S.E.CULPEPPER

LOST
WON

S.E.CULPEPPER

iii

S.E.CULPEPPER

OtherBooksintheLiaisonsSeries:

PrivateEye

QuestionMark

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitheraretheproductofthe

author’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingor

dead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.

Allrightsreserved.

ISBN10:1481205072

ISBN-13:978-1481205078

iii

S.E.CULPEPPER

Tomybrother,Heath.Youhavealwaysbeenanamazingpersontolookupto.Ican’timagine

aworldwithoutyourhumorandperspective.Thanksforbeingwhoyouare,forallthehelp

withthisbook,andforwhatyoudo,dayinanddayout.Iloveyou.You’reatrue-bluehero.

AndtoS.P.C.,M.L.T.,andS.I.P.,dearlittleones.

iii

S.E.CULPEPPER

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Asalways,heartfeltthankstomydearfriend,Dale,whohelpssortthesestoriesoutfromthe

veryfirstdraft.

S.E.CULPEPPER

THEPAST…

Sofar,allKevinMcGuirehadtoshowforhis irstnightinCaboSanLucaswasapinched

ass,andthepincherwassomedrunkwomanstalkinghimwithherfriends.Thesituationhad
to get better, right? Especially in a place like this. The air was warm, barely making an
impressionontheeveninghumidity;itwasagoodchangeofpace.

Movinghisrearendoutofstrikingdistanceagain,hehidbehindoneoftheroughhewn

pillarsaroundthedance looruntilMs.DragonClawsgaveuponhim.Hisleftasscheekfelt
likeit’dbeenthevictimofstainlesssteelfingernails.

How different my circumstances would be if I were home in Wyoming with family, he

thought,ignoringthestabofguiltthatfollowed.Kevinhadn’tseenhisparentsandhissister
in months, but he’d needed to get away to cut the tension inside himself. There wasn’t any
energylefttobefakeandoncetheysawhewassostrained,they’dpoundawayathimwith
lovingconcernuntilhesaidsomethinghewasn’tpreparedtosay.

Goinghomewouldn’thaveworkedout.Instead,hewasinCaboataclub,theweirdguy

lurkinginthemidstofdancersandpartiers.Hewasthemeatinagyratingbodysandwich.I
shouldleave,hedecided.Therewerebetterplacestogoto indwhatheneeded—ifhecould
figureoutwhatthatwasexactly.

A song with a heavy beat began and Kevin watched as cocktail waitresses wearing

practically nothing—the club uniform—pushed their way out into the crowd, brandishing
liquorbottlesandpouringshotsoveropen-mouthedclubbers.Aloudsquealwentupfroma
packofwomenintentonafun-fillednightofalcoholpoisoning.

Thewaitressesforcedallthemenoffofthedance loorandstartedgrabbingwomenfor

an impromptu panty-shaking training session. Sidestep, sidestep, jiggle the chest. Sidestep,
sidestep, swirl the hips. A few women balked, slinking backward into the shadows with
uneasy expressions. Most stayed on the loor and worked it in a way that had most of the
menwhistlingandshouting.Kevincouldsmellthedesperation.

He let his eyes rove over the crowd around the dance loor. There were a lot of fresh

college grads tonight—easily noticed wearing their University of Piddly-Whatsit, Class of
Blah-Blahshirts.Fratguys.

How sweet, he thought, they match. You can get through anything if you’ve been

throughRushtogether…

Smirking,heswallowedthelastofhisbeerbeforeleavingthebottleonthetable.Kevin

didn’t know what he was looking for, or what he needed to do to stop this restless surge
insideofhim,buthedidn’twanttobealone,thoughitmeanthewasjustanotherfaceinthe
pulsingcrowd.

A holler went up from the fratties at the bar. Down the hatch with another round of

shots!Itwasdefinitelytimetoleave.

Kevin began to turn away and that’s when he saw him. The double-take he snapped

madetheleftsideofhisneckburn.

DearGod,pleaseandthankyou…
Standinginthemiddleofthefratguyswithashockofwhite-blondhaircatchingthelow

lightandstrobes,thisonelookedlikehewaswishingtobeinanotherworld.Kevinshivered
fromheadtofootandmovedaroundanotherpillarforabetterview.

Blondiewasyoungandsportingoneofthosecolleget-shirtswithhisjeansslunglow.He

had a chain hanging from the wallet in his back pocket to his belt and a beer idly dangling
fromhis ingers.Hehadn’ttakentheshotlikehisbuddiesandsomethingaboutthewayhe
cockedhisheadandneverlookedathisfriendsmadehimseemaggravated.

Kevin’seyesnarrowedandhelickedhislips.Heknewwhathewaslookingfornow;he

knewwhathewanted.

Inoneofthoseoddmomentswherefateoffersupafavor,themusicchangedagainand

thedance loor illed.Thebeatwashotanditroseupthroughthesolesofhisfeet,butKevin
didn’tmoveasdancersjostledinhisspace.

Hestaredhard,waiting.Hoping.
The blond watched his friends trickle off to the dance loor fueled with liquid courage,

whilehiseyesscannedtheclubwithatwistofdissatisfactiontohislips.

Recentbreakup?Kevinwondered.Jiltedlover?Thirdwheel?Whatwasthiskid’sstory?
Astrobeoflight lashedoverthe loor,brightestdirectlyabovewhereKevinstood,and

the blond’s gaze naturally shifted in his direction. When he realized Kevin was staring
straightathim,hishead,whichhadbeenbobbingtothebeat,stilled,andhisgripsuddenly
tightenedonthebeerhewasholding.

Kevinlaughedinwardly.Itwasn’tanythingsostupidasloveat irstsight,or Hallelujah—

oureyesmetandweknew!ButKevinsawaflickerofattraction.Interest.Sohemoved.

His steps fell on the beat, his eyes never leaving the blond’s. It was like being the

untouchable slow motion dude in a music video. Blondie was going to leave this club with
him;Kevinwasgoingtomakeithappen.

Thekidstraightenedandglancedhastilyinthedirectionhisfriendshadgone.Helooked

back at Kevin and as the lighting changed to a low darkroom red, he swallowed. Kevin
noticedandthistimehegrowled.

Yes…Thiswashappening.
With a quick jerk, the blond downed his shot and smacked the empty glass on the bar

along with his beer. Running his hand over his mouth, he blinked as though he wasn’t
certainofhissurroundingsandbolted.

“Shit!”Kevinhissed.
Blondie chose the worst route, straight through the thickest part of the dancing throng

asKevinbackeduptothetablessurroundingthe loorandmadehiswaytotheopenpatio
exit.Itwasstupidlyeasytokeephismaninsight.

Hegottotheentrance irstandwaitedintheshadows.Thiswasoddlycreepy,wasn’tit?

Yet, he’d seen the awareness in the kid’s eyes. The running part only made Kevin want to
catchhimmore.Anothershoutwentupfromthecrowd,followingthevocalsinthesong,and
thekidappeared.Rightontime.

Stumbling from the crowd and shoulder checking a guy on accident, Blondie tossed a

hurried apology behind him as he scanned the dancers. He was searching for Kevin.
Thinkinghewasabouttoescape,hedidn’tnoticehewasn’taloneanymore.

Kevinreachedoutinaswiftmoveandclaspedhishandaroundthe other man’s wrist.

Surprise!Blondiestutteredtoahalt,hiseyeswildastheyturnedtomeetKevin’s.

“What—”hegasped.
“Nothere,”Kevinsnappedandpulledtheothermandownthepatiostairsandintothe

dark beside the building. Once they were a suitable distance from the mouth of the alley,
Kevin moved in closer—close enough that he could’ve felt the other man trembling even if
hedidn’thaveaholdofhiswrist.

“Runningfromme?”Kevinmurmured.“Orwasthatinterpretivedance?”
The blond shook his head with his eyes wide. He was as tall as Kevin, but with a

swimmer’s build, and his lean muscle was exactly what Kevin liked. They’d make a good
match.

Thekid’seyes,though,theyweredifferentthananyKevinhadeverseen.Notgreen,not

brown,notgold,butabrighthazelthathecouldmakeouteveninthedimlight.Kevinknew
hewasactingalittlescary,andifitmadehimfeelbadlater,thatwasokay.Forthemoment,
helikedhowsolidlyhehadtheotherman’sattention.

“I’mnot—I’vegottogetback…”Blondietrailedoff,pointingoverhisshoulder.
“Totheguysyouwereditching?Toyourhotel?Toagirlfriend…?”Hetookanothersmall

stepforward,cockinghisheadlikehewasinfacthearingwhatthisstrangerwasthinking.In
Kevin’sexperience,itseemedtomakemencrazyinagoodway.

“I-I— You know what? That’s none of your fucking business!” Blondie growled, the

warinesssuddenlyreplacedwithattitude.

“So,you’retellingmeI’vegotitallwrong?You’renotintoit?”
Blondie slid to the side and straightened his shirt, purposely putting distance between

them.AtKevin’squestionshewentrigid.“I’mnot…Listen,I’mflattered,reallyIam,but—”

“Flattered? Well, I’m pleased I’ve latteredyou,” Kevin interrupted coolly. “If you don’t

want me here, say the word and I’m gone.” He stepped back, dipped his hands into his
pocketsandleanedagainstthebuildingopposite.“Or…”

The kid squinted in the darkness and cast a troubled look toward the brightly lit

walkway.Hisbreathingspedup.“Orwhat?”hecroaked.

“Or cut the shit and come with me. Your drunk friends don’t even know you’re gone.

Stopworryingandtellmewhatyouwant.”

Blondie’s face paled. “How could you tell?” His voice was anguished as he knotted his

fingersbehindhisneck.

Kevinimmediatelysawwhatwasgoingonandputhishandsup.“Easy.”
Thekidtensedfurtherandranhisfingersthroughhishair.
“Lookatme,”saidKevin.“It’snotlikethere’sabrandonyour forehead or something.”

Sensing the kid’s fear, he tried not to roll his eyes. He’d have to ind another way to spend
theeveningbecauseBlondiewasn’treadyforwhatKevinhadinmind.

“Idon’tknowwhattosay,”Blondiebreathed,hiswholebodytense.
“Don’tsweatit.Gobackinside.”
“It’sjust—Idon’tknowhowyouknew.Youwerewatchingme!Juststaring!”
Kevinlaughedquietly,battlingbetweenirritationandinterest.“Iwascheckingyouout.

Sowhat?”

“Sowhat!?Whatifmyfriendssaw?”
“YoumeantherestofyourfratbrosfromI’m-A-Gonna-Cumma?”
“It’sThetaDeltaChi,”Blondiemuttered.
“Mymistake.I’mnotgreatwithGreekletters.”Seeingthekid’sglaremadeKevin’sgrin

evenbigger.“Whatareyoumorepissedabout?ThatIwascheckingyouout,orthatyou liked
that I was checking you out?” Blondie’s nostrils lared. “Take your time to think about it,”

Kevinadded.

“Fuck.”
“Exactly.”Kevinshruggedandrelaxedintohisleanabitmore.“Gobackinside,Blondie.

Yoursecret’ssafewithme.”

“Quitcallingmethat.”Heglared.
“Whatwouldyoulikemetocallyou,then?”
Blondieactedlikehewasfightingsomesortofsilentwarandfinallycougheduphisinfo.

“Christian.Myname’sChristianBlakely.”

Fratboyperfect,Kevinthoughtandnoddedonce.“I’mKevin.”WhenChristianshowed

nosignsoffurtherconversation,Kevinstared.“Well?”

“Are you, like, out?” Christian asked weakly. “Is this how you spend all your weekends?

Cruisingguys?”

Kevinwasnotgoingtowastetheeveningguidingsomeboytowardthelightoutsidethe

closet.Noway.Hewasonvacation.

“WhatIdowithmydickisonaneedtoknowbasis.”
Christian’seyeswidenedinsurprise.“Ican’tbelieveI’mhavingthisconversation.Ifmy

friendsheardthis…”

“Fuck‘em.They’renothere.Areyouinlovewithoneofthemorsomething?
Christian made a strangled noise and shook his head. “No.No. I’ve never—I mean, I

haven’tdonethisbefore.”Helookeddownathisfeetandshiftednervously.

Kevin sighed. His patience just ran out. “But you’ve imagined it. Want to make it real?

Saytheword.”Heheldouthishandandwaited.

Christian sucked in breaths nervously, staring at Kevin’s offered hand with a torn

expression.Five,four,three,two,one…

Dropping his hand, Kevin turned and headed in the opposite direction. Too bad, he

thought.SomethingaboutChristianmadehimwanttobreakhisownrules…maybeevenask
nicely,usethewordplease.Whywasthat?

“I can’t just walk off and screw, you know.” Christian called out, a tremor in his voice.

“Canwetalkalittlemoreatleast?”

Kevin paused and glanced back, his lips arching into a smile. They could talk and then

some.Heheldouthishandasecondtimeandwaited.Takeitorleaveit.

Christian hesitated half a second before closing the distance. He didn’t meet Kevin’s

eyesashetookhishand,buthisgripwasnice.

“Christian.”
“What?”
Kevintightenedhishold.“Relax.”

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERONE

SixYearsLater

“Hetookmetothebeach…”
Christian Blakely opened his eyes slowly and stared at the clock radio as a woman’s

voice echoed softly from the speakers. A man said something next and jokes were lobbed
backandforth.Heletthesoundfilterinandpushoutthesleep.

Christianpressedthebuttontoturnoffthesoundbutcontinuedtolaythere,breathing

lowandslow.Hepreferredwakinguptopeopletalkingratherthananalarmblaring.Voices
were so much warmer, and in that odd state between sleeping and waking, it seemed like
therewerereallynice,amusingpeopleinthenextroomwaitingtowishhimgoodmorning.

Lonelinessmadehimdosomeweirdshit.
Before he got into the shower he pounded out pushups until his muscles failed, ab

exercisesuntilhethoughthe’dcoughuprocks,anddidacoupleyogamovesthathe’dnever
admit he knew. Christian’s schedule was packed with back-to-back meetings with vendors
andsponsorssohewouldn’tbeabletodomuchbutsitallday,andeveryonewouldlookat
himfunnyifherolledintotheconferenceroomwithoneofthosestabilityballs.

Heyall,workoutwhileyouwork!Let’stalkvendors!
ItwasMondayofhisthirdweekinthenewof icewithhisnewtitleandhisfancyrolling

deskchair.Thatchairhadrevolutionizedsittingforhim.Twowords:memorypadding.Once,
after everyone had left for the evening, Christian rolled around his of ice and spun that
suckeruntilheverynearlyralphedoverthelatestbudgetprintoutsforaracethecompany
lovinglycalledTheInnerBeast.

Christian was more surprised than anyone that he not only made it through a massive

restructuring of the company—in spite of being very publicly and dramatically outed by a
goddamn tabloid months ago—but he was also promoted to manage all race events. Of
course,thiswasaftera irmlecturefromthebigbossaboutkeepinghispersonallifeoutof
companybusiness.Christianwasallforthatplan.

It had been dif icult for him to leave behind the other sport competitions he used to

manage, but there was a whole new rush in being responsible for bigger events, country-
wide.He’dbeenrequiredtomovetoCalifornia—boohoo,howsad;hegrewupinBerkeley—
and take on a little more travel. There was asense of place he’d been missing when he
hadn’tknownifthehigher-upslikedtheworkhewasdoing.Promotionandencouragement
wasn’tthelineheexpectedthemtotake.Tohisamazement,noonereallygaveapisshewas
intodudesandinthenewoffice,hekepttohimselfanyway.

Christian had come to accept that his job performance made up for being a failure in

prettymucheveryotherareaofhislife.Thiswasn’tamelodramaticconclusion;he’dscrewed
uptoomuchtobecoy.MovingtoCaliforniawasn’taspirituallychargedjourneyorawayto
get in touch with who he really was like his old pal, Mark, tried in Bora Bora. No, Christian
hadagoodhandleonwhohewas.

He was a twenty-nine-year-old man. Single. Gay. Outed (not so much out). He ruined

relationships. He had broken three, maybe four, women’s hearts trying to build the pretty
picture life he never had growing up. Intimacy was an unknown concept to him. He was

moody.Heneverforgottoeat.Hedidforgottoclosedresserdrawerssometimes.Ifhecould
use sex as a weapon, it was his irst line of defense. He was attractive, brooding, and a little
shallow.Butthecherryontop?Healmostalwaystooktheeasywayout.

The job was his only source of redemption. The pity party for that sad truth kicked off

eachnightwhenheclimbedinbed.

Steppingfromtheshowerheranaforearmoverthesteamymirrorandcheckedouthis

re lection with a frown. Tired of constantly lipping his hair out of his eyes like he was a
twelve-year-oldinaboyband,he’drecentlychoppeditofftoa‘50’srockerstylethatbetter
suitedhim.Thewhiteblondstrands,stillwetfromtheshower,spikedupoffhisheadinall
directions.

Squinting at himself, Christian ran a hand over his mouth. Christ, the luggage he was

carrying under his eyes… He almost looked his age for once. Hazel eyes, blond brows and
hair.HelookedlikealotofotherCalifornians;itwasonlythefull-coveragetattoosthatmade
himstandout,andheactuallyhidalotofhisart.Someofthetattsweretoopersonaltobe
displayedforjustanybodytosee.

After shaving and brushing his teeth, he stepped into the closet that was right off the

bathroom and pulled on a pair of black pants and a white button-up. He was the only one
whoworeatietothesemeetingsbecauseofhisnecktatts.Mostvendorswouldn’tcare,but
hedidn’tlikethewaytheireyesandattentionstrayedwhenhisinkwasvisible.

Christiandrankhiscoffeeleaningagainstthekitchencounterandatehalfamangothat

wassoripeitwasabouttowalkoffbyitself.Beforehesteppedoutthedoor,hegrabbedhis
wallet and lipped it open, pulling out a tattered piece of napkin. He unfolded it, pleased to
seetheinkwasyetvisible,andbroughtthewornpapertohislips.

Self-preservationhadkepthimfromcallingthenumberwrittenonitforafewmonths

now, but Christian couldn’t let go of his ritual. Every morning started with one honest
memory,onemomenttolookbackatatimebeforehetookthewrongpathandfuckedthings
up.

EverymorningbeganwithKevinMcGuire.

***

Stretchinguntilhecracked,Kevinforcedhimselftothebathroom.Normallyquietinthe

morning, he didn’t plan on jamming his pinky toe into the corner of his dresser like he’d
forgotten it’d been there for an ef ing year. He saw stars and the ghost of Elvis as he fell
backwardontothemattress,hugginghisfootinatightgrip.

Thebestpartofwakingupisyelping“HolyFuck!”
Ittookacoupleminutesofwallowingonthebedbeforethethrobbingstoppedandhe

could throw on some running shorts and shoes. He crept down the dark hall toward the
stairshopinghisgorillayellhadn’twokenhissister.Theshadowswerebrokenbyafamiliar
sliveroflightthatslashedoutontothelandingfromthesecondbedroom,andthoughhewas
actuallyontiptoeashemovedpast,itdidn’tmatter;sheheardhim.

“Kev?”
He froze. Peeking in the doorway of his sister’s room, he whispered gently, “What are

youdoingup,Risa?DidIwakeyou?”

Shepushedupuntilshewasleaningonherelbows,thesmalllightonherbedsidetable

revealingherblackhairasitfellbackontoherpillow.

“No…Can’tsleep.”
“Dreams?”
Risa made a noise of con irmation and kicked off her blankets, her pink and blue

pajamasbringingagrintohisface.Shelookedfiveinsteadoftwenty.

“Do you mind if I tag along?” she asked softly. “If you want to run fast, I’ll just trail

behind.”

Kevinsteppedintoherroomanddroppedakissonthetopofherhead.He’dneverlet

hertrailbehind,evenifhewastraining.“I’llbedownstairs.”

“Twominutes,”shehalf-yawned,scootingoutofbedandtowardthehallbathroom.
He switched on the light over the stove for Risa’s sake and when she appeared in the

kitchenacoupleminuteslater,hepulledherintoaone-armedhug.“Ithoughtyousaidthey
stopped.”

Risa squeezed him back, then moved from his hold to throw her hair into a ponytail. “I

guessthat’sthethingaboutthesedreams;theyalwayscomeback.”

Kevinknewshe’donlygetmoreupsetifhetriedtoapologizeagainorsaysomethingbig

brotherishaboutwishinghecouldtaketheburden,soheletitgo.

“Ready?”
At her nod, he led her out to the front porch. They rented their place from an of icer

thatKevinhadworkedforyearsagoanditwastheonlyreasontheycouldaffordtoliveina
cottage about six blocks from the beach. They were a twenty- ive minute commute from
CampPendleton,too.

Hisusualmorningrunledhimdownthroughtheneighborhoodsofbeachrentalsuntil

hewasleggingitoutonthesand.Risaknewtheroute—she’dbeenrunningwithhimmore
oftenlatelyasshesleptless.

Poor kid. Kevin had no idea how to help ix the problem and he hadn’t for almost six

years.Itirkedhimwhenhecouldn’ttakeaction,butit’snotlikehecouldcrawlinsideRisa’s
mind and remove the pain. Long morning runs were the best he could come up with for
himself. There just wasn’t much hecoulddo besides make himself available, which wasn’t
thateasywithhisjob.

Thepairheadedoutonthedownhilltowardthebeachsothatonthereturnlegthey’d

have to go uphill for a ways. Know the neighborhood and make it tough, he thought. No
slacking. Though, it wasn’t like he was running San Francisco hills. Those were meant to
nearlykillmenandmakethemvomitintosomeone’sbushes.

Risastayedhalfastridebehindhim,herbreathingcontrolledandquietintheair.Kevin

knew if they were going to talk about anything, she’d bring it up, so he soaked in the slight
chillandlethisbodyrelaxintotherun.

Ten minutes passed before Risa said a word and when she did it was fast. “Selena’s

pissedatme.”

Kevinglancedatherandlookedawaybeforeshenoticedhissmile.“Whythistime?”
“It’sbeenlike ivemonthsthatyou’vebeenhomeandshesaysshe’sbarelyseenyou,”

sheanswered,thesentencedrawingoutassheran.

“Notmytype,”heansweredcurtly.Definitelynotmytype,Kevinthought.
“Trytellingherthat.”
He made a gagging noise and was relieved to see Risa smile. Damn, his sister was so

muchliketheirmom.Notjustpretty,butreally lovely.Itwaslikelookingatoldpictures.The
thoughtmadehischesttightandhehadtorefocus.

“Selena makes me nervous,” Kevin admitted in one breath. “She comes around all

perfumeywithherlipspuckeredsmoochysmoochyinmyface.”

Risa cracked a laugh and lost the swing of her stride. “Don’t be mean!” she squeaked.

“It’saharmlesscrush.”

“Notfrommypointofview.She’slikeatapeworm.Shejusttakes,takes,takes.”
Hegotasmackonthearmandletoutalaughofhisown.See,thiswaswhenhefeltlike

hewasdoingthingsrightandtakingcareofhissisterthewayshedeserved.Whenshe was
smilingandlaughing,Kevinwastoo.

“Youjustneedtotonedownthescorn.Shedoesn’tknowhowtoapproachyoubecause

you’renotfallingatherfeetlikemostguysdo.She’ssortofshyaboutyou.”

Kevineruptedinlaughterandhadtoslowdownuntilhegothisbreathback.“Right.Shy

likeahyenareadytopickmybones.”

Risadidn’teventrypretendinghewaswrong.Theyrancompanionablyandinsteadof

leadingRisabackthroughtheneighborhoods,upanddownhills,hetookagradualrisethat
seemed endless but eventually led to a set of steps downward toward a beach entrance.
Whentheyhitthesand,heslowedtoastopandRisasaggednexttohim,herhandsonher
kneesandherribcageslamminginandout.

“ThankGod,”shegasped,smiling.
Kevingrinnedandwipedadripofsweatfromhisnosewiththesleeveofhist-shirt.He

kneltanduntiedherlacesandthenhisownsotheycouldkicktheirshoesandsocksoffinto
thesand.Theywalkedforalittlebit,coolingdown,untilhesankontothesandtostareoutat
the dark water. Risa sort of plopped down beside him and they listened to the waves,
shoulder to shoulder in the shelter of a small beach dune. They were the only ones on the
sand.

“Nextmonthisthesixyearmark,”Risamurmured.“Canyoubelievethat?Sixyears.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Sometimes it feels like a hundred and sometimes it’s like I’m just

hearingthenewsagain.”

“Thedreamscomebackstrongthistimeofyear.Ihopetheyfadesoon.”
Kevin cleared his throat. “Do you want to go back to the doc? Talk to someone about it

again?”

Risashrugged.“There’snothingnewtosay.They’redead.EverytimeIhavethedream,

I wake up and they’re still dead. It’s stuck there in my subconscious and it’s not budging.
Tellingastrangeraboutitdoesn’treallymakemefeelbetter.Itmakesmefeel…exposed.”

Kevin settled his arms over his knees and dug his toes deeper into the sand. He never

knew if it was better to push her to talk to a professional, or to let her take her time and
figureshitout.Anothersignheshould’vecrackedacoupleparentingbooksbynow.

“Doyoufeelexposedtalkingtome?”
Risanudgedhisshoulderwithherownandittookherseveralmoments to respond. “I

know I can tell you anything and you won’t judge, but it’s like there’s already enough stuff
goingoninsideyouthatyoudon’tletout.Whatareyougoingtodowithallofmyhang-ups
piledon?”

Was she calling him closed off ? Kevin never thought of himself that way, even

consideringthathewasgayandhadn’tevermentionedthefacttohissister.Oncehestarted
holdingthingsbacktomakeiteasieronRisa,heguesseditbecameahabit—notthathewas
an emotional time bomb about to explode. He was calm. He was good. Kevin’s biggest
concernsalwayscenteredonhissisterandhowshewasgettingby.

“Little Ris,” he murmured, using her nickname, “worrying about me isn’t even worth it.

I’m ine.Ionlycarehowyou’redoing.IsSanDiegotheproblem?Doyouwanttogetouton

yourown?”

“Noway,”shesaidquickly,almosttooquickly.“Notatall.SanDiegoisgreat.You’regreat.

Ijustmisswhatwehad—especiallythistimeofyear.ThefourofustogetheragainiswhatI
want.It’sallIeverwant.”

Kevincouldn’tsayanythingtothat.Hedidn’tknowhowmanytimeshehadwishedthe

samething.Hewantedhismomaroundtoworryabouthimandhisdadtolaughitoff.

WhentheaccidenthappenedKevinhadalreadybeenservingintheMarinesfortwelve

years.He’dsettledintohisownlifeandwasdating…well…sleepingwithguys.Hevisitedhome
to see Risa’s big events: the Thanksgiving play when she was the turkey, the dance recitals
and holiday church festivals. Kevin never wanted their ifteen year age difference to keep
themfrombeingclose,sohe’ddoneallhecouldforherfromafar.

She was almost ifteen when their parents were killed in a head-on collision and he

became her guardian. He took all the leave he had left on the books and lew to Wyoming
where he picked her up from a friend’s house. She’d been curled on the couch and hadn’t
spoken a word until she saw him. They held each other and cried right there in the living
room of a strange house, with people in the next room that Kevin had never met before. It
wasahauntingmemorythatmadehisstomachache.

Together they’d packed Risa’s things, put the house on the market and left their

parents’stuffinstorage.RisamovedbacktoKevin’sdutystationwithhimandtheystarted
over. There weren’t any aunts and uncles or grandparents to take her in even if Kevin had
wanted them to, which he hadn’t. From that point on, she was his responsibility, his
everything.Shewouldn’thavelethimleaveherwithanyoneelse,either.

It turned his world upside down and put some of his wishes on hold, of course, but he

never even considered resenting Risa for it, or getting angry at God or the world that he
couldn’tbeoffonhisown.Beingaloneandawayfromheractuallysoundedawful.Itwasn’t
like he had much time to date anyway and the one guy he thought he could begin a
relationship with had left him hanging. It was better to start everything with a clean slate
andfocusonthefamilyhehadleft.

Kevinwastheonewhotookhislittlesisteroutforhersweetsixteenandsawheroffto

prom, crammed into a limo with seven of her closest girlfriends. He helped her with
homework,wenttohervolleyballgameswhenhewasn’tinthe ieldordeployed,andsatin
theaudienceatherhighschoolgraduationlikeaprouddad—liketheirowndadwouldhave.
His little sister and his job stabilized his world. When he was deployed they emailed and
chattedonthewebcamswhenevertheycouldandhehiredawomantostayonwithheras
asortofcaretakerinhisabsence.

Now here they were with the accident almost six years in the rear view. Risa was

working on a culinary arts degree at the Art Institute of California. She could be out on her
own if she wanted; the trust from the estate had come into her hands when she was
eighteenanditwouldtakecareofany inancialneedsshehad,butsheseemedtowanttobe
withhim,evenifhisthirty-five-year-oldasscrampedherstyle.

“Home?”heasked.
“Yeah.Home,”Risawhispered.

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWO

WhenKevinpushedthroughthefrontdoorFridayevening,hiscellphonewasbuzzing

inthepocketofhiscammiesandheswore,tryingtogettoitwithoutknockingoverthevase
of lowers Risa had set out. He was used to these feminine touches she left throughout the
housebuteverythingwassobreakable.

Lettinghisbagsfallwithathumpintheentryway,heansweredwithoutcheckingtheID.

“McGuire.”

“It’sJack.IcaughtanearlyflightsoI’malreadyhere.”
Kevin laughed and pivoted in the direction of the kitchen when he heard Risa come in

throughthebackdoor.HissmiledisappearedwhenSelenafollowedinafterher.Theywere
both wearing bikini tops and shorts and at the sight of him standing in the entry, Selena
started her shine and polish routine. He’d completely forgotten about “Girls Night.” Risa
waved pleasantly and Selena smiled with what seemed like a hundred teeth showing. He
spunaway,thethemefromJawspoundinginhismind.

“The traf ic will slow me down, but I’ll come get you.” Kevin knew it was impossible to

casually thread hysteria into his tone so Jack would catch on, but his best friend was
obliviousanyway.

“I’m already in the cab, Kev. We’re, like, halfway there.” There was some background

conversation and Jack came back on the line. “I want sushi. The guys drove down from
Montereyandthey’llmeetuswhereverItellthem.”

Kevin’s stomach rumbled and he nodded. “There’s a place within walking distance,

remember?Closertothebeach?”

“Ohyeah,yeah.Perfect.IsRisacoming?”
Kevin frowned, but looked carefully over his shoulder to see Risa pulling a couple of

glassesfromthecabinet.Selenawaseyeinghim.Shit.

“Nah.GirlsNight.”
“Screwthat,”Jackgrumbled.“I’mhardlyeverintown.Tellhertocancel.”
Kevinshookhisheadalmostfrantically.“She’salreadygotafriendover.I’mnotgoingto

interruptthem.”

“Well,Iam.Handherthephone.”
“No,”Kevinsaidbetweenclenchedteeth.
“Meetmeattherestaurantinten.Youshouldbringher.”
“She’sofflimits.”
“Fine.Tenminutes,bigbrother.”
The line went dead and Kevin turned in dread, hoping the girls weren’t following his

halfoftheconversation.Selenawasshakingherhairoutlikeshewasabouttopourabottle
ofwateroverherselfandRisawassneakingamusedglanceshisway.

“What’syourplanfortonight?”sheaskedwithaknowinglook.“Wanttohangoutwith

us?”

SelenaperkedupandKevinshuddered,inchingtowardthestaircase.“Thanks,butI’m

meetingJack.Money,andEstearesupposedtoshow,butitmightbeanearlynightbecause
oftheracetomorrow.”

RisawasabouttosaysomethingwhenSelenapipedup,herwideeyesblinking.“Money?

Este? You’re friends have weird names. Why would anyone let themselves be called
‘Money’?”

If she only knew. “Nickname,” Kevin muttered. “I’ve gotta change.” Before Selena could

askanymorequestions,heshotforthestairsinescape.

“See,Risa?”heheardhercomplain.“He’salwayssnippywithme.Idon’tgetit!”
Anothershudderwentthroughhim.Guuhk.Selenatriedsohardanditdrovehimnuts.

She’d either sweep her hair back and forth over her shoulders or pull that confused, sex-
needylook.Thebigbrotherinhimwasafraidherin luencewouldruboffonRisaandhe’d
have to sit his little sister down and explain to her that she was not to be romantic with
anyonebeforeshewasthirty-seven.Eventhenitwasabadidea.

Withameatysigh,heremovedhisbootsandtossedhisuniforminthehamper.Tugging

on a well worn pair of shorts, a tank undershirt, and a short-sleeved button-up that he left
open,itwasthe irsttimealldaythathe’dbeencomfortable.Theairconditioningwasbeing
servicedatworkandthewindowinhisof icewaspaintedshut.Itmadehisuniformstickto
himlikeaWookiesuit.

WhenKevingotdownstairs,RisaandSelenawereonthecouchinthe tiny living room,

glassesoficedteaintheirhandsandsomegirlymovieonthetelevision.Thesightmadehim
feeloldandgrouchy.

“Are you going out later?” he asked Risa, ignoring Selena’s attempt to get his attention

withsomekindofwink,head-flick.

Risashrugged.“Wemight.Selenaheardaboutanewplaceopeningupdowntown.”
Ofcourseshedid.“Ihavemyphone.Callmeifyouneedme,gotit?”
His sister nodded and held up a hand like she was waiting for a high ive. She used to

offer him the same greeting and farewell when she was little. He slapped palms, smiling.
Selena held her hand up, too and Kevin tried not to cuss. Risa saved him by slapping her
palmagainstSelena’s.“Hecan’t.It’sagoodluckthing,”Risasaid.“Wecan’tbreaktradition.”

Kevin took that as his cue to leave before he was the victim of a last-ditch cleavage

revealfromSelena.“Lockthedoorbehindme,”hecalledashesteppedoutthefrontdoor.

“Bye, Kevin!” Selena trilled, sending him jogging forward until the house was well

behindhim.

At the sushi bar he and Jack squeezed into one of the booths, their knees almost

knocking together beneath the table. They ordered a couple Sapporos and plowed through
two edamame appetizers before Money and Este sauntered in. The hostess greeting them
did the usual double and triple take when she saw Money. Already he was living up to his
name.

The thing with the guy was that he was more than good looking. He wasstupidly

handsome. And he’d somehow molded attractiveness into the belief that he deserved the
bestfromeveryone.Womendidn’tjustwantMoney.Theysawhimanddecidedhewasthe
source of their future happiness. He was the perfect combo of bad boy and angel—visiting
confessioneverynowandthentocheckthebox.Itmadewomenwanttotamehimand chain
himintheirbasements.

Truestory:KevinandEsteoncehadtosavehimfromalady’sbedroomwhereonearm

washandcuffedtoabedpost.Moneyborethescarsonhisrightwrist.

He was a friend in good standing, but the kind that Kevin wanted to deck most of the

time.Itneverfailedthattheguywouldgetbuzzed,takeoffenseoversomerandomshit,and
losehistemper.PeopleaccusedKevinofhavingashortfuse,butMoneyhadthepatienceof
abottlerocketanddidn’tcareifitgothimintotrouble.

Kevin stood up halfway so the guys would see him and waved. Money winked at the

hostess,actuallygrazeda ingeralongherjawline,andmadehiswaybetween the tables. It
lookedlikeEstewasstayingbehindsohecouldkeepflirting.

KevinandJackgotupandwhenMoneywascloseenough,hegatheredthetwoofthem

into a giant hug. Kevin’s face ended up scrunched against his friend’s neck while on the
otherside,JackwasdealingwithMoney’sarmpitandtryingtowriggleaway.

“Oh great,” Jack mumbled, giving Kevin a longsuffering look. “He’s already been

drinking.”

“Youtwoaremyfavoritecoupleofdickheads,”Moneysnickered.“Ihaveasurprisefor

you.”

“If it’s a lash mob, we’re leaving,” Kevin managed to say as he practically popped his

headoutofMoney’shold.

“It’s better than that—where’s Este? He’ll tell you.” Their eyes traveled back to the

entrance where Este was inishing off what Money started; the hostess was practically in a
pant.

“LookatmyLittleLooseLatino,”Moneywhisperedproudly.“Tenbuckshe’saskingher

togodancing.”

“Nobet,”KevinandJackansweredatthesametime.
Este noticed he was being observed and he licked his head at them in

acknowledgement, his high-power smile on display. He said a inal goodbye to the hostess
andshewatchedhisprogresstothetablewithagreedyeye.

Ashegotcloser,herubbedhishandstogetherliketheywereabouttoshareapre-game

onthepitcher’smound.Thefourofthemweregettingalotofinterestedstaresastheytook
upmostoftheaislebetweentheirboothandthetablenextdoor.Kevinignoredthelooks.

Esteban Gutierrez looked exactly as he always did—short, but what women termed as

“hotandapproachable”atthesametime.HewasapowderkegofLatinosexappeal.Hewas

ive-sixandcarriedhimselflikehewassevenfeettall.Allittooktoconvincewomenthathe’d

leavethemsatis iedwasoneminuteofSalsadancing.Kevinoncesawhimgohomewithtwo
girls and had to listen to him gloat about it for a week.Two women? Who had the energy?
God,afteraworkoutandaharddayKevincouldbarelymusterupthestrengthtoemptythe
dishwasher.

“Hey,Jack.Kevin.”Estegavethembothroughhugsandjerkedathumbinthedirection

he’d come. “Did you see her? Candy apple red cheeks and a quarter-bouncing bottom. Did
Money tell you what’s waiting for later?” he raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Madre de
Dios…”

The four of them scrunched into the booth and for a few moments it was a meet and

greetofelbows,legs,andassesastheytriedtogetcomfortable.JackwasnexttoMoneyand
acrossfromthem,EstewascrammedagainstthewallbesideKevin.

“Did you get bigger, McGuire?” he blurted, shoving his elbow into Kevin’s ribs. “I

swear…”

KevincockedaneyebrowandwaitedforMoneytoreveal“thesurprise,”whichwasn’ta

surpriseatall,andsurelyhadtodowithwomenandcopiousamountsofalcohol.

“I want you boys to get your drink on here because I have got the night lined up!”

Money grinned and signaled for their server at the same time. A teenager with a nametag
thatsaid,“Kai”cameover,tookMoney’sorderforfourmoreSapporosandleft.

JackwaslookingMoneyoverwithafrown.“Howareyoualreadybuzzed?Didyouguys

stoponthewayoverhere?”

“Mini-bar,” Este answered for them as Kai reappeared and dropped off their beers.

Theyalltappedtheirbottlestogetherandtookadrink.KevinandJackwerereadywiththeir
ordersandMoneyandEstedecidedonasamplerplatterthatcouldfeedafamilyofsix.

“Listen,”Moneybreathed,leaningincloseasKai ledfromtheirtable.“Fourgalstaking

classes with us up in Monterey are also coming down to San Diego for the weekend—shit,
theymightevenberunningintheracetomorrow—butthey’reprimedandreadyforanight
withus.”

Kevin shook his head. This was typical Money bullshit. He and Este were assigned to

student billets at the Defense Language Institute; only they could turn it into spring break.
ThereweresomanypossibleobjectionstoraiseabouttheireveningplansthatKevinwasn’t
surewheretobegin.

“We could push the female count up to ive if you want to seal the deal with the

hostess,”Esteofferedhelpfully.

Their attention turned once again to the innocent victim manning the entrance. Jack

cleared his throat and Kevin immediately met his eyes. He couldn’t tell what his friend was
thinking.

“Tonight’s not a good night,” Jack mumbled. “You guys do realize that we’re scheduled

to run a ifteen mile obstacle course tomorrow? For fun. Do you really want to be nursing a
hangoverandblowingyourbiscuitseverytensteps?”

“Jack.”Money’stonewassaturatedwithdisbelief.“Thisisa sure thing. We’re delivering

pooltables,beers,and—”

“If you say the word ‘broads,’ I will punch you in the face right here at the table,” Jack

interrupted.“Nobodysaysshitlikethat.”Hewasn’tlaughingandKevinrealizeditprobably
had something to do with the “broads” part of the surprise. Jack had been absent from the
dating scene for a long time and wasn’t showing any signs of returning. While for his own
reasonsKevinalwaysdistancedhimselffromthewomenthathisfriendsmusteredup,Jack
wasn’tusedtobeinginthatposition.

Thelasttimethey’dallbeentogetheratthesametimewasalittleoverthreeyearsago.

Before the IED blast that burned one third of Jack’s body. Before the hospitals, burn units,
surgeriesandrehabilitation.AndbeforeJackwasdischargedfromtheCorps.

Now,seeinganxietybloominginJack’sface,Kevinsatup,readytode lecttheattention

away.“Guys—”

Moneyfrowned.“Don’tworry,Jack.Itoldthemaboutyou.”
Jack froze and Kevin stared open-mouthed, ighting the urge to drag Money out of the

boothandpoundhisfaceintothe loor.Washe completelystupid? Might as well usher Jack
intoabaryelling,“Everything’sokay!ItwasanIEDandit’sinthepast!”

“Money…”Jack’svoicepitcheddangerouslylow.“Fuckyou.”
“What?What’dIsay?”Theybothstaredathim,waitingforthelighttogoon.“Ohshit!I

didn’t tell them aboutthat, you sensitive prick. I told them you and Kevin were coming and
that you’re a couple of my best friends. There’s one for each of us.” He jerked a thumb
towardthehostessstand.“Plusabonusifwecangethertoshowup.”

“Relax,gentlemen,”Estesoothed.“We’lltakeiteasy;we’llhaveacoupleofbeersandhit

thesack—maybenotalone,but…”

JacknudgedMoneywithahardjabtotheribs.“Getout.I’vegottahitthehead.”
WhenJackwasoutofhearingdistance,Kevinturnedonhisfriendswithaglare.
“Whatthehellwasthat?”hespat.“Don’ttrytoforcehimintoshithe’snotreadyfor.”
Moneyliftedhishandslikehewasinnocent.“Wethoughtthiswouldbeanicesurprise.

You know, get him out in the ield again. Seeing women. Trust me, there are girls who are
dyingtodoitwithahero.”

Kevinscowled.“Areyouevenhearingyourself?Layoff.He’snotready.”
“I’mnottryingtobeadickhead,”Moneyprotested.“You’renottheonlyonewhocares

abouthim.”

“Alright,alright.Stopitbeforethisgetsmorestupidthanitalreadyis.” Este jumped in.

He bumped shoulders with Kevin. “What about you? You never go home with the ladies
unlessit’sasadesignateddriver.I’mtellingyou,Sylviereallywantstomeetthelegendthat
isKevinMcGuire.”

That’s highly doubtful, Kevin thought impatiently and put another inch of distance

betweenhimselfandEste.“Justleaveusoutofyourplanstonight.IappreciatewhatI’msure
wasverylittleefforttofindwomenwillingtohangout,butit’snotgoingtohappen.”

Money and Este were clearly disappointed, but when Jack returned, they dropped the

partyplansandbegantotalkabouttherace.Oncethesushiarrived,theremainingtension
dissipatedandJackloosenedupagain.They’dhadenoughtodrinktogettothatloosestate,
butMoneyandEste’sexuberancehadKevin’spatiencerunningthin.Twohoursaftersitting
down,hewasmorethanreadytoleave.

“Youguysprobablyhavetomeetyourdatessoon,”hebuttedintoaconversationabout

golf, or paintball, or something. Money caught the hint and reached for his wallet, throwing
somebillsonthetable.Theyallfollowedandunwoundfromthebooth,exceptforEstewho
slidrightoutwithnoproblemwhiletherestofthemhadtostretchoutkinks.

“Last chance for an unforgettable evening, gentlemen,” Este pleaded. “Sylvie, Jen, Lena,

andMarie…”

Jack groaned. “I just got off the plane a few hours ago and my ass is dragging. I need

sleep.”

“Whataboutyou,Kev?Orareyoutwogoingtocurluponthecouchtogethertowatch

MasterpieceClassicsorsomeshit?”

“Yeah,yeah.He’ssleepingonmycouchand—”
Moneystoppedhimwithawave.“Littlesisteristhere.Wegetit.”
“Cometomyplaceatseventomorrow,”Kevinremindedthem.
They’d reached the entrance where groups of people were waiting for tables. Money

and Este must have decided that four on two was good enough odds for the night because
they ignored the hostess as they passed. Poor kid. She didn’t realize who she was dealing
with.

The guys called a cab, promising to be on time the next morning and Jack and Kevin

abandonedthemtotheirschemingoutsidetherestaurant.ThewheelsofJack’scarry-onbag
clackedonthesidewalkastheycoveredthedistancetoKevin’sandJackrelaxedonceagain.

He looked better than ever, it and energetic. The scars that ran down the right side of

hisneckstoodoutstarklyagainsthisbrownskinandKevinknewthe marks traveled south
over most of his back and over his right hip and leg as well. The recovery had been
excruciatingandthesurgeriesmentallyandphysicallyexhausting,butJackfoughtthroughit
all. Kevin had visited when he was able and now he sort of stood in awe of his buddy,
knowinghewasstillnostrangertopain.

“It’s been too long,” Jack murmured, thumping him on the back. “We should try to get

togethermoreoften.”

Kevinagreed.“Youlookreallygood,man.”
Jackdidaquickbodybuildingpose,thendroppedittogrin.“Don’tsoundsosurprised.

I’vegotninetypercentsexappealandtenpercentcharmallinonepackage.”

“Don’ttalktomeaboutyourpackage.”
“Samepercentagesapplytoit.”
Kevinsnorted.“Nastybastard.”
AstheyclimbedthestairsoftheporchJackstoppedhimwithagriponhisshoulder.
“Thanks for sticking with me back there. I’m not… I don’t want to start…” He couldn’t

findthewordsandthemomentstretchedout.Kevinsortofsuckedatheartfeltstufflikethis.

“Theguysdidn’tmeananythingbyit,Jack.Really.Theythoughttheywerehelping.”
“AndIgetthat,”Jackhastenedtosay.“Ican’tdiveinliketheydoandIdon’tevenwant

toanymore.Life’stooshorttomessaroundforever.”

Jack’swordsweresaidalmostasanafterthought,buttheyhitKevinbelowthebelt.He

hadtolookawaytogethisbearings.Risawascurleduponthecouchbeneathablanket;he
couldseeherthroughthecurtains,andSelenawasnowhereinsight.

“Risa’sawake,”heeventuallyspoke.“She’llbegladtoseeyou.”
Jack visibly perked up and Kevin led him inside a little warily after seeing his friend’s

eagersmile.Risawaswatchingashowaboutsayingyestoadressandatthesightofthem,
shepushedoffherblanketandroundedthecoffeetable.

Tossinghisbagbyanarmchair,JacksteppedaroundKevinandpulledRisaintoahug.

Thelingeringkind.Shewasshyandsweetasshecurvedherarmsaroundhiswaist,andthe
delicateblushonhercheeksmadeKevinsuspicious.

“LittleRisa,”Jack’sdeepvoicerumbled.“Youlookgreatasusual…”
Even though she was tall, Jack had enough inches on her to kiss her on the top of her

head.ThiswasnotatallintherealmofbrotherlyhugsthatKevinexpectedandhewastwo
secondsawayfromsqueezingasofapillowbetweenthemwhenRisasteppedback.

“Where’sSelena,”hegrowledintothemidstoftheirpreciousmoment.“Whathappened

toyournightout?

Risa shrugged, distractedly smoothing her hair away from her face as her eyes danced

betweenherbrotherandJack.Kevin’sgazenarrowed.

“Shegotatextfromaguyshemetatapartyandshe’sbeenwaitingforevertoseehim

again.Sheleftaboutanhourago.”

“ThankGodforsmallfavors,”Kevinbreathed.
“Selena?Isshetheone—”askedJack.
“ThebarracudathatRisabefriended.”Kevinsidesteppedtoavoidaswatfromhislittle

sister, then wondered what Jack was going to say. Had he mentioned something about her
andforgottenthathe’dtoldJack?Heshrugged.“Watchout,ifyougettomeether,shecloses
infast.”

“She’sactuallyverynice,”Risahuffed.“Alittleneedy,maybe.”
Kevin shook his head when she wasn’t looking and Jack grinned. Come to think of it,

sincetheycameinsidehisfriendhadn’treallystoppedsmiling.

With a week’s worth of exhaustion catching up to him, Kevin was happy to let Risa

gathersheets,pillowsandblanketsforJack.Whilesheranupstairstolayouttowelsforhim
in the bathroom, Kevin pointed his inger an inch from his friend’s nose. “If I ind you
working‘thecharm’onRisa,Iwillboilyournutsinoil.”

“LikeIcancontrolthisgift!”
“Youbettertry.”KevinwasabsolutelyseriousbecausehehadafeelingthatifJacktried

tocatchRisa’sattention,herheadwouldturnprettywillingly.

“You’retheleasthospitableguyIknow.Insomecultures,you’dbeofferinghertomein

marriage,” Jack argued, falling back onto the couch with an expression of comfort that had
beenmissingmostoftheevening.

“Iwillkillyou,Jack.Getit?Risaistooyoungforyou,she’snaı̈ve,andshe’smylittlesister.

Youshouldn’tneedanymorereasonsthanthat.”

Jackblewaraspberryintohisarm,thenjumpedbacktohisfeettotakeanextrablanket

fromRisawhohadsteppedlightlydownthestairstothelivingroom.

“Youshouldhaveeverythingyouneed,”shemurmured,tuckingalockofherblackhair

behindherear.Jack’seyesweregluedtohereverymove.“LetmeknowifImissedanything.
Myroom’sthefirstontheleftupstairs.”

JacktuckedherintoanotherhugandreturnedKevin’swarningglareoverhershoulder

beforelettinghergo.KevinendedupputzingaroundthelivingroomuntilRisadecidedtogo
tobed,actingashergloweringchaperone.Hefollowedherupstairsandslid a inger across
hisneckatJackashelefttheroom.

Slidingintobed,Kevinwascaughtoffguardbyawaveofloneliness.Hewishedhecould

open up to Risa and tell her about his life. It would be nice to have the freedom to be with
someoneformorethananight.Kevinwantedstrengthonstrength;poweronpower.There
weren’ttoomanynightsinhispastlikethatandonlyonehefoundimpossibletoforget—the
memorybringingwithitaconfusingstingofpain.

Kevinfoughttodistracthimselffromtheimageofthatoldtabloidmaginhismind,but

beforeherealizedwhathewasdoing,hewasturningonthelightanddiggingforitshiding
spotinthecloset.Itwasanembarrassingweaknessthathecontinuedtoholdontothething
allthesemonthslater.

Ignoring the headline and that Mark Newland guy on the cover, his eyes latched on to

Christian. Saying and thinking Blondie’s name bothered Kevin, so he changed tack and
wondered for the hundredth time what went wrong. Anger whipped through him and he
toretheoldmagazineinhalf.

“Suchabullshitwasteoftime,”hewhisperedinthequiet.“Caringaboutacowardwho

ranaway.”

***

TheInnerBeastwasbeingheldnortheastofEscondidointhehillsnearDaleyRanchand

Christian’s Friday night had been squandered on managing a logistics screw-up that had
forty port-a-johns delivered ive miles away from where they were supposed to be. He was
on his cell phone, pacing past the staff and volunteers setting up welcome tents, trying to
explaintoanangrytruckdriverwhyfolksdidn’twanttotakealeakfivemilesawayandnext
toafifty-footdropoff.

Alltheotherplanninghadgonewell.Vendorsweresetup.Thestageandsoundsystem

were ready. Stacks of bananas were standing by for cramping, ravenous runners. The
medical and shower stations were prepped. There was enough bottled water to cool
thousandsofparchedmouths,andtheentirecheckinsectionwasjammedwithboxesfullof
racepacketsandt-shirtsforeachrunnerwho’dsignedup.

These accomplishments were all beans if people didn’t have a place to go to the

bathroom.Christian’sworldwoulddescendintoanightmareofLordoftheFlies proportions
ifallhehadtoofferfullbladderswereacouplenapkinsandanobligingsectionofforest.

He inallymadeittohishotelroomatoneinthemorningandwastooexhaustedtodo

more than brush his teeth and lop down in his bed. Once his eyes closed, however, it was
like his brain awakened from its stupor and took the opportunity to curl around him for a
depressingwalkdownmemorylane.

Christian would’ve called Mark if it had been a reasonable hour. They talked a couple

timesamonthandhadsettledintoacarefulsortoffriendship,butChristiandidn’twantto
push it and step on Zane’s toes. For all of Mark’s past insecurities, he’d settled into a very
positiverelationshipwithhisHollywoodGod. Whenever Christian got to talk to him, he tried
tosoakupsomeofthehappinesscomingoffofhisfriend.Hethoughtmaybeifhecouldstore
itaway,nightslikethiswouldn’thappensooften.

Christiandidn’treallyhaveanyoneelsetoreachoutto.Hisclosestfriend had been his

ex-girlfriend and their farce of a relationship was long since over. They hadn’t spoken in
monthsandlasthe’dheardshewasdatingaguysheworkedwithwhowasdecidedlynotin
thecloset.Kyle,hisoldcollege pal,wasalsooffthelistofBFFs.Christianrecently iguredout
he’dalwayssortofhatedthebigot.

So this was turning out to be a night like all the rest. Just Christian and his stupid

thoughts.

Andthankyou,soul,fordraggingmethroughtheshitwhenI’mtootiredtodefendmyself.
He sat up and reached for his iPod, slipping the ear buds in and scrolling through his

playlistsuntilhefoundwhathewaslookingfor.Hesetthevolumetoalowthruminhisears,
sloucheddown,andclosedhiseyes.

“…I had a dream you were two towns from me. Got to sleep and spent the whole night

running…”

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTHREE

The irstfourwavesofrunnerswereoutofthegatesandChristianwassettlingintothe

day with a focus; he was determined that his irst event as manager go off well. He was on
the move constantly, answering chatter on the radio, and trekking back and forth between
themedicalandcheckinstations,aswellasthestagebuiltfortheliveband.Sofar,sogood.

The staff was equipped to deal with most problems that might arise, but any

participants that were stirring up heat were sent to Christian. Usually all it took was a
glimpse of their signatures on the dotted line of a release form, or an eyeful of the gigantic
securityguardsthatwerestrategicallyscatteredovertheracegroundsforthemtotrudgeoff
in surrender. Christian loved liability release forms; he wished he had one that could apply
tohislife.

“IhavereadandagreetothetermsandconditionspresentedaboveandunderstandthatIam

willingly accepting risk of any hurt or disappointment sustained while in contact with Christian
Blakeley.Furthermore,Iunderstandthathurtordisappointmentisinescapable.”

Yeah,that’dbeperfect.
Christianwasonhiswaybacktothecheckinstationwhenheheardhisnameoverthe

radio.“Goahead,”heanswered.

“We’re sending out the ifth wave of runners in ifteen minutes,” Gina, a new staffer,

began. “We’re backed up and people are complaining because they’re not checked-in and
they’resupposedtobeinthatwave.”

“Getonthebullhornandannouncethatanyoneintheeleveno’clockwavehasfrontof

lineprivileges.TellMicahtosendoveranyextravolunteershehastohelpout.Thereshould
beenoughpeoplethatthisisn’taproblem.I’llbethereinaminute.”

The crowd was pressing in against the roped off lines when Christian arrived and he

sawthatGinawasstrugglingtogettheirattention.Makinghiswayaround and through, he
was about to hop over one of the tables to help out when a short and stocky man stepped
backwardintohim,hardenoughthatChristianletoutagruntandfellbackward.Hisballcap
andheadsetwereknockedaskewandhisclipboardwent lyingashisasshitthedirt.Itwas
theleastperfectwaytoestablishhisauthority.

“Nice,”Christianmutteredquietly,reachingforhisthingsbeforetheyweretrampled.
“Damn,Este,”adeepvoicecalledoutbehindChristian.“Youalmostkilledtheguy.”
The man—Este, Christian guessed—was already offering a hand and an apology as his

buddiesribbedhim.“Sorry,man.It’satightsqueezeinhere.Ididn’tseeyou.”

Christian accepted the hand up and realized his hat was a lost cause as he stood. This

close he towered over the other man, who was taking in Christian’s tattoos with a curious
eye.Fixinghisheadset,Christianmanagedatightsmileandanodasheslidoverthetable
toptoGina’sside.Whenheheldouthishandforthebullhornshehandeditoverwithrelief
whileheclimbedontoachairsoeveryonecouldseehim.

Halfwaythroughhisannouncementpeoplestartedmovingasdirectedandanewbatch

of volunteers arrived to check racers through. As Christian repeated himself for stragglers,
hiseyesfellonthemanwho’dknockedhim latamomentago.Damn,hewasshort.Hewas
like a ireplug standing next to his buddies, but as a group they were kind of distracting.
Theyweren’tshuf lingorgrowlingoreventalkingtooneanotherastheywaited,andalotof

peopleweresneakingquickglancestheirway.

De initely military. The Marine Corps Eagle, Globe, and Anchor tattoo on one of their

armswasn’ttheonlygiveaway.

Allofthemwerewearingidenticalplaingreent-shirtsandgreenrunningshortsexcept

thetoughestlookingblackmanChristianhadeverseenwhowaswearingrunningpantsand
somekindofpressuresleeveonhisrightarmbeneathhist-shirt.Hesawburnscarsonthe
man’sneckandunderstood.Therewasanotherguywhowassostrikinglygoodlookingthat
Christian wanted to punch him in the stomach for no good reason, though it might’ve been
because he brought Mark’s husband, Zane, to mind and that guy was still a bitter pill for
Christiantoswallow.

Directingtraf ic,Christianlethiseyesslidetothelastguyinthegroupandhenearlyfell

backward off the chair where he was perched. He stopped speaking mid-sentence and
stared.Thebloodinhisbodydroppedfromhisheadtohisfeet,thenshotbackupagainand
hewonderedifhewasmaybegoingtopukealittle.Oralot.

KevinMcGuirefromthenightinfuckingCabowasstanding ifteenfeetawayandstaring

back like he was deciding the best way to break Christian in half over his knee. Christian
swallowed and thought of the napkin in his wallet, his throat closing up tight.Water… Need
water…

The hand holding the megaphone fell to his side and Christian’s mind traveled

backward to a tiny hotel room in a bed next to Kevin and the absolute terror that washed
throughhimwhenherealizedwhathe’ddone.He’dgivenintoalongingandinthemorning
light, with fresh air coming in through the open window, it didn’t matter all of the things
they’dtalkedaboutonthebeach,ortheexhilarationChristianfeltwhenthey’dheldhands,
then kissed, and then—damn, it scared him. So he tried to sneak out, which was impossible
withaguylikeKevinintheroom.Christianshould’verealizedhewasaMarine,oraspy,or
thegayJasonBourne.

There’dbeenalotofblushingandstammeringonChristian’ssideashehoppedaround

getting dressed as Kevin watched, an unreadable light in his eyes. Rolling to his side in the
bed, he scrabbled around for a pen. The only thing available to write on was a cocktail
napkin from a bar and Kevin wrote something on it, folded it, and handed it over. “My
number.Useit,Christian.”

When Christian would have grabbed it and left without saying another word, Kevin

snapped out a hand and caught his arm in a irm grip. Somehow the touch made Christian
forget why he was trying to run away so fast; it made him forget everything actually. Kevin
kissed him and he wanted to stay forever. But this…this thingbetween them… It couldn’t
happen.

Clearly, Kevin had opened up the internal lock box Christian had secreted away years

before.Ithidhismostfrighteningsecretsanddesires.ThenightwithKevinwouldturnout
to be impossible to forget, but he didn’t know this back then. He only knew a relationship
withanothermanwasanon-starter.ChristianletKevinkisshimthatlasttimeandheputall
ofhimselfintokissingbackbecausehewasn’tstickingaround.

He left Kevin in bed, tucked the napkin into his wallet and told himself to let the night

go.Christianwasyoungandstillfiguringoutwhathewantedinlife.Whathedidn’twantwas
tobecrammedintoanexistencethatchallengedhimpersonallyormadehimuncomfortable.
Tohim,gayequaledruined.

Christian’s hand tightened around the megaphone at the memories and suddenly the

thing was shrieking an alarm in his ingers. Almost everyone linched and he had to juggle

thebullhorntofindthesilencingbutton.

His stock as Event Manager was rapidly tanking. Years after one of his most cowardly

acts, he was putting on a sound show in front of the man who’d set the bar in his life.
FightingwiththemegaphonemeanthedroppedeyecontactwithKevinandwhenhiseyes
huntedandfoundhimagain,theothermanwaslookingstonilyahead.Hisgreeneyeswere
narrowed to slits in his hardened face and his jaw was so tight Christian lexed his own
sympathetically.

One of Kevin’s buddies elbowed him to step forward and the precious safety bubble

around Christian popped. The noise of checkin was suddenly maxed out in his ears and he
wasdisorientedbyit.Someoneaskedaquestioninhisearpiece,butitdidn’tregister.People
seemed unaware that he had traveled through more than ive years in a moment and that
hisworldwasnowpear-shaped.Itwasdamnedinconsiderateofthemtobeoblivious.

ThebigblackguybesideKevinwaslookingatChristianwithmistrustthatborderedon

hostility. He said something and Christian was pretty sure Kevin’s answer was, “That’s
nobody.”

Nobody.Okay. That was true. He was nobody years ago. He was twenty-three and

crippled by his own ego—shit, he was still in ego rehab. That night was scary, though, and
Christiandidn’tknowwhathadgivenhimthethreesecondsofcouragehe’dneededtotake
Kevin’s hand and go with him. Once he decided, though, he didn’t hesitate to trust. The
braveryandthesenseofcomfortfadedbymorning.

But today? Christian could besomebody, right? Couldn’t he make amends, or tell the

truth,orexplainhowithadbeen?Wouldn’tthatsavedphonenumbercountforsomething?
ItwasatalismantoChristian.Itwasalsoahintintohisraggedpsyche.

He wavered. The title ofNobody was a hard thing to come back from. In a few more

secondsofre lectionhemadewhatseemedlikeahundreddecisionsallatonce,butthemost
importantwastotalktoKevin.Now.Today.Therewasn’tgoingtobeanymorerunning.

***

“Why is L.A. Ink over there staring at you? Do you know him?” Jack asked, twisting

aroundtogetanotherglimpse.“Hedoesn’tknowhowtoworkabullhorn.Mynephewcould
doitandhe’sthree.”

Kevin was still too busy breathing his way through a near embolism to respond. The

part of him that was panicking and running in circles was hidden, but it was a close thing.
Making sense of this wasn’t going to work because all he was thinking was that Christian
Blakely was feet away and the night before Kevin had wimped out looking at a picture of
him.Cosmiccrueltywasapparentlyatwork.

It was so long ago that Kevin had seen him in that club so why was it so easy to

rememberwhatmusicwasplayingandthewayitfeltwhenChristiantookhishandforthe

irsttime?Whydidhehaveaperfectlypreservedpictureofthehotelroominhismind,and

thewayChristianmovedandspokeandsmiled?

Kevin’s hands twitched as though he were feeling Christian’s skin beneath his ingers

again. He blinked and his jaw clenched as he noted all the changes in the other man: the
tattoos,obviously,hisretrorock‘n’rollhair,theconfidence—welluntilthebullhornthing.

Why was Christian here, though? Why did they have to be here at thesame time? God,

whatifRisa iguredthisout?Kevinglancedaroundfrantically,hopinghislittlesisterwasstill

inthespectatorticketline.

JacknoticedKevin’sbehaviorandgavehimanotheroddlook.
“We’reupguys,”Moneysaidoverhisshoulder.
KevinsqueezedinbehindhisfriendsandwatchedasMoneyandEstehandedoverID

cards and release forms for the race. Christian was somewhere behind him and he refused
to indoutexactlywhere.Hewantedtogetthroughregistration,runtheobstaclecourseand
keepasfarawayfromthatblonddevilashecould.

Thatwasalie.
HewantedtoturnaroundandwalkuptoChristian,thenpushhimreally hard.Next, he

wantedtograbhimandpushhimdownagain.Afterthat,Kevinwouldtellhimallthethings
he’dwantedtosayovertheyearswhenherememberedtheirnighttogether.Hewantedto
callChristianacoward.He’dyellitallatthetopofhislungs,ifhecould.

Kevin couldn’t stand a weakling and Christian’s actions shouted weakness. He was

pissed because after he accepted that Christian needed to take it slow the night they met,
there had been a connection—it could’ve been so much more than a one night thing.
Christiannulledthatoptionbyrunningaway.

Kevin had never before stayed up talking and getting to know a man he was attracted

to;hishistorywassprinkledwithclandestinemeetings,hurriedsex,andrushedorgasms.It
hadn’t been about companionship or love because that kind of shit was a risk. He didn’t
thinkhe’devergoforthesituationwhereaguywaitedathomeforhimtoreturnfromwar;
it was such shaky ground and his career mattered to him, second only to his little sister.
Kevin’smistakethatnightwithChristianwasbreakingfromhismoldandinvestinginakid
toogreentoknowwhathewanted.

Christian ran and never called, and most of Kevin’s fury was a product of still giving a

fuck. Forgetting rejection was impossible. He shouldn’t have cared when he saw Christian
making out on the front page of a tabloid magazine months ago andyearsafter their night
together. He shouldn’t care that he was seeing him face to face now. But Kevin did care.
Becausehewasafuckwit.

Sure, disappear and never call! It’s not important. I give my number out to every confused

fratboyImeet.MaybeChristianonlylikedunavailablemen,becausethatMarkNewlandguy
hekissedwastotallytaken.Kevinhadcheckeditout.Hewasevenmarriednow.

TheheatfromKevin’sangerwasrisingandthetipsofhisearswerehot,asuresignhe

was on unsteady footing. Jack was still shooting questioning glances his way so Kevin acted
like he was reviewing his consent form when he really wanted to tear it up and knock over
thecheckintent.

MoneyandEstemovedofftothegearcheckandheandJackbellieduptothetablewith

theirIDsandformsready.Theteenagerinfrontofthem,wearingared“Volunteer”t-shirt,
reachedfortheirpaperworkjustasaheavilytattooedarmcrossedtheirvisionandsnatched
itaway.

“Igotthesetwo,Ben.Goaheadandgetthenextgroup.”
Kevin’sjawcincheddowneventighterandheknewhisskinwasprobablybubblingas

it seemed the only thing holding back his rage. This was really bad. With so little distance
between them, Kevin had to call on reserve patience in order to keep from dragging the
othermanacrossthetabletopandtyinghiminknots.

The asshole had the nerve to look better than he had years ago. His voice was deeper,

too.

Kevinbithistongue.

Christian didn’t say anything else and Volunteer Ben moved on, calling out to the next

people in line. Jack was taking all of this in and his body had gone rigid from the tension
blasting off of Kevin. He reluctantly allowed Christian to check his name on the roster and
acceptedthebagwithhisshirtandracenumberasitwashandedover.Whenitlookedlike
hewasgoingtowaitforKevintogethisthings,Kevinshookhisheadfirmly.

“Go.I’llcatchup,”hesaid,lowandunyielding.
JackscowledatChristianoncemoreinashowofsolidarityandwalkedaway.Thiswould

requireanexplanationlater—yetanotherthingtodread.

“Kevin.”
ThesoundofChristian’svoiceforcedKevin’seyesclosedashetriedtowipehismental

slate clean—not because he wanted to start over with this man like some stupid fairy tale,
but because he wanted the freedom of neutrality and detachment.Breathe in the calm
serenity,breatheoutfuckingshitsackcowards.

This doesn’t have to be a big deal, he reminded himself. Get your things and go. You

havemovedpastthis.

When he met Christian’s hazel eyes, Kevin was prepared for the shockwave and was

proud that he didn’t give his uneasiness away. A nod was his only acknowledgment he’d
been addressed and with his jaw only slightly clenched now, he waited in silence for
Christiantostopstaring.

Several seconds passed before he inally looked over the release form and retrieved

Kevin’s registration packet. Face-to-face, Christian was a physical pull on Kevin’s energy.
Actingunaffectedwastaxingthehelloutofhim,butBlondiewouldn’thandoverthepacket.
Instead, he tucked it under his arm so he could have both hands free to fold up Kevin’s
consentform.Onthesideofhisrighthand,fromhiswristtothebaseofhispinky ingerwas
theword“regret”inallcaps.WhenChristianslippedtheconsentformintohisbackpocket,
allKevin’sremainingpatienceevaporated.

HesnatchedthepacketfromChristianandnearlytrampledtwoteenagedgirlssporting

kneesocksandpigtailsashepushedthroughthecrowdafterhisfriends.Heheardhisname
calledandkeptwalking.Risastillwasn’taroundandhecranedhisnecksearchingforherin
thespectatorlines.Shewasnowinsideandneartheropeswavingathim,readytocheerhim
onandsnaphundredsofpicturestheywouldlookthroughlater.

He was almost to her side when he heard his name again, closer this time. Risa had

noticed Christian so Kevin spun around to head him off. He couldn’t let her hear whatever
theothermanwasabouttosay.Threestrideswereallneededtoclosethedistanceandhe
thrusttwofingersagainsttheyoungerman’schest,forcinghimtobackpedal.

“Youdon’tfuckingfollowme.Youdon’tspeaktome,gotit?”
There was a small spark of fear in Christian’s eyes that was quickly replaced by

somethinglikedetermination.“No.Idon’t‘gotit.’”

Kevin chanced a look at Risa and her interest in the hushed conversation made him

panic a little. “What do you want?” he hissed. “Why don’t you go back to work and let this
die?”

Christian shook his head, then spat out a curse as he tore the ear piece out of his ear

distractedly.“Ican’t.Ineedtotalktoyou—toexplain.”

Withoutrealizing,Kevinsteppedcloserandloweredhisvoiceanothernotch.“Thisisnot

the time or the place to hash out your chicken shit ways. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a
mediocrememoryandawasteofmytime.”

ThetwingeKevinfeltashewatchedhurtandembarrassment loodChristian’sfeatures

wastheexactoppositeofwhatheexpectedtoexperience.Christian’seyesfellawayandhe
ranahandoverhismouthuncertainly.ThemovementpingedsomethinginKevin’smemory
andhefoughtdownhisrisingshamewithreasonswhyChristiandeservedtohearthis.

“Christian!” A guy from the race staff was jogging toward them and it took Christian

several seconds to come back to the surface and realize his name was being called. Very
slowly,hereplacedhisearpiece,listenedforasecond,thenrattledoffananswerinadazed
voice.

TheminuteChristianturnedtodealwiththenewcomer,Kevinwalkedaway.Hetriedto

cheer himself on, silently telling himself things like,“Nowyou’re the one leaving his ass,” and
“Waytogetthatshitoffofyourchest,Kev.Bam.Youlethimhaveit,” but truthfully, he wasn’t
nearlyassatisfiedashewantedtobe,whichwassuchbullshit.

That jackass still affected him and Kevin hated it. He didn’t want Risa seeing him

knockedoffbalanceandhecertainlydidn’twanthisbuddiesrealizingwhatwasgoingon.

Kevin didn’t give a damn about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. He didn’t care that it had been

repealedandthatgayservicememberswereabletodeclarewhotheywerewithoutfearof
discharge. First and foremost, Kevin was a private man. Even if he slept with a different
woman every night, he’d keep it to himself. He cared about doing his job well and he cared
abouthisMarines,buthedidn’twanttoknow,nordidhecarewhattheydidintheirspare
time,andtheydidn’tneedtoknowabouthispersonallife.HehadnocluewhatJack,Money,
andEstewouldthinkiftheyknewthetruth,buttodaywasnotthedaytofindout.

Reaching Risa, he ignored the curious look on her face and handed her his gear. There

wasn’t enough time to leave it at the gear check tent and he could see his friends near the
startinglinewaitingforhim.TheirheadsweretogetherandtheywerelookingpastKevinto
whereheandChristianwereamomentbefore.

ThiswasChristian’sfault.Whycouldn’theletitgoandpretendthey’dneverseeneach

otherlikeanynormalguywould?Feignpost-coitalblindnessoramnesia.Whatwasupwith
thedeclarationsofemotions,thatmouthandthoseeyes,pleadingforaminuteoftime?

“Yournumber,”Risasaid,snappinghimbacktoreality.
“What?”
Sheheldouthisracenumberandthesafetypinsthatcamewithit.“Yournumber.”
He took it from her with numb ingers and attached it to his t-shirt. She watch him

fumblearoundsilentlyandwhenhewasdoneshereachedintothebagandpulledoutthe
timetracker.

“You’resupposedtotieitinwithyourshoelaces,Iguess.”
Kevin ducked down and wove the laces through the tracker, retying his shoe when he

wasfinished.“Doyoumindholdingontomystuff?”heasked,notmeetinghereyes.

“No,” she licked him in the arm—hard—and he scowled back at her. “Who was that?”

sheasked,ignoringhisdirtylook.“Doyouknowhim?Itseemedlikeyouknewhim.”

Againsthiswill,Kevin’sheadturnedbacktowhereheleftChristian.Theothermanwas

nowhereinsight.Kevinshrugged.“He’snobody.”

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERFOUR

Embarrassment was a multi-headed beast and as Christian went through the motions,

everynowandthenoneofthoseheadswouldrearhisdirectionandhe’dbeswallowedup
in another wave of morti ication. As he moved from checkpoint to checkpoint, there was a
dullringinginhisearsthatmadeittwiceashardtoconcentrate.Hisskinwasalmosttender
from the heat that washed through him time and again as he pictured Kevin’s face and
rememberedhiswords.

WhatwasmostridiculouswasthatsomeidealisticpartofChristianexpectedadifferent

reaction. It’s not like Kevin had come across as easygoing the night they irst met, and that
was before Christian turned dickless and scurried off to safety; it was no wonder the guy
nowhatedhim.Overpoweringattractionandamagneticdrawtowardoneanotherwould’ve
beenamuchpreferredoutcome.

“…you’reamediocrememoryandawasteofmytime.”
ItwouldtakeChristianaweektoremovethatparticulararrowfromhisheart.Mediocre

wasareallyuglywordforallitsunremarkableness.

KevinMcGuire.Shit.
Christianploddedthroughhisdutiesafterseeinghim,butpartofhisjobwastomonitor

checkpoints and some awful demon of fate had him arriving at several just in time to see
Kevin and his friends powering through an obstacle. At one point Christian caught sight of
the four men thigh deep in a mud bog, specks of mud as far up their bodies as their faces.
Kevin’s face was lit up in a half-smile, half-grimace as he fought his way forward. His black
hairgleamedunderthesunandhisshirtwastautagainsthischest.Hewasbiggerandeven
moreimpressivethanhe’dbeenallthoseyearsago.

WatchingKevinhadthoseoldfamiliarfriends,sadnessandself-loathing,steppingupto

takeChristian’shands.TherehadbeenapossibilityforthemthatnightinCabo.Whoknows,
theycould’vebecometherealdeal.Acouple.ItwaswithintheirgraspandChristianwasthe
onetoruinit.

At the last obstacle before the inal mile of the race, four hours after the eleven o’clock

wave set out, Christian saw Kevin’s friend, Este, go down hard. A series of ropes had been
stretched taut between hulking logs set like pillars in the ground. Participants had to walk
theropeswhileholdingontoaguidetetherovertheirheads,allwithoutfallingintothemud
pit below. Easy in theory, the task increased in dif iculty as more and more people tracked
mudovertheropesandrunnersrealizedtheyweregreasedeveryfewfeetaswell.

FromChristian’svantagepoint,itlookedlikeEste’sfeetslippedandhishandslosttheir

gripasheattemptedtocatchhimself.Theangleofhisfallwasbadandwithoutevenbeing
theretoask,Christianknewitwasabrokencollarbone.

Kevindroppedtothegroundimmediately,asdidthetwoothermenintheteam.Their

friend wasn’t making much noise, but as Christian neared, radioing ahead for assistance as
hecame,hesawthatEste’seyesweresquintedshutwithalookofhorriblepain.

Christianbrokehiscollarbonewhenhewassixyearsold.Itwasanindescribableagony

forhislittlekidbraintowraparound.Hecouldn’timagineitasanadult.

At his approach, Kevin’s head snapped up. Fully prepared for the expression of

impatience that lashed over the man’s features, Christian was able to cushion the blow

whenitcame.Hehelduphishandsdon’tshootmestyleandkneltdownbesidethegroup.

Este was cradling his arm to his body and trying to scoot up to a sitting position. He

gruntedandsworeinSpanish.

Someone from the med team would head over in a golf cart, but with runners tiring

toward the end of the race, the closest medical checkpoint was packed with twisted ankles,
bloodynoses,cutsandjammedfingers.

“Didyoucallsomebodyaboutthis?”themalesupermodelhe’dseenearlierasked.
Christian barely restrained a glare. “I did and so did the staff on this obstacle.” He

turned back to Este, trying very hard to pretend Kevin was a stranger he’d never met or
sleptwith.Theirarmsbrushed—fortheloveofGod!—astheygaveEstesomespace.“Think
you can make it over to my ride?” Christian pointed to the waiting cart he used to shuttle
betweencheckpoints.

Este nodded and grunted as his friends helped him stand. He was pale, but steady on

hisfeet.

“Youguysfinish,”hegrowledlow.“I’llmeetyouattheend.”
Almostasonetheyshooktheirheadsandsaid,“No.”
“It’sagoddamngolfcart,culos!”Estebarked.
“Nooffensetaken,”Kevinsnappedback.“Getinthecart.We’recomingwithyou.”
Este’sfrownwasforbiddingenoughthatChristiantookastepbacktogivethemroomto

decidewhattodo.

“We’reonemilefromthefinish?”EstesnarledatChristian.
“Yeah.Onemile,butIdon’tknowifyoushould—”
“Hurry up, assholes,” he grunted, holding his arm tight against his body as he stepped

offinthedirectionofthefinish.We’rewalking.”

Kevin followed irst, like he couldn’t wait to get away, then the supermodel, which left

Christian standing alone with Jack—he’d learned his name from his ID at checkin. “Your
friendreallyshouldn’tbedoingthis.Someoneneedstotakealookathisshoulder,oratleast
getitintoasling.”

Jack gave him an assessing glance and started off after his friends. “He signed the

waiver.Whatareyouworriedabout?”

Let’s start a list!Christian let out a frustrated breath and jogged to the cart. The group

hadn’tmadeitfar,soitwaseasyforhimtocatchup.Estewasn’twalking,hewasdoingasort
of shuf ling run while trying to keep his upper body still. Kevin and the supermodel were
keepingpacealongsidehimandasmuchasChristianwantedtosoakuptheopportunityto
stare without getting punched in the kisser, he had an obligation as the manager to avoid
killingspectatorswithagolfcart.

Astheyapproachedthe inishline,ChristianwascloseenoughtohearEsteshout,“Smile

for the camera, pussies!” then saw him give a ghastly grin to the same lady he’d watched
Kevin talking to at the starting line. The Marines all smiled like they meant it, but the
momenttheycrossedthe inishline,mud-soakedandbeat-up,theconcernwasbackontheir
faces.

ChristianpulledupalongsidethemandwavedforEstetoclimbaboard.“Doyouwantto

run a victory lap next, or can we inally get you checked out?” The guy scowled at him and
moved carefully to the back of the cart as his friends looked on. “Good choice,” Christian
glaredback.“Gimmeahighfive.Oh—wait—”

“Screwyou,”Esteactuallysmiled.
WithKevinwatchingsoclosely,Christianreallywishedhewasdrivingsomethingmore

impressive,somethingthatgavearoarandarumbleinsteadofabattery-poweredsighashe
droveoff.Therewasn’tenoughbarrellefttoscrapehere.

The girl who was picture-snapping at the inish line had been watching him with

interest—not the kind that said she wanted to melt his underpants off of him and roll all
over his body, but more like he was a curious artifact. Kevin was apparently very good at
keepinghislipszippedbecauseshedidn’tseemtoknowaboutthem.

Christian dropped off the Hobbit cursing in his backseat and went back to work. He

didn’t want to run into Kevin again. Each time he saw the other man his lungs got blustery
andhehatedthehollowedoutsensationthatcamewithit.

Laterthatnight,lockedinhishotelroomandsearchingfortheenergytogetupandrun

the event one more time tomorrow, he stared bleakly at the ceiling. Kevin wouldn’t show,
thank God. The only thing that could be worse than a reunion with the only man he’d ever
beenwith,wasifChristian’sfamilyrandomlyshowedup.Theirpresenceinanyoneplaceat
thesametimecausedexplosiveoutwarddramaticsthatcouldflattensmallcommunities.

“Whereare you tonight, Kevin McGuire?” he whispered. “And do you feel as lousy as I

do?”

***

Kevin of icially reached dick status the moment he realized that Este’s broken collar

bone was the best thing to happen to him all day. With that as a distraction, no one would
thinktoaskaboutChristianandhowtheyknewoneanother.Risawasprobablythebiggest
risk, but her naturally sympathetic attitude to Este’s plight trumped her curiosity. Este
would’ve loved to be nursed by her for the entire evening, but Kevin sent him and Money
back to their hotel around eight. Of course this was after everyone took their turns
showering and made it look like they’d wrestled pigs in the bathroom. Este wasn’t the
neatestguywhenallhispartswereworkingcorrectlymuchlessaddingabrokenbonetothe
mix.

JackwasrackedoutonthecouchnoteventenminutesaftertheguysleftandRisawas

curledupinanarmchair,downloadingracepicturesfromhercamera.

As Kevin crawled between the sheets his body protested in odd places. His obliques

werereallytightandhisleftshoulderwassore.Hehadnocluewhichactivitieswereatfault,
orifitwassimplyacombinationofalltheobstacles.

Heturnedoffhisbedsidelampandenjoyedthewaythedarknessentirelysurrounded

him and seeped into his skin. It wasn’t even nine thirty and there he was, expecting to fall
asleep.Whowashekidding?

Let’sinventorythisday,shallwe,hethought.“No.Nevermind,”hewhisperedtohimself,

“let’snot.”

Christianwasanass.Hestillisanass,Kevinthought.Itwasde initelygoodthathewas

abletoputhiminhisplace.Hewasn’tgoingtowadeintoaswampofhorseshittoclearup
Christian’sguilt.

Kevincouldlethimgoforever.
Neverseehimagain.
Getsomesleep…
Four hours later, Kevin was still staring up at the darkened ceiling while his mind ran

throughthatnightattheclubforthehundredthtime.

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERFIVE

Fourlargepizzaswerelaidoutonthecountertopandtheguysweregrabbingslab-like

piecesandslidingthemontotheirplatesliketheyweren’tgoingtoseefoodagainforalong
time. Risa was daintily chewing on a slice of pepperoni and sausage at the kitchen table,
while Este, Money, and Jack jockeyed for position in front of the food. Este was balancing
everything in one hand, gimping for all he was worth, as Money went to take a seat next to
Risa. Kevin raised an eyebrow his direction and Money changed course to lean in the
doorway,adjustinghisholdonhisplatesohecould lipKevinoff.Risadidn’tnoticebecause
shewastoobusystaringatJackwhilehisbackwasturned.

Kevin didn’t like the vibe he’d been getting from the two of them all weekend.

Whenever he’d enter a room where they were alone together, hushed conversations would
stop abruptly. They watched one another in turns with the kind of expressions usually
reserved for solving complex equations. Kevin watched Jack carefully, trying to read his
intentions. When he took the seat beside Risa, completely ignoring the warning stare that
scaredMoneyaway,Jacksmiledlikehewasfullofsecrets.

Aswiftpunchtothekidneyswouldtakecareofthat,Kevinthought.
Thedoorbellrangashewasdiggingthroughtheremainingpizzaslicesanddecidingif

he had any appetite at all. It was almost eight on a Sunday night. Who the hell wanted to
dropbynow?God,pleasedon’tletitbeSelena,hegroanedquietly,thoughhecouldfoisther
offonMoneyifheneededto,andhe’dhaveherweepingintoherpillowinnotime.

“Coming,” he shouted, impatient with the distraction from his surveillance of Risa. She

was chuckling softly over something Jack murmured to her. There was way too much
murmuringgoingonforKevin’staste.

Heswungthedoorwideandalmostslammeditclosedwhenhecameface-to-facewith

Christian. His blood turned to knives and attacked his heart as he stared in shock at the
youngerman’sresoluteexpression.

“Whoisit?”RisacalledoutandKevinfranticallylookedoverhisshoulderbeforeyelling

thathe’donlybeaminute.

HesteppedontotheporchandintoChristian’sspacewithhisteethclenched.“Whatare

youdoinghere?”

Christian didn’t back up this time even though he’d given ground the day before.

Reaching into his back pocket he pulled out a folded piece of paper and pursed his lips
nervously.Kevinneverwantedtopunchanyonesobadly.

“Your release form. It has your information on it,” Christian said softly and licked a

glance over Kevin’s shoulder through the living room window like he knew whoever was
insidemightbelistening.

“Isn’tthatillegaloragainstsomekindofpolicy?”Kevinspat.“Icouldreportyou.”
Christianshrugged.“Itookachance.Ihadtotalktoyou.”
KevinwalkedforwardandpushedagainstChristianuntilhewasforcedbackwarddown

theporchstepstothesmallgateattheyard’sedge.“Iwantyoutogo.Now.”Heopenedthe
gateandshovedChristianthroughit.“Don’tcomeback.”

“Kevin,please.”
“Go.”

“Hearmeout.”
AblackHummerH2wasparkedatthecurbandKevingrabbedholdofChristian’sshirt

and pressed him roughly against the driver’s door. There was such rage boiling inside him
that even he was surprised by it. The neutrality and detachment he’d wanted so badly still
hadn’tshownup.

Christian’s hands locked around Kevin’s wrists and tightened until Kevin’s hold gave

way.“Youhavetohearmeout.”

With a violent tug, Kevin tried to yank his hands free, but Christian moved with him,

easily balancing Kevin’s strength with a move meant to keep him off balance. He pivoted
nextanditwasKevin’sturntobeflattenedagainsttheHummer.

Christiantightenedhisgripagainuntiltheirchestswereseparatedonlybythatholdon

Kevin’swrists.TheywerebothtallandChristianlookedstraightintohiseyes,hisbreathing
heavy with the sudden exertion of keeping Kevin in place. His mouth was close enough to
kissandwhenhespoke,thetickleofairfromhisbreathmadeKevin’slipspart.

Irritated that he was responding to the show of strength, Kevin turned his head away

and focused his glare down the sidewalk toward his neighbor’s house. If he wanted to use
forceandhurtChristian,hecould,buthispresentcircumstanceswerebadenough.Thesky
wasdarkeningandKevinprayednoonewouldseehiminsuchacompromisingposition.

Don’tlookhimintheeye.Getbackinside.
ChristianwasstrongandhewaspressinghismouthincloseruntilKevinfelttheheatof

hiswordsonthesensitiveskinbeneathhisear.Ithadbeenalongtimesinceamanwasthis
closetohim,touchinghimsofamiliarly.

“Maytwentieth,sixyearsago,”Christianwhispered.“ItwasaSaturdaynight.Youwere

wearing a black t-shirt and cargo shorts. Your hair was buzzed. Do you want to know what
songwasplaying?”

Kevin’s anger returned in a rush and he yanked free from Christian’s hold, stumbling

forward onto the sidewalk. He didn’t need a reminder about that night; it was fucking
burnedinhisbrain.

“Shutup,Christian.”Hisvoicesoundedweakandhehatedit.
“Iwon’t.Imaybeamediocrememorytoyou,butyou’remoretomethanthat.”
“Saveit,”Kevinsnarled.Blondieprobablytoldthattoalltheguys.
“That woman yesterday, was that your girlfriend?” Christian changed the subject and

Kevinblinkedinconfusion.“Doessheliveherewithyou?”

“Areyoukiddingme?I’mnottellingyouaboutmylife!”
“Does she know?” Christian stepped forward and looked toward the house. “I have a

littleexperiencewiththatanditonlycausesproblems.”

“Oh?”Kevingrowled.“Soyou’reanequalopportunityasshole?Guysandgirls?”
“Kevin.Iknowhavingmehereisasurprise.Iknowyou’reupset.”
“LeaveandI’llfeelalotbetter.”
“Sixyearsago,Iwould’veleft—hell,Iwouldn’thavecomeoverinthe irstplace.Maybe

even six months ago I would’ve shrugged this off. But I’ve got to believe that I saw you
yesterdayforareasonandthatwe’reinthesameplaceforareason.”Christian’sexpression
wassoearnestitmadeKevin’sstomachlurch.

“Is this the part where you tell me you’re a changed man?” Kevin found himself

stepping closer as his voice lowered to an angry hiss. He could think of nothing worse than
hisbuddiescomingoutsidetohearthisconversation.“Haveyoucometotermswithyourtrue
selfandneedtomakeamends?Thenwhat?Imeltatyourmerepresenceandwegorunning

throughafieldoffuckingdaisies?”

Christianactuallyhadthenervetosmile.“You’resucha hardass.Andyes,I’dverymuch

likeyoutomeltatmymerepresence,butclearly,that’snotgoingtoworkout.I’mprobably
allergictodaisies,sothatidea’snogoodeither.”

Oh.Sonowhestartsinwiththecharm.Fucker.
“Then what are you looking for from whatever confessions you’ve got to make?” Kevin

knew the question made it seem like he was considering giving in, so he countered with
harshness.“Iwillnotwastetimeonyou,Christian.Oncewasenough.”

Christiansuckedinabreaththroughhisnoselikehewasabsorbingablow.“Maybe…I

don’tknow.Maybeyoucanhearmeoutandthere’sachancewecouldbe—”

Kevin covered his eyes and dropped his head back with a groan. “I’m not hearing this.

We’renotgoingtobetogether.Nowayinhell.”

Christians eyebrows popped up. “I was going to say ‘friends.’ Maybe we could be

friends.Idon’thavealotofthose.”

Kevin met his eyes again and wished he hadn’t. Christian’s words had just the right

amountofpathetichopemixedwithhonestythatthenaturalresponse,whichwastoexpress
a lack of surprise at Christian’s friendless state, seemed like overkill. Kevin had made his
point.Hewaspissed.Hisreactionshaddonenothingtohidethatasmuchashedidn’twant
tocareaboutonenightsolongago,hestilldid.

ForsomereasonRisacametomindashestoodtheredebatingwhattodo.Ifshewerein

his shoes, she would still be giving this guy chances. Kevin didn’t think he could do it. His
experience with Christian told him that interaction would lead to a lot of useless pain. The
added dif iculty was that Christian was this unique combination of “the one who got away”
and“thecowardlyshitbirdwhostompedonhisheart.”Itwasincrediblydif iculttobalance
the feelings that came with the two. Kevin wanted to stand behind his pride and eliminate
theyoungermanfromhislife;hedidn’twanttoseemvulnerabletohimatall.Atthesame
time,hewantedChristiantopleadwithhim.Hewantedareasontogivein.

Christian was watching him and waiting, no expectation either way in his gaze. Kevin

movedtospeakandthefrontdoorofthehouseopened.

Ohno.
Kevinwasn’tclosetoChristian,butheshotbackliketheyweretouchingasRisastepped

ontotheporchwithJackclosebehindher.

“Hey,” Risa said, smiling. She looked at Christian and recognized him. “Oh! I remember

youfromtheraceyesterday.Hi!”

ChristiannoddedonceatherandJackwithanuneasysmile.
“Everythingalright,Kev?”Jackasked,alltheusualwarmthinhisvoiceabsent.
“Fine,”hecroaked.“Hewasjustleaving.”
“Kevin,”Christianspokesoftly,thepleadingtonebackinhisvoice.
ThewayChristiansaidhisnamewasalmosttoointimate.KevinturnedtoRisaandJack

andaskedforanotherminutealone.Itwastoolatetocoverupthevisitnow.Whenhissister
and best friend were back inside—albeit standing in the living room so they could see out
thefrontwindow—Kevinclearedhisthroat.

“Iwillnottalkaboutthisanymorehere,”hemurmured.
“Butsomewhereelse?”Christiansteppedforward.“Please?”
Kevinthoughthismindwouldtearintwo,rightdownthemiddle,over the struggle he

washavingwithinhimself.“Where?When?”hefinallyasked.

“Tomorrownight?Myhouse?”Kevin’seyeswidenedindisbeliefandChristianheldhis

hands up. “No ulterior motives. It’s quiet and I live alone so you won’t have to worry about
people overhearing, which I’m guessing would be an issue.” He glanced toward the front
windowandbackagain.

“Wheredoyoulive?”
Christian’sansweringsmilehitwithfullforce,addingtoKevin’sirritability.“I’lltextyou

withitlater.”

“How do you have my cell—oh, never mind. My consent form.” Christian grinned again

likehe’dthoughtofsomethingfunnyandKevincursedunderhisbreath.“Fine.Textme.But
go,wouldyou?”

Christian hesitated for a moment, then nodded and unlocked the Hummer, sliding into

thedriver’sseatwithoutabackwardglance.“I’llbeintouch,”hesaidandstartedtheengine.

Kevin allowed himself a few seconds relief that Christian was inallyleaving before he

turnedandsawJackandRisaatthewindow,flankedoneithersidebyEsteandMoney.

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERSIX

SpinclasswasaspecialtypeofhellforChristian.Hewenttwotimesaweekbecausehe

couldn’tstandtobearoundthepeopleintheclassmoreoftenthanthat.Theyweremostly
womenwhowerealltoochipper,tooearlyinthemorning.Theywerealloldenoughtohave
kids in high school and before each class they’d mill around discussing what teenaged Billy
gotcaughtdoingthenightbefore,orsweetBecca’sphotographycourse,whilethemeninthe
class unapologetically stared. The instructor, Toby, was a thirty-something blond guy who
would’vebeenattractiveifhedidn’tyelloutstufflike,“Pushupthathill!Visualizeitinyour
mind!Squeezeoutthosecheeseburgers!”everyminute.

How‘boutyousqueezethis.
Thatbeingsaid,itwasagoodworkoutandChristianwaswillingtosacri icesomesocial

comfortforthecontinuedbettermentofhislegs—hismostfavoritephysicalasset.

On the average Monday morning, Christian lured himself out of bed for class with the

promise of a strong coffee afterward, but this morning, he was awake, in the car, and
disgustinglybright-eyed.Itwasamazingwhatgettinghiswaydidforhisconfidence.

Kevinhadagreedtoseehim.Tonight.
This was the best thing to happen to him in years. Christian wanted to plan out the

perfect things to say, but he knew it would be a wasted effort. If it was too rehearsed, it
wouldseeminsincereandKevinwouldpointthatout.Withthisoneopportunityinhisgrasp,
heknewhecouldn’twasteitwithflatteryorsurfaceshit.

Christian, for once, actually wanted to take responsibility for his actions. He wanted to

convince Kevin that he wasn’t a piece of crap at heart. He wanted to do what he said last
nightandbecomefriends.

ThenighttheymetinCabo,theyhadn’tstruggledforconversationandbeforeChristian

evenletKevinkisshimthey’dsatonthebeachtalkingforhours.Heknewhecouldn’texpect
the same easy exchange—what with Kevin’s burning anger and all, but he wasn’t going to
giveuphope.

“Alright everybody!” Toby hollered from the doorway into the microphone headset he

wore.“Hoponyoursteedsandlet’stakeourbodiesonajourney!Cool?”

Goodmoodornot,Christiandecidedhehatedthispastel-wearingman.
The chattering stopped and Toby started. “Look alive! Embrace this moment because

we’retakingsteponeonthisquesttototaltransformation,folks.”

Folkyou.
TobyyammeredandChristiantunedhimout,standinguponhispedalsandincreasing

theresistanceashecontemplatedwhathisnextmovewouldbe.Lastnight he was seconds
away from getting his ass kicked and he didn’t want to antagonize Kevin and guarantee it
happeningtonight.

Christianhadthefeelingthatnomatterwhathappened,whetherKevinheardhimout,

or yelled at him and left, they had to meet in order for Christian to be able to get past his
memories.Maybetherewassomeoneelseoutthereforhimandthisbuilt-upfantasyneeded
tobebulldozedforhimtomoveon.Hewasn’treallysurewhathewantedasanendresult,
but for the moment there was such relief because for the irst time in years he wasn’t
thinking,WhatifIrunintoKevinagainsomeday?

Thehardestpartwasover.

“This is your moment to shine, people! Think about what you want. See that outcome.

Takeit!”Tobycried.

Amen.

***

Kevin’scellphonewasneverfarfromhimalldayMondayandevenifheknewithadn’t

madeasound,itseemedto lyintohishandeveryfewminuteslikehewasyankingitfroma
holster.Nonotifications.Nomessages.

Whyinthehellwashedoingthistohimself?OverChristianBlakely,too!
He sighed and went back to reviewing the Op Order for the next week’s ield training.

TheyweredoingaCompany-wideurbanoperationoutattheCombatTowntheyreferredto
as“Logan’sAlley.”KevinwasresponsibleforensuringMRE’s,gearandweaponswereissued
beforebootshittheground.Oncetheoperationbegan,hewasgoingtobedealingwiththe
logistics of “prisoner” evacuations, as well as monitoring comms for resource coordination
andcasualties.Sometimeshemissedthatsquad-levelfeelingheusedtohave,withcomplete
immersion into the list of objectives meant to be accomplished. The scope of his work was
muchbroadernow.

The exercise was coming at a good time. The Company had been home long enough to

see some of the Marines getting lazy about little and big things alike, and that pissed Kevin
offbecauseoneperson’slazinesscouldgetanyoneshotintheass,orworse.Thelastexercise
found three of the younger guys searching for weapons they’d left unattended when they
wereeating—abootcamp,rookiemistake.

Kevin had rounded up their weapons and set them aside, waiting for the Marines to

notice they were missing what were supposed to be their best friends in the world. The
dawningterroroneachoftheirfacesstillsethimoffwhenhethoughtofit.

Kevin had grabbed the kid with the highest rank, which wasn’t saying much for the

guy’stimeinservice,andpracticallydraggedhimovertotheothertwooffenderswhowere
abouttopeetheirpantsatthesealingoftheirdoom.

“Corporal Hastings!” Kevin spat, causing nearly all of the Marines surrounding them to

swivel his direction. “There’s a little saying that’s near and dear to my heart. Maybe you
knowit.Maybeyoucaneventellmewhatitis.”

Hastings shriveled next to him, staring up with wide eyes. “I don’t think so, Gunnery

Sergeant,”hesputtered.

“A Marine without his weapon is fucking— inish my sentence for me, Hastings. We’ve

knowneachotherlongenoughtofinisheachother’ssentences,wouldn’tyousay?”

Hastings reddened further. “A Marine without his weapon is ineffective, Gunnery

Sergeant.”

“Youmissedaword.”
“Fuckingineffective,GunnerySergeant.”
Kevin nodded and lightly pushed Hastings towards his two embarrassed companions.

“Fucking ineffective,” he repeated. “I see three completely ineffective assholes standing in
front of me and that pisses me off because I don’t want to work with ineffective assholes.
This is Training 101. I thought you three left boot camp awhile ago! You do what you gotta
dotokeepthoseweaponsonyoueverysecond—whenyoutakeapissyoukeeponehandon
your dick and the other on your weapon. Duct tape the mother fucking lifesavers to your

hands if you’ve got to, but don’t you ever let me catch you thinking it’s safe to walk away
fromadangerousweaponsoyoucanswapMREswithyourbuddies!Gotit?”

“Yes,GunnerySergeant!”theyrepliedinstantly,eachacomplimentaryshadeofgreen.
“Youcanseeyoursquadleadersaboutyourweapons,”Kevingrowled.“Go…away.”
Perhapsthistimearoundeveryonewouldrememberaccountabilityanditwouldbeone

lesstasktoreview,Kevinsmirked.Therewasalwayshope.

Hewashalfwaythroughreadingaboutmissionexecutionwhenhisphonelitup.Inhis

haste to snatch it, his ingers sent it skittering across his desk and to the loor beneath the
only other chair in his of ice. Kevin shot around his desk and crouched to his hands and
kneestoretrieveit.Hedidn’tevenwastetimestandingupashereadthemessage.

It’sme,Christian.Tonightstillok?Six?
Kevin glanced at his watch. It was four thirty and he usually worked until six. The XO

wouldn’thaveaproblemwithhimleavingalittleearly,buthedidn’twantChristianthinking
hewaseagerbecausehewasn’t.Thiswasn’thisidea.

Hetextedback.Sixthirtyisbetter.I’vestillgotsomethingstofinish.
There.Thatstruckadisinterestedtone.
Ok.I’mmakingdinner.2901WilderRd.Gatedcommunity,yournameiswithsecurity.
Great.Justwhathewashopingfor.Anofficialrecordofhisvisit.Kevinfoughttheurgeto

writeandsayhewasallergictoeverythingandwouldn’tstaylongenoughtoeat.Whoknew
whatkindofshitChristianwouldpullgettinghimtocomeoveragain,though.No,itwasbest
to get this out of the way. They could blab for an hour—or rather, Christian could blab—
they’d shake hands, and Kevin would leave. Then they’d never have to see one another
again.

And Money, Este, Risa, and Jack would never have to stare at him with progressively

skeptical expressions as he made up a tale of woe about Christian borrowing money and
nevermakinggoodonit.KevinmighthaveevenmanufacturedananecdoteaboutChristian
nearly wrecking his car years ago as well. What was he supposed to say? Crap was just
pouringoutofhismouth,completelyunstoppableinthefaceoftheirdisbelief.

The guilt for lying was smallish. Nobody needed to know anything else about this

problembecausetherewasn’tgoingtobeanythingelsetoknow.

Kevin’sphonebuzzedinhishandandthescreenbrightenedwithacutepictureofRisa

makingaface.Heansweredbeforethefirstbuzzended.

“Hey,Ris.Everythingalright?”
“Hi,yeah.Ofcourse.Iwon’tbehomewhenyougetheretonightandIwantedtoletyou

know.”

Kevinshuthiseyesinreliefathavingavoidedanotherexplanationaboutwherehewas

goingtobe.“Whereareyouheaded?”

“I’mtakingJacktotheairportandthenSelenaheardaboutasortofget-togetherthata

friend is having.Don’t worry,” she emphasized, knowing he was about to turn big brother.
“It’salaidbackthing,notaparty.Theguyshelikesissupposedtobethere,so…”

“IthoughtJack’sflightleftatnoon!”
There was a pause and Kevin realized his words came out as a frustrated bark rather

than concerned. “He changed his light and took me to lunch. Why are you acting so weird?
He’syourbestfriend.Youtrusthim.”

Not anymore, I don’t!“Well, he didn’t mention his plans to me,” he grumbled. “Is there

somethinggoingonthatyou’renottellingme?”

Risa huffed impatiently. “Kevin, now is not the time. If we don’t leave in the next ive

minutes,we’llgetstuckintraffic.”

Henoticedhowshedidn’tanswerhisquestion.Kevinstaredpleadinglyattheceilingof

hisofficeandtriedtocooldown.

“Whatwasthisaboutaparty?”heasked.
“It’snotreallyaparty.I’mgoingasemotionalsupportforSelena.”
“God.Pleasetellmeyou’renotborrowingclothesfromher.”
“I’mnot,butwhatdoesthathavetodowithanything?”sheasked,confused.
“I just don’t think it’s smart to go to a party with a bunch of people you don’t know,

wearingonlyahandkerchiefandabelt,isall.”

Risamadeanoddnoiseandthenallheheardwaslaughter.“I’mserious,”hesaid.“Take

yourpepperspray.RememberthebloodchokemovesItaughtyou.PracticethemonJack.”

“Goodgrief,Kevin!Whatkindofpartieshaveyoubeento?”
“Thekindwhereabloodchokeisagiftforthehost.”
Risa’s carefree chuckle brought a grudging smile to his face and again he thought of

theirmom.Itwaslikelatelyhecouldn’tescapethepastatall.

Theyspokeforafewmoreminutes,thenKevinwentbacktoworkonhisplansforthe

ieldexerciseafterhesent anI will murder you!text to Jack. Anxiety and the questioning of

his own judgment eventually fell by the wayside in the face of work and by the time he
checkedhiswatchagainitwasalmostsix.Kevinpurposelylefthimselfnotimetocleanupor
changebeforeleaving.Thiswasn’tadate.Christianwasgoingtogetahealthydoseofwhat-
you-see-is-what-you-get.

OnthewaydowntohisJeepheranintotheXOandtheCOontheirwaytotheirof ices.

TheyspokelongenoughthatKevinwouldbecuttingitcloseifhedidn’thurry.Hepurposely
slowedhispace,wavedatsomepeopleintheparkinglot,andcleanedouthiscupholders.

Christiandidn’tliveclosetothebaseandtraf icsuckedasusual,sowhenKevin inally

pulled up beside the guard shack it was closer to six forty- ive than six thirty. The security
guy, complete with radio and oversized lashlight, eyeballed Kevin’s ID and waved him
through.

“You’relookingforthethirdstreetonyourrightandthecondowillbeonyourleft.”
Kevinthankedhimandpulledpastthegate,whichshutslowlybehindhim.Thehousing

development was surprisingly nice. He igured Christian for a beach-side apartment that
smelledlikeacombinationofsmokeandstalebooze,sportingahangingbikerackastheonly
furniture.Thisplacewasalittletooposhforthatlifestyle.

Thelawnswereallidenticalandperfectlymanicuredwith lowersintinybucketslining

the walkways. When he turned onto the third street like the guard directed, Kevin was
greeted by the view of a large fountain sitting in the center of the road. The street curved
arounditinadeadend.

Kevin followed the loop and pulled to a stop in front of the condo with a silver 2901

over the garage door. His palms were suddenly sweaty and uneasiness was sweeping over
him. He grabbed his cover and slipped it on, then forced himself out of the car. Time to get
thisoveranddonewith.

A woman was leaving the unit next door and she smiled kindly as he climbed the few

stairsupthewalktoChristian’s.

“Thanksforyourservice!”Shewavedanencouragingfistintheairandhesmiledback.
Kevinignoredthebuzzerandknockedinstead.Therewasn’tanysoftmusicplayingthat

hecouldhearthroughthedooranditmadehimthinkChristianmightactuallybetellingthe
truthaboutnoromantictricks.Hewaitedwithanevenstance,hishandsathissides,glancing

curiouslyaroundtheneighborhood.

When the door opened he turned and came face to face with trouble. A tall, lean,

tattooedburdenoftrouble.Themanwaswearingabutton-downshirtthatwasrolledatthe
sleeves and jeans. His feet were bare and Kevin discovered more tattoos across the insteps.
Howfardidthesetattoosgo?

Christian wasn’t saying anything; he continued to stare openly and Kevin couldn’t tell

whathewasthinking.

Afterafewmoremomentsoftensesilence,Kevincrossedhisarmsand gave a pointed

look.“Arewegoingtodothisouthere?DoyoubringmeaplateandIpassitbackwhenI’m
finished?”

Christian stepped back and opened the door wide, rolling his eyes. “How lucky that

you’reinsuchagoodmood.”

Kevin wiped his feet—his mother raised him right—and stepped inside, removing his

cover and running a quick hand over his hair. Christian’s eyes followed the movement and
he pointed to an old trunk that sat near the door. “You can throw your hat there if you
want.”

Kevin looked around and discovered that the only thing he got right in his thinking

about Christian’s décor was that it was sparse. There was a small entryway that led
immediatelytoasetofstairsandtotherighttheroomopenedupintoalargeden,whichin
turnopenedintowhatwasprobablythekitchen.Ashorthallwayledbacktothefrontdoor,
completingthecircle.The loorswerehardwood,paintedwithawarmstainthatbroughtto
mindskilodges,buttherewasonlyanentertainmentcenter,coffeetable,andacouchleftto
fillthespace.

Christian moved toward the kitchen and glanced over his shoulder at Kevin. “Are you

going to stand there all night? Do I bring you a plate that you pass back when you’re
finished?”hemocked.

Kevin glared but followed, watching as Christian put on two giant oven mitts and

openedtheovendoor.Hepulledoutapanofwhatlookedliketwice-bakedpotatoescooked
toagoldenglowwithbaconsprinkledoverthetop.Kevingaped.

“Becausethesearesorich,Iusuallyonlyeatasaladwiththem,”Christianhalf-grunted,

quickly shucking the pan onto the cooling rack and tugging off the mitts with a look of
disgust.“Thesemittssuck.”

Kevin sniffed the air and tried to keep the wonder from his face. Risa only made

potatoesforhimonspecialrequestbecauseofalove-hatethingshehadgoingonwithcarbs.
“So…youcook,”heeventuallymuttered.

Christianshruggednoncommittally.“MyfamilyisoneoftheworstgroupsofpeopleI’ve

everspenttimewith—they’relikeamurderousmotorcyclegangthatsharealastname—but
momtaughtallofustocookthesamethreethings.”

“Twice-bakedpotatoes…and?”
“ChickenParm.”
“And?”
Christianshookhishead,refusingtosay.“Areyouhungry?”
“Yes.”
“Grabaplate,”Christianpointedtoacabinet.“Wecaneatonthebackporch.”
Feeling conspicuous in his uniform and boots, opening cabinets in Christian’s home, he

grabbedtheplatesquicklyandafteralookaroundnoticedtheopenedslidingdoorthatled
toanelevatedpatio.Stairsfolloweddownintoanopenyard.Kevinsteppedoutsideandleft

theplatesonthetable,thinkingtheywouldn’tbeaffordedanyprivacy,buthefoundthata
copseoftreeslaybetweenChristian’sunitandtheotherunitsbuiltnearby.Noonewasout
onthepationextdoor,either.Itwasoddlycozy.

Christian stepped onto the patio with a bowl of salad and a plate loaded with potatoes

and set everything on the table top. He still didn’t speak as he went back inside for a
moment,returningwithsilverwareandnapkins.

“Whatwouldyouliketodrink?”
“Water?”Kevinsaidhoarsely.Hewasveryoffbalance,likehisemotionscouldn’tdecide

wheretosettle.Shouldhestillbepissed?Shouldhebewary?Suspicious?Friendly?Hedidn’t
knowhowtoproceed.

Christianreturnedagainandpulledthedoorshutbehindhim.Hesettwowatersbeside

the plates and pulled out a chair. Kevin settled into his own seat with a numbness rising
from his toes. The kind of tension in the air between them was a special variety that said
they’dsleptwithoneanotheryearsagoandwerepretendingtheyhadn’t.

KevinacceptedthefoodChristianpassedtohimandloadedhisplateastheotherman

watched,makingsurehedidn’tgivehisnervesaway.AsChristianwasraisinghis irstbiteto
hismouth,Kevindecidedhecouldn’ttakeanotherminuteoftheexpectantsilence.

“Youwantedtotalktome.Whatdidyouwanttotellme?”
ChristianstilledandmetKevin’sgaze,thejaunty,almostamusedlightleechingoutofhis

eyesatthequestion.“Whydon’tyoutellmewhichanswersyouwantthemostandI’llstart
there.”Hishandshookasheloweredhisforkandtherewasashortthrillofpowerthatran
throughKevinatthesight,likehewasn’ttheonetobreakfirst.

“Ohno,”heblurted.“I’mnotdoingthedirtyworkforyou.Yougotmehere,so…”
Christian sat back in his chair and lifted a hand to his mouth. Kevin suddenly

rememberedwhythequirkwassofamiliar.The irstnightthey’dmet,whenhe’dseenhim
atthebar,Christiandidthesamething.Thenagainwhentheyweretalkingattherace.His
gutchurneduneasily.

“Wellthen,howaboutIanswerthemostobviousquestionfirst?”
Kevinwaitedabeatandnodded,expectingtohearanexplanationaboutwhyhenever

received a phone call. At leasthethought it was the most obvious question. That or maybe,
Whydidyouleavelikethat?

“You’re probably wondering how all this time has passed and I’m still so attractive.”

Christian grinned as Kevin’s eyes lit with irritation. “I’m kidding,” Christian rushed to say
withanervouschuckle.“Ithinkwhatyouwanttoknowiswhy.WhydidIleavethatbarwith
youinthe irstplace?WhydidImakeitsuchabigordealtogetwithmethatnightwhenI
wasjustgoingtobailoutinthemorning?Whydidn’tIcallyou?”

Kevin’sthroatclosedandhetriedtoclearawaytheobstructionsohecouldspeak,butit

wasn’tworkingnomatterhowmanytimesheswallowed.

“HowboutIanswerthelastonefirst?”
Kevinheldhisbreath,waiting.Wonderingagainsthiswill.Whywasn’thepastthisshit

yet?Whydidthecominganswermattersomuchtohim?

“Why didn’t you call me?” asked Kevin, his voice a low murmur in the quiet of their

surroundings.

Christiangaveahumorlesslaugh.“Icalledyou,Kevin.Icalledyouhundredsoftimes.I

justwaitedtodoituntilitwaswaytoolate.”

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERSEVEN

Being attracted to a Marine was a thing easily done; they didn’t make it tough in

Christian’s opinion. The hair just so. The way they carried themselves. The intensity that
averageguyslacked.Hewasoutintheworldofaveragemenonadailybasis,workingwith
them, striking up deals, and there was no questioning the difference. But having one of the
bestlookingrepresentativesoftheCorpsshowuponhisdoorstepincammiesandboots,hat
pulledlow,struckChristianintoblank-mindedsilence.

Kevin was a big guy no matter what he was wearing. He was the same height as

Christian,butthethicknesscreatedasharpcontrastastheystoodacrossfromoneanother.
Christian wasn’t a small pint, yet with the uniform on, Kevin was forbidding in a way that
actuallymadeChristianfeelsmallforonce.

Now, sitting at the table with him after revealing the truth, he wondered if he was

physicallyshrinkingunderKevin’sdarkeningstare.

“Younevercalledme,”hegroundoutthewords,browslowoverhisgreeneyes.
Christian’s lips lifted sadly and he took a deep breath. “‘Hey, this is Kevin McGuire,’ ” he

quoted.“‘If you’re calling me, you probably don’t know I’m out of the country… Don’t count on
megettingbacktoyourightaway…’Icanquoteitwordforwordifyouwant,”hefinished.

Kevinwasfrozenacrossfromhim,hisdisbeliefobvious.
“I told you. I called you hundreds of times. Had to force myself to stop a while back

because I was driving myself crazy. Plus, I didn’t know when you’d be getting home from
overseas and I was… Well, I was afraid to hear you actually answer. Big surprise, I took the
easywayout;Icouldn’tbringmyselftoleaveamessage,thoughIcamecloseacoupletimes.I
never had the right words. Besides, I’m not sure there are words to say you’re sorry you
never called someone and when you inally do, it’s six years later. I didn’t think you’d
rememberme.”

“What made you inally call? I didn’t set that as my voice message until last year. How

didyougetmynumber?”

Christian took a long drink from his glass and nodded. “I igured that would open the

loodgate.” Kevin arched a brow in response and Christian stood, pushing his chair back.

“Givemeaminute.”

Inside, he took the stairs to his bedroom and snatched his wallet off the dresser. Very

carefully,sothefragilepaperwouldn’ttear,Christianremovedthebitofnapkinfrominside
and pressed it between his palms. It was so odd, but even now, with Kevin downstairs
waitingforhim,thepaperwaslikeamemorytakingsolidform—atalismanthatwastwiceas
sacredtohim.

Kevinwaitedatthetable,hischinrestingonballedup ists.Heturnedatthesoundof

theslidingdoor,noticingthewayChristianheldhishandsclosetohisbody.

“Whatisit?”Kevinasked.
“HowIknewyournumber.”Gently,almostafraidthatKevinwouldsnatchthepaperup

and tear it to shreds, he let the napkin slide to the table top. Christian took his seat and
waited.

Kevineyeballedthethinnedpaperlikeitwasdangerous,but inallytookitinhishands

toopenitatthecrease.Christianknewwhathewasseeing:thetinyprintofKevin’snamein

allcapsandbeneathitthenumber.Hisfingersitchedtotakeitback.

“You never changed the number,” he said quietly. “I thought it was a long shot, but I

calleditonenightwhenI—”Christiancuthimselfoff.

Kevin cleared his throat and laid the napkin back on the table. “When you what?” At

Christian’shesitationheshookhisheadimpatiently.“Listen.Youeithertellmeeverything,or
nothingatall.Iagreedtohearyouout,sotellthefullstoryorIwillgohome.”

Anxiety hit Christian hard. He knew Kevin meant it. This was his opportunity to save

himself,nomatterhowhiswordswerereceived.Hewaswellawarethatoverthepastyear
he’d been ighting some kind of emotional turf war, which left him exhausted. He craved
peace.Redemption.Hetoldhimselfthathonestywastheonlywayhe’devergetthem,which
wasaterrifyingprospectbecausehedidn’tknowhowtodothis.Hislifehadbeensoshallow
uptothispoint.

“I called when my walls started caving in,” he answered. “It was like years of pressure

built up until all the excuses I made couldn’t hold out reality any more.” Christian’s mind
driftedbacktothatnighthedialedthenumber.Thememoriesweresurprisinglypainfuland
hisvoicedroppedtoanearwhisper.“Ikeptthinkingofyou.Imean,youwereneverfarfrom
my thoughts, but you were a secret. You were a…private part of me. I found myself
wondering ify o uever thought of me—not that I deserved to be in your thoughts. I
wondered if you were disappointed I never called. If you had someone in your life. I was
afraidyou’dgethurtafterIheardyouwereoverseas.

“I know what I have to say will probably only make you angrier because I had this

opportunitywithyouafterthatnightinCaboandIfucking…”Christian’sbreathcaughtand
heshookhimself.“Ifuckingsquanderedit.BeforeIevermetyouIwasasel ishbastard.After
Ileftthathotelroom,IwasthemostawfulversionofmyselfIcouldbe.EverythingIdid,Idid
for the wrong reasons. Women, relationships, friends. I didn’t really spend any time
re lecting on that until someone pointed it out to me. But once I started running in Cabo, I
couldn’tstop.IfIdid,thenalltheshitI’dthrowninthepathbehindmewouldcatchupand
rollrightoverme.”

Thefoodsatonthetablebeforethem,untouchedandgrowingcold.Kevinwaswatching

himcloselyandChristianwishedhewerebetteratthis.Openconversationandvulnerability
didn’t come naturally to him and being truthful when he was certain it wasn’t going to pay
offwentagainsthisinstincts.

“DidIscareyou?ThatnightinCabo?”Kevinaskedhoarsely.“Thenextmorning?”
Christiansmiled,surprisedbythequestion.“Kevin.Youwere…petrifying.”
Kevinfrownedandlookedaway,andChristianhurriedtoexplain.
“Not the way you’re thinking. In my twenty-three-year-old life, you were thisforce I

couldn’t control. In one night, you practically nuked my brain and the fallout was…” he
trailedoffandtookthemomenttogatherhimselfbecausetherestofwhathewasgoingto
say was just as bad. “That morning I was furious that I gave in to you—that I gave in to a
desirethathadnopartinmyplan.Itwasn’tsomuchthefactthatIhadtoacceptthewhole
gaything,itwasthatyouwereanunknown.Youwere—youare—powerfulandIknewIhad
tostuffyoubackintoafantasyandonlybringyououtwhenIthoughtthetimewasright.

“Whenyousatandtalkedtomeforsolonganddrewmeout,youmademeforgetabout

the next day. I got caught up. That next morning, I convinced myself in only a few seconds
thatI’ddonesomethingsostupidandtheonlywaytofixitwastoleaveandpretenditnever
happened.”

Kevingrabbedthenapkinagainandrana ingeroverthewritingashespoke.“WhenI

sawyouintheclub,Ithoughtyouwereanightoffunwaitingtohappen.Ididn’twanttobe
yourboyfriend,Christian.Ididn’twanttochatwithyou.Iwantedtoscrewaroundandyou
turned out to be anything but easy. I still don’t even know what made me stick with you
whenIrealizedyouweren’treadyforwhatwasonmymind.

“I wasn’t looking to talk, but it’s what I got. Then later…” Kevin rolled his eyes and

Christian found himself the recipient of a cold stare. “It was a phone number, Christian. It
was an invitation that Inevergive out, do you get that? I was asking you to call me so we
could actually talkmore. It was stupid because for once I was thinking beyond the moment
andintothedayafterandIlikedwhatIsaw.Whenyouwokeup,youdidthesamethingand
Iguessyoudidn’tliketheview.Noneofthisshouldbeasurprise.Wewerefuckedtobegin
with.”

Christian cringed and leaned forward, his forearms resting on his knees. “Kevin. I was

justakid.IgraduatedcollegetheweekbeforeIwenttoCabowithmyidiotfratbrothersthat
Idon’tevenspeaktoanymore.AfterImadethechoicetogooffwithyou,Itriednottothink
aboutanythingelse.IwasalreadymessedupbeforewemetandevenifIhadcalledandwe

igured out some way to meet up again, I’m pretty sure I would’ve done something dumb

andruinedeverything.”Christianranhishandsoverhishair.“Iwasastupidkid!”

Kevinwasquietforalongtimebeforehe inallyanswered.“LikeIsaid,itwasfuckedto

begin with.” When Christian exhaled loudly, Kevin stretched out a leg and nudged his bare
footwiththetoeofhisboot.“But…forastupidkid,youweren’ttoobad…”

ThemomentcameandwentsoquicklythatChristianwasn’tabletoenjoyit.Kevinhad

actually teased him, his face softening, but too soon he pulled back into himself and the
shuttersclosed.Inunspokenagreementtheyslowlyreturnedtoeatingandeventhoughthe
foodwascold,itstilltastedgood.

Kevin inished irstand lickedhiseyesoverChristianfromheadtotoe.Henoddedhis

chinsubtly.“Whendidyougetalltheink?Youdidn’thaveanythingbackthen,nowyoulook
likeyoutookajobasanotepad.”

Christianliftedhisarmsandperusedhistattooswithafresheye.Everysingleonewas

original,drawnbyhim.Theymarkedmemoriesandemotionsandhadservedforyearsasa
waytoescape—likeifhehadartdrawnon,thethoughtswouldquitharassinghim.

“Igotthe irstoneaweekafterImetyou.IkeptdrawingwhatIwasthinkingandItried

todoitsothey’dallhaveaconnection,onewayoranother.Timepassed...Alotofmyspare
timeandmoneywasspentinthetattooparlor.Sixyearslater,hereIam.There’snotmuch
skinlefttoworkwith.”

Kevin’sbrowsliftedandhemovedclosertogetabetterview.Christianheldhisleftarm

out so he could see. Showing the art was almost worse than spilling his guts because every
singleonecamebacktohowhislifechangedthatnightinCabo.Ofcourse,Kevindidn’tknow
that,butallthesame,itputChristianonedge.

“Didyoualwayswanttogetthem?”Kevinasked,motioningwithhishandtosignalthat

Christianshouldmovehisarmsohecouldseemore.

“No. Once I started, I thought of other art I wanted to add. Getting the ink felt like the

rightthingtodo—itmadesenseforme.IgotmylatesttattooaweekbeforeImovedhere.”

Kevincockedhisheadandsilentlytookitallin.Hewasn’tevenseeingaquarterofthe

work Christian had on his body, but he was still looking him over like he was a complicated
puzzle.

“Where’sthefirstoneyouhaddone?”
Christianbitdownonhistonguetostopthemoanofdiscomfort.Heturnedhisleftarm

andtuggedonthesleeveofhisshirtuntilhecouldjustseethetattoo.Hissleeveswouldn’tgo
upanyfarther.Onthetopofhisbicep,centeredoverthepadofmusclewasalargecompass
rosewiththefourdominantpointsofnorth,south,eastandwestshootingoutwardinheavy
lines from the center. Smaller points sat between these, done in brilliant orange, red, and
yellow. A string of words curved around it. Kevin leaned in close enough that Christian felt
hisbreathontheskinofhisarm.

“What’sitsay?”
Christian hesitated half a second, then decided to let go and tell him. “It says,‘Then

Sought.ThenFound.NowLone.NowLost.’”God,hehopedKevindidn’taskthemeaning.

At irst his only response was a furrowing of his brow, then his eyes traced the words

anddroppedtoanothertattooonChristian’sforearm.Itdepictedamanplummetingtoward
the earth as seen from above. His arms were outstretched and lailing and his face was a
mask of fear. Christian chose only black and blue for the piece and it was some of his best
work,besidestheonehe’ddrawnforhisback.

“They’reallreally…”
“Awful?”
“Sad.Sadandbeautiful,”Kevinwhispered,stillstaringattheartwork.“Atleasttheones

Icansee.”

Christian pulled his sleeve back down until most of the art on his arm was covered. He

didn’tknowwhy,butheneededaminutetohimself,roomtobreath,ormaybelightningto
strike him dead. This night was like a fucking marathon therapy session and he was in the
hotseat.

“I’m going to take this stuff in the house.” He pushed his chair back and grabbed at

plates.Kevinhelpedhim,pickingupwhateverChristiancouldn’thold.

At the sink, he haphazardly tossed in the plates and silverware, his movements clumsy

as he tried to pretend he wasn’t morti ied. They’d have to save his parental issues for
anothersession—iftherewastobeasecond.WhenKevinsteppedupbesidehim,hiswarm
bodycloseenoughthattheirarmsbrushed,Christianwentrigid.

“She’snotmygirlfriend,”Kevinannounced.
“What?” Christian turned, leaning his hip against the counter. They were too close to

each other, so he stepped back. He didn’t want to risk any of his actions being seen as a
come-on.IfonlyMarkweretheretowitnessit;he’dapplaud.

“Thegirlattheraceandatthehouselastnight.She’smysister.”
Light dawned and Christian wondered how he hadn’t igured that out. Thinking back,

they sort of did look alike, what with the black hair and green eyes, and Kevin’s outgoing
voicemail message had mentioned a sister. Yet another stupid assumption on Christian’s
part.

“She seemed young to me,” he said, soaking up the view of Kevin’s pro ile. The other

man had turned so he was looking back out the sliding glass doors and his arms were
crossed over his chest. His forearms were criminal, with lean muscle and baf ling striation.
SmallscarsdottedhisskinhereandthereandhewasasgoldentanasthatnightinCabo.

Inotherwords,hewasChristian’sundoing.
“She’salmosthalfmyage,that’swhysheseemsyoung.”
Christiandidn’tknowforsure,buthethoughtKevinwasinhismid-thirties,sohissister

mustbetwenty-ish.“Doessheliveoutherewithyou?Gotoschool?”

Kevinnodded,hisjawflexing.
“Yourparentsprobablylovethatshe’sgotyoulookingafterher.”

“Yeah…”
It was impossible to miss the pain knotting up beneath Kevin’s skin and Christian

cringed.“I’vesaidsomethingwrongagain,haven’tI?”

“No...”hecoughed.“No.RisaandIhavebeenonourownforawhilenow.That’sall.”
Oh.Ohno.
“I-I’msorry,Kev.Ididn’tknow.”
Kevinbrushedofftheapologywithasmallwave.“It’snotyourfault.Itiswhatitis.”
“You were close to them—I mean, with what little you said about them that night we

met.Youseemedclose.”

Kevin nodded in reply, his body still tightly wound. “I became Risa’s guardian when

they…whentheypassed.She’sbeenwithmeeversince.Itchangedmypriorities.”

Christianwasdrawingablankonwhattosay.Hewishedagainforeloquence,knowingit

wasn’tabouttobemagicallygiftedtohim.Hishistorywasn’tdappledwithshiningmoments
wherehesaidtheperfectthing.Quitetheopposite,infact.

“She smiles,” he blurted and Kevin gave him a confused look. “I bet she didn’t want to

smileforalongtimeafteryoulostthem,butshesmiledalotwhenIsawher.I’dputmoney
onyoubeingbehindthat.”

KevinseemedtothinkaboutitandafteraninterminablemomentforChristian,hislips

turned up. “Thanks,” he breathed, blinking like he was realizing where he was for the irst
time.“Ithinkthatweshouldcallitanight.”

He turned those green eyes on Christian and the fear that had dulled to a small roar

rosebackupagain.Unabletospeak,henoddedonceandledthewaytothedoor.Hehadno
idea where this left them. Would they see each other again? Would he be able to contact
Kevin,maybegogrababitetoeatsometime?

“Thank you for coming over and…listening,” Christian’s voice cracked with anxiety and

heflushed.“Itmeantalottome.”

Kevingrabbedthehathe’dleftonthetrunkbythedoorand stepped outside, playing

withthebillandnotreallylookingatChristian.

“So,isthisgoodbyeforever?Becauseifitis,weshouldgetafogmachineandacoupleof

fanstomakeitcount,”Christianoffered.

Kevin met his eyes then and one side of his mouth lifted in a reluctant smile. “You’ve

changed,butyou’restillthesame.”

“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“So…?”
“I’lltalktoyoulater,Christian.How‘boutthat?”
AsmalllaughescapedandChristiangrinned.“I’lltakewhatIcanget.”

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTEREIGHT

DidWebsterhaveade initionformindfuck?Kevinwondered.Probablynot,buthewas

certainhe’djustbeenthroughone.Hishandsshooktheentiredrivehomeandhealternated
betweensatisfactionandgravitysoquicklythathecouldn’tsaywhichwaswinningout.

Christianhadcalled.Sureitwasaboutsixyearslaterthanhewanted,butforGod’ssake,

he still carried around the number on that little napkin. Kevin never would’ve believed it.
Therewassomethinginthatgesturethatmadehimstupidlyweak-kneed.Sixyears!

Theangerthatwassostrongyesterdayhadfadeddrasticallyuntilitwasalowbuzzof

irritationbythetimeheleftChristian’s.Thatnervous,lostkidoutsidetheclubwaslonggone
andinhisplacewasamanlayinghimselfonthelinesoKevinwouldforgivehim.Hisknee-
jerk reaction was to try to push Christian back into the mold of an immature guy who ran
whenhewasscared.

Christianstillhadsomegrowinguptodo,Kevinwassure,butthestrongestimpression

hetookawayfromtheeveningwasthattheyoungermanwasunhappy.Lonely.Hetriedto
tease,butthelevitydidn’treachhiseyesandifthatdidn’tconvinceKevin,allhehadtodo
wastakeaganderatthosetattoos.Theywerelikeafull-bodymarkerofregret,asthoughhe
wereusinghisskininpenitence.Kevin’sthroathadtighteneduplookingthemover.

He’dhopedforclaritybynight’send,buthedidn’thaveany.Instead he was confused

about what to do next and too raw to decide anyway. He wanted to see his sister and be
homewherehecouldsoakupthefamiliarsurroundings,blockingouttherest.

Christian said that he wondered if Kevin ever thought about him. What a joke. He’d

thought of Christian way too often to justify his supposed indifference. For a while he’d
forcedawaythememoriesoftheotherman’sunpracticed,innocenttouch.Hedidn’twantto
remember how much he’d desired him or how electrifying being so close to him was. He
focusedonthenegativetomakeiteasiertoletthingsgo.Rejectionwasamanhoodkillerand
Christian’s silence had served its purpose. It sucked that the irst time Kevin was ready to
seewherethingswentwithaguy,itwasalsothefirsttimehewassolidlycastoff.

Tonight,watchingChristiantalk,seeingthewayhispainfusedwithhiswordsandhow

passionseemedtowarmhisskin,Kevinallowedhimselftorememberthewholestory.

TheirfirstkisswasonthebeachandChristianwastheonetomakethemove.Kevinwas

talking, aboutwhathedidn’tremember,butmid-sentence,Christianleanedin and silenced
him.ItwassoftandslowandChristiantrembled.Hetastedlikethedrinkshehadatthebar.
Hesmelledlikeregularoldsoap,nothingfancy.HishairwassomuchlongerthenandKevin
couldn’tbelievehowthickandsmoothitfeltbeneathhishands.WhenChristiantentatively
lickedathisbottomlip,Kevinhadgroanedandpushedhimbackintothesandwithhisbody.
Theykissedforalongtime,longerthanKevinhadeverkissedanothermanwithouttakingit
further. It created a carefree feeling between them because it was like a stolen moment
turnedmakeoutsession.Thesimplicitymadeitso…nice.Warm.

Kevin took several deep breaths to slow his heart as he remembered the way it was.

Whathappenedthefollowingmorningwasmorethanhecouldbeartothinkaboutjustthen.

He pulled into the short stretch of driveway at home and parked his Jeep in its usual

spot behind the house near the separate garage. The guy they rented from had converted
thetinyoutbuildingtoagymandKevincontinuedthetradition,soheandRisawereleftto

parkinthedrive.Hewasdisappointedwhenhercarwasn’tthere.

Kevinthoughtofhowhislittlesisterwassomewherewithherfriend,blissfullyunaware

ofthetruthaboutherbrother.Hewasherprotector;sheknewthat.Whatwouldshesayif
hejustupandtoldherwhohereallywas?Deepdownheknewthatthegaypartwouldn’t
betheissue.Therealproblemwouldbethelengthofhissilence.Onedayofkeepingitfrom
herhadrolledintothenextuntilyearspassedandhestillhadn’tsaidaword.

Whenhebecameherguardianshecouldn’thavehandledit.Shewasjugglingaweight

ofemotionsandhedidn’twanttoaddtotheloadbyconfessingthattherewasmoreforher
totrytounderstand.Perhaps,ifhedwelledonit,hecouldadmitthathedidn’twanttosee
disappointment in her eyes, if she did indeed feel disappointment. Kevin knew he was the
same man he’d always been—still her big brother who loved her more than his own life—
butwouldsheseehimthatway?

While he stared blankly at the television screen waiting for Risa to come home, his

phoneblinkedwiththearrivalofatextmessageandhesawthathe’dmissedacouplesent
earlierintheevening.

The latest arrival was from Risa saying that she and Selena had abandoned the party

anddecidedonanimpromptusleepoveratSelena’sapartment.She’dgostraightfromthere
toherclassestomorrow.

Jack had replied to Kevin’s earlier text threat with the following:Need to talk. Call me

tomorrow.

Thatsoundedless-thanpromising.
The third was from Christian. It said simply, Thanks for coming over and for hearing me

out.Hopeyoumeantwhatyousaid.

***

Around lunchtime the next day, Kevin wheeled away from his desk and grabbed the

proteinshakeheleftinthetinyrefrigeratorhekeptinhisof ice.Hehadyettoencountera
protein shake that didn’t make him gag. There was just something about them that made
everyswallowabattle.

HetuggedhisphonefromhispocketanddialedJack,waitingthroughfourringsbefore

hisfriend inallyanswered.Thattextlastnighttoldhimthatthisconversation was going to
coversomeunsteadyground.

“What’sup?”Jacksaidbywayofhello.
“I’monmylunchandcallingasordered.Canyoutalk?”
“Yeah.”TherewasapauseandKevinheardadoorsnappingshutinthebackground.“I

wanttoaskyousomething.”

“Ihopeitdoesn’thaveanythingtodowithmarryingmysister,”Kevinintoned.
“Kevin,”Jacksaidcoolly,“you’lllistentowhatIhavetosayforacoupleofreasons—”
“Thatso?”
“Yes,” he answered calmly. “The irst reason is because we’ve been friends a long time

andweknowalotofheavyshitabouteachother.ThesecondreasonisbecauseIthinkyou
havesomeexplainingofyourowntodo.”

Kevin paled but didn’t make a move to speak because he didn’t want to come across

defensive,eventhoughhefelteverydefensivewallinsidehimclickingintoplace.Jackcould
be wondering about any number of things, he tried to assure himself—it didn’t have to be

aboutscrewing.

“So,”JacksquashedKevin’sinternalmulling.“Whatdoyouwanttocoverfirst?”
Kevingrimaced.“Mylittlesister.”
“Okay.Risa irst—andbytheway,thisisnotthepartwhereIaskyourpermissionand

yousayyesorno.ThisiswhereIletyouknowoutofcourtesyandrespectforourfriendship
thatIamgoingtocallyoursisterandseeifshe’dbeinterestedingettingtoknowmebetter.”

Kevin took another gulp of his shake and stomped a foot as he barely succeeded in

keepingitdown.“Gettingtoknowyoubetter…Like,Biblically?”

Jackmadeanoisethatwasclearlynotalaugh.“I’mserious.We’vetalkedonthephone

and I even managed to talk to her face-to-face this weekend while you hovered over my
shouldercrackingyourknuckles.”

“Whendidyoutalkonthephone?WherewasI?”
“You’dbeeninAfghanistanacouplemonthsandIcalledhertoseeifshe’dheardfrom

youandifIcouldgetamailingaddress.YouneversentittomeandIwantedtomailoutthat
carepackagemymomputtogetherforyou,remember?”

Hedid.
“Well,”Jackcontinued,“thatconversationkeptgoingandshetoldmeaboutschooland

what she was working on. It ended up being a good phone call. She wanted to know about
physical therapy and what I was doing. She asked about my work and she wanted me to
keepherupdated.”

Sounded like Risa, Kevin thought. She was proud of Jack’s decision to inish his

certificationasacounselorforveterans.Itwasabigstepforhim.

“Sothecallscamemoreoftenbetweenyouguysandbeforeyouknewit…?”
“Pretty much.” Jack sounded like he was smiling. “We’ve been talking a couple times a

week and I want to talk more often. I want to get to know her better. I want to see if she
could…Idon’tknow…bewithaguylikeme.”

Kevin swallowed a lump in his throat at the sudden vulnerability he heard in his

friend’svoice.“Whywouldyouthinkshe’dhaveaproblemwithyou?”

“Kevin,” Jack almost snapped. “Let’s be realistic here. Just a little less than half of my

body is covered in burn scars. You’ve seen the damage. Women don’t exactly reach for me
thewaytheyoncedid.AndI’mnotsayingthatbecauseIfeelsorryformyself.I’vewondered
if I’d meet someone who could see past it. Your sister wasn’t afraid to ask me about what
happened…Shedidn’tpretendIhadn’tbeenhurt…Hereyesdon’tsearchforaplacetolook
whenI’minfrontofher.It’slikeshejustseesme.”

AnoverwhelmingsenseofprideroseinKevinattheamazingpersonhissisterwas.He

counted on Jack being a part of his life and Risa understood. It was surprisingly dif icult to
keepanevenkeelemotionallyashesawonceagainhowunconditionallyhislittlesistercared
forothers:him,Selena,Jack…Shewaskindandpatientliketheirmomandstrongliketheir
dad.Kevinshould’veseenthiscoming.

“Kev, I’ve known you a long time and you’ve stuck by me through the hardest part of

my life. I didn’t creep around behind your back. I understand better than anyone else why
you’resoprotectiveofyoursis.”Hepausedforabeat.“Iwon’tgiveupuntilshetellsmeto.I
know you’re thinking a lot of big-bro-to-the-rescue stuff and I can’t hate on you for that. I
remember what you’ve seen me get up to with women. Risa is different and when I talk
abouther,Iain’ttalkingshort-term.”

Kevinwasn’tsurewhythismadehimsonervous.Maybeitwasthefactthathewasn’t

neededquiteasmuchasheusedtobe.Hewasn’tgoingtobeanassholeaboutitifthiswas

whatRisawanted.AguylikeJackwouldlookafterher.She’dbeonherownsomeday…likely
verysoon.Whichmeanthe’dbeonhisown,too.

Histhroatclenchedupandhetriedtoloosenitwithanothergulpofshake—abadmove

sinceitnearlyendedupalloverhisdesk.

“Did you visit her while I was gone?” Kevin choked on the words once he wrestled the

drinkdown.

“No. But I wanted to. And this past weekend, I didn’t so much as hold her hand or kiss

her.I’vebeenpatientthislongandI’llkeepitup.Idon’tknowifshe’sfeelingme.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Oh she is. She watches every move you make.” He sighed in

defeat.“Jack,Itrustyou.Don’thurtmylittlesister.”

“I don’t want to. Look on the bright side, though,” Jack added. “She could’ve been

chattingupaguylikeMoneyallthistime.”

Astrangledlaughescaped.Thatwouldbeanightmare.Moneyshouldcomewithticker-

tape warnings that women could read ahead of time. If Risa had been interested in him,
though,Kevincouldturnthattidewithfourwell-timedwords:“Money’shadcrabs.Twice.”

The silence that followed was heavy because Kevin didn’t know what was coming. He

hopedhisgiantgayskeletonwasn’tabouttomarchfromitsclosetandfireoffacouplesalvos
intotheair.Yeehaw,muthafuckas.

“It’syourturn,”Jackinformedhimpointedly.
“Whatdoyouwanttohear?”
“Iwanttoknowthetruthaboutthatguythisweekend.Heowesyoumoney?Healmost

wreckedyourcar?Idon’tthinkso.”

Kevinleanedbackinhisof icechairandtriednottogroan.“He’sjustaguyImetalong

timeago.Thisisstupid.”

“No,” Jack snapped, “it isn’t. What’s stupid is the lousy fucking stories you made up

abouthim.What’sstupidishidingyoursisterbehindbarbedwireandgettingpissedatme
fortalkingtoheronthephonewhenyou’vebeenhoardingagripofsecrets.Bigones.That’s
stupid.”

Kevindidgroanthistime.“Soundstomelikeyou’vealreadyreachedaconclusionabout

me;whydon’tyoutellmewhatitis?”

“Psshh.Don’tbeacoward,Kevin.Itain’tlikeyou.Iknowyou’vebeenkeepingthisfrom

me—well,fromeveryoneactually—foryears.Iwantyoutosayit.”

Kevin was sweating and his hand was so tight on the cell phone that his ingers were

goingnumb.IfJackdisownedtheirfriendship,sobeit,buthedidn’tlikefeelinglikethiswas
someterribleconfession.Itshouldn’tmatter.Heshouldn’thavetosayanythingabouthisown
privatelife.

“So?”Jackprompted.
“I’vebeenkeepingsomethingfromyouforyears,”hewhisperedtersely.
“And?”
Kevin closed his eyes and dropped his forehead into his hand. “I’m gay, Jack. Is that

whatyouneededtohear?Becauseitdoesn’tchangeshit.”

ThesilencewasexactlywhatheexpectedinresponseandKevinsqueezedhistemples

betweenhisthumband ingers.Histhroatwentdryaspasteandhewantedthetruthback
inhismouth,suckeddowntohislungs.Therewasnoreliefinthetelling—noweightcoming
up off of his shoulders. Kevin had long known who he was. He just knew that the next few
minuteswoulddeterminewhetherornotJackcouldhandleit.

“Whendidyoufindout?”heaskedimpassively.

Jack breathed into his phone and the sound was harsh in Kevin’s ear. “Wilson’s

retirementparty.”

Kevin searched his memory, trying to think of—“Jesus! That was four fucking years

ago!”

“I’m aware of that,” Jack said dryly. “I saw Wilson’s cousin, or whoever he was, scopin’

youallnight,thenwhenIwenttofindyousowecouldleave,youwere—”

“Whoa—you don’t have to say it. I remember.” It wasn’t a cousin, it was Wilson’s

younger brother, Russ. A real friendly guy. Kevin had been a little drunk and they sneaked
away from the other guests for a irst-rate grope and makeout session against the vinyl
sidingofWilson’shouse.AndapparentlyJackhadbeencartingaroundamentalPolaroidof
itforfouryears.Gross.

“That’s why I haven’t been so much as buzzed at work parties since then,” Kevin

clarified.

“Understandable.”
“You never said anything,” Kevin said quietly. He wanted to take encouragement from

the fact that Jack hadn’t been any different to him the entire four years that he knew the
truth, but suddenly he really wanted to hear him say that he was cool with it. Kevin’s mom
would say something about how if Jack walked away, he wasn’t the kind of friend Kevin
wanted in the irst place. The thought, no matter how true, didn’t make the waiting any
better.

“How was I gonna bring that up?” Jack sputtered. “I nearly shit my pants when I saw

himtryingtostarta ireinyourjeans.Ididn’tstickaroundtowatch,obviously,butat irstI
was sort of waiting for you to wail on him. When that didn’t happen, I went back inside,
called a cab and slammed four shots. I wanted to be wrecked so I wouldn’t have to say a
word…”

“What about asking me some other time? There must have been plenty of situations

whereIwouldn’tgooutwithyouguysandyouknewwhy.”

“Therewere,yeah.Weweredeployedafterthatandcouldn’tgooutanyway—thenIgot

hitandIwastoodistractedtoworryaboutyouandyourpecker…”Jacktookadeepbreath
and Kevin copied him, swallowing a lungful of air. “The thing is, once I got over the shock,
onceIsawthatyouwerethesameguy,itdidn’tmatter.Itstilldoesn’tmattertome,Kev,but
youhavetodecidewhatyou’regoingtodoaboutRisa.She’sgoingtobereallyhurtwhenshe

inds out because she’ll think your chicken shit ass couldn’t trust her. I get why you didn’t

tellme,but…”

“I’vehadtokeepthistomyselfforalongtime,”Kevinstressed,“butI’lltellyouthis:Just

because they repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, doesn’t mean I’m inding a dude and getting
pictures together at the Marine Corps Ball. That’s not me. I’m not going to come out to
everyonearoundmewithaparadeandacakebecausethey’renotallowedtodischargeme
now. Not everybody needs to know about this even if you’ve been on top of it for years.
That’sthewayIseeit.It’smylife.Idon’tneedtoknowwhoanyoneelseisfucking,theycan
swallow their disappointment in not hearing about who I’m with. If I were into women, I
wouldn’tyapaboutthat,either.”

Jack cleared his throat impatiently. “I’m not talking about anyone else but your sister.

EsteandMoneywouldfreak,Ithink.IfIwereinyourshoeswiththeworkthing,I’dkeepit
tomyself,too—onlybecausebringingitupmakespeoplethinkofyouasthegayguy.‘Hey,it’s
GunnerySergeantMcGuire.He’sthefuckinggayone.’Thatshitisn’timportant.”

“Risa’sbeenmypriorityforalmostsixyears,man,”Kevinsaid,feelingastressheadache

starting behind his eyes. “I didn’t want all the bad things she had to deal with to be worse
withmybusiness.Ididn’twantmypersonallifeimpactingher.Shewastoovulnerable.”

“Ain’t you the hero? She might’ve been vulnerable, bro, but that was then. Is that the

onlyreason?”Jackpressed.

“I’mnotashamedofbeinggayifthat’swhatyou’reasking.”
“Iain’taskingthat.Yougotta igureoutyournextstep.Risaisn’tstupidandIguarantee

your reaction to that guy from the race is loatin’ around in the back of her head. I’m
guessinghe’sanothermemoryofyourscometolife?”

Kevinspokethroughgrittedteeth.“Yes.”
“Ishebackforaslow-motionreplay?”
“Jack.”
“I’mjustplayin’!”
Kevinrolledhischairbackbehindhisdesk.“I’vegottogetbacktowork.Arewecool?”
“TalktoRisaandI’llthinkaboutit.”
Kevin plunked his shake on the desktop. “Look, I’m glad you’re not freaked out. I’m

gratefulyou’remyfriend,butI’mhangingup.Thisisgettingweird.”

“Talkto—”
Kevin punched the end button and dropped his head onto his arms. He didn’t know if

he should be pissed or really scared. Fear was making his heart thrum against his ribs and
heknewitwaswinningout.

Jackknew.He’dknownallthistime.SowhatdidKevindonow?
He wanted to forget about Christian and Jack and Risa. He wanted to hurtle twenty

yearsintothepast,walkintothehouseafterschoolandhughismom,then indhisdadand
hughim,too.Hewantedthefreedomofnotknowinghowlittletimehehadleftwiththemto
sayeverythinghewantedtosaybeforetheworsthappened.

***

Areyouthere?
Christian stared at the text message and wondered if he should send it. Kevin didn’t

respondtothelastoneandthesharedmealcertainlydidn’t ixeverythingbetweenthemor
makethempals.Itjustwasn’teasytothinkofeverythinghe’dconfessedandthendealwith
an awful silence. Of course, every time the impatience rose up he reminded himself that
KevinhadsharedalotwithhiminCaboandChristiandroppedhim.

Hell.Hesentthemessage.Therewasnowayhewasgoingtobethatsameguyhewas

before. Kevin was going to get open honesty and whatever other torturous emotional
baggage Christian had in order to prove that he was sincere and understood the gravity of
his mistake all those years ago. Putting himself out there was brutal, no wonder he hated it
somuch.

ThephoneblinkedathimandChristian’sstomachflipped.
Yeah,I’mhere.Working,tho.
Hmm. Was this a brush off or a let’stalklater response? With his balls in his throat, he

typedthe irstthingthatcametohismindandhitsendbeforehecouldeditthemessageto
thepointofblandness.

Won’t keep you. Wanted to say again that I’m thinkin of you and glad we got to talk. Was

goodtoseeyouinreallifeinsteadofinmyhead.

Christianwaitedandprayedforagoodresponse—somethingthatwouldgivehimhope

that they’d see each other again. An hour later, when he was running through the after-
action report for the race, the text came in. Geoff, one of the staffers who was helping liaise
withvendors,wassittingacrossfromhimintheconferenceroomandglancedupatthebuzz
ofChristian’sphone.

Swivelinginhischair,Christianopenedthemessageandcrossedhisfingers.
Beenatuffday.Lotsofshittothinkabout…Good2knowthewholestorynow.Confusing2

seeyou.

ThesmileonChristian’sfacegrewslowly.Thiswasbig.Thiswasprogress!Therewasn’t

a single “stay the hell away from me” or “fuck off ” to be seen. It was like this honesty
horseshitwasworking!

Understood.IwishIcouldgobackandchangethings…
NotevenaminutepassedbeforeKevin’sresponsecame.
Todaymustbeaboutregretsforeverybody.
Christiandidn’tknowwhatthatmeantexactly,butifithelpedhiscause,he’dgowithit.

Everyday’sbeenaboutregretformesinceIleftthathotelroom.Cheesybuthonest.

AnoiseinthebackgroundgrabbedChristian’sattentionandhelookeduptofindGeoff’s

eyesfixedonhimlikehewaswaitingforaresponse.

“Sorry.What?”
“Doyouwantmetorunthenumbersthroughandbringthemtoyou,orpassitalongto

Ginaandhaveherreportonit?”

Numbers? Christian thought. What in the hell had they been talking about? He set his

phone down and shuf led through his papers until he remembered where he was sitting
andwhatyearitwas.

“Give them to Gina,” he said absently, glancing back at his phone. Geoff pushed away

fromthetableimpatientlyandbeforehewasevenacrosstheconferenceroom to the door,
Christianforgotabouthim.

Kevindidn’ttextagain.

107

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERNINE

“DidIwakeyouup?”
Kevin’s response was muf led and Christian listened closely until the Marine’s voice

camethroughclearontheline.“No,I’vebeenupforawhile,Ijustgotoutoftheshower.The
towelwasinmyface.”

ChristianwiselychosetoignoretheimageofKevingettingoutoftheshower,dryinghis

hairwithatowel,anddecidedtojustbehappytheothermanansweredatall.Well,maybe
he’dbehappywhilehepicturedtheguyinatowel…Compromise.

“Whendoyouusuallygointowork?”
“I get there before seven most days, why?” There were sounds in the background that

made Christian picture Kevin going through a morning routine: deodorant, shaving, hair
styling,whatever.

“I have meetings up north and, being a good Boy Scout, I looked at a map to see how

closeI’llbetoCampPendleton—Iassumeyouworkthere.”

“Yeah.”
Christiangrimaced.WhyhadhethoughtKevinwouldmakethiseasy?“Iwantedtosee

ifyou’dgrabacoffeewithmebeforeyougoin.”Hewaited.Alongtime.Like,enoughtimeto
noticeheneededtodolaundry,cleanthebathroommirror,andremembertobuymilk.“It’s
notabigdeal,”Christianadded,alittlede lated.“Icanmeetyouandwecanhavecoffeeand
otherwiseignoreeachotherifyouwant.”

“If I leave in ten minutes, that would still only give us about twenty minutes to ignore

eachother,”Kevinanswered,soundingonlypartiallyreluctant,whichwasstillbetterthanan
outrightno.God,whatthismandidtoChristian’sego.

“Well,”hesaideasily,“that’stwentymoreminutesthanIthoughtI’dget.”
Kevin grumbled something unintelligible and Christian liked the sound of surrender.

“There’saplaceabout ivemilesoffbasethatdoestheusualbreakfast,coffee,muf inthing.
It’scalledGo-ToGrounds.”

“Seriously?”
“Ididn’tnameit.”
“I’llmeetyouthere—atGo-ToGrounds,”Christianemphasized,stillgrinning.“I’mleaving

myhouserightnow.”

Kevin’sreplywastohangup—somethingthey’dhavetoworkon.
Before Christian had gathered the nerve to call, he spent way too long choosing the

perfectpairofpants.Itwasdumb,really,becausetherewasnoguaranteethatKevinwould
notice,butthepantshechosedidnicethingsforhisniceparts.Theywereslategrayanda
bit retro—dressy enough for meetings, but he could still give them the edge he liked by
wearingastuddedblackbeltandapairofhismotorcycleboots.HedecidedonalightV-neck
inblack,wantingtoexposealittlemoreofhisinkbecauseitseemedtogetKevin’sattention,
andhewantedthatquitebadly.

His Hummer guzzled the gas as he followed the navigation system’s voice toGo-To

Grounds.HelaughedashethoughtofhowKevinsoundedsayingit.Theguywasalmosttoo
toughtosaythingslikethatandbetakenseriously.Itwashisdeep,Batmanvoicethatdidit
andBatmandidn’tsaythingslikeGo-ToGrounds.Hegrunted,thensnappedarmsandnecks.

Christian really wished he had more than twenty minutes with that voice to look

forwardto,butifnothingelseitwasanopportunitytogetKevintocommittoanotherdinner
—oradrink.Anythingtokeepthemincontact.

The coffee shop sat next to a funeral parlor on one side and a small parking lot on the

other,butheknewhisrigwouldprobablyripoffsomeone’smirrorstryingtogetintoaspot.
MaybeheshouldtradeintheHummerforsomethinglessridiculous.KevindrovearedJeep
—Christianhadwatchedhimleavethenightbefore—anditwasn’tinthelotyet.Henoticed
several men and women in uniform were in and out of the shop with paper cups in hand,
butnobodylookedasgoodasKevindidintheircammies.Justthethoughtofhiminuniform
madeChristian’spantsuncomfortablelikehispeckerwasreadytotakehimhigher.

Toseemlessstalkerish,hegotoutoftheHummerandmadehiswaytooneoftheempty

tables outside the shop to wait. The sun was bright against his face and he popped his
sunglassesbackonasKevin’sJeeppulledintothelot.Hewasplayingmusicloudenoughthat
Christiancouldheardistortedguitarriffsfromwherehewasseated.

When Kevin stepped out of the car and pulled that hat down low, Christian wanted to

applaud as he observed the other man’s approach. Another Marine left the shop and as he
gotclosertoKevin,ChristianwatchedKevinsalute.Goddamn.

Christian was about ive seconds from a fantastic hard on if he didn’t rein himself in.

Saluting!Whoeverbeganthatpracticeshouldhavesomethingnamedafterhim.

KevinnoticedChristianafewfeetfromtheentranceandpausedmid-step.“Oh.Hey—I

thoughtyouwereinside.”

Christian stood up, purposely taking his time and angling his body so that if a viewer

was so inclined, he might see something he liked—a quick glimpse of skin above the belt,
flexedarms,slowsmile…

Gothim.
Kevinblinkedrapidlyandturnedhisattentiontothetraf icasChristianmovedtoopen

thedoor.AlittlebelljingledandKevinmethiseyes,hisjawtense.Christian’ssmileturnedto
afullgrin.He’dneverseenaguyflexhisjawsomuch.

“Thanksformeetingmehere.It’sgoodtoseeyou.”Christianpushedhissunglassesback

tothetopofhishead.

Kevinnoddedcurtlyandsteppedinside,carefullyavoidinganycontactwithChristianas

he did so. The line wasn’t long and only a few seats inside were taken, each by people in
uniform,andChristiansawthewayKevinkepthisdistance.

Ashelookedoverthemenuandthearrayofmuf insinthegiantdisplaycase,Christian

caughtagirl—anotherMarine—scopinghimout.Yes,hethought,here’sproofthatmyvibe
isworking.Toobadshe’snotthedudestandingnexttome.

Whentheywereinfrontofthecashier,Kevinordered“TheUsual”andChristianasked

foraregularcoffeewithablueberrymuf inthesizeofKevin’sbicep.Inaswiftmove,heslid
cash across the counter and paid for them both, which got his reluctant Marine frowning
again.Hetriedveryhardnottolaugh,butabitofpleasureleakedthrough.Hecouldn’thelp
it.

Kevin’s order was up irst and he took it with a low, “Thank you,” before heading back

outside. Christian followed once he had his coffee in hand and sat down, noticing the other
manhadtakenthespotthatgavehimthebestviewofthelotandtheroad,eventhoughany
would-be attackers were corpses from the funeral place next door. Kevin was just a tactical
guy,though.Andtacticalwasagreatturn-on.

“Tell me,” Christian said, ripping off a hunk of blueberry muf in and popping it in his

mouth.“What’s‘TheUsual’—isitcoffee?”

“Tea.”
“Really?Tea?Whatkind?”
Kevinshrugged.“Brown.Hot.Idon’tknow.”
“Nospecialapricot-mangoblend,then?Jasmine?”
“Ilikedyourideaaboutignoringeachother,”Kevingrumbled.“Let’sdothat.”
“Yousortoflooklikeyouhadaroughnight,”hesaid,onceagainpullinghissunglasses

backdownoverhiseyes.

Kevinsquinted,evenwiththebillofhishatblockingthesun,andstareddeterminedly

atthepassingcars.“Thanks.Nicetoknowitshows.”

“I didn’t say you lookbad,” he clari ied. “You look…annoyed. Did the night get rough

before orafter I texted?” Christian’s question was serious, but he tried to back off on the
pressurebychompingonanotherbiteofmuffin.

“It’snotlikethat.Igotaphonecallthatjuststirredshitup.That’sall.”
“You can tell me, you know,” Christian offered, though he wasn’t sure he’d keep from

freakingoutifthis“phonecall”wasfromaboyfriend.“Friendstelleachotherthings.”

“Sowe’refriendsnow?”
“Quitdodging.Whathappened?”Hewipedhismouthwithanapkinandburnedapath

downhisthroatwithhisfirstswigofcoffee.

Kevin’s demeanor was grumpy before, but as he decided whether or not to talk, he

became re lective. Christian set down his cup and waited, pushing all amusement to stand-
by.

“YourememberJack?”
DidherememberJack??Sortofatoughguytoforget.
“Yeah.Ido.”
“He and Risa—they’re sort of together, or talking. A well-kept secret of Jack’s, I guess.”

Kevin drank some of his tea and shook his head as though simply mentioning the situation
madehimupset.

“Itakeityoudisapprove.”
“Idon’tknowwhatIfeel.He’stenyearsolderthansheis.Plus—andthisisthebigpart

—he’s my best friend and I’ve seen too much of his ways to enjoy setting him loose on my
sister, no matter what he’s been through in the past few years. I know too much. I’ve seen
himinaction.”

Christian’s eyebrows popped up. Hopefully notthatkind of action… “Is it that serious

betweenthem,orhavetheyjustbeentalking?”

If he remembered the guy’s release form correctly, Jack’s address was in Colorado or

thereabouts.Thatmeanttherewasapossibilitythetwoofthemweren’tactuallyseeingmuch
of each other. Which probably meant little sister wasn’t doing it with Jack yet. Which was a
positive thing where all big brothers are concerned. Hell, most big brothers preferred
thinking their sisters didn’t even have all the requisite girl parts. Christian may not like his
ownlittlesister,buthe’dbeenallforherjoininganunnery.

“JacksaidtheystartedtalkingwhileIwasgone.Idon’tknowmuchelseexcepttheyboth

seem into each other and Jack says he’s liked her for a while. It’s just that—well, I didn’t
knowanythingaboutthis.She’syoungandIknowshe’llgetseriousabouthimsofast.Risa’s
beenthroughalot.”

“Youdon’ttrusthim?”Christianaskedgently,knowingthetruth.
Kevin shifted and lifted his hat to rub at his forehead tiredly. “I trust him, but Risa is

different.She’stheonlyfamilyIhaveleft.”

“Ibethegetsthat.Ibetyourtrustmeansenoughtohimthathewouldn’teverwantto

dosomethingthatbrokeit.There’sprobablyapartofhimthathatedbeingattractedtoyour
sisterbecauseheknewalloftheobstacles.Idon’tknowhimatall,butsomethingtellsmehe
doesn’tdothingslightly.Maybehedidonceuponatime,but…haven’tweall?”

Kevin mulled that over, or at least Christian hoped so as he watched the other man

continuetoglareatthetraf ic.Turningabruptly,Kevinclaspedbothhandsaroundhisdrink
and stared hard enough that Christian was relieved his own eyes were hidden behind
glasses.Theattentionwasdisconcerting.

“Jackknows,”Kevinblurted.
“About?”
“Me.”
“You?Oh…You.”Christianswallowed,wishinghewereoutfrombeneathKevin’sintense

scrutiny.“Youthoughthedidn’tknow.”

Kevinjustkeptstaring.
“Well,Ididn’ttellhim,”Christiansaid,irritated.“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”
Kevin sighed and turned away in frustration. “Risa doesn’t know. He wants me to tell

herrightaway.Notlikeanultimatumoranything.Hejustthinkssheneedstoknow.”

ChristianlookedupthroughhislashesatKevinasheplayedwiththelidofhiscup.He

thought he knew what the real issue was, but he didn’t know how to ask without pissing
Kevinoff.

“If Jack knew about you and wasn’t any different, that’s a good thing, but you’ve kept

thisfrombothofthemanditbothersyoubecauseyou’velied,too.”

“Sort of. Not really. Omission rather than lies. It’s personal—completely private to me.”

Kevinadmittedsoftly.

“But…”Christiandrewthewordout.“Thatreasoningisn’tmakingyoufeelanybetter.”
Those green eyes snapped up and they were intimidating as hell. “What are you

implying?”

Christianshruggedandlookedbackathiscoffeecup.“Listen,IknowIdon’tknowyouas

wellasJackorRisa.OnenightinCaboisnothingcomparedtothetimeyou’vehadwiththem.
Butanyonewhomeetsyouknowsyouarehonest,serious,andthatyouvalueyourintegrity.
Myguessisthatitbothersyoumostthatyou’vekeptthisfromthem,andbeingmadatJack
forkeepingasecretmakesyoufeellikeahypocrite.

“I know you’re a private person—I am, too; I get that. You once said to me that your

personallifeisa‘needtoknow’thing.YoucareaboutJackandyoursistermorethananyone
else… I think they need to know.” Christian paused and cocked his head in consideration.
“Thatsaid,I’mstillcrawlingoutoftheholeIdugmyselfintoandIprobablywouldn’tbethis
farifIwasn’toutedinatabloid.So,takemyopinionasyouwill.”

Kevin scowled and his frustration abruptly turned to anger at that last comment. He

movedtocheckhiswatch.“Time’sup,doc.”

The sudden sarcasm actually hurt and Christian reminded himself that he couldn’t

expect any special treatment. A couple of conversations didn’t translate to trust or
attachment.Kevinwasunderstandablyleeryofhim.

Lookonthebrightside.Heconfidedinyou.
Thiswastrue.Thethoughtbroughtbacksomeconfidence.
“I’ll walk you to your car,” Christian answered, pulling his slow-standing trick again.

Kevin’seyesflewtothehemofhisshirtasitroseup,thenflittedawayagain.

AttheJeep,Christianheldthedriver’ssidedooropenwithonehand,leaningagainstit

asKevinstartedtheengine.“I’mgoingtobelateifyoudon’tletmegetoutofhere.”

“CanItellyousomething?Asafriend,ofcourse.”
Kevingavealongsufferinglook.“Fine.What?”
He’s impatient when he’s nervous, Christian realized. Maybe hewas getting under the

man’sskinmorethanhethought.Theideasentaflushthroughhisbody.

“Youruniformisdrivingmeoutofmymind.Couldthoserolledsleevesbeanytighter?”
Kevin’slaughseemedtosurprisehimmorethanitdidChristian.Itsoundedsonatural,

likethemanheremembered.

“That’swhatyouhadtotellme?”Kevin’slipstwitchedwithamusement.
“Sure.”
“Well,asafriend—”
“Whatelsewouldyoube?”
“—youshouldknowthatthiswholelook,”KevinwavedahandatChristianfromheadto

toe.“Itsmakingmereally…”

“What?”Christianaskedbreathlessly.
Kevinyankedonthedoor,catchingChristianoffguardasitslammedshut.Thewindow

rolleddown.“It’smakingmelateforwork.”

With that, Kevin actuallygrinned, hit the gas and pulled away, offering a last wave

throughthewindow.

145

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTEN

He shouldn’t have met up with Christian. Kevin should have told him it wouldn’t work

and they could meet some other time. Or never. But what did he do? He rushed through
shaving,cuttinghisnecktwice,gotdressedasfastashecouldandpracticallysprintedtohis
carasRisawatchedfromthewindowwithwideeyes.Then,hegottothecoffeejointandhad
to suffer through Christian getting out of that chair and moving like a goddamn cheetah
stretchinginthesun.

Kevin cracked his neck to ease some tension, showed his ID to the gate guard and was

wavedthrough.AshedrovethelastfewstreetstoCompanyHQ,he reluctantly admitted to
himselfhowattractedhewastoChristian.Still.

The man had matured, but he held this sad look of the perpetually haunted. Christian

madejokesandlaughedwhilehiseyesweresomber.Kevinwasintriguedagainsthiswill.He
knew he had to turn down any more invitations and move on. There was a potent edge to
theirmeetings;aninescapablesenseofinvolvementthattoldKevinhewaseithergoingtogo
crazyorfallintoodeep.

HedidnottrustChristian.Hedidn’ttrusthimselftomaketherightdecisionswherethe

other man was concerned. Christian created such an acute response in him, be it anger,
pleasure,pain.

SohowwasitpossiblethatKevinlikedhimagain?Whywasheallowinghimafoothold?

Whydidhe indhimselflookingforwardtothenexttextmessage?Orwonderingifhe’dget
afuckingphonecall.

Kevin moved slowly to his of ice and signed in to his account. Most of his emails dealt

withthetrainingnextweek.Heplannedonworkinginthearmoryformostoftheafternoon
andthiswouldbehisonlychancetotakecareofwhatevertaskershehadstackingup.The
Company XO and CO were equally involved with plans on their level, which meant more
logisticalbuilduponKevin’send.

TherewasaknockathisdoorandKeebler—nokidding,thatwasthePlatoonSergeant’s

lastname—stuckhisheadinthedoor.

“Hey,Gunny,”hegreeted.“Gotaminute?”
“Yeah,quickthough.Whatisit?”
“TheMREsfornextweek,wereyougoingtorunthatthesameaslasttime?Havethem

truckedtothesiteandissuedthere?”

Kevinshookhisheadandkeptsearchingforsomeotherpaperworkheneededinoneof

thestacksoffoldersonhisdesk.“Nah,notwiththetrainingbeingshorter.I’mgoingtohave
you and the other Platoon Sergeants pick them up here. You can have the squad leaders
issuethemout.”

“OnSundaynight?”
Kevinnodded.“OrreallyearlyMondaymorning.”
“Gotit.Thanks.”
Already distracted by something else, Kevin silently went back to work as Keebler left.

Hewasinterruptedacouplemoretimes,oncebytheXOupdatinghimonachangetotheOp
Order concerning ammunition—blanks and simmunition were in. More work for him to
spreadaround—probablytothethreeMarineswhoforgottoholdontotheirweaponsatthe

lastOp.He’dhavetheirsquadleaderssendthemover;theyprobablydidn’thaveshittodo.

When lunch came around Kevin grabbed his protein shake and left the building,

headingtotheonepicnictableneartheof icesohecouldbeoutsideandclearhishead.The
whole Risa and Jack thing wasn’t settled in his mind and of course, Christian was a massive
drawonhisattention.

He supposed the bottom line was this: his little sister was iguring out her own life.

Kevin didn’t know if Jack had unburdened his soul to her yet, but all signs pointed to her
eagerreception.Thenhowlongwoulditbebeforethingsgotreallyseriousbetweenthetwo
ofthemandshewasmakinganannouncementaboutmovingout,orJackmovingin,orRisa
movingtoColorado?

It was bound to happen—Jack was being pretty vocal about taking this seriously and

Risa wasn’t the social butter ly, lirt wherever type. If she started seeing Jack it would be a
bigdeal.Kevincouldonlyrememberhergoingoutwithacoupleguys,andtohisutterrelief,
therelationshipsnevertookoff.ButshereallylikedJackevenifshewasn’tadmittingityet.

What he told Christian held true. He remembered all of the crap he’d seen Jack and

their buddies get up to together, and that was all ine and dandy when his little sister was
snug at home reading culinary magazines and at no risk of heartbreak by a crew of
douchebags.

Dammit.IfJackhurther…
Kevinshookhisheadandmumbledtohimself.Hewassoangry.Foralotofreasons.The

onethatbotheredhimmostwasthatifhegavehisstampofapprovaltoRisaandJack,then
hewassayingwhathealreadyknew—thatJackwasn’tapromiscuousmananylonger.Ifhe
accepted that Jack could change and Risa could change andh ecould change, didn’t that
meanhehadtoacceptthataguylikeChristiancouldchangeaswell?

Was that what was really bugging him the most? That he couldn’t hide behind the

dutiesofguardianandbigbrotherforeverandthatatsomepointhewasgoingtobeforced
to igureoutallofthecraphe’dputonhold?Likecaringaboutsomeone,fallinginlove,and
telling Risa the truth…? She’d start to wonder if she moved out and he stayed celibate and
singleforever.Shealreadyteasedhimaboutnotdating.

Didallhisfrustrationcomedowntotherealizationthathisissuesweren’twithhissister

indinghappinesswithhisbestfriend,butratherthatalltheupheavalforcedKevintomake

decisionsforhisownfuture?

Foramanwhohatedcandy-asspeople,he’dbeendoingalotofhiding…

145

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERELEVEN

Stretched out on the couch in his living room, Christian was half-watching ESPN and

half-thinking. He was chewing on the end of a straw from a chocolate milkshake he told
himself he wasn’t going to buy but ended up buying anyway. The empty cup was looking
lonely on the coffee table, a sign he should’ve bought a burger to go with it. Or fries. That
soundedgood.Hecheckedhiswatch—no,itwastoolatetogoback.Goingtobedwithburger
gutwastheworst.

The morning meetings went well. Who cared? So the company had more sponsors, big

deal. Christian hadn’t heard from Kevin and calling again would be too much. All day he
couldn’t stop thinking about the guy, well, actually he couldn’t stop thinking about Kevin’s
lips. Tomorrow it would be his green eyes. The next day, his black hair. And on. And on.
Today it was the lips, though. Christian wanted to go to town on those babies. Suck on that
bottomlip,pushtheotherman’smouthopenandsinkhistonguein.

“Uhhhhh…”hegrunted.
He was getting so caught up in Kevin and at the same time, he knew the sentiment

wasn’t returned. It was sort of like with Mark who’d reached professional status at turning
Christiandown.Theonetimetheykissedhadn’tevenbeengoodbecauseMarkwassointent
on loving Zane Whitlow that he couldn’t be bothered with Christian’s tongue in his mouth.
Bastard.

He’d called Mark earlier in the day and left a message about running into Kevin again.

Maybe he’d get a call back. Kevin McGuire warranted a call back—all six-feet- ive inches of
himdeservedacallback.

Christian’seyesslidbacktohisemptymilkshake.God,hewantedaburger.
Picking up the remote he randomly changed channels until he caught a lash of one of

hisfavoritemovies,TheRoadToPerdition.It ithismoodperfectly.Hecouldwatchit,thengo
drownhimselfinthefountainoutfront.

Forsomereasonthatsong,MondayMonday,bytheMamasandthePapascametomind

andhefoundhimselfmumblingthelyrics.

Aheavyknocksoundedonhisfrontdoorandtheonlyacknowledgmenthegavewasto

turnhisheadandfrownashemumble-sang.Ms.Skousen,thenicedivorceewholivednext
door,broughthimcookiesafewdaysago.Therewasnowayshewasbackwithmoredessert
—maybesheneededhelpwithsomethingmanly,likebug-killingortire-changing.Heperked
upatthethought.Anotherknocklandedandhepushedupwithagrunt.

Whatagreatcouch,hethoughtabsently,stillhummingashepaddedtothedoorinbare

feet.Christianlookeddownoncetomakesurehewaspresentable—shortsandat-shirt, ly
uphighandtight,asisright—andopenedthedoortofindKevinstandingthere.

Kevin with messy hair, loose workout pants, and a black Underarmour tank top.

Standingrightthere.StaringatthestrawstillclampedbetweenChristian’steeth.

Christianyankeditoutandsteppedbacksilently,makingroomforKevintowalkinside.
“Hey,” Kevin nodded, leaving his keys and phone on the trunk by the door. “Is it okay

thatI’mhere?”

Christian nodded, then sputtered because all he could think of were the arms and

pectoralsondisplayinfrontofhim.“Y-yeah.Yep.Yes.It’sfine.”

The pads of muscle covering Kevin’s body were a testament to hard work. He wasn’t

lean,hehadmasswithoutbeingridiculous.Hehaddefinition,butitwasn’tthetypeChristian
had with his own lighter weight; this was rolling hills and deep valleys of musculature. His
absshowedthroughhistank,roundandhardratherthansharp-edged.Kevin’slookwasless
aboutspendinghalfadayinthegym,andmoretheeffectofmanyyears’focus.

ThestrawwentbackinChristian’smouthandhebitdownhard.SeeingKevinlikethis

madehimwanttoaskstupidquestionslike,“CanyoudopushupswhileIsitonyourback?”
Thatwouldprobablygooveraboutaswellasthechewedupstraw.

Christian somehow made it back to the couch and he watched silently—practically in

awe—asKevinfollowedhimintotheroom,glancedatthetelevision,andputhishandsinhis
pocketsasthoughheexpectedsomething.

“CanIgetyouadrink?”Christianrememberedtoask.
“I’mgood.CanIsit?”
Onlyafteryoutakeoffyourtanktopand lexyourlats.Christiankepthismouthshutand

casuallypointedattheopenendofthecouchwithhismutilatedstraw.

“YouwenttoIn-N-Outburger?”
“Boughtashakeandcamehome,”Christiananswered,turningdownthevolumeonthe

movie.

Kevinsighedandsankalittlelowerintothecouch,whichmadeitnearlyimpossiblefor

Christian not to sneak peeks at his crotch every few seconds. What’s the etiquette on that?
He asked himself. If it’s out there jutting into one’s line of sight, there should be a three-
glanceallotment.Hewaswellpastthatalready.

Kevin seemed like he wanted to say something, but he kept silent, glancing around at

thebarewallsandfloors.Christianlookedaround,too.

“Idon’twanttoputupanypicturesuntilI’msurethey’rereallywhatIwantonthewall.

Savesmehavingtomovestuffaround,plusevenwiththerighttoolsIseemtobeincapable
of hanging anything evenly. It’s a curse passed down on my dad’s side, I think.” He was
babbling.

Kevin mumbled something but Christian caught the traces of a smile as his eyes went

searching for crotch again. If Kevin didn’tspeaksoon,Christianwasonlygoingtogetworse.
He’dhavetogo indabaggyt-shirtfortheguythatwouldn’tsenda“Pleasetouchmehere,
here,andhere,”message.

Thislet’sbefriendsbullshitwasgettingtiredandhe’donlyhadKevinbackinhislifefor

fourdaysnow.Imagineifthey iguredoutawaytospendmoretimewithoneanother.He’d
probablykeeloveranddiefromthestrain.

“ItalkedtoJackagain.”Kevinbrokethesilence,staringatthetelevision.TomHankswas

busythreateningsomeoneonscreen.

“When’s his funeral?” Christian found himself watching each nuance of Kevin’s pro ile.

He was looking for a smile, a frown, confusion—something that would provide a clue as to
whattheothermanwasthinking.

“Itdidn’tcometothat.I’mnotgoingtorunhimoffwithashotgunoranything.”
Christian had been right. It was the classiclittle-sisters-should-be-nuns rule coming into

play.

“Sothey’retogethernow?”
Kevin shrugged. “I have no clue. Jack’s not sharing and I’m not sure I want to know. I

haven’ttalktoRisaaboutit,yet.ShegoestosomecyclingclassonTuesdaynights.”

Ahh,afellowsufferer.

“Did…uh…Jackaskabouttheotherthing?”
KevinlookedawayfromthemovieanddirectlyintoChristian’seyes.“Yep.”
“Well?”
ApuzzledlookcameoverKevin’sface.“Wellwhat?I’mthinkingshitover.”
“Jeez,Kevin!”Christianfrowned,abruptlyexasperated.“Idon’tknowwhatyouwantme

tosayhere.Ihavetodragallofthisinformationoutofyou.Iknowyou’reshowingmewho’s
bossandthatanymomentinyourcompanyisaluxury.Pointtaken.”

Kevincockedhishead,surprisedattheoutburst.“IsthatwhatyouthinkI’mdoing?”
Christian slouched down low in the seat with his back to the plush arm of the sofa,

keepinghisfeettuckednearhisbodysotheywouldn’tbeanywherenearKevin’slap.

“Ithinkit’sobvious.Youdon’tknowwhattodowithme,soyou’rerunningmethrough

mypaces.You’reniceenoughtomakemefeelgood,thenyoucomeatmewiththeattitude
soI’mneveronsteadyfooting.Andyou’reatease.”

Kevin’smouthfellopenandhelaughedloudly.“I’matease? I’matease?Doesthislook

familiartoyou?”Veryslowly,hestretchedhisbodyandstoodupsothatChristianwasable
to take in every ine curve, the sunbursts of tanned skin, and his gently lexing muscles.
“ThankGodIonlyhadtwentyminutestosparethismorningbecauseotherwiseyou’dhave
beenpullingthatstretchingshitallday.Standingupinslowmotion—”Hejabbeda ingerat
Christian.“You’rethetease.”

Christian gave a wol ish smile. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, his

irritationforgotten.

Kevin fell back into his seat, still glowering. “For a kid who couldn’t believe he was

holding my hand on a street in Mexico, you’ve sure igured out a few tricks. You’re a prick
whodoesn’tknowwhentoleavewellenoughalone.”

Christiansilentlyagreedwithbothstatements.Oddlyenough,theydidn’tupsethim.He

wassortofproudthathewaspossiblyhavingaphysicalaffectonthemanacrossfromhim.
They both went quiet and the movie iltered between them again. It was the diner scene
wherethecreepyphotographercomesin.

“Helooksbadinthis,”Kevinnoddedtowardthescreen.
“Hanks?”
“No,theotherone.What’s-his-face.”
“Yeah.” Christian pretended to be watching when he really just wanted to know what

made Kevin come over. Were they going to sit here the whole night commentating on a
movie, or worse, sit in silence so that all Christian had to think about was the crotch on the
otherendofthecouch?

“So, not that I mind, but why are you here?” Christian asked before he could think not

to. Kevin was sort of like a genie. If you asked him too much, he went right back into his
bottle.

The Marine eased forward, green eyes un linching, and clasped his hands loosely. “I

cameoverbecauseIwantedtoaskyousomething.”

Christian’searsperked.Hehopedwhateveritwas,itwasmanly—Ms.Skousenandher

cookiesbedamned.Helaughedtohimself.“Ask.”

“Willyougooutwithme?Onarealdate.”Hedidn’tstutter,clearhisthroat,ormumble.

Thequestionsnappedoutwithcon idenceandChristianwishedhestillhadsomemilkshake
leftsohecouldspititoutinshock.He’dalwayswantedtospitsomethinginshock.

“Idon’tknow,”hewaf led.“We’re suchgreatfriendsnow.Areyousureyouwanttorisk

that?”

Kevin’s answering smile was wide and bright, and a rare pleasure. With a set of teeth

likethose,hehadnoideawhyKevindidn’tflashthemmoreoften.

“Considerourgreatfriendshipasolidfoundationtobuildon.”
“I’mbigonbowling,”Christiansaidhopefully,feelinglikehiseyebrowswereontheback

ofhisheadinhiscurrentstateofsurpriseandexcitement.

Kevin laughed and Christian wanted to ind something to write down the date that he

gottheguytochuckletwiceinonesitting.

“If that’s what you want to do, we can make it happen.” Kevin answered, authentically

calm and collected in ways that Christian could only fake. He looked like he asked guys out
for a living. Since Christian hadn’t been asked out like this by another manever, it was
touching.Andsignificantlyarousing.IfMarkevercalledtohearthestory,hewouldflip.

“Justyouandme?Noentourage?”
Kevinrolledhiseyes.“Jack’sinColorado.EsteandMoneyarebackinMontereyworking,

andRisa—well,shewon’tbethere.Justyouandme.”

“What made you want to ask? My whole look?” Christian mimicked Kevin’s move from

thatmorningashewavedahandfromhisheadtohistoes.

“Couldbe.Or,maybeIgottiredofbeingahardassandcaved.”
“Howromantic.”Christiangrinned.
“What’syouranswer?”
Christiandroppedhiseyesandnoticedastainonhisshorts.Isthatmustard?!WhendidI

havemustard?

“Bowling.Yes,”hesaid,anembarrassingamountofjoywellingupwardfromsomeinner

springofnerd.

Kevinnoddedonceandpushedtohisfeet,makinghiswaytothefrontdoor.“I’llcallyou

aboutit,butIthinkFridaynightisbest.I’mworkinglatethenexttwodays.”

“You’releavingnow?”Christiancouldn’thidehisdisappointment.
“I’m going on a run early in the morning and I want to see Risa before I rack out

tonight.”

ChristianhoppedupfromthecouchandfollowedKevintothedoor,holdingitopenas

theothermansteppedoutside.Kevindidn’tgoinforakiss—noway,thatwasn’thisstyle—
butheliftedhishandandrana ingeralongChristian’sleftforearm.Theactionwasalinein
thesandthatChristianfullyintendedtocrosswhenthetimewasright.

“I’llcall.”Kevinbestowedanotherfullsmile.
“Okay,”Christianwhispered,thenwatchedasKevinmadehiswaydownthewalktothe

driveway.

When he was gone, Christian closed the door and leaned against it, his heart rate

wobbly. He couldn’t believe it. A date. A real honest to God date with Kevin McGuire and no
onewasbeingheldatgunpoint.

***

KevinwashomebeforeRisaanddecidedtowaitinoneofthechairstheykeptontheir

poor excuse for a back patio. When ive minutes came and went without his sister’s arrival,
heshotinsidetogrababeertofortifyhimself.

SincehisconversationswithJackandChristian,he’dbeenthinkingnonstopaboutwhat

heshoulddo.Heworkedallafternooninthearmory,inventoryingandbasicallygoingblind

onbullets,soitwaseasytolethismindwander.

He hadn’t been celibate in the six years since Christian, but he hadn’t been bouncing

from bed to bed, either. There were two or three guys—looking after a sister and being
deployedcutintohissexlife—butasidefromthephysical,hedidn’tinvesthimself;hedidn’t
want to with so many competing obligations. Work and looking after a grieving girl took
precedence.Andhonestly,itwasaloteasiertoconsultafantasy ileandruboneoutthanit
wastocruiseforaguy.

It shouldn’t have surprised Kevin that long-dormant desires were slowly stretching to

lifeinsidehim.NotsincethenightwithChristianhadheopenedhismindtothepossibilityof
anhonest,lovingrelationship.Itwassome lukethatwhenhewasthinking about this stuff
again,itwasoverthesameguy.Maybelifehadawayofworkingthingsout…

Andmaybeithadawayofmakinghimafooltwice.
Kevinhadworkedoutatthegymonbaseafterwork,thensatinhiscarstaringblankly

attheparkinglotuntilhecametoafewconclusions.Hewantedtodosomethinghe’dnever
doneandactuallygooutonarealdatewithaguyheliked.

HewantedthatguytobeChristian.Itwasarisk,butKevindidseethechangesinhim.
AndRisaneededtohearthetruth.
AllthewaytoChristian’splace,hisresolvewassteady.Therewerenonerves,noteven

when Christian answered the door. The guy had so many sides and each one was more
confusingthanthenext—therelaxedsideofChristianunsettledKevin,buthavingtheother
mansayyestogoingoutwassomethingheactuallyderivedalotofpeacefrom.Waitingfor
Fridaywouldmakeitallaboutanticipation,too.Forbothofthem,hehoped.

TheonlythinglefttodowastellRisa.
Itcouldgowell.Itcouldgobadly.Therewasnowaytotell.Shewasn’ta ighterlikehe

was.Shewasathinkeranditwouldbemorelikehertoabsorbhisconfessionlikeasponge
andthenletitsmasharoundherinsidesbeforeshe’dgivehimacluewhatshethought.

Kevin was halfway through his beer when he heard the engine of Risa’s Volkswagen

comingupthedrive.Shespottedhimandgaveanuncertainsmile.Hedidn’tknowifitwas
becauseJackhaddeclaredhimselfandshethoughtthetwoofthemweregoingto ightina
cage match to settle the matter of her honor. The thought was enticing. He and Jack would
whipthehelloutofeachotherandgetabsolutelynowhere.

Kevin gave Risa a half-smile as she stepped out of the car, but it ended up in a

disappointedfrownwhenSelenaunexpectedlyexitedthepassengerside.Tonightwasn’tthe
nightforpullingpunches;hewasgoingtosendSelena’sasspacking.

Before he could slice through the lirtatious smile with a command for Selena to leave,

hissistergothisattentionwithadarklook.

“Selena’s going to cut and style my hair tonight. Isn’t that nice of her?” The way Risa

phrasedthequestionheknewhonestywasn’tthebestanswer.

SelenawasinbeautyschoolanditwastheonethingKevincouldsayactuallysuitedher.

Shewasgoodwithmakingsurfacethingsattractive.

KevinmanagedagruntinacknowledgmentandSelenawiggledherwayacrosstheyard

—shewaswearingasweatbandaroundherheadthatremindedhimofworkoutvideosfrom
theeighties.Whenshewascloseenoughsheactuallysnatchedhisbeeroutofhishandand
tookasiprightinfrontofhim.Kevinhadbeentoplaceswherethiswasakillingoffense.

HeturnedavividlycolorfullookonRisaandshecouldonlystarebackwithwideeyes.
Selenasomehowmissedthewaveshe’dcausedandheldthebeerouttohimwithalittle

smirk. “Workouts build up a thirst, don’t they?” she asked, eyeing his gym clothes up and

down.

Kevin used all his energy to swallow back his instinctual response, which was a dry

heave,thenglancedbackatRisa.

“I’llbeupstairs,”hegrowledandturnedtoheadintothehouse.
“Don’tyouwantyourbeer?”Selenacalledbreathlessly.
Idid,hethoughtangrily.“Keepit.”
HestompedupstairsandthoughtabouthowgreatitwouldbetobodilyremoveSelena

from the property—just roll her down the driveway. It was unlikely he would ever
understandwhyRisaspenttimewithher.MostdaysKevin iguredshejustfeltbadforthe
blatantdesperationshesawinherbestfriend.

Whateveritwas,ithadruinedhischancetotellRisathetruth.
“Thesecretlingerson,”hemuttered.

145

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWELVE

By the time Friday night rolled around, Christian could barely reason like a normal

human, he was so nervous. The entire day he’d been trying to carry on conversations with
people while his heart was trapped in the back of his throat. Adding to his internal
embarrassment, he’d done about sixty mental laps of his closet for what to wear and that
seemedlikewaytoomuchtimetodwellonwhatwouldcoverhisass.Nexthe’d indhimself
spraying cologne on the back of his knees like his mom and sister always did before they
wentout.

Datenight.Hewasgoingonadate.Damn.Hestillcouldn’tbelieveit.
Kevin had brushed off texts from Christian after Wednesday, saying that he was too

busy to pause his work every six seconds to type at a tiny keyboard. Christian would just
havetosuckitupuntilFridaynight.Thenhe’dsentasmileyface.

Asmileyface!FromKevinMcGuire!Itdidmorethancushiontheblow,itmadeChristian

feelgoofy,especiallywhenherewoundtothememoryoftheir irstconversationattherace
andcomparedthetwo.WhoknewthathisbigMarineknewhowtodoemoticons?

He kept his ingers away from his phone to prove that he was capable of giving the

othermanspace,andhetriedtoremainbusy,stayinglateatworkanddoingweirdstufflike
organizing and dusting his entire of ice. When Gina and Geoff had stopped in to discuss a
service contract that was up for renewal, they both froze in the doorway, shoulder to
shoulder, and gaped at all the sparkling clean surfaces. Perhaps wiping off each individual
leafofhispottedplantwasgoingtoofar.

Now time was running out and he was pacing his bathroom, stopping to stare into his

closetaftereachcircuit.Christianneededanawesomepairofjeanstonight.Tight,butnottoo
tight—he didn’t work for tips. Worn, but not too worn. He spun away again and made
anothercircuitofthebathroom.

“Okay,” he rubbed his hands together and shucked off his towel. “Time for the ass

busters.”

Christian ri led through the closet until his hands latched on to a pair of jeans known

amongst long-lost women friends as the Holy Grail of Denim. Throwing on a pair of black
boxerbriefs,hetuggedonthejeansandcheckedhimselfoutinthefull-lengthmirror.

Notbad,Blakely.Thisistheanswertothequestion:“Whyspinclass?”
The choice of shirt was equally important. The coffee date earlier in the week had

reinforced the fact that Kevin liked the tattoos; Christian had to wear something that made
the guy take notice. He went with a red V-neck that had been more expensive than any
cottont-shirtshouldbe.Itsaid,“ForgetabouthowIranawayfromyouyearsagoandfocus
onmypecsinstead.”

Hedidn’tmeantospendasmuchtimeashedidonhishair,itjusthappened,sowhen

hesteppedbacktotakea inallook—JamesDeancouldn’thavedoneitbetter—thedoorbell
wasringing.

Shit!
Christian zipped into the closet and grabbed a pair of sneakers. On his way past the

dresserhesnatcheduphiswalletandkeysandflewdownstairs,puttinghishandupagainst
thewoodashecalmedhimself.

Ontheothersideofthedoor,standingontheporch,wasChristian’sunicorn.Theonehe

let get away. Years of remembering and regretting what he’d given up, and tonight he had
theopportunitytochangeallofit.KevinMcGuirewaswaitingforhimtoopenthedoor.

Christian whispered a thank you into the air. This was meant to happen, he repeated to

himself.ProvetoKevinthatyou’reworththis.

HeopenedthedoorandthefeelingwasexactlywhatChristianalwaysknewitcouldbe.

Kevin was half-smiling, his usual reserve in place, but somehow Christian sensed he was
happy to be there. After the initial moment of blank pleasure, he stepped back and waved
forKevintocomeinside.

“I’vejustgottathrowonmyshoesandwecanheadout.”
Kevinnodded,watchingasChristiansatontheedgeofthecoffeetableandlaceduphis

shoes.Thescrutinymadehisbloodthrumandrisetohisface.God,whatanenticingmoment
—andtheyhadthewholenightaheadofthem.

Kevin looked incredible in jeans and a black button-up shirt with his sleeves rolled to

justbelowhiselbow.ThoseforearmswinkedandflirtedwithChristianinunimaginableways
asKevinshuffledhiskeysinhishands.

WhenChristianstoodandmadeeyecontact,Kevinsurprisedhimbysteppingincloser.

Theywereeyetoeye.

“Last chance to run, Blondie…” he murmured, the intensity in his green eyes shaming

Christianinawayhewassuretheothermandidn’tintend.

“Don’t call me that,” Christian joked lightly, taking another step even closer. “I’m not

runninganywhere.”

Kevin’s gaze licked over Christian’s face and he shook his head indulgently. “We shall

see.”HewashalfwaytothedoorbeforeChristianrealizedheshouldfollow, but then Kevin
stoppedonthethresholdandgaveoneofhisrarefullsmiles.

“Coming?”
Ijustdid.Hellllllll.
Christiandidn’tknowhowtherestofthenightwasgoingtogo,buthewaswishingwith

every iber of his being that he would live up to whatever Kevin wanted for them. He was
equallydeterminedtostayoutofhisownwayandrelax.

“One sec,” he inally answered and tugged his wallet from his back pocket. Christian

pulledouttheslipofnapkinandwatchedKevinashebroughtthewornpapertohismouth
andkissedit.Ashepocketedthewalletagain,hegrinnedsheepishly.“Okay.NowI’mready.”

Kevin’sansweringlookwasinscrutable,buthischeekswere lushed.Christiantookitas

anothergoodsign.

Sitting in the passenger seat of the Jeep was nice. He watched as Kevin adjusted

controls,changedgears,and iddledwiththemusicselection.Christianwantedtosoakitall
inandfindoutwhateverythinghesawtoldhimabouttheself-containedmanbesidehim.

The volume was low on the radio when they left and Kevin changed the music from a

heavy metal band that made Christian cringe, to a much nicer choice with a beat that had
himnoddingintime.HepeekedattheiPodwhenKevinwasn’tlookingandcouldonlymake
outthetitle,ShipsIntheNight.He’dhavetorememberitforlater.

They shared the usual conversation on the way to the bowling alley—work, traf ic,

favorite places to go in the area. Christian hadn’t been in San Diego long enough to
contributemuchonthelasttopic,buthewastakingmeticulousmentalnotesaboutKevin’s
hangouts. He wanted any information about the man that he could get, trying to form an
understanding of him six years after his irst addicting taste. Most of what he knew about

Kevinwaswoefullyoutofdate.

They pulled into a lot that was surprisingly crowded and lit by hundreds of twinkling

lights that lashedAll Bowlwith an equally bright ball and pins display beside it. The
building was old fashioned—circa 1960s—but it was incredibly well-cared for. Apparently
folksinthisneighborhoodwereseriousaboutkeepingbowlingalive.

Christiansmiledwide.Thiswasgoingtobeawesome.Hehadn’tbeenbowlinginyears.
“Whenwasthelasttimeyoubowled?”heaskedKevin,peelinghiseyes away from the

lights.

Kevin’s face scrunched in thought and he made a noncommittal noise. “High school?

Maybe?Senioryearorthesummerafter,Ithink.”

Ithadn’tbeenthatlongforChristian.Hissmilegrewslowlyandhetookachancetodo

whathe’dwantedtodoforawhileandgrabbedKevin’sarmforaquicksqueeze.

“I’m going to kick your ass,” Christian laughed and let go, pushing open his door. He

heardKevinclimbingoutthedriver’ssideandheheldbackagustyyellofanticipation.

Nomorearmgrabsuntilyoucalmdown.
They walked side-by-side to the entrance, arms brushing, until Kevin stopped with a

lurchandastayinghandthatgrazedChristian’sstomachbutcould’vejustaseasilybeenhis
groinforhowhisbodyresponded.

“I didn’t seethat anywhere on the website.” He pointed and Christian turned to see a

signbythedoorthatread,1950’sAllBowlThemeNight!!andinsmallerwritingbesideit,must
becostumedtobowl!

Theysimultaneouslyturnedtolookeachotherupanddown.
“That won’t work,” Christian said, eyeing Kevin’s black button up. “Do you have an

undershirton?”

Kevinnarrowedhiseyes.“Whydon’twejustgosomewhereelse?”
“Afraid?” Christian ribbed him. “Listen, if it bothers you so much knowing I’m going to

win—”

“That’showyouwanttodoit?Fine,”Kevinshotback,his ingers lyingtothebuttonson

his shirt. He yanked it off and smiled smugly as he walked back to the Jeep and tossed it
inside.He iddledaroundforanotherminute,diggingthroughthecenterconsole,thenafew
minutesmoredoingsomethingbehindtheopendoorthatChristiancouldn’tsee.

Kevin came back around the front of the Jeep and Christian smiled so hard his cheeks

hurt.Kevhadrolledthealreadytightsleevesofhiswhitet-shirtandstuffedsomethingthat
wasprobablymeanttolooklikeapackofcigarettesintooneofthesleeves.Thebottomofhis
pants were rolled in one big cuff over his converse shoes. He looked too good and Christian
becametheoddoneout.

A couple of giggling girls, probably still in high school, walked past in puffy skirts that

theypairedwithblackandwhiteshoes.Christianwatchedthemwithaperplexedfrown.He
waswearingPumasneakersandrollinghisshirtsleeveswouldn’tdoenoughtofitin.

Kevin sauntered up and immediately began rolling Christian’s sleeves for him, then he

took a wad of napkins and jammed them into the fold. Good—if they needed a smoke later,
theycouldlightuprecyclednapkins.Whatatreat!

KevinrolledtheothersleeveandChristian’smindabruptlystoppedfoolingaround.He

couldfeelallthegentlebrushesoftheotherman’s ingertipsagainsthimasmoreandmore
of his ink went on display. When Kevin was inished he stepped back and considered him,
and Christian warmed under his gaze. After a little more thought, Kev reached for his back
pocketwherehe’dstashedapairofblackRay-bans.

“Here. Wear these. Your shoes won’t work, but your hair makes up for it,” he said as

Christianslidonthesunglasses.“Tuckinyourshirt,too.”

“How’dyoulearnallthisshit?”Christianaskedashequicklyshovedtheredfabricinto

hispants.

“Ihavealittlesister.DoyouknowhowmanyHalloweensIhadtoescortheraround?I

gotgoodatthisstuff.AlmostasgoodasIamatbowling…”

Christiansnortedandliftedhisarmsashelookedhimselfover.“Ilookridiculous.”
“Alittlebit.”
“HowamIsupposedtoimpressyoulikethis?”
Kevinlaughed.“Maybeyou’vealreadylostthatbattle.”
Christian made a face and waved an arm toward the entrance. “Ready for me to show

youhowthisisdone,then?”

“Afteryou,Blondie.”

***

The proprietor, an ancient woman wearing a beehive wig and a nametag that read

“Dottie,” set them up with shoes and a lane. She looked them both over to check out their
costumesandpausedatChristian’sshoes.

“You’repushingit,kid,”sherasped,“butyourhair’sperfect.”
Christianbeamedather,thensurprisedherbyleaningoverthecounterandkissingher

onthecheekwithabigsmack.“Thanks,Dottie.”

“Oh-ho-ho,boy!”Shewaveda ingerinhisface.“Iknowyourtype.Probablyhaveatrail

oftearsleadingfromyourdoor!”

Kevin automatically stiffened and tried not to think about how she was likely right. He

didn’tknowexactlyhowChristianhadspentthelastfewyears,buttherewasenoughofan
idea that Dottie’s words cut him. Who else had he been with besides that Mark Newland
guy?ThrowinallthewomenChristianhadprobablybeenwith,too…Christ.Hewasjealous.

Christian noticed Kevin’s expression and his smile lost a little energy. They thanked

Dottie,grabbedtheirshoesandweavedthroughthecrowdofmostlyhighschoolandcollege
kids.ADJwassetupnearthesnackbarandhadBlueberryHillblastingoutatthecrowd.

KevintookaseatatthelaneDottieassignedtothemandstarteduntyinghisshoes.He

didn’t expect Christian to plunk down beside him and follow suit, but he did. Now, every
movementtheymadehadtheirarmsbrushingagainsteachother’s.Kevinnoticedhisdate’s
amusementandshookhishead.

“Tease”hemumbledunderhisbreath.
Christian must have heard because he let out a little snap of laughter as he tied his

laces.

They inished the irst set, with Kevin losing quite badly to a modest, but smiling,

Christian.Beforetheybeganthesecondset,Kevinonceagainbattledthecrowdaroundthe
DJ and bought a heart-burn inspiring dinner of onion rings, hotdogs, and beer. Risa would
gagifsheknew.

He balanced everything on a tray and was about to set it down when he saw that the

laneneighboringtheirswasfullofnewarrivals.Christiannoticedhimandadvanced,rolling
hiseyes.

“Theseguysareloudandmostlydrunk,”hemumbled,glancingbackoverhisshoulder.

“Prepareyourself.”

Kevin looked them over again and felt his stomach drop to his knees. Marines—the

wholelotofthem—alljuniorenlistedandallofthemrowdy.Heknewabouthalfofthemby
name.

“Fuck,”hescowled.
Christian’seyebrowsshotupasheturnedbackaround.“Whatisit?”
Kevinshookhisheadandpushedthetraytowardhisdate.Thiswasexactlythekindof

thing he desperately wanted to avoid. His guard slammed up and into place because all it
took was one of those fuckers deciding he should care about Kevin’s personal business for
dumbshittogetspreadaround.

He was heating up like he always did when he was angry and when Christian lightly

tapped the back of his hand, he linched. Seeing his response, Christian raised his hands
innocently,aflashofhurtinhiseyes.

“Sorry—”
Kevin cut him off. “No, no. I was distracted. I didn’t mean to do that.” His eyes licked

back to the group of Marines for an instant. Christian didn’t say anything and he clearly
didn’tbelievethatsnatchinganarmawaywasanaccident.

“They’reallMarines,”KevinadmittedasChristianbitintoanonionring.
Understandingdawned,butthefrownwasnowmoreprominent.“Youdon’twanttobe

seenwithme.”

Kevin sputtered, trying to frame a response as Christian rubbed a napkin between his

hands,waddingitintoarollofpaper.

Wasthattrue?Whatwasheworriedaboutmosthere?Wasitfearthathemightweaken

hispositionofauthority?Theanswerdriftedinsidehimsomewhere,butitwasn’tthetimeto
chaseitdown.

“IguessIdeservethat,”Blondiesaidhonestly.
Kevin cursed and latched onto Christian’s forearm, tugging him close enough that he

couldspeakintohisear.“Thisisnotabout you,Christian.Ihavenoproblembeingseenwith
you.” I think.“This is private, though. Those dipshits over there don’t need to know our
business.”

Christian’shazelgazewasaheartbreakingcombinationofpainandhope.Heopenedhis

mouthtosaysomething,butwhateveritwaswentunsaidasKevin’srankwascalledout.

“Goddammit,” he sighed and turned the full weight of his glare on two Marines who’d

decidedtobreaktheiceandsayhello.Kevinsneeredatthemandintheircurrentstate,they
didn’tnotice.

Fuckingwonderful.
“Hey, Gunnery Sergeant,” one of them laughed; he had a southern accent. “We didn’t

knowyouwereintobowling.”

KevinsensedChristianwatchinghiseverymove,slowlyraisinghisbeertohismouthas

helookedon.

“Wecould illbookswithwhatyoudon’tknowaboutme.Gobacktoyourbuddies.”He

lickedhischinatthegrouptryingonshoesandgrabbingbowlingballs,hopingthey’dtake

hiswordsasapossiblejokeandleavehimalone.

The one who spoke irst—Kevin didn’t remember his name—cracked up. This was

stupidityinactionandhehadnopatienceforitscrewingwithhisnight.ThesecondMarine
wasmorehesitantatleast.

“We’renotatwork,Guns;youdon’tgottabesuchahardass!”

Marine number two paled at his friend’s words and he didn’t even try to hide that he

wasabouttopisshispants.Kevinadvancedandwithhisconsiderableheightadvantage,the
kidhadtoskipbackafoottoseehimwithoutcraninghisneck.

“You got a couple of bars on your shoulders I don’t know about?—Something big

must’vehappenedtomakeyouthinkyoucouldcallme‘Guns.’”

It was almost comical to witness the shift in the kid’s features as he realized what he’d

done.“Sorry—!”

“Yeah,youaresorry,”Kevinnodded.“Gobacktoyourlane,Marine,andstaythere.”
Marine number two grabbed his buddy and dragged him backward with another

mumbledapologyandKevinturnedtofindChristianstaringinconfusion.

“Whatdidhecallyou?”heaskedloudenoughtobeheardoverthemusic.
Kevinmadeanoisethatwasclosetoasnarl.“Guns.”
“That’sbad?”
“Forthatassholeitis.I’mGunnerySergeanttohim.NotGuns.”Heletoutasharpbreath

inirritationandmovedtotouchChristian’sshoulderbutdroppedhishandtothetabletop
instead.“Let’sjustbowl.I’msorry;thiswasmyfault.”

Christianthoughtthingsoverasheateanotheronionring,butthenhewipedhishands

onanapkinandwalkedtowardtheballreturn.

“Getreadytoloseagain,GunnerySergeant,”heyelledoverhisshoulder.

165

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

“See,IthinkI’vegotyou iguredout.”ChristiansatdownoneseatawayfromKevinand

stretched his arms along the chair backs, ignoring the folks in the next lane who were
shoutingateachotheraboutwhowouldbeinchargeofthescoringkeyboard.“You’rewhatI
callapowerbowler.”

“Apowerbowler?”KevinsmirkedinthewaythatmadeChristianwanttograbhischin

andrunhisthumbacrosstheman’sbottomlip.

“Yeah, you’re clearly strong enough to hurl me down the lane, so you use about the

sameamountofforceontheball.”Christiannoddedtowardtheirlaneandtriednottosmile.
“Thenyouhopethatthevelocitywilltakecareofcompleteinaccuracyofaimandatotallack
oftechnique.It’slikethosepeoplewhoswearthathomerunhitsinbaseballareonlyaresult
ofbatspeed.”

Kevin nodded as though he was really mulling that over. “What do you suggest I do to

remedy this inaccuracy, lack of technique, and overwhelming use of impressive physical
power?”

Christian tightened his lips to hold in his laughter and shrugged. “I could give you

private lessons and force you into inappropriate positions. You know, like teaching you how
toholdandwhentoletgo…”

“Ithinkyou’realreadyawareIknowhowtodothat.”Kevin’seyeswerepureheatand

challenge.

“Thenwecanusethelessonasachanceforyoutoremindme.”
Kevin half-laughed, half-sighed and stood up to take his turn. As he walked past,

Christian leaned forward and let his hand graze across the thick muscle just above Kev’s
knee. He was discreet and the near-smile that he received in response was sexier than it
should’ve been. Christian looked away so he didn’t do something totally embarrassing in
frontofeveryonenextdoor,butwhenhemetthestareofthekidthatKevinyelledatearlier,
heknewhe’dalreadyblownit.

Theguywasholdingabeerandglaringlikehewould’vegivenanythingtohaveanother

go at his Gunnery Sergeant. Christian had no idea why because Kevin wasn’t just
intimidating,hewasscarywhenhewantedtobe.Theairofcoldcontrolandfocusthathad
comeoverhimwhenhe’dsentthetwoMarinesbacktotheirfriendswasunsettlingtowatch.
If this kid provoked him again it would get really ugly, and Christian was pretty sure that
there was just enough booze in the guy’s system to make him forget who he was talking to.
Again.

Hecheckedthescoreboard.Theyhadthreemoreturnsapiece.MakethattwoforKevin

whohurledhisbowlingballdownthelanesoquicklyonhissecondturnthatitdidawicked
spinrightintothegutter.Whenheturnedhemouthed“shit”atChristian.Hisscorewasnow
seventy-two.

Their hands touched as they passed in the small space and Kevin somehow caught

Christian’sandsqueezeditbeforedroppingitcasually.

Standinginfrontofthelaneandforcinghislungstobreatheevenly,Christianfollowed

throughandcameupwithanotherstrike.Hespunaroundandwithoutthinking,pointedat
Kevinsayingsmoothly,“Thatwasforyou,baby,”thenheranhishandsoverhishairlikehe

washoldingafakecomb.

Kevinrolledhiseyesandsnorted.Overhisshoulderthetroublemakerleanedoverand

whisperedsomethinginhisbuddy’sear,pointingatthem.

Christian’s humor evaporated and he stepped in Kevin’s way to warn him. “I think

we’veexcitedsomeinterestandifyouwanttokeepthisdown,weshouldgetoutofhere.”

Kevin was startled, but then he noticed the way Christian’s eyes licked toward the

MarineswhoweremuchmoreinterestedintheGunnerySergeantandhischoiceofbowling
companionsthantheirowngame.Kevinslowlynodded,histhoughtshidden.

Christian popped on his sunglasses and sat down to change his shoes. He inished

before Kev and drank the last of his beer while watching the DJ get lechy with a couple of
girlsinterestedinhis“music.”Hewassurprisedoutofhisthoughtsbyahandatthesmallof
hisbackthatwasthereandgoneagainbeforehecouldenjoyit.

“Ready?”Kevinmurmured.
Christiannoddedandledthemtothedesksotheycouldreturntheirshoes.Dottiewas

busy with newcomers and waved her thanks, her wig now leaning slightly to the left. She
needed about three more people helping her out with this kind of crowd, but she was still
fightingthemonherown.

WomenrightandleftwerestaringathimandKevinastheypushedthroughthecrowd,

and while Christian winked and smiled, Kevin followed with a forbidding expression,
acknowledging no one. Out in the night air they simultaneously drew a deep breath and
Christianhidhisfacesohisgrumpydatewouldn’tseehisamusement.

“Sorry,” Kevin said softly, sounding almost guilty. “That probably didn’t live up to your

bowlingexpectations…orevenyourgeneralexpectationsfortonight.”

Christian tugged his shirt out of his pants and hopped along a couple steps as he

unrolledthecuffsinhisjeans.“Youunderestimatehowniceitwastobeatyou.”

Kevinshrugged.“Well,don’tletitgotoyourhead.”Heunrolledthesleevesofhist-shirt

and untucked it as he answered and Christian caught a glimpse of skin at the small of his
back.TheimmediatementalimageofnibblinghiswaydownKevin’sspineandbitingatthe
skintherenearlymadehimwalkintothetailgateofapickuptruck.

“Are you even a little aware of how good looking you are?” Christian blurted, taking in

thestrengthandcutofKevin’sfeatures.“Thewomenatthecounterwould’vefollowedyou
outsidelikeyouwerethePiedPiper.”

The tinge of red under Kevin’s skin was barely noticeable, but it was there. So was a

sudden look of irritation. “I don’t notice shit like that when I’m too distracted bymy date
winkingandsmilingatwomenliketheirnextstopishisbed.”

Christian’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped into a comical “o.” The snicker that

followed escaped on accident, but before Kevin could get pissed and abandon him in the
parking lot, Christian darted forward and wrapped his arms around the Marine’s waist. He
squeezed once as Kevin instinctively balanced himself, then Christian backed away fast, his
eyesstillglitteringwithhumor.“Youlikeme,”Christianmurmured.

Kevinwasunsteadyonhisfeetandbythetimehecouldreact,Christianwasnolonger

holding on to him and had already reached the Jeep. Seeing the man off his game was so…
encouraging.Itwassucharareoccurrenceanditgavethebig,toughguyaninnocentappeal.

The locks clicked and Christian was in his seat and watching as Kevin climbed in. The

hug was obviously a bad idea. Kevin was shooting sidelong glances his way, but his eyes
neverquiteliftedtoChristian’s,hissmileabsent.

“Youdolikeme,”Christianrepeated,hisownhappinessbleedingoutofhimwhenKevin

gavehimthefullbenefitofhiscoldstare.“Ijustwishitdidn’tbotheryousomuch.”

Kevindroppedhisheadandsighedashestartedtheengine.“I-it’snotthat—”
“Yes,itis,”Christianinterrupted.“Iunderstandwhy.”
The music whispering in the background changed to something mournful right on cue,

illing the interior of the Jeep with an invisible weight. Kevin shifted into gear and stared

straightahead.“CanItakeyousomewhere?—it’snotfancyoranything.”

“You’renottakingmehome?”Christianasked,hopeful.
That got Kevin’s attention. His green eyes were black in the darkness, with pinprick

brightreflectionsfromthedashboardlights.“No,I’mnot.Unlessthat’swhatyouwant.”

Christian shook his head and with no other words exchanged, they left the lot. There

were so many turns left and right and none of the landmarks were familiar, so he stopped
tryingtofigureoutwheretheywereheaded.Kevinrolledthewindowsdownandturnedthe
radioup,andthewindonChristian’sfacewasacoldcomforttohisanxiety.

WhydidhekeepassumingthatheandKevinwereonthesamepagejustbecausethis

wasadate?Honestly,hedidn’tknow whythedatewasevenhappening,orifthemansitting
next to him was attracted to him anymore. He didn’t know what Kevin wanted. It could be
sex. It could be to mess with Christian’s mind out of revenge. All he knew for sure at the
momentwasthattheywerenothavingagreattime.

The song blaring from the speakers suddenly muted and the phone rang through the

speakers.Kevin’seyesflickedtothedashscreenwhere“LittleRis”wasflashing.

“Mysister,”heexplained.“ShewentouttonightandIalwaysanswerwhenshe—”
“Goforit.I’llkeepquiet.”
AnoddlookpassedoverKevin’sface,butitwassoquickthatChristianwasonceagain

lefttoquestionwhathe’dsaidthatbotheredtheotherman.

Risa’s voice was too loud as she answered her brother’s hello and Kevin quickly dialed

thevolumedown.

“Hey,whereareyou?”sheasked,soundingnervous.“I-IcalledJacktoseeifhe’dheard

fromyoubecauseyoumissedtwoofmycalls.”

Kevingrabbedhisphoneoutofacupholderlikethiswasnewstohim,agrimcasttohis

features.“I’montheroad.NotfarfromOceanBeachPier.”

Really?Christian thought excitedly. He poked his head out the window to get a better

lookaround.Hedidn’tseeapieranywhereandthatthingwassupposedtobelong.Like my
johnson.Hesmiled.Thatjokenevergotold.

“I’ve kind of got a problem,” Risa said quickly and Christian’s attention shifted back to

thephonecall.“Selenaisamess—shehasn’tstoppeddrinkingsincewegothere.”

“Whereis‘here’?”Kevinasked.
Uh-oh…AfterSchoolSpecialAlert.Underagedrinkingathand.
“Some guy’s house in Oceanside. It’s the same guy that she’s been seeing for a few

weeks.Itriedtogethertoslowdown,butshe’sdoingherownthing.”

“Didyoudrive?”
“Idid—no,Ihaven’tbeendrinking—andIdon’twanttoleaveherherealone.Ilosttrack

of her for a few minutes when I stepped outside to answer a call and when I inally found
her again she was with three guys in the kitchen. They just keep illing her glass and she
keepsthrowingthedrinksback.”

“Areyouinthekitchenwithherrightnow?”WitheverywordthatKevinspokehisvoice

hardenedfurtheruntilChristianwasstaringuneasilyfromthepassengerseat.

“No,it’stooloud.Ihadtocomebackoutside.Jackkeepscallingbecausehecouldn’tgeta

hold of you, either, and I thought I’d try one more time. I’m afraid Selena’s going to go off
withtheseidiotsandsomethingbadwillhappenthatIcan’tstop.Shewon’tlistenwhenItell
herit’stimetoleave.”

Kevin and Christian exchanged a look and when Christian nodded, Kevin asked his

sisterfortheaddressandtoldhertogobackinsidetogeteyesonherfriend.Theystopped
to enter the address into the nav system and found they were only three miles away.
Christian looked at the map on the screen and saw that the route led to what had to be a
beachhousebasedonitslocation.

“Who’sSelena?”hebrokethesilence,seeingKevin’shandsclenchonthesteeringwheel.
“Theangelofdeath.”
Hmm. He bit down on his lips. I’ll just keep my questions to myself, he decided. Big

brother’sontheprowl.

Itwasn’teasy indingaplacetopark;theoffensivelylargebeachhousewassurrounded

by cars and the usual detritus of a house party. It brought to mind a couple he’d been to
yearsagoandwantedtoforget.He’dhadalotofoldfashionedguy/girlsexatthoseshindigs
andthememoriesmadehimwince.

Kevineventuallyparkedonthestreetnearlyhalfablockawayandtheybeatfeettothe

house,sidebyside.Thesecondtheysteppedfootonthepropertyitwasclearthattheywere
the oldest people there, with Kevin probably besting most of those present by at least ten
years.

ChristianchancedanotherlookathisMarineandhefeltsorryforanyonewhothought

it would be smart to get in the guy’s way. He didn’t come across mean so much as he did
lethal,andChristianfoundhimselfgrowingmorewary.

“Youwanttosplitup?”Christianasked.
Kevin paused on the porch steps and gave the yard a once over. No one was paying

attention to them since most of those outside were dry humping. There was also a guy
peeinginthebushes,hisheadlollingback,andagirlcryingabouthowshecouldn’t indthe
shoeshewasactuallycarryinginherhand.

“I’ll go around back and you can go through the house,” Kevin answered sharply, but

notmeanly.“Yourememberwhatmysisterlookslike?”

Christian nodded and opened the screen door as Kevin headed off around the side of

thehouse.Theplacewastrashed.Drinkshadspilledontothehardwood loors,plantswere
knockedover.Thetelevisioninthefrontroomhadwhatlookedlikemustardsmearedacross
it.Collegekidswereeverywhereandthemusicwaspounding.AsChristiansqueezedpasta
girl dancing by herself with eyes closed and her red plastic cup raised in tribute, he nearly
stumbled into another pair of girls making out. Naturally, a handful of guys were watching
thedisplaywithcameraphonesout.

Yikes.
Christian couldn’t tell if he was on the right path to the kitchen, but he kept his eyes

openforaheadoflongblackhairandasetofgreeneyes.Roundingthecorner,hefoundthe
diningroomwhereanemptykegwasabandonedonitsside.Afewstepsfartherandhewas
surroundedbystainlesssteelandgranite.Asheenteredtheroomhewasknockedbackward
bytheverypersonhewaslookingfor.

“Risa!”heshoutedoverthenoise,startled,latchingontohershoulders.
Risa hopped back in surprise and then recognition lit her face. “Christian, right? What

areyoudoinghere?”

“I was with Kevin when you called,” he explained and they both looked toward the

ceilingwhenanechoofcheersreachedthemoverthemusic.

“Ican’t indher,”Risasaid,clutchinghisarm.“Shewasn’therewhenIcamebackinthe

house.”

“Kevinwentaroundback.Didyoutryupstairs?”Theywerebacktoyellingagainasthe

hanging rack for pots and pans began shimmying and shaking like aZumba class was going
onabovethem.

“Come on,” he said, holding out his hand and pulling her toward a hallway he hoped

wouldleadtothestairs.

“WhataboutKevin?”
“He’ll indus!”Christianshoutedtoher,knowingthatKevinwasprobablyrunningover

peoplelikeafreighttrainashelookedforhissister.“Weneedtogetyourfriendfirst.”

Thestaircasewaswideandtheyhadtoweaveinbetweengroupsofpeoplestackedup

along the steps. Risa was squeezing his hand tightly, sticking close to his back. How odd. He
washoldinghandswithhisdate’slittlesister.

At the top of the stairs Christian spotted an open door at the end of the hall with guys

crammed into the opening. The hooting and hollering was really loud here. Christian
elbowed his way through, keeping a tight grip on Risa. A few guys wanted to object before
theygotaneyefulofChristian,buthejustcontinuedforwardwithoutgivingthemtheoption
tofollowthrough.Hewasakittenatheartanyhow.

HeandRisapushedintothebedroomandRisasqueakedinhorror.“Selena!”
A different song was pounding in the room and standing on the bed, topless, wearing

onlyaslinkypairofblackunderwear,wasSelena.Shewasworkingitagainstoneofthebed
posts, grinding and humping, while guys and a few girls were squeezed into every open
spacecheeringheron.

Christian wished he were somewhere else with such conviction that he was sure if he

blinkedhe’dfindhe’dteleportedhimselftohislivingroom.

Hetriedit.
Noluck.
Risawasfrozeninplacewithherhandoverhermouthandtearsbeginninginhereyes.

Kevinwasgoingtobefurious.

Christian dropped her hand and actually had to get rough to push through the crowd

closer to the bed. He was a full head taller than the tallest guy there so Selena’s glazed
expressionfellonhimnaturally.Sheturnedanddidahorriblyembarrassingbootyshakeat
himandhealmostcoveredhiseyes.

What would her parents think!? The instant the thought came to Christian’s mind he

realizedhowbadlyhefitinwiththiscrowd.

“I really think you should get down off of the bed!” he yelled. She waved her inger all

no,no,noathimandherolledhiseyes.“You’regoingtohateyourselfinthemorning!Come
on—getoffthebed!Risa’shere.”

Selena didn’t care. She lipped her hair back and did something to her exposed chest

that made Christian want to throw himself out the window. He didn’t know that he’d ever
beenthisembarrassedforsomeoneelse.

Selenaslappedherasscheekandthecrowdroared.
Nope.Neverthisembarrassed.
He was about to grab her wrist and yank her off the bed when a voice bellowed from

outinthehallway.“Getthefuckouttamyway,assholes!”

Herecomesthecavalry!Christianbreathedeasier.

TheguysnearthedoorseemedtoslinkbackwardsfromtheroomasKevinthrustpast

them. The sight of his livid face and tensed body immediately shifted Christian’s
embarrassment to the neighborhood of arousal—maybe a couple of blocks down fromahh-
yeah-baby.Itwaslikeatankhaddrivenintotheroomandwaszeroinginonthebestplaceto

ire.Risafoughtherwaytoherbrother’ssideandtheonlyacknowledgmenthegavewasto

scootherprotectivelybehindhisbody.

Christian made another attempt to grab Selena’s wrist and drag her down, but for a

wastedgirlshewassurprisinglyelusive,theslipperylittlesnake.

“Iwanteverybodyoutofthisroom,now!”
There was no way to describe the effect of Kevin’s voice when in Gunnery Sergeant

mode. It was deep, laced with authority, and loud. It made the stereo system seem like a
children’s choir. Christian was compelled to get the hell out of there himself and he wasn’t
eventheoneintrouble.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed Selena had inally stopped dancing. She was

coveringherboobs.ThankGod.

Theroomwasclearing,butnotfastenoughforKevinsowhenheroaredagain,hisorder

served as a starting pistol. A few guys near the window and closet refused to budge and
Christianknewtheyweregoingtobeaproblem.Ofcourse.

When there was room for Risa to come forward, Christian signaled to her. She didn’t

haveajacketoranyextraclothesandsofarashecouldsee,Selena’soutfitwaslonggone.

“Fuckin-A,” he grumbled and yanked his shirt off over his head, balling it into Risa’s

hand. She gaped at the tattoos covering every available inch of skin and he linched, hating
the sensation that she was reading his story in the artwork. “See if you can get her to put
thaton,”hesnappedandturnedtohelpKevinwiththestrays.

Kevin’sgazelightedonChristian,thenmovedon.TheMarinewasthereinfullforce.The

partierstooknoticeofChristian’stattsandhehopedtheyalsoassumedhehadhispalsfrom
prisononspeeddial.

“You ain’t no cop. You can’t break up the party,” a stocky little shit yipped up at them.

“Shewantedtodance.Whothefuck’reyou?”

“Ifyoudon’tleavethisroominthenext iveseconds,”Kevinbitoffthewords,“Iswear

youwillfindout.”

A ripple of“ooohs” went through the crew of guys. It was reminiscent of high school

cafeteriastheworldover.

“Getyourripeassoutofmyhouse,oldtimer.It’susagainstyouandwe’llfuckyouup.”
“Oooooh,” Christian mocked back, stepping in front of Kevin and into the guy’s space.

“Letmegiveyoufairwarning,kid.Tryandfuckusupandwe’llmakesureyou’repissingina
bag for the rest of your life.” This was an empty threat for Christian because he was a
diplomatickindofguy,evenifheknewhowtoprotecthimself.Hewasn’tJetLi,though,and
againstthismanydickheads,he’dhavetoresorttowildkicksandwindmillingarmstomake
itoutwithoutmarringhisprettyface.

ThekidsnortedatChristianandsmackedtheguynexttohimasiftosay,Youbelievethis

punk?

The punch came from the left and Christian barely dodged it. It was a slow motion

momentwhenhecould’veswornafterwardthathesawthehaironthekid’sknuckles lying
past his temple. He’d been in a fair amount of tussles in his day and his weapon of choice
was an elbow, so he let that shit ly at the ringleader’s jaw, forcing the kid’s head to snap
backashismouthshutwithasatisfyingclick.Theguywhoactuallythrewthepunchtriedto

sneak in an uppercut to Christian’s kidneys and he blocked it, grabbing the kid by the hair
andslamminghisnoseintohisknee.Great—bloodonhisbestjeans.

Itwasabouttoturnintoanall-outmeleethatChristiancouldn’twin,whentherewasa

loudchokingsoundintheroomandeveryonewentstill.Kevinhadtheholdofaguybythe
throatandhadslammedhimupagainstthewall,hisfeetdanglinginchesabovethecarpet.

“Lay one hand on him,” Kevin snarled, “and I will fucking end your buddy’s sad little

life.”

IttookChristian ivesecondstorealizethathewasthehimKevinwasreferringto.Well,

boy-howdy! He eased out of the middle of the group of guys, two of whom were bleeding
quite satisfactorily, until he was beside Risa again. She had managed to get Selena into the
shirt and they were now huddled together at the end of the bed, one warily alert and the
otherwitheyeslockedonthe loor.ChristianputhimselfinfrontofthemlikeheknewKev
wouldwant.Hishandswereshakingfromadrenaline.

“Now,” Kevin continued, seeing that all eyes were on him and his suffocating prey.

“Whereareherclothes?”

They mutely shook their heads and Kevin tightened his grip. The guy he was holding

againstthewallscrabbledatKevin’shand,hisfeetkicking.

“Thebathroom,”somebodysaidsharply.
Risa,stillholdingontoSelena,stumbledtothemasterbathroomandcameoutamoment

laterbundlingherfriend’sthingsagainstherchest.

“Filthyassholes,”Kevinglaredatthem.
He let go of the guy he was holding and the kid slid to the loor and stayed there.

Nobodymovedtoretaliate.

“Risa.Selena.Go.”
Thegirlspracticallyscamperedfromtheroom.
“Christian.”
Kevin’s voice had the same overpowering effect on him and he found his feet moving

withouttellingthemto.RisaandSelenawaitedinthehallandhetuckedthembothoneither
sideofhim.Kevinfollowedthemallthewaydownthestairsbuthekepthisattentiononthe
roomincaseanyonetriedtocomeoutanddosomethingwhiletheirbackswereturned.

Once they were in the yard, Selena returned to Earth from the planet of Fucked Up

Chicksandstartedcryinghoarsely.RisatookoverthejobofcomfortingandChristianeased
awaygladly.Kevin’sangerhadnotdissipatedandhelookedonthecryinggirlwithapitiless
expression.

“Risa, you two go get in the Jeep. Christian will follow in your car.” He turned and met

Christian’seyes.“Thatalright?”

“Sure.”Didn’tlooklikehehadanyotherchoice.
Risa dug around for her keys and handed them over, pointing out her car down the

streetwhereshe’dparked.TheyseparatedandChristianwaitedbehindthewheelforKevin
toturntheJeeparoundsohecouldfollowthem.

A glittering charm hung from the rear view mirror, mocking him. Love With All Your

Heart.

ShirtlessandcrammedbehindthewheelofababyblueVolkswagenBeetlewasnothow

hepicturedhisnightending.

183

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

Maybe the right thing to do would be to drum up some sympathy for the girl

whimperingonhislivingroomsofa,butKevindidn’tgiveapissabouttherightthing.Onthe
way home Selena had admitted that nothing else had happened besides her choosing to
climb up on the bed to put on a show, so with that concern out of the way, he felt free to
continue being furious with her. He could coddle her and make sure she drank plenty of
water as he whispered everything would be okay, but she wasn’t Risa, for one, and that
wasn’thowhedidbusiness.

Jackcalledwhiletheywereontheroad—Kevinhadmissedhispreviousthreecallsand

couldonlyguessthatthemusicinthebowlingalleywastoblame.Onceheassuredhisfriend
that Risa and Selena were okay, he hung up. It made him feel like hell that he hadn’t been
around to help sooner. The only difference this time was that she’d called Jack as well, and
hisfriendcouldn’tdoanythingfromColorado.

Kevin wished he knew what was going on with the two of them. Were they together,

now?Whyweren’ttheykeepinghimintheloop?Risawasstillactingnormally,somaybeJack
hadn’tspilledhisgutsyet.

Atthehouse,RisahelpedSelenatothebathroomandcleanedherupabit.Shewasnow

inborrowedpajamas,wrappedinablanketonthecouch,withlinesofeyemakeuptracking
down her face. Next to her, Risa gently ran a hand over her hair and said nice things that
Selenawasprobablysoakinguplikesunshine.Theybothlookedrough.

Christianwasstandingunobtrusivelyofftotheside,hisarmscrossedoverhisstillbare

and distracting chest. Kevin wished very much that he could let his eyes devour the ink
covering the man and igure out what it all meant, but it wasn’t the time. Riding the wave
beneathhisirritationwasawholelotofdisappointment.

This sucked. If it was a sign that the two of them were never going to click, Kevin was

goingtogiveuponromancealtogether.Therewasalwaysgoingtobesomethingintheway
—like his Marines showing up or Risa calling in a rescue mission. Alone might be the best
wayforhim…

TheresultantpainfromthisthoughtwassharpandforasecondKevinwonderedifhe

shouldn’t sit down and take a breather. How was it possible that a week ago he wanted
nothingtodowiththemanlurkinginhiskitchenandnowhewasscaredthattheywouldn’t
getanotherchancetobetogether.Hemustbesick.

Kevin’seyessnappedbacktoSelenawhenshesnif ledandhegrabbedaboxoftissues

to slap them roughly onto the coffee table in front of her. She looked up, startled, and he
glaredback.

“I’monlygoingtosaythisonce,Selena.Areyoulistening?”
Shegrabbedawadoftissuesandnoddedshakily,probably iguringthathewasabout

toturnthelivingroomintoasitcomandtellhertobuckup.Fatchance.

“RisaismylittlesisterandI’vewatchedthewayshetakescareofyou.You everputher

inapositionlikethisagain—”

“Kevin!”Risainterrupted,appalled.“Don’ttalkto—”
“Risa,” he warned, and her mouth snapped shut. “I don’t care if this makes me sound

likethebiggestassholeyou’veevermet.Thingscould’vebeenalotworseandmebeingable

toholleratyouformakingitoutunscathedisaluxury.It’slikeChristianandIwalkedintoan
episodeoffucking90210!Sheputyoubothinthisposition—andyou’renottwenty-one,Ris.
Ifyou’regoingtodrink,I’dbetterbearound—Idon’tcareifyourfriend’slegalandyouwere
thedesignateddriver,either.Youshouldn’thavetospendyournightchasingaftersomeone
whodoesn’tappreciateitandistooconcernedaboutwhatabunchofstrangersthinktocare
aboutherownsafety.

“Selena” he rounded on her. “Don’t ever do something like this to Risa again. She

deserves better from you. Do yourself a favor and stop wasting your self-respect before
somethingworsehappensthandancingtoplessinfrontofabunchofdudeswhodon’tgivea
shitaboutyou.”

Kevinpausedtogetcontrolofhimselfbecausehewasalittletootemptedtograbherby

the shoulders and shake her. At his words she crumbled and started crying really hard.
Again.Hegrittedhisteeth.“Doyouneedsomewater?”heaskedgrudginglywhenhenoticed
Risa’sexpectantglare.Selenanodded.

He couldn’t care less if everyone thought he was being too harsh. If he didn’t put his

foot down, then Selena would be dragging Risa to another party some other weekend and
causingmoretrouble.And—thisgirlhadputthecherryontopofaruined irstdate.Maybe
heshouldshakeherforafewseconds.

Christianmust’vegrabbedaglassfromthedishdrainbecausehewasholdingafreshly

pouredwaterouttoKevin,ahesitantexpressiononhisface.Kevintooktheglassandskirted
the edge of the coffee table to place it in Selena’s hand. Instead of taking it, she shot to her
feet and threw her arms around him, sobbing for all she was worth, and spilling the water
overhisforearm.ThelookhethrewatChristianwasoneofexhaustionandBlondiethought
that was pretty fucking funny. He backed into the kitchen with a hand over his mouth. Risa
washoveringconcernedlyandactinglikeshemightjoinintheboo-hoofest.

Pleasedon’t.Hecouldn’thandlemoretears.
Kevin reluctantly patted Selena’s hair and her back with a rough hand, feeling like he

was being embraced by a barnacle.Pat. Pat. Pat.She was latched on so tightly that he was
experiencingeveryquiveringbreathshetook.

“I’msosorry,”shecried,andhisnosewrinkledashecaughtasourwhiffofalcohol.“It

wasallmyfault.”

He patted her again. “Yeah, it was—” Pat.Risa shook her head at him, scowling and he

changedtack.“Godrinkacoupleglassesofwaterandsleepthisoff.”Thatwasthebestthey
weregoingtogetoutofhim.

Selena nodded against his chest and when Risa gently pulled her toward the stairs,

Kevinwassurprisedshedidn’tmakeapoppingsoundassheloosenedsuctiononhischest.

Women.
Christianwasbackinthedoorway,thistimeholdingoutadishtowel.Don’tstareathis

body,Kevinrepeatedtohimself.

“So,”hesaidsoftlyashedriedoffhisarm.“Worstfirstdateever,or…?”
Christianliftedoneeyebrowandcockedhishead.“Nah.Weirdest irstdateever,maybe.

KeepinmindthatI’vedatedsomewomen—afewofthemweretheangrytype.”

Kevinnoddedabsently,notreallylettingthatanswersinkin,andtossedthetowelover

Christian’sshouldertolandonthecounter.

“I’vegotmorebadnews,”hesaid,steppingbackwardtowardthestaircase.
“Hmm?”
“I think Selena puked on your t-shirt.” Christian cringed and the boyish expression

actuallybroughtasmiletoKevin’sface.“I’msorry.”

“Justtrashit.”Heshuddered.“Icouldn’twearitagain.I’masympathypuker.”
Kevinfoundhimselfstaringashiseyesveryslowlywanderedsouthoverthoseintricate

tattoos.WhenChristian’sbodystiffenedandhemovedhisarmssotheycoveredmoreofhis
chestandstomach,Kevinsnappedoutofit.

“IfyoucomewithmeI’llgetyouanothershirt,”hechoked.
Christian pushed away from the wall and dropped his arms as Kevin turned so he

wouldn’tmaketheothermananymoreuncomfortable.HeledthewaypastRisa’sbedroom
—her door was opened a crack and the light was still on. One of the girls was in the
bathroomacrossthehall,too.

He lipped the light in his own room and wished he’d cleaned it up. Kevin hadn’t

countedonChristianvisitinghisbedroomwhenheleftfortheirdate,soallwasinitsnatural
state,whichmeantthebedwasmade,butcarmagazineslitteredhisnightstand,bookswere
crammedontohisshelvesandhisuniformwasinawadattheendofhisbed.Itwasn’tneat
likeChristian’splacewas,butitwaswarmatleast.

Kevin’seyesrestedonthepictureofthefamilyatYellowstone,takenwhenKevinwasa

lotyounger.Risawasverylittleandhergrinwasmissingsometeeth.

Ri ling through his drawers he found a black t-shirt from some Marine Corps

Anniversary 10K he ran in a few years ago. He held it out to Christian, but Blondie was too
busylookingaroundtheroom,hisinterestpiqued.Kevinfollowedhiseyes,tryingtoseethe
roomthroughadifferentfilter.

Thereweren’tthatmanypicturesonthewalls,butthefewhedidhavewereblackand

whiteshotstakenbyhismom.Thelargestwasofanemptycanoeoutonastilllake.Misthad
fallenoverthewaterandhismomcapturedtheshotjustasthefogtouchedthebowofthe
canoe. It was a great photograph, but it wasn’t the artistry that made it his favorite. It was
the story of how his parents were on their honeymoon and while his dad was sleeping, his
mompushedthecanoeoutintothewatersoshecouldgettheshot.Afterwards,shewokeup
dadandmadehimswimouttogetit.Hecouldstillhearthewayshe’dtellthestory:“Sure, it
was my fault for letting it loat out there, but we couldn’t afford to lose the rental deposit! Plus,
yourdad’sabetterswimmer.”

Somewhere stowed in a box of family pictures was the photo she’d taken as dad

draggedthecanoebackontothelakeshore,hisclothessoppingwetandhisfacescowling.It
wasstilltoopainfultolookatthatone;thereweretoomanyemotionswrappedupinit.

“I never thought I’d ever be in your room,” Christian whispered solemnly, slicing

throughKevin’smemories,hiseyesstill littingfromplacetoplaceinthebedroom.“Inever
thoughtI’dgettoseeyouagain.”Heturned,takingahesitantstepforward,andKevincould
seetheregretandanxietythatChristianusuallyhidbehindhisego.

“Ididn’tseethiscoming,either.”Kevinhadtoclearhisthroattogetthewordsoutand

hisgutgaveanervousquiver.

ChristianliftedhishandandgentlyclaspedthesideofKevin’sneck,givinghimtimeto

back away if he needed to. His thumb moved in a hypnotizing swirl over Kevin’s pulse and
the touch was so unexpectedly quieting, especially here in his own home, that his eyes
flutteredclosedasheleanedintoChristian’sgrip.

“I don’t know what you’re looking for, Kevin,” he whispered, his breath lirting with

Kevin’sjawashemoveduntiltheirchestsnearlytouched.“Idon’tknowifyoureallywantto
bewithme,butI’dverymuchliketokissyou…”

Eyesstillclosed,apprehensionlulledbythatstrokingthumb,Kevinnodded.Astheirlips

touched,somethinginsideofhimgaveway.Christiandidn’tpushhim,didn’ttightenhisgrip,
or wrap him in a irm embrace; he let his lips do all the work. The contact didn’t weaken
Kevin, yet it gave him the courage to let go. It was as if he was being looked after and
Christianwasincompletecontrol.ThesensationmadeKevin’seyesburnbehindtheirclosed
lids.

He parted his lips and Christian welcomed the invitation, grazing Kevin’s lips with his

tongue before delving in. The heat and softness was so unanticipated that one or both of
themgroaned.AmanlikeChristianwaswell-trainedintreatingintimacywiththesameglib
attitude with which he treated everything else, or at least that’s what Kevin previously
believed. This tenderness—this thorough attention to a single meeting of lips and tongue
stalledKevin’sunderstanding.

Another groan sounded and Kevin knew he was the one making the noise. He couldn’t

hold back and he reached for Christian, running his hands along his waist and across his
lowerbackashetuggedhimcloser.Hedidn’tknowwhathappenedtothet-shirthe’dbeen
holding. Christian kept that grip on Kevin’s neck and kneaded his shoulder with the other
hand,almostasthoughhewas ightingtoholdhimcloserand ightingtokeephimawayat
thesametime.

Kevin’s eyes opened as the kiss deepened and he was treated to the aching beauty of

blond lashes against tanned skin. He growled and closed his eyes once more, giving more
pressure, taking more from Christian as sweetness gave way to passion. They were both
breathing faster and suddenly Christian’s hands were in Kevin’s hair, and Kevin was
exploringthesilkenskinofChristian’sbackupwardtohisshoulders.

Christianseemedtorememberwheretheywere irstandheslowed,reluctantlypulling

backandtouchinghisforeheadtoKevin’s.

“I’msorry,”hesaidhoarsely.“…gotcarriedaway.”
“…no no no…” Kevin shook his head. He made himself open his eyes and found those

brillianthazelsstaringrightback,filledwithuncertainty.“Ineededthatsobad.”

ChristiangruntedinagreementandslidoutofKevin’shold.Thet-shirtwasonthe loor

andashebenttopickitup,KevinsawSelenainthedoorway,eyesroundwithshockanda
handclaspedoverhermouth,hiddeninthedarknessfromthehall.

“Son of a bitch!” Kevin hissed and Christian spun just in time to see her backing away,

herfacestillarictusofhorrifieddisbelief.

“Shit!”
From down the hallway Risa’s voice joined the group. “What are youdoing there,

Selena?”

Kevin took a threatening step toward his sister’s friend, pointing in warning, and

Christian caught his arm, stopping him. Selena’s gaze licked between them and her head
jerkedinsomesemblanceofacknowledgment,buttherewasnowayKevinwouldtrusther
tokeepherdrunkenmouthshut.YousayonefuckingwordandsohelpmeGod…!

He could hear Risa coming down the hallway and he gave Selena one last baleful look

beforeheturnedaway.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Risahissed.“Areyoutryingtopisshimoffmore?Comeon!”
KevinwaitedintensesilencetohearwhatSelenawouldsay.
“Iw-wasgoingtoapologizeagain,”shestammered.
“Apology accepted,” Christian spoke up, sounding exhausted. He must’ve snatched up

thet-shirtbecausehewaswearingitnow,hiswarm,softskincoveredoncemore.

RisaledSelenaawayasallthewarmthfromthatkissseepedoutoftheroom.Christian

wasn’t saying anything and he wasn’t meeting Kevin’s eyes. The silence stretched out and
therewasn’tawordtofillitasthemomentgrewmoreandmorestrangled.

Christian grabbed his phone from his back pocket and iddled with it for a second as

Kevinwaited,watchinghiseverymove.

“Yeah, could you send a cab…” He turned his back to Kevin and walked a few steps

awaygivingtheaddress.“I’llbeoutfront.”

Kevin was stunned. A cab? Why? He could still drive. He could take Christian home.

“Whatareyoudoing?Icantakeyouhome,”hesaidinconfusion.

Christianranhishandoverhismouthanditwasthegiveawaythathereallywasupset;

heonlydidthatwhenhewasfreakingout.“IthinkIshouldgo.I-Ithinkmaybeweshould…”
hesighedandhiswordsdriftedoff.

“Weshouldwhat?”
“Letthenightendhere,Iguess.”Heshruggedandpushedhishandsintohispockets.“I

thinkthat’dbethebestthingtodo.”

Kevinfeltthestirringsofdreadandhelookedalittlewildlyaroundtheroomforsome

kindofinspiration,forahintofwhattosayordo.WhenChristianactedlikehewasgoingto
leaveandheaddownthehallwaywithoutanotherword,Kevinslidinfrontofhim,blocking
hiswayandsnappingthedoorshutwithhisbody.

“I’msorry,”heblurted.“Ididn’tknowwhattodo.Ididn’tknowshewaswatching.”
“Iknowthat.”
“I don’t get why you’re running away again.” The anxiety was now bleeding into his

wordsandKevintookacoupledeepbreathstocontrolit.

Christian stared at his shoes, and mumbled something that Kevin couldn’t hear before

liftinghiseyes.“I’mnotrunning,Kev.I’msayinggoodnight.”

“BecauseofSelena?”
“Because of a lot of things. I’m a bit tired, actually,” he said in resignation. “Kind of an

action-packednight,don’tyouthink?”

“You’renottellingmeeverything,though.There’smore,”Kevinpressed.
“Thiscomingfromyou?”heansweredharshly,thenwavedthewordsaway.“No.Sorry.I

shouldn’thavesaidthat;I’mnottryingtopickafightwithyou.”

“Whywouldyouneedto?What’swrong?Aminuteagowewerekissingandnowyou’re

callingcabsandwalkingout.”Kevin’scenterofgravityhadshiftedandashelashedout,red
from embarrassment looded his cheeks. He was being stupid. He knew that, but it was like
hecouldn’tshuthimselfup.

Christian stepped in and gently swept his lips over Kevin’s, then kissed his temple,

reaching behind them to open the door. Kevin knew his feet were moving him out of the
way,buthecouldn’tfeelthem.

“Iwanttogo,Kev.Iwillcallyoutomorrow,ifthat’sokay.”
Kevinswallowedthicklyandnodded.
“Goodnight,GunnerySergeant.”
Anothernod.
“I’llcall.Ipromise.”Christiansmiledweakly.“Iknowyournumberbyheart.”

***

“Homeagain…homeagain…”Christianmumbledasthecabdriverdroveofftwenty- ive

bucks richer. He looked around the neighborhood, so cold and streamlined compared to
Kevin’s,andsighed.

Thiswasadangerousmoodtobein.Itwastooeasytorememberalloftheshitdecisions

he’d made in the past when he’d felt like this. For so long he’d been trying to ill that hole
withanythingandeverythingbutwhoheknewwould it.Asthewearinesswashedoverhim
andthehurtfollowedrightafterit,heknewhehadtotreadcarefully.

Christianwantedtorunagain.Hewantedtorunfastandfar—notfromKevin,butfrom

thepainanduncertaintythatbeingaroundhimhadalreadycaused.

Hecouldn’tyetmakesenseofthismanandwhathewanted.Sure,hecouldreacttothe

wordshe’dheard—thatKevinsaidheneededthatkiss—but…Kevinalsohadhisownlifeto
deal with and Christian wasn’t going to be hypocritical about it and make demands. How
could he? He’d broken hearts with lies about his own sexuality. Kat’s face as he broke the
newsstillhauntedhim.

Whether or not Kevin told Risa about himself was something he had to do in his own

timebecauseultimatumswouldonlypushKevintoresenthim.Therewasenoughregretin
their past without adding in statements that started with “You must…” and ended with “or
else.”

Now, getting a taste of being the secret in someone’s life, it should make sense, right?

Christianshouldn’tfeelsohurt…

Buthedid.Hewashurtingprettybadatthemoment.Risahadbeenshockedtoseehim

tonightbecauseKevinliedtoherabouttheirhistory;thatmuchwascertain.Christiandidn’t
know the full story of what Risa thought she knew. He could sense her hesitance to cast a
voteinhisfavor.

Hegroanedandinsteadofwalkingupthestairstohisfrontdoor,hewenttheopposite

directiontowardthefountaininfrontofhishouse.Kickingoffhisshoesandsocks,hetugged
uphispantlegsandstuckhisfeetinthecoldwater.Thedriedbloodonhisjeansbroughta
deeperfrown.

Itwouldbeeasytoreconcilehishurtwiththefearhe’dseeninKevin’seyesasheleft,

but it was easier to think of the horror on his face as he discovered Selena and realized his
secret was out. That expression told Christian everything he needed to know. Kevin wasn’t
readyforthis.Hewasn’treadyforChristian’stouchorkisses.Hislifewaslockeduptightand
aspeoplestartedto igureoutwhatwasgoingon:Jack,Selena,Kevin’sbuddies,maybeeven
theMarinesatthebowlingalley,Kevinwouldknowhewaslosingcontroloftheinformation.
The irstthingtogoinorderforhimtoregainhisbalanceandpulloutofthespinwouldbe
Christian.

No doubt, he should’ve seen this coming. He did the leaving last time—immature and

scared, distracted by all the wrong reasoning. This time Kevin was the one facing all the
questionsand“risks.”

TherewasnowayKevinwasgoingtostickaroundnow.
Christiandroppedhisheadintohishandsandswore.“Lookatyou,”hemumbled.“Hung

uponthesameguy,sittingwithyourfeetdanglinginafountain.”Ifanyoftheneighborhood
kidssawhim,they’dthrowacoininbesidehim,wishingtheywouldn’tenduplikehim.

He grabbed his shoes and socks and crossed the road in bare feet. His house was dark

exceptforthelightabovethestove,andtheroomsweresilent.Theplacefelttooempty.He
was going to buy some pictures and hang them up. Tomorrow, he told himself. It’s time. He
could talk to somebody about making one of those accent walls, maybe; he could do some
painting.Didsingleguyshaveaccentwalls?Singlegayguysmight.

Adog.
Maybe a dog would be better than an accent wall. Did he want a dog? Not really. He

wasn’thomeenough.

“YouwantKevin…”hewhispered.“Sobasically,you’rescrewed.”

199

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

Christian didn’t call irst thing the next morning. He didn’t even call when he left the

house around ten to make good on the plans to add some art to the walls. At some point in
the middle of a sleepless night he decided he wasn’t going to waste money on artwork that
everybodycouldhave.Instead,hewasgoingtodoallofithimself.

Ithadbeenyearssincehedrewanythingthathadn’tendeduponhisbody,sohewasa

littlenervousashedugthroughthestandingdisplaysofwhitecanvasandstareddownthe
mile-longaislesofoilpastelsattheartsupplystore.Heshookhishead.No.Hedidn’twantto
workwithoils.

Walking farther into the store he found notebooks illed with watercolor and pastel

paper,butwhenhesawthebottlesofIndiaInk,heknewexactlywhathewantedtodo.He
threwonlythreecolorsintohisbasket,thenfoundthebestpaperhecould.Thelasttimehe
workedwithIndiaInkwasinahighschoolandhe’dusedtheseweirdold-fashionedpenshe
hated.Todayhechoseanewsetofbrushesthatwouldbeperfectforwhathehadinmind.
Afterhesplurgedonaneaselandmountingboards,hetossedeverythinginthebackseatof
thehummeranddrovehome.

Hedidn’tcallKevinthen,either.Theentiretimehewasoutshoppinghetoldhimselfto

ignore the burdensome weight sitting on his chest. He pretended that he wasn’t sick inside
becausethisrelationshipwasgoingtobesnuffedout.

You’restillyoung, he reminded himself even though it wasn’t helpful. Kevin wasn’t the

only man in the world, but Christian was having trouble seeing past him. Six years of
fantasies and seven days of highs, lows, and too many questions. Why was any of this a
shock? Until now, all of Christian’s disappointment had settled on its rightful bearer—
himself.Yet,lastnight,afterSelenacaughtthemkissing,herealizedthathewasdisappointed
inKevin,too.Nomatterhowunfairthatwas.

He didn’t have the right to expect anything other than Kevin protecting himself; they

weren’tacouple.IfChristianwereinKev’splace,hewouldn’twantSelenayammeringtohis
littlesister,tellingsecretsthatweren’therstotell.Yet,therewasa moment when Christian
saw Selena standing there that he hoped Kevin would react differently. It was senseless to
be so surprised. A shared kiss six years ago didn’t make Christian come out, that was for
damnedsure.Theirkisslastnightdidn’tmeanKevinhadtotakethatleap,either.

Sensibleornot,though,hewasaching.Atleasthewasbeinghonestaboutitforonce.
Christianmadehimselfamega-sizedchocolatemilk—hisversionofcomfort—andtookit

out to the back porch where he’d set up his easel. It was going to rain, but the small patio
wascovered.

He spent twenty minutes sketching a basic design and as he was about to start in with

theblackink,hiscellphonerang.Christian’sheartfrozeinhischestashewonderedifKevin
wasactuallyreachingouttohim irst,butwhenhesawthenameonthescreenhelaughed
insurprise.

“Mark,”hesaidindisbelief.“Tellmeyou’releavingZanebecauseyoucan’tlivewithout

me.”

“Some things never change,” Mark answered. “I thought you’d act a little differently

afterIlistenedtoyourmessages.Kevinshowedup,huh?TheKevin?”

A twinge of pain came with the question and Christian couldn’t help but think of how

he’dpicturedthisconversationgoingafewdaysbefore.Todayhewasn’tnearlyasoptimistic.

“He’saMarine.DidItellyouthatinthemessage?”
Markwhistled.“No,youdidn’t.Listentoyou,though!Yousoundlikehedroveoveryou

withasteamroller.”

“It’sabouthowIfeel.”
“I’vegottwentyminutesbeforeI’vegottoleaveforacharityrun.Talkfast.”
ChristiansloucheddownintoachairandtookadeepbreathbeforebringingMarkupto

dateonrunningintoKevin,convincinghimtocometodinner,andfinallytheirdate.

“Hmm. Bowling, Marines, party crashing, and a witnessed makeout session,” Mark

eventuallyinterjected.“That’sexactlyhowI’dpictureadatewithyougoing.”

“Funny.”
“It is!” Mark answered, a smile in the words. “All that aside, I’m getting the idea that

you’rescrewedwithyourpantson.”

“It’s about how I feel,” Christian repeated himself. “See, I know he doesn’t owe me

anything.We’renotinarelationship—itwasonedate,butafteralltheseyearsandneither
oneofusabletoforgeteachother,Iwashopingformorelastnight.Iwantedittobea irst
step,butinsteadIthinkitwasalaststep.”

Markwassilentonthelineforseveralseconds,thenhespoke,clearlysurprised.“Maybe

youhavedonesomegrowingup.Sorryifthatsoundscondescending,butyou’veneveronce
beensostraightforward.It’slikeI’mnotonthephonewiththesameguy.”

“Oh,yeah,”Christiangrumbled.“That’stheotherthingIwantedtotellyou—eversinceI

metyou,I’vefuckingmatured.”

Marksnorted.“Well,IwishIhadtheperfectthingtosay,butIdon’t.Webothknowhow

longittookmetoworkmyownlifeout.”

“How’sallthatgoing?”Christianasked,sortofinterestedagainsthiswill.
“It’sreallygood.We’regood.”
“GoldenGlobeandanOscarnomination.Zane’sswinginginthebigleaguesnow.”
“Soyouhavebeenfollowingthenews,”Marksaidkindly.
“What’snext?Areyouguysadoptingasweetlittlebaby?”Christianwasaimingforglib,

buthedidn’tquitepullitoff.

“Nah.We’reenjoyingbeingwitheachother.”
Christiannodded,expectingtheanswer.“I’mgladforyouandI’mjealousashell.”
“You’ll get this worked out. I have faith in you,” Mark chuckled. “Look how far you’ve

comesincewemet.”

Themanhadapoint.“DoesZaneknowyou’reonthephonewithme?”
“He’ssittingrightnexttome.”
“Anddoeshestillwanttokickmyass?”
“Absolutely.”
Christian’sgrinwidenedfurther.“Makinghimsquirmwillnevergetoldtome.”
“Don’tpushit.”
Christian knew time was running short, so he kicked off the remnants of his pride and

askedforhelp.“WhatshouldIdo?Anywordsofwisdom?”

“Sixyearsandyou’restillhunguponhim?”Markasked.
Christiannodded.“Yes.Definitely.”
“Sixyearswhereyou’vebeenbeggingthepowersthatbeforanotherchance?”
Hemurmuredanacknowledgment,hishacklesraisingoutofhabit.

“You’re scared,” Mark stated matter-of-factly. “You think you’ve put yourself out there,

but you haven’t put yourself as far out as you can go. Six years is a long time to want
someone, and you’ve been carrying him around like luggage,” Mark observed quietly. “If at
theendofthedayyoustillwanthimwithyou,thendon’tgiveup.Don’tletyourfearrunyou
off.MydadtoldmethatandIshould’velistened.Trustme.

“Maybe it will work out for you two and maybe it won’t, but I’m telling you right now

thatifyoubalk,it’llbetheworstdecisionyou’veevermade,Christian.Givehimtime.I’mnot
sayingyoushouldlethimwalkalloveryou,butatleastgivehimsometime.”

“Yeah,”Christianfinallyanswered,histhroatdry.
“Callmewithanupdate.ThisKevinguyisliketheGreatandPowerfulOz.I’mnotsureI

believeheexists.”

“Oh,he’sreal.Ihaven’tgonethatcrazy.”
“Make him talk to you. Tell him what you’re thinking. Then, kiss the hell out of him.”

Mark went quiet as a voice spoke up in the background. “Zane says you should make sure
he’snottakenfirst.”

***

Selenaleftthehouseearly;Kevinwatchedhersneakoutthefrontdoorfromhisseatat

the kitchen table, her things bundled up in her arms. She de initely didn’t notice him. He
could’ve used the opportunity to remind her that what she saw last night was none of her
business, but he didn’t want to say another word to her aboutanything. He wanted her far
away.

Risacamedownstairsshortlyafterandmadeherwaytothecoffeepot,ignoringhimas

shepassed.

“Morning,”hesaid,wonderingifshe’dspeakorifthiswasfull- ledgedsilenttreatment.

Grabbingthecreamfromthefridgeshegavehimapointedlookandturnedaway.

“Weshouldtalk.”
With a huff, she spun to face him, planting her hands on the edge of the counter.

“Unless it’s about how sorry you are for stomping around like Godzilla last night and
holleringatSelena,I’mnotinthemoodforconversation.”

Kevinhad been feeling contrite but he didn’t like getting snapped at for taking care of

Risaandspeakinghismindwhensomeonewastreatingherlikeshit.And,heneverhollered.

“EverythingIsaidlastnightneededtobesaid,”heshotback,aveneerofcalmoverhis

bubblingtemper.

“Really,Kev?Everything?Idon’tthinkso.”
“Too bad. She takes advantage of you and you let her! All the time. She hangs out with

you,butthe irstchanceshehastothrowherselfatsomeguy,sheleavesyou.Hell,ifIgave
her a couple minutes of attention, she’d follow me! She’s a shitty friend. I don’t regret one
wordIsaidtoher.”

“Youdon’tunderstandeverythingshe’sbeenthrough.Youweresoharsh—”
“Sparemethebackstoryofhowmommyanddaddyignoreher.Noneofthatmeansshe

hastherighttowalkalloveryou.Atleastbothherparentsarestillaround.”

“Kevin.”
“No,Risa,”hecutheroff.“Youcould’veleftthatparty andSelena,butyoustuckaround

becauseyoucareabouther.I’mgladyoudidthat,butshemakesbaddecisionsandyouhelp

her clean up her messes over and over again. That’s not okay. You don’t have to say
anything,butIdo.”

“Shefeelsreallybad,”Risamurmured.“She’stotallyembarrassed.”
“Fantastic,”Kevinsaidwithoutin lection.“I’llwaittobeimpresseduntilIseethatshe’s

actuallychanged.IcareaboutyoumorethanI’llevercareabouther,Risa.That’swhatthisis
about.DadandmomwouldneverforgivemeifIdidn’ttakecareofyou.”

Risasankintotheseatacrossfromhim,hercoffeeforgotten,andpulled her long black

braidoverhershoulder.“I’mnotperfect—youactlikeI’mthisangelinSelena’slife,likeI’ve
neverdoneanythingwrong.”

“Thisisn’taboutperfection.UntilthedayIdie,I’mgoingtolookoutforyou.Idon’twant

peoplescrewingwithyou.”

“Iknow.”
“DoyouseewhereI’mcomingfrom?”
Thelookshegavehimgrudginglycon irmedthatshedid.Hetookasipofhiscoffeeand

wasabouttospeakwhenRisasniffled.Hiseyesshotuptohersandshesniffledagain.

Ah,hell.Whatnow?
Risa pulled a foot up onto the chair and rested her cheek against her raised knee. “I

knowSelenagetsawaywithalot.Idon’tevenknowwhyI’veneverputmyfootdownwith
her… She’s just a scared person deep down. She gears everything in her life to show that
she’sworthsomething.”Hissisterfellsilentandshookherhead,goingfrom snif les to stoic
inonebreath.

“She’sgottolearnsomedaythattherearebetterwaystofeelgoodaboutherself.You’re

notresponsibleforheractions.”

Risa didn’t answer as she absently ran her ingers over the handle of her coffee mug.

She looked as though she was struggling to say something but kept shoving it back down.
Watching her made the skin on his neck prickle and he waited, on edge. Had Selena said
something?Risaactedliketherewasasecretbackedbyhighpressureabouttospewoutof
her.

“I’m lucky,” she admitted quietly. “Watching Selena drives that point home, but

sometimesIenvyhowshegoesafterwhatshewants.Eventhoughyoudon’twantanything
todowithher,youhavetoadmitthatyouneverdoubtedshewanted you.Idon’tknowhow
tothrowcautiontothewindthatway.”

Kevin sensed he was out of danger for the moment, but Risa’s words grabbed his

attentionback.“Whatareyougettingat?”

Risawentbacktocombingthroughtheendofherbraidandshewouldn’tmeethiseyes.

“You’d do anything for me, Kev. That’s clear. I don’t ever take that for granted, but
sometimesIwishformomsobadly—Ineedherhelp.Ineedheradvice.”

“Iknow,”hewhispered,guiltrisinginhimwithoutexplanation.“Iknowyoudo.”
“Iwanttotellherwhatupsetsmeandhavehertalkalloftheworryoutofme.Iwantto

gotosleepwithoutnightmaresandwithoutastupidnightlighton.I’mtwentyandIneeda
light to sleep—like I’m ive years old! Mom…she was sofunny. She could erase all that fear
withasinglelaugh.Iknowshecould…”

Risadissolvedrightinfrontofhim.Therewerenowrackingsobs,justquietbreathsand

asteady lowoftearsthatsmashedthehelloutofhisheart.Hepushedbacktogotoherand
sheheldupahand,wavinghimoff.Kevinlatchedontoher ingersanywayandsatdownin
thechairnexttohers.Hethoughtofthatpictureupstairsinhisbedroomandthestoryabout
their parent’s honeymoon again, practically hearing an echo of their mom’s laughter in the

tinykitchen.

“I know, Little Ris. I’m so sorry. We lost them at a really important time for you and I

stomparoundmakingmessesofthingsmorethananythingelse—”

“You’re my brother,” she cut him off. “You’ve been amazing. I get scared about the

future, is all.” She wiped at her tears and pushed away, trying to pull herself together even
as raw emotion made itself comfortable at the table. “The anniversary is getting close. It’s
screwingwithme,Ithink.I’msorry.”

“Ris…don’tapologize.”
“No. Honestly. I’m just stupidly emotional right now. Last night was crap and I felt like

suchanidiot.”

Kevin followed her with his eyes, confused once again. “Why? You weren’t the one dry

humpingabedpost.”

Risa’s frustration was obvious as she grabbed her coffee cup and set it roughly in the

sink,thentoreacouplepapertowelsofftherolltodryhereyes.“Chasingaftermyfriendlike
an annoying kid, freaking out and blubbering to Jack when I couldn’t reach you… It didn’t
feelgreat;letmeputitthatway.”

Hold up. Now they were getting down to brass tacks. All the tears, the comment about

Selena knowing what she wanted and going for it, wishing mom was around to talk to—he
should’ve known. Of course it would come down toa guy. To Jack. It would really help Kev
figurethingsoutifhissisterdidn’tleadhimtothetruthbytakingthelongwayaround.

RisalikedJackandbeneathherembarrassmentovercallinghimand“freakingout,”she

was scared what Kevin would think. That’s why she was changing her tune now, insisting
everythingwasfine.Shewastoonervoustobroachthesubject.

Okay. Thank God Jack had frontloaded him with this or he’d be apoplectic right about

now, iguring that Risa had her heart broken or that Jack worked his charm on her. Since
Kevindidn’tknowwhattosay,heknewthebestbetwouldbetocallhisbuddywithaheads
up.Ifhedid,hewasbasicallygivingthe inalgo-aheadforthetwoofthemtogettogether—
not that Jack was looking for permission. But, if his options for helping these two sort their
situationweretodealwiththenon-weepybestfriend,orthefrustratedandsnif lingsister,
KevinwasgoingtodealwithJack.

“I’msorryIinterruptedyournightout,”Risa’svoice littedintohisdeliberations,making

itclearthattheprevioussubjectwasclosed.“Iwasactuallyreallysurprisedtoseeyouwere
withChristianafterwhatyoutoldusabouthim.”

Kevinfrozeinhisseatandswallowedhisheartbackdown.Thiswasit.Hisopportunity

to tell her everything. He opened his mouth, eyes glued to Risa’s back where she stood
lookingoutthekitchenwindow.Tellher.Sayit.

Hegrimacedwhentheonlywordthatescapedhislipswasahusky,“Yeah.”
“I wish I knew the deal,” Risa spoke again. “He seems really nice and he was trying to

protect Selena and me last night. I didn’t see a reckless, irresponsible guy like the one you
described. Did you know his tattoos were so intricate? There wasn’t a bare piece of skin
anywhereIcouldsee—andIgotagoodlook!”

Kevin was following everything she said, but the sudden irritation that his sister was

able to peruse Christian’s body art while Kevin had been unable, took top billing in his
jumbled thoughts. He swallowed again, so loudly that his throat clicked. God, he was thirsty.
Tellhertositdown.Tellherthetruth.

“He’sgrownupalot,”hewhispered,butRisahadturnedonthefaucetanddrownedhis

wordsout.Whensheturneditwaswithalookofresignation.

“Okay.Youdon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
His mouth dropped open again like a stupidZoltarfortune telling machine, and he

willedhimselftosithissisterdownandtellherwhathe’dbeensopreparedtotellherdays
before,butthewordswouldnotcome.Acripplingvicehadsettledoverhisvocalchordsand
hefeltlikeitwouldbetheworkofamomentforhimtosuffocateonthetruthanddieright
thereatthekitchentable.

Runningapatienthandoverhishair,Risasighedandlefttheroom.Hewatchedhergo,

partofhimmadlytryingtogaincontrolofhisvoiceandcallforhertocomeback,whilethe
restofhimsuccumbedtothatgriponhisthroat.Themomentshewasupstairs,thetension
relaxedandhesuckedinabreathasthoughhe’dbeenunderwaterforfartoolong.

“You stupid asshole,” he hissed, dragging in more air into his starving lungs. “What is

wrongwithyou?”

Thattroubledand ightingspiritwithinhimurgedhimtofollowhissisterupstairsand

unload the weight of truth on her, but instead his legs led him to the garage where he
pounded through a chest and back routine until his muscles quivered. When he went back
intothehousetherewasanoteonthediningtablethatRisahadgonegroceryshopping.

Kevincheckedhisphone.Nomissedcalls.Notexts.
Feelingangryandsullen,hetookashower,chokeddownaproteinshakeanddialedup

Jack.Someoneshouldgetacallwithgoodnews,hedecided.

213

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

“Tellingheronthephoneisn’tgoingtobeenough.”
“Goodmorningtoyou,too,”Jacksaidsleepily.“Myonedaytosleepinandyoucall.”
“It’salmosteleven.”
“Iknow;I’mmessin’withyou.I’mwatchingoldepisodesofTheWestWing.”
“Well, whatever,” Kevin said tersely. “I had a conversation with Risa this morning that

ledmetobelieveyouhaven’ttoldheryoulikeher.”

“I’mwaitingfortherighttime—andholdupasecond.Haveyoutoldheryoursecret?”
Kevinthrewhisuniform,stillcrumpledontheendofhisbed,intothehamperwithsuch

forcethatthethingrockedbackandforth.“Doyouwantmyhelpornot?”

“Youwanttohelpme?Idon’tneedhelp;thisisabouttiming.IfIsaysomethin’toosoon,

shemightfreakout.”

Kevingaveanemptylaugh.“IhavenewintelandyouhavetolistenbecauseotherwiseI

mighthavetowatchhercryinginthekitchenagain.”

“Why was she cryin’?” Jack sounded much more attentive. “She texted me about what

happened last night. She said you gave Selena hell and shealsosaid your boy Christian
showedup.”

“Neither of whom have anything to do with why Risa was crying,” Kevin said

impatiently.“I’mnotreallyinthemoodforalongconversation,either.Sohere’swhatIknow
forthesakeofmysanityandmysister’sheart:Shelikesyou.Alot.”

“Shesaythat?Sheusethosewords?”Jack’svoicelifted.
“She said everything but that. You know how girls are,” Kevin explained. “She covered

allthebasesfromhowshefeltstupidforcallingyoubecauseshedidn’twanttolooklikean
idiot in front of you, to wishing our mom was around to talk. She even said she ‘envied’
Selenabecauseatleastherfriendknowshowtogoafterwhatshewants.Thistellsmeshe’s
eitherbeenpossessed,orthatshehasacrushonsomeone.”

“Risa likes me…” Jack breathed in disbelief, then Kevin heard his hiss of pleasure. “Are

you sure it isn’t a friend thing? Or that I’m like another brother?” His voice grew serious
again.

KevinpicturedRisaatthetableandthewayshehadto ightherconfessiondown.The

completeoppositeofhowhe’dbeenwithhisownstory.

“She’s sureyou think ofher as a sister. I’m telling you that I don’t think a phone call is

going to cut it. The way Risa is, she’s going to want to see your face and look into your eyes
and all of that other stuff that honestly makes me queasy to think about you two doing
together.”

JackstartedtoanswerbutKevincuthimoff.
“Beforeyoubuyaticketand lyhere,orhopinyourpieceofshitCamryanddriveyour

asstoSanDiego,Iwarnyouagain:Iwillkillyouifthisgoesbad.Andifyourcharmexitsyour
pants,I’llsliceanddice,buddy.”

“Iain’tgonnahurther,asshole.
“Good.I’mhangingupthephonenow,”Kevingrumbled.
“Iwannahearaboutyourboy,”Jackbrokeindistractedly.
“He’snotmyboy.There’snothingtotell.”

“I’veheardthatbeforeandthattimeitturnedoutyouweregay.”
Kevinclosedhiseyesandfellforwardontohisbed,turninghisheadatthelastsecond

sohedidn’tcrushtheMcGuirefamilynose.“Jack.Ican’tdothisrightnow.”

His discomfort must have bled through because Jack didn’t put up an argument.

“Alright. I hear you, but I’m coming to town. My next class isn’t until Wednesday. Don’t tell
Risa.”

Kevin grunted his assent and hung up before he did something stupid, like discuss his

feelings or explore the motives of his heart. Feelings would quickly turn into questions that
hewantedanswersto.Andthosequestionswouldn’thaveanyanswersbecauseJackwasn’t
theguywhohadthem.Christianwastheonewhocouldclearupawholelotofcrapandhe’d
apparentlydroppedofftheradaragain.Bigsurprise.

Kevinknewthiswasgoingtohappen.Onekissandthedudeheadsforpartsunknown.

Imagineifthey’dgoneanyfurther.Christianprobablywould’veburnedhisownhousedown
andtakenonanewidentity.

“Finewithme,”hemumbled,thencursedbecauseheknewthatwasalie.

***

ByeightthatnightChristianhad inishedtwoinkpaintings.He’ddecidedtodoaseries

of silhouettes, art deco style. So far, the irst two reminded him of old movie posters with
shadowedmenwearingfedorasandtrenchcoats.VeryAlfredHitchcock.

His stomach growled as he carried the artwork and supplies back inside. Kevin was

probablywaitingforthatphonecallandChristianwasstillgoingbackandforthaboutit.As
he popped aLean Cuisineinto the microwave, he decided to take the coward’s way out and
text.

Text messages were a life saver. He could write personal stuff now and blame it on his

thumbslater.Itprovidedaphantomdistancethatheneededatthemoment.

Gotcaughtuptoday.Sorryforthelatetext.Uok?
See?Casual.Therewasn’tevenahintofChristian’sactualstateofmindinthemessage.

Ifhewerebeingentirelyhonest,however,he’dhavetyped:

FreakingoutbecauseIwantyoutobemineandyoudon’twantthatlikeIdo,soI’llprobably

ditchthissituationsoontoavoidafuckingsoulhemorrhage.Kisses.

Open honesty was okay, but there was a balance and he didn’t want to say too much.

Mark’s words about Christian not putting himself all the way out there came back to mind
and they stung just as much the second time around. He wanted to be sel ish and declare
thathe’ddoneallthework,butKevinhadgivenhimachance.

Christian’sphonechirped.
Caughtupdoingwhat?
HecouldjustpictureKevin’sfaceashetypedthattext.Hisjawhadtobeclenched.
Artwork.
SecondslaterKevinreplied.Onyourskin??
No.Formylivingroom.IsRisaok?Fallout?
Christian forced himself to eat the microscopic piece of chicken from the nuked dinner

as he waited. It was a bit pathetic that all day long he’d been telling himself to let Kevin go
andnevertalktohimagain,butafewtextsbackandforthandhewascravingaface-to-face
withtheguylikehehadn’tspenttheentireeveningwithhimthenightbefore.Hewantedto

tellKevtocomeover.Hewantedtopickupwheretheyleftoffinthatbedroom,whichwas
bigtrouble.

Nothingcrazy.TookRistothepierandweatetoomuch.She’spassedoutonthecouchand

I’mwatchingamovie.

Christian immediately moaned in frustration as jealousy came unwanted to his chest

and tied his lungs in a knot.He wanted to go to the pier and eat too much with Kevin, then
fall asleep watching a movie. He shouldn’t have to hide out on his back porch, burying his
feelingsinartworklikeapoorman’sSalvadorDali.

He was trying to igure out the best response to Kevin when his phone chirped again.

HisMarinewasimpatienttonight.

What’sthedeal?You’remakingmenervousandIdon’tlikeit.
FoodstuckhalfwaydownChristian’sthroatandhisinsidesgavealittletremble,perhaps

as forewarning that his chicken and veggies were coming back up. Kevin was so blunt and
tough, and it was sexy, but frightening. How was Christian supposed to tell him how scared
hewas?Itwasn’tlikeKevinwastheonlyonewhowasnervous.

Again,hisphonebeeped.Youinthisornot?Don’tscrewaroundwithme.
Christian’s ingers burst into action and he typed the irst thoughts that came to mind

andhitsend.

Kevin’s text snapped back:A breather? You needed a breather? From what exactly? Then

another:Andwhat’swiththetexting?Yousaidyou’dcall.I’mtypingessayshere.

Calmdown,Christianthought,thentextedthesamething.Apparentlytheywerebothin

crappymoodsandprobablyshouldn’tbetalkinginanyformwhatsoeverrightnow.Hesent
another text sharing that thought and Kevin never responded. Christian was left to worry
therestofthenightthathiscandyasshadsuccessfullyruinedeverything.

He fell asleep after midnight and woke up later than he had since college. Atoning for

the lapse, he went on a long bike ride, refusing to check his phone in case what he found
disappointed him. Rain threatened from midday onward and when he returned home, the
airwasalmostelectricwiththecomingstorm.

Aroundsixo’clock,whenChristiansatdownonhisbacksteps,readytoripofftheBand-

Aid and reassess what had started with Kevin, the skies were ominous. It was beginning to
drizzle and he leaned back onto the steps, the concrete jutting at turns into his back and
shoulders. He tilted his face to the sky, closing his eyes, and that’s exactly how Kevin found
him.

219

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

“Stayrightthere,”Kevinspokeinacarefullycontrolledtone.“Maybeyou’llgetstruckby

lightning.”

Christian’sheadshotupandwhenhemetKevin’sstare,theguiltwasobvious.Well,piss

onthat;itwasnothingcomparedtoKevin’sfrustration.

“Didyoufallintoawelltoday?”Hecockedhisheadtothesideasheasked,hands isted

inhispockets.“Mysteriouslylosetheuseofyourfingers?”

Christian shook his head no, every movement and change of expression now marked

withcaution.

“I didn’t think so, but I came over anyway just to make certain you weren’t trapped

underneath a bookshelf…or a car.” Kevin took a few steps closer and stopped, coiling tight
likeasnakeinthegrass.“Icalledyouthismorning.”

Christian’ssurprisewasinsulting.“Youdid?”
“Yep.” His lips made a popping sound on the p. “Sent a couple texts, too, because it

occurredtomethat‘hardtoget’mightbeyourgame—”

“No,Kevin.”Christianpushedtohisfeet,hishandonthestairrailing.“IsweartoGod.”

Histonewasallexhaustion.

“It’s a good thing I came over then, because now you have an opportunity to tell me

what’s going on.” He crossed his arms and looked Christian up and down. “You have
somethingonyourmind—”

“It’snothing,”helookedaway.“Ineededtothink.”
“So you said, but you didn’t explain. Don’t you think we’re going nowhere if after a

singledateyou’rehidingfromme?Why’dyourushofftheothernight,allwoundup?”

“I don’t want to behidden, okay?” Christian’s gaze lashed back to Kevin’s, anger

snapping in his hazel eyes. He sat back down on the steps tiredly, resting his arms on his
knees.“Irealizethatstatementisashockercomingfromme,butI’madifferentguynow.I’m
twenty-nine and I know what I want in my life. Maybe I’m not the mostopen person—you
won’t ind me strolling along with someone, pinkies intertwined—but I know that I don’t
wanttobeasecretandIdon’twanttobeareasonforresentment.”

Kevin was stunned by Christian’s outburst and needed a moment to absorb the ierce

reaction. “I’m not trying to hide you,” he replied quickly, confused. He stepped closer, then
frozeasChristianheldupastayinghand.

“Kevin,I’mtellingyouhowIfeel.I’mnottellingyoutodoanythingformybene it.Your

circumstances are different than mine and I’m not going to lay any demands at your
doorstep.It’sjust…Idon’tthinkyouknowhowmuchIcareaboutyou…Howmuchitmeans
tomethatyouaskedmeoutagain,”headmitted,thenliftedhischinalmostde iantlyashe
calmlycontinued.“FromwhereIam,youdon’tseemreadyforthis,andI’mnotgoingtoforce
yourhand.Ever.But,you’vetoldyoursistersomestoryaboutmethatmakesherlookatme
like I might rob her. Selena saw us kiss and you didn’t even take a moment—a second—to
tryto consider acting differently than you did. You just charged her, looking like you could
killherifshebreathedaword.

“I know you don’t want Risa inding out the truth that way; I want her to learn about

youinwhateverwayyoudecideandonlyifyouwantthattohappen,butI’dbelyingifIsaid

it didn’t suck to stand by and watch you prefer every other course of action over admitting
youlikeme.Thenagain,thatmightbethecruxoftheissue.Maybecaringaboutmeiswhat
youcan’tgetover.”

Kevin was thrown. He’d asked for an answer and Christian came at him with double

barrels. His defenses were threatening to rise up and lash out, and he was ighting it,
wanting to be equally forthright and collected in his response. He didn’t want to alienate
Christian further, and yet, he didn’t want to uproot himself from his comfort zone. The
easiest option would be to say “fuck it” and leave. Kevin didn’t want to leave, though. He
didn’t want to push off telling Risa the truth and ind himself alone years down the line
becausehecouldn’tmanup.

When he came over, he’d been annoyed with Christian, but there was no use denying

thatheneededtoseehimforreasonsotherthananexplanation.Kevinwantedtotouchhim.
Hewantedtotalk.

“I don’t know how to tell her,” Kevin said softly, his brow furrowing at the confession.

“ThelongerIwait,theharderitgets.NowSelenaknowsandIdon’twantRisatohearabout
me the same way she’d hear about any other random drama that her friend wants to dish
out.”

ThedrizzlechangedtoapenetratingrainandKevinnoticedChristianshiverwhenthe

drops hit the back of his neck. Aside from swiping at the moisture, he remained absolutely
still. Looks like we’re not taking this discussion indoors, he thought. This was the perfectly
wrongsettingforsuchaserioussubjectandnowKevinwouldhavetoendureitwearingwet
jeans.

“I’mnotgoingtotellyounottoworry,andIcan’ttellyouwhatyoushoulddo.”Christian

openedhishandspalmup,liketheiremptinesswassomesortofproofhehadnothingmore
tooffer.“Although,Idohopeyoutellhersomeday.”

Kevin covered the last few steps to Christian fast enough that the other man couldn’t

stophisprogressandcrouchedsoneitherofthemwouldhavetheirfacestiltedintotherain.
The cold and damp was seeping through his clothing, but it was easily ignored as he
confrontedamomentthatheknewwouldechothroughthecomingdays.

RememberingthenighttheymetandChristian’snerves,Kevinwassuddenlysheepish.

HisfrightenedlittleBlondiehadbecomecoolandcontrolled,certainaboutwhathewanted.
Ifhe’dseenKevin’scrashandburnwithRisayesterday,he’dprobablyhavelockedhimself
insidebynow,thinkingthiswasanutterwasteoftime.

Kevin looked back and forth between Christian’s hazel eyes and marveled at their

unusual beauty all over again. They were veiled and cautious and he wanted to wipe that
away,bringbackthewarmth.“Idon’thaveaproblemwithmyfeelingsforyou.”

“But—”
“I’m nervous,” Kevin gave in to an exasperated smile. “That’s all. I care about you—I

could’ve happily stomped those assholes heads into the ground when they went after you
the other night. Being together… It’s nerve-racking. The instinct I have to wonder if you’re
therealdealiskindofsimilartotheinstinctyouhavetobolt.AndIknowthat’swhat’sbeen
goingthroughyourmindsinceFriday.Icanseeitalloveryou.”

Christian sighed and looked away. His ingers absently traced the lines on his jeans as

raindropspooled,thenrolledofftheskinofhishands.“IranbeforebecauseIcouldn’tdeal
withthetruth,Kevin.Today,I’dbegoingbecauseI candealwithit.Icanseethatwe’renot
onthesamepageandIcanalsoacceptthattoavoidthisgettinganymoredif icult,thebest
thingtodoisgoadifferentdirection.”

“That’snottrue.”
Christian’schucklewassadandfrustrated.“I’vewantedyousincewemetanditwasa

miraclethatIgotthechancetomakeupforbeingsuchanassbefore,butIcan’tdemanda
relationshipwithyouwhenitputsyouinapositionwhereyouhavetolietoRisa.AndIcan’t
put you in a position where you’re forced to share this truth about yourself to make me
happy,either.I’dlikeforoncetohavearelationshipthatisn’tbuiltonashitfoundation,Kev.

“Istrungagreatwomanalongformorethantwoyearsandtheentiretime,Iresented

her—eventhoughshedidn’tdeserveit.Themoreshepushedme,themoreIpushedback.
Imagine how she felt when she realized that all we were was a lie? Imagine how I felt
admittingthattoher.Ican’tgofurtherwiththisifIknowaheadoftimethatwe’regearing
up for hell. I’mtellingyou this so that when I think about this conversation later, I’ll know I
didn’thidelikealittlebastard;IcouldlookbackknowingthatIwasentirelyhonestwithyou.
It’slikeyousaidtomethatnightyoucameoverhere:wewerefuckedtobeginwith.”

KevinwasshakinghisheadthroughChristian’sentirespeech.Blondiedidn’tunderstand.

Theywerenotatanimpasse.“You’reupsetandyou’renotgivingmeachanceto igurethis
outwithyou.”

“OfcourseI’mupset!Imean,takeasecondtothinkabouthowyoursisterwouldreactif

she found out we were together and you never told her anything. It’s okay if you’re not
ready to tell her. It’s okay. But I’m not going to be the guy pushing you, making you resent
me, or the guy shunted off to the side in your bedroom when you hear her voice down the
hall.We’readults.Can’twebefuckingsmartaboutthis?”

“You’re worrying over nothing. I’m going to tell my sister; I just have to igure out the

bestway.”

“God! Thereisnobestway.Therejustisn’t.”Christianreplied.“Ihopeyoutellher,but

—”

“Christian, stop. This isn’t an issue,” Kevin cut him off and grabbed his hands, pulling

himforwarduntiltheirmouthsmet.

Christian resisted, trying to turn his head away, but Kevin shifted his hold. With one

hand curling up through those blond strands of hair, he gripped Christian’s jaw with the
other. Using his mouth as a weapon, he fought against passive lips until he felt a tremor of
response.

“Openuptome,”hewhisperedharshly,theheatofhisbreathalmostsizzlingbetween

them.

“No,”Christiangruntedandstrainedawayfromhim,palmsfirmagainstKevin’schest.
Kevin growled dangerously and pushed his body weight forward until Christian was

forced to lie back against the steps, trapped. The rain pelted against Kevin’s back even
harderanddrippeddownoverhisfaceasherenewedhisattackonChristian’smouth.

“Open,”hesnarled.
Christian gave a mighty push against Kevin’s chest, but his weaker position made the

move practically worthless. Kevin stilled over him, eyes wide open and staring straight into
theangryandarousedhazelglare.

“Don’t ight me,” Kevin murmured, moving a fraction closer. The pressure from

Christian’shandsincreasedthemomenthedidso.“Letme...”

The anger on Christian’s face was dissipating, only to be replaced by a look of raw

uncertainty. In spite of his hands against Kevin’s chest, there wasn’t much space between
them and in an instinctive response to that nearness, Christian pressed his hips upward
againstKevin’s,thenfrozewhenherealizedwhathe’ddone.

Kevin cursed and ground his hips down, wanting that pressure—equal parts arousing

and uncomfortable—back against him. He wanted Christian’s mouth open, chin tilted up,
backarching,hipsgrinding.

Christian’slipspartedinsurpriseandKevinstruck,loweringhisheadanddelvinginto

thatlushheat;takingover.Suddenlythosehandsagainsthischestwere istedintohisshirt
and drawing him closer. Christian groaned and gave Kevin what he wanted. His lips were

irmastheytraveledoverKevin’s,histonguemovingsosensuouslythat lashesoflightwent

offbehindKevin’sclosedeyes.

They’dbeengoodatthissixyearsago;theywereevenbetternow.Itwas,honesttoGod,

the most aroused Kevin had ever been. The cold rain against their warm bodies became a
sensualpulse,itsceaselessdrummingontheirskinurgingthemonward.

The hands that had been pressed against him in resistance were now inviting, roving

diligently down to Kevin’s ribs and then up over his back. He sighed deep in his throat, the
soundturningtoagroanhalfwaythrough.

Christian used his upper body to push against him and this time Kevin allowed it. He

waskneelingbetweentheyoungerman’slegs,goingcrazywiththesurpriseoffeelingallof
thatlong,tonedmuscleathissides.Christian’shandstraveledupwarduntilhewasholding
Kevin’sheadandforginghiswayintotheirkiss.

Kevin gripped Christian’s thighs and kneaded the long, tapered muscles. He tasted the

rainontheirtonguesandopenedhiseyes,pullingbacklongenoughtocatchhisbreath.

“Inside…”hisvoicerumbled.Forasecond,thattrepidation littedacrossChristian’sface

again and before it could derail everything, Kevin pushed to his feet and brought Blondie
withhimbyatightgriponhisshoulders.“Inside,”heinsisted.

Christian backpedaled up the steps, eyes locked on until he turned to open the slider.

Once he was through the door he moved quickly to put the kitchen island between them,
runninghishandsthroughhishairlikeheknewhewasabouttodosomethingheshouldn’t.
Kevinlaughedanditwasalmostmenacinginthequietroom.

“Ifyouthinkthatislandisgoingtokeepmeawayfromyou…”
Christian’sbackwastoKevinbutatthewords,hescowledoverhisshoulder.Then,with

hypnotizing slowness, he pulled off his dripping shirt, putting his tattoos on display an inch
atatime.Kevingaspedatwhathewasseeing.Mostofhisbackwascoveredbyaneerie ight
scene between two men—one seemed normal, but the other was phantom-like, hitting his
target and drifting to smoke before his opponent could defend himself. There were words
written across his shoulders in print that was too small for Kevin to read from where he
stood.Thereweresmallerpiecesinanintricatepatchworkineveryavailablespace.

On Christian’s side, he saw several faces that he couldn’t quite make out at this angle,

and they disappeared around to his stomach, out of sight. Even across the room it was
amazing how the art that he could see was so detailed. Kevin wanted to go to him and
devoureverybitofthatskin.SeeingChristianthiswaymadehimfeellikehewasbeingletin
onasecret.

AllfurtherthoughtwasdrivenfromKevin’smindasChristianwentafterthebuttonon

his shorts, dropping the zipper and letting them fall to the loor in a heap. He didn’t look
Kevin’swayashesteppedoutofthemandkickedthemaway.

Kevincouldn’tsee…
Heshuf ledafewstepstothesidearoundtheislandandtookanunevenbreath.He’d

wondered how far the ink went and it was everywhere: it traveled all the way up those
muscled legs and disappeared beneath a pair of white boxer briefs that in their wet state

wereentirelyseethrough.AstripofskinbeneaththefabricwasuntouchedbyinkandKevin
wantedChristiantoturnsobadlysohecouldseetherestthateachmuscleinhisbodywas
flexedinanticipation.

Christiandidn’tturnaround;hesimplylefttheroom.
Kevinstoodthere,drippingalloverthekitchen loorandthenburstintoactionlikehe’d

been smacked with a hot poker. His soaked t-shirt slapped the tile and his wet jeans were
about as easy to take off as full tactical gear—the process would’ve been easier if he’d
rememberedtotakeoffhisfuckingshoesbeforehestartedstripping.

ChristianwasalreadyupthestairsbythetimeKevinfollowedandheforcedhimselfto

takeeachstepasslowlyaspossiblesohisblondwouldhearhimcomingwitheachfootfall.

Waiting on the landing, Christian stood watching him, his breaths coming fast and his

chestmovinglikehewasfrightened.Kevintookthelaststeprightintotheotherman’sspace
andtheystoodinsilence,eye-to-eye.

“Touchme,”Christianwhispered,asadlonginginhisvoicethatmadeKevinfrown.
Leaning in, he gently rubbed the tip of his nose against Christian’s and watched as his

blondlashesflutteredandhiseyesclosed.Suchvulnerabilityinsuchamisleadingpackage.

Kevin let his ingers slide over that tattooed skin until his hands were running up

Christian’sspineinaslowandsoothingmotion.IfBlondiewantedhistouch,hewasthrilled
to comply. One hand wandered lower, dipping beneath the waistband and onto the still
chilledandwetskinofChristian’sassastheyoungermanreciprocated,combinghis ingers
throughKev’shair.Abruptly,hewasenfoldedinatightembracethatwaslikeaspotlighton
Christian’sfear.

Blondie nuzzled his neck and moaned as Kevin tightened his own grip and whispered

that it was going to be okay. Across the landing, the door to the master bedroom was open
andheguidedthemtoitwithoutbreakingcontact.Thebedwasblanketed in shadow from
the heavy storm clouds outside and it felt like much later in the day than it actually was. It
wasliketheywereretreatingintoahidingplace.

“Don’tstoptouchingme,”Christianpleaded.

231

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTEREIGHTEEN

ThedowncomfortersurroundedChristianasKevinpushedhimgentlybackonthebed.

His heart was swimming through a hundred different emotions, not the least of which was
defeat for giving in to attraction. Christian had every intention to be strong and stick to his
decision,butaswitheverythingelse,whenKevinsethissights,hewasunstoppable.Sothere
theywere…

The uncertainty was intense. In some ways, Christian was much stronger than he was

sixyearsagowhenheletKevintouchhimforthe irsttime,yet,inotherways,hefeltmuch
weaker. He kept thinking that Kevin’s hands and body moving over him made everything
else right and as long as he had that vital sensation, he could forget that there were any
otherissues.

What’sgoingtohappentomorrow?Thosewordskeptwhisperingthroughhismind.What

doesthismean?

Kevin kissed him again and the whispers silenced, then with that incredibly powerful

bodyrisingoverhim,Christianlethimselfgo.

“That’s it, Blondie, I’ve got you,” Kevin rasped, letting his hands trail downward over

Christian’schestandstomach,thenbackupagain.HekissedhiswaydownChristian’sneck
to the hollow of his throat and lingered there, pressing his lips gently to the skin before he
grazed over collar bone. When he bit Christian’s shoulder, goose bumps rose and skittered
downhisentireleftside.Asti ledgroanescapedandKevinsmiledbeforedroppingasweet
kissonhischin.

Christian’s heart looded with warmth. No one would look at Kevin and expect that

tough exterior hid such sweetness, but Kevin was lettingh i msee. One minute he had
Christianpowerlessbeneathhim,thenexthewashugginghimandplayfullykissinghimor
nuzzling his nose. The intimate knowledge humbled Christian and he was certain that if
Kevincouldreadhismind,he’dlockthatsecretsideuptight.

Christian lifted a hand and touched Kevin’s chest. A light dusting of dark hair covered

the valley between his pecs and he ran his ingers over it. His Marine was irm, built like a
pillar, and Christian absorbed the sight as his wish to get a glimpse of that body again was

inallygranted.Thetank-topfromtheothernightdidn’thidemuch,butnowthoserounded

muscleswerehistotouch.

Slowly,eyesdartingbacktoKevin’sinquestion,helethis ingersfalltothewaistband

of the other man’s briefs. Kevin didn’t stop him and shifted his hips forward so suddenly
Christian’s hand was illed with the blunt and hard evidence of his arousal. Kevin’s eyes
drifted shut and he bit down on his bottom lip as he rocked forward once more, the cotton
briefscreatingwhatmusthavebeenadeliciousfrictiononthesensitiveskin.

“Mmmm,”Kevingroaneddeeply.“More.”
Christiantriedtoshift,butdidn’thaveanywheretogo,straddledthewayhewas.With

a hand on Kevin’s hip, he moved just enough to give the man what he wanted—and what
Christiandesperatelywantedtogive.

KevinpresseduponhiskneesandcoveredChristian’shandwithoneofhisownashe

circled his hips so sensually it sent tingles up and down the length of Christian’s cock as he
watched. The Marine was such a mystery, hiding so much about himself; grace and

overpoweringeroticismwerejustsimmeringbeneaththesurface.

ChristianreachedagainforthatCalvinKleinwaistbandwithhisfreehand,leavingthe

other to continue it’s work against Kevin. He tugged down until he revealed the meeting of
musclescreatingthatbeautifulvabovethehintofdarkhair.KevinreleasedChristian’sother
hand and let him pull the other side of the fabric down until it grabbed Kev’s shaft and
pulleditforward.

Christianwrappedhis ingersaroundthebaseandreleaseditfromthebriefs,hiseyes

soaking in newly-bared skin and the rises and valleys of muscle leading to it. Kevin ran a
hand over his own abs before surrounding Christian’s hand once more so they were both
stroking him. That slow groove with his hips began and Christian couldn’t have formed
wordsifhetried.Thegrati icationinseeingKevinmoveabovehiminsuchhonestpleasure
waslikeanorgasmallbyitself.

He lifted his hips up, grazing that sensitive place between Kevin’s legs once, and then

again. Pulling back without losing contact with Christian’s body, Kev stood beside the bed
andslidhishandsupChristian’slegs.

“Iwon’tstoptouchingyou,”hepromised.“Nottonight.”
ChristianliftedhishipssothatKevincouldremovehisrain-soakedbriefsandarushof

shyness caught him off guard. He didn’t have a problem with nudity—hell no—but he
wasn’tusedtosuchlaidoutvulnerabilitylikethis.KevinpushedhisownCK’stherestofthe
waytothe loorandhemadesurethatsomepartofhisbodywasalwaysgrazingChristian’s
skin.

Fromhipbonetohipbone,hetracedthelinewherethetattoosstoppedwithhis inger.

Thatsame ingerdriftedtotheapexofChristian’sthighsandlightlyoverhisthrobbinghard
on from base to tip. Kevin sucked in a breath through his teeth as he looked down on
Christianandshookhisheadinamazement.

“Tellmewhereyouwantmetotouchyou…”
Christianlickedhislips.“Iwantyoutokissmeagain.Iwant…Iwantyoueverywhere.”
Kevinnoddedandtherewassomethingaboutthemovementthatwassomasculineand

sexual,likeChristianwasabouttobemastered.Hewassoreadyforit.

Kevin left off that delicate touch and spread his ingers, sliding his hand irmly from

Christian’scocktohisstomachandchest,untilitwasclaspedbehindhis neck. He squeezed
once and pulled Christian up with a quick snap so they were nose-to-nose, and eye-to-eye.
This time when he told Christian to open up, the demand was immediately met and he
ownedChristian’smouth.

The gentle touch of moments before was abandoned as a desperate passion took over.

KevinwasapowerfulmanandheusedthatstrengthashetuggedChristian’sheadbackand
doveindeeper.Histonguewaswarmandsweetevenasitcontrolled.

SweetJesus.I’mdying.
Christian’s ingers raked down Kevin’s back and he gripped the man’s ass to pull him

closerasthekissintensi ied.HesnaggedKev’sbottomlipinbetweenhisteethandbitdown
hardenoughtodrawablood.

Kevinjerkedhisheadback.“Youroughingmeup,Blondie?”Helookedatthebloodleft

behindonhisfingers.

Christianglared,unrepentant.“Justmarkingwhat’smine.”
KevingavethesamenodfromamomentbeforeandChristianwasreadyforwhatwas

coming this time. Lips slammed back down on his until he wasn’t sure it was only Kevin
bleedinganymore.

ThefrenziedkissneverstoppedasKevinkneltonthebedoneither side of Christian’s

legs,straddlinghimagain,butthistimewithchesttouchingchest.HefeltKevin’sdickjutting
hard against his stomach and he tore himself away from that demanding mouth to look
downbetweenthem.

“Fuck,”hewhispered.
“Yes,”Kevinhissedback,thentookhismouthagain.
Using a considerable amount of strength, Christian twisted to the side, throwing Kevin

onhisback.WhenhisMarinestartedtoriselikehewasn’tgoingtoallowit,Christianthrust
himbackdowntothemattressandlaidhisbodyoverthetopofKevin’s.Reachingbetween
them, he stroked Kevin’s dick once…twice, then grinned at the irritated, but aroused
expressiononKevin’sface;themanwasn’tonetobecontrolled.

“Unggh!”KevinpumpedupintohisgripanywayandagainChristianwasremindedofa

dancer—the kind that knew how to move his hips to arouse. It was the most erotic fucking
thinghe’deverseen,andhe’ddonetimeinafrathousewheresexwasking.

“Look at how you move…” he whispered and Kevin’s eyes shot to his. “God, just look at

you…”

Kevin grunted and abruptly pulled Christian down close so their cocks were pressed

tightly between them. “Move with me, then,” he growled and jacked off the bed, sending
Christianhipsinlinewithhisown.

Theirlegsintertwinedandtheyslowlybegantomovetogetheruntilasweatbrokeout

ontheirskinandtheywerepantingwiththebeautifulfrictioncreatedbytheircirclinghips.
Christian arched and his head fell back as his eyes closed tight. He’d come this way if they
didn’tstopsoon.

He could feel Kevin’s hands traveling from his hips over his glutes until one dropped

betweenhischeeks.His irstinstinctwastoclenchhisbodyandpullaway,butKevinnever
stopped their hips moving together and the dance continued, relaxing his muscles even as
hisdickweptinreadiness.

With his arms about to give out, he preemptively let his weight fall entirely on Kevin,

who took the opportunity to lip Christian onto his back and trade places. He knelt over
Christian but didn’t make another move, staring at him for a long moment, his chest still
heaving. Misunderstanding that look, Christian reached for the bedside table and fumbled
throughthedraweruntilhefoundallthosegood-timetreatsthatusuallyhungaroundsuch
aplace.

“You said ‘no’ outside,” Kevin breathed. “This is your last fucking chance to send me

away. But if you want this…” Kevin dropped his hand again to that sensitive place he’d
readied.“…tellme.”

An involuntary pulse kicked through Christian’s groin and he arched up, his legs

rubbingagainstKevin’s.Themanwantedhimtospeakrightnow?Seriously?

Christian managed to make a noise that wasn’t a clear yes or no and Kevin shook his

head.

“Answer,”heordered.“Iwantyoutobesure.”
Kevin’s hand was moving and teasing and Christian cursed. He was going to fucking

come!Hecouldn’tconcentrate,hisbodywasburning,thebloodwaspumpinghiscocksofull
hewaspainfullyhard.It’dbeensolong.Sodamnlong.Forever.Never.Hedidn’tevenknow…

“Christian!” Kevin barked and grabbed his jaw until their eyes were locked once more.

“Tellme!”

“Stay!” Christian gasped in surprise, the Gunnery Sergeant yell clearing some of his

sexualfog.“Yes…Iwantthis.”

Kevin responded instantly and though he was clearly the stronger of the two of them,

disposedtodominance,Christianknewthismanwouldneverphysicallyhurthim.

Slowlyat irst,gently,theirbodiesmetandstill,thepainoutweighedthepleasure.Fora

moment,Christianthoughthecouldn’tcontinue,butKevinloweredhisheadandwhispered
forhimtoholdon.HeteasedwithhislipsandtongueoverChristian’sskin,andbitbybit,he
drewChristianbackintothemoment.

Ashefelthisbodyresponding,hisdesirepulsingupfromwithin,Christianrealizedhe’d

wrapped his legs tightly around Kevin, gripping him closer. That delicious dance the other
mandidsowellbegananewandallconsciousthoughtwassweptasideasChristianstroked
himself.

It was so goddamn intense. The gentle thrusts became irm and overpowering until

Christianknewhewasbeingtakenover—hewasallthatKevinwasthinkingof—anditwas
thatsensationofuttersubmissionthatfinishedhim.

Witharoarofshockedsatisfaction,hiscockjumpedandspilledoverhisstomach.Kevin

grunted Christian’s name, thrusting powerfully, his muscles straining until veins stood out
beneathhisskinandsweatbeadedanddripped.

Christian pumped against Kevin and groaned as the man went taut above him. Then,

with a full-body shudder, Kevin gave a hoarse shout and gripped Christian’s hips so hard
thattherewouldbebruises.

He caught himself before collapsing completely on Christian, sweat dripping from him.

They were both silent as they caught their breath and the inal twitches of sated muscles
tooktheircourse.

Christiantouchedthatshort,darkheadofhair,sounexpectedlysoft,thenpulledKevin

closeruntilhecouldleaveagentlekissonhisforehead.Kevin,stillbreathingroughly,lifted
his mouth for the same treatment and Christian felt how swollen the man’s bottom lip was
fromthebite.

They kissed for a long time. Kisses that Christian would set apart forever in his mind.

Kevin slowly allowed his body to relax, holding back only enough so he wouldn’t crush
Christian.Thethunderhammeredonoutsidethewindow;therainclosingtheminuntilthe
worldwasthatking-sizedbedandeachother.

241

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERNINETEEN

Kevin didn’t know how long he’d been asleep, but when he opened his eyes, the room

was dark and the rain had stopped. The only light was from one of the neighborhood
streetlightsgleamingthroughthewindowandacrossthebed.Helookedaroundforthetime
andwhenhesawtheglowingalarmclockhiseyeswidened.Itwasafterten.Damn!

Heranahandoverhisfaceandletoutasigh.Sexmadehimsogroggy.Andhungry.Food

wouldbeverygoodrightnow.Asandwich.Applepie.Asteak.Frenchfries.Aturkeydinner.
Everythingsoundedgood.Hewantedallofit.

Agentleshiftofthemattressbroughthisheadaroundandhetooktherareopportunity

toobserveChristianwithouthimbeingawareofit.Theywerebothspent,butitlookedlike
Blondie was going to be out for the count for a while yet. His breathing was deep and even
andhe’drolledoverontohisstomachwithonearmclutchingapillow.Hishairwaspointing
ineverydirection.

Kevinstartedtosmilethenwinced.Hislipwastrashedthankstohisveryowntattooed

bloodletter. Who knew Christian had it in him? That bite was vindictive—meant to make
Kevinangryandpushhimovertheedge,anditworked.Hislipwasswollenandhistongue
was worrying away at the opened skin inside his mouth. God only knew what the outside
lookedlike.

It pissed Kevin off, actually. He’d have to go into work jacked up like this and create a

plausiblestorythatwouldn’tmakeitseemlikeheusedtheweekendtobrawl.Partofhisjob
was setting an example and it wouldn’t matter if he told the younger Marines not to get
crazy on their off time if he came in looking like that rule didn’t apply to him. He cursed
underhisbreathanddabbedathislip.

HiseyestraveledbacktoChristianandasquietlyashecould,herolledtohissidesohe

couldreallylookatthosetattoosupclose.Hehadtosquinttoseewhatwasvisibleinthetiny
bitoflighthehad.Grabbingthesheet,hedelicatelypulleditdownuntilChristian’sbackwas
exposedallthewaytotheriseofhisbuttocks.Hepusheduponanelbowtogetabetterlook
andgasped.

The ight scene he’d noticed earlier was amazing; starting on Christian’s left shoulder,

moving across to the right, then traveling downward in a v. Kevin didn’t know how else to
describe the phantom-man other than calling him just that, but the drawings of him were
almosttoogood.TheywerecreepyinawaythathewassureChristianintended.Thenormal
guyinthetattoowastryingto ightbackthroughthescene,onlyto lailagainstsmoke.When
thephantomcoalescedintosolidformtheattackslookedbrutal.

Kevinwishedheknewwhatitmeant.
He leaned over a little farther to read the print above the men ighting, his eyes

strainingtosee,andhisheartconstricted.

AndsoIdeclaremydependence,Usethisformaspenance,Impossibletosuspendthis…Alife

markedbyWHATIF.

That shit was really depressing. Lower on Christian’s side was a drawing that looked

innocent enough, spreading from the v of the ight scene at the small of his back and
continuingaroundtohisstomach.Kevin’smoodliftedalittleashelookeditoverbecauseit
didn’tseemtohaveanydarkundertones.Itwasanoceanscene.Hewasstaringattheway

the waves were drawn when he noticed something that he’d missed at irst glance. A hand
wasjuttingupoutofthewater, ingersspreadwideandclawingattheair.Allhecouldseeof
thepersonwasthathand.Christianhadatattooofapersondrowning.

Goddamn.
Kevinlookedupto indChristian’seyesopen,glitteringwarilyinthedarkness.Hedidn’t

know what to say and the sensation that he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t
bubbled up fast. Christian leaned over and turned on the bedside lamp to its dimmest
settingandKevinwasmomentarilyblinded.

“Yourlip’sfucked.”Christianmurmuredhoarsely,breakingthesilence.
Kevin’stongueinstantlywenttothebitemarkandhecockedabrowinirritation.“Yeah,

Inoticedthat.”

“Doesithurt?”heasked.
A bit.Kevin’s eyes darted away from Christian’s and back over the tattoos before

returning to that hazel stare. He eventually shook his head. “Did you do it so I’d have to
explainwhereitcamefrom?”

Christian turned his head into the pillow and groaned in frustration. “Did you even

listentoanythingIsaidtoyououtside?”Heliftedhisheadbutdidn’tlookatKevin.“Ididit
becauseIwascaughtup,notbecauseIthoughtitwouldforceyourhand.”

“Justasking,Christian.Itmakessensethatsomeonemightdothat.”
“YoumeanthatImightdothat.”
“Ididn’tsaythat.”
“Maybe not so long ago I would’ve pulled a stunt like that, but not today.” Christian

pusheduponhiselbows,themusclesofhisarmsandback lexing.“I’msorry.Iwasn’ttrying
tobeunderhanded.WhatIsaidtoyouearlierwasn’teasytosay,youknow.It’snotlikemeto
be open about crap like this. Or tell you that we probably shouldn’t be together when it’s
prettymuchallIwant.”

Kevinbelievedhim,buthewasn’tgoingtoletChristiancontinuethinkingthattheidea

ofthetwoofthemtogetherwasn’tsimpatico.“Oh,we’regoingtobetogether,”heargued.

Christian laughed humorlessly and tugged the sheet back up awkwardly until most of

hisbackwascovered.“Wereyoutryingtosneakapeekofmyass?”

Kevin reached out and pushed the other man’s hands away, drawing the sheet down

again.“Whydoyouhidethisfromme?Whatareyouafraidof?”

That telling signal—Christian running a hand over his mouth—made Kevin watch him

even closer. His Blondie was almost twitchy with his need to drag that sheet up a second
time.

“I’m not afraid,” he began, then sagged like he’d given up. “Fuck—yes. I am. Of a lot of

things,butit’spersonal.Mybodyis,like,sixyearsofsymbolism.”

“You let my sister see your tattoos,” Kevin observed, not exactly hiding the jealousy in

histone.

“Notbychoice;Iwasn’tshirtlesssoIcouldshowoff,”heansweredsharply.
“Wejusthadsexandthey’restilltoopersonaltoshowme?Whywouldyougetallthese

tattoosifyoudon’twantpeopleseeingthem?”

Christian sighed. “The tattoos are forme. They remindme—” He paused, searching for

words.“They’relikepicturesoffeelingsI’vehad.Iknowwhatit’sliketobelost.Tohatewho
Iamandfeelunabletobridgethegaptobeingabetterperson.Iknowallaboutde icits.My
inkisawaytorememberwhoIwanttobeasopposedtowhoIam,orwhoIwas.”

Kevinlookedatthetattooedhandcomingoutofthewater,the ightscene,andeventhe

manplummetingtothegroundthatwasonChristian’sarm.Hedidn’tunderstandhowthat
stuffcouldbepositive.Therewereplentyofconcernshehadabouttakingtheleapwiththis
manlyingbesidehim,buthis irstinstinctwastoprotectandmakesurethepeoplehecared
aboutweresafe.KevinwantedverymuchtolookafterChristian.

Carefully, he extended a hand and let it run across the ight scene, feeling the very

subtle rise and fall of the inked lines. “Can you explain it?” When Christian shook his head
immediately,Kevinslidcloser.“Please?”heasked.

Foramomentitseemedlikehewasn’tgoingtogetanythingandrightaboutthetimehe

wasdrawinghishandback,Christianspoke.

“Whatdoyouwanttoknowabout?Thefightscene?”heblurted.
“Any of it. Tell me about any of it. The words, the ocean scene you have over here…”

Kevin touched each piece as he spoke. “It’s amazing artwork, man, but it’s soheavy. A little
scaryeven.”

Christian nodded like he was accepting the compliment and the critique at the same

time. “Yeah, well… I guess you can look at it this way: It was easier for me to think and live
like I wasn’t hiding anything before I met you,” he practically whispered and Kevin barely
movedsohecouldhear.“AfterIranfromyouthatmorninginCabo,Iwentbacktomyhotel,
packed my crap, and went home. I wanted to get as far away from you as I could because,
well,youknowwhynow.But,therealizationsI’dignoredwerepoppingupnonstopbecauseI
couldn’tpretendafterCabo.

“I thought my friends would see the truth on my face, or they’d know where I was all

nightandwhatI’dbeendoing.It’slikeIcheatedonsomeone,andafterward,Iwasashamed
andscaredI’dbefoundoutandtheworldwouldlearnthetruth.”

Christian met Kevin’s eyes and they were hollowed out with memories. Even with his

own remembered hurt from years ago, Kevin found himself feeling sorry for that younger
Christian.

“WhenIgothome,Iwentonaforgettingbinge.Women…God,lotsofwomen.I’dgetso

wasted that who they were didn’t matter anymore. And I hated it. I did everything I could
think of to pretend I never met you, but I couldn’t get rid of your number. That was like a
lineIwouldn’tcross.IwasbattlingwithmyselfandIwaslosingevenwhenIthoughtIwas
winning.EvenwhenIwasburiedinrelationshipswithwomenwhohadnocluethatthey’d
neverbewhoIwanted.”HepointedoverhisshoulderwithathumbandKevinautomatically
followedthemovement.

“I’vehadnothingbutturmoilaboutwhoIamforyears—andyoudon’thavetotellme

it’s my own damn fault, or that I was a coward.” Christian explained how he’d always used
arttodeflateandhandlestressandKevinkeptstaringathisskin,listening.“Ifilleddozensof
sketchbooksafterwemet.Idrewsomehorribleshit,straightoutofthepitinsideofme.Dark
stuff…Someofitmadeitonmybody.IttookmesixyearstofigureouthowIwantedtodraw
that feeling of always being at war, ighting against this part of me that I couldn’t defeat. I
drewthatscene.It’showI’vefeltformywholelife,especiallywhenIwasouted.”

His words trailed off and it was obvious Christian was embarrassed by what he’d

revealed. He snatched the sheet up once more and Kevin grabbed his wrist and squeezed,
stoppinghim.

“Don’t,”heordered,thenletgoofChristian’shandtoputanarmaroundhimandpull

him closer. He wanted to ask about being outed, but not for the right reasons. He kissed
Christian’s shoulder, wincing again as his lips made contact, and with his mouth beneath
Blondie’sear,heasked,“Areyouunhappynow?Doyoustillfeellikeyou’refighting?”

Christian shyly turned his head into Kevin’s kiss. “I’m confused now. I’m worried that

I’mgoingtoexplodeinahundredmillionpieces.Maybeit’sdifferentbecauseI’mfightingfor
somethingdifferent,butIwonderifthat’salosingbattle,too.”

“Neversurrender,”KevinnuzzledChristian’scheek,drawinginthescentofhisskinand

followinghisneedtobestrongforothers.

“SemperFi?”Christiangrinned.
“Ooo-rah.”
“Givemesomethingtofightfor,GunnerySergeant.”
Kevinchuckled.“IdidwhenIsaidyestodinner.”

***

They lay quietly beside each other for a long time after that; Christian stretched tight

against him, one arm thrown across his chest. From this vantage point Kevin could see the
compassrosetattoo.Hethoughtmaybeheunderstoodthatonewithoutanexplanation.

Christian fell asleep at some point and even with a growling stomach and a screaming

bladder,Kevincouldn’tbringhimselftomove.It’dbeensolongsincehe’dheldanotherman
this way, and yet, he’d never really held a man like he held Christian, had he? This was so
closeand,well,itwastender.KevinhadonlydonetenderthattimeinCabo.Suddenly,itwas
nolongeranissuethathewasfeelingitagainwiththesameman.

Heneededtogohome,though.Hisphonewasinhistruckandhehadn’ttoldRisawhere

hewasgoingwhenheleft—heglancedattheclock—morethansixhoursago.Shit.Hereally
hadtogo.

Christian was breathing deeply and Kevin had to make like melting butter to slide out

from beneath his arm without waking him. He pulled the blankets up over Blondie’s back
and fought the urge to drop a kiss on his forehead. There was no sense in letting all that
touchy-feelystuffscramblehisbrain.

Kevin hunted around the room for a second until he found his underwear kicked

halfwaybeneaththebed,andhisballsrocketedintohisstomachwhenhesteppedintothe
coldanddampfabric.Fuck,that’sfreezing!

Tiptoeingaroundthebed,hewasreachingforthelightonthesidetablewhenChristian

sighed quietly in his sleep. It was a peaceful sound and Kevin almost smiled before he
rememberedhislip.

Fuck it, he thought, and leaned down to drop a swift kiss against Christian’s temple.

Blondiesmelledgood.Kevinwasgoingtocarrythatscenthomewithhim.

Hesnappedoffthelightandmadehiswaydownstairsinthedark.Asinglelightabove

thestovewasonandhegrowledwhenhesawhisjeanswaddedinasoakingpile.Hecould
makeadashfortheJeepinhisunderwearandt-shirt.Puttingonwetjeansrankedhighon
hislistofThingsToAvoidDoing.Ever.

Ittookhim iveminutesto indascrapofpapertoscribbleonandhekeptitshortand

sweet.Blondie: You know my number. Kev. He even drew a crappy little heart in front of his
name; the impulse to do so he blamed on lack of food and possible delirium. He used the
headdownstairs,andlockedthesliderbeforeleavingthroughthefrontdoor,makingsureit
wasalsolockedbehindhim.

ThelightsonhisJeeps lashedasheapproachedandhethrewhimselfinsidequicklyon

the off chance that someone was witnessing his race to the car sans pants. His workout bag

wasinthebackseatandKevinwrestledaroundbehindthesteeringwheelpullingonapair
ofgreenPTshorts.Theywerebetterthansoggyunderwear.

Hewishedhecouldstay.Hewishedhehadn’twaiteduntilSundaynighttocomeoverso

thattheyhadthewholeweekendtogether,buthislifewasactuallytoocomplicatedforthat
andheknewit.Checkinghisphone,hefeltawaveofreliefthathehadn’tmissedanycalls.
Maybe Risa would be asleep when he got home and he could sneak in with her none the
wiser.

There was hardly any traf ic and he made the drive in ifteen minutes to ind an

unfamiliar Chevy in his driveway. Kevin blocked it in, grabbed his wet clothes and walked
aroundtothefrontdoor,over-protectivebrothermodekickingin.

A light was on in the kitchen, but he couldn’t see if anyone was in the living room

throughthecurtains.Heunlockedandopenedthedoorquietly,freezinginhistracks.

Jack was stretched out on the sofa, eyes wide open and focused on Kevin. Risa was

squeezedinbesidehim,asleep,withherheadonhischest.Jacksarmswerewrappedaround
herprotectivelyandhewasalmostsmiling.

Kevin shook his head and realized his lips were pulling back like they wanted to smile,

too.Thebottomonewassimplytooswollentodoso.Hewasmomentarilygladitwastoodark
forJacktonoticethedamage.

“She likes you,” he whispered and his best friend nodded once, his half-smile abruptly

becomingagrin.

Kevinpointedathiswatch,silentlyaskingwhattimeJackgotin.
Seventhirty,hemouthedback.
Rubbingathiseyeslikehewascrying,Kevinthenpointedathissister.
Jacknodded.Alot.
Kevinletoutthebreathofalaugh.“She’snotcryinganymore,”hewhisperedagain.
Nope.
Kevin pointed up the stairs and then lashed four ingers in the air. He had less than

threehoursofsleepaheadofhimifhefellasleepexactlywherehewasstanding.

Jackwavedhimawayandsettledcontentedlyintothecushions.
Halfway up the stairs, Kevin bent over the railing and warned with a hiss, “Slice and

dice,Jack!”Hisbuddydidn’teventrytofliphimoff;itmustbelove.

253

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWENTY

JackwasaloneonthecouchandsleepingdeeplywhenKevinleftforworkaroundfour

ifteen.Risawasinherownbed,herlightonasusual,andKevinwasgladhedidn’thaveto

sneakpastthemwithabagfullofgear,tiptoeinginheavyboots.Hewasalittlelikeazombie
afterthelasttwelvehoursandstealthwasabsentfromhisusualbagoftricks.Thinkinghe’d
get in to work early to avoid a landslide of shit about his lip, which felt fucking awful, he
didn’tcountontheXObeingtheretogreethim.

“GoodLord!Whochewedonyourface?”theCaptainasked,peeringathisliplikeitwas

oozing.

“It’snotlikethat,sir.Igothitinthefacewitha…uh…tennisracket,”Kevinblurted,then

almostsworeoverhisownstupidity.The“uh”wouldn’treallyhelpsellthestory.

“Sincewhendotennisracketshaveteeth?”TheXOsquintedtogetabetterlook.“Ican

seethebruisemarks.”

Kevin’s body linched in surprise and he swung around to look into a mirrored

Company award plaque hanging on the wall. He jutted his lip forward and the XO sort of
squeezedinbesidehim,pointing.

“See?…Rightthere.Teethmarks.”
Fucking hell!Thebruisehe’dshruggedoffinhismirrorathomewasactuallyaseries of

tinybruises,clearlyrecognizableasabite.Goddamn,Christian!

“Whatareyoutwodoing?”
Kevin and the XO turned to ind the Company CO watching them with an odd

expression,andtheysimultaneouslyrealizedhowclosetheywereinthepassageway,staring
intoanawardplaque.TheybothhoppedbackandKevintriedtosuckhislipin,butitwasa
lostcause.Itwasgoingtobealong-assday.

“Morning,sir,”theXOgrinned.“Don’tmindhim,”hejerkedhisthumbKevin’sdirection,

“histennisracketbithimintheface.”

The CO stepped in for a closer look, and not even caring about his Gunnery Sergeant’s

pride,laughedinhisface.“YouwannaknowwhatI’ddoifIwereyou?”heasked.

Kevinknewhewasgoingtogetalotofcrapoverthenextfewdaysnomatterwhathe

did,soheswalloweddowntherisingmortificationandnodded.Whatelsewastheretodo?

“I’d leave her.” The CO grinned, picking his bags up off of the loor and disappearing

intohisoffice.

Her?AGirlfriend?Yeah…aboutthat…
TheXOwasstillbesidehim,grinninglikeanevilmonkey.Kevinhalf-smileduntilhislip

gaveatwinge—whenwouldheremembernottodothat?—andhemadehisownescape.

“Tennisracket,”heheardtheXOlaughingashewalkedtheotherway.
Kevindidn’tspendmorethan iveminutesinhisof ice.Hetossedhisphoneinhisdesk

drawer, locked it, and left for the armory. The Company was leaving base at ive thirty to
head out to the combat town and as always, he was overseeing weapons and simulated
ammunition issue. Somebody would show up with a problem before they even set out; he
couldcountonit.AtleasttheMRE’swerealreadytakencareof.

Workinginthebackground,hewatchedasMarines ilteredinsomewhatsleepily,signed

outri les,andheadedbacktothemeetingpointandthewaitingtrucks.Hedidn’tletmostof

them see his lip, but the few who caught a glance gave whiplash-fast double takes. When
theyactedliketheywereabouttoask,he lickedhis ingersatthem,wavingthemoff.Oneof
the Fucking New Guys even got half of his question out before Kevin gave him a blistering
glare.

“Getyoureyesoffofme,younastything,”heordered.
TheFNGdidashewastoldandalmostknockedtwoMarinesoveronhiswayoutofthe

armory.TheysnickereduntiltheysawKevin’sfaceandcurbedtheamusementfast.

Noneofyourbusiness,grunts.Movealong.
TheXOandCOcameinlast,takingissuedM-4shortstocksandM-9Berettas.Kevinwas

goingoutwithonlyanM-9becausehewasgoingtobealloverLogan’sAlley,takingcareof
all sorts of junk and carrying both would probably end up a hindrance to actually
accomplishinghisjob.

In the lot where they would pile onto the trucks, Kevin stepped in amongst the

Companyandlookedaround.Theywerebusygabbingandmaybeitwashislip,orhislackof
sleep, or his general morning irritation, but he didn’t have any patience forGuess what
MaloneydidonSaturday!Yougottahearthis!bullshit.

“Hey!”heshoutedonceandeverybodyshutupandbackedoffuntilhewasliterallythe

centerofattention.Thecirclearoundhimwidenedlikehewasabouttostartabreakdance
battle.“TheCOandXOwillbehereinaminute,soifyouweren’tissuedMREsoraradio,if
you’resupposedtohaveone,putyourdickskinnersintheair.”

Nobodymoved.
“Good,”hesnarledandsteppedbackouttothecircle’sperimeter.
TheCOandXOcamenotlongafterandtheCompanylistenedtotheCaptaintalkfora

minuteabouttheallimportantSAM-K:Suppress,Assess,Move,Kill.

“You’ve heard it a thousand times,” the CO said, his voice soft in the stillness, “but I’m

going to say it again because it’s vital and somebody here is going to screw it up. If you’re
receiving ire on approach to an objective where you intend to make entry and eliminate a
threat, SAM-K gives you a quick cycle of operation to fall back on. Fire and movement. Fire
andmaneuver.Thisisgoingtobeabusythreedays.Don’tforgetthebasics—knowyourjob
andtheobjectives.Ifwegottatakethisoldschoolallthewaydowntobattlebuddytraining,
wewill.”

Ontheroadahalfhourlater,Kevintookadvantageofthemomentaloneandlethimself

thinkaboutChristian.Hepicturedthatsmile,whichledtothoughtsofhisfaceastheykissed,
movedtogether,andhisexpressionashecame.

Kevin dropped his head and fought off a pleasurable little shiver. Things were coming

togetherwiththemandsurprise,itwasn’tChristiancreatingtheholdup.WhenKevinlooked
past the doubts that inevitably arose when he pictured arealrelationship, and when he
allowedhimselftoenjoythesafeandprotectedmomentswithChristian,itwaseasytothink
thathecouldmakeitoverthehump.HecouldtellRisa.Hecouldbefreetolovesomebody…

Fantasizing about family dinners and conversation wasn’t really Kevin’s style, but he

couldsortofseeit.IfRisagottoknowChristian,she’dprobablylikehim,inpartbecausehe
wassochallenging.Therewasn’tasinglepersoninhissister’slifewhowasn’trougharound
theedgesandthatincludedKevin.

Herememberednottosmile,butitdidn’tmatterbecauseonlysecondslaterherealized

he’dmadeahugemistakeandalldesiretosmiledisappeared.

The note he left on Christian’s counter all but told Blondie to call him.“You know my

number.” Yet, his phone was locked up tight in his desk drawer because under orders, they

weren’tallowedtocarrytheminthefield.

“Shit,”hewhispered.
He’dnevermentionedhewasleavingtowntoanyonebutRisaandhe’dbeoutoftouch

forthreedays.Christianwouldstarttothinktheworst.Itwouldlookliketheyscrewedand
Kevinwalkedout.

“Inevertoldhim…”hesaidinanguish,staringblanklyathishandsinhislap.
“Nevertoldwhowhat?”TheXOasked,glancingatKevin’slip.

***

“Errmmm,”Christiangroanedandstretchedastheradioalarmbrokeintohispeace.He

lay quietly for a moment with his eyes still closed, listening to the voices iltering into his
wakingbrain.

I’mnaked,hethought.Naked.
He jerked up to a sitting position. Whats and Wheres and Whys lew through his head

andhelookedaroundtheroominadaze.Allalone.

“Kevin,”hecroakedoverthesoundoftheradio.“Youhere?”
Christian tossed aside the blankets and stood up; his stomach was sticky and the room

was…fragrant.

“TheSmellofSex,”hegrumbled.“ApoembyChristianBlakely.”
Hemadeagaggingnoisewhenhesteppedonhisstill-dampunderwearbesidethebed.

Ew.

“Kevin,” he called out, louder this time, and slapped the radio off. He had the sneaking

suspicionthatitwouldn’tmatterifhebellowedtheman’sname.Therewasn’tgoingtobea
response.

Shuf lingtothebathroom,hedidn’tlookinthemirrorashepassedbytotakealeak.He

had a serious sex hangover. His body wasn’t just sore, it was fuckingsore. His hips were
bruised, and as he looked himself over, he saw more fading marks and some scratches
intermingled with his tattoos. No surprise there, but bruises were nothing compared to
wakingupalone.Thatwasunexpected.

Christianthrewonapairofsweatsandatthetopofthestairshemadeonelastgood-

faitheffortandcalledKevin’sname.TheimageofaMarine-madebreakfastwasimmediately
laugheddowninhismind.Noonewascallingupstairs,tellingChristiantohurryup.

The living room was empty and a quick look out the front door revealed no Jeep

Wrangler.Inthekitchen,Kevin’sclothesweremissing.

“He goes into work early,” he told himself in an attempt to stave off the hurt that had

immediatelyrisen,thenglancedattheclock.Itwasn’tevenfiveforty-five.IfKevinleftashort
time ago, Christian was con ident it would’ve awakened him. Since he’d been blissfully
unawareofhissolitude,thatmeantKevmust’veleftmuchearlier.

At a loss, he looked around until he spotted a note written in perfect block-shaped

letters.Allcaps.Helungedforitandbroughtitbackunderthelightfromoverthestove.

Blondie:Youknowmynumber.Kev
Christian frowned and read it again. A little terse, wasn’t it? Everything that happened

yesterdayandallhecanmanageis—hepausedtocount—sixwords?“Ionlygetsix words!”
hesnappedloudly.

That’swhenthetinylittleheartregistered.

Kevin drew aheart on a note to him. Was he actually trying to be cute? Was that it?

Maybe that’s all it was. Kev left quietly because he didn’t want to disturb him and took the
timetowriteanotewhenthatreallywasn’thisthing…

MaybehisMarinewasbeingsweet.
Andmaybehewasalsohidingbecausehe’ddonesomethingadorableanddidn’twant

tostickaroundtogetaccusedofittohisface.Aheartwasabiggerdealthanasmileyfaceon
atextmessage.Kevinwastryingtogivehimsomethingtobelievein—hehadtobe.Trusting
thatrealizationwasexactlywhatheneededtodo.

Feeling better, he smiled and took the note with him back up stairs. He had spin class,

but there was no way in hell he was going today. A bicycle seat sounded like a fresh new
torturerightaboutnow.It’dhavetobethepoolinstead.

As Christian gathered what he needed and tossed it into a Nike bag, he found himself

smiling. He could call Kevin a little later and see if he wanted to get together for another
dinner. They could go out or stay in…whatever. He just wanted to see the man’s face in the
daylightandmakesurewhathappenedwasreallyokay.

He never thought they’d be together again like they were the night before. Even

runningintoKevinattheracewassomethinghe’dthoughtofonlyintheabstract,butnow,
they’dmetasecondtime,they’dtalked,they’dbeenonadate.They’dslepttogether.Andas
muchasChristianhadreplayedthenightinCaboSanLucasinhismindovertheyears,the
speci icshadgrowndim,orhadbeencloudedbytheadrenalineandfearhe’dexperienced
back then. Last night was visceral. Erotic as hell. Tender. When he closed his eyes he saw
Kevin’s hips rolling, his muscles lexing, his hands gripping. He saw green eyes lidded with
sexual need and he tasted that blood on his lips. The images were sharp; they ran through
everycolorinthespectrum.TheyweremorethanChristianeverthoughthe’dexperience.

This was a relationship. This could go somewhere. The two of them could be together

and perhaps Kevin would talk to Risa. Christian would get to meet her under better
circumstances. There had to be a way of balancing Kevin’s needs with his own; Mark was
right. If this meant enough to Christian, he couldn’t back down. He could already tell that
he’d have to ight to make sure he didn’t let his need for Kevin steamroll other needs. He
meantitwhenhesaidhedidn’twanttobeasecret,buthealsoknewhecouldbepatient.

ChristianshouldcallMarkandgivehimanupdate,too.Theycouldlaughwhenhesaid,

“Kevincameoverandputitonme…”

All the way to the gym, Christian sang along with the radio, and stuck at a red light he

saidwithagrin,“I’mfinallygettingthingsright.”

The nervous excitement stayed with him through the pool workout and the rest of the

morning.Atlunchheclosedhisof icedoorandspunhisdeskchairtofacethewindowashe
dialedKevin’snumber.Hewassentstraighttovoicemail.Almostimmediatelythedoubtfrom
the morning crept up and tackled him from behind. Christian had to give himself another
peptalk,imaginingKevininmeetings,orwithadeadphonebatterythatmadeitimpossible
togetthrough.Logically,therewereallsortsofreasonsthiswouldhappen.

Hestillhadthenotewiththeheartonit,afterall.
Calmingdown,hefocusedontheusualMondayworkthatcroppedupafteraweekend

ofraceevents.Hehadahugepileofcommentsthatmadeitthroughthe irstcullingbystaff
toenduponhisdesk.Apparentlythere’dbeensomeproblemswithweatherinWashington
ataracewiththehighestturnoutonrecord.It’dcausedadownhillslidewithotheraspects
of the event and people were writing complaints that he would have to forward on to God
andMotherNaturebecausetherewasnothingChristiancoulddoaboutrain,mud,andtheir

relationshipwithcartiresorweakankles.

Sevenhourslater,afterablessedlybusyday,Christiansatdownbehindthewheelofhis

Hummer and checked his phone, hoping for a returned call or a text message, but no joy.
Frowningathisphonealittledesperately,hedialedKevinandwhenhewassentstraightto
voicemailagain,hecursedandtosseditintothepassengerseat.

ThiswasunlikeKevin.Notevenashorttexttosayhewastoobusytotalk,orthathe’d

beawayfromhisphone?Theguycould’vechargedadeadbatterybynowandtheworkday
wasover.

UnlesshewasavoidingChristian.
“Itcouldn’tbethat,”hesaidaloud.“Hewantsthis.”
Ordidhegetwhathewantedandthatwasit?Wasitreallyrevengehe’dbeenafter—

teachingChristianalesson?

“Fuckthis,”hesnarledandstartedtheengine.“He’llcallyou,asshole.”

***

MREshadcomealongwaysinceKevinjoinedtheMarines.Hecouldrememberwhenhe

had to chow down on chicken a la king that took forever to make. Nowadays, they were
eating packaged lasagna, peanut butter crackers and M&Ms. This evening’s fare even came
withafruitpunchpackettoaddtohiswaterifhesodesired,whichhedid.

Fruitpunchwasdamndelicious.
Kevin was currently hunkered down in the lee of a “bombed out” building with the

Marinesfromthe1stSquadof2ndPlatoon.Afterhe inishedeating,hewasgoingtomakea
dash to where the 2nd and 3rd Squads had holed up to evacuate two Marines with
simulatedwoundsthatrequiredattention.Thelatestradioreportwasthatthemenwerein
criticalbutstablecondition;therewasnowaytheycouldcontinueontheassault,however.

Kevin took another gulp of his punch and gingerly chewed on his last cracker. The

swelling in his lip and mouth had gone down a little, but Christian had done some damage.
Kevin was tender and the second anything salty touched the cut inside his lip, he felt the

iery burn all the way to his bones. A little more pressure last night and the bite would’ve

goneallthewaythrough.Itprobablydidn’thelpthatafterwardthey’dcontinuedkissinglike
itwasamatteroflifeordeath.

The XO—he’d stopped by to discuss something with the Platoon Sergeant—paused at

hissideandlookeddownatKevinwithasmirk.HenoticedhowcarefullyKevinwaschewing
andletoutalaugh.“Girlproblemsgotyoudown?”

The Sergeant overheard and didn’t quite manage to smother his laughter. Kevin gave

them both a withering look, but with the lull in the exercise, it was a prime time to have a
littlefunathisexpense.

“Yousurvivedthefirstknownattackbytennisracket.”
Kevin would’ve responded if his peanut butter cracker hadn’t glued his tongue to the

roof of his mouth. The Sergeant wisely kept silent, but his smile was stretching. One of the
cheekiestbastardsinthecompanydecidedheshouldgetinvolved,however,andthesecond
Kevinheardtheguy’svoiceherolledhiseyes.

Herewego,hethought.
“IheardtheCaptainsayitwasafemaletennisracket.Thosearetwiceasdeadly.”
As everyone in hearing distance laughed, Kevin caught a comment over his shoulder

thatmadehisbodytighten.

“I’dbetmoneyitwasnofemale…”
KevinturnedandmadeeyecontactwiththeMarinefromthebowlingalley—aCorporal

and 1st Squad’s leader—whose smug expression was garnering attention. Even the XO
noticed,hissmilefading.

“You hittin’ on me, Marine?” Kevin said softly, a warning hidden beneath the calm

question.

The Corporal shrugged noncommittally. “Something tells me you’re a gentleman who

prefersblonds,GunnerySergeant.Tallones.Withtattoos.”

Kevinpausedforasecondtoclosethelidonhiswaterbottleandtuckitaway,thenhe

stood very slowly, nodding like he’d thought of something profound. The XO’s eyes were
darting back and forth between the Corporal and Kevin, his expression edgy. Everyone
crowdednexttothebuildingwaswatching.Kevinknewtheyoungerguyssurroundinghim
weresurelylookingatthisasanopportunityforintelontheclose-mouthedCompanyGunny.

“You open your mouth and talk in front of decent company like you know me,” Kevin

said,saunteringalittlecloserwithasmileonhisfacethatdidn’tmatchtheaggressivelines
of his body. Sensing that something was off, the XO stayed at his side. Kevin knew that his
boss would lay into both of them if necessary, but so far neither of them had said anything
thatwarrantedanofficialass-chewing.

“I know something these guys don’t know,” the Corporal said, his jaw jutting out

defensively.“Likehowyouscoredafterbowling.”

This guy had shit for brains and a mouth that spewed the contents. He was the type

who’dservethedurationofhisobligationandleavetheCorpsbecausehedidn’tunderstand
thebasicsaboutbeingaMarine.Noonewouldtrusthim.Hewasn’tevenpromotablepulling
stuntslikethis.Hewasanunhappylittlemaggot.Andabigot.

“I did score,” Kevin said icily. “Tell your mom I’m sorry I didn’t call.” The entire squad

hissed andooohed. The XO shifted at the same moment the Corporal muttered “faggot”
underhisbreath,butKevinheardit.

Before he could smash the shitbird into a million pieces, the XO put a staying hand on

his arm. “Gunny, go away,” he growled, then turned to glare at the squad leader. “Corporal,
whydon’tyousityourassdownandshutyourmouth.”

Kevin stepped away from the squad and cursed himself. He’d given away more in his

reaction to the fucking Corporal than the guy’s words would have. This was just what he
didn’tneedhappening!

TheXOcameupbesidehim,clearlyfrustrated.“Ishouldn’thavestartedthatinfrontof

a guy who’s obviously too immature to handle the way things are nowadays, but you don’t
haveanyexcuseeither.You’reaGunnerySergeantandyoustoopedtohislevel.Youcould’ve
walkedawaywithoutacknowledginghim.”

ThewordswerelikeicecubesonKevin’snuts.Hehadthereprimand coming, but that

wasn’t what bothered him.“..the way things are nowadays…” Kevin knew exactly what his
boss was getting at. There wasn’t any other way for him to hint that he’d igured it out
withoutmakingthembothcringeindiscomfort.HisXOknew.AndallbecauseKevincouldn’t
let some kid’s comments roll off of him, or hide the fact that the man he had insanely good
sexwithlastnightnearlybitachunkoutofhisface.

Hedidn’twantthisinformationoutthere.Didanybodygetthat?
Good ol’ Jack could talk all day long about how he knew it could be uncomfortable for

Kevintobegayandintheservice,butsayingthatwasn’tthesameasbeinginKevin’sshoes.

AsidefromRisa,theCorpswashisworld.He’dworkedhisassofffromdayoneofbootcamp
because he chose this life and knew it was right for him. Kevin belonged in the Corps; he
knewhisjobandhediditwell.Thislifeinvestmentofhiswouldsuddenlybecomesomething
towhisperabout.

Kevindidn’twanttobeaposterchildforgaymeninuniform.Itwasoneaspectofwho

hewasandithadabsolutelynothingtodowithhowhecarriedouthiswork,buthefeltlike
none of that would matter once people heard. He wanted to be with who he wanted to be
with,sure,buthewantedeverythingelsetostaythesame.

DidJackgetthat?DidChristiangetthat?
Would the same thing happen when he told Risa? Would he no longer be the big

brotherwholovedhermorethanlifeandprotectedher,butsomeoneelseentirely?

Thiswasn’taboutpridetohim.He’dneverlookedathissexualorientationassomething

to be proud of or not. It was just another part of who he was, like having green eyes or
comingfromanIrishheritage.Thosethingsjustwere,andhewas inewiththem,buthewas
deeplyproudof his work. He was proud of the Marine he’d become and the commitment
he’d shown over the years. The things he’d learned and taught, the friends he’d made, the
wayhe’dsteppeduptotheresponsibilityoflookingafterRisa…thatwaswherehefeltpride.

Kevin didn’t want to give anybody the chance to lessen his hard work by attaching a

labelthatbroughtonthedoubletakesandconjecture.God,allofthis brooding was making
himsoself-absorbed.Hewassickofworryingaboutsomuchpersonalcrap.

“Idon’twantanythinginmycornerofthefuckingworldtochange,”hesaidharshly,not

evenrealizingithadbeenalouduntiltheXOclearedhisthroat.

What if he’d read the Captain’s words all wrong? Maybe this was an overreaction,

makinghisgaytelltaleheartbeatagainstthefloorboardsofhisbrain.

“Doesithaveto?”
KevingavehisbossanAreYouKiddingMe? look,butbeforehehadachancetospeak,a

rattleofriflefiresoundedtotheeast.Theybothswiveledinthedirectionoftheshots.

“Thefuck?”XOpipedup,steppingbackastheradiooperatorfor1stSquadcalledout.
“Just came through on the net—1st and 2nd Squads from 3rd Platoon made a call to

Godfatheraboutciviliancasualtiestheirlocation.Definiteunfriendlies.”

There was a moment of scurrying for position in the semi-darkness when the Platoon

Sergeant pointed north to a T in the road where igures were moving in tactical formation
intoabuildingwithablownoutwall.

“We’vegotunfriendliesonthemove…”

263

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE

MondaywasallaboutirritationvergingonveryrealhurtandChristiandidn’tknowthat

while it seemed fairly vigorous as far as emotions went, it didn’t compare with the snide,
caustic self-loathing of Tuesday. He had no one to blame but himself because he skipped
rightintoagorgeous,Marine-shapedtrap.HekeptthinkingofthethingsKevinhadsaidand
how easy it was to believe them with his dick twitching in his pants and whispering, “Trust
me,”tohissoggybrain.Rulenumberone:Nevertrusthisdick.Allitcaredaboutwasitself.

“You’reworryingovernothing…”Kevinhadsaid.
Christianshould’vemadeabreakforitrightthen;Kevinwasde initelytheperfectman

to worry about, but that didn’t matter now because they wereincommunicado. So much for
beingtogetherandthesappylittleheartsandstarsthathadbeenbuzzingaroundhishead.
He could forget about Risa ever getting to know him for who he really was because Kevin
wouldn’t tell her. Those ridiculous fantasies of an actual relationship were exponentially
stupidondaytwoofbeingignoredandavoided.Goingweakinthekneesforahardassthat
he’d once badly spurned accomplished exactly what he thought it would. Revenge was
probablytastingsweettoKevin.

Christian was deeply embarrassed and good decisions did not go hand-in-hand with

embarrassment.That’swhyhewassittingatthesametableoutsidetheGoToGrounds coffee
shop, waiting to pounce when Kev showed up. His brilliant plan ended there. He wasn’t of
sound mind at the moment, so he would likely limit his interaction with Kevin to sputtered
questions.Therewouldbenostretchingandmidriffbaringthistime,hetoldhimself.

Waytoestablishcontrol!
Hewaitednearlyforty- iveminutesbeforeswallowinghisprideandgoinginsidetoask

ifKevinhadbeenin.

“Not since last week,” the cheerful barista grinned. “And trust me, I’d remember.” She

winkedathim.

Ohdon’twealljustlovethecockybastard!
After that, Christian purposely left his phone in his truck all day and tried to convince

himselfthathewasn’twaitingforamessageexplainingthatKevinhadaccidentallyslipped
and fallen into some sort of crevasse and made it out okay. There was a voicemail waiting,
butitwasfromhismotherofallpeople.Hemadeafaceandlistenedtotherecording.

Janelle, his sister, was getting divorced. Her husband—Christian honestly couldn’t

remember if his name was Denny or Frank—had moved out of their home and into an
apartmentwiththewomanwhosoldthemaninsurancepolicyontheirminivan.

Thiswassadonanumberoflevels,butmostlybecauseChristianknewJanellewouldn’t

givearat’sassifherbrotherheardthetruth,andbecausetheirmomwasn’tcallinghimto
bind the family close during a dif icult time. She wanted to be the one to spread the news
aroundlikecowcrapinagarden.

That’s the way their shitty family did their shitty work. Something bad happened, or

there was gossip to share, and mom’s phone line lit up for days until she exhausted her
networkoflisteners.Ifsheluckedoutandactuallygotahumanontheotherendofthecall,
theconversationconsistedofherdeclaringhowshe“knewitallalong!”orhowshe“always
hadabadfeelingabouthim/her/it.”

Sheendedhermessagewithabeleagueredsigh.“Well,Christian,Isawitcomingmiles

off,youknow.Theonlythingthat’seversurprisedmewasyougoinggay,Godforgiveyou.I
could say ‘I told you so!’ to your sister, but she’s too busy to answer her phone. Kinda like
another child of mine. Anyway, all that aside, you’re brother’s doing real well for himself in
that new church. The congregation just loves him to death. You should call him and set up
thatmeeting;getyourlifefiguredout.He’sreadalotofbooksaboutyourparticularissue.”

His issue. Nice. Like the gay thing fell under the same category as bladder infections or

insomnia.Christiandidn’teventakethetimetorollhiseyesbeforehedeletedthemessage.
Hismomhadof iciallybegunthelandmineportionofherparentingtactics.She’dburylittle
mindbombsattheperfectdepthsothatwhenhethoughtoftheconversationlater,hisbrain
wouldexplodewithdelayedrageanddisgust.StandardOperatingProcedurefortheBlakely
clan.

Beforehecheckedthemessage,he’dplannedondrivingtoKevin’stoconfronthim,but

asusual,hismotherhadsuckedouthiswilltolive.Hewenthomeandimmersedhimselfin
making and eating an ungodly amount of chicken parm. He’d have to go to spin class every
otherdaythatweektocounteractit.Aspenance,heforcedhimselftodoasetofdeepknee
bendsandpushups,whichnearlyhadhimbarfinginthelivingroom.

Christian’sphoneremaineddismallysilentandhefellintoafoodcomawithitrestingon

hisstomach.Aroundtwointhemorninghewokeuptoaninfomercialontelevisionabouta
food dehydrator. He stumbled groggily to his bed and curled his body around a pillow. The
hurt that was waiting in the wings tried to pummel him to complete wakefulness, but he
clamped his eyes shut and forced his brain to think of nothing but quiet sleep in the
darkness.

Kevin didn’t show at the coffee shop again, and the woman behind the counter was

shooting questioning glances at Christian and whispering to her fellow shop workers when
shethoughthewasn’tlooking.

Christianwasnearlylateforwork,buthedidn’ttakealunchsohecouldexcusecutting

outearly.AtfourintheafternoonheparkedinfrontofKevin’sbeachcottageandgotout.He
knew that he had a wait on his hands, but he didn’t want to make it easy for this
confrontationtobeavoided.ThesecondKevinpulleduptothehouse,he’dknowwhatwas
abouttohappen.

Christian had been staring at the front door less than a minute when it opened. He

didn’t knowwhat to expect, but Jack was a huge surprise, literally. The man was still
forbiddingashellashepoppedintoview,buthisexpressionwaseven.Wasn’thesupposed
tobebackinColoradoorwherever?

Jack waved for Christian to join him on the small porch and there was only the tiniest

hesitation in his steps as he complied. Did the guy know what his buddy was up to? For a
moment he imagined that Kevin was sneaking out the back door and making a break for it,
buttheJeepwasn’tthere.

Jack sat down in a wooden rocking chair and then pointed at the only other available

seat:astoolthatwobbledprecariouslyfromlefttoright.IfthiswasaplantoputJackinthe
position of power, it was working. The rocking chair was creaking and Jack was watching
Christian like it was still a toss up between civilized discussion or headlocks and kidney
punches.Therewassomethingveryunnervingaboutsittinginthecompanyofapersonwho
knew Kevin’s secret and who knew that Christian was a big part of it. He didn’t know the
extentofwhatKevinhadtoldJack,either.

Jackgesturedoverhisshoulderintothehouseandsaid,“SelenaisinsidewithRis.Isaw

youdriveupandthoughtI’dgivethemspacetotalk.”

The screen door was closed, but the door to the house was open and now that Jack

mentionedit,Christiancouldhearfaintconversationcomingfrominside.

Thiswasn’tthebestnews.SelenacouldberattingoutKevinrightaboutnowand—wait!

So what!Why did he even care about that? Let her tell on him. Whatever. He and Kev
weren’t together. It wasn’t his problem. All of his, “I won’t push you,” talk didn’t matter if
therewasn’tarelationshiptopush.

“We could be here a while,” Christian muttered and Jack nodded. If they heard Risa

screaming,they’dknowwhy.

“Theygotalotof…emotionsgoing on in there,” Jack agreed with an amused light in his

eyes.“They’llworkitout.”

Christiandidn’twanttoberude,sohekeptthefactthathedidn’tcareiftheyworkedit

outtohimself.Thesilencegrewawkwardagainandhelistenedtothatcreakingrockingchair
as his nerves frayed. Unable to take another second of wobbling on his stool, he stood and
walkedtotheedgeofthestepstoleanagainsttherailing.Carsdrovebyoftenandtheshush
of their tires on the asphalt was soothing. Like they were saying, “Relax; conserve your
strengthbecauseit’sonlygoingtogetworse.”

“Youlooklikeyoucamehereonamission,man,”Jackspokeup.
Christianglancedoverhisshoulder,thenbackouttothestreet.“Ineedtotalktohim,“

heshrugged.“IthoughtyouwereinColorado.”

“Well,IneededtotalktoRisa.”
“Ahh.”Thelightbulbwenton.“Soyou’retogethernow?”
Jack stayed quiet until Christian looked at him again. The other man was smiling in a

way that softened all of his features and actually made him seem kind. The scarring on the
right side of his face and neck didn’t seem so angry. “Yeah,” he chuckled. “You could say
that.”

“Well, that’s great,” Christian said sincerely. “Kevin decided to get over the big brother

stuff?”

“Guess so. He called me and told me to come down and then he saw us together when

hecameinonSundaynight,oractually,Mondaymorning.”

Christiantwitchednervously.“Whattimedidhegetin?”Heaskedbeforehecouldstop

thewordsfromflyingfromhismouth.

Jackgavehimaknowinglookandrockedsomemore.“Twoorthree.Notsure.”
Hmm.Sohe’dbeenrightaboutKevinleavinglongbeforethealarmeverwentoff.That

guy couldn’twaitto get out of his house. A stab of pain announced itself in his lower
abdomen like the time he ate bad shell ish. Maybe he should head home; this was looking
likeabadideaonallfronts.Hedidn’tneedtoaddIBStoit.

ChristianrememberedthewayKevinhadsotenderlytouchedhimandaskedaboutthe

tattoos; the way he seemed to be absorbing their time in a way that delighted Christian. It
onlymadehimfeelmorefoolishnow.

“Why do you ask about when he got home? I assumed he came straight from your

place.”

Christianreddened.“Hedid,”heclearedhisthroatroughly.“Ididn’tknowwhattimehe

snuckout.That’sall.”Sometimesbeingbluntwasthebestwaytogo.

Jackclosedhiseyesandshookhisheadindisbelief.“Thatstupidass.”
Exactly.
ChristianhadtolookawaybecausenowtheyweretalkingaboutthisbigsecretandJack

was actually hearing that Kevin had gotten laid, but hadn’t stayed. It brought a whole new
meaningtomortification.

“Heleftanote,”hemurmured.
Jackraisedaneyebrowlikehewasn’tsurewhatthatwassupposedtomean.
“Putafuckingheartonit,”Christiangrowled.
Botheyebrowswentup.“Isthatnot…standard?”
“ForKevin,it’sdefinitelynotstandard,buthe’stheonlyguyI’veever—”
“Got it. Okay,” Jack rushed to cut him off, then paused with a confused expression. “I

thoughtyouguysdid…stuff…awhileback.”

Christiannoddedshakily.“ImethimsixyearsagoinCabo.”
“Andyoutellingmeyouain’tgottendownwithanotherdudeforsixyears?”
“Iwastoobusyrunningandlivingwithwomen.”
“Seriously?”Jackasked,hisvoicegoingupacoupleoctaves.
“Yep.Almostgotengagedacouplatimes.”
“Shit…”
“Yep.”
“That’scrazy.Areyou,um,youknow,bi,orwhatever?”Jackwhisperedathim,checking

overhisshouldertomakesureRisaandSelenaweren’tlurking.

Christianranahandthroughhishairandsighed.“Nah.Notbi.Justgay.Itscrewedwith

mymindforalongtime.”

“Soatthatrace—youhadn’tseenKevsincethatfirsttime?”
“Noonewasmoresurprisedthanmetoseehimthere,”Christianadmitted,wondering

nowifitwouldn’thavebeenbettertohaveignoredKevinthatday.Hestaredatthetoesof
hissneakers,lostinthememory.

“Kevinlookedlikehecouldapoppedyourblondheadoffyourbody.”
“Yeah,well,youlookedlikeyouwould’vehelpedhim.”
Jackmadeanoiseofagreement.“Ifheneededmeto.”
Christian let out a ragged breath and sank to a seat on the top step. “I’m not here to

cause any trouble. I get what Kev’s up to, but I want him to tell me the truth. I know he’ll
alwaysbepissedaboutwhatIdidyearsago,butIwanttoknowifheplannedthis.Ifthisis
revenge.”

The rocking chair creaked loudly and Jack mumbled something under his breath. “I

think the only part of what you said that I understood was the bit about you not causing
trouble.”

Christian threw him a doubtful sideways glance and saw that Jack was serious. “Kevin

didn’ttellyouwhathappenedinCabo?”

Jackshookhisheadno.
“Hetalkedtomeoutsideaclubandwe…gottogetherthatnight.Igraduatedcollegeonly

aweekbeforethatandIwascelebratingwithagroupofguysfrommyfraternity.Afterwe,
well,afterward,KevingavemehisnumberandIwastoobusytryingtogetthehelloutofthe
hotelroomandbacktomylifetoreallycareaboutanythingelse.”

“Kevingaveyouhisnumber?Kevin?”
“Yes,” Christian scowled. “I didn’t have the balls to call. I went home and played it

straight.”

“Thisislikeagayminiseries,”Jackwhispered.WhenhesawChristiandidn’tappreciate

theeditorializing,heapologized.

“IkepthisnumberandItoldmyselfifIevergotthechance,I’dtrytomakeituptohim.

Attherace—yousawhowhewas—Iknewitwasgoingtobeimpossible.”

“Sothat’swhyyoucameoverherethatweekend?Toconvincehimyouweresorry?”
Christianwasquietforawhile,watchingcarsglidepast.“Idon’tknow.Thatwaspartof

it. I wanted to see him again, even if he was ready to murder me. I wanted to explain what
happened to me since that night, and Kevin thought I came over to out him to you and his
sister.

“Ithoughtthatafterheletmetalktohim,hesortofunderstood,youknow?Wecleared

the air. I saw him for coffee. He asked me out on a date. Then…Selena,” Christian waved
absentlyoverhisshoulder.

Jack left the rocking chair and sat on the opposite end of the step so he could see his

face.

“So that was a date?” Jack did a whisper yell thing with his voice that made Christian

jump.

“Yeah.”
“No wonder he was so pissed the next day,” Jack murmured in understanding. “That’s

whenhecalledme.”

Christiangruntedinthenegative.“Hewasn’taspissedaboutthedatebeingjackedup

ashewasaboutSelenaseeinguskissinhisroom.”

Jack’seyesbuggedalittlebit.“Shewhat?”
“Shesawus—”
“SoshecouldbeinsidetellingthatshittoRisarightnow?”
ChristianlookedawayfromthegrimlightinJack’seyes.“It’spossible,butthat’snotmy

—”

“Oh,hellyesit’syourproblem,”Jacksnapped.“Risadoesn’tknowabouthim.”
“I’mawareofthat!”heansweredsharply.“Butthat’sKevin’sstorytotell.Notmine.He

made it clear he was done with me when he left the other night and didn’t call for three
days.Itwashiswayofpayback.”

“What are you talking about?” Jack’s voice was back to normal volume and the sudden

changehadChristianleaningaway.“Doyoutwoevenunderstandhowtocommunicate!?”

“Heleftmeanotetellingmetocallhim,andhe’signoredmeforthreedays.”
“Kevin’sbeeninthefucking ield!Hecan’tcall!HisCOdoesn’tletthemtakephonesout

there.”

“What? What’s ‘the ield’?” That glimmer of hope began burning again and Christian’s

entirebodyseemedtoliftatthepossibilityhe’dmisunderstoodwhatwasgoingon.Hisblood
washotbeneathhisskinandhewasleaningtowardJackinfocusedattention.

“Training. Combat training,” Jack offered, sounding like he wanted to tack on an

“asshole”attheendofthesentence.“Hedidn’ttellyou?”

“It would’ve been nice if he had,” Christian spat back, his tone no longer controlled.

“Thisis—MyGod,howstupid!”

“Hemust’veforgotten.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that’s what happened,” Christian said sarcastically. “I was with him for

hourstheothernightandhecan’tremembertotellmethatshit?”

Jackmadeaface.“AndIbetyoutwospentallthattimechatting,sharinglittlebittyparts

ofyoursouls.”

Christian blushed again. “We didn’t screw the entiretime,” he hissed. “There was an

opportunity for him to say, ‘Oh, by the way, I’ll be out of touch for three days, so don’t
fuckingfreakout!’”

“Alright,easy!Wouldyoukeepyourvoicedown?”Jackbitoffthewords.“It’snotourjob

totellRisathetruth.Sheshouldhearitfromhim.”

“Well,weagreeaboutonethingatleast.”
“Toolate,”Selena’scoolvoiceannouncedbehindthem.
JacktensedandChristianraisedhiseyestotheskyinsupplication.Theyturnedslowly

and simultaneously to ind Selena hovering at the screen door, an almost smug expression

litting over her features, Risa at her side. Even from where he sat, Christian could see

Kevin’ssisterwaswhiteasasheet.

“Risa,” Jack said gently, “come here, baby…” He leapt to his feet and eased the screen

dooropen,holdingoutahand.

She swallowed, automatically grabbing hold, and her gaze shifted to Christian. The lost

andconfusedlookinhereyesshamedhim.

Comingoverwasadisaster.Hewasabsolutelyfucked.
Jack pulled Risa into a hug and she accepted the comfort for only a moment before

steppingback,hergazeneverleavingChristian’s.

“I-I need you to explain w-what I heard,” she whispered. “You guys got loud and I

thought you were—what are you saying?” Risa loundered and looked to Jack, giving
Christianachancetotakeabreath.“WhatdidyouguyssayaboutKevin?”

“Thetruth,”Selenainterjected,hertonecolderthesecondgoaround.Christiangroaned.
“Here,” Jack eased Risa to a seat on the top step. “Your brother will be home soon and

wecantalkaboutthis.”

Risa shook her head in a daze. “I think I misunderstood…” Her words came out

breathlesslikesomeonehadsluggedherinthestomach.

“Shhh,” Jack kissed her on the brow. “Take a breath. We have time to work all of this

out.”

Risa didn’t seem to hear her boyfriend. She stared with wide eyes at Christian, making

his cheeks burn bright like he was looking into the sun. “Are you Kevin’s…? See, I thought
youwereoldfriends.Ithought…”

God, what in the hell was he supposed todo? He couldn’t sit on that step and tell her

aboutKevin;itwasn’thisplacetosayaword.

“I’mhisfriend.Imethimsixyearsago,”heansweredhuskily.
“Hisclosefriend,apparently,”Selenasnickered.“IsawthemkissinginKevin’sroomthe

othernight.”

Risafrowned,turningbacktoChristianinquestion.JackglaredopenlyatSelena.“Girl,”

hewarned,venominhistone.

“Shewasprobablyseeingmeninpandasuitsforallweknow,”Christianofferedweakly.

“Howmuchdidyouhavetodrinkanyway?”HedirectedthelastpartatSelenawhohadthe
goodgracetoblush.

Christianrealizedhecould’vecheerfullystrangledherifheleanedthewayofviolence.

Jacklookedlikehe’dkillhernomatterwhat.

“Soyouweren’t,um,kissing?”Risaaskedquietly.
Fuck.
“I know what I saw,” Selena defended herself. “I didn’t black out or imagine it. They

weregoingforit.”

JackstoodupinonegracefulandintimidatingmoveandSelenawasforcedtobackupa

stepintothescreendoor.“Youneedtogohome.”

“You’renottheonewhogetstomakethatdecision,”Selenasputtered.

“Gohome,”Risasoftlyspoke.“And,Ithinkyouprobablyshouldn’tcomeback.”
“Risa!”Selenawasobviouslyshocked.“I’mtheonlyonebeinghonestwithyou;youcan’t

saysomethinglikethat—”

“Gohome,Selena!”Risahalf-shrieked.“Just.Leave.”
Risa’swordssuckedtheoxygenfromtheair;noonecouldspeak.Selenahesitatedthen

stompeddownthesteps,heroversizedpursebangingagainstherhipassheleft.Risadidn’t
watchhergo,sittinginadazeonthestepsuntilthefamiliarsoundofaJeepenginecaught
theirattention.

Kevin pulled into the driveway and his brow furrowed as he saw them all together on

theporchlikesomesortofanxiety-riddenwelcomingcommittee.

Christian couldn’t help the way his heart skipped at the sight of the other man, but he

knewthenextfewminuteswerehingepointsintheirfuturetogether.Hewasscared.

JackhadacomfortinghandinRisa’shairandshewasstaringblanklyatthegrassinthe

tinyfrontyard.WhenKevin’scardoorslammed,theyalljumped,andashecamearoundthe
side of the house to the porch, dusty and sweaty, looking like he knew hell had arrived,
Christianthoughthemightbecrazyinlovewithhim.

283

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

Kevin was lat out exhausted. He’d barely slept in the past three days and the time

spentinthe ieldhadbeenriddledwithmix-upsandmistakesthattheCompanyshouldbe
longpastmaking.Theonegoodthingwasthathewastoobusytospendmuchtimethinking
aboutthepossibleshitstormawaitinghimwhenhegothome—orthatcell phone sitting in
hisdesklikeatickingtimebomb.

The Company returned to Camp Pendleton around noon and Kevin made sure all

issued weapons were checked in and locked up before he went to his of ice. His phone was
stilloffandshovedinhisbagbecauseanotherhourortwoofsilencewouldn’tmatterafter
threedays.Hehadsomeexplainingtodonomatterwhat.

As he pulled into the drive and spotted Christian on the steps beside Risa and Jack, he

didn’tknowwhichfeelingheshouldfocuson.Therewastrepidation,pleasure,andworryall
lumped together in his stomach, bouncing around like his belly was a washing machine
drum. But the thing that sent him into cold-assessment mode was the way Risa was sitting.
ShewascurledinonherselfandJackwaskneelingontheporchbehindher.

Hisnecktightenedlikeitalwaysdidwhena ightwascoming;hisbloodbeganpumping

double-time.

Why was Christian here? Why was Jack still in town? It took all of his remaining self-

controltofightofftheurgetolosehistemper.

He braced himself and rounded the corner of the house. Jack looked up at him

apologetically, but he didn’t move away from Risa. His little sister wouldn’t meet his gaze,
choosinginsteadtostareatherhandsknottedinherlap.

Kevin turned his eyes to Christian last and the desire to touch him rose up

unexpectedly. He stopped several feet away to keep from doing just that and waited.
Christiandidn’tseemfuriousthewayKevinhadexpected,buttherewasseriousanxietyin
hisface.

Slowly,ChristianrosetohisfeetandwalkeddownthestepsinKevin’sdirection.Hekept

hisdistance,shovinghishandsinthepocketsofhisjeans.Helookedreallybeautifulstanding
in the light, his hazel eyes devouring Kevin, pausing on his bruised lip for a long moment.
KevinforcedhimselftolookawayandnodhellotoJack.

“What’sgoingon?”Kevinasked.
Jack glanced at Risa and murmured an apology for greeting him like this. “Selena left

rightbeforeyougothome.”

Kevin’s blood went cold in his veins and the heat in his skin from all the extra sun the

pastfewdays,leechedoutofhisbodyintotheground.HiseyesshottoChristian’s,thenback
toJackandfinallytoRisa.

Selenacouldn’tkeephermouthshut.Thatfuckingbitch.
Kevindroppedhisbagandrushedforwarduntilhewaskneelingonthestepsinfront

ofhislittlesister.Hegrabbedhershoulders,ranhishandsdownherarms,twistedhishands
intohergrasp.

“Risa,sweetheart,lookatme.”
That telltale snif le he’d heard only days before in the kitchen when he was too big a

cowardtotellherthetruth,wastheonlyresponseshegavehim.Hersilenttearsbeganand

hewatchedthemdrippingslowlydownhercheeksandintoherlap.Kevingaveherhandsa
littleshake.

“LittleRis,please.Lookatme.”
Jack gave a sympathetic grunt of pain, like he wouldn’t let Risa endure much more of

this.ChristianwassomewherebehindKevin,stillasastatue.

Risa inally looked up, squeezing Kevin’s hands hard. The expression on her face was

oneofheartbrokendisbelief.

“Tell me,” she whispered. “Tell me the truth. What’s going on, Kev?” She glanced over

hisshouldertowhereChristianwasstanding.“Whoishetoyou?”

TheairaroundthemseemedthinnerallofasuddenandKevinblinkedacoupletimes,

tryingtofocus.

“I… He—” Kevin faltered and coughed, knowing he had to speak even as years of

secrecypressedinonhim.

“Just talk to me,” Risa murmured, the tears still illing her eyes and falling one-by-one.

“Tellmewhoheistoyou.”

Kevin glanced down at their intertwined ingers and swallowed once. Twice. “I don’t

know…”heansweredsoftly.

Christian gave a pained gasp and all eyes turned to him as he shifted away to hide his

face.Withoutthinking,Kevinwasonhisfeetagain,reachingthistimeforChristian.Hefroze
mid-step, caught halfway between his little sister and a man he cared about more than he
couldarticulate.

“Please!”hebreathed.“Christianwait.”KevinspunbacktoRisaandhelduphishands

in an unspoken plea. He didn’t know what to say. His heart kept iring back and forth
betweenthetwoofthem.

“Christian,Ididn’tmeanthatthewayitsounded.I’mfuckingtryinghere,Iswear.”
Christiantookashudderingbreathandquicklyswipedathiseyes,hisbackstilltoKevin.
“Risa,” Kevin murmured. “I should’ve told you a long time ago. I-I never knew what to

say…”

“Kevin…” His name, those ive letters combined, were packed with hurt. “We’ve been

alone with each other for six years! You could have told me anything. I thought you knew
that.”

“Iwastryingtoprotectyou.”
“Fromwhat?” She sounded baf led and the disbelief was changing to anger with each

word she spoke. “What were you protecting me from? The truth about who you are? All
theseyears,youhaven’tbeenabletohavearelationship,orbeyourselfaroundme.Doyou
knowhowlowthatmakesmefeel?Howdoyoulivelikethatandnotresentme?”

Kevinsqueezedhistemples,stillrootedtothegroundbetweentheseoppositeforcesin

hislife.

“I thought that knowing this about me would be another mess in your life that you

didn’t need after mom and dad. I had to look after you. If I brought it up, it would’ve been
anotherthingyouhadtogetusedto.IthoughtIwasmakingtherightdecision.”

“Wellyouweren’t!”Risasnapped.“Youwerewrong!YouwereallIhadleftinthewhole

world and I wouldn’t have cared! Look at where we are now—I ind out the truth at the
sametimethatIlearnthreeotherpeopleknewbeforeme.ForGod’ssake,Selenaevenknew
andyouhateher.Ihadtooverhearthis!”

Risa’sanger,sucharareemotiontorisetothesurfaceinherlife,wasastrongforcein

action.Kevinhadfuckedupbadlyandhecouldn’t igureoutwhatmessheneededtoclean

up irst. His sister was staring up at him, her cheeks blooming with color as she grew more
upset,whileChristianwasfrozenbehindhim,dealingwithhisownpain.

“Areyouembarrassed?Isthatit?DidyouthinkIcouldhateyou?”Risablurted.
“No—yes—I don’t know!Christ!”Kevinthrewuphishands,hisexhaustionmakingway

for his roaring temper. “Risa, I don’tknow. The more time passed, the older you got, the
harder it was to share. I’m not ashamed of it; I didn’t want it to change who we are as a
family.You’vebeenmynumberonepriority.Doyougetthat?Don’tyouseethat?I’vehadto
figureouthowtobemomanddadforyou.IdidthebestIcould.”

Risa stood, pulled out of Jack’s grasp and stalked forward. She glared at Kevin with a

tear-streakedfaceand,surprisingthehelloutofhim,shepunchedhimhardintheshoulder.
Thecryingcontinuedinearnestthenandwhenshetriedtothrowasecondsloppypunch,he
grabbedherwristandpulledherinclose.

Hewassweatyanddirtyandprobablysmelledripe,buthecradledhissistertohischest

asshesobbedandwrappedherarmsaroundhiswaist.

“You’rean…asshole,”shecriedagainsthim,thewordsmuffledbyhisuniform.
Hemadeashushingnoiseandheldhertighter,runningahandoverherhair.“Iknow…

I’msorry.I’mreallysorry.”

“I’msomadatyou,”shesobbedandherockedhersoothingly.
Kevin was aware of Jack backing up and signaling at Christian to follow him inside.

When Christian didn’t respond, or walk past, Kevin turned with Risa in his arms to see the
othermanwalkingtowardhistruck.

“Christian,”hecalledoutandBlondiestoppedmid-stride,turningtorevealred-rimmed

eyesandasetmouth.“GoinsidewithJack,please.”

They held one another’s gaze for an interminable moment and Kevin tried to put

everythingheneededtosay—hisapologies,explanations,andpleas—intothatlook.

“I’mgoingtogo,”Christianfinallyansweredroughly.“It’snotagoodtime.”
Kevinopenedhismouthtocallhisnameagain,butRisabeathimtoit.“Youshouldstay,

Christian.”

***

At irst, everything was stilted and awkward. Jack led him into the house and with

nothing else to do while Kevin and Risa worked things out, they turned on the TV and
watched the news. Not one word of it registered with Christian. He felt awful, raw from the
insideout.

First he thought he was being avoided, then Kevin was being outed, then girls were

crying, punches were lying… And now, there he was, sitting on the couch while a weather
manwho’doverindulgedatthetanningboothtalkedaboutseasonaltemperaturesandheat
waves.

Halfanhourlater,RisapeekedinthedoorandaskedforJacktocomeoutside.Christian

thoughtthatmeanthewasgoingtobesittingbyhimselfwhilethethreeofthemhadapow-
wowaboutgaynessandallthatitentailed,butKevincameinsidewithhisbaginhandand
pointedupthestairs.

“Comewithme?”
Christianpushedoffofthecouchandfollowedupthestairs.Oncetheywereinsidehis

bedroom,Kevinclosedthedoorbehindthemandthrewhisbagintoacorner.Hesankonto

hisbedandworkedonthelacesofhisbootsuntiltheywereoffandtossedthembesidehis
bag.

“Iknowwehavealottotalkabout,Christian,butwouldyoumindifIshowered irst?”

heasked,liftinghisgreeneyeswithahesitancethatwassounlikehim.

ChristianclosedthedistancebetweenthemuntilKevin’skneesweregrazinghisthighs

andhewaslookingdownintohisMarine’supturnedface.There’dbeensuchasenseofloss
thepastfewdaysandnow,beingsoclosetoKevin,hopingtheywereoutofdanger,hefelt
thefullextentofhowhe’dmissedhim.

Closing his eyes, he let his forehead fall against Kevin’s as his hands gripped those

muscledshoulders.“Areyouokay?”heaskedafteralongsilence.

“I’vebeenbetter,”Kevinsighed.
“Risa?”
“Samethinggoesforher,Ithink.”
Christian screwed up his courage and gently kissed Kevin’s brow. He pulled back just

enough to see the weary smile on the other man’s lips and was overcome with the need to
feel that lush mouth against his own. He tenderly cupped Kevin’s face and kissed him, his
lips grazing across that supple lesh and still-healing bruise. When his lips parted, Kevin
followed suit and opened to him. It was slow and warm and offered a measure of comfort
eachofthemneeded.

Kevin’sthreedaygrowthofbeardscrapedagainsttheskinofChristian’shandsandhe

smiledguiltily,breakingthekiss.

“Go get cleaned up,” Christian said, pressing his mouth to Kevin’s another time. “I’ll be

here.”

The room had it’s own bathroom, so while Kev showered, Christian sat against the

headboardwithhislegsstretchedoutinfrontofhim.Hepickedup one of theCar & Driver
magazinesonthebedsidetablebutjustasquicklyputitback,closinghiseyesandlistening
tothesoundsofKevinintheshower.

The unsteady rhythm of water rushing from the tap was hypnotic and Christian was

lulled into a doze. He didn’t hear Kevin shut off the shower or come back out of the
bathroom,butwhenthemattressshifted,hiseyespoppedopen.

Kevin was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing him, wearing only a towel. It was like

wakinguptobirthdaycakeandchocolatemilk,onlyKevinwasn’tsmiling.Hehadn’tshaved
and he still looked tired, but he smelled like that body wash that drove Christian out of his
mind,andthedustandgrimeweregone.

Christianreachedforhishand,needingthetouchandalmostafraidthatKevinwouldn’t

allowit.Hewasstillfeelingoffbalancewhenitcametoaffectionwiththismercurialman.He
needn’thaveworried;Kevinreturnedthegrasptightly.

“Allofthiscraptodaywouldn’thavehappenedifI’donlyrememberedtotellyouabout

being in the ield,” Kevin said hoarsely. “I wouldn’t have upset you, Risa wouldn’t have
overheardyouandJack.Selena—well,nooneknowsifshe’dhavekepthermouthshut,but
I’mguessingnot.”

“So…you’resayingyouwishRisastilldidn’tknow?”
“No, I’m not saying that. It’s a relief she knows, but I didn’t want her to ind out that

way.” With his free hand he reached up and massaged his own neck like it was sore. “I
plannedoncominghome, ixingthedamagewithyou,thensittingdownwithher.Ithought
Jack had to be back in Colorado for a class, but his schedule changed and he stayed. Then
withSelenavisiting,itwouldn’thaveworkedouthowIwantedanyway.”

“Selena is a crazy bitch,” Christian stated coldly. “She sold us out like it was a personal

vendetta.Shewasembarrassed.”

“Idon’tgiveashit.Sheneedstogrowupandstaythehellawayfrommylittlesister.”
ChristiansqueezedKevin’shandcomfortingly.“Risatoldhertogoawayandnevercome

back.”

Kevinchuckled.“Jacktoldmeshescreamedit.IkindawishIcould’veseenthat.”
“How’syourshoulderwhereshepunchedyou?”
Kevinrolledhisarmaroundandpressedhis ingersagainstthethickpadofmuscle.“It

hurts,”helaughedagainandChristiansoakedupthesoundwithasmall smile. “She nailed
me.”

The amusement in Kevin’s face faded after a moment and he looked straight into

Christian’seyes.“Ididn’tknowwhattosaywhensheaskedmewhoyouweretomebecause
I don’t know whatweare. I didn’t know if I should say you’re my boyfriend, or a friend… I
wasn’ttryingtohideyouorkeepusasecret.Imean,IknowwhatIwantyoutobe.

“Thishasbeenacrappyweek—thecrappiestI’vehadinalongtime,”Kevincontinued,

“and I kept thinking of the guys in the Company who have someone to go home to, talk to,
and hold, and I got so angry. For a while, I thought I might come back here and end it with
you because I wanted my life to be easier, and almost the exact second I’d think that, I’d
imaginesayinggoodbyetoyouandit’dhurtworsethanyou’dprobably igureaguylikeme
couldfeel.Iwantedtocomehometoyouandnothavetosayanything,justfallintobedwith
youandsleepforayear.”

Christian didn’t expect such a pointed confession and it struck him center chest. The

maninfrontofhimwhokepthisfeelingslockedupsotightlywastryinginsteadtonavigate
themandtellChristianwhathefelt.Itwasimpossibletodescribethewonderofbeingonthe
receivingendofthatunpracticedaffectionandhonesty.Hedidn’tknowwhattosay,buthis
tonguewasfrozenandthereseemedtobeagolfball-sizedlumpblockinghiswindpipe.

It took a minute to get himself together and he reached forward to run a inger lightly

over the skin of Kevin’s arm from shoulder to wrist. “Do you want to know the irst thing I
evernoticedaboutyou?”heasked.

Kevinnodded.
“It was this,” he answered, repeating the movement. “Your skin. Then this,” he ran his

ingeroverKevin’smouth.“Thenthis,”hishandtraveledoverKevin’shair.“Thenthese,”he

gentlypointedtohiseyes,thentouchedhiseyelidsastheyflutteredclosed.

“EverysingledaysinceIleftyourhotelroom,I’vethoughtofyou,Kevin,andsomedays

it caused such an awful pain in my gut that I thought I’d be sick with the regret. Then, you
showedupatthatraceandIknewIwasn’tgoingtoletyougoagainwithouta ight.Ifyou’d
shownuptoday,tellingmethatitwasover,Ithinkitwould’veruinedmecompletely.Callme
whateveryouwantwhenRisaasks,solongasyouknowthatI’myours.”

Kevin leaned into Christian’s touch and then pressed his body forward, shifting so he

waslayingdownagainsthim.Whentheirmouthsmetthistime,itwasallaboutcomfortand
the taste of coming home to someone. Their hands traced one another’s bodies and in
seconds Christian had whipped that towel off of Kevin’s hips so he could feel every inch of
Kevinagainsthim.

Kevin helped him out of his clothes and when Christian rolled him back onto the

mattress,histoughMarinewentwillingly,lettinghimtakecharge.

There was too much company in the house and too high a likelihood that there’d be a

knock on the door, so they contented themselves with touch and the promise of time

togetherinthefuture.ChristianrockedagainstKevinuntiltheywerebothhardtobursting,
thentookhiminhismouthasKevinbuckedagainsthimwithamuf ledgroan.Itdidn’ttake
long for him to come and when he did, he whispered Christian’s name over and over, his
eyesclenchedtightashisbodywenttautagainstthesheets.

Christian marveled at the way his man’s skin glistened with the pleasure he was

creating. Satisfaction was building beneath the surface, spilling over. When Kevin grabbed
him, sitting up so that Christian was straddling him and they were chest to chest, Christian
kissedhimsoftly.

KevinmurmuredunintelligiblewordsagainsthisshoulderandchestandChristianheld

himuntilhisbreathingslowed.Hedidn’twantanythingelseinthatmoment.

Exhaustion made itself known once again and Christian pressed Kevin back to the bed

as his eyes closed. “Stay,” Kevin whispered, reaching out for Christian’s hand as he fell
asleep.

Forawhile,Christianwatchedhimrest,listeningtothesoundofhisdeepbreathing.He

looked around him, soaking in the fact that he was in Kevin’s house and in his bed. It was
goingtotakealongtimetobelievehowtheirstoryhadchanged.

293

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

Half an hour after Kevin fell asleep, Christian slipped out of bed and pulled his t-shirt

and jeans on again. He didn’t want Risa or Jack to come looking for them and ind them
naked;legsandarmsandbuttsalloutthereinpublic.Thenewswasalittletoofreshforthat
dramaanddespitethefactthathe’dalreadymetRisa,hewantedtomakeagoodimpression.
Shewouldn’tbegettingtoknowhimasthemysteryguythatherbrotherpossiblyhated,but
asherbrother’sboyfriend.

That sounded weird in his head. It was like something he’d say if he were in the ifth

grade,butknowingitwastrueandthattheyweretogethersortofnormalizeditall.

Myfirstboyfriend.Ihaveaboyfriend.Wetalkandweworkshitout,andhewantstoseeme

andfallasleepwithmewhenhegetshome.

The thoughts gave Christian goose bumps and he grinned. He felt a thousand times

better. There were still some nerves bouncing around because he didn’t know what to
expectoncetheywalkedoutofthisroomtogether,butthey’datleastbetogether.

He’dbeenstretchedoutinanarmchairononesideofthebed,hisfeetproppedonthe

mattress, when there was a light tapping at the door. Christian tugged the sheet higher up
Kevin’s body to cover his ass, a view he’d been enjoying since Kevin had rolled over and
kicked off the sheet. Rounding the bed, he straightened his hair with his hand and opened
thedoor.

Nothingtoseeinhere.Justacoupleofregularguys.
Jack was standing back a few steps and he nodded toward the stairs. “Risa’s making

somefoodandsheaskedmetotellyouguys.”

ChristianlookedoverhisshoulderatKevinwhowasstilllightsout,andhewasn’tsure

whattodo.“Shewon’tmindmecomingdownalone?Kev’sasleep.”

Jackmadeaface.“Noway;quitbeinglikethatandcomeon.”
Christianhadbarefeetandhedidn’tknowwhythatmadehimfeelvulnerable.Risawas

a twenty-year-old woman. He almost had a decade on her and he was concerned about his
barefeet?Maybeheshouldgetworriedabouthowshejustlearnedaboutthegaythingifhe
reallywantedtowastehisenergy.

Christian followed Jack downstairs to the small kitchen that he’d toured on his own

Friday night. Risa was silently working in front of the stove, ingredients and utensils set in
organized patterns on the counters. The table was ready with plates on one end and the
otherendwasladenwithabowloffreshcutfruit,andlittledishesthatwere illedwithwhat
he guessed were toppings. The entire downstairs smelled delicious, sweet and savory all at
once.

Jack walked up beside Risa, planted a kiss on top of her head, and told her Kevin was

asleep.Risaturned,seeingChristianwaiting,andofferedashy,tiredsmile.

“Ifiguredwecouldusesomethingcomfortingtoeat,butnottooheavy,soImadecrepes.

You can ill them with whatever you like,” she pointed at the dishes he’d just noticed, “and
haveasmanyasyouwant.”

Risa spoke quickly and breathlessly and Christian realized she was nervous too. They

werecirclingeachotheruncertainlyandJackwaswatchingimpatiently.

“Itlooksandsmellsgreat,”Christianoffered.“Thanks…”

JacksnatchedupaplatefromthetableandputitinRisa’shands.“You irst,babe,”he

said,thenhandedChristiananotherplate.“I’mstarving.”

Theywereallquietasthey illedtheirplatesandsatatthetable,andChristianstarted

towishhe’dremainedupstairs.Weretheygoingtochewforeachother’samusementforthe
nexthalfhour?

Jack took an enormous bite of one of six crepes he’d illed his plate with and rolled his

eyesinpleasure.“Damn,Ris,”hegarbledaroundthemouthful.Risasmiled,hereyeslighting
up,andturnedtoseewhatChristianthought.

He quickly took a bite and nodded his agreement. “Really good,” he inally managed

afterafewsecondsofchewing.“Kevinsaidthateverythingyoumakeisawesome.”

Sheshookherhead.“He’saliar.Askhimaboutthecrabcakesdebacle.”
The silence fell again, but it didn’t seem as heavy this time. Risa would look back and

forth between him and Jack, but wouldn’t say anything. Jack was focused on food and the
woman at his side, never letting a hand leave her for more than a moment. He was either
touching her leg, or her arm that was closest to him, or her hair. It made the scary-as-hell
dude somewhat like a real human. Risa was equally devoted to him. How odd that it had
takenthemsolongto igureeachotherout.Itwasalwayssmoothersailingfromtheoutside
lookingin,wasn’tit?

“So, Christian,” Risa glanced up at him timidly, “you work for the event company that

managedtheracetheguyswerein?”

“Yeah,”heanswered,surprised.“Ido.”
“Doyoulikeit?Howlonghaveyoubeendoingit?”
Christianswallowedhisbite.“Um,yeah,Istartedwhenthecompanywassmall—about

six years ago—and I’ve been with it ever since. I manage all race events nationwide. It’s a
nicegig.”

“Wow.Doesthatmeanyouhavetotravelalot?”
“ProbablymorethanIdidbeforeImovedhere,butIhavestaffthatdoalotofthat.It’s

a new job in the company for me, so I’m behind the desk more than I originally planned. I
cameherefromArizonaafewmonthsago.”

“Arizona?” Risa seemed startled. “Kevin said he met you traveling, but I didn’t know

he’dbeentoArizona.Wasitwhenhewasonsomesortoftraining?”

Christiandidn’tknowwhy,butheblushed.“No.A-actually,Ithinkhewasonvacation.I

methiminMexico.”

JackwashidingagrininanothercrepeandRisawasstaringwithwideeyes.“Youmetin

Mexico?Like,ataclub?”

Christian licked an errant drop of syrup from his thumb and felt Jack’s amusement

catchingon.Heknewshewasprobablypicturingdudesdancingwithoutshirtsbeneathlaser
lights.“Sortof.Notreally.”

“Didhepickyouup?”Risaasked,leaningforwardeagerly.
Jackstartedlaughing,nottryingtohideanymore,andChristianblushedredder,sortof

shrugging.

“Really?” Risa almost squealed. “I didn’t know he had it in him! Did he ask you to

dance?”

“Risa!Comeon,”Jackgrinned.“Givetheguyabreak.”
Risa abruptly realized how she was steamrolling her way into personal territory and

blanched.“I’msorry!”WhenChristiantriedtowaveheroff,sheshookherhead.“No,no.I’m
sorry. I was all in your face. I-I just can’t help it. I mean, I’ve thought he was straight for so

longandmaybeevenaladiesmanwhoneverbroughthisdateshome.It’ssocrazytogeta
glimpseoftheothersideofitall…”Shestoppedandtookadeepbreathandletitout.“I’m
sorry.”

Christian didn’t mind it. Not at all. He was sitting in Kevin and Risa’s kitchen talking

about how he met the man who’d tipped his whole world off its axis. He wasn’t forced into
secrecyorlies.Hecouldbehonestanditwasliberating.

“I get it,” Christian smiled. “You wouldn’t look at Kev and see any of this. But, no, he

didn’taskmetodance.Wewereoutsideaclubandwetalked.I’djustgraduatedcollegeand
wenttoCabotocelebrate.”

Risa was trying to slow down the inquisition, but the eager gleam was still popping in

hereyes.“Soyou’reyoungerthanhimbymorethanacoupleyears?”

Good question, Christian thought. He wasn’t exactly sure how old Kevin was. Best not

advertisethat.

“I’mtwenty-nine.”
Risawhistled.“Sixyears.Notbad.JackandIhaveyoubeat.”
Hmm. Now he knew. He was in an honest to goodness relationship with a thirty- ive-

year-old.Howmatureofhim.

“Kevin’sareallygooddancer,justsoyouknow.It’stoobadhedidn’taskyoutodance.

Backmeup,Jack.”

Jackwasaddingafewmorecrepestohisalreadyemptyplateandheliftedahandand

wobbleditbackandforthlike,he’sso-so.

“Jack!”
“Alright,”heusedthesamehandtowardheroff.“He’spretty lyforawhiteguy.Good

rhythm.”

Christian was suddenly inundated with mental images of Kevin rocking those hips and

movinglikeasex-god.Hebelievedit.Hewantedtoseetheguy’smovesonthefloor,too.

“Kevin’sactuallydancedinfrontofyou?”heasked.Thatdidn’tseemtomeshwithwhat

ChristianimaginedwasonKevin’slistofsanctionedactivitieswhileinpublic.

Risa was proving him wrong and nodding enthusiastically. “He took me to the Marine

CorpsBallacoupletimes.”Shepushedawayfromthetable,hurriedintothelivingroomand
camebackwithaframedpicture.“Thiswastwoyearsago.”

Kevin in camou lage was something to see. Kevin in dress blues was fucking stunning.

He was standing next to Risa in front of a curved staircase decorated with some kind of fall
garland. Risa was rocking a red gown, her black hair piled on her head with wisps let loose
hereandthere.Sheandherbrotherwerewaytoogorgeouswiththeirgreeneyesanddark
hair.Heshookhisheadinamazement.

“That’sanexcellentpicture,”hesaidsoftly,knowingthewordsdidn’tdothepairjustice.
“Wehadittakenbeforethedancingstartedsowewouldn’tlookallsweatyandgross.”
“Thatdresskillsme,”Jacksaid,pointingatitwithhisknife.“TwoyearsI’vehadthaton

myfridge—Kevinemailedittome.I’msurprisedIdidn’tbitemyownhandofflookingatit
everymorningreachingforthemilk.”

RisawentredtotherootsofherhairandlaughedsosweetlythatChristianfeltlikehe

wasintruding.HegrabbedanotherbiteofhiscrepeandthoughtofKevinasleepupstairs.He
could understand thinking about someone for years and feeling like he’d die if he couldn’t
havehimthewayhewantedhim.HowlonghadJackbeenthiswayaboutRisa,hewondered.
Atleasttwoyears…

A noise in the living room drew their attention and Christian turned to see Kevin

shuf ling sleepily into the kitchen wearing a t-shirt and workout pants. He looked like he
needed to sleep about three more days, but the grogginess was cute, bringing back a fuzzy
memoryofKevinwakingupinahotelroomhundredsofmilesawayandyearsago.

Christianstoodandpulledoutthelastavailablechair,scootinghisownclosertoRisa’sso

Kev would have a place to set his plate. Everyone was watching him, which only made him
feelmoreconspicuousabouthowtoact.

When he met Kevin’s eyes, he was relieved to see the start of a pleased smile that slid

quicklyaway.Christianunderstoodandsmiledforbothofthem.Justbecausethetruthwas
out,itdidn’tchangewhohismanwas,andKevinwasalwaysgoingtokeephisfeelingsclose.

“You look like you could sleep a little longer,” said Christian, his heart still hammering

wildly.

“Hungry,” Kev rasped, his voice still heavy with sleep as he patted his stomach. “The

smellwokemeup,Ris.”

Risa and Jack had forced their attention to their plates, so at Kevin’s words, Risa lifted

her head. “They’re pretty good. I thought breakfast crepes for dinner because…well, why
not?”

“Soundsgood—Christian,it’sokay,sitdown,”Kevinsaidgently,pattinghimsoftlyonthe

shoulder.

“I think he’s sweet,” Risa chimed in. “It’s always sweet when a guy stands when the

personhe’swithshowsup.”

Christian cringed internally, and maybe a little externally, while Jack snorted. Kevin

chose to ignore the whole thing and began illing his plate. He took the chair that Christian
hadpulledoutandsatdownlikehisjointsached.Poor,tiredthirty-five-year-old.

ConversationrevolvedaroundKevin’strainingandJack’sschool,takingtheweightoffof

Christian and Risa. She seemed happy, yet quiet, every now and then shooting curious
glances at her brother and Christian. It was going to take time for her to acclimate and he
was super conscious of that, not wanting to force her hand too soon by doing or saying the
wrongthing.

Kevin gestured as he spoke, and because he was right-handed and Christian was left-

handed, they were constantly bumping elbows as they ate, which meant that Christian was
trying not to smile freakishly through the whole meal. Their bare feet were side-by-side,
touching, and that wasn’t helping, either. It was like any more joy would make him explode
into happy goo all around the room. They’d be scraping him off of walls and inding bits of
himinthecornersforweeks.

“I told Christian that he has to see you dance,” Risa tossed in when there was a lull in

theconversation.

Kevincoughedalittleandgavehissisterasidelongglance.“Didyou?”
“AndItoldhimthatyou’relikeahorsewearingboots,clompingaroundthedancefloor,”

Jackthrewinhisownopinion.“Ialsotoldhimaboutallyourworstfears.”

KevinactuallylaughedandmetChristian’seyesquestioningly.“Andyou’restillhere.”
“They told me you were once a stripper.” Risa and Jack both laughed while Christian

keptastraightface.“TheysaidyourstagenamewasKevinCan-Do.Didyouactuallywearthe
handymancostume?Tear-awaycoveralls?”

Risahootedandthenmadeagaggingnoise.
“Ivotewechangethesubject,”Jackcried.
“I second that,” Kevin agreed, but he was smiling. “Kevin Can-Do,” he repeated when

onlyChristiancouldhearhim.“That’sridiculous.”

“I’dpaytoseeit.”
Kevin cocked an eyebrow and went back to his plate just as Jack announced he was

thinking of transferring schools to San Diego. Risa held up her hands when Kevin shot her
thatbigbrotherlookofhis.

“Heonlytoldmeanhourago!Youweresleeping.”
“That’skindofabigdecisiontomake,right?You’realmost inishedwithyourdegree.It

won’t set you back to transfer?” Kevin looked very protective and Christian couldn’t igure
outwhohewasbeingmoreprotectiveof,hissisterorhisbestfriend.

“Maybeoneortwoclasses.IcouldstillgraduatethisDecember.”
“Jack, it’s such a big decision—a move right now?” Risa worried aloud. “You have that

internshipinColoradoandalotofcontactsthere.”

JackgrippedRisa’shandwhereitrestedonthetable.“Ididn’tcomeupwiththistoday;

I’vebeendoingalotofresearch.”

“Howmuchresearch?”Kevin’stonewassternandknowing.
“Youknowthosecondoswiththegreatviewsthatwesawonthewayuptotherace?”
“Whataboutthem?”
“Imoveinnextmonth,startclassesatSanDiegoStateinthefall.I’vegotaninternship

lined up because my boss, Dr. Pallichek, hooked me up. It’s what I want.” He kissed Risa’s
fingersasshegaspedandhereyeswentmisty.“Okay,girl?”

Risanodded,tryingtohidehertears.
Christian was soaking everything in, his attention dancing from person to person while

Kevinstareddownhisbestfriend.

“Howlonghasthisbeentheplan?”
Jackshruggedandtookalongdrinkofwater,hisfreehandstillclutchingRisa’s.“Afew

months.”

“Butwedidn’t—”
JackinterruptedRisa,completelytuningoutChristianandKevinliketheyweren’teven

in the room. “You’ve been in my sights for a long time and I had a plan. I wasn’t going to
spend all my time in Colorado so you could meet some French pastry chef at school and
forgetmyname.”

“Youhadaplan,”sherepeatedbreathlessly.
“Ihadaplan.”
“No kissing at the table!” Kevin grumbled and Risa leaned forward to kiss Jack’s lips

anyway.

Christian helped clean up the kitchen with everyone else, going still at one point when

Risagrabbedhisarmtotakeacloserlookathistattoos.Hisinstinctiveresponsewastopull
away, but Kevin distracted Risa with a hug and gently dislodged Christian’s arm from her
grip,squeezinghishandashedidso.

Just one more reason to love the man. When something or someone was his, he looked

afteritallthetime,evenwhenheseemedlikehewasn’tpayingattention.

ThatinkwasChristian’s,butreally,itwasKevin’s.Alltheartledbacktothemaninfront

ofhim.Itwasalinkforthem,hesupposed.

By the time the kitchen was clean and the food put away, Kevin was bleary-eyed with

hisneedforsleep.Christiandidn’twanttomakehimfeelobligatedtostayawakebecausehe
was visiting, so when he whispered that he was going to go home, Kevin was too tired to
argue.

WhenRisaandJacksawthathewasleaving,theywalkedhimtothedoor.Jackshookhis

handwithaknuckle-crackinggripandRisasqueezedinforashyhug.“Comebacksoon,”she
murmured.

Kevin smiled at her and walked Christian outside where he waited while Christian

unlockedhistruck.

“I’msorryagainforeverythingthathappened.Itwasamess,but…”
“It’scoolnow,”Christiansupplied.“Everything’salright.”
Kevin reached out and grabbed his hand, gripping it tightly. “I wish I were in better

shapetohangouttonight,butI’moffmyasstired.”

“It’s okay; we’ve got time. Call me tomorrow?” Christian slid into the driver’s seat and

adrenalinepumpedthroughhissystemasKevinsteppedinclosetothecab.

“Iwill.Meetmeforcoffee?”Hecamecloserstill.
“Icandothat,”Christianwhispered,hiseyesautomaticallyfallingtoKevin’smouth,then

flyingbackuptohiseyes.

Kevin kissed him, one hand reaching in to gently grasp Christian’s jaw, and the other

bracinghimselfonthecaboftheHummer.Itwasaslow,sweetkissthatmadeChristiansigh
andKevinlaugh.“Imissedyou,Blondie.Ireallydid.”

“Missed you, too,” Christian murmured, his mouth still against Kevin’s and his heart

poundinglikehe’dbeenhandedthesunandwasmeltingfromtheheat.

315

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR

Kevin was a little late getting to the coffee shop so Christian was already there and

waitingforhimwhenhearrived.HisHummerwasparkedinthestreetagain,butthistime,
hewaswaitinginsidetheshop.AsKevinopenedthedoorandthebelljangledhisarrival,he
spottedChristianatoneofthetwo-persontablesandwatchedastheyoungermanstoodto
greethim.

Risa was right. It was really kind of sweet to see Christian do that and know it was

becauseofhim.

The place was packed with each table full and more people waiting in line. Instead of

queuinguplikeeverybodyelse,hewalkedtowardChristianandtriednottothinkaboutthe
other folks in uniform that might see his personal business acted out in front of them.
Christian got a ton of attention everywhere he went, he was such a goddamn looker, and
todaywasnoexception.HishairwasstyledinawayKevinknewhecouldneverdowithhis
ownhair—sayhegrewitoutaboutfouror iveinches—andthewhiteblondcolorwaslikea
beacontoeveryone’seyes.Notmanyofhistattsshowedbecausehewas wearing a button-
upshirtandblackslacks,buthe’drolledhissleevestoteaseabit.Theshirtwassomekindof
green.Risawouldprobablycallitseafoam…

ChristianlookedhotandKevinfelthisfacebreakinafullsmile.Hisman.
“Goodmorning,”hesaidoncehewasclose.
Christian beamed at him and settled back down into his seat, looking up in pleased

surprise when he felt Kevin’s quick squeeze of his hand. He hadn’t expected it and Kevin
likedcatchinghimoffguard.

“You don’t have to get in line; I ordered the usual for you,” Christian said proudly,

adjustinghischairand idgeting.“Theladysaidshe’dbringitoutforyouwhenyougothere.
I don’t think she trusted you were going to show because I came here the last two days
withoutresults.”

The words weren’t said with blame, yet they still upped the guilt Kevin felt and he

groanedregretfully.“God,I’msorry,”heapologized.“Suchadumbmistake.”

Almost as if she’d heard Christian’s announcement about the order, the barista—Tina,

maybe?—appearedatthetablewithato-gocupoftheteaheliked.She’daddedasconeto
theorderandsmiledflirtatiouslyasshesliditacrossthetable.

“We wondered where you were the last few days,” she cooed, playfully whacking

Christianontheshoulder.“Scone’sonthehouse.Wemissedyou.”

Kevin thanked her with a polite nod and as she walked away, obviously disappointed,

Christianlaughedathim.“Justlookatthosewallsgoup.Youshutthatgirldown.”

Kevcockedhisheadtothesidequestioningly.“WouldyouratherIencouragedher?”
“I didn’t say that.” Christian lifted his coffee cup in salute. “She wrote her number on

thebagforyou.”Hepulleditoversohecouldreadit.“Trina…”

Oh.Trina.NotTina.Whatever.
“I’llsavethenumberandgiveittoMoney,”Kevinoffered,testingtheheatofhisdrink.

Yikes,stilltoohot.“She’lllovetheswitch.”

Christian’s lips gave an irritated twitch at the mention of Money’s name and Kevin

almostdidn’tcatchit.“What’sthatface?”

“Nothing,” he grumbled. “Irrational jealousy, I guess. I saw him and didn’t like him on

principle. He reminds me of—” Christian abruptly cut off what he was about to say and
Kevinactuallyglared.HeknewwhoMoneyremindedhimof.

“ZaneWhitlow?”
Christian’seyes lewtoKevin’sandtohiscredit,hedidn’tlookaway.Leaninginoverhis

drink,hecrossedhisarms,restingthemonthetable.“Yeah.ZaneWhitlow.”

Logically,Kevinknewhehad nothingtoworryabout,buthewasn’trocksteadywhenit

cametomemoriesofthattabloidpictureandthewholetrashystorypublishedalongwithit.
Hetookadrinkofhisteatoofastandscaldedhisthroat.

“Isawthemagazinepicofyouwithwhat’shisname.”
“Thatcameoutwhenyouweredeployed,”Christiananswered,startled.
“Wegetmagazinesoverthere.Eventabloids.”
“Yourecognizedme?”
“Hellyes,Irecognizedyou.”
Christian stunned him with a smug smile. “Glad to know I wormed my way into your

headsomehow.”

If he only knew. Kevin gritted his teeth and reminded himself that if Christian wasn’t

tripping over himself in defense of what happened, maybe it wasn’t a big deal. Who could
trustwhattabloidswroteanyway—although,thosepictureswerehardtoarguewith.

“Youkissedhim,”KevinpointedoutandChristiangaveasexybarkoflaughter,sosure

ofhimself.

“Idid,”headmitted.“Andgotrejectedbigtime.Iwastryingmybesttostirupshitandit

worked.Thatwasayounger,moreimmatureversionofme.”

“I saw you and I thought, he came out and he’s with this guy…” Kevin said quietly,

uncomfortable admitting the truth because he knew Christian was going to be honest with
himaboutwhathappened.Hewasn’tsurehewantedtoknow,butthattabloidhadhaunted
himformonthsandifhedidn’t indoutthetruth,itwouldprobablycontinuehauntinghim
forever.

“Itwasn’tlikethat.Itwasmorelike,Ikissedaguy,gotrejectedhard,andwasouted,”he

paused and made a face like he was thinking it over. “Yeah. That’s what it was like.” At
Kevin’s irritated expression, he chuckled. “God, you’re hot when you get tough like this. I
knewthatMarkwasn’tinterestedinbeingwithme.HewasbroodingoverZane,whomImet
atprettymuchthesametimehedid,andIwantedtobeadickaboutit.Theeasiestwayto
dothatwastokissMark.Thetabloidsweren’tapartoftheplan;itjustworkedoutthatway.
SowhenIsawyourbuddy,Money,withyou,IthoughtIwasfucked.Ifyouwerewithhim,I
couldn’tcompete.”

ClearlyBlondieunderratedhisappeal.Kevin’sheartwasonarollercoaster,andsowas

histemper.ChristianhadawayofframinghissentencessothatKevwentfromjealousback
todocileagaininseconds.Heknewhewasbeingahardass,buthewantedtostakehisclaim
on Christian—he even wanted to stake it into the past and smash this Mark guy into the
earth.ZaneWhitlow,too,whilehewasatit.

“Money is one hundred percent straight. He knows he’s good looking and most of the

time,he’sadick,buthe’smyfriend.That’sall.”

Christiannoddedhisacceptance.“AndMarkisgay, married,andoneofmyonlyfriends

now. He knows about you because I boo-hooed about you on several occasions. He knew
about you before the kiss and told me I was a coward, actually. And that’s all. Technically, I
have him to thank for talking sense into me so I didn’t totally screw up when I saw you

again.”

“Heknowsaboutme?”Kevinasked,pleased.
Christiangrinned,nodding.“Yep.”
Kevinsoftenedalittle.“Good.”
That sexy laughter sounded again and Kevin’s stomach jumped. “You have nothing to

worryaboutfromme,Kevin.I’minthis.Norunning.I’llalwaysbeup-frontwithyou.”

Kevin took another drink of tea and let his eyes roam over Christian—his hair, eyes,

mouth,andbody.Ithadbeensuchalongtimesincehisworldfeltbalanced,sincebeforehis
parents died. Now that feeling was beginning to return. Maybe he’d have the guts to tell
Christianatsomepoint.

Hewatchedthemanacrossfromhimamomentlongeranddecided,Whatthehell?
“I haven’t told you—I don’t even know the right way to tell you—but you’reexactly

whatIneedinmylife,”heblushedandstareddownatthetable.Dammit,whywerefeelings
sohardtospitout?His ingerswenttorubbingawayatascratchinthewoodashetriedto
saytherightthing.“Youweresodifferentwhenwemetandtheyearsaparthaveprobably
been good for both of us, but I-I’m just so fucking glad you’re around again. Glad you’re
mine,youknow?”

ChristianwassilentandstillacrossfromhimandittookamomentforKevintoforcehis

headuptoseehowtheothermanwastakingtheconfession.Therewasthefaintesttraceof
moistureinhiseyesandseeingit,Kevthoughthisheartwouldturntoglassandshatter.

“You’re mine, okay?” Kevin breathed, inding it easier to be himself the longer he held

Christian’sgaze.

Christianclearedhisthroatandswipedhishandoverhismouth,revealingtoKevinhow

affectedhewas.“Yeah.Okay,”hewhispered.“That’s…perfect,”heansweredhoarsely,acting
likehewasworkinghardtolockupsomeoftheemotion.

Beneath the table, Kevin found Christian’s leg and gave it a squeeze. “I wanted you to

know.”

Christian gave a shaky nod and his eyes misted again before he pressed his palms to

them.“Fuckinghell,”hechuckledinembarrassment.“Sorry!”

“Noworries.”
Christian sniffed and coughed a couple times. “I just wasn’t expecting to hear that. I

wasn’texpectingforsomethingthisgoodtohappentome.God,sorry—mydamneyeswon’t
shutoff.I’mlikeSelenaoverhere.”

Kevin squeezed his leg one more time and caught a glimpse of the time on the coffee

bean-shapedclockhangingonthewall.

“Igottagetintowork—Ididn’trealizeIwascuttingitsoclose,”hegrabbedhisto-gocup

andthebaggedsconeasChristiancheckedthetimeonhisphone.

“Damn.Nokidding.Willyougethassledaboutit?”
Kevin eased through the crowd with Christian at his heels. “Doubt it. The entire

Companyisinthearmorytodaycleaningweapons.We’reoutatnoon.”

“Youactuallygetahalfday?”
“It’sararity,butyeah.”
AttheJeep,Christianheldopenthedoorlikehehadthe irsttimetheymetattheshop,

leaning in close enough that Kevin could smell the soap he’d used that morning and
whateverstuffhe’dusedinhishair.Hesmelledgood.

“Idon’tknowifitwillworkforyou,butIgethomearoundfive.Youcancomeoverifyou

want,”Christianinvited.

“Iwant.”
Theexpressionontheyoungerman’sfacewasbetterthananythingKevinhadseenina

longtime.BlondieblushedandsmiledsowidelythatmysteriouslittledimplesKevinhadn’t
noticedbeforepoppedintoview.

“Seeyouaroundfive,then,”Christianmurmured.
KevinstarteduptheJeepandChristianbackedawaywithasmallwave.Theywereboth

grinninglikeidiots.

***

“Jesus!Whatareyoudoing?”
Christian yelped like a girl and teetered on the step stool he was using as Kevin

announced his arrival with his best Gunnery Sergeant holler. His arms windmilled for
balance and before he went down in what was sure to be a painful fall, a irm grip on his
hipsstoppedhismomentum.

“Shit!”hegasped,thenreleasedanervouslaugh.“Youscaredme.”
“Whatareyoudoing?”Kevinasked,irritationhidinghisconcern.
“Hangingartwork.”Wasn’titobvious?
“Youdon’thavealadder?”
Christiangavealooklike,YouthinkI’dbeusingastepstoolontopofanoldchestifIhada

ladder?

“Well,I have a ladder,” Kevin snarled, “and you can borrow it! Goddamn! You could’ve

brokenyourfuckingneck.”

“Iwassupposedtobedonewiththisbeforeyougothere.Iwasbeautifying.”Christian

pointedtothetwoinkdrawingshe’dalreadyhung,thenfrowned.Theywerecrooked.

“I’ll bring you the ladder. Just get your ass off of this thing.” Kevin’s hands were still

tightly holding Christian’s hips and it was sending happy little tingles through his
extremities. Maybe he’d stay up there and gyrate a bit until he busted into pieces. “Down,”
Kevingrowled,droppinghishands.

Aw.Damn.
Christianmadehiswayoffthestool,ontothechest,andthenjumpedtherestoftheway

tothe loor.Kevinwasglaring,butthelookfadedwhenChristiansteppedupandwrapped
his arms around the man’s waist. They were nose to nose and after a couple seconds of his
bestrepentantsmileatfullpower,Kevinsuccumbedandkissedhim.

ItwaswarmandsweetandeverythingChristianhadbeenlookingforwardtoallday.He

wantedittolastlonger,butKevinpulledbackandscowledagain.

“Youcan’tgetoutofeverythingwithkisses.”
“Yousure?”heasked,stealinganotherquickpeck.
Kevin reached around and swatted him hard on the ass and he yelped for the second

timeintoofewminutes.Thatshitstung!

“I’msure.”
Christianrubbedathisstingingcheekbutsmiled.“Ilikehowprotectiveyouare.It’sthe

wayyoushowyoucare.I’venoticed.”

Kevinmadeafaceandpretendedtobecomeabsorbedinthearthangingonthewalls.

Thecrookedart.

“Don’ttryandhideit,”Christianwhisperedplayfully.“DoyouwanttoknowhowcloseI

was to dancing when you told those fratties at that party what you’d do if they laid a hand
onme?”

The tips of Kevin’s ears were bright red and he licked a sidelong look Christian’s way.

Hisjawtightenedandhisarms lexed.Itwasatremendousturnontowatch.HisMarinewas
sobutchitheatedChristianupinstantlywhenheactedlikethis.

WalkingupbehindKevin,heslidhishandsoverdenim-cladhipsandrestedhischinon

Kev’sshoulder.

“I could stand here all night and list the things about you that drive me out of my

fuckingmind,”hemurmured.“Yourjaw…”ChristiankisseditlightlyandKevinsighedalittle.
“How you tighten up when someone gets under your defenses.” He ran his hands upward
overKevin’schest,downacrosshisstomach,andbacktohiships.“Thewayyoumovethese
hipswhenyou’reontopofme.”Christianthrustforwardslowlyatthesametimehepulled
Kevinagainsthimandgotalowgroaninreturnforhistroubles.“Yourpower…”

HenippedatKevin’searlobeandtrailedkissesalonghisnecktohisshoulder,hiscock

growing hot and hard. Kevin spun in his arms and used his body to force Christian back
againstthewall.Theywereface-to-faceagainandKevin’seyeswereglintinglikeemeraldsin
thelight.

“Letmeseeyourbody,”hecommanded.
Christiantippedhischinuplikehewasn’tgoingtocomply,knowinghismanwouldtake

whathewanted.

Kevin’shandcaughtthehemofhisshirtandshotbeneathit,ridingoverChristian’sskin

with rough intent before dropping to his belt and undoing it in a breath. The ly was next
andKevinwassuddenlygrippinghimhardwithonlycottonseparatingthem.

“Doyouwanttoknowwhatgetstome?”hehissedinalowvoice.“Hmm,Christian?”
Thegriponhiscocktightenedandhiseyesrolledbackinhishead.Damn!
“Thisblondhair,”Kevingrowled,hisfreehandcombingthroughitandgrabbingtoget

Christian’s attention. His other hand never stopped down below and it was getting more
dif icult to breathe. “Your eyes that drive a spear through the center of me every time you
lookatme.”KevinreachedfortheshirtagainandyankeditupuntilChristian’sstomachand
chest were exposed. “This ink—this sad and beautiful fucking tribute you’ve made of your
body…Iloveit,Christian.Iloveallofit.”

It was like both of them realized at the exact same moment what Kevin had said and

they froze, their heavy breathing the only sound between them. They stared into one
another’seyesandKevinswallowed.Finally,heliftedbothhandsandgently,reverently,took
holdofChristian’sjaw.“Ido,”heraspedintothestillness.“Iloveyou.Iloveallofyou.”

Christian’s lip trembled and Kevin kissed him tenderly, the passionate lashover of a

moment before smoldering beneath the surface. With his mind spinning and his chest
heaving,Christiandidn’tknowifhisbodywastryingtosob,laugh,ordierightonthespot.

HecrushedKevintohimandreturnedthekissfervently.Whentheyeventuallypulled

backandtheireyesmet,Christianshookhisheadinfrankdisbelief.

“Kevin…youaretheonlypersonthatI’veeverreallyloved,”hewhispered.“I’mgoingto

doitright.IsweartoGod.”

TheybothnoddedlikeadealhadbeenstruckandKevinheldhimforalongtime.

329

S.E.CULPEPPER

CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE

A little over a month later, Kevin and Risa were heading to Jack’s new place to unload

thetruckhe’drentedtomoveallofhisstuffintothenewcondo.Risawas idgetingexcitedly
in the passenger seat because she hadn’t seen her boyfriend in three weeks. Kevin could
empathize.

Christian had been out of town managing an event in New York for the past week and

his light was getting in around noon. He was going to drive straight over from the airport
and help move the ungodly-sized lat screen into the house. Kevin had a grip on his
excitementbecausehepreferrednottogrinstupidlyeverywherehewent,butthethrillwas
there. Risa threw a couple knowing looks his way anyhow, so maybe a little happiness was
ekingthrough.

MoneyandEsteweresupposedtobeintownbyeightinthemorning,butnooneever

knew what might’ve happened to them the night before to keep them running late. Their
presence was the only thing Kevin was concerned about. The pair knew about him and
Christian—wordgotaroundeventhoughKevinhadn’tmentionedit—andhewasconcerned
abouttheirreactions.

This was where he felt life really got confusing. He didn’t think it’d be possible to care

andnot careatthesametime,butthat’sexactlywhatwasgoingon.Hewasgay.Hewas ine
withitandhedidn’treallygiveashitwhetherornotpeoplethoughthewasanabomination,
yet, these guys—his closest friends aside from Jack—obviously had opinions about this and
hecouldn’thelphopingthey’dbeokaywithitandmoveon.

NeitherMoneynorEstehaddiscussedthesubjectwithhimsincetheylearnedthetruth.

AllcommunicationseemedtobeflowingthroughJack,whichwasn’tagoodsign.Kevinhoped
thatiftheyallgottogether,they’dseethathewasn’tanydifferentthanhewasbefore.Well,
hewasahundredtimeshappier,butotherwise…

Jack was at the back of the truck when they pulled up, wrestling with the latch on the

doors. Risa didn’t even wait for the Jeep to stop before her seatbelt was off. Once they
parked,shewasoutofthecarandthrowingherselfintoJack’swaitingarms.Hisbuddy’sgrin
waswideandKevincouldhearhislaughterfromthefrontseat.

Thiskindofthingwasarealshiftfromtheshysqueezesthetwousedtoexchange,but

he could say one thing about Jack: He treated Risa like she was everything that kept his
worldgluedtogether.Risaseemedtofeelthesameabouthim.

There’d been so many changes to their lives in the last two months. Good changes. It

made him think of his parents and he wondered if they’d be proud of how everything was
working out. He wished they could see Risa’s smile and Jack’s face whenever he looked at
her.Hethoughtthey’dlikehowmuchRisahadopenedup.Maybethey’dlikethatthesame
thingwashappeningtotheirsonaswell.Kevinwouldgiveanythingtogobackandtellthem
whohewas;hewould’velikedforthemtoknowhim.

The anniversary of their passing was only the week before. He and Risa had spent it

alone.Itwouldalwaysbearoughdayforthem,somberandre lective,butthiswasthe irst
yearthattheabsencedidn’tpressinontheminsuchanallencompassingway.Christianhad
already been on the road, but he called irst thing in the morning to check in. Kevin still
wasn’tusedtohavingsomeone,asidefromRisa,whowantedtohelpcarrytheburden.

Risa said something to Jack right then that made him laugh and it grabbed Kevin’s

attention.ShelookedsoliketheirmomthatKevin’schestgaveaweakspasm.Feelingssuck,
hethought.

He got out and slapped palms with Jack before asking after Este and Money. Jack got a

funnylookonhisfaceandshrugged.

“Este’s inside; Money didn’t come down,” he explained, looking everywhere but at

Kevin.“He’sgotanewgirlfriendorsomethingandtheyalreadymadeplans.”

Right. Since when did Money ever settle on one girl? They all knew what was really

goingon.

Risa patted his arm and knowing him well, she quickly moved away to help with the

latch.Hersmallerhandsandpatiencehadthelockundoneandthedoorsopeninlessthan
halfthetimeitwould’vetakenJack.Hewasexplaininghowhewantedtounloadeverything
whenEstemadehisappearance,hisarmstillinasling.

Kevincouldseehisfriendwastryingtoactlikeeverythingwascool,buthiswordsand

his gestures were over the top. He’d make eye contact, then immediately look away like he
was accidentally seeing Kev naked. So, normalcy was out. At least Este made the trip down,
Kevinthought.HehopedthattheweirdnessevenedoutbeforeChristianshowedupbecause
thatwasgoingtostirtheshitalloveragain.

He’d been spending almost all his free time with Christian, sometimes inviting Risa

along,sometimesnot.Christianwasirrevocablyapartofhim—that’sthewayKevinlikedto
look at it. He could count on one hand the people he needed, like reallyneeded, and to him,
thatwasagoodthing.Itmadehimvaluethemallthemore.

Jacktookpointontheunloading,gentlytossingdownthelightitems,likelampshades,to

Risa’s waiting arms and then he jumped down to help Kevin and Este with the heavy
furniture. They’d been at it for a couple hours when the three of them ended up crammed
intoahallway,eachholdingpartofalongcouch,andcompletelystucktryingtogetitaround
aslightbendandintoabedroom.

Jack was closest to the bedroom door and sandwiched against the wall, while Este was

pinched between the couch and the bend in the hallway, his good arm working overtime.
Kevin’s position rivaled theirs because the heaviest part of the couch—the end with the
goddamn built-in recliner—had him pinned and carrying the bulk of the weight. Risa was
theonlysmartoneandhaddisappearedtogogetthemfood.

“I’mtellingyou,wegottamoveitEste’sway—”Jackpointedwithhischin.
“There’snofuckingroomtomoveitmyway!”Estecouldbarelyseeoverthetopofthe

couch,buttheupperhalfofhisfacelookedpissed.

“If we’re going toargueabout this shit, can we ind a way to put this down? Or maybe

chooseadifferentroomaltogether?”Kevinjoinedin.

They all glared at one another and Jack pushed the couch back Kevin’s way, smashing

hiselbowagainstthetexturedwall.

“Motherfucker!”hehissed,readytosnap.“Thisisn’tgoingtowork!”
“Youknowwhat?Maybeifwetakethedooroff...?”Jackofferedupthoughtfully.
Kevinscowled.“Takethedooroff?Isthatgoingtowidenthehallway?”
“No, I think it could work,” Jack insisted. “Let me go get my tools. Este, crawl under the

couchandholdmyend.I’llonlybeasec.”

“This thing is heavy! And he’s a gimp!” Kevin shouted. “Let’s igure out a way to put it

down.”

“Berightback.Hangloose,buddy.”

If Kevin could’ve somehow negotiated a way to stick his leg out and trip Jack as he

squeezed by, he would’ve. He and Este were alone now, grunting and shifting the couch
everyfewseconds.Sincehistemperwasalreadyshottohell,hestaredhardatEsteuntilhis
friendlookedathim.

“What’sthedealwithMoney?”
Este cursed. “He said he was busy; he must be busy. He’s got a new girl he’s trying to

impress.”

“Bullshit. Money doesn’t have to do anything to impress women. He doesn’t see any of

themmorethanonce,either.YouthinkIdon’tknowwhat’sgoingon?”

“Don’t talk to me about this,” Este hurled the words at him then groaned as he shifted

thecouchagaininhisoneusefulhand.“It’smessedup! How’d you think we’d react? All this
time—youtoldalotoflies,pal.”

“Ineverlied. If you thought something about my personal life, it was all based on your

assumptions.Ididn’tgetwithwomen.Ididn’tpretendto.Don’tfuckingtellmeIlied.”

“You—”anothergroanandshift,“—ledustobelieveyouweresomethingyouweren’t.

You’dmakecommentsaboutwomenallthetime.”

“And because I’m gay I’m incapable of determining whether or not a woman is

attractive?IneversaidIwantedtoscrewthem!”

“Mierda!Canwemovethisintotheotherroom?Itain’tgonnafitwherehewantsit.”
Kevin jerked the couch back and to the side, dislodging it from the bend and scraping

offalayerortwoofelbowskinintheprocess,thenthetwoofthempenguin-walkeditdown
thehallthewaythey’dcome,practicallythrowingitagainstawallintheoffice.

Estewasstaringathispinched ingerswithanangryscowlandwhenhelookedup,his

jaw tightened. Without warning, he shot forward and pushed Kevin backward just hard
enough that Kevin’s ass ended up planted on Jack’s desk, scattering a lamp and a stack of
books.Inareal ighthewouldpoundEsteintothegroundlikearailroadspike,buthedidn’t
trytodefendhimself.Itwasn’tlikethat.

“You pinched my ingers!” Este shouted. “And you should’ve told us the truth! That’s

important shit and you kept it to yourself. It’s like we didn’t know a goddamn thing about
you.”

“Look at you,” Kevin yelled back. “This is why I didn’t want to talk about it. You two

wouldactlikethiswassomethingyougottovoteon.Ifyoucan’tgrowup,thenfuckyouand
fuckoff.”

“Fuckme?”Estespat.“Fuckyou.Tellmetofuckoff?Youfuckoff.”
So many “fucks” were lying around that it suddenly struck Kevin as funny and he

laughedinspiteoftheadrenalinespiralingthroughhisbody.Estewasglaringthunderously,
butonlybecausehewas ightingsohardnottolaugh,too.Hismouthwastwitchinglikehis
lipswereattachedtoinvisiblestringsbeingtuggedinalldirections.

“You’regay,”hehalf-hollered.“That’ssomethingIwould’velikedtoknow.”
“Idon’twanttoscrewyou,ifthat’swhatyouthink.I’veneverwantedto,”Kevinadded

forcontinuity’ssake,stillinclinedtolaughversuskickhisfriend’sass.

Estewasabouttospeakwhenhefroze,mouthopen.“Whynot?”heblurted.“I’mdoable,

right?You’veseenmedance!”

“Nowyou’remadbecauseIdon’twanttosleepwithyou?”
Estelookedconfused,hisbrowsloweringinadarklinebeforehegavealittledryheave.

Risa’svoicerangoutfromsomewhereinthehouse,announcingthearrivaloffoodandKevin
movedpasthisfriendandtowardthedoor.

“You’dbeluckytogetanasslikemine,”Esteprotested.
“You’realittlelowtotheground.”
“Lookatyourarms!Youcouldpickmeupeasy.”
Kevin rolled his eyes and turned to face Este. “Seriously? You’re talking logistics now?

SoundslikeI’dhavetodoallthework.”

Este took immediate offense. “I’m one hundred percent Latino,pendejo. We’re born

knowinghowtoplease.”

“Thenblowme,”Kevingrowled,walkingaway.Hewasallthewayin the kitchen when

heheardEsteyellingafterhim.

“Thisoffendsme,”heshouted.“I’dprobablybeagoodqueerifIhadtobe.Lovin’isall

inthehipswithalittlehelpfromthelips!”

Jack and Risa caught the tail end of Este’s rant and they both gave Kevin a funny look.

“Threehourstogetherandyou’vealreadygothimsetupasswitchhitter?”Jackasked.

“I’veoffendedhim.”
Jack’seyebrowsliftedasEstesaunteredintotheroomlookingirritated.“You’renothis

type,Esteban,”hegrinned.“YousawChristian.”

Este lippedthemoffandthenapologizedforthegesturetoRisa.“I’meverybody’stype,

asshole.”

“Arewecool,ornot?”Kevinaskeddirectly,lookingEstestraightintheface.“I’dlikefor

thistobeputbehindus.”

“Ibetyou’dlikealotofthingsbehindyou.”
“Nice,”Kevingrumbledsarcastically.“Waitingtousethatoneforawhile?”
“Nah, I just thought that shit up on the ly.” Este grinned and let the smile slowly fade.

“I’m a good Catholic boy—or maybe a bad Catholic boy—but I’m cool with this… We’re
brothers.Idon’tlikebeingoutoftheloop,though.”

“Well,nowyou’reinit.VIPstatus.”
Este shrugged okay with his good shoulder and grabbed a huge sub sandwich off the

counter.“Moneywillcomearound,”hesaidaroundamouthful.

“Whether he does or he doesn’t…” Kevin’s words faded and he glanced away. “It

doesn’tchangeanything;it’shisdecisionandI’lllethimmakeit.”

He felt the way they each looked at one another and then at him, but it was Este who

steppedintodissipatethetension.

“The couch is in your of ice,” he announced to Jack. “It ain’t going in that bedroom no

matterhowmanydoorsyouyankoffthehinges.”

“Iknow,”Jackansweredpleasantly.“Ijustwantedyoutwotoclearupyourbiz.”

***

Kevinwasinthefrontroomwithalevel,hisheavy-dutydrill,andastud inder,tryingto

igure out the best place to hang a lat screen TV that weighed more than his Jeep. Risa

lookedonthoughtfullyassheplayedwithatapemeasureandwaitedfordirection.Thiswas
goingtobemorethanatwo-personjobbutJackwasarguinginthebackbedroomwithEste
aboutanIkeashelfsystemtheyweretryingtoputtogether.ThelastthatKevinheardwasa
stringofSpanishcursesfollowedbyEsteshoutingabouthowtheinstructionswereuseless.

Kevinsquaredhisshouldersandclimbeduponastepstool.IttookhimandRistwenty

minutestogettheplacementrightandmakesureeverythingwasperfectbeforehedrilled

holesintothestuds.

“GogetEsteandJackandwe’lldragtheTVinside,”hesaidtohislittlesister,leaninginto

thedrillabitwhenitgaveawhineofprotestoncontactwiththestud.

Kevinstartedonanotherholeandwhenheleanedback,thevoicehe’dbeenwaitingto

hearalldaysoundedoverhisshoulder.

“You’regoodwithadrill,”ChristiansaidsoftlyandKevinturnedtoseehimstandingin

thedoorway.Withacommentlikethat,hewould’veexpectedto indChristiansmirking,but
insteadhehadanalmosttenderlookonhisfacethatbroughtafullsmiletoKevin’slips.

“Hey,” he murmured, stepping slowly off the stool to the ground. They watched one

another silently and Kevin wanted to chuckle when he saw what Christian was wearing.
“Niceshirt.Where’dyougetit?”

Christiangaveashortlaughandgrabbedthehemofthet-shirtashelookeddownatit.

In military-style stenciled letters over a green background was the wordMARINES and
beneath it in smaller letters it said “Do It Better.” The Corps Bulldog mascot was also
featured.

“Igotitatthiscoolmilitarysouvenirshopthatwasabouttenmilesfromtheeventsite.

It was a ma and pop joint.” His eyes darted up to Kevin’s again and then immediately back
down. “It was either this shirt or one that said‘My Marine Loves Me.’ This one though? I
couldn’thavesaiditbettermyself.”

“Thatso?”
Christianmadeanoisethatsoundedlikeayes,butitwasn’tquiteclear,andtheredin

hischeeksheightened.ItmadeKevinwanttoholdhimforacouplehours.“Doyouwantme
tochange?”Blondiehesitated.“Mybagsareinmycar…”

Kevin waited for him to look up again and when he did, he shook his head and closed

the distance between them. He ran a hand over Christian’s shoulder until it rested at his
napeandhisthumbtracedbackandforthonthesoftskinbeneaththeotherman’sear.

“Missedyou,Blondie…”
“Yeah?”Christianbreathed,hiseyeshopefullikehedidn’talreadyknowhowoffKevin

feltwithouthimaround.

“Mm-hmm.”
TheirbodieswerecloseandtheonlymoveChristianhadmadetoreturnhistouchwasa

couplefingershookedintoKevin’sbeltloop.

“Imissedyouback,”ChristianwhisperedasKevin’smouthdrewcloser.
“Youlookgood,”hemurmured,hislipsnowgrazingagainstChristian’switheachword.

“Youlookreallygood.”

Christian’s lips dropped open and his eyes luttered closed. Kevin’s followed as he

delved into a searingly sweet kiss that made his soul sigh in relief. His man was home; now
Kevinwashome,too.

Christian’shandsreacheduptogripKev’sarmsandas leetingastheirembracewas,it

was exactly what they needed. They both stepped back at the same time and found Risa
hoveringattheedgeoftheroom,herbacktothem.

Kevin knew she’d probably gotten an eyeful and it didn’t bother him that she’d seen

him kissing a man, it was that she’d seen him kissing at all. He’d have to get used to that
sensation,heremindedhimself.Onethingatatime.

“Coast’sclear,”hesaid,hopingshedidn’tturnaroundandavoidhiseyes,butshedidn’t

payanyattentiontohimatall.

“Christian!Didyouhaveagoodflight?”sheasked,givinghimaneasyhug.

Christian seemed genuinely surprised at the warm welcome and Kevin had to hide a

smile.Risawasthoroughlydazzledbyhisboyfriend.

“It was long,” he admitted. “It makes you restless when there are only good things

you’re coming home to.” His eyes licked to Kevin and back to Risa, who was smiling up at
himinunderstanding.

“Well,wemissedyouand—”
“Blondie!”Jackbarkedassoonashecameintheroom,accidentallyinterruptingRisa.
Kevinglaredathisbestfriend.NooneelsegottocallChristian“Blondie.”ThatwasKev’s

right alone. The nickname went back six years to the irst night they saw each other. He
would’ve said something, but Christian gave his shoulder a quick squeeze and he shut his
mouth.

JackhelduphishandsallIgetit;nonicknames.“Imeanttosay,Christian,”headdedwith

apointedlookatKevin.“You’rejustintimetohelpwiththeTV.”

The two of them slapped palms and Este chose that moment to enter, a small Allen

wrenchtuckedbehindhisear.Kevingavehimcreditfornotsimplyfreezingonthespot,but
thejerkyheadnod,reminiscentofhisteenageyearsinElPaso,wasobviouslyatest.Leaveit
up to Este, the shortest man in a ive block radius and the only one sporting a sling, to
challengeChristianwhotoweredoverhimandknewhowtoswinganelbow.

Blondiecockedhishead.“How’sthecollarbone?”
“Doc says it could take four months to heal all the way,” Este admitted coolly. The guy

likedattention,though,soitwouldn’tbelongbeforehewastellingeveryone the horrors of
livingwithafuckedupclavicle.

“Too bad,” Christian mumbled and from his voice and expression Kevin couldn’t tell if

hemeantit.

“Alright,” he interjected, drawing everyone’s eyes. “Can we move the tv now that you

twoarebestbuddies?”

ThateveningafterthetruckwasemptyandJack’shousewascrammedwithunopened

boxes,KevinfollowedChristiantothecondo.Thesecurityguardatthegaterecognizedhim
and waved him through with a curious expression and instead of frowning back like he
usuallymight,Kevinsmiledpolitely.Theyweregoingtobeseeingalotofoneanother.

HeparkedonthestreetinfrontofChristian’sandhurriedupthedrivetodragthebags

fromthebackseatbeforeBlondiecouldgettothem.

“Icanhandlethatstuff,”saidChristian,hisshynessreappearing.
“SocanI.”
Christian shook his head and led them inside. “You can set them on the trunk; I’ll deal

withthemlater.Kevindidashewastoldanddidn’twasteasecondbeforecurlinghisarms
aroundChristian’swaist.Heranexploringhandsupanddowntheman’sbackandletouta
hummingsigh.

“I love you,” Christian whispered. “Seeing you makes me want to say it over and over

again.”

KevintiltedhisheadbackandmetChristian’seyes.Thetendernesshefeltfortheman

in his arms was already stronger than Kevin ever thought it could be. He swept a hand
throughtheshiningstrandsofblondhairandtouchedhisnosetoChristian’s.Therewasno
reason for him to be so shy about saying the words—the only explanation was his habit of
avoiding such personal and deep emotional revelations—yet, he wasn’t going to change
everyaspectofhispersonality.HebelievedChristianknewthatandunderstood.

“YouknowhowIfeel…”Kevinwhispered,colorrisingtohischeeks.

“Yes,”Christiannodded,theirnosesbrushingoncemore.“Youloveme.”
Kevinclearedhisthroatasthosewordsfelloverhimlikefire.“Ido.”
They kissed, then held one another a long time, never leaving the entryway to venture

further into the house. Kevin’s eyes closed as he tightened his hold and buried his face
against Christian’s neck. No one would assume such sweetness could exist between them,
andnoonewasmoresurprisedthanKevin,either.Thatitdidexistmadehimsoincredibly
gratefulthathefearedlosingitallthemore.

They ordered in and after eating and dozing on the couch next to one another, Kevin

cleared the empty plates from the coffee table and tiptoed into the kitchen so he wouldn’t
disturbastill-sleepingChristian.Heglancedbackoverhisshoulderattheblondandforced
himselftokeepmovingsotheguycouldgetsomerest.Whenhewaslookingallinnocentand
younglikethat,itwasn’teasytowalkaway.HepicturedwakingChristianupwithakissand
thethoughthadhisbodyringingwithexcitement.

Kevin loaded the dishwasher and threw out trash—he even wiped down the counters

and carefully stacked the week’s mail that had been scattered at the end of the kitchen
island.

Thesoundofmusic ilteredintothekitchenandKevrecognizeditimmediatelyfromhis

youngerdaysclubbingwiththeguys.Helaughedquietly. Christian liked The Pussycat Dolls.
Whoknew?

Oneofthedollswassingingabouthowaguywas“fronting”andKevingotanidea.The

grin that spread across his face was full of sexual intent and he walked back into the living
roomto indChristiannowstretchedoutoverthelengthofthecouchwithasleepy,tousled
look. He smiled and stretched, but his expression swiftly turned to surprise when Kevin
shovedthecoffeetableoutoftheway.Christianwatched,wide-eyed,asKevtooktheremote
fromhishandandpausedthemusic.

“Whatareyoudoing?”hesputteredinconfusion.
Kevin was suddenly nervous, but he bit back the sensation and darted forward,

dropping a hard kiss against Christian’s mouth before backing away and starting the song
fromthebeginning.

“I’mdancingforyou,”hesaidseriously,droppinghiseyesandturningupthevolume.
Christian simply stared, dumbstruck, until Kevin closed his eyes and began to move.

He’dneverdoneanythinglikethis,buthe’ddoitforBlondie.

Kevin swiveled his hips and his upper body followed in a silken groove to the beat. He

rollednaturallytothemusicandsoonforgotaboutanyembarrassmentasheproceededto
shock the hell out of his boyfriend. Kev didn’t know how he learned to move this way, it
seemedtohappenonitsown.

He rocked his hips back and chanced a glance over his shoulder just in time to see

Christian mouth “fuck” and sit up on the couch in one jerky movement. Blondie wasriveted
onhiseverymove.

“…Youbeensayingalltherightthingsallnightlong,butIcan’tseemtogetyouoverhereto

helptakethisoff…”

Kevin turned around to face Christian and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, lifting it to

exposehisstomachandchestbeforepullingitoverhishead.Heranitdownacrosshisbare
chestandtosseditatChristianwhocaughtitclumsily,hisexpressionchangingfromaweto
desireasKevin’shandsroamedsouthtohisbuttonfly.

Hekepthishipsgroovingasthebuttonspoppedopen,thenheturnedhisback,sliding

the jeans down along with his briefs until the top half of his ass was exposed. Christian

cursedaloudthistimeandKevinlaughedsilently.

Backing up until he was within Christian’s reach, he actually shivered when Blondie

reachedoutandranahanddownwardfromthemiddleofhisbackandovertheriseofhis
glutes. Kevin stepped out of reach again and shucked the jeans to the side, his hard on
pressing against the material of his briefs like it wanted to hulk out of them. Done with his
strip tease, he forced Christian backward into the couch cushions and then ground his hips
againsthim.

Christian acted like he was about to explode and it made Kevin chuckle. The music

changedtoasongabout indingloveinahopelessplaceandthetwoofthemmovedagainst
oneanotherinafever,Christian’sclothescomingoffandtheireagertoucheseverywhere.It
wasroughandpassionate.Gripping,releasing,rocking,nipping,kissing,grinding.

ItwasthehottestsexKevineverhad.
Itwasbetterthanhisbestmoment.
AndthistimehebitChristian.

347

S.E.CULPEPPER

THREEMONTHSLATER

Jack was laughing. Hard. The smug amusement was coming on a bit strong for Kevin’s

taste. Waving his hand so his friend would hurry up and get all the teasing jabs out of his
system,heleanedbackoverthecouchwherehisServiceDressBravojacketwaslaidout.He
brushedoffsomefuzzandadjustedhismedalsandribbonssotheywereexactlyright.

“I remember a phone conversation where you said something along the lines of never

takingaguytotheMarineCorpsBall,andyet,hereyouare,gettingreadyatmyhouse.”

Kevin scowled silently and went over the jacket with a lint roller for the third time. He

was aware of what he’d said and it didn’t ease his concerns at all. It had taken him a long
timetogetupthenervetoaskChristiantogowithhim.Hefeltlikehewascrossingsomesort
ofinternallinethathadhispersonallifedippingatoeintotheworldofhisworklife,butthe
moretimehe’dspentthinkingaboutit,themoreheknewitwastherightthingtodo.

Christian never expected the invitation. He’d known the ball was coming up and had

assumedthatKevinwouldgowithRisa,orgoalone,ornotatall.Kevinconsideredtakinghis
sister at irst, but Jack had actually purchased tickets and Risa was going with him. Plans
shiftedtogoingstagandthethoughtofChristiansittingathomewaitingforhimmadehim
feel like shit. He wanted to go to the Ball; it could be a lot of fun, but he didn’t want to be
withoutChristian.

“What’sChristianwearing?”Jackasked,hismockinggrinstillsolidlyinplace.
Kevinshruggedgrumpily.“Suit,Iguess.Ididn’task.Ihaven’tseenhimforaweekanda

half.He’sbeentravelingforwork,remember?”

“Soyoudon’tthinkhe’swearingdragtonight?”
ThelookhegaveJackwaswithering.“Fuckoff.”
“I’mkiddin’.Ilikethatdude.He’salright—he’dmakeanuglywoman,though.”
Kevindidn’thonorthecommentwithareply,turningthelintrolleronhisdresspants.

He’dgooverthewholeuniformagainonceitwasonhim,buthewassweatingtoomuchto
actuallyputitonnow.

“No one’s gonna say a thing to you two. You know that right?” Jack asked, his tone

growingserious.“Iftheydo,we’lltakecareofit.”

“It doesn’t matter. We can’t ight everybody who doesn’t like it,” Kevin murmured. “I

just don’t want to disappoint Christian or fuck the night up worrying about things I can’t
control.”

“I’vewatchedyouguystogether.You’relowkey.Justbeyourselves.”
“It’sdifferentaroundyou.Itrustyou;we’vegothistory.Itdoesn’tfeelsodramaticwhen

it’syouandRisawithus.”

Jackclappedhimontheshoulderandsqueezed.“Thenignoreeverybodyelseandfocus

onus.We’llhardlyknowanybodythereanyway.”

Kevinmethisbestfriend’seyesandhisjawtightened.“MoneyandEstewillbethere.”

“Money’s a dick,” Jack snapped, pulling on his jacket and smoothing the arms at the

cuffs.“Idon’thaveanythingtosaytohim.”

“Ishebringinghisgirlfriend?”
Jackgruntedindisgust.“There’snogirlfriend.He’sjustahater.”
Kevin glanced away and pushed the disappointing subject from his mind. He never

expectedeverybodytobecoolwithhislife,buthe’dsincerelyhopedhisfriendswouldallbe
thereontheotherside.ThetruthhadbeentoomuchforMoneytoreconcile,however.

“Howmuchtimedowehave?”heaskedJack.
“Twenty…”
Kevin dug into his duffel bag and pulled out a fresh undershirt, tugging it on after he

threwonacouplecoatsofanti-perspirant.God,hewassweatinglikeabarnanimal.

TheyweregoingtotakeJack’snewsedantopickupRisaandChristian.Rishadthought

itwasanincredibleideatogetreadywithChristianatthecondoandforallofthemtomeet
there.Shewasbeingsweet,heknew,becauseChristianwouldbenervous,too.

HeandJackmadeitoutthedoorin ifteenminutesandevenwithtraf ictheymadeitto

Christian’sinplentyoftime.ThegateguardwaseyeballingJack’srideandwasabouttoask
questionswhenKevinleanedovertheconsoleandtheguardrecognizedwhohewas.

“Oh!Hey!Greatuniform,man;youcanheadonin.”
KevinnoddedandJackpulledthroughtheopenedgate.TheyparkedbehindChristian’s

HummerandheletJackleadthewayupthewalkwhilehestrayedbehindtostraightenhis
coverandcalmhisbreathing.

Heregoesnothing,hethought.
Risa met them at the door and she was a stunner. She’d done some kind of loose, but

elaboratebraidthingwithherhair,andthedressshe’dkeptsecretforweekswasglittering
atthem,allsilverandwhitewiththinstraps.Shelookedpretty.Andhappy.

Jack wasn’t speechless, but he wasn’t quite coherent, either. He kept holding her at

arm’s length to get a better look, then pulling her back in to drop a kiss on her cheek, or
knuckles, or shoulder. They looked really great together with Jack in a black suit that
remindedKevinofthecharactersfromMadMen.

When Kevin inally got to greet his little sister, he hugged her carefully so he wouldn’t

do any damage to her hair or dress. She was jittery with excitement and he smiled
indulgently.

“Youlookjustlikemom,”hewhispered.“Youlookbeautiful.”
Tears sprang immediately to her eyes, but she was still smiling. “You clean up nice, big

brother.”

HewinkedatherandaskedwhereChristianwaswithhisheartinhisthroat.Itwasthe

secondtimethey’dbeenapartsincethey’dgottentogetherandthistimesuckedevenmore
thanthefirst.Godhelpthemifhedeployedagain.

“Christian ran upstairs when you guys got here; he was saying something about his

shoes.”Shegavehimateasinglookandelbowedhimlightly.“Helooksedible.”

“Easy,”Jackgrowledandsheblewhimaplayfulkiss.
“I’monlybeinghonest.Heknowshowtodress.”
A sound at the top of the stairs drew their attention and Kevin looked up to see his

Blondiecomingdowntogreethim.He’dchosenatailoredblackthree-piecesuit,pin-striped,
and Kevin’s face split in a grin when he saw that Christian was wearing spats. Actual spats.
He’dcombedhishairbackwithaslickpartthatmadehimlooklikehewasacharacterina
BugsySiegelmovie.Theonlyvisibletattoosweretheonesonhishands.

“Damn, Christian!” Jack whistled, eyeing him up and down. “Look at that—bro’s got a

watchonachain,too!”

Christianlaughedand inallymetKevin’sgaze.Hiseyesmadethetrekovertheuniform,

the cover, and the white gloves and he shook his head in a way that made Kevin blush. He
couldn’thelpit.“Damn,GunnerySgt.Semper…FI.”

JacksnortedandRisapushedhimoutthefrontdoorwithanapologeticlaugh.“We’llbe

outfrontwhenyoutwoareready.”

Andtheywerealone.
“Ihaveneverseenanythinglikeyou,”Christianbreathed,hisheadstillshakinglikehe

wasn’tcertaintheywereface-to-face,goingouttogetherfortheevening.

“Where’dyougetthissuit?”Kevinaskedinawe,runningaglovedhanddownoverthe

lapelthatwasaccentedwithatinywhiteflowerbud.

“I had it made a few weeks ago,” he admitted sheepishly, straightening the vest and

buttoningthejacket,thetattoosonhishandspeekingouttosayhello.“Iwantedsomething
nice.Special,youknow?Foryou.”Hewouldn’tlookupandKevinslida ingerunderhischin
untilhiseyeslifted.

“I’ll be the proudest Marine in the room,” he whispered. “You’re one good looking

bastard.”

Christian beamed at him and let out another nervous laugh. “Oh, shit!” he yelped,

lookingaroundthelivingroom.“Myhat!”

“You’vegotahat,too?”
“Fedora,baby,”heansweredcheekily.
“Won’titjackupyourhair?
Jack disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a smoky black fedora. “You

kidding me? I put enough gel in this ef ingcoiffure to last a week.” He made a face and set
thehatonhisheadatajauntyanglebeforefacingKevin.

“Well?”
Kevindidn’tknowwhattosay.Blondietookhisbreathawaywithhisshininghazeleyes

halfinshadow.Mostguyswouldlookliketheyweredressingupforacostumepartyinasuit
likethat,butthecutandqualityofChristian’sclotheswereobvious.Lookingathimallnight
wouldbelikehoursofforeplay.HepressedhismouthtoChristian’sandtuggedhimtoward
thedoor.“Let’sgobeforeIforgetmyname,Blondie.”

***

“Wait,”Christiansaid,stoppingKevinbeforetheysteppedoutside.Hereachedintothe

inner pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out his wallet. That tired piece of napkin followed
and Christian loved the way Kevin’s eyes warmed on sight of it. He dropped a kiss to the
paperandtuckeditawayagain.“NowI’mready.”

Which wasn’t really the truth. Christian’s nerves ran the gamut from slightly scared to

crap-his-pantsterri ied.HewantedtomakeKevinproud.Hedidn’twanttofeeluncertainall
night,orembarrasshimself.That’spartlywhythesuit.Itwashisstyleonehundredpercent,
and he wanted to look so good that Kevin would remember it forever. He’d never felt so
deeplyforanyonebeforeandheknewthattheinvitationtogotothisthingwasapriceless
gift.Ittoldhimthathisveryprivate,stoicMarinewantedhimthereathisside…

Itwasahugenightforthem.

He sat in the backseat with Kevin and gave a start of surprise when Kev leaned over,

holdinghisphoneoutinfrontofthem.“Picturetime,Blondie.”

Christian thought he might go blind on the sudden surge of love that washed through

him. He watched Kevin’s lips tilt in that sly way as he took the shot. Kevin had taken other
picsofChristianwiththephone,butneveroneofthemtogether.

“Sendittome?”heaskedquietly.
Kevinnodded,hiseyessoft.
“Ourfirstofficialphototogether…”Christianadded,hisinsideslikemush.
“First of many,” said Kevin, looking out his window in what Christian knew was an

attempttolockdownemotion.Whatatight-lipped,addictive,andalluringmanhe’dfound.

Christian didn’t care if it got him in trouble; he reached out and squeezed Kevin’s

glovedhand.Thosegreeneyesdidn’tturnhiswayagain,butKevreturnedthesqueezeand
didn’tloosenhishold.

Jackdroveuptovaletparkingandaneagerkidwithashockofbrightredhairtookthe

keys and handed over a ticket. There were Marineseverywhere. Christian’s head was
spinningwithalltheglimpsesofwhitehatsandgloves,goldbraid,blue,red,andblackthat
swarmed the hotel lobby. There were a fair amount of men in standard tuxes and a lot of
womenwearingcolorfulgowns.Hecomfortedhimselfwiththethoughtthathissuitwasthe
bestonthepremises,butthereliefwasshort-lived.

Don’tletmefuckthisup!
His body locked on to Kevin’s movements like the other man was wearing a homing

beacon, and as Kev rounded the car and came up beside him, Christian’s eyes sought his,
beggingforreassurance.Kevindidadoubletakeattheapprehensionhesawandsteppedin
frontofChristiantoblockhisviewofthemenagerieinthelobby.

“Hey…hey,” he murmured gently. “Tonight, you’re here with me. I’m here withyou.

That’sallwehavetothinkabout.Idoubtthatmostpeoplewillnoticeusatall.”

Christian didn’t agree; they sort of stood out, but he took a deep breath and nodded,

bracinghimself.“Ididn’tthinkI’dbesogoddamnnervous.”

Kevin stepped in closer and dropped his voice even lower. “You’re mine. I take care of

what’smine.”

“Yes,”Christiananswered,baskinginthethrillthewordscreated.“Youdo.”
KevininclinedhisheadtowardwhereJackandRisawaitedandwatchedwithcuriosity.

“Let’sgototheball,baby,”histonewasteasinganditcaughtChristianoffguard.Hestillhad
somuchtolearnaboutthisman.

They didn’t hold hands, but their bodies touched as they walked side-by-side. He

noticedtheappreciativeglancesofwomenastheycaughtsightofKevin’ssix-foot- iveframe,
perfectly illingouteveryinchofhisuniform.Christianreceivedsomeblushingsmilesfroma
fewwomenhimselfanditmadehimgrin.

Okay.Hecoulddothis.
There was a lot of milling about smartly inside and it was easier to relax when he saw

howmanypeoplewereattending.Theyweresimplytwofacesinthecrowd.It’snotlikethey
hadtostandupandintroducethemselvesorgiveaspeech;theycouldblendinasmuchas
theywanted.

Christianremovedhisfedoraandwaslookingupatanornatechandelierwhenhefelta

handathisback.Kevin’svoicewasclosetohisearandheshiveredasthathandpressedhim
forwardintoalineforpictures.RisaandJackwereinfrontoftheminlineandasthecouples
dwindled between Christian and the photographer, he wondered how they were going to

stand.Itdidn’tseemlikeatopichewassupposedtogetwrappedupin,buthecouldn’thelp
it. The women in the couples in front of him either stood with their backs to their dates,
encircledinakindoflooseembrace,ortheystoodchest-to-chest,lookingintothecamera.

HeandKevinwouldlookridiculouseitherwayandKevwouldn’tbecaughtdeadposed

likeahighschoolcouple.Howinthehellweretheygoingtodothis?

“Relax,”Kevininterruptedhisworrying.“Juststayloose.It’syouandme.”
RisaandJackwereattheplateandshechosethechest-to-chestpose,butJackstopped

her. “Other side,” Jack murmured loud enough that Christian and Kevin could hear. “My
scars.”

Risareachedupwithahandtohischeekandgavehimameaningfullook.“Theydon’t

bothermeonebit,andthispictureisforme.”

ChristianandKevinmetoneanother’seyesandquicklylookedaway.Thatdisplaywas

toosweetforeitherofthemtodwellontoolongwithoutopenlycryinglikelittlegirls.

The photographer snapped the picture—Risa’s way—and turned to wave him and

Kevinforward.Alonglineofpeoplestillwaitedforpictures,sohedidn’tpaymuchattention
tothefactthatitwastwomeninfrontofhim.

“Standhoweveryouwant,fellas,”hesaid,tinkeringwithhiscamera.“I’llbejustasec.”
Christian stood on Kevin’s right, angled toward him, his suit jacket open and a hand in

his pocket. A women nearby actually sighed when Kevin stepped a bit closer so their
shoulders were touching, and slipped his arm around Christian’s waist. It was over in
secondsandKevinpointedoutRisaandJackwaitingnearby.

A lot of people were watching them, but Christian ignored it, hypnotized by the feeling

ofKevinpullinghimcloser.Itwasyetanothermomentwhenhewasblownoverbythefact
thattheyweretogether.Acouple.Hewassolucky.

AlotoffolksgreetedKevinonthewayintotheballroom,noneofthemstoppingtotalk

longerthanaquickgreeting,soChristianwassparedtheinevitableintroductionsforalittle
longer.Kevin’shandslidfromhisback,buthispresencewaswarmbesidehim.

Somebody—oracrewofsomebodies—hadsetuptheballroominstyle.Thelightingwas

that perfect level of dimness, the tablecloths and table settings gleamed. The centerpieces
were ridiculously nice. It was like attending a fancy wedding where most of the guests
happenedtoserveatthepleasureofthePresident.

Christian thought he saw Este for a second, but the guy was so short it wasn’t easy to

keep a bead on him. No sign of Money whom Kevin had been suspiciously silent about for
weeks.

Lethimshowup,Christiangrowledtohimself.Hewaspredisposedtohatethatbastard

andnowhehadarealexcuse.

RisaandJackhadbeenseatedatadifferenttableandshewavedatthemwithapouty

expressionasKevinledonwardtowherevertheyweresupposedtosit.Christian lit up like
an exploding sun as Kevin strode ahead, grabbed a seat and pulled it out for him. The
gesturewasobviousandsowerethereactionsofthosealreadyseatedatthetable.

Guesswho’scomingtodinner?!Thegays!!
“Thank you,” he said, meeting Kev’s gaze warmly and sinking into the seat. Kevin gave

one of those nods that always seemed so military to Christian, and settled into the seat
besidehim.

AwomaninagarishlybluedresswastohisleftandonherothersidewasaMarine.He

exchangedpolitesmileswiththemasquestionsblinkedathimfrombehindtheireyes.Kevin
andChristianwerethelasttojointhetableandthefactthatKevgreetedallofthemwitha

‘sir’toldChristianwheretheystoodintheranking.

Hewishedhe’dgottenaroundtothatresearchoninsignia.Oneguyhadsinglegoldbars

on his shoulders and the other two wore two silver bars on theirs. He thought he
rememberedsomethingaboutsilverbeinghigherthangold…

“That’salovelysuit,”BlueLadyofferedinasweetvoice.
“Thankyou.”
“I’dliketoseeMikeinsomethinglikethat,”shepattedherdate’sshoulderandherolled

hiseyesatChristian.“Wasitterriblyexpensive?”

Suddenly Kevin’s hand was resting gently on Christian’s knee beneath the table and if

they’dhadeventheslightestbitofprivacy,Kevinwould’vebeenclobberedinahug.

“Itwasn’tterriblyexpensive,”Christianansweredhappily.“Itwas…awfullyexpensive.”
BlueLadygiggledandheldoutherhand.“I’mGeenaKatz.Thisismyhusband,Mike.”
“Christian Blakely,” he offered, reaching out to shake their hands. Geena noticed the

tattoos on his hand right away and actually grabbed hold of his arm to look at them as he
wasleaningbackinhischair.Kevinstiffenedathisside.

“Goodness!Handtattoos!Ibetthosehurt.”Shelethimgowithasheepishlookthatwas

madevoidbyherfollow-upquestion.“Howfardothosego?”

KevinclearedhisthroatinirritationandChristianchuckled,reachingbeneaththetable

tosqueezehishand.“Farenough.”

“Goodforyou!”
MikeKatzwasrollinghiseyesagainandChristiandisengagedfromthemtocheckona

concernedKevin.Itwasnicetofeelsoprotectedallthetime.

“It’salright,”Christianwhispered.
“Yousure?”
There was some fanfare and hoopla that drowned out his answer as some obviously

high-ranking Marines entered, their chests decked out with all sorts of blinding medals.
Christian tried to soak in everything—the ceremonial moments, the funny moments, the
food,thedrinks,andthemanathisside,whoshowedinlotsoflittlewayshowChristianwas
thecenterofhisattention.HewassotouchedtogetanotherglimpseofthedepthofKevin’s
feelings.

Geenagrewmorecheerfulwiththeapplicationofbooze,andherhusbandwasliberally

applyingthespirits.Kevinwarmedupenoughtojoinintheconversation,buttheremaining
two couples at the table kept to themselves, speaking quietly with one another. They were
boring.

When the ceremony and the dinner were over, they opened up a dance loor in the

center of the room and a DJ warmed up the crowd with some P Diddy. Christian saw Risa
andJackheadedtowardthemandwaved,butamovementathisshoulderhadhimturning
aroundstraightintoanintroduction.Kevinwasalmostsmiling!

“Captain,thisisChristianBlakely.Christian,thisismyXO,CaptainGerard.”
The man was shorter than both of them, with a thick head of brown hair, and he held

out his hand with an amused tilt to his lips. “Call me Pete—it’s great to meet you.” His date
waswaitingunobtrusivelybehindhimandhepulledherforward.“Thisismywife,Tricia.”

“Nice meeting you both,” Christian answered, glancing at Kevin for a second to make

surehewassayinganddoingtherightthings.

“Youtwostayingforsomedancing?”Peteasked,lookingbetweenthemexpectantly.
Kevin rested a hand on the back of an empty chair and leaned into it, a little more

relaxedthanhe’dbeenearlier.Thetwobeershe’dhaddidn’thurt.

“Yeah,we’llstayforabit.Risaisherewithmybuddy,Jack,andweallcametogether.”
Christian and Tricia ended up on the perimeter of a short conversation between Pete

and Kevin. Risa and Jack arrived and pointed out Este on the dance loor where he was in
theprocessofwooingawomanwhowasaboutfourinchestallerthanhim.Moneywasalso
onthefloorwithhisdate.

Itwasthe irsttimeChristianhadseenhimthatevening.He’dbeensortofhopingthat

thetoo-handsome-for-his-own-goodassholedidn’tmakeit.Moneywasn’tasgoodamoveras
Este,butthatdidn’tseemtomattertotheladywithhim.

ChristiannoticedthewayKevin’sjawtightened,butasidefromthat,hisboyfriendgave

nooutwardsignthathe’dnoticedMoney.

Anoldersongfromthe‘90swasnext,andChristiangrinned.MontellJordan’sGet It On

Tonite.Helovedthissong.HewasmovingtothemusicwheretheystoodandKevingavehim
aboyishsmile.

“Myturntoseeyoudance,maybe?”
“Really?”Christianasked,thrilled.
“I know you can move.” Kev gestured toward the dance loor and they ended up

dancinginagroupwithRisa,Jack,Este,andhistalldate,whosenamewasEva.Moneymoved
hispartnertoanothersectionofthefloor,ignoringathreateningglarefromJack.

AslowsongcameonandChristianbackedoffthe loor.Hewasn’treadytotakeitthere.

Kevinseemedtobeonthesamepageandhelefttograbthemdrinks.Outonthe loor,Risa
and Jack were moving together, in the middle of a deep discussion, their eyes lickering to
him every now and then. Este was dancing in a way that was about two steps away from a
LewdandLasciviousBehaviorcharge.

Kevinreturnedwithbeersandstoodclosebesidehim,watchingthedancersandquietly

sippinghisdrink.Whenthesongwasnearingit’send,ChristiansawJackheadedstraightfor
him,adeterminedlookonhisface.Risawasbehindhim,wearingaguiltysmile.

“Somebody thinks I don’t have the guts to dance with a man, so here I am,” he held a

handouttowardthefloor.“Getyourassouthere.I’mgoingtodancewithyou.”

Christianstaredblankly.“Uhhh…Idon’tthink—”
“ShedaredmeandI’mdaringyou.”
“Adare?”
“Well it ain’t because I want to knock at your back door,” Jack answered curtly. “You

coming?”

Christian stood up a little straighter and handed his beer to Kevin, removing his suit

jacketandlayingitgentlyoverthebackofachair.“Onlybecauseyouaskedsonicely.”

Before the song changed, he had time to remove his cuf links and roll his sleeves. If he

wasgoingtodothis,hewasgoingtodoitright.Jackwalkedacrossthe loorbetweencouples
whowerestillslowdancingandstoppedwithhishandsonhiships,waiting.

ChristianlookedoverhisshoulderandKevinwasgivinghimoneofthoseveryrarefull

smiles; it perfectly matched his little sister’s. The irst notes ofI Gotta Feeling byThe Black
Eyed Peas began and Christian got to Jack’s side as the beat picked up. He’d grown up in
BerkeleyandSanFranciscowheretherewasnoshortageofstreetperformersandheknewa
trickortwo,sohegrinnedatJack’ssmugexpression.

Jacktuggedhimincloseandgrinned.“ThisoughttobugKevintheperfectamount,”he

whispered,“butdon’tlayafingeronmyass.”

Staringback,suddenlyChristiandidn’tgiveashitaboutanythingbuthavingalittlefun.

They danced, mocking each other with ridiculous moves—apparently Jack knew how to

breakdance—andChristiantreatedhimtosomehiphopstuffheneverthoughthe’ddoin
public. People gave them space and Jack wowed the whole crowd with a foot slide that had
himrovingoverthe loorlikehewas loating.Christiancouldn’treallycompetewiththatone,
and there was no way in hell he was doing the worm in his suit. Instead, he bowed in
acceptanceofhisdefeatasJacklaughedandgavehimabriskhug.

“Notbadforawhitedude,”hecracked.
Christian smiled with him and caught his breath as the beat morphed into a song he

didn’t know. Risa reclaimed her date as Kevin came up behind him and lightly touched his
shoulder.“You’refullofsurprises,”hesaid,lickinghislipsinawaythatmadeChristianwant
torubupagainsthim.

“ThatwasnothingcomparedtowhatI’veseenyoudo.Inmylivingroom.”
Kevininclinedhisheadlikehecouldn’targue.“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’tbusttheseatof

yourpantsoutthere.”

Christianadjustedhisshirtandlaughed.“I’mnotsureIdidn’t—and—Imight’vepulled

mygroin.”

Kevin’seyesflashedandhisvoicedroppedlow.“Icouldhelploosenyouuplater…”
Christian smiled widely as his heart pounded. He took Kevin’s beer from his hand and

broughtittohislips,neverbreakingeyecontact.

“You’retheonlypersonIknowwhocouldgetawaywithstealingmybeer.”
“Aren’tMarinessupposedtobegoodatsharing?”
“Marinesaregoodatalotofthings…”Kevinmurmured,glancingaroundthedarkened

ballroomandatthecouplesonthefloor.

The DJ’s voice broke out over the crowd and Christian took another drink before

handing Kevin’s beer back. “Slowin’ it down now for all you folks that need to catch your
breath…Here’sJoshuaRadin’sYouGotWhatINeed...”

Kevin’s hand curled around Christian’s and there, at the edge of the dance loor, he

pulled him in close, one arm wrapping behind his back and the other loose, still holding his
beer.Christian’shandswereshakingasheplacedthemlightlyatKevin’swaist.Heclosedhis
eyes, ignoring everyone and everything but the sensations looding his body. They were
tuckedinclosetooneanotherandthemomentmorphedintooneofthemostsoul-stopping
experiences Christian had ever had. Tilting his face down, he sighed when he felt Kevin
brushagentlekissagainsthistemple.

“Thank you for coming tonight, Christian,” Kevin said in his ear. “I-I just want this

forever.Us.”

ChristianliftedhisheadandstaredintoKevin’sgreeneyes.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.”

***

LaterthatnightKevinlayfacingChristianinbed,silent,yetwideawake,soakingineach

second.Therewasn’tanypressureorstress.Nosecrets.Noworries.

HislipsliftedgentlyasChristianreachedoutandtouchedhischeek,trailingalinedown

overhisjawandthroat.

“Iloveyou,”Christianwhisperedintothesilence.
Kevin’sfacebrokeintoafullsmileandheshookhishead.Itstillwasn’teasyforhimto

declarehimselfsoboldly,butheneverwantedBlondietodoubtwhattheyhadgoing.

“Iloveyou,too,”hisvoicerumbledlowbetweenthem.

“I got something for you when I was out of town,” Christian blurted, suddenly anxious.

Kevin had no idea what gift could possibly make him clench up like this, so he raised his
eyebrowsinquestion.

Christian sat up in bed, the sheet pooling around his waist. He cleared his throat and

Kevinpusheduponanelbow,completelyintrigued.

“It’s just that—I wanted to get something for you that would say how you’ve, like,

changedmywholeworld.Changedme,”heswallowedthickly.“Icouldn’tthinkofwhattodo,
andthenitcametomerightbeforeIgottomyhotelthatfirstnight.”

“Whatisit?”Kevinaskedeagerly;thesuspensewaskillinghim.
Christian took a deep breath and twisted his body so that his side was exposed. “It’s

mostlyhealed…”hewhispered.

Kevin didn’t know what he was supposed to be seeing, then all at once it was obvious.

The scene on Christian’s side that had so disturbed him before—the hand reaching out of
the ocean to grasp at air—was completely different now. The hand was held in a irm grip
andsomehowChristianhaddesigneditsoallKevcouldseewasthemanbeingpulledfrom
thewater.Themysterysaviorintheartworkwasonlyvisiblefromshouldertofingertip.

“Seethewriting?”Christianaskedwarily.
Kevin’seyesdartedoverhisskinagainuntilhespottedthenewly-inkedwordsbeneath

thedrawing,squeezedinamongsthisothertattoos.

MYREDEMPTION.
Instantly, as if the words took form and seized him, Kevin’s throat closed. This was so

completely unexpected that he didn’t know how to temper his reaction. His fucking eyes
weremisting,forcryingoutloud.Anditwasn’tbecausehewassotouchedbecauseChristian
did this for him, but rather because Christianf eltdifferent enough since they’d been
togetherthathehadtomarkthemomentofhopeintime.Onhisbody.

“Doyouhateit?”Christian’seyesglitteredasheasked,battlinghisownresponse.
“No.No,”hechokedoutthewords.“I-It’samazing,Christian.”
ThesighofreliefwassoloudthatKevinletoutalaughbeforesoberingoncemore.“Can

Itouchit?”

Christiannodded.“Gently.It’sstillprettytender.”
Very carefully, Kevin pressed his ingers against Christian’s side and felt the puf ier

areas where the skin hadn’t fully healed. He ran a inger tenderly over the words and
droppedhishand.Pushingupfromthemattress,heslidnearertoChristianandpulledhim
closewithahandathisnape.

“Kissme,”Kevinquietlydemanded.
Christian kissed him until they were both suddenly chuckling and holding on to each

othertightly.

Redemption…?Yes.Thatwastheperfectword.

369

S.E.CULPEPPER

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

S.E.CulpepperlivesinFloridawithherhusbandandson.Sheloveshearingfromherreaders

andmakesitapointtogetbacktothem.Youcanemailherat

seculpepper@seculpepper.comorvisitherwebsiteathttp://seculpepper.com.

369

Document Outline

CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Wyszukiwarka

Podobne podstrony:
Fred Saberhagen Lost Swords 1 Woundhealers Story
Cate Culpepper [Tristaine] ?ttle for Tristaine (doc)
WON 1
Fred Saberhagen Lost Swords 5 Coinspinners Story
Lost Souls The Pineville Horror
DIAGRAM 4 PATTERN Won Hyo Tul
Cate Culpepper [Tristaine] Tristaine Rises (doc)
Lost Not Found The Circulation of Images in Digital Visual Culture
Danse Macabre The Sacvral and the Lost
I had lost my wallet id 208253 Nieznany
PARADISE LOST
Fforde Lost in a Good Book
ECP Lost Teachings on Your Higher Self [OCR perfect]
Lost Souls The Promise Ring
Cate Culpepper [Tristaine] Queens of Tristaine (doc)
Lost Moments
Weis & Hickman Dragonlance War of Souls Dragons of a Lost Star
lost SP
PDQ Temple of the Lost Gods

więcej podobnych podstron

S E Culpepper Lost Won

Document Outline