Zero Fcks – L K Collins

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ZEROF*CKS

anovelby

LKCOLLINS








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Copyright©2016LKCollins

CoverDesignbyPrezidentCollins

EditedbyLisaChristman,AdeptEdits

Photographybycuraphotography

Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyany

means,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorage

andretrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwriting.

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsaretheproductoftheauthor ’s

imaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoanyactualpersons,livingordead,

events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.

Theauthoracknowledgesthetrademarkedstatusandtrademarkownersofvariousproducts

referencedinthisworkoffiction,whichhavebeenusedwithoutpermission.Thepublication/useof

thesetrademarksisnotauthorized,associatedwith,orsponsoredbythetrademarkowner.

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TableofContents

Dedication

Chapter1

Cameron

Chapter2

Nixon

Chapter3

Cameron

Chapter4

Nixon

Chapter5

Cameron

Chapter6

Nixon

Chapter7

Cameron

Chapter8

Nixon

Chapter9

Cameron

Chapter10

Nixon

Chapter11

Cameron

Chapter12

Nixon

Chapter13

Cameron

Chapter14

Nixon

Chapter15

Cameron

Chapter16

Nixon

Chapter17

Cameron

Chapter18

Nixon

Chapter19

Cameron

Chapter20

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Nixon

Chapter21

Cameron

Chapter22

Nixon

Chapter23

Cameron

Chapter24

Nixon

Chapter25

Cameron

Chapter26

Nixon

Chapter27

Cameron

Chapter28

Nixon

Chapter29

Cameron

Chapter30

Nixon

Chapter31

Cameron

Chapter32

Nixon

Chapter33

Cameron

Chapter34

Nixon

Epilogue

Cameron

Acknowledgements

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Dedication

Mr.Prezident,mysexyhusband,thankyouforteachingusallhowamanlivesgivingzerof*cks,

throughtheeyesofNixon.




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Chapter1

Cameron

“OhmyGod,Conner,Imissyousomuch,”Itellmybrother,aswevideochat.AndeventhoughIcan

seehisface,it’sstillnotthesame…orenough.

“Sevenmonthsandyou’llhavemehome,sis.”

“Ican’twait.”He’sservinghissecondtouroverseasandhasbeengoneforwaytoolong.

“HaveyoutalkedtoMomandDad?”heasksme.

“NotsinceEaster.You?”

“No,Igotapackageontheshiptheotherdayfromthem.Thepostagelookedlikeitcamefrom

Belize,butwhoknowswheretheyarenow,”hesays.

Ourparentssailtheworld.MybrotherandIgrewupspendingalotoftimeontheirsailboat.

It’sprobablywhywebothlovethewateranddowhatwedoforaliving—he’saNavySEALandI’m

intheUSCoastGuard.“Momsaidthey’dbeherewhenyougothome.”

“You’restillcoolifIcrashwithyouthough,right?”

“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?I’dbepissedifyoudidn’t.”Ourparentswouldwelcomehimon

theirboat,butwhenConnercomeshome,helikestobeoffthewater,andIcan’tblamehim.

Sometimesyoujustneedsolidground.Thefeedcutsoutonmylaptop,andhisfaceblursfora

second,thenhe’sback.“Canyouhearme?”Iask,knowingalotoftimewhenitcutsoutweloseour

audioconnection.

“Yeah.Hey,Imeanttoaskyou,haveyouseenNixon?Iknowhemovedbackhomeaftergetting

kickedoutoftheNavy.”

“Hellno.YouknowIdon’twanttoseehim;don’tevensayhisname.”

“Oh,comeon,Cam,youaren’tstillpissedathim,areyou?”

IrollmyeyeshatingtoberemindedofanythingthathastodowithNixonAndrewsormypast

withhim.Hebrokemyheart,plainandsimple.“I’llneverforgivehim.Besides,he’sthereason

you’rehalfwayacrosstheworld.”

“No,heisn’t!Imadethisdecisiononmyownandyouforgavemeforleavingtoo.”

“Conner,youdon’tneedtoprotecthimanymore.”

“I’mnot.Comeon,I’mheretoprotectyou.Anyway,IaskedbecauseIwantedyoutoknowhe’s

beenthroughsomecrazyshit.He’snotthesameguyhewaswhenheleft.”

Thefeedcutsout,andIswitchthesubjectwhenhecomesbackintoview,notwantingtotalk

aboutNixonorthepastanylonger.Itwasfiveyearsago,andclearlyifhe’sbackandnotcontacting

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me,he’sasdonewithmeasIamwithhim.Iworriedabouthimforlongenough.I’mdonewiththe

Nixonpityparty.“DoyouneedanythingthatIcansendyou?”

“Hmmm.Maybesomebeefjerky,andyouknowwhat?Icouldreallyuseanewpairof

sunglasses.”

Ichuckleathislist.“Really,that’sit?”

“Yeah,that’lldo.”

“Hollis,time’sup.”SomeoneyellsatConnerinthebackgroundandIneedtogetgoingmyself.

Theguyswillbehereanyminutetopickmeup.

“Iloveyou,littlesis,”hesays,andItellhim,“Iloveyoutoo,Con.Besafe.”

“Always.We’lltalkinafewdays.”

ThescreengoesblackandthesamefeelingsIalwaysgetwhenIsaygoodbyetohimwashover

me…fear—anxiety—tension.I’mscaredformybrother ’ssafety.Heisoutthere,inthemiddleof

nowhere,fightingtokeepourcountrysafe.Aknockonthedoorstartlesme,bringingmeoutofmy

worries.Igetup,lettingGuy,Seth,andLukein.Weallworktogether,andI’mgladtohavethemasa

distractionrightnow.

“Hey,”Ihugthemall,excitedtogetoutandhavesomedrinks,butI’malsosadthatthisisgoing

tobeourlasttimewithSeth.

“Well,don’tyoulookhottonight?”Lukesaysgrabbingfourshotglassesfrommykitchen

cabinetasherubsupagainstme.

“Why,thankyou,butI’mwithyoufools,sonoone’sgonnabelookingmydirection.”

AfterwhatNixondidtome,I’vehadahardtimetrustingmen,buttheseguyshaveshownme

thatsomemencanbehonest.Sethunscrewsthebottleoftequilaandfillstheshots,thenweallcrowd

aroundmytinykitchen.“ToSeth,”Lukesays,“We’regonnamissyou,brother.”

“Here,here,”weallchantandknockbacktheshots.

SethismovingtoCaliforniawithhiswife,luckyenoughtogetreassignednearherfamilysince

theyareexpectingtheirfirstbaby.Healsogotanawesomepromotiontolieutenant,sononeofuscan

blamehimforleaving,evenifweselfishlydon’twanthimto.

“Onemorebeforewehittheroad?”LukeasksandIdon’targue—Ineedtounwindafterthe

crazyassdaywehadatwork.Thankfully,we’reofftomorrow,sowecanletloose.

Lukehappilyrefillsourshotglassesandgivesmeawink.Weknockthestrongliquorback

again.

Leavingmyapartment,weheadtoSeth’sfavoritelittlehole-in-the-wallbar.Aswepileintothe

backofacab,Sethasksus,“HasMacktoldanyofyouwho’sreplacingme?”

“No,wedon’thaveaclue,”Itellhim.

“It’llprobablybesomepoorshmuckfreshoutoftraining,”Guysaysfromthefrontseat.

“Noway.Mackwouldn’tdothattous.”AndIhavetoagree.Ourteamhasworkedtogetherfor

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fouryears,dayinanddayout.We’vecompletedmoresuccessfulhelicoptermissionsthananyother

four-personunit.GuyandLukearebothex-Navy,andforSethandI,well,theCoastGuardisour

firstlove…soit’sourlife.

Pullinguptothebar,Guypaysthedriver,likehealwaysdoes.He’sthepilot,sowelethim.

Afterall,theassmakesdoublethemoneywedo.

“Youwannasitatthebartonight?”Iask.

“Mmmmm,let’sgrabatable,ifthat’scool,”Sethsays.

WesitdownandGuyopensatabwiththewaitress.“Whenareyouleaving?”IaskSeth.

“Tomorrow.”

“Didyouguysfindaplaceyet?”

“No,we’regonnastaywithTabitha’sparentsforabit,untilwesellourhousehere.”

ThewaitressbringsoveraroundofbeersandIglanceatGuytextingonhisphone.“Everything

okay?”

“Yeah,it’sMacey,she’salittlepissedthatIdidn’tinvitehertocomeoutwithus.”

“Whydidn’tyou?”Iaskhim.

“Idon’tknow,itslippedmymind.”

“That’swhatIdon’tgetaboutyouguys.Youalwayswantustotellyouwhereweareandwhat

we’redoingandincludeyou,butyoucan’tdothesame.”

“Oh,please,Cameron,don’teventakeherside…youweremyfriendfirst,anddon’tforgetit.”

“I’mherfriend,too,andI’mgonnastickupforherwhenyoumakethewrongmove,asshole.

Soinviteher.Seth,youdon’tmindifshecomes,right?”

Lukechimesinknockingbackadrinkofhisbeerandsays,“Youguysknowthishasnothingto

dowithyou;it’sgottodowithherbrotherkeepingherinthedarkaboutbecomingaSEAL.”

“Fuckyou,asshole!”Iretort,hatinghowwelltheyknowme.

Yeah,maybemysensitivitytobeingoutoftheloopdoeshaveeverythingtodowithConner

leavingandmyex,Nixon,too.ButI’veneverspokenofNixontotheguys.Sincethedayheleftme

andbrokemyheart,Iturnedmybackonhim,thesamewayhedidtome.

Pullingmyphoneoutasitbuzzes,IseeatextfromMacey.She’ssosweetinhermessage,I’m

notbarginginonyourlastnightwithSeth.Everything’sgood.Ipromise.

Lettinggoofthesubjectthatsomehowgotturnedaroundonme,Lukeasksme,“Doyouwant

anotherdrink?”

“Sure.”

HeordersforusasSethandGuyaredeepinadebateaboutthespeedofourJayhawk.“You’re

gonnamisshim,huh?”LukeasksmeasIwatchGuyandSeth,andIsmile,noddinginresponse.I

reallyam.

Hereachesunderthetablesqueezingmythightocomfortme,andIswallowhard.I’venever

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hookedupwithanyoftheseguys,stickingwithmystandardMOofsafedistancefromallmen.

They’remybestfriends,butLukehasalwaysseemedtolikeme,flirtingandwinkingandtouching

meallthetime.

Grabbinghishandasitrestsonmyleg,Isqueezeitback.Ican’tdenythatIliketheaffectionhe

givesme.Thewaitressbringsoverourdrinksandasshesetsthemdown,weletgo.GuyandSeth

lookoveratusandask,“Wherethehellareours?”

“That’sfornotinvitingMacey!”Iteasehim.

“Whatever!”HeflipsmeoffandSethsays,“Oh,stopbeingsuchapussy.”NooneputsGuy

incheck…noone,soLukeandIcan’thelpbutlaugh.Sittingback,Iexperiencethecamaraderiethat

weallsharetothefullest,lovingourfunbanter,becausewhenitcomestoournextshift,itwon’tbe

thesamewithoutSeth.Theconnectionthatthefourofusshareissotight.Thelaughs,thebond,

everything,it’sperfect.ThereisnowaythatMackcaneverfindanyoneelsetoreplaceSeth…ever.

***

Holdingthedartbetweenthetipsofmyfingers,tryingtofocusinontheboard,I’msobuzzedandit

doesn’thelpthatLukekeepsdistractingme.“Wannamakeabet?”hewhispersinmyear.

Ishakemyheadignoringhim.GuyandSethlefthoursagotogethometotheirgirls.Saying

goodbyetoSethsucked—Icriedlikeababyandthenwallowedmypainawayinthenever-ending

shotsandbeersthatLukekeptgivingme.

“Yousure?”heasksmeagain,thistimewrappinghislowerhandaroundmywaist,awakening

somethinginsideme.Idon’tthrowthedartasIaskhim,“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”Hetalks

quietlyintomyear,hisbreathwarmashislipsarealmosttouchingme,hischinrestingontopofmy

shoulder,remindingmeofthewaymyexusedtodrawinclose.“Ifyoulose,Igettokissyou.”His

wordsshockmeandIglanceathimoutofthecornerofmyeye.

“AndwhatdoIget,ifIwin?”

“That’suptoyou.”Ithinkabouthiswager…hishandfeelssogoodaroundmybody,evenifit

isthealcoholmakingmefeelthisway.It’sbeensolongsinceaman’stouchedme…orkissedme.

I’vekeptmenatadistance,butsuddenlyI’mwondering,forwhat?He’snotNixon.Infact,he’sthe

polaropposite.

Turningaround,Ishakehishand,andhesmiles,grippingminehard.“Don’tyouwannaknow

whatIwant?”Iaskhim.

“No…youcanhaveanything,Cam.”Mymindraces,wonderingwhatI’devenwantifIwon.

LukeandIfinishourroundofdarts,withalotofarguingandbanteringregardingtherules,

andattheendofthenight,hefuckingbeatsme.“Wecouldplayagain?”hesuggests,maybetryingto

beagentleman,butIshakemyhead.KnowingdeepdownthatIwanthim.LukeandIhavewalkeda

thinlineforalongtimeandIthinkI’mreadytocrossit.

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“What,youdon’twanttokissme?”Islur.

“Oh,Ifuckingdo.Butonlyifyouwantmeto.”He’salwaysbeensorespectfulofme,andthat’s

madeiteasytokeephiminthefriendzone,becauseheneverpressuresme.That,andbecauseofmy

past,myheartisguardedagainstmeningeneral.ButLukeisdifferent—he’smyfriendandIvalue

ourfriendshipalotandwouldhatetoseethatchange.NixonandIstartedoutasfriendstoo,andwhat

Ithoughtwasthebestthingwhenwebecamemore,turnedouttobetheworstdecisionI’devermade.

Idon’twanttomakethesamemistaketwice.ButLukeisgorgeous,sotheattractioniseasilythere.

Andasmyfriend,Idotrusthim…

Finishingmydrink,Isetitdownanddecidetoliveinthemoment,knowing…Lukeisnot

Nixon.Heplaceshishandatthesmallofmyback,hislipshoveringovermine.Myinsidesheatashe

inchescloser,comingin,andIlookintohisbrowneyes,whicharedancinginthebarlights.

Thenhedoesit,hekissesmeandeverythingthatIwassoscaredof,feelssoright.Ikisshim

back,ourtonguesworkingtogether.DesirefillingmybodyasIweavemyfingersintothebackofhis

hair.Idon’tthinkIwanttostop.

Grabbinghishand,Idraghimawayfromthebarandtowardsthebathroom,feelingvery

wobbly,butdetermined.MyheadishangingforwardasIpushthedooropenandpullhiminside.He

smirksatmeasIpushhisbackagainstthedoor,andhedoesn’twasteanothersecond,kissingme

again.HislipsareovermineandItastehimasthesamesparkerupts.SinceNixon,I’vebeenwitha

fewguys,butIdon’tletmyfeelingsgetinvolved.However,beingwithLukerightnow,inthis

moment,feelslikemorethanarandomhook-up,andI’mokaywiththat;Ineedit.Lukemakesme

feelsafeandItrusthim.

Webothgetcarriedaway.Myinsidesareonfire,neverimaginingthatLukeandIwouldbe

doingthisanditcouldfeelsogood.Hecupsmyfaceforabriefmoment,lookingdeepintomyeyes.

“God,Iwantyou.”He’sbreathlessandIcan’tdenyit…Iwanthimtoo.

“Thenfuckme.”

Heshakeshishead,bitinghisbottomlip,andrefusinghisgood-guymomentbeforeitgoesany

further,Iliftmytanktopovermyhead.Mybreastsgapebackathim,andbeforeIknowit,he’sinside

mypants.“God,I’vedreamedaboutthissomanytimes,”hesays,andIcan’tevenprocessit,just

needinghiminsideme,needingagoodpoundingandtocome.Sexpost-Nixonhasbecomeafeel-

first-think-laterkindofthing.“Doyouhaveacondom?”

Hepullsoneoutofhiswalletandhandsittome.Itearitopenaswebothshimmyourpants

down.“Shouldwedothishere?”heasksme,andagainIbatawayhishesitationasIrollthecondom

downhiscock,liftmyleg,andslidehimintomybody.“Ohfuck,Cam.”

Jesus,he’shardandfeelssofuckinggoodinsideme.“Keepyourbackonthedoor,”Itellhim

asIhearsomeoneoutside.Webegintomovetogether,myfingersholdingontohisneck,mypussy

clenching.Lettinghimworkmegood,fuckingmethewayIneed.

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“Yes,Luke,”Imoan,andhesays,“Ilovewhenyousaymyname.”

“Fuckme,Luke,”Ichantagain,ashe’srubbingtherightspot.Ilookintohiseyes,never

imaginingthatsexwithhimcouldbethisgood.Hestaresbackatme,relentlesslyfuckingme,

grippingmythighlikehislifedependsonit.Hismouthisajar,andhegrins,goingalittleharderas

hepleasesmesofuckingwell,onlyseemingtocareaboutmypleasureaswebothgetsweptaway,

ourbodiesmovingsowelltogether.

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Chapter2

Nixon

Withmyhandsaroundherhips,Ipumpmycockinandout.She’sontopofme,ridingmydick,and

keepsbeggingformore.“Harder,Nixon.”Islamherpussy,givingherwhatsheasksfor.She’s

fuckingmelikeshecan’tgetenoughandIloveit.EverynerveendingisfiringonallcylindersasI

workhertightcuntsogood.

Thesunisabouttocapthemorningsky,andIcan’twaittohitsomewavesafterIblowmyload.

“Yes,”shemoanslouder,andIcursemyselffornotrememberingthischick’sname.Imetherat

thebarlastnight,andwhelp…hereweare.

Asliverofsunslicesacrosshertits,andIhaveahardtimefocusingonanythingelse.They

bounce,mymouthwateringatIwatchthem.ThenIflipheronherback,needingtotastethem.She

laughsasIhoveroverher.“God,you’reananimal.”

“Youlikegettingfuckedhard,don’tyou?”Iaskandlickacirclearoundoneofhernipples.

Stoppingourmovementsforabriefsecond,shenodsherhead.“Thengrabontoyourthighs,likea

goodgirl.”Slidingmyhandsupherback,Iwrapmyfingersoverhershouldersandfuckher‘til

she’sinalittlepain.Ilikefuckingwomenrighttotheedge.KeepingmystrokesfirmanddeepasI

workherhardlikeshelikes,itpushesherovertheedge.Watchinghercomecausesmetoblowhard,

enjoyinghertightpussymilkingme,curlingmytoes,pumpingmydickdry.

Alowgruntcracklesinmythroat,andwhenIfinish,Igetoffherandsitontheedgeofthebed

lookingoutatthebeach,stillfeelingalittledrunkfromthenightbefore.I’mstokedthatmyauntlets

mestayhere,eventhoughIhaven’tpaidhershitinrent.IwishIcaredalittlebitmoreaboutlife,but

I’mtoofuckedupsinceleavingtheNavy.WhatIthoughtmyfuturewasgonnabehasdisintegrated

beforemyeyes,andinthewastelandthatremains,Ifindmyselfdrowningthedaysaway,surfing,

drinking,andfucking.

“Iseverythingokay?”thechickasksme.

“Yeah,what’syournameagain?”Iaskher.

“Areyoufuckingserious?”

“Yup,Ireallyhaveashittymemory.”

“Fuckyou!”sheretortsandthrowsapillowatme,snatchingherclothesfromthefloor.It

alwaysworkstogetthemoutofmybed…butthistime,Ireallydon’trememberhername.

“IsitAmber?”IaskasItossthecondomintothetrashcanandglanceovermyshoulderather

assheisgettingdressed.

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“You’reanasshole,youknowthat?”

“SoI’vebeentold,sweetheart.”Ipullonmyboardshortsandopentherearslidingdoortomy

condo.Sheglares,butit’swastedonmeasItakemysurfboard,makingmywaydowntothewater.

Thesandisalreadywarmbetweenmytoes,andIfuckin’lovethefeeling.Thistimeofyearin

Florida,it’salwaysfuckinghot,butit’swhyIlivehere.ThewavesaredecentandIcansurfwhenever.

WadingoutinthecoolAtlanticOcean,Iclimbonmyboardandpaddleabit.Myeyesareonthesun

asitwarmsmyface.

Breathingintheair,Ihopethatstartingworktodaywillgivemethepurposeandadrenalinethat

Ineedinmylife.ImissbeingintheNavy.Itwasmylife…myfutureandIlostitalloverone

goddamnmistake.LikeI’vedonetimeandtimeagaininmylife.Somaybethisnextadventurewillbe

exactlywhatIneed,andIcandoitright.

Thesunhasfullyrisen,castingsomedoperaysacrossthesky.Thewavescrashbeneathme,

andIturnmybackontheyelloworb,lookingtomyleftasamassivewaveforms.Paddlingforward

tocatchit,Ihopupandturnmyboard,butsuddenlyplummetforward,tumblingbeneaththesalt

water.Idon’tbotherrushingup.Icanholdmybreathforsixminutes…askillthatItrainedforyears

toaccomplish,askillthatInolongerhaveausefor.Sittingunderthewavesastheycrashaboveme,

myboardpushesandpullsasit’sstrappedtomyankle.Thewaterburnsmyopeneyes,butbeing

underwaterisfuckingamazing.It’swhereIfeelathomeandaboutallIhavetolookforwardto

anymore.

FinallyIcomeupforairandthenridesomewaves.KnowingthatI’mjoiningmynewunit

todaygetsmeout.Idon’twanttobelateorfuckitup.

Goingbacktomyplace,Iglancearoundandthegirlfromlastnightisgone,thankGod.Ipour

agenerousamountofcheapvodkainaglass,enoughtostartmydayoffright,andthenturnthe

showeron.ButIlaughoutloudwhenIseewhatshewroteonthemirror,withwhatI’mguessingwas

redlipstick.“Amywashere!”“Amy”isunderlinedandIchuckletomyself.Amy,Amber,reallyno

differencetome.

Aftershowering,Igetdressed,garglesomemouthwash,thenwalkouttomytrucktodriveto

thebase.IleasedthisbabythedayIgothomefromCoastGuardbootcamp,takingfulladvantageof

themilitarydiscountstheywerehandingoutatthedealership.Haven’tpaidadimesince…soI’msure

anydaynowandit’llbegone.Likeeverythingelse.

AsIparkinthelot,Ilookaroundatallthehelicoptersandboatsthataredockedallaroundthe

baseandI’msounbelievablyreadyforthis.Thisgigisgoingtobefuckingamazing.Waybetterthan

slummingordersfromsomeassholethatatanymomentcanmakethedecisiononwhetheryoulive

ordie.

Onmywayinside,IpassaJayhawkandstareatit;thebladesarehugeastheyslowlywhipin

theair.Thecrewmustbegettingreadyfortake-off.Ikindahopemylieutenantstationsmeintheair;

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itwouldbeacoolchange.Imean,Ilovethewater,it’soneofthethingsIlovedmostaboutbeinga

SEAL.ThatwasbeforeIkickedtheshitoutofmycaptain,whichgotmeordersbacktotheStatesthe

sameday.Doesn’tmatterthough…Iwasneveraliferlikemostguys.IthoughtIwasforafewyears.I

followedinmydad’sfootstepsandbecameaSEAL,wantingtohonorhisnameandthemanhewas…

butnothingcanprepareyouforwhatbeingaNavySEALislike.Death—theunknown—sacrifices—

allforwhat?Afewfuckingstarsandmedals?Noneofthatshitbringsbackthelivestheytakeorthe

friendsyoulose.It’swhyIgotkickedout—mytempergotthebetterpartofmeaftermycaptainmade

abadcallduringoneofourraidsandoneofthebestguy’sonmyteampaidwithhislife.

Shakingawaythenegativitythatfestersinsideofme,Iwalkinandtellthehottiebehindthe

desk,“Hi,I’mheretoseeLieutenantBoscov.”

“Andyouare?”

“NixonAndrews.”

“Pleasehaveaseat,sir.”

ShepointstoagroupofchairsthatIpassonsittingin,insteadlookingthroughawallofglass

windowsintothehugeshopwheretheyworkonthehelicopters.Thereareatonofguysallhardat

work.

“Nixon,”mynewlieutenantcallsout.

IturnandseetheoldergentlemanwhoIwasassignedtoreportunder.He’sseemedprettycool

aboutgivingmeasecondchance.WhichI’mgratefulfor,‘causeifitwasn’tforhim,I’dbeslinging

burgersforminimumwageorsomeshit.

“Howareyou,sir?”

“Verywell.It’sgreattoseeyou,Nixon.”

Weshakehandsandhesays,“Listen,Iknowwetalkedaboutafewoptionsforyou,butIthinkI

foundapermanentspotwhereyou’llfitrightin,andit’sintheair,whichyou’veexpressedthat’s

whereyou’dliketobe.Theyareanexcellentrescueflightcrewthatisdownacrewmember.It’sa

tight-knitgroup,butIthinkwithyourknowledgeandskillset,itcouldbeagoodfit.”

“AslongasI’mbusyandsavingpeople,I’mgood,sir.”

“Oh,youwillbe.”

“Verygood,sir.”

“Great.Sowhatdoyousay…wannameetthecrew?”

“Yes.Thankyouverymuchforgivingmethisopportunity,sir.”

“You’reverywelcome,Nixon.”

HewalksoffandIfollowbehindhim,noticingthegirlatthedeskwatchingme.Igivehera

wink;she’sfuckableforsure.

“Cameron?”mylieutenantcallsout,andwhenIglanceupandseeher…I’mshocked.No

fuckingway.

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Chapter3

Cameron

Sonofabitch!

“ThisisNixonAndrews.He’sfreshoutofbootcamp,butanex-NavySEALandwillbeyour

newAST,”Mack,mylieutenant,says.

Iswallow,shocked,lookingNixonintheeyeagain.Howisthisevenremotelyfucking

possible?NixonandIshakehandsawkwardly,thefeelingofhisfingersonminemakingmyheart

skipabeat.Webothactlikewehavenocluewhotheotherpersonis,butevenafterallthistime,Ilose

mybreath.Myheartinmythroat,myeyesarewidelookingathimagain.God,he’schanged.I’d

barelyrecognizehim,ifIsawhimonthestreet.He’ssodifferent,yetthesame.Hisblackhairand

blueeyesresembletheoldNixon,butIcansensefromhisbodylanguagethathe’sclosedoffandthe

painwithinhimisclearashetriestohideit.He’sbeenthroughalot,justlikeConnerwarnedme.

“Lieutenant?”someonecallsoutforMack,andhesaystous,“Couldyoubothexcusemereal

quick?”

InodandNixonsays,“Absolutely,sir.”TheNavymust’vereallygivenhimsomemanners.

“So,youworkinthefield?”Nixonasksme,seeminglyshocked.

Iholdbackthederisivelaughhisobviousincredulitybringsburstingup.Mixedemotionsofall

sortsarerunningthroughmeasmymindtriestounscramble.Ihaven’tseenhiminfiveyears,and

that’sthefirstthinghesaystome?

“YouknewIworkedhere.Connertoldyou.”

“Uh…no,hedidn’t.YouthinkI’dbehereifIknewyouwouldbe?”

“Areyoukiddingme?DoIrepulseyouthatmuch,Nixon?”

“No,obviouslyyoudon’trepulseme,butIknowyouhateme,soIdon’twanttobearoundthat

daily.”

“Well,itsoundslikethatisexactlywhatyou’reinfor.Outofalltheplaces…why—”

Hecutsmeoff,“Icanseeyouhaven’tchangedonebit…stillenjoyingbeingafuckingnag.”

“Fuckyou!”

HestaresatmeasIcrossmyarmsovermychestandthensays,“Youlookgood,Cam,really

fuckinggood.”

“Sorryaboutthat,”Macksayscomingbackovertous,myfacebeetredandabouttoexplodeas

IpushNixonoutofmythoughts.I’llbedamnedifIlethimintomyhead.Hewon’tfuckthisupfor

me…nomatterwhat.

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“Didyoutwogetachancetomeet?”

“Yeah,”Irespondandstillcan’tbelievethisishappening.

“Great.AreGuyandLukeoutatthehelicopter?”

“Ithinkso.”

“I’mgoingtointroduceNixontothem.Thenheshouldbereadyforatrialrunwithyouguys.”

“Worksforme,”Icanbarelychokeoutthewords,butIforcemyselfto.

TheywalkoffandIstareattheground,myheadspinningandmyheartpoundingashardasit

didthedayNixonleft,bringingsomanyemotionsbacktothesurface.Justwhenthingsaregoingso

wellforme.Workisgood,Connerwillbehomesoon,andIfinallyfoundsomeoneIthinkIlikein

Luke.SomeonethatIcantrustandwhoacceptsmeforme.Hedoesn’tpushmetogivehimmoreor

anythinglikethat.Afterourhookuptheothernight,thingshavebeensocoolbetweenus,it’sbeen

likenothinghappened.Thatawkwardnessisn’tthere,thingsarejustnormalandthat’swhatIneed.

That’swhyIthinkLukeandIcouldhavesomething.

Butnow,here’sNixonoutoftheblue,crashinginonthings,makingmeinstantlysecond-guess

itall,givingmeasuddentsunamioffeelingsI’veworkedsolongtopushdownandlockaway.

Pickingupmyclipboard,Iholdontoittightly,mynailsdiggingintotheback.

Icanseetheguysoutsideallshakinghandsandbeingchummy.I’msurehe’sgoingtodo

whateverhecantomaketheguyslikehim.Jesus,I’mfucked.InevertoldGuyorLukeaboutNixon,

sothey’renotgoingtounderstandmydislikeforhim.Theyhavenoclueofthepainhecausedme.

Growingup,itwasalwaysmybrother,Nixon,andIhangingout.Wewerethebestoffriends

sincewewereyoung,spendingdayinanddayouttogether.Thenastimewenton,Ideveloped

feelingsforNixonandfoughtthemforyears.Hewasmyfriend;Ididn’twanttoruinthat.Butdeep

down,therewasmoretomyfeelingsforhimandIneededtoacknowledgeit,andIneededtoknowif

hefeltthesameaboutme.Afterbattlingforsolong,Ifinallygaveinandsodidhe.Andfromthat

momenton,itwasawhirlwindofarelationship,nothingcouldstopusorcomebetweenus.AndasI

lookedforwardtothefuturemorethanIeverhadinmyentirelife,heputitallinjeopardy.

Everythinghepromisedmehunginthebalanceofasinglechoice—onedecision,andintheblinkof

aneye,hewentbackonitallandsnatcheditaway,includingmybrother,whentheybothjoinedthe

Navy.Itkilledmeintheprocessfromtheinsideout…

…“Conner?Nixon?”Icalloutgettinghomefromswimpracticeearly.ButthenormalresponseI

getfromthemdoesn’tcome.IcheckmyphoneforanymessagesfromeitherandIdon’tseeany,soI

figuretheyareupstairs.

Headingup,IhearthemtalkinginConner’sroom.Ireachforthedoorhandle,butI’mstopped

deadinmytracksasIhearNixonsay,“Comeon,man,she’llbefine.”

“Iknowshewill,butIfeelbadwehaven’teventoldheryet.”

“Wewill,man,whenthetime’sright.”

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“Thisissuchahugedecision.Howcanyoubesosure?”Conneraskshim.

“Idon’thaveachoice.Mydaddiedfightingforourcountry.Ihavetofollowinhisfootsteps.I

havetohonorhisname.Thisisallheeverwantedmetodo.”

“Don’tyoufeelbadthatyoutoldCamyouweren’tgonnajoin?”

“Ido,andIdon’twanttohurther,butdeepdown,Iknowthisismydestiny.Itdoesn’tfeelright

toignoreitanymore.SheknowsIreallyconsideredcollege…butIjustcan’t.Butenoughaboutme,you

gottafuckingstopswayingbackandforthandmakeupyourmind,bro.”

“Iwill,butIneedalittlemoretimetowrapmyheadaroundeverything,tomakesurethatthisis

reallywhatIwant...”

Iconfrontedthemrightaway,andtheybothconfirmedtheywerejoiningtheNavy.Itwaslike

ConnerhadsuddenlymadeuphismindandNixonseemedtoactlikeIshouldknowhewasdoingthis.

Overthelastyear,sincehisfatherhadbeenkilledbyenemyfireintheNavy,itseemedlike

Nixonhadbeenpushingmeaway.Ihadassumedthatitwassimplyhisgriefweighingonhim,butasI

lookback,Icanseethathewasalsodisconnectingfromme,preparingforwhathefeltlikehehadto

dotohonorhisfather ’smemory.

But,itdidn’tmatterwhatIsaidtohimorConner;therewasnotalkingthemoutofit.They’d

alreadygonebehindmyback,mybrotherandthefirstguyI’deverloved.TheonlypeopleIhadin

thisworldhadsignedtheirlivesawaywithouteventalkingtomeaboutitfirst.Iwould’veneverdone

anythinglikethattothem.Itcrushedeveryonethatcaredforthem.ThefutureNixonandIhadtalked

aboutwasnowonholdashewasgoingtoriskhislifeandpossiblynotcomehome.Thefeelingso

unsettling,Istillhaveanxietytothisday.

Andaweeklater,totheday…itwastimeforbothtogo.Ididn’tthinkthey’dactuallyleave,and

certainlynotsosoon.Buttheydid,theirpatriotismsuddenlytakingpriorityoverthebondsweshared.

AndnomatterhowhardItriedtotalkthemoutofit,Icouldn’t.They’dalreadycommittedandmade

uptheirminds.

Whichisevencrazier,becauseNixonsworetomehe’dneverjoinafterhisdaddiedand

Connernevertalkedaboutwantingto.

Tothisday,Connerswearsleavingwasonehundredpercenthischoice,andmaybeitwas,but

deepdown,IknowNixoninfluencedhim.IheardwhatIheardandsawthewayConnerlookedupto

him.Hewashisrolemodel.Upuntilthen,Conneralwayshaddreamstosailtheworldlikeour

parents,notsavetheworldandbecomeaNavySEAL.

Theworstpartofall,aswesaidgoodbye,Nixonbrokeupwithme.Hesaidhewantedmeto

followmydreams,likehewas,butthatwasthelastthingIwanted.Hedidn’twantmewaitingaround.

Hewantedmetogoonandlivemylife,buthowcouldIwhenhe’dbecomemylife.Ibeggedhimto

notendthings,buthesaiditwasformyowngood.Thathedidn’twantmetoendupalonelikehis

mom.Andasheletmego,Ifeltmyinsidesdying,andtohim,itseemedlikeitwasnobigfucking

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deal.

Itfeltlikelosinghimthen,orwhetherI’dlosthimlaterinsometragicmilitaryincident,itwas

allthesame.Ittookmeyearstoletgoofhim,andthegoddamnminutethatIthinkIcanactually

moveonandhavesomethingrealwithsomeoneasgoodasLuke,herehefuckingis,backinmylife,

notcaringonebitaboutwhathedidtome,oraboutwhatIwentthrough.Notapologizingaboutwhat

hedidtomebackthenorisdoingtomenow.

***

“Youeverpilotedbefore?”LukeasksNixonovertheradioasweareoutonoursecondtestrun

oftheday.

“No,Iwaspartofateamthatdidtacticalmissions.Leavingtheshipandgoinginonland,doing

raidsandsearches.”Jesus,I’malreadysickofhowmuchLukeandGuyaresuckinguptohim.It’s

Conner2.0.

“Why’dyouleave?”

“IgotintoitwithmyCaptainandkickedtheshitoutofhim.ButIneededachangeanyway.”

Ihuffintotheradio,knowingthat’salie.Hedidn’twantachange.I’msureofit.Thiscan’t

makehimhappyintheslightest.ClearlyhealwayswantedtobeaSEAL,evenifheliedtomeabout

joining,itallcameoutintheend.

It’snotthatI’mevenmadathimanymore;I’veletgoofthepastandmovedonfromallhisshit.

Itwassolongago.I’vedonewellformyself.I’mindependentandhappyandwillnever,everdepend

onanyoneagaininmylife.AtleastnotthewayIdidhimandmybrother.

Lookingoverathimashesitsbackandlooksouthiswindow,Iwonder,whycomebackhere?I

mean,thisareaiswhereheisfrom,butwhytheCoastGuard?

“Hey,Cam,yourbrother ’saSEAL,right?”Guyasksme.

“Uh-huh.”

“That’scool,”Nixonresponds,clearlynotwantingtheguystoknowaboutourpast,sameas

me.

“We’llbeapproachingthesiteinninetyseconds,”Lukesays.

“Ten-four,”IrespondandunstrapmyharnessasNixondoesthesame.

“Areyousureyou’rereadytodothis?”Iaskhimsarcastically.

“Hellyeah,Iam.”

Ihooktherepellinglinetohisharnessandopenthedoortothehelicopter.Hiseyesareonme,

alloverme.Takingaroundliferaft,Itossitoutoftheaircraft,watchingitspilldowntotheocean.

“That’syourmark,”Itellhim.“Youhavesixtysecondstobringitbackup.”

“You’recleartodescend,”Guysays.

“Ready?”

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Henodsonceandgetsinposition,andIdon’thesitatepushingthebuttonthatlowershimtothe

water.Lookingdown,itisacalmday.Squintingmyeyes,Icalculatehowcloseheistotheocean.He

waveshisarmsignalingmetostop,butIcan’t.Holdingthebuttondownalltheway,itslamshiminto

theAtlantic.

“Whatthefuck,Cam?”Lukehollersatme,lookingdownatNixonsoakingwetinthewater.

“Sorry,myfingerslipped.”

“Yourfingerhasneverslipped,Cameron,”Guyscoldsme.

“What,youthinkIdidthatonpurpose?Idon’tusuallyrunthisthing;itseemsabitjerky.”Guy

andLukelookateachotherandIaskthem,“What?”

“Youokay?You’veseemedalittleofftoday.”

“No,Ihaven’t,”Iargueback.“I’mfine.”

“Whatever,bringhimbackup,”Guysays.

Nixonisholdingontothelifering,andasIpressthebuttontopullhimbackup,Lukeasksme,

“Areyousureyou’reokay?”

“Yeah,whywouldyouthinkI’mnot?”

“Youdon’tseemlikeyourself.”

“I’malittleoutofmyelementwithoutSethhere.ThingsareharderthanIthoughtthey’dbe.”

“Who’sSeth?”Nixonasksme.

IforgotallaboutNixonforamomentandasIlookoutthehelicopter,he’satthedoor.“He’s

theguywhousedtoworkwithus.”

“What,didyoudatehim?”Nixonasksme,likehehasarighttoknowandLukewinksatme,

remindingmeoftheothernightandwhat’simportant—it’snotNixon.Ismile,rememberingtheway

Luke’slipsfeltonmine.

“No,wejustworkedtogetherforalongtime.”

“That’scool,”Nixonresponds,andInoticehisjawisclenched.

“Youdatinganyonenow?”heasksme,andIignorehim,notwantingtotalkaboutmypersonal

life.Plus,Idon’tknowwhatLukeandIare,ifanything,andwedidn’ttellGuy.Notthatit’sasecret,

butfornow…itseemstobeforthebest.Nixonhasnorighttoaskmeanything.Helostthatright

whenheleftme,turninghisbackonmeandtakingawaythefutureweweremeanttohave.Hehadno

righttomakethosechoicesforme,regardlessofhisreasons.Ideservedasayinitall.

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Chapter4

Nixon

“Youcomingoutwithus,brother?”Guyasksme.

IlookatCameronandcanseehowbotheredsheisbyme.“Nah,I’mgood.I’vegotother

plans.”

“Comeon,”Lukesays,“Justonedrink,man.Youkickedassintrainingtoday—let’scelebrate.”

CameronputshershoesonandIblinkafewtimescontemplatingwhattodo.“Comeon,

Cameron,tellhimyouwanthimtocome.”

“He’sagrownman,”shetellsLuke.“Lethimmakehisowndamndecisions.Heseemspretty

capabletome.”

Damn,whatajab.DidIreallyhurtherthatbad?Imean,weweresoyoungandInevertoldherI

lovedheroranything.Shecan’tstillbeholdingontotheshitfromthepast…canshe?Imean,Ididit

forherowngood.Isawwhatlosingmydaddidtomymom,Icouldn’taskhertoputherlifeonhold

forme,inhopesI’dreturnandnotbefuckedup.“Whereareyouguysgoing?”Iask,consideringone

drink,justtogetunderherskinalittlebitmore.

TheybothlookatCameron,likeshe’stheirfuckin’boss,andsheshrugshershoulders,“Idon’t

care.”

“There’sabarcalledWilly’sOceanside,”Guytellsme.

I’vebeentherebefore,soI’mfamiliarwithwhereit’sat.“Youheadedtherenow?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool,I’llswingbyandknockafewdownwithyouguys.”

Cameronsighslikethenewsofmejoiningisgoingtokillher.It’sthesamesoundshe’sbeen

givingmeallgoddamnday.Maybeshedoesn’twanttobearoundmebecauseshestillcan’tletmego,

whichisnowaytolive,inmyopinion.Butit’snotmyfuckinglife…it’shers.Reachingdown,Igrab

mybagfromthebenchnexttoherandwhisperinherear,“Wereyoureallythathunguponmy

dick?”

“Fuckyou,”shemuttersback,andIturnaround,lovinghoweasilyIcangettoher.I’vealways

beenabletopushherbuttonsandclearlystillcan.It’soneofthereasonsIfinallycrossedthelinewith

her.We’dalwaysbanterbackandforth,mostofwhichwouldturnintowrestling,untilonenightwhen

itledtomore.ThesecondIwasinsidehertightpussy,itwasasifshe’dcastafuckin’spelloverme.

Nothingelsematteredforthebetterpartofthenextyear,excepther.AllIwantedtodowasbearound

her,tobeinsideher.Sheconsumedme,butitcouldn’tstopfatefromknockingatmydoor.

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SayinggoodbyetoLukeandGuy,Ileaveandgostraighttothebar.Ireallydon’thaveanything

elsetodotonight.Icouldtextbackanyofthechicksthatareblowingupmyphone,butI’dratherget

ajumpstartondrinkingandfindsomeonenewtobang.

SittingontherooftopdeckatWilly’sOceanside,IcanseetheAtlanticfrommyseat.

“Hereyougo,Nixon,”thesexyblondewaitresssays,settingdownapitcherofbeerandtwo

shots.Iknockoneback,noticingthatshe’sstillstandingtherewatchingme.AsIsettheglassdown,I

lookupatherandshesays,“Youdon’trememberme,doyou?”

Thefeelingofmortificationnolongerexists,asthishappensmoreoftenthannot.Firststep,I

lookforanametag,whichisnotthere.Butshehasanicerack.

“Ofcourse,Irememberyou,”Ilietoher,knowingshe’llgiveinandtellmeallaboutwhatwedid,

nowthatI’veclaimedtorememberher.

“Youdo?”

“Yeah,absolutely.”

“Thenwhydidn’tyoutextmeback?”

“Ihadtogetanewphone,droppedmyotheroneonthejob.”Ishakemyphoneinfrontofher

andshesmilesatme.

“Soyoustarted?”sheasksme,andthefuzzyrecollectionstartstocomeback…Iwasdrunkand

ramblingaboutmyCoastGuardtraining.

“Yeah,I’mactuallymeetingmycrewheretonight.”

“Nixon!”Lukeshouts,walkingupthestairswithCameronandGuybehindhim.

“What’sup,brother?”IshakehishandanddothesametoGuy,thenawkwardlygiveCamerona

hug.Damn,shesmellsthesame—thatfuckingsmellofcoconutandtheoceanalwaysgotmycock

excited.

“Iwasjustgonnaorderforyouguys,”Itellthemandthewaitresssays,“Hi,I’mLucy.Whatcan

Igetyoualltodrink?”Lucy,fuck,howcouldIforgethernamewasLucy?

“We’lltakeapitcheralso.Stella’sgoodandfourshotsoftequilaplease,”Guyordersforthem

andpassesherhiscard.

“Keepem’coming,”ItellLucy,happytotakeadvantageofGuy’scard.Iknockmyothershot

backsincethereisathirdonitsway.Asshewalksoff,weallthreestareather,andCameronclears

herthroatpullingusbacktoreality.

“So,youguyscomehereoften,orwhat?”Iaskthem,quicklyrecovering.

“Sometimes,”Guyssays,andInoticethatCameronisrestingherheadonherhand,lookingout

atthewater.Theguysdon’tseemtonoticeherdisconnect,soIignoreittoo.

“Wegooutoccasionally,whenwedon’thavetoworkthenextday,”Lukesays.“Butitreally

dependswherewefeellikegoing.Therearesomanycoolspotshere.”

“Really?Howdoyounotgetsickandtiredofeachother?”

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Theylookbackandforth,andCameronsighs…again.Lucysetstheshots,pitcher,andastack

ofcupsdown.IcanbarelyhearCameronorderingsomethingelsefromher.“ToNixon!”Luke

exclaims,andGuyresponds,“Here,here!”IslammyshotonthetableandwatchCameronasshe

swallowsherswithoutevenraisingherglass,thenaskher,“CouldIholleratyou,alone,realquick?”

I’mdonewithherbullshit.

Sheshakesherheadandgoesbacktostaringoutatthewater.Lucypassesherwhatever

concoctionsheorderedandGuyasksher,“Cam,what’sgoingon?”

“Nothing,Itoldyouguys,ImissSeth.That’sall.”Lukepullsheragainsthischestandshehugs

himclosely.Seeinghishandsonherlightsafireinsideme.She’snotmine,I’mnotfuckingstupid,

butIstilldon’tlikethethoughtofanyoneelsetouchingher.Shelooksupathimandthenclosesher

eyes,likehehassomefuckingpoweroverher.Holyshit…shelikeshim.

“Isthatreallyall?”Iaskherpointblank,tiredofherstupidgamesandhopingit’llgetherout

ofhisarms.

SheignoresmeandIflickherarm,forcinghertoturnandlookatme.“Don’tfuckingtouch

me!”shesnarls,overreactingtoalittleflick.Icansensetheguysareshockedbyherreaction,not

surewhattodo.

“Isthatreallyall?”IaskheragainandfinallyLukeletshergo.

“Justletherbe,man,”Lukesays,stickingupforher,andIsitbackinmychairdowningmy

beer,wishingshe’dstopbeingsuchabitch.

“Sosorry,”Irespondwithasarcastictoneasanawkwardvoidfillstheair.Ishouldtellthem

aboutus,butIsenseitcouldcomplicatethingsevenmore,andpossiblymaketheguysnotlikeme.I

needthemonmysideifIwantthisassignmenttoworkout.AndIreallydo—beingintheairtoday

wasawesome.Ilovedit,andIcan’tlie…Ineedthemoney.

“Ididn’tmeantotouchyou,”Itellher,asshestillignoresme.“IonlywantedtoknowwhatIdid

toupsetyou.”Icanseethebackofherheadshakealittle.Shedoesn’twanttodiscussthingsortellthe

guysaboutus.

“Youtwogood?”Lukeasksus,asGuyisonhisphone.

“Iam,ifyouare?”Shenodsandsetsheremptydrinkdown.Guypassesherhisphoneandsays,

“It’sSeth.”

ShesmilesmorethanI’veseenfromherasshebringsittoherearandwalksawaytothe

railingtotalktohim.

“Sotheywerereallythatclose?”Iask.

“Oh,yeah,andyou’llgettherewithhertoo.Giveitalittletimeandgoeasyonher.She’sbeen

throughalotinherlife.”

“Yeah?Likewhat?”Iask,curiousastowhatshe’stoldthem.

“Herparentsleftherwhenshewasseventeentosailaroundtheworldandrightafter,her

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brotherjoinedtheNavy.Hewasherbestfriendandhasonlybeenhometwicesinceheleft,”Guy

says.

“Damn,thatsucks.”

“Yeah,sowe’reallshe’sgot.Goeasyonher,wouldya?”

“Surething.”Ifinishmybeerandrefillmyglassfromthepitcher,notabletohelpmyselffrom

staringatCameron’sass.Damn,shewashotbackthen,butshe’satanewfuckin’levelnow!

“Sowhat’syourstory,man?”Lukeasksme.ItoldthemalittleearlierhowIwasaNavySEAL,

butIdidn’telaborateasIsensedCamerontensethemomentIbroughtitup.

“Notmuchofastory.I’mlaidback.I’maworkhard,playhardkindaguy.I’maddictedto

surfingandwomen…really,that’sit.I’mprettyclosewithmyfamily.Theyallliveinlandabit.”

“Nosteadywomaninyourlife?”Lukeasks.

“Nah,butIdidhitourwaitresstheothernight,”Isaywithagrin.“You?”

HeshakeshisheadandtheybothchuckleasGuysays,“Ihaveagirlfriend,Macey,been

togetherforaboutayearnow.”

“Shedoesn’tmindyouworkingwithagirlandgoingoutwithheronyourfreenights?”

“Nah,thegirlsaretight.Maceyisanursesosheworksthenightshift.Doesn’tleavemuchfor

meathomemosteveningswhenI’moff.”

Luke’sphonebuzzesandheglancesatit,thenhesays,“Hey,man,youeverbeenskydiving?”

“Fuckyeah!Why?”

“Tomorrow’smybirthdayandwebookedthisbigskydivingtripawhileback.Itotallyforgot

totellthemthatSethwasn’tcomingnowthathe’sgone.Doyouwanttotakehisspot?”

“Yousure,bro?Cameronwouldn’tmind?”

“Noway,she’llbefinewithit.”

“Finewithwhat?”sheaskspassingGuybackhiscellphone.

“IinvitedNixontojumpwithustomorrow.”

“Cool,”sheresponds,likeit’snobigdealandwavesLucybackover.Howdidshegofromnot

beingabletostandme,toacceptingthefactthatI’mcomingwiththemtomorrow?Imean,notthat

I’mcomplaining.Iwasgettingprettyexhaustedofherbitchyattitude.Ifshe’sgonnabecool,thenso

amI.

Lucywalksoff,myeyesalloverherass,andsheglancesbackatme,noddingthatIfollowher.

“Youguysexcusemerealquick?”Iask.

“Sure,”theguysrespondandCameronlookslikeshecouldbesickasIfollowLucy,smacking

herassandrushingherintothebathroom.ShelicksherlipsandImakesurethatIdon’tforgether

name,‘causeI’mnotonlytakingherhometonight,butI’mgonnasnagaquickblowjobbeforewe

go.

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Chapter5

Cameron

“Cam?”myheadispoundingassomeoneisbangingonmyfrontdoor.Gettingup,I’mstillwobbly.

Goddammit,Idrankwaytoomuch.

“Coming!”Ihollerandstumbleacrosstheroom.

Openingthedoor,it’sGuy.He’sgotacoffeeineachhand,andIgladlyacceptitthengesture

himinside.“Howareyounothungover?”Iaskashelookslikehe’sreadyforwork.

“Ididn’tdrinkadozenlongislandicedteas.”

“Ididn’teither,”Iargueback,squintingupathim,thesunsobrightcomingthroughthe

windowsithurts.“Yeah,youdid,”heremindsme.

Dammit…IdidandIpoundedthemhardafterNixondisappearedwithourwaitress.Whoishe?

I’mstilldisgustedthinkingaboutit.

“Where’sMacey?”

“She’snotcoming.”

“Oh,comeon.Noteventowatchusjump?”

“No,youknowshehatesitwhenwedothistypeofshit.Shegotthenightoffthough,soshe’ll

beherelater,forthebarbecue.

“Igottatakeafewaspirin.”Iheadintomybathroom,hopingit’llclearmyheadache,andyell

outtohim,“DidyouseeLuke’sgift?Iputitonthecounter?”Myheadpoundsfromtalkingsoloudly.

IhearGuygetitoutofthebag.HeandIwenthalfersonasickassArchimede42automatic

watch,andIcan’twaitforLuketoseeit.Iknowhowmuchhe’sbeenwantinganewone;it’stheonly

thingheseemedtowant.Iwasconsideringgivinghimagoodfucking…butthatwasbeforeNixon

cameback.NowmywholeheadisfuckedupregardinghowIfeelabouttakingthingsfurtherwith

Luke.Notthatitshouldmatter,Nixonhasclearlymovedon,soIshouldtoo.

Guyyellsout,“SowhenwereyougonnatellusthatNixonisyourex?”

Iblinkafewtimes,stunned,staringatmyflushedexpression.LukeisgonnabepissedIdidn’t

tellhimmyself.GoddamnSeth!“Thatmotherfuckertoldyouguys?”

“Comeon,Cam,youknowtherules.Sethmightnotbeworkingwithusanymore,butwedon’t

keepsecretsfromeachother.Whydidn’tyoutellus?”

“Because…itwasalongtimeagoand…”Itrailoff,notevensurewhattosaytohim.I

should’vetoldthem,especiallysinceItoldSethwhenItalkedtohimlastnight.ButIneededhis

unbiasedadvice,andhesaidhewouldn’ttellGuyorLuke.He’dletmedoitwhenIwasready,but

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clearlyheliedtome,likeallmendo.

“Itdoesn’tmatter,Guy.Wedatedwhenwewerereallyyoungandnowsomuchhaschanged.”

“Clearly,notalothas,”hejivesback.“Itallmakessensenow,whyyoudon’tlikehim.”

“WhatelsedidSethtellyou?”Iaskwalkingbackintothelivingroom.

“Nothing,hesaidhewasyourexandwantedustoknow,soyoudidn’tenduphurt…again.”

Walkinguptomyfridge,Igrabapictureoffofit.It’sofConner,Nixon,andme.Passingitto

Guy,Itakeaseatnexttohimashestudiesitandsays,“Iknewhelookedfamiliar.”

“WasheintheNavywithConner?”GuyasksmeandItakethepictureback,sippingonmy

coffee.

“Yeah,theyenlistedtogether.”

“IsthatwhyyouhateNixon?”

“Idon’thatehim.It’salongstory.”

“I’msuretheyhadtheirreasonsforjoining.”

“Ohwhat,likeneedingtoliveoutacalltopatriotismwithouteventellingtheonesyoulove?

ThenNixonbrokethingsoffwithme,‘causehedidn’twantmetoenduphurt,allwhilehurtingme,

leavingmesobbingonmyhandsandknees?Thosearevalidreasons?”Heshakeshishead,my

outrageclearlyalittledramatic,butIneedhimtounderstandthatNixonisn’tinnocentinallofthis

andthatmyangerforhimstemsfromhisactions.“Exactly,”Itellhim,“Itwasn’thischoicetomake,

whetherIstuckbyhimornot…itwasmine.Andthentoconvincemybrothertogowithhim,itkilled

me.”

“Icouldn’tevenimaginewhatyouwentthrough,Cam.I’msorry.”

“It’snotyourfault.I’vetriedtoletitgo…butseeinghimagainhasbroughtbacksomany

fuckingmemoriesandemotionsandthingsIjustwanttoforget.”

“Areyougonnabeabletoworkwithhim?”

“Ijustdon’tknowrightnow,Guy.”

Guy’sphoneringsandhecheckstoseewho’scalling.Shit,it’sLuke.Wegottago.Irunintomy

bedroomandquicklychange,thenbrushmyteethandhair,notsurehowIfeelaboutspendingtheday

withbothLukeandNixon.Searchingwithinmyselfforthestrengthtogetthroughit,Icandothis.It’s

Luke’sbirthday.Ican’tletanythingruinhisday.AsmuchasIhateNixon,Ihavetoputthatbehindme,

forLuke.

***

“Areyouexcited?”IaskLuke,sothankfulthatmyheadhasstoppedhurting,andhegivesmea

tighthug.Hehasn’tbroughtupawordaboutNixon,orwhateverSethtoldhim,soI’mnoteither,not

onhisbirthday.

“Youknowit,”hesayslookingdownatme,staringatmylips,andGuyasksus,ruiningthe

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moment,“Whatjumpisthisforus?”

“Thirty-two,”Lukesaysandloosenshishold.

“That’sinsane.Bestbirthdayever,”Guysays.

“Isthiseveryone?”theinstructorasksuswhilewegetready.

“Nah,we’llhaveanotherguyjoiningus,”hetellsher.

“Ishelicensed?”

“I’mnotsure,”Lukesays,“He’sjumpedbeforethough.”

“Okay,well,youallknowthedrill,getsuitedup.”

ThethreeofusareallUSPA“A”licensed,sowecanjumpalone.I’massumingNixonisn’t,and

Ifindalittlesatisfactionthinkingthathe’llhavetojumpstrappedtoaninstructor.

Asweallbegintochange,Nixonstrollsinlikehe’shotshitwithhisownchuteonandnot

wearingashirt.Fuck,hedidn’tusedtobethathot.Iforcethethoughtintothebackofmyhead.It

doesn’tmatter.

“Sorry,I’mlate,Iwasalittlebusythismorning.”Vomitrisesinthebackofmythroat,knowing

exactlywhathe’sreferringto.

“It’sallgood,man.Gladyoucouldmakeit,”Luketellshim.

TheguysshakehandsandInoticeahugehickeyonNixon’sneck.What,isheinhigh

school?

“Morning,Cam.”Hegivesmeafirmhug,holdingmelongerthanI’dlike.Hishandsonme

sendmyheartintooverdriveandItellhim,“Don’tcallmethat.”TryingtothinkofanyjabthatIcan

togethimtoletmego.

“Comeon,whenareyougonnaletthepastgo?”

ThankfullytheinstructorcomesupbehindNixonandtheybegintotalkaboutthejump,soI

don’thavetoanswerhim.Ioverhearhimtellherhe’slicensedandhasoverahundredjumpsfrom

theNavy.IhadnoideawhathedidintheNavy—Connerwouldnevertellmeathingabouthimand

finallyIstoppedasking.

IfindmyselffullonwatchingNixontalk,whichhasmyinsidespulsating,andnotbecauseI’m

scaredforthejump,butbecauseIknowI’minforonehellofaday.Buriedbeneaththelayersofthe

façadethatIliveunder,Nixonawakenssomethinginsideofme,somethingthatI’veburiedforyears

nowandIdon’twanttoletout…Ican’t.

“Youokay?”Lukeasksme,pullingmeoutofmydaydream.

“Yeah,ofcourse.I’mgreat.”He’ssosweetandcaringashepushesmyhairbehindmyear.I

knowhewantswhatisbestforme,andobviouslynowthatheknowsaboutNixon,evenifhehasn’t

saidaword,hisguardisup.

“SorryIinvitedhim,”hesays.

“It’sallgood.”

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“Yousure?”heasksme.

“Yeah,I’veletgoofthepast,we’recool.”Ihatetolie,butIdon’twantLukefeelingbadonhis

birthdayforsomethingsostupid.“Plus,today’saboutyou.”

Headingupintheplane,IlovethesmileandtheexpressiononLukeandGuy’sfaces;theywere

borntobeinthesky.Don’tgetmewrong,Ilovejumpingtoo…butIprefertobeinthewater.

“We’reapproachingtwelvethousandfivehundredfeet,”thepilotsaysandtheinstructoropens

thedoortotheplane.

“Who’sfirst?”

GuyandIlookatLukeandhekneelsatthedoorwaitingforhissignaltojump.Guygestures

menext,andIglanceovermyshoulderatNixon.He’swatchingme,hishandsclaspedtogether,his

fuckinghairinhisface.HegivesmeasmirkasIbracemyhandsonthedoorframeabovemyhead,

needingtogetoutofthisplaceandawayfromthesexualtensionthathe’sputtingoff.Mybody

courseswithadrenaline,waitingtojump,andthesplitsecondIgetthesignal,Ijumpandfliptomy

backsoIamlookingupattheplane.Guykneelsinthedoorwayandwavesatme.Ilookupatthesky,

lovingtowatchmyselffallingawayfromit.GuyjumpsandIflipover,knowingthatI’malready

nearingthepullzone.It’samazinghowfastyoufall.Ittakesmeresecondstocompleteajump.

LookingdownatLuke,hepullshischute,andafewsecondslater,Idothesame.Thepressurewhips

meupward,likeI’mbeingyankedbackbymyhair.

Keepingmylandingtargetinsite,IwatchLukegracefullyplanthisfeetontheground.Coming

inrightbehindhim,IletoutthebreathIwasholdingasIgatherupmyparachuteandwewatchGuy

andNixoncomingdown.

Guyisascalmasever,andNixon…well,he’sscreaminglikeamaniac,andI’mnotsureifit’s

becausehe’sscaredorhe’senjoyinghimself.Guylandsandlooksbehindhimashewalksovertous.

“IsthatNixon?”

“Yup.”

Weallwatchasheinchescloserandclosertotheground.Obviously,he’slovingit,comingin

superfast.Hishotpinkparachutemakesmelaugh;theguyiscrazy,that’sforsure.Youcanseethe

excitementonhisfaceashiseyesarewideopen,andthethreeofusbustuplaughing.

Helandsinonepieceontheground,hiskneesbucklealittlefromtheimpact,andhisnoises

don’tstop.Helooksaroundwildly,searchingthescenerythenscreamsagain,aloud,

“Wooooooooo!”Ashelooksatus,Guyaskshim,“Youlovethat,don’tyou,man?”

“Yeah,bro,Ido.Jumping’sfuckingawesome.”

Thethreeofusexchangeaglanceandforabriefmoment,IgetaglimpseintotheoldNixon.

Intowhoheusedtobe,beforehebecamethisversion.Theversionofamanwho’ssofamiliar,yet

someoneIdon’tknowatall,andithurtsreallybad,becauseIrememberhewassofunandexciting.

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Chapter6

Nixon

“YoucomingwithustoCameron’s?”Guyasksme.

“Nah,man,Idon’tthinkso.Idon’twanttobargeinonyourday.”

“You’renotbargingin.Lukeinvitedyou.”

“Yousure,bro?”

“Yeah,ofcourse.”

“Well,allright,youhaveheraddress?”

“Yo,Cam?”GuyshoutsacrosstheparkinglottoherassheandLukeareexitingthebuilding

together,laughingandwalkingallclose.

“Yeah,what’sup?”

“What’syouraddress?IinvitedNixontothebarbecue.”

SherollshereyesandIreallydon’twanttogonow.“Youknowwhat?I’vegotsomeotherstuff

todo.Youguyshavefun.I’lltextyouifIcanmakeit.”

“Comeon,dude,it’scool,”hesays.

CamandLukewalkuptous,andGuyaddsin,“Nixon,whydon’tyoudriveCameronbackto

herplace?I’vegottagopickupMacey,andLukehastorunbyhisparents’,right,Luke?”

Cameronlooksatthembothshocked.“Areyouguysforreal?”shesnorts.

“What’sthebigdeal?”Guyasks.

“Youknowwhatthebigdealis.”Rightthen,I’mawarethatshe’stoldthemweusedtodate.He

mustbepushingmetodriveher,sowecanworkpastourissues,whichIdon’tthinkisabadidea.I

don’twanttofightwithher.Iwanteverythingtobechill.

“Comeon,letmedriveyou.Iwon’tevenspeak,ifyoudon’twantmeto.”

Shelooksatme,thentheguys,contemplatingwhattodo.Lukegivesherasmile,likehe’s

givingherhispermissiontocomewithme,andIrollmyeyesasshesays,“Notafuckingword.”I

showhermypatentedgrinaswesaygoodbyeandthengetinmytruck.Sittingnexttoher,sheisso

differentthansheusedtobe.She’sfuckingstrong-willedandknowsexactlywhatshewantsandisnot

afraidtosayit.Maybemeleavinghermadeherthatway.AssheputsonherseatbeltIaskher,“Where

doyoulive?”

“Beachside,inJupiter.”

“Really?Metoo,”Itellher,startingmytruck.SheignoresmeandIbackout,headingeast.

Cameronhasherhandsinherlapandislookingoutthewindow.Ican’tseeherface,andit’sfucking

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annoyinghowsheignoresme,likeIdon’texist.Thesilenceinthecarismakingmewantanap.

Turningonthestereo,Ilooktogetanyreactionoutofher,butgetnone,andfinallysaytoher,

“Comeon,youcan’tignoremycharmforever,”hopingtogethertoopenup.Sheturnstowardsme,

tearsinhereyes.AsIgazeoverather,shefinallyspeaks,“Why?Becauseyouwantmeto?”

“No,becausethisisn’tahealthywaytolive.”

“Andyouthinkthewayyou’relivingishealthy?”sheasksme.

“Thisisn’taboutme,”Itellher.

“Butitis,Nixon,it’sallaboutyou.”

“Cam,I’mfine,it’syouI’mworriedabout.”

“Don’tactlikeyoucareaboutme,”shesays,wipinghereyesdry.

“YouknowIcareaboutyou.”

“That’sbullshit,Nixon.Youdon’tcareaboutanyonebutyourself.Doyounotrememberwhat

youdidtome?”

“Ididn’thaveanotherchoice.”

“Youstillbelievethat?”

“Yes,Isentyoualetterandtoldyouwhathappenedtofiveguysinmygraduatingclassthe

weekwegotoutthere.”

“Iknow,IgotitandIwassogratefulthatitwasn’tyouorConnerthatwerekilled,butleaving

mewasjustashard.”IhatethatIhurther;Icanstillseethepaininhereyesnow.“Nowthatyou’re

donewiththeNavyandnothingbadhappenedtoyou,isthatstillwhatyoubelieve?”

“Yeah.”I’mnothonestinmyanswer,butthere’snogoingbacknow.I’mtoofuckedup.Too

muchshithashappenedtomakethisright.She’llneverlookatmethesamewayagainandnothing

caneverchangethat.

“Okay,thisobviouslyisn’tgoingtowork.Youneedtoputinforatransfer.”

“Why?BecauseIleftyou?Ididyouafuckingfavor.Don’tyouseethat?”

“No,Nixon,youbrokemyfuckingheart.Youpromisedmeafutureandthentookitawaylike

youhadthepowertodecideforbothofus.”

“Ineverpromisedyouanything.Itoldyou,Ididn’twantyouwaitingaroundformeortoend

upgoingthroughwhatmymomdid.”

“Listentoyourself!You’vebrainwashedyourselfintoforgettingthepast,intoforgettingwhat

wewere.Doyounotrememberallthethingsweusedtotalkabout?DidyouthinkIwastooweakand

couldn’thandleit?”

“Iknewyoucouldhandleit…butitwasn’tfairformetoaskyouto.Iwasfollowingmyheart,it

waswhatIwasmeanttodo.Butitjustdidn’tworkouthowI’dplanned.”

“Sowhat,areyousayingyouregretitnow?”

“Ihavetoomanyregretsinlife,leavingbeingjustoneofthem.”

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“Mustreallysucktobeyou,then.”

“Youhavenofuckingidea,butwebothknowthatmeleavingwasthebestthingthat’shappened

toyou.”

“Don’tactlikeyoudidmeasolid.”

“Ididandyouknowitdeepdown.”

“Fuckyou,Nixon.Youneedtostopsayingthatandtakesomeaccountabilityforyouractions.”

“Thinkaboutthings.You’vedonereallywellforyourselfwithoutme.Youhaveasweetjoband

solidfriends.You’vechangedalot,Icanseethat,and…”Itrailoff,notreallysurehowtoexpress

whatI’mfeeling.

“Andwhat?”

Andnothing.I’mnotgoingtotellherwhatI’mreallythinkingoracknowledgewhatseeingher

againisdoingtome.It’sforthebest,andonedayshe’llunderstandthat.

She’ssilenttherestofthedrive.Weleavetheconversationasis—unfinished.

“Thisisit,”CameronsaysasIparkonthestreetinfrontofhercondo.Igotogetoutandshe

says,“Ireallywantyoutoputinforatransfer.”

“Okay,okay,I’lltalktoMack.”Shelooksatme,stunnedbymyresponse.Imean,I’llaskhim

aboutotheropportunitiesthenexttimeIseehim,butthatdoesn’tmeanthatI’mgoingtotransfer.

Aswegetoutofmytruck,Ihearthewatercrashingagainsttheshore.She’sthesamewayIam

withherloveoftheocean.

“Youstillsurf?”Iaskher.

“Yeah.”

Followingherupstairs,myeyesareonherass.Ithasn’tchangedonebit;hershortsaresotight

andhugitperfectly.Reachingforit,Igrabahandfulofeachcheekwithbothhandsandsqueezehard

—herbuttwasalwaysmyfavorite.Shewhipsaroundandhitsmyarms.“Whatthefuck,Nix?”

“Sorry,Iliterallycouldn’thelpmyself.”

“Well,don’tletthatshithappenagain.”

SheopensthedoortohercondoanditlookshowIimagined.Thereisaloudchimeringing,

andsherunstoherlaptopandturnsiton.“Conner?”shecallsoutandIlookatthescreenashis

familiarfacecomesintoview.

“Heysis!DidIcatchyouatanokaytime?”

“Always!”ShesitsrightdownandIobservethewayherfacelightsup.Theyarestillascloseas

theywerethedayweleft.Anotherregret,Ilivewith.

Astheytalk,IfindmyselfinchingcloserandclosertoherandthenkneelnexttoherchairasI

lookatConner ’sfacecloselyonthescreen.ItfeelslikeforeversinceI’veseenhimandI’veonly

beengonesevenmonths.“Nixon?”hequizzicallyasks.

“What’sup,bro?”

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“Holyshit,howareyou?”

“I’mgood,brother.Lovingbeinghome.”

“WhatareyoudoingwithCam?Youguysaren’tbacktogether,areyou?”heasks,confused.

“Noway!”sheblurtsout,andItellhim,“It’salongstory.I’mintheCoastGuardnowand

somehowgotstationedwithher.”

Henodsandlooksbetweenthetwoofus.“God,it’ssogoodtoseeyouguystogether.”

“Wearen’ttogether,”Cameronreiterates.

“Comeon,youknowwhatImean;it’sgoodtoseebothmyfavoritepeopleatonce.”Thethree

ofusgetlostinawhirlwindofconversation,fromflashbackstothegoodolddays,tohowthingsare

currently.Talkingwiththebothofthemmakesmebrieflyforgetaboutthepain,aboutallthebadshit

IdidandsawwhenIwasaSEAL.Timepassesquicklyandthensuddenlythefeedgoesoutandthe

screenturnsblack.Cameronfranticallymovesherfingeroverthemousebackandforth.Thenchecks

thepowercord.

“Conner,canyoustillhearus?”

Hedoesn’trespond.“Shit,wemust’velosthim,”Itellher.

“Yeah,Iguessso,”shesaysdismally,sittingtherestaringatthescreen,saddenedthathe’sgone.

Seeingthedisappointmentonhersendsatwingeofremorsethroughme.Ishouldn’thavelethimgo.

Ishould’vemadehimstaytoprotecther.Instead,beingselfish,thinkingIneededafriendtogetme

throughtheNavy,Itookhimwithme.IwassoyoungandthatwasjustoneofthemanymistakesI

made.Oneonthelistofmany.Allforwhat?HurtingthoseclosesttomeandnotevenbeingaSEALat

theendofitall?

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Chapter7

Cameron

BlinkingawaythetearssoNixondoesn’tseemecry,I’mgratefulwhenthereisaknockonmydoor.

Gettingupandoutofthesecloseconfines,hisarmtouchingmybackashehasitrestingonmychair,

Iheadtothefoyer.

I’mgladtoseenotonlytheguys,butMaceytoo.Icandefinitelyuseheradvicerightaboutnow.

LukeandGuycarryinanarsenaloffoodandliquorasMaceyandIexchangeahug.“What’s

thematter?”sheasksme,knowingrightawaythatsomethingisup.

“Nothing.I’mgood.”

“Yousure?”

“Yeah,IwasjusttalkingtoConnerandlosttheconnection.”

“I’msorry,babe,”shesaysandpullsmeintoatightembrace.“Guytoldmeaboutyourex.So

that’shim?”

“Yup,”Itellherrightassheisintroducedtohim.Turningawayfromthem,Ibeginstocking

everythinginthefridge,andLukebrushesupagainstme.Peekinginthefridge,“Didyoumakemea

cake?”heasksandIpushhimaway,laughingashealmostfallsbackwards.Nixon’seyesareonus

andLukecracksustwobeers.“Waseverythingcoolwithhim?”heasksmeasweeachtakeasip.

“Yeah,”Itellhim,lookingintohisbrowneyes.Hepullsmeintoahug,andIrealizethe

closenesswithLukedoesnothingtomecomparedtothewaytheclosenesswithNixonalways

broughtmyinsidesalive.“Thanksforhavingthishere,”hesaysandtakestwomorebeersoverto

GuyandNixon.Themenallsettleoutonmypatio,andMaceyandIprepthefoodtocook.

“So,whatareyoufeelingaboutworkingwithyourex?”

“Hah!”Ilaughoutfartooloudly.“Uhh,it’sthemostawkwardthingever.ItoldhimIwanthim

toputinforatransfer,sohopefullyIdon’thavetodealwithhimthatmuchlonger.”

Maceysmilesatme,obviouslylostforwordsandtakestheplateofmeatoutsideforGuytoput

onthegrill.IwashmyhandsandasIlookup,Nixoniswatchingme.Hegrinsandcomesin,

finishinghisbeerashewalks,hislipswrappedsotightlyaroundtheendofthebottle.Reaching

aroundme,hethrowsitawayinthetrashcan.Itensefromhimtouchingmeagain.He’sclosetome,

mybodybackedupagainstthecountertop.Itrynottolookathim,orsmellhimforthatmatter,ashe

opensafewcabinetsandpeeksinside,snoopingaround.Pullingmyselfoutofmycloudeddaydream,

Itellhim,“Sure,justmakeyourselfrightathome.”Hesmirksatmeandgrabsanotherbeerfromthe

fridge.Whenheclosesthedoorandgoestorespondtome,thepictureofhim,Conner,andIcatches

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hiseye.Hetakesitoffthefridge,studyingit,andthenlooksatmychestbeforeasking,“Didyouget

titimplants?”

“OhmyGod,Nixon,whatkindofquestionisthat!?”

“Wouldyoucalmdown?It’salegitimatequestion.”

“Whatisitwithyouandmybodytoday?”

“Nothing,it’syou…youlookgood…reallygood,that’sall.”

“Well,thanks.‘Causeyoulooklikeshit!Youshouldreallyhitthegym,”Itellhimandbreeze

pasthimwithatrayofappetizersthatItakeoutside.HefollowsbehindmeandIsitinhischairbefore

hecan,buthe’snotfazedashesitsonthearm.

“Forreal?”

“What?Thisismychair.”

“No,it’snot.It’smine.”

“Okay,youtwo,”Guychimesin,“Couldyoutryandnotfight?”

“Hey…atleasttheyaretalking,”MaceyaddsandInoticeLukelookingdown,peelingthelabel

fromhisbeer.

“Yeah,wearetalking.SoNixon,didyoutellthemthatyouareputtinginforatransfer?”

“What?Why?Youjuststarted,man,”GuyasksandLukelooksatme.Igivehimawink.Clearly

he’snotthebiggestfanofNixon,andIcan’tblamehim—I’mnoteither.

“Ididn’tsayIwasgoingtoputinforatransfer,IsaidI’dtalktoMackthenexttimeIsawhim.

Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mtransferring.”

“Seriously,that’showyou’regoingtoplaythis?Youtoldmealittlewhileagothatyouwould

transfer.”

“No,youheardwhatyouwantedto.Myexactwordswere,‘I’lltalktoMack.’”

“Whyareyoudoingthis?”

“I’mnotdoinganything.You’retheonewho’sgottheissueswithmebecauseIdidyoua

favor.”

***

ThetablekeepsgettingblurrierasIholdthetinywhitepingpongballinmyhand.I’mnotsure

ifI’llbeabletomakeitintooneofthecupsornot,butasIbounceitonthewoodanditgoesin

again,IfindsatisfactionknowingthatNixonisgoingtohavetodrinkanothercupofbeerbecauseof

me.Thefinalroundisdowntothetwoofus.HenowhasthreecupsleftinfrontofhimandIhavesix.

MaceyissleepingonGuy’schestonmycouch,andLukeisreheatinghimselfsomethingtoeatinthe

kitchen.It’samazingwhatthepowerofalcoholdoestomakeyoubeabletotoleratetimewith

someoneyouloathe.

“Youknowyoucangiveupnow,”Iteasehim.

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“No,fuckthat.Yougiveup.”

“Noway!”

Wecontinuetoshootbackandforth,bothofusrelentless,neitherofusbackingdown,andhe

hitsafewofmycups,whileIonlymakeitinonemoreofhis.Lukecomesovertomewithaplateof

foodthatIeyeball,andhestickssomethingfromitinmymouth.LookingoveratNixonasItakeit

fromhisfingers,Icantellhetenses.

OhmyGod,he’sfuckingjealous.

Ismile,chewing,andheshootshisball,missingmycups.“Givemeanotherbite?”IaskLuke

andhesticksachipcoveredindipintomymouth,andasIchewit,IlookNixonintheeye,surprised

toseehimtensethewayhedoeseachtimeLukefeedsme.Ishootmyball,landingitrightinhiscup.

“Youfucker,”hesneersatmeandIwinkathimasLukecontinuestosharehisfood.

“Letmetrysomeofthat,”Itellhim,notevensurewhyI’mtryingtomakeNixonjealous—

maybesoIcanhurthim,likehe’sdonetome.Heshovesmorefoodinmydirection.Clearlyweare

alldrunk,andIheartheballhitthetablethenbounceandhitthefloor.Ilookatitrollawayandask

him,“Yousureyoudon’twanttoquit?”

Heshakeshishead,keepinghiseyeslockedonmine,andIaimforhislastcupfocusinghard

onit,butImiss.

“Hey,Luke,couldyougrabmeanotherbeer,bro?”Nixonaskshim,andhenods,walkingoff.I

glancebackashetosseshisplateinthetrash,thenrealizeNixononlywantedLukeawayfromme.

He’sgotbeerrightinfrontofhimtodrink;hedoesn’tneedmore.

“YouwannaforfeitbeforeIshootthis?”Iaskagain,givinghimonelastchance.

“What’sinitforme?”

“Nothing!”

“ThenIdon’twannaforfeitshit.”Heleansover,bracinghisweightonthetable,hisforearms

flexingashisbodyhoversoverthecups.Hehassuchanamazingbody,andmymindflashesbackto

himnakedandhiscock.Lukewalksuptohim,handinghimabeerasIstruggletogetmyhead

straight.HetakesthebeerrightasIthrowtheball,unfortunatelymissing.

Withagrinfromeartoear,Nixonunleashesabunchofluckyshotsonmyremainingcups.My

throatburnsfromallthebeer,andIlookoverathimspeechless.Lukegiveshimahighfive,likehe’s

onhisside,andIflipthemoff.Whendidthesetwobecomeallbuddy-buddy?Maceywakesfromthe

soundofthetwoguys’handsslappingtogetherandasks,“Whattimeisit?”

Ilookattheclock,squintingmyeyes,butitdoesn’thelp.Ican’treadit.“It’sonethirty,”Nixon

tellsherandMaceyasksLuke,“Areyoureadytogetgoing,birthdayboy?”

“Sure,”hesays,lookingatme.Icanseehedoesn’twanttogo;hewantstostay.ButI’minno

shapeforentertaining—I’mtoodrunk—andwithNixonbeingback,thefeelingsIwashavingfor

Luke…arefadingaway.Thisisallsoconfusing.IshouldaskLuketostay,it’shisbirthdayafterall.

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MymindistellingmetogowithLuke,togivehimachanceandseewherethingswouldgo.He

wouldn’thurtme,thatmuchIknow.Heistherightchoice,thesafechoice.Butmyheartispullingme

intheotherdirection.EvenifIgetdraggedthroughthedepthsofhell,it’stellingmeit’llallbeworth

itintheend.That’showstrongthebondthatNixonandIsharedwas.

Lukehugsmeforfartoolong,andasIholdhimback,waitingforthespark,thatattraction,it

doesn’tcomeandIcanseethedisappointmentinhiseye.ThethreeofthemleaveandIfigureNixon

willdothesame,buthedoesn’t.He’sstaringatmeasheshutsmydoorthenasksme,“Sowhat,you

likehim?”

“Who?”Iquestionhim,stallingknowinghemeansLuke,butnotsureifIshouldtellhimornot.

“Luke.Youlikehim,orwhat?He’sclearlyintoyou.Icanseehewantstofuckyourtightpussy.”

“OhmyGod!”Iyellathim,mywordsslurredfromsomuchalcohol.Buthiswordshaveme

clenchingmythighs.AsmuchasIdon’twanttoadmitit…theydo.IshouldtotallytellhimthatLuke

andIfucked…itwouldhurthim.But,itwon’thelpanything,andthat’snotthekindofpersonIam.No

matterhowbadNixonhurtme,Iwon’tstooptohislevel.“Noway,he’smyfriend,endofstory.”

“Then,whatamI?”heasks,steppingalittletoocloseformycomfort.Myfaceflushes,the

controlheusedtohaveovermeistryingtoscratchitswaytothesurface.

“You’retheassholewhobrokemyheart.”

“That’sit?That’sallIam?”

“Nixon,Icanthinkofalotofotherwordstocallyou,butI’mexhausted.”

AllofasuddenheswoopsmeoffmyfeetandIgawkathim,wantingtofighthimtoputme

down,buthishandsonmefeelsogood,justthewaytheyusedtoandIfuckin’missit.Mybodyis

cradledagainsthishardchest.Jesus,hegotbig.“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Iaskwhilehecarries

meintomybedroom.

“I’mtakingyoutobed.”

“No!Letmedown.”

“Wouldyoushutthefuckupandstopbeingsuchanagforonce?I’mnotgoingtodoshitto

you.”

Ididn’texpecthimtorespondlikethat.WhatamIsupposedtosaybacktohim?Asmybody

swaysfromthemotions,hetenderlylaysmeontopofmybed.

Takingaseatontheedgenexttome,helooksdownatme.Hisblueeyesglimmeringinthelow

lightofmyroom.MyeyesareheavyasdeepblinkstakeoverandIquicklylosefocusonhim.ButI

canstillfeelhishandasherunshisfingersthroughmyhair,thesamewayheusedto.Itwasmy

favorite.IholdontothefeelingandcognizanceforaslongasIcan,relishinginhistouchagain.But

mybodydriftsofftosleep,andasIslipfromtheawarenessofrealityhesayssomething…

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Chapter8

Nixon

“Ohfuck!”someonemumblesnexttomeandIwrackmybraintorecallwhathappenedlastnight.

What’shername,what’shername?Fuck,Ireallyneedtogetbetterwithnames.MaybeIshouldwrite

themonmyarmorsomething.

Thenoutofnowhere,I’mbeingpushedoutofthebedandopenmyeyestoseeaveryangry

Cameronlookingatme.“Getout!”sheyellsandIgrabbothofherwristsstoppinghercrazyoutburst.

She’sstrongashellasshefightsagainstme,butI’mstronger.“What’syourproblem,girl?”I

questionher,holdingherinmygrip.

“You!Youare!Whyareyouhere,inmybed?”

Herchestismovingupanddown,herlargetitslivelyasshe’sfightingmetolethergoandI

findmyselfstaringatthem.“Yousureyoudidn’tgetaboobjob?”

Mycommentpissesheroffevenmore,andshestartstobuckandfightwildlyformetorelease

her.“Letmego!”shescreams.

“No!Answerthequestion.”

“Ihateyou,Nixon!”

“Oh,hate’sastrongword,baby.”

Wewrestlebackandforth,allwhileIhaveaconstantgrinonmyface.Jesus,Ilovegettinga

riseoutofherandplayingwithherlikethis.ThenbeforeIknowit,she’sonherbackandI’m

straddlingherbody.Bothofusarestillclothedfromthedaybefore,butbeingthisclosetoheragain,

likethis,hasmydickthrobbing.ThenshestartstobuckunderneathmeandIaskher,“IfIletyour

handsgo,willyoustop?”

“Ifyougetoutofmybed.”

“Why?Wealreadyfuckedlastnight!”Itellher,messingwithher,andshefreezes,herface

turningwhitelikeshe’sseenaghost.

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Youdon’tremember?”

“Nixon,whywouldyoutakeadvantageofmelikethat?”She’smortifiedandItellher,“You

tookadvantageofme.Iwasasleepandyoufuckedmesogoodwiththatsweetpussyofyours.God,I

missedit.”

Shelookslikeshe’sabouttocryandIstopmessingaround.“Wouldyoulightenup?Nothing

happenedlastnight.Webothpassedout.That’sit.”

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Lettinggoofher,shepushesmeaside,thenscramblesoffthebed.“I’mgoingtoshower.Bythe

timeIgetout,Iwantyougone.”

Stillsittingonherbed,Iwatchherwalkoff,herroundassjigglingwitheachstep.

Shedoesn’tlookatmeassheslamsthedoor,andIliebackonherbed,notwantingtoleave.

Thetruthis,Idon’tlikedoinganythingshetellsmeto.

Myphonevibratesinmypocket,andIlooktoseemymomcalling.

“Hey,Ma.”

“Ihopeyoudidn’tforgetaboutyourgrandma’sbirthday.”

“OfcourseIdidn’t.I’mgoingtogetheragifttoday.”

“Good,andyou’restillcomingtotheparty?”

“Yeah,I’llbethere.”

“Okay,baby,it’ssogoodtohaveyoubackhome.Iloveyou,Nixon.”

“Loveyoutoo,Ma.”

WehangupandIgetoffCameron’sbedtoleave,butasIwalktowardsthebedroomdoor,Isee

anotherpictureofher,Conner,andI.Itwastakenthesummerbeforeweleft.She’sgotthebiggest

smileonherfaceasmyarmsarewrappedtightlyaroundherbodyandmychinisrestingonthetop

ofherhead.

Liftingitup,soIcangetabetterlook,thatdaycomesfloodingbackintomymind,likeitwas

yesterday.Wedidn’thaveafuckingstressintheworld.Itwasalwaysthethreeofushavingfun.We

wereatmyaunt’shousewhenthiswastaken,remindingmehowmuchmyfamilylovedboth

CameronandConner.

Gettingawildidea,IfollowmygutknowingI’vegotnothingtoloseandwalkintoher

bathroom.

Shepeersoutfrombehindtheshowercurtain,andIwinkasIpullmydickoutandlifthertoilet

seatdrainingtherestoflastnight’sbeer.Hereyesstayonmydickforafewsecondsbeforeshe

tossesthecurtainclosed.Iteaseher,“Youlikewhatyousee?”ThenIgrabhertoothbrushand

toothpaste.Shepeeksoutagain;Icatchherinthereflectionofthemirror.“OhmyGod,you’vegotto

bekiddingme.”

“What?”IaskasIbegintobrushmyteeth.

“Youjustmakeyourselfathome,don’tyou?”

“Isthataproblem?”Irespondthroughamouthfulofsuds.

“Whyareyoustillhere?”

Ishrugmyshoulders,wantingtoinvitehertocomewithmetogetmygrandmaagifttoday,but

thesuddenfearofrejectionstopsmefromaskingher.Whichisn’tlikeme.

Leaningbackagainstthesink,Ilookinherdirection,wonderingwhatthingswouldbelikehad

Inotleftyearsago.Wouldwestillbetogetherorwouldwehavegoneourseparateways?WouldIbe

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thesameasIwasbackthen,orstillendedupfuckedup,likeIamnow?

Theshowerturnsoffandsheasks,“Wouldyouhandmeatowel?”Stillbrushingmyteeth,I

grabheratowelandplaceitinheroutstretchedhandthatisstickingoutfrombehindthecurtain.

Notabletohelpmyself,Ipeerinather.She’ssogorgeous,fuckingbeautifulasever.Ifinish

brushingmyteethrightasshegetsout.SheleavesthebathroomasifIhavetheplagueandheads

straightintohercloset.Igointothekitchenandstartapotofcoffee,knowingshecan’thideinthere

forever.

AsIwaitforhertocomeout,Ispotherphoneandcan’thelpmyselffromlookingatit.There

areafewmissedtextmessagefromLuke,Guy,Macey,andSeth.I’mtemptedtogointothem,but

knowIhavenorightto.SoIinsteadprogrammynumberincasesheeverneedsme…orgetslonely.

ThecoffeefinishesandIpouruseachacup.Whenshefinallyappears,Itellher,“Imadecoffee.”

“Jesus,whyareyoustillhere?”

“Ihaveaquestionforyou.”

Sherollshereyes,takingasipofthecoffeeandthenbeginstocleanupfromthenightbefore.

“I’dreallyratheryouleave.”

“Wouldyou?”Iaskher.

“Yes.”

“Comeon,Cam,we’regoingtobeworkingtogethereveryday.You’vegottaforgiveme.”

Shewhipsaround,herwethairflying.“No,wearenotgoingtobeworkingtogether.Yousaid

you’dputinforatransfer.”

“I’mnotgonnadothat.”

“Whythefucknot?”shescoffsatme.

“WhyshouldI?Becauseweusedtofuckandyoucan’tgetoverthefactthatIbrokeupwith

you?”

“Isthatreallyallyouthoughtofus,thatwefucked?Doyounotrememberwhatwewere?”

I’vedonemybesttoburyallmymemoriesofCameronandwhatwewere,tomoveoninlife,

toeasemyownpainandregret,soeverythingthatwewereisreallyablur.Everynowandthenwhen

IdigdeeporseeapicturelikeIhavebeingatherhouse,Igetbitsandpiecesback.“Cam—”

“Don’t!Wouldyoustopfuckingcallingmethat?”

“Why?Theseguysyouworkwithcandowhatevertheywant.Theycanflirtwithyouandfeed

youandcallyou‘Cam,’butyoucan’tevenhaveaconversationwithme?”

Shestopscleaningandwalksuptome,standingonlyafewinchesfrommyface.Hereyesare

glassy…she’stired.“Youwannafuckin’talk,thentalk,”sheyells.

Iswallow,herscentinvadingme,makingithardtofocus.Itbringsbacksomanymemoriesthat

I’veworkedsohardtoforget.Ibreatheherinagain,gettinglostinmyownheadasIclosemyeyes,

andshesays,“Yeah,that’swhatIthought.”

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Grabbingthebackofherhead,Ipullherlipstomine,moldingmymouthoverhers,

controllingherthewayshelikes.Shestaysstillforamoment,butthenfightsbackandpushesme

away.

Stormingpastme,sheyanksopenherdoorandsays,“Leave!Now!”AsmuchasIdon’twant

to,she’sgotthesamelookinhereyeasshedidwhenIlefthertojointheNavy—hurt,anger,

betrayal.Goingforward,nomatterwhatIdo,thatishowshe’sgoingtoalwayslookatme.

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Chapter9

Cameron

OneofthebestthingsIloveaboutmylifeismyjob.Well…thatwasbeforeNixonbecamemynew

crewmate.AsIfinishstockingtheinventoryofmedicalsuppliesfortheday,I’mgratefulthatthisis

ourlastshiftoftheweek,especiallybecauseallI’veheardthepastfourdaysisNixonbeingall

friendlywithGuy.

“Here,”Lukesayswalkingupandhandingmeacoffee.“Itriedtocallyoulastnight.”

“Icrashedearly.I’vebeenexhaustedlately.”

“Wereyoualone?”heasksme.

“Yeah,why?”

“Noreason.”GuyandNixonwalkuptousandNixonasks,“Where’sourcoffee?”

“Itextedhimandaskedhimtobringitforme.”

“Andyoudidn’taskus?”Guystates.

“That’slame.Comeon,Guy,I’llmakeyaacup,”Nixontellshimandtheywalkofflaughing.

It’slikethetwoofthemhaveworkedtogetherforyears.

LukegoestochangeandmyattentionisdrawntoNixon,mymindgivingmeaflashbacktohis

lipsonmineashegrabbedmeandkissedmeandthenhowIangrilypushedhimaway.

God,IwishSethhadn’tleft.

Thingswouldbesomucheasieriftheywentbacktohowtheywereafewweeksago.Evenif

Nixonwereworkingherebutwasonanothercrew,itwouldbebetter.ButI’mnotabouttogoto

Mackandcomplain‘causeallthatwilldoisgetmyassyelledat.Hewon’tmoveNixon;hismottois,

yougotaproblem,workthroughitasateam.

AsGuyandLukegetpositionedinthecockpit,NixonandItakeourseatsintheback.Ireally

hopetodaygoesbyfast‘causeIneedtounwindtonightandtodoitawayfromNixon.Uponliftoff,

wegetacallovertheradioofaninjuredpersononavesselsevenmilesout.Luketalkswiththe

dispatcherandconfirmsthatwe’lltakethecall.

Ilistenovertheradiotothedetailsofwhatweareabouttogointo.“Male,agefifty-three,right

legimpaledbyaswordfish.”

Jesus,thishappensallthetime.

Guypushesthechoppertothemaxandsays,“Tminusthreeminutesuntilarrival.”

“Youwantmetogodown?”Nixonasksme.

“No,why?”Iquestionhimback.DoeshethinkIcan’tdomyjob?

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“‘Causeyou’llhavetosawthebilloffthefishbeforebringingthepatientup.”

“I’vedoneitbefore.Thiswillbemy—”

“She’sgotthisshit,”Lukecutsmeoffandit’sthetruth.Wegetthesecallsallthetime,beingas

closeaswearetotheGulfstream.Alotofamateurfishermenheadoutanddon’trealizethepower

anddangerthesefishpossess.

“Tminusoneminute,”GuyrespondsandIunstrap.Nixondoesthesame,helpingmewithmy

harness,andIlooktotheside,notpayingattentiontohishandsonmywaist,asItrypushingdown

myheartrate.

Uponarrivingonthescene,thereisatonofbloodallovertheboat.Openingourtoolbag,I

removethejigsawandpopafreshbatteryonit.Nixontakesitfrommeandplacesitinthebasket,and

thenIbeginmydescent.

LookingdownasNixonlowersme,thereisacrewondeckthatgreetsme.NormallyI’dbe

filledwithadrenalineandexcitementtosavesomeone’slife.Buttoday…I’mjustblah.Oncemyfeet

arefirmlyplantedontheirboat,IremovethedroplinesoNixoncansendthebasketdowntome.I

signaltotellhimthatIamclearandthenaskthemenonboard,“Howlongagodidthishappen?”

“Aboutthirtyminutes,”someonesays.Imovetothemanthatisattachedtotheatleasttwo

hundred-poundfish.

“Wecan’tgetitoutofhisleg,”someonesaystome.

“Youdon’twantto,”Itellthem.“He’llbleedtodeath.”

Ispotthebasketcomingdown.“Youokay?”Iasktheinjuredman.HenodsandIgrabthe

jigsaw.OnceIhaveit,IgiveNixonthego-aheadandrunbacktotheman.“I’mgoingtosawthebill

offthefish.Ineedyoutostaystill,okay?”

Rapidlyhenods,hisfacesweaty,andasIplacethebladetothefish,heturnswhite.“Staywith

me,”Itellhimandbegin.“We’llhaveyouatthehospitalbeforeyouknowit.”

Imakequickworkofthejob,andasIfinishIlookupathim.He’sstillawake.ThankGod.One

ofhiscrewhelpsmegethimintothebasket,andNixontakeshimupintothehelicopter.ThenI’m

broughtupandwetaketheman,who’ssurprisinglycalm,togetthemedicalattentionheneeds.

Duringtheflight,NixonandIworkonhimtogether.HeisthefirstrealpatientthatNixonandI

havehadandweareinagoodrhythm.Nodramaorbullshitfromthepast,justthetaskathand.We’ve

beenoutonmanycallsandtestrunssinceNixonjoined,butneverhadtobringanyoneup,untiltoday.

AsGuylandsontheroofofthehospital,weareimmediatelygreetedbystaffwhotakethe

patientaway.Nixongivesmeasidehugandsays,“Goodjob,Cam.”

Idon’thughimback.Ican’tletmyselfdiveintothesefeelingsthathebringsoutofme.He’ll

justhurtmeagainandIknowit.

Gettingbackintothehelicopter,wefinishoutthedaythesamewaywehavebeen.Them

yakkingitupandme…I’msilent.

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“YouguyswannagototheTacoShacktonight?”Lukeasks,asthefourofuswalkoutofwork.

“Hellyeah!”Guyresponds.“Icoulduseagoodmargarita.”

“I’mgonnapass.Youguysgo.”

“What?”theylookatme.Ihaven’tmissedanightoutsincewestartedworkingtogether.Butthe

truthis,Ican’tbearoundNixonanymore.I’mexhaustedandneedsometimeapart.“Why?”

“I’mtired,that’sall.”

“No,fuckthat,you’recomingout,”Lukeordersme.

NixonisstudyingmeandIgazeupathim,hopinghe’llcatchmydrift,‘causeGuyandLuke

aren’tgoingtoletmebail“Youin,man?”Guyaskshim.

“Ican’t,”hesays,“I’vegotsomeladyplanstonight,guys.”

Theyaccepthisrejectionandthethreeofusleavetogether,whileNixongoesGodonlyknows

where.

***

“We’lltakeanotherround,”Lukesaystothebartender.Guybailedonushoursago,soit’sjust

himandme.

“SoyouthinkyouandNixonwillevergetpasttheshitheputyouthrough?”Lukeasksme.

“Idon’tknow,it’snotevenaboutthepastanymore.He’snotthesameguyashewaswhenhe

left.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Itdoesn’tmatter,Luke.”

Herollshiseyesatmeandsays,“Comeon.Behonest,didyoureallyseeyourselfbeingwitha

guylikehimlong-term?”

Ireallydid,butI’mnotsurehowtotellLukethat.“Hewasdifferentbackthen.Youdon’tknow

theNixonheusedtobe.”

“He’dhavetobelikeaone-eightydifferent,‘causethisguyissomethingelse.Imean,who

walksintoaskydivingplace,late,coveredinhickeys,withtheirownchuteon,shirtless?”

“Nixon!”WebothlaughandthenLukesays,“SeewhatImean?Normalpeopledon’tdothat.”

“Iknow,that’swhyI’msayingheusedtobesodifferent.”

“Different,how?”

“Heputmeatthecenterofhisworld.Iwashiseverything.Thenoneday,Iwasn’t.Losinghim

wasthehardestthingI’deverbeenthrough.”I’mhonestwithLuke,becauseIwanthimtoknowthe

truth.

“Whydoyoureallythinkhedidit?”

“Idon’tknow.Hesaysitwastoprotectme,butitkilledme.Howisthatprotectingsomeone?

Now,I’mmiserablebeingaroundhim;thepainisstilltherefromwhathedid.Hegetsintomyhead.

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TypicallysavingsomeonethewayIdidtodaywouldhavebeenanadrenalinerushandmademefeel

fulfilled.ButitwaslikeIwasgoingthroughthemotions,thewayIwastrained,butIwasn’thappy.

Whenwefly,Isitbackandtryanddrownhimout.”

“Cam,didyoueverthinkthatmaybewhathedidwastherightthing?Imean,let’sbehonest,

he’snotgoodenoughforyou.”

IsmileatLuke’scomment;he’ssosweet.“No,Ineverthoughtofitlikethat.”AndIdidn’t,Iwas

toobrokenuptoeverseeanygoodinhimandConnerleaving.MaybeIshould’ve.Theylefttofight

forourcountry,ourfreedom,andriskedtheirlivesdoingit.

Lukecupsmyface,andIblinkafewtimes,caughtoffguardbyhispublicdisplayofaffection.

“Well,Ithinkyoushould.Hedoesn’tdeserveyou.Hedidn’tthenandhesureashelldoesn’tnow.”

Takinghishandinmine,thefeelingsIoncehadaren’tthereanymoreandIdon’twantLuketogetthe

wrongidea.Icantellbythewayhe’sspeakingthereismoretowhathe’ssayingthanhe’slettingon.

“Cam,I’mnotsureifyou’refeelingwhatIam,orifyouneedsomemoretime.Butsincewe

hookedup,you’reallIcanthinkabout.IknowI’mnoNixonAndrews,butIpromiseyouthis,I’ll

never,ever,hurtyou.I’lldoeverythinginmypowertomakeyouhappy…ifyou’llletme.”

Inod,hearinghiswordsandasItrytoprocessthem,theentireroomaroundmespins.Maybe

I’mhearingthingsandhe’snotevenspeaking.Itcouldbethealcohol.

“Luke…that’ssweetofyou,”Ibarelychokeout.

“Well,it’sthetruth,ashonestasI’veeverbeenwithyou,Cam.I…I…”Thewayhe’slookingat

meismakingmenervousandIscurryupoffmyseat.“Canyouholdthatthoughtrealquick?”he

nodsandweseparatehandsthenIstumbleoff.

Needingfreshair,I…I…what?Hewasn’tabouttotellmehelovedme,washe?Leavingthebar,

IwalkoutintothehotandhumidFloridanight.Thereisacabparkedinfrontofme,andIjustget

inside,noteventhinkingaboutwhatleavingisgoingtodotoLuke.ButifIdon’tgo,I’mnotsure

what’llhappen,andIdon’twanttohurthim,Iknowhowitfeels.Rejectionistheworstthingyoucan

dotoanotherperson,andLukeisoneofmybestfriends.Ican’tdothattohim…

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Chapter10

Nixon

Standingatherdoor,mydamnpalmsaresweaty.Iraisemyhandtoknock,butstop.Whatthefuckam

Ithinking?WhatamIevendoinghere?

Turningmyback,Iheaddownstairsandoutofherbuilding.Ilethergoforareason;Ineedto

stickwiththatdecision.She’llneverlookatmethesamewaysheusedto,we’llneverhavewhatwe

hadagain…thatseemsobvious.

Hoppinginmytrucktoleave,Ipulloutmycellphoneandtextthelastchickthatmessagedme.I

don’tevencarewhosheis,Ijustneedagoodfuckingtonight.AsIhitsend,Istickthekeyinthe

ignitionandataxipullsupinfrontofme.ThereardooropensandoutstumblesCameron.She’s

blitzedoutofhermindasshetripsonthecurb,fallingtoherhandsandknees.Thetaxidrivesoff,

leavingher,andIshakemyhead,pissedatherforgettingthisdrunk.

Whatthefuckisshethinking?

Thelastthingshe’llwanttoseeisme,butshecan’tevenopenthedoortoherbuilding.Getting

outangry,Ihelpherstand.ShelooksupatmeandforthefirsttimesinceI’vebeenback,shesmilesat

me,softeningmyheart,asightI’vefuckingmissed.

“Nixon,”sheslurs,herbreathmixedwithtequilaandmint.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

Iignoreherquestionandhelpherinside.Sheclingstome,herheadhanginglow,andshekeeps

trippingonthesteps.“Howmuchdidyouhavetodrink?”Iaskher.

“Whocares?”

“Givemeyourkeys,”Idemand,andwhenshedoes,Iliftherupandtossherovermyshoulder.

Shelaughsforamomentandthensilences,swayingwiththemotionsasIcarryherintoher

apartment.Tossingherdownonherbed,herlongmessyhairfansoutaroundher.

God,she’ssohot.

“DidGuyandLukeletyougetthisdrunk?”Iaskher.

“Idon’tneedanybodytoletmedoshit.”Sherollstohersideandpatsthebednexttoher,butI

declineshakingmyhead.IfIsit,Imightendupfuckingher—righthere,rightnow.AndIcan’ttake

advantageofherlikethat.We’dbothhateourselvestomorrowifanythinghappened,especiallywith

howdrunksheis.“Stopbeingsuchapussyandsitdown.”AgainstmybetterjudgmentIlistentoher.

“Ishouldfuckhimupforlettingyoudrinksomuch.”

“Youdothat,MisterToughGuy.”

“Iwill.WasGuytherewithyou?”

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“Heleftearlylikeapussy.ItwasjustLukeandme.Youknow…Ifuckedhimawhileagoand

nowhelikesme.”

“Whatthefuck?When?”Igrindmyteethhearingthatshesleptwithhim.Itmakesmewantto

smashhisfacein.

“Rightbeforeyoucameback.”Hereyesareheavyasshe’stalkingtomethroughlongblinks.

“Doyoulikehim?”Iaskher,dreadingherresponse.

“IthoughtIdid…untilyoucamebackandfuckedeverythingup.”Sheglancesupatme,

yawningthroughhertiredeyes.“Whyareyouhere?”

Ishrugmyshoulders,notcompletelysuremyself.Shescootsalittleclosertome,herfacenow

restingonmythigh,andItouchhercheek.Closingmyeyes,herwarmskinbeneathmycoolfingers

feelssofuckin’good.

Sheasksme,“Didyoumissme,whenyouweregone?”

“Everyday,”Iwhisper,andforthefirsttime,ItrulyacknowledgetheregretIhaveabout

leavingher.ItwasthehardestthingI’deverdoneandtheworstdecisionI’veevermade.Quickly,she

driftsofftosleep,herlipsslightlyparted,drawingmetothem.Mycockthrobs,wantingherinevery

wayimaginable.

Leaningdown,Ibreatheherin,takingmyhandfromhercheekandrunningaknuckleoverher

lips.ShemumblessomethingtomethatIcan’tmakeout,andthenIkissher.Shedoesn’tkissme

back,andIknowIhavetostop.WhatamIthinking?No,whatamIevendoinghere?

Ihadmychancewithherandruinedit.Intheprocess,Ifuckedmyselfup.She’dbehappywitha

guylikeLuke.Shemightnotseeitnow,butshewouldbe.Lookingatherforthelasttime,Igetoff

herbedandheadtothefrontdoor.Iwalkout,andrightasIgotoshutit,Ihearhercomputerring.

KnowingthatithastobeConner,Istandtherecontemplatingwhattodo.Mypulltothatlifestillso

strongthatIgobackintoanswerit.

“Hey,man,”Itellhim,lovingtoseehisface.

“What’sup,brother?”heasksme,clearlysurprised.

“Notmuch,you?”

“Nothing,sameoldshithere,youknowhowitis.WhatareyoudoingatCameron’ssolate?”

“It’salongstory.Yousafe,everyonegood?”

“Yeah…yeah,we’regood.So,youtwobacktogether,orwhat?”

“Nah,farfromit.Youknowshe’llneverforgiveme.”

“Butyouwantherto,right?That’swhyyou’rethere,isn’tit?”

“Idon’tthinkso.Sheseemshappierwithoutme,bro,andyouknowhowfuckedupIam.”

“Yougottaletalltheshityouwentthroughherego,brother.”

“Ihearya.”

“Imeanit.Camneedsyou.WhenItalkedtoyouboththeothernight,it’sthehappiestI’veseen

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herinyears.”

“Shedoesn’tactlikeImakeherhappy.”

“Giveitsometime,man,butdon’tgiveuponher.That’swhatshe’sexpectingyoutodo.You

crushedherwhenyouleft,andsodidI.Butyou’retherenow,andyoucanmakeitright.Pleasedon’t

letherdownagain.”

“Shedeservessomeonebetterthanme,Con!”

“Fine,thenleavenow.ButstopfuckingplayingthesegameswithherorIsweartoGod,I’ll—”

Icuthimoff.“Allright,Igotyou.”

“Good.Sheup?CanItalktoher?”

“Icanwakeherifyouwant.”

“Nah,lethersleep.Tellher,Iloveherthough.”

“Iwill,besafe,brother.”

Wedisconnectthevideochat,hiswordsreplayinginmymind.“Don’tgiveuponher.You

crushedher.”

Goingbackintoherbedroom,Istandinthedoorwaywatchinghowpeacefulsheis.Listeningto

Conner,thoughmaybenotpreciselywhathemeant,Itugthecoverstoherbedbackandslideunder

them,holdingherbodyclosetomine.Evenifshegetspissedandkicksmeoutagain,I’menjoying

herrightnow.Nuzzlingmynoseintoherneck,Ibreatheherin,herscentturningmeon.Withmy

armswrappedsecurelyaroundher,Iholdheragainstme,owningthemoment.Herassistuckedup

againstme,andasshewigglesit,mycockgetshardforher.Ibattlewithitinsidemyheadtogo

down.She’llfreakifshewakesandfeelsmydicklikethis.

Mylipsautomaticallykissthetopofhershoulder,notabletohelpmyself,andthenshereaches

backforme.Holdingontomyheadwhileshemoansfrommykisses,Istop,givingherbodya

squeeze,andshesays,“Don’tstop.”

Ikisshershoulderagain,andeachtimemylipstouchher,Ihavetobattlewithinmyselftostay

incontrol.Sheslidesherhanddownmybodyandgrabsmycock.Itiltmyheadback,lovingher

touchingme,butknowingwecan’tdothis.

Scootingawayalittle,Iloosenmygrip,andsherollsover,lookingatmychest,andthen

painfullyslowly,shebringshereyesupmybodyuntilshemeetsmine.

Reachingdownagain,shecupsmydick,squeezingitasshekissesmyneck.Ipushmyself

againstherhand,knowingthatthisissowrong…butI’mnotabletoresisther.Herlipsmoveallover

myskinandthenshereachesintomypants.“Fuckme,”sherequests,andIgrabherwrist,stopping

herfromjerkingmyshaftandlookintohereyes.“You’redrunk.”

“Sowhat?”

“So,askmewhenyou’resober.”

“No!”shescootsdownandunbuttonsmypants.Againstmybetterjudgment,Ilether.Herhair

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iscoveringherfaceandIpushitbehindherear,needingtoseeher.Shetakesherlipsandwrapsthem

overtheendofmydick.Ipauseforamoment,thewarmthofhermouthtakingmebackintimeand

thenpushmycockallthewayintothebackofherthroat.Myeyesareopenwatchingher,not

believingthatit’sreallyherdoingthis.Thenshesitsupandreachesdown,grabbingthehemofher

shirt,pullingitoverherhead.Hertitsspringfree—she’snotwearingabra—andthesecondthatI

havemyeyeslockedonthem,theyareexactlythesameasIremember.Plumpandperfect,withthe

softestpinknipplesI’veeverseen.

Asoftgrowlbrewsinmythroatlookingather.Sheliesdownandgentlypullsmybodyontop

ofhers.Igazeather,knowingIshouldstop,butsheurgesmeon,pressingherhipsup.Isituponher

andtakebothofmyhands,grabbinghertits,squeezingthemandthenbendingdownconsumingeach

one.Lovinghowhernippleshardenbeneathmytongue.Shearchesandmoans,hereyestightlyshut.

Releasingher,Iplantakissinbetweenhertits,andsheremoveshershorts.Myeyeseatherup.

Hersoftpussyisgroomedthesamewayitwasallthoseyearsago.It’sasIimaginedittobe,andI

losetime,ignoringtheconstantnoisethatisscreamingatmetoquit.Spreadingherlegswide,Isettle

inbetweenheranddragmytonguebackandforthoverherclit,herbodybowingagainstmymouth.I

pushhardagainstherasshedoesthesametome,whileIkeepworkingher.Shetastesthesametoo,

alwaysmyownpersonaldrug.

Icanseeherfacethroughhertits,andcantellshe’sclose.Afewmoreflicksofmytongueand

shestartstoshakeandscreammyname.“OhGod,likethat,Nixon.”

Holdinghertightly,asshegivesovertothepleasure,mycockhurtssobadneedingtobeinside

her.Butnotlikethis.Iletherbodysettleandthenreachformyzipper.

“Pleasefuckme.”Ishakemyheadandgetoffher,butshepullsmedownandthengrabsa

condomoutofherdrawer,tearingitopenwithherteeth.Forsomeunknownreason,Iwatchherplace

itinhermouth.

Fuck,she’ssogoddamnhot.

HerlipsarepartedandIswallow,pushingmypantsfartherdown.Thensheuseshermouthto

rollitdownmydick.Idon’tthinkI’veeverwantedanyoneasbadlyasIwantherrightnow.Even

thoughIshouldn’t,especially‘causeshe’sdrunk,Ihaveto.Ikneellikesheis,sowearefacetoface,

andtakemycockatthebase.“Areyousure?”Iaskherandsheanswersbysettlingdownonme.

“Yes,”shewhinesandwrapsherbodyaroundmine.Ifitinsideherperfectly.Herpussyisso

tightandwarmaroundmydick.Lyingherdownonthebed,Ikisshernipples,fuckinglovingbeing

withheragainafterallthistimeandshovemyselfasfarinsideherasIcan.

“Fuck,Cam,”Itellher,andIcan’tevenmove,myforeheadrestingagainsthers,theblood

pulsatingtothetipofmycockassheislookingupatme.ButasIreallylookather,she’ssodrunk,

hereyesareglazedover,andIknowthisiswrong.

Mybodymightbescreamingatmetofuckherhard,butIcan’t.Pullingoutofher,Igetoffthe

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bedandzipmypantsupwiththecondomstillon.

“Ican’t,I’msorry,Cam,”Iturnandwalkaway,hearinghersobsandthensomethingsmash

againstthewallasIclosethedoortoherapartment.Iknowshedoesn’tunderstand,butshedoesn’t

needto.Again…it’sforherowngood.

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Chapter11

Cameron

Idon’tremembereverysinglethingfromlastnight,butIdorememberthewayhislipsfeltonmy

body,thewayhisheartbeatagainstmine.Thewayhiscockfeltbeingbackinsideofme.Throughall

thealcohol,thatwasclearasday,andthenIrememberthepainwhenhetookitallaway,likehedid

whenhejoinedtheNavy.

Ican’tstopthetearsfromspillingoutofmyeyes.Howdidthingsenduplikethis?Howdid

theygoso…wrong?Issomethingwrongwithme?

Mylaptopringsfromthelivingroom,andIknowit’sConner.AsmuchasIdon’twanttotalk,I

promisedhimI’dalwaysanswerhiscallsnomatterwhat.Pullingonmyt-shirt,Iansweritholding

backtheemotionsthataretearingattheseamswantingtospilloutofmeinhopeshecan’tsenseI’ve

beencrying.

“Hey,Con.”

“What’sthematter?”heasks,alarmed.

“Nothing,why?”

“Cam,don’tlietome.”

“I’mnot,I’mgood.”

“Whatdidhedo?”heasks.

“Who?”Iaskhim.

“Nixon,ishestillthere?I’llkillhim.”

“He’snothere,”Itellhimandwonderhowhewouldknowhewas.

“Hewastherelastnight;Italkedtohim.”

“Youdid?”

“Yeah.”

“Whatdidhesay?”Iaskhim.

“Hefeelsbadforwhathe’sdoneandthinksyou’dbehappierwithsomeoneelse.He’sgotalot

ofregretsoverthepast.”

“Wealldo.”

“Cam,he’snotthesameguyhewaswhenheleft.Hewentthroughsomecrazyshitouthere,not

tomentionwhathehadtodo.Idon’twanttoseeyouenduphurt."

“Whathappened?”Iaskhim,needingtoknowwhatNixon’sgonethroughtomakehimtheway

heisnow.

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“Well,hisbunkmatetookabullettotheheadrightinfrontofhim,piecesofhisscalplandedall

overNixon.Nottomentionthemissionshewasonhadhimtakingpeople’slives.Itfuckedhimup.

Youdon’tforgetthethingsthathappenhere,Cam.”

Conner ’swordssickenme,butmakeeverythingclickintoplace.That’swhyNixonistheway

heisnow.He’scoveringthepainandregret,forsomuchmorethanIcould’veeverimagined.HereI

amonlythinkingaboutmyself,whenhe’slivedthroughhell.

“Thankyoufortellingme,Con.”

“Ofcourse,Iloveyouboth.”

Afterwefinishourvideochat,everythingmakessomuchmoresense.AllofNixon’scrazy

behaviorshaveareason.ButIstillhavesomanymorequestions.Likewhatwashedoingherelast

night?Grabbingmyphonefrommypursetocallhim,thereareaslewofmessagesfromLuke.He’s

pissed,butIcan’tdealwithhimrightnow.

Sendinghimatexttoeasehisworryingmind,SorryIbailedlastnight.Igotsickinthe

bathroomandhadtogethome,ifyouknowwhatImean.Clearly,Idranktoomuch.

Ihatelyingtohimingeneral,butwhatcanIdo?Idon’twanttohurthim,butI’msoconfused

abouteverything.

It’sallright,I’mjustgladyou’reokay.Westillonfordinnertonight?

Sure.Itexthim,knowingthatafterIhandleshitwithNixon,thatLukeandIcanfigureourstuff

outtoo.

Goingintomycontacts,IknowNixonprogrammedhisnumber,hetoldmetheotherdayandI

laughtomyselfwhenIreadhowheprogrammeditintomyphone.BigCockNixon,Igotoeditit,but

can’t—it’sthetruth.Dialinghisnumber,itringsandrings,thengoestohisvoicemail.“Hey,Nix,it’s

me,Cam.Uh,I’mnotreallysurewhathappenedlastnight.Imean,IamandI’mnot.Idon’tknow

whatI’msaying…butIneedtotalktoyou.Pleasecallme,it’simportant.”

I’mnotsureifhewillcallmebackornot.Lookingoutside,Idecidetohitsomewaves.It

alwayshelpsmeclearmymindandputthingsintoperspective.Puttingonmyswimmingsuit,it’s

beentoolongsinceI’vebeeninthewater.Ibrushmyteethandgrababottleofwaterandmy

surfboard.Walkingoutback,Iseeafewsurfersoutanddon’tfeellikedealingwithanyonerightnow,

soIstrapmyboardtotheroofofmycarandheadtomyfavoritebeach.It’salwaysprivate.

AsImakethetripnorth,myphonerings—it’sNixon.MyheartimmediatelyracesandIabout

pullmycaroverjusttoanswerit.

“Hey,”IsayquietlytohimandIcantellthathe’sbeensleeping.

“Hi,everythingallright?”

“Yeah.I…I’msorryaboutlastnight.”

“No,it’sallgood,don’tbesorry.”

“Thanks.Doyouthinkwecouldtalk,inperson?”

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“Idon’tknow,Cam.Mightbebetterifwekeepourdistance.”

“Ipromise,I’llbehave.”

“Youwannameetsomewhere?”heasks.

“Whereareyou?”

“Home.”

“I’mout,goingtoJensenBeach.Icouldswingbyyourplacefirst?”

“Soundsgood,I’lltextyatheaddress.”

Wehangup,andI’mnotsurewhatmyplaniswhenIgetthere.Idon’tknowwhatI’mgoingto

sayoranythinglikethat.However,NixonwasatmyhousewhenIgothomelastnightforareason

andIneedtoknowwhy.

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Chapter12

Nixon

“Didyoubuythisplace?”Cameronasksmeaswewalkthroughmyhouse.

“No,”Itellher.“It’smyaunt’s.I’mrentingitfromher.Ineededsomewhereclosetothewater,

with…”

“Thebestwaves,”shefinishesmysentenceforme,stillknowingmesowell.

“Youwantcoffee?”Iaskherandsheshakesherhead.

“ItalkedtoConner,”shetellsmeasIpourmyselfacup.Isetthepotbackinthemachine,my

backtoherasshesitsatthekitchenisland.“Yeah?Whatdidhehavetosay?”

“Hetoldmewhatyou’vebeenthrough,intheNavy.Ihadnoidea.”

“Whatthefuckdidhetellyou?”Iask,lookingather,tryingtogetareadonher.

“Thatyourbunkmatewaskilledinfrontofyou.”

“That’sall?”

“Healsosaidyou’vehurtpeople.”SheswallowsandIdon’tlikethedirectionthisconversation

isheaded.ThisisthelastshitIwanttobetalkingabout.

“Hurt?”Iask.

“Killed,”sheaffirms,andIsipmycoffee,keepingthosetimes,thosethings,thenoiseofitall,

atbay.

“Whatelse?”

“That’sall.”

AndIguessthatistheimportantstuff.Whatmoreistheretosay?Exhalingasshecomesand

standsinfrontofme,Ican’tlookather.Shecupsmycheek,herwarmhandtryingtosettlemyfears,

butIwon’tlether,it’snotherplace.Sheshouldn’tevenknowwhatshedoes.Takingherwrist,Ipullit

away,needingtokeepourdistance.Idon’tdeserveher.EvenifshenowknowswhatI’vegone

throughanddone,she’llneverfullyunderstand.

“Don’tpushmeawayagain.”

IlookintohereyesfilledwithtearsandhatethatI’magainthecauseofherpain.“Don’tcry,

please.”

“Youknowyoucantalktome,right?”

“Iappreciatethat,butI’mdonetalking.TheymademedothatshitintheNavyandlookwhere

thatgotme.”

“Iseeexactlywhereitgotyou.It’smadeyouputonthisfakepersonaandpretendtobe

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someoneyou’renot.”

“Cam,thisiswhoIamnow.”

“Why?Youdon’tneedtobe.”

“Idon’tknowhowelsetobe.Thisworks;itgetsmethroughthedays.”

“Okay,thenwhywereyouatmyhouselastnight?”

“Idon’tknow.”

“Don’t.Don’tstartevadingquestions.”

“Thenstopfuckinginterrogatingme,”Isnapandshestepsback.

“I’mnotinterrogatingyou.Ijustthinkyouwerethereforareason.Ididn’trememberatfirstif

I’dcalledyou,thenithitme.IrememberyouhelpingmeupwhenIfelloutofthecabandcarrying

meinside.”

“So?Astrangerwoulddothat.”

“Wouldstrangersdowhatwedid?”

“You’remyweakness.Youalwayshavebeen,andyoualwayswillbe.”

“Thenwhystopandwhyleave?”

“Becauseyouweredrunk.”

“SoifIwassoberyou’dfeeldifferently?”

IwanttotellherthatIwould,thatIcouldfuckherrightnow,likeanyuselesswhorethatIbang,

butIcan’t…Iwon’t,nother.“No,I’msorry,Cam,Iwouldn’t.”

Shelooksatme,hurt,andthengetsupsilentlyandgrabshercarkeyswalkingtomyfrontdoor.

Ihatetoseeherleave;itfuckingkillsme.“Iwasgonnaheadoutbackandsurf,ifyouwannajoin

me?”Iaskherseeingherboardontheroofofhercarandshelooksbackatme.Hereyessparkinthe

lightcominginfromoutside.

I’mnotsurewhyweplaythesegames,thisbackandforth,butwedo.Attheendoftheday,allI

knowisIwanttoprotecther…plainandsimple.Butatthesametime,Ican’tfuckinglethergo.

“Sure,letmegrabmyboard.”Ifollowhertohercar,helpinghertakeitoff.ThenasIcarryit

insidesheasksme,“CanIuseyourrestroom?”Ishowherwhereit’satandsneakofftotakeafew

shotsofvodka.I’mexcitedtohitsomewaveswithher,justlikethegoodolddays.AsI’mchanging

intoafreshpairofboardshorts,shehollersout,“Who’sAmy?”

Sonofabitch!

“Youknow,Idon’tremember,”Itellherandpopmyheadin.She’ssittingonthetoiletstaring

atthelipstickwrittenmessagethat’sonmymirror.

Takingatowel,Itryandruboffthemessage,butitjustsmearseverythingmakingthemirror

redandsmudged.

“Doyousleepwithalotofwomen?”Cameronasksme,andthequestionnotonlymakesme

uneasy,butIcanseetheresentmentandthedisconnectthatcomesacrossherface.HowdoIanswera

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fuckingquestionlikethat?

“Noway,”Itellher,knowingit’spointlesstogointodepthabouttherandomwomenthatI

bringhomefromthebars.“IfIdiddecidetohookupwithsomeone,Ialwaysuseprotectionandthey

don’tmeanshittome.Notthewayyoudid.”Shewaitsformetoleavebeforegettingoffthetoilet,

andthenmeetsmeatthebackdoorofmyhouseandweeachgrabourboards.

Walkingoutsideintheheatoftheday,Ican’thelpmyselffromlookingatCam.Shepullsher

sunglassesdownfromthetopofherhairandisobservingthewaves.“It’sgorgeoushere,”shesays.

“Itis.IhopedwhenmyauntsaidIcouldstayhere,thatI’dbeabletoshowyouoneday,”I

confess,thealcoholgivingmethecouragetobehonest.

“Youdid?”sheaskssurprised.

“Yeah,Iknewyou’dloveit.”

ShesmilesandIhopeshebelievesme,becauseit’sthetruth.Ithinkabouthermoreoftenthan

shecanimagine.WhetherIwasacrossthecountryordowntheroad,adaywouldn’tpasswhere

Camerondidn’tcrossmymind.

Shetakesoffhershortsandtanktop,herbodyfuckingsmokin’inherskin-tightbikini.Weboth

strapourboardstoourankles.Walkingintothewaterasfaraswecan,wegetuponthem,bellyfirst,

andpaddleout.“Yougood?”Iaskherandshesplashesmeintheface.Ismirkandwebothturnonce

wearefarenoughoutinthewaterwaitingfortherightwave.“Youwannagotogether?”Iaskher.

“Sure,”shesaysandItellher,“Ihopeyoudon’tlikeyoursunglassestoomuch.”

“Shit,”shecomplainsandtakesthemoff.

“Here,toss‘emtome.”

Shethrowsthemover,andIputtheminoneofmypocketsthenzipitup.Lookingbackasa

heavywaverollsin,shepaddlesintoitandIwatchher,notabletogoalongwithher.Shedigsdeep

andtheseconditcaps,shepopsup,balancinglikeabadass.Herskillsarenaturalandsomuchbetter

thanmine.Fuck,she’ssexy,herswimmingsuitbarelycoveringherass,andshe’ssuchabossturning

intothewaveandridingit.

Shelastsforabouttensecondsbeforeglidingdown,andIseemyopportunitypushingforward.

ThecoolsaltwaterrushesbeneathmyfingertipsandIcansensehereyesonmeasshepaddlesback

out.ThenthemomentthatIstandup,IlastafewsecondsbeforeIeatit.

WekeepridingforGodonlyknowshowlongandthensheasksme,“Wannamakeabet?”

“Fuckyeah.Whatarewebettingfor?”

“Twentybucks.”

“That’sit?That’sallyoucancomeupwith?”Iteaseher.

“Youwantthebetornot?”

“Absolutely.”Thetruthis,Imissbeingcompetitivewithher.Wealwaysusedtomakebetsand

shit,andeventhoughIalwayslost…Ilovedmakingherhappy.

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“Okay,let’scatchthenextwavetogetherandseewhocanstandupthelongest.”

Welookback,waitingfortheperfectone,andoncewespotit,wedon’tevenhavetospeak.I

paddlehard,puttingeverythingIcanintoit,thenassoonasIpopup,myearsareplaguedwiththe

awfulsoundofherscream.Isearchwildlyforherandseehergettoppledbyanotheroncoming

wave,itsilencesherandIunstrapmyboard.Divingin,notevensurehowdeepitis,Ihavetofindher.

Openingmyeyes,thesaltwaterburns.Swimminginthedirectionthatshefell,Ispotthewaterturning

pinkandwhenImakeittoher,Icanseeherlegisgushingblood.

Fearfulforwhathappened,Ihavetogetherout.Takingherboardoff,Igrabherbodyand

swimashardasIcan.Sheisinpain,clingingtomeaswemakeourwayoutofthewater.“Whatthe

fuckhappened?”Iaskher.

“Idon’tknow,theremustbeareefoutthere.”

BloodisstreamingdownherlegasIrunacrossthesandwithherinmyarms.Takingherinside

myhouse,Isetheronthekitchenislandandinspectthehugegashonthesideofhercalfasshe

heavesinpain.“Fuck,Nixon,makeitstop,”shebegsmeandItellher,“Iwill,justhangon.”

Herfaceisalltwistedupasshebreathesthroughthepain.Puttingpressureoverherlegwitha

towel,sheliesbackontheislandandIholdstill,prayingthatIcangetittostopbleeding.

“Whydoesithurtsobad?”sheasks.

“It’sthesaltwater.KeeppressureonthisandI’llgrabmykit.”

“Kit?”shequestionsme.

“Willyoufuckingholdthis!?”ShetakesthetowelfrommyhandandIrunintomybathroom,

gettingmysurvivalkit.AsaNavySEAL,wewereneversupposedtofindourselvesintroublewe

couldn’tgetoutof.ThiskitwasmylifelineandIneverimaginedinamillionyearsthattheonetime

I’duseitwouldbeonCameron’sleg.

Walkingbackouttoher,Iseesheislookingatthegash.“Diditstopbleeding?”Iask.

“Uhhuh,forthemostpart.”

Fuck,itlooksterrible.“Canyoufixit?”sheasks.

“Yeah,ofcourse,unlessyou’drathergotoahospital?”

“No,Iwantyoutodoithere.”

Thereisaknockonthebackslidingdoor,andIlooktoseeadudeIsurfwitheverynowand

then.Inodhimin.

“Nixon,bro,everythingokay?”hepopshisheadin.

“Yeah,mygirljusthitareef,butall’sgood.”

“Ibroughtyourboardsup,they’reouthereleaningonthedeck.”

“Thanksforgrabbingthem,man.”IlookdownatCameron’sleg,notabletofocusonanything

else.

“Forsure,catchyalater.”

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Inodasheleaves.Iwanttohelpher,butIworrythatI’llhurtherandI’vealreadydoneenough

ofthatinmylife.“Yousureyouwantmetocleanitup?”Iaskheragainandshenodsabruptly.

Openingmykit,IgrabwhatIneedtocleanthewoundandasIdo,shesitsstill,trustingme,

lettingmehelpher.Shereallyshouldgotothehospital,butlookingintohereyes,theyencourageme

on.

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Chapter13

Cameron

“Here,”Nixonsaysandhandsmeanotherbeer.Itakeitfromhim,lookingupintohisbrightblue

eyesthatglimmerinthereflectionofthefire.AfterIhurtmyleg,I’vestayedathishouseallday.

Therehasbeennotalkofourpastorwhatthefuturelookslike,andI’mokaywiththat.It’snicetojust

hangout.

Sittingoutbackofhishome,thewavesarenonstop,crashingagainsttheshore.Suchablissful

sound,andI’msofullfromtheamazingdinnerhegrilledforus.

“Howareyoufeeling?”heasksme,sittingdowninachairnexttome.Mylegissoreandthe

bloodpulsatingwon’tstop,butbeingherewithhimisthebest,justliketheolddays.Iwouldn’t

changeathing…mylegincluded.

“I’mgood…perfect.”

“Yeah?”heasks,lookingdownatmeasIstareupathim.It’strue—Icouldn’tfeelmore

completethanIamwhenI’maroundhim.

“Uh-huh.”

Iyawn,theamberembersfromthefiretiringmeout.Mycellphonerings.It’sLuke…again.

“Youbetteranswerthat.”

“HeyLuke?”Ianswerreluctantlyandcan’thelpbutyawn.

“Thereyouare.I’matyourplace.Areyougonnaletmein?”

MyeyesgetwideandIthinkofhowtorespond.“What?Whyareyouthere?”

“Wehaveplanstonight,remember?”

“Wedo…”ItrailoffandmouthtoNixon,“He’satmyhouse.”Hegivesmethatlook,theone

thatsays,Ican’thelpya.

“Uh,I…I’moutforarunonthebeach,andI’mreallyfaraway.Iwon’tbehomeforawhile.”

“Sowhat,you’rejustbailing?”hescoffsatme.

“I’msorry,IguessIam,Luke.”

“Fine,IguessI’ll…,”hehangsuponme,beforefinishinghissentence.

“Jesus!Whatdidhesay?”NixonasksmeasIstareattheblankscreenofmyphone.

“He’spissedthatIbailedonhim.”

“Whydidn’tyoustillmeethim?”

“Areyoukiddingme?Wefinallyhavesomealonetimewhereshitseemsnormal.I’mnot

gonnachangethatforLuke.”

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“Butyoucouldfuckhimagain,”hetellsmeandmyfaceturnsred…howdoesheknow?“What,

youdon’tremembertellingmelastnight?”

“Itoldyou?”

“Oh,yeah…”

“Christ,whatelsedidIsay?”

“Youreallywantmetotellyou?”Ishakemyhead,buryingmyfaceinthepalmsofmyhands.

“ButLuke…really?”

“Iwasdrunk,itwasaone-timething.”

“Clearly,hedoesn’tthinkthat.Helikesyou.”

“Nixon?”anunfamiliarvoicecallsoutinterruptingtheconversationandIglanceupathim,

thennoticeagirlpeekingherheadaroundthecornerofhishouselikeaweirdo.“Uh,I’mkindabusy

here,”herudelytellsher.Shedoesn’tseemtocareasshecomesfullyintoview,dressedlikeawhore

inaskin-tight,hotpinkdress.She’sclearlydrunkasherbodyswaysbackandforth.

“Oh,”sherespondsandlooksatme,ashedrapeshisarmmeaningfullyoverthebackofmy

chair.IlethimdowhathewantsasIdon’treallyknowwhattodo.

“Doyoumind?”heasksherandshejivesback,“Aren’tyougoingtointroducemetoyour

friend?”

“No,Idon’tevenknowyourname.”

Igiggleandsheplacesherhandsonherhipsandglaresathim,“I’mAmy,remember?Iwrote

mynameonyourmirror.Youtextedmetocomeoverlastnightandthenweren’there.”

SothisislipstickAmy.

“Yeah,it’snotringingabell,sweetie,”hetellsherandremoveshishandfrombehindmybody,

grabbinghisbeerandtakingahugeswigofit.

“Well…whatever.Ileftmyearringsinsidetheothernight,soI’lljustruninandlookforthem.”

She’sgotanastyscowlonherfaceandIcan’thelpbutsmirkather.Whatwasshethinkingcoming

here?Thathe’dfuckher?Andmaybehewould,ifIwasn’there.Shesaidhetextedherlastnightand

thenwasn’thome;maybeitwaswhenhewaswithme.Eventhoughhe’snotmine,imagininghim

withsomeoneelsemakesmesick.

IremindmyselfofwhatNixonandIshared,thesecurityandtrustofourrelationshipwaslike

nothingelse,andspendingtodaywithhimhasshownmethatdeepbeneaththoselayerslivesthemanI

usedtolove.

“Trustme,sweetheart,youdidn’tleaveanythinginsidemyhouse.Sowhydon’tyougoon?”

Hermouthisgapingopenandsheflipshimoff,thenturnsandstumblesaway.

“Well,thatwasunexpected.”

“Right,sorryaboutthat,”hesaysandIplacethespoutofmybeertomylips.AsIswallowasip,

Ilookoverhimandask,“Sothat’slipstickAmy?”

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“Apparently…youknowhowIamwithnamesthough.”

Webothlaughoutloud.Heisterriblewiththem.HealwayshasbeenandI’msurehealways

willbe.“Doalotofrandomgirlscomeoverhere?”

Heshakeshisheadsmilingandsitsbackinhischair,drapinghisarmbehindmeagain.The

simpletouchofhisfingersbehindmeistoomuchtohandle.

“Ishouldgetgoing,”Itellhim.

“Staythenight?”heasks,andkissesmyshoulder,thesamewayheusedtoyearsago.

Leaningmyheadtothesideashislipsthentouchmyneck,Icontemplatehisquestionandwhat

theconsequencesofstayingwithhimcouldbe.AsIlookintohiseyes,hiddenfarbehindtheir

exterioristheoldNixon,myNixon,andIwanttobringhimback.SoInodmyhead,I’llstay.

BecauseifIgo,I’llalwaysregretit.

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Chapter14

Nixon

“Doyouwantlikeat-shirtorsomethingtowear?”IaskCamassheusesmytoothbrushbeforewe

getintobed.

“Sure,thanks.”

Headingintomycloset.IgrabherthesoftestoneIownandchangeintosomesweatshorts.AsI

turnaround,sheisstandinginthedoorway,naked.Themoonlightiscastingashadowaroundher.

She’ssofuckingbeautiful.I’mnotsurewhattodo,soIdon’tdoanything.

“Ipromise,I’mnotdrunk,”shesaysassheclosesthedistance.

Standinginfrontofme,shetakesmyhandandguidesitupherbody.Iwatchwhatshe’sdoing,

myheartpounding,andItellher.“Ican’tpromiseIwon’tfuckupagainandhurtyou.”

“Okay,”sheresponds,acceptingmyanswer.

“AndIcan’tgiveyoumorethansex.”

“Okay.”

“Doesn’tthatbotheryou?”Iaskher,throwingeverywarningsignoutIcan.

“Nixon,youaskedmetostayforareason,”hervoicecrackles.“Asmuchasyoutryandpush

meaway,Iwon’tletyoudoitagain.”

“ButIcan’tgiveyoumore.”

“Youcould,ifyoutried.TheguyIfellinlovewithisstillinsideyou.I’veseenbitsandpieces

ofhimallday.Youjusthavetofindhimandbringhimback.Allittakesisonedayatatime…starting

rightnow.”

Sheguidesmyhanddownherbody,myfingersslidingintoherslit,andItakemyotherhand

grippinghertitasshenudgesherselfagainstme.Leaningintomyneck,shekissesme,hersoftlips

hardeningmycock.Theheatofherpussyenticesme,andIdoit.Islidetwofingersinsideher.She

moans,throwingherheadback,andIworkherpussy.Thetensionfromhermusclesguidingme.

MycockisdrippingforherasIholdherinmyarms,fingeringher,controllingher,pleasing

herthewayshedeserves.ThewayonlyIcan.Hernoisespitch,andIknowshe’salreadyclose.Her

bodyisredandclammyinmyhold,andIwhisperintoherear,“Areyougonnacomeforme?”

“Mmmhhh,”shewhines,andIaddathirdfinger,stretchingher,knowingthattonight,Iwillfuck

herhard,Iwillclaimher,Iwillhavemywaywithheruntilthesuncomesup.“Yes,Nixon,”she

screams,shakinginmyarmsasIwatchhercomeagain,satisfiedthatthistimeshetrulywantsitand

wantsme.

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Carryinghertomybed,Ithrowherdown.“Onyourhandsandknees,”Itellher,whichisher

favorite,ifIrememberright,andyankmyshortsdown,rollingonacondom.Shelooksbackatme

sobeautifully,andItightlyholdontoeachofherasscheeks,gentlyenteringherheavenlycunt.My

ballstightenfromthepressure,mycockharderthanit’sbeeninyears,andIbegintothrustinandout

ofher.

“Yes,”shemoansasIwatchmyshaftgoinginandoutofher.Hercheeksarespreadwidetaking

everyinchofme.Herpussyiswrappedaroundmelikeafuckingcloak,andmybodyisonfire.AsI

pumpherpussy,Igetgoingsofastthatmyballsslapthefrontofherclit.“OhGod,”shecriesoutand

Idon’twanttocome,Idon’twanttoletgo.FuckingheristhebestthingI’veeverexperienced.We

couldgoallnightandIwantto.

Spankingherasshard,sheyelpsandpullsawayfromme.Grippingherbythethighs,Ipullher

backtomeandslambackintoher,buryingmycockinsideofmyfavoriteplace.

“Fuck,yes!”She’ssovocalandIloveit.Iholdontoher,lovingthesoundofhervoiceasshe

coaxesmeon.Pumpingmyhipsasshelooksbackatme.Hereyes,sparkleinthemoonlight,andI

can’thelpmyself.Wegetcarriedaway,beingbacktogetherlikethis,losingourgraspontime.I’m

notsureifit’sbeenhoursorminutes,butshe’sgotmeclosetolettinggo.Ikeepgoingforaslongas

possible,thensuddenlymyballsexplode.Ishutmyeyestightly,grunting,lettingmycumgo.Heat

spreadsthroughmybodyandafewsecondslater,webothfallforward,hersweatybodytremblingas

anotherintenseorgasmrollsoutofher.Ifuckherhard,lovinghowshetremblesandownsthe

moment.

Onceshesettles,Ipulloutofherandlookdownatmydicktoremovethecondom,butit’s

gone.“Fuck!”Imutterandsheasksme,“What’swrong?”

“Nothing,”Ilienotsurehowtotellher,butshesensesit.

“Diditfalloff?”

“Yeah,itmust’ve.”Iliftthedrycondomfromthebedandshowittoher.

“How?”

“Probably,whenIspankedyouandslippedout.”

“Andyoudidn’tnotice?”shescreechesatme.

“No,youdidn’teither.”

“Goddammit,Nixon.”

“What’sthebigdeal?Aren’tyouonthepillorsomething?”

“Yeah,butthat’snotthepoint.”

“Whatisthepoint?”Iaskher,defensive.

Shesitsupontheedgeofthebedsilent,andIdon’tlikehowshe’sclosingherselfofftome

aboutthis.“Talktome.”Ipullherbackagainstmychestandshesays,“HowdoIknowyou’re

clean?”

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“HowdoIknowyouare?”Ijiveback,notappreciatingthatshe’saccusingmeofsuchathing.

“Ialwaysuseprotection,”shesays.

“AndsodoI.”

“Sothishasneverhappened?Yourfuckingcock’shuge;I’msureyou’vehadacondombreak.”

“What,thislittleoldthing?”Iteaseher,butshe’snothavingitassheglaresatme.“Noway,and

ifIdid,I’dgoandgettested.Plus,theCoastGuardmademegothroughonehellofaphysical.”

Kissingthetopofhershoulderlikeshelikes,Ihopethisconversationisover.Whatashitty

thingtohavetotalkabout.

Shenodsandslipsoutofmyhold,leavingmesittingallaloneinmybed.Iwatchherwalkoff

tothebathroomandgivehersomespace.Icheckmyphoneonmynightstandandseeamessagefrom

mymom,Don’tforgetaboutGG’sbirthdayparty,tomorrowateleven.

I’llbethere,Ma.

Cameroncomesoutofthebathroomwearingoneofmyt-shirts.“No,don’tdothat.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Don’tcoveryourbodyup.Iwanttofuckyouagain.”

Shetakesitoffandgetsintomybed,layingherheadagainstmychest.Iclosemyeyesandshe

runsherfingersovermyskin.Asawaveofworriescreepuponme,Iholditback,remindingmyself

tostayinthemomentwithherasherwordsresoundinmyhead.“Justonedayatatime.”

I’mnotevensurewhatthatmeans,butI’mtrustingthatsheknowsbetterthanIdo.“Doyouhave

planstomorrow?”

Sheshakesherheadinresponse,andItellher,“GGrecentlyturnedninety-six.Wouldyoucome

withmetoherparty?”

Lookingupatmeshecupsmycheekandsays,“Oh,Nixon,Idon’tknowaboutthat.”

“Whynot?”

“Idon’tknowifI’mreadytoseeyourfamily.”

“Whynot?Myfamilylovesyou,Cam.Theymissyou…trustme.”

Shedoesn’trespondandIletthesubjectgo.Idon’twanttopushher.Ienjoybeingaroundher;I

enjoyus.

“IfIgo,whatwillwetellthem?”

“Nothing,”Irespond,“Theyaren’tgonnaaskquestions,youknowthat.PleasecomeforGG.It

wouldmakeherday.”

***

“DoIlookokay?”Cameronasksmeaswewalkuptomymom’shouse.

“Yeah,youlooksexyasfuck.”

Shestopsonthefrontstairsbeforewegoinandlooksatme;acloudofuncertaintydarkensher

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eyes.“Nixon,canIaskyousomethingbeforewedothis?”

MypalmsgetsweatyandIworryshe’shavingsecondthoughtsagain.“Ofcourse.”

“Promisemethatyouwon’tleavemealonewithyourcreepyUncleMic?”

Igrabherass,squeezingithardinmygripandshelaughs.“Don’tfuckingscaremelikethat,I

thoughtsomethingwaswrong.”

Shestandsonhertippytoesandkissesme.Wrappingbothmyarmsbehindher,I’menjoying

thismomentwithher,butitiscutshort.Mycousinwalksupbehindusandsays,“Getaroomyoutwo,

wouldya?”

CameronandIseparate,lookingoveratmycousinRhonda’sfamiliarface.“Howareyou?”I

askgivingherahug.

ShehugsmebackandthenCameron,andsays,“I’mgood—fatandpregnant.Howareyou?”

Webothlookdownatherstomach,she’snotthatbig,butIknowbetterthantoevertalkabouta

woman’sfigure.

“I’mgreatandyoulookbeautiful,”CamerontellsherasIopenthefrontdoor.

“How’sConner?”sheasks.

“He’sgood.I’lltellhimyouaskedabouthim.”

Rhondasmilesandwegoinsidemymom’shouse.“Ma?”Iyelloutasweroundthecornerand

arebombardedbyallofmyfamily,withtheirmouthsallhungopenasCameronandIwalkinhandin

hand.Thenwegetlostinabarrageofhugsandhellos.Camerongetspulledawayfrommebymy

momwhocompletelyforgetsaboutmeandembracesher,tearsglossinghereyesasthetwoofthem

reunite.“WhatamI,choppedliver?”

Shereachesforme,pullingmeintoherarmstoo,andasthethreeofusstandtheretogether,my

momwhispers,“Thankyou,God.”Thenaswepullaway,thetwoofthemarecrying,andIfeel

terribleforbreakingthebondtheyhad.MymomwasasecondmomtoCameron,sinceherparents

werealwayssailing.SheandConnergrewupwithme.MymomholdsontoCameron’scheeks,and

shelooksatmeoutofthecornerofhereye,“Don’tfuckthisupagain,Nixon!”

“I’lltry,”Itellmymom,andsheglaresatme.PullingCameronoutofherhold,Iask,excitedto

seeher,“Where’sGG?”

“I’minhere,”sheresponds,hervoicecrackling,andwewalkinthedirectionthatweheardher.

Sheissittingonmymom’sleathersofa.

“Hi,GG!”Shesmilesupatmewithhertiredeyes,andstilltothisday,everytimeIlookather,I

canseemydad.Asmuchasitpainsmethatheisgone,Icanonlyhopehe’dbeproudofthewaysI

triedtofollowinhisfootsteps.EventhoughI’vefuckedupalongtheway,I’mtryingtomakethose

mistakesright.

“Happybirthday!Howareyou,GG?”Cameronasks,leaningoverandembracingmygrandma.

“Thankyou,dear,I’mgood.Christalmighty,don’tyoulookstunning,evenmoregorgeous

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thanIremember.”

“Ahh,thankyou.”

“Happybirthday,”Itellherandembracehertightly.

Thenwesitonthecouchnexttoher,thetwoofthemgettinglostinconversation,andIsitback,

observingeveryoneandeverythingaroundme.EspeciallyCameron.TheregretIhaveoverhurting

herissogreat.I’mnotsurewhysheforgaveme,orisbeingsogoodtome.Especiallyafter

everythingI’veputherthrough.Ibrokeherheartandletherdown,andI’mscaredI’lldoitagain.It’s

boundtohappen.Andwhenitdoes…I’mnotsureifI’dbeabletolivewithmyself.

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Chapter15

Cameron

Sittingdownintheconferenceroomforourweeklydebriefing,IlookaroundforNixonanddon’t

seehimyet.Hewassostrangeafterhisgrandma’spartylastnight.Wegotbacktohisplace,andhe

saidhewastiredandgonnasleep,notgivingmetheoptiontostaywithhimagain.SoIgavehim

space.Imean,whatwasIsupposedtodo?He’snotmine.

LukeandGuycomeinandsitnexttome.“What’sup?”Guyasksme,andIcheckmyphone,

seeingifNixontextedmeatall.It’snotlikehimtobelate…infact,hehatesit.

“Notmuch,howareyouguys?”TheybothnodinresponseandIaskthem,“Haveyouseen

Nixonyettoday?”TheyshaketheirheadsandMackbeginsthemeeting.

“Goodmorning,thankyouallforcomingin.I’mgoingtogetstarted,eventhougheveryone

isn’thereyet,aswe’vegotsomeimportantthingstocover.”Sittingbackinthechair,Ipreparefor

whatI’msurewillturnintoanhouroftalkingandoveranalyzing.“I’msureyouallareawareit’s

officiallythebeginningofhurricaneseasonandwehavealreadyhadthreestormsoutintheAtlantic,

oneofwhichmadelandfallintheMiamiregion.Theaftermathofthestormisn’tpretty;theyare

dealingwithatremendousamountofflooding,andthecrewsdowntherehavebeenbombardedwith

callsfromstrandedboaters.Thankfully,wedidn’tloseanycrewmembers,buttheyweren’tableto

rescuetwofishermenonboardacapsizedwatercraft.Botharestillmissing.Whenyouareouton

yourcallsorsurveyingareastodayandgoingforward,pleasekeepyoureyesoutforanyoneinthe

water.Obviously,youalreadydothat,butthesemencouldstillbeoutatseaandanywherewiththe

strongcurrents.Wewillbesendingafewcrewsouttojustsearchtoday.Withthatsaid,weallknow

thatthesestormscanliterallypopupoutofnowhereandcanalsodissipateatthesamerate.Letme

remindyouofourfirstrule—nooneevergetsleftbehind.Yourcrewisyourpriority;youmustkeep

eachothersafeatallcosts.Anyquestions?”

“Wastheboateverrecoveredthatbelongstothemissingfishermen?”

“No,itwasn’t.Anyoneelse?”Nooneanswershimandhesays,“Allright,besafeoutthere

today.”

Asweallbegintoexittheroom,MackstopsLuke,Guy,andme.“Where’sNixon?”heasksus.

“Uh,he’snotfeelingwelltoday,hecalledmethismorning.I’mnotsureifhe’llmakeitinor

not,”IlieforhimandsenseLukeandGuystareatmeastheyknowIamlying.MomentsbeforeI’d

askedthemifthey’dseenhim.

“Well,heneedstocallme,”Mackorders.“Pleasetellhimthatifanyofyoutalktohim.”

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“We’lltellhim.Idon’tthinkheknew.”

“Okay.Andifhedoesn’tmakeitintoday,youguyscan’tgoout.”

“Noteventohelplookforthemissingboaters?”Guyasks,pissedoff.

“No,youneedafullcrew,youknowthat.So,you’reprobablydonefortheday.”

MackwalksoffandGuythrowshisarmsintheair.“Whatthefuckisgoingon?”

“Idon’tknow,”Itryandcovermyass,andLukesays,“Whyareyoustickingupforhim?”

“Becauseweareateam.I’dexpectyouguystodothesamethingforme.Isn’tthatwhatwedo?”

Theybothnodtheirheadsinagreement.Checkingmyphoneagain,hestillhasn’trespondedto

mytext.“Whyareyousoworriedaboutyourphoneallofasudden?”Lukequestionsme,andIwalk

off,notlikingthewaythatbothheandGuyareacting.IhavetogetaholdofNixon…somethingis

goingonwithhimandIdon’tlikeit.

“Oh,comeon,Cam,Iwasjoking.”

LeavingthebuildingIstepoutsideandcallhim,buthisphoneringsandrings.“Hey,it’sme,is

everythingokay?I’mworried,callme…please?”Ileavehimamessageandwalkbackinside.

“Sowhat?We’redonefortheday?”theguysaskme.

“Iguessso.Doesn’tseemlikeNixonisgonnashow.”

“Fuckthis,I’moutofhere.”GuyleavesandLukejogsafterhim.Lookingaroundateveryone

elseintheshop,theyallhavesomethingtodo,soIleavetoo.

DrivingtoNixon’shouse,itisahotday.Ispothistruckinthedriveway,tellingmehe’shere.

Walkingtothefrontdoor,Iknock,buthedoesn’tanswer.It’slocked,soIstrollaroundtotheback

andfindhisbedroomdoorunlocked.AsIwalkinside,thereisabottleoftequilaonhisnightstand.

“Nixon?”Icalloutandgoinsearchofhim,butdon’tgetaresponseorseehim.There’sonlyone

otherplacehecouldbe.Lookingoutside,Ispothimonhissurfboard.Onhisbedismyswimming

suitfromthedaybefore.Ichangeoutofmyclothesandintoit.Walkingalongthesand‘tilIreachthe

shoreline,Iwatchhimgazingoutatthewaterandworryaboutwhat’sreallygoingonwithhim.He’s

sittingonhisboard,lookingoutattheoceanwithhisbacktome.It’sareallycalmday,therearenot

enoughwavestosurf,butthisiswherehe’shappiest.

Jumpingin,Ibegintoswimandforgetallaboutmyleg.Suddenlyitbeginstosting,theseasalt

burningit,butIpushthroughthepain,needingtogettohim.AsIapproachhisboard,he’slostina

trance.Hedoesn’tevennoticemenexttohim,untilIclimbontop.“Hey.”Wearesittingfacetoface.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”heasksme,alarmed.

“Whyareyouignoringme?”

“I’mnot,Cam.”Helooksdown,hishandssplayedoutinfrontofhim.

“Yeah,youare,”Itellhimandtrytolookintohiseyes.Hewon’tevenlookatme.Icanfeelhim

pushingmeaway,thesamewayhedidallthoseyearsago,andfornogoodreason.“Don’tdothisto

meagain,Nixon.”

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“I’mnotdoinganything.Ididn’taskyoutocomehere;youshouldreallygo.”

“Sothat’showyou’regoingtotreatme?Afterwespentthemostamazingcoupleofdays

together,nowIshouldjustleave?”

Helookstotheleft,swallowing.IcatchsightofhisAdam’sapplemovinginhisthroatandI’ll

bedamnedifIlethimdothistousagain.“Goddammit,Nixon,fuckin’lookatme!”Iscreamathim

andhiseyesmeetmine.“Ilostyouonceanditaboutkilledme.Iwillnotloseyouagain,nomatter

what.Sowhateveritisthat’sgoingoninyourhead,youbetterfigureitthefuckout.”

“I’vetoldyou,Ican’tgiveyouwhatyouneed,”hesaysandlooksdownagain.“IwishIcould…

butIjustdon’tthinkIcan.”

“Yes,youcan.Youknowwhy?‘CauseallIneedisyou.RememberwhatIsaid,‘onedayata

time.’”Helooksatme,mywordsdoingsomethingtohim.

“Maybethat’showyoufeel,butwhataboutwhenIfuckupagain?”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iaskhim.

“HowareyougoingtofeelthenexttimeIfuckup?”

“You’renotevenmakingsense,Nixon.AreyougoingbacktotheNavy?”

Heshakeshishead,andIscootalittleclosertohimandtouchhisface.“Thenwe’vegot

nothingtoworryabout.”

“SincethedayIleftfortheNavy,IhatedmyselfforwhatIdidtoyou,andseeingyoubackwith

myfamilyyesterday,it’swhereyoubelongedallalong,andIfuckedthatallup.ItookConnerfrom

youaswell.Ileftyouwithnothing—noone—Ifuckinghatemyselfforit.”Tearsglossoverhiseyes.

“Don’tdothis.Don’tliveinthepast.Everythinghappensforareason,Nixon,youhaveto

believethat.Fromthismomentforward,makethingsrightforus.Itrustthatyou’llneverhurtme

againandyouhaveto,too.”Hekissesmypalmthatistouchinghisface.Thentakesmyhandinhis,

scootingclosertomeaswell.He’sbreathingharshly,lookingmeintheeye.

“ButIdon’t,youknowwhy?”Ishakemyhead.“‘CauseIknewleavingyouwaswrongandI

stilldidit.”

Ourconversationisbroughttoahaltbyhiswordsandwesitstaringintoeachother ’seyes,the

wavesrockingbeneathus.Ifheknewitwaswrong,thenwhydoit?Whylieabouteverythingandsay

thatitwasformyowngood?Ataloss,IdotheonlythingIcan:forcehimtochoose.

Untyingmyswimmingsuitatmyneck,Iletmytitspopoutandhelooksaroundatthebeach

behindus.Thencoversthembackupandsays,“Whatareyoudoing,crazy?”Hedoesn’tlikeit,and

thenIuntieeachsideofmyswimmingsuitbottoms.Nooneisaroundandwearesofaroutthatif

anyoneisonthebeach,theycouldn’tmakeoutwhatwearedoing.Mybottomsfallopenandhelooks

downatmypussy,likehe’sinpain.“Whyareyoudoingthis?”

“Because,ifyoureallyfeellikeyou’regoingtohurtmeagain,thenIwantyoutolookatme

andswimaway.Let’sendthisnow…or,youcanstaywithmeandwe’llatleasttry.Noone’sperfect,

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I’mnotexpectingyoutobe,butpleasedon’tgiveupsoeasily.”Immediatelyherubsmyclit,andI

takethatashedoesn’twanttoletmego,thathewantstotry.

“Youknowwecan’tfuckouthere.”

“Whynot?”Iaskhimandtakehiscockout,lookingdownatit.Heisstiffandmakesmypussy

clench.Iswallow,wantinghiminsidemeandhepullsmecloser.“Wrapyourlegsbehindme,”he

says,gettingcarriedawayinthemoment.Iliftthemoutofthewater.Heleansback,balancingoutthe

weightonhisendoftheboardandIdothesame,watchingasheslideshimselfinsideme,skinto

skin,nothingseparatingus.“Fuckme,Cam,”herequestsandslowlyIstarttomove.Thecalmocean

rollingbeneathus,mixingwithmymovements,hasmenervousthatwe’llflipover,butifwedo,

we’llkeepfuckingwhereverwefall.

Myeyesareonthepointwhereourbodiesconnect,hispulsatingdicksohardasImoveupand

downonit.Hefeelsincredibleinsideme.ThisisthefirsttimeI’veeverbeenwithanyoneunprotected

andIcouldn’twantitmore.

Imoan,mybodyignitinginpleasureandasmyeyescheckthebeach,hesaystome,“Lookat

me,don’tworryaboutanythingelse.”

Inod,lookingdeepintohisblueeyes,histhumbrubbingmerightwhereIneedit.Matchedwith

theheadofhiscockinsidemeasIslideupanddown,it’stoomuchtohandle.Ifightit,butlose.

Cominghard,IgladlygiveovertothedesirerightasNixondoes.Ablastofhiscumfillsme,and

althoughwedidn’tfullysettleourconversation,himdoingthiswashiswayofacceptingtogive

thingsashot.Andknowingwe’regoingtomakesmefeellikeeverythingwillbeokay.Imeanithas

tobe—Ican’tlivewithouthimagain.

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Chapter16

Nixon

AsIwalkalongthebeachwithCameron,everythingfeelsright.AfterIdroppedheroffathomelast

nightanddrankmyselfintooblivion,itwascleartomethatIwasfallingforher.Allthememories

I’dworkedyearsatsuppressing,she’sslowlybringingbacktoreality.Andthefactthatshe’swilling

toacceptmeandtakethingsonedayatatimegivesmehope.Ihaveagoodfeelingwecouldmakeit

thistime.

“You’requiet,”shesaysandIfeellikeI’minabitofafunk.

“Idon’tmeantobe.”

“Thendon’t.Youcanopenuptome,Nixon.”

Inodandpickupaperfectseashellhandingittoher.“Thankyou,”shetellsme,smiling.

SomethingsosimplethatImissedmorethanIeverrealized.“Youknow…Mackwaspissedyou

weren’ttheretoday.”ShetriestochangethesubjectandIgoalongwithher.

“I’msurehewas.HowwereGuyandLuke?”

“Guywaspissed,Lukewas…well,howLukealwaysis.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iaskher,wrappingmyfingersaroundhers.Sheexhales,holdingmy

handback.Thesmallgesturesatisfyingher.

“He’seasygoing,youknowthat.Buttheybothreallywantedtogoouttoday.Therearesome

boatersmissingoffthecoastofMiamiandtheywantedtosearchforthem.

“Whycouldn’tyou?”

“Mackwouldn’tletusgoupwithoutyou.”

“Damn,I’msorry.Ididn’tknow.”

“It’sokay.YouknowaswellasIdothattheydidn’tsurvive.Theywereoutatseaduringa

hurricane.”

Inodknowingsheisright.MotherNatureisn’tgentle,andshesureashelldoesn’ttakepity

uponanyone.

“So,areyoucomingtoworktomorrow?”

“Yeah,”ItellherandwonderifshewantstotellGuyandLukeaboutus.“Whatdoyouthinkwe

shouldsaytotheguys?”

“Aboutwhat?”sheasks,pickingupanotherseashell.

“Us.”

“Nothingyet.We’retakingthingsonedayatatime,remember?”

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“Idoandnothingwillchangethat…butdon’tyouthinkweshouldbehonest?”Iaskher,

wantingtobesure,especiallybecauseofherpastwithLuke.

“We’lltellthem…whenthetime’sright.”

“Lukebetterkeephisfuckingdickinhispants,”Itellherandshesaystome,“You’vegot

nothingtoworryabout.Iwon’tletanythinghappen,butyou’regoingtohavetokeepyourselfin

control.”

Stickingmyhandsupinfrontofme,Itellher,“Shouldn’tbeaproblemaslongasIgettofuck

youattheendoftheday.”Shesmirks,butdoesn’tanswerme.She’splayinghardballandIlikeit.

“Thatisunlessyouhaveotherplans?”

“Youknow,”shesays,“I’mreallybusyintheevenings,soyoumighthavetofuckmeinthe

mornings.”

“Howaboutboth?”Iaskher,stoppingheronthebeachandpullingherclosetome.

“Thatworkstoo.”

Shesmilessobeautifully,andIaskher,“Didyoueatyettoday?”

“No,you?”

“Nope,wannagrababitetoeat?”

“Youmeanotherthaneachother?”shesmirks.

“Sure,”Itellheraswewalkuptomycondo.“Doyoustilllikelobster?”sheasksme.

“Doyoureallyhavetoask?Youknowit’smyfavorite.”

“There’sanewplacenotfarfromherethathasthebestlobsterrolls.Youwannago?”

“Yeah,I’mgame.”

“Okay,”sherespondsandchangesoutofherswimmingsuitandbackintoherclothes.Myeyes

arealloverherbodyasIgetaglimpseofhertitsandass.Jesus,she’sperfect.

“Yougonnastarealldayorchangeyourself?”

“I’mwearingthis.”SherollshereyesatmeasItossonatanktop.I’mmostcomfortableinmy

boardshorts.Ilivedforfartoolongbehindauniform.“Thisplaceisn’tformaloranything,isit?”

“Notatall.”

“You’rebeautiful,youknowthat,right?”

Shebeams,likeit’sthefirsttimeI’vetoldher.Sheshylypullsherhairup,keepingherbackto

me.“Ready?”sheasks.

Itakeherhandinmineandweleave.Shedrivesuptotheplaceandstillhasn’trespondedtomy

comment.I’mreallynotevensurewhatIwantedhertosay,butIdowanthertoknowhowbeautiful

sheis.Whenshewalksintoaroom,everyonelooksather,shetakesitover,she’ssofuckin’

gorgeous.

“Yougood,everythingwithus?”Iask.

“Yeah,whywouldn’tIbe?”shequestionsmeback.

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“I’mjustmakingsure,‘causeIwasadickearlier.”

Briefly,sheglancesoveratmeandthensays,“Iunderstandwhatyou’regoingthrough.”

Parkinginfrontofthetwo-storyrestaurantwithwhatappearstobearooftopbaronit,Iask

her,“YougonnaletmebuyyoursexyassdinnerbeforeItakeyouhomeandfucktheshitoutof

you?”

Shesmirksatmycomment,butwebothknowI’mdeadserious.

Walkinginside,awaitresssays,breezingonby,“Feelfreetositanywhere.”IfollowCameron

uptotheroof.“Prettysweetview,”Itellher.

“WhatcanIgetya’lltodrink?”acutesurferchickasks.

IlookatCameronandshesays,“I’lltakeawater.”Ilookatthebeersontapandorderalager.

ThegirlwalksoffandIaskCam,“Awater…really?”

“Ihavetodrive.”

“Ohplease,onebeerwithdinnerisn’tgonnakillya.”

“Iknowitwon’t,butonewillleadtosix,andwehaveworktomorrow.

Istopgivingherahardtimeandask,“Doyouknowwhatyou’regoingtoget?”

“Thelobsterroll,you?”

“Thesame,that’swhyyoubroughtmehere,isn’tit?”

“Indeeditis.Youwannasplitoneandthengetsomelobstercheesediptoo?”

“Sure,youmindorderingforus.Igottatakeapiss.”

ShesmilesatmeandIkissherbeforewalkingoff.Wishingshe’dfollowme.Herlipsdriveme

wild,mycockawakeninganytimeIfeelthem,andIbattlewithitasIleaveher.

Finishingupinthebathroom,IgetatextfromCameron,Don’tcomebacktothetable.Guyand

Maceyarehere.

Areyouserious?Justfuckingtellthem.

Iwaitforhertorespond,butshedoesn’tsoItextheragain,WhatthefuckshouldIdo?

Walkingbackout,Idecidetotakeaseatatthebarandwatchthemallvisiting.Icansensethat

Cameronisn’tintoit.She’sstressedandIwanttomakeitbetter.

ThewaitresscomesoutofthebackwithatrayoffoodandIstopher,“Wouldyoumindnot

tellingthoseotherpeopleatthetablethatIcameherewithher?”

Shenods,alittleconfusedbutwalksoff.Roundingthebackofthebar,soIcanwalklikeIam

leaving,Ipretendtobeonmyphoneandstrollonbytheirtable,sureenoughGuyspotsme.“Nixon?”

hehollersoutandIstop,lookingathimandthenCameron.

“Igottacallyouback,”Isayintomyphonethenslipitintomypocket.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Guyasksme,“Iassumedyouweresicksinceyoumissedwork

today.

“Itweakedmybacksurfing,bro,IleftMackamessage.Didn’thetellyou?”

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“No,hesaidhehadn’theardfromyou.”

“Don’tknow;Icalledhim.”

“Doyouwannahaveaseat?”Maceyasks,thankfullychangingthesubject.

“Oh,Idon’twanttointerruptyourmeal.”

“You’renot.WebombardedCam,”Guysays

“Yousure?”IaskagainandCampullsthechairoutnexttoher.

“Heythanks,”Irespondandtakeaseatinit.

“Isyourbackfeelingbetter?”Guyasksme.

“Yeah,Iwentinandgotashotofcortisoneinit.It’sanoldinjuryfromtheNavythateasily

flaresupfromtimetotime.”

Cameronisawkwardlyquiet,andunderthetable,Itakemyhandandgrabherthighashighup

asIcan.Shelooksatmewithwideeyes,andIplayitcool,smirking.

“Sohowwaswork?Didyouguysgetalotofcalls?”

Theybothshaketheirheadsatmeandthenthewaitresssetsourlobsterdipdown.Grabbinga

chip,Idigin;I’msohungry.Cameronsays,“Sure,helpyourself,”remindingmethatI’msupposed

topretendIdidn’torderthefood.

“Oh,isthisnotforthetable?”Iaskherwithachuckleandamouthfuloffood.

Shedoesn’trespondandGuyasksus,“Issomethinggoingonbetweenyoutwo?”

“Noway.Whywouldyouthinkthat?”she’squicktoanswerhim.

“Noreason,”hesaysandrightthen…we’refucked.Ifwecan’tevensitacrossfromhimata

tablehowarewegoingtomakeitthrougheighthoursofworkeachday?Ithinkthebestthingtodo

istotellthem.EvenifLukeispissed—orwhatever—he’llgetoverit.Imean,honestyisthebest

policy…right?

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Chapter17

Cameron

“Hefuckingknows,”ItellNixongettingoutoftheshower.

“So,whatifheknows,Cam?”

“IfLukefindsoutwearefuckingandIdidn’ttellhim,he’sgonnabesohurt.”

“Thentellhim,”Nixonsayscalmly,andIhavenocluehowheisnotstressed.“He’sgonnafind

outsoonerorlater.Isaywetellhimnow.Savethepoorguyfromdroolingoveryoueverychancehe

gets.Imean,itreallyisnauseating.”

“Hedoesn’tdrooloverme.”

“Youcanleavethoseoff,”hesayslookingdownatmyunderwearandIrollmyeyes.

“Wouldyoubeseriousforonce?”Iaskhim.

“What?”hequestionsmeandIwalkawaygoingintomybathroom.“Comeon,Cam,don’tget

allsensitivenow.”HecomesintothebathroomandhugsmearoundmywaistasIcleanmyface.

“LukeandGuyaremybestfriends,evenifLukeandIhaveapast.Idon’twanttodoanythingto

putariftinbetweenusatwork,orhurtLuke,okay?”

Henodsandkissesthetopofmyshoulder.Turninginhishold,Igraspontohimbyhisneck.

Hishardcockrestsagainstmysex,andhesaystome,“See,Itoldyou—youshould’veleftyour

underwearoff.”

Reachingdown,Iremovethem,butI’mdistractedbyhisdick,stiffandthrobbingasitwants

me,drippingpre-cumofftheend.Idroptomykneesandgrabaholdofhim,knowingheiswatching

myeverymove.

Strokinghimafewtimes,Ilickthetipandthenwrapmylipsaroundtheheadofhisshaftand

suckupanddownonhim.He’ssosoftandhard,allatonce.Hetakeshisfingersandknotstheminto

thebackofmyhair,pullingmeclosertohimasheurgeshimselffartherintomymouth.

“Yes,baby,takeallofme,”hesaysandIdomybest,butashepicksupspeed,he’stoomuchto

handleandIgag.Hepullsback,liftingmeup,andcarriesmeaway.Hishandsarewoundtightly

aroundmythighsaswestop,andherestsmybackononeoftheemptywallsofthebathroom.

Reachingbetweenus,hegripshimselfandcrashesintome.“Jesus,Nixon,”Icallout,lovingtheway

hisnamerollsoffmytongue.Heslamsmeagainandagain,hittingtherightspot.

Igaspforair,soturnedon,Icanbarelybreatheaswefuck.Heknotshisfingersintothebackof

myhairandkeepsfuckingme,gruntingeverytimeIcallouthisname.

Mypussyistightashehasmestuffedfull,andIgiveovertothesensation,tothepleasure,to

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whatNixonisdoingtome.Notwantingthistoend,butnotabletoresisttheorgasm.Hepushesme

outofthisworldandIhappilyoblige.Myfingernailsdighardintohisback.“That’sit,baby,come

hard!”heshoutsandIloseallsenseofawareness.He’sgotmecompletelyunderhisspell,andI

wouldn’thaveitanyotherway.Hecarriesmefromthebathroomwalltomybedandunleashes

anotherroundofhisskillfulcock-workonmyachingcunt.

***

“Weshouldprobablydriveinseparately,”ItellNixonasIpackourlunches.

“Sure,babe,”hecallsoutfromthebedroom.Iknowhedoesn’tliketheideaofkeepingusfrom

theguys,butitwon’tbeforlong.I’mgoingtotellLuke,soon.I’dtellGuynow,butIknowhe

wouldn’tkeepitfromLuke,andLukeneedstohearitfromme,tounderstandmyreasoning.

Mylaptopringsandmyheartjumpsintomythroat,IfeellikeIhaven’ttalkedtoConnerin

forever.Leavingeverythinginthekitchenasis,IruntoitandanswerhisSkypecall,sohappywhenI

seehisfaceonthescreen,butalsoalarmedwhenIseehowfilthyheis.

“Hey,sis,”hesaysthroughtiredeyes.

“Youokay?”IimmediatelyaskhimandthenNixon’sbesideme,pullinghisshirtonoverhis

head.

“What’sup,brother?”Nixonaskshimandhesmiles,lookingatourfaces.

“Yougood,Con?”Iaskhimagainandhesays,“Yeah,itwasalongday.Wehadonehellofa

raid.I’mhappytoseeyouguystogetherthough.Ineededto.”

NixonkissesmycheekandIlookupathimsmiling,thenConnerasksus,“Soyou’reback

together?”

“We’retakingthingsonedayatatime,”ItellhimemphasizingthekeywordstowhatNixon

andIare.

“He’sbeinggoodtoyou?”ConnerasksmeandIhonestlyrespond,“Yeah…reallygood.”

“I’mrighthere,”Nixonsays,andbothConnerandIlaugh.“Waseveryonesafeintheraid?”

Nixonasks,clearlyworried.

“Yeah,McHalewashitbysomeshrapnel,butwedidn’tloseanyone.”

“That’sgoodnews,man.Whendidyouswitchtolandmissions?”Nixonaskshim.

“Afteryouleft,theymovedabunchofusaround.Reynoldsgotmovedoverwithmetoo.”

“Damn,”Nixonsays,“IwishwewerealltogetherwhenIwasthere.”

Connershakeshishead,“Thenwhowouldtakecareofourgirlifanythinghappened?”

“Don’tsayshitlikethat,Conner,”Ibarkathim“Nothingisgoingtohappentoyou.Youhear

me?”

“Geez,sis,I’mplaying.”

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Nixontapsmyshoulderthenpointstohiswatch.Shit,wearerunninglateforwork,whichis

notagoodthingconsideringwewanttokeepthingsaboutushush-hush.

“Hey,Con,”Itellhim,hatingtoeverbetheonetoendthecall.“We’vegottagettowork.”

“Okay,besafe,youtwo.Iheardthere’safewstormsbrewingintheAtlantic.”

“We’reintheclearfornow,”Itellhimandthethreeofussay,“Bye”atthesametime.Conner

knowshowmuchIhateendingourcalls,sohemakesiteasyonme.ThescreengoesblackandI

throwmyandNixon’slunchesintotwoseparatebags.

“Youready,beautiful?”heasksmeasIscramblearoundmyapartment.

“AsreadyasI’mgoingtobe.”

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Chapter18

Nixon

It’sbeenaslowday,nocallssofar,sowe’vebeenoutsearchingforsixhoursforthemissing

fishermen,andunfortunately,therearenosignsofthem.Themoodinthehelicopterisdrearyand

I’mnotsureifit’sbecauseofourmissionor‘causeGuyandLukecansensethatwearekeeping

somethingfromthem.

“Sowhatdidyoudolastnight?”IaskLuke,tryingtobefriendlyandkeepshitkosher.

“Notmuch,man,wenttothegymandthenchilled.You?”

“Sawthedoctor,thenmetafriendforafewdrinksandsurfedalittle.”

“Really?Guysaidyouhaddinnerwithhim,Macey,andCam.”

“Yeah,thattoo.Butitwaslaterinthenight.”

Hedoesn’trespondandIglanceatCameron,thengobacktolookingoutthewindow.“Yousurf

alot?”heasksme.

“Allthetime.”

“Youshouldteachmetosurf.ItriedwhenIwasyounger,butIneverstuckwithit.”

“Yeah,bro,wheneveryouwant.”

“Howabouttonight?”heasksme.

IlookatCameronwithwideeyesandsheshrugshershouldersatme.

“Yousurf,don’tya,Cam?”heasksher.

“Uh-huh,”shesays.

“Comewithus.”

“Yeah,sure,”shetellshim,aggravatingme.Ireallydon’twanttobearoundhimhavingtohide

thatwearebacktogetherandthatI’mawareheandCamhookedup.

“DidSethgetaholdofyou,Cam?”Lukeasks.

“No,why?”

“He’scomingbackintotown.Thecondosoldsohe’sgottasignallthepaperworkattheclosing

andshit.”

“I’msurprisedyouhaven’theardfromhim,”Guysays.

“Why?”

“Isn’thestayingwithyouwhenhecomesback?”Whatthefuck,whywouldhestaywithher?

“Idon’tthinkso,”shesays.

“Doesn’thehavefamilyhecanstaywithhere?”IblurtoutandCameronmouthstome,

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Don’t.”

“Nah,hisfamilyisinCali,whereheandhisgirlmoved.Wewereallhehadhere,”Guysays,

thensuddenlyCameroninterruptsus,“Ispotsomethingateleveno’clock.”Unbucklingmysafety

belt,Islideovertoherwindowandlookoutside.Sureenoughthereissomeoneinthewaterwaving

theirarmsbackandforth.Theirheadlookslikeafloatingsoccerball,outthereinthemiddleofthe

ocean,andIdon’tknowhowshespottedhim.

Lukecallsitinovertheradio,andGuycircleshimbeforemakingadescent,gettingusclose

enoughtogodownintotheopenwatersandrescuehim.

CameronunbucklesandIwhispertoher,“Letmegodown,”hatingtoseeherriskherlife.

“No,”she’sadamant,andI’mprettysurethereisnotalkingheroutofit.

Grabbingtherope,Iattachittothebasketassheadjustshersnorkelandmask.Theguyis

floatinginthewater,andshe’sgotnothingtolandon,soshehastojumpin.Openingthedoor,Guy

giveshertheall-clear.Theseasaremoderatetoday,andIwanttokisshersobadbeforeshejumps,

butIcan’t.Shewinksatmeandthengoes.AsIwatchherlandandswimtotheman,Iwonderhowin

theworldhesurvivedintheseopenwatersfloatingallthewayfromMiamiuphere.I’msurehe’s

gottabeoneofthemissingfishermen,aswehaven’treceivedwordofanyothermissingpersonsin

ourarea.Slowly,IlowerthebasketdowntotheguythatCameronhasmadeitto,gettingclose

enoughforhertograbaholdof.Onceshedoes,shegetshiminthebasketandthensignalsthatshe’s

clear.IwaitforGuytogivemethegoaheadfromupfrontbeforebringinghimin.

“You’recleartoproceed,Nixon.”

Thesecondhesaystheword“clear,”Ihitthebuttonbringinghimup.Oncehe’sinthe

helicopter,Ilowerthebasketbackdowntogetheroutoftheoceanasquicklyaspossible,myjaw

clenchedwiththeworryIcan’tcompletelypushaway.ItseemstotakeforeveruntilIhaveherback,

butonceIdo,Ikissherneck,notabletocontrolmyself.

“What’syourname?”Lukeaskstheman.

“Jack,”hesays.

“HeyJack,”Irespondandbegintoworkonhim.“Jack,isyourlastnameBrightly?”Lukeasks

himandhesays,“Yes,”throughashakytone.

“That’saffirmative,wehaveoneJackBrightly,onboardUSCG6035andareenroutetoJupiter

MedicalCenter.”

“Ten-four.USCG6035,what’syourETA?”thedispatcherasks.

“Tminussevenminutes,”Guyssays,andCameronandIgetJackonabodyboard,thentakehis

vitalsandbeginanIV.He’sclearlydehydrated,youcantellfromlookinginhiseyes.

“Youfeelingokay?”Cameronaskshim.

He’sshaking,hisbodyisinshockfromgoingthroughwhathehasendured,yethehasthe

wherewithaltotellher,“Thankyouforsavingmylife.”

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“Ofcourse.It’swhatwedo.Everythingisgoingtobeokaynow.”

Cameronlooksupatme,herfaceflushedandshe’sstillbreathinghard.“Goodjob,”Itellher

andwink.ShegivesmeawinkbackandIremindmyselfthatI’llgettohavehertonightafterwork.

Well…IwillafterIfinishdealingwithLukeandhisfuckingsurflessons.

***

“Youwantmetotextyoumyaddress?”IaskLukeaswewalkoutofwork.

“Yeah,I’llrunhomeandchange,thenheadthatway.”

“Cool,seeyainabit.”

Cameronwalksofffromusandsays,“Night,guys.”

“You’recoming,Cam,right?”Lukeasksher.

“Yeah,youwannatextmeyouraddresstoo?”sheasksme.

“Sure.”

Ihopinmytruckanddialherphonenumber.Shelooksoveratmethroughhertintedwindows

andanswers,“Hey,bigcock.”

“Youhavetwooptions,”Itellher.

“DoInow?”

“Yes,youcaneitherbeatLuketomyhousesoIcanfuckyou,oryoucantalkdirtytomeright

nowandI’lljerkoffinmytruck.”

ShegigglesandItellher,“I’mdeadserious,baby.”

“Oh,I’msureyouare.ButIwantyourcockinsideme,soyoubettergethome.”

Peelingoutofthelot,Iputthepedaldown.“Youstillwanttotalkdirtytomewhilewedrive?”

“Whatdoyoumean?Likeyouwantmetotellyouhowfuckingharditwastositnexttoyouall

day,whileIwatchedyourdickstrainingyourpants,orhowI’dclenchmypussyeverytimeyou

brushedupagainstme?”

“Keepgoing,”Itellher,mycockstiffeningfromherwords,lovinghowshe’shavingthesame

strugglesthatIam.

“Didyoujustpassme?”sheasksme,andIlookinmyrearviewmirrortoseehertinyblack

sportscarflyuponme.

“Guess,Idid.Ididn’twanttomissmyopportunitytofuckyou.”

“Cometomyplacethen.IfLukeshowsupatyourhouseandyou’renotthere,tellhimyouhad

tobuysomesexwaxfortheboardsorsomething.”ShelaughsoutloudandItellher,“Oh,I’llshow

yousexwax.”WeracetoherhouseandsomehowIgetcaughtatalight.AsIpullup,sheisalready

parkedandIrunin.ThesecondthatIopenthedoor,Ifindhernakedinherbedroom.Turningthe

lock,sheasksme,“Whichone?”andholdsuptwoswimmingsuits.

“Neither.”

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“Imeanfortonight.”

“Don’tyouhaveawetsuitorsomething?”Iaskherandimmediatelyfingerherpussy.She

bracesherweightbackonherdresser,herbottomliptuckedbeneathherteeth.“Jesus,Nixon.”

“YoulikewhenIfingeryou?”Iaskherandrolloneofhernipplesinbetweenmyteeth.

“Uhhuh.”Shereachesdownandbeginstorubmycock.“Fuckme.Wedon’thavemuchtime.”

“Wehaveallthetimeintheworld,baby,thatfuckerisn’tgoingtorushmytimewithyou.”

SheunzipsmypantswhichfalltomyanklesandIripmyshirtabovemyhead.“Fuckme!”she

ordersmeagainandIbarrelintoher,withnowarningasIslamherhard.

Shelosesherbreathandlooksatmewide-eyed.“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”Islamheroverand

over.Eachtime,sheyelps,herheadhangingback,andIgetlostinherscent,kissingandsuckingon

herneck.

Mymouthismatchedwithmythrusts,andthenthereisaknockonherdoorthatstopsmedead

inmytracks.“Cam?”Lukecallsout.

Whatthefuck?

“Uhhhh,onesecond.”

MyeyebrowscreaseasIgazedownather,pissedoffforresponding.“Letmecome,”Itellher,

andshewhispers,“No,hecan’tknowyou’rehere.”

Takingonehand,IplaceitoverhermouthandwithmyotherIliftheroffthefloorandcarry

hertoherbed,whereIfuckherhard.Myhandstillcoveringhermouthtomufflehernoises.She

quietlymoansclenchingmydick,givingmeasolidfuckingcome,myentirebodytensingasIfillher

withmywhite,beforeIpulloutofher.Throwingherclothesather,shestrugglestogetdressed.She

laughsatmeandasksme,“Whatarewegoingtodo?”

HeknocksagainandItellher,“I’llstandbehindthedoor,andwhenhecomesin,hughimand

I’llslipout.

Goingtothedoor,sheopensitasIstaytuckedbehindit,“Sorry,Iwasvideochattingwith

Connerandtheconnectionwassospotty.”

“That’sokay,isNixonhere?”heasks.

“No!”sheshrieksandpullshimintoahug.“Whywouldyouaskthat?”IhearhersaytohimasI

slipout,wantingtopullthemapartfirst…butIdon’t.

“Ithoughthistruckwasoutside,”hetellsherandthenIhearthedoorclose.

Thatmotherfucker.

Whatwashethinkingcomingtoherhouse?Ishould’veleftthedoorunlockedsohecould’ve

caughtmebangingher.Maybethenhe’dgetthepointthroughhispunyfuckingbrain;shewantsa

man,notaboy.

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Chapter19

Cameron

“Itmustbesomeonewithatrucklikehis.Whatareyoudoinghere,anyway?”IaskLuke,asIhopehe

can’ttellwhatNixonandIwerejustdoing,especiallywithhissuddensuspicion.

“IwantedtoseeifyouwantedtodrivetogethertoNixon’s?”

“Yeah,sure,”Itellhimandconsidertalkingtohimonthedrive…butitwouldmakeforan

awkwardevening.“Letmegrabmysuit.”

“Cool,”herespondsandIheadintomybedroom,usingtherestroomasNixonleftmea

fuckingmessdownthere.Grabbingabag,Ipackitwithatonofshit,figuringI’llbestayingathis

housetonight:clothesfortomorrow,afewswimmingsuits,makeup,PJ’s—notthatheeverletsme

wearthem.

Goingbackoutintothelivingroom,LukehasNixon’shatinhishandandsays,“Isthis

Nixon’s?”

“No,it’smybrothers,heaskedmetosendhimaboxwithsomestuff,”andIshowhimthebeef

jerkyandsunglassesthatIboughtforhimwhichareinaboxonmydiningroomtable.Tossing

Nixon’shatontop,puttingitinwitheverythingelse,Iaskhim,“Youready?”

“Yeah.”

“Youcoolifwetakeyourtruck,soIdon’thavetostopandgetgas?”Itellhim,hopingIcan

weaselmywayoutofleavingwithhimtonight.

“Ofcourse.”

NixontextsmeasIgetintoLuke’svehicle.Everythingcool?

Yeah,onourwaynow.

“ThatNixon?”Lukeasksme,clearlyparanoid.

“No,why?”

“Justwondering.”

“Idon’ttalktoNixonoutsideofwork.”

Helooksoutthewindshield,likehedoesn’tbelievemeanddoesn’trespond.Icansensethat

he’sholdingsomethingback,maybethat’swhyhereallycametomyhouse.

“Sowenevergottofinishourconversationfromtheothernight.”

Fuck!

IknowrightwhereheisheadedwiththisandIgrabmyphone,textingNixonagainquickly,

CallLukeanddistracthim‘tilwegetthere,please.

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Notasecondlater,Luke’sphoneringsandhepullsitoutofhispocket.“It’sNixon,”hetellsme.

“Youbetteranswerit,hemightbecancellingwithhowflakyheis.”

IcanhearNixonbeingallfriendlyinthebackgroundandLukeislaughingandplayingright

intohim.I’mthankfulforNixon,asI’mnotreadytotalktoLukerightnow.

AswepulluptoNixon’s,IgrabmybagandLukefollowsme.Nixonopensthedoor,theguys

endingtheirphonecall,andheiswearingapairofboardshortsandnothingelse.Iswallow,acting

likeI’mnotfazed.“Comein,”hesays,andIaskhim,“CanIuseyourrestroomtochange?”

“Sure,letmeshowyouwhereit’sat.Luke,youwannabeer,man?”

“Yeah,”LukesaysstaringoutatthewaterashewandersoutonNixon’sdeck.

NixonandIwalkoffandthesecondthatthedoorisclosed,heasksme,“Whatthefuckisgoing

on?”

“Idon’tknow.Hekeepsaskingmeaboutyou.Thenbroughtupthebarthatothernightandus

notfinishingourconversation.It’slikeheknowssomething’supandismullingitoverinhishead,

tryingtocatchus.Maybethat’swhyhewantedthethreeofustohangouttonight.”

“Orhewantstoseeustogetheroutsideofwork.IbetGuytoldhimsomething’supafterour

dinnerwithhimandMacey.”

“Youthink?”Iaskhim,concerned.

“Yeah,maybe.Butdon’tworry,Luke’sthekindofguywhodoesn’twanttosteponanyone’s

toes.SoifIneedtoI’mgonnalethimknowwhat’sup.”

“Nixon,don’ttellhimlikethis.It’llhurthim;letmedoit.I’lllethimdrivemehomeandtell

himontheway.”

“Okay,Iwon’ttellhim,babe.”Heleansdownandkissesme,thenItakemysuitofoutmybag

andhescoffsatit.“Forreal,Cameron?”

“What?It’sthebestIhad.”

“Where’syourwetsuit?”hescoldsme.

“Atwork.”

Thenheswatsmyass,andIchangeintoasexyredone-pieceandwalkoutbackfindingthe

guystalkingaboutthewavesandlookingatthebottomofoneofNixon’sboards.

Luke’sjawhitsthefloorwhenheseesmeandNixonpatshisback.“Whydon’twewatchCam

forabit,soyoucanseewhatshelooksforandhowshepopsup,okay?”

“Sure,”LukerespondsandIhavenocluewhyNixonwouldwanttohavehimstaringatme.“I

waxedthisoneforyou.”Hehandsmemyboardandweactlikeit’shis.“Thanks.”

“Ofcourse.Checkoutthegroundswellfromthestorm.”

InodandglancebackatthetwoguysandreallyhopeNixondoesn’tenduphurtinghim.Don’t

getmewrong,LukeisadorableandatonepointIthoughttherewasasparkthere.ButwhenNixon

camebackitmademequestioneverythingandrealizethathe’sonlymyfriend,nothingmore.Ineed

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someonelikeNixonwho’sgonnatellmehowthingsareandhavemybackandtreatmethewayonly

hecan.Liketonight,whenhecalledLuketodistracthimforme,hedidn’tquestionmeandwasn’t

jealousoranything.Hewaslookingoutformeandus.ThewaymyoldNixondid,andthat’showI

know…I’mfallingforhimalloveragain.

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Chapter20

Nixon

“Sodidyousurfalotgrowingup?”IaskLuke.

“Nah,notmuch,ItrieditafewsummerswhenIwasyoung.Myunclewasbigintoitandwould

alwaysteachmewhenhevisited,butthenwhenheleft,Ididn’thaveanyonetoshowmewhatIneeded

todotogetbetter,sothatkindofendedit.Whataboutyou?”

“Oh,man,wegrewupinthewater.Everyday,fromsunup‘tilsundown.”

“Who’swe?”heasks.

“Oh,Me,Cam,andherbrother,Conner.”

“Soyouthreewereclose?”

“Yeah,reallyclose,”ItellhimasIwatchhersexyasspaddlingout.Thinkingofallthetimewe

spenttogethermakesmethinkabouthowbadIfuckinghurtherwhenIleft.

“Why’dyouleaveherthen?”

“Itwasthebiggestmistakeofmylife,”Itellhim,hopingthatifheknowsIregretit,he’llback

down.

“Youstilllikeher?”

“Howcouldyounot?Lookather.”Camturnsandbeginstopaddleforward,andasmuchasI

wanttotellhimeverythingaboutus,Idon’t.I’llletCamdoit.Instead,Ichangethesubject,hoping

he’scapableenoughtocatchmydrift.

“Seethewayshereadsthewave,thendigsdownintoitwithherarmsandrightwhenitcaps,she

catchesitoutofthecornerofhereyeandpopsup,lettingitpullherboardwhereitwantsasshe

balancesontopofit?”

“Yeah,man.She’sfuckin’good.”

“She’sthebest.She’sgotsicksurfin’skills,alwayshas,”Itellhim,mymindgoingbacktous

fuckingoutontheoceantheotherday.ShecouldwinaGuinnessWorldRecordforbalancingthebest

onasurfboard.

“Forsure,man.Butyouwouldnevertryandpursuethingswithheragain,wouldyou?”

Ilookhimintheeye,stunnedbyhisquestion.He’sgotsomefuckingballs.Isheseriously

askingmeforpermissiontobewithher?

***

“Whatdidyousaytohim?”CameronasksmeasLukedrivesoff.

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“Itoldhimwhat’sup.”

“Comeon,Nixon,tellmeexactlywhatyousaid.Hewouldn’teventalktome.”

“Thenthat’shisproblem.”

Grabbingustwofreshbeersfromthefridge,Iwalkoutback.Icanstillhearthatlittleprick’s

voiceinmyhead,“Youwouldnevertryandpursuethingswithheragain,wouldyou?”

“Here,”Itellherandpassherabeer,pullingherintoanembrace.ShetakesitfrommeasIkiss

herlips.

“Youwannasit?”

“Sure,”shesaysandwesittogetherinoneoftheloungechairs,withherrestingcomfortably

betweenmylegs.Ihavetobehonestandtellherwhathappened.

“Justtellmeonethingfirst,doesheknowaboutus?”

“Oh,baby,it’swayworsethanthat.”

“Whatdoesthatmean?”Shesitsforwardandlooksbackatme,confusionplasteredacrossher

face.Yankingherbodybackwards,Iholdhertightlyagainstmychestandshereluctantlysettles.

“He’s…he’sinfuckinglovewithyou,Cam.”Itkillsmetosaythewords,tothinkthatanother

manlovesher,butIhavetobehonest.

“Whatthefuck?”sheblurtsout,herheartracinginsideherbody,thebloodpulsatingthoughher

limbsagainstmyskin.“No,Nixon,youmust’veheardhimwrong.Whatdidhesaytoyou?”

Ishakemyhead,notwantingtogetintoitagain,butcontinueon,forher.“Hequestionedme,

likehewasaskingforpermissiontobewithyou.Ithinkhethoughtifhehearditfromme,thatIwas

overyou,hecouldconvinceyoutobewithhim.AndItoldhimwhat’sup,thatwe’rebacktogether.”

“No,youdidn’t.Whywouldyoudothat?”

“Ihadto.Iwasn’tabouttolethimthinkhehadashotwithyou.Hetoldmeplainandsimplethat

helovesyouandrealizeditwhenyoutwoslepttogether,whichhealsotoldmeabout.Fucking

disturbingtotalktoamanwho’sinlovewithyourgirl.”

“Areyoufuckingaroundwithme,Nixon?‘Causeifyouare,thisisnotfunny.”

“No,baby,IwishIwere.Theguywasalmostintears.”

“Fuck,”shesaysandItellher,“I’msorryItoldhim,Iknowyouwantedto.Butitallgotme

thinking,andIunderstandifyouwanttobewithsomeonelikehim.”

“JesusfuckingChrist,Nixon,haveyoulostyourgoddamnmind?”shescoldsmeandIkissthe

topofherhair,notreallyknowingwhattosay.

“Whenitcomestoyou,Ilostmymindalongtimeago,babe.”

“Doyouhearyourself?Whatyou’resuggestingissimply…wrong.Idon’twanttobewith

anyoneelsebutyou,fuckupsandall.”

“Areyousure?Ifyouwannatakethingsslowandmaybedateotherpeople,I’dunderstand.”

“Shutthefuckup!Don’tyougetit?”sheasksme,turningaroundandlookingmeintheeye.

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“Evenifyouweretoleavemeagaintomorrowandbreakmyheartalloveragain,thiswouldallbe

worththepain.Youareitforme.”

Shelooksatmethroughasmile,butaglazeofagonyisinhereyesandit’snotaboutus,it’s

stillaboutLuke.Takingherchininbetweenmythumbandforefinger,Ibringmylipsdowntohers,

theconnectionthatwesharesostrong.

“Ihavetotalktohim,Ineedhimtounderstandwhy.ButwhatamIsupposedtosaytohim?”she

asksme.

“You’vegottabehonestanddoitsoon.”

ShenodsandIhopeshecanlethimknowherselfthatshe’snotinterestedinhimandthatwe

reallyarebacktogether.IfeltlikeasIwastellinghim,hedidn’tbelieveme.

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Chapter21

Cameron

“YougonnatalktoLukebeforewegoout?”Nixonasksme.

“Yeah,especiallywithSethhere,Idon’twantthingstobeüberfuckingawkward.”

ItriedtotalktoLukethismorning,buthewassuperlate,whichIknowhedidonpurposeand

hewouldn’treturnanyofmycallsortextslastnight.

“DidyoueverthinkI’dbetheoneyouwouldn’thavetoworryabout?”Nixonasksme,andIso

wanttokisshim.

“Never,andIreallyappreciateit.”

Sethshowedupatourstationthisafternoonandputatotalwrenchintomyplanoftalkingto

Lukeatlunch.AsIgazeacrossthefacility,Seth’sbeingallsociablewitheveryone.IcatchLuke

staringatme.“Wecouldalwaysbailontonight,”ItellNixon,butdeepdown,knowingnowisthe

timetogetitoverwith.

“Yeah,right,nowputyourbiggirlpantsonandgrabLuke…well,don’tphysicallygrabhim.”

Ican’tkeepmyselffromslappinghisshoulderandheflinches,likeIhavesomestrengththat

hurtshimorsomething.

“Wishmeluck.NowgetyourassoverthereandmakefriendlywithSeth.Andpleasekeep

thingschilltonight,okay?”

“Okay,butyou’redrivingwithme.I’mgonnamakeyousuckmeoffontheway.”

HewalksoffandIpackeverythingupintomybagasIheadtowardstheguys.Lukespotsmeon

thewayandIcanseetheawkwardnessalready.“Hey,canItalktoyou?”Iaskhim.

“Yeah,sure,”hesaysandputshishandsinhispocketsandwalkswithmeaswegoovertothe

othersideoftheshop.Walkingaway,wecanstillseethegroup,andIpayparticularattentionto

Nixon.He’ssohotandconfident,he’slaughingwithSethanddoesn’tgiveLukeormeasecondlook.

Butthat’sthethingaboutNixon—he’snotfazedbyotherguys.HetruststhatI’llgetthisdone,ashe

should.

Forcingmyselftolookaway,ItellLuke,“Firstoff,Inevermeanttohurtyou.”

“I’msureyoudidn’t.”He’sstilldistantandclearlyhurt.

“Pleasedon’tmakethisawkward,”Itellhim.

“No,Cam,you’vedonethatallonyourown.”Hefinallylooksatme.Icanseethepaininhis

eyes.

“Ididn’tmeanto.”

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“Whywouldyougetbackwithhimaftereverythinghedidtoyou?”

“Luke,haveyoueverbeenwithsomeonewhowhenyou’retogethermakesyoufeelalive?”

“Justyou.”

“Comeon,wehookeduponceintheheatofthemoment.Imeantapastgirlfriend.”Heshakes

hisheadandIdon’tknowwhattosaytohim.“Well,Nixonisthatguyforme.”

“Mayberightnowheis,buthe’snotinitforthelonghaul.

“Luke,you’reentitledtoyouropinion,butIdon’tneedtojustifytoyouwhyI’mwithhim.”

“Maybeyoudon’t.ButIcareforyouandonlywantwhat’sbestforyou.”

“AndIappreciatethat,Ireallydo,butyoucan’tcareforme,morethanafriend.”

“Whynot?There’ssomethinggoingonbetweenus.Iknowyoufeelittoo,andI’mtiredof

sittingbackandwaitingforyoutomakethenextmove.”

“Luke,ussleepingtogetherwasahugemistake.Weweredrunkandmadeabetthatledfrom

onethingtothenext.You’remyfriendandsomeoneIcarealotabout,nothingmore.”Heshakeshis

headandlooksupattheraftersonthebuilding.“It’sokay,Cam.Youdon’tneedtolieanymore.”

“I’mnot,Luke,you’re…you’relikeabrothertome.”

“Wouldyousleepwithyourbrother?”heasksme.

“Itwasamistake,andI’msorrythatyouthoughtIwantedmore.”

Hiseyebrowscontortasheprocessesmywords.“Youcandenyitallyouwant,butI’vefeltit

forawhilenow,andIknowyoudotoo.Ican’thelpbutthinkifhewasn’tbackthatyou’dgiveinto

me.”

“Luke,I’mnotdenyinganything,I’mbeingonehundredpercenthonest.You’reasweetguy.

Youreallyare,butI’mmeanttobewithNixon.”

“That’samistake.He’sgoingtoflakeoutandbreakyourheartagain.He’llhurtyoulikehedid

before,thenwhat?”

“ThenIguessyoucantellme,‘Itoldyouso.’”

“That’snotgoodenoughforme,don’tyougetwhatI’msaying?I…Ihavefeelingsforyou,

realfeelings.Iloveyou,Cam.”

“Youdon’tloveme,Luke.Youlovethethoughtofustogether.Don’tletyourheadgetyou

carriedawaywithwhat’snotreal.I’msosorry,Ireallyam.”

“Whenhebreaksyourheart,Cam,don’tcomecryingtomeaboutit!”Hestormsoff,angry,and

IcatchNixonglaringathim.

“Youguysready?”Lukeyellstothegroupandtheyallheadoutonhiscue.

WalkinguptoNixon,hekissesmycheekandsays,“Didn’tgosowell?”

“No,notatall,andnowI’vegottatellGuy.”

“Hewon’tcare,youknowthat.”NixonandIwalkoutandGuyshoutsovertousfromhiscar,

“Hey,whydon’tweallrolltogether?”Weclimbintheback,SethisalreadyinsideandLukeissilent

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upfront.IknowNixonwillbepissed—hehadotherplansforthedrive.

PilinginnexttoSeth,Idon’tsaymuchandfeelliketheoddmanoutastheygetlostintheir

ownconversation.

“Sohowdidyoutwooriginallymeet?”SethasksmeandIlookoveratNixonwaitingforhim

torespond.

“Wegrewuptogether.”

“YouseemtohavegottenpastthehatredthatCamoriginallyhadwhenyoucameback.”

Nixonsmilesatme,clearlythinkingthesamethingthatIam…ifheonlyknew.“WhatcanIsay,

I’mhardtoresist,”hesaysandplaceshishandonmythigh,clearlyvisibletoSeth,andIdon’tdare

putastoptoit.

Luketurnsthemusicup,butSethcatchesrighton,smilingatmewithgladnessandaffection.I

wasclosestwithhimbeforeNixoncameback,soheonlywantstoseemehappyinlife,andI’ve

neverbeenbetterthanthewaythingsarebetweenNixonandmecurrently.

***

“Heybaby,”Nixonsays,waitingformeasIexitthebathroom,tipsy.Hepushesmeintothe

corner,hislipsareonmine,andIsurrender.AsmuchasIlikehangingoutwiththeguys,well,

everyoneminusLuketonight,I’vemissedmyandNixon’salonetime.

“God,Iwantyou,”hesaysthroughakiss,hisforeheadrestingagainstmine,andIclosemy

eyesbreathinghimin.

“Let’sgo,”Itellhimandheshakeshishead.

“Wecan’t,you’vegottatellGuyfirst.”

“I’vetriedandeverytimeItalk,Lukecutsmeoffordragshimaway,likeit’sagameandwe

arebothvyingforhisaffection.Ishouldn’tbepunishedlikethisbecauseLukehasacrushonme.”I

pushpastNixonandhepullsmeback,laughingatmyantics.“Staycalm.You’redrunk,andsoishe.

FinishyourgameofpoolandgetGuyaside,thenwe’llgetoutofhere.”

Slowly,Inodandhetakesmyfaceintohishand.“Ican’twaittofuckyou,Cam.”

“JesusChrist!”Guysays,roundingthecorner,andNixonletsgoofme.

Whelp,nowheknows.

“Areyoutwofucking?”Myfaceturnsbeetred.“Forreal!”heblurts,“DoesLukeknowabout

thisshit?”

Nixonisquiet,lettingmehandlethis,andIsaytoGuy“Yeah,heknows.”

“Andhe’scoolwithit?”

“Notexactly.”

“Youknowhe’sinlovewithyou,right?”

“OhmyGod,hetoldyoutoo?”IshoutandNixonholdsmebackinthecornerasIwanttogo

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andyellatLukeforprofessinghisloveofmetoeveryone.

“Don’t.Wait‘tilyou’rebothsober.”

“Howlonghasthisthingbeengoingon?”Guyquestionsus.

“Idon’tknow.”Mywordsareslurredandtheroomisstartingtospin.IleanonNixon,just

wantingtogohomeandhesaystohim,“Notlong,we’vebeentryingtotellyouallnight,butLuke’s

beenkeepingyouaway.”MyeyesareheavyandNixonsays.“IthinkIshouldgetherhome.”

“Forsure,man.”

Wewalkaroundhimandhesaystous,“Forwhatit’sworth,I’mreallyhappyforyouboth.”

Igobackandgivehimahug,Nixonbumpshisfist,thenweslipoutthefrontandthankfully

findawaitingcab.Climbingintheback,IrestmyheadonNixon’schestasherunshisfingers

throughmyhair.Thesafetyofhisarmsaroundmeputsmerighttosleep.

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Chapter22

Nixon

AsIwatchCameronsleepingsopeacefully,hernakedbodyiswoundaroundthesheetsofmybed.

Theafternoonsunshroudshereverycontour,andIsimplyliehereandadmireher.Hopefulthatwhen

shewakesup,she’llfeelgood.

Whenwegothomelastnight,shewasfuckedup.IttookeverythingIhadtoconvincehertonot

throwup.IgothertosiponsomewaterandtakesomeTylenol,soIhopeherhangoverisn’ttoobad.

HerphonevibratesagainonthenightstandandIhopewhenshewakesup,she’snotstressed

abouteverything,nowthatit’salloutintheopen.

Iwanthertonotbeworryingabouteverythinglikeshewas.She’sdonethatenoughinlife,

especiallyaftereverythingIputherthrough.

Gently,Itrailmyfingersdownherback,notabletoholdbackfromtouchingheranylonger.

Shemovesforthefirsttimeallmorning,andIkisshersoftlips.Slowlysheblinksafewtimes,

lookingatme,tired,andIaskher,“Howareyoufeeling?”

“BetterthanIthinkIshould.”

“Good.”

Shestretchesandasksme,“Whathappenedlastnight,dideverythinggookay?”

“Youdon’tremember?”Sheshakesherheadandreachesforthewateronhernightstand.Ipass

ittoherandsay,“Guycaughtustogether.”

“Ohfuck,beforeItoldhim?”

“Yup.”

“WhataboutLuke,didhesee?”

“What’sthatmatter?”

“True,”sheagreesandgrabsherphoneasitvibratesthentossesitonthebed.“Whoisit?”

“It’sGuy.He’sfreakingoutsayingIneedtotalktoLukeandmakeshitright.Why?WhydoI?I

triedandhegotpissed.Ididn’taskforthis.”

“Iknowyoudidn’t,baby.”Takingherphone,Ipressdownonthepowerbuttonandweboth

watchthescreenturnblack.“See?Nowyouhavenothingtoworryabout.”

ShepullsmeontopofherandIsettleinmyfavoritespot,rightalongherbody.Myshaft

throbbingforherasshekissesmeandIletherdowhatshewants.Grindingmyselfintoher,she

urgesherhipstowardsmeandIpullthesheetbacksoweareskintoskin.Notlettinganotherminute

goby,Iconnectourbodies.“God,Iloveyourpussy.”

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“Thenfuckme.”Istarttomove.MyasscheekstighteningasIattempttocontrolmyself.She’s

sotight,mycockpumpsinherdeeplikeshelikes.Islowdownandshetakesherhands,pushingme

on.Lookingather,she’sfrustrated,obviouslywantingitfastandhard.Igrabbothofherarmsand

pinthemaboveherhead.ShemoansandIholdherarmswithonehandandtakeoneofhertitsout

andrightintomymouth,nippingandplayingwithherhardnipple.“Ohfuck,”shewhineswrithing

beneathmeasshestilltriestogetmetomovefaster.She’ssuchafreak.

ButIholdherstill,teasingherandonlygiveherslow,longpumps;hertightpussyhasmyteeth

grinding.“Fuckme!”sheyellsandItellher,“Ohyeah,whydon’tyoufuckme!?”

ShefightsagainstmeandIletherflipmeover,hernakedbodysosexyasshekneelsaboveme

andglidesdownonmydick.Immediately,shebobsupanddown,myfingersdiggingintoherthighs,

hertittiesbouncing,andherstomachredandsweaty.She’ssofuckinghot,ridingme,breathlessand

naked,thatIdon’tthinkIcanholdmycummuchlonger.

Pushingmyheadintothepillow,Ifightthefeeling,gettinglostinherbeauty.Shehashereyes

closed,moaning,enjoyingwhatshe’sdoingtome,andImovemyeyesdownherbodyasshefucks

me.Thenshesqueezesmyshaft,andrightthen,shetakesmyorgasm,likeit’shers,pushingmeover

theedge.MycumfillsherbeforeIcanevengrunt,andIgripherbody,unleashingmyselfintoher,

fuckingherhard.Shespiralswithme,quivering,fallingforward,hereyesshutasIgiveherthesame

pleasureshegavetome.

Stillmilkingmysloppydickinandoutofher,sheasksme,“ShouldIcallhimandtryagain,

justtogetitoverwith?”

“DoyouhavetobringLukeupwhileI’mstillhard?”

“It’sbotheringme.”

“ForgetaboutLukeandallthatbullshit.Yourphoneisalreadyoffandwedon’thaveshittodo

today.Let’senjoyit.”

“Whatshouldwedo?”

“Idon’tknow,I’mcoollyingaroundandfuckin’.”Shelooksatmewiththebiggestsmileon

herface.“Youknowwhat?Iactuallyhaveanidea,”Itellher.

“Yeah?”

“Ido,getdressed,”Itellher,“andI’llshowyou.”Ipullmycockfromhersweetpussy.

“Ihopeitinvolvesfood,”shegripesasshetrudgesintothebathroom.

***

“OhmyGod,Nixon,Ihaven’tbeenheresince…”shetrailsoffandthensays,“IfConnerfinds

outwecameherewithouthim,he’sgonnabepissed.”

“Oh,he’llbefine.Thefoodontheshipisn’tthatbad.Plus,he’llbehomeprettysoonandwe

cantakehimhereeverydayifhewants.”

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Shesmilesaswesitinsideofthetinydinerthatweusedtohangoutinafterschoolallthetime.

TheyhavethebestgreasyfoodintownandIcantellthatshe’shangingandneedsthepickmeup.

“Whatchathinkingabout?”Iaskasshestaresoutthewallofwindows.

“WhatdoyouthinkConner ’sgonnaendupdoing?”

“Whatdoyoumean,babe?”

“Afterthistour,youthinkhe’llserveanotheroneandkeepriskinghislife?Imean,Icouldn’t

imaginedoingsomethingthatputmeatriskeveryday.”

Ichuckleathercomment.“Youdo.Everydayyoujumpoutofthathelicopter,youarerisking

yourlife.”

“Butit’snotthesame.I’mjumpingintotheoceanwithprotectivegearandIhaveacapablecrew

abovemethatwouldneverletanythinghappentome.”

“Connerdoesthesamething.Thesituationshegoesinto,yeah,theyaredangerous,buttheyare

morethoughtoutandplannedthanwhatyoucouldevenimagine.”

“I’mworriedabouthim.Imisshim.”

“I’msureyoudo,buthe’ssmart.He’llbeokay,Ipromise.”

Shesmilesandorderswhenthewaitresswalksup.Ihateseeingherstressabouthim.I’lldo

anythingIcantoeaseherworriesandmakehersmile.

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Chapter23

Cameron

“You’renotgonnasurf?”IaskNixonasIwakeupfromzonkingoutonthebeach.Thehotsuncalms

me,warmingmefromtheinsideout.“Nah,I’mgoodrighthere,”hesaysandleansdownkissingme.

ThenIlookoutatthewavesastheycrashontotheshore.

“HowlongwasIout?”Iask.

“Notlong,maybethirtyminutes,”hesaysandpullsmeclosetohim.Layingmyheadonhislap,

Iloveitwhenheholdsme.

“Whatdoyouwanttodotonight?”Iask.

“Idon’tcare.”

“Icancookforyoursexyass?”Iaskhim.

“Onlyifyoumakemelobster.”

“Isthatreallyallyouliketoeat?”

“Thatandyou.”

Ichuckleandhecupsmycheek,stilllookingoutatthewater.“Yougood?”Iask,sensinga

strangevibe.

“Absofuckinglutely.Whyyouask?”

“You’renotsurfin’.”

“Iwasenjoyingmytimewithyou—watchingtheocean—thinking.”

“Okay,”Itellhimlovinghowsweethe’sbeen.“Doyouhaveasteamer?”

“Forclothes?”

“No,silly,forthekitchen.”

“Nah.I’vegotlikeafewpotsandpans,Ithink.”

“Well,ifI’mcookingforyou,thenit’sgonnabeatmyhouse.”

“That’scool,Iloveyourplace.”

“Youdo?”

“Yeah,Imeananywhereyouare,I’mgood.”

“Metoo.”Itellhimandthenask,“Doyouwannacooldowninthewater?”

“Sure,baby.”

Webothgetupandwalkhandinhanddowntotheedge.Thewaveshitourfeetandaswe

continueon,heliftsmeup,cradlingmybodyagainsthischest.Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckand

lethimcarrymeintotheocean.Inthismoment,rightnow,everythingisperfect.Gettingbackwith

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himiswhatIalwaysdreamedwouldhappen.EvenwiththeguiltsuspendedovermyheadthatI’ve

hurtLuke,knowingthatNixonandIaresolidandnothingisgoingtochangethat,issettling.And

what’sbestofall,IcanseetheoldNixonshiningthrough.Dayafterday,I’mgettingglimpsesofthe

manIlost.ThemanIthoughtI’dnevergettohaveasecondchancewith,andnow,hereweare,with

nothingbutacleanslateaheadofus.

***

“Comeon,Nix,themarketclosesinfifteenminutes,”IholleroutasIbucklethestraptomy

sandal.Hecomesoutoftheclosetpullingat-shirtoverhisheadandsays,“Don’tbeanag.It’snotthe

onlyplaceintownthatsellslobsters.”

“Itisifyouwantthemfreshfromtheoceantoday.Trustme,thoseotherplacespacktheminthe

tanksandkeep‘eminthereforweeksanditmakesthemtastestrange.Now,webothknowhowmuch

ofaseafoodsnobyouare,solet’sgo.”

“Fairenough,”hesaysslidingonhisflip-flopsandgrabbinghisbagofworkclothesthathe

packedfortomorrow.

“Let’sgo,youdiva!”hehollersatmeandIgrabmyphonewithasmile,lovinghisgoofiness

andrunofftowardshim.“Andyouwereyellingatme?”hesaysasIbreezepasthimandhopinhis

truck.

Onthedrive,heasksme,“Whatareyoumakingforsides?”

“Iwasthinkingofmashedpotatoesandasparagus.”

“Pleasenoasparagus,”hesays.

“Why?Youusedtoloveit.”

“Yes,keywordsbeing,‘usedto.’Forsomereasonitwassomethingthattheyalwaysservedon

theshipandaftereatingifforsomanyyearsstraight,I’mdone.”

“Istillcan’tbelievehowlongyouweregonefor.”

Helooksoveratme,hisexpressionplaguedwithpainashesays,“I’msorryagainfor—”

Icuthimoff,“Don’tbe,”Itellhim,“Idon’twanttoliveanymorelookingback.Iwanttomove

forwardandtakethingsastheycome,likewehavebeen.Onemomentatatime.It’sworkedthisfar,

right?”

“Right,”heagreesandgrabsmyhand,wantingtotellmemore,butclearlyit’stheregretofthe

pasteatinghimupandheneedstoletitgo.

“Comeon,let’sgosnagyousomelobsters.”Hesmirksandwehopout,runninginandpicking

theperfectlobstersbeforetheplacecloses.Thenonthewaybacktomyplace,westopatagrocery

storetogeteverythingelseweneedfordinner.

Afterwecheckout,heloadseverythingintohistruckandseemsperfectlycontentasweheadto

myplaceforourfeast.Nixonparksonthestreetinfrontofmycondoandgrabseverythingbefore

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weheadin.Ismirklookingbackathisarmssofull,buthe’sdeterminedlikethat.Hewouldn’tletme

takeinasinglething.

Ashesetseverythingdowninthekitchen,IbegintounpackthebagsandwhenIfindwhathe

boughtforhisside,Iliterallylaughoutloud.“Seriously,”Iyell,holdingupthedelicontainerof

imitationlobsterpastasalad.

“Awwyeah,Cam,fuckyes,I’mserious.”Hetakesitoutofmyhandandgrabsafork.“Don’t

knockituntilyou’vetriedit.”

“Itlooksgross,andyouknowthatlobster ’sfake,”Itellhimasheliftsaforkfultomymouth.

“Justeatit.”

Iobligehisrequestandeventhoughitlookshideous,itreallyhassomeflavor.“It’sgood,

huh?”heasks

“Yeah,it’snotbad.”

“See,toldyaso.It’slikeabook—youcan’tjudgeitbyitscover.”

“Lookatyougettingallpoeticandshit.”

Hespanksmeandthenopensabottleofwinethathemust’veslippedinattheendofthe

shoppingtrip.AsIdicethepotatoes,hepoursuseachaglass,thenhandsmemineandliftshis.“Toa

wonderfuldinnerwithmyamazinggirl.”

Weclinkglasses.ThenasItakeasip,Ipullouttheboxofcakemix.Nixonoglesitandsays,

“God,howdoyouknowmesowell?”

“Uh…chocolateandlobster…it’snotthathard.”

Hekissesmeandsays,“HowcanIhelp?”Idirecthimwhattodo,butIcan’tshakeLukefrom

mymind,Ifeelbad…Ireallydo.SoIaskNixonasIpreparethecake,“WhydoyouthinkLukeis

actingthewayheis?Weweresuchgoodfriends,Idon’tgetit.”

“It’syourpussy,Cam.It’safuckinggoldmine.It’llmakeamandocrazyshit.”

“Shutup,”Itellhimandgazeintohiseyes,buthe’snotjoking.

“See,thisiswhyyoudon’tsleepwithyourfriends.”

“Isleptwithyouwhenyouweremyfriendandlookwherewearenow.”

“I’mtheexceptiontotherule.”Hecupsmyfaceandasksme,“Doyouwannaknowasecret?”

“Sure.”Inuzzlebackagainsthispalmandlookintohisclearblueeyesashesaystome,“When

Iwasgone,everysingletimeIjerkedoff,allIthoughtaboutwasyou.”

“Really?”I’mshocked.Theconfessionasrawasitis,issofuckingsweet.

“Uh-huh.”

Slidingtothefloor,Ikneelinfrontofhimandunziphisshorts.HiscockishardandIlickmy

lips,strokinghimbeforeImakeamove.Hereachesdownandtakesoneofmynipplesinbetweenhis

fingersandthensaystome,“Yougonnasuckmerealgood?”

Idon’tanswerwithwords,insteadIdipmyfingerintothebowlofcakebatteranddrizzleiton

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hisshaft.Thenrespondwithmylips,shapingthemsecurelyaroundhim,andeagerlyeathimandthe

sugarysweetnessup.Tastingeverybitofhishardcock,whileIpossessandowneverysinglesecond

ofourtimetogether.

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Chapter24

Nixon

Cameronsucksmedry,swallowingeverylastdropofcum.Lickingherlips,shepullsawaysatisfied,

assheshouldbe.Thensheslowlyremovesherpanties,tossingthembacktomeandIplacethemin

mypocket—they’remine;she’snevergettingthemback.

Mycockisstillhard,eagertogetinsidehersweetcunt.Iliftherdress,lookingbeneathitather

assasshebacksuponme.Standingup,Isliprightinsideherandshegaspsfromthefullness.

Fuck!

Idon’tmove,lettingherworkme.Myhandsarebeneathherdressbracingherhips,guiding

her.Squeezinghersides,shegripstheothercountertop,andImoveherfaster,butsuddenlyshestops.

“Don’t,”shebreathes,“orI’llcome.”

“Seehowitfeels?”

However,Ican’tstopmyself—she’smoaningandIcan’treachtocoverhermouth.AsIpullout

ofher,shestandsupandherdressfallsintoplace.IliftherupandtossherontothefirstsurfaceIsee.

Shelaughsasshelandsonthecouch,lookingupatmewithherlegsslackedtothesides,andIyank

herhipsoverthearmandslambackintoher.

“OhGod!”shecriesout,andIfuckherhard.Movingsoquicklymyballssting.Shewrithes

undermycontrol,mycockgivingherbodypleasure.Ibegintosweatandtearmyt-shirtoffabove

myhead.

“Youlikebeingfuckedhard?”

“Yes,Nixon!”shecriesoutandthensays,“Rightthere,don’tstop.”

HereyesarefixatedonmineandI’mlostinhers,watchingthewaytheyconstrictandexpandas

shepreparestoletgo.Butwhenshedoes,sheclosesthem,andmynameexpelsfromherlips.The

simplesoundofitalonecausesmetoletgo,anotherfastandhardorgasm.ThisiswhatCameron

doestome.

Withmycockstillinsideher,Ileandownandkisshertenderly.“Thatwassogood.Thankyou,”

Itellherandshenods.“Youokay?”Iask.

“Yeah,I’mexhaustedanddon’tfeellikecookinganymore.Thatwassogood.”

“Youwannaorderin?”Iaskherandreadjustmyselfbackintomyshorts.

“Ifyou’reokaywiththat.”

“I’mcoolwithwhateveryouwant,babe.”Iturnthewateroff,stillboilingonthestove.“Butyou

stillhavetobakemycake.”

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Lookingoutside,it’sstartingtorain.Igrabourglassesandthewinebottle,bringingthemtothe

couch.AsIhandherstoher,sheflipstheTVonandthereisbreakingnewsoftwonewstormsthat

aredevelopingoffthecoastofAfrica.BothareprojectedtoheadrighttowardsFlorida.

“Surfingshouldbeepic,”Itellherandsitdownwithasmileonmyface,pullingherfeetonto

mylap.Isearchmyphoneforwhatwecanorderin.

“That’soneplus,butworkwillsuck.”

“Yeah?”Iquestionher,nothavinggonethroughastormbeingintheCoastGuardyet.

“Yeah,itsucksworkingintheweather,andwegetsomanymorecalls.”

“Well,atleastwegettodoittogether,”Itellher.

“That’strue,butLukewillbethere,andGod,Ihopehedoesn’tmakethingsawkward.”

“He’llbefine;givehimafewdays,”Itellher,hatinghowstressedhemakesher.Hebetternot

makeshitawkward,‘causeifhedoes,I’llsethimstraight,that’sfordamnsure.I’mdonelivingwith

regrets.Ididthatshitforfartoofuckinglong.Heneedstobeamanandstopactinglikeafucking

baby.

***

“Onapositivenote,atleastwegettodriveintoworktogethernow.”

Camerongivesmeasmallsmile,hertypicalpositivityinthemorningsisgone.Replacedwith

thestressofseeingLuke.“Babe,don’tlethimbringyoudown.”

“I’mtrying,”shesaysandgetsoutofmytruckaswewalk.Takingmyhand,Iwrapitaround

hers,andshelooksdownatourintertwinedfingers,thenstops.“Doyouhavetorubitin?”sheasks

me.

“I’mnotrubbinganythingin.I’mjustnothidingwhatweare.”

Sheacceptsmyanswerandwecontinueon.Idon’tletherhandslipfrommyhold,andwalking

in,Icansenseeveryonelookingatus.I’vegottoadmit,itfeelsfuckinggood.Rightaway,IspotGuy

andLuketalking,andwhenLukeseesus,hebails,headingoutsidetothehelicopter.

Seriously?

Cameronletsgoofmyhand,andaswewalkuptoGuyhesaystous,“Didyoureallyhaveto

walkinholdinghands?”

“Whatdidyouexpectustodo?”IaskGuy,alittlepeevedthatLukeisactinglikesuchabitch.

“He’ssensitive,youbothknowthat.Don’tthrowitinhisface.”

“I’lltalktohim,”Camsaysandwalksoff,headingrighttowardsLuke.

“What’dhesay?”IaskGuy,hopingthatmaybeIcangetareadonthingstosquashthisbullshit

onceandforall.

“He’sbrokenup,man.”

“Idon’tgetthat.Sheneveractedlikeshewasintohim.”

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“Butshesleptwithhim.”

“Hetoldyou?”I’malittleagitatedbythisrevelation,butIguessit’snosecret.

“Yeah.Idon’tknowwhattodo,Nixon,butIcantellyouthis:ourteamisgonnacrumblefaster

thanyoucanblinkifwedon’tmakethisright.”

IscoffatGuy,“Imean,onelapseinjudgmentandnowhe’sheadoverheels.Seemsalittlecrazy

tome.He’stheonedoingthis,notme.IfyouexpectmetonotactlikeI’mwithCam,forthesakeof

him,it’snotgonnahappen.”

“No,man,that’snotwhatI’masking.Couldyakeepthingscoolandmaybenotrubitinhis

face?”

“Ofcourse,”IrespondasCameronstormsbackovertouspissedoff,herfaceredassheshakes

herhead.“He’slikeafuckin’child,”sheblurtsout.

“Whathappened?”Iask,agitated,watchinghimthroughthewindshieldashesitsinthecockpit.

“He’sbeingafuckingbitch.”

“Whoa,whythelanguage?”Mackasks,walkinguptothethreeofus.

“Nothing,it’snothing,”CameronshrieksandasIstandhere,Ifindmyfistsclenchedatmy

sidesandmyeyesonhim.Hewantstoactlikealittlebitch,thenI’llgivehimanasswhoopin’like

one.

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Chapter25

Cameron

“Doyouthinkit’sweirdIhaven’theardfromConner?”IaskNixon.

“No,babe,I’msurehe’sbusy.He’llcallwhenhecan.”

Inod,knowinghe’sright,andfillthedishwasherwiththedirtydishesfromourdinner.“Luke

seemedbettertoday,”NixonsaystomeandIrollmyeyes.

“Why,becauseheactuallysaid‘bye’whenwelefttonight?It’sbeenafuckingweek.Heshould

beoveritbynow,buthe’sstillactinglikehisdogdied.”

Nixonlaughsatmywords,andIshrugmyshoulders.“What?It’strue.”

“Iknow,itwasfunnythewayyousaidit.”

“Maybeweshouldputinforatransfer?”Isuggestandimmediatelyheshutstheoptiondown.

“Noway,”hesaysandIstartthedishwasher.Nixon’sphoneringsandhetellsme,“I’mnot

riskingusgettingsplitup.”Helooksatthescreen,thensays,“It’smyaunt.Hello?”heanswersand

nodshisheadashespeaks.“Yeah,Idon’tmindatall.Ofcourse,letmeknowhowthingsgo.Tellher

goodluck.Loveyoutoo.”

Hehangsupandsaystome,“Rhonda’swaterbroke,soshe’sheadedtothehospital,andmy

auntneedssomeonetowatchScoundrel.”

“Holyshit,thatdogisstillalive?”

“Ohyeah,andwait‘tilyouseehim,helooksexactlythesame.”

“Wegonnastaythere?”IaskNixon.

“Yeah,youcoolwiththat?”

“Ofcourse,Imean,wedidgrowupinthathouse,soit’llbeatimewarp,that’sforsure.”

“Ican’twaittofuckyouinherkitchenagain.”

Ismirkandwalkofftopackabag.Nixonyellsafterme,“I’mgonnatakemystufftothecar,

okay?”

“Sure,babe.”

AfterI’mallpacked,wemaketheshorttripinlandtohisaunt’shouseandthemomentheparks

histruckinfrontofher1970’s-styleretrohouse,I’mtotallytakenback.Nixonusedtospendallhis

timehere.Sincehisdadwasinthemilitary,hismomhatedtobehomealoneandbasicallymoved

themin.ConnerandIlivedattheendoftheblock.ConneralwayshadacrushonRhonda,butshewas

toooldforhim.

“DoyourememberwhenConnerbrokehisarmfallingoffhisskateboardouthere?”Iaskhim.

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“OhmyGod,hescreamedlikeagirl,”hesaysandwebothbustoutlaughing.

Gettingoutofthetruck,Ilookupatthehouse,wheresomanymemoriesfromourchildhood

tookplace.WewalkuptothefrontdoorandNixonstoopsdowntoliftasmallplant,wherehisaunt

stillleavesakey.Heopensthedoorafterstrugglingwiththelockforlikefiveminutes.Thelittledog

greetsuswithanexcitedlook,andNixonwasright,helooksthesame.“Hey,buddy,”Isaytohimand

leandown,pettinghisstragglyfur.HesitshisbuttrightdownandNixonscratcheshisheadtoo,then

goesintothekitchen.“Youhungry,Scoundrel?”hecallsoutandIleadhimintowhereNixonisashe

fillshisbowlwithafreshcupoffood.

Lookingaround,Ican’tbelievehowidenticaleverythingis.Stilltothisday,itisthesameasit

wasthelasttimeIwashere.“Shehasn’tchangedathing.”

“No,shereallyhasn’t,”herespondsandliftsmeup,settingmeonthekitchenisland.Withmy

armslockedaroundhisneck,Ismile,gazingathim,andhesaystome,“CanIfuckyounow?”

“Uhhuh.”Ashebeginskissingmyneck,Ileanback,bracingmyweightonmyarms.Hislips

warmme,andasItakeahandreachingdownforhiscock,Scoundrelbarksatus,alreadydone

eating.Westopkissingandstareatthetinydog,whichapparentlythinksheneedsattention.

“Well,IguessI’llhavetofuckyoulater,”Nixonsaysandthenasksthedog,“Doyouwannago

forawalk,buddy?”HiswordsturnScoundrelintopsychodoggyashedartstothefrontdoorand

staresathisleashthatishangingbyit.

“Youcoming,beautiful?”heasksmeasIstandinhisaunt’shome,aplacethatholdssomany

memories,somanytimeswhenthingsweresomuchsimpler.

***

“Wakeup,baby,”Nixonsayskissingmyshoulderandsqueezingmyass.I’mgroggy.Ididn’t

sleepwell,andasItaketheroomin,Irememberwhy.Thebedinhisaunt’sspareroomisso

uncomfortable.

“Whattimeisit?”Iask,lookingoveratafreshlydressedNixon.

“It’ssixsomething.”

“OhmyGod,whyareyouup?”

“Ihadtotakecareofthedogandwantedtotakeyousomewheretoday.”

“Thisearly?”

Henods,givingmesuchasexylook.HowcanIsayno?I’drobabankwithhimifhewantedto.

“Where?”Iaskhimandstretch,tryingtopushawaytheexhaustion.

“CanIshowyou?”

“Canyoutellme?”Heleansdownandkissesme.“Twooptions:wecaneitherstayinandfuck

allday,oryoucancomewithme.”

Asgoodashislipsfeelonmine,Ihavetogetup.“Ineedoutofthisbed.It’sterrible.”

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“Comeonthen.”Hetakesmyhandandhelpsmestand.“I’llmeetyouinthekitchen,”hesays

andwalksoff.Igetdressedtryingtothinkofwhathecouldwanttodotoday,andIcan’tthinkof

anythingaroundhere.Imean,maybesurfingatourfavoritebeach,butwedon’thaveourboardswith

us.

“Makesureyouhaveyourswimmingsuiton.”

“Arewegoingtothebeach?”Icalloutandhesays,“Nope.”

Pullingmydressbackoffovermybreasts,Iputmysuitonandthenbrushmyteethandgofind

Nixoninthekitchen.Whenheseesme,heexcitedlysays,“Areyouready?”

“Uhhuh,”Itellhim,wonderingwhatintheworldhasgottenintohim.Hehandsmeacoffeeand

dropsafewbonesinScoundrel’sbowlbeforewebolt.Ifeellikehe’sliterallydraggingmeoutofthe

house,andaswedriveaway,Iaskhim,“What’swiththebighurry?”

“You’llhavetowaitandsee,baby.”

“What’sinhere?”Iask,peekinginsidethebrownpaperbagthatissittingonthecenterconsole.

“Breakfast.”

“Whoa,where’sNixon?Andwhoisthismanthat’scookingformeandrushingmearoundat

sixinthemorning?”

“Shutup,”heteasesme,“It’snothingbig,onlyabagel.”

GladlyIeatit,lookingoutatthetownaswedrivethroughit.Mybrainisworkingovertime,

tryingtopinpointwhereheistakingme.“Areyousurewearen’tgoingtothebeach?”

“I’msure,babe,Ipromise.”

It’snotlonguntilheparkshistruckinanunfamiliarlotandsays,“We’rehere.”

Idon’trecognizeanythingandaskhim,“Areyousureyoubroughtmehere,orwasitsomeone

else?”

“Wow,nowthat’scruel,”hesays.“WhoelsewouldIhavebroughthere?Itwasalwaysyou,

Conner,andI,remember?”

“Therewasthatgirl…whatwashername?SomethingwithanL…LeticiaorLaurel,whateverit

was…wasitwithher?”

“Wouldyougetthefuckoutofthetruckandfollowme?”hecutsmyspeculationshort,andI

watchasheyankshistightwhitetanktopoverhishead,hisblueeyeseatingmealiveashelooksat

methroughthethinfabric.Steppingout,thesandmixedwithgravelissoftandfeelsfamiliarbetween

mytoes.Ipullmydressovermyheadandtossitonthepassengerseat,followingNixon’slead,

wearingonlymysuit.Hewalksoffandlooksdownaravine,Icomeupbehindhimandoncemyeyes

focusinonthegorgeousturquoisewatersofthecoveandthelargerockthatisnestledaboveit,so

manymemoriesofbeingherecomefloodingbacktome.HowcouldIforgetthisplace?Weusedto

spendhourscliffdivinghere.“Yourememberitnow?”heasks,reachingformyhandandleadingme

overtothetopofthecliff.

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“Yes,rememberwhen…”

“Connerpretendedtodrown?”hefinishesmysentenceforme.

“Yes,whatwouldmakehimthinkthatwasfunny?”

“YouknowConner,babe,he’salwaysoutforagoodlaughandtogetariseoutofyou.”

Andheis…it’soneofthethingsthatIloveabouthimandmissmostabouthim.He’ssucha

goofball.Noonemakesmelaughharder.Aswereachtheedge,weeachtakeourflip-flopsoffand

tossthemdowntowhereyouclimbout,stillrememberingthewayweusedtodothings.Holding

Nixon’shand,withtheroughsurfacebeneathmytoes,hekissesme,cuppingmyface,andsaystome,

“Fallwithme,”thesamewayhealwaysusedto.

Idon’thavetoanswerhim,asheknowsmyanswer.Leaningintothefeelingofnothingness,the

gravityquicklytakesover,plummetingusintothewarmwaterbelow.Myfingersareknottedaround

hisuntiltheimpactofthewatertearsusapart.Aswecomeupforair,ourbodiesreconnectlikea

magnet.“NixonAndrews,Iwaswrongaboutyou…youknowthat?”

“Yeah?Whydoyousaythat?”

“Youareagentleman.”

“Nah,notme,”hesaysandgraspsthetopofmyheadwithhishand,pushingmyentirebody

underthewaterasheswimsaway.Thewatersurroundsme,stealingawaymyvisionandcontroland

asIcomeup,IspotNixonputtinghisflipsonandthendashinguptothetopofthecliff.He’scoming

backin,andasIscoottothesidewatchinghiscrazyassrunandjumpoff,hefliesthroughtheairlike

asuperhero.Beingbackhereisperfect.Ican’tbelieveIforgotaboutthisplace.Theonlything

missingisConner;hewouldlovetobefoolingaroundwithus.Nixon’sbodyhitsthelagoonhard,

andheswimsovertome,pullingmeclosetohimaswetreadwaterandgetlostinoneanother ’s

kisses.HetastessosweetandsmellsmoreamazingthanIcandescribe.

“Wannajumpagain?”heaskseagerly.Asweclimbout,it’sclearwhyhewassoanxioustoget

hereearly.Thisplacewasalwaysbusywhenwe’dcome,andnowhasgottobeevenmorepopular

thanwhenwewerekids.I’msureitwillbecrowdedwithtonsofpeoplebeforeweknowit.

IreachforNixon’shandashegoestohelpmeout,butIyankhimback,hard.Bracingmyfeet

ontherockatthewater ’sedge,hefliesintothecovefacefirst,andIscrambleoff,knowingthatifhe

catchesme,I’mscrewed.AsIrunuptothetop,myheartracesasheclosesinonme,andIdon’t

knowthatIcanthinkofahappiertimeweshared.Thiswasoneofthegreatestmemoriesweshared,

andIsuppresseditbecauseofthepainNixoncausedme.Butrelivingitagainwithhimmakesme

knowthatGoddoesgivesecondchancesinlife.Whatyoudowiththatsecondchance…thatisentirely

uptoyou.

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Chapter26

Nixon

AsniceasitwastogobackandreminiscewithCam,beingbackinthebubblewe’vecreated,feelsso

right.Wakingupinherbed,withmyarmswoundsecurelyaroundher,Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeen

happier.Ineverthoughtthiswouldhappenagain.Ifuckedthingsupsobadforus,tothepointwhereI

believedtheywereirreparable,butasIbreatheherin,myhardcockwantinginsideher,Iknowyou

can’tcontrolfate.

It’sacloudyday.Theimpendingstormsarepushinginatailwindofthunderstormstowardsus

astheygetcloserandcloser.Theskyisdarkandit’sfartooearlytobeawake,but…Idon’tsleep

anymore.IwatchCam.

Shemoans,wakingalittle,andwhenshepushesherassintome,Ireachdown,pressingmy

cockintohertightlittleslit.

“Mmmmm,”shewhines,andIshovemyselfintoherasfarasIcan.Thenweeachbeginto

move.Ourbodiesmatcheachother ’srhythm.Mydickglidessoeffortlesslyinandoutofher.I

squeezehertighterandsuckonthesensitiveskinofherneck.

Mythrustsgetharder,workinghermore.Andshepushesbackagainstme,rollingmeflaton

myback.Stillnestledinsideher,Iholdheraboveme.ShebalancesonherhandsandfeetandI

unleashafuryoffucking.Poundingher,ourskinslapstogether.Hercriesofpleasuremotivatemeto

continueon,andthefeelingI’vebeenworkingtowardshitsmehardandmyballsexplode.

Asherbodyfallsbackagainstmine,Idon’tstopmovingandhernoisespitch.Herentirebody

stiffensassheletsgo.Ipumphergood,makingsureshecomeshard,andwhenshesettles,weroll

backoverandIclosemyeyes,finallyfeelinglikeIcouldsleep.

“That’sthebestwaytowakeup.”

“Yeah,itis,”Irespond.

“Itlooksnastyoutsidetoday,”shesays.

“Ithinkthatstorm’scloserthanwerealize.”

“Butit’sstillprojectedtoveernorth,right?”

“Yeah,lastIheard.Whydon’tyouletmejumpinanddoanyrescuestoday,okay?”

Shehesitatesforasecondandthensaystome,“Idon’twanttoseeyouriskyourlife.”

“Comingfromthegirlwhosaidourjobisn’tdangerous.”

“Fine,youcanjump.It’sabouttimethatyougetyourfeetwet.”

Ikissthetopofhershoulder,happythatshe’slettingme.Shereleasesalongexhale,andIsense

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somethingisbotheringher.“What’sgoingthroughthatheadofyours?”

“Nothing,Iwasthinkingaboutbeingbackatyouraunt’s.”

“Didyoulikeit?”

Sheturnsinmyarmsandlooksatme.“Idid.Imean,anytimealonewithyouisgreat.Butitwas

reallygoodtogobackandseemyparents’oldhouseandrememberallthetimeswesharedgrowing

up.IwishConnercould’vecome,too.”

“We’llrunhimsoraggedwhenhecomeshome,he’sgonnahateus.”

“Yeah,wewill.”

Ikisshershoulderandsay,“I’mgonnashower.”

“‘Kay.”

AfterI’mdoneandgetdressedforwork,IfindCameroninthelivingroomonherlaptop.

“Connercall?”Iaskher.

“No,Iwascheckingtheconnection,sincewebroughtithomefromyouraunt’s…”Icanseethe

worryonherfaceasshegetsoffthechairandtracesthelinebacktothewall.

“He’sallright,babe,Ipromise.”

“Howdoyouknow?”

“‘CauseIwaswhereheis.I’dgomonthswithoutcallingmymomsometimes.Thatdoesn’t

meananythingiswrong.Hemighthaveanewmissionorbeswitchingships.You’reluckyhecalls

youasmuchashedoes.”

Shelooksupatmewithtearsinhereyes,andIpullherintome.I’mnotsureifshe’scrying

overConner,orthatIwasgoneaslongasIwasandnevercontactedher.

“He’sgood,babe.Bepositive,”Itellher.

Shenodsandsays,“Thanks,I’mgonnashower,”andwalksoff.Ilethergo,knowingshe’s

strong,andassoonasConnercalls,she’llknoweverythingisgood.

AfterIfinishmakingourlunchesfortheday,Ilookformyphoneandcan’tfindit.Imust’ve

leftitatmyaunt’s.Goingintothebathroom,CameronisintheshowerandIpeekmyheadin,

pinchinghernipple.ShejumpsasIscaredherandswatsmyhandaway,buthernormalsmiledoesn’t

follow.“Haveyouseenmyphone?”

“No,why?”

“IthinkIleftitatmyaunt’s.”

“Ihaven’tseenit,”shesaysandrinsesherhair.

“AreyoucoolifIrunovertherenowandgrabit?Scoundrelcouldprobablyuseabathroom

break.”

“Sure.”

“YoustillstressingaboutConner,babe?”Iaskher.

“I’mtryingnotto,butIfeellikesomething’soff.”

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“Letitgo,trustme.Ifsomethingwerewrong,someonewould’vecontactedus.”

Sheleansoverandkissesme.Ipinchhernippleagainbeforewalkingoffandsherollshereyes.

“Meetyouatwork,babe.”

Hoppinginmytruck,IheadacrosstownwishingmyauntwashomefromthehospitalsoI

couldjustcallherandseeifmyphoneisthere.Butshesaidmycousinwasn’tgettingreleased‘til

lateroninthemorning,soI’lljustgoandcheck.

Pullinguptoastoplight,Ican’tshakewhatCameronsaidtome.“Ifeellikesomething’soff.”

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Chapter27

Cameron

“So,what,nowyou’retalkingtome?”IaskLukeashewalksinandsays,“Goodmorning.”

“Ineverstoppedtalkingtoyou.”

“Right,”ItellhimandtextNixon,Mackjustcalledameeting,youbettergethere.

Iwaitforhimtorespond,buthedoesn’t,soIgointotheconferenceroomandtakeaseatnext

toGuy.“Hey,howwasyourweekend?”heasks.

“Good,you?”

“Good.IthinkMaceyandIaregonnagetadog.”

“Really?”Iaskhim,knowinghehatespets.

“Yeah,herco-workerismovingand—”

“Goodmorning,everyone,”Macksays,startingthemeeting,andI’mpissedthatNixonisn’t

hereyet.Thatwillbethelasttwomeetingshe’smissed.“So,Iwantedtodiscussthesetropicalstorms

headedtowardsus.WeallknowhowunpredictableMotherNaturecanbe,sowehavetobeprepared

foranything.Firstoff,TropicalStormLenaisexpectedtoheadnorthandnotcauseanyimminent

problemsordamagetoland.Althoughasyoulookoutsidenow,youcanseewe’realreadydealing

withrainandsomewind.Thatmeans,flightcrews,youmightgetgroundedifthingspickup,butlet’s

hopenot.Youallknowwhatyourhelicoptersarecapableof,andI’llhaveaverycloseeyeonthings

too.NextwehaveTropicalStormMelo,andthatisexpectedtohitalittlenorthofus.Now,these

thingsalwayschange,sofornow,Idon’twantanyonefreakingout.Letmeworryaboutthestorms.

Asforyouall,it’sbusinessasusual.Anyquestions?”

Nooneasksathing,andaswealldispersefromtheroom,MackstopsGuy,Luke,andI.

“Where’sNixonagain?”he’sagitated,andItellhim,“Hehadtorunanerrandthismorning.He’llbe

hereanyminute.”Mackwalksoffandweheadoutintotheshop.Theguysdon’tsayanythingtome,

andasweroundthecorner,IspotNixonpullingup.

Abouttime!Itexthimandwaitforhimtorespond,buthedoesn’t.SoIgrabthechecklistIneed

forourinventory.AsIturnandheadoutofthebay,Nixon’ssilhouetteisstandinginthedoorway.He

isfrozen,ourstareslockedoneachother ’s.Hiseyesareredandglassyashelooksatme.Something

iswrong.I’veneverseenNixonlikethis,andmyheartstartstopound,myinsidestighteninginfear.

Slowly,Iwalktohim,afraidthatthisishimleavingmealloveragain.OnceIreachhim,hesaysto

me,“It’sConner…I’msosorry,baby.”Iswallow,takinginhiswords.No.Whatishetalkingabout?

ButIcan’tseemtofindmyvoice,allIcandoisfocusonthesheerlookofagonythatplagues

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him.“He’s…he’sgone.”

“No,”Ishakemyhead,tearsbleedingdownmycheeksasIfallagainsthischest.Heholdsme

up,mystrengthdepleted,andIsoblikeachild,wailingashiswordspiercemyheart.

Nixontriestocalmmedown,shhhhingmeasIballmyhandsinfists,bangingthemonhis

chest.Thisisallhisfault,beingaSEALwashisidea.“Youlefthimthere,”Isobandmykneesgive

out.Heholdsmeup,crying,repeatingthewords,“I’msorry,”overandoveragain.

“What’swrong?”Guyasksandtouchesmyback.ButIcan’tevenanswerhim,allIcandois

shakemyheadrealizingthatmybrotherisgone.He’sfuckinggone!Ifeltitthismorninganddidn’t

wanttobelieveit…butmyworstnightmareisnowtherealityofmylife.

“Conner ’sgone,man,”Nixonsays,andIfighthimtoletmego,sohurt.Devastated.Inthe

process,Ifalltotheground.Nixonliftsmeupandcarriesmeaway.Hesitsmeinoneofthechairsin

Mack’sofficeandkneelsbetweenmylegs.

Ican’tbreathe.Fuck,Ican’tbreathe.

“Calmdown,Cam.Breathe,”hetellsme,buthisfaceisdistortedandasIstruggleforair,itgets

worse.Ilookathimandgasp.“You…you…you…”

“Shhhh.”Heholdsmyfacetightly,cuttingmeoff,andIlookforhimtomakethingsright,to

makeitbetter,tobringConnerback.Buthefuckingcan’t,andIcan’tquietthevoiceinmyheadthat

keepspointingthefingerathim.

Hesitswithme,lettingmecryandworkthroughthepain.Notlooseninguponthegriphehas

onmeatall.Myinsidesarenumb…partofmeisgone.Staringatthecorneroftheroom,IfeellikeI

belonginamentalinstitution.MybrainhurtssofuckingbadandfinallyIask,“Whathappened?”

needingtoknowhow.

“Nothere,let’stalkaboutitathome,”hetellsme.

There’salightknockonthedoor,andMackcomesinwithabottleofwater.“Sheokay?”he

asksNixonandheshrugshisshoulders.

SlowlyIlookatMackandhepassesmethewater,“Drinksomeofthis.”

Takingthebottlefromhim,itfeelslikeitweighsahundredpounds.“Whydon’tyoubothgo

homeandtakesometime?”Macksays.

“Thankyou,”NixonrespondsandMacktouchesmyshoulder,“Cameron,I’msosorryabout

yourbrother.IfthereisanythingthatIortheCoastGuardcandoforyou,pleasedon’thesitatetoask,

okay?”

InodandwatchMackwalkout.TheonlythingIneedismybrother.“Comeon,babe,let’sget

youhome,”Nixonsaysandinadaze,Istand,leaningonhimforsupport.Mylegsareweak,and

whenweexittheroom,Ilookandseeeveryonestandingalongthewall.Icanbarelymakeouttheir

faces.AsIwalkpasteveryoneofthem,theyeachstepforwardandhugme.I’mnotevensurewhat

theyareallsayingasIgetpasseddowntheline.TheroomisfuzzyandonceIfeelNixon’shandson

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me,Isaytohim,“Please,getmeoutofhere.”


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Chapter28

Nixon

Quietly,IcomeinfromCameron’sbackpatio,havingcalledherparentsagain,butstillI’mnotable

togetaholdofthem.I’mnotsurewhattodo.Sittingsoftlyonthechairnexttothesofa,she’sstill

asleepandIpraythatshedoesn’twakeup.Rightnow,sleepistheonlyplacethatsheisnotinpain.

Mymindisstillplaguedwiththeimagesofherbreakingdown,whenItoldherhowhepassed.

Shelostcontrolandfreakedout.I’veneverseenhersoupsetanditscaredtheshitoutofme.

Seeingherhurtlikethatwasterrible,andIcouldn’thelpbutfeelsomewhatresponsible.AllI

wanttodoistakeherpainaway,butIcan’t.Thatisoneoftheworstpartsaboutdeath—thereisno

rhymeorreasontoit.Itdoesn’twarnyou.Itdoesn’tletyoupickandchoose.Becauseifitdid,I’d

switchplaceswithConnerinafuckingheartbeat.

Butit’snotanoption,soIhavetobestrongforher,nomatterwhat.Eventhoughsheknewhe

riskedhislifeeveryday,youcanneverprepareyourselfforthemagnitudeofthiskindofloss.

Sayinggoodbyetoafamilymember,oranyonethatyoulove,isthehardestthingyoucould

everimagine,butwatchingthepersonyoucareaboutmostgrievewhenyouareinpainyourself…

andfeellikeyouhadahandinitall…it’sfuckingawful.

Closingmyeyes,Ican’timaginewhatConnerwentthrough.Theexplosionwassobadthat

therewasnothingleftofhimtorecover.AsobformsinmythroatandIleanmyheadbackreminding

myselftostaystrong…forCameron.

MyphonebuzzesandIlooktoseeamessagefromGuy,Howareyoutwoholdingup?

Icontemplatehowtorespond.Whatdoyoutellpeopleinatimelikethis?WhenIlostmydad,I

wassoangrythatIshuteveryoneelsearoundmeoff.That’sthebeginningofwhenIstartedtopush

Cameronaway.

Ifthereisanythingyouguysneed,letmeknow,hetextsmeagain.

Irespond,Thanks,Cameron’ssleeping.It’sbeenrough.

I’msorry,man.Pleasetellherweareallthinkingabouther.

Andyoutoo.hesendsmeinanothertext

Idon’trespond.Iknoweveryonefeelsterrible,butIalsocan’thelpthinkingthattheyblameme

abit.Hell,IblamemyfuckingselfandCamerondoestoo.Ishouldn’thavelostmytempersoI

could’vestayedwithConneranddoneanothertour.Ishould’veensuredhecamehomesafelytoher.

AndhadInotgottenkickedout,helikelywouldn’thaveswitchedtolandmissionsandbeenahellof

alotsaferoutontheship.Restingmyfaceinthepalmsofmyhands,theremorseistoogreatto

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handle,andIchokethroughanothersobthatIcan’tholdback.

Shakingmyheadbackandforth,strugglingtocatchmybreath,Camerontouchesmyarm,andI

lookatherthroughmyblurryeyes.“Comehere,”shesays,openingherarmstocomfortme,andI

slidealongthesofa,ourbodiesrestingchesttochest.

Ipushawaymypain,notwantinghertoseemelikethisandshesays,“I’msorryaboutearlier,

andhowupsetIgot.”

“No,babe,don’tapologizeforshit.Youhadeveryrighttoreacthowyoudid.You’refucking

right—Ican’thidefromthefactthatI’mtoblame.”

“No,Nixon!You’renot.Stopsayingshitlikethat.Iwasangryanddidn’tmeanwhatIsaid.”

“Youdon’tneedtogobackonhowyoureallyfeel,Cam.It’sthefuckingtruth.HadIstayed,he

wouldn’thavejoinedthelandmissions.Hewouldhavebeensaferontheship.”

“Howdoyouknowthat?Youthinkhetookyourspot?Thatyouweretheonlypersonwholeft?”

She’sright,therewerereorgseveryyear.Butthepain,theguilt,fuck…ithurts.Ifightbackthe

tearsasherphonevibrates.Immediately,Igrabitoffthecoffeetable,wonderingifit’sherparents.

“Whoisit?”sheasks.

“It’sLuke.”

“Don’tanswerit,Idon’twanttotalktohim.Didmyparentsevercallback?”

“No,andItriedthemacouplemoretimes,buttheirphoneskeepgoingtovoicemail.”

“God,they’regonnabesodevastated.Idon’tknowhowI’mgonnatellthem,”shesays.

“Icantellthem.”

“No,I’lldoit.Theyneedtohearitfromme.”

“Okay,”Itellherandherstomachgrowls.It’ssoloud.Wehaven’teatenanythingtodayandwe

needto.KissingherontheforeheadbeforeIgetup,Igolookinthefridge.

“I’mnoteatinganything,”shesays.

“Yes,youare.”

Ifindsomeleftoversfromourdinneroutlastnightandpoptheminthemicrowave.AsIstareat

thesecondsclickingdown,Cameronasksme,“Doyouthinkhesuffered?”

Bracingmyweightontheedgeofthecountertop,Idon’tevenwanttoimaginewhatthelast

secondsofhislifeentailed.“No,Idon’tthinkso,baby.”

Sheexhales,herhandsrestingonherstomachasshelooksupattheceiling.“That’sgood.

That’sgood.Aslongashedidn’tsuffer.”

Themicrowavedings,thenoisestartlingme,andItakethecontainertothecouch,handing

Cameronafork.Shelooksatitandcloseshereyes.“Ireallydon’twanttoeat.”

“I’msureyoudon’t,babe,butyouneedtogetsomefoodinyou.”

Shenodsandsitsup.Weeachtaketinybitesastherainpeltsagainstthewindows.Herphone

ringsagainandwhenthescreensays“Dad”onit,shedropsherfork.“Icandoitforyou,baby,”I

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offeragain,andsheshakesherheadansweringthecall.“Daddy,”shesaysthroughastrainedsob,and

Irubherback,wishingIcouldgiveherthestrengthtotellherparentsthatConnerisgone.

Unfortunately,nomatterwhatIwant,nothingisgoingtohelpher.Itjustwon’t.Hervoiceis

strained,everywordpainful.Andwhenthemessagesofblamestarttearingatmeagain,Itryto

remindmyselfwhatshesaidtome,toseeadifferenttruth.

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Chapter29

Cameron

I’veneverlostanyoneclosetomeuntilConner.AsIsitbacknestledinNixon’shold,theroomis

filledwiththevoicesofGuyandMacey,anditmakessensetomehowwhenyou’veneverlost

anyoneclosetoyouthatyoudon’tunderstandthemagnitudeofgriefuntilyouexperienceityourself.

IcantellNixonistryingtobepolite,talkingtothem,andI’mjustblah…notinthemoodto

visit.It’sbeenfivedaysandnothingseemstomatterortobeanydifferentwithhowIfeel.Theold

saying,“Timehealsallwounds”isn’thelpingme…atall.“Cam?Baby?”NixonnudgesmeandIlook

upathimslowly,likearobot.

“DoyouwantMaceytoheatupthecasseroletheybrought?”

“No,thanks.”Itrytosmile.

Guysays,“Wereallymissyouatwork.”

“Imissyou,too,”Itellhimandthenfeelmyselfdriftingoffagain.

“Babe?”Nixonsaysnudgingmeagain.Lookingdownatmyhandsinmylap,Ihavenoclue

whathe’stalkingabout.

“Huh?”

“They’releaving.”

Igetoffthecouch,standingtohugbothGuyandMacey.Guypullsbackandlooksmeinthe

eye;Icanseehowhardthisisforhim.“Anythingyouneed,pleaseask…okay?”Inodandheshakes

Nixon’shand,“RememberwhatIsaid.”BeforeIcanquestionhim…they’regone.

“Thatwasniceofthem,huh?”Nixonasksme.

“Yeah.”Iglanceoveratmyself,mystringyhairandpalereflectioninthemirrorlooksterrible.

“IthinkIwannatakeabath.”

“Okay,youwantaglassofwine?”

InodandleanintohislipsashekissesmebeforeIwalkoff.

Turningonthewater,Ibegintofillthebathandslipoutofmyclothes.Slidingintothecooltub,

waitingforittobefilled,Iclosemyeyes.I’msoexhausted,eventhoughallIdoissleep.Processing

thelossandgoingthroughthegriefismentallytaxing.Nixoncomesinwithalargeglassofwineand

sitsonthefloornexttome.

“Hereyougo,beautiful.”

“Thanks,”ItellhimasIadjustthewaterwithmytoes,makingitwarmer.

Herubsmycheekwithhisthumbandsays,“Itwasgoodtoseethem.”

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“Yeah,itwas.Ifeelbadthattheycan’tworkwithoutus.”

“Mackwillgetthemsomehelp.”

“When?Inlikeayear?”Irespond.

“Let’shopenot.Butthat’snotwhat’simportant.I’mworriedaboutyou.”

“I’mokay,Ireallyam.”Itellhim.

“CanImakeyouanythingtoeat,evensometoast?”

“Sure,”Itellhim,knowinghewon’tstopuntilIeat.Hesmilesandkissesmyforehead,then

leaves.Slidingfurtherdown,Ikeepcalm,remindingmyselftoonlythinkofgoodtimeswithConner.

Nothowhepassedorwhathewentthrough.

Takingasipofmywine,IhearNixonturnthenewsup.Itsoundsliketheyaretalkingaboutthe

nexttropicalstorm.Ashecomesinwithmytoastandmorewineinhand,Iaskhim,“Whatarethey

saying?”

“Soundslikeit’sexpectedtomakelandfallbythisweekend.”

Hesetsmyfoodontheedgeonthetubandthengetsundressed.“Scootforward,”hetellsme

andgetsinbehindme.MybodymoldsperfectlytohisasIleanbackagainsthimandhefeedsmea

biteoftoast.

StaringatthetilewallasIdrownthenoiseoftheTVout,Nixonsaystome,“Didyouwantto

goinandhavelunchwiththeguysthisweek?”

“Atwork?”

“Uhhuh.”

“Yeah,that’dbenice.”

“Itwill.”

“Maybewecouldhelpoutwiththestormtoo?”

“Youmeanwork?”

“Yeah.”

“Noway,”hesays,“It’stoosoon,”

“Sayswho?”Iaskhim,offended.“Icangoinandeatlunch,butIcan’tworkalittleifIwantto?

Nixon,ifI’velearnedonethingthroughallofthis,it’sthatyoucan’tputatimeframeongrief.I’m

probablygoingtofeellikethisforyears.”

“Comeon,babe,it’sonlybeenfivedays.”

“AndI’mstillinthesamefunkIwaswhenIfoundout.Nobetter.Maybekeepingbusywould

help?”

“Idon’tthinkit’sagoodidea,babe.”

“Well,youdon’tgettochooseonthisone.Likewhenyouleftme.Ididn’tthinkitwasagood

idea,butyoustilldidit.It’swhatConnerwouldwant.Hediedfightingforourcountry,andifastorm

isheadedrighttowardsourhometown,thenIwanttomakeadifference.Grievingornot.”

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Nixonholdsmetight,notrespondingtomyidea.He’stryingtoprotectme,Igetthat.ButifI

keeplyingaroundmoping,thennothingwillgetanybetterandIdon’twantthat.Iwanttomakemy

brotherproud.Iwanttobehappyandtomakeadifference,likeConnerdid.“Nixon,therearegoing

tobepeopleoutthereinthisstormthatwecouldsaveandbringhomesafelytotheirfamilies,sothey

don’thavetogothroughwhatweare.Yousaidsoyourselfthatyouwould’veswitchedplaceswith

Conner,soyou’vegottaunderstandwhatImean.”

“AndIdo,Cam,pleasedon’tthinkIdon’t.”HekissesthetopofmyshoulderandIturninhis

hold,gazingintohisclearblueeyes.“Iworrythatyouaren’tready.You’rebarelyeating;you’restill

processingeverything.Justgiveitafewmoreweeks.”

“Weeks?Noway.I’llstarteatingifthat’swhatyouwant.”

Heexhalesandgrabsmyface.“WhatIwant…Iwantyoutobeokayandsafe.Iwantyoutotake

babystepsandnotmakearashdecision.”

“ComingfromtheguywholeftmeallthoseyearsagoandkeptjoiningtheNavyasecretuntil

itwastimetosaygoodbye.”

“Yeah…anditwasthebiggestmistakeofmylife.”

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Chapter30

Nixon

Ohfuck,hermouthissowarm.Idon’twanttoopenmyeyes,thisdreamfeelssoreal.It’sbeentoo

longsincewe’vefucked.Ineedthis,IneedCameron.Reachingdown,Iholdontothesidesofher

facebut…shepullsmeoutofhermouth.

Motherfucker.

Iknewitwouldend,thenoutofnowhere,she’sstraddlingmybody,thewarmthofherskin

abovemeheatsme,andIopenmyeyes,needingtoseeifthisisreallyhappeningornot.Andsure

enough,Cameronishoveringoverme.Myattentionisdrawntoherpussyasshereachesbehindher

andholdsontomyshaft,slidingdownontopofme.

Astronggrowlbrewswithinmythroat,echoingoffthesoftwallsofherapartment.Thenshe

beginstomove,herhandsplacedneatlyacrossmychest,smashinghertitstogether.Fuck,I’vemissed

her.

Shehasherheadbackandisinherownworld.Tiltingmyheadtotheside,Iwatchher,loving

howlostsheis,hownothingelsematters,andforonce…shedoesn’tseemtobeinpain.Bracingher

thighs,myfingersdigdeepasshefiercelybobsupanddownonme,showingnomercy.Shemoans

andIanglemyheadback,gettinglostinhernoises,pumpingmyhipsupwardeachtimeshecomes

downonme.Herpussyismysalvation.Witheverythingthatwehavebeenthrough…sheisallIneed.

“OhGod!”shecries,fallingforward,releasingallherpentuppainandstressintoanorgasm

soamazingthatIletgotooasIslamherfromunderneath.Myballsfire;thefeelingcanonlybe

describedasmind-blowing.

Assheliesdownontopofme,Itickleherback,trailingmyfingersalloverherskin.Her

breathingiseven,niceandcalm,andIaskher,“Didyousleepokay?

“Yeah,Idid.You?”

“Therainkeptmeupmostofthenight,didyouhearit?”SheshakesherheadandIlookoutthe

windowatthegraysky.“Weprobablyshouldgoandstockuponsomewaterandfoodtoday.”

“Isthatreallywhatyouwanttodo?”sheasksme.

Ichucklealittle,“It’snotwhatIwanttodo,babe,butweneedto.”

“Okay,doyoustillwanttohavelunch?”sheasksme.

“Sure.”

“Canwedoittoday?”

“Yeah,”Itellher.

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“DidyouthinkaboutwhatIsaidlastnight?”

“Canwejuststartwithlunchandthenseehowyoufeelaftervisitingtoday?”

“‘Kay.”Cameronslidesoutofbed.Myeyeswatchhertightassstruttingtothebathroom,loving

thatsheisactuallyup.“Youwantcoffee?”Iask.

“Please.”

Ihopoutofbedandpullmyshortsonfromthefloor.Imakeusafreshpotofcoffeeandgoin

searchofher.She’spullingupherhairandsheasksme,“Youready?”

“Uh…yeah.”Irespondandgrabachangeofclothes,thenbrushmyteethandfindherinthe

kitchenwithtwoto-gocupsofcoffeeforus.She’sobviouslylookingforwardtogettingout.

“Youwannawalkthebeach?”sheasksme.

“Absolutely,”Itellherandglanceather,wonderingwhythesuddenchange.Lookingoutside

it’snotraining,soIdon’tquestionher.Itakethecoffeeshepassestomeandweheadout,both

barefoot.It’soneofthebenefitsoflivingonthebeach.Lookingup,theskyisdark.“Doyouthinkthis

stormisgonnabethatbad?”sheasks.

“Personally,no,it’salreadysodisorganized.Ithinkwe’llgetalotofrain,butthat’sit.”

Shetakesasipofhercoffee,lookingoutatthebluewater,andIdon’tthinkshehastheslightest

cluehowgorgeoussheis.“What?”sheasksasIstareather.

“Nothing,admiringyou.I’mgladtoseeyouupandfuelingyourself.”Iwrapmyarmaround

her,keepingherclosetomeandpraythatthisisthebeginningofusmovingpastthepainoftheloss

ofConner.Idon’twanttohurtanymoreorseeherhurting.Thewayshehasbeenthislastweekhas

beenunbearableattimes.Sotoseeasmileonherfaceandtoactuallyhaveheroutofthehouse,I’ll

doanythingtokeepitthatway.

***

SittingbackinthechairasIobserveCameronbullshittingwitheveryoneatwork,Idon’tknow

thatI’veseenherlaughmoreinareallylongtime.She’sevenlaughingatthedumbshitLukesays.

Thisiswhereshebelongs.Thisiswhatsheneeded.

“Youbetterseeadoctorforthat,”shetellshimasshelooksathisblackandbluethumb.

Apparently,hecloseditinhistruckdoororsomethinganditlooksfuckedup.

“See,goodthingyou’vebeenoff;itgavemythumbtimetorest,”hetellsher.Oneofthe

otherguyschimesin,bustinghisballssaying,“Right,likeyourthumbneededafuckingbreak.The

onlythingyouuseitforistojerkoff.”

“Oooooohhhh,”theroomeruptsatthejab.

“Fuckyou,asshole.Soyouallknow,Ihadadatelastnight.”

“Yeah,withahooker?”thatsameguysaysandLukeflipshimoff,stormingoutoftheroom.

CameronislaughingsohardshecanbarelysitupandIshakemyhead.Imean,thepoorguyhadit

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coming.

ButourbanterisquicklycutshortasMackwalksin.TheroomquietsandhelooksatCameron

withthemostsincereregardasheleansdownandhugsher,thenpullsachairupnexttous.

“Howareyouholdingup?”

“I’mbetter.EspeciallynowthatI’mhere.”

“Yeah?”heasks.

“Uhhuh,thingshavebeenrough…reallyrough.Butseeingeveryoneandbeingbackherefeels

good.Howarethingswithyou?”

“Hah,busyasever,”hesayslookingdownatthestackofpapersinhishand.

“What’sallthat?”sheaskshim.

“Projectionsaboutthisstorm.”

“Youthinkit’sgonnabeabigdeal?”Iaskhim.

“Idon’tknow,possibly.I’mhopingwecanhavethehelicoptersouttheentiretimeandnotmiss

anyrescues…butyouknowhowitcanbe.You’rebothfromhereafterall.”

“Ifyou’reworriedabouttheboatsgettingpulledinandneedinghelp,NixonandIcanwork,”

Cameronsays,andatthispointthereisnotalkingheroutofanyofthis.Thisiswhatshewantstodo,

andifshesitsintheheliwhileIdotherescues,thensobeit.WealreadyagreedthatI’dbegoingin

fromnowon.

“Areyousure?”helooksatmeandInod,givinghimthegreenlight.

“Yeah,beingheretodayhasbeengreat.AndIwanttomakeadifference;Idon’twantother

familiestosufferlikewehave.Ifwecangetourteamoutthere,thenIwanttobeapartofit.”

“Nixon,youfeelthesame?”hequestionsme.

“Shebroughtituplastnight,andIguessIcan’targue.Thisiswhereshebelongs;thisiswhat

makesherhappy.”

“Okay,I’llreactivateyoubothstartingtomorrowmorning.”

“Thankyou!”sheexclaimsandgiveshimahug.Istandandshakehishandbeforehewalksout.

LookingdownatCam,shekissesme.“Thankyou,baby.Ipromiseyouwon’tregretthis.”


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Chapter31

Cameron

Suitingupformyfirstshiftbackfeelssogood.Inside,IcanfeelConnerguidingme.Thefourofus

arealltalkingandlaughingthewayit’smeanttobe.Thestormisbreakingup,soit’swaycalmerthan

weexpectedandthathaseveryonenotsoonedge.

“Isthisallweneedfromtheinventory?”Nixonasksme.

“Yeah.”

“That’snothing,”hesays.

“Iknow.”

“I’msoreadytogetup,”LukeexclaimsandIaskhim,“DidMacknotevenletyouguysrunthe

beachesoranything?”

“Nope,wewereputontheno-flylist.Allwedidwasalotofcleaningaroundthisplace.”

Ilookaroundandnoticethatthingsdolookprettygoodaroundhere.“Well,I’mbackandI’m

notgoinganywhere.”

“Damnstraight.”

Wegoouttothechopper—it’salittlebreezybutnotasbadasIthoughtitwouldbe—andload

up.NixonfinishesstockingwhatweneededandkissesmebeforeIputmyheadseton.“Yousure

you’regood?”heasks.

Ismilefromeartoearandtellhim,“Neverbetter.”Strappingupinmyseat,Icanfeelitinmy

bonesthatthisiswhatI’msupposedtobedoing.

LuketalkstodispatchandGuystartstheenginecausingthebladestowhipaboveus.Nixon

takesmyhandinhisaswesitnexttoeachother.Iglanceoverathimandhewinksatme.Ismileback,

andGuyannounces,“We’reclearfortakeoff.”

TheJayhawkliftsintheairandNixonkissesmyhandafewtimes,Lukesays,“Wecanhear

yourlipswhenyoukiss—savethatshitforhome.”

“Ten-four,”Nixonsays,shuttinghimrightup,andIcan’tcontainmysmile.

“Seemscalm,”ItellGuyasInoticewearen’tbeingjerkedaround.

“Yeah,it’snotbadatall.Windsaboutthirtyknots.”

Lookingoutmywindow,thewavescapfromfaroutandIsay,“Should’vesurfedtoday.”

“Yeah,weshould’ve.”

“Luke,youbeenoutatall?”Iaskhim.

“Nah,mythumb’sgotmealljackedup.”

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IcatchGuyglanceathimandhecutshimoffbeforehecaneventeasehim,“Don’tyoueven

startwithmenow,youdouchebag.”

“Youknow…Ireallymissedyouguys,”Itellthemandtheysayinsync,“Who…us?”

Thenweallthreebustoutlaughingasacallcomesovertheradio.“USCG6035,thisis

LieutenantBoscov,doyoucopy?”

“Ten-four,Lieutenant,wecanhearyouloudandclear,”Icheerfullyanswerfirst.

“Iwascheckingin,sinceImissedyouthismorning,howarethingsoutthere?”

“Quiet,sir,andsmooth.”

“Good,let’shopetheystaythatway.Welcomeback.”

“Thankyou,sir.”

WedisconnectandIsaytotheguys,“Thatwasniceofhim.”

“Oh,Mack,don’tlethimfoolya,”LukesaysandInoticeNixonstaringouthiswindowbutnot

atthewater,atthesky.“Yougood?”

“Yeah.”

Wecruiseforafewhoursandeverythingremainsquiet.Therearenoboatersouttodayor

anythingcrazyneedingourattentionsofar.“Shouldweheadinforlunch?”Guyasksandweall

agree.Butaswecircleback,thereisacallofastrandedfisherman,elevenmilesout.

“Youguyswantit?”LukeasksandIrespondrapidly,“Absolutely.”ButasIglanceatNixon,I

cantellsomethingiswrong.He’sstillwatchingtheweatherandthedarkeningsky.Inordertosave

thisperson,weareflyingrighttowardsthestorm.

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Chapter32

Nixon

“Remember,I’mgoingdown,”ItellCameronassheunbucklesandbeginstoputhergearon.

“No,youaren’t,”sheargueswithmeandIglareather.“Rememberwhatweagreedon?”

“ThatwasbeforeConner.Pleaseletmedothis,baby.I’vegotmoreexperience.I’llbefine—in

andout.”

Lukecomesovertheradio,interruptingusandsays,“Theboatercalledinstatingthathis

enginewasmalfunctioningandhewasrunningonafaultybackup.Thedispatcherlostconnection

withhim,butgothislastcoordinates.Heisorwasonathirty-eightfootYellowfinboat.

“Ten-four,”Cameronsays,andIcanfeelthewindpickupwhippingaroundus,shakingthe

exteriorofthehelicopter.

“Please?”Ibegherandshesaystome,“I’vedonethisthousandsofmoretimesthanyouhave.

Trustme,okay?”

“Cam.”

“It’llallbegood.”Shefinishesgettinggearedup,andwhatcanIdo?Causeascene?Shehasthe

authorityovermeatworkandshouldbetheonetogodown.

Inandout.It’llallbegood,Itellmyselfandbelieveherwords.

“Tminusthreeminutesuntilarrivalatthecoordinates,”GuysaysandIdouble-checkher

harness,pullinguponittightly.

“Startlooking,everyone,”Lukeorders,beforeIconnectthedropline.Sheadjustshersnorkel

andmaskandwelookoutthewindows.“Ihavethewatercraftinsight,”LukesaysandCameronandI

bothseeittoo.Theboathasbeenoverturnedandtheguyisnowhereinsight.

“Dammit.We’retoolate,”shesaysinasombertone.

“I’mgonnacirclearoundandseeifwecangetvisualoftheboaterontheotherside,”Guysays

andIcanseethedisappointmentonCameron’sface.

“Thereheis,”sheshouts.“Clingingtothemotor.”

Lukestartstotalktodispatchandshesays,“Unhookmeandputthebasketontheline.”

“Noway.You’renotgoingdownunlessit’sattachedtotheline—endofstory.”

“Ihavenowheretostanddownthereandweneedtogethimoutofthewater,fast.”

GuygetsintopositionandItellher,“Straddletheboat,thenI’llsendyoudownthebasket.”

“You’reclear,Cam,besafe,”GuysaysandIopenthedoor.Shelooksatmeonelasttime,the

lookinhereyesissotrusting,andIkissher.Beforeloweringherdown,agustofwindshakesthe

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helibutGuykeepsussteady.“Wegood?”Iask,stoppingfromloweringher.“Yeah,windspeedsare

projectedtodropasthestormismovingawayfromus,”Lukesays.

IfocusonCam,watchinghowsheswaysinthewind,buteffortlesslylandsinplace,then

straddlesthebackoftheboat.Sheunhooksherlineandwavesatme.AsfastasIcan,Iraiseitup,all

thewhilemyeyesareonhersittingonthebottomoftherockingboat.ThelinecomesinandIattach

thebasket,loweringittoher,hopingthatwiththewind,wecangetitrightinthewatersotheguycan

climbin.Icanseeheisstruggling.Buttome,nooneelsemattersexceptforCameron.Ihateher

downtherelikethat.ThewindisgustyasIdropthebasket.Ilanditclosetohimandheswimstoit,

wrestlingwithitashetriestogetinside.IcanseeCameronyellingtohim,tellinghimwhatdo.

Thenshesignalsmetopullhimup.He’spanickingandevenfrommyvantagepointIcansee

himheavinginforairasheswaysinthewind.

AssoonasIhavehimsecureinthechopper,Iunhookthebasketandbegintolowerthelineto

her.Asitheadsdown,shelooksupatmesoexpectantly,andthenwegetknockedwithanotherblast

ofwind.Thefuckingalarmssoundinthehelicopteraswebegintofallfromthesky.Allthewhile,I

watchCameron,stranded—waiting.

“Windshavepickedup,”LukesaysasGuyrecovers.

“We’regonnaneedtocircle,”Guysaysflyingawayfromher.

“No…fuckthat.We’renotleavingher.”Wavescrashovertheboatandlightninglightsthesky.

Shelooksupatmescaredaswegofartherandfartherfromher.“We’llcomerightback,”Guysays

andIreact…andfuckingjump.Iwillnotmakethesamemistaketwice.Ialreadyleftheronce,I’mnot

leavingheragain.Mybodyplummetsthroughtheaircrashingintotheoceanlikearock.Ifightmy

waytothesurface;thewavesareoverbearing,crashingovermeeverytimeIthinkI’mclear.

ThenIspotCameron,wavingherarmsbackandforth.She’sfarawayfromme,butIkeep

swimmingtoher,‘causemylifedependsonit.Sheismylife.

Reachingtheboat,exhausted,she’slyingoveritandstretchingforme.Therainissuddenly

dumpingdownhardanditmakesitimpossibletoclimbupontheboat.“Whatwereyouthinking?”

sheshoutsasIstruggle.

Idon’tanswerher,insteadIkeepfightingtogetupontheboat,butrealizeasthestormisupon

us,thatIcan’t.Lookingaround,thecloudsarethedarkestI’veeverseenthemandItellher,“You

needtogetinthewaterwithme.”

“Why?”sheasks,panicked,asawavehitsherbackandthrowsherin.Herfingernailsdiginto

myarmandIpullherup.“Thisstormiscomingrightatus.Wehavetogoundertheboat.”

“No.”Shehastearsinhereyes.“They’llberightback,theywon’tleaveus.”

ShelooksupattheskyandIdothesame,ourbodieskeepsmashingagainsttheboat.Afeeling

ofdisillusionmentwashesoverme.“Theyaren’tcomingback,baby.Thehelicopterwillcrash.”

“Yes,theyare!”sheshouts.

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“Cam.”WatersplashesintomymouthandIspititout.“Theyaren’tcomingbackandI’mnot

goingtoletanythinghappentoyou,nowgetundertheboat.It’sstillfloating,sothere’sanairpocket

wecanseekshelterin.”

“Andwhatiftheycomeback?”

“Thenthey’llsendateamdowntofindus,youknowthat.”Thundercracksintheskyandshe

flinches.“Go,babe!”

SheswimsbeneaththeoverturnedboatgrippingmyhandandIfollow,ourlifevestsmakingit

hardtogetundertheboat,butwedoandsureenoughthereisasmallairpocketthatwefloatright

into.Camiscrying,Icanhearher,eventhoughIcan’tseeher,andIjustholdontoherasweget

thrashedaround.

IpraytoGodandtoConnerthatwepullthroughthis.Aftereverything,whatashittywaythis

wouldbetogoout.


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Chapter33

Cameron

TherainhaslightenedandI’mnotsurehowthisboathasn’tsunk…butithasn’t.Aboutanhourago,I

hadapanicattack.IthoughtIwasgoingtodiefromlackofairandrealizingthatGuyandLukearen’t

comingbackforus.Theyreallyleftusandthathurtsworsethananything.Ourjobissearchand

rescue,andherewesittwoUSCoastGuardfaithful,strandedandwaiting.

ThewavesaremakingmenauseousandNixonasksme,“Youokay?”

“Ineedair,”Itellhimandhesays,“Letmegocheckontheconditions.”

“NO!”Iscreech,knowinghoweasilywecangetseparated.“We’llgotogether.”

“Okay,”heagrees,notarguing.“Onthecountofthree,”hetellsmeandthencounts.Thesecond

thathesays“three,”Ibreatheinbeforewegounder,pushingofftheboatwithmyfeet.Aswesurface,

therainislighterandyoucanseethestormmovingaway,butthewavesarestillheavy.“Let’stryand

getontheboatusingthemotortoclimbupon.”

WemovearoundthebackandIgripit,thenNixonpushesmyassupwithonehandandIlose

contactwithhim.Rightaway,Ipanic,butI’montheboatandhe’spullinghimselfuptoo.Istraddleit

likeIfirstdidwhenIcamedown,andhedoesthesame.He’sexhausted;Icanseeitalloverhisface.

Leaningover,Iholdhishandssowestayconnectedandtellhim,“Thankyoufornotleaving

me.”

“Cam,I’llneverleaveyouagain,nomatterwhat.”

“Thankyou.”

“You’reeverythingtome.”

“Metoo.”

“Iloveyou,Cam.”

Thosethreelittlewordsarethefirsthe’seversaidtome.Weneversaiditwhenwewere

younger,eventhoughIthinkwebothfeltit.

“I…Iloveyou,too.Ialwayshave.I’msorryImadeuscometoworktoday.”

“Don’tbesorry.We’retogether,andthat’sallthatmatters.Everythinghappensforareasonand

hereweare.”

“Youreallyfeelthatway?”

“Yeah,Ido.”

Ican’tstopthetears,feelingsoemotional,solostouthere.“Arewegonnadie?”

“No,notachanceinhell.Wecouldsurviveformonths,andyouknowtheentireCoastGuardis

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outlookingforus.”

“Whyhasn’tanybodycomeyet?”

“Idon’tknow,buttheywill.We’llstaywiththeboat,anditwon’tbelong.”

Inod,knowingthatheisright,butasthesunbeginstosetandnightfallisn’tfaraway…Ibegin

losinghope.

“Don’tfallasleep,baby.”Nixonshakesmebymyhands,andIblinkheavily.

“Justfiveminutes?”Iask,theswayingmotionandpureexhaustionmakingmesotired.

Thenthereitis…thesoundwe’vebeenwaitingfor.“Doyouhearthat?”heasksme.

“Yeah,it’saboat!”Webothbegintowaveourfreearmsatthesmallwatercraft,beingsurethat

wearestillholdinghandswiththeother.

Theboaterseemstobecomingrighttowardsus,butit’snottheCoastGuard.“Heseesus,”I

exclaim.

“Iknow.”

Astheboatpullsup,thereareafewfishermenonboard.“Whatareyoudoingallthewayout

here?”themandrivingitasksusinhisthicktropicalaccent.

“We’rewiththeUSCoastGuardinFloridaandwereattemptingarescuewhenwebothfell

fromouraircraft,”Nixonsays.

“You’refarfromhome,mybrother,”themansays.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask.

“You’refivemilesoffthecoastoftheBahamas.”

“What?”Ishriek.

“TheGulfstreammust’vepulledya.Whichisagoodthing.IhearFloridaisgettinghithardby

thatstorm,”themansays.“Wecantakeyoubacktoourplace?”

“Okay,”Nixonagrees;wedon’thaveanyotheroptions.Weneedtogettosafety.

Themenhelpusclimbonboard,andI’veneverfeltbetter.

IclingtoNixonandheasksthem,“Whatareyoualldoingouthere?”

“Fishing!”Henodshisheadandanotherguyopensahugecoolerpackedwithatonoffish.

“Thankyouforstopping,”Nixonsays.“Youhavenoideahowgratefulweare.”

“Ofcourse,myman,it’swhathumansdo,wehelpeachotherout.Wereyouguysouthere

long?”

“I’mnotsure,”hesays,andthat’sthelastthingIremember…

***

“Baby,wakeup,”NixonsaysandIfighttoopenmyeyes.Theenginetotheboatcutsoffand

everyonestartstoclamberontothedock.Nixonboostsmeupasanothermangrabsaholdofmeuntil

hegivesmebacktoNixon.

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Myeyesfollowthelongdockthatleadstoanoldtropicalhotel.Therearetikitorchesliningthe

walkwayandNixonsays,“Thisplaceisbeautiful,Beni.”

“Thanks,it’sbeeninmyfamilyforoverfiftyyearsnow.Thisismywife,Tama.”Weshakeher

handasshegreetsusandhesays,“Couldyousetthemupinaroomandbringthemsomefood?They

werestranded.”

Shenodsshyly,smiling.She’sagorgeouswoman,butawomanoffewwords.

I’mstillwobblyaswefollowherintotheofficeofthehotelandshegrabsakeyoffthewall,

thenleadsustoaroom.“Hereyougo,”shesaysquietly,openingthedoortothecozyspace.Right

away,Nixonlooksin,thensays,“DoyouhaveaphoneIcoulduse?”

“No,nophoneshere.”

“Isthisgood?”Beniasks,poppinghisheadinashismencarrythecoolerswithfishbehind

him.

“Yeah,um…nophonethough?”

“Oh,no.I’msorry.Ididn’teventhinkaboutthat.Wecouldtaketheboatwhereyoucanmakea

call,probablythreehours?ButitneedsgasandI’mafraidthey’reclosedforthenight.”

“What?”Ishriek,feelingsolost.Butatthesametime,ifIwastohavetogetonanotherboat,I

mightbesick.AsmuchasIlovetheocean,Idon’tthinkIcouldgonearitrightnow,evenifIhadto.

GoingthroughwhatwedidtodaywasthescariestthingI’veeverendured.

“We’llgointhemorning,”Nixonsays,“Thisisgreat.Thankyoubothsomuch.We’llpayyou

back.”

BeniandTamaclosethedoorandIslidedownthewall,sittingonthefloorwithmyknees

huddledtomychest.

“Youallright?”Nixonasksme,panicked,andIswallowthetears.NotevenknowingmyselfifI

am.

“Whatthefuckarewegonnado?”I’mstillinshockwitheverythingwe’vebeenthroughand

scaredthatnooneknowswhereweare.

Hesitsinfrontofme,restinghisarmsonhiskneesandsays,“Wehaveaplan,we’llcallhome

inthemorning.Weshouldfeelveryluckytobeonlandandsafeandtogether.”

“What’sthechancethattheonepersonwhofindsushasnowaytocontactanyone?Whatabout

onhisboat,doeshehaveafuckingradio?”

“Ilooked,Cam,andhedoesn’t,butwhocares?Theyleftus,theycanwait‘tilmorning.”

“Nixon!”

“I’msorry.It’sgoingtobeokay,babe.We’resafenow.Ifbackhomeisgettinghitbythestorm,

thentheycan’tsearchforusandareprobablywithoutpowertoo.”

“Theyaregoingtobeworriedsick.”

“Good.Theyfuckingdeserveit.Theyabandonedus.”

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Istillcan’tbelievethatLukeandGuyactuallyleftus.OurnumberoneruleintheCoastGuard

istolookafteryourteam.

Reachingdown,heunzipsmyvestandsays,“Let’sgetyououtoftheseclothes.”Iagreeandlet

Nixonhelpmestandsohecanundressme.I’mwobblyashetakesallofmylayersoffandoncehe

finallyputstherobefrombehindthedooronmehesays,“Whydon’tyouliedown?”AndIcouldn’t

wantitmore.

“Howareyousosteady?”Iask.

“I’maSEAL,babe,Ilivedinandonthewaterforfouryears.”

Hetakesanextrablanketoutoftheclosetandwrapsmeinit.Hestripsnakedandwrapsatowel

aroundhiswaist.Thenpullsthecoversbackandliesdownhimself.Justthenthereisaknockonthe

doorandheanswersit.Tamahasahugetrayoffoodandsetsitonthebedinfrontofme.“Westayin

roomtwo,ifyouneedanything.”

“Okay,thankyouverymuch,”Itellher.

SheleavesandIgrabsomethingfriedofftheplateshovingitintomymouth.

Nixonsmiles,watchingmeeatit,thendoesthesame.“Arethoseconchfritters?”

“Idon’tknow,butthey’resogood.”

Weeatinsilence,notreallysayingmuch.Mymindisracingsofast,Icouldn’tmakeacoherent

statementifItried.Aftereverythingthatwewentthroughtoday,fromalmostdyingtonowbeing

secludedandstrandedonatropicalisland,Ican’thelpbutfeelthereissomeoneorsomethingbehind

allofthis.

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Chapter34

Nixon

ThesunisbarelylightingthemorningskyandIfindmyselfwatchingCameron,feelinggratefulthat

we’reheretogether.I’veneverbeenmorepleasedwitharashdecisioninmylife.

She’ssocalmandgorgeous.AllIwanttodoismakeherhappy.Shepassedouthardafterabath

lastnight.

Thinkingbackonthings,Ididn’tquestionjumpingforonesecond.Hell…Ididn’teventhink

aboutit,mybodyjustdidit,themagnetofourconnectionalwayskeepingusclose.There’salight

knockonthedoor,andIgetup,wrappingatowelbackaroundmywaist.WhenIopenit,thereisno

oneoutside,Ilookineitherdirection,butdon’tseeanyone.Thenontheground,Ispotsomeclothes

andanote,Breakfastbeginsat7:00am.Wecantaketheboatat9:00am.

Bringingintheclothes,thesoundofthedoorclosingwakesCamandIfeelbad.“Sorry,baby,”

Itellher.

“It’sokay.Everythingallright?”

“Yeah,Tamamust’vedroppedoffsomeclothes.”

Shesmilesandliftsthecovers.Iclimbbackin,gettingclosetoher,nosetonose,andshesays

tome,“Pleasetellmeeverythingthathappenedyesterdaywasadream.”

Ismirkandplayalongwithher,“Sure…itwasalladream,baby.Don’tyourememberwegot

marriedandareonourhoneymoon?”

Shegrinshappilyandkissesme.“Ilikethesoundofthat.”Thenshepullsmeontopofher.My

cockishardandmybreathingisrough,wantingher,thensheurgesmeon,andIpushmyselfinside

ofhertightlittlecunt.GruntingasIcupherface,Ipumpmyhips.

“Mmmhhh,”shemoans,spreadingherlegswide,andinthisinstant,Iletalltheworry,regrets,

andwhat-ifsgo,livinginthemoment,thewaysheandIdecidedwhenIfirstcameback.

Herpussyistightandsheholdsmydickhardwitheverypushandpull.Mylipsmovetoher

neckwhereIgetcarriedawaysuckingonher.“Ohfuck,”shewhines,andIcoverhermouthwithmy

hand,assumingthewallstothisplacearepaper-thin.

LeaningupasIfuckherandtrytokeepherandthebedquiet,Itakeinherbeauty,lovinghow

herbodytensesassheorgasmsandhowrighteverythingfeels.ThenIletgo,cominghard,milking

everybitofmyselfinsideher.Shelooksbackatmeunsureandsaystome,“Ididn’ttakemybirth

controllastnight.”

“Okay,”Irespondcoolly,herwordsnotbotheringmeintheslightest.Thetruthis,Iwant

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everythingthatthereisandmorewithher,andonlyher…sheismyforever.

“Doesitbotheryou?”sheasksme.

“No…notatall.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.Cam…you…you’remyfuture.Withyoubymyside,everythingisright,andifthat

meanswe’remeanttohavekids,thensobeit,baby.”

ShekissesmylipsandthenIpulloutofher.LookingthroughtheclothesthatTamabrought,I

slideontheboardshortsandt-shirtthatarealittlesmall,andCamslipsonthedress.“Youfeeling

okay?”Iaskherasshestands.

“Yeah,waybetter.”

“Good.”

Afterbreakfast,wewanderaroundthisamazingplaceandfindahammockhiddenbeneath

somebananatrees.

“Let’sliedown.”Islideinandshenestlesinagainstmychest.Theheatofthedayisperfect,the

birdsarechirping.

“It’sbeautifulhere.”

“Itis.Icouldlivehere,”Itellher.

“Metoo.Whatifwestayedhereanddidn’tgobacktoFlorida?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask,perplexedbyherquestion.

“WhatifwebothquittheCoastGuardjobsandlivedhere?Ihavealmostahundredgrandsaved

upthatIwasgonnausetobuyahouse.Wecouldstartalifedownherewithit.”

“Wouldyoureallywantto?”

“Nixon,whatIknowis,whenyouleftmeallthoseyearsago,Iwasheartbrokenandnever

thoughtI’dseeyouagain,orgetasecondchance.ThenGodbroughtyoubackintomylife.Now…

afterlosingmybrotherandusalmostdyingyesterday,thenwindingupinthisbeautifulplace,Ican’t

helpbutthinkthatit’sgottadowithfate.Whywouldweleavehere?Weendeduphere,together,fora

reason.”

IthinkaboutherwordsandIagreewithher.Sheisrightonsomanylevelsthatit’sscary.But…

upandleavingourlivesinFloridatoliveintheBahamas,isthatevencrazier?

“Howwoulditevenwork?”Iaskher.

“Onedayatatime,baby…”shesaystome.Ourmotto…it’sworkedthusfar.WhichiswhatI

wasthinkingthismorning.Thewaywethinkalike,it’ssomethingelse.Lookingoutatthevastviews.

Iimaginehavingeverysinglewakingmomenttogether,andthat…thatfeelssoright.

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Epilogue

Cameron

1yearlater

StaringatapictureofNixonandmewithGuyandLuke,Imissthem,butIalsoknowinlifethehardest

decisionsdon’tcomeeasy.

Theytriedtocomebackforus,butthestormwastoostrong.Theywould’vedied,andhadthat

happened,Idon’tknowhowIcould’velivedwithmyself.

Ionlyhaveoneregretinlifeandthat’snotbeingabletoshareallofthiswithConner.But…

that’salsooneofthereasonswhyIfollowedmygutwhenweendeduphere.Itrulybelieveithappened

forareasonandthatthisiswhereNixonandIaremeanttobe.

WhenNixoncamebackintomylifehewasinaroughplaceandgavezerof*cksaboutwherehis

lifewasgoing.He’dgivenuponanychancesofsavingwhoheusedtobe.Butastimepassed,theold

NixonthatI'dalwaysknownandlovedcreptbacktothesurface.

There’snorulebooktolife,orrightorwrongwaytodothings.Yourlifeisasyoucreateit,and

thedecisionsthatyoumakethroughoutit.

LetmeshowyouwhatNixonandIchose…

“Didyoufeedthechickenstoday?”IaskNixonandheshakeshisheadashechopsdownastalk

ofbananas.Theycomeflyingtowardshisheadandheswiftlycatchesthem.Grabbingthebagoffeed,

Isprinkleitontheground,myweddingringglimmeringinthesettingsunlight.Thechickens

surroundmeasIlookoutatthewater,seeingifIcanspotmyparentsyet.Theyshouldbehereany

minute,andIfeellikeIhaven’tseentheminages.

“Igotthebananas.Doyouwantanythingelse?”

“Canyoupicksomelemons?Iwanttomakelemonadeformydad.”

“Sure,babe.”HeswatsmyasswiththeendofhismacheteandIjump,laughing.Livinghere

withhimreallyisadreamcometrue.Eachdayisanewadventure.

AsscaryasitwastosaygoodbyeandleavetheonlyplacethatI’veevercalledhome,Iknewit

wastherightdecision.

“Hello,Mrs.Cameron,”Benisays,bringingoverfreshfish,whichhecaughttoday,andIthink

it’sthelastofwhatweneedbeforemyparentsgethere.

“HiBeni,whatdidyouget?”Ikisshischeekandhesticksitinourfreezer.“Mahi,cobia,and

redsnapper.”

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“Nice,thankyou.”

“Where’sNixon?”

“Pickinglemons.”

BeniandIwalkaroundthepropertytofindNixonpluckingoffalltheperfectlyripelemons

fromthetopofthetree.“Hey,bro,”theguysshakehandsandBenistartstohelp.ThenIlookoutat

thewaterandspotthem.“They’rehere,”Ishout.

NixonandBenistoppickingandweheaddowntothedock.Nixonholdsmyhandandsteadies

meontheway.Astheirhugesailboatpullsuptoourdock,mydadtossesalinetoBeni,whotiesit

securely,andIcanseethetearsofjoyinmydad’seyesashelooksatme.Mymomisalreadycrying

assherushesofftheboatandgrabsmebythecheeks.“Cameron,youlookstunning.”

Ismile,embracingher,havingmissedmymom’sarmsaroundmemorethanIcouldimagine.

“Andhuge,”Itellher.

Sherubsmyroundstomachandsays,“That’snonsense.Youarebeautiful.Areyousurethere’s

nottwobabiesinthere,though?”

“I’msure,Mom.Daddy!”IexclaimafterNixon,Beni,andhimallgreetandheholdsmetightly.

“Howareyou,babygirl?”heasksme.

“I’mgreat.”

“It’samazinghere!”mymomsays.

“We’reveryluckytolivehereandthankfultoBeniandhiswifeforeverything.”

Benismilesandsays,“Wefoundyaforareason.Mr.andMrs.Hollis,itwasapleasure.”

Myparentssmileathimandmydadshakeshishandsaying,“Thankyouforsavingmylittle

girl’slife.”

Henodsandthenheadsuptohisplace,whichisdowntheroadfromours.WhenwetoldBeni

thatwewereinterestedinmovinghere,hesaidhehadsomelandhecouldsellus.Aftertheguys

bustedtheirassfixingupthelittlehouseonit,hereweare.

Walkinguptoourtinylittlebeachfrontbungalow,mymomexclaims,“It’sperfect!”andwe

headinside.

“It’snotyourtraditionalhome.”

“Andyouthinkourboatis?”mymomasks.

Ishowmyparentsaroundandtheyloveourhomeandasthefourofusstrolltotheedgeofour

property,mydadasksme,“Isthatit?”

Inod,tearsprickingmyeyesasheandmymomwalkaheadofNixonandmehandinhand,toa

benchwebuiltforConneroutofoneofhissurfboards.Myparentsobserveit,likeit’shim,andina

way,itis.SittingonthatbenchiswhereIfeelclosesttohim.Nixonwipesmytearsaway,andIlook

upintohislovingeyes.

“Don’tcry,baby.”Heleansdownkissingmetenderly,alwaysknowinghowtohelpme.Ashis

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freehandisrestingonmystomachourbabykicksrightwherehishandis.Hepullsawayandsays,

“Really?”

“Ithinkshe’sfeistytoday.”

“Justlikehermom,”hesaysandIglanceatmyparentswhoarebothsittingonthebench

lookingoutatthevastview.

“Thankyouforallofthis,”Itellhim,knowinghowhardhe’sworkedtonotonlyget

everythingreadyformyparentstocomevisit—buildingthebenchbeingoneofthemanythingshe’s

done—butalsotomakethisdreamofminecometrue.

Thinkingbackoneverythingwe’vebeenthrough,IneverthoughtI’dsaythis,butIwouldn’t

changeathingaboutthepast.BecauseifIdid,itcouldriskthecourseofhowthingsturnedout.

Deepdown,IalwaysknewNixonandIwouldenduptogether,itwasjustafighttogethere,a

fightwellworthitandnowwe’relivingeachdaytothefullest.

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Acknowledgements

Mr.Prezident,youaretheworld’sbesthusband.Thankyouforbeingmypartnerthroughitall.These

storieswouldnotbewhattheyarewithoutyou,ZeroF*cksincluded.Thankyouforalwaysloving

me,evenduringmyditzymoments,guidingme,andnevergoingeasyonme.Iloveyou,babe.

Lisa,I’vetoldyoubeforeandI’llsayitagain,youarearemarkableeditor.Icanespeciallysee

itinthewaythisstoryturnedout.Thankyouforpushingmetobeabetterwriterandalways

supportingmeandworkingsohardtomakethesestoriesthebesttheycanbe.

LeticiaandJanice,thankyouforalwayshavingmybackandhelpingmeundermycrazytime

constraints,thisoneespecially.YouperfectthesebooksandarethebestteamofproofreadersIcould

askfor.

Crystal,youaresuchanawesomePAandatruegiftfromGod.Iloveallthatyoudoandwant

youtoknowhowthankfulIamforeverything;I’msoblessedtoworkwithyou.

TomyARCteam,crazies,andpimpettes,eachandeverysingleoneofyoumakesadifference

inwhatIdoandareallsoinstrumentalinthesuccessofeachoneofmybooks.Thankyouforyour

undyingsupport.Itmeanstheworldtome.

Last,butnotleast,thereaders,reviewers,andbloggers.Iwanttothankyouallfromthebottom

ofmyheartforreadingZeroF*cks.IhopeyoulovedNixonandCameron’sstoryasmuchasIloved

writingit.Besuretocheckoutmyotherbookshere

www.amazon.com/author/lkcollins

andformy

upcomingreleases,headovertomywebsite

www.authorlkcollins.com

.


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