Just…Friends
BendingtheRules3
A.M.Wray
TableofContents
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
OTHERWORKbyA.M.Wrayandherotherpenname,CandyCrum.
***A.M.WRAY***
BendingtheRulesSeries(NARomance)
Rebound
Honor
Just…Friends
------BendingtheRulesBoxedSet(Book1-3)(2/21/17)
BTRBook4(Releasing3/28/17)
PhobiaSeries(YADystopian)
Phobia(Releases2/21/17)
-
PRE-ORDERAVAILABLENOW(Coverandblurbattheendofthisbook!)
STANDALONENOVELS(notinaseries)
ThisMeansWar(NARomance)
Karma’saBitch(COMEDY)(Releases3/7/17)
-
Coverattheendofthisbook!!
***CANDYCRUM***
TheEternalSeries(ActionParanormalRomance)
TheEternalGift1
EternallyForsaken1.5
TheEternalEcho2
EternallyBound2.5
TheFatedSeries(YAFantasy)
RisefromtheAshes
TimeofDeathSeries(ParanormalAdultThriller/Romance)
13:17
Wrath(Releases2/14/17)
-
PRE-ORDERAVAILABLENOW(Coverandblurbattheendofthisbook!)
STANDALONENOVELS(notinaseries)
Leanonme(YADramaticRomance)
IntotheNether(HorrorShort)
Blessed.Itwasapowerfulword,andoneI’dalwaysbeen
gratefulfor.I’dalwaysconsideredmyselftobeveryblessed,bothinfamily
andinthemanyintangiblegiftsthatI’dbeengiven.Mylifehadalways
beenfull.Tobecompletelyhonest,Ineverhadtoworksuperhardfor
things.ItwasbecauseofthatluckygiftthatIdrovemyselftohelpothers
alongtheway.Ihadamazingfriends,ElizabethMartininparticular,a
wonderfulfamily,andahusbandthatIcouldn’tgetenoughof.Iwanted
fornothing.
Nearlythreeyearsago,Igotmyfirsttasteofwhatreallifecould
belike.Iwasagrownup.Ididn’thavemyunruly,childishfriendsbymy
sidetogobeatsomeoneupforme.Myprettyfaceandathleticability
wasn’tscoringmemetaphoricalpointsanymoreliketheyhadinhigh
school.Ididn’thavedrinkingeverynightafterclassincollegetoturnto
anymore,either.Iwasanadult.Iwasinmymid-twenties.Iwasmarried,
andmyhusbandhadbeencheatingonme.
I’dmanagedtogothroughlongdaysandnightsinschool,
clinicals,internships,andanyothertrainingthatIsawfit,orthatwas
requiredformydegree.IwantedtobeaNursePractitioner.Ibecamea
NursePractitioner.Iworkedveryhardtomakesurethatmyhusbandcould
onedaydowhathewantedtodo:workfromhome.
LittledidIknow,whileIwasatwork,hewashavinganaffair
withagirlthatheworkedwith.Foralongtime,Ibeggedhimtoquithis
jobandpursuehisdreams.HerefusedandIcouldn’tunderstandwhy.I
keptgettingabadfeeling,butIletitgo.Ilovedhimsomuch.Icouldn’t
believeforaninstantthathewouldeverdosomethinglikethattome,not
afterallwe’dbeenthroughtogetherandallI’ddonetomakehisdreams
cometrue.
AsIsaidbefore…Afterallthoseyears,Ifinallygotatasteof
whatreallifewaslike.Itwasthemostmiserablemomentofmylife.I
foundmyselfenvyingthosewithnormallivesandnormalproblems,justas
theywouldenvymineforhavingsuchgoodluck.Thegrassisalways
greener,I’dalwaysheard.Thatsayingisverytrue.Elizabethlearnedthat
rightalongwithme.
She’dalwaysjokedaboutbeingjealousthatthingsseemedto
alwaysgowellforme,andI’dsmile,notknowinghowtorespond.I
watchedhergothroughhelloftenandthereIwaswithalltheluck.Then
werealizedthatgoingthroughlifeaseasyasIhaddoesn’tallowyouto
prepare.Itdoesn’tteachyouanythingatall.Leastofall,howtodealwith
pain.Whenithitsyouforthefirsttime,it’slikedying.There’snowayto
knowhowtoprocessanything,anditleavesyouterriblyconfusedand
overwhelmedbythesuffering.
Ineverwouldhavefoundoutthetruthhaditnotbeenfor
Elizabeth.Shecaughtonthatthenameofapatientofminematchedthatof
thewomanmyhusbandwasalwaystalkingaboutatwork.Theveryone
thatalwaysgavemechills.I’dgivenheraprescriptiontotreatanSTD.In
fact,I’dgivenhertwo.Oneforherself,theotherforherlover.Isoonfound
thesecondbottleinmyhusband’sdrawer.Tuckedawayandhiddeninside
ofarolled-uppairofsocks.Ithadhernameonthebottlerightalongside
mineastheprescriber.
Becauseofeverythingthathadhappened,IpromisedmyselfthatI
wouldneverallowanyonetohavethatmuchholdovermeeveragain.I’m
surethatIsoundalotlikeElizabethhad,butitwasshethatsoundedalot
likeIdid.It’seasytoallowthattohappen.That’swhyIrefusedtolether
bringherselfdownwithit.Onceyou’reinthehabitofkeepingawallbuilt,
it’salmostimpossibletoletbackdown.
Duringthattime,IfocusedonmyselfandIrebuiltmylife.
Elizabethneverleftmyside.ShewastheonlypersonintheworldthatI’d
allowmyselftocarefor,untilthatgorgeousbabyofherscamealong
anyway.Hunterisincrediblyprecious.He’stheonlylittlemanforme.
Well,whenIactuallygettoseehim.
ElizabethandJaxmovedtoFortWaynetobewithDesireeduring
herpregnancy.Igetit.AfterallDesireehadbeenthrough,I’dhavemade
thesamedecision.I’dmetAiden.Heseemedlikeagreatguy.Italso
seemedlikehecouldn’tgetenoughofher,whichIloved.Iwasveryhappy
forallofthem,butthatleftmealone.Alex,Jax’sbrother,wasalsoleft
behind,sowe’dkindofstucktogether.We’dbecomebestbros.It’sbeen
nicetohaveapuresoultoturntoagain,thoughhe’sabitsweetonme.
Thatcomplicatesthingsalittle,butheknowsmyboundariesandhe’sbeen
veryunderstanding.
Weweregoingoutwithafewofhisfriendsthatnight,soIwas
justfinishingupgettingready.I’drecentlydyedmyhairamedium-dark
blonde.Iwasn’tquitesureifIlikedit,buteveryoneatworkseemedto.I’d
dyedmyhairsomanytimesinthepastfewyears,Icouldn’tremember
whatmynaturalhaircolorwasanymore.Ithadgottenfartoolong,soI
decidedtocutitoff.Bigmistake.Almostimmediatelyaftercuttingit,I
rememberedthatIhatedhavingshorthair.ThankGodforhairextensions.
I’dgottenverywellacquaintedwiththem.
“Andi?”
IheardAlex’svoicecallingfromthelivingroom.
“Yeah!”Icalledback.“I’mjustfinishingupinhere.”
Iheardhisfootstepsfallingashewalkedintomyroom.My
bathroomdoorwasopen,butIdidn’tmindsinceIwasonlydoingmakeup.
“Whydoyoumesswithallthatstuff?”heasked.“Imean…I
knowgirlslikeitandall.Mostofthemthinktheyneedit,butyoudon’t.
Notonlyareyoubeautifulwithoutit,butyou’rejustgoingoutwiththe
guys.You’vemadeitabundantlyclearyou’rejustoneofus.Youdon’t
havetoimpressus.”
Ismiled.“JustlikeamantothinkthatI’mdoingthisforyou.”
Helaughed.“Oh,Iholdnodelusionsofthat.YouknowwhatI
meant.”
“I’mjustpicking.Idoknowwhatyoumeant.Thankyouforthe
compliment,butIreallydoitjustforme.Firstofall,I’vealwayslike
dressingupandputtingmakeupon.Ididn’thavethetimetoforquitea
longtimewithschoolandwork.”Ilaughed.“Probablywhymyex-
husband…”
“AH!No.Don’tsayit.Youneedtostopcrackingjokeslikethat.I
knowyoudoitbecauseyou’reuncomfortabletalkingaboutyourself.You
hateanythingrequiringconfidence.”
“Oh,shutup.Itrynotto.Itjustpopsoutsometimes,”Isaid.
Hewasright.Ididn’thavealotofconfidence,butIalsodidn’t
care.Iwasconfidentaboutnotfeelingconfident.Howmanytimescanyou
sayconfidentbeforeitdoesn’tsoundlikearealwordanymore?
Tobehonest,Ididn’tcarewhatothersthought.Well,forthemost
part.Anyonewhosaystheydon’tcarewhatanyoneelsethinksactually
does.Theydoalot.Therejustmaybesomethingstheydon’tcareabout.
Youdon’tlikewhattheydoforaliving?Doesn’tmatter.Theyloveit.You
don’tcaremuchfortheclothestheywear?Theydon’tgiveadamn.Those
aresomesupercomfortableclothes.Ifyouweretoquestionthemasa
person,however,theywouldcarequitealotandsodidI.
Elizabethalwaysmistookmylackofcaringforover-confidence.It
wasmostlybecauseIwasaninsatiableflirt,andIalwaystriedtobeagood
wingmanforher.Ididn’tflirtformyself,onlyforothers.Iwasperfectly
finetryingtofinddatesforotherpeople.Ithadcertainlyworkedinfavorof
ElizabethandJax.Ipickonherallthetimeaboutit.
Alexstoodbehindme,lookingatmeinthereflectionofthe
mirrorandIdidthesametolookathim.Hewasbeautiful.Irememberthe
daythatImethimandhistwinbrother,Jax.Theywerebothstunning,but
I’dalwayslikedAlex.Jaxwastheperfectgentleman,thoughElizabethsaid
hewasquitewildinbed.Alexwasabitwilderatheart.Hewasstilljustas
kindandrespectful,butheknewhowtohaveagoodtime.
Hewasdark-haired,dark-eyed,anddarkcomplected,justlikehis
brother,thoughtheylookedverydifferent.Alexwasabitshorterthanhim,
too.Ilikedit.He’dalwaysbeenbuiltnicely,butgoingthroughthepolice
academyhadmadehimevenbigger.He’dtakenitveryseriouslyandwasin
thegymeveryday.Iadmiredthededication.
“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”Alexasked.
Ijumpedalittle,realizingatthatmomentthatI’dbeenstaring.
Ishrugged.“Justwatchingyouwatchme,Iguess.Youwere
staringfirst.”
Hesmiled.“Iwasbored.What’syourexcuse?”
Ithrewasoftelbow.“Youliar.Getoutofhere.I’llbedoneinten
minutes.”
“Okay.So,like…forty-five?”hesaid.
Irolledmyeyesandshookmyhead,continuingmywork.Alex
madehimselfcomfortableonmybed,watchingTVashewaited.OnceI’d
finished,weheadedtoJack’sPub.Ithadgrownquiteabitandthebuilding
hadevenbeentorndownandrebuilttoreflectthat.Thoughthename
hadn’tchanged,theatmospherecertainlyhad.Itwentfrombeinga
standardbartoalargesportsbarandgrill.Ithadgreatfoodandamazing
drinks.Thegirlsbehindthecounterknewexactlyhowtomixadrink.
“Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”Alexasked.
“Abeerwouldbefinewithme.Surprisemeonthekind.I’mnot
picky,”Ireplied.
“Iwouldn’ttrustit,”Rocky,oneofAlex’sclosefriendssaid.“It’s
abitrisky,”
Ilaughed.“Icanunderstandwhyyou’dthinkso,butI’mreally
notpicky!”
IsatatthetablewithRockyandJack.Jackhadpickedthevenue
forourlittlegettogether,whichImadesuretoribhimon,giventhename.
Jack’swasJack’sfavoriteplacetogo.RockyhadbeenfriendswithAlex
sincetheywereyoung,buttheywentthroughthepoliceacademytogether
andmetJack.
“I’mgladwemadeitbeforethegame,”Isaid.
“Yeah,”Alexchimedin,settingmybeerdowninfrontofme.It
wasabrewfromalocalbrewery.Ilovedtryingnewflavorsfromthearea.
“Wealmostdidn’t.”
Iturnedinhisdirection.“Theygothereafterus,youturd.”
Hesmiled.“Oh,yeah.”
“He’sworsethanawoman,”Jacksaid.
Ilaughed.“Hereallyis!It’stimetoplacebets,boys.”
Wecontinuedtojokeaswetookturnsplacingbetsontheteam
wehadthemostfaithin.I’dnevermindedsports,butIcertainlywasn’t
intothemlikeI’dbecomemorerecently.Somehow,I’ddevelopedalovefor
it.Itcouldhavebeentheguysandtheirenergy,oritcouldhavebeenthatI
simplyfoundanewloveforit.Eitherway,wealwayshadalotoffun.
“So,whenisJaxgettingmarriedagain?”Rockyasked.
“Sixweeks,”Ireplied.
“Damn.That’snotverylongatall,”Rockysaid.
“Notatall.Ithasn’tbeenaverylongengagement,butshe’s
perfect,”Alexsaid.“Whenyougetagirllikethatandshegivesyoua
perfectlittleboy,youdon’twastetimeonthatshit.”
ItwarmedmyhearthowhespokeofElizabeth.Alexalready
consideredherasister,andIlovedit.
“Istillhavealotofworktodo,”Isaid.“I’mmakingallofthe
bridesmaids’dresses.Eachonetakesforeverbecauseofallthetinylittle
details.Elizabethneverasksformuch,sowhenshegavemealistof
specifics,Imadedamnsuretogetitallright.”
“Whatareyouguysdoingforthebachelorandbachelorette
parties?That’swhatwereallyneedtoknow,”Jackasked.
Ofcourse,that’swhathe’dbemostinterestedin.
“Wearekickingafewthingsaround,”Alexsaid.“Neitheroneof
themwantsanythingspecial,butIthinkweshouldmakeitspecial
anyway.”
“Hey!”
AmanstumbledupbehindAlexandputhisarmaroundAlex’s
shoulders.Hewascompletelywasted,swayingallover.Hewasmiddle-
agedwithaproperhaircut,thoughthegreyingauburnhairwasamessat
thatmoment.Hehadabitofweightinthemiddle,buthisbodylooked
veryleanelsewherebycomparison.Iimaginedthatitwasalcoholthatwas
theculpritforthatone.
“Hey!”Alexsaid,smilingonceherecognizedthemanwhohad
placedhisarmaroundAlex’sshoulder.“Howareyou,man?”
“I’mgood,good.Iwasjustwondering…Doyourealizeyou’reat
atableconsistingofthreedudesandyou’retalkingaboutweddings?”
Alexlaughed.“It’smybrother!He’sgettingmarried!”
Theman’seyeswidened.“You’vegottabekiddingme!Wait,it’s
notthatone,isit?”Hisfacecrinkledindisgust.Iassumedhewastalking
abouttheexofJax’sthatElizabethtoldmeabout.Theonethathad
screwedKevin,herex-boyfriend,inthetheatrebathroom.
“Hell,no,”Alexreplied.“He’smarryingagreatgirl.We’rejust
talkingaboutthespecifics.”
“Likethebachelorparty?”themansaidwithadevioussmile.
“Becausethatisaprettybigandprettyimportantspecific.”
Thetwotookafewtocatchup,andIfoundmyselfwondering
whothehellhewas.Heseemedlikeaniceguy,butcertainlyhadnoissue
withbeingtotallytrashedandembarrassinghimselfinfrontofanentire
restaurantfullofpeople.
Whenheleft,Alextoldusthatwastheirbasketballcoachintheir
senioryearofhighschool.He’dhadaroughtimeinthelastfewyearsand
starteddrinking,buthewasstillafundrunk.Hejustlikedtogetwasted
andhangoutwithpeople,apparently.
“Hey,”Alexsaidduringhalf-time.“Theguyskindamademe
thinkaboutthiswholepartything.Wereallyshoulddosomethinggreatfor
them.Wouldyouwanttogosomewhereelseafterthisandplan?I’m
starving,butI’mnotinthemoodforanythingfried.”
Ithoughtaboutitforamoment.IhadsomethingsthatIwantedto
getdone,butIcouldalwaysusemoretimeoutofthehouse.Iworkedso
muchthatIhadtwohomes:thehospitalandmyveryneglectedhouse.
“Sure,”Isaid.“Thatsoundsgood.IguessI’llstopeyeballing
thesecheesesticks,then.Shamebecausetheylookamazing.”
“I’lltakeyousomewherewithevenbettercheesesticks,ifyou
want,”hesaid.“Ijustdon’twantanythingfried.I’mfried-foodedout.”
“Fried-foodedout?”Ilaughed.“Okay,then.Soliddeal.”
Turnsout,Iknewhowtopick‘em.Myteamwon,whichmeantthatAlexhadtobuymefood.
Thatworkedoutgreatforhim,consideringourplansfortheevening.Isay,“itworkedoutgreatforhim,”
becauseIknewthatwhenwewentout,he’doffertopayandanargumentwouldensuewhenIdeclinedto
lethimdoso,likeIalwaysdid.Ourlittlebetgavehimwhathe’dinevitablywanttodo,butforcedmeto
giveupmyreservationaboutit.
Therestaurantwaspacked,whichpromptedustoorderourstogo.We’doriginallywantedtogo
inandsitdown,butneitheroneofusfeltlikebeingaroundalotofpeopleanylongerafterhavingjustleft
thebar.WhileAlexwasinsidepickingupthefood,IgotatextfromElizabeth.Shewasworriedaboutthe
dresses.She’dbeenincreasinglyworriedaboutthetimeframeinwhicheverythingwashappening,andit
wasforthatveryreasonthatAlexandIwereheadingovertohismom’shousetoborrowhersewing
machine.
Duetotheamountofworkthatneededtobedone,andthedetailthatwouldbeincluded,I
neededabettermachine.NancyandIhadbecomeincreasinglycloseoverthepastyear.ElizabethandI
hadsavedherlife.ItwasmostlyElizabeth,adayIwouldneverforgetandadaythatmyprideinhergrew
tenfold.Nancyhadsufferedcomplicationsduetothechemothatshe’dbeentaking.They’dbeentoomuch
forheranditnearlykilledher.
AfterElizabethhadsavedher,Nancyspentquiteawhileinthehospitalreceivingcareandbeing
monitored.AlotofthatcarewasadministeredbyElizabethandmeonourofftime.We’dbeenveryshort
staffedatthetimeandbothofushadwantedtomakesureshereceivedgreatcare.Afterseeinghowhard
AlexandJaxweretakingeverything,itwasveryhardforustostayaway.
Nancywasagood,strongwoman.She’dfighttothedeathforherkiddos.Itseemedthatatsome
pointI’dbeenlumpedinthatcategoryaswell.Ididn’tmindit.IlovedNancy,andIlovedherchildren.
Theywereverygoodpeople.
“Hey,Andi!”Nancysaidaswewalkedthroughthedoor.“Howhaveyoubeen?”
Bothofussmiledaswegreetedoneanotherwithabighug.
“I’mgreat!”Ireplied.“Howareyoudoing?How’sthenurserycomingalong?”
“Hunter’sgonnabedrivingbythetimeI’mdonewiththedamnthing,”shejoked.“It’staking
forever.I’dmeanttohaveitdonebeforehewasborn,but…”
Elizabethhadgoneintolaborabouttwomonthsearly.ThoughNancyhadn’tgottenthenursery
donebeforehewasborn,shewasstillontargettohitheroriginaldeadline.
“You’restillmakinggoodtime,though,”Isaid.“BlameHunter.Hewastheonethatdecidedhe
didn’twannabeinthereanymore.”
Shelaughed.“Iwill.It’sallhisfault.Alreadyimpatient,justlikehisdaddyanduncle.”
“Impatient?”Alexsaid.“Me?Certainlynot.Idon’tknowwhoyou’retalkingabout.”
Nancygavehersonanincredulouslook,earningasmilefromhim.
“Where’sthesewingmachine,Mom?”Alexasked.
“See?”Nancyresponded.“Impatient!Notevenaproperhellotoyourmotherbeforeyougo
demandingthings.Whereareyourmanners?”
Helaughed.Thefamilydynamicalwaysenthralledme.Theywerealwayspickingonone
another,laughingatoneanother,playfullyarguing,andsmiling.Alwayssmiling.Ilovedthemsomuch.
ElizabethandIhadimmediatelybeendrawntoAlexandJaxbecauseoftheirkindnessandrespectfulness.
Afterwemettheirmom,itwasobviouswhytheyweresoamazing.
Alexhuggedhismotherandkissedherforehead.“Better?”
“Much,”shesaid,herbeautifulfacemockingirritation.“Yalittlebrat.It’sinthehallcloset.”
“Thanks,Momma,”hesaidbeforeheadingoutoftheroom.
NancywatchedeverystepthatAlexmadeuntilhewasoutofsight.Shewasbehavingvery
suspiciously,andIwasverycertainIknewwhy.Oncehewasoutofearshot,mysuspicionswere
confirmed.
“So…Andi…”Nancysaid.
“So…Nancy…”
Aratherdevioussmilespreadacrossherface.“Whenareyougoingtomakeanhonestmanout
ofthatsonofmine?”
“What?”Iasked.“AlexandIarejustfriends.It’snotanythinglikethat.”
“Ithinkwebothknowthathe’dbeperfectlyhappychangingthat,”shesaid.
Inodded.“Iknow.Idon’tknowwhatyoudidwhileraisingthoseboys,butyousureknowhow
tomake‘em.Bothofthemareeverythingamanshouldbe.”
“Sooo?YouguysspendmoretimetogetherthanMadonnadoeswithahaircolor.You’realways
together.He’salwaystalkingaboutyou.Youwouldbeperfecttogether,”shesaid.
Isighed.“Wearejustverygoodfriends.Iknowit’sstrange.Menandwomendon’tusuallymake
verygoodfriends,buthe’sdifferent.Wearedifferent.I’mcompletelyincapableoftrustingsomeoneinthe
relationshipsenseofthings,andhe’sagentlemanandrespectswomen.Itworksoutgreat.I’mjustoneof
theguys.”
“Doyouactuallylikeitthatway,though?”Nancyasked,herdeepeyesboringintomine.“Do
youtrulylikebeingalone?”
Ishrugged.“I’mnotreallysureanymore.It’sbeenthreeyears.Youknowthestory.We’vespent
ourfairshareofnightstakingshotsandbondingoverourhatredformen.”
Nancylaughed.“Wehave.PerhapsIshouldn’thavedonethat,though.EspeciallyifImadeyou
evenmoreapprehensive.You’rejusteasytogetalongwith,andIdon’tliketoactmyage.”
Shewashilarious.Ilovedhertopieces.WhenAlexwasgoingthroughthepoliceacademy,he
wasn’tasavailableasusual.Forgoodreason.Thatleftmecompletelyaloneforthemostpart.Elizabeth
waspregnantandwithJax.Alexwassuperbusymakingalifeforhimself.AllIhadwaswork.Onenight,
IdrunktextedNancyinsteadofAlex.How,I’llneverknow,butithappened.Sheofferedtocomegetme
andwehungout.Wespenttheentirenightdrinkingandbashingtheterriblerelationshipsthatwe’dhad.
ShetoldmethatafterJaxhadendedupwithElizabeth,she’dhopedthatAlexandIwouldendup
together.Afterthatnight,however,sherealizedwhyIwassoapprehensive.Apparently,her
understandingwasbeginningtowearoff.Iunderstood.SheknewthatIwasagoodwoman.Itmadesense
thatshe’dwanthersonwithsomeonethathecouldtrust,buttrustingmewasn’ttheproblem.I’mavery
good,decenthumanbeing.Itwasmyinabilitytoallowmyselftotrulycareforanyoneelsethatwouldbe
calledintoquestion.Hedidn’tdeservethat.
“Idon’twantyoutomisunderstand,”Istarted.“Alexiswonderful.YoujustknowthatIhave
trustissues.Youcouldn’tpossiblywantthatpinnedonhim,wouldyou?Alexiswaytoogoodtodeal
withthatbaggage.”
Shesteppedforward,herhandcomingtorestonthesideofmyface.“Oneofthesedays,that
willpass.Don’tclosedoorsbeforetheyevenopen.Youdeservehappiness,evenifitisn’twithmyson.
You’reagoodwomanandyoudeservetobehappy.It’stimethatyoustartedtoletyourselfmoveon.”
“Mom,”Alexsaid.“Leaveherbe.”
“Sorry!I’mjustaconcernedmother,that’sall,”shesaid.
“Justleavethatbe,Mom,”hesaid.Therewashumoronbothoftheirfaces,butIcouldtellthat
Alexwasembarrassed.
“Iseeyoufoundeverything,”Nancysaid.“Doesthatmeanyou’releavingnow?Ordidyouplan
tohangoutforawhile?”
“Allthestuffisbackatmyhouse,”Isaid.“So,we’llhavetogobackthere.I’lltrytohaveit
backtoyousoon.Ifyouneeditbacksooner,though,justletmeknow.”
“Youkidshavefun,”Nancysaid,givingbothofusahug.“Don’tworryaboutthemachine,Andi.
Irarelyuseit.Ifyouneedhelponthedresses,justletmeknow.Imaynotdoitoften,butI’mpretty
handy.”
“Thanks,Mom.Ithinkwe’regoingtoworkontheplansforthebachelorandbachelorette
parties,too,”hesaid.“We’vehadquiteafewrequestsfordetailsandwedon’thavethem.”
“Soundsfun,”Nancysaid.“Again,justletmeknowifyouneedanything.Iloveyouguys.”
Ismiled.Italwayswarmedmyheartwhenshetoldmethatshelovedme.Myownparents
weren’teventhatloving,letalonemyexin-laws.AlexandIleft,makingourwaybacktomyhouse.Our
foodwasjustshyofbeingcold,butwedidn’tmind.Wereheatedthefoodandatebeforesettingupmy
sewingtable.Alexbroughtmeashotandabeerbeforetakingaseatacrosstheroomonthecouch.
“Haveyouthoughtaboutthisatall?”Alexasked.“I’mnotsurewhatthey’dlike.”
IthoughtforafewmomentsasIfinishedpinningthefirstedgeofthematerial.Ipositionedthe
fabricunderthepressure-foot,secureditinplace,andplacedmyfootonthepedal.
“Idoubtthatastripclubisinorder,”Ijoked.
“Dinneroracookoutwouldbetooboringforthis,”heresponded.
“Oh!”Isaid.“Whataboutthecasino?”
“Whichone?”Alexasked.
“WildHorses.Thatonehasagreatbarinit,”Isaid.
“Thatsoundsperfect.It’snottrashy,butit’snotboringeither.Iloveit,”hesaid.
Therewasapauseashebeganwritingdownafewthings.Iimaginedhewaswritingdownsome
notesanddifferentideas.Iusedthattimetomakethefirsthem.Itturnedouttobeagreatideatouse
Nancy’smachine.Herswassomuchnicer.
“So,whatwereyouandMomtalkingabout?”Alexasked.
“What?”Iwasabitconfusedbyhisquestion,givenhe’dwalkedinonusandhadinterrupted.
“Youstoppedtheconversation.Youtoldhertodropit.Iassumedthatyouknew.”
“Oh,no,”hesaid.“Iheardhertone.Ididn’thavetoactuallyhearthetopictoknowthatshewas
uptonogood.Ifiguredthatshewasgivingyouahardtime.Ifyoudon’twanttosay,that’sfine.Ijust
wantedtomakesureshewasn’tgivingyouahardtime.”
“Shewasbuggingmeaboutyouagain,”Isaid.
“Damnit.”Heshookhishead.“Ifiguredthatwasit.Icouldtellbyhertone.I’msosorry,Andi.”
“Oh,it’sfine,”Isaid.“Likeshesaid…She’sjustaconcernedmother.Shejustdoesn’t
understand.”
“That’smyfault,”hesaid.“Italkaboutyouallthetime.SheknowshowIfeelaboutyou.”
“Howyoufeelaboutme?”Isaid,smiling.
“Oh,hush.YouknowhowIfeel.Don’tpickonme,”hesaid,amusementinhisvoice.
“Idomissit,”Isaid.“Theclosenessofbeingwithsomeone,Imean.Imissit.”
“Idon’tknowhowyoucanstandit.I’vebeenhurtbefore,too.Ithinkthatmostpeoplehave.We
can’tletitcontrolus,though.Youjustkindofhavetolearntoletitgo,asshittyasthatsounds.Yousaw
whatJaxandElizabethwentthroughandlookatthem,now.”
“Oh,Iremember,”Isaid.“IspentalotoftimetryingtoconvincehertoletthatdouchebagKevin
go.I’vealwaysbeenonetodealoutadvice,butnevertotakeit.”
“Clearly,”hepoppedoff.
“I’vehadabittoomuchtodrinktohavethisconversation,”Isaid.
“Why?Afraidyoumightbealittlebithonestforonceinsteadofavoidingthesubject?”
IsighedasIlookedawayfrommywork.IstaredatnothingasIthoughtmywordsovercarefully.
Itwastrue.I’dhadfartoomuchtodrinktobehavingaseriousconversation.Normally,thatwouldn’tbe
anissue.However,itwasjustasituationthatIdidn’twanttobeingiventhetopicathandandthatthe
personthatIwastalkingwithhadfeelingsforme.Thedepthofthosefeelingswerestillunknown,butthat
didn’tmakethemlessofaproblem.
“Yes,”Isaidfinally.“IknowthatI’llbeveryhonestandIdon’twanttohurtyourfeelings.
Wheremyheadis…Wheremyemotionalcapabilitiesare…”Isighedagain.“It’scomplicated.Idon’t
thinkthatyou’dlikemyanswer.”
“Whenhaveyoueverknownmetobejudgmental?I’veneverbeenupsetwithyoufortheway
thatyoufeel.Iwantyoutobehonest,”hesaid.
Inoddedbeforechuggingtherestofmybeer.Howladylike…
“Asyouwish,”Isaid.“Here’sthething.IknowthatI’mincapableoflettingsomeonein.Iknow
that.Ican’thelpit.Yes,itwillgoaway,butrightnowIcan’t.Thatdoesn’tmean,however,thatIdon’t
missthecontact.Imisskissing.Snuggling.Sex.God,doImissthesex.It’sbeenaverylongtimeforme.
IfI’mtobecompletelyhonest,whereIaminmyliferightnow,abeneficialfriendwouldbethebestthing
forme.”
“Abeneficialfriend?”heasked.
“Yes.Friendswithbenefits.Someonetohangoutwith.SomeonethatIcouldbemyselfwith.I
wanttolaughaboutstupidthings,maketerribleorpervertedjokeswithoutjudgment,havemyfreedomto
dowhateverIwantwithoutangeringorupsettinganyone,drinkbeerandgoouttothebarwithfriends,or
withhimandsomefriends,gohomewithhimandhaveallthefunthatIcanhandle,andthensendhisass
homeafter.Thatsoundsperfecttome.IfIfeellikegoingoutwithafriend,Ican.There’snosuspicionor
weirdness,especiallywhenI’mthemostloyalpersonI’veevermet.Icanjustgohavefunwithoutfeeling
badaboutit.There’snofeelings.He’snotgoingtogetupsetwhenIwantmyalonetime.Hell,he’d
probablylikethataboutme.There’snoawkwardness.Justfun.Pleasure.Sex.Lotsandlotsofsex.Sooo
muchsex.”
“Sooomuchofit,huh?”heasked,laughingabit.
“Youhavenoidea,”Isaid.ThealcoholwasgettingtomeabitmorethanI’dthought.“Iwantto
beyoung.Iwanttoenjoymylife.”
“Butyoudon’twanttheemotionalpainandbaggagethatcomesalongwithit,”Alexsaid.
“Yes!Exactly,”Isaid.
“DidyoueverstoptothinkthatIcouldbethatforyou?”heasked.
Mybrainstoppedatthatmoment.I’dthoughtaboutit,butknewthatwasn’tpossible.Tohearhim
sayit,Ifoundasmallpartofmeperkingupinhopesthatitcouldhappen.Intruth,Ibelievedthatwasthe
boozeandhormonestalking.IthadbeenaverylongwhilesinceI’dbeenwithanyoneandAlexwasa
deliciousmalespecimen.
“Youcouldn’tdothat,”Isaid.
“Whynot?”heasked.
“Becauseyouhavefeelingsforme,”Ireplied.“Thepointinhavingafriendwithbenefitsisthat
therearenofeelingsinvolved.Youalreadyhavefeelingsforme.”
“So?ThatonlymeansthatI’dtakebettercareofyou.ItalsomeansthatI’mnotgoingtogo
screwingaroundwithotherrandompeopleandriskyourhealth.Maybeyoushouldn’tfriendzonemeso
quickly.”
Ilaughed.“Friendzone.IguessIreallyhavedonethat.Still…Thethingisthatmostwomen
wouldsayyou’rejustsayingwhateveryouhavetojusttogetinmypants.Myproblemisthatyou’re
sayingwhateveryoucantobewithmeinwhateverwayyoucanbe.Ifgettinginmypantsistheonlyway
youcanbewithme,thenyou’lltakeit.Thatsoundsterrible.”
“Hellyeah,itdoes.Butanythingwillsoundliketheworstideaeverifyoubreakitdownfar
enough.You’rejustlookingintoittoomuch.DiditeveroccurtoyouthatI’dliketohaveabeneficial
friend?Idon’thavealotoftimeforagirlfriend.Notwithmybestfriendtakingupallmytime,anyway.”
“Right.Mebeingyourbestfriend,”Isaid.
“Right.So,withyoutakingupallmyfreetimeandworktakinguptherest,howamIsupposedto
findagirlfriend?Plus,itwouldbeexhaustingtofindagirlthatisasunderstandingofmyscheduleat
work,mygoals,andmydedicationtofamilyandfriends.Mostpeoplethesedaysareveryselfish.Men
andwomenbothwanteverythingtobeaboutthem.Familygoestotheside.I’llbedamnedifI’mletting
someonepushmeawayfrommynephew.SeemstomethatI’mnotreallyreadytotrytofindareal
relationship,either.However,justlikeyou,Ifindmyselfmissingsex.Physicalintimacy.Theabilityto
expressmyselfinthatway.So,Ithinkyou’vejustoverlookedaperfectlygoodmatch.”
He’dcrossedtheroomandwasstandingnexttomethen.Hewaslookingdownatmewith
focusedeyesandabeautifulsmileonhisface.
“Howdoyouknowthatwe’recompatibleinthatarea?”Iasked.“Thisisaprettybig
conversationandI’mdrunk.”
Helaughed.“That’sexactlywhyI’mnotmakingamoveonyoutonight.Iwantyoutothinkabout
it.Iwantyoutofantasizeaboutiteven.I’vecaughtyoulookingatme.Iknowyouwantme.”
Myeyeswidenedasmyjawfellopen.Icouldn’tbelievehecalledmeoutinsuchaway.I
smackedathimandheeasilydodgedit,bothofusgigglingintheprocess.
“You’recertainlyfullofyourself,aren’tyou?”Iasked.
Alexshrugged.“Notatall.Ijustknowthatwebothfindoneanotherattractive.Itwouldn’tbea
terriblematch,evenifitwasonlytemporary.”
“That’sagoodpoint.Itcouldbeverytemporary.Whatthen?Whataboutyourfeelingsthen?
Couldyoureallyputyourselfandyourfeelingsasideforme?Forthis?Anotherquestion…ShouldIbe
willingtobeselfish,whenitgoesagainsteverythingIam,justtogetwhatIwant?Itwouldbeterriblefor
metoputyouandyourfeelingsasidejusttogetwhatIwant.You’dhavefun,too,butstill.”
“YoumakethemistakeofthinkingthatI’mfragileandinnocent.ThisisoneareawhereJaxandI
areverydifferent.Don’tmakeyourdecisionnow.Rightnow,wehavewaytoomuchtoworryabout.You
needtogetagoodstartonthatdress,andIneedtocomeupwithanamazingpartyplan.I’mjusttiredof
youtreatingmelikethedelicatelittleboydownthestreetthatmaybreakifyoubreatheonhimthewrong
way.I’mnotnearlyassoftasyouthink.”
HewasthesameAlexasalways.Hissmileandgentleexpressionshowedhiskindnessasit
oftendid.Still,therewassomethingjustunderthesurface.Somethingdarker.Maybenotdark,Isuppose,
butcertainlynaughty.Ithadmerathercurious.PerhapsIhadmisjudgedhimafterall…MaybeAlexwas
capableofbeingmorethanjustfriends.
Thenightbeforehadcertainlybeenastrangeturnofevents.Ihadnotbeenexpectinganything
likethat.Atall.Alexissosweetandkind.He’swonderful.Ididn’texpecthimtospeakuplikehedid.I
couldn’tdenythattheideawasenticing.WhatIcouldn’tgetpast,however,wasthefactthatthemanhad
feelingsforme.ThatcouldendupbeingdevastatingforhimlateronifIdecidedtostop.Orworse…
WhatifImetsomeoneelseanddecidedtodatethembecauseI’dputhiminacategorywhereIcouldonly
seehimasmyfriendthatIhadsexwith?Hewouldbesohurtandconfused.I’mnotevenconsideringthat
asarealpossibility,butIwouldnevercompletelyruleitout.Thingshappen.
AsImademywaytothenurses’stationatwork,mymindwandered.Icouldn’thelpbutthink
abouttheproposition.I’dbeenfartoodrunktoconsideranythinglikethatatthatmoment.Itmademe
happythathewassuchagentlemanaboutitanddidn’ttrytopushit,ormakeamoverightthen.Assoon
asIroundedthedesk,theunitphonethatIcarriedonmyhipbegantoring.
“Rochester,”Isaid.
“ThisisJessicafromER.Weneedhelphere.Badly.Canyouspareanyone?”
“What’sgoingon?”Iasked.“Icancomedown.Otherthanthat,weareshortstaffed.Oneofour
girlsisoutfromsurgeryandanotherisoutsick.”
“WehavealargeMVAcomingin.Theycalledaheadtoletusknow.Athird-shifterallegedly
fellasleepatthewheelandcrossedtheyellowline,forcingaschoolbusofftheroad.”
“Oh,myGod,”Isaid.Iwantedtohopethatthekidsdidn’tgethurt,butIknewbetter.Ifthey
werecallingforhelp,thentherewerequiteafewpeopleinjured.“What’sthetotal?Howbadarethe
kids?”
“Thishappenedonthesouthsideoftown.They’retakingtheleastcriticalpatientsnorth.
Someoftheintermediateonesaswell.Allthecriticalpatientsarecominghereandthechopperison
stand-byifwecan’thandlethem.Fromwhatwecantell,thedriverofthecarismostlyfine.He’s
stable.Thebus,however,ranofftheroadandrolleddownthehillsideintothecornfieldthere.The
kidsandbusdriveraren’tdoingwell.”
Ifelttearstryingtowellinmyeyes.Allthosepoorbabies.
“I’llworkongettingalistofnamesofthekidsonthatbus.Weneedtostartcallingfamilyfor
importanthistory.Callmewhentheambulancesstarttoarrive,”Isaid.
Aspromised,Ibegancallingthelocalschools.Theywerealreadyawareofthewreckbecause
ofthepolice,whichspeduptheprocess.Theyalreadyhadalistofnamesreadyandthepolicewere
alreadyworkingonalertingthefamilymembers.Thatdidn’tmatter,though,asI’dhavetocallagainto
findoutaboutanypressingthingslikeallergies.
Therewerekidsthatrangedinagefromkindergartenallthewaytoseniors,thoughitwasmostly
youngerchildren.BeforeIbeganmakingcalls,Ineededtofindoutwhichkidswerecomingtome.I
didn’twanttowastetimecallingandfindinginformationonpatientsthatweren’twithme.LikeJessica
hadsaid,allmykidswerecritical.Theotherswereokay.
BeforeheadingdowntotheER,Iretrievedalargecartandthrewextrablankets,towels,cloths,
bandages,suturekits,gloves,andanythingelsethatIcouldgrabinahurrythatwouldhelpwith
stabilizing.Ialsopulledtheextraportabledefibrillatorandtookit.WehadseveralofthemintheICU
unitandIonlyhadtwopatients.Well…twopatientsatthatmoment,thoughIknewthatwasaboutto
change.TherewasonlyoneothernurseandaCNAonmyfloor,butIhopedthey’dbeabletohandlethe
extraweightoncewestabilizedtheothers.
ImademywaydowntotheERandsawthattheywereonalert.Theywerepreppingroomsand
doingthesamethingthatI’ddone,fillingcartsandputtingthemoutintheopensothesupplieswereeasy
toreach.TheERwasalwayswell-stocked,butinasituationthatbig,Iwasn’tsuretheycouldhandleit.
Bettertobesafethansorry.
“ThankGodyou’rehere,”Jessicasaid.
Herdarkeyeswerewide.Sheseemedmorealertthanafraid.Shepulledherblondehairdown
fromitsponytailholderandpulleditupeventighter.
“Me,too,”Isaid.“Ibroughtsomeextrasupplies.Howmuchlonger?”
“Lastcheck,thefirsttwoambulancesweretenminutesout.Thatwasaboutfiveminutesago.We
shouldseethemanytimenow.It’sbeenawhilesincewe’vehadanythingthisbig.”
“It’llbeokay,”Isaid.“Whentheycomein,Ineedalistofnamesofthepatientsthatwehave.I
havealistthatIgotfromtheschoolandtheircontactinformation.Theyfaxeditover.Ijusthavetomatch
thenameswehaveherebeforewestartmakingcalls.Aslongasthey’vebeenpatientsherebefore,we
shouldbeabletopulltheimportantstuffformostofthembymatchingtheirnameandaddresstowhatwe
haveonfile.Weshouldbeabletogetallergiesthatway;calltheparentstoconfirm.”
IsentJessicatocalltheambulancesthatwereinroutetogetthenamesofthepatientsthatthey
hadready.Shethenwenttoworkmatchingeverythinginourrecords.We’dgottenluckywiththefirst
batch,butthatwouldn’tbethecasewitheveryone.
Whenthefirsttwoambulancesarrived,weweremorethanready,orsoI’dthought.Oneofthe
children,alittlegirl,wasunconsciouswithapossibleconcussion.Theotherwasawake,buthysterical.
Shewasterrified.Therewasnothingworsethandealingwithchildren.Itwasheartbreaking.Itwas
rewardingonthebackend,oncetheywereonthemendandtheywereabletosmileagain,butthestart
wasterrible.Seeingtheirscaredlittlefaceslookupatyouwithtotaltrustthatyou’llfixeverythingand
makeitbetter,butastheadultinthesituation,havingtheknowledgethatitsometimesdoesn’tworkout
thatway…Itwashard.So,soveryhard.
ItooktheunconsciousgirlandJessicatookthehystericalgirl.OnceIgotherinaroom,Inoticed
thatherlipswerealittleblue.
“Herlipsarecyanotic,”Isaid,theparamedicacrossthegurneyfrommeimmediatelychecking
her.
“Shit.She’sstoppedbreathing.Shewasstablewhenwegotherintheambulance.Shewas
stableallthewayhere,”hesaid.Joshwashisname,Ithink.
“Well,sheisn’tnow.Startcompressions.I’mgettingthecrashcart,”Iordered.
Thebigcrashcartwasrightoutsidetheroom.Iquicklywheeleditinsidenexttothebed.I
turneditonandreadiedthemachine.JoshmovedtothesideasIcuthershirtoffandplacedthepads.One
onherupperrightchest,oneonherlowerleftside.JoshgavehertwomorebreathsasIattachedthepads
totheAED,ordefibrillator.Iwaitedamomentasitreadforherheartrhythm,buttherewasnothing.
Imanuallycheckedagainforbreathsoundsandaheartbeat,buttherewasnothing.
“There’snothing.I’mgoingtoshockher.Clear!”Isaid,givingeveryoneamomenttobackaway.
Ipushedthebutton,hertinybodyjumping.Stillnopulse.ItookoverCPRmyself.Icontinuedfor
twominutesbeforereassessing.Nothing.Icouldn’tloseher.Shewasmyfirstpatientoftheday,andIjust
couldn’tlosealittlegirl.Someone’sbaby.Shewasjustonherwaytoschool.Justaninnocentlittlegirl
withbeautifuldarkhair,lightblueeyes,andthetiniestdustingoffrecklesacrossthebridgeofhernose.
Shewasperfect.Itwasmyjobtomakesureshestayedthatway.
Ichargedthepadsagain.CPRdidn’twork,andI’dhavetoshockheragain.
“Clear!”Isaidagain.
Onceagain,Ipushedthebuttononceeveryonewasoutoftheway.Iwantedtothrowupinmy
moutheverytimeIsawthejoltpassthroughhertinyform.Shecouldn’thavebeenmorethansevenyears
old.
Assoonastheshockwasclear,Icheckedforheartrateandbreathing.Stillnothing.Ibeganmy
secondroundofCPR.I’djustgivenherasecondbreathwhenIfeltherbodytwitchonitsown.Igrabbed
mystethoscopeandcheckedforsounds.Anysounds.Thereitwas…Thetiniestlittleheartbeat.
“Doyouhaveanameonher?”IaskedtoJosh.
“Actually,I’mprettysureshetoldmethathenamewasAndi,”hesaid.
“Seriously?”Iasked.Henodded.“Hmm.Well,she’sLittleAndi,now.IneedJessica.”
“I’llgether,”Joshsaid.
He’dnomorethangottentothedoorbeforeJessicacamerunningin.
“Yes?Everythingokayinhere?”sheasked.
“Isyourpatientstable?”Iasked.
“Absolutely,”shesaid.“What’sgoingon?”
“Mineisn’t.Ineedachartonthisgirl.JoshsaidthathernameisAndi.Canyouchecktheroster
andseeifyoucanfindanyallergiesonher?”
“Onit,”shesaid.
Ispentthenextfewminutesmonitoringherintensely.Iperformedafullassessment,lookingfor
bruisingandrigidityintheabdomen,anythingthatwouldsuggestinternalbleeding.Icheckedeverything
thatIcouldwithoutamachine.Therewasbloodontherightsideofherheadtowardtheback.Itwas
hiddenbyherthick,darkhair.
Aftercoveringherexposedchestandbellywithagown,Ibegancheckingherpulsesandalso
placedanIV.Nodoubtshe’dneedfluids,andifshecodedagain,she’dpotentiallyneedsomeserious
medicationtosaveher.Iplacedmyfingersonherankletocheckthepulseonherlowerextremities,andI
feltherjerk.Ilookedupintimetoseehergrabholdofmyleftarmthathadbeennexttoherside.Her
eyeswereslowatfirst,thenshebeganlookingaround,theriseandfallofherchestcomingquickerand
quickerastheconfusionsetin.
“Andi?”Isaid.“Andi.Isthatyourname?”
Icametoherside,takingherhandandenvelopingitinbothofmine.Shebegantowhimperand
whine,thesoundgettinglouderandlouderasshefranticallylookedaround,searchingforanything
familiar.IfIdidn’tcalmherquickly,shewouldstartscreamingwithinmoments.
“Andi!”Icalledoutagain,tryingtogetherattention.Igentlytouchedthesideofherfaceandher
eyessnappedmywaysofastthatIdidn’tevenseethemmove.“Hi,there.IsyournameAndi?”
Hereyesrolledaroundagainasshesearchedtheroom.“Y-y-yes,”shestammered.Itcouldhave
beenfear,confusion,braintrauma,orjustafriendlyol’stutter.
“Wannahearsomethingfunny?MynameisAndi,too!”
“R-really?”sheasked.
Icouldfeelhertinybodyshaking.
“Itsureis!So,you’llbeabletorememberit,yeah?”
Shenoddedinresponsetomyquestion.
“Good!”Isaid,tryingtosoundpeppy.“LikeIsaid,mynameisAndi,andI’manurse
practitioner.Doyouknowwhatthatis?”
SheshookherheadandwincedinwhatIassumedwaspain.
“Whathurts?”Iasked.
“Myhead,”shesaid.Nostutter.Good.Ihopeditwasjusthernerves.
“That’sverygoodtoknow,Andi.Thankyoufortellingme.I’manursepractitioner.Itmeansthat
I’mnotadoctor,butI’maspecialkindofnurse.Nursesarespecialanyway,though,right?Wearelike
superheroes.Wesavetheday.I’mgoingtoneedyoutotalktomeandtrytostayawake,okay?”
Jessicaranintotheroom.“AndiHayes.She’sallergictoPenicillin.Shebreaksoutinhives,but
noanaphylaxis.Icalledhermother.Theyareontheirwayin.”
Ismiled.“Didyouhearthat?”Iasked.“Yourmomisonherwayhere.Untilthen,I’mgoingto
getyousometests,okay?Ineedtoseeinsidethatprettyheadofyours.”
“Willyougowithme?”sheasked.
Ismiledagain.Itwasforcedthattime.Inreality,Iknewthereweremorechildrencomingin.A
lotmore.Ineededtobeabletotakecareofasmanyaspossible,butIcouldn’tletLittleAndigowith
anyonethatcouldn’tsaveherifshecodedagain.Ihadafeelingshehadalotofswellingandthather
beingawakeandtalkingwasthecalmbeforethestorm.
“Ofcourse!”Isaid.“Ican’tsendmybestgirldowntherealone,nowcanI?We’retwins!”
Shegiggled.“Wearen’ttwins,silly.”
“Why?BecauseI’mtooold?”Iasked,takingthebrakesoffherbed.
“Yeah.You’retooold.You’rereallypretty,though!”
“Old,butpretty.IthinkI’lltakeit,”Isaid.“Jessica,I’dlikeyoutoaccompanyme,please.Grab
thecrashcart,ifyoucan.Asforyou,LittleAndi,Ineedyoutostaycalmandstaystill.Trynottomove
toomuch,okay?Iwantyoutotellmeifyoufeellikepassingout,orstarthurtingalot.”
“Okay,”LittleAndisaid.
Jessicawasgreat.ShekepttalkingtoLittleAndiasIkepttomyselfinmymind.Iranthroughthe
possibilitiesandwhatIcouldtalkaboutwiththedoctors.IwantedtomakesurethatIhadaplanbeforeI
figuredanythingout.Iwasterrifiedofanythingthatcouldgowrong.Shewassuchasweetlittle
munchkin.
“OldAndi?”
Jessicachokedonalaughbehindus.Ittookquiteabitformenottolaughaswell.
“Yes,sweetheart?”Iresponded.
“AmIgoingtodie?”
Aaandthereitwent.AllhumorgoneasmyemotionsandfearsqueezedmychestsotightthatI
couldhardlybreatheinthatmoment.Ihopedmyheartwouldn’tfalloutonthefloor.Thatpoorbaby.The
sadthingwasthatIcouldn’tpromiseher.Iknowthat’sterrible,butIcouldn’t.NotonlydidInotknowifI
couldkeepit,asshe’dalreadycodedonce.ButIcouldn’tbearthethoughtoftheguiltI’dhavetolive
withifIlosther.Instead,IdidwhatIalwaysdid.Chosemywordscarefully.
“Oh,honey.Youhavenoreasontoworryaboutthat,okay?I’mhere.Jessica’shere.We’regoing
totakecareofyou.Justsittight.Wearegoingtolookinyourheadandseehowhardyoubumpedit.”
“Itrustyou,”shesaid.
Bestill,myweepingheart.Thetrustofachildwaspure.Innocent.Itwastheonlytrustthat
matteredinthisworldbecauseitwastheonlyrealtrust.Icouldn’tletherdown.
IpushedherbedintotheroomwiththeCTscan.Ihighlydoubtedshe’dstaystillandquiet
enoughinanenclosedmachine,sotheMRIwasout.Iparkedhernexttothemachinebeforeturningto
Jessica,myvoicebarelyawhisper,Itoldher,“CallDoctorWilson.Getherinhere.Now.”
“Iseverythingokay?”Jessicaasked,herhushedtonematchingmine.
“Ihaveabadfeeling.Just…Please,callher.Iknowshehasableed.Ijustknowit.Wedon’t
havealotoftime.I’vewastedenoughkeepinghercalm.Ineededherquietandstillenoughtogetclear
imaging.Ithinkshewillcodeagain.IjustwantDoctorWilsonhere.”
Jessicanoddedbeforeheadingthroughthedoorbehindtheglasswindow.
“OldAndi?”
“Yes,baby,”Isaid,comingtoherside.“Areyouscaredofthemachine?”
Shenodded,givingasmallmmhmm.
Ismiled.“Don’tbescared.I’vebeeninthisthingacoupleoftimesmyself.It’ssuperweird,but
it’sverysafe.Itmakesafunnysound.ThisiswhattheycallanopenCTmachine.It’sopenonbothsides,
soyoudon’tfeelsoenclosed.IalwaysclosemyeyeswhenIgoin.Thenit’slikeafunlittleride.”
Jessicahadjustreturned,givingmeanodtoletmeknowthatitwasdone.Shecontinuedchatting
withourlittlepatient.Shewasverysmartandveryinquisitive.Uponasking,shesaidthatherheadwas
hurtingworse,then.Wedidn’thavemuchtime.Ifthebleedwasbadenough,shecouldstartseizing,she
couldcodeagain,orevendie.Iwasveryworried.
JessicaandIhadjustgottenheronthenarrowtablethatwouldmovebackandforththroughthe
CTmachinewhenDoctorSaunderswalkedin.Hewasareallygreatdoctor.Hewastheveryonethathad
assistedElizabethandIwhenNancyhadbeencoding.Definitelyagoodguytohavearound.
“Iwastoldthatwehaveatinypatientabouttogetherheadchecked,”hesaid,tryingtosound
positive.
Inodded,hopingthatthelookonmyfacegaveawaymyworry.Sandy,oneofthetechsin
Radiology,helpedusgetLittleAndiready.
“Ihavetogointhatlittleroomrightoverthere,”Isaid.“I’llberightthere.I’mnotgoingfar.”
“I’mscared,”shesaid.“Idon’tfeelgood.”
“Iknow,sweetheart.Wehavetohurryandgetthisdone,sowecanseeyourlittlehead.Wehave
tomakesureweknowhowtohelpyou,butwehavetohurry.”Andwedid.Hadshebeenanadult,I’d
havetoldthemtorelaxbecauseweneededtomakesuretheyweren’tbleedingtodeath.Thatusuallyshuts
anadultup.Achild,however,issomuchharder.Weneededherstill,orwewouldn’tseeanything.“I’ll
tellyouwhat…I’llbeinthatroom,butthere’sareallyneatmicrophoneinthere.Icantalktoyou.Don’t
talkbacktome,though.Notunlessyoustartfeelingsuperweird,orifyourheadachegetsreallybad.
That’sthedeal.”
“Okay.Willyousingtome?”sheasked,herlittlevoiceshakingastearsrandownherround
face.Shewasterrified,butholdingittogethersowell.Shewasatoughcookie.
“Ifyoupromisetobereallystillandreallygood,andyoupromisetoletusdothisrightnow,I
willsingtoyou.You’renotallowedtomakefunofme,though.”
Shesmiled.Itmusthavebeenpartiallyforcedasitdidn’tquitereachherbeautifulblueeyes.
“Deal.Ipromise.”
Inodded.“Herewego,then.”
Withouteventhinkingaboutit,Ileanedoverandkissedherdirtylittleforehead.Therewasa
tinycomfortedmoanthatescapedherthroat,andInearlychokedasItriedtoholdbacktears.Ihadn’t
plannedtokissher,butitjustseemedlikethethingtodo.MymomalwaysdidthatwhenIwaslittleandit
alwaysmademefeelbetter.WhenIsawthetearsinhereyesandtheforcedsmileonherfaceasIstood
up,IknewIwasrighttodoit.
“I’llbebraveforyou,OldAndi,”shesaid.
“Mmhmm!”wasallIcouldmanage.Igaveherhandasqueezeandboltedoutofthereandinto
theadjacentroombeforeshesawmyeyes.
AsIwalkedintheroom,DoctorSaunderstoldmethathe’dcalledforsomeonetobringa
mobileEKGdown.Weneededtoattachittoher,sowecouldmonitorherheart.Itshouldbetherebythe
timeweweredone.
“Areyouokay?”Jessicaasked.
“You’veaskedmethatadozentimes,Ifeellike,”Isaid,wipingacoupleoftearsfrommyface.
Shesmiledatme.“Well,someonehasto.Trytorelax.Wehaveagoodteam.Wewon’tlet
anythinghappentoher.”
InoddedasIleanedovertothemic.“Okay,Andi.Don’tmoveyourbody,butgivemeathumbs
upifyoucanhearme.”
Herlittlehandmoved,butbarely.Itseemedweak.Still,itwaswhatIaskedfor.Ibegansinging
toherthen.Icouldn’treallythinkofanythingspecial,soIstartedsingingsomethingthatIlovedthatwas
sweetandchildappropriate.BeautifulbyChristinaAguilera.EveryonewatchedintentlyasIsangto
LittleAndi,hopingthatitwouldkeephercalmandhappy.
TheCTbeganmovinginandout,thespinningmotorinsidewindingupandslowingdown,then
speedinguponceagain.Sandyaskedmetotellheritwasabouttobeginandtobesuperstill.IdidasI
wasaskedandbegansingingagain.
“OldAndi,”shesaid,hervoicestillshaky.
“Trytostaystill,baby.Weneedagoodpicture,”Isaid.
Shegroanedloudly.“Butmyhead.Myhead,Andi.Itfeelslikeit’ll‘splode!”
“Getwhatyouneedandgetheroutofthere.Sheneedstogotosurgery,now.I’llcallNeuro,”
DoctorSaunderssaid.
“Ol…An…”Hervoicefadedinandout.
“She’scrashing!”Icriedout.
SandyshutdownthemachineasDoctorSaunders,Jessica,andIallranoutoftheroomand
rushedtoherside.IwasthelastoneoverasIhittheCODEbuttononthewall.Thecrashcartwasclose,
thankstoJessica,andwewenttoworktogetherback.Everythingwasabluratthatmoment,andIwas
gratefulthatSaunderswasthere.Hewasabeaconintheheavyfogintherockybay.Heguidedme.
IcouldhardlyhearanythingasmymindwasscreamingloudenoughthatIwascertaineveryone
intheroomcouldhear.IheardthenamesofsomemedsbeingcalledoutbySaunders.Epi.Bicarb.Iran
outoftheroomtogetthoseandatubekit.Sheneededtobeintubated.WhenIreturned,IfocusedhardasI
forcedtheroomtostopswirling.ImeasuredouttheneededdosefortheEpinephrineandaskedJessicato
confirmitwascorrect.IknewIcouldadminister,butwantedtomakeabsolutelycertaindoseswere
correct.Iknewbetterthannottowithmyadrenalineandemotionssohigh.
TwoshocksandthreeroundsofCPRlater,wegotherback.Almostexactlyasbefore.Thattime,
shedidn’tseemtowakeup,thoughherbodywassensitivetopain.Thatwasgood.Icheckedherpupils
andtheleftwasdilated,indicativeofabrainbleed.IattachedabagtothetubethatDoctorSaundershad
placedandcompressediteverfewseconds.Someonewouldhavetocontinuetodosountilshewas
upstairsandonaventilator.
“Andi,callDoctorLacey.IcalledNeuro,butIgotnoanswer.Callherdirectly.She’sthebest
Neurosurgeonwehave.I’vegotLittleAndifromhere.Youdidwell,”hesaid.
Inodded.Ididn’thavetheenergytoarguewithhim.Honestly,Ididn’thavethebrainto.Itfelt
likemush.Gettingattachedtopatientswasahugeno-no,andthatwaspreciselythereasonwhy.Itactually
hinderscareinanemergency.I’dalwaysbeensogreatatkeepingdistance,butkids…Therewasa
reasonwhyIstayedfarawayfrompediatrics.
IdidasDoctorSaundersaskedmetoandthenrantothebathroomtothrowup.Forgood
measure,Ithrewupafewmoretimes.Ineededtopurgeallofthatandthrowingup–whilehideousand
disgusting–wasalsoeffective.OnceIwasfinished,Ibrushedmyteethusingoneofthedisposable
toothbrushesandtinytubesoftoothpastethatwasonanearbytoiletrycart.Iwashedmyhandsacoupleof
times,thenheadedbacktotheER.LittleAndiwasingreathandswithDoctorSaunders.Hewasoneof
thebestI’devermet.IhadmanymorepatientscominginandICUwasabouttofillup.Therewastoo
muchworkformetodotojustgiveintomyemotions.
Itookadeepbreathandsteeledmyself,pushingthatsweetlittlefaceoutofmymind.Iwould
calltocheckonhersurgeryassoonasIgotachance.Infact,IknowthatI’dendupcheckingonhermany
times.
Itwasgettingeasiertogetmyconfidencebackwiththenexttwoambulancesthatshowedup,
evenwiththeknowledgethattherewouldbemanymorepatientstocome.WithLittleAndistillrawinmy
mind,Ikeptmyselfatadistanceandfocusedstrictlyoncare.Iallowedthesecondarycaregiversdoall
thesweettalking.Otherwise,I’drisklettingmypatientdownallover.
Therewereseveralemergencyvehiclesthathadcomefromoutoftowntohelpwiththeaccident
andtheywereallbeginningtoshow.Tenambulancesinourreceivingareaandweweremaxedout.We
workedhardandfasttostabilizeandgetthemuptoICU,butthatposeditsownissue.Whowouldcare
fortheminICU?
Wepullednursesfromalloverthehospitalandafewmoredoctorswerecalledinaswell.I
wasinchargeofstabilizingandthenmovingthepatientsuptoICU.Iwouldgivethepatientinformation
tothestaffthatIhadavailable,thatwasgrowingbytheminute,thengetthepatientcomfortable,andthen
headbackdowntotheERandstartoveragain.Ittookalongtimetogeteverythingsettled.
Someofthepatientswererushedintosurgerywithinternalbleedingandothervariousissues,
whileotherswereshippeduptoICU.Someofthemweresenttothethirdandfourthfloorswhichwas
wherewekeptournon-criticalpatientsforgeneralmonitoring.Thosepatientswereconsidered
completelystable,butunabletoleave.Theywouldstayfortwenty-fourhoursorso,longerifthedoctor
feltnecessary,andthentheywouldbedischarged.
Thedaywaslongandrelentless.Itdidn’tendoncethe“emergency”ofitallwasover.Thatwas
onlythebeginning.Afterthatcamethemonitoring,thecrashingofthoseinICU,theadmissionsofthose
comingoutofsurgery.Nooneate.Noonetookabreak.Ididn’tevenrememberseeinganyonegotothe
bathroom.Itwascommoninthemedicalfield.Itwasdisturbinghowhightheratesofurinarytract
infectionswereinnurses.Consistentlygoingfullshiftswithoutusingthebathroomwasdetrimentaltothe
health,butitwaseasytoforgettodo.
Bythetimethatmyshiftended,Iwasstillwrappingthingsup.Myentirebodyached.Iwas
exhausted.LittleAndiwasheavyonmymind.Theyhadtobringherbackagaininthemiddleofsurgery.
Theneurologistsaidthatifshehadn’tgottenuptherewhentheydid,shewouldhavedied.Thebleeding
hadbecomesobadthatitwaspressingonsomeprettyterriblethings.Iwasgratefulwehadsucha
wonderfulteam.
Theonlythingthatheldmetogetherwasthefactthatwedidn’tloseasinglepatient.Therewere
threechildreninICUthatwerebeingheavilywatched.Oneofthemhadabrokenneckfrombeingtossed
aroundintherollingbus.Theotherchild,alittleboy,hadsevereintracranialswelling.Surgical
interventionwasstillaveryrealpossibilityifitcouldn’tbecontrolledonitsown.ThentherewasLittle
Andi.Thosechildrenwereourmostcritical,buttheywerealive.
Iwenttoseeheronthewayoutofthebuilding.Shewasstillunconsciousandonaventilator.
Herlittleheadwaswrappedinalargebandage.Shelookedlikealittlealien.IsmiledasIthoughtabout
tellingherthatwhenshewokeup.HerparentshuggedmewhenIwalkedin.DoctorSaundersandDoctor
LaceytoldthemthelengthsI’dgonetoinordertotakecareofher,includingsingingtoherintheCT
room.Theywereverygratefulforeverything,whichmadeitevensweeter.Ilovedthosestories.Itmade
allthathard,relentlessworksoworthitjustknowingthatIwasabletochangealife.
IaskedifIcouldstayawhileandholdherhand.Themotherwasalltoohappytoagree,aswas
therestofherfamily.Isatnexttoherbedanddidjustthat.Hermother,Jackie,askedifIwouldpraywith
her.I’dneverbeenthatgreatatprayingwithotherpeople,butIcertainlywasn’tgoingtoturnitdown.In
fact,itmovedmethatshewouldincludemeinsomethingsopersonal.
Afteraboutforty-fiveminutes,IdecidedthatIneededtogetoutofthere.LittleAndiwasingood
handsandhadlotsoflovewithher.Shewouldbeokay.Ijustknewit.IhadtogetoutoftherebeforeI
decidedtostopfightingtheurgetocrawlinbedwithherandsleep.
Ontopofthephysicalexhaustionthattheactionofthedaybrought,therewastheemotional
exhaustion.Somanymothersandfathers.Somanybrothersandsisters.Theywereallamess.Crying,
beggingforinformationthatwesimplydidnothave.Therewereprayergroupsgoinginthewaitingroom
andmyheartbrokeeverytimeIhadtowalkoutthere.
Theinvestigationintotheaccidentprovedjustthat.Ithadbeenanaccident.Themaledriverhad
indeedfallenasleepatthewheel.Infact,itwashisemployer’sfault.Theyhadforcedhimtoworka
doubleshiftthreedaysthatweek.Hewasasinglefatherandstillhadtotakehisownchildrenbackand
forthfromschool,sohissleepwasnearlynon-existent.Hisbloodandurinecamebackcompletelyclear.
Itwasasimplemistakebyamanthathadbeenranasfarashecouldgo.Iwasrelievedtohearthatno
chargeswouldbebroughtagainsthim.
Hewasonmyfloor,thoughhewasn’tintheICU.IcametocheckonhimbeforeIleftandhe
brokemyheart.Hewasamess.Itwasobviousthathe’dbeencryingforawhile.Hefeltsomuchguiltfor
whathadhappened.Beforehistoxscreencameback,officersstoodoutsidehisroom.Itwasmoreforhis
protectionthananythingelse.Theywereafraidsomeangryparentswoulddiscoverwhatroomhewasin
andhurthim.Oncetheconclusiontotheinvestigationcameoutandtheparentswereallinformedofwhat
reallyhappenedandthesituationthefatherwasin,theywereallveryunderstandingandsweet.
Hetoldmethatseveralpeoplecamebyhisroom.Icouldseethat.Therewereballoonsand
flowersalloverhisroom.Oneofthemomswasadaycareproviderandofferedtotakehiskidstoschool
inthemorningforhimonherwaytowork.Shealsosaidthatshecouldsendsomeonetopickthemupon
thedayswhenhehadtoworkoversothathecouldrest.Withherownchildinthehospital,shewasstill
caringenoughtohelpthatmanout.Itwarmedmyhearttoseethecommunitycometogether.Itreminded
methattheworldwasn’tsuchabadplace.It’sgoodtohavethosereminderssometimes,thoughIwished
thatitdidn’ttakesuchaterriblethingtodoso.
AsIfinishedup,Igrabbedmyphoneandcheckedmymessages.Therewereseveralfrom
Alex.Heaskedhowmydaywasinthefirst.Rightafterthathementionedthewreck.He’dheardaboutit,
butbecauseofwherehewasassigned,hecouldn’ttakepartinit,buthewishedmeluck.Thelastone
askedifIwasokay.Hehadn’thadasingleresponsealldayandwasworried.Mybodyached.Myhead
throbbed.Icouldn’timaginegoinghomealoneandjustgoingtobed.Itextedhimback.
I’mokay,butinalotofpain.Canyoucomeover?
Itdidn’ttakelongforhimtorespond.Itwasalmostimmediate.
Absolutely.Areyousureyou’reokay?CanIbring
anything?
Ithoughtaboutthatforamoment.Iwastemptedtotellhimtobringsomemassageoilandmake
goodonthatconversationwehadthenightbefore.Intheend,Idecidedagainstit.
Justyou.
~~~
WhenIgothome,Alexwasalreadythere.He’dlethimselfinsidewiththekeyI’dgivenhimand
hadalreadystarteddinner.IwalkedintothesmellofhomemadeAlfredosauce.
“Ihopeyoudon’tmind,”hesaid.“Itsoundedlikeyoucoulduseabreak.”
Myeyesbegantofillwithtears.Ihadnoideawhatcameoverme,butIimaginedthatithadalot
todowiththatlittlegirlintheER,allofthestressandworryoftheday,andthatIhadn’teatenanything.
Atthatmoment,Ihadneverbeensogratefulforanyone.
Withoutanothermomentofhesitation,ImademywayovertoAlexandwrappedmyarmsaround
him,lettingthetearsfall.Iheardthelightclangofapotashemoveditofftheburnerbeforewrappinghis
armsaroundmyframe,squeezingme.
“Thankyousomuch,”Isaidbetweensobs.“Iappreciatethismorethanyouknow.”
“Iwasn’tthere,butIknowithadtobebad.Theyweretalkingaboutitatthestationwhenthey
cameback.IwishI’dbeenthere.Evenjusttoseeyouforamoment.I’msosorry.Iknowitmusthave
beenhard.”
Ipulledawayandhewipedthetearsfrommyface.
“Therewasthisgirl,”Isaid,launchingintothestoryofthesweetchildthatstolemyheartthat
day.Istillcouldn’tthinkabouttheterrifiedlookonherfacewithoutgrippingmyfists.Itdevastatedme.
“Oh,myGod,”hesaid.“Howawful!Isshealright?Orwillshebealright?”
“She’sokay.She'llbedownforawhile,butIhavenodoubtthatshewillhealquickly.God.I’m
goingtohavenightmaresabouther,Ijustknowit.Sometimesthisjobsucks.Don’tgetmewrong.I’mso
gladIwasabletohelpsaveher,butherlittleface…oh,Ijustcan’thandlethinkingaboutit.”
“Hermomgetstohughertonight,thoughbecauseofyou.Herfamilystillgetstotellherthey
loveherbecauseofeverythingyoudid.Iknowit’shard,butIcantellyoufrompersonalexperience
exactlywhatitfeelsliketobeonthereceivingendofthatgiftfromyou.”
Hewas,ofcourse,talkingabouthismother.AboutthedaythatElizabethandIhadsavedher.
EventhoughitwasmostlyElizabeth’sdoing,hestillcontributedalotofittome,too.Ithoughtthatwas
prettygreatofhim.
“Thankyou,”Isaid.“That’sincrediblysweet.”
“You’rewelcome.SometimesIfeellikeyouneedtobereminded.Now…Gogetthoseclothes
off.Takeahotshower.Bythetimeyou’redone,dinnershouldbeaswell.”
“Yes,sir.Youdon’thavetotellmetwice.”
IdidasIwastold,headingintothebathroomandgettingundressed.I'dchangedoutofmyscrubs
atworkandworeacleanpairhomeasIalwaysdid.Ididn’tlikewearingdirtyscrubshomeandbringing
inanypotentialnasties.Iwassurethegirlsinlaundrydidn’tmuchcareforthat,butitwasaphobiaof
mine.
Mymusclesrelaxedassoonasthewaterhit.SomuchsothatIworriedImightcollapse.Itwas
incrediblehowtensemybackandshoulderswere.Icouldn’tbelievejusthowI’dmadeitwithasweak
asIfeltrightthen.Thehumanbodywascapableofamazingthingswhendeterminationwasinvolved.
Iheardthebathroomdooropen,butIignoredit.AlexcouldhaveletaTVcrewinthereandI
wouldn’thavecared.Injustafewmomentsitclosedagain.Curious,Ipeekedouttoseethathadbrought
mesomepajamas,underwear,andsocks.Howsweetwashe?
WhenIfinished,Iturnedofftheoncehotwateranddriedoff.Idebatedblow-dryingmyhair,but
decidedagainstit.Iwantedfood.Iquicklychangedintothepajamasprovidedformeandmademyway
intothekitchen.
Oh…Thatsmell.Itwasbeyondwonderful.Magiceven.HomemadechickenAlfredo,garlic
bread,andasidesaladwithfreshlygratedParmesan.Itlookedamazing.Mystomachwastryingtojump
intomythroat.Atleast,that’swhatIimagineditwastryingtodowithallthatnoiseitwasmaking.
“Alex,”Isaid.“Itlooksdelicious.Itsmellsunbelievable.”
“Waituntilyoutasteit,”hesaid.“Sitdown.I’llgetyouaplate.”
Ibegantoprotest,buthestoppedmerightthere.
“Idon’tthinkso,”hescolded.“Sit.Now.Youspentthewholedayhelpingotherpeople.
Someoneneedstotakecareofyounow.”
Icouldkisshim.Hewassosweet.
Hmm…Thatactuallysoundedlikeawonderfulidea.Withtheblood,dirt,sweat,andtearsofthe
daywashedoffme,andthestressmeltedawaywiththehotwater,suddenlyIwashungryformuchmore
thanjustyummyAlfredo.Ifoundmyselfstaringatthebeautifulmaninthekitchenpreparingaplateofthe
foodthehe’dmadeforme.Kind.Smart.Thoughtful.
Sexy.
So…so…sexy.
AlexhandedtheplatetomeandIsmiled,doingmybesttoholdbackmylecherousthoughts.I
hopedthathecouldn’tseethewantinmyeyes.Thatconversationfromthenightbeforewasreplayingin
mymind.OverandoverIwatchedhimmakehiscase.OverandoverIsawthatdirtylookinhiseyes
whenhe’dspokenwithpassion.IfIdidn’tgetmymindonsomethingelse,hewasgoingtogethiswish.
“What’sonTV,Iwonder.”Igrabbedtheremote,tryingtotakemymindoffanythingsexual.
“I’lllook,”Alexsaid,snatchingtheremoteawayfromme.“I’lllookandyoueat.”
“Yes,sir,”IsaidasIrolledmyeyes.
Alexnarrowedhiseyesatme,agrinplayingacrosshislips.“Thatwasveryrudeofyou.
Rollingyoureyes.Haveyounomanners?Benicenow,orI’llhavetoteachyousome.I’mtryingtohelp
yourelaxafterall.”
Igaspedalittle,myeyeswidening.Hadheseenthelookinmyeyeswhenhehandedmethe
plate?Washejustrespondingtomyowndesire?Orwashetotallycluelessandjustbeingnaughty
himself?
Ididn’tlingertofindout.
Turningmyeyestowardmyplate,Igrabbedtheforkanddugin.
Oh,hell.
Oh,heavenwouldbemoreappropriate.TheGardenhadnothingonthat.My,my,my.Thesounds
comingfrommystomachwasbothembarrassingandtellingofhowgooditwas.Iwasn’tcertainifthe
foodwasactuallythatgood,orifitwasthefactthatIhadn’teateninsolong.Itdidn’tmatter.Iateitwith
greathaste.
Iheardalightlaugh.“Likeit?”
Ilookedup,anoodlehangingoutofmypursedlipsasIsuckeditintomymouthlikeavacuum.
“What?”Iasked.
“Doyoulikeit?Yousoundhilariousoverthere.Withthesoundsyou’remaking,Icouldn’ttellif
youwereeatingordoingsomethingelseoverthere.”
Iswallowed,embarrassed.
“I’msorry,”Isaid.“It’ssogood.Really.”
“I’mgladyouenjoyit.Whenyou’refinished,wewillmoveontothenextactivity.”
“I'msorry.What?Whatactivity?Wehaveactivities?”
Hesmiled.“Don’tworryaboutit.Justrelaxandeat.Thenightisaboutmakingsureyougoto
bedalreadyrestedandwakeupfeelinggreatbeforeworktomorrow.Okay?Justrelax.”
Itwasmyeyesturntonarrowthen.Whatexactlydidhehaveplanned?
OnceIfinishedmyfood,Alexcametogetmyplateandtakeittothekitchenalongwithhis.My
bellywasfull.Mybodysemi-relaxed.Iwasahappygirl.
“Comewithme,”hesaid,extendinghishand.
Ihesitatedforamomentbeforetakingitandfollowinghimtomybedroom.Mybelly
immediatelyskipped.ThatAlfredowasdoingsomedancingwiththeanxietythatIsuddenlyfelt.I’d
thoughtalotabouthisidea,butIhadn’tyetdecided.Iwantedhim,butIneededmoretimetothink.
“Relax,”hesaid,apparentlyhavingreadmymind.“Nothinglikethat.Nosex.”
“Igotnervous.I’msorry.”Istoodthere,lookinghimintheeyeswithwhatwascertainlyaguilty
expression.
“It’sokay.Iunderstand.Istillwantyoutostrip,though.Thenliefacedownonthebed.”
Myeyeswidened.“What?”
Thetipsofhisfingersbrushedthehairbackoutofmyface.Heleanedforwardandkissedmy
forehead.
“Trustme.I’mnotgoingtodoanythingthatyoudon’twant.Ipromisedyounosex.That’swhatI
meant.I’lleventurnontheTV.Lietherewithyourheadtowardthefootofthebedsoyoucansee.Just
trustme.Stripdown.Underwearisfine,butI’dlikeforthosetogoaswell.”
Ooooh,my.Mychestwasheavingabitwithmyrapidbreathsandheartrate.Iwasscaredto
removemyclothes,especiallymyunderwear,butIwasjustasintrigued.Iwantedtoseewhatwould
happen.
Intheend,Ididaswasrequestedofme.Istrippeddowntomyunderwear.Then,asIturnedto
lookatmybed,curiositygotthebestofmeandIstrippedthoseoffaswell.
“Beautiful.”Itwastheonlywordthatheuttered,butitmademesmileasIclimbedontothebed
andgotcomfortable.
Aspromised,heturnedontheTV.Itwentalongwaytocalmmynerves.
“Iknowthiswillprobablybeuncomfortable,butIwantyoutospreadout,likeastarfish.”
I’dcomethatfar.Itookadeepbreathandspreadout.Therewasn’taninchofmethatwasn’t
bareforhimtosee.Itwasnerve-racking,butitalsoturnedmeon.Alot.Beingthatvulnerableinfrontof
amanlikehim.Ihadtobehonest;Ineversawthatcomingwithhim.Hewasvery…Alpha.
OnlyafewmomentspassedbeforeIfeltthebedshiftingunderhisweight.Hewastowardthe
headofthebed,outofmyeyesight.
“Noworries,”hesaid.“I’mstillfullyclothed.That’showI’llsay.Okay?”
Inodded.Ilikedthathewasgoingoutofhiswaytomakemecomfortablewith…whateverthat
washewasdoing.
Thebedshiftedagainandtheweightwasclosertomytorso.ThenIfelthimstraddleme.Ifelt
warmhandsfirstonmyshoulders.Theywereslickwithoil.Aloudmoaninvoluntarilyescapedwithhis
firstsqueeze.ItwasthenthatIdiscoveredhisplan.Sweet,sweetmassage.Yes.
Theoilveryquicklyrevealeditselftobeoftheself-heatingvariety.Thekindthatwarmsasyou
rubitin.Thecombobetweenhisamazinghandsandthatmagicaloilwassomethingdreamsweremade
of.Itwasperfection.
“Doesthisfeelokay?heasked.
Myonlyresponsewasaloudmoanashishandsgrippedmyshouldersagain,histhumbspressing
directlyintothetensespotsjustbehindmyshoulder.
“I’lltakethattobeafirm,‘yes’.”
Ionlynodded,moaningmmhmm.
Alex’smovementswereslowandsteady.Hishandswerestrongandmeticulous.Therewasno
talkingashemassagedhiswaydownmyback,payingcloseattentiontotheareasthatfeltthetensest.He
workedhiswayaroundmyback,downmysides,andthendowneacharm.Norushing.Noplacesmissed.
Justashefinishedthetopofmyhips,heleanedoverme,hisbodyhoveringabovemine,but
keepingenoughdistancethatwedidn’ttouch.Hislipsfoundthesensitivejuncturewheremyneckand
shouldermeetasheplacedakissthere.Itwasmorethanthesweetkissesthatheusuallyplacesonmy
forehead.Thisonelingered,theheatofhismouthmeetingmyskin.Mybodyimmediatelyshiveredin
response.Withmylegspartedinthewaythattheywere,nothingcoveringthemostintimateplaceonmy
body,thatkissfeltevenmorepotent.
“I’mmovingdowntoyourfeet,beautiful.Isthatokay?Doyouwantmore?Onyourback,I
mean.”
Yes.Yes,Iwantmore.Somuchmore.
“I’mjustfine,thankyou.Itfeels…Ireallyhavenowords.”AndIdidn’t.Iwassorelaxed.The
exhaustionwastakingadeephold,butIstillfoundthedesireforhim.
Alexcontinuedtowork,hisstronghandsneverfeelingweakashegrippedandpressedagainst
everysorespotonmysensitivefeet.
Igaspedasheleanedforwardandkissedthebackofmythigh,mereinchesbelowthecurvature
ofmybackside.Thatsmall,simpleactionmademybodytenseandpaingrowdeepwithinme.
Hesatbetweenmylegsonhisknees,hishandsmovingincircularmotionsfrommyinnerthighs
totheoutside.Ashemadehiswayupmythighs,histhumbsrepeatedlygrazedtheplaceIhungeredfor
himmost.Heknewwhathewasdoing.Heknewitwasdrivingmeinsane,butIcouldn’tsayanything.He
saidnosexandIstillhadn’tmadeupmymind,thoughIwasabouttobreak.
HisthumbsbrushedmeagainandImoanedasmyhipsinvoluntarilylifted.Ifeltembarrassed,
butalsoverybraveatthatmoment.
HMM,hemoaned.
Hishandsgrippedmybackside,massagingandmovingslow.Mybreathswerecomingheavier,
myheartpoundinginmychest.Ifeltmyselfgrindingagainstnothingasthepaingrew.TherewasnothingI
wantedmoreinthatmomentthanforhimtotouchme.
Please,Ithoughttomyself.Please.
Alex’sfingersslippedbetweenmylegs,earninganothergaspfromme.Iwascaughtbetween
needandadisbeliefthatitwashappeningatall.Afterallthetimewe'dspenttogether,Icouldn’tfathom
usmovingontothisstage.Wewerebestfriends.Iwasveryseriousaboutmynodatingrule.Sure,ithad
occurredtometohaveabeneficialfriend,butIneverinathousandyearsthoughtitwouldbeAlex.Right
then…Iwasincrediblygratefulthatitwas.
Icriedoutashemovedhisfingersinsideofme,hisbodyonceagainleaningovermeandhis
lipspressingagainstmyear.Hekissedthesensitivespotbeforepullingthelobeintohismouthand
suckinggently.
“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”hewhispered.
“Yes!”Isaid,myvoicerushedasIgaspedforair.
Hesaidnothingelse,onlygavealowmoaninresponsetomyexcitement.Overandoverhe
kissedmyface,neckandshouldersashemoved.WhenIfoundrelease,veryshortlyafter,hebegan
kissingmybackashegentlyrubbedmyhipstocalmme.
“Readyforbed?”heasked.
Inodded,incapableofmuchelse.
“Goodgirl.Goaheadandflipoveronyourbackandcomeuptotheheadofthebed.Closeyour
eyesandI’llrubyoudownuntilyoufallasleep.”
“Whataboutyou?”Iasked,barelyabletokeepmyeyesopenatthatpoint.
“Itoldyou…Thiswasallaboutyou.Now,beagoodgirlanddoasIasked.Liebackandrelax.
Youspentaveryharddaytakingcareofeveryoneelse.It’stimetoletsomeoneelsetakecareofyou,
now.”
IdidasIwasasked,turningaroundandlyingdownattheheadofthebed.MyeyesclosedasI
felthimrunhishandacrossmystomach.Icouldn’trememberatimewhenIfeltsocalmandrelaxed.Alex
wasamazing.I’dneverthoughtofhiminthatway,letaloneimaginedwhathewouldbelike.Hewasboth
attentiveanddominant.ItwasthesexiestthingI’deverexperienced.
Ineededtotalktomyotherbestfriend.IneededElizabeth.IneededtofindoutwhatIshoulddo.
Ididn’twanttohurthimifthingswentbadly,butmyGod…thesexwouldbeamazing.Withoutadoubt,I
knewmymindwasmadeup.IknewwhatIwanted,butIstillneededtheadvicefromsomeoneonthe
outside.IneededtoknowifIshouldmoveforward.Ifweshouldbemorethanjustfriends.
Thenextmorning,Iwokeupalone.NoAlex.Nomassageoilleftout.Nodirtydishes.No
mess.ItwaslikeI’ddreamedtheentirething.HadI?Hmm…Irolledovertocheckmyphoneandfounda
blinkingbluelight.TherewasamessagefromAlex
.
Haveawonderfuldaytomorrow!Thankyoufor
relaxingandallowingmetogiveyouanightyou
deserved.Icleanedupandletmyselfout.Ifiguredyou’d
freakoutifIwasstilltherethismorning.Rule#1in
friendswithbenefits:nosleepingover.Textmeifyou
getbored.Bye!
Hmm…ThatwasmysecondhmmofthedayandI’donlybeenawakeforapproximatelyfive
minutes.Ireadthetextatotalofthreetimesbeforestaringoff,debatingonhowtorespond.Hewasright.
Thatwascertainlythebiggestrule,andIwouldhavefoundittoberatherintrusiveforhimtosleepover.
NotbecauseIdidn’tappreciatethedreamynightthatweshared,andIusedreamyintheliteralsense,
giventhatIwonderedifithadbeenanexhaustionfueledfantasy.No,itwasbecausethatwasabittoo
muchclosenessformyliking.
ItwasalittlestrangeandpathetictomethatIwassoworriedaboutamanstayingover.More
thanthat,IfoundmyemotionsevenmoreirrationalwhenItookintoaccountthatthemaninquestionknew
mewellenoughtoknowthetruthofmyapprehension.Isatup,holdingmyphoneinbothhands.Takinga
deepbreath,Iwentaheadtorespond.
Thanksforlastnight.Ireallyappreciateit.I’dalmost
forgottenhowmuchIactuallyenjoyedphysicalattention.
Seemslikeonlymydrunk-selfremembers.I’msorrythat
I’msomessedup.Don’tsaythatI’mnot.Haha.Iknow
thatIam,butitmeansalottomethatyou’repatientand
understandingwithit.Youdideverythingright,including
givingmethespacethatIneed.Ihavetogetreadyfor
work,soI’lltalktoyoulater.
Isentit.Alexwassuchagreatguy,butIwasn’texactlysurehowIfeltaboutit.Therewasjust
toomuchthere.IfAlexdidn’thavefeelingsforme,thenIwouldn’tcare.But,Ididn’twanttolosemy
friendifsomethingbadhappened.Ineededadvice.Icouldn’tgoatsomethinglikethatalone.
“Hey!”Elizabethsaidassheansweredthephone.“Howareyou?”
Ihadnoideahowtoanswerthat.“I’mgood,”Isaid.Icouldhearthehesitationinmyownvoice.
Iknewthatshewould,soImovedonquicklybeforeIlostmynerve.“IhavesomethingthatIneedtotalk
toyouabout.”
“Oh?Iseverythingokay?”sheasked.
“Uh…Debatable.Well,yes.Yes,everythingisokay.I’mjustveryconfused.Idon’tknowhow
tohandlesomethingthat’shappened.YouknowhowIamwithmenandallthat.”
“Yeah.Youdon’t.That’show.”Shelaughedathercomment.
Shewasn’twrong,exactly.
“It’sAlex,”Iblurtedout.
IwishthatIcoulddescribeandputintowordsthesound,theshrieking,thatcamefromtheother
endofthephone,butit’simpossible.
“Tellmeeverything.Tellittome.Tellittome,now!”shesaid.Icouldheartheincessantsmile
inhervoice.Shewasfartooexcitedformyliking.“Whathappened?Comeon!”
Irolledmyeyes.ItwasatthatmomentthatIunderstoodwhyshealwaysrolledhereyesatme.
Damnit.She’dalwaysbeenright.Iwassuperfrickin’annoying.ShewastakingeverythingI’dgivenher
aboutJaxandthrowingitrightbackatme.Idon’tthinkshediditonpurpose,butIcouldhonestlysaythat
herabsentmindedpunishmentrightthenwasmorethanenoughtomakemewanttoneveractlikethat
again.Dulynoted.
Onceshewasdoneshriekingandactinglikeme,Itoldherabouthowwe’dhungoutandthatI’d
gottendrunk.Itoldherallabouthowthetopicoffriendswithbenefitscameabout,andthathecameover
lastnightto…pamperme.Onhisownaccord,ofcourse.WhenI’daskedhimtocomeover,Ididn’tmean
forittoturnsexual.Ididn’tnotmeanforittoeither…MaybeIdidmeanforitto.Ididn’tknow.
“Thisisthebestthingever!”Elizabethshrieked.“Ican’tbelievethis!”
“Youcan’ttellJax,”Ipleaded.“Iknowthatyouthinkthisisgreat,buttheseboysaredifferent.
Theyaren’tnormalmen.Alex,though…There’ssomethingabitdarkerinhimthanJax,Ithink.Still,I’m
worriedabouthurtinghim.YouknowI’mincapableofanythingrelationship.”
“Relationshipy?”sheasked.“Look,youneedtostopthismess.Justbehonestwithhim.As
longasyouarehonest,makesuretokeepanopenlineofcommunicationbetweenthetwoofyou,and
don’tpurposelydoanythingshady,whichisnotinyournature,thenyou’llbejustfine.Honey,you
worryfartoomuch.I’vebeentellingyouthisforalongtime.Ijustdidn’tunderstandituntil
everythinghappenedwithKevin.Oh,crap.”
“What?”Iasked.“What’swrong?”
Therewasshufflingontheothersideofthecallbeforeamasculinevoicespoke.
“Hey,Andi,”Jaxsaid.
Oh,crap.IthenunderstoodwhyLizhadsaidsomething.
Ilaughednervously.“H-hey,Jax.How’sitgoing?”
“Good,actually,”hestarted.“Don’tbemadatElizabeth.Iwasworkingonsomethinginthe
otherroom,andIoverheardtheconversation.”
“Isee,”Isaid.“Well,let’shaveit,then.”
“Thefactthatyou’reworriedaboutAlextellsmethatyoudocareabouthim.Thatmeansthat
everythingwillbejustfine.Hehasfeelingsforyou.Hehasforawhilenow.He’salsoamanthat
hasn’tbeeninarelationshipinalongtime,asyouareabeautifulyoungwomanthathasn’tbeenina
relationshipinalongtime.Neitheroneofyouwantanythingserious–”
“That’salie,Jax.IknowthatifItoldthatmanthatIwantedarealrelationshipwithhim,he
wouldjump.NotbecauseI’mthemostamazingwomanintheworld,butbecausehe’shintedaroundatit
forsolong,”Isaid.
Helaughed.Hewasalwayssohappy.Ihadnoideahowhemaintainedthatlevelofexcitement
aboutlife.
“Youdidn’tletmefinish,mydear.Iwasactuallygettingtothatpoint.Neitheroneofyouwant
anythingserious.Ifhecan’thaveyouinatraditionalrelationship,hewantsnothingwithanyone.He
alsohastrustissues,butthat’soneofthebigreasonswhyhetrustsyou,themutualrespect.That
doesn’tmeanthatheisn’tcapableofhavingasexualrelationshipwithsomeone.I’mnottryingtobea
wingmanformybrotherjusttogethimlaid.Ithinkyouknowme,andhim,wellenoughtoknowthat
wearen’tlikethat.It’spainfullyobvious,however,thatyouwanttodothis.Ifyoudidn’t,thenyou
wouldn’thavecalledElizabethandaskedforadvice.Asolidnoisasolidno.Youwantthis.Heclearly
does,too.You’rebothconsentingadults.LikeElizabethsaid,stayhonestandeverythingwillbeokay.
Hell,tellhimthatit’strial-basedonly.Giveitatimeframe.Ifit’sgoingbadlythencutitoff.Hewill
understand.Alexisn’tthedelicatefloweryou’dliketothink.Amancanbesensitiveinnatureand
sensitivetoawomanandherneedswithoutbeingatotalvagina,foralackofbetterwords.”
Everythingthathesaidmadeperfectsense.Itwashisbrother.Ofcourse,he’dknowAlexbetter
thananyoneelse.Theyweretwins.Isighed.
“I’lllaydownsomegroundrules.Thatway,I’llknowweareonthesamepage,”Isaid.
WefinishedchattingabitaboutthesituationbeforeIhappilychangedsubjectsovertobaby
Hunter.HewasthecutestlittlethingI’deverseen.Icouldn’twaittoseehimagain.Ihadn’tseenhim
sincehewasamonthold.Itwasn’tlongafterthattheymovedupnorthtobewithDesiree,Aiden,and
theirgrowingbabybundle.AllthebabytalkandhearingbabyHuntercooingoverthecallmademy
biologicalclockticklouderandlouder.OneofmyovariesnearlyexplodedeverytimeIheardhimlaugh.
Sheaskedaboutthedresses,andItoldhertheywerecomingalongprettygoodsofar.Ineeded
toworkfaster,butIstillhadagoodstart.Theywouldabsolutelybedoneontime,butIwantedtoget
themdonewayearly.Justincase.Therewasalotmorebeadandcrystalworkthananticipatedoncewe
gotplanning.
“Okay,”Isaidoutloudtonoonebutmyself,preppingtostandandgetreadyforwork.
AsImoved,Irealizedthatmybodyachedalot,butitwasn’tnearlyasbadasIthoughtitwould
be.Alexhaddoneawonderfuljob.Aftergivingmybodyagoodstretch,Iheadedintotheshower,
completelyhavingforgottentograbatowel.Oh,well.Benefitsoflivingalone.
OnceI’dfinished,Iheadedouttothelocalbakeryandgrabbedaboxofvariouskindsofdonuts
forthegirlsinmyunit.IfIknewmypatientwasnon-diabeticandonnormalfoods,I’dsometimesslip
themtotheonesthatwereextrasweettomeormygirls.Noreasontobeevenmoremiserable.
Thegirlswereexcitedtoseeme,nodoubthavingseentheboxinhandassoonasIsteppedoff
theelevator.Suckups.That’sokay.I’dpledgemyundyingloveforanyonebringingdonutstome,too.
“HaveItoldyouthatyou’remyfavorite?”Jessicaasked.
Shewasonmyfloorthatday.ThirdfloorandICUweretogether.Iwouldbefloatingbetween
thetwo.Jessicawasthechargenurseonthree.I’dbecheckingonher,butI’dspendmostofmytimein
ICU,asusual.Iwasgladthatshewasthere.Itgavemetheopportunitytothankherforallherhelptheday
before.Iwasfeelingquiterefreshedafterthenightbefore.Itonlyfurtherpushedmetothinkthathaving
funwithAlexwasawonderfulidea.
“Nope,yousurehaven’t,butyou’recertainlyoneofmine.Thankyousomuchforeverythingyou
didyesterday.Icouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyou,”Isaid.
Jessicasmiled,thegestureclearlymeaningsomethingtoher.“Noproblem.Itwaskindof
awesomewatchingyouwork.IknowyouhadsometroublebecauseofLittleAndi,butyoudidgreat.Ifit
weren’tforyou,shewouldn’thavemadeit.Infact,IdecidedthatI’mgoingtogobacktoschool.”
“Really?”Iasked,myeyeswide.“Jessica!That’samazing!”
Herexcitementgrewtenfoldassoonasshesawmine.Isatthedonutsdownonthedeskand
gaveherahug.
“Thatiswonderful!I’msoproudofyou.You’lldogreat,”Isaid.
SoonaftercheckinginforreportwiththenursethatIwasreplacing,Imademyroundsto
meetmypatients.MostofthemwerechildrenthatI’dmetthedaybefore.Onlythreewereadults,
includingtheunfortunatesoulthathadcausedtheaccident.Iwashappytoseeevenmoregoodiesinhis
room.Itmademehappythathewasbeingtakencareof.
Thatday,IwasveryhappytobeinICU.IgottositwithLittleAndi.HerfathercalledmeOld
AndiwhenIwalkedintheroom,andIknewoneoftheothernurseshadrattedmeout.Ilaughed.Ididn’t
mind.Itoldthemalltocallmethatsinceshepickeditoutforme.Ididn’tmindatall!
Severaltimesthroughouttheday,whenIhadsomedowntime,ItextedAlex.Idecidedtogeta
feelforwherehisheadwas.Itseemedlikehestillfeltthesame.Itwasveryimpressivehowcasualhe
wasbeing.Veryimpressive,indeed.Atlunch,hecalledme.
“What’sup,buttercup?”heasked.
Ilaughed.“You’readork.Ijustgotsatdowninmycar.I’vebeensnackingatthestation,soI’m
notreallyhungry.”
“Soundsgood.Let’syouhearmysultryvoice,”hesaid.
Irolledmyeyes,asmileonmylips.“Again…dork.Anyway–Ithinkweshouldtalkaboutlast
night.”
“Oh,no,”hesaid.“You’renotgoingandgettingclingyalready,areyou?Man…Whata
shame.”
“Idon’tthinkyou’recapableoftakinganythingseriously,”Isaid.“Iwasactuallygoingtosay
thatIthinkweshoulddoit.”
Hestartedtosaysomethingsmartagain,butstopped,likemywordsactuallyhithim.
“Really?”heasked.“Imean,don’tgetmewrong.I’mexcitedashell.Ijustdidn’tthinkyou’d
givein.Lastnightwasmejustwantingtohelpyourelax.Iknowhowharditwaswiththatlittlegirl.”
Ishrugged,eventhoughhecouldn’tseeit.“Ididn’tthinkyou’dbeabletodoit.Keepadistance.
I’mactuallyveryimpressed.You’venotbeenweirdaboutitatall.I’dforgottenjusthowmuchofastress
relievergoodsexcouldbe,andwedidn’tevenhavesex.”
“IfIdidthatwithmyhands,imaginewhatIcandowitheverythingelse,”hesaid.Icouldhear
thesmileinhisvoice.
“Youaresofullofyourself,”Isaid,pokingathim.“Ihaveafewrules.”
“Oh,byallmeans.Tellme.”
“Nosleepingover.Nosupermushystufflikesendingroses,nolovenotes–thoughsexyor
naughtythingsarefine.Iwouldsaynofamilygatherings,butyourmotherandIaredamnnearascloseas
Elizabethandme.She’dmurdermeifIquitshowingup.Plus,mybestfriendisgettingmarriedtoyour
brother.So,thatoneisokay.Idon’tplantosleepwithanyoneelse.Atall.Iseenopoint.Plus,I’vebeen
thislongwithoutaltogether,Idon’tseeapurposeinmefinallygettingsomefromonehotguyandgoingto
findmore.Thatbeingsaid,I’denjoythesamecourtesy.NotbecauseIwanttotieyoudown.Idon’t.We
aren’ttogetherinanywayshapeorform.However,IhavebeenonthereceivingendofapotentialSTD
whenmyex-husbandwassleepingaroundwithsomeslutbucket.Thisrequestisonethatispersonaljust
becauseI’dliketoknowwearebothclean.So,whileIcan’tofficiallyaskyounottosleepwithanyone
else,Icanaskthatyoubehonestandtellme.Ijustwanttostayinformedincasesomethinghappens.
Neitheroneofusaresurprised.Um...Notalkingaboutittootherpeople.JaxandElizabethknow,but
that’sall.”
“Youhavenothingtoworryaboutwithmesleepingwithanyoneelse.I’minthesameboat.I
haven’tbeenwithanyoneinawhile,thereisnopointindoublingupwhenIhaveexactlywhatIwant.
Literally.YouknowhowIfeelaboutyou.I’mnotgoingtothrowanythingaway,nomatterhowsmall,just
togetsomethingfarinferior.Also…Mybrotherknows?”heasked.
“Thankyou.Ireallyappreciatethat.Iknowthatsoundsselfish.Myrefusinganytypeof
relationshiponlytosay…‘Oh,bytheway,Ihavesomerulesforya.’Seemscrappy.AsforJax,thatwas
myfault,”Isaid.“IkindatoldElizabeth,andheoverheardustalking.”
“Wow.IwasagoodboyandevenIdidn’ttellhimandlookatyou!”Hetskedmeafewtimes,
pickingonme.
Hewasrelentless.
Wecontinuedtalkingduringmylunch.Itwasnice.Notallofitrevolvedaroundrules.Iwasn’t
thatboring.Someofitwasactuallyfun.Idecidedtobeabitboldandaskedwhatkindsofthingshe
enjoyedtobepamperedwithinthewayhe’dpamperedme.Itwaskindofafunconversation.Very
differentforme.Ithadbeenawhile,notalongtime,butawhilesinceI’dtalkedtoanyoneaboutanything
likethat.Icouldn’thelpbutlookforwardtowhatwasahead.Or,shouldIsay,whatwasaheadforme
thatnight.
Alex
Beingarookiehaditsprosandcons.Ididn’tminditmostdays,butothersitwasunbearably
hard.ThecrapworkthatIgotstuckwithquiteoftenwasnopicnic,butthatwasjustpartofit.Thenewbs
gottreatedlikeshitmostdays.
Itwouldpass.
Therewouldbesomeonenew.
Theywouldbethenewpeon.
Thecyclewasnever-ending,andI’ddecidedearlyonthatIwouldmorethanlikelynotbeoneto
joininonallthe“fun”whenthathappened.I’dneverbeenthetypetothinkhazingwasallthatfun.Iwas
the“treatothershowyou’dprefertobetreated”type.Idon’tliketakingbull,I’msureashellnotgoingto
giveit.
ThingswithAndihadbeenwonderful.Ithadonlyjuststarted,butIwasalreadyhavingalotof
fun.Beautiful,intelligent,witty,incrediblysexy…Shewaseverything.IfellforthatgirlthemomentI
sawher.Shewasspunky.She’dbeenoverzealousinhelpingElizabeth.Lizhadbeengoingthroughahard
timeandAndiwantedtohelp.Sheapproachedusandtwoofourlecherousfriendswithabsolutelyno
hesitationatall.
JaxandIchasedthoseassholesawayandwegotthepleasureofspendingtimewiththem.I
lovedherspirit.Shewasalittledangerous,orseemedthatway,givenherrecklessabandonforsafety
whenapproachingastrangeman,letalonefour.AfterIgottoknowher,Irealizedshewasjustanormal,
sweetgirl,butwithafeistystreak.Ilovedit.SheandIhadalotincommoninthatarea.
Theplanwasformetogotoherhouseagain.ThenightbeforewaseverythingI’dhoped.I’ma
giver.Iliketomakesuremygirliswelltakencareof,evenifsheisn’ttechnicallymygirl.Shewasstill
anangelandonethatspentthedayheartbrokenandworried.
Nursesareamazingpeople.Sure,therearegoodandbadineverybunch,butthatisnota
professiontobetakenlightly.Andiisadamngoodperson,andIwasremindedofthateverytimeshetold
methingsaboutherday.Thatlittlegirlcompletelystoleherheart.Itbrokeminetoseehersoanxious
overit.
Joey,mytrainer/partnercalledmeover,pullingmefrommythoughtsofAndi.Iwantedtoplan
thenight,butitseemedthatworkcalled.Itwasforthebest.I’dprobablyoverplanitandoverstepmy
boundaries.Thewholethingwasgoingtotakesomegettingusedto.Payattention,butnottoomuch.Be
sweet,butdon’toverdoit.Makeherfeelspecial,butdon’tgettooclose.ItwastruethatIwasfully
capableofbeinginthefriendswithbenefitstypeofsituation,butI’dneverdonethatwithsomeoneIhad
anyrealfeelingsfor.IfIthoughtshe’dsayyes,I’daskhertomarryme.Itwouldbeatestofpatienceand
mentalfortitude,forsure.
“What’sup,Joey?”Iasked.
Iimaginedthathewouldhavesomemundane,annoyingtaskforme.Cleaningthetoilets.Coffee
run.Harassingsomeoneelseinthestationforsomethingthatdoesn’texist.Youknow…Anythingthat
doesn’trelatetopolicework.
“Wehavetomakearun,”Joeyreplied.
IdoubtIhidtheshockonmyface.Ididn’tgetthechancetogooutoften,evenwithbeing
assignedatrainerandpartner.Igrabbedmykeysandstraightenedmyuniform,thoughIknewitwas
alreadyperfect.
“What’sitfor?”IaskedasIfollowedhimout.
“Wehaveadomesticsituationat1215Berkshire,”heanswered,pushingtheexteriordooropen.
“Thatsoundsfamiliar.”Icouldn’tplaceit,butI’dheardthataddressbefore.
Joeydidn’treplytomycomment.Ididn’treallyexpecthimto.Heclimbedintothedriver’sseat
asIshutthedooronthepassenger’sside.Trafficwasn’tthattight,whichmadeitmucheasierforusto
weaveinandoutofthevehiclespullingovertotheside.Sillyasitwas,Istillhadn’tgottenoverthecool
factorofbeingabletohitthelightsonthetopofthecarandgo.
Ifeltmyphonevibrateinmypocket,andIhadafeelingitwasAndi.Theurgetolookwasinthe
backofmymind,butImanagedtorefrain.Joeyturnedoffthelightsandsirenbeforehittingtherightturn
signal.WepulledontoBerkshireandtheaddresspoppedintomyheadagain.Ithitmelikeabrick.That
wastheaddressofoneofmyex-girlfriends.Sara.
Sarahadalwaysbeenagoodgirl,butgotmessedupwithsomebadfriends.Thosebadfriends
gotherintobadthings.Drugs,drinking,evenstealing.Iwantedtohelpher,butshewouldn’tletme.I’d
heardshecleanedup,butafterhercheatingonmetogetdrugsandrunningofffordaysorevenweeksata
time,Icouldn’tfathombringingthepossibilityofthebadthingsbackintomylife.
WepulledintotheapartmentparkinglotandJoeyun-holsteredhisgun,inspectingit.Hedidthat
everytimehegotoutofthecaronacall.Hisexpressionwashisstandard“game”face,butsomething
seemedoff.
“Whatdidtheysaywhenthecallcamein?”Iasked.“Youneversaid.”
Healmostnevertoldmeanythinguntillastminute.
“The911operatorsaidthatawomanwastrappedinherapartmentbyanabusiveboyfriend.She
wasabletomakethecall,butthatwasit.Hefoundherwiththephone.Wearewaitingonbackup,”Joey
replied.
Stilldidn’thaveaname.Itwaspossiblethatitwasn’there.Afterall,therewerealotof
apartments.Sixteenperbuildingwithfivebuildings.Itwashardtosayjusthowmanywerefilled.Itried
tocalmmyself,butthebadfeelingwasgrowing.
We’donlybeenthereforacoupleofminuteswhenthreeothercarspulledinbehindus.Joey
pulledonhisdoorhandle,andIfollowedhislead.ShawnJackson,oneoftheothertenuredofficers,met
usatthebackofthecar.AsI’dfigured,Iwasplacedlastinlinewhentheplanwasmadetoproceed
towardthebuilding.Thatkindofthingdidn’tbothermebecauseitwasforsafety,thoughIknewthatI
wouldlikemyjobsomuchmorewhenIgottoactuallybepartofthefun.Thelandlordwastherewitha
key,inthelikelyeventthattheabusiveboyfriendwouldn’topenthedoor.
Shawnwantedtogivethemanachancetorespondtohim.Manytimes,theabusivemanwould
simplyopenthedoor,astheywereafraidtomakeitworseonthemselves.Othertimes,therewasa
hostagetypesituationwherehewouldrefusetolethergo.Ihopedthatwouldnotbethecasetoday.
Theapartmentbuildingatwo-storyandwaseightapartmentslongforatotalofsixteen
apartments.Thestairwellsseparatingthemwerewideopenanddescendedonthenorthandsouthsides.
Severalofficerstookthestairwellonthesouth,andJoeyandIwereatthenorthsidewithafewothers.
Shawnmadehiswayup,knockingonthedoor.
“Police!IamOfficerShawnBrinkley.”
Iheardavoicefromtheotherside,butIwastoofarawaytomakeanythingout.Withonefooton
thebottomstep,IfollowedJoey’sleadandremovedmygunfromitsholster.Ihelditsteady,safetyon,but
aimedtowardthegroundinfrontofmeasIwatchedthedoorintently.
“What’syourname?”Shawnaskedthevoiceontheotherside.
TherewasapauseasIheardthevoiceagain,butcouldn’tmakeitout.
“Hi,Keith.LikeIsaidbefore,mynameisOfficerShawnBrinkley.Iwassentherebecauseofa
911callwereceivedfromawomanatthisaddress.Weneedtocomeinsideandlookaroundtomakesure
thateveryoneinsideisokay.”
“No!”saidthevoiceontheotherside.Iheardthatloudandclear.
“Ifyoudonotallowusin,wewillcomeinbyforce.Wehavereasontobelievesomeone’slife
isindangerinside.Thatgivesustherighttobreakdownthedoor.Ifthatistheroadwehavetotake,Ican
assureyouthatitwillnotendwellforyou.Youwillbearrestedandextrachargeswillbefiledagainst
you.Interferingwithaninvestigation.Battery,ifthereisinfactaninjuredwomaninside.Resistingarrest.
Kidnapping…”
“KIDNAPPING!”Thevoicefromtheothersidehadshoutedtheword,apparentlyshockedthat
hecouldbechargedforsuchathing.Idoubtedacoupleofthosewouldstick,butShawnwasmostly
tryingtoscarehimintoopeningthedoorpeacefullyandwithoutissue.Itseemedlikeitmightwork.
Thedoorcrackedopen,slowly,thenabitmore.
“You’vemadetherightdecision,”Shawnsaid.“Keith,I’dlikeforyoutostepoutsidewithone
ofmyofficers,please.Youwillbearrested,butifyougopeacefully,thenwewilltakeyoupeacefully.”
Themanstoodthereforamomentbeforespeaking.“I’llgo,butarresther,too.She’sabouta
psychobitch.She’salyin’ass,cheatin’ass…”
“Sir,whathappensinyourpersonallifeisyourbusiness.Unlessshetriedtocauseyouphysical
harm,Icannotfilechargesonher.Therearenolawsagainstcheatingonyourboyfriend.Judgingbyhow
thehouselooksfromwhatI’mabletosee,howshelooks,andhowyoulook,I’dsaythatyouaren’tinany
positiontobemakingdemands.OnceIgetinside,I’llletyouknowhowitgoes.Now,thisisyourlast
chance.Stepoutside,orwewillcomein,”Shawnsaid,voicemuchfirmer.
Keithshookhisheadangrilyashesteppedoutside.Hemumbledunderhisbreathasheputhis
backtoShawn,hishandsbehindhimashisheadstillshookwitheveryangrywordspoken.Oneofthe
otherguys,Jake,ranupandcuffedhim.JustasShawnhadpromised,itwasarathergentleprocess.Jake
wasverysoftspoken,butfirmasheinstructedKeithonhowtomoveandwhichdirectiontomovein.
TheymadetheirwaydownthestairsasShawnandanotherofficermadetheirwayinside.Joeybeganto
climbthestairsandIfollowed.
Witheverystep,Iworriedmoreandmoreaboutthewomaninside.Itwasobviousthatshe
wasn’tneardeathorShawnwouldhaveyankedKeithoutoftheapartmentandcuffedhim,violentlyif
necessary,inordertogetinsideandhelpher.Still,he’dmentionedthatshewasinpoorcondition.Itruly
hopedthatitwasn’tSara.
“Ma’am,”–IsteppeduptothethresholdoftheapartmentasIheardShawn’svoice–“Whatis
yourname?Wehaveanambulancewaitingforyoudownstairs.Canyouwalk?”
“Alex?”Thevoicewasunmistakable,thoughIcouldn’tsaythesameforherface.Itwas
swollen,bruised,andcoveredinblood.ItcouldhavebeenmyownmotherandIwouldn’thave
recognizedher.“Isthatyou,Alex?”
Myheartsank.Itbrokemyheartthinkingaboutthisstuffanyway,butseeingitfirsthandon
someoneyouknowandonceloved,it’shorrific.Ifeltmiserable.
“Youknowthiswoman,Alex?”Shawnasked.
Inodded.“Hello,Sara.Canyoustand?I’lltakeyoudowntotheparamedics.”
“IthinkIcan,”shesaid.
Sherolledoverontoallfoursfromhersittingpositiononthefloor.Therewerethreeothermen
closetoherandnoonemoved,soIdid.Icutbetweenthemandmademywayovertohelpherstand.She
didn’tseemtobeverystable,thoughIdoubtedthatmostpeoplewouldbeaftertakingtheabuseshehad.
“I’msorry,”shesaid.“Icanstand,butI’msodizzy.”
“Youmighthaveaconcussion,”Itoldher.“Justtrytostayawake.Let’sgetyoutothe
paramedicsandtheyshouldbeabletofigureallthisout.”
Wewalkeddown,everystepslowandfocused.Shewasveryunsteady.Herentirebodywas
shivering.Oneoftheparamedicshelpedmegetherinthebackandsecureher.
“Isthiswhatlifehasbeenlikeforyou?”Iasked.
Tearswelledinhereyesandshenodded,forcingdropsofmoisturetorolldownherfaceand
leavestreaksinthedriedblood.
“Itwasn’talwayslikethat,”shestarted.“Hewasgreatwhenwefirstgottogether.Hejustgot
reallybadlateron.Iswear…Youwerethebestthingthateverhappenedtome.Thisiskarmafor
everythingI’vedonewrong.I’msosorry.”
Isqueezedherhand.“Shh.Don’tworryaboutthatnow.Thisisn’tkarma.Thisissomeonebeing
aterriblepersonandhurtingthepersontheyclaimthattheylove.”
“Isn’tthatwhatIdidtoyou?HurtthepersonthatIsaidthatIloved?”
Isighed.“Yes,butthat’sbeenalongtime.Don’tthinkaboutthat,now.It’sinthepast.Justworry
aboutgettingthatheadofyourslookedat,okay?”
Shenodded,moretearsrunningdownherface.“Thankyou.Thankyoufornothatingme.Iwas
sosurprisedtoseeyou.I’msohappyyou’redoingwell.IfeelembarrassedthatthisishowIranintoyou.
Ihavenothing.Idon’tevenhaveacar,oraplacetogo.”
Myeyesnarrowedasmyover-sizedheartgotintheway.“Youdon’thaveanywheretogo?At
all?”
Shegavealightshakeofherheadastheparamedicbegancleaninguptheheadwounds.“Not
muchhaschanged.I’vebeencleanforalongtime,butmyfamilystilldoesn’ttrustme.Istillhavenoone
toturnto.”
Therewasawarbetweenmyheadandmyheart.Ihadnoromanticfeelingsforthegirloneway
oranother,butIdidhavesympathy.MyheartwasbeggingmetodothesamethingforherthatI’ddofor
anyonethatIknew.Giveheraplacetostay.Myhead,however,toldmetorunscreamingawayfromher.
ThatIowedhernothing,andthatIhadnobusinessbeingaroundher.Besides,howwouldAndifeelabout
mehavinganex-girlfriendlivingwithme?Probablynotthatgreat.
Still…Icouldn’tleavesomeoneoutinthecold.Especiallywhentheyweresovulnerable.Keith
wouldundoubtedlygetoutofjail.Thenwhat?Themostlikelythingtohappeneverytimeanabusergets
releasedafterbeingarrestedfordomesticviolenceiswhat?That’sright…Togobackanddoitagain.To
teachthemalessonforcallingthecopsinthefirstplace.It’snevergood.
“Ifyouhavenowhereelsetostay,thenyoucanstayatmyplace.Ihaveanextraroom.One
month.That’sthelimit.”IhadafeelingI’dregretthatdecision,butIwouldfigurethatoutlater.Atthe
moment,Iknewthatshemorethanlikelyhadaconcussion,butwouldbereleasedtogohome.Evenwith
nohometogoto.
Hereyeslitup.“Really?I’msosorry.Ifeelterrible.Idon’twanttoputyouout.Areyoudating
anyone?Whatwilltheythink?”
HowexactlywasItoanswerthat?“I’mseeingsomeone,butitisn’tserious.Idocareforher
verymuch,though.Iwilltalktoherandexplainthesituation.Let’sjustfocusongettingyoutakencareof.
I’lltakecareoftherest.LikeIsaid…Onemonth.Youhavetwoweekstofindajob.Takeitorleaveit.”
Ihatedbeingthatstern,butIdidn’twanthertogetthewrongidea.
“Thankyou!Youhavenoideawhatthismeans.IswearthatIwillgetallthisfiguredout.You
won’tevenknowI’mthere!”
Oh,Idoubtedthat.
“Getyourselftakencareof.Ineedtogetbacktoworkbeforetheykickmyass.I’mstillnew
aroundhere.”
Ihoppedoutofthebackoftheambulanceandmademywaybackovertothecar.Joeywas
standingtherewaitingforme.
“Yougetthatallsquaredaway?”heasked.
Inodded.“Idid.She’sgettingmedicaltreatmentnow.”
“Good.We’vebeengiventheluckytaskofseeingherofftothehospitalandinterviewingher.
Wehavetotakepicturesandallthatfunstuff.Morethanlikelyduetoyourrelationshipwithher.”
“Inolongerhavearelationshipwithher,thoughIusedto.Shegotherselfintoalotoftroublea
whileback.Shesaidthatshe’scleanedherselfup.Obviously,Ihavenowayofknowingthat,butIhope
shedid.Forhersake.Ihaven’tseeninheraboutayear.”
“I’msorrytohearthat,”Joeysaid.
Thatwasthefirsttimehe’dactuallybeennicetome.Iknewmostofitwasthehazing,butitwas
stillashock.
“Let’sjustfollowthemdowntothehospitalandfindoutallwecan.Maybewecanbuildagood
enoughcaseagainsthimtokeephimthereforawhile.Clearly,hedoesn’tneedtobearoundpeople,”
Joeysaid.
Inoddedandsmiled,gratefulforhisattemptatsympathy.Ididn’tthinkIcouldhandlearibbing
rightthen.
Andi
I’djustfinishedintheshowerwhenIheardmyfrontdooropenandclose.Therewereonlytwo
peoplethathadakeytomyhouse.ElizabethandAlex,andElizabethwastoofaraway.Ihadmytowelin
hand,havingjustsqueezedtheexcesswateroutofmyhair,thoughIstillhadtinydropletsallovermy
body.Icheckedmyselfinthemirror,mymediumcoloredhairlookedalmostblackfromthedampness.It
wasamess,butitlookedgood.Sexy.Ipulledmylowerlipbetweenmyteeth,bitingdownabitasIfelta
rebelliousstreakflowthroughme.
Droppingthetowel,Iwalkedoutofthebathroomandintomybedroom.Iwasalmosttothe
closeddoorwhenitopened.Alexstoodthere,hisfaceimmediatelyglazingoverashehungrilylookedme
upanddown.Watchinghimlookatmelikethatmademyownarousalspike,mybellyfillingwith
butterflies.
Alexflungthedoorshut,theloudsoundstartlingme,butthelookonhisfacekeepingmerooted.
Hecrossedtheroominalmostnotime,hishandsgrippingmyhipsandpullingmetohimashekissedme
hard.Imoanedagainsthislipsandhegentlythrewmebackonthebed.
“I’vehadaveryhardday,”hesaid,pullingoffhisshirt.
“Oh?Youshouldletmetakecareofyou!”Isaid.Atthatmoment,IfeltterriblethatIapproached
himlikethatinsteadofgivinghimtheopportunitytotellmeabouthisday.
“Ihavemyownideasforrelievingmystress,”hesaid,voicelow,sexy.Thenagain…Maybehe
didn’tmindthatIdidn’tgivehimachancetotalkabouthisday.
Alexkneltattheedgeofthebedbeforepullingmetowardhim,mybacksidealmosthangingoff
thebed.TherewasasharpintakeofbreathasIrealizedwhathewasabouttodo.IcriedoutasIfelthis
lipsonthesensitiveskinofmyinnerthigh.Itfeltwrongtorevelinhisbadday,butitalsofeltsoright.He
wasfuriousinhisefforts,everymovemakingmegripthesheetstighterandtighter.HewasmorethanI’d
hopedfor.
He’dsatisfiedmeonce,butthatdidn’tseemtobeenoughforhim.I’dtriedtositup,readyto
striphimoftherestofhisclothes,buthepulledmecloser,whichforcedmebackdownonmybackashe
startedalloveragain.
Itwasonce,twice,threetimesbeforeheletmego.Myfreshlyshoweredbodycoveredinathin
sheenofsweat,chestheavingwitheverybreath.Wehadn’treallyevenstarted,yet,andhe’dexhausted
me.Itwasslow,butImanagedtositup,breathingstilldifficult.
“Wow,”Iforcedout.
Hesmiled.“I’mgoingtotakeashowerandcleanthisterribledayoffme.Then,I’mcomingback
foryou.”
Ibitmylipagain.“CanIjoinyou?”
“YouwereverywetandsexywhenIwalkedin.Whydoyouthinkyougotattacked?”
Ismiled.“Iwantanotherone.Iwantyou.Please.”
Hestood,loweringhismouthtomyear.“Hearingyousaypleaselikethat…Mmm.Comewith
me.WhoamItodenysuchbeauty?”
Howwasitpossibletostillwanthimsobadlyafterallthat?
Ididn’tcare.Ididn’tneedanswers.HestoodandIfollowed.
~~~
Myeyesflutteredopen,darknessstillsurroundingme.Irolledover,feelingsomeonelyingnext
tome.Hemusthavepassedout,too.He’dbeenexhaustedwhenhegottomyhouse.Itmusthavebeen
terriblebythetimewe’dfinished.Irolledagain,tryingtogetonmystomach.Theshakingofthebedon
thesecondrollwasenoughtowakehim.
“Hmm?I’mup.I’mup,”hemumbled.Hewastryingtothrowbacktheblankets.“I’mleaving.
Sorry,Ipassedthehellout.I’msosorry.”
Therewasnowayhe’dbeabletodriveinthatcondition.Igrabbedholdofhisarm.
“No,”Isaid.“Don’tgo.It’sfine,really.Idon’twantyoutodrivelikethis.I’mworriedyou
won’tmakeithome.Don’tforgetwhatcausedthatawfulcrashtheotherday.Someonefellasleepatthe
wheel.”
“You’resure?”heasked.
“I’mverysure.Liedown.You’renotgoinganywhere.Youcanmakeituptomelater,”I
answered.
“You’vegotyourselfadeal,”hesaid.“Again–Iamsosorry.”
Ipattedhisarm.“Don’tworryaboutit.Justgetsomesleep.”
“Thank…you,”hesaid.Itsoundedasthoughhenearlyfellasleepbetweenwords.“Itwasa
verylongday.Tomorrowwon’tbeanybetter.”
“Whyisthat?”Iasked.“Younevertoldmewhathappenedtoday.”
Hesighed.“Iwasactuallydreadingitabit.”
“Oh?Whywouldyoudreadit?”
“ShortlyafterIgotoffthephonewithyou,wegotacallin.Itwasadomesticviolencecall.Joey
andIwerethefirstthere,butbackupshortlyfollowed.WhenJoeyoriginallytoldmeaboutthecall,the
addresssoundedsofamiliar,butIcouldn’tplaceit.Itwasn’tuntilwewerealmosttherethatithitme.It
wasmyex-girlfriendSara’sapartmentcomplex.”
“Sara?Theonethatgotcaughtupwiththedrugs?”Iproppedmyselfuponmyelbows,turning
myfaceinhisdirection,thoughIcouldn’treallyseehiminthedarkness.
“Theveryone,”hesaid.“WhenIgotthere…Itwasamess.Glassallovertheplace.Shewas
cutup,bruisedup.Itwashorrific.Itwaseverythingthatnightmaresaremadeof.IttookeverythingIhad
nottojustpullthegunfrommyhipandshoothim.Itwasn’tbecauseitwasSara.Itwasbecausehehad
thatlittlerespectforwomen.Iwillneverunderstandwhymenbrutalizewomenlikethat.”
Thebedshiftedashesatupabit,adjustingthepillowsunderhimsohewasn’tlyingflat,butnot
quitesittingeither.
“I’msosorry,”Isaid.“Youweren’tjoking.Thatreallyisrough.Whywereyousoworriedto
tellme?”
“It’snotthatIwasworried.Iwouldneverwithholdanythingfromyou.Ijustknewthatyouknew
whathappenedbetweensheandI,andIdidn’twantyoutoworry.Shehadnowheretogo.Nofamilywill
haveherbecauseofeverythingshewentthrough.Norealfriendsbecausehe’dforcedhertogetridof
them.Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.”
Iexhaled,asympatheticsmileforming.Itouchedhisarm,followingitdownasIsearchedforhis
hand.
“Issheatyourplace,then?”Iasked.
Therewasapause.“Yes.Ihopeyou’renotupset.Ijustdidn’tknowwhatelsetodo.Icouldn’t
standthethoughtofhernothavingaplacetostaywhenshewasthatvulnerable.Theysethernoseand
dislocatedshoulderintheER.Shewasluckythatherinjurieswereeasilyfixed.Sheonlyneededstitches
onacoupleofherwounds.Therestcouldbeclosedwithmedicalglueorcleanedandcovered.Itookher
homewithme.Iboughthersomeclothesandpajamasandhelpedherwaterproofhercast,soshecould
getashower.Shewascoveredindirtandblood.Thatplacewasafilthymess.”
“Alex,pleasedon’tworryaboutme.Youdidwhatyoufeltlikeyouhadto.Ihavenoclaimover
you.Itoldyouthatbefore.Ijustappreciateyourhonesty.Iknowit’snothinglikethat,butitstillmakesme
feelgoodthatyou’resohonest.Sheneededthehelp.Ifyouhadn’ttakenherin,shecouldhavebeenhurt
wayworse.Don’tworryaboutme,okay?”
“Ifyousayso.Thankyouforunderstanding.It’sjustbeenalongday,andI’mnotsurehowto
feelaboutanything.”
“I’llgogetyousomethingtodrink.Getadrinkandgotosleep.Trynottothinkabouttheday
todayorhousingher.Tonight,you’rewithme.Tonight,noneofthatisanissue.”
Iheardalong,deepsigh.“Ilovethewaythatsounds.Thankyou,Andi.”
Asmentioned,Iwenttothekitchenandgrabbedhimsomethingtodrink.BythetimeIgotback,
hewasalreadyasleep.Isatitonthebedsidetableandcoveredhimup.Helookedsosweetwhenhewas
asleep.He’dbeensoworriedamomentago,butknowingthatIwassupportiveofhimandthathewas
herewithmeandnotathomemadehimfeelsafeandcomfortableenoughtopassbackout.
Iwasn’tsurewhattomakeofthewaymyheartstirredasIwatchedhim.Ifeltstrangestanding
therelikeacreeper,butIfeltthetugofsomethingfamiliar,butlongmissing.SomethingIdidn’tthinkI
wascapableofanymore.Ishookmyhead,clearingmythoughts.Whateveritwas,andIrefusedtoadmitit
tomyself,Ididn’tneedtobethinkingofitrightthen.
Damnit.Themainrulehadonlybeenbrokenonce,andIwasalreadyregrettingit.Orhaditbeen
thesex?Sexdidhaveawayofbringinghiddenemotionstothesurface…Evenifithadonlybeenonce
andespeciallywithmind-blowingsexlikethathadbeen.
Islidintobed,carefulnottojostleittoomuch.Ipulledtheblanketuptomystillnaked
shouldersandclosedmyeyes.Asheavyastheywere,Iknewunconsciousnesswouldsoonbethereto
findme.
Almosttwoweekshadpassedandthingshadbeengoingverywell.Icouldn’tbehappier.After
thatnight,onceI’dfeltthestirringsofthe“feels”,Itoldhimnomoresleepingover.He’daskedif
everythingwasokay,ifIwasmadathim.HowcouldIbe?Itwasmydecisiontohavehimsleepover.I’d
beensoworriedabouthimgettingintoanaccidentthatIcouldn’timaginehimleaving.Still,itdidn’t
makemydiscomfortanyless.Itrulyhatedbeingsosensitivetoallofthat.
Otherthanthemomentaryemotionaldiscomfort,AlexandIhadbeenhavingalotoffun.Hewas
quiteananimal.Therewasnolimittohissexdrive.AnytimeIwantedit,hewasreadyforit.We’dgone
tothemoviesandtherehadbeenasexscenethatwasparticularlysexy.Beforeitwasover,hishands
werecreepingupmythighs.Wesnuckawayandhadsexintheparkinglotbeforegoingbackintofinish
themovie.
I’dneverbeentheadventuroustypewhenitcametosex,buthewashardtosaynoto.Wehung
outwithhisfriendsagainlastSundaynight.WewenttoJack’sagain.Ithadbecomequitearitual.We
werehavingfunandcheeringalongwitheveryoneelseinthebarwhilewatchingthegameonthemany
bigscreenTVs.I’dgonetogetdrinks,butAlexfollowedmeup.BeforeIcouldevenorder,hepulledme
awayfromthebar,draggedmeintothemen’sroom,lockedthedoorandpushedmeflushagainstit.Itwas
sounexpected.So,new.So,fun.
We’dhadsomuchfunwithoneanotherthatitwasgettingharderandhardertofathomlosing
him.He’dbecomeevenmoreofafixtureinmylife.Iknewwhatwashappening,butIdidn’tcare.I
hadn’tyetadmitteditoutloud,asI’dbeentryingtoconvincemyselfthatitwasjustthelackofdesireto
losesuchamazingsex,butIknewthetruth.
MoreandmoreI’dfoundmyselfwantinghimtocomeoverandsnuggleonthecouchwithme.To
stayover,thoughI’dresisted.Tohavedinnerwithme.Iwantedtospendmoreandmoretimewithhim.
He’dnaturallybeenmovinginthatdirectionaswell,butI’ddonewellkeepinganarm’slength.Slowand
steady.Itwasgoingwellsofar.Iwashavingfun,sowashe.Therewasn’tanyreasontomesswitha
goodthing.Whateverhappens,happens,Isaid.
Ittooklongerthanusualtogettoworkthatmorning.Onmycommute,Iheardmyphoneding,but
Iwasunabletoanswer.ItwasafterreportthatIwasfinallyabletoquick-checkit,butIstilldidn’thave
timetorespond,whichwastrulyunfortunate.Itwasunfortunatebecauseitwasaratherstrangemessage
thatneededrespondingto.
Lastnightwasamazing.Thankyou.Idon’tknowwhenwecanagain,but
Ineedtotouchyouagain.
Mybrowsfurrowed.AllthatwasextremelynormalexceptforthefactthatAlexandIweren’t
togetherthenightbefore.Notatall.Infact,he’dtoldmethathewastootiredtocomeover.Whichwas
fine.Iwasactuallyprettyexhausted,myself.Ijustfiguredwecouldtaketheday’sfrustrationsoutonone
another.Hewasjusttootired,andIunderstood.Thattextthough…
WhenElizabethhadtalkedtomeaboutKevinlongago,myfirstinstinctwastobelievethathe
wascheating.Always.Anyofthegirlsatworkthattoldmeaboutweirdthingsthattheirsignificantothers
did,again,Ibelievedthattheywerecheating.Icouldn’tbreakawayfrommydistrust,whichwasthe
biggestreasonwhyIdidn’twanttogetromanticallyinvolvedwithAlex.Itrustedhimimplicitlyasmy
friend,butIhadnoideahowthatwouldtransferoverasasignificantother.
IfounditoddthatatextfromAlexlikethatonedidn’tringanybellsforme.EitherIwasvery
comfortablewithhimandtrulybelievedthathewouldtellmeifhewasseeingsomeoneelseaswell,orI
wasjustconvincedthattherewasanotherexplanation.Eitherway,Ididn’tfeelangryorsuspicious.
CuriousseemedtobeamuchbetterexplanationforthewaythatIfelt.
Ittookalmostalldayformetofinallygetachancetotexthimback.Ididn’twanttocomeoff
accusingbecausethatwasn’thowIfelt.Truthandhonestywasthebiggestpartofourarrangement,soI
justwantedtomakesurethatIknewwhatwasgoingon.ItwastruethatI’dgottenabitmoreattachedto
himthanIliked,butIwasstillabletofocusthroughit.Istillknewtherulesthatwehadsetwerethere.
Ihadn’tconfessedmybuddingemotions,mostlybecauseIjustwasn’treadyto.Iwasn’treadyto
committoanything.Istillneededsometimetoprocessbeforeheknew.So,ifhe’ddecidedtoseeanyone
else,thatwasn’tagainstanyrules.Iknewthat,sotherewasn’tanypointtogettingupset,butIcouldstill
askquestions.Thatwaswithinmyright.Ineededtoprotectmyself.AssoonasIgotamoment,I
responded.
Hey!Didyoumeantosendthatmessagetome?:)
I’msorrytobenosy.I’mnotupset,sopleasedon’tthinkthat.Ijust
wantedtobehonestwithoneanother.Ifyou’reseeingsomeoneelse,
that’sfine!IjustwantedtomakesureIknewwhatwasgoingon.Safety
andall.
Isentthemessageandhopedthatitwouldn’tcomeoffthewrongway.Ididn’twanthimtothink
Iwasbeingcondescendingoraccusing,butIhadalltherightintheworldtomakesurethatmyhealth
wasn’tbeingrisked.Itonlytookabouttenminutesforhimtoreply,andIwasluckythatIwasbetween
patientsbecausethereplycameintheformofaphonecall.
“Heya,”Isaid.
“Hey!I’mreallyconfused.Whatareyoutalkingabout?Whattext?TheonlyonethatIhaveis
metellingyougoodnight.Thatwasfromlastnight.”
Thatwascurious.“Well,Igotatextfromyournumberthankingmeforlastnight.Something
aboutneedingtotouchmeagain,butweweren’ttogetherlastnight.Hmm.Maybeitwasadelayedtext?
It’sprobablysomethingyousentawhilebackthatjustdidn’tsend.Ithappens.”
“I’mnotsure,babe.I’mreallysorry,though.Ihatethatitmadeyoususpectsomethingbad.I
neverwantyoutofeelthatwaywithme.ImadeapromisetoyouthatI’dtellyouifanythinglikethat
happened.Thereisn’tariskofthathappening,butIstillmadethatpromise.Iintendtokeepit,”he
said.
“Oh,Iknowthat.LikeIsaid,Iwasn’tupsetatall.Wemadetherulesandeverything,andItold
youthatIwouldn’tstopyoufromdatingsomeoneelse.It’swrongofmetodothat,sinceI’vemadeno
claimtoyou.Wearen’tofficiallytogether.It’snotfairformetomakedemandsofyou.AllIaskedwas
honestyifyoudidstarttodateanyoneorsleepwithanyoneelse.Thatwasstrictlyforsafetypurposes.I
believeyou.Actually,whenIreadit,Ineverevenhadanydoubt.Itwasweird.Definitelyastrange
feelingformetohavethatmuchtrustinsomeone.Apparently,ItrustyouwaymorethanevenIthought.”
Helaughed.“That’sagoodthing!Ilikeyoutrustingme.Iwouldn’tdoanythingtohurtyou,
Andi.Never.Ihopeyouknowthat.”
Itwasmyturntosmilethen.“Iknowit.Ijustwantedtocheckwithyou.Thankyoufortalkingto
meaboutit!”
“Notaproblem.Justsendmeascreenshot.Iwanttoseetheexactwording,soIcanlookup
throughmytextsandfindit.Honestly,Idon’tremembersendinganythinglikethat,butI’lllook.”
Acalllightwentoff,andIhadtoexcusemyselffromthecall.Iansweredthelightandsenthima
screenshotaspromised.AcoupleofhourslaterAlextextedmebacktotellmethathe’dneversentany
suchthing.He’dlookedallthewaybacktothedaywebeganplayingaround,butfoundnothingofthe
sort.Thatwascertainlystrange.Ifitwasn’tadelayedtext,andhedidn’taccidentallysendit,therewas
onlyoneotheroption.
IsitpossiblethatSarasentthatmessagetomefromyourphone?How
hasshebeen?Isshethattypeofperson?Wehaven’treallytalkedto
muchabouthersinceshemovedin,mostlybecauseyou’vebeen
spendingsomuchtimewithme.Isthatpossible?
ItwastheonlythingthatIcouldthinkof.Itmadesense.He’dlatertoldmethatshementioned
beingsorryforeverythingthatshedidtohim.Butwasshereallyvindictiveenoughtodestroysomething
thathehadjusttopotentiallygethimback?Itwouldbeeasytocatchher,sowhywouldsherisklosing
theonlythingshehadgoingforher?Whywouldsherisklosingagoodfriendandaclean,safeplaceto
staywithacopthatwouldprotectherifanyonecamelookingforher?
Iknowthatit’seasytothinkthat,especiallywhenyoudon’tknowher,
butyoudon’tknowherlikeIdo.Itwasn’ther,trustme.Sheisn’tlike
that.Besides,myphonewasbymeallnightandthismorning.Isleptin
latebeforework.Shecouldn’thavegottenmyphone.Iknowthatyou
don’tknowherverywell,butI’mactuallyimpressedwitheverything
she’sdonetoturnherselfaround.Iguessshejustneededsomeonetogive
herachance.
Mmhmm…Iwasalreadyannoyedwiththeconversation.Hewasverydefensiveabouther,
giventhathe’dtoldmehowmuchsheusedtolie.Myphonevibratedasanothertextrolledin.
Inthelasttwoweeks,she’ssecuredajobworkingfromhome.She’san
assistantforsomeone.She’salsosignedupforschool.Shestartedtoday,
actually.Itwasveryshortnotice,butIsatwithherforawhileand
helpedherwithheradmissionsworkandFAFSA.Wegotitdone.She’s
goingfornursing.Thisfirstsemestershe’stakingallofherprerequisites
online.It’sreallygreat!I’mproudofher!Youshouldbe,too.Youknow
howhardallthatstuffis,especiallygivenwhereshe’scomingfrom.
Prettyimpressive.
His“especiallies”weregettingonmynerves.Alot.Iwasn’tquitesurewhyitwasgrindingmy
nervessomuch,butitreallywas.Thattextcamefromsomewhere.Ibelievedthathedidn’tsendittome
himself,eitherbyaccidentoronpurpose,butitdidcomefromhisphone.Ithadtobeher.Thewaythathe
wasacting,she’ddoneagoodjobplantingtheseedsthatshe’dneeded.MaybeIwaswrong,whoknows?
ButtherewasonethingthatIwasgoodatandthatwasreadingpeople.Mygutwasalmostneverwrong.
Insteadoflashingoutagainsthim,likeIwantedto,Itextedhimbackandtoldhimthatwe’dtalk
aboutitthatnight.Maybeoverdinner.ItoldhimthatIdidn’twanttoargueoveritoranythingelse.My
workdayhadgottenverybusywithtwomoreadmissions,andIdidn’thavetimetoworryoverthe
mysterioussexualtextthatwasn’taimedatme,orthemysteriousex-girlfriendthatIdidn’tknowmuch
about,buthadmadeamiraculousrecoveryfollowingaterriblebeating.
Workgotprogressivelyworsewithalotofissues.Ihadapatientthathithiscalllighteveryten
minutes.Pleasekeepinmindthathewasaverymildpatient.Hehadsomepainthatcouldn’tbe
controlledandsomehowmanagedtogetadmittedtothehospital.Hewasinhislatetwenties,fully
mobile,novisiblewounds.Hispainwasinhisrightarm,soIplacedhisbedsidetableonhisleft.
Herepeatedlycallednursesintogivehimdrinks.Hiscupwasfullandplacedwellwithinarm’s
reach.Theywerealsoaskedtochangehischannelsforhimwhentheremotewasinhislap.Hewanted
shaved,helpedtothebathroom,andoneofthenursesgothiton.Whensherefusedhim,itsuddenly
becamemyturn.I’dhadaboutenough.Itoldhimthatwedidn’thavetokeephimandifhecontinuedtobe
soincrediblyrudeandlecheroustomygirls,hewouldfindhimselfdischarged.Hequieteddownafter
that,butthatwasseveralhourslater.
IwenthometofindAlexwaitingformeonthecouch.Hiscarhadn’tbeenoutside.Howhadhe
gottenthere?
“Hey!”hesaidwithabigsmile.“Howwaswork?”
“Itwaskindofterrible,butdefinitelynottheworstdayever.Sometimesyoujustgetthosereally
awfulpatientsthattakeeverythingyoudoforgranted.”
“I’msorry,sweets.Igotamovieforustowatch.Interested?”
Imademywayovertothecouch.Iwantedtositdown,butIcouldn’tuntilItookashower.The
ideaoftouchinganyofmyfurniturebeforebeingcleansedofthedaymademesick.
“Veryinterested,”Ireplied.“Whereisyourcar?”
“Oh!Sarabroughtme.Iletherborrowmycar.”
Totalconfusionwashedoverme.Hiswordshitmelikeabagofbricks,butthetoneofhisvoice
waschipper,happy.Hesoundedlikehe’dloanedthecartohismotheranditwasasweetdeedwelldone.
Mygutwasrollingover.Wasitjealousy?IthadbeensolongsinceI’dfeltit.WasthatwhatIwas
feeling?OrwasIgettingaterriblefeelingaboutsomeonethatItrulybelievedmightbeuptonogood?It
wassohardtosay,butIcouldn’tmakeahugedealaboutit,orriskhurtingAlexunnecessarily.
“Youlooklikeyou’vebeenpunched,”hesaid.“Areyouokay?”
“Yeah,”Isaid,havingnoideawhatelsetosay.“I’mfine.”
Hegavemeaknowingsmile.“Wepromisedtobehonestwithoneanother,remember?”
Irolledmyeyes.Whosestupidrulewasthatanyway?…Right.
“Yes,wedid,”Isaid,abitofannoyanceinmyvoice.EvenIcouldhearit.“Look,Iknowthat
youthinkyouknowSaraandeverything,butIhaveabadfeeling.Imeanabadfeeling.Ican’texplainit.
I’veonlymetheronce,butsomethingisn’tright.”
I’dgoneovertheretopickhimupthenightwewenttoJack’swithhisfriends.I’dmether
brieflythatnight.Sheseemedniceenough,butshewasjust…Well,awkwardistheonlywordthatI
couldfindforit.TherewassomethingaboutherthatIcouldn’tplace,butI’dletitgo.Therewas
somethingreallywronggoingonwiththattextanditbotheredmegreatly.
“Iunderstandthatyoufeelthatway,”hestarted.“Youhavenothingtoworryabout,though.She’s
agreatgirl.Shealwayswas,butshejustcouldn’tseethepotentialinherself.She’stakingaterrible
situationandmakingthebestofit.”
“Gah!She’sjusttryingtoimpressyouandstealyouaway!”Woops…Thatsoundedatad,no,it
soundedalotmorejealousthanI’dmeant.Itjustpissedmeofftohearhimdefendhermore.MaybeI
reallywaswrong,buthecouldn’tdefendherbeforeevenlookingintoit.Hewasacop,forcryingout
loud.
“Someonejealous?”heasked,asmilecreepingacrosshisface.Ofcourse,he’dthinkitwas
funny.
“No,”Isnapped.
“No?Notjealous?Remember,Andi.Honesty.You’rerules,now.Notjustmyown.”
Thepompoussmileonhisfacemademewanttohithim.Italsomademewanttokisshim.I
sighed.
“Comeshowerwithme,”Isaid.“Iwanttotalktoyouandbeclosetoyou,butIrefusetositon
thefurnitureuntilI’mcleanofthehospital.”
Heputtheremotedownandfollowedmewithoutquestion.Inthebathroom,wetookturns
undressingoneanotherbeforegettinginthehotwater.
“So,starttalking,”hesaidasheworkedshampoothroughmyhair.
“You’reright.Ipromisedtobehonest.Ijustdidn’twantittocauseanyissuesbetweenus.”
“Whatwouldcauseissues,sweets?Thereisnothingthatyoucouldtellmethatwouldmakeme
thinkdifferentlyofyou,”hesaid,placingakissonbothofmyshoulders.
“Iamalittlejealous.Idon’tknowwhy.Lately,Ihavebeenfeelingalittlebit…closerthan
usual.”
“Whyhaven’tyoutoldme?”heasked.
“Idon’tknowwhatitis.Idon’tknowifit’sthesexinfluencingmyemotions,orifit’sthefact
thatthereisanotherwoman–anex-girlfriend–livingwithyou,orifit’sactualfeelings.AllIknowis
thatI’mnotready.WhybringitupandconfuseyouandriskmakingthingsweirdifIhavenoideawhat
I’mreallyfeeling?”Itookadeepbreathafterhavingsaidthemajorityofthatinonebreath.
“Wow.”Heseemedgenuinelysurprised.“Idon’tknowwhattosay.I’mkindofshocked,really.
Youdon’thavetobeafraidtotalktome,though.YouknowhowIfeelaboutyou.Thathasn’tchanged.
Notevenalittle.Ilo…”
“Ifyou’reabouttosaywhatIthinkyouare,don’t.You’reright.Idoknowhowyoufeelabout
me.Ijustcan’tletgo,yet.IfeellikeI’montherightroad,butnotyet.Iknowit’salottoask,butplease
justlookintothetextmessage?Thereisn’tafiberofmybeingthatdoesn’tbelieveyouaboutthetextnot
comingfromyou.Iwouldn’tpressit,butsomethingisjustnaggingatme.Icanfeelitinmygut.Ifitdidn’t
comefromyoubyaccident,anditdidn’tgetsentawhileagoandonlyjustnowdeliver,thenwhothehell
sentit?Becauseitcamefromyourphone.Nodoubtaboutit.So,whosentit?Thereareonlytwopeople
thathadaccesstoyourphone.Youandher.Whetheryouwerenexttoitornot,Idon’tthinkitwouldtake
muchtosneakinifyouwereinheavysleep.”
Hefinishedrinsingthesoapfrommyhair,runninghistongueupthesideofmycleanneckandto
myearlobe.Pullingitintohismouth,hegaveagentlenibble.
“Foryou,Iwoulddoanything.I’lllookintoit.Ipromise.”
Isighedinrelief.“Thankyou.Ifyoufindnothing,IpromisethatI’llletitgo.Thatismypromise
toyou.”
Hesmiled,almostgigglingalittlebit.Myeyesnarrowedathim.
“What?”Iasked.
Hepokedmeafewtimesinthebelly.“You’rejealous.Youlikeme.Youlikelikeme,even.”
“Shutup!”Ilaughed.Ilikedtheplayfulness,butIhatedthetopic.Itwassoweirdtofeelabit
jealous.Itwasevenweirdertoadmititoutloud.“Youleavemealone.I’mnevertellingyouanything
again.”
“Oh,now.Youstopthat.Whatdoyousaythatwefinishwashingupandgetoutofhere?Wehave
amovietowatchandthenIthinkweneedtogotobed.”
“Oh,dowe,now?”Iasked.
Hisfacebecameabitmoreserious.“Wedo.NowthatIknowwhatIknow,there’ssomething
thatIwanttotrywithyou.”
“Ifit’swhatIthink,thenyoucanstayaway,”Isaid,laughingabit.
“No,no.Nothinglikethat.I’mbeingserious.Iwantyoutoletmetakethingsslowwithyou.I
enjoyourkinkyfun,butI’dlikeforyoutoletmetakeitslowwithit.”
MyfacefellasIcontemplatedhiswords.“Youmeanthatyouwanttomakelovetome.”Itwas
moreofastatementthanaquestion.
Henodded.“Yes.”
Alexleanedforwardandkissedmethen,hislipssoftandfullofemotion.Ithadbeenalongtime
sinceI’dbeentouchedinsuchaway.MaybeIcouldjusttreatitlikeanexperimentandseehowIfelt
after.Perhapsitwouldhelpmefigureoutmoreofmyfeelings,oritcouldmakethingsworse.Whoknew?
Wegotoutandhedriedmeoff.Ismiledateverytouchhemade.Hewassoverypassionateand
sweet.Hewrappedmeinarobeandwemadeourwaybackouttothecouchtowatchthemoviethathe’d
broughtover.We’donlymadeitabouthalfwaythroughbeforehebegankissingmyneck.Thenmy
shoulders.Veryquicklyweabandonedthemovietogotothebedroom.
Histouchwaseverythinghe’dpromised.Slow.Sensual.Mybodyrespondedlikealways,but
myheartandheadwarredagainstoneanotherforcontrol.Hepulledawayfromme,brushinghis
fingertipsacrossmycheek.
“Youhavenoideahowbeautifulyouare,”hesaid.“Thankyouforbeingeverythingthatyouare
forme.”
Mybreathcaughtinmythroatashecontinuedkissingmybody.AlextrulywaseverythingI’d
everwantedinaman.Iwantedtogivemyselftohimcompletely,butIstillfelttheneedtopullback.I
alwayshatedwhenwomensaidthattheycouldtellhowmuchamanlovedthembythewayhetouched
her.Thatwasneveranaccuratewaytojudgethat.Amanorawomanwascapableofconveyinganything
theywantediftheyweregoodenoughatintheartofbetrayal.Menandwomenwerealsocapableof
demonstratinggreatlovethroughsimpleactionsandgentletouches,somethingI’dlongforgotten.My
skepticismhadlongcontrolledme,butIwasslowlylettingthatgo.Forhim.Somehow,Ifoundmyself
thinkingthatsamethingaboutAlex.Thewayhetouchedmewasnothingshyofloving.
Whenitwasallsaidanddone,werelaxedinbedtogether,heononesideandmeontheother.I
foundmyselfrollingoverandplacingmyhandonhischest.Hesmiledashelookedatme,restinghis
handonmine.
“Areyouokay?”heasked.
Ismiled.“Morethanokay.Ifeelwonderful.”
“I’mglad.Thatmakesmehappy.”
“Wouldyouwanttostaythenightwithme?”Iblurtedout.Iwasn’texactlysurewhatprompted
metoask,butonceitwasoutthere,Ifelthappyaboutit.Ifeltlikewe’dsharedsomethingspecial,andI
wantedtopursueitfurther.
Alexleanedforwardandkissedme.“I’dloveto.”
Thenextfewdayswereamazing.AlexhadpromisedtolookintotheSara/weirdtextthingand
hehad.Therestillwasn’tanysignofwherethetextcamefrom,butIfeltmuchbetterjustknowingthathe
waslooking.Afterthinkingaboutit,hesaidthathefeltbadabouthowhe’dhandledthingswithmein
regardstoSara.
“IthinkIknowwhyyouweresoupset,”he’dtoldme.“Shehurtme.Weweretogetherandit
wentverybadly.Sheprovedherselftobeabadsignificantother.Maybenotabadperson,sotospeak,
butabadsignificantother.WhenIstoodupforher,IassumethatitfeltasthoughIwastakingherside
overyours,someonethathasprovenherselftimeandtimeagaintobeamazingineveryway.IfI’dbeenin
yourplaceandarandomguywashangingaroundyou,Ican’tsaythatI’dhavechosentoactanydifferent
thanyoudid.No,actually,I’dhavebeenfarworse.Iwouldhaveactedfoolish,forlackofabetterword.
You,however,wouldhaveactedverydifferentthanIdid.You’dhavetakencareofitattheveryfirstsign
ofmydiscomfort.”
He’dbeenspotonwithwhyI’dfeltsoterribleaboutit,withhimchoosingsomeonethathad
proventobealiaroverme,butitmademefeelsomuchbetterthathe’dapologizedinthatway.An
apologywasonething,butunderstandingwasmuchmore.Heseemedtounderstand.
Ihatedusingthephrase“choseheroverme.”Somethingswerejusthardtoexplainwithout
usingsomethingfamiliar.Iwasn’thistobechoosingandviceversa,butIdidexpecthimtolistentomy
reasoningasafriend,justasIwouldhis.Itseemedlikethingsweregettingalotbetterinthataspect,after
heunderstoodwhereIwascomingfromwithit.Itwasnicetofinallyhaveourcarefreefunbackagain.It
wasnicetojustletgowithoneanotherandjust…exist.Itwasrelaxingafterbeingsotenseatworkso
often.Weeachworkedwaytoomanyhourstonotallowourselvesabitofreprieve.
Speakingofreprieve…Mybirthdayhadarrived!Iquitmakingabigdealaboutitafterthe
divorce,butscrewit!Iwantedafunbirthday.Witheverythingthatwasgoingonwiththeweddingandthe
planning,ElizabethandJaxwouldn’tbedown.Itwassadforme.ItwouldbethefirstbirthdaythatI’d
havetospendwithouther,butIunderstood.She’dstillcalledandwishedmeahappybirthday…at
midnight.Shewantedtobethefirst,notthatIwassurprised.
WhenIgottoworkthatday,therewasnotone,noteventwo,butthreedozenroseswaitingfor
me.Thefirstsatonthecurbinfrontofmydesignatedparkingspot.IsmiledwhenIsawthem,hopingthey
wereforme,thenrememberingthatIworriedaboutsuchthings,sothenIconvincedmyselfthatIdidn’t
wantthemtobeforme.Iwasexhausting,eventomyself.
I’dparkedthecarandwenttosearchforacard.Ifoundthesmallwhiterectangleandpulledit
fromthevase.
Thisisthefirst,butnotthelast.
Youmighthateme,butIrunveryfast.
IlaughedwhenIreadit.Theycouldn’thavebeenforanyoneelse.Whoelse“might”hategetting
adozenredroses?Ipickedthemupandtooktheminsidewithmeonlytobemetatthefrontcounter.
Therewasanevenlargerdisplay.Thisonewasfullofwhiteroseswithsmallerbluish-purpleflowers
mixedin.Blueirises,Ithoughttheywere.Itwasastunningdisplay.
“Goodmorning!”Alice,theolderwomanatthefrontdesk,saidtome,asmilefromeartoear.
“Goodmorning,Alice!”
“Iseeyoufoundthefirstone,”she’dsaid.
Ilookedatherincredulously.Atthatmoment,Icouldn’tbelievethattherewasanotherone.He’d
brokentheruleonce.Surely,hedidn’tplantodoittwice!
Ithenmademywaytothecountertofindanothercard.Alicecouldn’tstopsmiling.Itwasas
thoughthegenerousandveryexaggerateddisplaywerehers.Ikindofwishedtheywerebecauseitwas
justtoomuch.Toosweet.Myheartswelledasthescentswrappedaroundme.
Pleasedon’thateme,
Butonewassimplynotenough.
Ihavesomuchmoreplanned,
It’sallforyoumy…friend.
Mmhmm.Frienddidn’trhymewithenough…Smooth.Verysmooth.Thatwastwicehe’donly
barelyskirtedaroundtheLword.Thefirsttimewasintheshowertogether.He’dalmosttoldmethathe
lovedme.Knowingitandhearingitweretwodifferentthings.
Alicehelpedmecarrythesecondlargedisplayofflowersuptomydesk–whereIfoundthe
thirddisplay.Thatonewasfullofwhiteroseswithpurpleedgesandbaby’sbreath.Thatonewasmy
absolutefavorite,andIhopedthatitwasmylast.Icouldn’ttakemuchmore.Myheartwasaboutto
explode.
Therosesweresurroundedwithballoons,ahomemadecake,awrappedgift–likeI’dneededit
afterwhatIassumedwasatleastatwo-hundred-dollardisplayofflowers,andanothercard.Thegirls
wereallstandingaroundthedesk,swooning.Apparently,ithadbeenAlexhimselfthatdeliveredthelast
bit.Hewantedtomakesurethateverythingwassetuptohisliking.He’dinstructedthegirlstostay
completelyquietandnotbreatheawordofit.Theysaidthatheknewthey’dtellmeifadeliveryguy
showedup.Smartman…Verysmartman.
HappyBirthdayAndi.
Youwon’tletmesayit,thoughIwishyouwould.
JustknowthatIdo.Ihopeyourdayisthebest.
Atthebottomofthecardwasatinyheartthatwashanddrawn.Hedidn’tknowityet,butit
reallywasthebestbirthdayever,andithadonlyjustbegun.Icouldn’twaittoseehim.Icouldn’tdecide
ifIwantedtoripintohimforbeingsosweet,orifIwantedtohugandkisshim.Noonehadeverdone
anythinglikethatforme.
WhenIfinallyarrivedathishousethatnight,afterwhatseemedlikeaneternityatwork,Inearly
knockedhimdownwithhowhardIwrappedmyarmsaroundhimandkissedhim.Helaughedagainstme
asIpushedhimthroughthedoorandcloseditbehindme.
“Well,hellothere,birthdaygirl.Howareyou?”heasked.
Ismiled.“You’reintrouble.Doyouhaveanyideahowinlovewithyouthegirlsatworkare?
Theyareallveryjealous.Theyarealsoveryangryatmenow.”
“Whyaretheyangry?”heasked.
“Because!Theyknewourarrangement.Theythoughtitwasagreatarrangementuntiltheymet
you!Nowtheyaredrivingmenuts.‘Whydon’tyougivethatboyachance?Whydon’tyoubenicerto
him?Guyslikethatdon’tcomearoundveryoften!Youdon’twanttomissoutonthatone.Sexyand
sweet?Youjustcan’tfind‘emlikethat!’That’sallIheardallday!”
Helaughed.“Idoapologize.NextyearI’llsendyouabagofflamingdogcrap.”
“Iwishyouwould.Itwouldbeeasiertoexplain.”
Webothlaughed.Itwassoeasytolaughwithhim.Ilovedit.Thatmanwasmagical.
“Whatwouldyoulikefordinner?”heasked.“Wecanhaveanythingyouwant.Icanmakeitfor
you,orIcantakeyouout.Whateveryoulike.”
“Oh,no,”Isaid.“You’vespentwaytoomuchmoneyonmealready.Andthegift?Concert
ticketsandbackstagepasses?Areyouserious?You’renotrich.Youdon’tneedtospendthatkindof
moneyonme.”
“I’vebeensavingforyourbirthdayforawhile.Ifyoustillweren’tdatinganyone,Iwasgoingto
giveyouabirthdaythatyoudeserved.Ididn’tevenanticipateusbeinganythingmorethantotallynormal
friends.Ididn’tthinkaboutthishappening.Thisjustmakesitmorespecialtome.”
Isighed.“You’retoogoodforme.I…”
Whoooa.
What…the…hell…
Thatwasrandom.Itwasalsopowerful.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Ialmostsaidit!Ialmosttoldhim
thatIlovedhim.Itnearlyblurtedout!
“Youwhat?”heasked,asmileonhisface.Thatsmilewasmuchbiggerthanusualandvery
knowing.“Whatwasthat?”
“Uh,nothing.Howaboutwedosomethingelseinsteadofdinner?I’mhungry,butthatcanwait.I
wantsomethingelse.”
Hiseyesnarrowed,thatsmileneverfading.“Ohyeah?What’sthat?”
Igrabbedhishandanddraggedhimtowardthebedroom.Wehadhishousetoourselves,for
whichIwasgrateful.Sarahadgonetoafriend’shousethatnight.Hesaidthatsheaskedalotof
questions,whichconfusedhim.Notbecauseoftheobvious.Iautomaticallyassumedshewasaskingalot
ofquestionsbecauseshewasactinglikeaworriedgirlfriend,buttohimitwascompletelynormaland
fine.Didn’tseemtobotherhimintheleast.Insteadofbringingitupandriskinganargumentthatwasn’t
needed,Ikeptmymouthshut.Afterall,shewasgone,wasn’tshe?Ididn’tneedtoworryaboutit.Still,I
hopedthatshe’dnevercomeback.
Oncewewereinthebedroom,Alexheadedovertothebed.Iplacedmyhandagainstthewall
anduseditforsupportasItookmyshoesoff,followedbymysocksandthenmyjeans.I’dshoweredand
changedbeforeIleftwork,soIwouldn’thavetoworryaboutitwhenIfinallygottohim.IknewIwould
bemoreinterestedinhimthananythingelse,andIanticipatedcorrectly.
Alexgaspedfrombehindme.Itwasveryquiet,butstillthere.IturnedtofindAlexadjustingthe
pillowonwhatwasusuallymysideofthebed.
“Everythingokay?”Iasked.“Awaywardpillowgettingthebestofyou?”
Hewasalwaysfluffingpillows.Itwassomethinghecouldn’tstand.Itdrovehimcrazy.
Naturally,assoonashelefttheroomI’dalwaysswitchthemtoseeifhe’dnotice.Somehow,healways
did,whichmadeitevenbetter.Icouldn’twaitforhimleavetheroom,soIcoulddoitagain.
Helookedatmethen,eyeswide.Heseemedslightlyshockedaboutsomething.Itwaskindof
strange,really,butIletitgo.
“Yeah!”hesaidveryquickly.“I’mfine!Ijust…I,uh,forgottowashthesheets.I’msosorry.”
“Aw,don’tworryaboutthat.Idon’tmind.Youdon’thavetoactsogoofyaboutit.Noneedto
impressme.Iknowyouwashedthemovertheweekend.It’sonlybeenafewdays.Mostpeoplewash
themonceaweek.Noneedtoworry!”
Ilaughedathim.Sometimeshewasaratherstrangeman.
“Actually,”hesaid.“Iamkindofhungry.Ihaven’teatenallday.Wouldyoulikemetomakeyou
dinnerfirst?Iknowyouwantedsomethingalittlemore‘fun’fordinner,butthatcancomeafter.”
Ismiled.“Realdinnerisfine.Maybewecanmakesomepizza?”
“Pizzasoundsgreat.Gograbaseatinthelivingroom,startamovie,andI’llbeinthereina
sec,”hesaid.
Hewasstillstandingbytheedgeofthebed,handsonhishipsandanervoussmile.Mygut
startedtinglingagain.Somethingfeltwrong.
“Whydon’tyoucomewithme?”Iasked.
Hisheadtiltedeversoslightlytowardthepillowbeforeheturnedbacktome.“Okay.Icando
that.”
Hefollowedmeoutoftheroom,makingsuretoturnoffthelightandclosethedoorbehindhim,
somethingheneverdid.Hisdoorwasalwaysopen.
Istartedamoviewhilehestarteddinner.Hishomemadepizzawastodiefor.Itwoulddefinitely
topthenightoff.He’dbroughtmeaglassofwine,andI’dalreadysuckeditdownbecauseofmynervous
belly.Ihatedmyself.Ihatedmylackoftrust.AndsincewhendiditflareupwithAlex?Ithadneverbeen
thatway.Logictoldmethathehadasurprisewaitingforme.Itwasmybirthday,afterall.Itmadesense!
Logically,Ibelievedthat,butmygut…IsighedasIshiftedaroundonthecouch.AsIdid,Irealizedithad
beenalongwhilesinceI’dvisitedthelittlegirl’sroom.
Istoodupandheadedtowardhisbedroom,wantingtousethebathroominthereinsteadofthe
bathroomthatSaraused.Ididn’tfeellikewalkingintheretoseeallhercrapspewedoutalloverthe
place,pettyasitwas.Iwasstillhavingissues,apparently.
“Whoa,”Alexsaid,lightlygrabbingmyhandasIwalkedpastthekitchentowardtheshorthall
thatleadhisbedroom.“Whereareyougoing?”
“Uh…tothebathroom?Youbroughtmewine.That’ssomethingthatkindofcutsrightthrough.”
“Oh.Uh,whydon’tyouusetheotherbathroom?”heasked,faceveryserious.“It’scloser.”
“Well,itwascloser,whenIwasonthecouch.NowI’mlike,maybefifteenfeetaway.”
Heshrugged,lettinggoofmyhand.“Youcanstilluseit.It’sanicerbathroom.Mine’samess.”
Ilaughed.“You,sir,arethemostorganizedmanI’veeverseenwhenitcomestobathrooms.
Besides,evenifitis,it’snotabigdeal.It’sjustabathroom.What?Areyouhidingasurpriseinthereor
something?”
Hisbrowsfurrowedforamomentinconfusionbeforehiseyeswidened.
“Yeah!That’sit.Iwantedtodosomethingniceforyou,soIdon’twantyoutogointhere.”
“YouforgetthatIwasalreadyinthere,”Isaid.Somethingwasn’taddingup.Hewasalways
smoothandsmugabouthissurprises.“Alex,you’reactingstrange.I’vetoldyouathousandtimes.You
don’thavetolietome.Youcanbehonest.Nothinghurtsworsethanbeingliedto.Ifyou’rehonest,what
doIhavetobemadat?Wearen’tarealcouple,nomatterwhatwefeelforoneanother.Thosewerethe
rules.I’mnotgoingtobeangryatyouforfollowingthem.”
“It’sbecausethere’sasurpriseinthere,Itoldyou,”hesaid.
Itookadeepbreath.“Okaythen.Ididn’twanttousetheotherbathroombecauseit’sSara’s
bathroom.Ididn’twanttodisturbhercrap.Orevenseeit,ifI’mtobecompletelyhonest.Now,canIgo
pee?”
“Ifyouwanttousethatbathroom,thenthat’sfine,babe.I’msorry.It’sbeenalongday.”
“It’sfine,”Isaid,tryingtoreadhisface.“Areyouokay?Ijust…Alex,Ihaveaverystrange
feeling.I’vehaditeversinceSaracamearound.Areyousurethereisnothingyouwanttotellme?”
Henodded.“Yes.Ipromiseyou,thereisnothingformetotell.NothingishappeningwithSara.”
God,Isoundedlikeajealousgirlfriend.Itwasawful.Thesadpartwasthatevenasagirlfriend
Ineveractedlikethat.AllI’dwantedwasagoodbirthday.Itwasn’tarealrelationship,likeI’dsaid
before,butithadbeenwonderfultoreceiveallthoseflowers.ItwasamazingtofeelforadaythatIdid
havethatlevelofloveandtrustwithsomeone.Ithadbeenthebestdayofmylife,notjustthebest
birthday.Iwasruiningitwithmycraziness,butsomethingwasn’tright.
“Okay,”Isaid.“Ibelieveyou.”
“Iloveyou,Andi.Iknowyoudon’twanttohearthat,butIdo.”
Actually,thatwasn’ttrue.ItwasonlymyhesitationthatmadeitsoIdidn’twanttoknow.In
reality,Ifeltthesame.Icaredsomuchforhim.
“Iloveyou,too,”Isaid,asmilegrowingonmyface.
Screwit,Ithought.
“Youdo?”hesaid,abeautifulsmilespreadingacrosshismouth.“Youdon’tknowwhatthat
meanstome.”
Ileanedforwardandkissedhim.“You’llneverknowwhatitmeansformetosaythat.Ido,
Alex.Iloveyou.I’msorrythatI’vebeencrazy.IgetthiswaywhenIgetthatfeelinginthepitofmy
stomach.Ihopeitgoesawaysoon.Untilthen,I’msorry.Just…Pleasecontinuetohavepatienceand
aboveall,behonest.I’llberightback.I’mgoingtogousethebathroom.Thenwearegoingtoeatand
watchamovie,andthenwearegoingtomaketherestofthisbirthdayspecial.”Ikissedhimagainbefore
flashingasmileathim.
Hereturnedmysmile.“Thatsoundswonderful.”
Imademywayintothebedroom,Alexfollowing.Heopenedhisclosetdoor,andIwentintothe
bathroom.Icheckedmyhairandmakeupinthemirror,butsomethingcaughtmeoffguard.Ilookeddown
toseeabrightpinktoothbrushnexttohis.TheneongreentoothbrushthatIkepttherewasgone.Ilifted
andinspectedit.Itwasn’tnew.Ithadbeenused,sohehadn’treplacedmine.Odd.
Ilookedoverattheshowerandthecurtainwaspulledback.InsideIsawawomen’srazorand
femininesoapsandshampoos–allused.Theyweren’tbrandnew,orI’dhaveassumedhe’dputthemin
thereforme.Myheadwasswimming.Whywouldthosethingsbeinthereinhisbathroomthatwasonly
accessiblethroughhisbedroom?
IopenedthebathroomdoorandsteppedoutjustintimetoseeAlexpullabrightred,lacypairof
pantiesoutfromunderwhatwasnormallymypillow.Ihadlacyunderwear,butnonelikethat.Thosehad
black,silkybowsonthem.Myeyesnarrowed.Thatwaswhyhe’dbeensoprotectiveoverthatsideofthe
bedandwhyhe’drefusedtoallowmeinhisbedroomtousehisbathroom.Hedidn’twantmegetting
nosyandlookingunderthatpillow.Ithadn’tevenoccurredtome,excepttoswapthemjusttoannoyhim,
asIalwaysdid.I’donlywantedtodomybusinessandthenspendtimewithhim.
“Isthatmysurprise?”Iasked,apparentlystartlinghim.He’dsomehowmissedthesoundofme
openingthedoor.
Hejumped,hiseyeswideonceagain.“Uh…”Hecouldn’tthinkofanythingtosay.
Icrossedtheroomandgrabbedthepantiesoutofhishand.Notonlyweretheynotmine,butthey
hadbeenwornrecently.Inotherwords,theywereobviouslydirtyandunderhispillow.
“Maybeyoudidhavereasontofreakoutovernotwashingthosesheets,yeah?”Isaid.“Someone
elsebeeninthemlately?”
“Iswear,it’snotwhatyouthink.”
Ilaughed.“Youmeantherearen’tlacyunderwearunderyourpillow?Thereisn’tabrightpink
toothbrushintherenexttoyours?Orabunchoffemininehygienestuffinyourshower?”
Hischeekswereturningdeepred.“What?Thereis?Andi,Iswearit.Ihavenoideawhat’s
goingon.Thisdoesn’tmakesense.Ihaven’tdoneanything!”
“Doyouknowwhat’sscrewedup?”Iasked.“Ibelieveyou!Hereisallthisbull…Allofit.All
ofitontopofthatstupidtextmessagethatyousentme,andsomehow,Istillbelieveyou!Thatdoesn’t
meanthatIdon’thaveaproblem.Wehaveaproblem,Alex.Ifyouaren’tscrewingSara,thenshe’strying
toscrewyou.Bothphysicallyandmetaphorically.Somethingisseriouslymessedup.”
“How?Shehasn’tevenbeenhere!God!Iknowyouhatethegirl,buthowcouldshehavedone
thisifsheisn’tevenhere?”
“Hmm.That’saverygoodpoint.See,youtookashoweraftersheleft.Atleast,that’swhatyour
textsclaimedearlier.So,ifthat’strue,youwouldhaveknownallthatstuffwasinthere,whichbringsus
rightbackaroundtoyoumessingaroundwithherbehindmyback.Inevercareduntiltherewerelies.
Now,I’mpositivelypissed.AllIaskedforwashonesty.”
“Therehastobeathirdoption,Andi.I’mnotsleepingwithanyoneelse,andSaraisn’tdoing
this.It’sjustnotpossible!”
RightthenIheardthefrontdooropen.ElizabethandJaxcouldn’tmakeitdown,andIwas
alreadyhere.Thatleftonlyoneotherpersonwithaccesstothehouse.Iturnedandmademywayintothe
kitchentoseeSarastandingthere.Hereyesnarrowedatmeasadarksmilespreadacrossherface,no
doubtecstaticatseeingtherageonmine.
“Youbitch,”Isaidflatly.
Alexwalkedoutoftheroomatthatmoment,andSara’sexpressiondrasticallychanged.
“What?”sheasked.“Whywouldyoucallmethat?Ihaven’tdoneanythingtoyou!”
Ilaughed.Itwasdark,angry.IwasnevermoreconvincedthanIwasatthatmomentthatshewas
deliberatelytryingtosabotageeverything.Ihadnoideaifshewasactuallysleepingwithhim,orifshe
wasjusttryingtosleepwithhim.Onewayoranother,thebitchhadtogo.Shewaspoison.
“Really?Youhaven’tdoneanything?Likeputthelacyunderwearunderhispillow,soI’dfind
them?Orallthetoiletriesinhisshower?”
“Andi!”Alexscolded.“Itoldyou,she’sbeengoneallday.Shecouldn’thavedonethis.Idon’t
knowwhat’shappening,butI’llfigureitout.Maybeit’sKeith.He’soutofjail.Maybehefoundoutwhere
sheis.”
“Areyouthatgullible?”Iasked.Iwassickofbeatingaroundthebush,andbeinginherpresence
waslikelightingmeoffire.Iwasragingangry.“I’msorrytobesoblunt,butareyou?Jesus,man!Wake
up!She’stryingtogetridofmesoshecanhaveyoutoherself!Whoelsewouldpossiblybeabletodo
this?Noone!That’swho!IfKeithfoundherhere,itwasbecauseshetoldhimwheretofindher!Which
bringsevenmoreissuesyourway.”
“Andi,”Sarasaid,hervoicesoinnocent.Shewasover-actingandpoorAlexwastooblindto
seepastit.“Please,calmdown.IwasatschoolalldayandthenIwenttomyfriend’shouse,likeAlex
askedmeto.Ijustforgotacoupleofthings.Ihadtocomebackformycharger.Shehasanandroid,andI
haveaniPhone,soIcouldn’tchargemyphoneoverthere.”
“AniPhone?”Iasked.“LasttimeIsawyou,youwereusingalittlepieceofcrapfour-year-old
android.”
Abeamingsmilespreadacrossherface.Iwantedtoslapitrightthehelloff.
“Oh!Alexboughtitforme.Hesaidthathedidn’twantmestrandedanywhereandnotbeableto
contacthim.Itwasreallyverysweet.”
Myjawdropped.Ilookedinhisdirectionandhiseyeswerefocusedonthefloor.
“That’strue,Itakeit?”Iasked.
Henodded.“Yes.”HedamnwellknewwhatIwasthinkingandhadthegoodsensenottosaya
word.
I’dlearnedtoreadpeopleovertheyears.Itjustcomeswiththeterritoryofnottrustingothers,
butstillbeingcordialandkeepingtherestbehindlockeddoors.Youlearnfacialexpressions.True
irritationwhileapersonistryingtoremaincivil,likeasmilethatdoesn’tquitereachthecornersofthe
eyesortheflaringofthenostrils.Orshock.Theeyesonlywidensofarifit’sfake.Therearejustafew
thingsyoupickup.
WhenIlookedatAlex,heseemedgenuinelyconfused.Maybemyfeelingsforhimwereclouding
myjudgment.Itwaspossible.ItwassoveryrealandverypossiblethatIcaredtoomuchtoseewhatwas
rightinfrontofme,makingmejustasgulliblewithhimandhewaswithher,butstill…Itrustedhim.He
wasn’tregisteringonmyguiltyradar.Sara,however…Oooh,Sara.Shewasaconniving,worthlesspiece
oftrash,andAlexwaschoosingthewrongperson.Shewouldonlybringhimmorepain.Thatwasit.I
couldn’thandleanymore.Icouldn’twatchhimcaughtinthemiddleanddefendher.
“That’sit!”Ishouted.“I’vehadenough.Alex–youneedtogetherlyingassoutofthishouse
andawayfromyou,orI’llneverspeaktoyouagain.She’slying.She’slyingabouteverything,andI’ll
proveit.JustknowthatifIhavetodothismyself,youwon’thaveanythingelsetodowithme.Ican’t
believethis.ItoldyouthatIlo…Itoldyou…Justlikealways,itmeansnothing.”
Onceagain,Icouldn’tbringmyselftofinishthesentence.Theverysentencethathadcomeso
easilyearlier.Twice,even.I’dmeanteverywordthen,butatthatmoment,Ididn’ttrusthim.Eitherhe
washavingsexwithherandlyingaboutit,orshewastryingtosabotagetherelationship.Itwashardto
say,buttheywerebothatfault.Herforbeingaconnivingbitchandhimfortrustingheroverme.Itbaffled
methathecouldstillbelievetherewasanotheroption.Keith.Ha!Itwasimpossible.Lyingandsleeping
withanothergirl…Ortheothergirlwastryingtoweaselherwaybetweenus.Thatwasall.Thatwasall
forme,too.
Iwenttohisroom,grabbedmyshoes,socks,andjeansandstormedoutofthehousewithout
puttinganyofiton.I’dhadallIcouldtake.Icouldn’tlookatheranymore,orI’denduppunchingherin
thethroat.AtleastthenIknewthatmystomachhadn’tbeenwrong.Notabouther,notabouttheweird
behaviorthatAlexwasdisplaying.
Nomatterwhat,theonethingintheworldthatIcouldalwayscountonwasmygut.Ijustwished
thatwasn’tthecaserightthen.Morethananything,Iwishedthatmystomachhadbeenwrong.Thatnone
ofitwasreal.Astearsrolleddownmycheeks,IslammedthegearshiftinreverseasImentallykicked
myselfforstartinganythingatallwithAlex.
Justfriends…Lies.Neitherofuswerecapableofbeingjustfriends.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.
I’drequestedthedayaftermybirthdayoffbecauseI’dexpectedtobeupallnightcelebrating.
Well,thatcertainlyhadn’tbeentrue,butIdidstayupallnightgettingwastedandworkingon
bridesmaids’dresses.Ihopedtheydidn’tlooklikecrapandthatIdidn’twasteatonofmaterial.That
wouldhavebeenareallygreatwaytokickofftheday.Iwasexhausted.Isleptinmostofit,thanking
myselfforhavinghadenoughforesighttorequestoff.
WhenIgotup,thereweren’tanymessagesonmyphone.Iwaskindofsurprised.Iimagined
therewouldbeseveralfromAlex,buttherewasn’t.Notasingleone.IwonderedifI’dbeentooharsh.I
didtellhimI’dneverspeaktohimagainifhedidn’tdowhatI’dasked.Thatwaskindofawful.Icouldn’t
believethewordshadactuallyleftmylips.Ifeltterrible,butIalsofeltstrongaboutit.Somethingwas
goingon,andIcouldn’tbackdown.Ihadtodemandrespect,orI’dneverbeshownany.
IsentAlexatextandtoldhimthatIwantedtotalktohim.Mystomachgrowled,nodoubtangry
thatitwasnearlynoonandIstillhadn’thadanythingforbreakfast.Ididmymorningroutineandthen
mademywayintothekitchenforsomefood.Myeyeswanderedtothefrontdoor,catchingsomethingoff
aboutmykeys.
MyeyesneverleftmykeysasImovedtostandinfrontofthem.Hmm.Therewerefivekey
hooks,andIalwayshungmykeysonthecenterone.OCD.Icouldn’thelpit.Instead,theywereontheone
justtotheleft.Notsomethingthenormalpersonwouldnotice,hell,onmostdaysImaynothaveeither,
butIdid.Therewasn’tmuchIwasOCDabout.Dishesinthecabinet,howtowelswerefolded,and
symmetrywhenhangingkeys.Itwasweird.Ifthereweretwosetsofkeys,theygothungonthetwo
outsidehooks.
Ipickedupthekeysandexaminedthem.Therewasonemissing.Alex’s.AsIinspectedthem,I
noticedafewclumpsofdriedmudonmyhardwoodfloor.Myheartbegantopickupabit.Therewasno
doubtthatsomeonehadbeeninmyhousewhileIwasasleep.Theyhadn’tbrokenin,though.Thedeadbolt
wasunlocked.Thatneededakey.
Sara.Ithadtobe.ShecouldhavestolenAlex’skeytomyhouseandletherselfin.
Bitch!
IpickedupmyphoneandcalledAlex.Hedidn’tanswer.Boy,wasIshocked–notreally.
Forgettingallaboutbreakfast,Igrabbedmytampered-withkeys,lockedmydoorbehindme,andranto
mycar.Ineededtotalktohimimmediately.Onlytherewasaslightproblem…Orabigone,actually.
Mytireswereflat.Every.Last.One.
“Shit!”
Irarelycussedanymore,buttheslewofcursewordsI’dbeenusinginthelastcoupleofdays
wascertainlyimpressive.Ibeganpanicking.Iinhaleddeeplyandthenexhaled.Inhaleddeeply,then
exhaled.Overandover,tryingtocalmmyself.MyhandsshookasItookthephoneoutofmypocket.I
didn’tevenbotherwithElizabeth.IcalledJax.
“Hey,sis,”hesaid.Itdidn’tmattertohimthatweweren’tactuallyfamily.Iwasstillhissis.I
lovedit.Hedidn’talwayscallmethat,butIloveditwhenhedid.Itwassweet.
“Hey,bub.Uh…Ihavesomequestionsforyou,andIneedbrutalhonesty.”
“Absolutely,”hesaid.“What’swrong?Yousoundanxious.”
“Iam.IneedtoknoweverythingthereistoknowaboutSara.Alex’sex-girlfriend,Sara.Isshea
psycho?He’sundertheimpressionshe’sagreatperson,thoughshehadsomeproblems.Heswearsshe’s
damnnearflawless,butmisunderstood.”
“Jesus.Whyareyouaskingabouther?Isshesniffingaround?”
“Well,uh,she’skindoflivingwithhim.”
TherewasaveryloudstringofcursewordspouringoutofJax’smouth.Itwasobviousatthat
pointthatAlexhadn’tbeentalkingtohistwinbrother.
“Itakeitthat’sbad,”Isaid.
“Alexneverlistenedtome.Whentheyweredating,sheconstantlytriedtopushmeout.Alexisa
greatman,youknowthis,buthe’sfuckinggullible.Hehasadamselindistresscomplexorsomething.”
“Yes!”Isaid.“Hewasoutonacallandtheyendedupatherapartment.She’dhadthehell
beatenoutofherbyherboyfriend.Hetookherintohelpher.Hesaidshe’sincollegeandworkingfrom
homeandallkindsofstuff.”
Helaughedhardandloud.“Right!AndI’mafuckingrocketscientist.IsupposeIamin
comparisontomydim,butsweetbrother.God…blessitall.Thatwomanisnotinschool.Ihighlydoubt
she’sworkingfromhomeeither.Notunlessit’sillegal.Sheprobablyhashishousefullofdrugsrightnow.
Otherthantheobvious,whydidyoucalltoaskabouther?Yousoundanxious.Hassomethinghappened?”
Tearsstartedrollingdownmyface.NotonlywasIworriedformyself,IwasworriedforAlex.
Hewasactuallylivingwiththecrazyass.ItoldJaxaboutthestrangetextfromAlex’sphoneandthenthe
nightbefore.JaxwasfuriousabouteverythingI’dseenandhowAlexhadjustblownitoff.Accordingto
Jax,Ihadn’toverreacted.Infact,hesaidthatIdidn’treactenough.
WebothagreedthatAlexwasn’ttryingtohurtme,butthathewascertainlybeingcareless
becausehecan’ttellwhenhe’sbeingliedto.
“I’mstandingatmycarrightnow,”Isaid.“Thebitchbrokeintomyhouse,stoleAlex’skeyoff
mykeyring,andslashedmytires.Ithoughttheywerejustflattened,butI’vebeenlookingthemoverwhile
we’vebeenonthephone,andshedefinitelyslashedthem.Idon’tbelievethis.WhatamIgoingtodo?
She’sbeeninmyhouse?”
“Didyouhaveanythingimportantinyourcar?”Jaxasked.
“Idon’tthinkso,”Isaid.
Iheardhimsighheavily.“Justgetinandlookaround.Popthehoodandmakesureyou’renot
missinganythingimportant.YouneedtogotoAlexandtellhimwhat’shappened.Thiscan’tbeignored.
Surely,hewillseethis.Imean,it’sobviouswhat’shappening.”
“Onewouldthink,”Isaid.“Jax,Idon’tknowifhe’sgoingtoseethisornot.Thisisbad.”
WetalkedforafewmoremomentswhileIlookedthroughmycarandunderthehood.Nothing
elseseemedtobeamiss,butthatwasn’tsayingmuch.Ididn’tknowalotaboutvehicles.Imadeamental
notetolearnintheoff-chanceIevercameacrossanotherloonytoonthatdecidedtomesswithmycar.
JaxandIendedthecall,andIattemptedtocallAlexagain.ItwasstartingtoworrymethatI
couldn’tgetaholdofhim,andIcouldn’tleave.Hadshedonesomething?Didsheplantomakeamove?
Orplantohurthim?
MyphonedingedandIlookedtoseethatitwasfromAlex.Itsaidthathedidn’twanttotalk.He
didn’twantcompany.Isentoneback,forgivemeifIdon’tbelievethisisactuallyyou.
Withinmomentsmyphonerang.“Hello.”
“It’sme,okay?Ijusthavealottothinkabout.Idon’tunderstandwhat’sgoingon.Idon’tfeel
likevisitors,andIdon’tfeelliketalking.”
“Meneither,Alex,butthereisalothappening.Someonebrokeintomyhouselastnightand
removedyourkeyfrommykeyring.Mytiresareslashed,too!”
“Didyoucallthepolice?”heasked,hisvoiceabitmoreanimated.Icouldheartheconcern.
Good.Atleasttherewasthat.
“I’mreportingittothepolicerightnow!I’mtalkingtoacop!Please,getyourassoverhere.
Something’sgoingon.Sara…”
“Please,no.Nottoday.Idon’thaveitinmetofightoverthiswholeyouandSarathing.”
Angersurgedthroughme.“Fine!Butthatbitchisgoingtoendupkillingoneorbothofus.I’m
tellingyou…She’snotright!”
Withthat,Ihungup.Therewasn’tanythingelsethatIcoulddo.Iwentbackinsideandsearched
thehouse.Ineededtoknowifanythingelsewasmissing.Thekey.Thatwasit.Itwasn’tmotivatedby
theftoranythingelse.Itwaspersonal.Therewasnootherreason.
Lateronintheday,acopshowedup,butitwasn’ttheoneI’dhopedtosee.ItwasShawn.I’d
methimacoupleoftimes,andheseemedlikeaprettygoodguy.Heandadetectivecamethroughand
tookfingerprints,thoughweallimagineditwouldn’tdomuchgoodsinceI’dalreadytouchedeverything.
Still,itwasworthashot.
Whentheyleft,Shawn’sfriendSamshowedupwithhisflatbedtowtruckandloadedmycarup.
Hedrovemeintotown,soIcouldreplacethetiresonmycar.SomethingIdidn’thavethemoneyfor.
Whatamess.Myheartached.I’dtoldAlexthatIlovedhim,butIhadn’tgottenachancetoactonthat.
Whatwouldhavehappenedifwehadn’tfought?I’dconsideredtellinghimtoforgetthewholebeneficial
friendthing.ThatIwantedtobewithhimforreal,buttheneverythinghappened.Maybeitwasasign?
WasIstillnotready?OrwasIsimplyjustifyingmyphobiaofbeinginarealrelationshipbyusing
fictitious“signs”asawaytomakemefeelbetter?
IspentthebetterpartofthedaythinkingaboutitonceI’dgottenhome.Ineverate.Ijusttook
napsintermittently.ItwaskindofdepressinghowmuchI’dsleptthatday,butIknewitwasbecauseofthe
emotionalstressIwasdealingwith.Thatwasthenumberonesignofsadnessanddepression.
Oversleeping.
Aroundeightthatnight,ItextedAlexagain.Imoreorlesspleadedwithhimtotalktome.
Alex,weREALLYneedtotalk.Please,justhearmeout.ItalkedtoJax
today.Youcancometomyhouse,orIcancometoyou.Ireallydon’t
care,butthisneedsfiguredout.I’mtryingtohelpyou.Regardlessofmy
ownfeelings,I’mworriedaboutyou.I’mscaredsomethingbadwill
happen.Ifyoucangivemefifteenminutes,IcanexplainexactlywhyI
feelthatway.
Iwassurprisedtoreceiveatextback.Itwasalmostimmediate,actually.Iwasnotshockedto
seethathestilldidnotwantvisitors.
Nottonight.I’mabouttogetintheshowerandprobablygotobedearly.
I’vehadaterribleday,andIdon’twanttoseeyou.Atall.Pleasejust
stayaway.
Ouch…Myheart.Butwasithim?ShouldIaskhimtocallmeashe’ddoneearlier?
Gah!ItwassostupidthatIevenhadtoworryifsomeoneelsewastextingmefromhisphone!
Whatifhewasdeadinaditchsomewhere?Whatifshe’ddonesomethingtohim?WhywasIeven
freakingoutaboutit?Thelasttimehe’dtextedmethathedidn’twanttotalkitwashim.Hecalledmeto
proveit,butthemostrecenttextwasquiteabitharsher.Itdidn’tseemlikehimatall.
Isighed.Therewasadecisiontomake.Beaderangedstalker-likeperson?Driveoverthereand
risklookingjustasloonyasSaralookstome?Orstayhome…terrifiedthatshe’suptosomething?I
hatedthis.Ihatedallofit.
Isighedagain.Icouldn’tletitgo.Somethingwasscreamingatme.Withoutanotherthought,I
grabbedmy9mmSigSauer2022frommyclosetandplaceditinmyshoulderholsterbeforeputtingonmy
jacket.Ithiditwell,butitstillleftiteasyaccess.IfeltlikeI’dgonecompletelymad.Iwenttomycar
anddroveovertoAlex’s.Ifeltlikethrowingup.Atleastoncethatdayhe’dtoldmethathedidn’twantto
talktome.Itwasverypossiblethathe’dtoldmethatasecond,butIwasn’tsureaboutthat.
JaxcalledtocheckonmeandItoldhimthatIwasgoingoverthere.ItoldhimaboutAlex
dodgingmeearlierthatdayandthatI’dactuallytalkedtohim.Then,Itoldhimaboutthesecondtextthat
I’dgotten.Theonethatdidn’tquitesoundlikehim.
“Becareful,”Jaxinstructed.“Somethingisn’tright.Allthisseemstobehappeningveryfast.”
IremindedhimthatthingsweregoingrelativelyokayuntilIstartedpressingthematterwith
Sara.That’swheneverythingstartedgettingkindofwild.
Thedrivewasablur.Thoughtsandworriesfloodedmymind.WhatifIwaswrong?WhatifI
wasright?Whatifshe’dbeenpushedtoofarandthat’swhatpromptedhertotakemykey?Therewereso
manyvariables.
WhenIarrived,thesunhadalreadyset.Alex’scarwasstillinthedrive.Thatwasagoodsign.I
tookadeepbreathandmademywayuptothedoor.TherewasaslighthesitationinmywilljustbeforeI
pushedthroughtoactuallyknock.IpromisedmyselfthatIwouldkeepmyangerundercontrol.Ididn’t
needtoangerherfurther.IinhaleddeeplyasIheardfootstepsapproachingthedoor.
Saraopenedthedoor.Shewasstandingthere,herfacelightingupassoonasshemadeeye
contactwithme.Itdidn’ttakemuchformetoseethatshewasn’twearinganythingasidefromat-shirt.A
veryfamiliart-shirt.OnethatI’dboughtforAlex.Theragebubbledupinmythroatlikebile.Ittook
everythingthatIhadtoswallowitdown,butIdidit.Forhim.Becauseifhewasinnocent–then
somethingverywrongwashappening.
“Hi,Sara,”Isaid,puttingforthmybestfakesmile.Iactedforaliving.Ilovedmyjob,butthose
impossiblepatients,itwashard.Onthosedays,youwereliterallypaidtoactlikeitwasthebestdayof
yourlife.
“Hi,Andi,”shesaid,hervoicecondescending.
Shewasleaningagainstthedoorthen,onebarelegcrossedinfrontoftheother.Shewasdoing
herbesttomakemenotice.Togetariseoutofme.Itwasn’tgoingtowork.Mygutwasrollingendover
end.Ifeltlikevomiting.Alexwouldneverstandforthat.Ijustknewit.
“IsAlexokay?”Iasked.“Ioverreactedabitlastnight.Iwantedtoapologizetobothofyou.
Mostlyhim,ofcourse.I’veputhimthroughalotlately.Ijustwantedtomakesurethathewasalright.”
“Oh,he’sfiiine,”shesaid,reallydrawingthewordout.
God,letmedoit.Justletmehitheronce.IpromiseI’llbeagoodgirlafter.
“He’ssleepingrightnow.Hejust,uh,gotoutoftheshowernottoolongago.”Asshespoke,she
madeapointtorunherfingersthroughhairthatInownoticedwaswet.Wassheinsinuatingthatthey’d
showeredtogether?
“That’sfine,”Isaid.“IjustwantedtotellhimthatI’msorry,andthenI’llbeoutofeveryone’s
hair.”
Iswallowed,barelykeepingmyselfundercontrol.Shegiggledalittleandsteppedback,letting
meinside.Mybodywantedtoshake,butIremindedmyselfthatIhadagunsafelytuckedawayonmy
rightside,justundermyarm.
Istudiedeverythingwithoutstaringanythingdown.Ineededtotakenoticeofanyitemoutof
place.ThefirstthingthatIsawwasAlex’sphonesittingonthecounter.Strange.Heneverwenttobed
withoutitbecauseofthepotentialforworkcalling.
“Uh,he’snotinhere,”shesnapped.“Isaidhe’sinbed.He’spassedout.Idoubtyou’llgethim
up.Hehadabittoomuchtodrink.”
Toomuchtodrink,eh?Thatalsoseemedverystrange.Alexdrankoften,butneverenoughto
“passout”asshe’dsuggested.Insteadofgivingmyselfaway,Igaveahalf-smileandacurtnodbefore
walkingintohisbedroom.
Alexwaspassedouthardonthebed.Hedidn’tevenhearmeapproach.Alexwasalwayswell
awareofhissurroundings,eveninthedeadofsleep.He’dhavewokenwhenIknocked.Notonlythat,but
hewasonhisback,hisbodylikeastarfishalloverthebed.Hecouldn’tsleeponhisback.Hissideor
stomach,yes,butneverhisback.ItwaswhyIcouldn’tlieonhischestforlongperiodsoftimewhile
goingintosleep-mode.Wealwayshadtorolltooursidessohecouldholdme.
“Alex,”Isaid,myvoiceawhisperatfirst.
Nothing.Myheartbegantospeedupasworrybegantosetin.
“See,”shesaidfromthedoor.“Iworehimout.He’sexhausted.Hetoldyouearlierthathedidn’t
wanttoseeyou.”
“Iknow,”Isaid,barelykeepingtheacidoutofmyvoice.Shewasinsinuatingthatthey’dhadsex
andshewasthecauseofhimbeingknockedoutsohard.Ihatedher.“Ijustwantedtotellhimmyself.”
Isatdownonthebed,pretendingtograbholdofhishand,butIgrabbedhiswrist.Icouldn’t
properlytimeitwithoutbeingobvious,buthisheartratewasrightaroundsixty.Hewasveryfit,butI
knewtherhythmofhisheart.I’dfallenasleeptothesoundofitmanytimes.Thiswastooslow.He’dbeen
drugged.Iknewit.
Myeyeswanderedovertohisnightstandtoseeabottleofbeersittingthere.Yetagain,Alex
nevertookbeertobedwithhim.Therewasn’tasinglethingthatmadesenseaboutthesituation.Ihadto
gethelp.Ihadtogetevidence.Whatifhehadbeensoupsetthathedrankhimselfintoacoma?Whatif
theyreallydidhavesex?Whatifanyofthosethings?IfIcalledthecopsoranambulance,I’dbescrewed
ifIwaswrong.
Thenagain…IfIdidn’tpursueit,andthatwaswrong…Alexcoulddie.Ihadtobesmart.
“Alex,”Isaid.“Iknowyou’reasleep,butIjustwantedtotellyouthatI’msorry.Ihopeyou’ll
forgiveme.Wewerebestasfriends.Ithinkwebothknowthatnow.Goodnight.Sleepwell.”
Istoodthen,puttingmybacktothenightstand.
“I’mgladyousawthat,”Sarasaid.
Bitch.“Me,too,”Isaid,slowlypickingthebeerbottleupbytheneckandholdingitbehindmy
back.“Itwasnevergoingtoworkanyway.Thisistherightdecision.”
Shenodded.“Thankyouforseeingthat.I’lltellhimthatyoucameby.I’msurehewillwantto
know.Hewillbehappytoknowthatyou’removingonpeacefully.”
Ismiled.“Thankyou.Iappreciatethat.”
Ibeganwalkingacrosstheroom,prayingthatshedidn’tnoticethemissingbottle,orthatIwas
holdingsomethingbehindme.Ihopedthatshewasasdumbassheseemed.AsImademywaypasther,I
pulledthebottlearoundtothefrontofmeandmovedstraightforthedoor.Iwasverycarefulnottotouch
thebottleanywhereotherthantheneck.
AsImademywaydowntheporchsteps,Saracalledoutonelastbitof“positivity”inmy
direction.
“Thanksfornotbeingasoreloser!”shesaidbeforeslammingthedoor.
Iwantedtoscream,butIdidn’thavetime.Igotinthecarandputthebeerbottlebetweenthe
seatsinthecupholder,prayingIdidn’tgetpulledover.OnceIpulledoutontheroad,havingdoneso
slowlyastonotraisesuspicion,IcalledShawnJackson.Ineededhishelp.
“Jackson,”hesaid.
“ThisisAndi,Alex’sfriend.Youcametomyhouseearliertoday,”Isaid.
“Yes!Hi.Howareyou?Iseverythingalright?”
“Ineedyoutolistentome,”Isaid.“Somethingstrangeishappening.Ididn’tcall911becauseI
havenoideaifhereallyisjustdrunkandpassedout,orifit’sworse,butsomethingisn’tright.You’rethe
onlyonethathetruststhere.Hesayseveryoneelsehazeshimandtreatshimlikeshit,butyoushow
respectforhim.”
Theseriousnessinhisvoicethenwasabsolute.“What’sgoingon?Tellmeeverything.”
“Idon’thavetimetotellyouthebackstory.Justmeetmeatthehospital.I’mtravelingwithan
openbeerbottlebetweenmyseatsbecauseI’mprettysureit’sbeenruphied.”
“I’mgettinginmycar,now.Talk.”
“Thatgirlthatyouguyssavedfromtheabusiveboyfriend.Alexusedtodateher.Hetookherin
andweirdthingshavebeenhappening.I’vebeenbegginghimtogetridofherbecauseI’vebeenfinding
hertoiletriesinhisbathroomandherpantiesinhisbed.Iknow…Iknow.Believeme.Iknowhowthat
sounds,butthat’snotlikehim.Evenhistwinbrotherisconcerned.Alexjustisn’tthatguy.He’snot.I
confrontedthembothlastnightandtodaysomeonebreaksintomyhouseandstealshiskeyoffmykeyring.
That’sit.Nothingelse.Thenmytiresareslashed.Itwasher.Iknowitwas.
“AlldayI’vebeensick.Mystomachhasbeeneatingmealivewithworry.I’dhadenoughandI
wenttoseehim,buthewaspassedoutcompletely.Hedidn’tevenregisterthatIhadknockedonthedoor
andthefrontdoorismerefeetfromhisbedroomdoor,whichwasopen.There’snowayhewouldn’thave
heardme.Icheckedhispulseanditwasfartoolow.Ithinkhe’sbeenruphied.Ididn’tcall911because
if,anditisabigifbecauseIdamnwellknowthatI’mnot,butifI’mwrong,andhe’sjustpassedout,then
I’dhavecalledanambulanceandeverythingfornothing.I’dembarrasseveryoneinvolvedallbecauseI
wasjealousofanex-girlfriend.”
“Butifyou’reright,andhe’sbeendrugged…”
“Exactly.That’swhyI’mcallingyou.I’mfiveminutesfromthehospital.Comeintherewithme.
Youcanwatchusdothetest.Ifthattestturns,gethimhelp.Sendeveryone.IfI’mrightandshediddrug
him,I’mterrifiedshewilldoworseifsherealizesthatItookthebottle.”
“I’mhere.Ionlylivearoundthecorner.I’llcallJoey,Alex’spartner.I’mgoingtohavehim
driveovertothehouseandparktowaitformyword.Ifyou’reright,Idon’twanttowasteanytime
gettinghimhelp.”
“Thankyou,somuch,”Isaid.“Iknowthatyoudon’tknowmepastwhatyousawofmetoday,so
Iappreciatethis.”
Hereassuredmethateverythingwouldbefine,andwegotoffthephone.Ireceivedatextfroma
strangenumber.IwasterrifiedthatitwasSara,butitturnedouttobeJoey.Shawnhadgivenhimmy
number,andJoeytextedmetoletmeknowthathewasheadedovertoAlex’s.JustasShawnhadsaid,
Joeytoldmethathewouldparkatasafedistancefromthehouseandonlyapproachwhengiventhego
ahead.
Myentirebodywasshaking.Iftherewaseveratimeformyguttofailme,itcertainlywasn’t
then.Isilentlyprayedthateverythingturnedout,evenifitmeantthatIwastheonewithoutmywitsabout
me.Ijustwantedtoknowthathewassafe.
ShawnandIstoodinthelab,tappingourfeetaswewaited.AssoonasI’darrived,Shawn
fingerprintedtheentirebottle.Hewantedtogetthemcomparedtothosethattheytookatmyhouseearlier
intheday.Neitheroneofusknewifitwoulddoanygood,butitwasworthashot.Oncehe’dfinished
withthat,wehandeditovertothenewgirlinthelab.Itseemedlikedays,butithadonlybeenafew
minutes.Itdidn’ttakelongbeforethelabtechturned,hereyeswide.ThemomentthatIsawher
expression,Iknew.
“I’veneverseenthelitmusturncolorssofast,”shesaid.“There’snowayformetotellhow
muchisinherebecausesomuchofthebottlewasconsumed,butIcansafelysaythereisalotinhere.
Whoeverthereceiverofthisdrinkwasisindangerofhavinghisorherbreathingstop.I’dsendan
ambulanceimmediately.”
Tearsimmediatelybeganpouringdownmyface.I’dlefthimthere!Iknew,andI’dlefthim.I
wastryingtoplayitsafe,butI’dputhiminmoredanger.Shawngrabbedaholdofme.
“Don’tworry!Everythingisgoingtobeokay.I’mgoingtotakecareofthis.Stayherewhereit’s
safe.I’mgoingtogetallthehelpheneeds.”
AllIcoulddowasnod.Thatwasit.Icouldn’tstopcrying.Uglycrying.Itwashideous.I
soundedlikeakidwhosefirstpuppydied.Ifelltomykneesonthefloorandshakilypulledthephone
frommypocket.Ihadnootheroption.IhadtocallNancy.IfIdidn’t,she’dflatmurdermethenexttime
thatshesawme.IneededtocallJax,too.Theyweresofaraway.Itwasn’tgoingtobeeasyforthemto
gettherefromFortWayne.Itwasasix-hourdrive.
God,pleaselethimbeokay.
~~~
Bythetimetheambulancegotthere,Ihadalreadychangedintomyscrubsandhadthewhole
teamready.LuckyforAlex,theERwasslowandhadplentyofborednursesstandingaroundwithnothing
bettertodo.
Whentheywheeledhimin,Shawnwasbyhissideasoneparamedicpushedhimandtheother
didCPR.They’dalreadystartedanIVandDoctorZane,thenightshiftERdoc,wasalreadyscreaming
outorders.Alexwasblue.He’dbeencoding.Iwasn’tsureifhishearthadstopped,orifhisbreathing
hadsloweddownenoughthatoxygenwasn’tgettingthroughgoodenough,buthisbeautifulpinklipswere
blue.Icy,deathlyblue.
Iveryquicklyfoundmyselfbeingpushedoutofthewayaseveryoneelseworkedonhim.Shawn
wrappedhisarmsaroundmetoholdmeback.Ihadn’trealizedit,butIwasfightingtogetupthereto
Alex.IwasscreamingatShawn,butIcouldn’trememberanythingthatIsaid.OnlythatIscreamedfor
himtogetoffme.
Atinyvoicecutthroughtheair,andIlookedovertoseeNancystandinginthedoorway,hereyes
wide,tearsfallingdownhercheeksasshestaredathercodingson.I’ddonethat.I’dletmyfearof
hurtingAlexgetinthewayofdoingwhatIknewneededtobedoneandnowtherehewas.Half-deadona
gurney.
Nancygrabbedholdofmyarm,andIstilled.Shawnloosenedhisgriponmeabitandhelpedme
walkoutsideoftheroom,Nancyneverbreakingcontact.
“Youhavetoletthemwork,”Nancysaid,hervoicebarelysteady.
Howcouldshedoit?Howcouldshestaysostrong?Thatwasherson!
“Ihavetohelpthem!Whatifsomethinggoeswrong?”Icriedout.
Iwassoloud.Iwasthepatientfamilymemberthateveryonehastoworryabout.Iwastheone
thatthey’dhavetothreaten.Iwastheonethey’dhavetobegtocalmdown,orI’dhavetoleave.I
couldn’tcontrolmyselformyvolume.
“No,”Nancysaid.“You’vedoneenough.Yougothimhelp.”
Ishookmyhead,moretearsstreamingdownmyface.“Ikilledhim.Iletthatbitchgetawaywith
it!Iknewshewasdangerous.Itriedtotellhim,buthewouldn’tlisten.IfI’donlystooduptohiminstead
ofbeingterrifiedofpushinghimawayorhurtinghisfeelings,hewouldn’tbehere.”
“Youcan’tblameyourselfforthat,”Shawnsaid.“Alexmadehisownchoices.Youdidtheright
thing.”
“Whathappened?”Iasked.I’dbeensoworriedabouthimthatI’dforgottentoaskwhat
happened.“Didyougether?”
Shawnsighed.“No.Shewaslonggonebythetimewegotthere.”
“Shemusthaveseenthatthebottlewasmissing,”Isaid.“Damnit!”
Shawnnodded.“That’swhatwethink,too.Butdon’tworry.Wewillgether.Shewentafterone
ofus.Shewillpayforthis.”
“He’sback!”IheardDoctorZanecallout.
Myeyesdartedintheirdirection.Alexwasverystillonthetable,butIcouldhearthesteady
beepingofhisheartonthemonitor.He’dalsobeenintubated.Isighedinreliefbeforefallingtomyknees.
Ifeltsoweak.Theweightliftedoffme.Hewasokay.Hewasokayforthemoment.
Shawnliftedmeoffthefloorandcarriedmebridalstyletolaymeononeofthebeds.
“Youneedtorelaxhereuntilyouregainyourself.You’reweak,andIdon’twantyoutopassout
andhurtyourself,”hesaid.
“I’mthenurse,”Isaid,myvoiceweak.“I’mtheonethat’ssupposedtotakecareofeveryone
else.”
“He’sright,”Nancysaid.“You’renotgoinganywhere.I’mgoingtomakesureofthat.Whenthey
movehimtoICU,wewillgoupthere.”
Inodded,moregratefulthaneverthatIhadherbymyside.Wespentthenextfewhourstalking
aboutAlexandwhathadhappenedbetweenus.Iwascompletelyhonestandansweredallofher
questions.Aboutme.Aboutourweirdrelationship.Howwe’dfallenforoneanother,orrather,howI’d
realizedhowmuchI’dcaredforhim.ThenSara.Itoldhereverything.
Atonepoint,webothfellasleepinAlex’sroomlisteningtothesoundsofhisheartonthe
monitor.DoctorZanesaidthathewouldbefine,butitwouldbeafewhoursyetbeforehecamearound
formorethanafewminutesatatime.He’dtestedpositiveforalotofthedrugRohypnol,thoughwehad
noideawhereshe’dhavegottenit.
JoeywasoutwithafewotherssearchingforSara.Theyweren’tveryhappy.Hazingornot,Alex
wasoneofthem,andtheyweren’ttobemessedwith.
“Andi.”Afemininevoicewhisperedmyname,promptingmetoopenmyeyes.
“Hmm?”Isaid,attemptingtocomearound.
“Hey,”Elizabethsaid.“Howareyoudoing?”
“Oh!”Nancysaid,wakingupoutofadeepsleeptojumpupandwrapherarmsaroundElizabeth
andJax.“I’msogladyou’rehere.”
Nancykissedthemboth.
“Where’sHunter?”Iasked.
“DesireeandAidenhavehim,”Elizabethsaid.“Thiswastooimportant.Weneededtomake
sureAlexwasgoingtobeokayandtocheckonyou.”
“I’mfine,”Isaid.“Justshaken.Theystillhaven’tfoundSara,yet.”
“Theywill,”Jaxsaid.“Givethemtime.”
Moaningcouldbeheardcomingfromtheothersideoftheroom.Alexwasbeginningtostir.I
rushedtohisside,grabbingholdofhishand.
“Alex,”Isaid.“You’reinthehospital.Youweredrugged.”
Hesighedheavily,hisentirebodygoinglimpinexasperation.“ItwasSara.Ithoughtthebeer
tastedstrange,butIletitgo.Andi…”
“Don’t,”Isaid,kissinghishand.“Don’tworryaboutthatnow.”
“I’mjustsosorry,”Alexsaid.“Ishouldhavelistened.Idon’tremembermuch.Ijustremember
hertalkingabouthowsheandIweremeanttobetogether.I’dsavedher,anditwasasignthatwewere
supposedtobetogether.Irememberhearingyourvoice,butIthoughtitwasadream.”
“No.Iwasthere.I’dcometocheckonyou.Iwassoscaredthatsomethingbadhadhappened.
So,Istoleyourbeerbottle,calledShawntohavehimmeetmehereatthehospital,andwhenittested
positive,Shawnsentthecavalryafteryou.”
“DearGod,”hesaid,hisvoicebarelyawhisper.“WhatamessI’vemade.Iamsosorry.I’m
alsosorrybecauseIdon’tthinkIcankeepmyeyesopenanylonger,andImorethanlikelywon’t
rememberanythingthatyoujustsaid.”
Ikissedhisforehead,andbythetimeIpulledback,hewassleepingagain.Shawnwalkedin
then,agrimlookonhisface.
“How’shedoing?”heasked.
“He’sawakeandtalking,”Jaxsaid,allowingmeamomenttoclearmytears.“Well,he’sback
outnow,itseems.Buthe’llbefine.”
Shawnsighedandnodded.“Good.I’mgladtohearthat.Uh…Idon’texactlyknowhowtosay
this.It’sstrangewhenyou’reclosertothepeopleyou’retalkingtothancompletestrangers.”
“Whatisit?”Iasked,worryfillingmeagain.“What’shappenednow?”
“WefoundSara,”hestarted.“Therewasacallaboutahousefire.”
Myeyeswidened,myjawdropping.“No.”
“Theaddresssoundedfamiliar,soItookthecall.I’mverysorry,Andi.”
I’dcriedsomuchthatIwasn’tsureIhadanymoretearsleft.Whentheshockworeoff,I
imaginedthatIwoulddrowninthem.
“Howmuchdamagewasthere?”Iasked.
Shawn’slipspressedtogetherinthethinlineashiseyeslookedtothefloor.
“It’sgone.There’snothingleft.Includingher.”
“Wait.What?”Elizabethasked.“Sara’sgone?Asinshedied?”
“Wehaven’tidentifiedthebody,yet,”Shawnsaid.“Therewasabodyinside.Coronersaidit
wasfemale.Itseemedlikeshe’dbrokeninandwassettingtheplaceonfirefrominside,butittookoff
tooquickly.Shewastrappedinside.”
Icouldn’tspeak.Icouldn’trespond.How…Just…How?
“Thankyou,”Isaid.Ididn’tevenrecognizemyownvoice.Toomuchhadhappenedinsucha
shorttime.“Thankyoufortellingme.”
“Andi.”Jaxsteppedforward,wrappingmeinhisarms.
Ah…Theretheywere.Thetears.AssoonasIfeltthewarmthofhisbodyenvelopme,Ibegan
soakinghisshirtwiththem.
“I’msosorry,”Elizabethsaid.
Oh,God.Elizabeth!Thedresses!
“Thedresses!Elizabeth,thedresseswereinthehouse,”Isaid.
Sheshushedmeassheranherhandbackandforthacrossmyback.“Don’tworryaboutthe
dresses.Therearefarmorethingstoworryaboutrightnow.Pleasejustfocusonyourself,okay?Weare
family.We’regoingtotakecareofeachother,justlikewealwayshave.”
Shawnwasn’twrong.Myhousewascompletelygone.Therewasnothingleft.Becauseofmy
diligentcataloguingofeverythinginmyhousethatwasworthanything,myinsurancechecktotaledwell
over$300,000.00.Yes.That’scorrect.Mygrandmotherhadleftmeseveralpiecesofantiquejewelrythat
wasveryexpensive.Iwassadthatitwaslost,becauseofthesentimentalvalue,butIwasgratefulthatit
cushionedthefinancialblow,byalot.Thatcheckpaidwhatwasleftonmyhouse,itboughtallnew
furnishings,andputaveryhealthydownpaymentonanewhome.Itwasactuallynicerthanmylast.
Sara’sbodyhadbeenpositivelyidentified,soAlexandIdidn’thavetoworryaboutherany
longer.ThoughIdidn’tlikethatshehadtodietogetitaccomplished,especiallyinmyhome–while
burningittotheground,Iwashappythatwedidn’thavetofearher.Theworryhadbeentherethateven
aftertheycapturedherthatshewouldgetoutandcomeafteroneorbothofusagain.Icouldn’thandlethat
thought.Itwasterrifying.Untiltheyidentifiedthebody,AlexandIwerebothscareditcouldhappen.
Alexhadonlybeenmonitoredfortwenty-fourhoursbeforebeingreleased.Hehadsome
residualfatigueandhismemorywasspotty,buthewashappytobeout.Westayedtogetherforthefirst
weekinahotelbecauseofourfearuntilwe’dknownSara’sfateforsure.Itwasn’tideal,butgivenwhat
we’dhavetogobacktobystayinginhishouse,allherthingslingeringandcreepingusout,wedidn’t
careatall.
Intheend,Iwasn’ttheonlyonethatmoved.Alexcouldn’tstandthethoughtofbeingbackinhis
houseatall.Notjustthatfirstweek,buteveragain.Minushismajorfurniture,heboughteverythingbrand
new.Ihelped.Icouldn’thelpit.Bythetimemyinsurancecheckcamein,Alexhadfoundaplacetorent
andwebegantheprocessofmovinghimin.
JaxandElizabethstayedintownaswell,thoughJaxwentbackforHunteraftereverything
calmeddownandwekneweveryonewouldbesafe.TheystayedwithNancyandHuntergottotryouthis
newnursery.Thebachelorandbachelorettepartieswerepostponedindefinitely.Itjustdidn’tseemright
tothrowapartywiththedoomlingeringintheair.Instead,wedecidedtohaveonehellofareception
afterthewedding.
Newscirculatedaroundthehospitalquickly.EveryonetherelovedElizabeth.She’dworked
therewithmeforaverylongtime.Donationsweretakenupwithoutourknowledgeandtheypurchased
brandnewdressesforallthebridesmaids.They’devengottenafloristtodonatesomeflowersforthe
event.Itwasbeautiful.Sometimessmallcommunitieswerebetterthanbiggerones.Familywas
everythingtothem.
“Areyouready?”IaskedElizabeth.
Shewasstunning.Herdresswasabrilliantwhitewithdeeppurpleaccents.Itwasstraplessand
herhairwaswornupwithalotofcurlspinnedeverywhere.Icouldn’tbelievehowbeautifulshewas.
Justlookingatherbroughttearstomyeyes.Everythingshe’dbeenthroughledherthere.Toabsolute
happinesswithawonderfulman.
“Iam,”shereplied,alargesmileonherface.“I’veneverbeensoready.”
ThedooropenedasAlexwalkedin.
“Iseveryoneinhererea…Holysh…”
“Ah!”Isnapped,puttingafingerintheair.“Don’tyoudarecurseonherweddingday.”
“I’msorry!”Alexsaid,hiseyeswideashelookedElizabethover.“Youlookbeautiful.”
Heclosedthedoorbehindhimandcrossedtheroom,leaningdowntogivemeakiss.
“I’mgonnagetyouinoneofthoseoneofthesedays.Youknowthat,right?”hesaid,alarge
smileplayingonhislips.
Ishookmyhead.“You’vealreadytalkedmeintoeverythingelse.Isupposethatwouldn’tbetoo
hard.”
Ittookawhileformetogetoverthefactthathe’dsoeasilylackedconfidenceinmewithallthat
happened,buthebustedhisasstomakeituptome.Ididn’taskhimto.Infact,I’dbeggedhimtostop,but
hedidn’t.He’dmakemedinner,ortakemeout.He’dwatchmovieswithme.Hewasn’texactlysurewhat
hadhappenedwithSarawhilehewasdrugged,andhedidn’twanttoknow,buthe’dtakenprecautionsfor
me.Hesaidthathecouldn’ttouchmeuntilheknewhewascleanandhealthy.Itmeantsomuchthathe
cared,eventhoughitwasaweirdsituation.
Evenaftereverythingcamebackokay,herefusedtotouchme.Hesaidthathewouldspend
everydaymakingthingsuptomeuntilhedeservedme.Everydayhetoldmethathelovedmeatleasta
dozentimesandeverydayItoldhimthatIlovedhim.Finally,afternearlythreeweeks,heacceptedmy
proposal.Myproposaltobearealcouple,thatis.Hewasworthtryingfor.
“I’mgladyouseeitmyway,”Alexsaid.“Liz,sis,it’stime.Wehavetolineupinthehall.”
Aswemadeourwayoutintothechaosofthehalltoseeeveryoneliningupandgettinginto
place,IlookedatAlex,mysweet,loving,gullibleandchivalrousboyfriend,andfelthappy.Ihad
everythingIneededrightthere.Everyoneinmylifeunderoneroof.Itwastemporary,andwewouldgo
ourseparateways,butthatwasthedayeverythingfellintoplace.IbegantotearupasIwalkeddownthe
aislewithAlexonmyarm.Helookedamazinginhissharpblacktux.Atthatmoment,Iimaginedmyself
walkingdowntheaisleagaininthefuture,butwithAlex.I’drealizedlongagothatIdidn’tneedamanto
behappy.Still…Itwasn’ttoobadtohavesomeoneinmylifetobehappywith.
CoversandSynopsesforfuturebooksdownbelow!
WrathbyCandyCrum(2/7/17)
TimeofDeathSeriesbook2
Synopsis:
Willisdead...Jayisalive...andIamsomethinginbetween.
Asuccubus.
Somesortofsupernaturalcreaturethatsurvivesbydrainingthelifeenergyoutofhumansthroughsex.
MylifeisupsidedownandallIhaveismyrage.I'veneverfelt,norbeencapableofsuchfuryinmy
entirelife.Mybiologicalfather,anincubusnamedTristan,hasreturnedandheisthemostterrifyingbeing
I'veevermet,thoughhelovesmecompletely.Daddy'smesseduplittlegirl.
Withhishelp,IwillbeabletokeepmypromisetoJay.Withhishelp,Iwillfinallybeabletorip
everyoneandeverythingJayknowstopieces.
I'mcomingforyou,Jay.VengeanceWILLbemine.
Pre-OrderLinks:
UK:
AU:
(Pre-Ordersarealwayspricedat.99candwillreturntothenormal$2.99afterrelease!So,
getitatthatpricewhileyoucan!)
Karma’saBitchbyA.M.Wray(3/7/17)
Ladies,whatwouldyoudoifyouweregrantedanunlikelywish?
Awishyoudidn’tevenknowthatyouwishedfor?Whatifyouwokeupin
thebodyofamanthathumiliatedandusedyou?
Jaimeisbeautiful,sarcastic,andtalented.Afteraterribledayat
workwiththemisogynistbossfromhellandadateshe’dlovetoforget,she
soonfindsherselfwakingupinaverystrangescenario.Shemeetsthe
challengeintypicalJaimefashion–withhumorandopportunity.Withthe
helpofKarma,hercoincidentally-named,clumsyandcomicalFairy
Godmother,Jaimestandsthechanceofteachingthatmanalessonhewon’t
everforget.Ifyou’veeverwantedkarmatopayavisittosomeonethat’s
treatedyoulikecrap,don’tmissoutonthehilariousjourneytopersonal
freedom.
PhobiabyA.M.Wray(2/14/17)
BookOneinthe“H*Phobia”Series
Ifyouwokeuptomorrowinanotherworld,howwouldyouadapt?
Howwouldyousurviveifyourroleintheworldwerereversed?
Whatifyouwereanotherrace?Richinsteadofpoor?ThehumbleworkerinsteadoftheCEO?
Wouldyoustillbewhoyouare?Wouldyoustillmakethesamechoices?Mostimportantly--wouldyou
stilltreatthosearoundyouthesame?
Seventeen-year-oldTylerWilsonisthestereotypicaljockinhighschoolandhasnointentionsofsetting
himselfapartfromtherest,likesomeofhispeershaveworkedsohardtodo.Heprideshimselfonbeing
coldandenjoysseeingpainandfearinothers.Afterseverelyinjuringanewboyhisage,simplybecause
heisgay,Tyler'sparentsaregivenanultimatum:extensivetherapyorEXPULSION,whichwouldprevent
Tylerfromgraduatinginthesummerwithhisfriends.
Refusingtobeleftbehind,Tyleroptsfortherapy,butiscompletelyblindsidedbyhiscourseoftreatment.
Histherapist,Lisa,isknowntobethebestandhasturnedaroundeventheharshestofoffenders,butTyler
isresistantandstubborn.LisadecidesthatTylerneedssomethingextra...Somethinglife-changing...
Tylerneedstolearnthetruemeaningofthewordfearanddesperation.
Themindcanbeaterriblething.Itcanplaytricksonyou,especiallywhenyourmindisinthehandsofa
professional.It'simpossibletoknowifyouwillwakeifyourworld...
Oraworldcompletelyunknowntoyouandeveryoneyouknow.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N5J1L6O
UK:
Document Outline
- Chapter One
- Chapter Two
- Chapter Three
- Chapter Four
- Chapter Five
- Chapter Six
- Chapter Seven
- Chapter Eight
- Chapter Nine
- Chapter Ten
- Chapter Eleven
- Chapter Twelve
- Chapter Thirteen
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