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Tomyamazinghusband:

whohasstoodbymysidethroughallofmyupsanddowns

whohasbeenmynever-endingsupport

whohaslovedmeinspiteofallofmyfailuresandfaults

Youaremykeeper,

andIplantokeepyouforever.

Dedication

ChapterOne

ChapterTwo

ChapterThree

ChapterFour

ChapterFive

ChapterSix

ChapterSeven

ChapterEight

ChapterNine

ChapterTen

ChapterEleven

ChapterTwelve

ChapterThirteen

ChapterFourteen

ChapterFifteen

ChapterSixteen

ChapterSeventeen

ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

AbouttheAuthor

ChapterOne

“RemindmewhyIagreedtogotothisstupidpartyagain?”IshouttoCharliefromtheentryway

asIshovemyfeetintoapairofChuckTaylors.WhenIlookup,Iseeherprancingdownthestairsin
whatcaneasilybeclassifiedasashirtandheels.“Andpleasetellmeyou’regonnaputonsomepants.
Whatareyouwearing?”

“Iamclearlywearingacostumedesignedtoattractmaleattentionataneventsurrounding

sports,”sheresponds,twirlinginalittlecircle-withoutteeteringintheslightest-onceshe’smadeit
tothebaseofthestairs.

I’malwaysastoundedbyCharlie’sabilitytopracticallypirouetteinapairofsky-highheels.My

asswouldbeflatonthegroundifIevertriedsomethinglikethat.Mybodywasmadefun-sized,and
I’mperfectlyhappyremainingclosetothegroundatalltimes.CharlieandIareessentiallyexact
opposites.Wheresheislong,Iamshort;wheresheisdark,Iamlight.Weareliving,breathing
antonyms.

ShesaunterspastwhereIstandwaitingintheentry,hershoulder-lengthbrunettelockslooseand

wavyinthat‘Ijustrolledoutofbed’lookthattakesatleastanhourtopulloffsuccessfully.She’s
wearingapurpleLakerGirls“dress”-Iusethattermsarcastically-withherfavoritepairofheels,
accentuatingherlong,leanlegs.

“Itisn’tacostumeparty,Charlie,”Isayasshepassesme.Although,internally,Iwonderif

maybeImissedsomethingwhenJeremyinvitedus.“We’rejustheadingovertowatchthegamewitha
fewoftheguysfromtheteam.”

“Ofcourseit’sacostumeparty,mysweet,naiveRJ.It’sOctober.AllOctoberpartiesarecostume

parties,”shecallstomefromthekitchen.“Andyoucan’tbackoutbecauseIneedyouthere!”

Irollmyeyesandfollowinherwake.

“Youdonotneedmethere,”Irespond.“Youjustdon’tknowanythingaboutbasketball.”

Charlielooksupatmefromwhereshestandsdiggingthroughherclutchandscowls.

“Exactly!”sheresponds.ApparentlyI’vemadeherpointforher.“Notonlyareyoumybest

friend,butyou’realsomyonlyfemalefriendwhoknowssportsandcankeepmefromsaying
somethingreallystupid.”Shesnapsherclutchclosedandroundsthekitchenislandwithasmirk.
“Plus,youhaveacar.HowelseamIsupposedtogettoJeremy’s?Takethebus?”

“You’reusingmeformycar!?”Ishoutwithexcessivedramatics,slappingmyhandagainstmy

heartinfeigneddistress.“You’remakingmereconsiderourentirefriendship.”

Charlierollshereyes,butIseeasmilecreepingontoherface.

“You’reanidiot.”Throwingherarmaroundmyshoulders,shestartswalkingustowardsthe

door.“Butseriouslygirlie,youneedtohelpmeunderstandwhat’shappeningonthefield.”

“Basketballisn’tplayedonafield,Char.It’splayedonacourt.”

“See!”Hersmilegrowswider.“You’rehelpingalready.”Shewinksatme,lettingherarmdrop

frommyshoulders,andturnstowardsthedoor.“Let’sgo,bitch!Time’s-a-wasting!”Andshestruts
out,heelsclicking,assswaying.

Charlie,Charlie,Charlie.

Iexitourapartment,lockingthedoorwithasmuchsassasIcan,andbegrudginglyfollowher

outtoTrustyRusty,mylightgreen’66VWBeetle.Cometothepartywithme,shesays.Itwillbeso
muchfun,shepromises.I’malreadystartingtoregretactingashersportstranslatorandwehaven’t
evenlefttheparkinglot.

“Inallhonesty,youdon’tneedmethere,”Isay,asweclickintoourseatbeltsandIstartthe

ignition.“Youjustneedtofindaguywhofindsyoursports-illiteracytobecharming.LikeJeremy.
Hewon’tthinkyou’redumbjustbecauseyoudon’tknowanythingaboutbasketball.Ifanything,
maybehe’llseeitasanopportunitytoleanintowardsyouandwhisperinyourear.”Iwigglemy
eyebrowsandgiveCharlieasupercheesysmilebeforepullingawayfromthecurb.

“Idon’tneedJeremygettingallintomypersonalspace.Thanks,butnothanks.”Herreplyis

quickandsharp.Iglanceoverandcatchhereyesbeforeshequicklyturnsaway,hercheekstintingto
asoftpink.Sheactslikeherlust-fueledobsessionwithmybrotheriscompletelyoffmyradar.What
amI?Blind?

Herinfatuationbeganfreshmanyearwhenshereturnedtoourroomonenightandfoundhim

there.Alone.Inthebuff.Okay,hewasinboxershorts.Butstill,practicallynaked.Apparentlyhewas
mid-hookupwithoneofthegirlsinmybuildingwhenherboyfriendshowedup.Jeremydoesn’t
‘throwdownoverchicks’,sohedidn’tputupmuchofafightwhenhewasshovedoutoftheroom.
Sansclothes.

Heshowedupatmyroomat2amandaskedmetogogethisclothes,keys,phoneandwallet,

sincehecan’treallygetbacktohisapartmentwithouthiskeys,andsecuritywouldescorthimoutif
hejustwanderedaroundthefreshmanhallinnothingbuthistinylittlebriefs.AsIwassmoothing
thingsoverwiththegirlandherboyfriendandtriedtocollecthisbelongings,Charliereturnedfrom
apartyandnearlyhadaheartattackwhenshefound‘TheJeremyJameson’-herwords,notmine-
sittingonherbed.I’msurprisedshedidn’tdroptoherkneesandoffertoshowhimjusthow
welcomeinherbedheactuallywas.

ButJeremylovedthefangirling,ofcourse,andtookhissweettimeputtinghisclothesbackon

whileheoozedhischarmandaskedCharlieallaboutherself.Oh,soyouwannabeanurse,huh?Soif
IneedsomeCPRIcangiveyouacall?Gagme.Icouldliterallyseetheheartspoppingoutofher
eyesasshesoakedhimin.

Ittookallofmyeffortstogethisassoutofmyroom.AndthenIhadtolistentoCharliegoon

andonabouthimuntilnearly4am.Itwasnauseating.Itwasn’tuntilthefollowingweekduringour
weeklylunchatthequadthatIlethimknowhowIreallyfelt.

“You’rea21-year-oldseniorincollege,”Igrowledathim.“What?You’vealreadystuckyour

dickineveryoneyourownageandhavetomoveontothebarelylegal?You’resogross.”Hescoffed,
butIjabbedafingerintohischest.“Youshouldbeembarrassedthatyouhavetotrollforfreshmento
getlaid.”

“Hey,Ican’thelpitifIappealtoeveryone,”hesaidwithashrug.Ijustglaredathimandjabbed

myforkintomypotato.“Besides,Charliedidn’tseemtohaveanissuewithme.”

Myeyesnarrowed.

“Sheiscompletelyoff-limits.”Jeremygavemealittlesmirkthatmademethinkhedidn’tcare.

“I’mseriousJer!You’vefuckedandchuckedenoughgirlsthisyear.Leave.Her.Alone.”

“Idon’tfuckandchuck,Rachel,”herepliedwithwhatlookedlikemocksincerity.“That

implicationaboutmycharacterisjustrude.I’moffended.”

“Ohreally?SoAndi,Rebecca,Jennifer…theywereseriousgirlfriends?”Iwas,ofcourse,

referringtothreeofmyhighschoolsoccerteammatesthatJeremysleptwithoverthecourseofthe

ninedayshewashomeforspringbreakduringmysenioryear.Theydidn’tknowabouteachotheruntil
JeremywasbackatcollegeandIwaslefttodealwiththerageissuesandemotionalbreakdowns.
Needlesstosay,thosegirlsandIneverformedlastingbonds.

“Youcan’tpulloutoneexampleofexercisingmyrighttogetinsomephysicalexercise,”hesaid,

wigglinghiseyebrows,“fromnearlyayearagoandmakeitsoundlikethat’showIlivemyentirelife,
Rach.WhatifIreallylikeCharlie?Icandothewhole…datingthing,”hesaidwithavaguewaveof
hishand,asifthesimpleideaofdatingwasaforeignconceptthateludedhim.

Isighed,closedmyeyesandbroughtmyfingerstothebridgeofmynose.

“Jer,youknowIhaveahardtimemakingfriends.CharlieandIgetalongreallywell,andIdon’t

wantanythingtoruinthat.”ThenIlookedhimdeadintheeyes.“Please.Iambeggingyou.Turnyour
penisoffforoneminuteanddoyourlonely,friendlesssisterasolid.Pretend.Charlie.Doesn’t.Exist.”

Jeremy’sfacebecomenearlyexpressionlessashelookedoutovermyshoulder.Afterasecond,he

finallynoddedhishead,lookingbackatme.

“Youhavemyword.Fromhereonout,Charliedoesn’texist.”

Ibreathedasighofreliefandletmyheadfallback.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou.”ThelastthingIneededwasformybrother’sroamingpenistoruin

aburgeoningfriendship.Again.Icrammedapotatoinmymouthandsmiled.“So,heardanythingfrom
theGalaxy?”

ApparentlyCharlienevergotoverherobsessionwithhim,eventhoughshestoppedgushing

abouthimtome.Butevennow,severalyearslater,Iseethewayshelooksathimwhenweheadtohis
houseinLAorwhenhecomesovertoourapartment.There’ssomedeeplongingtherethatIdon’t
entirelyunderstand,andtheirinteractionsareparticularlystilted.ButIdecidedlongagotolimitmy
proddingonthisparticulartopic.

Besides,nowCharlieisthe21-year-oldseniorwithamile-longlistofbedpartners.Ifshewants

togetitonwitheveryoneandtheirbrotherandpretendshedoesn’thavethehotsformine,that’sher
ownchoice.

“SoI’mgoodwithbeingthedesignateddriverifyouwanttoenjoyyourself,”Charliesays,

bringingmebacktothepresentandmakingapatheticattempttochangethesubject.

IsmileatCharlie’stopicchoice-essentiallyheroneopportunitytoprodintomyownissues.

“Nicetry.”

Shesighsandthenslapsherthighswithenthusiasm.

“Comeon,RJ!You’resuchapartypooper.Youshouldbeabletoletlooseeverysooften.It’s

notlikeI’msayingyoushouldgetshit-facedandfucksomerandomguy.”

“No,that’snormallyyourjob,”Isaywithagiggle.

Charliesnortsoutanawkwardlaugh.

“Seriously.Butstill,haveonedrink.Youhavebeenmyloyal,devotedchauffeurformonthsand

months.Letmepayyoubackbylettingyougetalittlegigglytonight.”Shewiggleshereyebrowsup
anddown.

Isighloudly.Ourconstantbattle.You’dthinkCharliewouldbethankfulthatshehasabestfriend

willingtoplayDDonaregularbasis.Butsheneverletsup,eventhoughsheknowsmymanyreasons
forstayingawayfromalcohol.TheprimaryreasoniscalledFrankJameson,andhemakesthe
decisioneasy.Well,heshouldmakeiteasy.MybrotherandIhavedifferentphilosophies.

Aftergraduatingfromcollege,JeremytookhissoccerskillstotheLAGalaxy,theMajor

LeagueSoccerteamintheCityofAngels.Hewasabed-hopperinhighschoolandcollege,andit
onlygotworseoncehegotatasteofthetinybitoffameandmoneythatprofessionalsoccerplayers
get.Theguyshespendstimewitharereallyintenseaboutstayingfitandhealthyduringtheseason,

butduringtheoff-season,theyallliveapartylifestyle.Womenandboozeareabundant.I’mjustlucky
hecanaffordtopayfordriverswhenheandtheteamgoout.TheamountoftimesI’vehadtodrive
hisdrunkenasshomeorpickhimupfromsomegirl’shouseinthemorningwassonotcool.

Afterlivingachildhoodthatwasessentiallyswallowedwholebyalcoholism,IdecidedthatI

wouldnevertaketheriskthatcomesalongwithhavingasingledrink.Thesmell,thedestructive
behavior,thepoorchoices-itjustisn’tforme.Andwhileit’shighlyunlikelythatJeremyisan
alcoholicsincehedoesn’treallydrinkveryoften,hestilltookthechancewhenhehadthatfirstdrink.
LikeIsaid,wejusthavedifferentphilosophies.

“I’llbesober.Sodrinkyourlittleheartout,mydear,”IrespondasIexitthefreewayandbegin

thedrivethroughdowntowntogettoJeremy’sloft.“Besides,you’dgetuslosttryingtofindyour
wayhome,”Iaddwithasmirk.

Charliegigglesandletsoutanexasperatedbreath.

“God,IwillnevergetusedtoLAtrafficandfreewaymazes.Thisplaceisridiculous,”shesays,

lookingoutthewindowinawe,asifshejustarrivedyesterday.Charlieisoriginallyfromalittletown
justoutsideofOmaha,Nebraska,butthewayshetalksaboutthefreewaysinLosAngelesmakesit
soundlikeshemovedherefromtheAmazon.

“You’velivedhereforthreeyears,Char.Itshouldbemakingsensetoyoubynow.”

“ItwouldifIhadacar.Butyoucrazy-assCaliforniadriversmakemesquirm.”Shepauses,

seeminglystruckbyanimportantthought.“Youknowwhat?It’sprobablybestifyoustaytheDD,”
sheconcludesasIpullintotheparkinglotbeneathJeremy’sbuilding.

Ilaugh.

“Gladtohearwe’refinallyonthesamepage.”

*****

TheminutewewalkintoJeremy’sloft,it’sclearImissedthememothatwatchingabasketball

gameonOctoberthirdisactuallycodeforsports-themedcostumeparty:getoutyourhoochiemama
swag.

IsendCharlieoffintothecrowdandstepintothebathroom.I’mnotabigfanofcrowds,andI

reallythoughtthiswasgoingtobealow-keynightofwatchingbasketballwithJeremyandafewof
hisfriendsfromtheteam.Buttherewereatleastfiftypeoplewithinmyimmediatelineofsightwhen
weenteredhisapartment.

Yep,missedthememo.

AsI’mwashingmyhands,Itakealookinthemirror.Mylongblondehairisswepttothesidein

alooseFrenchbraidthatfallsovermyleftshoulder,andmymakeup-freefacestilllookscleanand
fresh,despitetheheat.ButI’mwearingwhatI’vebeenwearingallday–agrayandwhitebaseball
shirt,tanpants,andredChuckTaylors.Andmyglasses.MaybeIcouldpullofftellingpeopleIcame
as…well,okaysoIdefinitelydon’tlooksportyinanycapacityunlessIcountthebaseballshirt.

Iscowlatmyselfinthemirror.Whatever.I’venevercaredwhatJeremy’sfriendshavethoughtof

mebeforeandwe’vegottenalongjustfine.Althoughthecrowdinhisloftisabitlargerthanthe
smallgroupoffriendsI’mfamiliarwith,there’snoreasontostartcaringnow.EvenifIwantedto
dressup,Icouldn’twearhalftheshitthegirlshereareprobablywearing.My5’1”size8isokayfor
cuteshortsandtops,butastick-figuremodelIamnot.LuckilyIprefertowearjeansandtees.

Choosingnottospendanothersecondlookingatmyself,Iexitthebathroom.BeforeIcantake

morethanonestep,I’mimmediatelysweptintoanembracebysomeoneverytall,andfromthefeel
ofhim,verystrong.

“Heybaby,I’vebeenwaitingforyou.”

Forabriefsecond,Iamcompletelyovercomewithsensation.Iamhyperawareofthemuscles

wrappedaroundmyframe,oftheoutdoorsysmellcomingfromthegrayshirtmyfaceispressed
into,ofthedeeptimberinthevoicethatjustcalledmebaby.Everyinstinctinmybodywantsmeto
wrapmyarmsaroundthisbodyandsnuggleinclose.

UntilIrememberthatIdonotknowthisman.

Themusculararmswrappedaroundme,keepingmyarmstrappedfirmlyatmysides,suddenly

makemefeelclaustrophobic.Trapped.MywholebodytensesandIbegintopullmyselffreefromhis
arms.

Buttheholdonmetightensjustafraction,andIhearhislowrumblewhisperingintomyear.

“Pleaseplayalong,”Ihear,thenfeelasoftkissonmylefttemple.Inasplitseconddecision,I

feelmymusclesrelax,andinturnthearmsencasingmeloosenjustafraction,themanstandingup
straightagain.

Nowthathe’sdroppedthevicegrip,Itiltmyheadback,back,backandgetalookataguywho

mademypulseraceforseveralreasonsatonce.Andwhenmyeyescollidewithhis,mystomachfalls
outofmybodyandontothefloor,mylungscollapse,andmyheartfliesupintomythroat,leaving
menauseous,unabletobreathe,andmute.

He’shandsome.

Like,reallyhandsome.

ThecoverofGQ,campusheartthrob,LoveActuallysilenthappydance,kissmenowkindof

handsome.

ThefirstthingInoticeishisbody,whichissounlikeme,buthowcanitbehelpedwhenhisarms

arestillwrappedaroundme.He’sfirmandleanwithbroadshoulders.Andhe’stall,maybe6’2”or
3”.Hehasdarkbrownhairthat’sjustalittlebittoolongandcurlsslightlyattheedgesbeneathhis
ears.Hisstrongjawiscoveredinstubblethatmakesmethinkit’sbeenafewdayssincehe’sshaved.
Andhiseyes.Damn.Warm,chocolateeyespeerintomysoulwithalookthatisgenuineandcaring
andIcan’tlookaway.

Asclicheasitsounds,agirlcouldgetlostinthoseeyes.

“Ohsorry,Mack,”Ihearfromasnippy,femininevoiceovermyshoulder.“Ididn’trealizeyou

werewithsomeonetonight.”

Theguy-Mack,apparently?-releasesmeasIturntowardsthevoice.Butitseemslikehestill

wantsthebuffer,ashisarmrepositionstowraparoundmyshoulders,tuckingmeintohisside.

Asexyrefereeisshootingdaggersatmefromdownthehall,herarmscrossed,plumpingher

amazingbreastsuptothepointthatthey’renearlyspillingoutofhertop.She’sprettypissed,andthe
forceofthatrageisdirectedstraightatme.

Right.BecauseI’mtoblameinthissituation.It’snotlikeIwasrandomlygrabbedbyastranger

oranything.

I’mnormallynotatroublemaker,butthisgirllooksexactlylikeCassandraRoman,abitchIwent

tohighschoolwithwhosleptwithmyboyfriendjunioryear.SoItaketheopportunitytoget
misplacedjusticeforthe16-year-oldme.

“Oh,it’snotjusttonight,”Ireply,leaningmyheadagainstMackandrunningmyhandupand

downhischest.Hisverycut,muscularchest.Imean,comeon…Icanfeelallsixofhispacks.
“Although,hewillbebusy.”I’mtryingtoplaysexyandhopingtheunpracticedlookonmyface
doesn’tcomeacrossasifI’verecentlyhadamildstroke.

Apparentlyitworks,becausetheCassandralook-alikehuffsandstompsoff,andIcan’thelpthe

shit-eatinggrinthatcoversmyfaceorthehappydanceinmyhead.

“Well,thatwentbetterthanexpected,”Mack’sdeepvoiceinterruptsmymentalhighfive.

Iquicklystepoutfrommyhappyplacenestledagainsthischestandunderhisarm,myface

flushingwarmandredasIrealizehowridiculousthepastthirtysecondswas.Ihaveahardtime
lookingupathim,butfinallymanagetodragmyeyesawayfromthegroundandgivehimasmall
smile.

“Yeah,whatwasthedealwiththat?”

Mackshrugslazily,hiseyesroamingmyfaceasheleansnonchalantlyagainstthewall.

“Ijustmetherandshe’sbeenfollowingmearoundlikeabloodhoundforthepasthour.I

figuredIneededawaytogetheroffmyscent.”

“Soyouwerejustwaitingoutsideofthebathroomforanunsuspectingfemaletofillyourfake

girlfriendposition?”Iask,mymouthtiltingupatthesidealittle.“WhatifIhadbeenaguy?”

“Ohtrustme,Iwouldhavebeenwillingtocomeoutoftheclosettogetawayfromthatgirl.”

HisfacesplitsinahalfsmilesobreathtakingIcan’thelpbutsmileback.“Sheshowedmehernipple
ring.Like,literallywhippedhertitsoutforme.Andthenthoughtitwouldbeseductivetopointout
theotherguyshereshe’ssleptwith.”

Myfacequicklyscrunchesupindisgust.

“Wowthat’s…like,reallydisgusting.”ButthenIsmileagain.“Yousureyoudon’twannaputa

ringonit?Shesoundslikeamazingwifeymaterial.”

Mackletsoutarichlaugh,hissmilecontinuingtogrow.“Nah,I’mallset,thanks.”

Westandthereinsilence,juststaringateachother,smilinglightly,forabouttwentymore

secondsbeforeIstarttofeelawkward.ButIcan’tlookaway.

I’veneverfeltsoawestruckbysomeonebefore.It’snotevenjusthislooks.It’sthatdeeprumble

ofalaughthathitsmerightinthechest,andtheeasysmileandkindeyes.Hiseyesaregluedtome
too,thecrinklesinthecornersremainingeventhoughhissmilehasdimmedslightly.

Luckily,someonecomesaroundthecornerandclapsMackonthebackingreeting,drawinghis

eyesawayfrommeandofferingmeareprieve.

“Well,I’lljustheadbackout,then.Comefindmeifyouneedrescuingagain.”Iquicklyturnand

dartoutofthehallwaywithoutlookingback.

AsIenterthemainlivingareaofJeremy’smassiveloft,I’mpulledoutofthelittlebubbleMack

andIcreatedinthepastfewminutesandthrustrightbackintoapartyIdon’twanttobeat.I’malso
remindedthatIdidn’twearacostume.

IheadforthekitchenandgrabaJarritossodaoutofacooler,stokedwhenIfindthelast

Tamarindflavoratthebottom.Ipopthetopofthebottlewithalightersittingonthecounterandtake
alongdrinkbeforelookingoutattheroom.

Myinitialassessmentoffiftypeoplewasn’tevenclose.Thereareatleastahundredpeoplehere.

Ididn’tknowthatwasevenpossibleinadowntownloft,butJeremydidgetamonstrosityofa
bachelorpad.I’mseeinglotsofscantilycladcheerleadersandreferees.DressessoshortIcanseeass
creases,andmake-upsothickIwonderifanartistwasinvolvedintheprocess.Thatshitispainted
on.

It’sthemalecostumesthatdrawmyattentionandremindmewhyHalloweenseasoncanbeso

fun.Thereareabunchoffunthingslikeold-schoolbaseballuniformsand70’sbasketballgear.There
areevenafewsoccerplayers.

IquicklyspotJeremyonthebalconyandcan’thelptheloudbarkoflaughterthatleavesme.He’s

dressedas80’stennisstarJohnMcEnroe,ridiculoushair,short-shortsandall.Mylaughsomehow
catcheshisattention,evenoverthemusic.

“Rach!”Heshoutswithasmile,wavingmeovertohimandthecrowdhe’sstandingwith.He

whisperssomethingintotheearoftheredheaddrapedonhimandgivesherassasqueeze.

Igag.Butonlyslightly.

Shepassesmeasshewalksbackinside,givesmeanoverlybrightsmile,andtrotsofftoafew

friendslurkinginthecornerofthekitchen.

WhenIwalkthroughtheslidingdoorstohislargepatio,Jeremystepsawayfromhisgroupand

greetsmewithabigtoothysmile.

“Favoritebrother!”Ishout,flingingmyarmsaroundhisshouldersinatightsqueeze.Thehug

feelslikehome,andIrealizeseeingJeremyonceaweekisn’tnearlyenoughtosatisfyme.

“Favoritesister!”heshoutsbackenthusiastically.“I’msogladyoucame!Iwasn’tsureifyou

wouldactuallycometonight.”Hepullsawaytograbhisbeeroffofthetablehewalkedawayfrom
andtakesapull.“IsawCharliecomeinalone,soIfiguredmaybeyoujustdroppedheroffand
bailed.”

“Ialmostdid.ButthenIdecidedIdidn’twanttowasteallofthetimeandeffortIputintomy

supercreativecostume.”Jeremylooksmeupanddown,eyebrowsfurrowinginconfusion.Hedidn’t
catchmyheavysarcasmoverthemusicthat’smakingmyearsbleed.“I’mafan,”Isayinmock
enthusiasm.“Goteam!”Ipunchalittlefistintotheair.

Jeremyletsoutalittlesnortandshakeshishead.

“God,youarefuckingridiculous.Okay,thegameiscurrentlyathalf-time,sogograbadrink

andgetagoodseattowatchthesecondhalf.I’llbebackinsideinaminute.I’malittlebusy.”He
smirksandthengivesalittlefingercrooktotheredheadedcheerleaderhewasass-grabbingwhenI
firstspottedhimandsheslinksherwaybackontothepatio,givinghimaseductivegrin.

Rollingmyeyes,IstepbackinsideandamimmediatelyaccostedbyCharlie.

“Wherehaveyoubeen?”shefumes.

“Uhm,thebathroom?”

“Well,whileyouwereinthebathroom,Melodygotgrabbyandlatchedherfangsintoyour

brother.You’llbeluckyifyouseehimatallfortherestofthenight.It’sdisgusting.”Hereyebrows
arepulledtogetherinascowl,andherlipsaretight.InoticeshesaidthatIwouldbeluckytoseehim
anddidn’tmakeanymentionofherself.

PartofmewantstosaythatIsawJeremywithwhoIcanonlyassumeisMelodythevampire.

Theotherpartofmewantstoteaseherbecausethisisthefirsttimeinyearsthatshe’sadmitted
Jeremy’ssluttywaysbotherher.ButIknowneitherofthosethingsareagoodidea.

“Wantmetohelpgetyougiggly?”Iaskwithasmile.

“Ithoughtyou’dneverask.”Andshestalksofftothekitchento,I’massuming,drownherselfin

GreyGoose.

*****

Aboutanhourlater,I’msittingnexttoCharlieinfrontofJeremy’smonsterTVwatchingthe

LakersandtheClippers.Justtoclarify:Iamactuallywatchingthegame.Charlieisalittlebitdrunk
andlaughinglikeanidiotateverythingtheguytoherrightissaying.Andno,he’snotfunny.He’s
actuallyatotaldickwad.I’vebeenclenchingmyjawatmostofthethingshe’sbeensaying,butI’ve
triedtofocusonthegameontheTV,andnotonthisguytryingtogameonCharlie.ButIswearifhe
saysonemorething,I’llneedtoinvestinsomeseriousorthodontia.

“AndthenItoldhimtofuckoff,”hesays,takingaswigofhisbeer.“Ialmostsockedthatfaggot

inthemouth.”

“Hey!”Ibarkathim,makingbothhimandCharliejumpalittlebit.“IfIhavetosithereand

listentoyourpigheadedassforonemoreminute,IsweartoGodthatyouwillbetheonlyonegetting
sockedinthemouth.”Istand,ignoringhisshockedexpressionthat’squicklymorphingintoascowl,

andpullCharlieupwithme.“IneedadrinkCharlie.Comewithme.”

Withthat,IgrabCharlie’shandandpullheroffthecouchandtowardsthekitchen,awayfrom

theidiot.Halfwaythroughthemobofpeoplebetweenusandthefridge,IfeelCharliejerkhergrasp
awayfromme.

“RJ,stop!”sheshouts.

IturntofaceherandI’mgenuinelysurprisedatthenastyfaceshe’sgivingme.

“What?”Iask,becauseIreallydon’tknowwhat.

“Whatthehellisyourproblem?!”sheshouts.I’mnotsurehowtorespond,soIjuststandthere,

mute.“Iwashavingfunwiththatguy,andyougetallhighandmightywithyourbullshitandruin
everything!”

Iraisemyeyebrows.

“Youwerehavingfun?Listeningtothatasswipethrowaroundtheword‘faggot’?”Charlie

doesn’trespondandjustglaresatme.“Charlie,yourbrotherisgay.Howwasthatokaywithyou?”
Stillshestares,fistsclenched,aspeopletalkanddanceandmovearoundus.

Itakeasteptowardsher,myvoiceloweringafractiontogivetheillusionofprivacy.

“Look,Iknowyou’reupsetaboutJeremy,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetolistentothatguy’s

shitjustforattention.Youcandosomuchbetter.”Ilookaroundquickly.“Comeoutsideandwecan
talkaboutthis,it’stooloudinhere.”

“Youthinkyouknoweverything,butyouknownothing!”sheshouts.“Feelfreetoleaveifyou

don’twanttobeatthisparty,RJ.I’llfigureoutmyownwayhome.”Sheturnsaroundtostormaway
fromme,butwobblesslightlyonherheels.Andthat’swhenIrealizethatCharlieismorethangiggly.
Thegirlistanked.Oncesheregainsherbalance,shestormsawayfromme,knockingpeopleoutof
herwayasshegoes.

Istandfrozenforaminute,unsurehowthesituationescalatedthatquickly.AsCharliedisappears

inthecrowd,Igroaninfrustrationandturntowardsthebalcony.Hopefullyfreshairwillclearmy
headandprovidemewithamuchneededreprieve.

Thankfully,it’squietanddeserted.Iplopdownonalounger,andstareupatthenightsky,

wishingIcouldseethestars.ThebrightlightsofdowntownandthedisgustingbubbleofLAsmog
getintheway,soIjustlookupintotheyellow-tintedhaze.

Charliehasalwaysbeendifficultwhenitcomestomen,especiallywhereJeremyisconcerned,

buttonightwasdifferent.We’vegottenintofightsbeforewhenshe’susedguystomakeherselffeel
better,butshepracticallydetonatedinthere.Normally,Imakesomecrackabouttheguyandshe
laughs.I’mnotsureexactlywhathappenedtoherinthepast,butIfeellikeCharlieletsherselfget
waytoowrappedupingettingmaleattention.Shedoesn’tstoplongenoughtorememberthatshehas
moretoofferaguythanavagina.Andascloseasweare,shehatestalkingaboutherpast,soIknow
littletonothingaboutwhatherlifewaslikegrowingup.

Well,Iguessweareasuitablepair,then,becauseInevertalkaboutmychildhoodeither.

Frustratedandunsurehowtodealwithmyemotions,Iletagrowloutintothenightsky.

“Feelbetter?”

Ijumpalittleandlooktothecornerwherethevoicecamefrom,shockedthatsomeoneelseis

onthebalconywithme.AndwhenIseewhoitis,I’msuremyfaceflushesbrightred.

Mack.

HowdidInotnoticehimwhenIcameout?

“I’msorry,”Isay,sittingupinmyseat.“IthoughtIwasalone.”

“Icantell,”hesayswithachuckle.“Butreally,feelanybetter?”

Igiveasmallsmileandnod.

“Actually,yes.SometimeswhenI’mreallyangry,ithelpstojustscreamitout,youknow?Getall

thepentupfrustrationtogetherandjusthurlitintothesky?”

“Soyoudothisoften?”

“Mmmm,notthatoften.Idon’thavethatmanyrageissues.”Ismileandheletsoutanothersmall

laugh.“ButnormallyIheadtothefieldandactuallyshoutorscream.Ifigureddoingthatona
balconyindowntownLAmightfreakafewpeopleout.”

Hesmiles.

“Yeah,Icanseehowawomanscreamingbloodymurdermightcauseaconcern.”Hestandsand

walkstowardsme,thengrabsmyhandsandpullsmeoffofthelounger.“However,thereisastatute
inLAcountylawdictatingthattwopeoplescreamingbloodymurderisjustacaseofyoungpeople
antics.”Heleadsmeovertotherailingattheedgeofthebalcony,thenturnstostandnexttomeaswe
lookoutoverLosAngeles.

“I’mconfused.”

“Onthecountofthree,we’llbothscream.”

Ilaugh.

“Or,onthecountofthree,I’llscream,andyou’lljuststandtherelettingmelooklikeacomplete

idiot.”

“Ohcomeon,”hesays,nudgingmyshoulderwithhisarm.“Trustme.”

IlookintohiseyesandforsomereasonIcan’texactlyplace,IactuallybelievethatIcan.

“Okay,”Ibreatheout.“Youknow,thiswillbeveryGardenStateofus.”

Hesmiles.

“Nicereference.Ilovethatmovie”Heturnsbacktolookoverthebalcony,butIseehimeyeing

me.“Okayready?”Inod.“One.”Ismileandlookdirectlyathim.“Two.”Ilookbackovertherailing.
“Three.”

Atthesamemoment,bothofustakedeepbreathsandflingourvoicesoutintothecity.Hisdeep

oneboomingoutnexttominemakesasmiletakeovermyface.Forabriefmoment,thereisnothing
butusandthesky.Nofrustrationorlongingordisappointment.Noangerorfearofthefuture.Just
twostupidyoungpeople,eyesscrunchedshut,screamingintonothing.Tworidiculousindividuals
joinedtogetherforamomentofabsolutehilarity.Westopafterabouttenseconds,andIcan’thelpbut
lookatMackwithahugegrin.Iliterallycan’tgetitoffofmyface.

“Wow.”

“Wow?”Iask.“That’sallyouhavetosay?”

“Wow,youscreamreallyloud?”hereplies.

“Dummy!”Ishoutathimplayfully.Istillhavethesamegoofysmile,andInoticetheamusement

inhiseyesandthegorgeoushalf-smilethatsitsonhisfaceinreturn.

“Wellbeforeyoucalledmeout,Iwasgoingtosay,‘Wow,youhaveagorgeoussmile,’butnow

I’mnotsosureIwanttosaythat.NowI’mmoreconcernedwithyourincreasinglyapparentrage
issues.”

Ilaugh.

“Rageissues!?Sodramatic!”Iletmyweightfallbackwardsbutgrabtherailingatthelast

minute,stretchingmyarmsout.Ipullmyselfforwardthendropbackandgrabitagain.“Don’teven
pretendthatwasn’tcathartic.Ialwaysfeelbetteraftersomethinglikethat.”

Wecontinuetosmileandjuststandtherelookingateachother,likefools.Eventhoughit’skind

ofawkward,it’salsokindofnice.

“What’syourname?”

“RJ.Why?”

“Justcurious.I’mMack,bytheway.”

“Yeah,Iknow.”Helooksatmecuriouslyforamoment,hiseyebrowsscrunchingtogetherin

confusion.“Therefereewiththenipplepiercing.Shesaiditearlier.”

Henodsslowly,thefurrowonhisbrowlinedisappearing.Heturnsawayandlooksbackout

overthecityagainandIfollowsuit.Afteranotherminute,hepipesupagain.

“HeyRJ?”

“Yeah?”

“CanItakeyououtsometime?”

TherearedozensofthingsthatIknowhappentopeoplewhogetnervousinsocialand

relationshipsituations.Butterfliesinthestomach.Sweatypalms.Aflushedface.Drymouth.The
inabilitytostringtogetheracoherentsentence.Alloftheridiculousthingsthatusuallydon’thappen
tomewhenaguyshowsinterest.Usuallybeingtheoperativeword.AndwhileIhaven’tturnedintoa
sweatylobsterwithaspeechimpediment,Icanfeeltheflutterinmystomach.Nerves.Whoknewit
couldhappentome?

“Sometime?”Irespond,stilllookingovertherailing,activelynotlookingathim.It’stheonly

thingmakingthisback-and-forthmanageableforme.Imaybeabletothrowoutalineortwotomake
himlaugh,butI’mfeelingveryunsureofmyself.

“Well,I’dasktotakeyououttonight,butIfiguredyouwereattendingapartyorsomething.”I

canhearthesmileinhisvoice.

Tonight.

Hewouldhavewantedtotakemeouttonight.

Ican’thelpbutsmiletoo.

“Plus,tonightistechnicallyoverinabouttwohours.AndIwantmoretimethanthat.SoI’m

thinkingtomorrowinstead.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah.Youhaveplans?”

“Justinthemorning.ButI’llbefreeaftertwelve.”

“So,I’llpickyouuptomorrowatone.”

“Ineversaidyes,”Irespond,stillgrinning.

“Butyoudidn’tsaynoeither.”

“Well,there’sthat.”

We’rebothquietforafewminutes,listeningtothesoundsofthecity,enjoyingthecoolfall

breezerushingacrossus,suchacontrasttothetypicalLAheat.

“So,whatdoIhavetodotogetyoutoagreetoletmetakeyououttomorrow?”hefinallysays,

andIseeinmyperipheralvisionthathe’sturnedtolookatme.

Iwait,mullingoverwhatIshouldsay,andthenultimatelydecideontheresponseIusuallygive,

whichbordersbetweenhonestyand‘letsseehowinterestedyoureallyare.’

Iturnmyheadandboldlylookhimdeadintheeyes.

“Tobecompletelyhonest,Iamincrediblyawkwardondates.So…I’llagreeifit’sacasualday.

I’mlikeakid,youknow?Ilikeitsimple.Idon’treallyglamazon.That’snotmything.”

“Youdon’tglamazon?”Heraisesoneeyebrow.“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”

Ishrug.

“Youknow.Fakeeyelashesandhugeboobsandhookerheels.”

“Oh,soallofthewomeninside?”

“Prettymuch,”Irespondwithahalflaugh,thengesturetomyself.“Whatyouseeiswhatyou

get.”

HestepstowardsmeandIfeelmyheartratepickup.Withcompletesincerity,hereachesoutand

adjustsmyglasses,pushingthemupmynosealittle.

“Well,IcantellyouwithabsolutelycertaintythatIlikewhatIsee,”hesayssoftly.

Ifightthecheesygrinthatwantstobloomonmyfaceandinsteadjustofferhimasmallsmile.

AlthoughIamcertainmyflushedcheeksgiveawaythepleasureIfeltathiswords.

“Soyousaidone-o-clock?”Henodsandbreaksoutintothatbreathtakingsmileagain.My

butterfliesaregoingcrazy.“Onesoundsgreat.”

ChapterTwo

Mackasksformynumberandendsupleavingthepartywithintenminutes,andthenIspenda

whilelyingbackonthebalconyloungerwithastupidsmile.IfeellikeI’ma15-year-oldgoingon
herfirstdate.

Ridiculous.

I’mnottryingtopretendthatat21,I’msomeoldbird.I’mstillveryyoungandhaveawholelot

oflifeaheadofme.Butthereisahugedifferencebetweenhow15-and21-year-oldsfeelaboutdating
andrelationships.WhenIwas15andgoingonmyfirstfewdateswithCarterLincoln,itfeltlike
electricitywasshootingthroughmyveinsanytimewewouldlookateachother.Justasingleglance
fromhimacrossthequadcouldmakemytraitorousbodybreakoutintoadeepflushfromthemiddle
ofmychest,upmyneck,ontomycheeks.

Overtheyears,someofthatnewnesshasfallenaway.I’vedatedhereandthere,butIdon’tget

thatsquirmyfeelingofnervousnessanymore.DidIseriouslythinkIfeltbutterflieswhenMackasked
meoutearlier?Becausethat’showjustthosefewmomentsofinteractionwithMackmademefeel.
Likeitwasallnewagain.

WhenIfinallydecideit’stimetostopdaydreaming,IwanderinsidetofindJeremyorCharlie.

Withnoluck,Idrivehomeandcrawlintobedatareasonablehour.Butthatstilldoesn’tstopmefrom
groaningwhenmyalarmgoesoffatsixthenextmorning.

Timeforpractice.

IquicklyputonmypracticegearbeforepeekingintoCharlie’sroomtoseeifshemadeithome

thenightbefore.Nope.Icrossmyfingers,hopingshedidn’tgohomewiththeidiot.

Aftershovingafewbitesofbananaintomymouth,Idriveouttothecollegesoccerfield

wishingthatIwasstillsnuggledinbed,thinkingaboutMackandwhatourdatewilllooklike.Practice
onaSaturdaymorningfeelsparticularlymean.Normallywejustpracticeduringtheweekdays,but
withonlyonelossthisseasonandatoptenranking,GlendaleCollegeiscurrentlyarealhopefulfor
aspotintheplayoffsforthefirsttimeinthecollege’shistory.So,extrapracticesitis.

We’restretchingwhenCoachWalkerjoinsusatsevenandgetsusrunningthefield.Afterwe

finishafewlaps,shepullsusintoacircle.

“Alrightladies,asI’vebeensayingthepastfewweeks,ourfocusneedstoremainonendurance

training.You’vealldoneagreatjobadjustingtothedifficultdrillsI’vethrownatyousofarthis
season,andthatshowsdedication.Butkeepupyourextratraininginyourofftimetoboostthat
endurance.RegulationsdictateIcanonlyhavetwohourswithyouthismorning,sowe’regonna
focusonhigh-intensitydrills.We’remorethanhalfwaythere,butyoustillhaveeightgamesleft.”

SeveralofthegirlsletoutgroansatCoachWalker ’sstatements.

“Ihatehigh-intensitydrills,”Ihearfrommyright.

IturntoseePiperMills,oneofourfirst-yearstrikers,andIgiveasmallnodofagreement.We

goalkeepershaveiteasierduringhigh-intensitydrills,becauseitmainlyfocusesonballmaneuvering
andquickfeet.

Butnoneofusgettolaybackandwatch.Andfromthelooksofit,Piperwantstocurlupina

ballandsleepawaythathangover.Hereyesaredullandshestillhasmakeupcrustedonherfacefrom
whatevershewasdoingthenightbefore.Someonedidn’tgetenoughsleep.Rookiemistake.

CoachWalkergrinsatthecomplaints.

“Nomoaning,ladies.You’reinasolidposition,butyoustillhavealotofthingstoworkon.

Let’sgetmoving.”

WithaclapofCoachWalker ’shands,everyonesluggishlybeginsgettingintogroupsand

maneuveringthefieldwithconesandsoccerballs,andpracticebegins.

WhenCoachWalkerfinallycallsitaday,Ishoutaquickgoodbyetoafewofthegirls,jog

quicklytomycaranddrivebacktotheapartment.IcanfinallyputmymindtowardswhatI’vebeen
willingmyselfnottothinkaboutallmorning.

It’sdateday.

I’mnotnormallythisperson.Idon’tgetexcitedaboutdates.Ihavetoomuchgoingoninmylife

atanygivenmomenttogetexcitedaboutwatchingsomeoneoftheoppositesexchewwiththeir
mouthopen.

Schoolwork,soccerpractice,mypart-timejob,familydrama…thosetakeupwaytoomuchof

mytimealready.Nottomentionmyhandfuloffriendships,mysocialcalendar-which,tobehonest,
isn’tcompletelyoff-the-charts-packedwithfunthings,butitshouldstillbeapriority-andthe
enduranceandstrengthtrainingIpackintomyfreetime.Plussleepingandallowingmyselftimeto
relax.

Thatliterallyleaveslike,sixhoursofmyweekavailablefordating.I’vealwaysusedthosehours

forextrastudyortoeatstupidamountsoffood,ormoretimeatthegym.Buttoday,Mackgetsthose
hours.AndI’mentirelypositiveitwillbemybestuseoftimeinmonths.

WhenIopenthedoortotheapartmentasIreturnfrompractice,IseeCharlie’sheelsandpurse

tossedhaphazardlyonthefloorintheentryway.

“Char?”Icallout.

ForasecondIhearnothing.Thenasmallgruntcomesfromthelivingroom.WhenIwalkin,I

findherfacedownonthesofa,abottleofwaterandapackageofheadmedsonthecoffeetable.

“Roughnight?”Iasksoftly,crouchingnexttoherandpullingherhairoutofherface.

Sherollsontohersideandlooksupatme,remorsewritteninhereyes.“I’msorry,”she

whispers.

Igiveherasmallsmile.“Metoo.”Ileanforwardandkissherforehead,thenheadintothe

bathroomwhereIquicklydisrobeandcrawlunderthehotwater.

AfewminutespassbeforeIhearafaintknockonthedoor.

“Comein,”Isay,knowingthatCharliehascometodoour‘post-argument’chat.Anytimewe

havesomethingimportanttotalkabout,shewaitsuntilI’mintheshowersoshecansitoutsidethe
curtainandcantalkwithoutaface-to-faceconversation.Idon’treallygetit,butIguessit’sjusta
thingwithher.

IhearCharliedropthelidonthetoiletandsitdown.WithoutevenlookingIknowexactlyhow

she’ssitting.Shehasherfeetontheseat,armswrappedaroundherlegs,chinrestingonherknees.
Wemayhavedonethisonceortwice.

“So,Ihavetotellyousomething,”shesaysinavoiceIcanbarelyhearovertherushingwater.

Myhandsdropfromwheretheywerescrubbingshampoointomyhair.

“Please,Charlie.Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tsleepwiththatdickfromlastnight.”

“No!”shequicklyshouts.“No,no,no.Yeah,thatguywasatotaldick.Youwerecompletely

right.”

Isighwithrelief.

“ThanktheLord,”Imumble,andmyhandsresumescrubbingtheshampoo.

“No,thisisn’tabouthim.Thisis…”there’sapause.Alongpause.SoIknowshe’stryingto

summonupthecouragetotellmewhateveritis.“IhadsexwithJeremy.”

Myhandsstopmovinginmyhair,shampooforgotten,andIfeelallofthecolordrainfrommy

face.IgrabtheshowercurtainandpracticallyripitoffasIpullitbacktoseeCharliesittingonthe
toilet,exactlyhowIhadpicturedher.

“Youwhat!?”Ishout,completelyuncaringaboutstandingbucknakedinfrontofmyroommate,

withthewaterstillonandnowsplashingoffofmybodyandontothefloor.

“I’msorry,RJ,”shesaysquickly,tuckingherselffurtherintoherbody.“Ishouldhavetoldyou

aboutit.Itoldmyselfoverandoverthatitwaswrongformetokeepthissecretfromyou.ButIjust
didn’twantyoutohatemeforsleepingwithyourbrother.Yourfriendshipmeanstoomuchtome.He
saidweshouldn’tevertellyoubecauseyouwouldbereallyupset.SoIjustneversaidanything.”

Myfacescrunchesupinconfusion.

“Waitaminute,whendidthishappen?”

“Freshmanyear.”

“What!?”Ishoutagain.Myeyesfallshut.Icrossmyarmsovermybreasts,liftingahandto

squeezeatthebridgeofmynose.“So,ItellmybrothertostayawayfromyoubecauseIdon’twantto
ruinourfriendshipandheimmediatelygoesandgetsyouintobed?Iamgoingtomurderhim.”

“Ohmygod,RJ,pleasepleasepleaseyoucan’ttellhimItoldyou!”Charlie’sfaceiscontortedin

someweirdmixofmortifiedandterrified.“Wepromisedeachotherwewouldn’teversayanything
aboutitsincebothofussaiditdidn’tmeananything.ItjustturnsoutImighthavebeenlyingwhenI
saidit,andhewasn’t.I’monlytellingyounowbecauseIfeellikeyou’reowedanexplanationfor
whyIreactthewayIdosometimeswhenI’maroundhim.”

Iletoutalongbreathandswipetheshampoothatisnowtricklingdownmyforeheadawayfrom

myeyes.I’mtryingtoformulatethewordsIwanttosaywithoutsoundinglikeabitch.

“Charlie,Igetit.Thewayyouactishowmostwomenfeelafterhesleepswiththemandthen

breaksthingsoff.Idealtwithenoughbrokenheartsaskingmewhyhedidn’twanttodatethemwhen
wewerefreshmen.ButItoldyouthisaboutmybrotherbeforeyouevenmethim.Ispecificallytold
youthathewasbadnewsfromarelationshipstandpointandnottofallforhisshit.Imean,afterallof
theguysyou’vesleptwith,whyishetheonethathasyouallupinknotsandunabletomoveon?”

Shelooksatmeabitconfused.

“Maybeyoujustdon’tunderstandbecauseyouhaven’thadsexwithanyonebefore.”

Irollmyeyes.

“Youdon’tgettopullthevirgincardhere,okay?JustbecauseIhaven’thadsexbeforedoesn’t

meanIdon’tunderstandthatitcanhaveanemotionalimpact.Ijustdon’tunderstandwhatitisabout
Jeremythathasyouhunguponhimthreeyearslater.”AndthenIquicklyadd,“Andyourexplanation
betterhavenothingtodowithhispenis.”

Hermouthtipsupattheside,andIseehertryingtoholdinalaugh.

“I’mnotsayingyoudon’tunderstandbecauseyou’reavirgin.I’msayingyoudon’tunderstand

becauseyoudon’tknowthedifferencebetweenyourfirsttime,andeveryothertime.Yourfirsttime
changeseverything.”

Ipauseandlookather.

“YouwereavirginwhenyousleptwithJeremy?”Shenods.“ButIthought…Imean,whenwe

movedintogetherfreshmanyearyouusedtotalkabouttheguysfromhighschoolthatyou’dhooked
upwith.”

“Oh,don’tassumeIwascompletelyinnocent.Idefinitelyhadmyfuninhighschool,”shesays,

grabbingherhairandpullingitforwardacrossoneshoulder.Sheletsoutasighasshestartspicking

atthetipsofherhair.“ButIwasavirginuntilJeremy.”

Isitdownontheedgeofthetubandstareatthedrain,tryingtoreorganizethepastfewyearsto

tryandbetterunderstand.CharliewasavirginwhenshesleptwithJeremy.Doesthatmeanthather
one-night-stand-a-thonforthepastthreeyearswasbecauseofJeremy?Becauseshewastryingto
forgetthepersonshegaveherfirsttimeto?Andallthosetimesshetalkedabouthim,butpretended
shewasn’tinterested,shewaspretendingbecausesheknewIdidn’twantthemtogether?Myjaw
tightensasIrealizethatJeremymusthavesleptwithherandthenusedmeasanexcusetodiscardher.

“I’msosorry,Char.Ididn’tknow.”

Sheshrugsandstandsup.

“Well,nowyoudo.So,canyoupromisemeyouwon’ttellyourbrother?”

Ilookatherforamoment,unsurewhetherIcanreallymakethatpromise.WhenIfinallynodat

her,sheleansoverandkissesmyforehead.

“You’reagreatfriend,RJ.Thanksfornotkickingmyassforhandingmyflowertoyour

brother.”Ishakemyheadandletoutachuckle.Ihatewhenshecallsitaflower.AsIstandandbegin
toclosetheshowercurtain,sheadds“Andyourasslooksamazing,bytheway.Thatextratrainingis
totespayingoff.”

IglanceoverandfindhergrinningatmebeforeshepullsthedoorclosedandI’mleftwithmy

thoughts.

*****

Thedoorbellringsat12:45.Havingbeenreadyandwanderingaimlesslyaroundourapartment

fornearlyanhour,IcomeflyingdownthestairswithsuchenergythatInearlysliponthetilenearthe
entry.

“Youexpectingsomeone?”Charlieasksfromthelivingroom.

“Yeah,kindof,”Irespond,beforewipingmyhandsonmyjeans,blowingoutabreathand

openingthedoor.

HestandstheresmilinginChucks,jeans,andafadedRamonest-shirtholdinga…deadflower?

“Uhm…hi,”Isay,unsurehowtoproceed.

“Hey.Thisisforyou,”hesayshandingtheshriveledupflowertome.

AchokedlaughescapesmeasIstarttoreachouttotakeitfromhim.

“I’mnotsurewhattosay.Youshouldn’thave?”

Helaughsandchucksthedeadflowerintothebushesnexttoourdoor.

“Itwasajoke,RJ.Yousaidyou’reawkwardatdates,soIthoughtIwouldstartitoffawkwardto

alleviatethestress.”

Iraisemyeyebrows.

“Andadeadfloweris…”

“Hey,ifIcan’twowyouwithsomeglamorouslyexpensivemeal,Iatleasthavetotryandmake

youlaugh.Don’ttellmeItotallyruinedeverythingalready.”Hisfacialexpressionistwistedinto
mockseriousness,andIcan’thelpthesmilethatbloomsonmyface.Heleansforward,hisforearm
restingonthedoorjamb,hisfacejustinchesfromme.“Thereitis.”

“What?”

“Thatsmile,”heresponds,hiseyesfocusingonmymouth.He’ssoclosetomethatIswear

we’rebreathingineachother ’sair.

Ibitemyliptokeepfromgigglinglikeamentalpatient,andglancedownatmybarefeetbefore

summoningthecouragetolookhimdirectlyinthefaceagain.

“Wannacomein?Istillhavetoputmyshoeson.”

Henodsandfollowsmeintothelivingroom,whereCharlieiscurrentlycurledupinher

pajamaswatchingrealityTV,nursingtheremainsofherhangover.

Sheflickshereyestomeforonlyasecondwhenwewalkintotheroom,butthendouble-takes

whensherealizesI’mnotalone.

“CharliethisisMack.Mack,myroommate,Charlie.”

“Nicetomeetyou,”Macksays,noddingather.

CharliegivesMackhermegawattsmile.

“Youtoo.So,whereareyoutwogoing?”sheasks,flippingontoherkneesandfacingusfrom

overthebackofthesofa.

“Notsure,”IreplyasItuckmyfeetintosocksandslipononeofmyChucks.“Somewhere

casual,rightMack?”IlookupathimforconfirmationasIlacemyshoes.

Hejustnods.

“Yup.Casual.”

Afterfinishingwithmyshoes,IstandandsaybyetoCharlie.WithMack’sbackturnedtowards

usashewalkstothedoor,Charlie’seyesgrowwideandshegivesmeaquickthumbsupbefore
mouthingOh.My.God.Igiggleandwaveatherbeforewalkingoutthefrontdoor.

Whenwegetouttothecurb,Iseeatruckwithtwobikesinthebed.Withoutaword,hedropsthe

bedofthetruckandbeginstounload.

“We’reridingbikes?”Iask.

“Well,ifIremembercorrectly,yourexactwordswere‘I’mlikeakid.Ilikeitsimple.’So,we’re

goingold-school,pre-driverslicensedays.”HepushesaSchwinntowardsme,completewithbasket
andbell.

“Wow,Mack.Pullingoutallthestops,”Ithrowmylegoverthebikeandgetcomfortableonthe

seat.“WhatwouldyouhavedoneifIwaswearingadressandheels?”

Helooksatmewithasmirk.

“Afteryourglamazoncommentlastnight,Ifiguredyouinjeanswasasafebet.”

“Ihavetobehonest.I’veneverbeenonabikedatebefore.Twopointsforcreativity.”Iringthe

belltwiceforemphasis.

“Twopoints?That’sit?”Heopensthepassengerdoortothetruckandpullsoutabluehelmet.“I

deserveatleastfive.”

Ilaugh.

“You’vegottadoalotmorethanthrowmeonabiketogetbigpointswithme.”

Hisfaceshowsthehintofasmileashewalkstowardsmeandplopsthehelmetonmyhead,then

clipsthestrapsundermychin.Hetakesastepbackandjustlooksatme,causingmyfacetoflush.

“Perfect.”

Hestepsbacktowardshisbike,straddlestheseat,andcallsa‘let’sgo’aswetakeoffdownthe

road.

IthasbeenareallylongtimesinceI’veriddenabike.AtleastsincebeforeIstarteddriving,if

notlonger.Iforgothowfunitis.Wepedalnexttoeachotherdowntheroad,andatthisslowerpace,
I’mabletosoakindetailsaboutthedaythatwouldnormallyracepastme.

Likewhatanabsolutelygorgeousdayitis,andhowthesunishighbutnottoohot.Ortheleaves

ontheground,whentheabscissionofleavesdoesn’thappenonmosttreesinmyneighborhood.Or
somethinglessbeautiful,likethefactthepeopledowntheroaddecideditwouldbeokaytoleavetheir
stainedmattressatthecurb.Bleh.

It’sashortride,maybetwentyminutestotal,andwedon’treallytalk.Wejustalternatebetween

racingandridingataleisurelypace.WhenwefinallypullintotheAtwaterVillageFunCenter,Iring

mybelloverandoverasIracepastMacktowardsthebikeracks.

“Ibeatyou,”IsaywithfeignedinnocenceasIlockmybikeintotherackandpulloffmyhelmet.

Mackjustsmiles.

“Congratulations.Now,haveyoubeenherebefore?”

Ishakemyhead.

“Good.Becausetodaywearegoingtohaveawesomekidfun.”

“Mini-golf?”Iask.

“Andbumperboats.”

“Youknowifweridethego-karts,I’mgoingtocompletelykickyourass.”

Hejustlooksatmeandsmiles.

“Idon’tdoubtthatintheslightest.”

Afterlockingourbikestotherack,Mackgrabsmyhandandlooselylinkshisfingersinmine.

It’seasy.Natural.Likewe’vealwaysdonethis.Hesqueezesmyhandlightlyandgivesmeasweet
smilebeforeleadingmeinside.

Hedoesn’tletgo,notevenwhenoneoftheemployeesasksustoholdontogolfclubstohelp

measurewhichonesweshoulduse.Hedoesn’tletgountilwegetoutsideandpickupascorecardand
golfpencil.

“Alright,sowhatarethestakesofthisgame?”Iask,crossingmyarmsaswelookoverthefirst

hole.

“Ahhhhh,soyou’reabettinggirl,huh?”

“Absolutely.Iamverycompetitive.”

“Ohthathasbecomeglaringlyobvious,”hereplies,chucklingtohimself.Heputshishandtohis

chinandlooksmeover,thenmakesahummingsound.“Thewinnerplansthenextdate.Whatever
theywant.”

“You’reassumingtherewillbeanotherdate,”Iretort.

“Areyouassumingtherewon’tbe?”

“Ineversaidthat.Ijustthinkyou’regettingalittleaheadofyourself.”Iswingmygolfclubover

myshouldersandrestmyarmsoneachend.“Whatifthisdateisamiserableexperienceforyouand
thenyou’restuckplanningsomelametriptoApplebee’sfornextweekend.Imean,forallyouknow,
I’matotallyinsane,crazypersonwhosiftsthroughJustinBieber ’strashlookingforhairclippings.”

“Doyousortthroughhistrashlookingforhairclippings?”

“Maybe.”

“AreyouaBelieberwithBieberFever?”

ThegigglethatfallsfrommeisrelentlessandInearlydropthegolfclub.

“Howdoyouevenknowthosewords?”

Hegrins.

“Mysisterhasadaughter,whichiswheresheplacestheblameforherludicrousknowledgeof

hissonglyrics,eventhoughIknowit’sreallyherwiththecardboardcutout.”Ilaughagain.“And
suggestingthisbetdoesn’tmeanI’mthinkingtheremightbeanotherdate.”Hestepsinclosetome
andlightlyreststhepalmofhishandonthebackofmyneck,histhumbtracingtheedgeofmyjaw.
“I’mguaranteeingtherewillbeanotherdate.”Hiseyesflickertomylips,thenbackuptomyeyes.

I’mnotsurehowtorespond.Thelaughterfromjustamomentbeforehasbeensuckedoutofthe

spacearoundusandreplacedwithaweirdtensionthatmakesthehairsonmybodystandtoattention.
Ifeeljitteryandunsurewhattodowithmyhands.

WhenherestshisforeheadagainstmineandIcanfeelhisbreathonmyface,Iwanthimtokiss

me.Idon’treallyknowhimandIknowitwouldbewaytoofastforagirllikeme,butatthesame
time,Ican’texplainthewayIfeelrightnow.

TheclosestdescriptorIcanthinkofisthatitfeelslikeI’vebeenshakenupinside,likethenuts

andboltsthatnormallyholdmetogetherhavefallenlooseandImightcollapseatanymomentand
meltintotheground.

Afteranotherbeat,Mackstepsback,releasinghisholdonme,andittakeseveryeffortIhaveto

notshowinmyfacialexpressioneverythinghejustmademefeel.

IletoutacontrolledbreatheventhoughIfeellikegaspingforair.

“Soundslikeagoodbettome.”

*****

Twohourslater,we’veprettymuchdoneitall.We’vecompletedaroundofmini-golf,which

Mackwonbyalandslide,followedbythreetripsonthego-karts,onehardcollisioninthebumper
boats,weeachtookaturninthebattingcages,andabouttwentyminutesplayingSkeeballinthe
arcade.

“So,Iknowwearesomewhereinthelimbobetweenlunchanddinner,butareyouhungry?”he

asksasIfeedhisticketsintotheticketcounter.

“Sure.Whatsoundsgood?”Isnatchthereceiptthatspitsoutofthemachine.“Eighty-fivetickets!

Nicejob!”Hetakesthereceiptfrommyhandsandwestartwalkingtowardstheprizebooth.

“Well,I’vebeenhearingprettyawesomethingsaboutaplacecalledIn-N-OutBurger,andIwas

hopingtotrythat.”

Iturnquicklyandslapmyhandflatagainsthischest,haltinghisforwardmovement.

“Woah,woah,woah.You’veneverhadIn-N-Outbefore?Whereareyoufrom?Mars?”

“Indiana,actually,”heresponds,raisinganeyebrow.Withalaugh,headds,“andsomehowIfeel

likeI’veoffendedyou.”

“Well,Indy,thefactthatyouhavelivedinSoCalforseveralweeksandhaven’tbeentoanIn-N-

OutBurgermeansyouhavebeenmakinghorriblefriendssinceyougothere.”Helaughs.“Letscash
outyourticketsandrideback.There’sanIn-N-Outafewblocksfrommyapartment.”

Aftertakingforevertodecideonaprize,Mackfinallypicksasmallstuffedanimalandafew

glitteryjellybracelets,whichhequicklydepositsintomyhands.

“Makesureyouwearthosebraceletsonournextdate,”hesays,wrappinghisarmaroundmy

shoulderandleadingmetowardstheexit.Ofcourse,Idon’twaitthatlong,andthebraceletsare
quicklyslippedontomywrist.

WhenwefinallygettoIn-N-Out,thelineiscrazylong,perusual.Macklooksconcerned.

“Doyouwanttocomebackanothertimewhenitisn’tsobusy?”

Ilaugh.

“Thisplaceisalwaysbusy.Butit’llbeworththewait,Ipromise.”

Hejustsmilesandjoinsmeinline,takingmyhandandinterlockingourfingersagain.Ipeakup

athimwhilehestudiesthemenu.Imightnotdateoften,butI’malsonotblind.Iusuallynotice
attractivemen,butIusuallytrytogettoknowguysbetterbeforeIallowmyselftodevelopaninterest.
Whotheyare,whattheyvalue,howtheyapproachtheworld.WhywouldIwanttobeginsomething
withsomeonewhoIhavenothingincommonwithorwhomakesreallyhorriblechoices?Itsounds
likeawasteoftimeandenergy.

MyrelationshipwithMacksofarisdifferent.Yes,hehasseemednothingbutgenuineand

thoughtfulduringourinteractions,butIknowalmostnothingabouthim.We’velaughedalottoday
andtalkednon-stop,butourtopicshaveremainedfairlysurfacelevel,whichIknowistypicalfora
firstdate.

ButI’veneverbeforefeltapulltosomeone,letalonetosomeoneImetlessthan24hoursago.

Andthenthere’sthewayhelooksatme.IfeellikeI’minalow-budgetchickflickthewayhemakes
meweakintheknees.AndI’masoccergirl-Ihavekickassknees.Itmakesmefeelidiotic,because
mylogicalbrainistellingmeI’mtoooverwhelmedbythephysicalrushhegivesmewhenhe
touchesmelightlyorlooksatmelikehecan’tgetenoughofme-thephysicalandhormonalpartsof
anewrelationship.

Ishakeoffthatthought,though.Imaynotbeabletoputitintowordsjustyet,butthisthingwith

Mackfeelsspecial.Unique.Myinterestisn’tbeingguidedbymylogicalbrain,andmaybethat’sthe
issue.

Oncewefinallygettothefrontofthelineandplaceourorders,wenabanopentableoutside

andwaitforournumbertobecalled.

“So,we’vespentthewholedaytalkingwithoutreallytalking,”hesays,takingasipofhis

chocolateshake.“What’syourstory,RJ?”

Ifoldmyhandsundermychinandpropmyselfonthetablewithmyelbows.Timefortheget-to-

know-youpart.

“Notmuchtotell,really.I’m21,andI’mincollegestudyingtobeahighschoolEnglishteacher.

I’velivedinSoCalmyentirelife.That’saboutit,really.”

“WhyEnglish?”

“IhadareallyamazingEnglishteacherwhenIwasinhighschool.Ireallyenjoyedhisclass,but

healsohelpedmedealwithsomepersonalissuesandhereallycaredaboutmeasaperson.”

“Verycool,”heresponds.

“Yeah.Ispentmylunchesinhisclassroom,usuallyreading.Wehadsomeamazing

conversationsandheshowedmeyoucanuseyourpositionasateachertoinvestinpeople.”Itakea
sipofmysoda.“Plushewasmycoach.SoI’mhopingtodothataswell.”

“Ohreally?Whatdidhecoachyouin?”

“Football,”Ireply.

Hiseyebrowsflyup.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,Iwasthekickeronmyhighschoolteam.”

“Wow,that’sreallycool,”hesays,justasournumberiscalled.“Berightback.”Oncehe’sback

withourfood,wepausesohecantakeinthegloriousnessoftheIn-N-OutDouble-Double.Ijuststare
athimwhilehetakeshisfirstbiteandthengroansatthetaste.

“Liveuptothehype?”Iask.

Henods,thenmovesbacktoourearlierconversation.“So,you’reafootballfanatic?”

“Well,I’mnotafanatic.Ireallydoenjoyfootball-playingandwatching.OneofthereasonsI

joinedtheteamwastopissoffmydad,though.Hetookhugeissuewiththefacthislittlegirlwas
coveredinsweatanddirtandgettingslappedontheassbyfiftyguyseveryday.”

“Soundslikethere’sastorythere.”

“Thereis.Butwecansavethatfornexttime.”

“Nexttime?”Heasks,withaquirkedeyebrow.

Ijustsmile.

“Anyway,therealreasonIplayedwastokeepmylegsinshapeforsoccerduringtheoff

season,”IsayasIsqueezeoutsomespreadontomyfriesandthrowafewinmymouth.

Hecoughs,thentakesasipofhissoda.

“Really?”

“Yeah,mysoccercoachwasarealbitch.Andnotthat‘endearingbitch’youseecoaching

championshipteams.Shewasjustawful.Icanonlyimaginehowmuchbettermyteamwouldhave

doneduringplayoffsduringmysenioryearifwe’dhadabettercoach.”Ipause,takingabitefrom
myownburger.“Anyway,I’mhopingtoteachEnglishandcoachsoccer.Butwhoknowsifthatwill
allworkout.”

JustasMackisbeginningtoreply,Ihearasquealandatinyvoiceshout“UncleMack!”beforea

littleblurrunspastmeandplowsintomydate’slegs.

“Hey,babygirl!”hesays,wipinghishandsandliftingthetoddlerupintohisarmsforatight

squeeze.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

“Ishouldbeaskingyouthesamething,”comesavoicefrombehindme.Ilookovermy

shoulderandseeastunningbrunette,alllonglegsandbrightness.“Ithoughtyouhadsome
‘unbreakablecommitment’today.You’rejustgettingfood?”

Mackshiftsinhisseatandalookofembarrassmentcrosseshisface,buthecoversitby

adjustingthelittlegirlinhisarms.

“Nice,Amy,”hemutterswithasigh.“Amy,meetRJ.Myunbreakablecommitment.”

Internally,I’mswooningandbarelyregisterasAmy’seyesglancequicklybetweenMackand

me.

“Ohmygosh,Iamsosorry.”

“Don’tworryaboutit,”Isay,reachingmyhandouttoher.“Nicetomeetyou,Amy,”Irespond.

Shesmilesatme,takingmyhandinafirmshake.

“Nicetomeetyou,RJ.Mylittlebrotherdidn’ttellmehehadadatetoday.”Hersmilegrows

larger,practicallytakingupherentirefaceasshelooksbackathim.

“Oh,wearen’tonadate,”Isay,grabbingmysodaandtakingasip.

Amy’ssmiledropsjustabit.“Oh,”isallshesays.

“Yeah,Imean,wouldyoudateaguywhoscreamsfromthetopofbuildingslikeacrazyperson

andbringsyoudeadflowers?”Ifakeacreeped-outshiver.“Nothanks.I’mjusthereforthefree
food.”

Amylooksconfused,butIcanseeMack’sshouldersshakingwithsilentlaughteroutofthe

cornerofmyeye.

Withoutgivingheranyfurtherinformation,Mackinterrupts.

“So,whatareyouuptotoday,Amy?”

AmyquicklyrecuperatesandfocusesherattentionbackonMack.

“KevinandIarecelebratingouranniversarytonight,soAnnaandIaregrabbingsomefood

beforeIdropheroffatthesitter ’s.I’msupposedtobetherein,”sheglancesatherwatch,“twenty
minutesandshelivesinPasadena,soIbetterhurrybecauseI’malreadyatleastfifteenminuteslate.”

“I’msorry,Ames.Ididn’trealizeitwasyouranniversary.Icanwatchher,”Macksays,keeping

Annasittinginhislap,wheresheishappilystuffingafryintohermouth.

“Oh,don’tbesilly,”Amyresponds,reachingoutforAnna.“Idon’twanttointerruptyour…

non-date.”Shestilllooksslightlyconfusedaboutit,whichmakesmewanttolaughagain.

“It’sreallynotaproblem,”Ipipein.“Ionlyliveafewblocksfromhere.Andwe’reheading

backtomyplacesoon.WecanfeedAnna.”

Amylooksatme,asmiletuggingatthecornerofhermouth.

“Yousure?”IglanceoveratMackandseeahappilyperplexedexpressiononhisface,buthejust

givesAmyashortnod.“Well,alright.I’llcallChloeandletherknowIwon’tneedherafterall.Her
mompracticallyforceshertobabysit,soI’msureshe’dratherenjoyaSaturdaynightwithfriends
anyway.”Shesmilesagain.“Thanksalot.I’llwalkovertogetherwhenwegethome?”

“Absolutely.I’llprobablyswingthroughyourplacetograbsomeofherstuff,butwe’llspend

theeveningatmine.Ifsomethingchanges,justshootmeatext.”

“ThanksMack.”SheleansoverandkissesMackonthecheek,andthenlookstome.“Itwasnice

tomeetyouRJ.”

Ismileather,andthenshe’soutthedoor.

Overthenexttwentyminutes,MackandIarewrappedupinAnnaasheordersherfoodandwe

getherfed.Shereallyisadorable,allcherubcheeksandchocolatecurls.

“Howoldisshe?”IaskMackaswewalkoutthedoor.

“Fournextmonth.Hopefullywe’reedgingoutoftheterribletwosomes,whichextendedintothe

thrillinglyterriblethreesomes,”hesaysasheswingsAnnaupintotheairabovehishead.Shegiggles
andmyheartglows.“Sorryaboutourlittledate-crasherhere.”

“I’mnotstressed.Ilovekids.I’mgladweweretheretohelp.”

“Yeah,metoo.”

Afterunlockingourbikesoutside,heliftsAnnauptositonhisshouldersandwestartthefifteen

minutewalkbacktomyapartment.Mackguideshisbikeinonehand,hisotherclaspedfirmlyaround
Anna’sleg,whileIrideaimlesscirclesaroundthemaswemakeourwaydownthestreetofhouses.

“AmyshotmeatextlastnightaskingifIcouldbabysit.IfIhadknownitwasheranniversaryI

wouldhavefiguredsomethingoutinsteadofjusttellingherIwasbusy.”

“Correction.Youtoldheryouhadan‘unbreakablecommitment.’”IglanceathisfaceasIcircle

himandIseethatsameflashofembarrassment.He’ssilentforamoment,hisbrowspulledtogether,
andIworrythatI’vesomehowmadehimthinkI’mmockinghimforrealinsteadofforfun.

“Yeah,well…”hestarts,buttrailsoffwithoutfinishinghisthought.

Thesilencebetweenusbecomesuncomfortableforthefirsttime.Everythingupuntilnowhas

beeneasy.Ourconversation,ourteasing,myshyglancesandhisboldstares.Evenoursilencehas
beeneasyandfreefromthatawkwardneedtofillthespace.AfteraminuteortwoIfinallyjustblurt
outthefirstthingthatcomestomind.

“I’veonlyeverhadoneboyfriend,”Isay,unsureexactlywhereI’mgoingwiththis.Macklooks

upatmebriefly,thenbackatthestreetinfrontofhim.“Wedatedinhighschool.Hewasalways
uncomfortablewiththefactthatIhungoutwiththeguys,thatIcouldplayball.Hewasalwaysonme
abouthowIdressedandhowIsatandhowIjokedaroundwiththeguys.HemadeitseemlikeIwas
defectivebecauseIplayedgrittysportswithabunchofmeatheadsinsteadofwantingtospendtimeat
themall.”

“Soundslikehewasmoreconcernedabouthowyouplayingsportsmadehimfeel,ratherthan

supportingitbecauseyouenjoyit,”Mackcutsin.

IstopridingincirclesaroundMackandpullupnexttohim,notmakingeyecontact,justrolling

slowlynexttohimashewalks.

“Hewasatool.Hewoundupcheatingonmewithacheerleader.Socliché,right?Fortherestof

highschool,Iactuallyquestionedmyselfasanathlete,wonderingifIwouldhavetoquitthemud
bathsandsweaty,dirtybehaviorifIwantedtoeverdateagain,asifthere’ssomethingwrongwith
womenwhoplaysports.Butwhenyou’rebarely16andsurroundedbygirlswhospendhoursonhair
andmakeupandclothes,andalsosurroundedbyabunchofguyswhohadsomuchtosayaboutthe
femalebodyandwhatthesegirlswouldwearandhowtheylooked…Ijustreallystruggledtosee
myselfinanythingbutanegativelight.Youknow?”

WeturnthecornerandIcanseemyapartmentcomplexattheendoftheblock.

“I’veonlyhadtheoneboyfriend,andIthinkthatnegativeattitudekeptguysawayfortherestof

highschool.ButI’vebeenonsomedateshereandthereincollegenowthatIfinallyhavemore
confidenceinwhoIamandwhatIdo.Nothingserious,justrandomguys.AndeventhoughI’m
comfortablewithmyselfnow,I’vealwaysplayedthecasualcard,myapproachtodatinghasalmost
beentosmackguysovertheheadwithwhoIam.Mytherapisttoldmeitwasawayofweeding
throughthepeoplewhoweren’tworthmytimetomakesurethattheshittyguyswhocareabout

superficialthingsdon’thaveachancetohurtme.IalwayswearthesameclothesIworethatday.No
effort.Just,‘hereisme’.”Ipause,tryingtosortthroughmythoughtsquickly.There’sapoint,here,
andIneedtomakeit.

“Today,Iwasreadyanhourearly.Ishowered.Ishaved.Iputonmascara.Ipickedoutanew

outfit.AndIrealizedasIwasgettingreadythatsometimes,aguycanbeworththeextraeffort.
Simplybecausetheymakeyourfaceflush,andyougetbutterflieswhentheylookatyou,andthey
takeyouonbikeridesandwinyoujellybracelets.”

Westopinfrontofthegatetomycomplex,andIconnectwithhiseyesforthefirsttimesinceI

startedtalking.He’slookingatmewithsuchintensity,IfeellikeImightburstintoflames.

“Iguessthepointofthatoverlylongandfar-too-detailedstoryisthatIjustwantyoutoknow

thattodaywasanunbreakablecommitmentformetoo.”

Myheartispounding.Sofast,sohard.I’veneverrevealedthatmuchaboutmyselfsoquickly,so

early.ButIknowit’sworthit.Mackseemsworthit.

Pleasebeworthit.

Justashismouthopenslikehe’sgoingtosaysomething,Annaletsoutawailandstarts

squirmingfrantically.MackdragshiseyesawayfrommeandsetsAnnadown,whereshepromptly
flingsherselftothegroundintears.

“Ithinkshe’stired,”hesays,glancingathiswatch.“Ishouldprobablygetherhomesoshecan

laydown.”

“Okay,yeah,”Isay,lookingawayfromhimandrollingmybiketowardshistruck.

Mackunlocksthedoor,thenbucklesasquirmyAnnaintoacarseatthatisalreadysetupinthe

back.Aftercrackingthewindow,heshutsthedoorandpicksupmybike,liftingitintothebed.When
he’sdonestrappingdownbothofthebikes,hehopsdownnexttome.

“Ihadareallygreattimetoday.”Hereachesforwardtotakemyhand,butinsteadoflinkingour

fingers,hejustholdsmyhandandrubslazycirclesagainsttheinsideofmywrist,underthebracelets.
Mystomachisjumpingallovertheplace.He’slookingathishandonminewhenIhearhimsay,“I
reallywanttokissyou,”thenhiseyesliftandstopatmylips,andmystomachlaunchesitselfintomy
throat,“butIhaveAnnainthecar,andIdon’tthinkit’sagoodideaformetostickaround.”Icando
nothingbutnodashecontinuestorubcircles.“ButI’mgonnahugyougoodbye,becausejustholding
yourhandtodayhasbeenthemostamazingtortureI’veeverfelt,andI’mnotreadytoletgoofthat
yet.”

IfIthoughtmyheartwasbeatingfastearlier,Ihadnoclue.Icanfeelitracingamillionmilesan

hourasheleansforwardandwrapshisarmsaroundmywaist,pullingmesnugintohissolidchest.
Myarmsinstinctivelylooparoundhisneck,ourcheekspressedtogether.Wejuststandtherefora
minute.Anhour,maybe.Ihavenoidea.ButIknowthatnokissinmylifehasfeltasgoodasbeing
wrappedinhisarms.Damn,hesmellsgood.

Hisheaddropsashepusheshisfaceintomyneck,andIhearhiminhale.

“Youfeelittoo,right?”hewhispers,hishandsonmylowerbackplayingwiththeedgeofmy

shirt.Histhumbsneaksunderthefabricandstrokeslightlyagainstmyskin.“PleasetellmeI’mnot
crazyandthatyoufeelthisconnectiontoo.”

MyeyessqueezeshutasItrytotemperthefloodofemotionsrushingthroughme.“Don’t

worry,”Ireply.“Ithinkwe’rebothcrazy.”

Hepresseshisfaceintothecrookofmyneckonemoretimebeforereleasingmeandtakinga

stepback.Helooksatmeforamoment,hiseyessoft.

“I’lltalktoyousoon,”hesays.Andthenhe’shoppingintohistruckanddrivingdownthestreet.

Theminuteheturnsthecorner,Ilayflatonthegroundonthesideoftheroad,lettingthecold

cementcoolmyflushedbody.

MaybeCharliewasrightaboutfirsts,becauseifthisishowIreacttoahugfromMack,Ican’t

imaginewhatmyresponsewouldbeifIweretohavesexwithhim.Andinthatmoment,Iknowthat
whateverhappensbetweenusisgoingtoabsolutelywreckme.

ChapterThree

WhenIwanderintotheapartment,IfindCharliestillsplayedonthecouch,readingandsnuggled

underablanket.Withoutaword,Icrawlontothecouchwithher,sneakingmybodybetweenherarms
andwrappingmyselfaroundher,myheadintentionallyblockingherfromseeingherbook.

Shefoldsdownthecornerofthepageandlaysthebookonthecoffeetable,thenwrapsherarms

aroundme.Wejuststaytherequietlyforamoment.Iknowsheknowssomethingiscoming.Ican’t
rememberthelasttimeIdidthis.

“So,”shestarts,breakingthesilence,“thatgoodhuh?”

Iletoutanoisethatsoundslikeaterrifyingcrossbetweenanawkwardlaughandan

uncomfortablegroan.IletmyeyesfixateontheTV,whichisonmuteandsettoESPN.

“Yeah,”Iwhisper.

“Well,mydear,it’sabouttimesomeoneknockedyouonyourass,”shesayswithalittlegiggle.

“God,Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyoulikethis.”

“I’veneverfeltlikethis,”Irespond.“Iswear,Charlie.Ican’tevendescribetoyouwhatthisday

feltlike.Wejustlaughedandtalkedand…god,he’sjustsogreat.Ijustreallylikehim.No,Idon’tjust
likehim.Ilikehim,likehim.”

ShepushesonmyfaceuntilmyheadtiltsupandI’mlookingather.

“Youlikehim,likehim?Jesus,RJ.Howoldareyou?”ThenshepushesmeoffherandIland

unceremoniouslywithathumponthefloor.

Andourtendermomentisover.

Charliehopsupandstandsonthecouch.

“MackandRJsittinginatree,”shestarts.

“Charlie,comeon!”

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

“Quitit!”Ibark,remaininginalumpontheground,tossingmyarmovermyeyessoIcan’tsee

hermockingme.

“Firstcomeslove,thencomesmarriage,thencomesababyinthebabycarriage.”

“Alright,you’vehadyourfun.”Istandandshootherascathinglookintendedtowitherherinto

theground.Shejustlaughs.ApparentlyIneedtoworkonmyscathingface.“I’mgoingtostudyfor
mypsychtest.”

“Wouldyouratherstudy,ordosomethingmoreproductivelikestalkyournewlovetoyonline?”

“That’syourM.O.,Charlie,notmine.”Ipause.“AndIdon’tevenknowMack’slastname.I

couldn’tstalkhimevenifIwassomecreeperlikeyou.”

“Youdon’tknowhislastname?”shesays,herfacecontortingwithconfusion.“Whatifhe’slike,

anescapedconvict?Orarapist?OraRepublican?”

Irollmyeyes.“Gladtoknowyouthinkallofthosebelonginthesamesentence.”

“Butseriously,howdoyounotknowhislastname?”

“Itnevercameup,”Isaywithashrug.

Shesitsbackdownonthecouch.

“Howoldishe?”

“Uhm,he’slikeearlytwenties.Ithink.”

“Wheredoeshework?”

“Wedidn’tgettothat.”

“RJ!”

“What!?”

ShecrossesherarmsandhitsmewithaconcernedlookthatIconsidertobecompletely

unnecessary.

“Didyouguysjustmakeoutinthebedofhistruckthewholeday?Howdoyounotknowanyof

thosethings?It’slike,FirstDate101.Yougethislastnametostalkhimonline.Yougethisageto
makesureheisn’toldenoughtobeaSugarDaddy.Andyoufindoutwhereheworkssoyouknowhe
isn’tamoochwhowantsaSugarMama.Youdon’tknowanythingabouthim!”

“Hipot,I’mkettle.Letsturnthisaroundforasecondandaskwhichoneofusismoreatrisk

herebynotknowingthisinformationaftermeetingaguy.Me,whogoesonadatewiththeguy?Or
you,whogoesdownontheguy?”

“Hey!”Charlie’sfaceisn’tpleased,butIcantellsheisn’tmadaboutwhatIsaid,justthefactthatI

wonthepointsfromthatargument.

“Youdon’tgettomakeabunchofjudgmentsbecauseIdidn’tgettheinformationyousuddenly

thinkisimportant.HeknowsJeremy.ThelikelihoodofMackhavingasordidpastoflootinggas
stationsisfairlylow.”

Sheglaresatme.Ithrowmyhandsupintheairinresignationandfrustration.

“Wejusthadafunday!Weplayedmini-golfandracedgo-kartsandateIn-N-Out.Imethissister

andhisniece.”IpausetothinkifIpickedupanyothertidbits.“HegrewupinIndiana.”Iadd.

“Hemustbeoneamazingmake-outbuddyforyoutogetallgoogleyoverhimwhenyoudon’t

knowanyofthethingsthatyouusuallywanttoknowaboutaguy.”

“I’mnotallgoogleyoverhim.Andwehaven’tevenkissedyet,”Iretort,thenavoidherwideeyes

andwalkintothekitchentograbawater.

“Excuseme?”Iheartheslapsofherfootstepsonthefloorbehindme,whichisactuallyreally

impressive,consideringit’scarpet.“Youcameinheretwentyminutesagopracticallyshitting
butterfliesandunicornsandmarshmallows.”Irollmyeyesagain–apparently,Idothatalot.“And
youhaven’tevenkissedyet?”

“Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Charlie?First,you’reupsetthatIdidn’tgettoknowmore

information.Andnow,you’reupsetbecauseIdidn’tgetphysicalenough?Makeupyourmind.”

“Iwantyoutotellmewhathappenedtoday,”shereplies.“Howcanyougetthrough,”sheglances

atherphone,“almostfourhoursofadatewithouttouchingonthefundamentals?”

Islapmyhandonthecounterinfrustration.

“Whydoesthisfeellikeafight?Ijustlikehim.Wehadagreattime.Ilaughedreallyhard.He

laughedreallyhard.Wewerejustsillyandhadfunandtheconversationwaseasy.Hemakesmefeel
like…”Isigh.“HemakesmefeellikeI’mnotbroken.”

Herfacefalls,andIthinkit’satthatmomentsherealizesshemayhavepushedtoofarinregards

tothefirstguyI’vereallygushedtoherabout.

“That’sbecauseyou’renotbroken.”

Shewalkstowardsmeandwrapsherarmsaroundmyshoulders,linkingherfingersbehindmy

neckandkeepingmeatarms-lengthsoshecanlookatmyface.

“Youcan’tletwhatahandfulofpeoplehavesaidinyourpastimpactyourabilitytohavea

relationshipnow.You’renotbroken,Rachel.Cartercheatingonyoudoesn’tmakeyoubroken.Your

dadbeingacompletelyuselessbagofshitandpouringthatoutonhiskidsdoesn’tmakeyoubroken.
Itmakesthembroken.”

I’veneverbeencomfortablewiththesekindsofconversations.Ifeelawkward.LikeI’mbegging

forcompliments.

“ThanksCharlie,”Isay,kissingheronthecheek.“I’mgonnagostudyformytest.”

Shesqueezesmyshoulders,thenletsherarmsfall.Sheknowsme.SheknowsIneedtobeby

myselfafteranymentionofCarter.Ormydad.Definitelywhenbotharementionedatonce.

“I’mheadingouttonight,”shesaystomybackasIbeginclimbingthestairstomyroom.“You

wannaskipstudyingandjoinme?RichieandCorbinwillbethere.”RichieandCorbinlivednext
doortousfreshmanyear.CharlieismuchcloserwiththemthanIam,butIwouldstillconsiderthem
tobetwoofmyclosestfriends.

“Nah.I’vegottagetthisgradeuporIwon’tbeabletokeepmyscholarshipnextsemester,”I

reply,turningtogiveherasmile.“Buthavefun.AndtelltheguysImissthem.”

Andwiththat,Iclosemyselfintomyroomandcrackmytextbook,eventhoughIknowIwon’t

retainanythingI’mabouttoread.

*****

Beepingfrommyphoneatnearly10pmdrawsmyeyesfrommynotes.Myfacebreaksintoa

smilewhenIseeatextfromMack.

Mack:I’mdaydreamingaboutthatburger

Me:Youshouldbe.In-N-Outburgersarethetits

Mack:Didyoujustsaytits?

Me:Youknowyoucanstillseethemessageonyourphoneafteryou’vereadit,right?It’snot
likeitdisappears

Mack:Nope.Notonmyphone.Theminuteyoureadsomethingitgoesaway.Intothevoidof
messaging

Me:Yeaaaaaaaaa,that’snotarealthing

Mack:Youdon’tknow

Me:IthinkIdo,actually

Mack:ANYWAY.I’vebeenthinkingaboutournextdate

IleavemydeskandwanderdowntothelivingroomtofliponSportsCenter.

Me:Oh?

Mack:Yeah.I’mthinkingChuck-E-Cheese

Me:Onlyifyoupromisenottoloseyourdiaperintheballpit

Mack:Badexperience?

Me:AkidIwasbabysittingwhenIwasinhighschool.ThatwasNOTagooddayforme

Mack:Soundsprettyglamorous

Me:Storyofmylife.

Aboutfiveminutesgoesbybeforeanythingelsecomesthrough.Myeyesglazeoverthe

television,whichcurrentlysitsonmute.SomeassholethatplayscollegefootballinTexasiscausing
astir.Ilovethosestories.

Mack:Iwantedtokissyousobadtoday

MybreathcatchesandIimmediatelybegintochewonmyfingernails.I’munsurehowto

respond.DoImakeajoke?Isthisoneofthosemoments?IcantellhimIwouldn’thavewantedhis
burger-yonionbreathinmyface.

Eventhoughit’saboldfacedlie.

Ihitthesleepbuttononthetopofmyphoneandwatchthescreengoblack,staringatitfora

momentandallowingeverythinginmymindthechancetojumblearounduntilthepiecesfallina
waythatmakessense.

Ilikethathesaidthattome,bothinthetextandearliertoday.ButIdon’tknowwhattosayback.

What’sanormalresponsetosomeonesayingtheywanttokissyou?

Whenhesaiditearliertodaywhenhedroppedmeoff,Istoodlikeastatueuntilhehuggedme

andIwasabletoshowhimwithmyreturnembracethatIwasfeelingthemomenttoo.But,Idon’t
havetheluxuryofallowinghimtoreadmybodylanguage.IfIdon’trespondtohistext,maybehe’ll
thinkIdon’twanthimtokissme.ButifItellhimhowIreallyfeel…

What?WhatwillhappenifItellhimhowIreallyfeel?

Nothing.

Well,that’snottrue.Imightdieofembarrassment.

Butapartfromthat,nothing.

Me:Iwantedyoutokissme,too

Iwaitforaresponse,butmyphonestaysdark.Iflipthroughthechannels,notevensurewhat

showsareon.Igointothekitchenandgetaglassofwater.Istandattheisland,snackingon
strawberries.Fifteenminutesgobyandnothing.

Whenmyphoneringssuddenly,I’msosurprisedIdropitontheground.I’mimmediately

gratefulformyphonecaseandscreenprotector.

“Hello?”

“Whyareyouallshortofbreath?Wereyouonajogorsomething?”

MyheartdropsatCharlie’svoice.

“No,Iwasjustglaringatmyphone,willingMacktocallmewithmyvoodoopowers.”

Shelaughs.“Girl,youhavegotitbad.Hedroppedyouofffivehoursago.”

“Iknow.Ifeelridiculous.”

“It’snotridiculous,RJ.Youhaveacrush.Iusedtobeconcernedwhenyoudidn’treactthisway.”

Iletoutahuff.

“Whatever.Let’snottalkaboutallofthestrangethingsthatmakemespecial.WhatcanIdofor

you?”

“Ijustwantedtomakesureyouweren’twallowinginself-pity,soitsoundslikeIcalledatjust

therighttime.”HervoiceisbrightandhappyandIregretstayingathomebymyselftopretendto
study.“Anychanceyouwanttogiveyourpsychtestthemiddlefingerandheadouttomeetusat
O’Reilly’s?Iknowyoudidn’tactuallygetanystudyingdonetonight.”

Ilookatmywatch.IfIleaveimmediatelyIcanbethereinfifteenminutes,enjoysometimewith

myfriends,andtakemymindoffthefactthatMackhasn’ttextedmeback.

“Yeah,okay.”

Ihearawhoopontheotherendofthephone,followedbyRichie’svoiceinthebackground,

shouting“Getyourfineassdownhere,sweetthing!”Ican’thelpthelaughthatescapesme.

Afterendingthecall,Ipullmyhairintoaponytail,grabmywalletandkeysofftheentrytable,

andpullmyfavoritegrayGlendaleCollegesweaterfromthecloset.I’mtuggingitovermyhead
whenIopenthedoorandcomeface-to-facewithMack,hishandpoisedtoknock.

Istopmoving.

IthinkInearlystopbreathing.

Yup,Ijusthadtoremindmyselftoinhale.

“Hi,”hesays.

“Hey.”I’mtryingtosoundunaffectedbyhissuddenpresence,butI’mprettysurethesudden

poundingofmyheartinmychestmademyvoicewaver.Hejuststandstherelookingatme.“What
areyoudoinghere?”

“IwasdrivingaroundtoclearmyheadwhenIgotyourtext.AndIjust…drovehere.”

Atthementionofmytext,mymomentofvulnerabilityfeelsfoolish.MyfaceflushesandI’m

embarrassedatthefactItoldhimIwantedhimtokissme.IwanttotellhimIdidn’tmeanit.Iwantto
tellhimthatarobberstolemyphoneorIwasdrunkorsomething.ThismightbethefirsttimeI
actuallywishIdrankalcohol.ButIdon’tsayanything.Ijuststarebackathim.Becausesayinganyof
thosethingswouldbelyingtohim.AndIlikethatwesaystrangeandveryhonestthingstoeachother.

“I’mheadingtomeetsomefriendsatO’Reilly’s,”Ifinallyoffer,asIclosethedoorbehindme.

“Doyouwanttocomewith,or…?”Iletmyvoicetrailoffasheshakeshishead‘no’andthentakesa
steptowardsme.He’sinchesawaynow.IcouldreachoutandtouchhimifIwanted.AndohdoIwant
to.Iwanttowrapmyarmsaroundhimandlethimhugmelikehedidearlier.

Hereacheshishandtomeandplaceshishandonthebackofmyneckandtraceshisthumbalong

myjaw,likehedidatthemini-golfcourse.Hiseyesdroptomylipsandhestares.Hejuststaresat
themwithsuchintensityandfocusIbegintowonderifhe’stryingtoreadmyemotioninthecreases
inmyskin.Ifhecould,mybodywouldbeshoutingathim.Kissme,kissme.Pleasekissme.

Andthenhedoes.

Hepresseshislipsagainstmine.Softly.Delicately.Likemylipsarefragileandhedoesn’twant

tobreakthem.Hekissesmytoplip,suckingonitlightly.Thenhekissesthecornerofmymouth,and
thesideofmyjaw,andmyneck.HismouthopensagainstmeandIfeelhistongueonmyskin.A
moanescapesfromdeepinmychest.

Suddenlyeverythingmovesfromslowandlanguidtofullspeed.He’sbackatmylips,andour

mouthspart,ourtonguesseekingentrance.Hishandisstillbehindmyhead,hisfingersgrippingmy
hair,hisotherhandatmylowerback.Hepullsmeagainsthim.Icanfeeljusthowmuchhe’senjoying
thiskiss,butIknowthereisnowayhecouldpossiblybefeelingasriotousandrecklessasIdo.

Isnakemyarmsaroundhisneck,lettingmyfingerstangleinhishairasourkissdeepens.When

Itugslightly,hemoansintomymouth,andhishandatmylowerbackdropslowertomyassandhe
squeezes.Hetakesastepintome,andwithnowheretogo,Ifindmyselfbackedupagainstthedoor.
Hepresseshimselfagainstmeandmystomachmusclesclench.Wearenothingbutapileofmoans
andkissesandtonguesandheavybreaths.

Ifeelsomethingbrewinginside.I’veneverbeenkissedlikethis,likemynextbreathcanonly

comefromthisconnection,likeifwepulledapartsomethinginsideofmysoulwouldtearintwo.
Thisonekissputsallofmyotheryouthfulfumblingstoshame.

Ourhandsareeverywhere.Onshouldersandarms,grippingskinandclothing,pullingand

tuggingtogetourbodiescloser,closer,somuchcloser.Wearefusedtogether,mybodysoftand
pliant,hisbodyhardandfirm.Hegripsmythighandliftsmylegjustslightly,pressingintomewitha
rollthathasthespaceinmylowerbellytighteningandshiversskitteringthroughmybody.

Icanbarelybreatheandsuckinalongbreaththroughmynoseandinhalehiswarmth.Hisscent

isfamiliar.Comforting.IbreathehiminasdeepasIcan,totryandimprinttheessenceofwhoheis
intomyveins,burrowingthatcomfortintotheliningofmylungs.

Andjustasquicklyasthekissbecamefrantic,Icanfeelitslowingdown.Heleansfurtherinto

metokissmyneck,andthenmyjaw,andthenthecornerofmymouth,beforekissingmeonemore
timeonthelips.Softly.Delicately.Ourforeheadsarerestingagainsteachother.Oureyesourclosed.
Ourbreathingragged.

“Wow,”Iwhisper,surethattherehasneverbeenabiggerunderstatement.

“Wowisn’tenough,”hewhispersback,bringingwordstomyunspokenthoughts.

IsmileasItrytocatchmybreath.

“So,whatnow?”

Hepullshisforeheadawayandlooksmeintheeyes.

“Now,Iheadhomeandtakeacoldshower,andtrytothinkofanamazingseconddatetoknock

yoursocksoff.”

Ilaugh,takinghishandfromwhereitstillrestsonmyshoulderandinterlockingmyfingers

withhis.“Tryingtogetintomysocksalready,huh?Iknewyouwereonlyafteronething.”

Hetugsonmyhandandwrapshisfreearmaroundme,snugglingmeinforaquickhuganda

kissatthecrownofmyhead.Thenhe’sreleasingmyhandandtakingastepback.Hissmileissmall
butgenuine.Ican’thelpbutreturnitwithmyown.

“I’llhearfromyousoon?”Isay,asIopenthedoortoheadbackintomyapartment.

“Countonit.You’renotgoingoutanymore?”

“Noneed,”Isay,shakingmyhead.Helooksatmeinconfusion,soItrythehonestyroutesince

itworkedsowelllasttime.“Iwasgoingouttodistractmyselffromthinkingaboutyou.Now,Iknow
anyattemptsatthattonightwillbeacompletefailure.”

Hisfacebreaksoutintothatbreathtakingsmileofhis,noddinghisheadinunderstanding.

“Okaythen.Night,RJ.”

“Night,Indy,”Isaywithawink.

Iclosethedoortothesoundofhislightchuckle,walkstraightuptomyroomandcollapseon

mybed.It’sthesecondtimeinjustafewhoursthatinteractingwiththatmanhasmademewanttolay
downandreplayeveryword,everytouch.Myfingersgrazeovermylips,stillslightlyswollenfrom
beingthoroughlykissed.AndthenI’mlaughing,andlaughing,andhuggingmyarcadeteddybearto
mychest.

*****

ThroughmostofSunday,Irideahighonlyamind-blowingkisscangive,plowingthroughmy

homeworkwithlightningspeedandgettingmylaundryandgroceryshoppingdoneinjustafew
hours.Irideituntilmid-eveningwhenIgetatextfromPiper.

Piper:DidyouhearthenewsaboutCoachWalker?!

Me:No.What’sgoingon?

Piper:ShegotpickedupbyWashington.Sheflewuptodayandstartswiththeirteam
tomorrow.

Myheartplummetsandshockrollsthroughmybody.IloveCoachWalker.Isshereallyleaving

ustocontractwithanotherteammid-season?Isthatevenallowed?IthoughttheNCAAhadrules
aboutthisorsomething.Don’tgetmewrong,CoachJohnsonisgreat.Buthe’stheAssistantCoach
andthisishisfirstcollege-leveljob.Canhereallymanageourteamthisclosetoplayoffs?

Piper:CoachJohnsonisbringinginsomeoneelsetoco-coachfortherestoftheseason

Me:Areyouserious?!Doyouknowwhothenewcoachis?

Piper:Haven’theardanything

Me:Letmeknowifyoudo

Igripmyphoneinmyhand.Howcanthisbehappening?Imean,IknowI’mnotpromaterial

likeJeremy.Buttherearesomegirlsontheteamwhodohavewhatittakes,andmakingittoplayoffs
ishelpfulforexposuretoscouts.Anewcoachwilldisrupteverythingwehavegoingforussofar.

AndIcan’thelpbutfeelthetinystingofrejection.CoachWalkerrecruitedme.I’vebeenwith

hersinceIstartedplayingatGlendalefreshmanyear.She’soneoftheonlypeopleherethatknows
aboutmyhomelife.Shereallygetswhyplayingissoimportanttome,apartfromjustthe
scholarship.Andshealwaystookthetimetocheckinwithmeonapersonallevel.Shewasn’tjusta
coach.Shewasamentor.Afriend.

Andnow…she’sjust,gone?Nogoodbye?Noexplanation?

ItrytodistractmyselfbyflippingthroughabookItoldmyselfIwouldreadforpleasurebut

nevergotaroundtoopening.Isettleonreadingthefirstparagraphofeachchapterandthenreading
thefinalpageofthebook.Mucheasierthanwastingmytimeonallthedrama,butsurprisingly
unsatisfying.

AnhourpassesbeforeIhearfromPiperagain,andwhenIhearmyphonebeep,Charliestartles

nexttomewithhowIlungeatthetabletograbit.

Piper:OkayIjustheardfromRuth-Ann.Wewon’tknowwhothecoachisuntiltomorrow.
They’restillnarrowingitdowntonightandhavetosignsomeone

Me:Doyouthinkthey’llbeatpracticeinthemorning?

Piper:Maybe.IfCoachJandtheADcangeteverythingsquaredawaybythen

Me:Thisisridiculous.HowcanshetalktousaboutourstrategyfortheseasonYESTERDAY
andthenquittoday?

Piper:Iknow.Ihopesheenjoystheweather

Ilaugh.CoachWalkerhatestherain.Butjustasquickly,Ifeelbadforfeelingillwilltowards

her.Asfrustratingasthisis,Iguessyouhavetotakethenextstepforyouwhenitcomesalong.Not
everythingcanwaitforconvenienttiming.

Itrytorelaxtherestoftheevening,butIenduptakingtoolongofajog,toohotofashower,

andgetverylittlesleep.Mybodyisrestless.Mymindisrestless.AndwhenIdragmyselfoutofbed
onMondaymorningtogetreadyforpractice,IfeellikeIhaveahangover.Oratleast,whatIassume
ahangoverwouldfeellike.

Anemailsenttotheteamat3:30thismorningfromCoachJohnsonclarifiedthatwewouldbe

meetingtogetherintheathleticofficesto‘discussCoachWalker ’sdepartureandthenewdirection
forourteam.’

Theonlythingthatalleviatesmynervesaboutourmeetingthismorningisthetextthatpopsup

onmyphoneasI’mheadingoutthedoor,eatingmypre-practicebanana:

Mack:Morningbeautiful.Iwasthinkingaboutourseconddate.I’mputtingthekiboshon
Chuck-E-Cheese.HowdoyoufeelabouttheAtwaterHighSchoolfootballgameonFriday
night?

Me:OnlyifyouguaranteemeanunlimitedsupplyofM&Msandpopcorn

Mack:Wellobviously

Me:Okaythencountmein

Mack:Great.Imighteventrytosneakyoubehindthebleachersforafewminutes

Me:OhIndy,youtryingtoputyoursweetpre-pubescentmovesonme?

Mack:Perhaps

Me:Wellwehavetobecareful.Idon’twantanyrumorsaboutusimpactingmybidforProm
Queen

Mack:Noworriesthere,sweetheart

MyheartsoarsasIdrivetopractice.I’mpullingintotheparkinglotattheschoolwhenhislast

textcomesthrough:

Mack:HeadingintoanimportantmeetingsoIwon’tbeabletochatmuchtoday.ButI’llcall
tonighttohashoutdetailsforFriday?

Me:Can’twait

Mack:Meneither;)

Ismileandcloseoutthescreen,thenchuckmyphoneintomyduffleandpracticallyfloatacross

theparkinglotandintothebuilding,allowingmyexcitementtowashovermeforafewminutes.

WhenIreachthefourthfloor,myexcitementisreplacedwithtrepidation.Ifindmostofour

teaminthesmallbanquetroomjustofftheentryway.Thechairshaveallbeenlinedupinrowstoface
thefront,whereI’massumingCoachJohnsonwillbeintroducingournewcoach.Idropdownina
chairnexttoPiperandnoticethateveryoneiswhisperinganimatedlyinlittlegroups.

“What’sthedeal?”IaskPiper,elbowingherlightlyonthearmtogetherattention.

“Wefoundoutwhothenewcoachis!”sherepliesinasing-songvoice,andIcantellthatshe

wantsmetoplaytheguessinggame.NormallyIwouldappeaseher,butmynervesareoffthecharts
andIamdefinitelynotinthemood.

“And?”

BeforePipercansayanything,Ruth-Annleansoverherandquicklywhispers,“AndyMcIntosh!”

Myjawdrops,myeyesgoingwide.

“Seriously?”

Ruth-AnnandPipernodvigorously,hugesmilesontheirfaces.

AndyMcIntosh.

Idefinitelyknewhim.Well,knewabouthim.Ifmemoryserves,hewasrankedthenumberone

NCAAsoccerplayerinthecountryaboutfiveyearsago,gotdraftedhisjunioryeartoplayforthe
ChicagoFire,andthenshothisentirecareertohellwhenhegotintoacarwithadrunkdriverand
rippedaparthisbody.Ithinktherumorwasthathewasparalyzedinthataccident,though,soIam
blownawaybythenews.

“Howishegoingtobeourcoach?Canheevenplayanymore?”Ilookbackandforthbetween

themandlowermyvoice.“Canheevenwalk?”

“Don’tyouknowthestory?”Ruth-Annasks.WhenIshakemyheadshelaunchesrightinwiththe

littlesnippetssheremembers.Hewaspartyingwithabunchofguysfromcollegewhocametovisit
him.Whentheylefttheparty,therewasalotoficeontheroad,andthedriver,whowastotally
plastered,lostcontrolofthecarandplowedintoafreewayoverpass.Ahandfulofcarscrashedin
behindthem,includingamotherofthreewhowasparalyzed.OneofAndy’slegswascrushedinto
dust,andjustlikethathiscareerwasover.

“Doyouknowwhathappenedafterwards?”

Ruth-Annshakesherhead.

“ItriedgooglinghimwhenIfoundoutthismorningbutallIcouldfindwerethesamearticles

aboutthecrashandhisreleasefromChicago,andthenabunchofrecentplayboystuff.”

“Andhisfineasspicture,”Piperadds,fanningherselfdramatically.“Thatmanfelloutofthe

sexybeasttreeandhiteveryfuckingbranchonthewaydown.Sexy.Ass.Beast.IswearI’venever
seensomeonesoridiculouslygoodlooking.”

Igiggleandrollmyeyes.

“Soishegonnabeheretoday?”

Ruth-Annshrugs.

“I’massumingso.Whyelsewouldwebemeetinghere?Weprobablyaren’tgoingtogetinany

realpracticetimethismorning,whichistheexactoppositeofwhatweneed.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“IjustmeanthatbeforeItransferredfromVandy,wegotanewcoachandshewantedtodo

individualmeetingswithusonherfirstday.Theywereatotalwasteoftimeandweresupposedtoset
usateaseabouttheteam.”Ruth-Annrollshereyesandbeginspickingdirtoutfromunderher

fingernails.“Youknowwhatwouldsetusatease?Gettingonthefieldandseeingthatthingsaren’t
shottohellbecauseCoachWalkerdidarunner.”

“Seriously,”Igrumble,thensitbackinmychairandrestanankleonmyknee.

Justthen,thedooropensbehindus.Everyvoiceintheroomfallssilentasallthirtyofusturnto

lookattheformersoccerstarfollowingCoachJohnsonintotheroom.Andwhenmyeyesfindhim,I
feeltheairwhooshoutofmylungs.

AndyMcIntosh.

Myeyesblinkrapidly,tryingtowillawaythefaceofthemaninfrontofus.Butitdoesnogood.

I’mstillleftlookingintothefaceofthemanwhohasoccupiedmythoughtssothoroughlyoverthe
pastfewdays.

Mack.

“Youokay?”Piperwhispers.“Youlooksuperpaleallofasudden.”

Ijustnodandslumpdownlowerinmychair.Maybeifhedoesn’tseeme…

Butthereisn’tanywherethatthoughtcango.BecauseIalreadyknowhe’llseeme…hehastosee

me.Andwhenhedoes,IwillbreakapartwhenIseethelookinhiseyesthatmeanswhateverwe
sharedovertheweekendisover.Howisthispossible?

“Alrightladies,”IhearCoachJohnsonstartspeaking,butmyeyesaretrainedonMack.“Iknow

mostofyouareawarethatCoachWalkergotajobatWashingtonandleftovertheweekend.The
AthleticDirectorandIhavebeenworkingtirelesslyoverthepasttwentyfourhourstofindsomeone
tojoinourhumbleteamasaninterimheadcoachfortheremainderoftheseason.Iamexcitedto
introduceyoualltothemanwhowillbesteppingintothatrole.Pleasewelcomeyourinterimhead
coach,AndrewMcIntosh.”

Alightapplauseandasmatteringofgiggles.Ilookaroundsuddenlyandnoticemyteammates

eyeingMackwithvariousshadesofflirtation,appreciation,anddownrightlust.Iglancebackupat
thefrontatMack,standingcomfortablyinhistrackpantsandGlendaleSoccershirt,athickblack
bandaroundhiswristandawhistlehangingfromhisneck.

He’sgrippingaclipboardtohischest,posinghisarmsinapositiontoshowoffhisflexing

muscles.HiseyesaretrainedonCoachJohnson,whoiscontinuingtotalk,althoughwhatI’mhearing
fallsmoreinlinewiththeadultsinCharlieBrown.Waah,waahwaaaaah,waaahwaaah.

WhenIfinallysnapoutofit,Irealizeit’sbecauseMackhasstartedtalking,hisrichvoicecutting

throughtheroom.

“…excitedtobehere.I’vebeenlookingforanopportunitytogetbackintothegame,andthink

workingatGlendaleisgoingtobeanexcellentchancetochallengewhatyouthinkyouknowabout
yourself,bothonandoffthefield.CoachWalkerandCoachJohnsonhavedoneanexcellentjobin
movingthisteaminagreatdirection,andIamlookingforwardtothechancetohelpyouallcontinue
yourplayoffhopes.”Hiseyesareglancingaroundtheroom,andasIseethemflittowardsme,Ibend
overandgrabmywaterbottlefrommybag.Ican’tlethimseeme.

Notyet.

IneedtobracemyselfforthelookIknowI’llgetwhenheseesme.Ijustneedafewmore

minutestoprepare.Justafewmore.

Whenmyheadpopsbackup,he’stalkingaboutmeetingwithusindividually.Hestartsatthe

beginningofthealphabetandthenheadsoutthedoorwithmidfielderGinaBrown.Whenshegetsto
thedoor,sheturnsbackandlooksattheothermidfieldersandgivesthemaquickup-and-downwith
hereyebrowsandbitesherfingernailbeforesashayingoutoftheroomafterhim.

Theslut.

Assoonaseveryonestartstalkingagain,I’mpullingmyphoneoutofmyduffleandGoogling

AndrewMcIntosh.I’mprettysuremybrotherhastalkedabouthimbeforebutIcan’tplacethe

memory.WhenIpulluphisbioonlineandhissoccerhistoryisdisplayedonmyphone,Iseewhy.

MackandJeremywereinvitedtothesameU-18NationalTeamcampwhentheywereinhigh

school.IclickquicklytoJeremy’sFaceBookpage.HeandMackdefinitelyknoweachother,andthere
areatleastadozenphotosofthemtogetheroverthepastfewyears,lookingprettyfriendly,likemore
thanjustacquaintances.

Howhasthisneverbeenonmyradar?WhydiditneveroccurtomethatJeremyandMackwere

friends?ImethimatJer ’sparty.

IclicktoMack’sFaceBookpageandbeginlookingthroughhispictures.Hisprofilepictureisa

shotofhimandsweetlittleAnna,buthehasuber-intenseprivacysettings.Thehandfulofvisible
photosareofhimandhissister,amanIamassumingisAmy’shusbandKevin,andAnna.

ButwhenIgobacktothepagewhereIsearchedhisname,IseethelinktohisFacebookfan

page.It’sfairlyoutdated,sinceMackhasn’tbeeninthespotlightmuch,atleasttomyknowledge,in
thepastfewyears.ButwhenIclickonphotos,IfeellikeI’mlookingatacompletelydifferentMack.

Idon’tevenbotherstudyingtheimagesasIscrollthroughphotoafterphotoofMackanda

gaggleofgirls.Ican’thelpbutnoticethatthemajorityofgirlslooklikethestripperwannabesfrom
Jer ’sparty.IfeellikeI’mlookingatabangbook,wherehisconquestsuploadphotosoncethey’d
gottenwhattheywanted.

Helooksdifferent,too.Rougher.Darker.Hiseyesarealwayshoodedandbrooding,hisface

remaininginthatsamelifelessexpressionwithnohintofhappinessorsmile.

AndthenIgettophotosIcantellareofMackpre-accident.Whenhiscareerwasstillbrightin

frontofhim.Whenhisfuturestillhadpromise.Whenhewasn’tstuckwatchinghisteammatesplay
fromthesidelines.Before.Hiseyeslightandexcited,hissmilepresentineveryphoto.

SuddenlyitoccurstomethatJeremymustknowaboutthejob.ButdoesheknowthatMackasked

meout?Iquicklyfireoffatexttohim.

Me:DidyouhearthatAndyMcIntoshisournewcoach?

Jeremy:Hegotthejob?Sweet!He’sgreat,Rach.You’regonnalovehim

Me:Whatdoesthatmean?Didyouknowhewasapplying?

Jeremy:Hedidn’tapply.IrecommendedhimtoCoachJ

Me:Ididn’trealizeacoachcouldgethiredonjustarecommendation

Jeremy:Ya.CoachJlovesme

IforgotthatCoachJohnsonplayedontheGlendaleteamwithJeremy.Itwouldmakesensefor

himtotakeJer ’srecommendationsoseriously.

Jeremy:WestillonforMMtonight?

MexicanMondays.Ourtradition.WhenIwasafreshmanincollege,wemetatthequadfor

lunch.OnceJeremywentpro,heturneditintoMexicanMondaysandanopportunitytotreatmypoor
asstodinner.Evenwithallofthecrazinessofhislifeasapro-athlete,hestilltriesreallyhardtobe
availableeveryMondayifheisn’ttravelingsowecancatchupandbitchandmoanabouthowterrible
hisfabulouslifeis.

Me:Absolutely.Seeyouthere

Ispendthenexthourstaringoutthewindowoftheconferenceroom,andhalf-heartedlylistening

toPiperandRuth-AnngossipingaboutMackbeforemovingontotalkaboutothermaleproplayers
theythinkare‘totallyhot’.

WhenIfinallyhearCoachJohnsoncallmyname,mystomachdrops.Istandupslowlyandhead

outofthebanquetroom,thendownthehalltoCoachWalker ’soldoffice.Mack’snewoffice.

Hisoffice.

Wherehewillworkfromasmycoach.

Theopendoorattheendofthehallloomsinfrontofme,andIfeellikeI’mmovinginslow

motionasapartofsomehorribleHallmarkmovie.WhenIfinallyreachthedoorandtakeastepin,
Macklooksupfromhisclipboard,wherehe’stakingnotes.Theprofessionalsmileonhisface
quicklyshifts,withsomethingalittlemoreheatedpassingthroughhiseyes.Istandimmobileatthe
door,soakingthatlookinforthelasttime.

Hestands,cockinghisheadalittletotheside.“RJ,whatareyou…”buthestopstalkingwhenI

shakemyheadquickly.

CoachJohnsonisbehindme,standingatthedoorwithasmileonhisface.

“Alright,Coach.Thisisourstartinggoalkeeper,RachelJameson.I’llleaveyoutoitandbeback

withDesireeinafew.”Andthenheclosesthedoor,leavingMackandItostandandstareateach
other.

Thiscan’tbehappening.Imean,logically,Iknowit’shappening.Icanseeithappening.Iknow

thatthemanwhowasatmydooronSaturdaynightisthesamemaninfrontofme.Butatthesame
time,Idon’twanttoletmyselfbelieveit.BecauseifIdo,thatmeansthattheuniverseisactively
workingagainstmyhappiness.

Mackcloseshiseyesandsqueezesthebridgeofhisnose.Withoutlookingatme,hesays,

“You’reJeremy’slittlesister.”

“Yes.”Myvoiceisawhisper.

“You’rethegoalieontheteamI’mcoaching.”

“Yes.”

HeopenshiseyesandthelookofsadnessIseeinthemreflectseverypieceofdisappointment

rattlingaroundinmysoul.Hesitsinhischairandrubshishandsoverhisface.Ifollowsuit,sitting
acrossfromhim,juststaringathim,awarethatthismightbemylastchancetojustlookathim
unabashedlywithoutfeelingself-consciousaboutit.Iwon’tgetthatluxuryagainwithoutfearthat
someonewillseemyfeelingswrittenonmyface.

“RJ,”hestarts.

MyheaddropsandIstareatmyhandsclaspedtightlyinmylap.

“Iknow,”Iwhisper.

AndwhenIlookbackupathim,Iseethelook.ThelookIwasanticipating.

It’sover.

Itdoesn’tsurpriseme.Bothofuscouldgetinserioustroubleiftherewasevenahintthat

somethingwasgoingonbetweenus.

“Howisthishappening?”Iask.

Heshakeshisheadandexhalesaheavybreath,takingaseatbackathisdesk.

“I’vebeentalkingwithJeremyabouttryingtogetbackintothesoccerworld.Hecalledmeafew

weeksago.Toldmehe’dheardwordthatCoachWalkermightbemovingonandacoachingjob
mightcomeopenhere.ThatIshouldheadouttobeavailableforaninterview.”Heshrugs.“I’vebeen

hereaboutthreeweeks.Ididn’tevenknowifitwasgoingtoworkoutuntillastnight.”

“Soit’sJeremy’sfault,”Isaywithasmallsmile.

Helaughs.Asmalllaugh,butit’sstillbetterthanthedesolatelookhewaswearingafewminutes

ago.

“Yeah,Iguessitis.”Hepicksuphispencilandstartstwirlingitinhisfingers.“Sothat’sitthen.”

“Webarelyknoweachother.”Itrytobrushitoff,butevenIcantellthere’snoconvictionbehind

mywords.“Wewentononedate.Thisshouldn’tmatter.”

“You’reright.Itshouldn’t.”

Andthenwestareateachother,eachofussilentlyacknowledgingthefactthatwhateverwas

bloomingbetweenuswouldhavebeensomethingspecial.Somethingmore.Sometimesthelossof
whatmighthavebeencanfeeljustasintenseasthelossofwhatis.We’reintheprocessoflosing
both.

“Wecan’tjustsithereandstareateachother.”Ifinallysaywithasigh.“Treatmeliketheother

girls.Whatquestionsdoyouhaveforme?”

Hiseyesdroptohisclipboard.

“Tellmeaboutyourself.”ButbeforeIcananswerhedrawsalinethroughthequestionandreads

thenextone.“Whatareyourlong-termsoccergoals?”Andthenhescratchesthroughthatoneand
moveson.“Whyareyouapartofthisteam?”

There’sasilenceandIrealizehe’sgoingtoletmerespondbecauseit’sfinallyaquestionhe

doesn’tknowtheanswerto.

“Asyouknow,mybrotherplayssoccer.Healwaysmadeitsoundlikeitwasawaytoescape

fromhislife.SoIjoinedtheteaminhighschoolandIwashooked,justlikehewas.Mydadhadhis
ownideaaboutwhatJeremyandIshoulddowithourfutures,anditdidn’tinvolvesoccer,or
Glendale.IhadtogetascholarshipifIwantedtogotoschool,becausemydadsurewasn’tgoingto
help.Halfofmytuitionisanacademicscholarship,buttheotherhalfiscoveredbyathletics.”

“Soyou’reapartofthisteambecauseitpaysyourway?”

“That’snotwhatIsaid.”

“Thenwhatdidyousay?”

Ipause,tryingtofindtherightwords.

“ThereareafewpeopleinmypastwhohaveintentionallytriedtomakemefeellikeIhadno

value.”IseeMackwinceslightly,andIfocusmyattentionoutthewindowbehindhiminsteadofathis
face.“Itwasimportanttometobeabletoleavethatbehindandcreateabetterlifethanwhatthose
peoplethinkIdeserve.IknewmyonlywaytogetfreewastogotocollegeandIneededsomesortof
scholarship.IwasluckyenoughtofallinlovewithasportwhenIneededit.Itookthatloveand
channeledittolearnandimproveandkickasssothatIcouldgetthatscholarship.AndnowI’musing
thatscholarshiptogetmydegreeandbethepersonIthinkI’mcapableofbeing.”

WhenIfinallylookbackathim,hiseyesareroamingovermyface.“You’regoingtodo

amazingthings,RJ.”

“I’mnotsureaboutamazingthings,”Irespondwithasmallshrug.“ButI’lltrymybesttodo

somethingwithmylifethat’smorethangettingdrunkandruiningotherpeoples’lives.”

Mack’snostrilsflareandhiseyesnarrow.Hisposturehasgonerigid,andIseehimclenching

hisfistaroundhispen.Thenhelooksathiswatch.

“Ourtimeisup,”hesayscurtly,risingfromhischair.

I’mconfusedabouthissuddenlygruffresponseforabriefmomentbeforeithitsme–hethinks

I’mtalkingabouthim,abouthispast.Withoutthecontextofmyfamilyhecouldn’tknowwhatI
meant.

“Mack,Ididn’t…”

“It’sCoachMcIntosh,Rachel.Pleaserememberthatinthefuture.”Hiseyeshaveturnedglacial,

andhe’slookingthroughme,notatme.

“Please,ifyouwouldjustletmeexplainIcan…”

“Idon’tneedanexplanation,Rachel.”

“StopcallingmeRachel!”Ishout.ThenIdropmyvoiceandglareathim.“Sothisishowit’s

gonnabe,huh?Nowthatthere’ssomesortofpowerdynamic,you’regoingtouseitshutmeout
beforelettingmeexplain?Youhaveto…”

“Idon’thavetodoanything,”hecutsmeoffagain.

Igrabmydufflebagoffofthefloorandslingitaroundmybodywithahuff,holdingthestrapat

thefront.IseeMack’seyesdroptomywrist,tothejellybraceletsthatIhaven’ttakenoffsince
Saturday.Hisshouldersdrop.

“Ifyouwouldhaveletmefinish,”Ispitout,“IcouldexplaintoyouthatIwastalkingaboutthe

destructionmydrunkofafatherleftinhiswake.Ithadnothingtodowithyou.”Hiseyesflytomine
andIseetheshockinthem.Mynosepricklesastearsbegintobuildinmyeyes.“Seeyouthis
afternoonatpractice,CoachMcIntosh.”

AndthenI’moutthedoorandrushingdownthehallway.

ChapterFour

“Aren’tyousupposedtobeatpractice?”

IignoreCharlie’squestionandboltpastherupthestairs,slammingthebathroomdoorclosed,

thenstrippingquicklyandsteppingintotheshower.Placingmypalmsflatonthetile,Ileanforward
andletthehotwaterhitmyfaceandcascadedownmybody.Warmwateronthefacehasalwaysbeen
thequickestwaytowardofftears.Ihaven’tallowedmyselftocrysincefreshmanyear,andI’llbe
damnedifIletaguyruinthatrecord.

Fiveminuteslater,Ibarelyhearthesoftknockatthedoor.IknowCharliewantstoaskquestions

andI’mnotreallysureIwanttoanswerthem.Thesoundofthetoiletliddroppingandasoftthunk
indicatesthatshe’stakenupherusualspotandwon’tbeleaving.Ignoringherisn’tgoingtowork.

“He’smycoach,Char,”Ifinallysputterout,thetearsbrimmingeventhoughI’vebeenwilling

themaway.“He’sthenewsoccercoachforGlendale.AndIknow,Iknowthatit’swaytoofast,way
toosoontoletmyheartgetthisemotionallyinvolved.Idon’tletmyheartgetinvolved.I’mnotthis
person.Wewentononedate.Wekissedonetime.ButGod,therewassomethingspecialthere.
Somethingreallyspecial.AndyouknowIdon’tsaysomethinglikethatlightly.Idon’tknowwhatto
dowithmyselfnow.Idon’tknow…”Itakeashudderingbreath.“Idon’tknowifIcangotopractice
everydayandhavehimwatchingmeandcritiquingmeinsomecold,roboticmanner,likewearen’t
anything.Likeitdidn’tmeananything.”

There’ssilence,andIknowCharlie’stryingtoputtogetherherresponse.Forsomeoneasquick

wittedasher,shetakesanawfullylongtimetoformulatearesponsetosomethingimportant.

“Hey,whatdoyou…”Istarttodrawbacktheshowercurtain,andallofthecolordrainsfrom

myfacewhenIdon’tseeCharliesittinginthebathroom.It’sMack.Hisforearmsrestonhisknees,
hishandsclaspedtogether,hiseyestrainedonthefloor.

Islamtheshowercurtainclosed.“Whatthefuck,Mack!Youcan’tbeinhere!Getthehellout!”

“RJ,Ijustwantedto…”

“No!”Ishout,cuttinghimoffmidsentence.“Youdonotgettoshowupatmyhouseandsitin

mybathroomwhileItakeashower.”Ibringmyhandsuptomyfaceandpresstheheelsofmypalms
intomyeyes.“God,IthoughtyouwereCharlie!”Itakeadeepbreath.“Youneedtoleave,now.”

Ihearhimstandandopenthedoor.“I’llbewaitingdownstairswhenyou’redone,”hesays

softly,andthenthedoorclosesbehindhim.

Ican’tevenformulateaphysicaloremotionalresponsetothefactthatMackwasjustsittingin

thebathroomwhileIessentiallypouredmyheartouttohim.Isaidthatstuff.Allofthe…feelings.He
heardthem.Andnowhe’sgoingtowaitdownstairs?IfeellikeI’mwatchingemotionaltabletennis.
Myheadisflyingbackandforth.Anger,sadness,anger,sadness.

Rightnow,itisdefinitelyanger.Iroughlyswitchoffthewaterandripbacktheshowercurtain,

wrapmyselfinatowelandstormoutofthebathroom.Walkingdownthehall,IseeCharliesittingon
thefloorofherroomonthephone.

Herfacepaleswhensheseesmyexpression.“Igottago,”shewhispersintothephone,then

quicklyendsthecall.

“Whatthehellwereyouthinking?”Igrowlatherthroughgrittedteeth.

“Ididn’trealizeyouwereintheshower,RJ.Ithoughtyoujustwentuptoyourroom.Andthen

heshowsupallpuppydogfaceandIthoughthewasheretomakeyoufeelbetter.Itoldhimtohead
up.I’mso,sosorry!”

Ijustglareather,drippingalloverhercarpet.

“Whathappened?”shewhispers.

Myfacefallsandtheemotionaltabletennisisback.Sadnessconsumesme.“He’smynew

coach,”Iwhisper.

Hermouthdrops.WestaythereinsilenceforamomentbeforeIseehermouthsplitintoashit-

eatinggrin.“ThatiswithoutadoubtthesexiestthingIhaveeverheard.”

Mybrowsfurrow.“Excuseme?”

“Ohmygod,RJ.Aforbiddenromance?Allthatangst?It’slikeoneofthosebodiceripping

romancenovelsmymomusedtohideunderherbed.Imagine…you’regonnabeallsexedupand
sweatyafterplayingwithballsforhoursandhe’sgonnabetherewithhisclipboardandwhistleand
hisamazingmuscles.Youcouldsneakofftothelockerroomsforhot,steamy…”

“Charlie!”

“What?Itsoundshot.”

“Youareliterallytheworstrightnow.”

Shefrowns.“Iwasjusttryingtopointoutthepositives.”

“Therearen’tanypositives.Heismycoach.Ifanyonefoundoutweevenwentonadate,Icould

bekickedofftheteam,losemyscholarship,andI’dhavetodropoutofGlendaleandgetajob
workingatHooters.”

“One,thatisincrediblydramatic.Two,youcouldn’tgetajobatHooters.Thequalifications

neededforthatjobareinthename.Sorry,honey.”

Iletoutahuffathernotsosubtlejabatmyunderwhelmingchest.“Thatissonotthepoint.And

I’mnotbeingdramatic.”

Charliejustshrugs,herexpressionnowsympathetic.“Igetthatyou’reinaroughspot.Butyou

shouldatleasttalktohim.Imean,Idoubtthisishowhesawitplayingouteither.”

PartofmethinksCharlie’sright.ButtheotherpartofmeisincrediblyirritatedthatMackcutme

offinhisoffice,spoutinghis‘it’sCoachMcIntosh’tome,butthenthinksthereisn’tanythingwrong
withshowingupatmyhouseandsittinginthebathroomwhileIshower.

Whatahypocrite.

“I’lltalktohim,”Istart,butthenquicklycontinuewhenhereyeslightup,“butdon’tthinkthisis

goingtoendallsunshineandrainbows.Thisisashittysituation.”Charliejustnodsherhead.“Ineed
tothrowonsomeclothes.CanyougodownstairsandlethimknowI’llbedowninaminute?”

“Surething,girl.”Andshe’shoppingoutthedooranddownthestairs.

Itakemytimegettingchanged,takingtheextraefforttoputonmyvanillascentedlotion.AsI’m

poisedtoaddaswoopoflip-gloss,Ilookatmyselfinthemirror.“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”I
muttertomyself,thentossmyglosshaphazardlyonmydresser,unused,andthrowmyhairintoa
hasty,dampknotatthetopofmyhead.

WhenIfinallyheaddowntothelivingroom,IfindCharliesittingalonewatchingTV.“He’s

waitingoutfront,”shesaysaftercatchingmyquestioninglook.

WhenIstepoutside,I’mimmediatelyassaultedbytheincrediblywarmOctobermorning.Just

whenIthinkthingsarestartingtocooldown,LAgetshitwithaheatwave.Eightydegreesat8amis
notmyideaofagoodday.

Mackissittingonourfrontstoop.TheGlendaleSoccershirthe’swearingisstretchedtaught

acrosshisback.Iwanttorunmyhandsacrosshisbackandwrapmyarmsaroundhim.ButIdon’t.He
doesn’tturntolookatme,andIdon’tsitnexttohim.Ijuststand,leaningbackonthefrontdoor.

“Ishouldn’thavegoneintothebathroomwhenIgothere.Itwasinappropriate,”hesays,his

voicesmoothbutprofessional.“WhenIshowedup,yourroommatewasonthephoneandjust
pointedmeupstairs.Butthat’snotreallyanexcuseforwhyImadethedecisiontogoinwhenyou
wereobviouslyshowering.”

“Igetit.Youwantedtotalk.Thelinewaskindofblurryalready.Ifyouweren’tmycoach,who

knowshowthatsituationcouldhavebeendifferent.Itprobablywouldhavemadememorefluttery
thanangry.Butitiswhatitis,Iguess.”

Mackstandsandturnstolookatme,hishandsstuffedinhispockets.“Fluttery?Wheredoyou

comeupwiththesewords?”

Ishrugalittle,lettingmymouthturnupintoasmallsmile,butIfocusmyeyesonhisshoes.“So

whyareyouhere,Mack?”

WhenIfinallygetthenervetolookathim,hishandsareclaspedbehindhishead,pullinghis

shirtuptorevealjustaninchofhistonedstomach.Hiseyesarebrimmingwithanapology,butI’m
notsureIwantit.“Ifit’stoapologizeorsmooththingsover,itisn’tnecessary.”Ilookpasthimtothe
street,lettingthewordsfallfrommymouth,buttheydon’tfeeltrue.“Youdon’towemeanything.”

Hedropshishandsfromhisheadandthencrosseshisarmsacrosshischest.“Ijustwantedto

makesureyouwereokay.Thatwe’reokay.”

“Butwe’renotokayMack.I’mnotokay.”Ikickoffthedoorandtakeafewstepstowardshim.

“You’remycoach.I’myourstudent.Notjustyourathlete.Yourstudent.Ihavelessthanayearleft
beforeIgraduate,andhalfofmyworldrestsonthescholarshipIgetforplayingonthisteam.
Playingforyou.Doyounotseehowthatmakesusnotokay?”

“OfcourseIseeit,”hebarksinfrustration.Heletsoutadeepbreathanddragshishandsupand

downhisface,whichI’mbeginningtorecognizeasasignthathe’stryingtofindtherightwordsto
say.“WhatImeantwas,areyougoingtobeokaytoplay?Areyougoingtobeabletoplaywithme
asyourcoach?”

Igivehimashortnod.Andhenodsback.

“Jeremythinksyoucangopro,”hesayssuddenly,andI’malittlethrownbythetopic.

“JeremyalsothinkstheBlackEyedPeasareTheBeatlesofourgeneration.He’sbeenknownto

thinkstupidthings.”

Mackjustsmiles.“I’vebeenlisteningtohimraveaboutyouplayingsoccersinceyouwerejust

startingtoplayinhighschool.Hesaidyouhadthenaturalabilitywherehealwayshadtoworkhard
atit.”

“Hehasthatbackwards,”Isay,shakingmyheadandlookingdownatthegroundasIrollasmall

rockaroundwithmyshoe.“Jeremy’sthestar.He’sgoodateverything.He’sconfident,smart,
attractive,popular,anamazingathlete.He’sthegoldenchild.”Andevenhecouldn’tsatisfymydad.
WhatchancedidIeverhave?Thethoughtisfleeting,butitimmediatelysettlesovermelikeadark
cloud.

“Tohearitfromyourperspective,itsoundslikeyouthinkyouaren’tanyofthosethings.AndI

cantellyouthatfrommypointofview,thatisthefarthestthingfromthetruth.”

“Thanks.”Myresponseisquick,mybriefsmiledisingenuous.Idon’treactwelltocompliments

astheytypicallymakemefeelmoreinferiorratherthanliftmeup.IwasbarelyokaywithMack’s
tendencytoleantowardsmeandsaysomethingaboutmyeyesormysmile.

Damn,thatmancanlean.

“Anyway,he’salwayshadwonderfulthingstosayaboutyou.I’vebeenhearingaboutthe

infamous‘RachelJameson’foryears.I’mexcitedtoseewhatyoucandoonthefield.”

Iplasteronafakesmile.“Well,you’llgettoseemeinactionthisafternoon.”

“Don’tdothat.”

“Dowhat?”

“Don’tforceafakesmile.”Myfaceimmediatelydropsasheclosesthedistancebetweenus.He

isn’tinappropriatelyclosebyanymeans,butIcanfeelthetensionradiatingbetweenus.“That’stwo
timesinjustasmanyminutesthatyou’vedoneit.Yourrealsmileistooamazingforanyoneto
believeyouwhenyouaren’tbeingcompletelysincere.”

IfeelconfusedandI’msureit’sprobablyreflectedonmyface.He’scomplimentingme.Again.I

feelconfusedbecausemaybeIdowanthimtosaythesethings.ButIknowheshouldn’t,and
ultimatelythatisthefeelingthattakescontrol.

“Yeah,well,sometimesyoujusthavetosmile,evenwhenyoudon’twantto.Eveniflifedeals

youashittyhand.Yougrinandbearit.”

Mackjustlooksatme.“So,earlier,inmyoffice,”hestarts,butIquicklycuthimoff.

“DidyouseriouslyleavetochaseaftermeassoonasIleft?”

He’ssilentforamoment,lookingouttohisrightwithahintofasmirk.“Yeah,thatmightnot

havebeenthebrightestthingformetodoonmyfirstday.I’llneedtoreschedulemeetingswithallthe
girlsIdidn’tmeetwith.”

Ishakemyheadslightly.“Meh,theywon’tcare.Justletthatonego.”Ipause,wonderinghowto

broachtheconversationfromearlier.“Iwasn’tmakingaslightatyouoryourpast.Earlier,Imean.”

Hisheadbobsinashortnod.“Iknow.Itwasaknee-jerkreaction.”

“Wellifyourknee-jerkreactionistoassumethatIwouldmakeanoff-handedcommentatyour

expense,youobviouslydon’tthinkveryhighlyofmebasedonourpreviousinteractions.”He
frowns,butdoesn’tsayanything.IletoutasighandlookbackattherockI’mstillplayingwithonthe
ground.“Mack,youdon’tneedtodothis.Youdon’tneedtocomehereandtrytofixthingsormake
us‘okay.’Ifyou’reworriedIwon’tplay,youdon’thavetoworry.”Ilookupathimandtrytogivean
unaffectedshrug.“I’llbetotallyfine.Nobigdeal.”

Hisfrownslowlymorphsintoascowl.“You’llbetotallyfine.”Hesaysitlikeastatement,nota

question.

Igivehimanothershrugandjuststareathimblankly,willinghimtoleavesoIcangolaydown

onmybedandpretendthepastfewdaysneverhappened.AndasIstareathim,Icanfeeltheshutters
begintocloseinmybody.Myneedtoexplainmyself,mydesiretoensurethatheandIare‘okay’,
mywishthatwecouldnavigatewhateverthisisinlightofournewrelationshipascoachand
athlete…they’rebeginningtofadetotheperiphery.Idon’twanttohavethesefeelings,andshutting
themoutiseasierthandealingwiththem.

It’salwayseasier.

It’showIdealwithattentionfrommenwhenIdon’twantit.

Apathy.

Itspeaksvolumesmorethandislikeorsnappyresponsesorfrustrationoranyotheremotion.

Keepingmyfaceunaffectedandneutral,asifIcouldn’tcareless.Becauseapathydemonstratesa
completelackofcare,asifthepersondoesn’tevenmarkablipontheradar.

ButIalsoknowapathyisdestructive.AndMack’sfacialexpressionisacleardemonstrationthat

myapathyisimpactinghim.

Butwhenhedoesn’tsayanythingelse,Itakehissilenceasaninvitationtoendtheconversation,

maintainingmycalmdemeanor.“I’llseeyouatpracticethisafternoon,CoachMcIntosh.”

Hisscowldeepensandheflexeshisfistsathissides,thenspinsabruptlyandstalksdownthepath

tohistruck.Hedoesn’tlookback,andI’mthankful.MaybeifIpretendI’mfineforlongenough,I
actuallywillbe.

IjustwishIcouldgetmyhearttoagree.

*****

PiperandRuth-AnnarerunningalongsidemewhenIhearthewhistleblow,indicatingthat

practiceisabouttobegin.Ijogquicklyovertothebenchandpulloutmywaterbottle,splashinga
quickswigintomymouthbeforeturningandfocusingonMackandCoachJohnson.

“Alrightladies,Idon’twanttowastealotoftimetalkingatyou,”Macksays,focusingonthe

womenstandinginthefrontofthegroup.

Ofcourse,GinaisfrontandcenterwearingwhatIcanonlyassumearehotpantsandasports

bra.Myeyesrollsohardtheymightdetachfrommybody.

Ikeepmyeyestrainedonmywaterbottle,nothearingalotofwhathesaysuntilhementionsthat

he’llbeworkingwiththegoalkeepers.

Myheadsnapsupandoureyescollide.CoachJohnsonhasalwaysworkedwithmedirectly.Why

thesuddenchange?

IlookoveratErinThomasandKristalAgnes,thetwootherkeepersonourteam.

“Didyouknowaboutthis?”Iwhisper.Bothofthemshaketheirheads.“What’sthedeal?He

shouldn’tbemakingchangeslikethiswithoutatleasttalkingtousaboutit.”Erinshrugs,butIcansee
thatKristalisasirritatedasIam.

“Didyouhavesomethingtoshare,Rachel?”Ihearfromthefront.Ilookquicklyuptothefront

andseeMacklookingatme.

Iclearmythroat,suddenlynervousasalleyesturntolookinmydirection.

“Wewerejustwonderingwhywe’remakingachangetoGKtrainingsolateintheseason.”

Myreplyiscautious,asIwanttoensureIdon’timplicatethatMackisdoinganythingwrong.He

isthecoach,afterall.ButIalsosuspectthathe’sdoingthisonpurpose.There’snoreasonforMack
tofocusonourtraining.CoachJohnsonandIhaveasystem,aschedule,aplan.Idon’twanttothrow
awrenchinitrightnow.

“CoachJohnsonhasexpressedaninterestinfocusingmoreonoffensivetrainingandstrategy,as

that'swherehisinterestlies.I’llbefocusingmoreonthedefense.Wecantalkmoreaboutitwhenthe
fourofushitthegyminafew.”

Hisreply,whileansweringmyquestion,islikeaslugtothegut.I’msurprisedandslightly

disappointedtoknowthatCoachJohnsonaskedtochangehisfocus.Didhenotlikeworkingwithus?

“Alrightladies,let’sgetstarted.”

EveryonedisbursesintogroupsonthefieldwhileErin,KristalandIturnandheadtothetraining

room,talkingsoftlyaboutthechangeonthewaythere.

Wenormallyonlyworkoutinthegyminourfreetime,asCoachWalkeralwayswantedusto

feelcohesiveasateamduringactualpractice.Itmadesensetome.Itspokeofherhavingavision.
SplittingtheGKsoffonourownfeelswrong.ButIknowIcan’triskvoicingmyopinion,especially
whenthingswithMackaresotentative.

WhenMackwalksinfifteenminuteslater,we’rejogginglightlyonthetreadmillswithweights

aroundourankles.

“Iliketheweights,”Macksays,standingwithhisarmscrossedinfrontofourmachines.“It

playsperfectlyintowhatIwanttodowiththethreeofyouoverthenextfewweeks.”Hereachesover
tohisbagandpullsoutmoreweights,walkingovertoeachofusandstrappingthemtoourwrists.
“Fromnowon,Iwantyoutoweartheseasoftenaspossible.”

IglancequicklyatErinandseeherfacebreakoutintoasmile.Erinreadonlineoverthe

summerthatalotofproplayersworelightweightsaroundtoincreasetheirspeedandreflexes.Ifyou
couldmovequicklyandaccuratelywithanextratwentypoundsonyourbody,imaginehowfastyou
wouldmoveoncethoseweightswereremoved.Sheputtogetherabunchofresearchandtookher
findingstoCoachJ,butultimatelyCoachWalkerdidn’tlikethatmethodandtoldErinitwasn’tgoing
tohappen.

“IcanseefromErin’sreactionthatIwon’tgetmuchofafightfromyouonthis.It’satechnique

usedintheprofessionallevelinalotofdifferentsports,andI’veheardgreatfeedbacksofar.”Mack
isstandinginfrontofusagain.“ButIdomeanasoftenaspossible.Iknowitisn’tfashionable…”

“Wearen’tconcernedaboutthat,”Kristalcutsin.“Wespendalotoftimecoveredinsweatand

dirt.”

Iletoutalittlelaugh,picturingourpracticelastweekaftertheonedayitpouredrainin

California.Thethreeofuswerebasicallystandinginpitsofmud.Oncepracticewasover,wespenta
goodtwentyminutesinamudfight.Jeremyhadrefusedtoletmeinhiscarwhenhepickedmeupfor
dinnerthatnight.

“Sweatanddirt,”Ibreatheout,withasmile.“Theglamorouslifeofakeeper.”

IlookbacktoMackandseehimwatchingmeintently.MysmilequicklydropsandIreplaceit

withanunaffectedexpression.Mackclearshisthroat,avertinghiseyes.Aftergivingusfurther
instructionsandpullingusoffthetreadmills,heheadsbackouttothefield,leavingustotrainonour
own.

“Damnthatmanisafox,”Erinsays,oncehe’sfinallyoutofthegym.“Thinkhehasa

girlfriend?”

Iletoutasnortoflaughter.

“Laughallyouwant,”Kristalpipesin,“butGinasaidshewantstohitit.Hopefullyhe’stakenso

wecanthrowheroffhisscent.”Shesitsonthegroundandbeginsdoingsit-upswhilethrowinga
medicineballatthewallatthesametime,catchingitbeforeitdrops.ThisbitchisatankandIwishI
couldtrainashardasher.ShemightbeabackupGK,butshe’soneoftheoneswhowillgopro,
withoutadoubt.Shejustneedsalittletimetodevelopmore.

“FuckingGina.”Erinslamsherballtotheground,picksitup,andthenslamsitdownagain.“If

thatbitchtriestocrawlintoCoach’spants,wecouldhaveahugeissue,andourteamdoesn’tneed
that.”

“Ifhe’sreallyasmuchofaladiesmanashelooksonline,shewon’thaveahardtimegetting

himbetweenherthighs,”Kristaladds.

“He’saladiesman?”Iask,mystomachturningjustabit.IrememberthepicturesIsawonhis

Facebookpage,butthoseweren’tveryrecent.Ithoughtmaybehehadgrownoutofthenameless
hookupsphase,unlikemybrother.

“Ohyeah,”Kristalsaysthroughheavybreaths,lyingontheground,stillthrowingthemedicine

ballatthewall.“Ruth-Annsaidshecouldn’tfindanythingabouthimonline.ButIdidalittledigging.
HislastthingwasthatVictoria’sSecretmodelwiththesexybody.What’shername?”

Erinletsoutabarkoflaughter.“TheVicmodelwiththesexybody?You’rereallynarrowingit

down,there,Kris.”

Kristalmakesafacebutcontinueswithherworkout.“YouknowwhoI’mtalkingabout.Shehas

thosehugeboobsandrecentlydidamovie.”

“Ooooooooh,”Erinsays,recognitionhittingher.“AreyoutalkingaboutRonnieKade?”

MystomachplummetsandIhearaslightringinginmyears.HislastgirlfriendwasRonnie

Kade?

“HedatedRonnieKade?”MyvoicecomesoutalittleharsherthanIhadplanned,butneitherof

themnotices.

“Hedidn’tdateRonnieKade.HefuckedRonnieKade.They’relike,friendswithbenniesor

something.”

IstareatKristal,unsurehowtoprocessthatinformation.Howdidthisnotregisterforme?I

wentonadatewithaguywhowassosweet.Irememberhowaffectedhelookedbyourkiss,how
connectedweseemedoverbullshittexting.Butthere’snowayIevenclockonhisradarifRonnie
Kadeissexinghimupontheregular.

“Howdoyouknowthat?Isitstillgoingon?”IgritmyteethasIthrowthemedicineballagainst

thewall.Idon’twanttobeaffected,andIdefinitelydon’twanttoseemtoonosey.

“Therearealotpicturesofhimleavingherhouseearlyinthemorning,lookingrumpledand

thoroughlysexed,butbothofthemsaythey’rejustreallygoodfriends,”Kristalreplies.Itsoundslike
shehasdoneathoroughcheckonhisdatinghistory.“Supposedlyshe’sdatingaB-listactor,butthere
wasaphotoofherandcoachtogetherinPeoplejustafewweeksagoatamoviepremiereinNew
York.”

“HopefullyGinacan’tsinkherclawsintohimifhe’susedtohookingupwithpeopleonthat

level,”Erinsays,swiggingfromherwaterbottle.

ErinandKristalshiftawayfromMackandinsteadbegindiscussingoneofourotherteammates’

recentflingswithaplayeronthemen’ssoccerteam.Butmymindisfirmlyentrenchedinpicking
apartmyinteractionswithMackinlightofwhatI’djustlearned.

I’maconfidentwoman.I’mcomfortablewithwhoIam.Ithastakenmealongtimetogettoa

placewhereIdon’tjudgemylifeormyworthbasedonaman’sperceptionofme,inspiteofmy
father ’sconstantbarragesofinsultsaimedatmychoiceofclothing,bodytype,oranythingelseIdo.

ButknowingI’mfollowingRonnieKadeismessingwithmystomach.She’severythingI’mnot.

EverythingItoldMackIwasn’t.AndwhatblowsmymindisthatheseemedtolikethatIwasn’toneof
thosegirls.Wasthatallalie?WasIjustagirlthathethoughtwouldbeeasytoplaywithwhenhewas
bored?

Mythoughtsroamallovertheplaceduringtheremainingninetyminutesoftraining.When

practiceends,wejointheteambackonthefield,andIknowI’minasourmoodthat’svisibleonmy
face.

AshardasIworktobeunaffected,sometimestheJamesonattitudedripsfrommyeverypore

andIcan’thelpthesass.

IkeepmyeyesfromMack’sasheaddressestheteam,lettingusknowwe’llbeplayingwiththe

men’steamtomorrowinourregularpre-gamedayscrimmage.

Whenwefinallywrapup,Iturnquicklytowardstheparkinglot.Hopefullysomedistancefrom

MackandahappydinnerwithmybrothercansortoutmymindandhelpmegetbacktowhereIwas
before.

Comfortable.

Calm.

Confident.

Idon’tneedtomeasuremyselftoanymodel.Thattypeofthinkingisarecipefordisaster.Notto

mentionthefactthatitwillgetmenowhere.Andyou’renotevendatinghim!Irollmyeyesatmyself.

Aquickhonkyanksmefrommythoughts,andIturntoseeJeremy’sSUVpullingup.Myface

breaksintoasmileandIruntothepassengerdoor.

“HeyRach,”hesaysasIclimbinside.Ileanacrossthecenterconsoleandlandasmoochonhis

cheek.“ThoughtI’dpickyouupfordinnerinsteadofmeetingyouthere.”

“Aslongasyoudon’tmindmyfunkysweatsmell,”Ireplywithasmile.

Aboutfortyfiveminuteslater,aftersittingintrafficandshootingtheshitabouthowthingsare

goingwiththeGalaxyandcatchinguponourfavoriteTVshow-FixerUpperisliterallyamazing

JeremyandIpullintoRicardo’s.WerotatebetweenourfavoriterestaurantseveryMonday,and
Ricardo’sisthisdeliciouslittletacoshopinHollywoodtakingupatinylotspaceattheendofalong
lineofritzyrestaurants.Itisliterallytwentyfeetwideandonlyhasaboutadozentablesinside.But
theyhavesomeofthemostlegittacosever.Afterplacingourorder,wetakeaseatbythewindow.

“So,”Jeremystarts,rubbinghishandstogether,“tellmeaboutyourfirstpracticewiththenew

coach.”

Igroaninternally.IneedthisdinnerwithJeremytodistractmefromMack,nottositandgab

abouthim.

“Itwasfine.”

“That’sit?Itwasfine?”Jeremy’seyebrowliftsupandIimmediatelyrealizemymistake.Ikeep

myopinionsguardedforthemostpart,exceptwithJeremyandCharlie.They’vebeenwitnessto
someofmymostridiculousrantsovertheyears.NothavinganopiniononMackasmynewcoachis
equivalenttotellingJeremythatI’mhidingsomething,soIscrambleforaresponse.

“Okayitwasn’tfine.CoachJohnsondoesn’twanttoworkwithusanymoreandweweresplitoff

fromeveryoneelse.Idon’tlikefeelingsegregated.It’sadickmove.”Igrabmysodacupandbegin
chewingonthestraw.

“Maybethat’sjusthisstyle,”Jeremysayswithashrug.“CoachMitchellusedtosplitoffthe

goalkeepers,butCoachNormanwantedusalltogether.It’sjustadifferenceinphilosophy.”

IthinkbacktoJeremy’shighschoolandcollegecoaches,noddingmyheadwithhisstatement.

“Igetthat.IjustwishMack’sphilosophywasn’tdifferentfromwhatI’mfamiliarwith.It’sjusta

littlemuchtotakeinatonceandIdon’tknowhowIfeelaboutit.”Tobehonest,I’mnotentirelysure
I’monlytalkingabouthiscoachingstyle.

“HeletsyoucallhimMack?”Hiseyebrowliftsagain,andI’minstantlyawarethatI’ve

misspokenagain.CoachWalkerandCoachJohnsonwererigidabouthavinguscallthembytheirlast
nameswith‘coach’attachedsoasnottobreedfamiliarity.ItsunlikelyMack’sapproachwould
divergefromthat.

“No,no.”Istutterquickly.“ErinandKriswereall‘Mackthis’and‘Mackthat’duringour

workout.Theywerestalkinghimonlineorsomething.”

“Thankyou,”Jeremysaystothewaitressasatrayoftacosisplacedbeforeus.Ashe’ssqueezing

limeontohiscarnitas,helooksupwithatinygrin.“Sothey’realreadyflocking?”

Myfacescrunchesinconfusion.“Flocking?”

“Thegirlsonyourteam,”hereplies.“Yournewcoachcanbequitetheladykiller.Itdoesn’t

surprisemethatthey’realreadytryingtogetmoreinformationabouthim.HasGinatartedherselfup
yet?”

Evenwiththeuncomfortableturnofconversation,Istillcan’thelpbutletoutasnortathis

commentaboutGina.

“Youshouldhaveseenhertoday,”IrespondbetweenbitesofdeliciousMexicangoodness.“I

swear,hershortsweresoshort,herbootywaswinkingatme.”

Atthat,Jeremylaughsandcoughsthroughhistacos.“Holyshit.Wheredoyoucomeupwith

thesedescriptors?”

IsmileasJeremycontinuestochuckletohimself,butitdoesn’tfeelcompletelynatural.Twicein

thespanofafewhoursI’vebeenconfrontedwiththisideaofMackassomesortofsexualbusybody.
ItmakesmewanttogetoutmycellphoneandGoogletheshitoutofhimwiththeworddateattached
insteadofsoccer.ButIknowitwon’tdomeanygood.

Itwon’tchangeanythingeither.YesterdayhewasamanIwasinterestedin,andinthatreality,I

couldhaveaskedhimthemillionquestionsracingthroughmymind.Buttoday,thatrealityis
different.

Still,asIstareoutthewindowatRicardo’sandlistentoJeremyrambleon,Ican’thelpbut

wonder:aladykiller,ladiesman,manwhore,whateverheis…whatthehellwashedoingplaying
mini-golfwitha21-year-oldvirgin?

*****

Onehour,fifteentacosandfoursodaslater,andtheJamesonsiblingsarenursingenormous

foodbabies.

“Ican’tbelieveIatesixofthosetacos,”Isay,leaningbackintheboothwithmyeyesclosed,

temptedtogiveintothefoodcoma.“You’reahorribleinfluence.”

Jeremyletsoutaloudbelchandrubshistummy.“Obviously.”

Ismileathimanddigthroughmypurseformyphone,switchingthesoundbackon.Myface

fallswhenIseethemissedcallandvoicemail.

“Somethingwrong?”Jeremyasks,leaningforwardandsearchingmyfacewithconcern.

“Dadcalled,”Irespondsoftly.

Jeremy’sfacecontortsintoahardexpression.“Ignoreit.”

“Heleftavoicemail.Heneverdoesthat.Whatifsomething’swrong?”Isaythewordsquietly,

butIknowinmyheartitisn’ttrue.

“Youknowthat’snotwhatitis.Nomatterwhyhe’scalling,he’sgoingtoplaymindgameswith

you,Rach.Don’tgivehimthesatisfaction.Ifyoulistentoit,you’llbelettinghimsuckyouin.”

Jeremyhasalwaysbeenincrediblyprotectiveofmewhenitcomestoourdad.Heknowsfirst-

handwhatitwasliketogrowupwithFrankJameson,andhefeltincredibleamountsofguiltwhenhe
movedtoGlendaleandleftmeathomeforthreeyearsbymyself.We’vealwaysbeenhonestwith
eachotheraboutdad’s…difficultbehavior,butthereareafewthingsfromthoseyearsthatIhaven’t
eventoldJeremyabout.

Regardlessofthosethings,though,I’vealwaysfeltthissenseofobligation.Iamconstantlyat

warwithmyself.Iknowinteractionswithhimwillalwaysbenegativeandhorribleandresultineither
tearsorafewdaysofself-reflectiontogetpastit.Buthe’smyfather,andasmuchasIknowhewill
alwaysletmedown,Ican’thelpthisnigglingdesireatthebackofmyheadthathemightchange.
Someday.

Islowlyclickthescreenandliftthephonetomyear.Jeremyletsoutaresignedsighandleans

back,drainingtherestofhissodaandglaringoutthewindow.WhenIhearmyfather ’sslurred
words,myheartconstricts,andIknowthattodayisnot‘someday’.

Rachel,it’syourfather,butIguessthatdoesn’tmeananythingtoyou.IranintoColinLincoln

yesterday.Carter’shomefromPrinceton,visitinghisfamily.Apparentlyhe’sheadingtoHarvardLaw
nextyear.He’sreallyturnedintosomething.Butyouwerejusttoomuchofadyketoholdonto
somethinggood.Anyway,I’llbeatyourgameonWednesday.

Thevoicemailcutsoffthere,likehecouldn’tevenwastehistimetofinishthestatementandsay

goodbye.IstareblanklyatJeremy,feelingallofthebloodinmybodyrushtomyfacein
embarrassmentatmyfather ’swords.

Jeremygrabsthephonefrommeandquicklylistenstothevoicemailbeforedeletingitand

takingmyhandsinhis.

“Thisiswhyyoushouldn’teverlistentoawordthatmansays,”Jeremysayssoftly.“He’s

fuckingwasted,thinkingonlyofhimself.ThenerveofhimtobringupCarterLincolnasifhe’s
someoneyoushould…Ican’teven…”Jeremystops,unabletofinishhisstatement.Icanfeeltherage
rollingoffofhiminwaves.

“ThanksJer,butIdon’twanttotalkaboutit.Canyoujusttakemehome?”

Jeremysearchesmyeyesbeforenodding.Weloadourtrayswithourtrash,shoveitinoneofthe

trashcans,andheadfortheexit.

Mybrainfeelsfuzzy,likeitalwaysdoesafterseeing,speakingto,orhearingfrommydad.Istill

feelthetwingeofembarrassment,butalsothebeginningsofangerandfrustration,attheideathatmy
dadisgoingtogracemewithhispresenceonWednesday.I’vegottenthroughallofcollegewithout
himhumiliatingmelikehedidwhenIwasinhighschool,showingupblitzedatmymatchesand
causingsuchaproblemthathewaseventuallybannedfromthegames.Ican’timaginewhatitisthat’s
madehimtowanttocometothisgame.

Whynow?

We’rewalkingoutfromRicardo’s,mymindstilltrudgingthroughthefog,whenIseehim.At

first,I’msoconfusedthatI’msuremymindisplayingtricks.

Mack,dressedinasuit,walkingdowntheAvenueoftheStars.

Mybodybetraysmeasmyheartbeginstorace.Forjustabrilliantmoment,thoughtsofmydad

andtheimpendinggamevanish.Helookssohandsome,histailoredsuitshowingoffhistrimhips
andbroadshoulders.I’msurprisedhewasabletogetshoweredandchangedafterpracticesoquickly.
I’msurprisedtoseehiminHollywoodatall,consideringhowlargethisareaisandthefactwecould
havemissedeachotherifeitherofushadleftmomentsearlier.

Butmostly,I’msurprisedtoseehimstrollingdownthestreetwithoutacareintheworld,hand-

in-handwithRonnieKade.

ThefogclearsquicklyandIfeellikemyhearthasslammedintoabrickwall.Myeyes,still

slightlyglassywiththetearsIhadrefusedtoletfallovermydad’scallousvoicemail,begintowater
againasItakethemin,laughingtogetherinaneasywayastheywalkinourdirection.

Damn,theylooklikethey’reinamovie.Allthey’remissingisasoundtrack.

Buthisrelaxedsmilevanishesandhisstepsfalterwhenheseesme.Hiseyesflickerfrommeto

Jeremy,whoseemsoblivioustotheriotofemotionscurrentlyrushingthroughmybody.

“Mack!”Jeremyshoutsinjovialgreeting.“Howareyou,man?”

MackandJeremyapproacheachotheranddothatbro-hughandshakecombothingthatguysdo.

“Jeremy.Rachel.”Macknodsatbothofus,hisfacenearlyexpressionless,thoughhiseyesstay

rootedonme.

Mygaze,however,straystotheright.Totheabsolutelybreathtakingmodelwhohassnuggled

herselfintohisside,stillclutchinghishand.Shewrapsherotherarmaroundhis,herheadleaning
comfortablyonhisshoulderlikeshe’sdoneitathousandtimes.She’sanamazon,hergorgeous
pitch-blackhairshininginthefadingsunlight.Sheoozessexandconfidenceinatight,short,red
numberthatclingstoheramazingfigureandhugebreasts.

Suddenly,IrealizethefourofusarestandinginsilenceasIstareather.Myeyesshootto

Jeremy,whoislookingatmeexpectantly.

“I’msorry,what?”Iask,feelinglikeanabsoluteidiot.

“MackjustintroducedyoutoRonnie,”Jeremysayssoftly.

“Oh,I’msorry,”Inearlytripsteppingforward,myhandextended.“I’vehadareallylongday.

It’snicetomeetyou,”Isay,forcingasmilethatfeelsanythingbutgenuine.

Ronniebeamsamegawattsmileatme,oblivioustomydiscomfort,acceptingmyhandinalight

shake.“Youtoo,Rochelle.”

“It’sRachel,”IhearfromMack,butIrefusetoconnectmyeyeswithhisagain.

“So,whatareyoutwouptotonight?”ThequestionisoutbeforeIcanstopit,andIwishIcould

reachoutandgrabthewordsandstuffthembackintomymouth.

“Justgrabbingaquickbite,catchinguponlife,”Ronniereplies,“andgettinginsomequality

time.”SheglancesupatMackwithwhatIcanonlyimagineareherbedroomeyes.

MymouthgoesdryandIfeellikemystomachhasdroppedthreefeet.

Thereitis.

ConfirmationthatmyfearsaboutMackandRonniearen’tentirelyunfounded.

IquicklytrytoshaketheunsettlingfeelingthatMackthoughtIcouldbeaquickbangbetween

modelsandactresses.Buttheimagebeforemedoesn’tleaveroomformuchelse.MackandRonnie,
outonthetown,dressedtothenines,beforeheadinghomeforwhatwillprobablybemind-blowing,
loud,sweaty,dirtysexacrossthekitchenislandinwhatisprobablyamansiononthebeach.

WhenmyeyesdarttoMack,Iseehe’sstaringatmeunabashedly.Hiseyesaregluedtomine,

pleadingwithme.Icanonlyassumehe’shopingIwon’tspillthebeansnowthatIknowourkiss
was…nothingcomparedtowhateverheshareswithRonnie.

“Well,wewon’tkeepyoufromyour…qualitytime,”Ichokeoutthewords.“We’rejustheading

home.Seeyoutomorrow,Coach.”IloopmyarminJeremy’sandpracticallytughimawaywithme.

“FuckingRonnieKade,”Jeremysaysaswemakeourwayaroundthecornertothelot.“Of

coursehe’sfuckingRonnie.Thatdick.”

IglanceupatJeremyandI’mshockedtoseeasmileonhisface.“Whydoyoulooksohappyif

yousoundpissed?”

“WhywouldIbepissed?Jealousismorelikeit,”heanswers,flashinghischarmingsmileatme.

“Thatguygetssomuchass,andhedoesn’teventry.”Mymouthdropsopen.“Iknowhe’syourcoach,
soIshouldn’tsaystufflikethat.But,damn.RonnieKade.”

Ichewonmylipaswewalk,wonderingifIshouldaskanyquestionsorifthat’stooobvious.

Ultimately,mycuriositygetsthebestofme.

“Thegirlsmadeitseemlikethey’vebeentogetherawhile.”Itisn’taquestion,butIknowit’s

enoughtogetJeremytalking.

“Ialwayssuspectedsomethingwasgoingon‘causethey’veknowneachothersincehewas

playinginChicago.He’sneverbeenonetochataboutwhohe’sbanging,butwiththenumberof
chickshe’spulledsincehe’sbeenhereforallofamonth,Ijustassumedthey’dcalleditoff.”

“What?”MyvoiceisaslightlyhigherpitchthanIwantedittocomeout,butIcan’thelpmyself

butask.

“Don’tgetmewrong.Ifhewantstosleeparoundwhilehe’slivinginLA,morepowertoohim.

I’mjustsurprisedhewasabletokeepherinhisbedwhenhe’sbeeninvitingsomanyotherladiesinto
it.LikeIsaid,he’sbeenhereunderamonth,andhegetswaymoreplaythanIdo.”

Igritmyteeth,tryingtohidemyfrustrationandconfusion,andifI’mhonestwithmyself,

sadness.WewalktherestofthewaytoJeremy’sSUVinsilence.

“Youokay?”Jeremypullsmefrommythoughtsafterwe’vebeenontheroadforabit.WhenI

lookawayfromthewindow,Iseehimlookingatmewithconcernedeyes.

Inod.“Justthinkingabouteverything,”Irespond,mytonelowanddistracted,aperfect

reflectionofmymentalstate.Iknowbysayingitthatway,he’llthinkI’mtalkingaboutdad,our
rockyanduncomfortablerelationship,thegameonWednesday.

ButmythoughtsarestuckonMackandhisdate.AndIwonderhowIevercouldhave

misunderstood.

ChapterFive

“Iappreciatethethoughtfulness,Jeremy,butyoudon’thavetobabysit,”Isaywithasigh.

Jeremy’soffertoattendmygameonWednesdayissweet,butunnecessary.Hehashisownlife,

hisownpracticescheduletocontendwith.Hedoesn’tneedtoconcernhimselfwithourdad’sneedto
embarrassme.

“Itisn’taboutbabysitting,”herepliesashepullsupintothelotatthecollegewheremycaris

andshiftsintopark.Herunshishandsthroughhishair,thengripsthesteeringwheelagain.“Ijust
knowhe’sgoingtobeanabsolutefuckingnightmare.Idon’twantyoutohavetodealwithitonyour
own.”

“IloveyouJer,butyou’renotcoming.I’vedealtwithhimbefore.Icandoitagain.”Ilean

acrosstheconsoleandkisshimonthecheek.“Thanksfordinner.I’llseeyounextweek.”Iquickly
grabmybagandhopoutofhisSUVbeforehecanarguewithmeanyfurther.

Hestaresatmeforamomentbeforenodding.“Letmeknowifyouneedanything,”hesays.

Inodandclosethedoor,walkingofftoTrustyRusty.Iwaveashedrivesoff,thenturnonmycar

andbegintheshortdrivehome,reviewingtheday.

Howhaseverythingthathashappenedtodayhappenedinonesingleday?

IwokeupfrommydreamaboutMackwithsuchhighhopes.Ourdatehadbeensoperfect,so

sweet,soreal.Andthatkiss.

Thatkiss.

Warmthhadradiatedthroughme,crackingsomefrozenpieceinsideIdidn’tknowexisted.

Contrastthatwiththeheartbreakoffindingouthe’smynewcoach,followedbyouruncomfortable
argumentinhisofficeandatmyhouse.ThenthedramaofpracticeandhearingaboutMack’s
relationshipwithRonnie.ThenseeinghimwithRonnie.Ijustcan’twrapmyheadarounditall.

Andtheshitwithmydad.FrankJamesonisamess,andifI’mnotcareful,he’sgoingtodragme

backtoanemotionalplaceIdon’twanttobe.

HowamIevergoingtogetthroughthegameonWednesday?

MystomachturnsoverasIthinkaboutthecertaintyofmydadshowingupwastedand

belligerent,causingproblemsandhasslingpeopleinthestands,shoutingoutatuswhileweplay.

Hisanticscausedaheapofproblemsformeinhighschool.Parentsdidn’twanttheirkidstobe

friendswithFrankJameson’skid,eventhoughwewereoldenoughtohavefriendshipsthatdidn’t
involveparentsfacilitatingplaydates.MyrelationshipwithCarterwasstrainedpartlybecauseofhim
andmysoccerteamgossipedaboutmebehindmyback.Whenyourdadisseenasthetrashofthe
town,theassumptionisthattheappleisrottentoo,nomatterhowfarithasactuallyfallenfromthe
tree.

Idon’twanttoseethathappenagain.

WhenIgethome,Iparkandquicklycallhishomenumber.

“ThisisFrank,”hisvoicecomesthroughthephoneinaslur.

“Hidad,”Isay,tryingtomusterupmyconfidence.“It’sRJ.”

“Rachel.”Eventhewayhesaysmyname,withsuchdisdainandhatred,causesmyheadtoache.

“Whatthehelldoyouwant?”

“I’mjustcallingyouback.Youknow.Becauseyoucalledearlier?”

There’ssilenceonhisend.I’munsurewhetherhehasfallenasleep,ordoesn’trememberwhyhe

calledme,orifhejustdoesn’tknowhowtorespond.Inevercallhimback.Heleavesnasty
voicemailsandItorturemyselfbylisteningtothem.ButIalwaysmusterupthestrengthtocallon
holidaysandhisbirthday.Eventhen,herarelyanswers.Ihaven’tactuallyspokentohimsince
Christmas.

“YoumentionedcomingtothegameonWednesday.”I’mfairlysurehe’sforgotten,thememory

justablurinhiswhiskey-addledbrain.“Ijustwantedtothankyou,butyoudon’thavetocome.I
knowitwilltakeyoualongtimetogetthereonthebus,andI’msureyouhavebetterthingstodo.”

I’mtryingtomakeitseemlikeI’mlookingoutforhisbestinterests.ButIalreadyknowhe’s

goingtofindawaytoturnthisaroundonme.

“Listenup,youspoiledshit.Idon’tneedyoudoingmeanyfavors.IfIsayIwanttocometothe

game,I’mgoingtobethere.Andyoucan’tdoanythingaboutit.”

Itryhardtokeepmytonelight,placating.“Iknow,dad.Iknow.Ijustwantedtomakesureyou

weren’tputtingyourselfout.”

“Puttingoutismoreyourstyle,rightRachel?Alwaysaroundallthoseboys,lettin’‘emslapyour

ass.Youjustcouldn’tbeanormalfuckingdaughter,couldyou?Youdon’tthinkIknowyouwere
lettin’thoseboysfuckyou?”

“Whichoneisitdad?”Igritout,myangerfromthedaysuddenlyboilingover,shockingme

slightly.“AmIawhorewhospreadsherlegs?Oradykewhocan’tkeepadecentman?”

“Don’ttalktomelikethatyouworthlesspieceofshit.Nowonderyourmotherabandonedyou.I

justwishshehadn’tleftyouwithme,ruiningmylifetoo.”

Isqueezemyeyesshut,asifthatcouldblockouthiswords.Butofcourseitdoesn’twork.“If

youcometothegameonWednesday,staythehellawayfromme.”

Ihangupthephoneanduseallofmyself-controlnottochuckitintothestreet.ThenIrestmy

foreheadonthesteeringwheelandcry.

*****

SoftknockingwakesmefrommyplaceinfrontoftheTVandwhenIglanceattheclockonthe

wall,Iseeit’safter11pm.Isituponthecouchandrubmyface,unsureiftheknockiscomingfrom
theshowcurrentlyairingorthefrontdoor.Aftersittingstillandlisteningforaminute,Ihearanother
knock,thistimeabitlouder.

Iwrapthesoftblanketaroundmybodyandshuffleintotheentryway,catchingaviewofmyface

inamirrorintheprocess.Bloodshoteyes,hairinarattybunatthetopofmyhead.Tosaytonight
wasroughistheunderstatementofthecentury.

Ipullthedooropen,andtosayI’mshockedtoseeMackstandingoutsideisanunderstatement.I

quicklytrytobacktrackandshutthedoorinhisface,buthishandfliesouttoholditopen.

“I’mnotinthemood,Mack,forwhateveryou’reselling.”

“Youhavetoletmeexplain,”hesays,hisfaceaninterestingcombinationofdeterminedand

pleading.“IknowexactlywhatyouthoughtwhenyousawmewithRonnie,butIpromiseyouitisn’t
whatyouthink.”

“WhatIthinkdoesn’tmatter,Mack.You’reentitledtofuckwhoyouwant.”Mywordsareshort

andclipped,betrayingmyinternalconflict.

“Damnit,RJ,”hestarts,lettingoutanexhaustedbreath.

“SonowI’mRJagain?Funny,becausejustafewhoursagoIwasRachel,”Itugtheblanket

tighteraroundme,slowlyshakingmyheadasIlookathim.“TheonlythingI’msureofwithyouis
thatI’mdefinitelynoRonnieKade.”

Herubshishandsonhisfaceinfrustration.“IneedyoutoletmefinishasentenceRJ.IknowI

didn’tprovideyouthesamecourtesyinmyofficethismorning,andnowIunderstandwhatthatfeels
like.Willyoupleaseletmeexplain?”

Iassesshimforamoment.Hishairismussed,asifhe’sbeenrunninghishandsthroughittoo

much.Hiseyesaretired,hissuitwrinkled.Igivehimastiffnod,butmakenomovefromthe
doorway.Hecansaywhateverhewants,butheisnotcomingin.

“Youhavefiveminutes.Afterthat,whetheryou’redoneornot,I’mgoingtobed.”

Hewastesnotimejumpingrightin.“RonnieandIhaveknowneachotherforafewyears.But

wearenottogether.”Irollmyeyes.“RonniegotbackfromNewYorkonSaturdaynightandcalled
me.Shealwayswantstohookupwhenshegetsbackfromanextendedtrip,andwemadeplansfor
tonight.”

Myangersuddenlymorphsintoadullacheinmychest,andmyfacefalls.

“SoourdateonSaturdaywas,what?Acock-tease?Haditbeenoverformorethanfiveseconds

beforeyouimmediatelyscheduledtimetohookupwithher?AtleastIfinallyunderstandwhereIfall
onthebang-list.”

Ituckmyfaceintotheblanketandcrouchtotheground.Thereactionisjuvenileandtobe

honest,abitofanoverreaction.ButIfeellikemyemotionsareapieceoftwinestretchingthinbytoo
muchweight.I’matanemotionallowaftermydaddidhisbesttoobliteratemyself-worth.Mack’s
statementisjusticingonthecake.

Iimmediatelyfeelhishandsonme,tuggingontheblanket.WhenIfinallyletgoandlookinto

hiseyes,Iseehimcrouchednexttome,onekneeontheground.

“Sotellme,Mack”Icontinue,“didyousetthatupbeforeyoucamebacktoseemeorafter.”

“Before.”

It’sjustoneword,butmyfacebunchesupinreactionastearsbegintofall.

“Soyoumadeplanstogettogetherwithherandthendroveoverhereto…towhat?Seeifyou

couldbangarandomnoonetoroundouttheevening?”

It’stheonlyrealpossibility,andIshouldn’tbeshocked.Mylifeisaseriesofunfortunate

circumstancesandhurt.IjustfeellikeIfinallyhadsomethinggood,evenforjustoneday,andnow
it’staintedtoo.

Mack’sresponsecomesquick.“RJ,whenItalkedtoRonnieonSaturday,Ionlyagreedtomeet

upwithherbecauseIwantedtotellherinperson.IwantedtotellherthatImetsomeoneIwas
interestedin,andthatsheandIjustneededtogobacktobeingfriends.That’swhywemadethedate.”

I’mshockedbyhisrevelation,frozeninplace,unabletomove.Ishesayinghewasgoingtocall

offhanky-pankywithRonnieKadeafteronedatewithme?

“What?”

It’sonlyawhisper,buthisresponseisn’tmuchmore.Hishandcomestothesideofmyface,his

thumbsweepingundermyeyetowipeawaythefewtraitoroustearsthathavefallenfree.Unbidden,I
leanmyfaceintohishand,revelinginthefeelingofclosenessinthismoment.

“Icalledherbackonthedriveovertoseeyou.”

Myeyesaregluedtohim,andallIcandoiswhisperback,“Butwehadn’tevenkissedyet.”

“Ididn’tneedtokissyoutoknowthatyouwereapersonwhowasgoingtochangeeverything.

AndifIcouldseethatwithinjustafewhoursofknowingyou,Iwantedtomakesurenothingwould
getinthewayofwhateverwasgoingtohappennext.”Histhumbswipesagain,catchingthelasttear

that’strackeddownmycheek.“Iwantwhateverisnext.”

Wesitlikethatforseconds,minutes,I’mnotsure.ButIcanfeeltheairintheroomshiftand

crystalizewithtension.Hisattentiondropstomylips,onlyforasecond,beforehiseyesflashupto
mine.

BeforeIcaneveninternalizehisglance,heleansforwardandplantshissoftlipsfirmlyonmine.

Iletoutabreathysighasmylipspartforhim,invitinghistonguetoexploremymouth.Hisother
handmovestomysideandgripsmetightly.Iquicklyreleasetheblanketandwrapmyarmsaround
hisneck,tugginghimclose.

SuddenlyI’monmybackandhe’shoveringoverme,restinghisstrong,muscularbodybetween

mylegs.Myhandsdigintohishairasheleavesmylipstolickandkissmyneck,myheadtiltingback
togivehimbetteraccess.Mybodyshudders,myphysicalresponsetohimsostrong.

“God,Mack,”Iwhisper.Ifeelhisfingersslippingunderthebottomofmyshirt,hiscoolhands

grippingthewarmskinonmysides.

Ifeelconsumed,likemybodyhasbeenzappedwithawarmsizzleofelectricity,andthe

resultingtingleisradiatingfromthemiddleofmybodytothetipsofmyfingers,tothetipsofmy
toes.Ican’tgetcloseenough.Hecan’tgetcloseenough.OurbodiesaremeldedtogetherandI’ve
neverfeltsorightbeingthisclosetosomeone.

Hepullshismouthfrommineandstaresintomyeyesasherocksintome,lettingoutahusky

moan.Igaspraggedlyandclenchmyeyesshutattheoverwhelmingfeelingoflustrushingthrough
me.

“Fuck,”hewhispers,hislipscomingbacktomineforaheatedkiss.Deepandpassionate.

Ican’tgetenough,can’tgetcloseenough.Iwanttopresseveryinchofustogetherandbindus

there,becausethisfeeling…ohthisfeeling.Thisdepthofpassionandfeelingofbeingsolostinthe
momentissomethingI’veneverknownbefore.

Butwhenhepopsthetopbuttononmyjeans,myeyesflyopenasifI’vebeendousedwithice

water.Thegravityofthismomenthasrushedintomybloodstream,eradicatingthedesireandlonging
almostcompletely.

WhatamIdoing?

Thisismycoachandwe’regrindingonthefloorinsideoftheentrywayofmyapartment.

Fuck.

Thedoorisstillopen.

Mybodyflushesagainwithheat,butthistimeoutofasuddenandveryshockingjoltof

embarrassment.Hishastetoremovemyclothesisaswiftreminderofmyinnocenceandhislackof.

“Mack,stop.”Myvoicecomesoutstrongandsure,maskingmyconfusionandsudden

nervousness.

Hishandsinstantlycomeoffofmybody,buthisbodyisstillconnectedtominefromkneeto

cheek,hismouthnexttomyearandhisbreathsragged.Igivehimatinypushandherollsoffofme,
layingflatonhisback,staringupattheceiling.

“Youneedtoleave.”

HeremainsunmovingonthefloornexttomeforamomentbeforehisheadturnsandIseehim

lookingatme.WhenIturntomeethisgaze,Iseethelonginginhiseyes.

“Pleaseknow,Ididn’tcomehereforthat.Iwasn’texpectinganything.”

Iturnmyheadawayandrollontomystomachbeforeelevatingintoakneelingposition,mybutt

restingonmyheels.Igiveaslightnod,givingmyselfsometimetocollectmythoughts.

“Iknow,Ijust…”Ipause,unsurewhattosay.“Idon’treallyget…physical…withguys.Andthat

wasjust…”abreathofairleavesme,“…reallyfast.”

WhenIlookathim,Icanseethesurprisewrittenonhisface.

“Areyou…?”

Buthedoesn’tfinishthequestionwhenmyeyesdartawayinembarrassment,heatcreepingup

myneckintomyface.Andwhatthehell?WhyamIembarrassedaboutmydecisiontowaituntilit’s
right?

Ilockeyeswithhimagain,choosingtobeunashamed.“Yes.Butultimately,that’snotwhatwe

shouldbetalkingabout.Weshouldbetalkingaboutusandthefactthatyou’rehere.”Whenhejust
continuestostareatme,Itakethatasanaffirmationandcontinue.“Partofmeisgladyoucameby,to
clarifyaboutRonnie.ToknowImeantsomething.”

“Meantsomething?”heinterjects,hisvoiceslightlyincredulous.“Youcan’tbetalkinginpast

tense,RJ.Youhavenoidea…”

“Itdoesn’tchangeanything,Mack.”Iinterrupt,squeezingmyeyesshutinefforttoblockouthis

painedexpression.“Doesitmakemefeelbetter?Iguess.”Iexhaleabreath.“Ifeellesspathetic,and
I’mgladtoknowIwasn’toneofthemanygirlsyoujustbangandmoveonfrom.”Hestartsto
interruptagainbutIputupmyhandinasilentrequesttoletmefinish.“Irealizenowthat’snotthe
truth,butitdoesn’tchangethefactthatwecan’tcontinuewhateverthisis.SoIamaskingthatyou
don’tcomebymyhouseagain.Iamaskingthatyoudon’tconcernyourselfwithmakingmefeel
betteraboutthisfuckedupsituation.Youdon’towemeanything.Youdon’tbelongtome.”

Hestaresatmeforalongminute,buteventuallygivesmeasadnodandstands.Theurgetohug

himandbringbackthesmilethatIwassocaptivatedwithwhenwefirstmetisoverwhelming.ButI
remainseatedonthefloor,watchingashestepstowardstheopendoor.

“I’msorry,RJ.”Ibarelyhearthewords,buttheyresonatedeeply.

Itisn’tuntilhe’sgone,thedoorclosed,thatIletoutanexhaustedbreath.

“Metoo.”

ChapterSix

“Shit,whokilledyourpuppy?”

Irollmyeyesandignorethejababoutthelackofsleepreflectedonmyface.I’dstayedupwell

intotheevening,thinkingaboutwhathadhappenedwithMack,andcouldn’thavegottenmorethan
threehoursofsleepbeforeIhadtoracetogetreadyforourearlymorningconditioningfollowedby
my10amclass.Inormallylovegoingtoclass,butIhadmypsychologytesttodayandthatisone
subjectIabsolutelydetest.

ThelastthingIneedthisafternoonisThomasMoore,thecaptainofthemen’ssoccerteam,

makingcommentsaboutmyappearance.ItismyunfortunateluckthatheandIsharethesamesportas
wellasthesamecareergoals,placingusinthesametravelingbusesandasignificantnumberofthe
sameclasses.He’skindofadicktome.Needlesstosay,Idomybesttoavoidhimwheneverpossible.

“Idon’thaveapuppy.ButifIeverbuyonethatsomeoneplanstokill,I’llbesuretonameit

Thomas.”

Hesmiles,unaffectedbymyresponse,andsettlesontothebenchnexttome,adjustinghissocks

overhisshinguards.

“I’vebeenthinkingaboutMarkson’sclass,”hesays,pullingouthiswaterbottleandtakinga

quickswig.“You’regoingtofocusyourpaperonEdithWhartonright?”

Inod,unsurehowThomaswouldalreadyknowtheauthorI’dbeenstronglyconsideringforthe

focusofmythesis.Ihadn’tsharedthatinformationonourdiscussionboard.

“Yeah,how’dyouknow?”

Nowfinishedwithhisshinguards,Thomasgrabsascrimmagejerseyfromtheboxnexttome

andpullsiton.

“Youtieherintoalmosteverythingwediscussinclass.I’mprettysureyou’vebroughtherupin

almosteverysmallgroupdiscussionyouandIhavebeenapartof.”

MyeyebrowsfurrowasItrytorecallourrecentconversationsinsmallgroup.IfI’dbeen

mentioningWhartoninclassonaregularbasis,IwasunawarethatI’dbeendoingso,andsurprised
thatThomashadnoticed.

“Anyway,I’vebeenthinkingaboutcenteringmypaperonHenryJames.Iwasthinkingwecould

askMarksonaboutdoingoverlappingpresentationsinDecember,andincorporatesomecomponents
abouttheirrelationshipandimpactontheirwriting.”

“You’refocusingonHenryJames?”Iasked,asmallsmilepoppingontomyface.

Thomaspalmsasoccerballanddropsittohisrightfoot,bouncingitbackintohishandsbefore

repeating.

“Yousoundsurprised.”

“Idon’tknow…IfiguredyouformoreofaDickensman.”

“Wellsinceyoureferredtohimas,andIquote‘sexist,patriarchalandderogatory’inclasslast

week,I’mprettysureIshouldtakeoffensetothatstatement.”

Iletoutashortlaugh.

“Yourememberthat,huh?”

“Yes,ma’am.”

Idroptothegroundinfrontofthebenchandbeginstretching.“I’mnotsureMarksonwouldgo

forthat.Shemightseeitasclichéorsomething.AndIdon’twanthertothinkwe’relookingforsome
gimmickforagrade.”

Thomasgivesalittleshrug,hiseyestrainedontheballheisbouncingfromkneetoknee.

“Couldn’thurttoask.Besides,Ithinkitwouldonlybenefitustoworktogether,evenalittlebit.”

Ispreadmylegsanddomybesttolaymystomachflatonthegroundbetweenthem,stretching

themusclesontheinsideofmythighsandlowerback.Outofthecornerofmyeye,Icanseeagroup
approachingthroughoneofthetunnelsatthebottomofthestadium.Timetogetthisscrimmage
going.

“Howdoyoufigure?”

Thomascatchestheballandlooksatme,tuckingtheballinagainsthiship.

“Verballysparringwithyouismyfavoritethingabouttheclasseswe’vetakentogetheroverthe

pastfewyears.Ialwaystakesomethingnewawayfromdiscussiongroupswhenyou’rethere.”

Ismileslightlyatthecompliment.I’dneverthoughtaboutitlikethatbefore,butreflectingnow,I

usuallydidenjoythoseclassesthemost.EvenifIusuallywantedtowringThomas’neck.

“Yeah,IguessIknowwhatyoumean.”

Ihearthevoicesofourteammatesbehindus,astheydroptheirdufflebagsandbegintoget

ready.Thomassmilesagain.

“Besides,I’vebeenlookingforawaytospendsomeone-on-onetimewithyouforawhile.”

MymouthfallsopenandI’munsurehowtorespond.Hewantstospendtimewithme?Since

when?ButbeforeIcanformulateacoherentthought,Ihearalaughbehindme.

“Finallyputtingthemovesonourgirlafterpiningawayfortoolong,huhMoore?”

MyheadwhipsaroundandIseeThomas’co-captain,WillSteiner,grinningeartoearjustafew

feetaway.MyfaceflushesasItakeinthefactthateveryonestandingaroundushaslikelyheardwhat
Thomassaid,andmostdefinitelyheardWill’scomment.Istandquickly,hopingthatmovingaway
fromthephysicalspaceIwasjustinhabitingwillremovethefeelingofuneasinesssettlingintomy
body.

Itdoesn’t.

“Cuttheshit,Steiner,”Thomasgritsout.Iquicklyglancebackathimandseehimglaringat

Will.“Sorry,RJ.”Hisfacehasmorphedintosomethingakintoreliefandembarrassmentatthesame
time.

“It’scool,”Imumble,turningawayandgrabbingmywaterbottle.

AsItakeasip,IspotMackafewfeetaway,hismouthinathinlineashestaresathisclipboard.

Hopefullyheisn’tgoingtoallowourinteractionsyesterdaytoimpacttoday,butthelookonhisface
ashebeginstowriteangrilydoesn’tbodewell.

Itrytopushthequestionawayandtakeaquicklaparoundthestadiumtogetwarmedupand

clearmyhead.ThecommentsfromThomasandWillhavecompletelyblindsidedme.

PartofmeisflatteredthataguyasstunningasThomasMoorewouldbeinterestedinme.He’s

classicallyhandsome.Shortblondhair,strongjaw,babyblueeyes.He’sreallysmart,too,andwe
alwaysdidgetintolittleargumentsinclassthatleftmeriledup.Apparentlytheylefthimturnedon.

Menaresoweird.

Ifthishadhappenedlastweek,beforeImetMack,Imighthavefeltsomethingapartfromjust

flattery.Maybe.WouldIhaveentertainedtheideaofgettingtoknowThomasbetter?Spendingmore
timewithhim?CanIevenobjectivelyanswerthatquestionnowthatIknowhowitfeelstohavemy
heartpoundsoharditfeelslikeitmightslamoutofmychest?

AndprobablythemostdifficultquestionthatIdon’thavetheanswerto:amIusingtheideaof

myemotionalconnectionwithMackasjustanotherwaytopushawayaguy?

WhenImakeitbacktothebenchwhereeveryonehasgathered,I’mnoclosertoansweringany

ofthosequestions.ButIdoknowthatIcan’tallowmyinterestinMacktoimpactotherrelationships,
platonicornot.IlikeThomas’ideaofteamingtogetherforourpresentationsinDecember.Themore
Ithinkaboutit,Idecideitisathoughtfulapproach,andpairingourworktogetherwillprovidea
depthourotherclassmatesmightnotbeabletoreach,possiblysomethingthatwillgetMarksonto
writemeastellarletterofrecommendationforgradschool.

IseeThomaschattingwithWillandafewoftheotherguysfromhisteamatcenterfield.Itakea

quickjogout,callingouttoThomasasIapproach.Hetakesastepawayfromthegroupandmeets
me.

“I’msorryaboutWill,”hestarts.“Idon’twantyoutofeeluncomfortable.Hedoesn’tknowhow

tokeephisdamnmouthshutandyoudon’thaveto…”

“Willyoushutupasecond?”Hestopstalkingandjustlooksatme.“Ireallylikeyourideaabout

WhartonandJamesandtheintersectingpresentations.LetstalktoMarksonaboutit.”

Hissmilecomesoutfullforce.

“Really?”Inod.“Sweet.Okay.Yeah,I’llstartputtingtogetheraproposalafterthegame

tomorrowandI’llsendityourwaysoyoucanincorporateyourthoughts.”

“Soundsgood.”Ismilebackathim.

Hereachesoutandputshishandonmyshoulder.“Thisisgoingtobegreat,RJ.Really.”

Inodagainwithasmile,thenturntojogovertowheremyteammatesaremeetingasagroup.

Itstimeforalittlefun.

*****

Afterwedivideintoco-edteams,wegetstarted.Playingsoccerwiththeguysisoneofmy

favoritepartsofplayingsocceringeneral.Itremindsmeofplayingfootballinhighschool.The
camaraderieisjustdifferent.Morerelaxedandplayful.Alittlemoreroughandtumble.

JeremyusedtobragaboutmetotheguysonhisteamwhenIwasafreshman.HowIwasn’t

fragileandcouldtakeanythingthatcamemyway.Thatmentalityhasstayedwiththeguys’teamover
theyears,becausedamndotheycomeatmefullforce.

It’sthrillingthough.Totaketheriskofchargingoutfromthegoalandbeabletogrababall

whenitisjustinchesawayfromyouropponent’sfeet.Therushofmeetinganotherplayer ’seyesas
youbothpowertowardsthesameobject,bothsosurethatyou’llbethefirsttomakeit,islikenothing
else.However,there’salsotheriskofgettingafoottotheface,acleatinthehandorotherbodypart,
theballkickedintoyournose.

WhichishowIfindmyselfflatonmyback,clutchingmyside,attemptingtorecoverfrom

havingthewindknockedoutofme.

“Holyshit,RJ!I’msosorry!”

IcanhearWill’svoice,butmyeyesareclampedshutasIholdmyhandagainstmyabdomen.I

hearsomeonedroptothegroundnexttome.

“Areyouokay?”

IwanttorespondbutI’mtakinglargegasps,tryingtobringinenoughair.

“Isthistheonlyplaceithurts?”

Tenderhandstakeholdofmineandremovethemfrommyside,touchinglightlyovermy

clothes.Igruntinpainwhenthewoundedareaispokedalittletohard.

“Don’ttouchthatspotagain,”Isay,finallyopeningmyeyesandfindingThomasonhisknees

nexttome.Itrytohikeupontomyelbowstosee,butpainradiatesthroughmeandIremainflaton
theground.

“Suchatoughone,”Thomasjokes,smilingashepushesmysweatyhairoutofmyface.“You

know,youcanacknowledgethepainandnoonewilljudgeyouforit.”Igivehimaplayfulrollofmy
eyes.

“Rachel,youokay?”IlookquicklyawayfromThomastowardsMack,whoisnowstandingnext

tousbutslightlybehindme.I’munsurehowlonghehasbeenstandingthere.Hismouthisinathin
lineagain,butIdon’tthinkit’soutofconcernforme.WhenIfindhiseyes,Irealizetheyaretrained
onThomas’hands,whicharerestingonmystomachandmythigh.

“Yeah,I’mgood.Thomaswasjust…”

“Wellifyou’refine,getupandwe’llkeepgoing.Pleasedon’twastetimelayingaroundonthe

ground.Thisisn’tthepros,andIdon’tacceptdramatic,overinflatedpretendinjuries.”

Histoneisclipped,acleardemonstrationthatMackdoesn’tknowhowtoacceptour

circumstanceswithoutblowingeverythingoutofproportion.Heturnsquicklyandwalksbacktothe
sidelines.

“Whataprick,”ThomasmumblesasheandWillhelpmetostand.“MaybeyoushouldhaveErin

standinforyoufortherestofthegame.Youknow,soyou’reallgoodfortomorrow.”

“Yeah,that’sagoodidea.Wedon’thavemuchtimeleftanyway.”

AsIturntoheadtowardsthesidelines,IhearThomascalloutafterme.

“You’reatotalbadass,bytheway!”WhenIturntolookathim,heandWillarestillstanding

therelookingatme.“ThelastguytotakeacleatintheribfromWillwascarriedoffthefield.”I
shoothimahugesmile.“Total.Bad.Ass.”

Ismileandturntojogovertothesidelines,butslowtoawalkafterIfeelthestabofpainthat

shootsthroughme.

JaniceGrange,ourathletictrainer,comesovertowhereI’mseatedafterafewminutesandlays

mebackonthebenchtogetabetterlookatthedamage.Whenshepullsmyshirtupslightly,Icansee
thattherearedarkgroovesabovemyribswhereWill’scleatconnectedwithme.Severalofthe
indentationsarebleedingfromdeepscratches.

“Coach,”JanicecallstoMackafterinspectingmeandproddingmeforamoment.

Macklooksirritatedashegetscloser,butIseehisstepsfalteralittlewhenheeyesthebruising

thatisalreadyevidentonmyskin,aswellastheothercutsandmarks.

“Idoubtthataribhasbroken,butthecutsandbruisingareprettyextensive.Iwanttoseehowshe

feelstomorrowbeforedecidingwhethershecanplayornot.”

MybreathcatcheswhenIconsidertheideaofnotplayingintomorrow’sgame.Mydadis

comingtothegame.HowwouldhereactifhemanagestogetthereandIdon’tevengoonthefield?
Partofmewantstoseethebastardasirateascanbe,buttheotherstillclingstotheideathatwatching
meexcelatsomethingmightmakehimproud.Orattheveryleast,keepmefromincurringhiswrath.

“I,uhm…”Mackstartsbutpauses.“…yeah,wecanwaituntiltomorrowtodecide.”Andagain,

heturnsandwalksawayabruptly.

Janicerollshereyesandgivesmeasweetsmile.

“Somoody,thatone.Keepiticedtoday,alright?Ifyoucankeepthebruisingatbayandyou

don’tswellup,I’llfeelbetterabouttheideaofyouputtingyourbodythroughtheringertomorrow.”

“ThanksJanice,”Ireply,half-heartedly.“Although,Iwon’tbetoofussedifIcan’tplay

tomorrow,sojustmakewhateverdecisionyouthinkisbest.”

Janicefrownsslightly,probablyunsurethatsheheardmecorrectlywhenI’vebeena‘totalbad

ass’forthethreeandahalfyearsshe’sknownme.I’vehadafewsmallinjuriesandhavealways

foughttoothandnailtostayonthefield.

“Sincewhenismybestdecisionthedecisionyouagreewith?”

Ishrug,butJanicekeepshereyestrainedonme,waitingforaresponse.She’salwaysbeenpretty

motherlywithus,eventhoughshe’sonlyinherearlythirties.MyfirstyearplayingforGlendalewas
herfirstyearwiththemen’sandwomen’ssoccerteams,andsherequestedtostaywithusinsteadof
movingwhenitwastimetorotatetofootballorbasketball.Ithinkshesecretlylovesthegirlsthat
startedwithmefreshmanyearandwantedtoseeusallthroughourcollegecareers.

Janicedoesn’tknowaboutmyissueswithmydad.

Well,noteverything.

Duringmyfreshmanyear,IwenthometopickupthelastofmybelongingsonadaywhenI

thoughtmydadwouldbeatwork.

Hewasn’t.

Notonlywashehome,buthewasabsolutelyplasteredandreadytoextracthisragewherever

possible.WhenIreturnedtocampuswithasplitlipandsomeextensivebruisingonmytorso,Iwas
abletoexplainawaythelipprettyeasily.Butmyattempttogetchangedafteragamethatweekwas
anotherstory.

Ihadtakenmytimeuntileveryonestartedtoheadouttothebus,thentriedtochangemytop

reallyquickly.ButJanicewalkedintothelockerroomandsawtheshoeandfistmarksthathadbegun
tofadefromdeeppurpletoayellowishgreen.

Wetalkedforafewminutesaboutit,andItoldherthatthe‘problem’wasn’tapartofmylife

anymore.Ithadbeenthattriphomethatsolidifiedmydecisiontoextricatehimfrommylifeasmuch
aspossible.JeremywasthrilledthatIcutties,althoughheneverknewaboutthephysicalabuse,orthe
horriblethingsthathappenedbeforeIfinallyleft.

Healsodidn’tknowthatIstillcalledmydadeverysooftenonholidays.Hewouldn’tunderstand.

Hell,Idon’tevenunderstand.

“Whydon’tyouwanttoplaytomorrow?”Janiceasks,suckingmebacktothepresentandaway

fromthedramaIwasconstantlytryingtoleavebehind.

WhenIdon’tsayanything,Janiceleadsmeawayfromthegamethat’scomingtoaclose,and

walksmetotheathleticfacilitythathousesheroffice.Onceinsidetheathletictrainingroomjustoff
ofthelockerroom,sheturnstomewithaconcernedlookonherface.

“Jeremymentionedthatyourdadmightbecomingtothegametomorrow.”

Isuckinasharpbreath.I’msurethelookonmyfacedemonstratesmysurprisethatJaniceisin

contactwithJeremy.Iknowthey’vemetbefore,buthadnoideatherewasenoughcamaraderiethat
theywouldbesharinginformation.

“SincewhendoyoutalktoJeremyaboutme?”

“Werunatthesamepark,”shestatesnonchalantly.

“Whydidmydadmakeitintotheconversation?Jeremyhatestalkingabouthim.”

IcanseethatJaniceiswithholdingsomething,butforthelifeofmecan’tfigureoutwhatitis.

“YoushouldtalktoJeremyaboutit.MypointinbringingitupwasjusttotellyouthatIcouldput

youontheinjuredlistifyouwantmeto.Youdon’tevenhavetotravelwithusifyoudon’twanttogo
downtoSanDiego.”

Iglareather.

“Idon’tneedanyonemakingassumptionsaboutmylife,Janice.IfyouthinkIcan’tplay,bench

me.IfIcan,I’llbeonthefieldinmygearwhenthewhistleblows.”

IhopoffofthetableI’dbeensittingon,ignoringthejoltofpaininmyside,andplowoutofthe

room.IthrowthedooropensofastIdon’tseeanyoneinthehallwayandrunsmackintoMack,
sendingmetothegroundwithahardthud.

“Jesus,RJ.”Mackkneelsbesideme,tryingtohelpmeup.

“Getyourhandsoffme,”Igrowlathim,pushinghishandawayandstandingonmyown.

“Ijustwantedtomakesureyouwereokay.”Hisresponse,quietandconcerned,speakstohis

regretforhiscurtwordsonthefield.ButI’mnothavinganyofit.

“Oh,sonowyouwanttoknowifI’mokay?Youknowwhat?Fuck.You.Youneedtosortout

yourshit,Mack,becauseIamsickofthisJekyllandHydecrapyou’repulling.”Ileanincloseand
stareintohiseyes.“Lessthantwentyfourhoursago,youhadmeonmybackandyourtonguedown
mythroat,thenthisafternoonyou’rebarkingatmelikeI’manabsoluteidiot.”Mack’sexpression
rollsbetweenheatedatthereminderoflastnight,andremorsefulathisrecentbehavior.“Don’ttalkto
meagainunlessyouhavefeedbackaboutmygame.”

Ibrushpasthimandprowldownthehallway,tryingtogetawayfromeverythingaboutthis

horrible,horribleday.

*****

Mymoodhasn’timprovedmuchbygametimethenextday.I’mgrouchywithmyteammatesas

weloadintothebusandclaimtwoseatsformyselfsoIdon’thavetotalktoanyone.Instead,Ioptto
glareoutthewindowandblastsomekindofhorriblescreamymusicthatJeremyaddedtomyphone.

Thethree-hourbusridepassesslowly,andmyonlysolaceisthatIatleastdon’thavetobeinan

enclosedspacewithMackfortheride.HedrovedowntoUSDinthemorningforsomesortof
meeting,soit’sjustCoachJohnsonandJanice,alongwiththemen’steamandcoaches,withourteam
onthebus.

I’mlostinthoughtsaboutmydadandtoday’sgamewhenoneofmyheadphonesispoppedout

ofmyear,andThomasplopsdownnexttome.

“How’sthewoundedpartydoingtoday?”

“I’mfine.ButI’mnotinthemoodtotalk,Thomas.”Itakemyheadphoneinhandandbeginto

placeitbackinmyrightearwhenit’ssnatchedoutofmygrip.“Imeanit.I’mnottryingtobeabitch,
butI’mreallynotinthemood.Ineedyoutoleavemealone.”

Thomasnods,holdinghishandoutformetotakebackthesingleheadphone.“Whateveritis,let

meknowifyouwanttotalkaboutit.I’maprettygoodlistener.”Hegivesmeasmallsmile,then
standsandwalksbacktowardsthefrontofthebus.

Myeyesturnbackoutside,butmythoughtsremainonmydad.Whatdramaticswillhepullatthis

game?WhenhecametothefirstgameIstartedinduringmysophomoreyearofhighschool,hekept
screamingthatwewereallabunchof‘fuckingdykes’.Familieswereliterallymovingawayfrom
himinthestands,andIwasmortified.Thatwasthefirsttimesecurityescortedhimout.

Jeremyhaddrivendowntowatchthegame,buttrafficheldhimup,andhegottherelateenough

tomissdad’stirade.HetoldmehewassoproudofmeandhowIplayed,tookmetodinner,andthen
droppedmeoffathome.Hehadtakenashittyday,ashittyfirstgame,andcompletelyturnedaround
myday.

Butthateveningwasthefirsttimemydad’sabuseturnedphysical.

Icamethroughthebackdoorofthehouse,hopinghewouldbepassedoutinthedeninthefront.

AsIcreptthroughthedarkkitchenandroundedthecornertothestairs,hecameoutofnowhere,
wrappinghishandaroundmythroatandslammingmeagainstthewall,knockingthewindoutofme.

“Wherethefuckhaveyoubeen?”

Iclawedathishandasitsqueezedtighter,unabletogetoutthewordstoexplain.Ifeltsuspended

intime,bothsecondsandhoursgoingbyasIremainedpinnedtothewall,unabletobreathe.Inreality
itwasprobablylessthanthirtyseconds.Whenhefinallyletgo,Icollapsedtotheflooronmyhands
andknees,drawinginlarge,shakybreaths.

“Jeremy.”

Inhale.

“Came.”

Inhale.

“Dinner.”

Inhale.

“Youlyingsackofshit.Hedoesn’tgiveashitaboutyou.Youcan’tsneakthispastme.Whichof

thoseboyswereyoufucking?Huh?”

Heemphasizedhislastwordwithaswiftkicktomygut,andIcrumpledintothefetalpositionon

thefloor,cryingoutinpain.Istruggledtogetoutmywords,butfinallymanagedtocatchmybreath
enoughtochokeoutanexplanation.

“Ididn’t.Iswear.Wegrabbedaburger.Ididn’tdoanything.”

“Ididn’taskforyourlip,youfuckingcow.Iknowwhatyougirlsarelike,whoringyourway

throughschool.Howmanyofthoseguys’dickshaveyousucked?Don’tyouknowhowpatheticyou
are?”Hecroucheddownandgrabbedthebackofmyhair,yankingbackuntilhecouldseemyface.
Thescentofalcoholhitmelikeawall.“I’veseenyouwiththem.ButIalsoseehowtheylookatyou.
Likeyou’reworthless,becauseyouare.You’reaworthlesspieceoftrash.”

Withthat,hefinallyletgoofmyhairandstoodup,stumblingbackdownthehallwaytotheden.I

remainedlyingontheflooratthebottomofthestairsforatleastfifteenminutes,curledinaball,
focusingonbreathing.

Maybeyourlifereallyisn’tworthanything,Ithought.Itwasonlyfleeting.Butitwasthere.And

itscaredme.

Thatinteractiondictatedmyeverydecisionfromthereonout.IdideverythingFrankaskedme

to.Inevertalkedback.Inevermadeexcuses.Whenhecalledmeworthless,Iagreed.WhenhesaidI
wasawhore,Ididn’tsayaword,allowinghimtocometowhateverconclusionshewantedto.Ikept
myheaddownwhenIwashomeandstayedoutofhisway.

Itwashorrible.

Itwasdegrading.

ItmademefeelasworthlessasmydadbelievedIwas.

Ilivedthroughthatforanothertwoandahalfyearsbeforeescaping.Ihidthebruisesonmyskin

frommyteammatesinthelockerroom.Ididn’ttellJeremy.

Itwasmyburdentocarry.

ThefactIbelievedanythingmydadsaidiswhatmademethinkIhadtohideit.Somethingabout

theabusewasmyfault,soIhadtodeserveit,right?Itwasn’tuntilmyworldfellapartthatIreally
understoodhowdestructivehisfistsandwordsweretome…andnotjustontheoutside.

Mymemoriesshiftawayfromthepastandbringmebacktothepresent,tothegamelooming

closerasthebusspeedsusalongthefreewaytoSanDiego.

Mypastiscomingback.Ihaven’tseenmydadin-personsincemytriphomeduringfreshman

yearofcollegetocollectthelastofmythings.Hehadbeendrunk,aloneinhischair,staringatthe
TV.WhenherealizedIwashome,hetookhislastchanceatbeatingtheshitoutofme.Ichoose
regularlytopushthatnighttothebackofmymind.I’ddoneeverythingIcouldtoavoidhavingtosee
himagainafter…well,after.

AswepullintotheUSDparkinglot,Istandandstretch,wincingslightlyatthereminderofthe

injuryonmytorso,tryingnottoletmyconcernsandfearsshowonmyface.Igiveasmallsmileto
Erinasshegrabsherbackpackoffoftheoverheadshelfandwalkspastme.Ifollowheroutandgrab
mygearoutofthecarriage,scanningthepeoplewanderingaroundthearea.

Andthat’swhenIseehim,standingoutsideofthegatestothesoccerfield,glaringinmy

direction.

Iquicklyturnmyeyesaway,refusingtoacknowledgehim,andfollowtheteamthroughthe

parkinglottoUSD’sathleticfacilities.Wesplitofffromthementogointotheladieslockerroom,
eachofusthrowingourbagsdownnexttoemptylockerstalls.

Asthegirlsbegintochange,Iheadintotherestroomandintoastall.OnceI’velockedthedoor,

Itakeaseatandbendforward,droppingmyheadbetweenmylegs,willingthecalmnesstoreturn.

MyoldtherapisttoldmethatIamtheonlyonewhogiveshimpoweroverme.Hecan’ttakeit

awayanymore.Iamindependent,andfree.Iamstrongandhecan’ttouchme.Idecidewhogetstoput
theirhandsonmybody,always.

Afterafewdeepbreaths,Istepintothemainlockerroomandbeginchangingwiththeteam.The

wordsofmyteammatesaremuffledinmyears,mymindstillunabletofullyfocusontheimmediacy
ofmysurroundings,insteadstayingfirmlyrootedinmypast.

Thebreathinghelpswithmyanxietyattacks,butnotwithfocus.

IcatchafewcuriousstaresasIstandinthebackofthegroupwhileMackandCoachJohnson

addresstheteam,butIdon’tcatchanyofwhatthey’retellingus.Inodwheneveryoneelsedoesand
followthehootingandholleringgirlsoutofthelockerroomandontothefield,whereIkeepmy
eyesavertedfromthebleachers.

Thegamemovesquickly,andIcan’tstayonpoint.SeveralofmyteammatesaskifI’mokay,and

Ijustnodandgivethemtightsmiles.

Idon’tevenknowthescoreorhowwe’redoingwhenhalftimearrives,apartfromthefactthat

I’veletintwogoalsandbotchedthemajorityofmysavesinonewayoranother.

Asweexitthefieldforhalftime,Idomyselfthedisserviceoflookingupintothestands,

allowingmyeyestoroamthedozensofjovialfriendsandfamilyofmyteammatesandcompetitors.

WhenIspothim,sittingonthebleachersfrontandcenter,apaperbagcoveredbottleclutchedin

hishand,thesamewarwagesinmybrainaseveryothertimethatI’veseenmydadwastedinpublic.

IwanttogotohimandhelphimoutofthestandsandintoacarsothatIcandrivehimstraightto

arehabfacility.ButIalsowanttoslaphim,andkickhim,andscreamathimforhowhehasfailedme
andhurtmeinsomanydifferentways.

Idononeofthosethings,though,asIjogbehindmyteammatestothelockerroom.I’mdrinking

water,leaningupagainstawall,stillmentallycheckedout,whenIrealizeeveryoneislookingatme.

Wipingmymouthwiththebackofmyhand,Iscanthegroup,unsurewhatImissed.

“What?”

“Areyougoingtojoinus?Orareyougoingtocontinuetostareoffintothedistancelikeyou

don’tgiveashitaboutthisgame?”Gina’svoicecutsthroughthegroupandmyeyeswhipinher
direction,whereshestandsnexttoMack.

“Gina,language.”Mack’sresponseisfirmandcontrolled.“Rachel,yourheadisobviouslynot

inthegametoday.I’mpullingyouout.Erin,you’llGKforthesecondhalf.”

Myheaddrops,myeyesstinging.I’veneverbeenpulledmid-game.I’vehadtositoutbefore.

Injurieshappen.ButI’veneverfuckedupandbeenbenched.IhearMackgiveafewencouraging
wordstotheteam,theneveryoneiswalkingoutofthelockerroom,butIsitbrieflyonabench,
staringatmycleats.

“Lookslikethegoldengirlisn’tsoshinyandperfecttoday,”Ihearfromaboveme.Iknowthe

voiceisGina’s.Nooneelsecanpulloffthatparticularbrandofbitchyaswellasher.Ihearherlaugh

beforeshefollowseveryoneelseout.

Aftertakingafewdeepbreaths,Istandandheadbacktothefield,trailingaboutfiftyfeetbehind

everyoneelse.Gettingbencheddoesn’tmeanIgettosulkinthelockerroom.

WhenIarriveonthesidelines,Itakeaseatandtrytogetmyheadinthegame.I’mstillapartof

thisteam,evenifmyworthonthefieldhasbeenminimaltoday.Istillhavetofocusandshow
support.

Butwithinjustafewminutes,itstarts.

MyshoulderstenseinstinctivelywhenIhearthefirstjumbledshoutfromthebleachersjust

fifteenfeetbehindus.Itisn’tincrediblyloud,andIdon’tthinkanyoneonthesidelineshearsit,asI
onlycatchclipsofitmyself.

“…fuckin’pieceofshit…”

“…can’tevenfinishagame…”

Ikeepmyheadstraightforward,refusingtoacknowledgehim,andwhenafewminutespass

withoutanotherword,mymusclesunclenchandIbegintorotatemyneckinanattempttorelax.

Butmyreliefisshort-lived,asitisn’tlongbeforeitstartsagain.Thistime,Icanfeeltheother

players’reactions.Iknowtheyhearthewordsbeingshoutedinourdirection.Iseemanyofthemturn
theirheadsandlookintothestands,tryingtofindthepersonresponsible.Ijustpraytheydon’tknow
thatthejumbledandsometimesincoherentshardsofglassareaimedatme.

“…absolutelyworthless…”

“…comeouthereandyou’renotevenplaying?Couldn’tkeepyourshittogether…”

“…loserdyke.”

AllofthebloodinmybodyrushestomyfaceandIflushinembarrassmentasthehorrible

wordscontinue.IfeellikeI’mclimbingthroughabarbedwirefence.IfIfocusonsomethingelse,I
mightbeabletopushthroughandgettotheotherside,butthemarksleftbehindwon’tfadequickly,
gougingholesuntilI’mbleedingsecretsforeveryonetosee.

Istareblanklyatthefieldwherethegamecontinues,andwillthetearsthatbrimatmyeyesto

keepfromspillingover.ButwhenIheartheslurredshoutofmyname,andIhearseveralgaspsnext
tome,Ifeelthemslipfreeandtraildownmycheeks.

Iremainseatedandstaringblanklyatthefield,refusingtocatchtheeyesofanyofmy

teammates.Idon’tneedtoseetheirfacesawashinpity.SoIglareattheballandallowtherestofthe
worldtoblurawayuntilallIseeisthesmallwhiteandblackorbmovingrapidlybetweenfeet.

Whenthewhistleblows,Ihearmyteammatesshoutingwithglee,butIdon’tevenlookintheir

direction.Iwalkstraightoffofthefieldandintothelockerroomshower.Irinseoffsoquicklythat
I’mfullyclothedinmytracksuitjustastherestoftheteamenterstheroom.IfeeleyesonmeasI
presspastthem,butIwalkquicklyfromtheroomanddownthehalltowardsthefront.HopefullyI
cangetonthebusearlyandstaythereuntilthemen’sgameisover.

Unfortunately,thebusesaren’tinsight,soItakeaseatonaplanterboxandstareintonothing.

“Soyou’resittingoutherelikeafuckingloserbyyourself,huh?”Ihearfrombehindmemaybe

tenminuteslater.

MyhandsclenchintofistsandIcontinuetostareattheground.

“Whydidyoucometoday?”

Myquestionisn’tmorethanawhisper,butIknowhehearsme.Heamblesaroundme,swaying

slightly,andIwonderabsentlywhathappenedtothedrinkinthepaperbag,ashe’snowclutchinga
blackwaterbottlethatisverylikelyhousingJackDaniels.

“Nooneelsecomestoseeyouplay.Ifigured,whynotgoseewhatRachelisreallywastingher

lifeon.Andfuckifitwasn’tanabsolutewasteofmytime.”Hiswordsareaslurrymess.Heleansin
closeandthesmellofliquoroverwhelmsme.“Everythingaboutyouisawaste.”

Istandquicklyandtrytoside-stephim,butmymovementsthrowhimoffbalanceandhetumbles

overtotheground,shoutingoutinpain.Mynaturalinstinctscomeoutinfull-forceandIbendoverto
helphimup,butheshrugsmyhandsoffofhimandrattlesoffastringofcursesandinsultsloud
enoughforthosepassingtohear.

Oncehe’sfinallyrightedhimselfIrestmyhandonhisupperarm.“Areyousureyou’re…”

Butmywordsarecutoffwhenhegrabsmywristandtwists,hard.Ishoutoutalittleinpainand

bendatanawkwardangletoreleasesomeofthepressure,thenwhipmyotherhandaroundandslap
himhardintheface.

Hestepsbackinshock,releasingmywrist,buthiseyesaremurderous.I’veneverhitback

before.

“Hey!”Iheartheshoutfrombehindme,andmyeyescloseindefeat.Iknowthatvoice,anditis

thelastoneIwanttohearrightnow.“Whatthehellisgoingon?”

Ikeepmyeyestrainedontheground,unwillingtolookatMackormydad.Neithermanwould

beabletosootheorassuagethefeelingsofembarrassmentroaringthroughmybody.

“Mindyourownbusiness,kid,”mydadslursout.“Turnaroundandwalkaway.”

“Idon’tthinkso,”Mackresponds.“I’mRachel’scoachandwhateverisgoingonhereisabit

concerning,soifit’sallthesametoyou,Idon’tplanongoinganywhere.”

Hishandcomesupandrestsonmyshoulder.Iknowit’smeantasasignofsupport,butIknow

instinctivelyhowmyfatherwillinterpretthemove.Iveryquicklysteptothesideabitandtwistmy
bodysoMack’shandfallsaway,butnotbeforemyeyesflickerup.Myfather ’sfacehasmaintained
thesameharshness,butithasnowlatchedontoMack’ssmallsignofaffection.Hiseyeslookfrom
me,toMack,andthenback.

“Youworthlesslittleshit,”hefinallysays.“You’respreadingitforyourcoach?Isthattheonly

wayyoucangethimtoputyourdisgustingattemptatplayingsocceronthefield?”

Iignorethecomment,choosinginsteadtofocusonthebestthingtodomovingforward,which

istogetmydadoutofhere.

“It’stimeforyoutogohome,dad.”IsayinthesternestvoiceIcanmuster.

“Yes,Mr.Jameson,Ithinkitistimeforyoutogohome,”Mack’svoicepipesupfrombesideme.

Hesoundslikeice,coldandbrittle.“Infact,wewillmakesureyougettheresafely.”Macksuddenly
takesmyfatherbytheneckandbeginspushinghimforward.

“Getyourhandsoffmeyoulittle…”

“Iwouldn’tfinishthatsentence,sir.RachelandIwillescortyouhome.Now.Anyattemptsto

struggleoutofthisandIwillcallthepoliceregardingyourpublicintoxicationandtheassaultI
witnessedyoucommitagainstMs.Jamesonafewmomentsago.”Whenmyfathersaysnothing,Mack
pusheshimforwardagain.

Ifollowinsilence,unsurewhattodo.PartofmeisembarrassedthatMackisinvolvedinthis

situationatall,thathe’sseenmydadthisway.ButanotherpartofmeisfloodedwithreliefthatIdon’t
havetoshoulderthisoneinteractiononmyown,thatIhavesomeonetohelpme.

Ifeellesslikelytocrumble.

WemakeittoMack’struckandheshovesmydadintothebackseat.Oncethedoorisclosed,I

lookupathimandwhisper,“Youdon’thavetodothis.”

Mack’seyesroamovermyfaceforamoment,butthenhesimplysays,“Getinthetruck,RJ,”

beforeturningandwalkingaroundtothedriver ’sside.

ChapterSeven

Twoandahalfhourslater,we’veleftmydadasleeponthecouchinthelivingroomofthehouse

Igrewupin,andMackisdrivingmebacktoGlendale.Otherthanarguingaboutdrivingmehome
insteadofreturningtoUSDforthemen’sgame,wehaven’tsaidanythingtoeachotherinthepasttwo
hours.Andthereisstillanotherthirtyminutesleftuntilwemakeitbacktotown.

IcanfeelthetensionandfrustrationrollingoffofMackinwaves.Hishandsareclutchingand

releasingthesteeringwheelwithsuchforce,I’msurprisedhehasn’tbeenabletocrackallofhis
knuckles.

Whenmyphonebeginstoring,Ilungeforit,desperateforanythingtoalleviatemyselffromthe

darksilencedrippingfromMack’struck.

“HeyJer,”Isay,myvoicetight.Iwastryingtosoundlight-hearted,butalas.

“HeyRach!Howwasthegame?”Jeremy’swarmvoicewrapsaroundmethroughthephone,

makingmefeelsafe.

“Itwasfine.”

SilencecomesfromtheotherendofthelineandIknowwhat’scomingnext.

“Whatdidhedo?”

Iletoutasigh.

“I’lltellyouaboutitlater,okay?I’malmosthomeandI’llcallyouwhenIgetback.”

“Wait,you’realmosthome?”

“Yeah,Ma…uhm…CoachMcIntoshisdrivingmeback.”

Silenceagain.

“Puthimonthephone.”

“What?No.Look,we’realmostbackandI’lljust…”

“Rachel,putMackonthephone.”

IlookoveratMack,expectinghiseyestobefacingforward.ButIfindhimwatchingme,his

eyessoftastheygobackandforthbetweenmeandtheroad.

Iextendthephonetowardshim.

“It’sJeremy.Hewantstotalktoyou.”

Macktakesthephoneandputsittohisear.

“Heyman,I’mdrivingsomakeitquick.Don’twannagetaticket.”

Ican’thearwhatJeremyissaying,butIcanhearmurmursthroughthephonethatmakeitclear

histoneisfarfromhappy.

“I’llletRJfillyouin,butitwasn’tpretty.Ididn’tfeelcomfortablemakingherwaitaroundand

thenputtingherbackonthebuswitheveryone.Ialreadyhadmycar,soIfiguredI’djusttakeher
home.”

MoremurmuringfromJeremy.IwishsomuchIcouldknowwhathe’ssaying.

“Yeah,soundsgood.Seeyouinabit.”

MackhandsmyphonebacktomeandIputitbacktomyear.

“Hey.”

“Look,Idon’tknowwhathappenedorwhat’sgoingon,butI’mleavingpracticeandI’monmy

waytoyou.Withtraffic,Ishouldbethereabouttwentyminutesafteryougetback.”

“Jer,youdon’thavetocomeover.Icanjustcallyouand…”

“Notnow,Rachel.I’llseeyouinalittleunderanhour.”Andhehangsup.

WhenIpullthephoneawayandlookatthescreen,Icanfeelthetearsbuildinginmyeyesagain,

partlyfromtheconversationandpartlyfromfrustrationthatmyemotionshavebeensohaywireover
thepastweekorso.

Jeremysoundedangry.Therationalpartofmeisawarethathe’smadatourdadandnotme,but

I’mupsetwithhisreaction.Ihaveenoughonmymindanddon’tneedJeremy’semotionsmixingin.

“So,”Macksays,clearinghisthroat,“itseemslikeyouandyourdadhaveacomplicated

relationship.”

Icanfeelhiseyesonme.Icanfeelthedesirecoursingthroughhimtounderstandwhathesaw.

ButIcan’tbringmyselftoreturnhisgazeorgivehimtheinformationhewants,soIkeepmyeyes
outthewindow.

“Yeah.Iguesscomplicatedcouldbeawordusedtodescribeit.”

“Hashe…Imean…itlookedlikehewasgettingalittlebitphysicalwithyou.Isthatsomething

that…or,uhm…doesthathappenalot?”Hiswordsareajumbledmessashetriestotactfullyaskif
I’musedtobeingtossedaround.

Unfortunatelyforhim,thereisn’treallyatactfulwaytoask.

I’munsurehowmuchIwanttoshare,soinsteadofansweringrightaway,Iliftmyfeettoreston

theseatandhugmylegs,tuckingmyselfintomyknees.InasplitsecondIrealizeIamliterally
curlingmyselfintoaballinembarrassment.Ormaybesorrow.

Sharingthispartofmypastisn’tsomethingIdo.Jeremyknowssomeofitbecausehewasthere

growingup.Butthetrueheartofit,theactualphysicalandverbalabuseI’velivedthroughandwhatit
didtome…justtheideaofsharingmakesmystomachtwist.Idon’twantanyonetoknowhow
terribleitwas.Idon’twantMacktoknowwhatmyfatherthinksofmeorthewayshepractically
torturedmeforyears.OraboutwhathappenedbeforeIfinallyleft.

Iletoutasighandkeepmyeyesaverted.Lyingisn’tanoption,butthatdoesn’tmeanIhavetobe

anopenbook.

“It’snotreallysomethingItalkabout.”

He’ssilentfortheremainderofthedrive.

Aswepullupinfrontofmyapartment,I’malreadypreparingmybag,ensuringIcanbeupand

outofthecarasquicklyaspossible.Imumbleaquick‘thanksfortheride’andhopoutassoonaswe
cometoastop.

Iknowluckisn’tonmysidewhenIhearhisdoorcloseandthesoundoffootstepsbehindme

walkingupthepathtomydoor.Myonemistakewasnotkeepingmykeyseasilyaccessible,andI
havetodropmybagtothegroundtodigaroundforthematthedoor.WhenIfinallystandbackup,
keysinhand,myeyeslockwithMack’s.

“Didyouneedsomething?”Iaskinanattempttopushhimbacktohiscarwithoutanymore

conversation.“BecauseI’mreallytiredandjustwanttorelax.”

Hiseyessearchmyface,andIseethemomenthisdecisionismade.

“Yes,Idoneedsomething.Ineedustotalkaboutwhathappenedtoday.BecausewhatIsaw?

Shouldn’tbesomethingyoudon’ttalkabout,RJ.”Heletsoutarushofair,scratchingthebackofhis
headbeforebringinghishandforwardtorubhisfaceinthatwayhedoeswhenhe’snervous.“Ifyou
don’ttalkaboutthethingsyou’reashamedof,you’llnevergetpastthem.”

Myheadjerksbackinresponsetohisstatement.

“Ashamed?”Henods,butstayssilent.“YouthinkI’mashamed?Ofwhatexactly?”

Mackshrugs.

“Idon’tknow.Butwhetheryoudeservetofeelashamedornot,it’simportanttotalkaboutit.

Otherwise,thatshamebecomesyourwholeworld.”

Istaresilentlyathim.Yes,weareabsolutelytalkingaboutme.Butwearealsotalkingabouthim.

Himandhispastandtheaccidentandthefallout.Theparalysisofthewomandrivingtheothercar.
Thecrashandburn,bothliterallyandfiguratively,ofhiscareerandthefuturehehadlikely
envisionedforhimself.

“Likeitbecameyourwholeworld?”

Myquestionissoft,butIknowhehearsit.Hiseyesaresadasheslowlypicksthroughwhatever

hehasofthosememories,shiftingandsorting,tryingtodeterminewhattoshareandwhattokeepto
himself.

“Iruinedseverallivesbecauseofafoolishmistake.AndIhelditinanddidn’ttalkaboutitfor

years,untiltheweightofmyshamebecamelikeavicegrippingmesotightlyIwasafraidmychest
wouldbecrushed.”

“Butitwasn’tyourfault.”

Heexhalesandcrosseshisarmsoverhischest.

“Look,RJ.Iwasdrunk,andsowasmyfriend.Yes,hecrashedthecar.Yes,therewasiceonthe

road.No,weweren’ttheonlypeoplegoingtoofast,whichisoneofthefactorsinthepile-up.But
ultimately,webothplayedapartinwhathappenedtoCherise.”Heswallowshard,appearingtochoke
onhiswordsbeforeforcinghimselftocontinue.“Shewillneverwalkagain.Shewillliveinachair
fortherestofherlife.IfIhadn’tmadeafewpoorchoicesthatledtomeandDarrengettinginthat
car,shewouldgettodothosethings.”

Thesilencebetweenusisheavyasheleanssidewaysagainstmydoor,playingwiththeblack

bandonhisrightwrist.ButbeforeIcanstepinandsayanything,hecontinues.

“Iletmyshameconsumemeuntiltherewashardlyany‘me’left.Whenmysisterfinallytalked

meintoseeingsomeone,itwasliketearingmyinsidesout.Becauseifabonehealsincorrectly,you
havetore-breakittosetitright.Andtalkingaboutwhathappenedwasalmostmorepainfulthan
experiencingit.”

Hepausesandrunshishandsacrosshisface.

“ButIwasfinallyabletosortmyselfout,forgivemyselfandmakeamendsforwhatIdid.

Everyonetalksabout‘movingon’fromthings,asifyoucanforgetandstartover.Idon’tbelievethat
anymore.Now,Ifocusonmovingforward,acceptingthechoicesI’vemadeandtheconsequences
thatcamefromthem,anddoingmybesttolivethekindoflifeI’mproudof.”

Istareathim,overwhelmedwithemotionandunderstandingabouthispast.ButI’mnotsure

whathisstoryhastodowithme.

“Iknowyou’reprobablywonderingwhatthishastodowithyou,”hesays,voicingmyunspoken

question.“RJ,whetherornotyouaretoblameforwhateveryou’vebeenthrough…andletmebe
clearthatIamentirelycertainyouarenot,not,notatfault…thatdoesn’tmeanyouaren’t
experiencingyourownformofshame.Wonderingwhatotherpeoplewillthinkofyouiftheyknow
yoursecrets.Unsureaboutdivingbackintothesourceofthatbrickwallyou’recarrying.Talking
aboutit,andI’mnotsayingyouhavetotalktome,buttalkingaboutitcanhelpyoumoveforward
andnotstayrootedinthepast.”

Onetearslipsfrommyeye,andbeforeIcanmove,Mackhassteppedforwardandwipeditaway

withhisthumb.Hishandrestssoftlyonmycheek,andIgiveintotheurgeandclosemyeyes,leaning
intohistouch.Hestepsforwardandplaceshisotherhandonmyface,bringingourforeheads
together,andforamoment,everythingisforgotten.

Hemovesslightly,bringinghismouthclosetomyear.“You’reprecious,andspecial,andyou

don’tdeservetowalkthroughyourlifecarryingthisburden,”hewhispers,lightlykissingmytemple.

Itakeadeepbreath,inhalinghisscent.Oureyesareclosed,butIfeellikewearereallyseeing

eachother,brokenbitsandall,forthefirsttime.

“Rach?”Ihearfrommyright,andIquicklystepbackandturnmyhead,seeingJeremystanding

atthecurb.HiseyesflickbackandforthbetweenmeandMack.“Everythingokay?”

Iclearmythroatandclutchmykeysmorefirmlyinmyhand.Nodding,Ifinallygetoutaterse,

‘yup’beforeIturnandunlockthedoortomyapartment.

BeforeIwalkthroughthedoor,IlookbackatMack.HiseyesaregluedtomeandIfindmyself

wantingtogetlostinhiseyes.Thosewarm,browndepthsthatmakemefeelsafe.

“Thankyou,Mack,”Iwhisper.“Foreverything.”

AndthenIwalkthroughmydoorandcloseitbehindme.

*****

JeremyisstillnotinmyapartmentwhenIcomedownstairsfifteenminuteslater,post-shower.

EventhoughIshoweredatUSD,IfeltlikeIneededanotherrinsetowashawaytheshittyafternoon.

Imighthavealsowantedtositontheflooroftheshower,becausethat’sprettymuchthebest

placetositandthinkwhenyou’reupset.

WhenIsteptowardsthedoor,Icanhearthemurmuroftheirvoicesoutside.Jeremysounds

angry.Macksoundsapologetic.

Bothofthemmakemewanttorollmyeyes.

The‘emotionaldepths’IwasfeelingaftermyconversationwithMackhavepassed,likely

drippingdownthedrainwithmybodywash.

Thankfully.

AsearnestasMackwasinhisspeechoutside,Itrulydon’twanttotakethetimetosortthrough

themuckofmypast.It’seasiertoshoveitawayandfocusonsomethingelse.

Istrollintothekitchenandpulltheorangejuicefromthefridge.AsIdrinkdownhalfofthe

glass,Ihearthedoorslamclosedandharsh,bootedfootstepsintheentry.Icontinuestaringatthe
fridge,unwillingtolookatmybrotherasheentersthekitchen.

“Pleasetellmeyou’renottotallyfuckingupyourlife,”arenotatallthewordsthatIexpectto

comeoutofhismouth.

Myeyeswhiptohis.

“Excuseme?”

“Youheardme.TellmeIdidn’tseeyououttherewithyourcoach,whobangseverythingin

sight.Tellmeyouarenotriskingyourscholarshipandplaceontheteamforthatpieceofshit.”

Hishandsaregrippingtightlytothekitchenislandseparatingus,hiseyespiercingmewitha

staresointenseandlacedwithfrustrationthatIhaveahardtimenotlookingaway.Histoneisoozing
withabitternastinessIdon’tthinkI’veeverheardfromhimbefore,oratleastdefinitelynotaimed
myway.

Buthiscommentsfuelme.

“Youwannastartthrowingstones,Jer?Isuggestyoutakeanicelonglookattheglasshouseyou

liveinfirst.”

Hescoffs.

“Thisisn’taboutme,Rachel.Thisisaboutyouandwhateveryouthinkyou’redoingwithMack.”

IsettheglassoforangejuicedownontheislandasdelicatelyasIcan,mostlybecauseIdon’t

wanttoriskchuckingitatJeremy’sstupidface.Ilaymyhandsflatontheisland,staringatthegranite
andwillingmyselftoacalmplace.

“Youhavenoideawhatyou’retalkingabout.Sodon’tyoudarecrawluponthehighhorseyou

thinkyoudeservetobeonandbegintojudgeme.”

“Rachel,youaremakingacolossalmistake.Youhavenoideawhatyou’regettingyourself

into.”

“Jeremy,youneedtoquitwhileyou’reahead.Idon’twanttohearyour…”

“Doyouknowabouthistimeinamentalhospital?”

Itakeinadeepbreathandflickmyeyestohisinshock.

“What?”

“Theguyisfuckingcrazy,Rachel.TheChicagoteamreleasedhimfromhiscontractathis

requestwhenhewasinstitutionalized.”

Myinsidesarewarringwithmymind,butIknowJeremyisjustbaitingme.Mackwentthrougha

lotaftertheaccident.Itisn’tourplacetosayhe’scrazy.Wedon’tknowwhatthattimewaslike.

“Whenhefinallygotbackonhisfeetaftertheaccident,hestartedfuckinganypussythatwalked

hisway.I’veneverseenanyonegothroughwomenthewayhedid.Thisonetime,hewasouthere
visitinghissister,andhehadathreesomewithtwostrippers.Atthestripclub.Itwasn’tevenina
privateroom.”

IsuddenlyfeelsicktomystomachandIleanontheislandforsupport.

“Hewasdoingdrugsanddrinkinglikeafuckingfish.Andthenhewasthrownintheloonybin.”

“Ifyouthinksopoorlyofhim,whydidyouhelpgethimthejobatGlendale.”Mytoneisshort,

myteethgrindingtogetherasIgetoutonequestion.

ButIcan’thelpthemillionnewquestionscroppingupinitswake.

“We’veknowneachotherforalongtime.Ithoughtitwouldbeagoodfit,somethingtohelp

himgetbackonhisfeet.ButifIhadthoughtforevenonesecondthatyouandhewouldhavestarted
somethingup,Ineverwouldhavetoldhimathingaboutit.”

IglareatJeremy.I’mupsetathearingaboutMack’shistoryontopofwhatI’vealreadyheard.

Butrightnow,myangerwithJeremyistakingprecedence.

“Youhavealotofnastythingstosayaboutsomeonebedhopping.LikeIsaid,Jer.Youshouldn’t

judgewhenyou’vegotyourownshittoshovel.”

Herollshiseyesandmytemperflaresfurther.“Mylifeisdifferent.”

“Why?!”Iscream.

Jeremyissostartledbymyoutburstthatheactuallytakesastepback.

“Whyisyourlifesodifferentthanmine?OrMack’s?Whydoyougettofuckallofmyfriends,

anddowhateverthehellyouplease,butI’msupposedtobeado-gooder,happypants,innocent
forever?”

Jeremystayssilent,soIcontinue,feelingthepentupangerbegintorolloffofmeinwaves.

“YousleptwithandpissedoffsomanygirlswhenIwasinhighschoolandcollegethatIhada

hardtimemakinganyfriends.Youwouldcallmewhenyouwerewastedandneededaridefrom
whoever ’splaceyouwereat.Soyouwantustostartthrowingstones?Howaboutthis,Jer?Howdare
youfuckmybestfriendafterIspecificallyaskedyoutostayawayfromher!?”Jeremy’seyeswiden
andhisfaceblanches.“Yeah,Ifoundoutaboutthatlittlegemtheotherday.Waytobesuchan
upstandingguy.”

“Rachel,itisn’twhatyouthink…”

“CutthebullshitJeremy.Youdon’tgettoexcuseyourbehaviorwhilevilifyingsomeoneelse.

Mackisimperfect.ButsoamI.Andsothefuckareyou.”

Jeremyletsoutasighandadjustshisweightfromfoottofoot,lookingabitsheepish.Hishand

goesuptohisfaceandpinchesthebridgeofhisnose.

“Thisisn’tthewayIwantedthisconversationtogo.Atall.”

“Yeah,wellneitherdidI.”Istepforward.“I’mtheonewhohadtodealwithdadscreamingout

thatI’maworthlessdykeinfrontofacrowdofpeople.I’mtheonewhohadtodealwiththe
embarrassmentofmycoachandsomeoneIcareaboutseeingdadonthevergeofsmackingme
around.I’mtheonewhohadtobecartedhomelikeachild.Andthenapparently,I’malsotheonewho
hadtobescoldedandreprimandedbyherbrother,whoiswithoutadoubtthebiggestassholeonthe
planet.”

Hismouthdropsopenjustabitinresponsetomycontinuedoutrage.

“DidyoueventhinkaboutwhatitwouldfeelliketohaveyoushoutatmeonthephonewhileI

wasstilldealingwithseeingdad?Howaboutan‘iseverythingokay,Rachel?’oran‘isthereanything
Icando,Rachel?’No.Instead,Igota‘shutup,Ican’tdealwiththis,I’mcomingtocheckuponyou’.
Wellthanks,butnothanks.Idon’twantyourhelp.Idon’twantanythingfromyourightnow.Except
foryoutoleavemethehellalone.”

I’venever,evertalkedtomybrotherthiswaybefore.Andhisreactionisareflectionofthat.He

doesn’tsayanythingforafewminutesasIturnandbeginrootingthroughthecabinetsforagranola
bar.WhenIfinallyturnaroundtolookathim,hisfacehasmorphedintotheperfectionofcontrition.

“I’msorryyouhadtodealwithdadtoday,Rachel.Ican’timaginehowembarrassingitmust

havebeentogothroughthat.”Hiswordsarethoughtful,andmorealongthelinesofwhatIwas
expectingfromsomeonewithaheartlikehis.“I’mgladyouhadMacktheretohelpyouandbring
youhome…makesureyou’reokay.IwishIcouldhavebeentheretodothatforyousoyoudidn’t
feelsoaloneinthis.”

Inod.

“Thankyou.”

“ButIstillthinkthisthingwithMackisamistake.”

Igrowlinfrustration.

“God,Jeremy,whycan’tyoujust…”

“I’mnottryingtomakeyouangry,”hesaysloudlyenoughtointerruptme,puttingbothhands

up.“I’mnottryingtogetinvolvedinyourlifeinawaythatmakesyoufeellikeachild.Ijustwantto
dorightbyyouandmakesureyou’rereallythinkingthingsthrough.Youcouldloseyour
scholarshipandyouwouldn’tbeabletofinishyourdegree.Mackcouldlosehisjob.Thesearenot
insignificantproblems,Rachel.Howareyougoingtocontinueyournew,happylifewithoutajobto
takecareofyourselfifyoucan’tgraduate?”

MynostrilsflareandIcrossmyarms.

“I’vealreadythoughtofthesethings.WhichiswhyMackandIaren’tpursuingarelationship.”

“Really?Couldhavefooledme.Thatsceneoutsidesurelookedlikeyou’vegottenprettyclose.”

Ire-crossmyarmsandcontinuetoglare.

“Weare.Or,wedidgetclose,Iguess.Butwe’renotdoinganythingaboutit.HealreadyknowsI

can’triskanything.”

“Good.I’mgladheknowsthat.Andthatyoudotoo.Butknowingyoushouldn’tdoanything,and

actuallyhavingthefortitudetokeepyourselffromactingonhowyoufeelaretwoverydifferent
things.Ishouldknow.That’swhathappenedbetweenmeandCharlie.”

Hepausesandstepsforward,takingasipofmyhalfemptyglassoforangejuice.

“Ijustwanttomakesureyou’remakingchoicesthatarerightforyou,andnotlettingyourself

getswayedorpulledinadirectionthatcanscrewupyourlife.EspeciallynotforaguylikeMack.”

ChapterEight

Theawesomethingaboutthedayafteragameisthatwedon’thaveconditioninginthemorning,

soI’mabletosleepinuntilmy10amclassonThursday.Theshittythingaboutthisparticular
ThursdayisthatIgetmypsychologytestback,andI’malmostentirelysureIbombedit.Eventhough
Iputalotoftimeandenergyintostudyingforthisparticularexam,Iwasn’tatmybestonTuesday
aftertheexhaustionofthemostmanicMondayI’deverexperienced,andI’mcertainmygradewill
reflectmyemotionalstate.

AsIcrossthequadfromtheparkinglotandmakemywaytowardsthelecturehall,myphone

beepswithatext.Partofmewantstoignoreit,knowingthatI’mnotintherightmoodtotalkto
anyoneinmyliferightnow,butcuriositygetsthebetterofmeandIpullitoutofmybag.My
stomachchurnswhenIseethesender.

Mack:Canwetalk?

HowamIsupposedtoanswerthat?Decidingtoignorethetextanddealwithitlater,Ibeginto

placethephonebackinmybagwhenitdingsagain.

Mack:Iknowthingsareweirdrightnow,butit’simportant

IsitonabenchoutsideoftheMuellerpsychologybuilding,soakinginsomesunwhiledeciding

howtorespond.DoIwanttotalktoMack?Mybrotherpracticallyinsinuatedhewasinsane,although
I’msurethere’smoretothestory.Mackisagoodguywithakindheart.Hecaresaboutme,
regardlessofhispast.Ifhethinksweneedtotalk,Ishouldgivehimthebenefitofthedoubt.

Me:I’mjustabouttostartaclass.Canwemeetafter?

Mack:Sure.Youdoneat11?

Me:Yeah.

Mack:Anyotherclassestoday?

Me:Ihaveabreakfrom11to1.

Mack:Canyouswingbymyoffice?

Me:Sure.

Mack:Thanks.Seeyouinabit.

Iplacemyphoneonsilentandmovequicklyintothebuilding,headinguptothethirdfloor.

WhenIentermyclassroom,IspotPiperinthebackrowwherewenormallysitandmakemyway
towardsher.Itisn’tuntilI’mpullingmynotebookoutthatIcanfeelhergazeonme,andIrealize
she’sprobablybrimmingwithquestionsaboutmydad’ssceneatthegameyesterday.

Withoutlookingather,Iletasoftstatementcrossthespacebetweenus.

“Iwouldreallyappreciateitifwecanjustnottalkaboutit.”

ThirtysecondspassbeforePiper ’shandreachesoutandshesqueezesmine.Idon’tlookather,

butIseeherpulloutherlaptopandbeginfiddlingaroundonFacebooklikeshenormallydoes.Afew
moreminutespass,andIhearherwhisper,“DidIevertellyouaboutthetimeGinashitherpants
duringagame?”

Myeyesflytohers,myshockevidentonmyface.

“Serious?”

Piperletsoutacontainedlaugh.ALosAngelesnative,sheandheroldersister,Peri,wenttohigh

schoolwithGinainLagunaBeach.

“Nojoke.ItwasGina’ssenioryear,soIwasstillonthefreshmanteam.Herfamilywasdoing

someweirdjuicecleanseorsomething.Coachtoldhersheneededtoeatdifferentlyandsheignored
him.Saidher‘holisticnutritionist’guaranteedamoreathleticbodyorsomeshit.”

“Please,pleasetellmeeverydetailofthisstory,”Iwhisper,acrookedgrinplasteredonmyface.

Piper ’ssmilekeepsgettingwiderasshecontinues.

“PerisaidthatGinawasintheprocessofkickingtheballwhensheheardaloudfartandsaw

Ginafreeze,thengrabherass.”

Tearsareliterallystreamingdownmyface.I’veneverbeenonetorevelinsomeoneelse’sshit,

nopunintended,butGinaissuchadicksometimesthatthisopportunityistoogoodtopassup.

“Sheranoffthefieldandstraighttothelockerroom.Shetookaweekoffofschoolandthenhad

aweekoffforThanksgiving.Ithinkshewashopingnoonewouldhearaboutitoreveryonewould
forgetifshewasgoneforlongenough.ButPerisaidnooneletherliveitdownfortherestofthe
season.Havingthelastname‘Brown’alsodidn’thelpthesituation.Shelikestopretendpeoplecalled
her‘Brownie’inhighschoolbecauseshewas‘sosweet’,butthat’scompletebullshit.”

I’mlaughingfullout,myfaceburiedinmyarmsonmydeskasmybodyshakesviolently.When

Ilookup,Icatchafewglaresfromthestudentsaroundus,mostofthemfreshmen.Theprofessor
isn’tevenhereyet.Theyneedtorelaxandletmeenjoythisfleetingsenseofelation.

“Ohmygod,”Isay,wipingmyeyesandtakingdeepbreaths.“Thankyoufortellingmethat.

You’vecompletelyredirectedmyday.”

Pipersmilesatme.

“Everyonehastheirownshittydays,”shesays.“Somejusthaveonesmoreobviousthanothers.”

Andwiththat,shegoesbacktoherFacebookpage.

Iwatchherforaminute,myheartswellingwithhowsweetsheis.Iwasalittleworriedatthe

startoftheyearwhenIrealizedIhadtoenrollinPsychology101asasenior.ButGeneralEducation
Requirementsareactuallyrequired,hencethename,soIdidn’thaveanoption.Iwasthrilledtosee
myyoungteammatewhenIenteredtheclassroomthatfirstday,andwe’vesatnexttoeachother
everyTuesdayandThursday,withoutfail.

Piperisnewtoourteamthisyear,afresh-faced,18-year-oldwithakillerlegandanamazing

senseonthefield.IgiveitanothertwogamesbeforeMackseesherpotentialandputsherinasa
starter.Herforceonthefielddoesn’ttranslatetoreallife,though.Shehasahugeheartandis
incrediblysensitive.HerstoryaboutGinaisherwayoflettingmeknowshedoesn’tjudge,andshe

foundafunnywayofbreakingdownwhateverbarrierIthoughtIwouldneedtoputupbetweenus.

Ileanoverandgiveheranoisysmoochontheforeheadjustasourprofessorwalksinthedoor.

“Thanks,Pipe,”Iwhisper,thenleanbackinmychairandturnmyattentiontothefrontofthe

room.

Anhourlater,ProfessorNguyenhasjustfinishedgivingusourhomeworkfortheweekend

whenhepullsasheetofpaperoutfromhisbriefcase.

“Asallofyouknow,Ipridemyselfonreturningexamgradesintheclassdirectlyfollowingthe

exam.”Themomentheindicateshehasgradesinhishand,theclassroombecomescompletelysilent.
“I’veorganizedyourgradesbystudentIDnumber.Iwillbepostingthemontheboardbythedoor.
Pleasecheckitonthewayout,andfeelfreetoswingbyduringmyofficehoursifyouhaveany
questions.Haveawonderfulweekend,everyone.”

Thestudentssittinginthefrontmakeamaddashafterhimashestepsoutofthedoor,andIcan

hearafewgroansandsubduedcheersofexcitement.Pipermentionssomethingaboutseeingmeat
practiceandboltstotheboard,whileIpackmybelongingsandtrudgeslowlydownthestepstowards
thedoor,asifbymovingslowlyIcanchangemyfate.WhenIfinallymakeittothedoorway,almost
everyonehasalreadymadeitoutoftheroom,andstudentsfromtheclassafteroursarealready
tricklingin.

Itakeadeepbreathandletmyeyesscanthepaperbythedoor.I’mcurrentlyonacademic

probationbecausesecondsemesterlastyearImissedtheGPAminimumformyscholarship.Ihada
2.9,andtheminimumisa3.0.MyacademicadvisorandIhaveaveryclearplanforthissemesterin
place,anditdoesn’treallyallowforanydeviationorelseI’lllosemyscholarshiponesemesteraway
fromgraduation.

PsychologyistheonlyclassI’mallowedtogetalowgradein,sinceI’malmostguaranteedA’s

andB’sinmyothercourses,butIstillhavetopass.SowhenIspottheC-nexttomyIDnumber,my
stomachturnsover.IneededatleastaB-.I’mnotfailingpsych,butI’veheardoverandoverthat
ProfessorNguyen’sfinalsarethehardestinthedepartment.

MyadvisorandIagreedthatIwillneedtomakeaCorbetteroneverythingsothatmyinevitable

horriblegradeonthefinalwon’truineverything.MylastfewgradeshavebeenintheC-range,so
I’mstillcurrentlysafe.ButI’mnotreallysettingmyselfupforanyflexibilityonthefinal.

Withtheweightofmygradejustanotherworryonmymind,Ibeginmytrekacrossthecampus

towardstheathleticfacility,noteageratalltoseeMackoraddanythingelsetomylistofconcerns.

*****

WhenI’mjustoutsideofMack’soffice,Itakeamomenttopeerthroughtheopendoor.He’s

standingathisonesmallwindow,lookingoutside,seeminglylostinthought.Hishandsaretucked
intothepocketsofhistanslacks,hisstancerelaxed.It’sinthismomentthatIrealizeI’mseeinghim
thiswayforthefirsttime,asayoungprofessional.

He’sinabluebuttondownshirtanddressshoes,hisslightlytoolonghairjustashadedarker

thannormal,hintingatthegelhe’slikelyusedtokeepitfromdisarray.Heshiftswherehestands,his
righthandcomingouttoscratchhisjaw.Hishandrubsbackandforthafewtimes,asifthismotion
canalleviatewhateverweightsitsonhisshouldersorsolvetheproblemonhismind.

It’sthatbackandforthmotionthatreflectshistruementalstate.Hisstance,thatatfirstappeared

easyandcasual,nowappearstautandtense.Hisarmandbackmusclesflexashishandmovesfrom
hisfacetogripthebackofhisneck.

Iknocklightlyonthedoorframe,ignoringmydesiretocontinuestaringathimwithout

interruption.Hisheadwhipstowardsme,hishandfallingfromhisnecktorestathisside.

“Hey,”istheonlythingIcanthinktosay,andIofferhimasmallsmile.“Youwantedtoseeme?”

Forjustabriefsecond,Iseesomethingflickeracrosshisface.ButjustasquicklyasIseeit,it’s

gone,andIdon’thavethetimeormentalfortitudetodecipherit.

“Yeah,thanksforcoming.”Hestepsawayfromthewindow,movingtowardsmeatthedoor.

“Comeonin.Takeaseat.”

HeclosesthedoorbehindmeasIdropintothepleatherchairacrossfromhisdesk.Wasitjust

threedaysagothatItookaseatinthisveryspotandstumbledthroughourfirstconversationwith
Mackasmycoach?Itfeelsmorelikethreemonthshaspassed.

“Yousaiditwasimportant,”Isaytohim,poppingmyleftankleontomyrightknee.

ThewayIsitis‘unladylike’,accordingtoabunchofpeopleIdon’tcareabout.Butit’s

comfortable,andsomethingtellsmeIneedtotrytobecomfortablerightnow,andladylikeisn’t
reallymystyleanyway.

“What’sup?”

“Acoupleofthings,actually.”Histoneisprofessional,whichinstantlyallowsmetorelax.

Thankgod.ThelastthingIwanttodoisrehashourconversationatmyapartmentyesterday.Orhis
moodybehavior.Orourkiss.Scratchthat…twokisses.Thosethingsneedtojustremaintabootopics
thatwedon’taddress.

“Okay,shoot.”

Mackclearshisthroatandstaresatme,hiseyesassessing.“Iwantyoutobeanunofficialcoach

forsomeofourupcomingpractices.”

Myheadjerksbackinsurprise,myeyesnarrowinginconfusion.“Youwantmetowhat?”

Hisreplyistotilthisheadandtaphispenafewtimesonthepadofpaperinfrontofhim.Hesits

backinhischairandcrosseshislegsinawaythatmirrorsmine.

“IsaidthatIwantyoutobeanunofficialcoachforafewpractices.”

“That’swhatIthoughtyousaid.ButIdon’tunderstandwhy.”

“Youtoldmeyouwanttobeacoachsomeday.Icantellyoufrompersonalexperiencethat

gettingacoachingjobwithoutanyexperiencecanberough.Thisway,CoachJohnsonandIcan
providesomecritiquethatwillallowyoutohavesomereflectiveexperiencestodrawfrominthe
future.

Hisofferissothoughtful,andsosupportive,thatmymouthdropsopenandIcan’tthinkof

anythingtosay.

“AftertheCalgamenextweek,wehaveabyeweek.I’llgiveyoumynotesaboutthethingsI

wantustostayfocusedonforthepracticeswehavebetweenCalandthenextgame.I’llexplaintoyou
howandwhyIlayoutpracticestructuressoyoucanpiecethingstogetherasyouthinkisbest.”His
voiceiscalm,histonealmostteacher-like.“Ithinkthiscouldbereallygood.”

Icontinuetojuststareathim.IfIwanttocoachsomeday,thiswillbeanamazingopportunity.

WhichiswhatIshouldbefocusedon.ButinsteadIamtryingtowrapmymindaroundtheamazing
considerationandinvestmentMackismakinginmylife.

Suddenly,IrealizethatI’mnoddingwithoutsayinganything.

“Sure,”finallyburstsfrommymouth.“Icandothat.Thankyousomuch.”

Macksmiles,then,andforabriefmoment,I’mlostinit.Howitlightsuphisfaceandeyes.

“Great!I’mexcited.CoachJohnsonthinkssomeofmyphilosophiesarealittlenuts,soitwillbe

goodtohavesomeoneIcanlaughwithonthesidelinestherewithme.”

Mylaughissmall,butgenuine.“Well,I’lldefinitelybelaughingatyou.”Myphonestarts

buzzingandIdropmyeyestothebagatmyfeet.

“Youneedtogetthat?”

“Yeah,sorry.”Ibendforwardandsnagmyphonefromthefrontpocket,flickingthescreento

seeamissedcallfromThomas.“Missedit.I’llcallhimbacklater,”Isayoutloud,moreformyself
thanhim.

“Jeremy?”

Ishakemyheadandlookbackathimaftermyphoneisdroppedbackintomybag.“No,

Thomas.”

There’sabriefpauseandhiseyebrowsdrawtogether,buttheyquicklysmoothbackout.

“Moore?”Inod.Mackpickshispenbackupandbeginstappingitagain.Heclearshisthroatonce.
Thentwice.

“Yousaidtherewereafewthingsyouwantedtotalkabout?”

Heshiftsinhischair,hisdiscomfortclear.

“Look,RJ,IknowI’myourcoach.ButIobviouslycareaboutyou,”hestarts,andIknowhe’s

movingawayfromtheprofessionalchatterandontothepersonal.SomethingIdon’twanthimtodo.
“Well,atleastIhopeit’sobvious.Imean,nottoeveryoneelse,buttoyou.”Heclearshisthroatagain.
“Ijustwantyoutoknowyoucantalktome.Aboutanything.”

Hiseyesonmefeellikelasers,asifhe’stryingtoburrowhimselfundermyskinandintomy

DNA.Idon’tsayanythingtohim,justnoddingathiswords.

Helooksawaythen,hisfingersnowtwistinghispennervouslyinthatwaydrummerstwisttheir

drumsticks.

“Istillwantyoutocomewithmetothefootballgametomorrownight,”hesays,hisvoice

slightlyaboveawhisper.Whenhiseyescutbackuptomine,headds,“justasfriends.”

Ilickmydrylipsandsoftlychewontheinsideofmycheek.

“Arewefriends,Mack?”

Heexpelsaheavybreath,droppinghispenandrunningbothhandsthroughhishair,causingthe

smootheddownpiecestostickupslightlyindisarray.

“I’dlikeustobe.JustbecauseI’myourcoachdoesn’tmeanwecan’tcareabouteachother.

Spendtimetogether,onoccasion.Wecanfigureitout.”Whenmyheadfallstothesideabitandmy
eyesnarrowathisnaivety,hesmilessheepishly.“Okay,somaybebeingactualfriendsispushingit.
But,there’ssomeoneIwantyoutomeet.Atthegame.”

“Who?”

Hejustshakeshisheadslightly.

“Willyoucome?”

Iassesshimfromacrossthedesk.Ithasn’tescapedmynoticethathe’sgrippinghispentightly,

asifmyresponsereallymeanssomething.Hemustreallywantmetogotothisgame.

Isigh.

“WhattimeamImeetingyou?”

HisfacebloomsintothatgrinIlovesomuch,andIimmediatelywonderifI’mmakingahuge

mistake.

ChapterNine

TheAtwaterHighSchoolparkinglotispackedwhenIpullinandIspendnearlytenminutes

scoutingforaspace.OnceI’vepulledinattheendofthelot,IsitinTrustyRustyforafewminutesin
anattempttocalmmynerves.Idon’tunderstandwhyMackwantsmetobehere.Butevenworse,I
don’tunderstandwhyIwantmetobehere.

It’sabadidea.

Andyet,Ifindmyselfslippingfrommycar,tuckingmycardandkeysintomyfrontpocketand

myphoneintomyback,andwalkingtowardsthestadiumentrance.

Iseehimalmostimmediately,leaningagainstthechainlinkfencethatseparatestheparkinglot

fromthefield,andmybreathcatches.He’sindarkwashjeansandagrayhenley,thesleevespushed
upslightlytorevealhisforearms.Hishairisloosetoday,theendscurlingslightlybehindhisears.In
aword,helooksphenomenal.Hiscasualstancerestingagainstthefencemakeshimlooklikea
model,andasIcontinuetowalktowardshim,Iseeagroupofhighschoolgirlsgiggleandsmileas
theywalkpast.

Herunsonefingerabsentmindedlyunderthatsameblackwristband,thenslipshisphoneout

fromhisbackpocket,checkingthescreen.He’stuckingitbackintohisjeanswhenhelooksupand
seesmeapproaching.Icouldn’tseehiseyesfromfartheraway,buttheyaregluedtomeasIget
closer.IseethemflickfromthesignatureredChucksonmyfeet,overmyfavoritepairoffaded
jeans,tolingeronmyblackscreenprintteethatsays‘FriesBeforeGuys.’Whenhiseyesfinishtheir
shamelessperusalofmybodyandfinallyreachmyface,mystomachflipsandmycheeksburn.

“Mack,”Isay,asIcometoastopjustanarm’sdistanceawayfromhim.

Iinternallycursemyselfattheslightlybreathytoneofmyvoice.Iclearmythroatandglance

aroundnervously.Idon’tthinkI’llknowanyonehere,butthegoody-two-shoesinsideissecretly
terrifiedthatsomeonewillseeustogether.

Hestepsawayfromthefenceandrestsahandonmyarm.“RJ,youlook…”hetrailsoffand

removeshishand,runningitthroughhishair.“I’mgladyoucame.Readytogoin?”

Inodonce,andfollowhimasheleadsthewaytotheentrance.Hepassestenbuckstoawomanat

atableinfrontoftheentrance,palmsthetwoticketsandreachesanarmbacktoushermefirst
throughthegate.

Oncewe’reinside,heslipshishandintomine,twistingourfingerstogether.Myeyestravelto

ourhands,thenuptohisface.Buthedoesn’tlookatme,insteadjustgivingmyhandasmallsqueeze
andleadingmeforwardtothebleachers.

We’retenminutesintoafairlydecentgameofhighschoolfootballbeforeeitherofusspeaks.

Anditisn’tmypansyassthatbreaksthesilence.

“Idon’twantthingstobeawkward.”

Ikeepmyeyestrainedonthefield,followingthesnapandquickhandoffwithtoomuchfocus.

Whentherunningbackistackledtotheground,Ilookdownatmyshoesrestingonthebleacher
below.

“Meeither,butIdon’tknowhowtofixit.”

“Well,”hestarts,leaningforwardandrestinghisarmsonhisknees,claspinghishandstogether,

“maybetalkingaboutitwillhelp.Youknow,geteverythingoutintheopen.Wecangetonthesame
pageandhopefullystartover.Orsomething.”

Inod.“Okay,youfirst.”

WhenIglanceover,Iseehimsmilingslightly.“Chicken.”

Ismileback.“Yup.I’maschickenasitgets.”

He’ssilentforamoment,likelycollectinghisthoughts.TwomoreplaysgettheAHSteam

withinfieldgoalrange,buttheirkickermisses,andthere’sagroanfromthecrowd.

“Ilikeyou,RJ.”Hisstatementstartlesme,andsuppressingmysmileisnearlyimpossible.“Ilike

youalot.AndIknowIsaidweshouldbefriends,butIdon’twanttojustbefriends.You’resmart,and
funny.IlaughalotmorewithyouthanI’velaughedwithanyoneinalong,longtime.Andyou’re
beautiful.Like,stopmeinmytracksgorgeous.”

Ilookathisprofileandseehimswallowhard.

“IhatethatI’myourcoach.AndIhatethatthetimingiswrong.Butmorethanthat,Ihatethat

you’veclosedyourselfofffrommeoverthepastweek.IfeltlikeIgottoseetherealyouatJeremy’s
partyandonourdate,butthatisn’twhotalkstomeanymore.Thewomanatpracticeandthewoman
sittingnexttomenowarenotthewomanwhobeatmyassonthego-kartsandcallsmeIndy.Ireally,
reallylikethatwoman,andI’mafraidI’mnevergonnaseeheragain.”

Afteranotherminuteortwo,hestandsup,andI’mworriedhe’sleavingsinceIhaven’tsaid

anythingback.

“I’mgonnagrabusasnack.Wantanythingspecific?”

Ishakemyheadandgivehimasmallsmilebeforeheturnsandwalksdownthebleachersteps

towardstheconcessionstand.AsIwatchhisshapedisappeararoundacorner,Iallowmyblankmind
tobeginsortingthrougheverythinghejustsaidtome.

Firstofall,hishonestykillsme.TheguysI’vegoneondateswith,notthattherehavebeenmany,

havealwaysseemedevasive.Asifgettingthemtosharetoomuchwouldbepushingtoofar.

Andthentherearetheactualwordshesaid.Yes,hecalledmebeautiful.Buthisfirstwordswere

aboutmymindandmyhumor,thingsthatarefarmoreimportantinarelationshipthanlooks.His
commentshitthemarkwhenhesaidI’mnotmyselfaroundhim.Whichmakesmesad,becausefor
thefirsttime,IfeellikeI’vemetsomeonewhoactuallygetsmeandmakesmefeellikebeingmyself
issomethingspecial.

WhenMackgetsback,he’scarryingasodaandasmallboxofpopcorn.Hehandsthepopcornto

meandpullsabagofM&Msfromhisbackpocketbeforehetakesaseat.

“Youremembered,”Iwhisper.

Hejustnodsandtakesasipofthesodabeforeplacingitonthebenchbetweenus,allowinga

comfortablesilencetopassforafewmoments.

“Youscareme,”Isay,loudenoughthathecanhearmebutsoftenoughthatwedon’thaveany

eavesdroppers.

Hisheadjerksslightlyashetakesinmywords.“Iscareyou?”Icanhearinhistonethatmy

wordshavehurthim,andIknowinstantlythatIneedtoclarify.“Isthisbecauseofwhathappenedwith
yourdad?Orbecauseofthekissinyourhouse?IswearIwasn’ttryingtopushyoutoofar,Ijust…”

“No!”Isayemphatically.“No,no,no.That’snotwhatImean.”

“Well,canyoutellme?BecauseIwanttomakeyousmileandlaughandfeelhappy.Thelast

thingIwanttodoisscareyou.”

HissweetnessimpressesuponmehowimportantitisthatIgetthisright.Heneedsit.Ineedit.

“YouscaremebecauseIbarelyknowyou,andIfeellikeI’mfallingforyouharderthanIever

thoughtwouldbepossible.”

Whenhiseyesflytomine,IswearIfeelacurrentofelectricityshootbetweenus.

“Ireallylikeyoutoo,Mack.AndtrustmewhenIsaythathavingfeelingsforsomeoneisnot

somethingthathappenstome.Ever.ButwhenI’mwithyou,IalternatebetweenfeelinglikeIcan
breathedeeper,andwonderingifIwilleverbeabletocatchmybreathagain.Iwanttoknow
everythingthereistoknowaboutyou,butI’mscaredthatwhenyouseemybroken,you’llturnaway.
I’mafraidthatthewrongpersonisgoingtobeabletoseehowIlookatyou,orknowhowIfeel
whenyou’rearound.AndI’mscaredthatthisfeelingisallonme,likethisconnectionIfeelwithyou
issomehowinmyimagination.ThatiswhatImeanwhenIsayyouscareme.Iamnotapersoneasily
scaredbymuch,butIamterrifiedofyou,andme.Ofus.”

Wehaven’tlookedawayfromeachotherthrougheverythingIjustsaid,andwatchinghisface

whileIspokemademefeelnaked.Vulnerable.ButIfeellikesomethinghaspassedbetweenus.
Somethingrare,andtrue.Hiseyesarebright,hislipsquirkedupinthetiniestsmile.

Whenhereachesbetweenusandtakesmyhandinhis,Irelishinthewarmththatsinksintomy

skin.Mackliftsmyhandtohismouthandrestsasoftkissonmyknucklesbeforereleasingmeand
turninghisheadbacktothefield.

WepassthepopcornandM&Msbackandforthbetweenus,notsayingawordastheplayerson

thefieldtrudgebackandforth.Whentheclockfinallyrunsdown,theteamrunsoffthefieldfor
halftime,replacedquicklybytheschoolbandandcolorguard.WhenMackstands,Iassumehe’s
goingtothebathroomorconcessionsagain,buthetakesmyhandandpullsmetostand.

“Comeon,”hesays.“ThisiswhyIaskedyoutobeheretonight.”

Heleadsmedownthebleachersandtowardsconcessions,butstopsattheswagtablethatlooks

likeblueandgreenmonstershavethrownupalloverit.Foamfingers,streamers,t-shirts,sweaters,
beanies.Myhighschooldefinitelydidn’thavethiskindofgear.

“Mack!”Acheerfulvoicefrommyleftdrawsmyeyesfromthetableitselftothewomansitting

behindit.“Hey,sweetie!”Mackreleasesmyhandandwalksaroundthetable,bendingovertogive
herahug.“Ididn’trealizeyouwerecomingtonight.Deanwillbesoexcitedtoseeyouafterthe
game.”

She’sinherforties,withbrightblueeyesandshort,choppy,chocolatehair.She’sabsolutely

beautiful,andIwonderhowsheandMackknoweachother.Apartfromsimilarhaircoloring,there
doesn’tseemtobeafamilyresemblance.

“YouknowIlovewatchingDeanplay,”Macksays,hissmileeasyandhiseyeswarm.“SorryI

couldn’tmakeitlastweek.Iwastalkedintowatchingagameoveratmybuddy’splace.”

“Ah,wellfriendshipisimportant.AndDeanknowsyoucan’tmakeittoeverygame.”She

reachesoutherhandandplacesitonhisarminareassuringgesture.

“Well,Idomybest.”Heshrugsslightly,hisgrinstilllightandeasy.“Iwantedyoutomeet

someone,”hesays,hiseyesliftingtomine.“ThisisRachelJameson.Rachel,thisismyfriend
Cherise.”

Shebeamsatme.“HiRachelsweetheart.Sonicetomeetyou.”Sheleansforwardoverthetable

andholdsoutherhand.Istepforwardtotakeit.

“Nicetomeetyou,too.”Ismilebackatherbecause,well,becauseIcan’tnot.Shehasthoselines

nexttohereyesthatalwaysmakemehappy.

WhenIwasreallyyoung,beforesheleftus,Iusedtositandwatchmymomputonhermakeup.

Sheusedtopullatherfaceandmakecommentsaboutherwrinkles.“Becarefulhowmuchyou
smile,”shewouldsay.“There’snoriddingyourfaceoftheselinesoncethey’rethere.”

Thatalwaysstruckmeasstrange,andasIgrewup,evenwithmyshittylife,I’vealwaysbelieved

thatthelittlecrowsfeetpeoplegetnexttotheireyesfromsmilingsomuchareagoodthing.Itmeans

they’velivedalifewheretheylaughalot,theysmilealot.Hopefullythey’velovedalot.AndI’lltake
thatoverasmoothfaceinmyfortiesandfiftiesanyday.

Cherisehasthoselinesnexttohereyes.SoIcontinuetobeambackather.Hersmileis

infectious,andshelookslikeoneofthehappiestpeopleintheworld.

“Howdidyoutwomeet?”Cheriseasks,lookingupatMackandsnappingmebacktopresent.

“Wemetatmybuddy’sforthegamelastweek,”heresponds.

“Introducingyoutoabeautifulgirl?Soundslikeagreatfriend,”shesays,hervoicebrightand

happy.

Icringeinternally,thankfulthatneitherCherisenorMackareawareofthethingsJeremysaidto

meatmyapartmentafewdaysago.

“Well,wedidn’twanttotakeuptoomuchofyourtime.IjustwantedtoswingbywithRachel.

Butwe’llmakesuretosayhitoDeanbeforewetakeoffafterthegame.”Macklooksaroundasif
he’slostsomething.“WhereareTheoandMax?”

Cheriselaughs.

“Probablyrunningrampantaroundtheparkinglotlikethefoolstheyare.”Shelookstome.

“Twinsarealottohandle.Sometimesit’seasiertojustletthemflyarounduntiltheytirethemselves
out.”

Ilaughaswell.

“Howoldareyourkids?”

“Well,Deanis16.He’stheoneplayinginthegame.AndTheoandMaxare14goingon3.”I

laughagain.“Whatareyougonnado?”SheshrugslightlythenlooksbackuptoMack.“Goodtosee
you,sweetie.”Sheliftsherarmsandhebendsdownforanotherhug.Whensheturnsbacktome,she
says,“ItwasgreatmeetingyouRachel.”

“Youtoo,”Isay,liftingmyhandtoshakehersagain.

Butshewavesherhandwildlyinfrontofherself,asiftosay,putyourhandaway.

“Ifyou’refriendswithMack,I’msurewe’llbefriendsaswellsoonenough.Come‘roundhere

andgivemeaproperhug.”

IsteparoundthetableandmyeyesflyimmediatelytoCherise’swheelchair,whichIhadn’tseen

behindthetable.Iquicklycatchmyself,raisingmyeyesbacktohers,suretokeepthegenuinesmile
onmyface.Ileandownandgiveherahug.

“He’sakeeper,”shewhispers.“Andifhelikesyou,Ibetyouaretoo.”WhenIstepback,herface

hasasmallsmile,asifsheknowsasecret.“I’llseeyouagainsoon,Rachel.”

Inodmyhead,thenfollowMackawayfromthetableandbackuptothebleachers.

*****

“HeyMack!”

Ateenagerinfulluniformcomesbarrelingtowardsusafterthegame.Icanonlyassumeit’s

Dean,andmyheartsingswhenthetwoembraceinafullhug,Mackleaningovertheshortfence.IfI
remembercorrectly,guysinhighschoolaren’tbigonhugs.ButwhenDeanstepsoutofthehugand
looksupatMack,Icanclearlyseetheadmirationinhiseyes.

“Awesomejob,man,”Mackresponds,clappingDeanontheshoulderpads.“Proudofyou.”

“Thanks!Hey,I’mheadingtograbburgerswithsomefriends.Westillonfortomorrow?”

Macknods.

“Absolutely.I’llpickyouupatfour.”

“Sweet.Later!”Deanjogsbackalongthefieldinthedirectiontherestofhisteammates.

“Readytogo?”Mackasks,andbeginstoleadmeouttotheparkinglot.“Whereareyou

parked?”

“Intheboonies,”Isay,withahintofalaugh.“IthinkImayhavebeenthelastonehere.”

WecontinuetowalktowardsTrustyRusty,thesilenceatoncebothcomfortableandalightwith

underlyingtension.

AftermeetingCherise,we’dwalkedbacktothebleachersandspentmostofthegamejust

watching,notreallytalkingapartfromcommentingonthegame.ItseemedlikeMackwasn’treadyto
talkaboutit,eventhoughIwasfairlycertainthatCherisewasthewomanfromhiscaraccident.I’d
beenburstingwithquestions,butdecidedtoletMackleadtheconversationathisownpace.Thatpace
justhappenedtobestandingcompletelystill,becausehehadn’tsaidawordaboutitfortheentire
secondhalfofthegame.

Whenwegettomycar,Mackwhistles.

“Wow.Didn’trealizeyouweredrivingalegend.”

Ilaugh.

“Yeah,well,shewaswhatIcouldaffordwhenIgottocollege.”Irunmyhandalongthetop.

“Butshe’smybaby.JeremyandIfixedherupandsherunsgreat.”Ilookbackupathimwithasmile.
“Nothinglikethatswanktruckofyours,though.”

“Nah,mytruck’snothingspecial.JustaridewhenIneedone.”

Inod.Whenhedoesn’tcontinue,Itakethatasmycueandpullmykeysfrommypocket.

“Alright,well,I’mgonnaheadoff..”

“Youdidn’taskmeaboutCherise.”Hisexpressionshowshe’snotangryorupset,justconfused.

Ishrugandtwiddlethekeysinmyhand.

“It’syourstorytotell.Ididn’twanttopry.”Hedoesn’tsayanything,justcontinuestoassessme.

“Ifigureshe’simportanttoyou,sinceyoutalkedmeintowatchingtwohoursofhighschoolfootball
soIcouldmeetherforfiveminutes.”

Iwanttoaskmorequestions.Howlonghavetheyknowneachother?DidhemovetoCalifornia

tobeclosertoherfamily?Howaretheyonspeakingtermswhenheplayedapartinhercurrent
wheelchair-boundstate?Butasthestreaminmyheadcontinues,Ikeepmyverbalfilterfirmlyin
place.

Mackexhalesloudly,restinghishandsonhiships.Helooksaround,thenturnstoleanbackon

mycar,lookingoutattheemptyingparkinglot.

“Iwentthroughsomestuffaftertheaccident.Somepersonalstuff.AssoonasIgotmyheadon

straight,Itrackedherdown.Imetherboys,hermom.Wejustclicked.Ihadspenthoursontheplane
rehearsingwhatIwasgonnasaytoher,butshebarelyletmegetoutonewordwhenwemet.Shejust
gavemeabighugandaskedifIwantedsomecoffee.Broughtmeintoherkitchenandsatmedown,”
helaughs.“Prettymuchpulledmyentirelifestoryfromme.”

Heclearshisthroatandlooksdownatme.

“Shedidn’tjudgemeforoneminute.She’salwaysgotapositiveattitude,andIwantedtobea

partofherlife.DowhateverIcanforherandherfamilysinceItooksuchahugepartofheraway
fromthem.”

Inod.

“Youhavealotofcharacter.Sodoesshe.Itdoesn’tsurprisemethatyou’dfindeachotherand

developarelationship.”Ismile,thinkingofCherise’sbright,positiveattitude.“Sheseemslike
someonewhodoesn’tletanythinggetinherway.”

Hechucklesslightlyatthat.

“No.Shedefinitelydoesn’t.IalwaysfeellikeIdon’tdoenough,butshealwaysremindsmethatI

can’tbeacrutchforher.Thatshestillhastolivealifewhereshe’scapableofdoingeverythingon

herown.”

“Self-relianceisanadmirabletrait.”Inthemoment,I’mtalkingaboutCherise.Butmyresponse

isheavilyrootedintheimportanceIplaceonbeingabletotakecareofmyself.

“Beingabletoaccepthelpandcarefromothersisalsoanadmirabletrait,”heresponds.

Iturnmyheadtolookathimnexttome,leaningbackagainstmycarwithhisarmscrossed,his

eyesfocusedinthedistance.Hisjawistight,afrownonhisface.

“Itfrustratesyouthatshewon’tletyoudomore.”Whenhedoesn’trespond,Icontinue,unsure

ofwheretheboundaryis.HowmuchIcansay.ButifwhatMackandIfeelforeachotherhasany
chanceoflasting,ourstreakofhonestywillneedtocontinue.

“Youhavetorememberthatshewantstofeelcapable.Steppinginanddoingthingsforher

mightfeelgoodforyou,helpassuagewhateverguiltyoustillfeel,butitprobablymakesherfeel
helpless.Likeshe’sacharitycase.”

“That’snothowIfeelabouther,”heclips.

“Iknowthat,”Isay,myvoicesoothing.“Ineversaidyoudid.It’sjustimportanttomakesure

youunderstandthatshemightfeelthatway.”Istepawayfromthecarandstanddirectlyinfrontof
him.“You’reagoodperson,Mack.Regardlessofthethingsthathavehappened.Youhaveagreat
heart,you’vedoneeverythingyoucantomakeamendsforthedamageyoubelieveyou’veinflicted.
Youobviouslycareaboutlearningfromthepastratherthanrepeatingit.”

Hiseyessearchmyface,hiswordsescapinghismouthasifhe’sunsurewhethertheyshouldbe

spoken.

“WhatifthethingsI’velearnedmakemefeellikeIhavetogoafterthingsthatareimportant,

evenwhenitmightbewrong?”

Idon’tknowhowtorespond,soIdon’t.

Hereachesoutandputsahandonmyhip,hiseyeswatchinghisownmovementsashisthumb

slipsundermyshirttorubsmallcirclesonmyhip.Iletoutashudderedbreathashestepsintome,
hisotherarmwrappingaroundmetobringmeintoanembracethatIcan’thelpbutreturn,myhands
restingonhismuscularback.Hiswarmthseepsthroughmythinshirt,hisbreathticklesmytemple.
Hiswordsareawhisper.

“Thisissomethingimportant.Icanfeelit.I’venever,ever,feltlikethisbefore.”Hebringshis

handupandtiltsmychinsoI’mlookingathishandsomeface.“Tellmewecanfigurethisout,RJ.
Tellmethatmeetingyouafewmonthstooearlydoesn’tmeaneitherofusaregoingtomissouton
somethingamazing.”

Itakeadeepbreath.Andholdit.RationalRachelwantstosayitcan’twork.Shewantstostay

rootedfirmlyinlogicandwhatshecancontrol.Therearejusttoomanythingsintheway.Hisjob,
myscholarship,bothofourfutures.

Butitisn’tRationalRachelwholetsoutthedeepbreath.“Wecanfigurethisout.”

Thewordsarebarelyfrommymouthwhenhislipsareonmine,hishandslippingbacktotwist

intothehairsatthenapeofmyneck.Igriphisshirt,givingitaslighttug,beforeslidingmyarms
fullyaroundhiswaistandholdingmyselfasclosetohimasIcan.

Iexpectthekisstobehardandpunishing,areflectionofthefrustrationswe’vebothfeltoverthe

pastweek.Buthisarmsholdmereverently,asifI’matreasure.Hishandinmyhairtwistsaround
playfully,massagingatthebaseofmyneck.Andhislipsaresoft,sweet.

Ourkissfeelslikeadrunkenhaze,asifwehaveallthetimeintheworld.AndwhileI’mnotsure

exactlyhowwearegoingto‘figurethisout,’knowingwehavetimetotrymakesallthedifference.

ChapterTen

Drop,kick,kick,kick,knee,knee,knee,knee.

Theballbouncesaround,myeyestrainedonitasitpopsbackandforthbetweenmykneesand

feet.ThisisoneexerciseI’veneverbeenverygoodat,keepingtheballinmotionwithoutlettingit
touchtheground.ButtodayI’mdoingprettywell.

Kick,kick,knee,kick,kick,knee,knee.

Myeyesfeellikelasersontheblueandyelloworbinfrontofme.Mymindisclear.Myfocusis

sharp.ThewhistlefinallyblowsandIlettheballfalltothegrassatmyfeet,myeyesshootingupto
thepersonresponsibleformycurrentstateofmind.

Mack.

I’vefelthiseyesonmeallmorning.Watchingmerun,critiquingmytimeatthenet,encouraging

mysaves.I’dassumedthatourconversationandkisslastnightwouldmaketodayweird.Iwassure
thatIwouldbewrappedupinwatchinghim,orfocusedonnotwatchinghimforfearofsomeoneelse
seeingtheaffectioninmyeyes.

Inanunforeseenturnofevents,thismorninghasbeenaneducationofsorts.I’vebeenfocused,

sharp,tappedintomyteamlikeI’veneverbeenbefore.I’munsurewhetherthisisbecauseMackis
watchingandIdon’twanttolookafool,orwhetherourdecisiontotryandfigurethingsouthasjust
calmedmetothepointthatIfeellikeIcanbecompletelypresentatpractice.

WhileIcouldfocusonthefactthatwedon’treallyknowwhatwearedoing,I’veinsteadchosen

toacceptthefactthatIgettoenjoythiswithhimnow.

Whenpracticeconcludes,Igrabmybagandbeginwalkingtowardsthelockerroom.Aquick

shower,andthenI’mofftoStubHubCenter,whereJeremyandtheLAGalaxyplay.Ihatethatname.
StubHub.ButIguessit’sbetterthansomeoftheotherMLSstadiums.

I’mlookingatyou,Dick’sSportingGoodsPark.

JustasIamabouttoclearthefield,Ihearmynamecalledout.Turning,IseeMackwalkingmy

direction,clipboardinhand,ameshbagofsoccerballsslungoverhisarm.Igivehimasmallsmile
andwaitashewalkscloser.Helooksdelectableinhisblackandwhitetrackpantsandsleeveless
Glendaleshirt,hismusclesflexingwitheachstep.Histypicalpracticeoutfitismuchdifferentthan
CoachJohnson’s,whoisalwayswearingkhakisandapolo.ButMackwearsthosecutoffshirtslike
they’regoingoutofstyle.

Anddamndoeshelookgoodinthem.

MysmilegrowsasIrememberhimfromlastnight,hishandstightonmywaistaswe…well,

okay,wehadacrazyromanticmakeoutsessionanditwasamazing.

Oncewe’dfinallygottenourfill,hekissedmyforehead,openedmycardoor,andtoldmehe’d

seemeatpractice.Ipromptlywenthome,snuggledupinbed,andspentoveranhourreplayingour
conversation,theimplicationsofarelationship,andthetwoofustryingtofigurethingsout.

Asmallsighescapesmylips,almoststartlingmeoutofmymemory,remindingmethatI’mstill

onthesoccerfieldandthereareotherplayersaround.Myeyesdartaroundquickly,butIdon’tthink

anyonecaughtmeoglinghim.

“What’sthatsmilefor?”heasks,oncehe’sanarmslengthawayfromme.

Ipursemylipsandnarrowmyeyes,teasingly.“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”

Hechuckles.“Ijustwantedtoask…”hepauses,looksaround,clearshisthroat,“…ifyou

wantedtogettogetherthisafternoon.Hangoutorsomething.”

“I’dloveto,butIcan’ttoday.CharlieandIaregoingtoJeremy’sgame.”Henods,hiseyes

flickingagaintomyteammateswhoaretricklingoffthefieldandheadingtothelockerroom.
“Tonight?Wecanwatchamovie?”

Heshakeshishead.“I’mtakingDeantodo‘guystuff’tonight-whateverthatmeans.”Helaughs.

“Tomorrow?”

Ialsoshakemyhead.“I’mmeetingwithThomassowecanbeginpreparingforapresentation.”I

seehisjawtensejustslightly,anditsendsastrangefeelingripplingthroughmybody.“Areyou…?”I
laughlightly,shiftingmybaguphigheronmyshoulder.“Doesthatbotheryou?”

“No.Why?”

Ishrug.Hisdemeanorhasshiftedslightly,hiseyesabitmorebroodingthanbefore.Butjustas

quicklyasIseeit,itpasses.

“Soyou’rebusyalldaytomorrow?”

“Notallday,butI’vegototherhomeworkandstufftoo,andlaundryandgroceryshopping.

Sunday’snormallymy‘catch-all’day.”

“WhataboutMonday?”

Ishakemyheadagain.

“Practice,class,practice,weeklydatewithJeremy.”

Hesighswithanexasperatedsmile.

“Sowefinallygetourshittogetherandthencan’tgetourshittogether.”

Ilaugh.

“Yeah,Iknow.Itdoesn’tfeelfair.”

“Here’swhatIthink,”hesays,steppingjustabitcloser.“Ithinkwhenyou’redonewithdinneron

Monday,givemeacall.EvenifIjustswingbyforalittlebit…Iwanttoseeyou.Notaroundothers.”

Myfaceflushesashiseyesskateoverme,andI’msuddenlyabitmoreconsciousofmysweaty,

exhaustedappearance.SuddenlyIrememberCharlie’sjokeaboutbeingsweatyandsexedupand
sneakingofftothelockerroomwithMackforalittlehands-onpractice.Ifeelmyflushspreaddown
myneckandIbreakoutintonervouslaughter.

Mack’sbrowcrinkleswithconfusion.

“WhatdidImiss?”

Iswallowmylaughterandadjustmybagovermyshoulder,lookingawayfromMackfora

momenttocollectthenervetotellhim.Butmyshit-eatinggrinisstillplasteredtomyface.

“JustsomethingwildlyinappropriatethatCharliesaidtome.”

Heraiseshiseyebrowsinquestion.Ipursemylips.

“Letsjustsayitinvolvesthisexactscene,butendingwithusinthelockerroom.Alone.”

Hiseyesbecomejustslightlyhoodedattheideaandhebiteshislip.

“Ohreally?”

Inod,stillsurprisedthatIsharedthatlittlestorywithhim.

Heleansintowardsme,hiswordsawhisper.

“LetCharlieknowIloveherideaandmighthavetomakesurethatparticularscenariohappens

sometime.”

MyeyeswidenandIcan’tforcemyselftomaintaineyecontact.Iletoutonemore

uncharacteristicgiggle,thenburymyfaceinmyhands.Peakingathimthroughmyfingers,Imanage

tosqueakoutan,“Alright,I’vegottago.Bye.”

AndItakeofftowardsthelockerrooms,Mack’shushedlaughtersoundingfrombehindme.

*****

“AsmuchasIwishMLSgameswerebetterattended,therereallyisn’tanythingbetterthanplenty

ofarmspaceandproppingyourfeetupinfrontofyou.”

Charliesmilesandshakesherhead.

“Missedyouthispastweek,girl.Whereyoubeen?”Shesitsabitsidewaysontheseat,tiltingher

bodytowardsminetogivemeherattention.

“Justbusy,”Ireply,takingamassivebiteofmyhotdog.“Youknow…doing…stuff.”

Shesnorts.

“Thankyoufortheinsightintoyourlife.Thatwasn’tvagueorevasiveatall.”

ShewaitswhileIswallowdownmyfoodandtakeasipofthewaternexttome.

“MackandIaretryingtofigureitout.”

InearlydropmyfoodatthesoundofthesquealthatcomesfromCharlie’smouth.SweartoGod,

girlhassomepipesonhertorivalanoperasinger.

“Iknewit.Isoknewit.”She’snowbouncingupanddowninherseat.

Partofmewantstorollmyeyesatherexcitement.Theotherpartofmeloveshowthrilledsheis

forme.Charlieisoneofthosegirlsthatcanalwaysputasidetheshitinherownlifeandbecome
completelyimmersedinthelifeofherbestfriend.

Ismileareservedsmileather.EventhoughCharlieistheclosestandmostimportantfriendI’ve

everhad,Istillfinditdifficulttogushtoheraboutthethingsthatmakemehappy.MostlybecauseI’m
usuallysurethatthehappinessisusuallytemporaryorafluke,andIdon’twanttohearthepitythat
resultsfromtheinevitablefallout.

“Youbeenboinking?”

Ibarkoutalaugh,spittingwateroutofmymouthintheprocess.

“NO!”Ishoutwithmoreforcefulnessthanisprobablynecessary,thankfulthatthereisn’tanyone

sittinginfrontofme.“No,wehaven’tbeen…boinking.”Ichuckleundermybreath.“Wejustdecided
lastnighttotryandnavigateeverything.”

“Butthere’sbeenkissingright?”Herfaceisfartoohopefulformetowithholdtheinformation

aboutmyhandfulofkisseswithMack.

WhenIblushandnod,shesquealsandstartsbouncinginherchair,again.

“Youhavetotellme.Everything.Iwantallthedetails.Iwanttoknowwhathesmellslikeand

wherehishandswereandhowmanytimesyouthoughtaboutdoingitand…”

“I’mnottellingyouallofthat!”

“Ohcomeon,RJ!Mysexlifeislikeadesertrightnow.Abarrenwasteland.Idon’tevenseeany

miragesonthehorizon.YouhavetogivemethissipofwatertotidemeoveruntilIfindthewellof
sexualhealing.”

Ilaughagain,tuckingmyselffurtherintomyseatandtrainingmyeyesonthefield.Thegame

hasn’tevenstartedyet,theplayersstillpassingtheballaroundabitbeforethewhistleblows.

“Well,”Iclearmythroat.“YourememberhowyouwenttoO’Reilly’slastweekendandIwas

goingtocomewithandnevershowed?”Shenods.“It’sbecauseMackcameby.”Hermouthdrops
open.“Andwehadourfirstkiss.Anditwas…Ican’tevenexplaintoyouhowabsolutelydivineit
was.Itwasout-of-this-world,heaven,purebliss.”

Hersmileissobigitpracticallydominatesherwholeface.

“Whydidn’tyoutellmebefore?Thistotallymakesmoresensenow!”Inarrowmyeyesin

confusion.Hersmiledropsjustabitwhensheclarifies.“Whenyoufoundouthewasyourcoach,you
weresobroken-heartedandupset.Iwasstillassumingyouhadn’tgottenanylip-love.Butifyouhad
theall-consumingkissfirst,andthenfoundouthewasyourcoach,Icanseehowthatwouldshake
youup.”

Inod.

“Well,thatisn’teventhewholestory.”Asthegamebegins,ItellCharlieeverythingshe’smissed

overthepastfivedays.She’sbeensobusy,we’vebeenlikeshipspassinginthenight.

ButshereactsexactlylikeIthinkshewillwitheveryupanddown.ShefumeswhenItellher

aboutspottingMackwithRonnieinHollywood,andsheaww’swhenshehearsabouthimshowingup
atmyhouse.Shegivesmeherdirty-girlsmilewhenItellherthatwebasicallydryhumpedonthe
floor.She’srighttherewithmeasItalkaboutpracticeandhismoodybehavior,mydadatthegame,
myargumentwithJeremy.AndIrounditoutwithourconversationandkissatthehighschoollast
night.

“Damn,girl.Yourlifeislikeatelenovela.I’msorryI’vebeensobusyforthepastweekand

haven’tbeenthereforyou.”

Herwordsaresaidcalmly,butIknowshe’sfeelingregretful.Charliepridesherselfonbeingan

‘investedfriend’-thosearethewordssheusestodescribeit.Shedoesn’tjustwanttobeonthe
sidelinesofyourlife.Shewantstobeinthegame.

Someofthatstemsfromherinherentneedtoknoweverything.She’snotagossipbyanymeans,

butthisgirldoeslovehersomedrama.Butmostly,itcomesfromthefactthatherheartishugeand
hercompassionisendless.

Charlie’sinherlastyearofthenursingprogramatGlendale.Herhoursareweird,herschedule

throwingherallovertheplace.I’mnotjokingwhenIsaywe’vebeenshipspassinginthenight.
Sometimesshe’sheadingtosleepjustasI’mwakingup.

Iwrapmyarmaroundhershouldersandsqueezehertighttome.

“Youknowwhatyoujustsaidisdumb,soI’mnotevengoingtodignifyitwitharesponse.”I

plantaloudwetkissonherforehead,thenreleaseher.“Besides,Iwasabletofigureitalloutonmy
own.”

Herheadtiltsabittothesideasshelooksatme.

“Didyou,though?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Ijustmean,like,yousaidyouguysaregoingto‘figureitout’.”shereplies,usingairquotes.

“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”

Ishrug.

“I’mtryingnottothinktoohardaboutit.Thereareobviouslythingsintheway,andwewilljust

havetotakeitadayatatime.Neitheroruswantstoriskadisasterifpeoplefindout,butwedon’t
wanttonotseewherethisisgoing,either.”

Shenods,hereyestrainedonthefield,lostinthought.Afteramomentshecontinues.“IknowI

wastheonetosuggestthesweatylockerroomsex.”

“Thanksforthat,bytheway.HeknowsaboutthatconversationandIwasthoroughlyred-faced

andembarrassed.”

Shelaughs.

“Well,itsoundshot.Andnowthatheknowsaboutthatidea,maybeitwillactuallyhappen.”She

wiggleshereyebrowsupanddown.“ButIjustwanttosaythisonething,andthenIwillbenothing
butsupportive,okay?”

Inod,knowingherheartwillalwaysbeintherightplace.Herpauseleadsmetoassumeshe’s

tryingtofigureouthowtowordsomethingdelicately.

“It’saboutwhatJeremysaidtoyou…aboutthewhole‘institutionalization’thing.”Shestops

again.“Isthereaconcernthereforyou?Imean,atall?”

BeforeIcansayanything,shepowersforward.

“Don’tgetmewrong.Everypersonisentitledtotheirbitofinsanity.You’veseenmeatsome

prettylowpoints,andIwouldneverjudgesomeonejustforexperiencingtheirs.Ijustwanttomake
sureyouthinkaboutitall,anddecidewhatitisyouneedtoknowmovingforward.Imean,there’sa
differencebetweenhavingoneepisodeofmadnessafterahorribleexperience,andbeingliterally
psychotic.Justmakesureyoudon’tgetyourselfwrappedupinsomethingyouaren’tcapableof
handling.You’vealreadygotenoughmentalinstabilityaroundyouwithyourdad.Youdon’tneedto
takeonsomeoneelse’smesstoo.”

Myheartwarmsatherwords,socarefullyarticulatedandwillingtosupportmewhilestill

makingsureI’mabletoseesomethingimportant.

“Iappreciatetheconcern,Char,Ireallydo.ButIdon’tthinkMackisactuallyinsane.Ithink

Jeremywasplayingituptogetmetocuthimoutofmylife,whichIdon’tthinkisfair.Regardless,
I’msureit’ssomethingwewilltalkabouteventually.ButIdon’twanttobesocrassastowalkupto
himandjustsay,hey,mybrothersaidyou’reafuckin’nutjobandthatyouwereinthelooneybin.
Let’schataboutthatovericecream.It’ssomethinghe’llneedtobringupinhisowntime.”

Shenodsandreachesovertosqueezemyhand.I’mcontentinthatmoment,justthetwoofus

watchingJeremyandhisteammatesrunningaroundonthefield.Mybrothercaresaboutme,mybest
friendwantsmetobesafeandhappy,andIhaveanamazingguywhoIcan’tstopthinkingabout.

Andapparently,Charliecan’tstopthinkingabouthimeither.

“So,seriously.Whenareyougoingtobanghiminthelockerroom?”

ChapterEleven

Lettingoutasighofboredom,IlookacrossthelibrarytowhereThomasisstandinginanaisle

ofbooks,armscrossed,hisbrowfurrowedinconcentration.ThenIlooklonginglyattheexit,asif
daydreamingaboutpackingupandrushingoutthedoorwillmakethisendlessdayfinallyend.

We’vebeenherefornearlytwohoursalready,andIdon’tthinkwe’veevengottencloseto

feelinglikewehavetherighttypeofoutlineputtogetherforourproject.It’sbeendifficulttolay
everythingoutwhenwehaven’tevenbeguntheprepworkforourindividualpapersandpresentations
yet.

Wehavethemajorityofthesemestertoworkonthembecausethey’resupposedtobeextensive,

comprehensiveprojectsaboutoneauthorandtheirimpactonliteratureinalargercontext.
Realistically,ifwewantProfessorMarksontoacceptourdual-proposal,weneedtohaveawell
processedoutlinethatisinsyncwiththeproposalswewillhaveforourindividualprojects.

Butwe’restrugglingtomaketheoutlinewithoutanyrealconcretedecisionsaboutwhatshould

beleadinguptotheoutline.

Isighagainandflickmyeyestothebookinfrontofme,whereI’vebeenmindlesslyflipping

pageswhenIshouldbescanningthetextforpassagestomark.

“Foundit!”Thomasplopsintotheseatacrossfromme,biggrinonhisface.“Iknewitwasthere.

Itwasjustfiledinthewrongspot.”

Iforceasmile.

“Awesome.Iwassurprisedwhenyousaidthedigitalcopywasn’tintheschool’sdatabase.You’d

thinkeveryuniversitywouldhaveaccesstothesameone.”

“Iknow,right?”Heflipstheoldbookopenonthetable,amidstthehandfulofotherbookswe’ve

pulledsofarthataddresstheliteraryrelationshipandfriendshipbetweenEdithWhartonandHenry
James.

Wespendaboutthirtyminutessortingthroughbooksandarticles,markingimportantpassages

withstickynotesandtypingupourideasforhowourprojectsmightintertwine.

“YouknowwhatIthinkissogreataboutthesetwo?”Thomassayssuddenly,startlingmeaway

fromthepageI’mlookingat.“They’renotsomestereotypicalmentor/menteeromance,youknow?”

MybrowfurrowsasIlookatThomas,tryingtounderstandwherehe’sgoingwiththislineof

thought.

“Okay,soJamesisthisamazing,well-knownauthorwhomadeitclearthathewasabachelorfor

life.Thisbeautifulyoungthingbecomeshismentee.Theyhavethisamazingfriendshipandimpact
eachothers’worksignificantly,right?”

Inod.

“Itwouldhavebeensoeasyforsomethingtohappenthere,youknow?Similarinterests,creative

minds.Imean,Iknowshewasmarried,butshitlikethathappens,anddidn’tsheenduphavingan
affairwithsomeotherguy?EverythingwecanfindaboutEdithandHenryindicatestheywere
investedineachother,justnotromantically.Ilikethattheirrelationshipisapassionatefriendshipand

sharingofthemindswithoutmakingitintosomethingthattakesawayfromtheirwork.Itseemsmore
specialthatway.Ifeellikearomanticentanglementwouldhavepotentiallytakenawayfromwhat
theyaccomplishedtogether.”

Ismileslightly.

“I’dneverthoughtofitlikethat.Iguessyou’reright.”Igrabmypenandtapitlightlyonthepad

ofpaperinfrontofme.“Ithinkit’seasytoassumeasharedinterestorsimilarpassionswill
eventuallymakefriendshipsleadtoaromanticrelationship.Butyouneedalotmorethanthat.Doyou
thinkthat’savaluablepiecetoplayintotheoutline?”

Thomasnodsandtwiddleshisownpenbetweenhisfingers.

“Yeah.Yeah.”Hepauses,lookingofftoaspotjustoffthesideofmyhead.“ButImean,shared

interestsareagoodthing,too.”

Isquintmyeyesathimslightly,unsurewhathemeans.We’djustestablishedthattherewasvalue

inthefactthattheWharton/Jamesrelationshipwasstrictlyfriendship,andheimmediatelystartsback-
tracking?BeforeIcanask,Thomasclearshisthroatslightlyandleansforward,continuingtofiddle
withhispenandlookingatthetablewherethebooksarelaidout.

“So,intheircase,itwasagoodthing.Becauseitwouldhavesignificantlycompromisedtheir

friendshipandpossiblydamagedtheimpacttheirrelationshiphadontheworkstheybothput
forward.”Heclearshisthroatagain.“ButIthinkotherfriendshipscantranslateintosomethingmore
whenthosefactorsaren’tatplay.”

MyeyeswidenslightlyandIfeelmyfaceflushwithheat.NowIunderstandwhat’shappening.

“Thomas…”Istart,butmyphonebeeps.ProbablyMack.Andthenitbeepsagain.

Andagain.

Whenmyphonebeepsforthefifthtimeinarow,Thomasbreaksthesilence.

“Yougonnacheckit?”

IgrabmyphonefrommyuglymaroonJansportbackpackthathasclearlyseenbetterdays.

Flippingitover,Iunlockthescreenandscrollquicklythrough.

Mack:Stillstudying?

Mack:BecauseIthinkweshouldgograbIn-N-Outagain

Mack:Ortacossoundamazing

Mack:I’mjustreallyhungry

Mack:AndIwanttoseeyou,whichistherealreasonI’mbuggingyou.Textmewhenyou’re
done;)

Asmilestretchesoutonmyface.MyfingershoveroverthescreenasIconsiderresponding.

ShouldIscrapmyplanstodolaundryandbeanadultandhangoutwithMackinstead?

“Somethinginteresting?”

Thomas’voicesnapsmebacktothetable.

Inthelibrary.

WhereI’msupposedtobestudying.

“Sorry.”Iwipethesmilefrommyface,putmyphoneonsilentandbackintothefrontpocketof

mybag.“It’snothing.”LookingbackatThomas,Itrytogivehimmyfullattention.

“WhatIwasgoingtosay,earlier…Ijust…RJ,doyouwanttogooutsometime?”

Hisvoiceissoclearandearnest.Notlikehe’sbeggingmetogoonadate,butit’sclearhereally

wantsustodosomething.

“Onadate,Imean.I’velikedyouforawhileandjust…ittookawhileformeto…well…”His

voicebreaksoffwhenheclearshisthroatagain.Anervoustick.“Whatdoyouthink?”

IfthiswassomethingThomashadaskedmetwoweeksago,Iprobablywouldhavesaidyes.But

Iknowsayingyestodayisn’tinthecards.NotwithwhateverthisnewthingiswithMack.Ican’teven
studywithoutthinkingabouthim.

“Thomas,Ijust…”Ipausetryingtofindtherightwords.

“Ifyou’reabouttosayno,don’tsayityet,”hesays,cuttingmeoffbeforeItellhimI’mfiguring

thingsoutwithsomeoneelse.“Justtakeawhileandthinkaboutit.Iknowwearguealotinclassand
I’veprobablyreallysurprisedyou.But,Ithinkyou’regreat.Amazing,actually.Andbeautiful.AndI
don’twantyoutogivemeaknee-jerkreactionandsayno,whichiswhatIthinkyou’reabouttodo.
Just…thinkaboutit.Takesometime,andcomebacktomelater.”

Igivehimaslownod,notresponding.IshouldjusttellhimI’mseeingsomeone.ButhonestlyI

shouldn’tsharethatwithanyone,soI’lldohimtheserviceof‘thinkingaboutit’beforelettinghim
down.

Anawkwardsilenceensuesasweturnbacktoourbooksandnotes.Ionlyallowafewminutesto

gobybeforeIletThomasknowthatIneedtogethometoworkonsomeotherprojectsandgetmy
lifeinworkingorderbeforethenewweekbegins.Helookssurprised,butwavesmeoffwitha
pleasantsmile.

WhenIclimbintomycar,IquicklyturnitonandgivetheA/Cachancetocoolthewarmmusty

interior.Leaningmyheadagainsttheseat,Iclosemyeyes.

DidThomasreallyaskmeonadate?It’sbeenatleastsixmonthssinceI’vebeenaskedby

anyone.AyearsinceI’vesaidyes.

Eventhoughitsentasmallzingofpleasurethroughmetoknowsomeonewasinterested,that

zingdoesn’tholdacandletothesteadyhumofawarenessIfeelwhenthinkingaboutMack.Insucha
shortperiodoftime,I’vecometofindhispresenceintoxicating,cathartic,enraging,arousing…
everything.

Iglanceatmyphone,debatingwhetherornottocallhim.Eventuallymyfingersswipeopenmy

screenandfindhisnumber.

“Hey,”hesays,answeringafterthefirstring.

“Hi,”ismyonlyresponse,butevenIcanheartheoverwhelmingsmileinmytone.

“Howwasstudying?”

“Oh,youknow.Boringandmind-numbing.AftertwohoursI’mstartingtoreconsiderthiswhole

partnershipthingwithThomas.”

“Howcome?”

Ishrug,andthenrealizehecan’tseeme.

“Idon’tknow.Ijustfeellikeit’saddingallofthisworkthatIdon’twanttodo,”Ifinallyreply.

“Well,youshouldn’tnotdoitjustbecauseit’shard,”headvises.“Ifanything,youshouldpush

forwardbecauseit’shard.Becauseitmeansyou’reabouttodosomethinggreat.”

Ihumathisstatement,appreciatingitinsentiment,butnotinmypresentsituation.

“Healsoaskedmeoutonadate.”

Mackissilentontheotherendoftheline.

“I’mnotsurethatusworkingtogetherisagoodidea,evenifwecancreatesomethingsuper

coolandgettopmarksontheproject.Ijust…”

MackclearshisthroatlightlyasIlettheendofthatsentencetrailoff.WhenIdon’taddanything

elsehefinallysayssomething.

“Sowhatdidyousaytohim?”

“Huh?”

“Whenheaskedyouonthedate.Whatdidyousay?”

“Ididn’tsayanything.Hecutmeoffandtoldmehewantedmetothinkaboutit.”

“Andareyougoingto?”

“What?”

“Areyougoingtothinkaboutit?Aboutgoingonadatewithhim?”

“What?Why?Doyouwantmetogoonadatewithhim?”

“Ofcoursenot.”

“Mack,Iwasobviouslygoingtotellhimno,whichiswhyhetoldmetothinkaboutit.”My

responseisslightlyclipped,andeventhoughIregretitslightly,I’malsofrustratedatMack’s
implication.

Hesighs.

“Ijustworry,isall.”

“Aboutwhat?”

“You’re21andyou’reincollegeandyoushouldbeenjoyingyourselfifguysaskyouout.And

I’molderthanyouandyouhavetokeepanythingbetweenusasecret.Idon’twantyoutomissouton
funincollege.”

Ilaugh.Ifeelbadlaughingwhenhistoneissoconcernedandthoughtful,buthestillclearlyhas

alottolearnaboutme.

“Mack,whereareyourightnow?”

“I’msittinginmycarintheparkinglotoutsideofTarget.”

“Canyoumeetmesomewhere?”

“Anywhere,”heresponds,lightningfast,likehehasnowhereelseintheworldhewantstobe

otherthannexttome,whereverIam.

Fifteenminuteslater,IpullmycarintoaspaceinfrontoftheGlendaleRecreationCentre.When

Iwalktowardsthemainbuilding,IcanseeMackinasecludedcorner,leaningonthebackrestofa
benchseatontheothersideofafountain.

Ishouldnoticewhatperfectweatherwearehaving,orthecutekidsrunningaroundonthegrass

intheparkacrossthestreet,oreventhefactthatthewaterinthefountainisareallystrangecolor
blue.ButtheonlythingIcanfocusonisthemanovertherethatIwantnexttomeandthestepsIneed
totaketowardshimtomakethathappen.

WhenI’mwithinafewfeetofhim,helooksupfromhisphone.Hiseyesflickerovermyface

anddownmybodyandthenbackuptomeetmyeyesagain.ButinjustthosefewsecondsI’vealready
eatenupthepavementbetweenusandI’mslingingmyarmsaroundhisneckandpullinghimcloseto
me.

“Ijustwanttobeclearaboutsomething,”Iwhisperintohisear.

Hishandsbraceonmyback,hisholdstrong,hisheadtilteddownandmouthrestingonthespace

betweenmyshoulderandneck.

“Idon’tmissoutonthingsbecauseIhavetokeepusasecret.”Ileanbackinhishold,just

enoughtolookintohiseyes.“I’vegoneonfirstdateswithfiveguyssinceIstartedcollege.Things
happenaroundmethatIdon’tcareabout.Iwasneverreallyinvestedorinterested,soI’venever
consideredmyselftobesomeonethat’smissingout.Ihadotherthingstofocuson.”

Myhandsmovetohisneck,mythumbsreachingandlightlytouchingthatday-oldscruffonhis

jawlinethatIlovesomuch.

“Butyou,Icareabout.Withyou,I’dbemissingout.”Ileancloserandlightlypressmylipsto

his.“I’minvested.”Kiss.“Andinterested.”Kiss.Kiss.“Andmyfocusisonyou.”

Mack’seyessearchmineforjustasecondbeforehislipstickupjustslightly,andhepressesour

mouthstogetheragain.Theypartonanexhale,anditfeelslikewearebreathingassuranceintoeach
other ’sbodies.

MyhandsstaygrippedonhisneckandmyfingerstwineintotheshortpiecesofhairIcanreach.

IholdhisfacetominebecauseIwantthisgloriouskisstogoonandon.Andon.

“I’veneverfeltlikethis,”Iwhisper,ashiskissesbeginmovingalongmyjawlineanddownmy

neck.“Never.Aboutanyone.”

“Meeither.”

Herestshisforeheadagainstmine,butkeepshiseyesopen.Hestaresintomyeyesashishands

drift,slowlybutwithconfidence,downmysides,coastingovermyhips,andthenbacktomyass.

HegripsmetightlyandthenwalksmebackwardsafewstepsuntilIfeelmybackpressedon

scratchystuccowalloftheRecreationCentrebuilding.Hismouthreturnstomyneck,wherehelicks
andsucks,causingmetomoanandsquirm.

Icanfeelhimpressedupagainstme,hardandfirm,andIdropmyhandbetweenusalmostout

ofinstinct.

“Fuck,”hehissesoutasmyhandrubsagainsthimthroughhisjeans.Hemoansandrollshis

hips,hisheadfallingbackjustslightly,histeethbitingintohisbottomlip.IlovethatIcandothisto
him,thatIcanmakehimswearandmoanandpantforme.It’sempoweringandIalmostgetjustas
turnedonaswhenhe’sfocusedonme.

Butthenhe’ssteppingbackandawayfrommybody,andI’minstantlyhitwiththecoolair

aroundusintheshadeofthebuilding.Then,justasquickly,I’mfloodedwithheatasmyblood
flushesmyneckandcheeks.

Mackadjustshisjeansandrubsahandoverhisfaceashetakesdeep,longbreaths.

“Asamazingasthatwas,weshouldprobablycoolitonthephysicalstuff,right?”heasks.

Iswallow-or,ItrytoswallowbutIendupmakinganawkwardgulpingsoundinstead-andnod,

stilltryingtocatchmyownbreath.

“SorryifIpushedtoofar,”Isay,myvoicebarelyaboveawhisper.

Macklaughs,moretohimselfthanatme.

“RJ,youcouldnever…andImeannever…pushustoofar,”hesays,takingstepsbacktowards

meandwrappingmeinhisarms.“IjustwanttomakesureyourealizeI’minthisbecauseofwhoyou
areandhowIfeelwhenI’maroundyou.NotjustbecauseIwantinyourpants.”

“Butit’sstillalittlebitaboutgettinginmypants,right?”Iaskwithacheekygrin.

Helaughsagainandkissesthetopofmyhead.

“Youaretoomuch.”Hestepsbackandtakesmyhand.“Letsgetyouhome,miss.”

Ismileupathimandgriphishandtightlyashewalksmebacktomycar.

*****

TherestofmySundaypassesfartooquickly,mostlyduetothefactthatMackendedupcoming

over.WewatchedepisodesofTheWalkingDeadthatwe’vebothalreadyseenbeforeandsnackedon
popcorn.Butmostlywelaidhead-to-toewitheachotherandjusttalkedaboutthings.

LikeCheriseandherboysandwhatlittlemenacestheyare.AboutCharlieandhowclosesheand

Iare.Essentially,wetalkaboutalmosteverything.

Well…everythingexceptfortwotopics.

Mack’saccidentandthethingsrightbeforeandrightafterit.

Andmydad’salcoholismandtheabuseMackobserved,aswellasanythingassociatedtothat.

Thosetwoitemsstayfirmlyonthedonotdiscussshelf.

Whenitfinallyhitsaround11pm,wecallitanight.Mackgivesmeasweetkissonthecheekand

onthelipsbeforeheadinghome.

AndthenIrunfranticallyaroundmyapartmenttryingtocatchuponeverythingIdidn’tdo.

OnMonday,afteranotherafternoontrainingfilledwithsneakingglancesateachother,I’m

sittinginfrontofthepracticefieldwaitingforJeremytopickmeupwhenIgetatextfromMack.My
heartleapswhenIseehisnameonmyscreen.

Mack:SodatenightwithJer?

Me:Yeah.Weeklything,youknow?

Mack:Familyfirst.Igetit.Butdon’tforgetthatIwanttotakeyouonanotherdatesoon.

MycheeksflushandasmilebreaksoutonmyfaceasIrememberourconversationfromthe

nightbefore.Hetoldmehe’dhavetofigureoutthelogistics,butthatitwasimportanttohimtotake
meoutandshowmehewasalso‘invested.’Swoon.ButbeforeIcancraftaresponse,anewmessage
popsup.

Mack:Lovethatsmile.

Isnapmyheadupandglancearound.Afterafewseconds,Iseehimwalkingacrosstheparking

lot.He’sfreshlyshoweredandwearinglowslungtrackpantswithacharcoalgrayGlendalehoodie.
Evenfromthissidewaysvantagepoint,Icanseethesmileonhisface,areservedgrinthatmakesmy
heartrace.Anditonlypicksupwhenheturnshisheadslightlyandwelockeyes.

AquickhonkdragsmyeyestoJeremyintheSUVidlingatthecurb.Ileandowntograbmybag

andtrotquicklytoJeremy’scar.

“HeyJer!”Isingout,tossingmyduffleintothebackandclickingintotheseatbelt.

“Hey,”hesays,hesitantly.

WhenIglanceupathim,Iseehimwatchingmewithacuriousexpression,hisbrowfurrowed.

ThenIwatchashiseyesdartforward,outthewindshield.ToMack.Whenhelooksbackatme,Isee
somethingbetweencuriosityanddisbelief.

Whenhecaughtusoutsidemyapartmentlastweek,Iwasprettysureheunderstoodthattherewas

somethingbetweenmeandMackthatwasdeeperthananappropriatecoach/athleterelationship.But
maybeheassumedhisforcefulapproachtothatconversationwouldsquashthings.

Heassumedwrong.

“WeheadingtoTheShoporwhat?”Iask,myvoicestilllight,refusingtogiveintowhatever

stupidconversationhewantstohave.

Hejustnods,puttingthecarintodrive.

Theridetomyfavoriteburritoplace,whichisaconvenienttenminutewalkfrommyapartment,

isprettysilent.Almostawkwardlysilent.Ipassthetimebyflickingthroughemailsonmyphone.

Idon’tlikethisfeeling.JeremyandIhavealmostnosecrets.Wedon’tgetintorealarguments.

Wedon’tevenreallygetfrustratedwitheachotherveryoften.It’slikewe’vealwayshadthis‘us
againstFrankJameson’mentalitythatkeepsusonthesamepage,alwaysateachothers’back,no
matterwhat.Ourfightlastweekwasincrediblyuncharacteristic.Forbothofus.

ButIcanfeelitbrewing.AnargumentIdon’twanttohave.He’sgoingtosaysomethingabout

Mack,andIdon’twanttotalktohimaboutMack.

Mackismysecret.Idon’tnecessarilywanthimtobeasecret,likesomeclandestineaffair.But

there’ssomethingaboutkeepingourrelationshipclosetomychestthatmakesmefeellikeI’m
cradlingsomethingsacredandspecial.

Somethingmine.

Somanythingsthathavebeenimportanttomehavebeentakenaway.Idon’twantthistofollow

suit.Thispseudo-relationship-thingMackandIhaveisthemostbeautifulthingtohappentomein…
well,inalongasstime,ifIambeingentirelyhonest.

AndIdon’twantJeremytoshitallovermybeautiful.

Wesit,weorder,wesnackonchipsandmakesmalltalkaboutJeremy’sgamethatCharlieandI

attended.I’mjusttakingahuge,veryunfemininebiteofmyburritowhenmyphonedings.It’ssitting
onthetable,face-down.Myeyeslookatit,thenuptoJeremy.Hiseyesnarrowjustabit.There’sa
pause,alull,beforewebothscrambleforwardtograbthephone.

AndJeremysnatchesituprightbeforemyhandcangettoit.

Hetakesoneglanceatthescreenandmumblesanangry,“Shit”beforeslammingthephone

downonthetableinfrontofme,face-up.Idon’tlookdownatit.Jeremy’sgazeislockedonmine,
andhe.Is.Pissed.

“Lookatit,Rachel.”

Myeyesdropreluctantlydown,andIseethewordsdisplayedonthelockscreen.

Mack:Wishyouwerehere.

WhenIlookbackupatJeremy,heisrubbinghishandacrosshisstubbledjaw.

“Yousaidnothingwasgoingon.Goaheadandtellmethismeansnothing,becausethatisso

fuckingfarfromwhatitlookslike,Idon’tknowhowyoucouldeventrytopretend.”

Isaynothing,myeyesstaringatthenowblackscreenonmyphone.Wishyouwerehere.Ican’t

helpthesmallsmilethatsitsonmyface.AndIknowJeremyseesit.

Heleansforwardinhisseat,handsclaspedinfrontofhimonthetable.

“HowmuchmoreclearcanIbe,Rachel?He’syourcoach.He’scrazy.Andhe’sinitforone

thing.Ican’tbelieveyou’rebeingsostupidrightnow.”

“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantmetosay.”

“Iwantyoutotellmeyou’renotmakingahorrible,horriblemistake.”Heshakeshishead,

lookingatmewithfrustrationanddisappointment.

Disappointment.

SomethingIneverthoughtIwouldseeonhisfacewhenhe’slookingatme.

“Idon’tfeellikeI’mmakingamistake.”Myvoiceisjustmorethanawhisper.It’sbeenalong

timesincesomeonehasmademefeelthissmallwithjustonesentenceandastare.Evenmydad
hasn’tdonethisinyears.

Heshakeshisheadagain.

“You’rewrong.Youcan’tseeit,becauseyou’reonlythinkingabouttheemotionsyou’refeeling.

Butletmetellyouwhatemotionsyou’regoingtobefeelingwhenyouandMackarefoundout.
Embarrassmentforhavinganaffairwithyourcoach.Shameforbeingkickedofftheteam.Guiltfor
Macklosinghisjob.Andcripplingfearforyourfuture,becauseyouwon’thaveone.”

“Don’tyouthinkyou’rebeingalittledramatic?”Iask,tryingtofindawaytoshiftthetoneof

whatisclearlybecomingachanceforJeremytoripintome.

Inside,I’mkickingmyselfforevenaskingthatquestionwhenjustoveraweekago,CharlieandI

werehavingthesameconversation.Onlythen,Ihadbeentheonepointingoutalloftheconsequences

ofsomethinghappeningbetweenus.

“No.Notatall.”Hisresponseisquickandbold.There’snoroomforargument.“Youare

makingamistake.Andyouwillregretit.”

Itsoundslikeathreat.Andthatstraightensmyspinejustabit.

“Idon’twanttohavethisconversation,”Isay,scootingoutofthebooth.“Notwithyou.Not

ever.”Ipullatwentydollarbillfromthewalletcliponthebackofmycellphone,throwingitonthe
table.

“YouhavenoideawhatMackandIhave.Wemaycrashandburn,buthemeanssomethingtome.

I’mnotgoingtojustgiveupandnottrybecauseI’mscaredofwhatmighthappentomeorwho
mightbedisappointedinmydecisions.YouknowwhohastolivewiththechoicesImake?Me.Ido.
Notyou.SoIamonlygoingtosaythisonetime,Jeremy.”

Ileanforwardandstarehimrightintheeyes.

“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness,andIdon’twanttohearawordaboutitfromyouagain.Staythe

fuckoutofit.”

Istandbackupandwalkaway.Outthefrontdoorwithoutlettinghimrespond.Myangerburns

offquicklyasIhitthepavementandwalkdownthestreetinthedirectionofmyapartment.

Ihatetosayit,butthewalkhomeisn’tassatisfyingasIwishitcouldhavebeen.

*****

Mystomachrolls,thenauseabuildingquickly,asIlookdownatthephoneinmyhand.

Ican’tbelieveIjustdidthat.

I’msittingonthebenchnexttothepracticefield,myduffleatmyfeet,fullydressedforpractice,

nearlyanhourearly.ButI’mnotheretogetinsomeextrapracticewithmyteammates,ortojogthe
fieldandstretchtowarmup.I’msittingherebecauseIliterallyfeellikeIhavenowhereelsetogo.

“Amy,Idon’tknowwhattodo.”

ItwasthetoneofhisvoicethatstoppedmedeadinmytrackswhenIdroppedbyhisofficejusta

fewminutesago.Iwaswalkingdownthehallwaywithahappyheartandasmileonmyface.If
anyonehadseenme,theywouldjustassumeCoachMcIntoshwashavingameetingwithoneofhis
playerstotalkaboutstrategyorinjuryoramillionotherthings.Hisdoorwascrackedopenjust
slightly,andIhadjustreacheduptoknockwhenIheardhim.

“Amy,Idon’tknowwhattodo.”

Hesoundeddevastated.Overwhelmed.Confused.HowIwasabletopullallofthoseemotions

outofonesentence,I’mnotsure.Butitwasallthere.IknewIwasencroachingonsomethingprivate,
somethingpersonal.Neveronetoseekoutgossip,Ihadspunonmytoesandwasjustabouttowalk
awayfromhisdoorandgivehimprivacywhenhespokeagain.Ifhehadjustwaitedafewmore
seconds,Iwouldn’thavemadeahorribledecision.

“Evenifmyjobisontheline?”

Ifroze.Incapableofmovingforward.Myeyeswide,Ikeptthemfocuseddownthehallway,away

fromMack’sdoor,andyeteverynerveinmybodywaspullingmebackwardstohearmore.Itook
onestepback.Andthenanother.Andanother.UntilIwasstandingdirectlyinfrontofhisoffice,
leaningtowardsthecrackinthedoorway,strainingtohearhimspeakagain.IwonderedifIhadheard
himcorrectly,andsilentlyprayedthatIhadn’t.

“Yeah,lastnightatmyhouse.Iwasshocked,butwhatcanIdo?”

AndthentherewassilencewhenallIwantedwastoreadthethoughtsinhismindandknowwhat

washappening.Evenhavingheardthatmuch,Istillshouldhaveleft.Whydidn’tIjustleave?Instead,I
inchedmyheadcloser,tryingtoseeinthroughtheopeningbetweenthedoorandthejamb.Mack’s
officecameintoview,andmyheartbrokewhenIsawhim.Hewasathisdesk,onehandtohisear
holdinghiscellphone,theotherbracinghisheadinplace.Hisfingersweretwistedintothehairatthe
crownofhishead,hiseyesshuttightashelistened.

“ButIdon’t…”Pause.“Idon’twanttojustcallitoff.Icanfigureitout.”

Iswallowedsoaudibly,Iwasshockedhecouldn’thearitfromwherehesatjusttenfeetaway.It

clickedinaninstant.Hisjobwasonthelinebecauseofme.Somethinghadhappened.Somethingwas
makinghimworryaboutuscontinuingwhateverweweredoing.

Buthewasconfusedaboutwhattodo?Heshouldjustendit!Weshouldn’tbedoingthis!My

headwasscreamingatmetostepintohisofficeandtellhimweshouldcallitoff,takeabreak,avoid
eachother,anything.HewouldunderstandifIexplainedit.Butthenheexhaledwithawhoosh,and
saidthreewordsthatmademerealizethathewouldneverunderstand.

“She’sworthit.”

Igasped.That’showshockedIwas.Iliterallygaspedlikesomestupidweakhousewifeina50’s

movie.Ithentookseverallarge,purposefulstepsawayfromthedoor,turnedandbolteddownthe
hallway.WhenIfinallyreachedthepracticefield,IfeltlikeIhadsprintedtheentirewaywithout
takingabreath.

“She’sworthit.”

Hesaidthosewords.He’dimpliedhewouldtakeonwhatevershitstormwouldraindownon

himifwordgotoutaboutourinvolvement.Butthatshitstormwouldrainontomeaswell.Inthat
moment,Ishouldhavehadnormal,altruisticemotionsaboutwantingtoprotectMackandhisjoband
reputation.

ButmyselfishmindwasfirmlyplantedinthefactthatthelifeIhadworkedsohardforwouldbe

upendedifwekeptmovingforward.Myscholarship.Mydegree.Mycareer.Myfuture.

AndIwasn’treadytothrowinthetoweloneverythingIhadaccomplished.

Whichbringsmetonow,sittingonthebenchatthepracticefield,staringatthescreenreflecting

mycalltoThomas.Ittooklessthanaminute.

LessthanaminutetocallhimandtellhimIhaddecidedtosayyestothedate.

LessthanaminutetoschedulesomethingforFridaynight.

LessthanaminutetoknowIhadmadeahorribledecision.

Butthehorribledecisionisstilltherightone.Oratleast,that’swhatIwillneedtoremind

myself.Overandover.

Andover.

ChapterTwelve

IlovemyjobasaStockingClerkatCandy’sCrafts,aboutiqueshoponthemaindragin

Glendale.Sure,thenameoftheshopishorribleandtheworkIdoisn’tparticularlyimportant,but
CandyisoneofthenicestpeopleIknow.

PlussheletsmeworkwheneverIhavethetimeinsteadofschedulingshifts,soaslongasIcan

putinaroundfifteenhoursoveratwo-weekperiod,shecouldcarelessifIwasworkinginthemiddle
ofthenight,whichisperfectformyhecticschedule.

“How’stheseasongoing?”

Thequestiontakesmebysurprise,mostlybecauseIthoughtIwastheonlyonehere.The

storefrontclosesat5pm,soIassumedIwouldbeworkingalonewhenIenteredthroughtheback
doorat7pm.

“Hey,CC.”

ItrytoinfusesomebrightnessintomyvoiceasItakeaninventoryofthescrapbookstickerswe

havesortedintheback,butmyhappinesssoundsstrained.Mechanicalalmost.

“Thingsaregood.Justbusy.Theusual.”

Sheplopsdownatherdesk,whichsitsinthecornerofthewarehouse-stylebackroom,and

beginsshufflingthroughpaperwork.Herwildblondcurlsbouncingallovertheplaceassheshakes
herheadslightly.

“Thatwasn’tveryconvincing,”shereplies,glancingatmeovertherimofherglasses.“Try

again.”

Imentallygroan.CChasbeenasortofmother-figureformeoverthepastfewyears.I’vebeen

workingforhersincethemiddleoffreshmanyearwhenIrealizedthatmyscholarshipscovered
schoolandhousing,butnototherimportantthingslikefood,books,moneytobuytampons,etc.She
tookareallyquickinterestinmylife.

Shecomestosomeofmysoccermatchesandwetrytogetcoffeeeveryfewweeks.She’sinher

mid-thirtiesandsingle,andliesthroughherteetheverytimeshesayssheisn’tinterestedinsettling
downorhavingkids.Iknowshewantsthem,andherinterestinmehasbecomeawayforherto
expresssomeofherinnatenurturingpersonality.

Abigpartofthatpersonalityisbeingabletoreadpeoplelikethetopletterofaneyeexamchart.

Ishouldhaveknownshewouldbeabletosniffoutmyfaux-cheeriness.

Ihuffoutabreath.

“Ijusthavealotonmymind.Nothingforyoutoworryyourprettylittleheadabout.”Igraba

boxcutterandturnbacktotheboxesinfrontofme,preppingthemtobeunpackedandsorted.

CClaughsbehindme.

“It’sbeenquitesometimesinceyou’vesnippedbackatme.Whateveritis,Ihopeyoufigureit

outsoon.”

Webothworkinsilenceforawhile.Iknowshe’swaitingformetospill,butwhatamIsupposed

tosay?

OhI’mjusthavinganemotionalaffairwithmycoachandhemightgetfiredsoI’veaccepteda

datewithaplayeronthemen’steamthatlikesmeeventhoughIdon’tlikehim.Ontopofthat,I’m
prettysuremypsychologygradeisbeyondsaving,whichcouldmeanIlosemyscholarship,andmy
brotherandIareinafightforthefirsttimeinyears.Sameoldstuff.Nobigdeal.

“Don’thurtyourself,”shesayssoftlyfrombehindme.

IjerkbackfromthecardboardboxesandseethatI’vegonealittleJack-the-Ripperonthem.

Slidingtheboxcutterbladebackintotheplastic,Iplaceitontheworkbenchnexttomeandtakea
seat.CCtakesaseatnexttomewithoutsayinganything.AfterafewminutesIturnandcatchhereye.

“Haveyoueverintentionallyhurtsomeonetodotherightthing?”

Sheraiseshereyebrows.

“You’regonnahavetobemorespecificthanthat,honey.”

“Well,there’sthisguy…”

“Isn’ttherealways?”

Weshareasmalllaugh,andmychestfeelslighter.TalkingtoCCalmostalwaysdoesthat.Itake

abreathandlaunchrightin.

“Well,thisguy…wetechnicallycan’tdate,becauseheworksforthecollege.Butwe’vebeen…

flirting,Iguess,withtheboundariesofwhatwecando.AndnowhisjobisinjeopardyandIcan’tlet
himgetfiredovermewhenhehasworkedsohardtogethislifetoagoodplace.Buthonestly,Ialso
don’twanttohavetodealwiththeconsequencesinmyownlifeifwe’recaught.SoIacceptedadate
withanotherguy.AndIfeelterribleaboutit.Like,really,horriblyawful.”

CCleansbackagainstthewallandcrossesherarmsoverherchest.

“That’squitethepredicamentyou’rein.”Inod.“Didyoueverthinkaboutjusttalkingtotheguy

andexplainingthatyouhavetotakeabreakuntilyoucandate?Moreoftenthannot,communicating
isthebestwaytoworkthroughaproblem.”

“ButIheardhimsayhewouldgiveuphisjobforme!”Myvoicecomesouthigh-pitched,

incredulous.

“Whyisthatsoshockingtoyou?”

Ipause.

“What?”

“Whyisitshockingtoyouthathewouldgiveupajobthatisgoingtogetinthewayofyou

beingtogether?”

Ipropmyleguponthebenchsoit’srestingbetweenus,turningtolookstraightather.

“It’snotthatit’sshocking.It’sthatweareincompletelydifferentplacesifheiswillingtoleave

hisjobwhenIdon’tevenreallyknowhowIfeel.Westillbarelyknoweachother.It’sbeenlike,ten
dayssincewemet.Isn’tthatreallyfast?”

“Itisfast,butsometimesyoumeetsomeoneandfeelaconnectionimmediately.Andit’sokayto

beindifferentplaces.That’susuallyhowrelationshipsprogress.Onepersonfeelsreadytotakeastep
forward,andtheyreachouttheirhandtotheotherpersonintherelationship.Youonlymoveforward
asacoupleiftheotherpersontakesthehandandstepsforwardtoo.”

“ButIdon’twanthimtoruinhislifeforme.”

“Butyou’reassumingthathimquittinghisjobwouldberuininghislife.Whatif,inhismind,not

beingwithyouwouldruinhislife?Andthejobisjustajob?”

Ishakemyhead.That’snotwhat’shappening.ButbeforeIcanverbalizethattoCC,shebegins

again,herwordssoftandloving.

“Youhavetogetitoutofyourheadthatyou’reworthless,RJ.You’reanythingbut,anditsounds

likethisguyknowsthat.”

Isitfrozenwithmymouthslightlyopen,unsureofhowtorespond.Worthless?It’sbeenalong

timesinceI’veusedthatwordtodescribemyself,butisthatwhatI’msubconsciouslyassumingnow?
ThatI’mworthless?

Icanfeelthatsinglestatement,thatsingleword,weavingaroundmelikeivyandsuddenlyIfeel

likeIhavetogetoutofhere.I’mnottalkingaboutthis.

Istandabruptly,startlingCCasmyclipboardandpaperworkfallstothefloor.

“Ihavetogo.IforgotIhavesomestufftodo.”

Iracetomybagthat’sthrownononeoftheshelves.I’mnanosecondsawayfromopeningthe

doorandgettingoutofthissituationwhenCC’shandclosesovermine.Ican’thelpbutlookupather
face,eventhoughI’mshowingherthehandfuloftearsthatarepoolinginmyeyes.

Hereyesarewarm,buttingedwithjustasmallamountofconcern.

“I’msorryforpushing,butyouneedtoknowthatyouareloved,RJ.Notjustaniceperson

peoplecangetalongwith.Notjustsomeonethatmightbelovableoneday.Butloved,rightnow,by
many,manypeople.Anditsoundslikethisyoungmancanalsoseeallofthewonderfulthingsthat
makeyou,you.Iwouldhatetoseeyoupushsomeoneawaybecauseyoudon’tfeelworthy.Youare
notworthless,nomatterwhatthatshitofafathermadeyoufeel.”

Iexhalequicklyatherwords,myshoulderdroppingslightlyasthebeginningofananxiety

attackgripsatmychest.Itfeelslikealloftheairhasbeencompressedoutofmylungsandabuzzing
fillsmyears.

I’venevertalkedtoCCaboutmydad.Ever.Andyet,somehow,she’sgleanedfromour

interactionsthatmyrelationshipwithhimistoxic.Mymindisracingwithathousandthoughts,but
onlyonecrystalizes.

Ican’tdothisrightnow.

“Ican’tdothisrightnow,”Iwhisper.

ShejustnodsandIturnthehandleandwalkoutthedoor.

*****

OnWednesday,Itrudgethrougharoughmorningconditioning,eatanearlylunchwithsome

teammates,andstareoutthewindowthroughmyentireFoundationsofLearningandTeaching
course.

Bythetimetheafternoonscrimmagerollsaround,I’vedecidedIshouldjusttalktoMackabout

whatIoverheardinhisoffice.I’veactivelyavoidedthinkingaboutCC’spartingwordstome,butIdo
agreethatcommunicatingwithMackisthebestwayforustofigurethingsout.

IfIdon’tallowhimtobeapartoffiguringoutthesolutiontoourproblem,I’meliminatinghis

abilitytobeanactiveparticipantinthefutureofourrelationship.

“Doyouhavetimetochatafterpractice?”MyvoiceishushedasIstandnexttoMackontheedge

ofthepracticefield.“It’simportant.”

He’ssilentforabeattoolongandIglanceover.Hisbrowsarefurrowed.

“Sure.I’llalwaysmaketimeforyou,RJ.”

Mysmileisuneasy,butInodandquicklyturntojogouttocenterfieldtobeginthescrimmage.

Idon’tlikethatmywordsputthatexpressiononhisface.Helookedworried.Imean,Iguesshe

hasareasontobeworried.Hisjobispotentiallyontheline,andthegirlhe’sapparentlywillingto
riskitforisabouttohaveasuperdeepconversationaboutwhyheshouldn’tdothat.Andwhywe
shouldputourrelationshiponholduntilIgraduateinMay.Sevenmonthsisn’tthatlong.Right?

Right.

Anhourlater,ourscrimmageisoverandI’mcertainIplayedlikeshit.Iwasdistractedandstuck

inmythoughts.Ginahadafewchoicewordsforme,butotherthanthat,noonesaidanything.
HopefullyIstillgettoplaytomorrow.

Butthatisn’tthepriority.

IcatchMack’seyesandhetiltshisheadjustslightly,indicatingweshouldwalkover…well,

somewhere.Theparkinglot,hisoffice.Justsomewherethatdoesn’tincludeabunchofmy
teammates.

“HeyRJ!”Ihearfrombehindme.

Mybodyfreezes.

IcanhearThomasjogginglightlytowardsme,butmyeyesstaylockedonMack,whoisjusta

fewfeetfromme,bendingovertostuffafinalballintohismeshnetbag.

“ImadereservationsforFridayatthatnewtapasplaceonthedrag.”

Mack’seyessnapuptomine.

“IwasthinkingIcouldpickyouupat6:30ish?Thatshouldgiveusenoughtimetogetthere,

park,walkaroundalittle,youknow?Properdatestuff.”

HiseyesarewildandconfusedandtheyflickbetweenmeandThomas.Butthenhelooksaway,

grabshisbagandpracticallystormstowardstheparkinglot.

“RJ?”IturntolookatThomas.HiseyeslookbehindmeatMack’sretreatingform,thenbackto

me.“Everythingokay?”

Inodseveraltimes,surelylookinglikeabobblehead.I’monlyabletoformaneloquent,“uh

huh.Gottago,”andI’mgrabbingmyduffleandpowerwalkinginMack’swake.

WhenIfinallygettotheparkinglot,IseeMackchuckhisbagangrilyintothebedofhistruck.I

juststandthere,watchinghim.EverynerveinmybodysaysIshouldgotohim,rightthismoment,
andtellhimthetruth.TellhimaboutoverhearinghiscallandhowIreacted,soheknowswhyIdidit
butalsothatIregretit.

ButIdon’t.

Idon’tgotohim.

Ijustwatchhim.

Iwatchasherunshishandsthroughhishairandgripsthebackofhishead,hisfaceturned

downward.

Iwatchasheclenchesandunclencheshisfists,andgetsintohistruck.

Andwhenoureyeslockthroughhiswindshield,andheshakeshisheadinwhatlookslikeanger

orfrustration,Idonothingbutwatchashedrivesaway.

*****

“YousaidWHAT?!”

Charlie’svoiceisshrill.Ihaven’theardhersqueallikethisinalongtime.

“Youheardme,”IhuffoutasItoweldrymyhairwhileIsitcross-leggedinyogapantsanda

baggyshirtonmybedroomfloor.“Don’tmakemerepeatit.”

Charliewalksoutofmyroom.Ihearherbangingaroundinherownroomforafewminutes

beforeshe’sback,withherarmextendedandherfingerpointingatme.

“No.Iwanttohearyousayitagain.Ifyouareactuallygoingtomakethiscolossalmistake,you

needtostickbyit,mister!”

Isighandthrowmytowelontheground.She’sinamood.Andtheonlywaytogethertogo

awaysoIcanfinishgettingreadyforthisstupiddateistotellheraboutthegameyesterday.Again.

“ItoldhimIdidn’twanttowaituntilMay.”

Mystomachcurlsatthememory,andIcan’tmaintaineyecontactwithCharlie.

ItwasoneofthemostdifficultmomentsI’deverfaced.Mack,withhissweetheartandkindsoul,

hiswarmeyesandeasyconfidence,hadcometomeafterwe’dfinishedthehomegameagainstCal
Poly.He’dcometomelookingtiredandbeatendown.Wounded.

“Idon’tunderstandwhathappened,”hesaidinahushedvoiceinthehallwayoutsideofthe

lockerrooms.“Ithoughtwewerefiguringitout.”Heswallowed.“Ithought…”buthedidn’tfinishhis
sentence,asseveralofthegirlscameoutofthelockerroom.

“SeeyouatpracticeonSaturday!”Pipersaid,hervoicetheepitomeofcheerasshebaskedin

theglowofherthreegoals.

Igaveherasmall,forcedsmileandawave,thenlookedbackatMack.

“Ithoughtwewerebothinthis,together.WhatchangedbetweenSundayandyesterday?”

IttookmeamomenttomusterupthecouragetosaywhatIwanted,andwhenthewordsfellfrom

mylipsIfeltphysicallyill.

“IdecidedIdon’twanttosneakaround,Mack.”

“SoyouimmediatelyacceptadatewithThomas?Whereisthiscomingfrom?”

Ishrugged,becauseIdidn’tknowwhatelsetodo.

“Youknowthisthingbetweenusissomethingspecial,andyou’rejustgoingtothrowitaway?”

Ishruggedagain,feelingincrediblyimmature,butalsoincapableofverbalizinganythingthat

wouldadvancetheconversation.

“Youdidn’tevenwanttotalktomeaboutit?Wecouldhavefiguredsomethingout.Wecouldhave

waiteduntilyougraduated,or…orIcouldhave…”

“It’snotworthittome.”

Icuthimoffbeforehecouldsayhewouldquithisjob.Butthewordsthatpoppedoutofmymouth

weremuchmorecruelthanIhadintended.Hismouthpartedinsurpriseandhisbrowsfurrowed.

“It’snotworthittometoputmylifeonholduntilMay.Idon’twanttohavetowait.”

HestaredatmeforafewsecondsbeforeIturnedandwalkedasconfidentlyasIcouldmusterout

ofthepracticefacilitytotheparkinglot.AndthenwhenIreachedmycarandclosedmyselfinside,I
cried.Icriedallthewayhome,Icriedintheshower,andIcriedinbed.

Ishouldhavejusttoldhim.

IshouldhavetoldhimthatIheardtheconversation,andgonewiththeoriginalplantowait.

ButafterseeingMackstormawayafterpracticeandseeinghowdejectedhelookedatthegame,I

knewthattheonlywayforustomoveforwardwouldbeseparately.Andtodothatwewouldneedto
putapinineverything.

Thelongingglanceswouldstop.Thestolenkisseswhennoonewaslookingwouldstop.Butonly

ifIhurthim.Ijustwasn’tpreparedforwhatthewordswouldfeellikeoncetheyleftmymouth.Itwas
vile,andIcouldbarelystandthesightofmyself.

“Ican’tbelieveyousaidthatshittohim,”Charlie’svoicesnapsmeoutofamemorythat’s

makingmephysicallyill.“Youshouldhavejustbeenfuckinghonest!”

She’sshouting.Like,actuallyshouting.

“Youdon’tlivemylife,Charlie,”Isayinexasperation.“Youdon’tgettotellmewhatchoicesI

shouldandshouldn’tbemaking.”

“Youknowwhat?Fine!Butwhenyourealizethemistakeyou’vemade,andyouactuallysitand

reflectonwhatamiserablebitchyouwere,howhurtfulyouweretoamanwhohasbeennothingbut
openandkindandvulnerablewithyou,don’tcometalktomeaboutit.Becausemyresponseisgoing
tobeanastylittleItoldyouso.”Andwiththat,shestormsoutofmyroomandslamsherbedroom

door.

Ihuffoutanothersigh.Ifeellikethat’sallI’vebeendoingallday.Sighingaboutmylife,when

inreality,I’vemadethesedecisionsmyself,soIshouldn’tbedisappointed.

God,butthelookinMack’seyes.ActuallysayingthewordsIt’snotworthittome?Idon’tthink

I’veeversaidsomethinginsuchanintentionallyhurtfulwaytosomeonewhodidn’tdeserveit.

ButIcan’tletMackquithisjoborgetfiredoverme.EspeciallywhenIdon’tthinkIwouldn’t

makethesameriskforhim.Hetookthatstepforwardandreachedbackforme,andIliterallyspitin
hishandandwalkedintheotherdirection.

Iletoutagroanandleanbackagainstthefootofmybed.Sothisiswhatitfeelsliketobea

bitch?Idon’tknowhowGinadoesiteveryday.It’sexhausting.

ChapterThirteen

WhenFridaynightrollsaround,I’mnearlysickwithanxiety.Ifoughtwithmyselfforhours

today,talkingmyselfinandoutofcallingThomasandcanceling.Ultimately,Ichosetogowiththe
flow.Goingonanormaldatelikeanormalcollegestudentis…well,it’snormal.It’swhatIshouldbe
doing,insteadofsneakingaroundandhidingwithmycoach,makingoutonthefloorofmy
apartmentandindarkparkinglots.

Charliehasbeenstompingaroundtheapartmentallevening,makingherdistastefortheentire

situationknown.Herglareshavenotgoneunnoticed,either.

“I’mleaving!”Sheshoutstomefromtheentry.

WhenIcomedownthestairs,readyformyowndate,she’sstandingatthedoorsortingthrough

herclutch.She’sdressedtokillinaclassyredcap-sleevedsilkdresswithasweetheartneckline.Her
hairisupinanincrediblycomplicatedtwist.Ithinkit’scalledachignon,buttheonlyinteresting
hairstyleIknowisthefrenchbraid,soIcan’tbesure.

Shelookselegantandunderstatedinherbeauty,whichisn’thernormallook.She’smuchmore

ofa‘checkoutmyawesomerack’kindofgirl,ratherthansomeonewhopayshomagetoAudrey
Hepburninthefashiondepartment.

“Charlie,”Ibreathe.“Youlookamazing!”

Hereyesflipuptomeandforabriefmoment,Ithinkshe’sgoingtosaysomethingabouthow

she’sdressed.Shelooksvulnerable.Breathtakinglybeautiful,butnervous.NottheCharlieIknow.

Butthenhereyesnarrowandshescansmeupanddown.Sherollshereyesandsnorts.

“Youcouldn’tmanageanythingotherthanjeansforMack,andthenyoudresslikethatforthis

Thomasguy,whoyoudon’tevencareabout?”Sheshakesherheadandstrutstowardsthedoor.

Istandfrozenhalfwaydownthestairsinmyblackdress.TheonedressIownthatmakesmefeel

beautiful.AndCharliehasjustmademeitclearthatthedressisdoingnothingtohidemyshameful
behavior.

“Havefunonyourdate,”shemocks.“Trynottoripthisguy’sheartouttoo,wouldyou?”

TheslamofthedoorstartlesmeeventhoughIknewitwascoming.Istayonthestairsforafew

minutes,unsurewhattodowithmyself.Ijuststandthere,frozen,Charlie’swordsseepingthrough
me.

It’saknockonthedoorthatforcesmeoutofmytrance,andwhenIopenit,myheartbreaksat

Thomasstandingonmyporchwithasmallbouquetinhishands.

“RJ,wow,”hesayswithasweetsmile.“Youlook…wow,youlookbeautiful.”

Imuststandtherefortoolongwithoutsayinganything,becausehissmilefadesalittlebit.

“Youokay?”

Inodtoohardandopenthedoor,indicatingthatThomasshouldcomeinside.Theminutehe

placesafootacrossthethresholdofmyapartment,Iputahandontohischesttostophim.

Hetakesastepback,lookingincrediblyconfused.

“I’mguessingyou’renotokay?”

WhenIfinallyfindmyvoice,I’msurprisedaboutwhatcomesoutofit.

“I’msorry,Thomas,butIcan’tgoonadatewithyoutonight.”

Heshiftsslightlyonhisfeet,andmyheartclenchesastheunsurelookonhisface.

“Didyou…”heclearshisthroat,“…didyouwanttoreschedule?”

Thereisaverytinysmileonhisfaceandjusttherightamountofhopeinhisvoiceformeto

knowI’mmakingtherightdecision,nomatterhowmystomachturnsoveratmychoice.Ineedto
callitoffnowbeforeIriskhurtinghimfurther.ThelastthingIneedonmyconscienceisanother
woundedheart.

Ishakemyheadslightly.

“No.”Mywordsareawhisper,butIknowhehearsthemwhenthatsmallsmileslipsaway

completely.“I’msosorry,Thomas.Youarehandsomeandsmartandcharming,andifIwasn’ttotally
hunguponsomeoneelse,Iwouldfeelsoluckytobegoingonadatewithyoutonight.”

“Butyouarehunguponsomeoneelse.”Inodandheletsoutabreath.“IknewIshouldhave

askedsooner.Ijustcouldn’tgetupthenerve.”

Heshakeshisheadalittlebitandlooksdownathisshoes.Hisshinyshoes,beneathhisslacks,

whichhasacollaredshirttuckedintoit.He’sevenwearingatie,whichhereachesuptoadjust
slightly.

“There’snotanychanceinthefuture,isthere.”

Hedoesn’tsayitasaquestion,soIknowhealreadyknowstheanswer.WhenIshakemyheadno

inconfirmation,henods.

“Thanksforatleastbeinghonest,”hesays,takingastepback.“Andyoureallydolookbeautiful,

RJ.I’msureiftheguyyou’rehungupondoesn’tfigurehisshitoutquickly,thereareloadsofguys
whowouldlovetobeonyourarm.”

IfonlyheknewitwasmyownfaultthatIwasalone.ButIdon’ttellhimthat.InsteadIallowhim

tohandmethebouquetandkissmelightlyonthecheek.ThenIwaveslightlyandclosethedooron
Thomas’retreatingform.Iwalkslowlyintothelivingroomandsitdownonthecouch,staringata
blanktelevisionscreen.

Ifeeloutofcontrol.Myemotions.Myfears.Mydecisions.It’slikeIneverknowwhatI’mgoing

todoorsayuntilrightwhenIdoorsayit.I’veneverbeenthatperson.I’m‘thoughtfuland
intentional’accordingtoCharlie.I’m‘afuturethinker ’accordingtoJeremy.

Buttonight,Ifeellikenoneofthosethings.Ifeellackinginanykindofplanordirection.Ikeep

hurtingthepeoplearoundme.

AndIcan’tstandit.

*****

TheslammingofthedoorjoltsmewhereI’vefallenasleeponthecouch,andmyeyesflyopen.I

stretchalittlebituntilIhearamumblingwhisperintheentryway.

“…suchbullshit.LikeIdon’tknowwhat’shappening.Ofallthe…”

Charlie’smumbledrantingstopswithahaltwhensheseesmesittingonthecouch.Sheraisesan

eyebrowandglancesatherphone.

“It’s8:30.Wasthedatethatbad?”

MyfacecrumplesandIlookbackdownatmyhands,willingmyselftomaintaincontrolofmy

emotions.

“Ididn’tgo.”

OnlyafewsecondspassbeforeCharlieisploppeddownonthecouchnexttome,wrappingher

armsaroundmeandpullingmeintoatightembrace.

“Didyoucallhimandcancel?”

Ishookmyhead.

“Itoldhimtherewassomeoneelsewhenheshowedupatthedoor.”

EventhoughIcan’tseeherface,IcanfeelCharlie’swince.

“Ouch.”

“Iknow.Notoneofmyfinermoments.Ihaven’tbeenhavingalotoffinemomentsrecently.”

CharliepullsbacktolookatmeandI’mhappytoseethatherpreviousbitterdeathglareis

replacedbyhernormalexpressionfullofcareandwarmth.

“Butyoudidtherightthing,evenifithurtyouboth.”Sherubsherhandsupanddownonmy

upper-arms,attemptingtosootheme.“Itwouldn’thavebeenfairofyoutogoonadatewithThomas
whenyou’reclearlyinlovewithMack.”

Iscoff.

“Iamnotinlovewithhim,Charlie.I’veknownhimfortwoweeks.Ijust…”Isigh.“He’sjust

important,that’sall.”

“Soimportantthatyouhadtostomponhisheart?”

Iletoutabreath.

“He’llbefine.I’msurehe’salreadybowingdowntotheRonnieKadealtar.”

Charliegiggles.

“Youknowthat’snottrue.”

“DoI?”Isitbackandcurlmylegsunderapillow.“ItoldyouwhatJeremysaid.Abouthowhe

usedto,andIquote‘bangeverythinginsight.’Itwouldbeonlynaturalforhimtogobacktothat.I
mean,he’sgorgeous.”

“FuckJeremy.”

Myeyebrowsfeellikethey’reabouttoflyoffmyfaceinsurprise.I’veneverheardCharliesay

somethinglikethataboutmybrother.

“Jeremyisusingguiltabouthisownactionstomanipulatethesituationinamisguidedattemptto

protectyou.AndfromMack,whoisbasicallysomeonewhousedtodowhatJeremyiscurrently
doing.”

Herfaceisthepictureoffrustration,andIfeellikeI’mgettingsomeinsightintosomeofher

irritationswithJeremyinthepast.

“Areyougoingtoletanothermandictateyourlifechoices?Yourdaddiditforyears,andnow

you’relettingyourbrotherforceyouintoasituationwhereyou’reeithernottogether,orMackloses
hisjobandyouareapariah.Thisisn’tTheScarletLetter,RJ.Youhaveotheroptionswithouthaving
tobrandyourselfwithsomeshamefulmonogram.”

“I’mnotsureTheScarletLetterreallyapplieshere,but…”

“Comeon,Itriedtomakealiteraturereference.Ishouldgetmadpointsforthat.”

Iletoutahalflaugh.

“Maybe.”Ipause.“MaybeIshouldtrytotalktoJeremyagain.Gethimtoseeitfrommy

perspective.”

Charlieshakesherhead.

“Idon’tthinkthat’swhatyoushoulddo.Imean,it’sbasicallyhisfaultthatMack’sworriedabout

losinghisjobanyway,right?Soyoutalkingtohimisn’tgoingtomakethatproblemgoaway.”

Mybrowfurrows.

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

Charlie’sfaceblanches,hereyesgoingwide.

“Charlie,whatdoyoumeanit’sJeremy’sfaultthatMackisworriedabouthisjob?”

“Uhmmm…”Hereyesareburningholesintoherhands,herfeet,thewall.Sheislooking

anywherebutatme.“Imayhaveoverheardsomething,”shefinallysaysinamumble.

Isitforward,thepillowinmylapfallingforward.

“What?”

“Well,”shetwistsherfingersinherlap.“JeremymadeaphonecalltoMacktonight.Ididn’t

heareverything,andIdon’tknowthewholestory,butitsoundedlikeJeremywasfollowingupto
makesureyouguysweren’ttogether.Liketheyhadtalkedbefore…orsomething.”

Mymindisreeling.Allofthebloodinmybodyhasflowntomycheeksandmyneck,andI

knowIambrightredwithangerasIsortthroughtheinformationCharliehasjustgiventome.Ican
literallyfeelmyselfgoingfromzerotosixtyinalmostnotimeatall.

Suddenly,I’moffthecouchandslippingintomyshoes,rushingaroundthelivingroomina

frenzy.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Charlieasks,thenervesinherbodyclearintheshakeofhervoice.

“WhatdoyouthinkI’mdoing,Charlie?I’mgoingtofuckingmurdermybrother.”

*****

IttakesmealmostnotimeatalltofindoutthatJeremyandsomeof‘theGalaxyhotties’have

snuckoutofateam-hostedphilanthropiceventandaregrabbingdrinksatSmoggyTavern,thanksin
largeparttothefangirlpagesthatblastupdatesontheirwhereabouts.MLSstarsdon’tgetalotof
attention,buttheladieswhofocusonthemsurearededicated.

IttakesmetwentyminutestomakeitfromGlendaletoDowntownLA,amiraculousoccurrence

onaFridaynightwhentheLakersareplaying.Iparkinthepublicparkinglotafewblocksdownand
swallowthefrustrationatpayingthehighcostthataccompaniesconvenientparkinginLosAngeles.

BythetimeIgetthroughthedoorsofSmoggyTavern,I’msuremyeyesareblazinginrage,as

thedoormandoesn’tevenbothercardingme.Iletmyeyesscanthedimlylitbar.WhenIdon’tsee
JeremyIplowthroughthecrowdtogettoTheAlley,theoutdoorseatingareathatSmoggyTavern
usestoaccommodatesmokersandcrowdsonbusiernights.

AssoonasIgetoutside,Iseehimsittingwithagirlonhislap,laughingatsomeotherguyathis

table.They’rewearingsuitsandlookverycleancutandincrediblycharming.GoodthingIknow
better.

IstormquicklyovertohistableandseetheshockonhisfacewhenIgetcloseenoughtocatch

hiseyes.

“Rach?Whatareyou…”

Butbeforehecangetawordout,I’veslappedhimacrosstheface.

Hard.

Thegirlonhislapgetsupquickly.

“Ididn’tknowhehadagirlfriend,”shesaysquickly.

“Don’tworry.I’mhissister.YoucanstillmakeaplayforhisdickonceI’veleft.”

ThewordsI’mspittingoutofmymoutharelacedwitheveryounceofthefrustrationthathas

boiledalongtheedgesofmyskinasIdrovehere.Jeremy’sheadjerksbackinsurpriseatwhatI’ve
said,theredmarkonhisfacebecomingmoreapparentasthegirlquicklyslipsaway.

“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”

“WhatthehellamIdoing?Howabout,whatthehellareyoudoing?”Hejustcontinuestostareat

me.“DidyouthreatenMack’sjob?”

Mywordscomeoutincredulous,andI’malmosthopefulthathewilldenythem.I’dratherbe

wrongandfeellikeanassholeforslappingmybrother.

ButJeremy’sbrowfurrowsinfrustration,andIinstantlyknowI’mnotwrong.

“Sothatprickdecidedtotellyouinsteadofdoingtherightthingandendingit?”

IleanintowardsJeremy,myentirebodyvibratingwithuncheckedemotions.

“No,youson-of-a-bitch.Charlietoldme.”

Hiseyeswiden,justslightly.Myvoiceislowtokeepanyneighboringtablesfromoverhearing,

butloudofenoughforJeremy.

“Canyouimaginewhatitwasliketolearnthatmybrotherthreatenedamanwithhislivelihood

inanattempttomanipulateasituationinawaythatserveshimself?Doyouhaveanyideawhatitfeels
liketobeme?ToknowthattheonepersonItrustedtohavemyback,nomatterwhat,hasstolenaway
thesmallpieceofhappinessthatI’vetriedtocarveoutformyself?”

Jeremyrollshiseyes,effectivelythrowinggasolineonmyfire.

“Ithinkyou’rebeingalittleover-the-tophere,Rach.Smallpieceofhappiness?Comeon.That’s

sodramatic.Theguy’sadouche.”

“Youhavenofuckingcluewhatyou’retalkingabout,”Ireply.“AndIamlettingyouknowright

now,Jeremy.Iwillneverforgiveyouforthis.Manipulation,cruelwords,apparentlyrevelinginmy
distress.”Ishakemyheadathim.“SoundslikeapagerightoutoftheFrankJamesonplaybook.”

Jeremy’sfacelosesalittlebitofcoloratthosewords,andforamomentIthinkhe’scometohis

senses.ButthenIseetheresolveinhiseyes.Hestandsquickly,grabbingmyarmandleadingme
towardsthedoorleadingbackinsideSmoggyTavern.

“Ifmywordsandactionsdon’thaveanyimpactonyou,maybesomethingalittlemorevisual

willdothetrick.”

Icanbarelyhearhimovertheloudvoicesandlaughterashedragsmefurtherintothethrongs

ofpeoplesurroundingthebar.Whenhestopssuddenly,Ialmostplowrightintohisback.

“Whatareyoudoing,Jeremy?”Ishout.

HestepsoutofmywayandwhenIlookathim,hepointstomyright.

WhenIturntolook,Iallowmyeyesaminutetoadjusttothedimlightingthatimpactedmy

visionthefirsttimeIwalkedin.WhenIcanfinallysee,IwishIcouldn’t.BecausewhatIseedecimates
me.

BehindaropedoffVIPsectionisaseparatedancefloor.It’sfairlyfull,butnotoverflowing.

RightinthemiddleisMack.AndwrappedaroundhimlikeavineisRonnieKade.Theirmovements
aresosexualthatIliterallycan’tbelievewhat’shappeningjustafewfeetawayandintheeyesofthe
generalpublic.

Theirmouthsarelockedtogetherinwhatlookstobeadeep,passionatekissthatneverends.

Ronnie’slegiswrappedaroundMack’ship,whichheisgrippingroughlywithonehand.They’re
grindingintoeachotherintimewiththemusic,hisotherhandsqueezingherassoverhervery,very
shortgreenstraplessdress.

I’mrootedlikeatreetothespot,staringatthem.It’sawkwardanduncomfortable,butit’salmost

likeIneedtosearthisvisualintomybrain.

WhenRonnielowersherlegandbreakstheirkiss,sheturnsinMack’sarmsandbeginsrubbing

herassagainstthefrontofhim.Onelargehandgripsherhip,theothersplaysonherstomach.Ican
seeMackclosehiseyesandleanhisheadback,bitinghislipinecstasyastheycontinuewhatis
obviouslyarousingboutofforeplayonthedancefloor.

It’safacealmostidenticaltotheonehemadewhenweweretogetherinfrontoftheRecreation

Centre.AndseeinghimjustafewdayslaterwithRonnie…well,I’veneverfeltmorelikeacheapslut
thenwhilewatchingthemtogether.

“Iwantedyoutoseewhathe’sreallylike,”Jeremy’svoicecutsthroughthefogIwasin.“You

wouldn’tlistentome,butthisistheguyhe’salwaysbeen.Youdeservebetter,Rach.”

IturnsharplyawayfromMackandRonnieandstareatJeremy.Tearsfillmyeyesaswejust

lookateachother.Finally,IsimplyturnawayfromhimandwalkoutofSmoggyTavern,backtomy
carintheoverpricedlot,anddriveaway.

ThevisualofMackandRonniestayswithmeevenonceI’mbackinmybed,andI’mwishingI

couldrewindthepastfewweeksandstartover.

*****

TosayIdon’twanttobeatpracticetodayisanunderstatement.Myfeetaresluggish,myhands

areslow,andIfeellikeburstingintotearseverytimeIcatchsightofMackonthesidelinesaswe
completerapidthree-on-threedrills.

WhatshouldbolstermyflaggingenergyisMack’sappearance.Helooksalittlebitnauseousand

alotexhausted,andhasbeendefaultingtoCoachJohnson’sleadallmorning.

Butinreality,Ican’tfeelgoodthatMacklookssobad.Becausehisappearanceandlackoffocus

issimplyareminderthathespentthenightwithRonnie.Ispendtheentirepracticefightingoff
imagesofthetwoofthemtwistedupinasweatymessinwhatarelikely1000threadcountsheetson
Ronnie’sround,rotatingbedsurroundedbymirrors.

Okay,soIdoubtanyofthat’strue,butithelpsjustalittletopretendshe’sabadpornstarinstead

ofwhatshereallyis.

Gorgeous.

Perfect.

Theliteralantithesistomyaverageandawkwardself.

Asthemorningprogresses,myupsetmoodswaysbackandforthbetweensadnessandanger.At

onepoint,Iattemptapathyanddisinterest,butfail.Andunfortunately,forbothmeandforMack,as
practicewrapsup,itstaysfirmlyplantedinangerthatunleashesitselfwhenIfindmyselfinthe
doorwayofMack’soffice.

“Roughnight,coach?”ThewordsarefrommylipsbeforeIcanstopthem.

Mack’sheadsnapsupfromhisdeskwhereheistakingnotes,hiseyeslockingonmethen

strayingbehindmetotheemptydoorway,presumablytoconfirmthatI’malone.

“Youcouldsaythat,”hereplieswarily.Thenhisfacechangesjustslightly,revealingjustthehint

ofbitterness.“Howwasyourdate?”hespitsout.

“Myeveningwasabsolutelyfantastic,”Irespondwithafakesmile.“Itwasprettyenlightening,

actually.”

Mack’seyesdartawayatmywords,thenlockbackinonme.

“Ifeellikeyou’retryingtobeasmart-assbutIdon’tknowwhy.”Somatter-of-fact.“You’rethe

onewhosetupadatewithsomeoneelse,RJ.”

Stillstandingintheopendoorway,Istepinsideandclosethedoorbehindme.

“Icancelledmydate.”

Mack’smouthopensjustafractioninsurprise.Theangerthathasbeenholdingmyheartina

vicefinallyloosensassadnessfloodsmybody.

“Iheardthephonecall,”Iwhisper.“WithAmy.Aboutyoupossiblylosingyourjob.”

Mackissilentashewatchesme,shockstillevidentonhisface.

Ishakemyheadslightly.

“AcceptingthedatewithThomaswasaknee-jerkreactionandamistake.Iwasgoingtotalkto

youaboutit,aboutthefactIoverheard,atpracticethatdaywhenThomasmentionedourplans.When

Isawhowhurtyouwere,itjustseemedlikeaneasierwaytomanageit.Itwouldbeeasiertoletyou
bemadatmethantorisklosingyourjob.ButwhenThomasshowedupatmyhouseonFridayI
couldn’tdoit.Iknewitwasn’tright.KnewthatIwasbetrayingsomethingspecial.”

Istandandwalktothesmallwindow,lookingoutattheskywithoutreallyseeinganythingother

thanablur.

“AndthenCharlietoldmeshethoughtitwasJeremywhothreatenedyourjob.Somethingabout

overhearingaphonecallbetweenthetwoofyou.Idon’tevenknowthewholestory,justthatitwas
hisfault.SoIwentouttofindhimlastnight.”

IturnaroundandfaceMackwherehestillsitsathisdesk.

“AtSmoggyTavern.”

Mack’sfacegoesslackandhelooksdownathisdesk,hiseyesmovingrapidlyacrossthepapers

scatteredinfrontofhim.

“AndIconfrontedJeremy.AndthenJeremydraggedmeinsideandthereyouwere,withRonnie.

Onthedancefloor.”

AtearslipsdownmycheekandIquicklybatitaway.

“Andthethingis,Ishouldn’tbethisupsetbecauseyouaren’tmine.Somaybeusfallingapart

solvestheproblem,Mack.”

Ishrug,tryingtoplayeverythingoff.

“Maybeus‘figuringthingsout’justmeantfiguringoutthatwearen’tafit.It’snotjustbad

timing.Whatyouwantinagirl…Ican’tbethatandIdon’twanttobe.”

Mack’sbrowfurrows.

“WhatIwantinagirl?RJ,I…”

“Idon’tneedyoutoclarifyanythingforme,okay?”I’mquicktorespond,cuttinghimoffmid-

sentence.“We’vebeenherebefore,remember?AfterthefirsttimeIsawyoutwotogether.Ifeellike
wekeepcomingbacktothisplacewherewemisunderstandormiscommunicateandthenweboth
assumetheworst.AndIneverthoughtIwouldbethisjealousperson.Butknowingthatthetwoofyou
haveanobviouslyvery…very,sexualhistoryandthatitwassoeasyforyoutopickitupagain…I
justdon’tseehowthatleavesusinaspacewherewecanmoveforwardwhenthatkindoflifeisthe
normforyou.”

“Butit’snotthenormforme,RJ.”

Ishakemyhead.

“Don’tlietome,Mack.Notnow.Wehavebeenbrutallyhonestwitheachother.Ithasbeenthe

onebeautifulconstantinthisnon-relationship,sodon’tstartlyingnow.”

Mackissilentforamoment,hishandsplayingwithhisblackwristband.Thelookonhisfaceis

differentthanwhatI’veseenbefore.Helooksstoppedup,likehewantstosaysomethingbutcan’t
verbalizethewordsorcan’tforcehimselftosaythem.

Whenhestandsabruptlyandwalksovertome,I’mstartled.BeforeIevenknowwhatis

happening,hishandsareonmyface,pullingmeintoakiss.It’sdelicateandsweet,anditwouldbeso
easytojustfallintoeverythingthatishimandgetsweptupinit.ButIpullawaybeforeitcangoany
further.

“RJ,”Mackwhispers,keepinghishandsonmyface,hiseyeslatchedontomine.“Thatwasthe

normforme.Alongtimeago.Butitisn’twhoIamnowanditisn’twhoIwanttobe.”

Ishakemyheadagain,dislodginghishandsandtakingastepback.

“Howmanygirlshaveyousleptwithsinceyou’vebeeninLA,Mack?”

“Whatdoesthathavetodowithanything?”

“Justtellme.”

Hepausesforabeat,andmystomachplummetswhenforabriefmoment,Iworrythathe

doesn’tactuallyknow.Maybethenumberistoohigh.Maybehedoesn’trememberbecauseitisalla
blurmixedinwithalcoholandparties.AlifeIcan’tgetwrappedupin.

“None.”

Myheadjerksslightlyinsurprise.

“What?”

“None.Isthatsurprisingtoyou?”

Ijuststandthere,confused.

“ButJeremysaid…”

“So,therealrootoftheproblem,”Macksaysonafrustratedexhalation.“Jeremy.”

Hetakeshishandsandtwiststhemintohishair,thendownacrosshisfaceinfrustrationand

disappointment.

“ApparentlyI’vebeengettingravereviews.”

Histoneisslightlybitter,hiseyesglassingintoafrostyglare.

“Whatdidmydearfriendtellyouaboutme?”

Iswallowhard,unsurehowtoanswerthequestion.DoItellhimwhatI’vereadonline?What

I’veheardfromthegirls?WhatJeremyhastoldme?

“Comeon,RJ,”hesays,ashewalksbackwardsandleansagainsthisdesk,crossinghisarms.

“Youowemeachancetohearwhat’sbeensaid.”

Iswallowhard,again,mythroatdry.

“Hesaidyousleptaroundalotaftertheaccident,”Ifinallygetout.“Andonetimeyouhada

threesomewithstrippersatthestripclubinapublicspace.”

Iseethewinceonhisface,hisembarrassmentclear.

“Andthatyouwereinstitutionalizedforamentaldisorderorsomething,whichiswhyyouleft

theteaminChicago.”

Hisheadfallsforwardandhegrabsthebridgeofhisnose.

“Anythingelse?”Hiswordsaresmall,hisfacemorphedintoamixtureofdiscomfortand

frustration.

“Hesaidyou’veonlybeeninLAafewweeksandhavealreadysleptwithabunchofwomen.”

Mackreleaseshisnoseandgripshishandsagainstthedeskheisleaningon,hiseyeslooking

backuptomine.

“Andyourhonestreactionstothosethings?”

Iletoutanuncomfortablelaugh,shiftingonmyfeet.WhenIrealizeIhavebittenmythumbnail

downtoofar,Iquicklypullitfrommymouthandgripbothhandsbehindme.

“Honestly?”Henods.“Yourpastdoesn’tbotherme,Mack.It’syourpresentandfuturethat

matter,andIjustdon’tseehowIcouldeverfitintoit.”

Helookssurprisedatmyresponse,whatwithhowhetiltshisheadtothesideandbeginsto

assessmeasifIamapuzzlehecan’tsolve.

Butbeforehecansayanythingtome,there’saknockonhisdoor.Iturnquicklyandopenit,

feelingslightlyflusteredatbeinginterruptedatwhatfeelslikeacriticalmomentforbothofus.

“Whatareyoudoingansweringthedoor?”Gina’swordsaredrippingwithirritation.

“Gina,wewerejustfinishingameeting,”Mack’sfirmresponsecomesfrombehindme.

Slippingasweetexpressionontoherface,shepeersaroundmeatMack,whoremainsseatedon

theedgeofhisdesk.

“Sorry,Coach.I’malittleearlyforour…,”shetrailsoff,hereyesflyingtomine.“…meeting.”

IlookatMackandhavetodomybesttonotrollmyeyes.

“I’massumingwe’redonehere?”Isay,thenervousenergyonmyskinbeginningtobuild.

Macklooksatmeforabeat,hisgazehardandfocused.

“We’refinishedfornow,Ms.Jameson.Butwe’redefinitelynotdone.”

Idon’tevenhaveamomenttodigesthisdouble-meaningbeforeGinapipesinfrombesideme.

“Pissoffthecoach,RJ?”shewhispers.“Thatpolishedlookyouusedtohavejustkeepswearing

downfurtherandfurther.”

ThistimeIdon’ttrytohidetherollofmyeyes.

“Haveagoodmeeting,Gina,”Isayclearly.“Ihopeyou’renotheretotalktoCoachabout

startinganewjuicecleanse.”Herfaceblanchesjustslightly,hermouthgoingslack.“Ihearthose
havebeenroughonyouinthepast.”

“Fuckingbitch,”GinamuttersasIwalkpastheranddownthehall.

Twentyminuteslater,I’mopeningmyfrontdoorwhenatextcomesthrough.

Mack:ImeantwhatIsaid.We’renotdone

Me:That’sveryalpha-maleofyouandnotreallymystyle

Mack:Ideserveachancetotellyouaboutmylifefrommyperspective

Iplaywithmyphoneforafewminutes,unsureofhowtorespond.Yes,logicallyhedoes

deserveachancetotellmeabouthislife.

Iguess.

Iwouldn’twantsomeonetogoabouttheirdaysassumingthingsaboutmewithoutlettingme

separatefactfromfiction.Butwhatcanhesaythatwillchangethings?

Wearen’tagoodfit.We’retoodifferent.We’velivedverydifferentliveswithverydifferent

codesofconduct.Whathopedoweactuallyhaveof‘figuringthingsout’atthispoint?

Apparently,apartofmethinksthereisthetiniestsliverofhope,becausemyresponseisdirect

andshort,buteager.

Me:I’mfreetonight

ChapterFourteen

MackandIarecurrentlystaringateachother,notsayinganything.

Iarrivedathishouseabouttwentyminutesagoandhehasofferedmesomethingtodrinkthree

times,checkedonthechickenbakingintheoventwice,andhasfoundatleastafewreasonstogetup
andleavetheroom.

Butnow,herewesit.Juststaringateachotherinthesmalllivingroomofthesmallbackhouse

he’srentingfromhissister.

IwassurprisedwhenIwalkedin,expectingittolooklikethequintessentialbachelorpad.White

wallsanddarkfurniturepointedatablackentertainmentsystemwithnothingpersonalonthewallsor
sidetables-ifthereevenweresidetables.ButIwaspleasantlyshockedatthewarmthIfeltinwhat
wasclearlyasmallhomedecoratedbyAmy.

Theopenkitchenandlivingroomaredecoratedinsoftcolorswithelegantfinishes.Stainless

steelappliancesinthesmallkitchen,gorgeousgranitecountertops,flowersonthesmallwooden
kitchentable.Throwpillowsareonthecouch,anarearugonthefloor,photosofMackandAnnaata
parkareonthewalls,rusticwoodenfurnituremutesanexpensive-lookingTVandsoundsystem.An
openhallwayinthecornerleadstowhatIamassumingareMack’sbedroomandbathroom.

Itdoesn’tfeellikeMackjuststayshere.ItfeelslikeMackliveshere.AndIlikeit.

ButthewarmthIfeltatthedesignandstylewasquicklysquashedbyhowawkwardand

uncomfortableourinteractionshavebeensinceI’vegottenhere.We’veexchangedonlyafewwords,
andthey’vebeensostiltedandforced,sounlikeanyofourpreviousinteractions.IfeellikeIhaveto
saysomethingbeforeitgetsevenmoreawkwardanduncomfortable.

“Ilikeseeingyouhere,”hesayssoftly,startlingmejustalittlebitaftersomuchsilenceand

staring.

“What?”

“You.Inmyspace.Ilikeyoubeinghere.”Imustlookconfused,becausehepresseson.“After

ourdate,Ithoughtaboutinvitingyouoverhere,fordinner.Iwasgoingtoaskyoutocomeoverand
havedinnerwithme,andseeifIcouldgetyoutospendthenight.”

Mybreathcatchesjustalittlebitinsurprise,butheeitherdoesn’thearitordoesn’tcare.

“I’dalreadyaskedyoutogototheAtwatergame,butitwasMondaymorningwhenIsentthat

text,andthegamewasn’tuntilFridaynight.Thatwastoolong.I’vealwaysbeentheguywhoplaysit
coolordoesn’tcareenoughtothinkthatfaraheadwhenitcomestothewomenI’ve…spenttime
with.ButitwasMondayandFridaywasfivedaysawayandIwantedtoinviteyouoversoIcouldsee
yousooner.SoIcouldkissyouagain.SoIcouldhaveyounearmeandwrapmyarmsaroundyou,
becausehavingyouagainstmefeltsodamngood.”

Myfaceandneckflushathiswords,mybodyunabletoresistreactingtosomeoftheimagesthat

popintomymind.

“Butthenyouwereinmyofficeandyouweremyathleteanditquicklybecameclearthat

invitingyoufordinnerthatnightwasn’tgoingtohappen.”

Ijustnod.Idon’tthinkhe’ssaidanythingthatwarrantsaresponse,justyet,soIsettlefurtherinto

theincrediblycomfortablecouchandcurlmylegsunderneathme.

“ButIwasleveled,RJ.Literallycrushedbythethoughtthatitwasoverbeforeitwasevergiven

thechancetoreallybegin.Itmademefeeloutofcontrol,andIcan’t…Idon’tknowhowtocopewith
beingoutofcontrolofmylifeanymore.I’vebeenthere.I’vefeltthatfeelingofnotknowingwhat’s
nextandnotknowingwhatdecisionstomake,orwhat’srightandwhat’swrong.AndIhatethat
feelingmorethananything.”

Well,itseemslikewehaveonehugethingincommon.

Hestandsupfromtheloveseathe’sbeenperchedonandwalksovertothecouchwhereI’m

sitting.Hetakestheseatnexttome,closeenoughthatIcanfeelthewarmthfromhisbodyradiating
towardsme

Iwanttocurlupintoitandabsorbeverythingheis.

Whenhishandreachesoutformine,Ilethimtakeit,threadingourfingerstogether.Isay‘let’,

asifIdon’twanthimtoholdmyhand,butthatwouldbeabold-facedlie.Ilovefeelingthatphysical
connectiontohim,evenifit’sjustpalmtopalm.

“ThereasonIhatethatfeelingisbecausethelasttimeIfeltthatway,I…”,andthenhestops.

WhenIlookupfromourentwinedhandsathisface,Iseethatheisstrugglingtospeak.I’mnot

surewhetherhedoesn’tknowwhattosay,howtosayit,orisafraidofthestoryhewantstotell,butI
squeezehishandonceinreassurance.

I’mhere,Itellhimwithoutwords.

I’mnotgoinganywhere.

Heletsoutabreathanduntangleshisfingersfrommine.BeforeIcanprotest,hetakesmyhand

andplacesitinhis,thenbeginstostrokethebackofitwithhisotherhand.Soothingcircles,
somethinghedidonceonmywrist,althoughtherewasaninnatesensualityinitlasttime.Thistime,
though,itseemslikehe’stryingtosoothehimselfwiththeslowmovements.

“WhenIdroppedoutofcollegetojointheFire,IthoughtIhaditmade.Iwasbarelytwentyyears

oldandI’dsignedadecentcontract.Isuddenlyhadmoneywhenwedidn’treallyhaveitgrowingup.
TheFirehadareputationforbeingkindofapartyteamandIjustwentwithit.I’dliketosaythat
wasn’twhoIwas,butthat’salie.Ilikedeverythingthatcamealongwithbeingapartofthatgroup.I
feltinvincible.”

Hisbodyturnstowardsme,buthiseyesremainlockedonhishandsencasingmine.Thecrease

inhisbrowisprominent,andIwanttotakemyhandandtouchit,kneaditawaywithhisworriesand
fears.BecauseIknowheisabouttotalktomeabouttheaccident,andCherise,andeverythingthat
cameafter.

He’safraidtotellme.

AndIdon’twanthimtobe.

“Onthenightoftheaccident…I’dfoundoutearlierthatdaythatAmyhadbeengettingabused

byherboyfriend.Hewouldjust…hebeattheshitoutofher,andhewasafriendofmine.Hewasmy
friend.AndIdidn’tknowanythingwashappening!”

Hisvoiceraisespitchjustslightly,hiseyesfinallyfindingmine.

“HowdidInotknow?”heasks.ButbeforeIcanrespondhedivesinagain.

“Andwhentheywerehavingaroughtime,myfriendtoldmeallthesehorriblethingsabouther

andIbelievedhim.IblamedAmyforit,andtoldhertofigureouthershit,andshestuckitoutlonger,
tryingtochangeherselftobebetterwhenhewastheonewhowasfuckedup.Mymomcalledandtold
methey’dbrokenupandIstartedspoutingoffuntilshetoldmewhathadreallybeengoingon.Ifelt
likeIcouldn’tbreathe.HowcouldIhavetreatedhersopoorlyandnotrealizedwhatwashappening?”

Hestandsquickly,hiswordsflyingout.It’slikeadamhasbeenopenedandhehastopurge

everything.

“Igotcompletelyobliteratedandthengotinthatcar.Idon’tevenremembertheaccident,that’s

howgoneIwas.Iremembergettinginthecarandthenwakingupinthehospital.Icouldn’tmove.I
wassofuckingscaredandwhenmymomtoldmeaboutCherise,Iwasjustsick.Itwaslikemybody
wassettothiscontinuousstateofnausea.Theaccidentfuckedupherspineandshe’dneverwalk
again.Igottowalkawayandshewouldnever.Walk.Again.”

Hejustshakeshishead,hishandsrestingonhiships.Stillsoangryathimself,eventhoughI

knowCheriseisn’t.ThelovethatwomanhasforMackisunconditional.Buthedoesn’tfeelthatway
abouthimself.Atleastnotrightnow,ashereliveshispast.

“Ittookmonthsofphysicaltherapytogetmylegbacktorights.TheFirehadthebesttrainersin

therehelpingmegetbetter.”

“Wait.”Iinterrupt.“Theyhadtrainershelpingyou?Ithoughtyouwerereleasedafterthe

accident.”

Hefinallystopshispacingatmyinterruptionandtakesaseatnexttomeagain,buthedoesn’t

takebackmyhand.

“WhenIwasfinallybetter,Istartedupwiththeguysagain.Darrenhadbeenchargedwith

recklessendangermentandgotoffwithamillioncommunityservicehoursandarevokedlicense,
andeveryonejustkindofplayeditoff,likeitdidn’tmatter.Andthatstartedtoeatatme.Iknewit
mattered.IknewCherise’slifehadbeenchangedforeveranditwasourfault.So…Itriedtoforget.I
triedtolosemyselfinthethingsthatmadeitfeelbetter.”

Ishiftslightlyinmyseat,liftingmylegsandwrappingmyarmsaroundmyknees.It’sa

defensivemove.Iknowthat.I’mprettysureMackknowsit,too.ButIcan’thelpit,andMackleans
backagainstthecouch,awayfromme,respectingthatchoice.

“WhenJeremysaidIwasbangingeverythinginsight…,”hepauses,staringatthecoffeetable.

“Well,hewassayingthatfromtheperspectiveofsomeonewhodidn’tevenreallyknowhalfofwhatI
wasdoing.”

Mystomachdrops,andthebloodinmybodyfeelslikeithasallrushedtothespacearoundmy

neckandears.Canhebeserious?Isthisreally…

“Ihadunsafe,riskysexwithwhoknowshowmanywomenforlike,sixmonthsbecausegetting

lostinsomeoneelsemademefeellikemyownshitdidn’texist.Jeremy’sstoryaboutthestripclub…
I’msureit’strueandthereareprobablyafewotherstoriesjustlikeit.Buttobeentirelyhonest,I
couldn’tevenballparkforyouhowmanywomentherewereortalktoyouaboutsomeofthecrazier
things.Becausemixedinwiththatwasenoughliquortoblackoutagoodportionofthatstuff,andat
theend,therewassomedrugstufftoo.Nothingserious,butpainpillsandanxietymedsthatweren’t
mine.”

Iknowallaboutanxietymedsandwhattheycandotothebody.ForasplitsecondIgetwrapped

upinthatonepieceofinformation.AsifIcanignoreeverythingelsehehassaidandjustfocuson
thatonestatementthatlinksus.

Buthekeepstalking.Hisbreathsoundsdifferent.

Labored.

He’sstruggling.

“OnenightIwasathomealone.Iwasaloneforthefirsttimeinalongtimeanditjustfeltlike…

liketoomuch.IfeltlikeIwasgoingoutofmymindandwasdesperateforsomesemblanceof
normality.Iwaslosingcontrolofeverything.I’dbeenconfrontedattheFireformybehaviorand
slowrecoverybecauseIwasn’tputtinginthework.Amyandmyparentswerebarelyspeakingtome
becauseIwassuchanasshole.Ididn’thaveanyrealfriendsorpeoplewhocaredaboutmeinmylife.
IhadtreatedAmylikeshitwhenshewasgettingabusedandthennearlykilledsomeoneinacar

accident.Ijustfeltfuckinglostandworthless.AndIjustwanteditalltostop.”

InthesamemomentthatIrealizewhathe’stellingme,Iseehimpullofftheblackbandaround

hiswrist.There,againsthistanskin,isamarkafewshadesdarker,runningabouttwoinchesonthe
lengthofhisarm.Myeyeswidenslightly,unabletoactuallybelievethattheconfident,amazingman
infrontofmeeverfeltaslostasIdid.Thatwelivedparallelexistencesevenifourexperienceswere
different.

“Iwaslucky,”hesaysinahumorlesslaugh.“That’swhatthedoctorssaidwhenIwokeup

strappedtoahospitalbed.Oneofmycoacheshadcomebymyhouseonawhimtochataboutme
seeingatherapist,andapparentlyI’dleftmyfrontdoorcrackedopen.Hecameinandfoundmeon
thekitchenfloor.AndIhappenedtolivefiveminutesfromahospital.TheysaidIcutwithintent,and
mostpeoplewhoslicetheirwristsupanddownbleedouttoofastanddon’tmakeit.So,likeIsaid.
Lucky.”

Hebreathesoutagain,thistimeslowly.He’stiredofthisstory.Hewantstowrapitupandmove

on.Thisiswhathewastalkingaboutoutsideofmyapartmentwhenhedrovemehome,whenhetold
meit’smorepainfultotalkabouthispastthanitwastoexperienceit.

“MyparentscameuptoChicagoanddrovemeouttoarehabfacilityinNewYork.Iwasdealing

withmyshitlikesomecelebrity.Itfeltincrediblyself-indulgent,butIknewIneededit.Myguiltabout
AmyandtheaccidentandCherise.ItwaschokingmeandIcouldn’tbreathe.Italkedwiththemabout
thedrinkingandthemedsandthewomen.WhileIwasthereItalkedtotheFireandaskedthemto
breakmycontract.Istillwantedtoplay,buttheFirewasn’tagoodfitforthenewlifestyleIwanted.
AndthenwhenIwasdoneatOakhurst,ImovedbackinwithmyparentsinIndianaandjustkindof…
existed.”

Heleansbackagainstthesofaandcrossesonelegovertheotherinthatverymasculineway.

Anklerestingonknee,legsspreadwide.

“IwasathomeforaboutsixmonthswhenIfinallygotthecouragetoreachouttoCherise.And

shewasjust,”heblowsoutabreath.“Shewasamazing.Andkind,andwarm,andforgiving.AndI
spentaboutayearandahalfoverlyinvolvedinherkids’lives,drivinguptoChicagoallthetime.She
endedupmovingtoLAtobeclosetohermom,andIstartedtofeellostagain.Iwasworkingata
fuckinggymandIjustfeltlikeIwasn’tdoinganythingwithmylifewhenCherisewasstuckinthat
damnchair.WhenJeremytalkedtomeaboutthecoachingjob,italllinedupperfectly.Icouldmove
toLAandstillhelpCherise.Amyandherhusbandwerealreadyhereandmyparentsalwaystalk
aboutretiringinSantaBarbarabecausetheywanttobeinvolvedgrandparents.Ithoughttheremight
beachanceIcouldfinallyturnallmyshitaroundandgetbacktodoingsomethingIloveinaway
thatwasn’tdestructive.”

Idon’trealizehowclosewearetoeachotheruntilIfeelhishandreachoutandtangleinmine

again.Helooksatourhandsforamoment,thentugsitupandkissesmypalm.

“Iknowmylifewasamessatonepoint,”hewhispers,“butthemanJeremyispaintingmetobe

isamanwhowassoincrediblylostthathecouldn’tevenseethepathathisfeet,letaloneawayout.
I’mimperfect,andI’mawork-in-progress.ButI’mnotthatlostguyanymore.”

Wearesilentforlongseconds,juststaringateachother.Asclicheasitsounds,itreallydoes

feellikewearefallingintoeachothers’eyeswithhowdeeplywearewrappedintoeachotherinthis
moment.

Ileanforwardandrestmyheadagainsthischest,myearpressedagainsthimsoIcanhearhis

steadyheartbeat.Hishandsrestonmyshoulderandtwistintomyhair,playingwiththestrands.I
allowmyselftostaylikethisandtakejustamomenttointernalizewhathehassharedwithme.And
it’sinthatexactmomentthatIrealizeI’vestartedfallingforhim,despitemyaggressiveattemptsnot
to.

Ileanbackandlookintohiseyes,justinchesfrommine.

“So,whyareyousharingallofthiswithme?”Ifinallyask.

Iknowmywordssoundimmatureandignorantofabiggerpicture,butIdon’tknowhowelseto

ask.I’mnotsurewhathewantsfromme.Whatoutcomeheseesontheothersideofthismountainof
aconversation.

“Cutrighttothechase,don’tyou?”heaskswithasmallsmile,stillclutchingtomyhand.

WhenIdon’trespondandjustcontinuetolookathim,hefinallyspeaksagain.

“IguessIjustwantedyoutohearitallfrommyside.Youcanchoosewhateveryouwant,RJ.But

Iatleastwantyoutomakeaninformeddecisionbasedonfactsifyou’regoingtowalkawayfrom
whateverwehave.Idon’twantitbasedonJeremy’smisinformationandbullshit.”

Ijustnodslightly.Thatmakessense.He’smanagedtoanswermostofthequestionsIwouldhave

askedhadIfeltthecouragetodoso.ButIstillhavethisunsettledfeelinginmybelly,asifIhavea
beltwrappedaroundmethatissupposedtofitwhenI’mstanding,butistootightwhenIsit.

“So,tosumupcrudelyandincompletedismissalofnuance:youpartiedtoohard,werefeeling

regret,gotinanaccident,hadtroublerecouping,partiedharder,andthenhurtyourselfandhadtogo
torehabtoworkthroughyourproblems.Sincethenyou’vecaredforthefamilyyouimpacted,kept
yourselfemployed,evenifyouwereunhappy,andwereabletoeventuallyfindajobthatyouthought
wouldbeagoodfirststep.”

“Inthesimplestterms,yes.”

“IknowI’mgoingtoregretthisquestionbut,wheredoesRonnieandthebartheothernightfit

intoallofthis?”Ifeelhishandtenseinmine.“Imean,yousaidyouarethisdifferentperson,andI
thinkalotofwhatyou’vetalkedaboutshowsthat.ButMack,theguyIsawatSmoggyTavernlooked
liketheguyyouwerejustdescribing.Hewasmedicatingwithliquorandwomen.Iknowthereare
plentyofpeoplewhodothatandI’mnotjudgingthatbehaviorsolelyonitsown.Butit’ssomething
you’retryingtonotdo,right?”

Mack’shandcontinuestoholdmine,buthiseyesarefocusedonthecoffeetable.

“Idon’twanttobedismissiveofwhatyou’vebeenthrough.Atall,”Isayquickly,interpretinghis

silenceasshockatmyreaction.“Youlivedonarollercoasterforseveralyearsandfoughtreally
hardtocomebackfromthat.Iknow…Iknowsomethingaboutthat.Mylifehasn’tbeenallroses
either.ButItoldyouearlierthatmyrealconcernsaboutthereeverbeingan‘us’havenothingtodo
withyourpast.It’sallaboutwhoyouarenow,andwhoyouwanttobe.AndIjust…Iwonderwhether
whoIamfitsintothelifeyoulivenow,evenwithhowfaryou’vecomeandhowmuchyou’vegrown
asaperson.I’vehadtofighttoothandnailforthelifeI’vebeenabletoscrapetogetherformyself,
andI’mnotsureIamwillingtothrowinaplottwist.”

Mack’seyesfinallyreattachtomine.

“Aplottwist?”

Inod.

“Youknow,acharacteroreventthatchangeseverything.Sometimesit’sjustsafermaintaining

thestatusquountilyoufeelmoresecure.”

Macklightsupjustslightlyatthatstatement.

“AndI’mtheplottwistthatchangeseverything?”

Asmallsmileescapesme.

“Weneedtoworkonyourconfidence,prettyboy.”

“They’reyourwords,notmine,RJ.”Hiseyesboreintomine.“Ifyou’reevenreferringtomein

thosewordsinyourmind,youhavetorealizethatwehavesomethinghere.Somethingspecial.Andat
theriskofsoundingdesperate,whichisabsolutelynotmystyle,Iamterrifiedyou’regoingtoletmy
onestepbackwardsgetinthewayofthepossibilityofusmovingforward.”

Istandsuddenly,feelingoverwhelmedandunsureofwhatIwant.HiswordsremindmeofCC’s

theoryaboutrelationships.Howonepersonisbraveenoughtomoveforwardandthenreachesback
andtriestoencouragetheothertofollow.Iwonderwhatshewouldsayabouttimeswhensomeone
takesastepback.

Butrightnow,Ihavethisbeautiful,smart,warmmaninfrontofmepracticallybeggingmeto

throwallofmyeggsintohisbasket.He’swantingmetoignorewhatIsawlastnightwithRonnie,
ignoretherisksweface,andjustruntohimwithopenarms.

AndI’mnotsureIcandoit

“Whyareyourunningfromthis?”

IlookoveratMackfromwhereIstandatthewindow,feelingthrownoffkilterbyhisstatement.

“Whatdoyoumean?”

Mackshakeshisheadslightly.

“ImeanthatIcanseeyoubattlingwithyourselfoverthere.I’veseenyouatwarwithyourmind

sincethemomentwefoundoutIwasyourcoach.Maybeevenbeforethat.Ifeellikeyouaretryingto
scrambleawayfromus,likewearesomecombustiblething…”

“Butweare!”Ishout,interruptinghimandstartlingmyselfslightlyintheprocess.

Ilowermyvolume,notwantingtobeacrazychickwhoscreamswhenshe’sfrustrated.

“Wearecombustible,Mack,don’tyousee?Wehavethecapabilitytohurtpeople,andhurt

ourselves,andchangethecourseofwhatwewantoutoflife.Doesthatnotbotheryou?”

Icurlmyhandsintoballs,mybreathingbecominglabored.

“Howcanyounotseetheworstcasescenariohere?Icouldbekickedoutofschool,losemy

scholarship,havenowheretogowhenIhavenowaytotakecareofmyself.I’dhavetogobackto…
I’dhavetogofindsomedeadendjobandliveonfoodstamps.”

Myeyesstarttowellup,andIcanfeeltheactualfearofthesethingscoursingthroughmyveins,

lightingupmyskinwithablazeofgoosebumps.Myheartpumpsfastandfierce,mybodyfeeling
likeit’sheatingfrommychestoutward.

“Andyou!Youcouldbefiredandnevercoachagainwhenyou’rejuststartingtofindyourway

outofthedarkness.Andthat’sjustindividually.Whatabouttogether?”

IslammyeyesshutasIfightthetearsthataretryingtoescape.

“Ican’tbestrongforyou,Mack.I’mtoobusytryingtobestrongforme,andtogetpastmyown

shitandwhathappenedtomeandIcan’tbewhatyouwant.Ican’tbethetypeofwomanyoulookfor
orwhatmakesyouhappyandwhathappensifIgiveallofwhoIamtoyouandfindoutlaterI’mjust
athrowawaytoo!?”

Thesilencethatfollowsmyverbaloutpouringisdeafening.Andasmymindrewindsand

replayswhatIsaid,Ifeelthecolordrainfrommyface.

“Whathappenedtoyou?”Hisvoiceisbarelylouderthanawhisper,andIknowthelookonhis

facewillbeoneIdon’twanttosee,soIdon’tlook.

Ijuststandthereandsaynothing.

“Yousaid…youhadtobestrongforyourself.Becauseofwhathappenedtoyou.”

Hesayshiswordsslowly,likehe’sturningthemoverinhishead,tryingtofigureoutany

possiblemeaningbehindwhatIsaid.

“Whathappenedtoyou?”

Suddenly,myworldshiftsandIhavetoleanforwardandbracemyhandsonthewindowsillto

steadymyself.MybreathingstuttersandstopsandstartsasIgaspforbreathbecauseIfeellikeevery
iteminthisroomispiledontopofme,holdingmetothefloorasmylungsclawforair.

Strongarmscomearoundme,pickingmeupandcarryingmesomewhere.ButIfightatthe

embrace,asItrytoinhalesomething.Anything.

“…forme,Rachel,justbreatheforme.”

AhandslowlyrubsmybackasIcurlontomysideandstruggle,struggle,struggletotakeany

belovedoxygenintomybody.

“Comeon.It’sjustyouandme.Justtakeabreathforme,sweetheart”

AndsuddenlyIinhaledeeply,theblurringontheedgesofmyeyesreceding.Iinhaleagainina

largegasp,mybodyscramblingforeverylastbitofairitcantakein.

“That’sit,Rachel.You’regoingtobefine.”

Inhale.

Exhale.

Mymindfeelsfuzzyaftermyanxietyattack,andmybodyhasbrokenoutintoalightsweatthat

isnowchillingmyskin.MyeyeswellwithtearsasIrealizeI’vehadmyfirstfullblownattackin
years,andIhatethatIallowedmyselftogettoapointwhereIwasn’tabletocalmmyselfdown.

ButInoticesomethingdifferent.Somethingthatdoesn’tnormallyhappenwhenIcomedown

fromanattack.Ifindmyselfwrappedinawarmcocoon,againstahardbody,withthescentandfeel
ofsafetyhittingeachofmysenses.

Iburrowdeeperintothewarmth,revelinginthesecurityIfeelinMack’sarms.Afterafew

minuteshaspassedandIfeellikemyhearthasfinallyslowedandmybreathinghasreturnedto
normal,ImovemyheadslightlyuntilI’mlookingdirectlyintoMack’seyes.Wearesnuggled
togetheronoursides,ourfacesinchesfromeachother,asMackrubsmybackinslow,steady
circles.

“Youwouldneverbethattome,RJ,”Mackwhispers,hisgazecombingmyfeatures.“Youcould

never,inamillionyears,bethrowaway.”

Heleansforwardslightly,andpresseshislipstomyforehead,thenmytemple,andmyentire

bodyfinallyreleasesintoapuddlewrappedinhisarmsasIletgoofthefinalpieceoftensionand
anxietyleftoverfrommyattack.

Welaywrappedineachotherforwhoknowshowlong.

It’ssafe.

It’swarm.

Myheartratepicksupandcalmsatthesametime.Andhishandneverslowsonmyback.Not

evenwhenhisphonerings.

Andrings.

Notevenwhenthere’saknockonthedoor.

Butignoringitdoesn’tdoeitherofusanygoodwhenthedoorjustopensandIhearher.

“Mack,whatareyoudoing?”

Hishandstills,andwhenmyeyesdarttohisface,Iseehimstaringabovemyheadatthefront

door.

“Ithoughtwehadplansfortonight.”

Andthewayshesaidplans,Ihaveaveryclearpictureofwhatshemeans.

IknowMackfeelsmetenseinhisarms,andIcansimultaneouslyfeelhimstrugglewithwhether

ornottoholdmetighterorletmego.

“Don’tworry,Ronnie,Iwasjustleaving.”Isay,pullingmyselfoutofMack’sarms,righting

myselfandstandingtooquickly.

Mackreachesouttobraceme,butIleanontheedgeofthecouchinstead,shyingawayfromhis

hands.

“RJ,youshouldn’tgoanywhererightnow.Youneedmoretimetocalmdown.Youcouldgetin

anaccident.”Histoneisdesperate,andIcanonlyimaginewhathe’sthinking.

Ishakemyhead,pushingawayfromthecouchasIfindmybalance.

“I’llsitinmycarforafewminutesandifIdon’tfeelbetterI’llcallJeremy.”

Iwalkbrisklytothedoor,grabbingmypursefromthetablenexttoit.

“RJ,westillneedtotalkabout…”

“Aboutwhat,Mack?”Irespond,notlookingathimasIdigthroughmypurseformykeys.

AllofthecalmandserenityIfeltinhisarmsjustamomentagohasfaded,replacedbymyown

insecurity.

“AboutthefactIjustembarrassedmyselfbyhavingafullblownpanicattackforthefirsttimein

twoyears?AboutthefactthatyouandIhavenobusinessbeinganywhereneareachotherbecausewe
keepingsayinganddoingstupidshit?”

IpauseasIseeRonnieshufflingbackandforthinthedoorwayoutofthecornerofmyeye.I

looktoMack,myeyesprobablywatery,mybodyexhausted,mymindamess.

“Orabouthowyoudoublebookedfortonight?”

Hiseyeswidenslightly,asIturnandstormpastRonnieandthroughtheyardbetweenhishouse

andAmy’s.

IthinkIhearhimcallmynameonce,butthenIhearthedoortohishouseslamclosedandIkeep

movingtowardsthestreet,mystepsneverfaltering.

*****

I’mnotsurprisedwhenI’msnuggledintopajamas,staringblanklyattheTV,andIhearaknock

atthedoor.Whenaminutegoesbyandaknockcomesagainwithouttheslightestmovefromme,
Charlieglancesatmeforasecondbeforepausingthemovieandwalkingtothedoor.Ihearitopen,I
hearmurmuringforafewminutes,andthenIhearthedoorclosejustasquietlyasitwasopened.

ButIamsurprisedwhenCharliereturnsandtakesaseatnexttome,pressingplayandcontinuing

onasifnothinghappened.

Ilookatherforafullminutebeforeshefinallylooksbackatme.

“What?”sheasks.

“Whowasatthedoor?”

Sherollshereyes.

“Youknowwhoitwas.Don’tplaygames.”

Mybrowfurrowsinfrustration.

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

Charliere-pausesthemovieandturnstofaceme,herlegscrossinginfrontofheronthecouch.

“Youweren’tgoingtoansweritbecauseyouwanthimtositoutthereandsufferbecauseyou

thinkhedidsomethingwrong.”

“Youdon’tevenknowwhathappened!Youdon’tknowifhediddosomethingwrong!”

“Exactly!”

Shedoesn’tshoutthewordatme,butitcomesoutlikeawhip,crackingintothespacebetween

us.

“Ifsomethinghorriblehadhappened,youwouldhavetoldme.Butyouwalkedinhereand

ploppeddownnexttometowatchthisstupidsportsdocumentary,andyouhatedocumentariesbythe
way,likenothingwaswrong.SoIthinkwhateverisgoingonnowisyourfault,nothis.”

Ifeelthebloodrushtomyfaceinanger,butIcan’tseemtoformasentenceinresponse.Isshe

right?AmItheonethatmessedup?

Charliemustseesomethingshiftinmyfacebecauseherexpressionsoftens.Sheadjustsherself

sosheissittingrightnexttome,herarmwrappedaroundmyshoulders.

“Nooneisperfect,Rach.Beinginarelationshipishardwork.Sometimesyou’retheoneto

forgive,andsometimesyou’retheonebeingforgiven.Butnomatterwhat,bothpeoplehavetowant
thesameoutcomeforittoreallywork.”

Sheleansawayfrommesoshecanseestraightintomyeyes.

“Thatmanhasdonenothingbutfightforyou.Iwon’tpretendtoknowallthedetails.Iwon’ttry

tomakeyoubelievethathehasn’tdoneanythingwrong,becauseIdon’thonestlyknow.Butfromthe
momentIsawyoutwotogetheritwasclearwhathewanted.It’simportantthatyoufigureoutwhat
youwant,too.”

WesitthereforaminutestaringateachotherwithoutspeakingwhenIfinallyfigureoutwhatto

say.

“AndifIdon’tknowwhatIwant?”

Shegivesmeasoftsmile.

“That’sthebeautyofbeinganadult,RJ.Sometimesyouhavetomaketheharddecisionsbased

onjusttheinformationyouhave.Takethatorganizedbrainofyoursandscanthroughthe
informationyouhaveaboutMack,aboutyou,aboutthelifeyoulead,andthefutureyouwant.And
thendecide.Ishewhatyouwant?”

Isinkintothecouchandthinkonherwordsforafewminutesasshegoesbacktohermovie.

Irunthroughthelistofcons.Thethingsstandinginourway.Myconcerns.ButwhenIgettothe

endofthatlist,allIcanthinkaboutisthewaythatIfeltinMack’sarmsjustanhouragoashecalmed
meandtalkedmethroughmyanxietyattack.Thatfeelingofsafety,likenothingI’veeverknown
before.

ButeventhoughIhaveallthosewarmfeelingstowardshim,andIknewearlierthatIwas

beginningtofallforhim,isitfairformetotryandbeinarelationship?AfterI’vebeensohotand
coldwithMackfromdayone?

“AndyoumaywanttopopoutandlethimknowonceyoufigureitoutbecauseImayhavetold

himtochilloutsideandwaitforyou,”Charliesuddenlyblurtsout.

Myfacesnapstohercalculatingandverypleasedsmile.Afteraverysmallinternalcuss-fest,I

slowlystandfromthecouchandmakemywaytothedoor,takingadeepbreathandreleasingit
beforereachingforthehandleandsteppingouttothefrontpatio.

Macksitsonthestoopwithhiselbowsonhisknees,hischinrestinginhissteepledfingers.

Iclearmythroatonce.Twice.

“Sorryyouwereoutheresolong,”Ifinallymanage.“Charliedidn’tsayyouwerestillhereuntil

justaminuteago.”

Hedoesn’tsayanything,soIstepforwardandsitnexttohim,wrappingmyarmsaroundmy

flannelcoveredlegs.

JustasI’mabouttoaskwhyhe’shere,IlookupathisfaceandI’mstartledbythelookof

sadnessthathasoverwhelmedhisfeatures.

“Thisisn’tgoingtowork.”

ThewordsareoutofhismouthforagoodthirtysecondsbeforeI’mabletorespond.Andit

takeseveryounceofstrengthinmybodytoaskhimthissimplequestioninawaythatiscalmand
collected.

“Whatdoyoumean?”

Heexhalesanddropshishands,grabbingmyleftwithhisrightandtwistingourfingerstogether.

“Us.Wearen’tgoingtowork,arewe.”

Itisn’taquestion.It’sastatement.AndIamshockedatthelevelofdevastationthattravelsfrom

theearsthatreceivedthewords,tomybrainthatdigeststhem,tomyheartthatbreaksattheir

meaning.

“Ican’ttrytobeinarelationshipwithsomeonewhodoesn’tseethesamethingsthatIdo.”

“Whatdo…”

“WhydidyoustormoutofmyhouseearlierwhenRonnieshowedup?”

Ishrugslightly.

“Iwasupset.Ireacted.Shewasclearlythereforyourplans.”

Myreplyislacedwithsarcasmandtingedwithbitterness.

“Myplans,”hesays,moretohimselfthantome.“Youreallythinkthatlittleofme?YouthinkI

wouldinviteyouovertotalkaboutmypastandthepainIexperienced,withtheplanoffucking
Ronnieafteryouleft?”

Thedisbeliefinhistonehurtsmyheart,butit’salsotheacceptanceIhearthatkillsme.Hecan’t

believethatIwouldthinksopoorlyofhim,butatthesametimehe’salreadyacceptedtheideathatI
do.Mymindisracing,tryingtocomeupwithawaytotellhimwhatIreallythink.ButthewordsI
playinmyheaddon’tsoundright,becauseinallhonesty,I’mnotentirelysurewhatIthink.

DoIthinkhewouldintentionallyhurtme?No.Definitelynot.ButdoIthinkheiscapableof

‘doublebooking,’asIsoeloquentlyputitearlier?Maybe.Andthat’sahardthingtorealize.Because
itsaysmoreaboutmethanitsaysabouthim.

“Ihaveahardtimetrustingpeople,”Ifinallysay,mywordsbarelyawhisper.“Sometimesit’s

justeasiertobelievetheworstthantogivesomeonethebenefitofthedoubt.”

“Why?”

Ishrugagain,hatinghowimmatureitmakesmelook.

“I’musedtothepeopleinmylifelettingmedown.IfIdon’trelyonanyone,thatwon’thappen.

IfIbelievethey’llletmedownfromthestart,thestingisn’tsobadwhenitinevitablyhappens.”

“Iswearthatyouareboththemostandleastself-awarepersonI’veevermet.Sometimesyousay

thingsthatmakeitsoclearthatyouknowwhoyouareandwhatyouwant,thatyou’vemadelife
choicesbasedonintentionaldecisionsandwellthoughtoutplans.Andthenthereareothertimes
whereyouseemsocluelessandsoclearlyignorantaboutwhyyoudothings.”

Iscoffandpullmyhandfromhis.

“Excuseme?”

“Youeverthinkthatyoumightshutpeopleoutbecauseofyourdad?”

Andthatgetsmybackup.Istandquickly.

“Iamnottalkingaboutthis.”

“Whynot,Rachel?”hesays,risingtoblockmebeforeIcanstormintothehouse.“Whywon’t

youtalktomeaboutthis?Youhaveafuckedupdadwhoruinedthewayyouseemen?Noonewould
blameyouforthat!It’sactuallyaverycommonproblemandyoucanprobablyfindheapsof
informationonlineaboutit.Butyoucan’tjustcontinuetoshutpeopleoutwhenthingsaren’tperfect.
Youhavetotalkaboutit.”

Itrytopushpasthimtogetthedoorandhesidesteps,blockingmeagain,placinghishandson

myarmsandholdingmestill.

“Youhavetotalkaboutyourpanicattacks.Youhavetotalkaboutwhateverhappenedtoyou

whenyouwereinhighschoolthatyoukeeplockeduptight.Andyouhavetotalkaboutwhyyou’re
soquicktobelievetheworstinamanwhoisfallinginlovewithyou!”

Ifreeze.

Heleanstowardsmeslightly,catchingmyeyesthatarestuckwideopenathisadmission.

“Idon’tknowhowmanytimesIcantellyouthatIamcrazyaboutyouforyoutobelieveme.I

don’tknowwhatIcandotoprovetoyouthatyouarewhatIwant,andthatwhatwehaveisworth
riskingeverythingfor.”Hedropshishands.“ButIcan’tbetheonlypersonwhoiswillingtotake

risks,RJ.Iwanttobewithsomeonewhoiswillingtotakeariskonme,too.”

WhenIlookupathim,Iseethatsamesadnessinhiseyesthatwastherewhenhefirstarrivedten

minutesago.

Hestraightens,though.Resolvewipesthesadnessfromhisface.

“AndIdon’tthinkyou’rethereyet.Whateveritisyouneedtoworkthrough,Igetthat.Weall

haveourbaggage.Butifwearen’tatthesameplace,wecan’tmoveforwardtogether,RJ.”

HiswordsareagainsosimilartoCC’sfromjustafewdaysago,andmyhearttumblesover

itself.Heleansforwardandkissesmyforehead,hishandsrestingsoftlyonmyneck.Iclosemyeyes
atthetearsthatarebrimmingtothesurface,ashisbreathwhispersovermyskin.

AndIdon’topenthemagainuntilhe’sgone.

ChapterFifteen

Iwanderthroughthenextfewdaysinanabsolutehaze.Laundry,groceryshopping,homework.I

gotopracticeonMondayandTuesday,andIspendthemajorityoftimeawayfromMack,workingin
thegymwiththeotherkeepers.Iattendclasses,workonmyprojects,playagameagainstSanta
Barbara.

AndIclean.

Charlie’sonhersemesterbreakduetothestrangenursingprogramschedule,whichmakes

thingsevenworse.Shewatchesmewanderaroundtheapartmentintheeveningsdustingthisand
scrubbingthat.

SheknewsomethingwaswrongovertheweekendwhenIcameinsideaftertalkingtoMack,my

eyesglassy,andcurledupnexttoheronthecouch.Ididn’tsayanythingtoherasshestrokedher
handsthroughmyhairandcontinuedtowatchhermovie.Shedidn’taskmeanyquestions,whichI
greatlyappreciated.Sometimesagirljustneedstobealonewithherthoughts,butnotalone.

CompoundmybehaviorthatnightwiththefactI’vebeenroamingthehouselikeacrossbetween

azombieandamaid,andIknowherconcernisgrowing.

Ihatecleaning.

“Okay,that’senough,”Ihearhersayfrombehindme.

Ilookbackatherfrommypositiononmykneesinfrontoftheoven.I’mdrenchedinsweat,my

handscoveredinsomeweirdovencleaningfoam,andmybackaches.SoasmuchasIdon’twantto
havewhateverconversationisfinallycomingmyway,mybodyreadilyacceptsthemini-breakit
receives.

“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit,Char,”Isay,wipingmyforeheadagainstthesleeveofmyshirt.

“Butyou’recleaning.Cleaning.Likeacrazyperson.”Sheshakesherhead.“Idon’tknow

whethertoshakeyouorthankyou,butIcan’tletyoujustkeepgoing.Ithasbeenalmostfourdays.”

Iletoutalighthuffoflaughter,butIdon’trespond.Ijustremainwithmykneesonthefloor,

restingonmyheels,thesilencestretchingonbetweenus.

“Whathappened?”

Isigh.

“Hecalledthingsoff.”

Shesaysnothing.WhenIlookupather,herfaceiscontortedinconfusion.

“Wait.I’mlost.What?”

Iclosetheovendoorandturniton,allowingtheheattodotherestofthework.Standingand

walkingtothesink,Ireplaytheconversationatmydoorlastnight.

“Hetoldmehewaswillingtotakeariskonme,butIwasn’twillingtotakeariskonhim.And

sinceI’mnotready,wearen’tgoingtowork.”

Iscrubmyhandsclean,dryingthemonthetowelfoldedneatlynexttothesink,thenrefoldingit

andputtingitbackintoplace.

“Andthethingthatkillsme,isthathe’sright.”IlookoveratCharlie.“I’mnotwillingtotakethe

risk.”

“You’rejustsayingthatbecauseyou’rescaredoffeelingsomething…”

“IknowwhatI’mfeelingChar,”Iinterrupt.“I’msad,true.I’mcrazyabouthim,yes.ButIalso

knowthatheandIareahuge,hugemistake.Wearetoodifferent,andwehavetoomuchagainstus.I
couldbekickedofftheteamandlosemyscholarshipand…”

“Wouldyoucuttheshitabouttheteamandthescholarship!?”

Myheadjerksbackathersuddenincreaseinvolume,theexasperationevidentonherface.

“Youareonehundredpercentusingthoseasexcuses,andit’sbullshit.”

“Excuseme?”

“Youheardme.”Shetakesasteptowardsme,herexpressionfulloffrustration.“Youhavethis

amazingguywhowantstobewithyousobadly.Yes,youcouldloseyourscholarshipandgetkicked
offtheteam.Butyoudon’tthinkthatamanwillingtoriskhisjobforyouwouldbewillingtohelp
youcomeupwithasolution?Maybehe’dbewillingtowaitafewmonths?Haveyouevenopenedup
thepossibilityofkeepingyourhandsoffeachotheruntilMay?Didn’tyoutalktohimaboutwhatyou
saidaboutnotwantingtowaituntilyougraduateandclarifythatyoudidn’tactuallymeanit?”

Ishakemyhead.“It’snotthatsimple.”

“Why?”

“Itjustisn’t.”

“Why!?”

Icontinuetoshakemyhead,hopingshe’lldropit.Butshejuststandstherewatchingme,waiting

formetorevealsomethingtoher.

“Youdon’tknowwhatit’slike,”Iwhisper.“Ican’tgohomeifIfail.Icannevergobackthere.”

“Iknow,sweetheart.”Hertone,soplacating,setsmeoff.

“Noyoudon’t!”Ishout.“YouhaveNOideawhatIwentthrough.”

“WellIwouldifyouwouldevertellme!”Shelooksatmeacrossthekitchen,herarmsfolded.

“I’veknownyouforoverthreeyears.Wearebestfriends.Ihavetoldyouthemostridiculous,
embarrassingandcrazythingsthathavehappenedtome.I’vetoldyouallofthestupidshitI’vedone.
Butthereissomebigsecretthatyoukeephiddenaway,somesecretfromyourpastthatyoudon’t
wantanyonetoknow.”

“Whyisitwrongtokeepsomesecrets?”Iask.

“Itisn’twrongtokeepthingstoyourself.ButIfeellikethere’ssomethinggoingoninyour

mindandheartthatisunresolved,andtalkingaboutitcanhelp.Iwatchyouliveeverydaywithout
reallyliving.Youarefriendlyandatthesametimeyouaresoclosedoffwithpeople.ButIhavenever
seenyouglowlikeyoudidwhenyoumetMack.”

Iscoff.

“It’strue!”Sheshoutsagain.“Evenafteryoufoundouthewasyourcoach,itwaslikeyoursoul

waslighter.Youwerepracticallyflittingaroundtheapartment.”

“Idon’tflitanywhere,”Irespond.

Shegivesmeasmallsmile,andIcanfeelthetensionbegintodissolve.

“Oh,youflitted.Alloverthisbitch,youwereflittingandfloating.”

Ismile.

“YouknowIloveyou,right?”sheasks.Inodonce.“Iwouldnever,evertrytomakeyoutellme

aboutyourpastifyoudidn’twanttotellme.Igetit.Buthaveyouevertalkedtoanyone?Imean,
professionally?”

Inodagain.

“Isawatherapistafter…”

“Good.Doyoufeellikeyoushouldgoback?Like,maybetherearestillsomethingstowork

through?”

Isigh.

“Maybe.Ijust…IwouldhavetotalktoJeremyaboutit,andaskforhishelp.Iusedupallofthe

freesessionsGlendaleprovidestostudents,whichiswhyIstoppedgoing.”

Icrossmyarmsandleanontothekitchenisland.

“IjustknowhewillwanttoknowwhyIwanttoseeatherapist,andIdon’tknowifI’mreadyto

tellhim.”

Shereachesacrossandplacesherhandonmyarm.

“Iknowyou’reprotectiveofyoursecrets,RJ,andthere’snothingwrongwiththat.Butyou

mightfeelalotbetterifyoufinallyletsomeonehelpyoucarrythem.”

*****

I’veneverhadapracticeasbrutalastoday’s.AndithadnothingandeverythingtodowithMack.

Rainwaspouringdownhardandthick,thefieldcoveredinmud.Anditseemedlikenoneofus

hadourheadsonstraight.Weweren’tworkingasateam,andtobehonest,Ifeltcompletelyuseless
duringmydrills.Ikeptslipping.Ikeptthrowingmybodyinthewrongdirection.

IkeptwatchingMack.

Andhedidn’tlookatmeonce.

Ishouldhavebeenhappy.Hewastryingtomakeiteasy,eitheronhimselforonme.Butitwas

stillmiserabletogofromavoidingeyecontactbecauseIdidn’twanteveryonetoknowIkissedmy
coach,todesperatelyseekingeyecontactassomesortofvalidationthathewasfeelingastornapart
asIfelt.

ButlikeIsaid,hedidn’tlookatmeonce.

“Wellthatwastheworstpracticeever,”Pipermumblesaswechangeinthelockerroom.

Igiveherasmallsmile.

“Yeah,we’veseenbetterdays.”

“Plansfortheweekend?”sheasksasshebeginstounbraidherlonghair.

“JeremyandIaregonnaseeamovieorsomething,”IrespondasIchuckmycleatsandpractice

gearintomyduffle.

Icalledhimyesterdayandaskedifhewasfreetonight.Normallyhe’stravelingorhasplansona

Fridaynight,buthejustsohappenedtobefree.Serendipitous.

“Soundslikefun.IwishIhadanoldersiblingwhowantedtotakemeoutallthetime,”she

grumbleswithasmile.

Ilaugh,saybyetothegirls,thensprintfromthelockerroomstotheawninginfrontofthe

stadiumtowaitforJeremy.AndasIsitonthebenchesoutfrontandwait,Ireplayinmymindwhat
I’mgoingtosay.

I’vethoughtaboutitfortwosoliddays,whetherornottotalktohimaboutwhathappenedin

highschool.Igotshitsleeplastnightandwokeupcrankyafterallowingmybrainandemotionsto
windupandupandup.AndwhenIfinallydraggedmyassoutofbed,Ithoughtaboutitduringmy
conditioningthismorning,duringclassthisafternoon,andwhenIgotbackhomeandbeganworking
onmyPsychpaper.

NowthatI’mwaitingforhimtopickmeup,IknowthatI’mmakingtherightchoice,nomatter

whathappens.IfI’vedecidedIneedhishelp,itisn’tfairtoaskforitwithoutbeingcompletelyhonest.

TwoshorthonkshavemegrabbingmybagoffthegroundandduckingmyheadlowasIsprint

throughtheraintowherehesitsinhisSUV.

“I’mgladyoucalledaboutgettingtogether,”hesaysasheshiftsthecarintodrive.

“Metoo.It’simportantwemakesuretospendenoughtimetogether.”

Hestayssilentforamoment,butthenmakesarightoutofthelot.

“Ididn’tknowifyouwerestillmadaboutFriday.”

Irollmyeyesandtwirlmyphoneinmyhand.

“Justbecauseyouwereadickdoesn’tmeanI’mgoingtostoptalkingtoyou.”

“I’lladdressthe‘youwereadick’commentlater.WehittingMamaSita’s?”

Inod.

“Yeah.”

MamaSita’sisapopularSouthernCaliforniaburritochainwithaspotabouttwomilesfrommy

house.

“Doyoumindifwedrivethroughandheadbacktotheapartmentthough?There’ssomething

importantIwanttotalktoyouabout.”

WhenIgetnothingbutsilence,IturntolookatJeremyandcatchhiseyeslockedonmine,his

faceshowinganalmostgraveconcern.

“Whycan’tyoujusttellmenow?”

“BecauseIwantustobeathome.It’simportant.”

“Yeah,Igotthat.Justtellmenow.”

“Jeremy,stop.I’lltellyouinabit.”

“Areyoupregnant?”

“What!?”

“Areyou?”

Ican’tbelievehewouldeven…ugh!

Icanfeelthebloodrushingtomyface,demonstratinginamorethanobviouswayhowangry

hisquestionmakesme.MyfistsclenchandIglarerightbackathim.

“Whendidyoubecomethispersonwhoalwaysjumpstoconclusionsaboutme?Can’tIhavejust

normalsister-brotherstufftotalkabout?DoesitalwayshavetobethatI’vefuckedupinsomeway?”

Jeremysighs.

“Sorry.I’mjustonedgetoday.”

Icrossmyarmsandcontinuetothrowdaggersathimwithmyeyes.

“WellIdon’tgiveashit.Idon’tknowwhathashappenedtoourmojointhepastfewweeks,butI

feellikeIbarelyknowyouanymore.Youhardlyspeaktome,andwhenyoudo,you’reeitherangry
ormakinghugeassumptions.”

“Rachel,Isaid…”

“Andevenmorefrustratingisthatitfeelslikeyoudon’tknowmeanymore,either.WhendidI

becomethispersonthatyouthinksopoorlyof?Whycan’tyoubelieveinme?It’slikeeverythingthat
comesoutofyourmouthistailor-madetomakemefeellikeshit.”

Jeremysighsagain,butwedon’tspeak,apartfromordering,untilwepullintomyapartment’s

parkinglot.

Ashesetshisfoodonthecounter,Icanseehimmovinghismouth,talkingtohimself.Itmakes

mymouthtickupinahalfsmile.Jeremy’salwaysdonethat.Itmakeshimlookalittlebitcrazy,but
noneofthegoodonesaresaneanyways.

“I’msorrymyfaithinyouisn’twhatitusedtobe,”hefinallysays,pullingoutmyburritoand

settingitonthecounterinfrontofme.

“Ijustdon’tunderstandwhy,”Ireply.“We’vealwaysbeensoclose.Whathappened?”

Jeremyturnsandopensthefridge,pullingoutabottleofCoke.Whenheturnsbackaround,his

faceislikegranite.

“Ijusthavesomepersonalstuffgoingon.I’lltellyouoneday,butnottoday.”

Heplopsthebottleontothecounterandgrabstwoglasses.

“Today,wetalkaboutyou.What’sgoingon?”

MystomachdropsandIfeellikeI’mstartingtolosemybreath.Myskingoesinstantlyclammy

andwarmatthesametime.Iknowthesignsofananxietyattackloominginthedistance,andluckily
thisisn’tit.

Itakeadeepbreath,resolvingmyselftowhat’sabouttohappenasItryandblurtthingsoutin

chunkssoIcangetitallout.

Thisisgoingtobehard.Andit’smadeevenharderbythefactthatJeremyisstilllookingatme

withthatsameface,theonethatsayshe’sreallyworried.AndIknowthisisgoingtobejustashard
forhimasitisforme.

“Well…”Iclearmythroat,tryingtorememberwhatIwantedtosaybutdrawingablank.“Sorry,

thisishard.Uhm…”

“You’remakingmenervous,Rach.Whateveritis,justripoffthebandaid.”

“Okay.”Ishakeoutmyarms,tryingtoloosenthetensionthathastakenovermybody.“I’m

wonderingifIcanborrowsomemoneysoIcangobacktotherapy.”

Jeremy’sheadjerksback.

“Therapy?Why?”

“Ijust…havesomethingsIneedtoworkthrough.”

“Andyoucan’ttalktomeaboutit?Icangiveyousomeadvice.”

Ishakemyhead.

“Iappreciatethat,Ido.Butthisisn’taboutgettingadvice.ThisissomethingIneedtodo.For

me.”

Hepauses,surveyingme,likehe’stryingtofigureitoutwithoutmesayinganything.

“Wait.Yousaidbacktotherapy.”

Inod.

“Yeah.”

“Whendidyougobefore?”

“Freshmanyearuntilthemiddleofsophomoreyear,butIranoutoffreesessionssoIstopped

goingbecauseIcan’taffordit.”

God,gettingoutthatentiresentencewasliketryingtosinganotewhenyou’reoutofbreath,so

youjustpushonandyourvoicebeginstosoundthinner.

Jeremyslowlyunwrapshisburrito,hiseyesfocusedonthetask.

“Andyoucan’ttalktomeaboutit?Imean,I’llgiveyouthemoney,noproblem.I’malwayshere

tohelpyou.Butifyou’regoingthroughsomethingIwanttobeabletohelp,youknow?”

Ipickatmyownburrito,strugglingtogetthewordsout.

“Itjusthastodowith…dad.”

“Whataboutdad?”

“Justsomestufffromsenioryear.”

Jeremystopschewingonthebitehejustinhaled,swallowingloudly.

“Didsomethinghappen?”Atmysilence,heprodsagain.“Rachel,ifsomethinghappened…”

Westandinsilence,staringateachother.

“Pleasetellme.”

Hisvoiceisawhisper,andIknowIhavetotellhim.Ican’tprotecthimfromthistruthanymore.

Iletoutarushofbreath.

“Afteryouleft…he…gotworse.”

“Whatdidhedo?”

“God.He…hecalledmenames.WhichIknowsoundslikenobigdeal,buthearinghimcallme

awhoreandworthlessandafuckingdykeonadailybasiswas…Idon’tknow.Anditwasn’tjustthat.
Hestartedhittingme.”

“Rachel…”

“Heslappedandchokedandpunchedandkicked.Overandover.Forthreeyears.”

Jeremyleansoverandbraceshimselfonthecounter,hisfacewhite.

“ItgotsobadthatI…”Istop,mystomachtwistingattheideaofrevealingmydarknessto

Jeremy.“Itriedtokillmyself.”

“Ohmygod,”hewhispers,beforeheawkwardlyfoldsinonhimselfandsitsonthefloor,his

backtothecabinets.

Iflyaroundtheislandandwrapmyarmsaroundhim.Atfirsthe’salmostlimpinmyarms,but

thenheclingstome,sotight,soclose,likehecanbanishawayanythingharmfulorhurtfulifhe
holdsmetightenough.

“RachelI’msosorry.”

Westaylikethat,holdingeachother,forages.Jeremywhisperingapologies,bothofus

emotionalandupset.

“I’llgiveyouanythingyouneed.Youneedtherapy,I’llcoverit.Youneedtogotothegymto

beattheshitoutofabag,I’lltakeyou.”

Iletoutahalflaughthroughmytears.

“Thanks,Jer.”

Hepullsbackandlooksatme.

“HowdidInotknow?Icouldhave…”

ButIshakemyhead,almostviolently.

“Youdidn’tknowbecauseIdidn’ttellyou.Ihidit.It’snotyourfault.”

Jeremywrapshisarmsaroundmeagain,holdingmecloseaswesitonthekitchenfloor.Aftera

fewminutesofsilence,justasI’mabouttogetup,hespeaksagain.

“Ishouldhaveknownsomethingwaswrong.”

“No,Jer…”

“Ishouldhaveknown!”healmostshouts.“IcouldseeyouweremorewithdrawneverytimeI

camehome.Icouldseeyouwerethinner,andunhappy.Youalwayslookedalittlemorepale.Andthat
onetimeIsawbruisingandyousaiditwas…”hecanbarelychokeoutthewords,“…itwasfrom
practice.Itwasthatassholebeatingyou!IknewsomethingwaswrongbutIwassowrappedupinmy
ownshitIdidn’tevennotice!”

“Ipromiseyou,”Iwhisper,“Ipromiseyouthatthisisnotyourfault.IdideverythingIcouldto

keepyoufromknowing.”

“Why?”

Ishrug.

“Ididn’twanttoburdenyou.YouwerefinallyfreeandIdidn’twanttoaddto…”

“Seriously?”

Ijustsitandstareatthefloor,unsurehowtoanswerwhenIknowhewon’twanttohearit.

“Youareneveraburden,Rachel.Never.Notever.”Icanfeelthestingoftearsagainathiswords.

“Youarethebestthinginmylife,Rach.”

“ButIdidn’twanttoriskyoubeingonhisside.”

ThewordsareoutofmymouthbeforeIcanstopthemandIslapmyhandovermymouthlikea

cartoon.Ican’tbelieveIjustsaidthatoutloud,andwhenIlookupatJeremy,hisfaceisenraged,
mortified,astounded.

“Youthink…”hebraceshisheadwithhishands,“…youthinkIcouldever…ever…believeyou

deservedanythinglikethat?”

I’mshakingmyheadashe’sspeaking,alreadytryingtoreassurehim.

“NotnowIdon’t.ButIwas15whenitstartedgettingreallybad.Iwasaloneandhadnooneto

talkto.IjusthaddadtellingmehowworthlessIwas.Blamingmeforeverything.Tellingmeyou
hatedmeandthoughtitwassuchawasteoftimetoseemewhenyoucamehome.”

Iblinkbacktears,tryingtoexplaintothepersonwhohasalwaysbeenthereformewhatthe

thoughtoflosinghimdidtome.

“Iwasworriedyou’dagreewithhim,andthenI’dbecompletelyalone,becauseIwouldn’teven

havethethoughtofyou.”

Jeremy’sheaddropsbackagainstthecabinetbehindhimandhestaresattheceiling,collecting

histhoughts.

“Iknowthat’snottruenow,”Icontinue.“IhadareallygreattherapistattheCollegeCounseling

Center,really.Shehelpedmeworkthroughalot,seehowheabusedandmanipulatedmetosatisfy
somethinginsideofhimthathasnothingtodowithme.Butnow,Ihaveotherthingstoworkon.”

“Likewhat?”

Iletoutasmall,humorlesschuckle.

“LikeactuallybelievingI’mworthsomething.Knowingit’struebecauseI’vehadaconversation

withatherapist,andbelievingit’struedeepinmyverybones?Thosearetwoseparatethings.”Iclear
mythroat.“AndIhaveahardtimeopeninguptopeople…toguys…andIwanttobeableto.”

Whenweconnecteyesagain,Iknowheseesit.

Hecanseethatwhile,yes,mostofthisisgoingtobeforme,someofitisforMack.

“He’sinlovewithme,”Iwhisper,finallylettingthetearsstreamdownmyface.“He’sinlove

withmeandIdon’tknowifI’mevencapableoflovingsomeoneback.AndIdon’tknowhowtofixit
onmyown.”

HewantstosaysomethingaboutMack.Lessenhisvaluetome,assuremeIdon’tneedhim.But

hestopshimself.

Instead,hedoesexactlywhatabigbrothershould.

“Whateveryouneed,Rach.I’mhere.”

*****

Ican’tfallasleepwhenItrytothatnight,soIopenthelaptopmybrothergiftedmeformyhigh

schoolgraduationandlookupMack’sFacebookpage.Ihaven’tlookedatitsincethedayIfoundout
hewasmycoach,andwhenIgotoitIseenotmuchhaschanged.Nostatusupdates.Nophotos.
Nothing.

ButwhenIclickontheboxonthebottomright,Iseealittlegreendotnexttohisnamethatlets

meknowhe’sonline.

Iwaverforamomentafteropeningupthetinychatbox,wonderingwhatI’mdoing.But

ultimatelyIcan’thelpmyself.

Me:Areyouthere?

Themarkerpopsuplettingmeknowhe’sseenthemessage,andforabriefsecondthelittle

bubblesglowonthescreentoindicatehe’sresponding.

Butthentheydisappear.

Andthelittlegreendotdisappearstoo.

Isitblanklystaringatthescreen.Heclosedhiscomputerorhisapptoignoreme.Myheart

drops.

ButforsomereasonIdon’tletthatdeterme,andIendupsendingonemessageafteranotherin

rapidsuccession.

Me:I’msorry.

Me:I’msorryforthinkingtheworstofyoutimeaftertimewhenyou’vedonenothingto
actuallydeserveit.

Me:Yousaidyou’refallinginlovewithmeandIdon’tevenknowifIcanlovesomeoneback.But
I’mnotsurehowtofixit.

Me:AndIdon’tknowwhetheryouthinkI’mworththetimeitwouldtake.Towaitformeto
figureoutwhat’sbrokeninmymindandmyheart.

Me:ButyoushouldknowthatI’mgoingtotryandfigureitout.I’mgonnatrytoworkthrough
afewthings.

Me:Andintheend,nomatterwhathappensbetweenus…eventhoughIhopeit’ssomething
good…thankyouforshowingmethatnoteveryoneletsyoudown.Andthatsometimesyoucan
meetsomeonewho’sworththerisk.

Isitsilentlyandre-readthethingsI’vewritten.Thewordssoundstiffandformal,butthey’re

honestandreal.IcanonlyhopeI’veconveyedhowIreallyfeelinawaythatresonateswithhim.

Iclosemylaptop,switchoffmylight,andcrawlunderthecovers.

AndthistimeIfallstraighttosleep.

*****

WhenIwakeupthenextmorning,Istumblethroughmyroutine.Ieatmybanana,drinkmy

orangejuice,andthrowmyhairupintoamessybun.

Iracebackupthestairstograbmyphoneoffthenightstand,andstopshortwhenIseewhat’son

thescreen.

Mack:You’reworththewait.

AndmyfacebreaksintoasmileIcan’tcontainfortherestoftheday.

ChapterSixteen

Thenextfewdayspasswithoutmuchincident.

IgotoworkandchatwithCCaboutinsignificantthings,eventhoughIknowshewantstopush

andtalkaboutthedayIstormedoutofwork.

IgettogetherwithPipertoworkonourPsychologypapersandweheadtothetutoringcenter

togethertogetsomehelp.

IemailbackandforthwithThomasaswepushforwardonourjointproject.

Hedoesn’tmentionourfaileddateandneitherdoI.

IvisittheCollegeCounselingCenterandbookinanappointmentwithRegina,thesamewomanI

metwithbefore.She’sactuallyinthewaitingroomchattingwiththereceptionistwhenIgetthereand
greetsmebyname,lettingmeknowshe’shappytoseeI’mbackandlookingforwardtomeeting
again.

Igotopracticeandconditioning.

IseeMack.

Wedon’tspeak.ButunlikeFriday,oureyeslinger.Ifeellikehopeandfearandconfusionradiate

frombothofus.

It’sencouragingtofeellikeI’mnotaloneinthis.

*****

“Rachel,canIseeyouforaminute?”

IhopupfromwhereI’mstretchingonthegrassandjogovertowhereCoachJohnsonis

standingonthesidelines.

“What’supCoachJ?”Iask,tryingnottopayattentiontohowcloseIamtoMack,whostands

justafewfeetawaylookingathisclipboard.

CoachJohnsonsticksouthisclipboardandplacesawhistledownontopofit.

“It’stimetostartthispracticecoordinationCoachMcIntoshhasbeentalkingaboutnonstopfor

thepastfewweeks.Hesaysyou’reeager,soI’massumingyou’rereadytogo?”

Mymouthhangsopen.I’dcompletelyforgottenthatMacktalkedtomeaboutthis.About

coachingmyfellowteammates.

“I,uhh…Idon’t…”Ifeellikeabumblingidiot,unabletoformthoughts.

No,Iwanttosay.No,I’mnotreadytogo.

“McIntosh,Ithoughtyousaidyou’ddiscussedthis?”CoachJsays,lookingoveratMack,whoI

realizeisnolongerlookingathisownclipboardandisinsteadlookingatus.

“Giveusasec?”Mackwavesmeovertohim,andthenleadsmeafewfeetaway.“Ithoughtwe’d

talkedaboutthis,RJ.Iwantedtogiveyouachancetocoachsoyoucouldgetsomeexperienceunder
yourbelt.”

Myvoicecomesoutwhinyandpanicked.Somature.

“WetalkedaboutitbutIdidn’tknowwhenitwasgonnastart!Idon’tfeelreadyatall!”

“Takeadeepbreathandlookatme,”hesays.

WhenIlookintoMack’seyes,IseeaconfidenceIdon’tfeel.IseeatrustthatIdon’tthinkI

deserve.AndIseesomeonewhobelievesinmeimplicitly,evenifI’mstrugglingtoalwaysbelievein
myself.

“Haveyoubeenwatchingtapewhenyou’resupposedtoanddoyoufeelpreparedtoplayLong

BeachonFriday?”

“Yes.”

“Andyou’vebeenlisteningtoCoachJandmyselfsharingourstrategyforthegame,reviewing

LongBeach’sstrengthsandweaknesses?”

“Yes.”

“WhatdidIsaytwoweeksagothatIwantedtheoffensiveplayerstoworkreallyhardon,

becausethereareseveralteamscomingupwhohaveissueswiththesamething?”

“YousaidyouwantedthemtoworkonsetpiecesbecauseSantaBarbara,LongBeachandafew

oftheteamsattheupcomingtournamentsareweakatdefendingtheirgoalfromcornerkicksand
penaltykicks.Pipersaidthegirlswerehavingsomeissues,though,andthatthepracticesaren’tgoing
sowell.”

Mackchucklesslightly.

“You’rereadytogo,RJ.Justdon’tforgetwhatyousaidtomerightnow,andyou’lldofine.”

Hegivesmeaslightpushontheshoulder,sendingmebackovertoCoachJ.I’llbehonest,I

don’tfeelawholelotmoreconfidentnowthanIdidwhenMackpulledmeaside.ButatleastIhavea
tinyideaofwhatIcandotocoachtheoffensetoday.

Setpieces.

Thingsstartoffslowanddefinitelyawkward.Theteamhasalreadyhadachangeincoaching

structureandstylewithMackcominginmid-season,sothere’ssomeobviousresistancetomy
leadershipatfirst,especiallyfromGina.Whichdoesn’tsurpriseme.Ifeellikemyinstructionsare
stilted,evenwhenI’mdirectingtheminasimplewarmupdrilltopracticehandlingballsthathave
beenkickedhigh.

Piper,Erin,KristalandsomeofthegirlsI’veplayedwithforseveralyearsarequicktobe

supportive,though,andbythetimeItapPipertodocornerkicksinsteadofGina,whohuffsasshe
standsobservingwithherwaterbottle,IfeelalotmoreconfidentinwhatI’mdoing.IthelpswhenI
realizeI’veprovidedapieceoffeedbacktooneofthegirlsandCoachJsays,“Goodeyesonthat,
Rachel.”

MaybeI’mnotcompletelyuselessatthis.

WhenMacktakesoverfrommeaboutninetyminutesintoourtwohourpractice,Ifeelanenergy

coursingthroughmethatIdon’tnormallygetwhenIplay.JusttheshortperiodoftimeIspent
‘coaching’madeitfeellikeIwaslookingatthefieldandtheplayersinacompletelynewway.Like
theywerechesspiecesandifIhadtherightstrategythey’dbefine.

“Greatjob,RJ!”Pipersaysaswechangeafterpractice.

“God,Iwassofuckingnervous,”Ireply,takingaseatonthefloorandleaningbackagainstthe

lockers.“Wasitreallyokay?Behonest.”

“Itwasabullshitpractice,”Ginaspitsfrommyleft,“andPiperonlylikeditbecauseyouthrew

yourminionabonebylettingherpracticesetpieceswiththestarters.”

“Whyareyousuchabitchallthetime,Gina?It’simportantforeveryonetopracticeincase

someonegetsinjured.That’sliterallythereasonteamshavemorethanjuststarters,”Kristalsnarks
back.

“Fuckoff,Kristal.Sayingthatyourrollonthisteammattersoverandoveragaindoesn’tmean

you’regonnagettoplayanytimesoon.Yourgoalkeepingisasnastyasyourface.”

“Uncalledfor,Gina,”Isaystandingup.“Yourtoxicattitudeisawasteofspaceonthisteam.You

shouldfocusmoreonteamworkandcaringabouttheotherwomenyouplaywith.Itmighthelpwith
yourrestingbitchface.”

Therestofthegirlsmake‘ooooooooh’noises,butIquicklysnipatthemtofocusonchanging

andgettinghome,andleavethelockerroomstillinmyworkoutgear.

IneedtotalktoCoachJaboutGina.Havingahateful,bitterplayerontheteamthatsaysnasty

thingstoteammates,completelyunprovoked,doesnothingforteammorale.

Achangeneedstobemade,andafterwatchingtheirpracticetoday,Ihavejustthesuggestionto

makethatcanhopefullymoveusinamorepositivedirection.

*****

AboutaweeklaterIfindmyselfjoggingonthetreadmillattheathleticcenterreflectingonmy

mostrecentmeetingwithRegina.

I’vegonetotwice-weeklytherapyappointmentssinceItalkedtoJeremyaboutreturning.It’s

goingreallywell,andIlovethatIgettomeetwithReginaagain.Sheneverholdsanythingback.In
ourthirdsession,shewasquicktopointoutthatIwasn’tbeingentirelyhonestaboutmyreasonsfor
goingbacktocounseling.

WhenIfinallyadmittedthatIhadfallenforaguyandwasstrugglingtofigurethingsout,she

gavemethatslownodtherapistsgiveyou,internalizingtheinformation,andthenmovedonto
discussJeremyandmydad.ButIknewitwouldn’tbethateasy.Werevisitedtheconversationabout
Mackinthefourthsession,whichwasthismorning.

“We’vetalkedalotaboutyourrelationshipwithyourdadandbrotheroverthepastfewsessions,

buttodayIwanttotalkaboutyouandthisyoungmanyou’vebeenseeing.Mack.You’vesaid
repeatedlythatyoudon’tknowhowtomakeitwork.Whatdoesthatmean?”sheaskedme.

IknewIcouldn’ttellherthathewasmycoach.Icouldbehonestwithherabouteverything

exceptforthat.

“Well…IguessIjustkeepwaitingforhimtodoorsaysomethingthatmydadwould.AndIknow

that’snotfairtohim,butit’showI’mwired.Jeremy’stheonlymaninmylifethatItrustimplicitly.His
motivationsareclear.WithMack,I’mjustnotsosure.”

“Whatabouthismotivationsisaconcerntoyou?”

IhadtopauseatthatandreallythingbeforeIgaveheranexample.

“Hehasareallygoodheart,andhe’ssohandsomeandkind,”Istarted,thinkingabouthowMack

hadrefocusedhislifeandtriedtodorightbyCherise.“Buthehasareally…darkpast.Drugsandsex
anddrinkingtoreallyunsafelevels…anythingtonumbhimselffromsomeofthestuffhewent
through.”

“I’massumingyouknowthisbecausehe’stalkedtoyouaboutit?”

Inodded.

“Yeah,hesatmedownandbasicallysharedhiswholehistory.Hehurtsomeoneinacaraccident

andtriedtodrownhispainandguilt.He…hegothelpthough.”Istammeredthelastpart,unsureifI
shouldsharethepartaboutMackattemptingtotakehislife.Thatseemedsopersonal,somethingI
shouldn’tsharewithoutpermission.

Reginamadeasofthummingnoiseandlookedbackathernotes,jottingsomethingdown.

“Andhowwashisfamilythroughthatperiod?”

Ishrugged.

“I’mprettysuretheyweresupportive.Hisparentsgothimintorehabandbackonhisfeet.When

hemovedtoCaliforniahemovedinwithhissisterandtheyseemtohaveagreatrelationship.He’s
gottenareallygoodthinggoinginhislife,now.”

“Doesthatbotheryou?”

Isquintedmyeyesinconfusion.

“What?Whywouldthatbotherme?”

“Well,withoutgoingintotoomuchdetailaboutit,youbasicallytoldmeMackwentthrougha

verydarkperiodinhislife,buthecameouttheothersidealmostentirelyunscathed,withthehelpand
supportfromhisfamily.Hehasajob,asteadyfuture,goodrelationships.Andyoudidn’thaveanyof
that.”

Myheadjerkedbackinshock.

“Excuseme?”

“Youalsohadadarkperiod,wherethingsweresobadyoutriedtokillyourself.Andwhenyou

cameouttheothersideyouwerealone.Jeremydidn’tknow,andyourrelationshipwithyourfather
wasabigpartofthereasonyoumadethechoiceyoudid.Youdidn’thavethesamesupportsystem,
andyouwentofftocollegeandtriedtobeindependentanddoeverythingonyourown.You’veplaced
allyourvalueingettingadegreeandajobsoyoucanhavethefreedomyoubelievewillsolveallof
yourproblems.”

Iblinked.

Iblinkedagain.

“Nothat’snot…I’mnotjealousof…”

ButIcouldn’tfinishthesentence.Mymindwastoobusyscrambling,tryingtorebuildthe

carefullycraftedworldIhadbuiltinmyhead.ReginawassilentasIsortedthroughtheshattered
piecesthatlaylitteredontheground.

“ButIcan’tactuallybelievethatIdon’ttrustMackbecauseIresenthimforhavingacaring

family,”Ifinallysaid.

“Idon’tthinkthat’swhathashappened,Rachel.Ithinkit’sthatforthefirsttime,youareseeinga

demonstratedexampleofhowthingscouldbeifyou’dhadsupportandcareafteryoursuicideattempt.
AndIthinkithighlightsforyousomeoftheinsecuritiesandimbalancesyoufeelbasedoncurrent
happeningsinyourlife.”

WhenIdidn’thaveanythingtoadd,Reginacontinued.

“Rachel,youhaveveryspecificideasaboutwhatwillmakeyouhappy.Andthereisnothing

wrongwithsettinggoalsforyourselfandworkinghardtoachievethem.Butyoualsohavetoteach
yourselfhowtoadjustwhenthingsdon’tgoaccordingtoplan,andhowtobuildandmaintain
importantrelationshipsinspiteofanysetbacks.That’slife.Anditseemslikethat’swhatishappening
toyounow.YourrelationshipwithJeremyisabitunstable.You’reworriedaboutcompletingyour
courseworktothespecificationsneededtoretainyouracademicscholarship.Youareenteringa
relationshipwithaman,andbecauseyoudon’trecognizeyourownworth-yourwords,notmine-you
questionhismotives.Inyourmind,everythingofvalueinyourlifeissittingontheedgeofacliffand
aslightbreezecouldsendittumblingdown.”

Inodded.

“That’sexactlyhowIfeel,”Iwhisper.

“ButRachel,nothingintheworldisthatfinite.Thinkhardaboutthesequestionsformeokay?

Jeremy.Thingsfeelrawandstrangerightnow.Butwhatdoyouthinkisgoingtobetheoutcomeof
it?”

Afteramoment,IrespondedtheonlywayIknewhow.

“We’llgetthroughit.Wearealleachotherhas.”

Reginanodded,sittingforwardandlookingatmeclosely.

“Andifthingsweretocontinuetofeelawkwardandstilted,whatwouldyoudo?”

Atearslippedfrommyeye.

“I’dforceustohaveahardconversationsowecouldfixit.”

“Exactly,”shesaidwithasmile.“Youwouldn’tjustallowthecircumstancesaroundyouto

happentoyou.Youwoulddosomethingaboutit.Andyourcoursework.Whatareyoudoingaboutit
rightnow?”

“I’vebeenstudyingwithafriendandworkingonaprojectinapairinsteadofalone.AndI’ve

beengoingtothetutoringcentertohavesomeonereadoverthepaperI’mworkingon.”

“Andletssayyouendupgettingalowergradethanyouneedforyourscholarship.Thinkof

worst-case-scenariostuff.Howwouldyouhandlethat?”

Iturnedmyheadtolookoutthewindow.

“IguessI’d…Idon’tknow.I’dspeaktomyscholarshipadvisortoseeifIcouldtakeadifferent

classorawintertermelectivetomakeitup.”

“Andifthatdidn’twork?”

“Well…maybeIcouldfindadifferentscholarship,orcontinuepart-timeonjusttheathletic

scholarshipuntilIcouldfigureoutwhattodonext.”

IcouldseeReginabeamingatmeoutofthecornerofmyeye.

“Allwonderfulideas.Andthosearejustthingsyoucameupwithoffthetopofyourheadwithout

helpfrompeoplewhowillwanttohelpyoustayenrolled,peoplewhoknowtheinsandoutsofthat
kindofstuff.”

Inodded,feelingasmallbrickofworryfallawayfrommyshoulders.

“AndMack.”

Myheadsnappedbackinherdirection.

“Whatabouthim?”

Shesmiledsoftly.

“You’renervousaboutyourrelationshipbecauseoftherelationshipyouhadwithyourdad.You

saidyou’rewaitingforhimtodoorsaysomethingthathurtsyousignificantly,orthatshowsyoucan’t
putthesameimplicittrustinhimthatyouplaceinJeremy.”

“Well…Idon’tknowaboutthat…”.ButItrailedoffwhenshegavemeaknowinglook.“Okay

fine,yes.Iguessthat’sarealisticdescriptionofhowmymindisworking.Fine.”

“Hashedoneanythingsofarthatwouldmakeyouthinkhedoesn’tdeserveyourtrust.”

Ipulledmylegsupandcrossedthemonthecouch,thinkingthrougheverythingasquicklyasI

could.Theknee-jerkreactionwouldbetobringupRonnieandthenightatSmoggyTavern.Butwe
talkedaboutthat,andifIwascompletelyhonest,eventhoughitdevastatedmeatthetime,Ididn’t
thinkhewouldeverdosomethinglikethatifhewasinarelationship.

Therewasthefacthewasworriedaboutlosinghisjobanddidn’ttalktomeaboutit.ButwouldI

havedonethesamething?Imean,Ikindofdid,butinabackwardsway.Hewaswillingtopotentially
losehisjobtosaveus.Iwaswillingtoloseustosavehim.Bothofourreactionswereaboutsacrifice
andputtingeachotherfirst.

AndmaybehegotabitoverzealouswhenitcametohisreactionaboutThomas.Butitwas

practicallyamirrorimageofmyreactionsaboutRonnie.Hiswasjustmorefueledbytestosterone.

SoifIwashonestaboutit-really,reallyhonest-IknewhowtoanswerRegina.

“No.Hehasn’tdoneanythingtomakemethinkhedoesn’tdeserveit.”

“Good.Andif,inthefuture,hebreaksyourtrust,orhehurtsyou,whatwillyoudo?”

Ilaugh.

“Idon’tknow.Imean,itwilldependonhowhedoesit.Mackwouldneveractuallyhurtme,like,

physically.Butifhebrokemytrustorhurtmeemotionally,Iguess…wellwewouldneedtotalkabout
itbeforeImadeadecisionaboutwhattodo.”

“Yes.Andthat’sagreatanswer,wanttoknowwhy?Becauseitdemonstratesthatyouvalue

communicationandworkingtosolveproblems.”

“ButIhaven’tbeendoingthat.I’vebeenjumpingtoconclusionsandmakingassumptions.I’ve

beenhurtinghimwhenIwassoworriedabouthimhurtingme.”

“Andthat’sbasedonthefactyouwereworriedabouttrustinghisintentions.Nowthatyou’ve

realizedyoudon’tnecessarilyhaveanythingtoworryabout,mightthatchangehowyourespondnext
time?”

Ishrugged,feelinghorrible.Allthistime,Iwasthinkinghewastheproblem.Butinrealityitwas

me.

“Ihopeso.Iwanttobebetterforhim.Imean,that’swhyI’mhere.”

Reginaremovedherglassesandsatforward,pinningmewithastarethatwasacrossbetween

motherlyconcernandthatlookateachergivesyouwhentheythinkyoucandobetter.

“Rachel,becarefulwithastatementlikethat.You’replacingtoomuchvalueonyouinrelationto

him.Butthewholereasonyou’reheretobeginwithisbecauseyoustruggletoplacevalueinyoujust
onyourown.”

“Soyou’resayingIhavetobebetterforme.Regardlessofhowtherelationshipturnsout.”

Shenoddedandgavemeasweetsmileagain.

“That’sright.Becauseifyoulearntodevelopyoursenseofself-worth,butit’sentwinedwithhis

presenceinyourlife,andthingsdon’tworkout,thatvaluewilldisappearandyou’llbebackatsquare
oneagain.”

“Hopeforthebest,expecttheworst.”

Sheshookherhead.

“No.Notatall.Hopeforthebest,accepttherest.Youcanonlycontrolyourselfandyouractions

andreactions.Youcan’tcontrolsomeoneelse,andlivingalifebracedforallworst-case-scenarios
isn’thealthyeither.That’swhyIsaidearlierthatit’simportanttolearntoadjustwhenthingsgooff
coursefromwhatyou’vehopedfor.So,likeIsaid,hopeforthebest,andaccepttherest.”

God,shemadesomuchsense.WhatIlovedsomuchaboutReginaisthatherconversationswith

mewerejustthat-conversations.Shedidn’tjustaskmehowIwasfeelingandthenaskfor
clarification.Shedidn’tmakemmmhhhmmmnoiseslikeyouseeonmovies.Shegavemeadviceand
suggestionsonhowtosolvemyproblems.

Sheclosedhernotebook.

“Letsreviewquicklyokay?”

Inoddedandshehelduponefinger.

“Firstofall,it’simportantthatyouremindyourselfwhatyourtruemotivationsareforreturning

totherapy.It’snotaboutMack,evenifthatiswhatinitiallypromptedthevisit.It’saboutfocusingon
findingvalueinyourself,andbeingabletotrustthosearoundyou.Becauseifyourvalueinyourselfis
strong,thentheactionsofthosearoundyouwon’thavealife-alteringimpactonyouiftheyletyou
down.Andthat’sbecauseyourintrinsicworthisnotbasedinwhatothersdothatyoucan’tcontrol.
Right?”

Inoddedagain.

“Right.AndifIcreatevalueinmyselfbasedonarelationship,I’llhavetostartoveragainifthe

relationshipfails.”

Shetouchedhernosethenpointedatme.

“Exactly.”

Sheheldupasecondfinger.

“Second,youarefeelingalittleoff-kilterwithcertainimportantareasofyourlife.Jeremy.

Academics.Mack.Butyouyourselflistedhowyouwillapproacheachoftheseveryimportantfacetsif
thingsdon’tgoaccordingtoplan.ThisweekIwantyoutospendtimethinkingaboutthose,because
forwardthinkingisreallyimportantwhensettingyourselfuptobestronginthefaceofdifficult
situations.Beginpreparationsnowsoyouaren’tblindsidedlater.Forexample,visitingyouradvisor
nowtodiscussoptionsforwhatwillhappenifyoucontinuetostruggleacademicallycouldhelpyou
feelmoreincontrolofwhatwillhappennext.Butalsoremember,youwanttobepreparedfordifficult
situations,butnotalwaysassumingthatsomethingbadisgoingtohappen.”

“Okay,andtalkingtoJeremyandMacknowcanbegintheprocessofrepairingsomeofthe

issues.”

“Bingo.”

Ismiled,feelingalotmoreincontrolofthingsandalittlemoresure-footedthanIfeltwhenI

arrived.

Theslammingofthegymdoorsnapsmeoutofmymemoryofthemorningandthefantastic

conversationIhadwithRegina.IlookovertomyrightandseeGinastormingacrosstheroom
towardsme,angerrollingoffofherinwaves.

“Youfuckingbitch,”sheseethesasshegetscloser.

Iquicklystopmytreadmillandhopoff.Lookslikeshewasbumpedfromstartertoday.Istand

withoutadefensiveposture,tryingtoremembertheprepconversationIhadwithCoachJabouthow
tohandletheinevitablefallout.

“WhatcanIdoforyouGina?”Iask,keepinganymalicefrommytone.

“Don’tactlikeyoudon’tknowwhatjusthappened,”shespits.“Igotbumpedfromstarterand

yourlittleminionistakingmyplace!”

“I’mawarethatdecisionhadbeenmade,”Irespond.“Didyouhaveanyquestionsorconcerns

aboutitthatCoachJwasunabletoanswer?”

Shegrowlsatme,herhandsclenchingintofists.

“Thisisallyourfuckingfault,youstupidfuckingcow,”shescreams,causingotherathlete’s

headstoturnourway.

“Gina,ImadetherecommendationthatPipershouldbemovedtostarterformultiplereasons,

whichIamsureCoachJreviewedwithyou.Macksaidtheywantedtogiveyouanothertwogamesto
demonstratethatyouwerethebetterplayerandthatyouwerecapableofworkingeffectivelyinthe
team.Youfailedonboth,whichiswhyPiperhasreplacedyou.”

Gina’sfaceisbrightredandherbodypracticallyvibratingwithrage.

“Youaregoingtopayforthis,”shehisses,beforestormingawayfrommeandoutthedoor.

Ibreatheindeeplyandexhale,tryingtoremaincalm.Thatgirlhasawayofgettingundermy

skinlikenooneelsecan.

ButIhavetoadmittomyself,asaslowsmilecreepsontomyface,seeingherskinturnthat

particularshadeofredwasincrediblysatisfying.

ChapterSeventeen

Atthecrackofdawnthefollowingmorning,aFridayatthebeginningofNovember,ourteam

packsupintoabusandshuttlesdowntoSanDiegoagain,thistimefortheSouthernCaliforniaSmall
CollegeTournament,affectionatelycalledtheSC2.

Beingasmallerschoolmeanswomen’steamsgettheshaftonfundingtocoverteam-related

events,soit’sabigdealthattheathleticdepartmentissupportingourtripdowntoSanDiego.The
women’steamhasmadeittothisveryimportanttournamentforthefirsttimeever,though,sothey
werekindofobligatedtopretendtheycared.

ThegamesweplaythisweekendwilldetermineifwegettoplayintheCollegeCupin

December.Themen’steamhasmadeitbefore,soit’sprettymuchagiventhattheywillattendthis
year.Ourchancesarestillabitmoreuncertain,andthepressureweallfeeltoperformthisweekend
ishigh.

Thejointbusridewiththemen’steamandrequirementtoplayinmultiplegamesoverseveral

daysalsomeansweneedtostayovernightinSanDiego,sotheathleticdepartmentalsosplurgeson
hotelroomsforus.Shittyhotelrooms,withcigaretteburnsinthehorriblystiffbedspread.Butstill,
it’satripoutoftownforabunchofhealthy,energeticcollegestudentstomeetandinteractwithother
healthy,energeticcollegestudents.

It’sdisgustinglyexcitingandI’veheardit’slikeamini-Olympicvillage.Lotsofsexand

drinkinganddebaucheryonceeachteamisdoneplaying.Tosayallofitmakesmeterribly
uncomfortablewouldbeanunderstatement.

“Thinkweshouldgetoutthatblacklightbeforewecrawlunderanycovers?”

IsnortoutalaughandthrowashinguardatPiper.

“God,no.I’llsleepinfilthy,ignorantblissoverfindingoutthesheetsarediseased.”

Pipergigglestoo.

“Blurg.Sogross.”

Andyetshestillcrawlsontoherdoublebedandsplaysherbodyout,facedownintothatsame

bedspread.

“Don’tgettoocomfy,missy.Coachsaidweneededtogoona4mileruninourowntimesince

ourfirstgameisn’tuntiltomorrowmorning.Someofthegirlsaremeetingdownstairsinaboutan
hour.”

WhenallIhearisagroanmuffledbythebed,IleanoverandsmackPiper ’sbutt.

Sheyelps.

“Alright!I’llbereadyinanhour.Leavemebeuntilthen,porfavor.”

Andsheplopsbackdownonthemattress.

WhilePiperrestsfacedowninwhoknowswhat,Iplunkinmyheadphonesandcrankupmy

tunes.Unpackingisunnecessaryforjustatwo-nightstay,butit’ssomethingtodowithmyhandsthat
doesn’trequirealotofbrainpower.Myhopeistofocusonthismeaninglesstaskinsteadoftheother
millionthingsIwantorneedtothinkabout.

Afterabout10minutes,therearenoitemslefttounpackandIglancearoundtheroom,tryingto

findsomethingtokeepmebusy.IrollmyeyesandsmilewhenIrealizeIcanhearPipersnoring
softly,herfacestillburiedinthebedspread

WhenIwalktothewindowandpullbackthecurtaintolookout,IbarkoutasmalllaughwhenI

seewe’refacingabrickwall.Classic.ButwhenIpressmyforeheadagainsttheglass,Icanseea
sliveroflifebeyondandtheoceaninthebackground.

Suchaperfectmetaphorformylife.

WhenIfinallygetbraveenoughtolookoutthewindowandintomyfuture,Ican’tactuallysee

anything.ButifIpressalittleharder,Icanseehintsofthingstocome,andIcantrytopreparefor
them.

AsmymindflipsoverandovertheconversationIhadwithReginayesterday,IrealizethatifI’m

goingtobeginlookingforward,Ineedtofocusonbuildingfoundationsfortheimportant
relationshipsinmylife.

AndIknowexactlywheretostart.

*****

“I’mjustgonnagetafewmorelapsaroundtheblocktocooldown,”IsaytoPiperaswefinish

upourrequiredruntwohourslater.“I’llcatchupwithyouinabit,okay?”

Piperstrikesapose,herhandsonherhips.

“Girl,comeon!Don’tpushyourselftoohardthedaybeforeagame.”

Igiggleatherwrinklednose.

“Ipromise,cooldownlaps.YouknowI’mintenseaboutcooldowns.”

Piperhuffsbutgivesmeasmallsmileandwavesassheheadsintothehotel.

Istartintoaslowjogaroundtheblock,andwhenI’madecentwaysawayfromthehotelIpull

myphonefromthebandonmyarm.MyheartpoundsloudlyinmychestasIscrolltoMack’s
numberandpressthegreenbutton.

IspenttheentirejogwiththegirlsthinkingaboutwhatIwillsaytohim.DoIhavetheabilityto

reallyexpresshowIfeel?AmIbraveenoughtobehonest?Willhebeopenenoughtomeetingme
halfway?

“Hey.”

Hisvoiceisalowrumblethroughthephone,anditsoundslikehe’stryingtobequiet.

“Hey,it’sRJ.”

Hechuckles,understatedandwarm.

“Yes,Iknowwhoitis.WhatcanIdoforyou?”

Ileanupagainstthebackofabenchonthesideoftheroad.

“Canwetalk?”

AndI’mmetwithsilence.

“Imeaninperson.Ijusthaveafewthings…”Iletmyvoicetrailoff,feelingalittleunsurenow

thatitseemslikeIwillhavetoconvincehimtoseeme.

“Sure,just…giveme10minutesandIcanheadout.Wheredoyouwanttomeet?”

IexhalearelievedbreathandlookaroundquicklyforpointsofinterestorwaysIcantellMack

whereIam.

“There’saparkabout3blocksawayfromthehotelonGStreet.Wannameetthere?”

“Yeah,I’lllookitupandheadoutinafew.”

WehangupandIwalkacrossthestreettothepark,findingshelterfromthesununderahuge

oaktree.Ormaybeit’smaple.Ican’treallytellthedifference,butitisanabsolutelymassivetree.The
rootsaregrowingupoutofthegroundinthickropes.Thetrunkisthick,thefoliagefullandgreen.

OneofthethingsIloveaboutlivinginSouthernCaliforniaisthatit’sperpetuallyspringand

summer,withtinylittlehintsofrainandcold.Buttheleavesalwaysstayfullandbeautiful.Nothing
everdies.

Unlessthere’safire.Butthat’sadifferentthing,right?

About15minuteslater,IseeMackroundthecornerandstarttowardsmyspotsittingononeof

thetreeroots.IrubmysweatypalmsagainstmyblackrunningshortsasIrepeatthingsoveragainin
myhead,remindingmyselfofwhatIwanttosay.

Iknowyousaidyou’dwaitandbepatient.Canyoudothatforanothersixmonths?BecauseIam

inlovewithyouandwilldoanythingnottoloseyou.

Shortandsweet.Simpleandstraightforward.

HopefullyMackthinkssotoo.

Whenhefinallysitsdownnexttome,Itakeamomenttobreathehimin.Thatfamiliarwarmth,

thatslighttouchofsweatandsoap.Itelicitsmemoriesofjokingaroundafterapractice,ofhim
kissingmeagainstmyfrontdoor,ofhishomethenightheexplainedhispasttome.

God,I’msohopefulandsoterrifiedatthesametime.

“Hey,”hesays,histoneslightlyguarded,hiseyestrainedonwhateverisinfrontofhim,andnot

onme.

Butmyeyesaregluedtohim.Tohisjawandhisstubbleandthatslightcurlatthenapeofhis

neckwherehishairgrowsunruly.

WhenIcontinuetostareandfailtorespond,hefinallyturnstolookmeintheeyes.

“Youwantedtotalk?”

Iclearmythroatandgiveanembarrassedsmile.

“Yeah…yes.Thanksforcoming.”

Irubmyhandsonmyshortsagain.

Stupidnerves.

“I…Iknowyousaidyou’dwait…and,bepatient,”Istart,myeyesfixedonmyhandsthatgrip

justslightlytothehemofmyshorts.“Canyoudothatforanothersixmonths?”

Ichanceaglanceathimandseehimstaringatmewithaslightfrown,hiseyebrowsfurrowedin

themiddle.NotexactlytheresponseIwashopingfor.Butinsteadoflettingthesilencelinger,my
traitoroushonesttonguetakesover.

“BecauseI’minlovewithyouandIdon’twanttoloseyoujustbecauseI’vegotallthisbullshit

goingoninmyhead.”

Ibracemyelbowsonmykneesanddropmyheadinmyhands.

“AndI’mworkingonit.Ipromise.I’mmeetingwithmytherapistagainandshe’samazingand

shehelpedmeseeinjustafewsessionsthatI’mlivingmylifebracedformentotreatmelikeshit
andforeverythingI’veplannedtofallapart.ButIdon’twanttolivethatway.”

Ilookoverathimagain,hopinghecanseethepleainmyeyes,andthattheabsolutelyridiculous

stream-of-consciousthoughtstumblingoutofmymoutharemakingsense.

“Iwantsomuchtobewithyouandexplorewhateverthisisinreallife,andnotjustinsecret.To

seeifyoureallyarethemanIthinkyouare.Akind,goodmanwhomakesmelaughandsmilemore
thananyone.ButIalsowanttomakesureI’mstayingfocusedonmyfutureandalifeIworkedreally
hardfor,alifeIhadtofightfor.AndifReginacanhelpmeworkthroughahandfulofthingsinjusta
fewweeks,imaginehowmuchmorenormalandnotbrokenIcanbeifwedateafterIgraduate.The
season’salmostoverandIwon’tbebacknextyearandI’mnottryingtogoprosoIwon’tbeat
springtrainings.Sowecouldjust,Idon’tknow,emailandtextandtalkoccasionallyorsomething.

WhichIknowmightnotbeenoughforyourightnow,andI’lltotallyrespectthatifthat’sthecase,but
I’dratherhaveyouinmylifeinsomeway,evenjustinsmalldoses,thannothaveyouatall.Because
inlike,sixweeks,youhavebecomethislifeforcethatkeepsthebloodpumpinginmyveinsandI
can’timaginewhatitwouldbeliketonothaveyou.Imean,notthatIhaveyou,haveyou.Like,I’m
notyourbossorgirlfriendoranything,butyou’resoimportantandIcan’timagine…”

AndmywordsgetcutoffwhenMackstandsabruptly,walkingawayfromme.

Myheartplummetsandmyeyesprickleatthecorners.

IknewIwasramblingbutIdidn’tthinkthathewouldjustgetupand…

Butthenheturnsaroundandlooksatme,andwhateverreactionmyheartjusthadisnowin

reverse.

Becausethelookheisgivingme…

It’snotangry,orupset,ordisappointed.

No.

Itisfullofhope,andlonging.Andlove.

He’sstanding10feetaway,handsbracedathiships.

Istandslowlyandrubmyhandsonmyshortsagain.

“Youare…”hestopsandshakeshishead,lettingoutahumorlesschuckle.“RJ,youarenot

broken.”

Isquintmyeyesinconfusion.OutofeverythingIsaidtohimaboutlovinghimandwaitinguntil

Igraduatetodate,hefocusedonthat?

“Ifyouenduptakingonlyonethingawayfromknowingme,Iwantittobethat.Youarenot

broken.Inanyway.You’vebeenbangedupabitbythingsImightnotreallyunderstand,andyou’ve
beenwornwearybyburdensthatyou’vecarriedforyearsonyourownwithnoonetohelpyou
lightenthatload.ButRJ,shit.”Heshakeshisheadagain,takingafewstepstowardsme.“Youare
anythingbutbroken.You’rebeautifulandresilientand…”

Hestopsandrubshishandsupanddownhisface.

“AndI’minlovewithyou,”hefinishes,hiseyesconnectingwithmineagain.“Soinlovewith

youthatIhavebeenbarelyseeingstraightforthepastfewweekswonderingifthatwastheend.”

Istandsuddenlyandpracticallyrushhim,mybodycollidingwithhisinahugsotightandwarm,

IwonderhowIwilleverletgo.Hisarmswraparoundmymiddleandminearesqueezingtight
aroundhisneckandshoulders,ourcheekspressedtogether.

“Idon’twantthattobetheend,”hewhispersintomyear,kissingmesoftlyjustbeneathit.“Six

monthsisnothingwhenconsideringthepotentialofforeverwithoutyou.”

ChapterEighteen

IgroaninternallywhenIseethecallerIDdisplayonmyphone.Frank.I’veneverprogrammed

himinasDad-it’sjustFrank.

“Don’tanswerit,”Mackwhispersfromhisspotnexttomeonthebus.WhenIlookathimin

question,hecontinues,“It’seithersomethingyoudon’twanttohear,orit’ssomethingthatwillmake
youupset.Youdon’tneedthattoday.”

Myfirstinstinctistobrushhimoff,tellhimitisn’tabigdeal.ButthenIrememberwhatI

promisedtomyself.ThatIwouldopenupthoseprotectedpartsofmyselftoMack,andtrusthimwith
thosepiecesofvulnerabilitythatIthinkmakemeweak.

Inodslightly,clickingtheignorebutton.

“You’reright.Idon’tneedhisparticularbrandofcrazytoday.”

Mackgivesmykneetwotaps,thenturnsbacktofocusonthepaperworkinfrontofhim.

Sittingnexttoeachotherontheshortbusridefromthehoteltothearenaisweird.NormallyIsit

withPiper,andshesentmeawhyareyousittingwithcoach?textwhenIstoppedatthefrontofthe
busandslidinpasthimtogettotheemptyseatbythewindow.

Ididn’trespond,figuringtheexcuseIhadcraftedthismorningdidn’tevenmakesense,andthat

thetimeonthebuswouldprovidemewithextratimetocomeupwithsomething.

Butofcourse,mymindisblank.

Hedidn’tactsurprisedwhenIsatnexttohim.It’snotevenjustthathewasn’tsurprised.He

barelyresponded.Hedidn’tmoveoutofthewayorrearrangehisstuff.Hedidn’tevenlookatmeat
first.TheonlyreasonIknowhewasawareIwassittingnexttohimwastheghostofasmilethatsat
onhisfacewhenIturnedtolookathimafterafewminutes.

TellingmetoignoreFrank’scallwasliterallythefirstthinghesaidtome.

Buthehasbeensittingfortheentire10minutebusridewithhiskneepressedtomine,andI

cannotforthelifeofmecalmthebutterfliesthataresoaringaroundinmystomachandaroundmy
heart.

Fromtouchingknees.

Sopathetic.

Whenthebuscomestoahalt,Iglanceoutsideandseethestadium.

Shitshitshit.

“What’swrong?”Mackasks.

“DidIsaythatoutloud?”

Helaughs.

“Yeah,nowwhat’swrong?”

“Idon’thaveareasonwhyIsatnexttoyou,”Iwhispertohim.

Mackshrugs.

“Don’tworry,”hesays,hisvolumeabithigher.“Iusedtogetnervesbeforetournamentstoo.

Gladtoheartheypassedsoquickly.”Hepatsmyshoulderandturnstowalkoutofthebus.

Ishuffleafterhim,feelingslightlyrelievedthatIdon’thavetocomeupwithafakeexcuse,while

simultaneouslypissedthathemademesoundlikeanervousNellieinfrontoftherestoftheteam.

“SogladtohearI’mnottheonlyonewhofeelslikethey’regonnaupchuckbeforeagame,”

Pipersaysasshebouncesdownthesteps.“IthoughtIwastheonlyfreakontheteam.”Shegivesmea
cheesygrinbeforescootingpastmetograbherdufflefromunderneaththebus.

Igrabmyduffleaswell,followingtheteamthroughtheparkinglotandtowardsthestadium

tunnels.IamdressedandreadytogobythetimeIglanceatmyphoneagain.Twomissedcallsanda
textfromJeremy.

Jeremy:He’scomingtothegame.I’monmyway.

Mystomachdrops.Whywouldhecometoanothergame?Thereislegitimatelynoreasonfor

himtocome.Icanfeelmybloodpumpingfasterasitthrobsthroughmybody,angerandfrustration
ripplingacrossthesurfaceofmyskin.

Me:Don’tcome.I’llbefine.

Ialmostsendit.

Itypeitcompletely,andthenstareatitasmyteammatesmillaroundme.Laughingandjoking

andexcitedaboutthegame.

IstareatatextIwanttosendtomybrother,inanattempttosavehimthefrustrationwhile

everyonearoundmeenjoysthemselves.

ButthenIdeleteit.

It’snotmyjobtoprotectJeremy.Bydoingthat,I’vecreatedabarrierbetweenusthatisnowone

ofthecausesofariftthatIcan’tstand.Ifhewantstocomeandbesupportive,soIcanbelikeevery
othernormalpersononthisteam,Ishouldlethim.

ButIalsohavetotellmycoachthatthereisapotentialdistraction.

Ihopupfromthebenchnexttothelockersandgotothehallwayjustoutsidethelockerroom,

whereMackandCoachJaretalkingquietly.TheystopimmediatelywhenIapproach.

“What’sup,Rachel?”CoachJasks.

Itthrowsmeforjustamoment,sincemyfocushadbeenonsharingwithMack.ButCoachJ’s

questionremindsmethatI’mheretotellmycoaches,plural,aboutadistraction.I’mnotheretocry
tomyfutureboyfriendaboutmyassholedad.

“ThegameagainstUSDafewweeksago,therewasahecklerinthecrowdthatcausedsome

problems.”

Iprovidetheinformationasastatement,notaquestion,becauseIknowtheyremember.

EveryoneremembersRachelJameson’sdadcallingheradykeloudandclear.

“He’scomingtoday,andhispresencewillcauseproblemsforme.YouneedtoputErininas

starter.I’dlikepermissiontonotgoonthefield.”

WhenallIhearissilence,Iglanceupatbothofthem,myeyespreviouslytrainedontheground.

CoachJ’seyesarefurrowedinconfusion,whileMackjustwatchesmewithaneutralexpression.

“I’vealreadyinformedCoachJthatyourfatherwillbeatthegame,”Macksays,“andweboth

agreedthatitwouldbebesttokeepyouonthefield.”

Nowmyheadcockstothesidewithmyownconfusion.

“Thatmakesnosense.LasttimeIcouldbarelypayattentionwhenhewashere.Ialmostlostus

thegame.Thisgameiswaymoreimportant.”

“I’llletyoutwogetonthesamepage,”CoachJsays,andwalksbackintothelockerroom.

IstareafterhimforamomentbeforeturningmyattentionbacktoMack.

“I’msolost.Washemad?”

Mackshakeshisheadslightly.

“I’dalreadytoldCoachJthatyourdadwascoming,andthatyouwerestillgoingtoplay.Hewas

probablyjustwonderingwhyyouweretellingusforwhatseemedlikeasecondtimetohim,andwhy
youwouldsayyoushouldsitoutwhenIjusttoldhimyouweregoodtoplayanyway.”

“ButI’mnotgoodtoplay,Mack.I’mgonnachokeagain,andI…wait.Howdidyouknowhe

wascoming?”

“Jeremycalledme.”

Myheadjerksback.

“What?”

“Yeah.Hewasworriedandsaidhecouldn’tgetaholdofyou.Hewantedtomakesuresomeone

waskeepinganeyeonthingstomakesureyouwereokay.”

Iletoutasuddenburstofuncontrollablelaughter,andMackbreaksintoagrin.

“Well,Iguesshe’satleastacceptedtheideathatyoumightcareaboutme.”

“IworryeveryonecantellhowmuchIcareaboutyou,”hereplies.

Myfaceblushesbrightred.

“I’mserious,RJ.Ifeellikeit’sstampedonmyforeheadsometimes.Ifeellikemyeyesare

alwaysgluedtoyou,evenwhenI’msupposedtobewatchingsomeoneelseonthefieldorlisteningto
someoneelsespeakingtome.”

Ishakemyheadwithasmallsmile.

“Ilovethat,”Iwhisper.

Mackclearshisthroat.

“Well,weshouldgetbackinside.Mydecisionisfinal,justsoyouknow.You’replaying.You’ll

befine.Theteamwillbebehindyouifthere’sanyproblems.”

Istandwithmyarmscrossed,andwatchasheturnsandentersthelockerroom.

IfeellikeIneedtodosomething,butI’mnotsurewhat.There’sananticipationcoursing

throughmyveinsinplaceoftheangerthatwasboilingtothesurfaceearlier.

Thensuddenly,itoccurstome.

Ishootintothelockerroom,justasMackiscallingeveryonetoattention.

“CanIsaysomethingquickly?”Iask,andseeeveryeyeintheroomshoottome.Ihatebeingthe

focusofattention,butIhavetopushpastit.

Mackwavesahandoutinfrontofhim.

“Thefloorisyours.”

Iclearmythroatnervously,glancingaroundtheroomandcatchingPiper ’seyes.Ilatchontoher

beautifulspiritinanattempttocalmmyself.

“I’msureyouallprobablyremembertheUSDgame,whentherewasamanshoutingreally

horriblethingsattheteamfromthestands.”

Afewnods.Alotofcuriouslooks.

“Well,it’snocoincidencethathesingledmeoutthatday.Thatguyismydad.”

Afewgasps.Alotofopenmouths.

“He’sanalcoholic,andhewasphysicallyandverballyabusivetomewhenIwasgrowingup.I

knowthismightseemlikearandomthingtosharewiththeteam,butIpromise,Ihaveareason.”

Afewwideeyes.Alotofpityingstares.

“He’sgoingtobeheretoday,inthestands.IspokewithCoachMcIntoshaboutpossiblystarting

Erin,sinceIhaveahardtimeconcentratingwhenhe’saround.Icannormallyshutoutmostthings
andfocus-butnothim.Ijustwantedtobehonestwithyou,agroupofwomenIcareaboutdeeply,

thatIwilldoeverythingIcantohelpyouwinthisgame,butthatthisonethingmayimpactmy
performance.”

IcatchMack’seyes.

“RecentlyIrealizedthatyoucan’tworkwellwithanyoneunlessyou’reopenandvulnerable,and

willingtotakerisks.”

MackgivesmeasmallsmileandIturnmyheadtoletmyeyeswanderthroughthegroup.

“Butinthiscase,themajorityofriskrestsontheteamasawhole,notjustonme.Idon’tthinkit

wouldbefairformetogointothisgamewithapotentialdistractionwithoutyouknowing.Iwanted
tomakesureyouunderstandwhattodaywillbelikeforme,andIwantedtomakesureIhaveyour
permissiontoplay.”

There’sasuperintensesilencewhenIfinish.Iglancearoundagain,catchPiper ’seyeswatching

mewithapprovalandasmirk.ErinandKristalaresittingtogetherwatchingmewithbeamingsmiles.
AndwhenmyeyesconnectwithMack’sagainIseeprideandrespectandloveradiatingfromhim.

“Oh,comeon.That’sbullshit,”Ginagritsout.

AndallofthoseeyesIhatedhavingonmefinallyturnawayandlatchontoanothertarget.

WhenmyeyeslaserinonGina,Iseeherstandinginfrontofanopenlocker,herhandsonher

hips,herfacetwistedinascowl.

“Shewrappeditupinaprettybow,butwhatshejusttoldyouallisthatshe’sgoingtobeadeer

inheadlightstodayastherestoftheteambustsasstryingtowinthisgame.Ithinksheshouldbeasked
tositouttoday.”

“Gina,stopbeingafuckingbitch.”IturntoseePipertakingastepforward.“Noonewantsto

hearyourshit.”

“IsitcapableforyoutoshoveyournoseanyfartherupRJ’sass?”Ginaspitsout.“You’re

alreadyastartertoday.Youdon’tneedtopushanyfarther.Andyou’reatotalidiotifyoucan’trealize
she’saliability.Besides,whetherI’mabitchornotisirrelevantwhenwhatI’msayingistrue.She’s
goingtolosethisgamefortheteam.”

ThesilenceintheroomissoheavyIcanfeeltheweightofitonmyshoulders.

“Avote,then.”

MyeyesflybacktoMack’sinsurprise,andI’msureI’mnottheonlyonetorespondthisway.

“MyoriginalplanwastoputRJinbecauseIbelieveinherabilitytoovercomeherissueswith

herdad.Itwasherdecisiontosharewithyouwhyherdad’spresencewillpotentiallybeaproblem.
Shewantedtoopenuptoyouandaskforyourpermissiontoplay,eventhoughIhadalreadytoldher
whatmydecisionwas,becauseshevaluesthecollectiveteamperspective.”

Heclearshisthroat,eyeingtheroom.

“AndeventhoughIdetestthewayitwasphrasedandthinkimmature,cattybehaviorisuncalled

foronthisteam,”hesays,glaringatGina,whosuddenlylosesashadeofcolor,“itisavalidpoint
thatRJ’scapabilityasakeepermaybeimpacted.IthinkRJdidtherightthinginlettingyoualldecide,
asateam,whethersheshouldbeonthatfield.So,avote.Ateamdecision.”

AfterafewmomentswhereIseesomeuncomfortableglancesmyway,IknowIhavetosay

something.

“Iwon’tbeupset,whateverdecisionismade.Itwon’timpacthowIfeelaboutanyofyou.I’ll

totallyunderstand.Andifithelps,I’lljuststepout,”Ipointtothedoorandbegintakingstepsinthat
direction,“soeveryonecansaywhattheywant.”

I’moutthedoorquickly,pacingthehallways.Butit’sonlyafewminutesbeforePipercomes

flyingoutthedoorwithashit-eating-grinonherface.

“Pullonyourgloves,bitch!It’stimetoplay!”

*****

Ican’tstopsmilingwhenIgetoffthefieldanhourandahalflater.Notonlydidwewin,butI

wason.Fucking.Point.Andtheicingonthecakeisthatmydaddidn’tmakeapeepduringthegame,
soI’massumingJeremyshowedupatsomepointandeitherforcedhimtostayquietorkepthim
fromevenattendingthegame.

Iguesslettinghimprotectmeisn’tsobad.

WhatisbadiswhenIgetoutsidethelockerroomaftershowering,readytoheadbacktothe

hotel,andIfindJeremyandMacktogether,talkingquietly.

“Whathappened?”Iask,startlingthemboth.

Theyexchangealookthatmeanssomethingonlytothem,beforeMackturnstowardsme,his

expressiongrim.

“Yourdad’shere,”ishisresponse.

MyeyesflickfromMackwherehestandstoJeremy,whoisleaningsidewaysagainstthe

cinderblockwall,notfullylookingatme.I’mtryingtodeciphertheunderlyingtensionswarming
aroundthem,butI’munabletoseewhatthey’renotsaying.

“…And?”

MacklookstoJeremyagain.

Whenmyeyestrackbacktomybrother,Igasp.Nowthathe’spushedawayfromthewalland

turnedfullytowardsme,Icanseehissplitlipandthecutonhiseyebrow,aswellasthebruises
alreadyformingunderhiseye.

“Jeremy,whatthehellhappened?”Iask,rushingtowardshimtoinspecthisface.

Buthebrushesmeaway,wavinghishandintheairdismissively.

“It’snothing,”hereplies.“Dad’sfacelooksworse.”

“What!?”Ishout.“Jeremy,willyoujusttellmewhathappened?”

Jeremyshakeshishead,justslightly,mostlyindisbelief.

“Thatstupidfuckthoughthecouldshowuptonightandnotgettheshitbeatoutofhimiswhat

happened,”hebarksout.“Idon’tknowhowhefoundoutaboutthistournament,butImadesurehe
knewhewasn’teverwelcomebackatoneofyourgames.”

Jeremymakesanangrynoise,thencursesandtouchesthecutonhislip.

“IwaitedoutsideforhimandwhenIsawhimstumblinguptotheentrance,Imadeitclearthathe

wouldn’tbeattending.Theassholesuckerpunchedme.SoIwrappedmyarmaroundhisneckand
draggedhimouttomycar.Hegotinafewgoodhitsbuthe’sfuckingwasted.Iknockedhimoutand
threwhiminthebackseat.He’sgonnasleepitoffuntilIdrivehisasshome.”

Weareallsilentforamoment.IletJeremy’swordsplayoveragaininmyhead.Hebeattheshit

outofourdad.PartofmewantstolaughandpartofmeisupsetbecauseIwouldneverwantJeremy
toriskgettingintroubleorgettinghurt.

WhenJeremyfoundoutthatCartercheatedonmeinhighschool,hedrovehomefromcollege

thatverydayandconfrontedCarterashewasleavingfootballpractice.Iwascomingoutofthe
women’slockerroomswhenIsawthemthroughthechainlinkfence,arguingintheparkinglot.

MackhadtakenCarterbytheshirtandslammedhimupagainsttheexpensivetruckMr.Lincoln

boughtjusttwoweeksearlierasapresentforCartermakingteamcaptain.IracedasfastasIcould
towardsthem,butbythetimeIgotthere,CarterwasflatonhisbackandJeremywashittinghimover
andoverintheface.

Ihadtothrowmyselfinbetweenthemtogethimtostoppunching.Whoknowswhetherhe

wouldhavebeenabletostop.

Hespentanightinjailbecausedadhadn’twantedtobailhimoutandhiscoachhadtocometo

towntodoit.Hewaschargedwithassaultandhadabunchofcommunityservice.

I’dboughthimathankyoucard.

I’mjoltedbacktothepresentwhensuddenly,Jeremyturnsandpunchesthecinderblockwallof

thetunnel.

I’msostunned,Idon’treact.

IjustwatchasJeremyhitsthewalloverandoveragain.

Itisn’tuntilMackwrapshisarmsaroundJeremyandpullshimbackwardsthatIrealizeJeremy’s

bloodisnowmarkingthewallwherehesplitopenhisfist.

TearstrackdownmycheeksasIwatchMackquicklyandquietlybringJeremytohiskneeson

thefloorofthetunnelwherewestand.MackremainswithhisarmslockedaroundJeremy’storso,
inhibitingJeremy’sabilitytomove.

Irushtokneeldowninfrontofthem,mykneestouchingJeremy’s.AndwhenIleanincloseand

trytocatchhiseyesthatIrealizehe’scryingtoo.

“Areyouokay?”Iwhisper.

He’squietforamoment,staringatthewallbehindme,beforefinallyshakinghishead.

“Ishouldhaveprotectedyoufromhim,”hewhispersback.

IleanforwardandrestmyforeheadonJeremy’schest.

“No,”Ireply,althoughIknowmywordsareslightlymuffled.“Wetalkedaboutthis.Itwasn’t

yourfault.”

Ileanbackandlookhimintheeyeagain.

“Youarewhatkeptmesane,Jer.Knowingyouwereoutthereandthatyoulovedmeandyou

didn’tthinkthehorriblethingsFranksaidyoudid.”

Mack’sarmsbegintoreleasewhenheseesJeremyisn’tgoingtothrowanymorepunches.

Jeremytakestheopportunitytoshifthisbodysohe’sleaningbackagainstthewall.Buthedoesn’tsay
anything.Hejuststaresblanklyattheceiling,tearsstreamingfromthesidesofhiseyes,downhis
cheekbonestohisneck.

Iscootoverandsitnexttohim,justhowwesatafewweeksagoinmykitchenwhenIfirsttold

himwhathappened.Ileanmyheadonhisshoulderandwrapmyarmsaroundhismuscularright
bicep,tryingtothinkofwordsthatcancomforthim.

“IpromiseyouthatI’veneverwantedtohurtmyselfagain.Ijusthadonemomentofweakness

whereIcouldn’tseeanyflickerofhope.Butmylifeissodifferentnow,andyou’reabigpartofthat.
Yoursupportandencouragementandlove.Ithelpsmakemefeelstrong.”

Heletsoutalongexhaleandthenleanshisheaddown,placingakissintomyhair.

“We’reamess,kid.”

Ilaughalittle,wipingawaythelastofmytears.

“Butwe’regonnabeokay,”Ireply.

Andwhenwebothliftourheadsandlookateachother,Iknowwebothbelieveit’strue.

*****

Thethreeofusslowlymakeourwaytotheparkinglotoutsideofthearena.ItoldMackthat

beforeIgetonthebusbacktothehotelwiththeteam,Iwantedtoseemydad.Jeremysaiditwasa
badidea,butrelentedwhenItoldhimIneededtosaysomethingtohimthatwasimportant.

MackhasstayedmostlyquietinthemomentssinceJeremy’sbreakdowninthetunnel,butIcan

tellhe’sbrimmingwithquestions.AsJeremywalksaheadofus,Ihangbackjustafewfeetandletmy

fingersbrushagainstMack’spalm.

“We’lltalk,”Isayquietly.“Don’tworry.”

Helooksrelieved,andopenshismouthtosaysomethingwhenhe’sinterruptedbyanirate

Jeremy.

“Wherethefuckismycar?”Jeremyshouts.

Myheadwhipstotheleft,thenIletmyeyesroamoverthefewdozencarsstillparkedandthe

familiesandspectatorswalkingthroughthelottowardstheirownvehicles.

“Areyousureyouparkedithere?”Iask,walkingawayfromhimtoscanfurtherdowntheline.

AblackSUVisn’tgoingtostickoutlikeasorethumb,notlikemyTrustyRustydoes.

“Yes,Rachel,I’mnotacompleteidiot,”Jeremycallsouttomeashewalksintheotherdirection.

IlaughasIturnawayfromhim,cuttingbetweenafewcarstogotothenextlaneandcontinue

thesearch.

“Yousureaboutthat?”Icallbackevenlouder,ateasinglilttomyvoice.

WhenIemergefrombetweentwovehiclesandstepoutintothenextlane,therearenocars

drivinganywherenearwhereIamwalking.WhichiswhyI’mstartledwhenIhearascreechfrom
behindme.

IturnmyheadjustslightlybutbeforeIcanseeanythingIfeelasharppainonmyrightside.

Ifeelmyfeetliftoffthegroundandwindrushingaroundmybody.

AndthenIdon’tfeelanything.

ChapterNineteen

ThefirstthingIhearisasiren.

It’sreallyfaraway,butgettinglouderbythesecond.

ThenIhearvoices.

Lotsofthem.

Ihearsomeoneshouting.

Thenotherstalkingaroundmeinhushedconversations.

AndthenIhearwhispersrightbymyear,socloseI’msurpriseditwasn’tthefirstthingIheard.

“Youhavetobeokay,”thewhispersays.“Please,pleasebeokay.”

AndthenIfeelsoftlipsonmyforeheadandfingersholdingtighttomine.

Igroanandinstinctivelytrytocurluponmyside.

“Oh,thankgod,”thewhispersaysonanexhale.“RJ.RJit’sMack.Juststaystillformeokay?”

Iopenmyeyesthen,andfindhisbeautifulchocolateonespeeringdownatme.

“Hi,”Isay.

Hesmiles.

“Hiprettygirl,”heresponds,liftingmyhandandkissingmyknuckles,holdingmyhandtohis

chestwhilehereachesoverandplaceshisotherhandonthetopofmyhead.

Ismileback,althoughweakly.

“IthinkI’mokay,”Iwhisper.“Idon’tthinkanything’sbroken.”

Henods,stillsmilingatme.

“Ithinkyou’reright.ButIwantyoutostaystilluntilsomeonewithalotmoreknowledgecan

takealookandtellyouforsure,okay?”

“Okay.”

Westaystaringateachotherasthesirengetslouder.Mackkneelingontheasphaltnexttowhere

I’mlyingonmyback,holdingmyhand,strokinghisthumbalongtheback.Whentheresponders
finallypullintothelot,andtheirlightspassoverhisface,IcanseethatMack’seyesareglistening,
andthereareafewteartracksdownhisface.

Iliftthehandheholdsandplaceitagainsthisface.

“I’mokay,”Iwhisper.

Henodsandturnshisfaceinmyhand,kissingmypalm.

Thenexthourgoesbyfastandslowatthesametime.

Thepolicearrivefirst,andtheyarrestmydadfordrivingwhileintoxicated,alongwithafew

otherthings.Youknow,becausehehitaperson,thencrashedintoaparkedcar,thengotoutofhiscar
andtriedtostumbledowntheroad.

Theparamedicsarrivenextandlookmeover.Theycleanupmyfewcutsanddecideit’sbestfor

metogotothehospitaltogetcheckedout,sinceI’mfeelingadecentamountofpaininmyright
thighandhip.ButtheytellmeIdon’thavetobetransportedbytheambulance,whichisgreatbecause:
expensive.

MackandJeremynearlygetintoafight.Apparently,JeremytoldMackheneededtogobackto

thebusandmakesuretherestoftheteamwasokay.Needlesstosay,Mackwasnotpleased.But
eventually,hekissedmyforeheadwhileIsatinthebackoftheambulance,andsaunteredoffthrough
theparkinglot.

Jeremythenneverleftmyside,hispresencesoothingandirritatingatthesametime.ButIdon’t

letonabouttheirritation.Healreadyfeelsshittyenoughforleavinghiskeysinthecaronaccident.

“Idon’twanttogotothehospital,though,”IsaytoJeremyashehelpsmeintoacab.“I’msure

I’mtotallyfine.”

Hegivesmealookthatmakesmelaughbecausehelookssomuchlikeanexasperatedolder

brother.ButthenIclutchmysideinpainfromjoltingmybodywithlaughter.

“Youjustgothitbyacar.I’mtakingyoutothefuckinghospital.”

Ilaughagainasheclosesthedoorandgoesaroundtoclimbintheotherside.

“Whyiseverythingaboutussodysfunctional?”Iaskhim,onlyslightlyseriously,onceweare

enroute.

Heshrugs.

“Whowantsaboringlife,Rach?”

“Me,Jeremy.Iwantaboringlife.”

Hesmilesandreachesovertosqueezemyhand,thenturnshisheadtostareoutthewindow.

“Youknowthiswasn’tyourfaulteither,right?”

Henodstooquickly,andIknowinstinctivelyhe’sgoingtotuckthisawaywithadozenother

thingsthathebelieveshe’sdonetowrongmeorotherpeopleheloves.

“Jeremy…”

“LetitgoRachel,”hesays,softlybutfirmly,cuttingmeoff.Helooksoverandgivesmeasmall,

insinceresmileandsqueezesmyhandagain.

Iturnandlookoutmyownwindow,wishingdesperatelythatmysweetbrothercould

instinctivelyknowthatIdon’tblamehim.I’veseenthefireofself-hatredcontinuingtocatchand
growinsideofhimoverthepastweeks.

AndIdon’tthinkmywordsareenoughtoputthatfireout.

*****

WhenJeremyandIpullupinfrontofthehotelfourhourslater,Ibarelyhavemydooropen

beforeMackisthere,reachingtosupportmeasIclimboutofthebackseat.

“I’vebeentryingtogetaholdofyoubothforhours,”hesays,hisvoicefilledwithemotionsthat

I’mtootiredtocatalogue.

“MyphoneisstillintheSUV,”Jeremyoffersupashecirclesthebackofthecab.“Rachel’s

brokeintheaccident.”

Jeremystepstowardsme,likelytohelpmetomyroom.ButMackstepsforwardandputshis

armaroundme,usinghisotherhandtotakemineandassistme.

“I’vegother,”Macksays,staringatJeremy,whosuddenlylooksslightlyunsure.

Afterwaytoolongofasilence,Jeremynodsandstepsback,hisfacelookingslightlyoffended

butresignedatthesametime.

“I’llcallyouonyourhotelphoneinthemorningaround9am,okay?”

“Soundsgood,”Ireply.“Loveyou,Jer.”

Hegivesmeasmallsmile,thenhopsintothecabandheadsoff,likelytopickhiscarupfrom

thearenaparkinglot.Weweren’tsureaboutthedamage,butIdon’tthinkitwastoobad.

“Let’sgetyouinside,”Macksays,leadingmeintothesmalllobby.

Iwalkslowly,wincingwiththepain.Iwasincrediblyluckynottohavefracturedorbroken

something,butIstillhavetodealwithstrainedligamentsinmyhipandleg,bruisingallovertheright
sideofmybody,generalsorenessandtheasphaltscrapesonthesideofmyfaceandarmswhereIhit
thegroundwhenIcrashedbacktotheground.

TellingthedoctorthatIdidn’twanttotakeanypillsissomethingI’malreadystartingtoregret.

“Doyouwantmetowalkyoutoyourroomor…”butbeforefinishing,hetrailsoff.

“…Or?”Iask.

HeclearshisthroatandbeingsoclosetohimIseehisadamsapplebobwhenheswallows.

“…Ordoyouwanttostayinmyroom?”

Hisquestionisaskedveryquietly,almostlikehe’sembarrassedtoaskitorisafraidtheempty

spacearounduswillhearhim.WhenIstopwalkingforward,mostlyinsurprise,he’squickto
explain.

“Ijustwanttomakesureyou’reokay,Iswear.Afterwatchingyouflyintotheairandnotbeing

abletogowithyoutothehospital,Ijust…”hebreathesdeeplyandletsoutaharshexhale,“Ijustwant
toholdyouclosetometonight.Toknowyou’rereallyokaywhenyoucouldeasilyhavebeen
seriouslyhurt.”

MyheartspeedsupslightlyandIfeelbloodrushtomyneckatthethoughtofspendingthenight

inMack’sroom.ButIknowinstinctivelynothingisgoingtohappenthat’stoomuchforme.Andthe
thoughtofgettingtosnuggleupnexttohimandlookintohiseyesbeforefallingasleep?

Whatgirlcouldresist?

“I’llstayinyourroom,”Isayjustasquietly.

Oureyesstaylockedoneachotherforseveralbeatsbeforewefinallybeginmakingourway

towardstheelevatorsthatwilltakeustoMack’sroom.

Mack’shotelroom.

Heswipesusinto806andwalksmeovertositontheedgeofhisbed.

Hiskingsizedbed.

“Doyouwantawaterorsomethingtosnackon?”heasks.

Ishakemyhead.

“Didyoutellthegirlswhathappenedwhenyougottothebus?”

Mackexhalesharshly.

“Aboutthat,”hesays,walkingoverandsittingnexttome.“Ginacametoseemetonight,

bawlinghereyesout,assoonaswegotoffthebus.”

“What?”Iask,myfacescrunchingupinconfusion.

“Trustme.Iwasconfusedtoo,”heresponds,rubbinghishandsoverhisface.“Ittookawhilefor

hertoformsentencesIcouldunderstand,butshesaiditwasherfault.Shecalledyourdadand
pretendedtobesomeonefromtheschoolinvitingparentsforthetournament.Gavehimallofthe
detailsforthegames.”

“Areyouserious?”Iaskinawhisper,shockedstillbythisinformationandunsurehowto

processit.

“Iguessshehadjusthopedhisbeingherewouldmakeyoudecidenottoplay,”hecontinues.

“Shesaidshehadnoideaanythingsohorriblewouldhappenandthatshewasreallysorry.”

Inodonceandsqueezethebridgeofmynoseinfrustration,tryingtodealwiththisnewsalong

withtheslowlyincreasingpaininmybody.

“Youokay?”

Inodagain.

“Idon’twanttothinkaboutGina.I’mjustreallysoreandtiredandwanttogotosleep.CanIuse

yourshower?”

“Sure,”heresponds,standingandwalkingovertothebathroom.

Heflicksonthelightandwandersin.Ihearthewaterrunningandthingsmovingaroundbefore

hereturnsandtakesbothofmyhands,helpingmetostand.

“Takeyourtime.Sootheyourmuscles.I’msurethey’resorefromthegameaswell.”

“ThanksMack,”Isay,beforeslippingintothebathroomandshuttingthedoorbehindme.

Islowlypeeloffmyclothesandleavetheminapileinthecornerbeforecrawlingunderthe

waterandrelishingthehotspraythatinstantlycoversmybody.LikeeveryothertimeItakeashower,
Iplacemyhandsflatonthewallanddirectthewatertohitmyhead,thentrickledownmybody.

I’veoftenstoodinthisexactpositionandcontemplatedanextdecision,practicedsomethingI

wasgoingtosay,ortriedtoreflectonanexperience.Tonightisnodifferent.

Mydadhitmewithacar.Mybrotherisgoingthroughsomethingdeep.I’mprobablygoingto

havetositouttherestofthesoccerseason.AndI’mabouttospendthenightisMack’sroom.

IfI’mtotallyhonest,eventhougheverythingelseinthatlistisimportant,theonlythingIcan

thinkaboutissleepinginMack’sarms.

“RJ?”Ihearfromtheothersideofthecurtain.“Ibroughtyousomethingtowear.I’vesetiton

thesink,okay?”

“Thanks,”Ireply,andthenIhearthedoorsnickshutagain.

Afterspendingabitlongerlettingthewarmthsoothemyachingbody,Iflipoffthewateranddry

off.IgrabtheclothesMackhasleftforme-abluet-shirtandpairofgraysweats-andslowlypull
themon,inhalingthatdeliciousMackscentthatwrapsaroundmybody.

WhenIfinallystepoutofthebathroom,IfindMackstretchedoutonthebedwithhisarms

behindhisheadwiththetelevisionon.Buthiseyesarelockedonme.

Ilimptothedoorandflipthelight,leavingtheroomcastinjustthebluehuefromthescreen.I

walkbacktothebedandcrawlupfromthebottom,allthewhilekeepingmyeyesgluedtoMack’s.

HisarmswraparoundmewhenIgetcloseenough,tuckingmeintohischestandrestinghischin

onmyhead.

“Whatdidthedoctorssayaboutyourinjuries?”heasksquietly,ashishandsbegintomake

soothingcirclesonmybackthatmakemesnuggleevencloser.

“Somestrainedligamentsisthemostofit,apartfromthebruisingandsmallcutsandscrapes.

Buttheligsareprobablygoingtobeenoughformetohavetositouttherestoftheseason.”

“I’msorry,RJ,”hewhispersintomyhair,kissingmyhead.

Ipullmyarmsoutfromwheretheyaretuckedintohisbodyandwrapthemaroundhiswaste.I

slipthemunderhisshirtandpressthemintothesolidmusclesofhisback,kneadingthetensionaway
thatIcanfeelinhisbody.

“It’sokay,”Iwhisperback.“I’mgoingtobefine.”

Hepullsawayjustslightlysohecanlookdownatmyface,intomyeyes.

“WhenIheardit,whenIheardthecarhityouandyourbodyhittingthepavement,Ithoughtyou

weredead.Iknowthecarwasn’tgoingthatfast,soitmakesmefeellikeanidiottosayoutloud.But
thatwasabsolutelythemostterrifyingmomentofmylife.Irantowardsyouanditfeltlikemyfeet
weremeltedintotheground-Icouldn’tgettoyoufastenough.”

Heliftsahandandplacesitonmycheek,slidinghisthumbalongmycheekbone.

“AndthenIsawyoucrumpledonthegroundanditfeltlikemysouldied.InthatinstantwhenI

thoughtImighthavelostyou,IfelteverythingthatIambegintodissolveandfloataway,likemy
bodycouldnolongerbebotheredwithholdingmetogether.AndwhenIrealizedyouweregoingto
beokay,IsawhowclearlyandtrulyanddeeplyIhavefalleninlovewithyou.Youaremy
everything.”

HisfaceissopainedrightnowthatIcan’thelpbutstretchupandpressmylipstohistotryto

sootheawayanyhurtorfearthathefeltearliertonight.Ourmouthspartandhistongueflicksagainst
mine,causingthebutterflieslowinmybellytotakeflight.AllIcanthinkaboutishimandbreathing
himinandtouchinghisbodyandholdinghimclose.

“Iloveyou,”Iwhisper,bringingmyhandsforwardunderhisshirtandlettingmypalmscoast

overthedipsandplanesofthetightmuscleofhisabsandchest.

Heletsoutalightmoanandtwistshislegstogetherwithmine.Ifeelthehardnessofhimpress

againstthesoftnessofmeandIcan’thelpbutundulatemyhipsagainsthiminsearchofsomeformof
relieffromthisfireinsidethathaseruptedoutofnowhere.

“God,RJ,”hewhispersinmyearashishandsslidealongmyhipsandgripatmyass,giving

himmoreleveragetopushagainstme.“Iwantyousomuch.”HerollsmetomybackandIgriphis
shirt,tuggingitoffoverhishead.

Themomenthisshirtisoffhebeginstoslowlypushupmine,kissingupmystomachashegoes.

Andwhenmyshirtstopsjustundermybreasts,hetakeshistimekissingandnippingtheskinonmy
ribs,histongueslickingalongtheundersideofmyrightbreastbeforegoingtotheleftandrepeating
themotion.

Hiseyeslockonmineforamoment,givingmetheopportunitytodirect.Igiveaslightnodand

theshirtgetspushedfarther,baringmyhardnipplestothecoolairofthehotelroom.

AndIcan’thelpbutsquirm,lettingoutasharpcryofpleasureandneed,whenhiswarmmouth

closesoverthetipofone,lickingandsucking.

“Lookatyou,”hewhispers.“Sosensitive.”

Hemovestotheotherbudwithhishand,flickinghisthumbbackandforthagainstthetip,over

andover.Andover.

Andthensuddenlyhereachesbetweenusandpullsmyshirtdown,re-coveringmybody.WhenI

lookathisface,Iseehiseyesareclenchedtightly.

“Thisisn’twhatIwantedtohappentonight,”hesaysinavoicelacedwithsexualtension.“I

reallydidjustwanttoholdyouclose.”

“ButIthought…”

“Iaminlovewithyou,RJ.Wecanhavesexsomeday,absolutely,whenyou’reready.Anditis

goingtobefuckingamazing.”

Herollsslightlysohe’slayingnexttomeinsteadofrestingontopofme.

“Buttonightisn’tthenight.Notwhenyouwerehitbyacartoday,andthereareothersoccer

girlsinthehotel,andI’mstillyourcoach.”

Inodandexhaleabreath,suddenlyfrustratedwithmyself.

“I’msorry,”Iwhisper.

Butheshakeshishead.

“Youhavenothingtobesorryabout.Ilovedthat.Everysecond.ButIshouldn’thavedone

anythingotherthankissyouandholdyouandletyoufallasleepinmyarms.Becauseholdingyou
closetomeistheonlythingthesearmshavewantedsincethemomentImetyou.”

Igivehimasmallsmileandsnugglebackintohisarms,kissinghisbarechest.

“Wehavethefutureinfrontofus,RJ.Justrememberthat.Wedon’tneedtorushanythingtoday.”

AfewmomentsofsilencepassbeforeImusterupthecouragetotalktohimaboutsex.Aboutthe

futureandsexandus.

“Iknowwejustdid…that…”Isay,myfaceflushingred,“…butIjustwanttobeclearwithyou

aboutme.”

Henods,hiseyesfocusedonmyface.

“IchosetowaittohavesexwithsomeonewhenIknewitwouldmeansomething.Iappreciated,

somuch,thatyoustoppedthingstonight,becauseyou’retotallyright.Mybodyfuckinghurtsright
now,”Isay,andwebothlaugh.

“ButIdon’twantyoutospendtonsoftimerackingyourbraintryingtomakemyfirsttimesome

perfectcandlesandrosesthingfromamovie.Ialreadyknowit’sgoingtohurtandbekindof
awkward.Andifwespendtoomuchtimethinkingabouthowtomakeitperfect,Ithinkwemightboth
beletdown.”

“Letmejuststopyourightthere,”hesayswithasmirk.“Icanabsolutelypromiseyouthatwhen

I’minsideyou,Iamnotgoingtobeletdown.”

Ilaughandslapmyhandonhischest.

“YouknowwhatImean!”Isaywithanexasperatedsmile.

Henodsandkissesmylips.

“Iknowexactlywhatyoumean,”hewhispers.“Itwillbespecial,andIwilltakecareofyou.But

noflowers,candlesorrotatingbeds.”

“Ohmygod,”Igiggle,unabletocontainmyself.“Indy.You’resoridiculous.”

Hiseyeslightupattheuseofhisnickname,andhetightenshisholdaroundmybody,pullingme

upsomyfacerestsrightnexttohis.

“Cherisewasrightaboutyou,”Isaytohim,stillgigglingslightlyasIrestnosetonosewithhim.

“Whatwassherightabout?”heasks.

“Shesaidyou’reakeeper,”Ireply.

“No,I’masweeper.You’reakeeper.”

“Fine,”Isay,laughingagain.“I’makeeper.Andyou’reasweeper.Youcertainlysweptmeoff

myfeet.”

“Ohmygod,it’stoomuchcheesiness,”hesays,shovinghisfaceintohispillow.

It’sanotherfifteenminutesofridiculouspunsandsillyexpressionsoflovebeforewefinally

turnofftheglowofthetelevisionandcrawlunderthecoverstogether.

AndwhenIrestmyheadonhischestandhearthesteadybeatofhisheart-whenIfeelhisstrong

armswrappedtightlyaroundme-IrealizethatMackhastaughtmeaninvaluablelesson:

Anyloveworthkeepingisworthwaitingfor.

Epilogue

“Youcan’tbeserious,”Isay,rollingmyeyes.“Youdidn’tevengotoIndiana.Whyareyou

rootingfortheirbasketballteam?”

“HaveInotbeenclearbefore?I’mfromtheHoosierstate.I’maHoosierforever.Indiana

basketballistheonlybasketballthatexists,”Mackrepliesfromhisplacenexttomeonmycouch.

We’recompletingourMarchMadnessbrackets.IhaveNorthCarolinatakingitall,andMackhas

hisbelovedHoosierseventhoughtheyhaven’twonsince1987.

SometimesIwonderifI’lleverunderstandhim.ButI’msurehavingablastfiguringitout.

AfterthecrashlastNovember,alotofshitinourliveschanged.Someforthegood,somefor

thebad.Butwe’vetakenitallinstride.

Iwasn’tabletoplaysoccerfortherestoftheseason,buttheAthleticDirectordecidedIcould

keepmyscholarshiptofinishouttheyear,contingentonmyhelpingcoachtheteam.Ithoughtthat
decisionwasallMack,butapparentlyGinawentdirectlytotheAthleticDirector ’sofficetomakesure
heunderstoodthewholesituationwiththeaccident.Iwouldn’tsaysheandIarefriendsoranything,
butherwhole‘I’macactus’routinehasfinallyfallenawayandshe’snotsopricklyanymore.Our
teamdidn’twintheCollegeCup,butwedidcomeinfourth,whichisstillamazing.

MackandIkeptourdistanceasbestaswecouldafterournightinthehotelroom.Ididn’tknow

howweweregoingtomanagetolastuntilMaywithoutreallyspendingtimetogetherortalking.But
MacksolvedallofthatwhenhesteppeddownasthecoachafterourlastgameinDecember.With
Jeremy’shelp,andveryintenselycommunicatedsupport,Mackgotanewpositionastheheadcoach
atOccidentalCollege.IguessMLSplayershavealotmorepullinthesoccerworldthanIrealized.
Onhislastday,wewentonarealdate.HetookmebacktotheAtwaterVillageFunCenterandI
kickedhisass.

Speakingofsex(yes,IknowIaddedthatinthereawkwardly,butbehonest…youwerecurious),

Ifinallyunderstandwhatthebigdealis.ItwasexactlylikeIthoughtitwouldbeformethatfirsttime.
Awkwardandabitpainful.Butthegoodthingabouthandingmyv-cardtosomeonewholovesme?
Wewereabletotalkandlaughthroughitabitandadjust.Itwasstillemotionalandintimateand
special.Andthenafterthefirsttime,wepracticed.Alot.IliketothinkMack’sdiligenceasmycoach
inbedhasbeenareflectionofmywillingnesstobetaught.

CCwasthrilledtohearthatMackandIdecidedto‘getourshittogether,’asshelikestoreferto

thetimedirectlyfollowingtheaccident.Sheisahugefanofhisandlovestocomplimenthislooks
andbody,eventhoughitmakeshischeeksflush.Ilovewatchingthathappenandlaugheverytime.

Mydadwenttojailforalittlebit,andwhenhegotout,Jeremygavehimtwooptions:rehabor

hewouldneverseeorhearfromusagain.DadtoldJeremytofuckoffwithhisworthlessdykeofa
sister.We’veofficiallyblockedhisnumberwithourphonecompany,anddeletedhiscontactfromour
phones.It’sbeenanadjustment,knowingthatI’llnevertalktohimagain,butIfeellikeIammentally
somuchhealthiernow.EvenReginasaysshecanseeahugedifference,andIhaven’thadanymore
anxietyattacks.

ThomasandIdidn’tendupdoingthejointpresentation.Ultimately,ourresearchwasweakandit

feltforced,sowegaveeachotherahighfiveandwentbacktofightinginclass.AndwithPiper ’s
diligence,andsomesupportfromthetutoringcentre,Iwasabletoscrapebyinmypsychologyclass
lastsemester.Barely.Needlesstosay,Iwon’teverbepursuingacareerasapsychologist.

“Youguysarebothidiots,”Jeremysays,returningfromthekitchenwithaboxofcoldpizza.

“It’sgonnabeVillanovaagain.Forsure.”

“I’mcallingMichiganState,”Charliesays.

Thethreeofuslookather,alittlesurprised.

“HowdoyoufigureMichiganState?”Iask.“It’sbeenalongtimesincethey’vebeennotablein

MarchMadness.”

“Theircoachandthestartersontheteamhavebeentogetherforthreeyears.Theyrecruited

reallystronglyoverthepastfewyearsaswell.Twooftheirplayerswereoriginallyrecruitedto
IndianaandNorthCarolinaandthentheytransferred.Ijustthinkthey’repositionedforsuccess.”

I’msurprisednothinghasflownintomymouthwithhowwideit’shangingopen.Charlie,Miss

‘TellMeWhatHappensOnTheBasketballField,’hasjustthrownusallforaloop.

“Wow,”Jeremysays.“Thatwas…areallygreatoverview.”

Inod,butafterhelooksaway,Imouthwhatthefuck?whenIcatchCharlie’seyes.Butshejust

shrugsandlooksbackattheTV.

There’ssomethinggoingonbetweenherandJeremyandshehasn’tbeenveryopenwithme

aboutit.Butinallhonesty,wearestillshipspassinginthenightnowthatshe’sinthelastmonthsof
nursingschool.

“IstillthinkIndianaisgonnatakeitall,”Macksays,sinkingintothelongportionofourL-

shapedcouchandhaulingmeontopofhim.

“Indycantakeitallrightnow,ifhewants,”Iwhisperintohisear.

Hefreezesunderneathme,thenhe’spushingmeoffofhimsohecanstandupandhe’sdragging

metowardsthestairs.

“Whereareyougoing?”Jeremycalls.“Thegame’sabouttostart!”

“We’regonnagoplayourowngame!”Ishoutbackasweraceupthestairstomyroom.

“Don’tbedisgusting!”Jeremyshouts.“Idon’twanttoknowthat!”

IjustlaughandfollowMackdownthehallway.Heopensmybedroomdoorandhaulsmeinside.

“Iloveyou,Indy”IwhisperasIwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckandpullhimclose.

It’struethatI’vebeenalothappieroverthepastfewmonths.Butultimately,that’sbecauseI’ve

takenthetimetolearntolovemyselfandunderstandwhatitissomeonelikeMackseesinme.

Sowhenhelooksmeintheeyeandsays“Iloveyoutoo.Somuch.”Icanbelievehim.

Andthatmeanseverything.

Acknowledgements

First,IwanttothankYOU-thankyouforpurchasingmyveryfirstbook.Asanewauthor,itis
incrediblynerve-wrackingtoputmyworkoutthereandessentiallywaittobejudged.Butultimately,
thankyouforgivingmeashot.Ihopeyoulovedit,andthatyou’llconsiderpostingareviewsomore
peoplecanfindmywork.

Lotsofappreciationtomybeautifulsisterandwonderfulmother,whohavebeenmycheerleaders
sincedayone.WhenIstartedwritingandsentthemthefirstfewchapters,wonderingwhattheywould
think,theyimmediatelycamebacktomeandtoldmetokeepgoing.Withoutyourpush,Imightnot
havecontinued.

Thankyoutoeveryfriendandfamilymemberwhosentmewordsofencouragement,likedmyposts
onFacebook,sharedinformationwithfriends,andonandonandon.Whenanauthorisatthe
beginning,itistheendlesssupportandcareofthepeopleintheirlifethathelpmovethingsforward.I
appreciateyou!

Andlastbutnotleast,areallylargethankyoutomyhusband,whoallowedmetopesterhimwith
endlesssoccer-relatedquestions,eventhoughtherewasn’tthatmuchactualsoccerinthisbook.Yes,
babe,Iknow.You’reArgentineandknowalltheanswers:)

AbouttheAuthor

JillianLiotaisaSouthernCalifornianativecurrentlylivinginAuckland,NewZealand.Shehasa

hilarioushusband(well,atleasthethinksso),athree-leggedpupwithendlessenergy,andtwovery

temperamentalcats.Whensheisn’twriting,sheisworkingatherfull-timejobwithuniversity

students.Ormaybeshe’sreading,eatingTwixanddrinkingDietCoke.Yes,it’sprobablythelastone.

CheckoutJillianonlineandcontactherat:

facebook.com/AuthorJillianLiota

www.jillianliota.com

jillianliota@gmail.com

Document Outline

Text
Copyright
1
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author

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