ZEROF*CKS

anovelby

LKCOLLINS

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TableofContents

Dedication

Mr.Prezident,mysexyhusband,thankyouforteachingusallhowamanlivesgivingzerof*cks,

throughtheeyesofNixon.

Chapter1

Cameron

“OhmyGod,Conner,Imissyousomuch,”Itellmybrother,aswevideochat.AndeventhoughIcan

seehisface,it’sstillnotthesame…orenough.

“Sevenmonthsandyou’llhavemehome,sis.”

“Ican’twait.”He’sservinghissecondtouroverseasandhasbeengoneforwaytoolong.

“HaveyoutalkedtoMomandDad?”heasksme.

“NotsinceEaster.You?”

“No,Igotapackageontheshiptheotherdayfromthem.Thepostagelookedlikeitcamefrom

Belize,butwhoknowswheretheyarenow,”hesays.

Ourparentssailtheworld.MybrotherandIgrewupspendingalotoftimeontheirsailboat.

It’sprobablywhywebothlovethewateranddowhatwedoforaliving—he’saNavySEALandI’m

intheUSCoastGuard.“Momsaidthey’dbeherewhenyougothome.”

“You’restillcoolifIcrashwithyouthough,right?”

“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?I’dbepissedifyoudidn’t.”Ourparentswouldwelcomehimon

theirboat,butwhenConnercomeshome,helikestobeoffthewater,andIcan’tblamehim.

Sometimesyoujustneedsolidground.Thefeedcutsoutonmylaptop,andhisfaceblursfora

second,thenhe’sback.“Canyouhearme?”Iask,knowingalotoftimewhenitcutsoutweloseour

audioconnection.

“Yeah.Hey,Imeanttoaskyou,haveyouseenNixon?Iknowhemovedbackhomeaftergetting

kickedoutoftheNavy.”

“Hellno.YouknowIdon’twanttoseehim;don’tevensayhisname.”

“Oh,comeon,Cam,youaren’tstillpissedathim,areyou?”

IrollmyeyeshatingtoberemindedofanythingthathastodowithNixonAndrewsormypast

withhim.Hebrokemyheart,plainandsimple.“I’llneverforgivehim.Besides,he’sthereason

you’rehalfwayacrosstheworld.”

“No,heisn’t!Imadethisdecisiononmyownandyouforgavemeforleavingtoo.”

“Conner,youdon’tneedtoprotecthimanymore.”

“I’mnot.Comeon,I’mheretoprotectyou.Anyway,IaskedbecauseIwantedyoutoknowhe’s

beenthroughsomecrazyshit.He’snotthesameguyhewaswhenheleft.”

Thefeedcutsout,andIswitchthesubjectwhenhecomesbackintoview,notwantingtotalk

aboutNixonorthepastanylonger.Itwasfiveyearsago,andclearlyifhe’sbackandnotcontacting

me,he’sasdonewithmeasIamwithhim.Iworriedabouthimforlongenough.I’mdonewiththe

Nixonpityparty.“DoyouneedanythingthatIcansendyou?”

“Hmmm.Maybesomebeefjerky,andyouknowwhat?Icouldreallyuseanewpairof

sunglasses.”

Ichuckleathislist.“Really,that’sit?”

“Yeah,that’lldo.”

“Hollis,time’sup.”SomeoneyellsatConnerinthebackgroundandIneedtogetgoingmyself.

Theguyswillbehereanyminutetopickmeup.

“Iloveyou,littlesis,”hesays,andItellhim,“Iloveyoutoo,Con.Besafe.”

“Always.We’lltalkinafewdays.”

ThescreengoesblackandthesamefeelingsIalwaysgetwhenIsaygoodbyetohimwashover

me…fear—anxiety—tension.I’mscaredformybrother ’ssafety.Heisoutthere,inthemiddleof

nowhere,fightingtokeepourcountrysafe.Aknockonthedoorstartlesme,bringingmeoutofmy

worries.Igetup,lettingGuy,Seth,andLukein.Weallworktogether,andI’mgladtohavethemasa

distractionrightnow.

“Hey,”Ihugthemall,excitedtogetoutandhavesomedrinks,butI’malsosadthatthisisgoing

tobeourlasttimewithSeth.

“Well,don’tyoulookhottonight?”Lukesaysgrabbingfourshotglassesfrommykitchen

cabinetasherubsupagainstme.

“Why,thankyou,butI’mwithyoufools,sonoone’sgonnabelookingmydirection.”

AfterwhatNixondidtome,I’vehadahardtimetrustingmen,buttheseguyshaveshownme

thatsomemencanbehonest.Sethunscrewsthebottleoftequilaandfillstheshots,thenweallcrowd

aroundmytinykitchen.“ToSeth,”Lukesays,“We’regonnamissyou,brother.”

“Here,here,”weallchantandknockbacktheshots.

SethismovingtoCaliforniawithhiswife,luckyenoughtogetreassignednearherfamilysince

theyareexpectingtheirfirstbaby.Healsogotanawesomepromotiontolieutenant,sononeofuscan

blamehimforleaving,evenifweselfishlydon’twanthimto.

“Onemorebeforewehittheroad?”LukeasksandIdon’targue—Ineedtounwindafterthe

crazyassdaywehadatwork.Thankfully,we’reofftomorrow,sowecanletloose.

Lukehappilyrefillsourshotglassesandgivesmeawink.Weknockthestrongliquorback

again.

Leavingmyapartment,weheadtoSeth’sfavoritelittlehole-in-the-wallbar.Aswepileintothe

backofacab,Sethasksus,“HasMacktoldanyofyouwho’sreplacingme?”

“No,wedon’thaveaclue,”Itellhim.

“It’llprobablybesomepoorshmuckfreshoutoftraining,”Guysaysfromthefrontseat.

“Noway.Mackwouldn’tdothattous.”AndIhavetoagree.Ourteamhasworkedtogetherfor

fouryears,dayinanddayout.We’vecompletedmoresuccessfulhelicoptermissionsthananyother

four-personunit.GuyandLukearebothex-Navy,andforSethandI,well,theCoastGuardisour

firstlove…soit’sourlife.

Pullinguptothebar,Guypaysthedriver,likehealwaysdoes.He’sthepilot,sowelethim.

Afterall,theassmakesdoublethemoneywedo.

“Youwannasitatthebartonight?”Iask.

“Mmmmm,let’sgrabatable,ifthat’scool,”Sethsays.

WesitdownandGuyopensatabwiththewaitress.“Whenareyouleaving?”IaskSeth.

“Tomorrow.”

“Didyouguysfindaplaceyet?”

“No,we’regonnastaywithTabitha’sparentsforabit,untilwesellourhousehere.”

ThewaitressbringsoveraroundofbeersandIglanceatGuytextingonhisphone.“Everything

okay?”

“Yeah,it’sMacey,she’salittlepissedthatIdidn’tinvitehertocomeoutwithus.”

“Whydidn’tyou?”Iaskhim.

“Idon’tknow,itslippedmymind.”

“That’swhatIdon’tgetaboutyouguys.Youalwayswantustotellyouwhereweareandwhat

we’redoingandincludeyou,butyoucan’tdothesame.”

“Oh,please,Cameron,don’teventakeherside…youweremyfriendfirst,anddon’tforgetit.”

“I’mherfriend,too,andI’mgonnastickupforherwhenyoumakethewrongmove,asshole.

Soinviteher.Seth,youdon’tmindifshecomes,right?”

Lukechimesinknockingbackadrinkofhisbeerandsays,“Youguysknowthishasnothingto

dowithyou;it’sgottodowithherbrotherkeepingherinthedarkaboutbecomingaSEAL.”

“Fuckyou,asshole!”Iretort,hatinghowwelltheyknowme.

Yeah,maybemysensitivitytobeingoutoftheloopdoeshaveeverythingtodowithConner

leavingandmyex,Nixon,too.ButI’veneverspokenofNixontotheguys.Sincethedayheleftme

andbrokemyheart,Iturnedmybackonhim,thesamewayhedidtome.

Pullingmyphoneoutasitbuzzes,IseeatextfromMacey.She’ssosweetinhermessage,I’m

notbarginginonyourlastnightwithSeth.Everything’sgood.Ipromise.

Lettinggoofthesubjectthatsomehowgotturnedaroundonme,Lukeasksme,“Doyouwant

anotherdrink?”

“Sure.”

HeordersforusasSethandGuyaredeepinadebateaboutthespeedofourJayhawk.“You’re

gonnamisshim,huh?”LukeasksmeasIwatchGuyandSeth,andIsmile,noddinginresponse.I

reallyam.

Hereachesunderthetablesqueezingmythightocomfortme,andIswallowhard.I’venever

hookedupwithanyoftheseguys,stickingwithmystandardMOofsafedistancefromallmen.

They’remybestfriends,butLukehasalwaysseemedtolikeme,flirtingandwinkingandtouching

meallthetime.

Grabbinghishandasitrestsonmyleg,Isqueezeitback.Ican’tdenythatIliketheaffectionhe

givesme.Thewaitressbringsoverourdrinksandasshesetsthemdown,weletgo.GuyandSeth

lookoveratusandask,“Wherethehellareours?”

“That’sfornotinvitingMacey!”Iteasehim.

“Whatever!”HeflipsmeoffandSethsays,“Oh,stopbeingsuchapussy.”NooneputsGuy

incheck…noone,soLukeandIcan’thelpbutlaugh.Sittingback,Iexperiencethecamaraderiethat

weallsharetothefullest,lovingourfunbanter,becausewhenitcomestoournextshift,itwon’tbe

thesamewithoutSeth.Theconnectionthatthefourofusshareissotight.Thelaughs,thebond,

everything,it’sperfect.ThereisnowaythatMackcaneverfindanyoneelsetoreplaceSeth…ever.

***

Holdingthedartbetweenthetipsofmyfingers,tryingtofocusinontheboard,I’msobuzzedandit

doesn’thelpthatLukekeepsdistractingme.“Wannamakeabet?”hewhispersinmyear.

Ishakemyheadignoringhim.GuyandSethlefthoursagotogethometotheirgirls.Saying

goodbyetoSethsucked—Icriedlikeababyandthenwallowedmypainawayinthenever-ending

shotsandbeersthatLukekeptgivingme.

“Yousure?”heasksmeagain,thistimewrappinghislowerhandaroundmywaist,awakening

somethinginsideme.Idon’tthrowthedartasIaskhim,“Whatdoyouhaveinmind?”Hetalks

quietlyintomyear,hisbreathwarmashislipsarealmosttouchingme,hischinrestingontopofmy

shoulder,remindingmeofthewaymyexusedtodrawinclose.“Ifyoulose,Igettokissyou.”His

wordsshockmeandIglanceathimoutofthecornerofmyeye.

“AndwhatdoIget,ifIwin?”

“That’suptoyou.”Ithinkabouthiswager…hishandfeelssogoodaroundmybody,evenifit

isthealcoholmakingmefeelthisway.It’sbeensolongsinceaman’stouchedme…orkissedme.

I’vekeptmenatadistance,butsuddenlyI’mwondering,forwhat?He’snotNixon.Infact,he’sthe

polaropposite.

Turningaround,Ishakehishand,andhesmiles,grippingminehard.“Don’tyouwannaknow

whatIwant?”Iaskhim.

“No…youcanhaveanything,Cam.”Mymindraces,wonderingwhatI’devenwantifIwon.

LukeandIfinishourroundofdarts,withalotofarguingandbanteringregardingtherules,

andattheendofthenight,hefuckingbeatsme.“Wecouldplayagain?”hesuggests,maybetryingto

beagentleman,butIshakemyhead.KnowingdeepdownthatIwanthim.LukeandIhavewalkeda

thinlineforalongtimeandIthinkI’mreadytocrossit.

“What,youdon’twanttokissme?”Islur.

“Oh,Ifuckingdo.Butonlyifyouwantmeto.”He’salwaysbeensorespectfulofme,andthat’s

madeiteasytokeephiminthefriendzone,becauseheneverpressuresme.That,andbecauseofmy

past,myheartisguardedagainstmeningeneral.ButLukeisdifferent—he’smyfriendandIvalue

ourfriendshipalotandwouldhatetoseethatchange.NixonandIstartedoutasfriendstoo,andwhat

Ithoughtwasthebestthingwhenwebecamemore,turnedouttobetheworstdecisionI’devermade.

Idon’twanttomakethesamemistaketwice.ButLukeisgorgeous,sotheattractioniseasilythere.

Andasmyfriend,Idotrusthim…

Finishingmydrink,Isetitdownanddecidetoliveinthemoment,knowing…Lukeisnot

Nixon.Heplaceshishandatthesmallofmyback,hislipshoveringovermine.Myinsidesheatashe

inchescloser,comingin,andIlookintohisbrowneyes,whicharedancinginthebarlights.

Thenhedoesit,hekissesmeandeverythingthatIwassoscaredof,feelssoright.Ikisshim

back,ourtonguesworkingtogether.DesirefillingmybodyasIweavemyfingersintothebackofhis

hair.Idon’tthinkIwanttostop.

Grabbinghishand,Idraghimawayfromthebarandtowardsthebathroom,feelingvery

wobbly,butdetermined.MyheadishangingforwardasIpushthedooropenandpullhiminside.He

smirksatmeasIpushhisbackagainstthedoor,andhedoesn’twasteanothersecond,kissingme

again.HislipsareovermineandItastehimasthesamesparkerupts.SinceNixon,I’vebeenwitha

fewguys,butIdon’tletmyfeelingsgetinvolved.However,beingwithLukerightnow,inthis

moment,feelslikemorethanarandomhook-up,andI’mokaywiththat;Ineedit.Lukemakesme

feelsafeandItrusthim.

Webothgetcarriedaway.Myinsidesareonfire,neverimaginingthatLukeandIwouldbe

doingthisanditcouldfeelsogood.Hecupsmyfaceforabriefmoment,lookingdeepintomyeyes.

“God,Iwantyou.”He’sbreathlessandIcan’tdenyit…Iwanthimtoo.

“Thenfuckme.”

Heshakeshishead,bitinghisbottomlip,andrefusinghisgood-guymomentbeforeitgoesany

further,Iliftmytanktopovermyhead.Mybreastsgapebackathim,andbeforeIknowit,he’sinside

mypants.“God,I’vedreamedaboutthissomanytimes,”hesays,andIcan’tevenprocessit,just

needinghiminsideme,needingagoodpoundingandtocome.Sexpost-Nixonhasbecomeafeel-

first-think-laterkindofthing.“Doyouhaveacondom?”

Hepullsoneoutofhiswalletandhandsittome.Itearitopenaswebothshimmyourpants

down.“Shouldwedothishere?”heasksme,andagainIbatawayhishesitationasIrollthecondom

downhiscock,liftmyleg,andslidehimintomybody.“Ohfuck,Cam.”

Jesus,he’shardandfeelssofuckinggoodinsideme.“Keepyourbackonthedoor,”Itellhim

asIhearsomeoneoutside.Webegintomovetogether,myfingersholdingontohisneck,mypussy

clenching.Lettinghimworkmegood,fuckingmethewayIneed.

“Yes,Luke,”Imoan,andhesays,“Ilovewhenyousaymyname.”

“Fuckme,Luke,”Ichantagain,ashe’srubbingtherightspot.Ilookintohiseyes,never

imaginingthatsexwithhimcouldbethisgood.Hestaresbackatme,relentlesslyfuckingme,

grippingmythighlikehislifedependsonit.Hismouthisajar,andhegrins,goingalittleharderas

hepleasesmesofuckingwell,onlyseemingtocareaboutmypleasureaswebothgetsweptaway,

ourbodiesmovingsowelltogether.

Chapter2

Nixon

Withmyhandsaroundherhips,Ipumpmycockinandout.She’sontopofme,ridingmydick,and

keepsbeggingformore.“Harder,Nixon.”Islamherpussy,givingherwhatsheasksfor.She’s

fuckingmelikeshecan’tgetenoughandIloveit.EverynerveendingisfiringonallcylindersasI

workhertightcuntsogood.

Thesunisabouttocapthemorningsky,andIcan’twaittohitsomewavesafterIblowmyload.

“Yes,”shemoanslouder,andIcursemyselffornotrememberingthischick’sname.Imetherat

thebarlastnight,andwhelp…hereweare.

Asliverofsunslicesacrosshertits,andIhaveahardtimefocusingonanythingelse.They

bounce,mymouthwateringatIwatchthem.ThenIflipheronherback,needingtotastethem.She

laughsasIhoveroverher.“God,you’reananimal.”

“Youlikegettingfuckedhard,don’tyou?”Iaskandlickacirclearoundoneofhernipples.

Stoppingourmovementsforabriefsecond,shenodsherhead.“Thengrabontoyourthighs,likea

goodgirl.”Slidingmyhandsupherback,Iwrapmyfingersoverhershouldersandfuckher‘til

she’sinalittlepain.Ilikefuckingwomenrighttotheedge.KeepingmystrokesfirmanddeepasI

workherhardlikeshelikes,itpushesherovertheedge.Watchinghercomecausesmetoblowhard,

enjoyinghertightpussymilkingme,curlingmytoes,pumpingmydickdry.

Alowgruntcracklesinmythroat,andwhenIfinish,Igetoffherandsitontheedgeofthebed

lookingoutatthebeach,stillfeelingalittledrunkfromthenightbefore.I’mstokedthatmyauntlets

mestayhere,eventhoughIhaven’tpaidhershitinrent.IwishIcaredalittlebitmoreaboutlife,but

I’mtoofuckedupsinceleavingtheNavy.WhatIthoughtmyfuturewasgonnabehasdisintegrated

beforemyeyes,andinthewastelandthatremains,Ifindmyselfdrowningthedaysaway,surfing,

drinking,andfucking.

“Iseverythingokay?”thechickasksme.

“Yeah,what’syournameagain?”Iaskher.

“Areyoufuckingserious?”

“Yup,Ireallyhaveashittymemory.”

“Fuckyou!”sheretortsandthrowsapillowatme,snatchingherclothesfromthefloor.It

alwaysworkstogetthemoutofmybed…butthistime,Ireallydon’trememberhername.

“IsitAmber?”IaskasItossthecondomintothetrashcanandglanceovermyshoulderather

assheisgettingdressed.

“You’reanasshole,youknowthat?”

“SoI’vebeentold,sweetheart.”Ipullonmyboardshortsandopentherearslidingdoortomy

condo.Sheglares,butit’swastedonmeasItakemysurfboard,makingmywaydowntothewater.

Thesandisalreadywarmbetweenmytoes,andIfuckin’lovethefeeling.Thistimeofyearin

Florida,it’salwaysfuckinghot,butit’swhyIlivehere.ThewavesaredecentandIcansurfwhenever.

WadingoutinthecoolAtlanticOcean,Iclimbonmyboardandpaddleabit.Myeyesareonthesun

asitwarmsmyface.

Breathingintheair,Ihopethatstartingworktodaywillgivemethepurposeandadrenalinethat

Ineedinmylife.ImissbeingintheNavy.Itwasmylife…myfutureandIlostitalloverone

goddamnmistake.LikeI’vedonetimeandtimeagaininmylife.Somaybethisnextadventurewillbe

exactlywhatIneed,andIcandoitright.

Thesunhasfullyrisen,castingsomedoperaysacrossthesky.Thewavescrashbeneathme,

andIturnmybackontheyelloworb,lookingtomyleftasamassivewaveforms.Paddlingforward

tocatchit,Ihopupandturnmyboard,butsuddenlyplummetforward,tumblingbeneaththesalt

water.Idon’tbotherrushingup.Icanholdmybreathforsixminutes…askillthatItrainedforyears

toaccomplish,askillthatInolongerhaveausefor.Sittingunderthewavesastheycrashaboveme,

myboardpushesandpullsasit’sstrappedtomyankle.Thewaterburnsmyopeneyes,butbeing

underwaterisfuckingamazing.It’swhereIfeelathomeandaboutallIhavetolookforwardto

anymore.

FinallyIcomeupforairandthenridesomewaves.KnowingthatI’mjoiningmynewunit

todaygetsmeout.Idon’twanttobelateorfuckitup.

Goingbacktomyplace,Iglancearoundandthegirlfromlastnightisgone,thankGod.Ipour

agenerousamountofcheapvodkainaglass,enoughtostartmydayoffright,andthenturnthe

showeron.ButIlaughoutloudwhenIseewhatshewroteonthemirror,withwhatI’mguessingwas

redlipstick.“Amywashere!”“Amy”isunderlinedandIchuckletomyself.Amy,Amber,reallyno

differencetome.

Aftershowering,Igetdressed,garglesomemouthwash,thenwalkouttomytrucktodriveto

thebase.IleasedthisbabythedayIgothomefromCoastGuardbootcamp,takingfulladvantageof

themilitarydiscountstheywerehandingoutatthedealership.Haven’tpaidadimesince…soI’msure

anydaynowandit’llbegone.Likeeverythingelse.

AsIparkinthelot,Ilookaroundatallthehelicoptersandboatsthataredockedallaroundthe

baseandI’msounbelievablyreadyforthis.Thisgigisgoingtobefuckingamazing.Waybetterthan

slummingordersfromsomeassholethatatanymomentcanmakethedecisiononwhetheryoulive

ordie.

Onmywayinside,IpassaJayhawkandstareatit;thebladesarehugeastheyslowlywhipin

theair.Thecrewmustbegettingreadyfortake-off.Ikindahopemylieutenantstationsmeintheair;

itwouldbeacoolchange.Imean,Ilovethewater,it’soneofthethingsIlovedmostaboutbeinga

SEAL.ThatwasbeforeIkickedtheshitoutofmycaptain,whichgotmeordersbacktotheStatesthe

sameday.Doesn’tmatterthough…Iwasneveraliferlikemostguys.IthoughtIwasforafewyears.I

followedinmydad’sfootstepsandbecameaSEAL,wantingtohonorhisnameandthemanhewas…

butnothingcanprepareyouforwhatbeingaNavySEALislike.Death—theunknown—sacrifices—

allforwhat?Afewfuckingstarsandmedals?Noneofthatshitbringsbackthelivestheytakeorthe

friendsyoulose.It’swhyIgotkickedout—mytempergotthebetterpartofmeaftermycaptainmade

abadcallduringoneofourraidsandoneofthebestguy’sonmyteampaidwithhislife.

Shakingawaythenegativitythatfestersinsideofme,Iwalkinandtellthehottiebehindthe

desk,“Hi,I’mheretoseeLieutenantBoscov.”

“Andyouare?”

“NixonAndrews.”

“Pleasehaveaseat,sir.”

ShepointstoagroupofchairsthatIpassonsittingin,insteadlookingthroughawallofglass

windowsintothehugeshopwheretheyworkonthehelicopters.Thereareatonofguysallhardat

work.

“Nixon,”mynewlieutenantcallsout.

IturnandseetheoldergentlemanwhoIwasassignedtoreportunder.He’sseemedprettycool

aboutgivingmeasecondchance.WhichI’mgratefulfor,‘causeifitwasn’tforhim,I’dbeslinging

burgersforminimumwageorsomeshit.

“Howareyou,sir?”

“Verywell.It’sgreattoseeyou,Nixon.”

Weshakehandsandhesays,“Listen,Iknowwetalkedaboutafewoptionsforyou,butIthinkI

foundapermanentspotwhereyou’llfitrightin,andit’sintheair,whichyou’veexpressedthat’s

whereyou’dliketobe.Theyareanexcellentrescueflightcrewthatisdownacrewmember.It’sa

tight-knitgroup,butIthinkwithyourknowledgeandskillset,itcouldbeagoodfit.”

“AslongasI’mbusyandsavingpeople,I’mgood,sir.”

“Oh,youwillbe.”

“Verygood,sir.”

“Great.Sowhatdoyousay…wannameetthecrew?”

“Yes.Thankyouverymuchforgivingmethisopportunity,sir.”

“You’reverywelcome,Nixon.”

HewalksoffandIfollowbehindhim,noticingthegirlatthedeskwatchingme.Igivehera

wink;she’sfuckableforsure.

“Cameron?”mylieutenantcallsout,andwhenIglanceupandseeher…I’mshocked.No

fuckingway.

Chapter3

Cameron

Sonofabitch!

“ThisisNixonAndrews.He’sfreshoutofbootcamp,butanex-NavySEALandwillbeyour

newAST,”Mack,mylieutenant,says.

Iswallow,shocked,lookingNixonintheeyeagain.Howisthisevenremotelyfucking

possible?NixonandIshakehandsawkwardly,thefeelingofhisfingersonminemakingmyheart

skipabeat.Webothactlikewehavenocluewhotheotherpersonis,butevenafterallthistime,Ilose

mybreath.Myheartinmythroat,myeyesarewidelookingathimagain.God,he’schanged.I’d

barelyrecognizehim,ifIsawhimonthestreet.He’ssodifferent,yetthesame.Hisblackhairand

blueeyesresembletheoldNixon,butIcansensefromhisbodylanguagethathe’sclosedoffandthe

painwithinhimisclearashetriestohideit.He’sbeenthroughalot,justlikeConnerwarnedme.

“Lieutenant?”someonecallsoutforMack,andhesaystous,“Couldyoubothexcusemereal

quick?”

InodandNixonsays,“Absolutely,sir.”TheNavymust’vereallygivenhimsomemanners.

“So,youworkinthefield?”Nixonasksme,seeminglyshocked.

Iholdbackthederisivelaughhisobviousincredulitybringsburstingup.Mixedemotionsofall

sortsarerunningthroughmeasmymindtriestounscramble.Ihaven’tseenhiminfiveyears,and

that’sthefirstthinghesaystome?

“YouknewIworkedhere.Connertoldyou.”

“Uh…no,hedidn’t.YouthinkI’dbehereifIknewyouwouldbe?”

“Areyoukiddingme?DoIrepulseyouthatmuch,Nixon?”

“No,obviouslyyoudon’trepulseme,butIknowyouhateme,soIdon’twanttobearoundthat

daily.”

“Well,itsoundslikethatisexactlywhatyou’reinfor.Outofalltheplaces…why—”

Hecutsmeoff,“Icanseeyouhaven’tchangedonebit…stillenjoyingbeingafuckingnag.”

“Fuckyou!”

HestaresatmeasIcrossmyarmsovermychestandthensays,“Youlookgood,Cam,really

fuckinggood.”

“Sorryaboutthat,”Macksayscomingbackovertous,myfacebeetredandabouttoexplodeas

IpushNixonoutofmythoughts.I’llbedamnedifIlethimintomyhead.Hewon’tfuckthisupfor

me…nomatterwhat.

“Didyoutwogetachancetomeet?”

“Yeah,”Irespondandstillcan’tbelievethisishappening.

“Great.AreGuyandLukeoutatthehelicopter?”

“Ithinkso.”

“I’mgoingtointroduceNixontothem.Thenheshouldbereadyforatrialrunwithyouguys.”

“Worksforme,”Icanbarelychokeoutthewords,butIforcemyselfto.

TheywalkoffandIstareattheground,myheadspinningandmyheartpoundingashardasit

didthedayNixonleft,bringingsomanyemotionsbacktothesurface.Justwhenthingsaregoingso

wellforme.Workisgood,Connerwillbehomesoon,andIfinallyfoundsomeoneIthinkIlikein

Luke.SomeonethatIcantrustandwhoacceptsmeforme.Hedoesn’tpushmetogivehimmoreor

anythinglikethat.Afterourhookuptheothernight,thingshavebeensocoolbetweenus,it’sbeen

likenothinghappened.Thatawkwardnessisn’tthere,thingsarejustnormalandthat’swhatIneed.

That’swhyIthinkLukeandIcouldhavesomething.

Butnow,here’sNixonoutoftheblue,crashinginonthings,makingmeinstantlysecond-guess

itall,givingmeasuddentsunamioffeelingsI’veworkedsolongtopushdownandlockaway.

Pickingupmyclipboard,Iholdontoittightly,mynailsdiggingintotheback.

Icanseetheguysoutsideallshakinghandsandbeingchummy.I’msurehe’sgoingtodo

whateverhecantomaketheguyslikehim.Jesus,I’mfucked.InevertoldGuyorLukeaboutNixon,

sothey’renotgoingtounderstandmydislikeforhim.Theyhavenoclueofthepainhecausedme.

Growingup,itwasalwaysmybrother,Nixon,andIhangingout.Wewerethebestoffriends

sincewewereyoung,spendingdayinanddayouttogether.Thenastimewenton,Ideveloped

feelingsforNixonandfoughtthemforyears.Hewasmyfriend;Ididn’twanttoruinthat.Butdeep

down,therewasmoretomyfeelingsforhimandIneededtoacknowledgeit,andIneededtoknowif

hefeltthesameaboutme.Afterbattlingforsolong,Ifinallygaveinandsodidhe.Andfromthat

momenton,itwasawhirlwindofarelationship,nothingcouldstopusorcomebetweenus.AndasI

lookedforwardtothefuturemorethanIeverhadinmyentirelife,heputitallinjeopardy.

Everythinghepromisedmehunginthebalanceofasinglechoice—onedecision,andintheblinkof

aneye,hewentbackonitallandsnatcheditaway,includingmybrother,whentheybothjoinedthe

Navy.Itkilledmeintheprocessfromtheinsideout…

…“Conner?Nixon?”Icalloutgettinghomefromswimpracticeearly.ButthenormalresponseI

getfromthemdoesn’tcome.IcheckmyphoneforanymessagesfromeitherandIdon’tseeany,soI

figuretheyareupstairs.

Headingup,IhearthemtalkinginConner’sroom.Ireachforthedoorhandle,butI’mstopped

deadinmytracksasIhearNixonsay,“Comeon,man,she’llbefine.”

“Iknowshewill,butIfeelbadwehaven’teventoldheryet.”

“Wewill,man,whenthetime’sright.”

“Thisissuchahugedecision.Howcanyoubesosure?”Conneraskshim.

“Idon’thaveachoice.Mydaddiedfightingforourcountry.Ihavetofollowinhisfootsteps.I

havetohonorhisname.Thisisallheeverwantedmetodo.”

“Don’tyoufeelbadthatyoutoldCamyouweren’tgonnajoin?”

“Ido,andIdon’twanttohurther,butdeepdown,Iknowthisismydestiny.Itdoesn’tfeelright

toignoreitanymore.SheknowsIreallyconsideredcollege…butIjustcan’t.Butenoughaboutme,you

gottafuckingstopswayingbackandforthandmakeupyourmind,bro.”

“Iwill,butIneedalittlemoretimetowrapmyheadaroundeverything,tomakesurethatthisis

reallywhatIwant...”

Iconfrontedthemrightaway,andtheybothconfirmedtheywerejoiningtheNavy.Itwaslike

ConnerhadsuddenlymadeuphismindandNixonseemedtoactlikeIshouldknowhewasdoingthis.

Overthelastyear,sincehisfatherhadbeenkilledbyenemyfireintheNavy,itseemedlike

Nixonhadbeenpushingmeaway.Ihadassumedthatitwassimplyhisgriefweighingonhim,butasI

lookback,Icanseethathewasalsodisconnectingfromme,preparingforwhathefeltlikehehadto

dotohonorhisfather ’smemory.

But,itdidn’tmatterwhatIsaidtohimorConner;therewasnotalkingthemoutofit.They’d

alreadygonebehindmyback,mybrotherandthefirstguyI’deverloved.TheonlypeopleIhadin

thisworldhadsignedtheirlivesawaywithouteventalkingtomeaboutitfirst.Iwould’veneverdone

anythinglikethattothem.Itcrushedeveryonethatcaredforthem.ThefutureNixonandIhadtalked

aboutwasnowonholdashewasgoingtoriskhislifeandpossiblynotcomehome.Thefeelingso

unsettling,Istillhaveanxietytothisday.

Andaweeklater,totheday…itwastimeforbothtogo.Ididn’tthinkthey’dactuallyleave,and

certainlynotsosoon.Buttheydid,theirpatriotismsuddenlytakingpriorityoverthebondsweshared.

AndnomatterhowhardItriedtotalkthemoutofit,Icouldn’t.They’dalreadycommittedandmade

uptheirminds.

Whichisevencrazier,becauseNixonsworetomehe’dneverjoinafterhisdaddiedand

Connernevertalkedaboutwantingto.

Tothisday,Connerswearsleavingwasonehundredpercenthischoice,andmaybeitwas,but

deepdown,IknowNixoninfluencedhim.IheardwhatIheardandsawthewayConnerlookedupto

him.Hewashisrolemodel.Upuntilthen,Conneralwayshaddreamstosailtheworldlikeour

parents,notsavetheworldandbecomeaNavySEAL.

Theworstpartofall,aswesaidgoodbye,Nixonbrokeupwithme.Hesaidhewantedmeto

followmydreams,likehewas,butthatwasthelastthingIwanted.Hedidn’twantmewaitingaround.

Hewantedmetogoonandlivemylife,buthowcouldIwhenhe’dbecomemylife.Ibeggedhimto

notendthings,buthesaiditwasformyowngood.Thathedidn’twantmetoendupalonelikehis

mom.Andasheletmego,Ifeltmyinsidesdying,andtohim,itseemedlikeitwasnobigfucking

deal.

Itfeltlikelosinghimthen,orwhetherI’dlosthimlaterinsometragicmilitaryincident,itwas

allthesame.Ittookmeyearstoletgoofhim,andthegoddamnminutethatIthinkIcanactually

moveonandhavesomethingrealwithsomeoneasgoodasLuke,herehefuckingis,backinmylife,

notcaringonebitaboutwhathedidtome,oraboutwhatIwentthrough.Notapologizingaboutwhat

hedidtomebackthenorisdoingtomenow.

***

“Youeverpilotedbefore?”LukeasksNixonovertheradioasweareoutonoursecondtestrun

oftheday.

“No,Iwaspartofateamthatdidtacticalmissions.Leavingtheshipandgoinginonland,doing

raidsandsearches.”Jesus,I’malreadysickofhowmuchLukeandGuyaresuckinguptohim.It’s

Conner2.0.

“Why’dyouleave?”

“IgotintoitwithmyCaptainandkickedtheshitoutofhim.ButIneededachangeanyway.”

Ihuffintotheradio,knowingthat’salie.Hedidn’twantachange.I’msureofit.Thiscan’t

makehimhappyintheslightest.ClearlyhealwayswantedtobeaSEAL,evenifheliedtomeabout

joining,itallcameoutintheend.

It’snotthatI’mevenmadathimanymore;I’veletgoofthepastandmovedonfromallhisshit.

Itwassolongago.I’vedonewellformyself.I’mindependentandhappyandwillnever,everdepend

onanyoneagaininmylife.AtleastnotthewayIdidhimandmybrother.

Lookingoverathimashesitsbackandlooksouthiswindow,Iwonder,whycomebackhere?I

mean,thisareaiswhereheisfrom,butwhytheCoastGuard?

“Hey,Cam,yourbrother ’saSEAL,right?”Guyasksme.

“Uh-huh.”

“That’scool,”Nixonresponds,clearlynotwantingtheguystoknowaboutourpast,sameas

me.

“We’llbeapproachingthesiteinninetyseconds,”Lukesays.

“Ten-four,”IrespondandunstrapmyharnessasNixondoesthesame.

“Areyousureyou’rereadytodothis?”Iaskhimsarcastically.

“Hellyeah,Iam.”

Ihooktherepellinglinetohisharnessandopenthedoortothehelicopter.Hiseyesareonme,

alloverme.Takingaroundliferaft,Itossitoutoftheaircraft,watchingitspilldowntotheocean.

“That’syourmark,”Itellhim.“Youhavesixtysecondstobringitbackup.”

“You’recleartodescend,”Guysays.

“Ready?”

Henodsonceandgetsinposition,andIdon’thesitatepushingthebuttonthatlowershimtothe

water.Lookingdown,itisacalmday.Squintingmyeyes,Icalculatehowcloseheistotheocean.He

waveshisarmsignalingmetostop,butIcan’t.Holdingthebuttondownalltheway,itslamshiminto

theAtlantic.

“Whatthefuck,Cam?”Lukehollersatme,lookingdownatNixonsoakingwetinthewater.

“Sorry,myfingerslipped.”

“Yourfingerhasneverslipped,Cameron,”Guyscoldsme.

“What,youthinkIdidthatonpurpose?Idon’tusuallyrunthisthing;itseemsabitjerky.”Guy

andLukelookateachotherandIaskthem,“What?”

“Youokay?You’veseemedalittleofftoday.”

“No,Ihaven’t,”Iargueback.“I’mfine.”

“Whatever,bringhimbackup,”Guysays.

Nixonisholdingontothelifering,andasIpressthebuttontopullhimbackup,Lukeasksme,

“Areyousureyou’reokay?”

“Yeah,whywouldyouthinkI’mnot?”

“Youdon’tseemlikeyourself.”

“I’malittleoutofmyelementwithoutSethhere.ThingsareharderthanIthoughtthey’dbe.”

“Who’sSeth?”Nixonasksme.

IforgotallaboutNixonforamomentandasIlookoutthehelicopter,he’satthedoor.“He’s

theguywhousedtoworkwithus.”

“What,didyoudatehim?”Nixonasksme,likehehasarighttoknowandLukewinksatme,

remindingmeoftheothernightandwhat’simportant—it’snotNixon.Ismile,rememberingtheway

Luke’slipsfeltonmine.

“No,wejustworkedtogetherforalongtime.”

“That’scool,”Nixonresponds,andInoticehisjawisclenched.

“Youdatinganyonenow?”heasksme,andIignorehim,notwantingtotalkaboutmypersonal

life.Plus,Idon’tknowwhatLukeandIare,ifanything,andwedidn’ttellGuy.Notthatit’sasecret,

butfornow…itseemstobeforthebest.Nixonhasnorighttoaskmeanything.Helostthatright

whenheleftme,turninghisbackonmeandtakingawaythefutureweweremeanttohave.Hehadno

righttomakethosechoicesforme,regardlessofhisreasons.Ideservedasayinitall.

Chapter4

Nixon

“Youcomingoutwithus,brother?”Guyasksme.

IlookatCameronandcanseehowbotheredsheisbyme.“Nah,I’mgood.I’vegotother

plans.”

“Comeon,”Lukesays,“Justonedrink,man.Youkickedassintrainingtoday—let’scelebrate.”

CameronputshershoesonandIblinkafewtimescontemplatingwhattodo.“Comeon,

Cameron,tellhimyouwanthimtocome.”

“He’sagrownman,”shetellsLuke.“Lethimmakehisowndamndecisions.Heseemspretty

capabletome.”

Damn,whatajab.DidIreallyhurtherthatbad?Imean,weweresoyoungandInevertoldherI

lovedheroranything.Shecan’tstillbeholdingontotheshitfromthepast…canshe?Imean,Ididit

forherowngood.Isawwhatlosingmydaddidtomymom,Icouldn’taskhertoputherlifeonhold

forme,inhopesI’dreturnandnotbefuckedup.“Whereareyouguysgoing?”Iask,consideringone

drink,justtogetunderherskinalittlebitmore.

TheybothlookatCameron,likeshe’stheirfuckin’boss,andsheshrugshershoulders,“Idon’t

care.”

“There’sabarcalledWilly’sOceanside,”Guytellsme.

I’vebeentherebefore,soI’mfamiliarwithwhereit’sat.“Youheadedtherenow?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool,I’llswingbyandknockafewdownwithyouguys.”

Cameronsighslikethenewsofmejoiningisgoingtokillher.It’sthesamesoundshe’sbeen

givingmeallgoddamnday.Maybeshedoesn’twanttobearoundmebecauseshestillcan’tletmego,

whichisnowaytolive,inmyopinion.Butit’snotmyfuckinglife…it’shers.Reachingdown,Igrab

mybagfromthebenchnexttoherandwhisperinherear,“Wereyoureallythathunguponmy

dick?”

“Fuckyou,”shemuttersback,andIturnaround,lovinghoweasilyIcangettoher.I’vealways

beenabletopushherbuttonsandclearlystillcan.It’soneofthereasonsIfinallycrossedthelinewith

her.We’dalwaysbanterbackandforth,mostofwhichwouldturnintowrestling,untilonenightwhen

itledtomore.ThesecondIwasinsidehertightpussy,itwasasifshe’dcastafuckin’spelloverme.

Nothingelsematteredforthebetterpartofthenextyear,excepther.AllIwantedtodowasbearound

her,tobeinsideher.Sheconsumedme,butitcouldn’tstopfatefromknockingatmydoor.

SayinggoodbyetoLukeandGuy,Ileaveandgostraighttothebar.Ireallydon’thaveanything

elsetodotonight.Icouldtextbackanyofthechicksthatareblowingupmyphone,butI’dratherget

ajumpstartondrinkingandfindsomeonenewtobang.

SittingontherooftopdeckatWilly’sOceanside,IcanseetheAtlanticfrommyseat.

“Hereyougo,Nixon,”thesexyblondewaitresssays,settingdownapitcherofbeerandtwo

shots.Iknockoneback,noticingthatshe’sstillstandingtherewatchingme.AsIsettheglassdown,I

lookupatherandshesays,“Youdon’trememberme,doyou?”

Thefeelingofmortificationnolongerexists,asthishappensmoreoftenthannot.Firststep,I

lookforanametag,whichisnotthere.Butshehasanicerack.

“Ofcourse,Irememberyou,”Ilietoher,knowingshe’llgiveinandtellmeallaboutwhatwedid,

nowthatI’veclaimedtorememberher.

“Youdo?”

“Yeah,absolutely.”

“Thenwhydidn’tyoutextmeback?”

“Ihadtogetanewphone,droppedmyotheroneonthejob.”Ishakemyphoneinfrontofher

andshesmilesatme.

“Soyoustarted?”sheasksme,andthefuzzyrecollectionstartstocomeback…Iwasdrunkand

ramblingaboutmyCoastGuardtraining.

“Yeah,I’mactuallymeetingmycrewheretonight.”

“Nixon!”Lukeshouts,walkingupthestairswithCameronandGuybehindhim.

“What’sup,brother?”IshakehishandanddothesametoGuy,thenawkwardlygiveCamerona

hug.Damn,shesmellsthesame—thatfuckingsmellofcoconutandtheoceanalwaysgotmycock

excited.

“Iwasjustgonnaorderforyouguys,”Itellthemandthewaitresssays,“Hi,I’mLucy.Whatcan

Igetyoualltodrink?”Lucy,fuck,howcouldIforgethernamewasLucy?

“We’lltakeapitcheralso.Stella’sgoodandfourshotsoftequilaplease,”Guyordersforthem

andpassesherhiscard.

“Keepem’coming,”ItellLucy,happytotakeadvantageofGuy’scard.Iknockmyothershot

backsincethereisathirdonitsway.Asshewalksoff,weallthreestareather,andCameronclears

herthroatpullingusbacktoreality.

“So,youguyscomehereoften,orwhat?”Iaskthem,quicklyrecovering.

“Sometimes,”Guyssays,andInoticethatCameronisrestingherheadonherhand,lookingout

atthewater.Theguysdon’tseemtonoticeherdisconnect,soIignoreittoo.

“Wegooutoccasionally,whenwedon’thavetoworkthenextday,”Lukesays.“Butitreally

dependswherewefeellikegoing.Therearesomanycoolspotshere.”

“Really?Howdoyounotgetsickandtiredofeachother?”

Theylookbackandforth,andCameronsighs…again.Lucysetstheshots,pitcher,andastack

ofcupsdown.IcanbarelyhearCameronorderingsomethingelsefromher.“ToNixon!”Luke

exclaims,andGuyresponds,“Here,here!”IslammyshotonthetableandwatchCameronasshe

swallowsherswithoutevenraisingherglass,thenaskher,“CouldIholleratyou,alone,realquick?”

I’mdonewithherbullshit.

Sheshakesherheadandgoesbacktostaringoutatthewater.Lucypassesherwhatever

concoctionsheorderedandGuyasksher,“Cam,what’sgoingon?”

“Nothing,Itoldyouguys,ImissSeth.That’sall.”Lukepullsheragainsthischestandshehugs

himclosely.Seeinghishandsonherlightsafireinsideme.She’snotmine,I’mnotfuckingstupid,

butIstilldon’tlikethethoughtofanyoneelsetouchingher.Shelooksupathimandthenclosesher

eyes,likehehassomefuckingpoweroverher.Holyshit…shelikeshim.

“Isthatreallyall?”Iaskherpointblank,tiredofherstupidgamesandhopingit’llgetherout

ofhisarms.

SheignoresmeandIflickherarm,forcinghertoturnandlookatme.“Don’tfuckingtouch

me!”shesnarls,overreactingtoalittleflick.Icansensetheguysareshockedbyherreaction,not

surewhattodo.

“Isthatreallyall?”IaskheragainandfinallyLukeletshergo.

“Justletherbe,man,”Lukesays,stickingupforher,andIsitbackinmychairdowningmy

beer,wishingshe’dstopbeingsuchabitch.

“Sosorry,”Irespondwithasarcastictoneasanawkwardvoidfillstheair.Ishouldtellthem

aboutus,butIsenseitcouldcomplicatethingsevenmore,andpossiblymaketheguysnotlikeme.I

needthemonmysideifIwantthisassignmenttoworkout.AndIreallydo—beingintheairtoday

wasawesome.Ilovedit,andIcan’tlie…Ineedthemoney.

“Ididn’tmeantotouchyou,”Itellher,asshestillignoresme.“IonlywantedtoknowwhatIdid

toupsetyou.”Icanseethebackofherheadshakealittle.Shedoesn’twanttodiscussthingsortellthe

guysaboutus.

“Youtwogood?”Lukeasksus,asGuyisonhisphone.

“Iam,ifyouare?”Shenodsandsetsheremptydrinkdown.Guypassesherhisphoneandsays,

“It’sSeth.”

ShesmilesmorethanI’veseenfromherasshebringsittoherearandwalksawaytothe

railingtotalktohim.

“Sotheywerereallythatclose?”Iask.

“Oh,yeah,andyou’llgettherewithhertoo.Giveitalittletimeandgoeasyonher.She’sbeen

throughalotinherlife.”

“Yeah?Likewhat?”Iask,curiousastowhatshe’stoldthem.

“Herparentsleftherwhenshewasseventeentosailaroundtheworldandrightafter,her

brotherjoinedtheNavy.Hewasherbestfriendandhasonlybeenhometwicesinceheleft,”Guy

says.

“Damn,thatsucks.”

“Yeah,sowe’reallshe’sgot.Goeasyonher,wouldya?”

“Surething.”Ifinishmybeerandrefillmyglassfromthepitcher,notabletohelpmyselffrom

staringatCameron’sass.Damn,shewashotbackthen,butshe’satanewfuckin’levelnow!

“Sowhat’syourstory,man?”Lukeasksme.ItoldthemalittleearlierhowIwasaNavySEAL,

butIdidn’telaborateasIsensedCamerontensethemomentIbroughtitup.

“Notmuchofastory.I’mlaidback.I’maworkhard,playhardkindaguy.I’maddictedto

surfingandwomen…really,that’sit.I’mprettyclosewithmyfamily.Theyallliveinlandabit.”

“Nosteadywomaninyourlife?”Lukeasks.

“Nah,butIdidhitourwaitresstheothernight,”Isaywithagrin.“You?”

HeshakeshisheadandtheybothchuckleasGuysays,“Ihaveagirlfriend,Macey,been

togetherforaboutayearnow.”

“Shedoesn’tmindyouworkingwithagirlandgoingoutwithheronyourfreenights?”

“Nah,thegirlsaretight.Maceyisanursesosheworksthenightshift.Doesn’tleavemuchfor

meathomemosteveningswhenI’moff.”

Luke’sphonebuzzesandheglancesatit,thenhesays,“Hey,man,youeverbeenskydiving?”

“Fuckyeah!Why?”

“Tomorrow’smybirthdayandwebookedthisbigskydivingtripawhileback.Itotallyforgot

totellthemthatSethwasn’tcomingnowthathe’sgone.Doyouwanttotakehisspot?”

“Yousure,bro?Cameronwouldn’tmind?”

“Noway,she’llbefinewithit.”

“Finewithwhat?”sheaskspassingGuybackhiscellphone.

“IinvitedNixontojumpwithustomorrow.”

“Cool,”sheresponds,likeit’snobigdealandwavesLucybackover.Howdidshegofromnot

beingabletostandme,toacceptingthefactthatI’mcomingwiththemtomorrow?Imean,notthat

I’mcomplaining.Iwasgettingprettyexhaustedofherbitchyattitude.Ifshe’sgonnabecool,thenso

amI.

Lucywalksoff,myeyesalloverherass,andsheglancesbackatme,noddingthatIfollowher.

“Youguysexcusemerealquick?”Iask.

“Sure,”theguysrespondandCameronlookslikeshecouldbesickasIfollowLucy,smacking

herassandrushingherintothebathroom.ShelicksherlipsandImakesurethatIdon’tforgether

name,‘causeI’mnotonlytakingherhometonight,butI’mgonnasnagaquickblowjobbeforewe

go.

Chapter5

Cameron

“Cam?”myheadispoundingassomeoneisbangingonmyfrontdoor.Gettingup,I’mstillwobbly.

Goddammit,Idrankwaytoomuch.

“Coming!”Ihollerandstumbleacrosstheroom.

Openingthedoor,it’sGuy.He’sgotacoffeeineachhand,andIgladlyacceptitthengesture

himinside.“Howareyounothungover?”Iaskashelookslikehe’sreadyforwork.

“Ididn’tdrinkadozenlongislandicedteas.”

“Ididn’teither,”Iargueback,squintingupathim,thesunsobrightcomingthroughthe

windowsithurts.“Yeah,youdid,”heremindsme.

Dammit…IdidandIpoundedthemhardafterNixondisappearedwithourwaitress.Whoishe?

I’mstilldisgustedthinkingaboutit.

“Where’sMacey?”

“She’snotcoming.”

“Oh,comeon.Noteventowatchusjump?”

“No,youknowshehatesitwhenwedothistypeofshit.Shegotthenightoffthough,soshe’ll

beherelater,forthebarbecue.

“Igottatakeafewaspirin.”Iheadintomybathroom,hopingit’llclearmyheadache,andyell

outtohim,“DidyouseeLuke’sgift?Iputitonthecounter?”Myheadpoundsfromtalkingsoloudly.

IhearGuygetitoutofthebag.HeandIwenthalfersonasickassArchimede42automatic

watch,andIcan’twaitforLuketoseeit.Iknowhowmuchhe’sbeenwantinganewone;it’stheonly

thingheseemedtowant.Iwasconsideringgivinghimagoodfucking…butthatwasbeforeNixon

cameback.NowmywholeheadisfuckedupregardinghowIfeelabouttakingthingsfurtherwith

Luke.Notthatitshouldmatter,Nixonhasclearlymovedon,soIshouldtoo.

Guyyellsout,“SowhenwereyougonnatellusthatNixonisyourex?”

Iblinkafewtimes,stunned,staringatmyflushedexpression.LukeisgonnabepissedIdidn’t

tellhimmyself.GoddamnSeth!“Thatmotherfuckertoldyouguys?”

“Comeon,Cam,youknowtherules.Sethmightnotbeworkingwithusanymore,butwedon’t

keepsecretsfromeachother.Whydidn’tyoutellus?”

“Because…itwasalongtimeagoand…”Itrailoff,notevensurewhattosaytohim.I

should’vetoldthem,especiallysinceItoldSethwhenItalkedtohimlastnight.ButIneededhis

unbiasedadvice,andhesaidhewouldn’ttellGuyorLuke.He’dletmedoitwhenIwasready,but

clearlyheliedtome,likeallmendo.

“Itdoesn’tmatter,Guy.Wedatedwhenwewerereallyyoungandnowsomuchhaschanged.”

“Clearly,notalothas,”hejivesback.“Itallmakessensenow,whyyoudon’tlikehim.”

“WhatelsedidSethtellyou?”Iaskwalkingbackintothelivingroom.

“Nothing,hesaidhewasyourexandwantedustoknow,soyoudidn’tenduphurt…again.”

Walkinguptomyfridge,Igrabapictureoffofit.It’sofConner,Nixon,andme.Passingitto

Guy,Itakeaseatnexttohimashestudiesitandsays,“Iknewhelookedfamiliar.”

“WasheintheNavywithConner?”GuyasksmeandItakethepictureback,sippingonmy

coffee.

“Yeah,theyenlistedtogether.”

“IsthatwhyyouhateNixon?”

“Idon’thatehim.It’salongstory.”

“I’msuretheyhadtheirreasonsforjoining.”

“Ohwhat,likeneedingtoliveoutacalltopatriotismwithouteventellingtheonesyoulove?

ThenNixonbrokethingsoffwithme,‘causehedidn’twantmetoenduphurt,allwhilehurtingme,

leavingmesobbingonmyhandsandknees?Thosearevalidreasons?”Heshakeshishead,my

outrageclearlyalittledramatic,butIneedhimtounderstandthatNixonisn’tinnocentinallofthis

andthatmyangerforhimstemsfromhisactions.“Exactly,”Itellhim,“Itwasn’thischoicetomake,

whetherIstuckbyhimornot…itwasmine.Andthentoconvincemybrothertogowithhim,itkilled

me.”

“Icouldn’tevenimaginewhatyouwentthrough,Cam.I’msorry.”

“It’snotyourfault.I’vetriedtoletitgo…butseeinghimagainhasbroughtbacksomany

fuckingmemoriesandemotionsandthingsIjustwanttoforget.”

“Areyougonnabeabletoworkwithhim?”

“Ijustdon’tknowrightnow,Guy.”

Guy’sphoneringsandhecheckstoseewho’scalling.Shit,it’sLuke.Wegottago.Irunintomy

bedroomandquicklychange,thenbrushmyteethandhair,notsurehowIfeelaboutspendingtheday

withbothLukeandNixon.Searchingwithinmyselfforthestrengthtogetthroughit,Icandothis.It’s

Luke’sbirthday.Ican’tletanythingruinhisday.AsmuchasIhateNixon,Ihavetoputthatbehindme,

forLuke.

***

“Areyouexcited?”IaskLuke,sothankfulthatmyheadhasstoppedhurting,andhegivesmea

tighthug.Hehasn’tbroughtupawordaboutNixon,orwhateverSethtoldhim,soI’mnoteither,not

onhisbirthday.

“Youknowit,”hesayslookingdownatme,staringatmylips,andGuyasksus,ruiningthe

moment,“Whatjumpisthisforus?”

“Thirty-two,”Lukesaysandloosenshishold.

“That’sinsane.Bestbirthdayever,”Guysays.

“Isthiseveryone?”theinstructorasksuswhilewegetready.

“Nah,we’llhaveanotherguyjoiningus,”hetellsher.

“Ishelicensed?”

“I’mnotsure,”Lukesays,“He’sjumpedbeforethough.”

“Okay,well,youallknowthedrill,getsuitedup.”

ThethreeofusareallUSPA“A”licensed,sowecanjumpalone.I’massumingNixonisn’t,and

Ifindalittlesatisfactionthinkingthathe’llhavetojumpstrappedtoaninstructor.

Asweallbegintochange,Nixonstrollsinlikehe’shotshitwithhisownchuteonandnot

wearingashirt.Fuck,hedidn’tusedtobethathot.Iforcethethoughtintothebackofmyhead.It

doesn’tmatter.

“Sorry,I’mlate,Iwasalittlebusythismorning.”Vomitrisesinthebackofmythroat,knowing

exactlywhathe’sreferringto.

“It’sallgood,man.Gladyoucouldmakeit,”Luketellshim.

TheguysshakehandsandInoticeahugehickeyonNixon’sneck.What,isheinhigh

school?

“Morning,Cam.”Hegivesmeafirmhug,holdingmelongerthanI’dlike.Hishandsonme

sendmyheartintooverdriveandItellhim,“Don’tcallmethat.”TryingtothinkofanyjabthatIcan

togethimtoletmego.

“Comeon,whenareyougonnaletthepastgo?”

ThankfullytheinstructorcomesupbehindNixonandtheybegintotalkaboutthejump,soI

don’thavetoanswerhim.Ioverhearhimtellherhe’slicensedandhasoverahundredjumpsfrom

theNavy.IhadnoideawhathedidintheNavy—Connerwouldnevertellmeathingabouthimand

finallyIstoppedasking.

IfindmyselffullonwatchingNixontalk,whichhasmyinsidespulsating,andnotbecauseI’m

scaredforthejump,butbecauseIknowI’minforonehellofaday.Buriedbeneaththelayersofthe

façadethatIliveunder,Nixonawakenssomethinginsideofme,somethingthatI’veburiedforyears

nowandIdon’twanttoletout…Ican’t.

“Youokay?”Lukeasksme,pullingmeoutofmydaydream.

“Yeah,ofcourse.I’mgreat.”He’ssosweetandcaringashepushesmyhairbehindmyear.I

knowhewantswhatisbestforme,andobviouslynowthatheknowsaboutNixon,evenifhehasn’t

saidaword,hisguardisup.

“SorryIinvitedhim,”hesays.

“It’sallgood.”

“Yousure?”heasksme.

“Yeah,I’veletgoofthepast,we’recool.”Ihatetolie,butIdon’twantLukefeelingbadonhis

birthdayforsomethingsostupid.“Plus,today’saboutyou.”

Headingupintheplane,IlovethesmileandtheexpressiononLukeandGuy’sfaces;theywere

borntobeinthesky.Don’tgetmewrong,Ilovejumpingtoo…butIprefertobeinthewater.

“We’reapproachingtwelvethousandfivehundredfeet,”thepilotsaysandtheinstructoropens

thedoortotheplane.

“Who’sfirst?”

GuyandIlookatLukeandhekneelsatthedoorwaitingforhissignaltojump.Guygestures

menext,andIglanceovermyshoulderatNixon.He’swatchingme,hishandsclaspedtogether,his

fuckinghairinhisface.HegivesmeasmirkasIbracemyhandsonthedoorframeabovemyhead,

needingtogetoutofthisplaceandawayfromthesexualtensionthathe’sputtingoff.Mybody

courseswithadrenaline,waitingtojump,andthesplitsecondIgetthesignal,Ijumpandfliptomy

backsoIamlookingupattheplane.Guykneelsinthedoorwayandwavesatme.Ilookupatthesky,

lovingtowatchmyselffallingawayfromit.GuyjumpsandIflipover,knowingthatI’malready

nearingthepullzone.It’samazinghowfastyoufall.Ittakesmeresecondstocompleteajump.

LookingdownatLuke,hepullshischute,andafewsecondslater,Idothesame.Thepressurewhips

meupward,likeI’mbeingyankedbackbymyhair.

Keepingmylandingtargetinsite,IwatchLukegracefullyplanthisfeetontheground.Coming

inrightbehindhim,IletoutthebreathIwasholdingasIgatherupmyparachuteandwewatchGuy

andNixoncomingdown.

Guyisascalmasever,andNixon…well,he’sscreaminglikeamaniac,andI’mnotsureifit’s

becausehe’sscaredorhe’senjoyinghimself.Guylandsandlooksbehindhimashewalksovertous.

“IsthatNixon?”

“Yup.”

Weallwatchasheinchescloserandclosertotheground.Obviously,he’slovingit,comingin

superfast.Hishotpinkparachutemakesmelaugh;theguyiscrazy,that’sforsure.Youcanseethe

excitementonhisfaceashiseyesarewideopen,andthethreeofusbustuplaughing.

Helandsinonepieceontheground,hiskneesbucklealittlefromtheimpact,andhisnoises

don’tstop.Helooksaroundwildly,searchingthescenerythenscreamsagain,aloud,

“Wooooooooo!”Ashelooksatus,Guyaskshim,“Youlovethat,don’tyou,man?”

“Yeah,bro,Ido.Jumping’sfuckingawesome.”

Thethreeofusexchangeaglanceandforabriefmoment,IgetaglimpseintotheoldNixon.

Intowhoheusedtobe,beforehebecamethisversion.Theversionofamanwho’ssofamiliar,yet

someoneIdon’tknowatall,andithurtsreallybad,becauseIrememberhewassofunandexciting.

Chapter6

Nixon

“YoucomingwithustoCameron’s?”Guyasksme.

“Nah,man,Idon’tthinkso.Idon’twanttobargeinonyourday.”

“You’renotbargingin.Lukeinvitedyou.”

“Yousure,bro?”

“Yeah,ofcourse.”

“Well,allright,youhaveheraddress?”

“Yo,Cam?”GuyshoutsacrosstheparkinglottoherassheandLukeareexitingthebuilding

together,laughingandwalkingallclose.

“Yeah,what’sup?”

“What’syouraddress?IinvitedNixontothebarbecue.”

SherollshereyesandIreallydon’twanttogonow.“Youknowwhat?I’vegotsomeotherstuff

todo.Youguyshavefun.I’lltextyouifIcanmakeit.”

“Comeon,dude,it’scool,”hesays.

CamandLukewalkuptous,andGuyaddsin,“Nixon,whydon’tyoudriveCameronbackto

herplace?I’vegottagopickupMacey,andLukehastorunbyhisparents’,right,Luke?”

Cameronlooksatthembothshocked.“Areyouguysforreal?”shesnorts.

“What’sthebigdeal?”Guyasks.

“Youknowwhatthebigdealis.”Rightthen,I’mawarethatshe’stoldthemweusedtodate.He

mustbepushingmetodriveher,sowecanworkpastourissues,whichIdon’tthinkisabadidea.I

don’twanttofightwithher.Iwanteverythingtobechill.

“Comeon,letmedriveyou.Iwon’tevenspeak,ifyoudon’twantmeto.”

Shelooksatme,thentheguys,contemplatingwhattodo.Lukegivesherasmile,likehe’s

givingherhispermissiontocomewithme,andIrollmyeyesasshesays,“Notafuckingword.”I

showhermypatentedgrinaswesaygoodbyeandthengetinmytruck.Sittingnexttoher,sheisso

differentthansheusedtobe.She’sfuckingstrong-willedandknowsexactlywhatshewantsandisnot

afraidtosayit.Maybemeleavinghermadeherthatway.AssheputsonherseatbeltIaskher,“Where

doyoulive?”

“Beachside,inJupiter.”

“Really?Metoo,”Itellher,startingmytruck.SheignoresmeandIbackout,headingeast.

Cameronhasherhandsinherlapandislookingoutthewindow.Ican’tseeherface,andit’sfucking

annoyinghowsheignoresme,likeIdon’texist.Thesilenceinthecarismakingmewantanap.

Turningonthestereo,Ilooktogetanyreactionoutofher,butgetnone,andfinallysaytoher,

“Comeon,youcan’tignoremycharmforever,”hopingtogethertoopenup.Sheturnstowardsme,

tearsinhereyes.AsIgazeoverather,shefinallyspeaks,“Why?Becauseyouwantmeto?”

“No,becausethisisn’tahealthywaytolive.”

“Andyouthinkthewayyou’relivingishealthy?”sheasksme.

“Thisisn’taboutme,”Itellher.

“Butitis,Nixon,it’sallaboutyou.”

“Cam,I’mfine,it’syouI’mworriedabout.”

“Don’tactlikeyoucareaboutme,”shesays,wipinghereyesdry.

“YouknowIcareaboutyou.”

“That’sbullshit,Nixon.Youdon’tcareaboutanyonebutyourself.Doyounotrememberwhat

youdidtome?”

“Ididn’thaveanotherchoice.”

“Youstillbelievethat?”

“Yes,Isentyoualetterandtoldyouwhathappenedtofiveguysinmygraduatingclassthe

weekwegotoutthere.”

“Iknow,IgotitandIwassogratefulthatitwasn’tyouorConnerthatwerekilled,butleaving

mewasjustashard.”IhatethatIhurther;Icanstillseethepaininhereyesnow.“Nowthatyou’re

donewiththeNavyandnothingbadhappenedtoyou,isthatstillwhatyoubelieve?”

“Yeah.”I’mnothonestinmyanswer,butthere’snogoingbacknow.I’mtoofuckedup.Too

muchshithashappenedtomakethisright.She’llneverlookatmethesamewayagainandnothing

caneverchangethat.

“Okay,thisobviouslyisn’tgoingtowork.Youneedtoputinforatransfer.”

“Why?BecauseIleftyou?Ididyouafuckingfavor.Don’tyouseethat?”

“No,Nixon,youbrokemyfuckingheart.Youpromisedmeafutureandthentookitawaylike

youhadthepowertodecideforbothofus.”

“Ineverpromisedyouanything.Itoldyou,Ididn’twantyouwaitingaroundformeortoend

upgoingthroughwhatmymomdid.”

“Listentoyourself!You’vebrainwashedyourselfintoforgettingthepast,intoforgettingwhat

wewere.Doyounotrememberallthethingsweusedtotalkabout?DidyouthinkIwastooweakand

couldn’thandleit?”

“Iknewyoucouldhandleit…butitwasn’tfairformetoaskyouto.Iwasfollowingmyheart,it

waswhatIwasmeanttodo.Butitjustdidn’tworkouthowI’dplanned.”

“Sowhat,areyousayingyouregretitnow?”

“Ihavetoomanyregretsinlife,leavingbeingjustoneofthem.”

“Mustreallysucktobeyou,then.”

“Youhavenofuckingidea,butwebothknowthatmeleavingwasthebestthingthat’shappened

toyou.”

“Don’tactlikeyoudidmeasolid.”

“Ididandyouknowitdeepdown.”

“Fuckyou,Nixon.Youneedtostopsayingthatandtakesomeaccountabilityforyouractions.”

“Thinkaboutthings.You’vedonereallywellforyourselfwithoutme.Youhaveasweetjoband

solidfriends.You’vechangedalot,Icanseethat,and…”Itrailoff,notreallysurehowtoexpress

whatI’mfeeling.

“Andwhat?”

Andnothing.I’mnotgoingtotellherwhatI’mreallythinkingoracknowledgewhatseeingher

againisdoingtome.It’sforthebest,andonedayshe’llunderstandthat.

She’ssilenttherestofthedrive.Weleavetheconversationasis—unfinished.

“Thisisit,”CameronsaysasIparkonthestreetinfrontofhercondo.Igotogetoutandshe

says,“Ireallywantyoutoputinforatransfer.”

“Okay,okay,I’lltalktoMack.”Shelooksatme,stunnedbymyresponse.Imean,I’llaskhim

aboutotheropportunitiesthenexttimeIseehim,butthatdoesn’tmeanthatI’mgoingtotransfer.

Aswegetoutofmytruck,Ihearthewatercrashingagainsttheshore.She’sthesamewayIam

withherloveoftheocean.

“Youstillsurf?”Iaskher.

“Yeah.”

Followingherupstairs,myeyesareonherass.Ithasn’tchangedonebit;hershortsaresotight

andhugitperfectly.Reachingforit,Igrabahandfulofeachcheekwithbothhandsandsqueezehard

—herbuttwasalwaysmyfavorite.Shewhipsaroundandhitsmyarms.“Whatthefuck,Nix?”

“Sorry,Iliterallycouldn’thelpmyself.”

“Well,don’tletthatshithappenagain.”

SheopensthedoortohercondoanditlookshowIimagined.Thereisaloudchimeringing,

andsherunstoherlaptopandturnsiton.“Conner?”shecallsoutandIlookatthescreenashis

familiarfacecomesintoview.

“Heysis!DidIcatchyouatanokaytime?”

“Always!”ShesitsrightdownandIobservethewayherfacelightsup.Theyarestillascloseas

theywerethedayweleft.Anotherregret,Ilivewith.

Astheytalk,IfindmyselfinchingcloserandclosertoherandthenkneelnexttoherchairasI

lookatConner ’sfacecloselyonthescreen.ItfeelslikeforeversinceI’veseenhimandI’veonly

beengonesevenmonths.“Nixon?”hequizzicallyasks.

“What’sup,bro?”

“Holyshit,howareyou?”

“I’mgood,brother.Lovingbeinghome.”

“WhatareyoudoingwithCam?Youguysaren’tbacktogether,areyou?”heasks,confused.

“Noway!”sheblurtsout,andItellhim,“It’salongstory.I’mintheCoastGuardnowand

somehowgotstationedwithher.”

Henodsandlooksbetweenthetwoofus.“God,it’ssogoodtoseeyouguystogether.”

“Wearen’ttogether,”Cameronreiterates.

“Comeon,youknowwhatImean;it’sgoodtoseebothmyfavoritepeopleatonce.”Thethree

ofusgetlostinawhirlwindofconversation,fromflashbackstothegoodolddays,tohowthingsare

currently.Talkingwiththebothofthemmakesmebrieflyforgetaboutthepain,aboutallthebadshit

IdidandsawwhenIwasaSEAL.Timepassesquicklyandthensuddenlythefeedgoesoutandthe

screenturnsblack.Cameronfranticallymovesherfingeroverthemousebackandforth.Thenchecks

thepowercord.

“Conner,canyoustillhearus?”

Hedoesn’trespond.“Shit,wemust’velosthim,”Itellher.

“Yeah,Iguessso,”shesaysdismally,sittingtherestaringatthescreen,saddenedthathe’sgone.

Seeingthedisappointmentonhersendsatwingeofremorsethroughme.Ishouldn’thavelethimgo.

Ishould’vemadehimstaytoprotecther.Instead,beingselfish,thinkingIneededafriendtogetme

throughtheNavy,Itookhimwithme.IwassoyoungandthatwasjustoneofthemanymistakesI

made.Oneonthelistofmany.Allforwhat?HurtingthoseclosesttomeandnotevenbeingaSEALat

theendofitall?

Chapter7

Cameron

BlinkingawaythetearssoNixondoesn’tseemecry,I’mgratefulwhenthereisaknockonmydoor.

Gettingupandoutofthesecloseconfines,hisarmtouchingmybackashehasitrestingonmychair,

Iheadtothefoyer.

I’mgladtoseenotonlytheguys,butMaceytoo.Icandefinitelyuseheradvicerightaboutnow.

LukeandGuycarryinanarsenaloffoodandliquorasMaceyandIexchangeahug.“What’s

thematter?”sheasksme,knowingrightawaythatsomethingisup.

“Nothing.I’mgood.”

“Yousure?”

“Yeah,IwasjusttalkingtoConnerandlosttheconnection.”

“I’msorry,babe,”shesaysandpullsmeintoatightembrace.“Guytoldmeaboutyourex.So

that’shim?”

“Yup,”Itellherrightassheisintroducedtohim.Turningawayfromthem,Ibeginstocking

everythinginthefridge,andLukebrushesupagainstme.Peekinginthefridge,“Didyoumakemea

cake?”heasksandIpushhimaway,laughingashealmostfallsbackwards.Nixon’seyesareonus

andLukecracksustwobeers.“Waseverythingcoolwithhim?”heasksmeasweeachtakeasip.

“Yeah,”Itellhim,lookingintohisbrowneyes.Hepullsmeintoahug,andIrealizethe

closenesswithLukedoesnothingtomecomparedtothewaytheclosenesswithNixonalways

broughtmyinsidesalive.“Thanksforhavingthishere,”hesaysandtakestwomorebeersoverto

GuyandNixon.Themenallsettleoutonmypatio,andMaceyandIprepthefoodtocook.

“So,whatareyoufeelingaboutworkingwithyourex?”

“Hah!”Ilaughoutfartooloudly.“Uhh,it’sthemostawkwardthingever.ItoldhimIwanthim

toputinforatransfer,sohopefullyIdon’thavetodealwithhimthatmuchlonger.”

Maceysmilesatme,obviouslylostforwordsandtakestheplateofmeatoutsideforGuytoput

onthegrill.IwashmyhandsandasIlookup,Nixoniswatchingme.Hegrinsandcomesin,

finishinghisbeerashewalks,hislipswrappedsotightlyaroundtheendofthebottle.Reaching

aroundme,hethrowsitawayinthetrashcan.Itensefromhimtouchingmeagain.He’sclosetome,

mybodybackedupagainstthecountertop.Itrynottolookathim,orsmellhimforthatmatter,ashe

opensafewcabinetsandpeeksinside,snoopingaround.Pullingmyselfoutofmycloudeddaydream,

Itellhim,“Sure,justmakeyourselfrightathome.”Hesmirksatmeandgrabsanotherbeerfromthe

fridge.Whenheclosesthedoorandgoestorespondtome,thepictureofhim,Conner,andIcatches

hiseye.Hetakesitoffthefridge,studyingit,andthenlooksatmychestbeforeasking,“Didyouget

titimplants?”

“OhmyGod,Nixon,whatkindofquestionisthat!?”

“Wouldyoucalmdown?It’salegitimatequestion.”

“Whatisitwithyouandmybodytoday?”

“Nothing,it’syou…youlookgood…reallygood,that’sall.”

“Well,thanks.‘Causeyoulooklikeshit!Youshouldreallyhitthegym,”Itellhimandbreeze

pasthimwithatrayofappetizersthatItakeoutside.HefollowsbehindmeandIsitinhischairbefore

hecan,buthe’snotfazedashesitsonthearm.

“Forreal?”

“What?Thisismychair.”

“No,it’snot.It’smine.”

“Okay,youtwo,”Guychimesin,“Couldyoutryandnotfight?”

“Hey…atleasttheyaretalking,”MaceyaddsandInoticeLukelookingdown,peelingthelabel

fromhisbeer.

“Yeah,wearetalking.SoNixon,didyoutellthemthatyouareputtinginforatransfer?”

“What?Why?Youjuststarted,man,”GuyasksandLukelooksatme.Igivehimawink.Clearly

he’snotthebiggestfanofNixon,andIcan’tblamehim—I’mnoteither.

“Ididn’tsayIwasgoingtoputinforatransfer,IsaidI’dtalktoMackthenexttimeIsawhim.

Butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mtransferring.”

“Seriously,that’showyou’regoingtoplaythis?Youtoldmealittlewhileagothatyouwould

transfer.”

“No,youheardwhatyouwantedto.Myexactwordswere,‘I’lltalktoMack.’”

“Whyareyoudoingthis?”

“I’mnotdoinganything.You’retheonewho’sgottheissueswithmebecauseIdidyoua

favor.”

***

ThetablekeepsgettingblurrierasIholdthetinywhitepingpongballinmyhand.I’mnotsure

ifI’llbeabletomakeitintooneofthecupsornot,butasIbounceitonthewoodanditgoesin

again,IfindsatisfactionknowingthatNixonisgoingtohavetodrinkanothercupofbeerbecauseof

me.Thefinalroundisdowntothetwoofus.HenowhasthreecupsleftinfrontofhimandIhavesix.

MaceyissleepingonGuy’schestonmycouch,andLukeisreheatinghimselfsomethingtoeatinthe

kitchen.It’samazingwhatthepowerofalcoholdoestomakeyoubeabletotoleratetimewith

someoneyouloathe.

“Youknowyoucangiveupnow,”Iteasehim.

“No,fuckthat.Yougiveup.”

“Noway!”

Wecontinuetoshootbackandforth,bothofusrelentless,neitherofusbackingdown,andhe

hitsafewofmycups,whileIonlymakeitinonemoreofhis.Lukecomesovertomewithaplateof

foodthatIeyeball,andhestickssomethingfromitinmymouth.LookingoveratNixonasItakeit

fromhisfingers,Icantellhetenses.

OhmyGod,he’sfuckingjealous.

Ismile,chewing,andheshootshisball,missingmycups.“Givemeanotherbite?”IaskLuke

andhesticksachipcoveredindipintomymouth,andasIchewit,IlookNixonintheeye,surprised

toseehimtensethewayhedoeseachtimeLukefeedsme.Ishootmyball,landingitrightinhiscup.

“Youfucker,”hesneersatmeandIwinkathimasLukecontinuestosharehisfood.

“Letmetrysomeofthat,”Itellhim,notevensurewhyI’mtryingtomakeNixonjealous—

maybesoIcanhurthim,likehe’sdonetome.Heshovesmorefoodinmydirection.Clearlyweare

alldrunk,andIheartheballhitthetablethenbounceandhitthefloor.Ilookatitrollawayandask

him,“Yousureyoudon’twanttoquit?”

Heshakeshishead,keepinghiseyeslockedonmine,andIaimforhislastcupfocusinghard

onit,butImiss.

“Hey,Luke,couldyougrabmeanotherbeer,bro?”Nixonaskshim,andhenods,walkingoff.I

glancebackashetosseshisplateinthetrash,thenrealizeNixononlywantedLukeawayfromme.

He’sgotbeerrightinfrontofhimtodrink;hedoesn’tneedmore.

“YouwannaforfeitbeforeIshootthis?”Iaskagain,givinghimonelastchance.

“What’sinitforme?”

“Nothing!”

“ThenIdon’twannaforfeitshit.”Heleansover,bracinghisweightonthetable,hisforearms

flexingashisbodyhoversoverthecups.Hehassuchanamazingbody,andmymindflashesbackto

himnakedandhiscock.Lukewalksuptohim,handinghimabeerasIstruggletogetmyhead

straight.HetakesthebeerrightasIthrowtheball,unfortunatelymissing.

Withagrinfromeartoear,Nixonunleashesabunchofluckyshotsonmyremainingcups.My

throatburnsfromallthebeer,andIlookoverathimspeechless.Lukegiveshimahighfive,likehe’s

onhisside,andIflipthemoff.Whendidthesetwobecomeallbuddy-buddy?Maceywakesfromthe

soundofthetwoguys’handsslappingtogetherandasks,“Whattimeisit?”

Ilookattheclock,squintingmyeyes,butitdoesn’thelp.Ican’treadit.“It’sonethirty,”Nixon

tellsherandMaceyasksLuke,“Areyoureadytogetgoing,birthdayboy?”

“Sure,”hesays,lookingatme.Icanseehedoesn’twanttogo;hewantstostay.ButI’minno

shapeforentertaining—I’mtoodrunk—andwithNixonbeingback,thefeelingsIwashavingfor

Luke…arefadingaway.Thisisallsoconfusing.IshouldaskLuketostay,it’shisbirthdayafterall.

MymindistellingmetogowithLuke,togivehimachanceandseewherethingswouldgo.He

wouldn’thurtme,thatmuchIknow.Heistherightchoice,thesafechoice.Butmyheartispullingme

intheotherdirection.EvenifIgetdraggedthroughthedepthsofhell,it’stellingmeit’llallbeworth

itintheend.That’showstrongthebondthatNixonandIsharedwas.

Lukehugsmeforfartoolong,andasIholdhimback,waitingforthespark,thatattraction,it

doesn’tcomeandIcanseethedisappointmentinhiseye.ThethreeofthemleaveandIfigureNixon

willdothesame,buthedoesn’t.He’sstaringatmeasheshutsmydoorthenasksme,“Sowhat,you

likehim?”

“Who?”Iquestionhim,stallingknowinghemeansLuke,butnotsureifIshouldtellhimornot.

“Luke.Youlikehim,orwhat?He’sclearlyintoyou.Icanseehewantstofuckyourtightpussy.”

“OhmyGod!”Iyellathim,mywordsslurredfromsomuchalcohol.Buthiswordshaveme

clenchingmythighs.AsmuchasIdon’twanttoadmitit…theydo.IshouldtotallytellhimthatLuke

andIfucked…itwouldhurthim.But,itwon’thelpanything,andthat’snotthekindofpersonIam.No

matterhowbadNixonhurtme,Iwon’tstooptohislevel.“Noway,he’smyfriend,endofstory.”

“Then,whatamI?”heasks,steppingalittletoocloseformycomfort.Myfaceflushes,the

controlheusedtohaveovermeistryingtoscratchitswaytothesurface.

“You’retheassholewhobrokemyheart.”

“That’sit?That’sallIam?”

“Nixon,Icanthinkofalotofotherwordstocallyou,butI’mexhausted.”

AllofasuddenheswoopsmeoffmyfeetandIgawkathim,wantingtofighthimtoputme

down,buthishandsonmefeelsogood,justthewaytheyusedtoandIfuckin’missit.Mybodyis

cradledagainsthishardchest.Jesus,hegotbig.“Whatthefuckareyoudoing?”Iaskwhilehecarries

meintomybedroom.

“I’mtakingyoutobed.”

“No!Letmedown.”

“Wouldyoushutthefuckupandstopbeingsuchanagforonce?I’mnotgoingtodoshitto

you.”

Ididn’texpecthimtorespondlikethat.WhatamIsupposedtosaybacktohim?Asmybody

swaysfromthemotions,hetenderlylaysmeontopofmybed.

Takingaseatontheedgenexttome,helooksdownatme.Hisblueeyesglimmeringinthelow

lightofmyroom.MyeyesareheavyasdeepblinkstakeoverandIquicklylosefocusonhim.ButI

canstillfeelhishandasherunshisfingersthroughmyhair,thesamewayheusedto.Itwasmy

favorite.IholdontothefeelingandcognizanceforaslongasIcan,relishinginhistouchagain.But

mybodydriftsofftosleep,andasIslipfromtheawarenessofrealityhesayssomething…

Chapter8

Nixon

“Ohfuck!”someonemumblesnexttomeandIwrackmybraintorecallwhathappenedlastnight.

What’shername,what’shername?Fuck,Ireallyneedtogetbetterwithnames.MaybeIshouldwrite

themonmyarmorsomething.

Thenoutofnowhere,I’mbeingpushedoutofthebedandopenmyeyestoseeaveryangry

Cameronlookingatme.“Getout!”sheyellsandIgrabbothofherwristsstoppinghercrazyoutburst.

She’sstrongashellasshefightsagainstme,butI’mstronger.“What’syourproblem,girl?”I

questionher,holdingherinmygrip.

“You!Youare!Whyareyouhere,inmybed?”

Herchestismovingupanddown,herlargetitslivelyasshe’sfightingmetolethergoandI

findmyselfstaringatthem.“Yousureyoudidn’tgetaboobjob?”

Mycommentpissesheroffevenmore,andshestartstobuckandfightwildlyformetorelease

her.“Letmego!”shescreams.

“No!Answerthequestion.”

“Ihateyou,Nixon!”

“Oh,hate’sastrongword,baby.”

Wewrestlebackandforth,allwhileIhaveaconstantgrinonmyface.Jesus,Ilovegettinga

riseoutofherandplayingwithherlikethis.ThenbeforeIknowit,she’sonherbackandI’m

straddlingherbody.Bothofusarestillclothedfromthedaybefore,butbeingthisclosetoheragain,

likethis,hasmydickthrobbing.ThenshestartstobuckunderneathmeandIaskher,“IfIletyour

handsgo,willyoustop?”

“Ifyougetoutofmybed.”

“Why?Wealreadyfuckedlastnight!”Itellher,messingwithher,andshefreezes,herface

turningwhitelikeshe’sseenaghost.

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Youdon’tremember?”

“Nixon,whywouldyoutakeadvantageofmelikethat?”She’smortifiedandItellher,“You

tookadvantageofme.Iwasasleepandyoufuckedmesogoodwiththatsweetpussyofyours.God,I

missedit.”

Shelookslikeshe’sabouttocryandIstopmessingaround.“Wouldyoulightenup?Nothing

happenedlastnight.Webothpassedout.That’sit.”

Lettinggoofher,shepushesmeaside,thenscramblesoffthebed.“I’mgoingtoshower.Bythe

timeIgetout,Iwantyougone.”

Stillsittingonherbed,Iwatchherwalkoff,herroundassjigglingwitheachstep.

Shedoesn’tlookatmeassheslamsthedoor,andIliebackonherbed,notwantingtoleave.

Thetruthis,Idon’tlikedoinganythingshetellsmeto.

Myphonevibratesinmypocket,andIlooktoseemymomcalling.

“Hey,Ma.”

“Ihopeyoudidn’tforgetaboutyourgrandma’sbirthday.”

“OfcourseIdidn’t.I’mgoingtogetheragifttoday.”

“Good,andyou’restillcomingtotheparty?”

“Yeah,I’llbethere.”

“Okay,baby,it’ssogoodtohaveyoubackhome.Iloveyou,Nixon.”

“Loveyoutoo,Ma.”

WehangupandIgetoffCameron’sbedtoleave,butasIwalktowardsthebedroomdoor,Isee

anotherpictureofher,Conner,andI.Itwastakenthesummerbeforeweleft.She’sgotthebiggest

smileonherfaceasmyarmsarewrappedtightlyaroundherbodyandmychinisrestingonthetop

ofherhead.

Liftingitup,soIcangetabetterlook,thatdaycomesfloodingbackintomymind,likeitwas

yesterday.Wedidn’thaveafuckingstressintheworld.Itwasalwaysthethreeofushavingfun.We

wereatmyaunt’shousewhenthiswastaken,remindingmehowmuchmyfamilylovedboth

CameronandConner.

Gettingawildidea,IfollowmygutknowingI’vegotnothingtoloseandwalkintoher

bathroom.

Shepeersoutfrombehindtheshowercurtain,andIwinkasIpullmydickoutandlifthertoilet

seatdrainingtherestoflastnight’sbeer.Hereyesstayonmydickforafewsecondsbeforeshe

tossesthecurtainclosed.Iteaseher,“Youlikewhatyousee?”ThenIgrabhertoothbrushand

toothpaste.Shepeeksoutagain;Icatchherinthereflectionofthemirror.“OhmyGod,you’vegotto

bekiddingme.”

“What?”IaskasIbegintobrushmyteeth.

“Youjustmakeyourselfathome,don’tyou?”

“Isthataproblem?”Irespondthroughamouthfulofsuds.

“Whyareyoustillhere?”

Ishrugmyshoulders,wantingtoinvitehertocomewithmetogetmygrandmaagifttoday,but

thesuddenfearofrejectionstopsmefromaskingher.Whichisn’tlikeme.

Leaningbackagainstthesink,Ilookinherdirection,wonderingwhatthingswouldbelikehad

Inotleftyearsago.Wouldwestillbetogetherorwouldwehavegoneourseparateways?WouldIbe

thesameasIwasbackthen,orstillendedupfuckedup,likeIamnow?

Theshowerturnsoffandsheasks,“Wouldyouhandmeatowel?”Stillbrushingmyteeth,I

grabheratowelandplaceitinheroutstretchedhandthatisstickingoutfrombehindthecurtain.

Notabletohelpmyself,Ipeerinather.She’ssogorgeous,fuckingbeautifulasever.Ifinish

brushingmyteethrightasshegetsout.SheleavesthebathroomasifIhavetheplagueandheads

straightintohercloset.Igointothekitchenandstartapotofcoffee,knowingshecan’thideinthere

forever.

AsIwaitforhertocomeout,Ispotherphoneandcan’thelpmyselffromlookingatit.There

areafewmissedtextmessagefromLuke,Guy,Macey,andSeth.I’mtemptedtogointothem,but

knowIhavenorightto.SoIinsteadprogrammynumberincasesheeverneedsme…orgetslonely.

ThecoffeefinishesandIpouruseachacup.Whenshefinallyappears,Itellher,“Imadecoffee.”

“Jesus,whyareyoustillhere?”

“Ihaveaquestionforyou.”

Sherollshereyes,takingasipofthecoffeeandthenbeginstocleanupfromthenightbefore.

“I’dreallyratheryouleave.”

“Wouldyou?”Iaskher.

“Yes.”

“Comeon,Cam,we’regoingtobeworkingtogethereveryday.You’vegottaforgiveme.”

Shewhipsaround,herwethairflying.“No,wearenotgoingtobeworkingtogether.Yousaid

you’dputinforatransfer.”

“I’mnotgonnadothat.”

“Whythefucknot?”shescoffsatme.

“WhyshouldI?Becauseweusedtofuckandyoucan’tgetoverthefactthatIbrokeupwith

you?”

“Isthatreallyallyouthoughtofus,thatwefucked?Doyounotrememberwhatwewere?”

I’vedonemybesttoburyallmymemoriesofCameronandwhatwewere,tomoveoninlife,

toeasemyownpainandregret,soeverythingthatwewereisreallyablur.Everynowandthenwhen

IdigdeeporseeapicturelikeIhavebeingatherhouse,Igetbitsandpiecesback.“Cam—”

“Don’t!Wouldyoustopfuckingcallingmethat?”

“Why?Theseguysyouworkwithcandowhatevertheywant.Theycanflirtwithyouandfeed

youandcallyou‘Cam,’butyoucan’tevenhaveaconversationwithme?”

Shestopscleaningandwalksuptome,standingonlyafewinchesfrommyface.Hereyesare

glassy…she’stired.“Youwannafuckin’talk,thentalk,”sheyells.

Iswallow,herscentinvadingme,makingithardtofocus.Itbringsbacksomanymemoriesthat

I’veworkedsohardtoforget.Ibreatheherinagain,gettinglostinmyownheadasIclosemyeyes,

andshesays,“Yeah,that’swhatIthought.”

Grabbingthebackofherhead,Ipullherlipstomine,moldingmymouthoverhers,

controllingherthewayshelikes.Shestaysstillforamoment,butthenfightsbackandpushesme

away.

Stormingpastme,sheyanksopenherdoorandsays,“Leave!Now!”AsmuchasIdon’twant

to,she’sgotthesamelookinhereyeasshedidwhenIlefthertojointheNavy—hurt,anger,

betrayal.Goingforward,nomatterwhatIdo,thatishowshe’sgoingtoalwayslookatme.

Chapter9

Cameron

OneofthebestthingsIloveaboutmylifeismyjob.Well…thatwasbeforeNixonbecamemynew

crewmate.AsIfinishstockingtheinventoryofmedicalsuppliesfortheday,I’mgratefulthatthisis

ourlastshiftoftheweek,especiallybecauseallI’veheardthepastfourdaysisNixonbeingall

friendlywithGuy.

“Here,”Lukesayswalkingupandhandingmeacoffee.“Itriedtocallyoulastnight.”

“Icrashedearly.I’vebeenexhaustedlately.”

“Wereyoualone?”heasksme.

“Yeah,why?”

“Noreason.”GuyandNixonwalkuptousandNixonasks,“Where’sourcoffee?”

“Itextedhimandaskedhimtobringitforme.”

“Andyoudidn’taskus?”Guystates.

“That’slame.Comeon,Guy,I’llmakeyaacup,”Nixontellshimandtheywalkofflaughing.

It’slikethetwoofthemhaveworkedtogetherforyears.

LukegoestochangeandmyattentionisdrawntoNixon,mymindgivingmeaflashbacktohis

lipsonmineashegrabbedmeandkissedmeandthenhowIangrilypushedhimaway.

God,IwishSethhadn’tleft.

Thingswouldbesomucheasieriftheywentbacktohowtheywereafewweeksago.Evenif

Nixonwereworkingherebutwasonanothercrew,itwouldbebetter.ButI’mnotabouttogoto

Mackandcomplain‘causeallthatwilldoisgetmyassyelledat.Hewon’tmoveNixon;hismottois,

yougotaproblem,workthroughitasateam.

AsGuyandLukegetpositionedinthecockpit,NixonandItakeourseatsintheback.Ireally

hopetodaygoesbyfast‘causeIneedtounwindtonightandtodoitawayfromNixon.Uponliftoff,

wegetacallovertheradioofaninjuredpersononavesselsevenmilesout.Luketalkswiththe

dispatcherandconfirmsthatwe’lltakethecall.

Ilistenovertheradiotothedetailsofwhatweareabouttogointo.“Male,agefifty-three,right

legimpaledbyaswordfish.”

Jesus,thishappensallthetime.

Guypushesthechoppertothemaxandsays,“Tminusthreeminutesuntilarrival.”

“Youwantmetogodown?”Nixonasksme.

“No,why?”Iquestionhimback.DoeshethinkIcan’tdomyjob?

“‘Causeyou’llhavetosawthebilloffthefishbeforebringingthepatientup.”

“I’vedoneitbefore.Thiswillbemy—”

“She’sgotthisshit,”Lukecutsmeoffandit’sthetruth.Wegetthesecallsallthetime,beingas

closeaswearetotheGulfstream.Alotofamateurfishermenheadoutanddon’trealizethepower

anddangerthesefishpossess.

“Tminusoneminute,”GuyrespondsandIunstrap.Nixondoesthesame,helpingmewithmy

harness,andIlooktotheside,notpayingattentiontohishandsonmywaist,asItrypushingdown

myheartrate.

Uponarrivingonthescene,thereisatonofbloodallovertheboat.Openingourtoolbag,I

removethejigsawandpopafreshbatteryonit.Nixontakesitfrommeandplacesitinthebasket,and

thenIbeginmydescent.

LookingdownasNixonlowersme,thereisacrewondeckthatgreetsme.NormallyI’dbe

filledwithadrenalineandexcitementtosavesomeone’slife.Buttoday…I’mjustblah.Oncemyfeet

arefirmlyplantedontheirboat,IremovethedroplinesoNixoncansendthebasketdowntome.I

signaltotellhimthatIamclearandthenaskthemenonboard,“Howlongagodidthishappen?”

“Aboutthirtyminutes,”someonesays.Imovetothemanthatisattachedtotheatleasttwo

hundred-poundfish.

“Wecan’tgetitoutofhisleg,”someonesaystome.

“Youdon’twantto,”Itellthem.“He’llbleedtodeath.”

Ispotthebasketcomingdown.“Youokay?”Iasktheinjuredman.HenodsandIgrabthe

jigsaw.OnceIhaveit,IgiveNixonthego-aheadandrunbacktotheman.“I’mgoingtosawthebill

offthefish.Ineedyoutostaystill,okay?”

Rapidlyhenods,hisfacesweaty,andasIplacethebladetothefish,heturnswhite.“Staywith

me,”Itellhimandbegin.“We’llhaveyouatthehospitalbeforeyouknowit.”

Imakequickworkofthejob,andasIfinishIlookupathim.He’sstillawake.ThankGod.One

ofhiscrewhelpsmegethimintothebasket,andNixontakeshimupintothehelicopter.ThenI’m

broughtupandwetaketheman,who’ssurprisinglycalm,togetthemedicalattentionheneeds.

Duringtheflight,NixonandIworkonhimtogether.HeisthefirstrealpatientthatNixonandI

havehadandweareinagoodrhythm.Nodramaorbullshitfromthepast,justthetaskathand.We’ve

beenoutonmanycallsandtestrunssinceNixonjoined,butneverhadtobringanyoneup,untiltoday.

AsGuylandsontheroofofthehospital,weareimmediatelygreetedbystaffwhotakethe

patientaway.Nixongivesmeasidehugandsays,“Goodjob,Cam.”

Idon’thughimback.Ican’tletmyselfdiveintothesefeelingsthathebringsoutofme.He’ll

justhurtmeagainandIknowit.

Gettingbackintothehelicopter,wefinishoutthedaythesamewaywehavebeen.Them

yakkingitupandme…I’msilent.

“YouguyswannagototheTacoShacktonight?”Lukeasks,asthefourofuswalkoutofwork.

“Hellyeah!”Guyresponds.“Icoulduseagoodmargarita.”

“I’mgonnapass.Youguysgo.”

“What?”theylookatme.Ihaven’tmissedanightoutsincewestartedworkingtogether.Butthe

truthis,Ican’tbearoundNixonanymore.I’mexhaustedandneedsometimeapart.“Why?”

“I’mtired,that’sall.”

“No,fuckthat,you’recomingout,”Lukeordersme.

NixonisstudyingmeandIgazeupathim,hopinghe’llcatchmydrift,‘causeGuyandLuke

aren’tgoingtoletmebail“Youin,man?”Guyaskshim.

“Ican’t,”hesays,“I’vegotsomeladyplanstonight,guys.”

Theyaccepthisrejectionandthethreeofusleavetogether,whileNixongoesGodonlyknows

where.

***

“We’lltakeanotherround,”Lukesaystothebartender.Guybailedonushoursago,soit’sjust

himandme.

“SoyouthinkyouandNixonwillevergetpasttheshitheputyouthrough?”Lukeasksme.

“Idon’tknow,it’snotevenaboutthepastanymore.He’snotthesameguyashewaswhenhe

left.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Itdoesn’tmatter,Luke.”

Herollshiseyesatmeandsays,“Comeon.Behonest,didyoureallyseeyourselfbeingwitha

guylikehimlong-term?”

Ireallydid,butI’mnotsurehowtotellLukethat.“Hewasdifferentbackthen.Youdon’tknow

theNixonheusedtobe.”

“He’dhavetobelikeaone-eightydifferent,‘causethisguyissomethingelse.Imean,who

walksintoaskydivingplace,late,coveredinhickeys,withtheirownchuteon,shirtless?”

“Nixon!”WebothlaughandthenLukesays,“SeewhatImean?Normalpeopledon’tdothat.”

“Iknow,that’swhyI’msayingheusedtobesodifferent.”

“Different,how?”

“Heputmeatthecenterofhisworld.Iwashiseverything.Thenoneday,Iwasn’t.Losinghim

wasthehardestthingI’deverbeenthrough.”I’mhonestwithLuke,becauseIwanthimtoknowthe

truth.

“Whydoyoureallythinkhedidit?”

“Idon’tknow.Hesaysitwastoprotectme,butitkilledme.Howisthatprotectingsomeone?

Now,I’mmiserablebeingaroundhim;thepainisstilltherefromwhathedid.Hegetsintomyhead.

TypicallysavingsomeonethewayIdidtodaywouldhavebeenanadrenalinerushandmademefeel

fulfilled.ButitwaslikeIwasgoingthroughthemotions,thewayIwastrained,butIwasn’thappy.

Whenwefly,Isitbackandtryanddrownhimout.”

“Cam,didyoueverthinkthatmaybewhathedidwastherightthing?Imean,let’sbehonest,

he’snotgoodenoughforyou.”

IsmileatLuke’scomment;he’ssosweet.“No,Ineverthoughtofitlikethat.”AndIdidn’t,Iwas

toobrokenuptoeverseeanygoodinhimandConnerleaving.MaybeIshould’ve.Theylefttofight

forourcountry,ourfreedom,andriskedtheirlivesdoingit.

Lukecupsmyface,andIblinkafewtimes,caughtoffguardbyhispublicdisplayofaffection.

“Well,Ithinkyoushould.Hedoesn’tdeserveyou.Hedidn’tthenandhesureashelldoesn’tnow.”

Takinghishandinmine,thefeelingsIoncehadaren’tthereanymoreandIdon’twantLuketogetthe

wrongidea.Icantellbythewayhe’sspeakingthereismoretowhathe’ssayingthanhe’slettingon.

“Cam,I’mnotsureifyou’refeelingwhatIam,orifyouneedsomemoretime.Butsincewe

hookedup,you’reallIcanthinkabout.IknowI’mnoNixonAndrews,butIpromiseyouthis,I’ll

never,ever,hurtyou.I’lldoeverythinginmypowertomakeyouhappy…ifyou’llletme.”

Inod,hearinghiswordsandasItrytoprocessthem,theentireroomaroundmespins.Maybe

I’mhearingthingsandhe’snotevenspeaking.Itcouldbethealcohol.

“Luke…that’ssweetofyou,”Ibarelychokeout.

“Well,it’sthetruth,ashonestasI’veeverbeenwithyou,Cam.I…I…”Thewayhe’slookingat

meismakingmenervousandIscurryupoffmyseat.“Canyouholdthatthoughtrealquick?”he

nodsandweseparatehandsthenIstumbleoff.

Needingfreshair,I…I…what?Hewasn’tabouttotellmehelovedme,washe?Leavingthebar,

IwalkoutintothehotandhumidFloridanight.Thereisacabparkedinfrontofme,andIjustget

inside,noteventhinkingaboutwhatleavingisgoingtodotoLuke.ButifIdon’tgo,I’mnotsure

what’llhappen,andIdon’twanttohurthim,Iknowhowitfeels.Rejectionistheworstthingyoucan

dotoanotherperson,andLukeisoneofmybestfriends.Ican’tdothattohim…

Chapter10

Nixon

Standingatherdoor,mydamnpalmsaresweaty.Iraisemyhandtoknock,butstop.Whatthefuckam

Ithinking?WhatamIevendoinghere?

Turningmyback,Iheaddownstairsandoutofherbuilding.Ilethergoforareason;Ineedto

stickwiththatdecision.She’llneverlookatmethesamewaysheusedto,we’llneverhavewhatwe

hadagain…thatseemsobvious.

Hoppinginmytrucktoleave,Ipulloutmycellphoneandtextthelastchickthatmessagedme.I

don’tevencarewhosheis,Ijustneedagoodfuckingtonight.AsIhitsend,Istickthekeyinthe

ignitionandataxipullsupinfrontofme.ThereardooropensandoutstumblesCameron.She’s

blitzedoutofhermindasshetripsonthecurb,fallingtoherhandsandknees.Thetaxidrivesoff,

leavingher,andIshakemyhead,pissedatherforgettingthisdrunk.

Whatthefuckisshethinking?

Thelastthingshe’llwanttoseeisme,butshecan’tevenopenthedoortoherbuilding.Getting

outangry,Ihelpherstand.ShelooksupatmeandforthefirsttimesinceI’vebeenback,shesmilesat

me,softeningmyheart,asightI’vefuckingmissed.

“Nixon,”sheslurs,herbreathmixedwithtequilaandmint.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

Iignoreherquestionandhelpherinside.Sheclingstome,herheadhanginglow,andshekeeps

trippingonthesteps.“Howmuchdidyouhavetodrink?”Iaskher.

“Whocares?”

“Givemeyourkeys,”Idemand,andwhenshedoes,Iliftherupandtossherovermyshoulder.

Shelaughsforamomentandthensilences,swayingwiththemotionsasIcarryherintoher

apartment.Tossingherdownonherbed,herlongmessyhairfansoutaroundher.

God,she’ssohot.

“DidGuyandLukeletyougetthisdrunk?”Iaskher.

“Idon’tneedanybodytoletmedoshit.”Sherollstohersideandpatsthebednexttoher,butI

declineshakingmyhead.IfIsit,Imightendupfuckingher—righthere,rightnow.AndIcan’ttake

advantageofherlikethat.We’dbothhateourselvestomorrowifanythinghappened,especiallywith

howdrunksheis.“Stopbeingsuchapussyandsitdown.”AgainstmybetterjudgmentIlistentoher.

“Ishouldfuckhimupforlettingyoudrinksomuch.”

“Youdothat,MisterToughGuy.”

“Iwill.WasGuytherewithyou?”

“Heleftearlylikeapussy.ItwasjustLukeandme.Youknow…Ifuckedhimawhileagoand

nowhelikesme.”

“Whatthefuck?When?”Igrindmyteethhearingthatshesleptwithhim.Itmakesmewantto

smashhisfacein.

“Rightbeforeyoucameback.”Hereyesareheavyasshe’stalkingtomethroughlongblinks.

“Doyoulikehim?”Iaskher,dreadingherresponse.

“IthoughtIdid…untilyoucamebackandfuckedeverythingup.”Sheglancesupatme,

yawningthroughhertiredeyes.“Whyareyouhere?”

Ishrugmyshoulders,notcompletelysuremyself.Shescootsalittleclosertome,herfacenow

restingonmythigh,andItouchhercheek.Closingmyeyes,herwarmskinbeneathmycoolfingers

feelssofuckin’good.

Sheasksme,“Didyoumissme,whenyouweregone?”

“Everyday,”Iwhisper,andforthefirsttime,ItrulyacknowledgetheregretIhaveabout

leavingher.ItwasthehardestthingI’deverdoneandtheworstdecisionI’veevermade.Quickly,she

driftsofftosleep,herlipsslightlyparted,drawingmetothem.Mycockthrobs,wantingherinevery

wayimaginable.

Leaningdown,Ibreatheherin,takingmyhandfromhercheekandrunningaknuckleoverher

lips.ShemumblessomethingtomethatIcan’tmakeout,andthenIkissher.Shedoesn’tkissme

back,andIknowIhavetostop.WhatamIthinking?No,whatamIevendoinghere?

Ihadmychancewithherandruinedit.Intheprocess,Ifuckedmyselfup.She’dbehappywitha

guylikeLuke.Shemightnotseeitnow,butshewouldbe.Lookingatherforthelasttime,Igetoff

herbedandheadtothefrontdoor.Iwalkout,andrightasIgotoshutit,Ihearhercomputerring.

KnowingthatithastobeConner,Istandtherecontemplatingwhattodo.Mypulltothatlifestillso

strongthatIgobackintoanswerit.

“Hey,man,”Itellhim,lovingtoseehisface.

“What’sup,brother?”heasksme,clearlysurprised.

“Notmuch,you?”

“Nothing,sameoldshithere,youknowhowitis.WhatareyoudoingatCameron’ssolate?”

“It’salongstory.Yousafe,everyonegood?”

“Yeah…yeah,we’regood.So,youtwobacktogether,orwhat?”

“Nah,farfromit.Youknowshe’llneverforgiveme.”

“Butyouwantherto,right?That’swhyyou’rethere,isn’tit?”

“Idon’tthinkso.Sheseemshappierwithoutme,bro,andyouknowhowfuckedupIam.”

“Yougottaletalltheshityouwentthroughherego,brother.”

“Ihearya.”

“Imeanit.Camneedsyou.WhenItalkedtoyouboththeothernight,it’sthehappiestI’veseen

herinyears.”

“Shedoesn’tactlikeImakeherhappy.”

“Giveitsometime,man,butdon’tgiveuponher.That’swhatshe’sexpectingyoutodo.You

crushedherwhenyouleft,andsodidI.Butyou’retherenow,andyoucanmakeitright.Pleasedon’t

letherdownagain.”

“Shedeservessomeonebetterthanme,Con!”

“Fine,thenleavenow.ButstopfuckingplayingthesegameswithherorIsweartoGod,I’ll—”

Icuthimoff.“Allright,Igotyou.”

“Good.Sheup?CanItalktoher?”

“Icanwakeherifyouwant.”

“Nah,lethersleep.Tellher,Iloveherthough.”

“Iwill,besafe,brother.”

Wedisconnectthevideochat,hiswordsreplayinginmymind.“Don’tgiveuponher.You

crushedher.”

Goingbackintoherbedroom,Istandinthedoorwaywatchinghowpeacefulsheis.Listeningto

Conner,thoughmaybenotpreciselywhathemeant,Itugthecoverstoherbedbackandslideunder

them,holdingherbodyclosetomine.Evenifshegetspissedandkicksmeoutagain,I’menjoying

herrightnow.Nuzzlingmynoseintoherneck,Ibreatheherin,herscentturningmeon.Withmy

armswrappedsecurelyaroundher,Iholdheragainstme,owningthemoment.Herassistuckedup

againstme,andasshewigglesit,mycockgetshardforher.Ibattlewithitinsidemyheadtogo

down.She’llfreakifshewakesandfeelsmydicklikethis.

Mylipsautomaticallykissthetopofhershoulder,notabletohelpmyself,andthenshereaches

backforme.Holdingontomyheadwhileshemoansfrommykisses,Istop,givingherbodya

squeeze,andshesays,“Don’tstop.”

Ikisshershoulderagain,andeachtimemylipstouchher,Ihavetobattlewithinmyselftostay

incontrol.Sheslidesherhanddownmybodyandgrabsmycock.Itiltmyheadback,lovingher

touchingme,butknowingwecan’tdothis.

Scootingawayalittle,Iloosenmygrip,andsherollsover,lookingatmychest,andthen

painfullyslowly,shebringshereyesupmybodyuntilshemeetsmine.

Reachingdownagain,shecupsmydick,squeezingitasshekissesmyneck.Ipushmyself

againstherhand,knowingthatthisissowrong…butI’mnotabletoresisther.Herlipsmoveallover

myskinandthenshereachesintomypants.“Fuckme,”sherequests,andIgrabherwrist,stopping

herfromjerkingmyshaftandlookintohereyes.“You’redrunk.”

“Sowhat?”

“So,askmewhenyou’resober.”

“No!”shescootsdownandunbuttonsmypants.Againstmybetterjudgment,Ilether.Herhair

iscoveringherfaceandIpushitbehindherear,needingtoseeher.Shetakesherlipsandwrapsthem

overtheendofmydick.Ipauseforamoment,thewarmthofhermouthtakingmebackintimeand

thenpushmycockallthewayintothebackofherthroat.Myeyesareopenwatchingher,not

believingthatit’sreallyherdoingthis.Thenshesitsupandreachesdown,grabbingthehemofher

shirt,pullingitoverherhead.Hertitsspringfree—she’snotwearingabra—andthesecondthatI

havemyeyeslockedonthem,theyareexactlythesameasIremember.Plumpandperfect,withthe

softestpinknipplesI’veeverseen.

Asoftgrowlbrewsinmythroatlookingather.Sheliesdownandgentlypullsmybodyontop

ofhers.Igazeather,knowingIshouldstop,butsheurgesmeon,pressingherhipsup.Isituponher

andtakebothofmyhands,grabbinghertits,squeezingthemandthenbendingdownconsumingeach

one.Lovinghowhernippleshardenbeneathmytongue.Shearchesandmoans,hereyestightlyshut.

Releasingher,Iplantakissinbetweenhertits,andsheremoveshershorts.Myeyeseatherup.

Hersoftpussyisgroomedthesamewayitwasallthoseyearsago.It’sasIimaginedittobe,andI

losetime,ignoringtheconstantnoisethatisscreamingatmetoquit.Spreadingherlegswide,Isettle

inbetweenheranddragmytonguebackandforthoverherclit,herbodybowingagainstmymouth.I

pushhardagainstherasshedoesthesametome,whileIkeepworkingher.Shetastesthesametoo,

alwaysmyownpersonaldrug.

Icanseeherfacethroughhertits,andcantellshe’sclose.Afewmoreflicksofmytongueand

shestartstoshakeandscreammyname.“OhGod,likethat,Nixon.”

Holdinghertightly,asshegivesovertothepleasure,mycockhurtssobadneedingtobeinside

her.Butnotlikethis.Iletherbodysettleandthenreachformyzipper.

“Pleasefuckme.”Ishakemyheadandgetoffher,butshepullsmedownandthengrabsa

condomoutofherdrawer,tearingitopenwithherteeth.Forsomeunknownreason,Iwatchherplace

itinhermouth.

Fuck,she’ssogoddamnhot.

HerlipsarepartedandIswallow,pushingmypantsfartherdown.Thensheuseshermouthto

rollitdownmydick.Idon’tthinkI’veeverwantedanyoneasbadlyasIwantherrightnow.Even

thoughIshouldn’t,especially‘causeshe’sdrunk,Ihaveto.Ikneellikesheis,sowearefacetoface,

andtakemycockatthebase.“Areyousure?”Iaskherandsheanswersbysettlingdownonme.

“Yes,”shewhinesandwrapsherbodyaroundmine.Ifitinsideherperfectly.Herpussyisso

tightandwarmaroundmydick.Lyingherdownonthebed,Ikisshernipples,fuckinglovingbeing

withheragainafterallthistimeandshovemyselfasfarinsideherasIcan.

“Fuck,Cam,”Itellher,andIcan’tevenmove,myforeheadrestingagainsthers,theblood

pulsatingtothetipofmycockassheislookingupatme.ButasIreallylookather,she’ssodrunk,

hereyesareglazedover,andIknowthisiswrong.

Mybodymightbescreamingatmetofuckherhard,butIcan’t.Pullingoutofher,Igetoffthe

bedandzipmypantsupwiththecondomstillon.

“Ican’t,I’msorry,Cam,”Iturnandwalkaway,hearinghersobsandthensomethingsmash

againstthewallasIclosethedoortoherapartment.Iknowshedoesn’tunderstand,butshedoesn’t

needto.Again…it’sforherowngood.

Chapter11

Cameron

Idon’tremembereverysinglethingfromlastnight,butIdorememberthewayhislipsfeltonmy

body,thewayhisheartbeatagainstmine.Thewayhiscockfeltbeingbackinsideofme.Throughall

thealcohol,thatwasclearasday,andthenIrememberthepainwhenhetookitallaway,likehedid

whenhejoinedtheNavy.

Ican’tstopthetearsfromspillingoutofmyeyes.Howdidthingsenduplikethis?Howdid

theygoso…wrong?Issomethingwrongwithme?

Mylaptopringsfromthelivingroom,andIknowit’sConner.AsmuchasIdon’twanttotalk,I

promisedhimI’dalwaysanswerhiscallsnomatterwhat.Pullingonmyt-shirt,Iansweritholding

backtheemotionsthataretearingattheseamswantingtospilloutofmeinhopeshecan’tsenseI’ve

beencrying.

“Hey,Con.”

“What’sthematter?”heasks,alarmed.

“Nothing,why?”

“Cam,don’tlietome.”

“I’mnot,I’mgood.”

“Whatdidhedo?”heasks.

“Who?”Iaskhim.

“Nixon,ishestillthere?I’llkillhim.”

“He’snothere,”Itellhimandwonderhowhewouldknowhewas.

“Hewastherelastnight;Italkedtohim.”

“Youdid?”

“Yeah.”

“Whatdidhesay?”Iaskhim.

“Hefeelsbadforwhathe’sdoneandthinksyou’dbehappierwithsomeoneelse.He’sgotalot

ofregretsoverthepast.”

“Wealldo.”

“Cam,he’snotthesameguyhewaswhenheleft.Hewentthroughsomecrazyshitouthere,not

tomentionwhathehadtodo.Idon’twanttoseeyouenduphurt."

“Whathappened?”Iaskhim,needingtoknowwhatNixon’sgonethroughtomakehimtheway

heisnow.

“Well,hisbunkmatetookabullettotheheadrightinfrontofhim,piecesofhisscalplandedall

overNixon.Nottomentionthemissionshewasonhadhimtakingpeople’slives.Itfuckedhimup.

Youdon’tforgetthethingsthathappenhere,Cam.”

Conner ’swordssickenme,butmakeeverythingclickintoplace.That’swhyNixonistheway

heisnow.He’scoveringthepainandregret,forsomuchmorethanIcould’veeverimagined.HereI

amonlythinkingaboutmyself,whenhe’slivedthroughhell.

“Thankyoufortellingme,Con.”

“Ofcourse,Iloveyouboth.”

Afterwefinishourvideochat,everythingmakessomuchmoresense.AllofNixon’scrazy

behaviorshaveareason.ButIstillhavesomanymorequestions.Likewhatwashedoingherelast

night?Grabbingmyphonefrommypursetocallhim,thereareaslewofmessagesfromLuke.He’s

pissed,butIcan’tdealwithhimrightnow.

Sendinghimatexttoeasehisworryingmind,SorryIbailedlastnight.Igotsickinthe

bathroomandhadtogethome,ifyouknowwhatImean.Clearly,Idranktoomuch.

Ihatelyingtohimingeneral,butwhatcanIdo?Idon’twanttohurthim,butI’msoconfused

abouteverything.

It’sallright,I’mjustgladyou’reokay.Westillonfordinnertonight?

Sure.Itexthim,knowingthatafterIhandleshitwithNixon,thatLukeandIcanfigureourstuff

outtoo.

Goingintomycontacts,IknowNixonprogrammedhisnumber,hetoldmetheotherdayandI

laughtomyselfwhenIreadhowheprogrammeditintomyphone.BigCockNixon,Igotoeditit,but

can’t—it’sthetruth.Dialinghisnumber,itringsandrings,thengoestohisvoicemail.“Hey,Nix,it’s

me,Cam.Uh,I’mnotreallysurewhathappenedlastnight.Imean,IamandI’mnot.Idon’tknow

whatI’msaying…butIneedtotalktoyou.Pleasecallme,it’simportant.”

I’mnotsureifhewillcallmebackornot.Lookingoutside,Idecidetohitsomewaves.It

alwayshelpsmeclearmymindandputthingsintoperspective.Puttingonmyswimmingsuit,it’s

beentoolongsinceI’vebeeninthewater.Ibrushmyteethandgrababottleofwaterandmy

surfboard.Walkingoutback,Iseeafewsurfersoutanddon’tfeellikedealingwithanyonerightnow,

soIstrapmyboardtotheroofofmycarandheadtomyfavoritebeach.It’salwaysprivate.

AsImakethetripnorth,myphonerings—it’sNixon.MyheartimmediatelyracesandIabout

pullmycaroverjusttoanswerit.

“Hey,”IsayquietlytohimandIcantellthathe’sbeensleeping.

“Hi,everythingallright?”

“Yeah.I…I’msorryaboutlastnight.”

“No,it’sallgood,don’tbesorry.”

“Thanks.Doyouthinkwecouldtalk,inperson?”

“Idon’tknow,Cam.Mightbebetterifwekeepourdistance.”

“Ipromise,I’llbehave.”

“Youwannameetsomewhere?”heasks.

“Whereareyou?”

“Home.”

“I’mout,goingtoJensenBeach.Icouldswingbyyourplacefirst?”

“Soundsgood,I’lltextyatheaddress.”

Wehangup,andI’mnotsurewhatmyplaniswhenIgetthere.Idon’tknowwhatI’mgoingto

sayoranythinglikethat.However,NixonwasatmyhousewhenIgothomelastnightforareason

andIneedtoknowwhy.

Chapter12

Nixon

“Didyoubuythisplace?”Cameronasksmeaswewalkthroughmyhouse.

“No,”Itellher.“It’smyaunt’s.I’mrentingitfromher.Ineededsomewhereclosetothewater,

with…”

“Thebestwaves,”shefinishesmysentenceforme,stillknowingmesowell.

“Youwantcoffee?”Iaskherandsheshakesherhead.

“ItalkedtoConner,”shetellsmeasIpourmyselfacup.Isetthepotbackinthemachine,my

backtoherasshesitsatthekitchenisland.“Yeah?Whatdidhehavetosay?”

“Hetoldmewhatyou’vebeenthrough,intheNavy.Ihadnoidea.”

“Whatthefuckdidhetellyou?”Iask,lookingather,tryingtogetareadonher.

“Thatyourbunkmatewaskilledinfrontofyou.”

“That’sall?”

“Healsosaidyou’vehurtpeople.”SheswallowsandIdon’tlikethedirectionthisconversation

isheaded.ThisisthelastshitIwanttobetalkingabout.

“Hurt?”Iask.

“Killed,”sheaffirms,andIsipmycoffee,keepingthosetimes,thosethings,thenoiseofitall,

atbay.

“Whatelse?”

“That’sall.”

AndIguessthatistheimportantstuff.Whatmoreistheretosay?Exhalingasshecomesand

standsinfrontofme,Ican’tlookather.Shecupsmycheek,herwarmhandtryingtosettlemyfears,

butIwon’tlether,it’snotherplace.Sheshouldn’tevenknowwhatshedoes.Takingherwrist,Ipullit

away,needingtokeepourdistance.Idon’tdeserveher.EvenifshenowknowswhatI’vegone

throughanddone,she’llneverfullyunderstand.

“Don’tpushmeawayagain.”

IlookintohereyesfilledwithtearsandhatethatI’magainthecauseofherpain.“Don’tcry,

please.”

“Youknowyoucantalktome,right?”

“Iappreciatethat,butI’mdonetalking.TheymademedothatshitintheNavyandlookwhere

thatgotme.”

“Iseeexactlywhereitgotyou.It’smadeyouputonthisfakepersonaandpretendtobe

someoneyou’renot.”

“Cam,thisiswhoIamnow.”

“Why?Youdon’tneedtobe.”

“Idon’tknowhowelsetobe.Thisworks;itgetsmethroughthedays.”

“Okay,thenwhywereyouatmyhouselastnight?”

“Idon’tknow.”

“Don’t.Don’tstartevadingquestions.”

“Thenstopfuckinginterrogatingme,”Isnapandshestepsback.

“I’mnotinterrogatingyou.Ijustthinkyouwerethereforareason.Ididn’trememberatfirstif

I’dcalledyou,thenithitme.IrememberyouhelpingmeupwhenIfelloutofthecabandcarrying

meinside.”

“So?Astrangerwoulddothat.”

“Wouldstrangersdowhatwedid?”

“You’remyweakness.Youalwayshavebeen,andyoualwayswillbe.”

“Thenwhystopandwhyleave?”

“Becauseyouweredrunk.”

“SoifIwassoberyou’dfeeldifferently?”

IwanttotellherthatIwould,thatIcouldfuckherrightnow,likeanyuselesswhorethatIbang,

butIcan’t…Iwon’t,nother.“No,I’msorry,Cam,Iwouldn’t.”

Shelooksatme,hurt,andthengetsupsilentlyandgrabshercarkeyswalkingtomyfrontdoor.

Ihatetoseeherleave;itfuckingkillsme.“Iwasgonnaheadoutbackandsurf,ifyouwannajoin

me?”Iaskherseeingherboardontheroofofhercarandshelooksbackatme.Hereyessparkinthe

lightcominginfromoutside.

I’mnotsurewhyweplaythesegames,thisbackandforth,butwedo.Attheendoftheday,allI

knowisIwanttoprotecther…plainandsimple.Butatthesametime,Ican’tfuckinglethergo.

“Sure,letmegrabmyboard.”Ifollowhertohercar,helpinghertakeitoff.ThenasIcarryit

insidesheasksme,“CanIuseyourrestroom?”Ishowherwhereit’satandsneakofftotakeafew

shotsofvodka.I’mexcitedtohitsomewaveswithher,justlikethegoodolddays.AsI’mchanging

intoafreshpairofboardshorts,shehollersout,“Who’sAmy?”

Sonofabitch!

“Youknow,Idon’tremember,”Itellherandpopmyheadin.She’ssittingonthetoiletstaring

atthelipstickwrittenmessagethat’sonmymirror.

Takingatowel,Itryandruboffthemessage,butitjustsmearseverythingmakingthemirror

redandsmudged.

“Doyousleepwithalotofwomen?”Cameronasksme,andthequestionnotonlymakesme

uneasy,butIcanseetheresentmentandthedisconnectthatcomesacrossherface.HowdoIanswera

fuckingquestionlikethat?

“Noway,”Itellher,knowingit’spointlesstogointodepthabouttherandomwomenthatI

bringhomefromthebars.“IfIdiddecidetohookupwithsomeone,Ialwaysuseprotectionandthey

don’tmeanshittome.Notthewayyoudid.”Shewaitsformetoleavebeforegettingoffthetoilet,

andthenmeetsmeatthebackdoorofmyhouseandweeachgrabourboards.

Walkingoutsideintheheatoftheday,Ican’thelpmyselffromlookingatCam.Shepullsher

sunglassesdownfromthetopofherhairandisobservingthewaves.“It’sgorgeoushere,”shesays.

“Itis.IhopedwhenmyauntsaidIcouldstayhere,thatI’dbeabletoshowyouoneday,”I

confess,thealcoholgivingmethecouragetobehonest.

“Youdid?”sheaskssurprised.

“Yeah,Iknewyou’dloveit.”

ShesmilesandIhopeshebelievesme,becauseit’sthetruth.Ithinkabouthermoreoftenthan

shecanimagine.WhetherIwasacrossthecountryordowntheroad,adaywouldn’tpasswhere

Camerondidn’tcrossmymind.

Shetakesoffhershortsandtanktop,herbodyfuckingsmokin’inherskin-tightbikini.Weboth

strapourboardstoourankles.Walkingintothewaterasfaraswecan,wegetuponthem,bellyfirst,

andpaddleout.“Yougood?”Iaskherandshesplashesmeintheface.Ismirkandwebothturnonce

wearefarenoughoutinthewaterwaitingfortherightwave.“Youwannagotogether?”Iaskher.

“Sure,”shesaysandItellher,“Ihopeyoudon’tlikeyoursunglassestoomuch.”

“Shit,”shecomplainsandtakesthemoff.

“Here,toss‘emtome.”

Shethrowsthemover,andIputtheminoneofmypocketsthenzipitup.Lookingbackasa

heavywaverollsin,shepaddlesintoitandIwatchher,notabletogoalongwithher.Shedigsdeep

andtheseconditcaps,shepopsup,balancinglikeabadass.Herskillsarenaturalandsomuchbetter

thanmine.Fuck,she’ssexy,herswimmingsuitbarelycoveringherass,andshe’ssuchabossturning

intothewaveandridingit.

Shelastsforabouttensecondsbeforeglidingdown,andIseemyopportunitypushingforward.

ThecoolsaltwaterrushesbeneathmyfingertipsandIcansensehereyesonmeasshepaddlesback

out.ThenthemomentthatIstandup,IlastafewsecondsbeforeIeatit.

WekeepridingforGodonlyknowshowlongandthensheasksme,“Wannamakeabet?”

“Fuckyeah.Whatarewebettingfor?”

“Twentybucks.”

“That’sit?That’sallyoucancomeupwith?”Iteaseher.

“Youwantthebetornot?”

“Absolutely.”Thetruthis,Imissbeingcompetitivewithher.Wealwaysusedtomakebetsand

shit,andeventhoughIalwayslost…Ilovedmakingherhappy.

“Okay,let’scatchthenextwavetogetherandseewhocanstandupthelongest.”

Welookback,waitingfortheperfectone,andoncewespotit,wedon’tevenhavetospeak.I

paddlehard,puttingeverythingIcanintoit,thenassoonasIpopup,myearsareplaguedwiththe

awfulsoundofherscream.Isearchwildlyforherandseehergettoppledbyanotheroncoming

wave,itsilencesherandIunstrapmyboard.Divingin,notevensurehowdeepitis,Ihavetofindher.

Openingmyeyes,thesaltwaterburns.Swimminginthedirectionthatshefell,Ispotthewaterturning

pinkandwhenImakeittoher,Icanseeherlegisgushingblood.

Fearfulforwhathappened,Ihavetogetherout.Takingherboardoff,Igrabherbodyand

swimashardasIcan.Sheisinpain,clingingtomeaswemakeourwayoutofthewater.“Whatthe

fuckhappened?”Iaskher.

“Idon’tknow,theremustbeareefoutthere.”

BloodisstreamingdownherlegasIrunacrossthesandwithherinmyarms.Takingherinside

myhouse,Isetheronthekitchenislandandinspectthehugegashonthesideofhercalfasshe

heavesinpain.“Fuck,Nixon,makeitstop,”shebegsmeandItellher,“Iwill,justhangon.”

Herfaceisalltwistedupasshebreathesthroughthepain.Puttingpressureoverherlegwitha

towel,sheliesbackontheislandandIholdstill,prayingthatIcangetittostopbleeding.

“Whydoesithurtsobad?”sheasks.

“It’sthesaltwater.KeeppressureonthisandI’llgrabmykit.”

“Kit?”shequestionsme.

“Willyoufuckingholdthis!?”ShetakesthetowelfrommyhandandIrunintomybathroom,

gettingmysurvivalkit.AsaNavySEAL,wewereneversupposedtofindourselvesintroublewe

couldn’tgetoutof.ThiskitwasmylifelineandIneverimaginedinamillionyearsthattheonetime

I’duseitwouldbeonCameron’sleg.

Walkingbackouttoher,Iseesheislookingatthegash.“Diditstopbleeding?”Iask.

“Uhhuh,forthemostpart.”

Fuck,itlooksterrible.“Canyoufixit?”sheasks.

“Yeah,ofcourse,unlessyou’drathergotoahospital?”

“No,Iwantyoutodoithere.”

Thereisaknockonthebackslidingdoor,andIlooktoseeadudeIsurfwitheverynowand

then.Inodhimin.

“Nixon,bro,everythingokay?”hepopshisheadin.

“Yeah,mygirljusthitareef,butall’sgood.”

“Ibroughtyourboardsup,they’reouthereleaningonthedeck.”

“Thanksforgrabbingthem,man.”IlookdownatCameron’sleg,notabletofocusonanything

else.

“Forsure,catchyalater.”

Inodasheleaves.Iwanttohelpher,butIworrythatI’llhurtherandI’vealreadydoneenough

ofthatinmylife.“Yousureyouwantmetocleanitup?”Iaskheragainandshenodsabruptly.

Openingmykit,IgrabwhatIneedtocleanthewoundandasIdo,shesitsstill,trustingme,

lettingmehelpher.Shereallyshouldgotothehospital,butlookingintohereyes,theyencourageme

on.

Chapter13

Cameron

“Here,”Nixonsaysandhandsmeanotherbeer.Itakeitfromhim,lookingupintohisbrightblue

eyesthatglimmerinthereflectionofthefire.AfterIhurtmyleg,I’vestayedathishouseallday.

Therehasbeennotalkofourpastorwhatthefuturelookslike,andI’mokaywiththat.It’snicetojust

hangout.

Sittingoutbackofhishome,thewavesarenonstop,crashingagainsttheshore.Suchablissful

sound,andI’msofullfromtheamazingdinnerhegrilledforus.

“Howareyoufeeling?”heasksme,sittingdowninachairnexttome.Mylegissoreandthe

bloodpulsatingwon’tstop,butbeingherewithhimisthebest,justliketheolddays.Iwouldn’t

changeathing…mylegincluded.

“I’mgood…perfect.”

“Yeah?”heasks,lookingdownatmeasIstareupathim.It’strue—Icouldn’tfeelmore

completethanIamwhenI’maroundhim.

“Uh-huh.”

Iyawn,theamberembersfromthefiretiringmeout.Mycellphonerings.It’sLuke…again.

“Youbetteranswerthat.”

“HeyLuke?”Ianswerreluctantlyandcan’thelpbutyawn.

“Thereyouare.I’matyourplace.Areyougonnaletmein?”

MyeyesgetwideandIthinkofhowtorespond.“What?Whyareyouthere?”

“Wehaveplanstonight,remember?”

“Wedo…”ItrailoffandmouthtoNixon,“He’satmyhouse.”Hegivesmethatlook,theone

thatsays,Ican’thelpya.

“Uh,I…I’moutforarunonthebeach,andI’mreallyfaraway.Iwon’tbehomeforawhile.”

“Sowhat,you’rejustbailing?”hescoffsatme.

“I’msorry,IguessIam,Luke.”

“Fine,IguessI’ll…,”hehangsuponme,beforefinishinghissentence.

“Jesus!Whatdidhesay?”NixonasksmeasIstareattheblankscreenofmyphone.

“He’spissedthatIbailedonhim.”

“Whydidn’tyoustillmeethim?”

“Areyoukiddingme?Wefinallyhavesomealonetimewhereshitseemsnormal.I’mnot

gonnachangethatforLuke.”

“Butyoucouldfuckhimagain,”hetellsmeandmyfaceturnsred…howdoesheknow?“What,

youdon’tremembertellingmelastnight?”

“Itoldyou?”

“Oh,yeah…”

“Christ,whatelsedidIsay?”

“Youreallywantmetotellyou?”Ishakemyhead,buryingmyfaceinthepalmsofmyhands.

“ButLuke…really?”

“Iwasdrunk,itwasaone-timething.”

“Clearly,hedoesn’tthinkthat.Helikesyou.”

“Nixon?”anunfamiliarvoicecallsoutinterruptingtheconversationandIglanceupathim,

thennoticeagirlpeekingherheadaroundthecornerofhishouselikeaweirdo.“Uh,I’mkindabusy

here,”herudelytellsher.Shedoesn’tseemtocareasshecomesfullyintoview,dressedlikeawhore

inaskin-tight,hotpinkdress.She’sclearlydrunkasherbodyswaysbackandforth.

“Oh,”sherespondsandlooksatme,ashedrapeshisarmmeaningfullyoverthebackofmy

chair.IlethimdowhathewantsasIdon’treallyknowwhattodo.

“Doyoumind?”heasksherandshejivesback,“Aren’tyougoingtointroducemetoyour

friend?”

“No,Idon’tevenknowyourname.”

Igiggleandsheplacesherhandsonherhipsandglaresathim,“I’mAmy,remember?Iwrote

mynameonyourmirror.Youtextedmetocomeoverlastnightandthenweren’there.”

SothisislipstickAmy.

“Yeah,it’snotringingabell,sweetie,”hetellsherandremoveshishandfrombehindmybody,

grabbinghisbeerandtakingahugeswigofit.

“Well…whatever.Ileftmyearringsinsidetheothernight,soI’lljustruninandlookforthem.”

She’sgotanastyscowlonherfaceandIcan’thelpbutsmirkather.Whatwasshethinkingcoming

here?Thathe’dfuckher?Andmaybehewould,ifIwasn’there.Shesaidhetextedherlastnightand

thenwasn’thome;maybeitwaswhenhewaswithme.Eventhoughhe’snotmine,imagininghim

withsomeoneelsemakesmesick.

IremindmyselfofwhatNixonandIshared,thesecurityandtrustofourrelationshipwaslike

nothingelse,andspendingtodaywithhimhasshownmethatdeepbeneaththoselayerslivesthemanI

usedtolove.

“Trustme,sweetheart,youdidn’tleaveanythinginsidemyhouse.Sowhydon’tyougoon?”

Hermouthisgapingopenandsheflipshimoff,thenturnsandstumblesaway.

“Well,thatwasunexpected.”

“Right,sorryaboutthat,”hesaysandIplacethespoutofmybeertomylips.AsIswallowasip,

Ilookoverhimandask,“Sothat’slipstickAmy?”

“Apparently…youknowhowIamwithnamesthough.”

Webothlaughoutloud.Heisterriblewiththem.HealwayshasbeenandI’msurehealways

willbe.“Doalotofrandomgirlscomeoverhere?”

Heshakeshisheadsmilingandsitsbackinhischair,drapinghisarmbehindmeagain.The

simpletouchofhisfingersbehindmeistoomuchtohandle.

“Ishouldgetgoing,”Itellhim.

“Staythenight?”heasks,andkissesmyshoulder,thesamewayheusedtoyearsago.

Leaningmyheadtothesideashislipsthentouchmyneck,Icontemplatehisquestionandwhat

theconsequencesofstayingwithhimcouldbe.AsIlookintohiseyes,hiddenfarbehindtheir

exterioristheoldNixon,myNixon,andIwanttobringhimback.SoInodmyhead,I’llstay.

BecauseifIgo,I’llalwaysregretit.

Chapter14

Nixon

“Doyouwantlikeat-shirtorsomethingtowear?”IaskCamassheusesmytoothbrushbeforewe

getintobed.

“Sure,thanks.”

Headingintomycloset.IgrabherthesoftestoneIownandchangeintosomesweatshorts.AsI

turnaround,sheisstandinginthedoorway,naked.Themoonlightiscastingashadowaroundher.

She’ssofuckingbeautiful.I’mnotsurewhattodo,soIdon’tdoanything.

“Ipromise,I’mnotdrunk,”shesaysassheclosesthedistance.

Standinginfrontofme,shetakesmyhandandguidesitupherbody.Iwatchwhatshe’sdoing,

myheartpounding,andItellher.“Ican’tpromiseIwon’tfuckupagainandhurtyou.”

“Okay,”sheresponds,acceptingmyanswer.

“AndIcan’tgiveyoumorethansex.”

“Okay.”

“Doesn’tthatbotheryou?”Iaskher,throwingeverywarningsignoutIcan.

“Nixon,youaskedmetostayforareason,”hervoicecrackles.“Asmuchasyoutryandpush

meaway,Iwon’tletyoudoitagain.”

“ButIcan’tgiveyoumore.”

“Youcould,ifyoutried.TheguyIfellinlovewithisstillinsideyou.I’veseenbitsandpieces

ofhimallday.Youjusthavetofindhimandbringhimback.Allittakesisonedayatatime…starting

rightnow.”

Sheguidesmyhanddownherbody,myfingersslidingintoherslit,andItakemyotherhand

grippinghertitasshenudgesherselfagainstme.Leaningintomyneck,shekissesme,hersoftlips

hardeningmycock.Theheatofherpussyenticesme,andIdoit.Islidetwofingersinsideher.She

moans,throwingherheadback,andIworkherpussy.Thetensionfromhermusclesguidingme.

MycockisdrippingforherasIholdherinmyarms,fingeringher,controllingher,pleasing

herthewayshedeserves.ThewayonlyIcan.Hernoisespitch,andIknowshe’salreadyclose.Her

bodyisredandclammyinmyhold,andIwhisperintoherear,“Areyougonnacomeforme?”

“Mmmhhh,”shewhines,andIaddathirdfinger,stretchingher,knowingthattonight,Iwillfuck

herhard,Iwillclaimher,Iwillhavemywaywithheruntilthesuncomesup.“Yes,Nixon,”she

screams,shakinginmyarmsasIwatchhercomeagain,satisfiedthatthistimeshetrulywantsitand

wantsme.

Carryinghertomybed,Ithrowherdown.“Onyourhandsandknees,”Itellher,whichisher

favorite,ifIrememberright,andyankmyshortsdown,rollingonacondom.Shelooksbackatme

sobeautifully,andItightlyholdontoeachofherasscheeks,gentlyenteringherheavenlycunt.My

ballstightenfromthepressure,mycockharderthanit’sbeeninyears,andIbegintothrustinandout

ofher.

“Yes,”shemoansasIwatchmyshaftgoinginandoutofher.Hercheeksarespreadwidetaking

everyinchofme.Herpussyiswrappedaroundmelikeafuckingcloak,andmybodyisonfire.AsI

pumpherpussy,Igetgoingsofastthatmyballsslapthefrontofherclit.“OhGod,”shecriesoutand

Idon’twanttocome,Idon’twanttoletgo.FuckingheristhebestthingI’veeverexperienced.We

couldgoallnightandIwantto.

Spankingherasshard,sheyelpsandpullsawayfromme.Grippingherbythethighs,Ipullher

backtomeandslambackintoher,buryingmycockinsideofmyfavoriteplace.

“Fuck,yes!”She’ssovocalandIloveit.Iholdontoher,lovingthesoundofhervoiceasshe

coaxesmeon.Pumpingmyhipsasshelooksbackatme.Hereyes,sparkleinthemoonlight,andI

can’thelpmyself.Wegetcarriedaway,beingbacktogetherlikethis,losingourgraspontime.I’m

notsureifit’sbeenhoursorminutes,butshe’sgotmeclosetolettinggo.Ikeepgoingforaslongas

possible,thensuddenlymyballsexplode.Ishutmyeyestightly,grunting,lettingmycumgo.Heat

spreadsthroughmybodyandafewsecondslater,webothfallforward,hersweatybodytremblingas

anotherintenseorgasmrollsoutofher.Ifuckherhard,lovinghowshetremblesandownsthe

moment.

Onceshesettles,Ipulloutofherandlookdownatmydicktoremovethecondom,butit’s

gone.“Fuck!”Imutterandsheasksme,“What’swrong?”

“Nothing,”Ilienotsurehowtotellher,butshesensesit.

“Diditfalloff?”

“Yeah,itmust’ve.”Iliftthedrycondomfromthebedandshowittoher.

“How?”

“Probably,whenIspankedyouandslippedout.”

“Andyoudidn’tnotice?”shescreechesatme.

“No,youdidn’teither.”

“Goddammit,Nixon.”

“What’sthebigdeal?Aren’tyouonthepillorsomething?”

“Yeah,butthat’snotthepoint.”

“Whatisthepoint?”Iaskher,defensive.

Shesitsupontheedgeofthebedsilent,andIdon’tlikehowshe’sclosingherselfofftome

aboutthis.“Talktome.”Ipullherbackagainstmychestandshesays,“HowdoIknowyou’re

clean?”

“HowdoIknowyouare?”Ijiveback,notappreciatingthatshe’saccusingmeofsuchathing.

“Ialwaysuseprotection,”shesays.

“AndsodoI.”

“Sothishasneverhappened?Yourfuckingcock’shuge;I’msureyou’vehadacondombreak.”

“What,thislittleoldthing?”Iteaseher,butshe’snothavingitassheglaresatme.“Noway,and

ifIdid,I’dgoandgettested.Plus,theCoastGuardmademegothroughonehellofaphysical.”

Kissingthetopofhershoulderlikeshelikes,Ihopethisconversationisover.Whatashitty

thingtohavetotalkabout.

Shenodsandslipsoutofmyhold,leavingmesittingallaloneinmybed.Iwatchherwalkoff

tothebathroomandgivehersomespace.Icheckmyphoneonmynightstandandseeamessagefrom

mymom,Don’tforgetaboutGG’sbirthdayparty,tomorrowateleven.

I’llbethere,Ma.

Cameroncomesoutofthebathroomwearingoneofmyt-shirts.“No,don’tdothat.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Don’tcoveryourbodyup.Iwanttofuckyouagain.”

Shetakesitoffandgetsintomybed,layingherheadagainstmychest.Iclosemyeyesandshe

runsherfingersovermyskin.Asawaveofworriescreepuponme,Iholditback,remindingmyself

tostayinthemomentwithherasherwordsresoundinmyhead.“Justonedayatatime.”

I’mnotevensurewhatthatmeans,butI’mtrustingthatsheknowsbetterthanIdo.“Doyouhave

planstomorrow?”

Sheshakesherheadinresponse,andItellher,“GGrecentlyturnedninety-six.Wouldyoucome

withmetoherparty?”

Lookingupatmeshecupsmycheekandsays,“Oh,Nixon,Idon’tknowaboutthat.”

“Whynot?”

“Idon’tknowifI’mreadytoseeyourfamily.”

“Whynot?Myfamilylovesyou,Cam.Theymissyou…trustme.”

Shedoesn’trespondandIletthesubjectgo.Idon’twanttopushher.Ienjoybeingaroundher;I

enjoyus.

“IfIgo,whatwillwetellthem?”

“Nothing,”Irespond,“Theyaren’tgonnaaskquestions,youknowthat.PleasecomeforGG.It

wouldmakeherday.”

***

“DoIlookokay?”Cameronasksmeaswewalkuptomymom’shouse.

“Yeah,youlooksexyasfuck.”

Shestopsonthefrontstairsbeforewegoinandlooksatme;acloudofuncertaintydarkensher

eyes.“Nixon,canIaskyousomethingbeforewedothis?”

MypalmsgetsweatyandIworryshe’shavingsecondthoughtsagain.“Ofcourse.”

“Promisemethatyouwon’tleavemealonewithyourcreepyUncleMic?”

Igrabherass,squeezingithardinmygripandshelaughs.“Don’tfuckingscaremelikethat,I

thoughtsomethingwaswrong.”

Shestandsonhertippytoesandkissesme.Wrappingbothmyarmsbehindher,I’menjoying

thismomentwithher,butitiscutshort.Mycousinwalksupbehindusandsays,“Getaroomyoutwo,

wouldya?”

CameronandIseparate,lookingoveratmycousinRhonda’sfamiliarface.“Howareyou?”I

askgivingherahug.

ShehugsmebackandthenCameron,andsays,“I’mgood—fatandpregnant.Howareyou?”

Webothlookdownatherstomach,she’snotthatbig,butIknowbetterthantoevertalkabouta

woman’sfigure.

“I’mgreatandyoulookbeautiful,”CamerontellsherasIopenthefrontdoor.

“How’sConner?”sheasks.

“He’sgood.I’lltellhimyouaskedabouthim.”

Rhondasmilesandwegoinsidemymom’shouse.“Ma?”Iyelloutasweroundthecornerand

arebombardedbyallofmyfamily,withtheirmouthsallhungopenasCameronandIwalkinhandin

hand.Thenwegetlostinabarrageofhugsandhellos.Camerongetspulledawayfrommebymy

momwhocompletelyforgetsaboutmeandembracesher,tearsglossinghereyesasthetwoofthem

reunite.“WhatamI,choppedliver?”

Shereachesforme,pullingmeintoherarmstoo,andasthethreeofusstandtheretogether,my

momwhispers,“Thankyou,God.”Thenaswepullaway,thetwoofthemarecrying,andIfeel

terribleforbreakingthebondtheyhad.MymomwasasecondmomtoCameron,sinceherparents

werealwayssailing.SheandConnergrewupwithme.MymomholdsontoCameron’scheeks,and

shelooksatmeoutofthecornerofhereye,“Don’tfuckthisupagain,Nixon!”

“I’lltry,”Itellmymom,andsheglaresatme.PullingCameronoutofherhold,Iask,excitedto

seeher,“Where’sGG?”

“I’minhere,”sheresponds,hervoicecrackling,andwewalkinthedirectionthatweheardher.

Sheissittingonmymom’sleathersofa.

“Hi,GG!”Shesmilesupatmewithhertiredeyes,andstilltothisday,everytimeIlookather,I

canseemydad.Asmuchasitpainsmethatheisgone,Icanonlyhopehe’dbeproudofthewaysI

triedtofollowinhisfootsteps.EventhoughI’vefuckedupalongtheway,I’mtryingtomakethose

mistakesright.

“Happybirthday!Howareyou,GG?”Cameronasks,leaningoverandembracingmygrandma.

“Thankyou,dear,I’mgood.Christalmighty,don’tyoulookstunning,evenmoregorgeous

thanIremember.”

“Ahh,thankyou.”

“Happybirthday,”Itellherandembracehertightly.

Thenwesitonthecouchnexttoher,thetwoofthemgettinglostinconversation,andIsitback,

observingeveryoneandeverythingaroundme.EspeciallyCameron.TheregretIhaveoverhurting

herissogreat.I’mnotsurewhysheforgaveme,orisbeingsogoodtome.Especiallyafter

everythingI’veputherthrough.Ibrokeherheartandletherdown,andI’mscaredI’lldoitagain.It’s

boundtohappen.Andwhenitdoes…I’mnotsureifI’dbeabletolivewithmyself.

Chapter15

Cameron

Sittingdownintheconferenceroomforourweeklydebriefing,IlookaroundforNixonanddon’t

seehimyet.Hewassostrangeafterhisgrandma’spartylastnight.Wegotbacktohisplace,andhe

saidhewastiredandgonnasleep,notgivingmetheoptiontostaywithhimagain.SoIgavehim

space.Imean,whatwasIsupposedtodo?He’snotmine.

LukeandGuycomeinandsitnexttome.“What’sup?”Guyasksme,andIcheckmyphone,

seeingifNixontextedmeatall.It’snotlikehimtobelate…infact,hehatesit.

“Notmuch,howareyouguys?”TheybothnodinresponseandIaskthem,“Haveyouseen

Nixonyettoday?”TheyshaketheirheadsandMackbeginsthemeeting.

“Goodmorning,thankyouallforcomingin.I’mgoingtogetstarted,eventhougheveryone

isn’thereyet,aswe’vegotsomeimportantthingstocover.”Sittingbackinthechair,Ipreparefor

whatI’msurewillturnintoanhouroftalkingandoveranalyzing.“I’msureyouallareawareit’s

officiallythebeginningofhurricaneseasonandwehavealreadyhadthreestormsoutintheAtlantic,

oneofwhichmadelandfallintheMiamiregion.Theaftermathofthestormisn’tpretty;theyare

dealingwithatremendousamountofflooding,andthecrewsdowntherehavebeenbombardedwith

callsfromstrandedboaters.Thankfully,wedidn’tloseanycrewmembers,buttheyweren’tableto

rescuetwofishermenonboardacapsizedwatercraft.Botharestillmissing.Whenyouareouton

yourcallsorsurveyingareastodayandgoingforward,pleasekeepyoureyesoutforanyoneinthe

water.Obviously,youalreadydothat,butthesemencouldstillbeoutatseaandanywherewiththe

strongcurrents.Wewillbesendingafewcrewsouttojustsearchtoday.Withthatsaid,weallknow

thatthesestormscanliterallypopupoutofnowhereandcanalsodissipateatthesamerate.Letme

remindyouofourfirstrule—nooneevergetsleftbehind.Yourcrewisyourpriority;youmustkeep

eachothersafeatallcosts.Anyquestions?”

“Wastheboateverrecoveredthatbelongstothemissingfishermen?”

“No,itwasn’t.Anyoneelse?”Nooneanswershimandhesays,“Allright,besafeoutthere

today.”

Asweallbegintoexittheroom,MackstopsLuke,Guy,andme.“Where’sNixon?”heasksus.

“Uh,he’snotfeelingwelltoday,hecalledmethismorning.I’mnotsureifhe’llmakeitinor

not,”IlieforhimandsenseLukeandGuystareatmeastheyknowIamlying.MomentsbeforeI’d

askedthemifthey’dseenhim.

“Well,heneedstocallme,”Mackorders.“Pleasetellhimthatifanyofyoutalktohim.”

“We’lltellhim.Idon’tthinkheknew.”

“Okay.Andifhedoesn’tmakeitintoday,youguyscan’tgoout.”

“Noteventohelplookforthemissingboaters?”Guyasks,pissedoff.

“No,youneedafullcrew,youknowthat.So,you’reprobablydonefortheday.”

MackwalksoffandGuythrowshisarmsintheair.“Whatthefuckisgoingon?”

“Idon’tknow,”Itryandcovermyass,andLukesays,“Whyareyoustickingupforhim?”

“Becauseweareateam.I’dexpectyouguystodothesamethingforme.Isn’tthatwhatwedo?”

Theybothnodtheirheadsinagreement.Checkingmyphoneagain,hestillhasn’trespondedto

mytext.“Whyareyousoworriedaboutyourphoneallofasudden?”Lukequestionsme,andIwalk

off,notlikingthewaythatbothheandGuyareacting.IhavetogetaholdofNixon…somethingis

goingonwithhimandIdon’tlikeit.

“Oh,comeon,Cam,Iwasjoking.”

LeavingthebuildingIstepoutsideandcallhim,buthisphoneringsandrings.“Hey,it’sme,is

everythingokay?I’mworried,callme…please?”Ileavehimamessageandwalkbackinside.

“Sowhat?We’redonefortheday?”theguysaskme.

“Iguessso.Doesn’tseemlikeNixonisgonnashow.”

“Fuckthis,I’moutofhere.”GuyleavesandLukejogsafterhim.Lookingaroundateveryone

elseintheshop,theyallhavesomethingtodo,soIleavetoo.

DrivingtoNixon’shouse,itisahotday.Ispothistruckinthedriveway,tellingmehe’shere.

Walkingtothefrontdoor,Iknock,buthedoesn’tanswer.It’slocked,soIstrollaroundtotheback

andfindhisbedroomdoorunlocked.AsIwalkinside,thereisabottleoftequilaonhisnightstand.

“Nixon?”Icalloutandgoinsearchofhim,butdon’tgetaresponseorseehim.There’sonlyone

otherplacehecouldbe.Lookingoutside,Ispothimonhissurfboard.Onhisbedismyswimming

suitfromthedaybefore.Ichangeoutofmyclothesandintoit.Walkingalongthesand‘tilIreachthe

shoreline,Iwatchhimgazingoutatthewaterandworryaboutwhat’sreallygoingonwithhim.He’s

sittingonhisboard,lookingoutattheoceanwithhisbacktome.It’sareallycalmday,therearenot

enoughwavestosurf,butthisiswherehe’shappiest.

Jumpingin,Ibegintoswimandforgetallaboutmyleg.Suddenlyitbeginstosting,theseasalt

burningit,butIpushthroughthepain,needingtogettohim.AsIapproachhisboard,he’slostina

trance.Hedoesn’tevennoticemenexttohim,untilIclimbontop.“Hey.”Wearesittingfacetoface.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”heasksme,alarmed.

“Whyareyouignoringme?”

“I’mnot,Cam.”Helooksdown,hishandssplayedoutinfrontofhim.

“Yeah,youare,”Itellhimandtrytolookintohiseyes.Hewon’tevenlookatme.Icanfeelhim

pushingmeaway,thesamewayhedidallthoseyearsago,andfornogoodreason.“Don’tdothisto

meagain,Nixon.”

“I’mnotdoinganything.Ididn’taskyoutocomehere;youshouldreallygo.”

“Sothat’showyou’regoingtotreatme?Afterwespentthemostamazingcoupleofdays

together,nowIshouldjustleave?”

Helookstotheleft,swallowing.IcatchsightofhisAdam’sapplemovinginhisthroatandI’ll

bedamnedifIlethimdothistousagain.“Goddammit,Nixon,fuckin’lookatme!”Iscreamathim

andhiseyesmeetmine.“Ilostyouonceanditaboutkilledme.Iwillnotloseyouagain,nomatter

what.Sowhateveritisthat’sgoingoninyourhead,youbetterfigureitthefuckout.”

“I’vetoldyou,Ican’tgiveyouwhatyouneed,”hesaysandlooksdownagain.“IwishIcould…

butIjustdon’tthinkIcan.”

“Yes,youcan.Youknowwhy?‘CauseallIneedisyou.RememberwhatIsaid,‘onedayata

time.’”Helooksatme,mywordsdoingsomethingtohim.

“Maybethat’showyoufeel,butwhataboutwhenIfuckupagain?”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”Iaskhim.

“HowareyougoingtofeelthenexttimeIfuckup?”

“You’renotevenmakingsense,Nixon.AreyougoingbacktotheNavy?”

Heshakeshishead,andIscootalittleclosertohimandtouchhisface.“Thenwe’vegot

nothingtoworryabout.”

“SincethedayIleftfortheNavy,IhatedmyselfforwhatIdidtoyou,andseeingyoubackwith

myfamilyyesterday,it’swhereyoubelongedallalong,andIfuckedthatallup.ItookConnerfrom

youaswell.Ileftyouwithnothing—noone—Ifuckinghatemyselfforit.”Tearsglossoverhiseyes.

“Don’tdothis.Don’tliveinthepast.Everythinghappensforareason,Nixon,youhaveto

believethat.Fromthismomentforward,makethingsrightforus.Itrustthatyou’llneverhurtme

againandyouhaveto,too.”Hekissesmypalmthatistouchinghisface.Thentakesmyhandinhis,

scootingclosertomeaswell.He’sbreathingharshly,lookingmeintheeye.

“ButIdon’t,youknowwhy?”Ishakemyhead.“‘CauseIknewleavingyouwaswrongandI

stilldidit.”

Ourconversationisbroughttoahaltbyhiswordsandwesitstaringintoeachother ’seyes,the

wavesrockingbeneathus.Ifheknewitwaswrong,thenwhydoit?Whylieabouteverythingandsay

thatitwasformyowngood?Ataloss,IdotheonlythingIcan:forcehimtochoose.

Untyingmyswimmingsuitatmyneck,Iletmytitspopoutandhelooksaroundatthebeach

behindus.Thencoversthembackupandsays,“Whatareyoudoing,crazy?”Hedoesn’tlikeit,and

thenIuntieeachsideofmyswimmingsuitbottoms.Nooneisaroundandwearesofaroutthatif

anyoneisonthebeach,theycouldn’tmakeoutwhatwearedoing.Mybottomsfallopenandhelooks

downatmypussy,likehe’sinpain.“Whyareyoudoingthis?”

“Because,ifyoureallyfeellikeyou’regoingtohurtmeagain,thenIwantyoutolookatme

andswimaway.Let’sendthisnow…or,youcanstaywithmeandwe’llatleasttry.Noone’sperfect,

I’mnotexpectingyoutobe,butpleasedon’tgiveupsoeasily.”Immediatelyherubsmyclit,andI

takethatashedoesn’twanttoletmego,thathewantstotry.

“Youknowwecan’tfuckouthere.”

“Whynot?”Iaskhimandtakehiscockout,lookingdownatit.Heisstiffandmakesmypussy

clench.Iswallow,wantinghiminsidemeandhepullsmecloser.“Wrapyourlegsbehindme,”he

says,gettingcarriedawayinthemoment.Iliftthemoutofthewater.Heleansback,balancingoutthe

weightonhisendoftheboardandIdothesame,watchingasheslideshimselfinsideme,skinto

skin,nothingseparatingus.“Fuckme,Cam,”herequestsandslowlyIstarttomove.Thecalmocean

rollingbeneathus,mixingwithmymovements,hasmenervousthatwe’llflipover,butifwedo,

we’llkeepfuckingwhereverwefall.

Myeyesareonthepointwhereourbodiesconnect,hispulsatingdicksohardasImoveupand

downonit.Hefeelsincredibleinsideme.ThisisthefirsttimeI’veeverbeenwithanyoneunprotected

andIcouldn’twantitmore.

Imoan,mybodyignitinginpleasureandasmyeyescheckthebeach,hesaystome,“Lookat

me,don’tworryaboutanythingelse.”

Inod,lookingdeepintohisblueeyes,histhumbrubbingmerightwhereIneedit.Matchedwith

theheadofhiscockinsidemeasIslideupanddown,it’stoomuchtohandle.Ifightit,butlose.

Cominghard,IgladlygiveovertothedesirerightasNixondoes.Ablastofhiscumfillsme,and

althoughwedidn’tfullysettleourconversation,himdoingthiswashiswayofacceptingtogive

thingsashot.Andknowingwe’regoingtomakesmefeellikeeverythingwillbeokay.Imeanithas

tobe—Ican’tlivewithouthimagain.

Chapter16

Nixon

AsIwalkalongthebeachwithCameron,everythingfeelsright.AfterIdroppedheroffathomelast

nightanddrankmyselfintooblivion,itwascleartomethatIwasfallingforher.Allthememories

I’dworkedyearsatsuppressing,she’sslowlybringingbacktoreality.Andthefactthatshe’swilling

toacceptmeandtakethingsonedayatatimegivesmehope.Ihaveagoodfeelingwecouldmakeit

thistime.

“You’requiet,”shesaysandIfeellikeI’minabitofafunk.

“Idon’tmeantobe.”

“Thendon’t.Youcanopenuptome,Nixon.”

Inodandpickupaperfectseashellhandingittoher.“Thankyou,”shetellsme,smiling.

SomethingsosimplethatImissedmorethanIeverrealized.“Youknow…Mackwaspissedyou

weren’ttheretoday.”ShetriestochangethesubjectandIgoalongwithher.

“I’msurehewas.HowwereGuyandLuke?”

“Guywaspissed,Lukewas…well,howLukealwaysis.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iaskher,wrappingmyfingersaroundhers.Sheexhales,holdingmy

handback.Thesmallgesturesatisfyingher.

“He’seasygoing,youknowthat.Buttheybothreallywantedtogoouttoday.Therearesome

boatersmissingoffthecoastofMiamiandtheywantedtosearchforthem.

“Whycouldn’tyou?”

“Mackwouldn’tletusgoupwithoutyou.”

“Damn,I’msorry.Ididn’tknow.”

“It’sokay.YouknowaswellasIdothattheydidn’tsurvive.Theywereoutatseaduringa

hurricane.”

Inodknowingsheisright.MotherNatureisn’tgentle,andshesureashelldoesn’ttakepity

uponanyone.

“So,areyoucomingtoworktomorrow?”

“Yeah,”ItellherandwonderifshewantstotellGuyandLukeaboutus.“Whatdoyouthinkwe

shouldsaytotheguys?”

“Aboutwhat?”sheasks,pickingupanotherseashell.

“Us.”

“Nothingyet.We’retakingthingsonedayatatime,remember?”

“Idoandnothingwillchangethat…butdon’tyouthinkweshouldbehonest?”Iaskher,

wantingtobesure,especiallybecauseofherpastwithLuke.

“We’lltellthem…whenthetime’sright.”

“Lukebetterkeephisfuckingdickinhispants,”Itellherandshesaystome,“You’vegot

nothingtoworryabout.Iwon’tletanythinghappen,butyou’regoingtohavetokeepyourselfin

control.”

Stickingmyhandsupinfrontofme,Itellher,“Shouldn’tbeaproblemaslongasIgettofuck

youattheendoftheday.”Shesmirks,butdoesn’tanswerme.She’splayinghardballandIlikeit.

“Thatisunlessyouhaveotherplans?”

“Youknow,”shesays,“I’mreallybusyintheevenings,soyoumighthavetofuckmeinthe

mornings.”

“Howaboutboth?”Iaskher,stoppingheronthebeachandpullingherclosetome.

“Thatworkstoo.”

Shesmilessobeautifully,andIaskher,“Didyoueatyettoday?”

“No,you?”

“Nope,wannagrababitetoeat?”

“Youmeanotherthaneachother?”shesmirks.

“Sure,”Itellheraswewalkuptomycondo.“Doyoustilllikelobster?”sheasksme.

“Doyoureallyhavetoask?Youknowit’smyfavorite.”

“There’sanewplacenotfarfromherethathasthebestlobsterrolls.Youwannago?”

“Yeah,I’mgame.”

“Okay,”sherespondsandchangesoutofherswimmingsuitandbackintoherclothes.Myeyes

arealloverherbodyasIgetaglimpseofhertitsandass.Jesus,she’sperfect.

“Yougonnastarealldayorchangeyourself?”

“I’mwearingthis.”SherollshereyesatmeasItossonatanktop.I’mmostcomfortableinmy

boardshorts.Ilivedforfartoolongbehindauniform.“Thisplaceisn’tformaloranything,isit?”

“Notatall.”

“You’rebeautiful,youknowthat,right?”

Shebeams,likeit’sthefirsttimeI’vetoldher.Sheshylypullsherhairup,keepingherbackto

me.“Ready?”sheasks.

Itakeherhandinmineandweleave.Shedrivesuptotheplaceandstillhasn’trespondedtomy

comment.I’mreallynotevensurewhatIwantedhertosay,butIdowanthertoknowhowbeautiful

sheis.Whenshewalksintoaroom,everyonelooksather,shetakesitover,she’ssofuckin’

gorgeous.

“Yougood,everythingwithus?”Iask.

“Yeah,whywouldn’tIbe?”shequestionsmeback.

“I’mjustmakingsure,‘causeIwasadickearlier.”

Briefly,sheglancesoveratmeandthensays,“Iunderstandwhatyou’regoingthrough.”

Parkinginfrontofthetwo-storyrestaurantwithwhatappearstobearooftopbaronit,Iask

her,“YougonnaletmebuyyoursexyassdinnerbeforeItakeyouhomeandfucktheshitoutof

you?”

Shesmirksatmycomment,butwebothknowI’mdeadserious.

Walkinginside,awaitresssays,breezingonby,“Feelfreetositanywhere.”IfollowCameron

uptotheroof.“Prettysweetview,”Itellher.

“WhatcanIgetya’lltodrink?”acutesurferchickasks.

IlookatCameronandshesays,“I’lltakeawater.”Ilookatthebeersontapandorderalager.

ThegirlwalksoffandIaskCam,“Awater…really?”

“Ihavetodrive.”

“Ohplease,onebeerwithdinnerisn’tgonnakillya.”

“Iknowitwon’t,butonewillleadtosix,andwehaveworktomorrow.

Istopgivingherahardtimeandask,“Doyouknowwhatyou’regoingtoget?”

“Thelobsterroll,you?”

“Thesame,that’swhyyoubroughtmehere,isn’tit?”

“Indeeditis.Youwannasplitoneandthengetsomelobstercheesediptoo?”

“Sure,youmindorderingforus.Igottatakeapiss.”

ShesmilesatmeandIkissherbeforewalkingoff.Wishingshe’dfollowme.Herlipsdriveme

wild,mycockawakeninganytimeIfeelthem,andIbattlewithitasIleaveher.

Finishingupinthebathroom,IgetatextfromCameron,Don’tcomebacktothetable.Guyand

Maceyarehere.

Areyouserious?Justfuckingtellthem.

Iwaitforhertorespond,butshedoesn’tsoItextheragain,WhatthefuckshouldIdo?

Walkingbackout,Idecidetotakeaseatatthebarandwatchthemallvisiting.Icansensethat

Cameronisn’tintoit.She’sstressedandIwanttomakeitbetter.

ThewaitresscomesoutofthebackwithatrayoffoodandIstopher,“Wouldyoumindnot

tellingthoseotherpeopleatthetablethatIcameherewithher?”

Shenods,alittleconfusedbutwalksoff.Roundingthebackofthebar,soIcanwalklikeIam

leaving,Ipretendtobeonmyphoneandstrollonbytheirtable,sureenoughGuyspotsme.“Nixon?”

hehollersoutandIstop,lookingathimandthenCameron.

“Igottacallyouback,”Isayintomyphonethenslipitintomypocket.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Guyasksme,“Iassumedyouweresicksinceyoumissedwork

today.

“Itweakedmybacksurfing,bro,IleftMackamessage.Didn’thetellyou?”

“No,hesaidhehadn’theardfromyou.”

“Don’tknow;Icalledhim.”

“Doyouwannahaveaseat?”Maceyasks,thankfullychangingthesubject.

“Oh,Idon’twanttointerruptyourmeal.”

“You’renot.WebombardedCam,”Guysays

“Yousure?”IaskagainandCampullsthechairoutnexttoher.

“Heythanks,”Irespondandtakeaseatinit.

“Isyourbackfeelingbetter?”Guyasksme.

“Yeah,Iwentinandgotashotofcortisoneinit.It’sanoldinjuryfromtheNavythateasily

flaresupfromtimetotime.”

Cameronisawkwardlyquiet,andunderthetable,Itakemyhandandgrabherthighashighup

asIcan.Shelooksatmewithwideeyes,andIplayitcool,smirking.

“Sohowwaswork?Didyouguysgetalotofcalls?”

Theybothshaketheirheadsatmeandthenthewaitresssetsourlobsterdipdown.Grabbinga

chip,Idigin;I’msohungry.Cameronsays,“Sure,helpyourself,”remindingmethatI’msupposed

topretendIdidn’torderthefood.

“Oh,isthisnotforthetable?”Iaskherwithachuckleandamouthfuloffood.

Shedoesn’trespondandGuyasksus,“Issomethinggoingonbetweenyoutwo?”

“Noway.Whywouldyouthinkthat?”she’squicktoanswerhim.

“Noreason,”hesaysandrightthen…we’refucked.Ifwecan’tevensitacrossfromhimata

tablehowarewegoingtomakeitthrougheighthoursofworkeachday?Ithinkthebestthingtodo

istotellthem.EvenifLukeispissed—orwhatever—he’llgetoverit.Imean,honestyisthebest

policy…right?

Chapter17

Cameron

“Hefuckingknows,”ItellNixongettingoutoftheshower.

“So,whatifheknows,Cam?”

“IfLukefindsoutwearefuckingandIdidn’ttellhim,he’sgonnabesohurt.”

“Thentellhim,”Nixonsayscalmly,andIhavenocluehowheisnotstressed.“He’sgonnafind

outsoonerorlater.Isaywetellhimnow.Savethepoorguyfromdroolingoveryoueverychancehe

gets.Imean,itreallyisnauseating.”

“Hedoesn’tdrooloverme.”

“Youcanleavethoseoff,”hesayslookingdownatmyunderwearandIrollmyeyes.

“Wouldyoubeseriousforonce?”Iaskhim.

“What?”hequestionsmeandIwalkawaygoingintomybathroom.“Comeon,Cam,don’tget

allsensitivenow.”HecomesintothebathroomandhugsmearoundmywaistasIcleanmyface.

“LukeandGuyaremybestfriends,evenifLukeandIhaveapast.Idon’twanttodoanythingto

putariftinbetweenusatwork,orhurtLuke,okay?”

Henodsandkissesthetopofmyshoulder.Turninginhishold,Igraspontohimbyhisneck.

Hishardcockrestsagainstmysex,andhesaystome,“See,Itoldyou—youshould’veleftyour

underwearoff.”

Reachingdown,Iremovethem,butI’mdistractedbyhisdick,stiffandthrobbingasitwants

me,drippingpre-cumofftheend.Idroptomykneesandgrabaholdofhim,knowingheiswatching

myeverymove.

Strokinghimafewtimes,Ilickthetipandthenwrapmylipsaroundtheheadofhisshaftand

suckupanddownonhim.He’ssosoftandhard,allatonce.Hetakeshisfingersandknotstheminto

thebackofmyhair,pullingmeclosertohimasheurgeshimselffartherintomymouth.

“Yes,baby,takeallofme,”hesaysandIdomybest,butashepicksupspeed,he’stoomuchto

handleandIgag.Hepullsback,liftingmeup,andcarriesmeaway.Hishandsarewoundtightly

aroundmythighsaswestop,andherestsmybackononeoftheemptywallsofthebathroom.

Reachingbetweenus,hegripshimselfandcrashesintome.“Jesus,Nixon,”Icallout,lovingtheway

hisnamerollsoffmytongue.Heslamsmeagainandagain,hittingtherightspot.

Igaspforair,soturnedon,Icanbarelybreatheaswefuck.Heknotshisfingersintothebackof

myhairandkeepsfuckingme,gruntingeverytimeIcallouthisname.

Mypussyistightashehasmestuffedfull,andIgiveovertothesensation,tothepleasure,to

whatNixonisdoingtome.Notwantingthistoend,butnotabletoresisttheorgasm.Hepushesme

outofthisworldandIhappilyoblige.Myfingernailsdighardintohisback.“That’sit,baby,come

hard!”heshoutsandIloseallsenseofawareness.He’sgotmecompletelyunderhisspell,andI

wouldn’thaveitanyotherway.Hecarriesmefromthebathroomwalltomybedandunleashes

anotherroundofhisskillfulcock-workonmyachingcunt.

***

“Weshouldprobablydriveinseparately,”ItellNixonasIpackourlunches.

“Sure,babe,”hecallsoutfromthebedroom.Iknowhedoesn’tliketheideaofkeepingusfrom

theguys,butitwon’tbeforlong.I’mgoingtotellLuke,soon.I’dtellGuynow,butIknowhe

wouldn’tkeepitfromLuke,andLukeneedstohearitfromme,tounderstandmyreasoning.

Mylaptopringsandmyheartjumpsintomythroat,IfeellikeIhaven’ttalkedtoConnerin

forever.Leavingeverythinginthekitchenasis,IruntoitandanswerhisSkypecall,sohappywhenI

seehisfaceonthescreen,butalsoalarmedwhenIseehowfilthyheis.

“Hey,sis,”hesaysthroughtiredeyes.

“Youokay?”IimmediatelyaskhimandthenNixon’sbesideme,pullinghisshirtonoverhis

head.

“What’sup,brother?”Nixonaskshimandhesmiles,lookingatourfaces.

“Yougood,Con?”Iaskhimagainandhesays,“Yeah,itwasalongday.Wehadonehellofa

raid.I’mhappytoseeyouguystogetherthough.Ineededto.”

NixonkissesmycheekandIlookupathimsmiling,thenConnerasksus,“Soyou’reback

together?”

“We’retakingthingsonedayatatime,”ItellhimemphasizingthekeywordstowhatNixon

andIare.

“He’sbeinggoodtoyou?”ConnerasksmeandIhonestlyrespond,“Yeah…reallygood.”

“I’mrighthere,”Nixonsays,andbothConnerandIlaugh.“Waseveryonesafeintheraid?”

Nixonasks,clearlyworried.

“Yeah,McHalewashitbysomeshrapnel,butwedidn’tloseanyone.”

“That’sgoodnews,man.Whendidyouswitchtolandmissions?”Nixonaskshim.

“Afteryouleft,theymovedabunchofusaround.Reynoldsgotmovedoverwithmetoo.”

“Damn,”Nixonsays,“IwishwewerealltogetherwhenIwasthere.”

Connershakeshishead,“Thenwhowouldtakecareofourgirlifanythinghappened?”

“Don’tsayshitlikethat,Conner,”Ibarkathim“Nothingisgoingtohappentoyou.Youhear

me?”

“Geez,sis,I’mplaying.”

Nixontapsmyshoulderthenpointstohiswatch.Shit,wearerunninglateforwork,whichis

notagoodthingconsideringwewanttokeepthingsaboutushush-hush.

“Hey,Con,”Itellhim,hatingtoeverbetheonetoendthecall.“We’vegottagettowork.”

“Okay,besafe,youtwo.Iheardthere’safewstormsbrewingintheAtlantic.”

“We’reintheclearfornow,”Itellhimandthethreeofussay,“Bye”atthesametime.Conner

knowshowmuchIhateendingourcalls,sohemakesiteasyonme.ThescreengoesblackandI

throwmyandNixon’slunchesintotwoseparatebags.

“Youready,beautiful?”heasksmeasIscramblearoundmyapartment.

“AsreadyasI’mgoingtobe.”

Chapter18

Nixon

It’sbeenaslowday,nocallssofar,sowe’vebeenoutsearchingforsixhoursforthemissing

fishermen,andunfortunately,therearenosignsofthem.Themoodinthehelicopterisdrearyand

I’mnotsureifit’sbecauseofourmissionor‘causeGuyandLukecansensethatwearekeeping

somethingfromthem.

“Sowhatdidyoudolastnight?”IaskLuke,tryingtobefriendlyandkeepshitkosher.

“Notmuch,man,wenttothegymandthenchilled.You?”

“Sawthedoctor,thenmetafriendforafewdrinksandsurfedalittle.”

“Really?Guysaidyouhaddinnerwithhim,Macey,andCam.”

“Yeah,thattoo.Butitwaslaterinthenight.”

Hedoesn’trespondandIglanceatCameron,thengobacktolookingoutthewindow.“Yousurf

alot?”heasksme.

“Allthetime.”

“Youshouldteachmetosurf.ItriedwhenIwasyounger,butIneverstuckwithit.”

“Yeah,bro,wheneveryouwant.”

“Howabouttonight?”heasksme.

IlookatCameronwithwideeyesandsheshrugshershouldersatme.

“Yousurf,don’tya,Cam?”heasksher.

“Uh-huh,”shesays.

“Comewithus.”

“Yeah,sure,”shetellshim,aggravatingme.Ireallydon’twanttobearoundhimhavingtohide

thatwearebacktogetherandthatI’mawareheandCamhookedup.

“DidSethgetaholdofyou,Cam?”Lukeasks.

“No,why?”

“He’scomingbackintotown.Thecondosoldsohe’sgottasignallthepaperworkattheclosing

andshit.”

“I’msurprisedyouhaven’theardfromhim,”Guysays.

“Why?”

“Isn’thestayingwithyouwhenhecomesback?”Whatthefuck,whywouldhestaywithher?

“Idon’tthinkso,”shesays.

“Doesn’thehavefamilyhecanstaywithhere?”IblurtoutandCameronmouthstome,

“Don’t.”

“Nah,hisfamilyisinCali,whereheandhisgirlmoved.Wewereallhehadhere,”Guysays,

thensuddenlyCameroninterruptsus,“Ispotsomethingateleveno’clock.”Unbucklingmysafety

belt,Islideovertoherwindowandlookoutside.Sureenoughthereissomeoneinthewaterwaving

theirarmsbackandforth.Theirheadlookslikeafloatingsoccerball,outthereinthemiddleofthe

ocean,andIdon’tknowhowshespottedhim.

Lukecallsitinovertheradio,andGuycircleshimbeforemakingadescent,gettingusclose

enoughtogodownintotheopenwatersandrescuehim.

CameronunbucklesandIwhispertoher,“Letmegodown,”hatingtoseeherriskherlife.

“No,”she’sadamant,andI’mprettysurethereisnotalkingheroutofit.

Grabbingtherope,Iattachittothebasketassheadjustshersnorkelandmask.Theguyis

floatinginthewater,andshe’sgotnothingtolandon,soshehastojumpin.Openingthedoor,Guy

giveshertheall-clear.Theseasaremoderatetoday,andIwanttokisshersobadbeforeshejumps,

butIcan’t.Shewinksatmeandthengoes.AsIwatchherlandandswimtotheman,Iwonderhowin

theworldhesurvivedintheseopenwatersfloatingallthewayfromMiamiuphere.I’msurehe’s

gottabeoneofthemissingfishermen,aswehaven’treceivedwordofanyothermissingpersonsin

ourarea.Slowly,IlowerthebasketdowntotheguythatCameronhasmadeitto,gettingclose

enoughforhertograbaholdof.Onceshedoes,shegetshiminthebasketandthensignalsthatshe’s

clear.IwaitforGuytogivemethegoaheadfromupfrontbeforebringinghimin.

“You’recleartoproceed,Nixon.”

Thesecondhesaystheword“clear,”Ihitthebuttonbringinghimup.Oncehe’sinthe

helicopter,Ilowerthebasketbackdowntogetheroutoftheoceanasquicklyaspossible,myjaw

clenchedwiththeworryIcan’tcompletelypushaway.ItseemstotakeforeveruntilIhaveherback,

butonceIdo,Ikissherneck,notabletocontrolmyself.

“What’syourname?”Lukeaskstheman.

“Jack,”hesays.

“HeyJack,”Irespondandbegintoworkonhim.“Jack,isyourlastnameBrightly?”Lukeasks

himandhesays,“Yes,”throughashakytone.

“That’saffirmative,wehaveoneJackBrightly,onboardUSCG6035andareenroutetoJupiter

MedicalCenter.”

“Ten-four.USCG6035,what’syourETA?”thedispatcherasks.

“Tminussevenminutes,”Guyssays,andCameronandIgetJackonabodyboard,thentakehis

vitalsandbeginanIV.He’sclearlydehydrated,youcantellfromlookinginhiseyes.

“Youfeelingokay?”Cameronaskshim.

He’sshaking,hisbodyisinshockfromgoingthroughwhathehasendured,yethehasthe

wherewithaltotellher,“Thankyouforsavingmylife.”

“Ofcourse.It’swhatwedo.Everythingisgoingtobeokaynow.”

Cameronlooksupatme,herfaceflushedandshe’sstillbreathinghard.“Goodjob,”Itellher

andwink.ShegivesmeawinkbackandIremindmyselfthatI’llgettohavehertonightafterwork.

Well…IwillafterIfinishdealingwithLukeandhisfuckingsurflessons.

***

“Youwantmetotextyoumyaddress?”IaskLukeaswewalkoutofwork.

“Yeah,I’llrunhomeandchange,thenheadthatway.”

“Cool,seeyainabit.”

Cameronwalksofffromusandsays,“Night,guys.”

“You’recoming,Cam,right?”Lukeasksher.

“Yeah,youwannatextmeyouraddresstoo?”sheasksme.

“Sure.”

Ihopinmytruckanddialherphonenumber.Shelooksoveratmethroughhertintedwindows

andanswers,“Hey,bigcock.”

“Youhavetwooptions,”Itellher.

“DoInow?”

“Yes,youcaneitherbeatLuketomyhousesoIcanfuckyou,oryoucantalkdirtytomeright

nowandI’lljerkoffinmytruck.”

ShegigglesandItellher,“I’mdeadserious,baby.”

“Oh,I’msureyouare.ButIwantyourcockinsideme,soyoubettergethome.”

Peelingoutofthelot,Iputthepedaldown.“Youstillwanttotalkdirtytomewhilewedrive?”

“Whatdoyoumean?Likeyouwantmetotellyouhowfuckingharditwastositnexttoyouall

day,whileIwatchedyourdickstrainingyourpants,orhowI’dclenchmypussyeverytimeyou

brushedupagainstme?”

“Keepgoing,”Itellher,mycockstiffeningfromherwords,lovinghowshe’shavingthesame

strugglesthatIam.

“Didyoujustpassme?”sheasksme,andIlookinmyrearviewmirrortoseehertinyblack

sportscarflyuponme.

“Guess,Idid.Ididn’twanttomissmyopportunitytofuckyou.”

“Cometomyplacethen.IfLukeshowsupatyourhouseandyou’renotthere,tellhimyouhad

tobuysomesexwaxfortheboardsorsomething.”ShelaughsoutloudandItellher,“Oh,I’llshow

yousexwax.”WeracetoherhouseandsomehowIgetcaughtatalight.AsIpullup,sheisalready

parkedandIrunin.ThesecondthatIopenthedoor,Ifindhernakedinherbedroom.Turningthe

lock,sheasksme,“Whichone?”andholdsuptwoswimmingsuits.

“Neither.”

“Imeanfortonight.”

“Don’tyouhaveawetsuitorsomething?”Iaskherandimmediatelyfingerherpussy.She

bracesherweightbackonherdresser,herbottomliptuckedbeneathherteeth.“Jesus,Nixon.”

“YoulikewhenIfingeryou?”Iaskherandrolloneofhernipplesinbetweenmyteeth.

“Uhhuh.”Shereachesdownandbeginstorubmycock.“Fuckme.Wedon’thavemuchtime.”

“Wehaveallthetimeintheworld,baby,thatfuckerisn’tgoingtorushmytimewithyou.”

SheunzipsmypantswhichfalltomyanklesandIripmyshirtabovemyhead.“Fuckme!”she

ordersmeagainandIbarrelintoher,withnowarningasIslamherhard.

Shelosesherbreathandlooksatmewide-eyed.“Isthiswhatyouwanted?”Islamheroverand

over.Eachtime,sheyelps,herheadhangingback,andIgetlostinherscent,kissingandsuckingon

herneck.

Mymouthismatchedwithmythrusts,andthenthereisaknockonherdoorthatstopsmedead

inmytracks.“Cam?”Lukecallsout.

Whatthefuck?

“Uhhhh,onesecond.”

MyeyebrowscreaseasIgazedownather,pissedoffforresponding.“Letmecome,”Itellher,

andshewhispers,“No,hecan’tknowyou’rehere.”

Takingonehand,IplaceitoverhermouthandwithmyotherIliftheroffthefloorandcarry

hertoherbed,whereIfuckherhard.Myhandstillcoveringhermouthtomufflehernoises.She

quietlymoansclenchingmydick,givingmeasolidfuckingcome,myentirebodytensingasIfillher

withmywhite,beforeIpulloutofher.Throwingherclothesather,shestrugglestogetdressed.She

laughsatmeandasksme,“Whatarewegoingtodo?”

HeknocksagainandItellher,“I’llstandbehindthedoor,andwhenhecomesin,hughimand

I’llslipout.

Goingtothedoor,sheopensitasIstaytuckedbehindit,“Sorry,Iwasvideochattingwith

Connerandtheconnectionwassospotty.”

“That’sokay,isNixonhere?”heasks.

“No!”sheshrieksandpullshimintoahug.“Whywouldyouaskthat?”IhearhersaytohimasI

slipout,wantingtopullthemapartfirst…butIdon’t.

“Ithoughthistruckwasoutside,”hetellsherandthenIhearthedoorclose.

Thatmotherfucker.

Whatwashethinkingcomingtoherhouse?Ishould’veleftthedoorunlockedsohecould’ve

caughtmebangingher.Maybethenhe’dgetthepointthroughhispunyfuckingbrain;shewantsa

man,notaboy.

Chapter19

Cameron

“Itmustbesomeonewithatrucklikehis.Whatareyoudoinghere,anyway?”IaskLuke,asIhopehe

can’ttellwhatNixonandIwerejustdoing,especiallywithhissuddensuspicion.

“IwantedtoseeifyouwantedtodrivetogethertoNixon’s?”

“Yeah,sure,”Itellhimandconsidertalkingtohimonthedrive…butitwouldmakeforan

awkwardevening.“Letmegrabmysuit.”

“Cool,”herespondsandIheadintomybedroom,usingtherestroomasNixonleftmea

fuckingmessdownthere.Grabbingabag,Ipackitwithatonofshit,figuringI’llbestayingathis

housetonight:clothesfortomorrow,afewswimmingsuits,makeup,PJ’s—notthatheeverletsme

wearthem.

Goingbackoutintothelivingroom,LukehasNixon’shatinhishandandsays,“Isthis

Nixon’s?”

“No,it’smybrothers,heaskedmetosendhimaboxwithsomestuff,”andIshowhimthebeef

jerkyandsunglassesthatIboughtforhimwhichareinaboxonmydiningroomtable.Tossing

Nixon’shatontop,puttingitinwitheverythingelse,Iaskhim,“Youready?”

“Yeah.”

“Youcoolifwetakeyourtruck,soIdon’thavetostopandgetgas?”Itellhim,hopingIcan

weaselmywayoutofleavingwithhimtonight.

“Ofcourse.”

NixontextsmeasIgetintoLuke’svehicle.Everythingcool?

Yeah,onourwaynow.

“ThatNixon?”Lukeasksme,clearlyparanoid.

“No,why?”

“Justwondering.”

“Idon’ttalktoNixonoutsideofwork.”

Helooksoutthewindshield,likehedoesn’tbelievemeanddoesn’trespond.Icansensethat

he’sholdingsomethingback,maybethat’swhyhereallycametomyhouse.

“Sowenevergottofinishourconversationfromtheothernight.”

Fuck!

IknowrightwhereheisheadedwiththisandIgrabmyphone,textingNixonagainquickly,

CallLukeanddistracthim‘tilwegetthere,please.

Notasecondlater,Luke’sphoneringsandhepullsitoutofhispocket.“It’sNixon,”hetellsme.

“Youbetteranswerit,hemightbecancellingwithhowflakyheis.”

IcanhearNixonbeingallfriendlyinthebackgroundandLukeislaughingandplayingright

intohim.I’mthankfulforNixon,asI’mnotreadytotalktoLukerightnow.

AswepulluptoNixon’s,IgrabmybagandLukefollowsme.Nixonopensthedoor,theguys

endingtheirphonecall,andheiswearingapairofboardshortsandnothingelse.Iswallow,acting

likeI’mnotfazed.“Comein,”hesays,andIaskhim,“CanIuseyourrestroomtochange?”

“Sure,letmeshowyouwhereit’sat.Luke,youwannabeer,man?”

“Yeah,”LukesaysstaringoutatthewaterashewandersoutonNixon’sdeck.

NixonandIwalkoffandthesecondthatthedoorisclosed,heasksme,“Whatthefuckisgoing

on?”

“Idon’tknow.Hekeepsaskingmeaboutyou.Thenbroughtupthebarthatothernightandus

notfinishingourconversation.It’slikeheknowssomething’supandismullingitoverinhishead,

tryingtocatchus.Maybethat’swhyhewantedthethreeofustohangouttonight.”

“Orhewantstoseeustogetheroutsideofwork.IbetGuytoldhimsomething’supafterour

dinnerwithhimandMacey.”

“Youthink?”Iaskhim,concerned.

“Yeah,maybe.Butdon’tworry,Luke’sthekindofguywhodoesn’twanttosteponanyone’s

toes.SoifIneedtoI’mgonnalethimknowwhat’sup.”

“Nixon,don’ttellhimlikethis.It’llhurthim;letmedoit.I’lllethimdrivemehomeandtell

himontheway.”

“Okay,Iwon’ttellhim,babe.”Heleansdownandkissesme,thenItakemysuitofoutmybag

andhescoffsatit.“Forreal,Cameron?”

“What?It’sthebestIhad.”

“Where’syourwetsuit?”hescoldsme.

“Atwork.”

Thenheswatsmyass,andIchangeintoasexyredone-pieceandwalkoutbackfindingthe

guystalkingaboutthewavesandlookingatthebottomofoneofNixon’sboards.

Luke’sjawhitsthefloorwhenheseesmeandNixonpatshisback.“Whydon’twewatchCam

forabit,soyoucanseewhatshelooksforandhowshepopsup,okay?”

“Sure,”LukerespondsandIhavenocluewhyNixonwouldwanttohavehimstaringatme.“I

waxedthisoneforyou.”Hehandsmemyboardandweactlikeit’shis.“Thanks.”

“Ofcourse.Checkoutthegroundswellfromthestorm.”

InodandglancebackatthetwoguysandreallyhopeNixondoesn’tenduphurtinghim.Don’t

getmewrong,LukeisadorableandatonepointIthoughttherewasasparkthere.ButwhenNixon

camebackitmademequestioneverythingandrealizethathe’sonlymyfriend,nothingmore.Ineed

someonelikeNixonwho’sgonnatellmehowthingsareandhavemybackandtreatmethewayonly

hecan.Liketonight,whenhecalledLuketodistracthimforme,hedidn’tquestionmeandwasn’t

jealousoranything.Hewaslookingoutformeandus.ThewaymyoldNixondid,andthat’showI

know…I’mfallingforhimalloveragain.

Chapter20

Nixon

“Sodidyousurfalotgrowingup?”IaskLuke.

“Nah,notmuch,ItrieditafewsummerswhenIwasyoung.Myunclewasbigintoitandwould

alwaysteachmewhenhevisited,butthenwhenheleft,Ididn’thaveanyonetoshowmewhatIneeded

todotogetbetter,sothatkindofendedit.Whataboutyou?”

“Oh,man,wegrewupinthewater.Everyday,fromsunup‘tilsundown.”

“Who’swe?”heasks.

“Oh,Me,Cam,andherbrother,Conner.”

“Soyouthreewereclose?”

“Yeah,reallyclose,”ItellhimasIwatchhersexyasspaddlingout.Thinkingofallthetimewe

spenttogethermakesmethinkabouthowbadIfuckinghurtherwhenIleft.

“Why’dyouleaveherthen?”

“Itwasthebiggestmistakeofmylife,”Itellhim,hopingthatifheknowsIregretit,he’llback

down.

“Youstilllikeher?”

“Howcouldyounot?Lookather.”Camturnsandbeginstopaddleforward,andasmuchasI

wanttotellhimeverythingaboutus,Idon’t.I’llletCamdoit.Instead,Ichangethesubject,hoping

he’scapableenoughtocatchmydrift.

“Seethewayshereadsthewave,thendigsdownintoitwithherarmsandrightwhenitcaps,she

catchesitoutofthecornerofhereyeandpopsup,lettingitpullherboardwhereitwantsasshe

balancesontopofit?”

“Yeah,man.She’sfuckin’good.”

“She’sthebest.She’sgotsicksurfin’skills,alwayshas,”Itellhim,mymindgoingbacktous

fuckingoutontheoceantheotherday.ShecouldwinaGuinnessWorldRecordforbalancingthebest

onasurfboard.

“Forsure,man.Butyouwouldnevertryandpursuethingswithheragain,wouldyou?”

Ilookhimintheeye,stunnedbyhisquestion.He’sgotsomefuckingballs.Isheseriously

askingmeforpermissiontobewithher?

***

“Whatdidyousaytohim?”CameronasksmeasLukedrivesoff.

“Itoldhimwhat’sup.”

“Comeon,Nixon,tellmeexactlywhatyousaid.Hewouldn’teventalktome.”

“Thenthat’shisproblem.”

Grabbingustwofreshbeersfromthefridge,Iwalkoutback.Icanstillhearthatlittleprick’s

voiceinmyhead,“Youwouldnevertryandpursuethingswithheragain,wouldyou?”

“Here,”Itellherandpassherabeer,pullingherintoanembrace.ShetakesitfrommeasIkiss

herlips.

“Youwannasit?”

“Sure,”shesaysandwesittogetherinoneoftheloungechairs,withherrestingcomfortably

betweenmylegs.Ihavetobehonestandtellherwhathappened.

“Justtellmeonethingfirst,doesheknowaboutus?”

“Oh,baby,it’swayworsethanthat.”

“Whatdoesthatmean?”Shesitsforwardandlooksbackatme,confusionplasteredacrossher

face.Yankingherbodybackwards,Iholdhertightlyagainstmychestandshereluctantlysettles.

“He’s…he’sinfuckinglovewithyou,Cam.”Itkillsmetosaythewords,tothinkthatanother

manlovesher,butIhavetobehonest.

“Whatthefuck?”sheblurtsout,herheartracinginsideherbody,thebloodpulsatingthoughher

limbsagainstmyskin.“No,Nixon,youmust’veheardhimwrong.Whatdidhesaytoyou?”

Ishakemyhead,notwantingtogetintoitagain,butcontinueon,forher.“Hequestionedme,

likehewasaskingforpermissiontobewithyou.Ithinkhethoughtifhehearditfromme,thatIwas

overyou,hecouldconvinceyoutobewithhim.AndItoldhimwhat’sup,thatwe’rebacktogether.”

“No,youdidn’t.Whywouldyoudothat?”

“Ihadto.Iwasn’tabouttolethimthinkhehadashotwithyou.Hetoldmeplainandsimplethat

helovesyouandrealizeditwhenyoutwoslepttogether,whichhealsotoldmeabout.Fucking

disturbingtotalktoamanwho’sinlovewithyourgirl.”

“Areyoufuckingaroundwithme,Nixon?‘Causeifyouare,thisisnotfunny.”

“No,baby,IwishIwere.Theguywasalmostintears.”

“Fuck,”shesaysandItellher,“I’msorryItoldhim,Iknowyouwantedto.Butitallgotme

thinking,andIunderstandifyouwanttobewithsomeonelikehim.”

“JesusfuckingChrist,Nixon,haveyoulostyourgoddamnmind?”shescoldsmeandIkissthe

topofherhair,notreallyknowingwhattosay.

“Whenitcomestoyou,Ilostmymindalongtimeago,babe.”

“Doyouhearyourself?Whatyou’resuggestingissimply…wrong.Idon’twanttobewith

anyoneelsebutyou,fuckupsandall.”

“Areyousure?Ifyouwannatakethingsslowandmaybedateotherpeople,I’dunderstand.”

“Shutthefuckup!Don’tyougetit?”sheasksme,turningaroundandlookingmeintheeye.

“Evenifyouweretoleavemeagaintomorrowandbreakmyheartalloveragain,thiswouldallbe

worththepain.Youareitforme.”

Shelooksatmethroughasmile,butaglazeofagonyisinhereyesandit’snotaboutus,it’s

stillaboutLuke.Takingherchininbetweenmythumbandforefinger,Ibringmylipsdowntohers,

theconnectionthatwesharesostrong.

“Ihavetotalktohim,Ineedhimtounderstandwhy.ButwhatamIsupposedtosaytohim?”she

asksme.

“You’vegottabehonestanddoitsoon.”

ShenodsandIhopeshecanlethimknowherselfthatshe’snotinterestedinhimandthatwe

reallyarebacktogether.IfeltlikeasIwastellinghim,hedidn’tbelieveme.

Chapter21

Cameron

“YougonnatalktoLukebeforewegoout?”Nixonasksme.

“Yeah,especiallywithSethhere,Idon’twantthingstobeüberfuckingawkward.”

ItriedtotalktoLukethismorning,buthewassuperlate,whichIknowhedidonpurposeand

hewouldn’treturnanyofmycallsortextslastnight.

“DidyoueverthinkI’dbetheoneyouwouldn’thavetoworryabout?”Nixonasksme,andIso

wanttokisshim.

“Never,andIreallyappreciateit.”

Sethshowedupatourstationthisafternoonandputatotalwrenchintomyplanoftalkingto

Lukeatlunch.AsIgazeacrossthefacility,Seth’sbeingallsociablewitheveryone.IcatchLuke

staringatme.“Wecouldalwaysbailontonight,”ItellNixon,butdeepdown,knowingnowisthe

timetogetitoverwith.

“Yeah,right,nowputyourbiggirlpantsonandgrabLuke…well,don’tphysicallygrabhim.”

Ican’tkeepmyselffromslappinghisshoulderandheflinches,likeIhavesomestrengththat

hurtshimorsomething.

“Wishmeluck.NowgetyourassoverthereandmakefriendlywithSeth.Andpleasekeep

thingschilltonight,okay?”

“Okay,butyou’redrivingwithme.I’mgonnamakeyousuckmeoffontheway.”

HewalksoffandIpackeverythingupintomybagasIheadtowardstheguys.Lukespotsmeon

thewayandIcanseetheawkwardnessalready.“Hey,canItalktoyou?”Iaskhim.

“Yeah,sure,”hesaysandputshishandsinhispocketsandwalkswithmeaswegoovertothe

othersideoftheshop.Walkingaway,wecanstillseethegroup,andIpayparticularattentionto

Nixon.He’ssohotandconfident,he’slaughingwithSethanddoesn’tgiveLukeormeasecondlook.

Butthat’sthethingaboutNixon—he’snotfazedbyotherguys.HetruststhatI’llgetthisdone,ashe

should.

Forcingmyselftolookaway,ItellLuke,“Firstoff,Inevermeanttohurtyou.”

“I’msureyoudidn’t.”He’sstilldistantandclearlyhurt.

“Pleasedon’tmakethisawkward,”Itellhim.

“No,Cam,you’vedonethatallonyourown.”Hefinallylooksatme.Icanseethepaininhis

eyes.

“Ididn’tmeanto.”

“Whywouldyougetbackwithhimaftereverythinghedidtoyou?”

“Luke,haveyoueverbeenwithsomeonewhowhenyou’retogethermakesyoufeelalive?”

“Justyou.”

“Comeon,wehookeduponceintheheatofthemoment.Imeantapastgirlfriend.”Heshakes

hisheadandIdon’tknowwhattosaytohim.“Well,Nixonisthatguyforme.”

“Mayberightnowheis,buthe’snotinitforthelonghaul.

“Luke,you’reentitledtoyouropinion,butIdon’tneedtojustifytoyouwhyI’mwithhim.”

“Maybeyoudon’t.ButIcareforyouandonlywantwhat’sbestforyou.”

“AndIappreciatethat,Ireallydo,butyoucan’tcareforme,morethanafriend.”

“Whynot?There’ssomethinggoingonbetweenus.Iknowyoufeelittoo,andI’mtiredof

sittingbackandwaitingforyoutomakethenextmove.”

“Luke,ussleepingtogetherwasahugemistake.Weweredrunkandmadeabetthatledfrom

onethingtothenext.You’remyfriendandsomeoneIcarealotabout,nothingmore.”Heshakeshis

headandlooksupattheraftersonthebuilding.“It’sokay,Cam.Youdon’tneedtolieanymore.”

“I’mnot,Luke,you’re…you’relikeabrothertome.”

“Wouldyousleepwithyourbrother?”heasksme.

“Itwasamistake,andI’msorrythatyouthoughtIwantedmore.”

Hiseyebrowscontortasheprocessesmywords.“Youcandenyitallyouwant,butI’vefeltit

forawhilenow,andIknowyoudotoo.Ican’thelpbutthinkifhewasn’tbackthatyou’dgiveinto

me.”

“Luke,I’mnotdenyinganything,I’mbeingonehundredpercenthonest.You’reasweetguy.

Youreallyare,butI’mmeanttobewithNixon.”

“That’samistake.He’sgoingtoflakeoutandbreakyourheartagain.He’llhurtyoulikehedid

before,thenwhat?”

“ThenIguessyoucantellme,‘Itoldyouso.’”

“That’snotgoodenoughforme,don’tyougetwhatI’msaying?I…Ihavefeelingsforyou,

realfeelings.Iloveyou,Cam.”

“Youdon’tloveme,Luke.Youlovethethoughtofustogether.Don’tletyourheadgetyou

carriedawaywithwhat’snotreal.I’msosorry,Ireallyam.”

“Whenhebreaksyourheart,Cam,don’tcomecryingtomeaboutit!”Hestormsoff,angry,and

IcatchNixonglaringathim.

“Youguysready?”Lukeyellstothegroupandtheyallheadoutonhiscue.

WalkinguptoNixon,hekissesmycheekandsays,“Didn’tgosowell?”

“No,notatall,andnowI’vegottatellGuy.”

“Hewon’tcare,youknowthat.”NixonandIwalkoutandGuyshoutsovertousfromhiscar,

“Hey,whydon’tweallrolltogether?”Weclimbintheback,SethisalreadyinsideandLukeissilent

upfront.IknowNixonwillbepissed—hehadotherplansforthedrive.

PilinginnexttoSeth,Idon’tsaymuchandfeelliketheoddmanoutastheygetlostintheir

ownconversation.

“Sohowdidyoutwooriginallymeet?”SethasksmeandIlookoveratNixonwaitingforhim

torespond.

“Wegrewuptogether.”

“YouseemtohavegottenpastthehatredthatCamoriginallyhadwhenyoucameback.”

Nixonsmilesatme,clearlythinkingthesamethingthatIam…ifheonlyknew.“WhatcanIsay,

I’mhardtoresist,”hesaysandplaceshishandonmythigh,clearlyvisibletoSeth,andIdon’tdare

putastoptoit.

Luketurnsthemusicup,butSethcatchesrighton,smilingatmewithgladnessandaffection.I

wasclosestwithhimbeforeNixoncameback,soheonlywantstoseemehappyinlife,andI’ve

neverbeenbetterthanthewaythingsarebetweenNixonandmecurrently.

***

“Heybaby,”Nixonsays,waitingformeasIexitthebathroom,tipsy.Hepushesmeintothe

corner,hislipsareonmine,andIsurrender.AsmuchasIlikehangingoutwiththeguys,well,

everyoneminusLuketonight,I’vemissedmyandNixon’salonetime.

“God,Iwantyou,”hesaysthroughakiss,hisforeheadrestingagainstmine,andIclosemy

eyesbreathinghimin.

“Let’sgo,”Itellhimandheshakeshishead.

“Wecan’t,you’vegottatellGuyfirst.”

“I’vetriedandeverytimeItalk,Lukecutsmeoffordragshimaway,likeit’sagameandwe

arebothvyingforhisaffection.Ishouldn’tbepunishedlikethisbecauseLukehasacrushonme.”I

pushpastNixonandhepullsmeback,laughingatmyantics.“Staycalm.You’redrunk,andsoishe.

FinishyourgameofpoolandgetGuyaside,thenwe’llgetoutofhere.”

Slowly,Inodandhetakesmyfaceintohishand.“Ican’twaittofuckyou,Cam.”

“JesusChrist!”Guysays,roundingthecorner,andNixonletsgoofme.

Whelp,nowheknows.

“Areyoutwofucking?”Myfaceturnsbeetred.“Forreal!”heblurts,“DoesLukeknowabout

thisshit?”

Nixonisquiet,lettingmehandlethis,andIsaytoGuy“Yeah,heknows.”

“Andhe’scoolwithit?”

“Notexactly.”

“Youknowhe’sinlovewithyou,right?”

“OhmyGod,hetoldyoutoo?”IshoutandNixonholdsmebackinthecornerasIwanttogo

andyellatLukeforprofessinghisloveofmetoeveryone.

“Don’t.Wait‘tilyou’rebothsober.”

“Howlonghasthisthingbeengoingon?”Guyquestionsus.

“Idon’tknow.”Mywordsareslurredandtheroomisstartingtospin.IleanonNixon,just

wantingtogohomeandhesaystohim,“Notlong,we’vebeentryingtotellyouallnight,butLuke’s

beenkeepingyouaway.”MyeyesareheavyandNixonsays.“IthinkIshouldgetherhome.”

“Forsure,man.”

Wewalkaroundhimandhesaystous,“Forwhatit’sworth,I’mreallyhappyforyouboth.”

Igobackandgivehimahug,Nixonbumpshisfist,thenweslipoutthefrontandthankfully

findawaitingcab.Climbingintheback,IrestmyheadonNixon’schestasherunshisfingers

throughmyhair.Thesafetyofhisarmsaroundmeputsmerighttosleep.

Chapter22

Nixon

AsIwatchCameronsleepingsopeacefully,hernakedbodyiswoundaroundthesheetsofmybed.

Theafternoonsunshroudshereverycontour,andIsimplyliehereandadmireher.Hopefulthatwhen

shewakesup,she’llfeelgood.

Whenwegothomelastnight,shewasfuckedup.IttookeverythingIhadtoconvincehertonot

throwup.IgothertosiponsomewaterandtakesomeTylenol,soIhopeherhangoverisn’ttoobad.

HerphonevibratesagainonthenightstandandIhopewhenshewakesup,she’snotstressed

abouteverything,nowthatit’salloutintheopen.

Iwanthertonotbeworryingabouteverythinglikeshewas.She’sdonethatenoughinlife,

especiallyaftereverythingIputherthrough.

Gently,Itrailmyfingersdownherback,notabletoholdbackfromtouchingheranylonger.

Shemovesforthefirsttimeallmorning,andIkisshersoftlips.Slowlysheblinksafewtimes,

lookingatme,tired,andIaskher,“Howareyoufeeling?”

“BetterthanIthinkIshould.”

“Good.”

Shestretchesandasksme,“Whathappenedlastnight,dideverythinggookay?”

“Youdon’tremember?”Sheshakesherheadandreachesforthewateronhernightstand.Ipass

ittoherandsay,“Guycaughtustogether.”

“Ohfuck,beforeItoldhim?”

“Yup.”

“WhataboutLuke,didhesee?”

“What’sthatmatter?”

“True,”sheagreesandgrabsherphoneasitvibratesthentossesitonthebed.“Whoisit?”

“It’sGuy.He’sfreakingoutsayingIneedtotalktoLukeandmakeshitright.Why?WhydoI?I

triedandhegotpissed.Ididn’taskforthis.”

“Iknowyoudidn’t,baby.”Takingherphone,Ipressdownonthepowerbuttonandweboth

watchthescreenturnblack.“See?Nowyouhavenothingtoworryabout.”

ShepullsmeontopofherandIsettleinmyfavoritespot,rightalongherbody.Myshaft

throbbingforherasshekissesmeandIletherdowhatshewants.Grindingmyselfintoher,she

urgesherhipstowardsmeandIpullthesheetbacksoweareskintoskin.Notlettinganotherminute

goby,Iconnectourbodies.“God,Iloveyourpussy.”

“Thenfuckme.”Istarttomove.MyasscheekstighteningasIattempttocontrolmyself.She’s

sotight,mycockpumpsinherdeeplikeshelikes.Islowdownandshetakesherhands,pushingme

on.Lookingather,she’sfrustrated,obviouslywantingitfastandhard.Igrabbothofherarmsand

pinthemaboveherhead.ShemoansandIholdherarmswithonehandandtakeoneofhertitsout

andrightintomymouth,nippingandplayingwithherhardnipple.“Ohfuck,”shewhineswrithing

beneathmeasshestilltriestogetmetomovefaster.She’ssuchafreak.

ButIholdherstill,teasingherandonlygiveherslow,longpumps;hertightpussyhasmyteeth

grinding.“Fuckme!”sheyellsandItellher,“Ohyeah,whydon’tyoufuckme!?”

ShefightsagainstmeandIletherflipmeover,hernakedbodysosexyasshekneelsaboveme

andglidesdownonmydick.Immediately,shebobsupanddown,myfingersdiggingintoherthighs,

hertittiesbouncing,andherstomachredandsweaty.She’ssofuckinghot,ridingme,breathlessand

naked,thatIdon’tthinkIcanholdmycummuchlonger.

Pushingmyheadintothepillow,Ifightthefeeling,gettinglostinherbeauty.Shehashereyes

closed,moaning,enjoyingwhatshe’sdoingtome,andImovemyeyesdownherbodyasshefucks

me.Thenshesqueezesmyshaft,andrightthen,shetakesmyorgasm,likeit’shers,pushingmeover

theedge.MycumfillsherbeforeIcanevengrunt,andIgripherbody,unleashingmyselfintoher,

fuckingherhard.Shespiralswithme,quivering,fallingforward,hereyesshutasIgiveherthesame

pleasureshegavetome.

Stillmilkingmysloppydickinandoutofher,sheasksme,“ShouldIcallhimandtryagain,

justtogetitoverwith?”

“DoyouhavetobringLukeupwhileI’mstillhard?”

“It’sbotheringme.”

“ForgetaboutLukeandallthatbullshit.Yourphoneisalreadyoffandwedon’thaveshittodo

today.Let’senjoyit.”

“Whatshouldwedo?”

“Idon’tknow,I’mcoollyingaroundandfuckin’.”Shelooksatmewiththebiggestsmileon

herface.“Youknowwhat?Iactuallyhaveanidea,”Itellher.

“Yeah?”

“Ido,getdressed,”Itellher,“andI’llshowyou.”Ipullmycockfromhersweetpussy.

“Ihopeitinvolvesfood,”shegripesasshetrudgesintothebathroom.

***

“OhmyGod,Nixon,Ihaven’tbeenheresince…”shetrailsoffandthensays,“IfConnerfinds

outwecameherewithouthim,he’sgonnabepissed.”

“Oh,he’llbefine.Thefoodontheshipisn’tthatbad.Plus,he’llbehomeprettysoonandwe

cantakehimhereeverydayifhewants.”

Shesmilesaswesitinsideofthetinydinerthatweusedtohangoutinafterschoolallthetime.

TheyhavethebestgreasyfoodintownandIcantellthatshe’shangingandneedsthepickmeup.

“Whatchathinkingabout?”Iaskasshestaresoutthewallofwindows.

“WhatdoyouthinkConner ’sgonnaendupdoing?”

“Whatdoyoumean,babe?”

“Afterthistour,youthinkhe’llserveanotheroneandkeepriskinghislife?Imean,Icouldn’t

imaginedoingsomethingthatputmeatriskeveryday.”

Ichuckleathercomment.“Youdo.Everydayyoujumpoutofthathelicopter,youarerisking

yourlife.”

“Butit’snotthesame.I’mjumpingintotheoceanwithprotectivegearandIhaveacapablecrew

abovemethatwouldneverletanythinghappentome.”

“Connerdoesthesamething.Thesituationshegoesinto,yeah,theyaredangerous,buttheyare

morethoughtoutandplannedthanwhatyoucouldevenimagine.”

“I’mworriedabouthim.Imisshim.”

“I’msureyoudo,buthe’ssmart.He’llbeokay,Ipromise.”

Shesmilesandorderswhenthewaitresswalksup.Ihateseeingherstressabouthim.I’lldo

anythingIcantoeaseherworriesandmakehersmile.

Chapter23

Cameron

“You’renotgonnasurf?”IaskNixonasIwakeupfromzonkingoutonthebeach.Thehotsuncalms

me,warmingmefromtheinsideout.“Nah,I’mgoodrighthere,”hesaysandleansdownkissingme.

ThenIlookoutatthewavesastheycrashontotheshore.

“HowlongwasIout?”Iask.

“Notlong,maybethirtyminutes,”hesaysandpullsmeclosetohim.Layingmyheadonhislap,

Iloveitwhenheholdsme.

“Whatdoyouwanttodotonight?”Iask.

“Idon’tcare.”

“Icancookforyoursexyass?”Iaskhim.

“Onlyifyoumakemelobster.”

“Isthatreallyallyouliketoeat?”

“Thatandyou.”

Ichuckleandhecupsmycheek,stilllookingoutatthewater.“Yougood?”Iask,sensinga

strangevibe.

“Absofuckinglutely.Whyyouask?”

“You’renotsurfin’.”

“Iwasenjoyingmytimewithyou—watchingtheocean—thinking.”

“Okay,”Itellhimlovinghowsweethe’sbeen.“Doyouhaveasteamer?”

“Forclothes?”

“No,silly,forthekitchen.”

“Nah.I’vegotlikeafewpotsandpans,Ithink.”

“Well,ifI’mcookingforyou,thenit’sgonnabeatmyhouse.”

“That’scool,Iloveyourplace.”

“Youdo?”

“Yeah,Imeananywhereyouare,I’mgood.”

“Metoo.”Itellhimandthenask,“Doyouwannacooldowninthewater?”

“Sure,baby.”

Webothgetupandwalkhandinhanddowntotheedge.Thewaveshitourfeetandaswe

continueon,heliftsmeup,cradlingmybodyagainsthischest.Iwrapmyarmsaroundhisneckand

lethimcarrymeintotheocean.Inthismoment,rightnow,everythingisperfect.Gettingbackwith

himiswhatIalwaysdreamedwouldhappen.EvenwiththeguiltsuspendedovermyheadthatI’ve

hurtLuke,knowingthatNixonandIaresolidandnothingisgoingtochangethat,issettling.And

what’sbestofall,IcanseetheoldNixonshiningthrough.Dayafterday,I’mgettingglimpsesofthe

manIlost.ThemanIthoughtI’dnevergettohaveasecondchancewith,andnow,hereweare,with

nothingbutacleanslateaheadofus.

***

“Comeon,Nix,themarketclosesinfifteenminutes,”IholleroutasIbucklethestraptomy

sandal.Hecomesoutoftheclosetpullingat-shirtoverhisheadandsays,“Don’tbeanag.It’snotthe

onlyplaceintownthatsellslobsters.”

“Itisifyouwantthemfreshfromtheoceantoday.Trustme,thoseotherplacespacktheminthe

tanksandkeep‘eminthereforweeksanditmakesthemtastestrange.Now,webothknowhowmuch

ofaseafoodsnobyouare,solet’sgo.”

“Fairenough,”hesaysslidingonhisflip-flopsandgrabbinghisbagofworkclothesthathe

packedfortomorrow.

“Let’sgo,youdiva!”hehollersatmeandIgrabmyphonewithasmile,lovinghisgoofiness

andrunofftowardshim.“Andyouwereyellingatme?”hesaysasIbreezepasthimandhopinhis

truck.

Onthedrive,heasksme,“Whatareyoumakingforsides?”

“Iwasthinkingofmashedpotatoesandasparagus.”

“Pleasenoasparagus,”hesays.

“Why?Youusedtoloveit.”

“Yes,keywordsbeing,‘usedto.’Forsomereasonitwassomethingthattheyalwaysservedon

theshipandaftereatingifforsomanyyearsstraight,I’mdone.”

“Istillcan’tbelievehowlongyouweregonefor.”

Helooksoveratme,hisexpressionplaguedwithpainashesays,“I’msorryagainfor—”

Icuthimoff,“Don’tbe,”Itellhim,“Idon’twanttoliveanymorelookingback.Iwanttomove

forwardandtakethingsastheycome,likewehavebeen.Onemomentatatime.It’sworkedthisfar,

right?”

“Right,”heagreesandgrabsmyhand,wantingtotellmemore,butclearlyit’stheregretofthe

pasteatinghimupandheneedstoletitgo.

“Comeon,let’sgosnagyousomelobsters.”Hesmirksandwehopout,runninginandpicking

theperfectlobstersbeforetheplacecloses.Thenonthewaybacktomyplace,westopatagrocery

storetogeteverythingelseweneedfordinner.

Afterwecheckout,heloadseverythingintohistruckandseemsperfectlycontentasweheadto

myplaceforourfeast.Nixonparksonthestreetinfrontofmycondoandgrabseverythingbefore

weheadin.Ismirklookingbackathisarmssofull,buthe’sdeterminedlikethat.Hewouldn’tletme

takeinasinglething.

Ashesetseverythingdowninthekitchen,IbegintounpackthebagsandwhenIfindwhathe

boughtforhisside,Iliterallylaughoutloud.“Seriously,”Iyell,holdingupthedelicontainerof

imitationlobsterpastasalad.

“Awwyeah,Cam,fuckyes,I’mserious.”Hetakesitoutofmyhandandgrabsafork.“Don’t

knockituntilyou’vetriedit.”

“Itlooksgross,andyouknowthatlobster ’sfake,”Itellhimasheliftsaforkfultomymouth.

“Justeatit.”

Iobligehisrequestandeventhoughitlookshideous,itreallyhassomeflavor.“It’sgood,

huh?”heasks

“Yeah,it’snotbad.”

“See,toldyaso.It’slikeabook—youcan’tjudgeitbyitscover.”

“Lookatyougettingallpoeticandshit.”

Hespanksmeandthenopensabottleofwinethathemust’veslippedinattheendofthe

shoppingtrip.AsIdicethepotatoes,hepoursuseachaglass,thenhandsmemineandliftshis.“Toa

wonderfuldinnerwithmyamazinggirl.”

Weclinkglasses.ThenasItakeasip,Ipullouttheboxofcakemix.Nixonoglesitandsays,

“God,howdoyouknowmesowell?”

“Uh…chocolateandlobster…it’snotthathard.”

Hekissesmeandsays,“HowcanIhelp?”Idirecthimwhattodo,butIcan’tshakeLukefrom

mymind,Ifeelbad…Ireallydo.SoIaskNixonasIpreparethecake,“WhydoyouthinkLukeis

actingthewayheis?Weweresuchgoodfriends,Idon’tgetit.”

“It’syourpussy,Cam.It’safuckinggoldmine.It’llmakeamandocrazyshit.”

“Shutup,”Itellhimandgazeintohiseyes,buthe’snotjoking.

“See,thisiswhyyoudon’tsleepwithyourfriends.”

“Isleptwithyouwhenyouweremyfriendandlookwherewearenow.”

“I’mtheexceptiontotherule.”Hecupsmyfaceandasksme,“Doyouwannaknowasecret?”

“Sure.”Inuzzlebackagainsthispalmandlookintohisclearblueeyesashesaystome,“When

Iwasgone,everysingletimeIjerkedoff,allIthoughtaboutwasyou.”

“Really?”I’mshocked.Theconfessionasrawasitis,issofuckingsweet.

“Uh-huh.”

Slidingtothefloor,Ikneelinfrontofhimandunziphisshorts.HiscockishardandIlickmy

lips,strokinghimbeforeImakeamove.Hereachesdownandtakesoneofmynipplesinbetweenhis

fingersandthensaystome,“Yougonnasuckmerealgood?”

Idon’tanswerwithwords,insteadIdipmyfingerintothebowlofcakebatteranddrizzleiton

hisshaft.Thenrespondwithmylips,shapingthemsecurelyaroundhim,andeagerlyeathimandthe

sugarysweetnessup.Tastingeverybitofhishardcock,whileIpossessandowneverysinglesecond

ofourtimetogether.

Chapter24

Nixon

Cameronsucksmedry,swallowingeverylastdropofcum.Lickingherlips,shepullsawaysatisfied,

assheshouldbe.Thensheslowlyremovesherpanties,tossingthembacktomeandIplacethemin

mypocket—they’remine;she’snevergettingthemback.

Mycockisstillhard,eagertogetinsidehersweetcunt.Iliftherdress,lookingbeneathitather

assasshebacksuponme.Standingup,Isliprightinsideherandshegaspsfromthefullness.

Fuck!

Idon’tmove,lettingherworkme.Myhandsarebeneathherdressbracingherhips,guiding

her.Squeezinghersides,shegripstheothercountertop,andImoveherfaster,butsuddenlyshestops.

“Don’t,”shebreathes,“orI’llcome.”

“Seehowitfeels?”

However,Ican’tstopmyself—she’smoaningandIcan’treachtocoverhermouth.AsIpullout

ofher,shestandsupandherdressfallsintoplace.IliftherupandtossherontothefirstsurfaceIsee.

Shelaughsasshelandsonthecouch,lookingupatmewithherlegsslackedtothesides,andIyank

herhipsoverthearmandslambackintoher.

“OhGod!”shecriesout,andIfuckherhard.Movingsoquicklymyballssting.Shewrithes

undermycontrol,mycockgivingherbodypleasure.Ibegintosweatandtearmyt-shirtoffabove

myhead.

“Youlikebeingfuckedhard?”

“Yes,Nixon!”shecriesoutandthensays,“Rightthere,don’tstop.”

HereyesarefixatedonmineandI’mlostinhers,watchingthewaytheyconstrictandexpandas

shepreparestoletgo.Butwhenshedoes,sheclosesthem,andmynameexpelsfromherlips.The

simplesoundofitalonecausesmetoletgo,anotherfastandhardorgasm.ThisiswhatCameron

doestome.

Withmycockstillinsideher,Ileandownandkisshertenderly.“Thatwassogood.Thankyou,”

Itellherandshenods.“Youokay?”Iask.

“Yeah,I’mexhaustedanddon’tfeellikecookinganymore.Thatwassogood.”

“Youwannaorderin?”Iaskherandreadjustmyselfbackintomyshorts.

“Ifyou’reokaywiththat.”

“I’mcoolwithwhateveryouwant,babe.”Iturnthewateroff,stillboilingonthestove.“Butyou

stillhavetobakemycake.”

Lookingoutside,it’sstartingtorain.Igrabourglassesandthewinebottle,bringingthemtothe

couch.AsIhandherstoher,sheflipstheTVonandthereisbreakingnewsoftwonewstormsthat

aredevelopingoffthecoastofAfrica.BothareprojectedtoheadrighttowardsFlorida.

“Surfingshouldbeepic,”Itellherandsitdownwithasmileonmyface,pullingherfeetonto

mylap.Isearchmyphoneforwhatwecanorderin.

“That’soneplus,butworkwillsuck.”

“Yeah?”Iquestionher,nothavinggonethroughastormbeingintheCoastGuardyet.

“Yeah,itsucksworkingintheweather,andwegetsomanymorecalls.”

“Well,atleastwegettodoittogether,”Itellher.

“That’strue,butLukewillbethere,andGod,Ihopehedoesn’tmakethingsawkward.”

“He’llbefine;givehimafewdays,”Itellher,hatinghowstressedhemakesher.Hebetternot

makeshitawkward,‘causeifhedoes,I’llsethimstraight,that’sfordamnsure.I’mdonelivingwith

regrets.Ididthatshitforfartoofuckinglong.Heneedstobeamanandstopactinglikeafucking

baby.

***

“Onapositivenote,atleastwegettodriveintoworktogethernow.”

Camerongivesmeasmallsmile,hertypicalpositivityinthemorningsisgone.Replacedwith

thestressofseeingLuke.“Babe,don’tlethimbringyoudown.”

“I’mtrying,”shesaysandgetsoutofmytruckaswewalk.Takingmyhand,Iwrapitaround

hers,andshelooksdownatourintertwinedfingers,thenstops.“Doyouhavetorubitin?”sheasks

me.

“I’mnotrubbinganythingin.I’mjustnothidingwhatweare.”

Sheacceptsmyanswerandwecontinueon.Idon’tletherhandslipfrommyhold,andwalking

in,Icansenseeveryonelookingatus.I’vegottoadmit,itfeelsfuckinggood.Rightaway,IspotGuy

andLuketalking,andwhenLukeseesus,hebails,headingoutsidetothehelicopter.

Seriously?

Cameronletsgoofmyhand,andaswewalkuptoGuyhesaystous,“Didyoureallyhaveto

walkinholdinghands?”

“Whatdidyouexpectustodo?”IaskGuy,alittlepeevedthatLukeisactinglikesuchabitch.

“He’ssensitive,youbothknowthat.Don’tthrowitinhisface.”

“I’lltalktohim,”Camsaysandwalksoff,headingrighttowardsLuke.

“What’dhesay?”IaskGuy,hopingthatmaybeIcangetareadonthingstosquashthisbullshit

onceandforall.

“He’sbrokenup,man.”

“Idon’tgetthat.Sheneveractedlikeshewasintohim.”

“Butshesleptwithhim.”

“Hetoldyou?”I’malittleagitatedbythisrevelation,butIguessit’snosecret.

“Yeah.Idon’tknowwhattodo,Nixon,butIcantellyouthis:ourteamisgonnacrumblefaster

thanyoucanblinkifwedon’tmakethisright.”

IscoffatGuy,“Imean,onelapseinjudgmentandnowhe’sheadoverheels.Seemsalittlecrazy

tome.He’stheonedoingthis,notme.IfyouexpectmetonotactlikeI’mwithCam,forthesakeof

him,it’snotgonnahappen.”

“No,man,that’snotwhatI’masking.Couldyakeepthingscoolandmaybenotrubitinhis

face?”

“Ofcourse,”IrespondasCameronstormsbackovertouspissedoff,herfaceredassheshakes

herhead.“He’slikeafuckin’child,”sheblurtsout.

“Whathappened?”Iask,agitated,watchinghimthroughthewindshieldashesitsinthecockpit.

“He’sbeingafuckingbitch.”

“Whoa,whythelanguage?”Mackasks,walkinguptothethreeofus.

“Nothing,it’snothing,”CameronshrieksandasIstandhere,Ifindmyfistsclenchedatmy

sidesandmyeyesonhim.Hewantstoactlikealittlebitch,thenI’llgivehimanasswhoopin’like

one.

Chapter25

Cameron

“Doyouthinkit’sweirdIhaven’theardfromConner?”IaskNixon.

“No,babe,I’msurehe’sbusy.He’llcallwhenhecan.”

Inod,knowinghe’sright,andfillthedishwasherwiththedirtydishesfromourdinner.“Luke

seemedbettertoday,”NixonsaystomeandIrollmyeyes.

“Why,becauseheactuallysaid‘bye’whenwelefttonight?It’sbeenafuckingweek.Heshould

beoveritbynow,buthe’sstillactinglikehisdogdied.”

Nixonlaughsatmywords,andIshrugmyshoulders.“What?It’strue.”

“Iknow,itwasfunnythewayyousaidit.”

“Maybeweshouldputinforatransfer?”Isuggestandimmediatelyheshutstheoptiondown.

“Noway,”hesaysandIstartthedishwasher.Nixon’sphoneringsandhetellsme,“I’mnot

riskingusgettingsplitup.”Helooksatthescreen,thensays,“It’smyaunt.Hello?”heanswersand

nodshisheadashespeaks.“Yeah,Idon’tmindatall.Ofcourse,letmeknowhowthingsgo.Tellher

goodluck.Loveyoutoo.”

Hehangsupandsaystome,“Rhonda’swaterbroke,soshe’sheadedtothehospital,andmy

auntneedssomeonetowatchScoundrel.”

“Holyshit,thatdogisstillalive?”

“Ohyeah,andwait‘tilyouseehim,helooksexactlythesame.”

“Wegonnastaythere?”IaskNixon.

“Yeah,youcoolwiththat?”

“Ofcourse,Imean,wedidgrowupinthathouse,soit’llbeatimewarp,that’sforsure.”

“Ican’twaittofuckyouinherkitchenagain.”

Ismirkandwalkofftopackabag.Nixonyellsafterme,“I’mgonnatakemystufftothecar,

okay?”

“Sure,babe.”

AfterI’mallpacked,wemaketheshorttripinlandtohisaunt’shouseandthemomentheparks

histruckinfrontofher1970’s-styleretrohouse,I’mtotallytakenback.Nixonusedtospendallhis

timehere.Sincehisdadwasinthemilitary,hismomhatedtobehomealoneandbasicallymoved

themin.ConnerandIlivedattheendoftheblock.ConneralwayshadacrushonRhonda,butshewas

toooldforhim.

“DoyourememberwhenConnerbrokehisarmfallingoffhisskateboardouthere?”Iaskhim.

“OhmyGod,hescreamedlikeagirl,”hesaysandwebothbustoutlaughing.

Gettingoutofthetruck,Ilookupatthehouse,wheresomanymemoriesfromourchildhood

tookplace.WewalkuptothefrontdoorandNixonstoopsdowntoliftasmallplant,wherehisaunt

stillleavesakey.Heopensthedoorafterstrugglingwiththelockforlikefiveminutes.Thelittledog

greetsuswithanexcitedlook,andNixonwasright,helooksthesame.“Hey,buddy,”Isaytohimand

leandown,pettinghisstragglyfur.HesitshisbuttrightdownandNixonscratcheshisheadtoo,then

goesintothekitchen.“Youhungry,Scoundrel?”hecallsoutandIleadhimintowhereNixonisashe

fillshisbowlwithafreshcupoffood.

Lookingaround,Ican’tbelievehowidenticaleverythingis.Stilltothisday,itisthesameasit

wasthelasttimeIwashere.“Shehasn’tchangedathing.”

“No,shereallyhasn’t,”herespondsandliftsmeup,settingmeonthekitchenisland.Withmy

armslockedaroundhisneck,Ismile,gazingathim,andhesaystome,“CanIfuckyounow?”

“Uhhuh.”Ashebeginskissingmyneck,Ileanback,bracingmyweightonmyarms.Hislips

warmme,andasItakeahandreachingdownforhiscock,Scoundrelbarksatus,alreadydone

eating.Westopkissingandstareatthetinydog,whichapparentlythinksheneedsattention.

“Well,IguessI’llhavetofuckyoulater,”Nixonsaysandthenasksthedog,“Doyouwannago

forawalk,buddy?”HiswordsturnScoundrelintopsychodoggyashedartstothefrontdoorand

staresathisleashthatishangingbyit.

“Youcoming,beautiful?”heasksmeasIstandinhisaunt’shome,aplacethatholdssomany

memories,somanytimeswhenthingsweresomuchsimpler.

***

“Wakeup,baby,”Nixonsayskissingmyshoulderandsqueezingmyass.I’mgroggy.Ididn’t

sleepwell,andasItaketheroomin,Irememberwhy.Thebedinhisaunt’sspareroomisso

uncomfortable.

“Whattimeisit?”Iask,lookingoveratafreshlydressedNixon.

“It’ssixsomething.”

“OhmyGod,whyareyouup?”

“Ihadtotakecareofthedogandwantedtotakeyousomewheretoday.”

“Thisearly?”

Henods,givingmesuchasexylook.HowcanIsayno?I’drobabankwithhimifhewantedto.

“Where?”Iaskhimandstretch,tryingtopushawaytheexhaustion.

“CanIshowyou?”

“Canyoutellme?”Heleansdownandkissesme.“Twooptions:wecaneitherstayinandfuck

allday,oryoucancomewithme.”

Asgoodashislipsfeelonmine,Ihavetogetup.“Ineedoutofthisbed.It’sterrible.”

“Comeonthen.”Hetakesmyhandandhelpsmestand.“I’llmeetyouinthekitchen,”hesays

andwalksoff.Igetdressedtryingtothinkofwhathecouldwanttodotoday,andIcan’tthinkof

anythingaroundhere.Imean,maybesurfingatourfavoritebeach,butwedon’thaveourboardswith

us.

“Makesureyouhaveyourswimmingsuiton.”

“Arewegoingtothebeach?”Icalloutandhesays,“Nope.”

Pullingmydressbackoffovermybreasts,Iputmysuitonandthenbrushmyteethandgofind

Nixoninthekitchen.Whenheseesme,heexcitedlysays,“Areyouready?”

“Uhhuh,”Itellhim,wonderingwhatintheworldhasgottenintohim.Hehandsmeacoffeeand

dropsafewbonesinScoundrel’sbowlbeforewebolt.Ifeellikehe’sliterallydraggingmeoutofthe

house,andaswedriveaway,Iaskhim,“What’swiththebighurry?”

“You’llhavetowaitandsee,baby.”

“What’sinhere?”Iask,peekinginsidethebrownpaperbagthatissittingonthecenterconsole.

“Breakfast.”

“Whoa,where’sNixon?Andwhoisthismanthat’scookingformeandrushingmearoundat

sixinthemorning?”

“Shutup,”heteasesme,“It’snothingbig,onlyabagel.”

GladlyIeatit,lookingoutatthetownaswedrivethroughit.Mybrainisworkingovertime,

tryingtopinpointwhereheistakingme.“Areyousurewearen’tgoingtothebeach?”

“I’msure,babe,Ipromise.”

It’snotlonguntilheparkshistruckinanunfamiliarlotandsays,“We’rehere.”

Idon’trecognizeanythingandaskhim,“Areyousureyoubroughtmehere,orwasitsomeone

else?”

“Wow,nowthat’scruel,”hesays.“WhoelsewouldIhavebroughthere?Itwasalwaysyou,

Conner,andI,remember?”

“Therewasthatgirl…whatwashername?SomethingwithanL…LeticiaorLaurel,whateverit

was…wasitwithher?”

“Wouldyougetthefuckoutofthetruckandfollowme?”hecutsmyspeculationshort,andI

watchasheyankshistightwhitetanktopoverhishead,hisblueeyeseatingmealiveashelooksat

methroughthethinfabric.Steppingout,thesandmixedwithgravelissoftandfeelsfamiliarbetween

mytoes.Ipullmydressovermyheadandtossitonthepassengerseat,followingNixon’slead,

wearingonlymysuit.Hewalksoffandlooksdownaravine,Icomeupbehindhimandoncemyeyes

focusinonthegorgeousturquoisewatersofthecoveandthelargerockthatisnestledaboveit,so

manymemoriesofbeingherecomefloodingbacktome.HowcouldIforgetthisplace?Weusedto

spendhourscliffdivinghere.“Yourememberitnow?”heasks,reachingformyhandandleadingme

overtothetopofthecliff.

“Yes,rememberwhen…”

“Connerpretendedtodrown?”hefinishesmysentenceforme.

“Yes,whatwouldmakehimthinkthatwasfunny?”

“YouknowConner,babe,he’salwaysoutforagoodlaughandtogetariseoutofyou.”

Andheis…it’soneofthethingsthatIloveabouthimandmissmostabouthim.He’ssucha

goofball.Noonemakesmelaughharder.Aswereachtheedge,weeachtakeourflip-flopsoffand

tossthemdowntowhereyouclimbout,stillrememberingthewayweusedtodothings.Holding

Nixon’shand,withtheroughsurfacebeneathmytoes,hekissesme,cuppingmyface,andsaystome,

“Fallwithme,”thesamewayhealwaysusedto.

Idon’thavetoanswerhim,asheknowsmyanswer.Leaningintothefeelingofnothingness,the

gravityquicklytakesover,plummetingusintothewarmwaterbelow.Myfingersareknottedaround

hisuntiltheimpactofthewatertearsusapart.Aswecomeupforair,ourbodiesreconnectlikea

magnet.“NixonAndrews,Iwaswrongaboutyou…youknowthat?”

“Yeah?Whydoyousaythat?”

“Youareagentleman.”

“Nah,notme,”hesaysandgraspsthetopofmyheadwithhishand,pushingmyentirebody

underthewaterasheswimsaway.Thewatersurroundsme,stealingawaymyvisionandcontroland

asIcomeup,IspotNixonputtinghisflipsonandthendashinguptothetopofthecliff.He’scoming

backin,andasIscoottothesidewatchinghiscrazyassrunandjumpoff,hefliesthroughtheairlike

asuperhero.Beingbackhereisperfect.Ican’tbelieveIforgotaboutthisplace.Theonlything

missingisConner;hewouldlovetobefoolingaroundwithus.Nixon’sbodyhitsthelagoonhard,

andheswimsovertome,pullingmeclosetohimaswetreadwaterandgetlostinoneanother ’s

kisses.HetastessosweetandsmellsmoreamazingthanIcandescribe.

“Wannajumpagain?”heaskseagerly.Asweclimbout,it’sclearwhyhewassoanxioustoget

hereearly.Thisplacewasalwaysbusywhenwe’dcome,andnowhasgottobeevenmorepopular

thanwhenwewerekids.I’msureitwillbecrowdedwithtonsofpeoplebeforeweknowit.

IreachforNixon’shandashegoestohelpmeout,butIyankhimback,hard.Bracingmyfeet

ontherockatthewater ’sedge,hefliesintothecovefacefirst,andIscrambleoff,knowingthatifhe

catchesme,I’mscrewed.AsIrunuptothetop,myheartracesasheclosesinonme,andIdon’t

knowthatIcanthinkofahappiertimeweshared.Thiswasoneofthegreatestmemoriesweshared,

andIsuppresseditbecauseofthepainNixoncausedme.Butrelivingitagainwithhimmakesme

knowthatGoddoesgivesecondchancesinlife.Whatyoudowiththatsecondchance…thatisentirely

uptoyou.

Chapter26

Nixon

AsniceasitwastogobackandreminiscewithCam,beingbackinthebubblewe’vecreated,feelsso

right.Wakingupinherbed,withmyarmswoundsecurelyaroundher,Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeen

happier.Ineverthoughtthiswouldhappenagain.Ifuckedthingsupsobadforus,tothepointwhereI

believedtheywereirreparable,butasIbreatheherin,myhardcockwantinginsideher,Iknowyou

can’tcontrolfate.

It’sacloudyday.Theimpendingstormsarepushinginatailwindofthunderstormstowardsus

astheygetcloserandcloser.Theskyisdarkandit’sfartooearlytobeawake,but…Idon’tsleep

anymore.IwatchCam.

Shemoans,wakingalittle,andwhenshepushesherassintome,Ireachdown,pressingmy

cockintohertightlittleslit.

“Mmmmm,”shewhines,andIshovemyselfintoherasfarasIcan.Thenweeachbeginto

move.Ourbodiesmatcheachother ’srhythm.Mydickglidessoeffortlesslyinandoutofher.I

squeezehertighterandsuckonthesensitiveskinofherneck.

Mythrustsgetharder,workinghermore.Andshepushesbackagainstme,rollingmeflaton

myback.Stillnestledinsideher,Iholdheraboveme.ShebalancesonherhandsandfeetandI

unleashafuryoffucking.Poundingher,ourskinslapstogether.Hercriesofpleasuremotivatemeto

continueon,andthefeelingI’vebeenworkingtowardshitsmehardandmyballsexplode.

Asherbodyfallsbackagainstmine,Idon’tstopmovingandhernoisespitch.Herentirebody

stiffensassheletsgo.Ipumphergood,makingsureshecomeshard,andwhenshesettles,weroll

backoverandIclosemyeyes,finallyfeelinglikeIcouldsleep.

“That’sthebestwaytowakeup.”

“Yeah,itis,”Irespond.

“Itlooksnastyoutsidetoday,”shesays.

“Ithinkthatstorm’scloserthanwerealize.”

“Butit’sstillprojectedtoveernorth,right?”

“Yeah,lastIheard.Whydon’tyouletmejumpinanddoanyrescuestoday,okay?”

Shehesitatesforasecondandthensaystome,“Idon’twanttoseeyouriskyourlife.”

“Comingfromthegirlwhosaidourjobisn’tdangerous.”

“Fine,youcanjump.It’sabouttimethatyougetyourfeetwet.”

Ikissthetopofhershoulder,happythatshe’slettingme.Shereleasesalongexhale,andIsense

somethingisbotheringher.“What’sgoingthroughthatheadofyours?”

“Nothing,Iwasthinkingaboutbeingbackatyouraunt’s.”

“Didyoulikeit?”

Sheturnsinmyarmsandlooksatme.“Idid.Imean,anytimealonewithyouisgreat.Butitwas

reallygoodtogobackandseemyparents’oldhouseandrememberallthetimeswesharedgrowing

up.IwishConnercould’vecome,too.”

“We’llrunhimsoraggedwhenhecomeshome,he’sgonnahateus.”

“Yeah,wewill.”

Ikisshershoulderandsay,“I’mgonnashower.”

“‘Kay.”

AfterI’mdoneandgetdressedforwork,IfindCameroninthelivingroomonherlaptop.

“Connercall?”Iaskher.

“No,Iwascheckingtheconnection,sincewebroughtithomefromyouraunt’s…”Icanseethe

worryonherfaceasshegetsoffthechairandtracesthelinebacktothewall.

“He’sallright,babe,Ipromise.”

“Howdoyouknow?”

“‘CauseIwaswhereheis.I’dgomonthswithoutcallingmymomsometimes.Thatdoesn’t

meananythingiswrong.Hemighthaveanewmissionorbeswitchingships.You’reluckyhecalls

youasmuchashedoes.”

Shelooksupatmewithtearsinhereyes,andIpullherintome.I’mnotsureifshe’scrying

overConner,orthatIwasgoneaslongasIwasandnevercontactedher.

“He’sgood,babe.Bepositive,”Itellher.

Shenodsandsays,“Thanks,I’mgonnashower,”andwalksoff.Ilethergo,knowingshe’s

strong,andassoonasConnercalls,she’llknoweverythingisgood.

AfterIfinishmakingourlunchesfortheday,Ilookformyphoneandcan’tfindit.Imust’ve

leftitatmyaunt’s.Goingintothebathroom,CameronisintheshowerandIpeekmyheadin,

pinchinghernipple.ShejumpsasIscaredherandswatsmyhandaway,buthernormalsmiledoesn’t

follow.“Haveyouseenmyphone?”

“No,why?”

“IthinkIleftitatmyaunt’s.”

“Ihaven’tseenit,”shesaysandrinsesherhair.

“AreyoucoolifIrunovertherenowandgrabit?Scoundrelcouldprobablyuseabathroom

break.”

“Sure.”

“YoustillstressingaboutConner,babe?”Iaskher.

“I’mtryingnotto,butIfeellikesomething’soff.”

“Letitgo,trustme.Ifsomethingwerewrong,someonewould’vecontactedus.”

Sheleansoverandkissesme.Ipinchhernippleagainbeforewalkingoffandsherollshereyes.

“Meetyouatwork,babe.”

Hoppinginmytruck,IheadacrosstownwishingmyauntwashomefromthehospitalsoI

couldjustcallherandseeifmyphoneisthere.Butshesaidmycousinwasn’tgettingreleased‘til

lateroninthemorning,soI’lljustgoandcheck.

Pullinguptoastoplight,Ican’tshakewhatCameronsaidtome.“Ifeellikesomething’soff.”

Chapter27

Cameron

“So,what,nowyou’retalkingtome?”IaskLukeashewalksinandsays,“Goodmorning.”

“Ineverstoppedtalkingtoyou.”

“Right,”ItellhimandtextNixon,Mackjustcalledameeting,youbettergethere.

Iwaitforhimtorespond,buthedoesn’t,soIgointotheconferenceroomandtakeaseatnext

toGuy.“Hey,howwasyourweekend?”heasks.

“Good,you?”

“Good.IthinkMaceyandIaregonnagetadog.”

“Really?”Iaskhim,knowinghehatespets.

“Yeah,herco-workerismovingand—”

“Goodmorning,everyone,”Macksays,startingthemeeting,andI’mpissedthatNixonisn’t

hereyet.Thatwillbethelasttwomeetingshe’smissed.“So,Iwantedtodiscussthesetropicalstorms

headedtowardsus.WeallknowhowunpredictableMotherNaturecanbe,sowehavetobeprepared

foranything.Firstoff,TropicalStormLenaisexpectedtoheadnorthandnotcauseanyimminent

problemsordamagetoland.Althoughasyoulookoutsidenow,youcanseewe’realreadydealing

withrainandsomewind.Thatmeans,flightcrews,youmightgetgroundedifthingspickup,butlet’s

hopenot.Youallknowwhatyourhelicoptersarecapableof,andI’llhaveaverycloseeyeonthings

too.NextwehaveTropicalStormMelo,andthatisexpectedtohitalittlenorthofus.Now,these

thingsalwayschange,sofornow,Idon’twantanyonefreakingout.Letmeworryaboutthestorms.

Asforyouall,it’sbusinessasusual.Anyquestions?”

Nooneasksathing,andaswealldispersefromtheroom,MackstopsGuy,Luke,andI.

“Where’sNixonagain?”he’sagitated,andItellhim,“Hehadtorunanerrandthismorning.He’llbe

hereanyminute.”Mackwalksoffandweheadoutintotheshop.Theguysdon’tsayanythingtome,

andasweroundthecorner,IspotNixonpullingup.

Abouttime!Itexthimandwaitforhimtorespond,buthedoesn’t.SoIgrabthechecklistIneed

forourinventory.AsIturnandheadoutofthebay,Nixon’ssilhouetteisstandinginthedoorway.He

isfrozen,ourstareslockedoneachother ’s.Hiseyesareredandglassyashelooksatme.Something

iswrong.I’veneverseenNixonlikethis,andmyheartstartstopound,myinsidestighteninginfear.

Slowly,Iwalktohim,afraidthatthisishimleavingmealloveragain.OnceIreachhim,hesaysto

me,“It’sConner…I’msosorry,baby.”Iswallow,takinginhiswords.No.Whatishetalkingabout?

ButIcan’tseemtofindmyvoice,allIcandoisfocusonthesheerlookofagonythatplagues

him.“He’s…he’sgone.”

“No,”Ishakemyhead,tearsbleedingdownmycheeksasIfallagainsthischest.Heholdsme

up,mystrengthdepleted,andIsoblikeachild,wailingashiswordspiercemyheart.

Nixontriestocalmmedown,shhhhingmeasIballmyhandsinfists,bangingthemonhis

chest.Thisisallhisfault,beingaSEALwashisidea.“Youlefthimthere,”Isobandmykneesgive

out.Heholdsmeup,crying,repeatingthewords,“I’msorry,”overandoveragain.

“What’swrong?”Guyasksandtouchesmyback.ButIcan’tevenanswerhim,allIcandois

shakemyheadrealizingthatmybrotherisgone.He’sfuckinggone!Ifeltitthismorninganddidn’t

wanttobelieveit…butmyworstnightmareisnowtherealityofmylife.

“Conner ’sgone,man,”Nixonsays,andIfighthimtoletmego,sohurt.Devastated.Inthe

process,Ifalltotheground.Nixonliftsmeupandcarriesmeaway.Hesitsmeinoneofthechairsin

Mack’sofficeandkneelsbetweenmylegs.

Ican’tbreathe.Fuck,Ican’tbreathe.

“Calmdown,Cam.Breathe,”hetellsme,buthisfaceisdistortedandasIstruggleforair,itgets

worse.Ilookathimandgasp.“You…you…you…”

“Shhhh.”Heholdsmyfacetightly,cuttingmeoff,andIlookforhimtomakethingsright,to

makeitbetter,tobringConnerback.Buthefuckingcan’t,andIcan’tquietthevoiceinmyheadthat

keepspointingthefingerathim.

Hesitswithme,lettingmecryandworkthroughthepain.Notlooseninguponthegriphehas

onmeatall.Myinsidesarenumb…partofmeisgone.Staringatthecorneroftheroom,IfeellikeI

belonginamentalinstitution.MybrainhurtssofuckingbadandfinallyIask,“Whathappened?”

needingtoknowhow.

“Nothere,let’stalkaboutitathome,”hetellsme.

There’salightknockonthedoor,andMackcomesinwithabottleofwater.“Sheokay?”he

asksNixonandheshrugshisshoulders.

SlowlyIlookatMackandhepassesmethewater,“Drinksomeofthis.”

Takingthebottlefromhim,itfeelslikeitweighsahundredpounds.“Whydon’tyoubothgo

homeandtakesometime?”Macksays.

“Thankyou,”NixonrespondsandMacktouchesmyshoulder,“Cameron,I’msosorryabout

yourbrother.IfthereisanythingthatIortheCoastGuardcandoforyou,pleasedon’thesitatetoask,

okay?”

InodandwatchMackwalkout.TheonlythingIneedismybrother.“Comeon,babe,let’sget

youhome,”Nixonsaysandinadaze,Istand,leaningonhimforsupport.Mylegsareweak,and

whenweexittheroom,Ilookandseeeveryonestandingalongthewall.Icanbarelymakeouttheir

faces.AsIwalkpasteveryoneofthem,theyeachstepforwardandhugme.I’mnotevensurewhat

theyareallsayingasIgetpasseddowntheline.TheroomisfuzzyandonceIfeelNixon’shandson

me,Isaytohim,“Please,getmeoutofhere.”

Chapter28

Nixon

Quietly,IcomeinfromCameron’sbackpatio,havingcalledherparentsagain,butstillI’mnotable

togetaholdofthem.I’mnotsurewhattodo.Sittingsoftlyonthechairnexttothesofa,she’sstill

asleepandIpraythatshedoesn’twakeup.Rightnow,sleepistheonlyplacethatsheisnotinpain.

Mymindisstillplaguedwiththeimagesofherbreakingdown,whenItoldherhowhepassed.

Shelostcontrolandfreakedout.I’veneverseenhersoupsetanditscaredtheshitoutofme.

Seeingherhurtlikethatwasterrible,andIcouldn’thelpbutfeelsomewhatresponsible.AllI

wanttodoistakeherpainaway,butIcan’t.Thatisoneoftheworstpartsaboutdeath—thereisno

rhymeorreasontoit.Itdoesn’twarnyou.Itdoesn’tletyoupickandchoose.Becauseifitdid,I’d

switchplaceswithConnerinafuckingheartbeat.

Butit’snotanoption,soIhavetobestrongforher,nomatterwhat.Eventhoughsheknewhe

riskedhislifeeveryday,youcanneverprepareyourselfforthemagnitudeofthiskindofloss.

Sayinggoodbyetoafamilymember,oranyonethatyoulove,isthehardestthingyoucould

everimagine,butwatchingthepersonyoucareaboutmostgrievewhenyouareinpainyourself…

andfeellikeyouhadahandinitall…it’sfuckingawful.

Closingmyeyes,Ican’timaginewhatConnerwentthrough.Theexplosionwassobadthat

therewasnothingleftofhimtorecover.AsobformsinmythroatandIleanmyheadbackreminding

myselftostaystrong…forCameron.

MyphonebuzzesandIlooktoseeamessagefromGuy,Howareyoutwoholdingup?

Icontemplatehowtorespond.Whatdoyoutellpeopleinatimelikethis?WhenIlostmydad,I

wassoangrythatIshuteveryoneelsearoundmeoff.That’sthebeginningofwhenIstartedtopush

Cameronaway.

Ifthereisanythingyouguysneed,letmeknow,hetextsmeagain.

Irespond,Thanks,Cameron’ssleeping.It’sbeenrough.

I’msorry,man.Pleasetellherweareallthinkingabouther.

Andyoutoo.hesendsmeinanothertext

Idon’trespond.Iknoweveryonefeelsterrible,butIalsocan’thelpthinkingthattheyblameme

abit.Hell,IblamemyfuckingselfandCamerondoestoo.Ishouldn’thavelostmytempersoI

could’vestayedwithConneranddoneanothertour.Ishould’veensuredhecamehomesafelytoher.

AndhadInotgottenkickedout,helikelywouldn’thaveswitchedtolandmissionsandbeenahellof

alotsaferoutontheship.Restingmyfaceinthepalmsofmyhands,theremorseistoogreatto

handle,andIchokethroughanothersobthatIcan’tholdback.

Shakingmyheadbackandforth,strugglingtocatchmybreath,Camerontouchesmyarm,andI

lookatherthroughmyblurryeyes.“Comehere,”shesays,openingherarmstocomfortme,andI

slidealongthesofa,ourbodiesrestingchesttochest.

Ipushawaymypain,notwantinghertoseemelikethisandshesays,“I’msorryaboutearlier,

andhowupsetIgot.”

“No,babe,don’tapologizeforshit.Youhadeveryrighttoreacthowyoudid.You’refucking

right—Ican’thidefromthefactthatI’mtoblame.”

“No,Nixon!You’renot.Stopsayingshitlikethat.Iwasangryanddidn’tmeanwhatIsaid.”

“Youdon’tneedtogobackonhowyoureallyfeel,Cam.It’sthefuckingtruth.HadIstayed,he

wouldn’thavejoinedthelandmissions.Hewouldhavebeensaferontheship.”

“Howdoyouknowthat?Youthinkhetookyourspot?Thatyouweretheonlypersonwholeft?”

She’sright,therewerereorgseveryyear.Butthepain,theguilt,fuck…ithurts.Ifightbackthe

tearsasherphonevibrates.Immediately,Igrabitoffthecoffeetable,wonderingifit’sherparents.

“Whoisit?”sheasks.

“It’sLuke.”

“Don’tanswerit,Idon’twanttotalktohim.Didmyparentsevercallback?”

“No,andItriedthemacouplemoretimes,buttheirphoneskeepgoingtovoicemail.”

“God,they’regonnabesodevastated.Idon’tknowhowI’mgonnatellthem,”shesays.

“Icantellthem.”

“No,I’lldoit.Theyneedtohearitfromme.”

“Okay,”Itellherandherstomachgrowls.It’ssoloud.Wehaven’teatenanythingtodayandwe

needto.KissingherontheforeheadbeforeIgetup,Igolookinthefridge.

“I’mnoteatinganything,”shesays.

“Yes,youare.”

Ifindsomeleftoversfromourdinneroutlastnightandpoptheminthemicrowave.AsIstareat

thesecondsclickingdown,Cameronasksme,“Doyouthinkhesuffered?”

Bracingmyweightontheedgeofthecountertop,Idon’tevenwanttoimaginewhatthelast

secondsofhislifeentailed.“No,Idon’tthinkso,baby.”

Sheexhales,herhandsrestingonherstomachasshelooksupattheceiling.“That’sgood.

That’sgood.Aslongashedidn’tsuffer.”

Themicrowavedings,thenoisestartlingme,andItakethecontainertothecouch,handing

Cameronafork.Shelooksatitandcloseshereyes.“Ireallydon’twanttoeat.”

“I’msureyoudon’t,babe,butyouneedtogetsomefoodinyou.”

Shenodsandsitsup.Weeachtaketinybitesastherainpeltsagainstthewindows.Herphone

ringsagainandwhenthescreensays“Dad”onit,shedropsherfork.“Icandoitforyou,baby,”I

offeragain,andsheshakesherheadansweringthecall.“Daddy,”shesaysthroughastrainedsob,and

Irubherback,wishingIcouldgiveherthestrengthtotellherparentsthatConnerisgone.

Unfortunately,nomatterwhatIwant,nothingisgoingtohelpher.Itjustwon’t.Hervoiceis

strained,everywordpainful.Andwhenthemessagesofblamestarttearingatmeagain,Itryto

remindmyselfwhatshesaidtome,toseeadifferenttruth.

Chapter29

Cameron

I’veneverlostanyoneclosetomeuntilConner.AsIsitbacknestledinNixon’shold,theroomis

filledwiththevoicesofGuyandMacey,anditmakessensetomehowwhenyou’veneverlost

anyoneclosetoyouthatyoudon’tunderstandthemagnitudeofgriefuntilyouexperienceityourself.

IcantellNixonistryingtobepolite,talkingtothem,andI’mjustblah…notinthemoodto

visit.It’sbeenfivedaysandnothingseemstomatterortobeanydifferentwithhowIfeel.Theold

saying,“Timehealsallwounds”isn’thelpingme…atall.“Cam?Baby?”NixonnudgesmeandIlook

upathimslowly,likearobot.

“DoyouwantMaceytoheatupthecasseroletheybrought?”

“No,thanks.”Itrytosmile.

Guysays,“Wereallymissyouatwork.”

“Imissyou,too,”Itellhimandthenfeelmyselfdriftingoffagain.

“Babe?”Nixonsaysnudgingmeagain.Lookingdownatmyhandsinmylap,Ihavenoclue

whathe’stalkingabout.

“Huh?”

“They’releaving.”

Igetoffthecouch,standingtohugbothGuyandMacey.Guypullsbackandlooksmeinthe

eye;Icanseehowhardthisisforhim.“Anythingyouneed,pleaseask…okay?”Inodandheshakes

Nixon’shand,“RememberwhatIsaid.”BeforeIcanquestionhim…they’regone.

“Thatwasniceofthem,huh?”Nixonasksme.

“Yeah.”Iglanceoveratmyself,mystringyhairandpalereflectioninthemirrorlooksterrible.

“IthinkIwannatakeabath.”

“Okay,youwantaglassofwine?”

InodandleanintohislipsashekissesmebeforeIwalkoff.

Turningonthewater,Ibegintofillthebathandslipoutofmyclothes.Slidingintothecooltub,

waitingforittobefilled,Iclosemyeyes.I’msoexhausted,eventhoughallIdoissleep.Processing

thelossandgoingthroughthegriefismentallytaxing.Nixoncomesinwithalargeglassofwineand

sitsonthefloornexttome.

“Hereyougo,beautiful.”

“Thanks,”ItellhimasIadjustthewaterwithmytoes,makingitwarmer.

Herubsmycheekwithhisthumbandsays,“Itwasgoodtoseethem.”

“Yeah,itwas.Ifeelbadthattheycan’tworkwithoutus.”

“Mackwillgetthemsomehelp.”

“When?Inlikeayear?”Irespond.

“Let’shopenot.Butthat’snotwhat’simportant.I’mworriedaboutyou.”

“I’mokay,Ireallyam.”Itellhim.

“CanImakeyouanythingtoeat,evensometoast?”

“Sure,”Itellhim,knowinghewon’tstopuntilIeat.Hesmilesandkissesmyforehead,then

leaves.Slidingfurtherdown,Ikeepcalm,remindingmyselftoonlythinkofgoodtimeswithConner.

Nothowhepassedorwhathewentthrough.

Takingasipofmywine,IhearNixonturnthenewsup.Itsoundsliketheyaretalkingaboutthe

nexttropicalstorm.Ashecomesinwithmytoastandmorewineinhand,Iaskhim,“Whatarethey

saying?”

“Soundslikeit’sexpectedtomakelandfallbythisweekend.”

Hesetsmyfoodontheedgeonthetubandthengetsundressed.“Scootforward,”hetellsme

andgetsinbehindme.MybodymoldsperfectlytohisasIleanbackagainsthimandhefeedsmea

biteoftoast.

StaringatthetilewallasIdrownthenoiseoftheTVout,Nixonsaystome,“Didyouwantto

goinandhavelunchwiththeguysthisweek?”

“Atwork?”

“Uhhuh.”

“Yeah,that’dbenice.”

“Itwill.”

“Maybewecouldhelpoutwiththestormtoo?”

“Youmeanwork?”

“Yeah.”

“Noway,”hesays,“It’stoosoon,”

“Sayswho?”Iaskhim,offended.“Icangoinandeatlunch,butIcan’tworkalittleifIwantto?

Nixon,ifI’velearnedonethingthroughallofthis,it’sthatyoucan’tputatimeframeongrief.I’m

probablygoingtofeellikethisforyears.”

“Comeon,babe,it’sonlybeenfivedays.”

“AndI’mstillinthesamefunkIwaswhenIfoundout.Nobetter.Maybekeepingbusywould

help?”

“Idon’tthinkit’sagoodidea,babe.”

“Well,youdon’tgettochooseonthisone.Likewhenyouleftme.Ididn’tthinkitwasagood

idea,butyoustilldidit.It’swhatConnerwouldwant.Hediedfightingforourcountry,andifastorm

isheadedrighttowardsourhometown,thenIwanttomakeadifference.Grievingornot.”

Nixonholdsmetight,notrespondingtomyidea.He’stryingtoprotectme,Igetthat.ButifI

keeplyingaroundmoping,thennothingwillgetanybetterandIdon’twantthat.Iwanttomakemy

brotherproud.Iwanttobehappyandtomakeadifference,likeConnerdid.“Nixon,therearegoing

tobepeopleoutthereinthisstormthatwecouldsaveandbringhomesafelytotheirfamilies,sothey

don’thavetogothroughwhatweare.Yousaidsoyourselfthatyouwould’veswitchedplaceswith

Conner,soyou’vegottaunderstandwhatImean.”

“AndIdo,Cam,pleasedon’tthinkIdon’t.”HekissesthetopofmyshoulderandIturninhis

hold,gazingintohisclearblueeyes.“Iworrythatyouaren’tready.You’rebarelyeating;you’restill

processingeverything.Justgiveitafewmoreweeks.”

“Weeks?Noway.I’llstarteatingifthat’swhatyouwant.”

Heexhalesandgrabsmyface.“WhatIwant…Iwantyoutobeokayandsafe.Iwantyoutotake

babystepsandnotmakearashdecision.”

“ComingfromtheguywholeftmeallthoseyearsagoandkeptjoiningtheNavyasecretuntil

itwastimetosaygoodbye.”

“Yeah…anditwasthebiggestmistakeofmylife.”

Chapter30

Nixon

Ohfuck,hermouthissowarm.Idon’twanttoopenmyeyes,thisdreamfeelssoreal.It’sbeentoo

longsincewe’vefucked.Ineedthis,IneedCameron.Reachingdown,Iholdontothesidesofher

facebut…shepullsmeoutofhermouth.

Motherfucker.

Iknewitwouldend,thenoutofnowhere,she’sstraddlingmybody,thewarmthofherskin

abovemeheatsme,andIopenmyeyes,needingtoseeifthisisreallyhappeningornot.Andsure

enough,Cameronishoveringoverme.Myattentionisdrawntoherpussyasshereachesbehindher

andholdsontomyshaft,slidingdownontopofme.

Astronggrowlbrewswithinmythroat,echoingoffthesoftwallsofherapartment.Thenshe

beginstomove,herhandsplacedneatlyacrossmychest,smashinghertitstogether.Fuck,I’vemissed

her.

Shehasherheadbackandisinherownworld.Tiltingmyheadtotheside,Iwatchher,loving

howlostsheis,hownothingelsematters,andforonce…shedoesn’tseemtobeinpain.Bracingher

thighs,myfingersdigdeepasshefiercelybobsupanddownonme,showingnomercy.Shemoans

andIanglemyheadback,gettinglostinhernoises,pumpingmyhipsupwardeachtimeshecomes

downonme.Herpussyismysalvation.Witheverythingthatwehavebeenthrough…sheisallIneed.

“OhGod!”shecries,fallingforward,releasingallherpentuppainandstressintoanorgasm

soamazingthatIletgotooasIslamherfromunderneath.Myballsfire;thefeelingcanonlybe

describedasmind-blowing.

Assheliesdownontopofme,Itickleherback,trailingmyfingersalloverherskin.Her

breathingiseven,niceandcalm,andIaskher,“Didyousleepokay?

“Yeah,Idid.You?”

“Therainkeptmeupmostofthenight,didyouhearit?”SheshakesherheadandIlookoutthe

windowatthegraysky.“Weprobablyshouldgoandstockuponsomewaterandfoodtoday.”

“Isthatreallywhatyouwanttodo?”sheasksme.

Ichucklealittle,“It’snotwhatIwanttodo,babe,butweneedto.”

“Okay,doyoustillwanttohavelunch?”sheasksme.

“Sure.”

“Canwedoittoday?”

“Yeah,”Itellher.

“DidyouthinkaboutwhatIsaidlastnight?”

“Canwejuststartwithlunchandthenseehowyoufeelaftervisitingtoday?”

“‘Kay.”Cameronslidesoutofbed.Myeyeswatchhertightassstruttingtothebathroom,loving

thatsheisactuallyup.“Youwantcoffee?”Iask.

“Please.”

Ihopoutofbedandpullmyshortsonfromthefloor.Imakeusafreshpotofcoffeeandgoin

searchofher.She’spullingupherhairandsheasksme,“Youready?”

“Uh…yeah.”Irespondandgrabachangeofclothes,thenbrushmyteethandfindherinthe

kitchenwithtwoto-gocupsofcoffeeforus.She’sobviouslylookingforwardtogettingout.

“Youwannawalkthebeach?”sheasksme.

“Absolutely,”Itellherandglanceather,wonderingwhythesuddenchange.Lookingoutside

it’snotraining,soIdon’tquestionher.Itakethecoffeeshepassestomeandweheadout,both

barefoot.It’soneofthebenefitsoflivingonthebeach.Lookingup,theskyisdark.“Doyouthinkthis

stormisgonnabethatbad?”sheasks.

“Personally,no,it’salreadysodisorganized.Ithinkwe’llgetalotofrain,butthat’sit.”

Shetakesasipofhercoffee,lookingoutatthebluewater,andIdon’tthinkshehastheslightest

cluehowgorgeoussheis.“What?”sheasksasIstareather.

“Nothing,admiringyou.I’mgladtoseeyouupandfuelingyourself.”Iwrapmyarmaround

her,keepingherclosetomeandpraythatthisisthebeginningofusmovingpastthepainoftheloss

ofConner.Idon’twanttohurtanymoreorseeherhurting.Thewayshehasbeenthislastweekhas

beenunbearableattimes.Sotoseeasmileonherfaceandtoactuallyhaveheroutofthehouse,I’ll

doanythingtokeepitthatway.

***

SittingbackinthechairasIobserveCameronbullshittingwitheveryoneatwork,Idon’tknow

thatI’veseenherlaughmoreinareallylongtime.She’sevenlaughingatthedumbshitLukesays.

Thisiswhereshebelongs.Thisiswhatsheneeded.

“Youbetterseeadoctorforthat,”shetellshimasshelooksathisblackandbluethumb.

Apparently,hecloseditinhistruckdoororsomethinganditlooksfuckedup.

“See,goodthingyou’vebeenoff;itgavemythumbtimetorest,”hetellsher.Oneofthe

otherguyschimesin,bustinghisballssaying,“Right,likeyourthumbneededafuckingbreak.The

onlythingyouuseitforistojerkoff.”

“Oooooohhhh,”theroomeruptsatthejab.

“Fuckyou,asshole.Soyouallknow,Ihadadatelastnight.”

“Yeah,withahooker?”thatsameguysaysandLukeflipshimoff,stormingoutoftheroom.

CameronislaughingsohardshecanbarelysitupandIshakemyhead.Imean,thepoorguyhadit

coming.

ButourbanterisquicklycutshortasMackwalksin.TheroomquietsandhelooksatCameron

withthemostsincereregardasheleansdownandhugsher,thenpullsachairupnexttous.

“Howareyouholdingup?”

“I’mbetter.EspeciallynowthatI’mhere.”

“Yeah?”heasks.

“Uhhuh,thingshavebeenrough…reallyrough.Butseeingeveryoneandbeingbackherefeels

good.Howarethingswithyou?”

“Hah,busyasever,”hesayslookingdownatthestackofpapersinhishand.

“What’sallthat?”sheaskshim.

“Projectionsaboutthisstorm.”

“Youthinkit’sgonnabeabigdeal?”Iaskhim.

“Idon’tknow,possibly.I’mhopingwecanhavethehelicoptersouttheentiretimeandnotmiss

anyrescues…butyouknowhowitcanbe.You’rebothfromhereafterall.”

“Ifyou’reworriedabouttheboatsgettingpulledinandneedinghelp,NixonandIcanwork,”

Cameronsays,andatthispointthereisnotalkingheroutofanyofthis.Thisiswhatshewantstodo,

andifshesitsintheheliwhileIdotherescues,thensobeit.WealreadyagreedthatI’dbegoingin

fromnowon.

“Areyousure?”helooksatmeandInod,givinghimthegreenlight.

“Yeah,beingheretodayhasbeengreat.AndIwanttomakeadifference;Idon’twantother

familiestosufferlikewehave.Ifwecangetourteamoutthere,thenIwanttobeapartofit.”

“Nixon,youfeelthesame?”hequestionsme.

“Shebroughtituplastnight,andIguessIcan’targue.Thisiswhereshebelongs;thisiswhat

makesherhappy.”

“Okay,I’llreactivateyoubothstartingtomorrowmorning.”

“Thankyou!”sheexclaimsandgiveshimahug.Istandandshakehishandbeforehewalksout.

LookingdownatCam,shekissesme.“Thankyou,baby.Ipromiseyouwon’tregretthis.”

Chapter31

Cameron

Suitingupformyfirstshiftbackfeelssogood.Inside,IcanfeelConnerguidingme.Thefourofus

arealltalkingandlaughingthewayit’smeanttobe.Thestormisbreakingup,soit’swaycalmerthan

weexpectedandthathaseveryonenotsoonedge.

“Isthisallweneedfromtheinventory?”Nixonasksme.

“Yeah.”

“That’snothing,”hesays.

“Iknow.”

“I’msoreadytogetup,”LukeexclaimsandIaskhim,“DidMacknotevenletyouguysrunthe

beachesoranything?”

“Nope,wewereputontheno-flylist.Allwedidwasalotofcleaningaroundthisplace.”

Ilookaroundandnoticethatthingsdolookprettygoodaroundhere.“Well,I’mbackandI’m

notgoinganywhere.”

“Damnstraight.”

Wegoouttothechopper—it’salittlebreezybutnotasbadasIthoughtitwouldbe—andload

up.NixonfinishesstockingwhatweneededandkissesmebeforeIputmyheadseton.“Yousure

you’regood?”heasks.

Ismilefromeartoearandtellhim,“Neverbetter.”Strappingupinmyseat,Icanfeelitinmy

bonesthatthisiswhatI’msupposedtobedoing.

LuketalkstodispatchandGuystartstheenginecausingthebladestowhipaboveus.Nixon

takesmyhandinhisaswesitnexttoeachother.Iglanceoverathimandhewinksatme.Ismileback,

andGuyannounces,“We’reclearfortakeoff.”

TheJayhawkliftsintheairandNixonkissesmyhandafewtimes,Lukesays,“Wecanhear

yourlipswhenyoukiss—savethatshitforhome.”

“Ten-four,”Nixonsays,shuttinghimrightup,andIcan’tcontainmysmile.

“Seemscalm,”ItellGuyasInoticewearen’tbeingjerkedaround.

“Yeah,it’snotbadatall.Windsaboutthirtyknots.”

Lookingoutmywindow,thewavescapfromfaroutandIsay,“Should’vesurfedtoday.”

“Yeah,weshould’ve.”

“Luke,youbeenoutatall?”Iaskhim.

“Nah,mythumb’sgotmealljackedup.”

IcatchGuyglanceathimandhecutshimoffbeforehecaneventeasehim,“Don’tyoueven

startwithmenow,youdouchebag.”

“Youknow…Ireallymissedyouguys,”Itellthemandtheysayinsync,“Who…us?”

Thenweallthreebustoutlaughingasacallcomesovertheradio.“USCG6035,thisis

LieutenantBoscov,doyoucopy?”

“Ten-four,Lieutenant,wecanhearyouloudandclear,”Icheerfullyanswerfirst.

“Iwascheckingin,sinceImissedyouthismorning,howarethingsoutthere?”

“Quiet,sir,andsmooth.”

“Good,let’shopetheystaythatway.Welcomeback.”

“Thankyou,sir.”

WedisconnectandIsaytotheguys,“Thatwasniceofhim.”

“Oh,Mack,don’tlethimfoolya,”LukesaysandInoticeNixonstaringouthiswindowbutnot

atthewater,atthesky.“Yougood?”

“Yeah.”

Wecruiseforafewhoursandeverythingremainsquiet.Therearenoboatersouttodayor

anythingcrazyneedingourattentionsofar.“Shouldweheadinforlunch?”Guyasksandweall

agree.Butaswecircleback,thereisacallofastrandedfisherman,elevenmilesout.

“Youguyswantit?”LukeasksandIrespondrapidly,“Absolutely.”ButasIglanceatNixon,I

cantellsomethingiswrong.He’sstillwatchingtheweatherandthedarkeningsky.Inordertosave

thisperson,weareflyingrighttowardsthestorm.

Chapter32

Nixon

“Remember,I’mgoingdown,”ItellCameronassheunbucklesandbeginstoputhergearon.

“No,youaren’t,”sheargueswithmeandIglareather.“Rememberwhatweagreedon?”

“ThatwasbeforeConner.Pleaseletmedothis,baby.I’vegotmoreexperience.I’llbefine—in

andout.”

Lukecomesovertheradio,interruptingusandsays,“Theboatercalledinstatingthathis

enginewasmalfunctioningandhewasrunningonafaultybackup.Thedispatcherlostconnection

withhim,butgothislastcoordinates.Heisorwasonathirty-eightfootYellowfinboat.

“Ten-four,”Cameronsays,andIcanfeelthewindpickupwhippingaroundus,shakingthe

exteriorofthehelicopter.

“Please?”Ibegherandshesaystome,“I’vedonethisthousandsofmoretimesthanyouhave.

Trustme,okay?”

“Cam.”

“It’llallbegood.”Shefinishesgettinggearedup,andwhatcanIdo?Causeascene?Shehasthe

authorityovermeatworkandshouldbetheonetogodown.

Inandout.It’llallbegood,Itellmyselfandbelieveherwords.

“Tminusthreeminutesuntilarrivalatthecoordinates,”GuysaysandIdouble-checkher

harness,pullinguponittightly.

“Startlooking,everyone,”Lukeorders,beforeIconnectthedropline.Sheadjustshersnorkel

andmaskandwelookoutthewindows.“Ihavethewatercraftinsight,”LukesaysandCameronandI

bothseeittoo.Theboathasbeenoverturnedandtheguyisnowhereinsight.

“Dammit.We’retoolate,”shesaysinasombertone.

“I’mgonnacirclearoundandseeifwecangetvisualoftheboaterontheotherside,”Guysays

andIcanseethedisappointmentonCameron’sface.

“Thereheis,”sheshouts.“Clingingtothemotor.”

Lukestartstotalktodispatchandshesays,“Unhookmeandputthebasketontheline.”

“Noway.You’renotgoingdownunlessit’sattachedtotheline—endofstory.”

“Ihavenowheretostanddownthereandweneedtogethimoutofthewater,fast.”

GuygetsintopositionandItellher,“Straddletheboat,thenI’llsendyoudownthebasket.”

“You’reclear,Cam,besafe,”GuysaysandIopenthedoor.Shelooksatmeonelasttime,the

lookinhereyesissotrusting,andIkissher.Beforeloweringherdown,agustofwindshakesthe

helibutGuykeepsussteady.“Wegood?”Iask,stoppingfromloweringher.“Yeah,windspeedsare

projectedtodropasthestormismovingawayfromus,”Lukesays.

IfocusonCam,watchinghowsheswaysinthewind,buteffortlesslylandsinplace,then

straddlesthebackoftheboat.Sheunhooksherlineandwavesatme.AsfastasIcan,Iraiseitup,all

thewhilemyeyesareonhersittingonthebottomoftherockingboat.ThelinecomesinandIattach

thebasket,loweringittoher,hopingthatwiththewind,wecangetitrightinthewatersotheguycan

climbin.Icanseeheisstruggling.Buttome,nooneelsemattersexceptforCameron.Ihateher

downtherelikethat.ThewindisgustyasIdropthebasket.Ilanditclosetohimandheswimstoit,

wrestlingwithitashetriestogetinside.IcanseeCameronyellingtohim,tellinghimwhatdo.

Thenshesignalsmetopullhimup.He’spanickingandevenfrommyvantagepointIcansee

himheavinginforairasheswaysinthewind.

AssoonasIhavehimsecureinthechopper,Iunhookthebasketandbegintolowerthelineto

her.Asitheadsdown,shelooksupatmesoexpectantly,andthenwegetknockedwithanotherblast

ofwind.Thefuckingalarmssoundinthehelicopteraswebegintofallfromthesky.Allthewhile,I

watchCameron,stranded—waiting.

“Windshavepickedup,”LukesaysasGuyrecovers.

“We’regonnaneedtocircle,”Guysaysflyingawayfromher.

“No…fuckthat.We’renotleavingher.”Wavescrashovertheboatandlightninglightsthesky.

Shelooksupatmescaredaswegofartherandfartherfromher.“We’llcomerightback,”Guysays

andIreact…andfuckingjump.Iwillnotmakethesamemistaketwice.Ialreadyleftheronce,I’mnot

leavingheragain.Mybodyplummetsthroughtheaircrashingintotheoceanlikearock.Ifightmy

waytothesurface;thewavesareoverbearing,crashingovermeeverytimeIthinkI’mclear.

ThenIspotCameron,wavingherarmsbackandforth.She’sfarawayfromme,butIkeep

swimmingtoher,‘causemylifedependsonit.Sheismylife.

Reachingtheboat,exhausted,she’slyingoveritandstretchingforme.Therainissuddenly

dumpingdownhardanditmakesitimpossibletoclimbupontheboat.“Whatwereyouthinking?”

sheshoutsasIstruggle.

Idon’tanswerher,insteadIkeepfightingtogetupontheboat,butrealizeasthestormisupon

us,thatIcan’t.Lookingaround,thecloudsarethedarkestI’veeverseenthemandItellher,“You

needtogetinthewaterwithme.”

“Why?”sheasks,panicked,asawavehitsherbackandthrowsherin.Herfingernailsdiginto

myarmandIpullherup.“Thisstormiscomingrightatus.Wehavetogoundertheboat.”

“No.”Shehastearsinhereyes.“They’llberightback,theywon’tleaveus.”

ShelooksupattheskyandIdothesame,ourbodieskeepsmashingagainsttheboat.Afeeling

ofdisillusionmentwashesoverme.“Theyaren’tcomingback,baby.Thehelicopterwillcrash.”

“Yes,theyare!”sheshouts.

“Cam.”WatersplashesintomymouthandIspititout.“Theyaren’tcomingbackandI’mnot

goingtoletanythinghappentoyou,nowgetundertheboat.It’sstillfloating,sothere’sanairpocket

wecanseekshelterin.”

“Andwhatiftheycomeback?”

“Thenthey’llsendateamdowntofindus,youknowthat.”Thundercracksintheskyandshe

flinches.“Go,babe!”

SheswimsbeneaththeoverturnedboatgrippingmyhandandIfollow,ourlifevestsmakingit

hardtogetundertheboat,butwedoandsureenoughthereisasmallairpocketthatwefloatright

into.Camiscrying,Icanhearher,eventhoughIcan’tseeher,andIjustholdontoherasweget

thrashedaround.

IpraytoGodandtoConnerthatwepullthroughthis.Aftereverything,whatashittywaythis

wouldbetogoout.

Chapter33

Cameron

TherainhaslightenedandI’mnotsurehowthisboathasn’tsunk…butithasn’t.Aboutanhourago,I

hadapanicattack.IthoughtIwasgoingtodiefromlackofairandrealizingthatGuyandLukearen’t

comingbackforus.Theyreallyleftusandthathurtsworsethananything.Ourjobissearchand

rescue,andherewesittwoUSCoastGuardfaithful,strandedandwaiting.

ThewavesaremakingmenauseousandNixonasksme,“Youokay?”

“Ineedair,”Itellhimandhesays,“Letmegocheckontheconditions.”

“NO!”Iscreech,knowinghoweasilywecangetseparated.“We’llgotogether.”

“Okay,”heagrees,notarguing.“Onthecountofthree,”hetellsmeandthencounts.Thesecond

thathesays“three,”Ibreatheinbeforewegounder,pushingofftheboatwithmyfeet.Aswesurface,

therainislighterandyoucanseethestormmovingaway,butthewavesarestillheavy.“Let’stryand

getontheboatusingthemotortoclimbupon.”

WemovearoundthebackandIgripit,thenNixonpushesmyassupwithonehandandIlose

contactwithhim.Rightaway,Ipanic,butI’montheboatandhe’spullinghimselfuptoo.Istraddleit

likeIfirstdidwhenIcamedown,andhedoesthesame.He’sexhausted;Icanseeitalloverhisface.

Leaningover,Iholdhishandssowestayconnectedandtellhim,“Thankyoufornotleaving

me.”

“Cam,I’llneverleaveyouagain,nomatterwhat.”

“Thankyou.”

“You’reeverythingtome.”

“Metoo.”

“Iloveyou,Cam.”

Thosethreelittlewordsarethefirsthe’seversaidtome.Weneversaiditwhenwewere

younger,eventhoughIthinkwebothfeltit.

“I…Iloveyou,too.Ialwayshave.I’msorryImadeuscometoworktoday.”

“Don’tbesorry.We’retogether,andthat’sallthatmatters.Everythinghappensforareasonand

hereweare.”

“Youreallyfeelthatway?”

“Yeah,Ido.”

Ican’tstopthetears,feelingsoemotional,solostouthere.“Arewegonnadie?”

“No,notachanceinhell.Wecouldsurviveformonths,andyouknowtheentireCoastGuardis

outlookingforus.”

“Whyhasn’tanybodycomeyet?”

“Idon’tknow,buttheywill.We’llstaywiththeboat,anditwon’tbelong.”

Inod,knowingthatheisright,butasthesunbeginstosetandnightfallisn’tfaraway…Ibegin

losinghope.

“Don’tfallasleep,baby.”Nixonshakesmebymyhands,andIblinkheavily.

“Justfiveminutes?”Iask,theswayingmotionandpureexhaustionmakingmesotired.

Thenthereitis…thesoundwe’vebeenwaitingfor.“Doyouhearthat?”heasksme.

“Yeah,it’saboat!”Webothbegintowaveourfreearmsatthesmallwatercraft,beingsurethat

wearestillholdinghandswiththeother.

Theboaterseemstobecomingrighttowardsus,butit’snottheCoastGuard.“Heseesus,”I

exclaim.

“Iknow.”

Astheboatpullsup,thereareafewfishermenonboard.“Whatareyoudoingallthewayout

here?”themandrivingitasksusinhisthicktropicalaccent.

“We’rewiththeUSCoastGuardinFloridaandwereattemptingarescuewhenwebothfell

fromouraircraft,”Nixonsays.

“You’refarfromhome,mybrother,”themansays.

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask.

“You’refivemilesoffthecoastoftheBahamas.”

“What?”Ishriek.

“TheGulfstreammust’vepulledya.Whichisagoodthing.IhearFloridaisgettinghithardby

thatstorm,”themansays.“Wecantakeyoubacktoourplace?”

“Okay,”Nixonagrees;wedon’thaveanyotheroptions.Weneedtogettosafety.

Themenhelpusclimbonboard,andI’veneverfeltbetter.

IclingtoNixonandheasksthem,“Whatareyoualldoingouthere?”

“Fishing!”Henodshisheadandanotherguyopensahugecoolerpackedwithatonoffish.

“Thankyouforstopping,”Nixonsays.“Youhavenoideahowgratefulweare.”

“Ofcourse,myman,it’swhathumansdo,wehelpeachotherout.Wereyouguysouthere

long?”

“I’mnotsure,”hesays,andthat’sthelastthingIremember…

***

“Baby,wakeup,”NixonsaysandIfighttoopenmyeyes.Theenginetotheboatcutsoffand

everyonestartstoclamberontothedock.Nixonboostsmeupasanothermangrabsaholdofmeuntil

hegivesmebacktoNixon.

Myeyesfollowthelongdockthatleadstoanoldtropicalhotel.Therearetikitorchesliningthe

walkwayandNixonsays,“Thisplaceisbeautiful,Beni.”

“Thanks,it’sbeeninmyfamilyforoverfiftyyearsnow.Thisismywife,Tama.”Weshakeher

handasshegreetsusandhesays,“Couldyousetthemupinaroomandbringthemsomefood?They

werestranded.”

Shenodsshyly,smiling.She’sagorgeouswoman,butawomanoffewwords.

I’mstillwobblyaswefollowherintotheofficeofthehotelandshegrabsakeyoffthewall,

thenleadsustoaroom.“Hereyougo,”shesaysquietly,openingthedoortothecozyspace.Right

away,Nixonlooksin,thensays,“DoyouhaveaphoneIcoulduse?”

“No,nophoneshere.”

“Isthisgood?”Beniasks,poppinghisheadinashismencarrythecoolerswithfishbehind

him.

“Yeah,um…nophonethough?”

“Oh,no.I’msorry.Ididn’teventhinkaboutthat.Wecouldtaketheboatwhereyoucanmakea

call,probablythreehours?ButitneedsgasandI’mafraidthey’reclosedforthenight.”

“What?”Ishriek,feelingsolost.Butatthesametime,ifIwastohavetogetonanotherboat,I

mightbesick.AsmuchasIlovetheocean,Idon’tthinkIcouldgonearitrightnow,evenifIhadto.

GoingthroughwhatwedidtodaywasthescariestthingI’veeverendured.

“We’llgointhemorning,”Nixonsays,“Thisisgreat.Thankyoubothsomuch.We’llpayyou

back.”

BeniandTamaclosethedoorandIslidedownthewall,sittingonthefloorwithmyknees

huddledtomychest.

“Youallright?”Nixonasksme,panicked,andIswallowthetears.NotevenknowingmyselfifI

am.

“Whatthefuckarewegonnado?”I’mstillinshockwitheverythingwe’vebeenthroughand

scaredthatnooneknowswhereweare.

Hesitsinfrontofme,restinghisarmsonhiskneesandsays,“Wehaveaplan,we’llcallhome

inthemorning.Weshouldfeelveryluckytobeonlandandsafeandtogether.”

“What’sthechancethattheonepersonwhofindsushasnowaytocontactanyone?Whatabout

onhisboat,doeshehaveafuckingradio?”

“Ilooked,Cam,andhedoesn’t,butwhocares?Theyleftus,theycanwait‘tilmorning.”

“Nixon!”

“I’msorry.It’sgoingtobeokay,babe.We’resafenow.Ifbackhomeisgettinghitbythestorm,

thentheycan’tsearchforusandareprobablywithoutpowertoo.”

“Theyaregoingtobeworriedsick.”

“Good.Theyfuckingdeserveit.Theyabandonedus.”

Istillcan’tbelievethatLukeandGuyactuallyleftus.OurnumberoneruleintheCoastGuard

istolookafteryourteam.

Reachingdown,heunzipsmyvestandsays,“Let’sgetyououtoftheseclothes.”Iagreeandlet

Nixonhelpmestandsohecanundressme.I’mwobblyashetakesallofmylayersoffandoncehe

finallyputstherobefrombehindthedooronmehesays,“Whydon’tyouliedown?”AndIcouldn’t

wantitmore.

“Howareyousosteady?”Iask.

“I’maSEAL,babe,Ilivedinandonthewaterforfouryears.”

Hetakesanextrablanketoutoftheclosetandwrapsmeinit.Hestripsnakedandwrapsatowel

aroundhiswaist.Thenpullsthecoversbackandliesdownhimself.Justthenthereisaknockonthe

doorandheanswersit.Tamahasahugetrayoffoodandsetsitonthebedinfrontofme.“Westayin

roomtwo,ifyouneedanything.”

“Okay,thankyouverymuch,”Itellher.

SheleavesandIgrabsomethingfriedofftheplateshovingitintomymouth.

Nixonsmiles,watchingmeeatit,thendoesthesame.“Arethoseconchfritters?”

“Idon’tknow,butthey’resogood.”

Weeatinsilence,notreallysayingmuch.Mymindisracingsofast,Icouldn’tmakeacoherent

statementifItried.Aftereverythingthatwewentthroughtoday,fromalmostdyingtonowbeing

secludedandstrandedonatropicalisland,Ican’thelpbutfeelthereissomeoneorsomethingbehind

allofthis.

Chapter34

Nixon

ThesunisbarelylightingthemorningskyandIfindmyselfwatchingCameron,feelinggratefulthat

we’reheretogether.I’veneverbeenmorepleasedwitharashdecisioninmylife.

She’ssocalmandgorgeous.AllIwanttodoismakeherhappy.Shepassedouthardafterabath

lastnight.

Thinkingbackonthings,Ididn’tquestionjumpingforonesecond.Hell…Ididn’teventhink

aboutit,mybodyjustdidit,themagnetofourconnectionalwayskeepingusclose.There’salight

knockonthedoor,andIgetup,wrappingatowelbackaroundmywaist.WhenIopenit,thereisno

oneoutside,Ilookineitherdirection,butdon’tseeanyone.Thenontheground,Ispotsomeclothes

andanote,Breakfastbeginsat7:00am.Wecantaketheboatat9:00am.

Bringingintheclothes,thesoundofthedoorclosingwakesCamandIfeelbad.“Sorry,baby,”

Itellher.

“It’sokay.Everythingallright?”

“Yeah,Tamamust’vedroppedoffsomeclothes.”

Shesmilesandliftsthecovers.Iclimbbackin,gettingclosetoher,nosetonose,andshesays

tome,“Pleasetellmeeverythingthathappenedyesterdaywasadream.”

Ismirkandplayalongwithher,“Sure…itwasalladream,baby.Don’tyourememberwegot

marriedandareonourhoneymoon?”

Shegrinshappilyandkissesme.“Ilikethesoundofthat.”Thenshepullsmeontopofher.My

cockishardandmybreathingisrough,wantingher,thensheurgesmeon,andIpushmyselfinside

ofhertightlittlecunt.GruntingasIcupherface,Ipumpmyhips.

“Mmmhhh,”shemoans,spreadingherlegswide,andinthisinstant,Iletalltheworry,regrets,

andwhat-ifsgo,livinginthemoment,thewaysheandIdecidedwhenIfirstcameback.

Herpussyistightandsheholdsmydickhardwitheverypushandpull.Mylipsmovetoher

neckwhereIgetcarriedawaysuckingonher.“Ohfuck,”shewhines,andIcoverhermouthwithmy

hand,assumingthewallstothisplacearepaper-thin.

LeaningupasIfuckherandtrytokeepherandthebedquiet,Itakeinherbeauty,lovinghow

herbodytensesassheorgasmsandhowrighteverythingfeels.ThenIletgo,cominghard,milking

everybitofmyselfinsideher.Shelooksbackatmeunsureandsaystome,“Ididn’ttakemybirth

controllastnight.”

“Okay,”Irespondcoolly,herwordsnotbotheringmeintheslightest.Thetruthis,Iwant

everythingthatthereisandmorewithher,andonlyher…sheismyforever.

“Doesitbotheryou?”sheasksme.

“No…notatall.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.Cam…you…you’remyfuture.Withyoubymyside,everythingisright,andifthat

meanswe’remeanttohavekids,thensobeit,baby.”

ShekissesmylipsandthenIpulloutofher.LookingthroughtheclothesthatTamabrought,I

slideontheboardshortsandt-shirtthatarealittlesmall,andCamslipsonthedress.“Youfeeling

okay?”Iaskherasshestands.

“Yeah,waybetter.”

“Good.”

Afterbreakfast,wewanderaroundthisamazingplaceandfindahammockhiddenbeneath

somebananatrees.

“Let’sliedown.”Islideinandshenestlesinagainstmychest.Theheatofthedayisperfect,the

birdsarechirping.

“It’sbeautifulhere.”

“Itis.Icouldlivehere,”Itellher.

“Metoo.Whatifwestayedhereanddidn’tgobacktoFlorida?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Iask,perplexedbyherquestion.

“WhatifwebothquittheCoastGuardjobsandlivedhere?Ihavealmostahundredgrandsaved

upthatIwasgonnausetobuyahouse.Wecouldstartalifedownherewithit.”

“Wouldyoureallywantto?”

“Nixon,whatIknowis,whenyouleftmeallthoseyearsago,Iwasheartbrokenandnever

thoughtI’dseeyouagain,orgetasecondchance.ThenGodbroughtyoubackintomylife.Now…

afterlosingmybrotherandusalmostdyingyesterday,thenwindingupinthisbeautifulplace,Ican’t

helpbutthinkthatit’sgottadowithfate.Whywouldweleavehere?Weendeduphere,together,fora

reason.”

IthinkaboutherwordsandIagreewithher.Sheisrightonsomanylevelsthatit’sscary.But…

upandleavingourlivesinFloridatoliveintheBahamas,isthatevencrazier?

“Howwoulditevenwork?”Iaskher.

“Onedayatatime,baby…”shesaystome.Ourmotto…it’sworkedthusfar.WhichiswhatI

wasthinkingthismorning.Thewaywethinkalike,it’ssomethingelse.Lookingoutatthevastviews.

Iimaginehavingeverysinglewakingmomenttogether,andthat…thatfeelssoright.

Epilogue

Cameron

1yearlater

StaringatapictureofNixonandmewithGuyandLuke,Imissthem,butIalsoknowinlifethehardest

decisionsdon’tcomeeasy.

Theytriedtocomebackforus,butthestormwastoostrong.Theywould’vedied,andhadthat

happened,Idon’tknowhowIcould’velivedwithmyself.

Ionlyhaveoneregretinlifeandthat’snotbeingabletoshareallofthiswithConner.But…

that’salsooneofthereasonswhyIfollowedmygutwhenweendeduphere.Itrulybelieveithappened

forareasonandthatthisiswhereNixonandIaremeanttobe.

WhenNixoncamebackintomylifehewasinaroughplaceandgavezerof*cksaboutwherehis

lifewasgoing.He’dgivenuponanychancesofsavingwhoheusedtobe.Butastimepassed,theold

NixonthatI'dalwaysknownandlovedcreptbacktothesurface.

There’snorulebooktolife,orrightorwrongwaytodothings.Yourlifeisasyoucreateit,and

thedecisionsthatyoumakethroughoutit.

LetmeshowyouwhatNixonandIchose…

“Didyoufeedthechickenstoday?”IaskNixonandheshakeshisheadashechopsdownastalk

ofbananas.Theycomeflyingtowardshisheadandheswiftlycatchesthem.Grabbingthebagoffeed,

Isprinkleitontheground,myweddingringglimmeringinthesettingsunlight.Thechickens

surroundmeasIlookoutatthewater,seeingifIcanspotmyparentsyet.Theyshouldbehereany

minute,andIfeellikeIhaven’tseentheminages.

“Igotthebananas.Doyouwantanythingelse?”

“Canyoupicksomelemons?Iwanttomakelemonadeformydad.”

“Sure,babe.”HeswatsmyasswiththeendofhismacheteandIjump,laughing.Livinghere

withhimreallyisadreamcometrue.Eachdayisanewadventure.

AsscaryasitwastosaygoodbyeandleavetheonlyplacethatI’veevercalledhome,Iknewit

wastherightdecision.

“Hello,Mrs.Cameron,”Benisays,bringingoverfreshfish,whichhecaughttoday,andIthink

it’sthelastofwhatweneedbeforemyparentsgethere.

“HiBeni,whatdidyouget?”Ikisshischeekandhesticksitinourfreezer.“Mahi,cobia,and

redsnapper.”

“Nice,thankyou.”

“Where’sNixon?”

“Pickinglemons.”

BeniandIwalkaroundthepropertytofindNixonpluckingoffalltheperfectlyripelemons

fromthetopofthetree.“Hey,bro,”theguysshakehandsandBenistartstohelp.ThenIlookoutat

thewaterandspotthem.“They’rehere,”Ishout.

NixonandBenistoppickingandweheaddowntothedock.Nixonholdsmyhandandsteadies

meontheway.Astheirhugesailboatpullsuptoourdock,mydadtossesalinetoBeni,whotiesit

securely,andIcanseethetearsofjoyinmydad’seyesashelooksatme.Mymomisalreadycrying

assherushesofftheboatandgrabsmebythecheeks.“Cameron,youlookstunning.”

Ismile,embracingher,havingmissedmymom’sarmsaroundmemorethanIcouldimagine.

“Andhuge,”Itellher.

Sherubsmyroundstomachandsays,“That’snonsense.Youarebeautiful.Areyousurethere’s

nottwobabiesinthere,though?”

“I’msure,Mom.Daddy!”IexclaimafterNixon,Beni,andhimallgreetandheholdsmetightly.

“Howareyou,babygirl?”heasksme.

“I’mgreat.”

“It’samazinghere!”mymomsays.

“We’reveryluckytolivehereandthankfultoBeniandhiswifeforeverything.”

Benismilesandsays,“Wefoundyaforareason.Mr.andMrs.Hollis,itwasapleasure.”

Myparentssmileathimandmydadshakeshishandsaying,“Thankyouforsavingmylittle

girl’slife.”

Henodsandthenheadsuptohisplace,whichisdowntheroadfromours.WhenwetoldBeni

thatwewereinterestedinmovinghere,hesaidhehadsomelandhecouldsellus.Aftertheguys

bustedtheirassfixingupthelittlehouseonit,hereweare.

Walkinguptoourtinylittlebeachfrontbungalow,mymomexclaims,“It’sperfect!”andwe

headinside.

“It’snotyourtraditionalhome.”

“Andyouthinkourboatis?”mymomasks.

Ishowmyparentsaroundandtheyloveourhomeandasthefourofusstrolltotheedgeofour

property,mydadasksme,“Isthatit?”

Inod,tearsprickingmyeyesasheandmymomwalkaheadofNixonandmehandinhand,toa

benchwebuiltforConneroutofoneofhissurfboards.Myparentsobserveit,likeit’shim,andina

way,itis.SittingonthatbenchiswhereIfeelclosesttohim.Nixonwipesmytearsaway,andIlook

upintohislovingeyes.

“Don’tcry,baby.”Heleansdownkissingmetenderly,alwaysknowinghowtohelpme.Ashis

freehandisrestingonmystomachourbabykicksrightwherehishandis.Hepullsawayandsays,

“Really?”

“Ithinkshe’sfeistytoday.”

“Justlikehermom,”hesaysandIglanceatmyparentswhoarebothsittingonthebench

lookingoutatthevastview.

“Thankyouforallofthis,”Itellhim,knowinghowhardhe’sworkedtonotonlyget

everythingreadyformyparentstocomevisit—buildingthebenchbeingoneofthemanythingshe’s

done—butalsotomakethisdreamofminecometrue.

Thinkingbackoneverythingwe’vebeenthrough,IneverthoughtI’dsaythis,butIwouldn’t

changeathingaboutthepast.BecauseifIdid,itcouldriskthecourseofhowthingsturnedout.

Deepdown,IalwaysknewNixonandIwouldenduptogether,itwasjustafighttogethere,a

fightwellworthitandnowwe’relivingeachdaytothefullest.

Acknowledgements

Mr.Prezident,youaretheworld’sbesthusband.Thankyouforbeingmypartnerthroughitall.These

storieswouldnotbewhattheyarewithoutyou,ZeroF*cksincluded.Thankyouforalwaysloving

me,evenduringmyditzymoments,guidingme,andnevergoingeasyonme.Iloveyou,babe.

Lisa,I’vetoldyoubeforeandI’llsayitagain,youarearemarkableeditor.Icanespeciallysee

itinthewaythisstoryturnedout.Thankyouforpushingmetobeabetterwriterandalways

supportingmeandworkingsohardtomakethesestoriesthebesttheycanbe.

LeticiaandJanice,thankyouforalwayshavingmybackandhelpingmeundermycrazytime

constraints,thisoneespecially.YouperfectthesebooksandarethebestteamofproofreadersIcould

askfor.

Crystal,youaresuchanawesomePAandatruegiftfromGod.Iloveallthatyoudoandwant

youtoknowhowthankfulIamforeverything;I’msoblessedtoworkwithyou.

TomyARCteam,crazies,andpimpettes,eachandeverysingleoneofyoumakesadifference

inwhatIdoandareallsoinstrumentalinthesuccessofeachoneofmybooks.Thankyouforyour

undyingsupport.Itmeanstheworldtome.

Last,butnotleast,thereaders,reviewers,andbloggers.Iwanttothankyouallfromthebottom

ofmyheartforreadingZeroF*cks.IhopeyoulovedNixonandCameron’sstoryasmuchasIloved

writingit.Besuretocheckoutmyotherbookshere

www.amazon.com/author/lkcollins

andformy

upcomingreleases,headovertomywebsite

www.authorlkcollins.com

Document Outline

Dedication
Chapter 1
- Cameron
Chapter 2
- Nixon
Chapter 3
- Cameron
Chapter 4
- Nixon
Chapter 5
- Cameron
Chapter 6
- Nixon
Chapter 7
- Cameron
Chapter 8
- Nixon
Chapter 9
- Cameron
Chapter 10
- Nixon
Chapter 11
- Cameron
Chapter 12
- Nixon
Chapter 13
- Cameron
Chapter 14
- Nixon
Chapter 15
- Cameron
Chapter 16
- Nixon
Chapter 17
- Cameron
Chapter 18
- Nixon
Chapter 19
- Cameron
Chapter 20
- Nixon
Chapter 21
- Cameron
Chapter 22
- Nixon
Chapter 23
- Cameron
Chapter 24
- Nixon
Chapter 25
- Cameron
Chapter 26
- Nixon
Chapter 27
- Cameron
Chapter 28
- Nixon
Chapter 29
- Cameron
Chapter 30
- Nixon
Chapter 31
- Cameron
Chapter 32
- Nixon
Chapter 33
- Cameron
Chapter 34
- Nixon
Epilogue
- Cameron
Acknowledgements

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