Just Friends NA Romance Bendi A M Wray

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Just…Friends

BendingtheRules3

A.M.Wray

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TableofContents

ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen


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OTHERWORKbyA.M.Wrayandherotherpenname,CandyCrum.

***A.M.WRAY***

BendingtheRulesSeries(NARomance)
Rebound
Honor
Just…Friends
------BendingtheRulesBoxedSet(Book1-3)(2/21/17)
BTRBook4(Releasing3/28/17)

PhobiaSeries(YADystopian)

Phobia(Releases2/21/17)

-

PRE-ORDERAVAILABLENOW(Coverandblurbattheendofthisbook!)

STANDALONENOVELS(notinaseries)

ThisMeansWar(NARomance)

Karma’saBitch(COMEDY)(Releases3/7/17)

-

Coverattheendofthisbook!!

***CANDYCRUM***

TheEternalSeries(ActionParanormalRomance)
TheEternalGift1
EternallyForsaken1.5
TheEternalEcho2
EternallyBound2.5

TheFatedSeries(YAFantasy)

RisefromtheAshes

TimeofDeathSeries(ParanormalAdultThriller/Romance)

13:17

Wrath(Releases2/14/17)

-

PRE-ORDERAVAILABLENOW(Coverandblurbattheendofthisbook!)

STANDALONENOVELS(notinaseries)

Leanonme(YADramaticRomance)
IntotheNether(HorrorShort)

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ChapterOne

Blessed.Itwasapowerfulword,andoneI’dalwaysbeen

gratefulfor.I’dalwaysconsideredmyselftobeveryblessed,bothinfamily

andinthemanyintangiblegiftsthatI’dbeengiven.Mylifehadalways

beenfull.Tobecompletelyhonest,Ineverhadtoworksuperhardfor

things.ItwasbecauseofthatluckygiftthatIdrovemyselftohelpothers

alongtheway.Ihadamazingfriends,ElizabethMartininparticular,a

wonderfulfamily,andahusbandthatIcouldn’tgetenoughof.Iwanted

fornothing.

Nearlythreeyearsago,Igotmyfirsttasteofwhatreallifecould

belike.Iwasagrownup.Ididn’thavemyunruly,childishfriendsbymy

sidetogobeatsomeoneupforme.Myprettyfaceandathleticability

wasn’tscoringmemetaphoricalpointsanymoreliketheyhadinhigh

school.Ididn’thavedrinkingeverynightafterclassincollegetoturnto

anymore,either.Iwasanadult.Iwasinmymid-twenties.Iwasmarried,

andmyhusbandhadbeencheatingonme.

I’dmanagedtogothroughlongdaysandnightsinschool,

clinicals,internships,andanyothertrainingthatIsawfit,orthatwas

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requiredformydegree.IwantedtobeaNursePractitioner.Ibecamea

NursePractitioner.Iworkedveryhardtomakesurethatmyhusbandcould

onedaydowhathewantedtodo:workfromhome.

LittledidIknow,whileIwasatwork,hewashavinganaffair

withagirlthatheworkedwith.Foralongtime,Ibeggedhimtoquithis

jobandpursuehisdreams.HerefusedandIcouldn’tunderstandwhy.I

keptgettingabadfeeling,butIletitgo.Ilovedhimsomuch.Icouldn’t

believeforaninstantthathewouldeverdosomethinglikethattome,not

afterallwe’dbeenthroughtogetherandallI’ddonetomakehisdreams

cometrue.

AsIsaidbefore…Afterallthoseyears,Ifinallygotatasteof

whatreallifewaslike.Itwasthemostmiserablemomentofmylife.I

foundmyselfenvyingthosewithnormallivesandnormalproblems,justas

theywouldenvymineforhavingsuchgoodluck.Thegrassisalways

greener,I’dalwaysheard.Thatsayingisverytrue.Elizabethlearnedthat

rightalongwithme.

She’dalwaysjokedaboutbeingjealousthatthingsseemedto

alwaysgowellforme,andI’dsmile,notknowinghowtorespond.I

watchedhergothroughhelloftenandthereIwaswithalltheluck.Then

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werealizedthatgoingthroughlifeaseasyasIhaddoesn’tallowyouto

prepare.Itdoesn’tteachyouanythingatall.Leastofall,howtodealwith

pain.Whenithitsyouforthefirsttime,it’slikedying.There’snowayto

knowhowtoprocessanything,anditleavesyouterriblyconfusedand

overwhelmedbythesuffering.

Ineverwouldhavefoundoutthetruthhaditnotbeenfor

Elizabeth.Shecaughtonthatthenameofapatientofminematchedthatof

thewomanmyhusbandwasalwaystalkingaboutatwork.Theveryone

thatalwaysgavemechills.I’dgivenheraprescriptiontotreatanSTD.In

fact,I’dgivenhertwo.Oneforherself,theotherforherlover.Isoonfound

thesecondbottleinmyhusband’sdrawer.Tuckedawayandhiddeninside

ofarolled-uppairofsocks.Ithadhernameonthebottlerightalongside

mineastheprescriber.

Becauseofeverythingthathadhappened,IpromisedmyselfthatI

wouldneverallowanyonetohavethatmuchholdovermeeveragain.I’m

surethatIsoundalotlikeElizabethhad,butitwasshethatsoundedalot

likeIdid.It’seasytoallowthattohappen.That’swhyIrefusedtolether

bringherselfdownwithit.Onceyou’reinthehabitofkeepingawallbuilt,

it’salmostimpossibletoletbackdown.

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Duringthattime,IfocusedonmyselfandIrebuiltmylife.

Elizabethneverleftmyside.ShewastheonlypersonintheworldthatI’d

allowmyselftocarefor,untilthatgorgeousbabyofherscamealong

anyway.Hunterisincrediblyprecious.He’stheonlylittlemanforme.

Well,whenIactuallygettoseehim.

ElizabethandJaxmovedtoFortWaynetobewithDesireeduring

herpregnancy.Igetit.AfterallDesireehadbeenthrough,I’dhavemade

thesamedecision.I’dmetAiden.Heseemedlikeagreatguy.Italso

seemedlikehecouldn’tgetenoughofher,whichIloved.Iwasveryhappy

forallofthem,butthatleftmealone.Alex,Jax’sbrother,wasalsoleft

behind,sowe’dkindofstucktogether.We’dbecomebestbros.It’sbeen

nicetohaveapuresoultoturntoagain,thoughhe’sabitsweetonme.

Thatcomplicatesthingsalittle,butheknowsmyboundariesandhe’sbeen

veryunderstanding.

Weweregoingoutwithafewofhisfriendsthatnight,soIwas

justfinishingupgettingready.I’drecentlydyedmyhairamedium-dark

blonde.Iwasn’tquitesureifIlikedit,buteveryoneatworkseemedto.I’d

dyedmyhairsomanytimesinthepastfewyears,Icouldn’tremember

whatmynaturalhaircolorwasanymore.Ithadgottenfartoolong,soI

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decidedtocutitoff.Bigmistake.Almostimmediatelyaftercuttingit,I

rememberedthatIhatedhavingshorthair.ThankGodforhairextensions.

I’dgottenverywellacquaintedwiththem.

“Andi?”

IheardAlex’svoicecallingfromthelivingroom.

“Yeah!”Icalledback.“I’mjustfinishingupinhere.”

Iheardhisfootstepsfallingashewalkedintomyroom.My

bathroomdoorwasopen,butIdidn’tmindsinceIwasonlydoingmakeup.

“Whydoyoumesswithallthatstuff?”heasked.“Imean…I

knowgirlslikeitandall.Mostofthemthinktheyneedit,butyoudon’t.

Notonlyareyoubeautifulwithoutit,butyou’rejustgoingoutwiththe

guys.You’vemadeitabundantlyclearyou’rejustoneofus.Youdon’t

havetoimpressus.”

Ismiled.“JustlikeamantothinkthatI’mdoingthisforyou.”

Helaughed.“Oh,Iholdnodelusionsofthat.YouknowwhatI

meant.”

“I’mjustpicking.Idoknowwhatyoumeant.Thankyouforthe

compliment,butIreallydoitjustforme.Firstofall,I’vealwayslike

dressingupandputtingmakeupon.Ididn’thavethetimetoforquitea

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longtimewithschoolandwork.”Ilaughed.“Probablywhymyex-

husband…”

“AH!No.Don’tsayit.Youneedtostopcrackingjokeslikethat.I

knowyoudoitbecauseyou’reuncomfortabletalkingaboutyourself.You

hateanythingrequiringconfidence.”

“Oh,shutup.Itrynotto.Itjustpopsoutsometimes,”Isaid.

Hewasright.Ididn’thavealotofconfidence,butIalsodidn’t

care.Iwasconfidentaboutnotfeelingconfident.Howmanytimescanyou

sayconfidentbeforeitdoesn’tsoundlikearealwordanymore?

Tobehonest,Ididn’tcarewhatothersthought.Well,forthemost

part.Anyonewhosaystheydon’tcarewhatanyoneelsethinksactually

does.Theydoalot.Therejustmaybesomethingstheydon’tcareabout.

Youdon’tlikewhattheydoforaliving?Doesn’tmatter.Theyloveit.You

don’tcaremuchfortheclothestheywear?Theydon’tgiveadamn.Those

aresomesupercomfortableclothes.Ifyouweretoquestionthemasa

person,however,theywouldcarequitealotandsodidI.

Elizabethalwaysmistookmylackofcaringforover-confidence.It

wasmostlybecauseIwasaninsatiableflirt,andIalwaystriedtobeagood

wingmanforher.Ididn’tflirtformyself,onlyforothers.Iwasperfectly

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finetryingtofinddatesforotherpeople.Ithadcertainlyworkedinfavorof

ElizabethandJax.Ipickonherallthetimeaboutit.

Alexstoodbehindme,lookingatmeinthereflectionofthe

mirrorandIdidthesametolookathim.Hewasbeautiful.Irememberthe

daythatImethimandhistwinbrother,Jax.Theywerebothstunning,but

I’dalwayslikedAlex.Jaxwastheperfectgentleman,thoughElizabethsaid

hewasquitewildinbed.Alexwasabitwilderatheart.Hewasstilljustas

kindandrespectful,butheknewhowtohaveagoodtime.

Hewasdark-haired,dark-eyed,anddarkcomplected,justlikehis

brother,thoughtheylookedverydifferent.Alexwasabitshorterthanhim,

too.Ilikedit.He’dalwaysbeenbuiltnicely,butgoingthroughthepolice

academyhadmadehimevenbigger.He’dtakenitveryseriouslyandwasin

thegymeveryday.Iadmiredthededication.

“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”Alexasked.

Ijumpedalittle,realizingatthatmomentthatI’dbeenstaring.

Ishrugged.“Justwatchingyouwatchme,Iguess.Youwere

staringfirst.”

Hesmiled.“Iwasbored.What’syourexcuse?”

Ithrewasoftelbow.“Youliar.Getoutofhere.I’llbedoneinten

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minutes.”

“Okay.So,like…forty-five?”hesaid.

Irolledmyeyesandshookmyhead,continuingmywork.Alex

madehimselfcomfortableonmybed,watchingTVashewaited.OnceI’d

finished,weheadedtoJack’sPub.Ithadgrownquiteabitandthebuilding

hadevenbeentorndownandrebuilttoreflectthat.Thoughthename

hadn’tchanged,theatmospherecertainlyhad.Itwentfrombeinga

standardbartoalargesportsbarandgrill.Ithadgreatfoodandamazing

drinks.Thegirlsbehindthecounterknewexactlyhowtomixadrink.

“Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”Alexasked.

“Abeerwouldbefinewithme.Surprisemeonthekind.I’mnot

picky,”Ireplied.

“Iwouldn’ttrustit,”Rocky,oneofAlex’sclosefriendssaid.“It’s

abitrisky,”

Ilaughed.“Icanunderstandwhyyou’dthinkso,butI’mreally

notpicky!”

IsatatthetablewithRockyandJack.Jackhadpickedthevenue

forourlittlegettogether,whichImadesuretoribhimon,giventhename.

Jack’swasJack’sfavoriteplacetogo.RockyhadbeenfriendswithAlex

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sincetheywereyoung,buttheywentthroughthepoliceacademytogether

andmetJack.

“I’mgladwemadeitbeforethegame,”Isaid.

“Yeah,”Alexchimedin,settingmybeerdowninfrontofme.It

wasabrewfromalocalbrewery.Ilovedtryingnewflavorsfromthearea.

“Wealmostdidn’t.”

Iturnedinhisdirection.“Theygothereafterus,youturd.”

Hesmiled.“Oh,yeah.”

“He’sworsethanawoman,”Jacksaid.

Ilaughed.“Hereallyis!It’stimetoplacebets,boys.”

Wecontinuedtojokeaswetookturnsplacingbetsontheteam

wehadthemostfaithin.I’dnevermindedsports,butIcertainlywasn’t

intothemlikeI’dbecomemorerecently.Somehow,I’ddevelopedalovefor

it.Itcouldhavebeentheguysandtheirenergy,oritcouldhavebeenthatI

simplyfoundanewloveforit.Eitherway,wealwayshadalotoffun.

“So,whenisJaxgettingmarriedagain?”Rockyasked.

“Sixweeks,”Ireplied.

“Damn.That’snotverylongatall,”Rockysaid.

“Notatall.Ithasn’tbeenaverylongengagement,butshe’s

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perfect,”Alexsaid.“Whenyougetagirllikethatandshegivesyoua

perfectlittleboy,youdon’twastetimeonthatshit.”

ItwarmedmyhearthowhespokeofElizabeth.Alexalready

consideredherasister,andIlovedit.

“Istillhavealotofworktodo,”Isaid.“I’mmakingallofthe

bridesmaids’dresses.Eachonetakesforeverbecauseofallthetinylittle

details.Elizabethneverasksformuch,sowhenshegavemealistof

specifics,Imadedamnsuretogetitallright.”

“Whatareyouguysdoingforthebachelorandbachelorette

parties?That’swhatwereallyneedtoknow,”Jackasked.

Ofcourse,that’swhathe’dbemostinterestedin.

“Wearekickingafewthingsaround,”Alexsaid.“Neitheroneof

themwantsanythingspecial,butIthinkweshouldmakeitspecial

anyway.”

“Hey!”

AmanstumbledupbehindAlexandputhisarmaroundAlex’s

shoulders.Hewascompletelywasted,swayingallover.Hewasmiddle-

agedwithaproperhaircut,thoughthegreyingauburnhairwasamessat

thatmoment.Hehadabitofweightinthemiddle,buthisbodylooked

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veryleanelsewherebycomparison.Iimaginedthatitwasalcoholthatwas

theculpritforthatone.

“Hey!”Alexsaid,smilingonceherecognizedthemanwhohad

placedhisarmaroundAlex’sshoulder.“Howareyou,man?”

“I’mgood,good.Iwasjustwondering…Doyourealizeyou’reat

atableconsistingofthreedudesandyou’retalkingaboutweddings?”

Alexlaughed.“It’smybrother!He’sgettingmarried!”

Theman’seyeswidened.“You’vegottabekiddingme!Wait,it’s

notthatone,isit?”Hisfacecrinkledindisgust.Iassumedhewastalking

abouttheexofJax’sthatElizabethtoldmeabout.Theonethathad

screwedKevin,herex-boyfriend,inthetheatrebathroom.

“Hell,no,”Alexreplied.“He’smarryingagreatgirl.We’rejust

talkingaboutthespecifics.”

“Likethebachelorparty?”themansaidwithadevioussmile.

“Becausethatisaprettybigandprettyimportantspecific.”

Thetwotookafewtocatchup,andIfoundmyselfwondering

whothehellhewas.Heseemedlikeaniceguy,butcertainlyhadnoissue

withbeingtotallytrashedandembarrassinghimselfinfrontofanentire

restaurantfullofpeople.

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Whenheleft,Alextoldusthatwastheirbasketballcoachintheir

senioryearofhighschool.He’dhadaroughtimeinthelastfewyearsand

starteddrinking,buthewasstillafundrunk.Hejustlikedtogetwasted

andhangoutwithpeople,apparently.

“Hey,”Alexsaidduringhalf-time.“Theguyskindamademe

thinkaboutthiswholepartything.Wereallyshoulddosomethinggreatfor

them.Wouldyouwanttogosomewhereelseafterthisandplan?I’m

starving,butI’mnotinthemoodforanythingfried.”

Ithoughtaboutitforamoment.IhadsomethingsthatIwantedto

getdone,butIcouldalwaysusemoretimeoutofthehouse.Iworkedso

muchthatIhadtwohomes:thehospitalandmyveryneglectedhouse.

“Sure,”Isaid.“Thatsoundsgood.IguessI’llstopeyeballing

thesecheesesticks,then.Shamebecausetheylookamazing.”

“I’lltakeyousomewherewithevenbettercheesesticks,ifyou

want,”hesaid.“Ijustdon’twantanythingfried.I’mfried-foodedout.”

“Fried-foodedout?”Ilaughed.“Okay,then.Soliddeal.”

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ChapterTwo

Turnsout,Iknewhowtopick‘em.Myteamwon,whichmeantthatAlexhadtobuymefood.

Thatworkedoutgreatforhim,consideringourplansfortheevening.Isay,“itworkedoutgreatforhim,”

becauseIknewthatwhenwewentout,he’doffertopayandanargumentwouldensuewhenIdeclinedto

lethimdoso,likeIalwaysdid.Ourlittlebetgavehimwhathe’dinevitablywanttodo,butforcedmeto

giveupmyreservationaboutit.

Therestaurantwaspacked,whichpromptedustoorderourstogo.We’doriginallywantedtogo

inandsitdown,butneitheroneofusfeltlikebeingaroundalotofpeopleanylongerafterhavingjustleft

thebar.WhileAlexwasinsidepickingupthefood,IgotatextfromElizabeth.Shewasworriedaboutthe

dresses.She’dbeenincreasinglyworriedaboutthetimeframeinwhicheverythingwashappening,andit

wasforthatveryreasonthatAlexandIwereheadingovertohismom’shousetoborrowhersewing

machine.

Duetotheamountofworkthatneededtobedone,andthedetailthatwouldbeincluded,I

neededabettermachine.NancyandIhadbecomeincreasinglycloseoverthepastyear.ElizabethandI

hadsavedherlife.ItwasmostlyElizabeth,adayIwouldneverforgetandadaythatmyprideinhergrew

tenfold.Nancyhadsufferedcomplicationsduetothechemothatshe’dbeentaking.They’dbeentoomuch

forheranditnearlykilledher.

AfterElizabethhadsavedher,Nancyspentquiteawhileinthehospitalreceivingcareandbeing

monitored.AlotofthatcarewasadministeredbyElizabethandmeonourofftime.We’dbeenveryshort

staffedatthetimeandbothofushadwantedtomakesureshereceivedgreatcare.Afterseeinghowhard

AlexandJaxweretakingeverything,itwasveryhardforustostayaway.

Nancywasagood,strongwoman.She’dfighttothedeathforherkiddos.Itseemedthatatsome

pointI’dbeenlumpedinthatcategoryaswell.Ididn’tmindit.IlovedNancy,andIlovedherchildren.

Theywereverygoodpeople.

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“Hey,Andi!”Nancysaidaswewalkedthroughthedoor.“Howhaveyoubeen?”

Bothofussmiledaswegreetedoneanotherwithabighug.

“I’mgreat!”Ireplied.“Howareyoudoing?How’sthenurserycomingalong?”

“Hunter’sgonnabedrivingbythetimeI’mdonewiththedamnthing,”shejoked.“It’staking

forever.I’dmeanttohaveitdonebeforehewasborn,but…”

Elizabethhadgoneintolaborabouttwomonthsearly.ThoughNancyhadn’tgottenthenursery

donebeforehewasborn,shewasstillontargettohitheroriginaldeadline.

“You’restillmakinggoodtime,though,”Isaid.“BlameHunter.Hewastheonethatdecidedhe

didn’twannabeinthereanymore.”

Shelaughed.“Iwill.It’sallhisfault.Alreadyimpatient,justlikehisdaddyanduncle.”

“Impatient?”Alexsaid.“Me?Certainlynot.Idon’tknowwhoyou’retalkingabout.”

Nancygavehersonanincredulouslook,earningasmilefromhim.

“Where’sthesewingmachine,Mom?”Alexasked.

“See?”Nancyresponded.“Impatient!Notevenaproperhellotoyourmotherbeforeyougo

demandingthings.Whereareyourmanners?”

Helaughed.Thefamilydynamicalwaysenthralledme.Theywerealwayspickingonone

another,laughingatoneanother,playfullyarguing,andsmiling.Alwayssmiling.Ilovedthemsomuch.

ElizabethandIhadimmediatelybeendrawntoAlexandJaxbecauseoftheirkindnessandrespectfulness.

Afterwemettheirmom,itwasobviouswhytheyweresoamazing.

Alexhuggedhismotherandkissedherforehead.“Better?”

“Much,”shesaid,herbeautifulfacemockingirritation.“Yalittlebrat.It’sinthehallcloset.”

“Thanks,Momma,”hesaidbeforeheadingoutoftheroom.

NancywatchedeverystepthatAlexmadeuntilhewasoutofsight.Shewasbehavingvery

suspiciously,andIwasverycertainIknewwhy.Oncehewasoutofearshot,mysuspicionswere

confirmed.

“So…Andi…”Nancysaid.

“So…Nancy…”

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Aratherdevioussmilespreadacrossherface.“Whenareyougoingtomakeanhonestmanout

ofthatsonofmine?”

“What?”Iasked.“AlexandIarejustfriends.It’snotanythinglikethat.”

“Ithinkwebothknowthathe’dbeperfectlyhappychangingthat,”shesaid.

Inodded.“Iknow.Idon’tknowwhatyoudidwhileraisingthoseboys,butyousureknowhow

tomake‘em.Bothofthemareeverythingamanshouldbe.”

“Sooo?YouguysspendmoretimetogetherthanMadonnadoeswithahaircolor.You’realways

together.He’salwaystalkingaboutyou.Youwouldbeperfecttogether,”shesaid.

Isighed.“Wearejustverygoodfriends.Iknowit’sstrange.Menandwomendon’tusuallymake

verygoodfriends,buthe’sdifferent.Wearedifferent.I’mcompletelyincapableoftrustingsomeoneinthe

relationshipsenseofthings,andhe’sagentlemanandrespectswomen.Itworksoutgreat.I’mjustoneof

theguys.”

“Doyouactuallylikeitthatway,though?”Nancyasked,herdeepeyesboringintomine.“Do

youtrulylikebeingalone?”

Ishrugged.“I’mnotreallysureanymore.It’sbeenthreeyears.Youknowthestory.We’vespent

ourfairshareofnightstakingshotsandbondingoverourhatredformen.”

Nancylaughed.“Wehave.PerhapsIshouldn’thavedonethat,though.EspeciallyifImadeyou

evenmoreapprehensive.You’rejusteasytogetalongwith,andIdon’tliketoactmyage.”

Shewashilarious.Ilovedhertopieces.WhenAlexwasgoingthroughthepoliceacademy,he

wasn’tasavailableasusual.Forgoodreason.Thatleftmecompletelyaloneforthemostpart.Elizabeth

waspregnantandwithJax.Alexwassuperbusymakingalifeforhimself.AllIhadwaswork.Onenight,

IdrunktextedNancyinsteadofAlex.How,I’llneverknow,butithappened.Sheofferedtocomegetme

andwehungout.Wespenttheentirenightdrinkingandbashingtheterriblerelationshipsthatwe’dhad.

ShetoldmethatafterJaxhadendedupwithElizabeth,she’dhopedthatAlexandIwouldendup

together.Afterthatnight,however,sherealizedwhyIwassoapprehensive.Apparently,her

understandingwasbeginningtowearoff.Iunderstood.SheknewthatIwasagoodwoman.Itmadesense

thatshe’dwanthersonwithsomeonethathecouldtrust,buttrustingmewasn’ttheproblem.I’mavery

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good,decenthumanbeing.Itwasmyinabilitytoallowmyselftotrulycareforanyoneelsethatwouldbe

calledintoquestion.Hedidn’tdeservethat.

“Idon’twantyoutomisunderstand,”Istarted.“Alexiswonderful.YoujustknowthatIhave

trustissues.Youcouldn’tpossiblywantthatpinnedonhim,wouldyou?Alexiswaytoogoodtodeal

withthatbaggage.”

Shesteppedforward,herhandcomingtorestonthesideofmyface.“Oneofthesedays,that

willpass.Don’tclosedoorsbeforetheyevenopen.Youdeservehappiness,evenifitisn’twithmyson.

You’reagoodwomanandyoudeservetobehappy.It’stimethatyoustartedtoletyourselfmoveon.”

“Mom,”Alexsaid.“Leaveherbe.”

“Sorry!I’mjustaconcernedmother,that’sall,”shesaid.

“Justleavethatbe,Mom,”hesaid.Therewashumoronbothoftheirfaces,butIcouldtellthat

Alexwasembarrassed.

“Iseeyoufoundeverything,”Nancysaid.“Doesthatmeanyou’releavingnow?Ordidyouplan

tohangoutforawhile?”

“Allthestuffisbackatmyhouse,”Isaid.“So,we’llhavetogobackthere.I’lltrytohaveit

backtoyousoon.Ifyouneeditbacksooner,though,justletmeknow.”

“Youkidshavefun,”Nancysaid,givingbothofusahug.“Don’tworryaboutthemachine,Andi.

Irarelyuseit.Ifyouneedhelponthedresses,justletmeknow.Imaynotdoitoften,butI’mpretty

handy.”

“Thanks,Mom.Ithinkwe’regoingtoworkontheplansforthebachelorandbachelorette

parties,too,”hesaid.“We’vehadquiteafewrequestsfordetailsandwedon’thavethem.”

“Soundsfun,”Nancysaid.“Again,justletmeknowifyouneedanything.Iloveyouguys.”

Ismiled.Italwayswarmedmyheartwhenshetoldmethatshelovedme.Myownparents

weren’teventhatloving,letalonemyexin-laws.AlexandIleft,makingourwaybacktomyhouse.Our

foodwasjustshyofbeingcold,butwedidn’tmind.Wereheatedthefoodandatebeforesettingupmy

sewingtable.Alexbroughtmeashotandabeerbeforetakingaseatacrosstheroomonthecouch.

“Haveyouthoughtaboutthisatall?”Alexasked.“I’mnotsurewhatthey’dlike.”

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IthoughtforafewmomentsasIfinishedpinningthefirstedgeofthematerial.Ipositionedthe

fabricunderthepressure-foot,secureditinplace,andplacedmyfootonthepedal.

“Idoubtthatastripclubisinorder,”Ijoked.

“Dinneroracookoutwouldbetooboringforthis,”heresponded.

“Oh!”Isaid.“Whataboutthecasino?”

“Whichone?”Alexasked.

“WildHorses.Thatonehasagreatbarinit,”Isaid.

“Thatsoundsperfect.It’snottrashy,butit’snotboringeither.Iloveit,”hesaid.

Therewasapauseashebeganwritingdownafewthings.Iimaginedhewaswritingdownsome

notesanddifferentideas.Iusedthattimetomakethefirsthem.Itturnedouttobeagreatideatouse

Nancy’smachine.Herswassomuchnicer.

“So,whatwereyouandMomtalkingabout?”Alexasked.

“What?”Iwasabitconfusedbyhisquestion,givenhe’dwalkedinonusandhadinterrupted.

“Youstoppedtheconversation.Youtoldhertodropit.Iassumedthatyouknew.”

“Oh,no,”hesaid.“Iheardhertone.Ididn’thavetoactuallyhearthetopictoknowthatshewas

uptonogood.Ifiguredthatshewasgivingyouahardtime.Ifyoudon’twanttosay,that’sfine.Ijust

wantedtomakesureshewasn’tgivingyouahardtime.”

“Shewasbuggingmeaboutyouagain,”Isaid.

“Damnit.”Heshookhishead.“Ifiguredthatwasit.Icouldtellbyhertone.I’msosorry,Andi.”

“Oh,it’sfine,”Isaid.“Likeshesaid…She’sjustaconcernedmother.Shejustdoesn’t

understand.”

“That’smyfault,”hesaid.“Italkaboutyouallthetime.SheknowshowIfeelaboutyou.”

“Howyoufeelaboutme?”Isaid,smiling.

“Oh,hush.YouknowhowIfeel.Don’tpickonme,”hesaid,amusementinhisvoice.

“Idomissit,”Isaid.“Theclosenessofbeingwithsomeone,Imean.Imissit.”

“Idon’tknowhowyoucanstandit.I’vebeenhurtbefore,too.Ithinkthatmostpeoplehave.We

can’tletitcontrolus,though.Youjustkindofhavetolearntoletitgo,asshittyasthatsounds.Yousaw

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whatJaxandElizabethwentthroughandlookatthem,now.”

“Oh,Iremember,”Isaid.“IspentalotoftimetryingtoconvincehertoletthatdouchebagKevin

go.I’vealwaysbeenonetodealoutadvice,butnevertotakeit.”

“Clearly,”hepoppedoff.

“I’vehadabittoomuchtodrinktohavethisconversation,”Isaid.

“Why?Afraidyoumightbealittlebithonestforonceinsteadofavoidingthesubject?”

IsighedasIlookedawayfrommywork.IstaredatnothingasIthoughtmywordsovercarefully.

Itwastrue.I’dhadfartoomuchtodrinktobehavingaseriousconversation.Normally,thatwouldn’tbe

anissue.However,itwasjustasituationthatIdidn’twanttobeingiventhetopicathandandthatthe

personthatIwastalkingwithhadfeelingsforme.Thedepthofthosefeelingswerestillunknown,butthat

didn’tmakethemlessofaproblem.

“Yes,”Isaidfinally.“IknowthatI’llbeveryhonestandIdon’twanttohurtyourfeelings.

Wheremyheadis…Wheremyemotionalcapabilitiesare…”Isighedagain.“It’scomplicated.Idon’t

thinkthatyou’dlikemyanswer.”

“Whenhaveyoueverknownmetobejudgmental?I’veneverbeenupsetwithyoufortheway

thatyoufeel.Iwantyoutobehonest,”hesaid.

Inoddedbeforechuggingtherestofmybeer.Howladylike…

“Asyouwish,”Isaid.“Here’sthething.IknowthatI’mincapableoflettingsomeonein.Iknow

that.Ican’thelpit.Yes,itwillgoaway,butrightnowIcan’t.Thatdoesn’tmean,however,thatIdon’t

missthecontact.Imisskissing.Snuggling.Sex.God,doImissthesex.It’sbeenaverylongtimeforme.

IfI’mtobecompletelyhonest,whereIaminmyliferightnow,abeneficialfriendwouldbethebestthing

forme.”

“Abeneficialfriend?”heasked.

“Yes.Friendswithbenefits.Someonetohangoutwith.SomeonethatIcouldbemyselfwith.I

wanttolaughaboutstupidthings,maketerribleorpervertedjokeswithoutjudgment,havemyfreedomto

dowhateverIwantwithoutangeringorupsettinganyone,drinkbeerandgoouttothebarwithfriends,or

withhimandsomefriends,gohomewithhimandhaveallthefunthatIcanhandle,andthensendhisass

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homeafter.Thatsoundsperfecttome.IfIfeellikegoingoutwithafriend,Ican.There’snosuspicionor

weirdness,especiallywhenI’mthemostloyalpersonI’veevermet.Icanjustgohavefunwithoutfeeling

badaboutit.There’snofeelings.He’snotgoingtogetupsetwhenIwantmyalonetime.Hell,he’d

probablylikethataboutme.There’snoawkwardness.Justfun.Pleasure.Sex.Lotsandlotsofsex.Sooo

muchsex.”

“Sooomuchofit,huh?”heasked,laughingabit.

“Youhavenoidea,”Isaid.ThealcoholwasgettingtomeabitmorethanI’dthought.“Iwantto

beyoung.Iwanttoenjoymylife.”

“Butyoudon’twanttheemotionalpainandbaggagethatcomesalongwithit,”Alexsaid.

“Yes!Exactly,”Isaid.

“DidyoueverstoptothinkthatIcouldbethatforyou?”heasked.

Mybrainstoppedatthatmoment.I’dthoughtaboutit,butknewthatwasn’tpossible.Tohearhim

sayit,Ifoundasmallpartofmeperkingupinhopesthatitcouldhappen.Intruth,Ibelievedthatwasthe

boozeandhormonestalking.IthadbeenaverylongwhilesinceI’dbeenwithanyoneandAlexwasa

deliciousmalespecimen.

“Youcouldn’tdothat,”Isaid.

“Whynot?”heasked.

“Becauseyouhavefeelingsforme,”Ireplied.“Thepointinhavingafriendwithbenefitsisthat

therearenofeelingsinvolved.Youalreadyhavefeelingsforme.”

“So?ThatonlymeansthatI’dtakebettercareofyou.ItalsomeansthatI’mnotgoingtogo

screwingaroundwithotherrandompeopleandriskyourhealth.Maybeyoushouldn’tfriendzonemeso

quickly.”

Ilaughed.“Friendzone.IguessIreallyhavedonethat.Still…Thethingisthatmostwomen

wouldsayyou’rejustsayingwhateveryouhavetojusttogetinmypants.Myproblemisthatyou’re

sayingwhateveryoucantobewithmeinwhateverwayyoucanbe.Ifgettinginmypantsistheonlyway

youcanbewithme,thenyou’lltakeit.Thatsoundsterrible.”

“Hellyeah,itdoes.Butanythingwillsoundliketheworstideaeverifyoubreakitdownfar

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enough.You’rejustlookingintoittoomuch.DiditeveroccurtoyouthatI’dliketohaveabeneficial

friend?Idon’thavealotoftimeforagirlfriend.Notwithmybestfriendtakingupallmytime,anyway.”

“Right.Mebeingyourbestfriend,”Isaid.

“Right.So,withyoutakingupallmyfreetimeandworktakinguptherest,howamIsupposedto

findagirlfriend?Plus,itwouldbeexhaustingtofindagirlthatisasunderstandingofmyscheduleat

work,mygoals,andmydedicationtofamilyandfriends.Mostpeoplethesedaysareveryselfish.Men

andwomenbothwanteverythingtobeaboutthem.Familygoestotheside.I’llbedamnedifI’mletting

someonepushmeawayfrommynephew.SeemstomethatI’mnotreallyreadytotrytofindareal

relationship,either.However,justlikeyou,Ifindmyselfmissingsex.Physicalintimacy.Theabilityto

expressmyselfinthatway.So,Ithinkyou’vejustoverlookedaperfectlygoodmatch.”

He’dcrossedtheroomandwasstandingnexttomethen.Hewaslookingdownatmewith

focusedeyesandabeautifulsmileonhisface.

“Howdoyouknowthatwe’recompatibleinthatarea?”Iasked.“Thisisaprettybig

conversationandI’mdrunk.”

Helaughed.“That’sexactlywhyI’mnotmakingamoveonyoutonight.Iwantyoutothinkabout

it.Iwantyoutofantasizeaboutiteven.I’vecaughtyoulookingatme.Iknowyouwantme.”

Myeyeswidenedasmyjawfellopen.Icouldn’tbelievehecalledmeoutinsuchaway.I

smackedathimandheeasilydodgedit,bothofusgigglingintheprocess.

“You’recertainlyfullofyourself,aren’tyou?”Iasked.

Alexshrugged.“Notatall.Ijustknowthatwebothfindoneanotherattractive.Itwouldn’tbea

terriblematch,evenifitwasonlytemporary.”

“That’sagoodpoint.Itcouldbeverytemporary.Whatthen?Whataboutyourfeelingsthen?

Couldyoureallyputyourselfandyourfeelingsasideforme?Forthis?Anotherquestion…ShouldIbe

willingtobeselfish,whenitgoesagainsteverythingIam,justtogetwhatIwant?Itwouldbeterriblefor

metoputyouandyourfeelingsasidejusttogetwhatIwant.You’dhavefun,too,butstill.”

“YoumakethemistakeofthinkingthatI’mfragileandinnocent.ThisisoneareawhereJaxandI

areverydifferent.Don’tmakeyourdecisionnow.Rightnow,wehavewaytoomuchtoworryabout.You

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needtogetagoodstartonthatdress,andIneedtocomeupwithanamazingpartyplan.I’mjusttiredof

youtreatingmelikethedelicatelittleboydownthestreetthatmaybreakifyoubreatheonhimthewrong

way.I’mnotnearlyassoftasyouthink.”

HewasthesameAlexasalways.Hissmileandgentleexpressionshowedhiskindnessasit

oftendid.Still,therewassomethingjustunderthesurface.Somethingdarker.Maybenotdark,Isuppose,

butcertainlynaughty.Ithadmerathercurious.PerhapsIhadmisjudgedhimafterall…MaybeAlexwas

capableofbeingmorethanjustfriends.

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ChapterThree

Thenightbeforehadcertainlybeenastrangeturnofevents.Ihadnotbeenexpectinganything

likethat.Atall.Alexissosweetandkind.He’swonderful.Ididn’texpecthimtospeakuplikehedid.I

couldn’tdenythattheideawasenticing.WhatIcouldn’tgetpast,however,wasthefactthatthemanhad

feelingsforme.ThatcouldendupbeingdevastatingforhimlateronifIdecidedtostop.Orworse…

WhatifImetsomeoneelseanddecidedtodatethembecauseI’dputhiminacategorywhereIcouldonly

seehimasmyfriendthatIhadsexwith?Hewouldbesohurtandconfused.I’mnotevenconsideringthat

asarealpossibility,butIwouldnevercompletelyruleitout.Thingshappen.

AsImademywaytothenurses’stationatwork,mymindwandered.Icouldn’thelpbutthink

abouttheproposition.I’dbeenfartoodrunktoconsideranythinglikethatatthatmoment.Itmademe

happythathewassuchagentlemanaboutitanddidn’ttrytopushit,ormakeamoverightthen.Assoon

asIroundedthedesk,theunitphonethatIcarriedonmyhipbegantoring.

“Rochester,”Isaid.

“ThisisJessicafromER.Weneedhelphere.Badly.Canyouspareanyone?”

“What’sgoingon?”Iasked.“Icancomedown.Otherthanthat,weareshortstaffed.Oneofour

girlsisoutfromsurgeryandanotherisoutsick.”

“WehavealargeMVAcomingin.Theycalledaheadtoletusknow.Athird-shifterallegedly

fellasleepatthewheelandcrossedtheyellowline,forcingaschoolbusofftheroad.”

“Oh,myGod,”Isaid.Iwantedtohopethatthekidsdidn’tgethurt,butIknewbetter.Ifthey

werecallingforhelp,thentherewerequiteafewpeopleinjured.“What’sthetotal?Howbadarethe

kids?”

“Thishappenedonthesouthsideoftown.They’retakingtheleastcriticalpatientsnorth.

Someoftheintermediateonesaswell.Allthecriticalpatientsarecominghereandthechopperison

stand-byifwecan’thandlethem.Fromwhatwecantell,thedriverofthecarismostlyfine.He’s

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stable.Thebus,however,ranofftheroadandrolleddownthehillsideintothecornfieldthere.The

kidsandbusdriveraren’tdoingwell.”

Ifelttearstryingtowellinmyeyes.Allthosepoorbabies.

“I’llworkongettingalistofnamesofthekidsonthatbus.Weneedtostartcallingfamilyfor

importanthistory.Callmewhentheambulancesstarttoarrive,”Isaid.

Aspromised,Ibegancallingthelocalschools.Theywerealreadyawareofthewreckbecause

ofthepolice,whichspeduptheprocess.Theyalreadyhadalistofnamesreadyandthepolicewere

alreadyworkingonalertingthefamilymembers.Thatdidn’tmatter,though,asI’dhavetocallagainto

findoutaboutanypressingthingslikeallergies.

Therewerekidsthatrangedinagefromkindergartenallthewaytoseniors,thoughitwasmostly

youngerchildren.BeforeIbeganmakingcalls,Ineededtofindoutwhichkidswerecomingtome.I

didn’twanttowastetimecallingandfindinginformationonpatientsthatweren’twithme.LikeJessica

hadsaid,allmykidswerecritical.Theotherswereokay.

BeforeheadingdowntotheER,Iretrievedalargecartandthrewextrablankets,towels,cloths,

bandages,suturekits,gloves,andanythingelsethatIcouldgrabinahurrythatwouldhelpwith

stabilizing.Ialsopulledtheextraportabledefibrillatorandtookit.WehadseveralofthemintheICU

unitandIonlyhadtwopatients.Well…twopatientsatthatmoment,thoughIknewthatwasaboutto

change.TherewasonlyoneothernurseandaCNAonmyfloor,butIhopedthey’dbeabletohandlethe

extraweightoncewestabilizedtheothers.

ImademywaydowntotheERandsawthattheywereonalert.Theywerepreppingroomsand

doingthesamethingthatI’ddone,fillingcartsandputtingthemoutintheopensothesupplieswereeasy

toreach.TheERwasalwayswell-stocked,butinasituationthatbig,Iwasn’tsuretheycouldhandleit.

Bettertobesafethansorry.

“ThankGodyou’rehere,”Jessicasaid.

Herdarkeyeswerewide.Sheseemedmorealertthanafraid.Shepulledherblondehairdown

fromitsponytailholderandpulleditupeventighter.

“Me,too,”Isaid.“Ibroughtsomeextrasupplies.Howmuchlonger?”

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“Lastcheck,thefirsttwoambulancesweretenminutesout.Thatwasaboutfiveminutesago.We

shouldseethemanytimenow.It’sbeenawhilesincewe’vehadanythingthisbig.”

“It’llbeokay,”Isaid.“Whentheycomein,Ineedalistofnamesofthepatientsthatwehave.I

havealistthatIgotfromtheschoolandtheircontactinformation.Theyfaxeditover.Ijusthavetomatch

thenameswehaveherebeforewestartmakingcalls.Aslongasthey’vebeenpatientsherebefore,we

shouldbeabletopulltheimportantstuffformostofthembymatchingtheirnameandaddresstowhatwe

haveonfile.Weshouldbeabletogetallergiesthatway;calltheparentstoconfirm.”

IsentJessicatocalltheambulancesthatwereinroutetogetthenamesofthepatientsthatthey

hadready.Shethenwenttoworkmatchingeverythinginourrecords.We’dgottenluckywiththefirst

batch,butthatwouldn’tbethecasewitheveryone.

Whenthefirsttwoambulancesarrived,weweremorethanready,orsoI’dthought.Oneofthe

children,alittlegirl,wasunconsciouswithapossibleconcussion.Theotherwasawake,buthysterical.

Shewasterrified.Therewasnothingworsethandealingwithchildren.Itwasheartbreaking.Itwas

rewardingonthebackend,oncetheywereonthemendandtheywereabletosmileagain,butthestart

wasterrible.Seeingtheirscaredlittlefaceslookupatyouwithtotaltrustthatyou’llfixeverythingand

makeitbetter,butastheadultinthesituation,havingtheknowledgethatitsometimesdoesn’tworkout

thatway…Itwashard.So,soveryhard.

ItooktheunconsciousgirlandJessicatookthehystericalgirl.OnceIgotherinaroom,Inoticed

thatherlipswerealittleblue.

“Herlipsarecyanotic,”Isaid,theparamedicacrossthegurneyfrommeimmediatelychecking

her.

“Shit.She’sstoppedbreathing.Shewasstablewhenwegotherintheambulance.Shewas

stableallthewayhere,”hesaid.Joshwashisname,Ithink.

“Well,sheisn’tnow.Startcompressions.I’mgettingthecrashcart,”Iordered.

Thebigcrashcartwasrightoutsidetheroom.Iquicklywheeleditinsidenexttothebed.I

turneditonandreadiedthemachine.JoshmovedtothesideasIcuthershirtoffandplacedthepads.One

onherupperrightchest,oneonherlowerleftside.JoshgavehertwomorebreathsasIattachedthepads

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totheAED,ordefibrillator.Iwaitedamomentasitreadforherheartrhythm,buttherewasnothing.

Imanuallycheckedagainforbreathsoundsandaheartbeat,buttherewasnothing.

“There’snothing.I’mgoingtoshockher.Clear!”Isaid,givingeveryoneamomenttobackaway.

Ipushedthebutton,hertinybodyjumping.Stillnopulse.ItookoverCPRmyself.Icontinuedfor

twominutesbeforereassessing.Nothing.Icouldn’tloseher.Shewasmyfirstpatientoftheday,andIjust

couldn’tlosealittlegirl.Someone’sbaby.Shewasjustonherwaytoschool.Justaninnocentlittlegirl

withbeautifuldarkhair,lightblueeyes,andthetiniestdustingoffrecklesacrossthebridgeofhernose.

Shewasperfect.Itwasmyjobtomakesureshestayedthatway.

Ichargedthepadsagain.CPRdidn’twork,andI’dhavetoshockheragain.

“Clear!”Isaidagain.

Onceagain,Ipushedthebuttononceeveryonewasoutoftheway.Iwantedtothrowupinmy

moutheverytimeIsawthejoltpassthroughhertinyform.Shecouldn’thavebeenmorethansevenyears

old.

Assoonastheshockwasclear,Icheckedforheartrateandbreathing.Stillnothing.Ibeganmy

secondroundofCPR.I’djustgivenherasecondbreathwhenIfeltherbodytwitchonitsown.Igrabbed

mystethoscopeandcheckedforsounds.Anysounds.Thereitwas…Thetiniestlittleheartbeat.

“Doyouhaveanameonher?”IaskedtoJosh.

“Actually,I’mprettysureshetoldmethathenamewasAndi,”hesaid.

“Seriously?”Iasked.Henodded.“Hmm.Well,she’sLittleAndi,now.IneedJessica.”

“I’llgether,”Joshsaid.

He’dnomorethangottentothedoorbeforeJessicacamerunningin.

“Yes?Everythingokayinhere?”sheasked.

“Isyourpatientstable?”Iasked.

“Absolutely,”shesaid.“What’sgoingon?”

“Mineisn’t.Ineedachartonthisgirl.JoshsaidthathernameisAndi.Canyouchecktheroster

andseeifyoucanfindanyallergiesonher?”

“Onit,”shesaid.

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Ispentthenextfewminutesmonitoringherintensely.Iperformedafullassessment,lookingfor

bruisingandrigidityintheabdomen,anythingthatwouldsuggestinternalbleeding.Icheckedeverything

thatIcouldwithoutamachine.Therewasbloodontherightsideofherheadtowardtheback.Itwas

hiddenbyherthick,darkhair.

Aftercoveringherexposedchestandbellywithagown,Ibegancheckingherpulsesandalso

placedanIV.Nodoubtshe’dneedfluids,andifshecodedagain,she’dpotentiallyneedsomeserious

medicationtosaveher.Iplacedmyfingersonherankletocheckthepulseonherlowerextremities,andI

feltherjerk.Ilookedupintimetoseehergrabholdofmyleftarmthathadbeennexttoherside.Her

eyeswereslowatfirst,thenshebeganlookingaround,theriseandfallofherchestcomingquickerand

quickerastheconfusionsetin.

“Andi?”Isaid.“Andi.Isthatyourname?”

Icametoherside,takingherhandandenvelopingitinbothofmine.Shebegantowhimperand

whine,thesoundgettinglouderandlouderasshefranticallylookedaround,searchingforanything

familiar.IfIdidn’tcalmherquickly,shewouldstartscreamingwithinmoments.

“Andi!”Icalledoutagain,tryingtogetherattention.Igentlytouchedthesideofherfaceandher

eyessnappedmywaysofastthatIdidn’tevenseethemmove.“Hi,there.IsyournameAndi?”

Hereyesrolledaroundagainasshesearchedtheroom.“Y-y-yes,”shestammered.Itcouldhave

beenfear,confusion,braintrauma,orjustafriendlyol’stutter.

“Wannahearsomethingfunny?MynameisAndi,too!”

“R-really?”sheasked.

Icouldfeelhertinybodyshaking.

“Itsureis!So,you’llbeabletorememberit,yeah?”

Shenoddedinresponsetomyquestion.

“Good!”Isaid,tryingtosoundpeppy.“LikeIsaid,mynameisAndi,andI’manurse

practitioner.Doyouknowwhatthatis?”

SheshookherheadandwincedinwhatIassumedwaspain.

“Whathurts?”Iasked.

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“Myhead,”shesaid.Nostutter.Good.Ihopeditwasjusthernerves.

“That’sverygoodtoknow,Andi.Thankyoufortellingme.I’manursepractitioner.Itmeansthat

I’mnotadoctor,butI’maspecialkindofnurse.Nursesarespecialanyway,though,right?Wearelike

superheroes.Wesavetheday.I’mgoingtoneedyoutotalktomeandtrytostayawake,okay?”

Jessicaranintotheroom.“AndiHayes.She’sallergictoPenicillin.Shebreaksoutinhives,but

noanaphylaxis.Icalledhermother.Theyareontheirwayin.”

Ismiled.“Didyouhearthat?”Iasked.“Yourmomisonherwayhere.Untilthen,I’mgoingto

getyousometests,okay?Ineedtoseeinsidethatprettyheadofyours.”

“Willyougowithme?”sheasked.

Ismiledagain.Itwasforcedthattime.Inreality,Iknewthereweremorechildrencomingin.A

lotmore.Ineededtobeabletotakecareofasmanyaspossible,butIcouldn’tletLittleAndigowith

anyonethatcouldn’tsaveherifshecodedagain.Ihadafeelingshehadalotofswellingandthather

beingawakeandtalkingwasthecalmbeforethestorm.

“Ofcourse!”Isaid.“Ican’tsendmybestgirldowntherealone,nowcanI?We’retwins!”

Shegiggled.“Wearen’ttwins,silly.”

“Why?BecauseI’mtooold?”Iasked,takingthebrakesoffherbed.

“Yeah.You’retooold.You’rereallypretty,though!”

“Old,butpretty.IthinkI’lltakeit,”Isaid.“Jessica,I’dlikeyoutoaccompanyme,please.Grab

thecrashcart,ifyoucan.Asforyou,LittleAndi,Ineedyoutostaycalmandstaystill.Trynottomove

toomuch,okay?Iwantyoutotellmeifyoufeellikepassingout,orstarthurtingalot.”

“Okay,”LittleAndisaid.

Jessicawasgreat.ShekepttalkingtoLittleAndiasIkepttomyselfinmymind.Iranthroughthe

possibilitiesandwhatIcouldtalkaboutwiththedoctors.IwantedtomakesurethatIhadaplanbeforeI

figuredanythingout.Iwasterrifiedofanythingthatcouldgowrong.Shewassuchasweetlittle

munchkin.

“OldAndi?”

Jessicachokedonalaughbehindus.Ittookquiteabitformenottolaughaswell.

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“Yes,sweetheart?”Iresponded.

“AmIgoingtodie?”

Aaandthereitwent.AllhumorgoneasmyemotionsandfearsqueezedmychestsotightthatI

couldhardlybreatheinthatmoment.Ihopedmyheartwouldn’tfalloutonthefloor.Thatpoorbaby.The

sadthingwasthatIcouldn’tpromiseher.Iknowthat’sterrible,butIcouldn’t.NotonlydidInotknowifI

couldkeepit,asshe’dalreadycodedonce.ButIcouldn’tbearthethoughtoftheguiltI’dhavetolive

withifIlosther.Instead,IdidwhatIalwaysdid.Chosemywordscarefully.

“Oh,honey.Youhavenoreasontoworryaboutthat,okay?I’mhere.Jessica’shere.We’regoing

totakecareofyou.Justsittight.Wearegoingtolookinyourheadandseehowhardyoubumpedit.”

“Itrustyou,”shesaid.

Bestill,myweepingheart.Thetrustofachildwaspure.Innocent.Itwastheonlytrustthat

matteredinthisworldbecauseitwastheonlyrealtrust.Icouldn’tletherdown.

IpushedherbedintotheroomwiththeCTscan.Ihighlydoubtedshe’dstaystillandquiet

enoughinanenclosedmachine,sotheMRIwasout.Iparkedhernexttothemachinebeforeturningto

Jessica,myvoicebarelyawhisper,Itoldher,“CallDoctorWilson.Getherinhere.Now.”

“Iseverythingokay?”Jessicaasked,herhushedtonematchingmine.

“Ihaveabadfeeling.Just…Please,callher.Iknowshehasableed.Ijustknowit.Wedon’t

havealotoftime.I’vewastedenoughkeepinghercalm.Ineededherquietandstillenoughtogetclear

imaging.Ithinkshewillcodeagain.IjustwantDoctorWilsonhere.”

Jessicanoddedbeforeheadingthroughthedoorbehindtheglasswindow.

“OldAndi?”

“Yes,baby,”Isaid,comingtoherside.“Areyouscaredofthemachine?”

Shenodded,givingasmallmmhmm.

Ismiled.“Don’tbescared.I’vebeeninthisthingacoupleoftimesmyself.It’ssuperweird,but

it’sverysafe.Itmakesafunnysound.ThisiswhattheycallanopenCTmachine.It’sopenonbothsides,

soyoudon’tfeelsoenclosed.IalwaysclosemyeyeswhenIgoin.Thenit’slikeafunlittleride.”

Jessicahadjustreturned,givingmeanodtoletmeknowthatitwasdone.Shecontinuedchatting

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withourlittlepatient.Shewasverysmartandveryinquisitive.Uponasking,shesaidthatherheadwas

hurtingworse,then.Wedidn’thavemuchtime.Ifthebleedwasbadenough,shecouldstartseizing,she

couldcodeagain,orevendie.Iwasveryworried.

JessicaandIhadjustgottenheronthenarrowtablethatwouldmovebackandforththroughthe

CTmachinewhenDoctorSaunderswalkedin.Hewasareallygreatdoctor.Hewastheveryonethathad

assistedElizabethandIwhenNancyhadbeencoding.Definitelyagoodguytohavearound.

“Iwastoldthatwehaveatinypatientabouttogetherheadchecked,”hesaid,tryingtosound

positive.

Inodded,hopingthatthelookonmyfacegaveawaymyworry.Sandy,oneofthetechsin

Radiology,helpedusgetLittleAndiready.

“Ihavetogointhatlittleroomrightoverthere,”Isaid.“I’llberightthere.I’mnotgoingfar.”

“I’mscared,”shesaid.“Idon’tfeelgood.”

“Iknow,sweetheart.Wehavetohurryandgetthisdone,sowecanseeyourlittlehead.Wehave

tomakesureweknowhowtohelpyou,butwehavetohurry.”Andwedid.Hadshebeenanadult,I’d

havetoldthemtorelaxbecauseweneededtomakesuretheyweren’tbleedingtodeath.Thatusuallyshuts

anadultup.Achild,however,issomuchharder.Weneededherstill,orwewouldn’tseeanything.“I’ll

tellyouwhat…I’llbeinthatroom,butthere’sareallyneatmicrophoneinthere.Icantalktoyou.Don’t

talkbacktome,though.Notunlessyoustartfeelingsuperweird,orifyourheadachegetsreallybad.

That’sthedeal.”

“Okay.Willyousingtome?”sheasked,herlittlevoiceshakingastearsrandownherround

face.Shewasterrified,butholdingittogethersowell.Shewasatoughcookie.

“Ifyoupromisetobereallystillandreallygood,andyoupromisetoletusdothisrightnow,I

willsingtoyou.You’renotallowedtomakefunofme,though.”

Shesmiled.Itmusthavebeenpartiallyforcedasitdidn’tquitereachherbeautifulblueeyes.

“Deal.Ipromise.”

Inodded.“Herewego,then.”

Withouteventhinkingaboutit,Ileanedoverandkissedherdirtylittleforehead.Therewasa

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tinycomfortedmoanthatescapedherthroat,andInearlychokedasItriedtoholdbacktears.Ihadn’t

plannedtokissher,butitjustseemedlikethethingtodo.MymomalwaysdidthatwhenIwaslittleandit

alwaysmademefeelbetter.WhenIsawthetearsinhereyesandtheforcedsmileonherfaceasIstood

up,IknewIwasrighttodoit.

“I’llbebraveforyou,OldAndi,”shesaid.

“Mmhmm!”wasallIcouldmanage.Igaveherhandasqueezeandboltedoutofthereandinto

theadjacentroombeforeshesawmyeyes.

AsIwalkedintheroom,DoctorSaunderstoldmethathe’dcalledforsomeonetobringa

mobileEKGdown.Weneededtoattachittoher,sowecouldmonitorherheart.Itshouldbetherebythe

timeweweredone.

“Areyouokay?”Jessicaasked.

“You’veaskedmethatadozentimes,Ifeellike,”Isaid,wipingacoupleoftearsfrommyface.

Shesmiledatme.“Well,someonehasto.Trytorelax.Wehaveagoodteam.Wewon’tlet

anythinghappentoher.”

InoddedasIleanedovertothemic.“Okay,Andi.Don’tmoveyourbody,butgivemeathumbs

upifyoucanhearme.”

Herlittlehandmoved,butbarely.Itseemedweak.Still,itwaswhatIaskedfor.Ibegansinging

toherthen.Icouldn’treallythinkofanythingspecial,soIstartedsingingsomethingthatIlovedthatwas

sweetandchildappropriate.BeautifulbyChristinaAguilera.EveryonewatchedintentlyasIsangto

LittleAndi,hopingthatitwouldkeephercalmandhappy.

TheCTbeganmovinginandout,thespinningmotorinsidewindingupandslowingdown,then

speedinguponceagain.Sandyaskedmetotellheritwasabouttobeginandtobesuperstill.IdidasI

wasaskedandbegansingingagain.

“OldAndi,”shesaid,hervoicestillshaky.

“Trytostaystill,baby.Weneedagoodpicture,”Isaid.

Shegroanedloudly.“Butmyhead.Myhead,Andi.Itfeelslikeit’ll‘splode!”

“Getwhatyouneedandgetheroutofthere.Sheneedstogotosurgery,now.I’llcallNeuro,”

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DoctorSaunderssaid.

“Ol…An…”Hervoicefadedinandout.

“She’scrashing!”Icriedout.

SandyshutdownthemachineasDoctorSaunders,Jessica,andIallranoutoftheroomand

rushedtoherside.IwasthelastoneoverasIhittheCODEbuttononthewall.Thecrashcartwasclose,

thankstoJessica,andwewenttoworktogetherback.Everythingwasabluratthatmoment,andIwas

gratefulthatSaunderswasthere.Hewasabeaconintheheavyfogintherockybay.Heguidedme.

IcouldhardlyhearanythingasmymindwasscreamingloudenoughthatIwascertaineveryone

intheroomcouldhear.IheardthenamesofsomemedsbeingcalledoutbySaunders.Epi.Bicarb.Iran

outoftheroomtogetthoseandatubekit.Sheneededtobeintubated.WhenIreturned,IfocusedhardasI

forcedtheroomtostopswirling.ImeasuredouttheneededdosefortheEpinephrineandaskedJessicato

confirmitwascorrect.IknewIcouldadminister,butwantedtomakeabsolutelycertaindoseswere

correct.Iknewbetterthannottowithmyadrenalineandemotionssohigh.

TwoshocksandthreeroundsofCPRlater,wegotherback.Almostexactlyasbefore.Thattime,

shedidn’tseemtowakeup,thoughherbodywassensitivetopain.Thatwasgood.Icheckedherpupils

andtheleftwasdilated,indicativeofabrainbleed.IattachedabagtothetubethatDoctorSaundershad

placedandcompressediteverfewseconds.Someonewouldhavetocontinuetodosountilshewas

upstairsandonaventilator.

“Andi,callDoctorLacey.IcalledNeuro,butIgotnoanswer.Callherdirectly.She’sthebest

Neurosurgeonwehave.I’vegotLittleAndifromhere.Youdidwell,”hesaid.

Inodded.Ididn’thavetheenergytoarguewithhim.Honestly,Ididn’thavethebrainto.Itfelt

likemush.Gettingattachedtopatientswasahugeno-no,andthatwaspreciselythereasonwhy.Itactually

hinderscareinanemergency.I’dalwaysbeensogreatatkeepingdistance,butkids…Therewasa

reasonwhyIstayedfarawayfrompediatrics.

IdidasDoctorSaundersaskedmetoandthenrantothebathroomtothrowup.Forgood

measure,Ithrewupafewmoretimes.Ineededtopurgeallofthatandthrowingup–whilehideousand

disgusting–wasalsoeffective.OnceIwasfinished,Ibrushedmyteethusingoneofthedisposable

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toothbrushesandtinytubesoftoothpastethatwasonanearbytoiletrycart.Iwashedmyhandsacoupleof

times,thenheadedbacktotheER.LittleAndiwasingreathandswithDoctorSaunders.Hewasoneof

thebestI’devermet.IhadmanymorepatientscominginandICUwasabouttofillup.Therewastoo

muchworkformetodotojustgiveintomyemotions.

Itookadeepbreathandsteeledmyself,pushingthatsweetlittlefaceoutofmymind.Iwould

calltocheckonhersurgeryassoonasIgotachance.Infact,IknowthatI’dendupcheckingonhermany

times.

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ChapterFour

Itwasgettingeasiertogetmyconfidencebackwiththenexttwoambulancesthatshowedup,

evenwiththeknowledgethattherewouldbemanymorepatientstocome.WithLittleAndistillrawinmy

mind,Ikeptmyselfatadistanceandfocusedstrictlyoncare.Iallowedthesecondarycaregiversdoall

thesweettalking.Otherwise,I’drisklettingmypatientdownallover.

Therewereseveralemergencyvehiclesthathadcomefromoutoftowntohelpwiththeaccident

andtheywereallbeginningtoshow.Tenambulancesinourreceivingareaandweweremaxedout.We

workedhardandfasttostabilizeandgetthemuptoICU,butthatposeditsownissue.Whowouldcare

fortheminICU?

Wepullednursesfromalloverthehospitalandafewmoredoctorswerecalledinaswell.I

wasinchargeofstabilizingandthenmovingthepatientsuptoICU.Iwouldgivethepatientinformation

tothestaffthatIhadavailable,thatwasgrowingbytheminute,thengetthepatientcomfortable,andthen

headbackdowntotheERandstartoveragain.Ittookalongtimetogeteverythingsettled.

Someofthepatientswererushedintosurgerywithinternalbleedingandothervariousissues,

whileotherswereshippeduptoICU.Someofthemweresenttothethirdandfourthfloorswhichwas

wherewekeptournon-criticalpatientsforgeneralmonitoring.Thosepatientswereconsidered

completelystable,butunabletoleave.Theywouldstayfortwenty-fourhoursorso,longerifthedoctor

feltnecessary,andthentheywouldbedischarged.

Thedaywaslongandrelentless.Itdidn’tendoncethe“emergency”ofitallwasover.Thatwas

onlythebeginning.Afterthatcamethemonitoring,thecrashingofthoseinICU,theadmissionsofthose

comingoutofsurgery.Nooneate.Noonetookabreak.Ididn’tevenrememberseeinganyonegotothe

bathroom.Itwascommoninthemedicalfield.Itwasdisturbinghowhightheratesofurinarytract

infectionswereinnurses.Consistentlygoingfullshiftswithoutusingthebathroomwasdetrimentaltothe

health,butitwaseasytoforgettodo.

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Bythetimethatmyshiftended,Iwasstillwrappingthingsup.Myentirebodyached.Iwas

exhausted.LittleAndiwasheavyonmymind.Theyhadtobringherbackagaininthemiddleofsurgery.

Theneurologistsaidthatifshehadn’tgottenuptherewhentheydid,shewouldhavedied.Thebleeding

hadbecomesobadthatitwaspressingonsomeprettyterriblethings.Iwasgratefulwehadsucha

wonderfulteam.

Theonlythingthatheldmetogetherwasthefactthatwedidn’tloseasinglepatient.Therewere

threechildreninICUthatwerebeingheavilywatched.Oneofthemhadabrokenneckfrombeingtossed

aroundintherollingbus.Theotherchild,alittleboy,hadsevereintracranialswelling.Surgical

interventionwasstillaveryrealpossibilityifitcouldn’tbecontrolledonitsown.ThentherewasLittle

Andi.Thosechildrenwereourmostcritical,buttheywerealive.

Iwenttoseeheronthewayoutofthebuilding.Shewasstillunconsciousandonaventilator.

Herlittleheadwaswrappedinalargebandage.Shelookedlikealittlealien.IsmiledasIthoughtabout

tellingherthatwhenshewokeup.HerparentshuggedmewhenIwalkedin.DoctorSaundersandDoctor

LaceytoldthemthelengthsI’dgonetoinordertotakecareofher,includingsingingtoherintheCT

room.Theywereverygratefulforeverything,whichmadeitevensweeter.Ilovedthosestories.Itmade

allthathard,relentlessworksoworthitjustknowingthatIwasabletochangealife.

IaskedifIcouldstayawhileandholdherhand.Themotherwasalltoohappytoagree,aswas

therestofherfamily.Isatnexttoherbedanddidjustthat.Hermother,Jackie,askedifIwouldpraywith

her.I’dneverbeenthatgreatatprayingwithotherpeople,butIcertainlywasn’tgoingtoturnitdown.In

fact,itmovedmethatshewouldincludemeinsomethingsopersonal.

Afteraboutforty-fiveminutes,IdecidedthatIneededtogetoutofthere.LittleAndiwasingood

handsandhadlotsoflovewithher.Shewouldbeokay.Ijustknewit.IhadtogetoutoftherebeforeI

decidedtostopfightingtheurgetocrawlinbedwithherandsleep.

Ontopofthephysicalexhaustionthattheactionofthedaybrought,therewastheemotional

exhaustion.Somanymothersandfathers.Somanybrothersandsisters.Theywereallamess.Crying,

beggingforinformationthatwesimplydidnothave.Therewereprayergroupsgoinginthewaitingroom

andmyheartbrokeeverytimeIhadtowalkoutthere.

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Theinvestigationintotheaccidentprovedjustthat.Ithadbeenanaccident.Themaledriverhad

indeedfallenasleepatthewheel.Infact,itwashisemployer’sfault.Theyhadforcedhimtoworka

doubleshiftthreedaysthatweek.Hewasasinglefatherandstillhadtotakehisownchildrenbackand

forthfromschool,sohissleepwasnearlynon-existent.Hisbloodandurinecamebackcompletelyclear.

Itwasasimplemistakebyamanthathadbeenranasfarashecouldgo.Iwasrelievedtohearthatno

chargeswouldbebroughtagainsthim.

Hewasonmyfloor,thoughhewasn’tintheICU.IcametocheckonhimbeforeIleftandhe

brokemyheart.Hewasamess.Itwasobviousthathe’dbeencryingforawhile.Hefeltsomuchguiltfor

whathadhappened.Beforehistoxscreencameback,officersstoodoutsidehisroom.Itwasmoreforhis

protectionthananythingelse.Theywereafraidsomeangryparentswoulddiscoverwhatroomhewasin

andhurthim.Oncetheconclusiontotheinvestigationcameoutandtheparentswereallinformedofwhat

reallyhappenedandthesituationthefatherwasin,theywereallveryunderstandingandsweet.

Hetoldmethatseveralpeoplecamebyhisroom.Icouldseethat.Therewereballoonsand

flowersalloverhisroom.Oneofthemomswasadaycareproviderandofferedtotakehiskidstoschool

inthemorningforhimonherwaytowork.Shealsosaidthatshecouldsendsomeonetopickthemupon

thedayswhenhehadtoworkoversothathecouldrest.Withherownchildinthehospital,shewasstill

caringenoughtohelpthatmanout.Itwarmedmyhearttoseethecommunitycometogether.Itreminded

methattheworldwasn’tsuchabadplace.It’sgoodtohavethosereminderssometimes,thoughIwished

thatitdidn’ttakesuchaterriblethingtodoso.

AsIfinishedup,Igrabbedmyphoneandcheckedmymessages.Therewereseveralfrom

Alex.Heaskedhowmydaywasinthefirst.Rightafterthathementionedthewreck.He’dheardaboutit,

butbecauseofwherehewasassigned,hecouldn’ttakepartinit,buthewishedmeluck.Thelastone

askedifIwasokay.Hehadn’thadasingleresponsealldayandwasworried.Mybodyached.Myhead

throbbed.Icouldn’timaginegoinghomealoneandjustgoingtobed.Itextedhimback.

I’mokay,butinalotofpain.Canyoucomeover?

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Itdidn’ttakelongforhimtorespond.Itwasalmostimmediate.

Absolutely.Areyousureyou’reokay?CanIbring

anything?

Ithoughtaboutthatforamoment.Iwastemptedtotellhimtobringsomemassageoilandmake

goodonthatconversationwehadthenightbefore.Intheend,Idecidedagainstit.

Justyou.

~~~

WhenIgothome,Alexwasalreadythere.He’dlethimselfinsidewiththekeyI’dgivenhimand

hadalreadystarteddinner.IwalkedintothesmellofhomemadeAlfredosauce.

“Ihopeyoudon’tmind,”hesaid.“Itsoundedlikeyoucoulduseabreak.”

Myeyesbegantofillwithtears.Ihadnoideawhatcameoverme,butIimaginedthatithadalot

todowiththatlittlegirlintheER,allofthestressandworryoftheday,andthatIhadn’teatenanything.

Atthatmoment,Ihadneverbeensogratefulforanyone.

Withoutanothermomentofhesitation,ImademywayovertoAlexandwrappedmyarmsaround

him,lettingthetearsfall.Iheardthelightclangofapotashemoveditofftheburnerbeforewrappinghis

armsaroundmyframe,squeezingme.

“Thankyousomuch,”Isaidbetweensobs.“Iappreciatethismorethanyouknow.”

“Iwasn’tthere,butIknowithadtobebad.Theyweretalkingaboutitatthestationwhenthey

cameback.IwishI’dbeenthere.Evenjusttoseeyouforamoment.I’msosorry.Iknowitmusthave

beenhard.”

Ipulledawayandhewipedthetearsfrommyface.

“Therewasthisgirl,”Isaid,launchingintothestoryofthesweetchildthatstolemyheartthat

day.Istillcouldn’tthinkabouttheterrifiedlookonherfacewithoutgrippingmyfists.Itdevastatedme.

“Oh,myGod,”hesaid.“Howawful!Isshealright?Orwillshebealright?”

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“She’sokay.She'llbedownforawhile,butIhavenodoubtthatshewillhealquickly.God.I’m

goingtohavenightmaresabouther,Ijustknowit.Sometimesthisjobsucks.Don’tgetmewrong.I’mso

gladIwasabletohelpsaveher,butherlittleface…oh,Ijustcan’thandlethinkingaboutit.”

“Hermomgetstohughertonight,thoughbecauseofyou.Herfamilystillgetstotellherthey

loveherbecauseofeverythingyoudid.Iknowit’shard,butIcantellyoufrompersonalexperience

exactlywhatitfeelsliketobeonthereceivingendofthatgiftfromyou.”

Hewas,ofcourse,talkingabouthismother.AboutthedaythatElizabethandIhadsavedher.

EventhoughitwasmostlyElizabeth’sdoing,hestillcontributedalotofittome,too.Ithoughtthatwas

prettygreatofhim.

“Thankyou,”Isaid.“That’sincrediblysweet.”

“You’rewelcome.SometimesIfeellikeyouneedtobereminded.Now…Gogetthoseclothes

off.Takeahotshower.Bythetimeyou’redone,dinnershouldbeaswell.”

“Yes,sir.Youdon’thavetotellmetwice.”

IdidasIwastold,headingintothebathroomandgettingundressed.I'dchangedoutofmyscrubs

atworkandworeacleanpairhomeasIalwaysdid.Ididn’tlikewearingdirtyscrubshomeandbringing

inanypotentialnasties.Iwassurethegirlsinlaundrydidn’tmuchcareforthat,butitwasaphobiaof

mine.

Mymusclesrelaxedassoonasthewaterhit.SomuchsothatIworriedImightcollapse.Itwas

incrediblehowtensemybackandshoulderswere.Icouldn’tbelievejusthowI’dmadeitwithasweak

asIfeltrightthen.Thehumanbodywascapableofamazingthingswhendeterminationwasinvolved.

Iheardthebathroomdooropen,butIignoredit.AlexcouldhaveletaTVcrewinthereandI

wouldn’thavecared.Injustafewmomentsitclosedagain.Curious,Ipeekedouttoseethathadbrought

mesomepajamas,underwear,andsocks.Howsweetwashe?

WhenIfinished,Iturnedofftheoncehotwateranddriedoff.Idebatedblow-dryingmyhair,but

decidedagainstit.Iwantedfood.Iquicklychangedintothepajamasprovidedformeandmademyway

intothekitchen.

Oh…Thatsmell.Itwasbeyondwonderful.Magiceven.HomemadechickenAlfredo,garlic

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bread,andasidesaladwithfreshlygratedParmesan.Itlookedamazing.Mystomachwastryingtojump

intomythroat.Atleast,that’swhatIimagineditwastryingtodowithallthatnoiseitwasmaking.

“Alex,”Isaid.“Itlooksdelicious.Itsmellsunbelievable.”

“Waituntilyoutasteit,”hesaid.“Sitdown.I’llgetyouaplate.”

Ibegantoprotest,buthestoppedmerightthere.

“Idon’tthinkso,”hescolded.“Sit.Now.Youspentthewholedayhelpingotherpeople.

Someoneneedstotakecareofyounow.”

Icouldkisshim.Hewassosweet.

Hmm…Thatactuallysoundedlikeawonderfulidea.Withtheblood,dirt,sweat,andtearsofthe

daywashedoffme,andthestressmeltedawaywiththehotwater,suddenlyIwashungryformuchmore

thanjustyummyAlfredo.Ifoundmyselfstaringatthebeautifulmaninthekitchenpreparingaplateofthe

foodthehe’dmadeforme.Kind.Smart.Thoughtful.

Sexy.

So…so…sexy.

AlexhandedtheplatetomeandIsmiled,doingmybesttoholdbackmylecherousthoughts.I

hopedthathecouldn’tseethewantinmyeyes.Thatconversationfromthenightbeforewasreplayingin

mymind.OverandoverIwatchedhimmakehiscase.OverandoverIsawthatdirtylookinhiseyes

whenhe’dspokenwithpassion.IfIdidn’tgetmymindonsomethingelse,hewasgoingtogethiswish.

“What’sonTV,Iwonder.”Igrabbedtheremote,tryingtotakemymindoffanythingsexual.

“I’lllook,”Alexsaid,snatchingtheremoteawayfromme.“I’lllookandyoueat.”

“Yes,sir,”IsaidasIrolledmyeyes.

Alexnarrowedhiseyesatme,agrinplayingacrosshislips.“Thatwasveryrudeofyou.

Rollingyoureyes.Haveyounomanners?Benicenow,orI’llhavetoteachyousome.I’mtryingtohelp

yourelaxafterall.”

Igaspedalittle,myeyeswidening.Hadheseenthelookinmyeyeswhenhehandedmethe

plate?Washejustrespondingtomyowndesire?Orwashetotallycluelessandjustbeingnaughty

himself?

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Ididn’tlingertofindout.

Turningmyeyestowardmyplate,Igrabbedtheforkanddugin.

Oh,hell.

Oh,heavenwouldbemoreappropriate.TheGardenhadnothingonthat.My,my,my.Thesounds

comingfrommystomachwasbothembarrassingandtellingofhowgooditwas.Iwasn’tcertainifthe

foodwasactuallythatgood,orifitwasthefactthatIhadn’teateninsolong.Itdidn’tmatter.Iateitwith

greathaste.

Iheardalightlaugh.“Likeit?”

Ilookedup,anoodlehangingoutofmypursedlipsasIsuckeditintomymouthlikeavacuum.

“What?”Iasked.

“Doyoulikeit?Yousoundhilariousoverthere.Withthesoundsyou’remaking,Icouldn’ttellif

youwereeatingordoingsomethingelseoverthere.”

Iswallowed,embarrassed.

“I’msorry,”Isaid.“It’ssogood.Really.”

“I’mgladyouenjoyit.Whenyou’refinished,wewillmoveontothenextactivity.”

“I'msorry.What?Whatactivity?Wehaveactivities?”

Hesmiled.“Don’tworryaboutit.Justrelaxandeat.Thenightisaboutmakingsureyougoto

bedalreadyrestedandwakeupfeelinggreatbeforeworktomorrow.Okay?Justrelax.”

Itwasmyeyesturntonarrowthen.Whatexactlydidhehaveplanned?

OnceIfinishedmyfood,Alexcametogetmyplateandtakeittothekitchenalongwithhis.My

bellywasfull.Mybodysemi-relaxed.Iwasahappygirl.

“Comewithme,”hesaid,extendinghishand.

Ihesitatedforamomentbeforetakingitandfollowinghimtomybedroom.Mybelly

immediatelyskipped.ThatAlfredowasdoingsomedancingwiththeanxietythatIsuddenlyfelt.I’d

thoughtalotabouthisidea,butIhadn’tyetdecided.Iwantedhim,butIneededmoretimetothink.

“Relax,”hesaid,apparentlyhavingreadmymind.“Nothinglikethat.Nosex.”

“Igotnervous.I’msorry.”Istoodthere,lookinghimintheeyeswithwhatwascertainlyaguilty

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expression.

“It’sokay.Iunderstand.Istillwantyoutostrip,though.Thenliefacedownonthebed.”

Myeyeswidened.“What?”

Thetipsofhisfingersbrushedthehairbackoutofmyface.Heleanedforwardandkissedmy

forehead.

“Trustme.I’mnotgoingtodoanythingthatyoudon’twant.Ipromisedyounosex.That’swhatI

meant.I’lleventurnontheTV.Lietherewithyourheadtowardthefootofthebedsoyoucansee.Just

trustme.Stripdown.Underwearisfine,butI’dlikeforthosetogoaswell.”

Ooooh,my.Mychestwasheavingabitwithmyrapidbreathsandheartrate.Iwasscaredto

removemyclothes,especiallymyunderwear,butIwasjustasintrigued.Iwantedtoseewhatwould

happen.

Intheend,Ididaswasrequestedofme.Istrippeddowntomyunderwear.Then,asIturnedto

lookatmybed,curiositygotthebestofmeandIstrippedthoseoffaswell.

“Beautiful.”Itwastheonlywordthatheuttered,butitmademesmileasIclimbedontothebed

andgotcomfortable.

Aspromised,heturnedontheTV.Itwentalongwaytocalmmynerves.

“Iknowthiswillprobablybeuncomfortable,butIwantyoutospreadout,likeastarfish.”

I’dcomethatfar.Itookadeepbreathandspreadout.Therewasn’taninchofmethatwasn’t

bareforhimtosee.Itwasnerve-racking,butitalsoturnedmeon.Alot.Beingthatvulnerableinfrontof

amanlikehim.Ihadtobehonest;Ineversawthatcomingwithhim.Hewasvery…Alpha.

OnlyafewmomentspassedbeforeIfeltthebedshiftingunderhisweight.Hewastowardthe

headofthebed,outofmyeyesight.

“Noworries,”hesaid.“I’mstillfullyclothed.That’showI’llsay.Okay?”

Inodded.Ilikedthathewasgoingoutofhiswaytomakemecomfortablewith…whateverthat

washewasdoing.

Thebedshiftedagainandtheweightwasclosertomytorso.ThenIfelthimstraddleme.Ifelt

warmhandsfirstonmyshoulders.Theywereslickwithoil.Aloudmoaninvoluntarilyescapedwithhis

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firstsqueeze.ItwasthenthatIdiscoveredhisplan.Sweet,sweetmassage.Yes.

Theoilveryquicklyrevealeditselftobeoftheself-heatingvariety.Thekindthatwarmsasyou

rubitin.Thecombobetweenhisamazinghandsandthatmagicaloilwassomethingdreamsweremade

of.Itwasperfection.

“Doesthisfeelokay?heasked.

Myonlyresponsewasaloudmoanashishandsgrippedmyshouldersagain,histhumbspressing

directlyintothetensespotsjustbehindmyshoulder.

“I’lltakethattobeafirm,‘yes’.”

Ionlynodded,moaningmmhmm.

Alex’smovementswereslowandsteady.Hishandswerestrongandmeticulous.Therewasno

talkingashemassagedhiswaydownmyback,payingcloseattentiontotheareasthatfeltthetensest.He

workedhiswayaroundmyback,downmysides,andthendowneacharm.Norushing.Noplacesmissed.

Justashefinishedthetopofmyhips,heleanedoverme,hisbodyhoveringabovemine,but

keepingenoughdistancethatwedidn’ttouch.Hislipsfoundthesensitivejuncturewheremyneckand

shouldermeetasheplacedakissthere.Itwasmorethanthesweetkissesthatheusuallyplacesonmy

forehead.Thisonelingered,theheatofhismouthmeetingmyskin.Mybodyimmediatelyshiveredin

response.Withmylegspartedinthewaythattheywere,nothingcoveringthemostintimateplaceonmy

body,thatkissfeltevenmorepotent.

“I’mmovingdowntoyourfeet,beautiful.Isthatokay?Doyouwantmore?Onyourback,I

mean.”

Yes.Yes,Iwantmore.Somuchmore.

“I’mjustfine,thankyou.Itfeels…Ireallyhavenowords.”AndIdidn’t.Iwassorelaxed.The

exhaustionwastakingadeephold,butIstillfoundthedesireforhim.

Alexcontinuedtowork,hisstronghandsneverfeelingweakashegrippedandpressedagainst

everysorespotonmysensitivefeet.

Igaspedasheleanedforwardandkissedthebackofmythigh,mereinchesbelowthecurvature

ofmybackside.Thatsmall,simpleactionmademybodytenseandpaingrowdeepwithinme.

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Hesatbetweenmylegsonhisknees,hishandsmovingincircularmotionsfrommyinnerthighs

totheoutside.Ashemadehiswayupmythighs,histhumbsrepeatedlygrazedtheplaceIhungeredfor

himmost.Heknewwhathewasdoing.Heknewitwasdrivingmeinsane,butIcouldn’tsayanything.He

saidnosexandIstillhadn’tmadeupmymind,thoughIwasabouttobreak.

HisthumbsbrushedmeagainandImoanedasmyhipsinvoluntarilylifted.Ifeltembarrassed,

butalsoverybraveatthatmoment.

HMM,hemoaned.

Hishandsgrippedmybackside,massagingandmovingslow.Mybreathswerecomingheavier,

myheartpoundinginmychest.Ifeltmyselfgrindingagainstnothingasthepaingrew.TherewasnothingI

wantedmoreinthatmomentthanforhimtotouchme.

Please,Ithoughttomyself.Please.

Alex’sfingersslippedbetweenmylegs,earninganothergaspfromme.Iwascaughtbetween

needandadisbeliefthatitwashappeningatall.Afterallthetimewe'dspenttogether,Icouldn’tfathom

usmovingontothisstage.Wewerebestfriends.Iwasveryseriousaboutmynodatingrule.Sure,ithad

occurredtometohaveabeneficialfriend,butIneverinathousandyearsthoughtitwouldbeAlex.Right

then…Iwasincrediblygratefulthatitwas.

Icriedoutashemovedhisfingersinsideofme,hisbodyonceagainleaningovermeandhis

lipspressingagainstmyear.Hekissedthesensitivespotbeforepullingthelobeintohismouthand

suckinggently.

“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”hewhispered.

“Yes!”Isaid,myvoicerushedasIgaspedforair.

Hesaidnothingelse,onlygavealowmoaninresponsetomyexcitement.Overandoverhe

kissedmyface,neckandshouldersashemoved.WhenIfoundrelease,veryshortlyafter,hebegan

kissingmybackashegentlyrubbedmyhipstocalmme.

“Readyforbed?”heasked.

Inodded,incapableofmuchelse.

“Goodgirl.Goaheadandflipoveronyourbackandcomeuptotheheadofthebed.Closeyour

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eyesandI’llrubyoudownuntilyoufallasleep.”

“Whataboutyou?”Iasked,barelyabletokeepmyeyesopenatthatpoint.

“Itoldyou…Thiswasallaboutyou.Now,beagoodgirlanddoasIasked.Liebackandrelax.

Youspentaveryharddaytakingcareofeveryoneelse.It’stimetoletsomeoneelsetakecareofyou,

now.”

IdidasIwasasked,turningaroundandlyingdownattheheadofthebed.MyeyesclosedasI

felthimrunhishandacrossmystomach.Icouldn’trememberatimewhenIfeltsocalmandrelaxed.Alex

wasamazing.I’dneverthoughtofhiminthatway,letaloneimaginedwhathewouldbelike.Hewasboth

attentiveanddominant.ItwasthesexiestthingI’deverexperienced.

Ineededtotalktomyotherbestfriend.IneededElizabeth.IneededtofindoutwhatIshoulddo.

Ididn’twanttohurthimifthingswentbadly,butmyGod…thesexwouldbeamazing.Withoutadoubt,I

knewmymindwasmadeup.IknewwhatIwanted,butIstillneededtheadvicefromsomeoneonthe

outside.IneededtoknowifIshouldmoveforward.Ifweshouldbemorethanjustfriends.

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ChapterFive

Thenextmorning,Iwokeupalone.NoAlex.Nomassageoilleftout.Nodirtydishes.No

mess.ItwaslikeI’ddreamedtheentirething.HadI?Hmm…Irolledovertocheckmyphoneandfounda

blinkingbluelight.TherewasamessagefromAlex

.

Haveawonderfuldaytomorrow!Thankyoufor

relaxingandallowingmetogiveyouanightyou

deserved.Icleanedupandletmyselfout.Ifiguredyou’d

freakoutifIwasstilltherethismorning.Rule#1in

friendswithbenefits:nosleepingover.Textmeifyou

getbored.Bye!

Hmm…ThatwasmysecondhmmofthedayandI’donlybeenawakeforapproximatelyfive

minutes.Ireadthetextatotalofthreetimesbeforestaringoff,debatingonhowtorespond.Hewasright.

Thatwascertainlythebiggestrule,andIwouldhavefoundittoberatherintrusiveforhimtosleepover.

NotbecauseIdidn’tappreciatethedreamynightthatweshared,andIusedreamyintheliteralsense,

giventhatIwonderedifithadbeenanexhaustionfueledfantasy.No,itwasbecausethatwasabittoo

muchclosenessformyliking.

ItwasalittlestrangeandpathetictomethatIwassoworriedaboutamanstayingover.More

thanthat,IfoundmyemotionsevenmoreirrationalwhenItookintoaccountthatthemaninquestionknew

mewellenoughtoknowthetruthofmyapprehension.Isatup,holdingmyphoneinbothhands.Takinga

deepbreath,Iwentaheadtorespond.

Thanksforlastnight.Ireallyappreciateit.I’dalmost

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forgottenhowmuchIactuallyenjoyedphysicalattention.

Seemslikeonlymydrunk-selfremembers.I’msorrythat

I’msomessedup.Don’tsaythatI’mnot.Haha.Iknow

thatIam,butitmeansalottomethatyou’repatientand

understandingwithit.Youdideverythingright,including

givingmethespacethatIneed.Ihavetogetreadyfor

work,soI’lltalktoyoulater.

Isentit.Alexwassuchagreatguy,butIwasn’texactlysurehowIfeltaboutit.Therewasjust

toomuchthere.IfAlexdidn’thavefeelingsforme,thenIwouldn’tcare.But,Ididn’twanttolosemy

friendifsomethingbadhappened.Ineededadvice.Icouldn’tgoatsomethinglikethatalone.

“Hey!”Elizabethsaidassheansweredthephone.“Howareyou?”

Ihadnoideahowtoanswerthat.“I’mgood,”Isaid.Icouldhearthehesitationinmyownvoice.

Iknewthatshewould,soImovedonquicklybeforeIlostmynerve.“IhavesomethingthatIneedtotalk

toyouabout.”

“Oh?Iseverythingokay?”sheasked.

“Uh…Debatable.Well,yes.Yes,everythingisokay.I’mjustveryconfused.Idon’tknowhow

tohandlesomethingthat’shappened.YouknowhowIamwithmenandallthat.”

“Yeah.Youdon’t.That’show.”Shelaughedathercomment.

Shewasn’twrong,exactly.

“It’sAlex,”Iblurtedout.

IwishthatIcoulddescribeandputintowordsthesound,theshrieking,thatcamefromtheother

endofthephone,butit’simpossible.

“Tellmeeverything.Tellittome.Tellittome,now!”shesaid.Icouldheartheincessantsmile

inhervoice.Shewasfartooexcitedformyliking.“Whathappened?Comeon!”

Irolledmyeyes.ItwasatthatmomentthatIunderstoodwhyshealwaysrolledhereyesatme.

Damnit.She’dalwaysbeenright.Iwassuperfrickin’annoying.ShewastakingeverythingI’dgivenher

aboutJaxandthrowingitrightbackatme.Idon’tthinkshediditonpurpose,butIcouldhonestlysaythat

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herabsentmindedpunishmentrightthenwasmorethanenoughtomakemewanttoneveractlikethat

again.Dulynoted.

Onceshewasdoneshriekingandactinglikeme,Itoldherabouthowwe’dhungoutandthatI’d

gottendrunk.Itoldherallabouthowthetopicoffriendswithbenefitscameabout,andthathecameover

lastnightto…pamperme.Onhisownaccord,ofcourse.WhenI’daskedhimtocomeover,Ididn’tmean

forittoturnsexual.Ididn’tnotmeanforittoeither…MaybeIdidmeanforitto.Ididn’tknow.

“Thisisthebestthingever!”Elizabethshrieked.“Ican’tbelievethis!”

“Youcan’ttellJax,”Ipleaded.“Iknowthatyouthinkthisisgreat,buttheseboysaredifferent.

Theyaren’tnormalmen.Alex,though…There’ssomethingabitdarkerinhimthanJax,Ithink.Still,I’m

worriedabouthurtinghim.YouknowI’mincapableofanythingrelationship.”

“Relationshipy?”sheasked.“Look,youneedtostopthismess.Justbehonestwithhim.As

longasyouarehonest,makesuretokeepanopenlineofcommunicationbetweenthetwoofyou,and

don’tpurposelydoanythingshady,whichisnotinyournature,thenyou’llbejustfine.Honey,you

worryfartoomuch.I’vebeentellingyouthisforalongtime.Ijustdidn’tunderstandituntil

everythinghappenedwithKevin.Oh,crap.”

“What?”Iasked.“What’swrong?”

Therewasshufflingontheothersideofthecallbeforeamasculinevoicespoke.

“Hey,Andi,”Jaxsaid.

Oh,crap.IthenunderstoodwhyLizhadsaidsomething.

Ilaughednervously.“H-hey,Jax.How’sitgoing?”

“Good,actually,”hestarted.“Don’tbemadatElizabeth.Iwasworkingonsomethinginthe

otherroom,andIoverheardtheconversation.”

“Isee,”Isaid.“Well,let’shaveit,then.”

“Thefactthatyou’reworriedaboutAlextellsmethatyoudocareabouthim.Thatmeansthat

everythingwillbejustfine.Hehasfeelingsforyou.Hehasforawhilenow.He’salsoamanthat

hasn’tbeeninarelationshipinalongtime,asyouareabeautifulyoungwomanthathasn’tbeenina

relationshipinalongtime.Neitheroneofyouwantanythingserious–”

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“That’salie,Jax.IknowthatifItoldthatmanthatIwantedarealrelationshipwithhim,he

wouldjump.NotbecauseI’mthemostamazingwomanintheworld,butbecausehe’shintedaroundatit

forsolong,”Isaid.

Helaughed.Hewasalwayssohappy.Ihadnoideahowhemaintainedthatlevelofexcitement

aboutlife.

“Youdidn’tletmefinish,mydear.Iwasactuallygettingtothatpoint.Neitheroneofyouwant

anythingserious.Ifhecan’thaveyouinatraditionalrelationship,hewantsnothingwithanyone.He

alsohastrustissues,butthat’soneofthebigreasonswhyhetrustsyou,themutualrespect.That

doesn’tmeanthatheisn’tcapableofhavingasexualrelationshipwithsomeone.I’mnottryingtobea

wingmanformybrotherjusttogethimlaid.Ithinkyouknowme,andhim,wellenoughtoknowthat

wearen’tlikethat.It’spainfullyobvious,however,thatyouwanttodothis.Ifyoudidn’t,thenyou

wouldn’thavecalledElizabethandaskedforadvice.Asolidnoisasolidno.Youwantthis.Heclearly

does,too.You’rebothconsentingadults.LikeElizabethsaid,stayhonestandeverythingwillbeokay.

Hell,tellhimthatit’strial-basedonly.Giveitatimeframe.Ifit’sgoingbadlythencutitoff.Hewill

understand.Alexisn’tthedelicatefloweryou’dliketothink.Amancanbesensitiveinnatureand

sensitivetoawomanandherneedswithoutbeingatotalvagina,foralackofbetterwords.”

Everythingthathesaidmadeperfectsense.Itwashisbrother.Ofcourse,he’dknowAlexbetter

thananyoneelse.Theyweretwins.Isighed.

“I’lllaydownsomegroundrules.Thatway,I’llknowweareonthesamepage,”Isaid.

WefinishedchattingabitaboutthesituationbeforeIhappilychangedsubjectsovertobaby

Hunter.HewasthecutestlittlethingI’deverseen.Icouldn’twaittoseehimagain.Ihadn’tseenhim

sincehewasamonthold.Itwasn’tlongafterthattheymovedupnorthtobewithDesiree,Aiden,and

theirgrowingbabybundle.AllthebabytalkandhearingbabyHuntercooingoverthecallmademy

biologicalclockticklouderandlouder.OneofmyovariesnearlyexplodedeverytimeIheardhimlaugh.

Sheaskedaboutthedresses,andItoldhertheywerecomingalongprettygoodsofar.Ineeded

toworkfaster,butIstillhadagoodstart.Theywouldabsolutelybedoneontime,butIwantedtoget

themdonewayearly.Justincase.Therewasalotmorebeadandcrystalworkthananticipatedoncewe

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gotplanning.

“Okay,”Isaidoutloudtonoonebutmyself,preppingtostandandgetreadyforwork.

AsImoved,Irealizedthatmybodyachedalot,butitwasn’tnearlyasbadasIthoughtitwould

be.Alexhaddoneawonderfuljob.Aftergivingmybodyagoodstretch,Iheadedintotheshower,

completelyhavingforgottentograbatowel.Oh,well.Benefitsoflivingalone.

OnceI’dfinished,Iheadedouttothelocalbakeryandgrabbedaboxofvariouskindsofdonuts

forthegirlsinmyunit.IfIknewmypatientwasnon-diabeticandonnormalfoods,I’dsometimesslip

themtotheonesthatwereextrasweettomeormygirls.Noreasontobeevenmoremiserable.

Thegirlswereexcitedtoseeme,nodoubthavingseentheboxinhandassoonasIsteppedoff

theelevator.Suckups.That’sokay.I’dpledgemyundyingloveforanyonebringingdonutstome,too.

“HaveItoldyouthatyou’remyfavorite?”Jessicaasked.

Shewasonmyfloorthatday.ThirdfloorandICUweretogether.Iwouldbefloatingbetween

thetwo.Jessicawasthechargenurseonthree.I’dbecheckingonher,butI’dspendmostofmytimein

ICU,asusual.Iwasgladthatshewasthere.Itgavemetheopportunitytothankherforallherhelptheday

before.Iwasfeelingquiterefreshedafterthenightbefore.Itonlyfurtherpushedmetothinkthathaving

funwithAlexwasawonderfulidea.

“Nope,yousurehaven’t,butyou’recertainlyoneofmine.Thankyousomuchforeverythingyou

didyesterday.Icouldn’thavedoneitwithoutyou,”Isaid.

Jessicasmiled,thegestureclearlymeaningsomethingtoher.“Noproblem.Itwaskindof

awesomewatchingyouwork.IknowyouhadsometroublebecauseofLittleAndi,butyoudidgreat.Ifit

weren’tforyou,shewouldn’thavemadeit.Infact,IdecidedthatI’mgoingtogobacktoschool.”

“Really?”Iasked,myeyeswide.“Jessica!That’samazing!”

Herexcitementgrewtenfoldassoonasshesawmine.Isatthedonutsdownonthedeskand

gaveherahug.

“Thatiswonderful!I’msoproudofyou.You’lldogreat,”Isaid.

SoonaftercheckinginforreportwiththenursethatIwasreplacing,Imademyroundsto

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meetmypatients.MostofthemwerechildrenthatI’dmetthedaybefore.Onlythreewereadults,

includingtheunfortunatesoulthathadcausedtheaccident.Iwashappytoseeevenmoregoodiesinhis

room.Itmademehappythathewasbeingtakencareof.

Thatday,IwasveryhappytobeinICU.IgottositwithLittleAndi.HerfathercalledmeOld

AndiwhenIwalkedintheroom,andIknewoneoftheothernurseshadrattedmeout.Ilaughed.Ididn’t

mind.Itoldthemalltocallmethatsinceshepickeditoutforme.Ididn’tmindatall!

Severaltimesthroughouttheday,whenIhadsomedowntime,ItextedAlex.Idecidedtogeta

feelforwherehisheadwas.Itseemedlikehestillfeltthesame.Itwasveryimpressivehowcasualhe

wasbeing.Veryimpressive,indeed.Atlunch,hecalledme.

“What’sup,buttercup?”heasked.

Ilaughed.“You’readork.Ijustgotsatdowninmycar.I’vebeensnackingatthestation,soI’m

notreallyhungry.”

“Soundsgood.Let’syouhearmysultryvoice,”hesaid.

Irolledmyeyes,asmileonmylips.“Again…dork.Anyway–Ithinkweshouldtalkaboutlast

night.”

“Oh,no,”hesaid.“You’renotgoingandgettingclingyalready,areyou?Man…Whata

shame.”

“Idon’tthinkyou’recapableoftakinganythingseriously,”Isaid.“Iwasactuallygoingtosay

thatIthinkweshoulddoit.”

Hestartedtosaysomethingsmartagain,butstopped,likemywordsactuallyhithim.

“Really?”heasked.“Imean,don’tgetmewrong.I’mexcitedashell.Ijustdidn’tthinkyou’d

givein.Lastnightwasmejustwantingtohelpyourelax.Iknowhowharditwaswiththatlittlegirl.”

Ishrugged,eventhoughhecouldn’tseeit.“Ididn’tthinkyou’dbeabletodoit.Keepadistance.

I’mactuallyveryimpressed.You’venotbeenweirdaboutitatall.I’dforgottenjusthowmuchofastress

relievergoodsexcouldbe,andwedidn’tevenhavesex.”

“IfIdidthatwithmyhands,imaginewhatIcandowitheverythingelse,”hesaid.Icouldhear

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thesmileinhisvoice.

“Youaresofullofyourself,”Isaid,pokingathim.“Ihaveafewrules.”

“Oh,byallmeans.Tellme.”

“Nosleepingover.Nosupermushystufflikesendingroses,nolovenotes–thoughsexyor

naughtythingsarefine.Iwouldsaynofamilygatherings,butyourmotherandIaredamnnearascloseas

Elizabethandme.She’dmurdermeifIquitshowingup.Plus,mybestfriendisgettingmarriedtoyour

brother.So,thatoneisokay.Idon’tplantosleepwithanyoneelse.Atall.Iseenopoint.Plus,I’vebeen

thislongwithoutaltogether,Idon’tseeapurposeinmefinallygettingsomefromonehotguyandgoingto

findmore.Thatbeingsaid,I’denjoythesamecourtesy.NotbecauseIwanttotieyoudown.Idon’t.We

aren’ttogetherinanywayshapeorform.However,IhavebeenonthereceivingendofapotentialSTD

whenmyex-husbandwassleepingaroundwithsomeslutbucket.Thisrequestisonethatispersonaljust

becauseI’dliketoknowwearebothclean.So,whileIcan’tofficiallyaskyounottosleepwithanyone

else,Icanaskthatyoubehonestandtellme.Ijustwanttostayinformedincasesomethinghappens.

Neitheroneofusaresurprised.Um...Notalkingaboutittootherpeople.JaxandElizabethknow,but

that’sall.”

“Youhavenothingtoworryaboutwithmesleepingwithanyoneelse.I’minthesameboat.I

haven’tbeenwithanyoneinawhile,thereisnopointindoublingupwhenIhaveexactlywhatIwant.

Literally.YouknowhowIfeelaboutyou.I’mnotgoingtothrowanythingaway,nomatterhowsmall,just

togetsomethingfarinferior.Also…Mybrotherknows?”heasked.

“Thankyou.Ireallyappreciatethat.Iknowthatsoundsselfish.Myrefusinganytypeof

relationshiponlytosay…‘Oh,bytheway,Ihavesomerulesforya.’Seemscrappy.AsforJax,thatwas

myfault,”Isaid.“IkindatoldElizabeth,andheoverheardustalking.”

“Wow.IwasagoodboyandevenIdidn’ttellhimandlookatyou!”Hetskedmeafewtimes,

pickingonme.

Hewasrelentless.

Wecontinuedtalkingduringmylunch.Itwasnice.Notallofitrevolvedaroundrules.Iwasn’t

thatboring.Someofitwasactuallyfun.Idecidedtobeabitboldandaskedwhatkindsofthingshe

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enjoyedtobepamperedwithinthewayhe’dpamperedme.Itwaskindofafunconversation.Very

differentforme.Ithadbeenawhile,notalongtime,butawhilesinceI’dtalkedtoanyoneaboutanything

likethat.Icouldn’thelpbutlookforwardtowhatwasahead.Or,shouldIsay,whatwasaheadforme

thatnight.

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ChapterSix

Alex

Beingarookiehaditsprosandcons.Ididn’tminditmostdays,butothersitwasunbearably

hard.ThecrapworkthatIgotstuckwithquiteoftenwasnopicnic,butthatwasjustpartofit.Thenewbs

gottreatedlikeshitmostdays.

Itwouldpass.

Therewouldbesomeonenew.

Theywouldbethenewpeon.

Thecyclewasnever-ending,andI’ddecidedearlyonthatIwouldmorethanlikelynotbeoneto

joininonallthe“fun”whenthathappened.I’dneverbeenthetypetothinkhazingwasallthatfun.Iwas

the“treatothershowyou’dprefertobetreated”type.Idon’tliketakingbull,I’msureashellnotgoingto

giveit.

ThingswithAndihadbeenwonderful.Ithadonlyjuststarted,butIwasalreadyhavingalotof

fun.Beautiful,intelligent,witty,incrediblysexy…Shewaseverything.IfellforthatgirlthemomentI

sawher.Shewasspunky.She’dbeenoverzealousinhelpingElizabeth.Lizhadbeengoingthroughahard

timeandAndiwantedtohelp.Sheapproachedusandtwoofourlecherousfriendswithabsolutelyno

hesitationatall.

JaxandIchasedthoseassholesawayandwegotthepleasureofspendingtimewiththem.I

lovedherspirit.Shewasalittledangerous,orseemedthatway,givenherrecklessabandonforsafety

whenapproachingastrangeman,letalonefour.AfterIgottoknowher,Irealizedshewasjustanormal,

sweetgirl,butwithafeistystreak.Ilovedit.SheandIhadalotincommoninthatarea.

Theplanwasformetogotoherhouseagain.ThenightbeforewaseverythingI’dhoped.I’ma

giver.Iliketomakesuremygirliswelltakencareof,evenifsheisn’ttechnicallymygirl.Shewasstill

anangelandonethatspentthedayheartbrokenandworried.

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Nursesareamazingpeople.Sure,therearegoodandbadineverybunch,butthatisnota

professiontobetakenlightly.Andiisadamngoodperson,andIwasremindedofthateverytimeshetold

methingsaboutherday.Thatlittlegirlcompletelystoleherheart.Itbrokeminetoseehersoanxious

overit.

Joey,mytrainer/partnercalledmeover,pullingmefrommythoughtsofAndi.Iwantedtoplan

thenight,butitseemedthatworkcalled.Itwasforthebest.I’dprobablyoverplanitandoverstepmy

boundaries.Thewholethingwasgoingtotakesomegettingusedto.Payattention,butnottoomuch.Be

sweet,butdon’toverdoit.Makeherfeelspecial,butdon’tgettooclose.ItwastruethatIwasfully

capableofbeinginthefriendswithbenefitstypeofsituation,butI’dneverdonethatwithsomeoneIhad

anyrealfeelingsfor.IfIthoughtshe’dsayyes,I’daskhertomarryme.Itwouldbeatestofpatienceand

mentalfortitude,forsure.

“What’sup,Joey?”Iasked.

Iimaginedthathewouldhavesomemundane,annoyingtaskforme.Cleaningthetoilets.Coffee

run.Harassingsomeoneelseinthestationforsomethingthatdoesn’texist.Youknow…Anythingthat

doesn’trelatetopolicework.

“Wehavetomakearun,”Joeyreplied.

IdoubtIhidtheshockonmyface.Ididn’tgetthechancetogooutoften,evenwithbeing

assignedatrainerandpartner.Igrabbedmykeysandstraightenedmyuniform,thoughIknewitwas

alreadyperfect.

“What’sitfor?”IaskedasIfollowedhimout.

“Wehaveadomesticsituationat1215Berkshire,”heanswered,pushingtheexteriordooropen.

“Thatsoundsfamiliar.”Icouldn’tplaceit,butI’dheardthataddressbefore.

Joeydidn’treplytomycomment.Ididn’treallyexpecthimto.Heclimbedintothedriver’sseat

asIshutthedooronthepassenger’sside.Trafficwasn’tthattight,whichmadeitmucheasierforusto

weaveinandoutofthevehiclespullingovertotheside.Sillyasitwas,Istillhadn’tgottenoverthecool

factorofbeingabletohitthelightsonthetopofthecarandgo.

Ifeltmyphonevibrateinmypocket,andIhadafeelingitwasAndi.Theurgetolookwasinthe

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backofmymind,butImanagedtorefrain.Joeyturnedoffthelightsandsirenbeforehittingtherightturn

signal.WepulledontoBerkshireandtheaddresspoppedintomyheadagain.Ithitmelikeabrick.That

wastheaddressofoneofmyex-girlfriends.Sara.

Sarahadalwaysbeenagoodgirl,butgotmessedupwithsomebadfriends.Thosebadfriends

gotherintobadthings.Drugs,drinking,evenstealing.Iwantedtohelpher,butshewouldn’tletme.I’d

heardshecleanedup,butafterhercheatingonmetogetdrugsandrunningofffordaysorevenweeksata

time,Icouldn’tfathombringingthepossibilityofthebadthingsbackintomylife.

WepulledintotheapartmentparkinglotandJoeyun-holsteredhisgun,inspectingit.Hedidthat

everytimehegotoutofthecaronacall.Hisexpressionwashisstandard“game”face,butsomething

seemedoff.

“Whatdidtheysaywhenthecallcamein?”Iasked.“Youneversaid.”

Healmostnevertoldmeanythinguntillastminute.

“The911operatorsaidthatawomanwastrappedinherapartmentbyanabusiveboyfriend.She

wasabletomakethecall,butthatwasit.Hefoundherwiththephone.Wearewaitingonbackup,”Joey

replied.

Stilldidn’thaveaname.Itwaspossiblethatitwasn’there.Afterall,therewerealotof

apartments.Sixteenperbuildingwithfivebuildings.Itwashardtosayjusthowmanywerefilled.Itried

tocalmmyself,butthebadfeelingwasgrowing.

We’donlybeenthereforacoupleofminuteswhenthreeothercarspulledinbehindus.Joey

pulledonhisdoorhandle,andIfollowedhislead.ShawnJackson,oneoftheothertenuredofficers,met

usatthebackofthecar.AsI’dfigured,Iwasplacedlastinlinewhentheplanwasmadetoproceed

towardthebuilding.Thatkindofthingdidn’tbothermebecauseitwasforsafety,thoughIknewthatI

wouldlikemyjobsomuchmorewhenIgottoactuallybepartofthefun.Thelandlordwastherewitha

key,inthelikelyeventthattheabusiveboyfriendwouldn’topenthedoor.

Shawnwantedtogivethemanachancetorespondtohim.Manytimes,theabusivemanwould

simplyopenthedoor,astheywereafraidtomakeitworseonthemselves.Othertimes,therewasa

hostagetypesituationwherehewouldrefusetolethergo.Ihopedthatwouldnotbethecasetoday.

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Theapartmentbuildingatwo-storyandwaseightapartmentslongforatotalofsixteen

apartments.Thestairwellsseparatingthemwerewideopenanddescendedonthenorthandsouthsides.

Severalofficerstookthestairwellonthesouth,andJoeyandIwereatthenorthsidewithafewothers.

Shawnmadehiswayup,knockingonthedoor.

“Police!IamOfficerShawnBrinkley.”

Iheardavoicefromtheotherside,butIwastoofarawaytomakeanythingout.Withonefooton

thebottomstep,IfollowedJoey’sleadandremovedmygunfromitsholster.Ihelditsteady,safetyon,but

aimedtowardthegroundinfrontofmeasIwatchedthedoorintently.

“What’syourname?”Shawnaskedthevoiceontheotherside.

TherewasapauseasIheardthevoiceagain,butcouldn’tmakeitout.

“Hi,Keith.LikeIsaidbefore,mynameisOfficerShawnBrinkley.Iwassentherebecauseofa

911callwereceivedfromawomanatthisaddress.Weneedtocomeinsideandlookaroundtomakesure

thateveryoneinsideisokay.”

“No!”saidthevoiceontheotherside.Iheardthatloudandclear.

“Ifyoudonotallowusin,wewillcomeinbyforce.Wehavereasontobelievesomeone’slife

isindangerinside.Thatgivesustherighttobreakdownthedoor.Ifthatistheroadwehavetotake,Ican

assureyouthatitwillnotendwellforyou.Youwillbearrestedandextrachargeswillbefiledagainst

you.Interferingwithaninvestigation.Battery,ifthereisinfactaninjuredwomaninside.Resistingarrest.

Kidnapping…”

“KIDNAPPING!”Thevoicefromtheothersidehadshoutedtheword,apparentlyshockedthat

hecouldbechargedforsuchathing.Idoubtedacoupleofthosewouldstick,butShawnwasmostly

tryingtoscarehimintoopeningthedoorpeacefullyandwithoutissue.Itseemedlikeitmightwork.

Thedoorcrackedopen,slowly,thenabitmore.

“You’vemadetherightdecision,”Shawnsaid.“Keith,I’dlikeforyoutostepoutsidewithone

ofmyofficers,please.Youwillbearrested,butifyougopeacefully,thenwewilltakeyoupeacefully.”

Themanstoodthereforamomentbeforespeaking.“I’llgo,butarresther,too.She’sabouta

psychobitch.She’salyin’ass,cheatin’ass…”

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“Sir,whathappensinyourpersonallifeisyourbusiness.Unlessshetriedtocauseyouphysical

harm,Icannotfilechargesonher.Therearenolawsagainstcheatingonyourboyfriend.Judgingbyhow

thehouselooksfromwhatI’mabletosee,howshelooks,andhowyoulook,I’dsaythatyouaren’tinany

positiontobemakingdemands.OnceIgetinside,I’llletyouknowhowitgoes.Now,thisisyourlast

chance.Stepoutside,orwewillcomein,”Shawnsaid,voicemuchfirmer.

Keithshookhisheadangrilyashesteppedoutside.Hemumbledunderhisbreathasheputhis

backtoShawn,hishandsbehindhimashisheadstillshookwitheveryangrywordspoken.Oneofthe

otherguys,Jake,ranupandcuffedhim.JustasShawnhadpromised,itwasarathergentleprocess.Jake

wasverysoftspoken,butfirmasheinstructedKeithonhowtomoveandwhichdirectiontomovein.

TheymadetheirwaydownthestairsasShawnandanotherofficermadetheirwayinside.Joeybeganto

climbthestairsandIfollowed.

Witheverystep,Iworriedmoreandmoreaboutthewomaninside.Itwasobviousthatshe

wasn’tneardeathorShawnwouldhaveyankedKeithoutoftheapartmentandcuffedhim,violentlyif

necessary,inordertogetinsideandhelpher.Still,he’dmentionedthatshewasinpoorcondition.Itruly

hopedthatitwasn’tSara.

“Ma’am,”–IsteppeduptothethresholdoftheapartmentasIheardShawn’svoice–“Whatis

yourname?Wehaveanambulancewaitingforyoudownstairs.Canyouwalk?”

“Alex?”Thevoicewasunmistakable,thoughIcouldn’tsaythesameforherface.Itwas

swollen,bruised,andcoveredinblood.ItcouldhavebeenmyownmotherandIwouldn’thave

recognizedher.“Isthatyou,Alex?”

Myheartsank.Itbrokemyheartthinkingaboutthisstuffanyway,butseeingitfirsthandon

someoneyouknowandonceloved,it’shorrific.Ifeltmiserable.

“Youknowthiswoman,Alex?”Shawnasked.

Inodded.“Hello,Sara.Canyoustand?I’lltakeyoudowntotheparamedics.”

“IthinkIcan,”shesaid.

Sherolledoverontoallfoursfromhersittingpositiononthefloor.Therewerethreeothermen

closetoherandnoonemoved,soIdid.Icutbetweenthemandmademywayovertohelpherstand.She

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didn’tseemtobeverystable,thoughIdoubtedthatmostpeoplewouldbeaftertakingtheabuseshehad.

“I’msorry,”shesaid.“Icanstand,butI’msodizzy.”

“Youmighthaveaconcussion,”Itoldher.“Justtrytostayawake.Let’sgetyoutothe

paramedicsandtheyshouldbeabletofigureallthisout.”

Wewalkeddown,everystepslowandfocused.Shewasveryunsteady.Herentirebodywas

shivering.Oneoftheparamedicshelpedmegetherinthebackandsecureher.

“Isthiswhatlifehasbeenlikeforyou?”Iasked.

Tearswelledinhereyesandshenodded,forcingdropsofmoisturetorolldownherfaceand

leavestreaksinthedriedblood.

“Itwasn’talwayslikethat,”shestarted.“Hewasgreatwhenwefirstgottogether.Hejustgot

reallybadlateron.Iswear…Youwerethebestthingthateverhappenedtome.Thisiskarmafor

everythingI’vedonewrong.I’msosorry.”

Isqueezedherhand.“Shh.Don’tworryaboutthatnow.Thisisn’tkarma.Thisissomeonebeing

aterriblepersonandhurtingthepersontheyclaimthattheylove.”

“Isn’tthatwhatIdidtoyou?HurtthepersonthatIsaidthatIloved?”

Isighed.“Yes,butthat’sbeenalongtime.Don’tthinkaboutthat,now.It’sinthepast.Justworry

aboutgettingthatheadofyourslookedat,okay?”

Shenodded,moretearsrunningdownherface.“Thankyou.Thankyoufornothatingme.Iwas

sosurprisedtoseeyou.I’msohappyyou’redoingwell.IfeelembarrassedthatthisishowIranintoyou.

Ihavenothing.Idon’tevenhaveacar,oraplacetogo.”

Myeyesnarrowedasmyover-sizedheartgotintheway.“Youdon’thaveanywheretogo?At

all?”

Shegavealightshakeofherheadastheparamedicbegancleaninguptheheadwounds.“Not

muchhaschanged.I’vebeencleanforalongtime,butmyfamilystilldoesn’ttrustme.Istillhavenoone

toturnto.”

Therewasawarbetweenmyheadandmyheart.Ihadnoromanticfeelingsforthegirloneway

oranother,butIdidhavesympathy.MyheartwasbeggingmetodothesamethingforherthatI’ddofor

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anyonethatIknew.Giveheraplacetostay.Myhead,however,toldmetorunscreamingawayfromher.

ThatIowedhernothing,andthatIhadnobusinessbeingaroundher.Besides,howwouldAndifeelabout

mehavinganex-girlfriendlivingwithme?Probablynotthatgreat.

Still…Icouldn’tleavesomeoneoutinthecold.Especiallywhentheyweresovulnerable.Keith

wouldundoubtedlygetoutofjail.Thenwhat?Themostlikelythingtohappeneverytimeanabusergets

releasedafterbeingarrestedfordomesticviolenceiswhat?That’sright…Togobackanddoitagain.To

teachthemalessonforcallingthecopsinthefirstplace.It’snevergood.

“Ifyouhavenowhereelsetostay,thenyoucanstayatmyplace.Ihaveanextraroom.One

month.That’sthelimit.”IhadafeelingI’dregretthatdecision,butIwouldfigurethatoutlater.Atthe

moment,Iknewthatshemorethanlikelyhadaconcussion,butwouldbereleasedtogohome.Evenwith

nohometogoto.

Hereyeslitup.“Really?I’msosorry.Ifeelterrible.Idon’twanttoputyouout.Areyoudating

anyone?Whatwilltheythink?”

HowexactlywasItoanswerthat?“I’mseeingsomeone,butitisn’tserious.Idocareforher

verymuch,though.Iwilltalktoherandexplainthesituation.Let’sjustfocusongettingyoutakencareof.

I’lltakecareoftherest.LikeIsaid…Onemonth.Youhavetwoweekstofindajob.Takeitorleaveit.”

Ihatedbeingthatstern,butIdidn’twanthertogetthewrongidea.

“Thankyou!Youhavenoideawhatthismeans.IswearthatIwillgetallthisfiguredout.You

won’tevenknowI’mthere!”

Oh,Idoubtedthat.

“Getyourselftakencareof.Ineedtogetbacktoworkbeforetheykickmyass.I’mstillnew

aroundhere.”

Ihoppedoutofthebackoftheambulanceandmademywaybackovertothecar.Joeywas

standingtherewaitingforme.

“Yougetthatallsquaredaway?”heasked.

Inodded.“Idid.She’sgettingmedicaltreatmentnow.”

“Good.We’vebeengiventheluckytaskofseeingherofftothehospitalandinterviewingher.

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Wehavetotakepicturesandallthatfunstuff.Morethanlikelyduetoyourrelationshipwithher.”

“Inolongerhavearelationshipwithher,thoughIusedto.Shegotherselfintoalotoftroublea

whileback.Shesaidthatshe’scleanedherselfup.Obviously,Ihavenowayofknowingthat,butIhope

shedid.Forhersake.Ihaven’tseeninheraboutayear.”

“I’msorrytohearthat,”Joeysaid.

Thatwasthefirsttimehe’dactuallybeennicetome.Iknewmostofitwasthehazing,butitwas

stillashock.

“Let’sjustfollowthemdowntothehospitalandfindoutallwecan.Maybewecanbuildagood

enoughcaseagainsthimtokeephimthereforawhile.Clearly,hedoesn’tneedtobearoundpeople,”

Joeysaid.

Inoddedandsmiled,gratefulforhisattemptatsympathy.Ididn’tthinkIcouldhandlearibbing

rightthen.

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ChapterSeven

Andi

I’djustfinishedintheshowerwhenIheardmyfrontdooropenandclose.Therewereonlytwo

peoplethathadakeytomyhouse.ElizabethandAlex,andElizabethwastoofaraway.Ihadmytowelin

hand,havingjustsqueezedtheexcesswateroutofmyhair,thoughIstillhadtinydropletsallovermy

body.Icheckedmyselfinthemirror,mymediumcoloredhairlookedalmostblackfromthedampness.It

wasamess,butitlookedgood.Sexy.Ipulledmylowerlipbetweenmyteeth,bitingdownabitasIfelta

rebelliousstreakflowthroughme.

Droppingthetowel,Iwalkedoutofthebathroomandintomybedroom.Iwasalmosttothe

closeddoorwhenitopened.Alexstoodthere,hisfaceimmediatelyglazingoverashehungrilylookedme

upanddown.Watchinghimlookatmelikethatmademyownarousalspike,mybellyfillingwith

butterflies.

Alexflungthedoorshut,theloudsoundstartlingme,butthelookonhisfacekeepingmerooted.

Hecrossedtheroominalmostnotime,hishandsgrippingmyhipsandpullingmetohimashekissedme

hard.Imoanedagainsthislipsandhegentlythrewmebackonthebed.

“I’vehadaveryhardday,”hesaid,pullingoffhisshirt.

“Oh?Youshouldletmetakecareofyou!”Isaid.Atthatmoment,IfeltterriblethatIapproached

himlikethatinsteadofgivinghimtheopportunitytotellmeabouthisday.

“Ihavemyownideasforrelievingmystress,”hesaid,voicelow,sexy.Thenagain…Maybehe

didn’tmindthatIdidn’tgivehimachancetotalkabouthisday.

Alexkneltattheedgeofthebedbeforepullingmetowardhim,mybacksidealmosthangingoff

thebed.TherewasasharpintakeofbreathasIrealizedwhathewasabouttodo.IcriedoutasIfelthis

lipsonthesensitiveskinofmyinnerthigh.Itfeltwrongtorevelinhisbadday,butitalsofeltsoright.He

wasfuriousinhisefforts,everymovemakingmegripthesheetstighterandtighter.HewasmorethanI’d

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hopedfor.

He’dsatisfiedmeonce,butthatdidn’tseemtobeenoughforhim.I’dtriedtositup,readyto

striphimoftherestofhisclothes,buthepulledmecloser,whichforcedmebackdownonmybackashe

startedalloveragain.

Itwasonce,twice,threetimesbeforeheletmego.Myfreshlyshoweredbodycoveredinathin

sheenofsweat,chestheavingwitheverybreath.Wehadn’treallyevenstarted,yet,andhe’dexhausted

me.Itwasslow,butImanagedtositup,breathingstilldifficult.

“Wow,”Iforcedout.

Hesmiled.“I’mgoingtotakeashowerandcleanthisterribledayoffme.Then,I’mcomingback

foryou.”

Ibitmylipagain.“CanIjoinyou?”

“YouwereverywetandsexywhenIwalkedin.Whydoyouthinkyougotattacked?”

Ismiled.“Iwantanotherone.Iwantyou.Please.”

Hestood,loweringhismouthtomyear.“Hearingyousaypleaselikethat…Mmm.Comewith

me.WhoamItodenysuchbeauty?”

Howwasitpossibletostillwanthimsobadlyafterallthat?

Ididn’tcare.Ididn’tneedanswers.HestoodandIfollowed.

~~~

Myeyesflutteredopen,darknessstillsurroundingme.Irolledover,feelingsomeonelyingnext

tome.Hemusthavepassedout,too.He’dbeenexhaustedwhenhegottomyhouse.Itmusthavebeen

terriblebythetimewe’dfinished.Irolledagain,tryingtogetonmystomach.Theshakingofthebedon

thesecondrollwasenoughtowakehim.

“Hmm?I’mup.I’mup,”hemumbled.Hewastryingtothrowbacktheblankets.“I’mleaving.

Sorry,Ipassedthehellout.I’msosorry.”

Therewasnowayhe’dbeabletodriveinthatcondition.Igrabbedholdofhisarm.

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“No,”Isaid.“Don’tgo.It’sfine,really.Idon’twantyoutodrivelikethis.I’mworriedyou

won’tmakeithome.Don’tforgetwhatcausedthatawfulcrashtheotherday.Someonefellasleepatthe

wheel.”

“You’resure?”heasked.

“I’mverysure.Liedown.You’renotgoinganywhere.Youcanmakeituptomelater,”I

answered.

“You’vegotyourselfadeal,”hesaid.“Again–Iamsosorry.”

Ipattedhisarm.“Don’tworryaboutit.Justgetsomesleep.”

“Thank…you,”hesaid.Itsoundedasthoughhenearlyfellasleepbetweenwords.“Itwasa

verylongday.Tomorrowwon’tbeanybetter.”

“Whyisthat?”Iasked.“Younevertoldmewhathappenedtoday.”

Hesighed.“Iwasactuallydreadingitabit.”

“Oh?Whywouldyoudreadit?”

“ShortlyafterIgotoffthephonewithyou,wegotacallin.Itwasadomesticviolencecall.Joey

andIwerethefirstthere,butbackupshortlyfollowed.WhenJoeyoriginallytoldmeaboutthecall,the

addresssoundedsofamiliar,butIcouldn’tplaceit.Itwasn’tuntilwewerealmosttherethatithitme.It

wasmyex-girlfriendSara’sapartmentcomplex.”

“Sara?Theonethatgotcaughtupwiththedrugs?”Iproppedmyselfuponmyelbows,turning

myfaceinhisdirection,thoughIcouldn’treallyseehiminthedarkness.

“Theveryone,”hesaid.“WhenIgotthere…Itwasamess.Glassallovertheplace.Shewas

cutup,bruisedup.Itwashorrific.Itwaseverythingthatnightmaresaremadeof.IttookeverythingIhad

nottojustpullthegunfrommyhipandshoothim.Itwasn’tbecauseitwasSara.Itwasbecausehehad

thatlittlerespectforwomen.Iwillneverunderstandwhymenbrutalizewomenlikethat.”

Thebedshiftedashesatupabit,adjustingthepillowsunderhimsohewasn’tlyingflat,butnot

quitesittingeither.

“I’msosorry,”Isaid.“Youweren’tjoking.Thatreallyisrough.Whywereyousoworriedto

tellme?”

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“It’snotthatIwasworried.Iwouldneverwithholdanythingfromyou.Ijustknewthatyouknew

whathappenedbetweensheandI,andIdidn’twantyoutoworry.Shehadnowheretogo.Nofamilywill

haveherbecauseofeverythingshewentthrough.Norealfriendsbecausehe’dforcedhertogetridof

them.Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo.”

Iexhaled,asympatheticsmileforming.Itouchedhisarm,followingitdownasIsearchedforhis

hand.

“Issheatyourplace,then?”Iasked.

Therewasapause.“Yes.Ihopeyou’renotupset.Ijustdidn’tknowwhatelsetodo.Icouldn’t

standthethoughtofhernothavingaplacetostaywhenshewasthatvulnerable.Theysethernoseand

dislocatedshoulderintheER.Shewasluckythatherinjurieswereeasilyfixed.Sheonlyneededstitches

onacoupleofherwounds.Therestcouldbeclosedwithmedicalglueorcleanedandcovered.Itookher

homewithme.Iboughthersomeclothesandpajamasandhelpedherwaterproofhercast,soshecould

getashower.Shewascoveredindirtandblood.Thatplacewasafilthymess.”

“Alex,pleasedon’tworryaboutme.Youdidwhatyoufeltlikeyouhadto.Ihavenoclaimover

you.Itoldyouthatbefore.Ijustappreciateyourhonesty.Iknowit’snothinglikethat,butitstillmakesme

feelgoodthatyou’resohonest.Sheneededthehelp.Ifyouhadn’ttakenherin,shecouldhavebeenhurt

wayworse.Don’tworryaboutme,okay?”

“Ifyousayso.Thankyouforunderstanding.It’sjustbeenalongday,andI’mnotsurehowto

feelaboutanything.”

“I’llgogetyousomethingtodrink.Getadrinkandgotosleep.Trynottothinkabouttheday

todayorhousingher.Tonight,you’rewithme.Tonight,noneofthatisanissue.”

Iheardalong,deepsigh.“Ilovethewaythatsounds.Thankyou,Andi.”

Asmentioned,Iwenttothekitchenandgrabbedhimsomethingtodrink.BythetimeIgotback,

hewasalreadyasleep.Isatitonthebedsidetableandcoveredhimup.Helookedsosweetwhenhewas

asleep.He’dbeensoworriedamomentago,butknowingthatIwassupportiveofhimandthathewas

herewithmeandnotathomemadehimfeelsafeandcomfortableenoughtopassbackout.

Iwasn’tsurewhattomakeofthewaymyheartstirredasIwatchedhim.Ifeltstrangestanding

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therelikeacreeper,butIfeltthetugofsomethingfamiliar,butlongmissing.SomethingIdidn’tthinkI

wascapableofanymore.Ishookmyhead,clearingmythoughts.Whateveritwas,andIrefusedtoadmitit

tomyself,Ididn’tneedtobethinkingofitrightthen.

Damnit.Themainrulehadonlybeenbrokenonce,andIwasalreadyregrettingit.Orhaditbeen

thesex?Sexdidhaveawayofbringinghiddenemotionstothesurface…Evenifithadonlybeenonce

andespeciallywithmind-blowingsexlikethathadbeen.

Islidintobed,carefulnottojostleittoomuch.Ipulledtheblanketuptomystillnaked

shouldersandclosedmyeyes.Asheavyastheywere,Iknewunconsciousnesswouldsoonbethereto

findme.

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ChapterEight

Almosttwoweekshadpassedandthingshadbeengoingverywell.Icouldn’tbehappier.After

thatnight,onceI’dfeltthestirringsofthe“feels”,Itoldhimnomoresleepingover.He’daskedif

everythingwasokay,ifIwasmadathim.HowcouldIbe?Itwasmydecisiontohavehimsleepover.I’d

beensoworriedabouthimgettingintoanaccidentthatIcouldn’timaginehimleaving.Still,itdidn’t

makemydiscomfortanyless.Itrulyhatedbeingsosensitivetoallofthat.

Otherthanthemomentaryemotionaldiscomfort,AlexandIhadbeenhavingalotoffun.Hewas

quiteananimal.Therewasnolimittohissexdrive.AnytimeIwantedit,hewasreadyforit.We’dgone

tothemoviesandtherehadbeenasexscenethatwasparticularlysexy.Beforeitwasover,hishands

werecreepingupmythighs.Wesnuckawayandhadsexintheparkinglotbeforegoingbackintofinish

themovie.

I’dneverbeentheadventuroustypewhenitcametosex,buthewashardtosaynoto.Wehung

outwithhisfriendsagainlastSundaynight.WewenttoJack’sagain.Ithadbecomequitearitual.We

werehavingfunandcheeringalongwitheveryoneelseinthebarwhilewatchingthegameonthemany

bigscreenTVs.I’dgonetogetdrinks,butAlexfollowedmeup.BeforeIcouldevenorder,hepulledme

awayfromthebar,draggedmeintothemen’sroom,lockedthedoorandpushedmeflushagainstit.Itwas

sounexpected.So,new.So,fun.

We’dhadsomuchfunwithoneanotherthatitwasgettingharderandhardertofathomlosing

him.He’dbecomeevenmoreofafixtureinmylife.Iknewwhatwashappening,butIdidn’tcare.I

hadn’tyetadmitteditoutloud,asI’dbeentryingtoconvincemyselfthatitwasjustthelackofdesireto

losesuchamazingsex,butIknewthetruth.

MoreandmoreI’dfoundmyselfwantinghimtocomeoverandsnuggleonthecouchwithme.To

stayover,thoughI’dresisted.Tohavedinnerwithme.Iwantedtospendmoreandmoretimewithhim.

He’dnaturallybeenmovinginthatdirectionaswell,butI’ddonewellkeepinganarm’slength.Slowand

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steady.Itwasgoingwellsofar.Iwashavingfun,sowashe.Therewasn’tanyreasontomesswitha

goodthing.Whateverhappens,happens,Isaid.

Ittooklongerthanusualtogettoworkthatmorning.Onmycommute,Iheardmyphoneding,but

Iwasunabletoanswer.ItwasafterreportthatIwasfinallyabletoquick-checkit,butIstilldidn’thave

timetorespond,whichwastrulyunfortunate.Itwasunfortunatebecauseitwasaratherstrangemessage

thatneededrespondingto.

Lastnightwasamazing.Thankyou.Idon’tknowwhenwecanagain,but

Ineedtotouchyouagain.

Mybrowsfurrowed.AllthatwasextremelynormalexceptforthefactthatAlexandIweren’t

togetherthenightbefore.Notatall.Infact,he’dtoldmethathewastootiredtocomeover.Whichwas

fine.Iwasactuallyprettyexhausted,myself.Ijustfiguredwecouldtaketheday’sfrustrationsoutonone

another.Hewasjusttootired,andIunderstood.Thattextthough…

WhenElizabethhadtalkedtomeaboutKevinlongago,myfirstinstinctwastobelievethathe

wascheating.Always.Anyofthegirlsatworkthattoldmeaboutweirdthingsthattheirsignificantothers

did,again,Ibelievedthattheywerecheating.Icouldn’tbreakawayfrommydistrust,whichwasthe

biggestreasonwhyIdidn’twanttogetromanticallyinvolvedwithAlex.Itrustedhimimplicitlyasmy

friend,butIhadnoideahowthatwouldtransferoverasasignificantother.

IfounditoddthatatextfromAlexlikethatonedidn’tringanybellsforme.EitherIwasvery

comfortablewithhimandtrulybelievedthathewouldtellmeifhewasseeingsomeoneelseaswell,orI

wasjustconvincedthattherewasanotherexplanation.Eitherway,Ididn’tfeelangryorsuspicious.

CuriousseemedtobeamuchbetterexplanationforthewaythatIfelt.

Ittookalmostalldayformetofinallygetachancetotexthimback.Ididn’twanttocomeoff

accusingbecausethatwasn’thowIfelt.Truthandhonestywasthebiggestpartofourarrangement,soI

justwantedtomakesurethatIknewwhatwasgoingon.ItwastruethatI’dgottenabitmoreattachedto

himthanIliked,butIwasstillabletofocusthroughit.Istillknewtherulesthatwehadsetwerethere.

Ihadn’tconfessedmybuddingemotions,mostlybecauseIjustwasn’treadyto.Iwasn’treadyto

committoanything.Istillneededsometimetoprocessbeforeheknew.So,ifhe’ddecidedtoseeanyone

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else,thatwasn’tagainstanyrules.Iknewthat,sotherewasn’tanypointtogettingupset,butIcouldstill

askquestions.Thatwaswithinmyright.Ineededtoprotectmyself.AssoonasIgotamoment,I

responded.

Hey!Didyoumeantosendthatmessagetome?:)

I’msorrytobenosy.I’mnotupset,sopleasedon’tthinkthat.Ijust

wantedtobehonestwithoneanother.Ifyou’reseeingsomeoneelse,

that’sfine!IjustwantedtomakesureIknewwhatwasgoingon.Safety

andall.

Isentthemessageandhopedthatitwouldn’tcomeoffthewrongway.Ididn’twanthimtothink

Iwasbeingcondescendingoraccusing,butIhadalltherightintheworldtomakesurethatmyhealth

wasn’tbeingrisked.Itonlytookabouttenminutesforhimtoreply,andIwasluckythatIwasbetween

patientsbecausethereplycameintheformofaphonecall.

“Heya,”Isaid.

“Hey!I’mreallyconfused.Whatareyoutalkingabout?Whattext?TheonlyonethatIhaveis

metellingyougoodnight.Thatwasfromlastnight.”

Thatwascurious.“Well,Igotatextfromyournumberthankingmeforlastnight.Something

aboutneedingtotouchmeagain,butweweren’ttogetherlastnight.Hmm.Maybeitwasadelayedtext?

It’sprobablysomethingyousentawhilebackthatjustdidn’tsend.Ithappens.”

“I’mnotsure,babe.I’mreallysorry,though.Ihatethatitmadeyoususpectsomethingbad.I

neverwantyoutofeelthatwaywithme.ImadeapromisetoyouthatI’dtellyouifanythinglikethat

happened.Thereisn’tariskofthathappening,butIstillmadethatpromise.Iintendtokeepit,”he

said.

“Oh,Iknowthat.LikeIsaid,Iwasn’tupsetatall.Wemadetherulesandeverything,andItold

youthatIwouldn’tstopyoufromdatingsomeoneelse.It’swrongofmetodothat,sinceI’vemadeno

claimtoyou.Wearen’tofficiallytogether.It’snotfairformetomakedemandsofyou.AllIaskedwas

honestyifyoudidstarttodateanyoneorsleepwithanyoneelse.Thatwasstrictlyforsafetypurposes.I

believeyou.Actually,whenIreadit,Ineverevenhadanydoubt.Itwasweird.Definitelyastrange

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feelingformetohavethatmuchtrustinsomeone.Apparently,ItrustyouwaymorethanevenIthought.”

Helaughed.“That’sagoodthing!Ilikeyoutrustingme.Iwouldn’tdoanythingtohurtyou,

Andi.Never.Ihopeyouknowthat.”

Itwasmyturntosmilethen.“Iknowit.Ijustwantedtocheckwithyou.Thankyoufortalkingto

meaboutit!”

“Notaproblem.Justsendmeascreenshot.Iwanttoseetheexactwording,soIcanlookup

throughmytextsandfindit.Honestly,Idon’tremembersendinganythinglikethat,butI’lllook.”

Acalllightwentoff,andIhadtoexcusemyselffromthecall.Iansweredthelightandsenthima

screenshotaspromised.AcoupleofhourslaterAlextextedmebacktotellmethathe’dneversentany

suchthing.He’dlookedallthewaybacktothedaywebeganplayingaround,butfoundnothingofthe

sort.Thatwascertainlystrange.Ifitwasn’tadelayedtext,andhedidn’taccidentallysendit,therewas

onlyoneotheroption.

IsitpossiblethatSarasentthatmessagetomefromyourphone?How

hasshebeen?Isshethattypeofperson?Wehaven’treallytalkedto

muchabouthersinceshemovedin,mostlybecauseyou’vebeen

spendingsomuchtimewithme.Isthatpossible?

ItwastheonlythingthatIcouldthinkof.Itmadesense.He’dlatertoldmethatshementioned

beingsorryforeverythingthatshedidtohim.Butwasshereallyvindictiveenoughtodestroysomething

thathehadjusttopotentiallygethimback?Itwouldbeeasytocatchher,sowhywouldsherisklosing

theonlythingshehadgoingforher?Whywouldsherisklosingagoodfriendandaclean,safeplaceto

staywithacopthatwouldprotectherifanyonecamelookingforher?

Iknowthatit’seasytothinkthat,especiallywhenyoudon’tknowher,

butyoudon’tknowherlikeIdo.Itwasn’ther,trustme.Sheisn’tlike

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that.Besides,myphonewasbymeallnightandthismorning.Isleptin

latebeforework.Shecouldn’thavegottenmyphone.Iknowthatyou

don’tknowherverywell,butI’mactuallyimpressedwitheverything

she’sdonetoturnherselfaround.Iguessshejustneededsomeonetogive

herachance.

Mmhmm…Iwasalreadyannoyedwiththeconversation.Hewasverydefensiveabouther,

giventhathe’dtoldmehowmuchsheusedtolie.Myphonevibratedasanothertextrolledin.

Inthelasttwoweeks,she’ssecuredajobworkingfromhome.She’san

assistantforsomeone.She’salsosignedupforschool.Shestartedtoday,

actually.Itwasveryshortnotice,butIsatwithherforawhileand

helpedherwithheradmissionsworkandFAFSA.Wegotitdone.She’s

goingfornursing.Thisfirstsemestershe’stakingallofherprerequisites

online.It’sreallygreat!I’mproudofher!Youshouldbe,too.Youknow

howhardallthatstuffis,especiallygivenwhereshe’scomingfrom.

Prettyimpressive.

His“especiallies”weregettingonmynerves.Alot.Iwasn’tquitesurewhyitwasgrindingmy

nervessomuch,butitreallywas.Thattextcamefromsomewhere.Ibelievedthathedidn’tsendittome

himself,eitherbyaccidentoronpurpose,butitdidcomefromhisphone.Ithadtobeher.Thewaythathe

wasacting,she’ddoneagoodjobplantingtheseedsthatshe’dneeded.MaybeIwaswrong,whoknows?

ButtherewasonethingthatIwasgoodatandthatwasreadingpeople.Mygutwasalmostneverwrong.

Insteadoflashingoutagainsthim,likeIwantedto,Itextedhimbackandtoldhimthatwe’dtalk

aboutitthatnight.Maybeoverdinner.ItoldhimthatIdidn’twanttoargueoveritoranythingelse.My

workdayhadgottenverybusywithtwomoreadmissions,andIdidn’thavetimetoworryoverthe

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mysterioussexualtextthatwasn’taimedatme,orthemysteriousex-girlfriendthatIdidn’tknowmuch

about,buthadmadeamiraculousrecoveryfollowingaterriblebeating.

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ChapterNine

Workgotprogressivelyworsewithalotofissues.Ihadapatientthathithiscalllighteveryten

minutes.Pleasekeepinmindthathewasaverymildpatient.Hehadsomepainthatcouldn’tbe

controlledandsomehowmanagedtogetadmittedtothehospital.Hewasinhislatetwenties,fully

mobile,novisiblewounds.Hispainwasinhisrightarm,soIplacedhisbedsidetableonhisleft.

Herepeatedlycallednursesintogivehimdrinks.Hiscupwasfullandplacedwellwithinarm’s

reach.Theywerealsoaskedtochangehischannelsforhimwhentheremotewasinhislap.Hewanted

shaved,helpedtothebathroom,andoneofthenursesgothiton.Whensherefusedhim,itsuddenly

becamemyturn.I’dhadaboutenough.Itoldhimthatwedidn’thavetokeephimandifhecontinuedtobe

soincrediblyrudeandlecheroustomygirls,hewouldfindhimselfdischarged.Hequieteddownafter

that,butthatwasseveralhourslater.

IwenthometofindAlexwaitingformeonthecouch.Hiscarhadn’tbeenoutside.Howhadhe

gottenthere?

“Hey!”hesaidwithabigsmile.“Howwaswork?”

“Itwaskindofterrible,butdefinitelynottheworstdayever.Sometimesyoujustgetthosereally

awfulpatientsthattakeeverythingyoudoforgranted.”

“I’msorry,sweets.Igotamovieforustowatch.Interested?”

Imademywayovertothecouch.Iwantedtositdown,butIcouldn’tuntilItookashower.The

ideaoftouchinganyofmyfurniturebeforebeingcleansedofthedaymademesick.

“Veryinterested,”Ireplied.“Whereisyourcar?”

“Oh!Sarabroughtme.Iletherborrowmycar.”

Totalconfusionwashedoverme.Hiswordshitmelikeabagofbricks,butthetoneofhisvoice

waschipper,happy.Hesoundedlikehe’dloanedthecartohismotheranditwasasweetdeedwelldone.

Mygutwasrollingover.Wasitjealousy?IthadbeensolongsinceI’dfeltit.WasthatwhatIwas

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feeling?OrwasIgettingaterriblefeelingaboutsomeonethatItrulybelievedmightbeuptonogood?It

wassohardtosay,butIcouldn’tmakeahugedealaboutit,orriskhurtingAlexunnecessarily.

“Youlooklikeyou’vebeenpunched,”hesaid.“Areyouokay?”

“Yeah,”Isaid,havingnoideawhatelsetosay.“I’mfine.”

Hegavemeaknowingsmile.“Wepromisedtobehonestwithoneanother,remember?”

Irolledmyeyes.Whosestupidrulewasthatanyway?…Right.

“Yes,wedid,”Isaid,abitofannoyanceinmyvoice.EvenIcouldhearit.“Look,Iknowthat

youthinkyouknowSaraandeverything,butIhaveabadfeeling.Imeanabadfeeling.Ican’texplainit.

I’veonlymetheronce,butsomethingisn’tright.”

I’dgoneovertheretopickhimupthenightwewenttoJack’swithhisfriends.I’dmether

brieflythatnight.Sheseemedniceenough,butshewasjust…Well,awkwardistheonlywordthatI

couldfindforit.TherewassomethingaboutherthatIcouldn’tplace,butI’dletitgo.Therewas

somethingreallywronggoingonwiththattextanditbotheredmegreatly.

“Iunderstandthatyoufeelthatway,”hestarted.“Youhavenothingtoworryabout,though.She’s

agreatgirl.Shealwayswas,butshejustcouldn’tseethepotentialinherself.She’stakingaterrible

situationandmakingthebestofit.”

“Gah!She’sjusttryingtoimpressyouandstealyouaway!”Woops…Thatsoundedatad,no,it

soundedalotmorejealousthanI’dmeant.Itjustpissedmeofftohearhimdefendhermore.MaybeI

reallywaswrong,buthecouldn’tdefendherbeforeevenlookingintoit.Hewasacop,forcryingout

loud.

“Someonejealous?”heasked,asmilecreepingacrosshisface.Ofcourse,he’dthinkitwas

funny.

“No,”Isnapped.

“No?Notjealous?Remember,Andi.Honesty.You’rerules,now.Notjustmyown.”

Thepompoussmileonhisfacemademewanttohithim.Italsomademewanttokisshim.I

sighed.

“Comeshowerwithme,”Isaid.“Iwanttotalktoyouandbeclosetoyou,butIrefusetositon

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thefurnitureuntilI’mcleanofthehospital.”

Heputtheremotedownandfollowedmewithoutquestion.Inthebathroom,wetookturns

undressingoneanotherbeforegettinginthehotwater.

“So,starttalking,”hesaidasheworkedshampoothroughmyhair.

“You’reright.Ipromisedtobehonest.Ijustdidn’twantittocauseanyissuesbetweenus.”

“Whatwouldcauseissues,sweets?Thereisnothingthatyoucouldtellmethatwouldmakeme

thinkdifferentlyofyou,”hesaid,placingakissonbothofmyshoulders.

“Iamalittlejealous.Idon’tknowwhy.Lately,Ihavebeenfeelingalittlebit…closerthan

usual.”

“Whyhaven’tyoutoldme?”heasked.

“Idon’tknowwhatitis.Idon’tknowifit’sthesexinfluencingmyemotions,orifit’sthefact

thatthereisanotherwoman–anex-girlfriend–livingwithyou,orifit’sactualfeelings.AllIknowis

thatI’mnotready.WhybringitupandconfuseyouandriskmakingthingsweirdifIhavenoideawhat

I’mreallyfeeling?”Itookadeepbreathafterhavingsaidthemajorityofthatinonebreath.

“Wow.”Heseemedgenuinelysurprised.“Idon’tknowwhattosay.I’mkindofshocked,really.

Youdon’thavetobeafraidtotalktome,though.YouknowhowIfeelaboutyou.Thathasn’tchanged.

Notevenalittle.Ilo…”

“Ifyou’reabouttosaywhatIthinkyouare,don’t.You’reright.Idoknowhowyoufeelabout

me.Ijustcan’tletgo,yet.IfeellikeI’montherightroad,butnotyet.Iknowit’salottoask,butplease

justlookintothetextmessage?Thereisn’tafiberofmybeingthatdoesn’tbelieveyouaboutthetextnot

comingfromyou.Iwouldn’tpressit,butsomethingisjustnaggingatme.Icanfeelitinmygut.Ifitdidn’t

comefromyoubyaccident,anditdidn’tgetsentawhileagoandonlyjustnowdeliver,thenwhothehell

sentit?Becauseitcamefromyourphone.Nodoubtaboutit.So,whosentit?Thereareonlytwopeople

thathadaccesstoyourphone.Youandher.Whetheryouwerenexttoitornot,Idon’tthinkitwouldtake

muchtosneakinifyouwereinheavysleep.”

Hefinishedrinsingthesoapfrommyhair,runninghistongueupthesideofmycleanneckandto

myearlobe.Pullingitintohismouth,hegaveagentlenibble.

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“Foryou,Iwoulddoanything.I’lllookintoit.Ipromise.”

Isighedinrelief.“Thankyou.Ifyoufindnothing,IpromisethatI’llletitgo.Thatismypromise

toyou.”

Hesmiled,almostgigglingalittlebit.Myeyesnarrowedathim.

“What?”Iasked.

Hepokedmeafewtimesinthebelly.“You’rejealous.Youlikeme.Youlikelikeme,even.”

“Shutup!”Ilaughed.Ilikedtheplayfulness,butIhatedthetopic.Itwassoweirdtofeelabit

jealous.Itwasevenweirdertoadmititoutloud.“Youleavemealone.I’mnevertellingyouanything

again.”

“Oh,now.Youstopthat.Whatdoyousaythatwefinishwashingupandgetoutofhere?Wehave

amovietowatchandthenIthinkweneedtogotobed.”

“Oh,dowe,now?”Iasked.

Hisfacebecameabitmoreserious.“Wedo.NowthatIknowwhatIknow,there’ssomething

thatIwanttotrywithyou.”

“Ifit’swhatIthink,thenyoucanstayaway,”Isaid,laughingabit.

“No,no.Nothinglikethat.I’mbeingserious.Iwantyoutoletmetakethingsslowwithyou.I

enjoyourkinkyfun,butI’dlikeforyoutoletmetakeitslowwithit.”

MyfacefellasIcontemplatedhiswords.“Youmeanthatyouwanttomakelovetome.”Itwas

moreofastatementthanaquestion.

Henodded.“Yes.”

Alexleanedforwardandkissedmethen,hislipssoftandfullofemotion.Ithadbeenalongtime

sinceI’dbeentouchedinsuchaway.MaybeIcouldjusttreatitlikeanexperimentandseehowIfelt

after.Perhapsitwouldhelpmefigureoutmoreofmyfeelings,oritcouldmakethingsworse.Whoknew?

Wegotoutandhedriedmeoff.Ismiledateverytouchhemade.Hewassoverypassionateand

sweet.Hewrappedmeinarobeandwemadeourwaybackouttothecouchtowatchthemoviethathe’d

broughtover.We’donlymadeitabouthalfwaythroughbeforehebegankissingmyneck.Thenmy

shoulders.Veryquicklyweabandonedthemovietogotothebedroom.

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Histouchwaseverythinghe’dpromised.Slow.Sensual.Mybodyrespondedlikealways,but

myheartandheadwarredagainstoneanotherforcontrol.Hepulledawayfromme,brushinghis

fingertipsacrossmycheek.

“Youhavenoideahowbeautifulyouare,”hesaid.“Thankyouforbeingeverythingthatyouare

forme.”

Mybreathcaughtinmythroatashecontinuedkissingmybody.AlextrulywaseverythingI’d

everwantedinaman.Iwantedtogivemyselftohimcompletely,butIstillfelttheneedtopullback.I

alwayshatedwhenwomensaidthattheycouldtellhowmuchamanlovedthembythewayhetouched

her.Thatwasneveranaccuratewaytojudgethat.Amanorawomanwascapableofconveyinganything

theywantediftheyweregoodenoughatintheartofbetrayal.Menandwomenwerealsocapableof

demonstratinggreatlovethroughsimpleactionsandgentletouches,somethingI’dlongforgotten.My

skepticismhadlongcontrolledme,butIwasslowlylettingthatgo.Forhim.Somehow,Ifoundmyself

thinkingthatsamethingaboutAlex.Thewayhetouchedmewasnothingshyofloving.

Whenitwasallsaidanddone,werelaxedinbedtogether,heononesideandmeontheother.I

foundmyselfrollingoverandplacingmyhandonhischest.Hesmiledashelookedatme,restinghis

handonmine.

“Areyouokay?”heasked.

Ismiled.“Morethanokay.Ifeelwonderful.”

“I’mglad.Thatmakesmehappy.”

“Wouldyouwanttostaythenightwithme?”Iblurtedout.Iwasn’texactlysurewhatprompted

metoask,butonceitwasoutthere,Ifelthappyaboutit.Ifeltlikewe’dsharedsomethingspecial,andI

wantedtopursueitfurther.

Alexleanedforwardandkissedme.“I’dloveto.”

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ChapterTen

Thenextfewdayswereamazing.AlexhadpromisedtolookintotheSara/weirdtextthingand

hehad.Therestillwasn’tanysignofwherethetextcamefrom,butIfeltmuchbetterjustknowingthathe

waslooking.Afterthinkingaboutit,hesaidthathefeltbadabouthowhe’dhandledthingswithmein

regardstoSara.

“IthinkIknowwhyyouweresoupset,”he’dtoldme.“Shehurtme.Weweretogetherandit

wentverybadly.Sheprovedherselftobeabadsignificantother.Maybenotabadperson,sotospeak,

butabadsignificantother.WhenIstoodupforher,IassumethatitfeltasthoughIwastakingherside

overyours,someonethathasprovenherselftimeandtimeagaintobeamazingineveryway.IfI’dbeenin

yourplaceandarandomguywashangingaroundyou,Ican’tsaythatI’dhavechosentoactanydifferent

thanyoudid.No,actually,I’dhavebeenfarworse.Iwouldhaveactedfoolish,forlackofabetterword.

You,however,wouldhaveactedverydifferentthanIdid.You’dhavetakencareofitattheveryfirstsign

ofmydiscomfort.”

He’dbeenspotonwithwhyI’dfeltsoterribleaboutit,withhimchoosingsomeonethathad

proventobealiaroverme,butitmademefeelsomuchbetterthathe’dapologizedinthatway.An

apologywasonething,butunderstandingwasmuchmore.Heseemedtounderstand.

Ihatedusingthephrase“choseheroverme.”Somethingswerejusthardtoexplainwithout

usingsomethingfamiliar.Iwasn’thistobechoosingandviceversa,butIdidexpecthimtolistentomy

reasoningasafriend,justasIwouldhis.Itseemedlikethingsweregettingalotbetterinthataspect,after

heunderstoodwhereIwascomingfromwithit.Itwasnicetofinallyhaveourcarefreefunbackagain.It

wasnicetojustletgowithoneanotherandjust…exist.Itwasrelaxingafterbeingsotenseatworkso

often.Weeachworkedwaytoomanyhourstonotallowourselvesabitofreprieve.

Speakingofreprieve…Mybirthdayhadarrived!Iquitmakingabigdealaboutitafterthe

divorce,butscrewit!Iwantedafunbirthday.Witheverythingthatwasgoingonwiththeweddingandthe

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planning,ElizabethandJaxwouldn’tbedown.Itwassadforme.ItwouldbethefirstbirthdaythatI’d

havetospendwithouther,butIunderstood.She’dstillcalledandwishedmeahappybirthday…at

midnight.Shewantedtobethefirst,notthatIwassurprised.

WhenIgottoworkthatday,therewasnotone,noteventwo,butthreedozenroseswaitingfor

me.Thefirstsatonthecurbinfrontofmydesignatedparkingspot.IsmiledwhenIsawthem,hopingthey

wereforme,thenrememberingthatIworriedaboutsuchthings,sothenIconvincedmyselfthatIdidn’t

wantthemtobeforme.Iwasexhausting,eventomyself.

I’dparkedthecarandwenttosearchforacard.Ifoundthesmallwhiterectangleandpulledit

fromthevase.

Thisisthefirst,butnotthelast.

Youmighthateme,butIrunveryfast.

IlaughedwhenIreadit.Theycouldn’thavebeenforanyoneelse.Whoelse“might”hategetting

adozenredroses?Ipickedthemupandtooktheminsidewithmeonlytobemetatthefrontcounter.

Therewasanevenlargerdisplay.Thisonewasfullofwhiteroseswithsmallerbluish-purpleflowers

mixedin.Blueirises,Ithoughttheywere.Itwasastunningdisplay.

“Goodmorning!”Alice,theolderwomanatthefrontdesk,saidtome,asmilefromeartoear.

“Goodmorning,Alice!”

“Iseeyoufoundthefirstone,”she’dsaid.

Ilookedatherincredulously.Atthatmoment,Icouldn’tbelievethattherewasanotherone.He’d

brokentheruleonce.Surely,hedidn’tplantodoittwice!

Ithenmademywaytothecountertofindanothercard.Alicecouldn’tstopsmiling.Itwasas

thoughthegenerousandveryexaggerateddisplaywerehers.Ikindofwishedtheywerebecauseitwas

justtoomuch.Toosweet.Myheartswelledasthescentswrappedaroundme.

Pleasedon’thateme,

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Butonewassimplynotenough.

Ihavesomuchmoreplanned,

It’sallforyoumy…friend.

Mmhmm.Frienddidn’trhymewithenough…Smooth.Verysmooth.Thatwastwicehe’donly

barelyskirtedaroundtheLword.Thefirsttimewasintheshowertogether.He’dalmosttoldmethathe

lovedme.Knowingitandhearingitweretwodifferentthings.

Alicehelpedmecarrythesecondlargedisplayofflowersuptomydesk–whereIfoundthe

thirddisplay.Thatonewasfullofwhiteroseswithpurpleedgesandbaby’sbreath.Thatonewasmy

absolutefavorite,andIhopedthatitwasmylast.Icouldn’ttakemuchmore.Myheartwasaboutto

explode.

Therosesweresurroundedwithballoons,ahomemadecake,awrappedgift–likeI’dneededit

afterwhatIassumedwasatleastatwo-hundred-dollardisplayofflowers,andanothercard.Thegirls

wereallstandingaroundthedesk,swooning.Apparently,ithadbeenAlexhimselfthatdeliveredthelast

bit.Hewantedtomakesurethateverythingwassetuptohisliking.He’dinstructedthegirlstostay

completelyquietandnotbreatheawordofit.Theysaidthatheknewthey’dtellmeifadeliveryguy

showedup.Smartman…Verysmartman.

HappyBirthdayAndi.

Youwon’tletmesayit,thoughIwishyouwould.

JustknowthatIdo.Ihopeyourdayisthebest.

Atthebottomofthecardwasatinyheartthatwashanddrawn.Hedidn’tknowityet,butit

reallywasthebestbirthdayever,andithadonlyjustbegun.Icouldn’twaittoseehim.Icouldn’tdecide

ifIwantedtoripintohimforbeingsosweet,orifIwantedtohugandkisshim.Noonehadeverdone

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anythinglikethatforme.

WhenIfinallyarrivedathishousethatnight,afterwhatseemedlikeaneternityatwork,Inearly

knockedhimdownwithhowhardIwrappedmyarmsaroundhimandkissedhim.Helaughedagainstme

asIpushedhimthroughthedoorandcloseditbehindme.

“Well,hellothere,birthdaygirl.Howareyou?”heasked.

Ismiled.“You’reintrouble.Doyouhaveanyideahowinlovewithyouthegirlsatworkare?

Theyareallveryjealous.Theyarealsoveryangryatmenow.”

“Whyaretheyangry?”heasked.

“Because!Theyknewourarrangement.Theythoughtitwasagreatarrangementuntiltheymet

you!Nowtheyaredrivingmenuts.‘Whydon’tyougivethatboyachance?Whydon’tyoubenicerto

him?Guyslikethatdon’tcomearoundveryoften!Youdon’twanttomissoutonthatone.Sexyand

sweet?Youjustcan’tfind‘emlikethat!’That’sallIheardallday!”

Helaughed.“Idoapologize.NextyearI’llsendyouabagofflamingdogcrap.”

“Iwishyouwould.Itwouldbeeasiertoexplain.”

Webothlaughed.Itwassoeasytolaughwithhim.Ilovedit.Thatmanwasmagical.

“Whatwouldyoulikefordinner?”heasked.“Wecanhaveanythingyouwant.Icanmakeitfor

you,orIcantakeyouout.Whateveryoulike.”

“Oh,no,”Isaid.“You’vespentwaytoomuchmoneyonmealready.Andthegift?Concert

ticketsandbackstagepasses?Areyouserious?You’renotrich.Youdon’tneedtospendthatkindof

moneyonme.”

“I’vebeensavingforyourbirthdayforawhile.Ifyoustillweren’tdatinganyone,Iwasgoingto

giveyouabirthdaythatyoudeserved.Ididn’tevenanticipateusbeinganythingmorethantotallynormal

friends.Ididn’tthinkaboutthishappening.Thisjustmakesitmorespecialtome.”

Isighed.“You’retoogoodforme.I…”

Whoooa.

What…the…hell…

Thatwasrandom.Itwasalsopowerful.Icouldn’tbelieveit.Ialmostsaidit!Ialmosttoldhim

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thatIlovedhim.Itnearlyblurtedout!

“Youwhat?”heasked,asmileonhisface.Thatsmilewasmuchbiggerthanusualandvery

knowing.“Whatwasthat?”

“Uh,nothing.Howaboutwedosomethingelseinsteadofdinner?I’mhungry,butthatcanwait.I

wantsomethingelse.”

Hiseyesnarrowed,thatsmileneverfading.“Ohyeah?What’sthat?”

Igrabbedhishandanddraggedhimtowardthebedroom.Wehadhishousetoourselves,for

whichIwasgrateful.Sarahadgonetoafriend’shousethatnight.Hesaidthatsheaskedalotof

questions,whichconfusedhim.Notbecauseoftheobvious.Iautomaticallyassumedshewasaskingalot

ofquestionsbecauseshewasactinglikeaworriedgirlfriend,buttohimitwascompletelynormaland

fine.Didn’tseemtobotherhimintheleast.Insteadofbringingitupandriskinganargumentthatwasn’t

needed,Ikeptmymouthshut.Afterall,shewasgone,wasn’tshe?Ididn’tneedtoworryaboutit.Still,I

hopedthatshe’dnevercomeback.

Oncewewereinthebedroom,Alexheadedovertothebed.Iplacedmyhandagainstthewall

anduseditforsupportasItookmyshoesoff,followedbymysocksandthenmyjeans.I’dshoweredand

changedbeforeIleftwork,soIwouldn’thavetoworryaboutitwhenIfinallygottohim.IknewIwould

bemoreinterestedinhimthananythingelse,andIanticipatedcorrectly.

Alexgaspedfrombehindme.Itwasveryquiet,butstillthere.IturnedtofindAlexadjustingthe

pillowonwhatwasusuallymysideofthebed.

“Everythingokay?”Iasked.“Awaywardpillowgettingthebestofyou?”

Hewasalwaysfluffingpillows.Itwassomethinghecouldn’tstand.Itdrovehimcrazy.

Naturally,assoonashelefttheroomI’dalwaysswitchthemtoseeifhe’dnotice.Somehow,healways

did,whichmadeitevenbetter.Icouldn’twaitforhimleavetheroom,soIcoulddoitagain.

Helookedatmethen,eyeswide.Heseemedslightlyshockedaboutsomething.Itwaskindof

strange,really,butIletitgo.

“Yeah!”hesaidveryquickly.“I’mfine!Ijust…I,uh,forgottowashthesheets.I’msosorry.”

“Aw,don’tworryaboutthat.Idon’tmind.Youdon’thavetoactsogoofyaboutit.Noneedto

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impressme.Iknowyouwashedthemovertheweekend.It’sonlybeenafewdays.Mostpeoplewash

themonceaweek.Noneedtoworry!”

Ilaughedathim.Sometimeshewasaratherstrangeman.

“Actually,”hesaid.“Iamkindofhungry.Ihaven’teatenallday.Wouldyoulikemetomakeyou

dinnerfirst?Iknowyouwantedsomethingalittlemore‘fun’fordinner,butthatcancomeafter.”

Ismiled.“Realdinnerisfine.Maybewecanmakesomepizza?”

“Pizzasoundsgreat.Gograbaseatinthelivingroom,startamovie,andI’llbeinthereina

sec,”hesaid.

Hewasstillstandingbytheedgeofthebed,handsonhishipsandanervoussmile.Mygut

startedtinglingagain.Somethingfeltwrong.

“Whydon’tyoucomewithme?”Iasked.

Hisheadtiltedeversoslightlytowardthepillowbeforeheturnedbacktome.“Okay.Icando

that.”

Hefollowedmeoutoftheroom,makingsuretoturnoffthelightandclosethedoorbehindhim,

somethingheneverdid.Hisdoorwasalwaysopen.

Istartedamoviewhilehestarteddinner.Hishomemadepizzawastodiefor.Itwoulddefinitely

topthenightoff.He’dbroughtmeaglassofwine,andI’dalreadysuckeditdownbecauseofmynervous

belly.Ihatedmyself.Ihatedmylackoftrust.AndsincewhendiditflareupwithAlex?Ithadneverbeen

thatway.Logictoldmethathehadasurprisewaitingforme.Itwasmybirthday,afterall.Itmadesense!

Logically,Ibelievedthat,butmygut…IsighedasIshiftedaroundonthecouch.AsIdid,Irealizedithad

beenalongwhilesinceI’dvisitedthelittlegirl’sroom.

Istoodupandheadedtowardhisbedroom,wantingtousethebathroominthereinsteadofthe

bathroomthatSaraused.Ididn’tfeellikewalkingintheretoseeallhercrapspewedoutalloverthe

place,pettyasitwas.Iwasstillhavingissues,apparently.

“Whoa,”Alexsaid,lightlygrabbingmyhandasIwalkedpastthekitchentowardtheshorthall

thatleadhisbedroom.“Whereareyougoing?”

“Uh…tothebathroom?Youbroughtmewine.That’ssomethingthatkindofcutsrightthrough.”

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“Oh.Uh,whydon’tyouusetheotherbathroom?”heasked,faceveryserious.“It’scloser.”

“Well,itwascloser,whenIwasonthecouch.NowI’mlike,maybefifteenfeetaway.”

Heshrugged,lettinggoofmyhand.“Youcanstilluseit.It’sanicerbathroom.Mine’samess.”

Ilaughed.“You,sir,arethemostorganizedmanI’veeverseenwhenitcomestobathrooms.

Besides,evenifitis,it’snotabigdeal.It’sjustabathroom.What?Areyouhidingasurpriseinthereor

something?”

Hisbrowsfurrowedforamomentinconfusionbeforehiseyeswidened.

“Yeah!That’sit.Iwantedtodosomethingniceforyou,soIdon’twantyoutogointhere.”

“YouforgetthatIwasalreadyinthere,”Isaid.Somethingwasn’taddingup.Hewasalways

smoothandsmugabouthissurprises.“Alex,you’reactingstrange.I’vetoldyouathousandtimes.You

don’thavetolietome.Youcanbehonest.Nothinghurtsworsethanbeingliedto.Ifyou’rehonest,what

doIhavetobemadat?Wearen’tarealcouple,nomatterwhatwefeelforoneanother.Thosewerethe

rules.I’mnotgoingtobeangryatyouforfollowingthem.”

“It’sbecausethere’sasurpriseinthere,Itoldyou,”hesaid.

Itookadeepbreath.“Okaythen.Ididn’twanttousetheotherbathroombecauseit’sSara’s

bathroom.Ididn’twanttodisturbhercrap.Orevenseeit,ifI’mtobecompletelyhonest.Now,canIgo

pee?”

“Ifyouwanttousethatbathroom,thenthat’sfine,babe.I’msorry.It’sbeenalongday.”

“It’sfine,”Isaid,tryingtoreadhisface.“Areyouokay?Ijust…Alex,Ihaveaverystrange

feeling.I’vehaditeversinceSaracamearound.Areyousurethereisnothingyouwanttotellme?”

Henodded.“Yes.Ipromiseyou,thereisnothingformetotell.NothingishappeningwithSara.”

God,Isoundedlikeajealousgirlfriend.Itwasawful.Thesadpartwasthatevenasagirlfriend

Ineveractedlikethat.AllI’dwantedwasagoodbirthday.Itwasn’tarealrelationship,likeI’dsaid

before,butithadbeenwonderfultoreceiveallthoseflowers.ItwasamazingtofeelforadaythatIdid

havethatlevelofloveandtrustwithsomeone.Ithadbeenthebestdayofmylife,notjustthebest

birthday.Iwasruiningitwithmycraziness,butsomethingwasn’tright.

“Okay,”Isaid.“Ibelieveyou.”

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“Iloveyou,Andi.Iknowyoudon’twanttohearthat,butIdo.”

Actually,thatwasn’ttrue.ItwasonlymyhesitationthatmadeitsoIdidn’twanttoknow.In

reality,Ifeltthesame.Icaredsomuchforhim.

“Iloveyou,too,”Isaid,asmilegrowingonmyface.

Screwit,Ithought.

“Youdo?”hesaid,abeautifulsmilespreadingacrosshismouth.“Youdon’tknowwhatthat

meanstome.”

Ileanedforwardandkissedhim.“You’llneverknowwhatitmeansformetosaythat.Ido,

Alex.Iloveyou.I’msorrythatI’vebeencrazy.IgetthiswaywhenIgetthatfeelinginthepitofmy

stomach.Ihopeitgoesawaysoon.Untilthen,I’msorry.Just…Pleasecontinuetohavepatienceand

aboveall,behonest.I’llberightback.I’mgoingtogousethebathroom.Thenwearegoingtoeatand

watchamovie,andthenwearegoingtomaketherestofthisbirthdayspecial.”Ikissedhimagainbefore

flashingasmileathim.

Hereturnedmysmile.“Thatsoundswonderful.”

Imademywayintothebedroom,Alexfollowing.Heopenedhisclosetdoor,andIwentintothe

bathroom.Icheckedmyhairandmakeupinthemirror,butsomethingcaughtmeoffguard.Ilookeddown

toseeabrightpinktoothbrushnexttohis.TheneongreentoothbrushthatIkepttherewasgone.Ilifted

andinspectedit.Itwasn’tnew.Ithadbeenused,sohehadn’treplacedmine.Odd.

Ilookedoverattheshowerandthecurtainwaspulledback.InsideIsawawomen’srazorand

femininesoapsandshampoos–allused.Theyweren’tbrandnew,orI’dhaveassumedhe’dputthemin

thereforme.Myheadwasswimming.Whywouldthosethingsbeinthereinhisbathroomthatwasonly

accessiblethroughhisbedroom?

IopenedthebathroomdoorandsteppedoutjustintimetoseeAlexpullabrightred,lacypairof

pantiesoutfromunderwhatwasnormallymypillow.Ihadlacyunderwear,butnonelikethat.Thosehad

black,silkybowsonthem.Myeyesnarrowed.Thatwaswhyhe’dbeensoprotectiveoverthatsideofthe

bedandwhyhe’drefusedtoallowmeinhisbedroomtousehisbathroom.Hedidn’twantmegetting

nosyandlookingunderthatpillow.Ithadn’tevenoccurredtome,excepttoswapthemjusttoannoyhim,

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asIalwaysdid.I’donlywantedtodomybusinessandthenspendtimewithhim.

“Isthatmysurprise?”Iasked,apparentlystartlinghim.He’dsomehowmissedthesoundofme

openingthedoor.

Hejumped,hiseyeswideonceagain.“Uh…”Hecouldn’tthinkofanythingtosay.

Icrossedtheroomandgrabbedthepantiesoutofhishand.Notonlyweretheynotmine,butthey

hadbeenwornrecently.Inotherwords,theywereobviouslydirtyandunderhispillow.

“Maybeyoudidhavereasontofreakoutovernotwashingthosesheets,yeah?”Isaid.“Someone

elsebeeninthemlately?”

“Iswear,it’snotwhatyouthink.”

Ilaughed.“Youmeantherearen’tlacyunderwearunderyourpillow?Thereisn’tabrightpink

toothbrushintherenexttoyours?Orabunchoffemininehygienestuffinyourshower?”

Hischeekswereturningdeepred.“What?Thereis?Andi,Iswearit.Ihavenoideawhat’s

goingon.Thisdoesn’tmakesense.Ihaven’tdoneanything!”

“Doyouknowwhat’sscrewedup?”Iasked.“Ibelieveyou!Hereisallthisbull…Allofit.All

ofitontopofthatstupidtextmessagethatyousentme,andsomehow,Istillbelieveyou!Thatdoesn’t

meanthatIdon’thaveaproblem.Wehaveaproblem,Alex.Ifyouaren’tscrewingSara,thenshe’strying

toscrewyou.Bothphysicallyandmetaphorically.Somethingisseriouslymessedup.”

“How?Shehasn’tevenbeenhere!God!Iknowyouhatethegirl,buthowcouldshehavedone

thisifsheisn’tevenhere?”

“Hmm.That’saverygoodpoint.See,youtookashoweraftersheleft.Atleast,that’swhatyour

textsclaimedearlier.So,ifthat’strue,youwouldhaveknownallthatstuffwasinthere,whichbringsus

rightbackaroundtoyoumessingaroundwithherbehindmyback.Inevercareduntiltherewerelies.

Now,I’mpositivelypissed.AllIaskedforwashonesty.”

“Therehastobeathirdoption,Andi.I’mnotsleepingwithanyoneelse,andSaraisn’tdoing

this.It’sjustnotpossible!”

RightthenIheardthefrontdooropen.ElizabethandJaxcouldn’tmakeitdown,andIwas

alreadyhere.Thatleftonlyoneotherpersonwithaccesstothehouse.Iturnedandmademywayintothe

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kitchentoseeSarastandingthere.Hereyesnarrowedatmeasadarksmilespreadacrossherface,no

doubtecstaticatseeingtherageonmine.

“Youbitch,”Isaidflatly.

Alexwalkedoutoftheroomatthatmoment,andSara’sexpressiondrasticallychanged.

“What?”sheasked.“Whywouldyoucallmethat?Ihaven’tdoneanythingtoyou!”

Ilaughed.Itwasdark,angry.IwasnevermoreconvincedthanIwasatthatmomentthatshewas

deliberatelytryingtosabotageeverything.Ihadnoideaifshewasactuallysleepingwithhim,orifshe

wasjusttryingtosleepwithhim.Onewayoranother,thebitchhadtogo.Shewaspoison.

“Really?Youhaven’tdoneanything?Likeputthelacyunderwearunderhispillow,soI’dfind

them?Orallthetoiletriesinhisshower?”

“Andi!”Alexscolded.“Itoldyou,she’sbeengoneallday.Shecouldn’thavedonethis.Idon’t

knowwhat’shappening,butI’llfigureitout.Maybeit’sKeith.He’soutofjail.Maybehefoundoutwhere

sheis.”

“Areyouthatgullible?”Iasked.Iwassickofbeatingaroundthebush,andbeinginherpresence

waslikelightingmeoffire.Iwasragingangry.“I’msorrytobesoblunt,butareyou?Jesus,man!Wake

up!She’stryingtogetridofmesoshecanhaveyoutoherself!Whoelsewouldpossiblybeabletodo

this?Noone!That’swho!IfKeithfoundherhere,itwasbecauseshetoldhimwheretofindher!Which

bringsevenmoreissuesyourway.”

“Andi,”Sarasaid,hervoicesoinnocent.Shewasover-actingandpoorAlexwastooblindto

seepastit.“Please,calmdown.IwasatschoolalldayandthenIwenttomyfriend’shouse,likeAlex

askedmeto.Ijustforgotacoupleofthings.Ihadtocomebackformycharger.Shehasanandroid,andI

haveaniPhone,soIcouldn’tchargemyphoneoverthere.”

“AniPhone?”Iasked.“LasttimeIsawyou,youwereusingalittlepieceofcrapfour-year-old

android.”

Abeamingsmilespreadacrossherface.Iwantedtoslapitrightthehelloff.

“Oh!Alexboughtitforme.Hesaidthathedidn’twantmestrandedanywhereandnotbeableto

contacthim.Itwasreallyverysweet.”

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Myjawdropped.Ilookedinhisdirectionandhiseyeswerefocusedonthefloor.

“That’strue,Itakeit?”Iasked.

Henodded.“Yes.”HedamnwellknewwhatIwasthinkingandhadthegoodsensenottosaya

word.

I’dlearnedtoreadpeopleovertheyears.Itjustcomeswiththeterritoryofnottrustingothers,

butstillbeingcordialandkeepingtherestbehindlockeddoors.Youlearnfacialexpressions.True

irritationwhileapersonistryingtoremaincivil,likeasmilethatdoesn’tquitereachthecornersofthe

eyesortheflaringofthenostrils.Orshock.Theeyesonlywidensofarifit’sfake.Therearejustafew

thingsyoupickup.

WhenIlookedatAlex,heseemedgenuinelyconfused.Maybemyfeelingsforhimwereclouding

myjudgment.Itwaspossible.ItwassoveryrealandverypossiblethatIcaredtoomuchtoseewhatwas

rightinfrontofme,makingmejustasgulliblewithhimandhewaswithher,butstill…Itrustedhim.He

wasn’tregisteringonmyguiltyradar.Sara,however…Oooh,Sara.Shewasaconniving,worthlesspiece

oftrash,andAlexwaschoosingthewrongperson.Shewouldonlybringhimmorepain.Thatwasit.I

couldn’thandleanymore.Icouldn’twatchhimcaughtinthemiddleanddefendher.

“That’sit!”Ishouted.“I’vehadenough.Alex–youneedtogetherlyingassoutofthishouse

andawayfromyou,orI’llneverspeaktoyouagain.She’slying.She’slyingabouteverything,andI’ll

proveit.JustknowthatifIhavetodothismyself,youwon’thaveanythingelsetodowithme.Ican’t

believethis.ItoldyouthatIlo…Itoldyou…Justlikealways,itmeansnothing.”

Onceagain,Icouldn’tbringmyselftofinishthesentence.Theverysentencethathadcomeso

easilyearlier.Twice,even.I’dmeanteverywordthen,butatthatmoment,Ididn’ttrusthim.Eitherhe

washavingsexwithherandlyingaboutit,orshewastryingtosabotagetherelationship.Itwashardto

say,buttheywerebothatfault.Herforbeingaconnivingbitchandhimfortrustingheroverme.Itbaffled

methathecouldstillbelievetherewasanotheroption.Keith.Ha!Itwasimpossible.Lyingandsleeping

withanothergirl…Ortheothergirlwastryingtoweaselherwaybetweenus.Thatwasall.Thatwasall

forme,too.

Iwenttohisroom,grabbedmyshoes,socks,andjeansandstormedoutofthehousewithout

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puttinganyofiton.I’dhadallIcouldtake.Icouldn’tlookatheranymore,orI’denduppunchingherin

thethroat.AtleastthenIknewthatmystomachhadn’tbeenwrong.Notabouther,notabouttheweird

behaviorthatAlexwasdisplaying.

Nomatterwhat,theonethingintheworldthatIcouldalwayscountonwasmygut.Ijustwished

thatwasn’tthecaserightthen.Morethananything,Iwishedthatmystomachhadbeenwrong.Thatnone

ofitwasreal.Astearsrolleddownmycheeks,IslammedthegearshiftinreverseasImentallykicked

myselfforstartinganythingatallwithAlex.

Justfriends…Lies.Neitherofuswerecapableofbeingjustfriends.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.

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ChapterEleven

I’drequestedthedayaftermybirthdayoffbecauseI’dexpectedtobeupallnightcelebrating.

Well,thatcertainlyhadn’tbeentrue,butIdidstayupallnightgettingwastedandworkingon

bridesmaids’dresses.Ihopedtheydidn’tlooklikecrapandthatIdidn’twasteatonofmaterial.That

wouldhavebeenareallygreatwaytokickofftheday.Iwasexhausted.Isleptinmostofit,thanking

myselfforhavinghadenoughforesighttorequestoff.

WhenIgotup,thereweren’tanymessagesonmyphone.Iwaskindofsurprised.Iimagined

therewouldbeseveralfromAlex,buttherewasn’t.Notasingleone.IwonderedifI’dbeentooharsh.I

didtellhimI’dneverspeaktohimagainifhedidn’tdowhatI’dasked.Thatwaskindofawful.Icouldn’t

believethewordshadactuallyleftmylips.Ifeltterrible,butIalsofeltstrongaboutit.Somethingwas

goingon,andIcouldn’tbackdown.Ihadtodemandrespect,orI’dneverbeshownany.

IsentAlexatextandtoldhimthatIwantedtotalktohim.Mystomachgrowled,nodoubtangry

thatitwasnearlynoonandIstillhadn’thadanythingforbreakfast.Ididmymorningroutineandthen

mademywayintothekitchenforsomefood.Myeyeswanderedtothefrontdoor,catchingsomethingoff

aboutmykeys.

MyeyesneverleftmykeysasImovedtostandinfrontofthem.Hmm.Therewerefivekey

hooks,andIalwayshungmykeysonthecenterone.OCD.Icouldn’thelpit.Instead,theywereontheone

justtotheleft.Notsomethingthenormalpersonwouldnotice,hell,onmostdaysImaynothaveeither,

butIdid.Therewasn’tmuchIwasOCDabout.Dishesinthecabinet,howtowelswerefolded,and

symmetrywhenhangingkeys.Itwasweird.Ifthereweretwosetsofkeys,theygothungonthetwo

outsidehooks.

Ipickedupthekeysandexaminedthem.Therewasonemissing.Alex’s.AsIinspectedthem,I

noticedafewclumpsofdriedmudonmyhardwoodfloor.Myheartbegantopickupabit.Therewasno

doubtthatsomeonehadbeeninmyhousewhileIwasasleep.Theyhadn’tbrokenin,though.Thedeadbolt

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wasunlocked.Thatneededakey.

Sara.Ithadtobe.ShecouldhavestolenAlex’skeytomyhouseandletherselfin.

Bitch!

IpickedupmyphoneandcalledAlex.Hedidn’tanswer.Boy,wasIshocked–notreally.

Forgettingallaboutbreakfast,Igrabbedmytampered-withkeys,lockedmydoorbehindme,andranto

mycar.Ineededtotalktohimimmediately.Onlytherewasaslightproblem…Orabigone,actually.

Mytireswereflat.Every.Last.One.

“Shit!”

Irarelycussedanymore,buttheslewofcursewordsI’dbeenusinginthelastcoupleofdays

wascertainlyimpressive.Ibeganpanicking.Iinhaleddeeplyandthenexhaled.Inhaleddeeply,then

exhaled.Overandover,tryingtocalmmyself.MyhandsshookasItookthephoneoutofmypocket.I

didn’tevenbotherwithElizabeth.IcalledJax.

“Hey,sis,”hesaid.Itdidn’tmattertohimthatweweren’tactuallyfamily.Iwasstillhissis.I

lovedit.Hedidn’talwayscallmethat,butIloveditwhenhedid.Itwassweet.

“Hey,bub.Uh…Ihavesomequestionsforyou,andIneedbrutalhonesty.”

“Absolutely,”hesaid.“What’swrong?Yousoundanxious.”

“Iam.IneedtoknoweverythingthereistoknowaboutSara.Alex’sex-girlfriend,Sara.Isshea

psycho?He’sundertheimpressionshe’sagreatperson,thoughshehadsomeproblems.Heswearsshe’s

damnnearflawless,butmisunderstood.”

“Jesus.Whyareyouaskingabouther?Isshesniffingaround?”

“Well,uh,she’skindoflivingwithhim.”

TherewasaveryloudstringofcursewordspouringoutofJax’smouth.Itwasobviousatthat

pointthatAlexhadn’tbeentalkingtohistwinbrother.

“Itakeitthat’sbad,”Isaid.

“Alexneverlistenedtome.Whentheyweredating,sheconstantlytriedtopushmeout.Alexisa

greatman,youknowthis,buthe’sfuckinggullible.Hehasadamselindistresscomplexorsomething.”

“Yes!”Isaid.“Hewasoutonacallandtheyendedupatherapartment.She’dhadthehell

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beatenoutofherbyherboyfriend.Hetookherintohelpher.Hesaidshe’sincollegeandworkingfrom

homeandallkindsofstuff.”

Helaughedhardandloud.“Right!AndI’mafuckingrocketscientist.IsupposeIamin

comparisontomydim,butsweetbrother.God…blessitall.Thatwomanisnotinschool.Ihighlydoubt

she’sworkingfromhomeeither.Notunlessit’sillegal.Sheprobablyhashishousefullofdrugsrightnow.

Otherthantheobvious,whydidyoucalltoaskabouther?Yousoundanxious.Hassomethinghappened?”

Tearsstartedrollingdownmyface.NotonlywasIworriedformyself,IwasworriedforAlex.

Hewasactuallylivingwiththecrazyass.ItoldJaxaboutthestrangetextfromAlex’sphoneandthenthe

nightbefore.JaxwasfuriousabouteverythingI’dseenandhowAlexhadjustblownitoff.Accordingto

Jax,Ihadn’toverreacted.Infact,hesaidthatIdidn’treactenough.

WebothagreedthatAlexwasn’ttryingtohurtme,butthathewascertainlybeingcareless

becausehecan’ttellwhenhe’sbeingliedto.

“I’mstandingatmycarrightnow,”Isaid.“Thebitchbrokeintomyhouse,stoleAlex’skeyoff

mykeyring,andslashedmytires.Ithoughttheywerejustflattened,butI’vebeenlookingthemoverwhile

we’vebeenonthephone,andshedefinitelyslashedthem.Idon’tbelievethis.WhatamIgoingtodo?

She’sbeeninmyhouse?”

“Didyouhaveanythingimportantinyourcar?”Jaxasked.

“Idon’tthinkso,”Isaid.

Iheardhimsighheavily.“Justgetinandlookaround.Popthehoodandmakesureyou’renot

missinganythingimportant.YouneedtogotoAlexandtellhimwhat’shappened.Thiscan’tbeignored.

Surely,hewillseethis.Imean,it’sobviouswhat’shappening.”

“Onewouldthink,”Isaid.“Jax,Idon’tknowifhe’sgoingtoseethisornot.Thisisbad.”

WetalkedforafewmoremomentswhileIlookedthroughmycarandunderthehood.Nothing

elseseemedtobeamiss,butthatwasn’tsayingmuch.Ididn’tknowalotaboutvehicles.Imadeamental

notetolearnintheoff-chanceIevercameacrossanotherloonytoonthatdecidedtomesswithmycar.

JaxandIendedthecall,andIattemptedtocallAlexagain.ItwasstartingtoworrymethatI

couldn’tgetaholdofhim,andIcouldn’tleave.Hadshedonesomething?Didsheplantomakeamove?

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Orplantohurthim?

MyphonedingedandIlookedtoseethatitwasfromAlex.Itsaidthathedidn’twanttotalk.He

didn’twantcompany.Isentoneback,forgivemeifIdon’tbelievethisisactuallyyou.

Withinmomentsmyphonerang.“Hello.”

It’sme,okay?Ijusthavealottothinkabout.Idon’tunderstandwhat’sgoingon.Idon’tfeel

likevisitors,andIdon’tfeelliketalking.”

“Meneither,Alex,butthereisalothappening.Someonebrokeintomyhouselastnightand

removedyourkeyfrommykeyring.Mytiresareslashed,too!”

Didyoucallthepolice?”heasked,hisvoiceabitmoreanimated.Icouldheartheconcern.

Good.Atleasttherewasthat.

“I’mreportingittothepolicerightnow!I’mtalkingtoacop!Please,getyourassoverhere.

Something’sgoingon.Sara…”

“Please,no.Nottoday.Idon’thaveitinmetofightoverthiswholeyouandSarathing.”

Angersurgedthroughme.“Fine!Butthatbitchisgoingtoendupkillingoneorbothofus.I’m

tellingyou…She’snotright!”

Withthat,Ihungup.Therewasn’tanythingelsethatIcoulddo.Iwentbackinsideandsearched

thehouse.Ineededtoknowifanythingelsewasmissing.Thekey.Thatwasit.Itwasn’tmotivatedby

theftoranythingelse.Itwaspersonal.Therewasnootherreason.

Lateronintheday,acopshowedup,butitwasn’ttheoneI’dhopedtosee.ItwasShawn.I’d

methimacoupleoftimes,andheseemedlikeaprettygoodguy.Heandadetectivecamethroughand

tookfingerprints,thoughweallimagineditwouldn’tdomuchgoodsinceI’dalreadytouchedeverything.

Still,itwasworthashot.

Whentheyleft,Shawn’sfriendSamshowedupwithhisflatbedtowtruckandloadedmycarup.

Hedrovemeintotown,soIcouldreplacethetiresonmycar.SomethingIdidn’thavethemoneyfor.

Whatamess.Myheartached.I’dtoldAlexthatIlovedhim,butIhadn’tgottenachancetoactonthat.

Whatwouldhavehappenedifwehadn’tfought?I’dconsideredtellinghimtoforgetthewholebeneficial

friendthing.ThatIwantedtobewithhimforreal,buttheneverythinghappened.Maybeitwasasign?

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WasIstillnotready?OrwasIsimplyjustifyingmyphobiaofbeinginarealrelationshipbyusing

fictitious“signs”asawaytomakemefeelbetter?

IspentthebetterpartofthedaythinkingaboutitonceI’dgottenhome.Ineverate.Ijusttook

napsintermittently.ItwaskindofdepressinghowmuchI’dsleptthatday,butIknewitwasbecauseofthe

emotionalstressIwasdealingwith.Thatwasthenumberonesignofsadnessanddepression.

Oversleeping.

Aroundeightthatnight,ItextedAlexagain.Imoreorlesspleadedwithhimtotalktome.

Alex,weREALLYneedtotalk.Please,justhearmeout.ItalkedtoJax

today.Youcancometomyhouse,orIcancometoyou.Ireallydon’t

care,butthisneedsfiguredout.I’mtryingtohelpyou.Regardlessofmy

ownfeelings,I’mworriedaboutyou.I’mscaredsomethingbadwill

happen.Ifyoucangivemefifteenminutes,IcanexplainexactlywhyI

feelthatway.

Iwassurprisedtoreceiveatextback.Itwasalmostimmediate,actually.Iwasnotshockedto

seethathestilldidnotwantvisitors.

Nottonight.I’mabouttogetintheshowerandprobablygotobedearly.

I’vehadaterribleday,andIdon’twanttoseeyou.Atall.Pleasejust

stayaway.

Ouch…Myheart.Butwasithim?ShouldIaskhimtocallmeashe’ddoneearlier?

Gah!ItwassostupidthatIevenhadtoworryifsomeoneelsewastextingmefromhisphone!

Whatifhewasdeadinaditchsomewhere?Whatifshe’ddonesomethingtohim?WhywasIeven

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freakingoutaboutit?Thelasttimehe’dtextedmethathedidn’twanttotalkitwashim.Hecalledmeto

proveit,butthemostrecenttextwasquiteabitharsher.Itdidn’tseemlikehimatall.

Isighed.Therewasadecisiontomake.Beaderangedstalker-likeperson?Driveoverthereand

risklookingjustasloonyasSaralookstome?Orstayhome…terrifiedthatshe’suptosomething?I

hatedthis.Ihatedallofit.

Isighedagain.Icouldn’tletitgo.Somethingwasscreamingatme.Withoutanotherthought,I

grabbedmy9mmSigSauer2022frommyclosetandplaceditinmyshoulderholsterbeforeputtingonmy

jacket.Ithiditwell,butitstillleftiteasyaccess.IfeltlikeI’dgonecompletelymad.Iwenttomycar

anddroveovertoAlex’s.Ifeltlikethrowingup.Atleastoncethatdayhe’dtoldmethathedidn’twantto

talktome.Itwasverypossiblethathe’dtoldmethatasecond,butIwasn’tsureaboutthat.

JaxcalledtocheckonmeandItoldhimthatIwasgoingoverthere.ItoldhimaboutAlex

dodgingmeearlierthatdayandthatI’dactuallytalkedtohim.Then,Itoldhimaboutthesecondtextthat

I’dgotten.Theonethatdidn’tquitesoundlikehim.

“Becareful,”Jaxinstructed.“Somethingisn’tright.Allthisseemstobehappeningveryfast.”

IremindedhimthatthingsweregoingrelativelyokayuntilIstartedpressingthematterwith

Sara.That’swheneverythingstartedgettingkindofwild.

Thedrivewasablur.Thoughtsandworriesfloodedmymind.WhatifIwaswrong?WhatifI

wasright?Whatifshe’dbeenpushedtoofarandthat’swhatpromptedhertotakemykey?Therewereso

manyvariables.

WhenIarrived,thesunhadalreadyset.Alex’scarwasstillinthedrive.Thatwasagoodsign.I

tookadeepbreathandmademywayuptothedoor.TherewasaslighthesitationinmywilljustbeforeI

pushedthroughtoactuallyknock.IpromisedmyselfthatIwouldkeepmyangerundercontrol.Ididn’t

needtoangerherfurther.IinhaleddeeplyasIheardfootstepsapproachingthedoor.

Saraopenedthedoor.Shewasstandingthere,herfacelightingupassoonasshemadeeye

contactwithme.Itdidn’ttakemuchformetoseethatshewasn’twearinganythingasidefromat-shirt.A

veryfamiliart-shirt.OnethatI’dboughtforAlex.Theragebubbledupinmythroatlikebile.Ittook

everythingthatIhadtoswallowitdown,butIdidit.Forhim.Becauseifhewasinnocent–then

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somethingverywrongwashappening.

“Hi,Sara,”Isaid,puttingforthmybestfakesmile.Iactedforaliving.Ilovedmyjob,butthose

impossiblepatients,itwashard.Onthosedays,youwereliterallypaidtoactlikeitwasthebestdayof

yourlife.

“Hi,Andi,”shesaid,hervoicecondescending.

Shewasleaningagainstthedoorthen,onebarelegcrossedinfrontoftheother.Shewasdoing

herbesttomakemenotice.Togetariseoutofme.Itwasn’tgoingtowork.Mygutwasrollingendover

end.Ifeltlikevomiting.Alexwouldneverstandforthat.Ijustknewit.

“IsAlexokay?”Iasked.“Ioverreactedabitlastnight.Iwantedtoapologizetobothofyou.

Mostlyhim,ofcourse.I’veputhimthroughalotlately.Ijustwantedtomakesurethathewasalright.”

“Oh,he’sfiiine,”shesaid,reallydrawingthewordout.

God,letmedoit.Justletmehitheronce.IpromiseI’llbeagoodgirlafter.

“He’ssleepingrightnow.Hejust,uh,gotoutoftheshowernottoolongago.”Asshespoke,she

madeapointtorunherfingersthroughhairthatInownoticedwaswet.Wassheinsinuatingthatthey’d

showeredtogether?

“That’sfine,”Isaid.“IjustwantedtotellhimthatI’msorry,andthenI’llbeoutofeveryone’s

hair.”

Iswallowed,barelykeepingmyselfundercontrol.Shegiggledalittleandsteppedback,letting

meinside.Mybodywantedtoshake,butIremindedmyselfthatIhadagunsafelytuckedawayonmy

rightside,justundermyarm.

Istudiedeverythingwithoutstaringanythingdown.Ineededtotakenoticeofanyitemoutof

place.ThefirstthingthatIsawwasAlex’sphonesittingonthecounter.Strange.Heneverwenttobed

withoutitbecauseofthepotentialforworkcalling.

“Uh,he’snotinhere,”shesnapped.“Isaidhe’sinbed.He’spassedout.Idoubtyou’llgethim

up.Hehadabittoomuchtodrink.”

Toomuchtodrink,eh?Thatalsoseemedverystrange.Alexdrankoften,butneverenoughto

“passout”asshe’dsuggested.Insteadofgivingmyselfaway,Igaveahalf-smileandacurtnodbefore

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walkingintohisbedroom.

Alexwaspassedouthardonthebed.Hedidn’tevenhearmeapproach.Alexwasalwayswell

awareofhissurroundings,eveninthedeadofsleep.He’dhavewokenwhenIknocked.Notonlythat,but

hewasonhisback,hisbodylikeastarfishalloverthebed.Hecouldn’tsleeponhisback.Hissideor

stomach,yes,butneverhisback.ItwaswhyIcouldn’tlieonhischestforlongperiodsoftimewhile

goingintosleep-mode.Wealwayshadtorolltooursidessohecouldholdme.

“Alex,”Isaid,myvoiceawhisperatfirst.

Nothing.Myheartbegantospeedupasworrybegantosetin.

“See,”shesaidfromthedoor.“Iworehimout.He’sexhausted.Hetoldyouearlierthathedidn’t

wanttoseeyou.”

“Iknow,”Isaid,barelykeepingtheacidoutofmyvoice.Shewasinsinuatingthatthey’dhadsex

andshewasthecauseofhimbeingknockedoutsohard.Ihatedher.“Ijustwantedtotellhimmyself.”

Isatdownonthebed,pretendingtograbholdofhishand,butIgrabbedhiswrist.Icouldn’t

properlytimeitwithoutbeingobvious,buthisheartratewasrightaroundsixty.Hewasveryfit,butI

knewtherhythmofhisheart.I’dfallenasleeptothesoundofitmanytimes.Thiswastooslow.He’dbeen

drugged.Iknewit.

Myeyeswanderedovertohisnightstandtoseeabottleofbeersittingthere.Yetagain,Alex

nevertookbeertobedwithhim.Therewasn’tasinglethingthatmadesenseaboutthesituation.Ihadto

gethelp.Ihadtogetevidence.Whatifhehadbeensoupsetthathedrankhimselfintoacoma?Whatif

theyreallydidhavesex?Whatifanyofthosethings?IfIcalledthecopsoranambulance,I’dbescrewed

ifIwaswrong.

Thenagain…IfIdidn’tpursueit,andthatwaswrong…Alexcoulddie.Ihadtobesmart.

“Alex,”Isaid.“Iknowyou’reasleep,butIjustwantedtotellyouthatI’msorry.Ihopeyou’ll

forgiveme.Wewerebestasfriends.Ithinkwebothknowthatnow.Goodnight.Sleepwell.”

Istoodthen,puttingmybacktothenightstand.

“I’mgladyousawthat,”Sarasaid.

Bitch.“Me,too,”Isaid,slowlypickingthebeerbottleupbytheneckandholdingitbehindmy

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back.“Itwasnevergoingtoworkanyway.Thisistherightdecision.”

Shenodded.“Thankyouforseeingthat.I’lltellhimthatyoucameby.I’msurehewillwantto

know.Hewillbehappytoknowthatyou’removingonpeacefully.”

Ismiled.“Thankyou.Iappreciatethat.”

Ibeganwalkingacrosstheroom,prayingthatshedidn’tnoticethemissingbottle,orthatIwas

holdingsomethingbehindme.Ihopedthatshewasasdumbassheseemed.AsImademywaypasther,I

pulledthebottlearoundtothefrontofmeandmovedstraightforthedoor.Iwasverycarefulnottotouch

thebottleanywhereotherthantheneck.

AsImademywaydowntheporchsteps,Saracalledoutonelastbitof“positivity”inmy

direction.

“Thanksfornotbeingasoreloser!”shesaidbeforeslammingthedoor.

Iwantedtoscream,butIdidn’thavetime.Igotinthecarandputthebeerbottlebetweenthe

seatsinthecupholder,prayingIdidn’tgetpulledover.OnceIpulledoutontheroad,havingdoneso

slowlyastonotraisesuspicion,IcalledShawnJackson.Ineededhishelp.

“Jackson,”hesaid.

“ThisisAndi,Alex’sfriend.Youcametomyhouseearliertoday,”Isaid.

“Yes!Hi.Howareyou?Iseverythingalright?”

“Ineedyoutolistentome,”Isaid.“Somethingstrangeishappening.Ididn’tcall911becauseI

havenoideaifhereallyisjustdrunkandpassedout,orifit’sworse,butsomethingisn’tright.You’rethe

onlyonethathetruststhere.Hesayseveryoneelsehazeshimandtreatshimlikeshit,butyoushow

respectforhim.”

Theseriousnessinhisvoicethenwasabsolute.“What’sgoingon?Tellmeeverything.”

“Idon’thavetimetotellyouthebackstory.Justmeetmeatthehospital.I’mtravelingwithan

openbeerbottlebetweenmyseatsbecauseI’mprettysureit’sbeenruphied.”

“I’mgettinginmycar,now.Talk.”

“Thatgirlthatyouguyssavedfromtheabusiveboyfriend.Alexusedtodateher.Hetookherin

andweirdthingshavebeenhappening.I’vebeenbegginghimtogetridofherbecauseI’vebeenfinding

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hertoiletriesinhisbathroomandherpantiesinhisbed.Iknow…Iknow.Believeme.Iknowhowthat

sounds,butthat’snotlikehim.Evenhistwinbrotherisconcerned.Alexjustisn’tthatguy.He’snot.I

confrontedthembothlastnightandtodaysomeonebreaksintomyhouseandstealshiskeyoffmykeyring.

That’sit.Nothingelse.Thenmytiresareslashed.Itwasher.Iknowitwas.

“AlldayI’vebeensick.Mystomachhasbeeneatingmealivewithworry.I’dhadenoughandI

wenttoseehim,buthewaspassedoutcompletely.Hedidn’tevenregisterthatIhadknockedonthedoor

andthefrontdoorismerefeetfromhisbedroomdoor,whichwasopen.There’snowayhewouldn’thave

heardme.Icheckedhispulseanditwasfartoolow.Ithinkhe’sbeenruphied.Ididn’tcall911because

if,anditisabigifbecauseIdamnwellknowthatI’mnot,butifI’mwrong,andhe’sjustpassedout,then

I’dhavecalledanambulanceandeverythingfornothing.I’dembarrasseveryoneinvolvedallbecauseI

wasjealousofanex-girlfriend.”

“Butifyou’reright,andhe’sbeendrugged…”

“Exactly.That’swhyI’mcallingyou.I’mfiveminutesfromthehospital.Comeintherewithme.

Youcanwatchusdothetest.Ifthattestturns,gethimhelp.Sendeveryone.IfI’mrightandshediddrug

him,I’mterrifiedshewilldoworseifsherealizesthatItookthebottle.”

“I’mhere.Ionlylivearoundthecorner.I’llcallJoey,Alex’spartner.I’mgoingtohavehim

driveovertothehouseandparktowaitformyword.Ifyou’reright,Idon’twanttowasteanytime

gettinghimhelp.”

“Thankyou,somuch,”Isaid.“Iknowthatyoudon’tknowmepastwhatyousawofmetoday,so

Iappreciatethis.”

Hereassuredmethateverythingwouldbefine,andwegotoffthephone.Ireceivedatextfroma

strangenumber.IwasterrifiedthatitwasSara,butitturnedouttobeJoey.Shawnhadgivenhimmy

number,andJoeytextedmetoletmeknowthathewasheadedovertoAlex’s.JustasShawnhadsaid,

Joeytoldmethathewouldparkatasafedistancefromthehouseandonlyapproachwhengiventhego

ahead.

Myentirebodywasshaking.Iftherewaseveratimeformyguttofailme,itcertainlywasn’t

then.Isilentlyprayedthateverythingturnedout,evenifitmeantthatIwastheonewithoutmywitsabout

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me.Ijustwantedtoknowthathewassafe.

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ChapterTwelve

ShawnandIstoodinthelab,tappingourfeetaswewaited.AssoonasI’darrived,Shawn

fingerprintedtheentirebottle.Hewantedtogetthemcomparedtothosethattheytookatmyhouseearlier

intheday.Neitheroneofusknewifitwoulddoanygood,butitwasworthashot.Oncehe’dfinished

withthat,wehandeditovertothenewgirlinthelab.Itseemedlikedays,butithadonlybeenafew

minutes.Itdidn’ttakelongbeforethelabtechturned,hereyeswide.ThemomentthatIsawher

expression,Iknew.

“I’veneverseenthelitmusturncolorssofast,”shesaid.“There’snowayformetotellhow

muchisinherebecausesomuchofthebottlewasconsumed,butIcansafelysaythereisalotinhere.

Whoeverthereceiverofthisdrinkwasisindangerofhavinghisorherbreathingstop.I’dsendan

ambulanceimmediately.”

Tearsimmediatelybeganpouringdownmyface.I’dlefthimthere!Iknew,andI’dlefthim.I

wastryingtoplayitsafe,butI’dputhiminmoredanger.Shawngrabbedaholdofme.

“Don’tworry!Everythingisgoingtobeokay.I’mgoingtotakecareofthis.Stayherewhereit’s

safe.I’mgoingtogetallthehelpheneeds.”

AllIcoulddowasnod.Thatwasit.Icouldn’tstopcrying.Uglycrying.Itwashideous.I

soundedlikeakidwhosefirstpuppydied.Ifelltomykneesonthefloorandshakilypulledthephone

frommypocket.Ihadnootheroption.IhadtocallNancy.IfIdidn’t,she’dflatmurdermethenexttime

thatshesawme.IneededtocallJax,too.Theyweresofaraway.Itwasn’tgoingtobeeasyforthemto

gettherefromFortWayne.Itwasasix-hourdrive.

God,pleaselethimbeokay.

~~~

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Bythetimetheambulancegotthere,Ihadalreadychangedintomyscrubsandhadthewhole

teamready.LuckyforAlex,theERwasslowandhadplentyofborednursesstandingaroundwithnothing

bettertodo.

Whentheywheeledhimin,Shawnwasbyhissideasoneparamedicpushedhimandtheother

didCPR.They’dalreadystartedanIVandDoctorZane,thenightshiftERdoc,wasalreadyscreaming

outorders.Alexwasblue.He’dbeencoding.Iwasn’tsureifhishearthadstopped,orifhisbreathing

hadsloweddownenoughthatoxygenwasn’tgettingthroughgoodenough,buthisbeautifulpinklipswere

blue.Icy,deathlyblue.

Iveryquicklyfoundmyselfbeingpushedoutofthewayaseveryoneelseworkedonhim.Shawn

wrappedhisarmsaroundmetoholdmeback.Ihadn’trealizedit,butIwasfightingtogetupthereto

Alex.IwasscreamingatShawn,butIcouldn’trememberanythingthatIsaid.OnlythatIscreamedfor

himtogetoffme.

Atinyvoicecutthroughtheair,andIlookedovertoseeNancystandinginthedoorway,hereyes

wide,tearsfallingdownhercheeksasshestaredathercodingson.I’ddonethat.I’dletmyfearof

hurtingAlexgetinthewayofdoingwhatIknewneededtobedoneandnowtherehewas.Half-deadona

gurney.

Nancygrabbedholdofmyarm,andIstilled.Shawnloosenedhisgriponmeabitandhelpedme

walkoutsideoftheroom,Nancyneverbreakingcontact.

“Youhavetoletthemwork,”Nancysaid,hervoicebarelysteady.

Howcouldshedoit?Howcouldshestaysostrong?Thatwasherson!

“Ihavetohelpthem!Whatifsomethinggoeswrong?”Icriedout.

Iwassoloud.Iwasthepatientfamilymemberthateveryonehastoworryabout.Iwastheone

thatthey’dhavetothreaten.Iwastheonethey’dhavetobegtocalmdown,orI’dhavetoleave.I

couldn’tcontrolmyselformyvolume.

“No,”Nancysaid.“You’vedoneenough.Yougothimhelp.”

Ishookmyhead,moretearsstreamingdownmyface.“Ikilledhim.Iletthatbitchgetawaywith

it!Iknewshewasdangerous.Itriedtotellhim,buthewouldn’tlisten.IfI’donlystooduptohiminstead

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ofbeingterrifiedofpushinghimawayorhurtinghisfeelings,hewouldn’tbehere.”

“Youcan’tblameyourselfforthat,”Shawnsaid.“Alexmadehisownchoices.Youdidtheright

thing.”

“Whathappened?”Iasked.I’dbeensoworriedabouthimthatI’dforgottentoaskwhat

happened.“Didyougether?”

Shawnsighed.“No.Shewaslonggonebythetimewegotthere.”

“Shemusthaveseenthatthebottlewasmissing,”Isaid.“Damnit!”

Shawnnodded.“That’swhatwethink,too.Butdon’tworry.Wewillgether.Shewentafterone

ofus.Shewillpayforthis.”

“He’sback!”IheardDoctorZanecallout.

Myeyesdartedintheirdirection.Alexwasverystillonthetable,butIcouldhearthesteady

beepingofhisheartonthemonitor.He’dalsobeenintubated.Isighedinreliefbeforefallingtomyknees.

Ifeltsoweak.Theweightliftedoffme.Hewasokay.Hewasokayforthemoment.

Shawnliftedmeoffthefloorandcarriedmebridalstyletolaymeononeofthebeds.

“Youneedtorelaxhereuntilyouregainyourself.You’reweak,andIdon’twantyoutopassout

andhurtyourself,”hesaid.

“I’mthenurse,”Isaid,myvoiceweak.“I’mtheonethat’ssupposedtotakecareofeveryone

else.”

“He’sright,”Nancysaid.“You’renotgoinganywhere.I’mgoingtomakesureofthat.Whenthey

movehimtoICU,wewillgoupthere.”

Inodded,moregratefulthaneverthatIhadherbymyside.Wespentthenextfewhourstalking

aboutAlexandwhathadhappenedbetweenus.Iwascompletelyhonestandansweredallofher

questions.Aboutme.Aboutourweirdrelationship.Howwe’dfallenforoneanother,orrather,howI’d

realizedhowmuchI’dcaredforhim.ThenSara.Itoldhereverything.

Atonepoint,webothfellasleepinAlex’sroomlisteningtothesoundsofhisheartonthe

monitor.DoctorZanesaidthathewouldbefine,butitwouldbeafewhoursyetbeforehecamearound

formorethanafewminutesatatime.He’dtestedpositiveforalotofthedrugRohypnol,thoughwehad

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noideawhereshe’dhavegottenit.

JoeywasoutwithafewotherssearchingforSara.Theyweren’tveryhappy.Hazingornot,Alex

wasoneofthem,andtheyweren’ttobemessedwith.

“Andi.”Afemininevoicewhisperedmyname,promptingmetoopenmyeyes.

“Hmm?”Isaid,attemptingtocomearound.

“Hey,”Elizabethsaid.“Howareyoudoing?”

“Oh!”Nancysaid,wakingupoutofadeepsleeptojumpupandwrapherarmsaroundElizabeth

andJax.“I’msogladyou’rehere.”

Nancykissedthemboth.

“Where’sHunter?”Iasked.

“DesireeandAidenhavehim,”Elizabethsaid.“Thiswastooimportant.Weneededtomake

sureAlexwasgoingtobeokayandtocheckonyou.”

“I’mfine,”Isaid.“Justshaken.Theystillhaven’tfoundSara,yet.”

“Theywill,”Jaxsaid.“Givethemtime.”

Moaningcouldbeheardcomingfromtheothersideoftheroom.Alexwasbeginningtostir.I

rushedtohisside,grabbingholdofhishand.

“Alex,”Isaid.“You’reinthehospital.Youweredrugged.”

Hesighedheavily,hisentirebodygoinglimpinexasperation.“ItwasSara.Ithoughtthebeer

tastedstrange,butIletitgo.Andi…”

“Don’t,”Isaid,kissinghishand.“Don’tworryaboutthatnow.”

“I’mjustsosorry,”Alexsaid.“Ishouldhavelistened.Idon’tremembermuch.Ijustremember

hertalkingabouthowsheandIweremeanttobetogether.I’dsavedher,anditwasasignthatwewere

supposedtobetogether.Irememberhearingyourvoice,butIthoughtitwasadream.”

“No.Iwasthere.I’dcometocheckonyou.Iwassoscaredthatsomethingbadhadhappened.

So,Istoleyourbeerbottle,calledShawntohavehimmeetmehereatthehospital,andwhenittested

positive,Shawnsentthecavalryafteryou.”

“DearGod,”hesaid,hisvoicebarelyawhisper.“WhatamessI’vemade.Iamsosorry.I’m

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alsosorrybecauseIdon’tthinkIcankeepmyeyesopenanylonger,andImorethanlikelywon’t

rememberanythingthatyoujustsaid.”

Ikissedhisforehead,andbythetimeIpulledback,hewassleepingagain.Shawnwalkedin

then,agrimlookonhisface.

“How’shedoing?”heasked.

“He’sawakeandtalking,”Jaxsaid,allowingmeamomenttoclearmytears.“Well,he’sback

outnow,itseems.Buthe’llbefine.”

Shawnsighedandnodded.“Good.I’mgladtohearthat.Uh…Idon’texactlyknowhowtosay

this.It’sstrangewhenyou’reclosertothepeopleyou’retalkingtothancompletestrangers.”

“Whatisit?”Iasked,worryfillingmeagain.“What’shappenednow?”

“WefoundSara,”hestarted.“Therewasacallaboutahousefire.”

Myeyeswidened,myjawdropping.“No.”

“Theaddresssoundedfamiliar,soItookthecall.I’mverysorry,Andi.”

I’dcriedsomuchthatIwasn’tsureIhadanymoretearsleft.Whentheshockworeoff,I

imaginedthatIwoulddrowninthem.

“Howmuchdamagewasthere?”Iasked.

Shawn’slipspressedtogetherinthethinlineashiseyeslookedtothefloor.

“It’sgone.There’snothingleft.Includingher.”

“Wait.What?”Elizabethasked.“Sara’sgone?Asinshedied?”

“Wehaven’tidentifiedthebody,yet,”Shawnsaid.“Therewasabodyinside.Coronersaidit

wasfemale.Itseemedlikeshe’dbrokeninandwassettingtheplaceonfirefrominside,butittookoff

tooquickly.Shewastrappedinside.”

Icouldn’tspeak.Icouldn’trespond.How…Just…How?

“Thankyou,”Isaid.Ididn’tevenrecognizemyownvoice.Toomuchhadhappenedinsucha

shorttime.“Thankyoufortellingme.”

“Andi.”Jaxsteppedforward,wrappingmeinhisarms.

Ah…Theretheywere.Thetears.AssoonasIfeltthewarmthofhisbodyenvelopme,Ibegan

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soakinghisshirtwiththem.

“I’msosorry,”Elizabethsaid.

Oh,God.Elizabeth!Thedresses!

“Thedresses!Elizabeth,thedresseswereinthehouse,”Isaid.

Sheshushedmeassheranherhandbackandforthacrossmyback.“Don’tworryaboutthe

dresses.Therearefarmorethingstoworryaboutrightnow.Pleasejustfocusonyourself,okay?Weare

family.We’regoingtotakecareofeachother,justlikewealwayshave.”

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ChapterThirteen

Shawnwasn’twrong.Myhousewascompletelygone.Therewasnothingleft.Becauseofmy

diligentcataloguingofeverythinginmyhousethatwasworthanything,myinsurancechecktotaledwell

over$300,000.00.Yes.That’scorrect.Mygrandmotherhadleftmeseveralpiecesofantiquejewelrythat

wasveryexpensive.Iwassadthatitwaslost,becauseofthesentimentalvalue,butIwasgratefulthatit

cushionedthefinancialblow,byalot.Thatcheckpaidwhatwasleftonmyhouse,itboughtallnew

furnishings,andputaveryhealthydownpaymentonanewhome.Itwasactuallynicerthanmylast.

Sara’sbodyhadbeenpositivelyidentified,soAlexandIdidn’thavetoworryaboutherany

longer.ThoughIdidn’tlikethatshehadtodietogetitaccomplished,especiallyinmyhome–while

burningittotheground,Iwashappythatwedidn’thavetofearher.Theworryhadbeentherethateven

aftertheycapturedherthatshewouldgetoutandcomeafteroneorbothofusagain.Icouldn’thandlethat

thought.Itwasterrifying.Untiltheyidentifiedthebody,AlexandIwerebothscareditcouldhappen.

Alexhadonlybeenmonitoredfortwenty-fourhoursbeforebeingreleased.Hehadsome

residualfatigueandhismemorywasspotty,buthewashappytobeout.Westayedtogetherforthefirst

weekinahotelbecauseofourfearuntilwe’dknownSara’sfateforsure.Itwasn’tideal,butgivenwhat

we’dhavetogobacktobystayinginhishouse,allherthingslingeringandcreepingusout,wedidn’t

careatall.

Intheend,Iwasn’ttheonlyonethatmoved.Alexcouldn’tstandthethoughtofbeingbackinhis

houseatall.Notjustthatfirstweek,buteveragain.Minushismajorfurniture,heboughteverythingbrand

new.Ihelped.Icouldn’thelpit.Bythetimemyinsurancecheckcamein,Alexhadfoundaplacetorent

andwebegantheprocessofmovinghimin.

JaxandElizabethstayedintownaswell,thoughJaxwentbackforHunteraftereverything

calmeddownandwekneweveryonewouldbesafe.TheystayedwithNancyandHuntergottotryouthis

newnursery.Thebachelorandbachelorettepartieswerepostponedindefinitely.Itjustdidn’tseemright

tothrowapartywiththedoomlingeringintheair.Instead,wedecidedtohaveonehellofareception

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afterthewedding.

Newscirculatedaroundthehospitalquickly.EveryonetherelovedElizabeth.She’dworked

therewithmeforaverylongtime.Donationsweretakenupwithoutourknowledgeandtheypurchased

brandnewdressesforallthebridesmaids.They’devengottenafloristtodonatesomeflowersforthe

event.Itwasbeautiful.Sometimessmallcommunitieswerebetterthanbiggerones.Familywas

everythingtothem.

“Areyouready?”IaskedElizabeth.

Shewasstunning.Herdresswasabrilliantwhitewithdeeppurpleaccents.Itwasstraplessand

herhairwaswornupwithalotofcurlspinnedeverywhere.Icouldn’tbelievehowbeautifulshewas.

Justlookingatherbroughttearstomyeyes.Everythingshe’dbeenthroughledherthere.Toabsolute

happinesswithawonderfulman.

“Iam,”shereplied,alargesmileonherface.“I’veneverbeensoready.”

ThedooropenedasAlexwalkedin.

“Iseveryoneinhererea…Holysh…”

“Ah!”Isnapped,puttingafingerintheair.“Don’tyoudarecurseonherweddingday.”

“I’msorry!”Alexsaid,hiseyeswideashelookedElizabethover.“Youlookbeautiful.

Heclosedthedoorbehindhimandcrossedtheroom,leaningdowntogivemeakiss.

“I’mgonnagetyouinoneofthoseoneofthesedays.Youknowthat,right?”hesaid,alarge

smileplayingonhislips.

Ishookmyhead.“You’vealreadytalkedmeintoeverythingelse.Isupposethatwouldn’tbetoo

hard.”

Ittookawhileformetogetoverthefactthathe’dsoeasilylackedconfidenceinmewithallthat

happened,buthebustedhisasstomakeituptome.Ididn’taskhimto.Infact,I’dbeggedhimtostop,but

hedidn’t.He’dmakemedinner,ortakemeout.He’dwatchmovieswithme.Hewasn’texactlysurewhat

hadhappenedwithSarawhilehewasdrugged,andhedidn’twanttoknow,buthe’dtakenprecautionsfor

me.Hesaidthathecouldn’ttouchmeuntilheknewhewascleanandhealthy.Itmeantsomuchthathe

cared,eventhoughitwasaweirdsituation.

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Evenaftereverythingcamebackokay,herefusedtotouchme.Hesaidthathewouldspend

everydaymakingthingsuptomeuntilhedeservedme.Everydayhetoldmethathelovedmeatleasta

dozentimesandeverydayItoldhimthatIlovedhim.Finally,afternearlythreeweeks,heacceptedmy

proposal.Myproposaltobearealcouple,thatis.Hewasworthtryingfor.

“I’mgladyouseeitmyway,”Alexsaid.“Liz,sis,it’stime.Wehavetolineupinthehall.”

Aswemadeourwayoutintothechaosofthehalltoseeeveryoneliningupandgettinginto

place,IlookedatAlex,mysweet,loving,gullibleandchivalrousboyfriend,andfelthappy.Ihad

everythingIneededrightthere.Everyoneinmylifeunderoneroof.Itwastemporary,andwewouldgo

ourseparateways,butthatwasthedayeverythingfellintoplace.IbegantotearupasIwalkeddownthe

aislewithAlexonmyarm.Helookedamazinginhissharpblacktux.Atthatmoment,Iimaginedmyself

walkingdowntheaisleagaininthefuture,butwithAlex.I’drealizedlongagothatIdidn’tneedamanto

behappy.Still…Itwasn’ttoobadtohavesomeoneinmylifetobehappywith.

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CoversandSynopsesforfuturebooksdownbelow!

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WrathbyCandyCrum(2/7/17)

TimeofDeathSeriesbook2

Synopsis:

Willisdead...Jayisalive...andIamsomethinginbetween.

Asuccubus.

Somesortofsupernaturalcreaturethatsurvivesbydrainingthelifeenergyoutofhumansthroughsex.

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Withhishelp,IwillbeabletokeepmypromisetoJay.Withhishelp,Iwillfinallybeabletorip

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I'mcomingforyou,Jay.VengeanceWILLbemine.

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Karma’saBitchbyA.M.Wray(3/7/17)

Ladies,whatwouldyoudoifyouweregrantedanunlikelywish?

Awishyoudidn’tevenknowthatyouwishedfor?Whatifyouwokeupin

thebodyofamanthathumiliatedandusedyou?

Jaimeisbeautiful,sarcastic,andtalented.Afteraterribledayat

workwiththemisogynistbossfromhellandadateshe’dlovetoforget,she

soonfindsherselfwakingupinaverystrangescenario.Shemeetsthe

challengeintypicalJaimefashion–withhumorandopportunity.Withthe

helpofKarma,hercoincidentally-named,clumsyandcomicalFairy

Godmother,Jaimestandsthechanceofteachingthatmanalessonhewon’t

everforget.Ifyou’veeverwantedkarmatopayavisittosomeonethat’s

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treatedyoulikecrap,don’tmissoutonthehilariousjourneytopersonal

freedom.

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PhobiabyA.M.Wray(2/14/17)

BookOneinthe“H*Phobia”Series

Ifyouwokeuptomorrowinanotherworld,howwouldyouadapt?

Howwouldyousurviveifyourroleintheworldwerereversed?

Whatifyouwereanotherrace?Richinsteadofpoor?ThehumbleworkerinsteadoftheCEO?

Wouldyoustillbewhoyouare?Wouldyoustillmakethesamechoices?Mostimportantly--wouldyou

stilltreatthosearoundyouthesame?

Seventeen-year-oldTylerWilsonisthestereotypicaljockinhighschoolandhasnointentionsofsetting

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Tylerneedstolearnthetruemeaningofthewordfearanddesperation.

Themindcanbeaterriblething.Itcanplaytricksonyou,especiallywhenyourmindisinthehandsofa

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