Time Gypsy

b y E l l e n K l a g e s

F r i d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 0 , 1 9 9 5 . 5 : 0 0 p . m .

A s s o o n a s I w a l k i n t h e d o o r , m y o f f i c e m a t e T e d s t a r t s i n o n m e .
A g a i n . " W h a t d o y o u k n o w a b o u t r a d i a t i o n e q u i l i b r i u m ? " h e a s k s .

"Nothing. Why?"

" T h a t f i g u r e s . " H e h o l d s u p a f a d e d g r e e n v o l u m e . " I j u s t f o u n d t h i s
i n s a n e l y g r e a t a r t i c l e b y C h a n d r a s e k h a r i n t h e

?45

A s t r o p h y s i c a l

Journal . A n d g e t t h i s

?when I go to check it out, the librarian

tells me I ?m the first person to

t a k e i t o f f t h e s h e l f s i n c e 1 9 5 5 .

Can you believe that? Nobody reads anymore." He opens the book again.
" O h , b y t h e w a y , C h a m b e r s w a s h e r e l o o k i n g f o r y o u . "

I d r o p m y a r m l o a d o f b o o k s o n m y d e s k w i t h a t h u d . D r . R a y m o n d
C h a m b e r s i s t h e c h a i r m a n o f t h e P h y s i c s d e p a r t m e n t , a n d a N o b e l P r i z e
w i n n e r , w h i c h e v e n a t B e r k e l e y i s a v e r y , v e r y b i g d e a l . R u m o r h a s i t
he

?s working on some top secret

g o v e r n m e n t p r o j e c t t h a t

?s a

shoe-in for a second trip to Sweden

.

" Y e a h , h e w a n t s t o s e e y o u i n h i s o f f i c e , p r o n t o . H e s a i d s o m e t h i n g
a b o u t S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e . S h e

?s that crackpot from the 50s, right?

The one who died

m y s t e r i o u s l y ? "

I w i n c e . " T h a t

?s her. I did my dissertation on her and her

work." I wish I ?d

b r o u g h t a n o t h e r s w e a t e r . T h i s o n e h a s h o l e s i n

b o t h e l b o w s . I

?d planned a day in

t h e l i b r a r y , n o t a v i s i t w i t h t h e

h e a d o f t h e d e p a r t m e n t .

T e d l o o k s a t m e w i t h h i s m o u t h o p e n . " N o t m a n y c h i c k s c i e n t i s t s t o
c h o o s e f r o m , h u h ? A n d y o u g o t a p o s t - d o c h e r e d o i n g t h a t ? C r a z y
w o r l d . " H e p u t s h i s b o o k d o w n a n d s t r e t c h e s . " G o t t a r u n . I

?m a week

behind in m

y l a b w o r k . R e a l s c i e n c e , y o u k n o w ? "

I d o n

?t even react. It ?s only a month into the term, and he ?s

been on my case

a b o u t o n e t h i n g o r a n o t h e r

?being woman, being a

dyke, being close to 30 ?from day

one. He

?s a jerk, but I ?ve got

other things to worry about.

L i k e D r . C h a m b e r s , a n d w h e t h e r I

?m

about to lose my job because he found out I ?m an expert on a

c r a c k p o t .

S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e h a s b e e n m y h e r o s i n c e I w a s a k i d . M y p o p w a s a n
a r m y t e c h n i c i a n . H e w o r k e d o n r a d a r s y s t e m s , a n d w e t r a v e l e d a l o t

?

six months in

R e y k j a v i k , t h e n t h e n e x t s i x i n F o r t L e e , N e w J e r s e y .

M o m a l w a y s t o l d u s w e w e r e g y p s i e s , a n d t r i e d t o m a k e i t s e e m l i k e a n
a d v e n t u r e . B u t w h e n I w a s e i g h t , m o m a n d m y b r o t h e r J e f f w e r e k i l l e d
i n a b u s a c c i d e n t o n G u a m . A f t e r t h a t i t d i d n

?t

s e e m l i k e a n

adventure any more.

P o p w a s a l o t b e t t e r w i t h r a d a r t h a n h e w a s w i t h l i t t l e g i r l s . H e

couldn

?t

q u i t e f i g u r e m e o u t . I t h i n k I h a d t o o m a n y v a r i a b l e s f o r

h i m . W h e n I w a s t e n , h e b o u g h t m e d r e s s e s a n d d o l l s , a n d c o u l d n

?t

understand why I wanted a stack of

o l d p h y s i c s m a g a z i n e s t h e b a s e

l i b r a r y w a s t h r o w i n g o u t . I l i k e d s c i e n c e . I t w a s a b o u t t h e o n l y t h i n g
t h a t s t a y e d t h e s a m e w h e r e v e r w e m o v e d . I t o l d P o p I w a n t e d t o b e a
s c i e n t i s t w h e n I g r e w u p , b u t h e s a i d s c i e n t i s t s w e r e m e n , a n d I

?d

just

g e t m a r r i e d .

I b e l i e v e d h i m , u n t i l I d i s c o v e r e d S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e i n o n e o f t h o s e
o l d m a g a z i n e s . S h e w a s B r i t i s h , w e n t t o M I T , h a d h e r d o c t o r a t e i n
t h e o r e t i c a l p h y s i c s a t 2 2 . A t B e r k e l e y , s h e p u b l i s h e d t h r e e b r i l l i a n t
a r t i c l e s i n v e r y , v e r y o b s c u r e j o u r n a l s . I n 1 9 5 6 , s h e w a s s c h e d u l e d t o
d e l i v e r a c o n t r o v e r s i a l f o u r t h p a p e r a t a n i n t e r n a t i o n a l p h y s i c s
conference at Stanford. She was the only woman on the program, and she
w a s j u s t 2 8 .

N o o n e k n o w s w h a t w a s i n h e r l a s t p a p e r . T h e n i g h t b e f o r e s h e w a s
s u p p o s e d t o s p e a k , h e r c a r w e n t o u t o f c o n t r o l a n d p l u n g e d o v e r a
c l i f f a t D e v i l

?s Slide?a

r e m o t e s t r e t c h o f c o a s t s o u t h o f S a n

F r a n c i s c o . H e r b o d y w a s w a s h e d o u t t o s e a . T h e a c c i d e n t r a t e d t w o
i n c h e s o n t h e i n s i d e o f t h e p a p e r t h e n e x t d a y

?right

u n d e r a h e a d l i n e

a b o u t s o m e v i c e r a i d

?but made a small uproar in the physics

w o r l d . N o n e o f h e r p a p e r s o r n o t e s w e r e e v e r f o u n d ; h e r l a b h a d b e e n
ransacked. The mystery was never solved.

I w a s f a s c i n a t e d b y t h e m y s t e r y o f h e r t h e w a y o t h e r k i d s w e r e
i n t r i g u e d b y A m e l i a E a r h a r t . E x c e p t n o b o d y

?d ever heard of my hero.

In my imagination, Sara

B a x t e r C l a r k e a n d I w e r e v e r y m u c h a l i k e . I

s p e n t a l o t o f d a y s p r e t e n d i n g I w a s a s c i e n t i s t j u s t l i k e h e r , a n d
e v e n m o r e l o n e l y n i g h t s t a l k i n g t o h e r u n t i l I f e l l a s l e e p .

S o a f t e r a m a s t e r

?s in Phys

i c s , I g o t a P h . D . i n t h e H i s t o r y o f

Science

?studying her. Maybe if my obsession had been a little

more practical, I

wouldn

?t be sitting on a couch outside Dr.

Chambers ?s office, picking imaginary

l i n t o f f m y s w e a t e r , t r y i n g

t o p r e t e n d I

?m not panicking. I

t a u g h t s c i e n c e i n a j u n i o r h i g h f o r

a y e a r . I f I l o s e t h i s f e l l o w s h i p , I s u p p o s e I c o u l d d o t h a t a g a i n . I t

?s a depressing thought

.

The great man

?s secretary finally buzzes me into his office. Dr.

Chambers is

a b a l d i n g , p o u c h y m a n i n a n i m m a c u l a t e , p e r f e c t s u i t .

H i s o f f i c e s m e l l s l i k e l e m o n f u r n i t u r e p o l i s h a n d p i p e t o b a c c o . I t

?s

wood-paneled, plushly carpeted,

with about an acre of mahogany

d e s k . A c o p y o f m y d i s s e r t a t i o n s i t s o n o n e c o r n e r .

" D r . M c C u l l o u g h . " H e w a v e s m e t o a c h a i r . " Y o u s e e m t o b e q u i t e a n
e x p e r t o n S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e . "

" S h e w a s a b r i l l i a n t w o m a n , " I s a y n e r v o u s l y , a n d h o p e t h a t

?s the

right

d i r e c t i o n f o r t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n .

" I n d e e d . W h a t d o y o u m a k e o f h e r l a s t p a p e r , t h e o n e s h e n e v e r
p r e s e n t e d ? " H e p i c k s u p m y w o r k a n d t u r n s t o a p a g e m a r k e d w i t h a p a l e
g r e e n P o s t - I t . "

?An

A r g u m e n t f o r a P r a c t i c a l T e m p o k i n e t i c s ?

?" He

lights his pipe and looks at me

through the smoke.

" I

?d certainly love to read it," I say, taking a gamble. I ?d

give anything

f o r a c o p y o f t h a t p a p e r . I w a i t f o r t h e i n e v i t a b l e

l e c t u r e a b o u t w a s t i n g m y a c a d e m i c c a r e e r s t u d y i n g a l o n g - d e a d
c r a c k p o t .

" Y o u w o u l d ? D o y o u a c t u a l l y b e l i e v e C l a r k e h a d d i s c o v e r e d a m e t h o d f o r
t i m e t r a v e l ? " h e a s k s . " T i m e t r a v e l , D r . M c C u l l o u g h ? "

I t a k e a b i g g e r g a m b l e . " Y e s , I d o . "

T h e n D r . C h a m b e r s s u r p r i s e s m e . " S o d o I . I

?m certain of it. I was

working

w i t h h e r a s s i s t a n t , J i m K e n n e d y . H e r e t i r e d a f e w m o n t h s

a f t e r t h e a c c i d e n t . I t

?s taken me forty years to rediscover what

was tragically lost back then.

"

I s t a r e a t h i m i n d i s b e l i e f . " Y o u

?ve perfect

e d t i m e t r a v e l ? "

H e s h a k e s h i s h e a d . " N o t p e r f e c t e d . B u t I a s s u r e y o u , t e m p o k i n e t i c s i s
a r e a l i t y . "

Suddenly my knees won

?t quite hold me. I sit down in the padded

leather chair

n e x t t o h i s d e s k a n d s t a r e a t h i m . " Y o u

?ve actually

done it?

"

He nods. "There

?s been a great deal of research on tempokinetics

in the last

4 0 y e a r s . V e r y h u s h - h u s h , o f c o u r s e . A l o t o f g o v e r n m e n t

m o n e y . B u t r e c e n t l y , s e v e r a l k e y d i s c o v e r i e s i n h i g h - i n t e n s i t y
g r a v i t a t i o n a l f i e l d t h e o r y h a v e m a d e i t p o s s i b l e t o f o r u s t o f i n a l l y
c o n s t r u c t a w o r k i n g t e m p o k i n e t i c c h a m b e r . "

I

?m having a hard time taking this all in. "Why did you want to

see

me? " I a s k .

H e l e a n s a g a i n s t t h e c o r n e r o f h i s d e s k . " W e n e e d s o m e o n e t o t a l k t o
D r . C l a r k e . "

"You mean she

?s alive?" My heart skips

s e v e r a l b e a t s .

He shakes his head. "No."

"Then

??"

" D r . M c C u l l o u g h , I a p p r o v e d y o u r a p p l i c a t i o n t o t h i s u n i v e r s i t y
because you know more about Sara Clarke and her work than anyone else
we

?ve found. I ?m

o f f e r i n g y o u a o n c e i n a l i f e t i m e o p p o r t u n i t y . " H e

c l e a r s h i s t h r o a t . " I

?m

o f f e r i n g t o s e n d y o u b a c k i n t i m e t o a t t e n d

t h e 1 9 5 6 I n t e r n a t i o n a l C o n f e r e n c e f o r E x p e r i m e n t a l P h y s i c s . I n e e d a
c o p y o f C l a r k e

?s last paper.

"

I j u s t s t a r e a t h i m . T h i s f e e l s l i k e s s o m e s o r t o f t e s t , b u t I h a v e n o
i d e a w h a t t h e r i g h t r e s p o n s e i s . " W h y ? " I a s k f i n a l l y .

" B e c a u s e o u r a p p a r a t u s w o r k s , b u t i t

?s not practical," Dr.

Chambers says,

t a m p i n g h i s p i p e . " T h e e n e r g y r e q u i r e m e n t s f o r t h e

g r a v i t a t i o n a l f i e l d a r e e n o r m o u s . T h e o n l y m a t e r i a l t h a t

?s e

ven

r e m o t e l y f e a s i b l e i s a n i s o t o p e t h e y

?ve

developed up at the Lawrence

l a b , a n d t h e r e

?s only enough of it for one round

t r i p . I b e l i e v e

Clarke

?s missing paper contains the solution to our energy

problem."

A f t e r a l l t h e s e y e a r s , i t

?s confusing to hear someone taking Dr.

Clarke?s

w o r k s e r i o u s l y . I

?m so used to being on the defensive

about her, I don ?t know

h o w t o r e a c t . I s l i p a u t o m a t i c a l l y i n t o

s c i e n t i s t m o d e

?detached and rational.

"Assuming your tempokinetic

c h a m b e r i s o p e r a t i o n a l , h o w d o y o u p r o p o s e t h a t I l o c a t e D r . C l a r k e ? "

H e p i c k s u p a p i e c e o f s t i f f i v o r y p a p e r a n d h a n d s i t t o m e . " T h i s i s
m y i n v i t a t i o n t o t h e o p e n i n g r e c e p t i o n o f t h e c o n f e r e n c e F r i d a y n i g h t ,
a t t h e S t . F r a n c i s H o t e l . U n f o r t u n a t e l y I c o u l d n

?t attend. I was

back east that week.

F a m i l y m a t t e r s . "

I l o o k a t t h e e n g r a v e d p a p e r i n m y h a n d . S o m e w h e r e i n m y f i l e s i s a
x e r o x c o p y o f o n e o f t h e s e i n v i t a t i o n s . I t

?s odd to hold a real

one. "This will get me

i n t o t h e p a r t y . T h e n y o u

?d like me to

introduce myself to Sara Baxter Clarke,

a n d a s k h e r f o r a c o p y o f

her unpublished paper?"

" I n a n u t s h e l l . I c a n g i v e y o u s o m e c a s h t o h e l p , e r , c o n v i n c e h e r i f
n e c e s s a r y . F r a n k l y , I d o n

?t care how you do it. I

want t h a t p a p e r ,

Dr. McCullough."

H e l o o k s a l i t t l e a g i t a t e d n o w , a n d t h e r e

?s a shrill undertone to

his voice.

I s u s p e c t D r . C h a m b e r s i s p l a n n i n g t o t a k e c r e d i t f o r w h a t

?s in the paper, maybe

e v e n h o p i n g f o r t h a t s e c o n d N o b e l . I t h i n k

f o r a m i n u t e . D r . C l a r k e

?s will left

e v e r y t h i n g t o J i m K e n n e d y , h e r

a s s i s t a n t a n d f i a n c é . E v e n i f C h a m b e r s g e t s t h e c r e d i t , m a y b e t h e r e

?s

a way to rewar

d t h e p e o p l e w h o a c t u a l l y d i d t h e w o r k . I m a k e u p a

large, random number.

" I t h i n k $ 3 0 , 0 0 0 s h o u l d d o i t . " I c l u t c h t h e a r m o f t h e c h a i r a n d r u b
my thumb nervously over the smooth polished wood.

D r . C h a m b e r s s t a r t s t o p r o t e s t , t h e n j u s t w a v e s h i s h a n d . " F i n e . F i n e .
W h a t e v e r i t t a k e s . F u n d i n g f o r t h i s p r o j e c t i s n o t a n i s s u e . A s I
s a i d , w e o n l y h a v e e n o u g h o f t h e i s o t o p e t o p o w e r o n e t r i p i n t o t h e
past and back

?yours. If

y o u r e c o v e r t h e p a p e r s u c c e s s f u l l y , w e

?ll be

able to develop the technology for

m a n y , m a n y m o r e e x c u r s i o n s . I f

not

?" he lets his sentence trail off

.

"Other people have t r i e d t h i s ? " I a s k , w a r i l y . I i o c c u r s t o m e I m a y
b e t h e g u i n e a p i g , u s u a l l y a n e x p e n d a b l e i t e m .

He pauses for a long moment. "No. You

?ll be the first. Your

records indicate

y o u h a v e n o f a m i l y , i s t h a t c o r r e c t ? "

I n o d . M y f a t h e r d i e d t w o y e a r s a g o , a n d t h e l o n g e s t r e l a t i o n s h i p I

?

ve ever

h a d o n l y l a s t e d s i x m o n t h s . B u t C h a m b e r s d o e s n

?t strike me

as a liberal. Even if

I w a s s t i l l l i v i n g w i t h N a n c y , I d o u b t i f h e

w o u l d c o u n t h e r a s f a m i l y . " I t

?s a

b i g r i s k . W h a t i f I d e c l i n e ? "

" Y o u r p o s t - d o c a p p l i c a t i o n w i l l b e r e v i e w e d , " h e s h r u g s . " I

?m sure

you?ll be

h a p p y a t s o m e o t h e r u n i v e r s i t y . "

S o i t

?s all or nothing. I try to weigh all the variables, make

a reasoned

d e c i s i o n . B u t I c a n

?t. I

don

?t feel like a scientist

right now. I feel like a

t e n y e a r o l d k i d , b e i n g o f f e r e d t h e o n l y

t h i n g I

?ve ever wanted ?the chance to

m e e t S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e .

" I

?ll do it," I say

.

" E x c e l l e n t . " C h a m b e r s s w i t c h e s g e a r s , a s s u m i n g a b r i s k , b u s i n e s s l i k e
manner. "You

?ll leave a week from today at precisely 6:32 a.m.

You can cannot take

a n y t h i n g

?underwear, clothes, shoes, watch ?

that was manufactured after 1956. My

s e c r e t a r y h a s a l i s t o f

a n t i q u e c l o t h i n g s t o r e s i n t h e a r e a , a n d s o m e f a s h i o n m a g a z i n e s o f t h e
t i m e s . " H e l o o k s a t m y j e a n s w i t h d i s t a s t e . " P l e a s e c h o o s e s o m e t h i n g
a p p r o p r i a t e f o r t h e r e c e p t i o n . C a n y o u d o a n y t h i n g w i t h y o u r h a i r ? "

M y h a i r i s s h o r t . N o t h i n g r a d i c a l , n o t i n B e r k e l e y i n t h e 9 0 s . I t

?s

more like

e a r l y B e a t l e s

?what they called a pixie cut when I

was a

l i t t l e g i r l

?except I was

a l w a y s t o o t a l l a n d g a w k y t o b e a p i x i e . I

r u n m y f i n g e r s s e l f - c o n s c i o u s l y t h r o u g h i t a n d s h a k e m y h e a d .

C h a m b e r s s i g h s a n d c o n t i n u e s . " V e r y w e l l . N o w , s i n c e w e h a v e t o a l l o w
f o r t h e r e t u r n o f C l a r k e

?s manuscript, you must

t a k e s o m e t h i n g o f

equivalent mass

?and

a l s o o f t h a t e r a . I

?ll give you the draft copy

of my own dissertation. You will

b e a l s o b e s u p p l i e d w i t h a d r i v e r

?s license and university faculty card from the

p e r i o d , a l o n g

w i t h p a c k e t s o f v i n t a g e c u r r e n c y . Y o u

?ll re

t u r n w i t h t h e m a n u s c r i p t

a t e x a c t l y 1 1 : 3 7 M o n d a y m o r n i n g . T h e r e w i l l b e n o s e c o n d c h a n c e . D o
you understand?"

I n o d , a l i t t l e a n n o y e d a t h i s p a t r o n i z i n g t o n e o f v o i c e . " I f I m i s s
t h e d e a d l i n e , I

?ll be stuck in the past forever. Dr. Clarke is

the only other

person who could possibly send me home, and she won

?t

be around on Monday morning.

Unless

??" I let the question hang

in the air

.

" A b s o l u t e l y n o t . T h e r e i s o n e i m m u t a b l e l a w o f t e m p o k i n e t i c s , D r .
M c C u l l o u g h . Y o u c a n n o t c h a n g e t h e p a s t . I t r u s t y o u

?ll remem

ber

t h a t ? " h e s a y s , s t a n d i n g .

O u r m e e t i n g i s o v e r . I l e a v e h i s o f f i c e w i t h t h e b i g g e s t n e w s o f m y
l i f e . I w i s h I h a d s o m e o n e t o c a l l a n d s h a r e i t w i t h . I

?d settle for

someone to help me

s h o p f o r c l o t h e s .

F r i d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 7 , 1 9 9 5 . 6 : 2 0 a . m .

T h e s u p p l y c l o s e t o n t h e g r o u n d f l o o r o f L e C o n t e H a l l i s n a r r o w a n d
d i m l y l i t , f i l l e d w i t h b o x e s o f r u b b e r g l o v e s , l a b c o a t s , s h o p t o w e l s .
U n l i k e m a n y p l a c e s o n c a m p u s , t h e P h y s i c s b u i l d i n g h a s n

?t been

remodeled in the last forty

y e a r s . T h i s h a s a l w a y s b e e n a c l o s e t ,

a n d i t i s n

?t likely to be occupied at 6:30

o n a n y F r i d a y m o r n i n g .

I s i t o n t h e c o n c r e t e f l o o r , m y b a c k a g a i n s t a w a l l , d r e s s e d i n a n
a p p r o p r i a t e p e r i o d c o s t u m e . I t h i n k I s h o u l d f e e l n e r v o u s , b u t I f e e l
o d d l y d e t a c h e d . I s i p f r o m a c u p o f l u k e w a r m 7 - 1 1 c o f f e e a n d o b s e r v e .
I d o n

?t have any

r o l e i n t h i s p a r t o f t h e e x p e r i m e n t

?I?m just the

guinea pig. Dr. Chambers ?s

a s s i s t a n t s s t e p c a r e f u l l y o v e r m y

o u t s t r e t c h e d l e g s a n d m a k e t h e f i n a l a d j u s t m e n t s t o t h e b a t t e r y o f
apparatus that surrounds me.

A t e x a c t l y 6 : 2 8 b y m y a n t i q u e T i m e x , D r . C h a m b e r s h i m s e l f a p p e a r s i n
t h e d o o r w a y . H e s h o w s m e a t h i c k p a c k e t o f w o r n b i l l s a n d t h e b u l k y ,
r u b b e r - b a n d e d t y p e s c r i p t o f h i s d i s s e r t a t i o n , t h e n s l i p s b o t h o f t h e m
i n t o a b a t t e r e d l e a t h e r b r i e f c a s e . H e p l a c e s t h e c a s e o n m y l a p a n d

e x t e n d s h i s h a n d . B u t w h e n I r e a c h u p t o s h a k e i t , h e f r o w n s a n d t a k e s
t h e 7 - l l c u p .

" G o o d l u c k , D r . M c C u l l o u g h , " h e s a y s f o r m a l l y . N o t h i n g m o r e . W h a t m o r e
w o u l d h e s a y t o a g u i n e a p i g ? H e l o o k s a t h i s w a t c h , t h e n h a n d s t h e
c u p t o a y o u n g m a n i n a b l a c k t - s h i r t , w h o t y p e s i n o n e l a s t l i n e o f
c o d e , t u r n s o f f t h e l i g h t , a n d c l o s e s t h e d o o r .

I s i t i n t h e d a r k a n d b e g i n t o g e t t h e w i l l i e s . N o o n e h a s e v e r d o n e
t h i s . I d o n

?t know if the cool linoleum under my legs is the

last thing I will ever

f e e l . S w e a t d r i p s d o w n b e t w e e n m y b r e a s t s a s

t h e a p p a r a t u s b e g i n s t o h u m . T h e r e i s a m o m e n t o f i n t e n s e

?sensation.

It?s not sound, or vibration, or anything I

c a n q u a n t i f y . I t

?s

as if all the fingernails in the world are suddenly raked

down

a l l t h e b l a c k b o a r d s , a n d i n t h e s a m e m o m e n t o x y g e n i s t r a n s m u t e d t o
l e a d . I a m p r e s s e d t o t h e f l o o r b y a m o n s t r o u s f o r c e , b u t e v e r y h a i r
o n m y b o d y i s e r e c t . J u s t w h e n I f e e l I c a n

?t stand it any more,

the humming stops

.

M y p u l s e i s r a c i n g , a n d I f e e l d i z z y , a l i t t l e n a u s e o u s . I s i t f o r a
m i n u t e , h a l f - e x p e c t i n g D r . C h a m b e r s t o c o m e i n a n d t e l l m e t h e
e x p e r i m e n t h a s f a i l e d , b u t n o o n e c o m e s . I t r y t o s t a n d

?my right leg

has fallen asleep ?and grope for

t h e l i g h t s w i t c h n e a r t h e d o o r .

I n t h e l i g h t f r o m t h e s i n g l e b u l b , I s e e t h a t t h e a p p a r a t u s i s g o n e ,
b u t t h e g r a y m e t a l s h e l v e s a r e s t a c k e d w i t h t h e s a m e b o x e s o f g l o v e s
a n d s h o p t o w e l s . M y l e g a l l p i n s a n d n e e d l e s , I l e a n a g a i n s t a b r o w n
c a r d b o a r d b o x s t e n c i l e d B a y s i d e L a u n d r y S e r v i c e , S a n F r a n c i s c o 3 ,
C a l i f o r n i a .

I t t a k e s m e a m i n u t e b e f o r e I r e a l i z e w h a t

?s odd. Either those are

very old

t o w e l s , o r I

?m somewhere pre-ZIP code.

I l e t m y s e l f o u t o f t h e c l o s e t , a n d w a l k a w k w a r d l y d o w n t h e e m p t y
h a l l w a y , m y s p e c t a t o r p u m p s e c h o i n g o n t h e l i n o l e u m . I s e a r c h f o r
f u r t h e r c o n f i r m a t i o n . T h e f i r s t r o o m I p e e r i n t o i s a l a b

?high

stools in front of blac

k s l a b t a b l e s w i t h b u n s e n b u r n e r s , g r a y

b o x e s f u l l o f d i a l s a n d s w i t c h e s . A s l i d e r u l e a t e v e r y s t a t i o n .

I

?ve made it.

F r i d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 7 , 1 9 5 6 . 7 : 0 0 a . m .

T h e c a m p u s i s d e s e r t e d o n t h i s d r i z z l y F e b r u a r y d a w n , a s i s T e l e g r a p h
A v e n u e . T h e s t r e e t l i g h t s a r e s t i l l o n

?white lights, not yellow

sodium?and through the

m i s t I c a n s e e f a i n t l i n e s o f r e d a n d g r e e n

n e o n o n s t o r e s d o w n t h e a v e n u e . I f e e l l i k e M a r c o P o l o a s I n a v i g a t e
t h r o u g h a w o r l d t h a t i s b o t h a l i e n a n d f a m i l i a r . T h e b u i l d i n g s a r e t h e
s a m e , b u t t h e s t o r e f r o n t s a n d s i g n s l o o k l i k e s t a g e s e t s o r p h o t o s
from old L i f e magazines.

I t t a k e s m e m o r e t h a n a n h o u r t o w a l k d o w n t o w n . I a m d i s o r i e n t e d b y
e a c h s h o p w i n d o w , e a c h p a s s i n g c a r . I f e e l a s i f I

?m a little drunk,

walking too

a t t e n t i v e l y t h r o u g h t h e l a n d s c a p e , a n d n o t c o n n e c t e d t o

i t . M a y b e i t

?s the

c o l o r s . E v e r y t h i n g l o o k s t o o r e a l . I g r e w u p w i t h

g r a i n y b l a c k - a n d - w h i t e T V r e r u n s a n d 5 0 s t e c h n i c o l o r f i l m s t h a t h a v e
f a d e d o v e r t i m e , a n d i t

?s

d i s c o n c e r t i n g t h a t t h i s w o r l d i s n o t

o v e r l a i d w i t h t h a t p i n k - o r a n g e t i n g e .

T h e w a r m a r o m a s o f c o f f e e a n d b a c o n l u r e m e i n t o a h o l e - i n - t h e - w a l l
c a f e . I o r d e r t h e s p e c i a l

?eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast. The

toast comes dripping

w i t h b u t t e r a n d t h e j e l l y i s i n a g l a s s j a r ,

n o t a l i t t l e p l a s t i c t u b . W h e n t h e b i l l c o m e s i t i s 5 5 ¢ . I l e a v e a
g e n e r o u s d i m e t i p t h e n c a t c h t h e y e l l o w F b u s a n d r i d e d o w n S h a t t u c k
A v e n u e , s t a r i n g a t t h e r o u n d - f e n d e r e d b l a c k C h e v y s a n d o c c a s i o n a l p i n k
S t u d e b a k e r s t h a t f i l l t h e s t r e e t s .

T h e b u s i s f u l l o f m o r n i n g c o m m u t e r s

?men in dark jackets and hats,

women in

d r e s s e s a n d h a t s . I n m y t a i l o r e d s u i t I f i t r i g h t i n . I

?m

surprised that no one

l o o k s 5 0 s

?retro 50s ?the 50s that filtered

down to the 90s. No poodle skirts, no

D A h a i r c u t s . A l l t h e m e n

r e m i n d m e o f m y p o p . A m a n i n a g r a y f e l t h a t h a s t h e Chronicle , a n d I
r e a d o v e r h i s s h o u l d e r . E i s e n h o w e r i s c o n s i d e r i n g a s e c o n d t e r m . T h e
S a n F r a n c i s c o p o l i c e c h i e f p r o m i s e s a c r a c k d o w n o n v i c e . Peanuts t o p s
the comics page and there

?s a Rock

H u d s o n m o v i e p l a y i n g a t t h e C a s t r o

T h e a t r e . N o t h i n g n e w t h e r e .

A s w e c r o s s t h e B a y B r i d g e I

?m amazed at how small San Francisco

looks?the

s k y l i n e i s c a r v e d s t o n e , n o t g l a s s a n d s t e e l t o w e r s . A

g r e e n M u n i s t r e e t c a r t a k e s m e d o w n t h e m i d d l e o f M a r k e t S t r e e t t o
P o w e l l . I c h e c k i n t o t h e S t . F r a n c i s , t h e c i t y

?s finest hotel. My

room costs less than I ?ve paid for a night

i n a M o t e l 6 .

A l l m y w o r l d l y g o o d s f i t o n t h e d e s k t o p

?Chambers ?s manuscript; a

brown

l e a t h e r w a l l e t w i t h a d r i v e r

?s license, a Berkeley faculty

c a r d , a n d t w e n t y - t h r e e d o l l a r s i n s m a l l b i l l s ; t h e i n v i t a t i o n t o t h e
r e c e p t i o n t o n i g h t ; a n d 3 0 , 0 0 0 d o l l a r s i n b a n d e d s t a c k s o f 5 0 - d o l l a r
b i l l s . I p u l l t h r e e b i l l s o f f t h e t o p o f o n e s t a c k a n d p u t t h e r e s t i n
t h e d r a w e r , u n d e r t h e c r e a m - c o l o r e d h o t e l s t a t i o n e r y . I h a v e t o g e t
o u t o f t h i s s u i t a n d t h e s e s h o e s .

Woolworth

?s has a toothbrush and other plastic toiletries, and a

tin "Tom

C o r b e t t , S p a c e C a d e t " a l a r m c l o c k . I f i n d a p a i r o f p l e a t e d

p a n t s , a n O x f o r d c l o t h s h i r t , a n d w o o l s w e a t e r a t t h e C i t y o f P a r i s .
Macy

?s Men?s Shop yields a

p a i r o f " d u n g a r e e s " a n d t w o t - s h i r t s I

c a n s l e e p i n

?69 cents each. A snippy

c l e r k g i v e s m e t h e e y e i n t h e

B o y s d e p a r t m e n t , s o I i n v e n t a n e p h e w , l i t t l e B i l l y , a n d b u y h i m b l a c k
b a s k e t b a l l s n e a k e r s t h a t a r e j u s t m y s i z e .

A f t e r a s h o w e r a n d a c h a n g e o f c l o t h e s , I t r y t o c o l l e c t m y t h o u g h t s ,
b u t I

?m

t o o k e y e d u p t o s i t s t i l l . I n a f e w h o u r s I

?ll actually be

in the same room as

S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e . I c a n

?t distinguish

between fear and excitement, and spend

t h e a f t e r n o o n w a n d e r i n g

a i m l e s s l y a r o u n d t h e c i t y , g a w k i n g l i k e a t o u r i s t .

F r i d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 7 , 1 9 5 6 . 7 : 0 0 p . m .

B a c k i n m y s p e c t a t o r p u m p s a n d m y t a i l o r e d n a v y s u i t , I p r e s e n t m y s e l f
a t t h e d o o r w a y o f t h e r e c e p t i o n b a l l r o o m a n d s u r r e n d e r m y i n v i t a t i o n .
T h e t u x e d o e d y o u n g m a n l o o k s o v e r m y s h o u l d e r , a s i f h e

?s expecting

someone behind me. After

a m o m e n t h e c l e a r s h i s t h r o a t .

"And you

?re Mrs.??" he asks, looking down at his typewritten

list

.

" D r . M c C u l l o u g h , " I s a y c o o l l y , a n d g i v e h i m a n e v e n s t a r e . " M r .

C h a m b e r s i s o u t o f t o w n . H e a s k e d m e t o t a k e h i s p l a c e . "

After a moment

?s hesitation he nods, and writes my name on a

white card,

p i n n i n g i t t o m y l a p e l l i k e a c o r s a g e .

B a l l r o o m A i s a s e a o f g r a y s u i t s , c r e w c u t s , b o w - t i e s a n d h e a v y
b l a c k - r i m m e d g l a s s e s . A l m o s t e v e r y o n e i s m a l e , a s I e x p e c t e d , a n d
a l m o s t e v e r y o n e i s s m o k i n g , w h i c h s u r p r i s e s m e . O v e r i n o n e c o r n e r i s
a k n o t o f w o m e n i n b r i g h t c o c k t a i l d r e s s e s , e a c h w i t h a l a c q u e r e d
f o o t b a l l h e l m e t o f h a i r . B a r b i e

?s cultural

f o r e m o t h e r s .

I a c c e p t a c a n a p é f r o m a p a s s i n g w a i t e r a n d e a s e m y w a y t o t h e c o r n e r .
W h i c h o n e i s D r . C l a r k e ? I s t a n d a f e w f e e t b a c k , s c a n n i n g n a m e t a g s .
M r s . N i e l s B o h r . M r s . R i c h a r d F e y n m a n . M r s . E r n e s t L a w r e n c e . I a m
impressed by the company I

?m

i n , a n d d i s m a y e d t h a t n o n e o f t h e w o m e n

h a s a n a m e o f h e r o w n . I s m i l e a n e m p t y c o c k t a i l p a r t y s m i l e a s I m o v e
a w a y f r o m t h e w i v e s a n d s c a n t h e r o o m . G r a y s u i t s w i t h a s p r i n k l i n g o f
b l u e , b u t a l l m a l e . D i d I a r r i v e t o o e a r l y ?

I a m l o o k i n g f o r a s a f e c o r n e r , o n e w i t h a l a r g e , s h e l t e r i n g p o t t e d
p a l m , w h e n I h e a r a b l u s t e r y m a l e v o i c e s a y , " S o , D r . C l a r k e . T r y i n g
t h e H . G . W e l l s r o u t e , a r e y o u ? W a s t e o f t h e t a x p a y e r

?s money, all

that science fiction stuff,

don

?t you think?

"

A woman

?s voice answers. "Not at all. Perhaps I can change your

mind at

Monday

?s session." I can ?t see her

y e t , b u t h e r v o i c e i s

s m o o t h a n d r i c h , w i t h a b i t o f a l i l t o r a b r o g u e

?one of those vocal

clues that says "I ?m not an

A m e r i c a n . " I s t a n d r o o t e d t o t h e

c a r p e t , s o a w e s t r u c k I

?m unable to move.

" J i m m y , w i l l y o u s e e i f t h e r e

?s more champagne about?" I hear her

ask. I see

a m o t i o n i n t h e s e a o f g r a y a n d a s t o n i s h m y s e l f b y

f l a g g i n g a w a i t e r a n d t a k i n g t w o s l e n d e r f l u t e s f r o m h i s t r a y . I s t e p
f o r w a r d i n t h e d i r e c t i o n o f h e r v o i c e . " H e r e y o u g o , " I s a y , t r y i n g t o
k e e p m y h a n d f r o m s h a k i n g . " I

?ve got an

e x t r a . "

" H o w v e r y r e s o u r c e f u l o f y o u , " s h e l a u g h s . I a m s u r p r i s e d t h a t s h e i s
a f e w i n c h e s s h o r t e r t h a n m e . I

?d forgotten she ?d be about my age.

She takes the glass

a n d o f f e r s m e h e r o t h e r h a n d . " S a r a C l a r k e , " s h e

says.

" C a r o l M c C u l l o u g h . " I t o u c h h e r p a l m . T h e r o o m s e e m s s u d d e n l y b r i g h t
a n d t h e v o i c e s a r o u n d m e f a d e i n t o a m u r m u r . I t h i n k f o r a m o m e n t t h a t
I

?m

d e m a t e r i a l i z i n g b a c k t o 1 9 9 5 , b u t n o t h i n g s o d r a m a t i c h a p p e n s . I

?

m just so

s t u n n e d t h a t I f o r g e t t o b r e a t h e w h i l e I l o o k a t h e r .

S i n c e I w a s t e n y e a r s o l d , n o m a t t e r w h e r e w e l i v e d , I h a v e h a d a
p i c t u r e o f S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e o v e r m y d e s k . I c u t i t o u t o f t h a t o l d
p h y s i c s m a g a z i n e . I t i s g r a i n y , b l a c k a n d w h i t e , t h e o n l y p h o t o o f h e r
I

?ve ever found.

I n i t , s h e

?s

w h o I a l w a y s w a n t e d t o b e

?competent,

serious, every inch a scientist. She wears

a w h i t e l a b c o a t a n d a

p a i r o f r i m l e s s g l a s s e s , h e r h a i r p u l l e d b a c k f r o m h e r f a c e . A b a l d
m a n i n a n i d e n t i c a l l a b c o a t i s s h o w i n g h e r a p i e c e o f e q u i p m e n t .
N e i t h e r o f t h e m i s s m i l i n g .

I k n o w e v e r y i n c h o f t h a t p i c t u r e b y h e a r t . B u t I d i d n

?t know that

her hair

w a s a c o p p e r y r e d , o r t h a t h e r e y e s w e r e s u c h a d e e p , c l e a r

g r e e n . A n d u n t i l t h i s m o m e n t , i t h a d n e v e r o c c u r r e d t o m e t h a t s h e

c o u l d l a u g h .

T h e s l e n d e r b l o n d m a n s t a n d i n g n e x t t o h e r i n t e r r u p t s m y r e v e r i e . " I

?

m Jim

Kennedy, Sara

?s assistant.

"

J i m K e n n e d y . H e r f i a n c é . I f e e l l i k e t h e c h a r a c t e r s i n m y f a v o r i t e
n o v e l a r e a l l c o m i n g t o l i f e , o n e b y o n e .

"You

?re not a wife, are you?" he asks

.

I s h a k e m y h e a d . " P o s t d o c . I

?ve only been at Cal a month.

"

He smiles. "We

?re neighbors, then. What ?s your field?

"

I t a k e a d e e p b r e a t h . " T e m p o k i n e t i c s . I

?m a great admirer of Dr.

Clarke?s

w o r k . " T h e b l u s t e r y m a n s c o w l s a t m e a n d l e a v e s i n s e a r c h o f

o t h e r p r e y .

" R e a l l y ? " D r . C l a r k e t u r n s , r a i s i n g o n e e y e b r o w i n s u r p r i s e . " W e l l
t h e n w e s h o u l d h a v e a c h a t . A r e y o u

??" She stops in mid-sentence

and swears almost

i n a u d i b l y . " D a m n . I t

?s Dr. Wilkins and I must

be pl

easant. He

?s quite a

m u c k e t y - m u c k a t t h e N S F , a n d I n e e d t h e

f u n d i n g . " S h e t a k e s a l o n g s w a l l o w o f c h a m p a g n e , d r a i n i n g t h e c r y s t a l
f l u t e . " J i m m y , w h y d o n

?t you get Dr. McCullough

a n o t h e r d r i n k a n d

s e e i f y o u c a n p e r s u a d e h e r t o j o i n u s f o r s u p p e r . "

I s t a r t t o m a k e a p o l i t e p r o t e s t , b u t J i m m y t a k e s m y e l b o w a n d s t e e r s
m e t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d t o a n u n o c c u p i e d s o f a . H a l f a n h o u r l a t e r w e a r e
d e e p i n a d i s c u s s i o n o f q u a n t u m f i e l d t h e o r y w h e n D r . C l a r k e a p p e a r s
a n d s a y s , " L e t

?s make

a d i s c r e e t e x i t , s h a l l w e ? I

?m famished.

"

L i k e c o n s p i r a t o r s , w e s l i p o u t a s i d e d o o r a n d d o w n a f l i g h t o f
s e r v i c e s t a i r s . T h e P o w e l l S t r e e t c a b l e c a r t a k e s u s o v e r N o b H i l l
i n t o N o r t h B e a c h , t h e I t a l i a n s e c t i o n o f t o w n . W e w a l k u p C o l u m b u s t o
o n e o f m y f a v o r i t e r e s t a u r a n t s

?the New Pisa ?where I discover that

nothing much has changed in forty

y e a r s e x c e p t t h e p r i c e s .

T h e w a i t e r b r i n g s a c a r a f e o f r e d w i n e a n d a t r i o o f s q u a t d r i n k i n g
g l a s s e s a n d w e e a t f a m i l y s t y l e

?bowls of pasta with red sauce and

steaming loaves of

c r u s t y g a r l i c b r e a d . I a m s p e e c h l e s s a s S a r a

B a x t e r C l a r k e t a l k s a b o u t h e r w o r k , b l i t h e l y a n s w e r i n g q u e s t i o n s I
h a v e w a n t e d t o a s k m y w h o l e l i f e . S h e i s b r i l l i a n t , f a s c i n a t i n g . A n d
b e a u t i f u l . M y f o o d d i s a p p e a r s w i t h o u t m e n o t i c i n g a s i n g l e m o u t h f u l .

O v e r c o f f e e a n d s p u m o n i s h e i n s i s t s , f o r t h e t h i r d t i m e , t h a t I c a l l
h e r S a r a , a n d a s k s m e a b o u t m y o w n s t u d i e s . I h a v e t o c a t c h m y s e l f a
f e w t i m e s , b i t i n g b a c k c i t a t i o n s f r o m S t e p h e n H a w k i n g a n d o t h e r w o r k s
that won

?t be

p u b l i s h e d f o r d e c a d e s . I t i s s u c h a n e n g r o s s i n g ,

e x h i l a r a t i n g c o n v e r s a t i o n , I c a n

?t bring myself to shift it to

Chambers ?s agenda. W

e l e a v e w h e n w e n o t i c e t h e r e s t a u r a n t h a s n o

o t h e r c u s t o m e r s .

"How about a nightcap?" she suggests when we reach the sidewalk.

" N o t f o r m e , " J i m m y b e g s o f f . " I

?ve got an 8:30 symposium tomorrow

morning.

But why don

?t you two go on ahead. The Paper Doll is

j u s t a r o u n d t h e c o r n e r . "

S a r a g i v e s h i m a n o d d , c o l d l o o k a n d s h a k e s h e r h e a d . " N o t f u n n y ,
J a m e s , " s h e s a y s a n d g l a n c e s o v e r a t m e . I s h r u g n o n c o m m i t t a l l y . I t

?s

seems they have a

p r i v a t e j o k e I

?m not in on

.

" J u s t a t h o u g h t , " h e s a y s , t h e n k i s s e s h e r o n t h e c h e e k a n d l e a v e s .
S a r a a n d I w a l k d o w n t o V e s u v i o

?s, one of the bars where Kerouac,

Ferlinghetti, and

Ginsberg spawned the Beat Generation. Make that

w i l l s p a w n . I t h i n k w e

?re

a f e w m o n t h s t o o e a r l y .

S a r a o r d e r s a n o t h e r c a r a f e o f r a w r e d w i n e . I f e e l s h y a r o u n d h e r ,
i n t i m i d a t e d , I g u e s s . I

?ve dreamed of meeting her for so long,

and I want her to

l i k e m e . A s w e b e g i n t o t a l k , w e d i s c o v e r h o w

s i m i l a r , a n d l o n e l y , o u r c h i l d h o o d s w e r e . W e w e r e r a i s e d a s o n l y
c h i l d r e n . W e b o t h b e g g e d f o r c h e m i s t r y s e t s w e n e v e r g o t . W e w e r e
e x p e c t e d t o k n o w h o w t o i r o n , n o t k n o w a b o u t i o n s . M i d w a y t h r o u g h h e r
s e c o n d g l a s s o f w i n e , S a r a s i g h s .

" O h , b u g g e r i t a l l . N o t h i n g

?s really changed, you know. It ?s

still just

s n i c k e r s a n d s n u b s . I

?m tired of fighting for a seat

in the old

boys

? club.

Monday

?s paper represents five years of

hard work, and there aren ?t a handful of

p e o p l e a t t h i s e n t i r e

conference who

?ve had the decency to treat me as anything

b u t a

j o k e . " S h e s q u e e z e s h e r n a p k i n i n t o a t i g h t e r a n d t i g h t e r w a d , a n d a
t e a r t r i c k l e s d o w n h e r c h e e k . " H o w d o y o u s t a n d i t , C a r o l ? "

H o w c a n I t e l l h e r ? I

?ve stood it because of you. You ?re my hero.

I?ve always

a s k e d m y s e l f w h a t S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e w o u l d d o , a n d

s t e e l e d m y s e l f t o p u s h t h r o u g h . B u t n o w s h e

?s not a hero. She ?s

real, this

w o m a n a c r o s s t h e t a b l e f r o m m e . T h i s S a r a

?s not the

invincible, ever-practical scientist I always thought

she was.

She

?s as young and as vulnerable as I am.

I w a n t t o e a s e h e r p a i n t h e w a y t h a t s h e , a s m y i m a g i n a r y m e n t o r , h a s
a l w a y s e a s e d m i n e . I r e a c h o v e r a n d p u t m y h a n d o v e r h e r s ; s h e
s t i f f e n s , b u t s h e d o e s n

?t pull away. Her hand is soft under mine,

and I think of touching her

h a i r , g e n t l y b r u s h i n g t h e r e d t e n d r i l s

o f f t h e b a c k o f h e r n e c k , k i s s i n g t h e s a l t y t e a r s o n h e r c h e e k .

Maybe I

?ve always had a

c r u s h o n S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e . B u t I c a n

?t be

falling

i n l o v e w i t h h e r . S h e

?s straight. She ?s 40 years older

than I am. And in the

b a c k o f m y m i n d , t h e c h i l l i n g v o i c e o f

r e a l i t y r e m i n d s m e t h a t s h e

?ll also be

d e a d i n t w o d a y s . I c a n

?t

reconcile that with th

e v i b r a n t w o m a n s i t t i n g i n t h i s s m o k y N o r t h

B e a c h b a r . I d o n

?t want to. I drink two more glasses of wine and

h o p e t h a t w i l l s i l e n c e t h e v o i c e l o n g e n o u g h f o r m e t o e n j o y t h e s e f e w
moments.

W e a r e s t i l l t a l k i n g , o u r f i n g e r t i p s b r u s h i n g o n t h e s c a r r e d w o o d e n
t a b l e t o p , w h e n t h e b a r t e n d e r a n n o u n c e s l a s t c a l l . " O h , b l o o d y h e l l , "
s h e s a y s . " I

?ve been

h a v i n g s u c h a l o v e l y t i m e I

?ve gone and missed

the last ferry. I hope I have

e n o u g h f o r t h e c a b f a r e . M y C h e v y

?s

over in the car park at Berkeley.

"

"That

?s ridiculo

u s , " I h e a r m y s e l f s a y . " I

?ve got a room at the

hotel. Come

b a c k w i t h m e a n d c a t c h t h e f e r r y i n t h e m o r n i n g . " I t

?s

the wine talking. I don ?t

k n o w w h a t I

?ll do if she says yes. I

want her to say yes so much.

" N o , I c o u l d n

?t impose. I ?ll simply ?" she protes

t s , a n d t h e n

s t o p s . " O h , y e s , t h e n . T h a n k y o u . I t

?s very generous."

S o h e r e w e a r e . A t 2 : 0 0 a . m . t h e h o t e l l o b b y i s p l u s h a n d u t t e r l y
e m p t y . W e r i d e u p i n t h e e l e v a t o r i n a s l e e p y s i l e n c e t h a t b e c o m e s
a w k w a r d a s s o o n a s w e a r e a l o n e i n t h e r o o m . I n e r v o u s l y g a t h e r m y n e w
c l o t h e s o f f t h e o n l y b e d a n d g e s t u r e t o h e r t o s i t d o w n . I p u l l a
t - s h i r t o u t o f i t s c r i n k l y c e l l o p h a n e w r a p p e r . " H e r e , " I h a n d i t t o
h e r . " I t

?s not elegant, but it ?ll have to do as a

n i g h t g o w n . "

S h e l o o k s a t t h e t - s h i r t i n h e r l a p , a n d a t t h e d u n g a r e e s a n d b l a c k
s n e a k e r s i n m y a r m s , a n o d d e x p r e s s i o n o n h e r f a c e . T h e n s h e s i g h s , a
d e e p , a c h e y s o u n d i n g s i g h . I t

?s the oddest reaction to a t-shirt I

?ve ever heard

.

" T h e P a p e r D o l l w o u l d h a v e b e e n a l l r i g h t , w o u l d n

?t it?" she asks

softly

.

P u z z l e d , I s t o p c r i n k l i n g t h e o t h e r c e l l o p h a n e w r a p p e r a n d l e a n
a g a i n s t t h e d r e s s e r . " I g u e s s s o . I

?ve never been there." She

looks worried, so I keep

t a l k i n g . " B u t t h e r e a r e a l o t o f p l a c e s I

haven

?t been. I ?m new in

t o w n . J u s t g o t h e r e . D o n

?t know anybody

yet, haven ?t really gotten around. What kind of

p l a c e i s i t ? "

S h e f r e e z e s f o r a m o m e n t , t h e n s a y s , a l m o s t i n a w h i s p e r , " I t

?s a bar

for

women."

" O h , " I n o d . " W e l l , t h a t

?s okay." Why would Jimmy suggest a gay

bar? It?

s a n o d d t h i n g t o t e l l y o u r f i a n c é e . D i d h e g u e s s a b o u t m e

somehow? Or maybe he just thought we

?d be safer there late at

night, since ?

My musings

?and any other rational thoughts ?come to a dead stop

when Sara

B a x t e r C l a r k e s t a n d s u p , c u p s m y f a c e i n b o t h h e r h a n d s a n d

k i s s e s m e g e n t l y o n t h e l i p s . S h e p u l l s a w a y , j u s t a f e w i n c h e s , a n d
l o o k s a t m e .

I c a n

?t believe this is happening. "Aren ?t you?isn?t Jimmy??"

"He

?s my dearest chum, and my partner in the lab. But

romantically? No.

P r o t e c t i v e c a m o u f l a g e . F o r b o t h o f u s , " s h e

a n s w e r s , s t r o k i n g m y f a c e .

I d o n

?t know what to do. Every dream I ?ve ever had is coming

true tonight.

B u t h o w c a n I k i s s h e r ? H o w c a n I b e g i n s o m e t h i n g I

know is doomed? She must see the indecision in my face, because she
l o o k s s c a r e d , a n d s t a r t s t o t a k e a s t e p b a c k w a r d s . A n d I c a n

?t let

her go. Not yet. I put my hand on the back of her

n e c k a n d p u l l

h e r i n t o a s e c o n d , l o n g e r k i s s .

W e m o v e t o t h e b e d a f t e r a f e w m i n u t e s . I f e e l s h y , n o t w a n t i n g t o
make a wrong move. But she kisses my face, my neck, and pulls me down
o n t o h e r . W e b e g i n s l o w l y , c a u t i o u s l y u n d r e s s i n g e a c h o t h e r . I f u m b l e
a t t h e u n f a m i l i a r g a r t e r b e l t s a n d s t o c k i n g s , a n d s h e s m i l e s , u n d o i n g
t h e r u b b e r c l a s p s f o r m e . H e r s l e n d e r b o d y i s p a l e a n d f r e c k l e d , h e r

b r e a s t s s m a l l w i t h d u s t y p i n k n i p p l e s .

H e r f i n g e r s g e n t l y s t r o k e m y a r m s , m y t h i g h s . W h e n I h e s i t a n t l y p u t m y
m o u t h o n h e r b r e a s t , s h e m o a n s , d e e p i n h e r t h r o a t , a n d l a c e s h e r
f i n g e r s t h r o u g h m y h a i r . A f t e r a m i n u t e h e r h a n d s e a s e m y h e a d d o w n
h e r b o d y . T h e h a i r b e t w e e n h e r l e g s i s g i n g e r , t h e e n d s d a r k a n d w e t .
I t a s t e t h e s a l t y m u s k o f h e r w h e n I p a r t h e r l i p s w i t h m y t o n g u e . S h e
m o a n s a g a i n , a l m o s t a g r o w l . W h e n s h e c o m e s i t i s a s i n g l e , f i e r c e
e x p l o s i o n .

W e f i n a l l y f a l l i n t o a n e x h a u s t e d s l e e p , s p o o n e d a r o u n d e a c h o t h e r ,
b o t h t - s h i r t s s t i l l c r u m p l e d o n t h e f l o o r .

S a t u r d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 8 , 1 9 5 6 . 7 : 0 0 a . m .

L i g h t c o m e s t h r o u g h a c r a c k i n t h e c u r t a i n s . I

?m alone in a strange

bed. I?m

s u r e l a s t n i g h t w a s a d r e a m , b u t t h e n I h e a r t h e s h o w e r c o m e

o n i n t h e b a t h r o o m . S a r a e m e r g e s a f e w m i n u t e s l a t e r , t o w e l i n g h e r
h a i r . S h e s m i l e s a n d l e a n s o v e r m e

?warm and wet and smelling of

soap

.

" I h a v e t o g o , " s h e w h i s p e r s , a n d k i s s e s m e .

I w a n t t o a s k i f I

?ll see her again, want to pull her down next

to me and

h o l d h e r f o r h o u r s . B u t I j u s t s t r o k e h e r h a i r a n d s a y

n o t h i n g .

S h e s i t s o n t h e e d g e o f t h e b e d . " I

?ve got an eleven o ?clock lab,

and there ?s

a n o t h e r d r e a d f u l c o c k t a i l t h i n g a t S t a n f o r d t h i s

e v e n i n g . I

?d give it a miss,

b u t S h o c k l e y

?s going to be there,

and he?s front runner for the next

N o b e l , s o I h a v e t o m a k e a n

appearance. Meet me after?"

" Y e s , " I s a y , b r e a t h i n g a g a i n . " W h e r e ? "

"Why don

?t you take the train down. I ?ll pick you up at the

Palo Alto station

a t h a l f - p a s t s e v e n a n d w e c a n d r i v e t o t h e c o a s t

f o r d i n n e r . W e a r t h o s e n i c e b l a c k t r o u s e r s . I f i t

?s not too dreary,

we?ll walk on the beach."

S h e p i c k s u p h e r w r i n k l e d s u i t f r o m t h e f l o o r w h e r e i t l a n d e d l a s t
n i g h t , a n d g e t s d r e s s e d . " H a l f p a s t s e v e n , t h e n ? " s h e s a y s , a n d k i s s e s
m y c h e e k . T h e d o o r c l i c k s s h u t a n d s h e

?s gone

.

I l i e t a n g l e d i n t h e s h e e t s , a n d c u r l u p i n t o t h e p i l l o w l i k e a
c o n t e n t e d c a t . I a m a l m o s t a s l e e p a g a i n w h e n a n i m a g e i n t r u d e s

?a

crumpled Chevy on the

r o c k s b e l o w D e v i l

?s Slide. It ?s like a

fragment of a nightmare, not quite real

i n t h e m o r n i n g l i g h t . B u t

which dream is real now?

U n t i l l a s t n i g h t , p a r t o f w h a t h a d m a d e S a r a B a x t e r C l a r k e s o
c o m p e l l i n g w a s h e r e n i g m a t i c d e a t h . L i k e A m e l i a E a r h a r t o r J a m e s D e a n ,
s h e h a d b e e n a b r i l l i a n t s t a r t h a t e n d e d s o a b r u p t l y s h e b e c a m e
l e g e n d a r y . L a r g e r t h a n l i f e . B u t I c a n s t i l l f e e l w h e r e h e r l i p s
brushed my cheek. Now she

?s very much life-size, and

d e s p i t e

Chambers

?s warnings, I will do anything to keep her that way

.

S a t u r d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 8 , 1 9 5 6 . 7 : 2 0 p . m .

T h e p l a t f o r m a t t h e P a l o A l t o t r a i n s t a t i o n i s c o l d a n d w i n d y . I

?m

glad

I

?ve

g o t a s w e a t e r , b u t i t m a k e s m y s u i t j a c k e t u n c o m f o r t a b l y

t i g h t a c r o s s m y s h o u l d e r s . I

?ve finished the newspaper and am

reading the train schedule when

Sara comes up behind me.

" H u l l o t h e r e , " s h e s a y s . S h e

?s wearing a nubby beige dress under

a dark wo

o l c o a t a n d l o o k s q u i t e e l e g a n t .

" H i . " I r e a c h t o g i v e h e r a h u g , b u t s h e s t e p s b a c k .

"Have you gone mad?" she says, scowling. She crosses her arms over her
c h e s t . " W h a t o n e a r t h w e r e y o u t h i n k i n g ? "

" S o r r y . " I

?m not sure what I ?ve done. "It ?s nice to see y

o u , " I

s a y h e s i t a n t l y .

" Y e s , w e l l , m e t o o . B u t y o u c a n

?t just?oh, you know," she says,

waving her

hand.

I d o n

?t, so I shrug. She gives me an annoyed look, then turns

and opens the

c a r d o o r . I s t a n d o n t h e p a v e m e n t f o r a m i n u t e ,

b e w i l d e r e d , t h e n g e t i n .

H e r C h e v y f e e l s h u g e c o m p a r e d t o t h e T o y o t a I d r i v e a t h o m e , a n d t h e r e
a r e n o s e a t b e l t s . W e d r i v e i n u n c o m f o r t a b l e s i l e n c e a l l t h r o u g h P a l o
A l t o a n d o n t o t h e w i n d i n g , t w o - l a n e r o a d t h a t l e a d s t o t h e c o a s t . O u r
second date isn

?t going

w e l l .

A f t e r a b o u t t e n m i n u t e s , I c a n

?t stand it any more. "I ?m sorry

about the hug.

I g u e s s i t

?s still a big deal here, huh?

"

S h e t u r n s h e r h e a d s l i g h t l y , s t i l l k e e p i n g h e r e y e s o n t h e r o a d .
" H e r e ? " s h e a s k s . " W h a t u t o p i a a r e y o u f r o m , t h e n ? "

I s p e n t t h e d a y w a n d e r i n g t h e c i t y i n a k i n d o f h a z e , a l t e r n a t e l y
g i d d y i n l o v e a n d w o r r y i n g a b o u t t h i s m o m e n t . H o w c a n I t e l l h e r w h e r e

?when?I?m from? And

h o w m u c h s h o u l d I t e l l h e r a b o u t w h y ? I c o u n t t o

t h r e e , a n d t h e n c o u n t a g a i n b e f o r e I a n s w e r . " F r o m t h e f u t u r e . "

" V e r y f u n n y , " s h e s a y s . I c a n h e a r i n h e r v o i c e t h a t s h e

?s hurt. She

stares

s t r a i g h t a h e a d a g a i n .

" S a r a , I

?m serious. Your work on time travel isn ?t just theory.

I?m a

p o s t - d o c a t C a l . I n 1 9 9 5 . T h e h e a d o f t h e p h y s i c s d e p a r t m e n t ,

D r . C h a m b e r s , s e n t m e b a c k h e r e t o t a l k t o y o u . H e s a y s h e w o r k e d w i t h
y o u a n d J i m m y , b a c k b e f o r e h e w o n t h e N o b e l P r i z e . "

She doesn

?t say anything for a minute, then pulls over onto a

wide place at

t h e s i d e o f t h e r o a d . S h e s w i t c h e s o f f t h e e n g i n e a n d

turns towards me.

"Ray Chambers? The Nobel Prize? Jimmmy says he can barely do his own
l a b w o r k . " S h e s h a k e s h e r h e a d , t h e n l i g h t s a c i g a r e t t e , f l i c k i n g t h e
m a t c h o u t t h e w i n d o w i n t o t h e d a r k n e s s . " R a y s e t y o u u p f o r t h i s , d i d n

?t he? To get back at

J i m m y f o r l a s t t e r m

?s grade? Well it ?s a

terrible joke,"

s h e s a y s t u r n i n g a w a y , " a n d y o u a r e o n e o f t h e

c r u e l e s t p e o p l e I h a v e e v e r m e t . "

" S a r a , i t

?s not a joke. Please believe me." I reach across the

seat to take

h e r h a n d , b u t s h e j e r k s i t a w a y .

I t a k e a d e e p b r e a t h , t r y i n g d e p e r a t e l y t o t h i n k o f s o m e t h i n g t h a t
w i l l c o n v i n c e h e r . " L o o k , I k n o w i t s o u n d s c r a z y , b u t h e a r m e o u t . I n
September, Modern Physics i s g o i n g t o p u b l i s h a n a r t i c l e a b o u t y o u a n d
y o u r w o r k . W h e n I w a s t e n y e a r s o l d

?in 1975?I read it sitting on

the back porch of my

f a t h e r

?s quarters at Fort O

r d . T h a t a r t i c l e

i n s p i r e d m e t o g o i n t o s c i e n c e . I r e a d a b o u t y o u , a n d I k n e w w h e n I
g r e w u p I w a n t e d t o t r a v e l t h r o u g h t i m e . "

S h e s t u b s o u t h e r c i g a r e t t e . " G o o n . "

S o I t e l l h e r a l l a b o u t m y a c a d e m i c c a r e e r , a n d m y " a s s i g n m e n t " f r o m
C h a m b e r s . S h e l i s t e n s w i t h o u t i n t e r r u p t i n g m e . I c a n

?t see her

expression in the

d a r k e n e d c a r .

A f t e r I f i n i s h , s h e s a y s n o t h i n g , t h e n s i g h s . " T h i s i s r a t h e r a l o t t o
d i g e s t , y o u k n o w . B u t I c a n

?t very well believe in my work

without giving your

s t o r y s o m e c r e d e n c e , c a n I ? " S h e l i g h t s a n o t h e r

c i g a r e t t e , t h e n a s k s t h e q u e s t i o n I

?ve been dreading. "So if you ?

ve come all this way to offer me an

enormous sum for my paper,

does that mean something happened to it

?or to me?" I

s t i l l c a n

?t see

her face, but her voice is shaking

.

I c a n

?

t d o i t . I c a n

?t tell her. I grope for a convincing lie.

"There was a

f i r e . A l o t o f p a p e r s w e r e l o s t . Y o u r s i s t h e o n e t h e y

w a n t . "

" I

?m not a faculty member at y

our C a l , a m I ? "

" N o . "

S h e t a k e s a l o n g d r a g o n h e r c i g a r e t t e , t h e n a s k s , s o s o f t l y I c a n
b a r e l y h e a r h e r , " A m I

?? She lets her question trail off and is

silent for a minute,

t h e n s i g h s a g a i n . " N o , I w o n

?t ask. I think I

prefer to bumble about like other

m o r t a l s . Y o u

?re a dangerous

woman, Carol McCullough. I ?m afraid you can tell me

too many

t h i n g s I h a v e n o r i g h t t o k n o w . " S h e r e a c h e s f o r t h e i g n i t i o n k e y ,
t h e n s t o p s . " T h e r e i s o n e t h i n g I m u s t k n o w , t h o u g h . W a s l a s t n i g h t a s
c a r e f u l l y p l a n n e d a s e v e r y t h i n g e l s e ? "

" J e s u s , n o . " I r e a c h o v e r a n d t o u c h h e r h a n d . S h e l e t s m e h o l d i t t h i s
t i m e . " N o , I h a d n o i d e a . O t h e r t h a n f i n d i n g y o u a t t h e r e c e p t i o n ,
l a s t n i g h t h a d n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h s c i e n c e . "

T o m y g r e a t r e l i e f , s h e c h u c k l e s . " W e l l , p e r h a p s c h e m i s t r y , d o n

?t you

think?"

S h e g l a n c e s i n t h e r e a r v i e w m i r r o r t h e n p u l l s m e a c r o s s t h e

w i d e f r o n t s e a t a n d i n t o h e r a r m s . W e h o l d e a c h o t h e r i n t h e d a r k n e s s
f o r a l o n g t i m e , a n d k i s s f o r e v e n l o n g e r . H e r l i p s t a s t e f a i n t l y o f
g i n .

W e h a v e a l e i s u r e l y d i n n e r a t a r e s t a u r a n t o v e r l o o k i n g t h e b e a c h i n
H a l f M o o n B a y . F r e s h f i s h a n d a d r y w h i t e w i n e . I h a v e t h e u r g e t o
t e l l h e r a b o u t t h e p i c t u r e , a b o u t h o w i m p o r t a n t s h e

?s been to me.

But as I start to speak, I

r e a l i z e s h e

?s more important to me

now, so I just tell her that. We finish the

m e a l g a z i n g a t e a c h

o t h e r a s i f w e w e r e o r d i n a r y l o v e r s .

O u t s i d e t h e r e s t a u r a n t , t h e s k y i s c l o u d y a n d c o l d , t h e b r e e z e t a n g y
w i t h s a l t a n d k e l p . S a r a p u l l s o f f h e r h i g h h e e l s a n d w e w a l k d o w n a
s a n d y p a t h , h o l d i n g h a n d s i n t h e d a r k n e s s . W i t h i n m i n u t e s w e a r e b o t h
f r e e z i n g . I p u l l h e r t o m e a n d l e a n d o w n t o k i s s h e r o n t h e d e s e r t e d
beach. "You know what I

?d like,"

I s a y , o v e r t h e r o a r o f t h e s u r f .

"What?" she murmurs into my neck.

" I

?d like to take you dancing.

"

She shakes her head. "We can

?t. Not here. Not now. It ?s against

the law, you

know. Or perhaps you don

?t. But it is, I ?m afraid.

A n d t h e p o l i c e h a v e b e e n o n a r a m p a g e i n t h e c i t y l a t e l y . O n e b a r l o s t
i t s l i c e n s e j u s t b e c a u s e t w o m e n w e r e h o l d i n g h a n d s . T h e y a r r e s t e d
b o t h a s s e x u a l v a g r a n t s a n d f o r b e i n g

?oh, what was

t h e p h r a s e

?lewd

and dissolute persons.

"

"Sexual vagrants? That

?s ou

t r a g e o u s ! "

" E x a c t l y w h a t t h e n e w s p a p e r s s a i d . A n o u t r a g e t o p u b l i c d e c e n c y . J i m m y
k n e w o n e o f t h e p o o r c h a p s . H e w a s i n E n g i n e e r i n g a t S t a n f o r d , b u t
a f t e r h i s n a m e a n d a d d r e s s w e r e p u b l i s h e d i n t h e p a p e r , h e l o s t h i s
j o b . D o e s t h a t s t i l l g o o n w h e r e y o u

?r

e from?"

" I d o n

?t think so. Maybe in some places. I don ?t really know. I

?m afraid I

don

?t pay any attention to politics. I ?ve never

needed to.

"

S a r a s i g h s . " W h a t a w o n d e r f u l l u x u r y t h a t m u s t b e , n o t h a v i n g t o b e s o
c a r e f u l a l l t h e t i m e . "

" I g u e s s s o . " I f e e l a l i t t l e g u i l t y t h a t i t

?s not something I

worry about.

B u t I w a s f o u r y e a r s o l d w h e n S t o n e w a l l h a p p e n e d . B y

t h e t i m e I c a m e o u t , i n c o l l e g e , b e i n g g a y w a s m o r e o f a l i f e s t y l e
t h a n a p e r v e r s i o n . A t l e a s t i n S a n F r a n c i s c o .

" I t

?s sure a

l o t m o r e p u b l i c , " I s a y a f t e r a m i n u t e . " L a s t y e a r t h e r e

w e r e a q u a r t e r o f a m i l l i o n p e o p l e a t t h e G a y P r i d e p a r a d e . D a n c i n g
d o w n M a r k e t S t r e e t a n d c a r r y i n g s i g n s a b o u t h o w g r e a t i t i s t o b e
q u e e r . "

"You

?re pulling my leg now. Aren ?t you?" When I shake my

head

s h e s m i l e s . " W e l l , I

?m glad. I ?m glad that this witch hunt ends.

And in a few months, when I

get my equipment up and running,

p e r h a p s I s h a l l t r a v e l t o d a n c e a t y o u r p a r a d e . B u t f o r t o n i g h t , w h y
don

?t we just go to my house? At least I ?ve got a new

h i - f i . "

S o w e h e a d b a c k u p t h e c o a s t . O n e a d v a n t a g e t o t h e s e o l d c a r s , t h e
f r o n t s e a t i s a s b i g a s a c o u c h ; w e d r i v e u p H i g h w a y 1 s i t t i n g n e x t t o
e a c h o t h e r , m y a r m r e s t i n g o n h e r t h i g h . T h e o c e a n i s a f l a t , b l a c k
v o i d o n o u r l e f t , u n t i l t h e r o a d b e g i n s t o c l i m b a n d t h e w a t e r
d i s a p p e a r s b e h i n d j a g g e d c l i f f s . O n t h e d r i v e r

?s side the road

drops off steeply as we approach Devil ?s Slide

.

I f e e l l i k e I

?m coming to the scary part of a movie I ?ve seen

before. I ?m

a f r a i d I k n o w w h a t h a p p e n s n e x t . M y r i g h t h a n d g r i p s t h e

u p h o l s t e r y a n d I b r a c e m y s e l f f o r t h e o n c o m i n g c a r o r t h e l o o s e p a t c h
o f g r a v e l o r w h a t e v e r i t i s t h a t w i l l s e n d u s s k i d d i n g o f f t h e r o a d

a n d o n t o t h e r o c k s .

B u t n o t h i n g h a p p e n s . S a r a h u m s a s s h e d r i v e s , a n d I r e a l i z e t h a t
a l t h o u g h t h i s i s t h e s p o t I d r e a d , i t m e a n s n o t h i n g t o h e r . A t l e a s t
n o t t o n i g h t .

A s t h e r o a d l e v e l s o u t a g a i n , i t i s d e s o l a t e , w i t h f e w s i g n s o f
c i v i l i z a t i o n . J u s t b e y o n d a s i g n t h a t s a y s " S h a r p P a r k " i s a t r a i l e r
c a m p w i t h a s t r i n g o f b a r e l i g h t b u l b s o u t l i n i n g i t s p e r i m e t e r . A c r o s s
t h e r o a d i s a s e e d y l o o k i n g r o a d h o u s e w i t h a n e o n s i g n t h a t b l i n k s
"Hazel

?s." The parking lot is jammed with

c a r s . S a t u r d a y n i g h t i n

t h e m i d d l e o f n o w h e r e .

We drive another hundred yards when Sara suddenly snaps her fingers
a n d d o e s a U - t u r n .

Please don

?t

g o b a c k t o t h e c l i f f s , I b e g s i l e n t l y . " W h a t

?s up?" I

ask out

l o u d .

"Hazel

?s. Jimmy was telling me about it last week. It ?s become

a rather gay

c l u b , a n d s i n c e i t

?s over the county line, out here

in the boondocks, he says

a n y t h i n g g o e s . I n c l u d i n g d a n c i n g .

B e s i d e s , I t h o u g h t I s p o t t e d h i s c a r . "

" A r e y o u s u r e ? "

" N o , b u t t h e r e a r e n

?t that many ?39 Packards still on the road.

If it isn ?t,

we

?ll just continue on." She pulls into the

parking lot and finds a space at the

b a c k , b e t w e e n t h e t r a s h c a n s

and the ocean.

Hazel

?s is a noisy, smoky place ?a small, single room with a bar

along one

s i d e

?jammed wall-to-wall with people. Hundreds of

them, mostly men, but more

t h a n a f e w w o m e n . W h e n I l o o k c l o s e r , I

r e a l i z e t h a t s o m e o f t h e " m e n " a r e a c t u a l l y w o m e n w i t h s l i c k e d - b a c k
h a i r , t i e s , a n d s p o r t c o a t s .

W e m a n a g e t o g e t t w o b e e r s , a n d f i n d J i m m y o n t h e e d g e o f t h e d a n c e
f l o o r

?a

m i n u s c u l e s q u a r e o f l i n o l e u m , n o t m o r e t h a n 1 0 x 1 0 , w h e r e

d o z e n s o f p e o p l e a r e d a n c i n g t o B i l l H a l e y & t h e C o m e t s b l a s t i n g f r o m
the jukebox. Jimmy

?s in a

t w e e d j a c k e t a n d c h i n o s , h i s a r m a r o u n d t h e

w a i s t o f a y o u n g L a t i n o m a n i n a t i g h t w h i t e t - s h i r t a n d e v e n t i g h t e r
blue jeans. We elbow our way through to them and Sara gives Jimmy a
k i s s o n t h e c h e e k . " H u l l o , l o v e , " s h e s a y s .

He

?s obviously surpri

sed

?shocked?to see Sara, but when he sees

me behind her,

h e g r i n s . " I t o l d y o u s o . "

"James, you don

?t know the half of it," Sara says, smiling, and

puts her arm

around me.

W e d a n c e f o r a f e w s o n g s i n t h e h o t , c r o w d e d b a r . I t a k e o f f m y
j a c k e t , t h e n m y s w e a t e r , d r a p i n g t h e m o v e r t h e r a i l i n g n e x t t o t h e
b o t t l e s o f b e e r . A f t e r t h e n e x t s o n g I r o l l u p t h e s l e e v e s o f m y
b u t t o n - d o w n s h i r t . W h e n J i m m y o f f e r s t o b u y a n o t h e r r o u n d o f b e e r s , I
l o o k a t m y w a t c h a n d s h a k e m y h e a d . I t

?s midnight,

a n d a s m u c h a s I

w a n t e d t o d a n c e w i t h S a r a , I w a n t t o s l e e p w i t h h e r e v e n m o r e .

" O n e l a s t d a n c e , t h e n l e t

?s go, okay?" I ask, shouting to be

heard over the

n o i s e o f t h e c r o w d a n d t h e j u k e b o x . " I

?m bushed.

"

S h e n o d s . J o h n n y M a t h i s s t a r t s t o s i n g , a n d w e s l o w d a n c e , o u r a r m s
around each other. My eyes are closed and Sara

?s head is resting on

my shoulder when

t h e f i r s t o f t h e c o p s b u r s t s t h r o u g h t h e f r o n t

d o o r .

S u n d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 9 , 1 9 5 6 . 1 2 : 0 5 a . m .

A s m a l l a r m y o f u n i f o r m e d m e n s t o r m s i n t o t h e b a r . E v e r y w h e r e a r o u n d
u s p e o p l e a r e s c r e a m i n g i n p a n i c , a n d I

?m buffeted by the bodies

running in all

d i r e c t i o n s . P e o p l e n e a r t h e b a c k r a c e f o r t h e r e a r

d o o r . A r e d - f a c e d , h e a v y - s e t m a n i n k h a k i , a g o l d s t a r o n h i s c h e s t ,
c l i m b s o n t o t h e b a r . " T h i s i s a r a i d , " h e s h o u t s . H e h a s b r o u g h t
r e p o r t e r s w i t h h i m , a n d f l a s h b u l b s s u d d e n l y i l l u m i n a t e t h e s t u n n e d ,
t e r r i f i e d f a c e s o f p e o p l e w h o h a d b e e n s i p p i n g t h e i r d r i n k s m o m e n t s
b e f o r e .

K h a k i - s h i r t e d d e p u t i e s , n i g h t s t i c k s i n h a n d , b l o c k t h e f r o n t d o o r .
T h e r e a r e s o m a n y u n i f o r m s . A t l e a s t f o r t y m e n

?hig

h w a y p a t r o l ,

s h e r i f f

?s department, and

even some army MPs

?begin to form a

gauntlet leading to the back door, now the

o n l y e x i t .

J i m m y g r a b s m y s h o u l d e r s . " D a n c e w i t h A n t o n i o , " h e s a y s u r g e n t l y . " I

?

ve just

m e t h i m , b u t i t

?s our best chance of getting out of

h e r e .

I

?ll take Sara."

I n o d a n d t h e L a t i n o m a n

?s muscular arms are around my waist. He

smiles shyly

j u s t a s s o m e o n e p u l l s t h e p l u g o n t h e j u k e b o x a n d

J o h n n y M a t h i s s t o p s i n m i d - c r o o n . T h e r o o m i s q u i e t f o r a m o m e n t , t h e n
t h e c o p s b e g i n b a r k i n g o r d e r s . W e s t a n d a g a i n s t t h e r a i l i n g , J i m m y

?s

arm curled protectively around Sara ?s

s h o u l d e r s , A n t o n i o

?s around

mine. Other people have done the same thing, but

t h e r e a r e n o t

enough women, and men who had been dancing now stand apart from each
o t h e r , l o o k i n g s c a r e d .

T h e u n i f o r m s a r e l i n i n g p e o p l e u p , h e r d i n g t h e m l i k e s h e e p t o w a r d t h e
b a c k . W e j o i n t h e l i n e a n d i n c h f o r w a r d . T h e g l a r e o f h e a d l i g h t s
t h r o u g h t h e h a l f - o p e n b a c k d o o r c u t s t h r o u g h t h e s m o k y r o o m l i k e t h e
b e a m f r o m a m o v i e p r o j e c t o r . T h e r e i s a n i c y d r a f t a n d I r e a c h b a c k
f o r m y s w e a t e r , b u t t h e r a i l i n g i s t o o f a r a w a y , a n d t h e c r u s h o f
p e o p l e t o o s o l i d t o m o v e a n y d i r e c t i o n b u t f o r w a r d . J i m m y s e e s m e
s h i v e r i n g a n d d r a p e s h i s s p o r t c o a t o v e r m y s h o u l d e r s .

W e a r e i n l i n e f o r m o r e t h a n a n h o u r , a s t h e c o p s a t t h e b a c k d o o r
check everyone

?s ID. Sara leans against Jimmy ?s chest, squeezing

my hand tightly once

o r t w i c e , w h e n n o o n e

?s looking. I am

scared, shaking, but the uniforms seem to

b e l e t t i n g m o s t p e o p l e

g o . E v e r y f e w s e c o n d s , a c a r s t a r t s u p i n t h e p a r k i n g l o t , a n d I c a n
h e a r t h e c r u n c h o f t i r e s o n g r a v e l a s s o m e o n e l e a v e s H a z e l

?s for

t h e

freedom of the highway.

A s w e g e t c l o s e r t o t h e d o o r , I c a n s e e a l i n e o f b l a c k v a n s p a r k e d
j u s t o u t s i d e , r i n g i n g t h e e x i t . T h e y a r e p a n e l e d w i t h w o o d e n b e n c h e s ,
f i l l e d w i t h t h e m e n w h o a r e n o t g o i n g h o m e , m o s t o f t h e m s i t t i n g w i t h
t h e i r s h o u l d e r s s a g g i n g . O n e v a n h o l d s a f e w w o m e n w i t h c r e w c u t s o r
s l i c k e d - b a c k h a i r , w h o g l a r e d e f i a n t l y i n t o t h e n i g h t .

W e a r e t e n p e o p l e b a c k f r o m t h e d o o r w h e n J i m m y s l i p s a k e y i n t o m y
hand and whispers into my ear. "We

?ll have to take separate cars.

Drive Sara ?s back to

t h e c i t y a n d w e

?ll meet at the lobby bar in

your hotel."

" T h e b a r w i l l b e c l o s e d , " I w h i s p e r b a c k . " T a k e m y k e y a n d m e e t m e i n
t h e r o o m . I

?ll get another

a t t h e d e s k . " H e n o d s a s I h a n d i t t o

him.

T h e c o p a t t h e d o o r l o o k s a t S a r a

?s elegant dress and coat, barely

glances at

h e r o u t s t r e t c h e d I D , a n d w a v e s h e r a n d J i m m y o u t s i d e

w i t h o u t a w o r d . S h e p a u s e s a t t h e d o o r a n d l o o k s b a c k a t m e , b u t a n M P
s h a k e s h i s h e a d a n d p o i n t s t o t h e p a r k i n g l o t . " N o w o r n e v e r , l a d y , "
h e s a y s , a n d S a r a a n d J i m m y d i s a p p e a r i n t o t h e n i g h t .

I

?m alone. Antonio is a total stranger, but his strong arm is

my only support

u n t i l a m a n i n a s u i t p u l l s h i m a w a y . " N i c e t r y ,

s w e e t i e , " t h e m a n s a y s t o h i m . " B u t I

?ve seen you in here before,

dancing with your pansy friends." He turns to

t h e k h a k i - s h i r t e d

deputy and says, "He

?s one of the perverts. Book him." The cop

p u l l s A n t o n i o

?s arm up between his shoulder blades, then cuffs

his hands behind

h i s b a c k . " T i m e f o r a l i t t l e r i d e , p r e t t y b o y , " h e

g r i n s , a n d d r a g s A n t o n i o o u t i n t o o n e o f t h e b l a c k v a n s .

W i t h o u t t h i n k i n g , I t a k e a s t e p t o w a r d s h i s r e t r e a t i n g b a c k . " N o t s o
f a s t , " s a y s a n o t h e r c o p , w i t h a c n e s c a r s a c r o s s b o t h c h e e k s . H e l o o k s
at Jimmy

?s

j a c k e t , a n d d o w n a t m y p a n t s a n d m y b l a c k b a s k e t b a l l s h o e s

w i t h a s n e e r . T h e n h e p u t s h i s h a n d s o n m y b r e a s t s , g r o p i n g m e . " L o o s e
o n e s . N o t a l l t i e d d o w n l i k e t h o s e o t h e r h e - s h e s . I l i k e t h a t . " H e
l e e r s a n d p i n c h e s o n e o f m y n i p p l e s .

I y e l l f o r h e l p , a n d t r y t o p u l l a w a y , b u t h e l a u g h s a n d s h o v e s m e u p
a g a i n s t t h e s t a c k o f b e e r c a s e s t h a t l i n e t h e b a c k h a l l w a y . H e p o k e s
h i s n i g h t s t i c k b e t w e e n m y l e g s . " S o y o u w a n t t o b e a m a n , h u h ,
b u t c h i e ? W e l l j u s t w h a t d o y o u t h i n k y o u

?ve got in there?" He jerks

his nightstick up in

t o m y c r o t c h s o h a r d t e a r s c o m e t o m y e y e s .

I s t a r e a t h i m , i n p a i n , i n d i s b e l i e f . I a m t o o s t u n n e d t o m o v e o r t o
say anything. He cuffs my hands and pushes me out the back door and
i n t o t h e v a n w i t h t h e o t h e r g l a r i n g w o m e n .

S u n d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 9 , 1 9 5 6 . 1 0 : 0 0 a . m .

I p l e a d g u i l t y t o b e i n g a s e x o f f e n d e r , a n d p a y t h e $ 5 0 f i n e . B e i n g
a r r e s t e d c a n

?t ruin

my l i f e . I d o n

?t even exist here.

S a r a a n d J i m m y a r e w a i t i n g o n a w o o d e n b e n c h o u t s i d e t h e h o l d i n g c e l l
o f t h e S a n M a t e o C o u n t y j a i l . " A r e y o u a l l r i g h t , l o v e ? " s h e a s k s .

I s h r u g . " I

?m exhausted. I didn ?t sleep. There were ten of us in

one cell.

The woman next to me

?a stone butch? ?really tough,

Frankie?she had a

pompadour

?two cops took her down the hall ?when

she came back the whole side of

h e r f a c e w a s s w o l l e n , a n d a f t e r

t h a t s h e d i d n

?t say anything to anyone, but I ?m

o k a y , I j u s t

?" I

start to shake. Sara takes one arm and Jimmy takes the other,

a n d t h e y w a l k m e g e n t l y o u t t o t h e p a r k i n g l o t .

T h e t h r e e o f u s s i t i n t h e f r o n t s e a t o f J i m m y

?s car, and as soon

as

w e a r e o u t o f s i g h t o f t h e j a i l , S a r a p u t s h e r a r m s a r o u n d m e a n d

h o l d s m e , b r u s h i n g t h e h a i r o f f m y f o r e h e a d . W h e n J i m m y t a k e s t h e
t u r n o f f t o t h e S a n M a t e o b r i d g e , s h e s a y s , " W e c h e c k e d y o u o u t o f t h e
h o t e l t h i s m o r n i n g . P r e c i o u s l i t t l e t o c h e c k , a c t u a l l y , e x c e p t f o r t h e
b r i e f c a s e . A n y w a y , I t h o u g h t y o u

?d be more

c o m f o r t a b l e a t m y h o u s e .

We need to get you some breakfast and a bed." She kisses me on the
c h e e k . " I

?ve told Jimmy everything, by the way."

I n o d s l e e p i l y , a n d t h e n e x t t h i n g I k n o w w e

?re standi

n g o n t h e f r o n t

s t e p s o f a b r o w n s h i n g l e d c o t t a g e a n d J i m m y

?s pulling away. I don ?t

think I?m hungry,

but Sara makes scrambled eggs and bacon and toast,

a n d I e a t e v e r y s c r a p o f i t . S h e r u n s a h o t b a t h , g r i m a c i n g a t t h e
purpling, thumb-shaped bruises on my upper arms, and gently washes my
h a i r a n d m y b a c k . W h e n s h e t u c k s m e i n t o b e d , p u l l i n g a b l u e q u i l t
a r o u n d m e , a n d c u r l s u p b e s i d e m e , I s t a r t t o c r y . I f e e l s o b a t t e r e d
a n d s o f r a g i l e , a n d I c a n

?t remember the last time someone took

care of

m e t h i s w a y .

S u n d a y , F e b r u a r y 1 9 , 1 9 5 6 . 5 : 0 0 p . m .

I w a k e u p t o t h e s o u n d o f r a i n a n d t h e e n t i c i n g s m e l l o f p o t r o a s t
b a k i n g i n t h e o v e n . S a r a h a s l a i d o u t m y j e a n s a n d a b r o w n s w e a t e r a t
t h e e n d o f t h e b e d . I p u t t h e m o n , t h e n p a d b a r e f o o t i n t o t h e k i t c h e n .
T h e r e a r e c a r d b o a r d b o x e s p i l e d i n o n e c o r n e r , a n d J i m m y a n d S a r a a r e
s i t t i n g a t t h e y e l l o w f o r m i c a t a b l e w i t h c u p s o f t e a , t a l k i n g
i n t e n t l y .

"Oh good, you

?re awake." She stands and gives me a hug. "There ?s

tea in the

p o t . I f y o u t h i n k y o u

?re up to it, Jimmy and I ne

e d t o

t e l l y o u a f e w t h i n g s . "

" I

?m a little sore, but I ?ll be okay. I ?m not crazy about the

50s, though." I

p o u r f r o m t h e h e a v y c e r a m i c p o t . T h e t e a i s s o m e

s o r t o f C h i n e s e b l e n d , f r a g r a n t a n d s m o k y . " W h a t

?s up?

"

" F i r s t a q u e s t i o n . I f m y p a p e r i s n

?t entire

l y

?complete ?could there

possibly

b e a n y r e p e r c u s s i o n s f o r y o u ? "

I t h i n k f o r a m i n u t e . " I d o n

?t think so. If anyone knew exactly

what was in

i t , t h e y w o u l d n

?t have sent me.

"

" S p l e n d i d . I n t h a t c a s e , I

?ve come to a decision." She pats the

battered

b r o w n b r i e f c a s e . " I n e x c h a n g e f o r t h e e x t r a o r d i n a r y w a d o f

c a s h i n h e r e , w e s h a l l s e n d b a c k a p e r f e c t l y r e a s o n a b l e s o u n d i n g
p a p e r . W h a t o n l y t h e t h r e e o f u s w i l l k n o w i s t h a t I h a v e l e f t a f e w
t h i n g s o u t . T h i s , f o r e x a m p l e . " S h e p i c k s u p a p e n , s c r i b b l e s a
complex series of numbers and symbols on a piece of paper, and hands
i t t o m e .

I s t u d y i t f o r a m i n u t e . I t

?s very high-level stuff, but I know

enough

p h y s i c s t o g e t t h e g i s t o f i t . " I f t h i s r e a l l y w o r k s , i t

?s

the answer to the

e n e r g y p r o b l e m . I t

?s exactly the piece

Chambers

needs."

" V e r y , v e r y g o o d , " s h e s a y s s m i l i n g . " I t

?s also the part I will

never give

h i m . "

I r a i s e o n e e y e b r o w .

" I r e a d t h e f i r s t f e w c h a p t e r s o f h i s d i s s e r t a t i o n t h i s a f t e r n o o n
w h i l e y o u w e r e s l e e p i n g , " s h e s a y s , t a p p i n g t h e m a n u s c r i p t w i t h h e r
p e n . " I t

?s a bit

u n e v e n , a l t h o u g h p a r t s o f i t a r e q u i t e g o o d .

U n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e g o o d p a r t s w e r e w r i t t e n b y a g r a d u a t e s t u d e n t n a m e d
G i l b e r t Y o u n g . "

I r a i s e t h e o t h e r e y e b r o w . " B u t t h a t p a p e r

?s what Chambers wins the

Nobel

f o r . "

" S o n o f a b i t c h . " J i m m y s l a p s h i s h a n d d o w n o n t o t h e t a b l e . " G i l w a s
w o r k i n g f o r m e w h i l e h e f i n i s h e d t h e l a s t o f h i s d i s s e r t a t i o n . H e w a s
a b r i g h t g u y , o r i g i n a l r e s e a r c h , s o l i d f u t u r e

?but he started having

these headaches. The tumor

w a s i n o p e r a b l e , a n d h e d i e d s i x m o n t h s

ago. Ray said he

?d clean out Gil ?s office

f o r m e . I j u s t f i g u r e d h e

w a s t r y i n g t o g e t b a c k o n m y g o o d s i d e . "

"We can

?t change what Ray does with Gil ?s work. But I won ?t

give him

my w o r k t o s t e a l i n t h e f u t u r e . " S a r a s h o v e s C h a m b e r s

?s

manuscript to the

o t h e r s i d e o f t h e t a b l e . " O r n o w . I

?ve decided

not to present my paper in the

m o r n i n g . "

I f e e l v e r y l i g h t h e a d e d . I know she doesn

?t give her

p a p e r , b u t

?

"Why not?" I ask

.

" W h i l e I w a s r e a d i n g t h e m a n u s c r i p t t h i s a f t e r n o o n , I h e a r d t h a t f a t
s h e r i f f i n t e r v i e w e d o n t h e r a d i o . T h e y a r r e s t e d 9 0 p e o p l e a t H a z e l

?s

l a s t n i g h t , C a r o l , p e o p l e l i k e u s . P e o p l e w h o o n l y w a n t e d t o d a n c e
w i t h e a c h o t h e r . B u t h e k e p t b r a g g i n g a b o u t h o w t h e y c l e a n e d o u t a
n e s t o f p e r v e r t s . A n d I r e a l i z e d

?in a blinding moment of clarity ?

that the university

i s a b r a n c h o f t h e s t a t e , a n d t h e s h e r i f f i s

e n f o r c i n g t h e s t a t e

?s laws. I ?m working for people who

b e l i e v e i t

?

s morally right to abuse you ?or me?or Jimmy. And I can ?t do
that any

m o r e . "

" H e r e , h e r e ! " J i m m y s a y s , s m i l i n g . " T h e o n l y p r o b l e m i s , a s I
e x p l a i n e d t o h e r t h i s m o r n i n g , t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n i s l i k e l y t o t a k e a
v e r y d i m v i e w o f b e i n g e m b a r r a s s e d i n f r o n t o f e v e r y m a j o r p h y s i c i s t
i n t h e c o u n t r y . N o t t o m e n t i o n t h e y f e e l S a r a

?s research is

university property." He looks at me and

t a k e s a s i p o f t e a . " S o

w e d e c i d e d i t m i g h t b e b e s t i f S a r a d i s a p p e a r e d f o r a w h i l e . "

I s t a r e a t b o t h o f t h e m , m y m o u t h o p e n . I h a v e t h a t s a m e o d d f e e l i n g
o f d e j a v u t h a t I d i d i n t h e c a r l a s t n i g h t .

" I

?ve cleaned everything that ?s hers out our office and the

l a b , " J i m m y s a y s . " I t

?s all in the trunk of my car.

"

" A n d t h o s e , " S a r a s a y s , g e s t u r i n g t o t h e b o x e s i n t h e c o r n e r , " a r e
w h a t I v a l u e f r o m m y d e s k a n d m y l i b r a r y h e r e . O t h e r t h a n m y N a n a

?s

teapot

a n d s o m e c l o t h e s , i t

?s all I?ll really need for a while.

Jimmy?s family has a

v a c a t i o n h o m e o u t i n W e s t M a r i n , s o I w o n

?t

have to worry about rent ?or

p r i v a c y . "

I

?m still staring. "What about your career?

"

S a r a p u t s d o w n h e r t e a c u p w i t h a b a n g a n d b e g i n s p a c i n g t h e f l o o r .
" O h , b u g g e r m y c a r e e r . I

?m not giving up my

work, j u s t t h e

u n i v e r s i t y

?and its hypocrisy. If one of my colleagues had a

little fling,

n o t h i n g m u c h w o u l d c o m e o f i t . B u t a s a w o m a n , I

?m

supposed to be some sort of

p a r a g o n o f u n s u l l i e d V i c t o r i a n v i r t u e .

J u s t b y b e i n g i n t h a t b a r l a s t n i g h t , I p u t m y

?career? in jeopardy

. They

?d crucify me if they knew who ?or

what

?I am. I don ?t want

to live that way any more."

S h e b r i n g s t h e t e a p o t t o t h e t a b l e a n d s i t s d o w n , p o u r i n g u s e a c h
a n o t h e r c u p . " E n d o f t i r a d e . B u t t h a t

?s why I had to ask about

your money.

I t

?s enough to live on

f o r a g o o d l o n g w h i l e , a n d t o

b u y a l l t h e e q u i p m e n t I n e e d . I n a f e w m o n t h s , w i t h a d e c e n t l a b , I
s h o u l d b e t h i s c l o s e , " s h e s a y s , h o l d i n g h e r t h u m b a n d f o r e f i n g e r
t o g e t h e r , " t o t i m e t r a v e l i n p r a c t i c e a s w e l l a s i n t h e o r y . A n d t h a t
d i s c o v e r y w i l l b e m i n e

?ours. Not the university ?s. Not

t h e

government

?s.

"

Jimmy nods. "I

?ll stay down here and finish this term. That way

I c a n k e e p t a b s o n t h i n g s a n d o r d e r e q u i p m e n t w i t h o u t a r o u s i n g
s u s p i c i o n . "

"Won

?t they come looking for you?" I ask Sara. I feel very

s u r r e a l . P a r t o f m e h a s a l w a y s w a n t e d t o k n o w why t h i s a l l h a p p e n e d ,
a n d p a r t o f m e f e e l s l i k e I

?m just prompting the part I know

comes next

.

" N o t i f t h e y t h i n k t h e r e

?s no reason to look," Jimmy says.

"We

?ll

take my car back to Hazel ?s and pick up hers. Devil ?s

S l i d e i s

o n l y a f e w m i l e s u p t h e r o a d . I t

?s?"

" I t

?s a rainy night," I finish. "Treacherous stretch of

highway.

A c c i d e n t s h a p p e n t h e r e a l l t h e t i m e . T h e y

?ll find Sara ?s car in the

m o r n i n g , b u t n o b o d y . W a s h e d o u t t o s e a . E v e r y o n e w i l l t h i n k i t

?s

tragic th

a t s h e d i e d s o y o u n g , " I s a y s o f t l y . M y t h r o a t i s t i g h t a n d

I

?m fighting back

t e a r s . " A t l e a s t I a l w a y s h a v e . "

T h e y b o t h s t a r e a t m e . S a r a g e t s u p a n d s t a n d s b e h i n d m e , w r a p p i n g h e r
arms around my shoulders. "So that i s h o w i t h a p p e n s ? " s h e a s k s ,
h u g g i n g m e t i g h t . " A l l a l o n g y o u

?ve assumed I ?d be dead in the

morning?"

I n o d . I d o n

?t trust my voice enough to say anything.

T o m y g r e a t s u r p r i s e , s h e l a u g h s . " W e l l , I

?m not going to be.

One of

t h e f i r s t l e s s o n s y o u s h o u l d h a v e l e a r n e d a s a s c i e n t i s t i s n e v e r
a s s u m e , " s h e s a y s , k i s s i n g t h e t o p o f m y h e a d . " B u t w h a t a t e r r i b l e
s e c r e t f o r y o u t o h a v e b e e n c a r t i n g a b o u t . T h a n k y o u f o r n o t t e l l i n g
m e . I t w o u l d h a v e r u i n e d a p e r f e c t l y l o v e l y w e e k e n d . N o w l e t

?s all

have some supper. We ?ve a lot

t o d o t o n i g h t . "

M o n d a y , F e b r u a r y 2 0 , 1 9 5 6 . 1 2 : 0 5 a . m .

" W h a t o n e a r t h a r e y o u d o i n g ? " S a r a a s k s , c o m i n g i n t o t h e k i t c h e n a n d
t a l k i n g a r o u n d t h e t o o t h b r u s h i n h e r m o u t h . " I t

?s our last night ?at

l e a s t f o r a w h i l e . I w a s r a t h e r h o p i n g y o u

?d be waiting in bed when

I came out

o f t h e b a t h r o o m . "

" I w i l l . T w o m o r e m i n u t e s . " I

?m sitting at the kitchen table,

r o l l i n g a b l a n k s h e e t o f p a p e r i n t o h e r t y p e w r i t e r . I h a v e n

?t let

myself think

a b o u t g o i n g b a c k i n t h e m o r n i n g , a b o u t l e a v i n g S a r a ,

a n d I

?m delaying our

i n e v i t a b l e c o n v e r s a t i o n a b o u t i t f o r a s l o n g a s

I c a n . " W h i l e w e w e r e d r i v i n g b a c k f r o m w r e c k i n g y o u r c a r , I h a d a n
i d e a a b o u t h o w t o n a i l C h a m b e r s . "

S h e t a k e s t h e t o o t h b r u s h o u t o f h e r m o u t h . " I t

?s a lovely

t h o u g h t ,

but you know you can

?t change anything that happens.

"

" I c a n

?t change

t h e p a s t , " I a g r e e . " B u t I can s e t a b o m b w i t h a v e r y

l o n g f u s e . L i k e 4 0 y e a r s . "

" W h a t ? Y o u l o o k l i k e t h e c a t t h a t

?s eaten the canary." She sits

down next to me.

" I

?ve retyped the title page to Chambers ?s dissertation ?with

y o u r n a m e o n i t . F i r s t t h i n g i n t h e m o r n i n g , I

?m going to rent a

large safe

d e p o s i t b o x a t t h e W e l l s F a r g o B a n k d o w n t o w n , a n d p a y t h e

r e n t i n a d v a n c e . S o m e t i m e i n 1 9 9 5 , t h e r e

?ll be a miraculous

discovery of a complete Sara Baxter

C l a r k e m a n u s c r i p t . T h e b o m b i s

t h a t , a f t e r h e r t r a g i c d e a t h , t h e e s t e e m e d D r . C h a m b e r s a p p e a r s t o
h a v e p u b l i s h e d i t u n d e r h i s o w n n a m e

?and won the Nobel Prize

f o r

i t . "

"No, you can

?t. It?s not my work either, it ?s Gil?s and?" she

s t o p s i n m i d - s e n t e n c e , s t a r i n g a t m e . " A n d h e r e a l l y i s d e a d . I d o n

?t

s u p p o s e I d a r e g i v e a f i g a b o u t a c a d e m i c c r e d i t a n y m o r e , s h o u l d I ? "

"I hope not. Besides, Chambers can

?t prove it ?s

not yours. What

?s he

going to say ?Carol McCullough went back to the past and set me

up? He

?ll look like a total idiot. Without your formula, all he

?s got i

s a t i m e m a c h i n e t h a t w o n

?t work. Remember, you never

present your paper. Where I come

f r o m i t m a y b e o k a y t o b e q u e e r ,

b u t t i m e t r a v e l i s s t i l l j u s t s c i e n c e f i c t i o n . "

S h e l a u g h s . " W e l l , g i v e n a c h o i c e , I s u p p o s e t h a t

?s preferable.

i s n

?

t it?

"

I n o d a n d p u l l t h e s h e e t o f p a p e r o u t o f t h e t y p e w r i t e r .

"You

?re quite a resourceful girl, aren ?t you?" Sara says,

s m i l i n g . " I c o u l d u s e a n a s s i s t a n t l i k e y o u . " T h e n h e r s m i l e f a d e s a n d
s h e p u t s h e r h a n d o v e r m i n e . " I d o n

?t suppose you ?d consider

staying on for a few m

o n t h s a n d h e l p i n g m e s e t u p t h e l a b ? I k n o w

we

?ve only known each other for two days.

B u t t h i s

?I?us? Oh,

dammit, what I ?m trying to say is I ?m going to miss you.

"

I s q u e e z e h e r h a n d i n r e t u r n , a n d w e s i t s i l e n t f o r a f e w m i n u t e s . I
don

?t know what to say.

O r t o d o . I d o n

?t want to go back to my

own

t i m e . T h e r e

?s nothing for me in that life. A dissertation

that I now know isn ?t

t r u e . A n o f f i c e w i t h a b l a c k a n d w h i t e p h o t o

o f t h e o n l y p e r s o n I

?ve ever really

l o v e d

?who?s sitting next to

me, holding my hand. I

c o u l d s i t l i k e t h i s f o r e v e r . B u t c o u l d I

s t a n d t o l i v e t h e r e s t o f m y l i f e i n t h e c l o s e t , h i d i n g w h o I a m a n d
w h o I l o v e ? I

?m used to the 90s ?I?ve never done research without

a computer, or

cooked much without a microwave. I

?m afraid if I

don?t go back tom

o r r o w , I

?ll be

t r a p p e d i n t h i s r e a c t i o n a r y p a s t

f o r e v e r .

" S a r a , " I a s k f i n a l l y . " A r e y o u s u r e y o u r e x p e r i m e n t s w i l l w o r k ? "

S h e l o o k s a t m e , h e r e y e s w a r m a n d g e n t l e . " I f y o u

?re asking if

I

can promise you an escape back to your own time someday, the answer is
n o . I c a n

?t promise you anything, love. But if you ?re asking if

I believe in my work,

t h e n y e s . I d o . A r e y o u t h i n k i n g o f s t a y i n g ,

then?"

I n o d . " I w a n t t o . I j u s t d o n

?t know if I can.

"

" B e c a u s e o f l a s t n i g h t ? " s h e a s k s s o f t l y .

"That

?s part of it. I w

a s r a i s e d i n a w o r l d t h a t

?s so

d i f f e r e n t . I

don

?t feel right here. I don ?t belong.

"

S h e k i s s e s m y c h e e k . " I k n o w . B u t g y p s i e s n e v e r b e l o n g t o t h e p l a c e s
t h e y t r a v e l . T h e y o n l y b e l o n g t o o t h e r g y p s i e s . "

My eyes are misty as she takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom.

M o n d a y , F e b r u a r y 2 0 , 1 9 5 6 . 1 1 : 3 0 a . m .

I p u t t h e b a t t e r e d l e a t h e r b r i e f c a s e o n t h e f l o o r o f t h e s u p p l y c l o s e t
i n L e C o n t e H a l l a n d c l o s e t h e d o o r b e h i n d m e . A t 1 1 : 3 7 e x a c t l y , I h e a r
t h e h u m m i n g s t a r t , a n d w h e n i t s t o p s , m y s h o u l d e r s s a g w i t h r e l i e f .
What

?s done

i s d o n e , a n d a l l t h e d i e s a r e c a s t . I n P a l o A l t o a n

a u d i e n c e o f r e s t l e s s p h y s i c i s t s i s w a i t i n g t o h e a r a p a p e r t h a t w i l l
n e v e r b e r e a d . A n d i n B e r k e l e y , f a r i n t h e f u t u r e , a n e q u a l l y r e s t l e s s
p h y s i c i s t i s w a i t i n g f o r a m e s s e n g e r t o f i n a l l y d e l i v e r t h a t p a p e r .

But the messenger isn

?t coming back. And that may be the least

o f

Chambers

?s worries.

T h i s m o r n i n g I t a p e d t h e k e y t o t h e s a f e d e p o s i t b o x

?and a

l i t t l e

n o t e a b o u t t h e d i s s e r t a t i o n i n s i d e

?into the 1945 bound volume of

T h e A s t r o p h y s i c a l J o u r n a l . M y o f f i c e m a t e T e d w a s o u t r a g e d t h a t n o o n e
h a d c h e c k e d i t o u t o f t h e P h y s i c s l i b r a r y s i n c e 1 9 5 5 . I

?m hoping he ?

ll be even more

o u t r a g e d w h e n h e d i s c o v e r s t h e s e c r e t t h a t

?s hidden

inside it.

I w a l k o u t o f L e C o n t e a n d a c r o s s c a m p u s t o t h e c o f f e e s h o p w h e r e S a r a
i s w a i t i n g f o r m e . I d o n

?t like the political climate here, but

at

l e a s t I k n o w t h a t i t w i l l c h a n g e , s l o w l y b u t s u r e l y . B e s i d e s , w e

don

?t have to

s t a y i n t h e 5 0 s a l l t h e t i m e

?in a few m

onths, Sara

a n d I p l a n t o d o a l o t o f t r a v e l i n g . M a y b e o n e d a y s o m e g r a d u a t e
s t u d e n t w i l l w a n t t o s t u d y t h e m y s t e r i o u s d i s a p p e a r a n c e o f D r . C a r o l
McCullough. Stranger things have happened.

M y o n l y r e g r e t i s n o t b e i n g a b l e t o s e e C h a m b e r s

?s face when he

o p e n s t h a t b r i e f c a s e a n d t h e r e

?s no manuscript. Sara and I decided

that even

s e n d i n g b a c k a n i n c o m p l e t e v e r s i o n o f h e r p a p e r w a s

d a n g e r o u s . I t w o u l d g i v e C h a m b e r s e n o u g h p r o o f t h a t h i s t e m p o k i n e t i c
e x p e r i m e n t w o r k e d f o r h i m t o g e t m o r e f u n d i n g a n d t r y a g a i n . S o t h e
o n l y t h i n g i n t h e c a s e i s a n a n o n y m o u s , u n d a t e d p o s t c a r d o f t h e S t .
F r a n c i s H o t e l t h a t s a y s :

" H a v i n g a w o n d e r f u l t i m e . T h a n k s f o r t h e r i d e . "