TakingRisks

H.Maloney

CoverArtbyMelodySimmons

EditedforContentbyHotTreeEditing

AllRightsReserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyform,including
electronicormechanical,withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher,exceptinthecaseofbrief
quotationsembodiedincriticalarticlesorreviews.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,businesses,placesevents,andincidentsareeither
productsoftheauthor ’simaginationorusedinafictitiousmanner.Anyresemblancetoactual
persons,livingordead,oractualeventsispurelycoincidental.

Dedication

Foreverysnarkygirlwho’sjokesfallflatmoreoftenthantheyshouldandforthefewpeople

thatgether.

DarksecretshaveforcedMegtogoontherunandleavetheonlyhomeshehaseverknown.But,it’s
notjustherhomeshehasleftbehind;it’sherfamilyandhernametoo.Acleanslate–afreshstart
somewherewhereshecan’tbefound.Andwherebettertogetlostthaninasmall,divebar,ina
newtownrunbythelocalMC?

TableofContents

CHAPTER1

CHAPTER2

CHAPTER3

CHAPTER4

CHAPTER5

CHAPTER6

CHAPTER7

CHAPTER8

CHAPTER9

CHAPTER10

CHAPTER11

CHAPTER12

CHAPTER13

CHAPTER14

CHAPTER15

CHAPTER16

CHAPTER17

CHAPTER18

CHAPTER19

CHAPTER20

CHAPTER21

CHAPTER1
MEG

“Hey,sugar,Ihaven’tseenyouinforever.”

WalkingbehindthebarfromthebackofficewhereI’vejuststoredmypurse,Iimmediately
startplayingalongwiththedrunkenoldermanwhois,atthemoment,swayingslightly.Islapmy
handtomychestandgasp,“Iknow!Itmusthavebeenatleast,what?Nineteenhours?Tellme,what
earth-shatteringeventshaveImissedsincethen?”

IloveworkinghereatTheSeventhCircle.I’vecometorealizeIthriveonthehuman
interaction,andthisplacedrawsallkindsofpeople,whichisanendlesssourceofamusementforme.

Ileanonthebarandrestmyfaceinmyhand.Closeenoughtoknowhe’snotabouttosay“a
bath.”Armedwiththisnewlyacquiredknowledge,IquicklystraightenupandstepbacksoIcan
breathesomesemi-freshair.

“Ohyouknow,sweetheart—changin’theworld,curin’cancer.Thatkindathing,”Dennis
answerswithwhatIthinkhebelievesisadebonairsmile,butactuallycomesoffaskindofaleer.

Actually,youknowwhat?Thatwasprobablyhisintentanyway.Nevermind.

Smilingdubiously,Iwalkaway,grabtheshortapronfromthewall,andtieitaroundmy
waist.It’saburnt-orangehuewithgraystitchingandmatchesthecolorsoftheInfernalDemons
MotorcycleClub,whojustsohappentoownandrunthisfineestablishment.

Denniscontinues,“Nextweek,I’llfigureouthowtogetagoosetoshitgold.Youwaitandsee.”

IlaughalittleandshakemyheadathimbeforeIstartsettingupformyshift.“Well,don’t
forgettohelpagirloutwhenthathappens.”

Truthfully,I’mdoingprettywellwithoutthemagicalshittinggoose.I’veworkedatThe
SeventhCircleforalittleoverthreeyearsnow,andthecrowdshavebeengoodtome.Theproperty
consistsoftwobuildingswithasmallcourtyardbetweenthem.Thefrontbuildingisthebarproper,
withpooltablesanddartboardsoccupyingtheleft-handsideandalong,fullystockedbarrunning
alongtheright.Thebarendswithajukeboxjustbeforethehallwayleadingtobathroomsandthe
courtyardexit.Pubtablesandstoolsarescatteredaroundtheremainingspace,withabandstandatthe
backwall.Dependingonwho’savailable,itcouldbethejukeboxorabandrulingthebaronany
givennight.Thecourtyardismyfavoriteplace,setupwithmetaltablesandchairsandtheoccasional
toweringtree.Thebackbuildingiswheretheclubhoststheirinformalfights.Theyusuallytakeplace
onceortwiceaweek,involvinganysoulbraveenoughtobebeatenmorethoroughlythanmy
morningscrambledeggs.

Witheverythingthatcangoon,businessdoesn’tusuallydrag.Nottomentionmyrackissolidly

epic,andshewiththegoodboobsusuallygetsthegoodtips.Ialwayshaveenoughtopaymybills,
withsomeleftover.I’mprettysurethat’sbarcanon,butIdigress.

“Neverdarlin’.That’swhenI’mfinallygonnabuckupthecouragetoaskyoutomarryme.”

Tempting,exceptnot.DennisisaVietnamWarveteranwho,byhisownaccount,spentthe
entiretimerunningariverboatupanddowntheRedRivercompletelystoned.Youcantell.

“Well,yougetittoworkandIjustmightsayyes.”IwinkcomicallysoheknowsI’mkidding
thenwalkdownthebartoletAllieandCaitlynknowthecavalryishere.

Catchingmeinherperipheral,Allieturnsandsportsarelievedgrin.“Welcometothe
circus!”Sheleansforwardanddeliversatheatricalwhisperbehindherhand.“Thesepeopleare
drivingmecrazy.Iswearthesecrowdsgetmoreandmorerelentless.I’mgoingtohavetostart
holdingthembackwithachair.”

Itakeaquicklookaroundtheroomtoreassesshowbusytonightwillbe.Ihadlooked
aroundwhenIfirstwalkedinthedoor—Iliketostartmyshiftsprepared—andwhenmyoriginal
evaluationstands,Istartlaughingatherobviousexaggeration;it’samedium-sizedcrowd,atbest.
Busyenoughtokeepmefromgettingbored,butnotbusyenoughthatI’llberunragged.Perfect.I
pointouttothedramaqueen,“Well,thinkaboutitforaminute.Mostofthepeopleinthecrowdare
regulars,soitstandstoreasonthattheiralcoholtolerancewillcontinuetobuild...Andbuild.Imagine
howbadit’llbethistimenextyear...Andtheyearafterthat.”Ifinishwithafakeshudder.

Shenarrowshereyesevillyandsmacksme.I’msureshethinksherhitsarelight,butshe’s
delusionalandI’mleftrubbingmyarmovermyrapidlyformingbruise.“Remindmenottoturnto
youwhenI’mtryingtobetalkedoutofjumpingfromabridge.Iwaslookingforsympathy,ho.”

Caitlynsavesmefromshovingmyfootinmymouthanyfartherandreceivingmorebodily
harmwhenshewalksbackbehindthebartowardsAllie.Whenshespotsme,shethrowshertinyarms
uptosignalatouchdown.“Yes!I’vegotahotdatewithmyfootbathandabottleofwine,soconsider
megone,bitches!”

Caitlyn’swhatIimagineareal-lifeTinkerbellwouldbelike,exceptwithlongbrownhair.
Sheevenhasthespitfireattitude.MaybeI’llfinallybeabletotalkherintowearingthatcostumefor
thebar ’sSt.Patrick’sDaycelebrationthisyear.Iamdefinitelynottheonlyonewhowouldfindthat
funny.

Allieshakesherheadindisappointment.“Whenareyoufinallygoingtoletmesetyouup?”
She’sgotmaybefivebrotherswhoshecontinuallytriestopawnoffonunsuspectingfemales.I’ve
lostcountoftheexactnumber,though,soI’mnotsure.Thethingis,shedoesn’tseemtounderstand
they’renotallcatches.

“Whenyoucanassuremeafootmassageonthefirstdate.That’smystipulation.”

Handsonherhipsandfingerwagging,Alliereplies,“You’regoingtoregretitonedaywhen
youlookaroundandrealizeyouhavenoonetokeepyouwarmatnight.”

Caitlynjustraisesadisbelievingbrow.“AtleastIknowmydatetonightisguaranteedtoget
mewet.Badumtss.”EffectivelyputtinganendtoAllie’suselessattemptatmotivation,shethrowsher
handoverherheadandwigglesherfingersatusasshewalksout.

I’mlaughingsohardattheexpressiononAllie’sfacethatIsnort.Atthesound,sheturnsher
scheminglookawayfromCaitlyn’sretreatingbackandontome.Myamusementdies.

Nope,timetostickacorkinthatbullshitbottlerightthefucknow.

Itakeaverylargestepbackandmovemyfingerinaswivelmotion.“Whoa,now!Don’t
lookatme.Ialreadywentonareluctantdatewithoneofyourbrothersanditdidn’twork,soI’moff
thehook.Turnyourbeady,calculatingeyeselsewhere.”Shepromisedmeafterbadgeringmefora
yearthat,ifIwentononedatewithabrotherofherchoice,she’dstoptryingtosetmeupwithher
siblings.ThankfuckIgotitinwriting;she’sadamnpitbullwhenshewantstobe.

“Theonlyreasonitdidn’tworkisbecauseyoudidn’twantitto!”

Yeah,thatwasit.Itcouldn’tbebecausehewasmoreinterestedinhissteakthanme.Iscowl.
“Don’tmakemegetyourwrittenstatement,Allie.I’mnotdippingmytoeintoyourunfilteredgenetic
poolagain.”

Shematchesmyscowlandturnsherbodybutkeepsherheadfacingme,pinningmewithher
glareforaslongasshecanbeforeshehastohelpacustomerdownthebar.Ijustrollmyeyesandget
busypouringdrinks.Ilovethatgirl,butpartofmethinksshe’sinsane.

Tonightreallyisagoodnight,crowd-wise.Wedon’tevenfalltoofarbehindwhenAllie
takesherbreakandIhavetomakeafewcosmopolitansfortheairheadspositionedatatablebythe
bandstand.Thereisnothingworsethanhavingafullbarofpersistentcustomersandyouhavetostop
andmakeridiculousmixeddrinksthattheclienteleshouldknowbetterthantoorder.Ithoughtitwas
anunspokenbutuniversallyagreed-uponrule:Youcan’torderpinkdrinksifthebardoesn’tplay
JustinBieber.AndIpromiseyou,ourmanager,Wiley,wouldratherseehimselfdraggedoverhot
coalsbeforehelettheBiebsinhisjukebox.

Seeingmeheadtheirway,Ifeeltheirjudgmentalgazes.Iknowexactlywhattheysee—
artificiallybrightredhair,piercings.Myshortstatureboastsaflatstomach,toppedoffwithpretty
magnificentboobs.Ican’tgettoococky,though;MotherNaturesoughttoeveneverythingoutwitha
pairofbabybirthinghips.Seriously,ifIhavetohavegothroughchildbirthwithaC-section,I’m
goingtofuckingkillsomeone.Iamprettyconfidentinallmyattributes,excessivethoughsomemay
be.Lookingatyou,MotherNature.Somethingaboutthesecookie-cutterwomenalwayshasmeon
defense,however.

Walkingtowardsthem,cosmosinhand,Ireturntheirjudgmentalgazesandtakeintheir
outfits.Standarduniformofskintightdresses,overdonemakeup,andshoessohighI’dneedan
oxygenmaskfromthechangeinaltitude.Ilaughalittletomyselfatthepicturetheymake.Don’tthey
knowwhatkindofbarthisis?Theystickoutlikesorethumbsintheirapparel,butthenagainthat’s
probablythepoint.Myownoutfitconsistsofblackskinnyjeans,blackcombatboots,andaV-neckT-
shirtwiththebar ’slogo.Whatever;justaddittothepileof‘thingsI’llneverunderstand.’Ideliver
theirstupiddrinkswithatightsmileandwalkaway.Hopefully,that’sthehardestpartofmynight.

Westayjustassteadyuntilaboutmidnight,whenonlyahandfulofpeopleareleft.Isent
Dennisoffwithasmileandawaveacouplehoursago;itisonlyaTuesday,afterall.AllieandI
decidetoseizetheopportunitytostartcleaningupandputtingthingsinorder.Luckily,someonewith
ahugehard-onforThreeDaysGraceputashitloadofdollarsinthejukeboxawhileago,soeventhe
musicismakingmynightdownrightenjoyable.Okay.Thatmighthavebeenme.Might.I’mwiping
downthebar,intermittentlyholdinguparandomliquorbottletomymouthtouseasamicrophoneas
Isingalongto“TheGoodLife.”Allie’sgoofyselfismessingaroundrightalongwithme,playing
airdrumsanddoingtheclassicheadbangermove.She’sgood.I’dgetaheadacheafteraboutfive
seconds,butshe’stotallycommittedtothemusic.Soon,she’sforgottenaboutpilingemptybottlesin
theplasticbinandI’veabandonedmybarbackduties.We’rejusthavingfun.

Whenthesongends,I’moutofbreath,laughingandtryingtountanglemyhairfrommy
facefrommytwosecondsofheadbanging.Don’tjudgeme.IwantedtoshowIwascommittedtoo!
Thestragglersstillinthebarstartclappingandwhooping,andAllieandIperformaseriesof
shallowbowsforouradoringfans.Stillalittleoutofbreath,Istraightenup.I’vefinallysucceededin
gettingmytangledmassoutofmyfacewhenbutterflieseruptinmystomachasIcomefacetoface
withthemanwhosebabiesIwanttohave.NotbyCesarean.Areyoulistening,MotherNature?

Declanisleaningwithhisforearmsonthebarinfrontofme,sportinganamusedgrinonhis

fulllips.Hissmilesalwayscausemypulsetorace,especiallywhenI’mthereasonforthem.I
momentarilyallowmyselftobedistractedathowgoodhelookstonight.Hisdarkbrownhair—which
hewearsshortonthesidesandlongonthetop—isalittlemessy,andIknowhe’sbeentryingtokeep
thelonginchesfromhisfacebysweepingitbackwithhisfingers.Hisbeardisneatandtrimmed,like
italwaysis.It’saverygoodlookforhim,andIwaspleasantlysurprisedwhenhegrewitoutafew
monthsago;ithighlightshisruggedjawandgreatcheekbones.Shit,he’stall.I’mcraningmyneck
frommyfive-foot-threeelevationtojustdrooloverhisjaw.Icontinuemyperusalandtakeinhis
chest,sowideandcutitcauseshisgrayT-shirttostretchslightlyinordertofit.Ionlysnapoutofmy
lustdazewhensaidchestrumbleswithlaughteragain.Probablyatme.Waytobesubtle,Meg.My
suspicionsareconfirmedwhenmyeyesflytohisandseehe’swatchingmecheckhimout.

Idragmylowerlipbetweenmyteeth,debatingwhattodofromhere.IfIhadmyway,I’d
jumpoverthebarandattackhimhereandnow,customersbedamned.Hismoss-greeneyesfollow
themovementatmymouthandIdecidewhatthehell.Imayaswelltaketheopportunitytofinishmy
perusal.IcontinuefromwhereIleftoff,takinginhissculptedbicepsandheavyforearmsdeliciously
coveredincoloredink.Sigh.Ican’tthinkofanythingsexierthantattoosandpiercingsonaguy.For
somereason,it’smykryptonite.Mybrainjustsays,“Oh,look!Bodymodifications!Thislookslikea
goodspottoshutdown.”Stupidbrain.

Ican’twaittotakehissexyasshomeandlickeveryinchofhischiseledchest,followevery
curveofinkwithmytongue,andsuckeverytinyhoophehasinhisearintomymouthuntilhe
groanswithfrustration.

Ishakemyheadalittletoclearthefogandstopdroolingovermythoughts.I’mgetting
distracted,andIcanfeelDeclanstaringatme.Willingmylibidoundercontrol,Icatchhiseyesagain
andgrin.

“Hey,Declan.”Ileanforwardandmimichisposition,leaningmyforearmsagainstthebar.It
justsohappenstobringmyawesomecleavageintoprimeview.Hetakesthebaitandglancesatmy
chestforafewseconds,longenoughformetoseehisAdam’sappleworkasheswallowshard.

“Hey,Meg.Gotanencorecomingupsoon?”heteases,regaininghisrelaxedair.

“Nope,butthere’sashoweveryTuesdayatmidnight,”Ijoke.

“Goodtoknow.So,how’smyfavoritebartender?”

Ican’tgettooexcited,sinceI’mprettysurehesaysthattoallofus.

HaveImentionedhe’snotawareofthetorridloveaffairweshare?Mostlybecauseit’sonlyin

myhead?

CHAPTER2
MEG

“Hanginginthere.WhatcanIdoforyou?”Iprobewithgenuinecuriosity.It’slate,andI
wonderwhat’spromptedhimtocomeout.

“DoyouknowwhereWileyis?Imissedanappointmentwithhim,andhe’snotansweringhis
phone,”Declanasks,glancingaroundthebar.

WileyisthetreasurerfortheInfernalDemons.Healsomanagesthebar,whichincludes
schedulingthefightsthatDeclanparticipatesin.

“Yeah,hewasintheofficelasttimeIsaw.”Iseizemyopportunitytotouchhimandbriefly
restmyhandonhisexposedforearm.Hiseyesflareandelectricityshootsupmyarm.Iusuallytake
advantageofanyopeningIcantotouchhim,butIdon’tdoanythingmorethanthat.IthinkIjustlike
totorturemyselfwiththebriefencounters,tobehonest.Letthelightningfrymynerveendingsto
remindmewhathedoestome.“Givemeaminute,andI’lllethimknowyou’reheretoseehim.”

Ireluctantlyremovemyhandandwalkoutfrombehindthebar,headingdownthehalltothe

office.Itaponthedoorandgetnothing,soIopenitjustenoughtopokemyheadthroughandyellat
asleepingWileythatDeclanisheretoseehim.Papersscatteracrossthefloorashestartlesawake,
andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.

Shootingmeadisgruntledlook,Wileyslowlyunfoldshimselffromthechairbehindthe
desktostandtohisfullheightofsix-foot-four.HeliftshishandsabovehisheadandstretcheswhileI
waitpatientlyandcovertlyoglehim.He’sabigguy,builtandhandsome,withshaggy,lightbrown
hairandawickedskulltattooonhisneck.IalmostpeedmypantswhenIfirstmethim,butthenhe
smiledandtwoadorablematchingdimplespoppedout.Thosedimplestooktheunspokenthreatof
lossofliferightoutofhisprecedingglare.NotthatI’dtellhimthat.Ever.Ifonlymyheartwould
loseitsshitforhiminsteadofDeclan.Wiley’smuchmoreapproachable,withhiseasysmilesand
laid-backpersonality.Regrettably,hefitsintomyheartasthebrotherIneverhad.Nottomentionhe
probablyknowstoomuchaboutme,soIdon’tknowthathe’dbewillingtolethimselfgetinvolved
withmeandputhisclubatrisk.Sigh.Missedopportunityinanycase—Allie’stotallytappingthat
now.

Finishinghisridiculouslynoisyyawn,heletshismassivearmsdropagainsthissideswith
loudthuds.“Sendhimbackhere,willyou?Withabeer?”

Ifeignsympathy.“Needapick-me-upbeerafteryournap,huh?”

Helaughs.“Youknowit.AndIwasnappingthroughpaychecks,soifyoursismissingnext
week…”Heindicatesthenewmessofpapersstrewnaboutthefloor.“Well,itsuckstobeyou.”

IstickmytongueoutathimasIwalkoutofhisofficeandbackbehindthebar.Ismileat
Declanandindicatewithmythumb.“Iwokehimupforyou,soyou’regoodtogo.”

Hehookshisthumbsinhispocketsandgivesmeasmallsmirk.“Thanks,Ioweyouone.I’ve
onlyhadthebadluckofwakinghimuponcebefore.”Heshakeshishead.“Thatassholetookaswing
atme.Afterthat,IsworeI’dlethimbewokenupbythegrenadethatwasabouttolandnexttohim
beforeItriedtodoitagain.”

Ilaughed.“Luckily,he’snevertakenaswingatme.I’dhaveshovedmybootsofaruphisass
I’dcarvehimanewdigestivetract,butreallyit’seasiertodoitfromthedoorwaywithabouttenfeet

ofsafedistancefromhisspasticself.”

Theguyiskindofamesswhenhe’sstartled.IhavenoideahowAlliedoesit.Probably
chucksshitathimfromacrosstheroomtoremainoutofthelineoffire.

“Well,thanksforthebraveryonmyaccount.”

“You’rewelcome.I’dneverturndownadamselindistress,”Itease.Pullingtwobottlesof
Shinerfromthecooler,Iholdthemouttohim.“Here.Agiftforthedragon,andoneforthedamsel.”
Mysmilewidens.Hechuckles,andthesoundwarmsmyinsides.Hereachesforthemandourhands
brushmid-exchange.MynostrilsflareandIcanfeelthebloodrushtofillmyface.Myeyessnapto
histoseeifhefeelsittoo,andthecornerofhismouthistippedinasmall,butsecretsmile.He’s
eitherlaughingatmyfacenowmatchingthecolorofmyhairormaybe,justmaybe,he’sgettingthe
samethrilloutofthisthatIdo.

Withawink,hewalksofftowardstheoffice,beersinhand.

Ileanmyelbowsonthebarandrestmyheadinmypalms,staringathisdisappearing
backside.It’ssuchaniceback.Sowideandwelldefined,accompaniedgloriouslybyhistonedassand
thighs.Man,Idonotknowwhatitisaboutaman’sthighs,butmuscularonesalwaysgetmypanties
wet.Iguessitcouldbeworse—Icouldhaveafootfetish.Butthenagain,maybeIdo.Idefinitely
wouldn’tturnawaytheopportunitytostareathisfeet.Iknowforafactthey’rewideand—

“Ouch!”IgingerlyrubthebackofmyheadwhereAlliejustslammedheropenpalmagainst
it.

“Quitdrooling,younut.It’sdownrightcreepy.”

“Buthisfeet—”Iwhine.

“Nope.Nocompletingthatthought.Iloveyou,butit’stooweird.Evenforme.”

Istickmytongueoutather,butherexpressionturnsserious.“Whenareyougoingtomakea
moveonthatboy?It’sbeenayearandahalf,already.”

“Actually,it’sbeenoneyear,fourmo—”IbreakofflaughingasItrytoduckhernextattack.
I’mjustmakingthatuptomesswithher.Ithasbeenayearandahalf,giveortake,sincehestarted
cominghere.Or,moretothepoint,sinceI’vehadathingforhim.

“Exactly,youcreep-tasticperv!It’stimetodosomething,”Alliedemands,squaringher
shoulders.Shoot,maybeIwasrashincallingWileythedragonearlier.Allielookslikeshe’sready
forbattleherself.

Soberingupfrommypreviousplayfulattitude,Ilookaroundtomakesureeveryonehasleft
beforeIhavethisconversation.Alliealreadyknowsaboutmycrushonhim,sinceI’mnotexactlythe
typetosufferinsilence,butIstilldon’twanttherestoftheworldtoknow.

Seeingthecoastisclear,Iturnbacktoher.“Idon’tknow,Allie.I’mnotsureI’mreadytoput
myselfouttherelikethat.I’mkindofthrivingoffthebriefencountersforrightnow.And,personally,
I’mhopingthesefeelingsmaygoawayjustasquicklyastheycameon.”Booyah.Mymiddlename
shouldbe‘Practical.’Icanliveoffthetouchesfornowuntiltheystopsendingshocksthroughmy
system.Noharm,nofoul.

Alliedoesn’tknowwhyI’mholdingback,butI’msureshe’sfiguredoutsomething
significanthashappenedtomakemehesitate.Afterall,Declandoespresenttheperfectpictureof

boyfriendmaterial.He’sgorgeous,charming,andfunny.Moreimportantly,Declandoesn’tuse
everythingGodgavehimtohelphimnailanythingthatcrosseshispathwithmoreestrogenthan
testosterone.Whichsaysalotabouthischaracter.

However,thesethingsthatmakehimsogreatalsomakehimincrediblythreateningtome.
Fromhard-earnedexperience,I’velearnedthepersonsomeonepresentsinpublicisn’tnecessarily
thesamepersonwhentheaudienceisgone.WhatifIfallforhimandhistoryrepeatsitself?Orworse
yet,whatifIfallforhimandheiseverythingheseemstobe…anddoesn’tfallforme?

I’veonlybeenononedateinthethreeyearsAllie’sknownme,andthatwasherbrother.I
didn’tevenwanttogobutIknewhewouldn’tpresentathreatinthelongrun,soitwasreallyjust
aboutappeasingAllie.

Sheshakesherheadatme,sharingmytorturedexpression.“That’sridiculous.Youstarted
crushingevenwhenyou’dhadzerosignificantinteractionwithhim,soitwouldstandtoreasonthat
yourfeelingswillcontinuewithzerosignificantinteractionwithhim.Tobreakthecycle,forbetter
orworse,youhavetoapproachhim.Spendtimewithhimandlearntoslayhim,orlearntodrop
him.”

Wow.Ijustgotout-logic-ed.Idon’tthinkIlikeit.

Ipursemylipsindistaste.“I’mnotsureIcouldtakeitifhedidn’tfeelthesamewayabout
me.”Itwouldbeahugeleaptoputmyselfoutthereandbethatvulnerable.Myself-confidencehas
comealongway,butevenathree-hundred-poundlinebackercouldstillbehurtifyouhithimthe
rightway.

Shestartsmassaginghertemples,exasperated.“You’reoblivious,aren’tyou?Likeyou
legitimatelydonotknow?”

Istartturningupchairsonthetables,hopingshegetsthehintthatIdon’twanttotalkabout
thisanymore.“WhatamIsupposedtoknow?”Iask,preoccupied.

Alliestudiesmyfaceamomentandeventuallywavesmyquestionaway.“Whatever.You’ll
findouteventually.Butanyway,it’sexactlyhowyou’relivingnow.You’relivingyourlifewithout
himactivelyreturningyourfeelings.”

IfinishupendingthechairinmyhandandturntoAllie.She’snotgettingthedifference.“Yes,
buthedoesn’tknowmenow,notreally.”Isayitslowlyandclearly,tryingtospellitoutforher.“And
Idon’ttechnicallyknowhowhefeelsaboutme.Hecouldhavesecretshrinesinhisclosetdedicatedto
me,orhecouldn’tcarelessifIfalloffthefaceoftheEarth.Buttogetupcloseandpersonalandbare
mysoul,onlytohavehimrejectmeforit?Idon’tknowthatIcanhandlethat.”

“Ithinkyou’reunderestimatinghim,”shesaysslowly.“Thinkaboutwhatmadeyoulose
yourheadforhiminthefirstplace.Youdidn’thavetoreadhispreteendiaryandcurrenttax
statementstodecidethathe’searnedhisveryownbeehiveinyourbelly,didyou?”

Iclosemyeyes.Shit,she’sright.Again.Damn,Ihatewhenthathappens.Ididn’thavetoget
closetohimtoknowhewasgoingtoaffectmelikenooneeverhad.IthinkbacktothetimeIfirst
tooknoticeofhimandsighjustrememberingwhatitdidtome.Whilehehadbeentothebarafew
times,myfatewassealedthefirsttimeIeversawhimsmile.Reallysmile,Imean,notjustasmirkor
apoliteresponse.Idon’tevenknowwhatorwhohadcausedit,butitwashugeandwarmandshowed
pure,unfetteredhappiness.Hiswarmgreeneyescrinkledatthecornersasaloud,surprisedlaugh
tumbledout,alaughthatstillmakesmetinglejustthinkingaboutit.Irememberthinkingitsounded

rusty,definitelyunderused,andIwantedtobetheonetofixthat.Thehappinesspaintedonhisfacein
thatmomentwastheessenceofpurejoy,andIwantedasmuchofitasIcouldget.Iwantedtobethe
reasonthatsoundfilledmyears.

Thatsamecompellingfeelingcompoundedwitheveryexchange,histouchbringingeverycell

inmybodybacktolife.Everysmile,everybrushofhisfingers,andeverybreathIfeelonmy
shoulderasIpurposelyreachacrosshimmakesmyheartleaptomythroatandmylungsceaseto
function.Hispullisdownrightmagnetic.

IopenmyeyesagaintoseeAlliegivingmeaknowingsmileattheadoring,dreamylook
that’stakenover.Shegrabsmyfacebetweenbothhands,searchingmyeyes.“You’recheatingbothof
youifyoudon’tatleasttrytoseeifthisattractionmeansanything.”Shepullsherhandsfrommenow
thatshe’sdrivenherpointhome.

Takingherwordsintoconsideration,myheartstartstopound.Nowthatshe’sgotme
consideringleapingoffthehighdive,myadrenalineiswakingup.Iwipemysuddenlysweatypalms
againstmyjeans,“Maybe.But…I’mnotevensurewheretostart.Orhowtostart,forthatmatter.”

“You’llfigureitout.Ofcourse,itwon’tbeeasy,butdon’tyouthinkit’llbeworthit?Ifhe
fallsforyou,you’llhaveanamazingstorytotellyourgrandchildren.Reallyplayupyourbravery.
Otherwise,atleastyouwon’tbeonyourdeathbedplaguedwiththe‘what-ifs.’”

“Thanks,Ms.Miyagi.”Aw,snap.Shepulledoutthehardcorephilosophicalwisdom.

“You’rewelcome,grasshopper.”Sheshrugsandfinallyletsthesubjectdropsowecanfinish
upandgohome.Sheknowsshe’sgottenmethinking,buttherestisuptome.CanIdoit?Sacrifice
thesmallpleasureIgetnowandrisknothavingitatallifitdoesn’tturnoutthewayIwouldhope?

CHAPTER3
MEG

Myphonegoesoffatteninthemorning.Withagroan,Ireachovertoswipemyscreenand
turnoffthealarmbeforepromptlyburyingmyheadinthepillowagain.Stupidalarm.Wait…Why
didIsetanalarm?ThisisaboutthetimeIrealizethere’syellinggoingoninthedistance.Dammit.I
hadansweredacall.Whoeveritisbetterbedying.Withoutlookingatthescreen,Iputitagainstmy
faceandsayasmuch.

“Well,that’sonewaytogreettheonepersonintheworldwhohasthebestnewsever.”

“DoyouhavemyPublishersClearingHousecheck?”

IhearAlliesighloudlyinannoyance.“YouknowIdon’t.”

“Thenthanksforplaying,butI’mhangingupnow.”Iamnotamorningperson.ButbeforeI
canhangup,Ihearherscream,“YouhangupthisphonerightnowandIwillpunchyouinthethroat,
woman!”

Ouch.She’lldoittoo.

Isitupagainstmyheadboardandgetcomfortable.Thisisobviouslynotgoingtobeover
quickly.“Fiiiine.What’sgoingonthatyouhavetowakemeupsoearly?”

“It’snotthatearly.Besides,it’sabeautifulday.Throwbackthecurtainsandenjoythis
gorgeousweatherwhileitlasts.”

Ican’tkeepfromrollingmyeyes,evenifshecan’tseeme.Ifshewokemeupjusttotellme
toenjoythesunshineI’mhanginguponher.Threatornot,sheknowsI’mnotmybestbefore
caffeine.“Allie,gettothepoint!Ineedcoffee,orbetteryet,tobecomatoseagain.”

“Geez.Allthebitch.”Iignorethatcommentmostlybecauseshe’sright.“Well,rememberthat
conversationwehad?AboutDeclan?”

“Yeah.”OfcourseIdid.I’vehadtroublesleepingwiththedecisionweighingonme,whichis
whyIwasamiteextracrankytoday.Ofcourse,seeingDeclanlastnightgotmeallhotandbothered,
whichisn’thelpingeither.NowI’mhorny,confused,andafraid.Perfect.

“Well,Ifoundawaytostartyourhostiletakeover.”Shepausesfordramaticeffect,andIlet
her,hopingshe’lllandherplanesoon.“Declan.Iknowofawaythatwillletyouspendmoretime
withhim.Close.Physical.Contact.Nowaywillhebeabletoresistyouwhenyou’reallupinhis
grill!”

Oh,hellno.Irunfrustratedfingersthroughmyhairandgripmyscalp.Shebetternotbe
implyingwhatIthinksheis.She’sbeenthreatingthissincedayone.“Idon’tcarethatyou’vefinally
figuredouthisfavoritestripjoint.I’mstillnotstripping,Allie.”Hertheoryisthatmencan’tresist
half-nakedwomen,andbeingastripperisthemostlogicalwaytogetthere.Ialwaysthoughtshewas
kidding,butnowI’mnotsosure.

Alliemerelylaughsinresponse.Oh,good.I’mgladwe’repastthat.“No,unfortunately,Istill
don’tknowthat.Yet.Butyouknowhowheownsthatgymdowntown?CorpsStrength,Ithink.”Igrunt
inacknowledgementforhertocontinue.“Well,lastnight,hegaveWileyastackofflyerstopintothe
bulletinboardatthebar.Heleftafewonthetablewhenhegothomelastnight.Anddoyouknow
whatthoseflyerssaid?”

I’dbeenabletocasuallygleansomeinformationonDeclanfromWileyinthepast,soIknew
heownedthegym.IalsoknewheservedintheMarineCorpsforeightyears,throughfourtours.
Turnsout,heservedwithsomeoftheguysfromtheclub,includingWiley,whichiswheretheir
friendshiporiginated.

Ishakemyhead,forcingmyselftofocusandplayalong.ReallyonlybecauseIknowit’llbe
requiredofmebeforeshegivesup.“Idon’tknow.He’slookingforabartenderforhisjuicebar?”
Doeshisplaceevenhaveajuicebar?Isaserverofjuiceevenconsideredabartender?Ididn’tthink
so,ineithercase.

Regardless,she’ssatisfiedwithmyguessandmoveson.“Nope!”shesays,poppingthep.
“He’sdecidedtoofferclasses!ClasseslikeKravMaga…”shedrawsoutslowly.

Iimmediatelycatchon,almostleapingfromthebed.I’mdefinitelyawakenow,anddefinitely
excited.“Oh,myGod!”Iyell.IstartsquealingandAllie,blessherheart,squealswithme.

Ialmostcan’tbelieveit.Thiscouldbeit!Thisisfatehandingmeafreakingboneandtelling
mewhattheresultofmycointosswas.Icanstopagonizingoverdecidingmypotentialfuturetorture
—rejection,orlackofaction.

Callmeasucker,butIcallthatasign.

CHAPTER4
MEG

I’msittinginmycaroutsidethegym,givingmyselfapeptalkthatwouldmaketheGipper
proud.Isignedupfortheclassesatnoonduringtheweek.I’msurethetimeismeanttodrawinthe
lunchcrowd,peoplelookingtomaketheirlunchhourproductive,butI’mhopingitwon’tbetoo
crowded.Increasedexposurewillmakeforincreasedefficiency.Takingonefinaldeepbreath,Iclimb
outofmycarandheadfortheentrance.

TheyoungguyatthefrontdeskgreetsmeandpointsmetothelockerroomwhereIcan
storemystuff.Alongtheway,Igawkatthegoings-onaroundme.Thereareseveralmatsinthe
centeronwhichhalf-nakedmeninpadsaresparring.Fitnessmachineslineonewall,andfreeweights
lineanother.Thebackwallismadeupofmostlyglass,andyoucanseeinsidetheexerciserooms.
Thewholeplacelookssosleekandmodern.Ishouldhavestartedworkingoutherewaybeforenow.
Thisplaceisreallynice.Nojuicebarthough.Iwasright.

Inthebackofonecornerisahallwaywithvariousotherdoors—offices,Iimagine—and
finallythelockerrooms;womenononesideofthehall,menontheother.Quicklystoringmystuff,I
walkbacktotheaerobicroomassignedtotheclassandjumprightintothecrowdasDeclanstartsto
addresshisstudents.

Ifollowalong,attemptingtokeepmyattentionontheinstructionmoresothantheinstructor.
Wedosomewarm-upsthathavemebreathingheavybythetimewefinish,andIknowit’snotfrom
mylackofendurance.WhenIfirstmovedtoHouston,Ienrolledmyselfinseveralself-defense
classesforpeaceofmind.Idon’ttakethemasreligiouslyasIusedtothough;Imustbebecoming
complacent.ButIdokeepupwithmycardio.Whichleadsmetobelieveit’sDeclan’sbasketball
shortsliftingeachtimehechangesstances,showingmehisbulgingquads,thathasmeincapableof
evenbreaths.Everytime.Focus.

Abouthalfwaythroughtheclasswe’vebeenpairedofftopracticeexercises,eachtaking
turnstoholdthepadtheotherwailsagainst.Well,Iusetheterm‘wail’loosely,asI’mpairedwitha
middle-agedman,Robert,whowouldprobablybemoreathomeinapotteryclass.

Declanwalksaroundtheroom,analyzingandcorrectingourforms.WhenhegetstoRob
andme,myanxietyrampsup.RoberthasthepadandI’mpracticinghammerfists.Correction
—attemptingtopracticehammerfists.It’snotpretty.IswearIknowwhatI’mdoing,butDeclanbeing
socloseisthrowingmeoff.HerepositionsmyarmandItrytocontrolmybreathing,whichsuddenly
wantstostop.Heholdsmyarmupparallelagainsthis,tocorrectmyform,hiswarm,hair-roughened
skincausinggoosebumpstobreakoutacrossmybody.

“Youdon’twanttogooutofthisrange;thisiswhereyou’llbethemoststable.You’llbeable
tobuildupenoughenergytohurtyourattackerwithoutinflictingdamageonyourself.”He’slooking
atmeashetalks,andIputmygamefaceonlongenoughtoabsorb.WhenItryagain,helayshishand
onmyshoulderbrieflyandsays,“Good.Keepworking.Andharder,don’tbeafraidtohurtthepad.”
Withthat,hemoveson,butIstillfeelthewarmth.

Declanaside,Ireallyamenjoyingmyselfduringtheclass.He’sagreatteacherand
motivator.There’snothingworsethanbeingtaughtbysomeonewhodoesn’twanttobethere.

WhenDeclandismissestheclass,Iplopdownonthefloortocooldownandattemptto
stretchmysorelyabusedmusclesbeforetheytightenuponme.

“Myhero.Gladyoucouldmakeittoday,”IhearDeclantease,referringtoourbanterafew
nightsago.

Ilookupfrommytoetouchandgrinathim.“Wecan’tallbeClarkKent;mostofusheroes
havetokeeppracticing.Gottostayinshapeforthenexttimeyoufaint.”

Hebarksoutasurprisedlaughandcrosseshisarmsacrosshischest,clearlygetting
comfortable.“Oh,Ifainted,huh?”Imovetostandandheholdshishandouttohelpme.Idon’t
hesitatetotakeit.Hishandishugeandwarmandengulfsmine.WhenI’monmyfeet,Itrytorelease
hishand,buthedoesn’tletgo.

Igulp,eyesgluedtoourconnection.Tryingnottofocusonourratherdistractingphysical
contact,Isay,“Hellyeah.That’sthestory,andyouwon’tconvincemeotherwise.Anddon’tforget,I
servepeopleaheapinghelpingofmybullshitwithasideofalcohol,sowatchout.”Ishakemyhead
sadly.“Yourreputationisasgoodasdestroyed.”

Slowly,hereleasesmyhand,nodding,“Wellthen,atleastIstillhaveyoutofightmybattles
forme.YougoingtofightTroyerformenextmonth?”Oh,hellno.I’mgoingtohavetopassonthat.
JonathanTroyerbearsastartlingresemblancetoDwayneJohnson.Seeingmyeyeswiden,he
continues,histurntoreallywarmuptotheteasing.“Oh,yeah.Youknow,thiscouldwork.You’re
tiny,butthat’llbetoyourbenefit.You’llbesoquickyoucouldhavehimunconsciousbeforeheeven
knowsthebellrang.They’llcallyouMeg‘TheViper ’James.”Hebringsonehanduptorubhisjaw
thoughtfully.“Ithinkwecouldmakethishappen.”Heshadowboxestopunctuatehisstatement,
stoppingafteracouplequickjabs.

Myeyebrowsarch.“Uh-huh.Iconcede.Youwin.IthinkI’lljuststicktopouringbeers.”
Becauseyeahright.

“Tsktsk,”heteases,shakinghishead.“Youputonthatcape,youbetterbereadytobe
Superman.”

“Ithinkmycapeisatthecleanersafterall.”

Helaughs.“So,areyoucomingbacknextweekorhaveIscaredyouaway?”

“Oh,no.Iamdefinitelycomingback.Apparently,I’vegotsomepent-uptensiontoworkout,
andbeatingtheshitoutofaplasticpadseemstohelp.Don’twanttosnapandbeatacustomer.”

Henodsinunderstanding.“Asafrequentcustomer,Iappreciatethat.Yourchokeholdsare
solid.I’dprefernottobeinoneifIhappentopissyouoff.”Herubshisneckwithapained
expression.Ilikehisteasing;he’sfunny.

Inodsolemnly.“Soreally,it’sforthebettermentofmankind.WhoamItodenyit?”

Droppingthegag,hesays,“Youreallydidwelltoday.Don’tbeafraidtocorrectRob’sform
nexttime.”

Ismile,soakingupthecompliment.“Noted.”

“Great.I’llcatchyoulater,Meg.”Hewalksaway,throwingasmileoverhisshoulderatme.

Thiswasagoodmove.IoweAllieafewbottlesofwine.

I’mconfidentinsayingI’mnolongerjustthegirlwhopourshisbeers.

Win.

CHAPTER5
DECLAN

“Hey,man,youwantone?”WileygesturestothebeerinhishandasIjoinhimatatable.

Ishakemyheadinanswer.“No,I’vegotafightlater.”

“Oh,shit,that’sright.Yeah,nofuckingbeerforyou.Youpukeonmymatsandyou’llbe
cleaningitup.So,yougonnakickHolloway’sass,orareyougonnaletthatshit-talkingpussywhip
yours?”

“Isthatguystilltalkingshit?Heshouldn’tevenbefightingme.Icouldjustsitonhimand
crushhim.”Gottogiveittohimforlobbyingforthisfightthough.He’sbrave.Orcrazy.Theguyis
five-foot-ninetopsandremindsmeofthatsmall,beady-eyedguyfromTopGear.I’vegotatleasthalf
afootandthirtypoundsonhim.“Whatthefuckdoeshewantfromthisfight,anyway?”

“Whoknows?Maybethemoney?Ithinkit’saNapoleoncomplex,personally.Justlethimget
hisasskicked,ifthat’swhathewants.”Wileyshrugsandleansbackinhischair.

There’snosportinthatthough.Ifighttogetmyadrenalinefix,andthatlittleshit’snotgoing
togiveittome.I’veseenhimfightbefore;hedoesn’tevenhavethebenefitofbeingfastforhis
smallerstature.Iletoutafrustratedbreathandliftmyhandtoflagsomeonedown.Ineedtohydrate
beforeIstepintothisshitshow.

Lookingaround,IseeI’vecaughtMeg’sattentionandIalmostletlooseasmileinpredatory
satisfaction.Ilovewatchingherblushforme.ThereisnothingsexierthanknowingIaffectherlike
that.Iwonderwhatshe’sthinkingthatcausestherushofblood.Ihopeit’sthesamescenarioIthink
about.

Irunmyeyesoverhershape,fantasizingaboutthedayIgettorunmyhandsalongeveryinch

ofhersmoothskin.IwanttowatchthetrailofgoosebumpsasImakemywaydown.I’mfucking
desperatetoknowifshe’llblushallover.

Mythoughtsareinterruptedbyalowgrowlinthebackground.Shit.Iknowbetterthantodo
thatwhileWiley’saround.IclearthesuddenlumpfrommythroatandturnbackaroundonceIsee
Meggestureshe’llbebyinaminute.

“Fuck!Whatthehell,asshole?”IglareatWiley.Fuckerjustsmackedmeupsidethehead!

“KeepyourschemingeyesoffMeg.Dick,”hedemands.

“Scheming?Ijustneedsomefuckingwater.Jackass,”Istateinfalselyinnocentoutrage.

Hecrosseshisarmsacrosshischestandcocksaneyebrowatme.“CuttheShirleyTemple
bullshit.YouandIbothknowyou’refullofshit.Leave.Her.Alone.”

Allright.Iimitatehisbodylanguage,onthedefensenow.Ifwe’resuddenlybeinghonest…
“Why?”

WileygesturesatMegwithhischin.“Thatgirlhasbeenthroughmorethanyouknow,andI
won’thaveyoujackingheraround.”

“Whatexactlydoesthatmean?”Igrowl,insulted.I’mnotanasshole,andIdon’tintendon
jackingheraround.Icanunderstandshe’sbeenthroughshit—whohasn’t?I’mnotaskinghertobuy
thecemeteryplotnexttomine;Ijustthinkwecanspendsometimetogether,havesomefun.She’s

beautiful,smart,andfunny.Whatmandoesn’twantawomanlikethataround?

“Notmybusinesstotellyou.She’llshareifandwhenshewants,butinthemeantime—”
Wileyleansforwardinahostilestance,fingerpointedatmychest“—thatgirlisjustasmuchfamily
tomeasyouare,butIwillnothesitatetoputyouinthefuckinggroundoverher.”

Igetit.She’slikeasistertohim.ButfuckifIlethisfearforherfeelingsstopMegandme
fromgettingwhatwewantanymore.AndIfuckingknowshewantsit.

Ileanbackinmychair,gettingcomfortable.Upuntilnow,I’veletWileywarnmeaway,and
I’veletMeg’sobvioushesitationkeepmeaway.Igetthatshe’sbeenthroughsomething,butnothing
isgettingsolvedbymeholdingback.Ithinkthetimer ’sfinallyup.“Youknow,Irespectwhatyou’re
saying,Wiley.”AndIdo.It’soutofconcernanditcomesfromapureplace,Icanseethat.“ButI
don’tthinkthat’sgoingtobeenoughtostopmeanymore.”

Hisfaceregisterssurpriseforaminutebeforeitmorphsintoanger.“Youbetternotbe
sayingwhatIfuckingthinkyouare.”

Inod,lookinghimdirectlyintheeye.“Youcan’tprotectherforever,Wiley,”Isaycarefully.
“Youknowshewantsmetoo.Shecanmakedecisionsforherself.Youjusthavetolether.”Ihaven’t
wantedtofightoverthisinthepast,butnowI’mwillingtooifthat’swhatheneeds,andItellhimthat.

“Oh,God.Please,nofightinginhere!”Megbegsasshecatchesthetailendofmystatement
toWiley.Idon’tbreakeyecontact,waitingtoseewhathisreactionis.

HisglareneverleavesmyfaceashetellsMeg,“No,Meg.Therewon’tbefightinginhere.
DeclanwasjusttellingmehewantstofightMartinezsoon.”

Well,shit.Ihatethatfucker,andWileyknowsit.Iknowthesearen’tsanctionedbouts,butthat
assholefightsdirty.Butifthat’swhatittakes…IliftmychinatWileyinacceptance,understanding
I’vejustbeengivenreluctantpermission,awarning,andapunishmentalldishedoutinonesentence.
Heholdsmystareaminutelongerbeforelookingawayatthecrowd.IturntoseeMeg’sconfused
expressionandfeeltheelationflowoverme.Fuckingfinally.

“IthinkI’mmissingsomething,”shesays,glancingbetweenmeandWiley.

Ijustshrugatherstatement,lettingagrinspreadovermyface.“Definitely.Butdon’tworry
aboutit.”Iwatchashereyesdrawdowntomylips,andittakeseverythingIhavenottopullhertomy
laprightnow.ButI’vejustwonamajorvictorywithWiley.NowIneedtoconvinceher.

***

MEG

Whoa.Ihaveundoubtedlywalkedinonsomethinghere.Whateveritis,IthinkDeclanwon.
Wileylookslikehe’sabouttoshitabrick,andDeclanlooksliketheproverbialcatwhoatethe
canary.

“Uh,okay.WhatcanIgetyouguys?”Nosenseinhangingaroundthistenseatmosphereany
longerthannecessary.

Declanrubshisbeardthoughtfullyforamoment.“Yeah,Meg.Canyoutellmewhatthattap
is?”He’spointingtotherowofbeertapsagainstthewallbehindthebar.

Isquint,attemptingtofollowthedirectionhe’spointingin.FuckifIcanseewhathe’stalking
about.“Ihavenoideawhichoneyoumean,Declan.”

“Here.”Hetakesmyhandinhis,andIcanfeelmypulsebegintopound.AllIcanthinkisthat
hemustreallywantthisbeer;Declandoesn’tnormallytouchmesoovertly.Inordertofollowmy
handandseethetapsfrommystandingpositionatthetable,Ihavetoleanoverhim,andIam
immediatelyovercomebythecleansandalwoodscentradiatingfromhiswarmskin.I’mhuffinghim
likehe’sagoddamnSharpieandI’majunkielookingforahigh.IclosemyeyeslikethecreepIam
andenjoymybreastpressedagainsthishardchest.

“Meg?”Hiswarmbreathcaressesmycheek.“Meg?”

Iclearmythroat,attemptingtoregulatemybreathingagain,butfuckisithard.“Whi-Which
one?”Istutterthrough,butmanagetogetitout.

Ifeelhissmilemorethanseeit.Ican’tlook.Iwon’tberesponsibleformyactionsifIseehis
smilesoclose—anddirectedatme,noless.“Thegreenandredone.”

Icarefullyextricatemyselffrommypositionacrosshisbodyandswallowacoupleoftimes
tobringsomesalivabackintomyrecentlydrymouth.Idon’tevenneedtoseewhichonehewas
pointingat,Iknowtheone.“Tha—”Istoptoclearmythroatagain.Smooth,Meg.Deepbreath.Geta
holdofyourself!“That’stheDonJalapeñobyNoLabel.”Ichanceaglanceathimandseehe’sstaring
atmythroatasitworksinoverdrive.“It’stheirspringseasonalbeer.Reallygood,butonlyifyou’re
notafraidofpepper.”

Declanliftshisintensegazetomeetmineagain,andIseethathispupilsaredilated.Heleans
closertome.“GoodthingIliketheheat,”hesays,hisvoicelow.“Savesomeformeafterthefight.
Fornow,canIgetsomewater?”

AmIblinkingtoomuch?IthinkI’mblinkingtoomuch.Whataboutswallowing?IknowI’m
swallowingtoomuch.DidIgetdroppedintoanalternateuniverse?Issomeonegoingtosay,“Thanks
forallthecheese,”next?Idon’tnormallyenduponthereceivingendofasmolderingDeclan...His
testosteronemustbethroughtheroofbeforethefight.Right?NotthatI’mcomplaining.

“Yeah.Okay.”Iwalkawayquickly,stilloverwhelmedandcaughtoffguard,ignoringthe
“Ow,fucker!Thatwasmyshin!”IhearDeclanyellfrombehindme.Firststop,theladies’roomto
changemypanties,thentogethiswater.Someoneelseisgoingtohavetobringittohimthough;I
onlyhaveonesparepairofpantieswiththeemergencychangeofclothesIkeepinmylocker.

IdidpeekinonhisfightagainstHollowayonmybreak,andwastreatedtohisglistening
bodyrollingaroundthefloor…Sure,hewasdownthereputtingHollowayinanarmbar,butitwas
stillverysexy.

Unfortunately,Ididn’tgettogivehimthatbeerlater;hedisappearedintoWiley’sofficeafter
thefightandIdidn’tseehimbeforemyshiftwasup.Iwashopingtoseeifhewasstillinsmolder
mode.

Oh,well.Nexttime.

CHAPTER6
MEG

“Orderup,Meg.Canyougetthattotableeight?”

I’matworkthenextfightnightandit’sacrushinhere.Itusuallyiswhentherearefights
scheduledandhonestly,I’dprobablyavoidthemifthemoneyweren’tsogood.Keepingmycool
whileweavingthroughtightgroupsofpeopleandemphaticdrunkswithatrayfullofopendrinks
guaranteesIearneveryfreakingpenny.

IhissatJordy,thebartenderworkingwithmetonight,inresponsetoherquestionwhenIget
closeenoughforhertohear.Shejustshrugsapologeticallyinanswerandwalksdownthebartotake
anotherorder.It’snotherfault,Iknow,butdamn!Ijustfinishedanobstaclecoursetryingtogetback
tothebar.

Ipickupthetrayofbeersandheadtothebacktable.Thankfully,myduckingskillsareon
pointorIwouldhaveeatenthecementwhenacustomerthrewanarmouttogestureacrosstheroom.

Iearnedacookieforthat.I’mdefinitelyhavingonewhenIgethome.

Iarriveatthetablewithalldrinksstilluprightonthetray,proudsmileaffixedtomyface.
WhenIseewho’ssittingthere,myproudsmileturnstooneofgenuinepleasure.

“Hey,guys.”I’mmetwithacheerfromacoupleoftheguyssittingaroundthetable.

“Beersareup!”yellsMark.

“Dude,whothefuckorderedthelightbeer?Thatshittasteslikehorsepiss,”UnknownMan
NumberOnesayswithadisgustedlook.

“Idid,douchebag.Ineedtowatchmygirlishfigure,”Aidenresponds,handspositioned
comicallyonhisheadandhip,earningalaughandacouplecatcalls.“Besides,it’sbetterthanthat
mudcrapyoudrink.”

“Mud?Didyoujustcallcarefulundertonesofcoffeeandmalt‘mud’?”Heslamshispalmon
thetableandcallsout,“Blasphemy!”

Meanwhile,Ijuststandtherewithmyeyebrowsupduringthisexchange.Oddduckies.To
avoidfurtherdisplays,Ijustgoaheadandsettheirbeersdownonthetable.

“Dude,youscaredthehotladywho’scarryingthesweet,sweetbrewoflife.Notcool,”
UnknownManNumberTwosays.

Wileyfinallyspeaksup.“Brandon,thisisMeg.She’soneofmybestbartendershere.”He
gestureswithhishand.“Meg,thisisBrandon.He’sanidiot.”

IlaughandleanforwardtoshakeBrandon’shand.“It’snicetomeetyou,Brandon.”

Hedoesn’tletmeimmediatelypullmyhandaway,insteadbringsitcloserandturnsitto
placeakissonmypalm.Mymouthdropsopenalittleinshock.“Enchanté,Meg.”

Awkwardlaughterbubblesinmythroat.Isthisguyforreal?

“Layingitonalittlethickthere,huh,Brandon?”Declanasksfromacrossthetable,takinga
longpullfromhisbeer.

“Thick?There’snosuchthing.Iaimtogetthisgirltonoticeme,andforthatIhavetowork

alittlehardertostandout.Butyouwouldn’tknow,sinceyouhavenogame.”

Endeavoursuccessful.I’mdefinitelynoticinghimandhisdarkchocolateeyes.

Heturnsbacktome,ignoringDeclan.“So,Meg,tellme.Doyouenjoyyourjob?”Hestillhas

myhand,sorunningawaydoesn’tseemlikeanoption;besides,thisisinteresting.Sure,guyshave
flirtedwithmebefore,butitalwaysseemsshallowandjustingoodfun—notthatI’veencouragedit
inareal,yes-let’s-datescenario.I’veonlyeverhadeyesforDeclan,butthisguyisdownright
entertainingandcutetoboot.Hisshortblondhairhasnoorganizationtoit,givinghimalaid-back
air,buthisrockingbodytellsmehe’snoslouch.ToobadIdon’thavethesamereactionforhimthatI
doforDeclan.

“Ido.Ilikegettingtomeetnewandinterestingcharacters.”Igrinathim,clearlyconveying
he’soneofsaidcharacters.

“Ah.Andwhenareyoufreefromthisplacetogettoknowacharacterbetter?”Hewaggles
hiseyebrowssuggestively,andanhonest-to-Godgiggleescapes.

“Asshole.Shecan’tdatecustomers,”Declansays,gettingannoyed.

Huh?Iturntohim,confused,andhejuststaressteadilybackatme,expressionblank.Since
whencanInotdatecustomers?“JustbecauseIhaven’tdoesn’tmeanIcan’t.”IlooktoWileyfor
confirmationandhenods,equallyconfusedwithDeclan’sstatement.Withmyfreehand,Ipointto
Wiley.“There,see?MybosssaysIcan.”Isthiswhyhehasn’tmadeamoveonme?No.Thatcan’tbe
it.Thatrulewouldbewaytoostupidtobelieve.Right?

Amusclestartstickinginhisjaw.“Wellthen,youcan’tdatehim.Itwouldn’twork.Youwork
inabarforamotorcycleclub,andhe’sanengineer.”

Icanfeelthescowltakeovermyfaceevenbeforehe’sfinishedhisstatement.Whattheever-
lovingfuckisthatsupposedtomean?AmInotgoodenoughforhimbecausehe’sanalmighty
engineerandI’mameaslybartenderforadirtymotorcycleclub?OrmaybeI’mnotgoodenough
justbecauseBrandonisDeclan’sfriend.Myinsidessearwithmyrisingrage,andIhavetohold
myselfback.I’vehadenoughofthisbullshit.Iyankmyhandsdowntomysidesandtrytochannelmy
angerintomystationaryfists,smallpleasureinBrandon’soutrageousflirtingcompletelyforgotten.

Declan’seyeswidenasherealizeswhathejustsaid,ormorelikewhathejustletslipout.

Atmyside,BrandonyellsatDeclan,“Whatthefuck,asshole?”Expressionsaroundthetable
rangefromconfusedtoangrytoamused.

“Right.Well,Ihopeyouenjoyyourbeers.I’mjustgoingtotakemyinferiorselfbacktothe
barnow.”Withthat,Idismissthemallandpivotonmyheelbacktothebar.Ifeelbadforbeingso
rudetotheothers,buttherewasnowayIcouldstaythereaminutelonger.Doeshereallyconsider
meinferior?Andforwhichpart?Forworkingforamotorcycleclub,thesameonehe’sfriendswith,
orforbeingalowlybartender,atthesamebarhedeignstopatron?I’msoupsetbyhiswordsIcan’t
evenmaintainasingleemotion.HowcanIhavesuchstrongfeelingsforamanwhoapparently
doesn’trespectme?Ibouncearoundamonganger,hurt,andembarrassment.Thisemotional
upheavalmakestheremainderofmyshiftratherdifficult,especiallysinceIcan’tpunchthenext
assholewhogivesmeasidewaysglanceIdon’tlike.

Whenthefightstartsacouplehourslaterandmostofthecrowdhasmovedintotheback
building,Iseizetheopportunitytogetsomefreshairinthecourtyardandsitmytiredassdown.After

Declan’sbullshit,Ihaven’tbeenintherightframeofmindtodealwiththecrowd.Irestmyhead
againstthebrickwallandclosemyeyes,tryingtorelax.Proppingmyfeetontheoppositechair,I
takeafewdeepbreaths,tryingtoeradicatemyfoulmood.

WhenIheartheheavymetaldoortothebackbuildingbangopen,Iignoreit.It’snotunusual;
probablyjustanotherrevelerlookingtorefreshhisbeer.Myeyesremaincloseduntilthehairstarts
toprickleatthebackofmyneck.Notatremendouslyenjoyablefeeling,allthingsconsidered.Ipop
myeyesopenandseethelastpersonIwantaroundmetakingthelastfewstepstostopinfrontofme.
Iimmediatelyclosethemagain,ignoringhim.

Declaniseitherobliviousorjustdoesn’tcareaboutmyblatantdismissal,becausethenext
thingIhearisthescrapeofametalchairagainsttheconcreteashepullsitcloser.Iopenmyeyesto
seewhathe’suptoandnoticehe’spositionedhischairtotrapmebetweenthewall,thetable,and
himself.Ijustsighdeeplyinresponse.Clearlyhe’sgotsomethingtosay.

Ipullmyfeetofftheotherchairandsitup.“Whatdoyouwant,Declan?Ifeellikeyou’ve
saidenoughalready.”

Hegivesmeacarefullyblanklookandleansback,runninghisfingersthroughhishair.In
aggravation,nervousness—whocantell?“Meg,youhavetoknowIdidn’tmeanitthatway,”hesays,
almostimploringly.

Toobadmynervesaretoorankledtojustacceptit.Istaysilent,browsarched,waitingfor
himtofillthesilence.

“Idon’tthinkyou’renotgoodenoughforhim,Meg.Imeanthe’snotgoodenoughforyou.”

Isnort.“That’snotwhatitsoundedlike.”

Heleansforwardinhischair,restinghiselbowsonhisknees.“Iknow,Meg.Iknowwhatit
soundedlike,butthatstilldoesn’tmeanwhatyouthinkitdid.”Irevertbacktosilence.Hegrunts,
expelsaheavybreath,andstatesquietly,“Itmeansthatyou’retooexcitingforBrandon.He’saboring
douchebag,andyou’rebeautifulandinterestingandfun.”

MybreathquickensandIforcemyselftoglossoverthesecondpartofhisstatement.Ican’t
handleitjustyet.“Hedidn’tseemboringtome,”Ideflect,zoninginonhiscommentaboutBrandon.

Hereachesforwardandgrabsastrandofmybrightredhair.Rubbingitbetweenhisfingers,
hestareshardatitwithoutactuallyseeingit.Everymuscleinmybodyseizes,afraidtomakeamove
anddisturbhimfromhiscarefulstudy,lovinghiscloseness.“That’swhatmyproblemwas,Meg.”He
dropsthestrandandrefocusesonmyface.“He’snotsupposedtobetheonetocatchyourattention.”

He’sjealous?Isearchhisface,tryingtoascertainthetruth.“Andwhoissupposedtocatch
myattention,Declan?”

Heleanscloseandwhispersinmyear.Iclosemyeyesashishotbreathfansagainstmyneck,
causingshiverstoerupt.“Ifyouhavetoask,Meg,Ihaven’tbeendoingthisright.”Andwiththat,he
standsandheadsinside.Ihavenoresponse;I’mtoostunned.AllIcandoisstareashewalksaway,
mymouthhangingopen.

DidhejustsaywhatIthinkhedid?

CHAPTER7
MEG

Allie,Caitlyn,andIhaveararenightofftogether,sowe’veplannedtogooutdancingata
clubuptown.ItsninethirtyandI’mputtingthefinishingtouchesonmymakeupwhentheystart
bangingonmyfrontdoor.

“Fuck,people.Thisplaceisnotthatbig;youdon’thavetobangthathard,”ItellthemasI
openthedoortoletthemin.

“That’swhatshesaid,”AllieandCaitlynbothrushtosay.Immediately,theystartarguing
aboutwhosaiditfirst.Ijustwalkbacktomyroomtograbmystrappyheels.They’llstopeventually.
andit’llbequickerifIstayoutofit.

Irunacriticaleyeovermyappearanceonelasttimeinthemirror.I’vechosenasimple,
shortfit-and-flaredressthatflattersmywaistandplungesbetweenmyboobstoreallyshowcasemy
cleavage.Thebackofitismyfavorite—wideopentoshowoffafewtattoosthatrarelyseethelight
ofday.I’veleftmylonghairdownwithloosecurls,lettingtheblackcolorofthedressreallybring
outtheneonredofmyhair.Itoppedmylookoffwithalittleeyelinerandmascara.Cleanandsimple
becauseIknowafterafewhoursofdancing,it’llonlyrundownmyfaceanyway.

Deemingmyselffitforpublicviewing,IwalkbackouttoAllieandCaitlyn,whohave
mercifullymovedontoanewtopic.Istoptotaketheminandletoutawolfwhistle.“Yougirlsare
hot!”Andtheyare.

Allie’sgotabodythatmakesmebelieveinreincarnation.Shelookslikeacontemporary
MarilynfreakingMonroewithshoulder-lengthblondehair.She’swearingacoralbandagedressthat
willmakemenpopbonerseverywherewego.

“Ican’tbelieveWileyletyouleavelikethat.”

“Hedidn’t.IgotdressedatCaitlyn’s.”Shesmilesevilly.Shit.Ihopenoonefromtheclubsees
her.Wileywillhaveheroverhisshoulderandoutthedoorbeforeshecantellhimtofuckoff,which
shedefinitelywould.

“Ah.Youmusthaveletherdressyouthen,”ItellCaitlyn.She’sgotaform-fitting,strapless
toponandhotpantswithfishnets.Shelooksincredible,butsheisn’tusuallyonetogoforbothshort
andtightinoneoutfit.

ShetapsherfingertohernosetoindicateIguessedright.

Allieshoosus.“Nowthatwe’veaddressedourcollectivehotness,timetogetgoing.Thetaxi
won’twaitforever.”

***

Twohoursandtoomanyshotslater,we’retakingabreakfrommindlesslyshakingourasses
onthedancefloor.Allieheadstothebartogetmoredrinksforus,whileCaitlynandIgrabanopen
tabletocatchourbreath.

Caitlynstarts,“So,youneverdidsayhowyourfirstclasswent.”Ofcourse,Alliefilledher
inontheplantheotherday.Probablyrightaftershecalledme.

Ihaven’ttoldanyonewhatDeclansaidtheothernight,mymindstillreelingwiththe
implications.HaveIreallybeentheonlyobstacleinusbeingtogether?HaveIsabotagedmyselfall

thistime?Ishakemyheadtocleartheheavyfogofmythoughts.Ican’tthinkaboutthat.Ican’tlet
myselfthinkthatI’mtheonlyreasonIhaven’tallowedmyselftobehappywiththeonlymantosend
mypulseracing.Iespeciallycan’tthinkofitwithalcoholinmysystem.Nowisnotthetimeforsoul-
searchingself-examination,soIplayoffCaitlyn’squestion.

Bolsteredbymyalcohol-inflatedself-confidenceinmyactingability,Igrin.“Itwentgreat!
He’llbemineinnotime!”

Sheraisesaneyebrowatme.Ireturnitbyusingmyfingertopropupmylefteyebrow.
“What?Don’tlookatmelikethat.Therewasdefinitelyflirtingafoot.”Boy,wasthere.

“Thengood,I’mglad.”Sheleansforwardtoputherhandonmyshoulder.“Youdeserveit.”

“Enoughbeingserious!Ineedtoplyyouwithmorealcohol.Clearly,you’rebehind.”Iturn
myheadtoseeAllieheadedourwaywithabartenderintow.Ican’tcontrolthegigglesthatfloodout
ofme;ofcourseshepickedupawillingerrandboy.“Perfecttiming!”Icrywhenshe’swithinrange,
punctuatingitbythrowingmyarmsupinvictory.

Shesmilestoherdevotedfollowerafterhesetsdownourdrinks.Turningtowardsus,she
offershimawinkoverhershoulder,efficientlydismissinghim.IswearIcanhearhisheartbeating
intooverdrivefrommyspotthreefeetawayfromhim.Shegrabsherglassandliftsithigh.We
followsuitandshescreams,“Bottom’sup!”

Thesickeninglysweettasteburnsapathdownmythroat.I’mguessingthisisn’ttheFireball
whiskeywe’vebeenshootingallnight.Blech!Slammingmyglassbackonthetable,Iwipemylips
withacocktailnapkin.“Areyoutryingtokillme,woman?Thatshitisnasty.”

“Kill?No.Maim?Torment?Maybe.Buttooutrightkill?Never!”

CaitlynisjustasflatteredasIam,whichistosaynotreally.“Thanks.Ithink?”Shedirectsthe
questiontome,andallIcandoisshrug.

“SoAllie,I’mactuallyreallysurprisedWileyhasn’tshownup.”Seriously,herdressisso
tightIknowshe’snotwearingunderwear,andWileyhasfriendseverywhere.Hisheadisgoingto
explode.LittlebitsofWiley’sbrainwouldhavetoberemovedfromthewalls.

Shesmirks.“Don’tworry,I’llmakesureheknowslater.That’showIplantogethome
tonight.”

CaitlynandIlaugh.Crazygirl.“Youguyshavenoideahowhotitiswhenyourmangoesall
alphaoveryou.Whenhechucksyouoverhisshoulderandfucksyouforhoursjusttoremindyou
boththatyou’rehis?Bestorgasmsofmylifearewhenhe’sjealous.”Runningherhanddownher
body,sheshivers.

Thatdoessoundhot.GoosebumpsbreakoutonmyskinasIwonderwhatitwouldbeliketo
bethesolefocusofsomeone’sdesire.NamelyDeclan’s.Ifanmyselfthinkingaboutthepossibilities.
Wouldhefuckmehardtomakesuresoremusclesremindedmeofhimforaweek,orwouldhe
punishmewithslowthrustsoverandoveragain,delayingmyorgasmandtormentingme?

Caitlynweighsin.“Ifsomeoneeverdidthattome.I’dripofftheirtesticles.”Iwincein
sympathyforthetheoreticalman.

“Yeah,butyou’reabadasslittleball-buster.Totherestofthefemalepopulation?That
scenariowashot.”

IagreewithAllie,adding,“Ineedtogetlaid.”Identicalexpressionsofsympathystarebackat
me.

Caitlynisthefirstonetospeak.“That’sallright.We’llfindyouaprimepieceofmanmeatto
tideyouoveruntilDeclangetshisheadoutofhisass!”

Allienodsenthusiastically.“Hellyes,wewill!”

Isighhappilyandthrowmyarmsaroundtheminasurprisegrouphug.“Iloveyouguys!”

AllielaughsandCaitlynshakesherhead.“Andthereitis.”Inourgroup-hughuddle,Ifeel
herlookovermyheadatAllie.“Ididn’tthinkshe’dhadthatmuchtodrink?”IfeelAllieshrugin
response,stilllaughing.I’matouchy-feelydrunk;Ifuckingloveeveryone.

“I’mnotdrunk.”AndI’mnot.I’monlygettingthebeginningsofabuzz,butIamexcitedto
beoutwithmyfriends,dancinganddrinking.“Let’sdance!”Notgivingthemachancetoargue,Ipull
themwithmetowardsthedancefloor.

SomewhereinthemidstofaJasonDerulosong,mybladderbecomespersistent.Prissybitch.
Iletthegirlsknowwiththehandscrossed,kneesbentuniversal‘Ihavetopee’signalthatI’mgoing
tothebathroomandtakeoff.Ibypasstheinfinitelineatthewomen’sbathroomandthankmylucky
starswediscoveredthehandicappedbathroomafewclubvisitsago.Theonethat’sdownthehall,
aroundthecorner,andgloriouslyoutofsight.I’dpeeonmyselfbeforeImadeittothefrontofthat
thing.

Iquicklyfinishmybusinessandwashmyhands.Ispendafewmomentsfingercombingmy
hairandwipingtheblacksmudgesfrombeneathmyeyes.Waterproofmascara,myfoot.WhenIfeel
restored,Itakeadeepbreathandyankopenthebathroomdoortogetbacktoit…Onlytobeforced
toanabruptstopwhenIcareenintosomeonestandinginthemiddleofthehallwayjustoutsidethe
door.

Strongarmsgrabmyshoulderstokeepmefromfallingonmyass,becauseIwasdefinitely
headedinthatdirection.Igaspinbelatedsurprise.“Iamsosorry!”Imanagetosqueakout.

“Whoa.It’sallright.Youokay?”acuriouslyfamiliarvoiceasks.

ItiltmyheaduptoseewhothevoicebelongstoandI’mmetwithDeclan’smoss-greengaze.
Commonsense,exitstageleft.Cuethelusthaze.“Hi.”Ihaven’tseenhiminafewdays.Notsincethe
courtyard.

Helaughssoftly,clearlyamused.“Hi.Youokay?”herepeats.

He’ssoclose;myhandshaven’tmovedfromhischestwhereI’dtriedtofindpurchase
beforehecaughtme.IfIanswerno,willhekeephishandsonmyshouldersforever?MaybeIcould
persuadehimtogriptighterandmovelower?Talkaboutstartingoffourflirtationwithabang.Ibet
hisbighandsknowexactly—

IstopmyselfbeforeIcancompletethatthoughtandshakemyheadalittletoclearit.Obviously,

I’mstillworkedupfromthecavemandiscussionearlier.Whatwashesayingagain?Oh,right.

“Oh,yes.Yes,Iam.Sorry.Ineverreallygotahandleonthewhole‘lookbeforeyouwalk’
thing.Thanksfornotlettingmefall.Imighthavebrokenabonefromtheheightoftheseheels.”

Hiseyesdroptomyshoesandslowlytrailupmylegs,slowlyenoughformetothankthe
shoegodsforcreatingthesegemsthatcanmakemylegslookaslongastheydorightnow.His

leisurelyperusalcontinuesupmybodyandImeethimwithafuriousblush.Shit,nowmyfacewill
matchmyhair.Whenhegetstomycleavage,hepauses.Theappreciationevidentinhisgazecauses
mydemeanortoswitchfromflusteredtoconfident.Bythetimehiseyesmeetminemysmirkis
firmlyaffixedtomyface.Hereturnsasmileofhisownandmypulserampsuplikesit’sracinginthe
Indy500.Icanfeeltheadrenalineflowingthroughmyveins,burningthealcoholinitswake.
Declan’shungrygazeissobering,butthisiswaybetterthanabuzz.

“So,”Isay,mostlytocontinuethisfavorableencounter.“Whatbringsyoutothedarkened
hallwaysofaclub?Noonetoldyouaboutthebathroom,didthey?”Iglancesidetoside,suspiciously
lookingforunwelcomebathroomlurkers.Itreallywouldbetragicifthesecretgetsout.“Iwas
hopingtotakethissecrettomygrave,tobehonest.”

“No,Iwasjusttryingtogetawayfrompeopleforafewminutes.”

“YouweresocloseandthenIshowedupandruinedit.”

“No,youdidn’truinanything.Youmadeitbetter,actually.”Itrytocontainmyblush.“It’sthe
crowdsthatgetme.”

“Ah,notahugefanoftheoverheatedbodiesgrindingagainstyours?”Halfknowingwhat
I’minsinuating,Irealizeit’sofficial;thealcoholhasbootedmyfilteroffthepremises.Idon’tcare
thatI’mnolongerundertheinfluence.Details,details.

Heraisesaneyebrowatme.“Somethinglikethat.ForcedhereforMark’sbachelorparty.”I
knewMark.HewasaregularonfightnightsatTheSeventhCircletoo.Niceguy,alittleshy.Ididn’t
evenknowhewasengaged.

“That’sgreat!Tellhimcongratulationsforme.”

Henodsandliftsonesideofhislipsinwhatlookstobeamischievoussmile.“Andwhat
aboutyou.Areyouafanof‘overheatedbodiesgrindingagainstyours’?”Mischievousindeed.

I’mtoonervousandworkedupandsexuallyfrustratedtohavethisconversationandto
conductmyselflikealady.Oh,well.“Actually…I’mahugefan.”Imatchhissmilewithanattemptat
aseductiveone.Imademydecision,andhiswordstheotherdaydidnothingbutencourageme.

HefinallydropshishandsfrommyshouldersandIfollowsuit,bringingmyarms
reluctantlybacktomysides.Hereachesuptorubthebackofhisneck.Oh,holyhell.NowthatI’mno
longergluedtohim,it’smyturntotakehimin.Turnabout’sfairplay,afterall.Istartfromthebottom
thesamewayhedid.Scuffedblackbootsmeetblackjeansthatfithimsowelltheyhadtobemadefor
him.Theyshowcasehismuscularthighswithoutbeingtootight.Idon’tletmyeyeslingertoolong
onhispackagethough;ifIdo,myfacewon’tstopflaminguntiltomorrow.Idivertmygazetothe
chainhehasloopingdownhisjeans,connectingtohiswalletinhisbackpocket.Next,Itakeinhis
standardgreyT-shirt,slightlystretchedacrosshisbuiltchestandtoppedoffwithaflannelbutton-
downhangingopen.WhatIwouldn’tgivetoperusehimmorethoroughlywithmyhandsand
mouth…

Whenmygazeliftstohisface,he’spinningmewithahungrylookasifheknowsexactlywhatI

wasthinking.Hejustmighttoo.Imean,Ihaven’tcheckedmyfacefordrool,butIcan’tkeepmyeyes
fromtellinghimexactlywhatIwantandhowIwantit.Henarrowshiseyesslightlyinalookwhich
tellsmeclearlythattime’sup.

Uh-oh.

Inanattempttogetmyselfundercontrol,Ileanbackagainstthewall,thetemptationtoreach
forhimalittleoverwhelmingatthemoment.Weseemedtobedancingaroundsomething,andI
wonderwhowillstopfirst.

“Anythingoranyonespecialbringingyououttonight?”

Inarrowmyeyesinthought.Iwonderifhe’saskingwhatIthinkhe’sasking.There’sonlyone
waytofindout.“Notaspecialoccasion,butoutwithsomeonespecial.”

Henodsandtakesasmallstepback.Hellyes,he’saskingifI’monadate.MaybeBrandon?
ThisIcanworkwith.“Twosomeones,actually,”Iamend,andhiseyebrowsliftinsurprise.Ilaugh
andputhimoutofhismisery.“AllieandCaitlyn.I’msureyourememberthemfromthebar.”

Histumultuousexpressionsmoothsoutandheresponds,“Yeah,Wiley’sgirlandthe
brunette.”

“Theverysame.Wedecidedtotakeadvantageofashareddayoffandgetdolledupand
dance.”

“Idon’tknowaboutyoudancing,isitsafe?Iwastreatedtoafewmovestheothernightand
thatwasprettyviolent.”

Asurprisedlaughescapes.“Hey,now!HowelsewasIsupposedtodancetohardrock?
You’reluckyIwasn’tdoingmyfist-pump-and-jumpmove.”Whichofcourse,Iproceedto
demonstrate,becauseI’mcoollikethat.

Hecringes.“You’reright.Someonecould’velostaneye.”

Istopmydisplayanddropmyshouldersdramatically.“Clearly,youknownothingof
dancing.I’llhaveyouknowthatmoveisaclassic.Youwouldn’thaveseenKurtCobaindoingthe
cabbagepatch.Youshouldbeashamed.”

Hetakesadeliberatestepcloser,whichputshimwithinarms’reachagain.Mybreathhitches.

Hereachesoutandrunshisfingersthroughasmallchunkofmyhair,watchingasthecurl

springsbackwhenhereachestheendandthenletsitgo.Hemovesthatarmtorestagainstthewallby
myhead,partiallycagingmein.Istruggletokeepmybreathevenandappearcalm.ItwouldsuckifI
passedoutfromlackofoxygenbeforehemadearealmoveonme.

“Butyousucceededingettingdolledup.Youlookbeautiful.”Heleanshisfaceincloseandlets

hiswarmbreathtouchmyneck.Ishiverandtiltmyheadtothesidetogivehimbetteraccess.Iguess
ourdancingisover.Yippee.

Seeingitastheinvitationitis,heletshislipsconnectwiththeskinbeneathmyear.Hesoftly

teasesmewithlighttouchesofhislipsrunningupanddown.Heslowly,mesmerizinglyworkshis
wayalongmyjaw.Allthewhile,thefingerofhisotherhandthat’sgrippingmywaiststartsstroking.
It’sfaintatfirst,butthenprogressivelygrowsmorecertain.

Holyshit.Wehaven’tevenkissedandI’mreadytolosemypanties.

“Declan,”Ibasicallywhimper.Ican’tlocatemyvocalchordscurrently,soit’llhavetodo.Iwait

untilhisstaremeetsmyown.“Youhaven’tbeendoingitwrong.”

Hegroans,dropshisarmfromthewall,andusesittogripthebackofmyheadfirmly,directing

metofinallymeethismouth.Mypulsepoundsinmyearsashestartsnippingatmylowerlip,lightly
runninghistonguealongtheseamuntilIcan’ttakeitanymoreandfinallylethimin.Myfingersflex

inhishair,pullinghimevencloser.Hebringsahandupandfitsittomywaist,slowlycreatingapath
offiredownmybacksideandthighsashereachesthehemofmydress.Isuckonhislowerlip,
encouraginghimtocontinue;we’vebeendancingaroundforoverayear,andIcan’twaitanother
minute.

Heslowlyandlightlyrunshisfingersuptheinsideofmythigh,whichmakesmestopcaring

thatwe’reinasemi-publichallway.Hisgriponmyhairtightensashisfingersreachmypussy.He
startsslowlyteasingme,histouchtoolightandsoclosetowhereIdesperatelyneedhimwithout
givingmeanything.Iwhimperinpurefrustrationthroughourkiss.Hebreaksawayfrommymouth
andwebothgaspforair.Declanleanshisforeheadagainstmineandstaresdirectlyintomyeyes,
watchingtheeffectsofhistorturemanifestonmyface.

Afteronelastteasingpass,hefinallycentersandputspressurebehindhisfingertips.Inearly

jumpoutofmyskin.Firereplacesbloodinmyveinsandmybodystartstooverheat.Ithrowmyhead
backagainstthewallandbeg,“Please,don’tstop.Please,don’tstop.”Oh,God,theopen-mouthed
kisseshe’spressingagainstmyneckarealmosttoomuch,makingmeshake.

“Wasn’tgoingto.”Hislow,roughvoicecaressesmyneck.

“Comeon,people,thisisaplaceofbusiness.Cutitthefuckout!”isshouted,presumablyatus.

DeclanstopsthemotionofhisfingersandIwanttodie.Itrulywouldn’thavecaredifwe’dhad

anaudience,aslongashegottofinishwhathestarted.

“No,no,no,no.Thiscannotbehappening.”Itfeelslikethepainisslicingmeinhalf.Iwasso

close.IburymyfaceinDeclan’sneckinpainandembarrassmentasheangleshisbacktothevoicein
anattempttokeeptheextentofouractionsprivate.

“Shh.It’sallright,”hewhispersinmyear.Iclosemyeyesandtrytotakeafewdeepbreathsto

getmyselfundercontrolagain.Louder,hesays,“Yeah,allright.Youmindgivingusafewminutes,
here.”

Alltoosoon,Declanisslowlypullingawayfromme.Hesmileswickedlyatmeandstraightens

thehemofmyskirt.“Guesswegotabitcarriedaway.”

Icompletelyletgoofhimafteramoment,whenIfeelconfidentmylegswon’tgiveway.

Somethingthatspectacularlyembarrassingdoesnotneedtobeaddedtothisevening’spile.I’llsave
thatfornexttime.Ifthereisanexttime.Oh.please.lettherebeanexttime.

“Abit.Definitely.So…”Shit!No!Pullittogether,Meg.Hehadhistonguedownyourthroat;the

timeforawkwardinteractionsislongpast.Istartrunningmyfingersthroughmyhair,mostlytogive
myhandssomethingtodothatdoesn’tinvolvegrabbinghimbacktome,andclearmythroat.“So,
thatwas…memorable.”

Helaughs.“Hopefullyforonereasonmorethananother.”

Ithastobeagoodsignthathe’steasingme,right?“Absolutely.Someoneelseknowsabout
thesecretbathroom.”

“Justthat?”

“Well,mostly.Andbytheway,Ihavetokillyounow.Forthebathroom,Imean.Nothing
personal.”

Hegrinsandgrabsmetohim,kissingmebrieflybutsoftly.Ipullbackandleavetheballin

hiscourt.“Well,Ibettergetback.MyfriendsmightstartwonderingwhereIam.”Ipushhishairback
togetagoodlookathisfaceandwatchthestrandsfalltothesideofhisface.Sosexy.Droppingmy
hand,Iwalkoff,grinninglikeanidiotthewholeway.

CHAPTER8

MEG

Afewdayslater,Istillhavethatstupidsmilestucktomyface.Ican’thelpit.Iwishitwould
goaway;mycheeksache.Ihaven’tseenDeclansincethenightattheclub,butIhavefaiththatwe’re
notfinishedyet.Thatwasareallygoodkiss.Reallyfuckinggood.

It’sabouttwointheafternoonandI’msoampedupI’mcleaningmyapartment.Cleaningis
usuallysomethingIreserveforonlywhenIabsolutelyhaveto,butIhavesomuchenergyIcan’tjust
sitstillandreadlikeIhadplanned.IhavemyPandorarockingout,andI’msingingwhiledusting
aroundthesmallplaceIrent.

Myapartmentisn’tinthebestneighborhoodaround,butthecomplexisfairlywellbuiltsoI
don’thavetoworryaboutangrycallsfrommyneighborsaboutnoise.Whichisagodsend,becauseI
prefermymusicontheloudside.

Mid-airguitarsolo,Ifeelmybuttvibrate.Ipullmyphoneoutofmypockettoseeifthey’re
worthyofdisruptingMyChemicalRomanceornot.Withouthesitation,Iturnoffthesoundand
answer.

“Lillian!”Iyellexcitedly.Lillianismybabysisterandmybestfriend.Sheknowsmeinside
andoutlikenooneevercould,andcrapdoImissher.

“Maggs!”sheyellsback,equallyexcited.

“Oh,man,it’ssogoodtohearfromyou.Howareyou?How’sschool?How’slife?Whatare
youdoing?What’sgoingon?”

Shelaughsloudlyatmyrapid-firequestions.“Everythingisfine,sameold,sameold,

thankfully.Justwantedtocallandcheckinwithyou.It’sbeentoofreakinglong.”Andshe’sright.It
feelslikeit’sbeenforever,butIunderstandwhy.Inorderforustotalk,Lillianhastouseaprepaid
phonesoherphonerecordswon’tleadtome.She’salsoverycareful,whichIaminfinitelygrateful
for,anddoesn’tdoittoooftenforfearoftippingourhandbecausewebothknowhe’skeepingtabs
onher.

“School’skindofapainwithmycourselistthissemester.Iwishtheydidn’tmakemetake
thisprogrammingclass.It’simpossible,andtheprofessorstillcan’tteachworthadamn!I’m
convincedtheworldisseparatedintotwokindsofpeople:thosewhocanprogramandthosewho
can’t,andIdefinitelyfallunderthe‘cant’s.’Youknowwhatthough?I’mokaywiththat.I’msecure
enoughinmyselftoclaimthatasafailing.”Istoprighttheretosparemyselfmyownrant.Theycan
takeawhile.

Anditdoes.Tenminuteslater,she’sstillgoingonaboutaccidentallyhard-codingsomething,
whateverthatmeans.Ijustrespondwithindignationonherbehalfwhenappropriate,silentlylaughing
tomyselfthewholetime.

“Justletmeknowwhenyou’rereadytogetridofthebody,”Isayinresponsetomaiming
threatsagainstherprofessor.“Ibetwecouldfindaniceobscurebayoutodumphimin.”

Shesighs.“Ihaven’tgottenthatfaryet;itisonlythebeginningofthesemester,afterall.
Checkbackwithmebymidtermsthough.Imayhavetotakeactionthen.”

“I’llputinonmycalendar.”

“Good,butdon’tforgettocodeitorsomething.Like‘trashday.’Oh,wait,no.Notthat.
That’stooobvious.Try‘makesoup.’Yeah.That’llthrowthem.”

“Whatthewhat?”

“Youknow?Whenthecopscomesearchingforcluesafterhisdisappearance,youdon’twant
tohave‘hidebody’onyourcalendar.Don’tquoteme,becauseI’mnotacop,butIfeellikethat’sa
giveaway.”

“Younumbskull.You’veputwaytoomuchthoughtintothisalready.ShouldIbeworried?
Nevermind.Toolate.I’mworried.”

“Nah,don’tbe.YouwouldknowifI’dkilledsomeonealready.You’dbethefirstpersonI
wouldtell.”

“Aww,that’ssweet.”

“WhatcanIsay?I’mallheart.”

“Cool.Well.Goodtalk.”

Shelaughs.“So,howareyoudoing?”

Iclearmythroat.Shealreadyknowsaboutmycrushonthehotfighter,soIgrabaCoketo
settleonthecouchwhileItakeherthroughthepastcoupleweeks,startingwithmyepicrocksession
thathewalkedinon.“Yougoober”iswhatIgotforthat.

“Hey,I’mapurist,preservingtheauthenticityofheadbanging.Thirtyyearsfromnow,noone

willrememberitinthewakeofthetwerkingphenomenon.”

“Youcan’tseethis,butjustknowI’mshakingmyheadatyou.”

“Markmywords,woman!”IcontinuetotellheraboutDeclan.

BythetimeIfinishupwithwhathappenedattheclub,shesqueals.Ouch.Hersquealsarevery
screechy.

“Hey!Watchtheeardrum!I’veonlygottwo.”

“Sorry!It’sjustsoexciting!I’msohappyforyou,thatyoudecidedtomoveonandtakea
risk.”Andthereitis.“Haveyoutoldhim,youknow?About…everything?”

“Umm,no.Onesexyrun-indoesnotexactlyrequireatotalgutcheck.We’resupposedto
holdbackthecrazy,babysister.Lullthenicegentlemenintoafalsesenseofsecurityandonlythendo
wereleasethedamofthinlyveiledpsychosis,”Ijoke.

Sheisn’tamused.Iknewshewouldn’tbe.“Maggs.It’snotlikeyou’rehidingabipolar
disorder.You’reholdingbackon—”

“IknowwhatI’mholdingbackon,”Iinterrupt,slightlyraisingmyvoice.Idon’twanttohear
it.Ilivewithit.Every.Single.Day.“Justletitgofornow,Lily.Wemayormaynotgetthere,butI’m
notsharingthedirtylaundryofmylifewithavirtualstranger.”We’rebothsilentforamomentwith
ourownthoughts.“Speakingofdirtylaundry,how’sitgoingthere?”

Thisisit.Thepartofourconversationsthatalwaysmakespartofmedreadhavingaphone
callwithmysistertobeginwith.SheknowsexactlywhatI’mtalkingabout.

“Nothingnewonthisfront,”shesaysquietly.Inodgratefully,eventhoughshecan’tseeit.

Nonewdevelopmentsisgoodnews.Itcoulddefinitelybeworse.

Ilookatthetime.Shit,Ididn’trealizewe’dbeenonthephonethatlong.“Hey,Lillian,”Istart
sadly.“I’vegottobeatworkinalittlebit.”

“Iunderstand.I’llcallagainassoonasIcan.Iloveyou.”

“Iloveyoutoo,”Irespond,andslowlydragthephonefrommyfacetoseethecalltimeout.I
bothloveandhatethesecalls.It’snotfair.

***

“CanIgetyouanotherone,Dennis?”

I’vebeenatworkafewhoursnowandyetIstillcan’tshakethemelancholyfrommyphone
call.Atleastmycheeksaregettingarestfromthepastdays.There’sthesilverlining.Unsurprisingly,
itdoesn’treallyhelp.

“Ofcourse,sugar.YouknowI’mnotaquitter.”

Thatdoesgetasmallsmilefromme.LeaveittoDennis.“Isuredo.Here,”Isay,placinga
newlyfilledglassinfrontofhimbeforewalkingawaytoservemorecustomers.

Alliebumpsmyhip.“Heynow.Whysosad?”

Shedoesn’tknow.IhadmadesureWileyknewnottosharewhatwasn’thisbusiness.
“Nothing,justoneofthosedays,youknow?”Ilie.

Shenodsunderstandinglybutdoesn’tletitdrop.“So,let’sseeaboutpullingyoufromyour
funk.”

Istarttosayno,butreconsider.She’sright.Ineedtosnapmyselfoutofthis,rememberhow
luckyI’vebeenandget.Thefuck.Overit.

Inoddecisively.“You’reright.So,whatdidyouhaveinmind?”

***

Weheadtoherplaceafterwegetoff.SheknowsIloveTinaFey,soshetalkedmeinto
rentingSistersandveggingoutonhercouchwithsomecheesepuffs,becausecheesepuffsmake
almostanythingbetter.It’smaybethreeinthemorningandwe’rehalfwaythroughthemovie,
laughingourassesoff.Mystomachmusclesarescreaming,butIcan’thelpit.Fewpeoplearefunnier
tomethanTinaFey.Ineededthis.“Thankyousomuchfordoingthiswithme.”

Shewinksatme.“Notaproblem,babe.Igotyou.”Wegetbacktothemovieforalittlewhile
beforesheturnsandasksme,“IsitsomethingDeclandid?”

“No.Istillhaven’theardfromhim,butIthinkImight.”Ismileatherandturnbacktothe
movie.

Twentyminuteslater,thefrontdooropensandinterruptsourmovieviewing.Ihearmale
voicescomingfromthefoyerandIfreeze.No,dammit!Notnow.Iwassupposedtoseehimagainin
class,lookingawakeandwearingcutespandexshit.Notinthemiddleofthenightfeelingwornand
worse,lookingitfrommylong-assday.I’devenborrowedapairofloosegymshortsfromAllie
whenwegothere,becausewithskinnyjeansyousacrificecomfortforlookingsexyandIdidn’tcare
aboutlookingsexyforAllie.

“Uhhh,”Isputter.“I’mgoingtoruntothebathroomrealquick.ThenIthinkI’mgonnahead
home.”

IcatchherexpressionbeforeIrunandhide—Imean,usethebathroom.I’mgladsomeone’s
entertainedbythis.Not.

Iskitterdownthehallandclosemyselfinthebathroom.I’lljustwaituntiltheymoveoutside
oratleastintothekitchen.ThenIcangrabmypantsandshoesandmakearunforit.Excellentplan.I
likeit.

Iwaitwithmyearpressedagainstthedoor,stayinginthatpositionuntilIdon’thearvoices
anymore.WhenthesoundfadesandallIhearissilence,Iassumetheywentoutback.Iseizemy
opportunityandthrowopenthedoor,readytomakemyquickescape.Yeah,myquickescapestraight
intosomethinghard.Youhavegottobekiddingme.

Astatisticianwouldpeehimselftoputtheseoddstogether.Twobathroomsintwoveryrandom

geographicallocationswiththesametwopeopleatthesametime.Un-fucking-believable.

Ihearamuffledlaughfromsomewhereabovemyhead.“Ican’tbelieveit.I’mnotfollowing
youintobathrooms,Ipromise.”

Ibustoutlaughing,“Iwasthinkingthesamething!Whatarethechances?”Iseparatemyself
fromhisholdandtellmybodytoquititswhining.Ourencountertheotherdayhadleftittightasa
bowstring,andrightnowit’sseeingjustthearrowitneeds.Ha!

“I’mgladIranintoyou,actually.”

“Youare?”Cueinnocenteyes.

“Yeah.Ihadfuntalkingtoyoutheothernight.IwasthinkingIcouldgetyournumbersowe
couldcontinuetalking?”

Itiltmyheadtothesidealittleinthought,andhiseyesjumptothespotonmyneckwherehe
startedatlasttime.Whoanow.Backup.“Justtoclarify.Youaretalkingaboutactualtalking,right?
Likewordsandvowelsandstuff,right?Nottheother…stuff?”Ifinishlamely.

Declanslowlyleanshisfaceclosertomineandbrushesastraystandfrommyforehead.He
takeshistimeinresponding,lettingthatwolfishgrinofhisdevelop.I’moxygendeprivedforabout
twentysecondbeforehefinallyresponds,“Actually,Iwasthinkingwecoulddoboth.”

Ah.Iforcemyselftotakeasmallstepbackfromhimandtakeadeep,calmingbreath.“Well,
Romeo,howaboutwestartwithtalkingandthensee?”

Helooksalittledisappointed,butconcedesandsavesmynumberinhisphone.Wileyyells
outtohimthroughthehouse,“Dude,getyourassoverhere.You’vegottoseethisshit!”

“Catchyoulater,Meg.”Withalastsweepingglancethatleavesmyfaceflushed,hewalks
away.

I’malittleflusteredasImakemyescape.Arealonethistime.

CHAPTER9
MEG

Myphonebuzzeswithatextmessagethenextafternoon.

Declan:I’mgladIranintoyoulastnight.

AstupidsmilebreaksoutovermyfaceasIrespond.

Meg:I’mprettysureIranintoyou.

Declan:You’reright.Letmetryagain.I’mgladyouranintome.

Declan:Again.

Meg:You’rewelcome.☺

Declan:So,whatareyouuptorightnow?

Meg:Puttingmygrocerylisttogether.Themiceleftacomplaintformethismorning.It’s
gettingserious.

Declan:Thatisbad.ButwhatifItemptedyouwithanalternativefoodsourcefortonight?

Itrynottolaughatwheremydirtymindtakesme.

Meg:I’mlistening.

Declan:TheDeadpoolmovieisplayingatthedrive-inthisweekend.

Meg:OH!Theonewiththehottie,RyanReynolds?

Meg:Inspandex?

Declan:You’regivingmyegoacomplexhere.

Meg:Bull.Youregoisfine.Andyes,Iwouldlovetogo.

Meg:RyanReynoldsissupposedtogetnaked.I’msoexcitedforRyanReynolds’sthighs!

Declan:Histhighs?

Meg:Yeah.Histhighs.Somewomenpreferhands.Othersasses.I’vealwaysgottenweak-
kneedoverthighs.

Declan:You’reweird.

Meg:Icanlivewiththat.IfitmeansIcanseeRyanReynolds’sthighs.;-)

Declan:Soweird.

***

I’vejustfinishedthrowingonalightcardiganwhenthere’saknockatthedoor.Iglancein
themirroroncemoretomakesureI’mdecentbeforeIheadout.Jeans,flatsandalsandablackV-
neckT-shirtundermygraycardigan.Casualbutcute,andmostimportantlycomfortable.Giving
myselfthenodofapproval,Iheadtoanswerthedoor,scoopingmypurseandblanketsupalongthe
way.Ithrowthedooropenandsmilewideingreeting.

“Hey,Meg.Youready?”

“Definitely.”Iclosethedoorandlockup.

“What’swiththeblanket?”heaskswhenwesettleintohispickuptruckandstartdriving.It’s
undeniablyniceandnew,withitstouchscreensandrichleathersmell.

“Uhh,it’sadrive-inandyouhaveatruck.One’sforustositonandtheothertocoverus.”

“Coverus?It’sHouston.We’llsweattodeath.”

“Nonsense.It’ssupposedtogetdowninthesixtiestonight.”Itrytostemthefloodoflaughter
atthedisbelievinglookhe’sshootingme.“What?Thatconstituteschillyforme.”Hejustshakeshis
head,aghast,andIproceedtoturnuptheradiotorockouttosomeDrowningPool.

Whilehe’sdistractedwithdriving,Isneaksomecovertglancesoutthecornerofmyeyeat
him.He’swearinghisstandarduniform—blackjeans,boots,andT-shirtwithaflannel.Heevenhas
hisflannelshirtrolleduphisforearms.Yummy.Hishairisinthesamedisarrayitusuallyis,and
lookingatitmakesmyfingersitchtotouchit.

“Quitlookingatmelikethat,”hesayswhilestillfacingforward.Whatthehell?Theguy’s
gotmutantvision.

“Likewhat?”Iask,tryingtoconveyasmuchinnocenceinmyquestionasIfeasiblycan.

Declangivesmeaquickassessingglancebeforefacingforwardagain.“Likeyouwantme
withasideoffries.”

Isnortwithlaughter.Ican’thelpit.

“Howdareyou!Iamnotapieceofmeat,”hestatesinmockoutrage.He’stryinghardto
suppresshissmile,butit’snotworkingandonlyresultsinaskewedgrimace—which,ofcourse,
causesmetolaughharder.

Whenwearriveafewminuteslater,hebacksintoaspotsowecanwatchfromthebedofthe

truck.HegoestotheconcessionbuildingtograbusacoupleburgersandsomedrinkswhileIlayout
ablanketinthebedforustositon.Iproceedtokickoffmysandalsandgetcomfortable,killing
sometimepeople-watching.Thelotispackedwithcars;peoplehavecampchairssetuprandomly,
andthereareacoupleteenagersofftothesidethrowingafootball.It’saverycalmandhappy
atmosphere,andIreallydigit.

Declancomesbackalittlewhilelaterandsetsourspoilsonthetailgate.Hehandsmemy
beerbeforeclimbinginandsittingbackwithme.

“Youshouldconsiderbeingabartender.Thatwasaprimohandoff,sir,”Icompliment.

“Itry,butI’mgoingtoleaveittoyou.Ifeellikethere’sanunspokenrule:Bartendeemust
stareatBartender ’stitsduringbeverageserving.”Heleersatmychestcomically,causingmeto
laugh.

“Hmm,well,Idohaveyouthere.”

Wesettlebackandstartinonourburgers.“So,Declan,”Isaybetweenmouthfuls,“tellme
aboutyourself.”

Heshrugs.“Notmuchtotell.”

“Youdon’tgetoffthehookthateasy.”

Hecompromises.“Here,let’stryitthisway.Whatdoyouwanttoknow?”

“Everything.”Duh.Hejuststaresatmethough.Ugh.Typicalman.

Hefinallyresponds,“Wellthen,youbetterstartaskingorwe’llbehereforawhile.”

“Okay,howaboutyourfamily?Tellmeaboutthem.”

“MyparentsdiedafewyearsagoandI’manonlychild.”

Isaywithsympathy,“Thatsucks.Iknowhowyoufeel.Minediedtoo,caraccident.”Henods
absently,nofurthercomment.

Fine.“Okay,soyouwereintheMarineCorps,right?”

Henodsandchewsthroughalargebiteofhisburger.“Eightyears,fourtours.”

“Whydidyoujoin?”

“Samereasonanynineteen-year-oldjoins.Triedtherealworld,lostdirectionanddidn’tlike
it,soIwentwheretheywouldtellmewhatmydirectionwas.Wasaprettysweetsetup,ifyoudon’t
countthewhole‘gettingshotat’routine.”

“Isthatwhyyougotout?Yougottiredofgettingshotat?”I’mhonestlycurious.Seemstome
thatkindofexhaustionwouldpresentitselfwithinthefirstsixmonths,butwhatdoIknow?

“Somethinglikethat.”He’sstaringathisFrenchfrieshard,liketheyhavetheanswers.Ipeek
over,justincasetheydo.Theydon’t.Iletthesubjectdrop.

“So,whatabouttheMC?Iknowyouservedwithafewoftheguys.Whydidn’tyoujoin?”

Helaughsalittle,moretohimselfthananything.“Ithoughtaboutit,butIthriveonstructure,
andbeinginamotorcycleclubisnotconducivetoanykindofstructure.Decidedtoopenmyown
businesswhereIwouldn’tbebehindadeskmoreoftenthannot.”

That’ssmart.Inodinacceptance.“Andthefighting?”

“Pureadrenaline,baby.”Ishiverwhenhecallsme‘baby,’andheseesit.“Lessdeadlythan
bullets,samerush.”

“That’sdebatable.Someonecouldsnapyourneck.”

Declanlaughs.“Youknowit’snotmortalcombat,right?Noone’sfightingtothedeath?”

“It’sstilldangerous!”

“Ofcourseitis.Wherewouldthefunbeifitweren’t?”

Irollmyeyes.Men.

Wecleanupourtrashandsituateourselvesjustasthemoviestarts.Ipullmyotherblanket
overmylapandheslipsanarmbehindmybacktocurlatmywaist.Butterfliesbegintolosetheirshit
inmystomachandmyheartwarms.Itfeelslikethere’snosaferplaceintheworld.Perfectfucking
night.

We’remaybeanhourintothemoviewhenDeclanstartstoplaywithmyhair,runninghis
fingersthroughitandtuggingontheends.Irollmyheadontohisshoulder,givinghimmoreroom.I
lovethesensationofhavingmyhairplayedwith;it’ssorelaxing.

HeleanshisheaddowntoghosthislipsalongmytempleandIsighhappily.WhenRyan

Reynoldsislyingtherenakedon-screenthough,Ican’thelpit,sittingupforabetterview.When
Deadpoolmanagestocoverupagain,Igotoleanback,disappointedit’soversoquickly.Too
quickly.

DeclantakestheopportunitytorepositionmebeforeIcansitback.Heshiftsalegaroundme

andscootsmeoversoI’mbetweenhislegsandusinghischestasabackrest.Hebringshisarms
aroundmeandresettlestheblanketsoit’sonbothofus.

Iturnmyheadtolookbackathim.“Ha!Iknewyou’dgetcold,”Isaysoftly,butnoless
triumphantly.Don’twanttodisturbothermovieviewers,afterall.

Withoutsayinganything,hebringshislipstomeetmineandshiftshishandsunderthe
blanket.I’msodistractedbywhathiskissisdoingtomeittakesaminutebeforeIrealizehehasa
handupmyshirt,softlystrokingmystomach.Ibreakawayquicklyandlookaroundustomakesure
nooneispayingattention.Theyaren’t.

“Ihavetogetmyconfidenceback.Youwereinterestedinsomeotherman’sthighs.Idon’t
knowthatIcanhandleit.”

Hesweepshishanduptocupmethroughmybrawhilehe’stalking,andIquicklyreadjust
theblankethigher.Mybodyisshaking,halffromexcitement,halffromfear.“Someone’sgoingto
see!”

Heleansforwardandbitesmylipgently.“Notifyou’revery,veryquiet.Thinkyoucando
that?”DeclanstartskneadingmybreastsandIgroan.“That’snotagoodstart,baby.Youdon’twantto
tipeveryoneoff.IknowthemovieisratedR,butI’mnotsurethisiswhattheyhadinmind.”He
positionsmyheadforwardagaintofacethemovieandbrushesthehairfrommyneck,pressinghis
lipsthereinitsplace.Ishutmyeyes,justabsorbingtheincrediblesensationshe’sstirringupinmy
body.

Heunhooksmybraundermyshirtlikeapro,whichIrefusetothinkaboutnow,andstarts
pullingonmynipples.I’dwarnhimhe’sgotthemhardenoughtocutglass,butIthinkhe’sgotit
covered,rollingandpinchingthem,sendingzingsofelectricitystraighttomycore.Whatisitabout
thisguythathasmefeelingsooutofcontrol?

Hekeepsplayingwithmyleftbreastandmoveshisrighthandintothewaistbandofmyjeans
tomypussy—overmyunderwear,unfortunately.Hestartsstrokingsoftly,withthebarestoftouches.
Mywholebodytensesinanticipationofafirmertouch.Ineedmore.Whenhegivesittome,Ihaveto
slapahandovermymouthtosmothermywhimperofrelief.

Declan’sfingersstill.“Ihavetostopnow.Youcouldn’tbequietenough.”

Mypoundingheartlodgesinmythroat.“No,”Imanagetosqueakout.

Henuzzlesmyneckandtakeshishandfrommypantsandshirt,re-hookingmybraagainst
mysensitivenipples.“Peoplearelookingoverhere.”

“Idon’tcare.Letthemlook.”I’mdesperate.

“Youwon’tfeelthatwaywhentheyarrestusforpublicindecency.”Hechuckles.

Irollmyeyes.“Fiiine.ThenexttimeIgetlefthanginglikethisthough,I’mgoingtomurder
someone.”

Alltoosoon,themovieendsandwe’rebackonthehighwaytomyplace.Whenwegetthere,

hepullsupintoaspacebutinsteadofjustwaitingtherewiththecaridlinglikeIexpect,hetakesthe
keysfromtheignitionandclimbsoutofthevehicle.Oh,agentleman.Icouldgetusedtothis.WhenI
unlockmyfrontdoorandwalkin,Iturntohim.Hehashisarmsbracedonthedoorframe,putting
hisgloriousphysiqueondisplay.Iletmyeyescrawldownhischestandabdomentotheimpressive
bulgeoutlinedinhisjeansandyes,histhighs.Mygazelingers,andIessentiallyendupaskinghis
thighsiftheywanttocomein.

Hedropshisarmsandstepsforward,puttingahandundermychintoliftmyfacecloseto
his.Hedrawsinslowlyandwhenhiswarmbreathfansmyface,myeyesflutterclosedinanticipation.
Hepressesasoft,much-too-briefkissagainstmylipsandbacksaway,droppinghishandfrommy
face.“No.IthinkIwanttomakeyoupayforstaringatanotherman’sthighs.”

Myjawdrops.He’snotserious,right?Right?

Declanstartslaughingatmyexpressionandsayssoftly,“Goodnight,Meg.”Withthat,heturns

aroundandwalksout,closingthedoorbehindhim.

Motherfucker.

CHAPTER10
MEG

Thenextday,I’matCorpsStrength,takingadvantageofmymembershipandrunningona
treadmill,tryingtoworkoutmypent-upfrustrationbeforeclass.WhenIhitthefive-milemark,I
lowerthespeedsometostartmycooldown.

MytextmessagesoundinterruptsLinkinParkinmyheadphones.Lookingdownatthescreen
proppedonthetreadmill,IseeawaitingtextmessagefromDeclanaskingwhatI’mupto.

Meg:Gettingsomecardioinbeforeclass.

Declan:Ihadyoupeggedastheoverachiever.Ilovebeingright.

Meg:Overachiever?Saystheguywithripplingsix-packabs?

Declan:;-)Gladyounoticed.

Islapmyhandovermymouthtocovermylaugh.Walkedrightintothatone.

Iheadovertotheopenareawithmatscoveringthefloorandpickaspotinthecornertoset
downandstartmystretching.IrunthroughafewbasicposesthatIfindreallyhelploosenmeup.I’m
indownward-facingdogstretchingmyhamstringswhenmyphonechirpsagain.Maintainingmy
position,Iscootthephoneovertotakealook.

Declan:Ifyoucouldrotateyourselfmaybefifteendegreestoyourleft,youwouldmakemy
daymuchbetter.

Apparently,Ihaveanaudiencenow.Nopressure.

Meg:Youperv.I’mexercisinghere.Isn’ttherearuleaboutstudent-teacherharassment?

Declan:Sureis.“Teachersshouldharassthestudents,orbetteryetstudentsshouldharassthe
teachers.”I’manequalopportunityemployer.

Meg:Whatmentalpigmywrotethoserules?

Declan:Idid.Andyou’llbepraisingtheseruleslaterwhenI’mdirectingmyharassmentto
yourpussy.

Idropfrommylatestposeontomybutt.Meg:Thatescalatedquickly.

Declan:Notquicklyenough.I’mdyingforanothertasteofyou.Withouthavingtostopthis
time.

Ilookup,suddenlyparanoidsomeone’slookingovermyshoulderandreadingthedirty
messagesonmyscreen.Satisfiednooneisinthearea,Ilookbackatmyphone.

Declan:Iknowyouwantittoo.Youalmostcamefromjustafewstrokesofmyfingers.
Imaginehowgoodit’llbewhenIfinallygetinsideyou.

Oh,God,Icouldimagine.Ireallycould.

Declan:Seeyousoon.

Soon?Icheckthetime.Shit.Heworkedmeupjusttotortureme.Nowwehavetogothrough
classtogetherwitharoomfullofobliviousstrangers.

Fine.Twocanplayatthisgame.

***

Ihavedonemyutmostforthepastthirtyorsominutestryingtotaunthimback.Ican’tdoit
withwordslikehedid,butIusemyworkoutattiretomybenefit.Sweatybrow?Well,whydon’tIuse
thehemofmyshirt?What?Itexposesmystomachandpartofmysportsbra?Darn,I’msorry!
ExceptI’mnot.It’ssoworthittoseehiseyesdilateandwatchhimpickupapadtoholdinfrontof
him.Definitelynotbecausehiserectionisveryclearlyswellingbeneathhisgymshorts,whichwould
beobviousifanyonecaredtolook.Andboy,doIcaretolook.Isnickertomyself.

HethrowsmeanevillookthatIquestion,butonlyforaminutebeforehecallsoutapartner

change.Thatjackass.Thereasonforhissmilebecomesapparentwhenhepairsmewiththefiercest
personinclass.Leslieisnotkiddingaround;she’sawomanonamission.Unfortunately,thatmakes
heranundesirablepartner.Shehitssohardithurtsthroughthepad,andwhenit’sherturntoputyou
inachokehold,shegripshardenoughtocutoffcirculationtoyourbrain.I’mcurioustoknowwhat
happenedtoher,butatthesametimeshescaresme.So,yeah,I’mgoingtotakeapassonthatheart-
to-heart.

We’redoingsixty-seconddrillswithpunchesandit’smyturntoholdthepad.Closingmy
eyesbecauseit’stooscarytowatch,Ibracemyself.Aboutfortysecondsin,theconstanthammering
hascausedmygriptoslipandshelandsadirecthitonmyleftshoulder.Ifalltomyassandletouta
louderthanIwouldhaveliked“Sonofabitch!”Everyoneintheroomstopstostare.Lesliejustlooks
confused.

Declanquicklycomesoverandsquatsinfrontofme.“Hey,youallright?”

Grippingmyshoulderhardinanefforttostemthepain,Igruntout,“Hurtslikeabitch.”

“Comewithme,we’lltakealookandgetyousomeice.”Hegrabsmywaistandliftsmeto
myfeetsoIdon’thavetoletgoofmyshoulder.IfIweren’tinsomuchpain,thatwould’vebeenso
hot.StupidLeslie.

Walkingmeoutoftheroom,abovemyheadhecallsout,“Hey,Mark,gotakeoverdrills.”

Heleadsmedownthehallwayandintoaroomwithapaddedtableinthecenterandacounter
withasinkrunningalongonewall.Closingthedoorbehindus,heliftsmeagainbythewaisttosit
meonthetable.“Allright,let’stakealook.”Istareathim.

Hewaitsaminutethenclarifies,“Youhavetomoveyourhandoutthewayformetosee.”

Icontinuetojustlookathim.“No,IthinkI’mgood.Thanksthough.”I’mterrifiedof
looseningmygripandlettingthepainfloodback.

“Comeon,don’tyouwantmyhandsalloveryou,rubbingyoudown?”heneedles,eyebrows
wigglinginanefforttomakemelaugh.

Myeyesnarrow,recallinghe’stheonewhoputmeinthesituationtobeginwith.Iliked
PotteryRobasmypartner,andDeclanwastheonewhochangedusout.Suddenlyovercomewith
anger,Ireleasetheholdonmyshouldertopokemyindexfingerintohischest.Inthebackofmy
mind,Inoticethepainisn’treallysobadanymore,butIignorethatnuggetofknowledgeinfavorof
myangerwhichtakescenterstageandIcan’tseemtostopit.“You.Thisisyourfault!”

“Myfault?”He’sconfused.

Well,allowmetoun-confusehim!

“Yes,yourfault.You’retheonewhotookawayPotteryRob.IlovePotteryRob,”Ishout,
punctuatingmylaststatementwithrepeatedpokesofmyindexfingeragainsthischest.Hestilllooks
baffled.

“PotteryRobwasabetterpartner!Hedidn’thaveaXena:WarriorPrincesscomplexgoing
on!Hewouldn’thavepunchedme,”Iexplain,exasperatedthathe’sstillnotunderstandingandfalling
tohiskneesinapology.“You’remyproblem!EverytimeItalktoyou,youleavememorefrustrated
andangrythanthelast!Whatiswithyou?Whydoyoukeepdoingthistome?”

Alookofconfidentunderstandingsmoothshispreviouslyfurrowedbrows,andmyeyes
narrowinreturn.“What?Whyareyousmiling?Youaren’tsupposedtosmile.You’resupposedto
apologize!”

Heleansforward,proppinghishandsonthetableoneithersideofmybody,cagingmein.
He’ssocloseIcanfeelhisbreathagainstmylips.“No,Meg.Youdon’twantanapology.Luckyfor
you,Iknowexactlywhatyouwant.”

MyangertransformstolustasquicklyasitcameonandIfeelmyeyelidsgrowheavy.
Sensingvictory,hemovesin,pressinghislipsfiercelytomine.I’mstillontheedgefromhisearlier
teasing,andIimmediatelyopenmymouthtogivehimaccess.Whichremindsme…Ipullback.“Wait!
I’mstillmadatyou!”Hepullsmetotheedgeofthetablebymythighsandfitshimselfbetweenmy
legs,hisswollencockpresseddeliciouslyagainstmycenter.Sensationsstartzingingeverywhich
waythroughmycore.

“Iknowyouare,butIalsoknowwhy.Doyouknowwhy,Meg?”Herubsagainstme,
successfullydistractingme,workinghishandsfrommywaisttomybreasts.Overcomeanddesperate
formore,Igrabhishairwithbothhandstopullhimtowardsme,feelingonlyatwingeinmy
shoulderatthemovement.Ineedhismouthagainbutheresists,holdinghisfacejustahairsbreadth
frommylips.“Iaskedyouaquestion.”

“Youdid?42.”

Hechuckles.“No,Meg.Iaskedifyouknewwhyyouwereangry.”

Oh,right.“Yes,becauseyouletmegetpunched.Orcloseenough.”Hemovesawayjustlong
enoughtopullmytanktopovermyhead.Heleansrightbackinwherehewasandbrushesmy
abdomenwiththecottonofhisT-shirt.Ineedhisskin,notcotton.Ireachouttograbthehemofhis
shirtandyankup.Heletsme,andsoonourupperbodiesarealmostskintoskin,withjustmysports
braremaining.Stupidbra.Hegripsmyponytailhardandbringshismouthbacktomine.Ireach
aroundtoundothefourhooksatthebackandquicklyslingitoffmyshoulders.It’sperfect,hischest
hardandwarmpressedagainstmysoftandincreasinglyheavybreasts.Igroanatthesensations.

Hebitesmylowerlipfirmlythenmoveshismouthdowntosuckononenipplewhileahand

rollsandpullsontheotherone.Ipushhisheadharderagainstme,hopinghe’lltakemoreofmein
hismouth.Asusual,heresistsandIgroaninfrustration.Ineedmoreandhe’sgoingsoslow—too
slow.

Heremoveshismouthandlightlypushesmeflatagainstthetable,leaningdownoverme.
Declanfollowsmedownandtonguesthesensitivespotbeneathmyear.Iliftmylegstopropmy
heelsontheedgeofthetableandgroanwhenhiscockfitsrightbackagainstmewhereitbelongs.I
gratefullystarttogrind,butheliftsaway.Iletoutanunladylikenoiseoffrustration.

Ifhewalksawaynow,I’mgoingtostabhim.

Declanlaughshuskilyandtrailshishandsfrommychest,downmybellytohooktwofingers
onthewaistbandofmyspandexworkoutpants.Iliftalittletohelphimgetthemoffme,leavingme
lyingonthetablelikeasacrificiallambinonlymyboy-shortpantiesashestaresatme.

“You’reangrybecauseI’veworkedyouupandleftyouhanging.”Hetrailshishandsupthe
insideofmythighsandIshiver.Onehandbrushesagainstmycoresosoftlyit’snotevenenjoyable.
It’stortuous,almostcruel,andIbegintopant.“You’reangrybecauseI’vebeentauntingyou,never
comingthrough.”Declanfinally,finally,movestoaddmypantiestothepileonthefloor.“Shit.
You’resofuckingwet.”He’sright.Hetormentsmewithhisfingersonlybrieflybeforeenteringme
withthem.

“Yes,”Ianswer—unnecessarily,inmyopinion,butshitifitgetshimtohurryup…“Please,I
needyounow.More.”HisfingersstartplunginginandoutandIcanfeelmyselfgetcloserto
orgasm,butIwantmoreofhim.Ileanupandfitmymouthtohis.Declanstartsmimickinghis
fingers,thrustinghistongueinandoutofmymouth.Ireachforwardwithbothhandstopullhim
closertome.

Suddenly,Ifeelhimcurlhisfingersandstartrubbingataspotsosweetinsidememywhole
bodyfreezes,includingmylungs.Ican’tbreathe,butIneedmore.“Oh,God,oh,God.Again,please.
Please,don’tstop.”

Hemoveshisotherhandfromrestingonmythighanddragshisfingernailsupmyabdomen,
causingmybacktoarchclearoffthetable.Hebringsitbackdownandlightlyslapsmyclitonce,
twice,andthat’sallittakes.Mywholebodyexplodesaspurepleasureripplesthrougheverymuscle,
turningitweightless.

***

Whenthewavesfinallyeasetoastop,IopenmyeyestoseeDeclanstandingexactlywhereI
rememberhim,hisfingersstillinsideme.IlookupintohisfacetoseehimsmilingliketheCheshire
Cat.Slowly,Ifeelhimremovehisfingers,whichIreallyappreciateasitisextremelysensitivedown
thereatthemoment.Heliftshisfingerstohismouthandlicksthemcleanofme.Sohot.IfIhadany
energyatall,I’dgodownonhimjustforthat.

There’saknockatthedoor.“Dude,Jason’shere.”

Heglancesattheclockonthewall.“Shit.He’searly.”

“Youcantellhimthat.He’swaitinginyouroffice.”

Mygazetravelsdownhismuscularform,appreciatingthecolorfulsleevesdecoratinghis
armsincontrasttohisink-freetorso.Iloveit.Thelackofinkletsmeclearlyseeeverydivotanddent
ofhismuscles,andthereareohsomany.Gradually,ImakemywaydowntohisclearlydefinedV,
leadingmedirectlytohisstill-throbbingandverysizableerectionbarelycontainedbeneathhisshorts

Hefollowsmygazeandshrugs.“Nexttime.Ithinkwe’vebeenconspicuousenoughtoday.”My

eyesflarewideaccompanyingaswiftintakeofbreath.He’sright.Weseemtokeepdoingthat.

“Well,I’mnotangryatyouanymore,”Ijokeweakly.Hechucklesandbendsdowntohand
memyclothes.Ijumpoffthetableandstartdressing.

Whenwe’rebothrelativelyputtogether,hecupsmyjawinhishandsandkissesme.“Yougo
ahead,Ineedaminute.NeedtospendafewminutesthinkingaboutHillaryClintonorsomething.”

Ilaugh.“Ew.Youhavefunwiththat.”

“Nowgetoutofhere.”Heletsgoofmyjawanddropshishandstohissides.“Ineedtofocus
ondick-shrivelingshit,andyou’renothelping.”

“Uh,sorry?”

“I’msure.”HeslapsmyassandIheadthroughthedoorlaughing,closingitbehindme.

CHAPTER11
MEG

“Wasitglorious?Hejustseemsliketheguytypeofguywhocouldmakeitglorious,”Allie
saysbetweenbitesofherburger.

AfterIbookeditoutofthegym,IaskedAllietomeetmeforlunch.Ineededtospillmyguts
beforeIscreamedaboutmyawesomeencountertotheworld.

“Howexactlydoyoupegsomeoneforthat?IstherelikearadarIcanbuy?”

“Nah,I’vegotonebuiltin.It’ssomethingabouttheirsmirks.Thecockiertheirsmirksare,
withoutborderingonthelewdside,isdirectlyproportionaltotheirbedroomperformance
capabilities.Butthat’ssuchagoodidea.IfonlyIcouldbuildandmarketmymadskillsintheformof
acleanlypackagedproduct.Justpointitatsomeoneanditwouldreadoutonthescreen‘go’or‘no
go.’Thatwouldsavesomuchtimeandheartacheforwomeneverywhere.”Isnort.“Butyouhaven’t
answeredmyquestionyet.”

Isighhappily.“Itwasmostdefinitelyglorious.Somuchsothatwhenyoulookinthe
dictionaryunder‘glorious,’youseeapictureofDeclan.”

Shesighsdramaticallyandplacesherheadinherhandswithamockingdreamylookonher
face.Ileanforwardandknockherarmsoutfromunderher.“Hey,now.Don’tmakemetellyour
boyfriendyou’reskeevingonsomeoneelse.”

“Youwouldn’tdothat.Believeme,noonewinsifyoudothat.Iwouldn’tgetany,andthen
youwouldn’tgetanywhenWileyputsDeclansixfeetunder.Soreally,it’sinyourbestinterestto
keepthistoyourself.”

Shehasapoint.“So,howisWiley?Ihaven’tseenhimatthebarforalittlewhile.”

“Youknow.”Sheshrugs.“Clubstuffkeepinghimbusy.”

That’saloadedstatementcomingfromAllie.ShehateswhenWileyleavesherinthedark—
which,unfortunatelyforher,ismostofthetime.Irespectwhyhedoesitthough,andIknowshedoes
tooonsomelevel.Thelesssheknows,thesafersheis.SuchisthelifeofanMColdlady,andIdon’t
envyitonebit.

“He’sbeenkindofpissyatmethough,”shecontinues.

“Why?MalePMS?”

“Nah,it’snothisfault.Ihaven’tbeengivingitupquitesomuchrecently.Haven’tbeen
feelingwell.Sometimesitsucksbeingfemale.”

“Blasphemy!”Icry.IpointtheFrenchfrythathadbeenhalfwaytomymouthather
accusingly.“Quick.Grababoob.That’llmakeyoufeelbetter.”Becausereally,whodoesn’tlike
boobs?Andwhenyou’refemale,yougetyourownset.Ifailtoseehowyoudon’twinbeingfemale.

Sheeruptsinbody-shakinglaughter.“You’resucharetard.AndIwouldgrabthem,believe
me,buttheyhurttoomuchrecently.”

Ifreeze,realizationwashingoverme.“Uh,Allie?Haveyoutakenapregnancytest?”

Shestopslaughingandglaresatme.“That’snotfuckingfunny.”

“Thenit’sagoodthingI’mnotaddingthattomystand-uproutine.I’mserious.”

Herfacemorphsintohorror.“I’vegottogo.I’llcatchyoulater.”

Inodinunderstanding.“Callmelater.”

Wow.Ican’timaginewhatIwoulddoinhersituation.Idon’tevenknowifWileywantskids.
Shit,Idon’tevenknowifAlliewantskids;wenevertalkedaboutit.I’monlytwenty-sixandhaven’t
beeninaseriousrelationshipinquitesometime,soIguessIalwaysfiguredIcouldworryaboutit
later.Allie’stwenty-ninethough,andWiley’sinhismid-thirties.Maybethisistheirlater?

Ithinkthey’dmakeseriouslycutekids.IcanimaginealittlegirlwithWiley’sdimplesand
Allie’sattitude.Ismiletomyself.Thatkidwouldbeunstoppablyadorable.

Shit,nowmyheadisfilledwithtinyonesiesandeventinierchubbysmiles.There’sjust
somethingaboutkidswhentheysmile;it’slikethejoydoesn’tjustshowontheirfacebuttheirwhole
body.Theirtinylegskicklikethey’resohappytheycan’tcontaintheirexcitementinjusttheirfaces.I
wouldlovetobetherecipientofthatkindofjoyoneday.

Ifeelmydreamysmilefallfrommyface.Thatwon’thappenanytimesoonthough.Aside
fromnotbeinginacommittedrelationship,whichIwoulddefinitelyprefer,Ineedmylifebackfirst.
Andthatiseasiersaidthandone.

Ishakemyhead,focusingbackonAllie.Thisisforthemtoworkoutandanyway,I’m
gettingaheadofmyself.Shemaynotevenbepregnant.

***

“I’mpregnant.”

Ialmostlaughtomyself,butIknowthat’llearnmeapunchsoIkeepmyexpression
carefullyneutral.

Alliejustpulledmedownthebarawayfromwherepatronswereoccupyingbarstools.I
glancearoundtomakesurenoonecouldstillhear.Satisfied,Ilookbackatherandsay,“Andhowdo
wefeelaboutthat?”

“Fuckingterrified.”

“Well,that’saprettylegitfeeling,butwhataboutlong-termfeelings?”Ihedgecarefully.

Shelooksdown.“Happy.Excited.”Sheglancesupbeneathherlashesatme.“Idon’tknow
howWileywillfeelthough.Wenevertalkedaboutit.”

“Gottatellhimsoon,Allie.He’llbeangryifhefindsoutyou’rekeepingsomethingfrom
him.”

Shenods.“Iwill.”

Ileanforwardandgiveherahug;shelookslikeshecoulduseit.Whensheletsgo,she
reaffirmsinamoredecisivevoice,“Iwill.”Shewalksawaytoacustomerwho’swavingherdown,
andIgetbacktowork.

Ilaughtomyselfasathoughtcrossesmymind.Wiley’sgoingtobeahundredtimesmore
protectivethanheisnow.It’sgoingtobefunworkinghereforthenextfewmonths.IwonderifIcan
putapooltogethertoseehowmanypeopleWileypunchesforanykindofimaginedslightagainsthis
babymama.

Oh,yeah.Thisisgoingtobeawesome.

CHAPTER12
MEG

It’sbeenadayandahalfsinceI’veseenorheardfromDeclan.Icouldtexthim,buthedid
havehisfingersinmethelasttimeIsawhimsoIdecidetobealadyandlethimcometome.

Hedoesn’tdisappoint,either.Hewalksintothebarataboutteno’clockandgrabsastoolat
thefarendofthebarfromwhereIam.

IturnbacktoDennis,whoIwastalkingtobeforeDeclanwalkedinanddistractedme.Icatch
thetailendofhissentence,“…rhinestonesforyourvagina.”

Whatthefuck?“Huh?”

Hewinks.“Justcheckingifyou’repayingattention.”Onamoredisturbinglevel,hesays,“I
knowshit.Igetaround.”

Ew.“I’mwalkingawaynow.”Hebarksoutalaughthatfollowsmedownthebar.

“Hey,Declan.”Ilookaroundhimforhisusualdrinkingbuddies.WhenIrealizenoone’s
withhim,Iask,“Where’syourfellowtroublemakers?”

“Camealonetonight.”Iraisemyeyebrowsinquestion.Hisanswerisasmile.

Myheartstutters.Hecamehereforme.Bitingbackasmile,IgrabhimhisusualShinerand
handittohim.

“Thanks.”Helooksaroundatthecrowd.“Youguysareprettybusytonight.”

“Nottoobad.Itletsmecatchupbetweenfightnights.WhenareyoufightingMartinez,
anyway?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Areyouready?”HisresponseishistrademarksmirkandIlaugh.Cockybastard.“Okay,
okay.Itakeitback.”Ipointmyfingerathim.“Youbetterbethough.I’mgoingtobetmoneyonyou
andifIloseit,I’mgoingtotakeitoutonyou.”

Helaughs.“That’smoreincentivetolosethanitistowin,beautiful.”Gulp.“ButI’llseewhat
Icando.”

Attemptingtochangethesubject,Iask,“Howwasyourafternoonyesterday?”Mymouth
driesupandIstartblushingfuriouslywhenIseehispupilsdilate.“Imeanyourappointment.How
wasyourappointment?”

Declan’sgazelandsonthepulsethrobbingatmyneck,butheletsitpasswithoutcomment
andjustanswersmyquestion.ThankGod.“Itwentwell.I’vegotabuddygettingoutoftheservice
soon,andhewantstoopenanautoshop.Tryingtohookhimupwithmyrealestatedevelopersince
hewantstoopenuparoundhere.”

Realestatedeveloper?Thatsoundsveryadulty.“Howoldareyou,anyway?”

“Thirty-one.Why?Thattoooldforyou?”

Idecidetoteasehim,pursingmylipsandnarrowingmyeyesinexaggeratedthought.“You
know?Ithinkyoumightbe.Ithinkyou’dbemoreathomewithDennis’scrowd,nowthatIthink
aboutit.Oh,well.Itwasfunwhileitlasted.”Ithrowthebartowelovermyshoulderandgotowalk

away.

MybrainregistersthesoundofastoolclatteringtotheflooratthesametimeIfeelhandsat
thebackofmyhairandonmyneck.IgaspinsurpriseasDeclan’slipslandonmine.Whoa.Noteto
self:Declandoesnotliketobeteasedabouthisage...Ineedtodoitmoreoftenifthisiswhatitgets
me.HenibblesonmylipsandIgetlostinthefeeling,forgettingthatwe’reinpublic—myplaceof
employment,noless.I’mcompletelyfocusedonthesandalwoodandsoapsmellthatisDeclanandthe
tingleshe’scausingtoracethroughmynervoussystem.Asifmyvaginaneedsanymore
encouragement.

Alltoosoon,hepullsaway.Itrytofollowhimuntilthebardigspainfullyintomyribcage,
makingitclearphysicswon’tletmegofurther.Ipullbackandusethebarforsupport,slowlypeeling
myeyelidsopentostareathim.

“Stilltoooldforyou?”

“No?”Irespond,butitcomesoutasquestion.Iclearmythroatandtryagain,myvoicemuch
surer.“No.”There.Nailedit.Istaredirectlyintohisdilatedgreengazeandblurtout,“Ithinkyou’re
perfectforme.”AndImeanitineverysense.Thisguygetstomelikenomaneverhas,andIdon’t
wanthimtostopwhateverspellhehasoverme.

Istraightenupandrunmyhandsthroughmyhair,justtryingtogivemysuddenlyawkward

handssomethingtodo.Itrytogetusbackontrack.Andby‘us’Imean‘me.’

“So,yourbuddy’samechanic.That’scool.IwishIknewhowtodomoretomycar.Intheback

ofmyhead,I’malwaysworriedI’llenduponthesideoftheroadinthemiddleofthenight,not
knowinghowtochangeatire,andprayingtripleAwillhurryupbeforeoneofthose‘good
Samaritans,’—”Iairquote“—comesalongandtriestotakethecaroffmyhands,orworse,mylife.”
Istopmyself.I’mbabbling,andIknowit.

Declanjuststudiesmecarefullyforamoment,headtilted.Itrynottofidget.I’mmentally
puttingalockonmytonguesoIdon’tstartonanewrantjusttodistractmyself.“Isthatwhyyoutake
self-defense?You’reafraidsomeonewouldtrytotakeadvantageofyou?”hefinallyasks.“You’ve
clearlybeenatitlongerthanmyclasses.”

Uh-oh,dangerzone.Verballybackaway.Slowly.“Somethinglikethat,”Ihedgethesame
wayhe’sdone,glancingeverywherebutathim.“IjustwishIknewalittlemoreaboutbeingonthe
offense,youknow?Idon’twanttohavetowaitforanattacktoreact;Iwanttobeproactive.Sensethe
awfuldirectionanencounterisheaded,strikefirst,andrunawayquickly.”

Finallylookingbackathim,IseeDeclannoddingthoughtfully,palmsplantedonthebar.“I
understand.Streetbrawling,effectively.ThatalsohappenstobesomethingIcanhelpyouwith.”

“Areyouofferingclassesinass-kickery?”

“Inasense.I’mofferingyouaclassinass-kickery.”Hislipsquirkinhumor.

Ipause,shocked.“You’ddothatforme?”

“Yeah,whynot?It’llhelpyoufeelsafer,andit’llhelpmytechniquetogobackandrefresh
myselfonthebasics.”Heshrugslikeit’snobigdeal.

Iassureyouitisa.Huge.Freaking.Deal.He’sofferingtotaketimeoutofhisbusyschedule
runninghisbusiness,teachingclasses,andtrainingforhisfightstoteachmejustsoI’llhavemore
peaceofmind.Heisn’tdismissingmyfearswitheyerollsanda‘that’llneverhappen’attitude,andhe

isn’tjusttellingmebestofluck.He’swillingtodothework.Forme.Seeingthegenuinewarmthin
hisfaceandinhisoffer,myheartstartstryingtobeatitswayoutofmychest.

Icanfeeltheworldreorientaroundme.Thisisthemomentithappens.Themomentmyheart

leapsfrommychestandnestlesinhispalmtodowithwhathewill.Everythingfromthismomenton
isuncertainexceptthatifhewalksaway,I’llneverbethesame.

IplacemyhandsonhiswarmonesandtrytoconveyhowIfeelwithoutfreakinghimout.
“Thankyou,Declan.”Ipause,tryingtobolstermysuddenlybreathyvoice.“Ican’ttellyouhowmuch
itmeanstome.”

Heshiftshisgazefrommineandpullshishandsaway,alittleuncomfortable,anddownsthe
restofhisbeer.“Listen,I’mgoingtoheadout.Letmeknowwhenyou’reoffsowecangetstarted.”

Confusedbyhisabruptreaction,Imerelytellhim,“Soundsgood.I’llcheckthescheduleand
textyoulater.”

Hegivesmeachinlift,leavessomemoneyonthebar,andheadsout.

ImustnothavehiddenthecrazyaswellasIthought.Ishrugtomyself.Awkwardexit,yes,
buthemadeitclearhisofferwasstillinplace,sothat’swhatI’llclingto.

CHAPTER13
MEG

IsentDeclanmydaysoffthenextdaywhenthenewschedulecameout.Herespondedtotell
metomeethimatCorpsStrengthSaturdayeveningatseven.That’sit,noneofhisusualteasing.I
triedanalyzingtheeventsoftheothernightoverandover,flippingitaroundinmyhead,andstillno
informativeepiphany.MaybeIhadabatinthecave?I’dprobablyactalittleoddwithsomeonewho
hadavisibleboogertoo.Well,whateverthecasemaybe,it’sbeenaddedtomycalendarfornow.

Declan’sfightistonightandI’mworkingthebarwithCaitlyn;atleastthisgivesmethe
chancetocornerhimifhe’sstillbeingweird.TonightalsohappenstobeSt.Patrick’sDay,which
traditionallyforthebarmeanscostumes.I’vepulledoutthebigguns,justincase.I’vecometoofar
toturnbacknow.

I’mtoldthetraditionstartedafewyearsagowhenapatroncameindressedmockinglyasSt.
Patrickwitharubbersnake.Eachyear,moreandmorepeoplewoulddressupasnymphs,
leprechauns,andsuch.Nowit’sbasicallyasecondHalloweenaroundhere—agreenone.

I’mdeckedoutinageniecostume,completewithsheerharempantsandashortbra-likevestfor

atop.Mywholemidsectionisopenforpublicviewing,andmyboobsareondisplayinalltheir
magnificence.Ican’tpullofftheshortstufflikeCaitlyn’sbootyshortsforherninjaturtlecostume,
butthankGodMotherNaturecounteractedthesefreakinghipswithsomethingequallydistracting.

It’sabouteightbeforeIseeDeclanwalkin.I’djustdeliveredaroundofdrinkstotheBarbie
look-a-likes.Literally.Thebleachedbimbosaredressedinvaryinggreenoutfitscompletewiththe
“B”backpacks,justliketheplasticdoll.Myinternalgrumblingatthestrangewomeniscutshort
whenIcatchDeclanfrozen,staringatme.Hehasn’tsaidaword,buthisdumbstruckexpression
instantlyliftsmyspirits.Igrinandwalktohim,hesitatingwhenIreachhim.Hehasn’texactly
declaredtomethatwe’redating,soIdon’tknowhowtoreacttohimwhenwe’rethecenterof
attention.

Beforemysmilecanfalterthough,hepullsmetohimandkissesmedeeply.Heholdsme
tightforamoment,weavinghishandsintomyhair.Myinsideswarmattheaffection.Whenhepulls
back,hesays,“Ican’tletyouwatchthefightlookinglikethis.I’mliabletogetdistractedandgeta
boner.Theseguysmightactuallystarttothinkthey’reattractive.”

Ilaughloudlyandpullbacktospinforhim,milkingit.“Youlike?”

Heexpelsaharshbreathandrunsahandthroughhishair,tuggingontheends.“Hellfucking
yes,Ilike.”Hestepscloseronceagainsohe’swhisperinginmyear.“Ilikesofuckin’muchI’m
goingtodemandyouwearitwhenyoudofinallysuckmydick.”

Bloodracestothesurfaceofmyskin.Iglancearoundtomakesurenoone’swatchingand

respond,“Yes,master,”teasinghim.

Hegroans.“Shit.I’mtryingtobehaveandyou’retryingtokillme.Thisisnotfuckin’fair.I
can’tkeepdoingthis.”Suddenly,hestandsupstraightandeyeballsthecrowdsurroundingusbefore
turningbacktome.“Yougetabreak?”Inod,enrapturedbythelookofpurelustinhiseyes.Henods
decisively.“Good.You’retakingitnow.”

“Caitlyn!I’mtakingmybreak!”Ibarelygetitoutbeforehethrowsmeoverhisshoulderand
walksthroughthecourtyardtothebackbuilding.Igiggleandgetmyasssmacked,whichofcourse
onlymakesmegigglemore.Sothisiswhatitfeelslike,huh?Whenaguygoescavemanonyou?

Mylaughterhasbarelysubsidedwhenhefinallyputsmedown.Mysurroundingsfadeinto
blackinthewakeofDeclan’seyes—hungersopureIshouldprobablybeworried.ButI’mnot.I
knowthehungerinmyeyesmatcheshis.Ineedhim.

Heslowlypressesmebacktoliedownonthecouchbehindme.Iwatchhimashestandsthere,

silentandstill.He’stakingmein.Icanfeeleverymuscleinmybodycontractinanticipationofhis
touchingme.I’vecomesuchalongwaysincethreeyearsago.Declan’scoiledmusclesstandingover
meonlyincitesafiercecraving,oneIfeelphysicallyandemotionally.It’sacravingformore.Inever
would’vethoughtI’dbecapableoffeelingorevenwantingthistypeofconnectionagain,with
anyone.ButIalreadyknowIwouldn’tfeelthiswaywithjustanyone.Iknowit’sonlyforDeclan—
sweet,thoughtful,funnyDeclan.He’stheonlymantoconvincemetotakeariskagain.

AndIknowexactlyhowtothankhim.

He’sstillstandinginfrontofme,staringdownatme,whenIsitupandscoottotheedgeof
thecouch.Istanddirectlyinfrontofhim,leaninginclosetopushhisflannelshirtoffhisshoulders.
Declanregistersalookofwonderatmyactions.He’salwaysbeentheaggressorinourinteractions
—untilnow.

Consciousofhiscuriosity,Islowlyrunmyfingersunderhisshirt,justabovethewaistbandof

hisjeans.Hegroansandreachesformyhipstopullmecloser.IlifthisT-shirtoverhisheadandtrail
myfingersdownhischestashisshirtfallstothefloor.WhenIreachthedivotsthatdefinehis
deliciousabs,Iswitchfromthesoftsensationofmyfingertipstorakingmyfingernailsdownhis
warmskintotheflyonhisjeans.Athisrapidinhalation,Ican’tholdbackmysmile.IlovethatIhave
suchaneffectonhim.

I’mbaskingintheconfidencehisreactionsgiveme.HemakesmefeellikeHelenofTroy—
irresistible.

Slowly,Ireleasethebuttonofhisflyandhiszipper,torturinghimwiththesoundofeachmetal

toothcomingundone.Declan’schestisrisingandfallingharshlyandI’vebarelyeventouchedhim.I
pushhimbackasteptogivemeroomtokneelinfrontofhim.Iknewthatwouldturnhimonmoreto
seemeonmyknees,andI’mprovenrightwhenhesinkshisfingersintothebackofmyhairand
says,“Fuck,Meg.You’reagoddamnedwetdream.”

Idon’tsayanything;IthinkI’masturnedonashim,andIdon’tevenhaveafaceinmy
crotch.Iworkhisjeansandboxerbriefsdownhishipsjustenoughtofreehiscock.Declanisnow
shirtlessinfrontofme,cockjumping,justwaitingformymouthand…I’minageniecostume.This
iswhatpornosaremadefrom,people.Ican’tholdbackabreathylaughfrommythoughts.

Hecontrolsmyheadbymyhairandmakesmelookupathisface,hisexpressionintense.
“Youlaughingatmydick?”

Ipeekupathimthroughmylashes,watchinghisreactionasIwrapmyhandaroundsaiddick
firmly.Islowlypullmyhandalonghisshafttothetip,thenallthewaybackdowntohispelvicbone.
Declanthrowsbackhisheadandhissesthroughhisclenchedteeth,questionforgotten.

He’stoodistractedtopressandthatempowersmefurther.Ikeepmyrighthandatthebaseof
hisshaftandrollhisballsaroundinmyleft.Slowly,Ilowermymouthtohistip,swipingmytongue
allthewayarounditbeforesinkingmymouthasfarontohiscockasIcangowithoutchoking.I
watchhisfacethewholetime,sweatbreakingoutonhisbrow.Backingoffhiscock,Idragtheflatof
mytonguealongthesensitiveundersideallthewayuntilmymouthpopsoff.Hisfingerstenseinmy

hair.Iknowhe’sfightingjustshovingitinmymouth,andI’mgrateful.Fornow.Iwanttotorment
himalittle,thesamewayhedidme.

Isuckthetipbackintomymouthandpressmytongueintotheslitatthetip.Whenhegroans,
Isuckmycheeksinandtakehimtothebackofmythroat,swallowingsomymusclesconstrictonhis
head.IworkmyhandonhisshaftasIpullmymouthbacktothetip.It’snotlongbeforehecan’ttake
anymore,hisbreathsbecomingharshandirregular.Declanfinallyendsthetortureandtakescontrol,
steadyingmyheadandthrustinginandoutofmymouth.Therough,unrelentinghandlinghasmy
pantiessoaked.Ilookupathisfacetoseehisjawclenchedandhisnostrilsflaring,staringdownat
me.“Yourmouthisperfect,”herasps.“I’mgoingtocome,Meg.”

Iknowhe’sgivingmetheopportunitytomove,butIstayput,swallowinghimalluntilIfeel
hismusclesstoptensingbeneathmyfingertips.

Isitbackandworkoncalmingmyownabusedlungs.I’mstillworkedup,butI’mtoogratified

inmynewfoundabilitytocauseDeclantounravel.

Iglanceupathim,exhilaratedandcontent,hopingtoseemyexpressionmirroredonhisface.

Declanisn’tlookingatmethough.Hislidsarestillheavyandhisgazeiseverywherearoundthe
room,exceptonme.ThenIglimpsethemuscletickinginhisjaw.IfIdidn’tknowbetter,I’dsay
Declanlooksalmost….angry?Ihavenoideawhythough.Oneofusjustcameanditwasn’tme;he
shouldbenowherenearanger.Hestartshastilyputtinghisclothesbackinplace,furtherconfirming
mythoughts.

Confused,Istandupandplacemyhandsonhisforearmstostillhim,tomakehimlookatme.

“Declan?”Ifeelmorethanseethecolorfulskinunderneathmyhandsjumping,hismuscles

alternatingbetweenflexedandrelaxed.

Afterafewseconds’hesitation,hefinallyturnsbacktome,lookingbutnotseeing.Heleans

forwardandkissesmyforeheadlightly.Ipausetoenjoyit,buthedoesn’tlinger.Heimmediately
returnstoputtinghimselfbacktogether—puttingunnecessaryconcentrationintoit,ifyouaskme.

Idon’tunderstandwhat’shappened,butIdoknowIneedtogetbacktowork.Iglancearound,

finallytakinginoursurroundings.Atleasthehadtheforesightforprivacy;heledustoasmall,
fairlybereftroomsomeofthefightersusetogettheirheadstraightbeforetheirfights.I’mjustglad
thedoorlocks.

Idecidetoplaydumbtohisunexpectedmoodswingbecauseit’sthesafest.Ileanupandkiss

himquicklyonthelipsoncehehashispantszipped.

“Ibettergetbacktowork.”Henods.That’sit.Henods.Imean,Idon’texpectathankyoucard,

butawordortwomightnotbeoutofplace.

Rubbingthesuddenacheinmytemples,Imakeaquickgetaway,wonderingwhatwentwrong.

CHAPTER14
MEG

Thenextmorning,I’mloungingonmycouchandtryingtogetlostinthelatestSkylaMadi
novel.MymindstillwantstowandertoDeclan,andIkeephavingtoshutitdown.It’sgetting
annoying.StupidDeclan.

Iwonderwhatthehellhappened.Consideringtheoutcome,I’dsayIhadaflawlessexecution,
orifnotflawless,stillprettydamngood.Ugh.Theysaymenareeasytoread,thatthey’resimple
creatures,butIcallbullshit.Also,Iwanttomeet‘they.’Tosmackthem.

Myphoneringsandsavesmefromimagininguntoldharmonafaceless‘they.’Thankfully.I
prayit’sDeclanasIturnthescreentoreadit.NotDeclan.

“Hiya,Lillian.”

“Hiya,Maggs!Holyshit,Ihavesuchgoodnews!Butyouhavetoguess!No,wait,that’lltake
forever.Imeanthechances—”

Oh,no.Thiscouldgoonforawhile.“Outwithit!”

“Oh,yes,sorry.IsawBen.”

Myheartdrops.“Areyouokay,Lily?DoIneedtocallthepolice?”

“No,no,nothinglikethat.Geez,howshittyisyourmemory?Ijustsaid‘good’news,
remember?”

“Ohmigod,Lily,outwithitbeforeIstrangleyouthroughthephone!”

“IsawBenonadate!”

“Onadate?”Isshebeingserious?Ofcoursesheis;Lilywouldn’tscrewwithmelikethat.But
how?IsshesureitwasBen?Howisshesureitwasevenadate?Hasmystalkermovedontosomeone
else?AmIfinallyfree?Thoughtsareping-pongingaroundinmyskull.Feelingsofanxietyand
euphoriafloodthroughmysystem,battlingfordominance.“Onadatewithwho?”Iask,mythroat
constrictingaroundthewords.

“Anotherwoman,Maggs.”

Thiswomanisgoingtodrivemetodrink,Iswear.Myfrustrationhelpsmetofindmyvoice
oncemore.“I’mwellawareitwasn’tme.Imeantdoyouknowwhoitwas?”

“Neverseenherbeforeinmylife,butshekindoflookslikeyou—Imean,whenyourhair
wasbrown.AndwhileIgetthatthat’sdisturbingonawholeotherlevel,I’mnotgoingtostallonthe
creepfactor,butinsteadmoveontothecelebrationpartoftheprogram…Yay!”

“Wow.”Becausereally,Idon’tknowwhatelsetosay.Isitover…Orisittoogoodtobe
true?Myheartracesattheprospect,eitherone.“Lily,wheredidyouseehim?Andhowdidyouknow
itwasadateandnotacousin?”

“HewasatthePJ’sbythelakefront.”Whichislocatedrightbytheuniversity.DidBenwant
hertoseehim?Wasitplanned?“Andeww.Becausehekissedher.IknowBen’salotofthings,buthe
neverdidstrikemeasahillbilly.”

“Doyounormallygothere?”Iask,ignoringherattemptathumor.

“Notanymore.Iusedto,butIgotlazyandjustdecidedtomakedowiththecoffeethat’son
campus.”

“Howlongsinceyou’vebeenthere?”DidBennotknowshedidn’tgothereanymore?Orwas
itnotintentional?Hedidn’tlivetoofarfromthere,soitwasfeasiblehehadadatemeethimtherefor
coffee.I’mstartingtohyperventilate.Mybrainistellingmetoacceptit,takeitatfacevaluesoIcan
stoplookingovermyshoulder,butmygutsaystobecareful.Istartpacingbackandforthtodirect
someofmyenergy.

“Notsincemidtermslastsemesterso…sevenorsomonthsago?Iwasjonesingforabanana
nutmuffinthoughandthecartoncampuswasout,soIdecidedtomakethedrive.”

“Didheseeyou?”Icollapsebackonthecouchbehindme.

“No,IsawthemsittingatatableoutsidewhenIwasscopingforaparkingspace.WhenI
realizeditwashim,Ijustkeptdrivingandwentrightbacktocampus.Ididn’twanttochancean
interaction.”

Istandupandstartpacingagain.“Thatwassmart…Wow,Lily.Idon’tevenknowwhattodo.
Mymindisgoinginamilliondifferentdirections,andIcan’tseemtopindownjustone.”

“Stop,woman!Listentome.Stoppacing.”Sheknowsmetoowell.Istopshufflingmyfeet.
“Takeadeepbreath,inandout.”ShepauseswhileIfollowherdirections.“Good,again...Now,
there’snoreasontofreakout,okay?I’mgoingtotellyouwhatwe’lldo,okay?Stillwithme?”Inod
andsheknowsit.“Good.We’regoingtokeepdoingexactlywhatwe’vebeendoingforthe
foreseeablefuture.There’snoreasontodropallourprecautionarymeasuresforonesingleevent.
Relax.,Maggs.”Ihearthesmileinhervoice.“Thismaybethebeginningoftheend.”

Finallygettingmybreathingundercontrol,Isay,“Iknow,Lily.IthinkI’mmoreworriedthat
it’snot.Whatifitwasasetupmeantforyou?”Theweightofitallcomescrashingdownonmy
shoulders,“WhatifInevergetmylifeback,Lily?”Tearsstartwellingupinmyeyesasthesadness
takeshold.

“Stopitrightnow,MargaretElizabethBergeron!”Heruseofmyrealnamemakesmecry
harder.“Maggs!Shutthefuckup!”

“You…shut…the…fuck…up!”Mywordsareinterruptedbymysobs.

Shejustlaughsatme.“Comeon,honey,relax.I’mtryingtomakeyoufeelbetterandhand
youaropetopullyouofftheledge,andyoujustkeeptryingtohangyourselfwithit.Comeonnow,
pullyourshittogether.Thiswillgetyounowhere.”

Ihiccupandgulpdownsomeair.She’sright.Still!Why’sshegottobesopractical?“Bitch,”
IsaywhenI’vecalmedmyselfdownfrommymini-meltdown.Although,I’mthankfulshe’snot
lettingmehavethispityparty.Shehasnopatienceforthatkindofcrap.She’sdefinitelyapersonwho
preferstodealwithproblemshead-onandnotwithtears.

Shelaughs.“Whore.”

“Iloveyou.”

“Iloveyoutoo.”

“Good…Nowmakemefeelbetter,”Ihalf-heartedlydemand.

“Finally.I’mtellingyouthatyouneedtochillthefuckout.Thisisagoodthing,butwe’llbe

carefulandkeepupthesamewaywehavebeen.Fornow.Youwillgetyourlifebackeventually.
Maybenottomorrow,butyou’rehappywithwhereyouareandwhatyou’redoingrightnow,aren’t
you?”

“Yes,”Isayslowly.

“Good,thenwehopeforthebestandkeepourfingerscrossed.Everythinghappensfora
reason,Maggs.Youhavetobelievethat.”Itakeadeepbreath.Iknowshe’sright.Asusual.Dammit.

“Ihatethatyou’realwaysright.”

Shelaughsmaniacally.“That’sfunny,becauseIloveit!”

“Iknowyoudo.Imissyou.”

“Imissyoutoo.I’lltrytogetarentalcarandcomeseeyouforalongweekend.”

“Iwouldlovethat.Really.”

“Thenit’ssettled.I’lltalktoyoulater,Maggs.I’vegottogettoclass.”

“Okay,byefornow.”

Istandinthatsamespot,digestingeverythingshe’ssaid.She’sright;Ican’tfreakoutabout

somethingIcan’tcontrol.I’msafeandhappyhere,andthere’saverysmallrayoflightattheendof
thetunnel.That’swhatIneedtoholdonto.Positivethoughts.Positivefeelings…MaybeifIrepeatit
enough,Icanmakeittrue….

Iwalktothebathroomsinkandsplashcoolwateronmyburningface.Aftertowelingmyskin

dry,Istareatmyreflectioncritically.ThegirlstaringbackatmeisnotoneIrecognize.Forone,her
flamboyantredhairspeaksofaninvitationforattentionandjudgment—somethingonlyaconfident
girlwouldhave.Herskinissmooth,ifabitsplotchyatthemoment.Nobagsunderhereyes.Nosigns
ofsleeplessnessorexcessivestress.Sheishappyandhealthy,nothinglikethebruisedandbrokengirl
whofirstappearedinthismirrorthreeyearsago.

I’vebuiltalifehere,oneIlove.Sure,it’snottheoneI’denvisionedasadoe-eyedfreshmanin

college,butwhoseis?Thislifemayhavebeenbornfromdesperatenecessity,butit’sdevelopedinto
oneI’mproudtocallmine.

I’vebeenabletoflourishhere,maybeeveninawayIwouldn’thavebeenabletobefore.Lily’s

right;Ineedtoembracethisasmypathfornowandnotworryaboutoutsideforces.Hell,I’veeven
allowedmyselftotakeagambleonDeclan.Ihavedefinitelycomealongway.

ThoughtsofDeclanstarttofloodmybrain,butIshutthemdown.I’vebeenthroughthe

emotionalringertoday;Ineedtofocusonsomethingthatdoesn’tbombardmewithamillion
unanswerablequestions.Ineedadistraction.AndIknowjustwhotocall.

***

I’msittinginaboothperusingthemenuwhenAlliewalksin.Iaskedhertomeetmefor
lunchandI’mgladshedid.Ihaven’tseenherinafewdays,andIcanseenowsheisabsolutely
glowing!

“Iguessitwentwell?”Iaskherassheslidesintotheoppositeside.

“Itdid.”IthinkIcanseeherbackmolarshersmileissobig.

“That’sgreat,Allie!Iknewhe’dbeexcitedaboutknockingyouup.Sospillit,sister.How’d
youtellhim,andwhat’dhesay?”

“Well,Ijustkindofblurteditout.IwassoscaredIcouldn’tthinkofanythingotherthan
gettingitoffmychest.SoIwasinthebathroomwashingmyfacethatnightandhewalkedinbehind
metousethebathroomandwasmidpisswhenIcouldn’tcontainitanylonger.Iwassoafraidofhis
reaction.”Shebreaksdownlaughing.“Andoh,myGod,Meg,itwassofreakingfunnyandawkward!
Iprobablyshould’vewaited,butthereheis,facefrozen,dickinhandandIthought,‘Wow,hejustgot
life-changingnewsandisstillhittingthetarget.He’snevergoingtoliveitdownifhemissesthenext
timehe’sdrunk.’Itwassuchanobscure,ridiculousthingtocometomind,andIjusteruptedinto
gigglesandcouldn’tstop.”

Icovermymouthwithbothhandsinanattempttohidemyown.“Holycrap!Whatdidhedo?
You’rekillingme,woman.”

“Yeah,nojoke!Sohefinisheshisbusiness,right?Zipshisfly,flushesthetoilet,andjust
looksatme.”Herexpressionturnsdreamy.“Then…Thenthestunnedexpressionjustmeltsoffhis
faceandherushesmeandpicksmeupandspinsmearound.Laughinglikealoonthewholetime!It
wasamazing,Meg.”Shesighshappily.“Justamazing.”

Iknewit.There’ssomuchlovebetweenthosetwo;there’snowayWileycould’vebeenupset
bythis.Ijustknowthey’regoingtobeamazingparents.“I’msohappyforyouguys.”Ileanforward
andgripherhand,givingitabriefsqueeze.“So,haveyoumadeadoctor ’sappointment?”

Wetalkaboutherappointmentsandvitaminsanddietaryrestrictionsforthebetterportionof

ourhamburgersbeforeshesteerstheconversationtoanewtopic.

“So,how’rethingsgoingwithDeclan?”

Hmm.Howtoanswerthat?“I’mnotcompletelysure.”

“Huh?Ithoughtyouguyswentoutandgottoknoweachother….”Shewigglesherbrows
suggestively.

Ilaugh.“Youstooge.Wedid,buthewentkindofcoldonmeafterIsuckedhisdick.”Itakea
sipofwaterandtrytoplayitcool.Nope,itdidn’thurtmyfeelings.Allgoodhere….

Ijumpwhenherfistlandshardonthetable.“Thatasshole!Don’ttellmehejustwantedtoget
hisdickwet?”

Whatthehell?Iglareather.“Ihadn’tthoughtofitlikethat,butthanks.”

“Sorry!Justcallingitwhatitlookslike.Maybeitwasjustaflukethough?I’msurehe’llbe
finewhenyouseehimagain.Wait,areyouseeinghimagain?”

Ishrug.“Iguess.Wehadaprescheduledappointment.Hehasn’ttalkedtometocancelit,soI
assumeit’sstillon.”

“Good!I’msurehe’llbefine,”shesaysinafirm,resolutetone.“It’sgottobeafluke.You’re
acatch,babe.He’llrealizeit,you’llsee.”

Inod,unconvinced.Hasn’thappenedyet.

CHAPTER15
MEG

Thenextday,IwalkthroughthedoorsofthegymtofinditdesertedandDeclanrunninglike
thecopsarechasinghimononeofthetreadmills.Hewonhisfighttheothernight;Ididn’tgettosee
whatdamagehadbeendonesincehe’dslippedout,butIfeellikeheshouldbetakingiteasy.

Hehasn’tnoticedmeyet,withhisearbudsinandgazedirectedattheoppositewall,andI’m
gratefulforit.Irunmyeyesgreedilyalonghisform,shinywithsweat.He’ssograceful,eachstep
coordinatedwithhisarmsandbreath,hismusclescontractingandreleasingrhythmicallybeneathhis
skin.I’veneverbeenoneforart,butifsomeoneputhimonacanvasthewayheisnow,I’dwallpaper
myhousewithit.

IbreakoutofmytrancewhenheslamstheStopbuttononthemachineandjumpsoff,taking
longpullsfromhiswaterbottle.Heliftshischinatmeinabrusquegreetingandwalkstowardsamat.
“Youready?”

Great.Guesshe’sstillinhisfunk.Itakeadeepbreathandrollmyneck,tryingtoeasesome
ofthetensionthat’sbuiltupoverthepastcoupleofdays.Idoubtanyissueswillberesolvedtonight.I
followDeclanwithmystuffandputitofftotheside.“Yeah,absolutely.”

“Good,wecanstartwithsomestretches.”Heleadsmethroughaseriesofstretchesin
completesilence.

IcanonlytakethequietforsolongbeforeIbreakit.“So,whereiseveryone?Ithoughtyou
closedlaterthanthis?”

Hisgazemeetsmineonlybrieflybeforeresponding,voicehard.“Wedo,butitseemspeople
havebetterthingstodoonaSaturdaynightthanworkout.”

Ouch.Myheartsqueezesathistone.Wouldheratherbesomewhereelse?I’msotiredof
sittinginlimbowhereDeclanisconcerned.Ican’tseehisfacetoknowifthat’sashotatmeora
generalstatement,soIask.“Isthatacommenttowardsme?Icanleave.You’redoingmeafavor,and
Ididn’tmeantoputyouout.Buttobefair,you’retheonewhotoldmetocomeheretonight.Iwasn’t
inanygreathurry.”Okay,soI’malittledefensive.Shootme.

Hestandsupstraighttolookatme.“No.You’reright.”Heshakeshisheadalittleandswipes
backhishair.“Finishstretching,I’llberightback.”Iwatchhisbackdisappeardownthehallway.

Thatwasn’treallyananswer,butIdon’tknowhowtoextractmorefromhim.Whenhe
comesbackafterafewminutes,hehasashirton.Ishakeoutmyarms,readytogetlostinsome
endorphins.

Hestopsinfrontofme,hismannerbusiness-likeanddirect.“Ready?”heasks.Atmynod,he
continues,“Allright,soyouhaveagoodbackgroundinself-defense,andthiswon’tbetoodifferent.
Mainlywhathappenshereisthatyou’llstartoutastheattackerandnottheattacked,soit’syourjobto
lookforaweaknessbeforeinstigatinganything.”

Herunsmethroughafewscenarios,multipletimesandinvaryingorders,toseeifI’llpick
upontheopeninghe’sgivenme.

We’vebeenatitforoveranhourandhe’slosthisshirtagain.I’mtired,butstilldetermined.I

wanttogeteverythingoutofthisthatIcan.

“Quittelegraphingyourpunches,Meg.Ifyou’regoingtogiveyourintentionsaway,atleastgo

foraSupermanpunch.Youcan’tletyouropponentgetthebestofyou.Youcan’tdependonsomeone
runningintosaveyou.Reallifeisn’tlikethemovies.You’retheonlyoneyoucancounton,soyou
can’tgiveawayyourintentions.”Declangesturestohishead.“That’stheonlyupperhandyouhave.”

Inod,breathinghard.Ineedtoapproachthiswithoutthementalsafetynetofknowingit’snot

real.Ineedtoputmyselfinthathypothetical,criticalsituationandtryagain.Whenweresetpositions,
that’sexactlywhatIdo.Istartleadingwithmyknee.WhenIseeDeclanreactingtoit,Iquicklypullit
backandthrowmybodyintoapunchathisunprotectedhead.Pullingthepunch,obviously;I’mnot
actuallytryingtohurttheman.

“Good!Excellent,Meg.That’sexactlywhatIwanttosee.Tryagainwithsomethingelsenow.”

HeresetshispositionandwaitstoseewhichwayI’llcomeathim.Invigoratedbyhiswords,I

takeamomenttoanalyzehisstancethenleadwithanelbowtohisface.OnlyI’malittletoococky
frommylastsuccessandendupputtingatouchtoomuchpowerintoit.Mywholebodylosesbalance
andfollowsmyelbow,whichDeclanhascaught.Butheisn’texpectingtheforce,ormybodybehind
it.Hefallstotheside,withmelandingontopofhim.

“Ouch,”hewheezes.

Iliftmyheadfromthemattoapologize.Hisbrowsarepinchedandhiseyesareunfocused,
hismouthgapingslightly.HisjarredexpressionissofunnytomeandunexpectedthatIstartlaughing
—full,uncontainedlaughterthatbringstearstomyeyes.Ican’tevengetoutwhatIfindsofunny
whenhedoesnothingbutstareatmewiththesamejoltedlook.

Ipoundmyhandonthematbyhisheadinasilentcryofuncle.“Your…”Morelaughter,more

tears.“Yourface…Itwasjustsofunny.”Mylaughtertransformstoayelpasherollsustoreverse
ourpositions,puttingmeonthebottom,sandwichedbetweenhimandthemat.

“Myfaceisfunny?IsthatwhatIheard?”He’sbacktoteasingme.CrankyDeclanhasleftthe
building.Finally.IfI’dknownthiswasallitwouldtake,I’dhavethrownanelbowathisheaddays
ago.

AfewlingeringgigglesbubbletothesurfaceasIanswer,“Maaaaybe.Butdon’tworry,it’s
notlikeyoucanhelpit.Andwhoknows,youmayyetgrowintothatnoseofyours.”Hisnoseis
perfectandstraight,butitwasallIcouldthinkof.

Hejustlooksatmeforaminute,notresponding.Inthesilence,Ibecomeveryawareofthe
positionwe’rein.Hisforearmsareproppinghimuponeithersideofmyhead.Myhandsareholding
ontohissides;Imusthavegraspedonwhenherolledus.That’sfunny,itfeltsonatural,andIdidn’t
evenrealizeit.HiseyesareboringintomineandIstartstrokingmyhandsupanddownthewarm
skinofhissides.Ifeelhiscockbeginningtoswellagainstmylegwherehe’sstraddlingme.

HiseyesdroptomylipsandItakeitasmysignal.Ispreadmylegstocradlehimandmovemy

handsdowntohisasstopushhimharderagainstme.Mygigglesarelonggone.

Helowershismouthtomineandlicksmylips.Asifitwereadambreaking,webothstart
movinginarush.Ishovehisshortsandunderweardownhislegswhileheripsawayatmine.Then
we’rebothfightingtogetmytankandbraoff.I’mthinkwemadeagianttearinmytanktop,butI
don’tcare;allIknowisthatIneedhisskinagainstmineandfailureisnotanoption.Finallyfree,I
wrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandpresshisbodyagainstmine,crushingmychestdeliciously
againsthis.Herockshiscockagainstmeandstartssuckingattheskinofmyneck,causinggoose

bumpstoerupt.Idragmyfingernailsalonghisbackandamrewardedwithagroan.

HerollsusonceagainandrepositionsussoI’mstraddlinghisseatedform.Icanseeso
muchmorefromthispositionandIfuckingloveit.Hebringsmeinclosetosuckmynippleintohis
mouthandIpullathishair.Heanswerswithasmacktomyassthatleavesmebreathless.Imoanand
hedoesitagaintotheothercheek.Ican’ttaketheteasinganymore,grabbingtheheadofhiscock
nestledbetweenusandgivingitafewstrokes.

“Harder,Meg.God,baby,thatfeelssogood.”Iliftmyselfoffhislapenoughtopositionhim
atmyentrance.Islowlylowermyselfontohim,inchbyagonizinginch,untilhe’sallthewayinand
I’msittingdirectlyonhispelvis.Declanfallsbackfromhisuprightpositiontolayflatonthemat.He
mustseemewince,becausehegivesmeafewsecondstoadjusttohissize.It’sbeenalongwhile
sinceI’vebeenwithanyonewhichdoesn’tmakeitanyeasier.

“Baby,ifyourpussygetsanytighteronme,thisisn’tgoingtolastlong.”

AsurprisedlaugheruptsandithelpstorelaxmymusclessoIcanstartmovingonhim.Ilean
forward,bracingmyhandsonhischestasIbegintoridehim—slowlyatfirst,becauseIlovehislook
ofenthralledtormentthat’sdirectedatme.Itmakesmefeelpowerfulandsexyso,likeanydecent
woman,Iexploitit.Riseallthewaytothetipwithjustthebarestcontactandthenslidingalltheway
backdown.Repeat.

Hedoesn’tletmegetawaywithitforlong.Withagrowloffrustration,herollsusagainand
putsoneofmylegsoverhisshoulder.Hishandsonmyhipspullmeagainsthimashethrustsintome
repeatedly,positioninghisshafttorubrightwhereIneedhimmost.Declanmovesahandfrommy
hipandcaressesmytorso,causingshiversofpleasuretorollthroughmysystem.Hishandsandcock
arerubbingmesoexquisitelythatI’malreadyworkedup.Withjustafewstrokes,I’mclose.

“Yourpussy’sperfect.It’smadeformydick.Sotightandhot.”Thenthefuckerslowsdownto

therhythmI’dtorturedhimwithearlier.Sonofabitch.Idigmynailsintohisasstryingtoforcehim
togoharderandfaster.“Notsonice,isit?ToobadI’menjoyingmyself.IwonderhowlongIcan
keepyouontheedge.”

“Bastard,”Igrowl,buthemerelylaughsatmyfrustration.Hesoongivesuphissickjoke
andstartsslammingintomeharderandfaster,justlikeIneedhimto.Readingmyneedsso
completely,headjustshisangleslightly,drivingmybacktoarchoffthemat.Iletoutacry,
convulsionscomingovermesoquicklytheyknockthebreathfromme.Anotherstrokeandhe
followsmeovertheedgebeforecollapsingontopofme,noseburiedinmyneck.

Westaythatwayforafewmoments,catchingourbreath,andIcommiteverysecondto
memory.MyheartissofullI’malmostafraidthepainfulthumpofmypulseagainsthisisgivingme
away.

Irunmyhandslightlydownhisbackandherelaxesintome,spreadinghisweightonmesoI
canstillbreatheunderhim.Iwanttostaythiswayforever.I’veneverfeltsaferormorewanted.This
mustbewhatHeavenislike.

Alltoosoonherollstohisback,bringingmewithhimsohischestismypillowandour
limbsaretangled.Mmmm,notabadtrade-off.Icouldstandspendingthenextmillenniaheretoo.I
snuggleinalittleclosersothereisn’tevenamoleculeofairbetweenus.

Hisrightarmstartsstrokingmyleft,upmyforearmanddownmyhandandoveragain.

Acouplethoughtsoccurtome.“Noone’sgoingtowalkinhere,right?”

Ifeelhisheadshakeabovemine.“Icanlockandunlockthedoorsfromanapponmyphone.
IdiditearlierwhenIwentintheback.”

Oh,good.Nowforthehardone.“So…wedidn’tuseacondom.”

“No,wedidn’t.”Heshiftshisheadtolookdownatme,intensityinhisgaze.“I’mclean
though,Meg,Iswear.We’rerequiredtogettestedbeforeeveryfight.Iwouldn’tdothattoyou.”

Inod,knowinghe’stellingmethetruth.“Iamtoo.Igotafullworkupdoneaftermylast
boyfriend,aswellasanIUD.”

WelieinsilenceuntilIhavetoaskthequestionthat’sbeenweighingonmymindsinceour
firstkiss.“Whynow,Declan?”Iknowit’satoughquestion,butit’ssomethingI’vebeenstruggling
with.

“Huh?”heasks,vaguely.

“Whynow?”Irepeat.“We’veknowneachotherforoverayearnow.Whatpromptedyouto
dosomethingaboutusnow?”

Heshrugs.“Iguessyouwerealittlehardertooverlookafteryou’dbeenthrowninmyfacea
coupletimes.”Helaughsalittleathisownjoke,butI’mnotsureIlikethatanswer.Idon’tthinknow
isthetimeforpassive-aggressivenessthough,soIjustnodagainsthischestandletitgo.

“So,whatmadeyouditchthelastguy?Idon’tthinkI’veseenyoudateanyone,”heprobes,

changingthesubject,stillstrokingmyarm.

Isigh.“It’saprettylongandsordidtale.”

“Thosearemyfavorite.”Heleansdownandkissesmyforeheadsweetly.

IpickthroughthefactsanddebatehowmuchIwanttotellhim.ThenIthinkaboutwhatItold
Allie,abouthidingsomethingfromsomeoneimportant.Granted,he’snotmybabydaddy,butwe’re
atleastdating,aren’twe?It’snotsomethingIshouldhidefromhimfromtheoutset.

Itakeadeep,steadyingbreath.“Justremember,youaskedforit.”Athisnod,Istarttelling
himaboutBen.“Istarteddatingthisguyaboutfourorfiveyearsago.”Thankfully,thosememories
arestartingtogetfuzzy.“Hewasinacoupleofmyclasses.Hewasstudyingpre-med,wantedtobea
doctor.Hewasmaybeayearaheadofme.Hepursuedmeheavilyfromthebeginning,andIwas
flattered.Hewasclean-cutandhandsome,andIwasexcitedthathewasdrawninbyme.Ikepthim
hangingforafewweeks,wantingtomakesurehewasserious.Onedaythough,Igaveinandwenton
adate.HecamefrommoneywhenIdidn’t,soitwasprettyeasytosweepmeoffmyfeet,asclichéas
itsounds.Nicerestaurants,lavishgifts—Iwasyoungandstupidandequatedmoneytolove.

“Wemovedintogetherafterafewmonthsandthingsstartedchangingrapidly.He’dalways
beencontrolling,wantingtoknowwhereIwasandwhatIwasdoingandwithwhom,butIthoughtit
wasoutofconcern.Ithoughtitwassweet.”Ispitoutthelastwordbitterlyandhisgriponmetightens,
encouragingme.

“Itwasjustmeandmysisterbackhome,andshetriedtotellmewhatwasgoingonwhenI
couldn’tseeitformyself.God,she’ssmart.”

“Youhaveasister?I’veneverseenheratthebar,haveI?”

“No,she’sstillinNewOrleans,finishingupherdegree.She’sonfullscholarshipthere.”He
nodsinacceptanceandprods,“Keepgoing.”

Itakeanotherbreathbecausethisisthehardpart.“Themotivationsbehindhiscontrol
becameapparentprettyquicklyafterthat.Hewasobsessedandhewasn’tstable.Heneverhitmeinthe
beginning,buthewouldsaythingstomakesureIknewnoonewouldwantmebuthim.Noonewould
putupwithmebuthim.ThatIwasnothingandnoonewithouthim.”Ishiverinrevulsionatthe
thoughtnow.Hehadengrainedthoseideasintomywayofthinking,intothewayIsawmyself.Itwas
hardtoseemyselfasmorewhenIstartedonmyownagain.Whenthefirstboywhogivesyouthe
timeofdaytellsyou,formonthsonend,thatyou’reworthless,youstarttobelieveit.Therewasno
onebeforehim,sowhywouldtherebesomeoneafterhim?Whywouldanyonebother?

Ihavetoclosemyeyestocontinue,notwantingtoseethejudgmenthe’ssuretofeeltowards
meforallowingmyselftoevenbeinthatsituation.“Lillianwastheonetosaveme.Shewastherefor
meafteraparticularlybrutalepisode.”Iowedhereverything.Shehelpedmephysicallyand
emotionally,whereyearsoftherapynevercould.Shetoldmeshelovedmeandthatshewasno
differentthananyoneelse,soifshecouldloveme,whycouldn’tsomeoneelse?I’vealways
respondedbesttologic,andsheknewthat.Lilygavemethefoundationtoworkwith.

Don’tgetmewrong;Istillhadtorebuildmyself-worth,whichIhavelearnedisanunending

process.Idon’tknowthatI’lleverstophearingjudgmentalwhispersinmymind,buteachdayand
witheverydecisionImake,Igetmicroscopicallybetteratpushingthemaside.

“Lilycametomyrescue.Helpedmetothecar,packedonlymyessentials,andmovedmeout.

ButrememberthepartofthestorywhereIsaidhewasn’tstable?”Iask,lookingupathim.Henods,
angerradiatingfromeverypore.Declanstoppedstrokingmyarmatsomepointinmystoryandnow
he’sgrippingmyforearmfirmly.

Icontinue,“Well,thatday,Ilostapsychoticboyfriendandgainedapsychoticstalker.”

Inadeceptivelycalmmanner,herepositionshimselftolieonhisside,proppinghisheadina

handtolookdirectlyatme,hisfulllipscompressedtightly.Hefreeshisgripfrommyforearmand
startsstrokingmyside.Idesperatelyappreciatethecontact.Ineedit.Ineedhim.“Andclinically,I
don’tknowthatpsychoistherightword.WhatIdoknowisthatIwasnotsafe,andhewasnotacting
inarationalcapacity.”

“He’sfollowingyounow?Here?”heasks,withbarelyleashedfury.

IstareintoDeclan’sgreeneyes,overwhelmedwithhisreactiononmybehalf.Tellinghim
wasdefinitelytherightthingtodo.“Thisisthepartyou’llneedtokeeptoyourself.Wileyistheonly
otherpersonwhoknowsouthere.MynameisMargaretBergeron.”

“IthoughtitwasMeganJames?”

“Youweresupposedto.Hisobsessionwasturningviolentanddrastic.Hestartedleaving
thingsformetofindthatI’drathernotrepeat.”Ishiveragainandhepullsmeclosertohiswarmth.
“Lilywastheonewhocameupwiththeideaofrunning.SoIpackedmybasicsinabookbagand
tookoffthroughthebackdoorofthelibrary,whenIknewhe’dbewaitingoutfront,andIdidn’tstop
untilIgothere.Ithoughtthismightbetheperfectcitytogetlostin.It’sgeographicallylargeand
denselypopulated,”Isay,reasonably.“IendeduplookingforworkatTheSeventhCircle.Drawntoit
becauseitwasoperatedbyamotorcycleclub,andIknewthatwouldhelpmeoutintwoways.”Itick
offonefinger.“First,ifanyonewouldletmeworkforthemunderthetable,whobetterthanthe

outliersofbothsocietyandlaw.”Itickoffthesecondfinger.“Second,ifhesentanyonetolookfor
meandtheywereabletotrackmehere,nooneintheirrightmindwouldpoketheirnosearounda
motorcycleclub.

“ItoldWileymysituationwhenIfirstappliedforthejob.Ididn’tthinkitwouldbefairto
thrustonhimandhisclubtheriskthatIwaswithoutpriorwarning.Afteratwo-minutestaredown
thatapparentlyexposedmysoul,hegavemethejobandagreedtopaymeincash.Heevensetmeup
attheapartmentI’mat.Icouldn’thavemadeitthislongwithouthim.”Ilaughalittle.Forsucha
badass,theguyisanabsolutesweetheart.NotthatI’dtellhimthattohisface.Ever.

Iremainsilent,waitinganxiouslyforhisreaction.

Whenhefinallydoesspeak,hesays,“Sothat’swhyyouwantedtolearnself-defenseandhow
tofightdirty.”

Inodunnecessarilyathisstatement.

Heconsidersmesilentlyforaminutelonger.“So,wereyoualwayscalledMegor
Margaret?”

“IwentbyMaggie.IthoughtMegwouldbecloseenough;plus,it’sacommon-enough
nicknameforMargaret.Igottokeepalittleofmyself,youknow?MysistercallsmeMaggs.She
neverdidliketocallmewhateveryoneelsedid.She’dsayshewantedtobeabletocallouttomeina
crowdandhavemeknowexactlywhoitwas.”Ishrug,“She’sweird.”

Hebrushesloosestrandsthatescapedmyponytailfrommyface.“Youobviouslymissher.
Doyouevergettoseeherortalktoher?”

“Ionlyseehermaybeonceayear,andeventhat’sdifficult,”Isaysadly.“Heisn’tinterested
inmessingwithLily,thankGod.”Idon’tknowwhy,butI’mgrateful.WhenIfirstleft,Iwasworried
hemightdosomethingtoherinretribution,butsherefusedtocomewithme.Shewantedtotake
advantageofherscholarshipsandfinishschool,somehowconvincedBenwasn’tconcernedwithher.
Asweeksprogressedandhercheck-inscameregularlywithnothingtoreport,Istoppedworryingso
much.IwasgonemaybethreemonthswhenitbecameapparentastowhyBenhadleftheralone.“He
doeshavesomeonekeepinganeyeonherthough.Goingthroughhere-mailsandtrackingherphone
records.”

“Whydidn’tyoujustgotothepolice?Howdidyouevenknow?”heaskswithcuriosity.

Ilookathimincredulously.“YoudoknowNewOrleansisconsistentlyoneofthetopten
mostcorruptcitiesinAmerica,right?”Declanshakeshishead.“Politicians,thesheriff’soffice,the
wholegamutarehardtotrust,especiallywhenBen’sfamilyissoengrainedinthelocalpolitics
becauseoftheirmoney.”Nope,thelocallawwasnotanoption.

Consideringthatmatterclosed,Imoveontohisotherquestion.“Wedidn’tknowatfirst,butlike

Isaid,Lily’ssmart.Everyonceinawhile,therewouldbeane-mailmarked‘read’thatshehadn’t
opened.Thepersonmusthaveforgottentoputitbackintherightfolderafterlooking.

“Shecallsmefromaprepaidphoneandonlysparingly.Wedon’tknowhowclosehe’s
watchingher,soshe’sveryconscientiouswhenitcomestome.”

Lyingonmybacktogazeunfocusedattheceiling,Iadd,“Youknow,Iwanttokillthatguy,
fornoreasonotherthanhe’smademedreadtalkingtomysister.”Iturnmyheadbacktohim.“She
alwayskeepsmeapprisedifanythingnewhashappenedorifhe’sbeenquiet.AndIdreadit.Ican’t

justlookforwardtotalkingtomybabysisterlikeIusedto.Nowit’salwaysweightedbyanupdate
abouthim,forbetterorworse.Iwanttokillhimjustforthat.”

IlookDeclanintheeye,wantinghimtoknowI’mserious.WhatIgetmeltsmyheart.He
cupsmyjawwithonehandandsays,“I’llshowyouhow.”

CHAPTER16
MEG

Truetohisword,wespendthenextweekandahalfworkingonmyfightingtechnique.The
nightofmytell-allmarkedachangingpointforusthatI’mnotsurewasforthebetter.Hemovedup
ourmeetingtimestoaroundnoon,andIdon’tknowifitwaspurposelysowewouldn’tbealoneor
I’mjustoverthinkingitanditwasmoreconvenient;butwhencombinedwiththefactthathedoesn’t
jokearoundwithmeanymore,itdoesn’tbodewellforme.

OnThursdayafternoon,I’mexhausted.Ihadanhourofcardio,anhourofclass,andanextra
houroftrainingwithDeclan.I’mdrainedphysicallyfromtheworkoutsandemotionallyfromhim.
He’sconstantlyirritated,solemn,orboth,andit’sgettingannoying.

“Comeon,Meg,focus,”hereprimandsmylatestattempt.

Igrumbleundermybreath,“I’llfocusmykneeonyourballs.”Okay,Imightbesexually

frustratedtoo,butthebastard’sgothisshirtoff.

Imopmysweatybrowwiththehemofmytank.Yes,again.Don’tjudgeme;itworkedthe
firsttime.

Hemayaswellbemadefromstonethough,becausehejuststandstherewithhislegs
shoulder-widthapartandarmscrossed.Isthatapissed-offlookonhisface?Oh,hellno!He’stheone
withtheattitude,notme!That’sit.TimetoquitwhileI’mahead…oratleastfarenoughaheadto
controlmyinstincttobeathimupsidethehead.

Ilookattheclockonthewall.“I’vegottogetgoing.Ineedtobeatworkinanhourorso.”
It’sasgoodanexcuseasany.

Henodsonceanddropshisarmstohisside.“Allright.Sametimetomorrow.”

Ireturnhisnod,scoopupmyshit,andgetoutofthere.

***

Thenextday,I’mstretchingononeofthematswaitingforDeclanwhenhesuddenlyappears
behindme.

“Whenyou’redone,meetmeoutsidewithyourbag.”Heisn’tquiteasabruptasyesterday.
He’sbacktobeingjustsolemn,andI’mnotsureifthat’sanimprovementornot.

Ifinishlooseningupfrommyearlierrunandgrabmystufftofollowhimoutside.Heleads
meovertomycar—mytwelve-year-oldgreyCorollawiththerustingroofthatIhaveaffectionately
namedBob.Istopbesidehim,crossmyarms,andturnmyheadtolookupathimimpatiently,
aggravatedbyhismerepresenceatthispoint.

Completelyunaffected,hereturnsthelookfromhisheight.“You’regoingtolearntochange
atire.”

Myarmsdroplimplyatmysides.

That.Asshole.Iwasjustworkingintoagoodsnitandhehastogoandbethoughtfulagain.Now

Ihavetobenice.Dammit.Thisisbullshit!

“Popyourtrunk.Let’sseewhatwe’reworkingwith.”

Idigthroughmybagformykeystodoashesays.WhenI’vegotitopen,hesurveysthe

contentsofmytrunkandlookssatisfied.“Good.You’vegoteverythingyouneed,soyoujustneedthe
practical.”Heproceedstopulloutthetireironandjackandinspectsmyspare.“Yourspareneeds
someair,butwe’lljustpracticetakingyourowntireonandoff.”

Closingthetrunk,hehandsmethetireiron.“You’regoingtowanttoloosenthenutsbefore
yougetifofftheground.Theweightofthecarwillgiveyoubetterresistanceandmakeiteasier.If
youwaituntilafteryouliftit,you’llcausethewholetiretoturnwiththestud.Counterproductive.”He
continuestoexplainbasicprinciples—somethingaboutstrippingthenuts.I’mnotsure.Ionlyhalf
hear,toolostinmyownthoughts.He’shelpingmetotakecareofmyself.Hehasfaithinmyabilityto
takecareofmyself.EvenLilyquestionsmyability.Declan’scompletefaithinmeletsmefeelnormal
forthefirsttimeinquiteawhile.

Whenhestartstalkingaboutplacementofthejack,Isnapoutofitandstartpayingattention
again.Thispartisalwaysthetrickiest,isn’tit?I’mafraidI’lldosomethinglikeintheepisodeofI
LoveLucywhenLucyandEthelhitcharidetoFlorida.Whenthey’redelayedbyaflattireandhaveto
changeit,theyputthejackinthewrongplaceandendupssendingthefuelpumpthroughthehoodof
thecar.Yeah,nothanks.

Fortyminuteslater,I’vesuccessfullytakenoffmytireandputitbackon.Therewasnosmall
amountofstrugglingeither.Ineverrealizedtiresweresoheavy!Ireturnthetoolstotheirstoragein
mytrunkandstepbacktosurveymywork.

Stupidly,knowingwhatIjustaccomplished,myeyesstarttotearupandIstrivetoblinkthem
backbeforehenoticesthem.

Ifailanddecidetogooutinablazeofglory.Iwrapmyarmstightaroundhiswaistandbury
myheadinhischest,lettingmytearssoakhisshirt.Hestandsstiffandfrozeninmyembracefora
fewminutesbeforeherelaxesenoughtorubhishandupanddownmyback.He’stryingtosoothe
me,anditonlymakesmecryharder.Whenmysobssubside,Ifeelhischestbegintoshake.Ilookup
athimtoseewhyhe’shavingaseizure,buthe’snot—he’slaughing.Whenhelooksdowntomeetmy
gazeandIhiccup,hecan’tholditinanymore;hislaughterfloodsoutloudandsteady,hisarms
wrappingtightlyaroundme.Myheartthumpspainfully,partlybecausehe’sholdingmesotightlyand
partlybecauseofhislaugh.Thatsoundisbetterthananymusictome,causingallmynerveendings
totingleinpleasure.Soon,it’scontagiousandIstartlaughingtoo.Ihavenoideawhat’ssofunny,but
Ican’tnotlaugh….

Whenthegigglesfinallyevaporate,Ilookupintohisfacetoseethehappinessshining
throughhiseyes.I’mnotdisappointed.Heleavesonearmanchoredaroundmywaistandsweepsthe
otheruptotangleinmyhair.Idon’tknowwhoorifbothofusmovedatthesametime,butthenext
instanthislipsarecrushedagainstmine,mybodytightenoughagainsthistoformaseal.Ianchormy
handsathisbackashismouthfeastshungrilyonmine.Icanfeelthebeatofhisheart,growingly
increasinglyrabid.Ifeelmybackpressintosomethinghard—mycar,maybe?Idon’tevenremember
movingbackwards.

Hebreaksawayfrommeandcontinuestomovedownmyjawuntilhe’splacinganopen-
mouthedkissagainstthepulsestrainingatmyneck.Itdoesn’treallyhelpmetocatchmybreath,butI
appreciatetheeffort.

Whenhefinallypullsbackenoughtolookintomyeyes,Icanfeeltherumbleinmyheart,
likeavolcanoasitpreparestoandfinallyexplodes.Hiseyesreadofcontentedhappiness.For.Me.I

madehimfeelthatway.HemakesmefeellikeI’mthegrandprize.

Unabletostopmyself,Iblurt,“Iloveyou.”

Hiseyesflarewidewithshock,andinthatminutelapseoftimeIstilldon’tregretit.

No,asfarasI’mconcernedsurpriseisnotanindicatorofrejection.Thenhepullsaway
fromme.That’sstillnotrejection.

Hedoesn’tjuststopatafootofspacebetweenusthough.Hedoesn’tstopuntilthere’seasily
threefeet,maybemore,betweenus.Shovinghishandsintohishair,hestaresattheground,the
muscleinhisjawticking.Helooksstressedout,likehejustgotthenewsthestockmarketcrashed.
No,it’snotbest-casescenario,butmaybeheneedsspacetoabsorbandaccept?

It’stoohardofasellandmyheartabsorbstheimpact.Ihearthetinytelltalecrackcoming
fromsomewhereinmychestasIcalmlytrytobreathethroughit.Hecouldjustbelettingitsinkin,
right?That’sstillnotrejection.

“Youcan’tloveme,”hestatesafterafewminutes.Istaysilent,sohecontinues.“You’rejust
confusedbyorgasms.”Imerelytiltmyheadinresponse.Ishetryingtoconvincemeorhimself?“I
probablydidn’thelp.YoulatchedontomebecauseIdidsomethingniceforyou.”

Ican’tletthatpasswithoutcomment,soIfinallyspeakthroughthelumpwellinginmy
throat.Ineedtodisillusionhimofmyimaginedpathetic-nessbeforeherunswithit.“You’renotthe
firstpersontobenicetome,Declan.IwouldhavefallenforWileylongbeforeyouifthatwasallit
tooktobuymylove.Youwanttomakeexcuses,fine,buttryharder.”

Heshakeshisheadroughly,pacingnow.“Whatdoyouwantmetosay?”

Idon’tknow,butthatwasn’tit.Ishakemyhead,atacompleteloss.

“Ididn’tmakeyouanypromisesforanythingotherthanagoodfuckandmaybealaugh.I
thoughtwewerejusthavingfun,Meg.Justspendingsometimetogether?”

“Wewere,andIdidhavefun.ThenIstartedtofeelmore,”Iwhispersoftly.It’sallIcan
manage.

Hedropshishandsfromhishairandpointshisindexfingeratmeangrily.“Thisisnotmy
fault.Ididnotfuckingleadyouon.”

Nowthat…thatwasrejection.

Istupidlythoughthewaslegitimatelyinterestedinme.Allthosetimeshe’dcometothebar
alone,seeminglyjusttotalktome.Orallthetimehevolunteeredtospendwithme,teachingme.Not
tomentionhowhelistenedandrespondedtomydrama-ladenlife.Likeheactuallycared?Ithought
theyweresigns.Thebeginningsofsomethinggreat.Idon’tevenknowwhereIwentwrong.Couldit
reallyhavebeenonlyaboutgettinghisdickwet?Orhavingalaugh?

Myheartshattersatmyfeet.No,athisfeet.Igaveittohimforsafekeeping,afterall.Buthe
seesmygiftlikeit’sapaperbagfilledwithdogcrapandsetonfire,soofcoursehefelttheneedto
stompitout.

Itakeonemorelonglookathisface.Istudyhisexpression,stillacrossbetweenhorrorand
anger,andIcommitittomemory.You’reworthmorethanthis,Meg.Rememberthis.Andneverletit
happenagain.

Ifeelthesubsequenticewaterfloodthroughmyveins,followedmagnificentlybynumbness.
Ican’tlivewiththepain,butthecoldmakesitbearable,takingsomeofthestingaway.Istepforward
calmlysohecanhear;theeffortitwouldtaketospeakatnormalvolumewoulddetracttoomuch
fromtheenergyI’mfunnelingintonotfallingapart.Iignorehissuspiciousexpressionandsaysoftly,
“Thankyouforallyou’vetaughtme.”

Withthat,Igetinmycaranddriveaway,withnointentionofreturning.

CHAPTER17
MEG

Icallintoworkthenextday,sinceIdon’thavetheenergytoputonahappyface.Ihaven’t
criedyet;there’snouse.Iknewthiscouldbeanoutcome,andItookariskonDeclananyway.Hehad
onlyeverexperiencedlust,whenIhadexperiencedsomethingsomuchmore.Iwon’tbedoingthat
again.Yes,I’vesurvived,butIfeelbrittleenoughtocrack.Somethingtolookforwardto.

I’msittingonthecouchwithGerardButlerinOlympusHasFallen,becausealittledeathand
destructionseemedappropriate.It’snotreallyholdingmyattentionthough.Mymindstillkeeps
wanderingbacktothedebaclethatismylovelife.CouldIhavedoneitdifferently?ShouldInothave
saidanythingatall?Butthenagain,couldIlivewithmyselfifIhadkeptquietabouthowIfelt?I
thoughtweweregoingsomewhere,headedtowardssomethingthatwouldchangemylifeforthe
better,inabigway.Frustratedwithmythoughts,Igripmytemples,tryingtoquietthedoubts
plaguingme.There’snouse.Youknowbetterthananyonethatyoucan’tchangethepast;allyoucan
doisaccept,endure,andmoveon.Shakingawaymyself-interrogation,Igetuptorefillmywine
glass.Nothinglikeacrisp,coldchardonnaytodrownoutmyinnermonologue.

AsI’msittingbackdown,myphonelightsupwithacall.“Hey,Lillian.”

“Hiya,toots!”Atleastoneofusisinagoodmood.“Whatareyouuptothisfineevening?”

Idon’treallyknowwheretostart.“Drinkingwine.WatchingGerardButler.”

“Soundsperfect!Although,mightIsuggestsomeJasonStathamnext?Upforsome
company?”Thisisfollowedbyaknockonthedoor.Naturally,mysuspicionimmediatelytakeshold.
“Lily….”

“Goahead,answerthedoor.I’llwait.”

Iwalktothedoorandlookthroughthepeephole.Sureenough,Ithrowthedooropentomy
blonde-hairedcarboncopyandshethrowsherselfintomeforahug.Isqueezehertight,probably
cuttingoffoxygen,butwhatever.“Lily!I’msogladyou’rehere.Imissedyousomuch!”Ihaven’t
seenherinatleastayear,andyeah,wetalkonthephone,butit’snotnearlyasgoodashavingher
closetomeagain.

“Babe.Need.Air.”

Asmile—notofthebrittlevariety—breaksoutacrossmyface.“Oh,you’llbefine.You’re

alreadyalittlebraindamaged,sothiscan’thurtyouthatmuchmore.”We’rebothlaughingaswe
breakapart.

“Howareyouhere?Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwerecoming?”Shemovesherstufffrom
outsidethefrontdoorsoIcancloseandlockit.Wesitdownonthecouchandgetcomfortable.

“Theusualmethod,youknow,justincase.”She’stalkingabouthowshe‘snuck’outhere.
She’sonlydonethisacoupletimesbefore,butshegottheideawhenhercarhadtogointotheshop
formaintenanceayearorsoafterIhadleft.Shehadtogetarentalcartouseinthemeantime,andshe
realizedwhilefillingoutthepaperworkthatshecouldsayonrecordthatitwasforlocaluseonly,but
shecouldstilluseitoutofstate.Sincethatpoint,sheusestheopportunitytoseeme.Ben,ifhewere
watching,wouldseehercarintheshopandherrentalcarwouldbeoutofstateandthenbackagain
beforeheknewwhatcarhewaslookingfor.Quitebrilliant,inmyopinion.“Iwantedtosurpriseyou.
Thelasttimewetalked,itseemedlikeyoucouldusesomecheeringup.”

Idropmyheadbackagainstthebackofthecouchandclosemyeyes.“Youhavenoidea.”

Ifeelherhandrestonmyshoulder.“Comeon.Catchmeup.”

Ibringmyhandsuptoscrubmyface,tryingtorelievesomeofthetension.Ispendthenext

thirtyminutestellingwhat’shappenedsincewelastspoke,notskimpingonanyofmyuncertainties.
She’salwaysgivenittomestraight.She’lltellmewhatshecangleanfromthisscenario,whathis
runningandplacingblamemeans.

Blame.EverytimeIthinkofwhathesaid,Icanfeelmybloodstarttoboil.Likefallinginloveis

failingtohavefulfilledaresponsibilityandyouhavetoassignfault.Aresponsibilitytowhat?To
remainunloved?Tonotlove?Whothinkslikethat?

WhenIfinishmystory,Igulpdownmywine,becauseIreallyfreakingneedit.Igetupto
refillmyglassandgetoneforher.Ialsoneedafewsecondstotakesomedeepbreaths.I’mangry
now,andIneedtocalmdown.Theangerwon’tdomypieceofmindanygood.Deepbreathin,hold,
deepbreathout.IdothisacoupleoftimesuntilIcanfeelsomeofmymusclesstarttorelax—not
completely,butit’sastart.

Iwalkbacktothelivingroom,placethewineonthecoffeetableinfrontofus,andwaitfor
Lillian’stakeonthisturnofevents.IsiponmywineasIwait.She’sstaring,seeminglyunseeing,at
thewallacrosstheroom.Notatapictureoranything,justthedrywall.Ifocusmyeyesonitfora
minutejustincaseit’sgivinghersomeinsightthatI’vemissedbynotstaringatitinthepast.Irotate
myheadthiswayandthat,tryingtogarnerwisdom,onlysucceedingincrampingmyneck.Nope,
Lillianmustbeadrywallwhisperer.Igobacktowaitingpatientlyandsilentlyforhertofinish
interpreting.

“He’sscared,”shefinallysays,refocusingonme.“He’sscaredofarelationship,offeeling
somethingbeyondthesurface.”

I’mlost.“Idon’tgetit.Whywouldhebescared?”

Sheshrugs.“Ican’tanswerthat.IcanonlytellyouwhatimpressionIgetfromhisreaction.
He’sassigningblame,liketherewillbeconsequences.”Blame.There’sthatwordagain.Deepbreath
in,hold,breatheout.“AllIcansayisthisisnotyourhangup.Youneedtogoonwithyourlife
knowingyoudidwhatyoucouldandweretruetoyourselfandwhatyoufelt.Youcan’tfeelguiltyfor
that.”

Well.Shemayberight.Ifollowedmyheart,muchtomydetriment,butitstilldoesn’tmakeit
anyeasier.“So,whatdoIdonow?WhatcanIdonow?”

“Hello,McFly!Stoptryingtoputthisonyourshoulders.He’sgottocometoyou.Youkeep
goingonwithlife.He’stheonewhohastodecidewhattodo,notyou.”

“Butwhatifhedecidestodonothing?”Ithurtstosay.WhatifhedecidesI’mnotworthit?I
don’tsaythosewords,butthey’rethere,nonetheless.

Sheshakesherheadslowly,“Thenthat’sadecisionthathe’sgoingtohavetolivewith,not
you.Yougoonwithaclearconscienceandhemissesoutonthechanceofalifetime.”

Ismilesadly.Maybe.Butitreallydoesn’thelp.

***

ItoldWileythatLilywasintown,andhecoveredmyshiftsforthenexttwodaysuntilshe

hadtogobacktoschool.Itwasgreathavingherhere.Wewentoutandtriednewrestaurantsandgot
lostintheGalleria.Westayedinandwatchedchickflicksanddranktoomuchwine.Itwastheperfect
waytorelaxandspendtimewithheragain.Wedidn’ttalkanymoreaboutDeclan;itfelttoomuchlike
beatingadeadhorse.

Whenshewaspackinguphercartoheadoutagain,Igotchokedup.Itmaybeanotheryear
beforeIseeheragain.That’swaytoofreakinglong.

“Loveyou,Maggs,”shesays,givingmeahug.

“Loveyoutoo,Lily,”Irespond,holdinghertight.

Shepullsawayfirst.“Don’tforgetwhatIsaid.I’mwiseandshit.”

Ilaughthroughthesadness.“Yeah,yeah.Drivesafe.”

CHAPTER18
MEG

IdotakeLily’swordstoheartthough;thisisnotaproblemwithme,soit’snothingIcanfix.
I’matworkafewweekslaterwhenIseeDeclanforthefirsttimesincetheincident.That’swhatI’ve
beencallingit—‘theincident.’Ihaven’tgonebacktothegym,contenttoletitbehisfaultifIgetfat.I
justhaven’thaditinmetofacehimagainafterthat.MaybeI’llnevergetoverit,ormaybeIjustneed
alittlemoretime,butwhateverthecase,IknowIcan’tdoitnow.

HesitsdownthebarfrommewhileI’mbusyservingothercustomers.Ionlyknowhe’sthere
becauseIcanfeelhisstare.BeforeIcanmakemywaydowntherethough,Wileyspotshimandtakes
aseatnexttohim.Icouldn’tbemoregrateful;Iwasnotlookingforwardtotheone-on-onepost
mortem.WhenIfinallymakemywaytowardsthem,Ipasteaplacid,‘nope,nohurtfeelingshere’
smileonmyfaceandissueastandardgreeting.“Hey,guys,what’llitbe?”

I’mpolitelyignoringDeclan’sbroodingstarethatdoesn’tseemtowanttoleavemeandlooking

onlyatWiley.Safe,comforting,honorarybrotherWiley.Hisfacealreadyhasawidesmileonitashe
turnstome.He’sbeendoingthatalotlately,smiling.Eversincehefoundouthisnewstatusasfather-
to-be,helooksliketheEarthishispersonalHeaven.I’msohappyforhim.Mysmilemorphsinto
somethingmoregenuine.

“Hey,sweetheart.Coupleofbeershere.”

“Yougotit,”andIsetaboutfillingtheirorder,wonderingwhyDeclanisherenow.Isitto
pretendnothinghappened?Justcarryonlikeweusedtoandbefriends?Idon’tknowthatIcando
that.I’vereconciledovernothavinghiminmylifeinasignificantcapacity,buttohavehimina
shallowone?Asurface-deepmockeryoffriendship?Notachance.

WhenIplacetheglassesinfrontofthemandgotowalkaway,Wileylightlygraspsmywrist.
“Hey?Didyouhearme?”

Ilookupfromhishandtohisface.Helooksconfusedandconcerned.“Huh?”Inner

monologues,man.ThesethingsarerenderingmesoobliviousI’mgoingtowalkintoadoor.Again.

“Iaskedifyou’reokay.You’veseemedalittleoutofitlately.”Myeyesquicklyspringto
Declanandback,gaugingtoseeifIcanplaythisoffasbeingsickornot.Hispiercinggazesayshe
canseerightthroughme.Damn.

Iclearmythroat,tryingtobuysometimetocomeupwithsomethingremotelyplausible.
“Yeah,I’mfine.Justalittletired,haven’tbeensleepingwell.IthinkIneedanewmattress.It’sgetting
alittlelumpythesedays.WakesmeupeverytimeIturnover,”Ibabble,barelyrestrainingfrom
smackingmyselfonmyforehead.Clearly,IneededmoretimeifalumpymattresswasthebestI
couldcomeupwith.

Wileybuysitthough,sweet,caringmanthatheis.“Well,whenyoufindanewone,letme
knowandwecangetittoyourapartmentforyou.”Oh,man.Theguiltisgoingtodrownme.“Right,
Declan?Maybewecanputsomeofyourprettymusclestouse,showthey’renotjustforpickingup
chicks.”Helaughsathisowngag.DeclanjustgruntsandIfeeltheiceentermyheartagain.Ihadn’t
eventhoughtaboutthat.Hashebeenwithothergirlssinceme?WhoamIkidding?I’msurehehas.I
obviouslyheldnoclaimoverhim.Iscoffatmyself.StupidMeg.

“Hey,where’syourlogoshirt?”Wileyaskscuriously.

Ilookdown,tryingtorefocusonwhathe’ssaying.Oh,right,Ihaveaplainblacktanktopon

insteadofTheSeventhCirclelogoshirtthatismyuniform.“Idon’tknow.It’sthestrangestthing,I
wenttolookforonethisafternoonandcouldn’tfindone.Asinanyofthem.Dirtyorclean.I’vebeen
tryingtorackmybrainastowhatIdidwiththem.”Ishrug.“Iseemtobedoingthatalotlately.
Misplacingthings.Idon’tknowwhereIputmykeyswhenIgothomeyesterday,soIhadtotakeacab
heretoday.Luckily,CaitlynwasabletodropoffherkeytomyplaceearlierwhenIrealizedtheywere
gone.IthinkI’mgoingsenile.”Igiveahalfsmile.Seriously,that’smybestguess.ThatorI’vebeen
toodistractedmoping.

“Isthereanythingelsethat’sgonemissing?”Declanfinallybreakshissilence.

Myeyesmeethis,butIcan’tholdhisgaze.Idirectmyanswertothedartboardonthefarwall

behindhim.“Yesandno.IkeepleavingthingsinplacesIdon’tnormally,likemycorkscrewwasin
thewrongdrawertheotherdayandIfoundmyrobeintheclosetinsteadofthebathroom.”Itreallyis
thestrangestthing.

“You’resurenoone’sbreakinginandtakingyourthings?”

Ilaugh.“Nothingstaysgonelong.Youthinksomeoneisrearrangingmystuff?”

WileycatchesontoDeclan’sveinofquestioningwhetherherealizestheextentofDeclan’s
knowledgeornot.Hegivesmeameaningfullook.“It’snotsoimpossible.Somepeoplearereal
creepers,Meg.”Hisgazeispointed.

Isoberupandlookatthetwomeninfrontofme,boththinkingidenticalthoughtsbehind
darkexpressions.Iwouldsayit’sBen,buthonestlyI’vedonestufflikethisbefore,andItellthemthat.
“Idon’tthinkthere’sanythingsinisterinthis.ThisisnotthefirsttimeI’vedonesomethinglikethis.
Myshort-termmemoryisn’tthatgreat.Iprobablylefttheshirtsatthelaundromat.Andmykeys,Ilet
myselfintotheapartmentwiththemandthentheywentmissing.It’smuchmorelikelyIgotdistracted
anddidn’tfollowmyroutineofdroppingtheminsidethedoor.Relax,ya’ll,they’llturnup.”Thisis,
ofcourse,directedtoWiley.

“Letmedriveyouhome.”

MyheadspinstoDeclanasWileyslapshishandonthetable.“Perfect.Youcantakehernow.”

MyheadspinsbacktoWiley.Shit,I’mgoingtogetwhiplashatthisrate.

“Ican’tleavenow,Wiley!It’sonlyeleven.”

Hishandreachesforwardtorestonmine.“Youhaven’tbeensleeping.That’syourownwords,

Meg.”Hepointsafingeratmewithhisfreehand,haltingmyargument.Crap.Moreguilt.“It’snot
busytonight.Melaniecanhandleitfromhere.Gohome.”Hegivesmyhandasqueezethenstands
fromthestool.“Makesureshegetshomesafe,”hedirectstoDeclan,whonodsinreturnbefore
Wileywalksoff.

Great.Justfuckinggreat.

IlooktoDeclanandheraiseshiseyebrowsatme.“Ready?”

Ihuff,annoyedathim,Wiley,andthewholesituationreally,butmostlyI’mannoyedat
myself.I’mtheonewhogotmeintothis—or,morespecifically,mymouthdid.Stupidmouth.“Yeah,
givemeaminute.”IgrabmypursefrombehindthebarandletMelanieknowI’mheadedout.She’sa
goodsportandjusttellsmetohaveagoodnight.Godblessunderstandingcoworkers.

WhenIclimbintoDeclan’struck,I’massaultedbygoodmemories.Memoriesthatmakeme
wanttogetthisoverwithassoonaspossible.Ileanmyheadbackandclosemyeyes,hopefully
discouraginganyconversationfromhim.Ihaveafeelinghecameintothebaraloneforareason,
andI’mnotsureIwanttoknowwhatthatis.

“Iwashopingwewouldgetthechancetotalk.”Dammit.MaybeIshouldhavetriedtowrite
‘DoNotDisturb’onmyforeheadinstead.Ilookoutthewindowandbrieflyconsiderjumpingfrom
themovingcar.ButthatwouldputmeinthemiddleofahighwayinthedarkwhenI’mwearingall
black.Ratherthansuccumbingtobeingroadkill,Iheaveasighandacceptmytortuousfateforthe
nextfifteenminutes.

“Oh,yeah?Andwhataboutexactly?”Iask,decidingtoplaydefenseonthis.

Hecomestoastopattheredlightandturnstolookatme.Ican’tdecipherwhathe’stryingto
tellmewiththelook,soIjustcrossmyarmsacrossmychestandwait.Heturnsforwardagainand
rubsthescruffofhisbeardwithonehand.Icontinuetowaitpatiently.Sortof.Myfootstartstapping
silentlyagainstthefloormat,buthecan’tsee.

“Aboutthelasttimewehungout.”

Myfootstopstappingandmymusclesseize.“Whataboutit?”Igritoutfrommylockedjaw.

“Ijust…Ijustwantedtoknowifwecouldbefriendsagain.Webothspendtoomuchtimeat
SeventhCircleandIwantedtocleartheairof…awkwardness.”

Calledit.

Thehollownessinmychestfillswithaslow,simmeringrage.Howdarehe.Hewantsto‘clear

theair’sohedoesn’thavetofeelawkwardathisfavoritehangout?Fuckthat!Thatassholecan
continuetofeelawkward,orbetteryet,avoidmeandmyplaceofemploymentaltogether.Idon’tgivea
flyingmonkeyshitifmyfeelingsforhimmakehimuncomfortable.

Asuddenthoughtgripsme.“Isthisbecauseyouhaven’tbeenabletopickanyoneup?AmI

holdingyoubackonyourplayerstatus?”Istartlaughing,becausewhatelseamIsupposedtodo?

Hepullstothesideoftheroadandkillstheengine,grippingmyforearmashelooksatme

intently.“Meg,shutthefuckup.That’snotit.”Iyankmyarmfromhisgrip.Ican’tbetouchedbyhim
rightnow;IjustknowIwouldcrackmorethanIhavealreadyifIweretoallowhimcontact.“You’re
funny,andagreattimetobearound.Idon’twanttolosethatbecauseyou’re—”

“Becausewhat?BecauseI’minlovewithyou?BecauseIwantmorefromyouthanagood
fuckorafunhour?”

Hethrowshisheadbackagainsttheheadrestandgripshishairinhisfingers.“Willyoujust
fuckingstop?”

“Stopwhat?Ineedsomespecificshere.”I’munhinged,Iknowit,butIcan’tstopnow.He’s
theonewhoforcedthissituation.IwascontenttoavoidhimuntilIfuckingdied,sonowhepaysthe
priceofalltherage,confusion,andhurtIfeelrightnow.Istareathimdirectly,nolongerafraidto
meethisgaze,myfurygivingmecourage.

Heturnstomeagain,hisowntemperflaring,handsslicingthroughtheairinemphasis.
“Stopfuckingdoingthis!Wewerehavingfun—agreatfuckingtime,actually.Ithoughtyouknew
whatitwas.Ithoughtyouknewitwasn’tgoingtoendinaproposal.”

“Oh,getoffyourhighhorse,Declan!Iwasn’texpectingmarriage.Ijustwasn’texpectingthe
fuckingangerthatIgot.Ididn’trealizehowsomeonelovingyoucouldinspirethatbullshitreaction.”

“Ofcourseyoudon’t.Don’tyouunderstandIdidn’tfuckingwantit?”

Inodsadly,myangerfleeingasfastasitcameon.Ifaceawayfromhim,outthefront
windshield,andwatchthelightcycleattheintersectionwhilesharppainsstabatmyheart.“Yeah,
Declan.Igotthat.Loudandclear.”

Hisangertempersitselfatmymoodchange.He’ssoresponsivetomyneedsandfeelings;I
don’tgetwhythisissohardforhim.Ifeelateartrekdownmycheekbutignoreit.Ifonlyhewould
openhimselfuptotheideaofus,oflove.Wecouldbesohappytogether…butthat’sapipedream,
andIneedtostopposing‘ifonly’questions.Theywon’tgetmeanywhere.

Heleansforwardandgripsmyfaceinhishands,forcingmetolookathim.Heuseshis
thumbtowipeawaymystraytear.“Whycan’twejustgoback,Meg?Towhatitwasbeforethatday?
Itwasfuckingfantastic.”

Ialmostpityhim.Almost.“Declan,don’tyougetit?I’vefeltthatwayforalongtimebefore
Itoldyou.Iwasjusthopingthat,bythetimeItoldyou,youwouldfeelthatwayformetoo.”Ishrug
andbringmyhandstogripshiswrists,holdingontohimforwhatIknowwillbethelasttime.“I
can’tgobacktowhenIhadtohidewhatIfeltfromyou.That’snotfairtome,andit’snotfairtoyou.”
Ileanforwardandkisshim,meltingintohimandhisquickresponse,revelinginthefeelingof
perfection.

WhenIleanback,Ipullhishandsfrommyface.“Wedon’tmoveforwardfromthis,Declan.
Thereisnousgoingforward,friendsorotherwise.Wemoveonasstrangerstooneanother.”Istare
intohiseyes,makingsureheabsorbswhatI’msaying,becauseIwon’tletmyselfbeputinthis
positionagain.Ishouldn’thavetodefendmyfeelings,andIdamnsureshouldn’tbeaskedtopretend
theydon’texist.“Ihavetoprotectmyself,andthisisjustthewayithastobe.”

He’sstillstaringatmewhenIfinallyresituatemyselfintheseatandfaceforwardonceagain.
“Pleasetakemehome,Declan.I’mtired.”I’mexhausted.I’vehadmyheartsentthroughameat
grinder,andIjustwanttocrawlintobedandforgetthelastfewmonths.Maybeoneday,I’llbe
gratefulItookthischanceonlove,butIjustdon’tseeithappeninganytimesoon.

Iholdmyselftogetheruntilhepullsupoutsidemyapartment.HewalksmetomydoorandI
can’tevenlookathimasIclosemydoorquietly,lockingitaudibly.Onlythen,whenIsinkdownthe
doorafterIhearhisfootstepsdisappear,doIletmytearsloose.Forthenexthour,IletthedamI’ve
builtuponsheerself-preservationcrumble.Iletmypainoutwitheverygut-wrenchingsob,hoping
thatfinallyreleasingtheholdonmycontrolwillbethecatharticcleansingIsodesperatelyneedin
ordertoheal.

CHAPTER19
MEG

It’sbeenacoupleweekssincetheencounterwithDeclanandI’vegonenumb.Eversincethat
night,Ijustcan’tseemtoshakethedeadenedfeelingthatpermeatesmybeing.Ican’tevenmusterupa
politesmileforwork.Lastnight,Dennispattedmyhandinunderstanding.“It’llbeallright,sugar.
He’llcomearound.”Ijustwalkedaway.Ididn’tevenhavetheenergytoaskhowheknewamanwas
responsiblefordoingthistome.Didn’tcareenough,frankly.

Ihaven’tevenspokentomybestfriendaboutit.I’msureWileytoldAlliethatDeclan
broughtmehome,sosheknowssomethinghappened.Luckily,sheknowsmewellenoughtorealizeI
needthisfunkforrightnow.

Thankfully,Ifoundmykeys—inthesilverwaredrawer,ofallplaces—soIdidn’tneedany
moreunwantedrides.

TonightwhenIgothome,Iwalkedstraighttotheshowerandwaitedforittowarmuponthe
hottestsetting,mylowerbackkillingme.IhadtouseapairofmyoldbootssinceIcouldn’tfindmy
currentoneswiththecushysoleinserts.Ijuststandthere,waitingforthehotwatertobringfeeling
backtomybody.Ifinallycutthewaterwhenitstartstocooloff,grabbingthetowelandwrappingit
aroundmyself.WhenIopenthedoortothehallway,Ifreezeandmyskinpricklessobaditstartsto
itch.There’slowmusiccomingfromthelivingroom.NowIknowI’vebeenforgetfullately,butIam
damnsureIdidnotstoptoeventurnonalightswitchonmywaytothebathroomfromthefrontdoor
tonight.Thelongstandingnumbnessdrainsfrommybody,replacedbyalertness;everybeatofmy
heartsoundsloudandcleartomyearsinthemutedroom.

Myheartskipsabeat.There’ssomethingnotrighthere.Ifeelitinmymarrow.Mygaze
snapstothecornerofmybedroomwheremyperipheralcaughtmovementamongtheshadows.The
voiceIhearnexthasmesicktomystomach.

“Maggie.I’msogladyou’rehome.”

CHAPTER20
MEG

No,no,no,no,no,please,no.Don’tletitbehim.

It’sobviousmyprayersgounansweredwhenBenstepsforwardintothelightcastfromthe
livingroom.

“B-B-Ben.”Itakeasteadyingbreath.Panicwon’tgetmeanywherewithhim.Hehasnoheart
andwon’tbemovedbyfear—ifanything,it’llfeedhim.Iclearmythroatandsteelmyself.“Ben,”I
say,moreclearlythistime.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

Hecocksaneyebrowatmeandlooksdownrightamused.“Funnyyoushouldsaythatbecause
Iwasgoingtoaskyouthesamething.”Hetakesastepforward,andItakeanequalonebackwithout
evenmeaningto.Hegrinsevilly.Heknowshe’sgotme.

Idon’tknowwhatI’msupposedtodointhissituation.IknowthetextbookssayIshouldplay
intohisdelusionandpretendI’mhappyhe’shere,thathe’slesslikelytohurtmeifhethinkshis
feelingsarereturned.Ontheotherhand,Idon’tknowthathe’ssufferingfromadelusion.Idon’thave
adegreeinpsychologyoranything,butyouusedtobeabletoseeitonhisface.Benusedtoderive
realpleasurefromhisemotionaltorture.Evennow,myfearissothickhecanprobablysmellthe
adrenalinerushingthroughmysystem,andhe’spleasedbyit.Thesmileonhisfacewouldgivethe
jokerarunforhismoney.He’sasociopathwithafixation.

IdebateforasecondlongerbeforeIdecidetogowithoptionone,iffornootherreasonthan
hewon’texpectit.Icancatchhimoffguardthesamewayhedidme.Takinganotherdeepbreath,I
wrapmytoweltighterandstartonmyplanofattack.

“Iwashopingyouwouldturnupsoonerratherthanlater,Ben.I’vemissedyou.”Mylips
curveintoasmallsmile.

Hisbrowsscrunchveryslightly,butIseeit.Ichosecorrectly.“Isthatright?Isthatwhyyou
movedtoadifferentstate?Becauseyoumissedme?Isthatwhyyouwerefuckingthatjarhead?
Becauseyoumissedme?Isthatwhyyouchangedyourname?Becauseyoumissedme?”Hisvoice
riseswitheveryquestion.

Howdoeshe…?Arealizationstrikeshardandfast.Iam.Such.An.Idiot.“It’sbeenyou
movingmythings,hasn’tit?”Suchafreakingidiot.DeclanandWileytriedtotellme,andstillI
brusheditoff.WhydidInottakeitseriously?

Hisevilsmileturnsgenuineanditreallyisashamehe’sbatshitcrazybecauseheisa
handsomeguy.Whatawaste.“Ofcourseitwas.Itwasfunatfirst,watchingyouexplainitawayto
yourself,watchingitdriveyoujustalittlebitcrazy.”Heshakeshishead.“Butthenitjustgottobe
pathetic.Comeon,Meg.Ithoughtyouweresmarterthanthat.”Metoo.Dammit.

Itrytocalmmyracingheart,knowingIneedtoregaincontrolofthissituation.Heis
obviouslywellversedinmynewlife,butIjustdon’tknowhowhefoundme.“Whatareyoudoing
herenow,Ben?”

Hegesturesthroughthebedroomdoorintothelivingarea.“Imadeyoudinner,Maggie.I
thoughtwecouldcatchup.”HelookssogenuineIalmostwanttolookaroundandseewhereevilBen
went.“Comeon,Maggie.Thesteakwillgetcold.”Hegesturestothedoorwayandintothelightofthe
livingroom,waitingformetowalkthroughfirst.

Ihesitateasecond,drawingcouragefromalltheclassesI’vetakenthroughtheyears,
especiallyDeclan’smorerecentones.Iknowwhattodotheminutehegetscloseenough;Ijustneed
torelaxandletmusclememorytakeover.Ionlyneedtofightbacklongenoughfor—

Forwhat?Ialmostlosemycoolagain.What’sgoingtohappenifIcan’trenderhim
unconscious?Ilivealone.I’veshuteveryoneoutthepasttwoweeks,andthey’regivingmethespaceI
sodesperatelyneededsoIcouldwallow.Ialmostlaughoutloud.Myfeelingsforonemangotme
intothissituation,andmyfeelingsforanotheraregoingtogetmekilled.

Ishakeoffmythoughtsasquicklyastheycome.Thetimeforself-pityisover,Meg.Iamnota
damselindistress,andthereisnowhiteknightwaitingtorescueme.I’mallI’vegot,andthat’sgoing
tohavetobeenough.

Iwalkforwardtowardsthefour-seatertable,carefultokeepBeninmysight.Idon’ttrust
him.I’veinsultedhispridebyrunningawayandI’vekeptmyself,theobjectofhisobsession,atan
unattainabledistance.I’mnotwillingtotakeonfaiththathewon’tmakemepayforitwithmy
physicalwell-being.

“Howdidyoufindme,Ben?”

Hestepscloseinfrontofmeandpushesmywethairoffmyfacealmosttenderly.“Well,you
didn’tmakeiteasy,whatwithchangingyourhairandyourname.”Hetugsatastrandmoreharshly,
clenchinghisjaw.“Icertainlydidn’texpectyoutobeactinglikeawhorewhenIfoundyou,crying
oversomeothermanwhowasn’tme,Maggie.”Icanfeeltherageseethingfromhim,butItakemy
chancesandpresshimanyway.Ihavetoknow.

“Howdidyoufindme,Ben?”HedipshisheadclosetomineandIwillmyhearttoslowits
pace,sureBencanheareveryrushedbeat.

“Ifollowedyoursister.”Hesmilesagain,switchingbacktogenuine.“Tellme,Maggie.How
stupiddoyouthinkIamthatIwouldn’tfigureoutherscheme?Tsk,tsk.Youreallyshouldhavemore
respectformyabilities.Theyrecordthemileagefromthecaronceit’sreturned,Maggie.OnceI
knewhowandwhen,Ijusthadtowaitforhertodoitagainandfollowher.”

“Shesaidyouweredatingsomeonenew,Ben.Someoneelse.”

Hechucklesandstepsback.“Ah,yes.Yes,Iam.Andwhatahappycoincidenceshefoundout.

NowIdon’thavetogointoalengthyexplanationastowhy.”

Itrytopullbackfromhishold,buthewon’tletme.Myheartdipsintomystomach.“Why
what,Ben?”

“Whyyouhavetogo,ofcourse,”hewhispersintomyear.“Yousee,mynewgirlwouldget
awfullyjealousifsheknewshewasn’ttheonlyoneinmyaffections,andwhileItriedtoforgetyou,it
justdoesn’tseemtoworkthatway.”Hepullsbackslightlyandsays,almostconversationally,“Ithink
Imighthavetokillyou,Maggie.I’vedonealotofsoulsearching,andIthinkit’sthecleanestwayto
cutyoufrommylife.”

Itrytoswallowpastmysuddenlydrythroat.“Andwhataboutwhenyougetputawayfor
murder,Ben?Whatwillyournewgirldothen?”

“Andwho’sgoingtoknow,Maggie?HowamIsupposedtoknowyou’rehere,whenyou’ve
leftverylittletrailandevenchangedyourname?Byallaccounts,I’mstillsittingastateaway,waiting
foryoutocomehometome.Besides,”hecontinueswithareprimandingtone,“thisreallyisn’tthe

bestneighborhoodforayoung,singlefemale.Youshouldhavethoughttwicebeforerentinghere.”

Oh,shit.He’sserious.

We’rebothcaughtoffguardwhenmyphonestartstoring.Mypulsepounds.Whoeverthatis,
pleaseletthembeontheirwayhere.Iusethebriefdistractiontomybenefitandquicklyaimmyknee
intoBen’scrotch.Hecatchesitcomingahalfsecondbeforeit’stoolate,rotatinghisbodytocatch
mykneewithhisthigh.Idon’twastetimethough,andtrytogetanuppercutintohischin,butitbarely
clipshim.Goddammit!

Hegrowlsinfrustration.“Now,Maggie,”headmonisheswhenIimmediatelyfollowitwitha
cleanpunchthatlandsonhischeek.BeforeIcanpullitback,hehasmyforearminadeathgrip.
WhenIbringmyotherarmuptogetinanotherpunch,heblocksitandgrabsthatforearmaswell.He
pushesmebackandIlandonthesettable,pinnedbymyforearms.Istruggleagainsthim,refusingto
gooutthisway.“Itreallycouldbemucheasierifyoujustacceptedyourfate.”

IhearDeclan’svoiceinmyheadtellingmethatnofightisoveruntilIsayitis.Idetermine
whetherit’sworththesacrificeoftappingoutornot.Hespursmeon,withasecondwind.It’snot
overuntilIsayitis.

Ispitinhiseye.“Yeah,right,motherfucker.Youarenotgoingtobetheonetodeterminemy
fate.”I’vehadyearsofhidingintheshadowsfromhim,myangerandfearbuildingup,almost
needingthisfighttoexpungehimfrommysystem.Itakeadvantageofthepositionandgotojabmy
kneeintohiscrotchagain—thistime,itlands.HisgriponmyforearmsloosensenoughthatIcanpull
fromhisholdandIstartraininghammerfistsdownonhishead,hopingtoknockhimout.

Heletsoutanunnaturalgrowlandcatchesonearmabovemyhead,usingtheothertoputmy

neckinachokehold.“Iamtheonlyonewhocandoit.You’remine!”heroars.

Oneofmyarmsisstillattemptingtofighthimoff,butit’snotenough.Mylipsstarttotingle
andI’mgettingdizzy.Dimly,Ihearmyphoneringagain.AtleastI’llgooutlisteningtoOzzy
Osbourne.Istoptryingtohithimandinsteadtrytodislodgehisgripfrommyneck,diggingmynails
intohisfingersuntilIfeelthestickywarmthofblood.WhenIrepositionmyhandtopullfrom
anotherangle,Ifeelthesilverwarehesetoutearlier.Aknife.Idon’teventhinktwice;Idon’thavethe
time,myvisionstartingtodevelopblackspots.Imoveasquicklyasmyoxygen-deprivedbodycan
andplungetheknifeintohisstomachbeforehecanmovetoblockit.Hestaggersback,releasingme
completelyfromhisgrip.Iquicklyrisefromthetable,notwantingtoremaininsuchaproneposition
evenifheisbleedingout.Icarefullybringinalungfulofairthroughmytenderairpassage,willing
mymindtostayconsciousastheoxygenatedbloodrushesbackthroughmyhead.

“Youwhore!Whathaveyoudone?”hegasps.

Andthat’sit.Hesendsmeovertheedgewiththosewords.Isnarlinwarning,becauseit’sthe
onlynoiseIcangetout.IwalkuptohimandsendmyfootsohardintohisballsI’msurethey’reno
longerdescended.It’stimeforhimtogodown.I’mdonewiththis.Hecollapsesontohiskneesand
howlsinpain.I’mnotsureifit’sfromthekickortheknife,andIdon’tfuckingcare.Igetcloserand
givehimtwosolidpunchesagainsthistemples…Okay,maybetherewasathird,buthedeservedit.I
stepbackandwatchcalmlyashefallsback,unconscious.

Iwalkovertomyphone,ignoringmymissedcallsandmessages,anddial911.Ican’tspeak,
soIwaitafewsecondsaftertheyanswerandhangup,knowingsomeonewillcomeregardless.

Pickingupmytowelthatwasdislodgedatsomepointduringthestruggle,Iwrapitaround

myselfagainandIcalmlywatchBenbleedoutonmyfloor.WhenIopenthedoorexactlyeight
minuteslatertothepolice,Ifaintdeadaway.

CHAPTER21
MEG

I’mdreamingofdancingpumpkinswhenI’mawokenbydistantvoices.Iwanttotellthe
voicestogoaway,thatthey’redisruptingmyfun,butIcan’t.Itrytomakemythroatwork,butit
refuses.FallingbackonplanB,Itrytoopenmyeyes,buttheywon’tlisteneither.Thevoicesget
louder,closer.“Haven’tyoudoneenoughalready?”

“No.Ihaven’tdonenearlyenoughyet.Iwon’tleavehereuntilshetellsmeto.”

Istruggletofigureoutwhat’sgoingonwhenIfallunconsciousagain.

***

Abeepingnoisewakesmeup,persistentandhigh-pitchedandannoying.Iopenmyeyesand
trytofigureoutwhatthatfreakingnoiseiswhenI’massaultedbystrangesurroundings.Iattemptto
turnmyheadtoinvestigatefurther,butithurtstoobadly.Astrangledwhineistheonlysoundthat
manifestsfrommysurprisedyellofpain.Thebeepingnoisegetslouderandfaster,andIjustwantit
tostop.

Ayoungwomaninbluescrubswalksintomyperipheral.“Hellothere,sunshine.Gladtosee
you’refinallyawake.”Mybrowsfurrow.Atmyconfusion,shecontinuesinalowvoice,“You’reat
MemorialHospital.Anambulancebroughtyouinhereacoupledaysago,doyouremember?”

Oh.No.Idon’tremembertheambulance,butIdorememberwhatprecededit.Shesmiles
sadlyinunderstandingatmytorturedexpression,nodding.“Yourneckisgoingtobesoreforafew
weeks,nodoubt,buttheredoesn’tseemtohavebeenanypermanentdamage.I’llgiveyoua
whiteboardtousewhileyou’rehere.”Readingthequestioninmyeyes,sheanswers,“Nowthat
you’reawake,you’llonlybehereanotherdayforobservation,andthenyou’llbefreetogo.”

Idon’tbothernodding.IwishIhadthatwhiteboardnowthough;IwanttoknowifBenis
aliveornot.ThenursefusseswithmyIVforaminutethensays,“Getsomerest,honey.Themore
restyouget,thefasteryou’llheal.”Withthat,shewalksout.

Mybodyisapparentlyonparwiththenurse’sorders,becauseIdon’trememberanything
afterthatuntilIhearatoiletflushandwaterrunning.Ipeelmyeyesopentofollowthesource,and
seeDeclanwalkoutofthebathroominmyperipheral.Whatishedoinghere?Wherethefuckismy
whiteboard?

Declanturnstoseemeawakeandconfused,andhewalksovertomewithasmallsmile.
“Hey,Meg.Howareyoufeeling?”LikeI’vebeenchoked.Ijustraisemyeyebrowsathim.Ireally
don’tthinkitrequirescomment.

Hecatchesonandsmilessheepishly.Whatthehell?Declanissheepishaboutnothing.“Right.

Well,I…”Hestopsandclearshisthroat.“Iwantedtotalktoyou.Iwantedtoapologize.”Apologize?

Hesitsintheseatnexttomybedandholdsontooneofmyhands,staringatitintently.“It’smy

faultyouwereattacked.It’smyfaultyouweren’tprotected.IknewweirdshitwashappeningandIhad
mysuspicions,ButIwassocaughtupinourrelationshipthatIneverthoughttopullmyheadoutof
myassandconsiderpastmyownneedstoyoursafety.”Hefinallybringshiseyestomine,themoss-
greenorbsglazedwithhisunshedtears.

He’scrazytothinkthiswashisfault.Iwastheoneignoringthesigns.Whereismy
whiteboard?Thesewordsaredoingnogoodstayinginmyhead.Iliftthehandheisn’tholdingand

startwritingonair,hopinghe’llgettheidea.Hedoes,grabbingtheboardandmarkerthatwerelying
onasidetable.Thenursemust’vebroughtitduringthenight.

Regrettably,IhavetoliftmyotherhandfromunderhissoIcanwrite.“Bullshit.Ididitto

myself.Ignoredthesigns.”

Hereadsandshakeshishead,lookingbacktome.“Thefuckitis.Ishouldhavebeenthereto
protectyou.”

“Lifeisn’tlikemovies,remember?Youhelpedprepareme.Iusedwhatyoutaught. ☺ ”

Hehuffsoutalaugh.“No,Meg.Don’tyousee?”Hisgazesearchesmine,imploringly.

“Seewhat?”

“Ishouldhavebeenthere.IfIhadn’tbeenindenialforweeksonend,youandIwouldhave
beentogether.Icouldhavepreventedthis.”

“Beentogether?”

“Yeah,baby.Ifuckingloveyou.I’velovedyousincethefirsttimeImetyou.Isawyour
smilelightuptheroomandIwasaselfish-enoughbastardtowanttokeepitformyself.”I’mstunned.
Myhand/voicestayslimplyatmyside,sohecontinues.“Youaskedmeaquestiononce,‘whynow?’
andIdidn’tanswer,right?”Igiveatinynod.“Itwasn’tthatI’djustnoticedyou,Meg.Iknewexactly
whoyouwere,andwhatyouwouldmeantomeifIletithappen.Whenyoustartedtoactivelypursue
me,Idecidednottoholdbackanymore.Ifyouwereready,Iwasready.”Hehuffsaself-deprecating
laugh.“That’swhatIthought,anyway.Whenyoutoldmeyoulovedme,Ifreakedthefuckout.”

Thiswarrantscomment.“Obviously,”Iwrite.

Henodsinagreement.“Youwereitforme,Meg,andIknewit.Atthelastsecond,atthe
momentitcounted,Ihesitated.”

“Andyou’renothesitatingnow?BecauseIalmostgotkilled?”Iaskoutofgenuinecuriosity,
notsureifIlikethatbeinghisonlymotivation.

“Itriedtocallyou,Meg.Thatnight.Ithoughtyouwereignoringme,soIwenttoyourplace
toforceyoutolistenandIdroveuponascenethatgavemeafuckingheartattack.”Ivaguely
rememberhearingmyphoneringduringthestruggleandrealizeitmusthavebeenhim.“Youwere
unresponsiveinsomecop’sarms.Therewereambulancesandafuckingfiretruck.Emergency
responsepeopleswarmingthewholegoddamnplace.”

Wow.Thatsoundsexcessive,consideringbothparticipantswereoutcold.Speakingof
which…“Where’sBen?”

Helooksdownrightproud.“Hebledout,Meg.”

“Really?”I’malmostshakingwithrelief,butIneedreassurance.

“Yougothiminthestomachandthatguywasonafuck-tonofmedication,notthatitdidhim
anygood.Thedoctorsaidonehadasideeffectofbeingabloodthinner.You’llneverhavetoworry
abouthimagain,Meg.”

Oh,myGod.Thosewordsshouldcausemetofeelguilt,butIdon’t.Ican’t.I’mso
overwhelmedwiththefreedom,theweightliftingfrommyshoulders.Icanbemeagain.

Declan’simagestartstoswimasmyeyesfillwithtears.Heleansforwardbrieflyandkissesmy

cheeklightly.“I’msoproudofyou,Meg.”

Iwipethetearsawaytoclearupmyvision.“Iheardyourvoice.Tellingmenottogiveup.”

Heleansforwardagain.“Meg.Please,forgiveme.Iwasscared.Iwasscaredtotaketheleap.
You’reitforme,Meg.Youalwayshavebeen.I’msorryIpushedyouaway.”Tearsstreamdownhis
face.

Despitehisbeinganassholetome,Iknowwhathe’ssayingistrue.Icanseeitinhiseyes,
earnestandvulnerable.Andhefinallyansweredmyquestion.

WhenIpullbackoutofhishands,hispreviouslyhopefulfacefalls.

“Ithoughtthesamething.”

Heturnshisconfusedfacetomine.“Aboutwhat?”

“WhenIfirstsawyou,”Iwrite.WhenIseehe’sreadthat,Iwipeitawayandcontinue.“Isaw
yousmileforthefirsttime.Iwantedtobethereasonyoudidthat.”Ierasethatafterhe’sreadit.
“ThenIheardyoulaugh.Iwantedthatsoundtokeepmewarmatnight.ItwaslikenothingI’dever
heardbefore,andIknewitwasoneofakind.”

I’vewatchedhisfacetransformeversinceIpulledawayfromhishands.Firstfromsad,to
afraidasIstartedtowrite,toamusementasImentionhissmileandoursharedthought,andloveasI
writeabouthislaugh.

Iplacetheboardandmarkerdownonmylapandgriphisfaceinmyhands.Hebreathesout,
“Iloveyou,Meg.Willyouletmeloveyou?”

Ismileandpullhisfacetomineinanswer,kissinghim.Whenhemovesback,he’ssportinga
shit-eatinggrin.“Thankfuck.Although,youknowI’dhaveneverletyougo,nomatterwhatyou
said.”

Irollmyeyesplayfullyathimthenpickuptheboardandmarkeragain.“So,thisisit?Icanuse

myownnameandcreditcardsagain?”

“Yeah,baby.Nomorelookingoveryourshoulder.”

AthoughtoccurstomeandIwrite,“Lily?Ineedtocallher!”Ineedtotellherwhathappened!

Ortext,orsomething.

Hereadsmypanicandlaughs,“She’sonherway.Icalledherthemorningafteryougothere,

gotheraplaneticket.”Helooksathiswatch.“Allieshouldbeherewithhersoon,onlylefttogether
fromtheairport.”

Oh,shit,Allie!ShemusthavebeenshockedtolearneverythingI’vebeenkeepingfromher.I
cringe.Shemusthateme.Ididn’tmeantolietoher;Ijustdidn’twanthertoworry.Declanpicksup
onmyanxiety.“Don’tworry.She’syourbestfriendandshelovesyou.WileyandIsatherdownwhen
shegotheretoexplainwhatwasgoingon.Shewasmoreafraidforyourhealththanangryathowshe
didn’tknow.”

Iclosemyeyes.Ihopehe’sright.Icouldn’tlivewithmyselfifshehatedme.

Fromthedoorway,Ihear,“Oh,I’mangry,allright.”MyeyesflytoAllieasshewalks
towardsme,carefulnottomovemyhead.Shestopsbymybedside,notlookingangryatall.“ButI
understand.Can’tmaintainasecretidentityifit’snotsecret.”

Ismilegratefullyatheracceptanceandsheleansdowntokissmycheek.Shestraightensand

putsherhandsonherhip,herexpressionturningseriousagain.“Whenyou’rebetter,Iwillhaveto
kickyourassinpunishment.Justknowthat.”

Abreathysnorterupts,theonlyevidenceofalaugh,soIwriteonmyboard,“Iunderstand.”

Athernod,IrememberwhereshecamefromandIsearchbehindAllie,lookingforLily.
WhenIdon’tseeher,Istarttowrite,“Where’s—”ButI’minterruptedbyagasp.Ilookupagain.

Theresheis,walkingtowardsmefromthedoorway,handscoveringhermouthinhorroras
tearsfallfromhereyes.Ismile,sohappytoseeher.IimmediatelyerasewhatIwasgoingtowrite
andstartagain.“Hey,now!Iamfuckingbeautiful!Don’tlooksohorrified.”Tryingtolightenthe
mood.Itsortofworks.

AlliesmilesandDeclanlaughsandleansdowntokissme,whispering,“Yes,youare.”

AlliestepsbackfrommysidetoletLilygetclosetome.Sheholdsmylefthandinbothof
hers.“It’smyfault,Meg.Ileadhimstraighttoyou,didn’tI?”

Oh,forfuck’ssake.Iusemyrighthandtowriteontheboard.It’sawkwardwithitlyingon
mylap,butIdon’twanttoletgoofLily.“Willyoupeoplestopblamingyourselves?”

“Youpeople?”shequestions.ButhergazefindsDeclan’sinanswer.

Ierasetomakespaceandwriteout,“Noneofyouwalkedintomyhomewiththeintentionof
killingme.”IglareatLily,thenatDeclaninequalmeasures.Ierasetheboardandwriteout,“The
onlypersonwhoholdsblameinthisisBen.”

Lilyleansdownandgivesmeatighthug.I’mnotsureshebelievesmeyet,butshewillin
time.“I’msogladit’sovernow.”

Inodslightlyagainstherhairandgriphertighter.“Metoo,”Imanagetowhisper.

I’msoluckytohavethepeopleinmylifethatIdo.Theloveandunderstandingfrom
everyoneisoverwhelming.

IcansayIhavewalkedthroughfireandcomeoutontheothersidestronger.Noteveryoneis
luckyenoughtolayclaimtothat.

Ilovedthisstory,itflowsreallysmoothly.Theinteractionbetweenmostofthecharactersisgood
(notBen).ElectricityflewoffthepagesfromMegandDeclan.Steamyhotelectricity.Lol

Iwouldhavelovedthistobealongerstory.AchaptertellingofwhenAllietoldWileyshewas
pregnantwouldbegood.Includingabitaboutthemtellingeveryoneifthepregnancy.