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How To Stop Blowing It With Men

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All rights reserved.

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15 Mistakes You Need To Avoid

By

Kara Oh

The Heart Whisperer™

o o o

Dating after the age of 35 or 40 is like walking blindly through a minefield because you
might unknowingly be making a mistake that could cause a man to either not want to take
you out, or if he does, not want a second date. I’m not going to talk about the minor
things that are of no real consequence. In this book we’re going to focus on those that are
potential deal breakers.

It’s the mysterious mistakes that you’re unaware of that cause that great guy to lose
interest, never to be heard from again. It’s especially mystifying when you think the date
went well and he doesn’t call back. You end up wondering what went wrong.

Because he’s too chicken or too polite to tell you why you never heard from him again,
you can only guess, and sadly, all too often, you end up writing him off as a jerk, which
isn’t always the case.

Wouldn’t it be useful if you could get honest feedback from him? Without it, how are
you going to improve your dating skills and build your confidence? If you don’t have a
clue how you’re coming across maybe the most common mistakes described below will
help you see something you’ve been doing wrong without realizing it, maybe for years.

If you’re going to have any chance at all to “get it right,” you need to begin the
marvelous adventure of learning to become a woman who knows what she’s doing, not
just thinks she knows what she’s doing. This shift can only happen when you awaken
your awareness.

What’s The Point Of Self-Improvement?

The reason to launch into self-improvement is so you can finally attract a man who will
give you the love and kind of relationship you’re looking for. The better you are at being
happy and attractive, at opening your heart to his, and at communicating with and
understanding what makes men tick, the more fascinating and attractive you’ll be. Plus,
the more attractive you are in every way – not just physically – the more you’ll attract
higher quality men which will give you more choices to select from.

The trade-off? You have to put some conscious effort into learning to open your heart
and making some changes, but you’ll get to be a woman who is happier and more
fulfilled. With the help of my books, I’ll take you by the hand and show you exactly what
to do, step-by-step, to become the woman of his dreams.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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Where Did You Learn To Date?

Like most of us, you probably learned to date when you were in high school, then added
to your skills in college, basically, getting along by hit or miss. Even on the occasions
when you got it right, do you know what worked? Can you repeat it? Probably not.

So now, here you are, ready to start dating seriously because you really want to find a
special man with whom to share your life.

To brush up on your dating skills maybe you’ve read a book or two and a few of those
quickie articles in women’s magazines. Armed with this fountain of wisdom, you head
out on your first date. It seems to go pretty well… But he doesn’t call back.

Then another first date… This man doesn’t call back either.

What’s going on, you wonder? You start to doubt yourself, “What am I doing wrong?”

Well, I’m here to help you make it through that minefield. This ebook will help give you
much needed insight into the mysteries of dating more effectively.

You will intrigue more of the men you meet and when that special man comes along, he
won’t be able to keep you off his mind. That’s when you get enthusiastic calls for a
second date. With Feminine Grace your beautiful energy will flow freely and you’ll have
more fun on your dates and get lots more attention from men. I’ll teach you how.

Those Mysterious Dating Mistakes

This is a guide to the top 15 dating mistakes women make. Men have told me about their
experiences with women who have made these mistakes. (By the way, men make a lot of
these mistakes as well, but this is about you.) As you read about each mistake, please be
open to the possibility that you might be making one or more of them on your dates.
Once you become aware of what you’ve been doing wrong, you’ll be able to make real
changes. Personal growth is all about awareness because you can’t fix a problem without
first becoming aware of what you’re doing wrong.

Some women say, “He needs to accept me as I am.” Well, that’s true, but if “as you are”
(or more accurately, “as you have been in the past”) is unappealing in some way, maybe
turning men off, or scaring them, wouldn’t you want to know about it?

Yes, dating is about learning what you want and what you don’t want in a man, of course.
But more important than that, I want you to see each date as an opportunity. It truly is a
fascinating opportunity, as you’ll soon discover, to bring out the magnificent woman that
has always been within you.

That’s what you should want for yourself… to shine so bright you dazzle him. So be
open to the possibility that what you think is the “real you” is just someone who is

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All rights reserved.

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unaware of how you’re coming across to the men you meet; unaware that you’re turning
men off; and unaware that you could be someone that men – and everyone else – is
attracted to and loves being around.

Please, please be open to the real opportunity that is waiting just in front of you. If you
get offended or resist what I’m sharing here, you will stay stuck… and alone.

Instead, see that this is an opportunity to use this “dating adventure” as inspiration and
motivation, a diving off place, to begin the most fascinating journey of your life, the
journey to the real “real you,” not what you thought was the real you. You’re amazing,
beautiful, with a deep capacity to be happy and when you start shining your brightest,
men will find you absolutely magnetic.

It’s now time to find out what the top dating mistakes are…

Dating Mistake #1

You’re Nervous

How To Correct It?

Create Rapport

Some women don’t know how to create rapport. When there’s no rapport it’s more
difficult to feel comfortable. If you don’t know how to create rapport, you can’t get
relaxed and you can’t get him relaxed enough to have a fun conversation. You can’t learn
what you need to learn about each other because you’re both too nervous to know what to
say. Nothing feels natural and it’s possible that both of you are turned off.

Yes, it would be nice if he knew how to create rapport, but you can’t count on that. This
is your life and your future. It’s within your power to make your date not only good, but
also delightful, filled with fun and enjoyment… for both of you. When you know how to
create rapport you’ll be well ahead of most every other woman he’s met.

Note: Don’t forget that one of the ebooks you received was Creating Rapport That Leads
To More. Be sure take advantage of everything that I offer you there.

Knowing how to make him feel comfortable and relaxed will allow him to really see who
you are. I’ve observed that no one who’s nervous or uncomfortable is able to be open to
the other person.

An important part of creating rapport with someone is being able to open your heart to
his, which will cause him to relax and naturally begin to open his heart to you. That’s
when the potential for real magic can occur. And he’ll think you’re pretty special.

Let’s meet Michael:

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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Michael is a 47-year-old architect who lives in the Los Angeles area. He’s nice looking
but not gorgeous, 5’10”, not too heavy, receding hairline, and a very pleasant, good guy.

Michael shares, “I went out with a woman who, on the surface, was exactly what I was
looking for. But about halfway through the evening I realized that she hadn’t asked me
one question about myself. It felt a little bit like she hadn’t noticed that I was there with
her. Sort of strange. After that I started watching her with different eyes, not so much
about how great she looked but how she made me feel. It didn’t get any better so I didn’t
ask her out again.”

This woman probably had no idea why Michael never called her again. She probably
didn’t know how to create comfort within herself, make him feel special or communicate
her interest in him. She didn’t know how to create rapport.

Dating Mistake #2

You’re Negative

How To Correct It?

Be Positive

Men are attracted to happy women. If you complain, whine, find fault, or blame others
(or show him in your stories that you are a negative woman) on your first date, he
probably won’t ask you out again and you won’t have a clue why he disappeared.

Most people are repelled by negative people.

What’s odd is that negative people generally don’t know they’re negative. That’s because
they usually blame others or circumstances for what happens to them. They feel perfectly
justified. Blamers don’t see their part in a situation or take responsibility for what
happens to them.

You may not realize you’re a negative person but if you seem to have difficulty with a lot
of people, you might want to ask a trusted friend if you’re sometimes negative. When you
are a positive woman you will automatically put a man at ease, bring out his best side,
make him feel understood, and make the date fun. You’ll be someone who’s appreciative
and complimentary of “the good” in people and situations and thus more attractive to
every man you meet.

There’s plenty going on around us every day that can “justifiably” turn us all “negative”
if we let it. Don’t risk losing a good man by unwittingly being negative.

Even if you’re “not his type,” if you’re able to stay positive, no matter what, he’ll
thoroughly enjoy his time with you. And guess what? If you’re fun to be with, he might
tell his single friends about you. Best of all, you’ll have a whole lot more fun.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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Let’s meet Jeremy:

Jeremy is a San Francisco lawyer, 52 years old, 5’11”, lean face but a bit of a tummy,
slight receding hairline, nice looking. He’s very likeable and comfortable to talk to.

Jeremy shares, “I talked to this woman, Cynthia, over the phone and she had a nice voice.
I’d seen her photo and she was pretty good looking, my type, 48 years old. We didn’t talk
that long because I just like to make a date and meet. So we made a date and three days
later I took her to a nice restaurant. She talked a lot in the car but because I was
concentrating on my driving, I wasn’t listening to everything she was saying.

“When we sat down the first thing she said was how uncomfortable the chair was. I
offered to switch with her because I had a different kind of chair. She did switch with me
but she said that chair was uncomfortable as well. I didn’t know what to do because there
were only those two kinds of chairs. I wanted to make it right but felt frustrated…

“When we were going over the menu she called the waiter over. She wanted to know if
the chicken was hormone-free. He said he didn’t know but that he’d check. That’s not
such a bad thing to ask in this day but it made me wonder whether I’d made a mistake in
taking her out without talking to her more on the phone first.

“Then it really began… one thing after another. There was nothing on the menu that
would make her happy. She talked about what was wrong with several dishes and then
acted like I was lucky that she could eat anything on the menu at all… in what was a
really nice restaurant that I was paying for.

“It was starting to get on my nerves, but I hadn’t given up because she had a great figure!
So I tried changing the topic and inquired about the work she did. Well, that was even
worse because she started going on about her boss and this one co-worker who she
seemed certain was trying to get her fired. Wow! After that I really didn’t hear much
more and didn’t care how attracted I was to her. I just did my best to tune her out and
ended the evening as quickly as I could without being rude. It was awful!”

In many ways this woman was both attractive and accomplished, at least on paper. I
suspect that if she had been aware of what she was putting Jeremy through – on a first
meeting – she would be pretty embarrassed. Or at least I hope so. It’s sad because she’s
probably in the habit of finding fault with people and situations all the time, and it
wouldn’t be surprising to learn she has no close friends. Most of us would be worn out by
this kind of negativity. To learn if you’re at all negative watch this week if you focus on
the negative or positive things going on around you and how often you offer a negative
comment.

A way to instantly change your attitude is to start looking for things you’re grateful for.
An especially effective way to change your outlook from negative to positive is, right
before you go to sleep, recite a gratitude list.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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Dating Mistake #3
You’re Closed Off

How To Correct It?

Be Curious

When a man takes you out on a first date, he’s getting a sense of how it feels to be with
you. He wants to see if he enjoys your energy, to try you on for size, so to speak – to
learn how it might feel to be in a relationship with you. If you’re closed off and
emotionally unavailable, he’s not going to want to take the next step of asking you out on
a second date because there’s no invitation. Sadly, you both miss out on the opportunity
to discover if there’s a possibility of a match.

When you’re closed off there’s no energy emanating from you. So what he feels is either
nothing or an uncomfortable energy to be near. If your goal is to attract his interest, this is
definitely not what you want to be doing.

The quickest, easiest way to completely counter being closed off is to be curious about
your date. You’ll automatically open your heart, show your real self and relax, which will
cause your date to relax. He’ll feel good and associate that feeling with you.

When you learn how to relax and be curious you’ll be open, you’ll feel safe, you’ll open
your heart and you’ll feel good to be around. When you do all this, he’ll relax and open
up so you can get a better sense of who he is and whether or not you like him well
enough to continue seeing him.

Let’s meet Evan:

Evan is an auto parts representative, on the road a lot, really friendly, 5’9”, 53 years old,
lean but not muscular. He has a full head of wavy hair. He’s got one of those really happy
faces.

Evan shares, “I saw this woman’s photo and I was ‘sold.’ She was just so darned pretty.
She was a few years older than I’d been looking for but that didn’t matter because she
was so good looking in her photo. I was excited to be able to take her out and get to know
her. I really hoped that we’d hit it off.

“When I picked her up – I was not disappointed, not at all. She was even prettier than in
her photo. Our first date was a bit awkward, but that happens. So I asked her out for the
next weekend and she accepted.

“I was really looking forward to the second date since I’ve noticed that the second date is
more fun because we’ve gotten to know each other and that first date nervousness is
gone. But she didn’t really warm up. She said she was having a good time, but heck, you
could have fooled me. She even had trouble making eye contact.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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“I was confused at that point but still found her attractive. So, I asked if she wanted to out
again. She said she would like to but there was no warmth in how she said it. I hesitated
and ended up telling her that I’d call to make a date. But I never did.”

It’s hard to know what was really going on with this woman, but this is not at all
uncommon. A woman will say all the right things and even want to go out again, but she
doesn’t know how to warm up to a man, even after she knows she likes him. ‘Distant’ is a
word men use a lot. They don’t know she’s emotionally unavailable but they do know it
doesn’t feel good. Men often interpret this as their failure, when it really isn’t. What’s sad
is that when I hear both sides of the story, the woman is usually confused because she
liked the man.

All my books are designed to help you discover your inner beauty, joy, strength and
confidence with men. The goal is for any man you meet to see how terrific you are.

Dating Mistake #4

You Try To Be Equal To A Man

How To Correct It?

Enjoy Being a Woman

There’s great value in how good you are at the work you do. But the energy of the
powerful, capable, self-sufficient woman you’ve become may be getting in the way of
having a romantic relationship.

To be attractive to most men, you need to turn off your self-sufficient business persona –
which carries a lot of masculine energy with it – when you’re on a date. You need to be a
self-assured, yet feminine woman who knows how to make a man feel great just by being
in your presence. Plus, that business persona is naturally competitive, which absolutely
will not work in a romantic situation.

How lovable can a woman be on a date if she acts like she’s at the office? Men tell me
that a lot of women make them feel like they’re being interviewed for a job, which causes
them to put up their guard. You want him to be open to you, not closed off.

Relax into your Woman Energy; be soft, loving, open and interested in discovering who
this man is. You should still be your confident self, but shift into your Feminine
Confidence, as I describe in Flirting Made Easy, so you can relax into the pleasure of
simply being a woman who enjoys being with a man.

Let’s meet Jeff:

Jeff is a very successful attorney in San Francisco. He’s a lean 55-year-old, graying
temples, stylishly dressed, in really good physical shape. He’s personable but not a warm
and fuzzy type.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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Jeff shares, “This happens a lot because I live in the city but here’s an example of a date I
went on last week. She was a gorgeous attorney. I’m really attracted to smart women. She
shows up at this trendy restaurant on a Saturday night in a business suit. That should have
tipped me off right away. As we got into the evening, I swear, it was like I was having
dinner with my boss. I couldn’t wait to get away from her. I like to be with a smart, sharp
woman – but the operative word is ‘woman.’”

It seems that many successful career-oriented women don’t know how to turn off their
professional persona. If they just knew how to enjoy being a woman, they’d be a very
attractive package to accomplished men. You need to know that the more successful a
man is, the more he wants a woman who enjoys being a “woman.” To do that you need to
develop your Feminine Grace so you can glow your brightest. When you do that, you
will ‘wow’ the men you meet… and you will love the results.

Dating Mistake #5

You’re High Maintenance

How To Correct It?

Be Happy

You may not realize it, but men care more about how happy you are than how you look.
Being happy is the most attractive quality you can develop. One reason is all happy
people are more attractive then when they’re sour. Another is happy people are more fun
to be around. But there’s a reason that most men and women are unaware of: Men are
driven to make a woman happy.

There are two reasons for this:

1. It’s in a man’s genes. When the hunter comes home with fresh meat his mate will

greet him with a smile because their family will eat.

2. Men are encouraged to be successful within our society and having a happy

woman is one of the ways he is judged as successful.

He needs to be your hero and a hero’s job is to make his “damsel” happy. If you’re not
happy, he takes it as a personal failure. Men hate failing so if, when he meets you, he
determines (correctly or not) that you’re not a happy woman he will not want to see you
again. He may not realize this is what’s going on, but underneath, he fears you’ll be too
much work, that he’ll never be able to make you happy, which, he knows, will make him
feel like a constant failure.

All this boils down to him perceiving you as high maintenance. You can see why that’s
one of the scariest things to men and why they would never want to take that on. The
exception to this is a man who is a rescuer. As you can imagine, the combination of a
rescuer hooking up with a high maintenance woman creates two unhappy people.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

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If, even though you’re high maintenance, he’s so attracted that he’s willing to give you a
try, you’ll never feel secure with him because – as you’ve discovered, albeit not knowing
why – most men who date you eventually come to the conclusion that you’re not worth
feeling like a failure so much of the time. It wears a man out.

To be your most attractive, you need to become genuinely happy. The quickest way to
start feeling happy is to be grateful. Start a gratitude journal and acknowledge all for
which you’re grateful each and every day. Within a very short time you’ll feel happier,
which will make you appear happier and men will begin to show new interest in you.

Let’s meet Hank:

Hank is a tall and lanky CPA. He’s 6’3” and handsome in a boyish way, even though he’s
64 years old. He’s likable and impresses people as being a nice guy.

Hank shares, “There was this woman that I was set up with. She was nice – but man,
there was just nothing coming out from her and that just didn’t feel good. On the surface
she was OK, but there was a sort of sadness about her. Well, not really sad, just not
happy. I liked a lot about her… but then I imagined what it would feel like to be married
to her and I realized I would never make her happy. I knew she would just drag me down.
I felt sorry for her, but I didn’t think it was my job to make her happy. So, I never asked
her out again.”

Men are driven, from a deep biological place, as well as social conditioning, to make
their woman happy. If you’re not happy, he feels like a failure. So when a woman is not
exuding happiness when he’s just getting to know her, why on earth would he want to
bother when he can keep looking until he finds a woman who is already naturally happy?
By the way, you can’t fake happiness. You need to discover how to be happy as your
natural state of being so that when you smile, you smile from your whole being. That’s
when a man can feel the happy energy that you exude.

In Feminine Grace Made Easy I show you how to fall in love with yourself and with
being a woman, which will lead to a happier life… which can lead to a romantic
relationship that makes their hearts sing. Bottom line? You’ve got to develop the habit of
being happy. I’ll show you how.

Dating Mistake #6

You Have Unrealistic Expectations

How To Correct It?

Look Beneath The Surface

If you’re a “5” looking for a “10” you’ve probably been experiencing a lot of frustration
and even rejection. You wonder why the men you find attractive aren’t attracted to you. It
happens all the time so you’re certainly not alone.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

11

There are some easy-to-explain reasons why women do this to themselves. Men do this
too but, right now, this is about you.

1. As women get older it’s just a fact of life, men are less attracted. At the same

time, women’s criterion of what they’re looking for gets narrower and narrower.
Partly because they get smarter and won’t settle for less. And partly because they
have been burned and are more cautious.

2. Many women have unrealistic attitudes about what they bring to the relationship.

Actually, a lot of women I talk to haven’t thought about what they have to offer,
just what they’re looking for.

3. Many women have the same image of their ideal man that they had when they

first formed what they were attracted to years earlier.

4. Many women are looking for perfection without realizing it.
5. Many women have a skewed idea of what they can attract.
6. Many women have unrealistic expectations, on every front.

This list hopefully will point out how easily a woman can get confused about how she
scores compared to the man she’s seeking. One consequence of not being aware of such
unrealistic expectations is that such a woman is likely to have tossed aside more than one
good man.

So how can you alter your outcome and attract the man of your dreams? Simple. What
you need to do is become the kind of woman who can attract the kind of man you seek.
Since you’re getting older you need to stand out in other ways than just how you look.
You can do it but you must become aware of what needs to change and willing to make
those changes. By the way, any behavior I ask you to change is designed to help you fall
in love with yourself, which will help you be happier.

I have no men’s stories for this mistake because the men don’t know it’s going on, but,
here’s one from my matchmaker – the one who introduced me to Chris, my partner. This
is what Annie wants you to know:

“The most frustrating part of my job is when I have a very nice woman in front of me
who has a lot of wonderful qualities except she has a picture, a romanticized ideal, of her
perfect mate. So when I start looking through my database for a good match for her I start
with compatible qualities. And then I put a picture of this person in front of the woman
and she turns down one after another after another, never meeting any of them.

“The problem is I’ll then show her a picture of the guy she’s described physically and
she’ll say yes to him even though he doesn’t have the inner qualities she’s told me she’s
looking for… then, way more often than not, he turns her down.

“My experience is that almost everyone I work with – both male and female – has an
unrealistic view of who they can attract. When you add their unwillingness to give my
matches a chance… Well, this is a recipe for frustration and disappointment. Then they
get mad at me for not finding them a match. I can’t win.”

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

12

Men and women do this to each other all the time. They don’t give each other enough of
a chance. You’ve got to go out with someone to find out whom they really are.

Pictures are flat, two-dimensional, lifeless, emotionless images. Most women don’t like
when they are dismissed simply because of their photo and yet many of these same
women do it all the time to those men whose photos don’t appeal to them. And when you
meet a man at an event and he’s “not your type” stop yourself and give this guy a chance
to show you who he is. He just might be the type of man those gorgeous women marry
and you wonder, “What’s that about?” What that’s about is he’s probably her perfect
match on the inside.

When you go out on a date don’t be too quick to write someone off. The first date is filled
with anxiety (you’ve felt it), which makes it difficult to determine much of anything. If
there’s even a hint that this might be a quality man, I recommend you go on a second date
if he asks.

Remember, the man you’re meeting wants to be loved, appreciated and accepted for who
he, just as you do. So imagine your heart energy reaching out to his and you’ll be able to
see and feel who he is beneath the surface.

One of the ebooks you downloaded with this program is, How To Recognize The Right
Man For You. Please do the exercises in it because they will help you create a detailed
list of the kind of man you seek and what kind of relationship you want. Those two have
to match.

Dating Mistake #7

You Date Aimlessly

How To Correct It?

Be Clear About What You Want

When you aren’t clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship you won’t be able
to recognize if the man sitting across from you can provide what you want. To date smart
you need to know what you’re looking for. So determine with as much clarity as possible
not only whether or not you want marriage, but what kind of relationship you want…
social life (or not), kids (or not), how playful, how intimate, where you want to live, what
you are willing to give up, etc. You won’t know what you want until you give it some
very serious thought.

Once you know what you want, even those men you don’t want will help you fine-tune
what you’re looking for. If you’re unclear, you could dump the perfect man or keep
dating the wrong man.

Jennifer shares her experience:

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

13

“In my middle-twenties there was a point where I was dating a lot but couldn’t seem to
find the right relationship. At that point I was socializing often with a wonderful group of
friends, all married. One day we were having a birthday party for one of the women and I
looked around the room, thinking how much I really loved the whole group. That led me
to thinking how much I liked all these husbands who were my buddies.

“I admired their marriages, I admired them as men, and then I had an epiphany. I realized
I wouldn’t have been ‘attracted’ to any of these men if they had been the single men I
was meeting. That was when the awful truth dawned on me. I was so focused on the outer
qualities of the men I was dating I couldn’t see the true beauty in any of them.

“I did an immediate shift and with the guidance of a dating coach I got extremely clear
about appropriate relationship and lifestyle goals. This caused me to see the men I was
meeting in a whole new light. The miracle was that within two weeks after working with
that coach I met my husband-to-be. The really strange thing is that everything I had on
my list he already had… everything. We were married a year later.”

This story points out how powerful it is to know what you want. You not only need to get
very clear about what you want in a relationship, you also need to know what kind of
man you’re looking for from the inside out. Not that he’s 6’2” with a million dollars in
the bank, but how emotionally available and able he is to give you the love you want.
How To Recognize The Right Man For You will help you do just that.

Dating Mistake #8

You Treat Each Date Like a Business Meeting

How To Correct It?

Relax and Have Fun

If you show up for a date efficiently going down your checklist: Owns his own home:
Check; No kids: Check; Right job: Check; Right income: Check; can you imagine how
your date is going to react? He’s going to be on the defensive and that’s not going to get
either of you what you want.

Yes, I’ve just told you to be clear about what you want, but that list should be in the
background when you’re meeting a man for the first time. If you’re mentally going down
your list every moment you’re with him, you’re not going to see who he really is as a
person and he’s certainly not going to get a glimpse of the real you.

Even if you’re not making this mistake, you should be looking at his qualities as a human
being, not just the outer package, as so many women do. A great way to remember this is
to imagine his appearance, his income, his age, how much hair he has, his job, etc. as the
wrapping on a gift. The real gift is what’s inside. How capable of loving is he, how much
fun is he to be with, how does he make you feel to be with him? What are his values, his

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14

spiritual beliefs and what he cares about? These are the things that really matter in the
long run. And you do want a long run, don’t you?

To determine what kind of “gift” he is, open your heart, feel from within you how he
makes you feel. Is he respectful, kind, fun, attentive, caring? These are the qualities that
will make a good partner. And the only way you can determine these things about a man
is to open your heart and simply relax and enjoy the time you spend with him.

Let’s meet Connor:

Connor is a 62-year-old engineer, 5’11”, slightly balding, not overweight but obviously
doesn’t exercise much. He’s likable, has a nice personality and really wants to find a
woman who he can marry and create a life with.

Connor shares, “She grilled me for a straight hour. She wanted to know everything about
me but not who I was or what I cared about. Like on a cop show, you know? She asked
me where I went to school and I could tell that she was put off that I didn’t go to an Ivy
League school. Then she asked me what kind of work I did. But the way she asked
wasn’t about getting to know me – it had to do with how much money I made. And it
went on like that for way too long. If I could have figured out how to leave in the middle
of the date I would have.”

One of the things I really want you to learn to do is to connect with each man’s heart. I
want you to discover there are a wider variety of men who will become interesting to you
when you open your heart. Doing so will cause each man to open up, which will make
him speak more from his heart about who he is, what his interests are, and what he cares
about. When you can give this to a man, he will sincerely want to know more about you
as well. After all, you’re not just looking for a fancy house; you want someone to share a
life with. Right? I certainly hope so.

Dating Mistake #9

You Lack Enthusiasm

How To Correct It?

Treat Each Date As a Special Occasion

It seems odd that a woman would go on a date, and then act like it doesn’t mean
anything. But men often tell me when they take a woman on a date, she hasn’t dressed
up, hasn’t done anything to her hair, hasn’t put on any make-up, basically hasn’t done
anything that tells him she’s happy to be going out with him.

Then, when she’s out with him, she’s completely laid back, not showing any enthusiasm.
The only thing I can imagine is that she’s thinking: “He should like me as I am.” These
women don’t realize a man has to be excited to get to know a woman first before he can
“like her as she is.”

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

15

When I’ve coached women to prepare for dating, usually, they’re excited and nervous,
fearful they won’t know what to do, afraid they won’t have any confidence, and won’t
know how to date. At least 3/4 of the women tell me they don’t feel confident about their
dating skills.

Maybe the women who seem bored to be on a date are just tired of going on another
fruitless date. But if you really want to find that “needle in a haystack” you need to put in
that extra effort to be attractive and fun on each and every date because the next man you
meet could finally be “the one.”

Let’s meet Joseph:

Joseph is a financial manager, 42 years old, 6 ’6”, with a strong, trim physique, dark
skinned with thick curly hair. He’s never been married and is looking for the next step in
his life plan of finding a great woman to marry and have children with.

Joseph shares, “This has happened to me several times now. When I’m getting ready to
meet a new lady, I’m pretty excited. It actually feels a little bit like high school. You
know, when you’re new at dating and you’re nervous but excited at the same time? Like
that. So I go the extra mile. I shower and shave for the second time that day and put on
my best clothes. Not the dressy stuff, just a freshly laundered shirt and nice pants, clothes
that women have told me makes me look good.

“You can’t imagine the disappointment when I pick up a woman who’s obviously just
thrown some clothes on, her hair in a pony tail, like we’re running out for a last-minute
burger. I feel devalued. It takes all the excitement out of the evening, even before we’ve
started getting to know each other. I really lose interest because if she doesn’t care
enough to look good, then I already feel defeated since she obviously doesn’t care. I’m
polite and I follow through with what I had planned, but I’m turned off and just try to
make it through the evening. It’s happened too often so I know it’s not me.”

The most important thing to know about men is they want a woman who makes them feel
like a man. They want to feel like they’re taking care of the woman they’re with and that
she appreciates it and that it makes her feel good. If she doesn’t put any effort into the
first or second date, most men, unless they’re really unaware, are going to be insulted.
It’s not asking too much for a woman to make a man feel like it’s a special occasion that
he’s taking her out. It’s rude and “ugly” to do anything less.

Dating Mistake #10

You Make Snap Judgments About a Man

How To Correct It?

Allow More Time To See If He Has Potential

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Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

16

If you think you need to be attracted in the first 15 minutes to determine he’s the “right
one,” then you’re setting yourself up to either be alone or to bounce from one wrong man
after another.

The problem with those first 15 minutes, or even the first date, is if you’re highly
attracted, 99.99% of the time it’s to his physicality or his charisma. Which is far from
what a great, long-term relationship is built on. If you write a man off because you don’t
feel that “fireworks-in-the-sky” attraction right away, you may be passing up the best
man you’ll ever meet.

Also, if he’s attracted to you, he’s very likely to be nervous and do things that might
ultimately turn you off when you first meet; like talking too much, bragging, or acting
insecure when he might not ordinarily be that way. Unless the “Ick Factor” is going at
full tilt, you really need to give him a chance and go for the second date.

A personal experience:

“I once met a man who really got my motor running, big time. So much so, that I
continued to see him for almost 2 years. But it was just chemistry, physical attraction.
Once the physical attraction finally settled down, we both realized that we didn’t have
enough in common on which anything of any substance could be built. And in the
meantime, I wasted 2 years of my life. It was fun but definitely not worth it at this stage
of my life.”

Do you want to feel cared for, respected, appreciated and admired? Do you know what
kind of man will give you all that and more? Most women don’t. If you are going to find
Mr. Right, you need to stop searching for Mr. Va-Va-Voom.

Dating Mistake #11

You Make Assumptions About His “Future Talk”

How To Correct It?

Stop Thinking It Means Anything

When you think his “future talk” means something, you’re going to misinterpret his
interest, which could be quite disappointing. Men unwittingly say things to women that
are not at all what they intend. What they’re doing is “trying you on for size” by saying
things like, “My best friend would really like you,” or “It would be so great to show you
Paris in the springtime.”

If a man says things like that to you, it’s understandable that it would sound like he likes
you enough to really want to do those things with you. But more often than not, he’s just
seeing how it feels to step into future scenarios with you. For sure, he is interested, but
sometimes not to the degree that these words might indicate.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

17

Let’s meet Julia:

Julia is a 49-year-old account executive, 5’5”, 125 pounds, beautiful dark hair, and nice
shape, obviously works out but not buff. She’s smart and alert. She’s ready to get married
because she’s been single for the past dozen years, with only a couple of short
relationships.

Julia shares, “Matthew was a wonderful guy, attractive, successful, warm and lots of fun.
On our second date he told me he’d love for me to meet his family. We went out again
two weeks later. I was really excited because I was sure he wanted to make our
relationship something more. During dinner he told me he’d gone home to a big family
wedding. Since he’d told me he couldn’t wait for me to meet his family, and then when
this perfect opportunity came up and didn’t take me… well, I was devastated.

“When I told him that I was disappointed that he didn’t take me he seemed dumbfounded.
He actually didn’t remember telling me that he wanted to introduce me to his family. He
never called again and when I asked my matchmaker what happened, she told me he got
scared off because I was moving too fast. Men are so infuriating.”

Men and women see the world and react to it very differently. We all know that, but
when you understand why men do what they do you can modulate your reaction to what
they say to you with a whole lot more intelligence. That’s why learning to understand
men is so important.

Dating Mistake #12

You Date To Achieve a Goal

How To Correct It?

Relax and Have Fun

When every date is an agenda toward achieving a goal, you’re missing the whole point of
dating. Yes, of course you have a goal. Yes, dating is how you get to know your potential
“goal.” But if you treat him and the date as the means to your end, you’re going to turn
him off and never get to where you want to go.

What’s my advice? Relax and have a good time. Your only goal should be to be on a
date, not to make the date become something. You’ve got to “show him your best stuff”
and you can’t do that if you’re not able to relax, be yourself, have fun and be interesting
and interested in him.

Let’s meet Anthony:

Anthony is a youthful 58-year-old corporate VP. He’s got a full head of white hair, well
built, 6’1”, and very handsome. He’s intense, clear about what he wants and goes after it.
He’s got 3 kids who have all graduated from college within the last 6 years.

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18

“I can’t tell you how many women I’ve taken out who just don’t seem to know how to
have a good time. They’re so uptight and anal about finding out who I am, what I’m
looking for in a relationship, etc. They don’t seem to understand that the reason I asked
them out was to have a fun evening getting to know one another. If we hit it off and
decide we’d like to get to know each other better, great… Let’s see what comes of it.

“When I get off work, I need to relax – particularly when I’m meeting a woman for the
first time at the end of a hard day. Sure I’m looking for a woman to share my life with
now that my kids are grown, but my body needs to rest in the evenings, not feel like I’m
working late that day!

“With so many women being uptight on a first date, it really makes me want to just find a
woman who’s fun and able to relax and enjoy our getting to know each other… and let
whatever might happen, just happen. Otherwise, I’d rather go home and feed my dog!

“I figure if we don’t hit it off, the evening will at least be an enjoyable way to spend the
time. Dating is just too much work and wastes too much time if I can’t use it also as a
way to relax and enjoy myself. I need occasional ‘down time’ and I don’t want to do it
every night at the gym working out with the same guys all the time.”

The best way to avoid this particular mistake is similar to how I’ve suggested you avoid
some of the other mistakes: Sincerely enjoy yourself and be appreciative when you’re out
on a date. That’s the very best way to stand out among all the other women he’s met.
Men like to please women – it makes them feel manly and successful. When you’re
happy and having fun, he feels good as a man.

Whether you like to stroll in the countryside or walk along the water’s edge, he will
appreciate you showing him you’re having a good time. A man DOES NOT want a
woman who is not happy and seemingly incapable of having a good time. Learn how to
enjoy yourself or don’t bother dating. It’s as simple as that.

Dating Mistake #13

You’re Unaware Of His Efforts

How To Correct It?

Be An Exceptional Woman

Men like to be our hero by doing things for us, seeing that they caused us to smile, that
they made us happy. They can’t help themselves because it’s in their genes. When the
hunter came home with a successful kill, his family ate. That smile on her face meant a
lot. Men tell us all the time that many women don’t seem to notice all the effort they put
into making the date enjoyable.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

19

Many women assume the man is going to pay for dinner and whatever else the evening
includes. That’s okay but if you let him know how much you appreciate it, you’ll be
making him feel great where other women just feel like work to him. Not just a polite
“Thank you for dinner…” tell him in detail what you liked about the evening, what you
enjoyed about him, and what about him was exceptional or outstanding.

Tell him how he made you feel:

• Did he make you feel taken care of? Let him know. The more spontaneous your

appreciation, the better.

• Was he entertaining, making you feel relaxed? Tell him.

• Did he ask interesting questions, making you feel special? Give him that feedback

and you’ll stand out as an exceptional woman.

Let’s meet Damon:

Damon is a 38-year-old contractor. He’s 5’9”, healthy, attractive with a playful quality to
his smile.

Damon shares, “It wasn’t until I went out with a woman who was appreciative that I
realized most women are not. I’m in the habit of doing all the planning, making
reservations, picking her up and taking her home. But after being out with this one
woman for the first time, I’ve become very aware of how most other women don’t
respond to or acknowledge what I do for them. It makes me feel good when a woman
notices my efforts and it makes me want to take her someplace nice even when it will be
a financial stretch for me. Oh, and that woman? We’re still dating and enjoying each
other a lot.”

It’s amazing how important the simple things can be. It doesn’t take much to stand out
among other women. It’s simply a matter of understanding what men want in a woman.
They want to make you happy; if you let them know they’ve succeeded, they’ll do even
more. It’s so simple: give him opportunities to be your hero, then appreciate the heck out
of him. You both win.

Dating Mistake #14

You Meet Men In “All the Wrong Places”

How To Correct It?

Go Where Quality Men Go

Bars and nightclubs are the worst places to meet men. If you meet a man in a bar or
nightclub, men assume you’re there to get picked up. Why would you want to start out
knowing you need to disprove that idea? And why on earth would you want to meet a
man who potentially makes alcohol that central to his life? Of course, he should be asking
the same questions about you.

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

20

Let’s meet Gordon:

Gordon is a powerful looking man who owns his own construction company. He’s 52
years old, 6’1”, 225 lbs. He’s handsome, intense and charismatic.

Gordon shares, “I don’t expect to meet my dream woman at a bar or club so that idea
doesn’t even enter my mind. I’m just looking for fun for just that night. And my buddies
and I assume any woman there does that kind of thing a lot and we don’t want to get
seriously involved with a woman who sleeps around.”

Yes, it’s a double standard. But you need to get past that. And besides, do you really
think you’re going to meet your dream guy at a bar? If you want to meet a quality man,
you need to go places where quality men go:

• Art openings

• Lectures

• Adult education classes
• Ballroom dancing classes

• Ski club

• Friend’s parties.

There’s no guarantee the men you meet at these places will be quality men but there’s a
much better chance of it than at a bar. And be sure and use your rapport skills so you can
relax and make them feel equally comfortable.

Dating Mistake #15

You Drink Too Much

How To Correct It?

Be a Self-Respecting Lady

Drinking too much on a date is a big turn off for most men. Once a woman has had one
too many, mature men expect the rest of the evening to be work as they get stuck taking
care of someone who won’t appreciate it in the morning and worry about being
embarrassed by her. And the good men aren’t impressed if they get “lucky” with a
woman who isn’t all there.

What’s too much? More than one. Two is too many. I suggest you stick to wine because
it’s too easy to say yes to another margarita or Cosmo. If you can’t hold it to one glass of
wine, maybe you have a problem. If you do, you should reconsider dating at all until you
get it completely resolved.

Michael’s experience:

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.

21

Michael is a 52-year-old attorney from Chicago, 5’11”, with movie matinee, dramatic
good looks.

“I dated a woman who was absolutely a “10.” So smart, very successful… I was really
impressed. Then, at 3 dinner parties in a row, with my best friends, she got drunk. And
the stunts she pulled… I was mortified. I never called her again.”

You need to develop Feminine Grace. It’s what will make you stand out as an
exceptional, classy woman. Getting drunk is the antithesis of everything you should be
striving for. Getting drunk will blow it with any quality man.

o o o

I hope you’ve found this information helpful. Each item is designed to point out the most
common mistakes women make so you can become aware of any mistakes you may be
making. Then you can begin to do things in new, more effective ways. I want you to be
successful in finding a great partner. Once you do, I have ebooks that will help you go on
to create a relationship that makes your heart sing.

It’s in your hands… you get to choose… and I’m here to help.

From my heart to yours,

Kara Oh
The Heart Whisperer™

Please visit my website:
http://KaraOh.com

How To Stop Blowing It With Men
Copyright © 2009 by Kara Oh. All Rights Reserved.