FLIGHTPATH

AmberAddison

Dedication:

Tomyminime,thereasonforeverythingthatIdo.Mylittleco-pilot.

DearReaders,
Welcome to the Titan World books with stories ranging from military romance to paranormal to

contemporaryromance.There’ssomethingforeveryone—action-packedromance,heart-tuggingmoments,
andhappilyeverafter!

When I started the Titan series, I wanted to combine my love of steamy romance and action-packed

suspense. I wrote strong men and women who I hoped readers would fall in love with. I can’t think of
anythingmoreexcitingthanopeningmyworlduptoverytalentedauthorstoextendthatexperiencesothat
you,thereader,canhaveadeeperconnectiontomorethanonebookseriesatatime.

You will meet new characters and see them interact with familiar ones; you will also see the

interpretationoftheTitanuniversethroughanotherauthor’seyes.Ihopeyouexperienceeachbookinthe
TitanWorldseries!

Now I’m happy to introduce you to Amber Addison’s Flightpath, a heart-tugging contemporary

romancesetintheTitanWorldwithaswoon-worthymilitaryhero.ThisisMs.Addison’sdebutnovel,
butshe’safamiliarfacetothoseintheTeamTitanreadergroupandissomeoneI’vecometorelyonfor
allthings#TitanStrong.Congratulationsoneverythingyouhaveaccomplished.

ThankyoutoAmberandalltheauthorswhotooktimeoutoftheirbusywritingschedulestoparticipate

inthisproject.Ithinktheresultissomethingtrulyspecialforourreaders.

TitanHugsandHappyReading,
CristinHarber

Seth

I’vebeenonalongflightpath-withoneofthebestcopilotsIcouldeveraskfor.We’vehitsomerough

air and it’s time for me to step up and make shit right. It’s been a long time coming, but I finally know
whatIneedtodo.I’msoantsytogetoffthisfuckingplane.

Sittinginthisjet,waitingonthishotasstarmac,mightjustbethedeathofme.I’vebeentowar,butthis

mightbethethingthatendsme.I’mabouttojumpoutofmyskintogettomygirls.IneedtotellMaddie
somuch.There’ssomanythingswe’veleftunsaid,andargumentsnotwon,thatseemsotrivialanddumb.
I’vemadeupmymindandIknowwhatI’mgoingtodo,sonowwaitingisgoingtokillme.Themedia
willsay“Warveterandiesfromheartattackawaitingjettoopenit’sfuckingdoors.Sourcessayhehad
bignewsforhisfamily.”

Pickingatmyfingertips,Iimpatientlywaitfortherestofmylife.

BEFORE

Maddie

Ithoughtweweretherealdeal.Thatkindoflovethatyouonlyreadaboutinbooksorthekindoflove

youonlyseeinmovies.Easy.Beautiful.Love.Maybewewere.I’mnotreallysurewhenitchanged,but
we married young. We were babies, only nineteen years old. No solid jobs. College for me, random
constructionjobsforSeth.ButWe.Were.In.Love.InLouisiana,marryingyoungreallywasn’tthatweird
—thoughknowingwhatIknownow,I’dneveradvisemybeautifuldaughtertomarrysoyoung.I’dtellher
totakehertime.Doesn’tmeanIregretthebumpyroadI’vetraveleddownwithSeth.He’snotonlythe
mostbeautifulmanI’veeverseeninmylife,butheisandalwayshasbeenthemostloyalmanI’veever
met,andhe’sdefinitelythebestkisser,likeever.

Seth’sbodyframe,standingoversixfeettall,toweredovermynot-so-shortfivefootseveninches.His

darkhair,usuallymessy,andthelittlebitofscruffhe’dgrownoutofsheerlazinessdrovemewild.His
darkgreeneyescould(andstillcan)pullmeinquickerthanarisingtide.Heneverworkedoutunlesshe
wasplayingbaseball,buthehadthisperfectVinhishipsthatledmestraighttopartsofhisbodyonlyI
got to see and touch. On top of how out of my league I always thought he was, Seth was smart. Kind.
Romantic.Thoughtful.Inshort,therewasneveranydoubtinmymindthatSethwasmadeforme.Ijust
doubtedIwasmadeforhim.

SethjoinedtheAirForceshortlyafterwegotmarried.Hedidn’taskmehowIfeltaboutit.Hejustdid

it.Iwasn’tmad—thoughlookingback,Iprobablyshould’vebeen.Iwould’velikedtohavehadasayin
whetherornotheputhislifeonthelinejustsowecouldhaveahouse.But,hewastryingtoprovidefor
thisnewfamilywe’dsocrazilystartedtobuildatsuchayoungage.Ikepttryingtoremindmyselfthisis
howwediditinourfamilies.So,Iwasn’tmad.Iwasproud.IwashonoredthemanIlovedwouldput
hislifeonthelineforalargenumberofpeoplewho’dspitonhimbehindhisbackandsmiletohisface,
orworse.

It was a seemingly easy answer to our financial problems too. We were finally going to be able to

moveoutofmymom’stinybasement.Problem?Hehadtoleaveforbootcamp.Now,Iknowhowpitiful
itsoundswhenIsayIcriedfordaysafterheleft.ButIcriedfordays.Thefewphonecallswegotwere
brief, but fuck it all if they didn’t make my heart swell. When I saw him again nine weeks later at his
basictraininggraduation,helookedlikeadifferentperson.Imean,hewasstillmySeth.Buthehadlost
weightandgainedmuscle,andhishairwasallfuzzyandshaveddown.Butwhenhesmiled?Myheart.I
thinkitexploded,andIbecametheproudestmilitarywifealive.Whenheranuptomeandpickedmeup
inahug,thetearsstartedandIreallydidn’tmindthelastseveralweeksofheartache.Becausethiswas
thebestdrugtocureheartache.Thisreunion.Ifinallyunderstoodhowmyfriendswithmilitaryhusbands
felt.Thisbondwasintense.

HehadelevenweeksafterbasictrainingtodohisAirForcePararescuetraining.Iwasabletovisit

pretty often, and it gave me time to decide what to do about school, because inevitably, I was going to
havetomove.WhenSethdecidedtosethismindonbecominga“PJ”—aPararescueman—weknewthe
roadwouldbetough.BecomingaPJwasn’teasy,andtherewasalengthytrainingtime.Theycalledthe
variousplacesyou“lived”andtrainedatthedifferentschools“ThePipeline.”I’dhavetogiveittothem.
It’sanaccuratedescription,becauseheendedupbeingbouncedaroundfromtrainingoperationtotraining
operation.

DuringthoseelevenweekshewasinformedhewouldbebasedinTexas,mostly,exceptforoneortwo

traveling schools that might be kind of lengthy. I was gutted. How was I ever going to get used to him
beinggoneformonthsonend?Idecidedtoputschoolonhold.Iwouldgraduate;therewasnodoubt.But

Ineededtobewithmyhusband.WhenImarriedhim,Imarriedhimforbetterorforworse.Thistraining
wasintenseandittookalotoutofhim,butitalsomadehimsmilethemostsoul-reachingsmileevery
singletimehegotmovedontothenextstageofPJtraining.

ItemporarilymovedtoTexasjustbeforeheleftforBasicSurvivalTrainingandthen,shortlyafterthat,

Army Airborne School. Three weeks each of missing him. It seemed like every time I saw him after
training,hehadchanged.Hehadgottenstronger.Hewasmoremuscular.Hekeptthathandsomefaceof
hisprettyscruff-free,unlesshewasoff-dutyforafewdays,andthenheletitgrow.Ilovedthewayhis
scrufffeltwhenhenuzzledhisnoseintomyneck.Ilovedthewayhisbreathhitchedashemovedhishand
upmythighwhilehewaswhisperingsomethingdirtyinmyear.Hehadgame,butnottogettonsofgirls.I
washisgame,andIlovedit.

Thetime away fromhim actually passedincredibly fast because hehad time tochat when he wasn’t

dead tired or studying and I wasn’t writing some random blog post for extra cash. We didn’t need the
extra money. I lived in military housing, alone, and his pay plenty covered my food and all the things I
didn’tdo.Ireallydidn’thaveaninterestingettingoutandcouldfeelmyselffallingdownthat“woeis
me”rabbithole.ItworriedmymomandSeth.Itriedtokeepbusywithbingewatchingmilitarydramaand
medical drama TV shows and writing. I really got into decorating our new place to make it feel like
home.

Mysistercametovisitwhenshewasableto.Shewasinnursingschoolandittookupmostofherfree

time, so I loved when she could come stay for a weekend. My best friend Katie came to visit very
frequently,asherjoballowedhertotravel,andIwassothankfulforthevisits.Itreallyhelpedmypsyche
tobearoundpeoplewholovedme,anditmadethedaysgobyquickly.BeforeIknewit,hewashome
again.Whenhewashome,allthosethoughtsoffeelinglikeIwasbeingbroughtdownwerewipedaway.
Hehadawayofmakingmefeelsafe,capable,andstrong.Texaswasn’tsobadafterall.IfeltlikeIcould
maybeevengetusedtoit.Wedidn’tstaytherelong,though.

Seth

I was married to the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. I had been with her since high

school,andI’dgottenalotofgrieffrommysinglefriendsabouthowshewastheonlygirlI’deverbe
with—thatI’deverbeenwith.Igavezerofucks.Shewasmyoneandfuckingonly.Forever.

I remember the day I married her. I remember thinking there was no way this girl could really be

marryingme.Ikeptwaitingforeveryonetogo,“Ha-ha!You’vebeenpunked!”Butnoonedid.Icouldn’t
say“Ido”fastenough.Iwantedhertobemineforeverbeforeshechangedhermind.

Everythingaboutherturnedmeon.Herlonglegs,beautifulthighsthatshemostdefinitelyhatedbutI

fuckingadored,hereyesthatchangedcolorseveryday,herdarkbrownhairthatwasusuallyinamessy
bun,andthewayshesoeffortlesslylookedbeautifulandglowingwithoutwearingloadsofmakeupdrove
mefuckingwild.Shewasafreespirit,gettingtattoosbeforeIeverimaginedIwould.Shetooklifebythe
balls,andshewasbyfaroneofthestrongestwomenIwatchedgofromyoungwomantogrownwoman.

LikeIsaid,Iwasmarriedtothemostbeautifulgirlintheworld,insideandout.Wemadeitthrough

basictrainingandacoupleofspecializedtrainingschools,despitethetimeapart.Iknewshewaswithme
forthelonghaul.WhenwemovedawayfromTexasandontothenextroundoftraining,sheneverlooked
back.ShesqueezedmyhandandtoldmeaslongasshehadmeandIhadhereverythingwouldfallinto
place.Itwasalwaysourthing.Maddiesqueezingmyhandormesqueezinghers.Thatunsaidreassurance
bothofusneededfromtimetotime.WhenIwasawayfromher,Iofcoursemissedherbody—whichshe
so graciously made sure I had plenty of pictures of—Thank you internet!—but I missed the way she
squeezedmyhandwhenIfeltlikeIwasstruggling.Imissedthewayhereyestwinkledandturnedsuper
greenwhenshesawmewalkingtowardher.Imissedthewayhereyesturneddarkgreen,almostbrown
whenshewasangry,andevenhowtheyturnedbluewhenshewassad.Imissedthatgoldringshewould
getaroundherpupilsonthe“hazeldays”aswecalledthem.Soyeah,Imissedfuckingher.ButIalsojust
missedher,anditwassomethingnotmanyoftheguysunderstood.

The Pipeline, a seemingly endless chain of classes and schools across the country that I had to take

overthenexttwoyearswereeasyintermsofourrelationship,buthardashellintermsoffinishingeach
stepandgettingtothenext.Maddiewasabletobewithmemostofthetime,andwegotfamilyhousing.I
feltlikeIwastakingcareofherwhileIwastraining.Shekeptwriting.Ididn’twantherto,atleastnot
formoney.Iwantedhertowriteforfun.Iswearshewroteallthetime...unlessshewaswatchingthose
dumbassshowsthatmaketraumamedicinelooklikeajoke.Butshewrotealot.Mostlyrandompiecesin
smallonlinepublications,butshesaiditgaveherasenseofhavingsomethingtodo,andIcouldn’targue
withthatlogic.Itfeltgoodtotakecareofmygirl,though.So,Iwasalwaysabittornbutdidn’twantto
bethatdudewholookedlikeanassholebytellinghiswifenottowork.Growingupdefinitelywasn’tas
easyasIthoughtitwouldbe.

TherewasalotridingonmysuccessinthePJprogram.MaddieandIwerekindoflivingschoolto

school for a few months. If I failed, I’d be out and back to trying to decide what I wanted to do in the
service. I wasn’t the only one who’d be starting all over again. We both would be. And, because I’m
stubborn, I’d try to be a PJ again. I would’ve kept training and trying. I wanted to be a PJ more than
anythinginmylife.Forthefirsttime,Iknewmypurposewastolovemywifeandsavepeople’slives.
MaddietriedtotakeabreakfromschoolformewhilewespentalittleoverayearinNewMexicowhere
IfinishedmyPararescueEMT/ParamedicandmyRecoverySpecialistcourses.Iwouldn’tletherthough.
Imean, she could’vetold me no.Maddie had no qualmsabout being independent.She was really cute,

always thinking she would get her way. She ended up enrolling in school for two semesters in New
Mexico. I still claim that as a point in the win column, even though it was only a couple of semesters.
Afterthat,theyshippedusofftoanewbaseinArizona.IneverthoughtI’dcallArizonahome.Butitsure
asfuckbeatthathumidshitIwassousedtoinLouisiana.Maddiereenrolledincollegewhilewesettled
in,andIcontinuedmytrainingwithmyunitforaneventualdeployment.IwasofficiallyaPJ,andArizona
was home, for now. I had my wife. I had my passion. I was pretty fucking happy. It did scare me how
badlyIwantedtoseesomeactionoverseas,though,anditoutrightterrifiedMads.

Itfeltlikeyears,butsoonerratherthanlater,Iwasabletousemyhardtraining.Iwasgoingtobemore

thananewrecruit.Iwasgoingtodomorethanjusttrain.Iwasgoingtoimplementskillsveryfewpeople
could.

Iwasgoingtowar.

My first deployment was really hard on everyone. Myself included. Maddie was about to graduate

collegeandtherewasnothingIcoulddotostopmydeployment.Inthemilitary,youdon’tgettocallthe
shots.Iwantedtobethereforher.Iwantedtobetheretohugher,tocelebratewithher.Iwantedtobethe
manIwassupposedtobe.But,maybeIwas.MaybethemanIwassupposedtobecoulddoboth.Iwas
sureasfuckgoingtotry.TherewasnothingIcoulddotoproperlyportrayhowmuchIwouldmissher
smileinmylifeeveryday.She’dneverunderstandhowmuchIwouldworryabouther.Itriedtotellher.I
tried to show her—in some of the dirtiest ways possible—that I wasn’t going anywhere. That she was
mine.Iwashers.Warwouldn’ttearusapart.Wewouldn’tbeoneofthosestatistics.Plus,theAirForce
wouldbeinandoutofthisconflictinnotime.

Theproblemwithmyplanwasthatweweren’tinandoutoftheconflictinnotime.WhenIenlisted,I

knewtherewasachanceI’dgotowar.Ididn’tthinkitwaslikely,butIrealizeditwasapossibility.I
wasn’tafuckingmoron.IalsoknewtherewasachanceIcouldverywelldieservingmycountry.That
wasasacrificeIdecidedIwaswillingtomakewithoutconsultingwithmynewwife.Ineveraskedher
howshefeltaboutit.Later,Iwouldlearntoregretneveraskingheropinion.Shemight’vetoldmehow
muchshe’dhurtwithoutme.Mylittlecopilot,havingtopilotlifeonherown.Shealwaysdidafinejob,
butIknownowthatshealwayswishedIwastheretokeepheroncourse.

ButwhenI’mhonestwithmyself?Iwould’vechosenthesameanyway.Savinglives?That’safeeling

I’munabletodescribe.Savingkids,beingtheonetosavemybrothersandsistersatwar,knowingIcould
save the life of an innocent civilian? That’s what I was supposed to be. That was what I was always
supposedtobe,evenbeforeIknewit.IjusthopedIdidn’tlosetheonlywomanIwouldeverloveover
myneedtodosomethingforthegreatergood.

Ithadbeennicestateside,pretendingwarwasn’tloominginthebackground.Ineverthoughtitwould

actuallyhappen,nottoanextentwhereIwouldneedtobedeployed.Warswereathingofthepast,right?
But,whenterroristsattackedAmericansonUnitedStatessoil,itwasonlyamatteroftimebeforewegot
called to serve. That whole thing happened rather quickly. I went from being a pretty carefree, happily
marriedyoungman,themanthatlovedcominghometomywifeeverynightandfuckingherinwaysthat
onlyIknewhow.Iequallylovedholdingherhandduringamovienightonthecouchorhavinghercrawl
intomylapandgotosleepasIplayedvideogames.Lifewaseasy.Itwasgood.Lifewasunreal.

Butlifegotreal.Shitgotreal.Shitgotrealinarealbigfuckinghurry.

Thedaybeforemydeploymentsnuckuponme,andbeforeIknewit,Iwasfacingmonthswithoutmy

girl.Iknewwe’dbeokay.We’dmadeitthroughplentyoflongdistanceperiods.Buteachonehurtjustas

muchasthefirsttime,andastimewenton,eachonehurtasbadastheworsttimes.Iwasbetterathiding
it than she was. She was so free with her emotions. I had always been pretty open with my emotions
aroundher,too.Butthecloserdeploymentcame,themoreIbegantotrytoturnalotofmyemotionsoff.I
knew my training, while it was the best around, was nothing compared to the wounds I’d be seeing. I
knewlearningtocloseabodybagwouldbenothinglikeactuallydoingitwithalifelessbodyinsideofit.
Iknewwhatwardidtomyfriendswhohadbeenandcomeback.IthoughtifIstartedtoshutdownbefore
Ileft,Iwoulddefinitelybeokay.Theproblemwiththatplan?

Mybeautiful,emotional,Maddie.

Maddie

ThenightbeforeSethleftforthefirsttimeondeployment,wemadeloveuntilwecried.Bothofus.

Whenhewouldkissme,slowatfirstbutturningheatedquickly,itfeltlikewecouldn’tbreatheinenough
ofeachother.Itfeltlikeoxygencouldn’tsustainus.ItfeltliketakingabreathandnotknowingifIwould
getanother.Whenheenteredmeforthefirsttimethatnight,Ihadneverfeltsoconnectedtohiminmy
life.Thewayhetenderlybrushedmyhairoutofmyfacewhilehewasburieddeepinsideofmewasboth
intimate and needy. Afterward, we stayed that way, him inside of me, until we were ready for another
round,likewecouldn’tstandtobeapartforevenasecondortwo.

Forthefirsttime,Iunderstoodwhatitwasliketonotknowifyourhusbandwouldcomehometoyou

again.Sure,whenhewenttobasictraining,itwashard.But,Iknewhe’dcomebackfromthat.Whenhe
wentofffortrainingtobecomepartoftheAirForcePararescueunit,Iwasokay.Iknewhe’dcomeback.
Watching him get the credit and honor he deserved the day he was pinned an Air Force “PJ” is one of
thosemomentsI’llrememberonmydeathbed.

Butthiswasawholedifferentkindoffeeling.There’sthesemomentsinlife,wheretherereallyareno

words to describe how you feel, and the night before he left me to fight for our country, and for our
freedom,wasoneofthosenights.

Iwasdeterminedtogetthroughit,withouttears.IwantedtobethestrongwifeIshouldbeforhim.I

wanted to be someone he could be proud of. I didn’t want him to worry about me. Worrying about me
whilehewasinawarzonecouldverylikelygethimkilled,soItriedtobestrong.I’llneverforgetthe
confusedlookonhisfacewhenIcriedasheenteredmethatnight.

“Areyouokay?”hehadaskedme,gentlyrubbingmytearswithhisknuckles.
I nodded. “I’m crazy in love with you, Seth. I just need to remember every second.” I sniffled as he

leaneddownandkissedthetrailoftearsslowlydrippingdownmyface.Hisnosetracedmyjawlineso
softlythatnightashewhisperedhowmuchhelovedmewhilehemadelovetome.Whenwecamethat
night,forthelasttime,hehadmyhandsheldabovemyhead,squeezingmyfingerssotightlyitalmosthurt.
Herestedhisforeheadonmineasheemptiedhimselfintome.Hekissedmyforehead,myclosedeyes,
mytearstainedcheeks,andfinallymylips.

Itwasbyfaroneofthemostintimatemomentsofmylife.IalwaysknewSethlovedme.Butuntilthat

night,IneverknewSethwoulddieforme.Ithinkweallliketohopeourhusbandswoulddoanythingfor
us,butIwaslivingwithandwatchingmyhusbandgotowarfornotonlyme,butforpeoplehelovedand
forpeoplewhohewouldcometolove.Hewasgoingtowarforpeoplewho’dneverappreciatehim,and
hediditallnotexpectingtobethankedortobehonored.Heactuallyhateditwhenstrangersstoppedus
andsaidthankyouifhewasinhiscamis.TheyusedtothankmetooandIneverreallyunderstoodit.Until
now.Whenheserved,Ididmytime,too.

Leavingthenextdaytoheadtoourdesignated“dropzone”ashejokinglycalledit,weneverstopped

holdinghands.Whilewestoodoutsideofthebuildingwhereeveryonewasinsidewithallkindsofmixed
emotions,IcouldswearIcouldfeeltheinsane,crazyenergyfrominsidethosewalls.Irememberaleaf
fromanearbytreefallingintomyhairandhimpullingitoutandputtingitinhispocket.Hehadkissedme
near my ear and said, “So I can remember how beautiful you look in this sunlight.” He really could be
veryromanticwhenhewantedtobe.Irememberhisfriendsyellingathimashelingeredtoolongbefore
headingofftojointhegroupofsingleguysthatwerewaitingforustoenterwiththem.

Oncewewereinsideandeveryonewassayingtheirgood-byes,Irememberfeelingselfishforbeingso

sadasIwatchedmensaygood-byetonewbornbabies.Iwatchedaswomensaidgood-byetokidswho
didn’tunderstandwhytheirmotherswereleaving.Icould’veletiteatawayatme,butIdecidedweall
hadthingstolose.Weallgaveupalittlesomething.Ifnothingelseinthatroomunitedus,wewereunited
inourlosses.Evenifitwastotallyridiculous,Iwasgoingtoallowmyselftobesadassoonashewas
outofsight.IwouldbestrongforhimifitwasthelastthingIdid.

I stood with my back against a wall in a more secluded area of the room, Seth hugging me and

whisperinginmyhairtoignorehisbuddies.

“Blaze!Getyourassoverhere.Youcanhavearoomfornightsonendwhenwegetbackfromwar!”

Theywereelatedtogotowar.Itmademeshudder.HewasexcitedtooIknew,butIwasalsosurehe

wasterrified,evenifhe’dneveradmitit.Hewasmostenthusiastictoreallyputallofhiseducationand
extensivetrainingtouse.Iwaseagerforhimtosucceed.Iwantedtoseehimsavelives.Ijustdidn’twant
ittobeinanactivewarzone.

“Blaze! Move your boots!” Matt grinned like a kid on Christmas day. Matt was the kind of guy that

couldmaskhisemotionsbyactinglikeacompletechild.Hebuiltupawallofhumor.Itannoyedmethat
day,butwereallyadoredMatt.MyfriendKatiekindofadoredhimtoo.She’dvisitedfrequentlysince
meeting him. Matt and Seth went through The Pipeline together, so we were pretty close. He was
definitelyoneoftheblessingsIhad.IknewMattandSethwouldhaveeachother’sbacksbecausethey’d
gonethroughsomuchtogether.Ialsohadnocomplaintswithseeingmybestfriendsooften,evenifshe
had a dual purpose to hook up with Matt. They weren’t very serious when the guys left on their first
deployment,butthatwouldchangetoo.

Seth kissed me again, flipping off Matt and grinning against my lips. “I love you, Mads. No tears,

okay?”

Inoddedagainsthiskiss,tryingharderthanevertostaystrongforhisgood-bye.

“Blaze!”anotherguyfromhisunityelled.

“Thatistheworstnickname.”Ilaughedagainsthiskiss.

“Ikindalikeit,Mads.”Hegrinnedagain.

“Thatoneistheworsttoo.”Ilaughedharder.“Go,beforeyouhavetodopush-upsorwhateveryoudo

whenyou’renaughty.”Iwinked.

“That’snotwhatIdowhenI’mnaughty,babygirl.”Hebitmybottomlipsoftlyandsighed.“Begood.I

love you. I’ll see you soon.” He kissed me quickly and with finality before he backed away slowly,
grinning like a kid at Christmas before running off to join the guys. I know he was sad. There was no
doubtinmymindhewassad.Buthewassoexcitedtodosomegood.Hemademyheartswell,andhe
mademeproudtobehis.

Theplayonourlastname,Blaise,forhisnickname“Blaze”mostlydrovemecrazy,butIhadheardit

somuchIwaslearningtoloveit.Itdidsoundverystrongandalpha,andifanyoneneededtobestrong,it
wastheseguys.Thatdidn’tstopmefromteasinghimabouthowterribleitwas,though.

Istayeduntiltheirflighttookoff.Icouldn’tseehim,andheprobablycouldn’tseeme,butIlikedto

pretendhecould.IlikedtothinkheknewIwasthereeverystepoftheway.AsmuchasIcouldbe.

Thenightheleftwasveryweird.Iwasangryatsomanythings.IwasangryIwasalone.Ireallydidn’t

understand how my life had gone from “first girl in my family to go to college” to “military spouse
waitingforherhusbandtocomehome.”Hopefully.Ifeltridiculousforsittingaroundinmysweatseating
icecream.Ifeltsodumbforbeingmadthathewasgoingtomissmygraduationinthreedays.Iwasjust
angry.Luckily,myparentsflewinwithmysistertwodayslaterforgraduation.Seth’sparentscametoo.
Theydidn’thaveto,soIreallyappreciatedthembeingthereinhisabsence.Theyhonestlydidmakeme
feelbetter,butonlytimecouldtrulyevermakemefeelokay.So,Iputonanotherbravefaceandtriedto
smileandactasnormalasIcould.

Graduationtimecameandwent,andIwasunhappytosaytheleast.Iwasproudofmyself,butIwanted

Sethtobetheresobadly.Iwantedhimtoholdmyhanduntilitwastimetotakeaseatwithmygraduating
class.Iwantedhimtheretohugmetightlywhenwemetupaftertheceremony.Ifeltemptywithouthimby
mysideonwhatseemedlikesuchanimportantday.Havingourfamiliestherewasnice,buttheyweren’t
Seth.Noonecouldstaylong.Itwasashorttrip.Theyallflewintogetherandonlyforthegraduationand
thedayorsobefore.Idrovethemtotheairport,sayinganotherroundofgood-byes,andheadedhometoa
housethatwouldbeempty.

Ijustneededsomespacetonotpretendtobeokayanymore.MyphonerangasIwastossingmycap

ontomybed,whichlookeduncomfortableinourtooquiethome.HisfacelitupmyscreenandIlunged
formyphone.Forgetbeingacrybaby;hewasonthephone!Ihadn’texpectedhimtocallsosoonandfelt
giddyinsidewhenIheardhisvoice.

“Ohmyyyyy,it’safancycollegegraduate,”heswoonedintothephone.
Ilaughed.“Ooohhhmyyyy.It’sasexymilitarymaninuniformandeverything,”Ijokedback.
Hetoldmehowproudhewasofme.Hetoldmehowitwashardtoadjusttothebunker-typelifestyle

they were living in on the base and in the command center he called home in the middle of the world
somewhere.HegavemealltheinformationIneededtosendhimpackages,andwhenhe’dbeabletotalk
mosttimes,assumingtherewasn’tacall.Herambledon,tellingmeabouthisschedulesofarandabout
someoftheguyshewaslivingwithforthenextsixmonths.

IremembertellinghimhowhappyIwasthathesoundedsocheerfulandupbeat.Iwasreallyworried

he’dhavetroubleandbeMr.GloomandDoom.Lookingbackonit,Ishould’vebeenmoreworriedabout
myself.Iploppeddownonmybed—ourbed—playingwiththetassleonmygraduationcapandstaringat
theceiling.“Whatnow?”Iwhispered.

“Onedayatatime,babygirl,”hesaidsoftly.“Imissyou,”hesaidevensofter.

Wereallydidn’tneedwords.Wejustsatthere,hearingeachotherbreathe.Thatwasenough.

“Blaaaaaaze!” I heard from the background and before I realized it, I was laughing again. Seth and

Matt’sbromanceknewnobounds.IlistenedasSethtriedtogetMattandtheotherguysoutoftheroom,a
fewofthempoppinginspecificallytosayhitome.

“Maddie,youcrazylady!Hi!”oneofthemyelled.

“TellmygirlIsaidI’vegotasixpackalready!”Mattyelled,soundinglikeakidwho’dhadway,way

toomuchchocolate.

I laughed. If the whole deployment went by like that, I bet I could’ve taken it. But like life does

sometimes, deployment took a turn for the worse, quickly. As we were all laughing and joking, their
squadron alarm went off. I heard, “Scramble! Scramble! Scramble!” and a quick “I love you, Maddie”
beforeahangupwhereIdidn’tevengettotellhimtobesafe.Ididn’tevengettotellhimIlovedhimtoo.
Heknewitthough,right?

That night was absolutely the longest night of my young life. I stared at my phone for hours. I called

some of the other wives and asked if they’d heard anything on the mission. No one had. Some had not
evenknownitwashappening.IwatchedthenewslikewewereunderattackandIneededtoknowevery
secondofeverybitofnewsthatcamein.Ipickedatmyfingerssomuchtheybled.Icalledmymom.She
obviouslyhadnoideaSethhadbeencalledonamission,andIdefinitelydidn’twanttodoanythingthat
couldputhimoranyoftheguysindanger.SoIpretendedthenewscastsworriedme.Mymomtriedto
consoleme.IsaidIfeltbetter,andIhungup.Icried.

IcalledSeth’smom.IpretendedIwascallingtomakesurethey’dmadeithomesafely,butIwasreally

hopingshehadsomeinformationIdidn’t.TherewasnowayinhellIwasgoingtoworryhismothermore
thanshewasalreadyworried.Wetalkedforafewmoments.Istayedgluedtothenewsandpretendedto
payattention.Wehungup.Icried.

IcalledourmutualfriendCash.SethmetCashwhenhewenttoGeorgiaforArmyAirborneSchool.I

guessthetwohadabromanceoftheirown,becauseCashandSethneverreallylosttouch.Sethdemanded
I keep Cash’s phone number when he left for deployment, “just in case I needed it.” I felt like a crazy
personforcallinghim,butIdiditanyway.MaybeIwasacrazypersonnow.

Hewasthebestattryingtocalmmedown.“Shhh.DeepBreath.LetmeseewhatIcanfindout,”he

toldmeinhisVirginiandrawl.

“I’msorry for botheringyou. I’m sureyou’re busy. I calledeveryone else, andno one knows what’s

goingon.SethtoldmetocallyouifIwaseverindistress,andI’mindistress.Idon’tknowwhattodo
withmyself.Iamfreakingthefuckout.”Ispitthewordsoutquicklyandalmostcried.Again.

“Youshould’vecalledmefirst,silly.”HehummedandtappedawayathiskeyboardasIsatmilesaway

fromeveryonewhoknewmewellenoughtoknowwhatIneeded.IneededSethtobeokay.He’dknow
whattodotocalmmedown.Ihadnoclue,andIwaslosingmymind.

“Alright,Maddie,here’swhatIknow,”Cashsaid.There’sabigattackunderwayonabaseoverthere.

I’m sure he’s just really busy.” His tone wasn’t necessarily a scary one, but definitely a wary one. I
rememberexactlyhowitsoundedwhenhesaiditbecauseIrememberexactlyhowitfelttofeelmyheart
stopbeatingandmylungsstopworking.IrememberhowitfelttofeellikeIwasliterallygoingtodie.

“Maddie.”Cashinterruptedmyanxietyattackinthemaking.“Breathe.”Hewasn’tanywherenearclose

enoughtobewithme,butheofferedanyway.Cashwasarealgooddude,andIwasgladSethhadhimin
hiscorner.Thatnight,Cashheldmyhandfromacrossthecountry,ormaybeeventheworld.Whoknows
withhim?HewasaneliteArmySniper.Ididn’tknowifhewasathomeinVirginia,wasbackonbasein
Georgia,orwassomewhereelseintheworld.Iwastoodistraughttoaskquestions,andheneverpushed
information.Hewasfriendlybutwasn’tgoingtogiveupmorethanIwasaskingfor.

“Howmanycasualties?”Iasked,takingashakybreathandsittingupasthenewscastIwaswatching

cameacrosswithabreakingnewsupdatethatUnitedStatesforceshadbeenattackedoverseas.

“Noshit,”Imumbledundermybreath,rollingmyeyesandthrowingmyremotebackdownonthebed.

Cash put me on hold and then came back after a couple of really long moments. He said he was

gatheringintel.Hewasscaringmesilly.“Youdon’twanttoknowtheanswertothat.Itwillonlyworry
you.I’mtellingyou.IknowBlaze.He’s—”

“Seth.YouknowSeth,”Itoldhim,grindingmyjaw.Mostofthetimehisnicknamedidn’tbotherme.It

annoyedme,butinanenduringway.ItwassortoflikewhenSethcalledme“Mads.”Ihatedit,butIliked
it.Thewhole“Blaze”thingwasactuallykindofgrowingonme.ButIneededSeth.IneededmySeth.

“Ido,Maddie.He’sokay.Wantmetotrytogettoyou?”Cashofferedforthesecondtime.

“I’llbefine.”IjustwishedIbelieveditasmuchasImadehimbelieveit.

HetoldmetocallhimbackifIneededanything.HesaidhehadpromisedSethhewouldlookafterme

anditwasimportanttohimtofollowthrough.ItwassoverytypicalofSethtosetupsomeonetolookout
forme,withbothheandMattbeinggoneatthesametimeandmebeingstuckherealone.

AtotaloffifteenhoursafterthehangupwithmynewfriendCash,Igotanemailalertonmyphone.

MyMaddie,Iknowyou’reworried.Pleasedon’t.I’msafe.IwishIcouldsaythesameforalotof

theguysIsawtoday.Iloveyousomuch,andafterthethingsI’veseen,Ican’twaittotouchyourskin
again. Sleep well, my sweet girl. I know you haven’t. I’m willing to bet I’ll get a reply before my
computertimeisevenover.Sillygirl.

I replied immediately. “Fuck. I was so scared.” I hit send and then opened a new reply to type

somethingwithmoresubstancethanahandfulofwordssohe’dhavesomethingtoreadlater.

MyscreenlitupwithavideocallbeforeIevenhadtimetostartthenewemail.Iwipedmyeyesfor

aboutthebillionthtimethatnightbeforeanswering.

“Heyyou.”Itriedmybesttoputonmybravesmile.

“Oh,baby.”Hesighed,takingmeinthroughourvideocall.“Ihopeitgetseasierforyou.”

“Justhardtogetusedto.IcalledCash.”Ilaughed,sniffling.

“Didyoucallmymomtoo?”heasked,laughing.

“Yeah,butshedidn’tknowitwasyou.Shesawthenewsreportsthatsomethingwashappening.She’s

okay.”

Henodded.“You’rethebest.HowwasCash?”

“Hewasreallynice.ProbablythinksI’manutjob.”Ishruggedmyshouldersandlaughedsoftly.

“Youareanutjob.Averybeautiful,awesomenutjobthatIlovedearly.”Hesmiledbackatme.

“Notevenremotely,”ItoldhimasItookineverylineandfeatureonhisface.

“Idon’twanttohangup.Icouldstareatyourfaceforeverafterthishorrificday.ButIreallyneedto

getsomerest.”Herubbedhiseyes.Hereallydidlookexhausted.

Ididn’tknowhowtoapproachwhathadhappenedtoday.Ididn’twanttobetoointrusive,andIwas

surethetraumaforsomethinglikewarrandeep.Idecideditwasbesttoappreciatethathewasokayfor
now. He obviously needed sleep to survive out there, so if I had to give him up so he could sleep and
survive,Iwoulddothat,fornow.

“Yousleep,babe.I’msogladyouemailed,”Itoldhim.

“Baby,I’llalwaysdomybesttoletyouknowI’mokay.”

LittledidIknowthebesthecoulddosometimeswasn’tgoingtocutitforme.

“Thankyou,baby.”Ibitmybottomlip.

“Youstopthat.”Helaughed.
Ismiledandblewhimakiss.“Iloveyoutoallthegalaxiesandback.Besafeoutthere,baby.”

“Iloveyouback,toinfinityandbeyondandforeverpastthatandback.”Hewinked.“Yougetsomerest

too.Youneedthatstufftofunction.I’llcallassoonasIcan.”

Westaredateachotherforafewsecondsbeforeheendedthecall.Iwatchedmyphonedisplayfora

fewsecondslonger,feelingemptyonceagain.Ilockeditbegrudginglyandthrewitdownonthebedbut
thensatup.IsentatexttoCashandlethimknowSethwasokay.Igotaquickresponseback.

Toldyouso.
Irolledmyeyesbutsmiled.Ifeltalittlelighter.IwasjustworriedaboutSeth’spsychenow.Isenta

quickthank-youtexttoCash,pluggedmyphoneintocharge,andthenIsleptforalmostawholeday.

Seth

ItriedtocallMaddieafewhourslaterwhenIhadtobeupforduty.Shedidn’tanswer,soshemust’ve

been sleeping pretty damn hard. She slept pretty lightly, so even a phone vibrating not waking her up
meantshewassleepinglikethedead.Ileftheravoicemail,tellingherIwasgladshewassleeping,thatI
lovedher,andIwouldtryheragainlaterontoday.But,conditionsgotworsenearmybase.

Isawtheworstthingsthatcanhappentopeople,andthemoreIsawit,themoreInoticedalotofguysI

had met on deployment carried that nastiness and darkness with them... for a really long time. I really
didn’twanttobeoneofthem.Itwasn’tbecausetheywereorarebadpeople,butbecauseIstillwantedto
beme.IstillwantedMaddietoknowmewhenIgothome.Iwasterrifiedoflosingher.

I watched how it could be so easy to get sucked into the problems that deployment could cause in

relationships.So,IdideverythingwithinmypowertomakesureIkeptmyrelationshipwithMaddiea
priority.IcalledasoftenasIcould,usuallydailyuntilfightingseasonbegananditwashardtokeepup
witheachother.Ourscheduleswereconstantlymissingtheirintersections.

Irememberonedayinparticularwhenthingshadnotgoneasplanned.Iwassupposedtocall.Iwanted

tocall.Imissedherface.Imissedhervoice.Imissedeverythingabouther.Allofthethingsshehated,I
missed.

I didn’t want to wake her when I got in from the mission where we saved a Navy Corpsman from a

prettyseriousinjury.So,Isentheraquickemail.

Mads,I'msosorry.IknowIwassupposedtocallyouyesterdaybeforeIslept.Iwassopumpedfor

shiftchange.I'mdisappointeditdidn'thappen,andIknowyouaretoo.Acallcameoutthatneededall
handsrightatshiftchange.Icouldn'tleave.Iwouldn'thaveevenifIcouldhave.Addedanothertomy
list.I’llcallsoon.Iloveyou,andImissyou.

Itfuckingsuckedwhenourdailycallsturnedintoweeklycalls.Eventually,towardtheendoffighting

season—andmydeployment—ourweeklycallsturnedintobi-weeklycalls.Let’sjustsayitwasalong
motherfuckingdeployment,evenupuntilthelastfewdaysbeforecominghome.

I was happy to be saving the lives of our brave men and women, along with our allies’ lives. I was

happytobesavinginnocentwomenandchildrenwhohadnosayinthematteroftheirlivesbeingturned
upsidedown.Iwasn’tsuperhappytoseepeoplewithlegsblownoffandbeingrushedwiththestressing
timerestraintstogetmypatientstoasurgicalfacilityduringwhatwedub“TheGoldenHour.”

Basically,itworkslikethis:ifyousteponanIEDandyourleggetsblownoff,ifyou’regoingtodie,

it’llbewithinanhourinmostcases.Ifyoucangettoagoodsurgicalfacilitywithinthathour,thenthere’s
areallygoodchanceyou’llpullthrough.

The Golden Hour had to happen. It was a goal we set for ourselves, and it’s one that wasn’t always

obtainable.Gettinginandoutofabattlefieldwithaman,andwhat’sleftofhisseveredleg,ishardwork
init’sownright.Rescuingpeoplewhilebeingshotatandputtingyourfaithinyourcovertomakesure
youweren’tsomeone’smarktookitupanotch.Nextuponthelistofimpossiblethingstogetdonewasto
getoutofthathotzoneandstabilizemypatient,notthinkingaboutthefactthattherewasatargetonmy
back until I got into safe air space again. Helicopters don’t exactly do the sneaking around thing very

well. There were many times when we would have to split up from our helicopter duo and go into
missionscompletelyblindandvulnerablewithnocover.Inshort,itwashell,butitwasahellIenjoyed
thefuckoutof.

ThehighlightofmydeploymentcamewhenMaddiesentanemailtoseeifIcouldchat.Ithadbeena

quietday,anditfeltlikewehadn’ttalkedinweeks.Whensheansweredmyvideocall,herhairwasa
differentcolor.Mybrunettehadgoneredhead.Itdidn’tlookbad.Itjustlookeddifferent.

“Hey,prettygirl,”Isaid,smilingasIleanedbackinthechair.Iwastakinghereyesin.Bluetoday,it

lookedlike.Itwasalwayshardtotellwhenwechattedonvideo.Hernewredhair,flashyinthesunlight
fromthewindow,lookedprettyfuckingsexy.Herlipslookedliketheyneededtobekissed,andIwanted
tofuckingkissthemsobadly.Igroanedandslammedmyhanddownonthetablebesidethecomputer.She
jumped, startled by my outburst, and stopped talking about whatever it was she was saying. I was a
terriblehusbandthen,too.Ididn’treallylisten.

“Areyouokay?”sheasked.Ihadneverheardherbesotimidbefore.Iguesstherewasnowaytolet

warnotchangeyou.Iwasdefinitelyharsher.Itwasevidentbythelookonherface.

Itookadeepbreathandwatchedher.Isighedandrestedmyhandsbehindmyhead,leaningbackinthe

officechairsetupintheroomwiththe“notshitty”computer.

“I’m sorry, Mads. I’m good. It’s just been rough. You know?” We met eyes via thousands of miles

away,andIknewsheknewhowharditwas.IhadnevergivenMaddieenoughcredit.

“Tellmeaboutyoursavessincewetalked,”shesaid.Andalmostinstantly,mytensionstartedtofade.

SheknewtalkingaboutthepeopleIhadsavedwasalwaysthebestwaytomakemestopfocusingonthe
negative,andfuckifIdidn’tloveherforthat.

I told her about my last two saves. One guy with his left leg completely gone. She made a bunch of

scrunchedupnosefacesthatwereadorable,andIwasgladshedidn’treallyunderstandthehorrorofwar
that so many of us had to see. I told her about the kid who got caught with shrapnel from an IED who
wouldlivetoseeanotherday.Ifeltbetter.Ifeltgood.Iwasstilldifferent,butIfeltbetter.

I was OCD about the tally I kept of my saves vs. my kills. I was always in a better mood when my

number of lives saved was higher than my number of lives killed or not saved. I didn’t want to hurt
people. I most definitely didn’t want to kill people. But, if it came between someone who’d definitely
take the shot on any of my brothers and sisters and me, I was going to take that shot, brother-man. So
sadly,Ihadkilled.Happily,Ihadsavedalotmore.Itwasafuckeduptallysystem,butitworkedforme.
Itstillworksforme.

Anytimeanyonesaystheycanseethesethingsandnotletittouchthem,they’rejuststraightupfucking

liars.Youknowwhatsucks?Losing.Havingtousethebodybagprocedureforthefirsttime.Makingsure
toincludeaflagforthefamilywhowouldreceivetheherothey’dnevergettogoouttodinnerwithagain.
Itdefinitelyfuckedwithme.Iwassoworriedaboutbeingthesameme.Butonlyafewmonthsintomy
deployment,IwassureIcouldn’tdothisjobandremainunchanged.Hell,I’dknownthatafewdaysinto
mydeployment,butIwastoostubborntorecognizeituntilitwasalmosttimetogohome.

Maddie

The rest of Seth’s deployment went by slowly. I started a job as a journalist for a local women’s

magazine.Itwasn’tmyfavoritejob,butitwaswork.Itkeptmebusy.Istartedajournal.IwantedSethto
haveitifheeverhadtoleaveagain.Sothathe’dhaveapagetoreadeverysingleday,andthenhewould
neverforgetImissedhimasmuchashemissedme.Iprobablymissedhimmuchmore.IsentSethcare
packagesbi-weekly.Usually,Isentthingshehadaskedfor.Mostwerenormalcomfortsofhometheguys
didn’tgetinawarzone.ThePJsdidn’tgettoreallyleavetheirsmallbase,soitwaswhatevertheyhad
there and that was it. He would ask for new underwear, and I’d send the most ridiculous pairs I could
find, usually with hearts or some silly saying across the ass. He’d ask for nudes. I might’ve sent those,
too.He’daskforbatteries,books,magazines.

LikeIsaid,prettynormalstuff.Butsometimes?Sometimeshisrequestswerejustplainweird.Oncehe

askedforaboxofcondiments.IrememberlaughingbecauseIthoughthehadsaid“condoms”andIwas
staringathimviavideolikehewasacrazyperson.IrememberaskingifIshouldbeworriedthatMatt
hadfinallytakenthetopdogthrone,anditwasonlythenthatIrealizedhesaidcondiments.Hepickedon
me for weeks about how my mind was in the gutter. Anyway, he wanted all the condiments. And he
wantedconstructionpaperandglue.

Heaskedforballoonsandwhippedcreamonetime.Iwastooscaredtoaskwhathewasdoingwith

whipcreamandballoons,butIsenteveryitemheaskedforasquicklyasIcouldgetaboxtogetherand
get to the post office. I’d always hide something a little naughty in the box at the very bottom, under
whateverpackagingprotectionIused.ThefirsttimeitwasfoundbyMatt.Ithadjustbeenapictureofme
inoneofSeth’sAirForcePTtees,sonotahugedeal.ItwasjustMatt,afterall.Ihadplentyofammoon
himbytalkingwithKatie.Butstill,lessonlearnedaboutphysicalnaughtythingsinthemail.

Afterthatincident,SethalwaysopenedtheboxfromthebottomupandgotwhateveritemIhadsentout

fromthebottombeforetheboxwasransackedbytherestoftheguys.Carepackageswerefun.Ienjoyed
puttingthemtogether,anditmademefeellikeIwaskeepingoursparkalivebyneverlettinghimbelieveI
had forgotten about him. While far away, that man was never out of my heart. That was one thing that
wouldneverchangethroughouthismilitarycareer.

Ihungoutwithotherdeployedsoldiers’wives.Weallprettymuchtriedtoavoidthetopicofwarand

thefactthatourguysmightnevercomehome.Ididn’treallyenjoyhangingoutwithallofthem.Someof
themwereprettycatty,butitdidmaketimegobyfaster.Wecomplainedalot,buthonestly,inhindsight,I
could’vebeenmarriedtoadrugdealer.Thatwould’vebeenahellofalotworsethanbeingmarriedtoa
PJ. But in my early twenties, I just wanted to have sex with my husband and hold his hand and do
ridiculouslycutethingstogether.Whenwegotthewordtheywerecominghome,Iwasoverjoyedtosay
theleast.Hecalledtotellme,butIhadalreadyheardandIwasliterallysquealinglikeateenagerwho’d
justscoredticketstothebestboybandconcertintown.Irememberthesofttwinkleinhiseyethatday.
I’llneverforgethowgenuinelyhappyhesoundedforthefirsttimeinmonths.

A few weeks later, I waited for him at the airport. I seriously thought I was going to piss my pants

waiting to see his face. I learned to believe time actually stopped that day. Seeing him come down the
ramp,whenhiseyesmetmine,nothingelsemattered.Sethhasneverbeenasmallguy.Hehadalwayshad
aswimmer’sbuild,butnowhelookedandfeltlikesomeonewhospentmoretimeinthegymthaninthe
pool.Hishairwascutdown,buzzed,butIcouldtellheneededtocleanitup.Hehadathree-daybeard
fromtravelingbacktothestates.Fuck,Ilovedthatscruff.Itwouldsadlyhavetogosoonerratherthan

later,butwhothefuckcared?Myhusbandwasfinallyfreakinghome.

Ihadtunnelvision.HehadthehungriestyethappiesteyesIhadeverlaideyeson,andhotdamnhehad

reallygottenbuff.Istartedwalkingtowardhim,andbeforeIknewit,wewererunningintoeachother.He
pickedmeup,hisnowmuchlargerbicepsembracingme.Iburiedmyfaceinhischest,myfeetoffthe
ground.IcouldfeelhimbreathingmeinjustasmuchasIwasbreathinghimin.Hehadonehandaround
the back of my head and one hand around my waist. My legs were wrapped around him like a little
monkey,andmyhairwasinamessyredbun.Whenhefinallysetmedown,tearsIhadn’tevennoticed
fallingstartedtofeelcoolundertheairconditioning.Hedriedmytearswithhisnowroughandcalloused
thumbs and kissed me softly. I put my hand over his and leaned my cheek in to his rugged hand. I
remember how gently he caressed my cheek. It was amazing to me how hands so rough could feel so
smooth.

“Ilikeyourhair,red.”Hesmiled,teasingmeaboutmyvibrantredhairasheleaneddowntokissme

once more. That kiss burned my soul. I swear I can still feel it on my lips today. It wasn’t forceful or
rushed, but it was needy. It was soft at first. Almost new again. But once our lips remembered each
other’shabits,wewerecompletelylostineachotherandwedidn’tgiveadamnastowhosaw.

“Getaroom,Blaze!”Ryanyelled.IsawHannah,oneofthewivesIactuallylikedhangingoutwith,

slaphiminthearmbeforetheyembracedagain.

Iblushed.“Sothe‘Blaze’thingisheretostay,Iguess.”Ismiledupathim,notwantingtomoveaway

fromhim.JustfeelinghisskinonpartsofminewasbetterthananysexI’deverhadafterallthosemonths
apart.

“Let’sgohome.”Heleaneddown,whisperinginmyearandmakingmeturnintothatseventeen-year-

oldgirlwhofellinlovewithhimyearsago.HebrohuggedalltheguyswhileIhuggedallthewives,and
weallsaidwe’dseeeachotheratthewelcomebackparty.Wewantedourguystoourselves.Noneofthat
partystufftonight.Thewiveshaddecidedweeksagothatthenighttheyreturnedwouldbefor“settling
in,”andIdon’tthinkanyoftheguysminded.

Sethtookmyhandinhis,pickeduphisbag,andwewalkedoutoftheairportandtoourcar.Idrove.

He said the travel had exhausted him, and in the sunlight, he did look tired. My poor guy. What had
happenedtohimoverthere?Iwasn’tcompletelysureIwantedtoknow,butIwouldlistentowhateverhe
decidedhewantedtotellme.

Whenwegothome,Sethstoodinthedoorwayforafewsecondslongerthanheusuallywouldhave.He

lookedathissurroundings,andIwatchedthissenseofcalmcomeoverhim.Ipulledhishandtobringhim
inside,andheshutthedoorbehindhimquietly.Heletgoofmyhand,walkingthrougheachroom,leaving
thebedroomforlast.Hesethisbagdown,walkedbackout,andpickedmeup,carryingmelikeasmall
childoverhisshoulder.

“Seth,what…?”Ilaughedashesmackedmyass.

“Ineedtofeeleveryinchofyou,”hesaidgrufflyashetossedmedownontothebed.Iwatchedhim

slowly unbutton his uniform and pull it off as he crawled over me. He slid his knee between my legs,
rubbingitagainstme,burningmeupasheranhisfingertipsalongmyjawthendownmyneckandintothe
collarofmyshirt.

“Youreyesaredark,Mads.”Hegrinned.“Fuck,Imissedthat.”Hekissedmeurgently.Withnooneto

stop us, our clothes were off in record time. He leaned over to the drawer where we usually kept
condoms.Neitherofusreallytrustedbirthcontrol.Toomanypeopleweknewgotsurprisebabiesonthe
magical pill. There were only two condoms there, and both were expired. He looked at me with
frustrationinhiseyes,andIjuststartedlaughing.Thenhelaughedtoo.Areallaugh.Wewerethere,naked
andneedybutrevelingineachother’smomentaryhappiness.

Ishrugged.“It’snotlikeIneededthem.Ididn’texactlykeepstock.”Ilaughed,pullingthesheetover

mychest.

Hesmiledthisbrilliantsmile.“True,”hesaidasheclaimedmylipswithhisagain.
I moaned into his mouth as I felt him slide his hand down over my hips, and after what seemed like

years,overmylipsbeforedippingintome.Ithurt,afternotbeingtouchedforsixmonths,outsideofbymy
ownhands,butitalsofeltsogood.Itwasn’tenough.Ineededhim.Ithrustedmyhipsuptomeethishands
before reaching down and grabbing his wrist. “I’m still on the pill. It’s okay. It’s been months since I
started on it. I take it every day on time. We’re married. We should be able to do the dirty without
condoms.”Igroaned.

Henodded,smilingwithnoargument.“Thankfuckinggod.”

Ashehoveredovermewithhistallframeandbegantoslideinbetweenmylegs,Iwhimpered.“What,

babygirl?”hesaid,strokinghiscocklightlywhileslidingitupanddowninbetweenmylips.

“Ineed...”Igroaned.“Fuck,”Isaid,mybreathcatching.“Ineedyou.”

He didn’t need anything more than that. He plunged into me. It hurt again, but it also felt fucking

amazing.Hefilledmeup,andIwantedmore.Mybodymissedthewayitmeldedagainsthiswhilehewas
pressedintome.Hepulledmylegsaroundhishipsandgrippedmythighsasheslidinandoutofmeata
slowbut hard pace.We had neverhad sex without protection.Feeling his warmskin touching the most
sensitive parts of me, and inside of me, threw me over the edge way quicker than I had ever thought
possible.Hegrippedmyhips,andIfelthimthrobinsideofmeasheleaneddown,bitingmycollarbone.I
ranmyhandsthroughhisbuzzed,darkhair,pullinghisfacetomychestashesuckedandnibbledalongmy
collarboneandupmyneck.Hepulledallthewayout,andIwhimpered.

“What’swrong?”Igasped.

Heclosedhiseyesandshookhishead,smilingtohimself.“Justforgothowgooditfuckingfeelstobe

buried deep inside of you, and feeling you directly on me and around me is intense. I don’t know how
muchlongerIcanlast,andI’llbemotherfuckingdamnedifmygirldoesn’tgetoffafterwe’vebeenapart
solong.”

Igaspedashestartedtoworkmeagainwithhishand.Heslidtwofingersintomeandrubbedmyclit

withhisthumb.Iwasalreadysoclose.Iallbutscreamedhisname.

“Fuck!Seth,I’msoclose.Pleasefuckme.”

Ihadneverfeltsoneedy.Ihadneverletmyselfgolongenoughtobethisneedybefore.Helovedit.He

entered me again, quickly this time. I wrapped my legs around his hips again as he slammed into me,
grippingmyhipssohardIwouldmostdefinitelyhavebruises.Icamewithlittlewarningandcouldfeel
myselfthrobbingaroundhim.Itwasoneofthemostamazingfeelingsever,andthenhecameinsideofme
anditwasenoughtoalmostpushmeovertheedgeasecondtime.Iwassosensitivefrommyfirstclimax,
andfeelingallofthatwarmthentermemademylegsshakeandmymoanscomelouderthantheyeverhad
before.

Aswebothcamedownfromourhighs,hereachedupandpushedmyhairoutofmyfacegently.“That

was…different.”

Helaughed.

“Imean,you’reasavage,”Itoldhim,smiling.

“God, I missed you. I love you so goddamn much,” he said softly as he took my lips captive again

beforeIevengotachancetoreply.

Seth

I’mnotsurewhatitisaboutcominghomefromdeployment,butthesexIhadwithMaddiethenightI

gotbackfrommyfirstmissionwasdefinitelysomeofthebestsexofmylife.Notjustbecauseshewas
amazingineverywaypossible,either.Ilovedhercurves.Ilovedthewayshesmirkedwhenshetriedto
pretendshewasn’tasworkedupasIwas.IlovedthewaysheneededmewhenIfinallyhadherwhereI
wantedher.Butmostly,Ilovedhavingherunderme.Whereshebelonged.

Safe.

Mine.

ThenextfewdaysIbarelysawheratallasIgotcheckedbackin.TheAirForcehadtomakesureI

wasstillsuitedforstatesideduty.Wehadawelcomehomepartytoattend.Ithoughtthepartywouldbe
funforbothofus,butshewaskindofstandoffishatfirst.Bytheendofthenight,andafterafewdrinks,
shefinallyletmetellherwhyI’dbeensodistant.Thenightofthatparty,wewenthomeandthewalls
betweenuscamedown.SheadmittedhowbadlyithurtwhenIwasgone.Sheadmittedhowbadlyithurt
herwhenIwasdistantaftermyfirstnighthome.Itwasa“cleansingofthedemons”night,anditwasgood
forus.

She finally understood what a weird mental state I was in. Processing all the shit I saw and did

internallywasonething.Havingtotalktoapsychiatristaboutithasheditallupagain.Ihatedthatfucking
shit.But,theyhadtomakesureIwasn’tgonnalosemygriponthenewrealityIwasliving.Theyneeded
to make sure I was still physically and mentally capable of doing my job. It got easier after that night.
When she understood it wasn’t just a switch I could flip, she let her guard down and was my Maddie
again.

Wegotintoarhythmofdaytoday.Iwasgivenathree-monthleavetime.Wewenttovisitfamily.We

wenttovisitCashwhenhegothomefromdeploymentwhileIwasstateside.Itallbecamefamiliaragain
toholdmywifewhileIsleptatnight.Itwasmundane.Itwasquiet.Ilovedit.Ilovedtouchingherevery
day.Ilovedcominghometoseeherwrappedupinablanketandabook.Itwasperfect.Except,itwasn’t
perfect.

Imissedthefield.

IwishIcouldsayeverydayofthethreemonthsIwashomewerethesameasthehappydays.Ididn’t

reallyknowwhattodowiththeleavetimethey’dgivenuspost-deployment.IlovedbeingwithMaddie.I
lovedhuggingherwheneverIwanted,kissingherwheneverIwanted,fuckingherwheneverIwanted.I
loved having her around me. I loved knowing she was safe. I’m pretty sure she’d say she loved all of
thosethings,too.But,Ifeltprettyuselessnotsavingalifeinweeks.Bymonthtwo,Iwasbeggingtogo
backtowar.Ineededtobehelpingpeople.

ItdroveMaddiecrazy.Shecouldn’tunderstandhowI’dratherbeinawarzonethanatourhomewith

herinthesafetyofourborders.Itriedamillionandonemotherfuckingtimestoexplainit,butIcouldtell
sheneverreallygotit.Iunderstoodherselfishness.Iwasgladshewantedmearound,butIhadthingsthat
needed to be done. I had a calling I couldn’t ignore. I had to hope this leaving and coming home got
easier.Thatbeinghomegoteasier,forthatmatter.

I got orders to deploy again at around the two and a half month mark. Maddie pretended it wasn’t

happening.Thatwashowshecoped.Icouldn’tjudge.Noneofusarefuckin’saints.Ihadthisgutfeeling
thisdeploymentwouldchangeus.Ijustdidn’tknowhow.IhopedIcouldholdontoherwhiledoingwhat
Iloved.Iknewkeepingustogetherwouldbeworkonbothofourparts,andIwasreadytodoit.Iwould
gobackintothisdeploymentasIdidthefirst—withmyrelationshipwithMadsapriority.Wewouldbe
okay.

ThesexwehadbeforeIdeployedagainrivaledthesexwehadwhenI’dgottenback.Sheletmetake

herinsomanypositions.PromisedtodowhatshecouldtohelpmeoutwithgettingmyrocksoffwhileI
wasgone.Wedefinitelyfucked.Alot.Butwemadelovetoo.Iguessthat’sthedifference,right?Fucking
isgreat,butreallyowningoneanotherwassomethingentirelynewandbold.Thatkindofsexwaslikean
exclamation point on a relationship. Something about deployment sex made it possible to go deeper
emotionally than we ever had gone before. I know that sounds like some stupid girl shit, but feeling
connectedtomygirlaswecametogetherwasoneofthemostintenseemotionsIhadfeltinmyshortlife.
Tothisday,it’soneofthemostintenseemotionsI’veeverfelt.

Thatnightshewasmybadgirlandmygoodgirl.Shewasmydevilandmyangel.Shewasmydirtyand

mysweetsoutherngirl.She’dalwaysbeenprettysubmissive,butshetoldmemynewrescuealphamale
statusmadeithardforhertobeanythingbutwhateverIwanted.Ifeltawful,untilshesaidshelikedit.
Welearnedalotofthingsabouteachotherthatnight,andnotjustinthesexyarenaofourbed.Westayed
upallnighttalkinginbetweenamazingsexsessions.Wetalkedabouthighschoolnightsbythecreekin
the bed of my truck and muddin’ on four wheelers at the runoff. We talked about how her writing was
going.Wetalkedabouthowamazingitmademefeeltosavelives.Wecuddlednaked,andwemadealate
nightbreakfast,herinmyT-shirtandcuteboyshorts,lookinghotterthananyfireIhadeverseen.Iwished
mylastfewmonthshadbeenlikethiseveryday,butlifedidn’tworkthatway.Wehadtogothroughthe
ebbsandflows.Wehadtogothroughthevalleystogettothemountaintops.

Shewasmyeverything.Leavingherforaseconddeploymentwasevenharderthanleavingherforthe

first.Theembraceswerelonger.Thetearsflowedmorefreelyfrommyemotionalgirl,whohadseemed
togiveuponbeingstrong.Shehandedmealeather-boundnotebookasweweresayinggood-bye.

“What’s this?” I asked her, flipping through the pages. She placed her hand on mine, slowing my

movements.

“IworkedonitbecauseIknewthisdaywouldcome.Yourheartistoopure.Isometimesselfishlywish

itwasn’t.Iloveyouforwantingtosavesomanylives.IjustwishIhadyouwithmewhileyoudidit.I’m
aselfishlover,Iguess.”Sheshrugged.

Istartedtotellhershewasn’tselfishatallwhensheinterruptedme.“Thereshouldatleastbeonething

tomakeyousmileonthosepagesforeverydayyou’regone.”

Fuck me sideways. I’d been with this girl for nearly eight years, but she still stirred something deep

withinme.Ipulledherchinuptolookatme,andshewasblushing.Shewasalwayssofuckingcute.I
smiled and ran my nose along her jawline as I whispered in her ear how it was the best gift ever. She
shivered,andasIranmyhandsalongherarms,IfeltthegoosebumpsriseandwishedIcouldtakeher
onemoretime.ButIcouldn’t.

Ikissedherlipssoftly,thenherforehead.Squeezingherhands,Itoldher,“IloveyouMadelyn.”
She hugged me tight. “I love you too Seth. Please come home to me. Remember, save every single

personyoucan,butdon’tbecrazy,”shesaidinashakyvoice.

“YouknowI’lldothebestIcan.”IwinkedasItriedtoletgoofherhand.Shesqueezedmyhandthree

times,andIfeltalittlechokedup.Isqueezedherhandbackandturnedtoheadoutonmysecondtourof
duty.

This tour didn’t start like the first. We were thrown immediately into calls that shouldn’t have even

beenhappening.SometimesIwonderedwhatthefuckwewereevenfightingfor.Iwasgladmyjobwas
tohelpkeepeveryonealive,notkillthem,butIstillhadtofiremyweaponfarmorethanI’deverliketo
actually admit. My tally list grew. Saves always higher than kills. Sometimes those two lists were
dangerouslyclosetoeachotherthough,andIfuckin’hatedthatshit.

Thefirstdaywewentoutonmysecondtour,Ihadtofiremyweapon.Thatwasmuchquickerthanthe

firsttimearound,andIwonderedhowmuchgoodwewereactuallydoing.Shouldn’tithavebeenbetter
bynow?TakingalifeisnotsomethingItakelightly,andIwouldn’twishtheresponsibilityonanyone.
Savingpeoplewasmoremyspeed,butwewereinaveryhostiletown.Weknewtherewasachancethat
thealertforachildhurtcouldactuallybeaset-upforanattack.Weknewthewaystheenemyattacked
evolvedandthatitwasapossibilityeverysingletimewewentintoacall,butweneverreallyexpectedit
tobethecase.

Onthedaywewereattacked,wegotacallthatachildwashurt.Weheadedout,aswealwaysdid,no

questionsasked.Whenwegottothedropzonethough,therewerenochildren.Therewereonlymilitant
soldierswaitingtoattackus.Ifiredmyweaponalotthatday,andIgottoasmanymenasIcouldbefore
wegotairsupportandfinallyhadsomeroomtobreathewiththemilitantsdown.Oneofourguyswashit,
butthankfullyhisarmortookmostoftheblowandhegottogohomemuchearlierthanplannedwitha
promise to be back as soon as he could. We lost one patient. We had eight. We saved seven lives, but
losingevenonewastoomany.Itwasaterribleday.Therewasalotofbloodonmyhands,andtherewas
alotofhurtinmyheart.Iguesstheguywezippedupinthebodybaghadamuchworsedaythough.

IneededtohearMaddie’svoice.Shewasmycenter,andassoonasIgotofficiallyoff-duty,Iraninto

thecomputerroomandcalledher.Sheanswered,anditwasechoing,likeshewasinthebathroom.

“Babe,Icantotallycallyoubackinasecifyouneedtopee.”Ilaughed.Iknewshewouldbringthe

oldmebackinseconds.Shehadthatwayabouther.IheardMattbehindmelaughing.

“Damn,Blaze,that’ssomenextlevellove.”Hepunchedmeintheshoulderlightlyashewalkedoutof

theroomtogiveussomeprivacy.

“Ialreadypeed,”shemumbled,completelyemotionless.

Onalert,Isatup.“Areyouokay?What’swrong?”

“Nothing’swrong...I...we...”Shestumbledonherwords.

“Madelyn.Deepbreath.Talktome,”Iencouragedher.

“Switchthecalltovideo,”shetoldmenumbly.Idid,andIwasgreetedwithapregnancytest,showing

averyclearpositive.

Idon’tknow.Maybeitwastheday.MaybeitwasjustthatIwasmorematurenowthanbeforewhenI

thoughtIneverwantedkids.ButitmadetheterribledayIhadturnintothebestdayIhad,inamatterof
seconds.Therewasachildafterall.Mychild.

“Fuck.Mads.Ifeelso—”Istarted.

“Pleasesayexcited,”shesaid,almostsadly.

“Areyoufuckingkiddingme,Maddie?I’moverthegoddamnmoon,”Itoldherasshefinallypulledthe

cameratofaceher,tearsrunningdownherbeautifulface.ThethingsIwould’vedonetobeabletodryher
eyes were endless. I wanted to really let her know how excited I was. She smiled and my heart felt
lighter, though I hated that she’d thought I would be unhappy. Building a family with this woman was
nothingshortofamiracle.Therewasnothingmoreamazingthancallinghermywife.

IwasmorethanexcitedtohaveababyIdidn’tknowIdesperatelywanted.

Maddie

Wow. We were going to have a baby. I had mixed feelings, because I knew Seth and I knew he was

goingtobesoexcited,buttherewasapartofmethatwasterrifiedhe’dbeunhappy.Luckily,thatpartof
mecouldn’thavebeenmorewrong.Itwouldbehardtomatchhisexcitementoverthecomingmonths.He
wasjustthatkindofguy.Me?Iwasscared.Beingfarfromhomewithnofamilynearbywasscary.There
wouldbesomanydoctorvisitsthatIwouldhavetogotoalone.Itwasdumb,butallIwantedwasfor
himtobe therewhenI foundoutwhat sexourbaby was.I wantedhimto bethere,holding myhandat
every visit, no matter how small. It was really too early to be thinking about all of those things, but as
someonewhohadjustfoundoutshewasbecomingamom,Igavezeroshitsabouttheridiculousnessof
mythoughts.

KatieandIhadbeentexting,andshesaidsheneededtotellmesomething.Iobviouslyneededtotell

hersomething,soIcalledher,tryingtogetthewordsoutcorrectly.Itwassostrange!“I’mhavingababy”
isneverreallysomethingyougetusedtosaying.Wearguedaboutwhoshouldgofirstandeventuallyshe
wonout,soIwentfirst.Shesquealedandsqueakedandclappedherhands.

“Then you’re going to love my news, because I know you’ve already started worrying and spazzing

abouteverything,andthat’sabouttochange,”shetoldme,andIcouldhearthesmileinhervoice.

“Well,damn,tellme!”Ilaughed.

“I’mmovingtoArizona!”shesaid.

“What?Why?”Iasked,myworriesforgottenforthemoment.

“Things with Matt are… serious. We’re handling deployment well, and he says being out there has

made him realize he’s lucky he met me. It’s all really fucking sweet and will probably induce your
morningsicknesssoI’llstop,butI’mmoving!I’mnotgoingtolivewithhim—”

“Yeahright!”Ilaughed.

“Well,Imean.Ican’t.Wearen’tmarried.”Shegiggled.“Butyou’reright.I’llbeovertherenightly.”

We laughed as she told me about a job she had already managed to land, and she asked if she could

comeupandapartmenthuntsoon.Iacceptedthatofferwithouthesitation.Afewdayswithmybestiewas
exactlywhatthedoctorordered.

AmonthlaterKatiecametovisitandfoundanapartmentnearby,buttheleasedidn’tstartforanother

threemonths.IwaslivingalonewhileSethwasdeployed.Webothlookedateachotherwithagleamin
oureyes,andIlaughed.

“IwonderifIcouldhavealong-termvisitor.Hmm.Holdthatthought,”Itoldher,laughingasItapped

outanemailtoSethonmyphone.

Yo,Blaseth.(SeewhatIdidthere?)IstheresomesortofpaperworkI’dneedtodotoletKatiecome

stayherewithmeforacoupleofmonths?I’mnotsurewhatMatthastoldyou,butshe’smovinghere.
Shhhifhehasn’tsaidanything!Anyway.Shefoundanapartment,buttheleasedoesn’tstartforthree
more months. Her job starts sooner. Soooooo, I was thinking since I’ll be here anyway, maybe she

couldcomestayforalittlewhile.Itwillgivehertimetogetsettledandstuff.Letmeknow.Iloveyou
andmissyouandneedyourfaceinmylife.

Irememberuslaughingandgooglingtheanswertoourquestion.NotbecauseIlackedtheneedorwant

forSeth’sinput,butbecausewecouldn’twaittofindouttheanswer.AlmostimmediatelyafterIsentthe
email,Sethwasvideocallingme.

“Hey,Daddy.”Ismiled.Hisfacewasenoughtolightupmywholelife.

“Hey,hotmama.”Hewinked.“Hey,babyBlaze,”hecooed.

Katiejumpedintothescreen’sshot.“Yo,Blaze!”Shelaughedandthensaidverysternly,“Babywill

notbecalledbabyBlaze,copy?”Shecrossedherarmsallseriously.

“Wilco,”hetoldher,laughing.
“Also,it’scutehowyoutwothinkMattandIdon’ttalk.Iknoweverything,baby!IamSuperman;hear

meroar!”hesaid,leaningbackagainstawalloutside.Itlookedlikeoneofthoseportabletrailersyouput
stuffinwhenyou’removing.Itmademesadthathewaslivinginatincan,butIshookitoffandsmiledat
him.

“Supermandoesn’troar,lover.”

Hesmiledbrilliantlyatmeandnodded.“I’mmyownkindofSuperman.”Hewinkedbeforecontinuing.

“Idon’thavelongbuttwothings.One,howareyouandbabyBla—?”

“NO,SETH!”Katiepracticallywhined.

Helaughed.“Sorry.Howareyouandourbeautifulfruitbaby?”

“What?”Katieaskedfromthebackground.

“Alienbabyisthesizeofafruiteveryweek.Thisweek’sanolive.Iknowit’snotafruit.”Ilaughed.

“Shhhh.”

Shelookedatmekindoffunnyandnodded,whileshesippedhercoffee.

I laughed as I turned back to him. “We are good, babe.” I nodded, rubbing my tummy even though it

wasn’tpokingout,evenintheleast.Atmyabsoluteworstrightnow,IlookedlikeIwasalittlegassy.

“Letmesee!”hesaidexcitedly.

Igrinnedandpointedthecameratowardmybelly.Ifyouwould’veaskedSeth,hewould’vetoldyouI

wasshowingatthreemonthspregnant.Ijustlethimhaveit,evenifitmeantbyhislogicIwouldbethe
sizeoffiveofmebythetimeIgavebirth.Itmadehimhappy,andanytimeIcouldmakemyguysmile,it
mademehappy.

AsIpannedthecamerabackuptomyface,IsawhissmileandIcouldn’tstopgrinninglikeanidiot.

“Ya’llaresogross,”Katiemumbled.

“Drinkingenoughwater?”heaskedme,justlikehealwaysdid.

“Yes,Dad,”Isaidsarcastically.AsIalwaysdid.

“Okay,gottahurry.”Justashestartedtospeak,hisunit’scallsigncamethroughhisendofthephoneas

italltoooftendid.KatiesatupstraightandmovedintoviewsoshecouldseewhatIwasseeing,which
wasn’tmuch.

“Love you, baby,” Seth started, like he always did during these situations where a call for help

interruptedourphonecall.

Atleastwehadroutine,right?

“Iloveyou,Seth.Savethem,butdon’tbecrazy.Mamaandbabyneedyoutocomehome.”Thelatter

partwasafunnewaddition.

“Always.”Hewenttoclickoffthecall.

“TellMatttobesafe!Takecareofeachother!”Katiesaidasthecalldisconnected.Iwasn’tsureifhe

heardher.

BySeth’stally,wehadonlybeencutofflikethatafewtimes.Bymine,ithadbeenexactlyfifteenon

thatdeploymentalone.Yep,I’matotalcrazypersonwhotallieditsoIcouldkeephiminperspective.Not
towinafight,buttoremindhimhowmanytimesIwassoluckytohavehimcomebacktome.Iknow
thereweremanymoretimesthanIknewaboutthathewascalledout.ButtheseweretheonesIknewof.
TheseweretheonesIwasthankfulforeverysingletimeIsawhimagain,heardhisvoiceagain,orgotan
emailfromhimagain.

Thenexttwohourswererough,butalsoarealbondingmomentforKatieandme.Forthefirsttime,I

knewherfeelingsforMattrandeep,becauseshelookedjustlikeIprobablylookedeverysingletimeI
consideredthechancethatSethmightnotcomebackhome.

IgotanemailfromhimshortlyafterItoldKatiehowIfelteverytimethesethingshappenedandafter

she expressed having the same feelings. I shared some of my weird things I did to cope, and I tried to
makelightofthesituationbytellingherhowinloveshewas,butitwashardtojokearound.Wewere
worriedsick.

I opened the email on my phone and read it aloud so Katie would know what was going on and she

wouldknowIwasn’tfilteringanythingonherbehalf.

Hey,Mads.Sorryaboutthat.Youknowhowitgoes.Gotanothersave!Addittomytally!

IwasgoingtotellyouthatKatiecancomestay.YouknowIhavenoproblemwithit,andsincewe’re

offbaseyoushouldn’tneedtoworryaboutanypaperwork.NeithershouldI,thankfully.Youknowhow
muchIlovethatshit.ButIfeelworseforthepeoplewhohavetoreadmychickenscratch.Everyone’s
okay.Noshotstakenorfiredforourunit,anditlooksliketheguywepickedupfromCanadaisgoing
tobeokaytoo.I’mexhaustedthough.Goingtobed.I’mexcitedKatiewillbetherewithyouwhileI
can’t be. I’m sorry about that, baby. I hope you know how much I wish I could be there. I love you.
Sleeptighttonight,mysweetbabies.;)

“I’mgladhedidn’tsayanythingdirty.IsodonotwanttohearhowSethdirtytalks.”Katielaughed,

tryingtolightenthemood.

“Girl,youhavenoidea.”Iwinked.

Seth

“Duuuuuude,Istillcan’tbelieveyou’regonnahaveababy,”Mattsaidfromhismakeshiftroombeside

me.Welivedinalittlecityofsheetshungupfromtheceilingstothefloors,making“walls”forustohave
“privacy.”So,talkingthroughthewallswasalegitimatethingondeployment.

“Iknow.Ican’tbelieveKatie’smovingtoArizona.”Irepeatedlytossedasmallballupintheairand

caughtit.“Iguesswe’vebothgotalotgoingonbackhome.”

Itgotquietforafewseconds,andIrememberknowingitwasbecauseneitherofushadanythinggood

tosay,oranythingthatwecouldsaythatmightnotsoundlikeatotallie,becausewewerehavingoneof
thosedayswheretheluxuriesofhomeweresorelymissed.

“Yeah,man.Imisshomethistimearound,”Matttoldme.

“Metoobrother.Butwe’redoinggoodworkandaresoluckytohavebeenplacedonthesameshiftso

many times. It could be worse. You could be sharing a shift with Aaron. You know how he loves his
smellypotatochips.”Ilaughed,feelingalittlelighteraftermakingabitofajoke.

That’showwedidthingsthere.Wewouldbesad;thenwewouldmoveonfromitquickly.Wejokedto

forgetabouttheheartachesandplayedprankstokeepourmindsfromplayingaflashbackreeloftheshit
we’dseenthatday.

“So...areya’llgonnagetmarriedorwhat?”Iasked,pokingfunathim.Mattwasnevertherelationship

type,soseeinghimagreetoamovemusthavetakensomerealworkonKatie’spart.

“To be honest, I’ve thought about it. I know you’re gonna laugh. You’re probably already over there

smirking—”

“I’m not, man. I promise. I’m happy for you. It’s nice to see you settling down a little bit.” I really

meant it, too. I feel like the love I experienced with Maddie was something I wanted everyone to
experienceatleastonceintheirlives.MaybeKatiewashisMaddie.

“Thanks,dude.Yeah,Iloveherforsure.Iwonderifshecandealwiththemilitarylifestyle,though.

Youknow?”

Hedidn’thaveabadpoint.IneverreallyhadachancetoworryaboutMaddielearningtodealwiththe

militarylifestyle,butalltoooften,Iwonderedhowwewouldholdup,andifwewouldmakeitthrough
howevermanymoredeploymentsIhadleftinmyfuture.

Maddie

Timetickedby,andbeforeIknewit,Ionlyhadfourmonthsleftinmypregnancy.Sethwassettocome

homeinjustalittleoveramonth.Hewasgoingtobeheretoseeourbabybeborn,andIcouldn’thave
been more excited. We’d decided to find out the sex of the baby, and I had put it off until now. Seth
desperatelyneededsomegoodnewsonhissideoftheworld,andIcouldn’twaitanymoretostartbuying
babyclothes.Iwantedhimtobewithme,butIwasluckyKatiewaswithmeinhisabsence.

Katietookmetothedoctor,andwewaitedforwhatseemedlikehourstogettotheultrasoundroom.

Assoonaswewerethere,IsentSethanemailtocallme.

Myphonerangasthetechappliedcoldjellytomygrowingstomach.

“Youready?”sheaskedwithakindsmile.

“ReadyasI’lleverbe.Letmegethimonagoodconnection,”ItoldherasIpointedtomyphone.

“Hello,hotmami,”SethsaidwhenIansweredthecallonthefirstring,andIcouldhearthesmileinhis

tone.Itmademesmile.

“Youready,Daddy?”Iaskedhim,smilingback.

“Let’sdoit,”hesaidenthusiasticallyashedranksomeenergydrink.

Iputhimonspeakerasthetechfoundtheheartbeat.

Itwassomuchlouderthanithadbeeninpreviousvisits,andSethgaspedontheotherendofthephone.

“Isthat…herheartbeat?”hesaidquietly.

“It is,” I told him, smiling and listening to our baby’s heart pitter-patter through the moment, a

backgroundsongtoourongoinglovestory.“Why’dyousayherthough?”Igrinned.

“Goddamn,Maddie.Iloveyousomuch.”Icouldhearthecatchinhisthroatandknewhowbadlyhe

wantedtobehererightnow.Hedidn’tanswermyquestionastowhathemeantbycallingourbabyaher.

“Heresheisguys,yourbabygirl.”Thetechpointedtowhatwasclearlynotapenisandsmiled.

Istartedcrying.Katiestartedcrying.Sethwassilent.

“I’m having a baby girl!” he yelled and I heard a bunch of cheers and celebration in the background

behindhim.Itmademefeelateaseknowinghowclosehewastoalloftheguyshewasdeployedwith.I
knewtheyhadhisback,andithelpedmesleepatnight.

“Haveaname?”thetechaskedassheprintedpicturesofourbabygirl.

“Olivia,”Sethsaid,thatalltoocommonsmileinhisvoicepresentagain.

“Olivia,”Irepeatedafterhim,smilingatthetech.

Katiewasstillcrying.“I’mjustsoexcitedforyouguys!”Shewipedanothertearfromhereye.
“Quityourcrying,Katie!”Sethyelledlaughing.Heknewhertoowell.

Shelaughed,andIcoveredmybellybackupasthetechhandedmeourultrasoundphotographs.She

leftaftertellingmewhereIcoulddropmyhospitalgown,andassoonasIwasdressed,Isnappedquick
pictureswithmyphoneandsentthemovertoSeth’semail.HewasjokingabouthispeepshowwhileI
quicklychanged,butwhenhegotthephotos,hewentsilent.HeopenedthemjustasIpulledmyshirtover
myhead,andIsawhisfacelightup.

“Ohmygod,Maddie!She’sgotyoureyes!Ourlittlealienbaby,Olivia!”hejoked,tryingtolightenthe

mood. We both knew how hard it was for him to be there while I was on the other side of the world,
carryinghisbaby.

I laughed. “Don’t call her an alien anymore! She’s a baby girl! I guess I should start pricing shotgun

safes?”Iaskedwithaliltinmyvoice.

“You fuckin know it, baby,” he told me before continuing. “I need to run. We have medical Monday

today.Youknowhowitis;thetrainingneverends.ButohmyfuckinggodI’msoexcitedtoseeyouand
rubyourbellyandtalktoLiv.”

“MetooSeth.I’mdyingtobeinyourarmsagain.Thesestupidhormones.”Isighed.

“You’dbedyingwithoutthehormones.Youknowyoucan’tdenyit.”Helaughed.

“Youwish,loverboy!”Ipokedfunbackathim.

Hewasrightthough.Ourlovewasintense.I’dbedyingwithorwithoutpregnancyhormonesonboard.

Ineededhimherewithme.

Atleasthe’dbeherewhenshewasborn,IremindedmyselfaswehungupandKatietookmeoutfor

cupcakes.

Justwhatthepregnantladyneeded.

Seth

I missed everything about her. I missed how she looked with my hoodie on, so long it looked like a

dress.Iwonderedhowitwouldlookonherpregnantbelly.Iprobablywonderedabouthowshelooked
carryingourchildmorethanwasconsideredhealthy,butIkeptwonderinganyway.Iabsolutelycouldn’t
waittoholdherandtalktoherbelly.Imissedhowshebroughtsomuchchaostomymilitarylifestyle.I
missedlookingforherkeysbecauseshecouldn’trememberwhereshetossedthemdown,andthesame
forherbras.Shewouldjusttossthemwherevertheyfell,allaroundthehouse,themomentshewalked
through the door. She always said “Home is where the bra is not!” It made me smile. I missed messy
dresserdrawers.Imissedfindingthoselittleclipthingssheputinherhairtokeepherlittlebabyhairsout
of the way. They were always in the weirdest fucking places. Maddie could be very particular. If she
wantedacertainshirt,she’dtearthehouseaparttofindit.WhenMadswasonthehuntformyveryfirst
Air Force tee I ever brought home, she made quite the mess—every single time. I just missed the
hurricanethatwasMaddie.

Iemailedtotellherasmuch.ItwasimportanttomethatsherealizedhowmuchImissedeverysingle

piece of her. I even kind of missed the tantrums she would so often throw when I didn’t give in to her
requestsinasufficientamountoftime.Shecouldbereallybossy,inthatadorableandcutekindaway.

Itonlyseemedlikeafewdayslater,butwhatwasactuallyafewweekslater,Iwasonmywayhome.It

wouldn’tbeforlong,andIhadn’tbrokenthenewstoMadsyet.IwasdreadingtellingherIwouldn’tbe
there when our daughter was born. I cried for a solid night when I found out. Silently, in my bed I had
madeinourlittlegypsytownonbase.Mycountryneededmethough,andIknewMaddieunderstoodmy
needtohelpnotonlyoursoldiersbutthesekidsandwomenandinnocentcivilianscaughtinthemidstof
allofthegunfire.Iknewhowbaditwasgoingtofuckingsucktotellher,soIdidn’t.Icouldn’ttellthem
no. I couldn’t tell her no, either. It was a tough place to be in, so I kept it to myself for as long as I
possiblycould.Itwaseasierthanseeingtheheartbreakwrittenalloverherface.

MaddiesentmetextaftertextandselfieafterselfieoncesheknewIhadmyphoneturnedbackon.She

wassocrazy.Itwasandstilliskindofcrazyhowsheturnedmeon.She’dalwayssendfunnyfaceswhen
IwasconnectedtoWi-Fionmyflight,andanytimeIhadtheluxuryofhavingagoodsignalonbase,we’d
chatonanyrandomchatclientandflirtviatext.Theguysaroundmeliterallyneverletitgohowsheblew
upmyphone.Iguessitwouldbothersomeguys,butknowingIwasonhermindmademefeelgood.She
wasanaddictivedrug.Icouldn’tputherdown,andIcouldn’tnotanswerhermessages.Morethanthat
though,Icouldn’twaittofuckingseeher.Icouldn’twaittofeelherbodywrappedupinmine.Icouldn’t
waittoseethebellyshehadnow.Icouldn’twaittofeelmydaughterkick.Iwasreadytogethome,plain
andsimple.

WhenIgotherinmyarmsIdidn’twanttoletgo.ButIhadplans.Bigones.Wewereoneachother

beforeweevengotintothecar.Myhandwasonherthighthewholewayhome.Whenwegotinside,Iset
mybagdowngently,tookherhandwithoutturningonanylights,andguidedhertoourbedroom.

“What are you doing, crazy man?” She laughed at me. She knew I liked to see how she writhed in

pleasureunderneathmytouch.This“lightsoff”thingmadenosensetoher.

“Shhh.”Itookherlipswithmine.

“ButIworenewlacepanties!”Shepouted,whilesmilingagainstmykiss.

“Good,” I whispered back just before I bit down softly on her bottom lip. I ran my nose along her

jawlineuptoherear,thenspentsometimeonthatspotonherneckjustbelowherear.IsmiledwhenIfelt
thegoosebumpsbreakoutunderneaththelinesIwastracingwithmyfingertips,upanddownherarmsas
Ikissedher.

“Laydown,”IwhisperedasIbackedherupagainstthesideofourbed.IquicklyremovedmyshirtasI

shook my boots off. I could only see her from the moonlight and street lights streaming in through the
bedroomwindow,butfuckshelookedsogoddamngorgeous.

“Doyounotwanttoseemepregnant?”sheaskedshyly,suddenly,andveryquietly.

“Pshhh.Ican’twaittokissthatbelly.Ijustwannafeelyourightnow.Notbetakenawayanymorethan

Ialreadyambyhowstunningyoulookcarryingourchild,”IstartedasImovedclosertoher.

“IwannafeelthesegoosebumpsthatpopupwhenIdothis.”Iranmynowevenmoreruggedfingertips

along her inner thigh up to the point where her shorts put a stop to any additional movements from my
fingers.

“Oh.”Shegulped.“Nocomplaintsfromthepeanutgallerythen.”Shegiggled.

Igrowledundermybreathathergiggle.IknewIwasn’tgoingtolastafterbeinggonesolong,soIgot

toworkonthoseshortsasIleaneddowntokissheragain.Iliftedhershirtoverherbabybellyandkissed
her from the top of her now open denim shorts all the way up to her bra, trailing my fingers down her
bodyintheoppositedirection.WhenIslippedthemintohershorts,sheletoutagaspandherhipsbucked
upandintomyhand.

“Attagirl,”IwhisperedinherearasIteasedherthroughherpanties.

“Fuck.Seth.Ineedtotouchyou,”shepracticallybeggedme.

“No,ma’am,”IsaidasIslippedmyhandintoherpantiesandbeganplayingwithherclit.

Shegrippedmywrist.Nottostopme,butbecauseitfeltgood.Itwashertell.She’dneverbeableto

fakeitwithme.Iknewhowtogetherclose.Ifelthergripgettighter,andIknewshewaswhereIwanted
her.

Isatup,takingherinasIslippedmypantsandboxerbriefsoffatthesametime.Ifollowedsuitwith

hershortsandlacepanties.

Shewasjustlyingthereinherteeandabra,awaitingmynexttouch.Itwasabeautifulsighttoseeand

agloriousfeelingtohave.

OnceIknewshewasn’thangingontheedgeanymore,Itastedher.Sweetasalways.“Fuck,Icouldeat

this for the rest of my life.” I groaned as my cock began to really throb. “You taste so fucking good,
Mads.”Imoanedintoher.

Shewaswrithingundermyhandsandmouthandmoaningmyname,andifawoman’smoancouldbe

myundoing,herswastheonetodoit.

WhenIknewshewascloseagain,Islowlyslidmycockintoher.Shewaswhimperingformorewhile

IenjoyedeverysinglecentimeterasIslidintoher.

Ituggedherlegstopullhertotheedgeofthebedandslippedallthewayintoher,bothofuslettingout

aloudmoanatthesametime.

“Goddammit,Madelyn.”IgroanedasIjustrestedwithherlegsaroundmywaistandmyhipspressed

tohers.

“Youfeelsofuckinggood.”Shegroaned.“Pleasefuckme.”

Howcanyoudenyawomancarryingyourchildwhenshebegsyoutofuckher?

Ididn’t,soIwouldn’tknowtheanswertothatquestion.

Itriedtogoslow.Iwantedtoenjoyeverysensation.IknewIwasgoingbackquicklybecauseIhad

beendealingwiththestressofitforacoupleofdays.Shedidn’tthough.

Shedidn’tneedtoknowrightnow,either.

AsItookeveryinchofskinshegaveme,IrememberedwhyIdowhatIdo.Idoittocomehometothe

beautifulgirlIcallmywife.

WhenIfinishedandcamedeepinsideofher,Ifelthercometoo.Shenevercouldholdbackwhenshe

feltmeemptymyselfintoher.

“Fuck.”Shemoanedsoftly.

“Mmmhmm.”Ismiledather.“Berightback.”

Shenoddedagainstmyshoulder,andIgotupandquicklycleanedmyselfoffbeforeturningonthelight

andwalkingtowardheragain.

“Nowaboutthisbeautifulbelly,”Istarted.

ShegrinnedasIcurledupbesideher,talkingtoourunbornchild.Iwasrunningmyfingertipsalongher

belly,kissinghercheeks,playingwithherhair.IwasdoinganythingandeverythingIcouldtotakeherin.

Iknewitwouldn’tbeforlong,anditwasbreakingmyheart.ButIwasdeterminedtosoakupevery

singlebitofgoodIcouldbeforeIbrokethenews.

Maddie

IhadmyheadinSeth’slaponthecouchaswewerewatchingTV.Weweretooobsessedwitheach

other to let go after the incredible sex the night before when he took me slowly, his tall frame, leaning
over mine and his rough hands on my soft skin. I really couldn’t have asked for a better night with my
husband,andIfeltfoolishforassuminghehadn’twantedtoseemygrowingbelly.

He was playing with my hair, and I was staring up at him. He had more facial hair from this

deployment.Itwassexybutwouldbegonebeforehehadtogotoworktomorrow.Norestforthewicked.
BorderpatrolstillneededtheirhelpuntilthenextgroupofPJscamein,sojustadayoffandthenacouple
ofdaystogetmedicallycleared.Thenwork,wherehe’dbegonefordaysonend,tryingtorunthedrug
cartelawayfromtheborder.Ihatedmissinghim.Butmomentslikethesemadeeverysecondofmissing
himworthit.

Ireachedupandranmyfingertipsalongthescruffgrowingonhisjaw.“Thisisprettysexy,Blaze,”I

toldhim,grinning.

“Mmm?” he answered as he caressed my arm, up and down slowly, while we talked about the little

thingsinlife.

“Mmmhmm,”Ihummedback.

“Sorry,baby,youknowIgottashaveit.”Heleaneddowntokissme.

“Yeah,Iknow.Don’tworry;you’rejustassexywithoutit.”IwinkedasIkissedhimback.

Iwasinapairofleggingswithhishoodiecoveringmybelly.Mydarkbrownhairwaspulledupina

loosebunonthetopofmyhead.Isatuptostretch,andhishoodierosejustabovemywaist,showinga
sliverofmybelly.

“Gimme that baby.” He grinned as he leaned over, pulled the hoodie up over my belly, and began

talkingtoOlivia.

“Iloveyousomuch,littlegirl.Bothofyou,”hewhisperedasherestedhisheadonmychest.Heletout

a loud groan and ran his hand over his buzzed hair, down his face, and across the scruff I had been
admiringallnight.“Fuck,Maddie,I’vegottotellyousomething,andyou’reprobablygoingtohateme,”
hesaidwithasadnessinhisvoiceashesatup.Heranhishandsdownhisfaceagain,andIknewwhat
wascoming.MystomachdroppedlikeIwasatthetopofarollercoasterabouttogowaydown,waytoo
fast.

“You’releavingagain?”Iaskedinanalmostwhisper.

Henoddedsolemnly.

“When?”

“Amonth,”heansweredmatter-of-factly.

“So…youwon’tbeherewhenshe’sborn?”Iasked,rubbingmybelly.

“IsitbadthatI’mhopingshecomesearly?”Heshrugged.

Helookedsodefeated.Itwasimpossibletobemadatamanwhohadtochoosebetweenhiscountry

and his family, but I wanted to be so mad. I wanted to want to punch him in his fucking teeth. But I
couldn’t.Iwouldn’t.Itwasjustasmuchmyjobasitwashisnow,andwewereparents.Hiswinswere
mywinsnow.Hislosseshurtmetoo.Whileindifferentcapacities,weservedtogethernow.Iwasproud
tobethewifeofanAirForcePararescueman,andItriedtorememberthesethingsasmyangerthreatened
toboil.Afterafewseconds,remindingmyselfwewereateamandwe’dgetthroughthistogetherhelped
merefrainfrompunchinganyoneintheteeth,thankfully.

Iswallowedtheknotforminginmythroatandpulledhisheadbacktomychest.

“It’sgoingtobeokay,baby.Ipromise,”hemurmured.

“Iknow,”Isaid,closingmyeyesmomentarilytofightthetearswellinginmyeyes.“Iknow.”

I wish I believed it as much as I made him think I believed it. We spent the rest of the night just

wrappedupineachotheronthecouch.Itwasn’tsexy,butitwassosexyatthesametime.Wedidn’thave
tobenakedanddirtytobeclosetooneanother.Beingnearhimwasenoughafternothavingthatforso
long.Iwasgoingtobestrongenoughtodothisforhim.Forus…allofus.

Seth

My wife was fucking incredible. She deserved to be angry, and instead she held in her tears and

consoledme.Iknewshewantedtocry.Mystronggirllikedtopretendshecouldhideheremotionsfrom
me.Shecouldn’t.But,Iknewitmadeherfeelstronger,soIletherdowhateverhelpedherthemost.

Shedeservedtobefuckingwrecked,butshestayedstrong.Iknewhowshe’dcryintheshowertohide

itfromme,though,andIwouldbedammedifIwasgoingtolethercrythisoutalone.IfIwashomeand
caughtit,Iwouldbethatshouldersheneededtocryon.SothenextmorningwhenIwasgearingupto
headoutforborderpatrolworkandtheshowerwason,Iknewexactlywhatwasgoingon,andtherewas
no way in fucking hell that I was going to be in the same home with her and let her cry all by herself,
hidingfrommeinthefuckingshower.Iwouldbelate.Fuckit.

IsentaquicktexttoMattandtoldhimI’dbethereassoonaspossibleandtopleasedoeverythingin

hispowertokeepmefromgettingtheshitendofthe“you’reintrouble”stick.

I opened the door quietly and slipped in. I pulled my camis back off and peeked inside the shower

door,whichwasallfoggy.Shewassittingonthewhitetiledfloorinthecornerofourlargeshowerwith
herheadonherknees.

WhenIopenedthedoor,sheimmediatelytriedtomakeitlooklikeshewasn’tcrying,butherswollen

eyesgavethatlieawayinstantly.

“Ijustcan’tgetup.Ithoughtyou’dalreadyleft.”Shesmiled.“Preggobellyisathing!”shesaid,still

tryingtosellmeonthisexcuseshe’dpulledoutofherass.

“Bullshit,Mads.”Ihelpedheroffthefloorandpulledherintomyarms,thescorchinghotwaterraining

overus.

Thatwasthelastmatchtotheflame.Shebrokedownandsobbedinmyarmsforasolidtenminutes.I

didn’tknowwhattosay.Iwasnevergoodatthisshit.So,Ijustheldher.Ishushedherlikeababy,rocked
herinmyembrace,andremindedherhowfarwe’dcome.

“We’regoingtobeokay,youknow?I’llmakeKatievideocall,andI’llbetherethewholetime.Iknow

it’snotthesame.IknownothingIcandowillmakeitthesameasmebeingthere.ButI’malwaysthere.
I’malwayshere,”Isaidintoherhair.

“Ijustwanthertoseeyourface,”shesobbed.

“Baby, our little girl is going to see my face so much she’ll be sick of it.” I smiled and kissed her

forehead.“Ipromise.”

Shenodded,takingadeepbreathandkissingme.“I’msorryI’msuchamess.I’mreallytryingtobe

strong,”shesaidinthemostdefeatedvoiceI’deverheard.

Fuck,Iwassuchanasshole.Ilookedatherandhadnowords.Isearchedhereyesandthenpulledher

facetomine.Irestedourforeheadstogether.“Madelyn,you’rethemostamazingwomanIknow,”Isaid
softlyagainstherlips.“Neverapologizeforhavingemotions.It’soneofthemanyreasonsyou’rethelove
ofmylife.”Ikissedhersoftly.

Iknewthiscouldgetoutofhandquickly,andIreallydidn’twanttodealwiththewrite-upifIwaslate,

butIneededhersobad.

Ikissedherdeeplyandgentlypushedherbacktotheseatintheshower.Isatherdownandkissedher

neckslowly,stoppingtosuckonthatspotjustbelowherpulsepoint.Herheadleanedback,andIknew
thatattheveryleast,Icouldhelpherbodyrelax,evenifIcouldn’thelphermindrelax.

“Don’tbelate.Thanksforcheckingonme.I’mokay,”shesaidsweetly.“It’sjustthehormones.”She

leanedherheadbackagainsttheshowerwall.

“Shhhh,”Iwhisperedbeforetakinghermouthhostageagain.Islidmyhandsdowntoherfullbreasts

andtoyedwithhernipplesasIcontinuedkissingher,beforedroppingdowntomyknees.

“Seth,you’regoingtobelate.”Shesighed,lookingdownatme.

“Ifyousayanythingelseoutsideof‘fuckthatfeelssogood,Seth,’youandIaregonnahaveproblems,

littlelady,”Isaidsternly.

Shegrinned,andthesmileactuallyreachedhereyes.“Yes,sir,”shecooed.

Fuck.

I kissed from her right knee all the way up the outside of her thigh, then across her thigh and to the

inside.Itookmytimethere.ImadesureIleftplentyoftimeforstoppingtoletmytongueslipintothat
spotwhereherlegsandbeautifulpussymet.Thatalwaysdroveherwild.

“Ughhh. Please. Seth.” She groaned, running her hands along my arms, which were resting on either

sideofherhips.

Igrinnedintoherinnerthigh,bitingsoftlybeforekissingbackdowntoherknee,muchtoherdisdain.

She was squirming, and if looks could kill, I’d be dead. She looked ready to shoot me down. So, I

moved to her left leg and repeated the process. When I got back down to her knee, I ran my fingertips
alongthetopsofherthighsupanddownafewtimesbeforeIpushedherlegsapart.

Ilickedupherslitonetime,swiftly,notevendippingmytonguein,andshetensedupandshivered.

“Relax,Mads,”Iwhisperedintoherleg.

Ilookedupather,andshenoddedandleanedherheadbackagainstthetile.Islippedmytongueback

downherslitbeforelettingitdipintoherwetness.“Mmmm.Baby.”Imoaned.

Iwashardasarock,andwhensheaskedmetolethertakecareofme,itwasreallyhardtosayno.I

didthough.Itoldherno,andjustasshewascomingdownfromherfirstclimax,Ibroughtherbackto
anotherbysuckingonherclitandfingeringher.Itwasn’trough.Itwasslow,sensual,andfuckingsexy
havingherfallapartonmyhandsandmouth.

Whenshefinishedthesecondtime,shewasmostlymush.

Ismiled,pickedherup,andshutoffthewater.Iwrappedherinatowelandsetheronthebed,leaning

downtokissherforeheadsoftly.“Thatwasfuckingbeautiful,Madelyn,”Isaidbeforegrabbingmycamis

fromthebathroomandslippingthemonagain.

“Whereareyougoing?Youcan’tgotoworklikethat.”Sheeyedthebulgeinmypants.

“I can, and I will. I’ve suffered through worse with those dirty little texts you used to send. At least

todayIcantasteyouonmylips.”Ismirkedather,andshesmiled.“Ican’tbetoolate.”Igrabbedoneof
myT-shirtsoutofthedresserdrawerforher.“Situp,hotstuff.”

ShedidasIsaid,andIslippedmyshirtoverherheadandthengothercomfortableinourbed.Itucked

herin,tuckedherhairbehindherear,andkissedhercheek.

“Iloveyou.”Itoldherassheturnedherheadtowardminetokissmeback.

“Iloveyouthemost.”Shesmiled.“Nowgo,beforeyougetintroubleorsomething.AndSeth?Thank

you.Fortakingcareofme…andnotjustlikeyoudidintheshower.Always.Nowgo.Ican’thaveyou
beinglateonmybehalf.”Shecurledbackupinourbed,herbigmaternitypillowbetweenherlegs.

“Iwon’t,baby.IalreadytalkedtoMatt.Restuptoday.WhenIgethomelater,youandIaretakingatrip

toPoundTown.”Ikissedhersoftlyoncemorebeforestartingtowardthedoor.

Shelaughed.Iknewshewould.Itmademesmile.Shemademesmile,almostalways.

“Deal. These hormones got me like a rabid animal that just wants to visit Pound Town every single

day.”Shegiggled.

Ilovedthatgiggle.Ilovedthatblushonhercheekswhenshetalkedaboutsex,evenjokingly.

God,Ilovedthiswoman.

Iranbackovertoherquicklyandkissedheroncemorebeforeheadingoutthedoorforwhatwould

hopefullybeashortshift.Icouldn’twaittocomehomeandhaveherinmyarmsagain.IfI’mhonest,I
couldn’twaittobeinsideofheragain,either.Icouldn’twaittotakeheragain.Icouldn’twaittotasteher
again,eventhoughhertastewasstillonmytongue.Shewasimpossibletopushoutofmybrain.

Maddie

I was fucking crushed to learn Seth had decided to take another tour so close to Olivia’s due date.

Didn’thewanttoseehisdaughterbeborn?Ofcoursehedid.Iconstantlyhadtoremindmyselfhewas
doingwhathethoughtwasbestnotonlyforhiscountrybutalsoforourfamily.Itwasn’teasy,anditreally
tookit’stollonme.Itriednottoletit,butmywillpowerwasneverreallyenoughtogetmethroughthe
shittytimes,andhimbeinggoneforourdaughter’sbirthdaywasashittytime.

Hisfirstpatrolintotheborderlastedtwodays.SothatwholePoundTownthingwetalkedaboutdidn’t

happenasplanned.Plansneverreallywentoffastheyweresupposedto;thatwasjustpartofthemilitary
lifestylewewerenowaccustomedto.

Weneverhadalotofcommunicationwhenhewasworkingstateside,butIwasabletocheckonhis

statusaloteasierbycallingaroundtheunit.Whenhegothomefromhisfirstpatrol,Iwasinthekitchenin
histeethat,despitebeingsuperlongonmenormally,wasjustbarelycoveringmybelly.Icouldn’twaitto
benotpregnantanymore.IwasjammingouttosomeOneDirectionwhileIbakedaloafofbananabread,
dancingaroundinmysocksandtee.Ididn’tevenhearhimcomein,whichwasweirdbecauseifthere
wasonethingSethwasn’t,itwasquiet.Thatmanmademorenoisegettingdressedthanatoddlermakes
atthezoo.Hehadzerochillwhenitcametoquiettimes.Hesnuckupbehindmeandkissedmyneck,and
Iletoutabloodcurdlingscream.

Itscaredtheshitoutofme.

“Woundup,baby?It’sjustme,”hewhisperedintomyearashewrappedhisarmsaroundmygrowing

belly.

Ilaughedandintertwinedmyfingerswithhisasherubbedmybelly.Oliviakicked,andIgroaned.

“Whoa,”Sethexclaimed.“Doesshedothatallthetime?”

Itwaslostonmeforafewmomentsthathe’dneverfeltherkick.Thatwasprobablyaprettyspecial

momentforhim,andoneItookforgrantedsometimes.

“Always,butnotusuallythathard.”Ismiled.

MyphonebuzzedwithatextfromKatie,checkingonme.IletherknowSethwashome,andshesent

mebackemoji’sthatIthinkweresupposedtomeanpeoplewerefucking.Ilaughedandclosedmyphone,
tossingitonachairjustoverthebarinourkitchen.

Oliviakickedagain.Thistime,though,itfeltlikeshebrokemyrib.

Idoubledover,grippingthecountertopforsupport,myknucklesturningwhite.Sethjumpedbackand

watchedme.

“Mads?”

“I’mokay.Justgivemeasecond,”Isaidthroughclenchedteethandshortenedbreath.

I’d been having small contractions for a couple of weeks, but the doctor said not to worry. It was

normaltofeelsomeminorcontractionsandsomepainleadinguptothedeliveryday.So,Ididn’tworry.I
wasn’tworriedeventhoughthisonewasdefinitelydifferent.Iassumedshehadgottenherselfintoatight

fitandIgottotakethebruntofhergettingcomfortable.

UntilIlookeddownandsawthefluiddrippingdownmylegs.

Iwatchedthewarm,clearfluidleakdownmylegforasecondbeforelookinguptomeetSeth’seyes.

Hewastednotime.

“Let’sgo.Doyouhaveabagpacked?”Sethasked.

“No.WhywouldIhaveabag?It’stooearly!”Iwasveryclosetofreakingthehellout.

“It’sokay.Takeadeepbreath,Mads.YouandI?Unstoppable.Wegotthis.”Hewalkedmeouttohis

truckandgotmeinthepassengerside.Hekissedmytemplebeforejoggingovertothedriver’ssidedoor.
Heopeneditquickly,startedthetruck,andturnedontheairconditioning.“Berightback.”Hesmiledas
heleanedover,kissedmycheek,andbuckledmein.

“I’mpregnant,notachild.”Igroanedashewalkedbackinside.Hecouldn’thear,thankfully.

IwasgladhewasexcitedandhappyIhadahusbandwhowouldtakecareofme.Iwasblessed,but

goodLordhereallyknewhowtodrivemecrazy.

Hecamebacktothetruckwithadufflebagfullofwhoknewwhat,andweheadedforthehospital.

Oncewewereontheroad,hecalledmydoctorandIstartedtofreakoutagainashespoke.

“Yes,ma’am.Herwaterbrokeinourkitchen.”

“Yes,ma’am.Clear.”

“Okay.Thankyou.”

Myminorfreak-outwasbecomingafull-onpanicattackashehungupwithher,andhesawitinmy

facebeforeIevenrealizedthetearswerestartingtoflow.

“I’mnotready,Seth.Idon’tevenhavehercribputtogether.It’stooearly!”Icried.

Heslippedmyhandintohisandpulledittohismouth,kissingeachofmyknuckles.Thenhesqueezed

myhandthreetimesandrestedourhandsinhislapashedrovecalmlytothehospital.

Iwasgladoneofushadourwitsaboutus.

“Shh. It is early, but it’s not too early.” He brought my hand up and kissed it again. “She’s a strong

baby.Thirty-twoweeksisn’tgoingtobelife-threatening.Wemightspendextratimeinthehospitalwith
her,butshe’sgoingtobeokay.Ipromise,Madelyn,”hesaidwithconviction.

Itwashardnottobelievehim.

So,Idid.

Wegottothehospital,andtheygotustoaroomratherquickly.Igotanepidural,andmydoctorcamein

toseehowIwasdoing.Iwasabsolutelymortifiedfromallofthechecksandhowpeoplejustexpected
metoshowmyvaginatotheworld,butSethwasthereeverystepoftheway.HeheldmyhandwhenIgot
scared.HeencouragedmewhenIfeltlikeIhadnoenergyleft.Hestayedontopofthenursesanddoctors

aboutmymedicationsandpaincontrol.Icouldn’thaveaskedforabetterpartnertobirthababywith.

Oliviawasbornwithoutmuchcomplication,andtoSeth’sdelight,hewasright.Shewasokay.They

tookhertotheNICUjusttocheckherout,butsheshowednosignsoftrouble.Holdingherinmyarms
wasoneofthebestmomentsofmylife.It’sweird,theloveyouhaveforachildyou’venevermet.Seeing
theirfacemakeseverythingrightintheworldagain.I’llneverforgetthatfeeling,butifI’mhonest,there
willneverbeanotherfeelingquitelikeseeingSethholdhisnewborndaughterforthefirsttime.Ihave
neverseensomuchcompassion,somuchlove,andsomuchprotectioninonegaze.Shewasthesizeof
hisforearm,andhehandledherlikeshewasaneggthatwouldcrack.Theybothstolemyheartaway.

Thebondwasinstant,andIknewhewasgoingtobethebestdadanychildcouldhopefor.

Seth

IfeltalittleguiltyforhopingOliviawouldgetherebeforeIhadtoleaveagain,butwhenIsawthat

little girl for the first time, any guilt I had disappeared instantaneously. Olivia was perfect. She was
healthy and beautiful, and suddenly I couldn’t imagine my life without her. The love I felt for this tiny
humanI’donlyjustmetwasintenseandeverlasting.

Iwasafather.IwasOlivia’sfather,andIwoulddoanythinginmypowertomakeherlifecomfortable

andcomplete.

OurparentsandMaddie’ssister,Cami,cametovisit,andtheystayedwithMadsinthehospitalafew

timessoIcouldgooutandpickupthingswe’dyettobuy.IputOlivia’scribtogetherandinherroom,
made her bed, and hung the pictures Maddie had picked out. Her room was almost as beautiful as she
was.Ihadn’ttoldMaddieIwasdoinganythingotherthanpickingupessentials.ItoldherIwaspicking
upabassinetuntilwehadtimetogetthecribputtogether.And,Ididpickupabassinetforourbedroom,
butonlybecauseIreallydidn’tlovetheideaofmybabygirlsleepingtoofarawayfromme.

Thesecretwassohardtokeepandhardtodowhilealsowantingtobeatthehospitalwithmygirls

everyhouroutofeverydaytheywerethere.Butbetweenourfamiliesandme,wegoteverythingtogether
beautifullyjustintimeforustobringOliviahome.

Maddie’stearsstreameddownherfaceassherockedOliviainthegliderIhadsetupinthenurseryfor

them.

“Thisisalljustsobeautiful,Seth.Youdidanamazingjob.Iloveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyou,”shesaid

throughhertears.

“I love you too hot mama.” I smiled as I kissed the top of her head and then leaned down to kiss

Olivia’sforehead.

“I’mgoingtohateleaving,”Imurmured.“I’veneverwantedtoleaveyou,butIknewyou’dbeokay.I

knewwe’dstayintouch.”IsoftlyrubbedOlivia’sheadfullofbrownhair.“Now,thethoughtofleaving
terrifiesme.Whatifshedoesn’tknowmewhenIgetback?”Ikissedbothofthemagainandthentooka
seatonthefloornexttothegliderMaddiewasrockingLivin.

“She’sgoingtoknowyou,Seth.I’llmakesureofit,”Maddietoldmeasshewatchedme.Thesheer

determinationinherfacewasallIneededtoletmeknowshemeantbusiness.Hellhathnofurylikemy
Madsonamission.Iknewwe’dmakeit.Thingswouldbeokay.Thingswouldbefuckinghard,butthey
wouldbeokay,andthatgavemehope.

Olivia grew like a weed leading up to my deployment date. I swear it felt like every single time I

looked at her, something had changed. I was going to miss seeing those changes every day. She was
lookingatthingsandcooingandtakingintheworldaroundher.Beinganewparentwastiring,butevery
timeIsawherbeautifulface,IforgotallabouthowtiredIwas.Iforgotallabouthowmywifemostly
livedinoldT-shirtsthathadpukeonthem.Iforgotaboutallthehardstuffandonlysawthegood.Ihad
themostbeautifulfamilyintheentireworld.

Mywifewasincredible.Maddiewassupermom.EvenwhenItriedtohelpoutwithstuffandgiveher

abreak,shetoldmenotto.ShetoldmetospendtimewithLiv.Maddiesaiditwasbecauseshewantedto
getusedtodoingthingsonherown,andthatbrokemyheart.ShealsotoldmeitwasbecauseIneededto

bondwithLivbeforeIleft.Thatbrokemyfuckinghearttoo.IrarelytoldMaddieno,andthistimewasno
exception,thoughIdidsneakawaytowashbabybottlesandstartloadsoflaundrywhenshe’dfallasleep
withLivonherchest.

Webothknewourparentswouldbehereonandofftovisit,andhermomofferedtocomestaywithher

through my deployment. Her mother drove her absolutely batty, so she declined and reminded her mom
thatKatiewastherenowandshewouldhavehelp.Butwhenthelightswereoutatnightanditwasjust
Maddieandmelyinginbedtalking,sheadmittedshewasscaredofdoingitallalone.Iremindedherof
herwords,thatshehadKatiehere,butitdidn’tdomuchgood.Maddiedidn’tliketoputpeopleout,and
shefeltlikeaskingKatieforanythingwouldmeanKatiewasgoingoutofherwaytohelp.Itworriedme,
butIcouldn’tdwellonit.Ihadtobelievemywifewasstrongenoughtodothis.IalsoknewKatiewould
neverletMaddiedothingsonherownthatshedidn’tneedto.Shewasagoodfriend,onetrueconstantin
mywife’slife.

I’dnevercriedwhentellingmywifegood-byeattheairport,butthedayIleftforAfghanistanforthe

firsttimeasafather,Icried.IhadnoshameinthetearsIshedasIsatontheplanewaitingtodepart.Matt
satwithme anddidhis besttoreassure metheywould beokay, andIknew hewasright. Iwasreally
going to miss seeing my child. I was really going to miss seeing my wife. To be fucking honest, I was
goingtomisssomuchofthemtogetherthatitmademystomachtwistintobigknots.

Ididn’thavetomissseeingthemthough.NotasmuchasIthoughtIwould.Maddiesentmeatleastone

pictureeverysingleday,andusuallywaymore.Openingmyemailwasoneofmygreatestjoysoverseas.
SeeingOliviagrowandwatchingheronvideocallsmademydeploymentbearable.Atthesametime,it
made me feel fucking terrible. I was still fucking bummed I wasn’t there to see it in person, but I was
thankfultechnologyallowedustostayintouchandstaytogetherwhileIwasdeployed.

This deployment wasn’t much different than the prior deployments outside of the sheer number of

injurieswetreated.Ifeltlikewerepackedoursupplybagstwentytimesaday.Atonepoint,Ihonestly
lostcounthowmanycallswerecomingin.Someofthecalls,wewereneverclearedtotravelto.Someof
them,wetraveledtoonlytofindtherehadbeenamiscommunication.Butwhenwesaved,wesavedbig.I
hadnokillsthisdeploymentandIhadafucktonofsaves.Itcould’vebeenmuchworseforme.

By the time I got home, Olivia was six months old. She was pretty much crawling. It was more like

scooting, and it was the most adorable thing I’d ever laid eyes on. Her dark brown hair, just like her
mom’s,wasn’tfallingoutlikeeveryonesaiditwould.Itwasgrowing!Shehadtightlittleringletcurlsthat
neither of us could figure out where they came from. She had a little personality. She was reaching for
thingsandhadfavoritetoys.Sometimessheevensoundedlikeshewastryingtostringtogetherwordsfor
sentencesbecauseshehadsomuchtosay.

Gettinghometoholdmysix-month-oldbabyisoneofthehighlightsofmylife.IfeltalittlelikeIdid

on the day she was born, when I finally got to hold her in my arms again. I can remember being so
terrifiedthatshe wasgoingto crywhenI heldher.My fearwas arealitywhen Ifirsttook herintomy
arms,too.SheletoutaloudwailandlookedaroundimmediatelyforMaddie,butassoonasIsoothedher
andsheheardmyvoice,shesnuggledrightintomyarms.ItwasthefirsttimeIrealizedIcoulddefinitely
benotonlyahusbandandafather,butalsoaPJ.IknewIcoulddoitall,becauseourfamilywasstrong.

Itturnsoutthough,thatmyfaithinmyselfwasnotalwayssharedbymywife.Shewasbeginningtoget

run down. She wanted Olivia to know me. She wanted me to be there for all of her milestones. She
wantedallthethingsIwantedbutwasnotabletogiveher,andbythetimeOliviawastwo,Iwasreally

scaredoflosingmyfamily.

Maddie

The first year of Olivia’s life, she spent about three months with Seth. It broke my fucking heart. I

wantedmydaughtertoknowherfather,andwhileIknewhisjobwasimportant,Iwastorn.Iwantedwhat
wasbestformyfamily,evenifthatmeantSethmakingthechoicenottosignhisreenlistmentcontract.I
didn’tsayanythingtohimthough,becauseIwantedtosupporthim.Iwantedtobethegoodwife.Ididn’t
wanttobecomethiswomanhehatedandresentedfor“making”himgetoutoftheservice.So,Isatby
whilehehummedandtappedhispenwhenheconsideredwhathewoulddo.IpretendedIwasfinewith
whateverhechose.

Katie and Matt continued their relationship, which was easy enough without a baby in the picture, I

realized.AllthattimeIspentupsetwhenSethwasn’tthere,lookedchildishincomparisontowhatlife
lookedlikewithOlivia.Iwantedeverythingforher.Shedeservedit.Iwentbetweenbeingangryathim
tobeingangryatmyselfforbeingangryathim.Therewerealotofconflictingemotions.AllIknewwas
thatthiswasn’tokaywithme.Icouldn’tsitbyandlethimwatchhischildgrowupviapicturesandvideo
calls.IrefusedtoletSethbecome“that”dad,becausewhenhewashome,hewasthebestdadanychild
couldaskfor.

OliviahadSeth’sdarkbrownhair,alotofitforatoddler.Shehadbeautifulhazeleyesthatreminded

meofhimeverysingletimeIlookedintothem.Itstung.Butlikealways,whenhewashome,thingswere
amazingandIstartedtodoubtmysanity.WasIonlycrazywhenhewasn’taround?Washemysafetynet?
Whywasn’tIjustasmadwhenhewashomeasIwaswhenhewasgone?Iwasatmywit’send,likea
rubberbandthathadbeenstretchedtoofarandwasabouttosnap.

BythetimeLivwastwo,Ireallyhadprettymuchlostmymind.Ihadabsolutelynointerestinstayinga

militaryfamily.Iwasangryatourgovernmentandourmilitaryfortakingsomuchofmylifeawayinsuch
bigchunksoftime.Ihatedit.Itwasirrational,andIknewit,butIalsoknewIneededmyhusbandand
Olivianeededherdad.Iwasstuckinareallyhardplace,anditbrokemyheart.

One night, right before Seth was getting ready to come home from yet another deployment, was

particularlybad.Hewasstatesideandfinallyhadaccesstoaphoneforlongerthanafewminutes—and
aloneinahotelroom.ItwasusuallywhenwestartedtomakeupandIstartedtofeelbetteraboutlife.
Therewasalwaysthisconstantebbandflow.Thesenightsofdeploymentswereusuallytheeasynights.

“You’rebeingcrazy,Mads,”hetoldme.Inhindsight,hewasright,butatthetimeIreallythoughthe

wasalunaticforcallinghiswife“crazy.”

“Me?I’mcrazy?”Irememberyelling.“You’retheonewho’sonlyseenyourdaughtersixmonthsoutof

herentirefuckinglife,Seth.Ican’tdothisanymore.”Istartedcrying.

“IthinkI’mgoingtogobacktoLouisianaandbewithfamily,”Isobbed.IknewIcouldn’t.Cashwas

cominginforSeth’sreturnasasurprisewelcomehome.Wemighthaveourproblems,butnooneonthe
outsideknewit,atleastnotfromme.Ireallywantedtokeepmyfamilytogether,butIwasattheendof
myropeandlosingmygriponwhatahealthyrelationshipwassupposedtolooklike.

Hestayedsilentforafewbeats.“Maddie,I’llbehomeinthreedays.PleasestayputuntilIgetthere,”

hepleadedwithme.

I didn’t say anything at first, just sniffled, wiping my tears and my snot on his hoodie that I was

wrappedupinonthecouch.IwatchedthebabymonitorasIsniffledagain.

“We’vebeenthroughtoomuchtobehere.We’llfigurethisout.Wehaveto.You’retheloveofmylife.

Pleasestayput.Iamfuckingbeggingyou,babygirl.”

Sethwasn’tabeggingkindofguy.Hepreferredtobebegged,sotohearthedesperationinhisvoice

wasmorethanunnerving.HesoundedlikeIfelt.I’msureIsoundedjustasbad.IowedittothemanI
lovetohearhimoutoverhisdecisiononsigninganewcontractbeforeItoreourfamilyapart.

Itookashakybreathandsaidokay.Iheardhimstartingtosay“Iloveyou”asIhungupthephoneandit

brokemyhearttocontinuetopresstheendcallbuttonanyway,butIwasjustsoexhausted.Icleanedmy
face a little and locked all the doors, then crawled into my bed where my two-year-old little girl was
snugglingwithateddybearSethhadcustommadeoutofsomeofhisrattyuniformsfromthepast.

Mylovewasrunningout.Thecupoflovedidn’toverflowwhenhewasneverwithus,andIwasso

sickoftherollercoasterofemotionsIwentthrough.Ifeltlikeapersoncrazyinlovewithherhusband
andherfamilyeverysingletimehecamehome,onlytohavehimleaveagainwaytoosoonandmakeme
feellikeskinandbones.Ihatedwonderingifhewasgoingtocomebackthesameman,orifhewasgoing
tocomebackatall.Warhadchangedhim,butwhenweweretogether,hewasalwaysmySeth,unlessit
wasaparticularlybadnightforhimsleep-wise.ItwasjustthatthetimesIactuallysawmySethwereso
fewandfarbetween,andImayaswellhavebeenmarriedtosomeonewholivedontheothersideofthe
world.IfIwashonestwithmyself,Ihadnoideawherehisheadactuallywas.

IcuddledOliviathatnight,andIcriedmyselftosleep.

IwokeuptoanemailfromSeth.

You can’t just walk away from us, Madelyn. We’re too important. She’s too important. I love you

morethananythinginthisworld.Evenmyjob.Pleasedon’tgiveuponme.

Iemailedhimbackquickly.

I’m sorry for the shit I said. I love you. I’m just tired, Seth. I deserve to have my husband, and

Olivia deserves to have her father. I’m a wreck. I don’t know how I can possibly survive another
deployment.

KatiecameandstayedwithusfortheremainingtwodaysofSeth’stravelbackhome,eventhoughshe

wasonlyafewmilesawayandherapartmentwasmuchnicerthanthebasehousingwewerein.Shewas
thebestfriendIcouldhaveeveraskedfor.

Thenightbeforehearrived,therewasaterroristattackinanairportnearamilitarybaseinVirginia.It

brokemyheart.Theinformationcominginseemedliketheattackwasdirectedatmilitaryfamilies.The
terrorists bombed the family members while they were waiting for their loved ones to come back from
war.

Toomanypeopledied.Toomanypeoplegotinjured.Menwhohadservedforyearsandneverwere

injured lost their lives trying to come home to their families. It wasn’t right, and it was enraging. I
couldn’tunderstandhowpeoplecouldactuallytreatanotherhumanlifethatway.Italsomadethattwinge
ofguiltIfeltforbeingangrywithSethpopup.

FamilieswhoprobablyhadalotofthesameemotionsIdidlosttheirwholeworldsintheblinkofan

eye.TheMarinesarrivingthatdaywereabletoeithertakedownorcaptureallbutoneoftheterrorists,
anditwastheonlypositivelightIcouldfindfromthewholeordeal.

ItriedtocallSethtotellhimwhatwashappening,ortofindoutifheknewanythingmore.IknewCash

livedinVirginia,butIwasprettysurehe’dalreadyheadedthiswayforhissurprisetobetherewhenSeth
arrivedbackstateside.

IsentCashaquicktext.

Hey,letmeknowwhenyouland.TerroristattackinVirginia.Justneedtoknowyou’reokay.xo.

SecondslaterIgotatextback.

Thanksforcheckingonme.I’mokay.JustlandedinArizonaaboutthirtyminutesago.Sittingput

forabitwhileIfindoutwhatthefuckisgoingon.I’llseeyouandthelittleladyinthemorning.

Atleasthewasokay.Icertainlywasfarfromit.

Seth

Whenweboardedourfinalflight,IwasprobablymoreanxiousthanIhadbeenduringeverybitofmy

firstdeployment.Ireallycouldn’tfigureoutwhereMaddie’sheadwasat.Iknewshewasupset,butwas
sheserious?WouldsheleavemeifIsignedmyreenlistmentpapersagain?WhatwouldIdoifthatwas
herultimatum.Surelyshe’dneverputmeinthepositiontochoosebetweenmyfamilyandmycountry.I
hoped.Butmaybeitwasaskingtoomuchofher.Maybeshehadapoint.

Inmyadultlife,Ihadneverbeensoscaredofanything.Igotshotatforalivingandsawpeopledie

everysingletimeIcouldn’tmakeasave.Ikilledpeople.Ikilledtoomanypeople.Butlosingmyfamily
wasthescariestthingIhadeverimagined.Iwoulddoanythingtokeepustogether.Iwasresolvedinthat
atleast.IjusthopedIwasn’ttoolatetomakeitrightagain.Ihopedwecouldgetbacktous.

It was a long ass flight. I’ll say that much. The younger guys on board were whooping and hollering

becausethey’dmadeitthroughtheirfirstdeployment.Therestofussolemnlywaitedtoland,becausewe
needed to see our families. Video calls and pictures every day could only suffice for so long. One day
they’dunderstand,andmaybeIfinallyunderstood,myself.

AllIcouldthinkforthewholelongassflightwaswhatinthefuckwasIgoingtodoifsheleftme?I

couldn’tandstillcan’timaginelifewithouther.

PRESENT

Maddie

I’msittingintheairportwithLiv,whoisplayingwithanapponhertabletnexttomewhileItextCash

tolethimknowwhereLivandIarewhenthefirstexplosionhappens.I’mnotsurewhatitis.Itsoundsa
little like a loud crash, but then there’s this immediate eruption of screams that follow it. I know
somethingisn’tright.I’mjustnotsureexactlywhat’sgoingon.Butwhenthegunshotwhooshesbymyear,
I’macutelyawaremydaughter’slifeisindanger.

It’slikeacrackorasnap,andit’simpossibletomisunderstandasamilitarywife.Ican’tseeit,butI

can hear it. And thanks to Seth’s tactical awareness training that he’s talked about with me, I have a
generalideaofwhereit’scomingfrom.IgrabOlivia’shandandgetneartheclosestwallIcanfind.The
tabletliesonthefloor,stillplayingthesoundsfromthegameshehadbeenplayingmomentsbefore.

I just want to get us out of the open seating area. She looks up at me, terrified. I smile a reassuring

smileandleandowntokissherhead.

“It’s okay, baby. I promise. Mommy will never let anything happen to you, but I need you to be very

braveandveryquiet,”Iwhisperinherear.

“Understand?”IaskasItakeherfaceinmyhands.

Shenodsandputsherfingeroverherlipsina“shh”motion.

Ismilebackatherandnod.“Good,girl.ComewithMama,”IwhisperasItakeherhandinmineand

walkcloselyalongthewallwewerestandingnearuntilIfindasmallinletwithadoorway.Ithinkit’sa
bathroom.IknowIshouldgoinsideandbarricadethedoor,butI’llfeellikeasittingduckifIcan’tsee
what’sgoingonaroundme.Nomatterhowhorrificitis.

As the bullets near us, I push against the door. It doesn’t budge. Shit. I take a quick scan of my

surroundings before tapping lightly on the door. “Hello? If someone’s in there, please open the door. I
have a terrified child, and I need to get her to safety,” I say as quietly as I can, while also allowing
whoeverisinsidetohearme.Secondslater,thedooropenstentatively,andIfindagroupofwomenand
small children. I smile kindly at the handful of women huddled around the children, and I meet each of
theireyes.Allofthemareterrified.InodsolemnlyasIslideOliviaintothebathroom.“Stayhere,Liv.
Thesenicepeoplearegoingtowatchyouwhilemommychecksthingsout.”Anothermotherquietlytakes
her and soothes her as she nods toward me. I smile to Liv and blow her a kiss. I tell the mother to
barricadethedooragainandtoaddreinforcementswithwhatevershecanfind,andthen,Imovesilently
along a wall until I’m hidden on the side of a vending machine. I can still see the bathroom door, the
terminalonbothmyleftandmyright,andthegatedirectlyinfrontofme.Withmybackagainstthewall,I
feelgoodaboutmyposition.

Seth would be so pissed at me. He’ll be so pissed at me if I die, but whatever motherfucker has

decidedtoopengunfireinthisairportwillnotgettomydaughterwithoutgettingthroughme.Ilookinside
mypursequickly,tryingtofindanythingthatcouldbeusedasaweapon.Idon’tconcealcarry,butIdo
haveapocketknife,andIdumpthecontentsofmypurseoutontothefloorquietly.Ifindtheknifeandopen
itup,holdingthehandlewithadeathgrip.Sure,I’llhavetogetclosetouseit,butit’sbetterthanbeinga
sittingduck.AfewmenacrosstheterminalfromwhereI’vesetupcamphaveseenmydisplayofcourage,
anditsomehowempowersthem.I’mjustprotectingmydaughter.

Sowhentheshooterisfinallyinoursights,halfofthemstanduptohimwhiletheotherhalfscatters

amongsttheterminals.Iseewhatthey’redoing,andit’satruetestamentofbravery.They’rebreakingup
the crowd so the shooter will have multiple targets. He can’t hit everyone at once if they’re not all
standinginthesameplace.It’sadistractiontechniquethatcanonlybepulledoffwithbraveryinlarge
groups,andI’mhonoredtowitnessthesemenputtheirlifeonthelineforpeopletheydon’tknow.The
shooter’s gun jams after the first five shots. I’m not positive where the bullets go. I don’t know enough
aboutweaponstoknowwhathappenedtohis,butIknowwithoutashadowofadoubtthatI’vebeenhitin
theleg.Iwanttoscreaminpain,butIcan’tbecauseIdon’twanttoscareOliviaandIdon’twanttogive
awaymylocation.

There’sascuffle.Ihearit,anditsoundslikethegroupofguysmightbegettingaleguponthesituation.

AssoonasIgraspontothatlittlebitofhope,Ihearanotherboom.Thistime,it’smuch,muchlouder,and
muchcloser.Ihearmorescreamingandyelling,morechaos.Itsoundslikesomanymorepeoplenow,and
they’recomingcloser.I’mnotsurewhy,buttheremainingmenintheterminalwithmedispersequickly,
oneofthemtellingmetotakecoverashepassesme.IregisterwhathesaysjustbeforeIcollapseonthe
floor, hitting my head against the wall as I fall. Between my body to attract attention away from the
bathroom door and whatever barricade those women have made, the shooter isn’t going to waste time
tryingtogetthedooropen.EverythingisgoingtobeokaybecauseSethwillfindus,andOliviawillbe
safe.Thewholegroupofpeopleinthatbathroomaresafe.Iprotectedmydaughter.IdidwhatIwasborn
todo.

ThenIblackout.

Seth

Ifsomethingdoesn’tfeelright,trustyourgut.Ialwaystellmyguysthat.Andrightnow,somethingjust

doesn’t fucking feel right. We’ve landed, but they’re holding us on the plane. I can see a few people
runningaroundonthetarmac,butitdoesn’tseemoutoftheordinary,outsideofhowfrenziedtheylook.I
feelantsy.Whyaretheyrunningaroundinsuchahurry?

Iheartheboomandthegunfire,butthatstuffiscommonplaceforme.Idon’treallyrealizewhat’sgoing

on for a solid fifteen seconds, which is way too long when anyone is unloading bullets into innocent
civiliansandblowingthingsupwithwhoknowswhat.

ThisfeelslikethosemomentswhenI’mpickingapatientupandthecommunicationissooutoffucking

whackthatnoonehasanyideawhatthefuckisgoingon.Intelisbad.Peoplearetakingfire.Theheat
seekingmissileflairsaregoingoff.Patientsarescreamingintheback.Ihavenoideawhatintheactual
fuckingfuckisgoingonrightnow.Wasthatagoddamnbomb?Inanairport?Fullofmilitary?Fullofour
fam—?Fuck.Fuck.I’vegottogetup.Mywifeandchildarehere,andIneedtofindthem,soonerrather
thanlater.

Alloftheguyswithmenowhavebeguntowraptheirheadsaroundthesituation,andwhilewe’renot

armed,wetakenoordersfromflightattendantswhenwede-boardtheplanetogether,allofusknowing
howtocoveroneanotherasweentertheterminalfromthegate.

It’scompletechaos.Peoplearerunningeverywhere.Peopleareinjured.Somepeoplearejuststanding

thereconfusedandinshock.Weallstartassessinginjuries,andwhenIseetheguysinmyunittakingcare
ofeveryoneinthecurrentarea,Idon’tthinkaboutit.Ijustgo.

I begin jogging through the crowd, yelling her name. I don’t want to full pace run. What if they’re

injuredandcan’tyellout?I’llmissthem.AsIcheckonthosewoundedonmywaythroughtheterminal,I
yell Maddie’s name. It’s a fucking horrifying sight, but none of them are hanging on the edge of life. I
triagethemasquicklyasIcantokeepthemstableuntiltheEMTsarrive.Iclosetheeyesofthosewho
havenopulse.Iremembereachofthosefaces.

WhatifIhavetocloseMaddie’seyes?OrLiv’s?I’llneverbeabletosurvivewithoutmygirls.

Ikeepgoing.Iknowshe’llbeclosetowheretheykeeptheimmediatefamilycorralled.Ineedtogetto

her.

WhenIfindher,she’sactuallynowherenearwhereIthoughtshe’dbe.She’snothuddledbehindachair

orbarricadedinasmallroom.She’snothidingfromterrorists.Butshe’salsonotmoving.

She’slyingonthefloor,nottoofarfromabathroomdoor,whichisajar.IfIknowMaddie,shegotLiv

tosafetyandthenputherownlifeontheline.Ipushthedooropenquietly,knowingsomeonecouldbein
therewaitingforme.Noone.Wherethefuckismydaughter?

IshakeoffthesenseofimpendingdoomandruntoMaddie’sside.Idroptomykneesandimmediately

doabloodsweep.JesusfuckingChrist.Thereissomuchblood.Myhandscomeupredderandwetter
everytimeIsweepanotherareaofherbody.She’sgotabulletwoundinherleg,justaboveherknee.

Ikeepsweeping.

There’sbloodeverywhere,butIcan’tfindanymassivebleedersoutsideofthegunshotwound.

“Maddie,talktome,”Itellherthroughmyteeth,swallowingthelumpinmythroatasIpullhershirtup

tofindmorebloodfromshrapnelwounds.Hereyesarerollingbackintoherhead,butshe’stryingtotalk.
Shelookslikeshe’sbeenswipedbyabunchoftinyrazorblades.It’sfuckingterrible.Ineedhertokeep
talking.

“Icouldn’thearyou.What’dyousay?”Iaskherasshestartstomumblethingsthatmakenosense.I

can’tevenmakeoutasinglewordofwhatevershe’ssaying,butit’sokay.Ineedhertokeeptalkingtome.

“Talk to me, baby. Please fucking talk to me,” I mumble under my breath. “I saw the bathroom door

open. Looks like people were barricaded inside. Did you do that? Where’s Liv? I need you to tell me
whereOliviais.Pleasetry.Issheokay?”

I find shrapnel wounds all over the place. There are thumbtacks in her clothing. What in the actual

fuck?

“Mads,lookatme!”IyellasIcontinuesweepingforblood.Ineedtofindtheworstbleeder.Ihaveno

MISTonher.Ihavenoideawhatherconditionis.There’sbeennomedicheretoassessherbeforeIgot
toher.It’salotharderformetodomyjobwhenI’mgoinginblind,butI’mgoingtogetthisjobdoneif
it’sthelastthingIfuckingdo.

She’sshakingherheadandmoaningOlivia’sname.
Inod.“I’mlookingforher.Tellmewhathappened.”

I’msearchingaroundourperimeter,knowingLivcan’tbefar.Icalloutforourdaughteragain.

“Cash,”Maddiemumbles.

“Whatabouthim?Tellmeabouthim,”Ibegher.

ThenIseeCashrunninguptome.“Itwassupposedtobeasurprise.Weweregoingtoparty.Fuck.Is

sheokay?”

Ishrug,checkingherpulseandholdingmyhandoverthewoundinherleg,scanningtheareaformy

daughterasIdo.

“WhatcanIdo?”heasksme.

“Findmydaughter,Cash.”

Alookofawarenesscrosseshisfacewhenherealizesshe’snotnexttous.

“OscarMike.”

IkeepsweepingMaddieformoreinjuries.“LIV!It’sDaddy.It’sokaytocomeoutnow!”
Iyell,notgivingupthatOliviaissomewherenearme.

MaddieisaTango1.Sheneedssurgerylikeyesterday.Ireallyneedtoknowmykidisalive.Ican’t

focuslikethis.

IyelloutforOliviaagain.

Nothing.

Maddie’swoundsaresevere.Itearoffapieceofhershirttoplaceatourniquetaboveherrightknee.

Thenknowingit’sriskinginfection,Itearoffanotherpieceandapplypressuretotheopenwound.The
gunshotwoundisalittleworsethanIfirstassessed.Thisthingisbleedingprofusely,andMaddieneeds
bloodquicklytoresupplywhatshe’slostsoshecankeepfighting.

“LIV.Daddyneedsyourhelp!”Iyellout.

Nothing.

“Blaze,Igother,”Ihearfrombehindme.It’sCash,andhe’sholdingOliviaonhiship.

Thankeverythingholy.Shehasacoupleofscratchesbutmostlyjustlooksfuckingterrified.

Theparamedicsfinallyarrive,eagertohelp.“Setyourshitdownandhelpthatguyoverthere,”Iyell.

They stand there for a second, trying to decide what to do. These guys don’t have training for combat
woundslikethis.

“She’sinbadshape.Doit.He’sapararescueman.He’sgotthiscovered.Canoneofyoustaytohelp

himgetherstableandoneofyoucheckthatguyout?”CashisrubbingOlivia’shair,whiletalkingtothe
paramedics.I’mrummagingthroughtheirmedicalbag,lookingfortheirIVlinekits.

AsoneEMTheadsovertocheckoutaguyinandoutofconsciousness,theothersquatsdownbeside

me.“WhatcanIdo?”

“PleasesetupanIV.Ican’tfindshitinthisbag.”IpushhisbagtowardhimafterIpulloutabagof

salineandreadythetubesandwirestohitthecatheterassoonasit’splaced.

“Are there more on the way? What’s going on? Do you have news?” I place the IV tube just as he

finishestapingthecathetertoMaddie’shand.

“No idea, but from what I can tell on the radio scatter, it’s terrorism.” The medic begins checking

Maddie’svitalsasIkeepapplyingpressuretoherlegandlookuptoCashandmydaughter.

“Cash,howisshe?”Iask,diggingthroughtheparamedicbag.

MaddieistryingtotalkasIplaceanoxygenmaskoverherface.“Liv...is...behind...you,”shegetsout

beforehereyesrollbackinherhead.She’stryingtopassoutonme,andI’mnothavingit.

“Iknow.Cashhasher.She’ssafe.Staywithme,Madelyn.Talktome.Tellmeaboutyourday.”She

nods and starts talking. I can’t understand her, and she’s slow to form sentences, but that’s okay. She’s
talking.

“Cash.Update,”IsayasIrealizeMaddieishavingtroublebreathing.

“Shh.Deepbreath.Takeadeepbreathforme.”Imeethereyeswithmine.She’sstillwithme.
IpushharderintothewoundonherlegasIseebloodstartingtospilloutfromunderneathmyhands.

She’sgettinganxious.Herheartispumpingbloodfaster,andshe’salreadylosttoomuch.Iknowithurts
her,butI’vegottostopthebleedingthebestIcan.Itakeadeepbreath,removemyman-madetourniquet,
anddigmyfingersintothegunshotwound.

Shescreams.

“Iknow,baby.Hangon.I’mgoingtogetyousomething.”

“GARRISON!”

Cash Garrison is holding Olivia so her back is to us, pushing Olivia’s hair behind her ear. “She’s

scratchedbutnotseriouslyinjured.”

“Takehertothehospitalplease.Gethercheckedoutandpleasedon’tletheroutofyoursight.”

Idon’twanthertoseehermomlikethis.IsayasmuchtoCash,andhetellsmethere’sastagingcenter

atthetraumahospital.They’retakinghertheretogetherminorwoundscleanedup.Inodasheleansher
towardme.IcovertheviewofMaddie’sbodywithmyownasIsmileandkissOlivia’sforehead.“I’ll
seeyousoon,baby.”

Olivia looks from me to what she can see of Maddie and then back to me again, as if she’s asking

what’sgoingon.

“Daddy’sdoingeverythinghecan.GowithMr.Cash.Daddywillcomegetyousoon.”Ikissheragain,

holdingonalittlelongerthanIshould.Theparamedicfindsaparticularlydeepwoundandstartstowrap
ittightly.

Maddiescreamsagain.

“Go,baby,”Itellhersternly.“Iloveyou.”

“AnythingelseIcando,man?”Cashasksme.

“You’re doing the most important job for me right now. Don’t let her out of your sight,” I tell him,

turningbacktoMaddie.

“Wilco,brother,”CashsaysashejogsofftogetLivtothestagingarea.Itearthroughtheshittycivilian

toolsI’vegotatmydisposal.ThisisnothinglikewhatI’mgivenoverseas.

“FUCK!”IyelltonooneasInoticeherfluidsaren’thittingherveinsasquicklyastheyshould.Her

veinsaretooweak.Islowthedripdownandkinkthetubingwithmyhand,tryingtoletherveinstakea
breakandrecoverbeforetheyblowcompletely.Islowlyletgoofthekinkandallowthefluidsenterthe
catheter at a slower pace. As soon as I see her body is tolerating the intake of fluids, I yell to another
medicnearbythatIneedbloodandtransport.

Itakehervitals.They’renotgoodenoughtoknockherout.They’renotgoodenoughtogivehermuch

ofanythingforpain,forthatmatter.

She’sscreaminginpainasIhangthebloodtotheIVlinewhenthemedictossesittome.Wegetacall

that the helicopter is ready, and it couldn’t come quickly enough. She needs immediate transport. This
can’twaitforanambulance.

We’restillwithinTheGoldenHour.She’sgoingtobeokay.Thatbecomesmymantraforthenextfew

minutes. Over and over in my head, I repeat that we’re within The Golden Hour and she’s going to be
fine.

Themediccomesovertohelpmegetheronthestretcher.ItellhimIcanhandleitwhenhelookstobe

getting ready to push her to the copter with me. He goes back to a less critical but still very seriously

injuredpatient.

IrunMaddietotheawaitingtraumahelicopterandgetheronboardwiththehelpofsomeciviliansand

theonboardmedics.Themedicsonboardtrytotakeover.Iwanttofightthemonit,butIknowit’snotin
Maddie’s best interest. I tell them everything I did in the field, giving them a MIST. They look
momentarily boggled as to why my report is thorough and how I know what’s going on, being that I’m
dressedinmycamis.

“I’mpararescue,”Itellthemgruffly.“Areyougoingtogettowork,orshouldItakeover?Thisismy

fuckingwife.”

There’sthislookofsheerdeterminationthatcrossestheirfaceswhenIsayit.Onebringsmeaheadset,

andtheygettoworkstabilizingheralittlebetterthanIcouldinthefieldwithminimalequipment.

I want to push them out of the way or interrupt them with a different option every time they do

something,butIknowshe’sincapablehandsandfuck,Ineedamomenttore-center.

Ifinallyletmyemotionsshowandnodsolemnlyastheyreporthervitals.She’stachycardic,andher

breathingisslowandshallow.

Wetakeoff,mekneelingatherhead,brushingherhairoutofherbloodiedfaceandtalkingtoher.She’s

lookingatmewiththatlostlookinhereyesI’veseentoomanytimes,andIshakemyheadather.

“No, ma’am, don’t you even fucking think about it, Mads. Stay with me,” I yell over the helicopter

noise.She’snodding,grippingmyforearm.Ican’tdoanythingelse,soIstarttalking.I’mjustrambling.
I’mtellingherCashhasLiv,thatOliviaisokay.I’mtellinghersomanypeoplearegoingtobealright.
I’mtellingherhowbeautifulsheisandhowmuchImissedher.I’mtellingherhowbeautifulourdaughter
isandhowIcan’twaittoholdthembothatonce.IlockeyeswithhertokeepherwithmeasItalk.Her
griploosensassherelaxesalittle,soIleandown,restingmyforeheadonhers.Ilockeyeswithheragain
andstarttalkinglower.

“Stay with me. That’s the deal,” I keep reminding her. Every time I do, she nods. She’s nodding for

whatseemslikethemillionthtimewhenshesuddenlystartsgaspingforairagain.

Fuck.No.

IalertthemediconboardthatIneedmoreoxygenflow.

Maddiestillcan’tbreathe.

“Breathe.Deepbreaths,”Iyellather.I’mshakinghersternumwithmyfist,andI’mtakingbreathswith

herbecauseIfeellikeI’mdying,too.

Sheshakesherhead.Shestartsclawingatmyforearms.She’swheezing,andIcantellfromtheshort,

quickgaspsshe’stakingthattheoxygenflowisn’tdoingthejob.Iyellforoneofthemedicsonboardto
takealisten.Afterlisteningtobothofherlungswithhisstethoscope,heyellsbackthatherbreathsounds
aren’tgood.

Ihaveahunchastowhat’sgoingon,butIdon’twanttobelieveit.

She’sgotatensionpneumothorax,probablyfrombeingsoclosetothebombthatwentoff.I’veseenita

lot,butitdoesn’tmakemefeelanymorepreparedforwhat’sgoingtoneedtohappen.

Ineedtogetherstable,becausetheworsethisgets,theharderit’sgoingtobeforhertobreathe,andit

couldkillherquickly.Herbodyneedsthatoxygensupply;otherwise,allthisbloodwe’rehangingdoes
nofuckinggood.

IturnheroveronhersidetoseeifIcangetherbodytoabsorbmoreoxygenanddealwiththetrauma

on it’s own. It doesn’t seem to be helping at all so one of the medics places a new oxygen mask over
Maddie’smouthandnose.

Shefightsagainsttheoxygenmaskthemedicisdesperatelytryingtokeepinplace.

I reach over, placing my hand over the mask and rubbing her cheek, but she doesn’t stop. She’s

writhing,actingseriouslyfuckingbelligerent.Icanseetheveinsinherneckpoppingoutwithafury,andI
realizehertracheaislikelydeviated.Sheneedshelp,andnow.Herlungisintheprocessofcollapsingon
me.Iknowit.Sheknowsit.Sheknowssomethingisgoingreallywrong.Icantellbythewayhereyes
franticallysearchmine,beggingme.

“Fuck, Maddie. Stop fucking fighting with me, love. Please.” She moves her hand and grips my

forearm,squeezingoverandover,hereyesdartingbackandforthwatchingmine,betweenthemoments
thattheyrollbackinherhead.

Shebeginsgaspingquicker,reallyworkingforoxygen,asthegripshehasonmyarmtightens.

Thisisn’thappeningrightnow.

Ileanclosertoherearandyellsoshecanhearmeoverthehelicopter.“Maddie,Ineedyoutostay

withme.Watchme.Don’ttrytotalk.Juststaywithme.”

Shenods,hermentalalertnessdroppingoffwaymorequicklythanI’dlike.

Fuckme.Why?

Idon’thavetimetothinkthisover.Maddieneedsoxygen,andsheneedsitnow.IknowwhatIhaveto

do,eventhoughIfuckinghateeverysinglemotherfuckingtimeI’veeverhadtodoit.

ImotiontothemedicthatIneedasyringetorelievesomeofthepressureinherlungs,buthedoesn’t

understand me. I lean over and yell for a syringe. She won’t survive without the ability to replace the
oxygenshe’sconsistentlylosingwithhergasps.Idon’thavetimetotrytofigureoutwheretheykeeptheir
shit.Hedoesn’treallyquestionme.Heknowsthesituationisdirenow,too.

Anothermedicreachesoverandhangsasecondbagofsalinefluidsandanotherbagofblood.Atleast

she’sonmylevel.Themalemedicpassesmeasyringe,andthenhepullsoutmorphineandmovestopull
itwithasyringe.

“No!GetKetamine,”Iyell.“IM!”

I’vegottobecarefulhere.Thisisalastresort,andI’dmuchratherwaittogethertothehospitalfora

chesttube,butMaddiedoesn’thavetimetowaittolandandgetintoatraumabay.Sheneedstobreathe,
rightfuckingnow.Sinceshecan’tdoitonherown,I’mgoingtodoitforher.

IyellforavitalcheckasIreadythesyringeagain.Goodnews.Nowthatbloodisonboard,hervitals

lookatleastalittlebetter.Theydon’tlookgreat,butthey’restableenoughforbeingonpainmedication.
ThankGodbecauseshe’sgonnaneedsomethingtobestill.Plus,it’llreallyhelpwithherpain…ifIdon’t
fuckingkillher.

Themedicwiththedrugsnodsandpushesketamineintoherarm.Sherelaxesagainstmemomentslater.

Iquicklyslipoutfrombehindher,andasI’mabouttopushtheneedleintoherribspace,wehitsomebad
air.That’snotgreatformypsyche.Sheneedsthisoxygen,like,yesterdayatthispoint.Withoutit,she’s
mostcertainlygoingtodie.

“DAMMIT!”Iyellaloudagaintonoonebutmyselfandtakeadeepbreath.

Icandothis.Idon’thavetimeforapeptalk.Noemotions.Justplacetheneedleandgivemygirlsome

relief. I steady my hand, and I insert the large syringe into her rib space with one silent prayer, even
thoughIhaven’tprayedsincemyfirstdeployment.

Themedicpumpstheoxygenbagforher.

Somehow the fuck-everything-in-your-life gods haven’t had quite enough fun with me yet. Her vitals

bottomoutforasecond,andallIcandoisworrythatI’vedoneunnecessarydamagetoMaddie’slungs.

Iwatch,andIwait.

Ican’thearthesoundbecauseofthecopter,butIseethewhooshofairasMaddie’slungsstarttoeven

out and she takes a deep breath. She’s still not comfortable. It doesn’t feel good and now her risks for
complicationshavegoneupevenmore,butatleastshe’sgettingoxygen.Atleastshe’sbreathing.

Iseethemedicreplacingtheoxygenmaskonherfacetomakeitmorecomfortableforher.Itfeelsa

littlelikemyprayerwasansweredwhenthismedicchickmatchesmepaceforpaceonthisprocedure,
andIsilentlytakebackmyassholestatementaboutgodshavingfunwithme.

The female medic continues watching and adjusting the oxygen levels for Maddie, and finally, after

waytoofuckinglong,Maddie’svitalsstarttolookbetter.

Shecanbreatheagain.

“That’sit,baby.Goodgirl.”Ikissherforehead.Onetearfallsdownmyfaceontohers,andIseeher

handmovingoutofthecornerofmyeye.Itakeholdofit,andshesqueezesthreeandahalftimes.

IsmileasIfeeltearsreallystarttocomeon.Weusedtodothisinhighschoolwhenwecouldn’tkiss.

It was our way of saying I love you. We’ve used squeezes our whole relationship to say what words
couldn’talwayssay.

Isqueezeherhandtwoandahalftimesandkissherbloodiedforeheadonceagain.

Everyonelooksrelievedwemadeitoverthathurdle.Twoscarestoomanyinmyopinion.

ThemedicsonboardpatmeonthebackasImoveovertoleanonmykneeswithmyheadagainstthe

wallofthehelicopter.

Jesus,thisistheworstdayofmylife.

Ineverthoughtadayinthelifestatesidewouldbeasbadasmytimespentrescuingpeoplefromawar

zone.Idefinitelyneverthoughtadayherecouldbeworsethananyofmydaysatwar.

OnceonadeploymentinAfghanistan,IhadmyfingerknuckledeepinanAmericansoldier’sneck.He

wasscreamingthathedidn’tknowwherethefirewascomingfrom.Hewasscreamingatmenottolet
him die. Other casualties were screaming around him. I was trying to keep him from bleeding out and
hopingtherewasn’tarifleaimedatmyheadfromaclickortwoaway.Andthis?Thiswasafuck-of-a-
shit-tonworsethanthat.

IlostpeopleIknewwaymoreoftenthananyoneshouldhaveto.Ihadtopushguystokeepgoingwhen

alltheydeservedtodowasmourn.Ideservetobeangry.Ideservetobehurt.ButI’mgoingtokeepgoing
becausethesameshitthathappenedinwarishappeningnow.Justonadifferentbattlefield.I’mgoingto
makeherbetter.Notsnugglemyselfupandcryaboutit.Ican’tletmyemotionsgettome.

“Approaching hospital. Five minutes out,” I hear over my headset. I breathe a sigh of relief. She’s

stable,andwe’vealmostmadeittothehospital.

NowIjustneedhertohangonthroughthesurgeryandrecoverypartofthisnewflightpathwe’vejust

beenplacedon.

There’snotmuchwecandoexceptkeepherstableuntilweland,andtheminutesseemtobetickingby.

Over the headset, I ask for an updated landing time, checking the estimated attack time with how much
timewe’vespentstabilizingher.IneedtoknowIstillhaveherwithinTheGoldenHour.

“Justabouttwominutesout,”thepilotadvisesme.

“Roger. Thanks,” I tell him, pulling myself together and moving back to Maddie, who’s now resting

becauseofthedrugs.Mystronggirlstayedwithmethroughthepainandconfusion.Shestayedwithme
throughthebloodlossandoxygendeprivation.Sheisabeastthathasnevergottenenoughcreditinher
arenaofbadassery.Mystomachisinknots.IamsofuckinganxioustogettoOliviabuthappyshe’sinthe
capablehandsofCashGarrison.Istopforasecond,tobethankful,somethingIlearnedtodoonmyfirst
deploymentwhenshitlookedgrim.

Garrison being here, trying to surprise me (probably at the expense of Maddie begging) was really

nice,andI’mluckytohaveafriendinhim.Iamsomotherfuckinggladhewastheretobestrongformy
littlegirlwhileIwasbeingstrongforhermamaandmyself.Imakeamentalnotetothankhimforbeing
suchagoodfriendandsuchagoodman.Suchagoodsoldier.

AsthemedicsonboardbeginreadyingMaddiefortransfertothehospital,Icontinuetocheckforany

other wounds that might need attention and wrap the big bleeders. There are thumbtacks in her skin. I
noticedthethumbtacksinherhoodieattheattacksite,butIhadn’trealizeduntilnowthattheyhadactually
piercedherskin.Whoeverisresponsibleforthisattackisgoingtofeelmyfuckingwrathifit’sthelast
thingIdoformyfamily.

ThisissomeoftheworstshitI’veeverseeninmylife.

We get her to the hospital where my medic training and rank gets me nowhere. I have no pull. The

traumasurgeononcalltriestokickmeoutoftheroomafterIgivehimthereportfromthescene,transfer,

andlastcheck.IadvisehimofallwoundsI’vefound.Hetellsmethey’vebeenseeingsimilarwounds.I
nodandtellhimthewoundinherlegwastheworstandadvisehimoftheneedlethoracotomy.“Thanks”
isallhetellsmeastheygotowork.

Ifeelsofuckinghelpless.

“Paperworkofficeisoverthere.”Anursenods.

“Ican’tdothatrightnow.Thisismywife,”Itellthenursenumbly.
Thedoctorlooksupandnodstome.“We’vegother.Thankyouforyourservice,brother.Itlookslike

you’vesavedherlifeandherleg,”hetellsmejustbeforeanothernurseleadsmeintothehallwaywhereI
wanttocollapsebutcan’t.

Ineedtofindmylittlegirl.Iaskthenursewherethestagingareasfornonlife-threateningwoundsare

andgivehermycellphonenumberaswellasGarrison’s.

“Callmewithupdateseverytenminutes.Please,”IsayasIpassasmallpinksquareofpapertoher.

Shestaresatmeforafewsecondstoolongandnevertellsmeshe’llcall.Istarttogiveherapieceof

myfuckingmindwhensheinterruptsmeduringmyopeningbreath.

“Sir,youneedtosit.Ithinkyou’rebleeding.”Ilookatmybody,checkingmyhands,torso,andlegs.I

don’tseeanythingthat’smine.

“It’s my wife’s blood,” I tell her with no emotion in my voice. I bet she thinks I’m a dick. She’s

probablynotwrong.

“No,yourhead,”shetellsme.“Intheback.Pleasesitandletmehavesomeonelookatit.”
Ivaguelyrememberhittingmyheadonthedoorwayoftheairplane.

“I’mfine.Iknowwhattolookfor.Ineedtogettomychild,”Itellher,reachingtothebackofmyhead

andbringingmypalmtomyfacetofindfresh,warmblood.Nowthatmyadrenalinehascalmedabit,my
headdoeshurtalittle.Butnothing’sgoingtostopmefromgettingtomydaughter.

She groans under her breath. “Military guys are impossible. I’ll update you on your wife,” she says,

huggingdogtagshangingfromagirlyassnecklacearoundherneck.TheylookalotlikeMaddie’s.Iclose
myeyesandbringmyselfbacktothemoment.

“Deployed?”Iaskher.

“Yeah,Marine,”shesays.

“He’llbefine.Marinesaretoughasnails,”Itellhertruthfully.

Shenods.“Pleasegetthatcheckedoutsoon,okay?”

“Yes,ma’am.”IheaddownthehalltofindCashandmydaughter.

Igotothestagingareaandlookforthem,butthey’renowheretobeseen.It’stotalchaosdownhere.I

askthenursetryingtomanthedeskifshe’sseenCashandOlivia.Sheshakesherheadandgetsbackto
work.Iaskacoupleofothernursesonthefloor,evensomepatients.Noonehasseenthem.

IpulloutmyphonetocallCashandseeatext.

Headuptoroom405.It’sfromCash.What?WhyisOliviainaroom?

Itakeoffrunningandhittheelevatorbuttonabouttwentytimes.It’smovingtoofuckingslowforme,so

Itakethestairsuptothefourthfloor.WhenIgettoherroom,she’ssittingonthebedasanurseapplies
butterflybandagestoacoupleofscratchesonherface.

“Damnman,everythingokay?”Cashasksmewhenheseesmealittlewinded.

“Iseverythingokayhere?”Iask,noddingtoOlivia,who’snowsquirmingtogettome.

“Yeah, brother. I sent another text letting you know she was okay. Communications must be jammed

witheverythingcominginandout.I’mfu—”Hestops,rememberingOliviaisinearshot.“Uh,I’msorry,
man.”Hepatsmyshoulder.

IletoutasighofreliefandheadovertoOlivia.Thenursemovesoutofmywaywithakindsmileon

herface,andIscoopLivupinmyarmsandkissthescratchesonherface.

“Youalright,munchkin?”Iaskher.

“Daddy.”Shesmiles.
Thankalltheholierthanthoupowersforvideocalls.Mydaughterknowsmebecauseofthem.Ismile

downather.“Hey,munchkin.”

“Icanhandlethosebandages,”Itellthenurse.
Shenodsandhandsthemtome.“She’shadsomepainmedication.Atabout1500.”Shenodstoward

theclockandturnstoexittheroom.

“Thankyou,”Itellher.
Shesmileskindlyandwalksout.

“Whytheroom?”IaskCash.“Therearealotofpeopledowntherewhoneedaroom.”

“Sodoyouguys.Iknowpeople.Don’tworryaboutit,”hesayslikeit’snobigdealthathejustpulleda

privateroominamajortraumahospitalnearthesceneofaterroristattack.

Ishakemyheadbutknowbetterthantoask.He’sonsomenextlevelshit.

“How’s Maddie?” Cash asks as he sits down in the chair next to the bed. I apply a couple of extra

bandagestoOlivia’sfaceasImulloverhowIwanttowordMaddie’scondition.Cashwillwanttoknow
morethanjust“critical.”

“She’scriticalbutstable,”Itellhim,pickingapieceofmetaloutofOlivia’sclothing.

“Right,sohowisshe?”Cashasksmeagain.

Itwasworthashot.

IletoutanexasperatedsighandlooktoOlivia,abouttomakeagestureIdidn’twanttotalkaboutitin

front of her, only to find that thankfully my sweet angel has fallen asleep and I can talk freely without
worryingher.

“She’s got a long way to go. The surgeon said he thought her leg was salvageable. She’s got a

collapsedlung,butthat’sreallytheleastofherworries.Therewerethumbtackseverywhere,man,”Isay,
probably sounding at least a little defeated. I sure feel defeated. I scoot back on the bed with Olivia
curledupinmylap,andItossthebandagesdownattheendofthebed,frustrated.

“Thumbtacks?”heasks.

“Yeah.Exactly.Theywereeverywhere.”Igroan,closingmyeyes.“It’ssofuckedup.”

“Iagree.Fuck.”Hetextssomeoneandthenquicklyputshisphoneaway.“She’sinsurgerythen?”he

asks.

Inod.IrealizeI’mhavingabitofanadrenalinedump,butI’llpowerthrough.That’swhatI’mtrained

todo.

There’s no bigger adrenaline rush than being shot at. I was one thousand percent sure of that twelve

hoursago.Butseeingmywifeingravecondition?BiggestadrenalinerushI’msureI’lleverexperiencein
mylife.Iknowbecausenowmyheadreallyfuckinghurts.Ireachmyhandbacktoseeifit’sbleedingany
less.

It’snot.IaskCashtoseeifhecanfindmesomegauze,andheexitstheroomforwhatonlyseemslike

secondsasIstareatmydaughtersleepingsopeacefully.

Herinjuriesconsistofscratches,someofthemdeepenoughforstitchesandprobablyafewbruises.

She’sgotaconcussion,whichthey’regoingtomonitorovernight.Nothingalarming.

Accordingtothenurses,peopleinthestagingareasaidit’sbecauseMaddieshieldedher,andIdon’t

doubtthatforonesecond.IjusthopeIwasn’ttoolatetoshieldmywife.

I start to feel a little lightheaded, so I decide to slowly slip out from under Olivia’s sleeping body,

curledupinmylap.WhenIgetvertical,theroomstartstospin.

IhearCashcomein.“Foundsomegauze.”

Ifeelhazyanddizzy.Fuck.Mydayisabouttogetworse.

Icollapseonthefloor.

—

ThenextthingIknow,I’minahospitalbedgettingstitchesinthebackofmyhead.Itrytositup,anda

nursecomestomyside.

“Staycalm,sir.Doyouknowwhereyouare?”

Iinhaledeeply.Ihatebeingafuckingpatient.“I’minthesamehospitalmywifeanddaughterarein.I

needtoknowthey’reokay,”Itellherastheinternstitchingupmyheadplacesabandageoverthespot
theyshaveddownmorethantherestofmyhead.Whenhe’sdone,Isitupwithmyfeetonthefloorandmy
largeframefeelsheavy.Mywholebodyfeelslikeit’sreadyforagiantnap,butmybrainisinterestedin
nothingofthesort.

“Nobleedinginthebrain?”Iaskthenurse.

“None. Serious concussion and deep laceration. You just went into a little shock. We gave you a

morphineIVduringyourscans.”

Well,thatexplainstheheaviness.

I stand slowly. “I need an update on my wife, Madelyn Blaise.” She nods curtly and I look for my

phoneinmypersonalbelongingsbag.Onceinhand,IcallCash.

“Blaze,you’resuchadumbass,”heanswers.

Ismilealittle,rubbingthebackofmyhead.“How’smybaby?”

“Stillsleepinglikeit’sherjob.Don’tworry,bro.I’vegother.”

“Thanks,Garrison.”ImeanitmorethanIwilleverbeabletoexpress.Thisfuckingchaosisinsane.

“AnywordonMaddie?Icheckedandtheysaidstillinsurgery.”

“Theytoldyou?”Iaskperplexed.

“Connections,Blaze,”heanswers.

“I have someone checking on her now.” I sit down in the guest chair across from the hospital bed,

rubbingthebackofmyneckandsighing.

“Yougood,man?”

“I’m good.” He knows I’m lying, but he doesn’t press, knowing I would tell him if I was past my

breakingpoint.“Callmethesecondshestartstowakeup,please,”Isay,seeingthenurseoutsideofmy
roomhangupherphone.

“Wilco,brother,”Cashsaysbeforehangingup.

IcallMattnext.Hewasonadifferentflightthanmeheadinghome,soIknowhe’sunharmed.

“Hey,man.Everythingokay?”heanswers.

“Yesandno.You?”

“We’regood.Katiehadn’tgottentotheairportyet.Saidshedidn’tridewithMaddiesothatyouguys

couldhavefamilytime.She’sinprettybadshape,worrying.PleasegivemesomenewsIcanpassalong,”
Mattsays,andIcantellhedoesn’twantanythingtobewrongeither.

“She’sinsurgery.I’mwaitingonaconditionupdate.Ihitmyheadandpassedout.Oliviaisokay.Very

minimalinjuries.I’mprettysureMaddiewillbeokay…but,it’sgrim,man.”

“Damn.”Hesighs.“I’mgladLivisokay.We’llbeuptheresoon.”

Thenursestillisn’tback,andI’mgettingantsy.Ishootmydadatext.

Amalright.AthospitalwithMadelynandOlivia.Madelyninsurgery.WillupdateASAP.Pleasecall

herparents.

Idon’twaitforatextback.Ihavenotimetoworryaboutcontactingthewholeplanetrightnow.Iknow

theyasparentsneedtoknowwe’reokay,butI’vegottomakesureofthatmyselfbeforeIcanpassany
newsalong.

I grab my wallet and slip it into my pocket, making sure the picture of my girls is still where my ID

shouldbe.Forthelastcoupleofhoursit’sbeennonstopforme.It’sbeenalotlikebeinginafirefight.
TheadrenalinerushIgetwhenI’mtakingfireisn’tmuchdifferentthantheadrenalinerushI’vehadover
thelastfewhours.I’vebeensoampedup,andnowIjusthavetosit.It’saweirdthing,adrenalinedumps.
I’msousedtothem.I’mnotusedtogoingthroughthemalone,though.IreallyneedtobewithsomeoneI
know.It’smakingmeantsysittingherealone,waitingtohearsomethingmorethan“She’sinsurgery.”

Thanks,peoplewithawealthofknowledge;Ialreadyknowthatpart.

Thenursecomesinandlooksmeupanddown.“Wecangetyousomehospitalscrubsifyou’dliketo

changeoutofyourclothes.”Shestaresatthebottomofmypantlegs.

Ilookdownandnoticeallofthebloodonmylegs.

“Damn,”Isayaloud.“Thatwouldbeniceofyou.Thanks.ButIreallycouldn’tcarelessatthemoment.

I’mnottryingtoberude,ma’am,butIreallyneedtoknowwhat’sgoingonwithmywife.”

“Stillinsurgery.”Icantellsheknowsit’snotwhatIwanttohear.

“Status?”

“Stable.”Shepullsupthedoctor’sstoolandsitsacrossfromme.

“They’re saying if it weren’t for the care she got in the field, she wouldn’t have made it. You did a

goodjob.”Shepatsmykneebeforegettinguptogogetmeacleanchangeofclothes.

“Howdidyouknowitwasme?”Iaskher.

“Everyoneknows.You’rekindofahero,”shesays,walkingoutoftheroom.

Ileanbackagainstthechairandclosemyeyes.

Idon’tneedtobeafuckinghero.

Ijustwantmywifetostayalive.

Myphonebuzzeswithatextfrommydad,tellingmehe’sgladeveryoneisokayandthathe’llupdate

Maddie’sparents.That’salltheyneedtoknowuntilIknowmore.Thelessworriedtheyare,thebetter.

Isendhimbackathumbs-upemojiandstarttopacetheroom.

Whenthenursebringsmenewclothes,Istoppacingandstartchangingmyshirtbeforeshecangetall

ofthewayoutoftheroom.MybootsweretakenoffwhenIpassedout,Iguess,andtheyaresittingneatly
nexttothechairIwasoccupyingonandoff.

“Uh. I … uh ... I have an update,” she stutters, staring at my chest, turning red, and not making eye

contactwithme.

I run a hand over my short brown hair before slipping on the scrub top and smiling nicely in her

direction.“Sosorry,Ithoughtyouwerejustgonnaheadout.”

“It’sokay.I’dwantmyspouse’sbloodoffofme,too”shesaysquietly.

Inod.“What’stheupdate?”

“She’soutofsurgery.They’vegotherinrecoveryandsayshe’sdoingokay.Icantakeyouuponceyou

finishchanging,ifyou’dlike.”

“Alright,thanks.Givemetwoseconds.”Iturnaroundandpullmycamisoff.Islipintothescrubpants,

tie them quickly, and slide my boots back on. “Let’s go,” I say, determined to see Maddie how I
rememberedher.Itmaytakesometime,butshe’llgetbacktoherself.I’llmakesureofit.Beautifulandin
nopain,justlikeshedeserves.

Maddie

I’mprettysurethisiswhatbeinghitbyatruckfeelslike.Someoneaimedtokillme,andmystubborn

asskeptfightingbackandnowI’mpayingforit.Itfeelslikesomeonehashitmewithabatoverandover
and over again, and at the same time it feels like a million bees have stung me. I don’t really want to
believethisisreal.Isthiswhathellfeelslike?DidIdie?

Whereismydaughter?Issheokay?I’mmutelyawareofwhathashappened,butitseemstoogruesome

tobereal.

Ican’topenmyeyes.It’stoohard.Ican’tcallforhelp.ItrytospeakandIcan’t.There’satubeinmy

throat.IreachtowardmymouthtojerkonitasIhearafamiliarvoice.

“Shhh.Mads,don’tdothat.”

Sethsmellslikewildmanwithamixofreallyawesomecologne.Icouldbatheinthatsmell.Iwantto

beclosertohim.Iwanttoburymyselfinhisscent.ButIcan’tmove.

Heplaceshishandovermineandpullsitawayfrommyface,squeezingitgently.“They’lltakeitout

soon,baby,”hewhispersinmyearashekissesmyjaw.Herestshisforeheadonmine,andIhaveafaint
memoryofhimdoingsomethingsimilarinthehelicopter.

“Thanks for staying with me, Madelyn. You are so strong. You did an amazing job. I know you’re

worriedaboutLiv.She’sfine.Onlyacoupleofminorwounds,andhonestlyIfeellikethat’smorefrom
whereshewashuddledupwhentheblasthappened.Youkepthersafe,accordingtoeveryonearoundthe
hospital.TheblastwasbiggerthanIwould’veexpected.Itrattledthebathroomandtheirbarricadeabit.
Yousavedher,Maddie.She’sokay.She’snapping.Cashhasher.Parentsareontheway.KatieandMatt
arefine,outsideofbeingworried.Sosettlethatprettylittleheadofyours.”

Inod.Or,atleastIthinkInod.Everyone’sokay.Ididit.Mydaughterisaliveandalright.

He kisses my forehead and something warm runs down my cheek. I don’t know if I’m crying or he’s

crying.Maybewe’rebothcrying.AllIknowrightnowismyfamilyisokay.Myfriendsareokay.That’s
alltheinformationIneed.

Ihearashuffleintheroomasanurseordoctorenters.“They’regoingtogiveyousomethingforpain,

okaybaby?”Sethsaysashemovestothesideofmybedandtakesmyhandinhisagain.Isqueezehis
hand.Ithink.

Moments later, I can feel that fuzzy darkness pulling me toward it and I begin to drift off to a place

wherethepainI’mfeelingdoesn’texistanymore.It’saniceescapeintonumbness.

Seth

ShelookedsopainedwhenIfirstenteredtheroom,butnowthatthemedicationshavehithersystem,

shelookspeacefulagain.Aspeacefulasonecanlookinhercondition.

Thedoctorcomesintoletmeknowtheywereabletostopallofthebleedingfromthegunshotwound

andthatwhattookthemosttimewasmeticulouslyremovingallofthethumbtacksfromherbody.Helooks
utterlydisgustedwithlifeandmankind.Ican’tblamehim.Iamtoo.It’sinfuriatingtoseetheamountof
bloodshedthathappenedfornoreason.

HetellsmetheysawsimilarinjuriesinVirginia,andIlookathimconfused.

“Oh, I guess you wouldn’t have had time to see any of the news. There was a very similar—eerily

similar attack—in Virginia yesterday evening when a group of Marines and a couple of Army units
arrivedbackhomefromdeployment.

“Whatthefuck?”Iaskhim.

Henods.“Iknow.Butthegoodnewsistherearemoresurvivorsthantherearedead.We’vesavedalot

oflivestoday.Youwereonthescenefirst?”

IglanceatMaddie,makingsureshestilllookspeacefulbeforeturningbacktohimandnodding.“Yes,

sir.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder and grips it tightly. “I want you to know you saved her life. She

wouldn’tbeherewithoutthetreatmentshereceivedinthefield.Youdidgood,kid.I’msorryyouhaveto
gothroughthisafterallyou’vedoneforourcountry.Thankyouforyourservice.”

Inod,grittingmyteeth.IdothisbecauseIlovemycountryandIlovehelpingpeople.Idon’tneedtobe

thankedfordoingwhat’sfuckingrightintheworld.Iappreciatethesentiment,butIdon’tneedtohearthe
words“thankyou”fromanyonebutmywiferightnow.Tobehonest,Idon’tgiveafuckwhatshesays;I
justneedtohearhervoice.

“Youthinkwecangetthatchesttubeoutsoon?”Iaskhim.

He walks over, looks at her chart, checks her vitals, and calls for the nurses to add one last bag of

bloodforgoodmeasure.

“Ithinkshe’sstableenoughtopullitoutinaveragetime—probablyaroundfourdays,butshe’sbeen

throughhelltoday,andthat’swhatIwanttofocusonfornow.I’dliketokeephersleepingthroughoutthe
night,maybethroughthedaytomorrow.Wewillseehowshedoestonight.”

Iinhalesharply.“Youwanttoputherinacoma?”Ithoughtshewasdoingokay.

“No,sir.Idon’tthinkshe’sunstableenoughforthat.Ithinkherbodyisreactinggenerallyprettywell,

consideringwhathashappenedtoher.I’lljustmakesureshe’sonsedativesandpainmedicationtokeep
herrestingthroughthenight.WewillmoveheruptotheICUstepdownunitinabit,andyou’rewelcome
tobringyourdaughterupandsetupcampthere.”Hefinishesmakingnotesonherchart.

“Thanks,Doc.”

Henods,slidesonsomegloves,andremovesherbreathingtube.Webothstandtherewaitingforherto

takeherfirstbreathonherownsincehavingthetubeinsertedduringsurgery.

It feels like fucking eternity, but finally she takes a deep breath. She hoarsely mumbles something

unintelligibleandthenfallsbackasleep.

Ibreatheasighofrelief,andthedoctorpatsmyback.

“Ibelieveshe’sgoingtobeokay,son.I’llseeyouoncetheygethermoved,”hetellsmeashepatsher

uninjuredlegandwalksoutoftheroom.

Isitdownbesideheragainandkisshertemple.“Willyoueverfailtoamazeme,Madelyn?Restwell.

I’llseeyousoon,”Itellher,eventhoughI’msureshecan’thearme.

IheaddowntoOlivia’sroomandletthenurseknowwhatthedoctorsaid.Shemakesafacelikeshe’s

confused,andIaskwhat’swrong.

“Ijustdon’tknowifit’sagoodideaforyourdaughtertoseehermotherinthatcondition,”shesays

quietly.“Iwouldbehappytostayovermyshifttokeepaneyeonher.”

“Noneed,”CashtellsherjustasMattandKatiewalkintotheroom.

“Thankfuck!”IsayasIgivethembothhugs.“Yougood,bro?”IaskMatt.

“Yeah,man.Ididn’tevenwanttogetcheckedout,butIwasforced.ButyouknowhowtheAirForce

is.TheyhadtomakesureIwasn’tgoingpsycho.I’mfine.”

“Andyou?”IshiftmygazetoKatie.

Shenodsbutdoesn’treallysaymuch.

“She’sjustshakenup,”Mattsays,pullingherclose.

“How’sshedoing?”theyaskatthesametimeastheymovetostandatthefootofOlivia’sbed.Her

smallframenowcurledupinCash’slap.

“She’s good,” I tell them. “They gave her something to help her sleep. No real injuries, just some

bumpsandbruises.Acoupleofscratches.SeemsMaddietookthebruntofit.”

“ThankGod.”Katiesighs.“How’sMaddie?”

“She’s out of surgery. I just left recovery. They pulled her breathing tube, and she’s breathing on her

own.They’regoingtomovehertoastepdownunitontheICUfloortomonitorher,andthey’regoingto
keephersleepingatleastthroughthenight.Maybethroughthedaytomorrow.It’stouchandgo,butbased
ontheinjuriesshereceived,she’sdoingbetterthansomeguysI’vetreatedinthefield.”

Thenursenods,lookingalittleuncomfortableandoutofplace.“Well,itlookslikeyou’vegothelp,but

buzzmeifyouneedanything.”

“Thankyou,”Itellherassheexitstheroom.

The moment the door closes I feel my posture slacken. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be split

betweenmywifeandmychildevenifonlyforanhourortwo.

Ihateaskingforhelp,andIhatetakinghelpwhenit’soffered.Madsismuchthesame.
We’refighters.Wedon’trun.Wegetshitdone.

Thistimethough,IknowIdon’thaveachoice.

“Ya’llmindsittingwithLivwhileIcallmyparents…andMaddie’sparents?”

“Ofcourse,”Katiesaysastheguysnodinagreement.

“Whateveritisyouneed,you’vegotit,”CashsaysbeforeIwalkoutoftheroom.

Idreadthephonecalltomyparents,butthey’reprobablyworriedsick,despitegettingatext.I’msure

Maddie’s parents are pretty fucking concerned too. So now that everyone’s settled and resting, it’s as
goodatimeasanytotrytopassalongthegruesomenewsoftoday.

Icallmyparentsandmymomanswerswith,“Thankgodyou’reokay.”Iswallowthelumpinmythroat

andnodasifshecanseeme.

“I’mokay,Mom.CanyougetDadonspeaker?Hangononesecond.Don’thangup.Okay?”

“Okay,sugar,”shereplies.Itmakesmefeellikeakidagain,butit’smymom.Inevercomplainaboutit.

Idecidetothree-wayMaddie’sparentstomakeiteasiertotelleveryoneatonce.

“Hello?”Maddie’smom,Elizabeth,answers.

“Hey,Ms.Liz,”Itellherwithasmileonmyface.Maddie’smomwasalwayssogreattousandhas

never wavered in her belief in me, even if she’s a little on the crazy side sometimes. “Don’t worry.
Everythingisokay.Myparentsareonthelineaswell.YoumaywanttoputDanonspeaker.I’mtryingto
telleveryoneallthedetailsatonce.Ipromiseit’sokay,”Ireassureher.

“Hi,Abby,Les,”Maddie’smomgreetsmyparents,andIcanhearthefearinhervoice.

I feel absolutely awful this is how they’re going to find out the news that Maddie is in all but a

medicallyinducedcomaanditmightbeforlongerthantonight.

Itakeadeepbreathasthetwofatherssayhello.

“Hey,Dad.I’mokay.Thisisgoingtobelong,soI’mjustgoingtosaythis.Everyoneremaincalmand

thenaskquestionsafterIcatchyouup.Okay?Okay.So,Maddiewasdirectlyinjured,prettycriticallyby
the blast. Liv is absolutely fine. They gave her some meds to induce sleep because she’s seen a lot of
nastyshittoday.”

“SethChristopherBlaise!”mymomexclaims.

Whoops.
“Sorry,Ma,”IsaybeforeIcontinue.“SoLivissleeping.Justafewscratches.Maddieprotectedour

littlegirlbygettingherintothebathroomwithsomeotherladies,fromwhatIcangather.Shedidn’tgoin
withthem.Shetookapostoutsidethedoorandstoodherground.Youshouldbeveryproudofher.”My
voicetrembles,soIpauseforamoment.

“She’sinprettybadshape,butthedoctorsthinkthatwithtimeshewillmakeafullrecovery.”

“Seth,whatdoesallofthatmean?Whatareherinjurieslike?”Maddie’sdadasks.

“Shehasaprettysevereconcussion,andshehasagunshotwoundonherthighthatneededsurgery,but

it just barely missed a major vein. She had a complication on the scene with her lungs; it’s called a
tensionpneumothorax.Iwasthereandwaswithherthewholeflighttothehospital.She’sgotacoupleof
brokenribsandalotofrandomshrapnelwounds.”

“Weheardonthenewsthatsomeofthevictimshadthumbtacksembeddedinthem.Thatdidn’thappen

toher,didit?”Maddie’smomasksfearfully.

“Itdid.That’spartoftheshrapnel.”Ileanagainstthewallandrunmyfreehandalongmytoolongbuzz

cut.

“Issheawakeandtalking?”Ms.Lizasks.

“No,ma’am.”Ihearhergasp.“Butit’sbecausethedoctorsaregivingherbodysometimetoheal.She

wasalertwhenwegottothehospitalandwouldbealertnowwithoutthedoctor’skeepingherasleep.”

“Thankyou,Seth.Thankyouforexplainingitinregularpeopleterms.”Lizistryingtostaystrong,butI

canhearthesnifflingshe’sattemptingtohideescapeeveryfewseconds.

Ourfamiliesaren’trich.Themilitarysureasfuckain’tmademerich.

“Wewillfindawaytogetthere,”myfather-in-lawtellsme.

“Yes,sir.Onewayoranother,I’llmakesureyougethere,”IsayasCashcomesintothehallwaynextto

me.“LetmeseewhatkindofticketpricesIcanfind,andI’llgiveyouacallback.AssoonasLivwakes
up,I’llcallyousoyoucantalktoher.”Ineedtogivethemsomethingtoholdonto.

“Okay.Thanks,Seth,”bothofMaddie’sparentssay.

“Thanks,Son,”mydadsays.

“Iloveyou,baby,”mymomsays.

“LoveyoutooMa.I’llbeintouchsoon.LetmeseewhatIcanfind.”Ihangupthecall.

“Youneedaliftsomewhere,Blaze?”Cashaskscasually.

“Nah,gottagettheparentsheresomehow.Youknowhowitis.”

“Wherearetheycomingfrom?”

“Louisiana.”

“Gimmetwominutes.”Cashgrinsandtapsoutatextonhisphone.Afewsecondslater,hereceivesa

textback.

“What now, Garrison? You know a pilot with some fancy private jet or something too?” I ask him,

jokingly.

“Maybe. Get me their socials and tell the parents to be at the airport tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. Their

ticketswillbeinthesystem.It’saprivateplane,”heanswerslikeit’snotabigdeal.

“Man,Cash,Idon’tevenwannaknowwhatyou’reinto,”Itellhim.“Thankyou.”

“I’m into something you’d enjoy doing. Might be something to think about when you hang up that PJ

patch.”Cashpatsmyshoulderpatch.

“Grabbingacoffee.Youwantone?”heasks.

“Sure. Thanks again,” I answer bewildered. How did he do that? I know Maddie needs her support

team,soIdon’tcareenoughtopryforinformation,notrightnowatleast.

IwalkbackintotheroomwhereKatieandMattarelyingonthepulloutsofainOlivia’sroom.

“Youknowya’lldon’thavetosleephere,”Itellthem,honestly.

“Youknowwe’renotgoinganywhereelse,”KatiesaysasMattnodsinagreement.

There’s no use in arguing with people who love you as much as our people love us, so I nod and

snuggleintothehospitalbedwithLivandfallasleepinseconds.

Maddie

SomeonelitafireinmyveinswhileIslept.Everysinglepieceofmybodyburns.Everymusclethrobs.

Evenmyhairfollicleshurt.AllIfeelispain.Iwasinandoutofahazysleep,notyetwellenoughtosay
mypainisundercontrol.Itfeelslikeadream.I’mstartingtopanic.IshouldbeabletosayI’minpainor
what’swrong,butwhenItrytotalk,mythroatissodrynosoundscomeout.ItfeelslikeI’mgaspingfor
air,eventhoughI’mnot.I’veneverexperiencedafeelingquitelikethisone.Iunderstandwhat“mymouth
isasdryastheSahara”means,probablytenfold.

Themonitorsstartgoingoff,alertingthenursesmyheartrateisup,andtheycomerunningin.Onenurse

runsstraighttomybedandrubsmyheadsoftly,tellingmetocalmdown.ShestrokesmyhairlikeIwould
strokeOlivia’swhenshe’sindistress.

“Shhhh.We’vegotyou,”shesayssoothingly.“Hangintherewithme.”

Itrytogetwordsoutandfailagain.Themonitorsbeepfaster.Thedoctorcomesin,checkingmyvitals

andaskingmequestions.

I’mhazyandinandout,andIdon’treallyevenknowwhathe’saskingme.Ijustknoweverythinghurts.

It’salmostlikedoublevision,exceptthat’showIheartoo.It’slikeeverythingisinabigwaterbubble.

IfeellikeIcan’tcatchmybreath,andIstartmentallyfightingtoslowmybreathingdown.WhenIfeel

likeIcan’tpossiblygetthisundercontrolandIstarttoworrythatthedoctor’swillneverfigureoutwhy
I’mfreakingout,Sethblazesintotheroom.

There’s nothing hazy about my Seth. He’s got scruff that would get him in trouble in more ways than

one.Helookstired,soverytired.Hecomestothesideofmybed,kissesmycheekbonejustnearmyear,
andgrabsmyhand.“Shhhhh,Mads.Shhhh.I’mrighthere.”

Myheartratestartstoslow,butIstillhurtsobad.Ihavetearsrollingdownmyfaceandintomyears

now.Itrytospeakagainandanoisecomesout,butit’snotanythinganyonecanunderstand.

“Cansomeonegethersomewater?”Sethallbutbarksattheteamofdoctorsandnursestryingtogetmy

heartratedownfarther.

Seth gingerly helps me prop my head up, supporting the entire weight of my head with his hand and

arm.He’scradlingmewithsuchfirmnessandsuchgentlenessatthesametime,andIrelaxalittlemore.
He’sgotme.Hereachesovermeasoneofthenurseshandshimasmallcupofwater.

“Slow,smallsips,Mads,”Sethsaysasheholdsmyheadupstraight,andItakeasmallsipofwater.
Iwanttodownthewholecup.That’snotsayingmuch,sinceit’sthesizeofatoddlermouthwashcup,

butIwantitallandmore.Thewaythecoldwaterdripsdownmythroatsoothinglyfeelssogood.Itakea
biggergulp,tryingtogetasmuchasIcaninonesip,andhepullsitawayfrommymouth.

“Little bit at a time, baby. Try to talk again,” he says as he sets my head back down gingerly on the

pillow.

“I...” I stop, surprised audible noises are coming from me. “I hurt.” A few more tears roll down my

face.

“Wheredoesithurt,baby?”heasksasIhearthedoctororderaroundofmedicationsthatI’msurewill

makeevenSethhazyagain.Idon’twantthat.Ineedtoseehisface.Ineedtoseemydaughter’sface.

“Everywhere,” I whimper. “How…?” I swallow again, still trying to get my mouth to moisten up

enoughthatIcantalk.“HowisLiv?”Ifinallygetout,afterwhatfeelslikecenturies.

“She’sperfect.Iwouldn’ttellyouanythingbutthetruth.Youworryaboutyou.Ourparentsareontheir

wayup,andIjustgotatextfromyoursister.She’sgoingtobeheresoon,too.Ihaven’tbroughtLivin
hereyetbecauseIdon’twanthertobescared.Let’sgetyousituatedanddealwiththispain,andthenI
promiseI’llbringherin.She’slivingtherockstarlifewithCash,Matt,andKatieinherownVIPsuite.
Coloringlikeamadlady.Relax.”

“Somelovingfromatinyhumanmightbejustwhatthedoctorordered,”thedoctorsaysashemakesa

note on my chart and moves to assess me. I think he looks… happy? He must be a sadist because
everythingstillhurts.Hechecksmywholebody,somepartshurtingwayworsethantherest.Heorders
bandagechangesandwoundcarespecialiststocomeseemeASAP.Ithinkheordersantibioticsformy
IV,andIstarttoworrythatsomethingelseiswrong.Myheartrategoesupagain.

“Shhh.Settle,”Sethwhisperssoftlynearmyear.He’ssoothingme,anditworks.It’salwaysworked.

It’salwaysbeenhim.Itwillalwaysbehim.

“It’s completely common to prescribe antibiotics for injuries as extensive as yours, Mads,” he coos

intomyear.

Heknowsme.ProbablybetterthanIknowmyself.HowcouldIhaveeverthoughtotherwise?Ican’t

waittotalktohim.Ican’twaittotellhimhowsorryIamforbeingsuchabadwife.Ishouldsupporthim.
Iknowhe’dalwaysprotecthisfamily.Iknowsomanythingsatoncethatit’sanemotionalrollercoaster,
andthetearsjustkeepflowing.Luckyforme,noonearoundmeknowsifit’sfrompainorfrompain.

I hear the doctor tell Seth he feels confident enough to say I’m out of the woods but that the road to

recoverywillbeverylongfromhere.Ihaven’tstoppedstaringatSeth,soIseehimnodandreachhisarm
overthebedtoshakethedoctor’shand.

Finally, another nurse comes in with a whole array of different medications. I look to Seth, worried,

andthenlooktowardthewater.Hegetsthesmallcup,andIswearit’sstillfull.How?Iwantsomuchof
thatwater.Itakeasmallsipagain,ascommandedbefore,andthenlooktohimasthenursesetsherthings
downonthebednexttome.

“Idon’twanttofallasleepagain,Seth,”Isayquietly.

“You need sleep right now,” he reminds me gently. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here the

wholetime,”hesaysasthenursestartstorattleoffthenumerousamountsofdrugsshe’sputtingdirectly
intomyveins.

“Youmightsmellortastethis,honey.It’ssalinetoflushyourdrip.”Shepatsmyarmsoftly.

Immediatelyafter,IgetaweirdsmellIcanalmosttasteinthebackofmythroat.Itremindsmeofthe

hospital.Imaginethat.

“Thisone’sgoingtomakeyoufeelheavy,butit’snotgoingtoknockyououtimmediately,”shetellsme,

looking to Seth in regard to my earlier comment. She pushes the pain medication, and immediately my
limbsfeelheavyandnumb.Relief!Itdoesexist!

Shegoesthroughanotherroundofmedications,oneforanxietyandthreedifferentantibiotics.Thenshe

saysshe’llberightbackwithanothertohelpmesleepasshewinksatSeth.

Aseveryoneexitstheroom,hepullsthechairclosetothebed,takesoneofmyhandsintobothofhis,

andkisseseveryknuckle,everyfingertip.

“I thought I lost you.” His voice is barely audible. I watch as he swallows a lump in his throat. An

outwardlyemotionalSethisararesight.Itbreaksmyhearttoseehimsohurtbythis.

“I’mso…sosorry,”Isayquietly.

“No,Maddie.Shh.You’reright.You’rerightaboutallofit.Don’tworry.We’lltalk.Ijustwantyouto

getwell,okay?”Herunshisthumbacrossmyknucklessoothingly.

“Iwanttoknoweverythingisokay,”Iwatchhiseyes,lookingforananswerinthem.

HewatchesmeintentlyasIstruggletocontinue,mywordsstartingtoslurabit.

“I’mcompletelydefenselesshere,”Inodtowardmybatteredbody.

“You’renevercompletelydefenseless.I’vegotyou,”Sethwhispersashekissesmyforehead.

Thenursecomesbackinandgivesmemedicationforsleep.

“I’llseeyouontheflipside,babygirl.”Hegivesmehistrademarkgrin.It’ssleepy,butit’sreal.

“Don’tgoanywhere,”Ibeghim.

“Youdon’tgoanywhere,littlemiss.”Hesmilesagainashekissesmybruisedcheek.

Isqueezehishandthreetimesasthemedicationsdragmeunderagain,andheknowsI’mtellinghim

he’llneverloseme.

ItfeelslikeonlyminuteshavepassedwhenIwakeupagain.Sethisstillinthechairnexttome,his

fingersentangledwithmine.

Thechairispushedbackabitsohislonglegshaveroomtostretchoutalittle,andhistallframeis

leanedoverthebedwithhisforeheadnexttoourhands.Icanseethetopofhisheadanddowntohisjaw,
whichiswaybeyondregulationscruffatthispoint.There’ssomethingonthebackofhishead,nearthe
baseofhisneck,butIcan’tmakeoutwhatitisandwhenItrytomovemyheadtogetabetterview,the
painremindsmehowbadofanideathatis.Aknotformsinmythroatatthesametimethathelooksup.

“Maddie,”hewhispers,hisvoicefilledwithasleepygravel.

“Hey, baby,” I try to say. I really don’t feel like it’s coming out right though. Everything feels so off

whenItrytospeak.

Hiseyeslightup.Maybeitmadesenseafterall.Hekissesmyhandandstandsup.Iknowhisbackhas

tobescreamingathim.Icantellbythewayhestands.Helooksslumpedover,andusuallyhehasnearly
rigidposture.Heneedstogivehimselfasecondtostretch.Hehasn’tevengivenhimselfthefewseconds

itwouldtaketostretchoutalittle.WhenIthinkaboutit,Sethrarelytooktimeforhimself.Hewasn’ta
“partywiththeguys”kindofhusband.Heshouldtakemoretimeforhimself,IdecideasIwatchhim.I’ll
remembertotellhim,too.Ihope.Heleansdownandkissesmyforeheadsoftly,lingeringthereforafew
moments.

IlookupathimandsmileasbestIcan.Inodtowardthecupofwateratmybedside,andheobliges

quickly.AsItakeasip,mythroatfeelssomereliefagain,andIamabletodrinkalittlemorewaterat
once.I’lltakethatprogress,fornow.

Sethsetsthecupbackonthebedsidetable,watchingmeintently.

“Relax,”Iwhispergruffly.“I’mokay.”

Hisbodyvisiblyslumpsinreliefbeforehefinallytakesalongstretch.ThismanlovesmemorethanI

thinkIeverunderstood.

Hesitsdownintheuncomfortablechairnexttomeagainandtakesmyhandinhisasourparentsarrive

withLivhangingonmysister’ship.

“Mommy!”shecries.

“Hey,baby.GotoDaddy,”Itellher,smiling.IhavenoideawhatIlooklike,butit’sprobablypretty

terrifying.Iwishwehadsomewarningonthisvisit,butatthesametimeI’msohappytoseeeveryoneI
love in one room, safe. Seth was right; Liv’s injuries have been worse on the playground, and for a
momentIamsoproudofmyself.AsstupidasIwas,Ididmyjob.Betteryet,IlivedandI’mgoingtoget
toseemylittlegirlgrowupbecauseIstoodupforher.IprotectedherwhenSethwasn’there.We’rea
team.Areally,reallygoodteam.

“Sorry guys, didn’t have time to put my face on,” I joke as everyone stands around my bed in a

semicircle.It’ssoweirdseeingthembothrelievedbutalsolookingliketheydon’tknowwhattosay.

Mydadlaughsfirst.Theneveryonelaughswithhim.SethtakesOliviaintohisarmsandhelpshersitin

hislapashepullsthechairclosertous.

“Mommy’s okay, baby. Just be careful. She has some ouchies,” he says softly as he pushes her dark

brownhairoutofhereyes.

“Hey,minime.”Ismile.

MytoddlerlooksalotolderasshetakesmeinandleansovermegingerlywithSeth’slargehandson

hersidestosupporther.Shekissesmesoftlyonthecheek,andImelt.

Ihatethatmydaughterhadtobeputinsuchahorrificscene.ButI’mblessedshewillprobablynever

remember much of it. I’m grateful she didn’t witness or hear a lot of the things I did. I was happy she
didn’tfeelpainlikeIfelt.Thiscouldhaveallturnedoutsomuchworse.

SethhelpsLivsitnexttomeaseveryonekindofawkwardlystandsaroundus.Onceshe’scomfortably

sittingonherownandwithoutcausingmepain,hestandsupandhugsourparents.Inoticethebandageon
thebackofhishead.NowIknowwhatIsawearlierwhenhewasrestingpeacefullynexttome.

“Seth,”Isaysoftly.

Heturnsaroundquickly.“Whatisit,baby?Whatdoyouneed?”

“No,nothing.It’snotme.Areyouokay?Yourhead,”Isay,watchingforhistells,thoselittletickshe

haswhenhe’stryingtomakeasituationseemnotasbadasitactuallyis.

“I’mfine.Justalittlebump,”hetellsme,andIseenosignofdistress.Soeitherhe’sgottenbetterat

hidingitorhe’sokay.Bythelookoneveryone’sface,I’mtheoneinworseshape.

“Daddyhasanouchie,too,”Livstates.

“Hesuredoes.Lookslikeyouhavesomeouchies,tookiddo.”Inodtowardherbandages.

“Ido,butIwasabiggirl.I’mokay,Mommy.AndIevengotaprincessBand-aid!”shesaysexcitedly.

MaybeIshieldedherfromsomeofthehorror.Maybeit’snotasbadasIthinkitis.Ican’tremembera

lotofwhathappenedafterthegunshotsandchaos.ButIknowagunshotwoundisnotmyonlyproblem.

MyparentscometotheheadofmybedasSeth’sparentspatmylegsoftly.

“Sogladyou’reokay,baby,”mymamawhispers.She’slikeme,emotional,soshe’sablubberingmess.

Mydadsmilesatmeashepatsherback.Wespeakwithoutspeaking,andIknowallIneedtoknow.Dad
knowsI’msafe,andhe’lltakecareofMom.

Wevisitforawhile,avoidingtheelephantintheroom—theattack,orwhateveritwas.I’mnotoverly

anxious. I’m not sure if I’m reacting appropriately because everyone sort of tiptoes around me and the
wordstheychoose.Imean,Idon’tfeelsuperawesome,butIdon’twanttokickanyoneoutoftheroom
duetohowIfeel,either.Idoneedtotalktomyhusband,though.Ineedtoknowwe’reonsolidground.I
needtoknowhe’sgoingtohelpmethroughwhateverhedecides.IneedhimtohearmesayI’mnotgoing
anywhere.

I’mfightingalotofweirdandunknownemotionswhenthepainstartstocomeonalittletooheavily.I

wince,tryingnottoshowhowbaditis,butitmustbewrittenallovermyface,becauseeveryonejumps
intoactionprettyquickly.

Seth hands Liv off to Katie and Matt, who’ve come in during visiting hours, and then he ushers

everyoneoutoftheroomasCashcallsforanurse.Itallhappensreallyfast.IfIdidn’tknowanybetter,
I’dthinkthiswholecoordinatedsystemhasbeenrehearsed.

Thenursecomesinandchecksmyvitalsthenexitstheroom,promisingtoreturnwithsomethingforthe

pain.

CashstandsnearthedoorwayasSethtakesmyhand.“Youokay,Mads?”

“I’llbeokay.Itjusthurts,”Isayplainly.

“Iknow,baby.Iknow.”Herubshisthumbacrossmyhandsoothingly.

Thenursecomesbackinalmostasquicklyassheleftandpushesmedicationintomytubesandwires.I

fallasleeptoSethkissingmyforehead,hisscruffbrushingagainstmyskinashedoes.Hesmellssogood.
Iwanttorememberthatsmellfortherestofmylife.

Seth

It’ssohardtoseeMaddieinpain.Itfeelslikesomeone’sshootingmeinthehearteverysingletimethat

etched look comes across her face. I hope for both of us that this severe pain doesn’t last long, but my
trainingtellsmeshe’sgoingtobeinpainforawhile.Icouldn’tkisseverywoundonherbodyevenifI
wasgiventwohourstodoit.She’sreallybeat-up.She’sgoingtoneedme.I’llbethere,too.I’llprove
I’mheretostay.

Asshefallsasleep,Iheadoutandletourfamiliesknowshe’scomfortablysleeping.Idirectthemto

wherethecafeteriais,tellingthemsheusuallysleepsawhilesototaketheirtime.Theynodinagreement
butdon’tmovetheirboots.

Ijustwanttobewithmywifeandchild.
I check in on Liv. She’s happy as she could be. She loves her “Aunt” Katie and “Uncle” Matt, so

hangingoutwiththemisherthing.Theyaskmeifthere’sanythingtheycando.

Idon’thaveanyanswers.Ijustwanttocollapse.ButIcan’t.Notyet.

Cashstepsupandputshishandonmyshoulder.“I’mgoingtosetupthatshittybedtheykeepinpatient

rooms,andyou’regoingtogetsomesleep,Blaze.”

“Whathesaid,”mydadmumblesastherestofthegangnodstheirheadsinagreement.

“IneedtobewithLiv,”Istart.

“We’vegother,”theysayinunison.

“I’vegotthekeytoyourhouse.I’llrunyourparentsandLivbythere,ifthatworks,”Katiesays.

“That’dbenice,actually.Shewillprobablyfeelmorecomfortableathome.Justcallmewhenshe’s

ready to come see Mommy, and we’ll get it figured out,” I say, half talking to them, half talking to my
daughter.

IkissOlivia’sforeheadandmesswithherhairalittle.“Daddylovesyou,munchkin.I’msoproudof

youforbeingsobrave.”

She smiles up at me with a gleam in her eye that reminds me so much of Maddie it physically hurts.

“Mamataughtme.”

“Iknowshedid,baby.”IsmileasCashcomesbackoutoftheroom.

“Hey,whenyouguyscomeback,it’dbesoawesomeifyoucouldbringmesomethingtowearthat’snot

scrubsandboots.”Itrytosmile,lookingatthemessI’min.

“Copythat,brother,”MattsaysashepicksupLivandspinsheraround,makinghergiggle.Idon’twant

tomissanothersinglelaughfrommychildafterthisnightmare.

“You’re set up for sleep. I’ll be one room over if you need anything,” Cash tells me as he pats my

shoulder,exitingMaddie’sroom.

“Hehassomanyweirdconnections,”KatiewhisperstoMatt.

Ilaugh,shakingmyheadbecausetheyreallyhavenofuckingidea.Idon’tevenknow,butIknowit’s

waybeyondmypaygrade.

IescortmyparentsalongwithKatie,Matt,andmybeautifulbabygirloutofthehospitalandthenhead

backuptotheroom.AftercheckingonMaddie,IwalkovertothankCash.

“Nowordsfromyouuntilyousleep,myman.Youlooklikeshit,”hetellsmematter-of-factly.

Ilaughandnod.He’snotwrong.I’msureIlookworsethanIthink.“Roger.Thanks,Garrison,”Isayas

IexittheroomasquicklyasIwalkedin.IheadbackintoMaddie’sroom,kisshersoftlyoneachcheek,
checkhervitalsandhermonitors,andthencrawlintothemostuncomfortablebutcomfortablebedIthink
I’vefeltinweeks.IwatchMaddiefrommyperchforafewmoments,andthenIfallasleepbeforeIeven
realizeI’mastiredasIactuallyam.

IwakeuptoMaddie’smonitorsgoingcrazy.I’vebeenasleepforthreehours,andIhavenoideahow.I

jumpoutofbedandgettoherbeforethenursesdo.

“Hey,settle.Shhhh,”ItellherasInearherbedside.“What’sgoingon?Talktome.”

Sheopenshereyesandlookstome.Notevenabeatlater,hermonitorssettledownandherheartrate

slows.“I’m…”shestartsbutquicklystops,lookingashamed.

“Hey…hey.Noneofthat.Wedon’tkeepthingsfromeachother.What’swrong?”Iaskherasthenurses

comeintodoublecheckallofhervitals.

“Youokay,honey?”onenurseasksMaddie.

Shenodsnumbly.

“I’llgetyousomethingforthepain,”thenursetellsherassheturnstoexittheroom.

“No,Icanwait.I’mokay.Justmovedfunny.”Shesmilesweaklyatthenurse.

“Alright,wellhowaboutlet’strytoeatsomething?Wantsomerealfood,sugar?”

“Thatwouldbefantastic,”Maddiesaysenthusiastically.

“I’llbeback.”

Thenurseexitstheroom,andMaddieletsoutaloudsigh.

“Yougonnatalktomenow?”IsmilereassuringlyatherasItakeherhandinmineandsqueezesoftly.

“Ijust...I’msorry,”shestartsagain,fumblingwiththeblanketinherlap.

“Whatfor,baby?”

“Ihadareallybaddream.That’sall.IfeelbadIwokeyouup.Stupidmonitors.”

“Doyouwannatalkaboutit?”Ireachup,pushingasmallpieceofhairbehindherearbeforesittingin

thechairbesideher.

“No,”shesays,swallowingthelumpinherthroat.

“Don’t do that, Maddie.” I take her small hand in mine again, slipping my fingers in between hers.

“Don’tshutmeout.What’sup?”

She’smyfamily.Ican’tlethersufferalonewithoutatleasttryingtogetthroughtoher.I’msoscared

she’s having flashbacks of whatever she saw—something we still haven’t talked about. It’s driving me
absolutelynutsbecauseIknowwhatseeingthoseterriblethingscandotoaperson.

“IhadadreamIlostyou,”shemumblessoftly.

“Icanassureyouthatyouonlyhadadreamthen.”Ileanover,kissinghertemplegently.I’mrelieved

she’snotrelivingwhateverhorrorshewitnessed.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.Everagain,ifIcanhelpit.”

“Youmeanthat?”Shelooksovertomebrieflybeforelookingdownatourhands,asingletearrolling

downhercheek.

Fuck.Mysweet,sweetgirl.

Ileanover,kissthesingletear,andpullherchingentlytomine.“I’mnotreenlisting,”Iswallowthe

lumptryingtoforminmythroat.

“That’s…No,Seth.That’s...”

“Shhhh.”Iplacemyfingertipoverherlips.

“That’sjustnotwhatImean,”shesaysaroundmyfinger.

“Whatdoyoumeanthen?”

“Ihadadreamyouleftme.YouleftmebecauseIwasbeingsuchabitchaboutthiswholereenlistment

thing.”She’ssqueezingmyhand,whilewipingthetearsnowfreelyfallingdownherfacewithherother
hand.

“No.Maddie,lookatme.”
Shemoveshereyestomineandhertear-soakedhandtomywristthat’sholdingherfacegentlynear

mine.

“I’mnotreenlistingbecauseyouwerea‘bitch.’”Iinhaledeeplyandwanttorollmyeyes.Sheknows

howmuchIhatewhenshetalksbadlyaboutherself.“ImadethedecisionbecauseIalmostlostmygirls.
Not just from whatever happened at the airport, either. I had decided before I landed. I can’t imagine
livingwithoutyou.WhenIseeLivsmilingandhappy,Ican’timaginemissinghersmilesorhergiggles.
ThereareplentyofyoungerguyscominginthatwanttodowhatIdo.It’stheirtimenow.”Determination
fillsmyeyesandvoice.

She’slookingupatmewithtear-filledeyes,andit’sbreakingmyheartbythesecond.

“Imeanit.I’m.Done,”Irepeat.“YouandLivaremylife.Ican’tpromiseIwon’tgetdeployedagain

beforemycontract’sup,butI’mputtinginarequestformedicalleave.You’regoingtoneedhelpandalot
ofrecoveryevenonceweleavehere.Idon’tthinkI’llbegoinganywhere.”

Shefinallylookslikeshegetsit,andshenodssolemnly.

“Whysosad,Mads?”Itrytosmileather,butIcan’tfigureoutwhereherheadisat.

“Iknowhowmuchyouloveit.IfeellikeImadeyouchoose,”shesaysasthenursewalksinwithher

food.

“Eat. I kiss the tip of her nose softly, then her lips, and I wipe her tears with my thumbs. “This isn’t

yourfault.Wedidthis,together.Wewillgetthroughthistogether,too.I’mabigboy,Maddie.Youknow
I’m not making this decision because you threw a tantrum.” I smile at her, genuinely remembering how
child-likeshecangetwhenshereallywantssomethingfromme.

Shenodsagainasthenursegetshertraysetupandadjustsherbed.Imovethechairnexttoherbedso

I’mfacingthesamedirectionsheis,towardtheTV.Ikickmybootsoffandpropmyfeetuponthebed
nexttoher,nottouchingher.

Shefinallysmileswhensheseesmerelax.“That’sagoodlookforyou,babe.”Shenodstowardmy

borrowedscrubs.

“Iknow.Whatdoyouthinkaboutmakingitapermanentuniformforworksoon?”Iask.

SheeatshersandwichaswediscussmyoptionsforwhenIgetout.IalreadyhaveanideawhatIwant

todo.Iwanttobeatraumanurse,maybegotomedschoolandbecomeatraumadoctor.It’sascloseas
I’llgettothefield.Itkeepsmehome,butkeepsmesavingpeople,too.

“Have you thought about med school?” she asks as she pushes her plate away with most of the

sandwichstillleft.

“Ihave,butIcandoalittletrainingandjumprightintonursing,”Isayplainly.“Goodjobonthefood,

baby.Takeitslow,”Iremindher.

“Iam.I’mluckyI’vegotsuchagreatnurse.”Shetriestowinkatme.Herfaceisstillalittlebruised

andswollen,butIseethesmileinhereyes,whereitalwaysiswhenshe’sgenuinelyhappy.

Maddie

Acoupleofdayslater,thingsstillhurtbutaregettingbetter.I’mabletogoacoupleofhours—present

enoughtohaveconversations,butthey’rehellaciousones.Thedoctorsareveryimpressedwithhowwell
I’mdoing.Someofthemsayit’snothingshortofamiraclethatIsurvived.Sethcorrectsthemeverytime,
tellingthemI’masurvivor;it’swhatwedoinourfamily.

Thedoctorshavehadmeupandwalkingsincethedaytheywokemeup.Ihavetouseawalker,and

Sethhastosupportme,usuallywithaphysicaltherapistornurserightbehindme,justincase.

MychesttubeisstillintactfromthelungproblemIhad,andithurtsworsethananythingelseonmy

body.WhenImove,itfeelslikesomethingisscrapinginbetweentwoofmyribs.EverytimeIwince,
Sethlooksguilty.Hesaysit’shisfault,thatheshould’vewaitedtogettothehospital.Thedoctorstellhim
otherwise,andsodoI.Everyonesaysthatwithoutadoubt,Iwouldn’thavemadeitwithoutSeth’sswift
judgmentcall.He’sliterallysavedmenow,ontopofsavingmefiguratively.

Outsideofintensephysicalpainandsomesadnessoverthelossoflifethathappenedintheairport,I’m

okay.We’velearnedalotmoreabouttheattack,andit’shorrific.Livhasmostlyforgottenit.Shecarries
onlikeitwasjustaweirdday,andI’mthankfulforthefamily,friends,andtotalstrangerswhokepther
safeforme.I’vebeenabletothankthemotherswhowatchedher,andthey’vetearfullythankedmeformy
bravery.

Things are really good. They’re better than they’ve been in years, considering the circumstances.

They’renotjustthekindofgoodthatfreshfromdeploymentbringshome,either.Thingsfeellikethey’ve
fallenintoplaceliketheywerethedaywegotmarried,butalittledifferent.Theroadisthesame,butthe
carwe’redrivingismuchbetter.Thefloorplanisthesame,butthewallsarebrighter.Ijustcan’tshake
theguiltIfeelaboutthedecisionwe’vebothcometoabouthimleavinghisPJs.

I’mtryingtopretendeverythingisokay.I’mgenuinelyover–freakin’-whelmedthatSethisnotgoingto

reenlist.ButIfeelso,sobad.HowdoIbringuptheconversation“So,IknowItoldyouIwantedyouto
choose between your family and your job and I know I threatened leaving, but I was wrong and now I
thinkIreallyfuckedup”?IfeelanimmenseamountofguiltabouthisdecisiontogetoutoftheAirForce.
Iknowmyreasonsarefair,butIalsoknowhisintentionsarealwaysgood.Peopledependonhim,and
thosepeoplearen’tjusthisfamilyandfriends.Despiteallofthat,Ifeellikeonethousandbouldershave
beenliftedfrommyshoulders,whichshouldmakemefeelbetter.Butit’sthereasonIfeelsoguilty.

“Whyareyougrindingyourteeth?”Sethinterruptsmythoughts.“Youokay?”

“Oh.Ididn’tevenrealize.I’mfine,babe.”Itrytosoundasgenuineaspossible.Itneverworkswith

him,andIreallydon’tknowwhyIcontinuetotry.

“What’sup,Mads?”SethsaysashesendsatexttocheckonOlivia.“Talktome.”Heputshisphone

awayandkissesmytemple.“She’sfine,”hewhispers.

Inod,swallowingtheknotinmythroat.

“What’swrong,then?”heasks,watchingmyeveryreactionnow.

“Ifeelsoguilty,Seth.”IcanhearhowweakIsound.Itmakesmewanttothrowthings.

“What? Why? No, Maddie. Please don’t feel guilty. I’m telling you I’m 100% at peace with my

decision.I’veneverbeensosureaboutanythinginmylife,exceptforthedayImarriedyou.”Hewinks.

Helooksrelievedtoo.Maybethisiswhathadtohappentomakeusrealizewhatwasmostimportant.

I’msoproudofhim.IproudlywearmyAirForceWifegear.Iproudlytellanyonewhowilllistenthat

myhusbandisaPJandhe’sdamngoodatsavinglives.EveryoneknowsthetagsIweararemyhusbands.
Thinkingofmytags,Igotoclenchthemandthesmallchainfrommyneckisgone.

“I have them, remember?” he asks when he sees me reach for them. I always reach for those tags in

timesofworry.Ialwayswill.Inod,stilllostinmythoughts.

He’ssoproudtobeaPJ.He’ssoproudtoservehiscountry.Helovesthepeopleheserveswith.He

evenkindofreallylikesthemilitarylifestyle.ButmaybehehatesthesamethingsIhate.Maybehehates
not knowing if he’ll come home to his family just as much as I hate not knowing if he’ll come home.
Maybehehateshavingtopullatrigger.

Ishudder.

“What’sgoingoninthatbrainofyours?”Hesqueezesmyhandsoftly.

“IfeelguiltybecauseIfeelrelieved,”Itellhimplainly.“Ifeellikewe’relettingpeopledownandthat

beinghappyaboutitissomehowwrong.”

Hewatchesmewithanalmostdazedlook.Ican’texplainit.It’slikehejustsawsomethinghecan’t

believe.Heshakeshisheadlightly,stoppingtorunhishandoverthefreshscruffonhisface.Heshaved
andshoweredafewofdaysagoandgothisownclothes.HelookslikemySethagain,butheknowsI
lovethatscruff,sohepushesitasfarashecan.Maybenow,it’smoreoutofnecessity,butIstillloveit.

He sits on the edge of my bed, near my hip. I’m sitting up from my earlier walk to hell and back,

countingdownthehoursuntilit’stimeforthemtogetmesomemorepainrelief.

“Youamazeme,Madelyn.”Hewrapshisarmaroundmegingerlyandpullsmetohischest.IwinceasI

getcomfortable,andheusestheremotetoreclineusalittle.

“Better?”heasksasIsettleinwithmyheadagainsthischest,hishandgingerlyonthebackofmyhead.

IfeellikeI’malwayssittingup.Thesepeoplearecrazywiththewalkingandsittingandbreathing.I’m
tired.I’memotionallydrainedthough,andIneedtobreakthroughthatsoIcanrecoverandbeLiv’smom
again,andsoIcanbeSeth’swifeagain.

“Better,”Ianswerasherunshisfingertipsoverthesmallwoundsfromthethumbtacksonmyarm.

“There are not a lot of people who feel as strongly about the way they serve as us, Mads. I say us,

becauseforthefirsttime,maybeever,Irealizeyou’veservedalongsideme.You’vebeentherethrough
every deployment, with a lot of the same fears as I have. You’ve been the rock that held our family
togetherwhenIwasgone.You’veraisedourdaughterwithnotenoughhelpfromme.Youshouldbefed
up,andinsteadyoutellmeyoufeelguiltyforbeinggladI’mheretostay.Ican’tfuckingputitintowords,
andImayneverbeableto.It’snothingshortofstrongandamazing,”hefinishes,kissingthetopofmy
headgently.

“YouknowIdon’tagreewiththestrongandamazingstuff,butIagreethatIfinallyseewe’vealways

beeninittogether,”Isaysoftly.

“We’realwaysgoingtobeinittogether,too”heremindsme.

“Iknow,andI’msolucky.”Ireachovertotakehishandinmine.“HowdoIstopfeelingsoguilty?”

“Idon’tknowtheanswertothat.Idefinitelyhaveittoo.Thesamewayyouhavethatsurvivor’sguilt,I

guess.ButIdon’tknowtheanswertothatoneeither.”Hehalfchuckles.

Itakeadeepbreathinandexhaleslowly,lookingupattheclockandsayingasilenthallelujahthatit’s

almosttimeforpainmedicationagain.

“Iknowwe’llfigureitout,though,”Sethsaysinanswertomysigh.

Mynewnurse,who’sjustaboutreadytodeliverababyanydaynow,smilessweetlyasshewaddlesin

togivememypainmedications.

“You know the drill, Seth. Thanks for keeping her upright,” she says as she checks my vitals.

“Everythinglooksgood.How’syourpain?”sheasksme.

“Prettyrough,”Ianswerhonestly.

“I’ll get you something a little early then. Hang tight,” she says, patting my hand and heading out the

door.

“DoyouneedtogogetLiv,orcanyoustay?”Ibitetheinsideofmybottomlip,lookingupathim.

“I’mhere,Mads.Notgoinganywhere.Liviswithourparents.ItalkedtoMattearliertoday.Heand

Katiewanttocomebywhenyoufeeluptoit.”HefillsmeinonthedetailsI’mmissingouton.

ThenursecomesbackinandputsthemedicationintomyIVasshechecksthechesttubethat’sgrinding

against my ribs. I feel it almost immediately. The heavy feeling that starts to pull me under. My body
relaxesagainstSethasshetossesherglovesintothebinandtellsmeshe’llbebacktocheckonmesoon.

“Sleep,Mads,”hewhispersnearmyear.“I’mhere.”

Iletthemedspullmeunder.

Seth

Anothertwodayspass,andwefinallyfallintoarhythm.Ourparentsarestayingatourhouse,keeping

Olivia. Katie and Matt help wherever they can. Olivia has a pretty scheduled visit to the hospital each
day,andsometimeswhenMadsissleeping,KatiewillcomesitwithherwhileIheadhometoshower
andplaywithourlittlegirlforawhile.

MaddieandIarelearningthewaysthatshe’smostcomfortableandthetimessheneedspainmeds.The

nurses are kind. We are safe, and I’ve let my commanding officer know I won’t be reenlisting. My
contract is up in a few months, and I take leave to help Maddie. They grant me three months, which is
prettytypical,butIwon’tdeployinthetwomonthsI’mbackonactivedutyunlesssomethingabsolutely
insanehappens.

Cash has stuck around and fills us in on the details of the attack. There’s no known organization

claimingit,andallbutoneofthebombersandshootersisdead.Theonewhoisn’tisinacoma.Inshort,
wedon’tknowenough.Thatdoesn’tstopmefromwantingtotaketheirheadsandmountthemonpostsfor
puttingnotjustmycountrybutmyfamilyinthelineoffire.It’sasenselessactofviolencethatpartofme
stillhopeswillbegoneinmydaughter’slifetime.Themilitarymaninmeknowsthat’snotlikelythough.

MaddieandIhavejustgottenbackfromherwalkaroundthefloor.It’salwayssoagonizingtowatch.I

hateseeingherhurt.I’msoreadytoseethattubecomeoutofherchest.

I’mgettingMadscomfortableinbedwhenourverypregnantnursecomesinwithabrightsmileonher

face.

“Guesswhat!”shesaysexcitedly.

“What?”Iindulgeher.

“Chesttubeiscomingout,baby!”Shegrins.

“That’samazingnews!”Ireachoverandhigh-fiveher.

“Will my ribs stop feeling like someone is jabbing a shank into them when it comes out?” Maddie

groans.

ThenurseandIbothlaugh.

“Yup,babygirl.Itwill.You’llbesore,butit’llbebetter,”Itellherasthedoctorcomesin.

“Oh,youmust’vealreadyheard.I’mherewithmoregoodnews,too”hesays,smilingasheglovesup

to help the nurse with the chest tube removal. “Who’s ready to go home?” he says as the nurse lowers
Maddie’sbed.

“Seriously?”Maddiesoundsgenuinelyexcited.

“Seriously,”thedoctorsays,smilingatherthenuptome.“LookoverandtalktoSethformeforafew

minutes,Madelyn.”

Maddielookstome,worryetchedonherface.She’sscaredofmorepain.Itakeherhandinmineand

smileather.

“Thisistheeasypart,prettygirl.”Ismile,moreinlovewithherbyeachpassingsecond.Herbravery

knowsnobounds,andsheinspiresme.

“Seth,you’resosilly.Ilookterrible.”Shesighs.

“Deepbreath,Madelyn,”thenursesays.

Andlikethat,hertubeisout.

“Oh,thatwaseasy.”Shegrinsasthenursetakescareofbandagingupthewoundbetweenherribs.

ThedoctorpullshisglovesoffandstandsatthefootofMaddie’sbed,makingafewnotesonherchart.

“So,ifeverythinggoeswellthroughtomorrow,youguysarefreetogo.”Hesmilesatus.“Butyou’ve

gottapromisetokeepbeingsuchafighterathome.”HenodstowardmebeforelookingtoMaddie.

Shesmilesupathimasthenurseliftsherbedbacktoasittingposition.Thedoctororderssomethinga

littlelighterforpaintoseehowMadsdoesonit,andmyheartfeelssofulltoseesomelifecomingback
intothisroomandintomygirl.

Oncethemedicationisinandshe’sresting,Ileteveryoneknowwe’llhopefullybecominghomesoon.

I come back into the room, expecting to find her asleep, but she’s reclining and watching the news.

She’sshakingherheadandbitingherbottomlip,herchinshakinglikeshe’sgoingtoburstintotears.

“Noooo.No,ma’am.Thisisahappyday.”ImanuallyshutofftheTVonmywaytoherbed.“Doyou

evenrealizewhatthismeans?”IsmileslylyasIsitnexttoher.

“What?Goinghome?Yes.Itmeansnomorecrazypeopleyellingatmetowalkandnomorewiresand

tubes.”Shelaughs.

“Thecrazypersontellingyoutogetupandwalkisgoingtobeme.”Ilaughback.Ileandowncloseto

herearandwhisper,“Itmeanswegettohavemake-upsex.”

Maddielaughssohardshecriesfrombothhappinessandpain.IfeelalittleguiltyforthejokewhenI

realizeshehurts,butI’mgladtoseehersmileagain.

“I’monlykidding.You’renotreadyforthatyet.”Ilaughandkissherjustbehindherear.She’snot,and

Ireallyamonlykidding,butI’dbelyingifIsaidIcan’twaittobethatclosetoheragain.

Twodayslater,wegohome.Oliviacoloredalloverawelcomehomebannerourparentshunginthe

kitchen.Wehavesomecake,wesharesomelaughs,andwewatchOliviaplayinthebackyardalongwith
Katie and Matt. A few of the other families stop by to send their well wishes, and it’s a good day for
Mads. Her pain is very well controlled by oral medication most of the time, and she’s making great
strides.

Shestillhasareallylongwaytogo,andsheknowsthat.Butwe’vedecidedtoletthegooddaysdefine

us,insteadoflettingthebaddayswin.It’stheonlywaywe’vefoundthatworksfortheguiltwefeel,and
nowitworksforthepaintoleranceandrecoveryprocessaswell.

Ourparentsdecidetostayputforacoupleofweeks,butCashheadsbacktoVirginiaafterthewelcome

homecelebration.WeplantoseeeachotheronmuchbettertermsassoonasMaddieisbacktoherself
physically.

Emotionallyandmentallythough,mygirlisstrongerthanever.Myfamilyisstrongerthanever.I’ma

happyman.IhaveeverythingIcouldeverneed,righthereathome.

Epilogue

Fourweekslater

Seth

Oliviaturnsthreetomorrow.Maddieisdoingmostthingsonherown,thoughalittleslowerthanher

usualself.Herphysicaltherapyisgoingwell,andshe’snothadanypost-opinfectionsorcomplications,
whichisjustsheerluck.

Family and Cash are coming into town tomorrow for a birthday party on Saturday. Matt got granted

leave,andhe’ssogladtobeoffborderpatrolduty.Lifeisbetterthanit’sbeeninareallylongtime.For
thefirsttime,Idon’tfeeltheneedtorushoutofthecountrytosavelives.I’vegotaplaninplace,andI
knowIcansavelivesrighthereathome.I’venowseenfirsthandwhatthatcanbelike,andI’menergized
tobepartofajourneythat’sledusthisfar.Ifeelblessedtohavesuchanawesomecopilotinthisthing
calledlife.

Ourbeautifulbabyfallsasleeponme,watchingcartoons,andMadssmilesfromherspotnexttous.
“Sheaskedmehowtotiehershoestoday.”IrubLiv’sbacksoftly,myvoiceatalowrumble.

“Oh,how’dthatgo?”

“ItoldherI’dhavetoreviewmymanual.”

Maddielaughsoutloudbeforecoveringhermouthtomufflethegiggles.

“What?”NowI’mtryingnottolaugh.

“Igrewupwithboys,Mads.Idon’tknowanythingabouthowtoteachalittlegirltotiehershoes.I’m

prettysuremycousinjusttoldmetolearnortogetlost.”

Shegigglesagain.

“Yourmamadidn’tteachyouthebunnyearstrick?”

“I’mprettysureoneofmyfriendstaughtmehowtotiemyshoe,andI’malmostcertainitdidn’thave

anythingtodowithbunnyears.”Ilaughsoftlyasshestartstocrackupagain.

“I’ll teach you. Then you can teach her,” Maddie says, still laughing and standing up slowly. “We

shouldgetherintobed.”Shegrins,walkingtowardus.

“Onit,”ItellherasIstandupwithaway-too-heavytoddlerattachedtomyneck.Icarryhertobedand

tuck her in, leaning down to kiss her forehead before walking back to the doorway where Maddie is
standing.Maddieleansintomysideaswewatchourdaughterinpurepeacefulblissforamoment.Ipull
hercloseandkissthetopofherhead.

“Let’sgetyoutobednow,”Itellher,andwestarttowardourbedroom.Iwatchfromthedoorwayas

sheslowlypullsoffhersweatsandclimbsintobed,wearingmyT-shirtandapairofhercuteboyshorts.
She hasn’t worn those since we’ve been home. It makes my heart shift a couple of beats, seeing her
slowlybecomewhoshewasbefore,butstronger.

“Getoverhere,you.You’recreepingmeout,staringatmelikethat.”Shelaughs.

Ishakemyheadandsmile,runningmyhandalongmybuzzedhair,alittlebotheredbytheboyshorts.

“Letmegetyousomewaterformedsfirst.”Ineedamomenttocomposemyself.

“Wait.Seth.”ShestopsmejustbeforeIenterthehallway.

“Canwepostponethem?”sheasksmeekly.

“Why?”Iaskdumbly.

“Because.Comehere,”shetellsmematter-of-factly.

When I get to the bedside and look at her, the color back in her face and her messy bun back in its

place,I’magainstruckbytheluckIhad.I’msoluckyshe’sstillherewithmeandthatwe’restillokay.

Ileandown,puttingmyhandsoneithersideofher,andkisshersoftly.“Becausewhy?”Iaskagain.

“Becauseit’stime,”shesaysagainstmylips.

“It’stime?”Iamsofuckinglost.

“Seth.Ican’twaitanymore.Ineedyou,”shewhines.

Oh…OH.It’sTIME.

Icrawloverherbodyslowlytomysideofthebedandslipunderthecovers.Wemakesomeofthe

slowest,sweetest,mostpassionatelove.Wemakethekindofloveyoucan’treadaboutinbooksorwatch
inmovies.Weareonewitheachother,andwhilesheissoreandslow,it’sbeautiful.

Ittakesmewhatseemslikeonlyminutestocome,butwhenIlookattheclock,it’sbeenoveranhour.I

didn’tevenknowyoucouldforgettheworldlikethatforsolong.

Whenshefinishes,withalittlehelpfrommyfingersonherclit,Iliedownbesideherandpullherto

me.Sherestsherheadonmychestandsighshappily.

“ThinkI’mhealthyenoughforsex?”Shegiggles.

Iletoutaloudlaugh.I’dbelyingifIsaidIwasn’tworriedaboutherhealthwhenIfinallyrealizedshe

meantshewantedtohavesex,andIneverwould’vepushedherduringatimelikethis.Iwould’vewaited
aslongassheneeded,butIwasgladshedidn’tneedanylongerandsowasmycock,ifI’mhonest,but
thiswassomuchmorethanarelease.Itwasabond.

“Well,doyoufeelokay?”Iask,stilllaughingatherjokebutfeelingthatworrysettleinalittle,too.

“Ifeelabsolutelyperfect,”shetellsmeasshetakesmyhandinhersandlacesourfingerstogether.“I

probably should take my pain meds, and I feel bad that it can’t be the hot sex you want, but that was
beautiful.”

“Noneofthattalk,Mads.Sexdoesn’talwayshavetobehardandhot.Sometimesitcanbeslowand

sensual.Sometimesitcanbehealing,I’vejustlearned.”Irunmyfingertipsalongherspinewithmyfree

hand. “But if you’re ready for meds, I got you, boo,” I finish, rubbing her side and gently pulling her
closertome.

Ileanovertomybedsidetable,pullingoutherdailypillcontainerasshesitsupslowly.Igrababottle

ofwateronthenightstandfromthedaybeforeandpassherthemedications.Shetakesthemandthewater
frommeandswallowsthemquickly.

Weliebackdown,Madswithherheadonmychest,ourfingersintertwined,andmyfreehandroaming

aroundherback.Westaythatwayuntilshefallsasleep.Thebabymonitornevergoesoff.Olivianever
walksintothebedroom,andforanentirenightweareuninterrupted.

There’s no more sex of course, and Maddie is more sore than she’s letting on, so I stay up all night

watching TV as she sleeps on and off. I set alarms for her meds on the hour every four hours. We talk
whenshewakesuptotakethem.Wetalkaboutthebirthdaypartythisweekend,aboutwherewe’lllive
whenI’mout,andabouthowluckyweare.Weonlytalkaboutthegoodthings.

I don’t know where I’ll be next year. I don’t know what job I’ll hold. We’re living in the now and

embracing the good. I know I’m either going to nursing school or med school, maybe both at different
times.Wewillseewherethechipsfall.

Butfornow?

Ifallasleepwithmycopilotonmychestafterherlastroundofpainmedicationsat3:00a.m.knowing

thatsavinghersavedus,andI’llbeforevergratefulfortheroadwetraveledtogetushere,nomatterthe
amountofbumpsandbruisesalongtheway.

Acknowledgements:

Idon’treallyknowwheretostartwiththisthing.Thankingeveryonewhomadethisprojecthappenisa

dauntingtask,butI’mgoingtotry.

I’dliketothankCristinHarberforbelievinginmeandchampioningmywriting.Thisisn’tthefirsttime

she’spushedmeoutofmycomfortzone,andwithouther,youwouldn’tbereadingthisatall.Youlikely
wouldn’tbereadinganythingofmine,andforthatI’llbeforevergrateful.You’reaninspirationandan
amazingfriend.Iloveyoutothemoonandback!

Thankyoutomyfamily,whostuckbymeandbelievedinmewhenIdidn’tbelieveinmyself.Tothe

family and friends who held my hand either physically or from across the miles and let me freak out,
thanks. Ya’ll are amazing. I don’t know how I’d get through my own flightpath without my family and
friends.IknowmymomisgoingtodieifIdon’tgiveherashoutout,sohimom!Iloveyou!Thanksfor
thecreativebrain.Thankstomylittlesisterforansweringallmyweirdmedicalquestionsatweirdhours
oftheday(nursesareprettyrad).

ToCora: Thank youfor pushing meto keep going especiallywhen I thoughtthis whole writing thing

wouldneverpanout.Thanksforencouragingmetojustwriteforme,andnotforanaudience,andthank
youforbeingnotonlyamentorbutafriendthatIlovesoverymuch.Wifeystatusforlife!

To my work family at InkSlinger PR - Thank you for having my back. Thank you for celebrating my

victorieswithme.Thanksforcheeringmeon!SpecialthankstoTaraGonzalesforkillingitasmypseudo
publicist for this project. And big thanks to KP, Nazarea, and JC who were all there that fateful day I
decidedtopitchaproject.Allofyouareapartofaveryspecialtime,andaveryspecialthingforme!

Brie - My anchor. I love you! Thank you for always being my biggest cheerleader. Thank you for

alwaysbelievinginme,especiallywhenIdon’tbelieveinmyself.

Tiffany-Idon’tknowhowI’dsurvivewithoutyou.Neverleavemyside!I’llcryforeverandever.I’m

soluckytohavemetyou.

Toallofmygirls-thankyouforbeingsoexcitedaboutthisproject.Thanksforbabyingme.
Thankyoutothereallifemilitaryservicemenandwomen.Iknowwarisn’tromantic,andIappreciate

theinspirationyougivemetomakereallifeproblemsfictional,sothatmaybesomeonecanrelatetothem
andtakeawayalittlehappiness,orattheveryleastescapeforjustalittlewhile.

Tomybetareadersandcritiquepartners—AnnaBarker,OliviaCraig,DevinWeirich,JessieLane,

andDebbieHoffer—Thankyouforyourinput.Thisbookwouldn’tbethesamewithoutyouguys.Olivia,
yougavemegluethatIdidn’tknowIneeded.Thankyou.Allofyoumademefeellikethiscouldbemore
thanjustathingIdreamaboutdoing,andyoursupportmeanstheworldtome!

ThisbookwouldbeacompletemesswithoutKellyHashway!Thankyouforbeinganawesomeeditor

andfriend.Youmakemeabetterwriter.Youhelpmetogrow,andyoumakemyideaswork.Pleasenever
leaveme!

ThankstoTheKillianGroup-KimberlyandJennifer-fortheamazingcover,thebestformatting,and

beingallaroundawesometoworkwith.

TeamTitan-LYH.Thanksforsupportingme,evenwhenyoudidn’tknowthatyouwere.Whenthiswas

alltopsecretandyoudidn’thaveanyideawhatyouwerecheeringon-butyoucheeredmeonanyway?
Thatwasprettyawesome.Ihopeyouenjoyedthereferencestotheworldwelovesomuch.

Thankyoutoanyonewho’sreadingthis.Thanksfortakingachanceonanauthoryou’velikelynever

heardof.YourreadingmeansmoretomethanIcouldeverputintoanystringofwords.

Thank every single person who’s picked up this book, and every single person who had a hand in

makingithappen.Youarethebrightestlightsinthisdreamofmine.

Want to know more about Titan’s Cash Garrison? You can read about him in Garrison’s Creed by

CristinHarber!-

http://amzn.to/2fV3pfB

AbouttheAuthor

Amber Addison is a southern mama who writes about real life love in small town USA. She enjoys

writingcontemporaryromancethathasit'supsanddownsjustlikethetrialsthatwefaceinourdayto
day.Loveisn'tperfectandshedoesn'tpretendthatitis.

Amberwritesanythingfromswoonworthymilitaryguystosexysoccerplayers.Whenshe'snotwriting

abouthotguysandstrongwomen,she'sreadingorcleaningupanendlesstrailoftoysleftbehindbyher
dogsanddaughterorgettingtattoos.

SocialMedia:

facebook.com/AmberAddisonAuthor

https://twitter.com/Amber_Addison_

instagram.com/AuthorAmberAddison

Copyright©2016AmberAddison

AllrightsreservedunderInternationalandPan-AmericanCopyrightConventions

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsareeithertheproductsoftheauthor’s
imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business
establishments,events,orlocalesispurelycoincidental.

Bypaymentofrequiredfees,youhavebeengrantedthenon-exclusive, non-transferable right to access
and read the text of this book. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded,
decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval
system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter
inventedwithouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofcopyrightowner.

PleaseNote

The reverse engineering, uploading, and/or distributing of this book via the internet or via any other
meanswithoutthepermissionofthecopyrightownerisillegalandpunishablebylaw.Pleasepurchase
only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of
copyrightedmaterials.Yoursupportoftheauthor'srightsisappreciated.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical
means,includingphotocopying,recordingorbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,withoutthe
writtenpermissionofthepublisher,exceptwherepermittedbylaw.

CoverDesignandInteriorformatbyTheKillionGroup

http://thekilliongroupinc.com