RYAN

AMallickBrothersNovel

JessicaGadziala

DEDICATION

Tothoselivingintheirownpersonalprisons,

withhopesthatsomedayyoufindyourkey.

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"Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Thenames,characters,places,andincidentsareproductsofthewriter'simaginationorhavebeenused
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ONE

Ryan

Itwasalongfuckingday.
Tobefair,mostofthemwere.
Youdidn'tgetintotheloansharkingbusinessandexpectdonutholesintheconferenceroomand

bullshittingoverthewatercooleraboutsomeshoweveryonewascurrentlyobsessedwith.Itwasalways
tenseandproblematicandcontinuallymarredyouroutlookonthegeneralpopulationasawhole.

IsighedasIbroughtmyarmuptocheckmywatchandsawasmatterofbloodonthecuffofmyoff-

whitesuit.Luckily,mydrycleanerhadstoppedaskingquestionsalongdamntimeago.

Iwasn'tusuallytheonedoingthebloodspillingtobeperfectlyhonest.Ihandledmoreofthebusiness-

endofthings.Ididthefuckingpaperworkandkeptthebooksandpaidthatfirst'youoweus,payup,or
else'visitstoclients.Fromthere,IwouldsendMark.IfMarkwasn'teffective,thenShanesteppedup.
And,ifafterShanewasdonewithyouandyoustilldidn'tfindthemoneytopayoffyourdebts,thenwe
wouldsicElionyourpoorass.

But,whatcanIsay,Iwasinabadmoodandtheclientgotmouthyandthingsescalated.Ididn'tlike

havingtospillbloodonafirstvisit.Iavoideditatallcosts,wantingtokeepthingsamicablesolongas
theclientdidaswell.

Thatbeingsaid,disrespectwouldneverbetolerated.
Isteppedoutoftheelevatoranddugforthekeytomyapartment,lookingatthedooracrossthehall

frommine,oursbeingtheonlytwoapartmentsonthefloor,andseeingsomethingIdidn'toftenseethere,
buteverytimeIdid,Igotthathairsonthebackoftheneckfeeling-Isawmenstandingatherdoor.

See,thethingis,IonlyknewitwasaherbecauseIcaughtsightofblondehaironcewhenshewas

pickinguponeofthedozensofpackagesshehaddeliveredoutsideherdooreveryweek.Howshegotthe
mailmantobringthemuptothefloorinsteadofleavingthemonthedeskbythemailboxesinthelobby
wascompletelybeyondme,butthedamnguydiditeverysingletimeforher.

Myneighbor,well,shewassomekindofshut-in.

Shedidn'tleaveforwork.Shedidn'tgooutatnight.Shedidn'tevenrunerrands.
Andsheveryrarelyhadanykindofcompany.
Whenshedidthough,itwastheguyswhogaveeveryappearanceofbeingbadnews.
Iwasacriminal.Ispentmylifearoundfellowcriminals.IcouldspotonewhenIsawone.
Thetwoguysintheirleatherjacketsandtheirscarredknucklesandtheirtensestances,yeah,theywere

fuckingcriminals.

Hearingthedoorsoftheelevatorslideclosed,theirheadssnappedinmydirection,lookingmeover.
Theyknewme.
Iwasn'tbeingcocky,butfactofthematterwas,everyonewhowasanyoneinthecriminalunderbelly

inNavesinkBankknewCharlieMallick.Andifyouknewmyfather,youknewhissons.Wealllooked
justlikehim.Also,ifyouknewCharlieMallick,youknewourreputationandthatwedeservedsome
respect.Whichwaswhyoneoftheguysinclinedtheirchinatmeandtheothernoddedandsaid"Mallick"
asIwalkedtomydoorandslidthekeyin.

"Dusty,comethefuckonalready,"theonewhoinclinedhischintomegrowledatthecloseddoor.
Ifrozehalfwayinmydoor,turningback,browraised.
I'dputupwithalotofshitfromalotoforganizations,butthreateningwomenwouldneverfuckingfly.

Ididn'tgiveafuckwhotheywere.

"I'mcoming,Bry!"asoft,sweetvoicecalledfrominsideassomethingslammedandcrashedanda

loudmeowcouldbeheard."IhavetoputRockyaway!"sheadded,followedbyaloud,objectingnoise
fromthecatandahissfromherasit,presumably,scratchedthefuckoutofher.

"Stupidfuckingcat,"theguyIassumedwasBrysaid,shakinghishead.
"Alrightalright,"Dusty'ssweetvoicesaidandIcouldhearthelocksslidingbeforeitfinallypulled

openandIgotmyfirstlookatmyneighborwhohadsharedafloorwithmeforwelloverayear.

I'dbeenmissingthehellout.
Generally,youthink"shut-in"andyouthinkolderwithacrazyvibe,maybedisheveledhairandwild

eyes.

TherewasnoneofthatinDustyRoseMcRaewhosenameIknewfromthoseendlesspackagesI

mentioned.

No.
Dustywasamotherfuckingknockout.
Shewasaboutaverageheightforawomanandrantowardslender,allhercurvessomewhat

understated,buttherenonethelessinherlightwashbluejeansandalightpinktee.Herblondehairwas
longandwavyaroundherovalfacewithherperfectnose,slightlyoversizedlowerlipandhugegreen
eyeswithashittonoflashesthat,ifIputmymoneyon,I'dbettheywerehers,notfakes.

Perfect.
ShewasasclosetoperfectasIhadeverseen.
Shegavetheguysatthedoorasomewhatuneasysmileassheheldapapertoweltoherforearm,

brightredbloodstripesalreadywettingitthrough.

"Sorry,Ididn'tknowyouwerecomingorIwouldhavehadhimawayalready,"shesaid,movingout

ofthewayandthemenchargedinside.

"Justgetridofthedamnthing,"Brysaid,hisvoicesofter,puttinghishandonhershouldertomoveher

outofthedoorway.AndIwasn'tfuckingimaginingitwhenherentiregoddamnbodystiffenedatthetouch,
likeeverysinglenerveendingwasrecoilingfromthecontact,butsheknewshecouldn'tjerkawaysoshe
enduredit.

Asifsensingmyinspection,hergazedriftedtomine,herlipspartingslightly,hereyesshowingevery

bitofdiscomfortanduncertaintyshefeltinthatsecond,givingmeanalmostoverwhelmingurgetocharge
acrossthehall,grabtheguysbythebacksoftheirjackets,andtossthemdownthestairwell.

Butthatwasfuckinginsane.
Beforethethoughtwasevenfullyformed,Bryhadmovedheroutofthewayandslammedthedoorto

herapartment.

Istoodthereforalongmoment,tryingtoconvincemyselftoshakeitoff,letitgo,thatitwasnoneof

mybusinesswhatwasgoingonbehindherdoor.

Eventually,thatvoicewonoutandIwalkedintomyapartmentandclosedthedoor.Iflickedonthe

lights,butIrefusedtoputonmusiclikeIusuallydid.

ItriedtotellmyselfitwasbecauseIjustwantedsilenceafteralong,noisyday.Butthatwassucha

ridiculousliethatIimmediatelyacceptedthattherealreasonwasthatIwantedtomakesuretherewasno
scufflingoryellsoranythingfromacrossthehall.

Youknow,justbeingagoodneighbor.
IrolledmyshouldersasIpeeledoffmyjacketandhungitintheclosetinsidethefrontdoorwhereI

storedmydrycleaningformyhousekeeperorassistantorwhateverthefuckshewascalledtopickupand
takecareoflikesheusuallydid.

Myapartmentwasoversizedand,ifmysister-in-lawFeewastobebelieved,screamed'bachelor'.
Wouldyourballsfallofforsomethingifyouputacolorinherethatwasn'tbrownorblack?
Thatwaswhatshefirstaskedwhenshesteppedinsideforthefirsttime.
Shewasn'twrong.Idefinitelychoseadarkpalate.Allthewallsinthemainspacewereadeepcoffee

brown.Directlyinsideandtothefront,thewindowoverlookingthestreet,wasmylivingspacewithan
L-shapedblacksectionalfacingablackTVstandandlargeflatscreen.Therewasacanvashangingover
theshortendofthecouch,abrownandblackandtanabstractpieceentitledAspenthatIhadfoundfor
saleonthewallinacoffeeshopintown.Itfittheoveralllooktotheroomandatjustunderfive-hundred,
itwasreallyastealforthelargesize.

Justinsidethedoortotheleft,nestledbetweenthedrycleaningclosetandthelivingspacewasa

smallnooksetbackthathadthreeblackshelvesandaalowblackliquorcabinet.Ontopwasmyusual
bottleofscotch,thoughIhadawholearrayofotherliquorsstoredinside.Mydockwassittingononeof
theshelvesbesideframed(FeesentthemtomeinfuckingpinkframesthatIhadAnita,thehousekeeper,
replacewithblack)picturesofmythreenieces.

Insidethedoorandtotherightwasmykitchenwithblackcabinetsandblackandwhitemarble

countertops.

Thehallranoffthekitchen,leadingtotwobedroomsandthebath.MuchtoFee'schagrin,thebathhad

thesameblackandwhitemarbleasthekitchenandthebedroomwasverylikelythedarkest,blackest
roominthewholespace.

Ifoundlightcolorsassaultingtotheeye.
AndafteralongdayinthekindofworkIdid,Ineededaplacetogohomeandrelaxin.Evenifitdid

scream'bachelor'.

ThesmellofsteakmetmeasIpassedintothekitchen.
Now,mymomtaughtmetocook.Infact,shetaughtallofustocook.
Iwon'tbehavinganysonofminedemandingawomandothecookingallthefuckingtime.Youare

goingtolearntotakecareofyourdamnselves.

ThatwasHelenMallickforyou.Nevermindthatshedidthevastmajorityofthecookingforuswhen

weweregrowingup.Sheclaimedthatthatwasn'tthepoint.Thepointwasweshouldneverexpectitto
bedoneforussimplybecausewewerethemenandtheywerethewomen.

Thatbeingsaid,Ialmostnevercooked.Itseemedlikeatedious,pointlessendeavortodoformyself.

EspeciallywhenAnitawashappytodoitforme.SoIalmostalwayscamehometoamealcookedand
sittinginawarmoven.AllexceptonSaturdaysandSundayswhenshewasoff.

Iopenedmyovenandfoundaslabofsteak,roastedpotatoes,andanalmostobnoxiouspileofpeas.

Anita,beingamotheroffourgrownsons,seemedtoliketolumpmeinwiththerestofthemandinsistedI
neededtoeatmygreens.SomethingIdidbecausemyownmotherraisedmewiththesameidea.

Iputthefoodonthecounterandpouredmyselfascotch,sittingdownattheislandandeating,

pretendingIwasn'tfuckinglisteningforsoundsacrossthehalllikesomegoddamncreep.

ButIwas.
Andmystomachdidn'tunclenchuntilIheardthedooropen,casual,muffledvoices,footsteps,andthe

clickofthedoorandtheslideofthelockstoDusty'sapartment.

ThenImaybespenttoomuchtimewonderingwhatthehellshehadgottenherselfintoinvolvingthose

guys.Beingashut-indidn'tleavehermuchinthewayofworkunlessshewrote,blogged,telemarketed,or
wasanartistorsomeshitlikethat.Sochanceswere,herinvolvementwiththoseguyswasasourceof
incomeforher.

And,well,thereweren'tawholehellofalotofoptionsforhertobedoing.
Holdingmoney.
Holdingdrugs.
Orwhoringherselfout.
JudgingbythewaythatshestiffenedwhentheBryguytouchedher,Idoubteditwasthelatter.
Whichonlylefttheothertwounsavorychoices.Bothofwhichcamewithalevelofdangerfora

womanlivingalonewithnogoddamnsecuritysystemorevenafuckingguarddogtoprotecther.Andif
shedidn'thaveasecuritysystemorguarddog,Idoubtedshehadagun.

Stupidrisk.
Butitwasn'tmybusiness,IremindedmyselfasIscrapedtheremainderofmyplateintothegarbage,

putthedishesinthesink,andmademywaytowardmybedroomtochange.

AndIdidn't(read:absolutelydid)makesureIgothomeatthesameexacttimethefollowingThursday

andtheoneafterthatandtheoneafterthat,tomakesurethatBryandhiscounterpartdidn'tcauseany
troublewithmyprettylittleagoraphobicneighbor.

Twoofthosetimes,Icaughtthemonthewayin.Thelasttime,Icaughtthemonthewayout,snatching

asmallglanceatDustyassheclosedherdoor,noticingsheseemedalotlesstensetoseethemgothan
shedidtoseethemarrive.

IcouldfeelherwatchingmeasImovedtoputmykeyinmylockandasImovedtostepinside,the

urgetoturnbacktoherwasalmostoverwhelming.

SoIdid.
"Hey,"Isaid,headduckedtothesidealittletofindherstilllookingatme,herlowerlipcaughtinher

teethforaseconduntilsheheardme.

Thenshejumpedbacklikeshehadn'texpectedIwasevencapableofspeech.
"Ah,hi,"shesaid,slidingbackwardonherhardwoodfloorinhersillykitten-printedsocks,and

slammingthedoor.

WhythatshitmademegrinlikeakidonChristmasmorning,yeah,Iwasnotanalyzingthat.
Butitwasexactlywhathappened.

TWO

Dusty

Iwatchedhim.
Okay,thatsoundedreallycreepy.
Ineverwatchedhimwatchedhim.
Fine.
SometimesIdid.
Iwasn'tsomekindofcrazystalkeroranythinglikethat.Butwhenyoulivedinacage,terrifiedof

steppingoutsideofit,youtendedtowatcheveryoneelsemovearound,livingthelifeyouwishyoucould
liveaswell.Itwasn'tlikehewastheonlypersonIwatched.

Ialsowatchedtheladywholivedtwofloorsbelow.Shewasapretty,young,singlemomofafreckle-

faced,redheadeddaughterwhowasalwaysbeamingathermom.Myapartmentwindowoverlookedpart
oftheparkinglotoutbackandthesmalllittlecommonareatheapartmentbuildingboastedthathadtwo
picnictablesthatgotpaintedonthethirdofAprileverysingleyear,aswingsset,andasmalllittleplay
gymarea.

SoIwouldwatchasthemomwouldclimboutofhercar,tiredfromalongshiftsomewherethat

requiredhertowearlilac-purplescrubsandwhitenon-slipshoes,herredhairfallingoutofitshigh,
messybun,lookingasfrazzledasfrazzledcould.Butthenshewouldgetherdaughteroutofthebackseat
andshewouldjumpupanddown,lookinglikeshewasbeggingtogototheplayarea,andhermom
wouldagreeandshewoulddartofftoplayandthemomwouldfollow,eachminuteshewatchedor
chasedaroundherlittlegirlseemingtotakehoursofstressoffhershoulders.

See,IwatchedherbecauseshehadsomethingIwantedandcouldn'thave.Shehadalittlekidwho

lovedher,whothoughtshehungthemoonandstars,whocouldtakeallherworriesawaywithasimple
laughorsmile.

AndIwatchedhimbecausehewasanotherthingthatIwantedandcouldn'thave.
Aman.

Love.
Affection.
Companionship.
Sex.
Arelationship.
Ofcourse,therewasalsothefactthathewassimplyimmenselywatchable-beingtheliving,

breathing,walking,talkingequivalentofsomestatuecometolife.

Hewasbeautiful.
Handsome.
Perfect,really.
Hehadstrong,masculinefeatureswithhischiseledjaw,sternbrowridge,andstrong,butnot

oversized,nose.HishairwasblackandperfectlycutwheneverIsawhim,likehenevermissedabarber
appointment.Hisfacewascleanshavenmostofthetime,thoughIwouldoccasionallycatchhimalittle
scruffy,alookIfoundparticularlyappealingonhisseriousface.

Then,ohyeah,thereweretheeyes.Hehadtheselight,piercing,impossiblygorgeousblueeyes.
Andhealwayshadasuiton.
Well,notalways.
Threemorningsaweek,heleftearlyinthemorning,soearlythatthesunwasbarelyup,inblack

basketballshortsandatighttee,hisiPodinaholderonhisbicepandwouldcomebackallsweatyfrom
hisrun.AndonWednesdays,hewouldcomehomeintheeveningingymclothes.

ButliterallyanyothertimeIhadseenhim,hewasinasuit.Andhefilledthemoutreallywell.
SoIwatchedhimcomeandgo.
Hehadanicecar.Areallynicecartogoalongwithhisreallynicesuitsandhisreallynicewatches

thathestillusedtocheckthetimeoninsteadofhiscell;itwasanold-fashionedlittletraitIfound
immenselyappealingforsomereason.ThecarwasnewandsleekandblackandwhileIcouldn'thearit
becausethewindowsinmylivingroomdidn'topen,Ijustknewitdidn'troar,itpurred.

Speakingofpurring,Rockyhadjusthoppeduponmywhitemailtablejustinsidethedoor,knocking

offapileofcarefullyorganizedbillsintheprocess,andrubbinghisheadintomyarm.

"Hey,Mr.Rochester,"Isaid,exhalingsohardthatIwouldswearitwasasighasIreachedouttopet

hislittleflatorangeface.AsaPersian,heperpetuallylookedgrumpy.Itwentwithhischaracterandhis
namethatheinfactwasperpetuallyinabadmood."Youhungry?"Iasked,takinghisheadbuttasayesas
Iturnedawayfrommydoor.

Thedaybefore,hehadsaid'hey'tome.
AndIabouthadastroke.
See,Iwasn'tafreak.Untilabouttwoyearsbefore,Iwasaprettynormalpersonwhohadnormal

interactionswithpeople(menincluded).Ievendatedandhadrelationships.Granted,Iwasalwaysabit
ontheanxioussideandrantowardshyinsocialsituationsandespeciallyinthepresenceoftheopposite
sex,butIinteractedwiththemonaprettydailybasis.

Buteversincetwoyearsbefore,theonlymenIeverspoketoweremyuncle,Bry,andhispartner

Carl.Thatwasit.

Somyreactionwas,well,justsurpriseIguess.
Hetalkedtome,inthatperfectdeep,smooth,shiver-inducingvoiceofhis.
AndIhadmadearightfoolofmyself.
Becausethatwasjustparforthecourseinmylife.
Itshouldn'thavemattered.Itwasn'tlikeitwasevergoingtohappenagain.Hehadmovedinayear

beforeandthatwasthefirsttimehehadeverattemptedconversation.Thechancesthathewouldagain,
especiallyaftersuchanidioticdisplay,wereslimtonone.

Butitstillmattered.
Itwasjustyetanotherthingtofeelshittyaboutmyselfover.Iwasgoodatthat.Theoverthinking,

overanalyzing,over-everything-ing.

Thatwasmyspecialty.
Well,thatandlearninghowtodoliterallyeverythingIneededtodofromthecomfortofmyprison.I

mean,apartment.Apartment.

Itwasaniceapartmenttoo.Ihadspentalotoftimetryingtogetittotheperfectcomfort-levelfor

myself.Thatmeantthatitwasgenerallyverybrightandairy.ThewallswereaverylightsagegreenandI
hadnothingonthewindowsexceptwhitesheerssothesunlightcouldstreaminfromeverywhere.Allthe
woodinthespacewaswhite,fromthekitchencabinetstomycoffeetableandTVstand.Mycouchwas
patch-workstyle,alldifferentpatterns,butallthecolorsabitmuted,nothingloud,nothing
overwhelming.

Iusedtolikebold.
Myoldapartmenthadbeenamismatchofdifferentcolorsandstylesandartworkandcraziness.

Beadeddoorshere,brightredwallsthere,hugecanvasarteverywhere.Nothingmatched,butsomehowit
alwaysworked.Myclotheswerealwaysstrewnaboutandmydishesperpetuallyundone.

Itwaschaos.
Onceuponatime,Ihadthrivedonit.
Now,nothingscaredmemore.
SomyhousewasalmostOCDtidy.Everythinghadaplaceandwasinit.Mydisheswerecleanedas

soonasIfinishedameal.Everythingworkedtogetherstyle-wise.Myclotheswereintheclosetor
hamperorwasher/dryercomboIhadinstalledinmycoatclosetafterbeggingandpleading(viaemail)
thesuperallowmetodoso.

IreachedintothecabinetandgrabbedacanofRocky'sfood,puttingitintothebowlandrinsingout

thetinandputtingitinmyrecyclingbeforemovingofftowardthehallthatledtomybedroom.

Thewallswereaslightlylightershadeofsageandmybeddingwasallwhite.Thenightstandson

eithersideofthebedandthelampsonthemwerewhiteaswell.

Order.
Always.
Iwentintomyclosetandgrabbedarobethenmademywayintothebathroomthatwasallwhitewhen

Imovedin.TheonlydifferencefromthentonowwasthefactthatIhadaverybig,verymodern,very
fancysoakingtubinstalled.IhadsavedupforitforsixmonthsbeforeIindulged.

Itwasn'tawasteeither.
Somanypeopleneverusedtheirtubs.
BeingthenervousnellyIwasperpetually,Itendedtotakerelaxingbathsprettymuchdaily.Sometimes

twiceaday.

Ireachedtostopthedrainandputthewateronhot,droppingtwobathbombsinandsinkinginwhenit

wasmostly-full.

Ilayback,takingadeepbreath,puttingahandonmybellytomakesureitinflatedanddeflatedwith

eachbreath;mytherapistwasalwaystellingmethereasonIwassoanxiousallthetimewasbecauseI
wasn'tbreathingproperlyandthatthehandonbellytechniquewouldensurethatIbreatheddeeply.

Ithelped.
Butitwasn'tamagiccure.
Nothingwas.
NoteventhemedicationshekeptprescribingthatIstoppedtakingorfillingmonthsbefore.
Theydidn'thelpandtheymademetiredallthetime.
Anxietyandagoraphobiawerebadenough.Sleepingallthetimehadstartedmakingmedepressed.

And,well,thatwastheabsolutelastthingIneededontopofeverythingelse.

Butbellybreathing,yeah,itdidn'tfixanything.Mythroatdidn'tfeellikeitwasinavicegrip,butmy

heartstillfeltlikeitwaspoundingandmychestwastooheavyandmymindracedfromheretothereand
everywhereinbetween.

Itstarted,asitoftendid,withBryandCarlandtheirweeklyvisits.Ispenttheothersixdaysofthe

weekpreparingforthem.IhadknownBryforalongtime;infact,hadgonetoschoolwithhimandhehad
beenmyonlyconstantfriendthroughoutmychildhoodandadolescenceandadulthood.Hehadchangeda
bitovertheyears.Hegotmoregruff;hewasalittleharder.Buthewasstilltheboywhousedtodraw
monsterswithmeonlunchbreakorcomeupfortheperfectChristmaslistsforSantaoverwinter
vacation.

ButBryhadbecomeamanwhodidthingslessthanlegally.
BrywasalsotheonlyreasonIwasabletostayinmyapartmentandtakecareofmyselfreasonably

well.Ifnotforhim,Ididn'tknow.Iwouldhaveprobablybeenapatheticshut-instill,butlikelyinmy
uncle'sbasement,feelinglikeacompleteburdenandhatingmyselfmoreeachdaybecauseofit.

Iftherewasanythingworsethannotbeingabletolivemyownlife,itwasdragginganyoneelseinto

mysmalllittleworldwithme.

AndUncleDanny,yeah,hewouldhappilydothatforme.
ButIcouldn'tletthathappen.
Hedidenoughforme.
Hell,heraisedmeforalargechunkofmylife.
Iowedhimmorethanburdenandworry.
Assuch,therewasmaybesomelyingdonetohim.HeknewIcouldn'tleavemyapartmentandheknew

Iprovidedformyself.Whathedidn'tknowwasthatBrywasinontheplan.HethoughtImademoney
frommywriting.

Idid.
Butnotnearlyenoughtokeepmeafloat.NotevenifIdownsizedtoacrummierapartment.
Sometimesyouneededtolietothepeopleyoulovedtoprotectthem.
Or,atleast,thatwaswhatIwaschoosingtobelieve.
I'dliketosaythatImadeprogressintherapythatIdidviavideocallthreetimesaweek.Butthat

wouldbealie.Becauseanyonewhowasanyoneknewthattherewasnocureforanxietyand
agoraphobia.Therewerepeaksandvalleys.Thereweregoodandbadtimes,butitwasalwaysapartof
you.Andtherewasonlysomuchmytherapistcoulddowhenthemedsdidn'thelpandIcouldn'tforce
myselftodotheonlyotherthingtoovercomemyissues-exposuretherapy.

Itried.
EverysinglemorningIgotmyselfup,dressed(shoesandall)andIwenttomyfrontdoorandItriedto

goout.

SomedaysIevengotintothehall.
Butmostdays,Iwouldstandtherecompletelyparalyzedbytheswirlinganxiety-thehandaroundmy

throatsensation,thelightheadedness,therollingqueasinessofmystomach,thealarmingslamofmyheart
inmychest,thechillsandgoosebumpswhileIwasbreakingoutintoasweat,thetremblingfeeling
overtakingmyentirebodyuntilitgotsobadthatIwasshaking,standingtherewithmyhandonmy
doorknoblookinglikeIwashavingaseizure.

Itwasstupid.
Irrational.
Itwasbasedonafalsereality.
Butitwasreal.
Itwasrealanditwassickeninganditwasscaryanditprovedtoohardtopushpast.Nomatterhow

muchItried.

Andtheneverysinglemorning,Iwouldkickoutofmyshoes,slipoutofmyclothes,andslideintoa

hotbath,swipingattheuselesstears,andtryingtoconvincemyselfthatthenextdaywouldbedifferent.

Thoughthenextdaywasneverdifferent.
Ihadtobelievethatitmightbe.
Withouthope,well,therewasnothing.
Ihadtobelievethatsomeday,oneday,Iwouldgetbackout.Iwoulddrinkcoffeeatacoffeeshop

withoutfeelinglikeIneededtorunscreaming.Iwouldhaveadatewithoutbeingterrifiedthateveryword
Isaidmademesoundlikeaneuroticfreak.Iwouldseeoldfriendswhohadgivenuponme.Iwouldgo
toseemyuncleonholidays.Iwouldgetanormal,legaljobandIwouldstartlivingagain.

BecausewhatIhadbeendoingfortwoyears,yeah,itwasn'tliving.Itwassurviving.Itwasgoing

throughthemotions.Itwasasad,patheticimitationoflife.

AndIwasreachingtheendofmyropeaboutit.
Thoughthefrustrationatmyownineptitudeonlymademattersworseunfortunately.
Rockyjumpedupontheclosedtoiletlid,lettingoutaloudmeowanddancingaroundinacirclefora

secondbeforesitting.

"Iknow.Wereallymadeashambleofthatintroduction,huh?"Iasked,snaggingaflowerpetalfloating

aroundinthewaterandrubbingthesoftnessbetweenmyfingers.Rockyletoutasneezeashebroughtup
hispawtoclean."Alrightfine,"Isighed."Imadeashamblesofit.Youwereyourusualcharmingself...
andI'mtalkingtomycatagain,"Isnorted,hittingthedrainwithmyfootandstandingtoreachforthe
towel.

Idriedoff,wrappedthetowelaroundmybody,andwalkedovertowardmymirror,lookingintomy

eyesandtakingadeepbreath.

"ThenexttimeIseehim,I'mnotgoingtomakesuchafoolofmyself,"Ivowed.
Atthetime,IhadnoideawhatanepicfoolIwouldmakeofmyselfthenextweekend.

THREE

Ryan

"EarthtoRyan,"Marksaid,snappingnexttomyear,makingmeshakemyheadandjerkbackwardin

mychair,realizingthatIhaddriftedoffinthemiddleofagoddamnmeeting.

Thatwasn'tlikemeatall.
"Sorry,"Isaid,shakingmyheadatmybrotherwho,judgingbythesmirkandthedancingfuckingeyes,

wasenjoyingmebeingoffmygame."Whatwasthat?"

"Thatwasn'timportant,"hesaid,shrugging."Budgetsonthewomen'sshelter.It'sallinthepaperwork.

Whatisimportantisthefactthatyoujustfuckingdaydreamedinthemiddleofaworkmeeting.
Daydreamed.I'mprettysureyoudon'tevendreaminyourmotherfuckingsleep,man,"headded,sitting
backinhischair,armsgoingbehindhisneck."Sowhat'shername?"

"What?"Isnapped,tooquickly,toodefensively.Heknewmewellenoughtocallthatwhatitwas-a

stallingtactic.SoIwentaheadandputitouttherebeforehecoulddigatmeaboutit."Notwhatyou're
thinking,Mark.Myneighborhasherselfinvolvedwithsomelowlives.It'sbeenbuggingme."

Thatwashalf-trueandwouldlikelycomeoffasmostlyhonesttohim.WereitmaybeEliIwastalking

to,I'dnevergetawaywithit.ButMarkandShaneandHuntusuallyacceptedmeatface-value.Iwasn't
easytogetto"know"andtheygenerallyjustbelievedwhatIwaswaswhatIputoutthere.

"Sothisneighbor,"hesaid,headcockingtothesideslightly."Issheoftheoldandhomelyvarietyor

theyoungandhotvariety?"

"She'sashut-in,Mark,"Isnorted."Youwon'tbetakingheroutonthetownanytimesoon."
OrevenifIhadanythingtosayaboutit.
WhichIshouldn'thave,butIapparentlydid.
"Don'treallyneedtotakeherouttohavefun,nowdoI?"heasked,smirkinghigher."Thatjust

answeredmyquestiontoo.She'shot."

"Stayawayfromher,"IgrowledbeforeIcouldseemtostopmyself.
Iwasfuckinglosingitovernothing.

"Oh,fuck,"hesaid,sittingforwardagain,chucklingslightly."Youhaveathingforyourneighbor.

Aboutfuckingtimetoo.You'vebeeninadryspellforwhatnow..."

"Idofine,thanks,"Isaid,shakingmyhead.
WhileMarkandShane(beforehefoundLea)wereofthemanwhorevariety,Ihadalwaysbeenabit

toobusytoputthatmuchemphasisonbedhopping.Igotmyfairshare,butIwasn'tadifferentgirlevery
nightoreveryweekendkindofguy.

"Fineisn'tgreatthough,bro.Greatisgreat.Bangingyourhotneighboruntilyouwakeupthewhole

buildingisgreat."

"Canwegetbacktothebudgetandleavemypersonallifealone?"
"No,Idon'tthinkwecandothat,"Shane'svoicesaidfromthesideandIturnedtofindhimstandingin

thedoortotheoffice,hishulkingframealmosttakingupthewholespace."Whatpersonallife?Sincethe
fuckwhendoyouhaveanythingthatevenresemblesapersonallife?"

SoIwasaworkaholic.
Thatwasnosecret.
Therewasalotthatwentintothefamilybusiness.Andloansharkingwasonlypartofthefamily

business.Therewasalsothebarandthedozenorsootherbusinessesweallownedbetweenus.Andour
dirtymoneygotlaunderedthroughthoselegitbusinessessoIhadtokeepthebooksforeverythingeven
thoughItechnicallyhadnohandintheoperationsofShane'sgymorthelandscapingcompanyorthe
liquorstoreoranyoftheotherthingsmybrothersactuallyowned.

Thenontopofthosetypesofbooks,therewerethebusinessesthatIdid,infact,own.Andhadtostaff

andmakeordersforanddoimprovementsonandsettledisputesfor.Ontopofallofthat,Itookonthe
women'sshelter.Theyhadrunoutofmoneyandweregoingtolosetheirbusinessandbecausemyfamily
wassoinvolvedwithittostartwith,wedecidedtostepin.Ijustsohappenedtobetheonlyonewith
enoughdisposablecashtotakeitover.Anditcamewithitsownheadaches,thoughIdidforceMarktodo
alotoftheworkaroundtheplacetosavemesomehassle.

Iwasfuckingbusy.
FromthemomentIwokeupuntilaboutanhourbeforeIcrashed,Iwasfuckingswamped.
Theywereright;Ihadalmostnopersonallife.
Andmaybetheywereright.Maybeitwasgettingtome.MaybeIneededtogetoutalittle,getlaid,

unwind.ItwouldexplainwhyIwaszoningoutduringagoddamnbusinessmeeting.

"Ryhasthehotsforhishouseboundneighbor,"Marksupplied,makingmepickupapenatthrowitat

him.

Brothers,theywereeverybitasinvasiveassisters,nomatterwhatanyonesaid.Ormaybethatwas

onlytrueinfamiliesascloseasourswas.

"Housebound,huh?"Shaneasked,smilegoingdevilish."Thatkindofworksoutthen,doesn'tit?No

trackingherdown.Notakingherouttoafancydinner.Youjustshowupandyou'refucking."

"I'mnotsleepingwithmyneighbor,"Isaidimmediately.EvenifIhadthoughtaboutit.Often.Usually

intheshower.Likesomekindofhornyfuckingteenager.

"Buthewantsto.Andsheapparentlyhassomekindofdramawithsomedirtbags,"Markadded.
TherewasnosuchthingasprivacyintheMallickfamily.IfMarkknewit,sodidShane.Thenfrom

there,Lea,Fee,Hunter,Eli,andourparents.

Mygoddamncellwouldberingingandbeepingallnight.
Great.
"You'regonnaknight-in-shining-armorher?"Shaneasked,leaningagainstthewall,crossinghisarms.

"Notabadmove.Imean,nottheshortestshortcuttopussy.Butitwillworkeventually."

"JesusChrist,"Isighed,rakingahanddownmyface,mypalmscatchingonscruffImusthave

forgottentoshaveoffsomehow."Enough.I'mnotsleepingwithher.Idon'tplanonsleepingwithher.This

conversationisover."

"Uh-huh,"Marksaid,nodding,smirkstillinplace."Sure,man.SoShane,"hesaidasIsatbackona

sigh,knowingwhatwastofollow."Ihavemymoneyon...aweek,"heoffered,bettingonshitlikewe
werealwaysknownto.

Shanelookedoveratme."Nah,man.He'spracticallyamonkandshe'sashut-in.Isaythree."
"Huntwilldothesmartthingandtakethebetinthemiddle,"Markmused."AndFeewilllikely..."
"Alright,Ihavebetterplacestobe,"Isaid,standing,buttoningmysuitjacket."Likeliterallyfucking

anywherebuthere,"Iadded,grabbingmycellandheadingtowardthedoor."Lockuponyourwayout,"I
finishedwith,closingthedoorbehindme.

Iwasinasourfuckingmood.
Icouldn'tbemadatthem.HadIbeenintheirshoes,Iwouldhavebeenthefirstlayingdownmoneyto

bet.Butbeingtheonepeoplewerebettingon,yeah,itwasn'tnearlyasfun.

Theonlywaytomakeitinanywaybetterwastoprovethemwrong.
Iwasn'tgoingtosleepwithDusty.
Infact,sinceIsaidhellotoherandsheawkwardly(andfuckingadorably)mutteredherhellobackand

disappeared,yeah,Ihadn'tevencaughtsightofher.

Iprobablywouldn'tagainformonthsandbythen,thebetwouldbeoveranyway.
Exceptthatsometimelatethatnight,afternoddingofffourtimesinthemiddleofaworkemailIwas

typingoffonmycellattwointhemorning,andfinallydecidingtopowerdownanddealwithitafter
somesleep,Iwasstartledawakebytheloud,insistent,piercingscreamofanalarm.

Ishotupinbed,heartslammingasIreachedformycell,noticingimmediatelyitwasn'tmypersonal

alarmoranythinginmyapartment,butwascomingfromthehall.Islippedmyfeetintoapairofloafers,
threwonasweatshirt,andheadedtowardthedoor,movingoutintothehalltoseethecarbonalarm
flashingaredwarninglight.

Carbonmonoxide.
Fuckinggreatendtoashittyday.
Ireachedinsidetograbmykeyandclosedthedoor,movingtoturnaroundandfreezing.
Becausetherestandinginherdoorwaywithacatcarrierinonehand,scratchesdownherhands,and

completelyfrozenonthespot,wasDusty.Thehandthatwasn'tholdingthecarrierwasclosedaroundher
throat,likeshewastryingtoeaseapressurethere.Hergreeneyeswerehugeandfucking...terrified.

Ashut-inwhocouldn'tevenmakeherselfstepoutsideherapartmentforanemergency.
"Honey,wegottogo,"Iurged,pocketingmykeysasImovedhalfwayacrossthehall.
"I,ah,"shestarted,shakingherhead,craningherheadouttowardthealarmthatwasflashinganumber

oftwentywhereitwasalwayszero."I,um,Ican't.Just...canyoupleasetakeRockywithyou?"she
asked,thrustingthethrashingcarrieroutintothehall.

Withoutthinking,Ireachedforit.
Itwasknee-jerk.
Abeautifulwomanbegsyoutotakesomething,youjusttakeit.
Thatbeingsaid,Iknewshewasn'tplanningonleaving.Itwasinherterror-filledeyes,hershallow

breathing,hershakingbody.Shewantedmetosavehercatandleavehertheretopossiblydie.

Yeah,thatshitwasn'tgonnaflythatwasfordamnsure.
Iputthecarrierdownandbeforeshecouldguessmyintentionandreact,Ichargedacrossthehallway,

bendinglowandthrowingherbodyovermyshoulder.Myarmclampedtightaroundherasshefrozefora
shortsecondthenstartedstruggling,beggingmetoputherdownandleaveherthere,hervoicegetting
morefranticbythesecondand,asIgrabbedthecarrierinmyfreehandandmadeadartforthestairs,you
couldhearthetearsshewascryinginhertone.

MyhearthadadistinctsinkingsensationasIflewdownthestairs,understandingthatshewashavinga

holyfuckingmeltdown,butknowingthattherewasnowayIcouldhavejustleftherbehindeither.

Islammedthedoorfortheemergencyexitandsteppedoutside,theDecemberairassaultingmefrom

headtotoedespitehavinglongsleevesandpantson.

AndthatwaswhenIsawthecrowdofpeopleallgatheredtowardthefrontofthebuilding,small

groupshuddledtogethertowardoffthechill.

Asifhearingorjustsensingthegroupaswell,Dustystartedstrugglingagain,makingmeturnaway

fromthefrontofthebuildingandheadtowardthebackwherethelotwas,findingmycarandputtingthe
catcarrierdownonthetrunksoIcouldbleepthelocksthengoingaroundtothepassenger'ssideand
openingthedoor,pullingDustydownanddepositingherintothefrontseat.

Ibentinward,reachingacrosshertoputthekeyinandcrankuptheheatbeforegoingtogetthecatand

stickinghiscarrierintheback.

Iwentbackaround,squattingdownbesideherstill-opendoor,likeshecouldn'tfocuspastthepanicto

evendoanythingasbasicasreachingandclosingit.

"Breathe,honey,"Idemandedbecausethewholetimeittookmetocometothesideofthecarand

squatdown,herchesthadn'trisenatall.

Hereyessnappedtome,herlipspartingslightly,asherhandwenttoherbellyandshetookaslow,

deepbreath.Thenanother.

"Iamgoingtogoseeifthesuperorfiredepartmenthasanythingtosay.YoujustsitandbreatheandI'll

berightback,okay?"

HerheadnoddedtightlyasImovedtostand."Okay,"sheaddedandIgaveherasmallsmileandshut

thedoor.

Iwalkedbackaroundthebuilding,hunchedforwardtowardoffagainstthecold,wonderinghowthe

fuckshemanagedtoevengetoutofbedinthemorningwhentheentireworldfilledherwithdreadlike
that,putthatlookofabsolutebone-deepterroronherface,madeherforgethowtobreathe.

Ididn'tgetanxiety.Itwasn'tapartofmylife.Thingsweretoocrazy,toohecticfrommomentto

moment.Iwasraisedwithconstantthreats,stress,anduncertainty.Ittaughtmetotakeeverythingwitha
grainofsalt,toneverletanythinggetthebestofme,tobothliterallyandfigurativelyrollwiththe
punches.

SoIcouldn'trelatetowhateveritwasshehadbeenfeeling,butonelookinhereyestoldmeitwasa

terriblewaytohavetolive.

"Ryan,"thesupersaid,cuppingmeonthebackasthefiremenstartedtofileinside."Sorryforthe

inconvenience.Iknowyou'reabusyman."

Iwasabusymanwhoemployedhiswife,twoofhisdaughters,andoneofhissons.
Hekissedmyass.
"Notsomethingyouhadcontrolover,Andrew,"Isaid,shrugging.
"Don'tworry,"hewenton,lookingupatthebuilding."Itoldthefiremenaboutyourneighbortoo.

They'llgetheramaskandgetherout."

"Icarriedherout,"Isaid,noticinghisheadsnappedinmydirection,hisbrowsdrawingtogether.
"Youcarriedherout?"
"Wasn'tgoingtoleaveherintheretodieofcarbonmonoxidepoisoning,Andrew,"Isnorted.
"Well,nono.Ofcoursenot.I'msurprisedsheletyouisall.Ihadtocomeintoreplaceherstoveonce;

thegirlstoodwithherbackinacorner,herhandatherthroatthewholetime.Shame,that.She'sapretty
youngthing.RemindsmeofmyMandy."

HisMandywasaspoiled,entitledlittlebratwithaterribleattitudeandshrillvoice.Fortunatelyfor

himandher,shewasgoodwithnumbersorelseshe'dhavebeenoutonherassalongtimeagobecauseI
simplycouldn'tstandher.

ShewasinnowayanythinglikeDusty.

Iwasalmostoffendedthathewouldevensuggestit.
Butthatwasinsane.
Westoodtherefortwentyminutes,everymomentthatpassedhadmewonderingwhatshewasdoingin

mycar,ifshewasstillfreakingout,ifshewashatingmefordraggingheroutofhercomfortzone.

ThefiremencamebackoutfinallyandinformedAndrewandtherestofusthattheidiottwentyyear

oldpotheadin2Alefthisstoveonwiththeflameburnedoutandthattheyhadopenedallthewindowsin
thehallsanditshouldbesafetoreturninaboutanhour.

Andrewwalkedofftoward2AtogiveittohimandIfinallygottowalkbackaroundthebuilding

towardmycar.Iwenttothedriver'ssideandopenedthedoor,makingDustyjerkupfromwhereshehad
beensittingbackinherseat,handstillonherbelly,butbodyalotlesstensethanithadbeenwhenIleft
her.

Islidintotheseat,takingasecondtoletthepumpingheatthawmeoutbeforeturningtoher.
"2Aleftthestoveon,"Isupplied,turningslightlytofindherwatchingmeintently.
"Thepothead,"shesaid,smilequirkingupslightly.
"Theoneinthesame,"Iagreed,nodding."Youalright?"Iaskedwhenasilencefellbetweenus.
"BetterthanIthoughtI'dbe,"sheallowedwithanhonestyIfoundmyselfsurprisedby."ThoughIthink

Rockyisgoingtogetpaybackforthis."

"Lookslikehealreadydid,"Isaid,reachingoutdespiteknowingfromherinteractionwiththedirtbag

Brythatshedidn'tseemtolikebeingtouched,andranmyfingeracrossthesideofherhandwherethe
angryredscratcheshadbloodbeadeduponthesurface.

HadImaybebeenalittlelessfocused,alittlelessobservant,Imighthavemissedthewayherair

rushedoutfrombetweenherlips,thewayherfingerstwitchedbutshedidn'tpullaway.

Imighthavemissedthat.
ButIdidn't.
Soitwasn'tthatshedidn'tlikebeingtouched;shejustdidn'tlikebeingtouchedbyguyslikeBry.
"This,"shesaid,hervoicealittleairy,"thisisnothing.Hereallyhateshiscrate.Or,um,beingtold

whattodoatall.Youknow,beingacatoverlordandeverything."

Ifoundmylipscurvingupatthat,unexpectedlycharmedasIreachedpastherforthegloveboxand

flippeditopen,pullingoutwhatwasaprettyfull-servicefirstaidkit.CallitaperkofthejobIoften
foundmyselfin,Iwasneverwithoutsomeantiseptic,tripleantibiotic,butterflyclosures,orsupergluefor
makeshiftstitching.

Iflippedthetopoffthetinysquirtbottle.
"Thisisgoingtoburn,"Iwarned.

FOUR

Dusty

Hishandslidundermine,holdingmyfingersstillashepositionedthetravelsizesquirtbottleof

peroxideovermyhand.ItwastheclosestthingIhadhadtoholdingaman'shandinaboutthreeyears.

Threeyears.
Sothatwholeburningwarningthing,yeah,thatwaspointless.BecauseIdidn'tfeelanythingbutthe

wayhisstrongfingerscurledaroundmine;thewayhispalmwascallousedwhichwasatcompleteodds
withhisusualimpeccablesuit-wearingappearance.Hisknucklesandthetopofhishandwereallmarred
withtoomanyscarstocount,thewaytheycriss-crossedovereachotherinvaryingstagesofred,pink,
andsilverywhiteagemakingitimpossibletoeventry.

Theyweren'tthehandsofamaninasuit.AtleastnotinthewayIunderstoodmeninsuits.Menwho

hadroughandscarredhandslikehisweresupposedtobeconstructionworkersormechanicsor,Idon't
know,cagefighters.

Notbusinessmen.
Somaybehewasn'tabusinessmanafterall.
Andthat,well,itshatteredthelittleoriginstoryIhadcreatedforhimaftersolongofseeinghimcome

andgo.

Inaway,Iwashappyforthenewstory.
MaybebecauseIwasgettingtoexperienceitsomewhatfirsthand,notconjuringupnonsenseinmy

head,anoveractivemindtrappedinastationarybody.

HadyoutoldmeanhourbeforethatIwouldfindmyselfthrownovertheshoulderofamanIhad

maybehadmorethanahandfulofsexualfantasiesaboutoverthepastyear,hisstrongarmcrossedthe
backsofmythighstokeepmeinplace,beingcarriedoutofmybuildinglikesomefreakingherofroma
romanticperiodpiece,youknowbackwhenguysdidheroiccraplikethat,andthendepositedintohiscar
andtendedtolikemytinylittlescrapeswereofupmostimportance,well,Iwouldhavehadagood,
much-neededlaughaboutit.

ButthatwasexactlywhereIfoundmyself.
Iwon'tlie.
Inthemoment,whenIfoundmychoicepulledfromme,whenIwasforcedoutofaplaceIhadn't

steppedoutsideinyears,ithadn'tseemedheroicorsweetorromantic.

Inthatmoment,IhadbeensodesperatetobeshutbackintomylittleprisonthatIhadpoundedmyfists

intohisback;Ihadtriedtokickmykneesintohim;Ihadscreamedandbeggedand,God,cried.

Becausemyhearthadtakenupresidenceinmythroat,beatingwilderthaniteverhadbefore,making

myairgetcaught,impossibletosqueezepast,causingmetogetlightheadedasIbrokeoutintoasweat
andfeltthebileswisharoundthreateninglyinmybelly.

Again,Iknewitwasirrational.
Ofcourseitwas.
Butthatdidn'tchangeanything.
Anxietywasn'trational.
Ibarelyunderstooditmyselfanditwasimpossibletoexplaintoothers.
Ihadhearditallovertheyears.
You'resoobsessedwithyourmentalillness.
Maybebecauseitimpactseverysinglepartofmylife.
It'sallinyourhead.
Iknow,right?It'ssort-oflikeit'samentalillness.
Whydoyouletitstopyoufromdoingeveryday,normalthings?
Hmm,maybebecauseamentalillnessisanactualillness.
Afterawhile,youstopdefendingit,youstoptalkingaboutit,youshutitallupinsidelikeeverything

else,lettingitdriveyoujustalittlemorecrazyeverysingleday.

Untiloneday,itwasalltherewasleft-thecrazy,theunstable,theunstoppablewaveofadrenalinethat

youcouldn'tevenfight.Becauseitisn'tjustmental.Theanxietycausesaphysicalreactionthatcauses
endlesssymptomsinthephysicalbodythatyouliterallycannotcontrol.

Ireadinoneofmymanyself-helpbooksthattheadrenalinereleasedduringapanicattackwaslinked

toabiologicalfight-or-flightinstinctandthatthosewhoweremoreinclinedtoanxietyattackscamefrom
astronglineageofpeoplewhotrustedonthoseinstinctsandactedaccordingly.

Ihadancestorswhoranawayfromtheirproblems.
Andthatleftmewiththeneedtostandandfightmyinvisibleones.
ToobadIwasacrappyfighter.
Butoncehehaddepositedmeintohisseatandturnedoverthecarandremindedmetobreathe,the

lightheadednessstartedtopullbackslightly.Thenwhenheleftmetogocheckonthings,Ihadmanagedto
pullmyselfbackmostlyandgetaholdofmyself.Thecarwasn'tsobad.Itwaswarm.Theseateven
warmedupbehindandunderme.Ithadasomewhatsoothingvibratingasitidled,remindingmeofmy
lifebeforewhenIhadlovedendless,pointlessjoyrideswhenIhadalongdayandneededtounwind.

Inthebackseat,Rockyhadacceptedhisimprisonmentandstoppedshriekingandthrashing.
Andthathelpedlessentheanxietyaswell.
Bythetimeheclimbedbackin,Ifeltmostlymyselfagain.Iwasalittlefrazzled.Myskinfelttingly

andmyheartwasstillbeatingalittlehardandIwasabone-deepkindofexhaustedfromtheaftermathof
theadrenalinesurge,butIwasn'tfreaking.Much.

"Youalright?"hisvoiceasked,unexpected.Ithadbeensolongsincetherewasanyothervoicearound

meexceptformyuncle'svisitsandthescheduledappointmentswithBrythatitwasstartlingtohearit.

Ijerkedslightly,myfingersinvoluntarilytighteningonhis,asmygazeflewuptohisface."What?"I

asked,blinkingtwiceashispiercingblueeyespinnedmine.

"Theperoxide,"heexplained,makingmygazeflydowntowheremyhandwassomehowdripping,

thoughIhadn'tfeltthesprayatall.

"Oh,ah,yeah,"Isaid,lookingbackup,givinghimasomewhatclumsysmile."Didn'tevenfeelit,"I

explained.

AnditwasrightaboutthenthatIrealizedmyfingershadrelaxedonhisfromtheirlittleinvoluntary

spasm,buthiswereholdingminetightly.

Myheart,yeah,itstoppedpoundingsodamnhardforasecondsoitcoulddoastrange,deliciouslittle

flip-flopthingthatmadeanunfamiliarwarmnessspreadacrossmywholechest.

Humancontact.Ihadforgottenwhatitwaslike.
Ifelttheperoxidebottleslidedownontheseatalongmythightorestnearmybuttasacrinklingsound

mademybrowsdrawtogetherforasecondbeforehebroughtupalittleroundpackagedrollofgauzeup
tohismouthandnippedtheside,rippingitopen.

Sohedidn'thavetoreleasemyhandtouseittoopenit.
"I,um,Idon'tthinkgauzeisnecessary,"Iforcedmyselftosaythoughthelargerpartofmereally,

reallywantedhimtowrapmyhandforreasonsIwaschoosingnottoanalyze.

Youhavetoactivelymakeanefforttostoptheswirlingthoughts,Dusty.
That'dbemytherapist,Amy,talking.
SheinsistedIcallherthattoo-Amy.NotDr.Robertson.Iguessitwassometechniquetheywere

taughtatschoolorsomethingtohelppatientsfeelmoreatease.Kindofhowshedidn'tcallus"patients"
either,but"clients".Why,Iwasn'tsure.Iwasdefinitelysick.Iwasabsolutelyapatient.Itwasa
completelyappropriateterm.Butmaybeitwaseasierforpeoplestubbornlystationedindenialtoaccept
themselvesasaclientinsteadofapatient.

So,Iwasgoingtotrytofollowheradvice.Iwasn'tgoingtooverthinkanythingthathappenedinhis

car.

Youknow,atleastuntilIwasshutinmyapartmentagain.
Then,ohyeah,Iwasgoingtoanalyzeittofreakingdeath.
"Bettersafe,"hesaid,shrugging,givingmyfingersonelastsmallsqueezebeforereleasingthemsohe

couldusebothhandstowrapmeup.Mygazewentdown,notwantingtobeacreepwhokeptstaringat
hisface,andwatchedashequickly,butsupercarefullywrappedmeup."Ryan,"hesaidamomentlateras
hestuckthelittlemetaldoohickeyontoholdthegauzetogether.

"I'msorry?"Iasked,lookinguptofindhimwatchingme.
"RyanMallick,myname,"hesaidwithasmallnod.
Right.
Iknewthat.
Because,likeIsaid,Ioccasionallywatchedhim.AndthatmeantIalsosawhisbrotherssometimes

andtheycalledhimRyandRyanandalso,Ioncegotaletterinmypileofhis.SoIhadshotitacrossthe
hallandunderhisdoorbecauseIcouldn'tbringmyselftohandittohim.

"Andyou'reDusty,"hesaid,mynameinhissmoothvoicesendingaweirdshiveracrossmyskin.

"Interestingname."

"Mymomwas,ah..."whatwasanicewaytosayit?"Abitofahippie.SoIgotbrandedwithDusty

RoseSunshineMcRae."

"Sunshine,huh?"heasked,smileteasingupinawaythatmadehisverysternfaceseemwarmand

inviting."IguessIcanseethat."Then,beforeIcouldfallhalfinlovewithhimrightthenandthere,he
movedbackward,settlingmyhandontomyownthigh,andcompletelycuttingoffallcontact.

IwasunreasonablysadatthelackofitasIreachedforthebottleofperoxideandfoundthecap,justto

havesomethingtodo.

"SorryIdraggedyououtofthere,"hesaidawhilelaterasIcompletelyreassembledthecontentsof

thefirstaidkithehadmadeamessof,crumblinguptheusedwrapperforthegauzeandstickingitinmy

pocket,thenslippingthewholekitbackintheglovecompartment.

"Yes,howdareyounotleavemetheretodie,"Isaid,shootinghimasaucysmileovermyshoulderas

Iclosedtheglovebox.

"I'mnotsorryaboutsavingyou,honey.I'msorryI,ah,madeyousouncomfortable."
Uncomfortable.
Thatwasadelicatewaytophraseit.
"It'snotyourfault,"Ioffered,becauseitwastrue."Besides,I'mfinenow."
And,surprisingly,Iwas.
Iwasusedtogivingplatitudestopeople,especiallymyuncleandtherapist.Iwasalwaysfine.Even

whenIwasn't.

ButsittingthereinacarIhadneverbeeninbeforewithamanIhadbeencreepingonsomewhatfora

year,outsideofmyapartmentforthefirsttimeinabouttwoyears,yeah,IfoundIwasn'tlyingwhenIsaid
Iwasfine.

Iwas.
Notgreat,butthatwasaskingfortoomuch.
Butfine.
"Howlonghasitbeen?"
Myeyessnappedtohisface,seeinghimwatchingmeagainandIgotthestrongimpressionthathewas

seeingmorethanIthoughtIwasgivinghim.Hehadthosekindsofeyes,theonesthatreadintoyou.

"Twoyears,"Iadmitted.
"CanIaskyousomethingthatI'vebeenwonderingsince,fuck,Idon'tknow...Imovedin?"
"Sure,"Isaid,bellytighteningslightlyatknowingIjustagreedtoanswerwhateverhemightask.

Thingsthatwerecompletelyunanswerablelike:whyareyouanagoraphobeanyway?

"Howthehelldoyougetthemailmantobringyourboxesuptoyourdoor?Ifmyboxgetstoofull,he

startsleavingmethose'SorryWeMissedYou'notesandmakesmedrivemyasstothepostofficetopick
themup."

Ismiledatthatnotonlybecauseitwasafunnyvisual,butbecauseitwassomuchlikehim.NotRyan,

UncleDanny."Myuncleisourmailman,"Isuppliedwithalaugh."He,well,hemostlyraisedmeso
we'recloseandhe,sort-of,understandsmyissuessohehelpsmeoutbyputtingmypackagesoutsidemy
door."

Mytherapistwouldgetthosedisapprovinglinesbetweenherbrowsattheword"helps",choosing

insteadtosay"enables".Butscrewher.

"Thatexplainsit.Howdidhemostlyraiseyou?"hewentonandwhereitwouldnormallyfeel

invasiveforacasualacquaintancetoaskthat,itwassonicetotalktosomeonewhowasn'ttakingnotes
thatIdidn'tmindatall.

"LikeIsaid,mymomwasabitofahippie.Shedrifted.Neversettleddownandwhenshedid,itwas

usuallywithaman.Sometimes,thosemendidn'twantakidhangingaroundsoIgotdroppedoffin
NavesinkBankandshewentoff...whereverforawhile.Eventually,she'dkickhimtothecurbor,more
often,hewoulddumpherandshe'dfeelguiltyandcomebackforme.We're,um,notclose."

"Understandably,"hesaidwithanodthatsaidhedidn'tjudgemeforpushingheroutofmylife.Hell,I

stilljudgedmyselfaboutit.

"Areyouclosewithyourfamily?"Iasked,alreadyknowingtheanswertothatsinceIhadseenhis

familyvisitoften,butwantingtokeeptheconversationgoing.

Hesmiledalittleatthat,onebrowgoingup."Maybetoocloseattimes,"hesaidinawaythat

suggestedtherewasadeepermeaningthathewasn'tgoingtoletmeinon."Ihavefourbrothers,"hewent
on,notseemingtowantsilenceeither."We'reallclosebecause,well,ourmotherwouldneverallowus
tonotbe.She'sabitofahardass."

"Well,she'dhavetobetoraisefivesons,wouldn'tshe?"Ipausedatthat,wonderingwhatitwouldbe

liketohavesiblings,findingmaybeIwouldhavefeltlessaloneintheworldgrowingup."Itmustbenice
tohavethatmanypeoplecareaboutyouthough,"Isaid,notmeaningtobecauseitimpliedthatnotmany
peoplecaredforme.Andwhilethatwastrue,itmademesoundalittlepathetic.

"Oh,theycarealright.AboutwhatIwear,howIact,whatIdrive,whoIdate,mylackofasociallife."
"Well,Icanhardlyjudgeyouonthat,"Ilaughed.
"Wereyoualways..."hestartedtoask,butIcuthimoffbeforehecouldgetitout.
"No.Thiscameon....graduallyatfirstandthenallatonce.Mostofmylife,Iwasyouknow...normal.

IhadfriendsandIwentoutandIhadajobthatIwenttoeveryday."

"Where'dyouwork?"
"Itaughtkindergarten,"Isupplied,feelingthatlittlefamiliarpanginsideateventhementionofit.

Bettertimesthosewere.

"Youlikekids,huh?"heasked,stillgivingmethatsoftsmilethatIfoundreallydisarming."Igotthree

niecesthatareadorablehellbeasts."

Surprised,achokedlaughescapedme,makingalow,sexyrumblecomefromhimaswell.
"Adorablehellbeastsisaninterestingwaytoputit."
"You'dhavetomeetHuntandFeetounderstandit,Iguess.Feeisabit,ah,let'ssaystrongand

opinionated.That'dbeatamewayofputtingit.Sheownsthephone-sexbusinessintown."

"Gotcha,"Ismiled,figuringthatwoulddefinitelytakeastrong,opinionated,confidentwomantodo

thatjob."Anyotherniecesornephews?Withallthosebrothers,Imean..."

"Wellsomeofushavebeentoobusywithworkandtheothershavebeentoobusychasingskirtsto

settledown.ButmyyoungerbrotherShanejustgothimselfshackedupwithawomannamedLeaandI
expectthemtostartpumpingthemoutsoonerratherthanlater."

"Bigfamily,"Ismiled,findingnosmallbitoflonginginside.
Ilovedmyuncle.
Hewasalwaysmyrock,myanchor,mysafeplacetoland.Hisdoorwasalwaysopentomeasakid,

nomatterwhattimeofnightmymomshowedup,nomatterhowmuchhehadtorearrangehislifetotake
careofme.Hewas,foramanwhokeptmostlytohimselfandthereforewasn'toverlywarm,themost
giving,selflesspersonIhadeverknown.Andwhilemychildhooddidn'tinvolvewarmhugswhenmy
heartwasbrokenorhair-braidingandromcommarathons,itdidinvolvesomeonewhoalways
rememberedmyfavoritefoodsandkeptthemstocked,whoalwaystoldmeIcoulddowhateverIsetmy
mindto,whoneverjudgedmeformyshortcomings.

Thatbeingsaid,therewerenocrazyThanksgivingdinnersorhugeunwrappingsessionsonChristmas

morning.Therewasnobanterloudenoughthatyoucouldn'thearyourselfthinkoverit.

IhadalwayswantedthekindofholidaysIsawinmovies.
Ryanhadthat.
Ienviedit.
EvenifitmeanttheyjudgedmeonwhatIworeanddroveandwhoIdatedandhowIspentmyfree

time.

"IsyourunclecomingtoyouforChristmas?"heaskedwhenthesilencestretchedlongenoughto

becomeuncomfortable.

Christmaswasinjustoveraweek.
"Heusuallydoesforacouplehours,yeah."
"Youcook?"
"Mhmm,"Isaid,shruggingashoulder."Youkindofhavetoinmysituation.Doesyourfamilydoabig

thing?"

"Christmasafternoon,"heagreed,nodding."UsedtobemorninguntilFeehadthegirls.Nowtheyhave

tohavetheirChristmasmorningathomesoitgotpushedlater."

"Isitcrazy?"Iasked,hearingtheneedinessinmyownvoice.
"Fuckingnuts,"hesupplied,willingtogivemewhatitwasclearIneeded."Everyonehastobuyfor

everyoneelsesothegiftstakeuptheentirelivingroom.Unwrappingtakeshoursandthenwehaveahuge
dinnerwhich,bythen,everyonehashadadrinkorfivesoit'sloudandoverthetop.It's..."

"Christmas,"Isupplied,smilealittlesad.
"Yeah,"heagreed,pickinguponthemelancholybecausehissmilewentalmostsympathetic.Iwatched

then,almostinslowmotion,ashishandstartedtoraise,cometowardme.

Onlytofallwhentherewasaloudrappingonthedriver'ssidewindowthatmadeusbothjump.
"Fuck,"hemurmured,lookingannoyedtobeinterruptedasheturnedtofindoursuper,Andrew,

standingthere.Ryanrolleddownthewindowandletoutanimpatient,"What?"

"Allisclear.Youtwocangobacktoyourplacesnow,"hesaid,thatlittledeclarationshatteringmy

smalllittlefantasyworldwhereIcouldsitinacarwithamanandsharestoriesandbenormalfora
while.

ButIwasn'tnormal.
AndIwouldlikelynevergetthechancetohavethelittlefantasyagain.
Asifsensingthesamething,Ryan'sheadturnedtome,hismouthinasevereline,hiseyesguarded.

"Thanks,Andrew,"hesaid,notsoundingthankfulatall.Thenherolledupthewindowandreachedforthe
key,knowingasmuchasmethatthemomentwasoveranditwastimetogobacktoourreallives.

Wherehewasasupersexybusinessmanwithsomekindofdarksideandawild,lovingfamily.
AndIwasaneurotic,homeboundfreakwithanunclewholovedherandacatthatscratchedherand,

well,nothingelsegoingonforher.

Ipracticallyflewoutofthecaronthatthought,goingintothebacktograbRocky'scarrier.
WhatwasIeventhinkingentertainingaconversationwithhim,gettingtoknowsomeonewhoIwanted

toknowmoreof,wantedtoknowallof,whenIknewthatwasn'tsomethingIcouldhave?

Alwayssettingmyselfupfordisappointment.
Thewalkbackupthestairsanddownthehallwasdeafeninglysilent.
"Thanks,"Ioffered,givinghimasmallsmilestandinginmydoorwaythatwasstillopenbecause

neitherofushadbotheredtocloseit.

"Anytime,honey,"hesaidasheturnedaway.
IknewaplatitudewhenIheardit.
Iwasexpertlyversedinthem.
Hedidn'tmeananytimeandIwasn'tgoingtoletmyselfhopeforanythingmorethanjustthatonetime.
JustthatonetimethatsomeonepulledmeoutofmycomfortzoneandIhadn'tfeltlikeIwasdying.
Soonthat,Iwentintomyapartment,letRockyout,andclimbedintomytub,thenproceededtodrive

myselfjustalittlecrazierasIplayed,rewound,replayed,fast-forwarded,rewound,andplayedthenight
overandoveragaininmymind.

Amywouldhavehadalottosayaboutittoo.
Youknow,ifItoldher.
Somehowthatnight,thefirstnightofprogressinyears,Ihadalsomanagedtogiveupongettingbetter.
ThatnextmorningwasthefirstmorninginyearsthatIdidn'tgetupanddressedandstandatmydoor,

tryingtoconvincemyselftogoout.

BecauseIhadgoneout.
Anditdidn'tmakeanythingbetter.
Infact,Iactuallyfeltahellofalotworse.

FIVE

Ryan

"Whereisshe?"mymotherasked,craningherheadpastmeasIstoodinthedoorway.
NoMerryChristmas.
"Whereiswho?"Iasked,strugglingtoholdontothefourbagsandtwogiantboxesIwasjuggling.
"Whereiswho?"shescoffed,takingoneoftheboxesthatwasstartingtotoppleandmovinginwardso

Icouldpass."Iheardallaboutthisneighborwoman."

JesusChrist.
Thegrapevineinmyfamilyputhighschoolrumormillstoshame.
"Sorryyoulostyourtwentybucks,Ma,"Isaid,shakingmyheadatherasIwalkedintotheemptyof

peoplebutfullofpresentslivingroomandputtingmystuffunderthetree.Or,rather,inthemiddleofthe
roomsincethepilespreadoutfromunderthetreetoalmostthecenteroftheroom.

"Fiftyactually,"shesaid,givingmeasmirkasshehelpedmearrangethings."Youshouldknowbetter

thantobetonyoursonssettlingdownbynow."

"Honey,Shaneisinaseriousrelationship.Thereishopefortherestofyouyet."Shestood,takingthe

bagsIhadbroughtthegiftsinwithandmovingtowardthekitchen.Iknewfromalifetimeofknowingher
thatIwasmeanttofollow.AndbeingmetwithaplatteroffreshChristmascookieswasn'tabadwayto
dealwiththeinevitableinterrogationthatwouldfollow."So,whathappened?"

"Whathappenedwithwhat?She'smyneighbor,Ma.That'sit."
"Oh,please,"shesaid,wavingamismatchedwovenovenmittthatIknewFeehadhelpedBeccamake

herforherlastbirthdayatme."Ihearshe'sgorgeous."

"Sheis,"Iagreed.Itwasasimplefact.ShewasmaybetheprettiestwomanIhadeverhadthepleasure

oflayingeyeson.Butthatdidn'tmeananything.

"AndIheardthatyouthrewheroveryourshoulderallfireman-styleandsavedherandhercat'slife."
God.
"Yep,"Iagreed,reachingforanothercookie,wishingsuddenlythatshelacedthosewithrumlikeshe

didhercoffeecakeswewouldindulgeinlater.

"Andyoustillcouldn'tclose?"sheasked,givingmewhatIcouldonlycalladisappointedsmirk.
"Close?"Irepeated,browraising.
"Close.Sealthedeal.Fuckhe..."
"Alrightthen,"Icutheroffonanuncomfortablelaugh.Didn'tmatterthatIwasagrownassmanand

shewasagrownasswoman.Itwouldneverbecomfortabletohearyourmothertalkaboutyou'sealing
thedeal'withsomeone.Noteveninmycrazyasfuckfamily."She'sjustmyneighbor,Mom.Shewas
fuckingfrozeninfearandIdraggedheroutofthereandpatchedupherhandand..."

"Patchedupherhand,huh?"sheasked,lipstwitchingandknowingheraswellasIdid,Ijustknew

therewasgoingtobesomethingabout'playingdoctor'comingoutofherlipsnext.

"Andthat'sit,"Iaddedwithfinality."She'sagoraphobic,Mom.It'snotlikemesavingherfromcarbon

monoxidepoisoningsomehowcuredherofthat."

Infact,therewasnocureforit.
Iknewthatbecause,stupidfuckIwas,Ihadwentonlineandsearchedit.
Ifoundoutalot.IunderstooditbetterthoughIwasprettysuretherewasnowaytotrulygetitunless

youwentthroughit,likeanymentalillness.

ButbecauseIsearchedit,Iknewthattherecoverywasfullofstepsforwardandbackandfrustration

anddisappointment.

AndseeingasIhadn'tseenheroutsideherapartmentsincethatnightinmycar,Ifiguredshewasn't

makinganykindofprogress.

"Besides,"Iwenton,goingpasthertowardwhereafewdecantersofliquorweresittingonthe

counterandpouringmyselfadrink,"she'sanicegirl."

"So?"sheasked,browsdrawntogether.
"So,thelasttimeIbroughtanicegirlhome,youscaredheroffbytellingherthatIwasafucking

enforcerafter,Imightadd,demandingIbringadateinthefirstplace."

Sherolledhereyesatthat."Thatdoesn'tmeanthatIdon'tlikenicegirls.Itmeantthatonewasboring

andcouldn'thandlethetruth."

"Dustyusedtobeakindergartenteacher.NotabikerlikeLeaoraphonesexoperatorlikeFee."
"Kindergartenteacher,huh?Shemustwantkids.Yourdadwilllovehearingthat."
"JesusChrist,don'tstartplanningourwedding,"Isnorted,shakingmyhead.
"Look,she'sagoraphobicand,fromwhatIhear,involvedwithsomeunsavoryguys.That'sinteresting

enoughforme."

"Well,fortherecord,itwarmsmyfuckingheartthatyouapproveofawomanIamnotcurrentlyand

willnotbedating."

"Whoaren'tyoudating?"Lea'svoiceaskedsuddenly,makingmejerkandlooktowardthedoorway

whereIfoundherstandinginskinnyblackjeansandawhitesweater,herlongdarkhairpulledawayfrom
herstrikingface.

Mybrotherhaddonewellforhimself.Betterthanheprobablydeserved.Luckily,thefuckknewthat

andtreatedheraccordingly.

"Theprettyshyneighborgirl,"mymothersupplied,winkingather.
"Ohher.Ilostfiftyonthat.Thanksfornotclosing,"Leasaid,givingmeawickedsmile.
"First,she'snotshy.She'sagoraphobic.Second,stopfuckingbettingonmyromanticlifeandyouwon't

losemoney."

"Feeisstillin,"Shanesaid,walkingupbehindLeaandwrappinghisarmsaroundhermiddle,leaning

downsohischinrestedonherhead."Apparently,asshelecturedmeforaboutanhourwhenItoldher
aboutthebet,wewereallidiotsforbettingsoclose.Guess'causeofheroldissues,sheunderstandsthis
Dustygirls'dealbetterthanus."

MybrotherHunter's(theonlyoneofuswhodidn'tstillenforce)wife,Fiona,hadatrulyfuckedup

childhoodthatleftherunabletobeinherapartmentaloneatnightwhenHuntfirstmether.Assuch,she
eitherwentoutanddrankthepainawayorstayedinandetcheditintoherskin.Sheslowlyrecoveredand
hadHunttattoooverallheroldself-harmscars,wantingtoerasethem,moveonfromthem.ButIcould
definitelyseehowshecouldunderstandDustybetterthantherestofus.

"Yetshestillbetonit,"Isaid,annoyedfornogoodreason.Webetonfuckingeverything.
"Maybeshethoughttwoshut-inslikeyouandherwouldworkoutfuckingperfectly,"Shanelaughed.
"JesusChrist.I'mgonnaneedanotherofthesetodealwithyoualltonight,"Isaid,goingbacktothe

decantersandpouringmyselfanother.Iwasgoingtoneedfiveofthemtodeal,tobehonest.

Myfamily,whiletheylovedeachother,really,reallylikedtorturingoneanotherwhentheygotsome

kindofdirtonthem.

Iwastheonetheyjustsohappenedtohavedirtonthatmonth.IwasprayinglikefuckMarkgothiscar

keyedbysomechickorEliwentbatshitcrazyagainsometimesoonsotheywouldlayoffme.

Untilthen,Ihadtogrinandbearit.
ThattaskwasmadeinfinitelybetterwhenFeeandHuntcameinwiththreeecstaticgirlswantingto

knowwhatSantabroughtthemtoGrandmaandGrandpa'shouse.

Thatwasuntilafterdinnerwhenthekidsranofftoplaywiththeirnewstuff,leavingallofusadultsa

littledrunkaroundthetablehavingcoffee.

ThenIwasaprimetargetagain.
"Seriously,youpullasave-her-lifeandstillhaven'tgottenanywhere?"Markasked,smirking.
"Wasn'tsavingherlifetogetintoherpants,man,"Isaid,reachingformycoffeeandtakingalong

swig.

"No,butitmighthavebeenagoodsegueinthatdirection,"headdedwithachuckle.
"What'stheproblem,Mark,you'renotgettingenoughtailsoyouhavetolivevicariouslythroughme?"
"ThetailIgetisnotunderdiscussionrightnow.We'retalkingaboutyourlackoftail.Quitefrankly,

we're..."hestarted,tryinglikehelltosayitwithastraightfaceandfailingepically,"we'reworriedabout
you,bro."

Ilaughedalittlehumorlesslyatthat.
"Justresignyourselvestolosingyourfiftybucksandmoveon."
Withthat,theconversationatleastdid.
EveryoneturnedtheirattentiontoaskingShaneandLeaaboutgrandbabiesandniecesandnephews,

savingmesomesanityuntilataroundtenthatnight,weallfinallyshuffledoutandheadedhome.

AsIwalkeddownmyhalltowardmyapartment,myfocuswasmostlyonDusty'sdoor,thinkingback

tothesad,enviouswayshehadlookedatmewhenIhadtalkedaboutmyChristmaswithmyfamily.It
wassomethingthatIwassousedtothatIdidn'teventhinktwiceaboutanymore.Allmyfamilygatherings
wereloud,wild,hectic,overwhelming.

Igenuinelycouldn'timagineaquieteveningwithjustoneotherperson.
AsIcameuptomydoor,mygazefinallydriftedawayfromherquietapartmentandlookedtomyown.

Goodtimingtoo,becauseotherwise,Imighthaveplowedrightintoabigrectangularpackageright
outsidemydoor.Ireachedforit,alreadyhalf-turningtowardDusty'sdoor,sureitwasoneofhers,silly
Santa-printedpaperandall,whenInoticedthelittlegifttagandsawmyownnameprintedthereina
delicate,femininescript.MybrowsdrewtogetherasIlookedatthe'from',alreadyknowing,butfinding
thesamedaintyfontwithDusty'sname.MyeyeswenttoherdooragainforamomentbeforeIunlocked
myownandwentinside.

Iflickedonthelightanddroppedmybagofgiftsfrommyfamilybesidethedoor,movingtothe

kitchenislandandputtingdownthegiftfromDusty.

Ireachedforthegifttagagainandflippeditopen.

Thanksfornotlettingmedie.Also,MerryChristmas!-Dusty.
Ididn'tevenrealizeIwassmilinguntilmycheeksstartedtohurt.
IpulledoffthetagandputittothesidebeforeIreachedforthecornerofthepaperandpulled,finding

thattherollmusthavebeendouble-sidedbecauseinsidestaringbackatmewasmoresantas,justbigger.
AndwhenIpulledthepaperaway,Ifoundredtissuepapercarefullytapedtogetherinthecenter.
Apparently,Dustywasoftheperfectionistvariety.Which,somehow,Ifoundcharming.

Irippedthetapeandpulledthetissuepaperawaytoreveal,ofallthings,acanvasprint.
Itwasabstract,likemostofmyart,andlikemostofmyartitwasalsoofamostlyneutralcolor

scheme.Therewerewavesofdifferentshadesoftanandbrownwiththeoccasionalstreakofverybright,
almostaquablue.

Eventhoughitwasn'tsomethingIwouldhavepickedformyself,Igenuinelylikedit.Anditdidn'teven

haveanythingtodowiththefactthatitwasagiftfromsomeoneI,despiteitbeingstupidandfancifulat
suchanearlystage,gaveashitabout.

Withoutreallylettingmyselfthinkitthrough,Ishruggedoutofmyjacket,walkedtomywinecubby

abovemysink,grabbedanicebottleofred,acorkscrew,andtwoglassesincaseshedidn'thaveany,
thenmademywayacrossthehall,tappingonherdoorinthequietestwaypossiblesoitdidn'tfreakher
out.

Therewasalong,longpausefollowedbysomescrambling,thecatshrieking,andfootstepsthat

stoppedrightinfrontofthedoor.Thepeepholedarkenedasshe,Iimagined,lookedout,thenIheardthe
slideofthelocksandthedooropenedtentatively.

AndtherewasDusty...infuckingreindeer-printedpajamas.Thepantshadtinylittlereindeerallover

itandthelongsleeveteehadonegiantreindeerwitharednosefrontandcenter.

"Nicepjs,"Isaid,smilingbecauseIcouldn'tfuckinghelpit.
"I,ah,thanks.Whatareyoudoinghere?"sheblurted,almostinthesamebreath,thewordstripping

overeachother.

"You'rewelcomeandthankyou,"Isaid,givingherwhatIhopedwasanencouragingsmile."AndI

needaglassofwineandIdon'twanttodrinkalone,"Ioffered,lyingthroughmyteethseeingasIhad
plentytodrinkearlieranditfeltgoodtobeclear-headedandsoberagain,butwantinganyexcuseto
maybegetinside.

"Oh,"washeronlyresponseatfirst,hereyesgoingtomyhand.
"Doyoudrinkwine?"Iasked,wonderingifIshouldhavebroughtovercookiesthatAnitaleftinstead.

Whatifshewasonmedicationorsomeshitlikethat?

"Ifit'sgood,"sheofferedwithwhatIcouldonlycallasaucysmileasshetookatentativestepback.It

wouldn'tletmecompletelyintheroom,butitwasastepintherightdirection.

"Theywouldn'tchargemeseventyabottleifitwasswill,"Iadded,holdingupthebottle.
Shenoddedalittletightlyatthatandwenttomoveagain,beforecompletelyblockingmeagain."Wait.

I,um,IneedtoputRockyaway."

"Why?"
"Hedoesn'tlikemen."
"Well,Idon'tlikecatssowe'reeven,"Isaid,steppinginwardbeforeshefoundanexcusetokeepme

out.

"Iguessthat'sfair,"shesaid,lettingmestepallthewayinbeforeclosingthedoorbehindme,locking

it,thenpushingherbackagainstit,watchingmeanxiouslyasIlookedaroundherapartment.

Itwasallwhiteandsagegreen,notmystyle,butitwaswellputtogetherandwelcoming.Iguessifit

wasalldark,itwouldfeelallthemoreliketheprisonitwastoher.

"Niceplace,"Ioffered,movingoverintoherkitchenspacethatwasanexactreplicaofmineand

puttingtheglassesdown.Imadequickworkofthecorkandsetthebottletobreathebeforelookingather

again,findingherafewfeetinsidethedoor,butstillhalftheapartmentaway."Ireallylikethepainting,"I
toldhertruthfully.

Shegavemeasmilethen,relieved."IsawthatotheroneyouhaddeliveredandIsawthisoneand

thoughtitwasasimilarstyle."

"Aspen."
"Sorry?"
"ThepaintingIhave.That'swhatit'scalled."
Shenoddedatthat."Moodyblue,"shesaid,movingtostandattheothersideoftheisland."That'sthe

oneIgotyou."

Inoddedatthat,lookingovertothesmallChristmastreeinthecornerofherapartment,coveredin

carefullychosengoldandwhiteornaments."HowwasyourChristmas?"

"Quiet.Peaceful.Theusual.Yours?"
"Wild.Loud.Theusual,"Ioffered,leavingoutthatahugetopicofconversationhadbeenher."So,

haveanycookiestogowiththis?"Iaskedandshebeamedasshemovedintothekitchen,squeezingpast
mewithouthesitationtogetthemoutofaplasticcontainershehadonhercounter.

"Oatmeal,chocolatechip,chocolatechunk,peanutbutter,coconut,andchruscikis."
"Whatthehellisachrusciki?"Iaskedandsheputdownthecontainerandreachedinsideforalittle

bowtiethingcoveredinpowderedsugar.

"Polishcookies.Deepfriedandhorribleforyou,butthebestthingsever."
"Youhadmeathorribleforme,"Isaid,decidingagainstreachingintothecontainerformyownand

reachingouttotaketheonefromherhand,myfingersbrushinghersintheprocess.Iwatchedherface,
seeingthewayherlipspartedinfinitesimallyatthecontactbeforeIputthecookieinmymouth.

"Good?"sheaskedwhenIstartednodding.
"Fuckyeah.Ineedtogivemyhousekeeperthisrecipe.Ormymother.Whoeverwillmakethemforme

moreoften."

"AnytimeImakethemIwilldropsomeoffoutsideyourdoor,"shesuggested,cheeksalittlepinkand

itwasrightthenthatIrealizedshehadn'thadheruncledropoffthegifttomelikeIhadjustassumed.She
haddoneitherself.Shehadwillinglysteppedoutsideofherapartment.JusttogivemeaChristmas
present.

Thatsoundedafuckuvalotlikeprogresstome.
"Youknow,you'refreetowaituntilyouknowI'mhometodropshitoff."
"Idon'twantto,ah,interruptanything."
"Likemybusynightonthecouchansweringworkemails?"Iaskedwithasmirk.
"No,Imeantifmaybeyouhad...company."
Women.
Shedidn'twanttointerruptifIhadcompanyofthefemalevariety.
AndIsweartofuckIwassecondsawayfromclaimingthatwouldneverhappenjustsoherprettylittle

facewouldcometomydoor.Butfactofthematterwas,nomatterherlittlestrides,Icouldn'tseeherall
ofasuddenbeingjustafullyfunctioningpersonreadyforarelationshipanytimesoon.WhileImighthave
beenpatientandwasn'truledbymygoddamnsexdrive,Ididn'tseeanythinghappeningwithusthatway.

ButIcouldhopeforafriendshipatleast.
SoIcouldn'tmakepromisesaboutneverdating.BecausewhilemybrotherswererightandIwasina

dryspell,Iknewthateventually,Iwouldfindawomaninmytravelsandtakehertobedagain.

"Doorisalwaysopen,honey,"Isaidinstead,knowingthatitwasthebestIcouldgiveher.
"Okay,"shesaid,givingmeafalsesmileandmotioningouttoherlivingroom."Doyouwanttosit

down?AChristmasStoryison.Youknow...onaloopfortherestofthenightbecauseyoucanneverget
toomuchofAChristmasStory."

"Sure,"Isaid,grabbingtheglassesandthebottlesandmovingovertoherlivingareawheretherewas

onlyoneplacetosit.

Anditwasasmallcouch.
Andshewasgoingtobeplasteredtomeonit.
Oh,yeah,steppingacrossthehallhadbeenthebestideaI'dhadinalongfuckingtime.

SIX

Dusty

So...hewasinmyapartment.
Noreasontocompletelylosemycool.
Excepthewasinmyapartmentinhisperfectgraysuitandredtieandnicewatchandperfectly

mussedhairandscruffyfaceandgorgeouseyesandhissweetsmileandhisfancybottleofwine.

Thatseemedlikeaprettylegitreasontofreak,didn'tit?
Sincethenightofthealarm,Ihadbeenupanddown.Oneday,borderingondepressed,thenext

somewhathopeful.Itwasanunusualpatternformethatmytherapisthadpickeduponeasilyandpoked
andproddedmeaboutuntilshefinallygotanswersaboutit.

AndIgaveheritall.
FromthefactthatIkindawatchedRyantohimsayinghionedaytohimforciblycarryingmeand

Rockytosafetyandpatchingmyhandandallthatwasinbetween,everytinydetailthatkeptmeupat
nightandranacrossmymindalldayaswell.

Shehadpausedforalongmomentafter,watchingmeacrossthevideochatwithdarkeyesIcouldn't

read.

Thenshehadtoldmethatitwasreallyonlyappropriatetogethimathankyougift.
Atthetime,Ithoughtshewasjustremindingmeofbasicsocialnorms.Itwasn'tuntilafterthepackage

arrivedandIwassittingonmyfloorwrappingitthatIrealizedhermotiveshadbeenulterior.

Shewantedmetodropitoff.
SheknewthatIwouldneveraskmyuncletodoitbecausethenhewouldaskwhyandhewouldread

waytoomuchintoit,getthathopefullookinhiseyesthatIknewIwouldonlydashwhenIdidn't
magicallygetbetterandbecomeasocialbutterflywhohadasteadyboyfriendandalifeagain.

SheknewIwouldhavetodoitmyself.
Ihadtogiveittoher,itwasagoodmove.
And,aftertalkingmyselfintoitallmorning,thenlisteningforhimtoleave,itwasasuccessfulone.

BecauseIdartedacrossthehall,placedthepresent,thenflewbackintomyapartmenttodealwiththe

panicattackinprivate.

Butitnevercame.
Islammedmydoorandlockeditandpressedbackagainstitand...nothing.Myheartwaspounding

fromthemaddash,notpanic.

WhichwassomethingImulledoverforhoursuntilmyuncleshowedupandwehaddinnerandopened

presentsandthenheofferedmeagoodbyebeforeheadingofftogovisitafewofhisbachelorbuddies.

TheabsolutelastthingIexpectedthateveningwasaknockatmydoor.
Ihadbeeninmyroomgettingreadyforbedwhenitcame,makingmyheartshootupintomythroatasI

froze.Nooneknockedonmydoor.ExceptBryandBrywasn'tsupposedtocomeoveruntilthedaybefore
NewYearsEve.MyhandwenttomythroatasIpaddedbarefootacrossmyapartmentandlookedoutthe
peeptofindRyanstandingthere,lookingalittletired,buthappyandstupidlyperfect.

Ihadn'thadanyonebutBryandCarlandmyUncleDannyinmyapartmentin,well,along,longtime.

Itwasweirdtostandthere,wonderingwhathethoughtoftheplaceashelookedaround.Buthewas
perfectlyasease,makinghimselfathome,uncorkingthewine,anddemandingcookies.

Hiseaseputmealittlemoreateasemyself.
WhichwastheonlypossibleexplanationastowhyIhadinvitedhimtowatchamoviewithmeonmy

ittybittyBarbiecouch.ItwasplentybigformeevenwhenIstretchedoutonit.ButRyanwasabigguy
and,well,hetookupmorethanhisfairhalf.

Thatmeantwhenhesatdown,hisbodywasliterallytouchingminefromshouldertoknee,mehaving

mylegscriss-crossedandstillfittingfullyonmyownside.Hisbodyheatradiatedthroughhislayersof
clothing,acomfortingkindofwarmththatIfoundmyselfenjoyingwaytoomuch.

Hesatforward,pouringthewine,thensatbackandhalfturnedtometooffermemyglass.Ireached

forit,findingourhandsbrushedyetagainand,well,oncewasanaccident,severaltimeswasbydesign.
Hewaspurposelytouchingme.

That,well,yeah,thatwas...nice?
Itfeltnice.Thatwasreallyallthatmattered,wasn'tit?
Hesatbackandraisedhisglasstome."Whatarewedrinkingto?"Iasked."YourHerculeanstrength,

perhaps?"

Hesnortedatthat."Please.Youweighaboutasmuchasyourcat."
"Then,ah,tonewfriendships?"Iaskedalittlehopefully,prayingitdidn'tcomeoffasdesperate,

thoughapartofmewasmostdefinitelydesperate.

Hewatchedmealongmoment,hislighteyesunreadable."No.No,Idon'tthinkweshoulddrinktothat

either."

"Well,I'moutthen.Youpick."
Hislipstippedupslightly,notquiteasmile,butsomethinghintingatit."Here'stoprogress,"he

offered,thewordsalittleheavyandIwantedbadlytoreadintoit,butIforcedmyselftoacceptitatface
value,clinkmyglasstohis,andtakeasip.

Havingneverhadseventydollarwinebefore,personallyconsideringathirtydollarbottleprettygood

stuff,Ihadn'tknownwhythereweresuchthingsaswinesnobs.Buthiswine?Yeah,itwasamazing.

"OhmyGod,"Ihalf-groanedasIsatbackagainstthecouch.
"Sufficientpriceofadmission?"heasked,watchingme.
"Withthis,Iwouldn'tevenbemadifyourmotivewastocomeinhereandrobme."
"TheonlythingI'mstealingismoreofthosePolishcookiesofyours,"hesaidandIrealizedIhadleft

theminthekitchen.

"Oh,right,"Isaid,movingtoboltoffthecouchonlytofindhislargepalmpressingdownonmythigh

rightabovemyknee,firmandunyielding,keepingmeinplace.

"Relax.I'llgrabthem,"hesaid,pressingupwardandmovingacrossmyapartmenttodojustthat.He

placedthemdownonthetablethenreacheduptoremovehissuitjacket,leavinghiminaverywell
tailoreddarkgraydressshirtwithmattebuttons.

"Whatdoyoudo?"Ifoundmyselfblurtingout.
Oneofhisbrowsroseslightly."Iownacouplebusinesses,"heofferedbut,ifIwasn'tmistaken,there

wasabitofaguardednesstohistone.

"Huh,maybeIorderfromyou,"Isaidwithasmile,motioningtowardwhereIhadafewshipping

boxespiledundermymailtable.

"Notlikely,"hesaid,sittingbackdownand,Ikidyounot,puttinghishandrightbackdownonmythigh

againlikeitwasthemostcasualthingintheworld.Likewesatthatwayallthetime."Iownajewelry
store,anofficebuilding,acontractingbusiness,partofabarand,recently,thewomen'sshelter."

"Youownthewomen'sshelter?"Iaskedimmediately,itbeingthemostinterestingofthebunch.
"Justrecently,"hesaidwithashrug."Theywerehavingfinancialissuesinthebeginningstagesand

becausemybrothers'womenandmymomareallinvolvedinitinvariousways,wedecidedweneeded
tostepin.Ijusthappenedtobeinabetterpositiontotakeitonthanmybrothers."

Hestruckmeasthetypetobegoodwithmoney.WelivedinaniceapartmentbuildingandwhileI

knewhehadmademajoradjustmentstohisapartmentwhenhefirstmovedin,itwasn'toneofthemost
expensiveinthearea.Heworenicesuitsandwatches,buthewasn'tconstantlyhavingpurchases
deliveredorbringinghomebagsofstuff.

Heseemedmarriedtohiswork.
Menlikethatusuallyhadmoneytothrowaroundonseventydollarbottlesofwine.
Evenbeforetheagoraphobia,onateacher'ssalary,allthatstuffwasapipedream.
Besides,Iwasraisedfrugally.Iwasn'tmaterialistic.
"Thatisvery...philanthropicofyou."
"Theydogoodthingsthere,"hesaid,shruggingitoff.
Theydidmorethangoodthings.Theychangedlives.Owningit,havinghisfamilyinvolvedinit,he

musthaveknownthat.WhenIreadinthepaperthattheywerebuildingit,myfirstthoughthadbeen-it's
abouttime.Growingup,movingaroundthewaywealwaysdid,Ihadseenmorethanmyfairshareof
batteredwomen.AndNavesinkBankhadtheaddedawfulnessofmenlikeLexKeithandhisGod-awful
trackrecordwithwomentodealwith.

NavesinkBankneededthewomen'sshelter.
AndRyan,mysexyasallhell,sweetascouldbeneighbormadeitpossibleforittostayinbusiness.
Thatsaidsomethingabouthim.
"What?"heasked,headduckedtothesidealittleandIrealizedIhadbeenstaringathim.
Caught,Ijustwentaheadandgavehimthetruth."You'reaprettyphenomenalperson,RyanMallick,"I

said,givinghimasmallsmile.

"Don'tputmeonapedestal,honey.I'llknockthedamnthingoverinafuckingminute."
Again,therewasthatguardednesstohistoneandfacewhenhespoke,makingmewonderwhatitwas

abouthimthatmadehimfeelthatwayabouthimself.Ihadcometotheconclusioninhiscarthathewas
morethanheappeared,morethanamerebusinessmanifthescarswereanythingtogoby,butwhat?What
washe?Whatdidhedo?

Theyweren'texactlythingsIcouldaskhimeither.
Asiftotemperthecomment,hishandsqueezedmythighagain,remindingmethatitwasstillthere,

drawingmygazedown,curioushowitwasn'twhatwasattheforefrontofallmythoughts,humantouch
beingsuchaforeignconcepttomeforsolong.

"Wantmetomoveit?"heasked,interpretingmyinspectionfordiscomfort.
"No,"Isaidwaytoofastjudgingbythewayhissmilewentbemused.

"Good,"hesaid,shiftinghisattentiontotheTV.
Sothenwewatchedamovieanddrankwineandheateeverylastoneofmychruscikis.Anditwas

justaboutthemostnormalofnights,likewediditallthetime,likeIwasn'tsomeshut-infreakwho
everyoneelsebutherunclehadgivenuponbecauseshewastoo'difficult'.

Itwaslikewewereoldfriends.
Andwithgoodwineswirlingaroundinmyhead,makingmyrushingthoughtsheadinanicerdirection

thantheyusuallydid,Istartedtothinkmaybeitcouldbearegularthing.Maybewecouldbeactual
friends.Maybewecouldbemore...

"Dusty..."Ryan'svoicecalled,alow,smoothrumble.
MyheadjerkedinhisdirectionasecondafterIrealizedIhadbeenstaringattherollingcreditsonthe

TV.HiswineglasswasgoneandIwasn'tsurewhenhediscardedit.Buthishandreachedformyempty
oneandplaceditonmycoffeetablebesidehis.

"Yeah?"Iaskedwhenhiseyeswenttomineagain,lookingalittlemoreheavy-liddedthantheyhada

momentago,thoughIforsomereasonwronglyattributedthattothewineandhislongdaywithhis
family.

Because,inmysmalllittleworld,attractionwasneverafactor.
"Sayno,"hesaidoddly,turningonthecushionsohewasfacingmewhichforcedmylegtogoupover

hisslightly.

"Saynotowhat?"Iasked,myvoiceachokedsound.
"Tome."
Iwasamasteratno.
Ihadneededtosayitsomanytimesastheanxietyslowlybutsurelyclaimedmylifethatitstopped

evenbeinghardtodo.

Butnotohim?
Iwasn'tsureIcouldsaythat.
EventhoughIhadnoideawhatheevenwantedmetosaynoto.
Ihadagutfeeling,though,thatIwasabouttofindout.
"I,um,Ican't,"Iadmitted,sayingitmostlytohischestbecausehisgazewasprovingtoointenseto

holdforsolong.

"Thankfuck,"hesaid,low,barelyaudible.
ThenextthingIknew,hisfingerswhispereddownmyjawandsnaggedmychin,gentlyforcingit

upward.

ItwasrightaboutthenthatIfinallyunderstoodhisintention.
Itmighthavebeenahellofalongtime,butI'dbeenkissedenoughinmylifetoknowthatlookwhenI

sawit.

Hewasgoingtokissme.
Also,whotheeverlovinghellwouldeversaynotothat?
Evenme,DustyRoseSunshinegoddamnMcRae,freak-extraordinairecouldn'tdosuchathing.
Hiseyeswatchedmineforalongsecondlookingfor,Iguessed,secondthoughts.AndIshouldhave

hadthem.Ibarelyknewtheman.Ineverletanyonetouchmeanymore.Butsomehow,noneofthat
matteredtome.

IwanteditmorethanIwantedtobeabletobenormalagain,tobeabletobreatheinpublicagain,to

notbreakoutintoasweatattheideaofmakingaphonecall.

Myeyesdippedtohislips,wonderingforasparesecondhowhekissed-hardandruthlessashis

handsclaimedhecouldbeorsweetandpassionateashiswordsseemed.

Ididn'thavetowonderforlongthough.
Hisfingersslidout,movingtoframeonesideofmyfaceashemovedforward,eyeswatchingmine

untilIcouldn'ttakeitanymoreandmineflutteredclosed.

Mybellywasflip-floppingandmyheartwaspoundingandIcouldn'tdrawaproperbreath.
Butitdidn'tmatter.
Becausethenextsecond,hislipspresseddownonmine.Tentative,butsureatthesametime.Likehe

wasgaugingmyreaction,butdidn'thaveanyhesitanceofhisown.

AndI...melted.
Hisheadslantedandhislipspressedharderintomineandmyarmsmovedoutandup,closingaround

thebackofhisneckandpullinghimtowardme.Hisfreehandleftmythighandmovedaroundmylower
back,puttingfirmpressurethere,hardenoughtopullmetowardhimuntilIdidtheabsoluteunthinkable.I
climbedontohislapandheheldmetightlytohimashistonguetracedtheseamofmylipsuntilthey
openedforhimandhemovedinside,lavishingovermeuntilIletoutalowwhimperagainsthislips.

Mylegstightenedaroundhissides,tryingtopullhimcloserthoughitwasn'tpossible,beggingfor

thingsIhadn'tletmyselfwantinlongerthanIcaredtoadmittoevenmyself.

Mybreastsswelled;mynipplestightenedagainstthesoftfabricofmyshirt;mypantiesstartedsticking

tomyskinwithdesire.

Hisbodytwistedashishandslidfrommyjawandupintomyhair,slidinginandcurling,butnot

pulling,ashesatbackagainstthecouch,takingmefullyontohislap.

Thehandthatwasn'tinmyhairmovedtothesideofmyhipandsankin,animpossibletoignorefirm

pressure.MyhipssankdownandIfelthishardnesspressagainstmycleft,makingmeletoutasurprised
gaspasIpulledback,myeyesopening.

Hisopenedmoreslowly,heavy,ashishandloosenedinmyhair.
"Youokay?"heasked,barelymorethanarumble.
Ididn'tanswer.
BecauseIwas.
IwasmoreokaythanIhadbeeninanimpossiblylongtime.
Soinsteadofresponding,mylipscrashedbackdownonhis,feelingthemcurveintoasmilebefore

theystartedkissingmeback-harder,hungrier,asneedyasIfelt.

Withoutmebeingconsciousoftellingmybodytodoso,myhipsrockedagainsthim,makinghis

hardnesspressagainstwhereIneededhimmost,makingmeletoutamoanashemadeagrowlingnoisein
response,hisfingerstighteninghardenoughtobruise.

AnditwasrightthenthatIfeltanunmistakablevibratingagainstmyinnerthighwherehispocketwas

situated.

"Fuckit,"hemumbledagainstmylips.
Ihadtoagree.
Fuckit.
Itstopped,butasmyhipsdidanotherdeliciousswipe,itstartedagain,makinghimmakeanangry

soundasIpulledback.Myeyesopenedslowly,feelingweighted,findinghisequallyheavy-lidded.

"Itmightbeimportant,"Iheardmyselfmumble,myvoicelowwithdesire,alittlebreathless.
Thenliketoprovemypoint,therewasashortpausebeforeitstartedupagain.
"Fuck,"hesnappedasIslidoffhislapandtotheside,pressingmythighstightlytogethertotrytostem

thedesirethere.Hereachedforhispocket,slamminghisfingeragainstthescreenandbringingituptohis
earwhilebarkingout,"What?"

HelistenedforalongmomentasItrieddesperatelytogetmyselftogether.
Itwasn'tthatIdidn'thaveanormalsexdrive.Idid.Infact,backintheday,itmighthavebeen

consideredhigh.Butwhenyouareshut-inyourapartmentallbyyourselfforlongenough,itslowlyebbed
away.Because,quitefrankly,yourownfingersandvibrators,well,justdidn'tcutit.Itwasn'tthesame.It
waslacking.Andeventually,Ilostinterestinit.

Sotohaveitcomeroaringbacktolifeaftersolongitwasalmostcompletelyoverwhelming-the

racingheart,thetinglingskin,theheavinessinmybreastsandlowerstomach,theachingneedbetweenmy
legs.

"Honey,"Ryan'svoicecalled,makingmyheadjerkuptofindhimwatchingme,thephonealready

tuckedaway.

"Yeah?"
"Thatwaswork,"heoffered,soundingsorryalready.
Iknewwhatthatmeant.
"Youhavetogo."
"Unfortunately,"heagreed,nodding.Hishandreachedouttotouchmyknee,histhumbrubbingacross

itreassuringly.

UnsurewhatIwassupposedtosay,Itriedforcasualandshruggedashoulder."Okay."
"Hey,"hesaid,duckinghisheadalittletocatchmyeyesthathadfallenslightly,wantingtonotshow

howdisappointedIwas."WhatareyoudoingNewYearsEve?"heaskedoddly,makingmyheadsnapup,
mybrowsdrawingtogether.

"NewYearsEve?"Iparroted.
NewYearsEvewasfivedaysaway.
Five.
Workwasgoingtotakehimawayforfivedays?
"Yeah,withthechampagneandthebigballfallingfromtheskyandthatsongthatissupposedtocheer

peopleupbutalwayssoundssad..."

Ismiledalittleatthat."Um,Idon'texactlyhaveawildsociallifehere,Ryan,"Isaid,wavingahand

out."I'llbewatchingtheTVwithRocky,"Iadded,lookingaroundandrealizinghehadn'tcomecharging
intoscratchtheever-lovinghelloutofRyan.Itwascompletelyunlikehim.Ievenhadtolockhiminthe
bedroomwhenmyunclevisited.

"Howaboutyouthinkaboutcomingovertomyplace?"heoffered.
Hisplace.
Consideringitwasalloffivefeetawayfrommydoor,italmostseemedlaughablethathewasasking

thatsofarinadvance.

"FiguredIwouldsuggestitearlysoyoucouldworkyourselfuptoit,"headded,makingmylipsfall

openslightly,surprisedthathegotit.

Iwouldhavetoworkmyselfuptoit.
Andeventhen,therewerenoguarantees.
"Icanworkonthat,"Isaid,nodding."Ican'tmakeanyprom..."
"Wasn'taskingforpromises,"hecutmeoff."Justtellmeyou'lltryandIwillbehappy.Andnot,"he

wentonashestartedtoslowlystand,"disappointedifyoucan'tdoit."

"Noexpectations?"Iasked,standingaswell,findingmyselfbothimpressedandconfused.Confused

becauseeveryonealwayshadexpectations.Impressedthathethoughttotellmethathewouldn'tmindifI
couldn'tforcemyselftodoit.

"Nope,"hesaidwithaheadshakeasheshruggedintoajacket.Thenhissmilewentjustatinybit

devilishasheadded,"Ifyoudon'tcomemyway,I'minvitingmyselfoverhere.Soeitherway,Iwin."I
smiledatthat-big,happierthanIhadbeeninlongerthanIcaredtoadmit."Thanksforthepresentandthe
cookiesandthecompany,"hesaidashemovedtowardthedoor.Goodmannershadmefollowingbehind,
reachingtoholdthesideofthedoorashesteppedintothedoorway."MerryChristmas,Dusty,"hesaid,
leaningdownandplantingachasteandutterlymelt-worthykisstomyforeheadbeforemovingdownthe
hall.

"MerryChristmas,Ryan,"Icalledafterhim,makinghimshootmeasmileoverhisshoulderbeforehe

disappearedintotheelevator.

Iclosedandlockedthedoor,takingaslow,deepbreath.
Then,justforgoodmeasure,reachingdownandpinchingmyarm.Youknow,justtomakesureIhadn't

diedinthecarbonincidentafterallandwasn'texperiencingsomelong,drawn-outhallucinationbeforeI
finallycroaked.

ThepainstungmyarmandmyheadfellbackagainstmydoorasIsmiledatmyemptyapartment.
IthadcertainlybeenaChristmasforthebooks.
AnditwasshapinguptobeaNewYearsEveforthemtoo.
WhetherornotImanagedtomakeitacrossthehall.
Asitturnedout,Iwould.
ButnotbecauseIhadworkedmyselfuptoit,thoughIhadcertainlytried.
No,thecircumstancesforwhichIfoundmyselfinhisplacewerealotlessinspiring,alotless

groundbreakingthanthat.

Itwasahellofalotmoreugly.
And,tobehonest,ithadbeenalongtimecoming.
Ihadalwaysknowntherewasarisk.
Ihadalwaysknownthatsomedayitwouldcatchuptome.
ItjustsohappenedtodosoonthedaybeforethenightthatIwantedtogoalotdifferently.

SEVEN

Ryan

So,itwasnosecret;Ihadalwayshadathingfornicegirls.
Blamemyroughlifestyle,theviolence,thepain,theuncertainty,thehardIwasalwayssurroundedby,

thescum,theblood,thenastyshit.

Irespectedhardasswomenlikemymother,likeLea,evenFeeinherownway.Buttheyhadnever

beenthekindofwomenIfoundmyselfinterestedin.

Hell,itwentallthewaybacktohighschoolwhereIspentagoddamnyeartryingtogetthisshy,

glasses-wearing,booknerdtogivemeashot.Sheneverdid.Didn'tblamehereither.MybrothersandI,
well,wedidn'thavethebestofreputations.Wewerealwaysgettingintofights,alwaysstartingshit,
alwaysjokingaround.

And,aswegotoldenoughforthosethings,screwingaround.Notexactlybreakinghearts,atleastnot

onpurpose,butgettingaround.

Butfromthenon,ithadalwaysbeenatrend.
Ilikedsoftandsweet.
WhichwaswhyIwasstandinginthefuckingpartystorethedaybeforeNewYearsEve.
Yes,themotherfuckingpartysupplystore.
IwasstandingtheredebatingwhatdecorationsIshouldgetformyapartment.Me,whoneverevenput

upagoddamnChristmastree,wasgettingNewYearsEvedecorations.

"Okay,doesmycarhavesomekindofgasleakorsomething?"Fee'svoicecalledfromtheside,

makingmestiffen.Ofcourse.OffuckingcourseIwouldrunintoafamilymemberwhiledoingsomething
completelyuncharacteristicthatwouldthereforebeatopicofmuchdiscussion.IturnedtofindFee,
dressedinskinnybabypinkjeans,fiveinchheels,andsomesortofshimmerygoldsweatshirtthatrodeup
slightlytorevealasliverofstomach.Feewas,amongmanyotherinterestingthings,reallyintoclothes.
Evenafterthreekids,shelookedlikeshewasreadytowalkarunwayatanygiventime."Becausethereis
nowaythisisnotsomekindofhallucinationbroughtonbyfumesofsomesort."

"HeyFee,"Isaid,leaningdownandkissinghertemple,noticingthehugepileofconfettipoppersshe

hadinherhandbasket."You'regoingtobecleaningupconfettiforweeks,"Iwarnedher,shakingmy
head.

"Please,"shesaid,rollinghereyes."Beccasomehowlearnedwhataglitterbombwastwomonths

ago.I'mstillfindingthatshiteverywhere.Thisisnothingabroomcan'tcatch.Now,changingthesubject
isn'tgoingtowork.Whatthehellareyoudoinginapartystore?IsChaz'sfinallygoingtospiffthingsup
fortheholiday?I'veonlybeensuggestingthatforyears."

Rantingandravingaboutmorelike.
Popswasoldschool.Hedidn'tlikedecoratingforshit.NotevenastrandoflightsforChristmas.
"No,"Isaid,reachingoutandgrabbingsomeofthepartypoppers,atalossforwhatthehellelseIwas

supposedtoget.Anitawouldbepissedatme,butconsideringIkeptacleanplaceandsheusuallyonly
everhadtorunavacuumoramoponceaweek,IfiguredIcouldgetawaywithitforaholiday.

Shewatchedmeforasecondwithsmalleyesbeforealittle,teasingsmilepulledatherlips."You

invitedheroverdidn'tyou?Okay,spill.Whathappened?"

"Dropit,Fee,"Isaid,shakingmyheadatherasIwalkedpasttheplasticchampagneflutes.Ihad

somerealonesathomethatIhadliterallyneverused.WhichremindedmethatIneededtobravemy
brother'sgoddamnliquorstorethatwassuretobemobbed.Hisassbetterhavetakenmyadviceand
movedthechampagnefrontandcentersoIdidn'thavetofightforelbowroominthebackcornerwhereit
wasusuallystoredseeingasnooneeverboughtchampagneanyothertimeoftheyear.

"No.Comeon,"shesaidinamorereasonabletone,grabbingmyarmtostopmefromwalkingaway

fromher."Justthisonce,we'llkeepitbetweenthetwoofus.Iwon'teventellHuntIsawyouhere,"she
offered,soundinggenuine."Iknowshehasissuesandmaybeyouneedsomeonetotalktoaboutthat."

"ShedroppedmeoffaChristmaspresent,"Isurprisedmyselfbyadmitting.
"Andyouofcoursecouldn'tstopyourselffromgoingoverthereandthankingher,"shesaidwitha

knowingsmile.

"Somethinglikethat,"Iagreed.
"Wasshefreakingout?"
"No.Actually,shewasgood.Almostcalmforthemostpart."
"Herapartmentishercomfortzoneandyou'reasafepersonforher.Shedoesn'thavetoworryabout

yougettingpissedatheroranything.Didthingsget...physical?"

"Letitdropwiththebetthing,Fee,"Iwarned.
"Iwasn'taskingforthebet.Christ,relaxalittle,"shesaid,shakingherhead."Iwasjustaskingtoask."
"Ikissedher,"Iadmitted,leavingoutthefactthatitwasthefuckingbestoneI'deverhad.Maybeit

wasassimpleasheropen,sweet,unexpectedlyoverwhelmedreactiontoit.Maybeitwasmorethanthat.
Whoknew.AllIdidknowwasIwaspissedashellwhenIgotacallaboutoneoftheguysIhadpaida
visittothatmorningshowingupatRossWard'sundergroundfightingring,throwingaroundmoneyhe
owedus.

I'dneverbeenpissedtobetheonecalledwithaworkproblem,notevenonaholiday.
Butjustthatonce,Ihadbeen.
And,thoughIgenerallywasn'tthebrotherwhospilledbloodanymore,Ihadjust-healedcutsonmy

knucklesfromtheangerIwentatthatbastardwith.First,forscrewingwithmyfamily.Second,for
screwingwithsomethinggoodthatwasdevelopingwithmeandDusty.

"TheninvitedheroverforNewYearsEve?"Feeasked,eyesgoingalittlesoft."Soyouneedtoget

decorationstomakeathingofit.Idon'tusethisphraseoften,Ryan,butthat'sfuckingcute."

"Ithinkyoutemperedthe'cute'withthe'fucking'precedingit.Nooneistakingyourbadasscardaway

fromyou."

Sheignoredthat."Whataboutifshecan'tcome?"

"ThenI'mgoingtoherplace."
"Solidplan,"sheagreedwithanod,reachingforhercellasitchirped."Oh,don'tforgetfood.Nota

sitdownmealkindofthing.Snackystuff.Soitdoesn'tgetinthewayof,ah,otheractivities.Oh,"she
added,havingstartedtowalkawaythenturningback,"andcondoms.Ifshe'sbeenagoraphobicforthat
long,Idoubtshe'suptodateonbirthcontrol.Actually,Ihaveawholebagfulloff..."shetrailedoff,
movingtorummagethroughherpurse.

Feekeptaliteralfishbowlfullofcondomsonthebathroomcountersatherwork.
"Fee,Ihavecondoms,"Isaidwithasmirkasshestoppedshuffling.
"You'resure?"
"Yeah,babe,I'msure."
"Okay.Justchecking.Ifyouneedareminderofwhyyouneedcondoms,Iamhappytodropoffthe

hellionsforanafternoon,"sheadded,wavingoverhershoulderatmeasshewalkedtowardthecounter.
"HaveahappyNewYear,Ry,"sheaddedasIcontemplatedtherowofblack,gold,andsilverpaper
dishesandnapkins.

FiguringAnitawouldhatemelessifIdidn'tleaveasinkfullofdishesontopoftheconfetti,Igrabbed

abunchandheadedtothecountermyself.

Fromthere,Ihittheliquorstoreandthenthefoodstoreandmademywayhome.
IwasbarelyhalfwayoutoftheelevatorwhenIknewsomethingwaswrong.
First,thenoise.
Therewascrashingandcursingandyellingandthewhackingsoundsthatmyhistorytoldmewasthe

unmistakablesoundoffisthittingflesh.

Mystomachtwistedpainfullyasmyeyeswenttomydoor.
Second,therewasthefactthatherdoorwaswideopen.
EverythingfellfrommyhandsinablinkasIrandowntherestofthehallandintoherdoorway.
Ifrozeforthebarestofseconds,themessagenotseemingtotransferfromeyestobraintobodyfast

enoughasIwatchedtwomen,notBryandhiscohort,buttwoothermen-big,ugly,mean-looking,inher
apartment.Onewasrummagingaroundthealreadydestroyedlivingarea,overturningdrawers,ripping
openpillows.

Theother,yeah,hewasonDusty.
Meaninghewasstraddlingherwaistandthosefisthittingbonessoundscamefromhim.
Iheardaroaringsoundanddidn'tknowitactuallycamefrommeuntileyesshiftedinmydirection-the

dark,almostblackonesfrombothofherattackersandtheonenot-swollen-closedgreeneyeofhers.

AndIfuckingflewattheguywhodidit.
Hecouldn'tevengettohisfeetbeforeIhadhimbythethroat,throwinghimsohardthathecrackedthe

plasterinthewallbehindhim.

Thenitwaswhatitwas.Itwasfistsandbloodandhowlsandcursingandbonesbreakingundermy

knucklesandadrenalinesurgingthroughmysystemandmybloodracingsofastthatitwhooshedinmy
ears.

Ididn'tknowhowlongitwenton.Itfeltlikeseconds,butjudgingbytheraw-meatlooktotheman's

face,ithadtohavebeenlongminutes.Butthenarmsgrabbedme,yankingmeback,makingmybackcrack
againstDusty'skitchencounterhardenoughtowindme.

Theguywhograbbedmehauleduphisfriendandtheytookoff.
Itookaslow,deepbreath,tryingtocalmitbackdown.Forthefirsttimeinmaybemylife,Iwentinto

afightsomethingotherthancoldanddetachedandcalm.Forme,itwaslikeanyotheraspectofmyjob.I
diditrationally.IfinallyunderstoodwhathappenedwithEliwhenhelostit,whenhewenthot,whenhe
wasanunstoppableforceofrage.

Itwasrightthen,earsnolongerwhooshing,thatIheardthelow,sad,painedwhimperscomingfrom

mysideandIlookedovertoseethatDustyhadrolledandcurledupinthefetalposition,rockinggently.
Oneofherhandsheldherface,theotherherstomach.

Fuck.
Motherfuck.
Irushedovertowardher,gettingdownonmykneesbyhersideandreachingouttotouchherhand.
Sheletoutashriekandjerkedaway,makingmystomachdropinanauseatingway.
"Honey,it'sme,"Isaid,makingmyvoicesofteventhoughitfeltlikemyjawwasgoingtocrackfrom

howharditwasclenched."It'sokay.They'regone.You'realright."

Sheletoutanotherwhimperasshedroppedherhand,givingmeafullviewoftheblackandswollen-

shuteye.ThesightbroughtanotherwaveofragethatIhadtofightback.Shedidn'tneedmeangry.She
neededmecalmandcontrolled.

"Everythinghurts,"sheadmitted,hergoodeyelosingthebattlewithtearsandtheystartedstreaming

downherface.

"Iknow.Iknow,honey,"Isaid,reachingdownforher,gladwhenshedidn'tshyawayasIpulledher

halfupontomylap.Whenshedidn'tscreamatthewayItwistedherslightly,Ifiguredherribswerefine,
thatthepaintohercenterwaslikelyjustmuscular,notbone."Whowerethey?"Ifoundmyselfasking,
brushingsomeofhersoftblondehairawayfromherface."Whatdidtheywant?"

ItwaslikeIshotagunoffinherapartment.
Thetearsstopped,hereyewenthuge,andthensheflewupward,lettingoutaloudcryofpainatdoing

so,butgettingupandcrawlingacrosstheroomtoundertheTVcabinet,scramblinginside.

"Dusty,calmdown,"Iurged,movingdownbesideher,watchingwithdrawn-togetherbrowsasshe

foundabox,pulleditout,andopenedit.

"No.Nonononono,"shecried,rockingbackandforthslightly,goingbackintothecabinetand

feelingaround."God,no."

"Alright,"Isaid,reachingoutandtakingherhands,pullingtheminfrontofherandholdingthemin

place.

"Letmego."
"Notuntilyoutellmewhatyou'relookingfor."
"Fivehundred30s,"shesaidinadesperatehiss.
30smeantthirty-milligramsofPercocet.
Asinglepillatthatdosewouldgofortwentyonthestreet.
Fivehundredofthosemeantthatshehadjustlosttenthousanddollarsworthofdrugs.
Tenthousand.
JesusChrist.
"YouunderstandwhatI'msaying,right?"sheasked,swallowinghard,tonedesperate.
"Iknowexactlywhatyou'resaying,"Iagreed,nodding.
"Brymightbeafriendofmine,buthecan'tjust...letmelosetenthousanddollarsofhis."
Thatwasthedamntruth.
Whenitcametodrugdealers,oldfriendornot,businesswasfuckingbusiness.
AndshejustlostahugestashofdrugsthedaybeforeNewYearsEvewheneveryonewouldbe

scramblingtofeelgoodallnight.

"Whowerethoseguys,Dusty?"Iasked,wantingtotakecareofherbutknowingtherewouldbe

nothingthatcouldeaseherminduntilwefiguredsomeshitout.

"Ihavenoidea.I'veneverseenthembefore.IthoughtitwasBryshowingupearlysoIwenttopullthe

dooropenanditcrashedinand..."shetrailedoff,shruggingashoulder.

"Alright,honey,listen,"Isaid,duckingmyheadalittletocatchhertroubledgaze."Iknowthisisa

hugefuckingdealanditneedstobehandled,butrightnow,Ineedyoutoletmecleanyouupandlookyou

over.Figurethehospitalisoutofthequestion,"Iadded,thoughIwouldhavepreferredaCATscanto
makesureshedidn'thaveaconcussionandanx-rayforherribs,butIwasn'tgoingtopush.She'dbeen
throughenoughtraumaforonenight.

"Maybeyoushouldpatchyourselfupfirst,"shesaid,reachingouttentativelyandputtingherfingerson

thesideofmyhand.

Lookingdown,Isawmyknucklesbustedopen.But,likelybecausemybodywasusedtotrauma,the

bleedinghadalreadylongstoppedandIwouldbescabbedoverbeforetheendofthenight."Thisis
nothing,"Isaid,shakingmyhead,movingtoslowlystand,pullingherupwithmegently"Canyoutakea
deepbreath?"

"I'massumingyoumeanamIphysicallycapable,"shemusedwithasmallself-deprecatingsmile,

movingheronehandtoherbellyandexpandingitwithair."Yeah."

"Alright.Howstockedisyourmedicinecabinet?"Iasked,glancingdownthehalltotheopendoorto

herbathroom.

"Bandaidsandtripleantibiotics?"shehalf-asked,half-declared,lookingunsure.
"Alright,Iwillgrabsomestufffrommyplace.Youalrighttostayhere?"
"CanIcome?"sheshockedmebyasking,makingmeturnfullytolookather,mybrowsdrawn

together.

"Tomyapartment?"Iclarified,watchingher.
"Ikindajustdon't...wanttobeinhererightnow,"sheadmitted,lookingaroundlikeshedidn't

recognizeitanymore.Giventheutterdisasteritwasin,Iimagineditwasmoreanxiety-inducingforherto
staythanleave."Ifthat'sokay,"sheadded,lookingdownatherfeet.

"Honey,youcanstaywithmeaslongasyouneed,"Ioffered,reachingdowntotakeherhand,only

somewhatsurprisedwhenshenotonlyletme,butsqueezedtight."Comeon,"Iaddedwhenshehesitated,
lookingaround."I'llfindRockyoncewegetyoupatchedup,"Isaid,knowingthatwaswhatwasholding
herback.

"Thanks,"shesaid,voicequietasIledheracrossthehallandunlockedmydoor."Arethoseyour

bags?"sheadded,noddingdownthehall.

"Nothingimportant.I'llgetitwhenIgetthecat.Comeon,"Iurged,pullingherinsideandclosingthe

door.

"Hasanyoneevertoldyouthatyourapartmentsortofscreams'bachelor'?"
Ismiledatthat."Mybrother'swoman,constantly."Iledhertowardthehallonlytohaveheryank

back,stoppingandlookingatthecanvasshehadgivenmethatIhadfoundaspotforinthehallway.

"Youhungitalready."
"OfcourseIdid.Comeon,stopstalling.Weneedtogetyourfacetreated."
Withthat,Iledherintomybathroomandwentstraightforthelinencloset,draggingoutthebigplastic

containerfullofeverymedicalsupplyyoucouldgetinastore(andafewyoucouldn't)andputitdownon
thecounter.

WhenIlookedbackather,shewasstaringatherselfinthemirror,herlowerlipquiveringatthemess

herfacehadbeenturnedinto."Itwillallgodown,Dusty,"Ioffered."Theeyeandthecheekandthelip.
Theylooksobadbecausethey'reswollen.Thebruiseswillfade.Thecuts,well,youmighthaveascaror
two,buteventhosewillfadeeventually.Trustme,"Iaddedwhenshejustkeptstaring.

"Youfightlikesomeonewhodoesitoften,"shesaid,catchingmygazeinthemirror.
"NotasoftenasIusedto."Ididn'twanttolie,butIdidn'twanttogiveherthefulltruthyeteither.
Luckilyshedidn'tpress."I'msorryaboutyourhands."
"It'snothing,"Isaid,grabbingasterilegauzeandcoatingitwithperoxidethenreachingforherhipto

turnhertofaceme.Ifeltmyselfwince,steelingmystomach."Thisisgoingtohurt,"Iwarned.

Shegavemeasmallnodandtookadeepbreath.

Shepressedherlipstogetherandtriedtobitethebulletaboutit,butbythetimeIhadallthecuts

cleanedout,hertearsweremixingwiththeperoxide.

"Sorry,"Isaid,strokingafingerdownherjaw."Thiswillhelp,"Iadded,reachingforthetriple

antibioticandaQ-tip,slidingthegloppyshitalloverherface."Okay,"IsaidwhenIwasdone."Ineedto
checkyourribs,"Iwenton,wonderinghowmuchofanissuethatmightbe.

Sheswallowedhardandnoddedtightly."Okay."
Thatwasit-okay.
Shedidn'treachforhershirttoliftit.
"CanI?"Iasked,touchingthehemofthetee.
ShegavemeanothertightnodandIslowlymovedthematerialup,revealingmoreofherpaleskin,

marredinseveralspotswithlightbruisingthat,whileitdidn'tlooklikemuch,probablyhurtlikeabitch
andwouldhurtmoregivenanighttoreallysetin.Butitwasn'ttoobad.BetterthanIexpected.WhenI
caughtsightofhergrayandwhitepolka-dottedbra,Istopped,pressingthematerialofherteeunderthe
bandwithonehandandreachingoutwiththeother,slidingacrossherbellyandseeingthemusclesunder
theskincontractatthecontactasherairrushedoutofher.ShewassofuckingsensitiveandIhadhoped
toexploremoreofthatonNewYears.Butnotlikethis.Nothurt.Myhandpressedintoherribsgentlyat
first.Withnoreaction,Ipushedharder."Nothing?"Iasked,anglingmyheaduptolookather.

"No,"shesaidinabreathlesslittlevoicethatshotrighttomydickinacompletelyinappropriate

responsegiventheshitsituation.

"Okay,"Isaid,forcingmyhandtomoveandpullingthematerialbackdowntocoverher."Here,"I

added,movingoutofthebathroomforasecondandcomingbackwithoneofmyteesasecondlater.
"There'sbloodalloveryours,"Iaddedasshetookit.

Granted,Icouldhavegoneacrossthehallandgottenherherownclothes,butsomehowIwantedher

inmyshirtandshedidn'tobject."Takeyourtime,"IaddedasIwenttothehallandreachedtoclosethe
door."I'llberightback."

Withthat,Ishotoutintothehallandgrabbedthebags,droppingthemcarelesslyontothekitchenisland

thengoingbackacrossthehalltofindherdamncat.Ifoundthecarrierandbroughtitwithmethroughthe
apartmentuntilIfinallyfoundhimsittinginthecornerofherbedroomcloset.WhenIgotclose,heletout
ahissandstruckoutwithhislittlerazorbladesclaw."Likeitornot,scratchmetohellornot,yourassis
gettinginthiscarrier,"Itoldhim,snortingwhenheimmediatelyseemedtoshutup.Istowedhimaway,
grabbedtheobsessivelycleanlitterboxoutofthebathroom,andheadedbacktowardmyownapartment.

AndIfoundherinthekitcheninmytee,carefullyunpackingmybags.
"Youwerereallyplanningaspecialnight,huh?"sheasked,hertonesad.
"Stillam,"Isaid,puttingthecarrierandcatboxdownandopeningthedoor,watchingthelittleflat-

facedballoffurdartofftoexploreandhopinghewasn'tthetypetoscratchthingsalltohell.

"That's...nice,Ryan,"shesaid,shakingherhead,notabletokeepeye-contact."ButIcan'texpectyou

tokeepthatpromisenowthatyouknowI,ah..."shewavedahand,unabletosayiteven.

"Look,"Isaid,exhalinghard,notthetypetoreallysugarcoatshitandwantingtobestraightwithher.

Buttherewasanotherpartofmethatjustwantedtosayfuckallthatandtellhernottoworryaboutthat.
Forbetterorworse,thelogicalpartofmewonout."Idon'tfuckwithdrugs.Idon'tlikethem.Idon'tlike
whattheydotothepeoplewhousethemandhowthataffectsthepeoplearoundthem.It'snotmyscene.
Thatbeingsaid,I'mnotjudgingyoufordoingwhatyouneededtodotosurvive.Trustme,Ifuckingget
that.Itdoesn'tchangethefactthatIwanttodrinkchampagneandwatchsomestupidfuckingballdropin
TimesSquaretomorrownight."

Iswearyoucouldseethetensiondrainingfromher.Hershoulderslowered;herjawunclenched;she

stoppedfranticallytryingtoorganizethemessofbags.

"Okay?"Iaskedwhenshesaidnothing.

"Okay,"sheagreed,nothingmorethanasqueakofasound.
"Oncemoreandmakemebelieveyoubelieveit,"Isaid,smirkingasImovedtowardthekitchenand

startedputtingawaythefood.

"Ibelieveit,"shesaid,handingmethehummusIhadpickeduptogowitheitherthepita,vegetables,

orfourdifferentkindsofchipsIhadalsograbbed.Notbeingasnackperson,usuallytoobusytodoso
andjusteatingtwoorthreewholemealsaday,Ihadfuck-allideaofwhatIwasdoinginthatdamnfood
store.

"Ryan?"hersmallvoicemetmeafewminuteslaterasIbuncheduptheplasticbagsandshovedthem

intosomeplasticthingAnitastuckinsidemycabinetforcollectingthem,apurchaseIthoughtwasasinine
atthetime,butturnedouttobeprettypractical.

"Yeah?"Iasked,turningbacktofindherwatchingme.
"WhatamIsupposedtotellBry?"sheasked,genuinelysoundinglikesheneededananswertothat.
And,well,whenawomanwithabustedfacewhokissedyoulikeshefuckingmeantitdowntoher

soulwasworriedaboutsomething,yeah,youfuckinghandleditforher.

"Don'tworryaboutBry.I'llhandlehim."
"No,Ryan.That's..."
"I'mhandlingit,"Icutheroff."Nousearguingaboutit.You'vegottohaveakillerheadacheright

aboutnow,"Iadded,reachingintothecabinetbesidethesinkwhereIkeptabottleofaspirin."Here,take
acoupleoftheseandgolaydownwithanicepack,"Isaid,handingherthepillsandgoingforthe
icepack,wrappingitinpapertowelsandhandingthattoheraswell."Ineedtomakeacouplephonecalls
andthenIwillcheckonyou."

"Youdon'tneedto..."
"I'llcheckonyou,"Icutheroffagain,voicealittlefirmandshegavemeagratefulsmileandheaded

downtowardthebedrooms.

Ireachedformycellandwenttowardthehall,slippingintoherapartmentforprivacyandhittingthe

firstnumberthatcametome.

Theotherendpickedupandmyearwasassaultedwithmusicandawoman'slaughter."Yeah?"Mark's

voiceasked,stillhalf-laughingaboutsomethingthatIhadinterrupted.

Buttherewasnotimeforguilt.
"Gotaproblem,"IsaidandIcouldhearhimimmediatelymovingawayfromthenoiseuntiltherewas

nothing.

"What'sup?"heasked,toneserious.
"Remembermyneighborandtheguysshegotherselfwrappedupwith?"
Therewasashortpauseandaverytentative,"Yeah?"
"They'redrugdealersandsheheldthestash.Tonightshewasrobbedandbustedupand,well..."
"Thatshitain'tgonnafly,"hesuppliedforme.
Exactly.
"Yeah."
"GivemeanameforthedealerandIwilldosomedigging."
"Bry.That'sallshegaveme.They'vebeenfriendssincetheywerekids.It's30ssoIdon'tthinkyou

havetoworryaboutitbeingThirdStreet.They'remoreintotheircheapstreetshit.Whoisrunning
pharmaceuticalsaroundhereanymore?"

Itwasn'tsomethingIoftenhadaneedtoknow,tokeepuptodateon.Weallkeptaneyeandearonthe

biggerplayersintown-TheHenchmen,Hailstorm,theGrassis,RichardLyon,and...

"Oh,fuck.Tellmeit'snotfuckingLex,man,"Isaid,rakingahanddownmyface,mycallousedpalms

catchingonthestubblethere.

Markpaused."Ican'tsayforsure.Hehashishandsineverything,butIdoubthewouldhavehisshit

sittinginsomeapartmentwithnoprotection."

True.
"Here'shoping,"Iagreed.
"Howisshe?"Markaskedintothesilence.
Iexhaled."Holdingittogether.Lookslikehell.Butnothingseemsserious.She'sstayingwithmeuntil

shecanstomachherownplaceagain."

"Good,"hesaid,uncharacteristicallymissinganopportunitytoribme."So,I'massumingthatwhen

youfindoutwhotheseguyswere..."

"They'regoingtopay,"Iagreed,hangingup.
Thereweresomegoddamnbasicruleseverydecentpersonfollowedinlife-youtippedyourserving

staff,yougavemoneytothepeoplewithbellsatChristmas,youhelddoors,andyoufuckingneverput
yourhandsonawomaninanger.

Itwastimetheylearnedthatlessonthehardway.
AndIwasareallygoodfuckingteacher.

EIGHT

Dusty

IsitbadthatmyfirstthoughtwhentheychargedintomyapartmentandIknewexactlywhatIwasin

forwasworryingaboutwhatRyanwouldthinkwhenIsawhimthenextday?

Iwasprettysurethatwasnottherightthingformetobethinkingatthatparticularmoment-menIhad

nevermetorevenseenbeforescreamingatme,shovingme,demandingtoknowwherethepillswere.

Itwasn'tthatIhadn'tbeenscared.ButIfoundthatallmyyearsstressingoverinvisiblemonsters

somehowmadeiteasierformetofocusthroughthefearthanmaybemostwouldbeabletointhat
situation.

Sowhenthebiggerguyslammedhisfingersintomychest,makingmestumblebackandslamintomy

wall,knockingmylampoverintheprocess,Ihadsomehowbeenabletorealizethatgivingthemthat
informationwasn'tgoingtohelpme.

Someonewasgoingtohurtme.
ThequestionreallywaswouldIrathermybeatingcomefromtotalstrangers...oramanIhadknown

mywholelife?

Theanswerwassimple.
Iwasn'tsureIcouldhandlehavingBryhitme.
Iwasundernodelusions.Hewouldhavetohitme.Hewouldhavetomakeanexampleofme.Not

becausehewantedto.Notevenbecauseitwasmyfault.Butbecausethatwaswhatwasexpectedofhim.
Hewasn'tthebossinhislittleorganization.Hewasahighmid-levelguy.Hehadsomeonetoanswerto,
someonewhowouldwantmetocoughupsomebloodsoeveryoneelseknewthattheyhadtodoabetter
jobofprotectingthesupply.

Becauseifhedidn'tbeatme,hemightgethimselfkilled.
SoIpressedmylipstogetherandIdidn'ttellthem.
Unfortunately,theyapparentlyfoundthemanyway.
IwouldliketosaythathearingRyan,seeingRyan,hadgivenmeanoverwhelmingsenseofrelief.And

therewassomeofthat-hemadethebeatingstop.Hepreventedsomethingthatmighthavebeenworse.

Buthimwalkinginonthat,well,ittookwhateverimagehehadofmeandshatteredit.Iwasn'tjustthe

nice,shut-in,shyneighborheseemedatleastsomewhatinto.No,Iwassomelowlifewhogotherself
involvedwithfreakingdrugdealers.

Drugdealers.
God,Ihadsunksolow.
ThemeIhadbeenthreeyearsbefore,yeah,sheneverwouldhavebelievedsuchathingwaspossible.
Itwasamazingwhatacripplingmentaldisordercoulddo.Itwascrazythelengthsonewouldgototo

savetheirpride,tonothavetogroveltotheonlypersontheyhadintheworldtotakecareofthem.

Butthefactofthematterwas,wheneveryotherpersonIhadintheworldgaveuponme,Bryhadbeen

there.AndBryhadanidea.Hehadtoomuchofarecordtoeverbecaughtwithpillsonhim,especiallyat
alargeenoughscaletobeconsidereddistribution,soheofferedmea'job'sortof.Iheldtheproduct,he
gavemealittlecashtodoso,andthatwasthat.

Hismoneypaidabouthalfmyrent.
Theotherhalf,well,Ifoundawayonlinetomaketherestup.
See,theonecoolthingthathappenswhenyou'relockedupallthegoddamntimeandcan'tseeortalk

toorexperienceanythingoranyonenew,well...themindwanders.Youcreatethesehuge,epicideasin
yourmind.

Eventually,Ijuststartedwritingminedown.AndwhenIfiguredouthowto,Istartedsellingthem

online.Ihadamediocrelittlefollowingamongtheyoungadultparanormalcrowdandtheykeptmeoffthe
streetsandwithfoodinmypantry.Ihadtopinchpenniesandthereseemednoendinsightforholding
drugsforBry,butIgotby.

SothatwashowIbecameacriminal.
Ihadn'tgoneintoitwithrose-coloredglasses.Ididn'tthinkIwasuntouchable.Ialwaysknewthat

somedayitwouldcatchuptome.Though,Ithoughtitwouldbemorealongthelinesofjailtimethana
beatdownbutithadn'texactlyshockedmethatitcametothateither.

ButRyanwitnessingit?Ryansteppingin?RyancleaningupthemessIhadbeenmadeinto?
Yeah,thatwasnotsittingrightwithme.
Hisopinionmattered.
Andhewasnevergoingtolookatmethesame.
IheardhimwalkoutofhisapartmentasItookmyicepackandmademywaydownthehall.
Iwasn'tgoingtolie;everythinghurt.Howeverbaditlooked,anditlookedbad,itfeltabouttentimes

worse.

Isawanother,closed,doorinthehallandIfiguredthatmaybeitwasastudyorasecondbedroom.

Butnotfeelingcomfortableopeningcloseddoorsinsomeoneelse'splace,Iwentintotheopendoortohis
bedroomandclimbedintosheetsthatsmelledlikehim-ahintofspicefromhiscologneandaunfeminine
laundrydetergent.Igotin,pulledthecoversup,puttheicepackovermyfaceinawaythatitcoveredmy
eyeandswollenlip,andstarteddeepbreathing.

Ishouldhavebeenfreakingout.
Ishouldhavebeenbesidemyselfwithanxietyoverbeingoutofmyapartment,beinginhis,beingin

hisbed,inhisclothes,withnoneofmycomfortsaround.

Butthetruthofthematterwas,thesecondthosemenputtheirhandsonmystuff,theyruinedthe

comfortIattachedtothem.Somehow,leavingfeltlessstressfulthanstaying.

Iguessitwasaformofprogressinaway.
IheardthefrontdooropenandcloseandhisfeetmovingaroundforalongcoupleofminutesbeforeI

slowlydriftedofftosleep.Butitcouldn'thavebeenforlongbecausethenextthingIknew,thebedwas
shiftingbehindme,asensationunusualenoughtomakemejerkawakeintimetofeelhisbodyslidingin

behindmine.

"Justme,"Ryan'slow,smoothvoicesaidfromrightbehindmeasIfelthislegscockupbehindmine

andhisarmslidgentlyaroundmybelly,pullingmebackagainsthimslightly."How'sthepain?"

Whatpain?
Allthatmybraincouldfocusonwasthefactthatheclimbedintobedwithme,hedrapedhimself

aroundme,heduckedhisheadintomyneck,andaskedaboutmypain.

Hedidn'tshrinkawayfromme.Hewasn'trepulsedbymenowthatheknewthetruth.
"It'sfine,"Isaid,shruggingalittleashisarmgavemeasqueeze.
"YourcatclaimedtheTVcabinetashisbed,"heoffered,makingmefeelguiltyfornotcheckingon

himmyself.

"Iknowyou'renotacatfan.Ifyouwantmetobringhimbackacrossthehallsothat..."
"It'sfine,Dusty.Don'tworryabouthim."
"Idon'tknowhowtothankyoufortonight,"Iadmitted,hatinghowweakmyvoicesounded.
"Youhavenothingtothankmefor.I'dbeaprettyshittymanifIsawawomanbeingattackedanddidn't

stepin."

Thatwastrueenough.
"Butyouletmestayhere,"Iwenton,feelingmyheartflutterashisfingersstartedmoving

absentmindedlyacrossmybelly.

"You'realwayswelcomehere."
Therewasasinceritytherethatdidsomethingawfultomeinside-itgavemehope.
"I,ah,didn'tknowiftheotherroomwasaofficeorguestroom.Icouldmove..."
"Likeyouhere,"hesaid,soundingtired.
Thatwasthelastthinghesaidbecausenotmorethanafewminuteslater,hisarmwentheavyonmy

stomachandIknewhewasasleep.

I,however,didn'tsleepforalongtime.Thiswasmostlybecausemyminddecidedtotakethefactthat

he'likedhavingmethere'andrunwithituntil,ononehand,thingsendedwithmebacktowork,ina
happyrelationshipwithhim,andmostly-normal.Butthemorelikelywayitwouldprobablygetmyhopes
up,turntohell,andleavememorescrewedupthanbefore.

Andonthatlovelynote,Idriftedofftosleep.

IwokeuptoRockyjumpingupontomyhipandlettingoutaloud'meow'."Get,"Iwhined,whipping

offtheroomtemperatureicepackandglaringathimwithmygoodeye,somewhatrelievedtorealizethat
theotheronewasn'tcompletelyshutanymoreeither.Itwasn'topenpersay,butIhadaslitIcouldlookout
of.

Heletoutanothermeow,somehowwithmoreattitude,andIsighedandfoldedupward.Rockyjumped

upandrantowardthedoorwherehepausedasifwaitingforme."I'mcoming,"Itoldhim,butturnedto
makeaquickstopinthebathroomwhereIalreadyfoundawrappedtoothbrushwaitingforme.Grateful,I
brushedmyteeth,wipedoffwhatwasleftoftheantibioticcream,andmademywaybackouttowardthe
kitchen.

"Ididfeedhim.Butthestubbornfuckapparentlywon'teatunlessyou'rearound,"Ryaninformedme,

nothavingeventurnedawayfromwherehewasstandingatthestove,lookingfreshlyshoweredinatight
blackteeanddarkgray,thicksweatpants.

Asifagreeingtothatstatement,RockysaunteredovertowhereRyanhadsetuphisbowlsbesidethe

frontdoorandstartedeating.

"He'sfinicky,"Isupplied."Areyou...cooking?"Iasked,smellingheatingbutterinthepanbutnotquite

willingtoacceptthataguylikehimwascapableofmundanetaskslikecooking.Thatwaswhyhehadhis

housekeeper,wasn'tit?

Hisheadturnedoverhisshoulderwithanamusedsmirk,nodoubtpickingupontheincredulousnessin

mytone."Omelettes,"hesupplied."Istoletheeggsfromyourapartment.Andthecheese.Andorange
juice.ApparentlyAnitahasn'thitthegrocerystorerecently."

God,couldhepossiblygetanybetter?
Seriously.
"Alright,soIneed,"hestarted,toneslightlymoreserious,turningtomeashewhiskedeggs,leaning

backagainstthecounter.

Buthewascutoffbythesoundoftwoloudrapsonhisdoorbeforeitsuddenlyflewopen,makingme

stumblebackastep,myheartflyingintomythroatbeforeIsawwhocamewalkingin.

Oneofhisbrothers.
Really,therewasnomistakingthem.Theyallhadthesameperfectbonestructure,darkhair,andlight

eyes.Theywerealltallthoughtheirshapesvaried.Ryanwastallandleanaswasoneoftheother
brotherswhoIhadseenvisiting.Anotherwasagiantwallofmuscle.Thisonewassomethinginbetween.
HewasalittlemorebroadthanRyan,butnothugelymuscular.

Andhehadstoppeddeadthreefeetintheroom,frozencompletelyinplace.
Whathadhimfrozenyoumightask?
Me,apparently.
Becausehehadbeensmilingslightlywhenhechargedin.Butinablink,thesecondhisgazelandedon

me,thesmilefell,hestoppedwalking,andadarknessseemedtocomeoverhiseyes.

"Eli,"Ryan'svoicesaid,low,deeper,almostlikeawarning.Butawarningagainstwhat?
Eliunfrozeatthat,reachingintohispocket,buthiseyeswerestillpinnedonme.Hebroughtouthis

cell,holdingitup,andIheardtheunmistakableshutterofhiscamera,makingmejumpback,mygaze
goingtoRyan.

"Backoff,Eli,"Ryangrowled,louder,droppingthebowlofeggsdownwithaclinkandswitchingoff

theburner.Thenhemovedtostandsomewhatbetweenmeandhisbrother.

"Justincase,"Elisaid,flashingthepictureathisbrother,makingmewinceatseeingtheevidenceof

mybeatingsoplainly.Thenheshutthephonedown,slippeditbackintohispocket,andlookedpasthis
brotheratme.Andjustlikethat,whateverhadovertakenhimamomentagoslippedaway,leavinghim
withsofteyesandanapologeticsmile.

"It'sokay,"Ioffered,swallowinghard."Iknowthisisabit...ah,startling,"Ioffered,motioningtomy

face.

"Thinkthewordyouweregoingfortherewas'gorgeous',"hesaid,easilyskirtingthetopicofmyface

andsavingmyvanity."I'mEli,"hesaid,givingmeasmile."Sincemybrotherherehascompletely
forgottenhismanners.Don'tworry,"headded,movinginsothathewasnexttome,leaninghishead
towardmelikehewassharingasecret,"Iwillbeinformingourmotheraboutnotintroducingus.She'll
straightenhimout."

Ismiledatthat,barelynoticingthewaydoingsomademyeyeandcheeksandliphurt."I'mDusty,"I

supplied.

"Dusty.Pleasureismine.Andlook,Imadeitjustintimeforbreakfast!"hedeclared."Twobottlesof

champagne,"henoticed,lookingoveratRyan'sliquorcabinet."Wellyouwon'tbeneedingtwoofthose
later.Mimosas?"

AndthatwaswhenIprettymuchdecidedthatIneededEliMallickinmylife.Inafriendlycapacity.
RyangavemealookIcouldn'treadthenwentbacktotheeggs,switchingonthestove,thenchopping

upveggiestoputinside.

"'Sup,youflat-facedfreak,"Elisaid,snappingmyattentionbackfromwhereIhadbeenstaringat

Ryan'sbacktofindElistandingattheislandpouringorangejuiceintoflutes...withRockyrubbingup

againsthisarm.Rubbingagainsthim.

"Hehatesmen,"Iblurtedout,mouthparted."Halfthetimehehatesme,"Iaddedonaheadshake.
"Now,see,ifIweren'tinmixedcompanyrightnow..."Elistartedwithawickedsmile,"Iwouldmake

acommentoftherisquénature."

Isnortedatthat,knowingexactlywhatkindofcommentthatwouldbe.
"So,Dusty,"ElisaidasRyanstartedfillingthepanwithegg."Whatdoyoudo?"hefinished,handing

meamimosa.

Istartedforasecond,feelingcaughtbeforemybrainstartedworkingandIrememberedIdidhavean

answerforthat."Iwrite."

Ryan'sheadswungoverhisshoulder,hisbrowsdrawingtogether,hiseyesquestioning.Anditwas

thenthatIrealizedthatwhileIhadgottenclosertohimthanIhadanyoneelseinyears,whilehesavedme
twiceandpatchedmeupandkissedmeandsleptwithme(theG-ratedmeaningofthatphrase),wewere
stillvirtualstrangerstoeachother.

"Icanread,"Elisaidwithasmirk,makingmesmileagain."Whatdoyouwrite?"
"Teenparanormal."
"Vampiresandwitcheswhoareallangstyandhavelovetriangles?"
"Soyou'vereadmywork,"Ilaughedashetoastedmyglass.
ThenweallateomelettesanddrankmimosaswhileEliheldupmostoftheconversationwithalittle

helpfrommebecauseRyanwassuddenlyquieterthanusual.

Anditwaseasy.
ItwaslikeIwasn'thorriblyoutofpractice.
MaybetheeaseofitcouldbeattributedtoEliandhislaid-backkindofconversationalskills,butno

matterwhatthereasonwas,Iwashavingbreakfastwithtwomenwhoweren'tmyuncleorBryandI
wasn'tfeelinglikeanawkward,anxiety-riddenmess.

Toprogress.
ThatwaswhatRyanhadtoastedmetoinmyapartmentonChristmas.
Itwasalmostlikeitwassomekindofpremonition.
Icouldn'thopeformagiccures.
Icouldn'thopeformiracles.
ButIdamnsurecouldhopeforprogress.

NINE

Ryan

Eliwashardtopredict.
LikeHunter,Elihadneverbeentrulycutoutforthefamilybusiness.Hewasalwaysalittlesofter,

calmer,moreartistic.Hewasn'ttheonestartingshitontheplaygroundlikeShaneorMark.Hewasn'tthe
firsttojumpinwhenabigbrawlbrokeoutinhighschool.Hewasn'tsomeoneforwhomviolencecame
easily.

Butviolencewasinstilledinusfromayoungage.
Assuch,becauseitwasn'tnaturaltohim,wasn'tsomethingthatwasapartofhim,thathecouldlearn

tocontrolslowlythroughlowerlevelsofit,hisangerwasmuchmoreexplosivethananyIhadeverseen.

SowhenitcameupforEli,itcameupinawild,unstoppablewave.Hehadhistriggerssometimes,

likewalkingintomyapartmentandseeingDustyallbustedup.But,justasoften,hecouldjustflipiton
whentheneedcame.

Thatwaswhyhewasour'lastresort'withdifficultclients.Whentheydidn'tcoughupmoneywithmy

firmsuggestionsorMark'swarningorShane'sfiercebeating,well,thatwaswhenPopscalledonEli.
Usually,hecouldn'tgoalone.Becausemostofthetime,heneededtobepulledoffbeforehekilled
someone.

Butitwentofflikeaswitch.
Hewalkedin,sawDusty,startedtofreak,tookapictureincaseheeverneededtoshowacopwhyhe

wasbeatingamanhalftodeathforwhathedidtoher,thenshutitrightbackoff.

AndDustyrespondedtohim.
While,likeme,hehadneverbeentheslutthatShaneandMarkhadbeen,hedefinitelyhadacharmthat

mostwomenreactedto.Hepaidattentiontothesmallthingsandcouldalwaysseemtokeepthingsfrom
gettingtooawkward.That,forDusty,washuge.Iftheconversationslumpedforevenasecond,youcould
visiblyseehertensingup,watchashereyeswentslightlypanicked,likeshewastryingtothinkofaway
tokeepthingslightandeasy,tonotshowthatshewasn'tthebestatsocialsituations.

Partofmewasthankfultohimtoeaseherintobeingcomfortablewithsomeoneotherthanheruncle

andmeandtheBryfuck.

Theotherpartwasirrationallyjealousofhowtheyconnected,howhemanagedtogetthingsoutofher

thatIhadn'teventhoughttoyet.Forfuck'ssake,Ididn'tevenknowshewroteforaliving.Holdingdrugs
forherfriendwasapparentlyjusttosupplementherincome.

Heranxietymighthaverippedherlifefromher,butshefoundawaytoliveotherones,tohave

adventuresandconnectwithpeople.

Afterbreakfast,Elisplit,havinghisownplansforNewYearsEvethatputhimwithMarkandwould

likelyinvolvetoomuchalcoholandsomeonetokiss(andmore)atmidnight.Dustyinsistedoncleaning
andprovedherselfprettydamnstubbornintheprocess,soIansweredafewemailsinthelivingroom.

WhichwashowIheardhimwhenshedidn'twiththewaterrunninginthesink.
Bry.
Iheardtheknockandwasonmyfeetinablink.
"Berightback,"Icalled."Needtotakeaworkcall,"Iadded,wavingmyphoneasshegavemea

smileandturnedbacktothedishes.

Iwalkedintothehall,closingthedoorwithaquietclickjustasBrypulledthedooropentoDusty's

apartmentandsteppedinthedoorway.Hisentirebodyfrozeassoonashedid,hisshoulderssquaring,his
handontheknobgrippinghard.

Sohedidn'thearmeasIsteppedacrossthehall.Buthesureasfuckfeltitwhenmyhandspreadwide

andlandedinthecenterofhisback,shovinghimforwardhardandmakinghimstumbleintothewrecked
apartment.

"Thefuck..."hegrowled,whippingaroundasIsteppedinsideandclosedthedoor,leaningagainstit.

"Mallick?"heasked,stiffening.Then,maybetheonlythinghecoulddotoredeemhimself,helooked
aroundslowly."Whathappened?WhereisDusty?Sheokay?"

"Youknow,generally,whenyoucareaboutawoman,youdon'tputherinapositionwhereshegetsher

apartmentbrokeninto,trashed,andgetsabeatingnowomanshouldeverfuckingbesubjectedto."

"Wherethefuckisshe?"hedemanded,voicearoughgrowlfrombetweenhisclenchedteeth.Hetook

afewthreateningstepstowardmebutstoppedbeforeitbecametoomuchofachallenge."Isshealright?"

"She'snotfuckinggreatwithherswollenshuteyeandherbruisesandbustedlipand..."
"Fuck,"hecutmeoffonaloudgrowl,reachingouttograbwhatwasclosesttohim,abookonthe

backofhercouch,andthrowingitacrosstheroomwhereitsmashedintothewallandclatteredtothe
floor."Didshehavetogotothehospital?She'sprobablyfuckingfreakingthefuck..."

"She'snotatthehospital,"Icuthimoff.
Sohedidgiveashitabouther.Ididn'tgettoseethemtogethermuch,justhisimpatientslammingon

herdoorondrop-offorpick-updays.Itdidn'tgivemethebestimageofthebastard.Thatandthefactthat
hewouldinvolveherinhisillegaldealingsdidn'texactlyshedhiminthebestlight.

Butjudgingbythewayhefrozeaboutthewreckedapartment,thathisimmediatequestionsinvolved

Dusty'swellbeingandnot,say,thestatusofhisstash,well,itsaidsomethingabouthim.

"Thenwhereisshe?Iwanttoseeher."
"Why?"Iasked,crossingmyarmsovermychest.
"Becauseshe'smyfuckingfriend.Becauseshegotbeatupandshe'snotinherapartment.The

apartment,Imightadd,thatshehasn'tleftinyears."

"She'satmyplace,"Isupplied,myvoiceempty.
"Whythefuckwouldshebeatyourplace,man?Shedoesn'tevenknowyou.Shesureasfuckdoesn't

knowwhatyou'reinvolvedin."

"Sheknowswhatyou'reinvolvedinandsheseemsalrightwiththat.Asfortheotherpoint,shedoes

knowme.BoughtmeaChristmaspresentandeverything."

Helookedtakenabackatthat,hismouthfallingopen,twolinesformingbetweenhisbrows."She's

nevermentionedyou."

IfIwasn'twrong,andIrarelywas,hehadathingforher.Notjusta'she'smysafehouseformydrugs

andIwantheralive'thingorevena'wegrewuptogether'thing,butanactualthing.Hewantedher.That
waswhyhehadtouchedherwhenhecamein.And,knowingherasheseemedto,hemusthave
understoodherrecoilfromhim.

Fuckingunrequitedloveshit.
Ialmostfeltbadforthefuck.
Almost.
Butthewomanhesupposedlylovedwasinmygoddamnapartmentwithherfacefuckedupbecauseof

asituationheputherin.

"Yeah,well,I'manewdevelopmentinherlife."
Hisfacegenuinelyfellatthatinformation,takingitthewayImeantforhimtotakeiteventhoughme

andDusty,asathing,werestillintheverybeginningstage."YoumeanwhatIthinkyoumean?"

"Probably.Andseeingthatisn'tevenagoddamnlittlebitanyofyourbusiness,we'llmoveonfromit.

Whodoyouworkfor?"

Thetensioncamebackatthatashischinangledup."Don'tthinkthatisevenagoddamnlittlebitof

yourbusinesseither,"hethrewmywordsbackatme.

Well,ifhedidn'twanttodoittheeasyway...
Idroppedmyarmsandclosedthefewfeetbetweenus,handcurlingaroundhisthroatandslamming

himbackagainstthewall,hisfaceinalmostthesamepositiontheguywhobeatDusty'swas,thedeep
red,almostblackdriedbloodonthewallevidentofthatfact.

"It'smymotherfuckingbusinesswhenawomanIcareabouthasherfacesmashedupbecauseofthe

drugsyougotherfuckinginvolvedin.AndbecauseIknowalltheplayersinthistown,Iknowyou'rejust
somelackeyforsomebiggerbad.Socutthemotherfuckingbullshitandgivemesomegoddamnanswers
orIcanshowyouexactlyhowtheMallickfamilygottheirreputationinthistown."

Myvoicehadbeenlowandsavage,angerusuallybeingacoolthinginsideme,coldenoughtofreeze

youover.

And,ifheknewmyfamily,hedamnsureknewmythreatwasn'tanemptyone.
Myhandeasedonhisthroatandhesuckedinabreathbeforespeaking."YouknowIcan'tgivehim

up."

"Likefuckyoucan't,"Isnapped,impatient.Iwasn'tentirelysurethatDustywouldn'tstartlookingfor

meatsomepoint.Ididn'thaveallgoddamndaytogettheinformationoutofhim."Andyoudon'texactly
haveachoice,Bry."

"Theproductisgone,right?"heaskedfinallyasmyhandreleasedhimandItookonesmallstepback.
"Andyou'reouttengrand.Howthefuckareyougoingtoexplainthattoyourboss?Istellingmewho

heisreallytheworstfuckingthingyoucandotoday?"

"Youdon'tunderstand,"hesaid,shakinghishead,slidingtothesideandmovingtowardthekitchen

wherehereachedaboveDusty'sstoveandgrabbedaglassthenwenttoherfreezerandpulledoutvodka
shekeptthere.

So,heraversiontohimtouchingheraside,theywereclose.Heknewwherethecupsandthebooze

wereandfeltcomfortablehelpinghimself.SuddenlyIwonderedifmaybethetwohadbeenmorethan
friendsatsomepoint.Itwouldexplainhisthingforherandthefactthathehadstuckbyherevenwhen
everyonebutheruncleseemedtogiveuponher.

"Thenhelpmeto,"Isuggested,watchingashepouredthreefingersworthofvodkaandtookitinone

gulp.

Ifitwasathreefingersofvodkainonethrowkindofissue,thenitwasseriousshit.Ifeltmyself

stiffening,wonderingwhothefuckshecouldhavepossiblybeenwrappedupwith.

"Idon'tworkforLexifthat'swhatyou'reasking,"hesaid,meaningthemostvicioussonofabitchinall

ofNavesinkBankwhowaswelloverdueforaseriouslylong,drawnout,torturousdeath.Lexdughis
handsintoalittlebitofeverythinginourtownandtookcutsfromsomeofthesmaller-timeoperations,
keepingthemunderhisthumb,notallowinganyoneelsetoriseupintheranksandtakehimout.

"Iknowyou'renotworkingforLyonsinceallhedoesisstockbrokerdrugs.Don'ttellmethisisas

fuckinglowdownasThirdStreet."

Hesnortedatthat,almostlikehewasinsulted."No."
"Thenwho?Becausethat'sallthedealersinthisarea."
Hisheadcockedtothesideatthat."Exactly."
Iexhaledhard,lookingupattheceilingforalongsecond.HewasdealinginNavesinkBankfor

someonewhowasn'tsupposedtobeoperatinginthetown?ThatwasthekindofclusterfuckIdidn'twant
tobeanywherefuckingnear.BecausenotonlydiditmeanyouhadaproblemwithBry'sbossand
whoeverthefuckstolefromhim,butitalsomeantthatifLexorLyonorThirdStreetgotwindofit,you
wereintheircrosshairsaswell.

Thatwasnotaplaceanyonewantedtobe.
Myfamilyhadalwaysworkedtostayoutofeveryoneelse'sbusinessintown.Wewereonfriendly

termswithTheHenchmen,Hailstorm,theGrassis,andthefreelancerslikeBreakerandShooter.We
activelyavoidedanycontactwithLexKeith.AndwehadnoreasontohaveanycommunicationwithLyon
orThirdStreet.

Itwasasurvivalmechanismtobeneutralevenifyoudidn'tagreewithwhatotheroperationswere

doing.Popshadagoodreputationallhislifeand,asweagedup,wealladdedtoit.Buthisoperation
wasn'thuge.Wedidn'thavealotofpeopleoutsideofmeandmybrothers.Wewouldneversurvivesome
undergroundwar.Weknewthatsowedidn'tstickournosesinbusinessthatwasn'tourown.

Therewasanexceptionhereorthere.
Namely,theshitthatwentdownwithShaneandLea.
ButthatwasanexceptionbecauseLeawasShane'sandwhateverdemonsshehadafterherwere

Shane'sproblemaswell.Sohedealtwiththemandbecausefamilywasfamilywasfamily(nomatter
howharebrainedtheschemeattimes)wehelped.

ThesamerulewouldapplyifDustywasmine,right?
Onlyproblembeing,wehadn'tagreedtothat.Wehadbarelytalkedmuchatall.Apartofmewas

worriedaboutpushing,aboutputtingexpectationsonherthatmightstressherout.Buttobehonest,Isaw
itgoingsomewhere.Eventhoughitwasnew.EventhoughIdidn'tknoweverythingabouther,Iwasseeing
itheadingsomewhereserious.Eventually.Atherpace.

So,forthetimebeing,shewasn'ttechnicallymine.
ButIdidn'tseethatbeingaproblemeither.
Iwasn'tashitstarter.Inevergotinvolvedinshitthatwasn'tgoodformyfamily.AndIwouldn'tbe

doingitnowifitweren'tforgoodreason.

"Where?"Iaskedashepouredhimselfanothershot.
Hesighed,shakinghisheadashelookedoffoutDusty'spicturewindowforalongsecondbeforehis

eyesfoundmineagain."Camden."

"Ohforfuck'ssake,"Igrowled.
Camden?FuckingCamden?TheplaceratedthemostdangerousgoddamncityinAmericaforyears

running?Withacrimeratesixtimesthenationalaverage?Great.Fuckingfantastic.JustwhatIneeded.

Iexhaledhard,holdingontohope."Five-hundredpillsisn'tahugestash."Itwasenormousforour

town,butasawhole,thatwasasmallchunkofthetrade.

"NotifyoufactorinthatI'moneoffiftyguysdoingthisshit."

Fifty.
Ifeachguyhadthesamefivehundredpillstash,thatmeantthatthereweretwenty-fivethousandpills

andoverhalfamilliondollarsintheoperation.Andthatwasonlypergoddamnshipmentand
distribution.Ihadnoideahowoftentheygotpillsin,butevenifitwasjustonceamonthatthatrate,that
wasabigdeal.

Bry'sboss,whoeverthefuckhewas,wasnotsomeoneIhadanybusinessfuckingwith.
Ireachedup,scrapingahanddownmyscratchystubbleonasigh.
"Soyougetmehere,"Brysaid,nodding.
"Getmeafuckingglass,"Igrowled,brainracing.
Brysnortedandturnedbacktodothat,pouringmeaheavyshotandIthrewitback.
"Alright,"Isaid,wincingattheburn."Tengrand.I'llmakegoodonthat,"Idecided,seeingitasthe

onlywayoutoftheshitsituation.

BrywasshakinghisheadbeforeIwasevendone."Hehascontactsallaroundtokeepaneyeon

things.Ifpeoplestartbitchingthattheycan'tfind30saroundhereallasudden,onamotherfuckingparty
night,thenthereisgoingtobesomequestions.They'dbethekindthatcomewithalotofbleedingonmy
part."Hepaused,lookingdownathisfeet."LiketosayI'mstrongenoughtokeepmymouthshut,buthe's
asickfuckandIcan'tmakethatpromiseandDusty..."

Dustycouldpayforhisfuckingconnections.
"Alright,whothefuckknowsaboutyou?"Iasked,hopingthatifhewasstupidenoughtogetconnected

withsomedealerinCamdenthathewasatleastsmartenoughtokeephislessthanlegalactivitiesto
himself.

"Asidefromliterallyevery-fucking-oneIdealto?"heasked,makingagoodpoint.
Addictswereadesperatesort.IftheysawthatBryalwayshadalargesupplyofdrugsonhimand

followedhimevencasually,theywouldfindthatourapartmentbuildingwasaconstantstopofhis.

AndDusty,wellshecouldn'thavebeenaneasiertarget,couldshe?
"YouloveDusty,don'tyou?"Iasked,makinghimjerkguiltily.
"She'sbeenmybestfriendsincewewerekids,"hehedged.
"Howthefuckcouldyouleavehersounprotected?"Iasked,angeroutofmyvoice,justadeepkindof

sadnessthereinstead.Whenyoulovedsomeone,youwatchedoutforthem.Evenifyouwereinvolved
withdarkshit,likemeandmyfamily,youmadesurethatnevertouchedyourwomenorkids.

Bryshookhisheadagain,lookingdownathisemptyglass."She'ssofuckingstubborn,man,"hesaid

andIalmostwantedtosmile.Ididgetapeekofthatoverthedishes,butitwashardtoimagineherbeing
sostubbornthatyoucouldn'tforceasecuritysystemoraguardoranastylookingdogonherifyou
neededitforhersafety."Ineverwantedherinvolvedinthefirstplace.Shewasnevermeanttotouchthis
shit."

Well,thatwasthedamntruth.AndIhadtogivehimatleastalittlebitofbegrudgingrespectfor

knowingthat.

"Thenwhyisshe?"
"Iseethatit'seasytojudgefromtheoutside,man.Butyouweren'theretowatchhercrumble.You

didn'tseethepanicattacksandthewayshestartedshuttingherselfoff.Youdidn'thavetostandbyand
watcheverypersoninherlifebutmeandherunclegiveuponher.Herownmothersaidshewasa
goddamnoverreacterandrefusestocomehere.SaysifDustywantstoseeher,shehastocomeoutto
lunchsomewhere.Don'tlikecallingwomenbitches,butshe'sabitch,"headded,lookingupatme."She
hadtoquitherjob.Shehadtomoveoutofheroldapartment.Sheonlyhadsomuchcash.Iknewshewas
almostthroughitallandIstupidlytalkedaboutneedingasafeplacetokeepmysupply.Itfuckingspiraled
fromthere.Imean,Icouldhavejustgottenalockersomewhere,y'know?Butshewassodesperateand
shewouldn'ttake'handouts'."

Sohedidn'tactuallyneedtopayher...whateverthehellhepaidhertoholdthestuff.Hewasjust,in

histwistedsortofway,beingagoodguy.

"Alright,"Isaid,decidingtocheckmyaccusations,agreeingthatIhadn'tbeenthere;Ididn'tknow

whattheyhadgonethroughasfriends;Ihadnoideahowitfelttositbyandwatchsomeoneyoulovelose
theirlifebecauseofsomeinvisiblemonsterinsideofthem.IimaginedIwouldhavedonewhateverI
neededtohelphertoo.AndBrydidn'thavetheadvantagesIdid.Hedidwhathecould.Itwasuselessto
ragonhimaboutit."Let'strytonarrowthisthefuckdownbeforeitallblowsupinourfaces."

Henoddedatthat,agreeing."Whatdidtheylooklike?"
"Twoguys.Bothwereaverageheight,maybefive-ten.Wide,butnotfat.Stocky.Darkhair,darkeyes.

Thirties,butearlyormid.Nottrainedfighters.Itwaspurestreet.Goeswithoutsayingthey'rethekindof
scumwhowouldputtheirhandsonwomen."

"Unfortunately,thatlittlepartdoesn'treallycutitdownmuch,doesit?"heasked,provingagainhewas

decent.Whatthehellhadhappenedinhislifetoleadhimintodrugdealing?"Scars?Tattoos?Accents?"

Isquintedalittle,tryingtothinkback,tryingtoworkthroughtheredmyvisionhadbeencloudedinat

themoment."Theonewhohurther,hehadascarthroughhiseyebrow,completelycutitintotwoparts.
Theotherone,Ididn'tgetthatclosealookathim.Buttheonewiththeeyebrowscar,hisfaceis
resemblingmincemeatrightaboutnow."

Hiseyeswenttomineandheldforaminute,searchingforsomething.Hemusthavefoundittoo

becausehislipswentintoafirmline,hiseyeswentmoreguarded,andhegavemeasmallnod.

Accepting,maybe,thatDustywasmine.
"Icanworkwiththat,"hesaid,nodding.
"Youdon'thavemuchtime,"Iwarned.Iftheyhadthatbigastash,theywouldbetryingtomoveit,get

thecash.Butifhecouldrecoverthebulkofthepills,thingswouldn'tgotoshit.

"Iwon'tneedit,"hesaidwithasortoffiercenessIadmiredinsomeone,regardlessoftheir

profession.

"Good,"Isaidwithanod."Ifyouneedanymotivation,"Iadded,reachingformyphoneandopening

thetextElihadsentnotonlytomebutmyentiregoddamnfamilyinhisattempttoshowthatweallhadto
beinonhersituation,Iguess,andholdingoutthepictureofDusty.

Bry'sfacefellashereachedforthephone,holdingitandlookingdownatherforalonggoddamntime

beforehandingitbackandlettinghisgazemeetmine.WhatdidIfindthere?Fuckingrage.Andthekindof
determinationthatsaidhewouldfindthefuckswhodidit,nomatterwhatittook.Nottosavehisown
skin,butaspayback.

"Justsowe'reclear,Iwanttoknowwhotheyare,"Iadded,slippingmyphoneaway.
"Yeah,"Brysaid,pullingouthisowncellandtyping,askingformynumberthenhavingmeaddit

underthecontactnamed"Eddie'sPizza".

"Besmart,"Iaddedashetuckedhisphoneaway."Don'tgiveyourbossanyreasontolookcloser

becauseyou'rebeingafuckinglunatic."

Henodded,movingpastmebutnotgoingtothedoor,goingdownthehallinherapartmentinstead,

makingmybrowsdrawtogetherasIheardsomeslamminginthebathroom.

"Yougotatub?"heaskedoddly,hisvoicecarrying.
"Ah...yeah,"Isaid,evenmorecuriousastherewasanotherslamandthenhewalkedoutwithagreen

andwhitepaisleydecorativeboxinhishands.Hereachedinsidehispocketandpulledoutasmall
Christmas-wrappedpackageandslippeditinsidetheboxtoobeforehandingthewholeofitovertome.
"What'sthis?"Iasked,pullingoffthelidandseeingatonoflittleroundballsfilledwithwhatlookedlike
herbsanddriedflowers.

"Bathbombs,"hesupplied,shrugging."Shegetsstressedout,sheneedsabath.Sometimesfivetimesa

dayonabadday.Shelikesthesethings.Andyou'regoingtowanttogetherhercomputeroveratyour

placeifshe'snotcomingbackhere."

"Why?"Iasked,puttingthetopbackonthebox,knowingthatthelittlepackagehegotherwasmoreof

herbombthings,pointingagaintohowwellheknewher.Anotherlittleinexplicablesurgeofenvy
coursedthroughmeandIactuallyhadtoremindmyselfthatIwouldknowherthatwelleventually.

Andbetter.
AtleastIhoped.
"Shehasappointmentswithhershrinkforone,"hesaid,noddingtothecomputerinthecorner."Video

chats.Though,Iimagineshewillbecancellinguntilherfaceissomewhatbetter.And,ontopofthat,she
needstobeabletowriteandordertheshitsheneeds.Since,youknow,shecan'tleave."

"Right,"Iagreed,noddingslightly.
"She'safraidtocomeback,isn'tshe?"heasked,motioningaround.
"Ithinkso,"Isaid,notentirelysure.
"It'salltainted.Thisstuff,it'sherstuff.Itwasallperfectandhowsheneededit.Nowit'sallfucked.

Whenthisshitblowsover,I'llmakeituptoherandpaytoredoeverylastgoddamndecorativething,"he
saidwithfierceness,wantingtomakeitrightsobadly.

Ibitmytonguetokeepmyselffromsayingthatwhenitblewover,Iwashopingshewouldbewithme

inamorepermanentway.Becausethatshitwasnuts.

Hemovedtowalktowardthedoor,hadhishandontheknob,butthenturnedbacktome."Mallick,"he

said,headtiltedtotheside."Loanshark."

"Enforcer,"Isaid,shrugging.Technically,myfatherwastheactualloanshark.
"Shedeservesbetter,"hesaid,andIknewhemeantbetterthanbothofus,sincehewantedhertoo.
"Mydirtwillnevertouchher,"Isaidwithsomuchconviction,itwaspracticallyavow.
"Betternot.'Causelikeitornot,I'mapartofherlifeandifIgetevenaninklingthatyouaren'ttreating

herright,youandme...we'regoingtohaveaproblem."

Inoddedatthat,respectingthatstancemorethanhewouldknow."Understood,"Isaidwithanod.
Hewenttoturnaway,butthenturnedbackagain."Don'tpushher,"headdedand,onthat,wasgone.
Ilookedatthecloseddoorforalongminute,hearingtheelevatordingandknowinghewasgone.
Don'tpushher.
Igotthat.
Mostly,Iunderstoodthat.
ButIdidn'treallyagreewithiteither.
Icouldn'tpretendtounderstandwhatDustywasgoingthroughandwhatBryhaddealtwithatherside

overtheyears,butIdidknowthatsimplyacceptingtheconditionasitwasdidn'thelp.Youdidn'tneedto
push,butyouneededtoencouragechange.

Ifhehadstoodbesidehereveryday,bringingherwhateversheneededandnevertryingtohelpher

comebackoutofhershell,herapartment,herlittlepersonalprison,thenhehad,inaway,donemore
harmthangood.

Ididn'twanttopushher.
ButIwantedtoseeherprogress.
Notforme.NotbecauseIwantedtobringherwithmeeverywhereIwentorthatIwouldn'tbecontent

withseeingheratmyplacewhenIcamehome.

Butforher.Becauseshedeservedtohavealifethatdidn'tmakeherfeellikeshewasconstantly

trapped,likeshewassurroundedbywolvesthatwouldconsumeherifshetriedtostepevenafoot
outsideofhercomfortzone.

See,thefunnythingaboutcomfortzoneswas,sometimesitwasagun.Sometimesitwasakeepsake.

Sometimesitwasanentireapartment.Butsometimes,ohsometimes,itcouldbeaperson.

AndIwasgoingtotrylikehelltoprovetoherthatIcouldbethatforher,thatIwouldalwaysbea

safeplacetoland,thatIcouldtakeherhandandleadheroutandshowherthatthosemotherfucking
wolvescowereddownbeforemeandtheycouldneverhurtheragain.

Maybeitwastoosoonforthat.
Maybeitwasirrationaltowanttobethatforsomeoneyoubarelyknew.
Maybeshedidn'tevenwantmetobethatforher.
Butregardlessofallthat,Iwasgoingtofuckingtry.

TEN

Dusty

Ittookhimforevertomakehisphonecallwhich,well,wasnoneofmybusiness.SoIfinishedupthe

dishesandputawaytheuncutveggiesRyanhadleftoutandIwentbackintothebedroomtomakethe
bed.

Ryan'shousekeeperranatightship.EvenwithmyslightlyOCDneedforthingstobeintherightorder

andclean,IfoundthatafterIfixedthethingsRyan,Eli,andIhadmussedupthatmorning,therewas
literallynothinglefttodo.

So,ataloss,havingnoneofmyusualcomfortstokeepmebusy,Ifoundanotepadinthekitchen

drawerthatRyanandAnitausedtoleavemessagesbackandforthjudgingbythesixpagesofsaid
messagesaskingAnitatobuylemonsandproteinpowderorAnitatellingRyanthatsheusedthecardhe
gavehertobuycleaningsuppliesandgroceriesandthatthereceiptwasinthedrawer.

Afterfindingmyselflookingathisscribbly,slantedhandwritingforfarlongerthanIcaredtoadmit,I

tookapenandthenotepadovertothecouchandsatdowntodoalittlewriting.

Ihadn'treallyevenheardhimcomein,findingthathemovedaroundquietlywhenhewasn'tinwork

shoeswhichIfoundinterestingbecauseliterallyeveryothermanIhadevermetinmylifeseemedtodo
everythingwithheavyfootsteps-stompingtothebathroominthemiddleofthenight,slammingcabinetsin
thekitchen,yawningliketheywerebeingpaidtoreallymakeitbelievable.

Butthenthecouchbesidemedepressedashedroppeddown,makingmycushionjumpslightlyandmy

heartflyupintomythroat,stillnotusedtohavinganyonearound.

IlookedoverandwatchedasRyan'ssomewhattenseexpressionsofteneduntiltherewasasmallsmile

there.Hereachedouttowardme,histhumbpressingintomycheekandrubbing."Ink,"heexplained,
pullinghisfingerawayandshowingmetheblue.

WhenIwasthinking,Ihadahabitoftappingapenagainstmycheekimpatiently.
"Thanks,"Ioffered,closingthepadsothatthenotesfromhimandhishousekeeperhidmywords,

alwayshavingbeenshyaboutmineuntiltheywereafinishedprojectandIunleashedthemtothemasses.

"SoIgotacouplethingsfromyourplace,"hesaid,noddinghischinovertowardthekitchen,making

mygazefollow,shockingmewhenIrealizedtheentireislandwasactuallycovered.Sohewasn'tjust
quiet,hewasprettymuchaninja."Foundyourlaptopandchargersincethecomputerwastoomuchofa
project,somebathstuff,someclothes,andafewofthebooksthatseemedtobeinanunreadpile."

Ittotallywasanunreadpilewithastackofbookmarksontop,oneforeachbook.
"Thankyou,"Isaidagain,givinghimanothergratefulsmile.Good.Hewastoodamngood.
"IranintoBry,"hesaidjustasIstoodupandstartedtowardthepile,makingmewhirlbackaround,

mouthparted,eyesbugging.

"What?"Ihissed,myheartslammingagain,butnotinasurprisedway,inaveryanxiousway.
RyanandBry?
No.
Bad,badcombination.
"Dusty,breathe,"hesuggested,tonealmostannoyinglycalmwhileIwasrunningoverthemillionor

tworeasonshimtalkingtoBrywasanabsolutelyterriblething."Wejusthadsomethingstodiscussand
cametothesameconclusions.Which,"hewentonwhenImovedtointerrupt,"don'tincludelettingyou
worryaboutadamnthingconcerningit.You'vebeenthroughenough.Wehaveithandled.Butanyway,he
alsodroppedoffyourChristmaspresents.It'sintheboxwiththebathstuff,"headded,casualasever
eventhoughhehadliterallyjusttoldmethathewas'handling'aproblemthatinvolvedadrugdealerand
guyswhobeatandrobbedmewhenhebarelyevenknewme."So,Ihearyoulikebathswhenyou're
anxious,"hewenton,standingandsteppingacrossthefloortowardme.HereachedfortheboxIheldmy
bathbombsinandhandedittome."Ihaveliterallyneverusedthatbathinthere,butAnitacleansitevery
timeshe'sheresoit'scleanandit'sallyours.Takeallthetimeyouneed."

AllthetimeI'dneed?
TocometotermswithaguyIwasmaybedevelopingfeelingsforforthefirsttimeinyearsthatbarely

knewmesomehow'handling'myproblemwithillegalprescriptiondrugdistribution?

Yeah,Iwasprettysuretherewasn'tenoughhotwaterinthebuildingtolastmeuntilIcametogrips

withthatkindofthing.

"Whileyoudothat,Iwillstartgettingthingsreadyforlater."
"Later?"Irepeated,mymindgoingintoomanydirectionstodecipherwhatthatmeant.
Hisheadduckedabit,eyeswarm,smilesweet."NewYearsEve,honey.Wehaveadate."
Adate.
IwasprettysureIactuallyfreakingblushedatthatword.
IthadbeensolongsinceIhadsomethingasnormalasadatewithaman.
"Right,"Iagreedwithahesitantsmile.
"Igotconfetticannons,"headded,lookingalmostalittlesheepishattheidea.
Seeingthat,Ifeltsomeofmytensionmeltaway.Iftherewerethingsthatmadehimfeelalittle

uncertain,andthosethingswerefreakingconfetticannons,thenheseemedabitmorehumantome.

"Soundsgood,"Isaid,genuinelymeaningit.
ThenIwentaheadandtookabathofarespectablelength.Bymystandards.Soitwasatwohourlong

bathbynormalstandards.

But,well,aftertheanxietymeltedawaysomeaboutBryandallthat,anotherideacrossedmymind.I

washavingadate.WithamanIhadalreadymadeoutwithand,sortof,dry-humpedinmylivingroomthe
weekbefore.So,ifthingsfollowedthewaytheywouldusually,thosethingsandmorecouldhappen.

Thatmeant,um,thatsomeextraattentionneededtobepaidtosomegrooming.
SoIdidthatandIslatheredonlotionhehadpackedformeandslippedintotheclotheshehadpicked

out,feelingjustthesmallestbitofembarrassmentatknowinghehadgonethroughmyunderweardrawer
seeingashehadmatchingbrasandpantiesallstackedinthekitchen.

But,ifthingswentthewayIhoped,andwassomewhatmildlyterrifiedtheymight,theendgamewas

forhimtoseemypantiesandbrasanyway.Preferablyashepulledthemoff.Maybewithhisteeth.

Okay.
Iwasgettingaheadofmyself.
WhenIwalkedbackout,RyanwasinthekitchenchoppingvegetablesandputthemonaplatterthatI

wouldputgoodmoneyonthefactthathehadn'tboughtitforhimself.Whatmanthoughtofthingslike
havingservingplatters?

"Feelbetter?"heasked,havingsomehowheardmeevenwithhisbacktome.
"Yes,thanks.Um,wheredidallmystuffgo?"Iasked,walkingovertotheislandthathadbeenstacked

whenIleftbutwassuddenlyonlycoveredinsnackyfoodsforourlittleNewYearsEvedate.Eventhe
ideaofthatmademybellydoalittlebutterflyflutter,somethingIwasn'tsureIexperiencedsincehigh
school.

"Clothesareintheseconddrawerinthebedroom.Youtookyourbathstuff.Yourlaptopandbooksare

onthecoffeetableinthelivingroom."

Hewas...movingmein?
Imeanmovingthebooksandlaptoptothelivingroomwasn'tstrangeatall;heneededthecounter

spacetoputoutthespread.Butputtingmyclothesinhisdresser?Hewasthekindofmanwhodressed
well;hehadtohaveusedallhisdresserdrawers.Sohadheemptiedoneoutforme?

"Youdidn'thaveto..."
"Ifiguredyou'renotfeelingtoocomfortablewithyourapartmentnow.Youseemgoodhere."
Heletthathang,waitingIthought,forsomekindofagreement."Iam,"Iagreed,takingalookaround.

Itwasnothinglikemyapartment.Everythingwasdarkandstreamlined.Whilemyapartmentwasalways
neat,Ihadknickknacksandpersonalitemstomakeitfeelhomey.Ryandidn'thavemuchinthewayofthat
asidefrommaybetheframedpicturesofhisnieces.Itshouldn'thavebeencomfortabletome.Itwasthe
oppositeofeverythingIthoughtIfoundrelaxing.Butsomehow,itstillwas.Maybebecauseitwasso
muchofhim.Maybemycomfortwasn'tintheplaceitself,butthepersonwhoownedit,wholivedinit,
whotouchedeverythinginsideit.

"Good.AndlikeIsaid,you'rewelcomeforaslongasyouneed.Itmadesensetoputthingsaway."
Hesaiditsocasually,shruggingitofflikeitwasnobigdealthatIalmostbelievedit.ThatwasuntilI

rememberedtheboyfriendIdatedfromeighteentotwenty-twowouldn'tletmehaveadrawerathisplace
untilIdemandeditwithanultimatum.

Itsaidsomethingwhenamanwillingly,withouthavingbeenasked,maderoomforyou.
Andrightaboutthenwaswhenthefullweightofunderstandingcameoverme-Iwasgoingtobeliving

withRyanfreakingMallick.

ItwasalsorightaboutthenthatIcaughtmyreflectioninthemicrowave.Thewordsblurtedoutbefore

Icouldstopthem."Ryan,howlonguntilmyeyegoesdown?"Iasked,meaningtheswelling.

Theknifehewascuttingwithsettleddownontheboardandheturnedslowly,givingmeasympathetic

smile."Nowaytotell.Everyonehealsdifferently.Somepeoplewillseeadifferenceinacoupledays;
otherstakeweeksormonthstobehonest.Youneedtoiceitthough,"headded,goingtothefreezerand
pullingoutafreshicepackandwrappingitup."Twentyon,thirtyoff,"hetoldme,givingittome.

"Thanks,"Isaid,givinghimasmallsmileandmovingovertothecouch,flickingontheTVandlaying

downtofolloworders.

Somehow,maybeduetothelingeringheadacheinmytemplesorthestressofthelastdayandahalf,I

driftedoff.

Therewasaticklingsensationdownthesideofmyface,makingmegrumbleandswatatit."Leaveme

alone,Rochester,"Imumbled,onlytohearalow,deepchucklethat,yeah,evenhalf-asleepIknewdidn't
belongtomycat.

Myeyesshotopen.Yes,plural.Apparently,theicingdidhelpsomewhat.Itwasn'tfullyopen,butI

couldseemorethanaslit.AndwhatIdidseewasRyansittingattheedgeofthecouch,hishandstill
brushingmysomehow-dryhairoutofmyface.Ifmyhairwasdrythen..."HowlonghaveIbeen
sleeping?"Iasked,tryingtoboltup,buthepushedmebackdown.

"Couplehours,"heshrugged.
"Howmanyhours?"
"Five,"headmittedwithasmile.
"Fivehours!Whydidn'tyouwakemeup?"
"Figuredyouneededtocatchup.Ididreplaceyouricepackafewtimesthough.Didsomegood.

Maybeyou'llbeoneoftheluckyoneswhoonlyhaveaweekorsoofswelling."

"Howdoyouknowsomuchaboutthingslikethat?"
"Thingslikewhat?"heasked,butitwaspurehedging.HeknewexactlywhatIwastalkingabout.
"Injuriesandfightingandallthat."
"ThatisastoryforanotherdayIthink,"hesaid,makingmestiffenslightly."I'lltellyou,"hereassured,

havingbeenwatchingcloselyenoughtoseethechange."Butlet'snotgotheretonight,okay?"heasked
andbecauseheseemedtoneedit,Idecidetogiveittohim.Iknewwhatitfeltliketonotbereadytotalk
aboutsomething,towanttoworkuptoit.

"Okay.SowhatdidyoumakewhileIwasout?"
"Abunchofdipsandshit,"heoffered,shrugging."Mysister-in-lawinformedmethatNewYearsEve

wasnotthekindofnightyoumadeahugemealfor.Soit'sallsnackandapps.Ididmakesomemozz
sticksandfriesthough.Don'tknowwhatyouralcoholtoleranceisandfiguredweshouldlayagoodfat
andgreaselayerforittolandon."

"Goodthinking.Ihaven'thadmorethanacoupleglassesofwinein,well,years."Infact,Irefusedto

keepmuchalcoholinmyhousebecauseIknewhoweasyitmightbetoreachforaglassofsomething
duringastressfultime.Andthenthatbecameacrutch.

"Well,champagneaside,Ihaveeverything,"hesaid,wavingahandathisliquorcabinet."Benefitsof

havingabarinthefamily."

"Whatbar?"Iasked,movingtositup.
"Chaz's."
"Noway,"Isaidwithabigsmile."ThatwasthefirstbarIeverwentintowhenIwaslegal."
"Kindoftheonlygameintown,"heagreed."ThoughIsnuckinanddrankillegallywithmybrothers

morethanatimeortwo."

"Really?"Iasked,smilingattheideaofhimbeingatroublemaker.Heseemedsostaidand

responsible.

"I'dcallitpeerpressure,butIreallyjustwantedtoknowwhatthefusswasabout.Popscameinand

foundusallpukinginthebathroom."

"Washepissed?"
Helaughedalittledrylyatthat."Myparentsaren'tyourtypicalparents.Popswasthekindofmanwho

fixedthe'problem'whenShanedecidedtotakeupsmokingbymakinghimsmokeanentirepackoneafter
anotheruntilhewassosickthathenevertouchedoneagain."

"SoI'massumingthatwhenyouweredonebeingsick..."
"Hemadeuschuguntilwepukedagain,"Ryanagreed,smilingatthememory."Popsisahardass,but

itworked.Forthemostpart.Wedidn'tsneakintothebaranymoreatleast.Anditwasagoodyearortwo
beforeanyofustouchedalcoholagain."

"What'syourmotherlike?"Ifoundmyselfasking,likingthepicturehewascreatingforme.
"EvenmoreofahardassthanmyPopsifyoucanimagine.Popshadtoworkalotwhilewewerekids

andshewasstuckwithfivetroublemakers,boundary-pushers,andgeneralpainsintheass.Shehadtobe

aforcetodealwithallofus."

"Likehow?"Ipressed,noticingthewayhissmilewentnostalgictalkingabouthisfamily,hiseyesa

littlefarawayinthememory.

"Shanehasamissingcurfewfollowedbynearfrostbitestoryhecantellyousometime,"hesaideasily,

justassumingthatitwouldhappeneventually,acertaintyinhistonethatalmostmademebelieveittoo.
"There'safallingthroughthekitchenwindowstorythat,Ithink,Hunterhastotell.Markhasagardenhose
wakeupstory."

"WhataboutyouandEli?"
"Elistayedmoreoutoftroublethantherestofusasarule,buthestillcanneverseemtofollow

simpleorders.Awhileback,MademandedweallbringdatestoSundaydinner.Itwasmandatory.Ifwe
didn'tbringone,wedidn'teat.Elididn'teat.Andshemadehimhelpherserveandeverything,"headded,
laughing.

"Andyou?"
"Hmm,"hesaid,thinkingonitasecond,hisownstoriesnotcomingaseasilytohimashissiblings'."I

wasinsenioryearandforfuckknowswhatreason,weallhadtobeinonesporteach.I'dsayitwas
becauseshewantedustolearnteamworkorsomeshitlikethat,butreally,sheprobablyjustwantedafew
hourstoherselfwhereweweren'tdrivinghernutsafterschool.Andme,idiotIwas,didn'toptfor
baseballwhereI'dgettositoutalotofthepracticeorwrestlinglikeShanesoIcouldusetheskillsI'd
learnedgrapplingwithmybrothersmywholelife.OrevencheerleadinglikeMark..."

"Ohnonono,"Icuthimoff."Youcan'tjustdropabomblikeyourbrotherbeingacheerleaderand

moveonfromit,"Isaid,laughing.

"You'dhavetomeetMarktounderstandfully.He'sah...there'snotanicewaytosayslutsoI'lljustgo

aheadandusethat.Hehasandalwaysdidreallyfuckinglovewomen.Allhisfriendsoutsideofusand
maybeColtwerefemale.Hedatedadifferentgirleveryweekinhighschool.Andwhenhewasforced
intoasport,well,whywouldn'thepickonewherehegottopickupandthrowaroundabunchofhotgirls
allday?"

"Smartguy,"Iagreed,decidingthatMarkwasdefinitelyabrotherIwantedtomeet."Whatdidyou

do?"

"Fuckingtrack,"headmittedwithasnort."IhavenoideawhatIwasthinking.IquitafterIdon't

know...twoweeks.Thatwasmorethane-fucking-noughforme.ButthenMafoundout.Andmymother,
asidefrombeingastrictbelieverinmanners,familyobligation,respectforelders,andtreatingwomen
right,well,shefuckinghatesquitters.Ifwesignedup,wefinished.Noexcuses."

Hismotherwaseverythingmymotherwasn't.IthinkIlearnedmannersdespiteher,notbecauseofher.

"Whatdidshedo?"

"Shecameandpickedmeupeverysingledayfromschool,mademechangeintogymclothes,andthen

drovebesidemeasIranthroughtheneighborhoodsforhoweverlongpracticewouldhavebeen.Every
goddamnday.Evenondayswhenitpouredandactualtrackwascancelled,thereIwasrunninginitwith
herdrivingbesidemesoIcouldn'tgetawaywithnotdoingit."

"Yourmomsoundsawesome,"Iadmitted.
"Whatwasyourslike?"heasked,makingmysmilefall.
Mymotherwasneveragoodtopicforme.One,becausewecurrentlyhadabadrelationship.Two,

becauseofthewayIhadbeenraised.Andthree,becauseshesawnothingwrongwithhowsheraisedme.

Iwasanonlychild,obviously.Theproductofashort-termaffairwithamanmanyyearshersenior

whenshewasallbuteighteen.WhenIhadaskedabouthim,allshehadtoldmewasthathewastalland
blond,hishairdreadlockedandwithabeardheoiledwithrosehipsandlavenderandhespenteighthours
adaymeditatinganddoingyogaandwasasclosetoaliving,breathingsecond-comingasyoucouldget.

Sheneverevengavemeaname.

Itwasn'tuntilIwasmuch,mucholderthatIrealized...maybeshedidn'tevenhaveoneherself.
Therewasnonicewaytosayyourmotherwas,well,abitslutty.Butthatwasexactlywhatshewas,

byalmostanystandardoftheword.One-nightstands,weekendflings,shortdalliances.Ispentmoretime
inmenIdidn'tknow'sapartmentsthanIdidinoneswheremystuffbelonged.Andshehadnomoral
compassaboutiteither.Shedatedyoung,old,married,engaged.Shedidn'tcare.

Monogamyisareligiousconcept,notahumannormalcy.
Andwhilethatmighthavebeencorrect,itdidn'texcusedraggingalittle,impressionablegirlaround

andputtingherinthehomesofpeopleshedidn'tknowshecouldtrust.Iwasluckytohaveneverbeen
abusedinthesituationssheputherselfandmein.

Shelikedtocallherselfahippie,bigonfreeloveandthemore-than-occasionalingestionofacidfor

'spiritual'purposes.

Ididn'teverhaveabedtime.IatewhateverthehellIwanted,evenifthatmeantanentireboxofsugar

cerealfordinner.Ididn'tevenknowwhatadentistwasuntilIwastenandmyunclehadbriefcareofme
anddidthosenormalthingswithme-doctor,dentist,eyeexam,theworks.Ineverlearnedanythingabout
basichumancivilitywhenIwasatherside.

And,well,thefactthatshewouldbreezeintoNavesinkBank,dropmeoffandthenleavewithoutme

onlytoshowupweeksormonthsoryearslatersaidahellofalotabouther.

"Shewasapieceofwork,"RyanagreedwhenIfinishedtellinghimallofthat."Youwereluckyyou

hadyouruncle."

Truerwordshadneverbeenspoken.
Ididn'twanttothinkaboutwhatImighthaveturnedoutlikehadheneverbeenapartofmylife.
AhugepartofmethoughtthatmaybeIwouldhaveturnedoutjustlikemymother.Andthat,well,was

theworstpossiblethingthatcouldhavehappened.I'dhappilytakemyagoraphobiaoverthatanyday.

"CanIaskyousomething,"hestarted,butwentonbeforeIcouldsayanything."Andit'salrightif

you'renotreadytotalkaboutit."

Ifeltmybellytense,myheartflutteringinawaythatwashintingatpanic,butnottakingtheleapyet.

"Sure."

"Howdidyouragoraphobiabecomesobad?"
Right.
See,thestrangethingwas,afterawhileoflivinglifeacertainway,itcanbeeasytoforgethownot

normalitis.Ididn'tspendeverymomentofmydayinmyapartmentthinkingaboutwhatafreakIwas,
howcrippledIwasbymycondition.Ijustadapted.IlivedthebestwayIcould.Icooked,Icleaned,I
read,Iwrote,Ipaidbills.Itwasaverysmalllife,butitwasalife.

Sowhenitwasbroughtup,whenitwasthrowninmyface,myimmediateinstinctwastoshutdown.

Thatwasmycopingmechanism.Aftersomanyyearsofupsettinganddisappointingpeople,itwashardto
evenbringitup.

ButtherewasRyan-good,patient,understandingRyanandhewantedtoknow.Notbecausehewanted

toaccusemeofanythinglikebeingabadfriendornotsupportinghim,butbecausehewantedto
understandmebetter.

Icouldn'trefusehimsomethingthatwassuchabigpartofme.
Itookadeepbreath,turningmygazetomyownhandsandrubbingmythumbnailwithmyotherthumb-

astrangehabitIfoundcomforting.Imighthavebeenabletotellhim,butIdidn'tthinkIcoulddoitwith
eye-contact.

"WhenmymomdroppedmeoffforthelasttimewhenIwasateenager,Ithrivedwithmyuncle.Itfelt

goodtohaverootsandtoknowtheywouldn'tbeyankedoutagainatanytime.SoIsettledin.Imade
friends.Isocialized.Eventually,Idated.Iwasnormal.Wentofftocollege.Camebackandgotajobat
theelementaryschool.Igotanapartmentandhadalotoffriendsandsocialengagements.

Andthenoneday,completelyoutoftheblue,IwasshoppingatastoreIhadbeentoamilliontimes

beforeandIjust...lostit.Ididn'tunderstanditatthetime-thedizziness,therapidheartbeat,thecold
sweat,thetinglingandhotandcoldsensations,thepressureonmychestthatmadeithardtobreathe.AllI
knewwasIneededtorun.SoIranandIneverwentbacktothatstore.Allwasfineforawhile.Andthen
ithappenedinadifferentstore.SoIstoppedgoingthere.Ithappenedatrestaurants,bars,clubs,coffee
houses.SoIstoppedgoingtheretoo.Then,work.Ihadtoquit.

Ididn'tunderstandatthetimethattheavoidancewaswhatmadeitprogresssomuch.Ididn'tlearnthat

untilIfinallystartedseeingatherapist.Youknow,"Isaid,smilealittleatmyownexpense,"untilI
couldn'tgotoherofficeanymoreeither.Theonlyrealwaytodealwithitistofaceuptoit."

"Exposuretherapy,"hecutin,makingmyheadjerkup,surprisedheevenknewtheterm.
"Exactly.Youhavetoplantyourfeetanddealwiththepanicattack,notletitdriveyoufromtheplace.

Because,chancesare,onceyouleave...you'llnevergobackagain.Andthatwilleventuallyhaveitsothat
youcan'tleaveyourapartmentanymore.Youcan'tdoanythinganymore.Ithappenedmaybe...overayear
andahalf.Fromfirstpanicattacktonotbeingabletoleavemyapartment.Justayearandahalf.Andin
thattime,allthosefriendsIhaddecidedthatIwastoo'wrappedupinmyself'or'unsupportive'ofthem
becauseIcouldn'tmakeittotheirbandgigsor'overreacting'bysayingIwantedtogo,butIcouldn'tmake
myselfdoit."

Iclosedmyeyesthen,takingafewdeepbreaths,feelingafamiliarstingoftears.Itwasn'toftenIlet

myselfthinkofthosepeopleIlostalongtheway,thehurtfulwayitgenerallyhappened.Bryhadbeenthe
onlyonewhohadwentwiththeflow.WhenIwasabletogoout,hewouldgowithme.WhenIhada
panicattackandneededtoleave,heletmego,paidwhatevertabwehad,gotourfoodboxedup,then
drovetomyapartmentandhungoutwithmethere.WhenIeventuallycouldn'teventrytogooutanymore,
hehadshruggedandjustacceptedit.

Eventually,hisnew'businessventure'tookhimawayfrommemoreandmore,mademeallthemore

reclusiveandstarvedforhumancontact,butIknewthatIcouldn'texpectpeopletolettheirlivesrevolve
aroundmyissues.Hestillcamesometimes,butusuallyonlyonpick-upordrop-offdays.Thoughhe
alwaysmadeastoponmybirthdayortobringoveramoviethatgotontoDVDthatIhadwantedtoseein
thetheaterbutcouldn't.Soheneversawthemeitherandwaitedtodoitwithme.

Hehadbeengoodtome.
Attimes,IfeltIdidn'tdeserveit.
That'stheanxietytalking,mytherapistwouldsay.
"CanIaskonemorething?"RyanaskedwhenIfinallyopenedmyeyesagain,havingwonthebattle

withthetears.

Whatleftwastheretoaskthatcouldbotherme?
"Sure."
MyeyesevenwentuptohisandIfoundhimwatchingmeintently,likehewaslookingforeventhe

smallestreactiontothequestionhewasgoingtoask."HaveyouandBryeverdated?"

"What?No!"Ishrieked,theideasoabsurdthatIactuallylaugh/snortedatit.Itwasarealdelicateand

charmingsoundletmetellyou."Ofcoursenot.He'stheclosestthingtoabrotherIhave.Whywouldyou
askthat?"

Hisheadtiltedslightly,hismouthopeningandclosingacoupleoftimeslikehewastryingtodecideto

tellmeornot.Eventually,hedid."Becausehe'sinlovewithyou,Dusty."

Iwasprettysureanentirecannonballdroppedandsettledintomybellyatthatphrase.
Inlovewithme?
Bry?
No,thatwasn't...
Except,maybeitwas.

IfIwerebeinghonestwithmyself,Iwouldadmitthattherehadbeentimesovertheyearswhenthere

weretensemoments,heavysilenceswhenhewasfightingsayingsomethingtome,touchingthatcould
maybehavebeenfriendlyfromatouchy-feelyperson(whichBrywasnot),butweren'tnormalforjusta
pairofchildhoodfriends.Hecataloguedeventhesmallestdetailsaboutmeandsomehowbroughtitup
againmonthsoryearslater.HisgiftswerealwaysexactlywhatIliked.

Friendshipslikethatbetweentwowomen,Icouldsaythatwasthenorm.
Butmaybeitdidn'texactlyworkthatwaywithmenandwomen.
Maybehisawarenessofmehadlesstodowithjustfriendshipandmoretodowith...somethingmore.
"Youhadnoidea,"heobservedaccurately,givingmeahalf-smile.
"Ishouldhave,"Isaid,shakingmyhead."Wow.Ireally,reallyshouldhaveseenit.Imean,maybeI

wasjustnotadmittingitbecausehewasallIhadleftanddenyinghimthatwaymighthaveruinedit..."

"Ithinkyouunderestimatehim,"hesurprisedmebysaying."Hemightbeinlovewithyou,honey,but

healsojustplainlovesyou.Ithinkapartofhimknowsthatyou'veneverreturnedthefeelingsandthat's
whyhehasn'tactedonthem.Maybeheneverwouldhave.Maybehewouldhavealwaysjustbeenthere
foryouinwhatevercapacityyouneeded.AndIamprobablyashitforeventellingyouaboutit,butIthink
it'ssomethingyouneededtoknow.And,well,Ineededtoknowaboutyourrelationshipwithhim."

"Why?"
Hissmilewasalittleteasingatthat."Becausethisthinghere,withyouandme,ifthisgoesthewayI

wantittogo...it'shappening."

"It's...happening?"Irepeated,mybellydoinganotherofthosedeliciouslittleflutters,butIwanted

moreclarity.IneededitsoIdidn'tdrivemyselfhalforfullycrazyoverwhathemeant.

"Yeah.Happening.You'reinmyplace.Ilikeyouhere.I'dlikeyoutokeepbeinghere.Igetthatit's

earlyandwedon'tknoweverythingabouteachotheryet,butIfigurewewilldothateventually.Ineeded
toknowyouweren'thavingmixedfeelingsabouthimbeforewemoveforward."

Forward.
Asinafuture.
Withme?
Ididn'tthinkhetrulyunderstoodwhathewassaying.
"Ryan,Idon'tthinkyou..."
"Igetit,"hecutmeoff,shakinghishead."I,ah,wellIdidsomeresearchbeforeImademydecision,

Dusty.IknowwhatIamgettingintohere.AndIknowthereisnomagiccureandIknowit'sgoingtobe
progressandregression,butIthinkyouareoverestimatinghowmuchitmatterstome.I'mnotasocial
person.Iwork,Icomehome.Occasionally,Iseemyfamily.Iwouldeventuallylikeyoutobeableto
cometothoseoccasionstoo,butI'mnotsayingitneedstobenextweekornextmonth.AllIamaskingfor
is..."

"Progress,"Icuthimoff.
Icoulddoprogress.
Imean,Iwasoutofmyapartment.Iwasinhis.AndIwasn'tfreakingoutaboutit.Thatwasprogress.I

hadmethisbrotherandinteractedwithhimandthatwasprogresstoo.

Solongasthestepsweresmallandnotexpectationsthatsetmeupforfailure,IwasprettysureI

coulddothat.

"Exactly,"heagreed,reachingoutandgrabbingmyknee,givingitareassuringsqueeze."Thinkthat

couldwork?"

Igavehimasmallsmile,notwantingtogetaheadofmyself,butfeelinghopeful."Ithinkso,"Iagreed.
Thesmilehegaveme,yeah,itwassoworthdecidingtoagreetocontinuallystepoutofmycomfort

zone.

"Alright,"hesaid,eyesgettingjustalittleheatedashisfingerssankintomyhipsandpulleduntilIhad

nochoicebuttomovetowardhim,togooverandstraddlehimashesatback.Hisfingersglideddown
slightlythen,almosttouchingmybutt,butnotquite."Don'twanttokissyoubecauseIdon'twanttohurt
yourlip,"heexplained,givingmealittlesqueeze.

Mylip?
WhothehellcaredaboutmylipwhenIhadasweet,considerate,gorgeous,andsexyasallhellman

beneathmewhowantedmeeventhoughIwasacompleteanduttermess?

Certainlynotme,thatwasforsure.
Icurledforward,myhandsslidinguphisarmstosettleonthesidesofhisneck.Hisbrilliantlighteyes

wentheatedwithunderstandingjustamomentbeforeIcarefullypressedmylipstohis.

Theywerestillswollenandtherewasapinchofpainatthepressure,butthesecondhislipsmoved

againstmine,well,allIfeltwasaheady,almostoverwhelmingrushofdesire.Histonguetracedtheseam
inmylipsandwetpooledbetweenmythighsasmybreastsgotheavy.

Myhipsdroppedlowashistonguemovedovermine,makingasmallwhimperescapemeasIground

downonhishardlength,tryingtoeasetheclawingneedinside.

Hishandsdugintothepointofpain,pullingmebackthenforwardagain,encouragingmetotakewhat

Ineededfromhim.

AndIwasn'texactlygoingtorefusethatoffer,wasI?
Imovedagainsthim,feelingtheneedbuild,noteasingtheachebutpromisinganendtoit.My

foreheadpressedintohis,toolostinthesensationtoremembertokeepkissinghim.

"Honey,"hesaid,hisvoiceadeeper,sexierrumblethanusualwhichwasreallysayingsomething

becausehisnormalvoicecouldbringmetomyknees.Ipulledbackslightly,openingmyeyes.Andthat
wasjustwhenhishipsthrustupwardandhitmyclitwithperfectpressure.Analmostembarrassinglyloud
moanescapedmeandhiseyesclosedasheletoutaslowexhale.

Whenhiseyesopenedagain,hishandshiftedaroundfrommybuttandtowardthefront,snaggingmy

buttonthenzipfasterthanIknewwaspossible.

Thenhishandslidupandin,slippingundermypantiesandstrokingupmyslickslit.Findingmewet,a

rumblemovedthroughhischestashisfingerwentupandpressedintomyclit,thesensationsomething
akintowhite-hotandImadeachokedsoundasmyhandflewoutandgrabbedhisarmhard.

"Okay?"heasked,fingerpullingbackslightly,wantingtomakesurehehadpermission.
Wordsstrangledinmythroat,inagoodwaywhichwasentirelynewtome,Igavehimatightnodas

myhipsdidasmallstrokethatmadeadevilishlittlesmilepullathislips.

Therewasnoteasing,nohintingatsomethinghewasgoingtogettothebrinkofandpullmeaway

from.Hisfingerworkedmyclitwithperfectpressure,changingdirectionsoccasionally,keepingmybody
guessing.

Then,justassuddenlyashefoundmyclit,hisfingerstrokeddownwardandhisfingercircledaround

myentranceforalongmomentbeforepressingslowlyinside,thesensationsolongforgotten,butso
welcome,IletoutasoundthatwassuspiciouslysimilartoacryasIleanedforwardandnestledmyface
intohisneck.

Hisfingerslidfullyinsideandwithouthesitation,startedaslow,sweet,perfectthrustingthathad

everymuscleinmybodytensing,mybreathcomingoutinchoked,frantichuffsasthepressurebuilt.

Then,whenIthoughtanythingbetterwasn'tevenremotelypossible,hisfingercurled,strokingovermy

topwallandhittingmyG-spotwiththekindofassuranceIfoundastounding.Tobehonest,Iwaspretty
sureIhadneverfoundthatspotmyself.And,asthesensationbecamedifferentthanoneIhadeverknown,
yeah,Iwassurethathisknowledgeofmybodyseemedtosurpassmyown.

Myhipsrockedupanddownashisthumbmovedupandstartedworkingmyclitagain,thetwo

sensationstogethermakingthewhimpersandcriesbecomeloud,franticmoansthatIwasn'tsureIwas
evencapableofashepushedmetotheedge.Then,withouthesitation,pushedmeoffthecliff.

Icrashedintotheorgasm.
Therewasnootherwaytoputit.
Mywholebodyslammeddownhard,mylegmusclesgoingliquidasthepulsationsmovedthroughme,

deepinmybellyatfirstandthenmovingoutwarduntilthesensationseemedtotakeovermywholebody.

IcamebacktomysenseswithRyan'snamestillwhimperingfrommylips,mybodyshuddering,my

breathingamereimitationofwhatitwassupposedtobe,comingoutinoddstrobe-likehuffsashisthumb
leftmyclitbuthisfingerdidaslower,gentler,almostlazythrusting,carefullybringingmebackdown.

Collapsingintohim,myheadturnedandIplantedachastekisstohisthroat,toooverwhelmedto

overthinkanythingoreventhinkatall.

Iwasn'tsurehowlongithadbeensinceIhadhadanorgasm.Monthsatleast.Andfromsomeoneelse?

Years.Severallongyears.

Itwasalmostlikethefirsttimeinitsnovelty,intheall-consumingwonderofitall.
Ryan'shandslidoutofmypantiesandrestedonmythigh,theothergoingaroundmylowerbackand

holdingmeagainsthimtightly."Fuck,Dusty,"hesaid,hisvoiceadesperategrowl.

Ismiledagainsthisneckatthat.
Fuck.
Thatjustaboutcoveredit,didn'tit?
MyhipsshiftedandIfelthimpressagainstme,harderthanbefore,andasurgeofguiltcoursedthrough

me,realizingtheselfishnessofthesituation.

Ipulledbackalittlenervously,mylipspartingtospeak,whenheshookhishead.
"Nowhat?"Iasked,myforeheadcreasing.
"No,we'renottakingthisanyfurthertonight,"hesaid,somehowreadingthesituationperfectly."Or,"

hewentonasIopenedmymouthtoobject,tosayIwashappyto...eventhingsout,"untilIcanbeinside
youandkissyouwithoutfuckinghurtingyou."

"Ryan,it'sok..."
"Nope,"hesaid,shakinghishead,givingmewhatIcouldonlycallasternlook."Nothappening.

Whenithappens,Iwantittoberight.It'snotrightifI'mhurtingyouinanyway.Sowe'reputtingthatoff."

"Butit'snot..."
"Shh,"hesaid,yankingmesidewayssuddenlyandmakingmelandonmybuttbesidehim,mylegs

cockeduponhisthighs.

"Didyoujust...shushme?"Iasked,smilingbigbecauseitseemedsooutofcharacterforsomeonelike

him.

"Yep,"heagreedashereachedaroundlookingfortheremote.
"Thecouchprobablyateit,"Isupplied,knowingIhadfallenasleepwithitsettledbesidemybodyand

thatItendedtorollaroundabitwhenIwasfirstsettlingintosleep."Isn'tittooearlyfor,"Istarted,but
thenhefoundtheremote,switchedthechannel,andtherewasTimesSquare."Oh,"Isaid,lookingbelow
theTVatthetimeandfindingitwasalreadywellafternine.

"Wehavethreehoursofdrinkingaheadofus,"hesaid,slammingahandonmykneeandsqueezing

beforeusingittopushhimselfup."Betterputsomeliningdown,"hesaid,goingtowardtheliquor
cabinet."What'syourpoison?"

Idrankwine,oneortwoglassesbymyself.AndwhenBrycameoverinamoodandneededadrink,

wehadvodkabecausethatwashisdrink.

Mydrink,well,usedtobeaverydryginmartiniwithtwoolives.
Andabouttwoofthemcouldputmeonmyass,evenbackwhenIusedtodrinkmoresocially.
"Dusty,"hepromptedwhenIjustsatthere."Whatdoyoudrink?"herepeated,liptwitchingjustthe

slightestbitlikehefoundmeamusing.

And,well,ifamancouldfindmyawkwardnessamusing,hewasakeeper.

"Doyouhavevermouth?"IaskedasIslowlygotoffthecouch.Irealizedmyflywasstillopenwhen

hisgazewentthereandaknowingsmilepulledathislips.IfeltmycheeksheatasIreacheddownself-
consciouslytocloseup.

"Whatself-respectingliquorcabinetdoesn'thavevermouth?"heshotback,bendingdownandlooking

inside."Howdoyouwantit-wet,dry,dirty,orperfect?"

Myheadduckedtothesideashestraightened,twobottlesofvermouthinhishandsandIjustknew

onewasFrench,meaningdry,andonewasItalian,meaningsweet."Wow,that'ssomeimpressivedrink
knowledge,"Isaidwithasmile."Dry.Very."

Henodded,tuckingoneofthebottlesawayandmovingtograbamartiniglassandthegin."Weall

workedshiftsasbartenderswhenwewerelegal.Popsthoughtitwasimportanttounderstandhowtorun
thebusiness.Someofitstuck."

"Soundslikealotofitstuck,"Icountered,movingovertotheislandandgrabbinganadorablyfestive

NewYearsEvepaperplateandloadingitup,goinglightonthecarrotsandceleryandheavyonthefries
andcheese.Ifweweredrinkingforhoursandmytolerancewasaslowasitprobablywas,hewasright,I
neededlining.

SothenweateanddrankandIgotprettywasted,everypartofmetinglyandaliveandmyheadafun

littleanxiety-freezonethatfeltrefreshingasIsnuggledintoRyanonthecouch,hisstrongarmaroundme,
handingmeachampagneflutewiththeotheraswewereattheoneminutemarkfrommidnight.

Wewatchedtheballdrop.
Wewatchedanewyearcometous,offeringthingsIprayedIcouldhave.
Heleanedover,gavemeasweet,soft,carefulkisstothelipsandgavemeanalmostwhispered,

"HappyNewYear,honey."

"HappyNewYear,"Iagreed,givinghimasmileIfeltdowntomysoulasheraisedhisglass.
"Progress?"heasked.
AndInodded."Progress."
Perfect.
Itwasallsoperfectithurt.
Youknow,untilthenextdaywhenitallgotruined.

ELEVEN

Ryan

IneverreallygaveashitaboutNewYearsEve.Mostofthetime,Iwasinbedandhalfasleepwhile

answeringworkemailsatmidnight.Itjustwasn'tmything.Iwasn'tapartyguyandIhadn'thadaserious
girlfriendtogiveashitaboutamidnightkisssinceIwasprobablyinmyearlytwenties.

Butputtingalittleeffortin,stayingawake,andwatchingDustygetfuckingbombedinthegoddamn

cutestwaypossiblethengettingakissatmidnight?

Yeah,totallyworthit.
Gettingtofeelhercomearoundmyfingersasshecriedoutmynameintomyneck?
Fuckingperfect.
Gettingtounderstandhowshecametobehowshewas?Thatwasincrediblyimportant.Ineededto

know.Ineededtoseehowtolookoutforherinthefuture.

Thestoryabouthermotherwasfucked.Havingcomefromafamilythat,whiletheirmethodsof

parentingweren'texactlytraditional,theywerealldoneinlove,intheinterestofraisinggood,strong,
respectfulmen,Icouldn'timaginewhatitwasliketonothavethat.Tobetreatedlikeapest,tobeputin
potentiallydangeroussituations.

IfwhatBrysaidwastrue,Iwasgladshewasn'tintouchwiththatpieceofwork.Shewasprobably

betteroffwithouther.

SpeakingofBry,Ihadheardfromhimtwice,justupdatessayinghehadn'tmadeanyheadwayyet.

Which,frankly,meantheprobablyneverwould.TheproductwaslikelygoneandheandDustyand
thereforeme,werealllikelyfucked.

Myphonerang,Mark'snameflashingonthescreen."What'sup,Mark?"Iasked,grabbingmykeys,

givingDustyaquickkisstothetemple,havingalreadytoldherasIdressedthatIneededtoruninto
Chaz'stocheckthelogforthenightbefore,andheadedintothehall.

"So,couldn'tfindshitoutmyselfsoIreachedouttoSawyer'slittlebrother..."

"Barrett?"Iasked,havingavaguememoryofhimbackfromwhenweusedtohangwithSawyerin

highschool.Barretthadn'tbeentheshit-starting,roughandtumbletypelikemeandmybrothersand
Sawyerweresowedidn'tseehimmuch,alwaysgluedtohiscomputers,videogames,orbooks.I'dheard
thathehadaknackwithsomeinvestigatingshitandthatSawyerusedhimoccasionallyoncases,but
didn'trealizehedidanythingforhimself.

"Yeah,he'sawhizatthisshitnowapparently.Anyway,hedidsomediggingandtracedBrytosome

guyinCamdennamedDomDonovan."

HepausedatthatandIknewhimwellenoughtoknowthatthatwasabadthing.Markneverhadan

issuetalkingyourfuckingearoffwhenhefeltlikeit,whichwasmostofthefuckingtime."Notgettingany
youngerhere,Mark."

"He'sbad.Thekindofbadwedon'tfuckwith.Thekindofbadthatnoonefuckswith.He'sgotarap

sheetthatmakesAtlasShruggedseemshort,"hesaidwithrealdisgustinhistone.He'dneededtoread
thatbookinhisfinalyearofhighschoolandgotsickofitallofthreepagesinanddecidedtocharmone
ofthecutenerdygirlsinclasstowritehispaperforhim.Whichshedid,happily.AndhegotanAwithout
everhavingreadthebookIfoundhimusingasadoorstopinhisapartment.

"For?"
"Mostlyviolentshit.Aggravatedassault,gunscharges,drunkanddisorderly."
"Notpossession?"Iasked,bleepingthelockstomycar.
"Neverbeencaughtwithevenajointonhim.Hekeepshimselfcleanofthat,onlydirtyinghimselfup,

itseems,toprotecthisrep.Andasidefromtheshitthat'sonthebooks,thereisalotthat'snotthathehas
attributedtohim.Includingsixrapesandninemurders."

Fuckingwonderful.
"Andthatdoesn'tevenscratchthesurfaceoftheshithismenhavegottenawaywitheither."
Istiffenedintheseatofmycar,notbotheringtoturnitoverbecausesomethingoccurredtomeright

then,somethingIreallydidn'twanttoconsider,somethingthatmeantaworldofbad.

"Whatisit?"heasked,obviouslypickingupontheheavinessevenacrosstheline.
"Everstoptoconsiderthatmaybethiswasaninsidething.MaybeDomgotawhiffofsomethinghe

doesn'tlikeaboutBryandtookhisshitback?"Whichwouldmakesensewhytheyweresomercilesswith
Dusty.IfDomandhismenwerebigonrape,thenitwasafuckingmiracleIgotthereintime."

"ThenthatmeansthatBry..."
"Fuck,"Isaid,hangingupandbringingupmycontacts,findingthecallfromBryandhittingcall.
"Idon'thaveanyupdate..."
"Whereverthefuckyouare,youneedtoleave.Youneedtofindsomewherenoonewilllookforyou

andlaythefucklow."

Therewasalongpause."Why?"
"BecauseitseemsmorelikelythatDom'sguysweretheonesinDusty'sapartment,takingbackthe

product.That'swhyyoucan'tfinditonthestreet.That'swhynooneisrecognizingthesefucks."

"JesusChrist,"hesaidandIcouldactuallyhearhimbookingit,thewhizzofcarsastheypassed,the

huffofhisbreath."Whythefuckwouldhecomeafterme?"heaskedafterIheardsomethingslam.

"Onlyyoucantellmethat.Maybeit'sassimpleashimnotlikingyoukeepingtheproductinDusty's

place.Maybeit'ssomeoneyou'reconnectedtothathedoesn'ttrust.Maybehethinksyou'reskimming.
Whothefuckknows.Guysinpositionslikehisgetparanoidanddostupidshit.Tothem,bettertotakeyou
outthanhavetoworryaboutyou."

Andthenhesaidsomethingthatprovedjusthowmuchthepoorfuckcaredabouther."Dusty.Youneed

to..."

"Don'tworryaboutDusty.Iwilltakecareofher,"Isaid.
"Igetthatmaybeshe'smoreyoursthanminenow,man.Butyoulistentome,youbetterfuckingmake

surethat..."

"Ilikethatyoucareaboutherthismuchandwanttomakesuresheissafe,butyoudon'tneedtotellme

howtohandlemyshit.Icanprotectmypeople.Youworryaboutyourself."

Again,apause,likelynotlikinghavingtotakebackseatwithDusty,butknowingtherewasnothinghe

coulddoaboutit."SowhatthehellamIsupposedtobedoing?Layinglowandsittingonmyhandsforthe
restofmylife?"

Thatwasn'tabadpoint.
GettinghimandDustytosaferplacesdidn'tsolvetheproblem.Itwasatemporarybandaidovera

giant,gapingwound.

"DoituntilIcanthinkofanotherwayaroundthis,"Isaid,hangingup.
Factofthematterwas,Bry'sproblemswerenotmyproblems.Thatbeingsaid,iftheyhadbeen

watchinghim,theywatchedher.Iftheywatchedher,theyknewsheandBrywereatleastsomewhatclose.
Thentheywouldfigurethatiftheygottoher,theycouldmaybegetthewhereaboutsofBry.

TherewasnowayIwasgoingtoletthathappen.
Buttomakesureofthat,IwasgoingtohavetodosomethingIknewshewasn'tgoingtolike,would

hateinfact.

IfIcouldthinkofanyothersolution,Iwould.
Butsafewaswhatsheneededtobe,evenifitmeantshehatedmeforit.
Isighed,pickingmycellbackupanddialingmyfather'snumber."Mallick,"hisvoiceclipped,being

someonewhonevercheckedtheIDbeforepickingup.

"Pops,gotaproblem,"Istarted,exhalinghard.
"OnNewYearsDay?"hescoffedthenletoutahumorlesslaugh."Onlymyboyswouldringinthenew

yearwithaproblem.Whatisit?"

"Yeah,nothisissomethingweallneedtogettogetherandtalkabout."
Therewasashortpausethen,provingonceagainthathehadsomekindofsixthsense,"Thishastodo

withyourgirl,doesn'tit?"

"Yeah."
"And,again,onlyoneofmyfuckingsonswouldfindthemselvesasweet,nicelittleshut-inwhobrings

heapsoftroublealongwithherfromtheprivacyofherapartment."ThatwasCharlieMallick-usedtoa
lifeofuncertainty,ofchaos,ofacceptingshitanddealingwithitandmovingon."Alright.Whendoyou
needtotalktous?"

"IneedtogetDustysomewheresafefirstandthenIwillbeintouch.Nolaterthantomorrow.This

needstobehandledbeforeitescalates."

"Alright.Textoneofyourbrothersaboutitandwewillsetitup.Getyourgirlsafe."
HeendedthecallandIclimbedbackoutofmycar,lockingthedoors,andhittingtheremotestartsoit

warmedup.ItlookedlikeIwouldn'tbegoingintoworkafterall.

"Hey,whatareyoudoingbacksosoon?"Dustyasked,givingmeasmilefromthecouchwhereshe

hadproppedherselfupafterIleftwithtwobottlesofwater,anicepack,andTums.Apparently,shewasn't
atthepointwithuswhereshewaswillingtoadmitshehadawickedhangoverbecauseshehadbeen
makingbreakfastwhenIleftlikenothingwaswrong.Abreakfastthatwasstillsittingonthecounter,
uneaten.

Imovedacrosstheroom,sittingdownbyherfeetandpullingherlegsovermine.
"Soserious,"shesaid,browsdrawingtogether.Then,whenIdidn'timmediatelysayanything,she

curledup,herperfectgreeneyeslookingworried."Issomethingwrong?"

ThiswasthepartIwasmostworriedabout,notthefollowthrough,thepartIknewwouldbehardest

forher,butthehavingtobreakthenewstoher,toruinherday.Thatpartsuckedforme.

"Yesandno,"Isaid,puttingmyhandonherankleandsqueezing.

"Let'sstartwiththeno,"shesaid,herbreathingalreadygoingalotmoreshallowthanitshould,her

handrestingbelowherthroatlikesheknewwhatwascomingwasgoingtomakeherfreak.

"Aftersomedigging,BryandmybrothersandIhaveconcludedthattheguyswhoattackedyouactually

workforBry'sboss."

"Okay,"shesaid,thehandinchingalittlehigher.
"Andthat'sbadnews.He'ssomeonefromCamdenwithabadreputationofrapeandmurder,"Isaid,

givingherankleanothersqueezeasherbodystartedtightening."So,Iamsettingupameetingwithmy
familytoseewhatwecandoaboutalong-termsolution.Untilthen,ItoldBrytolaylowsomewhereno
onecanlookforhim.Andthatmeans..."

"No,"shesaid,alreadyshakingherhead,alreadyunderstanding.
"I'mafraidit'snotreallymuchofachoicehere,honey.Wecan'tstayhere.We'rerightacrossthehall

fromyourapartment.Theguyssawmeandtheyareeventuallygoingtostartwatchingme."

"Buttheywon'tseeme!"sheobjected,hervoiceanairysqueak,likelybecauseIhadn'tseenhertakea

breathinfartoolong.

"Can'tguaranteethat.Maybetheywon'tknowyou'rehere.Butthatdoesn'tmeantheywon'tbreakinifI

leaveandhappenuponyou.Then,Dusty,Idon'tevenwanttofuckingthinkaboutwhatcanhappen.I
understandthisishugeforyou.AndI'msorryIcan'tthinkofanysolutionbetterthanthis,butwehaveto
go."

Sheyankedherlegsoffofmine,puttingherfeetdownonthefloorandloweringherselfdownuntilher

elbowswereonherknees,herheadcradledinherhands.IwatchedforanalmostalarmingtimebeforeI
finallysawhertakeabreath,slowandabitshaky,butdeep,likeshewastryingtokeepcalm.

"Where?"shecroakedout,refusingtolookatme.
"Notfar.Ihavesomeplacewecangothat'ssafe.EvenifIwasn'tthere,itwouldbesafe.Andwe've

alreadyconcludedthatmycarisokayforyou."

Evenifwehadonlyconcludedthatitwasokayinastationarypositionwhileparkedonlyacouple

yardsawayfromthedoorthatleaduptohersafeplace.

"When?"
"Honestly?Assoonaswecanpacksomeshitandgo."
"Rocky..."
"Cancome,"Isaid,knowingheprobablyshouldn'tbutnotgivingafuck.They'dhavetomakean

exception.

Shelookedatmethen,hereyeshuge,herlipalittletrembly.Whenshespoke,hervoiceshook.Butit

saidwhatIneededtohear."Okay."

Imean,itwasn'tlikeshehadanoption.Ihadtriedtoglossoverthat.Butevenifshefreakedthefuck

outandIhadtocarryherovermyshoulderagain,Iwould.Iwasn'tgoingtoletherstayandallowfuck-
knew-whattohappentoher.

"Woulditbebetterformetopackandyoujusttryto..."
"No.I'mbetterifI'mdoingsomething,"shesaid,jumpingup,grabbingalltheitemsshehadaroundher

andmovingtoputthembackintoplace.

ShewentonasearchforRockyandImovedtothebedroom,grabbingasuitcaseandthrowingwhat

shitIhadforherinitalongwithseveralofmyownthingsbeforezippingitshutandwalkingbackintothe
mainroom.

Ifoundherinthekitchen,thecatcarrierontheisland,shakingviolentlyasRockyfoughthis

confinement.ButIalsofoundDustystandingthere,onehandslammeddownonthecounter,theother
pressedtoherforehead.

"Youokay?"
"Lightheaded,"sheadmitted,notmoving.

"Alright,"Isaid,puttingthesuitcasedownandmovingbehindher,wrappingonearmacrossthevery

lowestpartofherstomach,placingmyotherrightinthecenterofitlikeIhadseenherdomanytimes.
"Breathe."

Shedid,theairmakingherbellyshakeatfirst.Butsheleanedbackintome,eyesclosed,andkept

deep-breathinguntilmostofthetensionleftherbody.

"Sorry."
"Don't,"Isaid,turningmyheadtokisshertemple.
"Don'twhat?"
"Don'tapologizeforbeinganxious.Anyonewouldbeanxiousinthissituation."
"You'renot,"sheobserved,aquestioninhervoice.
Shewasright.Iwasn't.Infact,Ihardlyevenknewwhatthesensationofpanicwasanymore.First,

becauseIjustwasn'tapersonpronetoit.Iwascalmandrationalandhandledshitbeforeitgotoutof
hand.Second,becausemylifewastoofuckingcrazytoallowmetofreakovereverything.

"PromiseIwillexplainthat,honey.Butnowisnotthetime."
"Okay,"sheagreed,understandingtherewasatleastasmallamountofurgencyrightthen."Canweget

thispartoverwith?"sheasked,andItookittomeanthemove.

"Yeah,"Iagreed,pressingherforward,droppingmyhands,andmovingaway."Justletmegrabboth

ourlaptopsandthenwecanhitit."

Ipackedthemup,alongwithotherrandomitemsIsawlyingaround,includingthreeofherbooksthatI

couldfitinthebagwiththeelectronics.

"Don't,"IsaidwhenIsawhereyeslandonthelitterbox."I'llpickupnewshitwhenwegetwhere

we'regoing,"Isaidandshenoddedtightlyandreachedforthecatcarrier.Imovedtothedoor,pullingit
open,andflyingbackwardonahiss."Motherfucker,"Igrowled,exhalinghard.

"That'swhatalotofpeoplecallme.Usuallywomen,"Marksaid,completelyignoringmeandlooking

overtoDustywhohewinkedat.

"Thefuckyoudoingjuststandingoutsidemyapartmentlikeagoddamnpeepingtom?"
"Dusty,"hesaid,holdingahandtohisheartandcompletelyfuckingignoringme."Mylove,Icalled

dibsbeforehim,youknow."

Caughtoff-guard,sheletoutasurprisedlaugh."What?Youdon'tevenknowme."
"PiquedthisEunuch'sinterest,that'sallIneededtoknow,"hesaid,jerkinghisheadtowardme.
Dusty'sgazefollowedandshegavemewhatIcouldonlycallawickedsmilebeforelookingbackat

mybrother."YoumustbeMark.Thecheerleader."

Completelynotexpectingthat,Ithrewmyheadbackandlaughed,adeep,rollingonethatIhadn'tdone

inalongasstime.

Mark,unphasedasusual,gaveherasmiletoo."Angel,doyouhaveanyideahowmanyofthose

cheerleadersIgotbeneathmeoraboveme...orinfrontofme?"heasked.

"Letmeguess,allofthem,"shesaid,stilldeadpan,butshewassmiling.
"AllexceptprettylittleJennyAnderson,"headmitted."Butonlybecauseshefracturedherpelvis

whenoneoftheotherguysdidn'tcatchherafteratuckjump.Shamereally."

"Yes,I'msureshewassorelydisappointed,"Dustyaddeddryly.
"That'sgood,sugarplum,"hesaidwithanod."You'regoingtoneedthatsenseofhumortosurvivein

thisfamily."

"Ifyou'redoneflirtingwithmyfuckingwoman,"Isaid,nomaliceinmyvoicebecauseMarkflirted

witheveryone.Wewereallprettymuchconvincedhecouldn'thelpit.ThoughhehadlaidoffFeeandLea
oncetheygotseriouswithHuntandShane."Howaboutyoutellmewhatyou'redoinghere?"

"Ohme?I'mthesecuritycaravan.Popsthoughtyouwouldwantsomeoneelselookingoutforyou."
"Popsshouldhaveasked,"Icorrected,butknewthatourfatherwasnotthekindtoaskanygoddamn

thing."Well,rightnow,"Isaid,tossingtheelectronicbagathimalongwiththesuitcase,"you'reapack
mule.Getamoveon.Weneedtogetheroutofhere,"Isuppliedashegavemeaknowinglook,tookthe
itemsIgavehim,alongwiththegoddamncat,andmovedout.

"Yourbrothersare..."shetrailedoff,thinking.
"Intrusive?"Ioffered,beingastrueasanythingelse.
"Iwasgoingtosayinterestingcharacters.AretheotherslikeEliandMark?"
"There'sonlyoneEliandoneMark.Shaneisloudandopinionated.Hedoesn'thavemuchofafilter.

Hunterisabitcalmer.He'sgotkidsandawomanandabusinessthatkeephimgrounded."

Shegavemeabitofashysmileandadmitted,"Well,IlikeEliandMarksofar.IthinkI'lllikeShane

andHuntertoo."

Ilikedthat.
AndIlikedthatshewasthinkingaheadenoughtoplanforthateventuality.
"IfyoucanhandleMark,youcanhandletheothers,"Iassuredher."Youaboutready?"Iaskedasher

gazewenttotheopendoor.

"Didyougetmycell?"sheasked,feelinginherpockets.
"Withthelaptops."
"Okay,"shesaid,goingtowardthedoorandsteppingintotheflatsIbroughtoverfromherplacefor

her."Then,well,IguessI'masreadyasIcanbe,"sheagreed,givingmeawobblysmile.

Butshedidn'tmovetowardtheopendoor.Shefrozeonthespot,herhandsdownathersides

clenchingandun-clenchingoverandover.

"Justgoingtothecar,"Itoldher,movingupandwrappingherhandinmineandgivingitasqueeze.

Shedidn'tlookupatme.Shedidn'trelax.Therewasnoremedyattachedtomytouch.Butshenoddedher
headandwemovedintothehall,pausingjustsoIcouldlockthedoorandthenmakingourwaydownthe
hall.

"No,"shesaid,hervoicealittlefranticwhenImovedtowardtheelevator.
"No?"Irepeated,browsdrawntogether.
"Stairs,"shedemanded,noddingherheadtowardthem.
Icouldfeelitthen,justasmallvibrationcomingfromherhandandmovingupmyarm.AndwhenI

lookeddown,Icouldvisiblyseehertrembling.

"Stairsitis.Thinkyoucankeepupwithme?"Iaddedaswepushedoutthedoortothefirstlanding.
"IthinkIcouldoutrunacheetahrightnow,"shesaid,takingoffdownthestairs,nearlycrushingmy

handinhersaswemadeourwaytothenextspotsheknewshecouldbreathein.

Markwatcheduscomingfromwherehewaslockedoutofmycar.Ibleepedthelocksandheturnedto

puttheshitinthetrunk.Exceptthecatwhoheleftonthehoodashegaveusabigsmile."Didheevertell
youabouthowheoncetriedtoquittrack?"heaskedasweranoverandDustygrabbeddesperatelyfor
thedoorhandleandwentinside,shuttingitwithaslamandrestingherheadbackontheheadrest,taking
deepbreaths.

"Wow,"Marksaid,thesmilefallingashewatchedherstrugglingtoevenoutherbreathing.
"Believeitornot,thisisn'tthatbad,"Isaid,takingRockyandopeningthebackdoor,puttinghim

inside,andclosingit.

"Howdoyouthinkshe'sgonnatakethenewplace?"heasked,followingmetowardtheothersideof

thecar.

"Youknow,Ithinkshe'salrightonceshe'sbehindacloseddoor.Shemightneedtotakeabathor

something,butthensheshouldsettledownandbealright.Ithinkit'sinherpowersomehowtomakeany
closedroomherownkindofcomfortzoneonceshegetsovertheshockofit."

"Alright,welllet'sgetitoverwithforher,"heagreed,cuppingmyshoulderandthenmovingoff

towardhisowncar.

Iletmyselfinsidemyown,reachingouttogiveherthighasqueeze."Okay?"
Sheexhaledhardandopenedhereyes."No,"sheadmitted."ButIwillbe."
"That'sallwecanhopefor,right?"Iasked,givingheranothersqueezebeforethrowingthecarinto

reverseandgettingamoveonalready.

"Wherearewegoinganyway?"

TWELVE

Dusty

Ahotel?
Hewastakingmetoahotel?
Imean,Ididn'tknowmuchaboutsecurityoranything,butIwasprettysurejustaboutanyonecould

walkinandoutofahotelatanytime.Right?

Wedidn'tdriverightthere,though.Ryantookalong,windingpaththatledustwotownsoutandthen

circledback,Markafewcarsbehindatalltimes.

Iguessitwouldbethereal-lifeequivalentofmakingsureyoudidn'thaveatail.Which,inaweird

way,waskindofcool.

Butthenwepulledintoasomewhatpackedparkinglottoasix-floorhotelinagorgeousgraystucco,

everythingaboutitscreaming'expensive'.IbetIcouldn'tevenaffordthecheapestroominthebuildingfor
aonenightstay.

SowhenRyanjumpedoutandthedoorattendantrushedoverinhisimmaculatesuitandtookthekey

fromRyanandaddressedhimbyname,well,Iprettymuchhadtoforcemygapingmouthclosed.

"Mr.Mallick,longtimenosee,"hesaid,ashewenttoopenthedoorforme.
"Igother,thanks,"Ryansaid,stoppinghimandlettingmetakeasomewhatdeepbreath.
Theridehaddonewonderstosootheoverthefrazzlednerves,tohelpmebreatheagain.
Quitefrankly,theabsolutelastthingIhadexpectedwhenhecamebackintohisapartmentwashim

sayingwehadtoleave.Asin...bothofus.

IguessapartofmehadsortofbeenexpectingIcouldturnRyan'sapartmentintomyownnewlittle

prison,butthistimewithahotguywhowassweetasallhellandhappytogivemeone-sidedorgasmsto
shareitwithme.

Whichwas,well,silly.
Iknewthat.
Tradingoneprisonforanotherwasn'tgoingtoworkindefinitely.Wehadeventalkedaboutitthenight

before-abouthowhewouldn'texpectmiracles,butthatwecouldworkforprogress.

And,beingforcedfromhisapartmentandstayinginaplaceIhadneverbeentobefore,whilemildly

(okay,moderatelyifnotacutely)terrifyingformewasnotthebestwaytogoaboutit,itwasstill
progress.

Myheartwasstillahummingbird'swingsinmychestandIwasqueasyandsweatyandmiserable,but

Iwasn'tdizzyandIwasn'tgaspingforbreathandIwasn'tsureIneededtomakeamaddashtothenearest
exitandrunbacktomysafetyzone.Because,well,mysafetyzonewasadecidedlyunsafeplaceright
then.Inaveryliteral,notimaginarywayImadeupinmymind.

SowhenRyanreachedinsideandofferedmehishand,Iputmyclammyoneinitandinternallyfreaked

thehelloutabouthimfeelingsaidclammyhand,butIstillclimbedoutofthecarandIstillwentwithhim
asheledmeaway.NottothebigfrontdeskareaIcouldseethroughthesparklingglassdoorsthough.He
ledmeovertowardthesideofthebuildingwheretherewasanotherentrance,moreunderstated,withthe
word"residents"overit.

Hewasaresident?
Whothehellwasaresidentofaveryexpensivehotelbuthadanapartmenttoo?Ididn'tknowaheck

ofalotaboutthetopic,butIknewresidentsofhotelspaidanarmandalegtolivethere.

"Mr.Mallick!"thegirlbehindthedeskinaveryformfittinggraydressthatwasprofessional,butclung

toherlargehipsandchestinawaythatborderedonrisquégreetedhimwithabeamingred-lipstick
smile.

AndthereIwasinleggingsandaroomysweatshirtwithoutalickofmakeuponwithbruises,

scratches,andaswollenfreakingeye.

Lovely.
IthadbeensolongsinceIworriedaboutthingslikeappearancesthattheinsecuritycameonmelikea

kicktothestomach.Iduckedmyhead,lettingmyhairfalllikeacurtainasRyangreetedthegirlbyname
andpromptlyledmeawaytowardagoldenelevatorwhereheputakeycardintotoaccess.

Itwasn'tuntilwewerenestledinsidethathespoketomeagain."Sorry,buttheelevatoristhefastest

waytothetopfloor,"hesupplied,histoneapologetic."Hey,lookatme,honey,"hedemandedamoment
laterwhenIjustkeptstudyingtheveryshinymarblefloor."Dusty,"heattemptedagain,snaggingmychin
andforcingmyfaceup."You'renotpanicking,"hesaid,asifhewasrulingoutwhatcouldpossiblybe
wrongwithme.

And,well,itwasneversmarttotellaguyyoujuststartedseeingthatyouwerehavingaboutof

insecuritybecauseofsomeprettydeskattendantatahotel.Iftherewasonethingguysweresuretohate,it
waspointlessinsecurity.

GoeswithoutsayingIthinkshe'sgorgeousifI'mdatingher,y'know?ThatwaswhatBryhadsaid

whenhebitchedaboutthegirlhewasseeingaskinghimallthetimeifhewaslookingatothergirlsand
comparinghertothem.

"I'malright,"Iallowed,listeningtothefloorsdingaswepassedthem."Rocky..."Isaid,suddenly

rememberinghimandfeelinglikeareallycrummypetowner.

"Markandtheporterwillbringeverythingup.Markhasakey,"headded.
Porter.
Youknewaplacewasfancywhentheycalledabellhopaporter.
Ilookedupaswehitalongerding,indicatingthefloorandsawthelittlereadoutsayingPH.
Penthouse?Seriously?
"Herewego,"hesaid,steppingoutintothedoorwayandholdinganarmoutforme.
Ihalf-expectedtowalkintothepenthouseitself,butitwasahallthathadadooroneachside.
"CanIaskyousomething?"Iaskedastheheavinessstartedinmychestagain.Ineededtodistract

myselfasRyanslippedthekeycardintothedooranditbleeped.

"Sure."
"Whydoyouhaveapenthouseresidenceatahotelwhenyouhaveanapartment?"
Heletoutalowchuckleasheopenedthedoorandwentinside."It'snottechnicallymine.Weall,my

brothersandmyparents,putintothisplace.Justincaseweeverneededorjustwantedaplaceaway."

Their'placeaway'wasalmostostentatious.
Thewholebackwallwasfloor-to-ceilingwindowsthatlookedovertheNavesinkRiver.Thewhole

spacehadanopenfloorplanfromthelivingspacethatfeaturedahugefireplacewithseatingroomin
frontofittothediningspacetothekitchen.Everythinghadthesamewarmtan,white,andbrownswirled
marbleastheelevatorfromthefloorstothekitchencounters.Thefurniturewasallneutrals-whiteaccent
chairs,beigecouch,mediumwoodtables.

"Comeon,youwantabath?"heasked,knowingIhadahellofamorning.Itwasalittlething,butit

meantsomethingtomeregardless.

"Yeah,"Iagreed,lettingoutalong-heldbreathashetookmyhandandledmedownthehall.
Therewasahalfbathtotherightalongwithabedroom.Buthetookmetotheleftandintothemaster

suite.IthadthesamecolorschemeandagiantbedacrossfromamassiveTVwithnowireshanging
anywhere.

Thentherewasthemasterbath.And,well,itwasthestuffofdreams.Therewasmoreofthesame

marbleonthefloorsandinthewalk-inglassshower.Therewasadoublevanitywithhugemirrorsand
overheadlighting.And,finally,thetub.IfIthoughtmysoakingtubwasnice,anditwasbecauseIspenta
lotoftimeresearchingit,thenthisonewasextraordinary.Infact,Iwasprettysurethreepeoplecouldsit
initcomfortably.Anditwasn'tawhirlpool,apersonalhatredofmine.Itwasjustamassivesoakingtub.

"OhmyGod,"Igroaned,leaningmyheadintohisarmandheletoutalittlechuckle.
"AndifI'mnotmistaken,"hesaid,releasingmyhandtogooverintothecloset."Yep.Theyhavethose

bombthingsyoulike,"hetoldme,bringingoutacrazybrightpatternedboxthatIknewonsightmusthave
beenLush."Usethemallifyouwant,"headded,handingittomeandgoingbacktofindatowelanda
robe.

So,okay,Icouldmaybegetusedtohidingoutinapenthousesuiteataswankyhotel.
Thethingsyoulearnaboutyourselfwhileontherunfromdrugdealers.
Isnortedoutloudatmyownlineofthought,makingRyan'slipstipupashewatchedme."What?"
"Nothing.Thiswholethingisjust...crazy,"Iadmitted.
"It'salittle...outoftheordinary.I'llgiveyouthat.Takeyourbath.Comebackoutwhenyou'refeeling

likeyourselfagain,"hetoldme,givingmeasmile,thenwalkingoutandclosingthedoor.

Alone,Iwastedverylittletimegettingthewaterrunningandthebombsdissolvingandmyclothesoff.
Faintly,IcouldhearRyanandMarktalking,justmuffledmasculinerumblesthatcarriedacrossthe

spacetowardmeinthesilentbathroom.

ItwasaboutthenthatIrealizedIwasalright.Iwasinanewplaceandnothingwasfamiliarandit

wasn'tmystyleandveryfewofmycomfortitemswerethere,butIwasokay.Iwasn'tlosingmymind.

Andthatwashuge.
Somuchhadchangedinjust...days.
Itfeltlikesomuchlonger,butitwasjustdays.
Ihadbeentrappedforyears.Freakingyearsofmylifeunabletomove,stuckinthesameplace

literallyandmetaphorically.

Butthestrangestthingwas,itwasn'tthatforeigntobeout.Maybebecausethemajorityofmylifewas

spenttraveling,movingaround,seeingandexperiencingnewthings.Itwasn'tlikeitwascultureshock.I
wasn'tsomepoorsoulwhowaslikeraisedinabasementandneversawtherealworld.Ithadjustbeena
while.Butitwasn'tasscaryasIthoughtitwouldbe.Iwasn'tcompletelycalm,butbecauseitwasabig
spacewithallthecomfortsofhomeanditwasn'tfullofabunchofpeople,Iwasactuallyprettycloseto

comfortableallthingsbeingsaid.

Progress.
Istayedinthebathforwhoknewhowlongbecausebathroomsseemeduniversallytoberooms

withoutclockseventhoughitwaswheremostpeoplerushedtogetreadyforworkonatimedschedule,
thentoweledoffandslidintothefluffy,softbathrobeandwalkedovertolookatmyself.

Therewasstillswelling,thoughmyliphadcompletelygonedown.Itwasmostlyaroundmyeyethat

wasstillanuglyshadeofpurple.ButtheeyelidwasmostlyopenandyoucouldonceagainseethatIdid,
infact,havetwogreeneyes.Theswellingwasmoretotheoutsideoftheeyeinanarchthatwentfrommy
eyebrowtothetopofmycheekbone.Thescratcheswerestillred,buthealedoverforthemostpart.

Notawful.
Notgreat,butnotawful.
Ipulledthedrawersofthevanityopenandfoundasealedtoothbrushalongwithpasteandsetto

brushingbeforefinallymovingoutintothebedroom.

WhereIfroze.
Thereasonforthat?
Yeah,that'dbebecauseRyanwasthere.
Notonlywashethere,hewasshirtless.
Hewassittingoffthesideofthebedwithbarefeetbuthisslacksstillon.Hewasslightlycurled

forward,hiselbowsonhisknees,lookingdown.

Imusthavegaspedorsomethingbecausehisheadshotupsuddenlyandpinnedmeinplace,theheatin

themintense.Itwasthen,too,thatIrealizedthreeotherthings.One,hehadatattoo.Itwasontheleftside
ofhischestoverhisheart-abig,boldpiecethatlookedlikeitmighthavebeenhisfamily'scoatofarms.
Two,well,themanhadagoodbody.ItwassomethingIhadimagined,buthadn'treallygottenachanceto
lookhimover.Hischestwaswide,shouldersstrong,hisabdomen,evensitting,youcouldmakeoutthe
firmlineofmuscles.Andthesmalldarktrailthatledanddisappearedintothewaistbandofhispants.Oh,
andthree,yeah,hisbuttonandzipwereundone.

Ofcourse,myfocusseemedtogoandstaythere.
Forlongenoughthatwhenmygazedriftedupwardagain,hissmilewasabitwicked,hiseyeseven

hotter.

"Comehere,honey,"hesaid,hisvoiceasexyrumbleasheraisedhisarmandhelditout,wantingme

towalktohim.

Iknewthenexactlywhatwasgoingtohappen.
Iknewit.
AndIwalkedtowarditwithouteventheslightestbitofhesitation.
Isteppedbetweenhisspreadlegsandhishandslandedoverthefluffymaterialcoveringthesidesof

mythighsanddriftedupward...theninward.Theysnaggedthesashandashiseyesdrifteduptofindmine,
hisfingerspulledandthematerialsplitdownthecenter.

Mybreathexhaledslowlyandhishandswhisperedtothecenterofmybelly,puttinghishandsflat

thereandgentlydriftingupwardbetweenmybreasts,overmychest.Hemovedslowlytostandashis
handsslippedundertheshouldersandpushedtheheavymaterialdown.Itslidovermyarms,offmy
fingertips,andpooledinasemicirclearoundmeonthefloor.

ButRyan'seyesdidn'tdrift.Hedidn'tlookmeover.
Hewatchedmyface.
Hegaugedmyreaction.
Hewantedtomakesureweweregoingatmypace.
ThemovewasuptomeandIknewit.
Myhandsmovedout,landingathiswristsandcarefullyslidingupwardoverthecordedmusclesofhis

forearmsandbiceps,restingonhisstrongshouldersforamomentashiseyelidsgotevenheavier,then
movingdownoverhispecs.Myfingertracedtheoutlineofhiscoatofarmsforalongmomentbeforemy
handsflattenedagainandsliddownthesidesofhisabs,watchinginfascinationasthemusclestensed
beneathmytouch.Theysettledonhiships,fingerssnaggedunderthewaistbandsofhispantsandwhat
seemedtobeboxerbriefsasmygazemovedbackuptohisface.

Then,Iguessseeingnouncertaintyinmyface,hishandsmoveddowntomywristsanddidthesame

slowexplorationupwardthendown.Exceptwhentheydrifteddownfrommyshoulders,hispalmsclosed
overmybreasts.

Mybreathwhimperedoutofme,mybreastsswelling,mynippleshardeningintotightpointsagainst

him,andwetpoolingbetweenmythighs.

God,ithadbeenso,solong.
Hishandsslidsohisfingertipswereatmysidesandhisthumbsmovedcirclesaroundmynipplesfor

alongminutebeforetrappingthembetweenhisthumbsandforefingersandrollingthemwithafirm,
almostpainfulpressure.

Mysextightenedhardandmyhandspulledatthematerialkeepingtherestofhisbodyfromme.The

slacksandboxerbriefsfellandhesteppedoutofthem.Hishandsreleasedmybreastsandwentaroundto
myback,slidingdownuntilhewascuppingmybottom,thenhaulingmywholefronttohisashislips
crasheddownonmine.

Hiscockpressedagainstmybelly,promisingthings,nottheleastamongthem-completefulfillment,

stretchingmelikeIhadneverbeenbefore.

Histonguemovedinsidetoclaimmineasoneofhishandssliddownmythightosnagmyknee,

haulingitupandplacingitnexttohiship,allowinghiscocktoslidebetweenmyfoldsandstrokeupward
topressintomyclit.Imoanedagainsthislipsandhepulledback,eyeswatchingme,thenstrokedhimself
againstmeagain.

ThenhewasswitchingourpositionssoIwastheonewiththeirlegsagainstthebedandhepushedme

downwardontoit,pressingintomyshouldersuntilIwasacrossitlongways.Hewentdownonhisknees
infrontofme,grabbingmykneesandpressingthemopenwideagainstthemattress.

Ifelthisscrufffirst,scratchingupmyinnerthigh.Thenhislipsastheypressedsoftkissesupthe

sensitiveskin.Therewasthebarestofpauseswhenhislipsmetthecreaseofmythighbeforehismouth
closedovermyclitandsuckedhard.Icriedout,myhandslammingagainstthebackofhishead,myhips
archingupintothebrilliant,almostblindingpleasureashistonguestartedworkingmeintortuouslyslow
circles.Hishandstrokedupmyotherthighashecontinuedtodevourme,movinglowandpressinga
fingerinsideme,thrustinglazilyforalongminutebeforeanotherfingerjoinedandthepressurebecame
toointense,tooacutelysimilartopain.

AndIshattered.
Hisnamecriedoutfrombetweenmylipsashekeptlicking,keptthrusting,draggingitout,milkingit

forallitwasworth.

Myhandlessenedonhisheadandhismouthreleasedme,buthisfingersstayedinsideme,still,but

there.Hekissedupthetriangleabovemysex,mybelly,lickedbeneatheachswellofmybreasts,then
closedhislipsaroundmynippleandworkedhistonguearoundituntil,althoughitseemedimpossible,it
tightenedfurther.Hewentacrossmychesttocontinuethetormentasthedesirebuiltagain,asmysex
tightenedagain.

Andthatwasexactlywhenhisfingersstartedthrustingoncemore.Butnotslowandsoftandsweet-

fast,rough,primal.

Hisheadraised,watchingmeashedrovemeupwardagainfast-toofast.
Butbeforethewavescouldcrashovermeagain,Ilosthisfingersashesatback,hiskneesattheedge

ofthebed,andslippedhisfingersinsidehismouth,lickingthetasteoffbeforereachingintothenightstand

andpullingoutacondom,makingeasyworkofprotectingusbeforehishandsstartedstrokingupmy
thighs,mysides,mybreasts.

Hecurledoverme,onearmslidingundermybodyandmovingmeuntilIwasfullyonthebedand,

onceIwas,hecamefullyoverme,bracinghisweightonhisarms.

Myfingerssliduphisarm,thesideofhisneck,restingjustunderhisjaw,ashiscockpressedagainst

meanddidastroke.

Then,beforeIevenfelthimpullbackandaway,hiscockslidinsidemeinonelong,thick,slow

stroke.

Therewasaslightburningpinchashestretchedme,unusedtotheinvasionaftersolong,butwhenhe

pressedintothehiltandstilled,hiseyesonmine,bodiesconnected,nothinghadeverfeltmoreright,
moreperfect.

Ihadexpectedsoftandsweet,likeeverythingelsehadbeenbetweenus.
Butthesecondhewasinsidemeandoureyesheldeachothers-somethingseemedtoovertakeusatthe

sametime.Itwassomethingwild,primal,desperate.

Hepulledoutandslammedbackintomeandmyhipsrosetomeethim.Justhardatfirst,thenboth

hardandfast.Ourbreathingwentshallow,ourbodiesseemedtobattle,bothdesperateforvictory.My
whimpersbecamemoansthatwereloudtoevenmyownearsandhissilencebecamehissesandgruntsof
needasIstartedtotightenaroundhim,ashegotimpossiblyharderinsideme.

Heslammedforwardonemoretimeandtheworldwentwhiteforasecondasanorgasmmoreintense

thanIknewwaspossiblestartedwherewemetandexplodedoutwarduntilitseemedtoencompassmy
entirebody.Hisnamescreamedfrommylipsandminehissedfromhisasheburieddeep,jerkingupward
ashecamewithme.

Again,perfect.
Hisheadtuckedintomyneck,stayingthereforalongtimewhilehisbreathingevenedout.Hepressed

akisstherebeforepushingup,eyesheavy,butassessing."Okay?"heasked,balancingononearmsohe
couldbrushastrandofmyhairoutofmyface.

"No,"Isaidshakingmyhead,watchingashiswholefacetensed."Notokay.That'snotevencloseto

howgoodIfeelrightnow,"Iadmitted,smileasIwatchedhimexhalehardandrelaxagain.

"Letmeupforaminute,honey,"hedemandedanditwasaboutthenthatIrealizedmylegswere

crossedaroundhishipsandmyarmsoverhisupperback.

Iloosenedmygripandheslidoutofme,plantingakisstomyforeheadbeforetakinghisfeetand

walkingtothebathroom.

Alone,Iscootedupthebedandslidunderthesheetsandcomforter,rollingontomysidefacingthe

bathroomdoortoshamelesslywatchhimwalkbackoutamomentlater,completely,gloriouslynaked
towardme.

Hegottothesideofthebed,liftedthesheets,slidin,andproppedupagainstthepillows.Hisarmslid

beneathme."Comehere,Dusty,"hesaid,hisvoicesoft.

And,well,whenahotasallsinmanwentdownonyou,screwedyoublind,deaf,anddumb,andthen

demandedyoucuddleupwithhim,youcuddledupwithhim.

Ipracticallyflewathimandhisarmwrappedaroundmylowerback,holdingtightastheotherhand

siftedthroughmyhairanddriftedlazilyupanddownmyback.

"Alright,Ithinkit'stime,"hesaidoddly,pullingmeoutofadreamy,almostsleepyhaze.
"Time?"Irepeated,runningmyfingersoverhiscoatofarmsagain,tracingthelettersofhislastname.
"ToldyouIwouldtellyouaboutmyscarsandmypastandmyfamily,"hewenton,makingmesnap

fullyawake.

"Oh,right,"Isaid,placingakisstohischest."Okay.Layitonme,"Isaid,tryingtobelightbecausehe

hadtensedabitunderme.

WhateverImighthavebeenexpecting,though,didn'tevencomeclosetothetruth.

THIRTEEN

Ryan

Ineverhadtohavethe'talk'before.
Ididn'tmeantherelationshiptalkorthe'we'reonlyfuckingeachotherandyou'reonthePill'talkor

eventhe'thisisn'tgoingtoworkout'talk.

Imeantthetruthaboutmylifestyletalk.
Becausefactofthematterwas,IeitherneverhadawomanaroundlongenoughthatIneededtoexplain

ittoherorshejustknewfromthejump.Myfamily'sreputationwasn'texactlysecretaroundNavesink
Bank.Andwhilewealldidhavelegitimatebusinesses,hadreputationsotherthanthefamilybusiness,
factofthematterwas,wewouldalwaysbeseenasloansharksandloansharkenforcersbeforewewould
beseenasgymownersorjewelrystoreownersortattooartists.

"Whateveritiscan'tbequiteasnutsasbeinganagoraphobicinvolvedwithdrugdealers,"shewent

onwhenIdidn'timmediatelyspeak.

Iwasn'tashamedofmylife,myfamily,howwemadeourmoney.Farfromactually.ButIwasfinding

thewordshardtobringforth.

And,Irealizedwithanalmostblindingclarity,itwasbecauseitmatteredthistime.Shematteredthis

time.

GettinginvolvedwithBryandhisproblemsaside,shewasn'tthetypeofgirlwhoendedupwitha

fuckingloansharkenforcer.Shetaughtkindergarten.Ihadhardlyheardherevenfuckingcurse.Shewas
goodandsweetandclean.

Allthethingsmylifewasn't.
Butfactofthematterwas,therewasnoputtingitoff.Dustywasn'tsomeonenightthing.Shewasn'ta

fling.Shewasn'teveninthesameballparkasthosewomen.

Shemattered.
Iwantedher.
Iwantedherinamorepermanentway.

Andshehadgivenmeherstoryandshehadgivenmeherbody.
Itwastimeformetogivehermystory.
Whatevertheconsequences.
Itookadeepbreathandgaveherasqueeze.
"Myfather,brothers,andIallownbusinesses.Wearelegitimatebusinessmen.Butthatisn'tallwe

are."

"Okay,"shesaid,notsoundingasnervousasIthoughtshemight,especiallygiventhetensioninmy

voice.

"Myfatherisandhasalwaysbeenaloanshark."
Rightthen,shedidthedamnedestthing.Shefuckingsnorted.
WhenIdidn'tsayIwaskidding,shepushedup,bigsmileinplace,herhairfallingforward."You're

serious?Aloanshark?Likea'yougivemeyourmoneyorIbreakyourkneecaps'kindofloanshark?"

Hersmilewassoinfectiousthatmyownlipstwitched.ButitwasseriousandIneededherto

understand."That'sexactlywhatImean,honey,"Iagreed."AndallmybrothersandI,exceptHunt,all
workforhim."

Thesmileslippedashereyeswentthoughtful,herbrowsdrawingtogethersotwolittlelinesformed

abovehernose."Workforhimhow?"

"We'reenforcers,"Iadmitted.
Thereitwasoutthere.
Shepausedforalongsecond,searchingmyface,lookingforhumor,butfindingnone."Soan

enforcer..."

"Doesthekneecapbreaking,"Ifilledinforher.
Hertonguemovedout,wettingherlips,andittookafuckuvalotofself-controltonotthrowherback

ontothebedandfuckheruntilsheforgotIsaidanythingaboutmyfamily.

"Seriously?"
"Well,notexactly.Therereallyisn'tawholehelluvalotofkneecapbreakingthesedays.Iwon'tsayit

neverhappens,butit'srare."

"Youbeatpeopleup?"sheasked.Icouldseethegearsturning,couldseeherputtingthepieces

together-myscars,thewayIfought,myknowingaboutpatchingupinjuries.

"Onoccasion.It'susuallynotmedoingmuchofthebeating,butithappens."
"Whodoesthen?"sheasked,notsoundinghorrified.Ifanything,shejustseemed...curious."Ican't

pictureMarkhittingpeople.He'sso...laidback."

"HedoesmoreofitthanIdo,butnotbymuch."
Shepausedthen,shakingherhead."NotEli.Comeon!Hebondedwithmycat!Hegavehimfoodoff

ofhisplate."

"RememberwhenElifirstwalkedin,whenhegotalookatyourfaceandhefrozeandwentallcreepy

andsilent?"

Shepressedherlipstogetherslightlyatthatandnodded."Yeah,thatwasalittleweird."
"Eliwasnevermeanttobeviolent.Butwewereraisedtoknowthatourfamilybusinessinvolved

violence,thatwewereallexpectedtofollowinourfather'sfootsteps.SoEliwas,inaway,forcedtobe
somethinghewasn't.Andbecauseofthat,whenhegetsangry,it'snothinglikeyou'veeverseenbefore.It's
brutalandprimalandfreakyasallhelltosee.Eliisthelastresort,whenwe'veexhaustedallother
efforts."

"Theseothereffortswouldincludeyourotherbrother,right?Shane?He'stheonewhodoesmostof

the...enforcing?"

"Forthemostpart,yeah.He'sgoodatit.Hecankeepcontrolbutstilldodamagewithoutlosinghis

fuckingmind."Shewatchedmeforalongminute,asortofmaskdownoverherface,makingher

unreadableforalongtime."Tellmewhat'sgoingoninthere,"Idemanded,tappinghertemple.

Sheshruggedalittleatthat."I'mjustwrappingmyheadaroundit.Haveyoueverbeenarrested?"
"No,honey."
"ButIassumethecopsaroundhereknowaboutwhatyouguysdo..."
"Forthemostpart,yeah."
"Noneofyourbrothershavebeen..."
"No,"Icutheroff."Well,notforbusinessreasonsanyway."
Despitetheheavysituation,herlipstippedupattheside."Whatforthen?"
"Drunkanddisorderlymostly.ShaneandMarkusedtoyuckitupsomethingfierceandoneofuswould

havetohaulitdowntothestationandpullthenoutofthedrunktankandbringthemhome.Hasn't
happenedsincetheywereintheirtwenties,butithappened.Morethanonce.Morethanhalfadozentimes
actually."

"Ifyouallhaveotherbusinessesandyouaredoingwell,thenwhydoyouguysstilldotheloanshark

thing?"

ThatwasavalidquestionandoneIdidn'treallyhaveasatisfactoryanswerto.Why?Tradition,maybe

mightbeappropriatetosay.Itwassomethingmyfatherbuiltfromthegroundup.Theonlyreasonwe
couldalleventuallyhavethingslikeourownbusinesseswasbecauseofalltheworkheputintoit,the
moneythatwaseverypennyhehadintheworldthatheloanedoutwithinterestandthencollectedon.It
hadn'talwaysbeeneasy.Inthoseearlydays,hewaspinchingpennies.Heandmymomstruggled.Then
thefiveofuscameandaddedtothestrain.Buthefinallystartedtodowell,hiredotherstohelphim,and
whenwewereoldenough,weallwantedin.

"Idon'thaveagoodanswerforthat,honey.It'sjusthowitis.AndIwon'tlietoyouandsayitisgoing

tochange,thatIwillreformorsomeshit.ThisiswhoIam.ThisiswhatIdo.Idon'tseethatever
changing."

Apartofmewantedtoreassureher,tellherImightgiveitup,Imightgostraight,Imightjustbelike

anyothernormalbusinessman.Butifwhatwehadbetweenuswasgoingtowork,weneededtoberaw
andhonestwitheachother.

Shegavemethetruthaboutherandheranxietyandagoraphobia.Shehadn'ttriedtosayshewouldbe

completelynormaloneday,shewouldneverhaveanotherpanicattackagain,shecouldbesomeoneshe
wasn't.Likewise,Icouldn'ttellherIcouldbesomeoneIwasn't.

ItwastrulyasituationwheresheneededtotakemeasIam.
Andtherewasalargepartofmethatwasgenuinelyconcernedshemightnotpickme,shemight

changehermindanddecidethatIwasn'tworthpossiblesleeplessnightswhensheknewIwaschasing
downaclientorthesick-stomachfeelingwhenIcamehomebloodiedandbruised.

Shehadeveryrighttowantbetterforherself.
AndIwouldjusthavetoacceptthat.
"Sowhenyou'reoldandwrinklyandhavearthritis..."
"Ifyoumetmyfather,youwouldknow'oldandwrinkly'isn'tsomethingIhavetoworryabout."
"Silverfox,huh?"sheasked,givingmeasaucylittlesmile.
Isidesteppedthat,noonewantingtothinkoftheirfatheralongthoselines.ButwecouldagreethatI

hadafullheadofhairandgoodbonestructuretolookforwardto.AndsolongasIkeptmyselfinshape,I
figuredIwouldbeabletoownthe'silverfox'titlewhenIwasolder."Iimagine,bythen,thebusiness
mighthaveevolvedtonotincludethatanymoreor,possibly,thekidsmighttakeover."

"Kids,"sheprompted,seemingtotenseslightlyatthat.
"Yeah,kids,"Iagreed,browsdrawingtogether.
"Youwantkids?"
"Hellyeah,Iwantkids,"Isaid,givingherasmile."Igrewupwithfourbrothers,Dusty.Itwaschaotic

andloudandfrustratingandprivacydidn'texistandyouhadtodevelopathickskinbothliterallyand
figurativelybecausethephysicalandverbalbeatdownsneverletup,butIwouldn'thavewanteditany
otherway.Ialwayshadpartnersincrimeandnowthatwe'readults,wealwayshaveeachother'sbacks
andwecanalwaysleanononeanother.Iwouldwantmyownwildandcrazyfamilyonedaytoo."

Hergazefellfrommine,lookingatmychest.
"Doyouwantkids?"Iaskedwhenthesilencestretchedlongenoughtoalmostbeuncomfortable.
Shedidn'tlookupandansweredmychestinsteadofmyface."Ialwaysusedto."
"Whyusedto?"
Shelaughedhumorlesslyatthat."BecauseIcan'tgetpregnantwhenIcan'tleavemyhouse.Ican'tgoto

thedoctororthehospitalorschoolconferencesorsportspractices.Itwouldbe...unfairtoputmymental
illnessontoakid."

"Honey,there'snoonewhocanpredictthefuture.There'snoonewhocansaydefinitivelythatyou

willalwaysbestuckinyourhouse,thatyouwillalwaysneedacomfortzone.Peoplefightbackagainst
theiragoraphobiaeverydayandwin.Theyrebuildtheirlivesandtheymakeconnections.Theyfallin
love.Theyhavekids."

"Yeah,butthere'snotellingthatthatishowitisgoingtogoforme."
"No,"Iagreed."ButIthinkyou'realittleyoungtolosehopeintherestofyourlife.AndIthinkyouare

notseeinghowmuchthingshavechangedforyoujustinacoupleweeks."

"I'veonlybeenoutofyourapartmentfor..."
"Thenightofthecarbonmonoxideleak,Dusty.Youfreakedandyoudidn'tlikeit,butyoudidstayin

mycarandyoudidcalmdown.ThenyouboughtmeaChristmaspresentandleftitoutsidemydoor.You
letmeinonChristmas.Thenyoudidn'tevenhesitateaboutcomingtomyapartment.Andtotopallofthat
off,you'reinafuckinghotelroomwithmenow,outofyourcomfortzone,recentlyfuckedforthefirsttime
inwhoknowswhen,butstillcalm.Thesethingsaren'tsmall.Youcan'tlookathowfaryouhavetogoand
getdiscouraged.Lookbackandseehowfaryou'vecomeinstead."

Shetookacoupleslow,deepbreathsandlookedupatmeslowly."Three."
"I'msorry?"Iasked,strokingahanddownherspine,feelingmycockstiffenslightlywhenshe

shiveredatmytouch.

"Threeyears."
"I'mgonnaneedmorethanthat,honey."
"That'showlongit'sbeen.SinceI've...youknow."
"Beenfucked?"Isupplied,givingherahugesmilewhensheactuallyfuckingblushed."Likethat

you'resweetandeverything,Dusty,butyou'regoingtobeconstantlyredinthefaceiftheword'fucking'
makesyouuncomfortable."

"It'snottheword,"sheobjected,givingmeastrangesmileIcouldn'tquiteinterpret.
"Whatthen?Thetime?"Iaskedandhergazedroppedforasecondbeforecomingbackup.Sothatwas

it."Ididn'tfigureyou'dbeenhavingatonofguysovertosleepwith,Dusty.Iknewithadbeenawhile."

"Awhileislike...eightmonths,ayearatthemost..."
"Bywhosestandard?Everyonefucksdifferently.Somewilltakehomewhoeverthehellsmilesatthem

andtellsthemthey'rehot.Othersneedtobeinlove.Somedon'tdoitatalluntiltheymarry.Whatthefuck
doesitmatterhowlongit'sbeen?Becauseifthisissomeinsecuritything?Likemaybeyouthinkyou're
outofpracticeorsomeshitlikethat,"Isaid,watchingasshewentredder.Thatwasexactlyit.Ofallthe
asininethings.Butthatwaswhatheranxietydid-itmademountainsoutofmolehills."Thenletmego
aheadandgetthisoutofthewayandeaseyourmindabit."

"Ryan,no.It'sfine..."shesaid,shakingherhead.
"Nope.It'snotfine.IgotawomaninbedwithmethatIwasjustinsideacoupleminutesagoandshe

thinksshewassomehowdisappointing.Thatshitwillneverbefine.Lookatme,"Idemanded,myvoicea

littlemorefirmthanusual,butshestilldidn'traisehereyes.Ireachedoutandsnaggedherchin,dragging
itup."You'renotoutofpractice.Andyousureasfuckarenotadisappointment.Infact,whatwejusthad
righthere,thatwasthebestI'veeverhad.Andnotjustbecausethewayyouscreammynamemakesit
hardnottocomerightthenandthereorthatyouhavethesweetestpussyI'veevertasted,butbecauseit
meantsomething,okay?Thatmeantsomething.Sodon'tbegoingandtearingitdownandmakingituglyor
somethingtobeworriedabout.Okay?Dusty?"

Sheblinkedhardafewtimes,tryingtomaketheglisteningIsawtheregoawaybeforeturningherface

andkissingmyhand."Okay."

"Sothat'ssettled.Backtotheoriginalquestion.Youwantkids?"
Shegavemeasmallsmileatthat."Yes.Iwantkids."
"Oneoralitter?"
Tothat,shelaughed."Asanonlychildwhohadveryfewfriendsgrowingup,Iwouldwantmykidsto

havesiblingssotheycouldalwayshaveabuddyaround."

"Soundslikeagoodplan.So,nottokillthelesstensemoodwegotgoingonrightnow.ButIfigurewe

needtogetthisoutoftheway.What'sgoingoninyourheadaboutmyjob?"

Shewentthoughtfulatthat."IknowI'msupposedtobefreakedaboutit..."
"But?"
"But,you'vebeennothingbutgoodtome.Yourbrothershavebeengoodtome.You'rethefirstpersonI

havecomeacrossinalongtimewhodoesn'tmakemeanxious.Ithinkthegoodisoutweighingthebad
rightnow."

"Ijustwanttomakesureyouknowwhatyou'regettingintohere."
"Iunderstandthesituation,"shesaid,givingmeasmallnod.
"Andyouknowit'snotgoingtochange,"Ipressed.
Tothat,shelaughedalittle."I'mabiggirl,Ryan.Ihavelongagofiguredoutthatyoucan'tchange

peopleorsituations.Youhavetotakethemastheyare.Andinyou'recase,I'dbehappyto."

Oh,shit.
IknewrightthenandtherethatIwasintrouble,thatthingshadgottenserious.Becausehearinghersay

shewouldbehappytotakemeasIwas,yeah,therewasafeelinginmychestthat,whileIhadn't
experienceditbefore,Iknewitforwhatitwas.

"What'sthatlookfor?"sheasked,headtippedtotheside,watchingme.
"Whatlook?"
"Youlook...anxious,"shesaidwithasmile."Iknowthatlookintimately.Andyouhaveit."Thenher

facefellalittle."Wasthat,um,toomuch?Imean,Ican..."

"Shush,"Isaid,reachingupandputtingafingertoherlips."Itwasn'ttoomuch.It'sjust...newforme."
"Yeah,well,yourapartmentdoesseemtosuggestthatawomanhasn'tstayedinitformorethananight

ortwo."

"What'swrongwithmyapartment?"
"Gotapenandpaper?Thiscouldtakeawhile."
Ilaughedatthat,rollingherontoherbackandkissingheruntilsheforgotallaboutpenandpaperand

complaintsandgrievancesaboutmyapartment.

"Youcandowhateveryouwanttoit,"Isaidafterandwatchedassheblinkedupatme,eyelidsheavy,

lipsswollenforalltherightfuckingreasons.

"DowhateverIwanttowhat?"sheasked,voicebreathyandthesoundshotrighttomydick.
"Tomyapartment,honey.Whenwegetbackthere,feelfreetosettlein."
"Ryan,we'veonlyknowneachotheracouple..."
"Andit'senough,"Icutheroff.
"Enoughforwhat?"

"EnoughformetoknowI'mseriousaboutgivingthisatry.Youcan'tgivesomethingasolidtryifyou

don'twelcomesomeoneintoyourlife.Takesomeclosetspace.Takesomedrawers.Bringoveryour
knickknacks.Hirefuckingpainters,Idon'tcare."

"Ryan,Ihavemyownapartment..."
"AndyoucankeepituntilyoufeelasseriousaboutmeasI'mfeelingaboutyou.Igetyouneedthat

safetynet.Butmakenomistake,ifthisgoesthewayIwantitto,thatapartmentisgoingtohavesomeone
elselivinginitprettyfuckingsoon."

Thensheleaneddown,hidingwhatwasasweet,shylittlesmileandpinkcheeks,andplantedakiss

rightintothecenterofthelastnameonmyfamily'scoatofarms.

Ididn'tthinkshesawitlikeIdid,butthatwasalltheproofIneeded.Shecouldhavekissedmylips,

mycheek,myneck,thecenterofmychest.Butshechosetokisstheemblemofmyfamily,thethingthat
representedallIwas.

Thatwaswhy,whenshefinallypassedout,Iclimbedoutofbedandmadeacouplephonecalls,

makingaplantomeetmyfatherandbrothers.Thenafterthat,Icalledthegirls.

Becauseifwewantedafuture,Ihadtosettleherpast.
Assoonasfuckingpossible.

FOURTEEN

Dusty

IwokeupearlythenextmorningtoRyanleaningdownwheretheblanketmusthavefallendownand

suckingmynippleintohismouth.

Tosayitwasanunexpectedandpleasantwaytobewokenupwouldbeanunderstatement.
Feelingmybodyjerk,hereleasedtheonewet,hardenednippleandlookedupatme,devilishsmilein

place,thenmovedtotakemyothernippleintohismouth.

"Ryan,I..."Istarted,wantingtosaythatIneededtobrushmyteethbeforeanythingwentanyfurther.

Morningbreathkisses,yeah,theywereneversexy.Fromthelooksofhim,hehadbeenupforawhileand
likelyalreadyhadachancetobrush.

"Needmetogetatasteofthatsweetpussyagain?"heasked,givingmeanod."Iknow,honey.That's

whatI'mherefor."

Withthat,histonguetraceddownthecenterofmychest,pullingtheblanketsdownandcontinuing

downmystomach.And,really,whenamansaidsomethinglikethatfirstthinginthemorningwhenyou
weretoosleep-wearytoevenmustertheenergytoobject,youlethimdowhathepleased.Especially
seeingasbydoingthat,hewaspromisinganothermind-numbing,soul-crushingorgasm.

Assoonashewasdonewiththat,though,Irealizedhewasnowhereneardone.Icametothat

conclusionbecausehesatbackonhisheelsandhiscockwashardandstraining,abeadofprecumatthe
tip,andpromiseinhiseyes.Thenhejumpedbacktotheedgeofthebed,gettinghisfeetonthefloor,and
reachinguptosnagmyankles,draggingmedowntowardhim.HereachedouttothesideofmewhereI
sawhehadalreadytossedacondom.

Butfirst...
Icurledupward,myhandssinkingintohiships,thehighbedputtingmeattheperfectangletoleanin

andlickthewetnessoff.Heletoutahissofbreath,hishandgoingbehindmyhead."Fuck,Dusty,"he
growledasclosedmylipsclosedaroundtheswollenheadandmoveddownhissolidlength,takinghim
asdeepastheanglewouldallowthenmovingbackup,raisingmyeyestoseehis-intense,hungry.

IforgothowmuchImissedthingslikethis-likehavingaman'spleasurecompletelyatyourmercy.To

knowyoucouldmakethemlosecontrol,fallapart,curseoutyournamelikeanoath.

"Fuck,honeythatfeelsgood,"hegroanedand,asifprovinghispoint,Icouldfeelhimgrowingharder

inmymouthasIworkedhim."ButIneedtobeinsideyou.Rightnow,"headdedasIheardthecondom
foilripandhepulledmebackwardbymyhair.IsuckedashardasIcoulduntilhewasoutofmymouth
andheshookhisheadatmeashereachedforhiscockandslidthecondomon.

Iwenttolaybackdown,buthereachedoutandgrabbedme,pullingmeupontomyfeetandmovingto

sithimselfdown,turningmeandpullingmeuntilmybackwastohisfront."Likethis,"hetoldmeandI
feltmysextightenandmybellyflutter.

Ihadneverbeenaprudeorun-experimental,andwhileitwasapositionIhadseeninprettymuch

everypornIhadeverseen,itwasn'toneIhadevertriedbefore.

Therewasamomentaryworryaboutmylegsnotbeingabletoholdmeforlongwhilehedroveme

towardorgasmbeforeIfelthimreachbetweenusandthenslideallthewayin.

Then,well,itwasjustinstinctandneed.
Imovedagainsthim,onearmcurlingupandaroundthebackofhisneck,theotherpressingintohis

thightokeepbalanceashehitplacesIhadneverfeltbefore,createdsensationsIhadn'tknownexisted.
AndwhenmymovementsgoterraticandsloppythecloserIgot,Ryan'shandswenttomyhipsandguided
me.Thenjustlikethat,hisbreathinmyear,hisbodybeneathandbehindme,Icame,cryingouthisname.

Icouldbarelylosemyselfinthewavesbeforehewasup,flippingmeontomybellyonthemattress,

draggingmyhipsupwithhishands,andplowingintome.

Itwasfast,hard,relentless,borderlinebrutal,thesoundsofourbodiesslammingtogetherfillingthe

air,mixingwithhiscursingandmymoaningasoneorgasmseemedtoberollingrightintoanother.Thenit
did,andmycrywaslouderthantheonesbefore.

"Oh,myGod,"IgroanedasIcamebackdown,pantinghard,myentirebodyfeelingslick,mylimbs

heavyanduseless.

"Notdonewithyouyet,"heinformedmeandIrealizedhewasstillrockhardinsideme.
"Ican't..."Iobjected,shakingmyhead.Iwasprettysurethreewasmylimit.
"Wannabet?"heasked,pullinghalfwayoutofme,grabbingbothofmylegsandpushingmeupthebed

slightly,cockingmylegsatanangletooneside,thenslamminginsidemeagain.

Icurledmyupperbodytomatchmylower,lookingupathimwhilehedroveinsideme.Idecidedright

thenandtherethattherewasnosexierimageintheworld.Everymuscleinhisbodywastensedand
corded,hiseyesheavy.Oneofhishandsheldmylegshowhewantedthem;theotherreachedupand
squeezedmybreastashishipsslammedupagainstme,pressingasdeepaspossibleeachtime.

Iwassuretherewasnothingmoreamazingthanseeingamanonthebrinkofoblivionasheslammed

insideyou,wantingtobringyoutoclimaxforthefourthtimebeforehefoundhisown.

Thenjustlikethat,Ifoundhewonthebet.
Icame,myentirebodyconvulsinghardasheslammedalmostpainfullydeepandcamewithmyname

onhislips.

AssoonasIcamebackdown,myeyeslookeduptofindhimpantinghard,butasmilepulledathis

lips."Toldyouso,"hesaidasheslappedmyasshardthenslidoutofme,givingadeliciouslittlepinchat
thesorenessthere,asorenessIwassureIwouldfeelalldayanytimeIsatdown.

Somehow,Ireallylikedtheideaofthat.
HemovedofftothebathroomandIforcedmynumb,lifelesslimbstocarrymeacrossthebedwhereI

snaggedtherobewehaddiscardedthenightbefore,pullingitupasIsatoffthesideofthebedand
wrappingitaroundme.

Ryancamebackoutaminutelater,notnakedlikeIhadexpected,butinhisslacksandablackbutton-

upthathehadleftopenashecametowardmewithasoftsmile,grabbingthesidesofmyrobeandpulling

metomyfeetbythem.

"Don'tworry,Iorderedbreakfastsoyoucangetyourstrengthback,"hesaid,soundingverypleased

withhimselfandhisprowess.Which,well,heshould.

"Food.Therebetterbecoffeewiththat,"Iaddedashetuckedonesideoftherobeundertheotherand

pulledupthesash,effortlesslytyingit.

"Wouldn'tletyoudown,"hesaid."Goshowerandwhatnotandmeetmeoutinthekitchen."
IhadnoideathatwhenIshowered,brushed,changedintojeansandalightweightwhitesweater,that

whenIwalkedoutintothekitchen,hewouldhaveabombtodroponme.

Iwasonesipintomycoffeewhenheannouncedthathehadtoleaveforawhile.
Which,well,wasfine.Hehadalife.Hehadbusinesses.Hehademployees.Itwastobeexpectedthat

hewouldneedtogetbacktothem.

"ButIdidn'twanttoleaveyoualoneallday."
Ifeltasmilepullatmylipsatthat."Hi,havewemet?I'mDustyandI'vebeenlockedinmyapartment

allbymyself,Rockyaside,foryears."

Hegavemeaghostofasmileatthat."Yeah,butthatwasyourapartment.Thisisahotelroomyou're

notcomfortableinyet."

"Ryan,really,Imightbeabitofanervousnellie,butI'mabiggirl."
Hesuckedinabreaththen,givingmeanapologeticsmile."I'mafraidit'stoolate..."
"Toolateforwhat?IsEliorMarkcomingtohangoutorsomething?"Iasked,notentirelyopposedto

either.

Sometimeduringmyshower,soreinmusclesIhadn'tusedinages,havingbeardburnacrossmychest,

belly,andinnerthighsanddecidingIlikedthatwaytoomuch,Ilikedhimwaytoomuchtoruinit,I
decidedtomakesomekindofactionplanlikemyshrinkalwaystoldmeabouttohelpmeprogress,toget
better.Ididn'tgetachancetofleshitoutbeyondthatthought,butIfiguredsocializingwithhisfamilywas
astepforward.IfIcouldgetcompletelycomfortablewiththem,thenIcouldmaybebeokaywiththeidea
ofpossiblyhandlingafamilyfunction.

Thatwouldbehuge.
"EliandMarkhavesomethingtheyneedtodowithmetodayactually.So,ah..."
Okay,seeinghimalittlestressedwascharming.ButIknewhowthatfeltsoIlethimoutofhismisery.

"Whothen?"

"FeeandLea.They'reHunterandShane'swomen.They'vebeenwantingtomeetyouandIthought..."

hetrailedoff,sighing."Iprobablyshouldhaveaskedfirst,butIinvitedthem."

Okay.
Thatwasokay.
Noreasontofreak.
Itwasn'tliketheywereinterviewingmeasapotentialfamilymemberoranything.Except,let'sget

real,theytotallywouldbe.

Ihadamomentarypangoflongingforastashofmakeup.Somecoverupforthebruises,somelipstick,

anything.

"Dusty,they'reprettychillchicks,okay?There'snothingtofreakoutabout.Feeisgoingtoshowup

dressedlikeshesteppedoutofafuckingfashionmagazinebecausethat'showsheisandLeaisgonnabe
injeans,tee,andcombatbootsbecausethat'showsheis.They'rebothgoingtocursealotandlikelymake
highlyinappropriatesexualjokesbecausethat'swhattheydo.Butthey'renotgoingtopokeandprodat
youaboutanything.Theybothhavepaststoo."

Itookadeepbreath,figuringIcoulddealwithalittlecursingandsexualremarks.Imean,hissister-

in-lawranaphonesexbusiness.Thatwaskindofexpected.

"Alright,"IsaidwithanodasIforcedmyselftoeatmyfood.

Infact,themoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreinterestedIgot.Iwantedtoknowabouthisfamily

dynamic.Iwantedtoseethepeoplehelovedsodeeply.Andmaybeapartofmetoowasexcitedabout
theideaofbeingaroundsomewomenforachange.Mylifehadbeenhyper-masculinesinceIstopped
beingabletoleavemyhouse.Asidefrommyseeingthewomanwholivedbelowmegoaboutherdaily
life,andthesessionswithmyshrink,Iliterallyhadnocontactwithwomen.IhadmyuncleandBry.Ihad
thelandlordwhenIoccasionallyneededhim.NowIhadRyanandabitofEliandMark.Itwouldbekind
ofnicetohavesomegirltalkagain.

"Youalright?You'requiet."
Ismiledupathim,havingmomentarilyforgottenhewasactuallythere."Sorry.Quietisstillmy

default,"Iadmitted."I'mnotusedtohavingsomeonearoundtotalkto.I'mfine.Whenaretheycoming?"

"Knowingthem,fifteenminutesearlierthanIplanonthembeinghere.Justtobepainsintheass.

ThoughFeetendstorunmoretowardlatewiththekidsnow."

"Oh,"Isaid,feelinganotherlittlethrill."Arethekidscoming?"Iasked,hearingtheeagernessinmy

ownvoice.

Youdidn'tgointoteachingkindergartenifyoudidn'tlikekids.Theywereloudandcrazyandstressful

andunpredictableandnoteveryonefoundthosequalitiescuteandendearing.I,forone,alwayshad.I
lovedeveryminuteofbeinginmyclassroom-fromthewaytheywouldlightupwhentheyfinallylearned
alltheirletterstolisteningtotheGod-awfuloff-keywaytheywouldsingalongtotheglitterspillsand
gluemishapsandfightingovertoys.Ilovedeverysecondofit.

AnditfeltlikeabigpartofmewasmissingsinceIlostthat.
"No,"hesaid,lookingapologetic."Nottoday.Ithoughtmaybethatwouldbealotallatonce.My

niecesarecuteasfuck,butthey'reahandful.Beccaespecially.Feeblamesallofusforher.Sayswelet
hergetawaywithanythingshewants."

"Doyou?"
"Forthemostpart,"headmittedshamelessly."Shewasthefirstkidanyofushadeverreallybeen

around.Welikedspoilingher."

"Andnowshe'sgotyouwrappedaroundherlittlefinger,"Isaidwithasmile.Iknewhowthatwent.I

sawiteveryday.Ioncehadamothercomeuptomeandaskmetotellherdaughtershewasn'tallowedto
pushtheotherkidsontheplaygroundbecauseshe'didn'twanttobethebadguy'.Ridiculous.

"Somethinglikethat,"headmitted,puttinghiscoffeecupbackonthebreakfastcart.Iguessthatwasa

perkoflivinginahoteloccasionally-roomservice.

Ifollowedsuit,puttingwhatwasleftofmybreakfastonthecartandwatchingasherolleditoutinto

thehallway.

"Comehere,"hedemanded,leaningagainstthefrontdoor.AndIwashopelesstodoanythingbutwhat

heasked.Hisarmscircledaroundmylowerback,draggingmeagainsthisfirmbody."Thinkthey're
gonnatakeawaymymancardifIsaidI'mgonnafuckingmissyoutoday?"

Inmychest,myheartdidawildflip-flopandIbeamedupathim."It'llbeourlittlesecret,"Isaid,

wrappingmyarmsaroundthebackofhisneck,makingmybreastscrushintohischest.Anddespite
havinghadhimthenightbeforeandjustoveranhourago,mybodywantedhimagain."I'mgonnamissyou
too,"Iadmitted,knowingthetruthofitdowntoasoullevel.Insuchashorttime,hehadbeguntomeanso
much.Maybe,ifIwashonestwithmyself,perhapsitwastoomuch.

"WellthenIthinkI'msafe,"hesaid,givingmeasmileasheleanedforwardandclaimedmylips.
Iwasprettysureitwassupposedtobeashort,sweetlittlekiss.But,well,thesecondhislipspressed

tomine,itbecamesomethingelseentirely.Iwhimperedagainsthislipsasheheldmeimpossiblytightto
hisbody,asheslantedmyheadanddeepenedthekiss,ashistonguetracedtheseamandinvaded.

Heturnedsuddenly,slammingmebackagainstthewall,takingmyarmsfromaroundhisneckand

pinningthemtothewallabovemyheadashislipsleftmine,leavingthemfeelingswollenandsensitive,

andtraileddownmycheek,jaw,andthentorturingmyneck.Hekissed,licked,sucked,untileveryinchof
mybodywashummingwiththeneedforhim,untilIfelthalfwaytoanorgasmandhishandhadn'tbeen
anywherenearmysexyet.

Hismouthwentup,histeethsnaggingmyearlobeandmakingmeletoutamoan.
Then,perfectlytimeditseemed,therewasadinginthehallwaythatmadeRyanreleasemeandgo

backastep.MyhandsfellnumblydownbymysidesasIpressedbackagainstthewall,feelingwobbly
andsoturnedonitwasgenuinelypainfulasRyantookseverallong,deepbreaths,similarlyafflictedit
seemed.

"Fuck,"hesighed,scrubbingahanddownthescruffonhischeekthatwaswellonitswaytobecoming

abeardifhedidn'tshavesometimesoon."Toldyouthey'dbeearly,"headdedwithanapologeticsmile,
movingovertowardmeandpressingakisstomytempleasIforcedmylegstosolidifyagainandstood
upstraight.

Thentherewaspoundingonthedoor.Notknocking.Poundingwith,itseemed,atleastthreefists.

"Openup!"afemalevoicecalled,makingRyanchuckleandmoveasteptothesidewherethedoorwas.

"Readyforthis?"heasked.
"AsI'lleverbe,"Iadmitted,givinghimwhatIhopedwasareassuringsmile.
Thenheslidthelocksandthey...burstin.
Theywerepolaroppositestoeachotherinthelooksdepartment.Onewasblondewithasoft,delicate

face,biggreeneyes,beach-wavyhair,andhadonatightminiskirtwithglitter-printedleggingsandan
oversizedblacksweaterthathadascoopneckandanunusualhemthatwentuphighinthecenterthen
dippeddownlowatthesidessoitactuallybrushedthehemofherskirtbyherthighs.

Theotherwasatall,leggy,stackedwomanwithlong,straightdarkhair,strikingblueeyes,and

femininebutangularface.AsRyanhadpredicted,sheworeapairofdarkblueskinnyjeans,blackcombat
boots,andatightbluelong-sleevetee.

Theybothalsohadabouthalfadozenbagsbetweenthem,intheirhandsandhangingfromtheir

wrists.

"Well...?"Theblonde,Fee,demanded,big-eyingRyanasshewavedahandfullofbagsout.
"Wellwhat?"Ryanasked.
"Whereisshe?"sheadded,rollinghereyes.
"Goodmorningtoyoutoo,Fee,Lea,"hesaid,andwhileIcouldn'tseehisfacefrommyposition

behindthedoor,Icouldhearthesmileinit."It'snicetoseeyou.Youseemwell..."

"Cutthebullshit.Wearen'thereforyou,"Feeaddedwithasmirkinherownvoice.
Ryanclosedthedoorandtheireyesfellonmeashereachedouttotakemyhandandpullmeforward.

"Dusty,"hesaid,givingmeasqueeze."ThisisFeeandLea,mybrothers'women.Guys,thisisDusty.Try
nottofreakherouttoomuchwhileI'mgone."

"Oh,please,"Feesaid,rollinghereyesathim."She'sgoingtoloveus.Nowleavesowecangetthe

scooponyou."

"Thescooponme?"Ryanasked,raisingabrow.
"Ihaveafeelinghe'stheholdsyoudownwhilehefuck..."
"Alright,"Ryancutheroffonarumblingchuckle."Onthatnote,I'moff.Iapologizeinadvancefor

leavingyouintheirviperclaws,"headded,givingmeakissandreleasingmyhand."Haveagoodday.If
youreallyneedtogetintouchwithme,Ihavemycell."Hesteppedintotheopendoorwayandlookedat
FeeandLeaand,withapointedbrowraisedemanded,"Benice."Withthat,hewasgoing.

"Sodramatic,"Leasnortedasheleft."Likewe'reheretomakeyoujoinourSatanicalcultor

something,"shesaid,droppingthebagsshehadonthecoffeetable."Thatistotallyuptoyou,"sheadded
and,caughtoffguard,Iletoutasomewhatloudlaugh.

"Soyoulookfreshlykissed,"Feeadded,similarlydisposingofherbagsandcockingherheadtolook

atme."Comeon,thesuspenseiskillingme.Ishetheholdyoudownsort?"

MymouthopenedasIstruggledonwhethertotellthemthatkindofintimatedetailornot.Buthehad

justhadmepinnedtothewallamomentago."Sortof?"Iallowed.

"Toldyou,"FeesaidtoLeawhorolledhereyes.
"Justbecauseshehasaphonesexbusiness,shethinkssheknowseveryone'skinks."
"Hey,Iwasrightabouttheguywhoownsthelaundromatwasn'tI?"
"Hehasafurryfetish,"Leasupplied."SomethingIreallydidn'twanttoknow.Thanksforthe

nightmares,Fee."

"Listen,that'snothalfasbadasrecognizingmydaughter'sguidancecounselorononeofthelinesonce

andlearninghe'sagrannyfuckerandneedsmywomentoofferhimcookiesandmilkaftergroaningabout
himhurtingtheirlittlegeriatrichipsandlovingthefeeloftheirteeth-freemouthsaroundhiscock.You
wantnightmares,thatwillgiveyounightmares."

Isnortedatthat,findingthatRyan'swarningaboutthemwasperfectlyaccurateandalsothatthenerves

Ihadfeltbuildingwhenheopenedthedoorwhilestillthere,weren'tgettingworse.

"So,"Leasaid,turningtome."You'reDusty."
Inoddedmyheadather,shrugging."I'mDusty."
"MarkandElididsayyouwerehotshit.Theyweren'tlying.Shanewantstoknowhowyouaren't

three-hundredpoundswhenyoudon'tleaveyourapartment."

"Shaneisagymrat,"Feesupplied.
"I,ah,doworkoutDVDs?"Ioffered.
"That'swhatItoldhim.He'sagympurist.I'vetriedtheDVDs,butunlessI'matthegym,there'snoone

tojudgemewhenmyassgetsthewrongkindofjigglysothatdoesn'tworkforme.Anyway,webrought
yousomestuff.WeheardyouhadtoleaveinabitofarushandfiguredRyandidn'texactlythinkabout
thingslikepajamas,makeup,ortampons."

Well,thatwastrue.And,cometothinkofit,Iwasdueformyperiodsoonandthatwouldn'thavebeen

auberfunconversationtohave-hey,um,Ihavethereddevilinmypants.Canyougobuymesome
tampons?Notsexy.

"That'sgreatactually,thanks,"Isaid,meaningit.
"Imean,Idoubtyou'llbewearingpajamasanytimesoon,"Feeadded."Withallthesex.Youaredoing

it,right?Imean,beingagoraphobicdoesn'tmeanyoudon'tlikesex."

"Yeah,I'mprettysureweweren'tsupposedtobringuptheagoraphobiathing,"Leachided,givingme

anapologeticsmile.

"Please,"Feesaid,rollinghereyes."It'snotabigdeal."
"IthinktheissuewasthatnowitlookslikeRyanwastalkingbehindherback,"Leaspecified.
"Alrightfine,"Feesaid,turningtomewithasmile."WhenHuntandIfirstmet,hewasmyneighbor

andsomehighlightsofourcourtshipincluded-himthinkingIwasatotalslutbecauseheheardmedirty
talkingandmoaningallthetimeanddidn'trealizeitwasmyjob,himseeingmestumblehomedrunkall
thetime,himstoppinganattemptedrape,andhimfindingmepassedoutinapileofmyownblood
becauseIusedtocutbecauseIhadashittyupbringingthatusedtomakeithardtoexistsometimes.There,
nowyouknowallaboutmeandHunter."

"Youforgotthevibratorthing,"Leaadded,makingmybrowquirkup.Thevibratorthing?
"Right!"Feesaid,soundingexcited."SoIwasn'tintothesexthingatfirstbelieveitornot.Longstory.

Nexttimeyougetacoupledrinksinme,wewillgetintothat.Butanyway,IwastryingtopretendIwasn't
thinkingaboutHunterwhenIwas...givingthehoodedmonkabackmassage,"shesaid,makingalaugh
escapeme."Butthatwasshottoshitonenightwhenhecameoverandfoundmyvibratorinmybathroom
sink."

"ShaneandIdon'treallyhaveany..."

"Um,shutthefuckup,"Feecutheroff."Thegymbathroomthing?Theoralwhileonhisshoulders

thing?Comeon.Youhavesomejuicyshittotelltoo."

Okay.
Ilikedthem.
Wasitpossiblenotto?
Granted,therewasabitofafeelingofbeinganoutsiderbecauseIdidn'tknowallthelittlestoriesyet,

butstill,theywereopenandfunnyandaccepting.Whatmorecouldyouaskfor?

Ifiguredthat,givensometimeandstorytelling,theywouldbealltoohappytohavemeinthefold.
"Oh,andwebroughtjunkfoodtoo,"Leasaid.
"ThankGod,"Feeadded,goingintothebagsandgrabbingabagofReeces."Imean,Ilovemykids.

ButIsweartheycanhearthesoundofacandywrapperfromthreemilesawayduringathunderstorm.I
nevergettoeatmyownjunkfood.And,well,theyhaveseveralyearsuntiltheystartgettingaperiodso
theydon'tunderstandthestruggleandneedforchocolateyet,butwhentheydo,Ihopetheyrememberall
thecandytheystolefrommeovertheyearsandfeelreallybadaboutit."

"Youtaughtkindergarten,right?"Leaasked,lookingatme.
"Yeah,"Iagreed,nodding,acceptingaReeceswhenFeehandedonetome.
"Righthereintown?"
"Yeah,"Iagreed,feelingapangoflossyetagain.
"AclassfulloftwentylittleBeccasorIzzys?How?Why?"Feeaskedwithasmile.
"Ialwayslikedkids.Iwasanonlychild.Ilikedthechaos."
"Fee,Ithinkyoujustfoundababysitter,"Leadeclared,movingofftothekitchenandgoingabout

makingcoffeelikeshehadbeenintheplacemanytimesbefore.

"Seriously,ifyoueverwanttobedrivenupawallforafewhours,Iamalwayslookingforadecent

sitter.Tocomeheretoday,Ihadtopaythreeneighborhoodgirlstowatchthemforafewhours.Thirty
bucksanhourbecausenosinglegirlwilltakethemon.Theyhavethatbadofareputation."

"I'dbehappytohangoutwiththem,"Ivolunteered."Youknow,onceIamsettledagain."
"Yeah,crazysituation,"Feesaid,droppingdownonthecouchandproppingherfeetuponthetable."I

mean,Leamighthaveyoubeattechnically.Butit'sstillnuts."

"Maybeshedoesn'twanttotalkaboutthat,"Leasaid,comingbackasthesmelloffreshcoffeefilled

theair.

"Fine,thenwecantalkabouthowShanetookcareof..."
LeaclearedherthroatandtheybothsharedalookthatIdidn'tknowthemwellenoughtointerpret.
ButthenFeeabruptlychangedthetopicofconversation."Thisplaceisawesome,isn'tit?Noonestays

heremuchbutHuntandItakeitoveronouranniversaryforalongweekendeveryyear.Charlieand
Helenstayatourplaceforthekids.Theyhaveroomservice!Ugh,theluxury."

"Please,Hunterdoesmostofthecookinganyway,"Leasaid,shakingherhead.
"Well,onlybecauseI'mnotgoodatit.Wealsohaveholidaysheresometimes.FourthofJulyweall

showupbecausetheydofireworksovertheNavesink.It'sperfectfromhere,"shesaid,gesturingtoward
thewindows.

Then,well,wealldrankcoffeeandatejunkfoodandtalkedaboutlighttopicsbeforethingswent

seriousandIlearnedabouttheirpasts.

AndIlearnedaboutFee'sscrewedupchildhoodwithareligiousfanatic,abusivefatherinthewoods

andisolatedfromanyonebutherfather,mother,andbrother.Ilearnedabouthowshehadrunawayto
NewYorkCityandhadtolearnhowtherealworldworked,withscarsfromherfatherbothliteraland
figurativethatmadeherstruggletokeepsanewithoutalcoholandcuttingherself.Then,findingHuntand
findingsomeonewhoacceptedherjustasshewas,shehadslowlyrecovered.

Lea'sstorywasnolesstraumatic,comingfromalifeinabikegangwhereherfatherandbrotherdid

nothingtostoptheclubpresidentfromrapingandabusingherforyears.Sheescapedandheretaliatedby
abusingandkillingagirlsheonceknewandhurtingherbrotherandtryingtoguiltherintoreturning.On
therunfromhim,shewenttoworkforFeeandmetShaneand,eventually,hegotwindoftheexsituation
and'handled'it.

Therewasasortoffinalitytotheirwordsthatsaiditwouldneverbeaproblemagain,butdidn't

elaboratefurther.Ifiguredthatwasbecause,whileIwaswithRyan,Iwasn'texactlyinthefoldyet.They
barelyknewmeanddidn'tknowhowmuchtheycouldtrustme.

Ihadtounderstandthat.
ItwasalmostdarkoutwhenFee,obviouslytheonewithlessofafilter,finallyblurtedout,"So,

agoraphobia..."

"Fiona,"Leahissed.
"What?We'reoldfriendsnow,"shesaid,shakingherhead."It'snotlikeit'sasecretforchrissakes.So

wasitjustanxietythatescalated?"sheasked,surprisinglyaccurate.

"Yeah."
"HowlongwasitbeforeRyanforcedyououtsidethatyouleft?Months..."
"Years."
"Oh,wow,"shesaid,browsraising."So,youbeinghere...thisishuge.Goodforyou."
Itfeltgoodtohearthat,tohavesomeoneoutsideofmaybethefewpeopleclosetome,understand

whatthatmeantforsomeonelikeme,toknowittookalotoutofmetomakethemovesthat,toothers,
seemedsmall.

"Thanks,"Isaid,feelingmyfacegettingwarm.
"Ifyoueverhaveanurgetogetoutwithoutpressure,youcancomehangatmyplace,"Feeoffered."In

caseyouwanttobranchoutwithnewsafezonesandwhatnot."

"I'llinviteyoutomyplacetoo,butthewarehouseisn'tallthatinteresting."
"Thewarehouse?"
"Yeah,Shanedecidedtoconvertanoldwarehouse.It'sasafetythingIguess.It'sahuge,openspace."
Aphonestartedringing.Well,notringingexactly.Herringtonewasaseventiesporntheme:bow

chickabowwooooow.

"That'dbethegirls.Probablymine,"shespecified,jumpinguptofumbleforherpurse."Theactual

babysittersarelikelytiedupandducttaped."

Withthat,shemovedofftothekitchentotakethecallandLeatappedmylegwithherfoot."You

alright?"sheasked,browraised.

Inoddedatthat."Yeah."
"Iknowthisisalot."
"IknowIshouldfeelthatway,butI'malright.Youguys,actuallyeveryoneI'vemetfromRyan'sfamily,

hasmadeiteasy.Idon'tknow.Youguysaren'tlikemyoldfriendsorfamily...youjust...gowiththeflow."

Leasmiledatthat."TheMallickfamilyisaninterestinggroupofpeople.They'reallcrazyandintense

andunique,butforthem...nothingismoreimportantthanfamily.SoifRyisseriousaboutyouandthisis
goingsomewhere,thenyouwillbefamilytooandtheyaregoingtoacceptyoulikeyouare.Actually,
Helenisitchingtogettoknowyou."

"Ryan'smother?"Iasked,thinkingofthestorieshehadtoldmeabouther.
"Yeah,shelikesuniquecharacters.Feewithhertwistedpastandphonesex.Iworkpart-timeinthe

phonesexthingandmybikerbackground.Andthenthere'syouwithyouragoraphobia."

"Ithinkmythingisalotlessinterestingthanyourthings."
"Maybe,"sheagreedwithashrug."ButIthinkHelen'sthinghaslesstodowithhownutsourstories

areandmoretodowithhowwellourstoriesworkforhersons.Ryanhasalwayslikedsweet,nice,
normalgirls.LikewhenIfirstmetRyanhebroughtadatetoHelen'sdinnerandshewasjusttoosweet

andtoogoodandwhenHelentoldherthatRyanisanenforcer,shebookedit.SoIthinkshelikesthathe
foundagirlthatishisstylebutisn'tscaredawaybythelifestyle."

"Well,Ihopeshe..."
"Oh,no!"shecutmeoff,reachingouttotouchmyarm."No.Ididn'tmeanittosoundlikeshewouldbe

judgingyouoranything.ShejustwantstomeetthegirlwhofinallygotRyantogetserious.Sheand
Charliewantmoregrandbabies.Soifyoucouldgetseriousfast,I'dappreciateitbecausesinceFee
declaredshe'sdonepoppingthemout,they'reupShaneandmyassaboutmakingbabies."

Ilaughedatthat."Well,Iwilldomybest,"Iagreedwithasmile.
"That'sallI'masking,"shesaid,dramaticallyasFeesighed.
"Alright,Ihavetogosavethegirls.Ithinktheyhavegonegraywithmyhellions.AndsinceLeadrove

inwithme..."

"Itwasreallynicegettingtoknowyouguys,"Isaid,meaningit."Andthankyousomuchforallthe

supplies.Thatwasreallysweet."

"Don'tmentionit,"Leasaid.
"Oh,wait,Iforgotsomething,"Feesaidatthesametime,goingtoherpurseanddiggingin.Andthen

shepulledoutthebiggestboxofcondomsIhadeverseen."Theonlygoodsexissafesex,sountilyou
feelcomfortableenoughtohitaclinicagain,keepyourselffromgettingknockedupwiththese.Ihavea
limitlesssupply."

"Iheardofthefishbowls,"Iagreed,asshedroppeditwiththerestofthethings."Thankyou,"Iadded

asweallmovedasaunittothedoorandsaidourgoodbyes.

Iwasinthemiddleofunpackingthebags,goingovertheconversationofthepastfewhoursinmy

head.Andthenitoccurredtome.

ThelookLeaandFeehadsharedatonepoint.
ThefactthatRyanandhisbrothersallhadtogoouttogether.
Thewaymostofthedaylapsedwithoutmerealizing.
"Thatbastard,"Ideclaredtotheemptyapartment.
FeeandLeaweren'ttheretogirlybondwithme.
Theywerethereasadistraction.
Becausehewasdoingsomethingwithhisbrothers.AndIgotthestrong,almostoverwhelmingfeeling

thatwhathewasdoinginvolvedmyandBry'sproblems.

ButbeforeIcouldfocustoomuchonthat,thelow,soothingsoundofmyringtonecalledtomefromthe

bagwhereRyanhadstashedourelectronicsbesidethefireplace.

Thinkingmaybeitwashim,perhapstooexcitedandrelievedattheprospect,Iranacrosstheroomand

grabbeditbeforeitfinishedringing.

"Hello?"
"MissMcRae?"anunfamiliarmalevoicesaidinstead,somethingaboutthecadenceofhisvoice

immediatelymakingmestiffen.

"Yes,"Isaid,myheartalreadyslamminginmychest.Iknew.Iknewwithoutknowingthatsomething

waswrong.

"MissMcRaeyouarelistedastheemergencycontactforaBryHardy."
Bry.
Emergencycontact.
"Whathappened?"Iasked,myvoiceastrainedwhisper.
"Mr.Hardywasbroughtinwithagunshot..."
Ididn'theartherest.
Ididn'tneedto.
And,unlikethetimeinmyapartmentwhenonlymylifewasatstake,Ididn'tfreeze.Ididn'tpanic.I

ranacrosstheroomandfoundmyshoes,grabbedasweaterthathadbeeninoneofthebags,rippingoff
thetagsasIranoutthedoor.

AllIcouldthinkofasIrodedowntheelevatorandexplodedintotheoutsidewillinglyforthefirst

timeinyearswasthathehadalways,alwaysbeenthereforme.Nomatterwhat,hestoodbyme.

Iwasgoingtobebyhissidewhenheneededmetoo.
Except,Iwasn'tBry'semergencycontact.
Andthehospitaldidn'treallycallme.
Andtheshitwasabouttohitthefan.

FIFTEEN

Ryan

"Youneedtotakeabreath,"Shanetoldmeasweallclimbedintothecartogether."She'llbefinewith

LeaandFee.Andyouknowwehavetodothis."

Thismeaningwehadtohandlehersituation.
Wecouldn'tjustsitandhideoutatthefuckingresidence.Thatwasnowaytostartarelationship.We

neededtogiveitafairchanceinmyapartmentwhereshecouldsettleinandgetcomfortableandfeellike
shecouldbranchout.

SothatmeantmeandmybrotherswereonthewaytoChaz'stohaveameetingwithourfatherandsee

whatweallthoughtthebestmovewas.

Quitefrankly,Ihadn'tgiventhewholesituationasmuchthoughtastheseverityofitdemanded.
Though,consideringthatwasbecauseIhadbeenhavingmyhands,mouth,andtonguealloverDusty

and,finally,mycockinsideofher,Iwasn'texactlypissedatmyselfaboutit.

Whatmatteredwasshewassafe.Noonecouldgetpasttheresidencedeskiftheyweren'taresident.

Andevenifyoucoulddoso,therewasonlyoneelevatortothetwopenthouseapartmentsandtheonly
waytoaccessthemwaswithakey.Eachmemberofmyfamilyhadakeytotheelevatoranddoor.

Theotherpenthouseresident,RossWard,wastheonlyotherpersonwithakeytotheelevator.He

didn'tletanyonecomeanywherenearhisplacesohewasnoconcern.Actually,ifanything,havinghim
acrossthehallwhenthegirlsweretherealonewasanotherformofprotection.Hemighthavemindedhis
ownbusinessthemajorityofthetime,buthewouldn'tsitonhishandsifheheardsomethingamissacross
thehall.

Theyweresafe.
Shewassafe.
Butitwastemporary.
Shewouldneverbefullysafeuntilwehandledthesituationonceandforall.
IftheDomguywasasbigadealasheseemedlike,itwasn'tgoingtobeeasy.

"Alright,"Huntsaid,pushingafileacrossthetablewesatat,Chaz'scloseduntildinnertime."Dom

Donovan.Drugdealer.Rapist.Murderer.Generalshithead,"hesaid,sighing."Brygothimselfattachedto
arealgem."

"Alright,"myPopssaid,leaningbackinhischair."Really,therearetwochoiceshere.Wetakeatrip

toCamdenandtrytotalktoDom,businessmentoshitheadbusinessman.But,tobehonest,Idon'tseehow
thatisgoingtohelp.Heseemslikethekindofbastardwhowilltakeourmoneyanddealandthenshoot
usinthebackonourwayout."

"Ican'tsayIdon'tagreewiththat,"Isaid,nodding."Bryisn'tsomehardenedcriminal,butheseems

likehe'sbeenhustlinghiswholelife.He'slikelybeeninvolvedwithseveraldealersovertheyearssohe
knowsdirtbags,butheisscaredofDom.Heheardmetellhimtogetoffthestreetandhefuckingran.
Literally.Whileonthephonewithme."

"Yousawthepicture,"Eliadded,bodystiff,readytospringintoaction,wantingblood."Ifthey'ddo

thattoawoman..."

"Exactly,"Popssaid,nodding.
"Sotheotheroption?"Shaneprompted,calmerthanyouwouldgenerallyexpecttofindhim.Hewas

usuallyextroverted,loud,crazy.SincetheshitwentdownwithLea'sex,hehadacertainseriousness
towardworksituationsthathehadn'thadbefore.

Popsshrugged."Wehavesomeoneelsehandleitforus."
Right.
NavesinkBankmanagedtobetheoddcesspoolofcrimeitdidbecauseeveryoneknewtheirplace.

Everyonehadtheirniche.TheHenchmenMCrantheirguns.TheGrassisrantheirdocks.Weillegally
loanedmoney.RossWardhadhisundergroundfighting.Breakerwashiredmuscle.Shooterwasakiller.
VandLexKeithweretheshittiestofshitheadsanddealtinskinandotherdeplorableacts.Hailstorm
did...whateverthefuckHailstormdid.

Asfordrugs,well,wehadtwomainplayers-RichardLyonhadhishighbrowcocainewhichhe

supplied,mostly,tobusinessmenwhoneededajump.ThentherewasThirdStreetwhohadtheirheroin
andotherlower-endstreetdrugs.

NooneelsesteppedintoNavesinkBankwithdrugs.Itsimplywasn'tdone.Maybesomeonewould

peddleshitlikepot,butneitherLyonnorThirdStreetgaveashitaboutthat.

Itallworkedout.Therewerenoturfwars.Everyonehadtheirclients.Noonehadtoworryabout

fightingovershit.

Sowhennewthreatsstartedsniffingaround,oneorbothofthemwerequicktogetridofitbeforeit

putdownrootsandbecameaproblemforbusiness.

Theywouldn'tbehappytoknowsomeoneelsehadbeenoperatingundertheirnosesforfuckingyears.

First,becauseitmighthavebeenaffectingtheirbusinesseswithoutthemknowing.Second,becauseit
lookedbad.Whenitcametocriminals,itwasbesttoappealtotheirego,theirreputations.

"LyonespeciallywillbepissedthatsomejackassinfuckingCamdenissittingaroundlaughingabout

operatingrightunderneathhisnose,"Marksaid.

"AndThirdStreetisfuckingstruggling,"Shaneadded."Enzoisholdingittogether,butthearrestrate

ishigh,thedemandishigher,andthesupplyisgettinghardertoget,"Markagreed."Heisquicktoreact
whenhethinkssomethingisgoingon."

"Imean,notthatwe'reongoodtermsoranything,"Elisaid,soundingreasonable,"butIdon'tthinkit'd

besmarttoputaDobermanPincheragainstaPitbull.ThisDomguyhasfiftydealersatleast.Itgoesto
followthathe'sgotsecurity.SendingEnzocouldbeasuicidemission."

Thatwasafairpointandweallknewit,sittingthereforamomenttothinkitover.
Itwasmymother,whoIhadn'tevenrealizedwastherebecauseshehadbeenlingeringaroundinthe

office,whocameoutandofferedathirdchoice.

"Wecanoutsource,"shesupplied,cominginwithagoddamnplateofminisandwichesbecause,while

weweresittingtherediscussingplanstobringdownafuckingdrugdealer,shewasstillourmother.

"Outsource,"myfatherrepeated,reachingoutandgrabbingher,pullingherdownonhislap.Thirty

some-oddyearstogetherandtheystillactedlikefuckingteenagers.Ihadlong-sincegottenoverthe'that's
disgusting'mindsetandsettledfirmlyinthe'thatmustbenice'one.And,lately,'maybethatwillbemeand
Dustyinthirtyyears'one."I'massumingyouhavesomeoneinmind."

Mymomshruggedasshereachedforasandwichherself."Thisisabigjob.There'sreallyonlyone

organizationintownIwouldtrustwithit."

Right.
"YouwantustosetupameetingwithHailstorm."Iclarified.
Whenitcametooperations,theywereprettyhardtounderstand.Theyhadabigsurvivalist-typecamp

uponthehillwithelectrifiedandrazorwirefences,dogs,andsnipers.Thewallsoftheirbuildingswere
madeofstoragecontainers.Theyhadtheirownwells,gardens,solarpower-theworks.Fromwhat
anyonecouldtell,theirrankswerefullofex-militaryandvariousformercriminals.Whattheydidwas,
well,alittlebitofeverything.Theychasedskips.Theydidsecurityandhitsandfuck-knewwhatelse.

Lowasthesupposedleader,someonethatupuntilshitwentdownwithTheHenchmencompoundand

V,everyonehadassumedwasabatshitcrazyman.Thatwasn'thowitwasafterall.

"TakethattengrandyouweregoingtowasteontheDomguyandgiveittothemtofixtheissueonce

andforall.They'lldoit,"shesaid,shrugging.

Maybetheywould.
"HowthehellwouldweevengoaboutsettingupameetingwithLo?"Markasked,raisinghisbrows,

seemingtheleastconvincedoftheplan.

Itwasrightaboutthenthatmyphonerang,anumberIdidn'trecognize."RyanMallick,"Ianswered,

gettingupandmovingawayfromthetable.

"Ryan,RossWard,"thesmoothvoicecamefromtheotherend,makingmestiffenslightly.
First,Inevergavethemanmynumber.
Second,Icouldn'tseehiscallbeingagoodone.
"Ross,what'sgoingon?"
"Notreallymyplacetonoticethisshit,butIknowyouhaveawomanstayingwithyou.Theblonde

withthebustedface.Figureyou'renottheonewhobustedit..."

"OffuckingcourseIwasn'ttheone..."
"So,"hewenton,cuttingmeoff."WhenIsawherleavinginafuckingpanic,IfiguredIwouldjusttake

alookoutthewindow.Sawherhittheparkinglotandgetdraggedintoawaitingcar."

Everythinginmefuckingfroze.
Iturnedbacktomyfamily,myvoicelikeawhip,"CallfuckingHailstormrightfuckingnow,"I

snapped,makingthemalllookatmeandfreeze.TheyknewmewellenoughtoknowIneveroverreacted.
Theyknewshitjusthitthefan.

"Goodplan,"Iwashalf-awareofRosssayinginmyear.
"TheyhaveDusty,"IaddedtomyfamilyasShanemovedthroughhiscontacts,beingafriendofReign

whocouldgetusincontactwithLo."Ross,Ineedthevideo..."

"I'malreadyintheoffice,"hecutmeoffagain."I'llhavethemtextyoutheinformation."
"Th..."Istarted,buthehadalreadyendedthecall.
"Reign,"Shane'svoicewasfirm."No,itcan'tfuckingwait.PutmeintouchwithLo...now.Yeah,it's

serious."

"Whocalledyou?"Markasked,standing,justlikeeveryoneelsewassuddenly.
"RossWard.Saidhesawsomethingoff.Dustywasrunningoutoftheapartmentsohelookedoutand

shewaspushedintoacar."

MyphonerangagainandIswiped,"Ross,whatnow..."
"HehasfuckingDusty,"Bry'sdesperatevoicemetmyear.
"Iknow.We'reworkingonit.Howdoyouknow?"
"IgotamotherfuckingpicturetextedtomyphonetellingmetomeetDominCamdenorshewould

pay."

"Bry,listen..."
"I'monmyfuckingway.Theycan'tbemorethanfiveminutesaheadofmeandI'mbreakingevery

motherfuckingspeedlimitinthe..."

"Bry,fuckinglistentome.Youcan'tjustshowupthere.Theywon'tlethergo.They'lltortureherand

makeyoufuckingwatch,"Isaid,myvoicealowrumblebecausemyjawwasclenchedtoofuckingtightto
speakproperly.

"Ican'tjustfuckingnotgo,Mallick.Ineedto..."
"You'regoing,"Icuthimoff."Justgivemefivefuckingminutestofigureoutasmarterway."
"Yeah,thisisCharlieMallick.IneedtotalktoLorightnow,"myfather'svoicecarriedtome,firmer

thanIhadhearditinalongtime.

Istoodthereashegotheronthelineandrelayedthesituationasquicklyaspossiblethenpausedto

listentowhateverLohadtosay,theentiretime,myhearthadsituateditselfinmythroat,slammingso
hardIfeltlikeIwaschokingonit.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadeverevenfeltatasteofwhatpanicfeltlike.
AndIprettymuchconcludedthatifthatfeelingwashowDustyfeltanytimeshegotoutofhercomfort
zone,thenIwouldtakebackeverysinglethingIsaidaboutprogressandtellhershecouldstayinmy
apartmentfortherestofherlifeifthatwastheonlywayshedidn'tfeellikethis.

Youknow...whenIgotherback.
"Right.Sure.I'lltellhim.Appreciateyoumakingitapriority,Lo."
"What'dshesay?"Shaneasked,takinghisphonebackandslippingitinhispocket.
"Shesaiditwasanhourandahalfdriveandsheandherpeoplewouldcomeupwithaplanonthe

way.Shewantsyou,"hesaid,jerkinghisheadatme,"outsideintenandshewillhaveyoudrivewithher.
Therestofuswillfollow..."

"Pops,no.Hailstormhasthis.Idon'tneedyouguysputtingyourself..."HisbrowraisewasallI

neededtoknowitwaspointlesstotryandargue."Fine,"Isaid,movingouttowardthefrontdoorofthe
barandmovingtowardthestreet.

"Stopfreakingoutandthinkclearly,"Hunterwarnedashesteppedoutsidewithme."You'renotgoing

tohelpherifallyoudoisworryaboutwhatishappening.Ifthereisanyonewhocanlogisticallyfigure
thissituationout,it'sLoandherteamofexperts.DommightbeabigdealinCamden,butHailstormisa
justplainbigfuckingdealtoanyone.Theyhavetheirreputationforareasonandtheydon'tgointo
anythingwithoutthinkingandplanningitout.Theywillgetherback."

Asifprovinghispoint,IcouldseeaconvoyofblackSUVscomingdownthehill,justacoupleof

minutesoff.

Whentheypulledup,thebackseatdoortothefirstoneopenedandIclimbeduptofindmyselfsitting

nexttonotLo,butaveryyoung,slight,black-haired,tattoo-coveredslipofagirlwithalaptoponherlap
andanenergydrinkinherhand,typingimpossiblyfastwithonehand.

"Ryan,"afemalevoicecamefromthepassengerseatassheturnedbacktofaceme.Andthereshewas

inallofhergorgeousblonde-haired,brown-eyed,badassness.Lo."So,here'sthesitch,Jstormgotin
touchwithRossandhegavehertheplatesoffthecarandsheranthem.Theycamebacktosomelowlife
namedRayCleaverwhohasarapsheetaslongasmyrightarm.Aggravatedassault,assaultwitha
deadlyweapon,threepossessioncharges,onechargewithintenttodistribute.Oh,andhelikestoget
lockedupforfuckingprostitutestoo.Fromthelooksofthemugshotsoftheprostituteshegothauledin
with,though,hegetsoffonmakingitevenmoreunpleasantforthemasanalreadyunpleasantjobisbound

tobe."

"Fuck,"Igrowled,findingmyselfalmostunnecessarilyannoyedbythesoundofthegirlnexttome

tappingfuriously,evenifitwasonthecase.

"Thegoodnewsherewouldbe,fromwhatJstormcantellinthevideo,Raywastheonedriving,not

theoneinthebackwithher."

"Whowastheoneinbackwithherthen?"
"Thepictureisgrainy,"Jstormsupplied,notbotheringtolookupfromwhatshewasdoing."Butmy

bestbetwouldbeDom'ssecondhandmanwhoisactuallyhisbrother,Albert."Withthat,sheswiveledthe
laptopinmydirectiontoshowmeaquickpictureofthemaninquestionthenarewindoftheclipfrom
hotelsecurity.

Mystomachclenchedhard,watchingDustyexplodeoutofthebuilding,frantic.Somethinghadher

freaked.Somethinghappenedtomakeherleavetheapartment.Andforthelifeofme,Icouldn'tfigureout
whatthatmightbe.Shecouldn'tleaveherownapartmentwithalarmswarninghershewoulddieifshe
stayed.

Itmadenosense.
Butwhenshepassedthecar,thedoorswungopen,andamanwhodidinfactlookliketheAlbertguy

pulledherinandtheyspedoff.

"Thisisagoodthingwhy?"
JstormturnedthescreenawayandresumedhertaptaptappingasLogavemeanunderstandinglook.

"Albertseemstohaveacoolerheadinsituations.Hehasnorapsheet.Hisonlyarrestwasfordriving
withoutalicense...whenhewasseventeen.Nothingsince.Butheworksintheorganization.SoI'm
thinkinghe'stheonetokeepthingscalmandrational.He'snotgoingtopulloverthecartoletshithappen
toyourgirlwhentheyknowheknowsthey'reworkingonaclockbecauseDomalreadytoldBryaboutthe
abduction.So,forthenexthourandahalf,sheisprobablyokay.Andyouneedyourheadinthegame."

Itookadeepbreath,nodding."Okay.Whatdoyouneedfromme?"
"Yourphone,"Jstormsaid,doinggimmefingersatmewithoutlookingup,soIdroppeditinherpalm.

"IneedtotalktothisfriggenBryguybeforehedoessomethingstupid."

"Goodluckwiththat,"Isaid,lookingoutthesidewindow."He'sinlovewithher.He'snotlikelyto

listentoreasonrightnow."

LogavemealookIdidn'texactlyunderstanduntilaboutthreesecondslater,Jstorm'srapid-fire,no-

nonsense,profanity-filledvoiceblastedintothequietcabofthecar.

"Shutupandlistentome.I'mJaniefromHailstormandIneedyoutogetyourheadoutofyourfucking

assfortwominutesandlistentotheplan..."

Sothenshetoldhimandmeand,apparently,LobecauseIwasprettysurenooneinthatcarknewwhat

theplanwasuntilJstormlaiditoutforus.

ButevenIhadtoadmitthatitjustmightwork.

SIXTEEN

Dusty

OfcourseIwasn'tonBry'semergencycontactlistinhisphone.
Itwaseasywhenfacedwithwhatyouthoughtwasalifeordeathsituationtonotreallythinkthings

throughclearly.

Maybe,threeyearsbefore,thatwouldhavemadesense.Weusedtobethattight.Alongwithmyuncle,

hewasinmyemergencycontactsinmyphoneaswellasmyworkforms.ButBryhadgonethroughat
leastthreephonessincethenandhadtoreprogramthosenumbers.Hewouldn'thaveputmeinbecausehe
wouldthinkitwasanunnecessarypressuretoputonme.

Hisloserbrotherwasprobablyhisemergencycontact.
Irealizedmymistakealloftensecondsafterburstingoutofthebuildingandontothestreet.
Let'sjustsaywhenadoorfromacarswingsopenandabig,scarydudelungesoutofit,youknow

exactlywhatwasgoingon.

Ihadbeentricked.
AndIwasgoingtobeusedassomekindofbargainingchip.
"Stopfighting,"theguygrowledafterthrowingmeinside,makingmyheadcrashagainsttheother

closeddoor,thecrackmakingmyteethslamtogetherpainfully.

Ihadn'tevenrealizedIwasfighting.Itwasallpure,undiluted,animalisticinstinct.Iwasflailing-

kickingoutwitheverythinginmeatthemanwhograbbedmeashegotinthebackwithmeandslammed
thedoor.

"Couldthrowherinthetrunk,"cameasuggestionfromthefrontinavoicethatsentachilldownmy

spinebecauseIrecognizedit.Ithadoncescreamedatme,cursedatme,demandedtoknowwheremy
supplywas.

Myheadtwistedtolookintothefrontseat,seeingeyesintherearviewthatmademystomachclench

hard.Thedriverwastheonewhohadbeatenme.Iwouldknowthoseeyesanywhere.That,andthefact
thathisfacewasbeattohellstill...thankstoRyan.Thepassengerwaslookingoverhisshoulderatme

andhewasfamiliartoo-theonewhohadsearchedmyapartment,destroyedit,tookawayeverybitof
comfortIfoundthere.

"Shutthefuckupanddrive,"camethealmostalarminglycalmvoiceinthebackwithme,despitethe

commentfromtheguydriving,myleghadkickedoutandcollidedwithsomethinghard-ribsmaybe.

Helookedsomewhatsimilartotheguysinthefront.Therewasacertainroughnesstoeverythingabout

him.Hiseyeswereadarkbrown,butunreadable.HisfacewasoneImighthavefoundhandsomeunder
differentcircumstanceswithhisstrong,widejaw,darkhair,andaltogetherhyper-masculine
characteristics.Hewasbigtoo-wide,strong.Heseemedtotakeupallthespace(andair)inthe
backseat.

Mylegkickedoutagain,fearacollaronwaytootight,chokingme,makingmereactwithoutthinking.
Stronghandsmovedoutandgrabbedmyankles,pinningthemtohishardthighs."Stopfighting,"he

repeated,buthiswordsweren'tloudorscaryorevenallthatthreatening.Infact,hesaidthemquietlyso
thatonlythetwoofuscouldhearit,hiseyeslookingdownatme.

IfIwasn'tstranglingonmyownterror,Imighthavesaidhelookedlikehewasbeggingmeto

understand.

Butunderstandwhat?Kidnappingme?
Therewasnowaytounderstandthat.
"Letmego,"Iwhisperedback,myeyessobigthatIknewtheywerepleadingand,quitefrankly,my

pridecouldtakeafreakinghikebecausetherewasnoroomforitinthissituation.Ifbegging,pleading,
crying,screamingformyfreakingmommy,anythingcouldgetmeoutofit,Iwaswillingtotry.

"Can'tdothat,"hesaidback,justaslowly,hismouthbarelyopeningtoenunciate,butIunderstood

perfectlywell.

"Whatthefuckyoudoingbackthere,Albert,playingfootsiewiththebitch?"thedriverasked,making

mystomachturnsouragainandIworriedforanalmostexcruciatingmomentifIwasgoingtobesickall
overmyself.

"Ifyoudon'tshutyourmotherfuckingtrapandmindyourowngoddamnbusiness,Iamgoingtohave

youpullthiscarover.Buttheonegoinginthefuckingtrunkwillbeyourstupidass."

Thosewordsshutthedriverupwithasmallgrumbleashereachedfortheradioandturneditup.The

speakerbehindmyheadonthedoormusthavebeenblownoutbecausenothingwascomingoutfromthere
whichwasablessingbecauseIneededtothinkstraight.

Firstthingwasfirst,theguyinthebackwithme,Albert,seemedtobetheonewhowassortofin

charge.Secondly,hisnamewasAlbert.IhadheardBrysliponandoffabouthisbossandhehadcalled
himDom,notAlbert.Sowhowasthegiantinthebackwithme?Justsomeonehigherupthanthemuscle-
boundjerkswhobeatandrobbedme?

"Iwon'ttellanyone,"Itried,takingdeepbreaths,tryingtokeepthegrowingpanicatbay.Iwouldn'tbe

abletothinkanythingthroughifmybrainwascompletelyparalyzedbythoseanxiety-fueledthoughts.

"Notmycall,sweetheart,"hesaid,anapologyinhisvoice.
Ididn'tneedhisfreakingapology.Ineededhisempathy,hismoralcompass,hisrealizationthatwhat

hewasdoingwasbeyondmessedup.

Ifeltthetearswellup-uselessbutunstoppablenonetheless.Iblinkedthemawayrapidly,tryingtonot

showsomuchweakness.Buthewaswatchingmeandhisowneyesclosedforalongsecond,likehe
didn'tlikeseeingthem.Butwhentheyopened,hedidn'tgivemeanykindofcomforts.

"Theybeatme,"Isupplied,motioningtothefrontseat."They'lldoitagain.Andthistime,noonewill

betheretostopthemfromhurtingmeworse,rapingme.Killingme."

Hisfacevisiblyhardenedat'rape',butagain...noactiontochangewhatwashappening.
Desperate,Itwistedontheseat,turninghalfonmystomachwithmylegsstillpinnedandgrabbedat

thedoor,findingitlocked,butnotabletofindanyvisiblelocktopushup.Stupid,stupidnewcars.On

whatcouldonlybecalledasob,Ireacheduptowardthewindow,slammingonitwitheverybitof
strengthIcouldgiventheawkwardposition.IknewIwouldn'tbreakit,butfiguredmaybesomeone
drivingpastorsomethingmightseeitandthinkitwasweirdandcallitin.Youknow,likehowyou're
supposedtokickoutthetaillightandwaveyourhandoutofitifyouwereeverinthetrunk.Suddenly,I
wishedthedrivergothiswishandIwasbackthere.Trunkshadlatchesandatleastahopeforescapeina
kidnappingsituation.

Butthenmyankleswerereleased.
Istillcouldn'tkickoutbecausesuddenly,hisbigbodyhadcurledovermine,trappingmylowerbody

withhisweightandgrabbingmyhandsandyankingthemdownfromthewindow,pinningthemabovemy
headonthedoor,crushedtherebyhisweight.

Itriedtwisting,bringingmykneesup,buckingmyweightupward.
Itwasallcompletelyandutterlyuseless.Hewastoobig,toostrong,toounmoveable.
Icollapsedbackonasob,turningmyfacetotheside,notwantingtohaveacompleteandutter

breakdownrightinhisface,butdoingsomeantthatmyfaceburiedintooneofhismassivearms,tears
streamingdownhisforearm.

"Thefuckyoudoing,gettingsomeactionwithoutus?"thedriverasked,makingmeswallowback

anothersob,jerkingbackandlookingupintohisface,seeingnothingbutasoul-deepkindofhatredthere.
Butnotforme,forthedriver.

"I'mtryingtokeepyourbitchassoutoffuckingjailiswhatI'mdoing.Idon'tcarehowmuchmy

brotherpaysforalawyer,nofuckingwayyou'dgetoffonasecondkidnappingandattemptedrapecharge,
youfuckingmoron."

"Yourbrother."
ThewordscameoutwhenIhadonlymeanttothinkthem,makinghisgazeflybacktomyface,looking

abitmoreguarded.

HisbrotherwasDom,Bry'sboss.
Hisbrotherwastheonewhowasorderingpeopletobeat,rob,possiblyrape,andkidnapme.
Hisbrother.
AnyhopeIhadofhimmaybehavingaheart,aconscience,asoftspot,ofbeingapossiblyreasonable

personwhoIcouldconvincetoletmegodisappeared.

Ifeltallthetearsdryupinasecond.
Therapidheartbeat,pressureinmychest,swirlingthoughts,theyallseemedtostopcompletely,

leavingnothingbutabone-deepunderstandingofmyfate.

Andcryingwasn'tgoingtohelp.
Beggingwasn'tgoingtohelp.
Ineededtorelax.Ineededtothink.Ineededtopayattentionforanysmallpossibleopportunityfor

escape.

"Youcalm?"Albertasked,browsdrawntogetherlikehecouldn'tquiteunderstandhowIwentfrom

attackmodetohystericalmesstocalmandcollectedsoquickly.Inoddedtightlyathim,notquitetrusting
myvoicetonotgiveawayeverybitofdefianceinme.

Iwasn'tgoingtogodownwithoutafight.
Iwasn'tgoingtolaythereandtakewhatevertheygavetome.
ButIwasgoingtobesmart.
IwasgoingtobidemytimeandIwasgoingtothinkofsomethingandIwasgoingtogetmyselfthe

helloutofthisridiculoussituation.

Andrightthatmoment,years,alifetime,generationsofDNAcodingseemedtogetreversed.Because

myinstinctwasn'ttosimplypanicandflee.Myinstinctwasn'tnecessarilyflight.

Itwasfight.

Iwasgoingtofight.
"Don'tmakemeholdyoudownagain,"headdedashepushedback,releasingmywrists.
Ipulledmyarmsdownfromabovemyhead,wincingatthesting,seeingbandsofpurplealready

formingfromhishands.

Seeingmelookingdownatthem,heexhaledhard,drawingmyattention.Hedidn'tsaythewords.I

couldseeinhiseyesthathewantedto,buthedidn'tbecausehecouldn'tbecauseitwouldmakehimlook
bad.Buthisfingermoveddownandtouchedoneofthebruisebraceletsformingandgavemealookthat
saiditforme.

Sorry.
Butsorrywasn'tgoodenough.
Sorrywasweakandsadandemptywhenitdidn'thaveanactionbehindit.
SoasIslowlysatbackup,Ipointedlylookedaway,andIdidn'tgivehimacceptance.
ItwentagainstmynormalnatureandIalmostfeltbadaboutit.Butthefactofthematterwas,Icouldn't

becreatingsomekindofemotionalbondwithmykidnapperbecauseIintendedtodowhateverthehellI
neededtodotogetaway.Ifthatmeantcrawlingoverhisdeadbodytodoit.

Ihadspentwaytoomuchofmylifehidingaway,beingscared,notexperiencingthings.AndIhad

finally,finallystartedgettingalifeoutsideofthat.

Iwasn'tlosingthat.
Iwasn'tgoingtogodownwithoutafight.
Thecarrideseemedtostretchonforever,longenoughforaheavyfeelingtosettleinmystomach,

somethingakintodread,withnothingbutmythoughtsandsomeear-aching,poorlyrecordedstreetcorner
raptolistento.

Sightspassed,familiar,buthazywithhowlongsinceIhadseenthem.
IcouldfeelacoldsweatstartallovereveryinchofskinaswecrossedintoaplaceIhadonlyever

beenoncebeforeandthenonlybecausetheyhousedJersey'sbiggestaquarium.Ihadgonewithmyuncle
andwehadparkedclosetothedoorsandgotoutoftownbeforeitgotdark.Paranoid?Maybe.Butthen
again,whenatownhadthekindofreputationthatCamdendidforcrime,itwaswisetonottakeany
chances.

Wedrovepastanareathatwasbusy,peoplemillinginandoutofstores,nothingtheleastbit

threateninginsight.Butthefurtherwedrove,thelesspeopleIsaw,themoreboarded-up,half-dilapidated
buildingswepassed.Graffitiwithvaryinglevelsofartistictalentcoveredsomeoftheemptybuildings,
somestandingoutmorethanothers:

Stopthehate.
RaiseCamdenUp.
Getrichortrysharing.
Ialmostgotastrange,warmfeelinginmychest.ForalloftwominutesuntilIspottedtheimageofa

womantakingupthewholesideofabuilding,naked,cuppingherbreasts,alaserbeamshootingoutof
herwho-haandthatfeelingslippedrighttheheckaway.

Wedrovedownanarrowstreet-linedononesidebysmall,squatstorefronts,mostofwhichdidn't

seemtohaveanywindows,andtheothersideagraffiti-coveredretainingwall.Imomentarilywondered
whatitwashidingbehindituntilweslowedsuddenlyandturnedintoanopengateanddrovebehindsaid
retainingwall.

Andthedominantthoughtthatbrokethroughrightthenwas-achainlinkfencewasclimbable,a

retainingwallwasn't.

Oncethegateclosed,Iwasn'tgettingbackout.
Luckily,itdidn'tseemtobesomehigh-functioningoperationbecausenoonewasmanningthegates

andthetwomenIsawonthegroundswerestandinginacornersmoking.Theydidn'tevenlookupwhen

wepulledin.

Myheartwentintomythroatasthecarstoppedandthepassengerwentinsidewithoutevenlooking

back.Albertgotoutofhissideandmovedaroundthehoodto,Iassume,comegetme.Buttheguyinthe
driverwasstillthere.

Thedoorswereunlocked.
And,withoutevenreallybeingconsciousofcomingupwiththeidea,Iwedgedmyarmbetweenthe

dooranddriver'sseat,grabbedtheseatpull,andshovedmyfeetagainstthebackofhisseat.Hecrashed
intothesteeringwheelwithacurseasIflewtotheothersideofthebackseatwhereAlberthadbeen
sitting,grabbedthehandle,andjumpedoutside.

Ididn'tlooktoseeifIwasbeingfollowed.
Ididn'tletmyselfthinkthatitwasashittytownandanythingcouldhappentomeouttheretoo.
Ijustran.
Itorethroughthegatesandhitthestreet,mypulseslamminginmyears,sohardthatIdidn'thearthe

footstepsbehindme.

IhadnowarningbeforethehandsgrabbedmywaistfrombehindjustasIreachedtheendofthe

windingretainingwall-justabreathawayfromachanceoffreedom.

"Don'tfight,"anewlyfamiliarvoicesaidanewlyfamiliarphrase.And,well,Iwasn'texactlygoingto

dowhatIwastold,wasI?Ikickedupandtriedtobreakfree,clawingatthearmsholdingme.Isuckedin
abreathtoscreamonlytohaveahandclamparoundmymouth."Sweetheart,stop,"hesaid,noteventhe
slightestbitoutofbreathasIsuddenlyfeltmyselfpulledbackward.

Butthefurtherhedraggedmebackward,themoreIfought-scratching,clawing,biting,throwingmy

bodyweightasfarashistightholdwouldallow.

Ididn'tevenstopwhenIwaspulledinsidethegatesandheardthemslambehindme,asIwasdragged

uptowardthebuildingIhadn'tevenbeenawareofbefore-lowandwindowless,lookingjustas
abandonedasmanyoftheotherswehadpassedonthewayin.Butjudgingbythesmallgroupofmen
standinginthedoorway,itjustlookedemptyforappearancessake,likelytokeepthecopsfromsnooping
around.

"Youstupidfuckingcunt,"thedriverhissedaswegotcloser,rubbinghischestthathadtohavebeen

bruisedfromthecollisionwiththesteeringwheel."Ican'tfuckingwaittomakeyoupayforthat.Show
youwhatIhadplannedtodobeforeyourlittleboyfriendsavedyourasslasttime.Infact,meandallthe
boysherewouldprollylikea..."

"Shutthefuckupandgetoutofmygoddamnway,"Albertsnapped,makingacoupleoftheothers

chuckle."YouwantmetotellDomyou'rethereasonwe'restandingoutinbroadmotherfuckingdaylight
withaprisonerwhenweshouldbeinsideandoutofsightfrompryingeyes?"

Atthat,themanactuallypaledandIfeltmystomachclenchsohardIdoubledforwardasmuchas

Albert'sholdwouldallow.IfthatscumbagpaledatthementionofDom'sname,hemusthavebeena
wholenewworldofbad.

Andmyfatewasinhishands.
AlbertmovedtopushmeforwardandIcouldn't,Ijustcouldn'tthinkofanythingelsetodobutplant

myfeet.SothatwaswhatIdid.Albert'sarmonmystomachdidalittlesqueeze,almostreassuring,before
ittightenedandliftedmeupoffmyfeetandcarriedmeawkwardlytowardthedoorway,themenmoving
outofthewaytoallowustopass.

Theinsidewasasdarkasonewouldthinkfromtheoutside.Itdidn'thelpthatthewallswerepainteda

graysodarkthatitwasalmostblack.Thewallsthemselveswerecinderblock,narrow,leadinginalong
hallwaybackthatseemedtoforkoffinthreedifferentdirections.

IwasvaguelyawareoftheshuffleoffootstepsbehindusasAlberttookthehalltotherightand

halfwaydownmovedintothedoorwayofaroom.Itwasmassive.Initsformerlife,itmighthavebeen

usedassomekindofreccenterorgymorconferencehall.Thewallswerestillcinderblock,dark,and
windowless.Buttheceilinghadlongstripsofoverheadfluorescentlightingthatmademewinceatthe
unnaturalnessofit.Towardtheleftsideoftheroomagainstthewall,asifconfirmingmysuspicionsabout
thespace,wasasmallstagemaybeonlythreefeetofftheground.

Onthatstagewasthreechairs.
InthecenterchairwasDom.
Therewasnomistakinghim.
HeandAlbertcouldhavebeentwins.
Everythingabouthimseemeddarkandcruelfromhiseyestohisallblackjeansandteetothescar

downonesideofhisface.Andhewassittingtherelikehewassomefreakingkingholdingcourt.

"Well,finally,"hesaid,hisvoicealittlemorenasalthanhisbrother's,atraitIfoundalmostamusing

evengiventhesituation."Takethegoddamnscenicroute?"

"Thecuntgot..."thedriverstarted.
"Iwastalkingtomybrother,"Domcuthimoff."Thestupidcuntdidwhat,Al?"heaskedandagainst

Albert'shand,Icouldfeelmylipcurlupatthat.Youcouldtellalotaboutamanwithhowfreelythey
usedthe'c-word'.

Giventhestateoflittlebloodyclawmarksallupanddownhisarmsandface,hewasn'texactlyina

positiontolie."Putupabitofafight,"Alsaid,doingthebelly-squeezethingagainandeverythinginme
wantedtoturnaroundandhithimashardasmyadmittedlymuchsmallerframewouldallow.Howdare
hetrytoreassureme,callmesweetheartwhenhewasbringingmehomelikearattohisowner?

"Iseethat,"Domsaid,lookingoverhisbrotherbeforehiseyesmovedtome.Andtheydidan

inspection-overmyface,mychest,mystomach,mylegs.EveryinchofmybodyfeltgreasyandIhada
strange,almostoverwhelmingurgetoclawmyskinoff,liketherewerebugsunderit,liketheywere
squirming."Oh,well,"hesaid,givingmeasmile."Howcomeyouguysalwaysleaveoutthebestparts?
She'saprettylittlehellion,huh?Thinkshe'sgotaprettycunttogowiththatprettyface?"

Oh,God.
Iclosedmyeyes,tryingtoforcemyselftotakeabreath,tryingtonotgetsick,whilealso

simultaneouslywishingtherewasawaytoholdmybreathuntilIdiedwithoutsurvivalinstinctkicking
in...ormaybechokingonmyownsick.Anything,literallyanythingotherthanlivingthroughhisandhis
mens'handsonme.

"Whydon'tyoubringheralittlecloser,Al?Ineedtohavealittlechatwithher.Albertliftedmeup

again,puttingmebackdownonmyfeetwithmytoesactuallytouchingthestage."Ithinkyoucanlether
gonow,"Domsaid,wavingadismissivehandtowardtheseatnexttohim,invitinghisbrotherup."She
can'tgetanywherewithRaystandingguard,rightRay?"heaskedand,despitemyself,Iturnedmyhead
eversoslightlytoseethedriver.Ray.

"Right.She'snotgoinganywhereuntilIgetallupinthattightassofhers."
"They'llbeatimeforthatlater,"Domsaid,makingmybellyslosharoundominously."Firstthings

first,wehaveanotherguesttowaitfor."

Therewasreallyonlyoneotherpersontheycouldmean.
Bry.
Oh,God,Bry.
Iswallowedpastthebilerisinginmythroat,knowingexactlywhatwasinourfuture.Brywouldshow

upandthenwewouldtaketurnswatchingtheothergettorturedinvarious,God-awfulways.

Andinthatmoment,facedwithmygrimfuture,onlyonethoughtreallycametomind.
Ryan.
Ryanandhisperfecteyes,hiskindsmile,hisreassuringwords,hishandsthatcouldbebothgentleand

roughindeliciousways.HandsIwouldprobablynevergettofeelagain.EyesthatIwouldneverlook

into.AsmilethatIwouldn'tfeelwarmedby.WordsIwouldneverhear.

Allthatwasleftformewaspainandfearandugliness.
And,despitemyself,Iwonderedifhewouldevenknowwhathappenedtome.Hewasagoodman.

HewouldfigureouteventuallythatIwasmissingandnotvoluntarilyandhewouldlookforme.But
wouldheeverfindme?Wouldtherebeabodytobefound?WouldIjustbepiecesdiscardedallover?

WithtearsyetagainstingingatmyeyesasIlookeddownatmyfeet,Iwonderedonelastcrazything:

wouldhemissme?Itwascrazybecauseitwasirrational.Maybehewouldmissmeinasmallway,ina
'wehadaninterestingtime'way.Butthingsweresonew.Wehadonlygottenacoupledaystogether.We
hadonlyhadsextwice.Toamanlikehim,thatprobablywasn'tevenabigdeal.Whiletome,itwas
everything.Hewaseverything.

IguessitwasluckyIgottohavehimforabitthough.Itwaslesspatheticofalifestory.Girlwho

grewupdraggedaroundlikeluggage,easilydroppedoffwhenshewasn'tneededorwanted,thenbuilta
decentlifeonlytoloseitallbecauseofamentalillnessandthenberapedandbrutallykilledbydrug
dealers.

Atleasttherewasatinylittleromanceintheretocheeritupabit.
Beforethetragicend.
"So,you'retheonewhohasbeenkeepinganeyeonmydrugsformeforthepastcoupleofyears,huh?

Everdigintothestash?"heasked,makingmyheadwhipup.

Ididn'tknowwhatcameoverme,butIcouldn'tkeepthewordsin."I'mnotsomelowlifedrugaddict."
"Oh,shespeaks,"Domsaid,smilingwickedly."Gotthatsweetkindavoicetoo.Ilikethat.They

screambetter.Right,Al?"heasked,slappingahandintohisbrother'sarm.

"Wouldn'tknow,"Alanswered,lookingatme.
"Yeah,thisfuck.Suchagoddamnchoirboy."
"I'mprettysurenotrapingwomendoesn'tmakehimachoirboy.Justadecenthumanbeing."
Yeah,Icouldn'tkeepthatineither.
IapparentlygotabitmouthywhenIwasabouttobetorturedandkilled.
AtleastIwouldn'tgooutlikeameeklittlemouse.Ihadspentenoughofmylifelikethat-scaredof

thingsthatneverhappened,scaredofstupid,invisiblemonsters.Facedwithreal-lifeones,Iwasn'tgoing
tocowerandcryandletthefearwinout.

"Oh,spitfire.Likethattoo.Iseeyouliketoputupafight,"hesaid,motioningtowardhisbrotherwho,

nowthatIgotagoodlookathim,didlooklikehe'dbeenthroughthewringer.Hehadnasty,stillbleeding
cutsfrommynailsupanddownhisforearmsandtwomoredownhischeek.Therewasasemi-circle
bruiseonthesoftfleshbetweenhisthumbandforefingerwhereIhadbithimmomentary,butwithevery
bitofforcemyjawhad.

IhadnorealresponsetoDom'scommentsoIkeptmymouthshut,focusingontryingtorememberto

breatheandkeepswallowingbackthebileIfeltcreepingupmythroatwitheachpassingsecond.

TherewasabitofashuffletotheoutsideoftheroomandIfeltmyselftenseasitmovedcloser.

"Boss,"someonecalledfromoutsidethedoor."He'shere."

No.
Nonono.
Whythehellwouldhecome?
Hehadtohaveknownitwasatrap,thathecouldn'tsaveme.
Iknewhelovedme,butwhatgoodwoulditdotocomeandsimplywatchbadthingshappentome?

Andthengethurtandlikelykilledhimself?

"Sendhimin,"DomsaidandIcouldfeelhiseyesonmyprofileasIturnedtofacethedoor.
Therewasmoreshufflingthen,likeanightmareIcouldn'twakeupfrom,inwalkedBry.
Hisgazedidn'tevendriftaroundtheroom.

Hiseyesfoundmyfaceandstayedthereasheapproached,reachingdowntograbmyhandandholding

itsotightthatIwasgenuinelyworriedaboutthebonespossiblybreaking.

"That'srealsweet,"Domsaid,givingusanastysneer."Ain'tthatsweet,Ray?"heasked.
"Beevensweeterforhimtowatchmefuckhiswomanuntilshescreams."
TherewasasoundcomingfromBrythatIhadneverheardbefore.Itcamefromdeepinhischestand

wasasortofrumbling,somethingakintoagrowl.Whenhebroughthisbuddytomyplace,sometimeshe
couldbeabitcooleranddetached.Normallywhenhewasaroundme,hewasgoodandsweetand
observantandfunny.Ihadneverreallyseenhimtrulyangry.

Butmakenomistake,atthatcomment,hewaspissed.Hisentirebodyfeltlikeitwasvibratingwithit.
Sowhenhespoke,hedidn'tmindhistoneorthewordshesaideither."Whatthefuckdoyouwant

fromus,Dom?Yougotyourpillsback.Don'tthinkIdon'tknowitwasthatfuck,"hesaid,gesturing
towardRay,"andoneofyourotherlackeyswhodiditeither."

"Smart,"Domsaid,nodding."Gotwordthatyourpracticeswere'ttheonesweagreedon.WhatIwant

withyou,"hesaid,liftingabrow,"istomakeanexamplesoeveryoneelseknowsnottofuckwiththe
rules."

"TherewerenomotherfuckingrulesaboutwhereIputthegoddamnsupply,Dom,andyouknowit."
Whatthehellwashedoing?
Ilookedathisprofile,myeyesbuggingout,givinghishandasqueezethatIhopedrelayedthemessage

Iwastryingtodeliverwithmyeyes:Whatareyoutryingtopissthemoff?Shutthehellup!

Anddespiteknowingeachothermostofourlivesandbeingabletohavenonverbalconversationslike

that,hewascompletelyignoringme.

"It'ssomethingthatmyothermensimplyunderstand."
"Well,nowithasbeenclarified.Idon'tseehowanyofthiscouldhavegottenaroundanyway,Dom.

Unless,RayandhisbuddyweretalkingseeingasI'mtheonlyonedealinginNavesinkBank.Can'tfigure
outwhyI'mbeingmadeanexampleofwhenyougotsomeguyswithloosefuckinglipswhichisamuch
biggerthreattoyourorganization."

"Enough,"Domsaid,wavingahandtowardBry.
ApparentlythatwassomesortofnonverbalcuebecausethenextthingIknew,Raywasacrossthe

room,grabbingBry,pullinghimtotheside.Hishandsqueezedmine,againlikereassurance,beforeIlost
itcompletely.WhenItriedtoreachforhimagain,Rayreachedoutwithhisfreehandandshoved-
catchingmeoff-guardandsendingmefallingtothefloor.

Ilandedonmysidewithashootingofpainfrommyhiptomyshoulder.
ButIbarelyregisteredit,allmyattentionfocusedonBryashewaspulledaway.Whenhetriedto

doublebacktome,seeingmefall,Ray'sarmcockedbackandswung,landingsolidlyintohiscenterand
makinghimfalltohisknees,gaspinghardforbreath.

"No!"Ishrieked,unabletokeepitin,hysteriabubblinguplikeneverbefore.
"Shutthefuckup,cunt,oritwillbeyounexttime."
Ididn'thearashuffle.Ididn'thearanyofthemenshouting.
Ididn'thearanythingoutofwhatwastheordinary.
Exceptthenextsecond,avoicethathadn'tbeenintheroombeforespoke,breakingthroughthetension

likethecrackofawhip.

"Caretocallmeacunttoo?Imean,Idohavetherightbodypartsforit."
Andtherewasawoman.
Really,onelookatherandyourealizedshewasn'tmerelyawoman;shewasaforcetobereckoned

with.Itwasn'tthatshewasoverlybulkyorbutchorintimidating.Actually,shehadaperfectlycurved,
femininebodywithlonglegs,aflareofhips,andagreatrack.Shewasdressedinsomewhatmilitary
fashionwithcamouflageprintedutilitypantsandatightnude-coloredtanktop.Shehadlongblondehair

andintelligent,observantwarmbrowneyes.Buttherewasjustsomethingabouther.Therewasanairof
authorityandstrength.

Shestoodinthedoorwaywithherheadcockedtotheside,calmascouldbe.Likeitwaseveryday

shewalkedintoadrugdealer'scompound.

Iworriedmomentarilythatmaybethatwasbecauseshewasapartoftheirorganizationorsomething.

ThatwasuntilDomstiffenedinhischair."Whothefuckareyou?"

"I'mLo.Andthis,"shesaid,movingtothesideandallowinganotherwomantostepin.Shewas

younger,black-haired,blue-eyed,andcoveredintattoos,"isJstorm.Andthis,"shewentonasJstorm
filedintoallowspaceinthedoorwayagain,"isRyanMallick,"shesaidandIfeltlikemybellydropped
tomyfeet.

Ryan?
ButevenasIwastryingtoconvincemyselfthatIwashearingthings,hallucinating,losingmyever-

lovingmind,hesteppedin.

JustlikewhenBrywalkedin,hedidn'tlookatthemenonthestage.Hedidn'tlookatBryonthe

groundorRaystandingoverhim.Hiseyeswentandstayedonme.Thereseemedtobeathousandwords
intheirlightdepths.

Butitwasn'tthetimeorplace.
"Whatthefuckareyoudoinghereandwherethefuckaremymen?"Domhissed,sittingupstraight,

butseemingtorefusetoleavehismakeshiftthrone.

"Funnystory,"Losaid,leaningbackagainstthedoorway,casualasyouplease.Whothehellwasthe

woman?"Youemployabunchofstreetratswithabsolutelynotraining.Imeanthefirstguytopullagun
onme,hehelditoutatmeonanangle.Forfuck'ssake.Likeagangsterinamovie.Ridiculous.Needless
tosay,theywereeasytodisarmandgetcontrolover.MineandMallick'speoplehavethemallcorralled
intooneoftheotherrooms."

Theyhadthemcorralledintoaroom.
So,theyessentially...hadcontroloverthesituation?
Iwasn'tgoingtoberapedandmurdered.
"You'renotaspathetic-lookingasyousoundedonthephone,"theotherwoman,Jstorm,said,directed

itseemedtoBry.

"Gee,thanks,"Brysaid,stillsoundingwindedandIworriedabouthisribs.
"Whyareyouhere?Youwantthefuckinggirl?"Domasked,wavingahandtowardmeanditwasright

aboutthenIthoughttopickmyselfupslightly,gettingontomyknees.

"Wewillbetakingthegirl,"Losaid,alittleedgeinhervoice."Wewillalsobetakingyourformer

dealerwithusaswell."

"That'swhereIamgoingtodrawtheline,"Domsaid,voicegettingfirm."Heismine.Hefuckedup.I

gettodealwithhimhoweverthefuckIwant."

"It'sfunny,you'retalkinglikeyouhaveanyleveragehere.Youdon't."
"Idon'tknowwhothefuck..."Domstarted,gettingupoffhischairandreachingintothewaistbandof

hisjeans.

Ihadseenenoughmoviestoknowwhathekeptthere.
AndIknewenoughaboutoddstoknowhecouldprobablyputabulletinatleastoneoftheother

peopleintheroombeforetheycouldgetoutagunandputoneinhim.Iftheyevenhadguns.IknewRyan
wasaloansharkandeverything,butIwasprettysureheneverhadagunonhimwhenIwasaroundhim.

But,asfatewouldhaveit,hishandneverreachedhisgun.
Because,inanactionthatInevercouldhavepredictednomatterhowmanytimesIcouldreimagine

thesituation,Albertstoodandraisedahand.IcaughtaflashofsilverbeforeIheardthebang.

ThentheentiresideofDom'sheadexploded.

Exploded.
Redshotoutofoneside,splatteringeverywhereashisbodywobbledthencollapsed.
Asmuchasithurtsmypridetoadmitit,Iscreamed.
AndImean...screamed.
Anditdidn'tstopuntilIfeltahandclampovermyeyesasanarmwentaroundmycenterandpulled

mebackward.

Ididn'tneedtoseetoknow.
Ryan.

SEVENTEEN

Ryan

TheplanJstormcameupwithwassurprisinglysimple.Therewasn'tevenahintofflaretoit.Itwasa

cutanddryinvasion,disarmament,andcontainment.Really,thatwasit.We,whichmeantme,Lo,Jstorm,
theguydrivingwhosenamewasMalcolm,alongwithaboutadozenorsootherpeopleinaccompanying
SUVsandmyentirefamilywhofollowedbehindintheirown,myfuckingmotherincluded,allclimbed
outofthecarsinunisonafteroneofLo'smenintheSUVbehindusgotoutandpickedthelockforthegate
sowecouldalldrivein.

ThenLohoppedoutandwalkedrightuptothefirstguywhosawourpresence,somekidwithaGlock

whohelditoutatananglewhichLoapparentlyfoundsoamusingthatshethrewherheadbackand
laughedbeforeherrightarmwentacrossherbody,grabbingthewholesideofthegunthenbringingher
leftfistupinanuppercuttotheman'sjaw.Itwascomicalhowfasthewasknockedoutandontheground
andLoinpossessionofhisgun.

Fromthere,everyoneelsefiledoutoftheirrespectivevehiclesandIwashandedagun,lookingback

toseemyparentsandbrothershadbroughttheirown,somethingweveryrarely,almostnevercarried.

Andthenwesimplymovedin,everyoneaware,eachtakingdownathreatbeforetheycouldscreamor

getashotoff-alarmingthebosstoourpresence.

Oncetheywereallfiledintooneroomontheirknees,Lo'sguysandgirlsandmyfamilytherekeeping

aneye,thethreeofusmoveddownthehalltothesoundofvoices.

HadInotgottenaverysternwarningfromLoandthenJstorm,thelattermuchmorefilledwithpiss

andvinegar,aboutstayingcalmandlettingLolead,Iwouldhavefuckingdartedacrossthatroomtoher.

Never,neverinmyfuckinglifehadIbeenevenasclosetoworriedaboutsomethingorsomeoneasI

hadbeenaboutheroverthepasttwohours.Itwasaconstant,overwhelming,all-consumingsickfeeling.
EveryGod-awfulworstcasescenarioflashedacrossmymind.

Seeingherdownonthatfloor,everythingwithinmebeggedmetorunovertoher,toslidemyhands

overherandmakesureshewasn'thurtanywhere.

ButIcouldn't.
IowedLoandHailstormmorethanjustthemoneyIwouldpaythemforthis.Iowedthemmyrespect

andcooperation.

SoIstayedwhereIwas.
AndItookcomfortinthefactthatshewasfullydressed,notevenashoekickedoff,sotheworst-case

haddefinitelynothappened.Andasidefromwhatlookedtobebruisesonherwristsandtherednessin
hereyesthathintedattears,thereseemedtobenoinjuries.

Icouldlookheroverassoonasthesituationwashandled.
Factofthematterwas,thesituationwasstillsomewhatvolatileuntilDom,Albert,andRayCleaver

wereneutralized.

ThelastthingIcouldhaveexpected,though,wasagoddamnmutiny.
Brothertakingoutbrother.
Itwasfuckingbiblicalinitssimplicity.
Onebullettotheheadandnoneofusevenhadtogetourhandsdirty.
LoandJstormeachraisedtheirguns,unsureofthesituation,asDustyscreamed,herfacetwistedupin

horrorasshesatfrozen,watchingthebullettearthroughDom'sskull,watchingbrainmattersplatter
everywhere,watchinghisdeadbodyfalltotheground.

And,well,fucktherules.
Fuckrespectandgratitude.
Sheneededmeandtheywouldjusthavetofuckingdealwiththat.
Irushedupbehindher,clampingmyhandoverhereyes,wrappingmyarmaroundhercenter,and

draggingherbackward,eyesfocusedonthemanwiththegun.

Brytwistedfromhisposition,lettingoutacryofpainanditwasclearhehadabustedribortwo,but

hediditanyway,knockingintoRay'skneesandsendinghimflyingontohisback.

"Well,that'scertainlynotalossforanyofus,"Losaid,calmaseverandIwaslefttowonderwhat

kindoffuckedupthingsshehadoverseenandbeeninvolvedininhercareertomakehersounflappable.

"Iwaslookingforanopportunitytodothat,"Albertadmitted,voicealittleroughand,Iguessed,

killingyourownbrotherwoulddothattoaman.Hehelduphishandsforasecond,showingsubmission,
thenslowlyloweredhisguntotheground,kickingitaway.

"Notthatwe'renotpleasedaspunchtonothavetodoitourselves,butcaretotelluswhy?"
"Everknowarealscumbag...Lo,wasit?"heasked,sittingbackdown."Andnotinpassing.Imean

knowthem.Breakbreadwiththem,sharefuckingholidayswiththem.Andhavetolistentothatshit,listen
tothembragaboutallthetwistedshittheyhavedone?Thementheyhavetorturedandkilled?Thewomen
theyhaverapedandorderedberaped?Ifyouhadevenacluewhatthatwaslike,youwouldunderstand
this."

"Sure,butwhynow?"LopressedandIwasvaguelyawareofBryclimbingontopofRayandstarting

tobeattheever-lovingshitoutofhim.Which,well,Icouldn'tfaulthim.Ihadbeatenthatmanmyself.

JstormmovedfromLo'ssideandwenttostandbythemento,Iimagined,makesureshestoppedBry

beforehekilledtheman.

"Icouldn'tlethimgethishandsonher,"Alsaid,wavingahandtowardwhereIstillhadDustypulled

againstme,herbodyhavingcompletelycollapsedagainstme,herchestjerkinginsuchawaythatshe
musthavebeencrying,albeitsilently."It'sbadfuckingenoughtoknowthebastarddidthatshittowomen
butnotknowingofitatthetime.It'sacompleteothertobeorderedtobringawomantobebeatenand
rapedandkilled."

"Butyoudidbringherhere,"Lospecified,tryingtounderstand.
"Oncehehadhislittleaudiencewithher,IfiguredIcouldsneakheroutandsaysheescaped.This

placeisonlyimpenetrablefromthefront.Thebackofthebuildingisloadedwithwindowsandshitfor

theoldclassrooms."

"Youcouldhaveletmerunaway,"Dustysaid,surprisingmeenoughtodropmyhand.Hervoicehad

beenloud,seemingtoexplodeoutwardfromher.And,sousedtoherspeakingsoquietly,tomurmuring
andwhisperingandtentativelyspeakingheropinion,itwasshocking."Igotaway.Iwasoutandyou
draggedmeback!"

"Sweetheart,"Albertsaid,shakinghishead."Therewerefourguysinthatyard.Theywouldhavetold

DomthatIletyougo."

"Alright,"Lointerrupted."Sowhatnow?"sheasked,lookingatAlbert.
ItwasrightaboutthentoothatJstorm,withastringofprofanities,triedtogetBryoffofRay.Whenhe

didn'trespondtoanyofthat,sheliftedherheavycombat-bootedfootandslammeditintohiships,
knockinghimoff.

"Itakeover.Youtakeyourpeopleandleave.Youneverhearaboutusagain."
Lopursedherlips."Thatcouldwork.Justawarning,we'reputtingoutwordtoallthelocaldealersto

keepaneyeoutfornewpeopleonourstreets.Tosaytheywon'thandleitnearlyasamicablyasweare
rightnowwouldbeanunderstatement."

"We'llstayoutofNavesinkBank,"Albertsaidwithanodand,despitenotknowingthemanfrom

Adam,Ibelievedhim.

"YoustaytwentymilesoutofNavesinkBankinalldirectionsorwecomebackwithoneofJstorm's

creations.They'reofthebigbangvariety,"shespecifiedwithwhatseemedlikeanalmostmaternalsmile
totheyoungerwoman.

"Understood,"Albertagreed.
LokepthereyesonAl,butaddressedme."Whydon'tyouguysgoaheadandheadout?"shesuggested,

reachinginherpocketandtossingakey."Bry,youtoo.We'lldropyouatthehospitaloncewe'rebackin
town,"sheadded.

Ididn'thesitate,IgrabbedDustyandIdraggedherwithme,findingheroddlyuncooperative.Butwe

weregivenanoutandIwasfuckingtakingit.Ipulledherthroughthehalls,noddingmyheadatShaneas
hecaughtmyeyewhenwepassedtheroomwheretheywereholdingDom's,nowAl's,people.

ThenweexplodedoutsideandIdidn'tstopuntilIhauledherupintothebackseatoftheSUVIhad

driventoCamdeninandslammedandlockedthedoors.Brygavemealookthatsaidhedidn'twantto,
butwouldgivemeafewalonewithherandstayedoutsidethecar.

"Dusty,honey,breathe,"Idemanded,tryingtokeepmyvoicecalm,butmorethanabitofdesperation

seepedintomytone.

Shewasn'tevenlookingatme,hereyeshugeandseeminglyunseeing.Myhandreachedoutand

pressedintoherstomachhard."Breathe,"Irepeated.

Thatseemedtogetthroughasshesuckedinairgreedily,herbellyexpanding.Hereyesmovedtome,

lookingatmelikeshewasseeingmeforthefirsttime.

Andthenthedamjust...broke.
Hereyeswelledupandsheface-plantedintomychest,herarmswrappingaroundmycenterhard

enoughtomakeitdifficulttobreathe.

"It'sokay,"Imurmured,handsslidingaroundher,slippingupherback,andsiftingthroughherhair."I

gotyou,"Iadded,pullingherforwardandontomylap.

"How...did..."shestarted,snifflinghardinawayIshouldn'thavefoundamusing,butshewasalive,

unharmed,andinmyarms.SoIwasgoingtogoaheadandbecharmedbyit.

"Thetenantintheotherpenthouse.Hethoughtsomethingwasupandlookedoutthewindowandsaw

yougetsnatched.Hecalledme.WecalledHailstorm.Yousawtherest."

"What...is...Hailstorm?"
"That'sagoodfuckingquestion,"Iagreed,lookingoutthefrontwindowasLo,Jstorm,andMalcolm

walkedoutfirst,carefullyfollowedbymyfamilyandthentherestofLo'speoplewhospreadout,turned
tofacethebuildingwithgunsoutstill,andwalkedbackwardtowardthecars,creatingahumanwall.

Trained.
Highly,highlytrained.
WhateverthefuckHailstormdid,Ibettheydiditwell.
Myfathertappedslightlyonthewindowashepassed,givingmeanod,thenmovingofftohisSUV.
Bryclimbedintheothersideofthebackseat,JstormmovingpastustoanotherSUVandLoand

Malcolmhoppedinaswell.

Then,likewehadjuststoppedforaquicklatedinner,weallpulledoffandleft.
Asforme,Ididn'tpullabreathuntilwewerebackonamainstreetagain.Asifsimilarlyafflicted,no

oneelseseemedinclinedtobreakthesilenceeither.

Itwasn'tuntilweclearedoutofthecountylinesbeforesomeonefinallydid.Andthatsomeone,

unsurprisingly,wasBry.

"HeySunshine,"hecalledquietly,extremelyhesitantly,usingherhatedmiddlename.Iknewhewas

feelingguilt.Though,really,itwasjustanimpossiblesituationandshewas,afterall,okay."Don'tbemad
atme,Dust,"heurged,needy,desperateforforgiveness.

"I'mnotmadatyou,"shemumbledagainstmychest.
"Youcan'tevenlookatme,"hepointedout.
"Iwaslookingatyouplentyinthere.Tryingtosilentlycommunicatetoyouto..."
"ShutthefuckupbeforeIgotthebothofuskilled,"heagreed,nodding,makingherheadpopupto

lookathim."Iknow."

"Andyet..."
"Iknewnothingwasgoingtohappen,Dusty.Iwouldn'tputyouindangeronpurpose.Youfucking

knowmebetterthanthat.Ijust...thatmotherfuckerhadmenbeatyouandstealyoursafelittlehavenfrom
you.Andthenhadyoufuckingkidnappedontopofitall?Icouldn'tjuststandtherelikeabitchandnotsay
somethingaboutit."

"IkindofmouthedofftoDomtoosoIguessIcan'tblameyou,"shesaid,swipingathercheeks,not

evenattemptingtomoveawayfrommeandIwouldn'thavehaditanyotherfuckingway.

"You?"BryaskedexactlywhatIwaswondering."Youdon'tmouthofftoanyone."
"Apparentlywhenpeoplemakejokesaboutrapingme,Ido."
IcouldseeBrypale,likelyfeelingthesamesinkingfeelinginhisgutattheveryideaofherhavingto

listentothatshit.

Therewasalong,tensepauseasBrylookedather,browsdrawntogether."You'renotfreakingout,"

heobserved,lookingutterlyconfusedbythat.

"I'vebeen,ah,gettingusedtobeingdraggedaroundagainstmywishes,"sheadmittedwithawobbly

littlesmileasshelookedupatme.

"Rememberthelasttimeyouwereout?"Bryasked,gettingmyattentionandherstooasshelooked

backathim."Wewereouttoalatelunchbecausethat'swhenthedinerwasthemostemptyandwe
figureditwouldbeokay."

"Bry..."shesaid,shakingherhead,obviouslynothappywiththememory.
"Thewayyouwereshakingandthatlookofabsolutefuckingterrorinyoureyes,Dusty,Ineverthought

Iwouldeverseeyououtsideagainwithoutthatlook.Andhereweareafteryougotfuckingkidnapped
andyoudon'thavethatlook."Hepausedthere,exhalingadeepbreathandgivingmeashortglance."I
haveyoutothankforthat,"hesaid,acceptingarealityIknewwaskillinghim.Iwasgoodforher.I
helpedherwherehecouldn't."I'mhappyforyou,"headdedashelookedbackather,hiseyesrelaying
somemessagethewayonlysiblingsoroldfriendscould,somethingIcouldn'tdecipher,butithadDusty
reachingoutandtakinghishand,givingitasqueezebeforedroppingitagainandrestingitonmychest.

ItwasrightaboutthenthatIsawLo.
Shewascompletelyturnedaroundinherseatandwatchingus,strangewhimsicallittlesmileinplace.
"Oh,don'tmindme,"shesaid,shakingherhead."Ineedsomepopcornorsomething.Ilovemeagood

romance.Whyisnoonekissing?"sheaddedwithateasinglaugh.

ApparentlyLo-badassladybossoffuckingHailstormwhohadjustnegotiatedadealthatsavedtwo

peopleIcaredaboutafterneutralizinganentiregangandwatchingamanbemurdered,withoutevena
blink-wasafuckingromantic.

Gofuckingfigure.
"So,whatnow?"sheaskedwheneveryonesattheresomewhatuncomfortablyatherprevious

comment."Imean,Ifigureyoutwowilldothehappilyeverafterthing,"shesaid,smilingatmeand
Dusty."Iwantaninvitetothewedding,bytheway,"sheaddedandDustylaughed,makingasmilepullat
mylips."Butwhataboutyou?"sheaskedBry.

Tothat,heletoutastrangesnort."FuckifIknow.Idon'thaveanyotherskills."
"Um,bull,"Dustysaid,shakingherhead."Youhaveplentyofotherskillsyoucoulduse.Dealingwas

theeasywayoutandyouknowit."

"Yeah,andnotfornothing,"Lopipedin,"butthere'snowayThirdStreetorLyonwantanythingtodo

withyounow.Soyourso-calledcareerisoverinNavesinkBank.Timetofindalegitwaytomake
money."

Withthat,asifsensingBryneededaminute,Loturnedforwardandswitchedontheradio.Brylooked

outhiswindow.

Ileaneddown,pressingakisstothesideofDusty'shead."Youokay?"Imurmured,givinghera

squeeze.

Shetookadeepbreathandturnedherheadupsoitwasinmyneck,plantingasweetkissthere."Iam

now."

"Shouldn'thaveleftyou,"Iadded,shakingmyhead.
IcouldhavehadthemeetingatthehotelandaskedDustytostayintheroomorhadthemeetinginthe

fuckinghall.

Stupidmove.
ButIknewthatifshestayedin,shewassafe.
Inevercouldhavepredictedherleaving.
"Yougavemecompany,"shesaid,lookingup,givingmeanamusedsmile.Itsaidaworld.Shehada

goodtimewithFeeandLea.

"Youhavefunwiththegirls?"
"Isitpossiblenotto?Feeisatrip,"shesaid,shakingherhead.
"Expectacarepackagesoon."
"Ialreadygotacouple."
"Ohyeah?What'dyouget?"
"Justpajamasandgirlstuffandjunkfoodand..."
Shetrailedoff,cheeksgoingtheslightestbitpinkandIknewIhadtoknowifitgaveherthatreaction.

"And?"

"And,"shepressedherlipstogether,thinking,thengavemeasmile."Wecanprobablyfillourown

fishbowlnow,"shesaidandIchuckled.

Feeandhercondoms.
"Thenextcarepackagewillprobablyrequirebatteries,"Itoldher,knowingitwasthedamntruth.

WhensheandLeabecamefriends,Feehaddraggedhertothesextoystoretohelpherpickoutavibrator.
ThatwasjusthowFeewas.

"Oh,well.Ialready..."shestartedtoadmitbeforestoppingherself,lookingaroundself-consciously,

acutelyawarethatwehadanaudience.Butnoonewaspayingattention.

"Oh,really?"Iasked,feelingasomewhatinappropriaterushofarousalattheidea."WheremightI

findsuchitemsinyourapartment?Gottahavetheimportantstuffwithus,right?"

Tothat,shelaughedandIdidn'tthinkIwouldgetmore.Butthensheleanedupslightly,herlips

actuallybrushingmyearandtoldme,"Seconddrawerdowninmynightstand."

Itwasagoddamninopportunetimeformycocktogethard.
Butitdidanyway.
Judgingbythewayhereyeswentjustalittleheated,shefeltit.
"Dusty,"Bry'svoicecalled,makingherjumplikeshewascaughtandIknewwithanabsolutecertainty

thatshewaswetjustthinkingaboutmycock.Which,well,onlymadeitfuckingharder.

"Yeah?"sheasked,hervoicewithjusttheslightesttouchofairlessnesstoitthathedidn't,butIsureas

fuck,knewforwhatitwas-desire.

"Howthefuckdidtheygetyououtofthehotel?"BryaskedthethingIhadbeenwonderingforhours,

butwastoorelievedwithherpresencetoremembertoask.

Loturnedslightlyinherseatagaintoo,interested.Duringtherideup,thewholestoryhadcomeout,

includingthebitsaboutDustybeingagoraphobic.

"Igotaphonecallthatwassupposedlyfromthehospital,"shestarted,shakingherheadlikeshehad

donesomethinggenuinelystupidand,lookingbackatit,wasembarrassed."TheysaidIwasyour
emergencycontact,"shesaid,meaningBry,"andthatyouhadbeenshot.Ididn'treallyevenstoptothink
abouthowstupidthatwas,howtherewasnowayIwasyouremergencycontact.Ijust...ran.Ididn'teven
finishlisteningtothepersononthephone.Ijusttoreoutofthereand...well...theywerecountingonthat."

Well,thatmadealotofsensethen.
Ofcourseitwassomethinglikethat,somethinginvolvingoneoftheonlytwopeoplewholovedher

enoughtostaybyherside.Shecouldn'tleavetosaveherself,butshewasabsolutelythekindwhocould
rallyandleavetobebythesideofsomeonewhowasalwaysathers.

"Youare,"Bry'svoicecutalengthysilenceaswealldigestedherstory.
"Iamwhat?"Dustyasked,headcockedtotheside.
"Youaremyemergencycontact.Alwayshavebeen.Probablyalwaysfuckingwillbe."
"EventhoughIcouldn't..."Dustystarted,onlytobeinterrupted.
"Emergencycontactiswhoyouwantinformedifsomethinghappenstoyou,whoknowsyouandyour

wishesbest.WhothefuckamIgoingtoput?MyfamilyIhaven'tseeninyears?It'syou,Dusty.Always
willbe.Figuredevenifyoucouldn'tleavetheapartment,youcouldtellthemoverthephonethatthey
leavemyfuckingplugaloneifitevercametothat.Nooneispullingitonme."

Shesmiledathim,likingthathetrustedherenoughwiththat.Shewassilentforalongtime,looking

downatherlap."HeyBry?"

"Yeah?"heasked,lookingover,suddenlyseemingliketheeventsofthedaywerecatchinguptohim,

makinghimseempaleandtired.

"Maybe,inlike...aweekortwo...maybewecantrythedineragainandseeifit's...betterthistime.I

mean,nopromises,but..."

"Twothings,"hecutoffwhatwassuretobeaninsecure,shylittleramble."One,thedinerchanged

ownersandthefoodistheperfectkindofshitty-allgreaseandsugar.Two,youdon'teverhavetotryto
promisemeanything.Youknowthat."

"Sorrytointerruptthelittlemomenteveryoneishaving,"Losaid,givingusallasmile."Butaside

fromhimatthehospital,"shesaid,noddingatBry,"wherearewedroppingtherestofyou?"

"Chaz's,"Isaidimmediately,seeingasthatwaswheremycarwas.
"Alright,"Losaid,turningbacktothefrontaswegotclosertotown.
"Wherearewegoing?"Dustyasked,lookingastiredasIwasfeelingrightaboutthen.

"Thinkanothernightortwoattheresidence,justtomakesure.Thenwecangobacktotheapartment.

Sorry,it'sjust..."

"Don'tbesorry.Iliketheresidence,"shesaid,givingmeawistfulsmile."I'llalwayshaveacouple

reallygoodmemoriesofthatplace."

Itookapageoutofherbook,leaningdownsothatmylipsbrushedherearlobe."Soonasyou'reupfor

it,I'llgiveyouacouplemore,"Ipromised.

Herarmtightenedaroundmeandsheburiedherheadagain.
WedroppedoffBrywithaninvitetocheck-inattheresidenceinthemorning.LobroughtustoChaz's

whereIsituatedahalf-asleepDustyintomycar,grabbingsomethingoutoftheglovebox,thentakingit
andhandingittoLo.

"What'sthis?"sheasked,takingit.
"Tengrand.Ireallyappreciatethis,Lo.AndthankJstormformetoo,"Iadded."Takeit,"Ipressed

whensheseemedlikeshewaspausing."Nooffense,butIdon'twanttooweHailstorm.Ithinkthere's
beenenoughcrazyinourlivesasitis."

"Understood,"sheagreed,tossingitintotheopendoorofherSUV."Butifyoueverneedusagain,

don'thesitate."

Withthat,shejumpedinandwasgone.
"Can'tsayIenjoyhowmuchtroublethewomenyoupicktobringintothisfamilyhaveattachedto

them,"Popssaidashewalkedup,"butitkeepsamanyoung,Iguess,"headded,clampingahandonmy
shoulder.

"Pops..."
"Notnow,"hesaid,shakinghishead."Youhaveawomantogethomeandcomfort.Wewillallcatch

uponcethingshavesettleddown."

Withthat,hethrewanarmaroundmymother'sshoulderandthetwowereoff.
"IgoteighteentextsfromFeeabouthowmuchshelikesDusty,"Huntersaid,wavinghisphoneatme.

"Andthentwenty-fouraskingforupdateswhileweweregone."

"I'dribtheshitoutofyouforthat,"Shaneagreed,lookingdownathisownphone,"butIgottwelve

fromLeasoIcan'tsayfuckingshit.Well,"hesaid,noddingatme,"itwasfun.Nothinglikealittle
invasionandmurdertokeepbrothersclose.ButIgotawomanathomewhoneedssome,ah,comforting
ofherown.Catchyoulater."

HuntsaidhisgoodbyestoowhichleftmewithEliandMark.
"Idon'thaveawomanathome,butI'mthinkingthereareatleast...tenwomeninNavesinkBankright

aboutnowwhocouldusesomecomforting,right?"heasked,givingmeanodandgoinginsideChaz's
which,despitealltheownersbeingoffonafuckeduplittlemission,wasstillopen.Businessasusual.

"She'sagoodwoman,Ry,"Elitoldme,nodding,thenfollowingMarkintothebar.Whilehelikely

wasn'tontheprowlforawoman,onewouldinevitablyfindhim.

Therewas,apparently,justsomethingaboutEli.
Asforme,well,Iplannedtotakemywomanhome.
Andcomforther.
Thatwastheplananyway.

EIGHTEEN

Dusty

IfloatedinandoutofconsciousnessinRyan'sfrontseatashetalkedtothelargegroupofpeople,two

ofwhomwereobviouslyhisparents.Hisfatherlookedjustlikehissonswithacoupleextrayearsonhim.

Ishouldn'thavebeenabletosleep.
Withmyusualcycleofanxiety,anyminorlittlehiccupinlifeleftmetossingandturningandobsessing

aboutitforhoursonenduntilmybodywastootiredtoletmybrainkeepitawakeanymore.

ButthereIwasafteraday,actuallyaweek,fromhellandIwasfloatingoffashappyasaswaddled

baby.

ItwasmanyofthethingsIwouldneedtothinkon.Eventually.
TheslamofRyan'sdoorhadmemostlyawakeandIsenthimasleepysmileashishandwenttomy

thighandsqueezed.

Thenweweredriving.
Andeverythingwasfine.
UntilwepassedourapartmentbuildingandIremembered.
"Stop,"Ihissed,shootingupwardinmyseat.
"Honey,what'sthe..."
"Oh,God.Okay.Alright.Um...phone.Ineedyourphone."
"Okay,"hesaid,pullingthecaroverandhandingittomefromhispocket."Here.Butwhat'sgoing

on?"

"HowcouldIforget?"Icursedmyself,stabbingthenumberintothephoneandhittingdial."He

probablyhasafreakingpolicereportfiledalready,"Iadded.

"Youruncle,"RyanconcludedasIjustlistenedtothering.
"Answeryourphone,"Igrowledatitasitwenttovoicemail.Ihungupandhitdialagain.Nothing.
"Dusty,what'shisaddress?"Ryanaskedcalmly,makingmymouthpartslightlyandaweird,hysterical

littlelaughtoescapeme.

Address.
Right.
Becausewecouldjust...drivethere.
IthadbeensolongsincethatwasmyrealityIhadactuallyforgottentherewasanotherwaytocontact

himthanbyphone.

SoIgaveRyantheaddress,justthreestreetsover,andwepulledupoutfrontahousethathadliterally

notchangedabitsinceIhadbeenthere.Thebrickwasredandpower-washedasitalwayswas.The
shutters,molding,anddoorswereallacrispwhitebecausemyunclebelievedinkeepinguphisplace.

Ifeltasurgeofnostalgiaasweeachreachedforourhandlesinunison,asRyantookmyhandaswe

walkedupthepath,asIraisedmyhandtoknock.Aweirdlittlegiddinessbubbledinmybelly,excitedat
theideaofhimbeingabletoseemefunctioningagain,outofmyapartmentagain.

Theoutdoorlightflickedonandthedoorpulledopen.
AndtherewasmyUncleDanny.
Therewasasimilaritylookswise.
Hewastallandsomewhatthinwithhisblondhaircutsomewhatfashionablywithasharpundercut

andbrushedbackonthetop.Hehadgreeneyeslikemine,butalittledarker.Alwaysthecasualsort,he
wasinjeansandawhitetee.

"JesusChrist!"heexplodedassoonashiseyeslandedonme.Therewasn'tevenahesitationbefore

hereachedoutanddraggedmeagainsthisbody,wrappingmeuptight.Itwasthekindofaffectionhe
didn'toftenoffermeandwasthereforeevidenceofhowworriedhehadbeen."Yourapartmentwas
destroyed,"hesaidintomyhair.

"Iwasrobbedacoupledaysago,"Iadmitted,feelingguiltwellupstrong.WhilehehadbeenallIhad

intheworldforalongtime,italsowenttofollowthatIwasallhereallyhadeither.Atleastwhenit
cametocloserelationships.

"You'reout,"hesaid,asifrealizingthesignificanceofthatforthefirsttime,pullingbackward,

lookingmeover.HisfacewenthardandIrealizedIstillhadscratchesandbruisingandabitofswelling.
"Yourface."

"Iwasobviouslyhomewhentheybrokein,"Isupplied,hatingmyselffornotgivingthewholetruthbut

understandingtherewouldbeatimeandplaceforthatandthatthiswasnotit."Theyweren'tshyinthe
hittingwomendepartment.Luckilyforme,Ryansteppedin,"Isaid,pullingbackandgesturingtoward
him,makingmyuncle'seyesgothereforthefirsttime."Ryan,thisismyuncle,Danny.UncleDanny,
Ryan."

Theyshookhandsanddidthatmanlyassessingeachotherthingforaminute."Ioweyouone,"my

unclesaid,givinghimanod.

"ThinkIoweyoumore,"Ryansaid,makingbothmineandmyuncle'sbrowsdrawtogetherin

confusion.ButthenRyan'sarmmovedoutandwentaroundmylowerback,pullingmetohisside.

"Isee,"UncleDannysaid,givinghimanod."Well,comeonin.Ineedtohearwherethehellyouwere

whenIstoppedby."

HeinvitedusinandIalmostlaughedwhenIrealizedthesimilaritiesbetweenRyanandDanny's

places.Theybothsaid'bachelor'withtheirdarktonesandresistancetoallthingsknick-knack.

"Anychanceyou'dbetheRyanwholivesacrossthehallfromDusty?"heasked,movingacrossthe

floorandgoingintothefridge,grabbingthreebeersandpassingthemout.

"That'dbeme."
"I'dapologizeforallthe'SorryWeMissedYou'slips,butyouneverclearoutyourfuckingmailbox."
"Fairenough,"Ryanagreed,chucklingslightlywhenhetookthebeerfrommyhandsthatIcouldn't

twistthecapoffofanddidithimself.

"Thisnew?"UncleDannyasked,wavingbetweenusashesatbackinhischair.

OnethingIhadalwaysappreciatedaboutmyuncleasIagedupandstarteddatingwas...henever

wentall'dad'onmeormyboyfriends.Infact,whenIwasaboutsixteen,hehadtossedaboxofcondoms
onmybedandinformedme,"Iknowyou'regonnadate.Doyourselfandyourolduncleafavorandmake
sureit'salwayssafe."

Thatwasit.
Henevertriedtoscareawayboyswhocametopickmeuporevenquestionthem.Hejustwentwith

it,understandingitwasjustapartoflife.Iwasn'talittlegirlanymoreandIwoulddowhatIwanted
regardlessofhisopinions.Sohekeptthemtohimself.

"Yeah,"Iadmitted,nodding.
"SinceChristmas,"Ryanaddedwithanod.
Dannynodded,takingapullfromhisbottle."Alright,howlonghaveyoubeenleavingyourapartment

withoutmeknowingandwhyhaven'tyoutoldme?"

Ifeltmyselfsmileattheabruptchangeinconversation.The'gettingtoknowtheboyfriend'phasewas

over.

"IguesssincethedaybeforeNewYearsEve,"Isupplied,figuringitwasasclosetothetruthas

possible."Butthenitwasjust...acrossthehallbecausemyapartmentwas,well,trashed."

Dannynodded,acceptingthat."Whatabouttoday?"
Ryanlookedtome,onebrowraisedtheslightestbitlikehewaswonderingwhatIwasgoingtocome

upwiththatwouldn'tworryhim."IwasmeetingRyan'ssisters-inlawandthenheandBryandIwentout
fora...drive.ThenIrememberedInevercalledyouandwestoppedhere.I'msosorryImadeyouworry."

"Ace,whateverworryIwentthroughwasfuckingworthittoseeyoustandingatmydoor."
Ifeltmyheartsqueezehardinmychestatthatand,notabletostopmyself,Iflewathim,landinginhis

laplikethelittlegirlIusedtobealwaysdid.Andhisarmswentaroundmeliketheyalwayshad-abit
tentativeatfirstbutthentightandreassuring.

"Idon'tthinkIhaveeverthankedyouforalwaysbeingthereforme,"Itoldhim,myvoicelow.Iknew

IwouldprobablytellRyanaboutitatsomepoint,butthemomentrightthenwasformeandmyuncle.

"Yougotnothingtothankmefor,kid."
"Idon'tjustmeanwhenIwaslittle,thoughthereisthattoo.Imeanthepastfewyears.Iknowitwasn't

easyforyoutowatchmestruggle.AndyouandBry...youweretheonlyoneswhostuckbyme.Ireally
appreciateditmorethanIevertoldyou."

"Stop,"hesaid,alwaysthetypetobeuncomfortablewithovertlyemotionaldisplays.Maybethatwas

somethingIhadpickedupfromhim."That'sfamily,"headded,shruggingitoff."Now,up,"hedemanded,
pattingme,obviouslyhavinghadenoughaffectiontolastthedayormonthoryear.

Wetalkedforacouplemoreminutes,finishedourbeers,thensaidourgoodbyes.Itwaslateandmy

unclehadtobeupatthecrackofdawn.

"Helikesyou,"ItoldRyanaswegotinthecarandpulledaway.
"Webarelytalked,honey,"hesaid,shakinghishead.
"Iknow.Buthe'snotallthattalkativeanyway.Besides,youarewhogotmeoutofmyapartment."
"Becauseofagasleakandanassaultandthenakidnapping,"hesaid,lookingoverforasecondwitha

wrysmile.

"Yeswell,hedoesn'tknowthat,doeshe?"Iaddedwithmyownsmirkaswepulledupintothelotof

thehotel.

Ryanparkedandcamearoundthecartome.Therewasabrief,nauseatingstabofdiscomfortaswe

walkedpastthespotwhereIhadbeentaken.Asifsensingit,hishandreachedformineandsqueezedit
tight.Hedidn'tletgountilweweresafelybehindthepenthousedoor.

"Bath?"heasked,alreadyknowingmyrhythms.
"God,yes,"Iadmitted,wantingtowashadayfulloffearandworryandothermens'handsoffofme.

"Company?"heasked,cockinghisheadtotheside."Can'tpromiseIwillkeepmyhandstomyself,"he

added,eyesgoingalittleheated.

"Can'tpromiseIwon'tenjoythat,"Iadded,smiling.
I'dneverbathedwithamanbefore.Showered,sure.Butusuallyitwasarushed'wearebothlateand

needtogettoworkandstophoggingallthefreakinghotwater'unsexykindofthing.Ihadneverbeen
muchforbathsinmyoldlife.Ihadtoomuchgoingon,notenoughtimetolazeaboutinatub.Plus,mytub
sucked.

IhadafeelingthoughasImovedinandfilledthetub,droppingbombsinandwatchingasflower

petalsdriftedoutacrossthewater,smilingalittlewistfully,thatIwouldreallyenjoyit.

"MightbeabitawkwardifI'mtheonlyonefuckingnakedinthetub,"Ryanannounced,snappingmy

attentionbacktothesidewhereIfoundhimstandingthereinjusthisblackboxerbriefs,browraisedat
me.

"Oh,right,"Isaid,shakingmyheadatmyself.Acompletelyridiculouslittlesurgeofanxietybubbled

upinmybellyasIreachedforthehemofmyshirt.Thiswasamanwhohadseenmenaked.Several
times.Hehadtouchedandkissedandlickedalmosteverypartofme.Itwassillytofeelinsecure.

But,theanxietyremindedme,alwayshappytoplaydevil'sadvocate,it'sdifferentwhenit'sinthe

heatofthemomentandclothesareflyingandhormonesareragingandallyoucanthinkaboutis
gettingtoanorgasm.Thiswascompletelydifferent.

"HowaboutIdoit?"Ryanasked,brushingmyhandsaway,grabbingtheshirt,andhaulingitoffme.

Therewasbarelyevenapausebeforehisfingersfoundmybuttonandzipandhewasyankingthematerial
downmylegs.

Therewasapausethen,hisfingerstracedgentlyupmyhip,myribs,aroundmyback.Hisfingers

workedmyclaspsonmybraandpulledthematerialfree.Almostsimultaneously,myhandsreachedfor
hisboxerbriefsandhishandsreachedformypantiesandwewerebothnaked.

Hedidn'tpause;heturnedfrommeandclimbedinthetub,reachingupformeandpullingmeinas

well.

"Couldgetusedtothis,"headmitted,pullingmebackagainsthischest,hislegsupontheoutsidesof

mine,hisarmscrossingovermychestandbelly,hislipspressinggentlyintomytemple.

AndIcouldn'thaveagreedmore.
Icouldgetusedtoit.
"Talktome,"hedemandedsoftly,hishandstartingtograzegentlyovermybelly.Itwasn'tsexual,but

ithadthesameimpactasthoughitwasregardless.Mybodycouldn'tbetouchedbyhiswithoutitgetting
thesignalscrossed.

"Idon'thaveanythingtosay,"Imurmured,turningmyheadsothesideofmyfacerestedonhischest.
"Honey,youwerejustconned,kidnapped,heldhostage,threatened,andrescuedandyoudon'thave

shittosay?"

"Notreally,"Isaid,smilingalittlewhenhesnorted.
"Howdidyourwristsenduplikethis?"heasked,hisfingermovingacrossoneofthewristsin

question,makingmygazefollow.

AsIsuspected,theylookedalotworsethantheyhadthelasttimeIlookedatthem.Theyeachhada

deeppurpleandbluebandaround,unmistakableforwhatitwas.

"AlbertwasinthebackwithmeandI,um,wastryingtogetawayandheheldmedown."
"Yougothimprettygood.Thosescratcheswerebrutal-looking."
"Ibithimtoo,"Iadded,smilingalittle.
"Goodgirl,"hesaid,hishandstartingtomoveupanddownmythighinadeliciouspaceandIknew

wasabsolutelymeanttobeteasing."Youwanttoaskmeanything?"heaskedashisfingertracedthespot
wheremythighmetmyhip.

Asidefromwhenhisfingerwasgoingtomoveinwardandendthetorment?"NotthatIcanthinkof,"I

murmured,lettingmylegsfallopenslightly,invitinghimin.

"Wellthen,ifallthetalkingisover..."Hetrailedoffashisfingerfinallymovedinward,strokingup

myslitandrubbingovermyclitwithlazyexploration.

"Ryan..."Iwhimpered,fingernailsdiggingintohisthighsashekepttheimpossiblyslowpace,driving

meupwardinfuriatinglyslowly.

"Notyet,"hesaid,kissingmyforehead.
"Please,"Ibegged,myhipsmovinguptomeethishand,tryingtogetcloser.
"Nuh-uh.We'vedonethehardandfastthing.Wannatrytheslowandsweetthing."
Asniceasslowandsweetsounded,mybodydidn'twanttohearaboutit;itjustwantedfulfillment.
Withonlythatthoughtinmind,Iusedhiskneestopushmyselfup,turningtofacehimasIsteppedout

ofthetubandreachedforthetowel,wrappingitaroundmyself.

"Well,"Isaid,forcingthewordsoutandtryingreallyhardtonotblush,"youcanstayinthereanddo

theslowandsweetthing,romanceyourselfalittle..."

"Or?"heprompted,smilingwickedlyand,atthatangle,lookingdownathim,Icouldseehowhardhe

wasalready.

"Oryoucouldmeetmeinthebedanddothefastandhardthing,"Isuggested,makingsuremyfeet

weredrysoIdidn'truinmysaucyexitbyfallingonmyass,andmovedoutoftheroom.

IheardthecascadeofwaterashestoodandforcedmyselftonotlookbackasImademywayintothe

bedroomwhereIhastilydriedasfastasIcouldanddiscardedthetowel.

"Nope,"Ryan'svoicecalledasImovedtogouponthebed.
"Nope?"Iasked,turningbacktofindhimwalkingout,similarlyhalf-dryandcompletelynaked.
"Bedisforslowandsweet.Youwantfastandrough,"heinformedme,walkingrightpastmeandinto

themainareaofthehouse.

Acutelyawarethattherewerenorealcurtainsonthefloor-to-ceilingwindowsinthemainareaofthe

house,IgrabbedoneofRyan'swhiteundershirtsandthrewitonbeforefollowinghimout.Onlytofind
himstandingrightinfrontofsaidcurtain-lesswindows,showingabsolutelynosignsofself-
consciousness.

"Um..."Istarted,takingastepbacktowardthebedroom.
"Comeoverhere,"hesaid,voiceroughwithdesire.
"Maybeslowandsweetwillwork,"Isaid,feelinganalmostoverwhelmingurgetorunbacktothe

bedandhideunderthecovers.

"Nuh-uh,youmadeyourchoice,"hesaid,turningtofaceme,wickedsmileonhislips,eyesheated,

cockhard.Ifeltaunmistakabletighteningofmysexinresponseasheheldoutahandtowardme.
"Honey,"headdedwhenIdidn'tmovedirectlytowardhim,goinginsteadtowardthelivingspace.

"Justgrabbingsomething,"Isaid,reachingforthemassiveboxFeehadleftandgrabbingacondom

thatwaswrappedinanobnoxiousbrightyellowfoil.

"Thisshirtthing,"hesaidwhenIsteppedinfrontofhim."Thissomethingthat'samakeorbreak?"
WhenIhesitatedingivingananswer,Ifoundmywristssnaggedandslammeduponthewindow

behindme.BeforeIcouldevenfreakaboutifthewindowwasstrongenoughtoholdmeornot,hishands
grabbedthematerialatthehemandyankeditupward.Butwhenhegotitovermyhead,hedidn'tpullmy
armsfree.Hepulleditroughlydownandtrappedmyarmsdownbymysideswithit.

BeforeIcouldevenregistertheintent,hewasonhiskneesbeforeme,slammingmebackagainstthe

window,yankingupmythigh,andpinningitagainstit.Asthedreadfilledmybellyatpossibly
plummetingtomydeath,hisheadduckedandhismouthsuckedmyclitintoitandallotherthoughtsflew
outofmyhead.

Completelytrapped,therewasnothingIcoulddoexceptlethimdevourme,torturingmewithhislips

andtongueashelavishedoverme.Twofingersthrustdeepinsideandstartedworkingme-fast,
relentless.

Butbeforetheorgasmthathadmysexclenchingcouldwashoverme,hedroppedmyleg,gotontohis

feet,slippedonthecondomandturnedmearoundtofacethewindow-nakedbodyonfulldisplayfor
anyoneacrosstheriverwithsomegoodvisionoramediocretelescopetosee.

Hisfeetkickedminewider.
ThenIfelthiscockslidebetweenmyslickfolds,hittingmyclit,andmakingmeletoutaharshmoan.
Hishandwentupmyback,findingtheshirtwhereitspreadfromshouldertoshoulder,andpressing

meforwardslightly,makingmeanglemybuttouttowardhimandputtingmyfacejustinchesfromthe
glass.Hisfingerssnaggedthematerial,bunchingitinhishands,holdingittightsotherewasnowayI
couldescapenomatterhowmuchIstruggled.

Thenhiscockslidbackandslammeddeepinonehardthrust.
Theforcebehinditmademybodylurchforward,butheyankedbackontheshirtandheldmeinplace

ashestartedtoslamintome-rough,hard,fast-justlikeIhadaskedfor.

Myorgasmbuiltimpossiblyfast,makingmykneesweakandmybreathgetcaughtinmythroat.
"That'sit,"hegrowled,feelingmetightenaroundhim."Come."
AndIdid,screaming,literallyscreamingouthisnameasIdidso.
Heslammedintomethroughit,draggingitout,milkingitforallitwasworth.Butafterhepausedand

Icamebackdown,hewasstillhardinsideme.

Then,asifansweringmyunaskedquestion,heslidoutofmelongenoughtoturnme,thenslidback

inside-slowly,sofreakingslowlythatIcouldfeeleveryinchashedidso.Hepulledmylegup,
wrappingitaroundhiships,thenreachedtopullmefreeoftheshirtIhadbeentrappedin,myarmsgoing
automaticallyaroundhim.

Hishandwenttomybutt,forcingmyotherlegaroundhiswaist,andholdingmetohimashewalked

acrossthelivingspaceandintothebedroom.Hiskneeswentonthebedthenhisbodycurledovermine
ashelaymeback,stillinsideme,ourbodiesneverlosingcontact.

Proppeduponhisforearms,heleaneddownandgentlypressedakisstomylips,thesweetnessofitI

feltdowntomysoul."Hadityourway,"hetoldme,slowlywithdrawingoutofmeandjustasslowly
pressingbackinside."Nowwe'rehavingitmyway,"hetoldme,doinganotherperfect,all-consuming
stroke.

Thenhehadmehisway.
AndbythetimeIfeltmyorgasmcresting,Ihaddecideditwasmywayaswell.
Hell,Iwouldtakehimanywayhewouldhaveme-hardandfastanddominantorslowandsweetand

loving.

IcriedintohisneckasIcameandhecursedintomineashedid.
Perfect.
Heleftmeforonlyamomentbeforecomingback,pullingthecoversslowlyupmybodyandpulling

meontohischest,hishandssiftingthroughmyhairanddownmyspine.

"What?"Iasked,sensingtherewassomethingweighingonthesilence.
"Thewolvesbackeddown,"hesaidcryptically,makingmepressupsoIcouldlookdownathim.
"Thewolves?"Iasked,browsdrawntogether.
"Pastcoupleofyears,you'vehadwolvesatyourdoor,snarling,makingyoufeellikeyoucouldn't

leaveyourhouse."Hereachedup,touchingthesideofmyface,hiseyessoft,butstillsomehowheavy
withmeaning."Theyaren'tsnarlinganymore."

Hewasright.
And,true,maybepsychologically,itwasallexposuretherapy,beingforcedoutofthecomfortzone

enoughtorealizeIwouldn'tflipoutordieoutsideofit.

Buttherehadbeenoneconstantineachsituation.
Ryan.
Perfectyetflawed,dominantyetsweet,sexyyetunassuming,understandingyetencouraging.
AndIhadastrongfeelingsomewheredeepinsidethatthesnarlingdidn'tnecessarilystopbecauseof

someforceinsideofme.

Itwashim.
Myownpersonalwolftamer.

EPILOGUE

Dusty-1day

"Iwouldn'thavehadMarkdropallthisshitoffifIrealizedthecookieswouldn'tbeforme,"Ryan

informedmefromhispositionleanedagainstthecounter,wearingonlythickgraysweatpantsandoneof
hiswhitetees,hishaircasuallydisheveled.Thatwasallmyfault.Ihaddisheveledit.Happily.
Enthusiastically.Roughly.

Sexwasobviouslyinvolved.
"Iamsavingyousome,"Iinsisted,pouringtheoilintothepanandputtingtheburneronunderit.
Iwasmakingchruscikis,mainlybecauseitwastheonlyrecipeIhadmadeoftenenoughtoknowitby

heartsinceIdidn'thavemylittlerecipecardswithmeattheresidence.

AndIhadjustinformedhimthattheplanwastodropsomeofftohisneighbor,theelusiveand

enigmaticRossWard.

"Some?"hepressed,obviouslythekindofmanwhothoughtwithhisstomachattimes.Itwas

somethingIfoundcharming.

"Fine.Half,"Iconceded,droppingafewofthelittlebowtiesintothehotoilandwatchingthemsizzle.
Therewasarealartandsciencetothesecookies.Theyhadtobeperfectlycookedortheytastedlike

crapassoonastheycooledoff.

"Ireallydon'tthinkWardisthekindofmanwhoeatspowdersugarcoveredPolishcookies."
"Regardless,"Isaid,shakingmyheadathim,makingafewstrandsofmyhairfalldownfrommyclip,

"IthinkIowehimatrayofthemasathankyouforpreventingmyrapeandmurder.Youknow,agesture,"
Isaid,givinghimasmileovermyshoulder.

"Well,"hesaid,comingupbehindme,wrappinganarmaroundmybellyandrestinghisheadonmy

shoulder,"Iguessthatwouldbetherightthingtodo."

So,twentyminuteslater,mybellyinknotsbutnotoverlynauseatingafterIfussedwithmyclothes,

hair,andmakeupforanembarrassinglylongtime,wewalkedintothehallandIknockedonRossWard's
door.

"Harder,"Ryandemanded,standingafewfeetback."Heworksallnight.He'sprobablysleeping."
"Whydidn'tyoutellmethatbeforeIchargedoverherewithcookiesandwokehimup?"Ihissed,big-

eyinghim.

"Youwereawomanonamission,"heshrugged.
"Butwhatkindof'thankyou'gestureisittodragamanoutofbedwhenheworksallnight?"I

demanded,voiceawhisper-yell.

AndapparentlyRyanlikedthatbecausehissmilewasradiant."Liketheteeth,honey,"heinformedme

asthedoorpulledopenroughly.

TherestoodRossWard.
Though,unlikeRyan'ssuspicions,hehadn'tbeensleeping.
Iknewthisbecausehewasdrippingwetandonlyinatowel.
Now,ImighthavebeenheadingheadfirstinlovewithRyan,butthatdidn'tmeanIdidn'tknowagood

lookingmanwhenIsawone.

RossWardwasagoodlookingman.
Otherdescriptorsthatcametomind:solid,muscular,scarred,dark,dangerous,ruthless.
Thatwaswhatyoutookfromonelookathisdarkhair,darkeyes,darkstubbleaswellasthebroad

shoulders,strongchest,impressiveabdominalmuscles,andgeneral'whatthefuckdoyouwant'aurahe
hadabouthim.

Hesaidnothingeither,juststaredatme.
"Ward,"Ryancutin,savingmefromchokingonmyownheartthatwassuddenlyinmythroat,forced

therebythesheerintimidationofthemanbeforeme."ThisisDusty,"heexplained,givingmealookthat
suggestedIuntiemytongueandspeak."Dusty,RossWard."

"Sorry,Ididn'tmeantointerruptyourshower.Ijust,um,well,I,ah...Imadeyoucookies,"Isaid,

thrustingthedecorativeservingdishathim,hittinghiminthestomachashishandmovedouttograbit
fromme."AsasortofthankyouforcallingRyanand,well,savingmefrombeingrapedandmurdered."

There.
Itwasout.
Icouldrunawaynow,right?
Hewasdefinitelythekindofmananydecentpersonranfar,farawayfrom.
"LookslikeIdidn'tsaveyoufromeverything,"hesaid,reachinghisfreehandoutandputtinghis

forefingerundermychin,turningmyfaceeachway.

"Oh,this,"Isaid,wavingahand,attemptinglevity.Hewassodamnintense."Thiswasfromacouple

daysago,"Iaddedwithawobblysmile.

Ross'handdroppedandheshotRyanalookwithaever-soslightbrowraise."Everywomaninyour

familycomewithaboatloadoftrouble?"heasked,movingbackwardintohisapartmentwithoutwaiting
forananswerandreachingforthedoor,obviouslyrushingmeon.

"Okay,yeah,wewon'tkeepyou.Thosearestillwarmandthey'reusuallybetterwhen..."
"Knowhowtoeatchruscikis,doll,"heinterruptedme.
"Oh,okay.Great.Well,thanksagain.Sorrytodisturbyou."
Hedidn'tsayitwasnoproblemoranytimeor,well,anythingatall.
Hejerkedhischinatmethenshutthedoorinmyface.
"He'snotexactlyapeopleperson,"Ryantoldme,tryingtosoftentheblow."Comeon,Ihaveanidea."
Hisideainvolvedachruscikiplacedrightonthetriangleabovemysexandpowderedsugarsprinkled

allovermybody.

Whichhelickedoff.

Dusty-1week

"Yousureaboutthis?"Bryaskedfromthehallwaybackinmyapartmentbuilding,butfacingRyan's...

whereIhadbeenliving."Youcantakeanotherweekifyouneedit."

"That'stheworstthingIcoulddo,"Isaid,shruggingintomyjacket."NowthatIcanhandleit,Ithink

it'sbesttogetoutasmuchaspossibleassoonaspossible.Rocky,"Isaid,turningbacktowherehewas
proppedoh-soinnocentlyontheisland.ButIknewthesecondIclosedthedoor,hewasgoingtocreate
somekindofproblem.Whilehenevermessedupmyoldapartment,heapparentlygotakickoutof
messingupRyan's."Ifyouknockdownanymoreofthosefreakingglasses,Iamgoingtodosomething
trulyheinous.Likebatheyou,"IsaidwithanodasIgrabbedmywalletandmovedintothehallwithBry.

Wemovedtowardtheexit.Thestairs,nottheelevator.Imighthavebeenmakingprogress,butIwas

noWonderWoman.Thatonewasgoingtotakesometime.ItriedtotalkBryintomeetingmedown,taking
theelevator,becausehewasstillfavoringhissidesomethingfiercefromwherehehadbrokentworibs.

ButBrybeingBry,hewouldn'thearofit.
Sowewentdownthestairsasslowlyasheneededuntilwemovedoutside.
Weweregoingtogomakegoodonmyideafortryingtodolunchagain,butnotforanotherhouranda

half.Therewasonestopfirstanditwaswhathadmybellydoingstrangelittleinsistentflip-flopsaswe
gotintothecaranddroveintotown.

Theofficewaswhatonemightexpect-neat,neutral,comfortingbutimpersonal.
Iwasstandingatthedesk,BryrefusingtolistentomytellinghimIwasfineandhecouldrunandget

coffeeifhewanted,wassittingreadingsomewoodworkingmagazineonthetable.

AndthentherewasavoiceI'dhaverecognizedanyywhere,havinghearditasmuchasIhad.

"Danielle,youhaveMissMcRaeasmyoneo'clock.Youmusthavethiswrong.Sheisalwaysavideo..."

"HeyAmy,"Iinterruptedher,usingthenameshepreferred.
Herheadsnappedupfromherpapers,hermouthfallingopen,hereyesgoinghuge."Dusty?What...

how..."Sheshookherheadhard,clearingit,slippingherprofessionalmaskbackon."Whenyou
cancelledyourlastfewvideosessions,Ifiguredyouweregoingthrougharoughpatch,"sheadmitted,
concernclearinhervoice.

Ifiguredthatbeingatherapisthadtohavebeenboringafairamountofthetime-peoplewhiningand

moaningaboutthemostbanal,uninterestingthingsforhoursonend,notactuallyhavingmentalissues,but
essentiallyneededtopaysomeonetolistentothembecausenooneelsewouldeverwanttodoitforfree.
Buttherehadtohavebeenpatientshereandtherewhoreallytouchedthem,madethemwanttohelp.

IwasprettysureIwasoneofthosepatientstoDr.AmyRobertson.
"Iactuallyhadalotgoingon,"Iadmittedasshemovedtoopenthelockeddoortowardthebackofthe

officeandletmethrough.

"IsthatBry?"sheaskedassheclosedthedoorandledmedownanarrowhallthathadmychest

gettingtight.

"Yeah."

Iputmyhandonmybellyandtookafewdeepbreathsassheletmeintoheroffice.Therewasawhite

desksituatedalmostinacorner,outoftheway,withthemainfocalpointbeingthefourplacesshehadto
sitinthecenteraroundalowcoffeetable.Therewasanold-fashionedgraytuftedcouch,anarmchair,an
accentchairwithnoarms,andapapasanchair.Alotofthoughtwentintothatset-upandIfoundmyself
goingtowardthepapasan,slippingoutofmyshoesandlettingitsurroundme,needingtofeelabit
protected.Iimaginedthecouchwasforlayingdownandtheaccentchairwasforpeoplewhodidn'tlike
feelingtrapped.

Takinghercuefromme,shesatinthearmchairandgavemeasmile."I'mgoingtobehonesthere.I

wasn'tsureIwouldeverseethisday."

Iwasn'toffendedbythat.
Iwasn'tsureIwouldeverseethisdayeither.
"Yeah,meeither,"Iadmitted.
"Youalrightanxiety-wise?Needanything?"sheasked,hereyesdippingtowheremyhandwasstillon

mybellyforasecondbeforemovingup.

"No.I'malrightfornow."
"So.You'rehere,"shesaid,givingmeasmile."Didyouwanttotalkaboutthat'lotyouhadgoingon'

youmentioned?"

"Sure,"Isaid,takinganotherdeepbreath.
ThenIlaunchedintoit.Fromthenightofthealarmringingandbeingcarriedoutofthebuilding

fireman-styletogettingrobbedandbeat,heavilyeditingoutthedetails.Iknewaboutthepatient-client
thing,butIwasn'texactlysurehowitwouldstretch.ItalkedalotaboutRyanandourstrange,bututterly
perfectandunprecedentedromance.ItoldherthatIhadvisitedmyuncle,metRyan'ssisters-in-law,anda
neighborofRyan's,meaningRossWard,butnotgivingnames.

"Youhavebeenbusy,"sheobservedwhenIfinished,shakingherheadalittlelikeithadn'tcompletely

sunkinyet."I'mreallyproudofyou,Dusty,"shesaid,theweightinherwordsshowinghowmuchshe
meantit.

"Turnsoutyouwererightalltheseyears,"Isaidwithawrysmile."AllIneededtodowasdo

something."

"Webothknowit'snotalwaysthateasy,"shesaidwithasoftsmileofherown."HadIknownthata

firemanholdoutofthebuildingwouldhavedonethetrick,Imighthavesentonetheretwoyearsago,"she
added,makingmelaugh.Ilikedthatqualityofhers.Shewasaprofessional,butshewasalsojusta
person.Shejokedaroundandmadecommentsthatwereperhapsnotexactlyappropriate,buthumanized
hertomesomuchmore."ThisRyanthing.Itsoundsserious."

"Itis,"Iadmitted,feelingthebutterfliesinmybelly,theconversationstillfreshinmymindfromthree

nightsbeforewhenhecamehomefromwork,droppeddownonthecouch,hauledmeintohislap,andhad
thetalk.

Therelationshiptalk.
Andhehadinstigatedit.
Idon'tthinkIhadeverhadtherelationshiptalkwithawillingmanbeforeinmylife.
ItwasyetanotherwonderfulthingaboutRyan.Hewasn'tscaredofanything.Notevencommitment.He

madethatabundantlycleartomewhenheinformedmethat,solongasIagreed,Iwashisandhewas
mineandthatwasthat.

So,yeah,thatwasthat.
IstillgotthewarmandfuzzieswhenIthoughtaboutit.Whichwasoften.Because...comeon!Ifyou

hadsomeonelikeRyanMallick,youobsessedoverthesheerluckthatbroughtyoutwotogether.

Fortyminuteslater,IwasleavingAmy'sofficewithapromisetotrytocontinuemyexposuretherapy

andsheevenpenciledmeinforanotherin-personsessionlaterthatweek.Hopeful.Shewashopeful.

Aswewalkeddownthestreetanddippedintothediner,sowasI.

Ryan-11months

Itwasn'talwayslinear;healingoftenisn't.
Thefirstweek,shewentnuts.Shewenttotherapytwice,wentouttolunchwithBry,grabbedcoffee

withme,andevenbravedherapartmenttocleanitoutandmovemorethingsintomyourapartment.

ThenthefollowingFriday,wetriedtoheadtoFamigliafordinner,somethingshewasexcitedfor,had

spenthoursdollingherselfupfor.Shewasbesidemeinthecartryingtofigureoutwhatwasherfavorite
thingonthemenu,ofwhichshehadextensivelytriedinthepastobviously.Shehaddecidedonthe
chickenalfredowhenwefinallyparkedandclimbedout.

Buttwofeetin,shefroze.Herhandwenttoherthroat.Hereyeswenthuge.Herbreathingstopped.We

paused,seeingifshecouldbreathethroughit,forceherselftodealwiththesymptoms.Intheend,the
anxietywonout.

Wewenthomeandorderedittobedeliveredwhileshesatandobsessedabout'failing'.
Butthenexttimewewent,itwasfine.
Thatwasjusthowitwas,especiallythosefirstfewmonths.Youneverreallyknewifitwasgoingto

beagoodorbadoutingbut,aftermereassuringheracoupledozentimesaboutit,shestartedtobelieve
thatitdidn'tmattertome.Anditdidn't.Iwasn'tthekindofpersonwholikedgoingoutallthetime
anywaysowhenshejustcouldn'tforceherselftogothroughwithitatimeortwo,itgenuinelywasn'ta
hardshipformetoheadbackhomeinstead.

Itneverbecame'notaproblem'.Therewasnoreal'cure'forheranxietyandagoraphobia.Butshegot

betteratmanaging.Itgottothepointwheresheneversaidshe"couldn't"gotoacertainplace,butthatshe
hadissuestherealotandwouldtry.Sometimestryingwasenough,sometimesitwasn't.

Buteveryday,week,monthbroughtwithitprogress.
ThathadalwaysbeenallIwantedforher.
Afteraboutsixmonths,shefinallyagreedtolettingherleaselapseandsold,tossed,ormovedtherest

ofherstuffinwithme.Withoutthatrenttopayeverymonth.Actually,withoutanybillsbutthingslikeher
cell,healthinsurance,andvarioussubscriptionservices,shewasdoingalrightwithjusthermoney
cominginfromherstories.

Itwasabittoosoontoconvinceherthatshewouldn'thavetoworryaboutmoneyanymoreanyway,

thatIwasatthepointwhereIknewIwaseventuallygoingtohaveherpoppingoutabunchofmykids
andshewouldbestayinghometotakecareofthemanywaysoshedidn'tneedtoworryaboutworkunless
shewantedto.

Actually,onherbirthday,FeeandHuntshowedupatourdoorwithallthreehellionswhoproceeded

todriveRockycrazyforanhour.Feebroughtheraboutayear'ssupplyofclothes.AndHuntmadeher
somethingthathadherrunningtohimandthrowingherarmsaroundhim.

See,Hunt,asidefromdoingtattoos,alsomadefurniture.
Andhavinghadaheadsupaboutherbirthday,hadsettomakingheranelaboratewritingdesktowork

on.Theleghadbeenknockedlooseonheroldoneandbecauseitwasthatfakewoodshit,couldn'tbe
fixedandwehadn'tgottenaroundtoafurniturestore.MainlybecauseIkeptputtingitoffbecauseIknew
Hunterwouldmakeonetentimesbetterthananythingwecouldfindinastoreanyway.

Eventually,Igothertomyparents'forSundaydinnerwhereshespentthebeginningoftheevening

holedupwiththekids,thembeingmoreofacomfortzonethingforher.Thensheworkedherselfupto
joiningtherestofusandafteraboutanhour,mymothernot-so-discreetlyaskedmetohelpherwith
somethinginthekitchen.

IhadgivenDustyasqueezeandfollowedmymotherwhoimmediatelyturnedaroundandinformedme

thatIbettergetmywomanaring.

So,Ihadaringinmypocket.
Anditwasoneyeartothedaythatthecarbonmonoxidealarmsrang,aneventthathadbroughtus

togetherinthefirstplace.

Iwasoutinthehall,havingjustknocked.
Shewouldn'tcheckthepeepholebecauseshewasexpectingBry.
AndshewasexpectingBrybecausehewasinonitwithmesinceIhadnotonlyaskedheruncle,but

himforpermissionwhenIfinallygotmyshittogether.

"Coming!"shecalled,soundingdistracted."Ijusthavetogetthesecookies,damnit!"shehissedandI

feltmyselfsmile.Shedidn'tcurseoften,butwhenshedidit,itwaswithrealflourish.

ItwasanotherminutebeforethedoorpulledopenandIfoundherwholefrontcoveredinpowdered

sugar.Therewasasmearofitoverhercheekaswell.

AndIknewjustwhatkindofcookiesshewasmaking.
"Oh,"shesaid,browsdrawingtogetherwhenshesawme.
IwatchedherasIlowereddownbyherfeet,seeingherlipspart,hergorgeousgreeneyesgoingwide

withunderstanding.

"Ithoughtaboutsettingoffanalarm,"Iadmitted,makingherlipsturnup,"youknow,forauthenticity

purposes,"Iadded,reachingintomypocketforthering-onethatFeeandLeahadhelpedmepickout
because'menknewnothingaboutthiskindofthing'.Itwasasimplehalodiamondonaplatinumband.
Really,itdidsuitherperfectly.

"Ryan..."shesaid,hervoiceairy,butsomehowheavyatthesametime.
"Marryme,"Isaidsimply,reachingforherhandthatwasvisiblyshakingandslidingmyringonher

finger.

Eightmonthslater,shedid.
Afterweeksofdebating,sheeventuallythoughtitwasbesttojusthaveasmallfamilything.Soshe,

Fee,andLeatransformedmyparents'backyard.WehadaJusticeofthePeace,family,Bry,andLofrom
Hailstormandthatwasit.Andthatwasmorethanenough.

Dusty-2years

"It'ssuchacrapshoot,"Feetoldme,climbinginthebedwithmeandpullingtheblanketbackfromthe

baby'sface.Iwasmusingonwhathiseyesandhairwouldlooklikeseeingastheeyeswereaverydark
bluethatneitherofushadandthedoctorssaidwerelikelytochangeandhewasalmostbald."Ihavetwo
withgreeneyesandonewithblue.Thehairisdifferenttoo."

ItwasafulldayafterIhadgivenbirthbeforeFeeshowedupbecause'nonewmomwantstobe

gawkedatfiveminutesafterhavinghervagsewnupwithapileoficeinherpanties'.Shealsobrought
makeupwhichIhadforgotten.

"Iknowyoujustgavebirth,buteveryonewantstolookdecentintheirhospitalpictures,"shetoldme

assheappliedsomemascaraandconcealerwithexperthands."Didyouguyspickanameyet?"

"Danny,"Isuppliedautomatically.Easy.WeactuallyhaditpickedoutfromthemomentIknewIwas

pregnant.Danny,theonlyfatherIhadeverknown.Ifiguredifwekeptpoppingoutboys,wewould
eventuallypayhomagetohisfatherandthenmaybeevenBry.

"Loveit,"shedeclared,meaningit.Whilemyunclewasneverusedtoabigfamilydynamiclikeme,

hehadsomehowfitineffortlesslywiththeMallickclan.Theywerejust...accepting.Hecamewithme
andthatwasalltheyneededtoknowtoconsiderhimfamily.

"IwishEli..."Istarted,feelingthepangsomewheredeep.
"Iknow,"Feesaid,lookingsad.
Eliwasalwaysaheavyhearttopic.
"Youthinkhewouldlet..."
"No,"Feecutmeoff,voicefirm.Shewasn'tbeingcruel,justhonest.AndIknewshewasright.
"Markjustlostahundredbucks,"Isaid,changingthetopictolighterthings.
Markwaslosingbigonthebabybettingdepartment.HegotthecolorofShaneandLea'sfirstborn,

Jason,wrong.Thenhewentaheadandgotthebetonthesexofthenextbeingagirl.Itwastwinsandthey
werebothboys,forwhichhisbrothersmadehimpaydouble.

"Ithinkhejustwantsmoregirlsinthefamilynow,"Feesaid,smilingwistfully.EnoughthatI

wonderedifshewasmaybereconsideringher'threeismorethanenoughMallickoffspring'idea.

"Thenmaybeheshouldstartmakingsome,"Isaidwithasmile."He'sgotthegirlnow.Whatarethey

waitingfor?"

"YouknowMark,"shesaid,shrugging.
AndIdid.Markwasthemostgo-with-the-flowofthebrothers.Hecertainlywouldneverplanon

somethinglikemakingbabies.Ifithappened,ithappened.Otherthanthat-hewascontentwithwhathe
had.

"HeyFee,"Ryansaid,comingintheroomafterIforcedhimtogohomeandshowerandchange,

assuringhimthatIwasfinealoneforawhile.Buttherewasnosuchthingas'alone'intheMallickfamily.
Whereheleft,HelenandCharlieshowedup.Whentheyweregone,FeeandHunterandthegirlsmadean
appearance."Huntlookslikehe'sabouttolosehisfuckingmind,"headdedasFeejumpedoffthebedso
hecouldslideinnexttome.

"That'dbemydemonsforyou.I'llcatchyouguyswhenyouheadhome,"sheadded,givingmeawarm

smileandleaningdowntokisshernephew."Trysleepingthroughthenight,Danny.MommyandDaddy
willbealotmoretolerableifyoudo."

Withthat,shewasoff.
"DidImissanything?"heasked,runninghisfingerdownthebaby'sface.
"Oh,onlymyaboutgazillionthtryatnursing,"Igrumbled,annoyedthatitdidn'tcomeasnaturallyas

somethingsonaturalwassupposedto.Hewouldn'tlatchonme,buthewouldsuckontheunnaturalbottle
likeitwasnobody'sbusiness.

Ryanleanedover,kissingmytemple."Didhegetanythingfromyou?"
Ishrugged,takingadeepbreath."AbouthalfwhathewassupposedtoIguess."
"Halfisbetterthanlasttime,"hetoldme,givingmeasmallsmile."That'sprogress,honey."

"You'reright,"Iagreed,smilingthestressaway."It'sprogress."
Progress.
Itwaswhatwehadbuiltourrelationshiponthehopeof.
Anditwaswhatwehadslowlybutsurelymade.
Anditwaswhattherewassuretobemuch,muchmoreofinourfuture.