Shame and Group Psychotherapy
Shame and Group Psychotherapy
Shame and Group Psychotherapy
Shame and Group Psychotherapy
Introduction
Introduction
Introduction
Introduction
I t i s stil l not widely understood that shame experiences
are preval ent in the group psychotherapy situation. This i s
related to the fact that shame
i s most si gnificantl y an
The basis of shame is not some
personal mistake of ours, but the
i nterpersonal emotion,
ignominy, the humiliation we feel
that we must be what we are
i nvolving one' s relati onshi p to
without any choice in the matter,
others and al so to onesel f, and
and that this humiliation is seen by
everyone. Milan Kundera.
the main focus of group
Immortality. 1991.
psychotherapy i s the
Whoever blushes is already guilty;
exami nation of relati onshi p,
true innocence is ashamed of
nothing. Jean-Jacques Rousseau,
both wi thin and outside the
Emile.
group. Because it is a common
The capacity to feel shame is built
into human beings, and it has a experience in rel ati onshi ps
civilising effect in adapting a child
and therefore an important
to his family and culture. F.
English. Transactional Analysis
affect i n group settings, shame
Journal, 1975.
can have profound effects on
Whilst shame keeps its watch,
the nature of group
virtue is not wholly extinguished in
the heart; nor will moderation be
relationshi ps and on the
utterly exiled from the minds of
tyrants. Edmund Burke, Reflection experience of the group matri x
on the Revolution in France. 1790.
as a potenti al ly safe contai ner.
Because impudence is a vice, it
Shame can be evoked by the
does not follow that modesty is a
virtue; it is built upon shame, a
group and result in the group
passion in our nature, and may be
bei ng percei ved to be harmful
either good or bad according to the
actions performed from that
and aversi ve, leadi ng group
motive. Bernard Mandeville. The
Fable of the Bees. 1714.
members to avoid parti ci pati on
i n the group. Because of the
hidden nature of shame, it can be di fficult for the group
conductor to detect and work with it effectively. We are al l
1
handi capped in this area by the lack of a coherent theory of
emotion in psychoanalysi s or any other fi eld.
However, the theory that i s perhaps of most use and
si gni ficance i n providing an orientation i n this area i s
attachment theory. John Bowlby (1971), in hi s development of
these ideas, posits that from its fi rst rel ati onshi ps the i nfant i s
constructi ng mental model s of self-wi th-other that serve as
templ ates for further emotional devel opment. I f caretakers are
reliabl e and abl e to gi ve consi stent, "good-enough" care the
model that develops i s one of l ove and i nterpersonal trust. If
the caretakers are neglectful or do not meet the emotional
requi rements of the particular infant, then untrusti ng model s
of sel f- with-other form the templ ates on which future
relationshi ps are based. These templates, therefore, can be
seen as providing the basi s on which feeli ng states of sel f i n
relation to others are constructed.
The above can be related to object relati ons theory i n
hi ghli ghti ng the pri macy of connectedness wi th others. This
vi ew of the shame experience emphasi ses that it i s an
experience of ali enation, of being cut off or isol ated from
others. Indeed, threat or damage to social bonds seems to be
the pri mary context for shame, be that a separati on or some
other severance of relati onshi p. For James (1992), the pain of
shame i s the loss of love and the l oss of feeli ng of uni ty.
Thus, shame:
a). Is preval ent i n groups
b). Is an i nterpersonal emoti on, a frequent and
i mportant infl uence on group relationships
c). Can l ead to an i nabi lity to use the group because
of fear of exposure.
d). Has i mplicati ons for therapeutic technique and
management of the group.
2
My bel ief i s that the conductor i s requi red, particul arly i n
relation to shame prone i ndividual s, to consider carefull y the
question of technique and approach. I ncorrect understandi ng
and therapeutic technique may lead to harmful and anti -
therapeutic results.
The Shame Experience
The Shame Experience
The Shame Experience
The Shame Experience
Shame i s an all or
Intimate attachments to other
human beings are the hub around
nothi ng experi ence in which
which a person's life revolves, not
only when he is an infant or a
the possi bi lity of there bei ng
toddler or a schoolchild but
both either/or is completely
throughout his adolescence and
his years of maturity as well, and
l ost. I am totally worthl ess
on into old age. John Bowlby
(1980). Attachment and Loss, Vol.
from head to foot, other peopl e
3: Loss. New York: Basic Books.
wi ll fully recogni se how full of
Cultures change over time. Our
badness I am, and I am beyond
culture has become more shame-
driven as we have turned toward
the possi bi lity of redemption. I
personal freedom, and beyond it
l ack all val ue. to narcissism. The self, now the
object and the subject, is more
The word shame is
likely to experience shame. And
we have simultaneously rid
derived from the Indo-
ourselves of the religious
institutions that are capable of
European root kam/kem, which
absorbing shame, so many of us
means, "to cover, to vei l, to
lack mechanisms for securing
forgiveness. Michael Lewis,
hide and to wound". The
Shame, 1992.
experience involves
experiences of exposure, and the uncoveri ng of sensitive,
i nti mate and vul nerable parts of the self. The self i s
experienced as bad, defecti ve and wanti ng (needi ness i s part
of the experi ence). Lynd (1971) sees shame as the outcome of
exposure to oneself of parts of the sel f that have been
unrecogni sed because there i s a reluctance to admit to these
qualities. Self-disli ke, self-condemnati on and self-denigrati on
are promi nent i n shame. What i s common to all shameful
3
experiences is that an i ndi vi dual has not li ved up to his
personal expectations. A number of writers conceptuali se thi s
as a fal li ng away from the standards set by the ego ideal. The
exposure i s not onl y to others but also i nvol ver' s exposure to
one' s own eyes. Shame i s associ ated wi th hel plessness,
weakness and l oss of control; i t is an experi ence i nvol ving
i ntense feeli ngs of pai nful embarrassment, humil iated anger
and a sense of devastation. There are feel ings of shri nkage
and di mi nuti on, which is quite the opposite of feeli ng a rooted
sense of competence and sel f worth.
Shame has a harsh and
We live in an atmosphere of
shame. We are ashamed of i ntransi gent character. It i s
everything that is real about us,
i rrati onal and absol ute and
ashamed of ourselves, of our
relatives, of our incomes, of our
there seems no possibil ity of
accents, of our opinions, of our
experience, just as we are
anythi ng bei ng better. It
ashamed of our naked skins.
i nvolves feel ings of
George Bernard Shaw. Man and
Superman.
contami nati on, i mpuri ty and
Ashamed of the many frailties
poll ution. We are unutterably
they feel within, all men
wrong; we are unlovable and
endeavour to hide themselves,
their ugly nakedness, from each
unworthy of any care or
other, and wrapping up the true
motives of their hearts in the
attention, only deservi ng
specious cloak of sociableness,
critici sm and negative reactions
and their concern for the
common good, they are in hopes
from others. There i s no hel p for
of concealing their filthy
appetites and the deformity of
us, no possibili ty of
their desires. Bernard Mandeville.
i mprovement because of a
The Fable of the Bees. 1714.
sense of unalterabl e defi ci ency
l odged deep inside the sel f. We are conspi cuous i n our
weakness, quite transparent, our badness vi sibl e for al l to see.
We compare oursel ves wi th others who seem i mmeasurably
superior.
Some writers have descri bed shame as i nvol vi ng a
percepti on of sel f as unsati sfactory, di mi ni shed, hidden and
di sgui sed (Thrane, 1979), compri sing feel ings of weakness,
abnormali ty, dirtiness (Wurmster, 1987), incl udi ng such
4
emotions as shyness, bashful ness, modesty (Nathanson, 1987),
and an emoti on experi enced al one (Al onso and Rutan, 1988)
and i mplyi ng a l oss of l ove (Lewi s, 1971). Pi nes (1987) states
that all authors agree that the shame experience can be
si gni ficantly li nked to loss of self esteem, to feeli ngs of
i nferi ori ty and failure, and hence to the i ssue of narci ssi sm.
Morri son (1983) also sees shame as i nvolving a defect or
fai lure of the sel f l eadi ng to a decrease in narci ssi stic sel f-
esteem. The pai n experienced i n shame i s seen to be linked
wi th a sense of fail ure about what we are as well as that we
would wi sh to be, either for ourselves or for others. Green
(1982) sees shame as "the l ot of fatali ty, a mark of the wrath
of the gods, a mercil ess puni shment barely rel ated to an
obj ecti ve fault, unl ess it be that of immoderation". For Lynd
(1971), shame has a close connection with the sense of
i dentity and i nsi ght. It i s provoked by experi ences that call i nto
question our preconceptions about oursel ves. It compel s us to
see oursel ves through the eyes of others and to recogni se the
di screpancy between their perception of us and our own
oversi mpli fi ed and egoti sti cal conception of oursel ves. It i s
clear that thi s must have implications for psychotherapy groups
i n which an i mportant part of the process i s to recei ve
feedback from other group members, to "see ourselves through
other' s eyes" (Foulkes, 1964).
The emoti ons of shame are i ntol erable and may quickly
be el i mi nated from consci ousness. The experience i s of a
painful reducti on of the sel f and a scorchi ng sense of bei ng
known and /or seen by others. It i s isolati ng i nvol vi ng lack of
trust, and feeli ngs of exposure, fail ure and i nabil ity or
unworthi ness to bel ong. I am ashamed of what I am, which
i ncludes my whole being and because of thi s an experience of
shame can only be overcome i f there i s a change i n my whol e
self.
5
Some commentators have seen the shatteri ng of trust as
an i mportant aspect of shame, of whi ch the sense of suddenly
bei ng out of key with the worl d i s i mportant. The
unexpectedness of shame creates feel ings of powerl essness
that may i ncl ude feeli ngs of humil iati on. Other commentators
have wri tten about the way in which shame separates us from
others because it feel s i ncommunicable, and al so because of
the nature of the relati onshi p with others that comes with
shame: of bei ng i nferior, reduced and deni grated, with no
possibi li ty of i mprovement, redemption or forgiveness. I t i s
persecutory and all ows no area of sel f- affi rmation. Horner
(1979) states that behi nd the feeli ng of shame stands the fear
of contempt which i nvol ves fear
of abandonment, of bei ng
They are of those that rebel
against the light; they know not
emotionally starved. We can see
the ways thereof. The murderer
rising with the light killeth the poor
that attachment theory and
and needy, and in the night is as a
i ssues of separation anxi ety are thief. The eye also of the adulterer
waiteth for the twilight, saying, "no
relevant i n thi nki ng about
eye shall see me"; and disguiseth
his face. In the dark they dig
shame: the quality of
through houses, which they had
attachment i n shame- prone marked for themselves in the
daytime; they know not the light.
i ndividual s i s based on anxi ety,
For the morning is to them even as
the shadow of death; if one know
an anxi ety i nvol vi ng the
them, they are in the terrors of the
shadow of death. The Book of Job.
expectati on of engagement i n
Pocket Canon. Canongate Books.
hostil e, critical and
1998.
unsupporti ve rel ati onshi ps. Thi s
may al so evoke a powerful fear of separati on.
"Not knowing" can al so evoke shame: not knowing
i nformation that we assume others in the group share
di sconnects us from group membershi p. I t i s a symbol of our
i nadequacy, our unworthiness to be i ncluded and to
parti ci pate. Lack of connecti on wi th others i s the most
shameful of experiences and has the potenti al to sti r up
Oedi pal fears of excl usi on, and anxieti es about an inabil ity to
compete, and our personal worthi ness to be able to be
6
accepted and rel ated to as an equal in the group. We may well
feel that, i f we seem to l ack the ski lls to partici pate in the l ife
of a group, or i f we have broken the rules of the group, for
whatever reasons, that thi s i s the greatest shame. We are
di sconnected, i solated, shameful and alone, despi sed for our
i nabi lity to participate and to know the rul es of engagement.
The only possi bi lities that appear open to us may be to avoid
contact with the group, to drop out of participation altogether,
and to i sol ate oursel ves. The most diffi cult thing would be to
bri ng our shame and devi ation from group standards and norms
openly to the group, even though this may enable us to
reconnect with group membership. The fear i s that our
shameful ness wil l only be confirmed. "Knowi ng too much" or
bei ng too cl ever can al so be a source of shame since it creates
the possi bi lity of provoki ng envy and critici sm i n others and
can be confused wi th self-di splay and narci ssi stic wi shes. Thi s
may be the source of anxi ety about maki ng interpretati ons or
sharing perceptions about other group members, on the part of
group members as wel l as the group therapist.
I t i s al so the case that shame that i s brought into the
group, whether this i s unadmitted but neverthel ess obvi ous to
group members at an unconscious or conscious level, or
whether it i s di sclosed, i s contagi ous and can easi ly "infect"
other group members, evoking shame in them. Thi s evoked
shame may relate to memori es and associations about ones
own experi ences of shame, or it may be connected with shame
concerning group events, for example, the shame of havi ng
provoked shame i n another, or the shame of having damaged or
hurt another. The wi tnessi ng of i ntense shame can, i n i tself,
feel shameful , and create feel i ngs that can be experi enced
both as unmanageabl e and persecutory. Scapegoating of the
shame-fil led group member can then occur in an attempt to
avoid and escape from feel i ngs of shame. Thi s process, then,
has the capaci ty to be ei ther constructi ve, if other group
7
members are abl e to share thei r own feeli ngs of shame, i n
which case the shame- fi ll ed i ndividual rejoins the human
community, or destructi ve, if shameful feeli ngs are experi enced
as unmanageable, and the shame-fi lled i ndi vi dual i s then
i sol ated i n hi s feeli ngs of shame, or attacked and scapegoated.
When a shameful act has occurred, and most especi al ly
when thi s act has broken a cultural taboo, such as an abusi ve
act of any ki nd, shame has the potential to paralyse group
functioni ng. I n this situation, shame can sil ence a group, either
by actual ly stoppi ng al l communicati on or by creating a group
di scussion i n which the
For some are in darkness/And
shameful act i s onl y referred
others are in the light/And those in
the light can be seen/Those in the
to tangenti al ly or through
darkness cannot be seen. Bertolt
Brecht. Threepenny Opera.
group association but i s never
abl e to be grasped and spoken
The origin of narcissistic rage must
be sought in the childhood
about di rectly. The emoti onal
experience of utter helplessness
vis a vis the humiliating selfobject
atmosphere of the group may
parent. ....Such experiences of
then feel extremely unsafe,
helplessness are unbearably
painful, because they threaten the
and there may be the feeli ng
very continuity and existence of
the self.... Wolf, E. (1988).
of a horrific centre that cannot
Treating the Self: Elements of
be spoken about and has to be
Clinical Self Psychology. Guilford
Press.
avoided at all costs. The abuse
i nfi ltrates the group, and persecuti on i s in the ai r. One' s words
can then feel abusi ve and si lences are equal ly abusive.
The functi on of the group therapi st, and i ndeed of the
group, in thi s situati on, i s to speak about the group cli mate
and to connect it wi th the event that cannot be di scussed. The
task for the group i s twofold: it may have to, in time, act as a
reali ty tester, and condemn the act for what i t i s. This may
come as a reli ef to the perpetrator, si nce hi s fantasy of
condemnation may be much more extreme than any reali ty. It
al so has to reconnect the perpetrator wi th the wider human
community, and it can only do thi s by showing an interest i n
the motivations and dynamics behi nd the act and by other
8
group members acknowledging similar desires, anxieties, ways
of defendi ng themselves, and repetiti ve and potentially
destructi ve behaviours. Thi s l eads to a positive group outcome
i n which "the horror" i s defused through dialogue, mutual
understandi ng and identi ficati ons. Negati ve outcomes result
when a group i s unable to enter into di al ogue, and remai ns
frozen, and when a group needs to see the shamed i ndi vi dual
as different from themselves and proj ects all the shame into
that i ndividual, and thi s can lead to scapegoati ng.
These tasks are best achi eved i n a stranger group that is
structured with the traditional boundaries of regularity,
consistent space and ti me, confidenti al ity, and so on. When
thi s scenari o applies to a different type of group, for example a
work group, in which there are ongoing working relati onships
and where there are real -l ife di fferences i n status, authority,
and power, and historical shames associated wi th rivalry,
competiti veness, envy, jeal ousy, depri vi ng others of
opportuni ty, favouriti sm, greed, "havi ng too much", "needi ng
too much", "gi vi ng too l ittle", avoi di ng responsi bi lity, damaging
or not supporti ng others, etc., then deali ng wi th these
difficul ti es within the work group may not be possi bl e. Thi s
appli es especial ly when the shameful act has been commi tted
by someone i n an authority, and therefore parental , posi ti on i n
the work group, especially i f the transgressor has continued
power of patronage and reward over group members. In thi s
case there may wel l be si gnificant gri efs and l osses. When the
parental figure i s di spl aced there i s fi ghting i n the group,
which may be as much about ways of deali ng wi th gri ef, l oss
and uncertainty as with feel ings of anger or competi ng for
positi on. Aggression and hosti lity towards the leader, based on
transference, can pl ay no small part i n these transactions and
an i nabil ity to process feeli ngs of disappoi ntment and betrayal
by the group can easily l ead to a spi ral of anger, hosti lity, and
other unmanageabl e feeli ngs. Any unresolved anger towards
9
parental figures wil l be evoked: di sappointment and
di si ll usi onment with the current l eader wil l provoke rage,
anger, and wi shes to retal iate and humi li ate the deposed
l eader. The tables wi ll be turned.
"Rul es of procedure" may be evoked by some to provide a
secure hol di ng i n a new situation of uncertainty and anxi ety,
and by others the rules of procedure are used aggressively and
as a shami ng tool to puni sh the transgressor. The abil ity to
thi nk careful ly about why the rules of procedure have been
establi shed and to come to an
There is a good reason the
adult j udgement about the
words "shameful" and
"shamelessness" define the
transgression wil l often be lost.
same conduct. You know
I n thi s cli mate of fear and
you've behaved shamefully if
you have exposed other people
accusati on i t is difficult for
to needless annoyance or
embarrassment. You don't
others to share their own areas
know you've behaved
of uncertai nty or deviation from
shamelessly if you don't get
this point. Christopher
"proper" procedure. It i s clear
Hitchens. The Death of Shame,
Vanity Fair, March, 1996.
that the "rul es of procedure",
whatever thei r reasonabl eness
Terror acts powerfully upon the
body, through the medium of
and val ue, can have a rol e i n
the mind, and should be
employed in the cure of
defendi ng members of the group
madness....... Fear,
agai nst shame. If they are
accompanied with pain, and a
sense of shame, has sometimes
adhered to they can provide
cured this disease. Bartholin
speaks in high terms of what
reli ef from feel i ngs that one may
he calls "flagellation" in certain
be cri ticised by the group, thus
diseases. Benjamin Rush.
Medical Enquiries and
sticking to them provi des a
Observations Upon the
Diseases of the Mind, 2nd ed.,
"safe area of practi ce". It i s al so
7, 1818.
fai r to say that a strict
adherence to the rul es can someti mes function to support a
sense of professional omni potence, of boosti ng self-esteem,
perhaps at the cost of making others feel inadequate and
shameful. The cost may be to creati vi ty and innovati ons i n
practice and the rul es may be used by group members to resi st
potentially val uable innovations i n practice only because they
10
provide securi ty and an il lusory sense of certainty. An
i nnovator may therefore be scapegoated and shamed i n order
to mai ntain thi s defence. I t i s al so cl ear that the rules may
al so, at ti mes, become persecutory for some or al l group
members and i t can then be seen that thi s type of instituti onal
and social defence can easi ly break down and become
i neffecti ve and counterproducti ve.
When the leader has narci ssi stic traits, and shows no
obvious shame, avoiding responsibil ity for her actions or
perhaps subtly blami ng others (the victi mi ser becomes victi m),
i t i s even more difficult for i ndividual s i n the work group to
deal with thi s trauma, and there may be si gnificant spl itti ng
and taking sides in relation to the group leader, which
complicates workpl ace dynamics consi derably. Of course,
narci ssi sts al so break the rul es, i n the spirit of "the rul es do
not apply to me" or because they do not possess the abi li ty to
empathi se wi th others and therefore do not understand, at a
deep l evel, the rati onale for the rules i n any way that is
connected with ordi nary human relatedness, or because
breaking the rul es i s part of a general i mpul si veness: acti ng on
feel ings without thought. These l eaders have consi derabl e
potential for destructi on wi thin groups partly because they do
not possess the abi li ty to protect themselves due to the lack of
an antici patory social antennae that i s abl e to accurately
foresee soci al consequences.
Addi tional ly, if the l eader i s i n the position of having
created the organisation or is seen as representi ng the
ori gi nator of the organi sation because the mantle of successor
has been bestowed by the deceased l eader or the group, their
fal l wil l create many problems of self-esteem and shame wi thin
the group and i ndividual s wil l then feel deval ued and worthl ess
and wi ll perceive that the organisation has been devalued in
the eyes of the outsi de world. There may well be problems in
reforming a secure identi ty for "the sons of Adam" and
11
difficul ti es for a successor. However, i t may be that, i n some
cases, there i s a heal thier outcome and that the fall of an
i deal i sed father figure enabl es hi s "sons" to form an identi ty
separate and differenti ated from the ideas of the ori ginator.
Thi s, i n ti me, may produce a healthi er and more creati ve
organi sati on than would have been the case i f the leader' s
i deas and achievements had been ideal i sed.
It i s worth adding that, on occasi on, the narci ssi st may
persi st i n exposing thei r shameful conduct and conti nue to
publ icly humi li ate hi m or hersel f because of a wi sh to humili ate
an i nsti tution or work group that has been experienced as
rej ecting that i ndividual as a
A man desires praise that he may
result of the exposure of the
be reassured, that he may quit of
his doubting of himself; he is
shameful act. In thi s case
indifferent to applause when he is
confident of success. Alec Waugh. conti nued publi c confessi on
On Doing What One Likes.
mi ght be seen as an
Every man has his follies - and
expression of aggression
often they are the most interesting
thing he has got. Josh Billings. agai nst that group, a wi sh to
shame the i nsti tuti on by
It was when I found out that I
could make mistakes that I knew I
associ ati on, and perhaps
was on to something. Ornette
Coleman.
additi onal ly by aggressi vely
reveali ng further shameful
No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent. Eleanor
behaviour that has occurred.
Roosevelt.
There may be a wish to bri ng
One of the misfortunes of our time
that i nstituti on or work group
is that in getting rid of false shame
we have killed off so much real
down, rui n its reputati on, and
shame as well. Lois Kronenberger.
Company Manners: A cultural
cast doubt on the l egiti macy of
Enquiry into American Life, 1954.
the group. Thi s behaviour may
If one is ashamed, there is no
al so be based on a wi sh to
better remedy than to practice
benevolence. Mencius (371?-289?
provoke scapegoati ng in order
B.C.).
to li mit or communi cate
unbearabl e feel ings of exposure, shame, and humil iation. Thi s
may be a repetition of earli er group or family experi ence.
12
The group may al so deal with these difficul ti es by either
el ecti ng an i nadequate replacement leader or making sure that
the l eader i s i nadequate and wanti ng. The l eader i s then a
group expressi on of group- wide feel i ngs of shame  and i s a
communicati on about these underlying feeli ngs  and thi s
l eader may then be scapegoated. This process may free the
fol lowers from the shame (for a ti me), si nce the leader i s made
to carry al l the feel i ngs of shame for the group, unless the new
l eader i s abl e to fight back against these proj ections. It i s also
possibl e that the el ection of a shameful leader may represent a
wi sh for publ ic exposure on the part of  the group . Of course,
all of the above defensi ve manoeuvres have as an outcome
that the real and ori gi nal cause of anger and aggressi ve
feel ings more easil y escapes the wrath of the group. I n focal
confl ict theory terms this scapegoat sol uti on may represent a
restrictive sol ution to the above confli cts.
The shame prone indivi dual shares some characteri stics
wi th those characteri si ng borderli ne and narci ssi stic
personali ty di sorders. Al onso and Rutan (1988) note that in
cases of extreme vul nerabil ity, as i n some narci ssi stic and
borderli ne di sorders, shame domi nates the emoti onal l ives of
these pati ents who have a li felong vul nerabil ity to regression
on experienci ng feel ings of shame. Rycroft (1968), using a
somewhat earl ier conceptuali sati on
Past shame, past grace.
of the nature of these di sorders,
Saying.
sees shame as a neurotic symptom
Doubt is the brother of
occurring i n schi zoi d indi vi dual s who
shame. Erik Erikson,
Childhood and Society,
both overval ue themselves and
1950.
possess i nsight i nto the fact that
The only shame is to have
their self-overval uati on i s not none. Blas� Pascal.
Pensees.
shared by others.
Shame operates most
Another slant on the same area
strongly in our early years.
i s expressed i n Fairbairn' s concepts Samuel Johnson. Notes
Upon Shakespeare.
of endopsychic structure and the
Shame is like an atomic
particle; we often know
where it is only by the trace
13
it leaves, by the effects it
causes. Michael Lewis.
Shame, 1992.
anti libidinal ego. The craving sel f that longs for a tantali sing
obj ect can be understood as the self that i s shamed by the
unavai labil ity of a responsi ve other. In Fai rbairn' s system, the
pri mary anxiety i s separati on anxi ety, and the response of the
i nfant i s to i nternal i se the spl it i mage of the pri mary object i n
an attempt to have control over the bad and frustrating parts
of thi s obj ect. The i nternal saboteur, i n Fai rbairn's system,
which i s i dentified with the rej ecting object, has a cl ose
relationshi p wi th shame, since it directs aggression the
l ibidi nal sel f, as wel l as towards the rej ecting object, for being
so needy and dependent. An addi ti onal idea i s that i n the
"moral defence" the external obj ect is kept as i deal and good
at the cost of the infant feel ing bad, worthl ess, and
undeservi ng of love. The emotion of shame may well be an
i mportant moti vating or driving force behi nd the resulting
behaviours and feel ings towards the sel f which Fairbairn says
are "self-defeati ng beli efs and repetitive behaviours."
Feeli ngs of shame, additionally, are inti mately associated
wi th the reci procal emoti ons of di sgust and contempt. Shame
i mpli es a fal l i n status withi n a particul ar group in the shame-
full persons mi nd, and thi s felt status i s often transmi tted i nto
the real relationshi ps withi n the group by a process of
emotional communi cation perhaps largely based on body
l anguage and eye contact (the process of proj ecti ve
i dentification). The shame-ful l i ndi vidual i s then perceived as
i nferi or by the group which may well become ti ed to a moral
ordering i n that group (someone i s inferior, to blame, at fault,
l acki ng, or responsi bl e). Attached to thi s lack of status, wi ll be
either real or imagi ned feeli ngs i n the other of di sgust or
contempt, and the presence of these feeli ngs wi ll rei nforce the
fact that one i s of l ower status and deservi ng of contempt.
Contempt i s reci procal ; contempt for onesel f leads to contempt
i n the other which then rei nforces self-contempt. Contempt
j ustifies scapegoating and other aggressi ons. Shame, is then,
14
as I have indicated previously, an important social emoti on,
which defi nes our status and standi ng in the group.
Bul lyi ng (or scapegoati ng) frequently i nvol ves an attempt
to humil iate, whether i t occurs i n the school playground, the
fami ly, the workplace, or at the l evel of the nati on. The bul ly
acts to shame and to humi li ate and to use any difference in
power i n order to do this. The viol ence connected with bul lyi ng
more often ari ses from a high sel f- val uati on based on a
narci ssi stic sel f- apprai sal, i nvolving egoti sm, an infl ated sel f-
concept, and arrogance. Perpetrators of bul lyi ng are typi cal ly
peopl e who thi nk very hi ghly of themselves. The bullyi ng or
abuse frequently occurs when the favourable view that
i ndividual has of hi msel f i s threatened or questioned by others
and the scapegoati ng more readi ly occurs i f that indi vidual 's
self-assessment i s not supported by actual achi evements. In
this situation, threats to self-esteem can prick narcissistic
self-i nflati on, and an aggressi ve response, bearing li ttle
relation to the provoki ng situati on may be the result. These are
i ndividual s who tend to be threatened by any di spl ay of
competence i n another that threatens thei r own self-
assessment. The response i s to shame and humi li ate the
i ndividual who has threatened self-
I never wonder to see men
esteem. Thi s, of course, i nvolves
wicked, but I often wonder not
to see them ashamed. Swift.
the process of projecti ve
Thoughts on Various Subjects.
i dentification, which may be
The most curious offspring of
extremely destructi ve and
shame is shyness. Sydney
Smith. Lecture on the Evil
persecutory, particul arly i f the
Affections.
scapegoated i ndividual i s
He who frequently becomes
susceptibl e to taking up and
embarrassed in the presence
of others is regarded as
accepting these projecti ons.
suffering from a foolish
unjustified sense of inferiority
The above dynamics al so
and in need of therapy. Erving
appear in fami li es, and can be
Goffman. Interaction Ritual,
1967.
seen powerful ly in fami li es where
In common usage one is
chi ldren become scapegoats. The
primarily ashamed of oneself,
while one is primarily
embarrassed about one's
presented self. A. Modigliani.
15
Embarrassment and Social
Influence, 1966.
fol lowing baby observation provides an i ll umi nati ng example of
the feeli ngs that may fuel thi s type of family i nteraction. Thi s
male chil d was 18 months ol d when thi s observation occurred.
Dami en was sitting between his parents on the
settee playing with a plasti c toy. He seemed to
become bored wi th the toy, threw it aside, and he
pul led himself up to a standing position on the back
of the settee. He cl ambered over the knees of hi s
parents and repeatedl y pul led himsel f to a standing
positi on for some mi nutes. Suddenl y, his mother
began to shout at hi m, tell ing him to get down from
the back of the settee. Thi s surpri sed and shocked
the observer who had discerned no difference i n
Dami en s behavi our from that of the previ ous fi ve
minutes. The suddenness and unexpectedness of
this together with the vol ume, harshness and
aggressi on i n the mother s voi ce together produced
the sense of shock and surpri se. Dami en s father
qui ckl y joined in.
Dami en initiall y seemed i n shock, in a frozen
state. He then howled and seemed extremel y
distressed. Hi s parents continued their criti cism and
eventuall y provided comfort.
The above example is typical of i nteractions in thi s
fami ly. The observer was struck by the i nconsi stency of the
parents who seemed to l aunch aggressi ve attacks of Damien
for l ittle reason, completely unpredictably. She eventually
came to understand that one moti ve for their behavi our was a
wi sh to avoi d bei ng shamed and criticised by the observer.
They felt that the spontaneous behaviour of thei r son was
 bad and needed to be restrai ned and controll ed. The
observer often felt that her gaze became persecutory to these
16
parents and thei r response to thei r son was an attempt to
avoid critici sm and shame i n the eyes of the observer as well
as a transmi ssion to Dami en of the experi ence of bei ng
shamed.
How is Shame Recognised?
How is Shame Recognised?
How is Shame Recognised?
How is Shame Recognised?
Shame can be di fficul t to recognise in the therapeutic
setti ng si mply because i t i s so difficult for patients to express
these feel i ngs verbal ly. Mittwoch (1987), for exampl e, revi ews
how pati ents with strong doubts about thei r acceptabili ty may
wi thhold what i s felt to be shameful until a late stage of
treatment, or not at al l. To acknowl edge shame may onl y ri sk
i ntensi fyi ng the shame, and the usual response i s to keep
shame hidden and consi gned to an auti stic, unrelated part of
the personality i f shame i s consci ousl y experienced. When it i s
not consciously experi enced we are in the area of "bypassed
shame", where the successful repressi on and eli mi nation of
feel ings of shame make them rel ati vely i naccessible to the
therapeutic process. Thi s di fficulty i n recognition may be added
to by the therapi st' s difficul ty in tol erating and thus
recogni sing thi s persecutory
I always take blushing either for
and painful emoti on in the
a sign of guilt or ill breeding.
William Congreve. The Way of
event of the therapi st havi ng
the World.
unresol ved problems in thi s
Her blush is guiltiness, not
area.
modesty. William Shakespeare.
Much Ado About Nothing.
There are, however, ways
The man that blushes is not quite
of recogni si ng the i ndirect
a brute. Edward Young. Night
mani festations of shame.
Thoughts.
Lewi s (1971) notes that
Whatever else, embarrassment
has to do with the figure the
certai n words may be
individual cuts before
i ndicati ve of an experi ence of others....The crucial concern is
the impression one makes on
others. Erving Goffman.
American Journal of Sociology,
17
1967.
shame. He suggests that the foll owi ng words are often used by
peopl e experi enci ng shame: uncomfortable, i nsecure, uneasy,
tense, blank, confused, smal l, worthl ess, i nadequate, stupi d,
fooli sh, si lly, wei rd, hel pl ess, unable, weak, i di oti c, stunned,
alone, di sconnected, al ienated, spli t, i mpotent. These words
al ways communicate a state of being i n a certai n type of
relationshi p wi th others involvi ng an awareness of how we
appear in their eyes. Overt speech content may be concerned
wi th the deficiencies of the sel f, or what should have been
said, or mi ght have been sai d. Lewi s al so suggests that words
such as resentful, bitter, spi teful, or an i ndication of hol di ng a
grudge are often l inked to shame and rage experi ences. Thi s i s
because the person who causes us deep resentment and
bitterness may well have been an i ndi vi dual who has created i n
us an experi ence of deep shame and humili ation. Kinston
(1983) focuses on how an i mportant i ssue or feel i ng can be
hidden behi nd words and behavi our and these often invol ve
feel ings of shame. Exampl es are when a word or phrase makes
somethi ng appear l ess severe or painful or downgrades an
event, when there i s a resort to abstracti on, talking i n general
or oblique terms rather than referri ng to speci fic people or
events, a deni al or rati onal isation of a feeli ng, defensive
i ndifference, verbal withdrawal, di straction, changing the topic
of conversati on, projecti on - di scl ai mi ng the experi ence as
one' s own and placing it i nto others, and the frequent use of
"fi ll ers" such as "you know", etc. Rapi d speech may al so point
to an experience of shame. Characteri stic defences are to deny
shame, to repress i deas, to counter-phobically affi rm the self,
to negate the other, and to engage in confl ict and violence as a
protecti ve measure (these last two can be understood as
exampl es of projective identi ficati on i n which the other i s made
to experi ence feelings which are unable to be tolerated and
are, as a consequence, l ocated outsi de of the sel f). It i s al so
clear that confession may be a defence agai nst shame (as i n
18
Nathaniel Hawthorne' s "Scarl et Letter", i n which publ ic
confession and exposure l ead to the reli ef of a hi dden and
secret shame). I n a group context, confessi on is often a
positi ve event, l eadi ng to the reduction of auti sti cal ly
unrelated shame and a positive real ity-testi ng of what are
often greatly exaggerated feeli ngs of personal fai lure and
responsi bi lity.
Lynd (1958) suggests that there are common defences
agai nst shame. One defence i s to i nhi bit all exposure so that
no shame i s ri sked, refusing to recogni se the traumatic
feel ings and usi ng the mechani sms of depersonali sati on and
adaptati on. Horner (1979) al so sees defences as behavi ours
that wi ll restore the sense of
There can be nothing more
i ntegrity of the self, be it
humiliating than to see the shaft of
one's emotion miss the mark of
through schi zoid wi thdrawal ,
either laughter or tears. Nothing
more humiliating! And this for the which shuts out the obj ect and
reason that should the mark be
i ts di stressi ng and traumati sing
missed, should the open display of
emotion fail to move, then it must
i mpact, or through repression,
perish unavoidably in disgust or
contempt. Joseph Conrad, A which prevents awareness of
Personal Record. 1912.
i ntrapsychic conflict. Lynd terms
Shall it for shame be spoken in
another defence "counter
these days, Or fill up chronicles in
time to come, That men of your
shame", a ki nd of mani c denial
nobility and power Did gage them
of shame in which an i ndividual
both in an unjust behalf (As both
of you, God pardon it! have done)
seems to be shamel ess. Lynd
To put down Richard, that sweet
lovely rose, And plant this thorn,
al so feel s that bypassed shame
this canker, Bolinbroke? And shall
i s frequently associated with
it in more shame be further spoken
That you are fool'd, discarded, and
paranoid ideati on, constructed
shook off By him for whom these
shames ye underwent?
to rationali se unacknowl edged
Shakespeare. First Part of King
shame.
Henry 4th.
Lewi s (1971), additionally,
Contempt is the weapon of the
weak and a defence against one's
says that shame may l ead to a
own despised and unwanted
wi sh to turn the tables and to
feelings. Alice Miller.
tri umph over the other. Shame
There's nothing in this world can
make me joy. Life is as tedious as
may be warded off by argui ng,
a twice-told tale Vexing the dull
ear of a drowsy man; And bitter
shame hath spoil'd the sweet
world's taste, That it yields nought
19
but shame and bitterness.
Shakespeare. King John.
anger, and bl ami ng which shames the other and may l ead to
arguments about who i s to bl ame, wi th each i ndividual
attempti ng to avoid the transfer of, and the experience of,
shameful feel i ngs. Therefore, resi stances can range from
passive wi thdrawal to rebelli ous acting out. We can understand
both of these defensi ve techniques as reli evi ng shame by
produci ng a feel ing of strength to the sense of self (Mil l er,
1989). Arrogance and grandiosity can therefore be defences
agai nst shame as can the defence of emoti onal aloofness.
Compul si ve trai ts have al so been seen as defences agai nst the
expression of sadistic i mpul ses and as attempts to make the
self perfect so that shameful feel ings of i nadequacy wil l not be
experienced (Mi ll er, 1989).
When the relationshi p
Pride goeth before destruction
between pati ent and therapi st
and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 14:18.
has a tendency to be shame-
fil led, transference issues are
There are multitudes of men and
women who... attempt to get rid
heightened i n intensity, and
of the sense of moral failure by
identifying themselves with
el evate the therapi st as a
groups which condone or
si gni ficant transference figure
approve the indulgences which
they are either unable or
i n which the i ssue of
unwilling to give up. Anton T.
Boisen. The Exploration of the
relationshi ps wi th authority
Inner World: A Study of Mental
fi gures wil l rai se di fficult i ssues
Disorder and Religious
Experience, 6, 1936.
of sel f esteem and the
The guilty think all talk is of
management of the pati ent' s
themselves. Geoffrey Chaucer.
self concept and sel f structure.
The Canon's Yeoman's Prologue,
The Canterbury Tales, 1390?, tr.
Such anxieties may be
Nevill Coghill, 1951.
expressed as an anxi ety about
The root of the guilt problem lies
whether stayi ng in therapy is
in human nature itself, in our
failure as human beings to live in
i ndicati ve of the pati ent s
accordance with our potentialities
and our vision of the good. J.
strength, or of weakness,
Glenn Gray. The Warriers:
passivity, victimi sati on or
Reflections on Men in Battle.
1959.
submi ssi on to a control li ng,
A great many people feel "guilty"
cruel , therapi st. Courtoi s (1988)
about things they shouldn't feel
guilty about, in order to shut out
feelings of guilt about the things
they should feel guilty about.
20
Sydney J. Harris. Chicago Daily
News. 1971.
addresses how pati ents may proj ect their shame onto their
therapists, expecting to be held i n the same contempt they
have for themselves. They may al so feel that they are
undeservi ng of the therapi sts posi ti ve attention and experi ence
anxi ety that the therapi st wil l eventually di scover their hidden
badness. Thi s may be based on an expectation of a re-
enactment of non-protecti on or bl ame that may have been
experienced i n chil dhood.
Sti erli n (1977) examines how, in shame, an i ndi vi dual
typically tries to massively bl ot out or avoid self-observati on,
to metaphorical ly close hi s eyes or deny what has occurred. In
the group thi s may mean that shame and guilt are avoided by
emphasi si ng the sameness of
everyone (a common defence
I am ashamed of confessing that I
have nothing to confess. Fanny
wi th patients who experience
Burney.
agoraphobic- type anxi eties),
We would frequently be ashamed of
and by denying and avoiding
our good deeds if people saw all the
motives that produced them.
confl ict. All members try to
Francois, Duc De La Rochefoucauld.
prove that they will not hurt
Success always occurs in private,
each other either in real ity or
and failure in full view. Anon.
i n fantasy. There may be a
Many a man is praised for his
reserve and so-called shyness when
denial of destructiveness (i n
he is simply too proud to risk making
reali ty or fantasy) i n an
a fool of himself. J.B. Priestley. All
About Ourselves and Other Essays.
attempt to create a feeli ng of
When they discover the centre of the
harmony and togetherness.
universe, a lot of people will be
disappointed to discover they are not As discussed above,
it. Bernard Bailey.
feel ing that one i s weak, soft,
Honest criticism is hard to take,
l ovi ng or tender can evoke
particularly from a relative, a friend,
an acquaintance, or a stranger. shame. Avoidance of shame
Franklin Jones.
may i nvol ve a shami ng of the
Whilst shame keeps its watch, Virtue
other. In the group thi s
is not wholly extinguished in the
heart. Edmund Burke. Reflections on
i nvolves a "tradi ng" of
the Revolution in France, 1790.
proj ective identificati ons i n
Pelican Books edition, 1968.
which each i ndi vidual sees
Shame is a disease of the last age;
this seemeth to be cured of it.
Marquis of Halifax. Political, Moral
and Miscellaneous Reflections, 1750.
21
hi mself as havi ng a specific and li mited difficulty that is felt to
be caused by another or others in the group, and which can
only be al levi ated by that other person or persons. There i s
thus a complicated network of perceptions about others and
di ssociations about onesel f i n which each i ndi vidual locates a
parti cular quality of feeli ng i n another. Foul kes (1964)
di scussed thi s in terms of the concept of the group matri x. One
group member, in di sowni ng personal weakness, may shame
another by projecti ng onto or into them these di ssociated
aspects of the self.
Alonso and Rutan (1988) al so feel that the negati ve
therapeutic reaction i s often related to the probl em of
reawakened but unexpressed shame. Here, the negati ve
therapeutic reaction i s a defence agai nst the shami ng that i s
experienced as i ssui ng from the therapi st or the group.
Lear (1987) al so proposes that a number of anxieties
ari se in group therapy that are rel ated to shame: The anxi ety
that i t is a second rate treatment because there i s only one
therapist to so many pati ents; the fear that the pati ent wil l
l ose hi s identity i n the group; that he wil l be unabl e to foll ow
what i s happeni ng, wil l be unabl e to present a coherent
problem; that somehow word of what happens i n the group wil l
get round to associ ates or family; a fear of losing control of
feel ings, that previ ous shameful group experiences will recur,
that one wil l become tongue-ti ed or one' s mi nd wi ll go blank.
These fears may evoke hidi ng tactics such as i rrel evant talk,
rapi d change of group or personal topics, sil ence or confusi on,
pressure on the conductor to be control li ng, and putti ng a
group member i n the l imel i ght, with possibl e constructi ve or
unhel pful consequences. Lear suggests that the fear in shame
i s that of abandonment, so that events of parting or departure
i n the group are likely to evoke past experiences of shame. The
fear of abandonment and of bei ng compl etely i solated is
mentioned frequently in the l iterature on shame. Viewed i n the
22
l i ght of attachment theory, we mi ght assume that the pati ent is
anxi ously attached to the therapi st or group, and that thi s may
be a repeti ti on of feel ings and anxieties evoked in earli er
experiences. Seen i n thi s li ght, it then becomes i mportant that
we try to foster a secure attachment to the group and to the
i ndividual s withi n i t when we treat shame- prone i ndi vidual s.
I t i s my own impressi on that patients who experience
difficul ti es with shameful feel ings frequently seem
"impenetrabl e" to the therapi st and other group members.
These are pati ents who keep the therapi st, and others, at a
di stance by
wi thdrawing, constant
Someone must have slandered Joseph K.
because one morning, without his having
tal ki ng about trivia that
done anything wrong, he was arrested.
Franz Kafka, opening words, The Trial,
does not yi el d to
1925, tr. Willa and Edwin Muir, 1930.
comment or
Alt. trans. Someone must have slandered
i nterpretation, or other
Josef K., for one morning, without having
done anything truly wrong, he was
tacti cs which create
arrested. Tr. Breon Mitchell.
di stance. The danger is
(The point, here, is that K. is arrested not
that premature attempts
because of what he has done (guilt), but
because of who he is, and he is, with no
wi ll be made to
warning, slandered, exposed and
penetrate these
precipitated into a reality in which his
defectiveness and culpability is obvious to
defences before the
all eyes. It is interesting that K.'s change
of status seems to come as no surprise to
pati ent is ready, which
anyone - certainly not to the other
only increases characters in the book, and, it can be
argued, not to K. himself, as if K.'s
resi stance and shame,
underlying shamefulness had been
obvious to all before the novel begins.
or leads to non-
Nothing that K. can do will change the
attendance or judgement of others (or his judgement of
himself?) and he is unable to find an
wi thdrawal from the
explanation for his arrest because it
concerns his whole state of being in the
group. It i s i mportant to
world, the fact that he exists at all. It is
interesting that Eric Fromm discusses the
recogni se the fears
"authoritarian conscience" in The Trial,
behind these defences.
whose virtue is obedience and greatest
crime disobedience. These internal object
Once penetrated, if thi s
relations to an authoritarian other might
well be reattributed to a relationship to a
i s premature, there may
shaming other).
be no further defence
23
agai nst intense shame and humil iated exposure. The pati ent
feel s, and i s, defenceless. In thi s situation, the only way
forward i s to hel p the patient to re-establ i sh defences so that
they can conti nue i n the therapeutic process.
One subset of thi s type of pati ent i s the group member
who anxiously adapts to the needs of the therapi st and group,
attuning himsel f to the needs of the situation, rather than
bei ng abl e to explore hi s own needs and feel ings. The
transference rel ationshi p here may be towards a potenti al ly
shami ng other who wil l cri tici se and be unable to tol erate any
i ndependence or demonstrati on of sel f- wil l or creati vity, and
the adaptati on i s one of presenti ng a subdued, uncreative,
featureless persona that wi ll not di spl ease or provoke hosti lity.
Developmental Antecedents of Shame Experience
Developmental Antecedents of Shame Experience
Developmental Antecedents of Shame Experience
Developmental Antecedents of Shame Experience
Most authors l ocate the ori gi n of shame i n early life and
see the shame prone i ndividual as bei ng i nterrupted i n a
devel opmental process. Erikson (1950) states that a lasting
propensi ty for shame and doubt ari ses from a l oss of sel f-
control and a correspondi ng "foreign" over control i n the chi ld's
relationshi p wi th others. Thrane (1979) asserts that shame i s
debil itati ng when the child i s a mere extensi on of the parent
and i s denied the opportuni ty for self-devel opment. Ki nston
(1983) describes how the chi ld i s caught i n a pai nful bi nd of
either pursui ng self-i nterests and devel opment or bei ng a
narci ssi stic extensi on of the parent. I f the chi ld exi sts as
hi mself, there is rej ecti on and/or resentment i n the parent. I f
the chil d compl ies, the result i s a destructi on of that chil d' s
experience and li vel iness.
24
Demos (1983) describes three components necessary for
the devel opment of a healthy sense of sel f-esteem and which
are often mi ssi ng in the shame- prone child: 1) a sense of
competence. 2) A wi ll i ngness to trust i nner experi ence 3) a
feel ing of rel atedness or lack of i solati on. When a child cannot
devel op these qual ities there i s a struggl e with feel ings of
shame and/or a lack of a sense of sel f. Mol lon (1984) asserts
that a basic experience of shame occurs when the sel f reaches
out and i s met wi th an
True guilt is guilt at the
unresponsive or
obligation one owes oneself to be
oneself... False guilt is guilt felt
uncomprehendi ng maternal
at not being what other people
feel one ought to be or assume envi ronment. Thi s can also
that one is. R.D. Laing. Self and
occur if the mother i ntrudes on
Others. 1961.
the baby at a stage that i s too
Use every man after his desert,
and who should 'scape whipping? soon for the baby to be able to
Shakespeare. Hamlet, 1600.
tol erate and manage the
Out, damned spot! out, I say!
sti mulation. Mol lon' s view i s
Shakespeare. Macbeth, 1605.
that many pati ents who are
Guilt,n. The sense of sin as seen
parti cularly shame- prone seem
through your own eyes, as
distinguished from shame, which
to have controll ing mothers who
is the same thing viewed through
the eyes of others. Edmund
deval ue the father and need to
Volkart. The Angel's Dictionary:
undermi ne the i ndependence of
A Modern Tribute to Ambrose
Bierce, 1986.
the chil d in a variety of ways.
Guilt is a private shame; shame
This conceptualisation suggests
is a public guilt. Anon.
that an experi ence of
i nvalidati on and disconfi rmation, which may not be restricted
to the chi ld al one, i s the envi ronment i n which the shame-
prone i ndividual devel ops. I n thi s environment, i t i s onl y
possibl e for the chi ld to i nternal ise the parent i n a context of a
dependent, submissi ve, and admi ri ng relationshi p. The child
has to "be something" for the mother, rather than the si tuati on
i n a more ordi nary environment in which the mother
accommodates to the chil d, and thi s l eads to i ntense and
painful feeli ngs of abandonment.
25
Lear (1990) al so suggests that shame and humili ation
experiences are a result of early assaults on the self. Loss of
an attachment, then, i s accompani ed by feeli ngs of intense
shame and disi ntegrati ve anxi ety, since the i nevi table
conclusion the chi ld draws i s "I must be bad i f I am rej ected".
In order for the chi ld to be relatively shame-free i t needs to
attain a sense of mastery and self-control. The question of the
secure formati on of a sense of identity i s cruci al . The
questions that arise, i n the shamed state, are crucially
questions of i dentity: "What i s my identi ty?", "Whose is my
i dentity?" and "What is my value?". It i s unquestionably the
case that a sense of competence, and of being abl e to val ue
the self which thi s i s based on, can only be attai ned, early i n
devel opment, through contact wi th si gni ficant others who val ue
the chil d and accept the child for what he i s. Thi s idea
underpi ns, for exampl e, the concepts of Bi on' s containi ng and
Winnicott' s holdi ng, which have been the subj ect of much
psychoanalytic thought and conceptuali sati on. The therapeutic
i mplicati on is that a pri mary task of therapy i s to aid and to
foster a sense of bei ng val idated and val ued when worki ng with
the shame-sensitive pati ent.
We must al so remember
So live that you wouldn't be
that si gni ficant caretakers may
ashamed to sell the family parrot
to the town gossip. Will Rogers.
not be enti rely at fault in
Be not ashamed of making
fostering the development of
mistakes and thus make them
the shame- prone indivi dual . The
crimes. Confucius.
evidence of, for example, baby
The most important thing is to be
whatever you are without shame.
observati on shows that some
Rod Steiger.
babi es are temperamentally
more needy and therefore
"difficult" than others. I t i s al so true that wi der fami ly, si bl ing
and community i nfl uences can have important effects on the
devel opi ng chi ld. Thus, there i s a continuing i nfluence,
throughout the course of development, on psychic structures
26
that may mitigate the experience of shame. If thi s were not the
case it woul d not be possible for group therapy to i nfl uence a
pathol ogical sense of shame.
The identi fication the chil d makes with the parent,
however, does seem cruci al . In "On Narci ssi sm", Freud (1914)
was the fi rst to di scuss a type of pathol ogy ari sing from a
di sorder of i dentificati on i n childhood, resul ti ng i n faulty
i dentification with others and an associated ideal i sation of the
self. Thi s type of di fficulty mi ght now be conceptual i sed as a
type of narci ssi stic di sorder. Fairbairn (1952) wri tes
specifically about i dentification and the shame experi ence
seei ng a connecti on between shame and a repeated experi ence
of being i n relationship wi th a "bad obj ect". Si nce a chi ld' s
feel ings about hi mself are determi ned by identi fication, he
comes to feel that he is hi mself bad i f he experiences hi s
parents as bad or even shameful. Lovi ng feeli ngs may then, by
associ ati on, come to be seen as shameful and bad.
I n cl inical work with fami li es in di stress, parents are
often seen who shame thei r chi ldren for thei r weakness,
i neptness, messiness or badness. Such perceptions often seem
divorced from the reali ty of the chi ld' s behaviour and actual
mi sdemeanours and there i s often a lack of empathy on the
part of the parent for the chil d' s sufferi ng under thei r assaul ts.
I t i s easy to understand that the si ns the chi ld i s accused of
are actual ly based on the parent' s disowned feel i ngs and
i mpul ses. Thi s i s a form of scapegoati ng which may be
repeated i n the group, si nce the shame- prone person may
natural ly present hi mself or herself as a scapegoat. The nature
of thi s repeti tion then needs to be understood before that
i ndividual can be freed, firstly from the sense of fault that i s
the basi s for shame, and then the behaviour that causes the
repetition of the shami ng si tuati on.
Broucek (1982) suggests that early forms of shame
appear by the fourth month of li fe, coi nci dent with facial
27
recogni ti on of the mother and dependent on the i nternal
di sturbance experienced when the communication-ready i nfant
fi nds that the mother does not warml y respond to hi s or her
affect. Shame ari ses from, and later becomes differentiated
from, the "acute distress state" of i nfants. Thi s occurs when
the i nfant expects responses to its own communicati ons that
fai l to arri ve, leading to
Corporal punishment is as
di sappoi ntment and shock. humiliating for him who gives it as
for him who receives it; it is
Thi s acute di stress state
ineffective besides. Neither shame
nor physical pain have any other
occurs prior to the emergence
effect than a hardening one. Ellen
of the sel f as self- Key, The Century of the Child, 8,
1909.
representati on. Thus, for
Having been poor is no shame, but
Broucek, shame appears at
being ashamed of it, is. Benjamin
around the ti me that the baby Franklin.
i s devel opi ng hi s identi ty and a
A sovereign shame so elbows him;
his own unkindness, That stripp'd
begi nning i ndivi duali ty. I am
her from his benediction, turned
her To foreign casualties, gave her
essenti al ly in agreement with
dear rights To his dog-hearted
thi s, but I woul d place the
daughters - these things sting His
mind so venemously that burning
antecedents of shame even
shame Detains him from Cordelia.
Shakespeare. King Lear.
earli er than four months. I wi ll
use an excerpt from a baby
There smites nothing so sharp, nor
smelleth so sour as shame. William
observati on report to cl arify
Langland.
thi s.
The god of soldiers, With the
consent of supreme Jove, inform
Thy thoughts with nobleness, that
thou mayst prove To shame
invulnerable, and stick i' th' wars
Baby Observation Extracts:
Baby Observation Extracts:
Baby Observation Extracts:
Baby Observation Extracts:
Like a great sea-mark, standing
every flaw, And saving those that
Experiences of
Experiences of
Experiences of
Experiences of
eye thee! Shakespeare.
Coriolanus.
Fragmentation
Fragmentation
Fragmentation
Fragmentation
Exampl e One
Example One
Exampl e One
E xample One
I would now l i ke to present two fragments from two
separate baby observation sessions on the same chil d i n order
28
to il lustrate my thinking about the antecedents of shame
affect.
First Observation
First Observation
First Observation
F irst Observation
Becky is ten weeks ol d. She cri es almost constantl y
throughout the hour- long observati on. It is as if
there i s an internal source of persecuti on, whi ch,
despite the comfort her mother tries to provi de, can
onl y be temporarily, amel iorated. Her cries are shri ll
and the observer experi ences them as increasingl y
i ntolerable over the period of the observation. The
observer wonders how her parents are abl e to cope
wi th such a needy and di stressed baby day after
day. They tal k about thei r difficulties and the
contrast with their relati vel y easy fi rst baby.
During thi s session, the observer noti ces Becky, on
a number of occasi ons, seeming to "hold" hersel f by
focusing intensel y on a source of li ght, either the
l i ght from the window or the l ight from the shade on
the cei ling. She fixes her eyes on the li ght, seemi ng
to "clamp" herself to i t, as i f gl ued to thi s di stant
obj ect. The l i ght seems the most important obj ect in
her immediate universe, and the fixed attachment to
i t has a quali ty of intense need and a desperate
cl ingi ng to thi s obj ect. It seems to the observer that
she is trying to cli mb out of her physi cal body, the
source of her sense of persecution, trying to lose
hersel f i n thi s external object. However, the
adhesion to the l ight is easi l y lost; a sl i ght noi se, a
sl ight change in the way her mother rocks her,
breaks contact with the l ight. I t i s as if an invisibl e
thread, wi ll ed into exi stence, i ts path foll owing the
29
ri gidl y maintained l ink between eye and the source
of li ght, had suddenly snapped. The resul t i s a
sudden shock, Becky's head recoil s as i f the string
had been cut, Becky is "in body" agai n, and franti c
and desperate cryi ng ensues. The experience seems
to be one of terror, fragmentati on, shock,
disintegration and di sorgani sation.
I would suggest that thi s experience i s aki n to shame: of
suddenly experi encing traumatic l oss of control, persecuti on
related to non- holdi ng and lack of contai nment, an experi ence
of fragmentation and di sorgani sati on, and perhaps most
i mportantly the l oss of connecti on with the needed object,
pl ungi ng the sel f into a situati on of aloneness and isolati on.
Becky seems to be experi enci ng
People generally bear guilt more
easily than a sense of inferiority. abandonment by any containing
Anon.
obj ect, deprived of comfort, she
People in our culture have a
seems compl etely alone in the
morbid tendency to avoid blame,
because they do not wish to take mi ddle of a persecuti ng
the trouble to change their
envi ronment (does she l ocate
conduct in any way: blame
avoidance and blame-
thi s persecuti on insi de, i s there
transference are therefore
endemic amongst us. These are a difference between i nternal
substitutes for repentance and
and external at this age?). In
renewal. Behaviour Research
Project (Texas), in Lewis
this state, she becomes
Mumford, The Conduct of Life,
1951.
"impenetrabl e", ordi nary
comforting i s not enough, and
We are all exceptional cases. We
all want to appeal against
the effort to contai n her
something! Each of us insists on
being innocent at all cost, even if
di stress becomes exhausting for
he has to accuse the whole
her parents. Her eyes had
human race and heaven itself.
Albert Camus. The Fall, tr. Justin
establi shed a contai ni ng
O'Brien, 1956.
relationshi p wi th the source of
Blame is most readily averted by
l i ght (rather than to her mother,
being so much like everybody
else that one passes unnoticed.
perhaps eye fi xation i s here
John Dewey. Introduction to
Human Nature and Conduct: An
si mil ar to the function of eye
Introduction to Social
Psychology, 1922.
30
contact when the baby i s at the breast). Shame, i n the feedi ng
relationshi p, may relate, at thi s early stage, to a di sruption i n
contact with the mother, when eye contact and the l oss of a
sense of connection with the mother i s l ost. It i s interesting
that there i s good reason to suppose that Becky suffered from
a powdered mi lk intolerance in these early months that made it
difficul t for her to feel that the the mothering she received was
comforting, soothing, non- persecutory, and rel iabl e. It may be
the case that establi shi ng eye contact and a pseudo- feedi ng
relationshi p wi th a physical l ight source was a desperate
attempt to soothe hersel f and to establ ish some external
source of comfort that was more i n her control than her own
mother. When Soya mi lk was substituted, Becky suddenly,
l iteral ly overni ght, became a more contented baby who was
much more able to use the rel ationshi p wi th her mother. It
seemed to the observer that, from one week to the next, he
was observi ng a different baby.
It i s interesting that music also served a soothi ng
function. The observer vi sited at the ti me when a popular soap
opera was transmitted on TV. I t was quickly noted by the
observer that, on the occasions that the TV was on, Becky
i nstantaneously responded to the first bars of the theme tune
at the begi nning and end of the programme. Even when she
was i n acute di stress, she had been cryi ng constantly for 20
mi nutes, and her mother' s best attempts to soothe her had
fai led, she became entranced at the sound of the music, she
directed her attenti on to the source of the sound, and she
stopped cryi ng. Thi s occurred even in the mi ddle of fami ly
bustle and noi se, but it was not uncommon for her parents to
respond to thi s with an al most mystical sil ence, as i f
somethi ng si gnificant was happeni ng, there was a sense that
the si lence should not be broken and there was a feel ing of
sharing i n an i mportant experi ence. Her mother tol d the
observer that thi s music had seemed to cal m Becky even in the
31
womb and she had told her husband, who had been sceptical,
that her baby was respondi ng i n this way. Becky conti nued to
respond to thi s theme musi c i nto the second hal f of the second
year of her li fe, al though more infrequently than before.
From my own struggl es in l earni ng to pl ay an i nstrument I
can say that one of the most i mportant aspects of music is the
presence of a rel iable pul se, even if thi s changes, throughout
the music. There is nothing that wil l more rel iably destroy the
l i stener' s pleasure i n a pi ece of music, even more than
accurate i ntonati on, than an unreliable or absent sense of
pul se. Why should thi s be the case? My own thoughts are that
pul se i n musical performance performs the function of rocking,
comforting, and hol di ng, harki ng back to the basics of
mothering i n early i nfancy. Our early experiences, then, may
well determine our li kes and di sl ikes i n music, how predi cable
we l i ke musi c to be, how well we can tolerate compl exity,
ambi guity, unpredictabi li ty, and the presence of conflict and
di stress in music. How far are we able to wander from a secure
base? Or, on the other hand, are we tied to a ri gi d and
absol utely predictabl e base and unable to explore anythi ng
more demanding or different. To seek out music at only one
emotional level seems i mpoverished, yet thi s may be the
predomi nant mode of music- seeki ng in our own society, and
perhaps thi s i s partly infl uenced by soci ety-wide infl uences
such as marketi ng pressures and class identi ficati on (and the
whol e i ssue of i denti ty: seeking to defi ne an i dentity in one's
choice of music, which group one belongs to, how music
defi nes a certain type of sel f-concept, how choice i s based on
whom one wi shes to i dentify - adds a further l ayer of
complexity). And how much i s a compul si ve need to col lect or
catalogue based on a need to fil l a needi ness that i s based on
the l ack of parental care gi vi ng in thi s early period?
32
Second Observation
Second Observati on
Second Observation
S econd Observati on
Becky is 20 months old at the ti me of this
observation. Shame, and blame, in thi s famil y, i s
associated with not showi ng that one is grateful ,
bei ng "sel fi sh", or wasting or refusing what i s
offered. Thi s seems to be based on an anxiety that
resources may not be suffi ci ent and whether there
wi ll be enough to go round, but the result i s an
i nsistence on rigid patterns of sharing whi ch can
l ead to diffi cul ti es in meeti ng the indi vi dual needs
of the chil dren.
I n thi s observation, Becky refused to gi ve up a toy
to her brother Davi d. Mrs M. i nsists that Becky gi ve
the toy to Davi d. There i s anger and criti cism i n her
voi ce and manner. Becky screams, whi ch takes the
observer back to the earl y observations, since the
qual ity of crying and her di stress are similar to that
I saw i n earli er months. Her present experience
seems to be one of shame in response to
disapproval, feelings of abandonment, and rage
towards the source of shame.
Exampl e Two
Example Two
Exampl e Two
E xample Two
The fol lowi ng observati on i s of a three-month-ol d baby.
These parents had been very infl uenced by an i ncreasingly
popul ar text advocati ng creati ng strict regi mes for the baby
from an early age. Their persi stent advocacy of thi s manual
and approach could be taken to i ndicate a high level of
underlying anxi ety that was, however, conceal ed by an
apparent sel f-confi dence and defi niteness of viewpoi nt 
al most proselyti sing for thi s approach. The observer felt that
33
thi s self-confidence was a symptom of a persi stent ri gi di ty,
concreteness of view, and an i nabi lity to empathi se with the
di stress of their chil d and she fel t that the i mpositi on of a
regi me was a substitute for the l ack of a real empathic abil ity.
On thi s occasi on two relati ves of Susan, the baby s
mother, were vi siti ng for lunch. Susan had prepared
the meal and had j ust sat down wi th the guests
when her baby, Ben,
began to cry. He had
Authoritarian organisations are
past masters at deflecting blame.
been left with his father
They do so by denial, by
rationalisation, by making i n another room.
scapegoats. Norman F. Dixon. On
Al though Ben s cri es
the Psychology of Military
Incompetence, 1976.
became piercing and
Ah! Take flight away from human distressing, and the
sight, go, find some consolation!
observer felt impel led to
Shall I stay? Shall I climb the grey
hills in fearful desperation?
respond to the baby and
Through this world I seek in vain,
and my grief wins no relief for all
distressed at the
my bitter shame, while the servant
stridency of the baby s
wins a traitor's name. Translation
of text to J.S. Bach's St John
cries, Susan was
Passion, by Peter Pears and
Imogen Holst from the recording
apparentl y unaffected
by the English Chamber Orchestra
and she sat unti l she
conducted by Benjamin Britten.
(Tenor aria following Peter's
had finished her meal.
thrice-repeated denial that he
knows Jesus. In the bible, shame
Her onl y response was
has the power to be destructive
to comment, in an
unless it is overcome by seeking
forgiveness. It is most often
annoyed way, that Ben
experienced when an individual
has acted against God. So, in the
was angry and in a rage,
New Testament, St. Peter is
as i f thi s was not
ashamed after he denies Christ,
but he is able to accept God's
permissi bl e and as i f
forgiveness. In contrast, Judas
Iscariot, who betrayed Christ to
she had mi ssed the level
the authorities, was unable to seek
of distress that was al so
forgiveness and was driven to kill
himself as a result).
apparent to the
There is a shame that bringeth sin,
observer. The observer
and there is a shame which is
reflected, afterwards,
glory and grace. Ecclesiasticus
4:21.
34
that her partner seemed to feel that he had to cope
wi th the baby by hi msel f and had no permi ssion to
i nterrupt Susan s meal so that she could take care
of the baby.
The observer went to the adj oining room to continue
observing the baby and was tol d by Daniel, the
baby s father, that Ben was probabl y hungry.
However, he seemed to feel that he could not
i nterrupt Susan to sati sfy the baby s need. Ben s
cries became increasingl y insistent and distressed.
When Susan eventuall y emerged Ben was too
distressed, i nitiall y, to take the breast. After an
attempt to calm Ben by singing to him (an oft-
repeated song that the observer felt often had a
qual ity of being imposed on Ben i n an intrusive way
rather than responding to him), Susan tol d him,
angril y, to  Shut Up .
The above i s just one example of si mil ar situati ons during
the course of thi s observati on. Susan seemed to view her
baby s needs and Ben s expression of these needs as
mani pulative. Her vi ew was cl early that, i f she gave in to the
baby s demands, she would  spoi l the baby and only increase
these demands. She seemed to vi ew Ben s di stress as wi lful,
aggressive, and manipulative.
One can only hypothesi se about the li kely effects of such
parenting, but it seems not unreasonable to conjecture that
thi s baby has a high l ikel ihood of feel ing ashamed of neediness
si nce hi s mother could not al low hi m to express needi ness and
she was unable to respond to hi s needs i n a si mpl e and di rect
care-taking manner. In later l ife he mi ght wel l become an adult
who feel s ashamed of being needy (but who i s al so vastly
35
needy) and who tries to conceal these needs through a variety
of defence mechani sms.
The Potential Space and the Therapeutic Process
The Potential Space and the Therapeutic Process
The Potential Space and the Therapeutic Process
The Potential Space and the Therapeutic Process
It seems, to my mind, to be the case that the shame-
prone person has never acquired an effective transiti onal
obj ect, and there is therefore a defici t in the area of the
transitional space. I wil l argue that the pri mary aim of therapy
wi th these i ndividuals i s to faci li tate the creati on of an
effective transiti onal space. Thi s i mpl ies the creation of a
presence where there was
previously an absence. I
Man is the only animal that
blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain.
understand thi s i n terms of
Guntri p' s descri ption of non-
Emotional Appeal: the attempt by
advertising to stir up negative or
relating as "the presence of an
positive emotions to motivate a
purchase. Much marketing and
absence" and hi s descri pti ons
advertising is geared towards
of the internal worl d as bei ng
creating fear, guilt, shame, love,
pride, or joy in the potential
popul ated by dead objects i n
customer rather than evoking
dispassionate appraisal on the
the schi zoid state (Guntri p,
basis of objective criteria.
19). The task, then, i s to
Dictionary of Business, Oxford
University Press. 1996.
popul ate the i nternal worl d
Doth not even nature itself teach
wi th more vital and ali ve
you, that if a man have long hair,
obj ects by providing
it is a shame unto him? But if a
woman have long hair, it is a glory
relationshi ps i n the group that
to her. 1 Corinthians. ch. 11, v.
14.
"get i nside" and revital ise the
personali ty. It al so i mpl ies that there i s a new abil ity to play. I
wi ll argue that shame i s the pri mary affect underlyi ng di sorders
of the sel f, the primary emotional reali ty we relate to in these
di sorders, and that we need to understand and affect i f therapy
i s to be successful.
The concept of the transiti onal obj ect i s cl osely tied to a
number of other psychoanalytic concepts. It i s, for exampl e,
36
associ ated with the development of self-soothi ng capaciti es,
which i s i n turn related to the idea of the "holding
envi ronment" i n which a mother provi des an effecti ve holding
relationshi p for the baby. Winni cott (1951) di scusses the
mother' s capaci ty to provide thi s secure holdi ng relationship i n
her rol e as the "environment mother" which enables the i nfant
to fi nd its self. Bion (1970) thi nks about thi s i n terms of
contai nment, which concerns the mothers internal processing
of the infant' s anxi ety. Holdi ng i s therefore an interpersonal
process, an "arms around" rel ati onshi p i n which, i f al l goes
well , the baby i s able to take it for granted and just "go on
bei ng". I n this way, the baby i s abl e to bui ld up i nternal
obj ects, based on i ntrojecti on of aspects of the cari ng
relationshi p it has been exposed to. The rel ati onshi p wi th the
envi ronment mother thus enables the baby to buil d a sense of
self and to develop a relationshi p with a transi ti onal object,
"the first not- me possession". By i nteracti ng wi th the
transitional object, the baby can act as i f it i s in full control of
i ts mother. However, when chi ld reari ng emphasi ses the needs
of others at the expense of the sel f there i s a di screpancy
between the true and the fal se self. A suppressi on and denial
of the true self then occurs.
Although the concepts of contai ni ng and hol di ng are
descri pti ons of simi lar processes i n therapy, there are
i mportant di fferences. Wi nnicott (1965), for exampl e, says that
a therapi st often conveys "i n words at the appropriate moment
somethi ng that shows that the analyst knows and understands
the deepest anxiety that i s being experi enced", but with more
di sturbed patients "the mai n need is for an uncl ever ego-
support, or a hol ding. Thi s "hol di ng", l i ke the task of the
mother i n infant-care, acknowl edges tacitly the tendency of the
pati ent to di si ntegrate, to fal l for ever". Bion' s concept al so
relates to an early stage of development i n whi ch the i nfant
uses methods of communicati on that predate the abi li ty to
37
thi nk. It i s a more acti ve concept than that of holdi ng, and Bi on
tal ks about the need of the mother to process the i nfant's
communicati ons and to turn it i nto thought. The process of
gi vi ng meani ng to unverbali sed and unprocessed
communicati ons i s i mportant here, i nvol vi ng the eventual
formul ation of an interpretati on which gi ves the pati ent a
feel ing of bei ng understood and therefore contai ned.
By the ti me that the transitional object i s formed, the
mother' s soothi ng abi lities come to be part of the self. A sense
of mastery and competence comes about as a result of the
mother respondi ng to the i nfant' s cry - it can then connect its
own activity with rel ief from di stress. If al l thi s i s adequate
there occurs an i nternali sati on of comforti ng functions, the
gai ning of ego defences agai nst anxiety, and the development
of basic trust. A situation, which i s able to evoke a feeli ng that
the envi ronment i s basi cal ly trustworthy, may well be the most
si gni ficant aspect of thi s developmental phase. Trust comes
from a sense of bei ng held, an understandi ng that there is a
"bei ng held", and a bel ief that relationshi ps wil l contain, and
be wil li ng to contai n, anxiety.
Thi s may be thought of as related to the devel opment of a
"potential space" in which inner and outer reali ti es can
i nteract, and where there i s a sense that an outer world,
separate from the self, exi sts (Wi nnicott, 1975). The chil d
di spl ays thi s potenti al i n demonstrating the abi li ty to pl ay
symboli cal ly, which can only occur when there is a sense that
the worl d i s safe enough. The abil ity to play ari ses from the
devel opment of a transitional space. The necessity for
relationshi ps which embody trust is of maj or i mportance;
wi thout trust anxi ety fragments attention and concentration
and makes i t i mpossibl e to play.
38
Therapy with the Shame Prone Individual in the Group
Therapy with the Shame Prone Individual in the Group
Therapy with the Shame Prone Individual in the Group
Therapy with the Shame Prone Individual in the Group
I f we are to take the above seriously, i t i s clear that the
hol di ng envi ronment of therapy i s requi red to be di fferent from
that of chi ldhood and/or that of potentially shami ng
i nteractions that are currently anticipated i n working wi th the
shame- prone i ndi vi dual . We may be thi nking here about a
pati ent who possesses l ittle psychic space to play and who has
to be hel ped to create the potentiality of playi ng, by creating
an area i n the mind or in the group that i s playful.
The general ai m, in therapy with shame-prone people, is
to hel p indi vi dual s to tol erate the experi ence of shame, to
accept i t and to be able to share it with others i n the group.
Thi s expression of shameful feel i ngs hopeful ly assi sts in
reducing feeli ngs of i solation and the avoidance of closeness
and i nti macy that is part of the shameful experience. The ai m
of becomi ng completely shamel ess, which is a common wi sh
and fantasy of group members, i s of course unattainable, and
persi stence i n thi s expectation merely fosters a cycle of
wi shed- for perfection and ulti mate shame.
A ful l understanding of the role of shame i n groups can
only be achieved when it i s understood that the nature of the
group therapy situati on i s that exposure i s enforced, about
what one says or does not say, about what one does or does
not do, about what one i s or i s not. The group experi ence
i nvolves changi ng percepti ons and call i ng i nto question ways of
behaving and thinki ng, and patterns of attachment and
relationshi p and thi s process may wel l evoke shame, but wil l
hopeful ly create more self-awareness. However, shame i nvolves
a feeli ng of self-exposure, so that the chance of conflict
between the therapeutic goal s and the wi sh to conceal i s
al ways a potential. The group i s an extremely powerful
therapeutic force, which i s i nti mately ti ed to i ts capaci ty to
evoke powerful feel ings of shame. I f feeli ngs of shame become
39
too i ntense, thi s may result i n a stubborn and persistent
negati ve therapeuti c reacti on.
Many writers have taken the view that, if faced up to and
di scussed, shame can be amel iorated i n the group context, and
that di scl osure of shameful feel i ngs i s necessary for
therapeutic success. Al onso and Rutan (1988), for exampl e,
state that reduction of shame sets the stage for better
i ntegrati on of sel f and a subsequent i ncrease i n sel f- esteem
that furthers personal devel opment. Lynd (1971) takes the
vi ew that "i f shame can be fully faced, it can inform the self,
and become a revel ation of onesel f, society and of the human
si tuati on". Although I am i n broad agreement with thi s vi ew, I
al so feel that, i n some cases, exposure to the group process
and to the di scl osures of others may be powerful enough to
di ssi pate shame wi thout personal di sclosure of shameful
feel ings. When there i s a danger that shameful feeli ngs wil l be
too overwhel ming, i t may be necessary to l et the group have an
i ndirect effect i n thi s way.
How, then, i s the group abl e to be an effecti ve i nstrument
for modi fyi ng probl ems of shame? Thi s i s, of course, closely
tied to the wider question of how the conductor and the group
wi ll be abl e to provide a "good enough", facil itati ng
envi ronment that is abl e to promote growth and devel opment.
Most certai nly, understandi ng, empathy, and an active
adaptati on to the needs of the group members are
requi rements, and may be seen as constituti ng metaphorical
and symbolic repl acements of maternal care. I n my vi ew, what
i s i mportant i s the creation of an atmosphere that enables
pl ayi ng and experimentation with new ways of behavi ng, and i n
thi s process "i nterpretati on" may be of secondary i mportance.
The therapeutic setti ng may be said to provide a "potential
space" for the group members, an intermediate area of
experiencing that goes on between group member and group
member, group member and conductor, group member and
40
group, al lowi ng the emergence of a transitional process from
which transitional obj ects and phenomena can devel op along
wi th a capacity to pl ay. The use of language as an area of
shared experience i s an i mportant aspect of thi s process -
l anguage that does not quite bel ong either to you or to me, but
which bel ongs to the shared space of the group, i n-between al l
group members.
Thus, the major function of therapy can be seen to be
analogous to that of the pri mary motheri ng person in i nfancy.
The group matri x is abl e to repair defici ts by faci litating
organi sati on and integration of various aspects of the self. The
group matri x can al so facil itate the attachment process and the
associ ated increased tolerance of loss and separation.
To my mind, bei ng abl e to facil itate and enable pl ayi ng i n
the group i s extremely i mportant. What do I mean by "pl ay?"
First, that group members begi n to question and then to modi fy
their i deas about the world. In pl ay, fantasy is all owed to
mi ngl e with reali ty. The group member i s abl e to make up
stories, twi st, moul d, or mani pulate ideas. In doi ng thi s there
may well be a sense of taki ng control over somethi ng that
previously seemed uncontroll abl e. Play i s the abil ity to modi fy,
to experi ment wi th, and to mani pulate previously ri gid ideas
about the world. Part of thi s i nvol ves a change i n perception of
the group conductor and other group members, so that an
i ndividual begi ns to percei ve that someone has some
characteri stics different from those previously assigned. A
process which i s l ikely to be curati ve of shame wi ll i nvol ve a
beni gn group experience in which expected cri ticism does not
occur, and a feeli ng of bei ng accepted, despite one' s fai li ngs
and faults.
A real advantage of group psychotherapy i s the possibil ity
of vi carious experience. Thus, the group member can learn that
others share feel ings and a sense of shame, without bei ng
exposed to overwhel mi ng exposure. If the group i s abl e to
41
become a beni gn and potenti al ly benevol ent experience, the
group member may eventually be able to reveal hi s shame.
Theoretical ly, the therapist can assist through hi s clari fication,
enli ghtened judgements, and forgiving acceptance. Acceptance
by other group members may hel p in that they tal k about thei r
own di fficulties and thi s makes the group process easier and
l ess daunti ng. Al onso and Rutan (1988) suggest that, si nce
shame i s rel ated to l oss, the enforced constancy of
membershi p creates courage and the possibi li ty of re-
establi shi ng empathic contact i f thi s i s felt to be broken or
wi thdrawn. Thi s constancy provi des the opportunity for a
corrective emoti onal experi ence. They al so suggest that the
group provi des an opportuni ty for empathic mi rroring and
acceptance i n which sel f- esteem can grow and that sel f- esteem
i s al so enhanced by the fact of havi ng membershi p i n a val ued
community. In thi s way, tol erance for the i mperfect sel f grows
and shame comes to be seen as part of the human experi ence
rather than as a pai nful , corrosi ve and demeani ng experi ence.
Group members who are prone to experi ence shame
frequently come from fami li es where shame, scapegoating and
other traumatisi ng dynamics are endemic. A proportion of
these indi vi dual s wi ll have conti nui ng li fe experi ences of being
victi ms of others, of being bl amed, humi liated and shamed in
relationshi ps. I n a group, other group members may then enter
i nto a particular type of relati onshi p wi th these i ndividuals,
based on a scapegoating dynamic - scapegoati ng i n group
contexts can be understood as an attempt by the scapegoaters
to deny and to attack a hated part of the self,
acknowledgement of which cannot be tolerated. Group
members attack another group member who "stands in" for
their fear of and anger towards their own passivity and vi cti m
hood, and there i s bl ami ng and shami ng of the group member
who i s the reci pi ent of proj ections.
42
Anna Freud fi rst discussed the defence of identi fication
wi th the aggressor, and thi s may wel l be another aspect of the
above situation. The aroused hosti li ty and aggressi on towards
a scapegoat i n the group can be di sturbing and unsettli ng to al l
concerned, si nce the attacki ng group members cannot avoid
their aggression, and who may feel shame about thei r
behaviour. The group contai ner may become shame- full, which
may well hinder open exploration of group processes and
dynamics. I f there i s abl e to be an honest acknowledgement of
feel ings of hosti li ty, anger, shame and gui lt, and an expl orati on
of roles and i dentificati ons with the aggressor, victi m, abuser,
or bystander, the group can become a l earni ng experience of
enormous potenti al .
Such expl orati on of the scapegoati ng dynamic may well
not be easy to achi eve. Tantum (1996) suggests that when
aggression i n a group becomes particul arly stuck, as in the
scapegoati ng of a group member, it may hel p i f the conductor
redirects the aggression back to hi mself. However, he adds
that expressing di rect anger towards the conductor i s one of
the most difficul t thi ngs to achi eve in a group and the
conductor' s management of thi s wil l be i mportant i n terms of
contai ning feel i ngs and model li ng the management of difficul t
feel ings in the group.
However, there are some potential dangers in the group
treatment of shame- prone i ndividuals. These difficul ti es ari se
when mirrori ng i s not experienced as empathic but as i ntrusive
and shami ng. Thi s can easily occur and the therapi st must
therefore be constantly aware of the possibi li ty of fuell ing
"mali gnant shame" which may become an encl osed system that
may be difficult to breach or i nfluence. The literature poi nts to
the potenti al difficulties i n treati ng these pati ents. Moll on
(1984) says that the fail ure to take account of shameful
feel ings may seri ously i mpede successful psychotherapy. He
warns that a therapeutic stance that i s obli vious to the
43
pervasi ve rol e of shame i n narcissi sti cal ly di sturbed patients
tends to provoke a sado-masochi stically tinged relationship
and a therapeutic stal emate in which the pati ent i s constantly
struggli ng to master narci ssi sti c i njuries unknowi ngly inflicted
by the therapi st. Goldberg (1988), i n an important and
si gni ficant paper, states that a "therapeutic mi sall iance" may
be due to the cli nician' s slowness i n recogni sing that the
pati ents sufferi ng i s deriving from shame, and that therapeutic
atti tudes based on an explanati on of psychopathology as being
caused by "moral masochi sm" may shame the patient into
therapeutical ly stul ti fyi ng, pseudo-gui lty confessi on. He says
that l ow sel f-esteem subjects, especially, are not hel ped by
attempts to expiate their unconscious gui lt.
Rosenfel d (1978) provi des further help i n thi nking about
managi ng persecutory transferences. He writes:
 When thi s primitive superego is projected onto the
anal yst and he interprets destructi ve aspects i n the
patient which are clearl y shown in the material , in
dreams and in proj ecti on into other people, the
patient i s overwhelmed with anxi ety because he
hears the anal yst saying that he i s 100% bad. Thi s
threatens his whol e sel f wi th death, di si ntegrati on,
and madness, for he wil l try to find omni potent ways
of escapi ng from thi s danger. The pati ent i n thi s
state is unabl e to think about hi s own problems and
i mpul ses because he has l ost the capaci ty for self-
observation, and al l hi s attenti on is focused on the
anal yst who, i n the patient s percepti on, sees the
patient as extremel y bad and destructive. To defend
hi msel f against thi s catastrophe the pati ent
becomes i cil y defensi ve; in addition, he i dentifies
hi msel f wi th the primi ti ve superego and accuses the
anal yst i n a very vi olent manner. The pati ent i s
44
severel y shocked i n thi s situation because
i nterpretations have a terrifying effect on hi m; he
feel s that the analyst, li ke his mother, had not been
able to introject and understand the patient s
proj ected primiti ve superego. At that moment the
process of proj ecti ve i denti fi cation gets out of hand
and a transference psychosi s becomes mani fest
where the patient mi spercei ves the anal yst and
sees her as his superego .
Bei ng  100% bad i s to feel intense shame. Although we
cannot avoid the above dynamics i n therapy, surely we have a
responsi bi lity to thi nk about frami ng our interventions in such
a way as to mi ni mise the possi bi lity that  mali gnant shame or
 transference psychosi s wil l emerge as a long term and
chronic condi ti on.
I t i s, unfortunately, very easy for the group conductor to put
the group i nto "accommodati on" mode, which may merely re-
create the family culture of chi ldhood for some pati ents. In a
recent supervision sessi on, for exampl e, I heard that the co-
therapy pai r had thought that, i n a group for the over 65' s, a
group di scussi on about dogs and dog food had been an
"avoidance" of "real" i ssues. I n thi s si tuati on, an interpretati on
to the effect that the group i s avoiding di scussions of matters
of greater signi ficance may lead to the group feel ing that it has
to sati sfy the exacting needs of the therapi st. The resulting
group cl i mate may wel l consi st of "accommodati on" by the
group members i n order to avoid further shami ng by the
demanding therapist. It i s real ly far better to "val ue" the
communicati ons of group members that are, i n real ity, ri ch
communicati ons about dependency, the need for relationshi ps,
l oneli ness and i solati on. "I nterpretations" are better di rected
to questi ons and comments about the importance of dogs, how
i t feel s to have something dependent on onesel f, etc. If the
45
therapist chooses to focus on group, or i ndi vi dual ,
symptomatology, rather than on tryi ng to understand underlyi ng
causes, there i s a danger that he wi ll be experienced as
repri manding and tel li ng- off. This may l ead to a ki nd of sado-
masochi stic re- enactment in the therapy setti ng. It i s possibl e
to be experi enced, not only as a matter of transference but
al so based on the reali ty of the situation, as bei ng too i ntent
on one' s own therapeutic agenda, to the neglect of the cl ient
and their experience of thei r own world and needs.
What, then, shoul d be an appropri ate therapeutic techni que in
relation to shame? My feeli ng i s that there are two cl ues that
are hel pful to us in fi nding an answer to thi s question. Si nce
the worse frustration the shameful pati ent can feel i s not to be
understood, and since shame and humi li ati on are related to a
fai lure i n the mastery of the self, therapy must take care of
these feel i ngs and fi nd ways of contai ni ng the di stress ari si ng
from these difficulties as it occurs i n the group context. A key
quotation, to my mi nd, comes from Wi nnicott (1975) who wrote,
"It appal s me to thi nk how much deep change I have prevented
or delayed i n pati ents i n a certai n category by my personal
need to i nterpret. I f only we can wait, the patient arrives at
understandi ng creati vely and with i mmense joy, and I now enjoy
thi s joy more than I used to enjoy the sense of havi ng been
clever". The key here is pati ence, humi li ty and trust in the
pati ent s i nnate capacity for growth. Of course, thi s i s not
al ways present or abl e to be uti li sed by the pati ent, but
perhaps it i s al ways present as a potential. However, a real
attempt must be made to avoid premature, destructi ve
exposure. Thi s can be extremely difficul t to accompli sh i n the
case of the most sensiti ve patients we treat. The therapi st
must pri mari ly attempt to buil d trust, which i nvolves a
demonstration of empathic understanding towards the pati ent.
I n thi s enterpri se, there must al ways be an attempt to be aware
of signs of shame and self-esteem probl ems such as
46
experiences of self-di sgust and feelings of inadequacy and
worthl essness.
Thus, it i s i mportant not to be i n too much of a hurry when
faced with a group member who i s prone to experi ences of
shame because too sudden a confrontati on with deep anxi ety,
parti cularly when someone on whom that i ndi vi dual i s very
dependent i nitiates thi s confrontation, can be a traumatic
experience. Mol lon (1984) recogni ses thi s problem when he
di scusses the probl em of the patient devel opi ng a fal se sel f-
formati on, i n thi s si tuati on, i n order to please and perhaps
pl acate the therapi st. Most i mportantly, it seems pol itic for the
group conductor to take care i n focusi ng on guilt-provoki ng
emotions and behavi ours such as rage or greed. Pati ents who
are prone to experi enci ng shameful emoti ons often need a
great deal of support i n order to stay i n touch with feel ings of
empti ness, despair, pai n and anxiety, about which they may
feel ashamed. To focus on thei r fai lings and weaknesses before
they are ready and able to do thi s wi ll only provoke further,
and perhaps debil itati ng, shame. An initial focus, which
achi eves a bal ance between recognisi ng essenti al strengths
and al so some weaknesses, seems a good starting poi nt from
which therapy can devel op. The creati on of a safe environment
that i s faci litating, unobtrusi ve and unwoundi ng is, to my mi nd,
the i ni ti al pri ority. Lear (1990) provides a more detai led
di scussion of how to respect and defi ne defences, and how to
di scourage sel f- revelations too soon or too extensively,
accordi ng to a judgement of what an i ndi vi dual can cope wi th.
Final ly, what can be expected to be a successful outcome to
the treatment of shame di sorders? A common vi ew is that that
i f the pati ent i s hel ped to articulate and understand feel ings of
shame, these become i ncreasi ngly tol erable and l ess
overwhel mi ng i n intensity. Lear (1987), for exampl e, tel l s us
that experience can teach us that shame can have a posi ti ve
val ue and that i f these experiences can be i ntegrated they can
47
be less alarming, and the associated feeli ngs more readi ly
contai ned. Tantum (1990) writes that "recovery from long-
standi ng shame seems to confer a richness of personal ity and
a depth of sympathy wi th others which may be admi rabl e. When
thi s stage i s reached a symbol of shame may be
metamorphosed into a badge of courage". My own thoughts are
i n agreement with thi s perspective: that the success of therapy
wi ll depend on the abil ity of the group conductor, the group,
and the i ndividual group member, to transform a negative,
i ntensely shameful experi ence i nto somethi ng that can be
vi ewed as a posi tive source of growth, sel f- knowledge and
connecti on wi th others. Work on i ssues of shame in the group
l eads to an i ncreased abi li ty to gi ve and recei ve, to be open
and direct, to show concern and care, and to rel ate i n a more
"real" way, rather than from a basi s of conceal ment. These
changes, of course, produce healthi er ways of relating to
others. In pursui ng these goal s, the modality of group therapy
seems to have a great deal to offer, si nce the heightened
evocation of shame makes thi s emoti on potentially more
accessi bl e to treatment than may be the case in i ndividual
treatment.
However, it may be that the main therapeutic factor i s that the
group member feels that he or she i s able to j oi n a community
i n which they feel that they bel ong and are accepted, and even
i ntense shame i s able to be understood, accepted, and most
i mportantly, identified with by other group members. If the
group can convey that shame i s shared by al l and the shame-
fil led i ndi vi dual i s not rej ected but an i mportant part of a
functioni ng group, that i ndi vi dual re-j oi ns the human race.
There may al so be some repai r of damage that may have
occurred i n chi ldhood - i f shame was evoked by experiences of
non-contact and un- relatedness, a sense of belongi ng and
bei ng an i mportant part of a group may, together with the
analysi s, be an important part of any heal i ng that occurs.
48
There i s a possibili ty, however, that thi s may represent an
i deal i sation of group psychotherapy, and that all we can hope
for i s to be abl e to cope better with feeli ngs of shame so that
i t does not occupy the whole picture and i s not completely
overwhel mi ng of the self and its functioni ng.
� Terry Birchmore. 1997.
� Terry Bi rchmore. 1997.
� Terry Birchmore. 1997.
� Terry Bi rchmore. 1997.
49