This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and events are all products of the
author s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or
dead, events, organizations, or locations is purely coincidental.
Clarity
Copyright © 2011 Jourdan Lane
Second Edition
Cover design: Kirby Crow
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this
publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior, written consent of the author.
This short story is part of the Soul Mates series. Reading order for the series is as follows:
Soul Mates: Bound by Blood
Soul Mates: Deceptions
Instinct (The Call anthology)
Soul Mates: Sacrifice
Nice: A Coven Christmas
Possession (Spiked anthology)
Soul Mates: Secrets
Mark of the Beast
Clarity
Clarity
Logan sat back, elbows resting on the arms of his chair, fingers together forming a
steeple before him. He'd grown still in a way that some of the older vampires could. He wasn't all
that old, but like Lucien, he was powerful enough to pull off the trick. His gaze was intense as he
studied me and it took everything I had not to squirm under his scrutiny.
Stupid me.
I just had to open my big mouth.
"Caleb . . . ." He paused, sighing. "I won't deny that you are making progress, but "
"You know what? Just forget it." I tamped down the urge to tap my foot or pop my
knuckles. Or get up and pace. Anything to drive away the anxiety that had hit me like a ton of
bricks. "Forget I even mentioned it."
"As you well know, I can't do that." His gaze flicked up and down my body, eyes
narrowing in concern. "Why are you suddenly so nervous?"
"Not nervous."
He calmly pointed at my leg, which I'd obviously failed to keep still. "We're too far along
for you to start lying to me, Caleb."
I sighed and stood, shaking my head. "I just . . . Hell, I just want things to get back to
normal, you know?"
Logan frowned at my words and I instantly knew I'd said the wrong thing yet again.
"There is no wrong thing to say, Caleb."
"No!" I turned, pointing an accusing finger at him. "You stay out of my goddamned head,
Logan. That's not part of the deal and you fucking know it! I'm talking, so keep your voodoo
mind tricks to yourself."
He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Calm down, Caleb."
"Calm down, Caleb. Let's talk about this, Caleb." I mimicked the words I heard so often
from him. "You know what? I'm done with being calm. And I'm done playing this stupid game."
"Stupid?"
"Shut. Up."
"This is far from a game, Caleb."
"Quit saying my name!" It annoyed me to no end to hear him repeat my name over and
over again, as if it helped him to connect with me or some shit like that. I just wanted it to stop . .
. for it all to stop. "Just . . . stop."
"Why does it bother you so much?"
I just looked at him.
He wasn't going to stop asking questions and if I got any more worked up, our little two
hour session was going to go way into overtime. No matter what I did or said from this point on,
Logan would question it and tear it apart, detail by detail. I was not in the mood for this tonight
and I was prepared to do just about anything to end it.
Frustrated, I parked my ass on the arm of the chair and stared at him. I might not have
been calm, but I needed him to believe that I was at least headed that way. After a few moments
of silence, he calmly rose from his chair and walked around the desk. It put us only a couple of
feet apart and he crossed his arms over his chest, mimicking my actions now.
A snarl tried to burst free, but I pursed my lips tightly together. He was testing me.
Seeing how far he could push me . . . and whether I'd snap. Over the last several months, I'd
wanted to snap. Wanted to yell and roar and just . . . vent. But I had a feeling that if I did, I'd end
up without a head.
Lucien, my Master and head of the Coven, would see to that.
It didn't matter that we had history and that we'd been friends for so many years. If he
thought I was a danger to him or the rest of the coven, he'd do away with me.
Simple as that.
"Caleb?"
I glared at him, wanting to sink my fangs into that pretty, pale neck of his. His was
closest, but really, I just needed a neck. An arm. A leg . . . . My fangs ached at the very thought
of feeding from something someone other than a bag of old, stale blood. Tears burned at my
eyes and a single one fell from the corner of my eye and rolled down my cheek.
I cursed it, but didn't dare wipe it away.
As long as I didn't wipe it away, I could pretend it wasn't there.
"Do you even realize what you asked me for?" His tone had gone soft, tender. "You
didn't ask to be able to feed. You asked to hunt."
I hadn't asked that . . . . Had I? By the way he watched me, I knew that I had.
Fuck.
If it had been any other vampire, it would have been a non-issue. But I'd been expressly
forbidden to hunt. Not for a few weeks or a couple of months. Pretty much like . . . forever.
"You know what I meant," I said, feebly.
"I'm afraid I do."
He was going to tell Lucien.
"Oh, come on, Logan," I begged. "The bagged blood is killing me."
"It may leave a lot to be desired, but it won't kill you," he said with a chuckle.
"It's not even human!" The very thought sickened me. "I just . . . I don't get it, you
know?"
"Don't get what?"
"I thought . . . I thought that when I took my lashes, that "
"That your punishment would be over?"
"No. Yes." I ran my hands over my face in frustration. I didn't know what I meant
anymore. "I know that what I did was unforgivable, but if the idea was to keep me alive and
miserable? It's working."
"Are you saying you'd rather die than live with the gift Lucien has given you?"
"I'd rather die than be treated like some animal," I said softly. "Caged up, given limited
freedom, sustained by the blood of animals rather than donors. I can't . . . I can't even . . . ."
"Can't what?"
"Nothing."
He studied me for a moment, then realization seemed to sink in. "I see."
"I haven't broken the rules once since they were given to me." Frustration had given way
to self-pity. And with self-pity, came too many emotions to hide away. I slid off the arm of the
chair, down into the seat, and pulled my legs up against my chest. "I . . . ."
When I broke off, he patiently waited for me to continue.
"I need more." I couldn't look at him as I spoke. "I need to be able to at least feed from
my lover while we have sex. I need human blood."
"And?"
"I need to be a valuable member of this coven." I did look at him then. "I blew it big time.
I had everything and I threw it away because I was weak and let . . . ."
Don't go there. Don't open that door.
I slammed that line of thought into a box and locked it away. That line of thinking
wouldn't get me what I needed. No, it'd only lead to more hours of this therapy and I wasn't sure
how much more I could take.
"I fucked up and hurt a lot of people especially Lucien," I continued. "I'm not asking for
that to be forgotten because I know that it can't be. I'm only asking that it be put aside so that I
can prove to everyone that I'm not that Caleb any more. That I'm not a monster and that I am
worth something."
"So you believe you are worth something?" I frowned at the way he asked that, but
nodded. He sighed, but it wasn't in exasperation this time. It was more like . . . relief. "When we
first started these sessions, I wasn't sure I'd ever hear you say those words. You've certainly come
a long way."
"But not far enough, right?"
He laughed. "It'll happen."
"So . . . what? We continue this tomorrow?"
"Yeah, let's do that. I'm going to want to touch base with you and see how tonight affects
you."
Before I could ask what he meant, he looked past me and nodded. It was only then, that I
realized someone else was in the room. I froze, horrified. These sessions were private. I'd been
guaranteed that whatever I said went no further than
"It's only me, Caleb."
The sound of Lucien's voice both calmed me and made me nervous at the same time.
How much of this session had he heard? How long had he been standing there, watching us?
Seeing me crumble under the pressure of my own stupid emotions?
Of course, Logan reported everything to Lucien, but still . . . .
As Lucien came further into the room, I quickly rose from the chair and went to one
knee, head bowed in utmost respect. "Master . . . ."
He stopped inches away from me and I fought every instinct in me that wanted to touch
him. Thankfully, he didn't make me wait or fret over whether he'd allow me to touch him. He slid
his fingers through my hair and pulled me toward him. I pressed my forehead against his jean-
covered upper thigh and stupidly let out an honest-to-God whimper when I inhaled his scent.
Lucien chuckled and it sent chills over my entire body. "Stand and let me see you."
I stood and looked up at him, not quite meeting his eyes. When he didn't say another
word, I worried that maybe I hadn't been submissive or respectful enough. This shit was all so
new to me; I'd never had to worry about any of it before I went off the deep end. I tilted my head
to the side, baring my neck for him.
But he just stared at me.
I swallowed hard. "Sir?"
"Still so beautiful," he whispered, warm breath skating across my flesh.
He brought one hand up and cupped my cheek and I shuddered, closing my eyes so that I
wouldn't screw up and look him in the eye. After a few moments, he sighed. "Look at me,
Caleb."
"I "
"Caleb."
I opened my eyes and for the first time in months and months, I looked into Lucien's pale
blue eyes. They were full of such kindness, such understanding, that it was all I could do to hold
his gaze.
"You want off the bagged blood."
I nodded. "Yes."
"And you have not broken any of the rules as far as feeding goes?" When I shook my
head, he raised his brow, obviously suspicious. "No feeding with sex? Not a nip here or there.
Not a single bite?"
"I swear it on my life."
Lucien gestured to the chair I'd been sitting in before and I took the suggestion and sat
down. Instead of sitting beside me or remaining standing, he went to his knees in front of me.
The gesture threw me off and I bit at my lip nervously.
"This part of your punishment may have seemed harsh, but there are reasons that I
requested that things be handled in this way. It has probably been one of the most difficult things
you've had to face, yes? Ignoring that basic instinct to feed?"
I wasn't sure what to say to that. My punishment had come about because I'd betrayed
and hurt Lucien; had nearly killed him, in fact. To sit here and say that it was difficult just
seemed . . . wrong. He seemed to understand why I didn't answer and continued on.
"Do you remember the days after I went off the serum?"
"I'll never forget them."
His screams had been burned into my memory, as had the begging for us to let him feed.
And just like me, he'd gone without a donor and had survived only on bagged animal blood for
months.
"I've been where you are and I know exactly how difficult it is to go through. But know
that I would not ask anything of you that I was not certain you could handle." He made sure I
was looking at him. "You have shown both obedience and restraint and that pleases me more
than I could ever say."
"I would do anything you asked of me."
"Then give me your throat."
Without hesitation, I let my head fall back, baring myself for him. He struck hard and
fast, fangs piercing my flesh sharply. I gasped as he took that first pull and began to drink from
me. It took everything I had to not touch him and to stay still beneath him.
My entire body flushed and my dick went hard.
He pulled off a few moments later and licked at the bite wound, then rose up and
crowded me until I leaned way back in the chair. His hands went to his T-shirt and then he
paused, as if changing his mind.
Without warning, he kissed me.
Not just a simple peck on the lips either. His tongue slid against mine and the unexpected
taste of his blood sent me reeling. I realized that he wasn't exactly kissing me, he was feeding
me. Re-igniting that connection that we'd once had and lost, due to my own stupidity so long
ago. I fed from him hungrily, taking every drop he offered.
He pulled away after a minute or two and licked at his lips, breath coming hard and fast.
"Go."
"Sir?"
"Go," he ordered as he rose to his feet. "Find Xander and finish this."
I didn't have to be told what this was. I bit hard at my lip and forced myself to meet
Lucien's eyes. "Thank you, Lucien."
His jaws clenched tightly. "Get. Out."
To know that I could still turn him on almost made me giggle with glee, but that look in
his eyes was far from amused. He was turned on and if I pushed it, he'd take it out of my hide.
And as tempting as that was, I wanted Xander to be my first feed. Lucien was my Master, but he
was no longer a lover. No longer someone I shared a bed with.
That was Xander, now. The man who had stood beside me when everyone else had
turned against me. Who didn't see me as the monster I felt I'd become. The man I loved with
every fiber of my being.
I was up and out of the chair in a matter of seconds. When I got to the door, I glanced
back only to see that Logan had left us alone. Lucien growled and pointed and I smiled before
throwing open the door and heading out to find Xander.
* * * * *
I'd searched the entire mansion well, the parts I was allowed in, at least and had come
up empty-handed. If Xander was home, we were either missing each other in passing or he was
in a restricted area. I wasn't allowed a cell phone, so I headed back to our room so I could at least
try to call him.
There'd been no answer.
Lucien's blood had energized me. It woke my body up in more ways than one. All I could
do was pace back and forth, dialing Xander's cell phone every few minutes in hopes that I could
entice him to come . . . talk.
I laughed at the thought.
Once he walked through that door, talking would be the last thing on the agenda. I heard
the door knob turn and paused, mid-stride, eyes trained on the door as it opened. Xander walked
in and froze when he saw me.
"Close the door, Xander," I ordered softly.
The expression in those gorgeous amber eyes of his was cautious, but he shut the door
behind him. He leaned back against the door, muscular arms crossed over his chest. He tilted his
head to the side as if he sensed something was different, and a lock of long, black hair slipped
forward to hide part of his face.
"What's going on?" His eyes narrowed as I started toward him. "Have you . . . fed?"
"Not exactly."
I closed the distance between us, grabbing the hem of his shirt as I reached him. He
sucked in a quick breath as I began to pull it up over his head. His heartbeat quickened when I
leaned in to kiss him and all of a sudden I had that first-kiss feeling all over again.
But it was always like that with Xander: first kiss, first touch . . . first love.
His hands came up to frame my face and he pushed me back just far enough to look into
my eyes. The love and devotion I saw in his expression was almost staggering and it was all I
could do not to look away.
"Need you to be my first," I whispered.
"Wouldn't have it any other way." He smiled, one thumb tracing my bottom lip. "But
there is one catch."
"And that is?"
"I bite back."
He pulled me in and kissed me in one of those earth-shattering kisses . . . then sucked my
bottom lip between his teeth and bit down hard. I hissed, curling my fingers around his lean hips
to bring our bodies together. He was as hard as I was and it was more than flattering considering
the fact we'd only kissed.
Xander's hands slid down to cup my ass and without warning, he picked me up and
carried me across the room. He tossed me onto the bed and then stepped back, grinning.
"Get rid of those clothes."
I started stripping off my shirt and jeans and once I was finished, I noticed that he was
still fully clothed. "You keeping your clothes on?"
"No, no." He shucked his boots and jeans and kicked them aside. "I was just a little
distracted by a certain naked vampire."
"I am naked." I scooted further up onto the bed, leaning back on a stack of pillows. As his
gaze wandered, I let one leg fall to the side. "And I'd hate to be naked alone."
"That would be a shame, wouldn't it?"
He crawled up over the foot of the bed and headed straight for me and I saw a flash of the
wolf that lurked just beneath the surface. For so long, I hadn't so much as seen a flicker of wolf
while in bed with him. It made me a little nervous, though I had no clue why.
"What's wrong," he asked.
"Nothing." I tried like hell to cover. "Just enjoying the "
"Don't you dare lie to me."
Just like that, I'd gone and ruined everything. I bit at my lip, suddenly wanting to crawl
under the blankets and hide. Fear slammed through me as Xander moved closer. What the hell
was wrong with me? He finally stopped and sat back on his heels, cocking his head to the side.
"What's the deal, Caleb?"
"I don't know," I whispered, shaking my head quickly. "I don't know, I don't know, I
don't know . . . ."
"You're not ready for this," he said after a few moments.
"But I "
"No." His tone was final and he had already moved to get up off the bed. "What exactly
happened in your session with Logan today?"
"Wait!" I grabbed his arm before he could get up. "I'm just . . . ."
"Just what?"
His patience was wearing thin. I couldn't blame him. He'd put up with me and my fucked
up issues for longer than anyone should have. Never complaining, just accepting. I owed it to
him to be completely honest.
"I love you, Xander," I said simply.
"Then be honest with me, baby."
He'd moved back onto the bed and leaned against the pillows, obviously in no hurry to
steer this conversation back to anything sexual. Which sucked, considering it'd been going so
well before I freaked out. I crawled over and sat back on my heels beside him, sliding my fingers
up the inside of his forearm.
"Stupid as it sounds, your wolf freaked me out."
Xander just stared at me.
The silence in the room was awkward, and I struggled to come up with a decent
explanation as to why. But everything that went through my head sounded stupid and trivial. Me,
a vampire, was scared of being in bed with a damned werewolf?
And not just any werewolf, but my lover.
I hadn't even realized that he'd moved, but Xander was suddenly on his knees before me.
He slid his hands around my neck and leaned in, placing a gentle kiss to my forehead.
"I think I get it," he whispered.
"Yeah?" I gave a shaky laugh. "Then please explain it to me because I don't."
"Oh, I could sit here and explain it all, but that would be long and boring and would
involve way too much talking." He kissed me, pushing me back until I was lying down again. He
settled himself between my legs and rested his forehead on my shoulder. "But you have to trust
me."
"I do." I wrapped my arms around him, needing more than anything to be close to him. "I
promise you, I do."
"You've come to see me and my wolf as two separate beings." He kissed his way up my
neck, and then nipped my ear. I cried out in both shock and pleasure. "But I'm not, baby. I am the
wolf . . . the wolf is me."
"Xander . . . ."
"Would never hurt you, no matter what form I happen to be in." A sharp bite to my
shoulder followed, but his teeth didn't break the skin. I gasped, back bowing, nails digging into
the flesh of his back. I smelled blood, though it was his, not mine. His body went rigid and he
laughed. "Now, come on, I'm trying to take this slow. You start drawing blood and . . . ."
"Shut up," I hissed.
"Oh, listen to you, getting bossy."
"I used to be good at bossy."
"Still are."
He rose up to look at me and his eyes were far from human. The fear that had risen up
earlier tried to rear its ugly head, but I quickly pushed it away in favor of him not stopping what
he'd been doing.
Just the thought of him sinking his teeth into my flesh made me shudder and Xander
groaned, sliding one hand between us. The tips of his fingers brushed my balls and I spread my
legs in invitation.
But he didn't take it.
The bastard moved his hand away, smirking as he did. I was about to smack him when he
bent and licked at my right nipple, then sank his teeth in. A long, low moan passed through my
lips and he growled.
"Oh, I need to hear that one again."
"Xander " He moved to the left side and repeated the gesture and I whimpered, panting
through the pain of the bite and the exquisite feel of his tongue soothing away that sting. "Please
. . . ."
"Please what?"
"Do it again," I begged. "Oh, God, let me feel that again."
"What, this?" He bit down in the same spot, but quickly moved on, biting his way down
the middle of my chest, down my belly. "Then again, every little spot makes a different sound
pass through those pretty lips."
"Damn it, Xander!"
He parted my legs and licked at where my thigh and groin met, then bit down. I hissed
and rose on my elbows to watch him. He glanced at my dick and slowly, slowly moved over to
trail his tongue down my entire length. I swallowed hard, unable to take my eyes off him as he
took me in.
Instead of just sitting there and watching him, I thrust up into his warm, wet mouth. He
rolled his eyes up to look at me and held my gaze as he sucked me. His movements were slow
and steady and it wasn't long before I was right there on the edge, ready to come.
Xander pulled off, raking his teeth gently over the head of my prick as he did. The
sensation was too much and I was suddenly coming, my orgasm just spilling out of me. He
caught every drop on his tongue and before I could even blink, he'd spit into his hand and was
pushing two fingers into me.
I spread my legs even more, whimpering, fucking myself on his fingers. "Inside me,
Xander, please . . . ."
"You gonna ride me?" he asked, pausing. "Make it easier for you to feed."
Oddly enough, I'd forgotten all about the feeding part. I contemplated it for about half a
second, knowing that we'd have plenty of time for me to feed in the future. What I wanted even
more was to feel the weight of him above me and know that I wasn't just taking from him.
I shook my head. "Not worried about feeding; just want to feel you."
He groaned and slowly began pushing that long, thick cock into me. I panted, blowing
out short, quick breaths, trying not to come a second time. But I was still right there in that place
where the slightest little movement could send me soaring right over the edge again.
Xander's lips brushed mine. "I'm worried about feeding."
"Wha ?"
"I need you to feed from me," he whispered. "While I'm buried deep inside you, filling
you, I need to feel you taking me all in."
I pushed Xander's dark hair away to reveal the long muscular line of his neck. For a
moment, all I could do was stare. His heart beat faster and faster and I zeroed in on his pulse
point. I leaned up and licked that spot and Xander shuddered hard.
"Caleb, please."
After a moment's hesitation, I set my fangs against his neck and bit down. The first taste
of his blood on my tongue sent me flying. Lucien's blood had been full of lust and power, but
Xander's . . . his blood was full of both of those, yet so much more.
Xander let out a moan of pleasure like none I'd ever heard pass through his lips before.
He thrust his hips hard and fast, yet held me tight as if his life depended on it. For a few
moments, it was an awkward mix of me trying to feed and meet his thrusts, but I soon realized
that it was so not going to happen that way.
He gave a shaky laugh at my ear. "We're a little out of practice."
I pulled off him briefly and licked at the line of blood as it trickled from the bite mark.
"Hey, I'm willing to do this over and over again until we manage perfection."
"I'm going to remember you said that." He growled and bit down hard where my neck
and shoulder met. "You won't be able to walk when I'm done with you."
"I fucking hope not," I hissed. I arched my hips up to meet his next slow, steady thrust.
"But if you don't shut up and just fuck me "
His next thrust stole the words right out of my mouth. My entire body went taut, like a
guitar string wound way too tight. It wasn't just the physical sensations that turned me on so
much. It was the emotional.
Xander had let his guard down, let down any shields that might have kept his thoughts
from me. With the dropping of the shields came an onslaught of emotion Xander's emotions.
They hit me hard and I suddenly knew just how much he loved me; how much he needed me.
Wanted me.
Desired me.
The knowledge that I was so loved even with all of my issues and every stupid thing I'd
done was dizzying. I didn't get to contemplate that too much though, because he was soon
guiding me back to his neck.
I didn't argue, didn't complain. I just bit down into his perfect flesh and fed from him,
taking as much of him into me as I could. He rode the power of my bite and for me it was as
exhilarating as coming myself. But it wasn't about getting off for me anymore.
It was about giving back.
In a perfect moment of clarity, I realized that it wasn't Xander or his wolf that had scared
me. It was what his wolf coming out to play actually signified. After all of these months of
begging for some kind of change, it was finally happening.
Though I was sure he'd never admit it, the day I was allowed to feed or to sink my fangs
into something other than plastic was probably one he'd been waiting on for a long, long time.
How much had it cost him to keep his wolf locked away all of this time? Ignoring that
most basic instinct of the wolf and Xander, himself not to nip and bite and growl while
having sex because I was forbidden to do the same. We'd been relegated to such a human-like
relationship I was surprised he wasn't in therapy, too.
Just knowing what he'd been willing to go through for me put a whole lot into perspective
and I wanted no, needed to fix this. To bring us forward instead of always being the one to
set us back.
And there was no time like the present.
~The End~
About the Author:
Jourdan Lane is a fulltime author residing in South Texas. She drinks too much coffee, is
contemplating changing her permanent address to that of the local Starbucks, and she likes her
chocolate like her fiction: DARK.
She writes both erotic and romantic fiction including, but not limited to, GLBT fiction.
While she loves Paranormal and Urban Fantasy, she also enjoys writing Contemporary, Military,
Law Enforcement, Horror, Thriller/Suspense, and more.
For more information about Jourdan and her books, visit her at:
http://www.jourdanlane.com