sip045

Roll of the Dice

By Stevie Woods

I’d rolled the dice and lost, though not in the way I expected. I hoped -- more, I really
believed -- Matt loved me and that he only needed to admit it to himself and then to me. I
hadn't thought that he'd always accepted it but simply refused to allow free rein to his
feelings, or even to consider mine.

I was angry and terribly disappointed that it seemed so easy for Matt to put his career before
his feelings. To me there was nothing more important than love. I would never have put my
career before the man I love, the man I had lost before I ever really had him. That thought
made me both angry and sad.

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I needed to stop thinking about this, it wasn't helping; nothing could.  All I was doing was
churning up my emotions.  I had to accept it and move on.  I just didn't know how; I’d carried
this dream with me for so long and now it was gone.  Still, I was determined not to sit around
and mourn.

I’d shed a few tears of angry frustration when I first arrived home yesterday evening. I spent
a couple of hours trying to decide what had gone wrong, but deep down I knew it wasn't my
problem, it was Matt's. I finally fell asleep, but it was troubled by dreams and I awoke very
early this morning still feeling confused and upset.

I couldn't face staying in bed any longer and got up. I took a quick shower and then went to
the kitchen for some coffee. I made myself some toast, but couldn't eat it. I felt sick to my
stomach.

I took my coffee through to the living room and sat on the sofa. I had to make a decision.
The reason I’d plucked up the courage to put my cards on the table with Matt was that I
nursed my desire long enough, it was time to go after what I wanted. I didn’t want to be on
my own any longer, and why should I have to be when I was in love and I was pretty sure it
was returned.

I’d been hurt once, seemed a lifetime ago now, but for a long time my work had been enough.
As time passed I came to realize that I wanted more. I wanted someone special to come
home to and relax with, to share my life, my heart and my soul with. I wanted Matt! Damn!

Now I knew that couldn't be. I closed my eyes and let the sigh escape. I should’ve known
better, life rarely gave you what you wanted.

I was angry with myself for being weak, for needing someone to lean on. I’d always been
something of a loner, never been much of a mixer, but gradually I’d realized just how sterile
my life was, how much I had to give. Finally, I had realized the truth, I needed to be needed.
Was that really a weakness?

I stood up and went to stare in the mirror, looking at my reflection, looking into my eyes.  I
had to make a choice.  It wasn't a choice I wanted but that was no longer in my hands.  I
wasn't going to share my life with Matt, and, if I didn't want to be a lonely, bitter old man, I
needed to move on and find someone else.  If I couldn't have the one person I wanted then I
would just have to settle for second-best.

I stared at myself, trying to see what others might see.  I guessed I was reasonably good
looking, I had overheard enough to know some found me attractive, of course that was
women and I was interested in men.  Had thought of myself as bi at one time, but I no longer
found women attractive.  Accepting I was in love with Matt had soured women for me.  I
wanted a guy.  I wanted the freedom that sex with another man gave me.  It was so much
easier to really let go with a man and I wanted, needed a physical relationship.

God, what would it have been like to be loved by Matt?

I'd had so many fantasies about making love with Matt, and that was always what it was
when I thought about him. It was never just about the sex, never about fucking, not with

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Matt. I had to be strong, forget about him because that was never going to happen. I sighed
and leaned my head on the back of the sofa; I couldn't allow the tears to fall.

I got more coffee and checked the time. I would have to leave in another hour to go to work.
I would have to face Matt. I so wasn’t ready for that.

I couldn't think about this any longer. I'd go to work; maybe I could decide then what to do.

***

The elevator doors opened and I found myself confronted by Walt, the last person I wanted to
see. He was my oldest friend, and he knew me too well.

"Morning, Walt," I said and quickly tried to pass him on the way to my office.

"Is something wrong, Kyle?"

"No, whatever gives you that idea?" I said. Damn, even I could hear the falseness of my
words. Walt just raised an eyebrow, so much for that lie. "Please Walt, just leave it."

He looked at me, long and hard. "No, I can’t just leave it. It’s pretty obvious something’s
wrong. It’ll help to talk."

That was always Walt’s opinion; he thought talking could solve every problem.

"Not this time, there’s nothing to discuss," I said. I tried to sound firm and decisive, but my
voice shook because I kept seeing Matt's eyes as he told me he loved me but not enough to
risk his career; sad, but determined. God that still hurt.

"You don’t lie well, Kyle."

I didn’t answer him, just shrugged and moved on. I could feel his eyes on me, even after I
closed the door to my office.

It turned out I didn’t see Matt after all, he was locked away in one of his high-level meetings
all day. I wasn’t sure how I felt, relieved that I hadn’t had to face him, or frustrated because I
wanted to put that hurdle behind me. At least knowing I wouldn’t see him gave me time to
think over what to do next.

***

I entered the bar and looked around.  I had done a fair bit of on-line research and picked this
place because I liked the name and it had been here for a while, whereas some of the other
queer-friendly places seemed to come and go.  The Orange Hanky wasn't exactly what I'd
been expecting; it was quieter and more subdued, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I felt out of
place as it was, but the atmosphere helped me relax.

There was a long bar with two bartenders, both of whom were busy serving customers. The
seating at the counter was mostly full so I looked around and saw that, beyond the small

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central dance floor where a few couples were dancing, there were some booths along the back
wall. I decided I would be more comfortable there where I could observe what was going on.

It was quite a few years since I had frequented a gay bar and I expected things had changed
somewhat in the intervening years. Watching the men dancing together in each other's arms
was erotic, hands smoothing over backs and down to buttocks as they moved. I wanted to
know what it would feel like to have a man's hands on me again.

A waiter came over then to take my order and, as I lifted my eyes to look at him, he gave me
a friendly smile. "First time here eh?" I nodded and he continued, "I thought so. I'd
remember someone who looked like you."

I flushed at the compliment -- overheard comments were one thing but I was not used to
flattery, not to my face certainly.

Distracted, I said something to him, but after he’d gone I couldn’t for the life of me say what
it was. At least not until he returned a couple of minutes later with the whiskey and lime I
must have unconsciously ordered.

Matt’s drink.  I couldn't escape from him even when I wanted to.  Then the unbidden thought
came, did I really want to?  Wasn't it that I still hoped he would change his mind?  I brushed
those painful thoughts away.  Matt had given me his answer and I had chosen another path
now.

As if in answer to that thought, a voice disturbed my reverie.

"Can I buy you another drink?"

I looked up to a see a man smiling at me. I had certainly never seen him before, and I
allowed myself a few moments to study him before I answered. He obviously knew what I
was doing as he stood calmly and returned my perusal.

"Okay," I finally said returning his most attractive smile, "but I'll have something different
this time I think. Oh, and my name is Kyle."

"Hi, pleased to meet you. I'm Alan. You don't like that?" he asked, indicating my glass, as he
slid into the seat opposite me.

"It's not that. Let's just say it has associations."

"Ah, I see. Had a break up, is that it?" he asked sympathetically.

"No, more like couldn't get past the starting gate." I was surprised that I didn't mind
answering him.  I was usually much more reticent than that, perhaps because he was a
stranger?  I took it as a good sign and I settled back to get to know Alan better.  I had already
decided I liked his grey eyes, so different from Matt.  Damn, I had to stop thinking of
everything in terms of Matt!

Three drinks later we were getting on well. I liked his dry sense of humor. He was an
engineer and I told him I was in research, but that it was classified. He took the hint. He

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looked curious, but quickly changed the subject. He said he liked to travel and we traded
stories about the places we’d visited. I was a little surprised to find myself thinking about
what would be no more than a fling with this man. Physically he was very appealing, tall
with a pretty interesting body, not as toned as some I knew, but he was trim and long of leg,
which I liked.

As I was telling him about my visit to South America, he reached out and laid his hand over
my mine on the table.  For a moment I stopped talking and just stared at his hand as he gently
caressed the back of mine.  I lifted my eyes to his, and he smiled again and asked me to carry
on, he liked the sound of my voice.  I turned my hand over so we were palm to palm and he
slowly slid his against mine and I found my voice petered out as my mouth became dry.

I almost jumped when I heard my name spoken in a deep voice I recognized and I looked up
in shock to see Matt standing next to me.

"Kyle, we need to talk," he said quietly, his eyes fully on me.

"Matt?" I gasped. “How did you find me?” Here of all places, I wanted to say but my
tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth.

"Please, it’s important," he said and this time he turned his gaze on Alan. “It can’t wait.”

Alan looked up at Matt who was staring at him with that look he gave to the new employees,
making the most self-assured graduate feel about ten years old. Alan didn't seem fazed in the
least. "He's busy talking to me right now, perhaps you could see him later," he said calmly,
making a point of openly caressing my hand.

Eyes caught by the caress which I wasn’t pulling away from, Matt repeated, “Please, Kyle,
please.” Just that, nothing else. I knew what it cost him to beg like that; I could hear it in his
voice. He raised his eyes to me then and I saw it there too.

Still, my immediate reaction was to tell him to go to hell.  The words were almost out but
somehow…  The very fact that he had tracked me down to a gay bar because he couldn’t wait
to talk to me?  And how the hell did he know where to find me?  I had to know what was that
important he had to tell me immediately.

I turned to Alan and smiled contritely, "I’m sorry, but this is important and I have to go.
Perhaps we can meet up again?" I had no intention of burning my bridges with Alan if I
could help it. I wanted to believe that Matt needed to talk about us, but I had no real evidence
for that.

Alan frowned at Matt, but smiled at me, reaching into his wallet and bringing out a small
white card, he said, "Okay, here's my card. Give me a call. I come in here a couple of times
a week."

I took his card and slipped it into my pocket. "Sorry I don't have a card to give you." Matt
touched my sleeve and I frowned at him before saying to Alan, "I'll be in touch."

***

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I followed Matt outside, to his car parked in the lot. He opened the passenger door, giving
me a long look before he walked around and got behind the wheel. I climbed in beside him.

“What’s so important, Matt?” I asked, my tone not particularly friendly. I didn’t intend to
give him an inch. “I was making a new friend in there; it better be worth risking that.”

“I wanted to see you earlier, but I couldn’t get out of that damned meeting. I…I wanted to
apologize. To…to explain.”

“I think you explained your position pretty well last night,” I interrupted harshly.

“No, damn it,” he retorted, before taking a breath. When he began again, his voice was
calmer. “I was a fool last night; I know that. You caught me unawares, Kyle. I’d thought I’d
hidden my feelings well, that you didn’t know, that you’d given up on me and…I panicked,”
he ended with a sigh.

“You? Panicked?” I stared at him. Matt was the most self-assured guy I’d ever met.

“What I told you was how I felt, how I saw my career.  I’d never allow anything to interfere
with it.”  He laughed, but there was no humor in it.  “I swallowed my own bullshit.”  He
finally looked at me and I saw something in his eyes I’d never seen before.  He looked
embarrassed.  “I spent most of the night looking at my life, judging what I had achieved
against what it meant to me, what it really meant and I saw just how barren my life is.  And
the moment the one thing I really wanted, the one person who gave my life any real meaning,
offered me everything on a plate, I refused.  Like I said, I was a fool.”  Matt shrugged. “Well,
now I know what’s important and what isn’t.  If they don’t want me because I’m living with
another man, then fuck ‘em!”

He stared at me, as if waiting for me to say something.  To agree, or perhaps to remonstrate
with him.  My heart was thudding in my chest, but I said nothing.  I had said all I had to last
night, now it was his turn.  He nodded, as if reading my thoughts.

“Is it too late to ask for a second chance?” Matt asked intently. “Do you still want me, ‘cause
God, I want you.” He held my gaze, letting me see everything, his sorrow, his hope.

I smiled, rejoicing that I hadn’t been wrong after all. I leaned forward and briefly brushed
my lips against his. Matt leaned forward as if to continue the kiss, but I put a hand to his
chest.

“You meant that? About living with another guy?”

“Ah, sorta jumped the gun there,” Matt was actually blushing, “but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” I grinned. “If you’re any good in the sack, I might take you up on it.”

“If? I’ll show you good,” he growled. “You won’t be able to walk tomorrow.”

“You’re taking a lot for granted,” I said, still smiling.

Matt grinned back at me and then abruptly he said, “That guy’s card? You gonna chuck it?”

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“Depends how I feel tomorrow,” I laughed. Then my grin faded as I saw the look in his eyes,
I realized he was deadly serious about that. “I want to continue this somewhere more
comfortable,” I added.

“My place is nearest,” Matt said breathlessly.

I smiled again. “You got supplies?”

***

It started out okay, if slightly odd; we’d spent many evenings at Matt’s before, just as friends.
This was different, and we didn’t know how to act. Matt got us both a drink and we sat side
by side on the sofa, sipping, trying to relax in our new situation.

Then I remembered. “How on earth did you know where to find me?” I asked.

“Ah,” he said, looking sheepish.  Another new look for him.  “I went to your office hoping to
catch you before you left.  You’d gone so I went to see Walt, figured if anyone knew it would
be Walt.  So I asked if you were okay,  He gave me an odd look and said ‘no’.  Said you’d
left early; he popped in and you were packing up for the day.  Then just as I was leaving, he
said I should try The Orange Hanky.”

“How the hell did Walt know? I never said anything.”

“He saw the website before you shut it down,” Matt said softly.  I glanced up at the tone of
his voice.  “When I saw you at the table with that guy…Damn that was hard, to watch the
way he touched you, and you…”  He stopped suddenly.

“And I?”

“You liked it, damn it! I–“

“And what if I did? It was no business of yours.” I got to my feet.

“It didn’t take you long to go out looking for someone else did it?” Matt declared angrily.

“And why shouldn’t I? I–“

Whatever else I might have said was swallowed as Matt yanked me to him and took my
mouth.  I probably should’ve been furious with him, but instead my heart soared over his
obsessive need.  I couldn't help but moan at the overwhelming passion engulfing my body as
Matt moved his lips over mine and he pushed his body against me.  All at once he shoved me,
and I was falling to land on my back on the sofa, Matt following me down, and as I gasped
with surprise at his sudden action, Matt stuck his tongue inside as far as he could.

Joy flowing through me, I welcomed his kiss, giving back as good as I got, and good it was.
Matt was a fantastic kisser. I couldn't help but squirm underneath a very aroused Matt
holding me down, grinding his hips against me. His erection was rock hard, and he was
rubbing against my own full erection, a sweet torture against my now restrictive clothing.

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By now his hands had moved from my shoulders and they seemed to be everywhere, my
chest, my flanks, my arms.  I reciprocated as best as I could, but my right arm was trapped
against the back of the sofa.  I stroked along his spine with my left hand, only to gasp in
shock as he suddenly ripped my shirt apart, scattering buttons far and wide.  He released my
mouth and swooped down to kiss and nip first one nipple and then the other.  Sensation
bursting through me, I moaned and groaned, not sure what on earth I was saying, if it was
even words, but who the hell cared?  He was thrusting against me, pushing me down into the
cushions of the sofa, and I lifted my hips to increase the contact.

I was so hard, throbbing with need as I surged against him, calling his name as I grasped him
to me, shoving up his tee as I dug my fingers deep into his back. He licked and nipped over
my chest and up towards my neck where he kissed and sucked my skin. Everywhere he
touched, fire trailed along my nerves, and I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins,
hammering in my head, making me feel dizzy and light-headed.

As he rolled his hips making our cocks rub against each other, he suddenly stopped kissing
my neck and bit down hard. He lifted his head and growled, "Mine, mine damn you!”

I felt his cock pulse against me as he came hard, and it was all I needed to cause my own
release to shoot out of me, coating my boxers and pants.

I moaned his name as I came, tucking my head under his chin as he shuddered from his own
orgasm.

"Oh God, Kyle, God," he muttered as he kissed my hair.

I murmured his name among other endearments, my breath ghosting over his neck and
caressing his ear.

Slowly he turned us so we were on our sides facing each other and looked at me, a question
in his eyes, eyes that suddenly looked sad.

"Matt?" I asked, reaching up to caress his cheek.

He sighed and said, "Oh God, I really screwed up didn't I? I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what? That was fantastic. Haven't done that since college," I laughed looking
down at the wet spot on my pants.

"Yeah," he grinned ruefully, "but that wasn't what I wanted for our first time."  I frowned and
would have said something but he placed a finger across my lips.  "I let my jealousy get to
me,” he admitted ruefully.  “You would never even have gone to that damned bar if I
hadn't...What the hell you see in me, I'll never know."

One day I would tell him what I saw in him, but I knew now wasn't the time, I had to let him
get this off his chest.

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“God, don't you think I’ve wanted to be with you? It's all I thought about.” Matt moved
closer to me so our bodies touched everywhere they possibly could. "I've jerked off to
fantasies of you."

My eyes widened and I felt my face heat up as I smiled. "Err, me too. Can we compare
notes some time? Maybe try a few?"

Matt laughed, "Oh yeah!"

"Can we get out of these clothes?" I grinned. "Do this properly?"

He tugged at the remains of my shirt, and I released him to let him pull it from me. In a
remarkably short time we were both naked and lying in each other's arms as we kissed and
caressed and moved against each other.

"Let's take this to the bedroom," Matt said.

"Maybe the bathroom," I answered, eyes wide and innocent. Matt just looked suspicious.

"The bathroom?"

"One of my favorite fantasies," I explained.

"Oh?" Matt grinned.

"Oh yeah, I guess I have a thing for shower sex," I shrugged.

Matt’s eyes went wide; I had his interest, so I thought I’d give him a taste.

"It's early morning, not long after dawn.  We’ve have just spent the night making mad
passionate love to each other and you’re exhausted.”  I could hear the huskiness in my own
voice; I was so damned turned on.  "I tell you not to worry 'cause I love the idea of washing
you.  You're in the shower with your back to me leaning against the tiles, supported by your
hands.  I soap up the sponge -- has to be a real sponge not one of those synthetic things."

By now Matt’s eyes had darkened and his cheeks had flushed.

"The water is pounding on your shoulders, running down your back and over your buttocks.
I soap you up using long strokes, reaching around to move across your chest and you moan as
I circle your nipples. I move lower over your stomach, and you drop your head. I can't see
your face, but I just know your eyes will be closed. I purposely ignore your cock which I
know is throbbing with need."

I spared a quick glance at his cock. Oh, my!

"I can't help it, I drop the sponge and use my soapy hands on your back as I move slowly
down your spine, following my hands with my lips, kissing each little knot as I work my way
down until I finally stroke along your cleft, pushing my fingers inside your already loose
opening."

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"Oh, I'm loose eh?" Matt asked huskily, his hot breath so close to my ear that I gasped.

Breathlessly now I went on, "Oh yeah, share and share alike, that's my idea of a relationship.
We'd had quite the night!" I nibbled the side of Matt’s neck and he arched into me. "By now
you were ready for me and I told you to spread your legs. You never said a word but you
shuddered under my hands and I was so desperate for you that I took you in one stroke, going
so deep..."

"Oh, God Kyle, God...stop talking about it, let's go and do it!"

***

I watched as the sun finally came up, creeping around the drapes in Matt's bedroom to paint
patterns across the bed and the floor.

I lifted my head from where it lay on his shoulder and looked at the peaceful expression on
his sleeping face. I carefully got out of bed, found my jacket and dug out Alan’s card. I tore
it into four pieces and put them on the bedside table next to Matt. It would be the first thing
he saw when he awoke.

I lay back down and squirmed a little to get as close as I could, and, even in his sleep, Matt
tightened his arms about me. I had never felt this content, and I allowed myself to drift on
the memories of the wonderful night we had just spent, both under the shower and in the bed.
I couldn't help the grin that spread over my face.

This was only the beginning.

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Roll of the Dice

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Torquere Press, Inc.: Sips electronic edition / January 2008

Torquere Press eBooks are published by Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock,
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