Taboo
ByHilaryStorm
Copyright©2016HilaryStorm
KindleEdition
Allrightsreserved.Exceptaspermittedunder
,nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,or
transmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,orstoredinadatabaseorretrievalsystem,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.
Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,character,placesandincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,and
anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,eventsorlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
CoverDesign:DesignsbyDana
PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica
Dedication
Tothosenotafraidtofallinlove!
Tabooisastoryaboutlove.Loveisn’talwayssimple.Infact,oftenit’sextremelycomplicated.
Sometimesit’stabooandyouhavetodecidejusthowmuchyoucarewhatotherpeoplethink.
Taboo
ChapterOne
Noah
"Howmanyfuckingpeopleareinmyhouse,Levi?"HecanbarelyhearmeasIyellathimthrough
thephoneandtrytogethimtohearmeoverthebackgroundnoise.
"Man,I'vegotusafewnewbiestonight,justwaittillyouseetheassandtitsIhavelinedupfor
us."Damnhim.ThelastthingIwantedwasahousefulloftemptationtonight.Thisnewinkandthe
irritationofsittingalldamndayhaveleftmeinashittymood.
"Levi.You'readick."
"Aw,youknowIgotyou.I'llevenletyoupickfirst."
"You'refuckin’right,youwill."
"GetyourassherebeforeIchangemymind."HehangsuponmeandIstartmytrucktogethomeas
quicklyaspossible.Ineedtomakesurethey’renottearingupmydamnhouse.
Hehastofindaplacesoon.Ican'tdealwiththisshiteverynight.Heletstoomanypeoplethrough
thedoorsandmyhouseisgettingtornup.WhenIthrowaparty,it'spreciseandonlythebestofthebest
areinvited.Hejusttossesshitonthebarandcranksthemusicthencallsitaparty,invitinganypieceof
assherunsintothatday.
I'mstillthinkingaboutallofhisbullshitwhenIshiftgearsharderthanImeantopullingontomy
street,andthatevenpissesmeoff.FuckingLevi.
Ipullbesidethedrivewayandbegincursingoutloud.SomeoneparkedatoplessJeepinmy
fuckingparkingspot.Ishouldhavethatpieceofshittowed.Thesoundofmusicstartingupandthe
vibratingofthewindowspullmyattentionawayfromthedrivewayanddirectlyintothewindowofmy
livingroom.
ThereareabouttwentypeoplethatIcansee,mostlywomen.Iglancearoundtolookattherestof
thecarsandtrucksparkedonmygrassandalldownthestreet.Shit.I'mobviouslynotseeingnearly
enoughpeopleinthewindowtoaccountforallofthesevehicles.
Iopenthedoorandit'slikeadamndejavu.ThisisthekindofshitIdidincollege.Alcohol
everywhere.Titsandasseverywhere.Loosewomenreadytodoanythingtomakeittothebedroom
hangingalloverthefewguysintheroom.
"Noah!LookwhoImettodayoncampus."Myeyesmovetohers.Iknowthoseeyes.
"Kali?"Hereyesfall.Thelookofdisinterestisnoted.Levibeginswalkingtowardme,leavingthe
threewomenbehind.She'soneofhistrio.Fuckeralwayspicksthree.It'saguaranteehe'llgetpussy.Hell,
mostofthetimeitmeanshe'sgettingatleastathreesome.
"Yeah,it'sKali.Lookatthosetits,man.She'sgrownthefuckup."
"Dude.Shutup."
"Aw,it'snotlikeshe'syoursisteranymore."
"Idon'tneedyoutellingmewhatsheis."Sheturnsawayfrommeandstartstalkingtoagroupof
girls,actinglikeI'mnotstandingrightherewatchinghereverymove.
"She'smypick."Ilayclaimtoherbeforehehasthechancetoputhishandsonher.Leviisafriend
ofmine,andthat'sthereasonIwanthimtostayawayfromher.Iknowexactlyhowheis.
"Nofuckingway."HestartstowalkawaylikeIwon'tstophimdeadinhistracks.Ifollowhim,
keepingmycool,forthemeanwhileanyway.HestopsnearwherehewasstandingbeforeandImovein
closetohisear.
"It'snotfuckingnegotiable.TouchherandIwillgutyou."Thecockyfuckingsmirkonhisfacegoes
alloverme.HebeginstostareintomyeyesbeforeIturntoleavetheroom,grabbingthebottleofJack
fromthecoffeetableasIwalkpast.
Everyroominmyhouseisfilledwithpeopleandshitisstartingtoalreadygettrashed.Whatlittle
patienceIhadbeforeIwalkedintothishouseexitsmybodywhenIslamthebackdoor.Maybethenight
airwillkeepmefromkillinghim.
Shelooksdifferent.She'snotsupposedtolooklikethat.It'sbeenafewyearssinceIlastsawher
andthatnightwasadisaster.
Itipthebottlebackandfeeltheliquidburnmyinsides.Tryingtoblockthesefeelings,Icontinueto
downtheliquidfire,knowingitwillonlyhelpmegetthroughthisnight.Ifnothingelse,itwillmakeme
notgiveashitaboutanything.It'slikeI'mcallingoutforthatidiotI'vebeentryingtooutgrowtocometo
thesurface.
Isitnearthefirepit,listeningtothewaterfromthewaterfallasithitsthepool.It'sstartingtofeel
peacefulouthere,eventhoughIcanhearthenoiseinside.It'snotlongbeforeIcanfeeltheeffectsofthe
alcohol,whichIwelcome.
Ipullmyshirtovermyheadtolookatmynewchestpiece.It'ssoreasfuck,butexactlywhatI
wanted.
Thesoundofthedooropeningpullsmyattentiontowardher.Sheclosesitbehindher,steppingout
ontothepatiototalkonherphone.Ijustwatchherasshemovesinthoseheels.
"He'shere."Who'shere?
"Yeah,justcomeandgetme.Ishouldn'thavecome.IknewLeviwouldleadmetohim,butIguess
he'snotinterested."Whatinthefuck?
"Justtextwhenyougethere."Shelowersherphoneandstartstogobackinside.Idon'tstopher.
Sheneedstogetthefuckoutofhereandnowistheperfecttime.
SeeingherisgettingtomemorethanIwanttoadmit.She’salwaysbeenasorespotwithmeand
thatwasbeforesheliterallyturnedintoawomanthatcanstealthebreathfrommychestwithjustasimple
lookather.Fuck,whendidshestartlookinglikethis?Ineedtogetherthehelloutofmymind.
Islidemyhoodieovermyshoulders,leavingitopeninthefrontbeforeItakeanotherhugeswigof
Jackandthengobackinside.There’sonlyonewaytomakeherleavehereandneverlookback.It'stime
tofuckingparty.
ThesecondIstepinside,ablondemovesin.It'sasifshewaswaitingonmetoreturn.Thisback
roomhasclearedout,butIcanstillhearthepartyisgoingstrong.
Sherunsherfingersinsidemyjacketandaroundmywaistthenpresseshertitsagainstme.I'mso
fuckinggladshe'sasshortassheisbecauseshemissesthetattoo,justbarely.Glancingoverherhead,I
noticeKalihasenteredtheroomandiswatchingus.She'snotupsetatallandIneedhertofuckinghate
me.Ineedhertowalkthefuckawayandneverlookback.
Islidemyhanduptheblonde'sshortskirt,grabbingassanddippingmyfingersinsideher.Using
theotherhandtoreleasehertits,Ilowermylipstolickthefakeperfectionfillingmyhand.She'sstill
watching.Icanfeelher.
Theblonde'shandsbegintoopenthebuttontomyjeansandthefeelofhergriponmehastobethe
reasonI'msohard.IrefusetobelieveithasanythingtodowithKaliwatchingme.
Theblondebeginstokneelinfrontofme,exposingmeevenmoretoKali.Hermoutharoundmy
cockfeelswarmandsodamngood.It'sinstincttowrapmyhandsinherhairandholdherclose,that'sthe
usual....It'snotnormalformetobelookingintoanotherwoman'seyestheentiretimeI'mgettingblown.
Someonewalksintotheroom,causingKalitoturnandwalkout.Idon'tevenlooktoseewhoit
wasthatentered,it'sirrelevant.Missionaccomplished.
Ilettheblondefinishmeoff;hell,sheevenswallowslikeafuckingchamp.Shetriestopushfor
more,buthonestlyI'mnotinthemood.Igotmine;sheshouldn'tbesuchawhore,droppingtoherkneesso
quickly.
"Nah,I'mgood."Ipullmypantsup,leavingherstandingthere.She'llbepissedoff,butI'msure
she'llgethersfromsomeoneelsetonight.Awhorealwaysdoes.
Iopenthedoortotherestofthehouse,glancingaroundtomakesureshe'sgone.Idon'tseeher,soI
goupstairstomybedroom.I'moverthisnightandallthisfuckingmessthatLeviseemstogetmein.
IsendhimatexttogeteveryoneoutofmyhouseNOW.He'lltakehissweetfuckintime,butatleast
thiswillgettheballrolling.IdialMandy.Shehastogetherbrotheraplacetostaytomorrow.
"What'sup?"
"Ineedyoutofindthisassholeaplace.Tomorrow."
"Whatdidhedo?"
"Everyfuckingnightisadamnparty.I'mthroughwiththatshit.IlikemyhousequietunlessI'mthe
onemakingthefuckingnoise."Iliebackonmybedandsprawloutasshecontinuestotalk.
"I'llseewhatIcanfind."
"It'sonlybecausehe'syourbrotherandwegowaybackthatIhaven'tthrownhisassoutalready."
"AndIappreciatethat.I'lldowhatIcantomorrow."
"What'reyouwearing?"
"Noah....YouknowI'mnotgoingtoplaywithyou."
"Yeah.Can'tblamemefortrying."
"I'vegrowntoexpectit.Howmanyaretheretonight?"
"Myhouseisfullofdrunks."
"Gofindyouapieceofassoutthere."
"Ididn'tseeanythatIwanted."
"I'msureifyoudrank,you'dfindsomeonethatfitsyourstandards.Especiallysincethosestandards
changewithalcohol."
"Heynow."
"Youcan'tevendenyit,Noah."
"Tellmehowsoftyourtitsare."
"Goodnight,Noah."
"COMEON."
"Noah,seriously.Youknowhowfuckingsoftmytitsare.Youknowthey'reafull-sizeD,andyou
knowexactlyhowitfeelstorunyourtongueoverthem."
"Keeptalking."
"NOAH.I'llseeyoutomorrow."Ihearthelinegosilent.Whydowehavetobesogoodatfucking
andsoterribleatrelationships?I'veknownMandysincehighschool,andLeviishertwin.
She'salwayshadhershittogether,whereasLeviisobviouslyadifferentstory.That'sexactlywhy
I'vespentmoreofmylifechillingwithLevi,butthingshavechanged.I'mnotreadytogobackwardsin
lifewheremyhouseisconstantlytrashedandthecopsarecalledjusttokeepthenoisedown.
ChapterTwo
Noah
IlietheremostlyinthedarkandstarttothinkaboutKali.NomatterhowhardItrytoswitchmy
thoughtsto,hellevenMandy,Ican’thelpbutstayfocusedonthewayshelookedwatchingme.There'sno
doubtinmymindthatshewasturnedonwatchingme.Iswearifitwould'vebeenanotherwomanstanding
therelikethat,Iwould'vewalkedawayfromtheblowjobandapproachedherjustoutofcuriosity.
Anyonewhocanhandlethathastobeafuckinfreak.KnowingthewomanthatIconstantlythinkaboutis
atthatlevel...shouldflipmethefuckout,butdamnit,itdoesn't.Itintriguesme.
Istandandremovemyjeans,droppingeverythingtothefloor.Mydickistwitchingbacktolifeand
Istarttoconsiderwalkingbackouttheretobringapieceofassintomyroomtoplayforthenight.Ineed
towashthelastwhoreoffofmefirst.Infact,ahotshowersoundsdamnperfect.Icanstillheartheparty
goingstrong,eventhoughItoldthatfuckertoendit.HehasuntilIfinishthisshowerandpullmypickfor
thenighttogetpeopleoutofmyfuckinghouse.
Tossingmyphoneonthedressernearthebathroomdoor,Iglanceatthepictureofmewithmydad
thatsitsundertheonlylamplitintheroom.I’malmostpositivethatpicturehadtobethatsummerwe
movedawayfromKaliandhermom.Ihadjustturnedeight….shewould’vebeensix.Irememberbeing
confusedbywhatwashappening.ThatsummerwasthebeginningofthelifeIwouldcometoknowalltoo
wellwithadrunkenfatherthatdoesn’tevengiveafuckifhissoneats.Ihaven’tseenhiminyearsand
don’tplantoseethatassholeanytimesoon.
IstopdeadinmytracksrightafterIstepintothebathroom.Thatsilhouettecaughtmyattention.I
reallyneedtogetmyheadoutofmyassandtakenoticeofmysurroundings.Itwasn’tuntilthebathroom
lighthitthatcorneroftheroomthatIevenhadafeelingIwasbeingwatched.
Icouldletheroffeasilyandjustgetintotheshower,allowinghertoescape….butwhat’sthefun
inthat?
Instantlyopeningthedoorandtakingastepback,Ibegintomovearoundtheroom.She’sstanding
now,frozeninmidstep,butIdon’tletonthatIseeher.
Whatthefuckisshedoinginmybedroom?Thisshitisgettingoutofcontrol.It'sonethingformy
mindtobethinkingofher,butforhertokeepshowingupinmyactualfuckingspace...that'sadifferent
situationaltogether.
MyangerstartstosparkthoughtsofhowtohandlethisandIquicklychoosetoteachheralesson.
Sheshould'veneverwalkedthroughthefrontdoorofmyhouse,letalonethefuckingdoortowhereI
sleep.
Grabbingapairofshorts,IwalktothedooronamissionasIstepthrougheachleg.Thisisa
momentI'mgoingtosayasilentthankyoutoLeviforbeingapaininmyassandnotlisteningabout
gettingeveryoneoutquicklybecauseIcanstillhearthecrowd.Turningthelightonandleavingthedoor
open,Istepoutintothehallway.
There'sahotbrunettewalkingdownthehalltowardtheroomLeviiscurrentlystayingin.
"Hey."Sheturnsherheadwithasexyovertheshoulderlookandstopsinhertracksatthesoundof
myvoice.
"Oh,hey."Herhandsgotoherlonghairasshestartstotwirlonefingerthroughafewstrands.
Idon'ttakeastepoutofmydoorway,there'snofuckingwayI'mlettingthepersonbehindthat
silhouetteescapebeforeshegetsaneyefullofwhysheneedstostaythefuckawayfromme.
"Comehere."Thebrunetteturnsandwalkshersexyassstraighttowardme.Herlegsgoonfordays
inthoseheelsandthatshortreddress.Eachofherstepsisdirectlyinfrontofthelast,causingherhipsto
movewithperfection.Shit,thiswillbesuchaperfectlessonforKali.
"WhatcanIhelpyouwith?"Hereyelasheshavetobefake,they'retooperfectnottobe.
"Tellmeyouhaveafriendthatyoucanbringtomyroomtojoinus."
"Whatexactlydoyouhaveinmind?"Imoveslowlytowardhermouth,lookingdeepintohereyes.
Iletmyhandslideuphersmallcurves,purposelybrushingeveryinchofskinmyhandcancover.Slowly
slippingmyfingersintothehaircoveringthebackofherneck,Igriptightly,pullingherheadbackwith
theforceofmyaction.Hereyeswidenandshebeginstosmile.
"YouknowwhatI'mafter,gofindsomeone."Idropmyhandfromthegripofherhairandturntogo
backintomyroom.
She'smovedfromthefrozenstateshewasinearlier.Idon'tseeherrightaway.Ifitweren'tforthe
factthatInoticedmyclosetdoorwasclosedearlier,I'dhavenoideathatshewasstillinhere.
Ipurposelyopentheclosetdoorallthewayandturnonthelight,beforeItossmydirtyclotheson
thefloorjustinside.Remainingnonchalantisentertainingtome.IshouldreallybenicetothegirlIused
tocallmysister,butthatshipsailedafewyearsago.
AniceguywouldneverdowhatI'mabouttodo.
Thebrunettedidn'tdisappoint.NowI'mtryingtodecidewhoIshouldstartwith.There'sablonde
withfaketitsandgoldenbrownskin,aredheadwithfairskinandfromwhatIcantellaverynicesetof
realtits,andthenofcoursethebrunetteImetinthehall.Ihonestlycouldn'thavechosenthembetter
myself.
Allthreearehalfdressedtostartwith,notthattheydidn'tentertheroomslidingtheirstrapsdown
andtheirshirtsoff.
I'mdeliberatelystandingwithmybacktothecloset.IfKaliiswatching,she'sgotmynakedassas
herviewwithmyhandslidingupanddownmydickasItrytoprepareforthislittleshow.
Thegirlsbegintotouchme,notleavingeachotheroutintheprocess.Ithastobetheirnailssliding
acrossmyskinthat'sbringingthischilltothesurface.AlthoughIdolovethethoughtofsomeonewatching
me,inthepastIalwaysmadesureeveryonewasinontheaction.Thistimethatwillbedifferent.She'll
bewatching.I'llfeelhereyesonmeasIfuckthesewomenandtrynottothinkabouther.ThewomanI
usedtolivewithasachildandconsideredasister.WhatkindoffuckedupshitamIdoing?
Iletthethoughtsofmyactionsrunthroughmyheadwhileatleasttwoofthemdroptotheirknees.
Turningsideways,Igiveherabetterviewandthefeelingofherwatchinghitsmedeep.Mydickbecomes
rockhardknowingshe'sseeingthisandIhatemyselfforwishingitwashermouthfullofmydick.Her
tonguerunningunderthefulllengthandgivingmethatmoanofappreciationwhensherealizesjusthow
longandwidemybigdickreallyis.
Handsareeverywhere.Idon'thavetodoathing.Theyallknowwhattodo.Istandtherewithmy
legsjustfarenoughapartforthemtosuckonmyballsaswell.Thisisabonusforme.Veryfewwomen
willputballsintheirmouth.
Theblondemovestothebedwithbothhandspullingmealongwithher.Iletherleadmeknowing
howthiswillgo.Iwillfuckallnightlong.Iwillhiteveryangleofeachofthesewomenandholdmy
releaseuntilIcanbarelystandthethoughtoffrictiononmydick.ThisishowIusedtodothisanduntil
nowIdidn'tthinkIwouldwanttoeverdoitagain.
Ireachforacondomandslipitintoplace.GettingaviewofallthepussyI'mabouttofuck,Istand
andbegintocontemplatethisentirething.
Thisisadickmove.Iknowthis.Sheshouldbewalkingoutofhereandnottoleratingmyshit,yet
fromwhatIcantellshe'sstillinthatfuckingclosethidingasifshe'snothere.
Thewomenbegintolickandkissandfingerfuckeachother.Theliquidsoundsofsmackinginthe
roomfillsmyears.Wetness.Somuchfuckingwetnessatmydisposal.
Idipmyfingersdeepintothebrunette.Pullinghermoistureoutandleavingitalloverher,Iletmy
fingersslideupanddownthecrackofherass.
Shearchesherbackandtiltsherasstogivemethebestviewofherinallherglory.Sopinkinside,
soperfectlywaxedontheoutside.There'snothingprettierthanthatrightthere.
Loweringmyface,Ibegintotastewheremydickwillbeslidingverysoon.
Iusemyhandstoliftherhipsandspreadheropen,rightbeforeItonguefuckher.Myteethgripher
clitandtug,causinghertoscreamoutasmyteethslideoverherclituntilitslipsfrommygrip.
GlancingupasImakelongstrideswithmytongue,IcatchaglimpseofKalimovingoutofthe
closet.Iletmyheadturntofullyseeherfaceandit'sfullofdisgust.She'sslowsteppingtowardthedoor
tryingtoleavewithoutasound,butIneedtomakeapoint.
Imovequicklytowardthedoor,meetingherjustasshereachesit.Hereyeswon'tmeetmine.Her
breathingisheavyandherchestispracticallyburstingoutofhershirt.I'mnotsureifit'sherheartbeating,
herbeingturnedon,oracombinationofboth.
ShereachesfortheknobandIraisemyhandoverherheadtosecurethedoorclosed.She'sfacing
itnow,headlowered.MynakedbodygravitatestowardherasItrymyhardestnottosmashheragainst
thecolddoorandgrindonthatbeautifulbody.Mydickisreachingforher.Ourbreathsbegintocome
simultaneouslyandIclosemyeyesbeforeIsaythesewords.
"Whyismysistertryingtowatchmefuck?"Myvoiceisdeep.Grumblyandbreathy.
"I'mnotyoursister."
"Wouldyourmomagree?"Shedoesn'trespondbutlowersherheadevenfurther.Herhandslides
behindherandovertheskinthat'sscreamingtotouchher.Soclosetothedickthat'spracticallybegging
forher.Iwantthistouch.Iwanttofeelhergrip,hernailstoleavemarkssoI'llhavethememoryofher
beingthere.ButIcan't.
"Kali.Youusedtorefertomeasyourbrother.Staythefuckoutofmybedroom."
"Orwhat?YouknowI'mnottheonlyonefeelinglikethis."Sheturnstofaceme.Lookingcloseinto
mysoul,toofuckingclosetothedepthsofmythoughtsasshemovesmeclosertoher.Mynakedbodyis
touchinghers.Herhipsagainstmine,Ilowermyforeheadtohersandshareherairforafewmomentsof
breathing.Myarmisstillholdingthedooraboveherhead,butIcan'tgetenoughairlikethis.I'm
suffocating.
Ipullmyeyesawayfromhersandbackaway.Hertouchisinstantlymissed.
"Kali,you'djustbeanotherpieceofass.I'drathernothavetolivewiththefactthatIfucked
someoneIcalledmysister."
"Wearen'tevenrelated."
"Familyisn'tdefinedbyblood.Iwillneverfuckyou."
"Imissyou,Noah."Imissyoutoo.Ican'tsaythistoher,Ineedhertoleavebeforemyinternal
strengthgivesintowhatIreallywant.
"Kali.Youneedtogetthefuckoutofmyhouse.Idon'twantyoutocomeback.JustlikeItoldyou
yearsago,thiswillneverhappen."Droppingmyhandfromthedoor,Iturnandwalkmynakedassaway
fromher.I'mthinkingbeingnakedisn'tprobablythebestwaytohavethatconversation.Goddamnit.I
should'vejustthrownheroutwhenIsawherinmybedroomatfirst.ButIhadtogoandtrytoprovea
fuckingpointthatsheneedstostayawayfromme....AndthenIendupplasteredupagainstherbody,
wantingtobedeepinsideher.
"Yeah,Iremember....It'staboo.Offlimits,againsttherules.Takecare,Noah."Thesoundofthe
doorclosingstopsmeinmysteps,she'sgoneagain.Iseethethreewomenonmybed,lickingandfucking
asifIweren’tevenmissingfromtheirequation.HowisitIwasabletotunethisoutwhenIwaswith
her?Thisiseveryman'sdream.Everymanbutme.
"Getthefuckout."
ChapterThree
Noah
Thisnightwillneverend.Ifinallykickedeveryoneoutofmyhouse;well,everyoneexceptthe
whorewithLevi.Thesoundsoffuckingcomingfromhisroomaremylaststraw.
Igrabmysweatpantsandputonmyrunningshoes.Hopefullyarunwillhelpmegetridofsomeof
thisaggression.Tobehonest,Ishould'vefuckedthosewomen.Ishould'vefuckedthemsohardthatIhad
nochoicebuttosleep.
IhearLevibringingithomejustasIclosethedoor.Someonegotspecialtreatmenttonight;he'snot
usuallythetypetogiveoutmultiplemomentsworthscreamingover.Iknowthisfromyearsofbeingnear
hisfuckingasswhilehegivesnofucksaboutwhoisinhisvicinity.Whenhewantstofuck...hefucks.
Thestreetsaredarkandtheairisheavy.Theweightonmyshouldersismakingmemoveslower
thannormal.Whythefuckdoessheinsistoncomingnearme?Yes,it'staboo.Yes,she'sofflimits.Yes,
that'sdisgustingtofallinlovewithsomeoneyouknowasasister.I'llalwaysloveher,butIcan'thandle
hernearme.Mymindandheartaren'tonthesamepagewhenitcomestoKali.Ican'tletmydickbreak
thetiebecauseIknowwherethat’llend.
Shecouldn'tgrowupfatandugly...noshe'sfuckingsexyandsadly,doesn'tevenknowit.I've
stoppedmyselfmanytimesrightbeforeaslipoftellingherjusthowbeautifulsheis.I'vereplayedone
specificmomentfromhighschoolnolessthanamilliontimes.
Shewasbroken.Somedickheadboyfriendofherswasfuckingacheerleaderwhoreafteragame.
ShewasinhercarcryingintheparkinglotwhenIwalkedby,soIstoppedtocheckonher.Shewrapped
herarmsaroundmeandcriedintomychest.Iheldherthroughhertears,notcaringwhowaswatching.I
rememberherrelaxingwhenmyhandsliddownherback.Sheheldmetighter,almostlikeshedidn'twant
toletmego.Iletthenightairwrapusuntiltherewasn'tasinglepersonleftintheparkinglot.
Shefinallypushedawayfrommejustslightly,notwantingtolookmeintheeye;shekeptherhead
lowered.Usingmyfingerstoliftherfaceandmythumbstodryherremainingtears,Imovedherfaceuntil
itwaslinedupwithmine.
Timefroze.MymoralsandmygiveafuckswentoutthewindowasIstoodandheldher.Icould
seeherthinkingandshewasstrugglingwithwhatwashappeningmorethanIwas.Hertonguesliding
overherlipwasthelasttestonmyrestraint.Leaningforward,Iletourlipsmeet.Itwasslowatfirst,like
weweremakingsureweweren'tgoingtobezappedstraighttohellforwhatwashappeningbetweenus.
Ourtonguesmetevenmoreshyly,thenitwaslikeacravingpassionovertookusboth.Icouldn'tgetdeep
enoughintohermouth,intoherarms,intoherspace.IwantedtobeeverywhereandIcouldn'tgetthere
fastenough.
Myhandsmovedunderhershirt;sheslidherhandsundermine.Wekneweachothersowell,but
thiswasusexploringeachotherfortheveryfirsttime.HerskinwassosoftandIhatethatIcan
practicallyfeelitonmyfingersrightnow.
Istoprunning,gaspingforairandfightingforabreathsohardthatIhavetobendandplacemy
handsonmyknees.ThesweatfrommyheadrollsdownmyfaceandovermyeyessoIdecidetowalk
what'sleftofmypathbacktomyfrontdoor.Thinkingaboutthatnight.ThinkingabouthowI'mstilltothis
daythankfulIstoppedthatfromgoingwhereIwanteditto.Howsheheldontighthopingformoreand
listeningtohertearsagainasIknewIwasbreakingherevenmorethanthatdickheadshewasseeing.
Thenextdaywasbrutal.Wordgotoutthatwehadthatmomentintheparkinglot.Thatdickhead
wastryingtojustifyhisactionstoeveryone,sohewentpublicwithaphonepictureofKaliandme.
Luckilyitwasjustmeholdingherandwewereabletokeepthetrulyprivatemomentexactlythat.
Steppingintomykitchen,Ismellcoffee.I'mgonnaneedcoffeetogetthroughthisday.Levidoesn't
drinkit,soI'msureit'shiswhorethat'sactuallyupandaround.Idon'tfeellikedealingwiththe
awkwardnessofmeetingwhoeveritisinthekitchen,soIgrabacupandpourquickly.Ihearthedoorto
thepantryjustasIfinishtoppingoffmycup.
Igrabahandtowelfromthedrawerandturn,hopingtoescapewithoutbeingtalkedto.Mygrip
tightensonmycupwhenIseeher.She'swearingablackt-shirtofLevi's.Shemayormaynotbewearing
underwearunderneath.Herhairissofucked.Shehas'fuckedallnight'hair.Ithitsmeinthatmomentthat
itwasherscreamskeepingmeup.Itwasherinthebedthatwasslammingintothewallofmybedroom
allgoddamnnight.
Mysqueezeisnomatchforthecoffeecupinmyhandasitshattersinmygrip.Hotcoffeeexplodes
alldownmybodyandalloverthefloor.
"FUCK."Myskinscreamsinpainastheliquidrunsthroughmyclothes.Iripmypantsdownand
myshirtoff,tryingtokeeptheheatofthecoffeefromburningmeevenfurther.It'ssofuckinghot.
"DAMNIT!"
"Shit,Noah.Areyouok?"
"Fuckno."Shewetsatowelandstartspattingdownmykneesandthighs.She'skneelinginfrontof
mewhenLevienterstheroom.
"What'salltheyelling?"
"Thefuckingcoffeecupbroke."
"Shit,man,I'msorry."
"Shutthefuckup.Iwantyououtofmyfuckinghousenow.Youneedtogrowupandgetyourown
damnplace."
"Whoa.Ididn'tpourcoffeeonyou,asshole."
"No,butyouhavedonenothingbutfuckshitupsinceyoumovedin."Shestandsandmovesaway
fromme,kickingmypantsovermytennisshoes,whichonlypissesmeoffevenmore.
"IsthisbecauseIfuckedKali?"
"Don'tfuckingsaythattomeagain.Youcanfuckherallyouwant.Apparently,shehasnorespect
anddoesn'thaveaproblemfuckingyournastyass."
"Noah,stop."Shestepsforwardwithhesitation.
"Fuckoff,Kali.Youshouldn'tevenbehere."
"Look,I'llletyoutalkhowyouwanttome,butleaveKalioutofthis."Leviinterruptsandonly
sendsmeintoadeeperrageaboutthisentiresituation.
"Oh,nowyouactlikeyourespecther.HowmanyyearshaveIheardhowmuchyou'dliketofuck
thatassofhers?Abouthergoddamntits?Thisisagirlthatwasonceasistertome,youfuckingdick."
"Whatdoesitmatter?Youthrewmeoutlastnight.You.Threw.Me.Out.Beforeyoufuckedyour
ownwhores.I'mleaving.I'mnotgoingtoputupwiththisshitfromyou,Noah.IcanfuckwhoIwant.I
canbewhoIwant.Youwantnothingtodowithme,remember?"She'sstompingoutofthekitchenwhen
Levistepsclosertome.
"Look,Icantellyoufuckingloveher.Ishouldn'thavetakenhertobed,butIwon'tapologizeforit.
Becauseit'smakingyouseeredrightnow.Maybenowyou'llfuckingquitworryingwhateveryonethinks
andgrabthatonethingyou'remissinginlife."Kaliisfumblingwithherthingsasshewalksbackin.Her
clothesaretwistedasshetriestostraightenthem.Levistopsherandbrushestheloosepieceofhairoutof
herfaceandIhavetolookawayforabriefsecondbeforeIfindmyselfwatchingagain.
"Ihadagreattimelastnight.Letmeknowwhenyouwanttodoitagain."Hiswordsaredeep,with
thatsmoothwayhetalkstowomenhe'stryingtoreelinforafuck.Sheleansintohishugandkisseshis
lipswithaquickpeck.WhatinthefuckamIwatching?
IwatchthembothleaveoutthedoorandItorturemyselfevenfurtherbymovingtothewindowand
followingthemdownthedriveway.IfinallyseehergoingtothatpieceofshitJeepthat'sparkedinmy
spot.Ishould'vefuckinknownthatwashers.
Shegetsinandstartsuptheengine.Icanseehimleaninforanotherkiss,soIturntowalkaway.
WalkthefuckawaybeforeIkillthismotherfucker.Hehasnofuckingrighttoherlips.Toherbody.To
touchherwhereIwanttobetouching.IswearI'llguthimifheeventhinksthiswilleverhappenagain.
IhearthedoorslamjustasIenterthelivingroom.He'sinthekitchenrunningwaterbeforeImeet
himagain.
"Levi,getthefuckoutofmyhouse."
"Noah,coolyourshit.Ihavetofindaplacefirst."
"That'sjustit,you'vebeentoldsomanyfuckingtimesandyou'renotevenlooking."
"I'lllooktoday."
"You'refuckingrightyouwill.Iwantyououtbytonight."
"Ican'tfindaplaceinoneday.Ineedatleastaweek."
"Youhavethreefuckingdays."
"IcouldalwaysgostayatKali'sforafewdays."
Hiswordsmakemeirate.Ican'tstopmyselffromtheurgetodiveacrossthegapbetweenusand
grabhimbytheneck.Myfingersaresqueezinghisneckwhenhepunchesmeinthesideandnowit's
fuckingon.I'mfilledwithsomuchragethatIcan'tseeclearly.It'sasifit'sallablurandI'mjustactingon
chaosandinsanity.Webothkeeplandinghitsthataremeanttohurtbadly.
Ifinallygetsomeleverageandgethiminachokehold.Myarmshavehimlockedsofuckingtight
andhisfingersscrapemyforearmwhenhetriestogetmetorelease.Isqueezetighter.Whatthefuckhas
happenedtomeinthelasttwelvehours?
HeelbowsmeintheribsandIfinallyletgo.
"Whatthefuck?"He'sgaspingandtryingtocatchhisbreathandIwatchhimwithbarelyany
regard.
"I'mfuckingdone,Levi.Iwarnedyou.Don'tyouevertouchheragain."
"Awbutsee,Noah.Youhavenoclaimonher."He'sbentholdinghiskneesashelooksupatme,
speakingthroughbigbreaths."That'sonyou."
"ThefuckIdon't.Levi,Isweartoyou...Iwillcutyoufromyourasstoyourthroatifyousomuch
astouchher."Islamhimintothewall,forcinghimtostandandfaceme.Welookeyetoeyeforafew
secondsbeforehegivesmeaslightnodofacceptance.
Ipushoffofhimandbegintowalktomyroom.HiswordshitmeasIturnthecorner.
"Noah,whenareyougoingtofuckingdosomethingabouther?I'vewatchedyouliveunhappilyfor
years."Ikeepwalking.Hehasnoideawhathe'stalkingabout.
ChapterFour
Kali
Ishould'veknownnottogoovertherelastnight.Imisshim.Hewasmyperson.HewastheoneI
wenttowhenmylifegotcomplicatedandhealwaysknewwhattosay.It'sbeenyearssinceI'veseenhim
andIjustwantedtomakesurehewasallright.ImeanI'veheardhe'sverysuccessful,andbythelooksof
hishouse,he'sdoingwellforhimself,butIneededtoseeitformyself.MaybeIhadsomeslighthopehe
wouldbehappytoseeme.Hell,maybeevenmissingmetoo.
Therevengesexwasprobablyuncalledfor,butIdidn'twanttogohomealoneaftertheshitIsaw
himdolastnight.Heobviouslyhasnorespectformeanddoesn'twantmeinhislife.Levijusthappened
tobesayinggoodbyetothelastguestfromthepartylastnightwhenIwalkedoutofNoah'sroom.His
armsfeltnice.HemademefeellikeIwasthesexiestwomanaliveandhonestlyforamoment,Ibelieved
him.Herockedmyworldwiththosepositionchangesallnightlong.IfeellikeI'vebeenfucked
thoroughly.It'sbeenawhilesincethat'shappenedanditwaslongoverdue,yetIfeellikeshitfordoingit.
What'sNoah'sdeal?HewassodisgustedbymebeingtherethismorningthathegotpissedatLevi
foreventouchingme.
Stoppingataredlight,Icatchaglimpseofmyselfintherearview.Nothinglikethedriveofshame
inanopenJeep.Iglanceoverandseetheguyinthecarnexttomelookingmeupanddown.Idon'tgeta
verygoodlookathimbecausehestartstorolldownhiswindowandtriestotalktome.
"Hey."Itrytoignorehim,butheknowsIcanhearhimwithoutthetopon.
"Hey,I'mtalkingtoyou."Iturnuptheradioinhopesofdrowningouthisvoicejustasthelight
turnsgreen.Webothmoveforwardandhestartstopaceme.Ispeedupinhopesoflosinghim,buthe
doesthesame.Thenextlightisredtoo,sowehavetostopagain.He'sadeterminedasshole.
"Bitch,I'mtalkingtoyou."He'sgettinglouder.Thesongendsjustashebeginstoyellagain.
"LookatmeorI'mgonnateachyouhowtolookatmewhenIfuckyouagain."
Islideonmysunglassesandtrytohidethefactthatmyheartisracingoutofcontrolandmyskinis
crawlingindarkmemories.Iknowthatvoicenow.
ThelightturnsgreenandIslamonthegaspedal.Knowinghe'llfollowmyactions,Ihitthebrakes
quickly,makingaquickleftturnwithoutslowingdownverymuch.MyJeepbeginstofeelalittlelighton
theleftsideasImaketheturnandIimmediatelyregretmakingthisdecision.
Timebeginstostandstillasmyworldstartstotumble.I'mtryingtoholdthewheelastheJeep
beginstoslide.I’mjerkedalltohellwhenIhitsomethingandtheJeeptopplesoverandoveruntilit
finallycomestoastoponthedriver’sside.
Reachingformyphoneinthebackpocketofmyjeans,IpraytoGodthathedoesn'ttrytogetme.I
unlatchmyseatbeltandfallintothedoor,tremblingasItrytothinkaboutwhereIam.Ican'tfeelanypain
throughmyheartracingasIhitredialonthelastnumbercalled.
Levi.
"Youmissmealready?"
"Levi,Ineedyou.Pleasehurry."
"Whereareyou?"
"CornerofFirstandOakTree."
"Areyouhurt?"
"Idon'tthinkso.He'safterme.IwreckedmyJeep."
"Onmyway.Stayonthephonewithme,Kali."
"Pleasehurry."
"Whoisafteryou,Kali?"
"Just....Levi.Pleasefuckinghurry.Ican'ttalkaboutitrightnow."
"Kali,fuckingtellmewhatIneedtoknowbeforeIgetthere."
"Ihearacar.Ican'ttalkrightnow."
"Damnit.I'mhurrying.Didyoucall911?"
"No."
"Fuck,Kali.Areyousureyou'renothurt?"He'syelling.Iknowit'sbecausehe’sscaredforme,but
Ican'ttakeit.MyadrenalineisinoverdriveandI'mterrifiedashellouthere.
"I'mfine."
"Isanyoneinthere?"IhearawomanfromoutsidetheJeep.
"Yes,I'minhere."Shecomesarounduntilshecanseeme.
"I'mcalling911,they'llbehereverysoon."
"Thankyou."Levistartstotalktomeagain.
"Whowasthat?"
"Awomanishere."
"911,weneedhelp.AladyhasflippedherJeepandIseefluidrunningallovertheground.Please
hurry."Icanhearhervoicegettingquieterasshetalkstothedispatcher."Shit,Levi.There'sfluidleaking
fromtheJeep."
"I'malmostthere.Canyougetout?"
"TheJeepisonitsside.Icantry."
"Areyousureyoushouldmove?"
"IthinkI'mok."Iputhimonspeakerandstarttopullmyselfupfromaroundthesteeringwheel.I'm
feelingsoreacrossmychestfromtheseatbeltandthisissuretobeonehellofabruise.
IcanhearthesquealoftiresjustasIfreemylegs."Shit,pleasetellmethat'syou."
"I'mhere."HisfootstepsarepoundingontheroadjustasIhearhimsayit.
There'sliquideverywhere.IcansmellgasasIfinallystarttogetagriponmysurroundings.I'm
justabouttoliftmyselfoutofthepassengerdoorwhenLeviscoopsmeupinhisarmsandrunsfromthe
Jeep.HisstrongbodyisaninstantfeelingofsafetyandItrynottobethetypicaldamselindistress
wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck,butshit,I'mtryingtosupportmyselfalittle.
He'sstillrunningwhenIfeeltheblast.TheheatfromtheflamesurroundsusasIwatchtheinferno
reachoutandsendustotheground.He'ssomehowcoveredmewithhisentirebodyandwe'refaceto
faceinwhathastobearockgardenwithgrassgrowingthroughit.Hiseyessearchformineandhedrops
hisforeheadtorestagainstminejustashelocatesthem.Hisbodycollapsesontomewhenhesetshis
elbowsnexttomyfaceandhisarmsaroundmyhead.Hisfingersgettangledinmyfucked-uphairandI
screamoutinpain.
"Oh,shit.Sorry.Fuck,thatwasclose."Hisbreathacrossmyfacesmellsofbacon.Thisisn'tquite
asromanticasthemovies,butrightnowinthismoment,thatbaconbreathjustsavedmylife.
"Damn,Levi.You'reheavy."
"Shit,sorry.IguessIcollapsedonya."Herollsoffofmeandstartstolookmeover.
"Thankyouforsavingme."ItrytositandIwincefromthepainIfeeleverywhere.
"You'regoingtothehospitaltobecheckedout."
"Ouch.Shit,whatamIon?"
"Wellit'sashittypatchofgrassandstickers.I'mprettysurethere'srockstoo."
"Canthisdaygetanybetter?"
"Well,Iforonethoughtitstartedoffgreat."IignorehimasImovetostand.MyJeephasrolling
blacksmokefillingtheskyoverhead.Thesoundofmanysirensareinthedistance.Ilookforthewoman
andseeheracrosstheparkinglotwalking,soIknowshe'sok.
AsImove,Icanfeelthepiercingsofmanystickersacrossmybackandass.Thisisgoingto
fuckingsuck.
"Canyouhelppullsomeoftheseout?"
Hiseyeswidenwhenheseeswhathe'supagainst.
"Oh,babygirl.Thisisgoingtohurt."
"AfterthemorningI'vehad,thisshouldbeacakewalk."Hestartstopickouteachstickeroneby
onejustasIseethefiretrucksroundthecorner.
"ThisisnothowIpicturedthisdaygoing."I'mnotsurehowIhaditpictured,butthisisthefarthest
scenefromit.IwatchasthefiremenrushtotheJeepandputitoutinnotime.EverythingIworkedsohard
for,upinsmoke.MyJeepwasthefirstthingIactuallyhadfullypaidoffonmyown.Iprobablyshould've
keptthatfullcoverageinsurance.
Levi
Shehasstickerseverywhere.Ihaven'teventouchedthemessinherhairyet.
"Damnit.MyJeep!"
"I'msorrythishappenedKali,butatleastyou'renotseriouslyhurtfromwhatIcantell.Thatfuckin'
Jeepcanbereplaced."
"Yeah,Iknow.Canyoustaywithmeuntilthepolicegethere?"
"I'mnotleavingyou.Infact,I'llbetakingyoutothehospitaltohaveyoucheckedout."
"Ok,justletmetalktotheofficer."
"Tellmewhoyouwererunningfromfirst."
"IpromiseIwillassoonasthisisallover.YoucantakemetomyhouseafterthehospitalandI'll
tellyoueverything.Justletmegetthissettled."Iwatchherlimpherwayovertothepolicecarwhenit
arrives.Ifiguredshe'dleavemyhousewalkingfunnytoday,butthisdefinitelywasn'tinmygameplan.
Ihearmyphonestarttoringinthegrassaboutfivefeetfromwherewejustlanded.Hell,Ihadn't
evennoticeditwasn'tinmyhandyet.Kalidoesthattome.Shealwayshas.Ifitweren'tforNoah,Ithink
KaliandIwould'vetriedtomakesomethinghappenyearsago.He'ssuchanasswhenitcomestoher,
though.She's'offlimits',yethedoesn'tdoanythingabouther.Well,I'mtiredoffuckingwaitingonNoahto
givemepermissiontodowhatI'vewantedtoforyears.
Theconstantringinginterruptsmythoughtsaboutthepast.It'smysister.
"What'sup?"
"Tellmeyou'relookingforaplacerightnowaswespeak."
"Notexactly."
"Levi!Noahispissedoff.Youhavetostartpullingyourshittogether."
"Igotthis.Youdon'thavetoworry,Mandy."
"Levi,youknowyoucanmovehere."
"Nah.I'llfigureitallout."
"Allright.Pleaseworkonthatpartyingproblemyouhave.It'snotgoodforyoutostillbewhoring
around."
"WhosaysI'msleepingaround?"
"Please,I'myourtwin.Iknowyoubetterthanyouknowyourself."
"WhatifItoldyouIfoundsomeonethatmaybeworthtryingtosettledownfor?"
"I'dcallbullshit."
"Yeah,Iknow.Thatwouldbecrazy."
"DoIknowher?"
"Nah.Iwasjustjoking."OramI?I'mseriouslythinkingaboutmentioningKali,butMandywould
havemyass.SheandIbothknowhowNoahfeelsabouther.I'vedefinitelydoneabetterjobofkeeping
myfeelingshiddenthanhehas.
"Ok.Pleasetrytofindaplace."
"IwillwhenIfinishwhatI'mworkingon."
"Allright.Iloveyou,Levi.WhenwillIgettoseeyou?"
"MaybeI'lltakearoadtripsoon,youneverknow."
"Ican'twait!"IseetheofficerquestioningKali,soIrushoffthephone.
"Talktoyalater,Mansy."Iknowshehatesthatnickname,butitwouldn'tbeaconversationwithher
brotherwithoutit.
"Bye,Levi."
"Bye."IstartwalkingtowardsKali.She'slookingatherJeepastheofficertalkstoher.
"I'mgoingtodosomepaperworkandI'llbebackinafewminutes."HestepsawayfromherasI
walkup.
"Whatdidhesay?"
"Nothing,justaskedmeafewquestions."
"Didyoutellhimaboutwhoeverwaschasingyou?"
"No,itwouldn'tdoanygood."
"Whyisthat?"
"Levi,ItoldyouI'lltellyoulater.Pleasejustleaveitalone."Issheinsane?
"Kali.Fuckthis.DoyouseeyourJeepgoingupinsmoke?Youneedtogetthisguyonrecord."
"Yeah,wellthatdidn'tworksowellformelasttime,soI'lltakemychances."Iputmyhandonher
armtryingtocomfortherbeforeIstartinonmyreasoning,butshepullsawayharshly.
"I'mserious.Not.Now."Ican’timaginewhathasheractinglikethis.IcanonlyimaginethatI’m
goingtofuckinghatewhatshetellsmeandI’mgoingtowanttohurtsomeoneiftheyfuckedwithher.The
desperationinhervoicewhenshecalledmehasmesoworried.
“Ok.I’llleaveitfornow,butlikeIsaidearlier,wewillhavethisconversationtoday.”
“Fine.”Shestopstalkingjustasafewfiremenwalkover.Thefirehasbeenoutforawhile,butthe
smokeisstillrollingfromherJeep.
“Ma’am,wehaveanambulanceheadedthiswaytotakealookatyou,butI’dliketolookatyou
myselfbeforetheygethere.”
“I’mfine.”
“ItappearsthatyourolledyourJeep.Weneedtomakesureyouweren’thitanywherethatmay
havecausedinternalissues.”
“Ok.”Shelookslikeabsoluteshit,butthisdayhastakenabigdumponher.I’mjustnotusedto
seeinghersorough.
Iwatchthemlookintohereyesandquestionherfurther.Theambulancefinallygetshere,butshe
turnsitaway.She’sstillstubbornashell,justlikeIremember.
“EverythingappearsnormalfromwhatIcantell,butyoushouldgotothehospitaltobethoroughly
examined.”Shegetstherecommendationfromthemedic,butisshakingherheadnobeforehefinisheshis
sentence.
“I’mfine.Thankyouforcheckingmeover.”Shestartstowalktowardmeassoonastheyhandher
backherjacket.
“Pleasetakemehome.Ineedoutofhere.”Shetalkstomeasshewalkspast,headedstraightfor
mytruck.HerhairisafuckingnestofshitandstickersandonanynormaldayI’dgiveherhellaboutit,
butnottoday.Shelookslikeshe’sabouttobreakandI’dhatetobethelaststrawthatdoesit.
“I’lltakeyouhome,butI’mnotleavinguntilyoutalk.”IstarttheengineasIwatchherresther
foreheadonherhandassheleansagainstthepassengerdoor.Whathappenedtothatconfidentwomanthat
Ifuckedlastnight?Theonesoboldsherippedmyclothesfrommybodythesecondwemadeittomy
room.
Thedriveisquietandshedoesn’tevenlookoveratmeuntilIkillthetruckinfrontofherhouse.
“Helivesnextdoor.Imadethemistakeofgoingonadatewithhimonetimeandthenendedit.Hedidn’t
takewelltomyrejectionandeventuallyIcaughthimwatchingmethroughmywindowsonenight.Hehas
threatenedtomakemefuckhimagain,butsofarhehasn’tdoneanythingextremelyaggressive.”
“Whatthefuck,Kali?Tellmeyouhaveasecuritysysteminyourhouse.”Ihavetointerrupther
becausemyinsidesareabouttoexplodewithanger.
“YesIdo,butyouandIbothknowhecangettomewhenI’mnotinthehouse.Plus,thosethings
willonlyletauthoritiesknowhe’salreadyinmyhouse.”
“I’mgivingyouafuckinggun.”
“Ialreadyhaveone.Icarryitonmeatalltimes.”Isitbackagainstmyseat,notfeelinganybetter
aboutallofthis.ThisguysoundslikealunaticandIdon’tlikethethoughtofherhavingtodealwithhim
onadailybasis.
“Youneedtomove.”
“Iplantowhenmyleaseisup.Thelandlordwon’tletmeoutofmyleaseuntilitendsinthree
months.Untilthen,IhavetostaybecauseIcan’taffordanythingelse.”Mymindbeginstothinkcrazy
thoughts,soIchangethesubject.NoahwouldkillmeifImovedinwithher,especiallyafterlastnight.
“Whathappenedtodaythatcausedyourwreck?”Itwassomethingthatoccurredquicklyaftershe
leftmyplace,soI’mworriedhewasstalkingher.
“HestartedharassingmeatalightandIturnedsoI’dlosehim.”Sheslumpsinherseatwhenshe
startstalkingaboutitall.Mymindstartsthinkingaboutallthepossibilitiesofthingshe’seitherdoneto
herorplanstodo.
“Whatdidhesaytoyou,Kali?”
“HejustthreatenedmeandIshouldn’thavelethimgettomebecauseIfuckedupmyJeepandnow
Idon’tevenhaveawaytowork.”
“I’llgetyoutowork.ButfirstI’mgoingtomakesurethisfuckerneverbothersyouagain.Which
housedoeshelivein?”Ilookaroundforanyclue.Noneofthehouseslooklikeobviouspsycho
residences,notthatIexpectedittobespelledoutacrossthefuckingrooftop.
“Don’tdoanythingtomakethisworse.I’llbefine,Levi.Thanksforyourhelptoday.”Sheopens
thetruckdoorandslidesdowntoherfeet.Iracetomeetheratthefrontofmytruckandwithouthesitation
Iputherovermyshoulder.
“There’snofuckingwayI’mleavingyouherewhensomegoddamnsickoistryingtogettoyou.Get
yourfuckingassbackinmytruck.I’mtakingyoutomyplace.”
“Levi.Putmedown!”She’sscreamingatmebeforeIfinishandusingherfisttodriveherpoint
homeasshepunchesmeintheass.“I’mfuckingsore,youassanddon’tyoueverthinkyoucantellme
whattodo.”IsetherdownandwaitforhertostoptalkingbeforeIstart.
“You’renotstayinghereunderanycircumstances.Andifyoutryto,I’llbemovinginwithyourass.
Endofdiscussion.”
ChapterFive
Levi
It’stakingeverythingIhaveinmenottogoovertothatmotherfucker’shouseandbeathisassasI
witnesshowthisisalltormentingher.ShelooksdefeatedandnotatalltheKaliIusedtoknow.I’mstill
processingallofitasacarpullsintothedrivewayoftheneighbor’shouse.
Adarkhaired,averagelookingguygetsoutofthecarandIwatchhiseverymove.Hiseyes
instantlyscanheryardandhestrainstoseeinsidemytruck,nodoubtbeinganosyasshole.Ihearher
lowerintheseatandknowwithoutaskingthathe’stheonethat’sbeenfuckingwithher.
“Sohejustneedsareminderofhowtotreatpeople.Icanhandlethis.”Iopenmytruckdoorand
walkwithapurposetomeethiminhisyard.HetakesafewstepsbackbeforeIfullyapproachhim.My
guessishesawthekillerrageinmyfacethattoldhimhewasabouttogetfuckedup.
Withoutsayingaword,Ipunchhiminhisface,takinghimtothegroundasIsqueezehisneck,
holdinghiminplace.Iconnecteverytimemyarmcomesforwardanditisn’tuntilIhearKaliscreaming
atmethatIstop.I’mbreathingheavilyandIdon’treleasemygripbecauseIhaven’tsaidtheonethingI
needtosay.
“SomuchaslookatherandI’llfuckingkillyou.”HegaspsforairundermyholdandIfinally
releasemygraspandallowhimtobreathe.“You’reonlybreathingbecauseI’mgivingyoupermission
to.Rememberthat.”Andwithashove,IstandtofaceKali,frustrationstillflowingthroughmybody.
Hebeginstohuffoutandspitbloodwhilehecrawlsbackwardtryingtogetawayfromme,but
whathedoesn’tunderstandisthatcrawlingawayfrommewon’tsavehim.I’llruinhimfortouchingher
andIwon’tthinktwiceaboutit.
“Whydidyoudothat?”She’slookingaroundmetowatchhispatheticattempttostandwhileshe
questionsme.
“BecauseIwanthimtoknowwhohe’sfuckingwith.”LookingdownatmybloodyfistsbeforeI
starttowalktowardherhousemakesmehatehimevenmore.ShefollowsmetoherfrontdoorandIdon’t
evenhavetoasktocomeinbeforeshe’sguidingmeinsideandrunningthewaterovermyhandsinher
kitchensink.
Myeyesbrushoverherfacejustasshelooksupatme.Hersofthandsslideovermineafewmore
timeswhilewe’relockedintoeachother’sstarebeforeIpurposelylookaway.“Welookliketwothugs
who’vehadshittyfuckindays.”It’seasiertochangethesubjectandworkwithherlaughterthanitisto
dealwiththewayshewasjustlookingatme.It’sthewayI’vewantedhertolookatmeforyears,yet
she’sneverhadeyesforanyonewhenNoahwasaround.
Sheturnsoffthewaterandbeginsinspectingmyhands.“Lookslikemostofthebloodwashis.
Youhavethisoneknucklethat’sbustedopen.Letmewrapitforyou.”Sheleavestheroomandcomes
backwithsometapeandbeforeIhavetimetothinkaboutanythingelse,she’swrappedmyhandtostop
thebleeding.
ShelooksupatmewhenIusemyotherhandtobrushthehairoffmyface.Oureyeslockagainand
thistimeIdon’tlookaway.Ismirkjustslightlyandwaitforhertoreact.It’stimeIstopdenyingwhat
I’vealwaysfeltforherandletthishappenifshe’sreadytotestthewatertowhatwepotentiallyhaveif
wejustgiveusachance.
“Yeah,IthinkI’mgoingtojumpintheshowerandgetsomeofthisgrassoutofmyhair.”Shetakes
astepback,neverlettinghereyesfallfrommine.Itakeasinglestepforwardandreplywiththeonly
responseI’veeverknownwhengiventhiskindofbait.
“MaybeIshouldhelpyou.”Shepausesandwithoutanyotherresponse,sheturnsandleadsthe
way.
Kali
TheheavinesshemakesmefeelwhenhelooksatmelikehedoesissomethingI’mnotusedto.
I’venevernoticedhowpiercinghisblueeyescanbe,butmaybethat’sbecauseI’veneverreallytakenthe
timetonotice.Leviis…well,he’sLevi.He’samessandhasneverbeensomeonethatI’deverconsider
foolingaroundwith.IguessIalwayshopedNoahandIwouldeventuallystopresistingwhatfatehasin
mindforus,butit’sobviousafterlastnightandthismorningthathe’snotinterestedinanythingthathasto
dowithme.
IloveNoah.ButlovingNoahmeansI’vealwayshadarespectandatoleranceforLevi.Theway
hehastreatedmesincelastnightismorethanIcould’veeverimagined.Sexwithhimisphenomenaland
I’mhonestlynotgoingtokeepitfromhappeningagainifhewantstotakeitthere.I’mavailableinthat
department,it’sjustthatI’memotionallyattachedtotheideaofwhatIthoughtNoahandIcouldhave.No
matterhowhardItrytoshakeNoahoutofmymind,he’stherelingeringandhauntingme.
“Fuck,Kali.Whydidwewaitsolongtodothis?”Leviwhispersagainstmyearashepullsme
againsthimfrombehind.Icanfeelhiserectionbulgingagainstmyassandhedoesn’thesitatetoslidemy
shirtovermyheadandslidebothhandsovermybody.“Letmeseeyouinthelight.Jesus,yourskinis
soft.”Histouchsendsachillovermethatfeelsverynice.OnethatIhaven’tfeltinatleasttwoyears.I
swallowhardwhilehestripsmenakedandbeginstokissandtoucheveryinchhecanreach.
I’dnevertellhimthatlastnightwasmyfirstnighttogotobedwithsomeoneinthatlongbecause
he’dthinksomethingwaswrongwithme.Ican’thelpthatIchosetofocusonmyeducationinhopesthat
onedayI’dmeetNoahagainandbeabletoshowhimthatIamsomeoneworthyofhislove.Ishakemy
headatmyridiculouswayofthinkingandtrytogetbackinthemomentwithLevi.Thelastpersonthat
shouldbeonmymindwhileI’minLevi’sarmsisNoah.
Ilaymyheadbackonhisshoulderwhenheslideshishandsdownthefrontofmyshorts.Ittakes
notimeforhimtosendmeintoafuryofsensationthatmakesmelookdesperateandsexcrazed.He’s
drawnmetomytip-toesasIworkthrougheverycircleofhisfingersonmyclit.Itrytoopenmylegs
evenwidertogivehimbetteraccess,buthepullshisfingeroutandIwatchhiminthemirrorasheslipsit
betweenhislips.Thesteamfromtheshowerleavesaslighthaze,butIcanstillseeeverythinghedoes.
He’sstaringatmewithacarnallookinhiseyesasifhe’sabouttoconsumemeandmakemeforget
abouteverythingalloveragain.Slippingmyhandbehindmeandintohishairseemstomakehimmove
evenfastertogetmypantsoffofme.BeforeIhavetimetocomprehendwhat’shappening,he’sliftedme
ontothebathroomcounterandhe’sstandingcompletelynakedbetweenmylegs.Ilookdownathiscock
andlistentohismoanjustasIslidemyfingersoverit.HestandsproudwhileIslidemyhandoverhima
fewtimes,takingthemoisturealreadyseepingfromthetipdownhislength.
Apieceofgrassfallsonmychestanditcatcheshisattentionforaslightsecondbeforeheleans
overtopullacondomoutofhispantspocket.“I’mgoingtoneedtobuyacaseofthesefuckerswithyou
around.”Mearound?
Ipushhisstatementfrommymindwhenhethrustsforward,fillingmequickly.“Oh,fuck.This
positionisgoingtokillmylegs.”Heslamsforwardagainintothecabinetbeforeheliftsmeintohisarms
andbeginstofuckmeevenharderthanhedidlastnight.I’velostallthoughtandcomprehensionbythe
timehestepsintotheshower,takingmetothewallbeforehebeginstomoveinsidemeagain.
Thehotwatersendsapathdownmychestandovermostofhisbody.Heleansforwardandthe
shiftinpositionsendsmeintoaninstantorgasmthatIdon’teventrytoholdback.I’veneverbeennoisy
duringsex,butLevibringsitoutinme.
HefucksmecontinuouslyintoanotherfitofspasmsandIcatchhimwatchingmeasIcomedown
fromthelasthigh.He’snotlookingatmelikehe’senjoyingacasualfuck,he’swatchingmewith
somethinginhiseyethatfeelslikethisismorethanthattohim.Ishutmyeyesandcloseoffallowinghim
toseeinsidemelikehewastryingtoandjustletmyselffeelwhathe’sdoingtome.
“Let’swashthishairofyoursbeforeItakeyoutobed.”Hebrushesthehairfrommycheekbefore
hesetsmedownonmyowntwofeetandforthefirsttimeinmylife,amanwashesmyhair.He’scareful
withhisfingersinmytangledmessandwhenhe’sdonemakingmefeellikeI’mcompletelycherished,he
grabsmybodysoapandsqueezesitovermychest.
HistouchmakesmybodycomealivewithsensationsthatI’mnotreadytofeelwithhim,soItake
overandrushthroughtherestoftheshower.Hemustsensemyshiftbecausehesnapsoutofwhatever
softcraphewastryingtodoandgripsmyhairinhishandandpullsmetofacehimchesttochest.
“IfIwanttowashyoursexybody,youfuckingletme.”Hisbiteonmybottomlipremindsmehow
hewaslastnight.ThisismorelikewhatIimaginedLevitobelikeinbed.
ThisIcanhandle.Noemotions.Nofeelings.Justfucking.
Heliftsmetostraddlehiswaistagainandwalksusbothoutoftheshower.“I’mabouttofuckyou
senseless.”Inafewshortsteps,he’stossingmeontomybackonthebedandclimbingoverme.The
condomislonggoneandhestartstocussaboutnothavinganotheronenearbywhenheclimbsbackoutof
bedandgetsoneoutofhispants.
He’sbackinpositionquicklyandI’mthrowingmyheadbackasheentersmehardandfastonce
again.“Fuck,youfeelgreatonmycock.”Heslowsonlylongenoughtorolloverandpullmeontopof
him.HepullsmeforwardasIstraddlehimandhefucksmefastwhileheholdsmeinhisarms.It’sall
happeningsofast,I’mmoaningagainbeforehehasachancetofinallygethisownrelease.
Justashisbodybeginstotwitchandourbreathingiscompletelychaotic,there’ssomeonebeating
onthefrontdoor.“Openup,it’sthepolice.”
Webothfreezeinplace,lookingateachotherinshockeventhoughIshouldn’tbesurprised.That
assholeneighborofminemust’vegonetothepolice.
“Shit,Levi.Whatarewegoingtodo?”Heguidesmeoffofhimandrushesforhispants.
“We’regoingtotellthemthetruth.”Iwatchhimslidehispantsoverhisassandtakeadeep
breath,dreadingwhat’sabouttohappen.
Heseesmestrugglingandleansoverthebeduntilhe’sfacetofacewithmeagain.“Ifsomething
happensandtheytakeme,Iwantyoutopromisethatyou’llgotoNoah.Tellhimeverythingandhe’ll
makesureyou’resafe.”
“Ican’tdothat.I’llbefine.”Thebanginggetslouderandthey’regettingmoreimpatientthelonger
we’retaking.
“Fuckno.IneedyoutodoagreetowhatI’msayingbeforeIopenthatfuckingdoor.”Hepullsmy
chinuntilIcan’thidefromtheglareinhiseyes.
Ihavenochoicebuttoagreewhentheybegintobeatdownthedoor.Hemovesquicklythroughthe
houseandopensthefrontdoorwhileIrusharoundtogetmyclotheson.BeforeIcangetoutofmyroom,
theyhavehiminhandcuffsonhiskneeswhilethey’rebeingroughwithhim.He’stryingtoanswertheir
questions,buttheyaren’tgivinghimthechance.
“ItoldyouifyougavemeanotherreasontobringyouinthatI’dmakesureyougetwhatyou’vehad
coming.”Thebaldofficerspewshiswordswithhatredinhisvoice.BeforeIcangettohim,another
officerholdsmeback.
“Youdon’twanttointerferewithus,younglady.Haveaseathereandwe’lltalktoyouinafew
minutes.”HeguidesmetowardthecouchandpushesmedownuntilI’msitting.Leviwatchesandcomes
evenmoreunglued.
Howdidthisdayturnintosuchadisaster?
ChapterSix
Noah
NomatterhowhardItry,Ican’tgetherscreamsoutofmyhead.Ican’thelpbutwishitcould’ve
beenmydickthatwasmakinghercomeundoneallnightlong.Shelookedsoperfectlyfuckedthis
morningandeventhoughIshouldn’tcareifshe’swithLevi,Ifuckingdo.
Idon’twanttoseeanyonetouchingherandIsureashelldon’twanttohearit.I’mstillcleaning
myhouse,withnosignofLevifortheentireday.I’mgoingtobeathisasswhenhefinallyshowshisface
aroundhere.ItwashispartyandsomehowIendupdoingalltheclean-up.
MyphoneringsandIdon’trecognizethenumber,butIansweritanyway.“Noah.I’minjail.
Listentome.IneedyoutofindKaliandtakehertothehouseuntilIgetout.She’sintrouble.”Beforehe
hasachancetosayanotherword,I’malreadyoutthedoor.I’msittinginmytruckbeforeIrealizethatI
havenoideawhereshelives.
“Whereisshe?”
“CornerofOakandChestnut.Herneighborisafuckin’assandyouhavetogetheroutofthere.”
Thecallisdisconnectedwithoutanyfurtherinformation.Irushlikeaninsaneidiottogettoherhouse,
onlytogetnoanswerwhenIknockonthedoor.
Whatinthefuck?“Kali,whereinthefuckareyou?”
Iglancearoundtryingtoguesswhichhousetheassholeneighborlivesin,buttherearehonestly
twooptionsasIscanthearea.Thisisn’tthebestneighborhoodandIfindmyselffrustratedthatshe’dlive
somewhereasunsafeasthis.
Bangingonthedooronelasttime,Istandandwaitforhertoanswer.Shefinallypullsthewooden
dooropenandIdon’tsayawordwhenshelooksatmelikeshe’shadtheworstdayinherlife.Iopenthe
screendoorandstepinsidewithoutwaitingonhertoinvitemein.HerfaceiscoveredintearsandItry
nottonoticethatshe’sonlydressedinat-shirtandtinyshorts.
“Whyareyouhere,Noah?”Herwordsarebarelyawhisper,yetfullofsadnessandexhaustion.
“Levicalledme.Hesaysyou’renotsafehere…”
“I’llbefine.I’mnotyourconcern.”SheinterruptsmebeforeIevenhavethechancetoinviteher
tostayatmyhouseuntilwegettothebottomofwhat’sgoingon.
“I’llfuckingdecidewhenyou’remyconcern.”Sheslamsthewoodendoorclosedbeforeshelocks
thedeadboltsandwalksoutoftheroom.IdowhatI’vealwaysdonewhenshe’sbeenthiswayinthe
past.Ifollowher.Pushingthedooropen,Icatchherliftinghershirtoverherhead.Hertitsarelooking
evenbetterthanIimaginedandnomatterhowmuchIwanttoturnaround,Ican’t.Shehasmelockedand
frozeninplacejustwatchingher,eventhoughshehasnoideaI’minhere.
“Damnit,Noah.Youcan’tjustwalkinherelikethat.”
“Right.Wealwayslettheotheroneknowwhenwe’veenteredabedroom.ShouldIremindyou
aboutlastnight?”Iwalkclosertoher,knowingI’llneverbeabletotouchher,butwantingtosofucking
badthatIcanalmosttasteher.
Shepullsatanktopoverhertits,withoutputtingonabraandthatbeginstofuckwithmymindeven
morethanseeinghernakeddid.Hernipplesarehard,pokingthroughthepinkmaterialandteasingme
beyondbelief.“WehavetogogetLevi.”
“Whatisheinjailfor?Maybeheneedsanightintheslammerjusttolearnalesson.”
“Hewasprotectingme.Ihavetogethimout.”Sheslidesherarmsthroughajacketandpullsa
pairofjeansoverhershorts,nodoubtoptingtospareherselffrommewatchinghernakedasswhileshe
movesaroundtheroom.Apartofmeisrelievedaboutthat,andtheotherpartwantstograbherbythe
hairandtellherexactlywhatsheshouldbedoingwithmeinherbedroom.
She’sofflimits.Rememberthat,youasshole.
“I’llgethimout.Youdon’tneedtobeatthepolicestation.Shelooksoveratme,almostfrantic
whileIwaitforhertofightmeonthis.
“Ishouldgowithyou.”Shebeginstorusharoundtheroomgatheringabagandbrushingherlong,
damphair.
“Sureasfuckdidn’tseethetwoofyouhittingitoffquiteashardasyouhave.Sincewhendidyou
startlikingLevi?”Shestopsmidstrokethroughherhairbeforeshepointsitatmewithaglareinhereye.
“Youdonotgettodothis.Icametothatpartylookingforyou.You.Pushedmeaway.”There’sa
quiverinhervoicebeforesheturnsawaytobusyherselfagain.
“IknowwhatIsaid.IstillfeelthesamewayasIdidlastnight.”Shedoesn’tgettoknowwhat
thattrulymeans.I’llletherbelievewhatIworkedhardtomakeherseelastnight.Nomatterhow
temptedIamtowalkovertoherrightnowandpullhercurvybodyagainstme,Ihavetokeepadistance.
“Let’sgethimoutandthenI’llleaveyoualoneandneverbotheryouagain.Ijustdon’thaveacar
rightnow.”SherefusestolookatmeandIdon’tforceherto.
“WhathappenedtoyourJeep?”
“Itbrokedown.Let’sgo.Idon’twanthimthereanylongerthanhehastobe.”Shewalksoutof
theroomandopensthefrontdoor.Iwatchherlockthreedifferentdeadboltsandthatonlyaddstomylist
ofquestionsthatI’llhavetoaskbeforethenightisover.“Iseeyoustillloveyoursportscars.”She
makesaquickcommentbeforesheopensthepassengerdoorandslidesin.Idon’trespondbecauseshe’s
right.It’smyoneviceinlife.Shedoesn’tneedtoknowjusthowmanyIhavestashedinmystorage
garagedowntown.
Therevoftheenginebreakstheawkwardsilenceinthecaranditisn’tuntilIlookoveratherthatI
seeherattentionfocusedonthehousenextdoor.Ittakesmeasecondtoseetheweaselsittingonhis
porchjustwatchingus.“IsthatthefuckerthatLeviwastalkingabout?”
“Pleasedon’tdoanything.Let’sjustgogethimoutandtrytoforgetthisdayeverhappened.”I
choosetolistentoheronlybecauseIdon’twanttoeventhinkaboutgoingtojailatthesametimeasLevi
andherbeingleftoutherewithsomefucker,especiallywhenIdon’tevenknowthefullextentofwhathas
happened.
IdoassherequestsandIdriveusbothtothepolicestation.Whenwearrive,sheseemsnervous
andnomatterhowstrongmyinstinctsaretoprotecther,Isimplyopenhercardoorandwaitforherto
standnexttome.
I’veaskedabailbondsmantomeetmehereandit’sreassuringtoseehimalreadyworkingwiththe
officerswhenwewalkin.“He’llneedtobepresentforhiscourtdateintwoweeks.”It’squicklyobvious
thatLeviwon’tsimplybegettingaslaponthehandoverwhathashappenedandI’llhavetofindoutwhat
inthehellwentontonight.OnelookatKaliandIcanseeregretwrittenalloverherfaceasshetakesin
what’sbeingsaid.
ShestopsatearfromfallingdownhercheekandIfeelatwingeinsidemychestthatremindsmeof
thewayIfeltwhenItriedtoprotectherallthoseyearsago.IknowIshouldn’twanttokillsomeonefor
herhurtinglikesheseemstobe,butapparently,it’sinmynatureandsomethingI’mnevergoingto
stopdoing.
Kali
Thisdayisnevergoingtoend.Beinginsidethisplaceagainjustremindsmeofthehellthat
assholehasgottenawaywithallthesetimes.Itmakesmecrazytothinkhe’sturningthisallaroundnow
andplayingthevictimwhenI’vetriedtogethimtakeninforbeingthecreepheisandhealwaysseemsto
slipthroughthesystem,nomatterhowmanytimesIturnhimin.
I’mtothepointnowthatIhavenofaiththatjusticewilleverbeservedunlesssomething
accidentallyhappenstohimwhenhetriestocomeintomyhouseagain.Ifthat’swhatittakestomakethis
end,thenthat’swhatI’lldo.
IhatethatLeviandNoaharenowinvolved.ThelastthingIwantedwasforNoahtofindoutand
starttryingtohelpwhenhe’smadeitveryclearhowhefeelsaboutme.Ican’thandlehimdippinginand
outofmylifeandifhethinksI’mindanger,that’sexactlywhathe’lltrytodo.
“Pleasewaitinthelobbyandwe’llprocesshisrelease.”Theyoungofficerseemshelpfulnowthat
therearetwomenherewithme.It’samazinghowdifferentthingsarewhenyoucomewithfriends.
NoahpullsthebondsmantothesideandtheybothtalkquietlysoIcan’thear.Isitandtakein
everythingthat’shappenedtodayandwishlikehellIcouldgobacktoyesterdayandnevergotothat
party.Itappearstobetheturningpointthatmadeeverythinginmylifecompletechaos.
“Allright,getmethefuckoutofhere.”IstandthesecondIhearLevi’svoice.Helooksatme
instantlyandthegrinonhisfacemaybemisplacedinthissituation,butholyshitIneededit.Hewalks
overandwrapsmeupinhisarms.HiswarmthisexactlywhatIneededandIdon’tevenlooktoseeif
thisispissingoffNoah.Hecangetoverhimself.Thisisn’tabouthim.
“Hey,babygirl.Ifuckinmissedyou.”Levi’svoicerumblesnexttomyearandIcanfinally
breatheknowinghe’sout.
“Thisisallmyfault.Ishouldn’thavecalledyou.”
“Stopthatshitrightnow.I’ddoitalloveragainthisverysecondifthatfuckerwasinthislobby.”
“Pleasejusttakemehome.”Iknowhewould,that’stheproblem.Idon’twanthimtohavetofight
mybattles.
“Notonyourfuckinglife.You’restayingwithmetonight.”Hetakesmebythehandandguidesme
outthedoor.“Here,let’stalkouthere.Thatplacemakesmefuckin’claustrophobic.”
“Ican’tstaywithyou.Noahwouldkillus.”
“He’llhavetogetthefuckoverit,becauseyou’renotstayinginthatdamnhousesothatassholecan
justwalkrightoverandgetyouanytimehewants.You’llneverstaytherealoneagainandI’llmake
fuckin’sureofitifit’sthelastthingIdo.”Hestartspacinginfrontofme,runninghishandsthroughhis
messyhairwhileIlistentoeverythinghesaysknowinghehasapoint,butthethoughtofdealingwith
Noahconstantlymakesmyinsidestwistintoaknot.
“MaybeIshouldjustgetahotelroom…”HeinterruptsmebeforeIhaveachancetocontinue.
“No.It’llbefine.Justletmehandleit.”Withoutgivingmeachancetoargue,hewalkstoward
Noahasheexitsthroughtheglassdoors.Idon’thavethehearttogonearthem;Ican’tstandthethought
oflisteningtoNoahdenyhimwhenheaskstoletmestayathishouse.Hemadeitveryclearlastnight
andthismorningthathedidnotwantmethere.Idon’texpecthimtochangehismindnow.
Ilookaroundandit’salreadygettingdark,buttheurgeformetofleeisoverwhelming.Ihate
waitingonyetanotherdisappointingdenialfromNoahandinsteadofdoingjustthat,Istartwalkingwhile
thetwoofthemtalk.Icantellit’snotgoingwellbythewaythey’rebothanimatedintheirresponses.
FuckNoah.
Idon’twanthishelp.Idon’tneedhishelp.AndthelastthingI’lleverdoislethimthinkI’ma
helplesscharitycasethatheneedstosave.
I’malmosttwoblocksawaybeforeIheartheroarofhiscarengine.JustlikeIexpected,they
drivebyslowly,lookingforme.Hidinginadoorwaywastheonlywayformetostayoutoftheirsight.I
canstillseethebackendofNoah’scarwhenmyphonerings.
“Wherethefuckareyou?”Levisoundsangry.
“I’llbefine.”
“That’snotwhatIaskedyou.Whereareyou?”Thecarcontinuesdowntheroad,soIstepoutof
thedoorwayonlytocomefacetofacewithNoah.
“Nicetry,Kali.Levi,backtrackaboutablock.We’llbewaiting.”Ihangupandwalkwitha
heavystepawayfromhim.Hedoesn’tgettohatemeandwanttosavemeatthesametime.
“Sincewhendoyoutrackpeopleonfoot?”
“SinceLevistolemycarandtoldmetofindyourass.”It’sobvioushe’sfrustratedbyhisrude
tone.
“Look.Idon’twanttoinconvenienceyouanyfurther.Justtakemehomeandyou’llneverseeme
again.”
“Soundslikeaperfectplan,butLevitellsmeIneedtohearsomeshitthatwillchangemymind.
So,I’mgivinghimthebenefitofthedoubtandtoldhimwecantakethisconversationtothehouse.You
canstaytonight.That’llgiveyouachancetofigureyourshitout.”HewalkspastmeandIcan’ttellifhe
wantstodismissmeorscreamatme.
WhenLevipullsup,Noahwalkswithadeterminedstridestraighttothedriver’sdoor.“Getthe
fuckoutofmycarandifyoudothatshitagain,I’llkillyourass.”Levistepsoutandgivesmeaglare
that’stellingmehe’snothappywithmylittlestunt.Iignorehimandtakethebackseat,feelingdefeat
fromthisterribledaywashalloverme.
Ijustwanttogotobedandforgeteverythingthat’shappenedtoday.
ChapterSeven
Levi
Damnherandthatcutelittleassofhers.Noahcatchesmewatchingherwalkbywhilewewaitfor
hertopackabagatherhouse.Iswearhepracticallygrowledatme,butIpretendtobeoblivioustohis
behavior.HehaspushedherawayhiswholelifeandIstoodbackbecauseIthoughthe’dcomearound
oneday.He’smadeitveryclearthathewon’t,soI’mnotgoingtodenywhatI’mfeelinganymore.
“Thiswillbeenoughfortonight.I’lljustcomebacktomorrowwhenIfigureoutwhereI’mgoing.”
Ilookather,confused.Whatdoesshemeanwhenshefiguresitout?She’llbestayingwithmeuntilshe
canaffordanotherplace.IfIhavetomoveinwithhertohelpher,thenIwill.I’mstillnotsurewhat
Noahwilldooncehehearseverything.Hecouldbeadickandthrowusouttonight,orhell,hemay
surprisemeandsayshecanstayifsheneedsto.
Somethingtellsmehe’lldecidesheneedstostayoncehehearseverything,though.
ThedrivetoourhouseisquietuntilNoahstartsaskingquestions.Itellhimallabouttheeventsof
thedayanditseemstoshockhimintosilence,whichissomethingunusualforhim.
“Youcan’tgobacktothathousealone.”ThisisthefirstandonlysentencehesaysinthecarafterI
startexplainingeverything.
Whenwepullintothedriveway,Kalidoesn’topenherdoorrightaway.Icanseehowstressed
sheisaboutthisdayanditseemsonlyrightthatIbreaktheiceinawaythatonlyIcan.
“Let’sgoforaswim.Lastoneinhastocleanthebathrooms.”Istripoffmyshirtanddropmy
pantsonthefrontlawn.IturnbacktolookatthembothandcatchNoahnoddingandlookingdownwhile
Kaliwatcheswithhermouthwideopen.
“Areyououtofyourmind?”shefinallylaughsaroundherwords.
“I’mafuckin’freeman…andIwanttoswim.Comeon.”Itakeherbythehandandleadhertothe
poolinthebackyard.Noahdoesn’tfollow,butIdidn’tthinkhewould.
“Levi,areyouinsane?Youcan’tjustwalkaroundnakedintheyard.”
“Idoitallthetime.It’llbefine.Justdropthecotton,Kali.Weneedtocutlooseandforgetthis
fuckin’day.”Icanseeherinnerstruggleasshetriestodecidewhethertosayfuckitandskinnydipwith
meorpretendshe’smoreconservativethanthis.
“Youknowyouneedtolaughandjustliveinthemomentafterthisday,sostartpullingthose
clothesoff,beforeIdoitforyou.”Sheshakesherheadindisbeliefandtriestowalktothehouse,butI
stopherbeforeshegetstoofar.Pullingherintomyarmsiseasy.Itfeelsrightandshedoesn’ttrytopull
awayasIholdher.
“Didyoutakeitintheasstoday?”Shestartslaughingbeforeshefinishesherquestion.
“Hellno.IwentintherepretendingIwasaninsaneperson.Theothersleftmethefuckalone.”I
starttolifthershirt,butshestepsawayfrommeanddoesitherself.“Wait,goslow.Givemealittle
striptease.”Sheslowsherpace,butwalkstowardthewaterassheremovesherclothes,onepieceata
time.Hertitsstandperfect,movingslightlyasshestepsintothepool.Iwatchherbodybecomeblurred
asshegetsdeeperintothewater.MydickishardbeforeIevengetwet,butthesecondIdo,I’mona
missiontogettoher.
Sheleansagainstthesideofthepoolandwaitsformetogettoher,hereyesneverleavingmineas
IwatchhershiftfrombeinguncertaintodecidingshewantsthisjustasmuchasIdo.
AssoonasI’mnearher,shewrapsherlegsaroundmywaistandherarmsaroundmyneck.Her
kissisveryaggressiveanditturnsmeonevenmore.Idon’thavetoworryaboutacondomwithher;we
alreadyestablishedthatlastnight.
Slidingintoherisn’teasy,especiallyinthewater.SherotatesherhipsuntilI’minsideherandIlet
hercontinuetoridemewhileIjustholdherinmyarmsandkissthehelloutofher.
Hermoansgetlouder,butneversoloudthatanyoneelsewillhear,eventhoughIwouldn’tcareif
theydid.Islipmyfingerbetweenusandrubherclituntilshe’swrithingthroughanorgasmandbringing
meclosetomyown.Istarttowatchherfaceasshegoesoverthetopandthatsendsmestraightintoa
fuckingfury.Orisitafuryoffucking?Eitherway,Ibeginfuckinghersohardandfastthatthewater
beginstosplasharoundusashertitsfloatbetweenus.Thewaterevenhitsourfacesafewtimes,butit
neverslowsusdown.
Iactuallyhatefuckinginwater,butshit,thistimeitwasperfect.
“Fuck,Kali.We’regoingtohavesomuchfuntogether.Ihaveafeelingyou’realittlefreak.”She
kissesmewhileItrytocatchmybreathandspeaktoheratthesametime.
“Ittakesafreaktorecognizeone.”ItrynottoreacttowhatI’mseeingbehindherassheresponds,
butshecatchesthechangeinmyface.SheturnsherheadquicklyandwebothstareatNoahashesitsina
loungechairdrinkingacocktail.
Whatinthefuck?Isheoutofhisdamnmind?
IlowerusbothintothewatertohideKalifromanyfurtherexposure.She’snothappythathe’s
sittingthere,whichshemakesobviousthesecondsheopenshermouth.“Jesus,Noah.Whatthehelldo
youthinkyou’redoing?”
“Justhavingacocktailandsittingbymypool.WhatelsewouldIbedoing,Kali?”Histoneis
condescendingandeventhoughIprobablyshouldn’thavejusthadsexinhispool,I’mnotgoingtoputup
withhismoodybullshittonight.Ifheblowsthisoutofproportion,we’lljustleaveandgetahotelroom.
“Canyouatleasttossmemyclothes?”Sheleansuponthesideofthepoolinanattempttogethim
tomakethissituationalittlelessawkward.Noaheruptsinlaughter.Notjustasmallchuckle,butfullon
hystericallaughterbeforehejustsuddenlystopsandresponds.
“No.Ifyouwantyourclothes,walkyourassouthereandgetthem.We’venowallseenyour
fuckingtits,sowhynotlettheneighborsgetaglimpseaswell.”
“Noah,you’rebeingadickandIknewIshouldn’thaveagreedtocomehere.”Sheliftsherselfout
ofthewaterfromthesideofthepoolandgracefullywalkstogetatowel.Shewrapsherselfinitbefore
shebendsdownandgathersallofherthingsthatareinatrailfromthepooltowhereNoahissitting.She
sayssomethingtohimjustbeforeshepassesandthenshewalksintothehouse.
Wellifthatisn’tacockblockingmoment,Idon’tknowwhatis.“Whatthefuckisyourdeal?”
“Deal?WhatmakesyouthinkIhaveadeal?”He’sevenmoreintenseandrudenowthatshe’sgone.
“Look,we’lljustgogetahotelroom.Ididn’trealizeyou’dbesuchadickifshestayedherewith
me.”Istepoutofthepoolandwalkthroughthepatioareacompletelynakedandsoakingwet,notgivinga
shitwhoseesmeorifitpissesNoahoffevenmore.“I’llpackmycrapandgetusbothoutofhere.Don’t
worry,youwon’tbebotheredbyusanymore.”
ChapterEight
Noah
Us?NofuckingwayamIlettingthereeverbeawayforhimtosay‘us’anditrefertohimandKali
asifthey’reinsomesortoffuckingrelationshiporsomething.Overmydeadbodywillsheendupwith
him.
“Itoldyouthatyoucouldstayhere.Ididn’tsayyoucouldjustfuckeachotheroutintheopenlike
fuckinganimals.Havesomedamndecency,youasshole.”Hestopsinhistracksatmyresponse.Iwait
andhopeforhimtotakeaswingatme,becauseIwantmorethananythingtobeattheshitoutofhimand
takeoutallofthisbuilt-upaggressiononhisass.He’sthecauseofitall,soitonlyseemsfairhe’sonthe
receivingendofit.
Instead,hedoesn’tsayawordashewalkspastme.FuckerprobablyknowsIwanthimtoinitiatea
fightandchoosestotormentmeevenfurtherbymakingmefesterinmyownagony.
“We’llmoveouttomorrow.”Thedoorslamsjustashestopstalking,causingmetoblinkatthe
sound.IliftmyglassandtakebackthelastofmywhiskeybeforeIfollowhiminside.
Thehouseisquietandtheonlysignofeitherofthemisthewetfootprintstrackedthroughthehouse
thatleadmedirectlytothefrontdoor.Iopenitandlistentothetwoofthemargueandregretmyasshole
behaviorinstantly.Istepontotheporchandstayoutofviewofthemboth.
“I’dratherstayatmyownhouseandwaitonthatfuckingrapistnextdoortotrytocomegetmethan
dealwiththeweightofNoah’sangertowardme.Idon’tgethimandIhonestlycan’tdealwiththistonight.
Levi,pleasejustletmego.I’llbefine.I’vebeengoodmywholelifewithoutyouguys,soI’msureIcan
figuresomethingoutwiththis.”
“You’reoutofyourdamnmindifyouthinkI’mgoingtoletyougobacktoyourhousewiththat
insanepersonlivingnextdoor.He’salreadytriedtogettoyouandwhathedidtonightwasjusthiswayof
gettingtoyouagain.”
“Levi.Hehatesmewithapassion.Ishouldn’tbehereathishouseandwedefinitelyshouldnot
havejustfuckedlikethatinhispool.Youmakemecrazywhenyou’rearoundandit’sjustnotfairforyou
toflauntmearoundlikeyoudo.NoahandIarecomplicatedandeventhoughhewillneverfeelthesame
wayIdo;Ilovethatman.Idon’twanttoseehimhatemelikethis.Ifhehastohateme,it’seasierforme
nottohavetofaceit.Ineedtogo.”Iwatchhertrytowalkawayassheslideshershirtoverherhead,then
shepullshertoweloffandthrowsitatLevi.“Putthisonandquitwalkingaroundwithyourdickhanging
out.”
Hereachesouttostopherfromleavingandtheystarttalkingsoquietly,Ican’thearthem.Iwatch
Levitakeherinhisarmsandpullherclosetohim.Shewrapsherarmsaroundhimandleansintohimas
ifhe’sactuallyconsolingher.Thatshouldbemeholdingherlikethat,butinsteadI’vemadethesefucking
rulesthatI’mbeginningtohatemyselffor.
Whentheybeginkissingagain,Igoinside.Ican’twatchthetwoofthemgoatitagain,becauseI
honestlydon’tthinkIcanhandlewhatitdoestome.IknowdeepdownIwantittobemethat’sfucking
her.Iwanttofeelhertitsagainstmychestandwatchherfaceasshecomesundone,butinstead,I’mthe
creepwhowasjustwatchinginthebackground.Iguessthat’sonethatIowedher.Ihopetonevercashin
ontheothershewascaughteavesdroppingon.
Igotomyroomandfliponthestereo.Floppingdownonthebed,InoticeIhaveafewmissed
calls.OneofthemisfromMandy,soIhitthatnotificationandwaittohearhervoice,knowingnoteven
herswillgetKali’soutofmyhead.
“Pleasetellmeeverythingisbetter.Didhefindaplacetoday?”
“No,hegottiedupwithsomeotherthings,butI’msureheplanstotakecareofitsoon.”Ichoose
nottotellheraboutthearrestorthefactthatKaliisstayinghere.It’salltoocomplicatedandshe’lljust
givemealectureaboutshitIalreadyknow.“Howiseverythingatyourplace?Isthiscalltotellme
you’recomingtoseeme?Icankickabitchoutofmybedifyouwanttokeepmewarm.”IfIteaseher,
shewon’tthinkanythingiswrongwithmebecausethat’showI’vealwaystalkedtoher.
“No,I’mnotgoingtokeepyouwarm.Nicetry,though.Howaboutyouchangethosesheets
betweenyourwhoresonceinawhile.”
“Iwillforyou.”Shehasnoideahowmuchdifferentmylifeisnow.Whenshewasaround,Iwas
goingthroughthepartyseasonofmylife.Iguessthelastfewtimeswe’vetalkeddon’thelpmycasein
that,notthatI’mtryingtomakeone.
“I’llletyouknow.Iwasjustcheckingtomakesureyoudidn’tkillmybrother.Hehasn’tanswered
mycallsortextsallday.”
“He’sbeenrealbusyhelpingafriendout.”MyinsidestwingeasIthinkaboutjusthowmuchhe
hasbeenhelping.
“Allright.TellhimtocallhissistertomorroworIwillmakethetriptokickbothofyourasses.”
ShehangsupbeforeIhavethechancetotakethebaitshejustfedme.SheknowsI’masuckerforthatshit.
Iliebackandforcemyselftodozeoff.Tomorrowcan’tcomesoonenoughasfarasI’mconcerned.
Myphonevibrates,wakingmeup.It’sjustanoldhookupwantingabootiecallandIcouldn’tbe
anymoreuninterested.Iglanceatthetimetofindit’sjustafterthreeo’clockinthemorning.Thestereo
hascoveredanyevidencethatanyoneelsewasinthehouse,soI’mnotsureifthey’rehereorifthey
endedupleaving.IguessI’llhavetobefinewitheitheroption.
ItossandturnafewtimesbeforeIgiveinandslideoffthebed.Openingthedoortomyroom,I
stepoutandlistenforanyproofthateitherofthemarestillhere.Levi’sdoorisclosed,soIcanonly
assumetheystayed.
Workingmywaydownstairstothekitchen,Ihearsomeonemovingaround.Itonlytakesoneglance
overtherailingtoseeKalimoppingthefloorinfrontofthedoor.
“Whyareyoumopping?”ShejumpsasIspeak,butquicklyreturnsherfocustocleaningthefloor.
“BecauseIwalkedthroughthehouseandleftfootprints.IfiguredIshouldgetthemoutbeforeI
leave.”ItakethelastfewstairsslowlyasIwatchherlongbrownhairswayasshemoves.Heryoga
pantsandblacktanktopteasemewhenshetakesthebucketandwalksbacktothekitchen,leavingme
standingwithonlymyfantasyoftouchingher.Ifollowher,intrigueforcingmetodowhatIwouldn’t
normallydo.
“Look,I’msorryifIwokeyou.IjustwantedtocleanupthemessImade.IpromiseI’llleavetoday
soyoucanstopbeingangry.”Sheclosesthepantrydoorandattemptstowalkbyme.Iputmypalmonthe
doorframe,preventingherfromleavingwithouttalkingtomelonger.
“WhatmakesyouthinkI’mangry?”
“Becauseyoufeelheavy.Iknowyou,Noah.Andrightnow,you’renotinagoodplaceandIcan
onlyassumethatit’smethat’smakingyouthisway.”Shetakesastepback,pullingherhairintoamesson
topofherheadwithanelasticbandfromherwrist.Ican’tseemtopullmyeyesawayfromherasshe
movesaroundthekitchen.
“Idon’tlikethewayLeviiswithyou.”Iadmitwhat’sbotheringmeandshestopssuddenly,glaring
atmeasshetakesinwhatIjustsaid.
“Youdon’tlikehimsavingmefromanassholetoday.Himcarryingmefromaburningvehicleand
softeningmyfallwhenitexplodes.Orisitthatyoudon’tlikethathewenttojailfightingformetobesafe
inmyownhouse.Oh,Ibetit’sthatyoudon’tlikethatheofferedtostaywithmetokeepmeprotectedand
eventhoughIdeclined,heinsistedIcomeheretostaysohecanmakesurethatmaniacdoesn’tgetme.
He’sreallyahorribleperson,soIcanseeyourproblemwithhim.”Shegetslouderthelongershetalks
andIonlyhearafewsentencesbeforeItuneheroutandjustwatchherlipsmove.
“Whendidyoubecomethissexy?”ThatshutsherupandIinstantlyregretlettingthatcomeoutof
mymouth.IguessnowthatI’vestartedthis,Imayaswellcontinueandseewhathappens.I’mtiredof
fightingthisattractiontoher.
“Whyareyoudoingthis?”ImovecloseruntilI’vepinnedheragainstthekitchencabinet.Mybody
gravitatestowardhersanditisn’tuntilwe’repressedtogetherthatIrespond.
“BecauseI’vewaitedtoolongtorecognizewhatwehavebetweenus.”Shelowersherhead,
inhalingdeeplyagainstmychest.Icanfeelherheartbeatfasterthelongerwestandtogether.Herinternal
strugglebecomestoomuchforherwhenshepushesmeaway.
“Pleasedon’t.Ican’ttakeyourbipolarreactions.It’snotfairthatyou’redoingthistome.”Iwatch
herwalkupthestairsandintoLevi’sroombeforeIadjustthebulgingdickinmypants.
ChapterNine
Kali
IrushupthestairsandfightbackthetearinmyeyeasItakeinwhatNoahjustsaid.He’sjustas
indecisiveashewasyearsago.Hewantsusandthenhedoesn’t.Well,Ican’ttakehisshitrightnow.My
lifeisamessandthelastthingIneedishimburningwhat’sleftofmyheart.I’mnotsureIcanwalkaway
fromanotherhit.
LeviisstartledwhenIyankthedooropentothebedroomandhe’sinstantlylookingatmewith
hungryeyes.“Comehere,baby.”Hepatsthebedbesidehimandrollstohisside.Ican’tdothis.There’s
nowayIcanhavesexwithLeviafterwhatIjustwentthroughdownstairs.Ineedtothink.
“I’mgoingforarun.I’llbeback.”Levisitsupquickly,throwingthecoversoffhim.
“I’llcomewithyou.”
“No.That’sokay.”Itrytoreasonwithhim,butIknowitisn’tgoingtowork.I’mfeelingsuffocated
andI’mabouttoexplode.
“Kali.Howmanytimesdowehavetogooverthisshit?”
“Fine.I’llcometobedwithyou,butpleasejustgivemesomespace.Ineedtothinkaboutsome
thingsandIcan’tdothatifyou’reconstantlywantingtohavesex.”
Hestands,nakedstillfromourswimlastnight.“Kali.Idon’teverwantyoutofeellikeI’m
pressuringyouintosex.I’llgiveyouspace,justtellmewhatyouneed.Doyouwantmetostayinthe
guestbedroom?”Andittakesthatlongformetofeellikethebiggestbitchintheworld.He’sdonenothing
todeservemyclaustrophobicreactionandIhatethatI’vedonenothingbutunloadonhimsincelastnight.
“I’msorry.It’sjustbeenareallyshittytimelatelyandI’mtryingtodecidewhatmyplanis.You’re
notstayinginaguestbedroom,don’tberidiculous.”Isitonmysideofthebedandhefollowsmyleadon
hisownside.Webothliebackandhedoesn’tsayawordwhileItrytogetcomfortable.
“Thankyouforeverything.”Isearchfortherightwordstomakethisbetter,butthankyouisallI
cancomeupwith.IrolltomysideandfaceawayfromhimwhenNoah’swordsworktheirwaybackinto
myhead.LeviwrapshisarmsaroundmeandIcanfeelhisbreathagainstmyneck.
“You’renotaloneinthis.I’mheretohelpyouthroughallofit,justtellmewhat’sbotheringyou.”
“I’mjusttryingtoprocessallofthis.”HepullsmecloseragainsthimandItakeadeepbreath,
acknowledginghowgreatthisfeels.HisdicktwitchesbetweenusandIpurposelyignoreitandtuckmy
handupnexttomyfaceasIcurlintothecoversalittletighter.Noah’scologneisonmyhandsandno
matterhowhardIfighttoberightherewithLeviinthismoment,allmythoughtsarewithNoah.
Damnhimforthis.Hedoesn’tgettodothistome.
I’mpissedoffmorethaneverrightnowandtheworstpartisallofthisismakingmefeellikeI’ma
weakbitchwhocan’tdealwithherownproblems.Levishouldn’thavetosaveme.Ineedtosavemyself
andthesetwomenmightbethefirstthingIneedtorunfrom.
LevifallsasleepandIrollovertofacehim,hopinghe’llhelpmestopthinkingaboutNoah.His
stubbleticklesmyforehead,remindingmeofourfirstnighttogether.He’sthefirstmanI’veeverbeen
withthathasfacialhair.He’sbeenamazingtomelatelyandIhatethatIcan’treciprocateallthathe
seemstobefeeling.Ifthingsweredifferent,I’dneverlethimgo.Icouldgetusedtohavingthisfacewith
meeverynight,butIcan’tthinklikethatwhenNoahisstillcirclingmymindlikeheis.
Thereheisagain,backinmythoughts.ThemoreIthinkabouteverythingthemadderIgetand
beforeIknowit,IcanbarelybreathewiththeheavinessofmyfrustrationmixedwithLevi’sarms.Islide
outfromunderhisholdanddecideIhavetorespondtoNoahrightnow.Leavingthistofesterinmymind
willonlybetoxicformeandthat’sthelastthingIneed.I’velivedwithhopeofhavinghiminmylifefor
toomanyyearsforhimtoplaywithmymindlikethis.
Iwalkthroughthehouseandfinditempty.HisbedroomdoorisopenandIcanhearthewater
runninginhisbathroom.Throughthelumpinmythroat,Iswallowhardandtakethefewstepsittakesto
gettothefootofhisbedandsitquietly.Waitingforhimtocomeoutisamindfuck,butIholdstrong
knowingIneedtogetthisoffmychest.Hedoesn’tgettomakemefeellikethisanymore.
Hestepsout,instantlyseeingme.Hishairiswetandhischestiscoveredwithmoisture.Steam
rollsoutofthebathroombehindhimandforamomentIcan’tspeakasIwatchhimapproachme.
“You’renothidingthistime.”Hisvoicesnapsmebacktoreality,soIquicklystand.“IfIwould’ve
knownyou’dbesneakingintomybedroom,Iwould’veletyoubetheonetojackmeoffintheshower.”
Hisboldnesssurprisesme,eventhoughitshouldn’t.He’sobviouslymoresecurewithhimselfnowthan
heeverwasinhighschool.TheNoahIknewneverwould’vetalkedtomelikehehasthepastfewdays.
“I’monlyheretotellyouthatyouhavetostop.Youdon’tgettoplaygameswithmyheadwhile
yousitbackandlaughatthedestruction.”Hemovescloser,slowlytakingmybreathawaywitheverystep
hetakes.
“WhosaysI’mplayinggames?”
“Ido.Youpushedmeawayjusttheothernightifyoudon’tremember,thenIstartseeingLeviand
nowyou’veconvenientlychangedyourmind.”
“Ijustcametomysenses.YouconvincedmethatIneedtothinkaboutthisalittleharder.”He
takesmyhandandputsitoverthetowelthat’swrappedaroundhiswaist,pushingmyhandintohisown
hardnessashesaystheword.IbattlewiththerealizationthatI’mnowtheoneplayinggames,pretending
asifIhaven’twaitedyearsforthisandactinglikeIdon’twantitrightnow.
Ipullmyhandaway,buthedoesn’tbudge.Hestandsovermewitheverybitofconfidencehe’shad
sinceIwalkedintothishousetheothernight.
“Tellmeyouhaven’tthoughtaboutwhatit’dbeliketofuckme.Tohavemydickbetweenyour
legs,makingyouscreamuntilyoudon’thavetheenergytofuckingwalk.”Hepullsmeagainsthisbody
abruptly,liftingmychinuntilI’mlookingintohiseyes.“Canyoutellmethat,Kali?”Idon’trespond,
becausehe’dknowI’mlyingifItoldhimIhadn’t.AndifItoldhimthetruth,I’mafraiditwouldstart
somethingI’mnotpreparedtosaynoto.
“Stop.”It’sonlyawhisper,butit’senoughtokeephimfrommovinganycloser.“Pleasejustletme
saywhatIcameinheretosay.”Hedoesn’tremovehishandfrommyneckortheoneholdingmylower
backsothatI’mpressedagainsthim.
“Saywhatyoucametosay.”He’stooclose.IthoughtIcouldfeeltheweightofhimearlier,butthat
didn’tcomparetotheheavinessI’mexperiencingnow.“Kali.Tellmethatthisisn’twhatyoucamefor.”
HedropshistowelandIpushagainsthischesttogetawayfromhim.
“Howcanyoudothistome?”
“TellmewhatI’mdoing.”Hewalksovertothedoor,casuallyclosingitbeforeheturnstolookat
meagain.He’snakedandwatchingmedifferentlythanhehasbefore.I’malmostafraidtoknowwhathe’s
thinkingandwhatmadehimchangethewayhe’sactingtowardsme.
“IthoughtIwaslikefamilytoyou.Thatyoucan’tbewithmebecauseofourparentsbeingmarried
anduslivingtogetherfifteendamnyearsago.Rememberyoutellingmethatyou’llneverbeabletofuck
mebecauseyouconsidermeasisterandthatI’donlybeapieceofasstoyou.”HelooksdownasI
continuespoutingoffallthethingshesaidtometheothernight.“Andnowyouthinkyoucanjustdrop
yourtowelandwhatNoah?YouthinkI’lljustdroptomykneeslikeawhoreandtakeyoutothebackof
mythroat?”
IgetlouderthemoreIgoon.I’minfuriatedthathe’sshiftinglikethisafterI’vestartedspending
timewithLevi.Infact,I’mactuallyenjoyingwhatlittletimeI’vehadwithhimwhereweweren’thaving
somedamncrisisofminetodealwith.“Whyareyoudoingthisnow?Afterthewayyou’vetreatedmethe
pastfewdaysandalltherepulsedlooksyou’veglaredinmydirection.”HewalkstowardmeasIwalk
backwards.Istopwithmybackagainsthisdooronceagainandheputshispalmonthedoorabovemy
headjustlikehedidtheothernight.
“I’msorry,Kali.Youdon’trepulseme.It’stheopposite.Feelwhatyoudotome.”Hepullsmy
righthandintohisandmovesitoverhiscockagain.HislipsmoveclosetomineandIfighteveryounce
ofrestraintIhavelefttosayonetinyword.
“No.”
“Doyoureallymeanno?Becauseifyousayitonemoretime,I’mthrowingyououtofhere.”He
staresintomyeyesandevenifItriedtopullawayfromhim,Iwouldn’tgetveryfarbeforeIfeelhim
again.Hehasthisholdovermeandhehasalmostmyentirelife.ButIhavetofightthesefeelings,even
thoughIknowI’llthinkaboutthismomentcountlesstimesinthefuture.
IhatethatIcan’tjuststayinhereandfinallytakewhatI’vewantedforsolong,butitallcomes
backtothewayhetreatedmetheothernight.Ican’tandIwon’tputupwithhimbeingacompleteasshole
andheseemstobereallygoodatitlately.
Hepushesagainstmeagain,thistimemakingsurehisdickgrindsagainstmypelvis.“ShitKali,
I’vewantedtotouchyouforsolong.”Hislipsbrushagainstminejustbeforeheinhalesdeeplyandslams
hismouthovermylips.Histonguefightsagainstmywillpower,takingawayanychanceIhadofstopping
this.OurhandsgropewithdesperationandbeforeIhaveachancetorealizewhat’shappening,he’slifted
mylegsaroundhiswaist,slidingmehigheronthedoor.
“Ineedyou,Kali.”
ChapterTen
Noah
She’smakingmeinsane.HerkissiseverybitastemptingasIthoughtit’dbe.Chaosfilledwith
heavybreathinganddesperationslamsmestraightintoafrenzyoftryingtogetasclosetoherasIcan.
Herhairdrapesdownbetweenus,tanglinginmyfingerswhenItrytoholdherhead.Itseemsto
causehertofreezeupandnowshenolongermatchestheintensitycoursingthroughmybody.
I’monfuckingfireandshe’sgoingtopullaway.Icanfeelheralreadydoingit.
“Ineedyou,Kali,”Irepeatandcontinuekissingherneck,bitingjustslightlywhenit’scompletely
exposedforme.
“Noah,Ican’t.”HerwhisperagainstmyearshouldcausemetostopthetrailofkissesI’m
spreadingoverherchest,butitdoesn’t.Ignoringhershouldbringherbacktowherewewereafew
minutesago,butitdoesn’t.
“Stop.”SheplacesherhandonmychestagainandIhavenochoicebuttoendwhatshouldbethe
firsttimewe’rehavingsextogether.
“Canyoutellmeyou’renotcravingthis?”Igripherhairandforcehertolookintomyeyesasmy
deepgrumblecomesoutsoundingjustasfrustratedasIam.
Therawemotionofbeingthisclosetohernearlyhasmesettingheronherfeetandwalkingaway
onceagain.There’ssomuchbetweenusandIknowwehaven’tbeguntoscratchthesurfaceoftheissues
wehave,butrightnowinthismomentallIcanthinkofissinkingmydickdeepinsidehersoIcanlisten
tohermoanformethistime.
“Notlikethis.”Instantirritationspreadsthroughmeatherrejection.Iletherslidedownmybody
andtakeafewstepsback.IstartstrokingmycockasIstandtherelookingather.Hereyesdrop
immediatelyassherealizeswhatI’mdoing.
“Howthen?Onthebed,intheshowerorwecouldalwaysgoforafuckinthepool,sinceyouseem
tolikethat.”Herstanceshiftsimmediately,justlikeIknewitwould.Iknowthisisabouttoturnintoa
conversationaboutthepastandwhat’sfesteringbetweenus.I’mnotreadytotalkaboutallofthat;hell,it
tookeverythinginmejusttoapproachherlikeIdidjustnow.
“You’reanassforsayingthat.”
“Wellyoudid,seemtolikeitoutthere.”Mystrokingslows,butIcontinueasshewalksacrossthe
room.
“Canyoustopdoingthat?”She’sannoyedandforsomereasonthatmakesmehappy,because
there’snooneinthishousemoreinfuriatedthanIam.
“Onlyifyoutakeover.I’mnotexactlyafanofhavingblueballsafteryouleavemybedroom
again.”ShetiltsherheadassheprocesseswhatI’msaying.
“Youdidn’t…”
“No,Ididn’tfuckthosegirlstheothernight.IkickedthemoutwhenIthoughtyouleft.”Forabrief
minute,Iseehertryingtocomprehendwhat’sgoingonbetweenus.
“Whydidyoutreatmelikethat?Icameheretocheckonyouandwantedtoseehowyourlifeis
going.”Sadnessspreadsoverherface,makingmefeelguiltyforcausingheranymorepainaftertheshitty
fewdaysshe’sbeenhaving.
“BecauseIwantedyoutoleave.Ididn’twanttothinkaboutwhatI’ddotoyouifgiventhe
chance.”ShesitsontheedgeofmybedandbynowI’vestoppedjerkingoffandI’mtryingtofigureout
howtomoveonfromhere.DoItreatherlikeshittogethertoleaveandnevercomebacktome,ordoI
slideheronherbackandtrytogoafterwhatI’vebeencravingoverhalfmylife?
“Youlookedsocoldthatnight.I’veneverseenyoulikethatbefore.”Herwordsarebarelya
whisperandherhairhidesherfaceasshelooksdownatherfidgetinghandsbeforeshecontinues.“I’ve
lovedyoumyentirelifeanditdawnedonmethatnightthatIdon’tevenknowyou.TheNoahIknowisn’t
capableofplayingthatdirty.YouknewIwasinhereandyoudeliberatelybroughtthosegirlsintorubin
myface.Thathurt.”
“Yousnuckintomyroom.”SheinterruptsmebeforeIcansayanythingelse.
“Ididn’tknowitwasyourroom.IjustwantedtogosomewhereprivatesoIcouldwaitonmyride
withoutanyoneseeingmelikethat.”Imovetositnexttoher,notbotheringtocoverupwithmytowelor
anythingelseforthatmatter.
“Youlikedwatching,didn’tyou?Icouldfeelyouintheroom.Wishingitwasyoutherewithme.”
Shedoesn’trespond,buthersilencesayseverything.Islidemyhandbehindherneck,pullingher
facetowardmeonceagain.ShejerksawaybeforeIhavethechancetokissher.“Wetaketurnsfighting
this,don’twe,Kali?”Shestandsquickly,exhalingloudlybeforeshestartspacing.
“I’mhavingfunwithLevi.Youdon’tgettoplaymindgameswithme.That’swhyIcameinherein
thefirstplace.”Iwatchherassasitpassesmeafewtimeswithhernervousstridingbackandforth.
“I’mnotplayinggames.ThisiswhoIam,Kali.Stillfuckedintheheadwhenitcomestoyou.”She
stopsdirectlyinfrontofme,focusingonmyeyesandplacingherhandsonherhips.Shelookssexyas
fuckwhenshe’smad.“I’dgiveanythingtofuckthatsassrightoutofyou.”Istandandstalktowardher
slowly.She’sabouttogivein,Icantell.
“Howaboutwefuckfirst,talklater.Somethingtellsmewe’dhavedifferentthingstotalkabout.”
I’mstrokingmyselfagainasItakethefinalfewstepstoreachher.HereyesfalltomycockandIcan’t
holdbackthesmirkthatspreadsacrossmyface.“I’veneverhadtoworkthishardforsex,butsomething
tellsmeyou’reworthit.”
“AlltheseyearsI’vewantedyoutolookatmelikeyouarerightthisveryminute.Andnowthatyou
are,Ican’tstandit.Iknowyou’reonlydoingthisbecauseyoudon’twantLevitobewithme.”Shewalks
tothedoorandthistimeIdon’tfollow.
“Youthinkyouknowmesowell,Kali.”
“Ididknowyou.You’vechanged.”Sheflipsaroundtogivemeonelastlookbeforeshereachesfor
thedoorknob.
“MaybeIhave.Butsomethingtellsmeyoulikethisguy.”Sheslowlyshakesherhead,denying
whatI’msaying.“Whydon’tyoustopplayingthegamesnowanddroptoyourknees?”Herjawdrops
openwhenIsaywhatIknowshe’sitchingtodo.“TakemybigcocktothebackofthatsexythroatuntilI
controlyourbreathing.”
“Fuckyou,Noah.”Sheadjustsherclothesandyanksthedooropen,leavinginahaste.Leviwalks
byrightaftershewalksout;thelookonhisfacetellsmehedoesn’tappreciatethefactthatshejustranout
ofherewhileIstandherenakedwithmyhandonmydick.Well,ifit’sanyconsolation,I’mnotfondofit
either.
“Whatthefuckdidyoujustdo?”
IpullapairofsweatsfromtheedgeofthebedandslidethemonbeforeIanswer.Ifheattacksme,
Idon’tneedmydicktryingtohelpmekickhisass.“WhatIshould’vedoneyearsago.”
Hewalksinwithhisfuckinghairstandingonendineverydirection,yetstilllookinglikehecould
putonasuitandpulloffabusinesslook.“Didyoufuckher?”He’spissedandheshouldbe.
“Notyet.”Hechargesatme,divingandslammingusbothintomydresser.
“Youfuckingdick.Youknowshe’sstayingwithme.”HelandsapunchtomystomachandIgethim
inthejawbeforeKalirushesinandstartsscreamingatbothofus.
“Stop!Fuckingstopitrightnow.I’mnotdealingwiththisshit.”Shegripshisshirtandpushes
againstmychesttoseparateus.“Levi,youdon’tgettofightoverme.I’mnotyourstofightover.Andyou
ass,”sheshovesmeandstandsagainstmewhileshefinishes.“IknowyoujustantagonizedhimandI’m
doneplayingyourgames.I’mgettingahoteluntilIcanmovebackintomyownhouse.”Shestompsout
whilewebothworktocatchourbreath.
“TellherI’mleavingonbusinessandyoubothhavethehouseforaweek.”Levisquintsatme,
knowingI’mlyingabouthavingabusinesstrip,buthedoesn’targuewithmeortrytoaskquestions.We
bothknowit’llbeeasierthisway.
Istartfoldingsomeclothesintoasuitcasewhilehestandsthereandwatchesme.“Didyourass
reallyfinallydecidetogiveintoher?”
HiswordsmakemepauseasIthinkofthebestwaytorespondtohim.“Yes.”
“Whatisityouwantfromher?”
“Idon’twantanything.Itwasastupidmoveonmypartandit’sobviouswe’llneverbeanything
morethanwhateverthefuckwearerightnow.”Hedoesn’trespond.Hejustwatchesmewithcuriosityin
hisface.Ineedtoavoidtalkingtohimtoo,sincehe’smadeithislifemissionrecentlytotellmehowI’ve
fuckedupforyearswhereKaliisconcerned.Idon’tneedanotherreminder;there’senoughtortureinmy
ownthoughtsaboutheralready.
ChapterEleven
Kali
It’sbeenfourdayssinceNoahleftandthat’showlongI’vebeentryingtoprocesseverythinghe
saidtomebeforehewalkedoutthedoor.Levihasbeenextremelyhelpfulandhasevengivenmethe
spaceI’veneededtothinkaboutthings,butIcanfeelhimtryingtopullaway.Irefusetolethim.He’s
beenanamazingfriendtomeoverthepastweekandIdon’tknowhowIwould’vemadeitwithouthim.
“Whatareyourplansfortheday?”Levirollstowardme,rubbinghisfaceintheprocess.
“I’mgoingtotakeyourfrienduponthatofferandtakethatjobatMike’s.Ineednormalcyinmy
life.”Hesitsupquicklybeforeheleansoverme.
“You’regoingtogetsofuckingtiredofseeingme.ButatleastthiswayIcanmakesureyou’re
safe.”He’stakingafewshiftsasabounceratoneofhisfriend’sclubs.I’llbewaitressingbecauseMike
assuredmeI’dmakegreattips,soI’msurethiswillhelpmegetsomemoneysavedupfasttogetacar
again.
“IdoubtI’llgettiredofyou.IjustwanttogetsomemoneysavedupsoIcangetanewplaceanda
car.”
“Youcantakemytruckuntilyoubuyacar.Icanridethebikeuntilthen.”HehasamotorcyclethatI
haven’tseenhimonyet.
“WhatwouldIdowithoutyou?”
“You’dbelost.”Heleansovertoleaveapeckonmylipsbeforeheclimbsovermeandwalksinto
thebathroom,closingthedoor.There’sthatpullingawayI’vebeenfeeling.
Ithrowthecoversoffmylegsandfollowhim,openingthedoortohimstandinginfrontofthetoilet
takingapiss.
“Youwanttoholditformeorsomething?”HeturnsjustenoughthatIcanseehisdickandthe
streamofpeeflowingfromit.
“No.Whyareyoupullingawayfromme?”Helowershisheadagain,turningsoIcan’tseehis
face.
“I’mgivingyouthespaceyouneedtofigureoutyourlife.Believeme,it’snotsomethingIwantto
do.”Heshakesoffthelastfewdripsbeforeheturnstheshoweron.
“Thenstop.IfI’mgoingtofigurethisout,Ineedyoutobenormalwithme.Idon’twantyoutohold
backbecauseI’mnotsomefragilewomanthatcan’thandleyouatyourbest.”Hesmilesandexhalesin
relief.
“Thankgod.MydickisgoingtofalloffifIdon’tgettotouchyousoon.”Heapproachesmewitha
hungerinhiseyesandIdon’tmakehimsayanythingmorebeforeIstartpullingmytanktopandshortsoff.
“Jesus,Kali.Howdidyougettobesoperfect?”Hisbreathhitsmyear,sendingchillsovermy
nakedskin.
“You’renotsobadyourself,youknow.Agirlcouldgetusedtowakingupnexttothisfaceevery
morning.”Igriphischininmyhandandpullhisfacetowardmine.Hedoesn’tgivemeachancetosay
anythingfurtherbeforehecoversmylipswithhis.Hepullstheshirtoffhisbackandkickshisshortsoff
inrecordtime.
Grabbingmyass,heliftsmearoundhiswaist.ThemusclesinhisarmsshiftundermyhandsandI
takethisopportunitytoexplorehimalloveragain.Asmyfingersrundownhisback,hemovesusuntilmy
backisagainstthewallintheshowerandthewaterisracingdownbothofourbodies.
Hemovesfasttopositionhimself,makingthefirstthrustinsidemeexquisite.He’severythingI’ve
alwayswantedinaman,yetmymindhauntsmeeveninthisverymoment.He’snotNoah.
Heneverwillbe.SowhydoeshefeelsorightandNoahseemslikeeverythingIshouldsteerclear
of?
“Kali,you’retightasfuck.Areyouclenchingdownonmydick?”Irealizemymindhasmetense
whenIneedtobefocusedonLevi.Releasingmymusclesallowshimtothrustdeepthistime.“Ahfuck.
That’sit.Letmein.”Hegripsmyhair,pullingmyheadbackbeforehemoansintomyneck.
Heclawsandgripsmybodywhilehefucksmeagainstthewall.Ifeelhimeverywhereandwith
thathemakesmeforgetaboutNoah.HeconsumesmeandtakesmeplacesI’veneverbeenwhenmybody
beginstoshiverandexplodeintoanorgasmsostrongthatIhavenochoicebuttoscreaminpainand
pleasureatthesametime.
Hedoesn’tstopthrustingevenwhenIbecomesosensitivethatI’mtryingtopullawayfromhim.
Hismoaningbecomeslikeagrowlwhenhereacheshisownorgasmashepullsoutandsendshiscumall
overtheshowerwallbesideus.“Fuck,youmakemecrazy.Ineededthatthismorning.”Herunshishand
throughhiscrazyhair,allowingthewatertotamethemessontopofhishead.
“Youdon’texactlymakemecalm.”Hesmilesanornerygrinbeforehehitsmebackwithhis
banter.
“MaybeIlikeyoucrazy.”Thisishowweare.He’sfunandalwaysplayful.He’sexactlywhatI
needinmylife.He’snotouttofuckwithmymindorcausemetofeelinadequateaboutmyshortcomings.
LevihasalwaysmademefeellikeIdeservetobehappy.Evenwhenhetriedtogetmetoforgetabout
Noahandmoveonwithmylife,hisintentionsweretomakemerealizethatIneedtorespectmyself
enoughtoknowNoahdoesn’tdictatemyhappiness.
“MaybeIlikeyoucrazy.”
“Nah,youlovemycrazy.Youthinkit’ssexy.”He’sright.I’mbeginningtolovehiscrazyandIsure
ashellthinkit’ssexy.
ChapterTwelve
Kali
“Lookatthatass.”Levistepsclosebehindme,pullingmeagainsthishipsasI’mbentoverwiping
atableclean.
“Stop.Itoldyoutokeepitprofessionalattheclub.Idon’tneedyoudistractingme.”Hereleases
mewithagiantgrinonhisface.
“Alwayssoserious.IlovethatIknowtherelaxedKali.”
“Awayfromhereyoucanbelikethat,butwhenI’matworkIneedyoutorespectthatI’mbusy.”
“OhIknow.Ijustcouldn’tresistthatassofyours.”
“Well,thankyou.Ithink.”Igrabthetrayofemptyglassesandturntolookathim.“Igetoffinan
hour.Whattimewillyoubedone?”
“I’mheretillmidnight.Areyougoingtohangaroundhereorheadtothehouse?”Heshiftsintohis
seriousprotectiveLevi.
“I’llheadtoyourhouseandtakeashower.I’llbetherewhenyougethomeandmaybewecanstart
whereweleftoffthismorning.”HiseyeslightupandIcan’thelpbutmatchhissmile.Hemakesmefeel
amazingandIwanttospendtimewithhim.
“Howdoyoufeelaboutgoingforaruninthemorningbeforework?Ormaybesomegrocery
shopping?”
“I’min.Wealsoshouldgocheckoutsomehouses.ItoldNoahI’dfindaplacetostaysoon.You
canstaywithmeuntilyougetyourplace.Orifyoudecidetoneverleave,I’dbefinewiththattoo.”His
smilesayseverythingandinthismoment,Idon’tseeanythingwrongwithseeingwherethisrelationship
goes.
“Soundslikeaplan.Let’sseehoweverythinggoes.I’llseeyoulatertonight.”Itakethelasttrayto
thekitchenandclockout.MikealreadytoldmehowgreatIwasdoingandsaidIcouldleaveoncethelast
tablewascleared.
Levifollowsmeouttohistruck,justlikeIthoughthewould.HealsokissesmeashardasIhoped
hewould.“Nowsee,outhereit’sokay.Infact,Iwantyoutogropemeandactlikeyoucan’tkeepyour
handsoffme.”
“IthinkIcanhandlethat.”Hepullsmeagainsthischestforahugjustbeforesomecommotion
disturbsusbackattheclubentrance.“LookslikeIneedtohelpatthedoor.I’llseeyouinacoupleof
hours.”
Hedoesn’tleavemeuntilI’minthetrucksohecanclosethedoor.Levihasawayofmakingme
feelsafeandIlovethatabouthim.It’ssomethingIneverknewIwasmissinguntilheshowedmewhatit
feelslike.
Ilookdownattheclockonmydrivehomeandrealizeit’sbeenexactlyaweekfromrightnowthat
IwasatLevi’shousefortheparty,seeingNoahforthefirsttimeinyears.Mynerveswerealloverthe
place,butI’mgladItookthechanceandwent.Thecuriositywaskillingme.It’samazinghoweverything
canchangeinjustafewdays.
IparkasclosetothehouseasIcanandrushinsideonceIgetthere.Iguessthathasbecomeahabit
latelywiththeassholeneighborlivingnextdoor.
Oncethedoorislockedagain,Itakeadeepbreathandfliponafewlights.Thehouseisquiet,soI
hittheremote,sendingmusicthroughthespeakersandbegintomovefreelyaroundthehouse.I’vedone
everythingIcantomakesurenothingisoutofplaceinNoah’shouse.Idon’tneedhimtohaveanyreasons
togetpissedwhenhereturns.
Myplanistobeoutofherebythen,butsomethingtellsmehe’dholdagrudgeforyearsifIdo
anythingevenintheslightesttoirritatehim.
I’mwipingdownthebarwhenIhearthefrontdoorslam.Irushtoseewhoitisonlytocomeface
tofacewithNoahinthelivingroom.“Don’tmindme.Pleasecontinuetomovearoundthehouseinthat
sluttylittleoutfitofyours.Ihappentolikewatchingyou.”
“Youwerewatchingme?Whatthehell,Noah?”Imovetocheckallthecurtainsbeforehehasa
chancetorespond.
“Sueme.”HestartsupthestairswithoutanotherwordandmyheartbeatssohardIcanfeel
throughoutmybody.
Whydoeshestillhavethepowertodothistome?He’sanasshole.
ChapterThirteen
Noah
Thosefuckingshortsshouldbeoutlawedinpublic.Herasscheeksareouttoteasetheworldand
torturemetofuckingdeath.Itakethestairstwoatatimeanddon’thearanynoisebehindme,notthatI’d
stopfromstrippingifshedidfollow.
I’vebeendrivingforfourdaystryingtofigureoutwhatI’mdoingwithmylife,onlytoreturnwith
amorechaoticmindthanwhenIleft.Kaliismyweakness;shealwayshasbeen.TheonethingIdid
figureoutonmysoul-searchingtripisthatIregretnotgivingintohersooner.It’salwaysbeenKali.I’ve
datedwomenforyearsandeverysingleoneofthemhadtoenduremycriticalcomparisontoKali.And
everysingleoneofthemcameupshort.
IhearLevi’sbedroomdoorclosejustbeforeIstarttakingapiss.She’shidingfromme.Idon’t
blameher.Butsadly,thatdoorbeingclosedisn’tgoingtostopwhatI’mabouttosaytoher.
Pullingtheoldphotoalbumfromthetopofmyclosetandanewt-shirtfromahanger,Ileavemy
roomonamissiontotalktoher.IgiveherthecourtesyofaknockbeforeIopenthedoor.She’ssurprised.
“Ididn’tsayyoucouldcomein.”
“Yeah,yousee;it’smyhousesoIdon’thavetobeinvited.”Ifeellikeadickforsayingthat,butit’s
whatslipsoutbeforeIhavethechancetostopit.
“Whatdoyouwant,Noah?”She’sirritatedwithme.
“Thoughtyoushouldseesomething.Wecaneitherdothisinhereoryoucanmeetmeback
downstairs.”Shescansthebedbeforesheresponds.
“Downstairs.”Iletmyeyesmoveoverthebedandthenbacktotheuncomfortablelookonherface
beforeIturnaroundandleavetheroom.ShefucksLeviinthatbed,ofcourseshedoesn’tfeelrelaxed
havingmeinthatroom.
I’minthekitchenpouringmyselfadrinkwhenshemakesanappearance.She’snowwearing
sweatpantsandabaggyt-shirt,I’msureinanattempttokeepmefrommakinganymovesonher.Little
doessheknowthere’snotathingshecouldputonthatwouldcausemetonotbeattractedtoher.
Iopenthephotoalbumandturnmybacktoitasshesitsdownatthebar.“ThisiswhyI’ve
struggledwithwhatwehavebetweenus.Doyouseewhatyourmommademeaftermyfatherlefther?”I
listentoherturnpageafterpageofthescrapbookthathashauntedmeforyears.
Glancingovermyshoulder,Iseethatshe’sengrossedwitheachpage.“Noah,Ihadnoideamy
momsentyouthis.”
“Shesentanewsectioneveryyear.Iaddedtothatbookuntilshestoppedsendingmepages.”
“Jesus.Nowonderyou’vefoughtthis.Sheputthewordsisteroneverypage.”
“Iknowshedid.”Shelooksupfromthealbumbeforeshegetstotheend.
“Wearen’tbloodrelatedNoah.WhatI’vefeltforyoualltheseyearsgoesdeeperthanthat.I’ve
lovedyoubychoice,notbysomefateofnaturethatwe’rerelatedandI’mforcedintorespectingyou.I
lovedyoubecauseyouunderstoodme.YoumademefeellikeIbelongedsomewhere.”Tearsfillhereyes
andittakeseverythinginmenottogoaroundthebaranddrythemlikeIhaveinthepast.
“I’vealwayslovedyou.Butitwasneverenoughforyou.”Idrinkmywhiskeyandwatchherfinish
thealbumwhileshefightsthetearsthreateningtoslidedownherface.“Thankyouforshowingmethis.”
AndbeforeIcanspeakaroundthelumpinmythroat,she’swalkedoutoftheroomandisrunningupthe
stairs.
IpourmyselfanotherglassandcontemplatehowI’msupposedtoreacttoher.Nomatterhowmany
timesI’vetriedtodenywhatI’vefeltovertheyears,she’salwaystherelingeringinthebackground
torturingmymind.Ithrowthelastswigofmydrinkbackanddecidetogoforwhat’smine.
ThistimeItakethestairsoneatatime,playinginmyheadexactlywhatI’mgoingtosaywhenI
openherdoor.IshouldfeelguiltycomingatherlikeIhavebeennowthatshe’splayingaroundwithLevi,
butweallknowthatisn’treal.
Standingnexttothecloseddoor,Icanhearwaterrunning.She’sintheshower;Ican’tthinkofa
bettertimetotellherhowIfeel.Shefailedtolockthedoor.That’ssomethingshe’lllearntodoifshe
wantstokeepmeout.
Icanseehernakedsilhouettebehindtheroughglassdoor.Herheadistiltedbackwhilesheletsthe
watersoakintoherlonghair.Hertitsmovejustslightlyassherunsherfingersthroughherhair.Icould
watchherlikethisallday,butI’mnotgoingtomissthisopportunity.Kickingmyshoesoff,Islidethe
dooropenandstepin.IttakesherasecondtoseemeandjustlikeIthoughtshe’ddo,shescreamsbefore
shetriestocoverherself.
Ipullherhandsintominetocalmher.“Stop.I’mjustheretotalk.”Herbreathingisheavyandher
eyessearchme,tryingtounderstandwhatI’mdoing.Ibrushthehairoffhercheekandlickmylipsbefore
Isayoneword.Thewatercontinuestodrenchmyshirtandjeans.
“I’vealwayslovedyoutoo.”ThelumpinmythroatseemstobegrowingthemoreItalk.“You’ve
beenmorethanenoughforme.Butthetruthis,I’mafraidI’llruinyou.”Irubmythumboverherlowerlip
whenshestartstosaysomething.“Kali,it’swhatIdo.Youdeservebetterthanme,yethereIamfighting
againsteverythingI’vetoldmyselfforyears.”
“Noah,”shewhispersagainstmyfingers.HergriponmyjeanstightensandforasecondIimagine
rippingmyclothesoffandfuckingherrighthereinLevi’sshower.Herfaceistormentedasshefights
whateverisfuckingwithhermindandIknowIneedtoleavethisshower.Imaybeagiantdick,butthisis
evenbeyondmycapabilities.
“Takeyourtimefindingaplace.Youcanstayhereaslongasyouneedto.I’llkeepmydistance,
unlessyoucometomeformore.”Shedoesn’treleasehergriponmeevenwhenIdropmyhandstomy
sides.Shegripstighter,pullingmetowardher.
Islideahandbehindherneckandpullherfacetowardmine.Mykississoftandgentle.IknowifI
letthisgoanyfurther,she’llhateherselffordoinganythingwhileshe’sstillconnectedtoLevi.Ineedto
letherhavetimetofigurethingsoutforherself.Ifshedecidesshewantshim,I’llhavetolearntolive
withit,butatleastnowsheknowshowIfeel.
Istepoutoftheshowerandpullatowelfromtherack.IevenpulloffmyjeanssoIdon’ttrack
footstepsthroughthehouse.IfLeviseesmywettrackstrailingthroughhisroom,he’sliabletokillmein
mysleep.Ifthetableswereturned,that’sexactlywhatI’ddo.
ChapterFourteen
Levi
IseeNoah’struckinthedrivewaywhenIpulluptothehouseandmymindinstantlygoesintoa
panicwonderingwhathe’ssaidtoKali.Hehasn’tbeenexactlywelcomingtoher,soIhopehehasn’tsaid
anythingtonighttocontradictmetellinghershe’swelcometostaywithus.
ThehouseisquietwhenIstepinsideuntilIhearaglassbeingsetdowninthekitchen.WhenIturn
thecorner,Noahisstandingbehindthebar,pouringtwoglassesofwhiskey.“Haveadrinkwithme.”
“What’stheoccasion?”Idropmystuffonthetableandtakeastoolatthebar,watchinghimclosely
asItrytofigureoutwherehisheadis.
“DoIneedaspecialoccasiontodrinkwithmybestfriendoffifteenyears?”
“Thoughtyouweregoingtobegoneforaweek.”Hehandsmeoneoftheglassesandleansback
againstthecabinet,facingmewhileheslowlysipsthewhiskeyfromtheglass.
“Idroveforfourdays,thendecidedIwasreadytobehome.”Ifollowhisleadandsipthedrink,
eyeinghimovertherim.
“Fourdaysofdriving.It’sbeenawhilesinceyou’vepulledthatstunt.”Iknowhim.Heonlydrives
likethatwhenitinvolvesKali.Heusestheroadashisthinkingtime,onlyinthepastitwasfortwodays
atatime.
“Yeah,Iguessithas.”HisvoicebecomeslowerwhenIhearfootstepsbehindme.Idon’tlookback
toseeKali,Iknowit’sherbythelookonhisface.
Shesitsnexttome,notsayingawordwhileshewatchesNoahturnandpulloutabottleoftequila.
“Ithinkit’stimeweallhaveashottogether.”Hiseyeslockonherswhilehepoursthefirstshot,thenhe
doesn’tmakeeyecontactwithheragain.Icantellhe’suptosomethingandI’mhalftemptedtobeathis
assjustforwhatmymindisconcoctingasapossiblescenarioofhisintentions.
“Tofuckingoffinthepast,fuckingforfuninthepresent,andfuckingupinthefuture.”Heliftshis
shotglassandholdsitoverthebarashewaitsforustobothjoinhim.Iraisemineandsheslowly
follows,bothofuslookingathimlikehe’samentalcasereadytoblow.
“That’salotoffucking,mydearfriend.”
“Youshouldrelatetothat,”heshootsbackquickly,pouringusallanothershot.
“Noah,whatareyoudoing?”Hervoiceislow,almostlikeshe’sscaredtopokethecrazythat’s
lingeringintheroom.
“Can’taguyjusthaveafewdrinkswithhisfriends?”Hehandshertheshotglassagain,both
glaringimaginarydaggersintoeachother’seyesbeforeshetakesit.
“OnemoreandI’mgoingtogoshowerthetrashywhoresoffme,”Ispeakup,interruptingtheir
intensezonedinbehavior.There’sobviouslysomethinggoingonbetweenthesetwoandeventhoughI’m
findingmyselffallingforKali,Iwon’tbeabarbarianandpushhertofeelthesameformewhenIknow
howshe’sfeltaboutNoahherentirelife.ShehastofallformebecauseI’mthebetteroption,notoutof
guilt.
“Kali,whydon’tyoudothehonorsthistime?Whatarewetoastingto?”Noahputsheronthespot
andIwatchhershiftinherseatwhileshethinksaboutatoast.Myeyesfalltoherlongbraidedhair,still
dampfromhershower.
“Totakingitonedayatatime.”Iwatchhimsmirkandlifthisglass,soIfollow.Thisonedidn’t
tasteassmoothastheotherone,butitmightbemechokingonthethoughtsswirlingaroundinmyhead.
“I’mheadeduptoshower.”Sheturnstowardmeandsurprisesmewithasoftkiss.Iletmytongue
slideoverhersafewtimesbeforeIpullbackandlookherintheeyes.“I’llbebackdowninafew.”Her
smileallowsmetoleaveherwithaconfidencethatshe’sstillfeelingme,eventhoughI’mnotpushing.
“Soundsgreat.”ShegivesmeonelastkissbeforeIleavethetwoofthemalone.IdecideIneedto
hurrymyassupandshowbackupastheusualLeviandleavethistiredassholeupstairs.
Kali
Noahisplayinggameseventhoughhesaidhe’dleavemealoneunlessIapproachedhim.Icantell
LevicaughtontohisshenanigansandIknowI’llneedtotellhimeverythingsoon.Hedeservesthetruth
frommeandIcanonlyhopehedoesn’thatemeforwhathashappenedthepastfewdays.
“Wasthatlittleshowforme?”Noah’sirritationisobviousbythesoundofhisvoice.
“Itwasn’tashow,Noah.YouknowI’vebeenspendingtimewithLevilately.He’sactuallyreally
nicetome.”
“Oh,Idon’tdoubtthat.”
“Don’tbelikethat.Youhavetogivemetimetoprocessallofthis.”Istandwiththeintentionof
goingupstairstoescapehisrudedemeanorwhenhemovesaroundthebartomeetme.
“Tellme.Doyouthinkhecouldstilltastemykissonthesesexylipsofyours?”Herubshisthumb
overmybottomlip,wipingawayanymoistureLevileftbehind.
“WhatmakesyouthinkIdidn’tscrubmylipsonceyouleft?”Hesquintshiseyesbeforehe
respondswithamischievousgrinonhisface.
“Becausewebothknowyouslidtwofingersinthatpussyofyoursandthoughtofmewhileyou
wereleftwantingtherealthing.”
“Isthisyoukeepingyourdistance?Becausetomeitfeelslikeyou’recomingatmefromall
angles.”Heputshishanddownathissideandallowshiseyestobrushovermyface.Icanalmostfeel
himashetakesallmyfeaturesin.
“You’refuckinggorgeousandyouhavenoidea.Thatalonemakesyoudangerous.”Idon’trespond
tohim;that’swhathewantsfromme.He’smakingitveryclearthathewon’tbegivingmemyspaceto
figurethingsout.He’sgoingtobeveryaggressivelytorturingmeuntilIeithergiveintohimorleaveso
hecan’tgettome.
LevihasbeenamazingtomeandIcan’tshakehowI’mbeginningtofeelabouthim,butatwhat
pointdoItrytoprocesshowI’vefeltforyearsandtrytocomparethattowhatI’vebeenexperiencing
withLevithepastweekorso?
“Drinkwithme.MaybewhenLevicomesdownwecanallgettoknoweachotheralittlebetter.
Sincewe’vemissedoutonsomuchofeachother’slives.”Heleavesmestandingbymyselfonthisside
ofthebarwhilehepoursanotherdrinkforbothofus.
“Isyourplantogetmedrunk?”
“Andwhatifitis?Truthtendstocomeoutwhensomeonehasliquidcourage.”Hewatchesme
closelyashereachesoverthebaronceagain,handingmemyglass.“Somethingtellsmeyou’llreact
differentlyafteranotheroneofthese.”IwonderifNoahisonlyactinglikethisbecausehe’smadatLevi
forwhatwe’vebeendoingandthisishiswayatrevenge.
MaybehehopesI’llgiveinandthenhecanrubitinLevi’sfacewhilehethrowsmeouttothe
worldaloneonceagainbecausehecan’thandleourconnection.Whoknowswhathe’supto,butIcan
handleafewdrinksandremainclearheaded.HehasnoideawhatI’vebeendoingwithmylifeifhe
thinkstwodrinkswillhavemespillingallmysecrets.
TheonlythingIknowisIcan’tloseLevirightnow.Hemakesmefeelsecureandsafeandthat’s
somethingIhaven’thadinmylife.It’ssomethingI’mnotwillingtolose.
“I’mnotoneofyourlightweightfloozies,Noah.Icanholdmyown.Youpressuringmeinto
drinkingwon’tchangemydilemma.”Iwon’tgointohowmuchI’mstartingtocareaboutLevi;hewon’t
believemeanyway.WithNoah,everythingisabouthimsohewon’tunderstandhowI’mfeeling,evenifI
trytoexplainittohim.
“I’mhearingachallenge!”Leviyellsoutfromthestairsbeforeheentersthekitchentojoinus
again.
“That’swhatI’vebeensaying.”NoahlookstoLeviasifhe’llhelpencouragemetodrink.
“Maybeweshouldhitthegolfcourseforalittleroundofglowinthedark,liketheolddays.”Noah
smilesthesecondthewordscomeoutofLevi’smouth.
“Havefun,boys.Thisgirlstilldoesn’tplaygolf.”
“I’llteachyou.”Levitoweldrieshismessyhairwhilehisblueeyesworktoconvincemetodo
anythinghesays.
“Yeah,hecanteachyou.”Noahthrowsbackanothershotbeforehewalksoutoftheroom.“I’llcall
Mikeandtellhimwe’llbeonthegreensohedoesn’tsendthecopsouttogetusliketheolddays.”
“Isheharassingyou?”
“IcanhandleNoah.”Levimovescloseenoughthathisscenthitsmejustbeforehepopsthetowel
towardmyleg.
“Neversaidyoucouldn’t.”HeturnstofacemeasIrushtostandandretaliatewiththehandtowel
fromthebar.
“Notthedick.Notthedick.”Hestuttersandstandssolidwithhishandscoveringhim,butallowing
metohithiminthelegbeforehegrabsmeinabearhug,swingingmearoundtheroomafewtimes.
“You’reinsane.”
“Youjustrealizingthis?”Hestopsspinningus,pullingmeagainsthisbarechestandallowingme
toinhalehissexyscentalloveragainwhilehekissesme.HishandsbegintogropemeandallIcanthink
aboutisthechanceofNoahcomingintoseethisandwhathe’dsay.
“YoushouldgowithNoah.Ithinkitwouldbegoodforthetwoofyoutospendsometime
together.”Hegripsbothofmyarmsandpullsmeawayfromhischest.
“Notachance.IonlyagreedtodothisbecauseIwanttospendmoretimewithyou.Ifyouwantto
ditch,I’dbemorethanhappytospendtimewithyouinmybedroom.”
“Levi,IfeelbaddoingallofthisinNoah’shouse.MaybeIshouldtrytogetahotelorsomething
foraweek.”
“Ifthat’swhatyouwant,wecangotomorrow.ButI’mnotlettingyougobyyourselfuntilIcanget
theguystogetthatneighborofyourstakencareof.Ihaveafriendworkingonafewthings.”Idon’task
questionswhenheturnshisbacktowardme.SomethingtellsmeIdon’twanttoknowwhatthey’reupto,
butIwon’tfeelbadiftheydohandlehim.
“Thankyou,Levi.”Mysoftvoicehashimlookingoverhisshouldermid-stepbeforeheleavesme
standinginthekitchenalone.
“You’rewelcome,Kali.”
ChapterFifteen
Noah
IfIhavetowatchhimwraphisarmsaroundheragain,Imaydrivethisfuckinggolfcartstraight
intothewater.
“Lineitupandjusttapit.You’vegotthisone.”Itrytoencouragefromthecart,hopingtogivehis
overlyattentiveassabreakfromgrindingupagainstheronthisshot.
Sheglaresoveratme.IknowshecantellI’mirritated.Hell,Levimustknowtoo,unlesshe’sjust
anidiot.Myguessishedoesn’tgiveashitandactuallyenjoysseeingmeraginglikealunatic.
“Allright,youdrinkagain,Kali.”She’sstartingtoslurherwordsandhasquicklymovedintothe
nogozoneforwhatIwashopingtoaccomplishtonight.
ShewassupposedtogettipsyandthenI’dgethertostarttalkingandshe’dtellushowshetruly
feels.I’mreadytogetLevioutofthepicturewhenitcomestoKali.She’smineandshealwayshasbeen
andthat’ssomethinghehasknownforyears.
“I’mdone.Ican’thitthatlittleballwhenI’msober.I’llbedrinkingateveryholeifwekeepthis
up.”
“Ifyouwantmetodrinkforyouontherestoftheholes,Iwill.Justrememberyouhavetodeal
withthewhiskeydickwhenwegetback.”IttakeseverythinginsidemenottorunhimoverasIwatchhim
slapherontheassandIhavetohearherlaugh.Fuckallofthis.Inevershould’vecameoutherewith
themtonight.Leviisn’tgoingtostepasideeasilyonthis,he’smakingthatveryclearwitheverymoment
thatpasses.
It’stheeighteenthholeandLeviisablubberingdrunk.Sheseemstobesoberingupsome,butat
thispointI’vejoinedinjusttodullthesharpnessofthebanterbetweenthetwoofthem.
“Fuck,I’mdrinkingagain.”Leviliesinthegrassafterhislastshot.Heknowshe’sdonefor.
“Noah,I’mwatchingyou.”Ihearhiscomment,butignoreitasIhelphimup.
“Comeon.I’llgetusbacktothehouse.”MyhousesitsnearthegolfcourseandMikewon’tmindif
Iborrowthecarttillmorning.Icangothroughthefieldthiswayandstayofftheroads.
IsithimonthebackseatwhilesheslidesinnexttowhereI’llbesitting.“Thiswasfun.”Themoon
lightsupherface,allowingmetoseehersmile.ForabriefsecondI’mfrozen,justtakingeverything
aboutherin.
“Noah,whatareyoudoing?”Iwatchherlipssaymynameandfightlikehelltokeepfromkissing
her.IwagewaronmyselfforthethoughtsgoingthroughmyheadandwishIcouldbetheguythattakes
whathewantsanddoesn’tgiveashitabouttheconsequences.IknowifIdoanythingtonight,she’llnever
forgivemeandthat’snotsomethingI’mreadytodealwithagain.
“Takingyouhome.”Shedoesn’tsayawordonthewaybacktothehouse.Idriveinsilenceandtry
tosortthechaosgoingoninmymind.She’sthewomanI’vealwayslovedandI’velostherbecauseI’ve
beenafraidmyentirelifeofwhatotherpeoplewouldthink.I’vebeenmiserablemakingotherpeople
happy.
Iparkthecartinmyparkingspotandshestaggersintothehouse,leavingLeviformetotakein.I’m
halfdragginghimtothecouchwhenIhearherthrowingupinthebackbathroom.
“Kali,areyouokayinthere?”
“Goaway,Noah.”She’shurlingbeforeshefinishessayingmyname.Iopenthedoortoherhugging
thetoilet,herhairhangingallaroundherface.
“Fuck.I’mnotgoodatthisshitKali.”Ipullherhairbackandwaitforhertofinishthrowingup
beforeItossheratowelandhelpherup.“I’mgoingtoputyouintheguestbedroomdownheretonight.
He’spassedoutonthecouchalready.”Shenods,agreeingwithmewhileIhelpheroutofthebathroom
andacrossthehall.
“I’msorryI’msuchapain,Noah.Idon’twanttobe.”Herwordsringinmyearsandithitsmethat
shehasnoideathatI’vealwayswantedherandtheissuesshebringsintomylife.Ihavetotalktoher
again,buttonightisnotthetime.
IhelpherunderthecoversandbeforeIhavethechancetoleavetheroomshesurprisesmewitha
whisper,“Staywithme,Noah.”
“Kali,Ican’t.”
“Please.”Istandoverherasshedozesoffandthenopenshereyesagain,searchingforme.“Noah.
Please.”Eventhoughthisisn’thowIpicturedthetwoofusinbedtogetherforthefirsttime,Islidein
besideher.ShemovesagainstmeandIholdheragainstme.Bothofusfullyclothedandatleastoneofus
havingaheartslammingmoment,realizingwhat’sbeenmissinginlife.
ChapterSixteen
Kali
IwakeupwrappedinNoah’sarms,feelingmoreguiltthanIthoughtpossible.WhathaveIdone?
MythoughtstrytowraparoundthepossibilitythatLevisawusandwhatI’dsaytohim.
SlidingoutofbedslowlyiseasierthanstayingquietwhileIgathermythings.Ihavetogetoutof
thishouse.I’msuffocatingmyselfwiththesetwomenandIdon’tknowhowtoallowmyselfachanceto
breathe.
IopenthefrontdoorwithmybagsdrapedovermyshouldersknowingIcan’tcomebackhere
again.It’sbestforallofus.ThewayI’mhandlingthingsrightnowisn’thealthyformeoreitherofthem
forthatmatter.
Theneighborhoodisquietsoit’seasytohearthedooropenbehindme.It’safifty-fiftyguessasto
whoitis,butIdon’tturnaroundtolook.Ican’tfaceeitherofthemrightnow.
“Kali.”Noah’sdeepgrumbleslidesovermyskinlikeitalwaysdoes.
“Noah,don’ttrytostopme.TellLeviI’llreturnhistruckassoonasIcangetaloaner.”
“Tellhimyourself.I’mnotwastingpossiblymylastfewsecondswithyoutalkingabouthimorhis
things.”Ifacethedoortothetruck;it’sbetterifIdon’tlookathim.He’salreadytormentingmeenough.
Whateverhe’sabouttosaywillonlymakewhatI’mgoingthroughworse.
Heholdsthedoorclosedwithhispalmovermyheadlikehealwaysseemstodo.“Weneedto
talk.”
“We’vesaidenough.IneedtothinkandIcan’tdothatwiththetwoofyousuffocatingme.”
“Wherewillyoube?”Hisvoiceislouderthistimeasheleanscloser.
“I’mnotsureyet.I’lltextyoubothandletyouknow.”Heslideshishanddownmyside,forcingmy
eyesclosedwhileItakeinwhathe’sdoingtome.
“HowwillIknowyou’resafe?”Hedropshishandstohissideandtakesastepback.
“I’mnotyourworry,Noah.Icanhandlemyself.”Iopenthedoorandthrowthelastbagintothe
seatbeforeIturnaround.
“Ineversaidyoucouldn’t,butthatwon’tstopmefromworryingaboutyoubeingsafefromthat
psychoticneighborofyours.”
“Thankyouforallowingmetostayatyourhouse.”Beforehehasachancetostopmeorsay
anythingtomakemechangemymind,Islideinandclosethedoor.HewatchesmeleaveandImake
myselfstoplookingintherear-viewmirrorasIpullaway,hopingIdon’tregretthisoneday.
Noah
She’soutofherfuckingmindifshethinksI’mjustgoingtoletherleavewithoutsayingwhatIneed
tosay.Iturntofollowheronlytofindmytruckisstillatthegolfcourse,leavingmewithonlythiscartto
chaseherdownwith.
Callmecrazy,butI’mnotthinkingthatwouldbethebestwaytomakemypointandwinherover.
IdrivethecartbacktoMikeandgetmytruckbeforeIgobacktothehousetotakeashower.The
waterwashesovermeandallIcanthinkofishowshefeltagainstmeinbedlastnight.Howhersmile
andthesoundofherlaughtermadetheentirenightperfect.
I’mpullingashirtovermyheadwhenLevipassesmydoorway.“Where’sKali?”
“She’sgone.”
“Whatdoyoumeanshe’sgone?Whatthefuckdidyoudo?”Hisfirstthoughtistoblameme,just
likeitshouldbe.
“Shesaidsheneededspaceandshe’dreturnyourtruckassoonasshecould.”He’spullingouthis
phonebeforeIcansayanythingfurtherandIdon’tstophim.Ifhecanconvincehertocomeback,then
that’llmakeiteasieronmetohavethechancetotalktoher.
Levi
Igethervoicemail.IfeellikedogshitbecauseIdranksomuchlastnight.Thishangoverisn’t
helpingmethinkaboutwhatI’mgoingtosaywhensheanswers,butitdoesn’tstopmefromobsessively
callingheroverandoveragain.
Ontheseventhcallsheanswers,“Levi.Please.”
“Pleasewhat?Letyougetrapedbythatfuckingdickneighborofyours,notachancesweetheart.
GetyourassbacktothishousebeforeIfireupmybiketocomefindyou.”
“Ineedspace.YoutwoaresmotheringmetodeathandIneedtothink.”
“What’stheretothinkabout?Theonlythingyouneedtobeworriedaboutrightnowisyourdamn
safety.Whereareyougoing?”IfirebacksoundingmoreirritatedthanImeanto.Thisfuckinghangover
isn’thelpingthisconversationgoassmoothlyasitshouldbe.
“IwasjustgoingtodriveuntilIfoundaplacetostop.Thoughtmaybetheopenroadcouldallow
mesometimetoprocesseverything.”Icanfeelherpullingawayfromme.IthastobeNoah.
“I’llgowithyou.”
“Levi.You’reoneofthereasonsIneedtothinkandIcan’tdothatwithyouaroundme.”
“Igetthat.JustcomebackhereandI’llgiveyouallthespaceyouneed.Youcanstayintheguest
bedroomandIwon’tbotheryouaslongasIknowyou’resafe.”Myoverwhelminginstincttoprotecther
isonoverdriverightnow,nothankstowhatmybuddiesfoundoutabouttheneighbor.“Look,youcan’t
underanycircumstancesgotoyourhousealone.Ineedyoutopromisemeyou’recomingbackhereand
I’llgiveyouwhatyouneed.JustdothisformesoIdon’tgobacktojailmakingsureyou’resafefromthat
fuckeragain.”I’mpullingoffmyclothesasIwaitforherresponse.OnewayoranotherIhavetogetto
herandI’mnotgoingtowastetimeifshetriestomakemeworkforthis.
“Allright.I’llcomeback,butweneedtotalkassoonasIgetthere.”Shesoundsdefeatedandsad.
Itkillsmetohearherstrugglinglikesheisandthere’snothingIwouldn’tdotofixthatforher.
“I’llgetintheshowernow.Textmewhenyou’rehereandI’llcomeouttothetruck.”She
disconnectsthecallandIrushtotakemyshower.IfIdidn’tfeelsomuchlikeass,I’dhaveskippedit,but
itseemstohelpimmensely.
ImakeamaddashtothekitchenandthrowtogetherasandwichandgrabaGatorade,managingto
getitdownbeforeshetextsthatshe’shere.Noahhasn’tmadeanotherappearancebythetimeIheadout
thedoortoseeher.
ShelookslikehellandIgetinslowlyasItrytoeaseintowhateverconversationshewantsto
have.“Thankyouformakingiteasyonme.YouknowIwould’vedriventhisentiretownlookingforyou
ifthat’swhatittook.”
“Levi,youdon’thavetoprotectme.”
“Iknowthat,butIwantto.Thatguyisbadfuckingnewsanduntilhe’soutofthepictureIstillwant
tokeepaneyeonyou.Now,whathasyourunningfrommyhousethismorning?”Shelooksdownatthe
steeringwheelinstantly.
“Ineedtimetothink,likeIsaid.”
“I’llgiveyouthat.I’llgiveyouwhateveryouwant,justcomebackinsideandI’llletyoucometo
mewhenyou’rereadytotalk.”Hereyesarefilledwithtearswhenshelooksupatme.
“Levi,I’velovedNoahforsomanyyearsthatIdon’tknowanythingdifferentandnowyou’ve
somehowcreepedthroughthecracksofmybrokenheart.”Shepausesandswallowshardbeforeshe
continues.“Andnowhe’sdecidedtogiveintothesupposedfeelingshehasaswell,butI’verefused
him.”Iknewthisconversationwascomingwhensheleftthehouseinsuchahurrythismorning.“Irefused
himbecauseofhowIfeelaboutyou.”Iturntoherwithhope,butit’sonlyheartbreakthat’sspreadacross
herface.She’strulytornaboutthisandthatmakesmerealizewhatImustdo.
Ihavetoleaveheralonesoshecandecidewhatshewants.She’sheldontotheslightchancethat
NoahwouldreciprocateherfeelingsforyearsnowandIcan’tbethereasonshedoesn’tgiveherselfa
chancewithhim.Idon’twantherregrettinganythingifshe’swithmeandifthatmeansIstepbackand
giveherthespacesheneeds,thenthat’swhatI’lldo.
WebothsitquietlyuntilIfinallyrespond.“Icareaboutyou,Kali.Andbecauseofthat,Iwantyou
toseeifthere’sanythingbetweenyouandNoah.I’vewatchedthetwoofyouovertheyearsfightthe
temptationsandifyou’rebothfinallyonthesamepage…Icouldneverholdyoubackfromthat.”Ispeak
pastthelumpinmythroatandgiveherwhatsheneedstomoveforward.
“Levi,Idon’tknowwhatIfeel.I’mliterallyallovertheplaceandit’smakingmeinsane.”
“Whosaysyouhavetomakeadecisiontoday?Staywithusatthehouseandtaketimeuntilyou
decidewhatyouwant.”It’llsuckifIhavetosaygoodbyetoherandoutoftheslimchancethatshe’ll
realizewhatwehaveisthebeginningofgreatness,I’mpushingtohaveherstay.
IwantKaliinmylife.Shemakesmesmileandeverythingisfunwithher.She’salwaysbeen
differentthananyotherwoman,Ijustdidn’trealizehowmuchdifferentshe’dbewhenIreallygotto
knowherandhowmuchI’dlovethatdifference.
“Idon’twanttohurtyou.”Shewon’tlookatmethistime,soIreachacrossthetruckandlifther
chinuntilshehasnochoice.
“Lookatme.”Istopatearfromtrailingdownhercheek.“Youwon’thurtme.Iwantyouhappyand
ifthatmeansyou’rewithNoah,thenthat’swhatIwant.”Idon’ttellherthatit’llgutme;shedoesn’tneed
thatbitofinformationweighingonhermind.
“NowcomeinsideandI’llhelpyougetyourstuffsetupinthespareroom.”Webothopenour
doorsatthesametimeandthenIletherfollowmeinside.Noahisinthekitchenwhenwepass,but
neitherofusstoptofillhimin.Ineedtohavealittleoneononetalkwithhimaboutallofthisanyway.
“Youknowwheretofindmeifyouneedanything.”
“Thankyou,Levi.Hereareyourkeys.”SheattemptstohandmytruckkeysbacktomeandIdon’t
reachforthem.
“ItoldyoutokeepituntilyoufoundsomethingtoreplaceyourJeep.”
“Iknowyoudid,butIcan’tkeepgettinghandoutsfromyou.”
“It’snotahandout;you’rejustborrowingituntilyougetyours.”Iwalktowardthedoor,knowing
she’snotgoingtomakeiteasytoreasonwithheraboutthis.“Ihavetoworktonightattheclub;willIsee
youthereforyourshift?”
“Yes.I’llbethere.”ItmakesmeoddlyateaseknowingI’llgettoseehertonight.Iwalkout,
leavinghertothinkandgivingmyselfachancetoseewhatNoahhasbeenupto.
ChapterSeventeen
Noah
“Weneedtofuckingtalk.”Levislamshishandonthepatiotable,rattlingmycoffeecupand
everythingelseintheprocess.
“What’syourproblem?”Thesunshinesaroundhisbody,soIcan’tseehisexpression,butIknow
thisisaboutKali.Levidoesn’tgenerallyletanythingbotherhim.Iguessthat’schangednow.
“Myproblemisyourassneedstofigureoutwhatyou’redoing.Therestoftheworldisn’tgoingto
sitbackandwaitwhileyoudecidewhenyou’llallowKaliintoyourlifeornot.I’mfuckingdoneseeing
herhurt,soifthat’swhatyouhaveasagrandplan,changeitnow.”Hesitsinthechairoppositemeand
glareswithanangerI’mnotusedtoseeinginhim.
“WhosaysIhaven’tfigureditout?”
“We’llsee.ButjustknowI’llkickyourassifyouleadherononlytothrowheroutagain.”He
caresabouther.It’swrittenalloverhisface.
“Holyshit.You’renotjustplayingaroundwithher,areyou?You’refallingforKali.”Hestands
abruptly,notlookingatmeagainashewalkstowardtheslidingdoor.
“Allyouneedtoknowisifyoufuckup,I’llbetherereadytosweepinandsaveherwhileIkick
yourass.”HeleavesmesittingbymyselfoutsideandIwonderwhatshesaidtohimexactly.
Itseemslikeshebrokeitoffwithhimtoseewhatcouldcomebetweenus.Itakethelastsipofmy
coffeeandslideinside,hopingtoseeheragain.Thiscouldn’thaveworkedoutbetterformethismorning.
Kali
I’mstillstaringatthedoortomynewroomwhenIhearaquickknockandseeNoahpeekin.“So
youdecidedtostay.”Heopensthedoor,proudlywalkinginwithhisheadheldhighlikehejustwona
competition.
“Forafewdays.”
“Good.It’llgiveustime.”Hesitsontheedgeofmybedandfallsback,watchingmeasImove
aroundtheroom.
“No,it’llgivemetime.JustlikeItoldLevi,Ineedtodosomesoulsearchingandyoutwoarethe
reasonIleftinsuchahurrythismorning.Ican’tbreathewhileyougivemewhiplashandLevidoes
everythingI’veeverwanted.”
“Youcan’tbeseriousaboutLevi.”Iturnquickly,flashinghimasternlookthatshutshimup
quickly.
“He’sbeenamazingandIwon’tletyoutalkshitabouthim.”Hesitsup,raisinghishandsindefeat.
“Fine.He’sagreatguy.Nowlet’stalkaboutme.”He’ssodamnconceitedthatIwanttochokehim.
HowdoIlethimgettomelikehedoes?
“You’reanass.You’vemadethatveryclearovertheyearsandyouhaven’tpulledbackthepast
weekeither.”Hestandsandstalkstowardme,slowlywatchingmetakeastepbackwitheachonehe
takesforward.
“Justremember,youcametome.You’vecreepedintomybedroommorethanoncenow,sodon’t
getpissedatmeforthislittlepredicament.”Hisbreathhitsmycheekashefinisheshissentence.His
mouthisdangerouslyclosetomineashecontinues.“Andnowlookwhereweare.Backtowherewe
werethefirstnightinmybedroomwithyourbackagainstthewallandyoureyesbeggingmetoripyour
clothesoffsoIcanfuckyou.”
“Myeyesaren’tbeggingforanything.”Isteparoundhim,leavinghimstandingbythedooralone.
“YouforgetthatI’veknownyoumostofyourlife.”
“Youforgetthatyouhaven’tbeenaroundmethelastfewyearsandyoudon’tknowmelikeyou
usedto.”Herubshischinandleansagainstthedoorframe,imitatingsomeoneponderingoneoflife’s
greatmysteries.
“You’reright.ItlookslikeI’llneedtochangethatinthenextfewdays.Getashowerandchange.
I’mtakingyousomewhere.”Heswingsthedooropenquicklyandleaveslikeamanonamission.
“Ihavetoworktonight.”
“I’llhaveyouthereintime.NoexcusesKali,getready.”Hisvoicegetsfurtherawaybeforehe
finishes.
Hehasnoboundaries.He’sestablishedthatmanytimes,butthewayhe’sorderingmetoget
dressedoncommand,remindsmeoftheoldNoah.TheonethatIfellforyearsago.
~~~~~~
“Getin.I’mtakingyoutooneofmyfavoritethinkingplaces.Somethingtellsmeyou’llfinditjust
asrelaxingasIdo.”HehasthepassengerwindowdownwhenIstepoutside.
IglanceoverandseethatLevi’smotorcycleisgone.IthoughtIheardtherumbleoftheenginejust
beforeNoahsteppedintomyroom.
“Howfararewegoing?”
“It’sjustafewmiles.”
Webothsitinsilenceasthetreespasswhilehetakesmedowntheroadandintoawoodedarea
thatIdidn’tevenknowyoucouldgobackinto.Thesmallroadisn’tmeanttobetraveledandthefurther
wego,themoreIcantellthisplacewillfeelremoteandgivemethepeaceandserenityIneed.
Theviewisgorgeouswhenwefinallyparkinfrontofasmallwaterfall.Idon’twaitforhimtosay
anythingbeforeI’moutofhistruck,walkingtowardthewater.
I’vealwaysbeendrawntowaterandthat’ssomethingheknows.“Iloveit.”Takingineverythingin
sight,IkeepwalkinguntilI’mattheedge.Hefollowsmeandsitsonalargerock.Hehitstheemptyspace
nexttohimacoupleoftimestogetmetositwithhim.
“Thisplaceisgorgeous.Andsoquiet.Youwererightaboutmelikingit.”
“See,Iremembertheimportantthingsaboutyou.”IcanfeelhimlookingatmewhileIcontinueto
takeinoursurroundings.“Ievenremembertheexpressionsyoumakewhenyou’rehappy.”Ilowermy
headathiswords.JustwhenIthinkhe’sstillthegiantasshe’salwaysbeen,hedoessomethinglikethis
andsurprisesme.
“Whyareyoubeingnicetome?”Hemovescloserwithmyquestion.
“Let’sjustsayI’vedecidedtogoforwhat’smine.”HiswordssendasurgethroughmychestasI
realizehe’stalkingaboutme.
“Youdon’tgettosaythat.”Hemoveshishandovermybackandslidesmyhairawayfrommyface
beforeheleansinclose.
“SureIdo,Kali.”Heslideshishanddown,thenbackupashesendschillsthroughmybodywith
histouch.Hepullsmyfacetowardhisandbeginskissingme.
He’sbeinggentle,yetdemanding.Likehewantstotakehistime,butexpectsmetomeethimwith
everymovementofhistongue.Hetugsmeontohimasheleansback,guidingmetostraddlehiswaist.
Hishandsmovefastoverme,notallowingtimeformetothinkaboutwhat’shappening.He’sNoah.
Allconsumingandjustasaddictiveashealwayshasbeen.
Heslidesthestrapsdownonmytanktopandliftshisheadtokissmychest.Ilovehowhismouth
feelsonmeandI’mscreaminginternally,hopinghe’llslidethemateriallowerandfocusonmysensitive
nipples.
“Fuck,Kali.”Hisfirmsqueezeonmyasssendsmeevendeeperintoaswirlofdelicatefleshthat’s
morepatheticthanIthoughtpossible.I’vewantedhimforsolongandhefeelsbetterundermethanI
imagined.
“Noah.”Isitupandwhisperhisnamewhilemybodybeginstotakeover.EvenifIwantedtostop,
Idon’tthinkIcouldatthispoint.IoweittomyselftoexplorewhatNoahandIhavetogether.
ChapterEighteen
Noah
Islidehertanktopoffandwatchhernippleshardenasthewindbrushesoverthem.She’sgrinding
herhipsonmywaist,makingmydickhardandthrowingmyrestraintoutofcontrol.
IwanthermorethanI’veeverwantedawomaninmylife.
ShereachesbetweenherlegsandtugsopenthebuttononmyjeanswhileIpullhersopen.Shelifts
offofmejustlongenoughforusbothtodropourjeans,thenweracetogetbackintothesameposition.
Ourlipscrashintoeachother,bothofusbitingandkissinglikethisisourlastchancetolivelife.I
feelherheartracingagainstmychesteventhoughhertitsbrushagainstmeeverytimesherotatesherhips
overme.
Mydickglidesthroughherwetnessafewtimesbeforeshestallsoverme,searchingmyeyes.She
pivotsherhipsandwestareintoeachotherassheslidesdownthefulllengthofmydick.
“Noah.Ohmygod.You.Feel.Sofuckinggood.”She’sbreathy,speakingbetweenthrustsasshe
movesoverme.
ThisiswhatI’vebeenmissingmyentirelife.TheintensitywehavetogetherissomethingI’ve
neverexperiencedandsomethingI’mnotwillingtowalkawayfrom.She’smine.AndsomeoneI’llfight
likehelltokeep.
ThewindblowsthroughherhairandeventhoughI’mfightingtheurgetotakeover,Iholdbackand
justwatchhermoveoverme.Theslowgrindofherhipsandthetightnessbetweenherlegshasmenearly
goinginsane.
Herhandsspreadovermychestallowinghertoshift,sendingmeevendeeperinsideher.
“Kali.Fuck.”Sheliftsanddropsherhipsoverandoveruntilshe’sfrozeninplaceallowingher
orgasmtoracethroughher,practicallyparalyzingherwiththemostsatisfiedexpressiononherface.She
pullsherbottomlipbetweenherteethasshemoansthroughtheendofherrelease.
Onceshefallsonmychestandherhairdrapesoverme,Itakeover.Ispreadbothhandsoverher
asscheeks,givingmethegripIneedtothrustintoherslowly.I’mnotinanyhurryforthistoend,soI’m
makingthemostofeverymoment.
Shestartstokissovermychestandintomyneck,softlybitingeveryonceinawhile.Herskinis
likesilkagainstmineandthescentofherhairisevenbetterthisclose.
Ipullmostofherhairintomygrip,exposingherneckandchesttomewhenItugherbacktolook
atme.“You’remakingmecrazy.I’llneverbeabletoresistyouafterseeingyoulikethis.”Mywordsslip
outandthesmileonherfaceshowsmewhateffecttheyhaveonher.Mydicktakesover,sendingme
thrustinginandoutofherwithafuryuntilI’mforcedtopulloutandsendmyreleaseallthewayupher
back.
ShemanagestogetanotherreleaseinbeforeIfinish,sowebothcometoastoptogether,looking
intoeachother’seyeswhilefightingforthebreaththatseemstoescapeus.Icanfeelherheartracing,
matchingmyownwhileIcomedownfromthehighthatshesentmeto.
“Kali.Iwantyou.Notjustthis,butallofyou.”Mydeepgrumbleseemstostartleherintoreality.
Shesitsupabruptly,lookingshockedbymywords.
“That’swhatyousayrightnow,buthowwillyoubewhenwegobacktotherealworld?”She
movesoffmewithaquicknessthatsendsaboltoffrustrationthroughmybody.
“WhatdoIhavetosaytoyoutomakeyourealizewhatIwant?”
“Idon’tknow,Iguessyourhistorywithkeepingyourwordisn’texactlycleanwhenitcomesto
me.”Sheusesmyshirttodryherbackbeforesheputsherownclotheson.Itossmyshirtovermy
shoulderaftershethrowsitatme.
“That’sinthepast.”
“IguessI’llneedtoseethatyou’vehadachangeofheart.”Shestartspacingthesmallarea,her
facelookinghorrifiedastherealizationofwhatjusthappenedhitsher.“Ican’tbelieveIjustdidthatwith
you.”TearsbegintofalldownherfaceandbeforeIcangettoher,she’scryingoutloud.
“Leviwillhatemeforthis.HowcouldIdothistohim?”
“Wait,youwereveryclearaboutneedingtimetothinkaboutthings.Youtwoaren’tacouple,so
what’stheissue?”ItrytoapproachheronlytohaveherwalkawayfrommethesecondIgetnear.
“Noweweren’tacouple,butthatdoesn’tstopthefactthatIcareabouthim.Idon’twanthimto
everthinkthatIwasusinghimtogettoyou,becauseinallrealityIwasn’t.Ireallylikespendingtime
withhimandI’mnotevensureIwanttostop.Jesus,thismakesmesoundlikeawhore!”Shescreamsthe
lastsentencebeforeshetakesoffstraightforthetruck.
“No,itdoesn’t.Itmakesyousoundlikeaconfusedwomanwhocaresabouttwomen.”Sheturns
abruptlytofacebeanduseshershirttodryherowntears.
“Takemehomeplease.IneedtotalktoLevi.Andsohelpmeifyoutrytobeatmetoit,I’llnever
speaktoyouagain.”
ChapterNineteen
Kali
WhathaveIdone?BeingnearNoahhasbeensomethingI’vewantedmyentirelifeandgiventhe
firstchance,Itakeit,nomattertheconsequencestoothers.ThismakesmeamonsterandI’mterrifiedof
whatLeviwilldooncehefindsout.
Ican’tswallowpastthelumpinmythroatwhileNoahdrivesushome.He’sstillnotwearinghis
shirtandthatirritatesme.“Youhavetoputyourshirton.”
“Excuseme,butI’mnotgoingtoslideonacumfilledshirtjusttokeepyourlittlesecret.I
personallydon’tcareifanyonethinkswejustfucked.”
“Noah.You’renotgoinginsidelikethatifhe’shome.”
“Wellprincess,you’dbetterhopehe’slonggone.”Hisattitudeinfuriatesmeandthelumpinmy
throatturnsintorageboilingatthebaseofmytongue.
“You’resuchanass.”
“Well,I’veneverclaimedanythingdifferentandyouknowthisaboutme,Kali.”
“Iknowtherealyou.Theassistheoneyoushowtheworldjusttokeepfromgettinghurt.”He’s
puttinguphiswallsagain,Icanfeelhim.OnlythistimeI’mnotgoingtoracetotrytogethimtostop.I
justmadethebiggestmistakeofmylifebyfuckinghim.NowIcan’tthinkclearlytoknowifI’mcoming
orgoing.
HowdidIfallfortwomen?Bothsodifferent,yetbothimpactingmejustasstrongly.Ican’tbe
withoneofthemwithoutthinkingoftheother.Thisisnowayformetolivemylifeanditsureashell
isn’tfairtothem.
“Lookslikeyou’resafe.He’snothome.”Islamthedoorofthetruckclosedbeforehehasachance
tofinishhissentence.Idon’thavetobenicetohimwhenhe’sactinglikethis.Infact,ifhecan’tgiveme
thetimetoclearthingsupwithLevi,thenthatspeaksvolumestome.IknowwhereIstand.Imust’vebeen
achallengetohimtogethishandson.HejustwantedtoprovethathecouldpullmeawayfromLeviand
mindfuckmeatthesametime.
“Look,Kali.Thischangesnothing.IstillwantyouandI’llstopatnothingtomakesureyourealize
that.”
“Notnow,Noah.Youdon’tknowwhatyouwant.”Istophalfwayupthestairsandturntolookat
him.“Whydon’tyoureallythinkaboutwhatitisyouwantoutofthisbeforeyoucompletelyturnmy
worldupsidedownonceagain.”AndwiththatIturnandneverlookback.IclosethedoortoLevi’sroom
andtheoverwhelmingrushofguiltsweepsovermewhileItrytogaspforbreath.
“WhathaveIdone?”IslidedownthedooruntilI’msittingagainstit,mytearsfallingfasterthanI
candrythem.I’mwreckedwithshameforallowingmyselftogetintothismessandIdon’tevenknow
howtotalktoLeviaboutwhatI’vedone.
Idon’treallyhavetimetocomeupwithaplanbeforethere’saknockatthedoor.“Kali?”Levi’s
voicesoundsunsureontheothersideofthedoorandmybodyisininstantpanicasIcrawltomyknees
andholditclosed.
“Levi.Ijustneedaminute.”Ihearthesoundofhimslidingdownthedoorontheoppositeside,
pullingmetomatchhisactiononceagain.
“I’vegotalldayifthat’swhatittakes.”He’sbeingniceandifheonlyknewwhyI’mupset,he
wouldn’tbesittingherewithme.
“Youneedtojustwalkaway.I’mnogoodforyou.”
“Whydon’tyouletmemakethatdecision?”Hisvoicecalmsmeeventhoughitshouldn’t.I’mabout
tomakehimseejusthowbadIreallyamforhim.
“Lookatthis.Shewon’tevenletyouinyourownroom.”IstandtheinstantIhearNoah.
“Noah,stayoutofthis!”IyellasIopenthedoor,causingLevitofallbackjustslightlywhenI
surprisehim.LevistandswhenNoahwalksbywithagiantsmileonhisface.Ihavetheurgetofollow
himandslapitrightoffhisface,butchoosetostayandtalktoLevi.
Heclosesthedoorbehindhim,leavingusaloneinhisroomonceagain.“Iknowthishasbeenhard
onyou.Ihadsometimetothinkthisafternoonandwantedtotalktoyouaboutafewthings.”Hestartsin
first,soIhavetointerrupthimquickly.
“Ineedtotellyousomethingfirst.”Heflopsdownonhisbed,lookingmeoverandallowingme
timetotalk.OnlyIcan’tmanagetogetawordoutofmymouth.Idon’twanttoupsethimandthisisonly
goingtodothat.
“Kali,what’swrong?Youhavemeworried.”
There’snoeasywaytodothis,butIknowforafactifIleavethisroomwithoutdoingit,Noahwill
bewaitingtodoitforme.IfIhaveasinglechanceofLevinothatingme,thisneedstocomefromme.
“Pleasedon’thateme.”
“Icouldneverhateyou,Kali.”
“Levi,pleaseletmefinishbeforeyousayanythingelse.IfI’mgoingtodothis,Ineedtosayitall
atonce.”Henodsslowly,obviouslynotassuredhewantstoknowwhatIhavetosay.“I’mcompletely
stuckcaringfortwomen.IcamehereafewweeksagowantingtoseeNoah,thenyoucameoutof
nowhereandshowedmewhatit’sliketobetrulycaredabout.I’vehadsomuchfunwithyouandIcan’t
tellyouhowmuchitmeanstomethatyou’veprotectedmeoverandoveragain.”Istartpacingagain.Not
lookingathimseemstomakethewordscomeouteasier.
“ThenNoahdecidedhewantedtostopfightingeverythinghe’sfeltformeovertheyears.Itoldyou
bothIneedtimetothink,whichiswhyIwalkedawayfromyouthismorning.Icareaboutyouboth,Levi,
yetallIseemtodoisbouncefromoneofyoutotheother.It’snotfairtoyouthatIfeelthisway.Hell,it’s
notfairtome.It’sguttingmeinsidetofeellikethis.”Iswallowhard,knowingthisnextpartisgoingtobe
bittertastingasIsayit.
“IsleptwithNoahtoday.”HesitsupquicklyandtheinstanthurtonhisfaceissomethingIcan’t
missandeventhoughhetriestoshakeitofffast,hedoesn’tsucceed.“Iwentforadrivewithhimtotalk
andwestopped…andonethingledtoanother.”
“Idon’tneedthedetails,Kali.”Hiswordscomeoutinabiteashestandstofaceme.“Idon’t
wanttohearwhathappenswithhim.”Helooksdownwhenhegetsclosetome,avoidingmyeyes
completely.IcanfeelhimhurtingandIhateit.
“Youwantedspacetoseewhattherewasthere,Iknewthat.You’vebeenverystraightforwardwith
me.Honestly,I’msurprisedittookthislongforyoutwotogettothatpoint.”Hefinallylooksatmeinthe
eyesandIletoutthebreathI’vebeenholding.
“Ionlycareaboutwhatyoufeelaboutme.Aboutwhatwehavetogether.Andifyoubeingwithhim
hasmadeyourealizewhatyouwant.”Heslideshishandsdownbothofmyarmswhilewestandfaceto
face.Chesttochest.Eyetoeye.
“IcantellyouIfeltinstantlyguiltyandworriedaboutwhatI’dsaytoyou.Ican’tloseyou,Levi.
You’vebeenafriendtomelikenooneelse.You’vemanagedtobreakthroughallthewallsIputinplace
specificallytokeepeveryoneout.”Heturnsawayfrommebeforehestartstotalk.
“Friend,huh?”
“Nowe’vebeenmorethanfriends,butmostimportantlyyou’veshownmewhatit’sliketohave
someoneloyalonyoursideandI’vedonenothingtorepayyou.I’veonlyhurtyouandbroughtchaosinto
yourlife.”
“Don’tyouthinkIknewthisshitwithNoahwascoming?Healwaysgetswhathewants,tohell
withanythingelse.”Thelookonhisfaceistearingmeupagain.
“Ididthis.Iallowedthistohappen.Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoingfromonesecondtoanotherwith
youtwo.Ononehand,IhavethemanI’vewantedmyentirelifeandtheotherisamanIneverknew
existed.”Iwalkclosertohim,hopinghedoesn’tturnawayfrommebeforeIgettomakemypoint.“A
manIneverknewcouldcareformelikehedoes.Makemefeellovedwithasimpletouch.”Hedoesn’t
turnaway.“It’slikeyou’reteachingmetolovemyself,Levi.Andthat’sconfusingtheshitoutofme.It
makesmerealizemaybesomethingI’vewantedmyentirelifeisn’twhatIneedatall.”
“Kali,I’llletyouhavethespaceyouneedtodecidewhatyouwant,butIwon’tplaygames.”
“Iwon’teither.I’llalwaysgiveyouhonesty.”
“Icandealwiththat.”Hemovesawayfrommeonceagain,andthistimethelookofdisgustisno
longerspreadacrosshisface.
“I’msorry,Levi.”ThelumpistherethesecondIbegintosaythewords.Itrulyamsorryforthe
messI’vemade.
“JustbehonestlikeyousaidandIcanhandleeverythingelse.Iknowyou’reworkingthroughsome
stuff.”Hedoesn’tsayanythingelsebeforehewrapshisarmsaroundme,squeezingmetightly.Westand
stillwhiletherestoftheworldcontinuestoproceed.IcanhearhisheartbeatagainstmyearasIleanmy
headonhischest.
Ileanforwardtokisshim,onlytohavehimpullback.“ButIwon’tbekissingyourlipswhen
you’vejustbeenwithhim.Takeashower.You’llhavetowashthatfuckeroffofyouifyouwantanything
fromme.”
ChapterTwenty
Levi
Thingshavebeenawkwardatthehouseforthepastfewdaystosaytheleast.Kalistaystoherself,
rarelycomingoutoftheguestbedroomwhenshe’sthere.
She’sbeentakingextrashiftsattheclubandseemstobeextrafocusedonstayingbusyand
unapproachablewhenI’mthere.She’snodifferentathomeandhaspushedNoahevenfurtheraway.
Theclubisclosedtoday,soshecan’thidefrommeundertheguiseofworktonight.Idon’tlikethis
shitandIwanttotalktoherabouthowthisallwentdown.Igetit.Shefeelsguiltyforbeingcaughtinthe
middleofwhatIwantandwhatNoahistryingtoclaim.
Whatshedoesn’tunderstandis,Iknowitisn’therfault.Iknewgoingintothisthatshehasloved
Noahsincetheywereyoung.She’sneverevenlookedmywayalltheseyears.Whatstartedoutasme
tryingtopushNoahtowardsher,endedupwithmefallingforagirlIhadnointentionsofevenliking.
NowI’mcaughtupinthistriangleofadisasterwhereit’sinevitablethatoneofusisgoingtogethurt,if
notallthreeofus.
Mybestfriendwhoirritatesthefuckoutofme,butnonethelessismyfamily,hasfinallydecided
toletKaligettohim.Bythelooksofhimlately,I’dsayshesucceeded.It’sbeendayssinceI’ve
acknowledgedhim,sotosayshitisstressfulhereisanunderstatement.I’dfeelbetterifIjustknew
whereKali’sheadwas.
I’mstillinbed,afterworkingmostofthenight.It’snearlydarkagain,butI’mcontemplatingwhat
I’lldoonmynightoffwhenthedoorbellrings.Idon’tmove,knowingsomeoneelsewillgetitifIjust
ignoreit.Whenitringsagain,Ithrowoffthecoversandsaunterdownstairs,onlytoopenthedoortoa
pizzabeingheldinmyface.
“PizzadeliveryforKali.”Ilooksurprisedastheguyreachesintohispocketforapen.“Pleasesign
here.”Iforgehersignatureandtakethepizzatothebar.Openingthelidsendsthescentofdelicious
greatnessintomysensesandI’minstantlytemptedtotearintoherpizzawithoutevenasking.Iclosethe
lidandtakethepizzatowardherroom.
Herdoorisclosed,butshemustnothearmyknock,leavingmewithaneasydecisiontoturnthe
knobandgoinanyway.I’mnotgoodwithboundaries;Ineverhavebeen.ThefactthatI’vegivenherthe
spaceshe’sneededsofarhasshockedevenme.So,she’llhavetoforgivemeifpizzaismyundoing.
IsettheboxatthefootofherbedandturnaroundwhenIhearsomethingbehindme.She’sstanding
innothingbutatowel,allowingherwethairtodangleoverherrightshoulderwhilesherunsabrush
throughit.
“Awesome.I’mstarving.”Hereyesmovestraightforthebox.“Doyouwantapiece?”
“Yeah.Itsmellsamazing.”Themixtureofcleanandpizzaswirlintheroomasshepassesme.Her
smellisfamiliarandsuddenlysomethingIcherish.ImissherinmybedandwishIcouldsnapheroutof
herindecisivenesssoIcanspendmytimesweepingheroffherfeetknowingI’mnotconfusingtheshitout
ofherintheprocess.
SheaskedforspaceandI’vegivenherthat,butthatdoesn’tseemtobegettinganyofusanywhere.
Sheslipsbackintothebathroombeforeshestepsoutinatanktopandtinyshorts.Hertitsmoveslightly
asshewalkstowardthebedbeforeshesitsinthemiddleandcrossesherlegs.Thegiantpieceofpizza
shepicksupdoesn’thaveachancewhenshestartsinonit.Istandwatchingherandrealizethismaybe
thesexiestI’veeverseenher.Reallookshotasfuckonher.
“Yougonnastareatmeeatingorjoinme?”Shelooksatmeoverthepieceinherhandbeforeshe
bitesdownonceagain.“Niceunderwearbytheway.Didyoureallyanswerthedoorlikethat?”Ilook
downandseenothingwrongwiththewayI’mdressed.
“Yes,Iansweredthedoorlikethis.TheguyisluckyIwasn’tlyingnakedwhenherang.”She
allowshereyestoslidedownmychestandovermybulgebeforequicklytakingherattentionbacktothe
pizza.
Isitbesideherandsprawloutwithmybackagainsttheheadboardandmylegstakingmostofthis
sideofthebed.Shehandsmeasliceofpizzaandfollowsmylead,leaninginalmostthesamepositionon
herside.
It’safewsecondsbeforeeitherofussayanything.“Isthiswhatyouhaveplannedforyournight
off?”
“Prettymuch,”shesayswithafullmouth.
“Soundsperfecttome.”Well,partiallyperfect.IcouldthinkofafewthingsI’dliketoadd,butI
won’tgothereyet.She’srelaxingaroundmeagainandI’mnotabouttopushherawaywhenIhaveher
likethis.“Hittheremoteandseeifthere’samovieonorsomething.”
Shefindsashowanddropstheremotebetweenusbeforeshegrabsherselfanotherpieceofpizza.
“Youdorealizethisislikefoodporntome.”Ilookoverather,completelydistractedbythewayshe
looksnexttome.
“Levi,thisisnotfoodporn.”
“Ohreally?BecauseI’mturnedthefuckonrightnowandstrugglingtostayonmysideofthebed.”
Well,theregoesthatspaceIwastryingtogiveher.ImaynothavedoveontopofherlikeIwanted,butI
definitelyalteredthemoodasIconsumedherimaginationwiththatporncomment.
“Ithoughtyouweremadatme.”Shesitsupandshiftsinthebedtofaceme.
“I’mnotmad.Justgivingyousomespacelikeyousayyouneeded.”ItakeanotherbitebeforeI
continue.“ButI’mdonewiththatshit.”HereyeschallengemeasIspeak.PlayfullyteasingasIcanfeel
theeffectsofherwatchingmegostraightthroughmybodyandintomydick.
“Thankyouforthespace.”
“Didyougetanywherewiththatspace?Doyouhaveeverythingplannedoutfortherestofyour
life?”Shepicksatthemeatonapieceofpizzasittinginthebox.
“I’mnotanyclearerthanIwasthelasttimewetalked.”Shedanglesapepperonioverhermouth
beforesheuseshertonguetopullitin.Fuckingwithmeevenfurtherandtemptingmetolosemymindand
therestraintallowingmetositbacktowatch.I’mmoreofado’er.Sheknowsthis.
“Well,Ithinkthisspaceshitisoverrated.Ithasn’thelped.Maybeweshoulddothingsmyway.”
Shepopsapieceofsausageinhermouth,chewingitslowlywhileshewaitsformetofinishwhatI’m
saying.
“What’syourway?”
Itossthelastfewbitesofmypizzabackintotheboxandshovetheentirethingtothefloor.Her
eyeswatchitlandperfectlynexttothedresserthenshequicklysquintsinmydirection.Climbingover
her,shefallstoherback,herheadatthefootofthebedwhileIblanketherwithmybody.Ikissher
slowlyasshefollowsmyleadandreturnsthekiss.
“Mmmm.YoutastelikepizzaandcherryChapstick.It’squitethecombination.”Shesmilesunder
mewhileIwrapmylegsaroundherandstraddleherwaist.Isitupandslidemyhandsdownherchest
andoverherarms,causingaheavysilencebetweenthetwoofus.Theintensityisalmostimmediately
suffocatingmeasIwaitforonesinglesignthatshe’sfinewithmeattackingherlikethis.I’mtryingto
makeapoint,butofcourseifshesaysno,I’llstopimmediately.
“Don’tyouthinkyoushouldbebetweenmylegsforthistoworkout?”
“Oh.Isthatwhatwe’redoing?Thisismegivingyouspace.”Idecidetoteaseherjustalittle,even
thoughIwantnothingmorethantodivestraightbetweenherlegsandtakecareofmysexualfrustrations.
“Spacemaybeoverrated.”She’snotsmilinganymoreandIknowIneedtomovequicklytokeep
herwithme.
IslideherarmsoverherheadasIlowermyfacetohers.“IthinkIhavetoagree.Ilikeyoumuch
betterupclose.”
“You’renotsobadyourselflikethis,youknow.”
“Wecouldbeevencloserifyou’dlike.”Shepullsherbottomlipbetweenherteethandstill
managesasmilebeforeIkissherandslidemyownteethoverherlipinstead.
“Mmmm.You’realwayssotempting.”Shemoansandsquirmsbeneathme,nodoubtreadyforme
toslidebetweenherlegsandtakethishome.IadjustmybodysothatI’mbetweenherlegs.
Sheliftsthemup,allowingmetoslidehershortsoffbeforesheturnstoherside.Islideinbehind
herandwithoutanotherthought,I’mballsdeepinsideher,thrustinginandout.Rotatingmyhipsand
holdingheragainstmefeelsperfect.Shefeelsperfectagainstme.Herscent.Hertouch.Eventhesound
shemakesasIinvadeherwithoutapology.
“Fuck,Kali,”Iwhisperintoherneckandgripitwithonehand,usingitasleverageasIpullher
towardsmeoverandoveragain.Ineededthis.IneededherandIhavenoplanstolethergothislong
withoutspendingtimewithheragain.
ImissKali.Imisslaughingwithherandthefunwehaveevenwhenwe’rebeingserious.Ifshe
stillneedsspace,she’sgoingtohavetofigureoutawaytogetitaroundspendingtimewithme.
ChapterTwenty-One
Noah
Thingsaredifferentsinceourdrivetheotherday.She’sbeenavoidingme,buttobefairshe’sbeen
keepingherdistancefromeveryone.I’vebeeninmyownheadtryingtofigureoutwhatI’mdoingand
howIwantthingstobewithher.
I’velovedhermyentirelife.Actually,IlovedthewomanIthoughtshewas.Ihadnoideawhoshe
wasandwhatshewascapableofuntilrecentlyandIhavetosayI’mlovingthisKalievenmore.Ijust
wishIhadn’twaiteduntilshefellformybestfriend.Thisisridiculous.I’mstuckthinkingaboutherbeing
withhimpossiblywhenheshouldn’tevenbeinthepicture.
Thisiswhathappenswhenyoudon’tgoafterwhat’syours.Someoneelsewill.Andyouhavetobe
preparedtodealwiththeconsequences.
I’vebeengoneallday,onpurpose.Iknewshewashomefromworktodayandinsteadofhertrying
tohidefromme,IthoughtI’dmakeiteasyonher.Easyonme.
Itdidn’twork.I’mmoreirritatednowthanIwastostartwith.Iplantotalktohertonight.She
needstoknowwhereIstandbecauseIreallyhaven’ttakenthetimetotellher.It’shardtotellsomeone
somethingwhenyou’renotsureyourself.
It’sfourinthemorningbythetimeIpullintomydriveway.ThehouseisdarkandI’msureshe’s
sleeping,soIpulloutthewhiskeyandsitbythepooltothink.Themoonlightshinesbrightandflickers
acrossthepool,pullingmyattentiontowardsthewaterasIcontinuetodrink.
She’shauntingmeevenasIsitheretryingtounderstandher.Howdiditgettothis?Kalihas
alwaysbeenaweaknessformeandnowitseemsshe’smasteredthattoitsfullest.
IdropbackthelastofmydrinkandpouranotheronebeforeIheadbackinside.Thehouseisquiet.
SoquietthatI’mnotevensureanyoneishere.Levi’struckisgone,sowhoknows.
LeaningonthebarIcontemplatemynextstepwithher.DoIcontinuetoavoidanycontactwithher
inhopesofheronedaycomingtohersensesaboutus?OrdoIgetinherfaceaboutusandforceherto
payattentiontomenowthatshehasmyundividedfocus.
I’veneverbeenonetoskirtaroundshit,sowhyamIdoingthatnow.Swallowingthelastofmy
drink,Idropitinthesinkandheadstraightforherroom.
Ipushopenthedoorandseehercurledupononesideofthebed,withthecoverskickedoffher.
HertinyfigurebarelytakesupanyroomandI’minstantlyitchingtomoveinnexttoher.Iwatchhersleep
forafewsecondsbeforeIclosethedoor.
AsImovecloser,Iquicklydecideit’stimetostopallowinghertoignoremeandI’msureasfuck
abouttodotheoppositeofavoidingher.
Ipullmyt-shirtovermyheadanddropitonthefloorbeforeIcrawlupherbedfromthebottom.
Shedoesn’tbudgeasIrollheroverandslidemyfacebetweenherlegs.Thet-shirtandpantiesshe’s
wearingmakeiteasyformetogetrightintoposition.
Ibitethelacecoveringher,causinghertostartle.“Youscaredme.”Imovehershirtandblow
slowlyacrossherstomachuntilsheliftsherhipsjustslightly.
“Sorry.”Pullingherpantiesdownherlegs,Isitupandunbuttonmypants.Iwastenotimepulling
mydickoutandthere’snoneedtodoanythingtogetmehard.I’malreadythere.
“Noah.Ihavetotellyousomething.”
“Notalking.Justletmetakecareofyou.”IslidemyhandsuphersmoothlegsuntilIhaveherass
inmyhands.Liftingherhips,IlickherpussyoncebeforeIsuckherclituntilshe’swrithingagainstmy
face.ShegripsmyhairandholdsmeinplacewhileIworkherover.Takingnoteofeverysoundshe
makesalongwitheverysquirm,IbegintolearnwhatmakesmyKalitickinthebedroom.Whatmakesher
crazyandwhatleavesherindifferent.
IquicklyfindthatsheprefersmymoreaggressivetendenciesandwhenItakethingsalittlefurther
thanthebasic.Shelikesitroughandthatthrillsthefuckoutofme.
Herdeathgriponmyhairforcesmetopleasureheruntilshe’sgrindingherselfthroughanorgasm
fromtheeffortsofmytongue.Imoveoverherandtakeahandfulofherhair,quicklynoticingthe
dampness.ShesmellsofshampooandthatmakesmewishIwould’vemadeanappearancejustahalfan
hourearlier.Thatshowercould’vebeenamazing.
“Haveyoubeendrinking.”Shesmellsthewhiskeyonme.
“IhadtwodrinkswhenIgothome.”Imovebetweenherlegs,mydicksinkinginasshewrapsher
legsaroundmyass.“Iwasthinkingaboutyou.”
“Ohyouwere.”SheletsoutabreathwhenIthrustallthewayin.
“Yes.IwastryingtodecideifIshouldleaveyoualoneorremindyouwhyweshouldbetogether.”
Ithrusthardanddeep.Slowandprecise.
IholdherinmyarmsasImoveinandoutofher,kissingherasIdo.
“Thoughtyousaidnotalking.”IbiteherneckasIdriveintoheragain.Shemoansandsqueezesher
legstheharderIbite.“Ahh.Fuckkkk.”Shelikesit.Thewayshesaysfuckprovesit.
Wecontinueforhours.ThesunbeginstoshinethroughthecurtainsbeforeIdecidetostopgiving
herorgasmafterorgasm.We’rebothdrenchedinsweatasIbegintofuckherrelentlesslyallowingmy
ownreleasetogoovertheedge.Irollusoverandpullheragainstme,inhalingherscentagain.
Shewigglesagainstme,findingthatperfectspotthatwefitthebestbeforeshepullsmyarmacross
herchestandholdsittight.“IloveyouKali.”I’mwhisperingthewordsbeforeIhavethechancetothink
aboutthem.“I’vealwayslovedyou.”
Kali
I’vethoughtaboutthisverysituationmostofmylife.Whatwoulditfeelliketohavehimholdme?
Havehimtreatmelikehecan’tkeephishandsoffme,thenpullmeinandtellmehelovesme.
Theonlyproblemis…I’minlovewithtwomenatthesametime.JustwhenIthinkIcanchoose
oneovertheother,theyconfusemealloveragain.Thisisn’thealthyforanyofus.I’mturningintoa
whoreallowingthembothtofuckmeinthesameday.ThankgodIhadshoweredafterLevileft,butIfeel
anythingbutclean.
Ihavetoleave.Ihavetoslipoutofhereandneverlookbackbecausethethoughtofhavingtosay
goodbyetoeitherofthemisn’tanoption.
Slippingoutofbed,IglancebacktolookatNoah’snakedbody.He’sjustasgorgeousasI
imaginedhe’dbe.Thewayhetreatedmetonightwasperfect,butsowasthewayLevifuckedme.Levi
spenttimewithme,laughingandjoking,butstillfuckingmesenselessoverandover.
ThenNoahcomesinanddoesthesame.I’mnearlysicktomystomachthinkingaboutwhatI’ve
becomewhenIgrabmythingsandslipoutthedoor.ThehouseisquietandIleaveitthatway.Icallacab
tomeetmeatthedinerjustdowntheroad.
ThisisthebestthingIcoulddoforallofus.ForLevi.ForNoah.AndForme.
I’vedecidedtogohome.IknowI’llfacetheneighborfromhellandI’lllosethatfeelingofsafety
I’vegrownaccustomedto,butIcan’tdealwiththepullandpushcrapI’vebeendoingwithbothNoah
andLevi.
ThetruthisIcan’tdecidewhichoneIwanttobewith.I’vetried.I’vebeenthinkingaboutbothof
themsinceIwalkedbackintothathouse.WhatI’vedonetothemandmyselfisunforgivable.
IthoughtNoahwastheloveofmylifeandnowI’mnotsureIwasn’tdestinedtohavetwo.The
problemis,they’reatthesametime.Ican’tchoose.Andratherthanbreakingmyhearttosaygoodbyeto
oneofthem,I’dratherfacethedangerofthepsychoticneighborfromhell.
I’vebeensavingeverypennyI’vemadetogetmeacar.Idon’thaveenoughtobuyoneasniceas
myJeep,butit’llhavetogetmesomethingtogetaroundin.MyleaseisupintwomonthsandI’llmove
intoanewhousethen.
Ijustneedtoworkconstantlyandkeepfocusedonmovingforward.LeviandNoahwillhaveto
understandthatIcan’tbearoundthemanymore.It’stoohardandI’mbecomingconsumedinguilt.It’s
killingme.
TearsslidedownbothmycheeksassoonasIsitinthecab.Thedrivetomyhouseisquickand
beforeIcompletelyloseit,I’minsidewiththewaterrunninginmyshower.
ProofofLevibeingherewithmeisstillinmybedroomwiththebedtorealltohell.Istripthebed
andtossitallinthewasherbeforeIstepintotheshower,gaspingforairasIremovethemfrommylife
completely.
MyheartachesasItakeintheoverwhelmingemptinessIfeelnowthatI’mawayfromthem.The
voidissuffocatingmeasthewaterrushesovermyfaceandIcanbarelybreathe.BeforeIknowit,I’m
squattingwithmylegstuckedagainstmychestallowingthehotwatertowashawaythetearsthatfall.My
gutturalcriesechointhebathroom,onlymakingmesoundmorepatheticthanIfeel.
Iremainthiswayuntilthehotwaterrunsout.Whenthecoldtakesover,I’mnolongerabletocry.
ShiveringtakesoverandIfightthroughitandjustaccepttheshocktomybody.Thisisbetterthanfeeling
alltheagonyIwasbefore.
WhenIcan’ttakeanothersecondofthecold,Icrawltothefaucetandturnoffthewater.My
breathingisrapidasItrytoregainthewarmthIlost.Thetowelinmyhairandtherobearoundmybody
onlydoessomuchtohelp.
Icatchaglimpseofmyselfinthemirrorandhavetostopandlookagain.IlookasbadasIfeeland
that’saproblembecauseIneedtobeatworkinacoupleofhours.Ifeitherofthemshowuptoaskme
questions,Idon’twantthemtothinkIregretmydecisiontoleave.It’sapparentneitherofthemaregoing
tomakethiseasyonme,soIneedtobereadytostandmyground.
OnethingI’velearnedaboutthembothistheyarestubborn,buttheyarealsobothprotective.
That’ssomethingI’vealwaysknownthough.Itjustseemstohavecomeoutinfullforcelatelywith
everythinggoingoninmylife.
Iforcemyselftoputonmakeupanddomyhair,hopingthatwillmakemefeelhalfalive.Themusic
inthebackgroundhelpsslightlyuntilasongcomesonthatremindsmeofLevi.Irushtoturnitoffand
fightbackthetearsthatstarttosurfaceagain.
Glancingatmyphone,Icanseethatthey’rebothawakenow.Messageaftermessageandmissed
callslineupmyscreenfrombothofthem.IrefusetoreadanyofthemandIsuredon’thaveitinmeto
listentothevoicemessagesthey’veleft.
Icallthecabserviceearly,hopingifI’matworkthey’llbothleavemealone.That’llgivemetime
togetthestrengthuptopushthembothbackwhentheyapproachmetocomeback.Ican’tevensaywhoI
thinkI’llseefirstafterthewaytheybothactedyesterday,butIknowtheywon’tgiveupuntilthey’vesaid
theirpeace.
Myshiftendsearlytonight,whichwillgivemetimetogethomeandsettledinbeforeitgetsdark.I
lookaroundthecurtainasIwaitformyride,studyingtheneighbor’shouse.Everythingisfrozeninplace
asIlookforanysignsoflifeoverthere.Therearen’tanyvehiclesinhisdriveway,soIcanonlyassume
he’snotthereeither.
Ionlyallowedmyselfaquickglancewhenthefirstcabdroppedmeoff,wantingtogetinside
beforehedroveoff.Myhouseissecure,evenmoresosinceLevihadanewsecuritysysteminstalled.I
guesshefeltbetterknowingifIevercamebackhere,I’dbeprotected.
Therumbleofanenginegetslouderandmyheartbeginstobeatrapidly.Ilookintheneighbor’s
drivewayexpectingittobehim,butit’sstillempty.Itonlytakesafewsecondsandtheknobonmydoor
isbeingturned.“Kali.I’mcomingin.”It’sLevi.BeforeIhaveachancetosayanythingbacktohim,he’s
standinginmylivingroom.
“Whatthefuck?Youhaveakeytomyhouse?”
“Yes.I’mnotfuckingaroundwiththatassholenextdoor.ItoldyouIdon’twantyoustayinghere.”
He’slividashepacestheroom.
“Levi.Ican’tdothisanymore.You’rebothmakingmecrazyandIdon’tlikewhoI’vebecome.”
“Don’tberidiculous.You’reperfectandI’vewatchedyousmilemoreinthepastfewweeksthan
youprobablyhaveinyears.”
“I’mnotperfect.DoyounotknowthatIsleptwithNoahanhourafteryouleftmybed?Whatdoes
thatmakeme,Levi?”I’myellinghystericallywhenmycabpullsup.Levistepsbackinshockbeforehe
triestomovetostopmefromleaving.“No.Don’ttouchme.ItoldyouIcan’tdothisanymore.Letmego,
Levi.”
Thelookonhisfacebreaksme.Iturnquickly,becauseifIstayanylongerI’lllosewhatlittle
controlIhaveovermyemotions.“Lockthedoorwhenyouleave!”IyellbackasIpracticallyruntothe
carwaitingforme.He’sglaringatmeasthecabpullsawayandeventhoughIshouldfeelbetterabout
gettingawaythateasily,Iknowhe’llbebacktomakehispoint.
ChapterTwenty-Two
Levi
She’simpossible.Puttingherselfindangerbecauseshe’scaughtupinamesswiththetwoofus.I
knowwhatIneedtodo.ThiscanonlybesettledafterItalktoNoah.Hecan’twantthisforher.I’venever
seenhermoretornthanshewasjustnow.
IlockupherhouseandcallGreg.He’sthefriendI’vehadwatchingthisfuckingneighborofhers.
Luckily,Heanswersonthefirstring.
“Tellmeyouhavehiminyoursights.”
“Suredo.Alsohavesomefootageofhimbreakingintoahouseafewstreetsover.I’msendingthat
toafriendofmineontheforce.Heshouldbeoutofyourhairsoon.”
“Nicework.Keepmepostedtoday.Kalihasmovedbacktoherhouse,soI’llneedtoknow
everythingthathappenstoday.”Shedoesn’tknowI’vehadthisguytracked.ItwassomethingIhadtodo.I
couldn’thandlethethoughtofthisguycomingaroundher.Somethingtellsmehe’lltrytoproveapointif
heevergetshishandsonher.
“Willdo.”GregisaguyIknewfromtheclub.Hestartedhisownsecuritycompanyafewmonths
agoandwasthrilledtogetmycall.Iknewhe’ddowhatittooktogetthatfuckeroutofKali’slife.
Iknowshe’sheadedtowork.She’llbesafethere,soI’mgoingtospendthenextfewhourstrying
toreasonwiththeonlyotherpersonwhodoesn’tseemtolistentomewhenItalk.Thisshouldbefun.
He’srushingdownthestairswhenIopenthedoor.Hestopstolookatmefranticallybeforehe
startsaskingquestions.“Didyoufindher?Isshesafe?”
“Yes.She’satwork.Mikejusttextedmesayingshecameinearly.”Hemovesatanormalspeed
downtheremainingstepsandfollowsmeintothelivingroom.Isitonthecouchandwaitforhimtositin
thechairacrossfromme.
“Soyoufuckedherlastnight.”Hestandsabruptly,angerspreadingacrosshisface.
“WhatIdowithherisnoneofyourfuckingbusiness.”
“Itiswhenitcauseshertorunoutofhere,straighttowardafuckingsickothatlivesnearher.”Iput
myarmoverthebackofthecouchwhileheslowlysitsdownagain.“Shemadeitmybusinesswhenshe
toldmethroughhertears,sayingthatshehadbeenwithyouanhourafterIleftherbed.”Hesquintshis
eyesatme,processingwhatI’vejustsaid.
“She’stornbetweenthetwoofus.Icouldtellbythewaysheranfromherhousetokeepfrom
havingtolookmeintheface.”Heplaceshiselbowsonhiskneesandleansforwardinathinking
position.
“Wehavetomakethiseasyonher.Oneofusneedstowalkaway.”
“Justwhodoyousuggestdoesthat?”HestandsagainwhenIquestionhismotives.
“She’salwayslovedme.”
“Andyou’vealwayspushedheraway.”Iinterrupthim,onlytohavehimdothesamerightbackto
me.
“Let’snottalkabouthowidioticI’vebeenovertheyears.Ithinkwecanbothadmittostupid
movesinourpast.”
“Icareaboutherandcan’tstandseeingherlikethis.”IswallowaroundmywordswhileIrealizeI
juststoppedmyselffromsayingthatIloveher.That’ssomethingIshouldsaytoherbeforeIsayitto
anyoneelse.
“I’velovedheraslongasIcanremember.”Hesaysitasifhe’sbeenaSaintalltheseyearsand
deservesher.
“Wecansithereandhaveapissingcontest,orwecandosomethingtohelpherfindthathappiness
again.Shedeservesthat.”
“Itseemslikeshecan’tmakeadecisionwhenitcomestothetwoofus.”Noahmovestothe
kitchenandpourshimselfadrink.Itakeminebackassoonashehandsittome.“SoIguesswedoneed
tomakeiteasyonher.”
“Howexactlydoyouplantodothat?”IknowwhatIwanttosuggest,butI’msurehewon’tlikemy
idea.
“Youcandisappearandmakemylifeeasy.”Hisevilsmilehasmetryingtodecideifhe’sbeing
seriousorifhe’sjusttestingme.”
“Oryoucouldgobacktobeingyourassholeselfandpushherawaylikeyou’reboundtodosoon
anyway.”Hestopssmilingandstaresatmeasifhe’sjustnowrealizingthatIdon’thaveanyintentionof
steppingbackonthisone.
“Areyouwillingtowalkawaytoallowhertobehappy?”HespeakstomeasifIhaven’talready
contemplatedthisexactscenario.“Becauseifthat’swhatittakes,I’llgo.”Hesurprisesmewithhis
statement.Ididn’texpecthimtobeselflesswhenitcamedowntoit.It’shonestlynotinhisnature.
“Seemsasthoughwewouldbothgotoextremestomakeherhappy.”Iwalkbackintothekitchen
andrefillmyglasswithwhiskey.“Sohowdowechoose?”
“Weneedtospendtimewithhertogether.We’llbeabletotellwhoshe’sdrawntomoreandthe
otheronewillneedtodisappearoncewedecide.”Ithrowthatoutthere,knowingit’llstillbedifficultto
decide.She’sdrawntobothofusandIcanseeherhappyjusthangingoutwithbothofusatthesame
time.ButIguessthat’lldependonhoweasyitistoconvincehertomeetwithusatall.Shemaybepissed
andmakeitimpossibletoseewhatshewants.“She’sdeterminedtostayawayfromus.”
“Well,thenwegotoher.Whenhaveweeverwaitedforanythingtocometous?”Ilikehowhis
mindisworkingandIknowinstantlywhatwehavetodo.“We’llbeatherhousetonightwhenshegets
there.Thisisit.Winnertakesall.”Hewalksoutoftheroomlikehe’sonamissionandmymindinstantly
beginstothinkabouthowtheeveningwillgo.
Ineedtocallintowork.There’snowayinhellI’mmissingasinglesecondofthisnight.Ineedto
beincontrolofhowthingsgoandwatchmyownback.Ifthere’sonethingIknowaboutNoah,it’sthat
he’llstopatnothingtogetwhathewants.
Thisshouldbeonehellofaninterestingnight.
ChapterTwenty-Three
Noah
Iknewsomethingwaswrongwithherlastnight.Iwantedtoleaveallthestressbehindusand
enjoymytimewithher,butitseemsasthoughitjustcausedtheproblemstogrowandnowshe’smoved
out.
Levisaidhecaresabouther,butIknowwhathewasreallytryingtosay.Hehasn’tbeenthesame
sinceshecameintothishouse.Foronething,hehasn’tbroughtasinglewomanhomesinceshecameinto
ourlivesagain.Thatalonespeaksvolumesaboutwherehe’satinhishead.I’veknownhimlongenough
tosayhe’susedtofourorfivewomeninaweekattimes.Helikestoplayandthat’ssomethingthat
stoppedthesecondshearrived.
WhatpissesmeoffthemostisIcanseeshefeelsthesameabouthim.Thewayshelooksathimis
thewaysheusedtoonlylookatme.NowI’msharingthoseperfectexpressionswithmybestfriend.
Ihaveonlymyselftoblame.IfIwould’veallowedmyselftobetruetohowIfeltthatfirstnight,
noneofthiswouldbehappening.Thiswouldallbegoinginacompletelydifferentdirection.Whoknows,
Imayhaveendeduppushingherawayafteradmittingmyfeelings,justlikeIalwayshave.Maybeseeing
thetwoofthemtogetherhasmademefightforwhatIdeserveforonceinmylife;whichwaswhatLevi
wasscreamingatmetodo.MaybeIjustdon’twanthimtohaveherifIcan’t.I’vealwaysbeenonefora
challenge.
ThehotwaterfeelsamazingasIshowerandthinkabouthowIwanttonighttogo.Weneedittobe
asnormalaspossible.Stayinandcooktogether,maybewatchTVorplaysomegames.Thebestwayto
reallyseehowshefeelsistogethertipsyandseewhatshesays.I’vealwayssaidthere’satruthtowhat
peoplesaywhenthey’reundertheinfluence.
Ifinishmyshowerandgetreadyquickly,knowingthere’salotIwanttodotoday.Thefirstwillbe
checkingoutthatfuckingneighborofhers.IfIenduphavingtobetheonetowalkawayfromallofthis,I
wanttomakesureshe’ssafe.
LeviisstandinginthekitchenwhenIgodownstairs.“I’mgoingtogetstufftocookoutonthegrill,
doyouneedanythingfromthestore?”IdecidetolethimknowwhatI’veplannedforthenight.“Ifigured
wecouldjustchillatherhouse.Dotheshitnormalpeopledoanddrinkalittle.It’sprobablylong
overdueforusagainanyway.”Henodsatmeascheckshisphone.
“Ihavethatfuckerundersurveillance,he’sabouttobehauledofftojailforbreakingintoahouse
justdowntheroadfromKali’s.I’mnotsureifit’llhappenbeforeshegetshomeornot,sowecan’tbe
lategettingoverthere.”
“Maybeoneofusshoulddriveherhome.I’dliketoseehimcomeinwithusthere.Imightactually
enjoyrippingouthisinsidesafterthewaythisdayisgoing.”Helooksupatmeandsmilesasifhecan
relate.I’mguessinghecan.
“I’llgetherfromtheclubandmeetyouoverthere.”Hepushesoffthecabinetandfollowsmeto
thedoor.“Tonightisthenight.Lookslikeonewayoranotheryou’llberidofme.”Hethrowsthatoutjust
asIclosethedoor.InoticethejoltofhiswordsasItakethemin.
Imayhavewantedtochokehimattimes,buttruthbeknown,he’stheonlyrealfriendI’vehad.
He’sputupwithmeatmyworst,whichhasbeenmoreoftenthannot.
AsomberfeelingwashesovermeasIdriveawayfromthehouse.Mylifewillchangeaftertonight.
OnewayoranotherI’llbesayinggoodbyetoatleastonepersonIcareabout.
Kali
MyshiftseemstoflybyandbeforeIrealizewhattimeitis,it’stimeformetogo.Ididn’thavethe
timetocallthecabyet,soIpulloutmyphonetodoit.
InoticeamessagefromLevisayinghe’sintheparkinglottogivemearidehome.WhenIfound
outthathecalledintowork,Ihadhopedhe’ddecidedtoleaveitalonefortoday.Ishould’veknown
better.He’sdeterminedandtheonlywaytogethimtoleavemebeistobeevenmorestubbornand
bullheadedthanheis.
Walkingoutthedoorandintotheparkinglot,Iseehimimmediately.MyheartsinksasIlookathis
face.Hedoesn’tapproveofmedistancingmyself,butIdidn’tthinkhewould.
Islideinandfeeltheheavinessbetweenus.“Youdidn’thavetopickmeup.Icancallacab.”
“Weneedtotalkanyway.”Hecomesbackwithaquickresponse.NotonethatI’musedtofrom
him.
“Levi.Pleasedon’tmakethisharderonmethanitalreadyis.Ican’tchoosebetweenyoutwoandI
refusetobethereasonyoubothhateeachother.”
“NoahandIcametoanunderstandingtoday.Everything’sgoingtoworkoutjustfine.”Hestarts
movingthetrucktowardtheexit.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“Itmeanswearen’tlettingyougowithoutspendingsometimewithyoufirst.Weneedtoknowyour
houseissafeandthebestwayforustodothatisforustobethere.”Heturnsrightbeforehecontinues.
“That’llgivemesometimetomakesurethatassholenextdoorisoutofyourwayforgood.”
Idon’taskhimwhathemeans.He’sbeenworkingonthatforafewdaysnow.“Ihaven’tseenhim
yet.”
“WellI’mnotgoingtolettherebeayet,Kali.Idon’tcarehowpissedoffyouget.”
“Allright.I’llletyoutakemehome,makesureI’msafe,thenyouhavetoleave.”Hedoesn’t
respond.Ipulloutmyphoneandlookatmymessagesfrombothofthemthismorning.Seeinghow
demandingNoahwasinthese,I’mhonestlysurprisedtherewasn’ttwoofthemintheparkinglotwaiting
forme.
WepullintothedrivewayandIseethatNoahissittinginhiscarwaitingonmetogethome.My
nervesflareupinstantlyandIcanonlyimaginetheconfrontationthey’rebothabouttohave.Iopenmy
dooranddecidetoheadstraightintothehouse.
IneedtoprovetothemthatI’mfinetostayhere,thenmakethembothleave.“Please.Comeinand
seeforyourself.I’mfine.Nooneishereandthenyoucanbothgohome.Idon’twanttotalkabout
anythingwitheitherofyourightnow.”
“Mydear,wearen’theretotalk.Wedon’tplantoleaveanytimesooneither.You’regoingtoletus
makedinnerandwe’regoingtohaveanightinatyourhouseforachange.”IlookatNoahwithcuriosity,
wonderingwhatthey’rebothupto.
“Ileftyouboththismorningforareason.”
“Andwhatthehellwasyourreason?”Noahsnapsbackashesitsthebagsofgroceriesonthe
counter.
“Idon’tlikemyselflately.Youtwohavemeconfusedandthisisn’tgoingtohelp.”Isitona
barstoolindefeat,knowingthey’llbothbeimpossibletonightifIdon’tjustletthemdotheirthingand
makedinner.I’mleeryoftheirintentionsandwatchforanyclueastheymovearoundthekitchen.
“Whywouldn’tyoulikeyourself?Youhavetwomenwhobothcareaboutyou.Doyouknowhow
manywomenwouldjumpatthechancetospendaneveningwithus?”Noahcontinuestoparadearound
thekitchenactinglikethisisanormalnightforus,whileLevibeginstochoptheonions.
“Wellifyouaskme,thepressureisoverrated.”Theybothlookatmesimultaneously.SinceIcan’t
decidewhichonetodirectmyattentionto,IchosetomovemyfocustomyhandsasIfoldthemtogether
onthecounter.
“Youjustneedtostopstressing.Tonightisonlyfunandrelaxation.Leaveallyourworriesfor
tomorrow.”Noahagain,tryingtomakemeforgetaboutthetriangleI’vegottenusinto.
“Whatareyoutwoupto?”Levilooksupatme,innocentlybattinghiseyesbeforeheresponds.
“We’recookingyoudinner.Maybeifyou’relucky,we’llbeatyouinaboardgamesbeforewe
leave.”I’mnotsureifIbelieveeitherofthem,butfornowI’mjustgoingtoenjoyspendingtimewith
themonelasttime.Beforethenightisover,I’mgoingtotellthembothwhereIstand.Ihavetowalkaway
fromthemandtheyhavetoletmego.
IglanceoveratNoahandwatchhimpourthreeglassesofwhiskey,toppingthemalloffwitha
littlecoke.HeslidesonemywayandanothertowardLevi.Sincewhendothesetwogetalonglikethis?
I’mtryingmyhardesttojustenjoyit,butI’mhavingahardtimebelievingthatthey’vejustmagically
decidedtogetalong.
Takingbackthedrinkquickly,Iendupchokingonthepotentfireslidingdownmythroat.Theyboth
watchmemovearoundtheroomastheycontinuetopreparethefood.It’sasifthey’resuffocatingme.
“I’mgoingtotakeashower.Ismelllikeabar.”
Itakethisopportunitytowalkoutoftheroomandgetsomebreathingspace.It’sgoingtotakea
minuteformetogetmythoughtstogetherandfigureoutwhatI’mgoingtodowiththesetwostubborn
asses.Ilockthedoortomybedroomandthebathroomjusttomakesureneitherofthemgetanybright
ideas.Iwouldn’tputitpasteitheroneofthemtobustinonme.
BeinginthekitchenwithbothofthemonlymademefeelworseaboutwhatI’vedone.Theyare
bestfriendsandhavebeenforyears.Yes,theygetoneachother’snervesjustlikebrotherswould.
Ican’tbethepersonthatcomesbetweenthemandit’sinevitableifIchooseoneovertheother.My
showerishotandsteamy,justlikeIlikeit.IstayinlongerthanIplanto,butitdoeswonderstohelpme
getsomeclarity.
Iftheywantanormaleveningwherewepretendlikethingsaregoingtoworkout,thenI’llgive
themthat.Butafterthis,I’mhavingmylockschangedandforcingthembothtostayaway.MaybeifI
breakdownandscreamatthemlikeIfeellikedoing,they’llleavemealone.
Puttingtheleastamountofeffortintomyhair,Ibrushitandpullitupinamessybunwhileit’sstill
wet.Idon’taddanymakeup,thelastthingI’mtryingtodotonightisimpressanyone.Irolldownthe
waistbandofmysweatpants,tryingtokeepthemuponmyhips.It’spasttimeformetodosomelaundry,
soIthroweverythingfrommybagintoapileandpickitup.Iftheywantanormalnight,thenIcan’tthink
ofanythingmoreappropriatethandoingmylaundry.
ChapterTwenty-Four
Noah
Shewalksoutherelookingsexyasfuck,silencingbothLeviandIatthesametime.Atinypairof
lacepantieshangsfromthebottomofthepileofclothesinherarmsandIrecognizethemasthepairI
pulledoffofherjustlastnight.Shecatchesmestaringandonlyallowsherselftolookatmeforasecond.
It’sobviousthatshe’sdoingherbesttoavoidbothofustonight,whichwon’thelpusseewhoshe’sbetter
connectedto.
“Howdoyouwantyoursteak?”Levimanagestopullherattentionforaboutthesamelengthoftime
thatIdid.
“Mediumrare.”HermessyhairfuckswithmymindasIstarttothinkwhatitwouldbelikeifItook
alargehandfulofitandpulledherbackagainstmewhileIfuckherfrombehind.Iclosemyeyesand
drinkthelastofmybeer,eventhoughit’snotmydrinkofchoice.
Weplantokeepourwitsaboutustonight,butstillmanagetogethertorelax.Thewayshe’sacting
stiff,I’mafraidit’sgoingtobemoredifficultthanweanticipated.
LevistepsoutsidetoputthesteaksonandItaketheopportunitytogetapointacrosstoKali.
Steppingupbehindherasshedropsthelastfewitemsinthewasher,Isurpriseherwiththepressureof
mybodyagainsthers.She’supagainstthewasher,allowingmetogrindmyhipsintoherass.Her
breathinghaltswithasharpinhaleassheglaresatmefromoverhershoulder.
“Noah,Ican’t.Youcan’t.”
“Idon’tdowellwithorders.”IgripthatmessinherhairandpullherbackagainstmejustlikeI
imagined.It’ssomuchbetterthanIhadinmyhead.HerscentconsumesmeandI’minstantlywishingLevi
wasn’tabouttocomethroughthatbackdooragain.
Igripherhipwiththeotherhand,forcingheragainstmecompletely.“Fuck,youmakemecrazy.If
youthinkyoucanjustwalkawayfromthis,thenyou’reobviouslystrongerthanIam.”Ireleasethegrip
onherhairtoslidemyhandoverherneck.Sheextendsasifshe’sinvitingmetosqueezetight,soIdo
whileIkisstheshoulderthatshe’smadesoavailabletome.
“Thistinyfuckingtanktopisn’tgoingtohelpyourlittlecrusade.”Ilookdownthefrontofhertop,
theshapeofhertitsteasingmeperfectly.MydickishardbynowandIwantnothingmorethantocarry
herovermyshoulderstraightintoherbedroom,fuckhersenselessandmakeherstoprunningfromme.
“Noah,youhavetostop.”Herwhisperbrushesacrossmyfaceassheexhalesthroughherown
fight.She’sattemptingtoproverestraint,whenIwantnopartofthatshit.
Thesoundofthebackdoorhasherpushingmeaway.Ismileassheworkstocomposeherselfand
pretendsIdidn’tjustfuckwithhermind.IshouldfeelguiltyforwhatIjustdid,butIdon’t.Ifeitherof
themthinkthatI’mabouttojuststandbackandletthewomanIlovegoagain,they’rebothoutoftheir
fuckingminds.
Levilooksatmesuspiciously.HissquintingglaretellsmeI’mabouttomeetmymatchinthislittle
gamehesuggestedweplay.It’sagoodthingI’mnotafraidtopullatherdarkestdesires.Somethingtells
mewhatwehaveisalittlemorescandalousthananythingthey’veeverhadtogether.Hervoyeurismthat
firstnightismyproofofthat.
Levi
ItappearsI’mgoingtohavetoplaydirty,eventhoughwebothsaidwewouldn’t.Noahobviously
didsomethingwhileIwasoutside,becauseI’vebecomeveryfamiliarwiththatflusteredlookonKali’s
face.ShewasturnedonwhenIwalkedin.Whoknowswhathesaidordidtomakeherswitchhermood
soquickly.
I’mgoingtoneedsometequilaifI’mgoingtobeabletogoheadtoheadwiththatfuckertonight.
Deepdown,Ijustwanttokickhisassandendallofthis,butIknowthatisn’tgoingtokeepKalifrom
pushingusbothaway.Shedoesn’twantthestressandthatwouldputherovertheedge.Iknowherwell
enoughtomakethatassumption.
“Noah,whydon’tyoutaketheseouttothegrillandseasonthesteakwhileyou’reatit.”Ihandhim
thefoilwrappedvegetablesandtheseasoning.Thesmirkonhisfaceischallenging,butIignorehim.
Luckilyhetakesthetrayfrommeandgoesoutthedoor.
“Youdoingallright?”Ichoosetoshowherrespectandcompassion.SomethingI’msureheknows
nothingabout.
“Notreally.”Steppinginherpath,Istopherfromleavingtheroom.Hereyesbolttomineandwe
bothstayfrozeninplaceuntilIslidemyhandsdownherarms.
“Youhavenothingtobestressedabout.Justrelaxandhavesomefunwithustonight.Justbeyou.”
ShewrapsherarmsaroundmywaistandIinhalethefreshscentofherhairjustundermychinasIpull
herinforahug.MyarmsarestillaroundherwhenNoahbargesthroughthedoor.
Shedoesn’tmovetooquicklyfrommyarmsandI’malmostpositiveNoahgrowledunderhis
breathasherinsedthetray.
“I’mthinkingweshouldplaysomepokertonight.Who’sin?”Shestepsbackandshrugsbeforeshe
respondstoNoah.
“I’veneverplayed.Youguyswillhavetoteachme.”
“It’seasy,butifyouloseyouhavetotakesomethingoff.”ShelaughsasNoahattemptstodrawher
inwithstrippoker.
“Idon’tthinkso.YoutwocanplayandI’llwatch.”
“Ibetwecanconvinceyoutojoinus.”Hissmilecauseshertolookdown.He’scomingonstrong
andIcan’ttellifhisgameisgoingtoworkonherorpushherfurtheraway.Isitnexttoherandrunmy
handdownherback.Shesquirmsasmytouchslidesoverherass.Aquicksmileandaglancefromher
tellsmeshedidn’thatethatIjustdidthat.
“Soyourplanistofeedmeandgetmedrunk,thenwhat?”ShelookstoNoahbeforeturningtome
again.
“We’rejustheretoenjoysometimewithyou.Andtomakeyouseethatwe’reokaywithwhatever
decisionyoumake.Wearen’theretopressureyouintoanything.”
“Yes.Wearen’theretomakeyouchoose,butifyou’rehavingahardtimelettinggoofsomeone
yousayyou’velovedmostofyourlife,weunderstand.”IlookupatNoahandwatchhimgiveherhis
pantydroppingsmirkthatI’veseenhimusetimeaftertime.
“Youtwoarefuckingmakingmecrazy.Ican’tdealwiththiscraptonight.Canyoubothjustgo?”
Sheshocksmeasshestandsupandyellsatthebothofus.
“Nocando,sweetheart.”
“I’msuffocating.Doyounotseewhatyou’redoingtome?”Shestartscryingbeforeshecompletely
loseshershitonus.“Noah.Youhavenoboundaries.IwantedyoutobelikethatwhenIfirstcametoyou,
butyouhadtoplayyourfuckinggames,leadingmerightintohisarms.”Sheshiftsherlooktomeasshe
continuestobackawayfrombothofus.Herhandsflailingassheyells.
“Armsthatmademefeelsafeandlovedforthefirsttimeinyears.Thenyoucouldn’tfuckingjust
letmebe,youhadtocomeatmewithyourmindfuck,tellingmenow.NOWyou’reinlovewithmeand
youwanttoseewhatwecanbetogether.”ShewalkstowardNoah,stabbinghiminthechestasshe
continues.“Iwashappy.Iwassafe.Ifeltloved.Andthenyouchangedallofthatbyremindingmewhat
I’velovedaboutyouforalloftheseyears.”Sheturnsawayfromhim,hershouldersfallingasifshe’s
defeated.“YoumademeleavethesecurityIhadwithLeviandthrewmeintothisunknownshit.NowI
can’tbreathebecauseIcan’thurtLevi.Ican’thandlehowitfeelswhenhe’snotapartofmylifenow.”
Sheturnstowardme,hertearsclawingatmyheartasIwatchhercomeundone.
“ButIcan’tstandgoingadaywithouttalkingtoyoueither,Noah.NomatterhowhardItrytostay
awayfromyou,Ican’t.Don’tyouseewhatthisisdoingtome?”
Webothstandmotionless,takingineverythingshesays.“ThisiswhyIhavetoletyoubothgo.I
can’tchoose.I’llbemiserableifIdo.”Sherushesoutoftheroom,leavingusbothspeechless,frozenin
ourstanceaswecontemplatehowthehelltoproceedfromhere.
“Irefusetowalkaway,Levi.It’sKali.”HespeakstomeasifI’mnotawareofwhosheisorhow
importantsheistohim.Theproblemis,he’snotremotelyawarejusthowmuchshemeanstome.
“I’mnotgoinganywhere.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,I’vefoundlove.Ifoundsomeoneworthyof
myloveandloyalty.IfyouthinkI’mgoingtowalkawayandmakethiseasyonyou,youhaveanother
thingcoming.”Heisn’thappytohearmyresponse.“Yetherewearefightingoverherlikeshe’soursto
fightover.Itreallydoesn’tmatterwhatwe’rewillingtodowhenshe’srunningfrombothofus.”
“Youdorealizeweonlyhaveoneoptionthatwillallowusalltogetafractionofwhatwewant.
Letmegetthesteaksandwe’lltalk.”Notsurewherehismindisgoing,Imovetothebarstooltohear
himout.
ChapterTwenty-Five
Kali
Ineedfreshair.Steppingoutsideseemstohelpwiththat,eventhoughthisissomethingInormally
don’tdohere.I’mwalkingdownthedrivewaytogetmymail,whenIseetheneighbor’struckcoming
downtheroad.MyheartsinksandI’minstantlyterrified.IrushasfastasIcanbackintothehouse,only
tobemetatthedoorbybothNoahandLevi.
They’rebothonguardandreadytoannihilateanythingthat’schasingme,onlytoseethere’snothing
runningafterme.“Whatthefuckishappening?”Noahstepsoutsidetoseetheneighborpullingupinhis
driveway.“Didhedosomethingtoyou?”
“No.Ijustdidn’twanttobeoutsidewithhim.”
“Thisiswhatwe’retalkingabout.Youcan’tfuckingbeherewiththismanlivingnextdoortoyou.”
LevispinsmearoundsothathisbackistothedoorandI’mbetweenthetwoofthem.
IlookoverLevi’sshoulderandIseethesickostandingonmyporch.Hemusthaveadeathwish
comingupherewiththesetwoguyshere.Thatorhe’sfishingforthemtodosomethingagain.“Lookwhat
finallydecidedtocomehome.”Hisdisgustformeisobviousthesecondheopenshismouth.“Doyou
reallythinkIdon’tknowyou’rehavingmefollowed?”Ilookathimconfusedwhilehestartstomove
towardthesteps.
“Thenextfuckingstepyoutakewillbeyourlastifit’sinthedirectionofthishouse.Youneedto
getyourassoutofherebeforeIremindyouwhyyoushould.”LeviisquickeronhisfeetthanNoahis,but
bothofthemmeettheguybeforehehasachancetotakeanotherstep.
“Ihaven’thadyoufollowed.”Itrytoreplytohiminhopesthathe’llleave.
“Ihave,”Levispeaksup,hisdeepvoicepracticallyaroarashedivesfortheguy.Noahjumpsto
helpaswell.They’repunchingtheguyoverandoverandI’minstantlyworriedtheywon’tstopbeforeit’s
toolate.
“Pleasestop,”Ibegintocryout,onlytohavethemallignoreme.Theybothcontinuetopummelthe
guyintothegroundandduringallofthechaosoftryingtogetthemalltostop,Imissamanrunningfrom
thestreettobreakitup.
There’sbloodallovertheneighborandbothLeviandNoaharetakingturnsgettingafewmore
shotsinbeforetheguyfromthestreetpullsLevioffofhim.
“Greg,getthisfuckeroutofhere.”Levipullsawayfrombeingheld,hischestheavingfromanger
asheleansover,liftsthentossestheneighborintothearmsofthemanfromthestreet.Leviisbleedingon
hischeekandafteraquickglanceoverNoah,Icanseethatheistoo.Ijustcan’ttellhowbadtheirfaces
arehurt.
“I’lltakecareofhim.Youtwogetcleanedup.Imayneedyoutocomeintothestationtofilea
reportinthemorning.ButhopefullyIhaveallthefootageI’llneed.There’salreadyawarrantoutforthis
asshole.Ijustneedtotakehimin.”ThisGregguyishugeandhasnoproblemdraggingtheneighbortohis
car.
IstandinshockasthetwomenIcareaboutmostglareatthemanwhohasscaredmeformonths.
MyheartbeatsrapidlyasIcomedownfromthepanicthathadmeworriedoneofthemwouldkillhim
andI’dlosethemforever.
“Jesus.Youbothscaredtheshitoutofme.”Imoveclosertothemboth,notsurewhoIshouldhug,
soIdon’tapproacheither.“Comeinside.Weneedtogetyoucleaneduptoseehowbadyourinjuries
are.”IwalkintomybathroomtogetthesuppliesIneedtostopthebleeding.Neitheroneofthemsays
anythingastheyfollowme.
Bothofthemsitontheedgeofmybed,facingmewhileIrusharoundtheroomtoopenthegauze
andointmentsoIcancleantheirwounds.
“Youhadhimfollowed?”
“Yes.ItoldyouI’dmakesureyou’resafe.”Levimeltsmyheartasheadmitstoensuringmysafety.
Itakeanantisepticwipeandtouchbothofthematthesametime.Bothinjuriesseemtobeasmallcutthat
willbeeasytohealoncethebleedingstops.
“Here.Holdthis.”Igetthemtoputpressureontheirowncuts.Thewaythey’rebothlookingatme
isn’tfair,soIstepback.Levistandsquickly,pullingmeintohisarms.
“AllIwantisforyoutobesafeandhappy.”Ismellhiscologneevenoverthesweatanddirtonhis
t-shirtfromthefight.Tuckingmyhandsbehindhiswaist,Igiveinandlethimholdme.Itfeelsamazingto
beinhisstrongarmslikethis.I’mpositivehe’sholdingmetighterthanhehasinthepast.
Extrahandsslidedownmyarms,surprisingmeinstantly.“That’sallwebothwant.”Ilookovermy
shoulderandseeNoahstandingrightbehindme.Iturntofacehimandhewrapshisarmsaroundmetoo,
bothofthemsurroundingmewithstrengthandlovewhileItrytoswallowaroundthelumpinmythroat.
“Thankyouboth.”IpushNoahbackandstepoutfrombetweenthem.“Youhavenoideahowmuch
funI’vehadoverthepastfewweeks.You’veremindedmewhatit’sliketobeloved.Bothofyouhave.”I
lookbetweenthemasItalk.
Theybothtakeastepforwardatthesametime,eachslidingahanddownoneofmyarmsasthey
pullmetowardthem.“Maybeyou’vebeenlookingatthisallwrong.”NoahtalksnexttomyearandI
listenastheirclosenessparalyzesme.
“Maybeyoudon’thavetochooseoneofus.”Levicontinuestheconversationintheotherear,their
breathsheatingupmyneckfrombothsides.
“Youcanhavebothofus.”Noahbitesmyearjustashefinishesthewordsthatsurpriseme.Itryto
stepbackfromthem,buttheybothkeepmeinplace.
“Stoprunningfromus.Justletusloveyou.”Levitriestocalmmeeventhoughmymindisgoing
crazytryingtoimaginewhatmadethemcometothisconclusion.
“You’rebothoutofyourmind.Youexpectmetobelieveyouwanttoshareme?”
“Wedecidedit’sabettercompromisethanlosingyouforever,”LevitriestoexplainbeforeNoah
pullsmeagainsthimandmovesmesothatmybackisagainstLevi.
“Wewillshareyou.You’llhaveusbothaslongasyouwantus,”Noahwhispersagainstmymouth.
They’vesurroundedme,completelyenvelopingmeintoawarmthIcouldneverexplain.Bothofthemare
touchingmeinthemosttenderwayastheytrytogettheirpointacross.
Leviturnsmetofacehim,forcingmetolookintohiseyes.Noahslidesinbehindme,again
allowingmetofeelcompletelycherished.“Thisistheonlywayforyoutobehappy.Webothseeit,now
youjustneedtocometotermswithitandmovebackinwithus.”Iwatchhiseyesdancearoundashe
waitsformetorespond.WhenIdon’t,Levimovesinforakiss.Adeepkissthat’smeanttoshowmehow
hefeelsaboutme.OnethatIfindmyselfreturningeventhoughIfeeltheguiltofNoahbeingbehindme.
Ipullaway.“Wait.Ican’tstandfeelinglikeI’mjumpingbetweenyourbeds.IhatetheguiltI’ve
beenlivingwith.”
“Shhhh.”Leviplaceshisfingerovermylips.
“Noguilt.Justhappinessandpleasurelikeyou’veneverexperienced,”Noahspeaksagainstmy
ear,sendingachillovermybody.Ileanmyheadagainsthischestandgiveinwhenhestartstorunhis
handsupmytorso,gettingclosertomychestwitheachbreath.
“Kali,youdeservetobeloved.”IwatchLevispeaktomeasNoah’shandssendheatacrossmy
body.“Andtolovewhoyouwant.Youdeservetohaveeverythingyou’veeverwanted.”Hestalkstoward
me,speakingdeeplyasNoahstepsback,allowingLevitopursueusslowly.Hisgravelvoiceisgetting
sexierwitheverystep.“Youdeservetobesafe.Towalkintoyourhomeandhaveyourpickofstrong
armstorunto.”Levireachesbehindhisheadandliftshist-shirtoverhishead.
Noahstopsmovingus,allowingmetotouchLevi’schestwhileIhearhimpullhisownshirtoff.I
kissLevi’schestandallowhimtoslidemytanktopovermyhead,hishandsbrushingdownmysides.
Mybackisbare,Noahnotcoveringmeimmediately.Hefinallystepsinbehindmeandslidesmy
elasticgatheredhairoffmyshoulder,givinghimtheaccessheneedstoshootchillsthroughmybodywith
hisbite.Noahmovesslowly,slidingasilkscarfovermychestbeforeheblindfoldsme,tyingittightly
behindmyhead.
“Justfeelus,Kali,”LevispeaksagainstmylipsagainandIinhalehisscent.Masculine.Sexy.Levi.
“Ifeelyou.”Isoundbreathyandpathetic,butcompletelyconsumedinthesemen.Mymen,ifIso
choosetotakethemupontheiroffer.NotthatIcanimaginesayingnotowhatthey’resuggestingsofar.
Noah’shandslidesinsidemypantsashewrapshisarmsaroundmefrombehind.Levitugsthe
elasticoutofmyhair,allowingmystillwethairtofallovermyshouldersonceagain.Noahpushesmy
pantsdownmylegs,lettingthemfalltothefloorandleavingmenakedbetweentwomenforthefirsttime
inmylife.
Levipullshisbuckleopenandkickshispantsandshoesoutofthewaybeforehemovesagainst
me.NoahdoesthesameandbeforeIknowit,Levihasmylegswrappedaroundhiswaistandhe’sslowly
glidinghisdickinsideme.Noahstandssolidasifhe’sawallthatLevibeginstofuckmeagainst.
WrappingmyhandsintoNoah’shairashestandsbehindme,IbegintorideLevi.Rotatingmyhips
asIfindawaytosqueezeandclenchmymuscles,makingmyselftightenoughtopullafewgroansoutof
Levi.NoahholdsmeupwithhishandsonmytitswhileLevigripsmythighs.
Somanystrongarmssurroundmewithfingersslidingovermybody.Mouthsandtonguesleavinga
trailofmoisture,pullingmeataninsanespeedstraightintoawhirlofsensation.Iwon’tmakeitlongwith
thesetwo.Ineverhaveoneonone,soIknowIwon’twithbothofthemworkingmeover.Theyhaveme
wrappedaroundtheireverymoveandIcan’thelpbutwishIcouldseethem.Iwanttowatchtheirfaces.
Leviwalksmetothebedbeforehesitsmedowncarefully.Ifeelthebeddipbehindmeandbefore
Iknowit,I’minthemiddleofthebed,sandwichedbetweenbothofthem.Ilieonmybackandletthe
chaosofbothofthemconsumingmetakeovermybody.It’slikenothingI’veeverexperienced,leaving
meparalyzedtotheirtouch.
NoahpullsmetowardhimatthesametimeLevigetsclosertomyback.“Kali,tellmeyoudon’t
wantusbothatthesametimeandwe’llstop.”Ican’ttellthemthatbecausethetruthis,nowthatI’m
thinkingaboutit,Iwantitbad.
“Iwant.”Noahthrustsinsideme,makingmegaspandstoptalkingatthesametime.“Iwantyou
both.”It’sasifthesecondthewordsleavemymouth,Iflipaswitchonbothofthem.Aswitchwherethe
twoofthemmoveinsyncandpositionmesothattheycanbothenterme.Noahshiftshishipssothathe’s
deepinsidemebeforeLevistandsonthebed,guidingmyheadtosuckhiscock.
“Getitniceandwet,baby.”Noahslideshisfingersinsidemyass,slowlymakingmefranticasI
imaginewhatit’llbelikewhenLeviactuallyfillsmecompletely.Hestretchesmeperfectlyashefucks
mewhileIgagandtakeLevitothebackofmythroat.“That’sit.”Hepopsthetipagainstmytongueafew
timesbeforehemovesinbehindme.
Everythingfreezes,includingmybreathingasLevislidesinslowly,onlyenteringashortdistance
witheachthrust.TheburningsensationashecontinuestostretchmeisbothpainfulandapleasureasI
allowmybodytorelax.“You’refuckingbeautiful.Thosedamnlipsarealreadyswollen.”Ifeelhow
puffytheyareandhowtightmychestisastheymoveme.MynipplesarehardandeverysensationIhave
seemstoberushingstraighttomycore.
“That’sit.”LevibeginstomovefasterwitheachthrustandIcan’tinternalizehowthey’remaking
mefeelanylonger.Mymoansturnintoscreamsofpleasureastheyrockmyfuckingmind.
Thisiswrong,Iknowit,butIcan’tseemtodrumupanounceofguilt.Tome,thisisperfectionand
loveatitsfinest.Bothofthem,worshippingmybodywiththeirdeliciousmixofroughandtendertouches
can'tpossiblybeimmoral.Andifitis,savemeaseat,betweenthem,inHell.Irefusetodenymyself
anythingthatfeelsthisdamngood.
Wehavesexforhours.Bothofthemmakingittheirmissiontomakemycollapseinexhaustion
whentheyfinish.I’vealwaysfantasizedofhavingathreesome,butneverimagineditbecomingapartof
myeverydaylife.Isitevenapossibilitythatthey’rereallyokaywiththissituation?Couldwereally
coexistasifwe’reatrio?WilltheygetmadatmeifIspendtoomuchtimewithoneofthemoverthe
other?
IpullofftheblindfoldandsmileasIslidebetweenthem.Wealllieonourbacks,breathingdeeply
asweletthesweatdripdownourbodies.ThismakesmeanxiousthemoreIthinkaboutallthepossible
waysthiscouldgowrong.Thisissomethingweneedtohaveaserioustalkabout.OnethatIneedtobe
includedinthistime.
“Youbothwantmetobelievethatyouwon’tgetmadatmeifIspendmoretimewithoneofyou
overtheother?”
“Weknowyou’llbewithbothofus.”Noahthrowshisarmoverhisfaceandexhales.“Wejust
needyoutobeyou.Dowhatyouwantandwhoyouwantatalltimes.Ifyou’rehappy,thenwe’rehappy.”
HethrowsouttheexpectationsasLevislideshisfingersbetweenmine.
Noahrollsovertofaceme,placingasoftkissonmyshoulderbeforehecontinues.“No,really.We
understandwhatthismeans.Iknowyou’remostlyworriedthatI’llbeanangryasswhenyouspendtime
withhim,butIwon’t.”
“AndIwon’tholditagainstyouifyourollwiththatassoverthere.”Levikissesmyothershoulder,
sendingasmileacrossmyface.
“Yeah,yeah.IthinkIprovedmyworthtothislittletriowehavehere.Saywhatyouwant.”Noah
fallsbackonhisbackagain,coveringhisfaceagain.
LevislidesoutofbedandIwatchhimwalknakedoutofmyroom.“Whereareyougoing?”Isit
up,planningtofollowhimoutoftheroom.
“Toeat.Myassisstarving.”
Epilogue
Kali
“You’regorgeous,stopfussingandgetbackinbedwithme.”LevihasbecomedemandingsinceI
movedbackin.Noahwasalreadyridiculous,sobetweenthetwoofthem,I’msurroundedbyalpha
personalitiesconstantly.It’sagoodthingIcanhandlethemboth.Ijustchoosetopickmybattles.
“Youhavetosaythat.”Isitontheedgeofthebedonlytohavehimcrawlovermeandslideme
underhim.Hismuscularbodycoversminewhilehetakesituponhimselftotrailkissesdownmyneck.
“Idon’thavetosayanything.Mmmm,fuckingtasty.”Hislittleniponmyskinistotemptmeinto
havingsexwithhimagain.Betweenthetwoofthem,I’mneveralone.Eventhoughtheygavememyown
room.
Itwastheirwayofallowingmemyspace.Igetmyroom,ahugebedandIgettoinvitewhoeverI
wanteachnight.NohardfeelingsifIchosetospendtimewithoneofthematatimeorbringthembothin.
Ijustmadeiteasyonmyselfandtoldthembothtocomeinhereeverynight.It’slessstressonme
andI’mlearningthatthetwoofthemareworkingitoutsothattheygettheironeononetimewithme.
It’sawinwinsituationforme.
“Where’sthispartytonight?”NoahwalksinandLevidoesn’tstophishandfromslidingundermy
t-shirt.
“AttheWardMansion.”LevihastoworksecurityandI’vebeenhiredtobartend.Noahnotices
whatLeviisdoingtome,sohemovestothebedquickly.
Levi’shandslidesundermypanties,causingmetogaspwithhisintrusion.“Ah,fuck.”Hisfingers
godeep,kissingmyG-spotperfectlyeachtimehemoves.Ishiftandsquirmintoafrenzyofsensations,
especiallywhenNoahslidesinnexttome,pullingmymouthtowardshis.Hekissesmehard,swallowing
mymoanswhileIridethroughabodyquiveringorgasm.OnethatI’vegrownaccustomedto.
“Iloveyou,Kali,”LeviwhispersagainstmyneckasNoahfinishesourkissandIbegintocome
downfrommyhigh.
“Iloveyou,too.”It’ssomethinghesaystomeoftennow.Somethinghedidn’tsayuntiltheycame
upwiththeideatoshareme,butsomethingIknewhefeltlongbefore.
“Ithinkyou’reallright,too.”Noahmakesmesmileasheteases.Healsotellsmeoften.There’sno
shortageofloveinthishouseandit’squicklybecomeaplaceIfeelathomein.
Idon’tknowwhyIeverthoughtIcouldleaveeitheroneofthem.ThedarknessIfeltwhenIleft
wasdeafeningandsomethingIwould’veneverrecoveredfrom.I’mdestinedtobewithNoahandLevi.
Lookingback,itwasobviouslongago.
Itmaybeconsideredtabootosome,butI’veneverworriedaboutwhatothersthinkofme.Ilove
myguys.Ilovemylifeandwhatit’sbecomenowthatI’vetakenthisleapoffaithandfollowedlove.Who
wouldn’twanttwomencherishingthemlikethesetwodome?
I’msafe.I’mhappy.I’mloved.Whatmorecouldagirlaskfor?
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