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forrespectingthehardworkofthisauthor.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,businesses,

places,events,andincidentsareeithertheproductsofthe

author’simaginationorusedinafictitiousmanner.Any

resemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,oractual

eventsispurelycoincidental.

Dedication

Tomymom.Thankyouforreadingmysexscenesand

notgagging.Loveyou.

Acknowledgements

DearestFuriousFotog,youareablessing.Thankyouso

muchfortakingthesephotosforme.They’reunbelievably
beautiful.

AndrewEngland-whenIfirststartedwriting,you

werethefirstpersonthatIreallytooknoticeof…Ialways
saidthatonedayIwouldhaveyouonthecoverofoneof
mybooks,andhereyouare,luckynumber18.<3

Dearestreaders,

Iknowyou’vebeenwaitingalongtimeforMichael’s

book,andIhopeyouenjoyreadingabouthimasmuchasI
lovedwritinghisstory.

Asyouknow,thisisthelastinthisseries,butdon’t

fret.You’llseemoreoftheminfuturebookssuchas
KilgoreFireDepartmentandafuturespinoffseriesofall
the‘FreeKids.’

<3Thankyousomuchforreadingthisbook,andallof

myearlierwork.Justknowthatitisyourightnowthat
madethispossibleforme.

Lani

Chapter1

Ilickedit.Soit’smine.

-Factoflife

Michael

“You’llneedtomakesureyougettothehousebysixif

youwanttomakeitontimefordinner,”myfathersaid
tiredly.“Youknowhowyourmothergetswhenyoudon’t
showupontime.”

Iwinced.

Ididknowhowmymothergot.

Irrationaliswhatshegot.

It’sasifshehadn’tbeenmarriedtoadoctorforthelast

thirtyyears.

Ican’tnameonesingletimethatmyfathergottoany

eventontime,whetheritbeabirthday,vacation,sporting
event,graduation,orhell,evenafuckingbirth.

NotonetimehadIseenherloseitovermyfatherbeing

late,butherbabyboywaslateandsuddenlythewhole
worldstopped.

“I’lltrytobeontime,”Itoldhim.“ButI’mnot

promisinganything.Ihavetoworkuntilfivethirty;ittakes
nearlythirtyminutestogettoyourhousefromthestation.

Andthat’sifIleaveontime.Itoldhertomakesureshe
heldthepartylater,butshewouldn’tlisten.”

“Joslinwantedsix,”myfathertoldmehesitantly,

openingthedoortohisoffice.“Andthat’swhenDean
couldbethere.”

Isqueezedmyhandstightlyintofists,tryingmyhardest

tonotpunchaholeinthewallwithmyfist.

Ihadnoearthlyideawhymymothercontinuedtoinvite

myex-wife.

Deanwasatleastmyfuckin’brother,andIcould

understandwhyhe’dhavetobethere.

Itwasasifmymomdidn’tcarethatJoslinwasno

longermarriedtome.Usuallythefamilychoosesthechild
overthechild’sex.

Weweretogetherforalittleoverayearandahalf

whenIfoundoutshe’dcheated.

Granted,thereasonshe’dcheatedhadbeenmyfault,or

soshe’dsaid,butthatstilldidn’tgivehertherighttodo
thattome.

We’dtakenvows.AndI’datleastmeantthem.

Refrainingfromsaying,‘FuckJoslin,’Iwalkedtothe

sidedoorsofthehospitalandtotheambulancebaywith
myfather.

“Isee,”Isettledon.

Myfather’sfacelookedpensive,asifhewantedtosay

something,butdidn’tknowhowtosayit.

“Michael,Ineedtotellyousomething…”myfather

started.

Iwould’vestayedtolisten,butthemicatmyshoulder

startedsquawking.

“Thenearestunitisneededat5543PleasantCircle.

Possibledoublehomicide,”thedispatcherordered.

Sighing,Iturnedandofferedmyhandtomypop.

“Gottago,dad.I’lltrymyhardesttogetthereontime,

butI’mnotpromisinganything,”Itoldhim.

Henodded,lookingfortheworldlikehewasupset

thathehadn’tsaidwhathehadtosay,andshookmyhand
beforesaying,“Besafe.”

Myfather,likemymother,hadn’tlikedthatI’dchosen

togointolawenforcement.

They’dspentthousandsandthousandsofdollarstoget

methroughmedicalschoolonlyformetoquittojointhe
Navy.

OnceintheNavy,I’dcontinuedmyschooling.AfterI’d

finished,andthengotmedicallydischargedduetosome
slightnervedamageinmyleftfootfromabombexploding,

didIdecidedthatthemedicalfieldwasn’treally
somethingIwasmuchinterestedinanymore.

Whichhadpissedbothmymotherandfatheroff.

Immensely.

ButI’dhatedit.

I’donlydonemedicalschoolbecauseitwasexpected.

NoneofmyfamilycouldunderstandwhyI’dquit.

Mymotherwasanurse.Myfatherwasadoctor.My

brotherwasadoctor,andmysisterwasanurse.

Theycouldn’tseepastthefactthatIwashappy.They

couldonlyseethemillionsofdollarsIwasflushingdown
thedraintobeaSWATofficer.

NottomentiontheywerehardcoreDemocrats,andI

wasmostdefinitelynot.

Mymind,however,screechedtoahaltasIsawher.

Nikki.

Shehadlong,richbrownhair,beautifulbrowneyes,

andstunningcaramelskin.

Today,shewasinherscrubs.

Adarkgraycolorthat,althoughitshouldlook

incrediblyugly,didn’t.

ShewasaphlebotomistandontheIVteam.Alicensed

paramedicthatworkedasatechintheER.Shewent
arounddoingIVsthroughoutthehospital,butmostlystayed
downintheERwhereshewasneededthemost.

Shewasalsostudyingtobeamidwife,andfromwhat

I’dlearnedfromNico,herbrotherandanothermemberof
theSWATteam,shewaswellonherwaytograduating.

Iwasinlovewiththewoman.

Noif’s,and’s,orbut’s.

SoinlovewithherthatIcouldbarelybearoundher.

Shewasinlovewithme,too…orhadbeenwhenwe’d

firstmet.

ButI’druinedthat,likeIalwaysruinedevery-fucking-

thing.

See,Iwasanasshole.

Adiagnosedasshole,butanassholenonetheless.

Iwasbi-polar.

Itakemymedsreligiously.

Yet,thereweretimes…likewhenItoldNikkithatI

didn’twanttohavekidswithher…thattheasshole
slippedthrough,andtookholdofinnocentpeople,tearing
apartrelationshipsascollateraldamage.

I’dnotmeantittocomeoutthatway.

I’dactuallymeantittocomeouttheoppositeway

entirely.

Ididn’twanttohavekidsfatheredbyme.

Ididn’twantmychildrentosufferfromwhatIhad.

Beingbi-polarwasonlythetipoftheiceberg.

Ibattledwithdepressionduringthewintermonths.

IhadADD.

AndsweartoChristIdidn’twanttoputakidthrough

that.

Iwasaprimeexampleofapersonthatshouldn’thave

kids.

ButIwasNikki’s,evenifNikkiwasn’tmine.Atleast

notanymore.

Shewouldforeverhavemyheart,butI’dneverhold

hers.

Itwasbetterthisway.

IwassofuckedupthatIliterallycouldn’thandle

anymore.

AndIdidn’twantawomanlikeNikki,someoneso

pureofheart,tohavetodealwithmyshit.Becausethere
surethefuckwasalotofit.

Watchingheruntilshewentinside,Ifinallypulledout

oftheparkinglotandrespondedtothesuspecteddouble
homicide.

Andonceagainitreemphasizedthefactthatsome

peoplereallyshouldn’thavekids.

Pullingintotheyardthathousedadoublewidetrailer,

Iwalkeduptothefrontdoorwhereanelderlycouplewas
standing.

Theoldmanhadhishandswrappedaroundtheold

woman’sshoulders,andhewasholdinghercomfortingly.

Asif,ifhewerenotcareful,shemightverywellfall

apart.

Steppingoutofmycruiser,myfeetcrunchedinthe

gravel.

AsImademywaytothem,Itookasurveyofmy

surroundings.

Thelandsurroundingthetrailerwascleanandwell

kept.

Flowerslinedthesidesofthemobilehomewithred

brickssurroundingtheflowerbed.

Abassboatsattothesideunderneathanawning,with

atrailerthathadtwofourwheelersonthebackreadyto
ridetothedearleaseatamoment’snotice.

Aninfantswingswungonthefrontporch,beingpushed

bynothingmorethanthewind.

AndIgotareally,reallybadfeeling.

ThemomentIgotwithinspeakingdistance,bothof

themstartedspeakingatonce.

“They’redead!”Thewomancried,coveringher

mouthwithherhand.

“Shother,andthenhimself,”themansaidgruffly.

“Thebabytoo.Wedidn’ttouchanything.”

Bilealreadymakingtheclimbupmythroat,Isaid,

“Pleasegostandnexttomycruiser.”

Theybothreadilycomplied,andIwasthankful.

Icouldtellthatthemanwasahardman.

HehadaMarineCorpstattooonhisrightforearm,and

whatdistinctlyresembledaknifewoundjustabovethat.

Hiseyeswerehardandhisdemeanorevenharder.

Butwhateverhesawinsidehadrockedhim.

Takingadeepbreath,Isteppedoverthethresholdof

themobilehome,andimmediatelyturnedaroundtolose
mylunchoverthesideoftheporch.

I’mnotashamedIhaveaheart.

Butanymanwould’velostitoverwhatI’djustseen.

Takingafewdeepbreaths,Isaidasilentprayer,and

onceagainsteppedoverthethreshold.

ThistimeIwasabletotakeinmoreofthescene.

EarlierI’dstalledoverthechild.

ThistimeIwasabletomovepastthechildthatwasin

frontofaslidingglassdooracrosstheroomtothemanthat
crumpledagainstthefarcounter.

Hewasonhisass,arevolverhadfallenjusttothe

rightofhishand.

Hehadalargeholeatthetopofhisheadwherethe

bullethadexited.

Movingpasthim,Isawthelegsofawomanonthe

othersideoftheisland.

Walkingcarefullyintotheroom,Iskirtedaroundthe

islandandclosedmyeyesthemomentIsawthewoman.

Shewasbeautiful.Longblondehairlaidaroundherin

ahalo.Cuteskirtandskintighttopclingingcloselytoa
verypregnantbelly.

“Fuckme,”Ibreathed,droppingdowntomyknees.

AlthoughIknewitwasfutile,Icheckedforapulseon

eachoftheparents.

ButRigorMortishadalreadysetin;Iknewtheywere

gonethemomentmyfingersmettheirskin.

Reallynotwantingtocheckthechild,butknowingI

hadtodoitanyway,Iwalkedcarefullyovertothebaby.

Hewasdressedinaredonesiethathadlittlepuppy

dogprintsonit.

Hislittlefeetwerecoveredinatinypairofredsocks,

andIfoundmyselfthankful.

Itmaskedthesheeramountofbloodthatwas

surroundinghim.

Hisandhismother’sweremingling,andyoucouldn’t

tellwhosewaswhose.

Butasmyfingersmethiscoolskin,andIfelttherapid

beatofhispulse,mywholebodyfrozeinshock.

Hewasalive!

Motherfucker.

Hehadagunshotwoundtohisface,buthewasalive!

Scoopinghimup,Iplacedhimgentlyovermyshoulder

andstartedsprintingoutthedoor.

IwasthankfulashelltoseethatBennett,another

memberoftheSWATteamandfellowofficer,waspulling
intothedriveway.

Hesawmecomingandhiseyesflared.

Ididn’twasteasecond,however.

Irantohispassengersidedoor,fellinside,andsaid,

“Drive!”

Hedrove,andthelastthingIsawbeforeIturnedmy

attentiontothelittleboyinmyarmswasthehorrified
looksonthetwoelderlypeopleaswepeeledoutofthe
driveway,sprayingdirtandgravelinourwake.

“Whyaren’twewaitingfortheambulance?”Bennett

yelled,takingacornergoingwaytoofast.

“Becausewe’retwominutestopsfromthehospital,

andit’lltaketheambulanceatleastfivetogettowherewe
are.It’seasierandfastertodrive,andthisbabymaynot
havethatlong,”Itoldhimhonestly.

Hedidn’tsayanotherword,andIdidn’teither.

Chapter2

Damagedwomenarestrong.Andcrazy.

Don’tforgetcrazy.

-CoffeeCup

Nikki

“Nikki!”Lennoxcalledfromthenurse’sstation.

IlookedupfromthemanIwascurrentlygettinganIV

on,andraisedbybrowsatherinquestion.

“Nikki,Paxton’sgoingtogetthatIVforyou.Ineeda

hand.Now,”Lennoxordered.

Hereyeswerehaunted,andIswallowedatthelook.

Whatthehellwasgoingon?

I’dfeltitthemomentthatthetraumahadcomein.

Theentireroomhadgoneintooverdrive.

Notonetousuallyparticipateintrauma’sduetomy

lackofcredentials,Istayedoutoftheway,helpingwhereI
wasneeded.

HandingofftheIVforPaxtontotapeandfinishup,I

pattedtheman’shandandhurriedaroundthefootofthe
bed.

Myfirstindicationthatsomethingwasseriouslywrong

waswhenIwalkedintotheroomandsawaman’sblack
bootedfeetattheendoftheexamtablebendingoverthe
footoftheendofthegurney.

ThenIfollowedituptoseethecargopantsthatKPD

wore.

Butwhatreallygavemepausewasthefactthatthe

manworelongsleeves.

Nobody,andImeannobody,worelongsleevesinthe

middleofaTexassummer.

UnlessyournamewasMichael‘Saint’Perez.

“Whatdoyouneed?”ImanagedtoaskLennox,looking

away.

I’dyettoseewhatwasonthegurney,butIknewitwas

bad.

Michael’sentirebodywasshieldingwhateveritwas,

andIknewitwouldbebadbeforeIroundedtheendofthe
gurney.

“IneedyoutogetanIVinhim,”shesaidsoftly.

That’swhenMichaelmoved,andInearlylostmylegs

outfromunderme.

“SweetMarymotherofGod,”Iwhisperedin

devastation.

Michael’seyeswereblank.

Noemotioninthemwhatsoever.

ButIcouldtellhewasn’tdoingitbecauseofme.

Hewasdoingitbecauseheknewthatifheshowed

eventheleastbitofemotion,he’dloseit.JustlikeIwas
abouttodo.

Takingapagefromhisbook,Isteeledupmydefenses

andsaid,“22gauge.”

ThenIwenttoworkongettinganIVinababylessthan

tenmonthsold,withquiteabitofbloodloss,anda
gunshotwoundtohishead.

AllthewhileMichael,themanI’dbeeninlovewith

forovertwoyears,watchedme,holdingakidinhisarms
andtalkingtohimlikehewashisfather.

Heartpanging,Ifoundavein,andstartedanIV.

I’ddoneitmanytimes,anditwasrarethatImissed.

Oncetheaccesswasstarted,Ibackedaway,watching

asthetraumateamdescendedinmass.

Michael,though,didn’tleave.

Evenwhenhisex-wifeshowedupandpressedher

entirebodyagainsthistogetafuckinggauzepadwhenshe
could’vegottenoneoutofherpocket.

Bitch.

God,shemademylifealivinghell.

Literally,dayafterdayshemadeitapointtotorture

me,andIdidn’tknowwhy.

Shedidn’tknowthatIlikedMichael.

Hell,onlyafewpeopleknewthatIevenknewhim.

WhatJoslindidn’tlikeaboutmewasthefactthat

everyonelikedme.

Iwas,bynature,aniceperson.

Igotalongwitheveryone.Iwasateamplayer,andI

couldworkwithdamnnearanyone.

Her,though,Icouldn’tworkwith.

Notonlybecausesherefusedto,butbecauseshehated

meandIrefusedtotorturemyself.

SowhenshestartedtopushinclosetoMichael,I

wantedtosmackthehelloutofher.

But,astheprofessionalthatIwas,Ibackedoutofthe

room,andturnedtoseewhereIwasneeded.

IwasthenewestERTech.

Iwasalicensedparamedic.

Butaparamedicthatcouldn’tbeinanambulance

becauseIgotmotionsickness.

SomethingI’dnotfiguredoutuntilI’dtakenmyfirst

job.

Luckyforme,Iwasstartingwithanotherlicensed

paramedictowatchoverme,becauseIspentmyentire
timepuking,effectivelyendingmycareerbeforeit’deven
started.

I’dcompletelydisregardedthemedicalfieldafterthat,

goingbacktomyfather’sofficewhereI’dbeena
secretary,withmytailtuckedbetweenmylegs.

Butwhenmybestfriend,Georgia,camebackinto

town,sheconvincedmetogiveitanotherchance,andhere
Iwas,ontheIVteamandbeingahelpfulpersoninany
wayIcould.

“Whathappened?”Iheardaskedfrombehindme.

IsawPaxton,aPAthatworkedwithus,lookingatthe

roomthatI’djustmanagedtogetthehelloutof.

“Gunshotwoundtothehead,”Iwhispered,trying

reallyhardtoforget,yetnotmanagingtoaccomplishthat
verywell.

“Fuckme,”Paxtonbreathed.

IlikedPaxton.

Hewasaverysexymanwithdarkbrownhairthat

curledoverhisears,andabeautifulbluesetofeyesthat
couldmakeanyperson’sheartstarttoflutter.

Hisheartonlyflutteredformen,though.

Specifically,hissignificantotherthathe’dmetjusta

fewmonthsagothroughamutualfriendofthetwo.

“Yep,”Isaid,turningawayandwashingmyhandsin

thesinkthatsatrightnexttotheexitthattheparamedics
usedtotransferpatientsinandout.“I’mgoingtorunto
Starbuck’s.Wantanything?”

Paxtonshookhishead.

“Nah,Ijusthadacandybar.Myasscan’ttakeany

morecaloriestoday,”hesaidsheepishly.

Irolledmyeyes.

Myassdefinitelycouldn’ttakeiteither,yetIcouldn’t

finditinmetogiveashitatthemoment.

Idefinitelytookaftermycurvymother.

Ihadwhatmysisterslikedtocall‘childbearinghips.’

Bigboobs,bighips,tonedthighs(that,mightIadd,

werestillonthebiggersideofacceptable)andachinthat
wasquestionablyclosetowhattheycalled‘double.’

Myfriendsandfamilydidn’tseewhatIsaw,the

imperfections.

TheysaidIwasbeautiful.

IsaidIwaschunky.

To-ma-toes.Tom-a-toes.

Don’taskmewhyIdidwhatIdidnext.

Itcould’vebeenbecauseIwascrazy.Oritcould’ve

beenbecauseIknewheneededit,butIdiditwithno
ulteriormotives.

“Iwantatwentyounceamarettolatte,andatwenty

eightounceblackAmericano,”Iordered.

Sheyoungteensmiled,busyingherselfsteamingmy

milkandshakingcinnamonsprinklesonmyfrothymilkthat
collectedatthetopofthedrink.

“That’llbeeightfifty,”shesaid,holdingoutherhand.

Ishovedateninherhandandsaid,“Keepthechange.”

Shesmiled.“Thankyou.”

Takingmytwocoffees,Iwalkedbackdownthe

hallwaytotheER.WhenIturnedthefinalcornerthat
wouldtakemeintotheER,Iranstraightintoabrickwall
offlesh.

Instinctively,Iliftedmyhandsuptosavethecoffee,

andinadvertentlypaddedmycollisionwithmybreasts
whichpressedupagainstahard,welldefinedchest.They
instantlypebbled.

“Oh!”Isaidinsurprise.

“Fuck,”adeepvoicehissedout,handsmovingtomy

hipstokeepmesteady.

Thatvoicealwayshadthecapabilitytosendshivers

downmyspine.

“Michael,”Ibreathed,smilingtimidlyathim.

“Nik,”hesighed.“Sorry,Iwasn’twatchingwhereI

wasgoing.”

Bringingmycupsdown,Isteppedback,andinstantly

regrettedthelossofhisheat.

Iknew,though,thatthelongerIstayedtheretouching

him,theharderit’dbetomoveaway.

“Igotyouthis,”Isaid,shovingthecoffeeinhis

direction.

HecaughtitbeforeIcouldspillitalloverhischest,

buttobehonest,hisshirtreallycouldn’tgetmuchworse.

NotwiththemassiveamountofbloodIcouldsee

soakingit.

He’dhavetothrowthisoneaway.

Itmaybeblack,buttherewasnowayhecouldgetthe

bloodoutofthisone.

ThewhiteletteringthatdesignatedhimaKPDofficer

wasstainedred,andIhadafeelingthatitwouldn’tcome
out.Notwithanyamountofscrubbing.

“Thanks,”hesaid,soundingsurprised.

“Youlooklikeyouneededit,”Imuttered,walking

aroundhimtothedoorthatledintotheER.

Hesmiledsadly.

“‘Preciateit,”hemuttered,staringatthecoffeelikeit

wastheanswertoalloflife’squestions.

Seeinghimlikethatmademerememberthelasttime

he’ddonethat.

It’dbeenataSWATmeetingthat’dturnedintoan

impromptupartywhenI’dshownupwithaboxfullof
tamalesfrommymother.

***

Twoyearsago

“Holycrapthatman’sfreakin’hot!”Isaidtomybest

friendinthewholewideworld.

Georgiawasfreakin’beautiful.Justasbeautifulnow

asshehadbeenwhenshe’dleft.

AndI’dmissedtheabsolutecrapoutofher.

Georgiasmiledoveratme.

“Whichone?”Sheaskedcheekily.

Iknewthatwasright.

Theywerealloverlyhot.

Exceptmybrother.Hewasjustmybrother,andeww.

Thatwasjustwrongtothinkofthat…onsomanylevelsI
couldn’tevenlistthemall.

“EveryonebutNico.He’sugly,”Itoldher.

Shegavemearollofhereyes.“Yourbrotheris

beautiful,andyoudamnwellknowit.”

Ishrugged.

“IwastalkingaboutMichael,”Istated,watchingas

heleanedforwardonhischairandlacedhisfingers
betweenhisknees.

Georgiarolledhereyes.

“Whyareyoualwaysgoingforthebadones?”She

asked,forcingabeerinmyhand.

Iblinked.

“Idon’tlikebeer,”Isaid,extendingmyhandtoher,

aswellasthebottle.

Shegavemeapointedlook.“Gotakeittohim.He

askedforit.”

Butterfliesstartedtochurninmybelly,andIsmiled

atmybestfriend.“Iloveyou,youknow.”

Georgia’seyessparkledwithunshedtears.“Don’t

makemecry.TakeittohimbeforeIdo.”

Stickingoutmytongue,Iwalkedacrossthespace

separatingGeorgiaandmefromthemen.

Iknewhe’dclockedmefromthemomentIleft

Georgia.

Hewasn’tsomuchaswatchingme,ashewasaware

ofme.

WhenIarrivedathisside,heturnedhisfaceupto

meandlookedatme,notsmiling.

“Yourbeer?”Iofferedittohim.

Hetookitfrommecarefully.Socarefullythathe

didn’ttouchasinglepieceofmyskininthetransfer.

“Thanks,”hemuttered,smilinghalf-heartedly.

“’Preciateit.”

Ihadseenhimbefore.NoticedhimatSWATevents.

Watchedhimwhilevisitingmybrother.Thatwasthe
nightIbecameawareofhim.

ThatIbecameobsessedwithhim.

Thatwasthenightthatmyworldchanged,andI

wisheduponastar,whilestandingunderthestar-litsky
withMichaelnexttome.

Hoursafterhandinghimthatbeer,hetoldmeabout

hisex-wife.Abouthisjob.Abouthowhiswifeblamed
himfornotwantingkids,asforwhyshe’dcheatedon
him.

ThatwasthenightIfellinlovewithhim.

Headoverbootheels.

***

“Doyouneedsomeclothes?”Iaskedsoftly.

Heshookhishead.“No.I’mgonnagostraighttothe

stationandchangeintomyworkoutgear.Thanksforthe
offer,though.”

Smiling,Ipunchedinthecodethatwouldgetme

throughthedoor,butstoppedwhenMichaelcalledmy
name.

“Nikki?”

Iturnedtofindhimstaringatme.

Hiseyesfullofpain.

“You…youwanttocatchdinnerandamoviethis

week?”Heaskedhopefully.

Iblinked,thenasmallsmilesplitmyface.“Yeah,I

thinkI’dlikethat.”

Henodded,turned,andwalkedoutofthebuilding.Not

onceglancingback.

AndthereIwasleftinthehallway,practically

bouncingonmytoesinexcitement.

ThenIturnedaround,andthesmileslowlyfellfrom

myfacewhenIsawJoslinstandingthere,hereyesfullof
fire.

Choosingtoignoreher,Iwalkedpastherwitha

muttered,“Excuseme.”

ButIknewthatwouldn’tbetheendofit.

Notevenclose.

Chapter3

Friday.MysecondfavoriteFword.

-CoffeeCup

Michael

Needlesstosay,Iwasverylateshowinguptomy

mother’sparty.

Byoveranhour.

Iwaswearingawhitet-shirtandblackjeansthathad

somanyholesinthemthattheycouldtechnicallyqualifyas
shorts.

Andmytattooswereshowing.

Somethingmymotherwasdefinitelynotgoingtolike.

Butitcouldn’tbehelped.

Icouldeithergohomeandchange,andmakeherhappy

becauseIwascoveringmytattoosandbelater.OrIcould
belate-ishandcomeuncovered.

Itwasalose-losesituation,andIreallycouldcareless

atthispoint.

IwantedtohavethisdinneraboutasmuchasIwanted

mynutscutoff.

Alas,Ilovedthehelloutofmymom,andwouldsuffer

greatlyforherhappiness.

Kindoflikehavingtoshareafuckingdinnerwithmy

ex.Shewastheworstmistakeofmylife,yetmymother
refusedtotellhertofuckoff.

Pullinguptomyparent’shouse,Igotoutanddropped

tomyfeet.

IdroveajackedupFordF-150,muchtomyparent’s

consternation.

Wewereacarfamily,pureandsimple.

Oratleasttheywere,notme.

Ilovedmytruck.

Icouldgetitdirtyandnotworryabouttheinterior

becausethatwaswhattruckswerefor.

Shovingthekeysintomypocketandturningtograbthe

pieI’dhadinmytrucksincethismorning,thecoffeecup
thatI’ddownedthemomentIgotintomycruiserfelltothe
floor.

Myeyeslitonit,andIsmiled,thinkingabouthow

Nikkihadgivenittome.

Sheknewmewell.

OraswellasIletherknowme.

Sheknewmebetterthanmyentirefamily,andshe’d

onlyascertainedtheinformationinabouttentotal
meetings.

She’dgottenmorefrommeinonenightthanJoslinhad

gottenfrommeinayearandahalf.

“Abouttimeyoushowedup,”mybrother,Dean,said

lazilyfromthegliderinthemiddleofmyparent’syard.

Bendingdown,Ipickedupmycoffeecupandplacedit

gentlyintothecupholderofmytruckbeforegrippingthe
pieandslammingthedoor.

“Yeah,”Imuttered,walkingupthefrontwalk.

“Heardaboutyourday.Sorryman,”mybrothersaid

sincerely,blowingoutabreathofsmokehe’djustinhaled
fromhiscigar.

MybrotherandIweren’twhatyouwouldcall‘close.’

Wewerefamily,ofcourse,butthat’swherethatended.

Hewastheprodigalson.Theonewhodideverything

right,whileIdideverythingwrong.

Andsometimesitwashardnottoresentthat.

Reallyhard.

“Thanks,”Imuttered,openingthedooronceIcameto

it.

ThefirstthingInoticedwasthatnoonewasinthe

livingroomwheretheyusuallywere,andthatIcould
smelldinnerwaftingfromthekitchen.

Thesmellturnedmystomach.

EatingwasthelastthingIwantedtodorightthen.

NotwiththememoryofBabyNathan’sbloodpouring

outofhisbodyasIheldhimonthewaytothehospital.

“He’snotcoming,Ithinkweshouldjusteat,”Joslin

saidhuffily.

IrolledmyeyesasImademywaydownthedarkened

hallwaysthatwouldleadtothekitchenandformaldining
roomwhereIassumedtheywereallgathered.

“He’scoming.Hetextedmewhenhewasleavingthe

hospital,”mysister,Hannah,defended.

HannahandIweretheclosestinage.

Irishtwins.

Shewasborntenmonthsbeforeme,inthesameyear.

Me,beingthebaby,wasthesurprisethateveryonestill

likedtopointoutwastheaccident.

“Thanks,Hannah,”Isaid,walkingintothekitchenand

placingmypieonthecountertop.“I’mhere,sotheparty
maybegin.”

ThelastwassaidonceIwasinthediningroom,which

meanteveryoneturnedtowatchmewalkintheroom.

MyfatherandHannahdidn’tbataneyelashatmy

attire.

MymotherandJoslin,though,did.

NotthatIcared.

NorwasIsurprised.

Takingtheseattotherightofmydad,anddirectlynext

toHanna,Iplacedbothhandsinmylapandwaited,like
thegoodboyIwas,fordinnertobeserved.

WhichonlyhappenedonceDeanmadehiswayback

insidefromhissmokebreak.

Allthewhile,Ispokewithmysisterabouther

daughter,Reggie.

Reggiewasaboisteroustwoandahalfyearoldthat

waswithherex-husbandforthenight.

“ReggietoldmeIwasto‘watchmystep’today

becauseIwastellingherwhattodo.Canyoubelievethat?
IbetJoshuataughtherthatone,too,”Hannahsaidsnottily.

Isnorted.

Needlesstosay,Hannaandherexdidn’tgetalong.

Notevenalittlebit.

“Actually,”Iamended.“Thatwasme.I’msorry.Isaid

thattohertwodaysagowhenIwaswatchingher.”

Hannahsighed.“IguessIshouldbehappyyoudidn’t

teachherhowtosaycusswords,Isuppose.”

Myfathersnorted.“YouandMichaelwerecussingby

thetimey’allwerethreeandfour.Mainlybecauseyour

UnclePaddythoughtit’dbefunnytoteachyouthem.Itwas
realexcitingtoslamonmybreakstoavoidhittingacar
andhavethetwoofyousay‘fuckyou’and‘whatthefuck’
respectively.”

HannahgiggledwhileIlaughed.

Mymother,ontheotherhand,didn’t.

Apparently,shedidn’tfinditfunny.

“Alright,wecaneatnow,”JoslincooedasDeanmade

hiswayintotheroom,breakingthesilentdeathglareIwas
gettingfrommymother.

Oncegracewassaidbymyfather,hestartedtoserve

himself,andpassedthedisharoundthetable.

OnceIdisheduptwopieces,Ipassedittomysister,

andthensoon.

Wedidn’tdoasitdowndinneroften,butwhenwedid,

wewereexpectedtoactuallysitdownatthetableinstead
ofinfrontoftheTVlikewewantedto.

“It’sgood,Beth,”myfathersaidaroundamouthfulof

food.

Mymothersmiled.“Thanks.”

Ilookeddownatmyuntouchedfood,andcouldn’tsay

thesame.

Itremindedmeofthegorefromthedoublewide.

WhatI’dlaterlearnedwasacopfromaneighboring

city,andhiswife,whowasastayathomemomtotheirten
monthold.

AndasIpickedatmyfood,Icouldn’thelpthinking

aboutthecop.

Whathadhappened?

Hadheslippedthroughthecracks?

Hadheneededhelp,andnoonenoticed?

WouldIhavenoticedhadhebeenmyfriend?

Ifsomeonehadintervened,wouldthemomstillbe

alive?Wouldthatbabygrowinginherbellystillbe
shelteredinhermother’swomb?

“Michael,Joslintellsmeyouhadaninterestingday,”

mymothersaid,bringingmyattentionfrommyplatetoher.

Ishrugged.“Yeah,Iguessso.Nothingspecial.”

Joslin,neveronetoletsomethinggo,satforward.

“Yousavedthatbaby’slife.You’rethereasonthathe’s

alive!You’rethetalkofthehospital,”Joslincrowed.

Ishrugged,notanswering.

Ireally,reallydidn’twanttothinkaboutitanymore.

Likereally.

Somuchso,thatifshecontinuednottocatchthehint,I

mighthavetoleave.

“Well,Ihavesomenews,”mybrothersaid,breaking

theawkwardsilence.

Iturnedmyattentiontohim,andsawhimwatching

Joslinweirdly.

“We’reengaged!”Deansmiled,holdingJoslin’s

entwinedhandupwithhis.

Iblinked,surprised.

Mymother,wholovedJoslintopieces,stoodupand

clappedloudly.

MyfatherandHannah,though,turnedtome,watching

meforareaction.

Ishruggedagain.

Ididn’tcare.

IshouldwarnDean,though.

Theydidn’tknowwhyJoslinandIhadbrokenup.

Theyonlythoughtthatthedissolutionofourmarriage

hadhappenedbecausewe’dfallenoutoflove.Joslinhad
practicallybeggedmenottotellthembecausesheandmy
momhadgrownsoclose.

“Congratulations!”Mymothercrowedexcitedly.

“Youokay?”Myfatheraskedworriedly.

ThatwaswhenIrealizedhe’dknown.

Thatwaswhatthehesitationhadbeenaboutearlier.

“Fine,why?”Iasked.

Hannahlookedatme,almostasifshewaswaitingfor

metobreakapart.

“You’resure?”Sheaskedpersistently.

Inodded.“Yeah.It’sgoodforthem,”Ilied.

Ireallyshould’vetoldthemwhywe’dsplit.Yet,I

couldn’tbecauseJoslinhadactedlike…well…Joslin.

“Mom,”Isaid,standing.“DoyoumindifIhavea

sandwich?Aftertoday,thisisn’tvery…appealing.”

Ihadtoeatnomatterwhat.Mymedicationcouldn’tbe

takenonanemptystomachoritwouldn’tbeabsorbed
correctly.Andifitwasn’tabsorbedcorrectly,thenwe’d
beinaverydifferentsituationthanwewerenow.

Mymomlookedatme,andImeanreallylookedatme,

andshesawrightthroughmyflippantattitudeand
immediatelydroppedJoslin’shandandstartedhustlingto
thekitchen.

Ifollowedher,keepingmyeyesonmymother’sback

insteadofonJoslin’sannoyedface,andDean’spissedoff
one.

Whoops.

Spoiledtheirbigreveal.Mybad.

ShemayloveJoslinandDean,butshelovedherbaby

boymore.Tattoos,disappointment,andall.

“Theytoldmeabouttoday,”shewhisperedonceshe

wasinthekitchen.

“I…Idon’tlikeit.IfeellikeIshould’vedonemore.

Beenfaster.Idon’tknow.Hewasapoliceofficer,”Itold
her.

Thattid-bithadn’tbeenreleasedasofyet.

Sowhenshegaspedandwhirledaround,ablockof

cheeseinonehand,andaTupperwareofcoldcutsinthe
other,IrealizedI’dsurprisedher.

“What?”Sheaskedinhorror.

Inodded.“Themurdersuicidewaswithacopandhis

wife,”Iconfirmed.

“God,that’shorrible.AndIheardthedoctorstalking.

Thebabywilllive,butthey’renotsureaboutwhat
cognitivelywaseffectedyet,correct?”Sheasked,placing
thefoodonthecounterandmakingmeasandwich.

Whenshewould’vereachedbackinforthetomatoesI

stoppedher.“Noneofthose,please.”

Shelookedatme,lookedatthetomatothatsheknewI

loved,andnodded,placingitbackontheshelfinthefridge

andclosingitwithherbackside.

“Andyes,that’swhatIheardwhenIcalledtocheckon

himearlier.They’rekeepinghiminamedicallyinduced
comauntilthey’resuretheswellingisdowntoa
manageablelevel.They’recontactingthepaternal
grandparents,too.”Iknewthatwouldbehernextquestion.

Mymomhadabitofasoftheartforthosewhodidn’t

havefamily.

WhichwaswhyJoslinwassolovedbyher.

Joslin’sparentsweren’twhatonewouldcall‘quality’

people.

Theybothsmokedweedandneitherhadajob.I

wasn’tevencertainhowtheyfundedtheirextracurricular
activities.

Thenagain,I’dneveraskedseeingasIwasafuckin’

cop.

Shesmiledatme.

“That’sgood.Isheontheped’sfloororinICU?”She

asked.

Mymotherworkedonthepediatricfloor.

That’dbeenwhereshewasworkingwhenshemetmy

father,whowasapediatrician,thirtyfiveyearsago.

MysisterworkedontheICUfloor,andDeanwasa

generalsurgeon.

“ICUfornow.Ped’swhenhegetsbetter,”Ianswered,

acceptingthesandwichsheofferedme.

Hernosescrunchedwhenshecaughtacloserlookat

mytattoos,andIbarelyrestrainedtheurgetorollmyeyes.

Whatwasthebigfuckin’dealaboutthetattoos?

Ithoughttheywerefuckin’great.

She,ontheotherhand,thoughttheywereugly.

Whatever.

“So,whendidJoslinandDeanstartdating?Ihadn’t

realizedtheywereeventogether,”Iasked,takingabiteof
mysandwich.

ItfeltlikeamouthfulofsandasIchewedand

swallowed.

Iwasheditdownwithalargeslugofsweetteathatmy

motherhandedme,andfinishedthesandwichinthreebites
whilemymotherworkedthecornerofherlipwithher
teeth.

“Well?”Iaskedagain.

Shesighed.“They’vebeenseeingeachotherforgoing

onayearnow,Michael.”

Iblinked.“Noshit?”

Shenarrowedhereyes.“Michael,youknowhowI

don’tlikewhenyoucurse.”

Beingontheped’sfloorreallykeptmymotherfrom

usingbadlanguagedayinanddayout.Sherarely,ifever,
usedthem.Andhatedwhenherfamilydid.

“What’sthebigsecret?”Iwonderedaloud.

Mymotherpursedherlips.“Joslinsaidyou’dbeupset,

andshe’dliketokeepitquietuntiltheywerereadyto
sharethenews,andIwentalongwithit.”

Iraisedmybrowather.“Youdorealize,right,that

I’myourchildandnother.Shewasinthefamilyforless
thanayearifyouwanttocounttheamountoftimewe
spentseparated.Whykeephersecretfromyourownson?
It’snotthatI’mtornupaboutit,I’mjustdisappointedin
myfamilyforkeepingitfromme.I’mnotgoingtofucking
break.”

“Language!”Shesnapped.

Ithrewupmyarm.

“Thanksfordinner,ma.Maybeyoucanletmeknow

whenyou’dratherputmeaheadofmyex.I’vegotsome
awesomestoriesthatIthinkyou’llfindextremely
interesting,”Isaid,walkingtothebackdoor.

“Mikey,”mymothersaidworriedly.

Iheldupmyhand.“Saveit.”

Withthat,Ileftanddidn’tlookback.

Chapter4

Ihateyou.Notinan‘Ihopeyoudie’kind

ofway,butmorelikeIhopeyoudevelopan

allergytochocolateandcheesekindof

way.

-CoffeeCup

Nikki

“Heythere,Nikki!”Joannasaidfromherposition

behindherdeskatthePediatricICUnursingstation.“How
haveyoubeen?”

Ismiled.“I’mgood.Ijustcameupheretocheckupon

thatlittleboy.How’shedoing?”

Shesmiledsadlyatme.“Lonely,I’msure.ButI’m

shorttwonursesandwe’renearlyatcapacity.”

Ibrightened.“DoyoumindifIsitwithhimfora

while?”

“Ithinkhe’dlikethat,”shesmiled.

Takingherwordstoheart,Ifollowedthedirectionsto

hisroom,andwalkedinonastarklywhiteroomwitha
cribinthemiddleofit.

Well,ahospitalbed,crib.

Itreallywasn’tmuchofacrib.

Itdidn’thavethathomeyfeelinglikemostcribshad.

Thisonewascold,metal,andbland.

Andthetinyboyinthemiddleofit,hookedupto

hundredsoftubesandwires,brokemyheart.

Ilovedchildren.

Ilovedthemwithapassionandfiercenesssopowerful

thatIcouldbarelyseestraight.

AndI’dneverhaveanyofmyown.

SoIsoakeditupbyspendingtimewithotherpeople’s

children.

Anditlookedlikethislittleguycoulduseafriend.

Walkingovertothecrib,Itookaseatatthechair,just

tothesideofit,andwatchedhim.

Hislittleheadwaswrappedingazefromaboutthe

noseup,onlyoneeyerevealed.

Hishandsweretapedtolittleboardssoifhewereto

move,hewouldn’tpullouttheIVlinestheyhadinboth
hands.

Hisfeethadmonitorsattachedtothemwithabright

greenwrap,andhisbodywasveiledinabrightred
hospitalgownmadefortinyhumanssuchashim.

Pickinguponeofthebooksthatwasontheshelf

acrossfrommyseat,Ileanedbackinmychairandstarted

readingtohim.

Imust’vegonethroughfiveorsixbooksbeforeI

realizedIwasn’talone.

IlookedupfrommybookIwasreadingtoseeMichael

leaningagainstthedoorframe,watchingme.

“Hey,”Isaid,surveyinghim.

Helookedbetterthanhehadbefore.

Hiswhitet-shirtstoodoutstarklyagainsthistattooed

skin.

I’dneverseenhisarmsbarebefore,nowthatIthought

aboutit.

“Hey,”hesaidcarefully.“Iwasjustbringinghimsome

ofhisthings…youknow,sohewouldn’tbealone.”

“Thatwasniceofyou,”Iwhisperedsoftly.“Comein.”

Hedid,albeitalittlereluctantly.

WhenInoticed,Istood,offeringhimthechair.

“It’sabouttimeIwentanyway.Ijustwantedtocome

checkonhim,seehowhewasdoing,”Iwhisperedsoftly.

Michael,who’dbeensurveyingtheboy,lookedup.

Hisbeautifuleyespiercedmestraightthroughevery

timehegavemethefullforceofthem.

“Youdon’thavetogo,”hesaidsoftly.“I’mnotstaying

long.Ihavetogo.”

Wasn’thebeingnice?

Yousee,MichaelandIhadalonghistory.

Well,itwasmorelikefourmonthstotalofhistory,but

thathistorywasenoughtolastalifetime.

Ipattedhimontheforearm,alittlebitofsmartass

fillingmytone.“Well,thenIguessyoucanwalkmeout.”

Afterplacingakisstothetipsofmyfingertips,I

presseditagainsttheboy’shand,andlookedathim
longingly.

Howcouldsomeoneevershoottheirownchild?

Whatkindofmonsterwascapableofthat?

Sayingasilentprayer,Iwalkedoutoftheroom,very

awareofMichaelwatchingmetheentireway.

I’dconvincedmyselfhewasn’tgoingtofollowme,but

themomentIwalkedintotheelevator,thedoorsclosed,
andhewasthere.

Ninjamuch?

“Youlikekids,”hemuttered,settlinghimselfinthe

corneroftheelevatorbythenumbers.

Astatement,notaquestion.

Oneheknewtheanswertoalready,seeingasthat’d

beenthethingthat’ddrawnourrelationshiptoasudden
rockinghalt.

***

18monthsago

Nervously,Ilookedintothemirrorandinspectedmy

attire.

TodaywouldbemyeighteenthdatewithMichael,and

Ifeltthatitwastheone.

Theonethatwouldchangeeverything.

TodaywouldbethedaythatIgavemyselftohim.

Lock,stock,andbarrel.

We’donlybeendatingforalittleoverfourmonths,

butitwasenough.

IwouldbebreakingmyruleoftwentydatesbeforeI

sleptwithhim,butthatwasonlybecauseIknew.

IknewIwasabouttosleepwiththemanIintendedto

marry.

Aknocksoundedatthedoor,andIhurriedthrough

myroomtomyfrontentranceway,andthrewopenthe
door.

Michaelwasstandingthere,longsleevedbutton

downshirt,asalways,andasmileonhisface.

“Youlookbeautiful,”hebreathed.

Ismiledathimandopenedmydoor.

“Imadeyourfavorite,”Itoldhimashewalked

through.

I’dfoundoverthelastfourmonthsthatMichaelhad

aloveforMexicanfood.Agreatloveforit.

AndhereallylikedhomecookedMexicanfood.

I’dgonethroughmymother’sentirecookbookmaking

himfoodand,overtime,we’ddiscoveredthathis
favoritewasoneofthemostsimple.

Fajita’s,rice,andbeans.

“Score!”Michaelsaidashemadehiswaythrough

thelivingroomandheadedstraighttowardsthekitchen.

“Thericeandbeansaredone.TheonlythingI’m

waitingonisforyoutogrillthemeat,”Iinformedhim.

Heturnedaroundandgrinned,pinningmetothespot

withthosebabybluesofhis.

“Sowehavetime,”hemurmured,“formetodo

this?”

Thenhisbodycrowdedmineagainstthecounter,and

Iforgothowtobreathe.

“Dowhat?”Iaskedbreathlessly.

Hechuckled,thenhismouthwasonmine.

Hetastedlikeheaven,mintwithahintoftheDr.

Pepperhe’djustfinisheddrinking.

MyhandswentunderneathhisshirtasIsaid,“I’m

ready.”

Heblinked,thenabruptlycircledhisarmsaroundmy

lowerlegs,andliftedmeoffmyfeet.

“Jesus,”hebreathed,turningaroundandwalking

quicklytomybedroom.

Hedidn’tbotherwiththelights,onlylaidmedownon

thebedbeforefollowingmedown.

“Areyousure?BecauseI’mabouttolosecontrol

here,andIdon’twantyoutoregretanything.Regret
me,”hewhispered.

Inanswer,Istartedstrippinghisshirtfromhisbody,

andthenstartedworkingonhispants.

Heliftedupandresumedhisowndisrobing,allowing

metoshimmymydressupandovermyhead.

Allmycarefulplanningforthenightthatincludedmy

outfit,downtothestraightnessofmyhair,wasoutthe
windowoncehisnakedbodypressedagainstmine.

“I’msosureIcan’tevenstandit,”Itoldhim,

wideningmylegstoallowhishipstoslipbetweenthem.

Hegrowledagainstmymouth,handmovinguptocup

mybreast.

“Good,”herasped,movinguptohisknees.

WhenIheardthesoundofapackagerippingopen,I

stoppedhim.

“I’monthepill,”Ibreathed,archinguptohim.“And

I’mclean.”

Hecontinuedrollingonthecondom.“I’mclean,too.

ButIalwayswearacondom.Nomatterwhat.Less
chanceofhavingkidsthatway.”

Inodded,slightlyupsetthatI’dwastedallthat

moneygoingonbirthcontrolwhenhewasn’tevengoing
toutilizethebenefitsofit.

ThenIwasfilledcompletelywithhim,andIforgotto

bedisappointed.

Becausehewasanythingbutdisappointing.

***

Thatnextday,inmybrother’skitchen,hadbeenthe

showdownthathadendedourrelationship.

Iwantedkids.Hedidn’t.

Well,thatwasn’texactlywhathe’dsaid.Morelikehe

wantedkids…justnotwithme.

Thatsimple.

“You…would…wouldyoubewillingtoadopt?”He

askedsoftly.

Iblinked.

“What?”Iaskedinsurprise.

Helookeddownathishands,inspectinghisfingersas

hesaid,“Wouldyoubewillingtoadopt?Orhavekidsthat
weren’tmine?Maybebyaspermbankorsomething.”

Iconsideredthatforamoment,lettingwhathewas

sayingsinkin.

“AreyouaskingmeifI’dbewillingtoadoptachild

andstillbewithyou?”Iconfirmed.

Hefinallylookedupatme,andmybreathcaught.

HispupilsweredilatedandIwasfairlypositiveit

wasn’tbecausehewasondrugs.

Hetookadeepbreathandletitoutslowly.

“Imissyou.”

Threesimplewordsthathadthepowertodefeatme.

“Michael,usbreakingup…itwasn’toversomething

minor.Itwashuge.Pivotal.Butitwasn’tevenjustthefact
thatyousaidyoudidn’twantkidswithme.Itwasthefact
thatyouweresofinalaboutit.Youwouldn’ttalktome.
Youwouldn’tshareyourfeelingswithme.Hell,butyou
fuckedmewithyourt-shirton,andwouldn’tletmein!
Thenyoujustshutdownanddidn’tevenexplain,”Isaid
fiercely.

Heletallthathewasfeelingseepintotwowords.

“I’msorry.”

Ijustshookmyhead.“It’sgoingtotakealotmorethan

just‘sorry’tomakeeverythingalright.”

“Willyou…willyoucomewithme.Somewhere?I

wanttoshowyousomething,”hesaidsoftly.

“Ihavetogotoameetingtomorrowateight.Ican’t

stayoutlate,”Itried.

Heshookhishead.“I’llkeepyouthereaslongasyou

wanttobethere.Theminuteyouwanttogohome,I’lltake
you.”

“Mycar’shere,”Icountered.

“I’lldriveyoubackuphereinthemorning,”hesaid

pleadingly.

IlookedathimforalongwhilebeforeIcametomy

decision.

“Fine.Just…don’thurtmeagain,Michael.Ithurt

enoughthefirsttimetolastmeathousandlifetimes.Idon’t
thinkIcouldsurviveitasecondtime,”Iwhispered
hoarsely.“Promiseme.”

Hemadeasoundinhisthroatthathurtmyheart,butI

didn’trelent.

Iwatchedhimandwaitedforhimtopromiseme,and

promisemehedid.

“IswearonmylifethatIwillneverintentionallyhurt

youagain.Ipromise.”

Chapter5

Life’sabitch.Oh,no.Wait,that’syou.My

mistake.

-SecretthoughtsofNikkiPena.

Michael

“Thisismyfavoriteplaceintheworld,”Iadmitted

softlyasIpulledmytruckupintothefrontrowparking
spotofPeek’sTattooParlor.

“It’satattooparlor,”shesaidinsurprise.

ItossedheragrinasIopenedthedoortomytruckand

droppedout.

Ididn’tknowwhatthefuckIwasthinking.

AllIknowwasthatthisdayhadbeencompleteshit,

andI’dhadtodoalotofthinking.SomethingI’dbeen
avoidingdoingforquitealongtimenow.

Nearlyayearandahalftobeexact.

FromthemomentthatIletNikkimisunderstandwhyI

didn’twantkids,IknewI’dmadeaterriblemistake.But,
atthetime,IthoughtI’dbeendoingagoodthing.

Shewouldhaveaterriblelifeifshestayedwithme,

andtherewasnooneonearththatI’dwanttohavetodeal
withmyshit.

ButthenI’dheldthatboy,whilehe’ddrainedhis

lifebloodonmychest,andIknewthatIcouldn’tdenyit
anymore.

Ilovedher.AndI’ddoanythingtohaveher.Evenhave

achildwithherifthatwaswhatittook.

Iwastiredofbeinglonely.

AndwhenIwalkedinonherreadingtothebaby,I

knewI’dmakehermineagain.

Nomatterwhatittook.

Itallstartedwithlettingherintomyworld.Lettingher

seeme.Andthatstartedhere.

“So,IguessIneedtostartbytellingyouwhyIdothe

tattoos,”Istarted,swallowingconvulsivelybeforeIflayed
myselfopen.“WhenIwastwelve,Istartedcutting
myself.”

Shegaspedinsurpriseandwhippedaroundtostareat

me.

Iputthetailgateofmytruckdown,andhoppedup,

holdingoutmyhandtoher.

Shetookit,noreluctancewhatsoever,andthat

bolsteredmetosaywhatIhadtosaynext.

Shecameinbetweenmylegsandleanedintome,

lookingupatmewithherheartinhereyes.

Ileanedmyheadagainsthersforalongmomentbefore

pullingbackandlookingupatthestars.

“Thatwasthefirsttimemyparentsrealizedsomething

waswrongwithme.Ididn’ttrytokillmyself,perse,Ijust
knewthatsomethingwaswrong,andpainmadeitfeel
better,”Iexplained,notlookingdownintohereyes.“That
waswhenIwasdiagnosedwithdepression.Threeweeks
afterthat,Iwasdiagnosedwithbi-polardisorder.Bi
polartwo,tobeexact.BythetimeIwasfourteen,Iwas
diagnosedwithADD.RightnowI’monmedicationformy
bi-polardisorderandADDsincetheybelievethatthose
arethetwocausingmostofmyproblems.”

WhenIfinallygotthecouragetolookdownather,it

wasn’thorrorthatIsaw,butunderstanding.

SoIfeltlikeIshouldcontinue.

“Surprisingly,noneofthataffectedmyschooling.The

manicsideofmybi-polardisorderkeptmefromfalling
behindwiththeotherthingsaffectingme.Ialwaysstrove
tobethebest.ThedepressionkickedinwhenIwasn’tthe
best,”Iexplained.

“Myyoungestsisterisbi-polar,”shesaid,surprising

thefuckoutofmeenoughtolookdownatheragain.

Andtheunderstandinginhereyesaboutkilledmeonce

again.

“WhenIturnedeighteen,Igotajobinatattooshopto

helpfundmyschooling.Myparentspaidfornearlyallof
it,Ionlyhadtocoverthebooks,”Iexplained.“That’s
whenIfoundthatthepainoftheneedlefedthatneedfor
paininlessdestructiveways,andIhaven’tlookedback
since.”

“Schooling?IthoughtyouwereintheNavy,”shesaid.

Icurledasliverofherhairthat’dfallenfreeofherbun

behindherear,cuppingherneckonceIdid.

“IwenttoschoolformymedicaldegreewhenIwas

seventeen.GraduatedwiththatwhenIwastwentyfive.
JoinedtheNavywhenIwastwentythree,whilefinishing
thatup.ThenrealizedthatIhatedbeingadoctor,soI
just…quit.”

Iknewthenextthingoutofhermouthbeforesheeven

saidit.

“Andwhatmadeyounotwanttobeadoctoranymore?

Seemslikealotofschoolingonyourpartforyoutojust
giveitup,”shewhispered,layingherheadagainstmy
chestandloopingherarmsaroundmywaist.

Iheldmybreath,andtriedtoholdthepainin,yetit

didn’twanttobeheldanymore.

“Iwitnessedanabortionthatchangedthecourseofmy

lifeandalsoruinedmeforthemedicalfield,”Isaid
woodenly.“Ifsomeonecouldjustkillanunbornchildin
thatway,onethathadfingersandtoes,andclearlydefined

features,thenhowcouldtheysaytheywereanupholder
forhumanlife?Wasn’twhattheyweredoingtheexact
opposite?”

“Oh,Michael,”Nikkibreathed.“Doyouwanttotell

meaboutit?”

IknewNikkiwascatholic.

ShewenttochurchreligiouslyeverySunday.

Infact,asawaytogetclosertoher,I’dstartedgoing

toconversionclasses,andattendingSundaymassatthe
verychurchthatshewenttojustsoIcouldbreachsomeof
thegapbetweenherandme.

Thefactthatabortionwouldneverbeutteredfromher

lipsreallyheldgreatappealtome.

Becauseabortionhadbeenadeterminingfactorinhow

I’dlivemylifefromthemomentIturnedtwentythree.

Evennow,twelveyearslater,Icanstillremember

whatthatbabylookedlike.

Ilookedatiteverydayinthemirror.

“It’sgory.Andnotagoodstory,”Iwarnedher.

Shepressedfurtherintomyarms,andsaidwhatI

neededtohear.“Tellme.”

SoIdid.

“IwasaskedifIwantedto,andsinceI’dnever

witnessedonebefore,Ithought‘sure,whynot.’Well,the
whynotbecamea‘whatthehellhaveIdone’prettyfuckin’
quickly.I’dheardaboutabortionsduringoneofthemany
lectures.Knewthebasicsofit.SoIgointhere,and
there’sthiswomanalreadyonthetablewithherlegshigh
andwideintheair.”Iclearedmythroat.“Shewas
asleep,anditwasthenIrealizedthatthebabytheywere
doingtheabortiononwasaviablefetus,butthemother
justdidn’twanther.”

“Iwatchedastheyhookedthevacuumup,maneuvered

thesmallhoseuphervagina,andstartedtosuckaway.”I
coughed.“Instantly,therewasblood,andthat’saboutwhen
Iturnedaroundandrefusedtowatchanymore.I’djust
witnessedachildmurderedrightinfrontofmyeyes.”

“God,”shebreathed,asobcatchinginherthroat.

“ThatwasthefirsttattooIgot,”Isaid,grabbingher

handwithmyownandmovingittorestovermyheart.
“That’swhenImetPeek.”

Shemovedaway,placingdistancethatIdidn’twant

betweenus,betweenus,andheldoutherhand.“Showme
yourPeek.”

Andthat’swhatIdid.

Hoppingoffthetruck’stailgate,Imademywayinside,

handinhand,withNikki.

Thefirstpersontogreetusatthefrontcounterwas

Alison,thewomanthat’dbeenworkingthefrontdeskfor
aslongasIcouldremember.

ShewasalsoPeek’soldlady.

Peekwasamemberofanunofficialmotorcycleclub,

andoneofthegrumpiestmenintheentireworld.

Yet,herespectedamanwhocouldspeakhislanguage.

AndPeek’slanguagewastheartoftattoos,andIhadalot
oftattoos.

“Mikey!”Alisonsaidhappily.“Youreadytogetthat

blankspotonyourbackfilledin?”

BeforeIcouldanswer,Nikkispokeup.

“Actually,he’sbringingmeheretogetmyfirsttattoo!”

Nikkisaidexcitedly,asifwe’dactuallyplannedforthatto
happen.

WhenIwenttosaysomething,sheplacedherhand

overmymouthandshookherhead.

“Really?Mikey’sneverbroughtanyoneherebefore!

I’msoexcitedtomeetyou!You’reNikki,right?”Alison
askedwithahappylaugh.

Nikkiturnedcuriouseyestomebeforereturningher

attentiontoAlison.

“Yeah,I’mNikki.Ihopeyou’veheardgoodthings,”

shesaidhonestly.

IknewIshouldstopthisbeforeitwentanyfurther,but

Idecidedtoletitbe.Whatwassaidwassaid,andIdidn’t
haveanythingtohide.

NikkiwouldfindoutsoonenoughwhatI’ddoneeven

withoutAlison’shelp.

Alisonsmiled.“Ohyeah.Michaeltoldusallaboutyou

whenPeekwasdoingthepieceonhisback.”

Nikkiblinkedandturnedtome,butAlisondidn’t

notice.ShewastoobusygoingonandonaboutallthatI’d
saidthatnightayearandahalfago.

ThenightI’dbeendrunkoutofmymind.

“What’dyoudo?”Sheaskedwarily.

Ishruggedandturnedaround,givinghermyback.

“Rightabovemybelt,”Itoldher.

SlowlyIfeltmyshirtlifted,andthenshegasped.

Iknewwhatshesaw.

Itwaskindofhardtomiss.

“Youhavemynametattooedonyourass!”She

squealed.

Isnortedandturnedaround,givingheradrylook.

“It’sonmywaist,notmyass.Idon’thaveanythingon

myass.Icanalwaysgetoneifyouwant,”Ioffered

suggestively.

Shewiggledherfingersatme.

“Turnbackaround,”shesaid.“Iwasn’tdonelooking.”

IdidasIwastold,andfelthertracingthelettersofher

namethatwasinkedintomyfleshwithherfingers.

“Why?”Sheaskedsoftly.

Ishrugged.

“Seemedlikeagoodideaatthetime,”Isaidlamely.

Shelaughed,makingmyheartsoar.

“I’veheardofwomenputtingtheirman’snameright

there,sohecan,yaknow,seeitwhenhedoesherfrom,ya
know,behind.ButI’veneverseenamandoit,”she
tittered.

Iletmyshirtdropandturnedbackaroundtoseeher

eyesnowfixatedonmycrotch,andIbarelyresistedthe
urgetocoveritwithmyhand.

“So,”Isaidteasingly.“Whatareyougettingonthat

virginskinofyours,Nik?”

We’dtalkedaboutitonce,alifetimeago,buttimes

changed.Asdidopinions.

Nikki,though,waspredictable,provingtomeshe

hadn’tchangedabit.

“HaveyouseenthosehugeeyedstuffedanimalTy

BeanieBabies?”SheaskedAlison.

Alisonnodded.“Yeah,whohasn’t?”

Nikkismiled.

“That’swhatIwant.”

Ishookmyhead.

Thatwoman.

Onourfirstdatetogether,I’dwonheronefromoneof

thosemachineswhereyouusedtheclawtograbthestuffed
animaloutoftheoverpricedmachine.

She’dfalleninlovewithit,andI’dstartedcallingher

‘Owl’laterthatnightasIsawtheresemblancebetweenthe
owl’seyesandNikki’s.

Whenshe’djokedthatshewasgoingtogetatattooof

theowl,I’dcalledheronit,andwe’dmadeabetthatshe
wouldn’t.

Butthen,astimewenton,we’dforgottenaboutit.

Thenthingshadgonedown,andsuddenlytherewasno

moreNikkiandMichael.

Well,I’dforgottenaboutit.

Nikki,apparently,hadnot.

“Doyouhaveaspecificoneyouhadinmind?”Alison

asked.

Nikkismiledanddugintoherbottomlesspitofapurse

forherphone,unearthingitafteremptyingnotonlyher
wallet,keys,andamakeupbag,butalsoapairofflip
flops,ontothecounter.

Icoulddonothingbutshakemyhead.

“Thatwoman.”

“Oh!”Alisonsaidexcitedly.“Iloveit!”

Alisonwasafortyfouryearoldwomanwithgraying

blondehair,butrightthen,withthewayshewasgiggling
likeateenagegirl,shecould’vepassedforoneofthe
younggirlsthatPeekhadjustshownoutthedoor.

“Whatareyousquealin’about,woman?Youknowhow

thathurtsmeears,”Peekgrowledteasingly.

PeekwasfourthgenerationIrish.

Hehadathickaccent,butwhenhewastalkingtohis

wife,theaccentgotthickerandthickerashecroonedhis
sweetwordstoher.Oryelledather.

“Howyedoin’,boyo?”Peekaskedslappingmeonthe

shoulderwithhislargehand.

Peekwasasixfootfourinchpowerhousethattowered

overmysixfoottwoframe.

Iwasn’tskinnybyanymeans.

Ihadmuscleontopofmuscle.

Peek,ontheotherhand,wasabullwheretherestofus

weremostdefinitelynot.

HewasavolunteerfirefighterfortheUncertain,Texas

FireDepartmentasneeded,andheworkedathistattoo
parlorinKilgore,Uncertain,andGunBarrellCityona
rotatingshift.Hewasalsoamember,andpresident,ofthe
UncertainSaint’sMC.

PeekhadstartedtheMCalongtimeagoafterthedeath

ofhisandAlison’soneandonlyson.

Apparentlyit’dbeenduetodrugs,butI’dnever

broachedthesubjectanyfurtherthanwhathewaswilling
togive.

I’dmethimthatfirstnight,twelveyearsago,andhe’d

helpedmecopewithmydecisiontoleavemedicine,as
wellasmyparent’soutrageoverthefact.

He’dalsointroducedmetotheChiefofPolice,Chief

Rhodes,onmynextshoreleave.

We’dhititoff,andI’dfoundmyselfajobwithKilgore

PoliceDepartmenttheminutemyfeetmetevenearthonce
again.

“I’mdoingwell,Peek.This,”Isaid,holdingoutmy

handtoNikki,whoignoredmeassheshowedAlison
picturesofnephews.“IsNikki.”

Peeksmiled,movingcloseruntilhewasdirectly

behindNikkiwithhisbodyturnedtowardsme,
rememberingjustasAlisonhad.“I’mgladtohearthat,
boyo.What’reyedoin’here?”

NikkiturnedwhensheheardPeekatherback.

Eyeswideinwondershesaid,“I’venevermetan

Irishmanbefore.”

Peekturnedtoherandgaveheraleeringgrin.“Would

youliketo?”

Rollingmyeyes,Imoveduntilmyarmwasaround

Nikki’sneck.“She’sspokenfor,bigguy.AndI’mfondof
Nikki’seyes,”Isaidlookingpointedlyataninnocent
lookingAlisonwhohadthegracetolookchagrined.

Afewmonthsago,Peekhadbeenworkingonaclient,

ayoungfemalewhowasgettingoneofthemost-hated-by-
Peektattoo’sever,abutterfly,whentheyoungclienthad
grabbedPeek’scrotch.

Alison,havingwitnessedtheincident,flipped.Then

threwthegirlandherhalf-finishedbutterflyoutthefront
door.

I’dbeentheonetotakethecallwhenthegirlhad

calledtoreporttheapparent‘assault,’whichwereactually
justafewscratchesonherface.

“Ican’thelpthatthatgirlwasadumbasswhothoughtit

wasappropriatetograbaman’s,amarriedman’s,crotch,”
Alisonsaidstubbornly,beforetossingaglareinher
husband’sdirection.

“Ican’thelpthatmepackageisirresistible!”Peeksaid

inhisIrishbrogue.

Nikkilaughed,coveringhermouthtocontainher

gigglesbeforeturninglaughingeyesonme.

“Youreadytogetthattattoodone,Owl?”Iasked

softly,ignoringthetwobickeringpeopletooursides.

Shenodded.“Yeah,Ithinkit’stime.”

Chapter6

IfsheevenlooksatmeI’llfuckherface

up…withmykillerglare,andhellacious

coldshoulder.

-NikkitoLennox

Nikki

“Hello?”Iansweredmyphone.Isoundedtired.

I’dliterallybeeninbedforlessthanfourhours,tops,

andIwasdyingtogobacktosleep.

“Nikki?”Lennoxwhisperedsoftly.“Whereareyou?”

Myeyesblinkedopentiredly,andIrolledovertolook

attheclock.

“Inbed,”Imoaned.“Why?”

“Uhh,becauseyouweresupposedtobeherethirty

minutesago.YoutoldmeyouswitchedwithDamon,and
neitheryouorDamonishere,andJoslin’sonafuckin’
rampage,”Lennoxsaidhurriedly.“She’stellingeveryone
shecanthatyou’renothereyet.I’vebeenstalling,butyou
needtohurry!”

“Crap,”Iwhispered,joltingupoutofbed.“I’llbe

thereintenminutes.”

PullingabrushthroughmyhairasIwenttothe

bathroom,Ihurriedlypulledonclothesandrushedthrough
mymorningroutinethatwouldnormallytakefortyfive
minutes,condensingitdownintofive.

Whichmeantmyhairwascurlyinsteadofstraightlike

Iusuallystyledit.

Itmeantthatmymakeupwasnon-existentandmy

clotheswerewrinkledbecauseI’dhadtopullthemoutof
apileofclothesonthefootofmybedthatmycatlovedto
knockdownwhenshecould.AnditalsomeantthatIwas
wearingthewrongcoloredtennisshoes,becauseIcouldn’t
findmyworkpair.

IwassureI’dgetreprimandedforit,butifI’dknown

aheadoftimethatI’dgetwrittenupforitandnearlylose
myjob,Iwould’vecalledinsick.

Myphonerangagain,andInearlypanicked.

Iwasreligiouslylate.

Toeverything.

Birthdays,work,parties,dates.

Ifithadapossibilityformetobelate,Iwaslate.

Luckily,itwasjustmysister,Noel.

“Nik-Nik,canIborrowyourcar?Ihavetohavethe

brakesfixedonmine,andIneedtodrivetoTylerfor
school,”Noelsaidpleadingly.

Irolledmyeyes.“Aslongasyoufillitbackupwith

gas,andbringitbackintimeformetodrivehomefrom
worklater.”

“Deal,”shesaid.“I’llcomegetitfromyourworkin

abouttenminutes.”

Iclosedthefrontdoortomyapartmentbehindmeand

startedtohurrydownthehalltothestairs.“Makeitfifteen.
I’mrunninglate.”

Shelaughed.“Whydoesthatnotsurpriseme?”

“Watchit,”Iteased.“Seeyoulater.Becarefultoday.”

Withthat,Ihungupandstartedtorundownthestairs.

IwasgoingtobelaterthanI’dsaid.

Twelveminuteslater,Iwaspushingthroughthedoors

oftheERwithmybagoveroneshoulder.

SinceIdidn’thaveanyfoodinmybag,becauseI

hadn’thadtimetomakeanythinglastnightnorthis
morning,Istoredmybagunderneaththenurse’sstationand
mademywayuptoBryan,thechargenurse.

“Bryan,”Isaid,catchinghisattention.“I’msorryI’m

late.Ihadareallylongnight.”

Ididn’ttellhimwhyIhadalongnight,however.

Andhedidn’task.

Henodded.“Don’tmakeahabitofit,Pena.”

Inodded,thenwincedwhenthemovementpulledthe

skinatmyback,remindingmeonceagainofthetattooI’d
gottenjusthoursago.AndMichael.

“Bryan,whenhavewebecomeallowedtowear

coloredshoes?”AsnottyfemalevoicebelongingtoJoslin,
asked.

BryanlookedupfromhischartingtoJoslin.

“We’renotallowedtowearcoloredshoes.Youknow

therules,whiteonly,”Bryansaid,soundingslightly
annoyed.

Iwalkedaway,knowingwherethiswasgoingbefore

I’devenhadtimetoprocessthefactthatJoslinwasaiming
formetoday.

“ButNikki’swearingshoeslikethat,”Joslintattled

likeatwoyearold.

Bryan’seyesturnedtome,takinginmyshoes.

Thenquicklyturnedbacktohischarting.

ItwasthesoftthroatclearingfromJoslinthathadhim

sighingandlookingatme.

“Gochangethem,Pena,”Bryansaidtiredly.

Whatthefuckwasthat?

“Youwantmetogohometochangethem?”Iaskedfor

clarification.

Henodded.“Yeah.Now.”

Ishrugged.“That’sfinewithme,butit’sgonnatakeme

anotherhourorsotogetback.Ilentmycartomysisterfor
theday.I’msureshe’salreadypickeditupbynow.SoI’ll
havetocallherforaridehome.”

Bryangrowledinfrustration.

“Nikki,”hesaid,standingup.“Followmetothebreak

room.Weneedtotalk.”

Stomachclutching,IfollowedBryanoutthedouble

doorsanddownasidehallwaythatledtoourbreakroom,
allthewhileJoslin’slaughingeyesfollowedmeout.

Irefrainedfromflippingherthebird,butonlyjust

barely.

Iwasalreadyintrouble,andIwasfairlypositive

JoslinwouldjusttellhimwhatI’ddoneanyway.SoIput
onmybiggirlpantiesandfolloweddutifullybehindBryan.

Oncewewereinthebreakroom,hesatontheedgeof

thetableandcrossedhisarms.

“I’vealreadyhadtotalkwiththedirectoraboutyour

constantlateness,”hesaidwithoutpreamble.

Ipinchedmylipsclosed.

Ihadnoreason.

Iwaslate.

Endofstory.

Andalwayswouldbe.

“I’msorry,”Isaidsincerely.

AndIwas.

Notforjustpastincidences,butforfutureincidences

aswell.

Hesighedandrolledhisheaduptotheceiling.

“Youneedtogetyourducksinarow,”hesaid.“Ihave

afeelingthattheonlyreasonthey’vekeptyouisbecause
you’resuchagoodworker.You’realwaysstayinglate,
alwayspickingupshiftsandwillingtomovewhenweask
youto.Butthatdoesn’tmakeupforthefactthatyou’re
constantlylate,andyouneedtotryhardertogetthatfixed,
otherwiseI’llbeobligatedtoreportthistothedirector,
okay?”Heasked,soundingtired.

Inodded,uncrossingmyarmsandplacingmyhandsin

mypocketsofmyscrubs.“Sure.”

Iwouldn’tmakeanypromises,though.

Thatwasjustme.Iwaslate.

“I’vealsohadacomplaintaboutyoufromafewofthe

staffmembersforgoingoffoncoffeebreakstoooften,”he
saidcarefully.

Afewstaffmembersmyass!

Itwasonlyonestaffmember!

Andthatwasbecauseshe’djustcomebackfrom

suckingsomeman’scock!

Whore!

“Isee,”Isaidcarefully.“Anddoesthisstaffmember

happentohaveavendettaagainstmeorsomething?”

Heblinked.

“Um,no,”heansweredlamely.

Liar!

“Well,Ionlywentononecoffeebreakyesterday,

Bryan.AndthatwasrightafterIhadtoputanIVintosome
kidwho’djustbeenshotinthehead!”Iallbutsnarled.
“ExcusemeifIcan’thandlethatandneededafucking
break!”

Heblinked,surprisedatmyoutburst.

“Iwasn’tawarethatwaswhyyou’dgoneyesterday.

I’donlyheardwhatshesaidtome.Iapologize,”Bryan
saidtruthfully.

Ah-ha!

She!

Wellthatcouldonlybeoneperson!

“Stupidcuntmuffin,”ImutteredasIturnedaroundto

leave.“Fuckingherwaytothetop.”

Istompedmywaydownthehallway,passingthe

entranceintotheER,andthencametoadeadstopwhenI
sawJoslin’sfuckinghandonmyMichael.

Hewaslookingatherwithconcernasshewipeda

faketearfromhereyelid,andIlostit.

It’shardtosaywhereIcamebymytemper.

Mypapalikedtosaythatitwasmymom’s.Mymom

likedtosaythatitcamefrommydad.

Whereveritcamefrom,itwaslegendary.

However,legendarytemperornot,Ineededmyjob,so

Ihadmytantruminthebaywheretheambulancesparked
insteadofinthehallwayinfrontofthestupidbitch.

“Stupidsonofawhore.Putaneedsherbrainscanned

ifshethinksshecanfuckwithme.I’maPena,goddammit!
AndthatpendejohasanotherthinkcomingifhethinksI’m
goingtostandforthisafterlastnight.Motherfucker!”I
hissedloudlyasImarchedoutoftheslidingglassdoors.

Andrightintoagroupofbikersthatwerelookingatme

funny.

IntheirleadwasPeek,andhehadamockingsmileon

hisfacethatwasperilouslyclosetobeingslappedoff.

“Whatarey’alllookingat,fools?”Isnapped,pushing

throughthem.

Theymoved,I’msuresomeofthemtryingnottolaugh.

Others,likethetalldarkandhandsomeonewiththe

caramelskinandthelaughinggreeneyes,aswellasPeek,
didn’tbothertohidethelaughsthatbubbledoutoftheir
throat.

“What’sgotyourpantiesinawad,Owl?”Peek

laughedfrombehindme.

IflippedhimthebirdasIstompedacrosstheparking

lot,notmissingthefactthatthroughtheglasswallsthat
linedthebackhallwayIcouldseeMichaelstandingwith
Joslin,inmuchthesamepositionasbefore,butnowhehad
hishandsonherhead.

ImadeitallthewaytotheparkinglotbeforeIrealized

I’dforgottenthatIdidn’thaveacar.

ThenIsawtheshinyDodgedieselwiththeblackrims

andelectricbluepaintjobthatMichaelhadgotten
sometimeinthelastyear,andbadNikkicameouttoplay.

Let’sjustsaythatmybrothertaughtmeathingortwo

inhistime,andwithnothingelsebettertodo,I’dhonedthe
skillsuntilIcouldgetintoanything,anddriveanything.

Thenewervehicleswereequippedwithkeylessentry,

andyouhadtohavearemoteinthevehicletostartit.

Michael,though,hadmadeawhoopsieyesterday.

He’dtoldmeaboutasparekeyhekeptinhistoolbox.

I’dneverthoughtthatI’dneedtoknowthat…butright

nowitcameinreallyfuckinghandy!

Reachingunderthewheelwell,Iduckedmyhead

abovethetireandlookedfortheblackbox,findingit
withinseconds.

Theboxcameoffthemetalitwasattachedtoeasily

enough,buttheentirethingwascoveredindirtandgrease,
effectivelymakingmyhandcompletelycoveredinthe
gunk.

NotthatIcared.

Iwasonmywayhome.

I’dtakemytimeandcomebackdressed,really

dressed,andtakeitfromthere.

AlthoughI’dprobablyabandonMichael’svehiclea

coupleofblocksoverfrommyapartment.

Itwouldn’tdotohavehimknowingitwasme.

Pressingtheunlockbutton,Iopenedthedoorand

hauledmyselfinside.

“Isthereareasonamanhastolifthistrucksobig?”I

mutteredtomyself,slammingthedoor.

Pressingmyfootonthebrake,andpunchingthestart

button,thedieselmotorrumbledtolifewithaquietpurr.

Lookingleftandright,aswellasatthedoorwhereI

guessedMichaelwouldcomeoutofifheknewhistruck
wasleavinghim,Ipulledoutoftheparkingspotthat
Michaelhadsonicelybackedintoforme.

ThenIwasontheroadandtwominutesfromwhereI’d

decidedtoparkmynewestacquisitionwhentheredand
bluelightslitupmymirror.

“Sonofabitch!”Isaid,cursingmyselfandmy

stupidity.“You’realwaysdoingthis,Nikki.Alwayswith
thebaddecisions.”

Tomakemattersworse,itwasmystinkin’brother

behindthewheelofthecruiserthatwaspullingmeover.

Hissurprisewasasgreatasminewhenhesawme

behindthewheel.

Ittookhimafewminutestospeak,butwhenhedid,it

wasn’tnice.

NotthatthatwasunusualforNico.

Hewasamajordicksometimes.

“Youareonestupidbitch,”hesighed.

ItookthenearestthingtomethatIcouldreachand

threwitathim,whichhappenedtobeawaterbottlehalf
filledwithGatorade.

Heeasilycaughtitandglared.

“Youdoknow,right,thathalftheforceisnowlooking

forhistruck?”Heaskedwitharaisedbrow.

Ishrugged.“Iwasmad.”

Heblinked.“Youweremad…soyouthoughtit’dbea

goodideatostealaman’struck?”

“Ididn’tstealit.Iborrowedit,”Isaidstubbornly.

Hejustshookhishead.“Getout.”

“No.”

“Yes,”hesaidthroughclenchedteeth.

“Makeme!”Icountered.

IwassittinginthebackofNico’spolicecarwhen

Michaelpulleduptwentyminuteslater.

Nicowasleaningagainstthehood,tiredofhearingme

yellathim,andIwasmad.

I’dprobablybefired,too.

IknewIwouldn’tbearrestedfor‘borrowing’

Michael’struck,butNicowasanassandputmebackhere
becausehewantedto,notbecausehehadto.

Michaeldroppedoutofanothercruiserthatpulledup

nosetonosewithMichael’struck,andgotout.

That’swhenIclosedmyeyesandgotcomfortable.

Leaningmybackagainstthedoor,Icrossedmyarms

overmychestandstretchedmylegs,withmyforbidden
coloredshoes,acrosstheseat.

IwastryingnottothinkaboutwhatIwouldfindonmy

clothesifIhadablacklight.

Theinsideofthiscruiserwasdisgusting,andifthis

neverhappenedagain,it’dbegreat.

Itevensmelledbad.

Tappingonthewindowacrossfrommehadmyeyes

snappingopen,andthenshuttingjustasquickly.

ThedooropenedandMichael’sdeep,sexyvoicesaid,

“Getout.”

Ishookmyheadandclosedmyeyes.“Nope,sorry.

Can’t.Mybrother’sthearrestingofficer.I’llhavetodeal
withhimfromnowon.”

Michael’seyesnarrowed.“I’mnotgoingtosayit

again,Nikki.”

“AndwhatareyougoingtodoifIdon’tlisten?Sit

thereandstareatme?Yeah.No,”Isaid,closingmyeyes
onceagain.

Thenmyasswasslidingacrosstheseatbywayof

Michael’smassivehandwrappedaroundmyankle.

Iscreamed,turningoverontomybellyashegotmy

legsoutofthecar,andthenlatchingontothedoorasIwas

pulledallthewayout.

Michael’shandswenttomyhipsashepulledharder,

andmygriponthedoorstartedtogive.

“Letmego,youbigdouchebag!”Iyelled.“Help!”

Wewereonadesertedstreetinthemiddleof

downtown,sothefactthatIwasyelling‘help’whenthere
wasnoonearoundwasquitecomical,andapparently
Michaelthoughtso.

Helaughed.Thebastard.

“Letmego!Ihateyou!”Iyelled,startingtokickwhen

hetossedmeoverhisshoulder.

Hesmackedmyass,andIscreeched.

“Youbastard!”Isnarled.

“Youalreadysaidthat,”hesaidlaughingly,walking

pastmybrotherandtheotherofficerwhobroughthim,
whichhappenedtobeJames.

Mybrother’smouthtwitchedasIpassed,andthebottle

he’dhandedbacktomeasheshovedmeintothecar
soundedlikeagreatthingtothrowathimagainhadIhad
it.

ExceptMichaelhadmademeloseitwithhiscaveman

tendencies.

Whenhegottothepassengerdoortohistruck,he

unlockeditwiththekeysinhishandandyankedthedoor
openforcefullybeforedepositingmeunceremoniouslyon
theseat.

Igaspedinsurprise,andthenglaredatthecloseddoor

thathadjustslammedinmyface.

“Pendejo.”Imuttered,thentriedtoopenthedoor.

Itdidn’topen,mostlybecausemybrotherwasthereto

stopme.

Iflippedhimoffandhelaughed.

“I’llgetyoubackforthis,”Isaid,pointingathim

warningly.

Heliftedbothhandsandshookinfaketerror.

Inarrowedmyeyes,andthensmiledasIpulledoutmy

cellphone.

“Hello?”Mybestfriendanswered.

“Georgia,”Isaidwhensheanswered.“Youknowlast

weekwhenyouaskedNicowhathehadforlunch,andhe
saidsalad?Yeah,itwasreallyaburgerfromJucy’s.He
liedtoyou.”

Heroutragedgasp,andthentheclickofthephonein

myear,followedbytheinstantringingofNico’shadme
nearlylaughinginhilarity.

“Karma’sabitch!”Iyelledwhenheansweredthe

phone.

Georgiawasonadiet,whichmeantthatNicowason

one,too.

ExceptNicodidn’twanttobeonadiet,andeveryday

hewasonshiftheateoutbecausehewassohungry.

Hepaidincashbecauseshecouldseetheirbank

account,andI’dcaughthimatGeorgia’sfavoriterestaurant
justlastweekwherehe’dmademepromisenottotell.

LikethegoodsisterIam,Ididn’ttell.Untilheputon

hisbastardhat.Thenallbetswereoff.

“Thatwasn’tnice,”Michaelsaidfrommyside.

I’dheardhimopenhisdoor,ofcourse,butIwas

ignoringhimsoIdidn’tbotheracknowledginghim.

Crossingmyarmsovermychest,Istaredstraight

aheadandrefusedtoeventhinkabouthim.

“Putyourseatbelton,”heorderedashestartedthe

truck.

Iignoredhim.

“Nikki,”hesaidwithasigh.“Putiton.”

Ididn’t.

Growlinginexasperation,heunbuckledhisown

seatbelt,reachedacrossme.

Hisforearmcaressedmybreast,andmynipple

tightened.

Thetraitorousbitch.

Oncehehadaholdofthebelt,hereacheditaroundme

andbuckleditintoplacenexttomyhip.

Hesmelledgood.NotthatIwouldadmitthat.

Andmynippleswerestilltingling.

Michaelwentbacktohisseat,rolleddownthe

window,andstartedbackingup.

“Thanks!”Heyelledatthetwomenwatchingusleave.

Isnorted.

Screwthem,too.

I’dbetalkingwithJames’wife,too.IwasfairlysureI

couldfindsomedirtonhimtowipethatsmirkoffhisface.

“Whatcrawledupyourass?”Heaskedoncewewere

ontheroad.

Iturnedmyheadtolookoutthewindowandstayed

silent.

“Stopbeingchildishandtalktome.Whatyoudid

todaycould’veturnedoutalotdifferent.You’reluckyit
wasyourbrothertopullyouoverandnotsomeonethat
didn’tknowyou.Thingscould’vegonetoshiteasily,”he
growled.

Iturnedtohimthen.

“Youwannaknowchildish?Howaboutyourwife

tellingeveryoneatworkthatI’mapisspooremployee,
andthentattlingonmebecauseI’mwearingthewrong
shoes.Thesame‘rule,’andIsayrulewiththeupmost
reluctancebecausenobodyfollowsit,thateveryone
breaks.WhichIthengetsenthomefor,”Isnarled.

Heblinked.“She’snotmywife.”

“Well,youfuckedherandyouweremarriedtoher.

Nearlythesamething,”Itoldhim.

“It’snotnearlythesamething.I’vebeendivorcedfrom

Joslinforwayovertwoyears.Wehavenorelationship
whatsoever,andshe’smarryingmybrother,”Michaelsaid
matteroffactly.

Itriedhardnottoreacttothefactthatshewas

marryingMichael’sbrother,butfailed.

“She’swhat?”Iyelled.

Wellifthatdidn’ttakethewindoutofmysails,Ididn’t

knowwhatwould.

Michaelshotmeanamusedlook,anditonlymadethat

fireburningdowninmybellybecomehotter.

Hewassosexy.

Hisblackhairwasshavedtightlytohisheadonthe

sides,andhadaboutahalfinchontop,andhisfacewas
cleanshaven,thoughithadn’tbeenlastnight.Hewasback
inhistrademarkblackt-shirt,andapairofjeanscovered
hislegs.

“Yeah,youheardright,”henodded.

Iblinkedandturnedbacktowardsmywindow.

Shewassuchahoe!

Bryan.AtleastthreedoctorsthatIknew.And

Michael’sbrother?Forreal?

Howdidthewomanhavethatmuchenergy?

“Ithoughtyouhadtoworktoday,”Isaidaccusingly,

notturningawayfromtheview.

“Ido.Attwelve.It’sonlyninethirtyinthemorning,”

heanswered.“Iwasuptheretocomeseeyou,whenI
didn’tfindyouatyourapartment,butJoslinwastellingme
youweresenthome.”

Iclenchedmyhandsintofists.

“Sheissuchabitch,”Isnarled.

Hesnorted.“Andyou’rejustnowfiguringthisout?”

Isnorted.“Youweretouchingher.”

Hesighed.“There’ssomethingwrongwithher.She

doesn’tunderstandtheword‘no.’She’sdeviousand
vindictive.I’velearnedovertheyearsthattheeasiestway

todealwithherisjustletherhavewhatshewants.Or,at
least,letherthinkshegotwhatshewants.Gentleness
seemstothrowheroff,sothat’swhyIdothat.I’velearned
tobejustasmanipulativeassheisoutofnecessity.”

Irolledmyeyes.“Well,Ithinkifyouwanttocontinue

thisrelationship,youaregoingtoneedtofigureouthowto
nottouchher,becauseIdon’tlikeit.Notevenalittlebit.”

Hesmiled,revealingbrilliantwhiteteeth.

“Noted,”heagreedimmediately.

Thenheturnedbacktotheroad,andIwasleft

contemplatingmybrashnessofstealinghistruck.

“Isometimesdon’tthinkbeforeIact,”Iadmitted

softly,lookingatmyhands.

Hesnorted.“That’sanunderstatement.”

“I’lltrynottostealyourtruckagain,”Isaidsoftly.

“Youwon’thavetheopportunitytostealmytruck

again,”helaughed.

Iraisedmybrowathim.

“Youthink?”Iasked.

Hesmiled.“Iknow.”

Whenwepulleduptomyapartment,Ipulledoutmy

keysandofferedthemtohim.

Hetookthem,thankfulthathehadn’tasked,andstarted

upthestairs.

I’drealizedoverthecourseofourfourmonthdating

life,andagainlastnight,thatMichaellikedtobecautious.

Itdidn’tmatterifweweregonetenminutesorfive

hours,whenwegotbacktomyplace,hewasgoingtotake
alookthroughthehousetobesurethateverythingwasfine
beforeheleftme.

Ifollowedbehindhim,bemused,andwalkedintothe

doorjustashewascomingoutofthekitchenand
disappearingintothebedroom.

IhadaonebedroomapartmentthatIlovedtohate.

Iwasonthetoprightofafourapartmentunit,andI

hatedeverysecondofit.

Theneighbortomyrightstolemyparkingspot.The

neighbortomybottomleftlikedtotakemyclothesoutof
thesharedlaundryroom.Andtheneighbordirectlybelow
melikedtohaveloud,wallbangingsex.NotthatIknew
howhediditsinceIwasabovehim,andIwasfairlysure
hecouldn’tfuckontheceilings.

Regardless,hedidit,andIwasimpressed.Butalsoa

littlesleepdeprivedattimes.

Theinterioroftheapartmentwasnothingspecial.

Whitegenericwalls,beigecarpeting.Plaincrappy

countertopsandappliancesthatshould’vebeenupdated
lastdecade.

Myfurniture,however,wasnice.

Ispentalotoftimeathome,andIwantedtobe

comfortablewhileIdidit.

WhichwaswhyI’dspentnearlyanentirepaycheckon

mycouch,andthenextpaycheckonmyTV.

Mybedwasn’tasniceasmycouch,whichwaswhyI

foundmyselfsleepingonthecouchmoreoftenthannot.

“What’dyougetsenthomefor?”Michaelasked,

breakingintomythoughts.

Iturnedtohimandcrossedmyarmsovermybreasts.

“Icouldn’tfindmy‘appropriate’shoesforworkthis

morning,soIworemyregulartennisshoes,whichJoslin
immediatelybroughtuptoourboss,andIgotsenthometo
changethem.Althoughthatwasoveranhourandahalf
ago,soImightnothaveajobtogobackto,”Iadmitted.

Hemovedforward,runninghishandalongthebackof

thecouch.

Visionsofouronesinglenighttogetherstartedtofilter

throughmybrain,andIbarelyrestrainedtheurgetocross
mylegstotrytocircumventthethrobbetweenmylegs.

“You’llhaveajobtogobackto,”Michaeltoldme.

“Asforyourshoes,thoseareinmytruckinthebackseat.
Youtookthemofflastnightandforgottotaketheminwith
you.WhichwaswhatIwasbringingbacktoyouwhenyou
stolemytruck.”

Ilaughed.

Thatman!Howfreakin’funnyhewas!

“Thatwould’vesavedmealotoftimeandheartache,”

Itoldhim.“Whydidn’tyoujusttextme?”Iasked.

“Youtoldmetoloseyournumber,remember?Since

I’dnevermemorizedit,andyoudeleteditfrommyphone,
Ididn’thaveit.UnlessIwantedtocallNico,andtoday
washisdaytotakeastandardizedtestwiththedepartment,
athoughitwascanceled,thankGod.SoIwouldn’thave
beenabletodothat.SoIbroughtthemtoyouinstead,”he
explained,hiseyeseatingmeup.

Isighed.

Turningtomykitchen,Iputmybagdownonthetable

andwenttothefridgetograbmylunch,whichI’dforgotten
andshoveditintomybag.

“WellIguessyoudidn’thavetobringmealltheway

homethen.I’lljusthavetogochangemyclothesnow
becauseIfeellikeIswaminacesspoolafterbeinginthe
backofNico’scopcar,”Isaid,headingtomybedroom.

Strippingmyshirtoffontheway,Itossedittothefloor

ofmybedroomandwenttomyclosetforanewone.

Isteppedoutofmyshoesandpushedmypantsdown

myhipswhenIfeltapairofhandssettleoneitherhip.

“I’mprettysurethatIshould’vestayedintheliving

room,”hewhisperedagainstthebackofmyneck.

Tinglesstartedtorundownmyspine,andthistimeI

didn’ttrytostopmythighsfromrubbingtogether.

Justthesoundoftheman’shuskyvoicehadme

replayingouronenight,rememberingwhatitfeltliketo
havehiminsideofme.Thewayhisroughhandsfelt
againstthesensitiveskinofmybreasts.

Thewayhisbeardtickledthelipsofmysexashe

pulledhiscockfrommeandatemetocompletionright
beforeslammingbackinsideofmeandcominghardintwo
roughstrokes.

“Why?”Iaskedbreathlessly,wideningmylegswhen

hishandstartedtomovebetweenmythighs.

“Becauseyou’reabouttobeevenlater.”

Chapter7

You’retooshorttobethatfullofshit.

-MichaeltoNikki

Nikki

Igaspedinsurprisewhenhespunmearoundand

movedforwarduntilmybackmettheshirtsIhadhanging
inmycloset.

Hangersscreechedinprotestasourbodiesforcedthem

topressagainstthewall.

OneofmyhandswentaroundMichael’sshouldersas

theotherwenttothepolecurrentlyholdingupeveryshirtI
owned.

“I’mgonnabepickingtheseuplater,”Igaspedright

beforeMichael’smouthmetmine.

Imoanedashistonguesweptinside,rubbingteasingly

alongmineasheforcedhismouthdownharderonmy
own.

WhenIfelthishandsmovebetweenus,Iliftedmyhips

slightly,allowingmyachingcoretorubagainsthishard
absasheunbuckledhispantsandletthemdroptohis
ankles.

Igaspedwhenhetookholdofmyhipsandforcedthem

backdown.

Hiscockgroundagainstmypantycladpussy,andI

couldn’thelptheinvoluntaryjerkofmyhipsaspleasure
rippedthroughmeatthesimpletouch.

“Michael,”Igasped,throwingmyheadbacktopillow

inmyshirts.

Hismouthskimmedalongmycollarbone,andmoved

downuntilhislipsglidedovertheswellofmybreast.

Ihadonamodestwhitebrathatwasthesingleonethat

Ifoundcomfortabletowearalldaywhileworking,andI
wasfairlysureitprobablywasn’twhatonewouldcall
attractive.

Yet,Iforgottocarewhenhetuggedthecupofthebra

coveringonebreastdownwithhisteeth,thenfollowedthat
bysuckingthetipofmynippleintohishot,wetmouth.

“Oh,Jesus,”Ibreathed,hipsmovingjerkilyastiny

sparkscenteringinthetipofmynipplecoursedthroughmy
body.

MystomachclenchedandImovedbothhandsfromhis

shouldersdown.

Onehandwenttomypantiesastheothergraspedthe

hardlengthofhiscock.

Pullingmypantiestotheside,Ilinedtheheadofhis

cockupwithmyentranceandwaited.

Michaeldidn’tdisappoint.

Asheswitchedbreasts,pullingdowntheothercup

withhisteethandnippingthetipofmynipplewithhis,he
surgedinsideofme.

Mypussyconvulsedasittriedtoadjusttohissize,but

hedidn’tgivemetime.

Oncefullyseatedinside,hepulledslowlybackout

beforesinkingbackinsideofmeroughly.

Ibitmylipandmovedmyhandsuptothesideofhis

head,watchingasheletthetipofhistonguecirclethe
diameterofmynipple.

Hestartedthrustinginandoutofme,fillingmetothe

pointofpain,beforeheretreatedonceagain.

Hangerssnappedandshirtsfellallaroundusashis

hipspoweredintome,hiscockkissingtheentrancetomy
wombwitheachthrust.

“Please,”Isaid,needingmore.

Iopenedmyeyeswhenhestopped,andmyeyes

widenedwhenhepulledoutcompletelyanddroppedus
downtoourknees.

Iturnedaroundasheurgedmyhipstotheside,

presentinghimwithmyass.

MyhandswererestingonmypileofshoesasIlooked

overmyshoulderandwatchedhimpullmypantiesdown
overmyhips.

Mypussyclenchedwithneedatthelookonhisfaceas

hedevouredthesightofmycore.

Icouldguesswhathesaw.

Mypussylipsredandpuffy.Myentranceleakingwith

needasitbeggedhimtofillmeonceagain.Mypanties
downaroundmykneeswherehe’dhastilyyankedthem.
Myassroundandfull.

Iwiggledmyhipsandpressedbackslightlyashe

continuedtolookfortoolong.

“Michael,”Iwhispered.“Please.”

Mypussyclenchedwhenhelookedup,myeyes

catchinghis.

Theywereonfire.

Thebluesnearlycompletelyblackashispupils

dilated.

Hemovedforwardonhiskneesuntilhiscockmetmy

entrance,andunhurriedlyhesankinside.

Imoanedanddroppedtomyelbowsashepushedhis

hipsforwarduntileverylastbitofhimwasburiedinmy
channel.

Thispositionallowedhimtosinkdeeperinsideofme,

andIswearIcouldfeelhiminmybellyeachtimehefilled
me.

Histhumbbrushedoverthepuckerofmyasshole,andI

practicallycamewithjustthesingletabootouch.

Iclencheddownsohardonhimthatheletouta

strangledgroan,andfinallylostthecontrolhe’dbeen
tryingdesperatelytoholdonto.

Iscreamedwhenhepulledoutandthrustintomeso

hardthatmykneesleftthecarpetedfloor.

Notinpain,though.

Inpleasure.

“Yes!”Ikeened,pushingbackwithmyownhipsto

meethispowerfulthrusts.

Hegrowledatthewaymypussyclencheddownonhis

cockandgavemeasmallsmackontheasswhenItriedto
reachbetweenmylegstohelpmyorgasmalong.

“No,”hesaidsharply.“That’smine.”

Ididn’tbothertoarguewithwhatwashis.

Irememberedhowhelikedit.

It’dbeenaverylongtimesinceI’dlasthadhiscock,

butIknewheonlywantedmypleasuretocomefromhim.

Hewantedtoberesponsibleforbringingmeto

orgasm.

HewantedtomakemecomesohardthatIscreamedso

loudIarousedtheneighbors.

MyhanddroppedandIletthesideofmyfacerest

alongthelengthofoneofmyhouseslippersashepounded
insideofme.

Myorgasmwasjustaroundthecorner,andhecould

feelit.

“Come,”heordered.

Ilaughed.“Youcan’tjusttellmetocome.Youhave

tomakeme.”

Sohedid.

Byinsertinghisthumbintomyass.

Ishotofflikeafreakin’bottlerocket,surgingsohigh

andfarintooblivionthatIcouldn’tseemywayhome
again.

Distantly,Iwasawareofhimpullingoutofmeand

roughlyfistinghiscockagainstmybackasheshothis
comedownthelengthofmyback,butIwastoobusy
comingtowonderwhy.

Histhumbtwistedinsideofmeandmyorgasm,which

I’dthoughthadbeenonthedownhillslide,startedtomove
forwardagain.

BythetimeIwasbackinmyownskin,Iwasina

bonelessheapwhereI’dcollapsed,shoesdiggingintomy
uppertorsoandnotonesinglecareinsight.

“Ithinkyoubrokeme,”Itoldhim,feelinghim

withdrawhisthumb.

Hesnortedashestood,andIwatchedashedrughis

pantsthatwerestillaroundhisankles,backuphislegsand
overhiships.

Hezippedthem,butdidn’tbuttonthemashewalked

away,leavingmeinmyindecentpositioninapileof
sexualhaze.

Hecamebackshortmomentslaterwithawashcloth,

andstartedcleaningmybackfreeofhisrelease.

Oncedone,heshovedhishandunderneathmyhipsand

liftedmeupandback.

Whenmybackmethisfront,Ileanedmyheadtothe

side,exposingmyneckforhisseekingmouth.

“ThankGodyou’reonthepill,”hesaidinhisgravelly

voice.

Iloopedmyarmaroundhisneck.

“HowdoyouknowI’monthem?”Iaskedcuriously.

Iwasn’tsurprisedthatheknewIstillwas.

HewasacopforGod’ssake.

Ifhewasn’tobservantandsmart,hewouldn’tmakea

goodcop.

AndtherewasonethingIknewofforsure,Michael

wasadamnfinecop.

“BecauseIsawtheminyourpurselastnightwhenyou

werehandingyourphonetoAlison,”heexplained.“Just
remembertotakethem,becauseafterfuckingyoubarelike
this,I’mfairlysureI’llneverbeabletodoitagainwitha
condom.”

Hisadmissionmademesmilewidely.

ThenmysmilediedasIheardmyphoneringingfrom

thekitchen.

“Shit,”Isaid,standingupandyankingmypantiesupas

well.

ThenewpositionplacedMichael’sfacerightateye

levelwithmyass,andhetookfulladvantageofitasI
lookeddownatthemesswe’dmadeofmycloset.

“Shit,”Isaid,bendingdowntolookthroughthemess.

Ifoundashirt,followedbyapairofpants,andthrew

themon,allthewhileMichaelmassagedmyassandinner
thighs,workingmeintoanothertizzybeforeIrealizedit.

“Michael,”Isaidpleadingly.“I’malreadylate.

Please.”

Hegrowledinfrustrationashesaid,“Ihavetogetto

workshortlytoo.Goddammit.”

Ismiledasheletmyhipsgoandstood,butonlyto

replacehisfingerswithhiscock.

Hegroundhishipsintome.

Iwasthankfulthathewasstillwearingpants,because

hadhebeennaked,I’dprobablybeaskinghimtofillme
onceagain.

“Michael,”Ipleadedonceagain.

Hesighedandsteppedback.

Immediately,Imissedhisbodyheat,butIhadajoband

commitments.

“Thankyou,”Itoldhim,turningaroundasIsettledthe

shirtontomybody.

Hesmiled.

“Anythingforyou,”hesaidpainfully,rearranginghis

cockinhispantsashebuttonedandbuckledhisbelt.

AsmilecurvedthesidesofmylipsasIwalkedintothe

bathroomtoinspectmyface.

WhereIthendecidedthatthe‘justfucked’looklooked

goodonme.

Anditwouldn’thurttoallowJoslintoseejustwhat

shewasmissing.

“Ready?”MichaelaskedonceIexitedthebathroom.

AtmynodheledmeintothekitchenwhereIgrabbed

mybagandheadedoutthedoor.

***

Thirtyminuteslater,withMichael’sessencestill

leakingoutofme,Iranintowork,throwingakissovermy
shoulderatMichaelasIspedinside.

Hecaughtitandwaved,makingmesmile.

I’daskedhimtowaitformetomakesureIstillhada

job,andhegavemean‘okay’signasheleanedbackinhis
seatandfinishedprogrammingmynumberintohisphone.

Istillcan’tbelieveheeverlistenedtome.

Hell,itseemedsurreal…allofit.

JustafewdaysagoIwasputteringalong,tryingtostay

afloatwithclasses,work,andstudying.

NowhereIwas,blowingoffstudytimesoIcouldgo

onadatewithamanIneverthoughtI’dhaveachancewith
again.

“Good,you’reback!”Lennoxcooed,rubbingherhands

togetherinexcitement.“Therewasalotofexcitementhere
anhourorsoago.Copswereeverywhere,andthenthere
wasthisman,Michael,Idon’tknowifyou’vemethimbut
hehasbrownhairandblueeyes.Hewasyellingat
someoneabouthistruckbeingstolen.Thenheforcedthe
securityguytogothroughthecamerafeed,butthefeed
wasdownbecausethesecurityguardspilledcoffeeonthe
hardwarelastweekandcompletelyfriedthewhole

system.”

Iblushed.“Didtheyfindoutwhostolethecar?”I

askedinnocently.

Lennoxshookherhead.“No.Theydidn’t,oratleast

wedidn’tseewhoitwas.Theyranoutofhereliketheir
asseswereonfireearlierwhentheygotsomecallabouta
BOLO,whichIlaterlearnedwasa‘beonthelookout’,
andwehaven’theardanythingsince.”

Whew!

Thatwould’vebeenbadtohavethehospitalknow

whatI’ddone.

Iwasalreadyonshakygroundasitwas!

“Well,thatsucks,”Imanagedtosaylightlywhile

squirtingalargedollopofantibacterialsoapintomy
hands.“YouheardwhyIhadtoleave?”

LennoxnoddedandwebothlookedtowhereJoslin

wasstandingacrosstheroom.

ShewaswithanewinternthatI’dnevermetbefore,

leaningintohimandpattinghisarmwhilefakelaughing.

Godthatwomanwassuchahoe!

AndIstillhadn’tforgivenMichaelfortouchingher

earlier.

Ididn’tgiveashitifthatwastheonlywaytogether

unsettled.Heneededtofindadifferentway.

“Iwonderwhatherproblemis?Sheusuallyonly

reservesthatkindoftreatmentforthewomenwhotryto
stealherthunder,”Lennoxwondered.

“That’s‘causeJoslinisashowhoundthatlikestohave

alltheattentiononher,”Melissa,oneofmyfavorite
nurses,snarledasshethrewdownachartonthecounter
nexttomyhand.

“I’mdatingMichael,”ItoldLennoxbywayof

explanation,completelyignoringMelissa’spissedoff
mutterings.

ThenafountainofunderstandingwelledinLennox’s

eyes.

“Well,that’sgoingtobeinterestingforyou,”she

managedtosay.

“Youcansaythatagain.Thatwomanneedsthestick

that’slodgedupherassremoved,”Melissagrumbled.
“ShejusttoldBryanthatIwasflirtingwithapatient,and
thatIneededtolearntobemoreprofessional.
Motherfucker,butIwasjusttellinghimhehadcutekids!I
didn’tsayhehadacutecockoranything!”

Webothlookedatherinsurpriseatheroutburst.

“Thatwomanneedstogo,”Imuttered.“Surelythere

areenoughpeoplearoundthatcancomplainaboutherto

someoneshehasn’tfucked.”

Thethreeofusfellintoafitofgigglesatthethought.

Thereprobablywasn’tasingleman…ormarriedman

forthatmatter…intheentirehospitalthatshehadn’thad
someof.Whichwastheentireproblem.Forallofus.

Chapter8

Youtouchmytats,Itouchyourtits.

-T-shirt

Michael

Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.

ThesoundofmyGlockechoingoffthecavernous

wallsofthegunrangemademefeelatpeace.

AlmostasgoodasIfeltwhenIhadNikkiwrappedin

myarms,infact.

Shootingwasapeacefulfeeling.

Onethatletmeshutmyminddownandjusthavefun.

Ihadtologsomanyhoursinthegunrangeamonth

anyway,soitworkedoutwellthatIloveddoingit.

WhatIdidn’tlovewasthemanatmybackwhining

aboutthedirthewasgettingonhisclothes.

“Ididn’ttellyoutocome,”Igrumbledtomybrother.

“No,butyoudidn’treactlikeIthoughtyouwouldat

dinnerwhenwetoldyou.Iexpectedangerandyougaveus
nothing.Thenleft.Ijustwantedtomakesureyouwere
okaywiththis,”Deansaidstubbornly.

Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.

Placingthegunonthetableinfrontofme,Itookthe

magazineI’djustejectedfromthegunandstartedtoreload
it.

“Michael,areyouevenlisteningtome?”Deanasked

infrustration.

Iignoredhim.

Ididn’treallyknowwhathewantedmetosay.

I’dalreadytoldhimexactlywhatIthoughtaboutthe

matter:mostlythatIdidn’tcare.

Notonesinglebit.

AndherefusedtothinkthatIdidn’t.

Sowewereatanimpasse.

Ididn’tcare.

HecaredtoomuchthatIdidn’tcare.

“Michael!Focus!”Deanroared.

Islammedthemagazineintothegun,cockedit,andlet

offeightmoreshots,tryinghardasfucktoignorehim.

Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.Bang.

“Michael!Getoutofyourfuckingheadandtalktome!”

Deansnarled,yankingmyarmwiththeguninitaroundsoI
facedhim.

Iholsteredtheemptygunandexploded.

“Iamoutofmyfuckinghead,youmoron!I’mnotthat

fuckedupmessIwaswhenIwasfifteen.I’mnotever‘in
myhead’!Nowkeepyourfuckinghandsoffme,andfor
God’ssake,don’tyankaman’sarmwhenhehasagunin
hishand!”Iyelledback,gettingintohisface.

Deanstoodhisground.

Wewereboththesameheight.

Iwasbigger,butonlybecauseIliftedweights.

Deanwasinshape.Excellentshape.Buthewasn’t

me.

Sowhenheraisedbotharms,rearedback,andpushed

me,Ionlywentbackinches.

WhereaswhenIdidthesame,hefellflatonhisass.

“Whatthefuckdoyouwantfromme?”Isnarled,

lookingdownatDean.

Deanglaredandstoodup,brushingoffhisassandhis

‘brandnewsuit’hejustgot.

“WhatIwantispermission.Iwanttomakesurethis

won’tcauseanycontentionwhenshemarriesme,”he
insisted.

Isighedandraisedmyhandsuptomyface,lettingmy

fingerscurlintowhatlittlehairIhad.

“It’snotaboneofcontention,Dean.Idon’tloveher

andIhaven’tforsometime.Whenshecheatedonme,that
wasit.AnyandallloveIfeltforherwaswipedoffthe
faceoftheearth,”Isaidtiredly.

Inevershould’veletTorreshavemyshift.

Ishould’vetakentheovertimeandstayedatwork.

Thiswasbullshit.

I’dratherbedoinganythingbutthisrightnow.

He’druinedaperfectlygooddaywithhisinsistence

thatIwasn’t‘okay.’

Deanlookedstunned.“You’relying.Shetoldmeyou

wouldn’thaveakidwithher,that’swhyy’allgot
divorced.”

Ilaughedhumorlessly.

“Iwouldn’thaveakidwithher,that’strue.Butwhat

mademedivorceherwasn’tthatshewantedkids.Itwas
becauseshesleptwithaboutfifteenmenwhilewewere
married,andIonlyfoundoutbecauseshewassloppyand
letsomenewdoctorcallherathome.Heleftavoicemail
tellinghis‘girl’thathecouldn’tmakedinner,andthatthey
neededaraincheck.Whichgotmecurioussinceshewas
supposedtobeatworkatthetime,”Itoldhimhonestly.

Anddamnbutitfeltgoodtogetthatshitoffmychest!

I’dbeenholdingthatinsideforalongtimenow.

ItwashardtoletmyfamilythinkIwasthebadguyfor

notwantingkids.

Mymomresentedmeforthat,Icouldtell.ButIdidn’t

knowhowelsetonottellanybodywhathadhappened
withoutJoslinbeingshunnedfromthefamily,soIkeptmy
mouthshut.

“You’relying,”Deansaidwithoutvenom.

Icouldtellhebelievedme.

“Wanttheprivatedick’sfiles?I’vegotabouttwo

hundredphotosofithappeninginrealtime,too,”Ioffered.

Henarrowedhiseyes.“Whywouldyounottellus

this?Whyletusthinkbadlyofyou?”

Ismiledwithouthumor.

“MomlovesJoslin.AndJoslinhasnobodyelse.Iwas

justbeingnice,”Itoldhim.

Hesighed.“Goddammit.That’snotwhatIwantedto

hear.”

Ishrugged.“Sorryman.”

Helookedatmeforafewlongmomentsbeforehe

said,“Iloveher,man.”

Inodded.“Ifyouwanttobewithher,that’sgoodwith

me.Idon’tcare.Justbeawareofherfaults.AndIwon’t
tellyouItoldyouso.”

Heflippedmeoff.“Fuckoff.”

Ismiledandpattedhimlightlyontheback.“Nowget

thefuckoutofhereandletmeenjoytherestofmyday.”

Grudginglyheleft,andIcouldn’thelpbutsmileatthe

bigbrownstainonhisassfromwherehe’dfalleninthe
dirt.

Servedthefuckerrightforpesteringme.

Turningaround,Iloadedmygunonceagainandstarted

firingoffshotsatthepieceofpaperfloatingdownrange.

IwashavingadamngoodtimeuntilIgotacall,and

whatIheardmademystomachnearlydroptomyfeet.

***

“What’sgoingon,Luke?”Iaskedhimaswewalked,

sidebyside,downthehallwaytoourconferenceroom.

Lukeopenedthedoorandusheredmeinsideaheadof

him.

IcametoastopjustpasttheentrancewhenIwasfaced

withmultiplemeninsuits.

“What’sgoingon?”Iaskedagain.

LukewalkedpastmeandhadaseatnexttoChief

Rhodes,whoIwassurprisedtoseewasalsoin
attendance.

“Takeaseat,Perez.Wehavesomethingstodiscuss

withyou.Nothingyoudidwrong,though,sostoplooking
atmelikethat,”TheChiefgrumbled.

Smilingslightly,Iwalkedtothechairontheotherside

ofthechiefandtookaseat,leaningbackinmychairand
crossingmyarmsovermychest.

Thechiefpushedoverafilefolderthatwasnearlyan

inchthick,andItookthattomeanthathewantedmeto
openitandhavealook.

AndwhenIdid,IwishedI’datleastbracedmyself

first.

“Goddammit,chief.Fuckyou,”Isaid,pushingthefile

awayfrommeandclosingmyeyestocontrolmyurgeto
vomit.

“He’lldo,”themanIsatacrossfromsaid.

Hewasinhisearlyfiftiesandhadbrownhair

pepperedwithgraythroughout.

Hewasathinman,andprobablydidn’treachmuch

overfiveandahalffeettall.

Theothermanathissidewasburlywithblackhairand

adeeptan.Hewasinhismidtolatethirtieswithgreen
eyesandagoatee.

Iglaredatthetwoofthem.

“Whatthefuckisgoingon?”Igrowled.

Ihatedfuckinggames.

Justtellmewhatthefuckisgoingonalready.

“ThisisSpecialAgentTroyPalmer,andthis,”The

Chiefsaid,indicatingtheblackman.“IsSpecialAgent
DaneElliott.They’reheretospeakwithyouabouttheCox
case.”

TheCoxCasewasthemurdersuicideI’dfirst

respondedto.

“Yeah,so?”Iaskedtiredly.

Hell,wasItired.Iwaslivingoffofonlyhoursof

sleep,andIcouldreallyuseafewhoursofshuteyebefore

Ihadtodealwiththemandtheirshit.

Crime,however,didn’twaitforittobeconvenientfor

allthoseinvolved.

WhichAgentPalmerexplainedinthenextsecond.

“We’vediscoveredafewsimilaritiesinaboutten

murdersthroughouttheArk-La-Texinvolvingcopsand
theirpregnantwives,”AgentPalmersaidwithout
preamble.

Iblinked.“What?”

Hepushedthefilebacktome,andIlookeddownatit,

onlynowrealizingwhatI’dthoughtwasthemurderI’d
walkedinonjusttwodayspriorwasn’ttheoneI’dthought
itwas.

Itwasadifferentone.

“Holyshit,”Isaid,surprised.“Aretheyallpositioned

thisway?”

Itwasnearlyidentical.

Theonlythingdifferentwasthecolorofthetilefloor

theywerelayingon.

“Wehavereasontobelievethatyoumighthaveseen

themanwhodidthisonyourwaytothescene.We’vehad
threewitnessessayingtheysawamanwalkinghisdog
downthestreetjustdowntheroadfromthecrimescene.

Blackhoodie.Blackjeans.Blackdog.”

IthoughtbacktothedayI’ddriventothecrimescene.

Rememberedpassingthemobilehomeparksign,then

seeingablackdogofftothesideoftheroadthatIpassed.

Irememberedthinkingthattheownerneededtogetthe

dogthefuckoutofthewaywhenheheardlightsandsirens
blaring.

“Yeah,Isawhim,”Iconfirmed,thinkingbacktothe

maninquestion.“Blackhoodie.Blackpants.Redshoe
stringsintheshoes.Doghadaredcollarwithblack
letteringonit.Blacklab.”

AgentElliotttooknotesonhispadofpaperasIspoke.

Theotheronejustwatchedmeclosely.

“Anycarsinthearea?”heasked.

Ishookmyhead.“Actually,no.Ipassedfourhouses

beforeIgottotheirsandhadn’tseenasingleone.The
couplehadtwocarsinthedrivewayaswellasaredmid-
sizedsedanbelongingtotheelderlycouple.Ididpassan
abandonedcarwithhazardlightsonpointinginthe
oppositedirectionI’dbeengoing,butIalsosawaman
walkingawayfromthecarinawhitet-shirtandkhaki
pants.”

Theagentnodded.“Good.Thanks.”

“Wehavereasontobelievethattheman’sapracticing

doctorinthearea.Oranurse.Oramidwife.Possiblya
registraratthehospital.Eachwomanthat’sbeenkilled,
theironlyconnection,isthembeinginthesamedoctor’s
officethatpracticesintheArk-La-Tex.It’salargeonethat
hasovereightofficesandsevendoctorsservingit.Only
fourofthedoctorstraveloverthestateline,andwe’ve
madeanoteofthosefourinthischart,”AgentPalmersaid,
slidingthethreeofusastackofpapers.

Iscannedthenamesonthelistaswellasthepictures.

Ididn’trecognizeanyofthem.

“Sowhatdoyouneedfromus?”ChiefRhodesasked

bluntly.

Theybothshooktheirhead,butPalmerwastheoneto

answer.

“Nothing.Notyetanyway.We’vealreadybeenprivyto

thereports,photos,andcrimescenedata.Wejustaskthat,
ifyouencounteranotheroneofthese,youcallus.We’ve
beenworkingthiscaseforalittleovertwoyearsnow,and
sofarwehavejustasmuchnowaswedidthen.Abunch
ofnothing,”hesaidsimply.

Ilookeddownatthepapersinfrontofme,recording

thefacesofallthefourdoctorsintomymemorybankso
I’dhaveitlaterifIhadneedofit.

“Asforwhyyou’rehere,OfficerPerez,it’sjustsothat

wecancongratulateyouforsavingthatchild.He’sourfirst
survivor,andIneverwishedmorethatababycouldtalk
thanIdorightnow,”hesaiddejectedly.

Icompletelyagreed.

I’dwishedthesamething.

Ididn’tknowwhatkindofheartlesspersoncould

shootaninnocentbabylikethat,butwhomeveritwas
neededasingleshottotheheartashisfinalcoupdegrâce.

“Soisitacoincidencethatallthesemenarecops?”

ChiefRhodesaskedashelookedthroughhisownfolder.

IflippedtothepagebehindtheoneI’dstoppedlooking

atandsawwhathewastalkingabout.

LongviewPolice.KilgorePolice.ShreveportPolice.

GunBarrelPolice.GilmerPolice.BossierCityPolice.
BentonPolice.TylerPolice.WaskomPolice.Hallsville
Police.

“Whatthefuck?”Iexhaled.

Notonlydidtheykillpregnantwomenandbabies,but

thefuckerwasacopkilleraswell.

“Soyouhavenothing,iswhatI’munderstanding?”I

askedcarefully.

Thetwoofthemnodded.“Nada.”

Ilinkedmyfingerstogether,andsteepledthemwhile

tappingthefirsttwotogether.

Iwasafidgeter.

Likemajor.

Icouldn’tsitstillforanything,somethingI’dlearnedto

livewith.

Itdrovemyfriendsandfamilynuts.Itwaswhatit

was,though.NothingIcoulddotochangethat.

“Ihaveacoupleofpeoplethatmightbeabletohelp

us,andLuke’sbrotherinlawisapartofTheDixie
WardensMC.They’reinthetownofBenton,Louisiana.
Oneofthecitiesyounamed.Hecantalktothemandsee
whathecandigup.Icandothesamethroughmy
resources.Gofromthere,”Ioffered.

Bothmenlookedatme,movedtheireyestoLuke,then

settledthemonChiefRhodes.

“Youvouchedforthem.Ifthisgetsleakedtothepress,

there’llbeapublicoutrage.Youunderstandthat,right?”
AgentPalmerconfirmed.

AgentRhodesnodded.“Myboyswouldn’tgivethis

kindofinformationtojustanyone.Itrustthemimplicitly.”

Finally,thetwonoddedandstoodtoleave.“Keepus

informed,andwe’lldothesame.”

Withthattheyleft,andthethreeofussattheresilently

forafewlongmoments.

“Ifthisgetsout,I’llkickbothofyourasses,”TheChief

rumbled.

Ismileddownatmyhandsbeforestanding.“I’llgetit

doneonmypart.Luke,yougonnatalktotheWardens?”

Lukenoddedandstood,pullingouthisphone.“Yeah,I

gotit.”

Withthat,weallsplitup,meheadingtoFree,andLuke

headingtoLouisiana.

Itwasgoingtobealongrestoftheday.

Chapter9

Dearteenagers,complainingaboutlifeis

likeatoddlercomplainingaboutnaptime.

You’veonlyseenthetipofthemonster’s

dick.Justfuckingwait!

-Michael’ssecretthoughts

Michael

“GetupoffthefloororI’llmakeyougetup,”I

growledatthestupidteenagerwho’dtriedtoboostmy
truck.

I’dhadthatbastardstolentwice,ornearly,inthesame

fuckin’day,andthistimeIwasnotamused.

“Ididn’tdoanything!”Theboyyelled,refusingto

move.

Withnootheroptions,Imovedtheboymyself,all

underthecrowd’swatchfuleyesastheywatchedtheentire
thingtakeplace.

RollinghimoverontohisbackIstareddownathimin

contempt.

“Whatdidyouthinkyouweregoingtodo?Howfar

didyouthinkyoucouldget?Younearlystoleapolice
officer’struck,”Ihissed.“NottomentionIhaveGPSonit
thatIcould’veactivated.Thenthere’sthefactthatevery

copinthecitywouldbelookingforyoubecauseyoudon’t
stealsomethingfromacopwithoutconsequences.You’d
haveeverysinglecopinthestatelookingforyour
dumbass.Notgetthefuckupoffthegroundandgositon
thefuckin’benchlikeIaskedyou.”

Hedid.

Reluctantly.

Veryreluctantly.

Theboywasfifteen,atmost,withanattitudethatsaid

heusuallygotwhateverthefuckhewanted.

Wellnotfuckingtoday.

I’dwalkedintotheconveniencestoretogetmyreceipt,

butdecidedthatIcoulduseaGatoradewhileIwasin
there.

WhenIturnedthecornerofthesnackaisle,Icame

uponthefifteenyearoldshovingcandybarsdownhis
pants.

Hewasn’tevenbeingconspicuousaboutit.

Theyweresofullalreadythatyoucouldseethelarge

bulge,aswellastheorangewrappersstickingoutthetop
ofhispocket.

Thenheran.

Ihadtogiveittotheboy,hewasquick.

He’dmadeitpastmeandintotheparkinglotbefore

I’devenpushedoutthedoortowardhim.

Luckyforme,andunluckyforhim,I’dcaughthimatmy

truck.

Allhe’dseenwasatruckrunningwiththewindows

down.

Sadly,Istillhadthekeysinmyhandandhadturnedthe

truckoffbeforehecouldevengetitintodrive.

He’dlookedatmelikeIwasthegrimreaper,ashe

shouldsincehe’dbeensittinginmytruck.

Thenhetriedtobailouttheotherside’swindow,but

onlymanagedtofallonhisface.

“Why’dyoustealthose?”Iasked,gesturingtothepile

ofcandybarsandbottleofmilkthatwasinapileathis
feet.

Heshrugged.

“What’syourname?”Iasked.

Acruiser’schirp-chirpofthesirengoingonandoff

quicklyhadmelookingupasMiller,anothermemberof
theSWATteam,pulledup.

Hesteppedoutofthecruiserandmovedhisglassesup

tothetopofhishead.

“Saint,”Millersaid,noddinghishead.

Inoddedback,choosingnottocallhimontheuseof

thenicknamethatIhated.

Iwasnotasaint.

Farfromit,infact.

Nowwasn’tthetimeorplaceforit,though.

“What’chagot,Saint?”Millerasked,takinginthe

scene.

“Fifteenorsixteenyearoldmalestealingcandyfrom

the7-11.Icaughthimredhanded,andheran.Triedtoget
awayfastbytakingmytruck,buthedidn’tmakeitfar.And
herewearenow.Hewasjustabouttotellushisname,”I
explainedlightly.

Millernodded.“What’syourname,boy?”

TheboyglaredatMillerwithalltheheatandvenoma

fifteenyearoldcouldmuster.

Icould’vetoldhimthathewaswastinghistime,but

teenagersdidn’tseemtohavethatcomprehensionwhen
theyweremad.

Whentheboyrefused,Ishruggedandtoldhimtostand.

Hedidn’t.

“Youknow,thiscangooneoftwoways.One,”Isaid

holdingupafinger.“Youcanjustcooperate.Standup,tell
usyourname,letuscheckyou,andwe’llgetyoubooked

downtown.Ortwo,youcanrefusetodoallofthosethings,
wecanforceyoutodothem,andyoustillgodowntown.”

Theboyglaredatme,andthenmovedhisgazetoacar

atthefarcorneroftheparkinglot.

Followinghisgaze,InarrowedmyeyeswhenIsaw

whathewaslookingat.

“Who’sinthatcar?”Iasked,glancingbackattheboy.

Heclosedhislipstightly,thenlookeddownathisfeet.

AsharedglancewithMillerhadmewalkingoverthe

pileofcandybarsandmilktothecarthatwasparked
underneaththe7-11sign.

ThecloserIgot,themoreworriedIbecame.

BecauseIcouldseeacarseatinthecar.

Twocarseats.

Holyshit.

Iopenedthedoorwithsuddenlyshakinghands,scared

todeathatwhatI’dfind.

I’dseensomebadshitinmytime,butthemomentI

openedthatdoor,Iknewnothingcouldbeworse.

Twostarvingchildrenlookedupatmefromhollowed

eyes.

Neitherwascrying,andneitherlookedparticularly

scaredofme.

Interested.Hopeful,maybe.Scared?No.

“Miller,”Icalledloudly.“Puthiminyourcarandget

overhere.”

Millertossedalookoverhisshoulderatme.Istepped

backtoallowhimtoseetheclosestcarseat,andhiseyes
widened.

Hismouthdroppedopenandheturnedbacktothekid

thatlookeddefeated.

NowIunderstoodwhyhe’dstolenthecandybars.

Andthemilk.

Ihadnodoubtinmymindnowastothecharacterof

thekid.

Desperationmakesamandofunnythings.

Ipickedupthesmallerbabyfirst.

Shefeltextremelytinyinmyhands.

SotinyIcouldn’tevengaugehowoldshewas.

MillerjoinedmeassoonasIfitthebabyintothecrook

ofmyarm,sidlinguptomyside.

“Whatthefuck?”Heaskedindenialatwhathewas

seeing.

Inodded.“Yeah.”

Itwasmorethanobviousthatthechildrenhadn’tbeen

wellcaredfor.

Theirclothesweredirty.

Thecaritselfsmelledhorrid.

Thelittleboyinthecarseatlookedatthetwoofus

withasmile,butthatsmiledidn’tmeethiseyes.

Thedeepcirclesunderhiseyes,aswellasthe

hollownesstothem,showedthathewasanythingbut
healthy.

“Gettheotherone,”Iordered.

Millercircledaroundthecarandpickeduptheboy

fromhiscarseat.

TheboywrappedhisskinnyfingersaroundMiller’s

miccord,andsmiledsobrightlythatithurtmyheart.

ThelittlegirlinmyarmscooedandIlookeddownin

awe.

Asapoliceofficer,therearetimesthatyou’renot

goingtoexperiencenicethings.

Althoughthiswasn’ttheidealsituation,theywereboth

alive,andhadafightingchancethattheydidn’thave
before.

SomethingIcountedasacheckinmywincolumn.

IfeltlikeIwascarryingairasIwalkedbacktothe

policecruiser.

Millerdidn’tlooklikehewascarryingmuchmoreas

hegotonthemic.

“I’llneedabushere.Gottwobabiesinneedofsome

medicalattention,”hesaidquietly,smilingdownatthe
littleboywhomadeagrabforhismic.

Theboylookedscaredshitlessthecloserwegotto

Miller’scruiser,andbythetimeIopenedthedoortothe
cruiserhelookedlikehewasaboutreadytobailout.
Straightthroughtheglasswindow.

“Alrightson,”Isaid,droppingdowntomyknees

besidehim.“Tellmewhat’sgoingon.”

Helookedsortofgreen,butitwasthenthatInoticed

thathisheartwasinhiseyesashelookedatthechildren.

“They’remine,”hecroaked.

Iblinked.“They’reyours?”

Henodded.

“Yeah,”herasped.

“Howoldareyou?”Iasked.

Heswallowed.“Fourteen.Fifteenintwomonths.”

Myheartstartedtorace.

“They’reyours,”Istatedforclarification.

Henoddedagain.

“Yeah,”heconfirmed.

IlookedupatMiller,thenbackattheboy.

“What’syourname?”Iaskedsoftly.

Helookeddownathishands.

“Madden,”hesaidquietly.

“Madden,you’renotevenoldenoughtobeonyour

ownyet.Howdoyouhavetwokids?Andwhyareyouon
yourown?Where’sthebaby’smother?”Icontinued.

Hebithislip,andlookedupatmewitheyesthatwere

shiningwithtears.

“Istolethemfromher.Shewasn’ttakingcareofthem,”

hecried.“Notliketheyneededtobetakencareof.”

Irefrainedfromsayingthathewasn’tdoingtoogood

ofajobeither,andnoddedmyhead.“Who’sthemother?”

“She’s…she’smystepmother.AndIstolethemaway

fromherwhileherandmyfatherwerehigh.Theywere…
doingstuffthatIdidn’tlike.Andshewassmokingaround
thebaby.Ididn’tlikethat.Ihadtogetthemout.Ihadto.
Theywould’vedied.Shewould’vekilledthem,”he
insistedpleadingly.“Shealreadysmokeanddrank
throughoutherpregnancies.Shedidn’tevengotothe
hospitaltohavethem!”

Ilookeddownatthebabyinmyarms,sawthe

frailnesstoher,andstartedtogetmad.

Notathim,no.

Butatthesituation.

“Whendidyoutakethem?”Iaskedsoftly.

Hebithislip.“Lastnight.”

Jesus,sothiswashowtheywerefromher,nothim.

“Alright,Madden.Howaboutyoucometakearideon

themedicwithyourkids.Fromtherewe’llfigurethisout,
okay?”

Henodded,wipinghiseyeswiththebackofhishands.

“Thankyou,”hecroaked,voicecrackinglikeall

adolescentboysdoatthatage.

Jesus,thiswasonesick,fuckedupsituation.

FuckedUp.WithacapitalFandU.

Chapter10

Mybrotherhasthebestsisterever.

-CoffeeCup

Nikki

“Gogetyournewspaper!”Isaidhurriedlythemoment

IpoundedthroughNico’sbackdoor.

Nicoglaredatme,stillholdingthedooropen.

Georgia,beingGeorgia,didwhatIaskedandrantothe
frontwalktogetthenewspaper.

“Whydidn’tyoujustgetthenewspaperontheway

in?”Nicoasked.

Hishairwasafreakin’mess.

“Thetwinskeepyouupallnight?”Iaskedcheekily.

Heglared.

“Maybeyoushouldtakethemforanight.Givemea

littlebreak,”hemuttered.

Iblinked.“I’veofferednolessthanthirtytimessince

theywereborn.I’dlovetowatchthem.You’donlyhave
toconvinceyourselftoletthemgo.”

Mybrotherwasattachedtohisfamily.

Nomatterthebitchin’hedid,herefusedtoletthe

twins,orGeorgia,outofhissight.

Afewyearsago,beforehe’dreconnectedwith

Georgia,he’dgottenintoaspotoftroublewithamafia
boss.

SomuchtroublethattosaveGeorgia,he’dfakedhis

deathwiththehelpoftheCIAandtheTexasRangers.
Whilehewas‘dead,’he’dcontinuedtosearchfortheman
responsibleforputtinghislifeandGeorgia’sinjeopardy,
finallyfindinghimaroundthetimethetwinswereborn.

Georgia,though,aswellastherestofourfamily,

hadn’tbeenabletogetoverthefactthathe’d‘died.’

Westillhadnightmares.

GeorgiaandIspokeaboutthatquiteabit.

Nicowasn’twithouthisownnightmares,either.

Althoughwealltalkedagoodgame,theentireleaving

thingwashardonusall,somethingthatshowedwiththe
wayNicoclungtohiskidsandwifeandrefusedtoletthem
gettoofaroutofhisreach.

“Oh,myGod!Saint’sonthefrontpage!”Georgia

squealedinexcitement,jumpingupanddowninher
nightgown.

Ijumpedtoo,clappingmyhands.

“Isn’tthatthecutestthingever?”Iaskedinexcitement.

Georgialaughedandspreadherpaperoutonthetable.

Nicoleanedforwardtostudythepicture.

“Nice,”hesaid,laughing.

Michael,theultimate‘I’mnotcutouttobeafather,’

wasonhisassonthebackofthecopcarholdingthetiniest
ofbabiesinhisarms.

Thebabydidn’tevenlooktobeamonthold,atmost.

Hewasgazingdownatthelittlegirlholdingapacifier

inhermouth.

Hiseyesweregazingatthesmallbundle,lookingfor

allhewasworthlikeadevotedfather.

SomethingIknewhe’dbeifheevergavelifeachance.

“Wasthisnotsomethingyoucould’vecalledfor?”

Nicoaskedafterhereadthestory.

Ishrugged.“SureIcouldhave.ButthenIcouldn’t

annoytheshitoutofyoulikeI’mdoingrightnow.”

Heloweredhiseyesintoaglare,andIploppeddown

intohislap.

Hegruntedasmyweighthithim.

“Jesus,Ithinkyou’vegainedweight,”Nicoteased.

Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisfatneck,althoughit

wasn’treallyfat,andsqueezedforallIwasworth.

“Ackk!”Hesaidasairescapedhislungs.

Ismileddownathim.

“Nowwhatwereyousaying?”Iaskedwitharaised

brow.

Hecurledhislipatme.

“Alright,Nik.Letmegetdressedandwe’llheadup

theretoseethesebabies,”Georgiasaidasshehustledout
oftheroom.

“Hey!”Nicosaid,standing.

Iheldonfordearlife,causinghimtocomedownwith

me.

Nicograppledforpurchase,butIsucceededinpulling

himdownwithmyunexpectedmoveofholdingonwhile
stillgoingdown.

Nicolandedbesidemewithagrunt,andIwrappedmy

armsaroundhisneckfrombehind,wrappinglightningand
thunder(mylegs)aroundhisuppertorsoandsqueezingthe
lifeoutofhim.

“God!You’resuchashit!”Nicogrowled,effectively

knockingthewindoutofmysailsbyrollingoverontohis
backandpinningmetothefloorwithhisbodyweight.

Ididn’tletthatstopmeforlong,though.

Instead,Ianchoredmyselfevenbetter,letgoofhis

neck,andstartedattackinghisarmpitswiththetipsofmy

fingers,tickinghimlikealunaticwhilehewrithedand
shookwithlaughterontheground.

“God!Stop!”Heyelledloudly.

Iwaslikeatick,though.

IstayedandstayeduntilIhadnostrengthlefttohold

on,then,likeanysmartwoman,Iran.

Likethewind.

Ipushedoffofhimwithinhumanstrengththat

resembledalumberingdonkey,andsprintedforNicoand
Georgia’sdoor.

Imadeit,too.

SlammeditrightinNico’sfaceandlockedthedoor

beforehecouldreachme.

ThenIpromptlyfellontheirbedthatwaslitteredwith

clothesandotherbabyparaphernalia,andcollapsedin
exhaustion.

“Y’allfightallthetime,”Georgiasaidfromthecloset.

Inodded.“Yeah,wedo.”

“Idon’tknowwhyy’allcan’tjustbenormalsiblings,”

shesaidobservantly.

Nicowastheonlyboywithsixgirls…itwasboundto

happen.

Iwasn’tabadsister.Iwasanormalsister!

“You’rejustjealousthatyourbrotherswon’tgiveyou

thetimeofday,”Iteased.

Iwaslying.

Georgia’sbrotherslovedthehelloutofher.

TheyjusthadadifferentrelationshipthanNico,my

sistersandIdid.

Itdidn’tmeanitwaswrongthattheytriedtobabyher.

Itwasunderstandable,really.

EspeciallyhowGeorgiaheldtheirfamilytogetherafter

thedeathoftheirtwoyoungestbrothers.

“Sowhat’sgoingon?Whydoyouwantmetogotothe

hospitalwithyou?”Georgiaasked.

Igaveheradrolllook.

“You’reasocialworker,Georgia.Whythehelldoyou

thinkIwantyouupthere?”Ilaughed.

SheflippedmeoffandtookahugestepoverherSaint

Bernard,Hamburger,thatwastakinguphalfthecloset.

“Youknowwe’renotjust‘assigned’thesethings.They

havetocometous.You’dhavemoreluckcallingin
Shiloh,”Georgiaexplained.

Georgiawasasocialworkerwithanadoptionagency

thatplacedchildrenintheirforeverhome.

Shiloh,James’wife,ontheotherhand,wasachild

protectiveservicesocialworkerwiththestateofTexas,
workinginGreggCounty.

WhichwaswhyI’dinvitedhertocomeaswell.

“Ialreadycalledher.We’repickingheruponthe

way,”Itoldher.

Georgiasmiled.

“Good,”shesaidsolemnly.“Tellmewhathappened?”

Isighed.

“FromwhatIgotfromMichael,aswellaswhatIgot

fromthehospitalyesterday,alothappened.Theboy,
who’salsothefatherofthetwochildren,isfourteen.His
step-motherrapedhimrepeatedlyovertheyears,andthen
gotpregnantwithhisbabies.Shethenhadsaidbabies,and
usedthemtokeeptheboyquietaboutitall.Thefatherwas
nonethewisertoitall,butbasicallythatwasbecausehe
washighoutofhismind,”Itoldher.“Afterthesecond
childwasbornathome,addictedtoGodknowswhat
drugs,andthentotallyfailedtobecaredfor,theboytookit
ashiscuetogetthehellout.Hestoletheircar,tookthe
kids,andhadbeenparkedinthatgasstationparkinglotfor
abouttwelvehoursbeforeMichaelcaughthimtryingto
stealcandyandmilkforthekids.”

Georgiastoppedandturnedhalfwaythroughthestory,

butbythetimeIwasfinishedrecountingit,tearswerein
hereyes,aswellasinmyeyes.

“Holycrap,thatpoorboy,”shesaid,voicedevastated.

Inodded.“That’swheretheSWATteamwaslastnight.

Doingaraidonthathouse.Thejudgewho’soverseeingthe
caseisthesonofamanthatabusedhim,sohewasn’t
tolerantathearingwhathappenedtoMadden.”

“Maddenisalsothenameoftheboysfather?”Georgia

clarified.

Inodded.“Yeah,that’shim.”

“What’dtheyfindattheraidlastnight?”Georgia

asked.

Nicocamethroughthedoor,shovingalockpickinto

hispocketashethrewthedooropened.

Hewalkedpastthebedandpushedmehardenough

thatIfellbackward,causingmetolaugh.

Heshotmean‘I’llgetyouback’look,andturnedto

hiswife.

“Ifyouwereinterestedinthat,whydidn’tyoujustask

yourhusband?”Nicoaskedcheekily.

Georgiasatdownonthebedbesidemeandslipped

hersocksonbeforeshovingherfeetintotennisshoes.

“ProbablybecauseI’mstillmadatyou,”shesaid,

tossinghimafakeglare.

Isnorted.

“ItoldyouIwastootiredtochangethatdiaper!I

didn’tstealyourhamburger,andIdidn’tpourhotsaucein
yourtea!Itwasafreakin’diaper!One!”Hesaid,raising
hishandsintheairforemphasis.

Rollingmyeyes,IgotupandtuggedGeorgia’shand.

“We’llbeback,brotherdear.Takecareofthebabies

andthediapers,untilwegetback,”Iordered.

Thenweleft,allundertheveryannoyedglareofNico.

“So,what’dtheyfind?”Georgiapickedupwherewe

leftoff.

Iclosedthefrontdoorbehindmeandwalkedwithher

tomycar.

Mybeautifulbaby.

ItwasaskyblueVolkswagenBeetleconvertible.

Georgiagotintothepassengerside,andIdroppedinto

thedriver’ssidebeforeItoldher.

“Alot,actually.Drugs.Enoughdrugsthattheythink

theyweredealers.Dirtyneedles.Cocaineandweed.
Horriblelivingconditions.Bothparentswerehighashell.
Neitheroneofthemevenknewthekidsweremissing-

that’showgonetheywere,”Itoldher,backingoutofthe
drivewayandturninglefttoheadtothehighway.

Georgiahummed.

Ilookedoverather.

“What?”Iasked,movingmyeyesbacktotheroadin

frontofme.

Atractorwastakingupthreequartersoftheroad,andI

contemplatedpassinghimontheshoulderwhenhefinally
movedover,allowingmetopass.

Andinallthattime,Georgiastayedsilent.

“What?”Iaskedagain.

“They’regoingtosplitthemup,Icanseeitnow,”she

saidsoftly.

Iwinced.

That’swhatIwasafraidof.

Maddenwasagoodkid,buthewasinnoway,shape,

orform,readytoraisetwokids,seeingashewasonlya
kidhimself.

“That’swhyI’mbringinginthebigguns,”Ireplied.

Shefrowned.

“I’lltry,honey.ButIcan’tpromiseasinglething,”she

explained.“Ican’tmakeanypromises.”

Inoddedinunderstanding.“Iknow.Ijustwantyouto

trythebestyoucan.WorkwithShiloh.Anythingisbetter
thanwhattheyhad.Ijustfeelsohorribleaboutthe
situation.”

ShepattedmyhandasIstoppedatthestoplightthat

wouldleadustothehospital.

“Andwhataboutthatotherlittleboy?How’she

doing?”Sheasked.

Ismiledhappily.

“Muchbetter,actually.Theysaidheopenedhiseyes

yesterday.IwasgoingtostopinandseeNathansinceI’ll
alreadybeupontheped’sfloor,”Iinformedher.“Butwe
havetobebackatyourhousebytwelvesoIcanmakemy
oneo’clockclass.Okay?”

Georgianodded.“Yeah,thatsoundsgood.ThenIcan

bethereintimeforNicotogotowork,andwewon’thave
tocallyourmomtowatchthekids.”

Iheldupmythumbina‘good’gesture,andopenedmy

cardoor.

Iblinkedatthecopcarsthatwerelinedupatthefront

entranceofthehospital.

“What’sgoingon?”Iaskedthewomanthatwas

standinginfrontofmyparkedcar.

Thewomanturnedandshrugged.“Idon’tknow.

They’renotlettinganybodyinorout.”

Pickingupmyphone,IcalledMichael.

“Hello?”Michaelanswered.

Hesoundeddistracted,butthatwasn’tgoingtostopme

fromgettinginside.

“Hey,”Isaid.“We’reoutsidetheERentranceand

there’reabunchofpeopleoutsidethedoors.What’sgoing
on?”

Heclearedhisthroat.

“Therewasanothermurder,”hesaidsoftly.“Giveme

afewminutestocomedownandI’llescortyouinside.”

Chapter11

Don’tmakefunofawomanwithbiglips.

She’sprobablythickandtiredofit.

-E-card

Michael

“Wherewasthisonefrom?”IaskedAgentPalmer

gruffly.

AgentPalmerofferedmeafilefolder,andIsteeled

myselfbeforeopeningtheoffendingfolder.

WhatIsawdidnotdisappoint.

“Goddammit,”Isaid,clearingmythroat.“Whyanother

onesofast?”

“Allofthesehavehappenedwithinthelastthree

weeks.Roughlyeverythreedays.Thisiscorrectwiththat
timeline,”headmittedsoftly.

“Wellthatwould’vebeennewsyoushould’veshared

yesterdayseeingasthishappenedtodayandhereIam
again,”Imuttered,staringatthesceneinfrontofme.

Iwasn’tadetective.

Ididn’thavethepatiencetobeone.

Beingadetectivetookdedication,timeIdidn’thave,

andseriouspatienceandperseverance.

Ihadthededicationandtheperseverance,butnotthe

othertwo.

WhichwaswhyitwasconfusingtomethatIwashere

atacrimescenelookingatthecarnagethatwasleft
behind.

Thereweren’tanybodiesleftbecausethosehadgone

tothehospitalthemomentthefirstrespondersarrived.

Theman,thekiller,hadfuckedup.

He’ddonetheminagoodneighborhood.

Thetypeofneighborhoodthat,iftheyweretohear

gunshots,thecopsarecalledalmostimmediately.

Firstrespondershadarrivedwithinminutes,andboth

thewomanandthemanthat’dbeenshothadbeenrushedto
thehospital.

Theyweren’texpectedtolive,althoughthelastIheard

theywerebothrushedtosurgery.

Therewasn’tmuchtheycoulddowhenthecouplewas

shotinthehead,buttheystillhadtotry.

“Whoisthisonewith?”Iasked,surveyingthescene.

“WolfgangAmselworkedforKarnackPolice

Department.Hiswife,AbbyAmsel,wasanaccountantfor
RoscoeandRushAccountingfirm.Abbywaseightanda

halfmonthspregnantwithherfirstchild,”AgentPalmer
informedme.

Inodded.

Thenamesoundedsofamiliar,butIcouldn’tplacethe

namewithaface.

“Whatdoctor’sofficedothesewomengoto?”Iasked,

thethoughtsuddenlyoccurringtome.

“TheWomen’sCenterofEastTexasforthisone.The

othersarevariousonesoftheArk-La-Tex,”hesaid.“But
alloftheirsystemsinterconnectsincethedoctorsfloat
throughouttheoffices.”

Iturnedmyheadtolooktothekitchencounter.

Onthecounterwastheofficer’sserviceweapon,

badge,andvariousaccessoriesheworeonhisutilitybelt,
carkeys,andhisphone.

Butthethingthatdrewmyeyewasthebadge.

Whenalawenforcementofficerhasfallen,there’sa

traditionthatotherofficerswearathinlineofblueover
theirbadgestocommemoratethefallenlife.

It’susuallyonlywornduringtheperiodofmourning,

butovertheyears,ithascometobeashowofrespectfor
alllawenforcementofficials,civiliansandpublicservants
alike.

“Youseethis?”IaskedPalmer.

Palmerlookedoverandpursedhislipsatthesight.

“Yeah.”

Thebadgehadtwostripsofblackducttapearranged

inanXacrossthebadge,asifhewassayinghetookcare
ofthatparticularofficer.

“Asshole,”Igrowledinanger.

“Iconcur,”Palmeragreed.

Thenathoughtoccurredtome.

“Didyoucheckthetapeforprints?”Iasked.

AgentPalmernodded.“Yeah.”

“Whataboutthebackofthetape?”Iasked.

Iwasn’tacrimescenetech,butthatwouldbeaplace

thatI’dlookforprints.

AgentPalmerpursedhislips.

“They’vealreadycollectedtheevidence,butI’lljust

takethattothetechsandseeiftheycanfindanything,”
Palmersaidashetookanevidencebagoutofhispocket,
thenusedthetipofhispenciltohookthebadgeanddropit
intothebag.

Oncezipped,hesaid,“That’swhyIwantedyouhere.I

noticedtheotherdayyouhadagoodeye.Nobodyelse
couldtellmemuchaboutthesuspect,butyoudid.”

Ishrugged,uncomfortablewiththeflattery.

Palmer’sphonerang,andhepulleditfromhispocket

beforeansweringitwithamuttered,“Yeah?”

“You’refuckingshittingme,”AgentPalmersaidin

surprise.“Nofuckingshit?Alright,we’llcomedown
now.”

Palmerwasalreadyheadedoutthedoor,andI

followedbehindhimquickly.

Theofficeratthedoor,whowasguardingthedoorfor

us,noddedaswepassed.

WhenPalmerhungupthephonehelookedatmewith

elationinhiseyes.

“Thecop,”hesaidnoddingtothehouse.“Madeit

throughsurgeryandistalking.Hewantstospeakwithus.”

Us?

Whywouldhewanttotalktome?

Ididn’tquestionit,however,onlygotintomytruckand

followedhimtothehospital.

Whenwearrived,theentirehospitalwasswarming

withcops.

Sincetheshootinghadtakenplace,everyoneandtheir

brotherwashere,reporterwise,whichmeantthatmy
fellowmeninbluehadtobeheretotakecareofcrowd

control.

“AreyouwiththeFBI?”Onereporteraskedaswe

startedpushingthroughthecrowd.

“Nocomment,”AgentPalmermuttereddarkly.

“AreyoutheofficerwhorespondedtotheBabyCop

Killer?”Anotherreporterasked.

Thatquestionwasdirectedatme.

ButIactedlikeIhadn’theard,andkeptpushing

throughrightalongwithPalmer.

AgentElliottmetusattheER’sdoorsandheldthe

dooropenwideaswecrossedthrough.

“Talktome,”PalmerorderedElliott.

Elliottstartedhurryingtotheelevatorsashespoke.

“He’sawake,firstandforemost.Hewokeupviciously

themomenttheanesthesiaworeoff,buthecan’tspeakper
se,”Elliottexplained.“Thebulletmissedhisbrain
completely.Apparently,atthelastmoment,Amseljerked
totheside.Thebulletpassedthroughthebaseofhisneck
andcameouthismouthjustperfectly.Helostafewteeth,
andhasaquiteabitoftissueandmuscledamageinhis
neck,buthe’sexpectedtomakeacompleterecovery.Had
totellhimthathiswifediedontheORtable.Thebaby
didn’tmakeiteither.”

Ishookmyhead.

Thatdidn’tsoundgood,evenwithhimsayinghewould

makeafullrecovery.

Hiswifewasdead.Hiskidwasdead.Hislifewas

foreverchanged.

Howcouldhe‘recover’fromthat?

IknewIcouldn’t.

IfIlostNikki,I’dbesofuckin’lostitwouldn’tbe

funny.

EventhoughIhadn’thadherthelastyearandahalf,I

stillknewshewasokay.

Amsel,though,didn’thavethatgift.

Hewouldforeverliveknowinghecouldn’tprotecthis

womanandchild.

ThenIberatedmyself.

Amselmaynothavethoseproblems.

IjustknewIwouldifoursituationshadbeenreversed.

IfitwasNikkicarryingmychild.

ThenIshivered.

Nikkiwouldn’tbecarryingmychild.

Nomatterhowmuchtheideaofitturnedmeon.

“Thisishim.Igothimapadofpapertowrite

everythingdown.Ialsohadthemfaxthecopiesofallthe
memberswhoworkforTheWomen’sCenter,”Elliottsaid,
shakinghishandthathadathickpileofpapersinit.

WhenImadetowaitoutside,Elliottjerkedhishead.

“Youtoo.Heaskedforyou.”

Mybrowsrose.“Me?”

Henodded.“Yeah,apparentlyheknowsyou.”

“HowwouldheknowI’mworkingonthiscaseatall?”

Iasked.

Hestoppedandturned.“Hewasthebestfriendof

DarrenCox.”

Mymindshutdown.

Motherfucker.

Thatguy.Themurderedfatherinthecrimescenethat

startedthiscaseforme.

“Holyshit,”Ibreathed.

Elliottnodded.“Yeah,needlesstosayhe’snotdoing

toogood.”

***

Anhourlater,withmoreinformationthanAgent

Palmerhadinmonthsovermultiplecases,wewalkedout
ofWolfgangAmsel’shospitalroom.

Westilldidn’thaveaname.

Wedid,however,haveahaircolor.

Black.

Whichseemedtobetheman’strend.

Amselhadexplainedthathe’djustgottenoffworkand

wasinthekitcheneatingthebreakfasthiswifehadjust
cookedforhimwhensomeonehadknockedatthedoor.

She’dgonetoanswerit,andhe’dlookedupwhenshe

startedbackingup.

He’dsaidthatheheard‘TurnaroundorI’llshoot

her!’

Hisserviceweaponhadbeenattheisland,halfaroom

awayfromhim,sohe’dturned.

Andwaspromptlyshotinthebackofthehead.

Helookedoverintimetoseehiswifegunneddown

momentslaterbyamanwithblackhair.

Thenhewasgone.

Andhewaslefttowatchashiswifefoughtforherlife.

Myphonerangwhenwemadeittothewaitingroom,

andIsmiledwhenIsawitwasNikki.

Alittlebitofhappyinabigbowlofohfuck.

“Hello?”Iansweredthephone.

“Hey,”shesaidworriedly.“We’reoutsidetheER

entranceandthere’reabunchofpeopleoutsidethedoors.
What’sgoingon?”

Iclearedmythroat.

“Therewasanothermurder,”Isaidsoftly.“Givemea

fewminutestocomedownandI’llescortyouinside.”

I’dknownshe’dbehere.

Shecouldn’thelpherself.

She’dbeenbytoseeNathanCoxmultipletimessince

he’dbeenthere.

AndwithwhatI’dtoldherlastnightaboutMaddenand

histwokids,Iknewshe’dbehereassoonasshecould.

I’dplantedthehinttocallShilohandGeorgia,though.

Maddendidn’tdeservethatlotinlife.

Hedeservedtoliveahappy,easylife.

Somethinghecouldn’tdoanymore.

Notwithtwokids.

Twokidshewasadamanthewasnotleaving.

Andhewasmostdefinitelynotgivingup.

Intheeyesofthelaw,achildissolelyyourchild,no

matterwhattheage.

Althoughitgotalittlehairywhenyoucouldn’ttake

careofyourchildren.

SomethingMaddencouldn’tdobyhimself.

Thebestwaytomakethishappenwastoplaceall

threewithinahomethatwaswillingtotakethemon.

AndthatwaswhereNikki,Shiloh,andGeorgiacame

in.

“Igottagoletmygirlin,”Itoldthetwomeninfrontof

me.“She’sstuckoutsidetheERwithashittonofcopsand
reporters.”

Theybothnodded.

“That’sfine.We’releavinganyway.We’llwalkdown

withyou,”Elliottsaid.

Nodding,Ihitthedownbutton,andtheelevatordoors

swungopen.

“Doyouthinkwhatyougottodaywillhelp?”Iasked

thetwoasthedoorsclosedandwestartedtodescend.

Elliottshrugged,butPalmernodded.“Ithinkso,yes.”

Ifeltarelievedbreathpourthroughme.

“That’sgood,”Itoldthem.“Reallygood.”

Anditwas.

Copsdidn’tdeservetohaveevenmorepeopleagainst

them.

Theydeservedunityandsupportfromthepublic,and

withallthecoprelatedshootingsgoingonlately,itwasn’t
lookinggoodforus.

“Youknowmynumber,”Isaidwhenthedoorsopened.

ThetwoofthemnoddedandexitedtheERwithme.

Onceoutside,theywentleft,andIwentstraightto

whereIcouldseeNikkiandthetwowomenathersides.

“Hey,”Isaid,pointingtowardsthegapinthesaw

horsesthepolicehaderected.

Theyallnoddedandstartedpushingthroughthelastof

thecrowduntiltheyarrivedatthegap.

WhenEstevezwould’vestoppedthem,Iputmyhand

onhisback.

“They’rewithme,”Iinformedhim.

Hewinked.“Gotcha.”

BothgirlscamearoundthebarrierandIpulledNikki

againstmysidewithmyarmaroundhershoulders.“Ineed

ahugthat’llturnintosex,”shewhisperedagainsttheskin
ofmyneck.Isqueezedhershoulderstightly,pullingher
evendeeperintome.Then,likeaboss,Isaid,“Icould
givethattoyou…ifyouwant.”

Chapter12

Hello,mynameisNikkiPena,andI’ma

liar.I’malsogoingtohell.

-Aliar’ssecretthoughts

Nikki

“Hello?”Michaelansweredhisphonewithalargebite

ofhamburgertakingupthemajorityofhismouth.

Michaelgrinned,andIcouldseechunksoffoodinhis

mouth,causingmetoturnawayindisgust.

Mystomachroiled,andIlookeddownatthebarely

eatenplateofnachosI’dorderedforlunch-onehundred
percentsurethatifItriedtoeatthemI’dbebarfinginno
time.

It’dbeenfourweekssinceallthebusinesswith

Maddenandhischildrenhadgonedown,andalittleover
fourweekssincelittleNathanCoxhadbeenadmittedto
thehospitalforagunshotwoundtohishead.

Allfourweredoingfine,andMaddenwaswithhis

childrenatatemporaryfosterhomeuntilwecouldfigure
outamorepermanentsituation.

Nathan,however,wasn’thome.

Althoughhewasdoingmuchbetter,hestillwasn’t

whereheneededtobetobeallowedreleasefromthe

hospital.

Thentherewasthemurdererouttherekillingcopsand

theirpregnantwives.

Thatwastheworst.

ThatpartwassoscarybecauseIworriedformy

friendsandfamily,sinceallofthemwerecops.

Nauseastartedtoslitherupthebackofmythroat,andI

hastilygrabbedmycupofteabeforetakingseveralsipsin
avainattempttokeepitdown.

“Itoldyoutobuyafourwheeldrive,”Michaelsaid,

takinganotherbiteofhissandwich.

Iclosedmyeyesasaballoffoodandstomachcontents

startedcomingupmythroat,andswallowedconvulsively
togetittogobackdown.

“Yeah,I’llbethereintwentyminutes,”Michaelsaid

withalaugh.“Don’tdigitdownanymore.I’llbethere.”

IopenedmyeyeswhenIfeltthetableclothmovefrom

himstandingup.

Iraisedanexpectantbrowathim,allthewhiletrying

nottoletonjusthowbadlyIfelt.

“Mysister’sstuckinherfrontyard.Ihavetogopull

herout.Doyouwanttogoorareyougoinghometo
study?”Heaskedhopefully.

Iimmediatelystartedtofeelbad.

AlthoughI’dspenttimewithhimoverthelastmonth,

I’venotspentmuchtimewithhim.

Weweretogether…justnottogether.Iwasthere

physically,justnotmentally.

I’dbeenstudyingformyfinalexamthatwould

hopefullyleadtomebeingacertifiedmid-wifeinthestate
ofTexas.

AtestthatIwastakingnextweekifallworkedoutas

planned.

Ihadbeenignoringhim,though,andIwasregretting

that.

Theonlytimeweactuallyspenttogether,withoutme

studying,waswhenIwaslayinginhisarmsatnight.

“I’llgo,”Isaidsoftly,standingup.

AwaveofexhaustionhitmethemomentIstoodandI

swayed.

Michaelcaughtmebytheelbowandasked,“Okay?”

Inodded.“I’mreallytired.”

Hisbrowsraised.

“That’s‘causeyou’vebeenstudyingintotheweehours

ofthenight,workingsomuchyougetovertiredandwaking
upatthecrackofdawnformorestudying,”headmonished,

helpingmearoundthetableandeasingmeintotheaisle.

Hedidn’tletgoofmyhanduntilIwasfullyensconced

inhistruck.

“Buckleup,baby,”hewhispered,runningtherough

palmofhishandupmythigh.

Ishiveredatthefamiliartouch,andmycorestartedto

clenchinanticipation.

“Okay,”Isaidquickly,pluggingmyseatbeltinand

squeezingmylegsshuttightlytocircumventtheneedthat
wasslowlystartingtocoursethroughme.

NauseacompletelyforgottennowthatIcouldonly

thinkabouthowhiscockwouldfeelinsidemy…Nikki!
Controlyourself!

Iwasawalkinghornymachine.

Atanygiventimeofthedayornight,Iwasreadytogo.

Sohorny,infact,thatInowmasturbatedintheshower

tothoughtsofMichaelwhenhewasn’ttheretotakecareof
me.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”Michaelasked,the

lookonhisfacecomicallyknowing.

“Nothing.”Imuttered,tryingmybesttomakethewhole

hornyfeelinggoaway.

Butitwasn’tofanyuse.

Itwastheretostay,andwouldbeuntileitherhe,orI,

tookcareofit.

Jesus,Iwasbecomingsuchaslutpuppy!

We’ddrivenabouttwomilesandwerejustturning

ontoadirtroadwhenhesuddenlypulledoffintoacorpse
oftrees,thetruckbouncingawkwardlyonthegrassand
gravelbeforeherockedtoastop.

“Michael!”Igasped.

ThenIwasbeingpulledacrosstheseat,draggedinto

hislapuntilIwasfacingthewindshield.

Icouldfeelthehardcolumnofhiscockdiggingintomy

ass,andIsquirmedinexcitement.

“Doyouknow,”hemurmuredagainstmyneck,“What

it’sliketoseeyoulikethis?”

Ishookmyheadandarchedmybodywhenhestarted

tomovehisfingersfrommyhips,upmyribcage,tocome
toastopatmydistendednipples.

NipplesthathadbecomesosensitivelatelythatIcould

barelybreathewhenhetouchedthem.

Eventheminutestoftoucheshadmesoaringin

seconds.

“N-no,”Isaid,gaspingforbreath.

Hegrowledagainstmyneck.

“Icanalwaystell,”hetoldme.“Icouldtelltwoyears

ago,andIcanstilltellnow.Youhaveatell,baby.”

Imoanedwhenhismouthmovedupthecolumnofmy

necktodiphistongueslightlyintomyearbeforelicking
aroundtheoutershell.

“Atell?”Iaskedbreathlessly.

Myeyesclosedashisotherhandwentdownuntilhe

reachedthehemofmyskirtandslowlystartedtoworkit
up.

Itwasn’tlongbeforemyasswasbared,andhenoticed

Iwasn’twearingpanties.

“Yourubyourlegstogetherandflipyourhairfrom

sidetoside.Yournipplesgethard,andyoureyesstartto
dilate,”heinformedme,movinghishanduntilhisfingers
zeroedinonmypussy.

Threefingerscoastedthroughthelipsofmysexand

immediatelyfoundpurchaseinsideme.

“Sowetforme,too,”hegrowled.

Inodded,liftingmyhandstoplaywithmyotherbreast.

“Yeah,allofit’sforyou,”Itoldhimhonestly.“AllI

canthinkaboutishavingyouinsideofme.”

Hechuckledagainstmyneck.“Doyouknowwhatit’s

liketohaveabonerinthesameroomasyourwoman’s

brother?It’snotfuckin’easy,andithappensallthetime
withallthedirtytextsyousendmedayinanddayout.”

Ilaughedbreathlessly.“Yeah,I’mreallysorryabout

that,”Ilied.

Hesnortedatmylie.“Yeah,I’msureyouare.”

Thenhishandswenttohisbeltbehindmyback,andI

felthisbeltbeingreleasedfromitsclasp,andhispants
pulleddownoverhiships.

Whenhiscockpoppedfreeofitsconfines,itrubbed

deliciouslyagainstthecheeksofmyassbeforehesaid,
“Situp.”

Inodded,liftingupuntilhecouldpositionhimselfat

myentrance.

Thenhepulledmedown,fillingmesoswiftlyand

quicklythatIimmediatelystartedcoming.

Idon’tknowwhat’swrongwithme,buteventheidea

ofhimtakingmesoroughlyhadmeseeingstars.

“Sofuckin’responsive,”hegrowledashetookmy

hipsandstartedroughlypullingmedownonhim.

Imadeakeeningnoiseinmythroatinagreement,and

helaughed.

“LeanforwardsoIcanwatchyoutakingme.Holdonto

thesteeringwheel,”heorderedme.

Idid,leaningforwarduntilmybreastswerepressedup

againstthehornandswiftlypickedupthepaceagain,
workingfasttobringhimtorelease.

“Soperfect,”hewhispered,runninghishandsoverthe

expanseofmyass.

Imoanedagain.

“Yeah,youfillmesogood,”Isaid,slappingmyass

againsthisthighs,takinghisbigdickasfarasIcouldget
him.

Hishandranupthelengthofmyspinetosettleonmy

shoulder,thenslammedmedownusingthepurchasehe
had,urgingmetogofasterandfaster.

Ononeparticularthrusthestartedtocome.

Ifelthisbellytighten,thenhiscockstartedtojumpas

heshothisreleaseintomywaitingchannel.

AndthatwasallIneeded,onceagain,tocome.

Myeyescrossed,andIthrewmyheadback.

Michaelfistedmyhairasittickledhisbelly,holding

mesteadywithitwhenIfinallycamedownfromthehigh
he’djustdeliveredtome.

“Fuckin’beautiful,”hewhisperedfiercely.

Ismiledandleanedbackuntilmybackrestedagainst

hisfront.

Hewrappedbothhandsaroundmeandburiedhisface

intomyneck.

“You’rekillingmelately,”hewhisperedlaughingly.

Isnorted.

“Ican’thelpit.That’sallIthinkabout.Yourcock,”I

teased.

Hechuckledandleanedforwardtograbthestackof

napkinswe’dgottenfromChick-Fil-Athenightbefore.

Handinghalftome,Iplaceditonthefrontofmy

vaginawhilehetooktheback,doinghisbesttocatchthe
comethatstartedtoleakfrommypussythemomentitwas
freeofhiscock.

Ifelltomysideinthepassengerseatanddidmybest

tocleanmyselfofhiscomebeforeretakingmyseat.

He’dalreadytossedhisnapkinsinthelittlebag

hangingfromhissteeringcolumn.

“Here,”Isaid,offeringthesoilednapkinstohim.

Hegavemea‘yeahright’lookandtookthebagoffhis

steeringcolumn,offeringittome.“There.”

Ismiledandshovedthenapkinsintothebagbefore

handingitbacktohim.

Hetookitreluctantlyandreplaceditbeforestartingthe

truckuponcemoreandbackingoutofthemakeshift

driveway.

“We’regoingtobelate,”Itoldhim.

Hetossedmealook.“We’renotgoingtobelate.You

can’tbelatetosomethin’likethis.”

Insteadofanswering,Istayedsilentandwatchedthe

treespassby,mynauseastartingtoreturnnowthatthe
horninesswasn’ttheretooverwhelmthenausea.

“Youcanbelatetosomethinglikethisifyoursister’s

beensittinginthedrivewayforthelasthourwaitingonus
togetthere,”Iretorted.

Herolledhiseyes,notthatIcouldtellthathe’ddone

so.

I,atleast,heardthederisioninhistone.

“Mysistercanwaitaslongasittakes,seeingasItold

hernottobuythehouseinthefirstplacebecauseitwasin
afloodzone.ThenItoldhernottowaitongettinga
drivewaybecauseifshedid,thewholethingwouldflood
andshe’dtearupheryard.Thenwhenshedidn’tgetthe
driveway,Itoldhertogetafourwheeldrive.Doyou
knowwhatshegot?AtwowheeldriveJeep.Whothe
fuckgetsatwowheeldriveJeep?”

Icouldtellthathereallywantedtoknow,andIdidn’t

haveananswerforhim.

Theanswerwas:nobody.

WhatwasthepointofaJeepifitdidn’thavefour

wheeldrive?

NotthatI’dsidewithhim.

Womenneededtosidewitheachother,otherwisemen

wouldtakeovertheworld.

Or,atleast,Michaelwouldgetafatheadthinkinghe

wasalwaysright.

“Shelivesoutintheboonies,too,whichmeansit’sa

drivefromwhereverI’mat,”hetoldmeasheturneddown
adirtroad.“Andit’safixerupper,soI’mthereevery
otherweekend,itseemslike.”

Hewasn’tthereeveryotherweekend,whichItold

him.

“You’renotthereeveryotherweekend.Because

you’vebeenwithmeforamonthnow,andI’venevermet
her,andyouspendyourweekendswithme,”Itoldhim
dryly.

Hewinkedatme,andIfeltshiversracedownmy

spine.

Butthenwehitapotholecausingthetrucktodipdown

low.

Andthenauseawelledbackupmythroat.

“Pullover!”Ipleaded,handgoingtomymouth.

HereadthestateIwasinquicklywithaquickscanof

hiseyes,andpulledover.Notthatitwasmuch.

Butitwasenough.

Hestoppedthetruckquickly,andIhadenoughtimeto

throwmydooropenbeforeIlostthelunchthatI’dbarely
eaten.

MyheadfeltlikeitwasamilliontimestoobigasI

threwupeverythingIhadinthere,thenstarteddryheaving.

IguessMichaelwasworriedaboutmefallingoutof

thetruckbecausehishandwenttothewaistbandofmy
skirttoholdonwhileIviolentlypuked.

Headpounding,Iliftedup.

Onlytocomefacetofacewithacow.

Hewasonhissideofthefence,butstill,thesurprise

ofitallhadmesqueakinginsurprise.

“Youokay?”Michaelasked.

Iturnedtohim,thenbacktothecow.

“Yeah,I’mokaynow.I’vebeennauseoussince

breakfast,”Itoldhim.

“Stomachbug?”Heaskedworriedly.

Ishrugged.“Idon’tknow.Maybe.Wehavesomany

sickpeoplecomethroughthehospitaleverydaythatit’s
possible.ButIhaven’taclue.Ijusthopeitgoesthehell

away.”

Reluctantly,heletmyskirtgo,andturnedbacktoface

thefrontofthetruck.

“Maybeweshouldtakeyouhome,”hesaid.“It

wouldn’tbegoodtopasswhateveryouhavetoReggie.”

Iwavedmyhand.“I’llstayinthecar.You’reallthe

wayouthere,andI’llbefineaslongasyoudon’tmind.”

Heshookhishead.“No,Idon’tmind.Justdon’tspread

yourcootiestome.”

Isnorted,andpulledthedoorclosed,tossingaglance

atthecowwholookedalittlebitsadtoseemego.

Ileanedmyheadbackagainsttheseat,andclosedmy

eyesasMichaelstartedmovingthetruckbackdownthe
road.Atamuchslowerpacethistime.

“Iwon’tspreadmycootiesifIcanhelpit,”Ilaughed.

Hishandcapturedmine,andhehelditontopofthe

middleconsoleforanothertwomiles.

Thenhepulledintoa…yard.

Therewasn’tanydriveway.

Noneatall.

Andwithalltherainwe’dbeengettingoverthepast

twomonths,heryardresembledmoreofalakeratherthan
ayard.

“ShedrivesajackeduptwowheeldriveJeep…”I

saidunsurprised.“Whywouldsheliftatwowheeldrive?”

Michaelburstoutlaughing.

“Exactly!”

Hetriedcarefully,butthemomenthepulledintoher

yard,histiressankandstartedtospin.

“Gonnahavetoputitinalready,”hemuttered,doing

somethingonthefloorboardthatIcouldn’tsee.

Icouldn’tseeitbecausethewomanthatwascoming

outofthelittlebrownhousewasbeautiful.

IcouldclearlytellshewasMichael’ssister.

Shehadthesamebeautifulbrownhair,andevenfrom

thisdistanceIcouldseethathereyeswerethesame
translucentblue.

“Shelooksjustlikeyou,”Iobservedashepulledau-

eyinheryardandstartedtobackup.

Mudsplatteredandslammedagainstthewindows,

causingmetolaughatthesituation.

I’dbeenmuddingbefore.

Hell,IwasraisedinEastTexas.

Ifyouhadn’tbeenmudding,thatwasbecauseyou

hadn’tlivedherelong.

ButIhadn’tdoneitinsolongthatI’dforgottentheway

youslippedandslid.

Mudhadzerotraction.

IthelpedthatMichael’struckwassobig.Andhistires

weresomeanlooking.

Herolledthewindowdownandplacedhishandonthe

window’sledgewhilehelineduptohistarget.

BecausehehaditbackeduptoHannah’sJeepinno

time,andwasbailingoutbeforeIcouldaskhimifhe
neededmetodoanything.

Iwasstudyingthehorsesacrossthestreetwhen

Michael’svoiceyelledforme.

“Nikki!”

Istuckmyheadoutthewindowandturnedarounduntil

Icouldseehim.

“Yeah?”Iaskedcuriously.

HannahandMichaelwerestandingclose,bothofthem

lookingatme.

Michael’swasteasing,andHannah’slookwas

calculating.

Shewassizingmeup.

Iwavedtohim,andshecrackedasmile.

“HetoldmetostayinthetrucksoIdidn’tspreadmy

pukeycootiestoyou!”Iinformedher.

Hannahsmiled.

“Appreciatethat.IfIcatchit,it’llmeanReggiewill

catchit!”Shethankedme.

“Arey’alldone?”Michaelsnappedimpatiently.

Iblinked,butwiselykeptmymouthshut.

ButIdidnodmyhead.

“Good,”hemuttered.“Nowgetintothedriver’sseat

andbackitupalittlemore.”

Isalutedhim,andhenarrowedhiseyesatme.

Scramblingovertheseat,Iscootedtheseatupto

whereIcouldreachthepedalseasily,andbackedthetruck
up.

Promptlysaturatingthembothwithmud.

Islappedmyhandovermymouth.

“I’msorry!”Iyelled.

Michaeldidn’tlaugh,butHannahdid.

Greatguffawsthathadherdoubledoverinhilarity.

“Doyouwanttopullyourselfout?”Hegrowledtohis

sister.

Sheshookherheadandstoodup,butshestillhad

streaksrunningdownherfacewherethetearsfromher
laughingwashedthemudaway.

“Jeez,”shesaid,walkingtoherJeep’sdoor.“You’re

nofun.”

“That’sright,I’mnot.”

Iraisedmybrowathim,buthecouldn’tseeme

becausehewasbusyattachingthechainhe’dproduced
fromhistoolboxtobothvehicles.

IcontemplatedMichael’ssuddenchangeindemeanor.

He’ddonethatquiteafewtimesinthemonthI’dreally

beenspendingtimewithhim.

Threeinstanceswhereallofasuddenhismoodwould

justsnapfromoneextremetotheother.

Goingfromreallyhappy,topissedoffattheslightest

thinginamatterofseconds.

Quitefrankly,itwasfascinatingtowitness.

NotthatI’dtellhimthatIfoundhisdiseasefascinating.

I’dlearnedtorollwithit,though.

Ihadsisters.

Enoughsaid.

Also,itwaseasiernottocallattentiontoitandactlike

nothingwaswrong.

Thatwasthefastestwaytogethimbackontrack,andI

knewhewasgratefulthatIdidn’thecklehimaboutit.

“Alright,Hannah.Iwantyoutogiveitsomegaswhen

youstarttofeelthetugonthechain,okay?”Heconfirmed.

Shenodded,andhestartedtothedriver’ssidedoor,so

Imovedbeforehecouldaskmeto.

Iwasinmyseatwhenheopenedthedoor,andIhadto

looktheotherwaysohewouldn’tseethesmileonmy
face.

“Iknowyou’relaughingatme,”hegrowled.

“I’mnotlaughing,”Ilied.

Hesnortedandthrewitintodrive.

Thetighteningofthechainsounded,andbothofthem

startedgivingitgas.

Then,allofasudden,Michaelstopped.

“She’sgoingforward,”hesaid,coveringhisfacewith

hishands.“Pleasetellmeshe’snot.BecauseI’llbe
embarrassedtocallhermysister.”

Ihoppedoutofthetruck,andmywhitetennisshoes

immediatelysankintothemud.

Itcameallthewayuptomylowercalves,butIgotout

tocircumventtheargumentIknewwasabouttoensue.

“Hannah!”Iwhisperedloudly.

Sheturnedandletoffthegas.

“Backwards!”Iwhisperedagain.

Hereyeswidened,andthenshecoveredhermouth

withherhand.“Shit!”

Withpinkcheeks,shepusheditupintoreverseand

startedtogobackwards.

Michaelthenstartedtogoforward,andimmediately

pulledheroutofthedirtwithlittletonoeffortatall.

Hedrugherallthewaytotheroadwherehepulled

overandparkedjusttothesideoftheroadandgotout.

“Youneedadriveway,”hegrowled.

HannahfelloutofherJeepbecauseshewasparkedon

theinclinethatleadtoaditch,causinghertotripand
nearlyfallonherface.

Herbabybrother,though,savedherbeforeshecould

evenmakeittoherknees.

“You’llneedtokeepparkingherewhereit’spacked

ground,otherwiseyou’llkeepgettingstuck,”hetoldher,
settingheronherfeet.

Icrossedmyarmsovermychestandturnedtolookat

thedogthatwaspeekingoutthedoorbehindme.

“Heybigboy,”Isaidtohim.

Hewasold.

Hewasablacklabthathadawhitemaskcoveringthe

entiretyofhisface.

Hemovedslowashemadehiswaytome.

Iwentdowntomyhaunches,holdingoutmyhandfor

him.

Henudgedmyhand,andIstartedtopethishead.

“You’reasweetbaby,”Itoldhim,scratchingbehind

hisears.

“That’sMogley,”Hannahsaidfrombehindme.“He’sa

suckerforsomelovin’s.”

Ismiled.“He’ssweet.Iusedtohaveablacklablike

himnamedNike.Mydadhadtoputhimtosleepwhenhe
wasfifteenbecausehecouldn’twalkanymore.Toomany
Frisbeetosses,Iguess.”

“Mogley’sawhizwithatennisball.Heusedtobemy

ex’s,butJoshuadidn’twanttotakecareofhimanymore
whenhestartedtolosehisdesiretoduckhunt,”shesaid
sadly.

Whatadick.

Howcouldyoujustgetridofadogwhowastoooldto

dowhatyouaskedofhim?

Certainlynotme!

I’dkillforapuppy,butmyapartment’spetdepositwas

outrageous,andyoucouldn’thaveadogovertwentyfive
pounds.

And,althoughIlovedsmalldogs,Icouldn’thandlethe

highpitchbarkingthatcamewiththem.

Imuchpreferredadogthatwouldprotectme.Play

withme.Andgenuinelyhavefunwithme.

I’dhavethatagainsomeday.

“He’sasweetheart,”Itoldher.

MichaelcameuptotheporchandofferedMogleya

scratchontheheadbeforehestartedstrippingoffhis
boots,followedquicklybyhispants.

“GotanythingIcanchangeinto?”Heasked.

Iblinkedwhenhestrippedrightdowntohisboxer

briefs.

“WhatwouldyoudoifIdidn’t?”Sheaskedlaughingly.

Heglaredather.

“Drivehomeinmyunderwear,”hesaidsimply.

Ofcoursehewould.

Although,mencouldgetawaywiththat.

Theycouldgetawaywithalmostanything.

Whereas,ifawomanhadtriedtodrivehomein

nothingbutabraandpanties,she’dgetintotroubleforit.

“IhavesomeofJoshua’soldclothesinthespare

bedroom.Theywon’tfityouwell,butI’mprettysure
there’sapairofoldshortsandat-shirtorsomething,”she
toldhim.

Hegruntedandwalkedintothehouse,completely

ignoringme.

“Hmmm,”Isaidonceheleft.

“He’sinoneofthosemoods,”sheexplainedsoftly.

Inodded.“He’sfine.”

Shelookedatmecarefully.

“Youknow,”shesaidsimply.

Iblinked.“Knowwhat?”Iaskedinnocently.

“Thathe’sbi-polar.”

Inodded.“Yeah,hetoldme.”

Hereyeswidenedinunderstanding.

“Helovesyou,”shewhispered.“Andyoulovehim.”

Iblinked.

“Well…”Idid.Ijustdidn’twanthissistertoknow.

Iwaswaiting.

Isensedthatthatwassomehowcrucialtoourbudding

relationship.

IfIspookedhim,hewouldrun.

WhichwaswhyIwasdenying,witheverythingIhad,

whatIsorelysuspectedwasn’tfoodpoisoningora
stomachbug.

Iwaspregnant.

Verypregnant.

BecausesinceI’dhookedbackupwithMichael,I’d

nothadmyperiod.

IwassoregularwithmyperiodthatIcouldsetatimer

toit.

IcouldtellyouwithinthehourofwhenIwasgoingto

start,becauseitstartedatthesametimeeverymonth.

Whichmeantthatthefirsttimeweweretogetherwe’d

conceivedachild.

Achildthathedidn’twant.

AchildthatIhadtoconvincehimthathecouldhave.

Whocouldbehealthy.Whocouldbeagoodperson,just
likehewas.Whetherhewantedtoadmithewasagood
manornot.

“Youlovehim,”sheconfirmed,noddingherhead.

“Good.He’sagoodman.”

See?Iknewhewas.

“Iknow,”Itoldher.“He’sareallygoodman.”

“He’sasapforalittlekid,though.Asyoucansee,he’s

collectingthemonceagain,”shesaidwithasnicker.“A
yearorsoago,hesavedalittleboyfromacarcrash,and
stayedwithhimforfourhourswhilehewascutoutofa
car.NowJacksonisMichael’sbiggestfan.Theystill
hangoutwitheachothereveryonceinawhile.Hell,he’s
Reggie’sbestfriend.He’sallshetalksaboutsometimes.”

Thatknowledgethathelovedkidsgavemehope.

I’dalreadyknownthat,ofcourse,butitwasgoodto

haveitreiterated.

“HowoldisReggie?”Iasked,gatheringupMichael’s

clothesandbootsandputtingthemintoatrashbagthat
Hannahhadmagicallyproducedoutofaplanter/secret
hidingspotbetweentwochairsonherporch.

“She’stwoandahalf,goingoneighteen,”Hannah

laughed.“She’sMichael’slittlemini-me.Imitates
everythingMichaeldoes,anditdrivesmyex-husband
bonkers.Iloveit.”

Ilaughedwithher.

WhichwashowMichaelfoundus.

Hewasn’tinabadmoodanylonger.

No,hewasinagreatmood.

Whichheprovedwhenhesaid,“Ilikeitwhenmytwo

favoritegirlsgetalong,smilingandlaughing.”

Igavehimathumbsup.“Well,wewerelaughingat

you.Doesthatmakeyoufeelanydifferent?”

Heshookhisheadinthenegative.

“No,itdoesn’t.Aslongasyou’regettingalong,”he

announced.

Iraisedabrowathim,studyinghisattire.

Hewasinablackpairofjoggingshortsthatwere

seriouslytootightonhim,mostlybecauseIcouldmakeout
theoutlineofhiscockthroughtheshorts.Andalthoughit
wasaveryniceoutline,itwasn’tsomethingIwantedthe
worldtobeseeing.

Hisshirtwasn’tmuchbetter,butatleastitwas

something.

Iwashappytoseehistattoosinthedaylight,though.

Normally,Ionlygottoseehimwhenwewereathis

houseormine.Anditwasonlyintheprivacyofour
bedroom.

Michaelwasn’tlikenormalmen.

Hedidn’tgowithoutashirt.Healwayshadoneon.

Always.

Unlesshewasgoingtobedorgettingoutofthe

shower.

“Whywouldn’twegetalong?”Iaskedcuriously.

Hannahwastheonetoanswer.

“JoslinandIdidn’tgetalong.Atall.Shewasselfish

andstuckup.ShealsohatedthefactthatIcalledheronher
shitwhenIpickedupERrotations.Somethingshereally,
reallydidn’tlike,”sheanswered.

“Ahh,”Isaid.“Thatmakessense.Shehatesme

becauseIdothat,too.”

Hannahgrinned.“Lookslikewehaveatonofstuffin

common.Andguesswhat!Wecanganguponheratfamily
dinnersandChristmases!Becausemybigbrotherisbeing
stupidandmarryingthecheatinghoe!”

Michael’sheadtiltedtotheside.“How’dyouknow

shecheated?”

Hannahlookedathimasifhewerestupid.“Michael,

babybrotherdear,I’mnotstupid.Iworkinthesame
hospitalshedoes.Andherstinkdoesn’tjuststayonthe
groundfloor.Itpermeatestoallthefloors.Trustme.”

Ihadtoagree.

Joslinwassomewhatfamous.

Shewasthehoeofthehospital,andeveryoneknewit.

Theymaynotknowherbysight,buttheyknewherby

name,andthatnamewasn’treallypretty.

“TheycallherWhoreslininsteadofJoslin,”Hannah

informedhim.

Heblinked.

“Andshe’salrightwiththat?”Heaskedindisbelief.

Myeyebrowsshotup.

“Shedoesn’tknowshe’scalledthat,”Itoldhim.

Heblinked.“Ifeveryonecallsherthat,shehasto

know.Thewomanisfarfromdumb,”hetoldme.

Ishrugged.“Nomatter.Whateversheis,isnotdumb.

Butshealsohasnocareofwhatothersthinkofher.She’s
goingtodowhatshedoeswithoutanotherthoughtonwhat
anyoneelsethinks.”

“Sowillyoubeontimefordinnertonight?”Hannah

asked,changingthesubject.

Iwasglad.

Thatsubjectalwayshadtheabilitytomakeme

depressed.

Ayearandahalfofworkingwithher,andIstillhated

it.

ThefactthatIwasabouttomeethisparents,though,

wasn’tmuchbetter.

Infact,thenauseawasbackfullforceatthethoughtof

meetingthem.

I’dmetparentsbefore,butIneverknewwhattosay.

Iwasn’taveryoutgoingperson.

Icouldtalktosomeone,ofcourse,butIalwayssaidor

didsomethingtomakemyselflookstupid.

“We’llbethereontime,Ithink.Unlesssomethingwith

theteamcomesup,”Michaelsaid,liftinghisarmshigh
abovehisheadtorestonthelipoftheporch’sroof.

Hiswaytooshortshirtrodeupexposinghistautbelly,

andmymouthstartedtowater.

Hisbellywascoveredwithtattoos,butIcouldstillsee

thedefinedridgesofhisabdominalspeekingout.

Themanwasseriouslyripped.

Anditneverhurttoseehistattoos.Somethingwhich

mademesohappytoseeondisplaysincetheyweremade
forpeopletosee.

Notthatheagreedwithme.

It’dbeenthesubjectofmanydiscussions,andI’d

finallydecidedtojustletitbe.

Hecoulddowhathewantedtodo,andI’dbethereto

supporthim.

“Well,it’snotlikeyouhaveanycontrolofwhenyou

getaSWATcallout.Itiswhatitis,”shesaid,wavingher
armattheideathathe’dbelateforthat.“Momwillget
overit.”

Isensedthatthiswasalsoasoresubject,himbeingon

theSWATteam,andImadeamentalnotetoaskhimabout
itlater.

“Alright,Hannah.I’vegottorun.We’vegotalunch

withtheboys,butI’llseeyoulaterthisafternoon,”hesaid
tohissister.

Hannahwalkedforwardandhuggedhim,effectively

gettinghimmuddyonceagain,butnotnearlyasmuchas
he’dbeenbefore.

Hescrunchedherhairandkissedherforeheadbefore

helethergo.

“Becareful,”hewhisperedtoher.

Hannahnodded.“Iwill.”

Then,beforeIcouldthinkorsayanythingtothe

contrary,Iwaspickedup.

Oneofhisarmssweptmylegsoutfromunderme,and

theotherwentbehindmyshoulderstocatchmeasIfell.

Isquealedandloopedmyarmsaroundhisshoulders,

hangingonfordearlife,eventhoughIknewhe’dnever
dropme.

“I’mtooheavy!”Iprotested.

Hesnorted.

“You’renotheavy.You’repetite.Whichisthe

oppositeoftooheavy,”hesaidwiththatannoyinglysweet
toneofhis.

Icouldhearthewayhisfeetsankintothemudwith

eachstep,andIcouldn’thelpbutobject.

“Michael,myfeetarealreadycoveredinmud.Why

areyoucarryingme?”Iasked.

Helaughed.

Ileanedmyheaddowntorestagainsthisneck.

“Whatever,”Isaidteasingly.

Hesqueezedmetighter,andI’dneverfeltsaferor

morecontentinmylife.

Chapter13

Don’tputofftomorrowwhatyoushould’ve

donetoday.MaybeIwill…tomorrow.

-Factoflife

Nikki

“Michael!”Igasped,myheadgoingbackasheroughly

pulledmyhair,exposingmynecktohismouth.

Heranhistonguefrommycollarboneallthewaytomy

earlobe,whichhesuckedintohismouth,runninghis
tonguealongtheoutershell.

“We’regoingtobelate,”Isaiddesperately.

Hewasn’tlistening,though.

Hewasalreadypullingmyjeansdownmythighs,

pushingthemdownwithbothhandsashebentmeoverthe
sideofthebed.

“I’llbequick,”herumbleddeeply,makingmyeyes

rollbackinmyheadwhenhisbeardedcheeksrandown
myslitashetracedthelengthofmysexwithhistongue.

“God,”Ibreathed,pushingbackinvoluntarilyashe

thrusthistongueintomywaitingpussy.

Thescratchybeardcoveringhischindugdeliciously

intomyclit,andIwasonthevergeofcomingwhenhe

pulledbacksoabruptlythatIcriedoutinfrustration.

“Alright,wecangonow,”hesaidsternly.

Ilookedovermyshoulderathim,sawthegleaminhis

eyes,andknewhewasjoking.

NarrowingmyeyesIgavehimthestinkeye.“You’ve

alreadygotmeonthebrink.Howaboutyoujustfinishthe
job?”Iasked,wigglingmyassforeffect.

Hegrinnedandslowlyworkedthezipperofhisjeans

down,unbuttonedthem,thenloweredhispantsfrom
aroundhishipsjustenoughthathecouldfreehiserection
withoutmuchmaneuvering.

Ilickedmylipscausinghimtogrinatme.

Heknewhowmuchheaffectedme,andIdidn’tcare

onebit.

“Michael,”Iurged,pushingmyhipsbackagainsthim.

Hiseyesdarkened,andhelinedhiscockupwithmy

entrancebeforeslowlyeasinginside.

Igaspedandthrewmyheadback.

Myhairflippedovermyback,andMichaelcaughtit,

fistingitintohishandsashepulledbackhiships.

Thenhesankbackinside,pullingmyhairtourgemeto

movebackagainsthimatthesametime.

Iobliged,throwingmyhipsbacksohardthataloud

smackfilledtheroomwhereourhipscollided.

Hegrunted.

“That’sthewayyouwanttodothis?”Heasked

casually,asifhewasn’tdrivingmecrazywithhisslow
movements.

“Yes!”Iscreamed.

Heobligedthat,too.

Pullinghishipsbackuntilthemeatyheadofhiscock

stayednotchedinmyentrance,herammedbackinsideof
mesohardthatmykneesliftedfromthebed.

“Ahhh,”Imoaned,lighteningcoursingthroughmy

veinsastheeroticstaccatoofhismovementslitmeuplike
afirecracker.

Pleasurewasbuildinginmycore.

Mypreviousorgasmbarrelingbacktowardsthefinish

lineasheslammedintome,harderandharderuntilthe
onlythingIanticipatedwasthedeliciouspainthatshot
throughmeeachtimehesankinsideofme.

Hisfreehand,thatwasn’tpullingbackonmyhair,

foundahomeonmyass,squeezingittighterandtighter
untilIwassurehe’dpullmyassoff.

ButsoonIdidn’tcarebecauseIwascoming.

Theeroticpain,thepurepleasure,andtheexcitement

smashedthroughmeallatonce,andIspontaneously
combusted.

Orsoitfeltlike.

Maybeitwasanorgasm.

ButIwouldn’tcallwhatIhadwithMichael‘normal.’

Whatwehadwasfan-fucking-tastic.

“I’mcoming,”Igasped.“Please!”

HeknewwhatIwanted.

Hishandleftmyhair,andtheotherleftmyhip.

Onetraveledtomyclitwhiletheotherwenttooneof

mybreasts:pulling,plucking,andtickling.

Mypersonalbottlerocketexplodedintoafullblown

fireworksfinaleasIclampeddownonhimsohardIheard
himcurseandpumphishipsimpossiblyfaster.

“Jesus,”hegrunted.

ThenIfeltthehotsplashofhiscomepouringintome,

fillingmeup,andmarkingmeashis.

Hepushedforwardonefinaltimeandstayedplanted,

pantingwithexertion.

“Youknow,”hesaid.“Idon’tevenmusterupthismuch

sweatwhenIrun.”

Igroaned.

“Ican’tcomplain.”

AndIcouldn’t.

IfIhadtodealwiththesweattogetthepleasureIjust

had,thenI’dtakeiteverydayoftheweekandtwiceon
Sundays.

Hepulledoutofme,leavingmefeelingbereft.

Iwasonmybellyonthebed,andIcouldfeelhis

essenceleakingoutofmeinagush.

YetIdidn’thavetheenergytocareatthatmoment.

“Getup,woman,”Michaelslappedmyass.

Iflippedhimoff,nodoubtleakingcomealloverthe

bed.

I’dchangethesheetswhenwegothome.

TherewasnowayIcouldmoverightnow.

Well,thatisunlessMichaelweretopickmeup.

Whichhedidonlysecondslater,wrappinghisbig

handsaroundmywaistandstandingmeup.

“Cleanup,pullupyourpants,andlet’sgo.Icanjust

hearmymomscreechingnow,”Michaelteased.

Horrorfilledme.

“What?”Isaidfrantically.“Arewelate?”

Ofcoursewewerelate.

We’djusthadsexwhenweshould’vebeenleaving,

NikkiPena!

“Gah!”Isaidhurriedly,placingthepalmofmyhand

betweenmylegstocatchanystraydropsthatmightleak
outasIhobbledtothebathroom,mypantsstillaroundmy
anklesfromwherehe’dleftthemearlier.

Michaellaughedashewatched,sittingdownonthe

bedtoholsterhisgunandtiehisshoes.

Twentyminuteslater,andonlytenminuteslate,we

pulleduptohisparents’house.

Itwasgorgeous.

Itwasoneofthoseplantationhouseswithwhitepaint,

hugewhitepillars,redshutters,andalargefrontporchthat
housedrockingchairs.

“Thisisnice,”Isaidinawe.

I’dgrownuponafarm.

We’dlivedinafivebedroomhousewithseven

children.

Mybrother,beingtheonlyboy,hadgottenaroomby

himselfwhilemysistersandIallhadtospiltintothree.

Itlookedlikethishousehadnolessthantenbedrooms.

Plusamaid’squarters.

Andapoolhouse.

“Yeah,”heagreed,openinghisdoorandhurrying

aroundtomine.“Itwasgood.”

Ihoppedoutwhenheofferedmehishand,andstarted

upthefrontwalk.

“I’mnervous,”IwhisperedtoMichael.“Andwe’re

late!”

Hepattedmyhand.“It’llbealright.”

Iknewitwouldbe.

He’dmakeitso.

Butthatstilldidn’thelpthenervousnessthatwas

tearingupmyinsides.

Orwasthatthenauseathathadn’tgoneawayforthree

days?

BecauseIfeltlikeIwasgoingtodie.

Ofnervousness.OrmaybeanorexiasinceIwasso

stinkin’hungry.

I’dmethisparentsontheped’sfloor,ofcourse,but

onlylongenoughtochatwiththemsincethey’dbothbeen
workingatthetime.

Meetingthemattheirhouse,intheirterritory,ontheir

babyboy’sarm,wasadifferentthingentirely.

“It’sgoingtobeokay,Ipromise,”hetoldme,aswe

walkedupthefrontwalkofhisparent’shouse.

“Areyousuremypantsaren’ttootight?”Iasked

worriedly.

Hiseyeswentfromthefrontdoortomyass,andI

couldseehispupilsdilate.

“Nobaby,they’refuckin’perfect,”hemurmured,

lickinghislips.“Maybeweshouldgohome.Callandtell
themyou’restillsick…”

Ilaughed,knockinghimwithmyelbowintheribs.

“Wedidthatbeforewecame,”Iteasedlightly.

Thenthedoorinfrontofmeopened,andabeautiful

woman,withMichael’sblueeyes,openedthedoor,andat
herbackwasamanwithMichael’sbrownhair.Witha
fewgrayhairsthatonlyaddedtoitsawesomeness.

“Michael,you’relate,”hismothersaidreprovingly.

ThenhereyeslitonMichael’sbaredarms,andIwinced.

That’dbeenmebegginghimtowearat-shirt.

Ishould’velethimwearthelongsleeveonehewanted

towear.

“Ma,”hesaid,walkinginwithmebehindhim.“We

werehelduptryingtofindamatchingshoe.”

Andwehadbeen.

That’dbeenwhathadstartedthewholethingtonight.

I’dbeenlookingunderthebed,andhe’dbeenlooking

atmyassinsteadofformyshoe.

“Nikki!”Hannahcalledfromfurtherbeyond.“I’mglad

youcouldmakeit!”

IsmiledgenuinelyatHannah,thenmeltedevenfurther

asthelittlegirlinherarmslaunchedherselfatMichael.

“UncleMickey!”Reggiescreeched.

Reggiewasaballofsunshineandhappinesswrapped

upinahotpinkdressandbrowncurls.

Iwantedher!

Howcutewasshe?

“UncleMickey!Spin!”Reggiescreechedagain.

TherestofuswatchedasMichaelspunReggieina

circle,armsextendedoutinfrontofhimwhileheheldher
suspendedintheair.

Shescreechedandyelled,holleringandhootingasshe

didthe‘airpane.’

“Alright,children.That’senough.Howaboutsome

dinner?”Elizabethchastisedthemgently.

Michaelswungonemoretime,thencametoanabrupt

stop.

HeplacedReggieonthefloor,andweallwatchedas

shestartedtostumbleasherequilibriumcamebacktoher
inslowincrements.

Michaelcaughtherbeforeshecouldfaceplant,and

laughedather.

“Youdidbetter,Reggie-Roo,”hesaid,pullingher

tightlyintohischest.

Icouldtellhelovedher.

Dearly.

AndIcouldn’thelpapangofsadnessatthesight.

Iwantedthattobeourkidtogether.

“What’sfordinner?”Anothervoicecalledfromthe

livingroom.

Ilookedup,startledtoseeanothermanthere.

HeresembledMichaelincolor.

Hehadthesametannedskinandbrownhair.Butthat

waswheretheirsimilaritiesstayed.

Thismanhadamore‘baby’facewithaveryleanbuild

tohim.

Hedidn’tlookmuchliketherestofthefamily,like

HannahandMichaeldid.

“Imadelemonpepperchickenandgarlicmashed

potatoeswithasparagusandapoundcakefordessert,”
Elizabethsmiled,happythatsomeonehadaskedherwhat
she’dmade.

Inoticedhowthemannodded,andthewoman

plasteredagainsthimgrimaced.

I’dforgottenthatJoslinmightpossiblybehere.

Ormorelikeshutitout.

Ireallydidn’tlikethewoman,andImust’ve

unconsciouslyprotectedmyselffromthinkingaboutitall
day,becauseuntiljustnow,I’dcompletelyforgottenshe’d
behere.

Michaelwrappedhisarmaroundmyshoulders,pulling

meintohissideashesaid,“Smellsgreat,mom.Ihopeyou
madesomesweettea,though.I’mthirsty.”

Elizabethgavehersonadrolllook.

“Whatdoyoutakemefor,aYankee?”Shejeered.

Isnorted,andcoveredmymouthwithmyhandatthe

jab.

JoslinwasfromupNorth.

IknewthatbecauseshealwayslikedtosayhowTexas

‘wasn’tNewYork.’

Well,thankGodforthat!

“Well,leadtheway,ma.You’recomplainin’about

howIwaslate,yethereyouarelolly-gaggling,”Michael
teased.

Elizabethnarrowedhereyesatherson.

“Watchit,”shewaggledherfingerathim.

Dinnerwasexcellent.Andnotathingwentwrongthe

entiretime.

Ikeptmyeyesonmyownplate,smiledateveryone,

andactedlikeIwascomfortable.

ButthewholetimeIwasn’t.

Joslindidnothingbutglareatmetheentiretime,andI

lostpatiencewithheraboutthirtyminutesintothemeal,
andstartedglaringrightback.

“Morechicken?”

IlookeduptofindDeanholdingthechickendishoutto

me,andIshookmyhead.“No,thankyou.”

HiseyesnarrowedwhenIwouldn’ttakethedish,andI

lookeddownatmyemptyplate.

“I’mfilledtothebrim,promise,”Itoldhim.

Hesighed.

“Deandoesn’tlikeitwhenthewomeninhislifedon’t

eatasmuchasasmallhorse,”Michaelmumbledarounda
biteofbread.“Ikeeptellinghimtogetoverit,buthehasa
phobia.”

Iblinked.

“Aphobia?”Iaskedinconfusion.

Ireallywasstuffed,soitdidn’tmatterifhewantedme

toeatmoreornot.Iwasn’tgoingto.

Notwiththewaymystomachhadbeenroilingonand

offlately.

“Agirlhedatedinhighschoolusedtobeanorexic.So

hethinkseverygirlheknowsis,”Hannahmuttered,
smilingatherbrotherinhumor.

“Idonot!”Deandenied.

“Youdo,”Manuelolaughedfromtheendofthetable.

“So,Mom,”Joslininterruptedtheconversationwith

hernormalawesomeself.“Whatarewedoingforthe
holidays?IreallywanttogotoColoradotoskiagain.”

Ihatedskiing.SohopefullyMichaeldidn’texpectme

togowithhim.

“Wetriedthatlastyearanditdidn’tgowell;that’soff

thetableforthisyear,”Manuelomuttered,makingmelove
himinthatinstant.“Plus,nowwehaveanotherpersonto
addtothemixwe’llhavetostartsyncingourschedules
now.”

Myheartwarmedatthementionofme,andwhen

Manuelosmiledatme,Iknewhe’dforeverhavemyheart.

IfanyonecantakeonJoslinlikethat,thenIwasallfor

him!

“Butlastyeartheboyspicked.Thisyearsthegirls

pick,”Joslinwhined.

Michaelmadehismouthbusybyshovinganotherpiece

ofbreadinit,butIcouldtellhewantedtoyellather.

Hell,sodidI.

Ididn’t,ofcourse.

Surprisingly,itwasDeanwhosaidit.

“Howaboutwetalkaboutthiswhenitcomescloserto

time?It’sonlyApril,”Deanoffered.

“Alright,wellsinceeveryone’sdone,I’llcleanthe

dishes.Nikki,Joslin,howaboutyoutwohelpme?”
Elizabethaskednicely.

Irefrainedfromgrimacing.

Cleaningthekitchenwasmyleastfavoritethingtodo

intheworld.

Givemeamoporatoiletbrushalldaylong,butthe

thoughtoftouchingfoodandsmellingitreallymademe
wanttogag.

Michaellookedatme,gaugingmywillingnesstodoit,

andstartedtosaysomething,butIstayedhishand.

“Okay,”Isaidbrightly,standingupandreachingfor

Michael’sandmyplate.

WhenIstartedtopullMichael’splateaway,heheld

ontoituntilIlookedintohiseyes.

WhatIsawtherewasconcern.

Forme.

Smilingathim,Ileaneddownandkissedhimsoftlyon

thelips,whispering,“I’mokay.”

Helookedintomyeyes,studyingmeforlongmoments,

thennodded.“Bringmesomepieonthewaybackout.”

Iwinked.“Yes,sir.”

“See,that’swhatIliketohear!Lizzie,whenareyou

gonnalearnhowtoobeylikethat?”Manueloaskedloudly.

Laughing,IfollowedagrumblingElizabeth,andan

evenmoreunhappyJoslin,intothekitchen.

“Makin’uslookbad,mydear,”Elizabethsaidoncethe

doorswungshutbehindus.

TheyhadoneofthoseswingingdoorsthatI’donly

seeninmovies,andtheirkitchenwasstateoftheart.

“Man,Icouldknockoutsometamalesinhere!”Isaid

inawe.

“You’rewelcometomakethemanytimeyouwish,as

longasyoushare,”Elizabethofferedgraciously.

“Deal,”Isaid,stoppingbythetrashtodumpwhat

remainedonthetwoplatesinmyhandintothetrashbefore
walkingthemtothesinkwhereElizabethwasrinsingthe
dishes.

Joslintookaseatatthetableandstartedleafing

throughamagazine,leavingElizabethandItofillthe
silence,whichwassurprisinglyeasy,considering.

“So,whatmadeyouwanttobeamidwife?”Elizabeth

asked,offeringmearinsedoffdishtoloadintothe
dishwasher.

“I’maparamedic.ThefirstcallIevertookwhenIwas

onmyownwasafortyweekpregnantwomanhavingher
babyinaclosetinherbedroom.Itwasduringoneofthose
stormsthatthreatenedtohailanddamageeverythinginthe
affectedareawithitshighwinds.They’djustrungthe
tornadosirenwhenweshowedup,”Itoldher.“Soweget
there,andshe’dalreadymovedtotheclosetwithher
freakingouthusbandatherside.That’swherewe
deliveredher.AndI’vebeenhookedeversince.”

“ThosearethetypesofstoriesIlovetohear.Asyou

know,Iworkontheped’sfloor.Itcanbedepressingat
timestohearsomestories,”Elizabethsaid,handingmea
handfulofforks.

“DeanandIhavedecidedtotryinvitrofertilization,”

Joslinannouncedfromherspotatthetable.

Ifroze,asdidElizabeth.

“Y’allhaven’treallygivenitthatlong,”Elizabeth

hesitated.

“We’vebeentryingforoverayear,soDeanwentto

gettestedandtheydiscoveredhehadaverylowsperm
count.Theysuggestedinvitro,buteventhenthey’renot
surethathe’llbeabletofertilizemyeggs.We’regoingto
askMichaelifhe’dbewillingtodonatesperm…”

IdroppedtheplateIwasholdingandstormedoutof

theroom.

IwassomadthatIcouldspitnails,andwhenIfound

DeanandMichaelinatensehuddleinthecornerofthe
livingroom.

“Michael!”Iyelled,stormingtohim.

Heturnedaroundtolookatmeinconcern,thenhis

eyesnarrowedwhenhesawJoslin’ssmilingfaceatmy
back.

“What?”heaskedworriedly.

“Weneedtotalk.Outside…now,”Itoldhimquickly.

“Itoldherthatwe’regoingtoaskMichaeltodonate

sperm,”Joslinannouncedtotheroomasawhole.

Michaelturnedstifflyandstaredatme,readyforwhat

heknewwascoming.

Becauseletmetellyoualittlesomethingaboutme.

I’mahothead.

Ireactfirst,speaksecond,andthinkthird.

It’sgottenmeintotroublemyentirelife.

“Youwillnothaveakidwithanyonebutme!”Iyelled

loudly,punctuatingmypointwithafingerjabtohischest.

Michael’seyesglittered.

“I’mnothavingkidswithanyone,soit’samootpoint,”

Michaelsaid,crossinghisarmsoverhischest.

“ButDean,yousaidhe’dagree!”Joslinwhined.

“Mybabybrotherisnothavingakidwithyou.That’s

fucked,”Hannahputinhertwocents.

“Butitwouldn’tbehiskidandmine,it’dbemineand

Dean’s,”Joslincontinuedtowhine.

“Yeahright.Youknowdamnwellandgoodthatifit’s

Michael’sDNA,he’llhavearesponsibilitytothatkid,
evenifyouwanthimnotto,”Manuelosaidseriously.

“It’dbeourkid!Hewouldn’thaveanysaytoit!”

Joslindugherselfdeeper.

Michael’sbodybecametense,andIknewhewasabout

tosaysomethingharsh.

“MichaelandIareserious,andI’mreallynot

comfortablewithhavingachildofhisrunningaroundwith
y’all.Nottosaythatyouwouldn’tbecapableparents,”I
toldDean.“Butwhat’sapartofMichaelisapartofme.
Sowouldy’allbecomfortablewithsharingthischildwith
meandMichael?BecauseIknowIwouldn’tbe
comfortabledoingthatwithy’all.”

“IthinkthatweneedtotalktoMichaelwithoutyou

here,”Deansaidsoftly.“Joslin,whydon’tyougofinish
cleaningthekitchenwithNikkiand…”

“No,she’sright.Iwon’tbehavinganykids.ButifI

were,itwouldn’tbewithJoslin.Sorry,”Michaelsaid,
shovinghishandsintohispocketsandlookingaroundthe
roomatalltheoccupants.

ManueloandHannah,Icouldtell,werefirmlyonmy

side.

Elizabeth,Icouldtell,wasconflicted.

Shewantedbothofherboystobehappy.

AndIknewI’dmadeanenemyoutofJoslinfirstand

foremost.

Therewouldn’tbeanyturningbackfromthat.

Dean,however,lookedoddlyhappy.

Likehehadn’twantedtohavechildrenwithher.Nor

hertohaveanychildrenwithanyoneelse.

Beep-Beep-Beep-Beep.

IglancedatMichaelashepulledhispageroutofhis

pocket.

“Gottago,”hemuttered,lookingatthereadout.“Nikki,

comeon.Let’sgo.”

Weleftwithinseconds,andIwassohappyIcould

scream.

“Icannotbelieve,”Isaid,pluggingmyseatbeltin,

“Thatsheaskedyouthat.”

Michaelsnorted.“Shealwayswantedkids.AndIthink

Deanwasintheprocessoftellingmehedidn’twantkids
either,whenyouburstthroughthedoorlikeahotfirepoker
wasshovedupyourass.”

Iwinced.

“Thatsoundspainful,”Iadmitted.

Heshrugged.“Iwouldn’tknow.I’venodoubtthatit

wouldbe,though.”

Hepulledoutofhisparentssubdivision,flippingthe

lightsonthatIhadn’trealizedwerethere.

“Wow,”Isaid,lookingupattheflashinglightsthat

weremountedtohisrearviewmirror.“Doesitmake
sounds,too?”

Hehitabuttononhissteeringwheel,andthesoundof

aloudairhorn,followedbythedistinctbuuuurp-burrrp
mostpolicecarsusedfilledthenightair.

Surprisingly,peoplemovedoutofourwayfairly

quickly.

“Youcantakemytruckbacktoyourhouse,”he

muttered.“I’llgetsomeonetodropmeoffatmyplace.”

Iblinked.

“You’renotcomingbackover?”

WasthatawhineIdetectedinmyvoice?

Yuck,Ihatedwhining.

“No,there’snotellingwhenI’llbeback,”hetoldme

ashepulledintothestation.

Then,withoutanotherword,hedisappeared,leaving

thetruckrunningandmesurprisedandalittlebithurt.

He’dalwayscometomyhouseafterhiscallsbefore.

Whywasthistimeanydifferent?

HadwhatIsaidbeenoutofline?

Surelynot.Buthell,whatdidIknow?

Chapter14

Showmeyourkitties.

-T-shirt

Nikki

“Whereareyou?”Michaelasked.

Ilookedatthedoctor’sofficewhereIwascurrently

waitingformyappointment,andliedthroughmyteeth.

“I’matthestore.Doyouneedanything?”Iasked

sweetly.

Hegrunted.“No.Iwasjusthopingyouwerehomeso

youcouldbringmemysparepistol.Somethingiswrong
withmineandIguessIneedtotakeitintogetitfixed.”

“No,I’mnotthere.I’msorry,”Itoldhimhonestly.

“Damn.Ican’tgetaway.I’mabouttogointoa

meeting,andIhaveaSWATseminarinLongviewat
twelve,”hesighed.

“IcanbringittoLongviewforyou,aslongasthat’s

okay.Ihavetogotothemallanyway,”Ioffered.

Hemadeasoundofcontentment.“Thatsoundsgood.

Whatdoyouneedatthemall?”

Pantsbecauseminedon’tfitanymore,waswhatIwas

thinking,butwhatIsaidwas,“Newpants.Minehave

somethingdefectivewiththebutton.”

Nottotallyalie.

ThedefectivenesswiththebuttoncameupbecauseI

couldn’tgetthebuttontomeettheholethatwasdesigned
forit.

I’dhadtouseahairtietohookthetwotogether,and

eventuallyMichaelwasgoingtonoticethatIcouldno
longerbuttonmypants.

Iwasgoingtobuymyselfsometime,though,bybuying

somebiggerjeans.

It’dbeenthreeweekssinceI’dgonewithMichaelto

pullhissisteroutofthemud.

ThreeweekssinceI’dmethisparents.

AndthreeweekssinceI’dfinishedschool.

ButI’dbeenbusy.

I’d‘graduated’justtwodaysago,althoughitwasjusta

formality.

I’dtakenmycertificationtestthatwasrequiredinthe

StateofTexas,andIwasnowalicensedcertified
midwife.

“Ms.Pena?”Ayoungwoman’svoicecalled,making

melookupfromthecontemplationofmyfingernails,
whichweresorelyinneedofamanicure.

Sadly,Iknewthatwasn’tgoingtohappenanytime

soon.

Ididn’thavetime.

AndwhenIdidhavetime,I’drathernap.

ThispregnancythatIwasn’tannouncingwasreally

drainingthehelloutofme.

Istoodandwalkedovertothewoman.

“Areyouready?”Sheaskedwithasmile.

Inodded.“Yep.”

Iwas.

Therewasnodenyingitanymore.

None.

Ifallmycalculationswerecorrect,Iwaswellpastthe

‘Ijustmissedmyperiod’stage.

Whichwasnormallywhenwomenfeltitsafeto

announcetheirpregnancytotheworld.

SomethingthatIhadn’t,norwouldn’t,findthecourage

todoanytimesoon.

“Alright,we’llgetyourweightandbloodpressure,

thenyou’lltakethatcuprightthere,”sheindicatedthecup
onthecounter.“Andfillthecupuptothe…”

“Firstline,yesIknow.I’mamidwife,”Itoldher,

smilinghappily.

Itnevergotold,sayingthat.

“Oh!Iwanttodothat!”Thewomancrowed.“I’ve

beenthinkingaboutit.Isithard?”

Ismiled.“It’stough,yes.Ithinkthe‘hardest’part

though,iswakingupinthemiddleofthenightwhenthe
womenstartgivingbirth.ButI’mnotgoingtogothatroute
withthehomebirths.I’vealreadygotapositionlinedup
withGoodShepherd.I’llbeassistingthedoctorsthere.I’ll
beontwelvehourshifts,readytoplaycatcherifthe
doctor’scannotmakeitintime,”Itoldher.

Hereyeslit.

“Ididn’tknowtheyhadthatoption,”shesaid,gesturing

tothescale.“I’llseriouslyhavetolookintoit.Itookthis
jobbecauseofthebabyaspect.Ijustlovemeetingthelittle
ones.”

Icouldrelate.

Deliveringbabiesnevergotold.

I’dhelpeddeliverababyintheparkinglotoftheER.

Thewomanhadpulledtoarockingstopinabig,

jackedupChevytruckwithherfrantichusbandatthe
wheel.

Thehusbandhadbeenwhiteasasheet,andIcouldsee

whytheminuteIopenedthedoortothetruckandsawa
babypracticallyonthevergeofbeingborn,staringatme
fromthewoman’svagina.

Thebabywasliterallystaring,too.

Hisheadwasinthesunnysideupposition,which

meantthebabywascomingintotheworldfacingthesky
ratherthanthegroundlikehewassupposedto.

Italsomeantthatithurtalotmore.

Whichthewomanthat’dbeenbirthingtheboywas

lettingusknowwithhereloquentplayonwords.

I’dliftedmyarmsjustintimetocatchtheboyasthe

womanhadgivenonevaliantpush.

Thebabyslidfromthemother’sbirthcanalintomy

outstretchedhands,andthere’dbeennolookingbacksince.

“Okay,youcanstepdown,”thewomansaid.“Sithere,

please.”

Aftercheckingmybloodpressure,andfillingthe

dreadedplasticcup,sheshowedmetoaroom.

“I’msureyouknowbynowwhatthislittlegemis!”

Shesaid,holdingupaDoppler.

Inodded,satdown,andliftedmyshirt.“Suredo.

Haveatit.”

“Yousaidyouweretwelveweeks,sothatshouldbe

morethanenoughtimeforhertodevelopandallowusto
heartheheartbeat.”

Iclosedmyeyesandlistenedtothesoundsofthe

Doppleratwork,amazedathowdifferentitwasfromthis
end.

“Ahh,”thewomansaid.“Thereitis.”

Ismiled,andtearsfilledmyeyes,asIlistenedtomine

andMichael’sbabyfortheveryfirsttime.

AndIfellinlove.

Hopelesslydevotedtothislittlelifeinsideofme.

“Onefortytwo.Perfectperfect!”Shesaid.“Alright,

mydear.Myname’sDaliaifyouneedanything.Thedoctor
shouldbeinwithyouinabouttentofifteenminutes,”
Daliaexplainedassheheadedtotheroom’sdoor,andthen
closeditquietlybehindher.

Well,atleastIdidn’thavetositherenakedwhileI

waited.

Thisvisitwaslate.

Mostwomenusuallywentinwhentheywerefourto

sixweekspregnant.

SeeingasIwastwelve,Iwouldn’thavetohavethe

normalvaginalultrasound.Icouldhavetheonethatwould
runovertheoutsideofmybelly.

WhichalsomeantIwouldn’thavetogetnaked.

Ibusiedmyselfwithamagazineonbirthingachild,all

thewhileItriedtotellmyselftocalmdownandnotfreak
out.

Freakingouthadbeenamajorpartofmylifeasoflate.

HowdidItellMichael?

Wouldhebeokaywithit?

Wouldheaskmetoabortit?

Iknewonething,though,andthatwasthatthisbaby

wasmine,andIloveditalready.

AndifIhadtogiveupmyrelationshipwithMichael

becausehecouldn’tseepasthisfears,thenI’ddoit.

It’dbehardashell,butI’ddoit.

AndIplannedontellinghimtonightafterwehad

dinnerwithourfamilies.

MaybeI’dpourafewdrinksintohim,too.

Maybethatwouldhelphimstaycalmandhelphim

realizethathavingachildwasn’ttheendoftheworld.

Thedoortotheroomclickedopen,andIlookedup

intotheeyesofanoldermaninhismidtolatesixties.

“Hello,”DoctorJonessaid,offeringhishand.“I’m

DoctorJones.It’snicetomeetyou.”

Ismiledathimandofferedhimmyhand,too.

Themomentmyhandtouchedhis,Ifeltalittlezingof

discomfortpulsedownmyarm,butIhiditwithasmile.
“Nicetomeetyou,too.”

Hetookaseatonthatlittlerollingchair,andIwas

nevermorethankfulthatIwasn’tnakedthanrightatthis
moment.

Becauseifthismanwould’vebeendoingstuffbetween

mylegs,Imightverywellhavescreamed.

Therewasn’tanythingthatIcouldputmyfingeronthat

mademesonervousanduncomfortable.

Hewasnormallookingforthemostpart.

Hedidhaveaslightbaldspotattheverytopofhis

head,andhehadtoomuchofaleerinhissmile.

Butotherthanthat,hewasanormalmanforthatage.

Therewasnothingthattrulystuckoutabouthim,butI

knewIwouldn’tbecomingbacktothisdoctorifIcould
helpit.

Thewaythispracticeworked,though,wasthatIhadto

seeallofthedoctorsincaseoftheeventthatmyprimary
OB/GYNwasbusywithanotherpatientoroutoftown.

Ihadtomeetwiththemall,andthisdoctor,Dr.Jones,

wasthefirstoneavailable.

SoI’dtakentheappointment,eventhoughhewasn’tthe

doctorthatIwantedtospeakwith.

Luckily,Iwouldn’thavetotakeanotherappointment

withhim.

“Alright,wellyourpregnancytestcamebackpositive,

soyouareindeedpregnant.Todaywe’llbedoinga
sonogramonyoutodoublecheckthedates,butwithwhatI
heardaboutyoubeingamidwife,I’mfairlypositivethat
yourcalculationsonyourgestationarecorrect,”he
grinned.

Ihidmywinceonceagainwithasmile.“Yeah,I’m

fairlypositivemyself.”

Henodded.“Whatdoesyourhusbanddo?”

InsteadoftellinghimthatIwasn’tmarried,Ijust

smiledandtoldhim,“He’sapoliceofficer.”

Somethinginhiseyesflared,butwasgonejustas

quicklyasIsawit.

“Wellthat’snice,Ibety’allareexcited,”hesaid,

standingupandwalkingtothesinktowashhishands.

Ileanedbackandliftedmyshirtwhenhecamebackto

me,hishandsmovingtomybelly.

Hepressedintomyabdomen,andIhadtoclenchmy

coretightlywhenthemovementmadethestateofmy
bladdergofrombearabletoDefconOne.

“Everythingfeelsalright,”hesaid,movingbackuntil

hewasstandingatthesink.“I’vewrittenaprescriptionfor
prenatalvitamins,aswellassomenauseamedsifyoufeel
thatyou’llbeneedingsome,sinceIreadinyourchartthat
you’vebeenexperiencingquiteabitofnauseaand
vomiting.”

Inodded,andhesmiled,thatleertiltingupjustthe

cornerofhislipsonceagain.

“Alright,”hesaid,standingupandheadingtothedoor.

“Ifyouhaveanyquestions,pleasedon’thesitatetocallif
needbe.Doyouknowwherethesonogramroomis?”

Inodded,andhewinked.“Alrightlittlelady,you’re

morethanwelcometogo!Seeyounextmonth.”

Iheldmyshiverincheckuntilhe’dclosedthedoor,

andIletoutabreathofair.

Thenanirrationalragesweptthroughme.

Ifthatbastardboyfriendofminedidn’thavetobeso

irrationalaboutchildren,thenIwouldn’tbefreakingout
rightnowalone.I’dhavehimholdingme,tellingmewe’d
neverseethatfuckeragain.

BecauseIknewdamnwellthatMichaelwould’vefelt

thesamecomingfromhimasIhad.

Ileftthelittleroom,wavingatDaliaasIheadedinthe

directionoftheultrasoundroom.

Ifoundtheroom,andimmediatelyrealizedthatI’d

fuckedup.

BecauseMemphis,thewifeofanothermemberofthe

SWATteam,wassmilingbrightlyatme.

“Ijustknewit!”Shecrowedhappily.“Iknewit!”

Iblinked.

“Knewwhat?”Iaskedcarefully.

“WhenIsawyourchart.IbetMichael’ssohappy!”

Shecheeredhappily.

Wrong.Michaeldidn’tevenknow!

“Umm,Michaeldoesn’tknow,”Itoldhersoftly.

Hereyesclearedoftheirhappiness.

“What?”Sheasked.

Iwassurethatwasashocktoher.

Downy,herhusband,wasareallygoodmanwho’d

beenoverthemoonathearingthatMemphiswaspregnant.

Sheprobablydidn’tevenrealizethatsomemendidn’t

feelthesamewaythathersdid.

“Yeah,Ihaven’ttoldhimyet,”Iinformedher.“And

I’mnotsureIwantto…orhowto.”

Sheblinked.“Butwhy?He’sSaint.He’sthebaby

whisperer.Heloveschildren.”

Yeah,Icouldseethisgoingreallywrong.“Michael

doesn’twantkids,”Ifinallysaid.“Idon’tknowhowhe’ll
reacttohearingthatI’mpregnant,norifhe’dbehappy
aboutit.IfI’mbeinghonest,I’mfairlysurehe’sgoingto
flipoutandleaveme.”

“Oh,Nikki.I’msorry,”shewhisperedforlornly.

Ishrugged.

Itwaswhatitwas.

I’ddealwitheverythingelseonceithappened.

Tonight,though,I’dtellhim.Ididn’twanthimfinding

outfromafriendwhenitshouldbecomingfromhis
woman.AtleastIcouldgivehimthat.

Chapter15

Nobodycaresaboutyourproblems.We’ve

gotenoughshitofourowntodealwith.

-Michaeltoasuspect

Michael

“Surprise!”Isaid,throwingthedoortotherestaurant

thatI’drentedforthenightopen,revealingallofour
familyandfriends.

Nikki’smouthdroppedopeninsurprise.

“What…why…what…”shestuttered,flabbergasted.

Ismiled.

“Congratulationsonyourcertification,bestfriend,”

Georgiasaid,wrappingherarmsaroundNikkiandhugging
hertightly.

“Oh,myGod!”Nikkijumpedupanddown,thenturned

andbarreledintome,knockingmeoffbalance.“Youare
thebestmanever.”

Ihuffedoutalaughandlethergowhenherparents

madetheirwayovertous.

“Mom,dad!”Shecriedinhappiness.

Andthat’swhenIknew.

Ididallthisjusttogetthatverysmileonherface.

“Youdidgood,suckup,”Nicosaid,slappingmeonthe

back.

Isnortedandturned,offeringhimmyhand.

Hetookitandnarrowedhiseyesonme.

“Icanseenowthatyou’lltrytowormyourwayinto

myparents’hearts.Butitwon’twork.I’mthefavorite,”
hedeadpanned.

Iblinked.

HewasseriousasfarasIcouldtell.

Ormaybehewasjustthatgoodatholdingontohis

composure.

“Noyou’renot!”Ayoungwomanthatlookedalotlike

Nikki,buthadyettodevelopallthelusciouscurvessaid.
“Iam!”

Nicoglaredather.“Whatthefuckareyouwearing,

Nila?”

Shelookeddownattheshortskirtthatclungtoher

tonedthighs.“Askirt.What’swrongwithit?”

“Uh,”Nicosaid,slappinghisheadandlookingtome

fordirection.“Iknowyouhaveasister.Doesshedress
likeaharlot?”

Ishookmyhead.“No.Notanymore,atleast.Shehad

ababyatsixteen,though.”

Nico’seyesturnedmurderous.“Youwillnothavea

baby!Andruinyourlife!Pullyourskirtdown.”

“Ourbabiesruinedyourlife?”Georgiaaskedwith

laughterfillinghervoice.

Nico’s‘babies’werenowoneyearold’s,butNico

stillactedliketheywerebornyesterday.

“Yeah,whenwasthelasttimewehadse…”Georgia

slappedherhandoverNico’smouthbeforehecouldfinish
yoursentence.

“…youwillwatchyourmoutharoundourfriends,you

randybastard,”Georgiahissedatherhusband.

IcrackedupandturnedtoNila.“It’snicetomeetyou,

finally,Nila.I’veheardalotaboutyou.”

Nilasmiled.“AndIyou.AlthoughallthatNikkiandI

havespokenaboutisthefactthatyoucangiveittoher…”

“Notyou,too!”Georgiakeptrightonhissing.“Whatis

wrongwithyouPena’s?Obviously,Nikkihastherightway
ofit,findingamantogetherthehelloutofthisfuckedup
family.”

Nicolaughed,asdidNila.

I,though,froze.WasshetalkingtoGeorgiaabout

gettingmarried?

Ihadn’tactuallythoughtmuchpastthesummer,butthe

thoughtofbeingwithNikkiforeverreallymademehappy.

Like,manichappy.

Whichalsoworriedme.

Ididn’twanttomarryheryet.

Weneededtimetogettoknoweachother.

She’dneverevenwitnessedanyofmy

manic/depressiveepisodes.

I,atleast,neededtogetthroughthiswinterwithher,

thenIcouldthinkaboutmarriage.

Rightnow,Iwasjusthappyhavingherinmyarms,

knowingshe’dbetherewhenIwokeup.

“Michael?”Nikkicalledtome.

Ilookedovertoseeherparentsandherstudyingme.

Iturnedandwalkedawayfromthearguingsiblings,

offeringmyhandtoSol,onceagain.

“How’sitgoing?”Iasked.

Hesmiled.

“Youdidagoodjob,keepingthisfromher.Iwasjust

tellingherthatyouweretheonetoorganizeallofthis,”
Solsaid.

Nikkilookedfromherfathertome.

“You’regoodatkeepingsecrets,”sheteased.“I’m

usuallythefirstonetotalkmyfamilyintoopeningthe
presents.NexttimeI’llhavetopayattentionforthesigns
ofyouhidingsomething.”

Isnorted.“You’dneverfigureoutifIwashiding

somethingfromyou.You,ontheotherhand,areanopen
book.”

Hereyeswidened.“Really?”

Inodded.

Thenhereyesnarrowed.“I’mgoodatkeepingsecrets,

though.”

ThenMemphisandDownywalkedup,effectively

endingourconversation.

“Lolita!Didyoubringmesometamales?”Downy

askedloudly.

Lolitablushed.“No,myDowny,Ididn’t.ButI’m

makingsometomorrow,soI’llbesuretobringyousome
bythestation.”

Downygrinned.

“Score!”hesaid,pullinghisarmdownquicklyfrom

headheight.“Make‘emhot!YouknowhowIlike‘em!”

Lolitarolledhereyes,andIturnedtoMemphis,onlyto

seeherlookingatNikkioddly.

ShewasstaringattheglassofchampagneinNikki’s

handlikeitwasaviper.

“What?”Iaskedher.

Memphisturnedandlookedatmewithwildeyes.

ThefirstthingInoticedshesawwasmybarearms,

causinghereyestowidenfurther.

“Holyshit!”Sheannouncedloudly.“Yougotanew

one!”

Ilookeddownatmybarearmsandgrimaced.

I’dgonewithoutthelongsleevestonightforNikki.

IknewshelikedwhenIshowedthemoff.

And,althoughIdiditforher,Iwasn’tcomfortable

withit.

Ididn’tlikeexplainingwhyIhadsomanytattoos.

Becausewiththatexplanationcametheexplanationofthe
factthatIsufferedfromdepressionandIwasbipolar.

WhichonlylaunchedintomoreconversationsthatI

didn’twanttohave.

Outofthecornerofmyeye,IsawNikkiturntoplace

herchampagneglassdownonanearbytableandturnto
me.

Iraisedabrowatthemove,butsheonlywinkedand

walkedaway,talkingtoevenmoreofherfriendsand

family,leavingmetoexplaintoMemphissomethingthatI
didn’tevenwanttogetinto.

***

Twohourslater,thechampagnedilemmawasbrought

upagain.

“Nikki,whyaren’tyoudrinkinganychampagne?I

boughtitspecificallyforyou!”Georgiaasked,thrustingyet
anotherglassather.

Nikkionceagainwaveditoff.“No,I’mnotinterested

inchampagnetonight.Iwanttoenjoythisnight,notforget
it.”

Somewhatmollified,Georgiatookthedrinktoherlips

andsipped,keepinghereyesonNikki,studyingher.

IstudiedNikki,too.

She’dnothadadrinkinaverylongtime,nowthatI

thoughtaboutit.

Why?

Makinganotetoquestionherlater,Iturnedbacktothe

conversationathand.

“Sothey’remakingbudgetcuts?Where?Arethey

goingtotakeawayournewbodyarmor?Thevehiclesthat
theypromised?Theovertimepaythattheyforceusto
take?”NicoaskedinoutrageathearingwhatLukehadjust
said.

Lukeshookhishead.“I’monlytellingyoutherumors

I’mhearing,andexplainingwhyI’llbeattendingthetown
hallmeeting.”

“Well,howabouttheylowertheamountofpaythe

mayormakes,orsomeofthecityofficials?Whynottake
thebudgetcutsoutofthefuckin’flowersthattheyplantin
themiddleoftheroad.Orthenewredlightstheykeep
puttingupthatonlydomoreproblemthangood,”Nico
muttereddarkly.

Lukeheldhishandsupinsurrender.

“That’swhyImentionedit.Iwanty’alltogotothe

meetingwithmethisFriday,”Lukesaid.

Afterafewgruntsofconfirmation,Luketurnedtome.

“I’vealsowantedtotalktoyoutoday,too,butIcould

nevergetyou.Haveyouheardanymoreaboutthose
murders?”Heasked.

Weallknewwhichoneshewastalkingabout.

Everyonedid.

Itwasnowpublicinformationafterthefourthonein

fortysquaremilesandtwoweekshappened.

“Wolfisupandtalking,buthe’sonlybeenabletogive

theminutestofdetails.Hecanattesttotheblackclothes,
theblackhoodie,andtheblackboots.Weknowhehad
blackhair,andhewasaboutfivefootnineorten.
Whipcordlean.Aboutonehundredandeightypounds,”I

toldthem.“Buty’allalreadyknowthat.ParkerandElliott
aren’tsharingmuchelseyet.Wolfisgettingreleasedon
Monday,though.And,hopefully,he’llbeapprovedto
adoptNathanlikehe’slookingtodosincehehasnoother
family,”Iinformedthem.

Lukenodded.

“Iheardtheboy’sfinallydoingbetter,”Downysaid

aroundamouthfulofcake.“When’shegettogohome?”

Ishookmyhead.“Onlytimewilltellwithhim.He’s

gotsomeswellingonhisbrainthat’scausinghimtoacta
lotdifferentlythanhewasbefore,sothey’rewaitingfor
thattogodownsomemorebeforetheymakeanyplansof
himgettingreleased.”

“Fuck,”Millersaid,pullinghisbeeruptohislipsand

takingasip.

Mysentimentsexactly.

“You’repregnant!”Noelcrowed.“That’swhyyou’re

notdrinking.”

Myheartfrozeinmychestatthedeclarationfrom

Nikki’slittlesister,andIstartedtopayalittlemore
attention.

“What?No!I’mnot!”Nikkishookherheadsavagely.

Eventhoughshedenieditimmediately,Istartedto

connectsomedots.

Throwingup.

NoperiodthatI’dseenasofyet.

AndIwould’venoticedanyofthemilliontimeswe’d

fuckedinthepastmonthandahalf.

Weightgain.

Whysheneedednewpantsatthemalltoday.

Whyhernipplesweresofuckin’tenderlately.

I’dbarelybrushedthemintheshowerthismorning,

andithadherbeggingformealloveragain.

“’Scuseme,”Imuttered,eyesconnectingwithNikki’s.

Hereyeswidenedslightly,flaringwithsomethingI

couldn’tread,andthendisappearedbeforesheschooled
herfeatures.

Thensheexcusedherselffromherfriendsand

followedmeoutoftherestaurant,thenfurtheroutside.

Ididn’tstopuntilwewereintheshadowsalongthe

sideofthebuilding.

IcouldhearNikki’sflipflopsflappingagainstherfeet

asshewalkedbehindme.

Thewindfromtheimpendingstormflappingherskirt

asshehurriedtocatchuptome.

Butmystridesweretoofastforher.

Shedidn’tcatchuptomeuntilIstoppedinshadowsso

deepthatIcouldn’ttellshewasstandinginfrontofme
beforeImovedmyarmsouttocatchherbeforeshe
slammedintomyfront.

“Now’snotthetimeforlying,Nikki,”Isaid

breathlessly.

IwasbreathlessbecauseIwasfreakingthefuckout.

Iwasadoctorforfuck’ssake.

Iknewthesigns.

IwasalsosmarterthanI’dbeenacting.

IguessIwantedsobadtogiveNikkithebenefitofthe

doubtthatIignoredthesigns.

Ineverlookedtoseeifshewastakingthebirth

control.

Mother.Fucker.

“Michael,”shesaid,pressingherhandagainstmyabs.

AndIsuddenlyforgotwhatsheandIwerefighting

about.

Mostlybecausehermouthwasonmine,andherhands

werewrappingaroundmyneck.

SheheldontightasIstartedtofighther,butthenshe

pressedthosedelicioushipsagainstmyragingcock,andI
forgotthatIwasmad.

Forgotthatmylifehadjustchanged.

Forgotthatshewastryingtodistractme.

Becauseshediddistractme.

AndItookthebait.

Hook,line,andfuckingsinker.

MymouthslammeddownonhersasIgatheredherup

intomyarms.

Theslinkyskirtthatreachedheranklestanglingupin

herlegsasItriedtoliftherup.

SheandIbothshovedtheskirtupuntilitrestedup

aroundherhips,thenImoveduntilIpressedheragainst
thebrickwallofthebuildingwe’djustexited.

“Nikki,”Igrowled,grindingmydickintoherpussy.

“Yeah?”Sheasked,needevidentinhervoice.

Sherockedherhipsagainstmycock,andkeenedwhen

Ihitherclitjustright.

“Please…justdon’tlie,”Ibegged.

Shedidn’tanswer,whichIguessthatwasanswer

enough.

“Nikki,”Isaid,reachingbetweenustoripmycock

freefromthedressslacksandplaceitatherentrance.
“Why?”

Sheshookherhead.“Idideverythingright.Iswearon

mylife,Michael.Idideverythingright.”

Myeyesclosed,andmyheartfeltlikeitwasbreaking

asshesankdownslowlyontomycock.

Herheatfistedmydick,coveringeachandeverysingle

inchofskincoveringmylength.

Myeyesclosed,notthatitmatteredanywaysinceit

waspitchblackoutsidenow.

Thelonelightwe’dbeenusingfortheminimallighting

itgavewentoutwhenahardburstofwindscreamed
betweenthebuildings.

Nikkigasped,andIcouldn’tfigureoutifitwas

becauseofthepuredarkness,orthewayIrammedintoher,
takingmyfrustrationabouttheentiresituationoutonher
pussy.

“Michael,”shegasped,clingingtighter.

“Takeit,”Iordered.

Sheleaneddownandbitmyneck,hard.

AndIexploded.

Itwasalltoomuch.

Thewaysheclenchedaroundme.

Thewayshesmelled.

Thethoughtofhercarryingmybaby.

Ababythatwasamiracleinit’sownright,butwould

probablygrowuptobejustlikeme.

“Ifinishedwithoutyou,”Imurmuredintoherhair.

Shepettedmyhead,runninghernailsalongmyscalp

andmakingshiverschasedownmyspine.

“That’sokay,”shewhisperedsoftly.“Justdon’tdoit

again.”

Ilaughedhumorlesslyandpulledoutofher,lettingher

feetfallbacktowardstheground.

OnceIknewshewassteady,Iletherhipsgo.

HerskirtfellfrommygraspasIdid,andwesatthere

inanawkwardsilence.

Mewithmyheadagainsthershoulder,andherwithher

armsstillaroundme.

“Whatarewegoingtodo?”Irasped,eyesclenching

tight.

Asobcaughtinherthroat,andIknewthatshedidn’t

dothisonpurpose.

Iknewitwithallmyheartandsoul.

Andwhenshewhispered,“Idon’tknow,butIlove

you,”IknewthatIwoulddowhateverittooktocometo
termswiththis.

BecauseIhadjustasmuchofapartintheconception

ofthischildasshedid.

Andthat’swhatamandid.

Steppeduptotheplate.

Chapter16

Sotellmewhatyouwant,whatyoureally,

reallywant.

-T-shirt

Nikki

Iknewhewouldn’tfindmehere.

ItwastheoneplaceIcouldgowithoutanyonefinding

me.

SalsaritaMamacita’s.

Myfamilywouldn’tbecaughtdeadhere.

Itwasthepoorestqualitydancingplaceintown.

Plus,Michaeldidn’tdance.

He’dtoldmeso.

Many,manytimes.

WhenI’dbedancingaroundthekitchenmakingdinner,

he’djustrollhiseyesatmeinexasperationwhenItriedto
gethimtojoinin.

Somethingaboutattendingtoomanydanceswhenhe

wasyoungerorsomebullshitexcuselikethat.

It’dbeentwomonthssinceI’dtoldMichaelthatIwas

pregnant.

Twomonthssincehe’dfuckedme,stayedwithme

throughouttherestofthenight,andthendisappeared
withoutatrace.

Well,notwithoutatrace.

Iknewwherehewas.

Hecalledme,updatedmeonwhatwasgoingon,but

hewasn’tthere.

Hewasseeingatherapist.

Hewas‘comingtoterms’withthebaby,ashesaid.

He’dbeenonacase.

Iknewitwasabadcase.

Ialsoknewitwasaworthycaseforhimtobeon,butI

didn’tunderstandwhyitwastakinghimawayfrommelike
itwas.

AndIwasfairlysurehewasjustusingitasanexcuse

tolickhiswounds.WoundsthathebelievedIdelivered
againsthim.

Iwasonbirthcontrol.Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodoto

preventachildotherthanabstinence…andthatwasn’t
goingtohappenwithMichael.

Ihadn’tbeenonantibiotics,soitwasn’tanything

stupidonmypart.

NorhadIforgottenanypills.Iknewhedidn’twant

kids.Iwouldnevertraphimintokeepingme,norgivehim
achildhedidn’twantonpurpose.

So,needlesstosay,Iwasinamood.

Alonelymood.

Becausehewasn’tthere.

Hewasn’twithme,andIneededhimsobadthatI

couldbarelystandit.

I’dbeenduckinghiscallsforthreedaysnow

AndIknewheeitherwouldplainoldstopcalling,or

he’dpullhisheadoutofhisassandcomeseeme.

Eitheronewasadesiredeffectatthispoint.

Iknewhelovedme.

KnewitsodeeplythatIfeltitwitheachcallhemade

tome.Hearditinthetoneofhisvoice.

Itookagulpofmywater,enoughthatIcould

technicallysayIwasdonewithitsincetherewasnoway
I’dbetouchingitwhenIgotbacktomytable.

Iwasn’tgoingtoberoofied.

Plus,Iwasn’tstupid.

“Wanttodance,mamacita?”Iheardcalledovermy

shoulder.

IturnedfromwhereIwasswayingmyhipsalongwith

thebeattofindaverybeautifulmanatmyback.

Hewastall.

Hehadablackleathervestoveraredt-shirtwith

blackjeansandapairofblackboots.

IknewhespelledT-R-O-U-B-L-E.

DidIcare?

Fuckno.

BecauseIwasasinglelady,andsingleladieshad

needs.

No,notthatkindofneeds.

Needsthatmademewantanotherhuman’stouch.

Craveit.

NeedsthatMichaelshouldbefulfillingrightnow.Not

leavingmetomyowndevices.

Jesus,nowIwasdepressingmyselfagain.

Iturned,andtheman’seyesimmediatelywentdownto

mystomach.

SomethingImadenoefforttohide.

Iwasproudofthisstomach.

Iwasoneweekshyoffourmonthspregnant,andIwas

definitelyshowing.

Mypreviousflatbellywasnowgentlyrounded.

AndmyjeansthatIwaswearinghuggedmylegsand

hipslikeaglove.

Ihadonblackspikyheeledbootsthatcameuptomid-

calf,andaskintightblack,lowcuttanktopthatshowed
offthegirls.

ItwasanoutfitthatIknewwoulddriveMichaelwild

ifhesaw.

Hewouldn’t,butIstillhoped.

“Yeah?”Iaskedsharply.

Hiseyesmovedupfrommybellytomyfaceandhe

askedabruptly,“Yougotaman?”

Ilaughed.“Yeah,Ihaveaman.”

Hisshouldersseemedtoslump.“Shit.Iwashoping

you’dsaydifferent.”

Ismiledgenuinelyathim.

“Life’sabitchlikethat,”Iofferedhimmyhand.“My

name’sNikki.”

Hetookmyhand,shookittwice,thenletitgo.

“Name’sDane.CanIgetyouanotherdrink?”He

asked,lookingpointedlyatthenearemptyglass.

“Sure,butI’mgoingtodancerightnow.Youmaywant

towaitbecauseifitsitstheretoolong,Iwon’tdrinkit,”I
toldhim,takingastepawayfromhim.

Hesmiled.“I’lldothat.ButIhaveameetingthat’s

supposedtostartinaboutfifteenminutes.I’llhavetotake
araincheck.”

Itossedalaughovermyshoulderandthendisappeared

intothecrowdontothedancefloor.

Shakingmy‘bonbon’tosomeRickyMartin,

completelyforgettingaboutthemanandhis‘meeting’by
thetimethefourthsong,Pitbullthistime,rolledaround.

***

Fortyfiveminuteslater,Icameoffthedancefloorwith

onethinginmind.

Abathroom.

Quick.

Ibarreledthroughthedoortomydestination,andcame

toasuddenhaltwhenIwasfacedwiththemostgorgeous
womanI’deverseen.

Andshewaspregnanttoboot.

Flowingblondehairthatcamedowntoherass.A

blackskirtpulleduptojustunderneathherbelly,asky
bluetanktop,andgoldgladiatorsandalsroundedoutthe
outfit.

Shelookedhipandtrendy,somethingInevermanaged

todo.

Mycurvesweretoogeneroustolookniceinwhatshe

waswearing.

“Hello,”Isaid,skirtingaroundbehindhertogointo

thestallbehindher.

“Hi!”Sheansweredbackimmediately.

Ididmybusiness,butheardherleavebeforeImadeit

backoutofthestall.

Washingmyhandsandfixingsomefly-awaysfromthe

bobbypinsholdingmyhairoutofmyface,Ismoothedmy
handsdownmyjeansandmademywayouttothemouthof
thehallway.

Itriedtodecidewhetherornottograbadrinkfromthe

baragainbeforegoingouttothedanceflooronceagain
whenIsawthem.

Andmyheartstalledinmychest,comingtoaslow,

poundingstopbeforeitstartedbeatingagainatarapid
staccato.

Becausethere,infrontofme,wasMichael.

Hehadhisarmaroundtheblondewomanfromthe

bathroom,laughingwithher.

Danewasacrossfromthemonabenchbyhimself,

watchingthetwointeractwithcrudeeyes.

Hesaidsomethingtothem,andmadehiswaytothe

bar.

Whereheorderedawater,andturnedtosmileatme.

Ididn’tsmileback.

Instead,Iwalkedtohim,dreadinmyeverystep,and

tooktheglassfromhim.

I’dneverinmylifewantedadrinkasbadasIdidright

then.

But,alas,Iwaspregnant.

Andthatwasano-no.

Fuckers.

“What’swrong?”Daneaskedashetookinthesetof

myshoulders,thewaymyeyeswereflatwithoutany
emotion.

“Howdoyouknowthem?”IaskedpointingatMichael

andthemysterylady.

“Colleague,”heanswered.

Wonderful.Danewasanothercop.

Withasigh,Iwalkedtothedancefloor,knowing

MichaelwouldseemeasIwalkedpasthistable.

ThenIfoundthefirstpersonIsaw,rememberingthat

he’dwantedmetodancewithhimthroughoutthetimeI’d
beenthere,andgrabbedhim.

Startledatfirst,themansmiledwhenhesawwhoit

was.

Thenstartedtogrindintomybackside.

Anddammit,Ihatedit.

IwantedtowantitsobadthatIdidn’tpayattentionto

mysurroundings.

ItotallymissedthemanthatwasstaringatmeasifI’d

juststolenhisheartstraightfromhischest.

MissedthewayDanecaughtitall,andtheway

understandinglithiseyes.

Ialsomissedthewaythewomanwatchedme,knowing

IwastheoneforMichael.

Whentheman’shandsmoveduptocupmyhips,I

slappedhishandaway.

Michaelmissedthat,though,becauseheturnedtotalk

tothewoman,andhurriedlyshemovedoutofthebooth
allowinghimtoheadstraighttome.

***

Michael

“Thishastolookreal,”DanesaidtoLisetteandme.

Irolledmyeyes.

“We’vealreadygoneoverthisamilliontimes,Dane,”

Igrowled.

“Youaren’teventouchingher.Infact,youhaven’t

touchedherallnight.Howconvincingisthat?”Dane
laughed.

Iignoredhim,scootingclosertoLisetteandputtingmy

armoverhershoulder.“Better?”

Danestudiedthetwoofus.“Yeah,Iguess.”

IfeltlikeIwasbetrayingNikki.

Evensittinghere,justlikethis,wasn’tgood.

Iknewit.

Ishouldcallandexplain.

ButIwasacoward.

“Whattimedoyouwantustomeetupatthedoctor’s

officetomorrow?”LisetteaskedDane.

Daneshrugged.“Whattime’syourappointment?”

Iignoredthem,pullingmyphoneoutofmypocketonce

again,disgruntledwhenIstillhadnoreplytextsor
returnedcallsfromNikki.

IlaughedwhenElliottsaidItextedlikeagirl,and

watchedwhenhegotuptoleave.

“Youdon’treallywanttodothis,”Lisetteobserved.

Ishrugged.“Itneedstobedone.IjustwishIdidn’t

havetolietomygirlfriendaboutit.She’dbedevastatedif
sheever…”

IwatchedasthewomanI’dbeendreamingabout

walkedpastmewithoutaglanceinmydirection.

Eyesdownatthefloorandalookofdevastationonher

face,Iknewshe’dseenme.

Hell,howcouldshenot?

Wewereinthemiddleofthedancefloorunderthe

fuckinglightsforChrist’ssake.

“Fuuuuck,”Igroaned,turningmyheadtowatchNikki

asshewalkeduptosomepunkofakid,grabbedhisarm,
andstartedgrindingherassagainsthim.

Iwasstunnedstill,forlongmoments,andonlycame

unstuckwhenthepunk’shandwenttoNikki’ships.

Sheslappedhishandsaway,buthedidn’ttakethehint,

grindinghisdickintoherassandholdingonwhenIknew
shedidn’twanthimto.

“Movequicklyplease,”IurgedLisette.

She’dseenthealtercation,hadfollowedmyeyestothe

dancefloorandNikki,andchosetomove.

Smartgirl.

IwalkedpurposefullyuptoNikkiandhernewfriend,

androughlyyankedhimawayfromher.

“Gofindyourownwoman,”Ihissedattheboy.

Theboy’seyesnarrowed,andIyankedmybadgefrom

mybeltandhelditinfrontofhisface.

“Nowdoyoureallywanttotryit?”Iaskedhim

honestly.

Ididn’tthinkhewould,butI’dgivehimtheoption.I

wasitchingforafight.

Heshookhisheadfrantically.“No.”

Didn’tthinkso.

Inoddedmyhead.“Goodboy.”

Whenhestayedwherehewas,waitingformynext

direction,Icockedmyheadtowardstheexitandsaid,
“Whydon’tyougoaheadandgo?”

Hewent.

AndIwasleftwithLittleMissTroubleMaker.

“Really,Nikki?”Iasked,amusementclearinmyvoice.

Shenarrowedhereyes.

“Gofuckyourself,pendejo,”shesnarled.

TherewasmylittleSpanishhellcat.Theonethatonly

cameoutwhenshewaswellandtrulypissed.

Iraisedabrowather,andthentookinherattire.

Ilikedthewayherspikyheelsbroughtheruptome.

Ilikedthewayshestaredmeintheeyes,allfireand

innocencewithahintofprissiness.

“Takeitoutside,buddy,”Elliottsaidfrommyback.

IloopedmyfingersaroundNikki’swrist,notingthat

she’dgottenmoredelicatesinceI’dlastseenher,and
madeamentalnotetospeakwithheraboutthataswell.

Firstontheagenda,though,wassettingherstraight.

I’dgonelongenoughkeepingherinthedark.

Itwastimetobringherintothelight.

Letherknowwhatallshewasabouttogetinto.

BecauseI’djustgivenmynotice,sotospeak.

Iwouldn’tbetheFBI’sguineapig.

IwouldbemyownmanandI’dhavemywomanatmy

side.

“Letgoofme,”Nikkiyankedherarmoutofmygrip

beforewe’dmadeitoutside.

Istopped,thenpushedherintothehandicapbathroom,

slammingthedoorclosedbeforeshecouldprotest.

“Michael!Letmeout!”Sheshrieked.

Imovedforward,untilmybodywaspinningherstothe

door,andshestartedtosquirmviciously.

Hershirtrodeup,andIlookeddown,feelingthenew

hardnessofherabdomen.

Beforeit’dbeensoftandyielding.Nowitwashard

andround,causingmetolosemytrainofthought.

Imovedmyhanddownuntilitrestedonthesideofher

belly,myhandcuppingthesmalllifeinsidehertummy.

“You’vegottenbig,”Imurmuredsoftly.

Shefroze.

Thensmackedmeupsidethehead.

“Youdon’ttellthewomanyouknockedupthatshe’s

gottenbig!”Shesnarled.

Ichuckled,thendroppeddowntomykneesinfrontof

her.

Imovedmyhandsup,catchingthehemofhershirt,and

pusheditoverherbellyasIslidmyhandsuptoherribs.

Myeyesfeastedonthesightbeforeme.

Hergentlyswollenbellypoppedoutoverthetopof

herpants.

Ablackhairtieloopedaroundtheholeofthejeans,

andthenoverthebutton,holdingthemclosed.

Herbellybuttonwasalittlelessconcave,andI

assumed,bytheendofherpregnancy,it’dbeanoutie
insteadofaninnie.

Ileanedforward,pressingmylipsagainstthesoftskin

ofherbelly,andsaid,“I’vebeenafool.”

Herhandsfoundmyhair,andIlookeduptoseetears

streamingdownhercheeks.

“I’msosorry,Nikki,”Itoldher.“I’veonlybeen

thinkingofyou,though.Thisguy…whomeverheis…he’s
good.He’sgottenfifteencouplestodate,andoutofhis
thirtyfivekills,onlytwohavemadeit.Wehaveone
witness,andhehasn’tbeenabletogiveusafuckin’thing
togoonbesidethebuildandcoloroftheman’shair.He
neverwenttoanyoftheappointments,sowe’reall
hangingonbyafrickingthread.”

“Whyhaven’tyoucometoseeme?”Sheasked,

devastationclearinhervoice.

Ishookmyhead.

“Atfirst,”Isaid.“ItwasbecauseIwastryingtogetmy

headonstraight.ThenIstartedseeingatherapistthatthe

departmentrecommended.Thenanothermurderhappened,
andwell,I’vebeenafuckingcoward.Ishould’vecometo
you.IactuallyhaveeverynightsinceIleftyouinbedthat
nighttwomonthsago…Ijustdon’tcomeinside.”

Sheglared.

“Who’sthewoman?”Shesnapped.

“AnFBIagent.She’sgoingtohelpuscatchthisman.

She’sbeenposingasanewpatientwhomovedhere
becauseherhusbandwastransferredtoanotherpolice
department…butI’mnotsurethat’sgoingtoworktoowell
nowsinceIwassupposedtobethatpoliceofficer,”Itold
herhonestly.

Sheglared.

“Andwhatdoesbeingafakehusbandmakeyouhaveto

do?”Sheasked,clearlynothappywithmyanswer.

Ishrugged.“Gotodoctor’sappointments.Beseenwith

herinpublic.Stayinthesameplaceatnight.”

Hereyebrowsrosetoherhairline.

“Andwhataboutmyappointments?”Sheasked.

Isawwhereshewasgoingwithit,andIknewshe

wouldn’tlikemyanswer.

“Ican’tgotothem.”

AndIcouldn’t.

Notifthiswastobeauthenticandbelievable.

“Whataboutthebirthofourchild…willyoubeableto

comethen?”Sheaskedcalmly.

“Ifhe’scaught,”Isaidcarefully.

Shedroppedherhandfrommyfaceandstoodthere,

lookingupattheceiling.

Hertearshadneverabated,andIfeltaboutsixinches

high.

“Pleasegetoffme,”shesaid.“Please.”

“Wecanhaveeachotheratnight,”Itoldher.“Ilove

you.”

Thosewordsseemedtomakehersnap.

ShepushedmeawayfromherwithenoughforcethatI

fellbackwards,myassplantingonthegroundsolidly.

AndIwasalsofarenoughawaythatshealmosthadthe

dooropen.

Almost.

“Thisdoesn’tchangeanything,”shegrowled,yanking

onthedoor.

Islammedmyhanddowntostopherprogress.

“Ithastolookreal!”Iyelledather.

“Youwanttohavereal,useme!I’mreal!Youputthis

babyinsideofme,maybeyoushouldusemesinceI’m
actuallyyours!”Sheyelled,wavingherhandsintheairin
truePenaTantrumfashion.

Myeyesnarrowed,thenImovedforwarduntilIcould

onlymakeoutthewhitesofhereyes.

“Ican’tuseyou.Becauseyou’remine,andIdon’tever

wantyouonthatman’sradar,”Ihissed,crowdingherinto
thedirty,grungecoveredwallonceagain.

Shepushedatmyshoulders,butIdidn’tbudge.

“Getoffme!”Shescreamed,drawingtheattentionof

theentirebarIwassure.

Ipulledbackandletherescape,andimmediatelysaw

Dane.

DanehadtakenmyplaceontheLisette’sarm.He

lookedatmeinconcern,buthedidn’tintervene.

Nobodydid,infact.

IfollowedNikkioutofthebar.

Thenfollowedhertohercar.

Thenfollowedherstraighttoherapartment.

WhenIgottoherfrontdoor,Itriedthehandle,andwas

surprisedtofeelitunlocked.

Soshewasn’ttoomadatme,otherwiseshewould’ve

lockedthedoor.

Right?

Wrong.

WhenIpushedthedooropentoherapartment,Iwas

startledbywhatIsaw.

Shewasonherkneesinthemiddleofthelivingroom.

Shewasfacingawayfromme,herchestuptighttothe

coffeetableasshelookedatsomethingwithsuchfocus
thatIwasn’tsurewhattothink.

“Nikki?”Icalled,walkingupbehindherslowly.

Shelookedoverhershoulderatme,andIreadthe

determinationthere.

Theunderstanding.

Theresignation.

“Comelookatthis,Michael,”shesaidsoftly.

AsImademywayuptoherside,Ilookeddown,and

mykneeswentweakatwhatIsaw.

“Areyoukiddingme?”Iaskedsoftly,droppingdown

tomykneesbesideher.

Mykneessankdownintotheplushcarpet.

TheprettypurplecarpetthatNikkijust‘hadtohave’

whenwewereatLowe’soneweekendlookingforpaint
thinner.

AndIthoughttomyself,‘this’lllookgoodinthebaby’s

room.’

“Youneedtochoose,Michael.Thekillerandyour

duties,orme.BecauseIcan’tdothisanymore.Ican’tput
mylifeonhold,wonderinghowlongit’llbebeforeyou
comeback.Wonderifyou’llmakeittothebirthofour
littlegirl.Wonderingifthiskillerwilltakeyoufromus.I
justcan’tMichael.Sochoose.Them,orus.”

Iclosedmyeyes,andmadetheeasiestdecisionofmy

life.

“Igottago.”

Chapter17

RunlikeDeanjustsawyoucrashthe

Impala.

-T-shirt

Nikki

Myemotionswereswirlingaroundmelikeablack

funnelcloudofdoom.

I’dgivenhimmyultimatum,andhe’dchosen.

Ithadn’tbeenwhatIthoughthe’dchoose,buthe’d

chosen,nonetheless.

Iwalkeduptotheelevatorfromtheparkinggarage,

anddepressedthebuttonthatwouldtakemedowntothe
groundlevel,allowingmetothecrossthebreezewayto
mydestination.

Anotherdoctor’sappointment.

Thiswouldbemyfourmonthcheckup,andthegender

reveal.

EventhoughI’dtechnicallyhadthattwoweeksago

whenI’dgonetoGeorgiawho’dinsistedondoingan
ultrasound.

See,itturnedout,thatwesaweachotherquiteabit,

workinginthesamehospital.

I’dstartedmyjobonthelaboranddeliveryfloora

littleoveramonthago,andI’dhadafreakin’blastdoing
it.

Sofar,I’ddeliveredtwelvebabies.

Allofthemhappyandhealthy.

Theelevatordingedwhenthedoorsopen,butIwasin

myownlittleworldthinkingaboutmyjob,whichmeantI
didn’tseethemanstandingintheelevatoruntilhespoke.

“Goingdown?”Anamusedmalevoiceasked.

Ilookedup,andmyheartstartedtorace.

“Michael,”Ibreathed,tearsstartingtoforminmy

eyes.

Hesmiled,andheldouthishand.

“Comeon,orwe’llbelate,”hesaidlaughingly.

Iblinked,buttookhishandandmademywayintothe

elevator.

“How’dyouknowwhereIwouldbe?”Iaskedsoftly.

Myeyesstayedfirmlyplantedonthefloor,though.

BecauseIdidn’twanttobelievehewashere,andlook

uptoseethatI’dimagineditall.

Thatwouldbecruel,butlifewasabitchlikethat.

“Yourbestfriend,”hesaid.

Icouldhearthesmileinhisvoice,andifGeorgiahad

beenintheroomwithmerightthen,I’dhavepunchedher
fornottellingme.

Werodetheelevatorinsilence.

MenotsayinganythingbecauseIjustdidn’tknowwhat

tosay.

HimnotsayinganythingbecauseIwassurehewas

waitingformetoflipoutonhim.

SomethingIwouldn’tdoatmyplaceofbusiness.

Whentheelevatordoorsopened,Imademywayout

withMichaeldirectlyatmyback.

Icouldfeelhiswarmthfromthetopofmyshouldersto

thebacksofmythighs.

“Nikki,wait,”hesaidsoftly.

Thepaininhisvoicehadmeturningsharply,lookingat

himinworry.

“What?”Iasked.

Heclosedhiseyes,andIrealizedjusthowtiredhe

looked.

“ItoldthemIcouldn’tdoit.AndI’msorry.IknewifI

stayedtherewithyoulastnight,I’dputitoff,andIneeded
togetitdone,”heanswered.

“Michael,Iwouldn’tsaywhatyoudiddidn’thurt,butI

understand.Igaveyouthenighttothinkitover,andImeant
it.Iknewyou’dmaketherightdecision,”Itoldhim.

Henodded,hiseyesshiftingfrommyeyestomylips

whereIwascurrentlyworryingthebottomonewithmy
teeth.

“Iloveyou,”hesaidagain.

Myheartmeltedatthosewords.

Thesameonesthathadcomeoutofhismouthlast

night.

TheonesIhadn’treturnedbecauseIcouldn’t.

Today,though,knowinghewouldbestayingwithus.

Givingusachance.

Isaiditbacktohim.

Meaningitwithallmyheart.

“Iloveyoumore,”Isaidsimply.

Hisrumbledlaughwarmedmyinsideswhenhepulled

meintohisarms.

“I’mgonnafuckup,”hepromised.

Isnorted.

“Youandmeboth,bigboy,”Ishotback.

“Idon’tknowanythingaboutkids.”Heinformedme.

Ilookedupintohiseyesandsaid,“Really?You’re

pullingthatcard?”

Iturnedonmyheelandstartedwalkinginside,very

awareofthemanatmyback.

“Yeah,thatcard.Idon’t,though.Ireallydon’t,”he

said.

Irolledmyeyes.

“Michael,youmakeityourmissioninlifetosavekids.

Trustme,youknowhowtohandlekidsevenifyouthink
youdon’t,”Itoldhimgently.

Michaelsmiled.

“Whatever.Sotellmeaboutyourdoctor.Ifeellike

I’vemissedalot,”hechangedthesubject.

Ismiled.“Dr.Meadismydoctor,butwe’llbeseeing

thePA,JoanieDooley,today.Ihavetoseethemalljustin
casemydoctorisoutoftownoratabirthorsomething
whenIgointolabor.”

Michaelnodded,buthiseyeshadcloudedlikehedid

whenhewasconcentratingonsomething.

“What?”Iasked.

Heshookhishead,andwhentheelevatorsdinged,

signalingwe’darrivedatthefloorIneededforthe
doctor’soffice,hefroze.

I’dalreadywalkedoutandturnedthecornerbeforeI

realizedhewasn’tfollowingme.

“Michael?”Icalled,turningaroundandlookingfor

him.

Ifoundhimstillinsidetheelevator,hishandsonthe

doorstoholdthedoor’sopen.

“Whatdoctor’sofficedoyouuse?”Hehissed.

Ireeledbackatthevehemenceinhistone.

Blinking,Isaid,“Women’sCenter.Why?”

Michaelyankedmetohim,thenfurtherpulledmetothe

stairwell.

“What,Michael?Whatisit?”Iaskedinalarm.

Hedidn’tstopuntilwewerethreefloorsup,andIwas

breathinghardfromexertion.

Heyankedthedooropentothesixthfloor,andpulled

merightalongwithhim.

Oncehesawthatthecoastwasclear,hevisibly

relaxed.

Heletmegoalmostimmediately,thenpulledouthis

phoneandplacedacall.

“Yeah,mywoman’sbeengoingtotheWomen’sCenter

formonthsnow!”Hehissedquietlyintothephone,looking
aroundhimasheinspectedtheemptyhallway.“Why

didn’toneofyoufuckingcatchthat?”

Iblinkedinsurprise.

“Yes,she’sfine.Andno,youtoldmeyouhadtheplace

undersurveillance.Youshould’veknown!”Hehalfyelled.

Irefrainedfromsaying,‘Youshould’veknown.’

Instead,Ikeptmymouthshutandpulledoutmyphone,

takingaseatatasmallchairthatwasnexttoapottedplant.

IimmediatelysawthatI’dbelateifhedidn’thurryup,

butIfiguredwhateveritwaswasimportantifhehad
reactedthewayhehadatrealizingIwasgoingtoacertain
center.

Thenrealizationdawned.

He’donlycareaboutwhereIwasgoingiftheplace

wasdangerous.

Andthere’donlybeenonecasehe’dbeenworkingon

latelythatwould’vemadesensetowarrantthisreaction
fromhim.

AndIhadafeelingIknewexactlywhatitwas.

AndIwasnauseousagain.

Motherfucker!

Acoldsweatstartedtopeppermyskin,andIvisibly

startedtoshiverasIjumpedtoconclusions.

Michaelcontinuedhisseethingconversationwiththe

personontheotherendoftheline,andIstartedtoletmy
mindwander.

HadIletsomekillergetclosetomybaby?

Whatwouldhappentousnow?

WouldthebabyandIbeindanger?

CouldIswitchdoctors?

I’dhavetodriveoutoftowntogo.

TheWomen’sCenterdominatedtheentireArk-La-Tex.

Therewasonlyonecompanyintheareathatworkedwith
myinsurance,andIhadafeelingI’dbefindingoutwhat
panicfeltlikeverysoon.

Thensorrowstartedtofillme.

Hadallthosewomencomehere,giventheirtrustto

oneofthedoctorsornurses,thenhadtheirfaithripped
awaywhenthey’dshotthosepoorwomenandtheir
husbands?

“Thisisit.Wedothistoday,andtomorrowshefinds

anotherdoctor.Doyouhearme?I’mbeingonehundred
percentserious.Ifanythinghappenstoher,there’snotone
thingonthisgoddamnearththat’llsaveyoufromme.And
no,Idon’tfuckingcarethatI’mthreateninganFBIagent,”
Michaelgrowled.

Thenslammedhisphoneshut.

Whenheturnedtome,hiseyesimmediatelywentsoft.

“I’msosorry,Nik.HadIknown,Iwould’veneverlet

youcome.IswearonmylifeI’llprotectyou,”he
promised,droppingdowntohiskneesbesidemeand
wrappinghisarmsaroundmymidsection.

Imovedmyhead,restingitonthetopofhis.

“What’sinthepastisinthepast.Let’slookforward

fromnowon.You,me,andthisbaby,”Itoldhim.

Hesqueezedmealittletighter,andIfeltthenow

familiarflutterinmybellysignalingourunbornchild’s
movement.

“Iloveyou,”hesaid,lookingupatmewithhisheartin

hiseyes.

Ileaneddownandsmashedmylipsagainsthis.

Ourtonguesdueledashethrusthistongueintomy

mouth.Histongueslidalongmineashishandsmovedup
myback,burrowingunderthelooseshirtI’dstolenfrom
him.

TheoneIworetoeverydoctorappointmentbecauseI

likedtothinkthathewastherewithme.

“You’rewearingmyshirt,”hesaidagainstmymouth.

Ileanedmyforeheaddowntohis.

“Yeah,”Isaidsimply.

“It’salittlebigonyou,”hesurmised.

Ilaughed.

“Yeah,youcouldsaythat,”Iagreed.

Itwasbig.

Reallybig.

I’dtieditintoaknotatmywaist,atleastmakingit

somewhatflattering.

Ididn’treallycarewhatIlookedlike,though.

Itwasallforsentimentality.

AndbythelookinMichael’seyes,heknewwhyI

woreit,too.

“Youreadytogetthisshitoverwith?”Heasked

quietly.

Inodded.

“Michael,”Ihesitated.“Therearesomegooddoctors

inthisoffice.I’veseenadoctorandanursepractitioner
sofar,andmyregulardoctor,wellhe’sasweetheart.His
nameisDoctorMead.Himandhiswifearethecreatorsof
thispractice.EvenMemphisworkshere.”

Hiseyeswidened.

“DoesDownyknowMemphisworkshere?”Iasked

carefully.“Theplacethaty’allareinvestigating?”

Heshookhishead.“Nobodyknows.Buthe’llknow

withintenminutesofmeleavingtheoffice.AndI’mtaking
Memphiswithmeuntilthey’vediscussedit.”

Isnorted.

“Yeahright,”Ilaughed.“Shewon’tgowithyou.”

“We’llseeaboutthat,”hemuttered,tuggingmealongto

theelevator.

ThankGod.

Ididn’tthinkIcoulddothosestairsagain.

EvenifIwasonlygoingdownthem.

***

“Michael!”Memphissaid,clappingexcitedly.“You’re

here!”

MichaelgrinnedatMemphis,hisfacelightingupwith

pleasure.

“Yeah,I’mhere,”henodded.

“Well,how’dtheappointmentgo?”Memphisasked,

pattingthetable.

IhandedMichaelmypurse,andhetosseditontothe

chair.SomethingIcould’vedone.

“Ihadacokeinthere,”Imuttereddarkly.

Hewinked.“Youshouldn’tbedrinkingcoke.That’s

whatthedoctorjustsaid.”

“Michael,you’renotmydoctor.Dr.Meadis.Hehasn’t

saidawordaboutmycaffeineintake,”Igrowled.

Hewasinsufferable!

He’dbeengoingonandon,contradictingthenurse

practitioneraboutdamnneareverypieceofadviceshe’d
giveninthehourandahalfwe’dbeenhere.

Notonesinglethinghadhappened,thankGod.

ButMichaelmust’vebeentryingtoprovokethe

woman.

Whateverhisreason,he’ddoneit.

Icouldseetheusuallysweettemperedwomanlosing

hercoolbeforemyeyes,soI’dputastoptothequestions
andsmiledapologeticallyatherbeforeI’dleft.

“Well,Iamadoctor.There’snoreasonyoucan’tlisten

tomydirections,”hesaidsarcastically.

Ishruggedandhoppedupontothetable,leaningback

andexposingmybelly.

“Michael,todaywe’redoingascantomakesurethe

babyisgrowingalright.Comestandrighthere,”shesaid,
indicatingaspotnearmyhead.“You’llbeabletoseethis
screenorthatone.”

Shepointedatthelargeflatscreenonthewall,and

Michaeltookthembothinbeforehelookeddownatme.

“Doesheknowwhatyou’rehaving?”Memphisasked

happily,squirtingagenerousamountoflubeonmybelly
beforeshestartedtorunthewandovermybelly.

Ilookedatthescreenwheretheblackandwhitegrainy

picturefilledit.

“Yeah,heknows,”Iinformedher.“Hestillwantsa

boy.”

Memphislaughed.

“Weellllll,it’smostdefinitelyagirl!”Memphissaid,

gesturingtoapointonthescreen.“Hamburgermeansgirl.
Andshewantsyoutoseethatsheis.”

MichaelbecametransfixedwiththescreenasMemphis

wentalongtakingmeasurements,andshowingusdifferent
partsofthebaby’sanatomy.

Thentheyshowedtheface,andIlookeduptoMichael

toseehisfaceavidlyfocusedonthescreen.

Hiseyesscrutinizinghereveryfeature.

“She’sperfect,”hemumbled,knowingIwaslookingat

him.

Helookeddown,andIcouldtellhewasontheverge

ofsomethingbig.

Somehugeemotionhadaholdofhim,andIhada

feelingitwasjoy.

“Well,let’sturnitto3D,”Memphissaidexcitedly.“I

can’twaituntilmine’sbigenoughtoseelikethis…oh
shit!”

Memphiseyeswerewide.“Don’ttellDowny!I

haven’ttoldhimyet!”

Michaellaughed.

“Healreadyknows.He’stoldeveryonehecanthat

you’reexpectingagain,darlin’,”Michaelteased.

Memphis’eyesnarrowed.“You’rekidding.”

Michaelshookhishead.“No,we’veknownfor

weeks.”

Sheturnedbacktothescreen,clickedafewbuttons,

andthenreplacedthewandtomybelly.“Oh,I’llbegetting
himback.He’ssuchashit!”

Michaelsnorted,andIburstoutlaughing,makingthe

screenflipwithmybelly’smovement.

WhenIfinallysettleddown,sheranthewandovermy

bellyoncemore.

Theorangescreenwascaptivatingaswesawourchild

inmoredetail.

“Itlookslikeanalien,”Isurmised.“Likeaweird

alien.”

Michael’smouthmetmine,andIcouldn’thelpthe

butterfliesthatfilledmyinsidesathisunexpectedtouch.

Iwashappythathewashappy.

Andrightnow,thatwasallthatmattered.

Thirtyminuteslater,wewereoutthedoor,with

Memphisintow.

“Ican’tbelieveyou’remakingmecome,”Memphis

saidinawe.“Ididn’tthinkanybodybutDownywasthat
stubborn.”

Michael,whowasdriving,pulledintothepolice

station’sparkinglotandparkedinthebackofthelotnear
therearexit.

“Believeit.Thisisbeyondyourcapacity.AndIhavea

feelingI’mabouttoberippedanewassholefornot
sharingthisinformationbefore,”hemutteredgrumpily.

Nowthattheexcitementatseeingourbabyhadworn

off,Michaelwasinprotectmode.

Hissolefocuswasonthetwoofus,andwhatwas

abouttocome.

He’dpracticallytakenMemphisbyforce,andwhen

Downymetusatthebackdoor;IknewDr.Meadhad
calledhim.

Justlikehe’dsaidhewould.

AlthoughMemphishadassuredhimthateverything

wasalright,Dr.Meadstillwantedtofollowupjustin
case.

WhichwasanotherreasonIknewhewasagoodguy.

Islidoutoftheseat,bendingmykneestohelpwiththe

impactasIdroppedoutofMichael’smassivetruck,and
landedontheballsofmyfeet.

Thatwouldn’tworkformuchlonger.

IcouldjustseemyselfnowfallingonmyasswhenI

hadanothertwentypoundsofbabyaddedtomyframe.

“Whatthefuck’sgoingon?”Downyasked,holdingout

hisarmforMemphis.

Memphiswalkedintohisarms,burrowingherfaceinto

hisneckandhugginghimtightly.

Michaelhadgivenherthebareminimumofwhat’d

beengoingontogethertoleavewithhim,andshewas
obviouslyfreakedwaythehelloutabouttheprospectof
heremployerbeinginvolvedinsomethingsovicious.

“Inside.Tohomebase,”Michaelordered.

Downy’sbrowsrose,butnonethelessturnedand

followedMichaelandItowhatIlaterlearnedwasthe
SWATteam’ssharedoffices.

ThefirstpersonIsawwasmybrotherwithhislegs

proppeduponthelongtableinthemiddleoftheroom.

Iwalkedupbehindhimandhuggedhimhardaround

theneck.

“Iloveyou,”Isaidtohim.

Heraisedhisarmupandcircleditaroundmybackas

besthecoulddofromhiscurrentposition.

“Loveyou,”hesaid.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

IgesturedtoMichael.

“They’rekillingourwomen.”

Chapter18

Whiskeyismyspiritanimal.

-T-shirt

Nikki

Thatannouncementdroppedlikeabombinthequiet

room.

“IneedtocallTrance.AndweneedtogetSamin

here,”Michaelannounced.

TrancewasapoliceofficerforBenton,Louisiana.

AndSamwasanex-ArmyRangerwholivedinKilgore
withtherestofus.Hewasabadass,aswasTrance.I
couldn’tfigureoutwhytheyneededtobehere,though.

“Howaboutyoutellushowthey’rekillingourwomen,

andthenwe’llgofromthere?”Downyaskedshortly,
curlingMemphisintohisbody.

Isighedandtookaseat.

IwassortofinterestedinhearingwhatMichaelhadto

say.

I’dgottenbitsandpieces,butIstillwasn’tfullyupto

parwithwhatMichaelknew.

Andapparently,theboysinfrontofmeweren’teither.

Whichpissedthemoff.

Greatly.

Michaelstartedtalking,andbythetimehewasdone,

notjustDownywasfuming.

Theyallwere.

“Whatthefuck,man?Mywomanworksthere!”Downy

roared.

Ireeledback.

Downywasnormallysuchagoodnaturedmanthatit

wasacompleteanduttersurprisetoseehimgetsoworked
up.

Itshouldn’thavesurprisedme,though.

MemphiswasDowny’sworld.

Anythingthatputherintodangerwouldbeabadthing

inhisbook.

Downyshookhishead.“We’renotevensurethat’s

wherethethreatiscomingfrom.Weonlyknowthatthere
isone.Andthattheconnectionisthewomen.Ididn’t
knowuntiltoday,though,thatthatwaswhereMemphis
worked.”

Downycalmeddownslightly,takingadeepbreath

beforehesaid,“Fuckme.”

“Notnow,darling.We’llgettothatlater.Afteryourub

myfeetandbrushmyhairliketheprincessthatIam,”

Memphissaidsoothingly,rubbingDowny’sbellylikeshe
wascoaxingabigbeastintosleep.

Isnortedoutalaugh,thenturnedinmychairtofacemy

brother.

He’dbeenawfullyquiet,hisfaceamaskofshadows

ashestudiedthewallbehindMichael’shead.

Thenmyeyesnarrowedontheawful,heartlessman

andmymouthopenedsoIcouldroarathiminoutrage.

“Youdidn’ttellme!”Iyelledloudly.“Whywouldn’t

shetellme?I’mherbestfriend,andyou’remyfavorite
brother!”

Nicodidn’tevenflinchasheturnedhiseyestome.

“It’sbeenrough.Shewasn’tsureshewaspregnantat

first,”hesaidsimply,shrugginginindifference.“Stillnot
sure.”

Inarrowedmyeyesathim.“Ican’tbelieveyou

wouldn’ttellme.Itellyoueverything!”

Hegavemeadrolllook.

“Youtellmenothing,”heretorted.

“Itellyouwhatyouneedtoknow!You’redelicate!”I

countered.

Helaughed,whichwaswhatI’dbeentryingto

accomplish.

Turningbacktotheroomatlarge,Irealizedmy

mistake.

Thesemendidn’tfindmeandmymouthasfunnyasmy

brotherdid,andIcouldtellbythelooksofannoyanceona
fewoftheirfaces.

Iclosedmymouthandinadvertentlyscootedcloserto

Nico,becausemean,lying,betrayingbrotherornot,he’d
alwayshavemyback.

Whichheprovedinthenextmomentbywrappinghis

armaroundmyshoulderandkissingthetopofmyhead.

HaveImentionedIlovethehelloutofmybrother?

“Alright,wellhowmanyofyouhaveusedthis

particulardoctor’soffice?”Lukeasked,pinchingthebrow
ofhisnose.

“Allofthem,”Imutteredundermybreath.“It’sthe

onlyoneinKilgore.”

Silence.

IclosedmyeyeswhenIrealizedthesilencewasback

andtheywereallstaringatme.

Shit!

Ipulledoutmyphoneandkeptmyeyesgluedtoit,

leaningmyheadagainstNico’sshoulderasIlistenedto
themtalk,tryingmyhardestnottobuttinwhereIwasn’t

wanted.

Atextfrommysister,Noel,cameinwhileIwasinmy

latestlevelofCandyCrush.

Noel:Igotareallyweirdcallfromyourmother.

Me:She’syourmotherunlessitwassomething

awesome.Thenshe’smymother.

Noel:Shewantstoknowwhyyouaren’tpayingyour

doctor’sbills.

Mybrowsfurrowed.

Nico’sphonebuzzed,andIlookedoverathimtosee

hiseyesfurrow.

“What?”Iaskedhim.

“Ijustgotareally,reallyweirdtextfrommomtelling

meshewantedtoknowwhyyouweren’tpayingyour
doctorbills.Sheaskedifyouwerelowonmoney,”Nico
said.

Michael,who’dbeentalkingupuntilthatpoint,

stoppedandturnedtome.

“Youdidn’ttellmeyouwerehavingtroublepaying

yourbills,”heleftthathanging,andmyfaceflushedin
embarrassment.

“I’mnothavingtrouble.Infact,I’vealreadypre-paid

forthehospitalasoflastvisit!”Irepliedhuffily.“Whatthe

hell?Whywouldanyonecallmymother?That’slike
againstthelaworsomething…isn’tit?”

Silencefellamongtheroom,andsomethinghugeinthe

airstartedtoradiatearoundme.

Testosteronepairedwithfurystartedtofilltheroom,

andIlookedaroundatthemensurroundingmeasthey
comprehendedsomethingIhadn’t.

“What?”Iasked,settlingonMichaelwhoseeyeshad

goneflat.

Heblinked.“Callyourmother.Askherwhocalled.”

Surprisedatthewayhe’dspokentome,withzero

emotionatall,Ididjustthat.

Icalledmymama.

Dialinghernumber,Iputitonspeakerphoneandsetit

onthedeskinfrontofme,keepingmyeyesfocusedon
Michael.

Hedidn’tlookright.

Infact,helookedlikehewasn’tmyMichaelatall.

“Nikki?”Mymotheranswered.“Whatisthisaboutyou

notpayingyourbills?YoutoldmeMichaelwashelping
youpaywhenIofferedtohelpyou.Whywouldyoulie
aboutthat?Ionlywantedtohelpyou.”

AblushrosetomyfaceandIdroppedmyeyesfrom

Michael’sflatonesthemomentshecalledmeonmylying
ways.

No,Michaelhadn’thelpedmepay.

Infact,I’dpaidalleightthousanddollarsthatIowed

outofpocketmyself,andIhadn’taskedhimforathing.

SomethingIwasregrettingrightnowifthefurythat

wascomingoffofhimwasanythingtogoby.

Shit!

“Andyouknow,I’vesupportedyoueventhoughyou

sinned.Iwillalwayssupportyou.Whichiswhywhenyou
getthebillinthemail,Iwantyoutobringittomeandlet
mepayforit,”shechastisedmesternly,theonlywaya
motherknewhow.“AndItoldthemwhereyouand
Michaelworked,aswellasMichael’shomeaddress
becauseyoushouldn’tlieaboutsomethinglikethat.Bill
collectorsarenotfuntodealwith.They’llcallyouany
timeofday.”

Irolledmyeyes.

Whywouldn’tshehavejustaskedmeherself,instead

ofsendingatexttoeveryoneofmysisters?

“Whywouldyouhavegiventhemmyworkaddress?

AndMichael’s?He’snotevenonthechartatall.They
shouldn’tevenknowhisname.”

HadshebeenhopingthatIwouldn’thearitfrommy

siblings?

“Lolita,thisisMichael.Nikki’spaidupinfullasof

lastweek.Wasitamanorawomanwhocalled?”Michael
askedabruptly.

“Oh,Micahel!Ididn’tknowyouandNikkiwere

together.Howareyou?”Mymotherasked,herSpanish
accentgettingalittlethickerwithaffectionnowthatshe
wasn’tyellingatherdaughter.

“I’mokay,Lolita.Nowwasitamanorawomanwho

called?”Heaskedagain,alittlelesspolitethistime.

Mymotherdidn’tnotice,orifshedid,shedidn’tcare

thathewasbeingshortwithher.

“Itwasaman.Hesaidhewasthedoctor,believeitor

not.Icouldn’tbelieveitwhenIspokewithhim,buthe
seemedtobeareallyniceman,”Lolitachattered.

That’swhenthingsstartedtomakesense.

Thiswasn’taboutanybillsatall.

Thiswasaboutakiller.

Akillerwho’djustputhissightsonme.

Chapter19

Whatdowewant?Coffee.Whendowe

wantit?Rightthefucknow.

-CoffeeCup

Michael

“Gotawarranttosearchhisplaceyet?”IaskedLuke.

Lukeshookhishead.“Notyet.JudgeMaddoxisoutof

town,andwehadtogotoBender.He’snotourteam’s
biggestfansincethelastwarrantthatwasservedwasthe
onewherethatoldladybrokeherhip.”

Iwinced.

Thathadbeenacompleteclusterfuckandahalf.

We’dservedanarrestwarrantonakidwho’dbeen

sellingdrugsoutofhishome,andwe’dservedit
flawlessly,arrestingtheboywithinsecondsofbreaching
hishome.

Thentheoldwomanhadcomeoutusingherwalker,

andpromptlytrippedoverhergrandsonwho’dbeenlying
onthefloorinthemiddleofthelivingroom,breakingher
hipandarmintheprocess.

It’dbeenhorrible,andI’dfelthorrible,butinour

defense,wehadtoldhertostaywhereshewasuntilwe

couldgettheboyout.

Shehadn’tlistened,andnowwewerestillhearing

aboutitthreemonthslater.

MyeyesmovedfromLuketothecornerofthe

commandroomwhereMemphisandNikkiwereona
computerlookingatbabyshit,ofallthings.

Ismiledslightly,butitjustasquicklyfellfrommyface

asIthoughtabouthowbadthisallcould’vegonewithout
myknowledge.

AllbecauseIwastryingtoprotectmyself.

Well,lookwherethatgotme.

Mywomanintrouble.

Mychildindanger.

MeindangerbecauseIwasfuckingaround.

Nottomentionallofmycolleaguesandtheirwives.

Ididn’tdeservetolivesometimes.

Iwasafailureatlife.

ThenIshutthosethoughtsdown,realizingthemfor

whattheywere.

I’dforgottenmymeds.

Shit!

“Ineedtogorunbymyplace.Iforgottotakemy

meds,”ItoldLuke.“I’llbebackinabouttenminutes.”

Lukenodded.

“Gotit,”hereplied,keepinghiseyesonhisphone.

Igotup,walkingoutwithoutsayingathingtoanyone

else.

Theywereallprettymadatme.

Astheyshouldbe.

Iwasnogood.

Fuck!

Stop!

BythetimeI’darrivedatmyhouse,I’dgonethrough

quiteabitofselfdoubtbeforeIgottomymeds.

Ihadthebottleinmyhandandhadjustpoppedthepill

whenIrealizedthatIwasn’talone.

Rookiemistake.

Turningstiffly,Ifoundmyselffacedwithamaninall

black.

“Where’sthewife?”Hesnarled.

That’swhenIthankedmyluckystarsthatIhadn’ttold

NikkiwhereIwasgoing,andhadn’taskedhertogowith
melikeI’dcontemplated.

ThankChrist!

Thegunpointedatmyheaddidn’tinstillanyfearinmy

heartlikethethoughtofthegunpointedatNikki’shead.

I’dhadthisfeelingbefore.ThethoughtthatIwasgoing

todie.

Nineteentimes.

EachofthosetimesIrememberedwithpictureperfect

clarity.

AndIwassure,ifImadeitoutofthisalive,thatthis

timewouldbenodifferent.

“Callher,”heordered.

“Fuckyou.I’mnotcallingher,”Itoldhim,crossingmy

armsacrossmychest.

IknewifIcouldstallhim,Lukewouldfigure

somethingwentwrong.

Iwouldn’thaveleftandstayedhomewiththechance

ofthatwarrantcomingin.

John,ourcomputerexpert,hadalreadytracedthecalls

toLolita’sphone,andcomeupwiththeWomen’sCenter.

ThereweresixpeopleondutyattheWomen’sCenter

atthetimeofthecall,andonlytwoofthemweremen.And
oneofthemhadbeenintheroomwithapatientforthe
entiretimeittooktoplacethecall.Sowe’ddoneour

research.Andhadcomeupwithoneman.

We’dappliedforthearrestwarrantforStanJones,

M.D.

AndIhadafeelingthatwaswhothismanwasinfront

ofme.

“So,Stan.Whatareyougoingtodotome?”Iasked,

crossingmyarmsacrossmychest.

Stanfroze.

“Howdoyouknowmyname?”Heaskedstiffly,re-

grippingtheGlockinhishand.

Ishrugged.“Youfuckedup.”

Simplewords,buttheyreallypissedhimoff.

“Ididnotfuckup!”hesnarled.“Idideverything

right!”

See,serialkillershadacertainwaytheydidthings.

Theydidn’tdeviate.

WhichwaswhyIknewhewouldn’tshootmeuntilmy

‘wife’washere.

“Whatdoyouhaveagainstcops?”Iaskedcalmly.

Stan’seyesnarrowed.

Hehadahoodyon,anditwascoveringhishead,but

sincehewasfacingme,Icouldstillgetaprettygood

indicationofwhathelookedlike.

Aboutfivefootten,hundredandeightyfivepounds.

Brownorreallydarkgreeneyes.Brownhair.Tanskin.
Smallhandswithnoweddingband.

Blackpants.Blacklaceupboots.Blackhoody.

“Youdon’tneedtoknowwhy.Justsufficeittosaythat

thisearthshouldberidofyouandeveryoneofyourkind,”
Stanhissed.

Mybrowsrose.“Really?”

Hesneered.“Really.”

Ilaughed.

“Gotit.HowaboutItakeaguess?”Iasked.

Irecalledthenotesinthecase.

Thedetailsofeachdoctor.

Stan’spagelistedhimaswidowed.

Alsolistedhimasnothavinganylivingchildren.

“Didwekillyourwife?”Iasked.

Itwasheartless,yes,butitwaseffective.

“Don’tyousayhername!”Hebellowed.

IrefrainedfromsayingthatI‘didn’tsayhernameat

all.’

Bingo.

“Didacoptakeyourkid,too?Ordidyourkidtakehis

ownlifebecauseyourwifedied?”Icontinuedcruelly.

Stanshookhisgunatme,wagglingitaroundashe

startedtoscreamatme.

“Itwasallyou!You!Shedidnothingtoyou!Allshe

didwasgetpulledover,andthenoneofyou,”hehissed.
“Shotherbecausehethoughtshewasgoingforagun.She
didn’tevenknowhowtoshootagun!”

Heendedthatexplanationonashrillscream.

Ifeltsympathetic.

OfcourseIdid.

Accidentalshootingshappened.

Itsucked,extremely,horriblybad,butithappened.

Cops,onadailybasis,hadtodealwithsomuchshit

fromeveryonethat,attimes,weexpectedeveryonetobe
bad.

Whenwepulledsomeoneover,wearen’thappytodo

it.

We’rewary.

Whenwepullyouover,areyougoingtobeaccepting

ofwhywepulledyouover?

Willyourantandscreamatusfordoingourjobs?

Willyoupullyourgunonus?Pulloutaknifefrom

somehiddenplaceinsideyourcarandstabuswithit.Will
yourpassengerdosomething?

Acartomostpeopleisjustthat,acar.

Acartoapoliceofficerisaweapon.

Itcanrunoverus.Itcanhidelargerweapons.Itcanget

youawayfromusandputotherpeople,innocentpeople,in
jeopardy.Itcanhousemorethanonepersonwhocould
potentiallyharmus.

Soyousee,therearemultiplefacetstolookatwhena

policeofficerpullssomeoneover.

Allofthisisrunningthroughourbrain.

Wehavetobeextremelycautious,doingwhatwedo.

WhetherthiswaswhathappenedwithStan’swifeor

not,Iwouldneverknow.

Butevenifitwasorwasn’t,thatdidn’tgivehimthe

righttotakeouthishurtandpainoneverysinglepolice
officerthathecameintocontactwith.

“I’msorry,Stan,”Isaidseriously.

AndIwas.

Iwassorryhehadtoexperiencesomethinglikethat.

IwouldhopehadthesamethinghappenedtomethatI

wouldfindthestrengthtomoveon.

Tomakethisworldabetterplace.

Iwouldn’t,however,startshootingandkillinginnocent

people.

Especiallyonesthatwerecarryingournextgeneration

liketheseinnocentwomenweredoing.

“Youcanshoveyoursorry’supyourass,”Stan

snarled.“Sitdowninthatchairrightthere.Wewon’t
havetowaitmuchlonger.Icalledyourwoman’smother.I
knowshegetshomearoundthistime.”

Iclosedmyeyesverybriefly,thankfulthatthistime

wouldn’tbeoneofthosetimes.

ShewassafeatKPDheadquarters.

ThankGod.

Stall.That’sallIhadtodo.

It’dbeenthirtyminutessinceIleft.

AndIknewLukehadseenrightthroughmyhastyexit.

Hewasveryawareofmyshortcomings,andI’dmade

surethathewasuptodateonmystateofmind.

Hewasawarethatsomethingwasn’tright,andIknew

he’dcometocheckonmeifIwasgonelongerthanthirty
minutes.

Mydiseaseandconditionswereallaboutchecksand

balances.

Iwasveryopenwitheverythingaboutme…totheright

people.

Ineededthosepeopleinmylifetokeepmeonthe

straightandnarrow.

Luke.Myparents.Mysisterandbrother.Afew

doctors.

Nikki.

Ismiledslightly.

Shehadnocluejusthowmuchshehelped.

“Whyareyousmiling?”Stanasked,ruiningmygood

thoughts.

Ishrugged.“Noreason.”

Hiseyesnarrowed.

Andtokeephimtalking,andmebreathing,Icontinued

toaskquestions.

“Whythecop’swives.Whybabies?”Iaskedcarefully.

Hesneered.

“WhywouldIwanttobringmoreofthosebastards

intothisworld?Notbymyhands,nosir.”Heshookhis
head.“Iwasn’taidinginanymorebirthstopeoplelike

you.”

Ishookmyhead.

Thedegreeofhishatewasstaggering.

Totakehisproblemsoutoninnocentchildrenwasjust

jawdroppingtome.

“Whatwouldyourwifethinkaboutallofthis?”Iasked

softly.

Stan’seyetwitched,anditwaslongmomentsbeforehe

answered.

“Well,I’mnotsurewhyshewouldevenmatter

anymore.She’sgone,andI’llneverneedtoknowwhatmy
wifethinksaboutanyofthis,”Stan’svoicebroke.
“Becauseshe’ssogone.Gone,gone,gone.”

“She’snotgone,”Isaidsoftly.“Shelivesoninyour

memories.”

Shit,nowIwasquotingBigHero6!

IknewIshouldn’thavewatchedthatmoviewith

Reggie!

“ShetellsmeIshouldthinkbeforeIact.Idon’tknow

howtodothat,”headmitted,lookingdownathishandand
droppinghisguntothefloor.

Ididn’tmove.

Nottimeyet.

MyheartratepickedupwhenIsawthemovementin

thesidewindowofmyplace.

Adistinctlyblondeheadpoppedintothesidewindow

beforedisappearingjustasquickly.

Luke.

Good.

Onlyalittlebitlongernow.

“Womenhaveawayaboutthem.Theythinkthey’re

right…butmostofthetimetheyareright.I’vefoundthat
outmyselfjusttheotherday,”Itoldhim,thinkingbackto
thenightNikkisawmewithLisette.“They’resmart
creatures,women.Theyinstinctivelyknowwhatisbest
forus,andtheymoveheavenandearthtomakeushappy.”

AndNikkididdothat.

Everyday.

Isawthatnow,withthethreatofmylifebeingtaken

frommefromamanthatfeltsuchpainoverthelossofhis
ownwoman.

Stan’seyesmovedtothetable,andmybreathcaughtin

mythroatwhenIcaughtsightofthesonogrampicturethat
I’ddroppedtherewhenIarrivedhome.

I’dseenitinthecabofthetruck,andoninstincthad

grabbedittomakesureitwouldn’tgetruined.

Nowthemanthatwantedtotakeherawayfromme

wasstaringatitlikeitwasthelowliestoflifeforms.

“Copsdon’tdeservetohaveahappylife,”hemuttered

darkly.“Youdon’tdeservetolive.”

Hedroppeddownscoopingthegunupoffthefloorand

pointingitforrealthistimeandIknewmytimewasup.

Hewasn’tgoingtowait,andifIdidn’tdosomething,

I’dbelyinginapoolofblood.

“Mayyourotinhe…”

Boom!

Iclosedmyeyes,sicktomystomach.

Thesmokinggunstillinmyhand.

Stanwasdeadbeforehisbodyevenmetthefloor.

“Shit!”Lukesaid,roundingthecorneroftheback

hallwaywithhisguninhishand.“Youscaredtheshitout
ofme,man!”

Iraisedmyheadandlookedatmyboss,andoneofthe

bestfriendsI’veeverhad.

“Idon’tthinkweneedthatwarrantanymore,”Isaid

softly.

Luke’sfacelitinabriefsmilebeforehemovedaround

thetablewhereIwassittingandtookakneeonthefloor
besideStan’spronebody.

“Dead,”heconfirmed,standingup.“Gottacallthisin.”

Withthat,heputhisphoneuptohisearandreported

theshooting.

Slowly,Iplacedmygunonthetablebymyright

elbow,andmovedtostand.

BloodwasslowlyfillingupthefloorbeneathStan’s

bodyandIhadtostepoveritinordernottotrackit
throughoutthehouse.

“Wantmetogooutside?”Iasked.

Lukeshookhishead.

HewastheassistantchiefaswellastheSWATteam

leader;so,asthemoresuperiorofficer,Iwantedtomake
sureIwaswherehewantedme,seeingasI’djustshota
man.

“Wealwaysmissallthefun!”James,withhissniper

rifleintow,whined.

“SorryIcouldn’tprovidethatforyou,”Isaidwith

semi-amusement.

“Hefuckedup.HisusualMOistomakethecopempty

hispocketsandgetridofthesidearm.Hadhedonethat
withyou,hemightstillbealive,”Lukemuttered,arms
crossedacrosshischestasheglaredatthedeadmanathis
feet.“Fuckin’paperwork.Didyougetanythingoutof
him?”

Inodded.

“Itwasbecauseofhiswife.Shewaskilledbyapolice

officerduringatrafficstop,”IexplainedwhatIknew.

“Fuckin’A,”Millergrowled.

“YoufoundmefasterthanIthoughtyouwould,”I

admittedtoLuke.

“PutaBOLOoutonhiscar.Standrivesashiny

Maserati.It’shardtomisssomethinglikethatdriving
downtheroad.OfficerLyonssawitthemomenthepulled
intotheRVparktoturnaround.Wasparkedofftotheside,
asifhewasbrokendown,”Millerexplained.“Lukecalled
youtotellyouwehadthewarrant,youdidn’tanswer.He
startedtoheadthiswaybecausehesaidyoudidn’tlook
right,andthenpassedthesameRVparkwherethecarwas
found.Puttwoandtwotogether.Madetwelve.Endof
story.”

Ishookmyhead.

Amazing.

“Twoandtwomakefour,nottwelve,dumbass,”Foster

titteredfromthefrontdoor.

Neitherhadbreachedthefrontdoorsincetheyknewit

wasacrimescene,andIwastalkingthroughthescreen
door.

Theentireteamwasoccupyingmypatiofurniture.

Jameswaskickedbackinthelounger.Millerand

Fosteronthecouch.Bennett,Nico,andDownywereon
thefinalthreechairswiththeumbrellaovertheirheads,
eyesclosed.

AndIhadanirrationaldesiretotellthemhowmuchI

lovedthem.

Wouldthatbeweird?

Tohavetheirsupport,andtoknowtheywereallthere

formewhenIneededthemwasexactlywhatIneededin
thatmoment.

Allmyself-doubtsweregone.

Andititsplacewasreliefandthankfulness.

ReliefthatIhadlivedtobreatheanotherday.

AndthankfulnessthatI’dhavegoodfriendsandagood

womanaroundtodoitwith.

***

Laterthatnight

Nikkiwalkedintoherbedroom,glancedatme,and

wentstraighttothebathroom.

Shewasmadatme.

Hell,Iwasmadatme.

I’dleftherthinkingI’dberightback,andshehadn’t

knownwhereI’dgone.Ihadn’tsaidgoodbye.Ididn’t
evenwave.

Shealsohadn’tknownthatmylifehadbeenindanger.

SheonlyfoundouttwohourslaterwhenI’darrived

backatthestationandhadpromptlybeenwhiskedinto
questioningtoanswerashittonofquestions.

I’dbeenputonadministrativeleave,pendingan

investigation,butIknewnothingwouldamounttothat
seeingasIhadLuketobackmeuponehundredpercentof
theway.

Nikkihadbeentoldbyherbrotherwhathadtranspired,

andlet’sjustsaythatshehadn’tbeenhappy.Notevena
littlebit.

WhenI’dgottenoutofquestioning,I’dfoundthatNikki

hadbeentakenhomebyGeorgia.

BythetimeIarrivedhome,itwasfourhourslaterand

pushingteno’clock.

Shehadn’tbeenasleep,though.

Farfromit.

She’dbeensittingonthecouchwatchingthenews.

Whichhappenedtohavemeasthebreakingstory.

“Michael?”Nikkiasked,removinghershirtfromher

body.

Myeyestookinthebountybeforethem.

Nikkihadalwaysbeenbeautiful.

Butrightnow,withthemoonatherbackstreaming

throughtheblinds,andherhairacurlymassfallingdown
herbackanddrapingoverhershoulders,I’dneverthought
shewasmorebeautiful.

Shehadthebeginningsofabelly,andthepinkbelly

buttonpiercinghadastarattachedtoit,restingonthesoft
swell...abellybuttonringI’dneverseenbeforenow.

“Yeahbaby?”Iasked,swallowingtightly.

Thenextthingtogowastheblackbra.

Althoughnothingspecial,itheldupherbreasts

perfectly,placingthemupandtogether,allowingmyeyes
tofeast.

AndwhenNikkilostit,herbreastsbouncedfree,

makingmysemi-harderectionfullblownasalltheblood

rushedtomydick.

Herpantieswerethelastthingtogo.

Whenshebentover,herbreastshung,swinging

enticinglyassheslippedthepantiesfreeofherfeetand
steppedoutofthem,onebyone.

Iaboutlostmyabilitytospeakassheputonekneeinto

thebedandstartedtocrawlupbetweenmylegs,stopping
whenshemetmyhips.

“Makelovetome,”sheordered.

Swallowingthickly,Isatupslowlyandgatheredher

faceintomyhands,placingmylipssoftlyonhers.

“Okay,”Iwhispered,beforebreachingherlipswith

mytongue,curlingminearoundhers.

Shemoanedandleanedforwardintothekiss,giving

meherweight.

Irolledwithheruntilwewereonoursides.

Myhandsstillinplaceagainsthercheeks,Iletoneslip

down,tracingdownhershoulder,curvingaroundher
breasts,followingthelineofhersideuntilitcametoarest
againstthebackofherthigh.

ShemoanedwhenIletmyhandmovefurtherbackto

flattenaroundthecurveofherass,fingersdippingintoher
overheatedcore.

“I’msorry,baby.Ineverdreamedthatwouldhappen,”

Itoldher.

Asobcaughtinherthroatandshekissedmeharder.

“Youscaredtheshitoutofme.Ithoughtyouwere

goingtodie,”shesaiddesperatelybetweenkisses.

Imoanedwhenherhandfoundmythrobbingerection.

“Guideitinsideyou,”Isaid,spreadingthelipsofher

asswithmyfingersandpushingforwardwithmyhips.

Sheangledmycocktolettheheadrestattheentrance

ofhersex,andwebothflexedtowardseachotherthe
momentourskinmet.

Shegaspedintomymouthasmycockfilledhertothe

breakingpoint.

“Youfillmecompletely,”shewhisperedfiercely.

“Don’teverleavemelikethatagain,okay?Alwayssay
goodbye.”

Ipromisedher,andthencontinuedtopromisewithmy

body.Thewaymyhandsranalongherskin.

Thewaymycockthrustinandoutofher.

Ourlovemakingwasslow,steady,andbeautiful.

Somethingwebothneededrightthen.

Andlongminuteslater,whenIfeltherpussystartto

clencharoundmycock,Iletgo,too.

Shootingmyessenceintoherwaitingheat,fillingher

upwithcock,mycome,andmylove.

“Iloveyou,Nikki.Ipromisenottoleavewithout

sayinggoodbye…aslongasyoupromisemesomethingin
return,”Ipantedagainstherlips.

Hereyesopened,andIstaredintoherbeautifulbrown

orbsassheasked,“Whatdoyouwantmetopromise?”

Ileanedforward,ranthetipofmynosealongthe

bridgeofhernose.

“Thatwhenwe’remarried,you’llforgivemelikethis

everytime,”Itoldhersweetly.

Shelaughed,andIrolleduntilshewasonceagainon

top.

Myflesh,thatwasstillseatedinsideofher,startedto

throbonceagainatthenewposition,butwhatshesaidnext
hadmyentirefocus,notthestateofmydick.

“Areyouaskingmetomarryyou,MichaelPerez?”She

smiledhappily.

Herhairspilledoverhershoulders,ticklingmychest.

Ishookmine.“No.”

Hereyes,whichhadbeenhappy,veiledslightly,soI

hurriedlyexplained.

“I’mtellingyouthatyou’remarryingme,”Isaid,

reachingundermypillowtopulloutahotpinkvelvet
coveredboxthatI’dpickedout.

Hereyeswidenedasshewatchedmeopenthebox,

andthencontinuedtowidenasIpulledouttheringforher
andhelditouttoher.

Sheraisedherhand,offeringmeherfinger.

Itfitherperfectly,slidingoverherknuckleandcoming

torestjustright.

“Youwillmarryme,NikkiPena.”Iorderedher.

Sheleanedforwardandplacedherlipsagainstmine.

“Ithoughtyouwerenevergoingtoask,”sheteased.

Ismackedherass,causinghertojumpinsurprise.

Inadvertentlymakingmyhardcockramintohertothe

hilt.

HereyelidsloweredslightlyandIsmiled.

“Notsureabouttheaskingpartyet…It’sjusta

formality.Ionlyexpectoneanswer,andoneansweronly,”
Iinformedher.

Hereyesnarrowed.“IsthiswhatIhavetolook

forwardtofortherestofmylife?Bossiness?”

Igrinned.

“Yeah,that’swhatyouhavetolookforwardto.Plus

lovingallnightlong.Babysittingwheneveryouneedit.A
hugwhenyouwantit.Kissesinthemiddleofthenight.
Gasinyourtank.Yourgroceriesbroughtintothehouse.
Pantsputintothehamper.Steakscookedonthegrill,”I
listedoutmyattributes,purposefullymakingthemsound
reallyenticing.

Shenarrowedhereyes.“It’snotbabysittingifit’syour

ownkids,”shecountered.

Isnorted.“Whateveryousay,darlingmine.”

“Aslongasyouknowthat,I’llmarryyou.”

Ilaughedandrolledwithheronceagain,pushingmy

cockintoherandgrindingmyhipsagainsther.

“I’llrememberthat.”

“Youbetyouwill,bigboy.”

Chapter20

Forfoxsake.

-CoffeeCup

Nikki

“Alright,”Memphissaid,layingontheloungenextto

me.“Howdidweallendupinthispredicament?”

Ilaughed.

Therewasnootherrecourse.

Sevenwomenwereinattendancewithmetoday,and

allbutonewerepregnant.

Georgia,Memphis,Lennox,Mercy,andBlakewereall

indifferentstagesofpregnancy.

Although,Iwasonmyfirstpregnancywhiletherestof

themwereontheirsecond.

SeemedthemenofKilgoreSWATlikedtokeeptheir

womenbarefootandpregnant.

Fightingcrimeduringthedayandmakingbabiesat

night.

Ilaughedandrolledoverontomysidetoface

Memphisandtheotherladies.

Todaywewerehavingaspaday.

Iwasgettingmarriedinlessthanfourhours,andthe

SWATladieswerehavingapamperdaywhilethemendid
somefishing.

“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”Isaid,

runningmyhandovermybelly.

TwomonthshadpassedsinceDoctorStanJoneshad

beenformallychargedforkillingfifteenofficers,their
wives,andthreeofthoseofficers’children.

“Youknowexactlywhatshe’stalkingabout,hoe,”

Georgiasaid,stretchingandwigglinghertoes.

Ismiled.

Yeah,Idid.

“Guessmaybeoneofusneedstolearncontrol,”I

surmised,sighinginappreciationwhenthemanatmyfeet
rubbedaparticularlygoodspotontheheelofmyfoot.

“Hey,InoticedthatDr.Jonesnamewasscrapedoffthe

paintatthedoorthismorningwhenIwenttomy
appointment,”Reesesaidbeforeshetookadrinkofher
Dr.Pepper.Alleyesturnedtohers,andhereyeswidened
inalarm.“I’mnotpregnant!Itwasjustmyyearlypap,I
swear!”

Whenalleyesstayedonher,shehelduptwofingers.

“Scout’shonor.”

“Scout’shonoristhreefingers,nottwo,”Ireplied

helpfully.

“Well,whateveritis,Ijusthadmyyearly.Igotmy

tubestiedafterthelittlehellionarrived,”Reesepromised
solemnly.

Thatwasthetruth.

Hersonwasalittlehellion.Justlikehisdaddy,that

boywas.

“Yeah,theytookhisnameoffofeverything,”Memphis

said.“Printednewbusinesscards.Changedthesignsout
front.Paintedoverthewallwithhisfaceonit.Updated
thewebsite.Anythingwith‘Jones’onitwasprobably
burned.”

Ididn’tdoubtthat.

AfterDr.Joneswaskilled,theyfoundevidencelinking

himtonearlyeverycrimesceneinhishouse.Theclothes
thathewore.Thegunthatheused.Hell,eventhedogthat
hetookwithhim.

Hesurewasarrogant,butintheend,justicewas

servedforthoseofficers,theirwives,andthechildren.

“That’snotasurprise.They’dhadtodoalotofass

kissingtokeepmostoftheirclients.Theonlythingthey
hadgoingforthemwasthattheydominatethearea.We’d
havetodrivetoDallastofindadoctorinournetwork,”I
toldthemall.

Mercymadeasoundofagreement.“Samehere.We’re

usingMiller’sinsurance,andtheywouldn’tacceptanyone
elseunlesswewantedtopaynearlytwiceasmuchforout
ofnetwork.”

Igrimaced.

“Let’schangethesubjecttosomethingbetter.Nikki

doesn’tneedthisonherweddingday,”Blakeyawned
loudly.

Isnickered.

“Tired,Blake?”Iaskedteasingly.

Sherolledherheadinmydirection.“Yes.Thatman

ofminedoesn’tcarethatmyhoursaren’tthesameashis.
Heonlyseesmyassintheairandwantstotouchit.Then
touchingleadstootherthings.AndthenI’mouttwohours
ofsleep.SleepthatIneededbecausehisbabyseemsto
thinkI’masuperhero,demandingallthisenergy,food,and
drink.”

“You’renothavingaboy.Boysarehorrible,”Reese

said,closinghereyesandsmilingfondlyatsomethingonly
shecouldsee.

“Boysaren’thorrible.But,Idofeelfine,”Lennox

said.

Weallrolledoureyes.Lennoxthoughtthateverything

was‘fine.’

Shelovedbeingpregnant…mostlikelybecauseher

firstpregnancywasabreeze,despitethecomplications
fromwhenshewashurtbyaderangedwoman.

Shejusthadnocluehowbadapregnancycouldbe

becauseshewasalwaysfloatingoncloudninewiththe
unicorns,herglowingskin,andampleenergy.

Shewasstillinthe‘Ihaveapositivepregnancytest’

stage.Thestagewhereshewasfloatingonair,andloved
toputonpregnancyclothes.

Clothesshedidn’tneedyet.

“Hey,whatcolorareyoudoing?”Themanbetweenmy

legsasked.

“Purpleandpink,”Isaid.“Alternating.”

Herolledhiseyes.

Pietrowasusedtomyquirks.

I’dbeenseeinghimeverytwoweeksforayearnow.

HeknewallaboutMichael.Knewallaboutmyfamily.

Knewaboutmyloveofcolor.Myjob.Thenewhome
MichaelandIwerebuilding.

Ahomethatshouldbedonevery,verysoon,infact.

“Whydoyoualwaysgetthemuscledguywhohasgood

hands?”Georgiaasked,narrowinghereyes.

Ishrugged.“Ifoundhimfirst.”

“Ladies,ladies.Noneedtofightoverme.I’mjust

loyaltomygirlhere,”heteased.

“Nikkideliveredhisbaby.That’swhyhelovesherso

much,”Georgiainformedtherestoftheladies.

Idid.Hewasmysecondbaby.

Himandhiswife,Trudy,hadbeencontemplatinga

homebirthoverahospitalbirthforoversixmonthsbefore
they’dfinallydecidedtocallmymentor,Annalise,infor
anevaluation.

Andthreemonthslater,I’ddeliveredmysecondchild

everasamidwifewithPietroatmyside.

Twentyminuteslater,Iwasdoneandheadingtogetmy

hairandmakeupdonewhenIwascalledbyourcontractor.

“You’reofficiallydone!”Alexcrowed.

Iscreamed.“Yes!”

Weweren’tsureifit’dbedoneintime,seeingasI’d

beensonitpickyabouteverything.

I’dhadtochoosethetile,thepaint,thestainforthe

woodfloorsinthekitchen,cabinets,countertops.

I’dwantedtobeahugepartofeverything,andIwas.

WhichannoyedthehelloutofMichael.

Hewasallforcustomization,butIdidn’tthinkheknew

whathewasgettingintowhenheofferedmethehugebook

ofpaintchips.

Butheknewnow.

“That’sgreat!”Iexclaimed.“Whatdoyouneedfrom

me?”

“Nothing.Ijustdroppeditalloffatyourparent’s

place.Thekeysareyours,mydear!”Alexinformedme.

Ismiled.“Wonderful.I’msohappy,thankyousomuch,

Alex.”

Afterhangingup,IimmediatelycalledMichael.

“Guesswhat!”Isaid,bouncingupanddownin

excitement.“Theyfinished!”

Michael’ssmooth,deepvoicesentshiversthroughme.

“That’sgood,baby.Hesaidhe’ddoit.”

Iclosedmyeyesandenjoyedthewayitfelttolistento

hisvoice.

Thewayjoyspreadthroughme.ThewayIcouldn’t

waittowrapmyarmsaroundhim.

Myfiancéandsoontobehusband.

“Youcatchinganything?”IaskedafterIcomposed

myself.

“Sun.That’saboutfuckingit,”hegrowled.“Butthat’s

thewayofit,isn’tit?”

Iagreed.Ihatedgoingfishing,justforthesheerfact

thatwenevercaughtanything.

OrmaybewewouldhadIanypatience.

“Well,Ijustwantedtotellyouthat.Gobackto

catchingyoursun,”Isaidsoftly,asPietromadehisway
intotheroomwithhishugepackageofbobbypins,hair
rollers,andotheroddsandendstostartfixingmyhair.

“Okay,baby.Loveyou,”hemurmured.

“Loveyoumore.”

***

ThemomentIsawhimasIwalkeddowntheaisle,a

smileburstovermylips,andmyhandcameuptocovermy
mouth.

“Oh,myGod,”Isaid,turningtoGeorgiawithwide

eyes.

Hereyeswerefilledwithherowntearsoflaughteras

shecaughtalookatmymanaswell.

“Jesus,”Isaid,shakingmyhead.“Whatthehellis

wrongwiththatman?”

Hewasn’tlyingaboutcatchingsun.

Hecaughtawholelotofit.

Georgiasnorted,andmyfathergaveoutastrangled

laughofhisown.

“Let’sgetyoutohim,honey.He’llthinkyoucan’t

handlehimforbetterorforworseifyou’renotcareful.”

Georgiawasthefinalonetoleave,andIwasleftwith

myfather.

“Youlookbeautiful,baby,”hesaidsoftly.

Ismiledathim,seeingthetruthinhiseyes.

“I’mnotgoinganywhere,”Itoldhim.“I’llstillseeyou

everySundayforlunchaftermass.”

Hesmiled.“Iknow.You’rejustmyfirstlittlebirdout

ofthenest,”hesaid,runninghishandovermyhairand
smoothingbackastraycurlthat’dfallenfromapin.

“Nicowasyourfirstlittlebird,”Isaidlaughingly.

Heshrugged.“Nicocantakecareofhimself.You’re

myfirstgirl.Andyou’llnolongerhavemyname.You’re
thefirstbirdI’msettingfree.”

Hugginghimtightly,Ilethimgoandturnedtofacethe

nowcloseddoor.

“Alright,I’mready,”Isaidwithanervoussigh.

“He’llbegoodtoyou,baby.You’vetamedthebeast,”

hesaidbeforetheattendantsopenedthedoorstothe
church.

Ilookedupathim,andIcaughtthefirstflashofa

cameraasitcapturedthemomentforeverintime.

“Iknow.Buthetamedmybeast,too.Let’sdothis.”

Withasmile,heofferedmehisarm,andIplacedmy

handdelicatelyonhissleeve.

“Iloveyou,papa,”Itoldhim.

Heleaneddownandkissedmyforehead.“Loveyou

too,baby.”

Icouldalreadyhearmymothercrying,aswellasmy

bridesmaids.

“Jesus,”myfathersaidindespair.“It’slikeanestrogen

festinhere.It’schokingme.”

Ibroughtmyflowersuptocovermysnortedcoughat

thosewords,andturnedtofacemyfuturehusbandonce
again.

Man,thesewouldbesomehorriblepictures.

ButI’dcherishthemfortherestofmylife.

Wefinallymadeittotheendoftheaisle,andmyeyes

connectedwithMichael’s.

Ibarelycaughtthewordsasthepriestaskedthewords,

“Whogivesthiswomantothisman?”

Myfather’sdeepvoicesaid,“HermotherandIdo,”

andsuddenlyIwasinMichael’sarms.

“Michael,”Isaidtryingnottolaugh.“Whywouldn’t

youwearanysunscreen?”

Heshrugged,grinningunrepentantly.“Iwasjust

worriedaboutwhichfishingpolesIwasgoingtotake.Not
aboutanythinglikesunscreen.”

Iraisedabrowathim.“Whatexactlydidyouexpectto

happen?”

Heshruggedandfellsilentwhentheprieststartedto

giveusablessing.

IlookedshylyatthemanIwassecondsawayfrom

pledgingmylifeto,andIknewthiswouldforeverbeone
ofthebestmemoriesintheworld.

“Iloveyou,Michael,”Isaidsoftenoughsothatonly

hecouldhear.

“Iloveyou,too,”herepliedback,uncaringthatthe

pastorgavehimadirtylook.

Hedidn’thaveanyonetopleaseexceptme,andthe

samewentforme.

Wenolongerwantedtoworryaboutanyonebut

ourselvesandwhatitwouldmeantoeachofus.

Andthat’sthewaywewoulddoitfromnowon.

NobodyneededtoknowwhyMichaelwastattedup

headtotoe.

Becauseweonlylivedbyonemottonow.

Andthatwastoliveandletlive.

***

Fivehourslater

“Michael!I’mtoobig!”IyelledasMichael’shands

wentaroundmywaistasheopenedmydoor.“You’re
goingtohurtyourself.”

Heignoredme,sweepingmeupintohisarmsand

walkingsteadilytowardsthehouse.

“Youforgottoclosethedoortothetruck,”Isaid

lightly,wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneckandleaningmy
headagainsthisface.

“I’llgetitlater,”hemurmured.

“Later…liketomorrowlater…orlaterlikelaterthis

nightlater?”Iteased.“Becauseweliveinthewoodsnow.
There’snotellingwhat’llbeinthetruckcomemorning.”

MichaelknewIwasright.

He’dhadthisnewhouseofoursbuiltintheboonies

withabsolutelynothingaround.Literally,theclosestWal-
Martwasfortyminutesaway,ifthattellsyouanything.

“Fuck,”hegrowled,turningonhisheelsandwalking

backtohistruck.

“Youcouldputmedown,”Isuggestedlightlywhena

lightsheenofsweatstartedtodotalonghisbrow.

“I’mfine,Nik.Quitworrying,”hemutteredjustbefore

slammingthetruckdoorclosedwithhisbootcoveredfoot.

Itslammedclosedwithaboneshatteringthudandhe

turnedonhisheeltoheadbacktowardsthehouse.

“Youreallydon’tlookfine,”Isaidlaughingly.

“Nikki,”hegaveme‘thelook.’“I’mfine.Icanbench

pressthreehundredandfiftypoundsandsquattwicethat.
Trustme,I’mokay.”

“Youcansquatsevenhundredpounds?”Iasked

skeptically.

“Yes,”heanswered.

“Withyourlegs?”Icountered.

Heshotmealook,andIshutup.

Therewasnowayhecouldsquatsevenhundred

pounds.Thatwasunheardof.

Hewasinagoodmood,though,soIwouldn’tpester

himaboutit…today.

“Howareyougoingtogetthedooropen?”Iasked

oncehereachedthefrontdoor.

Asetofkeysfellintomylapfromwherehe’dtossed

themfromhishandacrossmyback.

“It’sthepinkkey,”hesaid,asmileinhisvoice.

Itwasindeedpink.Withpurpleflowersonit.

Iassumedthatonewasmine,butwhatever.

“Whydidn’twejustgointhroughthegarage?”Iasked

whileIunlockedthedoor.

Hegrunted.

“BecauseI’msupposedtocarryyouoverthethreshold.

Itdoesn’tworkthesamewayifIcarryyouthroughthe
garage,”hemuttered,soundingslightlybreathless.

“Okay,”Isaidslowly,drawingthewordout.

“Whateveryousay,mydear.”

HepinchedmyassjustasIswungthedooropen,

causingmetojumpandsqueak,followedbyhimcursing.

“Hurryupandcarrymeoverbeforeyoubreakyour

back,”Isquealed.

“I’mnotgoingtodropyou!”Heroared.

Ihadtosmotheralaughasthemomenthewalked

throughthedoor,heunceremoniouslydroppedmetomy
feetandwalkedofftowardsthekitchen.

“Hey!”Isaidindignantly.“Youweresupposedtocarry

meuptoourroomandravishme!”

Wasn’tthathowitworkedinmovies?

Myhusbandmustnothavegottenthememo.

“Whereareyougoing?”Iasked,followingbehindhim.

“Togetsomethingtoeat.Thatdinnerwesupposedly

hadwasshit,”Iheardhimmutterfrominfrontofme.

IsmiledasIranmyhandsoverthewalls.

Theywerebeautifullydone.

Aswerethefloorsandceilings.

We’dgonemore‘homeandcountry’ratherthan

modern.

Wewantedourhousetobewarmandinviting,andour

contractoraccomplishedthattoaT.

WhenIbreachedthedoortothekitchen,Ifound

Michalstandingatthefridgewithhisheadstuckinit.

“Wedon’thaveanyfoodinthere,”Imuttered.“What

doyouthinkyou’regoingtofind?”

Hebackedoutofthefridgewithturkey,cheese,

mustard,pickles,lettuce,tomatoes,andmayo,causingmy
browstoshootuptomyhairline.

“Where’dthatcomefrom?”Iaskedinsurprise.

Heshrugged.

“IfIhadtoguess,yourparentsormine.Whatever,I

don’tcare.I’mjustgladthere’sfood.Ican’tbelieveyou
expectedmetoliveonsolittle,”hemuttered.

Hewasright.

Thefoodwe’dhadcateredhadranoutbecauseI

hadn’tpreparedforthesheeramountoffoodthatallof
Michael’sfriendswouldeat.

Turnsout,musclesrequiredabouttwicetheproteinof

anormalfullgrownadult.

Whoknew?

“Makemeone?”Iasked,poutingmylipforadded

bonus.

Hegavemealookthatclearlysaid,‘Whatdoyoutake

meas?’

SoIraisedmyhandsupinaplacatinggestureand

walkedaroundthecounter.

“Loveyou,MikeyMike,”Isaidbeforekissinghis

cheekandpattinghisass.

Hetossedmeanotherlookbeforekissingmyupturned

lips.

“Whydoyouinsistoncallingmethatallofasudden?”

Heaskedwithamusement.

Ishruggedandcircledthecounteronceagaintoleave

theroom.

“Icouldcallyouhubbynow,Iguess,”IsaidjustasI

wasleavingtheroom.

“That’snotanybetter!”Heyelledatmyback.

IsnickeredasImademywayaroundthehouse,

checkingtoseeifeverythingIwantedwasuptopar.

Itwas.

Thefurniturehadbeendeliveredwhilewewere

gettingmarried,andwhiletherestofuswerecelebrating
atthereception,mysisterscameoverhereandmadethe
beds,andIassumedbroughtoverafewstaplesforus.

God,Ilovedthem.

EspeciallywhenIcrossedthethresholdofourroom

andsawthebedalreadymade,readyformytiredbodyto
crawlintoit.

WhichwaswhatIdid.

Fallingasleepnearlyinstantaneously.

***

Michael

“Nikki,”Isaid,lookingaroundtheroomformywife.

“Here’syoursandwich….”

ItrailedoffasIspottedhercurleduparoundapillow.

Shehadhalfthecomfortercoveringher,seeingasshe

waslayingonit,causingmetosmile.

GuessI’dbesleepingwiththesheettonight.

NotthatIhadn’tgottenusedtoit.

IlovedsleepingwithNikki,althoughshedidmovea

lot.

I’dhadtosleepafewtimesduringthedaywhenshe

wasgone,sinceI’dhadalateshift,andI’dsleptlikecrap.

Placingthesandwichonthenightstand,Iwenttothe

bathroom,strippedoutofmypolicedressblues,and
brushedmyteeth.

Turningthelightoff,Iwalkedslowlytothebed,

relishingatthewaythenewcarpetfeltbetweenmytoes
beforeIflippedoffthelamp,tuggedthecordattheceiling
fan,andplungedtheroomintodarkness.

Icrawledintobedcarefully,asnottowakeNikki,

thoughIshouldn’thavebothered.

NothingwokeNikkianymoreshortofafreighttrain

barrelingdownonus.

Shesleptanywhere.

Inthecar.

Inmyofficechair.

Halfwaythroughdinner.

Itwasactuallyquiteendearing.

AsIsettledaroundher,curlingherintomybodyas

bestasIcould,Iclosedmyeyesandsaidmyprayers.A
nightlyritualthatIwouldrepeatfortherestofmylife.

ThankyouGod,formywifeandunbornchild.

Chapter21

TheonlykidsIwantareSourpatch.

-Nikkiduringthethroesoflabor

Nikki

“Alright,Jasmine.Whenyoufeeltheneedtopush,I

wantyoutobeardown,bringyourkneesuptoyourchest,
andpushdownfromyourbottom.Almostlikeyou’redoing
number…”Sheheldupherhandtostopme.

Jasminenoddedmiserably.“Idon’tknowwhyyoulet

mesaynodrugs.Ilikedrugs.”

Ismotheredmysmileandstartedlayingoutsheets.

Mybig‘olbellywasintheway,buttherewasnothing

Icoulddoaboutthat.

I’dbeenamarriedwomanforalittleoverfourmonths,

andIwasninemonthspregnant.

Ourlittlegirlwouldbehereverysoon,anditwas

timeslikethis,withotherwomengivingbirthtotheirown
littlemiracles,thatIstartedtofeelenvyforthem.

IfeltlikeI’dbeenpregnantforforever!

“Ineedtopoop!”Jasmineyelledinalarmafew

momentslater.

Ismotheredanothersmileandmovedclosertoheron

mystool.

“That’stheurgetopush.Baredown,”Iinstructed.

Shenarrowedhereyesatme.“ButwhatifI…”

Shegesturedwithherhands.

Iwavedadismissivehand.“Shithappens.”

Sheburstoutlaughing,butthen,justassuddenly,she

startedtoscreamasshecurledaroundherbellyandgaveit
allshehad.

Myownstomachcrampedrightalongwithhers.

“Okay,onemorepushandtheheadshouldbe

delivered,”ItoldJasmine.“Tony,doyouwanttocome
catchthebaby?”

Tonyshookhisheadfrantically.

Likeallfirsttimefathers,hewasanervouswreck,and

anythingdealingwithchildbirthwasaveryscaryordealto
him.

“Alright,wellit’suptoyou,Jasmine.Showmewhat

yougot…”

***

Twohourslater

“Pickup,pickup,pickup,”IchantedtomyphoneasI

calledMichaelonceIwasleavingJasmineandhernewest
addition.

Yougotmyvoicemail,leaveamessage.

“Fuck!”Isaid,walkingquicklytomycarbeforeit

happenedagain.

‘It’beingthoseregularpainsthatsignaledthatI,

myself,wasabouttohavemyownbaby.

I’dbeenhavingthemonandoffalldaylong,butit’d

onlybeensinceJasminestartedtopushthattheybeganto
becomeregularandconsistent.

Atleastmywaterhadn’tbrokenyet.

Although,thatwasn’tagoodindicationofprogress.

Thereweresomewomenthatwentallthewayupto
deliverybeforetheirwaterbroke.

MynextcallwastoDoctorMead,myOB/GYN.

Orhisoffice,anyway.

AlthoughIdidhavehishomenumber,I’dplaythegood

littleinlabormomandcalltheofficelikeeveryoneelse
wasinstructedtodooncetheywereinlabor.

“”Hello?”Aboredwoman’svoicecameoverthe

speakersinmycar.

“ThisisNikkiPerez,I’minlabor,”Isaidalittle

breathlessly.

Anotherpainhadconsumedme,andIhadtopullthe

carovertoavoidwrecking.

“Howdoyouknowyou’reinlabor?”Thewoman

askedwithannoyance.

Iclenchedthesteeringwheelandsaidthrough

clenchedteeth.“BecauseI’mhavingregularcontractions,
andIgobreathlesseachtimeonehits.Now,relaythe
message.”

“Whatdidyousayyournamewasagain?”Thewoman

askedsnottily.

Thepainfinallyloosenedit’sgriponmyuterus,andI

startedmovingforwardagain.

IknewI’dgetagoodtwominutesofreprieve,which

mightgetmeallthewaytotheERbeforeIhadanother.

“NicolePerez,butmymaidennameisPena.

Sometimestheyhavetopullitupunderneaththat,”Itold
her,pullingaroundanoldwomangoingfiftyinhermaroon
LincolnTowncar.

“Ifoundit,Dr.Meadisn’toncalltoday,Dr.Shepherd

is.I’lltransferyouto…”

Iinterruptedher.

“No,callDr.Mead.Thereshouldbeanoteinmy

chart.MyhusbandrefusestohaveanyonebutDr.Mead
takecareofme.Trustme,hewon’tletDr.Shepherdtouch
meifyoucallher,”Iexplainedquickly,excitedtoseethe
redandbluesignthatdenotedtheemergencyentranceof
theemergencyroomupahead.

Iturnedintothelotandparkedbeforethenextpainhit.

“I’lltry,butthat’snotprotocol.Hewon’tevenanswer

ifit’snotanemergency…”

Ihunguponher.

“Fuckit,”Ipanted,pullingupDr.Meadinmycontacts

andpressingdial.

“ThisisDr.Mead,”heansweredthreeringslater.

“ThisisNikkiPenaPerez.I’vegoneintolabor.I’mat

theERrightnow,”Itoldhimquickly.

“I’llberightthere.TellthedoctorsI’llbetherein

twentyminutesorless,”hesaidquickly.

“10-4,”Iagreedandhungupmyownphone.

IgrabbedmypurseandbailedoutofmycarbeforeI

triedcallingMichaelagain.

Luckily,thistime,heanswered.“Yeah?”

Hewasbreathless.

“I’minlabor,”Ipanted,hoofingitallthewaytothe

ERdoorsbeforeanotherpainnearlytookmyfeetoutfrom
underme.

“Whereareyou?”Heaskedsharply.

“TheER,”Itoldhim,happythatmycontractionhad

leftme,butunhappybecauseanotheronewasrightonits
heels,whichmeantthatIwasgettingclosertodelivery.
“I’mlessthanaminuteapart.”

SomethingwhichIprovedmomentslaterwhenanother

contractionslammedintome.

Thistime,IreallydidhavetogotomykneesbecauseI

wassureifIdidn’t,Iwouldfallonmyface.

“Ma’am,areyoualright?”Awoman’svoicecalled

fromthedoorway.

IlookedupintoLennox’sfamiliareyes.

“No,I’mprettysureI’mhavingthisbaby,andmy

assholeisn’thereyet,”Itoldher.

ThenacommotionfromtheER’sentrancestartledus

bothenoughthatwelookeduponlytoseeMichaelrunning
outwithabandagecoveringhiseye.

“Michael!”Iscreamed,panickednowthatmyeyes

caughtsightofallthebloodstaininghisshirt.

Michaeldroppeddowntohiskneesbesideme,

gatheringmeintohisstrongarmsashesaid,“I’mokay.”

“Isn’tthatsomethingIshouldbesayingtoyou?”I

asked,raisingmyhandtolookatthewoundbeingcovered
bythebandage.

Hegrimacedandhelpedmestandbyputtingbotharms

underneathmine.

“Suspectknockedmeovertheheadwithawrench,”he

explained.“Nowtellmeaboutyou.”

Ipantedasanotherpainhitmeandsaid,“I’mhaving

yourbaby.”

Helaughed.

“Generally,that’swhatlaborusuallyindicates,”he

teasedashehelpedmetoawheelchairthatLennoxpushed
out.

“Youhavetheentireemergencyroominanuproar,

littlelady,”LennoxcrowedassheheldthechairasIsat.

“Why?”Iaskedwithworry.

WhathadIdonetowarrantsuchareaction?

“Michaelherehaseveryonescaredashellofhim.

Somethingheprovedweeksagowhenhetoldthecharge
nursethat,undernocircumstance,wasanyonebuthis
parents,him,Dr.Meadormetotouchyouwhenyougo
intolaborwithouthimbeingintheroom.Nottomention

hethreatenedthem,”Lennoxlaughed.“Soguesswhoyour
personalhelperwillbeuntilDr.Meadarrives!”

Ishotmyhusbandalook,butheshruggedasifhecould

carelesswhateveryonethoughtofhim.

“Please,ignorehim.Hewon’tbotheranybody,”I

shookmyhead.“Plus,we’reheadinguptoLaborand
Deliveryanyway.Sowe’llneverevenseeanybodyinthe
emergencyroom.How’dyougettoleavetheERforthis?”

“ThankGod,”Lennoxsaidasshewalkedwithmeto

theelevators.“Igottohelpbecauseyourhusbanddecided
tohaveatalkwithmyboss.Sheagreed,sohereIam!”

Ijustshookmyheadandclosedmyeyesasanother

painwashedoverme.

“Anotherone?”Michaelasked,lookingdownathis

watch.

Inodded,toobreathlesstospeak.“Yeah.”

“Aminuteandahalfapart.Epiduralornoepidural?”

Heasked.

Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtoblockoutthepain…butI

couldn’t.

Whichansweredthequestionheaskedratherquickly.

We’dbeenfightingovertheepiduralornoepidural

questionformonthsnow,andI’dtoldhimthatI’dhaveto

waitandsee.

He’dinsistedonabirthplan,andI’dshookmyhead,

tellinghimthatbabiesdidwhattheywantedto.Therewas
norhymeorreason.Nowoman’spregnancywasthesame,
andIcouldn’tbaseabirththathadn’thappenedyetona
hunch.

Now,Iwassure.

“Epidural,”Iinsistedthroughgrittedteeth.

Ifeltlikemyuteruswastryingtoforceitswayoutof

myvagina.

God,ithurt.

AndIwassurethatMichaelwasonlygettingonekid,

becausethismotherfuckin’hurt.

“Onekid,Michael.Youbetterenjoythisone,”I

informedhim.

Hesmiled.“We’llsee.”

“No,wewon’t.Wereallywon’t.I’llneverbeableto

forgethowthisfeels.It’slikerazorbladestearingthrough
myuterus,andapairofneedlenoseplierstryingtoripthe
spasmingorganoutthroughmycun…”Michaelslapped
hishandovermymouthastheelevatordoorsopened.

I’dbeenscreaming,andapparentlyhedidn’twantme

toscream‘cunt’ingeneralpopulation.

Lennoxhadnoproblemlaughingherassoff,

consequentlyforgettingshewassupposedtobepushingmy
wheelchair.

Michael,exasperated,tookoverthejobandpushedme

tothenurse’sstationwheretheyimmediatelygaveusa
room.

“What?Didyouthreatenthem,too?”Iaskedwitha

narrowedeyedlookovermyshoulder.

Michaelsmiled.“You’llneverknow.”

Irolledmyeyes.

Themanwasincorrigible,andhecouldn’thelphimself

sometimes.

“Areyougoingtoletanyofthenursestakecareof

me?”Iaskeddryly.“You’rehorrible.”

Michaelhelpedmeintothebedoncehe’dlockedthe

wheelchair’swheels,andIsighedinrelieftohavemyfeet
up.

“Yeah,asamatteroffact,heis!”Hannahcrowedas

shecameintotheroom.

Irolledmyeyes.“Youknow,it’sreally,reallyweirdto

haveyoursisterinlaw’shandsupyourcooch.”

Hannahsmiled.“We’realladultshere.Ifyoucan

handleit,Icanhandleit.”

Ijustshookmyhead.“Ihaven’tseenyouonthisfloor

inawhile.Howperfectthatyou’reonshifttoday,”Isaid
dryly.

Hannahgrinned.“Inreality,Iwasn’tsupposedtobeon

thisfloortoday.ButI’mscheduledonthisfloorforthe
timebeinguntilyou’rebackfrommaternityleave.”

Shegavemeapointedlookthatsaidshe’dknown

whereIwastoday.SomethingI’dtoldherbutnotmy
husband.

Iblushed.

Iwassupposedtobeonmaternityleave.

ButwhenJasminehadbeggedmetocontinueseeing

heronceI’dgraduatedschool,Icoulddonothingless.

EvenifitmeantIhadtodeliverherkidwhileIwasin

laborwithmyown.

SomethingMichaelhadn’trealizedI’ddoneyet,since

I’dleftwhilehewasatworkandconvenientlyforgotto
tellhim.

“That’scool,”Isaid,changingthesubject.

“Alright,Hannah,checkheroutsowecanseewhere

we’reat,”Michaelordered.

Hannahshothimadisprovinglook.“Iknowhowtodo

myjob,boyo.”

Hisbrowsrose.“You’vebeentalkingtoPeek.”

Hannahgrinnedandlifteduphershirttorevealher

bellytous.

She’dgottenatattooofReggie’snameonherlower

hipboneinbold,beautifulscriptedletters.

“Wow,that’sawesome,”LennoxandIparrotedatthe

sametime.

Michaelsmiled.“Ithurt,didn’tit.Itoldyounottogo

therewithyourfirsttattoo.”

Hannahshrugged.“Hurtlikeamotherfucker.ButPeek

gavemeashotofJackDaniel’stotidemeover.Andkept
themcominguntilitwasdone.WhenIleftIcouldbarely
stand.Hadtocallacabtotakemehome.”

Igaspedasanothercontractiontorethroughme,

bringingeveryone’sattentionbacktome.

“Alright,youknowthedrill,”Hannahpickedupa

gownandtosseditatMichael.“Helpherinthat,and
we’llstepoutsidethecurtains.Letusknowwhenyou’re
done…andwhatthefuckhappenedtoyourface?”

Icoughedtocoverupmylaugh.

She’djustnownoticedthatafterbeingintheroomwith

himfortenminutes?

Michaelignoredherandswungthecurtainsclosed

himselfbeforewalkingovertome.

“Youreadyforthis?”Heaskedsoftly,hiseyestaking

inmyeveryfeature.

Inoddedandstartedtostripmyshirtovermyhead,

followedbymysportsbra.

Michael’seyesflaredashecaughtsightofmyswollen

bellyandbigbreasts,butmanagedtostandstillasIstood
andpushedmymaternityyogapantsovermyhips,
followedcloselybymypanties.

Iofferedhimmyhands,andheslippedthegownon

overmychest,coveringmynakednesswithoutonelewd
touchorcomment.

Hemustreallybescared,Ithought.

Whichstoodtoreason.

Iwasscaredto.

Reallyscared.

ButthethingaboutMichaelandmewasthatwe’dboth

gonethroughhelltogether,andhadcomeouttheotherside.

Wehadourscars.

Wehadourdoubts.

Butwealsohadeachother,andaslongasIhadhimat

myside,wecouldgetthroughjustaboutanything.

“Iloveyou,MikeyMike,”Iwhispered,knowingit’d

drawasmilefromhim.

Andhedidn’tdisappoint.

Hesmiled,eyessparkling.

“Iloveyoumore,Nik.”

“Impossible,”Iwhisperedfiercely.

“Nothing’simpossiblewhenitcomestoyou.You

showedmethat,”hesaidjustbeforepressinghissoftlips
againstmine.“Youreadyforthis?”

Inoddedandtouchedthesideofthebandagecovering

uptherightsideofhisforehead.

“Haveyouhadthistakencareof?”Iasked,feeling

anotherpaincoming.

Henodded.“Tenstitches.”

Iwinced.

Notonlybecausethatwasalotofstitches,butbecause

itfeltlikethischildofourswastryingtoclawitswayout
ofmyvaginalikeatinyHulk.

“Epidural,”Iinsisted.

Hesmiledandhelpedmesitbackdownbeforeyanking

thecurtainsopen.

LennoxandHannahturnedfromtheirdiscussion,

hurryinguptomybedside.

“Alright,laybackandletmefeelyouup.”

IcoveredmyfacewithmyhandasHannahsnapped

glovesintoplaceoverherhands.

“Sitback,I’lltrytomakethisgood.”

IhuffedoutalaughasImoveduntilIwasflatonmy

back,movingmyenormousbeachedwhalebodyuntilI
wasinposition,thenslowlyopenmylegs.

Hannahdidn’twasteanytimedoingherthing,andI

wasgrateful.

“Youknow,”Lennoxsaidfromherpositonbymyhead.

“I’veneverseenapregnantwomansocalmbefore.”

Ididn’tsayanythingtothat.

Iwasfreakingthefuckout.

Michael,though,didn’tneedthatfromme.

Iwassurehewasalreadynervousenough,andIdidn’t

wanthimtoregrethavingakid.

Hedidn’tneedyetanotherinsecurity,andIwouldn’t

betheonetogiveittohim.

“DoyourememberwhatIdoforaliving?”Ipanted.

“You’reatsixcentimetersandfiftypercenteffaced.

Doinggood.Youcanstillhaveanepidural,butI’d

recommendmakingthatdecisionquickly,”Hannahsaid,
takingmygownandcoveringmyknees.

Lennoxsattheheadofthebedup,andIlookedto

Michaeltoseehimstaringatthewall.

“Whatisit?”Iaskedhim.

“Ican’ttellyouhowdisturbingitistoseemysister’s

fingersupyour…youknow,”Michaelinformedme.

Ismiledathim.

“You’rebetteratit,ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter.”

Hemadeagaggingsound.“Disgusting.”

IsnickeredasHannahtossedherusedglovesinthe

trashandwashedherhands.“I’llgogettheoncall
anesthesiologist.We’llgetyourshitknockedrightout.”

“Shouldshebetalkinglikethat?”Iasked,eyesclosed

asItriedtobreathethroughmynextcontraction.
“Motherfucker,thishurtslikeabitch!”

Theroomstayedsilentforlongmomentswhilemy

questionandsubsequentcommenthungthereintheair
aroundus.

“What?”Iasked,openingmyeyestosquintatMichael.

Hejustshookhishead.“Nothing.”

Lennoxbusiedherselfhookingupthemonitor,starting

anIV,anddrawingbloodwhileMichaelandIwatchedthe

screentomonitormyprogress.

“Thatwasabigone,”Michaelsaidafewminutes

later.

Igrunted.

Iknewitwasa‘bigone.’

SimplybecauseI’dfeltthemotherfucker.

ButItriedtobeniceaboutit.

“Uh-huh,”Iagreedtiredly.

ThenMichaelandLennoxstartedtalkingaboutmedical

jargonthatwastooadvancedformyexhaustedbrainto
process,soIignoredthemandtriedtosleepduringmy
contractions.

SomethingIrealizedwasn’tworkingverywell.

Especiallysincetwoofmyfavoritepeopleinthe

world,undernormalcircumstances,wouldn’tshutthefuck
up.

“Goaway,”Imuttered.

Thetalkingstopped,andIorderedmyhusbandtodo

mybidding.

“Gocallyourfamilyandmine.Letthemknowwhat’s

goingon.Andstoptalkingovermybody.It’sannoying,”I
orderedthem.

Michaelchuckledashebentdownandkissedmy

forehead.“Yes,ma’am.”

“Okay,Nikki.ThisisAmyJones,thenurseanesthetist.

She’sgoingtodoyourepiduralforyou.ThisisEddie
Gonzales,he’stheanesthesiologistthatsheworksunder.
They’reheretoansweranyquestionsyoumighthave.
Okay?”

Michaelfrozeonhiswayoutthedoor,butthenI

startedhavinganothercontraction.

“Getoutsoshecandoherjob,”Iorderedmyornery

husband.

Amy’seyesfollowedMichael’sprogress,brows

raisingtoseewhathe’ddo.

Michaelchosecorrectly,though.

Heofferedhishandtothetwoofthem,said,“I’m

goingtocallmyfamily,”andlefttheroom.

“EddieandAmy,”Hannahsaid.“Isthereanythingyou

needfromme?Ihaveanotherpatientthat’sinthefinal
stagesofpushing.”

AmyshookherheadwhenEddielookedather.“No,

that’sall,thankyou.”

IknewEddie,andthemomentHannahlefttheroomhe

walkedtomybedside.

“Youreadyforthisrodeotogetstarted?”Heasked

teasingly.

Eddielovedtoteaseme.

Weworkedwelltogether,tradingbarbsbackandforth

liketwochildreninaplayyardbattle.

HelovedtheYankees,andIwasaTexasRangersfan

alltheway.Whichtendedtomakeusbuttheadsfromtime
totime.

“Well,Iwasallreadytohaveyouteasingmewhile

givingmetheepidural,”Igrunted,toescurlingwhenthe
nextpainhitme.“ButIguesssinceyou’retoogoodforme
I’llsettleforMs.Amy.”

Amydidn’tsmile,butEddiedid.

“IhaveaC-sectionwithtripletsinaboutfifteen

minutes.I’msorry,butshe’scoolerthanyouare,”he
admittedopenly.

Ilaughed.“Yeah,that’swhattheyallsay.”

Hewinked.“I’llcheckbackinwithyoulater.”

Inoddedandwatchedhimleavetheroom.

AsmyfaceturnedtoAmy,Iwasimmediatelystruck

withjusthowdifferentshelookednowthatEddiewasout
oftheroom.

LikeDr.JekyllandMr.Hydedifferent.

“Youokay?”Iaskedherworriedly.

Shewalkedtothedoorandcloseditslowly.

“Don’tyouneedanurse?”Iasked.“Andyourstuff?”

Shedidn’tanswerasshedrewthecurtainandturned

backtome,walkingtowardsmewithanewpurposethat
setmyinstinctsonedge.

“Yourmanfuckedup,”thewomanwhisperedtome.

“You’dthinkwithhowcautioushewasbeingwiththe
doctorsthathe’dpayalittlemoreattentiontowhowas
abouttoinjectallsortsoffundrugsintoyourspinal
column.”

Ilookedathernametagandrealizedwithasinking

feelingthatshehadthesamelastnameasDr.Jones.

HernamewasAmyJones.

Wifeordaughter?

Icouldn’ttell.

AndwhyhadIneverseenherbefore?

Iworkedonthisfloor,anditwaskindofarulethatI

saweveryoneonitseeingasIwasamidwife.Itwasgood
businesstoknowmycolleagues.

“Don’tyoumeanmyepiduralspace?”Iasked

worriedly.

Myhandsweresweaty,andmythighsquiveredasI

preparedtolaunchmyselffromthebed.

OnlybeforeIcould,AmyJonesproducedagun.

“Don’tmove,”shehissed.“Idon’treallyneedyour

cooperation.IthinkI’lljustdoitthequickway.”

Mybodyfroze.

“There’soxygeninthisroom,nottomentionmy

husbandisrightoutside,”Itriedtoreasonwithher.
“Surelyyouknowthatyou’llnevergetoutofthis
unscathed.”

Sheshrugged.

“Idon’treallycare.Atthispoint,Ijustknowyouneed

tobegone,aswellashim,beforeIgo.You’llbemyfinal
couple.Howdoesitfeel?”Shesaidsoothingly,bringing
theIVtubingthatwasgoingintomyrighthanduptoher
stomach.

Icouldseethesyringeinherhand,andknewshewas

abouttogivemesomething.

WhichwaswhyIyankedmyhandtothesidehardand

quick,rippingtape,hair,andskinasIforcefullyremoved
thecatheterfrommyvein.

Sheglaredatmedisapprovinglyandshookthegunat

meforemphasis.

“Itoldyounottofuckingmove!”Shewhispered

forcefully.

Imoved.

Icouldn’thelpit.

Itwasn’tinmetolaybackandtakewhatwascoming

forme.

“Hey,IjustgotwordfromDr.Mead.He’llbeherein

justafewminutes.Hegotheldupbyatrainon18…”
Lennox’svoicetrailedoffasshegotaloadofthesituation
she’dwalkedinon.

Shelookedtome,thenbacktoAmybeforeraisingher

handsupnearherhead.“Don’tshoother.”

Amykeptthegunpointedatme,butshewasglaringat

Lennox,whichwaswhysheneversawmemovecloseto
theemergency‘codeblue’cordandyankitfromthewall.

Thealarminmyroomstartedtoshriek.

Andpeoplepouredinside.

Nurses,doctors,techs.Michael.

Thesheeramountofpeoplethat’denteredtheroom

hadoverwhelmedAmy,butshewassmartandputthegun
awaybeforeanyonecouldseeher.

Michael’seyesfellonme,andIstartedtoscream.

“Shehasagun!”

Amywasquick,though.

Usingthecommotiontoheradvantage,sheran,skirting

pastmultiplenurseswhowerestandingtherestunned.

Michael,though,wasn’tstunned.

Farfromit.

Hewasfollowingheroutthedooralmostasquicklyas

she’dleftit.

Lennoxwalkeduptome,placingatoweltothewound

atmyhandthatIjustnowrealizedwaspouringbloodonto
thefloor.

“You’reamess,”shewhisperedsoothingly.

Asobcaughtinmythroat,andthepainthatI’d

somehowbeenabletodisregardinthisentiredebaclehit
meagaintenfold.

“God,”Islumped.

Lennoxcaughtmeandmovedmetowardsthebed,and

Iwentwillingly.

“You’rehand’samess,”shesaid,eyesscanningthe

wound.

Inodded.“Yep.”

“Ishould’vedonewhatMichaelwantedandnotgotten

theepidural.Thenwewouldn’tbeinthismessrightnow,”
Isaidworriedly.

Lennoxstartedtocleanoffmyhandwithanalcohol

swab.

WhichwasridiculoussinceIneededalotmorethanan

alcoholpadtocleanupthismess.Maybeatowelor
something.

ThenIforgotallaboutthemessI’dmadeandstarted

focusingonthemassacrethatwashappeningbetweenmy
legs.

Itburned,butitdidn’thurtanywherenearasbadas

everythingelseattachedtomybody.

“IfeellikeIneedtopush,”Isaidworriedlyafew

momentslater.

Lennoxlookedupintomyeyes.

“Yourdoctor’snothereyet,”shesaidworriedly.

Iclosedmyeyes.

“Alright,”Hannahyelled.“Thisisn’tanexhibit.

Everyoneout.”

“Butthatpsycho’sgotagun!”Anursereplied

worriedly.

Iwantedtorollmyeyes.

AndIwouldhavehadInotbeenworriedthatImight

suddenlymakeabigmoveandthebabywouldfalloutof
myvagina.

“Ireally….reallyneedtopush,”Iurgedinsistently,

rippingtheblanketsthatLennoxhadjustreplaced,offmy
legs.“Eitherbackofforcatchthisbaby,becauseit’sabout
tohappen.”

HannahshooedouttherestofthepeopleandLennox

andherstaredatmewithworriedeyes.

“I’veneverdeliveredababybefore,”Lennoxsaid

helplessly.

“She’sinthecustodyofthepolice,”Michaelgrowled,

throwingopenthedoorandslammingitshutbehindhim.It
tookhimafewmoments,butitwasn’tlongbeforehe
realizedthatmyvaginawasoutforeveryonetosee.
“What?”

Ipointeddowntomyvagina.“Yourbabywantsmeto

push.”

Heshookhishead.“Dr.Meadisn’thereyet.”

IfIcouldhave,Iwouldhavebeatenhim.

“Wellyoutellthattothiskid!”Iscreamed.

Michael’seyeswidenedwhensomethingbetweenmy

legscaughthiseyes,andImovedmyhanddownbetween
mylegsandfeltsomethingthatmostdefinitelyhadn’tbeen
therebefore.

“I’mcrowning,”Isaidtothethreeofthem.

IwishedI’dhadacameratocapturethelooksonthe

threeoftheirfaces.

“Oneofyouneedtocomeoverhereandplaycatcher,

oryouneedtogogetadoctor.Now,”Iorderedthem.

Still,noneofthemmoved.

Adoctor.APA.Andanurse.

Andallthreeofthemstaredatmewithblankfaces.

Ican’tbelieveIwashavingtodothisallmyself!

Mybodystartedtodowhatitwasmadetodo,and

soonIcoulddonothingbutpushandhopetheygotwiththe
game.

Becauseseriously,itfuckinghurt!

“Ahhhh!Michaelgetyourfuckingheadoutofyourass

andcatchthisfuckingkid!”Iscreamed.

Michaelfinallycameunstuckandputhisdoctorhat

on…oratleasthisthinkingcapanyway.

Hemovedbetweenmylegs,thenaskedthestupidest

questiononearthatthatpoint.

“ShouldIputongloves?”

Iwould’vekickedhimhadInotbeenholdingontomy

legs.

Instead,Iclosedmyeyes,pushed,anddaydreamed

aboutshootingourkidoutofmyvaginaandhittinghim
withher.

Whichseemedgoodintheory,butprobablynotgood

forreal.

Myminddidn’treallycareatthatpoint.

“Howcomenobodywaitedforyourfamilytoarrive…

ahhhh!Myeyes!”Nicoscreamed,coveringhiseyesashe
gotagoodlookatmyvagina.

Iwouldbeembarrassed…later.

Rightnow,Icouldn’tmusteruptheabilitytocare,

though.

“Moveoutoftheway,hijo.I’vegottogetinthere!”

Mymotheryelled.

Ididn’tlookathereither.

Icouldn’t.

MyeyeswereonMichaelashedidthingsbetweenmy

legsthatIhopedheandIcouldbothforgetlateron.

ThenIsweartoyou,hestuckhishandintomyvagina

andIsawstars…andnotthegoodkind.

“Owww!Whattheeverlovingfuck,Michael!”I

shrieked.

“Thecordwasaroundherneck,”herumbledsoftly.

“Allbetternow.Pushagainwhenyoufeelthenext

contraction.”

Ipushedagainatthenextcontraction.Butnotbecause

he’dsaidto.BecauseIneededto.Mybodywouldn’tlet
menotdoit.

“Owww,ow,ow,ow,ow,”Ichantedoverandover

again.

“Wouldyougrowthefuckup,Nico?”Georgiaasked,

shovinghimoutofthedoorwaywherehewasstill
coveringhiseyesandfacingtheoppositedirectionofme
andmy‘big‘olvagina.’

Georgiacametomysideandsweptmyhairbackoff

myface.

“You’redoinggood,almostdone,”shesoothed.

Inodded,pantingastheworstpainyetwashedover

me.

“Fuck!”

“Language,hija,”mymotheradmonishedfrommy

otherside.

Whenhadshegottenthere?

“Thehead’sout,”HannahandLennoxsaidatthesame

time,standingattheendofthebedandlookingatthe
humongouschildthatwastryingtocomeoutandbeing
incrediblyslowaboutit.“Youramnioticsacisstill

intact.”

Then,suddenly,inagreatrushofrelief,ourbabyslid

out.

Michaelmadeahookwithhisfingerandbrokethe

amnioticsac,andsuddenlyIcouldhearmybaby,whowas
veryunhappywithbeingforcedfromhercomfy,warm
home.Byherdaddynoless.

“Alright,Nikki!Let’sgetthisbabydelivered!Son,

moveoutoftheway!”Dr.MeadorderedNico.

OnceNicomoved,though,hecametoastop.“Well,I

suredidn’texpectthis!Foryourfirstchildnoless!”

Ilaughed.

WhatelsecouldIdo?

“I’veneverseenthatbefore,”Hannahsaidinawe.

“Meneither,”Lennoxagreed.

“Oh,myGod,she’sbeautiful!”Georgiacriedsoftlyat

myside.

“CanIlookyet?”Nicowhined.

“Alright,let’sgetthisplacentadelivered.Daddy,are

yougoingtocutthecord?”Dr.Meadaskedjovially.

ImovedmyeyesawayfromourdaughtertoMichael,

whowasstaringatherinawe.

“Yeah,IthinkIwill,”herasped.

Lennoxhandedhimthehemostatstoclampthecord,

andthenapairofscissorsoncehe’ddonethat.

Then,withtheutmostcare,hecarriedourlittlegirl

overtothewarmer,whereateamofnurseswerealready
setupwaitingforher.

Whenthey’darrived,Idon’tknow,buttheywerethere.

AndIwassohappyIcouldscream.

Ideliveredtheplacenta,andwaitedforthemtobring

thebabytome.

ButIkeptwaitingandwaitingandwaiting.

Icouldseethemalllookingbackatmeinconcern,then

backatthebaby.

Michaelwasbusywashingupatthesink,sohedidn’t

seewhatwasgoingon,butIknewimmediatelysomething
waswrong.

“What’swrongwithher?”Iaskedurgently.“Tellme!”

Thenursesalllookedateachother,andoneofthem,

Lucille,brokeoff,pickingupmydaughterandcarrying
snuglyinherarms.

Shebroughtherovertome,andIreachedforher,

pullingherintomyarmslikethey’dtakenthemost
preciousgiftawayfrommewithoutplansofgivingher

back.TheygavemeteasingbitsandpiecesofheruntilI
wasawhimpering,needfulmess.

ThemomentshewasinmyarmsIfeltatpeace.

Shewasabsolutelyperfect.

Darkbrownhairlikeme.CheekslikeMichael.Long

fingersandtoeslikeMichael.Aheartshapedchinlikeme.

Thensheopenedhereyes,andIimmediatelyknew

somethingwaswrong.

Becausetheentireirisofhereyewascoveredina

milkywhite,circularfilm.Inbotheyes.

“What’swrongwithher?”Icried,lookingupto

Michaelforhelp.

Hefrownedandwalkedover,eyesonourbaby,and

immediatelyscowled.

“Whatitlookslikeisacataract,”hesaid,runninghis

thumboverthebaby’scheeklovingly.

Hiseyesmetmineandthey’dneverlookedmore

serious.

“She’sfine,”hesaidsoothingly.

“Acataractisn’tfine!”Icried.“It’snotfineatall!”

Myraisedvoicemust’vemadethebabyannoyed

becauseshestartedtocry.

Michaelimmediatelyreachedforwardandtookherout

ofmyarms,andIfeltthelosslikeapunchtothechest.

Michaelbroughtourbabyuptohischestandcradled

her,brushinghisnosealongthetopofherheadashe
breathedherin.

“Lookatme,Nikki,”heordered.

Ipeeledmyeyesawayfromwherehishandwas

holdingherunderherbottom,andlookedathim.

Hewasn’tworried.

Notevenalittlebit.

AndthatwaswhatIneededtofinallygainsome

control.

“Whatdowedo?”Iaskedsoftly.

Heleanedforwardandtookaseatonthesideofmy

bed,runninghishandalongthelengthofmycheek.

“Weletthepediatricianlookather.Wetalktomy

father.Mymother.Butwedoitalltogether.Becausewe
candonothingless,”hewhispered.

Atearslippeddownmycheek,andIlookeddownat

myhands.Seeingthemtrembling,Itookadeepbreathand
said,“IloveyouMichael.I’msorryforfreakingout.”

Hepulledmetohischest,andmyheadrestednextto

theentirelengthofourbaby’sbody,andIjustknew

everythingwouldbealright.

Why,youask?

BecauseMichaelsaiditwould,that’swhy.

***

Fourhourslater

“Soyou’resayingshe’llneedtoundergosurgeryfor

thiswithinthefirstthreemonthsofherlife,”Iaskedthe
pediatricianI’dpainstakinglychosenoutofmanyinthe
EastTexasarea.

Henodded.“Havingthosetakencareofisimperative.

Ifyoudon’t,itcouldbecomemalignant.Itcouldstaythe
same.Ortheycouldmeanshe’sblindfortherestofher
life.Andthisisaneasyfix.It’srelativelypainless,butit
issomethingshe’llhavetobeputtosleepfor.Whichis
alwaysarisk.”

Iclosedmyeyesastearsstartedtoform.

“Thankyou,Dr.Rush,”Michaelsaid,offeringhis

hand.“We’llfollowupwiththedoctorinDallasnext
Tuesday,likeyousaid.Wereallyappreciateyoucoming
outandseeingheronyourdayoff.”

Ismiledthroughmytears.

ThatwasawfullyniceofDr.Rush.

Mostdoctorsdidn’tdothingslikethat.

WhichwaswhyI’dchosenDr.Rushinthefirstplace.

Bringingmykneesuptomychest,ImovedCarolinaup

untilshewasrestingonmyupraisedlegs,andstaredather.

Shewassobeautiful.

Andperfect.

Anditbrokemyheartthatshehadtohavethisdoneat

suchayoungage.

ButIdidn’thavetoworryaboutthatnow.

Ihadfivefulldayswithmylittlebeauty,untilIhadto

seethatdoctorinDallaswithher,andIwasgoingtolove
hersohard.

Michaelputhisarmsaroundmeandhuggedmetohis

chest,pressinghislipsagainstmycheek.

“I’mgoingtogohomeandchangemyclothes,”he

rumbledsoftly.“Andbringupyourbagsowecangetlittle
missprissdressed.AnythingyouneedwhileI’mout?”

Ishookmyhead.“No.Notunlessyouwanttograbme

anumberonefromWhataburger.”

Heleanedbackandgavemeagrin.

“IthinkIcanhandlethat,”heteased.

Kissingmeoncemore,hemovedhislipstoourlittle

girlandbrushedhislipsoverherhair.

“Thetwobestthingsthateverhappenedtome,”he

whispered,thenlefttheroomwithoutanotherword.

Pickingupmyphone,Istartedtotakeafewhundred

picturesofmylittlebeautywhenaknocksoundedatthe

door.

Ilookedup,andsmiled.

BecauseatthedoorwasWolfgang,orWolfasIliked

tocallhim,andbabyNathan.

AlthoughBabyNathanwasn’tsomuchababy

anymore.Hewasatoddlerwhowasfullofmischiefand
loveforallthingsfurry.

“Wolf,”Isaidsoftly,smilingathimoncehebreached

thedoorway.“Comein,comein.”

Wolfsmiled.“I’dhavewaitedtocomeseeyou,butI

havetobeatworkinacoupleofhours,andIdidn’tknow
ifI’dgettoseeyoubeforeyougotout.Howareyou
doing?”

Hesmiledashelookeddownatthebabyinmylap.

“Hedidgood,”herasped,adeepseatedhurtevidentin

hisvoice.

Hisownchildwould’vebeensixmonthsjustafew

weeksago.

“Wouldyouliketoholdher,Wolf?”Iaskedsoftly.

Heswallowed,andlookedintomyeyes.“Yeah,if

that’sokay.”

IheldoutmyhandsforNathan,andhehandedhimto

me.

Nathanimmediatelywrappedhischubbyarmsaround

myneck.

“Takeher,”Isaidsoftly.

Wolfdid,reachingforwardandscoopingCarolinaup

withnimble,practicedhands.

“She’sbeautiful,”herumbled,cradlingCarolinatohis

chest.

“Sheis,”Iagreed,turningawayfromthedevastated

lookthatcameoverWolf’sface.“How‘yadoing,
Nathan?”

Nathanofferedmeaslobberysmileasheplayedwith

myhair.

“Fish,”hebabbled.

“Fish?”Iaskedhim.

“That’shisnewfavoriteword,”Wolfexplained.“That

and‘cup’.Seemsheonlysayswhathewants.”

Ismiled.

IrememberedthatwithNico’stwinsaswell.

“How’sworkgoingforyou?”Iaskedsoftly.

WolfspokewithoutlookingupfromCarolina.

“AlotlongerthanIrealizedit’dbe,”hemuttered.“I

findthatImissthehelloutofNathanwhileI’mthere.”

Ismiled.

Thattendedtohappenwhenyouhadchildren.

I’dwitnesseditwithalloftheSWATteam,asoflate.

Theyallwantedtogethometotheirkidsandwives.

Thepartieshadgonefromallnightersto‘weneedto

leavebyeightp.m.togetthekidsinbed’kindofparties.

Although,itwasnicetoseeallthesereformedbad-

boysturnedfamilymen.

That’sthewayitwassupposedtobe.

“HowdoyoulikethenewmayorofUncertain?”I

asked.“MichaelsaidtheygotaSheriffandMayorinthe
sameday.Hesaidit’sbeenkindofcrazy.”

Wolfnodded.“It’sbeenaclusterfuck.It’sgoingtotake

somedoingtogetthingssettled.”

Iwasn’tsurprised.

TexaswasatrueRepublicanstate,andtohavetwo

Democratofficialsinhighpositionsinthecitywasreally
gettingonalotofthecity’snerves.Iwasstillsurprised
thatit’dhappenedinthefirstplace.

“Cup?”Nathanasked,tappingmyface.

Ilookedtohimandsmiled.“Idon’thaveyourcup,big

guy.”

Nathanfrowned,andmyeyesweredrawntothebarely

noticeablescaronhisforehead.

He’dhadplasticsurgerydoneonhisheadabouteight

weeksintohishospitalstay.Thenfourmore
reconstructionsafterthat.

Andthey’ddoneawonderfuljob.Suchawonderful

job,infact,thatyoucouldonlyseethatsomethinghad
happenedwhenhefrownedorcried.

Wolfgotup,drawingmyattentiontohim.

Hereallywasabigman.

TodayhewasinhisleatherjacketthatIneversawhim

without.

Hehadsomeextensivedamagetothebackofhishead

andneck,whichmadehimgrowhishairlongerthanI’d
everseenonanypoliceofficerbefore.

Heworetheleatherjackettocoverupthescarringon

hisbackandneck.

AnotherthingI’dheardfromMichael.

I’dneverseenitmyself,butitbrokemyheartthathe

woreit.

“Igottago,”herumbled.“Ijustwantedtocomesee

y’allandmakesureyouwereokay.”

Sohe’dheard.

“Don’tdoanything,Wolf,”Ireprimandedhim.

Hiseyeslookeduptomine,andIcouldseethe

determinationhere.

“We’llsee.”HeplacedCarolinaintomyarmsand

reachedforNathan.“Ican’tpromiseanything,though.”

Ilookedintothesweetfaceofmylittlegirlonceheleft

theroom,andcametoadecision.

I’ddoeverythinginmypowertohelpmakethatman

happy.EvenifIhadtothrowoneofmysistersathim.

Theyweretenacious.

“Youandmewillgethimthere,littlegirl,”Isaid,

runningmyfingerdownthebridgeofhernose.

Shestirred,andmyheartfilledwithjustalittlebit

morejoy.

IwassohappyIcouldscream.

IhadthemanIlovedwithallmyheart.

Ababywiththatman.

AndalifethatIloved.

Andinafewmonths,whenCarolina’ssurgerywas

behindher,Iwouldbecomplete.

Icouldn’taskforathingmore.

Epilogue

Imissedyou.Let’shavesex.Alot.

-Michael’ssecretthoughts.

Michael

“Youleftthetoiletseatupagain,”Nikkigrumbledfrom

herbentoverposition.

ShewasloadingthedishwasherandIwinced.Iwas

supposedtodothatlastnight.She’daskedamilliontimes,
andIjustplainforgot.

Fuck.

“Andyouforgottotakeoutthetrashagain,”she

continued.

Isighed.

Thewomanwasafreakin’mess.

Ididn’tcomplainaboutherinabilitytoputthingsaway.

Likethepitcheroftea.Ihateddrinkinghottea.AndI

didn’tlikethewayicewatereditdown.

Yetdidshemakemoreofanefforttoputitaway?

No.

SoIdrankmyteawithicenowbecauseitwas

inevitablethatshe’dforgettoputitaway.

Anddon’tevengetmestartedonhermakeup,hair

products,curlingirons,andGodknowswhatelse.

Thefirstthingonourremodelingagenda,ifitever

cametoit,wasaduelsinkforhimandher,becauseI
couldn’ttellyouhowmanytimesI’dwishedIdidn’thave
toputawayshitonthecountertoshavemyfaceorbrush
myteeth.

Ididn’ttellheranyofthat,though.

We’dlearned,overthelastfouryears,howtopickour

battles.

“Ican’tfixtheplumbingbecauseyouboughtamale

end,andIneedafemaleend.”Isaid.

“Whatdoyoumean?What’sthedifference?”Nikki

asked,turningtostudyme.

Iwasafuckingmess.

I’dbeenunderthehouse,fixingtheplumbingthat’d

decidedtofuckingcombustlastnight.

Andshe’dbeenbotheringthefuckoutofmeforthe

entiremorningtofixitsoshecouldhaverunningwaterfor
thepartywewerethrowingforMadden.

Maddenhadn’thadaneasylife.

He’dhadalotofstruggles,butinthosestruggles,he’d

comeoutontop.

AfterMadden’schildrenhadbeenreleasedfromthe

hospital,thethreeofthemhadgonetoafosterhomewith
DeanandJoslin,ofallpeople.

Afterthewholeaskingforspermfromhisbrother

debacle,Joslinfinallygaveuponeverhavingababywith
Dean.Sheactuallygaveupalotofthings,infact.

Mainlyothermen’sdicks.

Andwiththatnewattitudeonlife,Joslinturnedintoa

halfdecentperson.

JoslinandDeanhadhelpedraisenotonlyMadden’s

twochildren,SophiaandTawny,butalsoMaddenhimself.

They’dgivenMaddentheopportunitytojustbeakid

whilehelpinghimraisehischildren.

Andasofthisafternoon,hewasofficiallyahigh

schoolgraduate.

“Michael,areyouevenlisteningtome?”Nikkiyelled.

Mybrowrose.“Yes,I’mlisteningtoyou.Butyou’re

notsayinganythingthatIhaven’talreadyexplainedtoyou.
Fivetimes,infact.”

Shenarrowedhereyesatme.

“Wellthen,maybeyoushouldenlightenme…onemore

time.”

Igrinnedather.

“Youneedananatomylesson?”Iclarified.

Shenarrowedhereyesatme.

“No.Ineedyoutoexplaintomehowplumbingparts

havemaleandfemaleends.”

Ichargedforwardandpinnedhertothecounter,my

sweatybodyplasteringupagainsthers.

Nikkihadputonalittlebitofweightoverthelastfour

years,butnotonebitofthatweightdidInotlove.

Infact,Iwasfuckingecstatictohavealittlemoreof

hertoholdontowhileIfuckedher.

SomethingIwasabouttoproveduringtheanatomy

lessonIwasabouttogivetoher.

“Afemaleend,”Isaid,pressingmyhandsagainsther.

“Iswider.Itallowsthemaleendtofitinsideofit.”

Ipunctuatedthiscommentbypressingmyerectioninto

herhip.

Shegaspedandhereyeswidened.

“You…youdidn’tsaythatwhenIleft,”shestuttered.

Ileanedpastherandturnedthewateron,pickingup

thebottleofsoapandwashingmyhandsbehindherback.

Shelickedherlips,andIknewsheknewwhatIwas

abouttodo.

“Thekidsareabouttowakeup,”shehesitatedwhenI

slappedthefaucetdowntostoptheflowofwateronceI’d
wasfinished.

Igrinned.

Thenmyhandswenttohersides,andIranmyhandsup

andunderhershirt,pushingitupandoverherheadinone
fluidmovement.

Herhairfellfromthehaphazardbunshe’dplacedon

topofherhead,withapencilofallthings,andtumbled
downherbackandoverhershoulders.

JustthewayIlikedit.

Ididn’tbotherremovingthebra.

That’dtaketoolong.

Iknewthekidswereabouttowakeup.

Theyonlygaveusasolidtwohoursatmost,anditwas

alreadygoingonanhourandfortyfiveminutes.

Thenextthingtogowereherpants,pantiesgoingwith

itforexpediency.

“Michael,”shesaidbreathlesslywhenIturnedher

aroundandpressedheroverthesink.

Shegrabbedontothefaucetfordearlife,lookingback

overhershoulderasIunzippedmypants.

“Yeah,baby?”Iasked,pullingmydickfromits

confinesandrunningthehardenedlengthupherpussylips.

Shegaspedandpressedbackagainstme,helpingme

coatmycockinherjuicesassheinvoluntarilyjerkedher
hips.

“See,tofixthisplumbing,”Isaid,pressingmylubed

cockupagainstherentranceandpushingin.“Ineeda
threeandfiveeightsmaleend.Yougotmeafemaleend.
Togetfullsatisfactiononbothends,onewon’tdowithout
theother.”

Icouldtellshewantedtolaugh,butshewastoobusy

moaningasmycockfilledhertothebrim.

Myeyescrossedwhensheclencheddownonme.

“Lesstalking,morefucking.We’rerunningoutof

time,”shepanted.

Iagreed.

Pickingupthepace,Igrabbedaholdofbothhipsand

startedtomoveinandoutofher.

Fasterandfaster,Ithrusted.

Eachoneharderthantheprevious.

Weworkedwelltogether.

SheknewwhatIliked,andIknewjusttherightangle

thatwouldsetherofflikeabottlerocket.

Movingmyhandbetweenthecountertopandherhips,

IfoundthebudofherclitandstartedtocircleitasI
rampedupmyspeed.

“Michael,”shemoaned.“Yes!”

IgrittedmyteethandclosedmyeyesasIfeltherpussy

begintoconvulsearoundthelengthofmycock,meaning
theendofmeholdingback.

Shedidthattome,though.

Undidme.

Toremedowntorockbottomandbuiltmebackup

again.

Igrowledwhenmyreleasehitme.

Hotcomepouredfrommycockandsplashedagainst

herinsides,coatingthetwoofusequallyasIworked
myselfinsideofher,untilthelastdregsofmyorgasm
abated.

Then,rightoncue,IheardthesoundsofClaytonashe

startedscreamingatthetopofhislungstobeletout.

“Shit,”Igrowled,reachingforwardandtothesideto

yankthedishtoweloffthepegwhereNikkiinsistedwe
hangit.

“Notmygoodtowels!”Shecried.

Butitwastoolate.

I’dalreadypulledoutandplacedthetoweloverher

entrancetocatchmyreleasebeforeshecouldprotest.

“Dammit,Michael,”shegrowled,holdingthetowel

betweenherlegsandglaring.

Iraisedmyhands.“SonowthatyouknowwhatI

need,”Isaid,bucklingmypants.“Howaboutyou…fuck.”

Mypagerwentoff,andIlookedatitoveronthetable,

thenbacktoNikki.

“Dammit!”ShecriedwhenIwalkedtoit.

Wincing,Ilookedatthereadoutandsighed.

“I’msuretherestoftheladieswillbeabletocome

helpyou.Justremembernottorunthewaterinthemain
bathroom,”IorderedasIstartedwalkingtoourbedroom.

Nikkifollowedme,momentslater,withClaytononher

hipandahardnesstohereyes.

“Whatarewesupposedtodowhenweneedtowash

ourhands?”Sheasked.

Iraisedabrowather.

“Washtheminthekitchen.Putabottleoftheeighteen

millionbottlesofantibacterialshityouhavelyingaround
everysurfaceofthehouse.Idon’tfuckin’know,”Isaid,
shovingmyfootintomyboot.

Shesighed.

“YoubetterbeherebyeightorI’llkickyourass,”she

growledinmockanger.

Iknewshewasn’tmad.

Sheknewwhatshewasgettingintowhenshemarried

me.

SheknewthattheSWATteamwasahugepartofmy

life.

Andsheacceptedit…andme.

“Iloveyou,baby,”Isaid,kissinghersoftlyonthe

cheek.

Shesmiled.“Iloveyou,too.”

WithafinalkissonClay’shead,Irushedoutofthe

house,onlytocometoastopwhenmyfatherandmother
pulledupwithCarolina.

“Hey,”Icalled,veeringaroundtheircartomytruck.

Theyallwaved,andCarolina’sbabyblueeyes

followedme.

“Daddy,whereareyougoing?Iwantedtoshowyou

mynewcat!”Carolinaheldupastuffedcatwithahuge,
fluffytail.

ItwasinaboxthatdistinctlymarkeditasaBuild-A-

Bear.

Inarrowedmyeyesatmyparents.“Nikki’sgoingto

killyou.”

Theygrinnedunrepentantly.

Rollingmyeyes,Iblewakisstomylittlegirlandsaid,

“Daddyhastogotowork.”

Shepouted,butblewmeakissnonetheless.

Justlikehermomma,sheknewwhendaddyhadto

leaveto‘gosavelives.’

“Takecareofmygirls,pop,”Iorderedmyfather.

Hewinkedandhelpedmymotheroutofthecar.

“Willdo,son,seeyoutonight.”

Imadeittothestationtwentyminuteslater,andwas

justintimetoseeLukeandBennettwalkingfromtheir
trucks.

Icaughtuptothematthedoortothestation.

“Whatdowehave?”Iaskedthem.

“Amulti-citywidefuckup,that’swhat.”

Wonderful.

***

Nikki

“Momma,Igotacat!”Carocalledtheminuteshemade

itthroughthefrontdoor.

IsmiledandhandedClayofftoElizabethandcaught

Carolinajustasshebarreledintomylegs.

Ismiledandpickedherup,lookingathernewcat.

“Oh,yay,”Isaid,lookingupintohercrystalclearblue

eyes.EverytimeIsawthemupclosemyheartclutched.

We’dhadCaro’scataractsremovedfromhereyes

whenshewasexactlyonemonthofage,andit’dbeenthe
mostterrifyingexperienceofmylife.

She’dgonethroughthesurgeryremarkablywell,but

thesheerhorrorofhavingtowatchmybabybewheeled
awayfrommewastorture.

Now,though,shewashealthyandhappy.

AndthoseeyesthatlookedexactlylikeMichael’ssure

hadawayofmakingmyheartmelt.

Eachandeverytime.

“Yeah,GrammyandPoppopspentahundreddollarson

her.TheysaidIbetterlikeher.Andtreatherwell,
becausethatwasthelasttimetheytookmethere,”Caro
continued.

Ismiledandwinkedat‘Poppop.’

Theyweresuchsuckers.

I’dknown,ofcourse,theminutethey’dsaidthatthey

weretakingCarototheBoardwalk,thattheywereinfora
rudeawakening.

Carowasmychild.

Shecouldshopuntilshedropped,anddidsodaily.

Shecouldtalkjustaboutanyoneintoanything,which

waswhyherroomwasfilledwithallkindsoftoys,
clothes,andshitshedidn’tneed.

“Hey!Letgoofmykitty!”CaroscreamedwhenClay

latchedontothekittyandwouldn’tletgo.

“Caro,”Isaidsternly.“Clayisjustababy.Youcan’t

yankstuffoutofhishandslikethat.Youcouldhurthim.”

Carostuckouthertongueatherbrother,whowasallof

eightmonthsoldsotheeffectwaslostonhim,andcrossed
herarms.

Ismiledandlookeddownatmyhands.

ShelookedsomuchlikeMichaelwhenshedidthatthat

Icouldbarelystandit.

“Ify’allwouldn’tmindwatchingthem,Ihavetogoto

Lowe’s…again…andgetacouplingfortheplumbing
underneaththehouse.Andpickupthecake,”Isaid,trying

valiantlynottoblushandfailingmiserably.

“Okay,dear.Don’tforgettopickupthatprescription

youmademecallin,”Manuelosaid.

Thebloodinmyveinsfroze.

Motherfucker!

Shit!

Fuck!

“Okay,”Isaidshakily,walkingtothefronttableand

clutchingmykeysinatightfist.

IwasouttothecarwhenImanagedtoquietlypullout

myphone,openthedoortomyTahoe,andslideinside.

WhenIstartedthetruckandstartedtobackoutofthe

driveway,Ihitthecallbuttonandimmediatelycalled
Michael.

Hedidn’tanswer,ofcourse.

Ididn’texpecthimto.

ButIwantedhisvoicemailanyway.

ThisisMichael,leaveamessage.

“Michael,”Isaidquietly.“Ifyoumanagedtoknockme

upagaintoday,I’mgoingtofuckingkillyou,”Igrowled,
thenslammedthephonebuttononmysteeringwheel.

Ineffectivebutitmademefeelbetter,nonetheless.

I’drunoutofbirthcontrolpillstwoweeksago,and

hadcompletelyforgottenuntiljustyesterdaythatI’dnot
beentakingthem.

MichaelandIlivedbusylives.

Webothhadsomereallyoddhours,soontheoff

chancethatwehadbeenabletofindtimetodothedeed,in
thepasttwoweeks,I’dforcedMichaeltouseacondom.

Somethingheabsolutelyloatheddoing.

Today,though,I’dcompletelyforgotten.

AndIknew,likeI’dknownwithClayton,thathe’djust

knockedmeup.

TherewassomethingaboutMichaelandhisdamnbad

intentionsthatmademelosemymind.ForgetthatIdidn’t
wanttobepregnant.

ButthereMichaelwaswiththat‘magicdick’asmy

lovelyfriendslikedtocallit,andallmyinhibitionsflew
outthewindow.

Andwithitwentmyabilitytodrink.

Shit.

***

Fourhourslater,withallmyfamilyandfriendsaround

me,Irealizedthatmaybeanotherkidwouldn’tbesobad
afterall.

EspeciallynotwithGeorgiaandNico’sfourthbabyin

myarms.

“He’sjustthesweetestthingI’veeverseen!”Isaid,

rubbingmynosealongHeath’shead.

Heathwasalloftwoweeksold,andthevery

definitionofhisfather.

“Youdidgood,bigbrother,”Isaid,smilingupatNico.

Nicowinked.“Iknow.”

“Andsohumble,”Georgialaughed.

“Nico,humble?”Downyaskedaftertakingasipofhis

beer.

Thewholegrouplaughed.

AndIlookedaroundatmyextendedfamily.

Theywereallthere.

LukeandReesewiththeirthreechildren.

NicoandGeorgiawiththeirfourkids.

DownyandMemphiswiththeirtwochildren.

MillerandMercy,withtheirthree.

FosterandBlakewiththeirtwo.

BennettandLennoxwiththeirtwo.

Mysistersandtheirhusbandsandboyfriends.

TheChiefandhiswife.

Myparents.Michael’sParents.

JoslinandDean.

Maddenandhiskiddos.

Myhusbandandchildren.

HannahandWolf–although,thatwasanewthing.

They’d spoken on and off for the last few years, but

withthewaytheywereacting,lookingateachotherbutnot
goingneartheother,Iknewsomethinghadtranspired.

I just didn’t know what, but I had a feeling that

somethingwouldbreaksoon.

Andthenthey’dbejustashappyastherestofus.

AndIwashappy

Ecstaticallyso.

“Here you go, Mama,” Michael said, handing Clay

over.

He took Heath from my arms and handed me my own

little butterball, and I smiled as Michael gazed longingly
intoHeath’slittleface.

Foramanthathadn’twantedanychildren,hesurewas

adamantabouthavingmoreandmore.

AndasIlookedaroundatallthechildrenrunningand

playinghappilyintheyardamongsttheirparents,Idecided
thatjustmaybeanotherbabywouldn’tbeabadthing.

AslongasIhadMichael,Icouldtotallygetonboard

withanotherkid.

BecauseIlovedhim.

Withmywholeheartandsoul,andIknewhe’dalways

bethereforme.

Hewasjustthattypeofman.

A man that always had his woman’s back, no matter

whatittook.

That’swhattruelovewas.

ComingSoon

CounterToMyIntelligence

1-6-16

Prologue

Rulesaremeanttobebroken…justnot

quitelikethat.

-CoffeeCup.

Sawyer

“Bristol,pleaselet’snotdothis!”Ipleadedwithmy

bestfriend.

Bristollookedoveratmewitharaisedbrow.“Finals

areover.Youdon’thavevolleyballpracticefortwo
months.It’stimetostopbeingsuchahermitandjustbea
collegefreshmanliketherestofus.”

Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tthinkthisisgoingtobea

goodidea.I’mfreakingouthere,andI’mnoteventhere.I
don’twanttogo.”

Bristollookedunimpressed.

“I’mgoingwhetheryouwanttoornot.Thedecisionis

uptoyou,”sheleftthathangingintheair,andwalkedout
ofourshareddorm,closingthedoorquietlybehindher.

“Shit,”Isighed.

Ireallydidn’twanttogo.

ButitwasmorethanapparentthatBristoldid.

Iwasn’toneforparties.Iwasmorecomfortablecurled

upwithagoodbookratherthangoingtoapartyorhanging
outwithfriends.

IlovedBristolwithallmyheart,andIknewsheloved

merightback.

We’dbeenfriendsforaslongasIcouldremember,and

Iknewthatshe’dalwaysbethereforme.EvenifIwanted
tobeleftthehellalone.

Bristolhaddoneherbestto‘getmeoutofmyhead’,as

shelikedtocallit,butitwouldhelpifIactuallywantedto
beoutofit.

WhichImostcertainlydidnot.

Iwasaveryshyperson.

BetweenherandIsaac,myboyfriend,Iwasdoomed.

Somethingheprovedinthenextminutewhenatext

showeduponmyphone.

Going2thepartyw/Brooklyn.Youbetterbethere.

Fuck!

IlookedlonginglyoveratthenewbookIpickedupat

thegrocerystorebeforeIwalkedtomydresserandpulled
outapairofpantsandablackspaghettistrapshirt.

Itwasn’tthegreatest,butit’ddo.

Iwasn’ttheretoimpress.IwastherebecauseIwas

beingforced.

***

“No,Isaac.Idon’twantany,”Igrowledfourhours

later.

I’dalreadyhadabeer,anditwasonemorethanI’d

wanted.

Iwasalightweight.Aftermorethanfour,Iwasn’t

gonnawakeupforavery,verylongtime.

WhichwaswhyIalwaysstayedwithoneandoneonly.

Isaac,though,didn’tseemtocare.

“Seriously,Idon’twantone!”Isaid,shovingitaway.

Afterthisnightwasover,sowereIsaacandme.

He’dtriedtopubliclygropemeandhavesexwithme,

somethingwehadn’tdonebefore,andwouldn’teverbe
doing.

He’dtriedtogetmetoplaybeerpong,andwhenI

wouldn’t,heplayedwithacoupleofothercollegecoeds.

WhenIdrankthefirstbeerI’dhad,hethoughthe’d

wonthelotteryandkepttryingtoforcefeedmemore.

“You’resuchafuckin’downer.Getthefuckawayfrom

me,”Isaacslurred.

Iwantedtonutpunchhim.

Repeatedly.

“Well,IthinkI’llgohome,then,”Ihesitated.“Doyou

wantmetogiveyouaride?”

Hiseyesnarrowedandhetookalookaround.

Thepartyhadbeena‘bust,’orsohe’dsaid.Ididn’t

knowifithadornot.

Seemedthere’dbeenalotofpeoplethereforme,but

they’dslowlydriftedoutofthemainroomuntiltherewere
aboutfifteenofusleft.

“Yeah,I’llgohome.Letmegogetonemoredrink.”

Iwantedtotellhimno,butIknewthatthatwas

probablytheonlywayIwasgoingtogetoutofhere.

Wewereinhistruck,afterall.

“I’llgogetBristol,”Isaid,wanderingawayfromhim.

IfoundBristolinthekitchendoingthingsthatIdidn’t

thinkwerepossible.

Mainlythose‘things’beingdrinkingupsidedownwith

atubeshoveddownherthroatwhileafewofthefootball
playersyelled,‘chug’overandover.Sheevenmanagedto
lookgooddoingit,too.

“Uh,Bristol?”Icalledworriedly.“It’stimetoget

going,areyouready?”

Thefootballplayerslookedupatme,curiosityintheir

eyes.

They’dbeendoingthatallnightandIhadnocluewhy.

Iwasn’tanythingspecial,buttheywerestaringatme

likeIwasthebiggestpieceofjuicysteakthey’deverseen.

“Bristol?”Icalledagain.

TheclosestfootballplayerfinallyloweredBristol’s

legs,andshehitthefloorwithaspewinglaugh.

Beercoveredherfromheadtotoe.

“Ithinkit’stimetogo,”Isaidsoftly.

Bristolnodded,soglassyeyedthatIthoughtforsure

shewasgoingtofalloveranysecond.

Withthehelpofthefootballplayers,Iloadedavery

boisterousBristol,andaverytouchyIsaacintohisbig
threequartertontruck.

Isaac’struckwasn’tmyfavoritethingtodriveonthe

bestofdays,butitbeingnightandslightlyrainy,Iknewit
wouldn’tbefunatall.

Regardlessofmyapprehension,Igotintothedriver’s

seat,pulledtheseatupsoIcouldreachthepedalsandthe
steeringwheel,andstarteditup.

“Remember,itpullstotheleft,”Isaacslurred,leaning

overtheconsoletorunhismouthalongmyneck.

Icringedandpushedhimslightlytofallbackintohis

ownseat.

“Letmedrive,please,”Isaidpleadingly.

IsaaclaughedasheturnedtoBristolwhowassittingin

themiddleofthebackseat,staringatusgiddily.

“Iknewy’allwouldmakesuchagreatcouple!”She

cheered,clappingherhandslikeshewasasealatSea
World.

Iwantedtoflipheroff,butittooktwohandsto

maneuverIsaac’shugetruck.

DidImentionIhateddrivingit?

Hehadhugetiresonit.

Theyweresobigthattheycameuptomywaistline.

Histruckwasthesizeofatankonsteroids.

Hisdaddyboughtitforhimthedayheturnedeighteen.

Now,twoyearslater,itstilllookedbrandnewbecause

hetooksuchgoodcareofhis‘preciousbaby.’

Threeyearsago,whenIgotmyfirstcarateighteen,

it’dbeenbecauseI’dsavedmoney,sinceIstartedworking
atfifteen.

Althoughmyparentsweregreat,theyweren’tthe

richest.

Infact,theyweren’tevenmiddleclass.

Wewerethe‘barelymakingit’class.

Evennow,withmeoutofthehouse,theywerestill

strugglingtomakeendsmeet.

Buttheydidhavefourotherkidsbesidesme.

Soitwasunderstandable.

ButitwasalsoprobablywhyI’dbeindebtuntilIwas

fifty.

Payingformybachelor’sdegreeinnursingwasn’tvery

easy.ThankGodforstudentloans.

Althoughtheywouldn’tbemyfriendsonceIgraduated.

“Whyareyougoingsoslow,Sawyer?Ifeellikewe’re

crawling!”Bristolyelled,leaningforwardontheconsole.

“PutyourseatbeltonorI’llpullthistruckover,”Isaid

withasmuchvenomasIcould.

Neitheroneofthemeverworeseatbelts.Anditdrove

menuts.

Iheardtwoclicks,andIturnedaccusingeyesonto

Isaac.

Heknewmyrule!

“Whyisitsohardfory’alltofollowthatrule?Imean,

seriously,itcouldsaveyourlifeifwewereinan
accident!”Igrowled,turningbackwhenIsawlightsflash
infrontofme.

Icouldn’tstop.

Thecarthat’dpulledoutinfrontofmediditatthe

exactwrongtime.

Undernormalcircumstances,hadhedonethat,I

would’vemissedhim.

ButIwasinIsaac’shugetruck,whichwashardto

slowsinceitwassobig.

Iwasalsodrivingatnight.Intherain.

Whichmeantthat,insteadofstoppingwhenIslammed

onthebrakes,thetruckdidn’tstop.

Itslid.

Thebrakeslocked.

Tiressquealed.

Isaac,Bristol,andIscreamed.

Andwehitthemwithadeafeningcrash.

Itwasterrible.

Isawthewhitesoftheman’seyesbeforethetruckt-

bonedhim.

Sawthewomaninthefrontseatturntosomeoneinthe

back.

Thennothing.

Absolutelynothing.

Icouldn’tmakemybrainmakeanysense.

AndIwouldn’tknowituntildayslater...butIkilled

everysinglepersoninthevehicleIhit.

Anditwouldallbemyfault.

***

Sixmonthslater

“Aftertheevidencehasbeenheard,andthedefendant’s

testimony,wefindthedefendantguiltyoffourcountsof
involuntarymanslaughter,”thespokesmanforthejurysaid.

Myworldcametoastop.

Allmytime.

Allmydreams.

Gone.

Everyoneofthem.

Fourcountsofinvoluntarymanslaughter.

Ilookedtomymotherwithtearfuleyes.

Shelookedbackatmewiththesame.

AndIclosedthem,asingletearslippingdownmy

cheek.

“SawyerAnnBerry,you’resentencedtoeightyearsin

Huntsville.Dismissed,”JudgeAbbottdeclared,finalizing
thatstatementwithaslamofhisgavel.

Myhearthurt.

Icouldn’tbreathe.

Eightyears.

I’dbenearlythirtywhenIgotout!

“Don’tworry,Sawyer.I’llgetyouout.We’llappealit.

Ipromiseyou,”myfather’sgoodfriendandmyattorney,
DonaldBarber,promised.

Ilookedathimandshookmyhead.“Just…justtake

careofmyparents.They’regoingtoneedyou.”

Hesmiledatmesadly.“Iwill,pumpkin.”

Myonlyhope,oncetheappealwasdenied,wasthat

I’dmakeparole.

Ilookedoveratmybestfriend,whounderstandably

felthorrible,andmyboyfriend…whomIhadn’tbrokenup
withbecausehe’dbecomemyrock.

Maybenotasmuchofaboyfriendanymoreasmuchas

ahugesupportsystem.

Thetwoofthemhadbecomemysoulreasonfor

makingitthrough.

They’dstayedwithme,despitewhatI’ddone.

AndIcouldn’tthankthemenough.

***

Fouryearslater

“Paroledenied.”

Myeyesclosed,andmyheartrippedinhalf.

Thelastthreadholdingitinonepiecewasgone.

Mostlikelyforever.