LET’S BE MATURE ABOUT

THIS

A Renee Romance eBook

Copyright © Renée LaRuse 2010

All rights reserved. No part of this

publication may be reproduced, stored
in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in
any form or by any means, electronic or

mechanical, by photocopying, recording
or otherwise, without prior permission
in writing from the author.

This book is dedicated to my

friends and family, my

uplifting readers and my bravest

self.

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CHAPTER ONE

So, working at Dennison's Gro-

cery isn't so bad of a job if you're a
broke, imaginative, nineteen-year-old
college sophomore. There are lots of
people to stare at and form false conclu-
sions about and a steady stream of hor-
ribly written romance novels to enter-
tain myself with between customers.
Reading those novels is like watching a
poorly made horror film and being ap-
palled and highly amused by the fact
that someone actually put time and
money into writing the illogical plot and
directing the painfully untalented act-
ors. Like driving by a car wreck, I

5/321

cannot look away. I cannot peel my eyes
away from the atrocity on the page! I
will always be enchanted by imagining
just how many idiots and liars had to
come together to write and publish
some of these romance novels. Such as
Thug Luv II: Treyvon's Release which I
am reading now as I stand behind the
register at the checkout counter.

Yes, Treyvon is finally being re-

leased from a maximum security prison
he was in for the murders he committed
as a drug lord. No, his baby momma
Asia has not been faithfully waiting for
him to get out. Yes, I try to hide what
I'm reading from the customers and my
boss, except when I feel like startling an
unsuspecting Caucasian.

But, honestly, I'd rather not have

anyone see what I'm reading because

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they might think I'm serious. Why
wouldn't a young black girl such as my
self read a lovely urban erotica romance
novel? Really, I flip past all the actual
"erotica" because, number one, it's
vomit inducing, and number two, it's
too much for my virgin eyes. I keep the
book hidden discreetly under the
counter because it’s not like there needs
to be something else for strangers to
judge me on besides my skin color. Un-
less I don't really like you, then I don't
give a damn what you think. But if I like
you, I'd rather you not think I'm a ste-
reotypical hood rat.

Believe me, it's not that I'm

ashamed of my race…exactly. Well, I
mean, what I'm trying to say is that
'Black Culture', as they call it, is pre-
dominately a hip hop, gangsta rap,

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represent-your-hood type of thing,
which I personally don't like. What's to
like about brothers and sisters who are
being told to enjoy and take pride in
thug life? There's no getting ahead as a
drug dealer. You live by it, you get
locked up by it, then you die by it. I
can't agree with young boys who grow
up thinking that's all they could pos-
sibly do with their life, that their future
cannot be prosperous and legitimate.
Because, you know, following the law
would not be keepin' it real! And being
caught

by

the

police

for

doing

something illegal would be because
black youth are being targeted by The
White Man! Suuuure.

I'm not stupid, I know there is

still racism out there and it is still
harder for a black person to get ahead

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in America, but please, don't construct
your own fences and your own barriers.
I could cry. But I won't. There's nothing
I could do or say. I could murder Lil'
Wayne, but that would not be practicing
what I preach.

Now that I've said all that about

racism, prejudice, and judgment here
comes Ho-ish Hannah.

"Hey Sydney," she winks suggest-

ively at me as she unloads the items
from her basket onto the conveyor belt.

"Hi, Hannah," I give her a fake

toothy smile. Today, Wednesday, is
Hannah's shopping day. Every custom-
er has a day that they routinely patron-
ize Dennison’s Grocery to restock their
hollow refrigerators and pantries. The
day that a customer chooses to buy gro-
ceries is very helpful in understanding

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what type of person they are. In particu-
lar if you shop on a weekend. It either
means you have a very busy work
schedule during the week, or you are a
loser with no social life so your week-
ends are wiiiide open. If you shop dur-
ing the week, however, that supports
the idea that you are too busy partying
on the weekend to even consider gro-
cery shopping. Hannah is a weekday
shopper. I, uh, I'm a weekend shopper,
actually. Think what you’d like.

I begin to swipe her usual items

over the scanner: Two heads of lettuce,
tomatoes, Lean Cuisine dinners, soy
milk, pomegranate juice, salad dressing,
a cucumber, lube, whipped cream, con-
doms, and Star magazine. She buys this
assortment every Wednesday. Did I
mention she's thin, blonde, and, uh

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surgically enhanced, if you know what I
mean? I'm as tall as she is, around 5' 6'',
but definitely not as thin. I eat carbo-
hydrates from time to time so I have a
nice round booty, full thighs and a nice,
naturally occurring chest. Not that I can
really accentuate my figure in the
Dennison's Grocery uniform complete
with khaki pants, a tucked in green
polo, and a beige apron. I keep my black
hair in a short, messy, layered bob with
side swept bangs. I love to wear colorful
dangling earrings. I'm wearing my sil-
ver growling lion head earrings today.
Very modern motherland.

As I bag Ho-ish Hannah's items I

glance at her as she flips through a Ti-
gerBeat magazine she has pulled from
the shelves near the checkout counter.
She turns the magazine towards me so I

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can see a photo spread of the Jonas
Brothers. She points to one of them and
grins saying "He's sexy, huh?" I raise an
eyebrow. She is not pointing to the
teenaged lead singer nor the guitarist
who is a few years older. She is pointing
to the youngest band member who is
obviously 12 years of age.

I look at her and blink. She looks

at me unblinking, her big blue eyes not
conveying that she is a shameless pedo-
phile. She continues to smile as she puts
the magazine on the rack. She looks
back up at me smiling as I silently look
at her, hoping she is kidding. She is not.
My silence does not alter her smile. I
blink again.

"Your total is $42.39." Ho-ish

Hannah pays using a wad of mostly
single dollar bills and leaves.

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So,

I

judge

the

customers.

Harshly. But how wrong could I pos-
sibly be? I return to chapter six of Thug
Luv II and start up where I left off. Just
when Treyvon had come home hoping
to get some I-just-got-out-of-prison sex
with Asia (barf!), a customer comes up
to the register. Mr. Gavin Caselle, to be
exact.

Not "Mister" as in he's married,

but "Mister" as in I, Sydney Lenton,
once had a minute itty-bitty crush on
him until I realized he was an old gay
man, “Mister.”

Well he's not that old, but he's

still possibly gay. As you can guess, I
know all of this because of what he buys
and when he buys it. At first I couldn't
see these things because I did not have
the ability to blatantly look through his

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items. I wasn't a cashier yet. I had just
started working at Dennison's earlier
this year and I was a lowly stock girl at
the time. Shelving cans of peas, corn,
and smoked oysters (barf!).

One Friday evening while mind-

ing my own business stacking tomato
soup cans into a pyramid, I felt a sharp
pain in my ankle. Kind of like the pain
you feel when someone rams a shop-
ping cart made of steel into your foot. I
hissed in response to the immediate
pain. When I looked to see who the
blind idiot was that shattered my ankle,
well my ankle wasn't really shattered it
just felt that way, it was Gavin.

There he stood, with his eyes

bugged out of his head and his mouth
agape, shocked at what he had just done
to my ankle, apologizing profusely, and

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he was so unfairly handsome. He had
twinkling light green eyes and long
black eyelashes. His short black hair
was smooth, shiny and soft looking, like
it had just been washed and blow-dried.
His lips, goodness, wonderful pink lips.
He also had that five-o'clock shadow go-
ing on and to top it off, a beauty mark!
He had a little dark freckle above his lip
at the right corner of his mouth. He was
dressed casually in a gray screened t-
shirt with a silver dragon on it, well-fit-
ting

dark

jeans

and

dark

blue

Converses.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! Are

you okay? Uh, Sydney? I'm so sorry!"

"H-How do you know my name?"

I was sincerely surprised as to how a
Calvin Klein model such as him would

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know anything about a simple girl like
me.

"Well,

your

name

tag,"

he

explained.

"Oh." Bright one.
"I'm Gavin. Is your ankle...?" He

had a furrow between his dark eye-
brows as if it pained him to vocalize that
I was hurt. For a moment I thought
about saying he would have to escort
me to the hospital and sit by my hospit-
al bed holding my hand until I was fully
recovered. However, it didn't hurt as
bad as it looked.

"I'm fine actually. I don't think I'll

need surgery."

"Good," he gave a little smile.

"Um, you're sure?"

I nodded.

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"I feel like I definitely owe you

something."

"Uh." I'm sure I was drooling at

that point. His eyes darted around my
face, noticing the slobber dribbling
down my chin, I bet.

"Like,

maybe,

dinner

or

something?"

Whaaaaat? Is he hitting on me? I

can't believe he would hit on me! Cool!

"That would be very…apologetic."
He laughed. "Yeah, it would. So,

do you work here every evening?"

"Yup."
"Well, then let me know when

you’d like that dinner. Any night you’d
like, I can pick you up when your shift is
over."

"Okay. I'll let you know."

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He nodded, smiling. I went back

to the soup pyramid I was working on. I
glanced back at him to see him running
a hand through his incredible hair.
Then he turned to look at me again. I
giggled like a school girl. Cute. He
smiled and went about his shopping. I
didn't even notice my swollen ankle as I
skipped through LaLa Land the rest of
the night.

That's how it started, with a

promise of a dinner together. But now
for how it ended. I thought about it the
whole week. Oh, the sweet anticipation!
What would I wear? And that week I got
more good news. One of the cashiers, a
retired woman named Ms. Daisy, had
died! I was thus chosen to replace her.
No more can-stacking, I was a cashier
now. Yay!

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The next Friday night Gavin

showed up.

"You're a cashier now. Congratu-

lations!" He said with a perfect smile.

"Yup." Now I had the chance to

study this specimen of a man. First one
must observe his shopping schedule.
Friday nights indicates a loner with no
social life. No, no, not Gavin. He's just
a…homebody. Frozen pizza, frozen TV
dinners, beer. Ah, a bachelor indeed!
"Um, I'm going to need to see your I.D.
for the beer and all."

"Oh, here you go."
Aha! A chance to get even more

info. Let's see. Gavin Caselle. That's a
sexy name. Italian? His address: 2120
Pine St. Apt. D. Just in case I need to
call a cab to pick me up late at night,
nah mean? Hahahaha…Yeah right. So,

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he must be at least 21 since he's buying
alcohol. He looks like he's a college stu-
dent. Maybe a grad student. Date of
Birth: 2-17-1979. So that makes him,
uh, carry the one... Okay, he's 29 years
old.

He's

twenty-friggin'-nine-years-

old?! That's a skip away from 30! When
I was in second grade he was, like, a
senior in high school! Even now I'm
barely legal. I'm just an innocent little
19 year old girl!

Maybe I'm just overreacting. I

have a knack for over thinking things.
It's not that big of an age difference.
Ten years. I'm a pretty mature person,
where it counts.

I handed him back his license and

started scanning the other items. Tooth-
paste, grapes, cat food? He has a cat?

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"So, you have a cat." I stated

dejectedly.

"Yes," he beamed, "Her name's

Belle."

I have no idea what look I gave

him because I was talking to myself in
my head. What grown man has a cat?
Oh, a sensitive man. A sweet, sweet
man. Sweet like some sort of, well, a
fruit. But that's jumping to conclusions,
I thought. That really is unfair. Just be-
cause he owns a cat named after a Dis-
ney princess doesn't necessarily mean
that he...

"I'll take this, too." Gavin tossed

Cosmopolitan magazine onto the con-
veyor belt. One of the blurbs on the cov-
er read "10 SHOCKING TRUTHS
ABOUT GUYS & SEX!"

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He's gay. GAY GAY GAY! That

was how I found out that he was an old
gay man. The end. But just to rub it in
my face, after he paid for his groceries
he turns and says to me, "I still owe you
that dinner." What do you think I said?

"I'm really busy, actually. I'm a

pre-med student so, you know how it
is."

His lips bent into a heart wrench-

ing, disappointed little frown. "Maybe
next time." He winked at me and exited
the store. The dude winked at me. How
creepy is that? Well I wasn't totally ly-
ing. I am a pre-med student. But I'm ac-
tually smarter than I look so I was
already done with any schoolwork. I
just couldn't bear to sit across from him
at a table in some restaurant and look

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him in those dreamy green eyes know-
ing it was all just so impossible!

CHAPTER TWO

And here he is again today,

dressed very casually in a red t-shirt,
black board shorts and red and black
flip flops. What is he doing here in the
middle of the week? I suppose his week-
ends have picked up some momentum,
what with all the gay bars in the city to
attend. Even though I know what I
know, my heart still fluttered when our
eyes met. "Hey Sydney. How are you?"

"I'm good Mr. Caselle. How are

you?"

He gave me a funny look.

"Mister? You can call me Gavin. It's
much more personal," he said giving me

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a little smirk, his green eyes twinkling.
Alright old man, time to set you
straight, so to speak.

"Well, you're almost thirty years

old and I'm a vibrant young nineteen-
year-old girl so I thought Mr. Caselle
would be a respectful title."

Did you sense a little bit of anger

in that statement? That's what I was go-
ing for.

He seemed to contemplate the

idea that he was old for a moment.
Then he frowned a bit after realizing his
oldness. Then he changed the subject
away from his antiquity. "So, what are
you

secretly

reading

under

the

counter?" I raise an annoyed eyebrow at
him. "I'm asking because I'm a book-
worm. And I'm nosy."

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I decided that it was a good time

to startle a Caucasian. I slowly raised
Thug Luv II: Treyvon's Release from its
hiding place for Gavin to see. The front
cover displayed an extremely well-built
and well-oiled black man shackled at
his ankles, wearing an orange prison
jumpsuit that seemed to have burst
open under the strain to reveal his shin-
ing chest and chiseled abs. My plan to
startle him backfired. Gavin busted out
laughing.

What the hell? Why didn't he fid-

get around nervously and try desper-
ately to peel his eyes away from the
greased up body builder on the cover
while muttering incoherently? That's
what the other Caucasians did. Oooh, I
almost forgot. Perhaps because he's the

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type of person who would enjoy a well-
built man.

"You're not seriously reading that

are you?," he questioned.

"Why yes, these are my favorite

novels. I love to see Black ghetto love
glorified through the literary arts," I
replied sounding like an apathetic
cyborg.

He chuckled. "I'm sure it's pretty,

uh, amusing."

It was refreshing to see that he

didn't actually think I was reading the
book for any life and romance tips. I de-
cided to have a conversation with him
and to sound like a human being this
time.

"It's quite amusing to say the

least. Kind of like watching a bad
movie. You should read Thug Luv I."

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"Yeah, my friends won't find that

queer at all," he said sarcastically.

Gavin added a Cosmo magazine

to his purchases again. "It's for work,"
he said. "I work in advertising so I like
to see what the competition is dishing
out."

"Oh. Sooo, you're not reading it

for the sex advice?"

His eyebrows raised in amuse-

ment. "Oh! Welllll...actually, some-
times, when I'm alone, I use them...on
myself."

It took a few seconds for me to

realize that he was kidding. And that he
wasn't gay. Then we shared a good
laugh. He's still old, I thought, but he's
a nice funny man. I guess I shouldn't
judge a book by its old, dusty, ancient

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cover. Who am I kidding? He looks my
age!

"Gavin, your total is $33.68." He

handed me a fifty, I gave him his change
and his receipt.

"Thanks for calling me Gavin and

not Mister," he smiled and grabbed a
pen from the counter to scribble
something on the back of his receipt.
"That way when you call me to take you
to dinner I won't hang up on you think-
ing you're a bill collector." He handed
me the receipt. It had a phone number
on it. And after being so forward about
taking me to dinner he gave me a shy
smile and left the store.

***

"Elizabeth, it's no big deal!" I

whined. She whipped around to glare at

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me and then continued chopping celery
at the kitchen counter. So domestic.

"Gaahh!" baby Sara announced as

I bounced her on my lap.

"See, even Sara agrees,” said El-

izabeth. “Why won't you let yourself feel
happy and excited about something,
Syd? Be a dreamer for once!"

"I am! Every night. Then when I

wake up from being a dreamer, get out
of bed and go out into the real world, it
helps to use some rational thought."

"Rational? So you're going to just

be miserable until the day you croak?
Seems more rational to spend your time
wisely, enjoy yourself while you're
young, and stop making so many
excuses."

"I'm not like you, okay? I'm not

ready to just rush in on life. I don't want

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to run off and get eloped and start a
family like you and Evan did."

"Who the hell said you had to

marry the guy!"

I covered little Sara's ears from

her mother's profanations.

My best friend Elizabeth was only

eighteen when she married her high
school sweetheart Evan. Trust me, I
told her not to do it. I told her to give it
some time, but she did what she wanted
to do. So here she is, nineteen and a
stay-at-home mom. Even though I
shudder at the thought of having a baby
to take care of and a husband to submit
to, I can't help but be a little jealous of
her and Evan's relationship. I never had
a high school sweetheart. I've never
been as happy as Elizabeth seems to be.

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I run my hand through Sara's soft

baby hair. She coos and tries to gnaw on
the pointer finger of my other hand that
is holding her middle. She has the same
dark skin as her dad. Her mom is ex-
tremely light skinned. I'm coffee with a
little cream. Sara is my goddaughter
and I love her very much. I just don't
want to have kids. Ever.

"Earth to Sydney!"
"What do you want from me,

woman!"

"I just..." Elizabeth walks out of

the kitchen wiping her hands on a dish
towel. "It's just that I think you spend
way too much time...alone. I want you
to get out there and meet people. This
Gavin guy sounds really interesting.
You could learn a lot from him. Call
him."

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"I know. I should respect my eld-

ers. I'll call him tonight."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at me.

"Ten years is not that bad."

"Yeah?

Just

wait

until

an

eighteen-year-old Sara brings home
28-year-old Dirk." The frightened look
on Elizabeth's face was priceless.

"Anyways, call him now. It's

Saturday. I know you don't have any
plans."

"Um, I'd rather call him in the

privacy of my own home."

"Whatever, just do it!"
"Thanks Nike. I'm gonna go home

now." I kiss Sara on her round cheek
and lay her down into her baby bouncer
seat. I hug Elizabeth and head out.

"Call and give me an update

tomorrow!"

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I respond with a grumble and

leave Elizabeth's cute little house and
out the white picket fence to my car.

I sat inside my red Honda Fit and

let the tears cascade down my face.
Now, I'm not usually a crybaby. The last
time I cried was when I was sixteen and
my grandmother passed away. I was
crying because at that moment I knew
without a doubt that my life as I've
known it was going to end. Things were
going to change and I never handled
change well in my life. I always fought it
stubbornly until the bitter end. It's not a
fear of growing up. It's a fear of losing
myself. Even if the way I've been living
my life, apathetic, passionless, and "be-
ing realistic" for almost two decades
was wrong, it was so hard to let it go to
be a different happy person. My attitude

33/321

had become a bad habit that was hard
to quit.

Gavin stirred up strong emotions

in me. And emotions, irrational little
emotions, could lead me to huge mis-
takes. I could end up humiliated and
alone if I fell for him. I'd rather be alone
and still have some dignity. A guy can
do some ghastly things to a girl. I've
heard the stories. It might seem like I'm
getting ahead of the situation because I
don't even know if anything is going to
happen between Gavin and me. But the
fact that I'm sitting in my car crying and
worrying about it seems to suggest that
there's kind of a big possibility.

34/321

CHAPTER THREE

Gavin walked briskly out of the el-

evator tugging at his baby blue silk tie
to loosen it from around his neck. His
polished black Oxfords reflected the
streams of sunlight coming through the
sides of the parking garage attached to
the office building. The top six floors of
the fifteen story Mercer building was
home to the Impera advertisement firm
at which he’d been a marketing man-
ager for the past three years. He had
just been released from a three-hour
meeting to discuss marketing for a new
dog food. He was not a dog person and
a Saturday morning dog food meeting
had not helped the canine case.

Sometimes he worked on the

weekends. It wasn't like he had any real
plans for his weekends so it didn't mat-
ter to him. While walking through the
four story parking garage to his car he
took off his grey blazer and slipped the
tie off up over his head. He yawned as
he put the key in the door of his shiny
black Mazda3.

Before he could get inside his car,

his cell phone started vibrating. He
reached into the front pocket of his grey
dress pants. The outside display screen
of his phone read "Jay". He flipped the
phone open and put it on speaker as he
got into his car. "Hey, wassup?"

"Yo, Gavin, you done with work

today?"

"Yup." He started his car and

backed out of his parking space.

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"I'm thinking you and I need to go

to the club tonight."

Gavin sighed loudly. "Jason, you

know me." He pulled his car out onto
the highway to get home.

"Exactly. I know you. That's why

I'm telling you to go home, say bye to
Belle, then leave the house and come
out to the club where you can get some
real pussy."

Gavin grimaced. He could hear

Jason's crooked smirk over the phone.
"We've gone over this a million times,
Jay! I'm not interested."

"Yeah, I'm beginning to think

you're not interested in women at all."

"Jay!" Gavin yelled. Jason was his

best friend. They’d been friends for ten
years and Jason knew how to push Gav-
in’s buttons like no one else. Gavin was

37/321

a little obsessive sometimes about his
appearance, a borderline metrosexual
some might say, a tendency that got
him jabs from some judgmental people.
Couple that with the fact that he had a
cat, and the teasing commenced. But
how could he have looked at Belle that
day six years ago, huddled in a box be-
hind a trash bin, too thin to be in good
health, meowing at him with big expect-
ant hazel and green eyes, and not have
taken her in?

"You know I'm teasing you, Gav-

in. I'm sorry, man."

"Whatever."
Jason sighed. "I just don't want to

see my boy all morose again like how it
was last year. You know I'm just trying
to keep your spirits up."

38/321

"Well, thanks but I'm doing good

now. Everything's good."

"You're right. You sound alright,

dude. I guess I'm just trying to get you
back to how it used to be. Hangin' out
like old times. After what happened it’s
like you don't want to get out of the
house anymore."

"Me not wanting to go clubbin'

anymore doesn't have to do with...that.
I just grew out of it, Jay. It's not fun for
me anymore."

"Fine. I get it. You don't love me

anymore. Anyways, I'm gonna go get
my hair did. This girl I know is gonna to
hook me up."

"And you call me gay?"
Jason was of mixed race, Italian

and African-American, so he had thick
light brown unruly hair. He usually had

39/321

it braided into lots of little intricate
cornrows. It had been a month since it
was last done so he needed them redone
quick and in a hurry.

"I'll talk to you later, alright? Stay

positive, 'kay?" Jay said.

Gavin rolled his eyes slightly an-

noyed but knowing that his best friend
was just being concerned and encour-
aging. "Got it. Later." He flipped his
phone closed and turned the corner
onto Pine street where his apartment
building was. He climbed the stairs up
to his flat and kicked his shoes off once
he stepped inside. Belle, a white Calico
cat with tan patches of fur, hopped off
of the couch and walked over to him to
brush against his legs in a slow figure
eight.

He

smiled

down

at

her.

"Hungry?" He walked into the kitchen,

40/321

opened a can of cat food and put it into
her bowl. She ran over and started eat-
ing her early dinner. It was around five
o'clock.

He walked into his bedroom and

took off his white button down shirt. He
stretched and massaged at his lower
back which was stiff from sitting around
all day. He smoothed a hand down his
flat stomach and entertained the idea of
going for a jog. He decided he'd go for
one early Sunday morning. He slipped
out of his pants and changed into a t-
shirt and basketball shorts. He went in-
to the bathroom, briefly looking at his
reflection before opening up the medi-
cine cabinet to take his Zoloft before he
forgot, and then he went into the living
room to watch the local news.

41/321

There was a distant ringing in his

head. It was getting louder. His eyes
fluttered open and he realized that his
phone was ringing. He'd fallen asleep
on the couch. He stood up quickly and
walked hurriedly over to the phone on
the table by the loveseat. The caller I.D.
read Lenton, May. Who is that? he
thought. He picked up the phone and
said "Hello?"

"Hi." A female voice responded as

if he knew her.

"Uhhh, hi?"
"Hello there."
Was this lady on the phone going

to make herself known or what?

"Yeah, who am I speaking with?"

He said slightly annoyed.

"Well, this is...the girl you gave

this number to."

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So Sydney, that cute girl from

Dennison's Grocery, had finally called
him. Interesting. He was almost certain
she'd never get around to it since she
was a "vibrant young nineteen-year-
old", as she had put it, and so busy with
school. She was the unlucky girl who he
had almost paralyzed from the ankle
down one fateful evening at the grocery
store.

He still couldn’t remember what

he was thinking about so intently that
had distracted him enough to roll his
cart into a human being standing right
in front of him. Maybe it had been the
sale on Cheetos? He'd offered her din-
ner right then and there as an apology
and, obviously, to get a date out of it as
well. He was kind of surprised he'd been
able to pull it off without seeming like a

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total wanker. She hadn't seemed to take
it the wrong way. She smiled at him.
But then she started acting funny,
brushing him off with the excuse of
schoolwork. But he was too stubborn to
just let it go. Plus, he thought maybe
she had realized how stupid he had
been to run a cart into her and she was
mad at him now. He could tell she was
rejecting him, so just to be spiteful he
continued to kill her with kindness, sug-
gesting they still have dinner and wink-
ing at her suggestively. He felt embar-
rassed about it afterwards.

Then the next time at the check-

out she'd basically called him old to his
face. She certainly had spunk! He had
thought she was at least 21. She wasn't.
That didn't make him feel very good but
he tried to keep it positive. They could

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still be acquaintances. They would have
to get along since he'd be at the store
every week. So he tried starting up a
casual conversation and asking about
what she was reading. During the
banter that followed he learned that she
was pretty funny. Pretty and funny. At
the same time she was serious, not
some airhead. She had a mature way of
being immature, if that makes any
sense.

They had the same sense of hu-

mor. They just kind of hit it off. In his
mind they did, anyway. He was ten
years older than her but she could prob-
ably still one-up him. He liked that. So
he gave her his number, tuning out the
annoying little voice of reason that kept
reminding him he was too old for her by
most people's standards.

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"Oh! Hi Sydney. Sorry, I didn't re-

cognize the name on the caller I.D."

"Yeah, the phone’s in my mom's

name 'cause I'm living with her right
now."

She still lives with her mom? He

started to have some doubts about
Sydney’s maturity. He then reasoned
that her living situation was probably
due to finances and not because she
couldn’t do her own laundry. "Well, you
finally called, huh?"

"I'm pretty bored right now so I

figured I'd take you up on that offer to
entertain me any night of my choosing."

"Good," he smiled. "Umm, I actu-

ally hadn't thought it out this far. I
didn't even think of a good restaurant
for us to eat at."

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***

This was really awkward for me;

talking on the phone with Gavin like
this. It was like there was some sort of
etiquette I was supposed to be using,
and I was ignorantly and offensively
breaking all of the rules. When Gavin
said he didn't have a restaurant in mind
I felt immediately apologetic as if I'd
called and forced him into a situation
he didn't want to be in.

"McDonald's is fine," I said. Gavin

chuckled. I'm an idiot and he's laughing
at me.

"No, I want to take you to a real

restaurant. Like, okay what type of food
do you usually eat when you go out?"

"You mean what do I eat when I

go out on a date? Because I've never

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been on a real date before." Gavin was
quiet a moment. I smacked myself in
the forehead with my fist.

"Well, what food would you like

to try?"

"I've...I've always wanted to try

Thai food but I just never got around to
it, I guess."

"Then Thai it is. I could pick you

up at eight, is that okay?"

You mean he wants us both to go

in his car? What if I want to leave? How
will I be able to run away humiliated if I
need to?

"Can I...Would you mind if I just

met you there at the restaurant? I'd be
more comfortable with that."

"That's fine. No problem." He

cleared his throat. "Well I'll see you at

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Thai Moon around eight then. It's the
restaurant by the water."

"Okay. See ya."
"Bye Sydney."
I immediately dialed Elizabeth's

number. "Hello?"

"Help."
"Syd? What's going on?"
"I have to be at the Thai Moon to

eat dinner with Gavin in two hours.
Come over and bring something nice
from your closet that won't make me
look fat."

Elizabeth shrieked. "I've been

waiting all my life for you to utter those
words! See you in twenty!"

I tossed my cell phone across the

room and onto my bed. My hands were
trembling. I tucked them behind my
knees as I snuggled deep into the old

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red plush fabric chair that sits beside
the window in my room. I glanced
around at the posters, decorations, and
photos hanging on my walls.

I studied the Gnarls Barkley, Led

Zeppelin, and Panic at the Disco posters
and the magazine cut-outs of artists like
Common and Joss Stone as well as my
favorite actors Johnny Depp, Edward
Norton, Sanaa Lathan, and Steve Carell.
Glossy baby photos were collaged along
with birthday, prom, graduation, and
concerts. The old brass oval mirror with
the intricate filigree frame that I'd
found at a thrift store hung on the wall
across from my bed. My bed stood
between two old night tables, its cream
bed sheets and comforter all askew.
This was the room of a college kid.
Gavin's room was probably some

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mature, modern, minimalistic feng shui
thing. And his bed would be neatly
made and he'd have extra pillows that
were “just there for decoration”.

I saw the headlights of a vehicle

stream their heavenly beams through
my bedroom window which faced the
driveway. The rumble of the engine was
cut and the person got out and slammed
their door. I could hear quick footsteps
running around to the other side of the
truck. "Who's out there?" my mom
asked from the living room where she
was watching a game show.

"It's Elizabeth!" I yelled back. I

walked out to the front door and
opened it to have Sara shoved at me in a
hot pink onesie, reaching out her plump
brown arms and kicking her fat little
legs around under her. Elizabeth

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wordlessly handed her daughter off to
me before running back to her white
Expedition and bringing back a black
garment bag slung over one arm and
the other holding a pair of high heels
and grasping the handle of a large
makeup caboodle. Then Sara and I were
herded into my room. I sat on my bed
with Sara on my lap and we both
watched in horror, our eyes wide and
our mouths trembling, as a mad woman
with an evil grin on her face flailed her
arms erratically all over the place and
threatened me with various modes of
torture such as mascara and eyeliner
applications, tweezing, the use of a curl-
ing iron, and wearing three inch high
heels.

"What do you have in that bag,

ma'am?" I said to distract my assailant.

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She zipped open the black garment bag
and pulled out a red velvety sleeveless
dress with a deep scoop neck and asym-
metrical hemline. "Bright red? What am
I, a lady of the evening?" Elizabeth
rolled her eyes.

"Can't you see how absolutely

gorrrrgeous you will look in this? And
with the silver heels and the silver stud
earrings and the necklace? With your
hair in curls? Come on!"

I tilted my head and looked off

dreamily into space contemplating her
suggestion with a smile on my face and
then met her eager eyes and shook my
head 'no'. Her face fell but I knew she
wouldn't take no for an answer. It was
going to happen to me.

She was afraid Sara could fall off

of the bed so we arranged my blanket

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and pillows on the carpeted floor of my
room and set Sara down on it. Elizabeth
used her mommy superpowers to make
Sara’s favorite toy materialize out of
thin air. I honestly did not see Liz walk
in the house with that bright yellow,
elephant stuffed animal twice the size of
my goddaughter. Then she dragged me
into my bathroom that was attached to
my room and left me standing there in
front of the wide rectangular mirror as
she ran off to get a stool for me to sit
on.

I looked at my reflection and no-

ticed what appeared to be bags under
my eyes and a pimple emerging on my
forehead and my nose looked oily and I
had frown lines and a curly hair was un-
der my chinny chin chin! I rifled

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through Elizabeth's caboodle, found
some tweezers, and yanked the hair out.

"Ow! Son of a b-"
"Naah!" Sara said from five feet

away on her bed that was of my bed.

“Sorry Sara," I said in a soothing

voice.

Elizabeth returned and I sat on

the bar stool that was usually at the
breakfast counter in the kitchen. I
closed my eyes and felt a soft make up
brush whisked across my face and
something was smoothed across my lids
and something that smelled like candy
was swiped across my lips. I felt her
hands in my hair and felt the heat of the
curling iron. As she styled I heard Sara
quiet and finally fall asleep making little
noises once in a while as she breathed.
Elizabeth was pregnant right after she

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was married to Evan. I teased Elizabeth
about it, saying that she was conceived
before they were married, but Elizabeth
got really upset about the issue and
swore that her child did not come out of
wedlock. I know it's true.

Elizabeth and I both held the be-

lief that it was best to keep our legs
closed until we were with our husbands
on our wedding nights. I never would
have thought that a few years after we
pinky swore during sophomore year of
high school the whole shebang would
have happened to Elizabeth and left me
in the dust of their impatient, undying
love. How I had hoped it would die. I
don't feel that way now but I did. You'd
think I'd look up to Evan and Elizabeth
and see their marriage as an example of

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how true love could happen for me. But
I was never that secure in myself.

It's hard for anyone to find true

love in this day and age. The divorce
rate is high and I'm certain infidelity is
even higher. Anyway, the divorce rate
doesn't relay just how bad relationship
situations are because there is no figure
to represent how many people just
aren't getting married at all and are set-
tling for a common law sort of coupling.
Sorry, but I can't do that. I need more
than that. I need a ring on it. It's my
whole life at stake, right?

Why am I thinking about this

again? Haven't I thought this out time
and time again? I'm tired of being so
serious! Seriously!

"Sydney, don't open your eyes yet.

Let's

make

this

like

a

surprise

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makeover. Go in the room and put on
the dress and the heels. Let me know
when you’re done and I'll come in and
help you put the jewelry on and then
we'll have a big reveal!" Elizabeth
clapped her hands together merrily.
"Oh! And don't you dare ruin it by peek-
ing into that old mirror in there. Now
go!"

I tiptoed into my room because I

didn't want to wake Sara. I put on the
red dress, careful not to get any of my
makeup on it as I slipped it over my
head. I buckled the silver heels on and
hobbled around my room a bit until I
felt comfortable in them. "Okay Liz."
She came in and put the silver earrings
in my ears for me and strung the neck-
lace around my neck. It had a crescent
moon charm on it. Ironic, since I was

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going to a place called Thai Moon.
When Elizabeth closed the clasp behind
my neck and stepped away from me she
had tears in her eyes.

"Oh, keep it together, you baby." I

grumbled.

"Go, go, go," she whispered as she

ushered me back into the bathroom.
There is where I saw what she was all
choked up about. I didn't even look this
nice when I went to my senior prom! I
raised my hand and waved at myself to
make sure that what was in the mirror
was me. The reflection waved back. El-
izabeth had put soft curls in my hair
and they softened my face a lot more
than my usual bob. My eye shadow was
smoky and my lips were glistening with
a pink tinted gloss. The red dress made
my skin glow and complimented my

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figure too well, in my opinion. It still
looked rather nice on me. My mom
popped in out of nowhere. She was still
in her scrubs from work and her long
braids were up in a bun. "Sydney,
honey! You look amazing! He is going
to have to roll his tongue back into his
mouth." I gave her a little frown. How
did she know I was going on a date?
Mothers. I turned back to the mirror
and smiled.

CHAPTER FOUR

Maybe he should wear the green

bowtie. He chuckled, thinking of some
smart remark Sydney would say to him
if he did. It would bring out his eyes
though. He decided on the green long

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sleeved sweater that had a silver stencil
of a laughing Dionysus, god of wine and
social merriment, on the front. He
pulled on some Gap jeans and put his
stainless steel Fossil watch on his wrist.
He stood inside his walk-in closet and
wondered if he should wear a jacket or a
blazer. He decided on a light gray jacket
with thin tan pinstripes and then
slipped some light brown Asics onto his
feet. He ran some gel through his hair
to give it that wet, lustrous Banderas ef-
fect. The whole time he was getting
ready, combing his hair through, spritz-
ing on some Calvin Klein cologne, he re-
peated the same phrase in his head:
She's never been on a date before.

If she had never been on a date,

was she a virgin? She doesn't act like an
innocent, naive virginess. He didn't

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want her to fall for him simply because
he was the first guy to pay her this
much attention. He didn't want her to
fall for him at all at this point. During
the earlier phone conversation he had
been tempted to just call the whole
thing off. However, he didn't want to
hurt her feelings. He decided to keep it
cordial and formal. He'd show her how
a guy should treat her on a date and
sort of guide her towards a good life
path. He'd send her on her way, like
pushing a young bird out of the nest so
that it may fly. "Great", he muttered as
he left his apartment with mixed
emotions.

When he parked his car in the

parking lot, walked up to the front of
the Thai Moon restaurant and saw
Sydney sitting on a bench outside the

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doors, he quite suddenly forgot all
about his premeditations.

A cool breeze was blowing and it

had that fresh salty smell of the ocean.
She stood up from the bench and
smiled sweetly at him. She looked so
beautiful. Her outfit immediately made
him conscious of his breathing and
blood circulation. Before he knew it he
was holding both of her hands in his
and smoothing his thumbs along them.
Then he pulled her towards him a bit,
leaned towards her and kissed her on
the temple, inhaling the smell of a
flowery shampoo and her perfume.
They grinned at each other for a few
seconds.

"Red looks amazing on you," he

complimented.

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Sydney smirked looking into his

green eyes. "That's why I wore it."

Gavin shook his head. "You can't

take a compliment, can you?"

Sydney shrugged. They began

walking to the door of the restaurant
and she whispered to him, "That ass
looks amazing on you." Gavin looked at
her shocked and his face grew hot. "You
just can't take a compliment, can you?"
she teased. Gavin couldn't believe he
was actually blushing! He needed to get
a hold of himself. Holding her hand and
kissing her was not part of the plan. He
took a deep breath and lectured himself
on how he was supposed to be her
counselor or whatever.

The hostess directed them to one

of the candlelit tables and Gavin pulled
out Sydney's chair for her. They were

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smiling across the table at each other
when the waiter bounced over.

"Hey guys. What can I get for you

this evening?" He was no more than five
feet tall with spiked up dirty blonde hair
and his lips seemed stuck in a model
pout. His uniform of black vest over a
white shirt and black pants all fit snug-
gly, especially his pants, and his hands
were on his hips as he waited for them
to order.

"Could we both have a glass of

Pinot Blanc and start off with the cala-
mari as an appetizer?" Gavin said.

"Oh darling, good choice! The

calamari is absolutely delicious. And the
sweet red pepper sauce compliments it
beauuuutifully." He turns to Sydney,
"Girlfriend, they are da bomb!" He

65/321

giggles, twirls around, and bounces
away from their table.

"Girlfriend?" Gavin repeats.
"Da bomb?" Sydney adds. They

both laugh. "I love how just because I'm
black I'm everyone's 'girlfriend'."

"I like how you thought I was part

of his crowd." He smirked shaking his
head from side to side.

"What do you mean?" Sydney

questioned and picked up her glass of
water to take a sip.

"Um, you thought I was gay.

Remember?"

The water she was drinking was

diverted directly into her trachea.
Sydney sputtered, coughed and then
took a few deep breaths.

"Are you alright?" said an amused

and concerned Gavin.

66/321

"I? How? When? …You're not

mad at me?"

"Well, I'm embarrassed and a

little hurt, but definitely not mad at
you."

Sydney's eyes were red from

coughing. However, the tears in her
eyes were because she was humiliated.
How could she be so dumb and mean?
What would he think of her now?

"I'm such a smartass sometimes

and I say things not thinking that the
person could really get their feelings
hurt. I'm sorry I questioned your intelli-
gence. I’m sorry if I offended you."

"It's fine. Trust me," Gavin as-

sured her.

"Sir, Ma'am, your wine?" Their

waiter poured them both a glass. "And
your calamari. Enjoy!" He pranced

67/321

away. Sydney looked at her wine glass
and laughed.

"What?" Gavin said smiling.
"I can't drink this," she said

between

chuckles.

"I'm

underage,

remember!"

Then Gavin started laughing, too.

"Now, that I think of it, I can't drink it
either.

It'll

interfere

with

my

medication."

"What's the medication for?"
"Umm, depression."
"Aren't we all?" Sydney smiled.

Gavin shrugged. "Well, Gavin, it's the
thought that counts. Thank you for this
lovely wine. It looks like it tastes very
good." She laughed.

"I don't know what I was think-

ing," he said, his hand rubbing the back
of his neck. "I guess I got carried away

68/321

with having a nice dinner and I just for-
got..." he trailed off, thinking of how he
forgot a lot of things when in Sydney’s
presence. He forgot she wasn’t his age,
he forgot he wasn’t ready for another
relationship, and he forgot he was
mildly depressed. “You can drink your
wine. I won't tell on you," he joked.

"No. I won't drink knowing that

you can't."

"Honestly, don't hold back be-

cause of me."

"How 'bout we both just take a

sip. A sip won't hurt you, right?" Sydney
then took a rather long sip which was
really more of a gulp. Gavin carefully
sipped his. "Well," Sydney sighed, "it's
not at all what it's cracked up to be, is
it?"

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"No," Gavin laughed. "Let's dig

into the calamari."

"What exactly is it?"
"Battered and deep fried squid."
Sydney peered into the basket.

"So those right there are tentacles?" She
asked curiously. Gavin nodded. She
took a fork and picked a piece of cala-
mari, dipped it in the sauce and took a
bite. "Mmmmm, they're good."

"I'm glad you're not grossed out,"

Gavin said and took a bite of his own
calamari.

"I'm going into the medical field. I

would hope it would take a lot more
than this to gross me out."

"When did you know you wanted

to work in the medical field?"

"When did I know?" Sydney

chuckled. "I finally knew it was my true

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calling when my mom said to me 'You
are going to be a doctor one day,
Sydney, and things will be easier for
you'. I suppose it's the smart thing to
do."

"But what do you want to do?" he

wondered aloud.

"I don't know," she answered and

gave him a smile that she hoped would
come off as 'I'm not worried about that'
even though she was.

When the waiter, who they were

now calling the Thai Fairy, came back to
the table they ordered fresh squeezed
lemonade, Massaman Curry chicken
and shrimp Pad Thai. Sydney tasted
some of Gavin's Pad Thai which he
playfully fed to her and she fed him a
few forkfuls of the curry. It was all just
too cute, really.

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"I thought about wearing my

green bowtie. How do you think I would
have looked in that?" Gavin asked.

"I would have thought you looked

absolutely dorky and mouthwateringly
adorable. Of course I wouldn't have said
that to your face. I probably would have
only told you about the dorky part." She
smiled, her brown eyes glistening with
the light of the candle.

"Yeah, I figured. Why are you

such a meanie?" He teased.

"I have to get them before they

get me." She said seriously, waving her
knife and then stabbing it in the air. She
then laughed at her gesture.

"Maybe, I don't know, maybe that

might be why this is your first date. I'm
not trying to be hurtful or anything I
just...I'm saying that if you weren't so

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defensive you’d have been on hundreds
of dates with dozens of willing men."
Gavin smiled trying to take the edge off
of his statement.

"You have a point but that's not it.

It’s something else, I think." Sydney
said and then nodded in agreement
with herself.

As she ate her last few bites of

food Gavin's cool green eyes studied her
face. He didn't want to end the date on
that note. Why didn't he just shut up? A
part of him tried to justify his statement
by pointing out that he was being a
good friend and 'mentor' to give her
some advice on how she could be in a
nice relationship with a good guy her
own age. The other part was hoping
she'd let down her guard just for him.
He could tell his reserve was slipping

73/321

when he actually thought to himself
that the way Sydney chewed her food
was cute. He paid for dinner and they
decided to stroll down the boardwalk
beside the restaurant.

74/321

CHAPTER FIVE

It was dark except for the strings

of yellowed Christmas lights draped
along the edge of the railings on the
boardwalk.

When they got to the end of the

boardwalk they peered into the dark
water below. The moon was hiding be-
hind thick clouds so the sky was a deep
bluish black with only a few visible
stars. The breeze had picked up speed
since the beginning of the night and was
threatening to blow out all of Sydney’s
curls.

"Are you cold?" Gavin asked.

"Here take my jacket," he said before
she could answer.

His jacket was already off when

she said, "No. I'm fine." Gavin was
holding the jacket up and trying to put
it around her shoulders when she
stepped away. "Honestly, I'm fine. I
didn't say no to be coy. I'm really not
cold at all."

Gavin stood there for a second

and looked her in the eyes. She looked
away from him and back down to the
dark water. He shrugged his jacket back
on. "Even if you aren't cold, would it
have hurt you to allow me to feel like I
could make you comfortable? Or is a
guy giving a girl his jacket too cliché for
you?"

Still looking at the water she

shook her head.

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Gavin’s face softened. “Are you

mad at me about what I said in the
restaurant?”

“No. It’s something that needs to

be discussed, just in case we start dating
regularly.”

Gavin smiled. He was smiling be-

cause she was always trying to stay ra-
tional and mature. She was so afraid of
getting hurt and she hadn’t even really
been hurt before. He’d experienced be-
ing hurt and it had put him in a very
dark place, so he understood her reas-
oning for being defensive. Besides run-
ning a shopping cart into her ankle, he
was pretty sure he wouldn’t hurt her
again. That is, if they were ever togeth-
er. Sydney looked up and met his eyes.

“What’s so funny?” she said. He

just shook his head and stopped himself

77/321

from smiling. “You want to know what
the ‘something else’ is that’s keeping me
from a relationship with a guy my age?”

“Very much so.”
“I haven’t really been on a date

with a guy before tonight because…I
don’t want to waste my time. I don’t
want to waste my time with a bunch of
pleasantries and chivalry if a month
down the road he shows his true colors
and tries to get in my pants. Do you un-
derstand?” Gavin nodded. “I can’t find
out a year later that I was blind for love
or a fool in love. I just will not waste my
time on that. I’d never forgive myself if I
did.” Sydney looked down and played
with the hem of her red dress.

“That’s the most sensible thing

I’ve heard in a year and a half.”

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Sydney laughed. “So then you un-

derstand why it’s not popular with guys
my age.”

“When I was that age, heck, just

two years ago I wasn’t that serious.”

“But you are now?”
“Yes.”
Then Sydney felt something wet

on her shoulder. “Is that rain or do you
have a lisp?” In answer to her question
the sky unleashed its contents onto the
earth. Gavin took his jacket off and
Sydney accepted it to cover her head
and shoulders, she accepted his hand
and they ran through the downpour all
the way down the boardwalk and to the
awning in front of the restaurant. They
were the only people who’d found
themselves out in the rain. Sydney

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looked up at a dripping wet Gavin. They
grinned at each other.

“How bad is it?” He asked, run-

ning the hand that wasn’t holding
Sydney’s through the damp waves of his
black hair. He frowned a bit at seeing
that Sydney’s hair was perfectly dry.
Sydney watched as little drops of water
fell from the tips of his hair and ran
down the side of his face.

“Is this how you look coming out

of the shower?” She teased. Gavin
smiled shyly. “I look just like this when
I come out of the shower,” Sydney said.
“You know I can’t be getting my hair
wet every day.”

“Why’s that?”
“Well, it takes a minimum of one

hour to style my hair after it gets wet.
Conditioning, blow drying, greasing,

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straightening, yadda yadda. And I can
only get my hair relaxed twice a month,
so I have to make it last.”

“I guess there’ll be no surprise

water balloon fights, then.”

“Unfortunately.” Sydney pouted.
“This was a really good date,”

Gavin said in a soft voice just above a
whisper. “We should do this again real
soon.”

“I agree.” Sydney beamed, “This

was the best date I’ve ever had.”

“Not because it was your only one

so far?”

Sydney paused and stroked her

chin as if thinking. Then she shrugged
her shoulders and laughed. The rain
had slowed down to a very faint drizzle.

“Let me walk you to your car.”

Still holding hands, Gavin and Sydney

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walked across the wet pavement of the
parking lot, dodging large puddles until
they were at her car. Sydney handed
back his wet jacket.

“Thanks for the jacket, babe,” she

said smiling.

“No problem, mama,” he said in a

Johnny Bravo impression and made a
kissy noise as he puckered his lips.
Sydney laughed and gently squeezed at
his hand. He squeezed back. This was
the part where they were supposed to
say goodbye. Neither was in a hurry to
go.

“I think a hug is in order,” she

said, “I think you deserve it. What do
you think?”

“I think I better get some, since I

paid for dinner and all,” he said. She
playfully smacked him across his face.

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He rubbed at his cheek and pretended
to be hurt. Then he tossed his wet jacket
onto the hood of her car and wrapped
his arms around her, drawing her close,
enjoying the warmth of their closeness.

Sydney took in a deep breath and

sighed trying to calm her racing heart.
“I thought I was supposed to give you
the hug,” she murmured into his chest.

“Either way, I’m happy with the

outcome,” he said.

***

“Then what happened?!” Eliza-

beth practically squealed. Poor Sara was
being bounced on Elizabeth’s knee. I
feared she would suffer brain damage.

“Then he said he’d call me and we

went home to our perspective beds.”

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“Awww.” Elizabeth laughed. She

took Sara’s little hands and clapped
them together and sang “Auntie’s got a
boyfriend! Auntie’s got a boyfriend!”
Sara laughed with her toothless smile.
“Oh, Syd, I am so excited for you. I just
know you’re not going to regret this.”

“How can you possibly know

that?”

“Okay, I take that back. I have a

feeling that you won’t regret it.”

“Oh, okay, a feeling. Well in that

case…” Sydney rolled her eyes and
smiled.

***

Gavin jogged around the bend on

the trail through the wooded area be-
side his apartment complex. The

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crickets were chirping in the trees, thor-
oughly enjoying the humidity on a
Sunday morning. As he jogged he tried
to think of a way he could change his
work schedule for Monday and Tuesday
night so that he could see Sydney earli-
er. His superiors had gotten used to his
24/7 availability and he didn’t want to
disappoint them by suddenly backing
out of things he’d already agreed to do.
His bosses thought he was a motivated
guy trying to make his way up the lad-
der. Really, he had been taking on extra
projects to distract himself from other
things. He made a mental note to light-
en his schedule for next week.

He wondered whether he was

planning too far ahead into the future.
But he couldn’t deny his feelings for
her; the quickening of his heart beat

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and the fluttering in his stomach every
time he saw her, the fact that he
couldn’t stop smiling when he was with
her, the fact that he was smiling now as
he jogged because he was thinking of
her. As he came within half a mile from
the end of the trail he sprint full speed
until he made it to the joining of the
trail to the sidewalk along the inner
perimeter of the complex. As he walked
to the other end of the community
where his apartment was located he
came to the sad conclusion that Wed-
nesday would be the only evening he’d
have free for the entire week. He walked
up the steps to his apartment and went
straight for the bathroom. He kicked off
his sneakers and socks, peeled off his
sweaty jogging t-shirt and shorts, and
hopped into the shower.

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Later he found himself on the

couch watching Sunday morning car-
toons and eating a Pop-Tart. What he
really wanted to do was see Sydney, but
he would definitely come on too strong
if he couldn’t let at least one day pass
without being in her company. Bored,
he decided to have lunch with Jason
that afternoon.

“So…she’s nineteen?”
Gavin nodded.
“And she’s black?”
Gavin smiled and nodded.
“What has gotten into you lately?”
“I don’t know. Jungle fever?”
Jason laughed. “That’s not what I

meant. Although, I feel weird that
you’re with one of my sistahs.”

“Then what do you mean?”

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“Well,

nineteen

is

extremely

young.”

“She doesn't act like a teenager.

She's in college, not high school. I’m
telling you, she is very mature for her
age. You have to meet her yourself, oth-
erwise you won’t understand!”

“Fine. I can tell this is a sensitive

issue for you,” Jason said, irked by Gav-
in’s tone.

“It doesn’t feel so good to have

your intelligence and motives ques-
tioned by your best friend when I
already know I have tons of that to look
forward to from lots of other people if
Sydney and I get serious.”

“Get serious? Wow. Slow down.”
“We're almost thirty-years-old,

Jason. We should actually be speeding
things up.”

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“Don’t rush into anything because

you think you should be settled down by
now,” Jay warned and popped a French
fry into his mouth.

“Trust me, I’m not. I just know

that at this point I need to evaluate a
woman as a possible life partner instead
of a possible good time.” Jason respon-
ded with a snort. “Don’t you want to
have a family some day?” Gavin asked.

“Naw, that’s not for me.”
“Are you sure you’re not just

afraid?”

“This isn’t about me,” Jason

quickly shifted the focus of the conver-
sation and ran a hand over his
cornrows. “I can’t help but think this is
some sort of rebound from…”

“Don’t! Don’t say it. You think

that after months of wanting to fall off

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of the face of the earth and almost a
year of feeling like a human being
again, I would suddenly decide to find a
rebound relationship now, a whole year
and a half later?”

“Guess not.”
“Okay then, that’s settled. Dude, I

come here trying to tell you the good
news about a great girl that I met and I
end up…frustrated about the whole
thing.”

“I’m just saying be careful,” Jason

mumbled through a mouthful of Big
Mac. Gavin, his appetite gone, poked at
his chicken sandwich. He resigned to
stare out of the restaurant window
watching cars come and go through the
drive-thru.

“Last night after I had dinner

with Sydney, it was scary because I felt

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like I wasn’t going to be able to keep my
eyes open on the drive home. I had to
blast the radio to stay awake. I’m so sick
of these side effects.”

“Think about all the good things

the meds are doing for you, though.”

Gavin shrugged his shoulders. "If

the medication is doing such a good job
to keep me normal then why do you
keep acting as if it's going to my head?"

"I just miss the things we used to

do before you got your heart broken and
before the depression and all."

"I'm sorry." Gavin sighed. It hurt

him to think that Jay felt like his best
friend had up and vanished. It was a
comfort to know that Jay was the same
old Jay but Jay didn’t have the same old
Gavin. Gavin didn't realize how hard his
best friend had taken the change. But

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Jason needed to grow up a bit, too. It
would do him good. "You can't be the
same person after you've had your heart
ripped out and thrown back at you.
You've never felt that. Maybe when you
fall in love you'll understand."

"Whoa! Don't wish that on me! I

don't want to be shackled to some girl. I
like it no strings attached. I don't wanna
be a marionette. I'm like Pinocchio; I
want to be a real boy." The two guys
chuckled.

92/321

CHAPTER SIX

This afternoon would be my

second date with Gavin; my second date
ever. We managed to squeeze the date
in between my classes earlier in the af-
ternoon, him having work to do over at
Impera, and me having to work every
weekday evening. It wasn’t getting any
easier to calm my nerves. It’s strange,
because during the actual date I’m not
that nervous at all. There are butterflies
in my stomach but only a few. I spend
so much time beforehand worrying
about saying something stupid but
when I actually get there and I talk with
Gavin, things go so smoothly. I was sur-
prised to find out that I liked the phys-
ical contact of hugging and holding

hands with him. I used to feel like when
a guy was affectionate that way it was
because they only had one thing in
mind. With Gavin I could tell that there
was no hidden agenda. He just wanted
to hold my hand to hold my hand, he
just wanted to hug me to hug me, and
that was it. I really like him. This is
really scary, but in a good way,
somehow.

He looked so incredibly hand-

some, barefoot in the sand and leaning
against a palm tree. His product-free
black hair was being tousled by the
breeze coming off of the water. The
same breeze that was threatening to
blow the bottom of his white shirt up to
reveal some skin. His bright white cot-
ton shirt with brown buttons was bil-
lowing in the wind around his torso, his

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nice fitting tan cargo pants were rolled
up to the knee, and his smile was so
beautiful. And he was smiling because
of me! Yay! I doubt that Gavin is this
goofy when he thinks about me. Having
a crush on someone makes me feel so
juvenile. Gavin and I sort of had match-
ing outfits, since I was wearing a white,
spaghetti strapped summer dress with
little red flowers along the hem and red
flip flops. My hair was still in curls.

When I crossed the long expanse

of white sand and trudged over to him
he gave me a big hug and said “Good to
see you” so sincerely I almost melted in-
to the sand. We didn’t really plan to do
much except walk around and enjoy the
view. “Let’s look for shells,” I suggested.
Gavin put an arm around my shoulder,
pulled me close to him and kissed me

95/321

on the cheek as we started walking
along the shore.

Does he know what he’s doing to

me?! If so, I have to admit he’s good. I
checked

myself

mentally.

Erase

thoughts of romantic bliss: check.
Hands to myself: check. Clothing on:
check. “Ooo! I wonder if I’ll find a whole
sand dollar. I always find broken ones.”

“Like this one?” Gavin said as he

bent down and picked up a sand dollar
with a triangular chunk missing from it.

"Yeah. It would be so nice to have

some for decoration."

"We'll find some for you."
Gavin and I sifted through the

sand for about twenty minutes, our
hopes peaked with every sight of a
round, bone-white circle poking out of
the sand and our hopes were dashed

96/321

time and time again when the sand dol-
lar turned out to be more of a half dol-
lar. And then Gavin did something that
almost made me propose to him on the
spot. He, Gavin Caselle, did a perfect
Jack Sparrow finding the rum on the
deserted island impression, his arms
out at his side, taking big swaggering
paces down the shore. Then he yelled
"Aha!," got down on his knees, and star-
ted digging. I ran over to him laughing
with tears in my eyes. "Gavin! What are
you doing?"

"I'm finding you a sand dollar,

darling," he said in that unmistakable
pirate brogue made famous by the geni-
us actor Johnny Depp. I'm ashamed to
say I giggled. Uncontrollably. "Not
good," he said turning to me with a dis-
appointed look. "No sand dollars here.

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All I found was this here hole." He dus-
ted the sand off of his hands and pulled
me down to sit beside him. I sat cross-
legged and rested my head on his
shoulder. I felt his hand slowly rub up
and down my back. It was soothing. We
both looked out onto the water and the
setting sun and sighed at the same time.
That had us giggling for a while.

I scanned the shore and up the

beach to the right of me where I saw
families, couples, locals and tourists
dotting the sand and the water. To the
left of where Gavin and I were sitting, a
girl and a guy were laid out tanning
about five feet away from us. I hadn't
noticed anyone else on the beach this
entire time! I was getting too wrapped
up in the view and his entrancing green
eyes. Get a grip, Sydney! What do I

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really know about Gavin? I've seen his
good side. What about the bad? I raised
my head from his shoulder. "Let's play
20 questions. I go first," I announced.

"Okay. Go."
"Wait. It's not really 20 questions

so much as an excuse to ask you about
some things. I'm nosy, which you of all
people should understand. It'll be yes or
no questions but feel free to elaborate."

Gavin smiled. "Bring it."
"Do you love your job?"
"Yes."
"Do you have any allergies?"
"Haha, nope. Why did you ask

that?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe

it's the doctor in me. Are you Italian?"

"Si’,

cento

percento

italiano

americano.”

99/321

I think I lost the ability to form

sentences at that point. Could he get
any sexier? Concentrate, Sydney. Don't
let his charms side track you. I can't be-
lieve he knows Italian, though!

"Do you know any more Italian?"
"Yes, but only a couple more

phrases and curse words I learned from
my grandfather."

"Have you ever done extracur-

ricular drugs?"

"Yes. Pot, once in high school. It

wasn't really fun, in my opinion."

"What's your favorite movie of all

time?"

"Hmmm, I'd have to say The Fifth

Element. I always enjoy watching that."

"Thank God you didn't say The

Godfather, or I would have rolled my
eyes at you."

100/321

"Well, every man likes The God-

father. That movie was designed to cap-
ture our simple violent minds."

"At least you realize that. One, I

don't like it simply because it’s more of
a guy's movie and two, they say some
rude things about black people. Which
makes me wonder why so many black
dudes love it so much."

"I

don't

remember

that

happening."

"How could you not remember

that? They use the 'n' word and basic-
ally call black people animals."

"Sorry."
I smiled at him. "It's okay. Al-

right, next question. Have you ever
been married?"

Gavin's eyebrows rose a bit in

amusement. "No."

101/321

"Do you have any kids?"
Gavin's eyes widened and he

shook his head furiously. "Whoa! No."

"Sorry but I have to ask these

things." I don't give a damn if this is
making him uncomfortable. I need to
know. If these questions scare him off
then I'll know he doesn’t respect my
time and my emotional investment.
"When’s the last time you had sex?"

Gavin thought about the question

for a while. "It's been about a year and a
half since I've done anything with
anyone."

"Who was the last person? Were

you dating or was it just..."

Gavin's tone changed dramatic-

ally. "It was with my ex-girlfriend of two
years." He sounded far away. That's the

102/321

only way I can describe it. But I had to
press on.

"What

triggered

your

depression?"

"My psychiatrist and I have come

to the conclusion that I was mildly de-
pressed for a while but after the break
up I became, um, clinically depressed.
But," he turned to me and gave a small
smile, "I'm okay now."

I nodded. He hadn't evaded any

of my questions. That was a good sign.
He seemed to answer everything hon-
estly. That's a great sign. I felt a little bit
guilty about grilling him now that I saw
how well he handled the whole thing.
The question at the tip of my tongue
was: How bad did it get? Did he try to, I
don't know, commit suicide? But that
was a question that should be asked

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later down the line. I really don't think
he's the type of person to take it so far
as to attempt to end his life. I'm sure
he's stronger than that. There was an-
other question I wanted to ask. I would
be focusing on every word he said and
how he said his answer. Every bit of
body language, twitching of fingers,
blinking patterns, everything, would be
analyzed.

"Can you see yourself with me in

the future?" My fingernails were almost
piercing my palms, I was so nervous to
hear his answer. I intended to ask this
question to see how he really felt about
us as an interracial couple. I was part
angry and part anxious. I was angry
that I had to ask this question at all. It's
not fair that I have to worry about this. I
was angry because I knew if Gavin

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didn't answer this question with confid-
ence I was going to make a scene be-
cause all my fears were wrapped up in
it. I'd probably kick sand in his eyes or
something horrible like that. I was so
anxious to hear his answer I don't think
I breathed at all from the time I asked
the question until the very last word of
his answer.

"Sydney, I really, really like you,"

he said looking down at the sand. Then
he looked over at me with those beauti-
ful green eyes. He looked away and his
left hand pulled at a thread on his
pants. He can't even look at me. What's
going on? "This is all different for me.
I've never dated someone with this big
of an age difference. I've never actually
dated someone a different race than
me." He turned and looked at me. "And,

105/321

I've never felt this way, the way I feel
about you, this quickly before and I
think it's because this is different."

Wow.
"My relationship with my ex, I

loved her, but she didn't feel the same
way."

WHAT? Why is he talking to me

about his stupid ex? Surely he wants
sand in his face!

"Our relationship started off the

wrong way so I never got to know who
she really was before I thought I was in
love with her. It was never like this with
her. I couldn't joke around. It was al-
ways business with her. I thought that
she was encouraging me to be a better,
more focused person for my own bene-
fit but really it was just her trying to at-
tain the spoiled life she thought she was

106/321

entitled to. As soon as she heard me
complain about some little thing at
work she would blow up at me, leave,
and not be back until the next morning.
I tried to make her happy and it was
draining me emotionally.

"When she saw that I was getting

more depressed and might need a little
help to pick myself up I saw that she
had no intention of being there for me. I
confided in her about the depression I
was feeling and suggested that maybe
she needed to be more communicative
with me. Sensing that she would have to
actually put some effort into our rela-
tionship she cussed me out, belittling
me for being weak-minded and not man
enough for her. She knew how to break
me, by saying I wasn’t man enough. I
told her about my father so… she knew.

107/321

I told her to leave at that point. Just to
spite me she confessed she'd been
cheating on me those last seven months
of our relationship.

"That's when things got really bad

for me. But, anyways, what I'm trying to
say is, with you it's different. I don't feel
like I have to grovel at your feet to have
you care about me like it was with my
ex. We are on the same level, even
though to others we might seem too dif-
ferent for them to understand. And I
can deal with all that mess from people
if you and I end up being committed to
each other in the future. I can deal with
attitudes or comments from people if I
know that I can have the peace
and...rightness that I feel when I'm with
you. Is 'rightness' even a word?" Gavin
smiled unsurely at me.

108/321

"I think so," I said with a grin.
He'd said it. It took him forever to

finally get to it, but he said the right
thing. He could deal with our differ-
ences. It was good to hear it. I just
hoped that he could actually follow
through. I had to admit to myself that I
was falling for him just as hard as he
was falling for me, but I sure as hell
wasn’t going to admit it to Gavin. This
is only our second date! One of us has to
pretend our feelings are progressing
normally instead of freakily fast, and I
guess that person is going to have to be
me. I’ve never met a guy like Gavin. He
wears his heart on his sleeve, which is
dangerous. A sweetheart like him is just
as easy to love as he is to screw over. It
sounds like a lot of selfish people in his
past have done the latter. Looking into

109/321

his eyes I knew I could never take ad-
vantage of him, never.

I rested my head on his shoulder

again and watched the colors painting
the sky. "How about we promise not to
let age or race be an issue with us. Let's
never hold it against each other. Pinky
promise?"

"Promise," Gavin said as he

locked his pinky with mine. "Time for
us to go," Gavin sighed.

"What! Why?" I whined.
Gavin chuckled."You have to go to

work. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Life, reality, I guess I

have to go back to that. You know, I
wouldn't have to work if you would be
my sugar daddy already." I batted my
eyelashes at him.

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"If you want to be my sugar baby

then you've got to give me some
shugah." He joked.

Completely out of character, I

leaned in and quickly gave him a peck
on the lips. The startled look and goofy
smile he gave me was priceless! It was
just a brave joke, me kissing him, that I
didn't think was of any consequence ex-
cept to mess with him. But I saw in his
eyes, as they looked from my lips back
up to my eyes, that he wanted
something more serious. It felt like time
was slowing down as he leaned closer to
me and time halted altogether when his
lips met mine. I tingled all over, it was
electrifying. I never thought a guy's lips
could actually taste good! The only reas-
on I pulled away from the kiss was my
fear of getting fired from my job. "Oh

111/321

no! I'm going to be late for work!" I
stood up and slipped my flip flops back
on. Gavin reached out and grabbed my
hand and looked up at me to protest.

"No! No! I'll be your sugar daddy!

Don't go!"

I smiled and started to walk away

with him still holding onto my hand. I
laughed as he held onto my hand as I
walked away until it was impossible for
him to stretch his arm any farther from
where he was sitting. Then he plopped
backwards into the sand, groaned
loudly as he lay there on his back, and
yelled 'Cazzo!' to the sky: Damn it!

112/321

CHAPTER SEVEN

“Sooo…Mom,” I said through a

mouthful of frosted flakes cereal as I sat
across from her at the breakfast table.
“Did I tell you I’m dating a white,
29-year-old man?”

My mother abruptly stopped

chewing and looked up at me. “Say
what?”

“He’s a successful marketing

manager at Impera advertisement. If
that makes it any better.” I shoved an-
other spoonful of cereal into my mouth.
My mom isn’t money hungry. She just
sees that on this planet a big key to hap-
piness is money. I thought pointing out

he had a well-paying job would soften
her up to the idea.

“Shoveling cereal into your mouth

is not going to stop you from answering
any of my questions so you just finish
that mouthful and put your spoon
down.”

I garbled some words of protest

and then chewed and swallowed my
food.

“Now,” my mother began, “I

know you don’t want to hear this, but
I’m your mother and I don’t care what
the hell you want to hear. I have to tell
you what you need to hear. A man his
age is using a girl like you. You’re inno-
cent and trusting.”

At that point I snickered in-

wardly. Innocent and trusting? If only
she knew the disgraceful things I said to

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him and the intrusive questioning I’d
put the man through.

“He thinks he can get control of

you and possess you because you’re so
young. You should ask yourself why he
can’t find a woman his own age that
wants to be with him.” I cocked an eye-
brow at her. “Don’t look at me with that
tone of voice!”

I smiled at her phrase. “I under-

stand your concern, Mom. You’ve given
me something to think about. I just
wanted you to know what was going on
in my life lately. You know I’m mature,
got my head on straight. I’m no floozy. I
really feel that Gavin is…good. He re-
spects me and I respect him. We even
pinky promised we wouldn’t hold our
differences against one another.”

115/321

“You pinky promised?” she said

contemptuously.

I mentally slapped myself again

and again and again. It’s impossible to
prove to your parents that you’re a re-
sponsible adult because you’ll always be
their child. It is especially hard when
you mention a pinky promise. “About
what you said earlier, Mom, it’s not that
he can’t pick on someone his own size.
He was in a relationship with a woman
for two years and it didn’t work out and
he’s been single for a year and a half.”

“I'm not trying to be hurtful but,”
Oh no. I’ve heard those words

before.

“Maybe you might be some sort of

rebound relationship. Was his last girl-
friend white?”

I nodded solemnly.

116/321

“It’s like ‘stickin’ it to The Man’

but he’s ‘stickin’ it to The Woman’. He’s
going out with someone younger and
with someone of a different race. How
can she compete with that? It’s the per-
fect way to get her riled up.”

“But…he broke up with her. He

doesn’t want her back.”

My

mother

shrugged

her

shoulders and took a bite of her
scrambled eggs. “Doesn’t matter. Love
doesn’t disappear; it just gets pushed
down and away. I know what I’m talk-
ing about after dealing with your father
leaving us.” Seeing the look on my face
she softened her approach. “Sweetie, I
just want you to be careful. It’s rough
out there. You don’t need a guy right
now messing with your mind. Concen-
trate on getting into med school and

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being able to buy what you need and
want without having to scrimp and save
like I’ve had to. Thank God you have a
good job at Dennison’s and scholarships
from school so I don’t have to worry
about you’re next meal anymore.”

I smiled sadly at her. “Love you,”

I said.

“Love you, too."
I quietly finished my cereal,

grabbed my book bag and got in my car
to head to school. I don't think I heard a
word my professor said that Friday
morning.

Friday night at work I couldn't fo-

cus. I forgot to actually bag a customer's
food. I just swiped the items and gave
her the total. The customer pointed out
that I hadn't bagged her items, speaking
to me as if I were retarded. Usually I

118/321

would have said something back, but
my mind was too preoccupied to think
of a clever defamation. I was so distrac-
ted because I needed to talk to Gavin. I
needed to talk to him so he could an-
swer all the questions. I knew my mom
was wrong. She had to be.

My prayers were answered when I

saw Gavin walk through the automatic
doors of the grocery store. He waved at
me, smiling, and grabbed a cart to do
his shopping. As he pushed his cart to-
ward the aisles he turned his head to
look at me. He mouthed ‘Are you okay?’
I nodded. He didn’t seem assured by my
response but he went on with his shop-
ping. Twenty minutes later when he
came to my checkout counter he had a
different expression on his face, kind of
like he had a good joke he was anxious

119/321

to tell. He looked so gorgeous. He was
still wearing his work attire; a light grey
dress shirt with maroon pin stripes, a
black belt, and grey dress pants. “Hey,”
I said with a small smile.

“I want to kiss you, ya know?” He

said in a hushed voice. “I’d lean over the
counter, but I don’t want you to get
fired.” I mustered up a weak smile and
continued swiping items over the scan-
ner. As I swiped the frozen pizza Gavin
reached over the counter and grasped
my wrist. I flinched, my eyes glued on
his hand, the olive skin of his hand con-
trast against my brown skin. The frozen
pizza box dropped from my hand and
Gavin interlocked his fingers with mine.
“Sydney?” I looked up at him. “Why are
you…What’s wrong?”

“I…I need to talk to you.”

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“Okay. I’m all ears.”
“No, not here. Maybe…Could I

come over? Tomorrow?”

Gavin nodded and let go of my

hand. I took a deep breath and finished
scanning. “You’re total is $28.54.” Gav-
in dug into his pocket to get his wallet. I
opened my hand for the money and in-
stead received pearly white sand dol-
lars. Four pristine discs, smooth and
light weight, as well as perfectly round
and intact. A big smile spread across my
lips. Where did he get these? Did he
keep looking on the beach after I’d left?

“There was a gift shop on the

beach about three hundred feet away
from where we were sitting.”

“I don’t remember seeing a gift

shop.”

121/321

“Yeah, I didn’t see it at first

either. I guess we were both distracted.”
He grinned and I grinned back. He paid
for his groceries and we agreed on a
time that I could stop by on Saturday.
“I’ll see ya, Sydney.”

***

As soon as he answered the door,

wearing a blue t-shirt and white and
blue basketball shorts, he cupped my
face between his hands and planted a
kiss on me so delicious and so euphoric
that my eyes couldn’t focus for awhile.
“You look great,” Gavin said after we
both caught our breaths. I was only
wearing a green tank top, jean Bermuda
shorts and some flip flops so I’m not
sure what was so great about that. I

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found my way to the couch in the living
room and when I could once again see
straight I noticed the layout of his
apartment.

The living room and kitchen were

open and flowed together and were
flanked by a hall way on each side. The
kitchen had gray granite countertops,
wood cabinets, and stainless steel appli-
ances. A glass table with an antique iron
stand sat in the middle. The living room
had chocolate brown leather couches
sitting away from the eggshell walls of
the hardwood floored room. Two tall
bronze lamps with white glass shades
stood on each side of the wall in front of
the couch where a plasma TV hung
above a decorative non-functioning fire-
place. Everything was very mature and
clean. I didn’t even see an errant pen on

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a table or a bit of mail on the counter. It
was straight out of a catalog. I didn’t
like it.

“You should see my room,” Gavin

suggested. He led me to the hall on the
left, past the kitchen and towards a door
on the right of the hallway. His bed-
room was crisp with its cream walls and
fresh white bedding on his king sized
bed. The bed head and head board was
a bold black leather. I stood in the door-
way and observed the room. I didn’t
want to sit on his bed and have him
think that was some sort of invitation.
On the mahogany night tables stood
white marble figurines of the Greco-Ro-
man gods Dionysus and Apollo. Gavin
noticed me looking at the sculptures
and said, "Dionysus is the god of merri-
ment. I bought that five years ago and it

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kind of symbolizes my old party hardy
life. I bought Apollo a couple months
ago. He's the god of light. An expert
archer and prophesier he could only
speak the truth. That is a symbol of the
way I’m trying to live my life now; being
truthful to myself and my needs in life.”

“Nice,” I commented. “What are

those?” I asked pointing to the six small
pillows that sat in front of the two bed
pillows.

“Those are just for decoration,” he

smiled. I had to stop myself from flat
out laughing. Hadn’t I predicted this ex-
actly? Actually, the decorative pillows
didn’t look bad at all. In fact, I wouldn’t
mind them if, say, we moved in together
some day far into the future.

“Can we go back into the living

room and talk?”

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“Yeah,” Gavin said reluctantly. He

knew I wanted to have a serious talk
with him. That kiss he gave me earlier
was probably to throw me off course.

We went back into the living

room and we sat on the soft couches. I
wondered to myself if I blended into the
brown couch. All of a sudden something
jumped on me. I slapped a hand over
my mouth so I wouldn't scream and
provoke the animal to jump up and claw
my face.

"Belle likes you," Gavin grinned,

"She wants to say hi." Once I got a look
at Belle’s sweet face I relaxed, realizing
she meant no harm. Then she jumped
over to Gavin for some attention and
then hopped off the couch and walked
off to somewhere else in the apartment.

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“Okay, first question,” I started,

“Did you clean up a bit before I got
here?”

“Yeah, I was trying to make a

good impression,” he smiled.

“Good. I was thinking you were a

bit obsessive compulsive for a minute
there.” I gave him a weak smile. I knew
I needed to talk to him about all the
questions I had, but all I saw was inno-
cence in his soft green eyes. I was con-
flicted. Elizabeth was encouraging me,
practically pushing me, to be in a rela-
tionship with Gavin. My mother be-
lieved he was using me as a rebound.
Elizabeth had a fairytale idea about me
and Gavin. She married her high school
sweetheart so she’s very much a ro-
mantic. My mother is a woman scorned;
very pessimistic about relationships. I

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was being pulled in two extreme direc-
tions. I needed something in the
middle. I should be trusting and yet
cautious. I hate these games.

“Sydney,” Gavin interrupted my

thoughts. “You’ve been kind of distant
lately. Um…I keep thinking you’re
about to break up with me or
something,” he laughed nervously. Oh,
look what I’m putting him through! He
thinks I’m going to break up with him.
Wait, so we’re officially going out?

“We’re going out? Like, boyfriend

and girlfriend?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I thought we

could be if…you wanted to…still.”

“Yes,” I smiled, “I want that.” I

was rewarded with a big hug from Gav-
in. While we hugged I told him, “I’m
sorry I’ve been acting weird lately. This

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is my first real relationship, you know?
So I have a lot of things on my mind.
And now we’re officially together. I
don’t know what to expect.”

“Believe it or not, I’m scared too.”
“I didn’t say I was scared, per se.”
Gavin laughed and pulled away

from the hug. He ran a hand through
his dark hair. He’s so sexy when he does
that!

“Gavin? I think that we should

have…the sex talk.”

“I know. When a man and woman

love each other verrrrry much—Ah!”

I’d poked him in his side with my

pointer finger. He smiled at me. “Now I
know where you’re ticklish so pay atten-
tion, mister!” I warned. Gavin nodded.
“So, in all seriousness,” I looked down
at my hands that were now folded in my

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lap, “When I was in high school I made
a promise to myself that I would save
myself for the guy that would be my
husband. And…I’ve had plenty of time
to go back on that commitment but I
haven’t because I’ve seen that it’s the
only way I know how to find the right
person. It’s the only way I could pos-
sibly live my life with someone else; if I
know that they love me enough, that
they respect me enough, to wait. To
wait for me.”

I looked up at him. At first I

thought he looked angry because his
eyebrows were a little furrowed, but he
was staring at me with this pensive
look. He shook his head from side to
side. And then he kissed me, not a
hungry kiss like before. It was so
tender, the way he softly grazed his lips

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across mine. He pulled away and
whispered, “How could I not?”

131/321

CHAPTER EIGHT

“Me, when I was a couple months

old. Rockin’ the onesie and the booties.”

“Awww. Baby Gavin!”
“This is a picture of me when I

was five with my Mom and Dad.”

“Oh my gosh, you have a mullet!”
“I prefer to call it a shlong, thank

you.”

“Hahahaha! A what?”
“Short in the front, long in the

back: shlong. It was the eighties. This is
me when I was…twelve, I think. I know
I was in middle school because this was
the Christmas Concert. I played the
trumpet.”

“Cool! I played trumpet too.”

“Really? Wow. See the girl sitting

beside me at the concert? I had a huge
crush on her.” I studied the angelic face
of the little white girl with curly auburn
locks and dimples in each cheek. “I
guess I’ll always be a sucker for female
trumpeters.”

“Let’s see some embarrassing

high school pictures already!”

“Let’s see. Here’s one.”
“What the hell? This isn’t embar-

rassing, you look great! And you have
that little mole above your lip. And your
hair was so much longer.”

“Yeah. Here’s me on the track

team.”

“Wow.”
“What?”
“I don’t know. You just look really

good in this picture, kind of sweaty with

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some of your hair stuck to your fore-
head. And those short shorts…”

“Um, I still jog some mornings.” I

winked at him in reply. He cleared his
throat and continued flipping through
pictures. “Here’s me being a beach bum
with some of my high school friends.”
He was sitting in the sand with just
board shorts on. He was very well
tanned and his chest and abs were very
well defined. I wondered if he still
looked like that underneath the t-shirt
he was wearing. I know he isn’t as tan.
In the photo he was surrounded by a
bunch of other long haired, well tanned
beach pals. Then he turned to some
prom pictures.

“Me and my prom date and my

high school crew.” Gavin was in a black
tux, looking handsome as usual, his

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date was in a hot pink halter prom dress
and had her blonde curls piled on top of
her hair in some sort of styling. She was
quite thin. I couldn’t help but notice
that all of his friends in the picture
looked like the type of people I wouldn’t
have liked to hang out with when I was
in high school. How could I get along
with his friends if he was still friends
with these people? Maybe I’m just being
stereotypical for thinking that just be-
cause their jocks their not cool people,
but…I don’t know.

“Okay, now let’s move on to the

college days. Here is me and my best
friend Jay. We met when we were as-
signed to be each other’s roommate my
first year. We hit it off and we’ve been
friends ever since.” In the picture he
and Jay seemed to be at a home football

135/321

game in the bleachers. They were being
silly, posing like they were hood, trying
to look hard but not really succeeding.
Jay is black. Well, mixed anyways. I felt
a bit of a weight off of my shoulders.
His best friend was mixed so perhaps
Jay and I would get along. Or not, who
knows. Gavin scanned through some
other pictures of him and Jay. And then
he came to a picture of he and a bru-
nette woman dancing together very
close. The weight that was taken off my
shoulders was then transferred onto my
chest. “How’d this get in here? I thought
I’d gotten rid of all of these,” Gavin said
in a strangely reserved manner.

“Is that…?”
“Elise.”
He sure looked happy with Elise.

She was wearing a white tank top and a

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red and orange sarong around her
waist. She was very leggy and had a
large chest. Larger than mine anyways.
It looked like they were at some Hawaii-
an themed bar, dancing and smiling.
Gavin had one hand at her back and one
at her neck, his fingers buried in her
long brown hair. Their faces were
inches away from one another. I started
to feel nauseous.

It really hit me that he’d gone out

with only white women before me. And
he was only with me after some life al-
tering bout of depression. Did he think
that I was all he could get now that his
spirit had been broken? Was being with
me some subconscious decision to
abandon the idea of the perfect same-
race relationship he had once sought?
My mind was reeling.

137/321

“Looking at this, I don’t know

what I ever saw in her. I think it was
probably something very stupid and su-
perficial about me which led me to her.”

“Are you going to rip it up

already?” I said with a tinge of attitude.

Gavin looked at me and then back

at the picture. He pulled it out of its
sleeve and ripped it into eight little rect-
angular pieces. My mood changed for
the better when he got up and ceremo-
niously threw it at the fake fireplace.
We both chuckled. The weight was lif-
ted off again.

***

Gavin and I walked slowly into

the dining room holding hands. “Good
afternoon, Ms. Lenton. Nice to finally

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meet you. You have an amazing daugh-
ter,” Gavin smiled. Ms. Lenton rose
from her seat at the dining room table
and I watched as her hands rose to
strangle him. I instinctively jumped in
front of Gavin. "Nooo!" My mother gave
me an annoyed look.

“Girl, move so I can give the man

a hug!”

“A hug? Oh, a hug is fine. Heh, no

problem,” I inched away. I watched as
my mom and my boyfriend hugged each
other and sat around the table getting
acquainted. They talked about work and
401(k)’s and backaches. Not once was
my name mentioned. I guess that
means the two grown-ups were getting
along well. After half an hour listening
to them talk I felt that they were getting
along too well. Then I realized for the

139/321

first time that my mom is only nine
years older than him. It creeped me out
so much that for the first time in thirty
minutes Gavin and my mother took no-
tice of me.

“Sydney, are you okay?” Gavin

asked. “Why did you make that little
squeak sound?”

“Oh,

that’s

Sydney’s

mouse

squeak. She does that sometimes when
she’s nervous or scared or shocked. Just
give her some time to recover and she’ll
be fine, dear.”

Gavin looked worriedly at me. I

nodded at him to let him know I was al-
right and then he went back to talking
with my mother. I was mad that I humi-
liated myself twice in an hour. First I
lunged in front of Gavin like a maniac
and then I did that stupid mouse

140/321

squeak thing that I do unconsciously. At
some point I got up from the table and
wandered around the house and into
my room. I sat in my comfy red chair
and tried not to think about Gavin’s age.
I promised I wouldn’t hold that against
him. He’s only trying to relate to my
mom and make a good impression. He’s
not that serious when we’re together. I
should be happy he and my mom get
along. There was a soft knock at my
door followed by Gavin stepping into
my room.

Once I saw him standing there my

worries melted away. I can’t help but
smile when I see him. Every time we’re
together I have to pinch myself because
I feel like it can’t be real to have this
wonderful guy actually care about me as
much as he does. I daydream about us

141/321

being on some island in the Caribbean
together, walking down the beach hand
in hand, feeling really comfortable and
settled down. I can’t wait to introduce
him to Elizabeth or to show him off to
random people on the street even!
When I think about how Elise hurt him
I feel the hurt for him too.

I find that my emotions are get-

ting wrapped up with his. Not in an un-
healthy way where I’d do absolutely any
crazy thing to make it better but, close
enough. I’m ashamed to say that I get
teary-eyed sometimes when he hugs me
or when he kisses me. I feel so lucky. I
think I’m in…I think I like him more
than I thought was possible. I watched
as Gavin glanced around my room.
Then he walked over to me where I was

142/321

seated in my plush chair and sat
squarely on my lap.

“You’re freakin’ heavy! Get off be-

fore you break my legs!” Laughing, Gav-
in got off of me and I scooted over to
make room for him. He sat down in the
space beside me with his back against
the arm of the chair and his legs across
my lap and hanging off the opposite
arm of the chair. “You are a big baby,
you know that?” I grumbled.

“Yeah, but I’m your baby, right?”
I could only smile at that. He gave

me a peck on the lips and then stood
from the chair to look closely at the
posters on my wall. “I thought you said
Lenny Kravitz is your favorite artist.
Why don’t you have any pictures of him
on your walls?”

143/321

“Out of respect, I guess. That way

I’ll concentrate on his music and not get
obsessed about his face. I don’t know, I
just don’t want to be that type of crazy
fan. Now that I think about it, I don’t
think it made a difference. I’m still
pretty smitten by him.”

Gavin looked around my room

some more. “Your room reminds me of
my own room when I was your age. I—“
Gavin was cut off by the piercing glare I
was giving him. “Nevermind,” he
sighed. “I’m sorry,” Gavin said with
puppy dog eyes. He walked over to me,
took my hands and pulled me from the
chair. He hugged me and kissed me on
the neck. “I can’t believe I said that,
Sydney. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I made my-
self

sound

like

your

father

or

something.” He kissed me several more

144/321

times on the neck and on the cheek and
slowly twirled us in a circle. “I’m an idi-
ot. You’re not going to leave me are
you?” he joked. “Oh don’t leave me!
Baby, baby, please!” Then somehow he
pushed us both onto my bed. By that
time I was giggling and not at all mad at
him. Next thing you know it turned into
a make-out session that got a little
heavy when Gavin kind of found his
way on top of me and I had to quickly
draw the line. We sat up, straightened
our clothes, combed our fingers through
our hair, and sat cross-legged on my
bed. He apologized profusely. It was
quite disconcerting.

“You know I’m sorry, right

Sydney? I’m just a screw up sometimes.
Give me another chance though, it

145/321

won’t happen again, I promise. Just
hang in there with me.”

“Whoa! Slow down, Gavin. It’s

okay. You really think that, don’t you? I
mean, I know you were just kidding but,
this is the third time you’ve brought it
up that I might up and leave you.”

“Really?”
“Yes. Is that your main insecurity,

then?”

“I guess it is.”
“Think really hard all the way into

your childhood and tell me what is the
most scared you’ve ever been?”

“Okay, Ummm, this is kind of

weird but, there was this time when I
was about seven or eight. It was around
Christmas time because I remember the
decorations were up in the mall and
there were so many people there

146/321

shopping. My mother and I were look-
ing for a gift for my dad so we went into
this store, I can’t remember the name of
it, but we went in and somehow I got
distracted by something I saw and I
wandered off and got lost. By the time I
realized I was lost I just kind of froze. I
was so frightened. You would think I
would go up to one of the sales clerks
and ask for help. Or maybe I should
have started crying and looking pathetic
so someone would help me, but instead
I just stood there. I remember thinking,
How could I be so stupid? Now I’m lost
and my mother is going to be pissed.”
Gavin chuckled. “Eventually somebody
spotted me, and my mother and I were
reunited.”

“Alright, that’s a great example of

what I’m talking about. You made a

147/321

mistake and immediately you called
yourself stupid. So, even before that
happened

I

think

someone

said

something to you that made you feel
like you weren’t smart.”

Gavin shrugged

. “

My dad said a

few things I’m sure but I can’t really re-
member something in particular from
when I was that young

.”

I smiled at him. “That’s okay.

Sorry, don’t get all worried about it. I
was just curious.”

“So, what about you? What’s the

most scared you’ve ever been?”

I laughed. “I’ve already analyzed

myself just so you know. The most
scared I’ve ever been was the day my
dad walked out on my mother and I.
They were arguing and my dad pulled
out a duffel bag and started stuffing his

148/321

things into it. I saw him heading for the
door and I was so distraught because I
didn’t want to see him go. So I threw a
fit and threw my little eleven-year-old
self onto his leg and tried to pry the bag
out of his hand. At that point my dad
grabbed my arm, hard, and pushed me
away from him which resulted in me
falling flat on my butt onto the floor. I
remember looking up at him in horror.
He just looked at me for a second and
then headed out the door, not at all re-
morseful. And that is the story of why I
am so defensive. I never know when
someone might decide to turn on me.”

“You don’t have to worry about

that from me, okay?” Gavin kissed me
on the temple. I closed my eyes and
smiled and nodded. I wasn’t worried.

149/321

He’d be there for me and I’d be there for
him.

“Gavin, how bad did the depres-

sion get? I want to know what to expect
if something happens to you, so I’ll
know how to handle things and take
care of you.”

“God, no, Sydney, don’t think

that. I’m fine now. You don’t have to
take care of me. I’d never let you do
something like that.” I gave him a look
that said, Are you going to answer my
question or what? He let out a sigh and
looked over at my bedroom window. It
was around seven so it was getting dark
outside. As he looked out the window he
told me, “I just couldn’t get out of bed
for a while, is all. Don’t worry about me,
okay?” He looked back at me. “What
about you? I want you to find what

150/321

you’re passionate about. Don’t just be-
come a doctor because it’s practical.
What’s good for your mother is not
good for you.”

“I’m passionate about you, can’t

that be enough?” I smirked. Gavin gave
me a little scolding look. “Alright. Uh, I
do like helping people.”

“You

should

be

a

psychotherapist.”

“A what?!”
“Seriously, I think you’re really

good at reading people. Like what you
did earlier with me. Your very percept-
ive and thoughtful and funny and smart
and beautiful and—“

“Okay okay!” I grinned, “I’ll think

about it.” Just then my cell phone star-
ted ringing. It was Elizabeth and I could
hear Sara crying in the background.

151/321

Elizabeth was stressed and Evan was at
work so she was feeling overwhelmed. I
finished talking with Liz and turned to
Gavin. “Liz is having trouble getting
Sara to bed. I need to go over there and
calm both Liz and Sara down. Do you
want to come with me?” Gavin nodded.

152/321

CHAPTER NINE

The two walked into the Roth

home to hear Sara’s wails and Eliza-
beth’s sobs. Elizabeth stood up from the
couch Sydney walked over to her. She
hugged her best friend and told her it
would be okay. Then she went over to
the crib where Sara lay. Elizabeth, tears
still running down her face, exhausted,
waved a limp hand at Gavin. Gavin
went over and gave Elizabeth a hug. It
was all he knew to do since he had no
idea how to calm the baby down.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like

this. I wish our first meeting were a
little less noisy.”

“Don’t apologize for anything. It’s

great to finally meet you.” They both

pulled out of the hug and sat on the
couch to watch Sydney.

“Miss Sara Roth, I don’t appreci-

ate you treating your mother this way,”
Sydney said while looking down at her
niece in the crib. Her chubby face was
mottled and red from crying. When she
heard her auntie’s stern voice her eyes
opened and the volume went down a
little on her cries. Gavin watched as she
picked Sara up and held her in her
arms. She kissed Sara all over her face.
“Stop that crying,” she said softly. “You
too, Liz.” Elizabeth smiled sadly. “I
know, Baby Sara. You’re sad because
mommy is sad and daddy is away. But
being a human siren is not going to help
her. Help mommy out and get some
sleep.” Sydney walked over to the couch
and sat beside Gavin. Gavin’s arm

154/321

reflexively wrapped around her waist to
pull her closer and he watched as Sara
was expertly quieted down and soothed
to sleep.

Watching Sydney with her god-

daughter put Gavin on Cloud 9. At that
moment everything he’d been feeling
and thinking clicked. He kissed Sydney
lovingly on the cheek. She gave him a
curious smile and got up to give Eliza-
beth her now sleeping baby daughter.
Elizabeth smiled down at her baby and
placed her gently back into her crib.

“I

love

my

niece,”

Sydney

whispered to Gavin, “but I couldn’t do
what Liz does every day. I couldn’t be in
her situation. Especially with Evan
working so much, sometimes it’s like
she’s a single mother. I just can’t take
the chance to ever feel that way.” Gavin

155/321

nodded. Elizabeth returned and sat
with them on the couch.

“Liz, I know it’s hard right now.

However, you can’t find yourself feeling
this way every night that Evan is at
work because there is going to be many
more of these nights.”

“I know, Sydney. I sort of had an

argument with Evan before he left for
work this evening. I just want him to be
a home a little more. I think Sara felt
that I was upset.”

“Oh, Liz. I think you owe Evan a

big apology. It’s hard for Evan too, be-
ing away from his girls so much.”

Elizabeth smoothed down her

long wavy black hair with her hand and
nodded.

156/321

“Don’t you think you’re being a

little hard on her, Sydney?” Gavin
questioned.

“No,” Sydney stated bluntly.
“Um, Sydney, I know I’m a guy so

I don’t know exactly what she’s going
through as a mom, but I can’t imagine
how hard it is for her right now.”

“Of course I know how hard it is,

Gavin, and it is not going to get any
easier. I’m not telling Liz something she
doesn’t already know or that we haven’t
already discussed. I understand com-
pletely that she feels alone right now
but I know Evan. He is a good husband
and a good father just trying to provide
for them. Still, every mother has to be
able to handle it by themselves.” Sydney
turned to Liz. “Right, Liz?”

157/321

“Sydney’s right, Gavin. I need to

be strong for myself and Sara.”

Sydney gave Liz a hug. Gavin

looked on feeling left out and a bit hurt.
Did Sydney think he would do that;
walk out on her and leave her to raise
their child on her own? She was angry
at him for being a guy, basically. He un-
derstood that her father hadn’t taken
care of his responsibilities but it hurt to
have her frustrations with deadbeat
men directed at him. He couldn’t ima-
gine doing that to her. Doesn’t she
know how much he cares about her?
When Sydney pulled out of the hug with
Liz he was surprised to see that Sydney
had tears in her eyes. Then she wrapped
her arms around his neck to hug him
too. He squeezed her tight as she buried
her wet face into his neck.

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“I’m sorry I seemed mad at you,

Gavin. Sometimes I have to be tough
about things, especially since I’m a wo-
man. Liz and I are trying to stay strong
without pushing away the good men we
have in our lives. I appreciate you, I
really do.”

“Shhh, it’s alright, I understand.

You don’t have to take it all on your
shoulders.

I

have

perfectly

good

shoulders I wouldn’t mind using,
okay?” Sydney looked up at him and he
gave her a quick kiss. “Liz, I think when
you talk to Evan he’ll tell you the same,”
he smiled.

Elizabeth took a deep breath and

smiled. “So, you two have an an-
niversary coming up, huh? Next week
will be a month. I’m so excited for you
two!”

159/321

“Time flies. I can’t believe it’s

been a month already.”

“Yeah, it has,” Gavin grinned.

Sydney was sitting leaned against him
with her back against his chest.

“This is so weird for me to think

that I’m with someone. But I guess
that’s not new for you, Gavin. You’ve
been in a long-term relationship
before.”

“Yeah, but this is so different. The

sum of all of the good things I thought I
felt in two years I’ve felt with you in less
than a month.”

“Awwwww! You two are so cute!

We should meet up again. Maybe we
could have a double date! How fun
would that be!” Gavin and Sydney
agreed. “Oh! I’ll need to get a
babysitter.”

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“I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind

spending

time

with

her

adopted

granddaughter.”

“How perfect! I’ll get a break from

being Mommy and you and Gavin can
see Evan. Sydney, you haven’t seen him
in, like, a month so that should be cool.”

Sydney nodded.

***

“Nice to see you Gavin. It’s been a

while.”

“Good to see you too.”
“If you would accept any of my in-

vitations to some of my exhibition
opening parties we’d have seen each
other sooner,” Jay suggested.

“I know. You know I can’t handle

that party scene anymore.”

161/321

Jay frowned.

“Man, I’m telling you I love this

girl. I knew from the start, but when I
saw her with her niece the other day, I
really knew. It was a glimpse of the fu-
ture, you know?”

“Uhh, no.”
“Jay!” Gavin laughed.
“Sorry, but babies aren’t appeal-

ing to me. I’m happy for you though.”

“And Jay, she wanted to know

about how it was for me after Elise and
all, and she told me she would be there
if it ever happened again. Jay, that was
my number one fear; that it would hap-
pen again.”

“I know.”
“I told her she wouldn’t have to

do that but it made me feel so much
lighter. Now I’m not afraid of it

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anymore because I know that, no mat-
ter what, it’ll be okay. I don’t even think
I have to worry about my depression
anymore because she makes me so
happy. Oh, there she is!”

“Hey, Gavin,” she beamed. Gavin

stood up from the booth and hugged
her. Sydney smiled and waved at Jason
over Gavin’s shoulder. He gave an in-
sincere smile back. Gavin held Sydney’s
hand as she slid into the booth and then
he slid in next to her.

“So you’re the Sydney,” Jay said

giving her a sharp look with his hazel
eyes.

“And you’re the Jay,” Sydney

smiled coolly.

“How old are you again?”
Sydney could see Gavin glaring at

Jay out of the corner of her eye but she

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kept her eyes on Jay. What Jay didn’t
know was that, although she was young,
she could handle herself. She wasn’t a
stranger to defending herself and she
wasn’t going to run away crying or look
helplessly to Gavin to stand up for her.
She was just about to say something
snippy when she realized she didn’t
need to. She wasn’t even that pissed and
what good would it do? It would make
Jay annoyed and hurt Gavin. She
smiled a little because she was proud of
herself for thinking of a better way to
handle it.

“Yes. I am the nineteen-year-old

girl that Gavin won’t shut up about.” At
that Jay gave her a blank look. She
knew she’d hit the issue on the head.
Then she saw his jaw tighten and he
leaned back against his chair. For the

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first time Sydney noticed that Jason
was actually a handsome guy. His
brown hair was out in a wavy fro and
his hazel eyes with his caramel skin
were striking. She was sure he had the
ladies lined up. From what Gavin had
told her, she knew that was true, but
she was also sure it was fear that was
keeping him a member of the player’s
club. The waitress came and they gave
her the orders. “So I hear they have
really good food here. I’m sure you’ve
brought a few dates here yourself.”

Jason smirked. “I sure have.”
“One, two, three dates and their

out,” Gavin said under his breath.

“Really? Three dates is the

longest you’ve seen a girl?” Sydney
questioned Jay.

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“No. It’s the maximum amount of

money I’ll spend on one.”

For a moment Sydney was taken

aback. This jerk was Gavin’s best
friend? Why was Gavin still talking to
this fool?

“So I guess it never gets challen-

ging for you in a relationship. Can I
even call them relationships?”

“Guess not.” Jay shrugged.
“Gavin and I have had our issues,

most of them mine.” Gavin gave her a
shocked look and shook his head saying
‘no’. “But we got through them and
that’s what makes our relationship bet-
ter. Stronger. Gavin and I have to be
strong, especially because we’re an in-
terracial couple. You understand that of
course.”

166/321

Sincerity flickered in his hazel

eyes. “Yeah, I do. My mom and dad
have been together for thirty-two years.
I know how it is first hand.” Finally the
waitress arrived with the food and they
all began eating. The mood felt lighter
now between the three.

“As I was saying Jay, good rela-

tionships have their challenges. For ex-
ample, you and Gavin have been friends
for a long time. You don’t always agree
and you’ve had your challenges. You
stuck by him through his depression.”
Jay nodded. “Getting past that initial
fear and being there for him through it
all wasn’t for nothing.”

“You’re right,” Jay said. He

looked at Gavin thoughtfully. “We’ll al-
ways be best friends, man. Even when

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you grow up and I’m still juvenile and
jealous.”

“I knew you loved me!” Gavin

smiled

“No sir!”
Gavin frowned. “Well, at least

Sydney loves me.”

“Whoa there tiger!” Sydney joked.

Gavin gave them both a fake hurt look.

“Man, he’s so needy isn’t he?”

Jason complained.

“I know!” Sydney agreed. “And so

anal retentive! Always primping and
fixing and combing his luxurious locks!”

Jason did a goofy impression of

Gavin looking in a mirror and running
his hand through his hair like a Greaser.
Jason pretended to see a hair out of
place. “Cazzo!” he cursed and smacked

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the imaginary hair down. Sydney burst
out laughing.

“Cazzo!” She repeated laughing.
“Yah know what?” Gavin pro-

tested “You people get on my nerves.“

“You people?!” Jay and Sydney

said in unison giving him a dirty look.

“You mean, you black people,

don’t you?” Sydney pretended to be of-
fended. Jay stuck out his chin and gave
Gavin a menacing look. The subsequent
laughter from all three caused nearby
diners to look over at them curiously.

“Yo, Gavin. Your girl ain’t half

bad.”

“Emphasis on my girl. Stop ogling

her!” Gavin wrapped an arm around her
waist protectively and kissed her on the
cheek. Jay smiled and gave a friendly
wink to Sydney. She winked back.

169/321

"Um, I have to go boys. I gotta get

to work."

"Aw man!" Jay and Gavin said.

The three stood up from the booth and
Sydney gave the two men a hug and
hurried off to work. Gavin and Jay sat
back down.

"Do you plan on apologizing or do

I have to kick your ass?" Gavin said flip-
pantly before popping one of the pep-
permints the waitress had given them
into his mouth. Jason gave him an
angry astonished look as Gavin rolled
the peppermint around in his mouth.

“I’m not going to apologize for

looking out for you!”

Gavin crunched down hard on his

peppermint. “Are you kidding me? Even
though in the end you warmed up to the
idea of Sydney, the moment you met

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her you didn’t show her any respect
whatsoever. You shouldn’t have grilled
her like that.”

Jason leaned forward and pointed

at Gavin. “I’m trying to look out for you.
That’s all I’ve ever been trying to do. At
first I got the sense that Sydney was an-
other Elise, some pretty girl looking for
a free ride out of you.”

“You hardly gave Sydney a

chance. I’m surprised she didn’t rip you
a new one. The only reason I can think
of for her putting up with your attitude
today was the fact that she really cares
about me.”

“You don’t think I do too?”
“Jason, that’s not what I’m

saying.”

“No, I think I’m hearing exactly

what you’re saying. I stick by your side

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no matter how miserable you get or how
you can’t seem to pencil me into your
busy life schedule and as usual I get
reprimanded like an ignorant child!”
Gavin looked at him speechless. He had
no idea how angry Jay had been feeling
for a while now. They talked about
everything.

Why

didn’t

Jay

say

something long ago?

“Jason, I didn’t know. You never

told me you felt that way.”

“Of course you didn’t know!” Jay

said bitterly. “For someone so damn
sensitive you sure don’t know shit about
anyone else’s feelings.” He tossed a
twenty dollar bill onto the table and left
a guilt-ridden Gavin behind in the
restaurant.

***

172/321

“Oh no! He seriously said that?”
“Yes, and now he won’t answer

my calls. We’ve both been busy. I’ve had
work and, well, you. Jay’s been busy
with the photography gallery that he
opened. He never let on that he felt I
was putting other things ahead of him
or putting him down. The encourage-
ment I was giving him, to be wary of all
the time he was spending playing the
field and playing himself, he took that
as me belittling him. I’m his best friend!
I’m the one who’s supposed to tell him
the truth as a friend, not a critic. I’m so
angry at him but I feel so guilty at the
same time.”

“He probably just needs some

time to cool off. I feel weird about this.
When I left the restaurant I thought all
the issues had been settled but it looks

173/321

like I stirred up more than I thought.
He really doesn’t have to apologize to
me. I’m past it now.”

“No, sweetie. Don’t feel guilty

about this. Jay and I are the only one’s
responsible. Am I wrong to feel that he
should take responsibility for being
rude when it was in no way warranted?
He says he’s looking out for me but it’s
coming off as jealousy.”

“Maybe.”
Gavin sighed. “You’re right. I

should give him some time, but he’s
wrong if he thinks I’m the only one who
owes someone an apology.” Sydney
yawned. “Okay, I’ll take a hint,” Gavin
laughed.

“Sorry honey, it’s been a long

day.”

174/321

“Okay, goodnight Sydney. I…um,

I love you. So much.”

Sydney’s heart skipped a beat. It

was the first time he’d said this to her
not in a joking and casual manner. It
was the first time she’d heard it from
any guy.

The words had just fallen out.

Gavin wished he hadn’t said them over
the phone.

“I

love

you,

too,”

Sydney

answered softly, holding back tears.

He had to see her. “Sydney, just

stay awake for a few more minutes. I’m
coming over.” He hung up and raced his
way over to Sydney and Ms. Lenton’s
house. Sydney was there to open the
door for him. He could tell she had been
crying but she was smiling up at him
and he just wanted to hold her and be

175/321

with her so badly. She was wearing pink
sweat shorts, a white tank top, and her
hair was wrapped up in a scarf but she
still looked the goddess that she was,
the warm brown skin of her legs, arms,
her neck and her face glowing under the
starlight as she stood in the doorway.

They pulled each other close and

tight leaving no space between them.
All they felt was the warmth of thighs to
thighs, stomach to stomach, chest to
chest. His hand traveled under her tank
top to feel the smooth warm skin of her
waist. The touch sent shivers down her
spine. Her hands became buried in the
soft hair of his head as he kissed her at
her throat and his lips traveled down
leaving a trail of kisses. He was moving
them back from the doorway and into
the house and then his mouth found its

176/321

way to land a kiss right over her heart,
on the rise of her breast. Sydney tugged
at his hair to pull his face up to hers.
She knew what he was doing. She knew
he was trying to maneuver them into
her bedroom. She met his eyes. “You
know I can’t. Remember?”

Gavin’s grip on her loosened a bit

and he looked away from her and down
at her exposed shoulder. He nodded
slowly and then kissed her on the
shoulder. Then he drew himself from
the embrace leaving her suddenly
chilled by the central air in the living
room. He backed away and then turned
around to head out the door. Sydney
stood and watched, speechless, as he
sauntered towards the front door. Then
he turned back around, walked up and
put his lips on hers. “I love you,” he

177/321

said. Sydney nodded and Gavin left the
house.

178/321

CHAPTER TEN

Gavin felt like utter garbage. How

many relationships could he screw up in
one evening? He thought to himself that
Jay was right; he really was self ab-
sorbed. If he hadn’t been only thinking
of how it felt for him to hear Sydney say
those three words and how much he
wanted to be with her in every sense of
the word that night, then maybe Sydney
wouldn’t have felt like he hadn’t taken
her wishes seriously. He hoped she
didn’t feel like he didn’t want to see her.
That was far, far from the truth. It was
because he wanted her so badly that he
had to get away, leave her house, and
distance himself for a while. He didn’t
know which was more tortuous: not

being able to hold her or being there to
hold her and thinking about doing too
much more.

To top it off, that Saturday would

be their first month anniversary and he
had something big planned. Maybe if he
kind of avoided seeing her for a week
he’d have time to cool down and at-
tempt to dull the vivid images of her out
of his head. He was sure seeing her on
Saturday wouldn’t help with that, but
the day of their one month anniversary
wouldn’t be a day he could avoid.
Besides, he couldn’t wait to see the look
on her face when she saw her an-
niversary gift.

***

180/321

Ever since I exchanged those life

altering words with Gavin on Sunday
night I was getting the sense that he was
avoiding me. I mean, I talk to him every
night on the phone, but if I want to go
out to dinner, or a movie, or just simply
veg out on the couch in front of the tele-
vision with him there is always some ex-
cuse. Plus, the way he left Sunday night
has me confused. He left a bit abruptly,
but he made sure to reassure me that he
loved me. What does that mean? Was
he trying to let me down easy? Do I say
something or do I give him time to tell
me what’s going on? I hate this!

The next thing you know, it’s Fri-

day night, the day before our one month
anniversary and he hasn’t called me all
day. Am I clingy if I call him?

181/321

It’s after midnight and now I’m

angry. If I call and give him a piece of
my mind for making me worry does
that make me a bitch?

After an hour of sitting in my red

sofa chair and nervously picking at my
fingers I jump up and call his cell
phone.

He didn’t answer.
So I called a second time. Then I

called a third time two minutes later. I
called a fourth time twenty seconds
later. It’s ringing so his phone isn’t off.
So…he’s just not picking it up. Is he ig-
noring me?

Dammit, I am not going to cry

over this! Okay then, I guess my eyes
have other plans. I angrily wipe the
tears from my face, say a few curse

182/321

words, say a quick prayer, and crawl in-
to bed.

***

Gavin slowly stepped out of his

apartment in his crumpled clothing and
squinted in pain from the sunlight hit-
ting his eyes. He stopped a minute to let
his eyes adjust and then went down the
stairs to his car in the parking lot. He
had awoken that morning to realize
he’d left his cell phone in his car. He
grabbed his cell phone out of the cup
holder and flipped it open. There were
four missed calls, all of them from
Sydney. He was so wrapped up in things
yesterday that he’d forgotten her. Well,
he had been thinking about her but he
hadn’t gotten around to calling her. He

183/321

knew she would be upset if he didn’t
call her soon. It was 9:19 a.m. so hope-
fully she was awake. He went back into
his apartment and made the call.

“Hello?”

Sydney

answered

sleepily.

“Hey baby.”
“Gavin?”
“Mhmm. Sorry to wake you up. I

saw that you called last night so I’m
calling to let you know I’m okay. Are
you okay?”

“No.”
“What’s wrong?”
“You didn’t answer your phone

last night. I didn’t know what to think!”

“Sorry Sydney. I was at a party

with Jay.”

“You were where?!”

184/321

Gavin winced. “Baby, could you

please lower your voice a little bit. I had
a bit too much to drink last night and
my head is killing me.” Sydney was si-
lent on the other end.

“Sydney, I’m sorry I didn’t call

you yesterday. I was busy getting your
anniversary present and then I finally
got a hold of Jay and he actually talked
to me so we apologized to each other so
we’re cool now and then he invited me
to one of his openings and then to an
after party he was throwing and I just
couldn’t say no because I’d just finally
made up with my best friend and I
didn’t want to let him down and have
him say I wasn’t spending time with
him and I drank a little too much be-
cause Jay convinced me to relax and
have fun like old times and for some

185/321

reason I forgot that partying with Jay
only starts off fun and I’m sorry. I’m
really sorry. I didn’t mean to have you
worrying about me.”

“Just…don’t do that to me again,”

Sydney pleaded. “Send me a text mes-
sage or a telegram or send a carrier pi-
geon! Anything so I won’t have to sit
around crying and wondering what’s
up!”

Gavin’s heart sunk. “You were

crying?”

“It’s nothing I’m proud of. Just

keep me posted on things next time,
okay?”

“I’m so sorry Sydney. I swear I’ll

make it up to you tonight. I love you.”

Sydney smiled. “I love you too.”
“You can go back to sleep now I’ll

come pick you up at four.”

186/321

“Okay.”
“Wear something sexy. Like the

dress you wore on our first date.”

Sydney smiled and rolled her

eyes. “You wear something sexy as
well.”

Gavin laughed. “I’ll see you later,

okay? I love you.”

Sydney grinned. “Love you, bye.”
“Bye.”

***

When I woke up again it was 11

o’clock and I woke up smiling. I’d had a
dream that Gavin had flown us to a
tropical island for our anniversary and
the beach and his abs were absolutely
breath taking! I stretched and headed

187/321

into the kitchen. My mom was already
there frying up some eggs.

“Morning Mom.”
“Good morning honey. Would

you like an egg?”

“Yes ma’am,” I smiled.
“What are you so smiley about?”
“Gavin has a present for me. It’s

our one month anniversary.”

“Is that right!” Mom said while

placing an egg and some toast on a plate
for me. “I can’t believe it’s been a month
already. Time flies when you’re old.”

“Mom! You are not old!”
“Well, I’m older than your old

boyfriend, so what does that make me?”

I shook my head, smiling, and

began eating my breakfast. Next I had a
three hour long wardrobe and make-up
consultation with Elizabeth Roth. Liz

188/321

decided that I wear an above-the-knee
length turquoise dress with black trim
along the neck line, at the hem, and
around its flowing butterfly sleeves. The
material was a silk and cotton blend
and very good at caressing the curves of
my body. The dress was matched with
black patent leather wedge peep-toe
pumps. I placed shiny black onyx studs
in my ears. My jet black hair was in a
straight bob and my eyes were done
simply with some mascara and a bit of
eyeliner. A little gloss on the lips and a
few sprays of Victoria Secret’s Pure Se-
duction body spray and I was ready. I
was definitely sexy. I wonder if Gavin
has followed my wardrobe orders to
look sexy.

My doorbell rang and I along with

Liz and Sara who was on her mommy’s

189/321

hip answered the door. Yes, Gavin def-
initely followed my orders.

“Hey Liz! Hi little Sara!” Gavin

shook Sara’s little hand and she smiled.
“Sydney,” Gavin breathed and took a
moment to look me up and down while
chewing on his lower lip. “You look
amazing.”

“Thanks,” I whispered. I was hav-

ing trouble speaking because I suddenly
felt shy. It wasn’t just because of the
way he was looking at me. It was also
because he looked so hot I felt weak in
the knees. It was like I was seeing him
that first time at Dennison’s grocery
and I was drooling again. He was wear-
ing all black: polished black leather
Chelsea boots, black pants, black belt,
silky black dress shirt with the top but-
ton open and the sleeves rolled up, his

190/321

jet black hair gelled and sleek; He
looked like such a bad boy! Oh dear, I
am raping him with my eyes! Does he
know? I cleared my throat. “You look
really good, too.”

He smiled and his green eyes

glistened. He leaned in and kissed me
on the cheek. I wanted to give him a big
hug and breathe in his intoxicating co-
logne but I was afraid to touch him. I
prayed that he and I didn’t get too close
to any flat surfaces tonight because I
didn’t know if I could control myself.
Liz and Sara watched Gavin and I
standing there just looking at each oth-
er. Baby Sara burst out laughing at our
goofiness. We all turned to her and
laughed as well. I gave Liz a long hug.

“Go have fun,” Liz whispered in

my ear. I hugged her tighter. “Stop

191/321

procrastinating!” she scolded. Reluct-
antly I left the house and walked to the
car with Gavin trailing behind me. I
turned around completely and walked
backwards a few steps to the car be-
cause I could feel his eyes on my back-
side. He smiled, caught, and we got into
his car.

“We match,” I pointed out once

he started the car. Suddenly Gavin
lunged over and gave me a forceful and
very thorough kiss.

“Sorry,” he said breathless, “I had

to get that out of my system.” He wiped
the lip gloss from his mouth and started
driving. Smiling, I sank comfortably
down into my seat.

“So what do you have planned?”
“First we’re going to dinner and

there I’ll give you your present.”

192/321

“I have a present for you too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s in my purse.”
“Cool. I wasn’t really expecting

anything.”

“Why’s that?”
“I don’t know. It’s just traditional

for a man to spoil his woman with gifts.
I always did the gift giving when I was
with Elise.”

“Well, Elise was a materialistic

ho-bag so don’t you dare expect the
same from me.”

Gavin laughed. “Okay, you have a

very good point.”

Twelve minutes later we pulled

up to a restaurant called Pamplona.
The building captured Spain’s Mediter-
ranean architecture beautifully and the
restaurant captured its cuisine just as

193/321

well. We had tapas, paella, and almond
ice cream with pastries called ensaima-
das for dessert. It was such a romantic
restaurant with warm lighting and red
table cloths. Gavin had picked a great
place. We agreed that we would eat
there again some time.

“Is it Present Time?” I grinned.
“Of course. You go first.”
“Okay,” I said nervously. I hoped

he’d like it. I reached into my bag and
pulled out a square box. “Here, Happy
anniversary.” Gavin opened the box and
pulled out the coil of leather. It was a
black belt with a chrome belt buckle in
the shape of a square frame that en-
closed the letters “G&S” formed in the
metal. Gavin looked up at me with a big
smile and then back down at the belt.

194/321

“G and S: Gavin and Sydney. Can

I put it on now?”

I nodded. He stood up, slipped

his belt off and put the new one on. He
put his hands in his pockets and did a
little male model pose. He sat back
down, picked up my hand from the
table and kissed it. “I love it. Thank
you.”

“Good. I figured since we’ve been

having issues lately with wandering
hands that a chastity belt would be the
perfect gift,” I joked. Gavin smiled
anxiously.

“Um, speaking of chastity, I’d like

to give you my present now." I looked at
him perplexed. What could his present
have to do with chastity? I watched as
he let my hand go and reached under
the table to his pants pocket and pulled

195/321

out a velvet ring box. I made my mouse
squeak sound and was about to begin
hyperventilating when he said, “Don’t
freak out it’s not a wedding ring.” I im-
mediately let out a relieved sigh. He
flipped open the box and set it in the
middle of the table. It was a white gold
Celtic designed ring. “It’s a promise
ring,” he said.

“A promise ring,” I repeated as I

dreamily studied the bright ring gleam-
ing in its dark velvet box.

“I know it’s kind of corny but I’ve

been thinking a lot about what you told
me Sunday night. You told me ‘I can’t
do this. Remember?’ and I realized I
hadn’t remembered. For a moment I’d
forgotten what you wanted and what
we’d agreed to; to wait until your wed-
ding night to be intimate. It’s been

196/321

really hard for me to keep that in mind
lately. And then my stupid naughty
mind tells you to wear something sexy
and when you open the door and look
bangin’ I wonder why I can’t control
myself! It’s been hard because I’ve nev-
er had to put the brakes on in my other
relationships. But it’s worth it. That’s
what I have to remember. That’s why I
bought these rings; so that they would
be a solid reminder.”

Gavin reached into his pocket

again and slipped a ring that matched
mine onto his right hand on the finger
between his middle and pinky finger.
Then he took my ring out of the velvet
box and slipped it onto the finger on my
trembling right hand. “Happy an-
niversary.” I looked into his lovely green
eyes and I had to look away for a

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moment. I was getting teary eyed and I
hated crying so I looked down at my lap
to compose myself. Is this what he’d
been so busy with yesterday afternoon
that he hadn’t called? “I just want you
to know that my heart is in the right
place even though my mind forgets to
call you sometimes,” he smiled.

“Thank you so much,” I mustered,

“I couldn’t have asked for a better an-
niversary present.”

Gavin beamed. “It’s awesome to

hear that.”

It was around six when we left the

restaurant. The sun was sinking under
the horizon. We got into the car and I
waited for him to start the car and take
me home. “Now it is time for your next
present.”

“What?!”

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“I have another present planned.”
“But…I don’t have a second

present for you.”

“Sydney, don’t worry about that. I

don’t need anything else. Seeing the
look on your face in three hours is
enough of a present for me.” I gave him
a worried look. “We are going to have to
go on a three hour drive to get to your
present. Buckle up.”

I trust Gavin, but I hate surprises.

I’ve always tried to keep everything
planned out and organized so this spur
of the moment road trip was not good
for my nerves. I quietly put my seat belt
on. I felt Gavin’s hand massaging the
back of my neck. “Sydney, you’re going
to love it. Trust me.” I nodded and he
started driving. I was quiet the first and
second hour of driving but I was really

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quiet the third hour because I fell
asleep.

I woke up to find myself sitting in

a parked car in the middle of the night.
I looked over at the driver’s seat to see
Gavin smiling at me.

“You’re creepy,” I said sleepily.

“How long have you been staring at
me?”

“About thirty seconds or so. How

long have you been napping like a
toddler?”

“Touché.” I sat up in my seat and

looked around outside. There was a
building that looked like a big movie
theatre and there was a ton of people in
line to get in.

“Let’s go,” Gavin said. We walked

across the packed parking lot towards
the building. That’s when I saw the wall

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length posters and the words gliding
across the LED message board: Lenny
Kravitz Live in Concert. My jaw
dropped and I grabbed onto Gavin’s
arm to stop myself from jumping up
and down. “Excited?” Gavin laughed.

“I can’t believe you got tickets to

see Lenny! Oh my gosh, are you aiming
to make me cry today?!”

“We’ll be sitting front and center.”
“How the hell did you get front

row tickets?! God, you must have spent
so much money on this! Please don’t
waste all this money on me. It’s only our
one month anniversary! I only got you
a, what, fifty dollar belt?! I can’t let you
do this!” I was starting to panic. He was
spending all this money on me. How
was I ever going to repay him?

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“Too late, Sydney. No refunds,”

Gavin laughed. “Baby, it’s okay! I didn’t
waste my money. I heart Lenny Kravitz
too! He is a very sexy man!” I wrapped
my arms around his neck and deposited
my lip gloss all over his forehead,
cheeks, and lips. I felt like I was going
to start bawling or faint. I’d found out
that Lenny was performing here a
couple months ago but I’d put it out of
my mind because I figured I’d never be
able to go. Good seats were way too
much for my college girl budget. I told
myself there’d be a next time. But now I
didn’t have to wait another day to see
my favorite artist of all time.

I was in awe when we walked into

the arena and saw the stage all lit up
and ready. We squeezed our way past
loads of hyped people and finally made

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it to the front. My palms were sweating
and my heart was racing. Gavin stood
behind me and hugged me. I leaned my
head back against his shoulders, closed
my eyes, and calmed myself down. I
was calm until the band and backup
singers came out on stage and the
crowd started cheering loudly. Then I
gripped onto Gavin’s hand waiting for
the big moment. Then I heard Lenny’s
voice over the speakers. “Are you ready
to join the love revolution?!” he
screamed. I turned around to Gavin ec-
statically and gave him a quick kiss and
told him I loved him.

Lenny Kravitz, Aviators and nose

ring, wearing boots, leather pants, a
fashionably faded black tee with a peace
sign on it and a tight jean jacket walked
out onto the stage with his guitar. The

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crowd roared. “Then let’s tell ‘em to
bring it on!” he yelled and immediately
started playing “Bring It On” from his
new album It’s Time for a Love Revolu-
tion. Gavin and I rocked and danced to
the music. I did most of the singing and
hollering.

Seeing Lenny was honestly a

dream come true. Lenny Kravitz is so
incredibly talented. His music is time-
less. To see the man that I admire so
much, a man of mixed race, who didn’t
let anyone change him no matter how
many people said his music wasn’t
white enough or black enough, a man
who had recently become celibate which
I have the utmost respect for, was in-
credible. And I had someone I loved so
much and who loved me back to share it
with.

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After “Bring It On” Lenny unex-

pectedly reached back into his disco-
graphy and sang “Fly Away,” “Dig In,”
and “Where Are We Running?” I used
my cell phone to take lots of pictures of
him performing and of Gavin and me
enjoying ourselves. Gavin stood behind
me the whole time with his hands on
my shoulders or my hips and kissing me
on the cheek every once in a while. I
think he may have been worried Lenny
would steal me away from him. He def-
initely had reason to worry because if
Lenny had invited me backstage I’d be a
changed woman today.

Lenny then came back full force

to the songs on his new album and per-
formed “Love Revolution” and “Love,
Love, Love,” the latter being my favorite
song on the new album so I was dancing

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around quite a bit. I turned around to
face Gavin and we had fun dancing to
that. The song Lenny ended the show
with was a surprise to me. He sang “I’ll
Be Waiting,” a really sweet song about
him waiting on a girl to realize how
much he cares about her. I thought he’d
want to go out with a bang but the ma-
jority of the show had been really high
energy and I love that song so I wasn’t
complaining. Plus, it was a neat song for
Gavin and me to sway and sing along to.

With that song Lenny told the

crowd “Thank you! Goodnight!” I waved
and blew kisses and gave Lenny a tear-
ful goodbye.

“You have made me the happiest

I’ve ever been,” I confessed to Gavin.

“I’m honored,” he replied.

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Somehow Gavin and I stayed

awake for the three hour drive home.
We got to his house around 2:30 in the
morning; both of us crawled onto his
bed, dead tired, and fell asleep.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Two months later, Evan was fi-

nally able to cut back on his hours at
work and get some much needed free
time between working and sleeping to
spend with Elizabeth and his little
daughter Sara. Liz was absolutely
thrilled to have more family moments
together. They took Sara to the beach
for the first time. Evan and Liz took

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turns holding Sara as they waded out
into the water. Sara loved it and
splashed her hands into the water. She
didn’t even cry when some salt water
got into her eye. She just blinked it
away and went about her happy splash-
ing. Evan was there to see Sara take her
first wobbly steps which the couple
made sure was well documented using
camcorders and camera phones. She
tottered from the coffee table over to
her kneeling smiling daddy and buried
her face into his chest. Evan wrapped
his arms around her and kissed her on
the top of her head.

The long awaited double date

with Gavin and Sydney took place on a
Sunday night which was a convenient
time for everyone’s schedule including
Ms. Lenton who was going to babysit

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for Evan and Liz. Sydney suggested the
Thai restaurant that she and Gavin had
their first date at: Thai Moon. Everyone
got dressed up and met each other
there. Elizabeth was so excited about
being able to get all dressed up that
Sydney had to persuade her not to wear
a full length gown. Liz wore a very flat-
tering green dress that complimented
the flecks of green in her hazel eyes as
well as contrasting nicely with her fair
skin. Her long black hair was in a bun
with some tendrils framing her face.
Sydney wore a simple but cute bur-
gundy dress. Evan wore a cream sweat-
er beneath his tan jacket paired with tan
dress pants. His outfit went well with
his chocolate skin and his fresh fade.
Evan was only a year older than Liz and
Sydney but he had an old soul that

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made him come off as around Gavin’s
age. Gavin wore a dark grey suit with a
burgundy dress shirt. It was the first
time Gavin had met Evan.

“Gavin, this is my husband Evan

Roth. Evan this is Sydney’s partner in
crime Gavin Caselle.”

“Nice to meet you,” Evan said

shaking Gavin’s hand.

“Nice to meet you too. You have a

beautiful family.”

“Thank you.”
“Hey Evan!” Sydney beamed and

gave him a hug.

“Hey Syd! Long time no see!”
“I missed you,” Sydney smiled up

at him.

“Yeah, same here,” he smiled, his

warm brown eyes glistening. Liz smiled
at the two of them and then they all sat

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down at their table. Gavin glanced at
Sydney who was still smiling at Evan
across the table. “I don’t know what I’d
do without you, Sydney. Thanks for
helping take care of my girls when I’m
not able to be there with them.”

“Oh, no problem Ev. You know I

love you guys,” Sydney responded
bashfully.

Gavin looked from Sydney to

Evan. The way they were looking at
each other made his stomach turn. The
way Sydney looked at Evan was too
similar to the way Sydney looked at
him. The whole dinner, Gavin ate
quietly, only making a few comments
here and there, and watched as Sydney
talked and laughed with Evan. Not once
did Sydney speak to him at dinner. The
event was more of a gathering amongst

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Evan, Liz, and Sydney so Gavin felt a bit
left out.

He just couldn’t get the thought

out of his head; the thought that Sydney
had a crush on Evan. The idea was mak-
ing him more heated by the minute.
When the group decided it was time to
head home and Sydney kissed Liz and
then Evan on the cheek to say goodbye
that was the last assault his male ego
could take. Before Gavin and Sydney
made it back to his car he confronted
her.

“Is there something about Evan I

should know?” he asked as they walked.

“No. Why? You didn’t like him?”
“Maybe I should be more specific.

Is there something about you and Evan
that I should know about?”

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Sydney slowed to a stop in the

middle of the parking lot. “Are you kid-
ding, Gavin?” Gavin just looked at her.
Sydney felt hurt, anger, and sadness all
at once. He was implying that she was a
cheater, an accomplice to adultery, a
backstabber and a home wrecker all at
the same time. How could he ever think
that about her? She could feel her face
and ears burning up in embarrassment
and her chest burning with anger.
Sydney rushed over to the passenger
side of his car. “Drive me home right
now,” she demanded. Gavin unlocked
the door with his keyless entry remote
and watched as she got into the car.
Then he walked to the driver’s side and
got in. He put the key in the ignition but
didn’t start the car. Instead he looked

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over at Sydney who was looking out the
side window.

“What’s to hide? Why can’t you

answer my question?”

Sydney spoke but refused to look

at him. Where was this jealousy coming
from? “The fact that you would accuse
me of cheating on you either physically
or emotionally with my best friend’s
husband is not something that I feel de-
serves a response.”

Gavin’s eyebrows furrowed with

disgust and irritation. “Sydney, I saw
the way you were looking at him. You
can’t deny that.”

Sydney met Gavin’s eyes. “How

exactly was I looking at him Gavin?”

“It was like…It was like you were

flirting with him the whole night. You
were looking at him and just enamored

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by him and then you kissed him right in
front of me.”

“You’re right Gavin. You are com-

pletely right.” Gavin looked shocked for
a moment. “You’re right. Why do you
look so shocked? Isn’t that what you
wanted to hear! I kissed Evan on the
cheek! Do you want to know why I’m
enamored by him? Because, I do love
him. I love him like a brother and I
haven’t been able to talk to him for
months. He’s older than me and I look
up to him and respect him because he is
a good man and a good father. He is a
good black man and I dare you to try
and stop me from valuing a good
brotha.”

“What the hell is so special about

Evan? He’s doing what he’s supposed to

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do as a husband and a father. But be-
cause he’s black—“

Sydney cut her eyes at Gavin.

“Don’t comment on things you don’t
understand.”

“Let me guess. Because I’m white,

I’ll never understand. Why don’t you
just explain it to me? I’m really anxious
to know why Evan is getting so much
credit.”

“Gavin, I really don’t feel like giv-

ing you a recap of slavery right now.”

“I’ve got all day, Sydney. I’ve got

all day to hear why it is you love this
man.”

“I’m sure you know that African

American families are used to being
ripped apart,” spoke Sydney, angry and
trembling. Gavin winced but kept up his
determined game face. “Too many

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fathers are running away from their re-
sponsibilities and leaving their boys not
knowing how to become men and their
girls not knowing how they should be
treated.” Sydney pointed to herself. “I’m
one of those girls who didn’t have a
strong black father.”

Gavin looked away for a moment,

ashamed of the way he had brought
Sydney’s hidden pain to the surface, but
the image of Sydney smiling up at Evan
was seared into his mind and he
couldn’t let it go. “So every responsible
black man you come across I have to
deal with you praising him and appreci-
ating him instead of me, the one who’s
actually here for you?!”

“Shit Gavin! I’m not Elise!”

Sydney screamed. For a long moment,
the car was filled with his silence.

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“That’s what this is really about, isn’t it
Gavin?” Sydney said in a pained whis-
per. “Please tell me that deep down you
don’t really believe I’m like her after all
these months of me spilling my guts to
you.”

“I don’t…” Gavin trailed off.
“Stop wishing for this good thing

we have to fall apart,” Sydney cried,
“I’ve given you more than I’ve given any
guy before. My trust and…and my heart.
Tell me I wasn’t wrong. Tell me I didn’t
waste my time.” She quickly dried her
eyes and composed herself, reminding
herself to stay strong and prepare for
the worst: being left behind. He’d
already turned on her so the only thing
left was for him to finally walk out of
her life.

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He ran both his hands through

his hair and then started the car. His
hands were shaking but Sydney couldn’t
tell if it was from anger, anxiety, or fear.
“I, um, I have to get you home. Right
now before I say some idiotic thing that
neither one of us could ever forgive me
for.” He turned up the rock music that
was playing on the radio and drove
quickly out of the parking lot and to
Sydney’s house.

While he drove, Sydney saw his

mouth moving. She knew he wasn’t
mouthing the lyrics to the music on the
radio. He was berating himself, calling
himself names under his breath. That
was one of the bad habits his psychiat-
rist had once lectured to him about. It
had been a big reason why he’d become
as depressed as he did. He mentally

219/321

beat himself up over every mistake he
made. As they drove, Sydney considered
telling Gavin not to do that, but she felt
so disrespected and upset in that mo-
ment that she didn’t think it a bad idea
for him to call himself some names after
what he’d just put her through.

Gavin finally pulled up to the

front of the Lenton home. He turned
the radio down, draped his left arm over
the steering wheel and rested his head
on it to face Sydney. His eyes were a bit
red. He looked at Sydney for a moment
until she looked back. “I know you’re
not Elise, Sydney.”

“That’s

good,”

said

Sydney,

annoyed.

“It’s just that I can’t trust myself

to trust anyone else too much. I’m
afraid of being made a fool of again. I’m

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afraid of getting my heart stomped on
again.”

She sighed. “I’m afraid to be hurt,

too. However, I never allow that para-
noia or jealousy to speak to you. I drive
away those thoughts and I never direct
them at you. If you can’t do that then I
can’t be there for you. I love you, but
I’m not going to be a human punching
bag for you to work out your fears and
your anger. You have to talk to me, not
at me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish I was

as put together as you are. I’m supposed
to be the man here. I’m supposed to be
the rock and all I do is keep stumbling
over all my stupid petty feelings. You
don't have to put up with this. I'd un-
derstand if you wanted to go.”

221/321

“No, Gavin," Sydney softened. "I

don't want to go and it’s not petty. You
have a right to your feelings, but I have
a right to some respect.”

“Of course you do,” Gavin sighed

and sat up in his seat. “From now on I
promise to be respectfully obnoxious,
respectfully angry, and respectfully jeal-
ous,” he declared.

Sydney’s lips went up in a little

smile. “It sounds funny but it can be
done,” she said.

“Okay. I pinky promise I will al-

ways remember to respect you.” He
held out his right pinky. Sydney
laughed and thought about the first
time they’d pinky promised.

“Alright. Pinky swear?” She asked

as she looped her right pinky with his.

222/321

They both noticed the promise rings
they still wore.

“I pinky swear.”

***

Gavin, grinning, took my hand

and dragged me from the front door in-
to the kitchen. “Look!” he said excitedly
pointing at a large pot of water on top of
the stove. I peered down into the un-
eventful water where a couple miniscule
bubbles lazily rose from the bottom of
the pot to the surface. I turned and
raised a questioning eyebrow at Gavin.
“I’m cooking!” he announced. I smiled.

“What exactly do you plan on

cooking?”

“Calzoncelli di Ricotta.”

223/321

“That sounds really good,” I said

referring to him speaking Italian.

“Calzoncelli di Ricotta,” Gavin

growled into my ear. I giggled as his
breath tickled my ear and his accent
made my cheeks grow hot.

“Okay.

What

exactly

is

Calzoncelli?”

“Well I was talking to my mother

on the phone the other day and she was
scolding me about what scarce home
cooked meals I’ve been having and she
reminded me of the time she made this
for me from scratch. It’s kind of like
round ravioli filled with ricotta cheese
that has some lemon zest in it. And then
you pour meat sauce over it.”

“That sounds yummy.”
“It is.”

224/321

“So what else did you talk to your

mom about?”

“Umm, stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Well, you know, we talked about

things.”

“Was my name mentioned any-

where in there?”

Gavin smiled. “Maybe.”
His response made me happy but

nervous. It was good to know that he
wasn’t afraid to mention me to his
mother, but it was nerve-wracking to
realize how serious our relationship
really was.

I helped Gavin roll out the pasta

dough and cut out circles. He mixed the
ricotta and egg yolk as I grated lemon
zest into it. We stuffed the pasta, sealed
them and dropped them into the boiling

225/321

water. Gavin poured a readymade bottle
of meat sauce into a pot and heated it
up. He was very proud of himself.

As we waited on garlic bread to

bake I went over to where Belle was lay-
ing on the rug in the dining area and
picked her up. I pet the soft white hair
between her ears. “She sure is lazy
today,” I commented.

Gavin smiled. “I don’t expect her

to be jumping around after all the water
she drank earlier.”

I looked down at Belle. “Did

Daddy forget to give you your water
yesterday?” Gavin shook his head. “You
can tell me, Belle. Is that why you were
so thirsty? Gavin is a bad daddy isn’t
he?” Gavin rolled his eyes at me. Then
he took Belle out of my arms and
cradled her like a baby.

226/321

“I’d never do that. Right Belle?”

Belle lifted her paw and placed it on
Gavin’s chin. I laughed at their cute-
ness. Gavin put Belle back onto the
floor and we went to go fix our plates
and sit around the dining table. We’d
done a pretty good job. The Calzoncelli
was great!

“Enjoying your meal?”
“Very much,” I said as I raised a

forkful to my mouth.

“Good because you’ll enjoy more

of this when we go to my parents’ house
for dinner next week.”

The fork fell out of my hand,

bounced off the table and onto the floor
where Belle was laying. She looked over
at it uninterested.

***

227/321

A couple days later as I was walk-

ing across campus to get to class my
phone started vibrating. It was Gavin
calling.

“Sydney, I think something’s

wrong with Belle.”

“What do you mean? What’s

wrong?”

“Uh, she wouldn’t eat anything

this morning and now she’s vomiting.”
Gavin sounded panicked.

“Oh gosh! Take her to the animal

hospital. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine.
Just take her to the animal hospital
right away.”

“Okay okay. I’ll call you later.”
“Alright. Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”

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I turned off my phone so it

wouldn’t go off during class. As soon as
class was over I checked my phone. I
had a voice message:

“Sydney, there’s some bad news

about Belle. Their keeping her here for
a few more hours until her urinalysis
comes back. So, if you can, come down
to the animal hospital on Central Aven-
ue. Bye.”

I drove over to the hospital as fast

as I could. When I walked into the room
that the woman at the front desk had
directed me to, the first thing I saw was
Belle laying down, completely still, atop
a table. Her stomach rose and fell
rhythmically as Gavin stroked her
gently, sitting in a chair beside her. He
turned his head and gave me a sad
smile and then looked back at Belle. “I

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can’t believe this is it for her,” Gavin
said. I looked at him confused. “The
doctor said she has chronic renal
failure.”

“I’m so sorry Gavin.” I stood be-

side him and rubbed his back.

“I didn’t know I had to worry

about something like this for many
more years. She’s only six years old. Ap-
parently she’s been showing the symp-
toms for a week and a half now but I
was so damn self absorbed that I didn’t
see that she was dying right in front of
me.” Tears ran down Gavin’s cheeks
and I joined his silent crying.

“It’s not your fault, Gavin.” I said

through my tears. “I didn’t know
either.”

“She might not live to see the end

of the month.”

230/321

“But…The end of the month is

only two weeks from now,” I said
shocked.

“I know.”
I sniffled. “Can she come home?”
“Yeah. The doctor should be here

with some medications for her and we’ll
be able to be with her at home. I’m tak-
ing the rest of the week off from work.”

“I’ll come see her as much as I

can, okay?”

Gavin nodded.
That Sunday night Belle passed

away in Gavin’s arms. I was sitting right
beside him. She was cremated and Gav-
in decided to go out to the ocean to
spread her ashes. I wore an Indian ank-
let and bracelet made of little jingling
bells to the ceremony, in honor of Belle.
Gavin and I stood there at the shore, the

231/321

wind blowing against our backs. “I’m
not sure what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.

She already knows.”

“Um,” Gavin looked down at the

yellow wooden box that held Belle’s
ashes, “I’ll miss you. You were my girl.
You were the longest relationship I’ve
ever had with the opposite sex. Hope-
fully I can translate that to the human
world with Sydney here.”

We smiled at each other. “Sydney

will miss you and I’ll miss you,” he said
to the box. He threw the contents of the
box into the air. We watched as it
swirled up and out to sea. I waved good-
bye, the bells around my wrist jingling.

***

232/321

When I met Gavin’s dad I could

see where Gavin gets his good hair
from. Though Mr. Daniel Caselle’s hair
was now almost completely white with
grey at his sideburns, his hair was gor-
geous and all there; no balding going
on. It didn’t hurt that Mr. Caselle was
easy on the eyes for a man his age. If
Gavin looked like his dad in the future I
would have no complaints. Gavin’s
mom Luisa Caselle made the best Gnoc-
chi with Bolognese sauce I’ve ever
eaten!

Gavin’s mom is a funny, loud wo-

man. Her green eyes were always twink-
ling and her laughter bounced through
the house. She reminded me a little of
my own mom except, well, white. She
warmed up to me instantly, so that was
a relief. Mr. Caselle, however, was not

233/321

very talkative. I figured it was his per-
sonality. Luisa made up for his lack of
conversation anyways. Maybe she just
doesn’t get a lot of company.

“Honey, your shoes are amazing!

Of course at my age I wouldn’t be
caught dead wearing something so pro-
vocative. Or maybe I would be caught
dead in them because I would most
likely fall and break a hip with my luck.
Can you die from breaking a hip?
There’s

probably

some

Discovery

Health show on someone breaking a hip
and the hip fatally puncturing a vital or-
gan. I love those shows! I can watch
them all day long. Can’t I, Daniel? I
mean, put me in front of the television
give me a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a
pint of vodka and I’m there! Ha ha ha!
Speaking of vodka would you like some

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wine, Sydney? I’ve got white and I’ve
got red. Oh, who am I kidding? I know
you like it white! Ha ha! Stop giving me
that look Gavin! I’m just joking with
her. Do you want some wine too, Gavin?
No? Daniel?”

“Sure honey.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back with that.

Don’t talk too much about me while I’m
gone. Ha ha!”

I smiled over at Gavin who was

sitting across from me at the table. He
slapped a hand to his forehead and
dragged it wearily down his face. I
laughed and looked over at Mr. Caselle
who was sitting beside Gavin. “You will
always

be

entertained,

right

Mr.

Caselle?” I smiled

“Yup,” he said giving me a small

smile.

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“Here we are!” Luisa came into

the dining room holding two glasses
and an oversized glass goblet all filled
with white wine. She set one glass in
front of her husband, a glass in front of
me, and sipped some wine from her
goblet before sitting down beside me.

“Thank you Mrs. Caselle.”
“You’re welcome sweetie. So po-

lite! And she’s so beautiful, Gavin!” My
face grew hot with embarrassment. I
sipped some wine from my glass. “So,
are you working in advertisement with
Gavin?”

“No. I’m a student right now.”
Luisa looked at me curiously. “A

graduate student?”

“No. Undergrad.”
“Sweetie, if you don’t mind me

asking, exactly how old are you?”

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I looked over at Gavin confused.

Didn’t he tell his parents my age
already? “I’m nineteen, Mrs. Caselle.”

Her jaw dropped. “Daniel, did

you know that?”

“Gavin never did learn how to do

difficult things well,” he said smugly
and then took a drink of his wine, all
with a smirk on his face.

“She’ll be twenty next month,”

Gavin said defensively.

Luisa grabbed the wine glass from

me and set it down near her plate. “Why
didn’t you tell me that, Sydney? I could
get arrested for furnishing alcohol to a
minor!”

“Mom!”
“Gavin,” Daniel said fingering his

wine glass, “I’d like to speak to you in
my office for a moment.”

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Luisa looked at Gavin apologetic-

ally. Gavin looked from his mom, to me,
then to Mr. Caselle. “Fine.” The two
men walked down the hall to the office.

“I’m so sorry Sydney,” Luisa said

as she poured my wine into her goblet.
“I didn’t mean to make a scene. I was
just shocked! I can tell you’re a mature
young woman and that you and Gavin
will be fine, but Daniel is such a worry
wart, so pessimistic. I think it’s so ro-
mantic, you and Gavin!”

“It’s okay Mrs. Caselle. We should

have told you this sooner.”

“Oh Sydney, go ahead and call me

Luisa!”

***

238/321

Once they walked into the office

Mr. Caselle closed the door behind
them. “Are you going to explain
yourself?”

“For what?” Gavin asked angrily.
“Not only is the girl black, she’s

also nineteen-years-old!”

“I knew you would say that!”
“Yeah, you knew I would say that

because there’s always going to be my
voice in your head warning you when
you’re slipping up.”

“I love Sydney and I don’t care

what you think about it. I didn’t come
here for your approval of anything! I
came here to introduce you to the girl
who’s going to have our last name one
day.”

Daniel laughed. “I doubt that.”

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“Did you not hear me? I don’t

care what you think!”

“Gavin, don’t be stupid,” he spat.

“A girl like her only sees dollar signs
when she looks at you and a ticket out
of the ghetto.”

Gavin walked up to his father and

stood within an inch of his face. “Don’t
you EVER say something like that about
her again or I will consider you dead
and buried,” he warned between gritted
teeth.

Daniel just gave him a nasty

smile.

“Just remember,” Gavin said on

his way out of the office, “my life isn’t
about you anymore.” Gavin walked out
of the office and into the dining room
rubbing his temple. “Sydney it’s time

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for us to go.” Sydney and Luisa looked
up at Gavin worriedly.

“Um, okay,” Sydney said quietly.

“Bye Luisa.” Sydney stood up and Luisa
stood up to follow her and her son to
the door.

Luisa kissed Sydney on both

cheeks. “Take care, honey.” Sydney
nodded.

“Bye Mom. I love you.” Gavin

kissed her on both cheeks and then on
the lips.

“I love you too baby. Don’t worry

about whatever your dad said. He’s get-
ting old and bitter. You go be happy,
okay?”

“Alright Mama.”
“Oh wait! I fixed an extra pot of

Gnocchi and sauce for you!” She hur-
ried off to the kitchen and came back

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with a huge Tupperware filled with the
pasta. “Here you are sweetie. I gave
Sydney the secret recipe so when you
run out she’s got you covered!” she
winked.

“If I run out.” Gavin smiled.

“Thanks Mama.” Gavin kissed his
mother on the cheek again and he and
Sydney walked out to the car.

242/321

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Don’t you know this will go abso-

lutely nowhere?” I giggled.

“I would call this getting some-

where,” he smiled and continued to
suck on my neck right above my collar
bone.

“Why did I think sitting on my

bed with you to watch a movie would
end innocently?” I breathed.

“You think too much of me.”
We were lying on our sides, facing

each other, with Gavin’s hand under-
neath my shirt running his fingers up
and down my back. He moved up from
my neck to my lips. His hand on my
back pulled me closer to him. He left
my lips to plant kisses along my jaw

line. I ran my hand through his dark
hair. That’s when I saw it.

“What’s this?”
“Hmm?”
“Hold still. There’s something in

your hair.”

“What?” Gavin stopped what he

was doing and tried to raise his head.

“Don’t move! Hold on.”
“Okay okay,” he said nervously.

“Ow!” he said and sat up rubbing the
side of his head. “Why’d you do that
for?”

I sat up and held up the silvery

strand of hair. “It’s a grey hair.”

Gavin backed away from me like I

was holding a snake, got out of my bed
and practically stumbled over to the
round antique mirror hanging on my
wall. In the mirror he examined his

244/321

hair, brushing it through with his hands
to one side and then the other. I smiled.
“Babe,” I said as I walked over to him. I
hugged him from behind. “Don’t freak
out.” I squeezed my arms around his
waist and pressed the side of my face
against his back.

“I didn’t wake up this morning,

look in the mirror and think: You know
what would look really hot? Some gray
hair!”

I laughed. “Gavin, it’s no big deal!

You’re not going to go completely gray
for, like, years! In fact, I kind of like it.”

He turned around and looked

down at me. “Really?”

I nodded. I pulled the end of his t-

shirt down to straighten it out. It was
twisted to the side from lying on the

245/321

bed. “If your hair turns out like your
dad’s I’d hardly mind.”

I felt Gavin’s body tense. “Please

leave him out of daily conversation. I
only want to hear about him if he’s, say,
dead or dying.”

I frowned. “Why won’t you tell me

what happened in his office a couple
weeks ago? I want to know what he said
to you.”

“No.”
I looked up at him. “That’s it?

No?”

“I love you, Sydney. I don’t want

to hurt you with the stupid things he
said. He meant for those words to hurt
me, not you.”

If he only knew that not telling

me was actually hurting me. I never for-
got the fact that he had opened up to

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Elise about his issues with his father
when he was with her. He hasn’t told
me anything, not one detail, about how
it was growing up with his father. I’ve
told him everything there is to know
about me. Why is he hiding it from me?
Does he think I would use it against him
the way Elise did? I hope not.

“You have a lot of anger towards

him and I’m worried if you get your
wish and something happens to your
dad you’ll never forgive yourself,” I
voiced. Gavin frowned. “Hey, I’m not
saying you have to be buddy-buddy
with him. I’m just saying you have to let
it go.”

“I am letting it go. I don’t care

what he thinks anymore. Okay, Ms. Psy-
chiatrist?” I pouted at him. I was sure
he was still hung up on whatever Mr.

247/321

Caselle had said. “How are classes go-
ing?” he smiled.

“Great, thanks to your sugges-

tion.” I grinned.

“I knew you’d like psychology. So,

do you want to go somewhere for lunch
today?”

“Nah. I’m sure there’s some of

your mom’s leftover Gnocchi still in the
fridge,” I joked. We both laughed.

I love to hear him laugh. I relish

in the thought that I am responsible for
some of those alto laughs, laughs that
vibrate through me when I’m drawn
close to him. Sometimes he is like that
statue of Apollo the god, basking in the
light of his sun, overjoyed and his arms
lifted towards the warmth of it. I want
him to smile forever. I don’t ever want
to disappoint him.

248/321

Gavin smiled down at me for a

moment. His green eyes were so stun-
ning against his olive skin. He lowered
his head and, unexpectedly, kissed me
tenderly on the forehead.

***

“Hey Sara!” Sydney smiled as

Sara ran over to her and hugged her leg.
She bent down and picked her up.
“Aww, you look so pretty, baby!” Sara
was wearing a frilly yellow sundress and
little yellow ribbons in her soft curly
hair. “Are you going to give Auntie a
kiss?” Sara turned her head away smil-
ing. “Pwease?” Sydney pouted. Sara
quickly kissed Sydney on the cheek.
“Aww, thank you so much!” Sydney
placed Sara down and she ran towards
the living room. Sydney followed her

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and found Gavin sitting on the couch
talking to Elizabeth.

“Hey guys. Gavin, what are you

doing over here?”

“Well if you think we’re here

planning your birthday present you’re
wrong,” Elizabeth smiled innocently.

“I’m just here hanging out with

the family,” Gavin smiled unsurely.

“Okaaay.” Gavin and Elizabeth re-

ceived suspicious looks from Sydney.
She sat down on the couch and the
three of them spent the evening playing
with Sara and baking chocolate chip
cookies. By the time Evan came home,
Sara had fallen fast asleep.

“’Evening

everyone,”

Evan

greeted us as he walked into the house.
He kicked off his boots at the door,
walked over to the living room and gave

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Liz a kiss, gave Sydney a smile and Gav-
in a nod, and then went into the bath-
room to wash his hands. He worked at a
packing company doing maintenance
on the packaging machines so his hands
were streaked with oil. He came back
into the living room. “What were you
guys up to while I was gone?”

“Well, we were The Wiggles for a

good part of the day,” said Liz.

Evan laughed. “I’m sure Sara en-

joyed that.” He picked up Liz’s hand
and kissed her knuckles. Gavin reached
over and held Sydney’s hand.

“Evan, did things change for you

two when you got married?”

Sydney was a little puzzled by

Gavin’s question. It had been a month
since the accusations Gavin had made
about her and Evan and even though it

251/321

had been put to rest on Gavin’s end,
Evan had felt the animosity at the
double date and the two had cordially
kept their distance ever since.

“Well,” Evan started and then

looked at his wife Liz as he thought
about a response, “I would say that
things have definitely changed for us
because we have a beautiful child to-
gether and we’ve had to change our pri-
orities around to be good parents. But if
you’re talking about any changes in our
relationship, just me and Liz, I would
say that getting married made things
better.” Liz nodded and winked at Gav-
in and Sydney. “I know that sounds
weird because the popular belief is that
it’s all downhill from there.”

Gavin chuckled. “Yeah, Jay keeps

me reminded of that. Cool. Um, Evan,

252/321

could I talk to you outside for a
minute?” Evan cocked an eyebrow and
then

looked

at

Sydney.

Sydney

shrugged.

“Uh, sure.” The two men stood up

from the couch and walked out to the
deck in the backyard.

“What was that about?”
“Oh, I think this is great Sydney! I

think our guys are going to be best
friends! Wouldn’t that be cool?”

“I guess so.”
“I bet they’re talking about you

Sydney!”

“And exactly why would they be

doing that?”

“No

reason,”

Elizabeth

said

quickly. “So, how are those psychology
classes going? Good?”

253/321

***

“Okay, so after you stuff me with

amazing Spanish food you want to put
me on the Tilt-O-Whirl?”

“No! We can go on the Ferris

wheel. Whatever you want Birthday
Girl.”

“That’s right,” she grinned. “Since

it’s my birthday and I can do what I
please, I say we go on the Ferris wheel.”

Gavin laughed. “Didn’t I just say

that?”

Sydney rushed towards the Ferris

wheel. “Can’t hear you! It’s not your
birthday!”

Gavin smiled as he watched

Sydney gleefully head for the amuse-
ment park ride. The night was perfect.
The air was cool and the skies were

254/321

starry. The glow of all the lights on the
rides made everything feel dream-like.
Plus, the beach where they’d had their
second date was nearby.

Sydney was wearing a silky

cream-colored halter dress with gold
and red Egyptian style lotus flowers on
the ties that go behind the neck and in
the border along the empire waist. Gav-
in watched as the material of her dress
skimmed across her thighs and the ends
of the ribbon tied at her neck grazed
along her back. Liz had curled her hair
for her that afternoon; her black curls
were soft and shiny. Gavin caught up to
her smiling with his hands in the pock-
ets of his brown Dockers. The two slid
into one of the seats and Sydney rested
her head on his shoulder as they waited

255/321

for the other people to get on and the
ride to start.

When the wheel started moving

Sydney popped up and began peering
down from their seat, watching the
ground grow smaller and smaller.

“Don’t look down if you’re

scared.”

“I’m not scared! I’m excited!”

Sydney grinned as she looped her arm
through his and her hand grasped at his
sleeve at the crook of his arm.

Gavin chuckled at the expression

of wonder on her face. The lights from
the Ferris wheel made her brown skin
look even softer. He consciously took a
mental picture of the way she looked to-
night. “Wow, this is beautiful!” Sydney
commented as their seat rose to the top
of the wheel and they got a view of the

256/321

ocean and the lights of the city. She
turned to Gavin. “Thank you so much
for this. This is amazing. Gavin…are you
alright?”

Gavin rubbed at his eyes and

cleared

his

throat.

“Yeah,

just

something in my eye, I guess.”

“Oh, Gavin! Don’t cry or I’ll start

crying!” Sydney’s eyes began to tear up.
“See!”

“I’m sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” Sydney sniffled.
“Nothing’s wrong! I just…can’t

believe how my little girl has grown up
and become a woman. Ah!” Gavin
chuckled as Sydney punched him and
slapped him a few times on the arm.
“I’m just kidding!”

“Grrrr!”

257/321

“Ooo, kinky! Could you neigh like

a zebra? That really gets me going.” He
wiggled his eyebrows. Sydney burst out
laughing. When she finally quieted
down she sat and admired Gavin. The
jade green long-sleeved button-down
shirt was really bringing out his eyes.

Those eyes were only for her. At

first the idea that Gavin was so captiv-
ated by her had creeped her out; she
didn’t want to be the only one respons-
ible for his happiness. But at this time
in the relationship she couldn’t imagine
her life without him because her happi-
ness was now very much with him. She
was in love. How crazy! She got as close
as possible to him in the seat and
snuggled up to him with her head over
his heart. She breathed in his cologne.

258/321

She brushed her lips very lightly against
his neck. He smiled.

“Sydney, that tickles.”
“I know,” she smiled.
The Ferris wheel slowed to a stop

with them at the bottom. Gavin held
Sydney’s hand and helped her out of the
carriage. They decided to take the long
walk out to the beach beside the amuse-
ment park. When they reached there
they smiled at each other both thinking
of the date they’d had there. Sydney
slipped off her shoes and buried her
toes in the sand. It was still warm be-
neath the surface. Gavin slipped out of
his shoes and socks and rolled up his
pants legs. He walked over to the shore
and stepped into the shallow water.
Sydney followed. He looked out into the
black horizon. Sydney noticed he was

259/321

very pensive so she just looked out into
the horizon and found herself lost in
thought. When she came back to the
present she looked over to find that
Gavin had walked off and was walking a
few feet down the shoreline.

She turned and started walking

towards him, looking down at the foot-
steps he had left in the sand, making
her own footprints alongside his. Gavin
turned and saw that she was following
him. He smiled and turned around to
keep walking. “Hey you!” Sydney called
out, “You get back here!” She continued
to follow him. She watched as he
kneeled down to pick up something
from the sand. She caught up to him
and peered down over his shoulder.
“Did you find a sand dollar?” When
Gavin turned around to show here what

260/321

he’d found, he was holding a diamond
ring.

Sydney made her mouse squeak

and cupped her hands over her mouth
to stop herself from screaming. The
sound of her mouse squeak made Gav-
in’s smile even bigger. Both Gavin and
Sydney had tears falling down their
faces.

“Sydney, you are…the most beau-

tiful thing that has ever entered my life;
inside and out. You’re sweet, you’re
smart, you’re funny, you’re strong…I
just love you so much. I can’t imagine
myself living without you. I want to be
with you for the rest of my life, for you
to be my wife, the mother of my chil-
dren, everything.” Sydney let out anoth-
er mouse squeak. Gavin chuckled.

261/321

“Sydney, will you make me the happiest
man in the world? Will you marry me?”

Sydney looked down at him with

fear in her eyes and started to shake her
head no. Gavin blinked, confused.
Sydney moved her hands from her
mouth. “I can’t.”

“Why…why not?”
“Oh my God, I thought I told

you,” Sydney cried.

Gavin stood up. “Told me what?”
“I can’t have kids.”
Gavin’s heart sunk. “You can’t?

Sydney what happened?” He reached
out and held her hand. She pulled it out
of his grasp.

“No,” Sydney’s voice trembled,

“I’m fine physically. I don’t want kids. I
don’t want to have kids. I can’t do it!”

262/321

“But Sydney, I’ve seen you with

Sara. You’d be a great mom.”

“Gavin!” Sydney wailed. “No!”
“Are you sure? I mean, are you

positive this isn’t a decision you’ll grow
out of?”

“This isn’t some adolescent aver-

sion! I’ve thought this decision through.
Oh, I thought I told you. How could I
have not told you? I’m so sorry I wasted
your time. I’ve wasted so much time,”
Sydney wailed.

“Our relationship was a waste of

time?” Gavin asked quietly.

“I’m sorry,” Sydney whispered

and quickly walked away towards the
amusement park. For only a few
seconds he watched the heart wrench-
ing sight of her walking away. He
turned away and became very familiar

263/321

with the sight of the bleak pitch black
horizon and the dark murky waters.
That’s how it felt.

Sydney used her cell phone to call

a cab home. Once she got home she
realized she needed to talk to Liz. She
got into her car and drove over to Liz’s
house. She sat in her car in Elizabeth’s
driveway for a moment and cried. She
was sitting in front of Liz’s house crying
in her car; back to where she’d started.
This was not how things were supposed
to end.

He was the one who would even-

tually grow tired of her and leave her.
She was prepared for that. That's what
most men do. That’s what her father
had done. Never had she anticipated
she would be the one leaving Gavin be-
hind. She had just walked away from

264/321

the love of her life. She had no choice
but to go. She'd wasted so much of his
time and shattered both of their
dreams. If only she wasn't so adamant
about not having children. If only she
could have kept that beautiful smile on
his face. "God," she whispered, "Please
don't let him beat himself up over this."

She wiped the tears from off of

the steering wheel and from off of her
face and got out of the car. She hobbled
over to the front door and rang the
doorbell. Liz answered with a huge
smile on her face.

“How did it go? Where’s the ring,

let me see!” Elizabeth grabbed her left
hand. “Sydney…where’s your ring?”
Sydney started to shake with sobs. “Oh
no! Sydney! I’m so sorry.” Elizabeth
hugged Sydney to her.

265/321

“I’m

so

stupid!”

Sydney

blubbered.

“No no,” said Liz, “Shhh, it’ll be

okay.” She directed her into the house
and closed the front door behind them.

Gavin was sure he’d made numer-

ous traffic violations on his drive home.
He was so angry he had blurred vision.
And he was muttering things to himself,
things his father and Elise had once told
him when his father got angry and
when Elise was leaving. Worthless piece
of garbage!...You loser!...You sicken me
with all your whiny bullshit! Man up
already!...You are a complete waste of
my time! He realized that Elise’s and
his father’s insults were so similar he
couldn’t tell them apart anymore. He
mechanically shut off his car and got
out of his car. All the muscles in his

266/321

body felt taut. He stiffly climbed the
stairs up to his apartment. He wiped the
sand off of his bare feet onto the wel-
come mat. He’d left his shoes at the
beach. Once inside he went through to
all the rooms and flicked the lights on.
Still he had no answers.

He sauntered into his bedroom

and glanced around. His eyes landed on
the figure of Apollo on one of his night
tables. Apollo stood with his arms
raised towards the sky as he sang to the
sun, smiling, his head turned upwards
and his white marble eyes gleaming.
Gavin walked over and picked up the
statue. Then he hurled it towards the
wall. It crashed through the dry wall
and fell with a thud to the bottom of the
hollow within the wall.

267/321

Gavin stared at the hole in the

wall slightly amazed at the con-
sequences of his anger. He thought to
himself that this anger was better than
pathetically crawling into his bed to die
like he’d done a couple years ago. He
got into bed and fell asleep. When he
awoke the next morning he was furious.

268/321

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

My mother and I stood staring at

the telephone as it rang. “It’s Gavin
again isn’t it?” my mom asked. I nod-
ded. “Why don’t you pick up and talk to
him?”

“Because…he’s

angry…and

he

thinks he can change my mind.”

Beep. “Sydney, answer the phone.

I know you’re there. You need to talk to
me. Why weren’t you clear, Sydney?
You should have made it clear that you
didn’t trust me enough or love me
enough to ever consider me being the
father of your future children. Or that
there are no future children! Is that
right? I’m not going to let you do this to

me Sydney. I’m not going to cave and be
weak and pathetic like with Elise. I’m
going to fight this and you are going to
hear me out! You can’t stomp all over
me and leave. Answer the phone,
Sydney.” Beep.

The phone immediately started

ringing again. My mom put her arm
around my shoulder and hugged me to
her. I laid my head on her shoulder.

Beep. “Sydney. I don’t under-

stand. You know I love you. I want to
spend the rest of my life with you. I
don’t understand why you…Make me
understand what I did wrong.”

My stomach and my heart sank. I

know he loves me, and I love him, but
that’s not it. I don’t know how to make
him understand. Even if he did under-
stand I don’t want him to throw his

270/321

dream of having a family away just be-
cause of me.

“Am I not responsible enough, or

something? You don’t want a family? At
all? I don’t get it. Your mom had you,
and twenty years later you’re the love of
my life. Don’t you want that for another
person in the future? Sydney, tell me
what it is! Dammit, I’ll try to fix it!”
Beep.

I went into my room and got my

cell phone off of my night table. I
dialed.

“Hi, um, Jay? This is Sydney.

Gavin…I broke up with Gavin. I think
you should go check on him.”

***

271/321

“Gavin?” Jay called as he walked

into Gavin’s apartment. The door had
been

unlocked.

“It’s

Jason!”

He

breathed in the strong smell of cleaning
products. He scrunched his nose and
scanned the apartment. Every surface
was immaculate. The hardwood floors
were polished to a glossy shine. Jay
walked carefully onto the waxed floors
trying not to slip and fall. The apart-
ment looked like a model home. Gavin
ran out of his bedroom, startling Jay.
“Hey man. What’s going on?” Jay asked.
He noticed that Gavin was sweating
profusely. His forehead was dripping
with it.

“Why are you here? Did Sydney

call you?”

“Yeah, I heard the bad news.”

272/321

“Why is she calling you and not

me?!” Gavin shouted.

“Whoa! Chill out, Gavin.”
“Oh, don’t tell me to fuckin’ chill

out. What the hell do you know about
what I’m going through?”

Jay was silent. Gavin disappeared

back into his bedroom. He didn’t know
exactly how Gavin was feeling but as al-
ways he would be there for his best
friend. Memories of having to force
Gavin to eat a year ago came to mind.
The way Gavin was acting was much
different then that episode. This was
scarier. Jay slowly walked towards Gav-
in’s bedroom. When he looked inside he
saw why Gavin was sweating. Gavin was
on his hands and knees scrubbing the
floor. He watched as Gavin dipped the
brush into a bucket of soapy water and

273/321

continued scrubbing. Jay shook his
head.

“When did you become such a

clean freak?”

“I’m just doing a little cleaning

just in case Sydney drops in.” Gavin
tossed the brush into the bucket and
stood up and smiled. Jay locked eyes
with Gavin. Gavin’s eyes looked differ-
ent to him. They looked glassy.

“Gavin, are you feeling okay?”
“How do you think I feel?” Gavin

snapped.

“Sorry,” Jay mumbled. Then he

noticed the big hole in the wall. “Dang!
Gavin what did you do?”

“When I got back from proposing

to Sydney I just kind of went a little
crazy,” Gavin chuckled, barely smiling,
staring at the hole.

274/321

Jay’s jaw dropped. “Dude, you

proposed to Sydney?”

Gavin nodded slowly.
“Wow.”
“Yup. ‘Wow’ is right. Didn’t quite

go as I planned, but don’t worry about
me, Jay. I’m a fighter.” Gavin pretended
to be a boxer and made some jabs at the
air. “I’m going to get her back, man.
She’ll turn around. I left her some mes-
sages on her answering machine and I
left her some on her cell phone. I think
she might drop by real soon.” Gavin ran
a hand roughly through his damp black
hair.

Jay walked over to Gavin and put

a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know
why this stuff happens to you. I wish
you would lay off the serious relation-
ships already.”

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“You want to know why this stuff

happens to me?” he said through
clenched teeth. Jason took away his
hand and stepped back. “It’s not be-
cause I won’t be a Don Juan like you.
The problem is she’s scared like you,
Jason!” he roared “I don’t need your
fucking sympathy! I need you to fix it!
Help me fix it!” Gavin clutched at his
stomach. “Ahh,” he whimpered. He
slapped a hand over his mouth and ran
to the bathroom. Jay grimaced at the
sound of him vomiting. Jay waited for
Gavin to be done, then went into the
bathroom and handed Gavin a cup of
water. Gavin couldn’t drink it; he was
too busy sitting on the bathroom floor
crying.

Jay took the cup back out of Gav-

in’s hand and placed it on the counter.

276/321

He sat down on the floor next to his
best friend. Gavin wiped at his face but
the tears kept on falling. “It’ll be okay,
Gavin. Promise me you’ll go see Dr.
Ramirez tomorrow morning.”

Gavin nodded. “I didn’t mean

what I said. I’m sorry you’re always the
one to deal with me like this, man.”

“You’d do the same for me.”

***

How do I explain how much this

hurts? Well, my heart literally hurts. I
can’t go an hour without being wracked
with anxiety and the queasiness that
comes with fear because the reality of
not being with him keeps hitting me. I
can’t go anywhere without seeing
something that reminds me of him; of

277/321

us. I'm perpetually on the verge of
breaking into tears and I've bitten my
fingernails down horribly. I haven’t
spoken more than three whole sen-
tences the entire week and that was
after my mother cried and begged me to
reassure her I wasn't going to hurt my-
self in anyway. She didn’t even cry when
my father left. Every night I cry myself
to sleep and I don’t think I’ve slept
more than three hours at a time. My
hair is a mess and I’ve been living in
sweats. I’m ashamed to say I’ve forgot-
ten to take a shower a few times. I pray
every night that God help me get to the
other side of this intense sharp-edged
hurt that I feel.

I've been trying to rationalize

having a child. People do it every day. I
could do it if I had to. But then I know I

278/321

wouldn't do it well. There's too much
bullshit in this world and I've been
scarred. Why would I want to subject an
innocent child to this world? There is
nothing anyone can tell me that could
change my mind. I couldn't live with a
child's despair, my own child's despair,
on my conscience. I believe in God, but
no amount of prayer is going to save a
child from my mistakes or the evil
people in this world. And despite Gav-
in’s wish a child of ours could live to ex-
perience the love we’ve shared, not
everyone in the world gets to feel true
love. The wheel of fortune just doesn’t
work that way. Just look at what
happened to us.

I find myself thinking if I'd just

throw away my convictions I could be
with Gavin again. And I almost do,

279/321

because it hurts so bad to not have him
with me. So damn bad. Why would I
bring someone into this world to feel a
hurt like I'm feeling? To feel such
disappointment?

So many questions.
Don't you love him? Oh, of

course, with every single cell in my
body.

Can't I just talk this out with

him? But he's angry at me. I don't
blame him but I'm scared of him yelling
at me, talking to me like those messages
he left. On the other hand, I'm afraid of
him agreeing with me, saying that he
doesn't want kids and then regretting it
years down the line. Or, I'm afraid I
might give in, marry him and have his
kids, and regret it years later as well.

280/321

Aren't I too young to be married

anyways? Isn't this happening too
fast? We've only known each other five
months! Maybe. Probably. I've just been
fooling myself thinking I can handle be-
ing in a truly serious relationship. It's
all I've ever wanted and I don't know
what to do with it. He's all I've ever
wanted and I ran away.

I...I need him. I pride myself in

being this strong individual but I need
him. I'm not sure he needs me. He
might want me but does he need me
and all the issues, all the stupidity and
naiveté that I bring to the table?

Even though it hurts so incredibly

bad I’m not going to be selfish and go
back to him. I have to be mature about
this. There are many fishes in the sea.
I’m sure there is a girl out there that is

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closer to his age, that’s prettier, that his
family will accept, and who’ll want to
have his beautiful children. I just hope I
never ever have to run into them in the
future.

***

“Dr. Ramirez will see you now.”
Gavin stood up and walked into

his psychiatrist’s office. “Hey Dr.
Ramirez.”

“Hello Mr. Caselle. Nice to see

you again. What can I help you with
today?”

Gavin sat down on the leather

sofa across from Dr. Ramirez’s desk. He
watched as Dr. Ramirez smoothed his
eyebrows and pushed up his glasses.

282/321

Gavin smiled at the familiar gesture.
“Well, there’s been another break up.”

“How long was this relationship?”
“About…five months.”
“Only five months, but it seems

like it was very serious.”

“Yes. Yes it was.”
“Why do you think it ended?”
“She

rejected

my

marriage

proposal.”

“Hmm. I’m sure that was very

hard on you.”

“Yes.”
“She said no to the proposal so

you ended it with her?”

“No. I tried to talk to her but she

wouldn’t answer my phone calls. And
when I proposed she told me she didn’t
want to get married because she didn’t
want to have kids with me.”

283/321

“What do you mean? Do you

mean she didn’t want to have kids spe-
cifically with you? Or in general?”

“I don’t know. I guess in general,

but that still includes me doesn’t it?”
Gavin said annoyed.

“Once the reality of that rejection

set in, what did you feel?”

“I felt…angry. I put a hole

through a wall in my apartment. With a
statue. A marble statue.”

“Well, that sounds as if you were

quite angry. What did you feel next?”

“The next day I was still angry

and I felt really anxious and then I felt
everything crash down on me. I felt
dizzy and sick. And then I felt really
horrible. I cried for almost an hour.”

284/321

“You cried. That’s great. I think

that it’s good that you allowed yourself
to cry.”

“Why? It didn’t fix anything.”
“Remember when you were clin-

ically depressed a year ago?”

Gavin nodded.
“Not once did you cry. You were

still very restricted by your dad’s teach-
ings. I think it is good that you cried.
You will be able to move on and feel
much healthier.”

“I don’t want to move on. I want

to get her back. She had issues with her
dad leaving her family when she was
younger. I need to convince her that I
wouldn’t do that. I love her.”

“I think that it would be best for

you to focus on yourself right now.

285/321

Don’t focus on her problems because
only she can fix them.”

“I am focusing on myself. She

makes me the happiest I’ve ever been
and I’ve never even slept with her!
Doesn’t that say something? If I con-
vince her that she can trust me and she
decides to be with me then I’ll be happy
again. Isn’t that good for me?”

Dr. Ramirez shook his head. “Mr.

Caselle, I truly believe it would be best
for you to cut off contact with her for
awhile and focus on yourself and the
truth of your needs.”

Gavin stood up from his seat. “I’m

sorry doctor, you’ve been great and all,
but I’m not going to listen to this.
Sydney could do your job so much
better.”

286/321

“Wait. Mr. Caselle, we’re not done

with our session. Mr. Caselle!”

***

“Ciao Mama.” Gavin kissed his

mother.

“Oh, Gavie. It’s so good to see

you.”

“You haven’t called me Gavie in

years.”

“Well, you look like you need a bit

of comforting. You don’t look like you’re
getting enough sleep, baby. Come sit
down and eat.”

“That’s okay Mom. I’m not

hungry.”

Luisa gave him a hurt look. “Oh,

how could you say that to your own
mother?!”

287/321

“Fine, I’ll have a plate.”
Luisa clapped her hands together

and went into the kitchen. She returned
with a plate topped with a towering
slice of tiramisu. Gavin’s jaw dropped
but he knew better than to refuse it. She
sat beside him and watched as he ate a
small spoonful.

“Is Dad home?”
“No. He’s out playing golf with

the guys.”

Gavin felt relieved but only

briefly. “So, you’re at home by yourself,
Mom?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m

used to it by now. Anyways,” Luisa
grinned, “How’s you and Sydney?”

Gavin looked down at the leaning

tower of tiramisu in front of him. “It
didn’t work out.”

288/321

Luisa gasped. “What do you

mean? Did you…?”

“Yeah I proposed but…she said

no.”

“Oh, Gavin!” She lovingly ran a

hand along his cheek and then
smoothed back his hair. “I don’t under-
stand! Was it because she wasn’t ready?
Too young?”

“No. She doesn’t want to have

kids.”

“Oh.”

Luisa

thought

for

a

moment.

“What?” Gavin noticed his Mom’s

thoughtful expression.

“Nothing. It’s just that I can un-

derstand where she’s coming from.”

“Really?” Gavin said surprised.
“Yes. I mean I love you and all but

you were a piece of work! Oh, you were

289/321

such a cute baby!” She pinched his
cheek and he smiled and rolled his eyes.
“I remember when you were a baby and
you always had this diaper rash and it
would go from your left butt cheek to
your right cheek and back again. And I
could never quite figure out what to do
to stop it.”

“Mom! Could we please get back

to the subject?”

“Oh, but the rash went away.

Didn’t it sweetie? It sure did. Anyways,
what was I saying? Oh yes, babies are a
lot of work. Plus, they aren’t babies
forever. Unfortunately they become
teenagers with hormones all over the
place who don’t tell you what they really
want and get upset when you don’t give
it to them and suddenly you have to
knock before you enter their rooms!

290/321

Then they’re holed up in their bed-
rooms but they want to know why they
feel so lonely! Son, it’s hard work, par-
enting, and a guilty job. I feel bad every-
day about the mistakes I made raising
you.”

“Mom,

you’ve

always

been

wonderful.”

“Thanks but you don’t have to lie

to me, honey. I’ve made my mistakes. I
was too harsh on you in some situations
and other times I should have been less
of a pushover. And when they had to
put you on that medication last year,”
Luisa’s eyes began to water.

“It’s not your fault. I had issues

that had nothing to do with you. I’m not
even on medication anymore. I haven’t
been on it since I’ve been with Sydney.
Was with Sydney.”

291/321

“But those thoughts you had

about yourself, the way you put yourself
down all the time. That didn’t come
from nowhere.”

“And it didn’t come from you

either. It came from Dad.”

Luisa was quiet a moment. “Your

dad means well. In his own mind he did
what he had to do, however hard it may
have been for you and for him, in order
for you to be the best.”

“Well his best is an impossible

standard to meet. Don’t you remember
all those times he’d make me clean the
whole house when I wouldn’t place at
my track meets, trying to emasculate
me? Remember how he said I deserved
to get on my hands and knees like the
bitch I was and scrub until I was a win-
ner? Until I was a man? You were there.

292/321

You helped me pretend to be sick some-
times so I wouldn’t have to go to a meet
and disappoint Dad again. But he ac-
cused me of not being man enough to
go to the meet anyways. And the things
he said about Sydney?”

“I know,” Luisa lowered her head.

“I didn’t know how to both stay loyal to
my husband and contradict him to pro-
tect my son. I wish I had been stronger
so that I could’ve saved you from some
of his anger. You see? You see how the
sins of the parents are laid upon the
children?” Luisa sniffled.

“You couldn’t have possibly pro-

tected me from everything. You had
work and you had to keep the house to-
gether. You’re only human, Mom.”

“So is your father,” Luisa pointed

out.

293/321

Gavin reluctantly admitted to

himself that simple fact.

“Your father…it’s hard for him

too. He had it so bad when he was
younger. So bad! I wish he could tell
you what happened to him. He had no
father. What he had was a monster.
Then maybe you could understand. But,
even then, your sadness is still there.
We never quite get over what our par-
ents’ issues were and then we pass the
burden on to our children. I don’t want
to scare you, Gavie. Having kids is an
absolutely beautiful thing. I would love
to have some grandchildren running
around here! But you have to think
about what you think would make you
happy and what would truly make you
happy. Si’?”

“Si’.”

294/321

“Luisa! I’m home!”
Luisa and Gavin looked at each

other. “I’m in the dining room, Daniel!”
Luisa yelled. “Gavin’s here!”

Mr. Caselle walked into the room

and Gavin stood up from the table.

“Hi Dad.”
Mr. Caselle nodded in response.
“Can I talk to you in your office?”
Wordlessly Mr. Caselle turned

around and headed for his office with
Gavin following. He sat down in the big
leather chair behind his desk and stared
at his son. Mr. Caselle noticed the dark
shadows under his eyes; the green eyes
Gavin had gotten from Luisa. He
wanted to ask him what was wrong but
he couldn’t form the right words. His
frustration with expressing something

295/321

so simple with his son just made him
feel angry.

“Dad, I want you to know that I

want to marry Sydney. I love her with
everything in me. Things between her
and I are rocky right now but they’ll get
better if I figure some things out on my
end. That includes understanding you. I
know I told you I don’t care what you
think or what you say, but I do. Papa,
you can’t possibly mean all those things
you say. Why can’t you see me happy
and just let it be?”

“Being happy for a moment isn’t

good enough. You need to think long
term. If you want to be happy in this
world you have to be a winner at what
you do. You’re doing alright at that ad-
vertisement firm, I give you credit for
that, but you don’t have a winning

296/321

attitude! You let girls walk all over you
and turn you into a blubbering mess
who needs to take pills to be normal!”

“I’m not on the pills anymore.”
“Well, good for you,” Daniel said,

trying hard to take the sarcastic edge off
of his voice. It was always hard, almost
impossible, to say something positive to
his son, especially when it had to do
with how his son felt. As far as he was
concerned, a real man didn’t whine and
cry and have half as many feelings as
Gavin did. He could already tell that
Gavin had been crying and moping
around over that teenager who appar-
ently had the good sense to leave him.
She must have realized how the rela-
tionship would wreck his son’s future as
well as hers. Mr. Caselle wasn’t racist.
He was just rational. He knew his son

297/321

didn’t have what it takes to be married
to a black woman. He’d never handle
the controversy it would cause in pub-
lic. The boy was weak. From the mo-
ment he’d seen the timid, sensitive glint
in three-year-old Gavin’s eyes Mr.
Caselle knew he would need to threaten
it out of him. He’d been determined to
make sure his son was strong, because
he knew first hand there was evil in this
world. The only way his son would
make it in this world was to stop wear-
ing his heart on his sleeve.

“Where do you think my attitude

comes from?” Gavin asked. “Was I born
to think I was insignificant if I wasn’t on
top of my game? I was genetically con-
figured to call myself every name in the
book until I was sure I knew I was
worthless and wrong? I was made this

298/321

way? To become a mad man when I
lost? To get down on my hands and
knees and punish myself when I didn’t
get first prize? Dad, where do you think
that came from?”

Daniel was silent. Gavin had nev-

er spoken to him this way before.

“Dad, I got it from you. You

taught me to think this way. And did it
work, Dad? Does it look like its work-
ing?” he said as the tears fell down his
face. “I’m crying right now and all I
want to do is hit myself! I hate myself
for being human and for being imper-
fect. Sydney’s not talking to me…Do I
look like a winner to you?! Is this what
you had in mind?!”

“No!” Daniel burst. The sight of

his son crying was always unbearable. It
frightened him, therefore it enraged

299/321

him. “This is not at all what I had in
mind! I wanted a son that was the best
at what he did so that he could be more
confident and stronger than I ever was!”
Daniel slammed his fist onto his desk.
“Maybe I should have broken your arm!
Maybe I should have tried to drown
you! But I could never bring myself to
do to you what my dad did to me.
Maybe I should have, and then you’d
have turned out differently. The sniff-
ling, miserable wreck sitting in front of
me right now is not what I wanted at
all!”

Gavin managed a small, sad

smile. “That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Mr. Caselle’s brows furrowed, not

understanding his son’s words.

Mom had been telling Gavin for

years that his father meant well, but

300/321

Gavin had always been convinced that
his father hated him, until now. Now
he’d heard from his own father’s mouth
that behind his harsh words was a man
who had been broken once and who just
didn’t want the same for his son. The
funny thing was that the outcome his
father feared most was exactly what
he’d created: Gavin was broken. And
maybe if his father hadn’t been so hard
on him he would have been a more con-
fident and strong person who believed
he deserved the things he wanted in life.
Then he would have never let Sydney
walk away from him so easily that night
on the beach.

Gavin wiped the drying tears

from his face and took a deep breath.
He wondered if when he had children
they’d be crying to him too when they

301/321

got older and feeling the way he was
feeling now; almost thirty years old and
still hurting over what happened when
he was a child. He wouldn’t wish this
hurt on anyone. “I just hope that you
can understand that what you say is
only hurting me, not toughening me up,
not making me a winner or making me
happy. I want you to know that I love
you, Dad. And for the first time in my
life I think I see that you’ve loved me
too.”

Gavin’s dad looked at his son

across the desk. Mr. Caselle felt a huge
pain in his chest, words trying to come
out, but as usual he couldn’t get them
past his lips. Gavin nodded and left his
father’s office.

“So? How did it go?”

302/321

“I think he understands now,

Mom.”

“Oh that’s great! He loves you so

much. Do you know that, Gavie?”

“I guess.”
“My only son.” Luisa kissed him

on both cheeks. “Tell me you’re going to
find a way to talk to Sydney.”

“I need to think about things

some more, but you’re right. Making a
child happy, trying to make another hu-
man being happy in this world is so
hard.”

“Gavin,” called a deep voice. Luisa

and Gavin turned to find Mr. Caselle
standing there with his hands behind
his back and his feet apart reminiscent
of a soldier. He walked, slowly, towards
his wife and son. Gavin tensed as his
father drew closer and Luisa, standing

303/321

beside him, squeezed on his arm.
Daniel locked eyes with Gavin and Gav-
in watched as his father’s face softened.
“I love you, Gavin.”

Gavin was stunned. The last time

he’d heard his father this emotionally
available he had been six years old with
a horrible stomach flu that had landed
him in the hospital and still he hadn’t
said he loved him. Gavin was even more
stunned when his father pulled him into
a firm hug. Slowly, Gavin raised his
arms and hugged back. He couldn’t take
the smile off of his face when his father
said, “I’m sorry for what I said about
Sydney. She seems like a good girl.
She’s made you stronger than I ever
have. Strong enough to talk to me the
way you have lately. You have my
blessing.”

304/321

***

“Hello, Hannah.”
“Hiya, Sydney,” Hannah winked.
Sydney cringed as she swiped

Hannah’s usual questionable items
across the scanner and to the new bag
boy. His name was Josh and he was
very nice for a sixteen year old with a
metal mouth and unfortunate acne.
Josh was smart though, so Sydney ap-
preciated that he could talk her through
some of her college math assignments
between customers. Plus, Sydney and
he were the only black people who
worked at Dennison’s so it was cool to
work together. It was a momentary dis-
traction from her heartbreak.

305/321

She had been feeling better lately.

She still couldn't sleep but she was get-
ting used to the physical symptoms of
her grief. She hardly noticed the sore-
ness of her limbs and her eyes now
stayed dry because she was all cried out.
Sydney watched as Hannah’s short at-
tention span went from a candy bar, to
examining her nails, to smiling devil-
ishly at a can of whipped topping she
was buying, to looking at Josh.

“Hello sexy bag boy. You’re new

aren’t you? I’ve never seen you here
before?”

Josh was flabbergasted.
“I see that your name is Josh. Hi

Josh, I’m Hannah. What do you do for
fun?”

“Um, homework?” Josh looked

over at Sydney with wide pleading eyes.

306/321

Sydney watched as Ho-ish Han-

nah’s hand went up to squeeze Josh’s
skinny bicep. “It must take a strong boy
to lift all these heavy groceries all day.”

Josh squirmed away from her

grasp and pushed the bridge of his
glasses up. Sydney watched in horror as
Hannah moved closer and closer to
Josh, the flotation devices on her chest
threatening to run into him. Sydney
reached over and smacked Hannah
hard on the shoulder.

“Owww!”
“Sorry Hannah…Thought I saw a

mosquito.” Sydney struggled to stop
herself from laughing. It was the first
time in a while that she truly felt like
laughing.

307/321

Hannah glared and rolled her

eyes at Sydney. Then she turned back to
Josh. “So, what are you doing later?”

“Uh, Ma’am, I’m sixteen years

old.” Josh protested.

“And…?”
“And I’m not interested.”
Hannah raised an eyebrow. “Oh.”

She paid for her groceries and angrily
pushed her cart out of the store.

Sydney laughed and gave Josh a

high-five.

“That

was

hilarious!

‘And…I’m not interested’!” Sydney im-
personated Josh.

Josh laughed. “’Sorry, I thought I

saw a mosquito’,” Josh repeated.

Even though Sydney was being

silly with Josh, in the back of her mind
she was thinking of all the times she'd
laughed with Gavin. They went on

308/321

making fun of Hannah until Josh saw a
customer approach. “Okay, Sydney.
Customer.”

Sydney turned. “Gavin!” she

gasped. Before Sydney could get anoth-
er word out Gavin leaned over the
counter and kissed her. Josh made a
wolf whistle. Sydney didn’t hear it. She
was on a higher plane of existence,
that’s how good the kiss was. When they
broke away Sydney was crying. She’d
missed him so much. “You’re going to
get me fired,” Sydney blubbered. She
had thought she was all cried out, but
maybe it was the sad tears that had run
out. These tears were pure happiness.

She noticed the darkness under

Gavin's tired eyes. His eyes were tired
but he gave her his beautiful smile. His
smile alone made her weak in the knees.

309/321

He hadn't been getting much sleep
either. Then, he felt the same way, she
thought. Just like her, he'd felt like a
piece was missing. Maybe he did need
her after all. Maybe she really was right
for him, though she made her mistakes.
If she could do it all over again, she
would have made it clear in the very be-
ginning that she didn’t see children in
her future. Then she never would have
hurt him the way she had.

Gavin grinned as he ran around

to the other side of the register where
Sydney was standing and got down on
one knee. “Oh no!” Sydney cried into
her hands which were over her mouth.

Gavin pulled out the ring from his

pocket. It was the three stoned platin-
um engagement ring with princess-cut
diamonds. “I’m going to try this again,”

310/321

Gavin chuckled, “Sydney I love you and
I want to live the rest of my life with
you. I don’t care about the white picket
fence and the 2.5 children. I understand
now and I don’t need that. Please,
Sydney. Marry me.”

“Gavin, are you sure? You want a

family. You should have that! I want
you to be happy!”

“We could have a hamster, or a

dog or something. I don’t care!”

Sydney laughed through her

tears.

“All I need is you, Sydney. All I

want is you. Please say yes.”

Sydney paused, searching Gavin’s

eyes to be sure he was telling the truth,
trying to find a reason to say no. She
couldn’t. She was scared out of her
mind and nervous but that's how it is.

311/321

Love feels crazy and it feels right, all at
the same time. He's done his best to
keep every promise, every pinky prom-
ise they'd made. He'd offered his
shoulders to bear some of her worries
from the beginning and he was sure
where she found herself scared and un-
sure. He's never left her. He's never lied
to her. He said she was all he wanted
and that was the truth. He loved her. He
loved her. What more could she ask for?
What more was there to know? What
the hell else was there to think over?
Seriously!

“Yes,” Sydney breathed. “Yes, I’ll

marry you.”

Gavin slid the ring on her finger,

stood up and hugged Sydney tight. After
many sweet kisses, they walked out of

312/321

the store arm in arm with Josh seeing
them off, caroling the wedding march.

***

“Yes, Mom, it’s beautiful down

here. Gavin and I are having a great
time…No, I haven’t seen any thugs
hanging around the resort.” Gavin
laughed from where he was standing in
the bathroom combing his hair in the
mirror. “I know tourists are targets. I
promise

we’ll

be

careful…Yes,

Mom…Mom? I think Liz is calling on
the other line. I’ll call you back later,
okay?...I

love

you

too.

Bye…Hello?...Hey girl!...What? No! I
can’t tell you the details. Gavin’s stand-
ing two feet away from me!...No!...I’m
not telling you that right now!....Okay

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fine. It was really, really good. Ha
ha!...Oh, it is so beautiful down here in
Montego Bay, Liz. There are sand dol-
lars everywhere!...Okay…Let me go
back to enjoying my honeymoon,
already!...Love you. Tell Evan and Sara
I said hi….Okay, I will. Bye.”

I hung up the phone. “Liz and

Mom said hi,” I called to the bathroom.

“Okay,” Gavin replied.
I walked through the French

doors and outside. I stepped around the
Jacuzzi that was part of our honeymoon
suite. I neared the Hibiscus bush and
picked the prettiest orange and pink
flower I saw. It would match my pink
coral halter dress. I placed the flower
behind my ear and smiled as I looked
out at the view of the pristine white
sand and the water, blue and green like

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some precious gem. I’d dreamt about
this not so long ago. It seemed a silly
immature daydream then. Already I
was living a dream. How freakin' amaz-
ing is that!

I went back into the room and

tied the cowry shell necklace around my
neck, then slipped my anklet on, the
one made of tiny bells. I looked into the
big mirror on the white bamboo dresser
and saw Gavin come up behind me.

Gavin kissed me on the shoulder.

“Are you ready to go walk on the beach,
Mrs. Caselle?”

I met his green eyes in the mirror

and nodded. “I like that hat. You should
let me borrow it some time,” I smiled.
Gavin was wearing a straw fedora with a
black band around it that looked great
on him because of his black hair. His

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green shirt was completely unbuttoned,
his torso exposed. I turned around and
slid my hands down the smooth warm
skin of his firm stomach and around in-
to the back pockets of his khaki shorts. I
pulled him close.

“Are you hungry?” Gavin said

after giving me a delicious kiss.

“I could eat.”
“Let’s go to the Beach Grill.”
I grabbed my camera and slipped

on my flip flops and we headed out the
door. The two of us walked down the
sandy shore to the bar and grill, me
picking up sand dollars every once in a
while and Gavin sneaking glances and
kisses every once in a while. We didn’t
have to say a word to each other. We
just relished the ‘rightness’, as Gavin

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would put it, of being together in
paradise.

The restaurant was painted a

tropical green color, had a palm grass
thatched roof and inside people were
eating, enjoying drinks, and dancing to
the reggae music. We decided to join in
and do some dancing as well.

“Excuse me,” I called to a passing

waitress, “Could you take some pictures
of us dancing, please?”

“No problem,” said the waitress

with her smooth Jamaican accent. She
handed the camera to the waitress. The
camera flashed as Gavin and I danced
close, smiling at each other, my arms
around his neck and his arms around
my waist. Gavin grinned, put a hand up
on top of his straw fedora, leaned in and
kissed me, his wife Sydney. As I melted

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into the joy of his lips against mine, the
brilliant light of the camera flashed
again.

*********************************************

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More books from Renee Lewin

a.k.a. Renee LaRuse

Arizona Allspice

To twenty-year-old Elaine Roberts, the

red-headed soccer jock Joey Kinsley is a hot-
tempered womanizer with a maddening abil-
ity to catch her eye. In Joey’s eyes, Elaine is
an intelligent, unattainable, military boot
donning beauty whose skin color he affec-
tionately compares to the aromatic allspice
powder. Joey fears for her safety when,
without hesitation, Elaine becomes caregiver
to her mentally unstable father after her
mother passes away. Joey is the only one
who knows the secret Elaine’s mother took to
the grave. A scuffle between Joey and
Elaine’s twin brother, Manny, escalates into
a catastrophe that separates the Roberts

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family. As Elaine fights to reunite her family,
she learns the history and depth of Joey’s ad-
miration and must face that the lives of her
brother and father, as well as her own, will
have to change in order for love to grow.

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