Heidi Champa White Out

HITE

…“You wanna get fucked, don’t you? You wanna come with my

big cock in your tight ass?”

“God, yes, Ryan. I want you to fuck me. Please, fuck my ass.”
“Wow, didn’t have any trouble that time, did you, kid?”
I watched him cross the room and dig in his desk drawer. He had

taken off his boxers, so I could see his hard cock jutting straight out in
front of him. It was bigger than any I had ever seen before, and my
own cock hardened at the prospect. He returned to the bed, grabbing
me by the hips and moving me forward. I heard the pop of the lube top
open, and soon the warm press of his tongue became the cool slide of
his lubed fingers. He was patient, working me open a bit at a time with
his sawing fingers. My discomfort faded fast, replaced with deep need.
Just as I got used to his intrusion, he was gone.

I heard the familiar crinkle of the condom wrapper and held my

breath, waiting for him to roll it on. The unyielding press of his cock
against my asshole forced me to breathe again. Ryan gasped right
along with me when I felt my sphincter give way and let him in fully.
The fingers that had been digging bruises into my hips released,
making my cock swell more in my stroking hand.

I knew I wouldn’t last long, and when he started moving inside my

ass in deep, measured strokes, I cried out louder than I intended to. He
wanted me to feel every inch, taking his time to pull almost all the way
out before plunging back in to the root. I squeezed my eyes shut,
perspiration flushing my face and back as I took him…

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HEIDI CHAMPA

MBER

UILL

RESS

, LLC

http://www.AmberQuill.com

HITE

MBER

UILL

RESS

OOK

This book is a work of fiction.

All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the

author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales,

or events is entirely coincidental.

Amber Quill Press, LLC

http://www.AmberQuill.com

No portion of this book may be transmitted or

reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in

writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief

excerpts used for the purposes of review.

ISBN 978-1-60272-733-5

Layout and Formatting provided by: Elemental Alchemy

PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

For Anthony, my Question Four.

Thanks and appreciation to all my family and friends

for their unconditional love and support.

I couldn’t do any of this without you.

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CHAPTER 1

“I still can’t believe you’re doing this, Cameron. You must be

crazy.”

“Thanks for your support, Dave. It really means a lot.”
“Hey, that’s what brothers are for. Now, did you remember to

pack that thermal underwear Mom bought? She’d be so
disappointed if you didn’t take it.”

“Fuck off.”
“I’m just trying to protect you from certain doom. Do you

know how freaking cold it is in Antarctica, Cam?”

“Yes, Dave. I think I’ve read that somewhere.”
I laughed at my own lame joke, but despite my temporary

merriment, my stomach tightened at the thought frigid cold air
would soon surround me.

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“Keep laughing, dickhead. You’ll be sorry soon enough.”
I stared down at my overstuffed suitcase and wondered one

more time if I was making a huge mistake. As I slipped two more
pairs of thermal socks in with the rest of my clothes, I huffed out a
resigned sigh. Going to Antarctica seemed like a really great idea a
few months ago. But now the departure date was right around the
corner, I began to regret my rather spontaneous decision to run
away from it all. I had told myself and everyone else it was a great
opportunity, a once in a lifetime chance to see a continent no one
ever saw and do some great environmental research.

My resume would be that much more impressive when

compared to all other candidates. Most people in my specialty
would kill for the job, a job that would open up many doors upon
my return home. I knew all those reasons were valid, but they
weren’t the real reasons I was hopping on a plane in three days’
time. The real reason was my need to put some distance between
Avery and me. Dave was one of the few who knew the truth.

“You know he’s not worth it, Cam. I’ve been trying to tell you

that for a while. It’s one thing if you want to save the world, but is
this really the only way you can do it? I mean, you’re making a big
commitment here. You know that, right?”

I turned my back on my brother, unable to bear the concerned

look on his face for another second. He said his words with love,
but they stung like lemon juice on a fresh cut. Except the wound
wasn’t fresh anymore. It had been months since the break-up, since
Avery had cut me out of his life, but nothing had taken the pain
away. Dave’s enthusiasm on the subject was nice, but it didn’t
help.

“I appreciate it, Dave. I really do, but this isn’t all about him.

It’s about me, too. It really is. I need to get away from here. If I can

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do that and help myself out in the process, I’d be a fool not to go.
It’s not forever. Just six months out of my life. I’ll be back and I’ll
be good as new. You’ll see. Besides, this work is important. If we
can analyze these ice cores, we can see how the world has heated
up and we might be able to reverse some of the damage. It’s really
important stuff.”

“If you say so. God, you’re such an incredible geek…you know

that, right? Just remember to have some fun while you’re away,
okay? There has to be other stuff to do there besides crunch
numbers and look at blocks of fucking ice. Maybe you’ll meet
someone. Or at the very least, hook up.”

“I’m not looking to hook up. I’m there to work. Meeting

someone is the last thing on my mind.”

“Sure. Right. You’re so high-minded. Okay, fine. Maybe just a

blowjob.”

“Dave!”
“Okay, sorry. Just promise me you’ll try and enjoy yourself,

okay?”

“I promise.”
“I’m going to miss you. Don’t freeze to death while you’re

down there.”

“I’ll try not to, big brother. I’ll try not to.”
Dave shoved me, knocking me onto the overstuffed suitcase,

packed full of things to keep me warm. I couldn’t help but shiver,
however, at the prospect of miles and miles of snow and ice.
Somehow, though, thousands of miles still didn’t feel like far
enough away from Avery or far enough to heal my broken heart.

* * *

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The plane shook violently, and I felt my stomach lurch yet

again. The last leg of my trip had proven to be the most difficult,
just like the brochure said. The plane steadied, but my nerves were
fried. I was exhausted, having traveled for over twenty-four hours,
and my brain was too busy spinning to allow me any sleep. I just
kept turning the last few years over in my mind, wondering how it
all went wrong. Two years of my life with Avery, and all I had to
show for it was a few pictures and a lot of bad feelings. Avery had
gotten exactly what he wanted, and I got dumped.

I stared out the window into the dark night, unable to erase

Avery from my memory. Flashes from my past kept creeping into
my thoughts, scenes from my time spent with him. I sipped my
water and went over it again and again.

No matter what happened in Antarctica, or when I got back, I

knew one thing. I was swearing off falling in love. It was just too
dangerous. I guess that was the most important lesson Avery had
ever taught me.

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CHAPTER 2

Avery Phillips was brilliant and knew it. His legend preceded

him to college, all the way from the small town in Wisconsin
where he grew up. He was the boy wonder who graduated two
years early from high school, the valedictorian at sixteen years old.
He had his choice of Ivy League schools and settled on Princeton
after they wooed him the hardest. I had heard all about him before
we ever set foot on campus, but I had no idea how cute he was
until he walked into my classroom and into my life.

I was smitten immediately when they paired us together in our

Organic Chemistry class. The whole class wanted to be his partner,
but through the dumb luck of the alphabet, I, Cameron Phelps, got
to work with the amazing Avery Phillips. All the eyes in the room
shot me jealous looks when Avery pulled out the chair next to me.

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I tried to stay calm, to act unaffected, but it didn’t quite come off. I
rubbed my sweaty hands on my jeans and looked up at Avery with
a shy smile. Avery oozed confidence, as if nothing that lay before
him was scary or difficult. It was that confidence that made me
envious, but also made Avery all the more attractive to me.

Avery’s voice cut right through me, sounding so much more

mature than most of the other guys in our freshman class, despite
his younger age. I could still remember the first words he spoke to
me, and how his loopy smile sent a shot of blood right to my cock.

“Looks like we’re stuck with each other. I’m Avery.”
I was desperate to sound cool, but my brain didn’t cooperate

with my desires. My response wasn’t witty, but at least my voice
didn’t crack. “I know.”

Avery just smiled and dropped his bag on the table in front of

us, and class returned to normal. He intimidated me, not only with
his reputation, but also with his grasp of the material. From day
one, Avery seemed light years ahead of everyone in the class,
except for the teacher, of course. I relied on him to get me through
the tough stuff, and Avery relished the attention, not only from me,
but also from almost everyone else in the room. He thought it was
funny how they all fell over themselves to be his friend and how
much he was able to get away with because of his reputation.

We stuck together through class after class, both of us heading

in the same direction, towards a degree in Environmental Sciences.
Avery, of course, was double majoring, throwing in Marine
Biology for good measure. It had less to do with saving whales and
more to do with maximizing his potential to find the most
advantageous fellowship for his doctoral program. I was less
focused, as I had been from the beginning, but I couldn’t help but
be swept up in Avery’s enthusiasm and zeal. I spent my time on

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climate change and global warming, trying to save the world one
carbon count at a time. Avery called me an idealist, but I always
took it as a compliment.

By the time the end of our senior year rolled around, we were

inseparable, plotting our graduate school plans and studying non-
stop for finals. The stress was eating Avery alive, all the pressure
of expectation finally starting to wear on him. I was much less
worried, happy to accept the occasional “B” if it meant I could stay
sane. Avery’s perfect GPA was starting to take on a life of its own,
and he was pushing himself night and day. I tried to help, but it
only seemed to make things worse. No one ever saw this side of
Avery—the scared side or the insecure side. I was the only one he
let his guard down with, and it was a role I happily played.

“Why don’t you take a break, Avery? You’re going to give

yourself a heart attack. Then how will you take your tests?”

Avery threw a pillow in my direction, but it hit the wall instead

of me, his intended target. The papers strewn in front of him
rustled a bit, sliding across the cheap linoleum floor. I was hoping
for a smile, but instead I got a deep sigh and more head shaking
from him.

“That’s easy for you to say, Cam. You seem like you’re going

to make it no matter what. I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know if
I have what it takes to get this done. Maybe I should just admit
I’ve been a fraud this whole time.”

It was typical melodrama, but I played along for a bit.

Indulging him was the quickest way to get him to shut up and
move on. By now, I knew just how to play it.

“Come on, you know you are going to ace the tests. You don’t

have to put yourself through this every freaking time. You’re
Avery Phillips, for fuck’s sake. They’re not going to fail you. It

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would just make them look bad.”

I started to laugh, but it died when I saw Avery’s face fall. He

slumped his shoulders and started to shake. If I didn’t know better,
I’d have thought he was crying. I had never seen Avery cry before,
not once in all the years we had known each other. When I saw
tears running down Avery’s flushed cheeks, I could hardly believe
it. I dropped to the floor next to him and wrapped my arms around
his shoulders. Much to my surprise, Avery grabbed onto me and
wouldn’t let go. His face was warm and wet against my shoulder,
and I could feel his chest rising and falling quickly.

“Hey, come on, man. I was just kidding. It’s going to be all

right. You know that, Avery.”

Despite his muffled voice, I could make out every word he

said.

“I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m so tired of

everyone thinking my life is so easy because of who I am. I still
have to work. I still struggle. What if I fail? What if I fuck it all
up?”

I pulled back and made Avery look at me. I brushed the stray

hair off his forehead and said the only thing I could think of. I
didn’t know if it would comfort him, but I knew I had to try.

“You’re going to be fine. I know you can do this. I believe in

you. It isn’t about who you are. You know this shit inside and out.
You just have to go in there and do your best; the rest will take
care of itself.”

“God, Cam, what would I do without you?”
“Probably fall apart. Luckily for you, we’re heading to the

same grad school or you’d be screwed.”

I laughed, but Avery didn’t join me. His weak smile told me he

knew I was joking, but the sadness behind his eyes remained.

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He looked into my eyes and suddenly everything changed. The

air between us seemed filled with an electrical charge, and I was
afraid to move, afraid to push us too far. I tried to pull away, to
create some space between the two of us again, but Avery
wouldn’t let go. Instead, he pulled me into a kiss. I was frozen for
a time, my brain at war with itself, divided equally between
wanting to kiss him back and wanting to stop everything right in its
tracks. I couldn’t bring myself to stop him, my body starting to
respond without any conscious thought. I kissed him back, the feel
of his lips on mine short-circuiting everything else spinning in my
mind. I pressed my hands into Avery, feeling his back flex under
my fingertips. For a moment, I was lost and couldn’t do anything
but feel as Avery slipped his tongue into my mouth. It was the
moment I’d secretly wished for since Organic Chem class, the
moment I thought would never come. It felt amazing. Amazing and
scary. My fear refused to go away completely and logic took over
all too soon. I pulled away, afraid of going any farther. After all,
we were best friends.

Ruining that friendship was the last thing I wanted, and no

matter how good kissing Avery felt, it wasn’t worth destroying
what we had. I got up from the floor, unable to be so close to
Avery after the kiss. I should have known he wouldn’t let me off
the hook that easily, and I tried not to bristle when I felt a hand on
my shoulder.

“Cam, what’s wrong? I thought you wanted to. I mean, it

always seemed like you did. I thought…I mean it always seemed
like you had a little thing for me. So, do you want to take this
farther? Or don’t you feel the same way I do?”

“I do. I mean, I think I do. It’s just a big step, you know. I

mean, you’re my best friend. Maybe we shouldn’t fuck with that.”

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“Bad joke, Cam.”
“You know what I mean. It’s just…well, it’s one thing to think

about it or daydream about it. It’s another thing entirely to change
what we have. What if reality can’t measure up?”

Avery turned me to face him, forcing me to meet his eyes. He

wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me close, not
letting me move away.

“I don’t want to stop being your friend, but I want to be more

than that to each other. I’ve wanted more than just your friendship
for a while now, but I never knew how to say it. I’ve thought about
it for a long time. I thought you wanted that, too. Am I wrong? I’m
usually pretty good at reading you, and I could’ve sworn you and I
were on the same page. You want more, too, don’t you?”

I wanted to lie, to tell him that I didn’t feel anything more than

friendship for him. My first instinct was to deny it all and run
away. Or better yet, to go back to a few minutes ago when
everything made sense. But when I looked into those perfect blue
eyes, I knew I had to tell Avery the truth. I had no choice but to
confess what I had been hiding all these years. Obviously, I hadn’t
hidden it very well. I just hoped Avery was as serious as he
sounded, as serious as I was about my feelings.

“Yes. I do want that. More than anything. I’ve wanted that

from the first moment I saw you. I guess I’m just scared. I know it
sounds corny, but this is a big deal for me, Avery.”

“I’m scared, too. After that kiss, though, I know I can’t go back

to being just friends with you. I mean, can you? I need you. I
always have. And, right now, I need you more than anything in the
world. Please, Cam.”

“I don’t want to go back, either.”
“Then, what do you want?”

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“I want you to kiss me again, Avery. Please.”
My voice was barely a whisper, my throat constricted with a

mix of fear and anticipation. This was it. Avery had said it best;
there was no turning back. I closed my eyes, just for a moment,
and tried to calm the pounding of my heart, trusting Avery one
more time.

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CHAPTER 3

Avery turned off the lights, gripping onto the ratty T-shirt I

wore, and smiled at my words. He leaned forward, his lips just an
inch away from mine. It seemed like time had stopped. Despite my
desires for Avery, my mind still urged caution. There was a part of
me that felt Avery was out of my league; too much for someone
like me to handle. But the feeling of moist, warm lips on mine
quieted the last of my logical reasons. Our tongues met and twined
with eagerness, our hands equally curious, moving over each other
with frantic need. That ratty shirt I loved fell to the floor as Avery
led me across the room to his unmade bed. The contact between
our mouths broke for just a few seconds as Avery playfully shoved
me back onto the bed and pulled his own shirt over his head.

I had seen Avery’s chest before, many times. This time,

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however, in the dim light of our dorm room, with the promise of
what lay ahead, I could barely breathe at the sight of it. My cock
ached as I watched him shuck off his pants and stand completely
naked in front of me. His cock was hard and pointing straight out;
my eyes having no choice but to follow its subtle motion. It was
perfect, thick, and uncut. It was the first time I had ever seen an
uncircumcised penis in my life, and I liked it. He stroked it,
absentmindedly, and I watched in awe as the foreskin slid and
retracted, revealing the swollen head.

The well-defined muscles of a jock housed the mind of a

genius, and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy toward
Avery and all his gifts. I didn’t want to question my feelings
anymore. I just wanted to enjoy it. I loved Avery, and even though
he didn’t choose those words, I was sure Avery loved me, too. I
brought my eyes back to his and found him smiling. He moved
closer, taking his time with each step.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Cam?”
“I can’t help it. You’re beautiful.”
“And you’re too sweet for your own good.”
With Avery on top of me, I let my eyes close, content to let him

take over, let his mouth roam all over my chest. Avery knew me
well enough to find all my hot spots, focusing most of his attention
on the tightening buds of my nipples. All those deep, dark secrets
that I had confided in Avery were coming back to haunt me, my
own words were ammunition now being used to torture me with
pleasure. I had shared far too many fevered thoughts during our
late night talks for him not to know exactly what I liked.

When I felt the scrape of teeth on my nipple for the first time, I

arched under him, my cock growing impossibly hard. I looked up
at him, our eyes locking for a few seconds. Without releasing my

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nipple, Avery mumbled out a question between clenched teeth.

“Is this okay?”
I swallowed, hoping to find my voice again, but I was too far

gone to talk. I managed a weak nod before letting my head fall
back against the pillow. It smelled like Avery and the spicy scent
of his shampoo, a potent cocktail that made me swoon. While
Avery pulled at my nipple again with his teeth, I felt him opening
my pants, slowly yanking the zipper down as he flicked his tongue
over the captured flesh, the pain and pleasure mixing brilliantly. I
held his head in place, relishing each concentrated sensation, as my
pants slid down my legs, leaving my hard cock straining against
my black briefs.

Avery diverted his attention from my battered nipple, kissing

down my trembling stomach until he reached the waistband of my
briefs. I held my breath in anticipation of what came next, but he
surprised me by running his hot mouth over my cock through the
cotton fabric. I pushed my hips up, trying to get him to take pity on
me and release my cock. I even tried to reach down myself, but my
wrists were soon pinned, Avery not willing to give up any control.
The tease continued until I spoke, trying to push him forward with
my words.

“Avery, please.”
He pulled his head up and looked at me, smirking at my

pleading eyes as he ran his tongue again over the length of my
covered cock. I groaned, unable to stop myself from reacting to the
way Avery looked between my legs. Avery tried to look innocent,
like he had no idea what he was doing to me, but that only made
me more excited.

“Please, what, Cam?”
I pushed with my hips again, but Avery ignored me, not giving

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in. He relented a bit, letting me off the hook.

“You want me to suck your cock, don’t you?”
That was an easy question to answer, and I found it much less

effort forming one word in my addled brain. “Yes.”

It came out with a squeak, but Avery took pity on me and slid

my briefs down, even more slowly than he had my jeans. My cock
jumped when free, but Avery’s hot mouth was there to catch it,
swallowing me down before I even knew what happened. I reached
out for him, but once again, my wrists were stuck to the bed. I
moved my hips in an effort to speed him up, but I found my
movement futile, as the pace of his mouth didn’t increase one bit.
Finally, my hands were free and I put them on Avery’s head,
running my fingers through the sandy brown locks as I gently
pushed myself deeper into his throat. I was never very vocal in
bed, always too shy to open up in that way. But with him, I
couldn’t help it.

“Oh, fuck. Fuck, Avery.”
God, it felt amazing. Better than I had ever dreamed; better

than any other blowjob ever had. Avery grabbed my thighs and
pushed my legs apart, exposing me even further. The tip of his
finger ran over my puckered asshole, sending a shudder through
my whole body. Slow, teasing circles ran around and around my
bud, matching the pace of his swirling tongue around my cock
head. I wanted to feel his finger inside me, but he didn’t do
anything more than torment me with gentle strokes.

I lifted my head so I could watch him and enjoy the sight of his

head bobbing up and down on my cock. His eyes were closed, and
every now and then, he would moan and the tickling vibrations
made my stomach turn to mush. I knew I was close to coming, and
as much as I wanted him to taste me, I was hoping he had other

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plans. After a few more sucking pulls, Avery released my cock and
met my eyes. There was a desire in them that I had never seen
before, and my heart ached just looking at him.

He shocked me by grabbing my hips and turning me over on

the bed, covering me with his body and pressing me into the
mattress. I felt his hard cock rubbing against my ass cheeks, and
his mouth nipped and kissed at my neck. His voice was gravely
and rough, sexier than I had ever heard it before.

“God, I really want to fuck you, Cam. I need you so bad.”
I pushed my head back against his shoulder, in that moment too

overwhelmed to speak. Nodding was tough enough, but I did it,
even though he hadn’t asked me a question. He kissed my shoulder
before getting up and searching for the lube and condoms I knew
he had in his nightstand drawer. I expected to feel nervous, but I
didn’t. I was too focused on what was about to happen, and how
much I wanted it. He turned toward me and smiled, frozen for a
moment.

He was back on me in a minute, his mouth planting biting

kisses on my back, his hands groping every inch of skin he could
get his hands on. When he reached my ass, his strong hands pulled
my cheeks apart, and instead of a simple finger on my asshole, this
time it was his tongue. Warm, wet and probing, he pushed the tip
inside me, and I could barely stand it. I pushed back against him,
trying desperately to feel more of him. Instead, he stopped, and
when I turned to look at him, he was lubing up his fingers.

“God, I love your ass, Cam.”
His dirty talk intoxicated me, filling me with more desire than I

had ever felt before. When his cool, wet fingers touched my ass, I
almost jumped. His touch was tender at first, coaxing me open
with slow, easy pressure.

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When I felt him enter me with a single finger, it forced a

whimper from my throat. He started moving it in and out, slowly,
getting me used to it. When I started pushing back against him,
riding on his finger, he added another one, and again let me adjust
to the stretched feeling. I could barely breathe, my cock stiffening
each time his fingers dragged across my sensitive gland. I was on
the knife-edge between it all being too much and not enough. His
voice distracted me for a moment, my brain struggling to hold it
together.

“Are you ready for me?”
“Oh, God, yes. I’m ready. Please fuck me.”
I caught my breath while waiting for Avery to get the condom

on. The fat head of his cock nudged my ass, and I took the deepest
breath I could muster. Avery ran his hands up and down my back,
gently kneading my tense muscles, in an effort to help me relax. It
worked, and I felt the residual tension leave my body, just as he
started to enter me. The slide of his cock inching into me replaced
the initial twinge of pain.

His steady hands rested on my lower back, making me feel

safe. It seemed like he would never stop pushing, that I would
never be full, but soon enough, I felt the press of his pelvis against
me, and I knew he was in to the hilt. Avery didn’t move for a
moment, his hands holding my hips in place as I wrapped my hand
around my cock, jerking it slowly in an attempt to ease the deep
ache of need inside me. Finally, Avery started to pull out, then
drove back into me with more force than I expected.

We didn’t speak, just the guttural sounds of our moans and

heavy breathing filling the room. My body was flushed with sweat
and I trembled uncontrollably from the intensity of it all. I turned
my head and looked at Avery, his expression a mix of focus and

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frenzy. He, too, was sweating, the beads leaving long lines of
moisture down his face. The tightening in my balls told me I was
too close for comfort. I wanted to keep Avery going for as long as
possible, but I couldn’t hold out much longer. Our eyes met, and
when Avery opened his mouth, I was gone for good.

“Cam, you feel so fucking amazing.”
His words cut through me like a sword and took every ounce of

my resolve away. I came all over his bed, thrusting myself back
against him as fast as I could. His hands moved up to my
shoulders, keeping me close, his orgasm causing him to scream out
in our room. All the colors of the rainbow exploded behind my
closed lids, and I felt drained as we slowed down and our
movements came to a halt. I collapsed flat onto the bed and Avery
lay on top of me, both of us breathing heavily, until he rolled away.
His chest rumbled as he spoke, the last thing I remember before
falling asleep.

“Everything’s changed, Cam. Everything will be different

now.”

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CHAPTER 4

Avery sure was right about that. Things started out great, the

two of us attending the same graduate school and living in an
apartment together. At first, I thought everything was perfect;
Avery and I were happier than we had ever been. Some weekends,
we barely left the bedroom, spending all our free time together.
But soon enough, things started to break down. Avery started to
distance himself from me, throwing more of himself into his work,
trying to find just the right place to pursue his doctoral studies. He
went from asking my opinion about everything to making his
important decisions without even telling me. Our friendly
competition took on a nasty turn, with Avery shutting me out
anytime I dared outshine him.

As much as I tried to downplay the issues and problems, they

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kept cropping up, until things came to a head during out last few
months of class. We were both trying to decide on our future, but it
had started to seem like Avery no longer thought of me as an equal
or even a peer. For every good day, there were a million bad ones,
and I began to wonder why we were still together, other than out of
habit. But I loved him and tried my best to ignore the problems. I
kept chalking it up to stress and told myself that once things settled
down, we would be back to normal. I just tried to hold on to the
old feelings, hoping they would return soon, and we could be how
we used to be.

But that didn’t happen. The last straw came right before the end

of the year, right before we were set to find out if we got our
fellowships. I had been at the lab all night, compiling some test
results I needed to finish. I finished earlier than expected and
returned home around midnight, feeling happy and hopeful that
things were finally going to work out.

I entered out apartment, expecting to hear peace and quiet and

was surprised to hear music coming from our room. The sound
coming through the walls was louder than normal, and I was just
about ready to call out to him to turn it down when I heard it.
Another guy’s laughter ran down the hall toward me. I hurried
right inside the spare room and listened. Despite my head repeating
that it was nothing, I knew immediately something was wrong. I
heard their voices as I stood trembling in the dark.

“Avery, you’re so bad. I can’t believe you applied for that

fellowship knowing it was the one he wanted. He’d probably have
gotten it, if not for you. You said he was their first choice.”

I didn’t recognize the voice, but I knew exactly what he was

talking about. The Tourent Fellowship was the one I really wanted,
and Avery knew it. He scoffed at me for applying, saying it was a

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waste of time, but I knew in my heart that he didn’t really believe
that. It had to be the one the other guy was talking about.

“I knew I’d get it, too. He was the most qualified, except for

me. There was no way they were going to pick him after seeing my
application, though. They said as much. It was a slam-dunk. They
called today to let me know”

“That’s cold, even for you. Does he know yet?”
“Not yet. And you didn’t think I was so cold an hour ago, Brett,

when I was fucking you senseless.”

“Up for another round?”
“You know it.”
My chest filled with a cold ache that ran all the way down to

my fingertips. I had heard the name Brett before. More than a few
times. Avery had started talking about him casually a few months
ago. It was now clear why. I didn’t know which hurt worse, the
betrayal of my trust with another man, or stealing my future by
getting my fellowship.

The voices stopped after that. I knew what was happening. I

ran out of the apartment and walked around for the rest of the
night, trying to figure out what to do. I returned at about five in the
morning, and Brett had gone. I stood at the doorway of the room I
shared with Avery, the scent of foreign cologne still hanging in the
air. I wondered how long ago he had left, and how long it had been
going on. I decided at that moment I could not wait until later that
morning to find out. I threw the light switch on and screamed his
name. He sat up in bed, glaring at me in the light.

“Cam, what the hell?”
“What the hell? What the hell? What do you think, Avery?”
“Are you high or something? It’s five in the morning.”
“I know.”

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“Can’t this wait until later?”
“I don’t think so. I think it needs to happen now.”
“What the hell are you raving about?”
“I heard you. With Brett. I was home early from the lab. How

long has it been going on, Avery? And, how could you apply for
the Tourent and not tell me?”

His face registered what I was saying, and that I had heard

everything he’d said. Instead of the guilt and remorse I was hoping
for, a sneer crossed his face.

“Ah, you heard that, did you? Good, saves me the time of

finding a nice way to tell you we’re over. Look, Cam, I never said
I wasn’t going to go for it. As a matter of fact, you told me to do it.
Don’t you remember? And Brett? Well, Brett was just too cute to
pass up.”

“I said that to you over a year ago, when we were both still

trying to figure everything out. Are you really going to sit there
and pull this semantics bullshit on me?”

I couldn’t even acknowledge his comments about Brett. He

kept talking, but my mind could barely comprehend it all.

“I have to think about me, Cam. That’s what I’ve always done.

That fellowship is my ticket. If they wanted someone like you,
they’d have picked you. But they didn’t, did they?”

I tried to catch my breath, but my lungs were aching with each

shallow inhalation I mustered. My heart pounded out of my chest
as I prepared to ask my next question. “So, do you love him?”

“You’re not serious, Cam. Do I love Brett?”
“Then, what? It was worth throwing us away over a few lousy

fucks?”

“I wouldn’t say lousy.” He laughed at his own joke, which only

infuriated me more.

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“You know what I mean, Avery. What about us?”
“Us. I’m tired of all this ‘us’ talk. We have to live in the real

world. Once we leave here, we’re on our own. Long distance shit
never works, not that I’d want to do that anyway. Besides, what
did you think? We were going to get married or something?”

I didn’t answer, but my face gave me away. I knew we couldn’t

legally marry, but I saw my future with Avery in it most definitely.
He clearly didn’t, not that he had ever shared that with me. Before
I could say another word, Avery laughed. It was a derogatory,
awful laugh I had only heard him direct toward other people. It
was a laugh that conveyed pity and ridicule, without saying a
word. My eyes fell, too embarrassed to look at him a minute
longer.

“Avery, how could you? After everything. How could you do

this to me?”

“Come on, Cam. You know things haven’t exactly been great

between us. And, besides, I think it’s time we both moved on.”

“Why didn’t you just say that to me? Come to me and tell me

the truth? Why did you have to sneak around and do all this behind
my back?”

Avery didn’t answer at first, but after a few long seconds, he

looked at me as if I was a stranger and spoke like a person I had
just met, not someone I had spent the last few years of my life
loving.

“Look, Cam. We had a good thing going for a while. But I’m

going places and I can’t really see us moving in the same direction.
I think us splitting up is for the best. We’re too young to be tied
down anyway, no matter what adolescent fantasy you had us in.”

I was so angry I was shaking, and he was as calm as could be.

Tears started falling, despite my attempts to stop them. The last

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thing I wanted to do was cry in front of Avery. I looked at him, and
in that moment, I realized I didn’t know him at all. He was not the
person I thought he was. All his fake confidence and bravado had
hidden who he really was—a selfish jerk. I took two steps toward
him and slapped him hard across the face. It felt so good, like
something I should have done years before. That was the only
thing that shocked him. I stood there, waiting for him to strike
back, but he didn’t.

I gave him a twisted smile, turned on my heels and walked out

of the room. I spent the rest of the morning packing my things into
whatever boxes I could find. I left in the afternoon and had Dave
pick up my furniture with his truck. I never saw Avery again. That
night, in the apartment, had said it all. If he wanted to move on,
then I was moving on as well, if not emotionally, at least
physically.

When the opportunity arose to go to Antarctica, I grabbed at it

without much thought. I decided not to let little things like danger
and loneliness get in the way of my escape. I knew it was more
than that. I wanted to go some place where no one knew me.
Antarctica was going to be my fresh start, my mulligan, my do-
over. There would be no chance of falling in love. Maybe if I were
lucky, there would be a few casual hook-ups. The new Cam Phelps
would be born, leaving the old one behind, just like Avery did. I
had no choice.

* * *

“So, what’s your story?”
A voice next to me jolted me out of my memories. My

seatmate had finally stirred to life, having slept most of the way

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like all the other sane people on the flight. I envied him his rest, as
I probably looked like hell from being up for so long. I looked at
my watch and saw that it was almost eight at night, local time. His
face was fresh, his dark hair shaggy, and if I had seen him on the
street, I would have pegged him for a classic neo-hippie. I thought
he looked like he was my age, if not a little younger. He had a
sparse beard and earlobes stretched wide by black circles of
plastic. He stared at me, waiting for an answer to his question, but I
had no idea how to respond.

“My story?”
His smile was warm and genuine, despite his crooked teeth. He

could have been cute, with a lot of work.

“Yeah, your story. Most people who come down here have one.

You have to be a wee bit crazy to come to Antarctica. Even if it is
for science.”

I cleared my throat and hesitated. Sharing the details of my

battered heart seemed a bit much so early in our conversation. I
decided to be noncommittal and vague.

“I’m doing research on ice cores and carbon dioxide levels for

the last hundred years.”

“Sounds like a hoot. I’m Jason, by the way.” He extended a

hand, his wrist wrapped in string and plastic bracelets.

I took it and let him shake my hand more vigorously than

necessary.

“I’m Cam. What about you? I assume you’re crazy, too,

Jason.”

“Double. This is my second time here. We’re tracking

migration patterns of seals and penguins, checking for effects from
global climate change. Got some good stuff last year, so now I’m
back to finish my part of the study. I came the first time because

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my girlfriend kicked me out. I needed a change of scenery and
some different perspective. Plus the research was amazing. Come
on. What did the bitch do to you?”

“I’m sorry?”
“Ninety percent of the people down here are running away

from something or someone. They think they’re going to find
something magical down here. Like it’ll solve all their problems or
they’ll meet their soul mate and fall in love or something. It’s
bullshit, if you ask me. So, what about you?”

I wondered if he could tell just by looking at me that I was

broken. Or if it was just a hunch. There was no way I was going to
talk about the situation with Avery to a stranger, so I banished him
back where he belonged and did what I had to do. Lie.

“Love? No chance of that for me. Nah, I guess I’m part of the

lucky ten percent. Just wanted to do some amazing research; try
and do my part for the planet.”

I didn’t know if it sounded cool and detached like I hoped, or

stupid and corny. But it felt good to say. He looked at me with
doubt, but didn’t call me on it. Thank God.

“Okay. Whatever you say, Cam. At least we’re going to the

same station, then. Stick with me, and I’ll show you the ropes. Do
you have a roommate yet?”

“I think so. They assigned me someone. I don’t remember his

name, though.”

“Forget that. We’ll get that changed once we land. We can

bunk together. I don’t snore and I’m very neat. Promise. I know
what I’m talking about. Some of these science geeks can be a real
pain in the ass. You seem like a good dude. I’ll help make your
cherry popping as painless as possible.”

He laughed and sipped his bottled water. I didn’t have the

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strength to object or protest Jason’s takeover of my room situation.
He seemed okay, but more than that, he seemed cool. And it had to
be better than rooming with a total stranger. He continued to prattle
on about station life and what to expect, but I couldn’t focus. My
eyes were heavy and as we started to descend, my heart climbed
into my throat as I worried again that I was making a huge mistake.

I looked out the window as the plane touched down and all I

saw was white. Even the buildings looked white, all sterile and
metal. It was surreal, like a fake model of a tiny town, covered in
plastic, flaky snow, like the kind my father would cover his train
set with every Christmas. Everyone on the plane was heading to
one of several bases in the area. Jason and I were at the main
station, doing research in conjunction with several other countries.
The rest of the people on the plane would head out to various
locations all over the sector, some going miles away to help on
more remote outposts.

Everyone looked giddy with anticipation at what lay ahead, but

I couldn’t work up that much enthusiasm. No matter how much I
told myself it was a great opportunity, the fact was, Jason was
right. I was running. There were other opportunities at other labs
that didn’t involve the chance of death. Safe, comfortable labs that
would have allowed me to do good work and make a name for
myself with going so far from home. But I chose the farthest point
on the globe from my problems and from Avery. I was sure my
devastation would subside quicker if I were out of the reach of the
rest of the world.

The plane hit the runway hard, and a small eruption of cheers

and applause broke out as we had finally arrived. The smiles and
laughter cut me, making me feel more alone than I did in Dave’s
guest room. Jason slapped me on the shoulder and let out a loud

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roar that got the crowd fired up again. I smiled, but it was weak
and I knew it. When the plane finally stopped, I reluctantly
grabbed my bag from the overhead bin and followed Jason out into
the jetway. Despite all the protection, you could still feel the cold
through the metal tube, a bracing wind whistling through the
cracks. I mindlessly moved with the herd, letting the din of voices
and suitcase wheels wash over me.

A shuttle stood ready to take most of the crowd to their final

destinations, but Jason and I shuffled inside and were met by tables
labeled “check-in.” Jason steered us to a table with two young guys
who seemed to know him instantly behind it. Jason’s voice
boomed out when he saw the two men, bringing me back to reality
for a moment.

“Davis, Randy, you shits. You guys are back, too? You never

called to let me know!”

The light-haired guy behind the table with the name Davis

written on a stick-on nametag popped up and came around to hug
Jason, their friendship evident to the rest of us first timers. After
his reunion with his two buddies, Jason got down to business.

“Hey, dudes, this is Cam. He’s with me, if you know what I

mean.”

Davis and the other guy nodded knowingly, as if I was part of

some ice-bound mafia now that Jason had vouched for me. They
quickly scrawled some things on a piece of paper, drawing a
Sharpie line through my old room assignment and handed us two
badges and two thick folders. While I thumbed through the packet,
Jason and the boys caught up. Their conversation was easy and
light and I tried my best to stay out of it.

As I stood on the sidelines, reading the pages of information

Davis had given me, I suddenly lurched forward, something big

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and sturdy knocking me into the wall and the papers right out of
my hands. The laughter was immediate, but I hardly had time to be
humiliated. A huge guy in an orange parka stopped in his tracks
and turned to look at me. His expression was blank at first, but his
eyes soon crinkled at the edges in a smile. He was big, which was
probably why he managed to hit me so hard. My papers lay
scattered all around, some of them getting wet from the monster
who’d just tracked snow and ice into the hallway. I crouched down
and grabbed as much as I could, doing my best to hide my burning
red face from everyone as they stood around and watched. I stood
up as quickly as I could, but I was too embarrassed to look
anywhere but the floor until I heard Jason’s voice.

“Jesus, Ryan, what the fuck? Watch where you’re going. You

drillers really are big oafs, aren’t you?”

“Sorry, man. I’m in a hurry.”
“It’s not me you have to apologize to, dick.”
The guy in the parka turned and looked directly at me. His eyes

had turned frosty and looked intimidating. “Sorry, kid. My fault.”

Jason continued to give Ryan shit, but he just flipped him the

bird and walked away. Jason, Davis and Randy shook their heads.

“You okay, Cam?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Sorry about Ryan. He is a real piece of work. Let’s go and get

settled.”

I followed Jason down a series of hallways to our room. He

threw open the door and said the words I had been dreading.

“Welcome to Antarctica, dude!”

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CHAPTER 5

The room looked like my first dorm room, sparse and outfitted

with bunk beds. Two metal cabinets sat against one wall, one with
Jason’s name on it and one that read Phil. Two utilitarian desks
and a small area rug completed the room. Everything looked like it
was fashioned out of metal sheets and pipes, and felt sterile like a
hospital. Army-green blankets covered the beds and matched the
worn rug perfectly.

“So, Cam, top or bottom?”
No one had ever asked me that before, at least not when it came

to beds. I assessed the situation quickly and threw my bag onto the
upper bed.

“Top.”
“Aces. I was hoping you’d say that.”

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He threw his stuff on one desk and started to unpack into the

cabinet with his name on it. Just as I unzipped my suitcase, there
was a knock at the door. It was Randy, carrying an orange pile of
fabric.

“Hey, guys. Cam, you’ll need these, and I’ll need to take Phil’s.

You really dodged a bullet, dude. Let me tell you. If Jason hadn’t
hooked you up, you’d have been stuck with Frank.”

Jason spun around and looked stunned. “No way. They put my

boy here with Frank? Oh, man, it was lucky you sat next to me on
that flight.”

I gave into my curiosity and asked, “Who’s Frank?”
The two guys laughed and both went into spontaneous

impersonations of the man. It was both hilarious and scary. Their
Frank moved robotically and had a high-pitched, nasal voice.
When they finished, they broke down in more laughter, clearly
doing their routine not so much for my benefit, but for their own.

“He’s a super pain in the ass, man. You’ll meet him. He runs

the meet and greet tomorrow. Get some sleep tonight; you’ll need
it.”

Randy grabbed the clothing meant for Phil and took off,

leaving me to wrestle with my parka and cold suit. I made quick
work of unpacking and looked around the tiny room. I spoke out
loud without meaning to. “Jesus. Dave was right. What the fuck
was I thinking coming here?”

Jason perked up, clearly smelling blood in the water. “I knew

it, dude. What’s the story?”

Again, I evaded, trying to regain my composure. “Nothing. I’m

just tired. I didn’t sleep at all on the plane.”

“Bullshit. You’re running away, and now you’re here, you

think you fucked up, right? Left someone behind? On the lam from

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the law?”

I laughed at Jason’s insistence on finding me out, but I wasn’t

going to give in that easily. I forced a smile, hoping it would be
enough to keep him at bay.

“Nothing like that, dude. I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be good as

new. What’s this meet and greet?”

Deflection was always the easiest course. I was the master at

changing the subject away from myself. Most of the time, the old
question was forgotten, and this time was no different.

“Oh, man, it’s lame as hell. First, they do the welcome speech,

then the information speech, then Frank breaks us up into groups
and we do the whole ‘getting to know you’ thing. It is always so
boring. Trust me, you’ll be rolling your eyes the whole time, but at
least then you’ll know almost everyone. It’s a small group here.
You’ll see. Anyway, dude, I’m going to hit the head and then grab
some food. You want anything?”

“Nah, I’m cool. I think I’m just going to try and get some

sleep.”

“Okay, I’ll keep it down when I come back. Don’t worry.

Everything will look better tomorrow.”

I groaned at the thought of not eating until tomorrow, but was

too tired to do anything else but sleep. I jumped up to my bunk and
lay back. Staring at the white ceiling tiles, I felt tears welling up in
my eyes. I didn’t know exactly where they were coming from. I
suddenly felt the grip of terror around my heart, the fear of the
unknown completely overwhelming me. No amount of goodwill
from Jason could stamp out the dread that filled every inch of me.
And it wasn’t even the first official day. I pulled the blanket up to
my face, hoping the fabric would make me feel safe. It didn’t.

So I let myself cry, as hard as I wanted, taking advantage of the

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privacy. I didn’t know if I would ever have it again. The tears ran
down my cheeks to the pillow, my stomach aching from the sobs
racking through my body. I thought of Avery and another round of
tears burst forth. I couldn’t outrun him, no matter how hard I tried.
He had followed me down to Antarctica and refused to give me a
moment’s peace. Part of me wanted to tell Jason, to tell anyone
how badly he’d hurt me, just to get it out of my system, but I
couldn’t. The cold ache in my chest had returned, and it felt like
my heart might burst into a thousand pieces. I don’t know how
long I cried for, but by the time the tears dried, my body was spent.

Sleep was a welcome respite from my troubles, finally coming

after so many long hours of torture. The last thought that passed
through my mind before the warm comfort of rest took me away
was a tiny glimmer of hope. Tomorrow would be better, wouldn’t
it?

* * *

I woke with a start, forgetting for a moment where the hell I

was. I looked around the dark room, my breath coming fast and
heavy. It was warm in the room, and sweat had caused my shirt to
stick to my back. The quiet was unnerving, but then I heard Jason
roll over in his bunk and I saw the clock he had set up on his desk
glowing with bright red numbers. It was four in the morning, and I
really had to pee. Unfortunately, I hadn’t taken the time to find out
where the bathrooms were before I passed out. I knew there was no
way my bladder would wait until later, so I jumped down from my
bunk, slipped on a pair of shoes and set out on a search for the
closest bathroom.

The corridors were silent, lit only by small lamps to keep the

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light dim. I heard no noise except for a distant humming sound. It
grew louder as I walked the long hall and, after a few more turns, I
came across a bathroom. I flicked on the switch and a million
fluorescent bulbs sprang to life overhead. My eyes clamped shut
automatically, and I waited a few moments before blinking them
back open.

Each step rang out in echo, my quiet footfalls making a huge

noise in the cavernous room. One side had bright yellow toilet
stalls and bright white urinals, the other bright blue shower stalls
and lockers. The colors were clearly an attempt to make the sterile
room look more inviting, but it actually had the opposite effect. No
amount of color could make the stark, open plan look cheerful, but
it was nice of them to try.

After my trip to the urinal, I stopped to look at myself in the

mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, my hair looked grey
instead of brown under the lights and they made my complexion
look green. Or maybe my color was due to the wave of nausea that
had suddenly cropped up. I splashed some water on my face, not
caring I didn’t have a towel to help me dry off. I was still too tired
to think about it. I moved out into the hall and tried to retrace my
steps. After a few turns, I realized I was nowhere near my room.
The corridor I was in looked identical to mine, but the numbers on
the doors were all wrong. I turned around, hoping to find the right
way and ran straight into someone.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
My polite mode had kicked in before I even saw whom I had

tried to knock down. From the looks of him, however, I couldn’t
have sent him to the ground even if I had run full speed at him. He
was tall, with more muscles than I would ever hope to have and
looked agitated as hell. My eyes followed the bulging veins in his

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forearm, the movement under his skin entrancing. Straightening
up, he looked me up and down, his fists opening and closing in a
menacing manner. His black hair was a spiky mess and his base-
issued shirt read Ryan in a white oval patch.

I looked up at him, just in time to see him smile. I finally

exhaled as his huge hand clamped down on my shoulder. It was
my friend from the check-in area. He looked different out of his
parka, but his eyes were still a bit scary. He seemed to recognize
me right away, laughing a bit before speaking.

“No problem, kid. It’s probably only fair, after what I did to

you earlier. Sorry about that whole thing, by the way. I was in a bit
of a hurry. The generator was out and we had to get the part in
before the whole place went dark.”

“It’s okay. That sounds a lot more important than what I was

doing.”

He laughed, apparently not caring how loud his voice was so

late at night. His hand tightened for a moment before retreating,
and I thought for sure I’d have marks there in the morning.

“This must be your first time on base. Am I right?”
“Am I that obvious?”
Again, he laughed, the booming sound filling the tiny hall. His

smile made him look softer, less scary, and most certainly cuter.
Cleary he was no stranger to Antarctic life, his ease evident.

“You do have that shell-shocked look about you. Also, you’re

in my neighborhood, and I’m sure you don’t belong on my side of
the building. If I had to guess, I’d say you’re one of the new
researchers and not part of the maintenance and engineering staff.
You newbies are always getting lost around here.”

“Yeah, I’m a researcher. I’m here to work on the ice core data.”
“And I’m here to drill the ice and keep this place running. So,

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you see, you’re in the wrong place. You eggheads are on the other
side of the wall there. You made a right when you should have
gone left.”

“Sorry. First day and all.”
I looked down, feeling completely ridiculous.
“Hey, man, I told you, no problem. We’re used to it. Let me

show you were you’re going.”

I followed him down the halls, trying to remember the route as

we returned to my rightful place. I stopped him when we got to my
room, number seven. The metal doorknob felt cool under my
sweaty palm.

“Thanks for the help. I’m Cam, by the way.”
He ignored my extended hand, preferring another slap on my

shoulder as his greeting. I noticed for the first time his eyes were
green, the light right above us finally allowing me to see them
clearly. They shined as he spoke and made him look even more
amazing than he had before. My stomach tightened a bit and, for
the first time in a long time, it wasn’t because of Avery.

“Whatever you say, kid. I’m sure I’ll see you around. This is a

small base, you know. Try and stay out of trouble.”

“Thanks. I’ll do that, Ryan.”
He disappeared into the dark hall, and I opened the door

quietly. I knew I wouldn’t sleep any more that night.

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CHAPTER 6

Jason was right about the meet and greet. It was boring as hell.

I scanned the room, noticing a few faces from the plane. Everyone
was about the same age, with a few exceptions. Some of the
people, clearly old hat at the meet and greet, were having quiet
conversations, looking like kids in study hall trying not to get
caught by the teacher. Jason and Davis were catching up next to
me in hushed tones. Memories filled their conversation, and I was
a bit jealous of how close they seemed. I wondered if I would leave
Antarctica with anything more than I came with…if I would meet
my new best friend here. Lord knows I needed one.

I tried my best to pay attention to all the information they were

giving us, but most of it went right over my head. My brain was
still half-exhausted from the trip and half occupied with thoughts

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of my middle of the night meeting with Ryan. Despite only sharing
a few words with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about his wide
chest and the small triangle of chest hair exposed by his work shirt.
It made quite an impression on me. I knew it was foolish and silly,
but it felt good to have something else filling up my mind other
than my broken heart and my homesickness. I allowed myself the
indulgence, the daydreams taking me away from the lousy
slideshow I was watching.

Jason elbowed me in the ribs, breaking my concentration. I

looked at him, his eyes rolling back into his head as he gestured to
the legendary Frank, who was taking the podium. He was
everything Jason said he would be—completely over-the-top and
annoying. His enthusiasm was hardly contagious, as the
conversations in the room started to increase. He entranced me
with his crazy mannerisms and his whiny voice, but his corny
jokes made it hard to take anything he said seriously. His slide
show was even worse than the previous one, with goofy pictures of
Frank all over the base and the surrounding areas. The one where
he walked with the penguins got the biggest laugh, but most of the
small crowd didn’t bother. Thankfully, his presentation was soon
over, but that only meant more misery in the form of forced
interaction.

I braced myself for the inevitable awkward group introductions

that would soon be taking place. Just as Jason said, we were
broken down into small groups of five people and made to sit in a
circle. My group was made up of two girls and two guys, none of
whom I recognized. We were joined by one of Frank’s flunkies,
who led our discussion. His name was Jesse and he was just as
ridiculous as Frank, but a little bit younger. He plopped down in
the seat next to me and smiled a big, goofy smile before launching

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into his game.

“Okay, everyone, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going

to go around the circle and say our names, where we are from,
what we do and our favorite song. I’ll start. I’m Jesse, I’m from
Fort Worth, Texas and I’m part of the administration team here at
the base. My favorite song is “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. Okay,
easy enough, right? Why don’t you go first?”

I was thankful he gestured to the girl on his other side, meaning

I would get to go last. I struggled to think of my favorite song as
the girl filled us in on her information. She worked in the kitchen
and was from Minnesota. Her favorite song was “Casey Jones” by
the Grateful Dead. I tried not to roll my eyes at that, but I noticed a
pattern as the exercise went on.

Everyone was picking well-known or popular songs. All the

songs that were popping into my head were anything but. Avery
always made fun of my boring, indie music, complaining about it
non-stop. It was getting closer to my turn, and I was no closer to
picking the right thing to say. Soon enough, Jesse and the rest of
the group were looking at me, and I had to start talking. I cleared
my throat and tried to keep myself from flushing bright red.

“Hi. I’m Cameron Phelps. I’m from Philadelphia,

Pennsylvania. I’m here to do ice core research.”

I froze, not knowing what to say next. My brain was spinning

through my iPod, trying to find the perfect song. I guess I took too
long because Jesse urged me on.

“Cam, you’re forgetting something. What’s your favorite

song?”

I decided not to think about it anymore and just blurted out my

first instinct. “Uh, well, it’s “Straight Lines.””

Before I could say another word, the blond guy in the group

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piped up. “I’ve never heard of that song. Who sings it? Is it
popular, like on the radio and stuff?”

I opened my mouth to answer, when a voice boomed behind

me. One that I recognized without needing to see the owner. I had
only heard him speak a little bit, but it was enough.

“It’s by Silverchair. They’re an Australian band. Right, kid?”
The whole group looked, and I turned around and confirmed

my first instinct. It was Ryan. He was obviously just coming in
from outside, his face bright red from exposure. He was standing
right behind me, and now he, like the rest of the group was waiting
for my answer. After a long pause, I was able to respond.

“Uh, yeah. That’s right.”
“It is a great song. A lot better than “Casey Jones.””
Ryan smiled at me, his hand back on my shoulder for a

moment. The girl who spoke before me and picked “Casey Jones”
grumbled, but didn’t respond to Ryan’s criticism. The group turned
back, and all eyes were back on me. The look they were giving me
was one of confusion mixed with disdain. My attempts to be like
the rest of my peers had completely failed. The only person who
had any idea what I was talking about was Ryan. I watched as he
walked out of the room, his boots squeaking on the linoleum floor.
The rest of the group started talking again, but I was too busy
trying to figure out why Ryan had been listening to us.

When the meeting was finally over, I met up with Jason on our

way to the mess hall. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and
smiled.

“My name is Jason, I’m from New York and I’m a migratory

specialist. My favorite color is blue and I enjoy long walks on the
beach.”

“Very funny.”

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Once all of our introductory stuff and lunch was over, it was

time to get down to business. Jason showed me around the base,
and I finally saw where I went wrong on my late night trip to the
bathroom. I was introduced to the rest of the lab staff I would be
working with for the next half year. There was a small group of
scientists who ran the ice core study, researchers like me and the
assistants. There was also the animal tracking team Jason was
working with, who were going to be using the same equipment and
tools.

After a few hours of procedural talk, it was time for me to get

to work. Jason and his team were heading out on their first
expedition, trying to find their long lost seals. I stared at the files of
data in front of me and wondered if I had chosen the wrong
specialty. Right now, Avery was probably knee deep in the
wonderful research grants that came with the Tourent Fellowship.
He would be in some nice warm lab in California, doing
groundbreaking work, making a real name for himself. My
contribution in Antarctica was important, but hardly glamorous.
The familiar twinge of Avery’s last deeds filled my stomach again,
despite my efforts to keep them at bay. He haunted me like a ghost,
but he was still very much alive.

I was surprised to see Ryan enter the lab, his height towering

over me as I sat at my lab table, papers strewn front of me. He
looked down at me, and I didn’t know what to say. He smiled,
looking even cuter than I remembered. Not since Avery had a guy
had such an immediate effect on me. I tried to slow down my
breathing, but it wasn’t really working. I waited for him to speak,
looking between his eyes and his mouth.

“So, the crew and I are going out to do some drilling and we

thought you might like to tag along, just to see how it’s done. It’s

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kind of a rite of passage for the new core researchers. Plus you’ve
got to get outside and see this place. It’s unreal. So what do you
say?”

I knew I should say no. My brain was screaming at me to say

no. I found myself saying just the opposite.

“Okay, sure.”

* * *

God damn it, it was cold. It was my first venture out into the

frigid air since my arrival and it was a shock to my system. I was
wearing six layers of clothing and still felt the icy chill in my
bones. Getting dressed to brave the elements had been a more
arduous chore than slogging through huge columns of data.
Trapped under all that material, I couldn’t do anything but stand
there, watching the others work. Observing was really my only job
anyway. As a pencil pusher, I didn’t need to be there when they
dug the ice cores. Somehow, I had let Ryan talk me into braving
the elements and joining his team. I had never felt stupider in my
life, doing something so foolish just to be close to a guy.

My fingers barely moved in my giant gloves. Despite the down

lining of my bright orange parka, the damn wind still got in.
Standing on one of the biggest glaciers in the world, watching the
giant machine piercing the ice, I again cursed myself for agreeing
to make the trek out to the ice field. I had never let my dick think
for me before, and it sure picked a lousy time to pipe up. I just
hoped I didn’t freeze to death before I had the chance to kiss Ryan.

The huge drill sent noise out for miles, with nothing in sight to

stop or block it. Shuffling my spike-bottomed boots on the smooth
ice, I fought to stay upright as the gales blasted across the open

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expanse of pure white. Watching Ryan work was an amazing
experience. His big body moved so gracefully in stark contrast to
the giant bulky machine he and his crew were manipulating. The
drill came to a shaking halt, and the ice core was winched up
gently to the surface of the glacier. As they maneuvered the ice for
transport, I tried to get out of the way, but Ryan had to shove past
me to secure the precious cargo.

Between the wind and his strong push, I was flat on the ice

before I knew it, my head striking the hard surface with a thud.
Staring up into the bluest sky I’d ever seen, I saw stars and colors
dancing as the pain shot down my body. My hat fell off and the
cold air zinged across my exposed scalp. I closed my eyes for a
second, but it didn’t make the pain go away. My ears started
ringing, and when I opened my eyes again, everything had a halo
around it.

I realized I couldn’t move. Like a turtle on its shell, I didn’t

quite know how to right myself. As I began to struggle, a large
shadow fell over my face.

“Sorry, Harvard. My fault. I must just really like knocking you

over. Let me help you.”

Ryan grabbed my parka and yanked me back to my feet with

surprisingly little effort. Standing in front of him, I felt as small as
I had on my first day at junior high school. My head was
swimming, and his voice sounded far away and warbled. I shook
my head, trying to get things back to normal, but that only made it
worse.

“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bump, no big deal.”
“The ice is slippery, you know. Think a smart guy like you

would have picked up on that by now. Did you hit your head?”

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“Yeah.”
I wanted to say more, but instead, when I opened my mouth, I

threw up, my stomach lurching before I could do anything to stop
it. Ryan looked at me with a worried face, but I just felt the deep
burn of shame and embarrassment.

“Sorry, Ryan. I didn’t mean to. I really don’t feel well.”
“Oh, shit. Hey, kid, look at me. I think you hit your head pretty

hard. We have to get you back to base.”

He motioned for the truck that brought us out to start up and

helped me walk gingerly to the cab. He pushed me into the warm
air, and I sat silently as he reached across me and hooked my
shoulder belt, securing me into the seat. I felt my eyes grow heavy
and I let them go closed, the world spinning wildly as I did. I felt
something shake me and I opened my eyes to see what had
happened. It was Ryan, trying to look calm, but not really
succeeding.

“Hey, come on, kid. Don’t go to sleep on me just yet. We have

to have the doctor check you out.”

“I’m fine Ryan, really.”
That was the last thing I remember saying before waking up in

the infirmary, with Ryan and a doctor looking down at me.

“Welcome back, kid. You gave us a scare.”

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CHAPTER 7

I tried to sit up, but Ryan pushed me back down on the bed. I

looked around, finally remembering what had happened out on the
ice, and groaned. My eyes squinted in the light, and Ryan sat next
to me.

“What’s wrong with me?”
“You have a concussion. You knocked yourself pretty hard

back there on the ice. I’m really sorry, kid. It’s all my fault.”

I reached out to touch him, but I missed the mark, my depth

perception clearly off.

“It’s not your fault. I should never have gone with you guys. I

should just stay in the lab where I belong.”

My mouth seemed to be a second behind my mind, taking extra

time to form each word. It was like speaking in slow motion.

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“Hey, it could happen to anyone.”
“Has it ever happened before?”
He laughed, rubbing his hand through his hair. “Not that I

know of. But don’t feel bad. You’re special.”

“Thanks, but that’s not exactly how I’m feeling right now.”
I looked at Ryan and noticed a bandage on his hand, extending

almost all the way up to his elbow. This time I did sit up, not
wanting to be flat on my back anymore. After the room stopped
spinning, I focused my eyes again.

“What happened to you?”
He gestured to his arm, acting as if he barely noticed it.
“Oh, this. Just a slip of the drill. Shit like this happens all the

time. It’s just a few broken fingers and a sprained wrist, so nothing
to worry about.”

“Do you get hurt a lot out there?”
“Well, let’s see, in five years, I think I’ve been in here at least a

dozen times. So, yeah, it comes with the job. But, I’m used to it.”

“You’ve been here five years? That’s a long time. I thought we

were all temporary.”

I had a little trouble with the last word, but Ryan was kind

enough to ignore it. “Not me. I’m as close to permanent as
anything gets down here, kid.”

“Why do you call me kid? I can’t be that much younger than

you.”

“It’s easier than learning a whole new batch of names every

year.”

“I guess that makes sense. How do you survive down here all

year?”

“Don’t know. It just suits me, I guess.”
I shook my head, ignoring the pain it caused when I did it. “I’m

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not so sure it suits me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. I should
probably just stay indoors for the rest of my time here. I came here
to get away from it all, but now I’m thinking it would’ve hurt less
to stay home.”

“Why did it hurt at home?”
He was serious all of a sudden. I had said too much, but my

brain wasn’t working correctly. I seemed to have no choice but to
tell the truth; my brain not up to the challenge of lying.

“My boyfriend dumped me, and I just had to get as far away as

possible. Running away seemed like the easiest thing to do. I guess
all things considered, a knock on the head is a small price to pay
for closure.”

“So, you’re here for closure?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. Well, I’m sure as hell not here for the

ice walks. I’m going to hang up my parka for now.”

“That’s a shame. I think you looked pretty cute in that parka.”
I ignored his comment, telling myself that he was just being

nice. However, when he put his hand on my arm, I felt like
lightning had touched me. His calloused fingers felt so gentle
compared to his usual iron grip. I couldn’t speak, but Ryan made
me feel like I didn’t need to.

I closed my eyes and tried to process my day. If there was one

thing I needed, it was to clear my head.

When the doctor woke me up a few hours later, Ryan was

asleep in the chair next to my bed, his uninjured hand still resting
on my arm. Despite my throbbing headache, his hand made me
feel better than I had in months. After the doctor was done, I
closed my eyes again and let a smile creep onto my face.

* * *

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My days in the lab went by like a breeze. It was hard to believe

I had been in Antarctica nearly two months already. Jason and I
got to know each other quickly, and it turned out we had a lot in
common. He reminded me a bit of Avery, as he was more outgoing
and popular than I ever was. He knew quite a few people on base
and introduced me to everyone. It was amazing how many people
were on their second and third trips. I had managed to make a few
friends and tried to be as social as possible. It wasn’t easy, but I
had to do it to keep my loneliness in check. The other person I saw
the most was Ryan, but it was harder to say if we were friends or
not, or if it was something more.

We saw each other nearly every day, but it was mostly due to

my active attempts to seek him out. I got to know his schedule and
would conveniently place myself in his path, be it at the mess hall
or just passing him in the hallway. I kept waiting for him to give
me some kind of signal he felt the same way I did, but he was
always so cagey. Our paths also crossed for work, as the crew
brought in new ice cores quite a bit. I always tried to act casual,
like I wasn’t waiting to see him, but I always was.

I would sit in the lab, working with one eye toward the

hallway, waiting for Ryan to appear. I was doing just that when the
door to the lab burst open, the noise making everyone sit up and
take notice. I caught sight of Ryan and several other men carrying
a fresh ice core ready for storage in the lab’s freezer. My columns
of data were soon forgotten as I watched Ryan and the others heft
the huge, delicate tube of ice onto the specified shelf. As they
exited the freezer, I tried to pretend I hadn’t noticed them, but
Ryan stopped in front of my lab table as the others filed out into
the hall.

“Hey, Harvard, how’s the lab treating you today?”

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“I went to Princeton.”
“Whatever…it’s close enough, right? You’re not getting lost in

the halls anymore, I see. At least I haven’t seen you wandering
around at all hours of the morning. Good work.”

I blushed remembering our first meeting, so long ago, and he

seemed to notice my uncomfortable expression.

“Yeah, no issues anymore,” I said. “Work is good, but there’s

just so much of it. The ice looks very promising, especially in the
turn of the century sections. It could be big.”

“It’s big alright and heavy as hell. I know that.”
His laugh echoed off the wall of the lab, making all the

assistants nosily interested in what was going on.

“I’ll bet.”
“Well, it’s a hazard of the job, but someone has to do it.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, putting that expensive education
to work.”

“Right.”
It was the worst conversation ever; so lame and boring. My

ability to make small talk had never been that great, but Ryan still
made me nervous after all this time. I thought by now, after all
these months, that would have faded, but he always did my head
in.

“See, that’s what I mean. Princeton really did a good job with

you.”

“Thanks.”
“Anyway, a bunch of us are going to be playing pool tonight, if

you’re interested. It’s a friendly game, and I promise I won’t take
too much of your money. You should stop by.”

“Yeah, sure. Maybe. I have a lot to get done around here, but

I’ll try and come by.”

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“Come on. You have to do better than that. I mean, you’re not

only here to work, are you?”

“No, I guess not. I did promise my brother I’d have some fun

while I was here, too.”

“Well, there you go. A promise is a promise. In that case, I

guess I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, I promise I’ll try to make it.”
“You do that, college. You do that.” He turned and walked out,

his presence lingering in the small space.

I looked and saw all the assistants staring at me, but as soon as

I caught them, they went back to their work. The research in front
of me was suddenly a lot less interesting. All I could focus on was
Ryan and his invitation. I didn’t really know how to play pool, but
maybe I would have to learn. After all, that was something cool
guys did, wasn’t it?

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CHAPTER 8

I was the only one still in the lab. The rest of the staff had left

about an hour before, but I was still knee-deep in files I wanted to
get through. As I closed another folder, I looked at the clock and
saw how late it was. Just as I picked up the next stack of work, the
door swung open and Jason walked in. He shook his head in
disappointment.

“I knew I’d find you here. Why are you still working?

Everyone else clocked out almost two hours ago. I waited for you
before dinner, but I was starving and had to give up on you.”

“Sorry, dude. I just got caught up. I want to finish this pile

before tomorrow.”

Jason put his hand on top of the file folder I was about to open

and stopped me from continuing.

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“No. Not a chance. You’re coming with me, right now. You

need a drink, and I sure as hell do, too. This stuff will still be here
tomorrow.”

“Fine. I give up. Let’s go.”
I hung up my lab coat and followed Jason to the bar that was

the one and only decent place on base to hang out. We came to a
set of double doors, behind which I could hear music and voices.
For a moment, I panicked. Ryan was most likely inside, and I
suddenly felt self-conscious. I looked down at the shabby clothes I
was wearing and wished I’d gone back to my room to change into
something better.

Jason looked at my worried expression and rolled his eyes.

“What is it now, Cam? Did you forget your pocket protector in the
lab?”

“No. It’s nothing, so don’t worry about it. Let’s just go in.”
“Come on…spill it.”
“Nothing. Seriously, Jason, it’s just been a long day.”
“Is it Ryan?”
I tried not to look shocked, but I was. I thought I had been so

cool about it, but apparently, I had not. I steeled myself, so my face
wouldn’t give anything away. “Ryan? Why would it be about
Ryan? I barely know that guy.”

“Uh-huh. Right. Look, you can tell me if you’re into him. I

think it’s cute. After all, he does bat for your team.”

“I don’t like Ryan. Like I said, I’ve only talked to him a few

times. He seems interesting, that’s all. It’s no big deal.”

“Really? Because I heard you were flirting with him in the lab

today. Actually, I hear you’ve been flirting with him a lot. Ever
since you two got cozy in the infirmary that night.”

“I was not. We were just talking. And we didn’t get cozy. I had

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a concussion.”

“Whatever you say.”
“Don’t worry, Jason. Nothing is going to happen.”
He looked like he wanted to press me, but he let it go. “Fine,

but don’t think I’m letting you off the hook that easy. You’re one
secretive bastard…you know that? Come on, let’s get a drink.”

We walked into the small room, filled with people. Nearly

everyone from the lab was already there, as was Ryan. I also
recognized his fellow drillers standing around one of the pool
tables with him. I looked away before he had the chance to see me,
deciding instead to follow Jason to the wooden bar across the
room. I sat on the stool next to him and watched as he made quick
conversation with the girl behind the bar, who, it appeared, he
knew pretty well.

He had been working on her for a while and it seemed to be

paying off. I drank my first beer too fast and felt the warmth spread
through my body quickly. I had never been much of a drinker, but
living in Antarctica, it seemed like a good time to start. I got
another one, while Jason went back to work on the girl behind the
bar. I decided to give him some privacy, so I took a deep breath
and walked toward the small gathering of people around the pool
table.

Ryan was clearing the table, sinking shot after shot as a bunch

of people looked on. I stayed on the outskirts of the group,
drinking and trying to look inconspicuous. No one seemed to
notice me, least of all Ryan, but I watched him intently. He moved
with such ease, such power, it was hard not to be drawn in. The
talk flowed easily, but there didn’t seem to be a way for me to get
involved. The last thing I wanted to do was make an ass of myself
by interrupting. I was just about to step away to get another drink

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when I heard Ryan’s voice over all the din in the room.

“Hey, college, you made it. Nice to see ya.”
Ryan was walking toward me with a pool cue in one hand and

a beer in the other. He took a long pull on the bottle, then smiled at
me. The rest of the room was busy doing its own thing, and it felt
like we were the only two people in the bar. He stood just a bit too
close to me, and I felt it as much as any touch. I drank half my beer
in two swallows, trying to cool myself down.

“Hi, Ryan. How are you?”
“Pretty good. I’m two games up on Sully, but he just quit.

What about you, kid? Are you feeling lucky?”

He winked at me, and I felt like a high school kid again. I

looked around for Jason, and sure enough, he was looking at the
two of us, shaking his head. I moved a step back from Ryan, trying
to put a little more distance between us. But he followed me,
subtly, keeping me close. He handed me the pool cue, and I
reluctantly accepted.

“I’m not that lucky, Ryan. Trust me.”
“We’ll see, won’t we?”
I followed him to the pool table, the small group having

disappeared into various booths and tables. Ryan racked the balls
into the triangle, moving them all the way to one end of the table. I
hadn’t played pool since Avery dragged me once in grad school,
trying to get me to learn a game he knew well. I had managed one
decent shot, getting one ball to go into the pocket, but my glory
was short-lived when the cue ball went in right after it.

Ryan removed the wooden triangle and walked to the other end

of the table slowly. He smiled at me and drank from his beer
before he spoke.

“I’ll break, if you don’t mind?”

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I nodded my approval and watched him bend over the rail of

the table. After lining up his shot, he hit the cue ball with all his
strength, the rest of the balls scattering with a loud clack. Three
sank into two corner pockets, and I knew I was in for it. I finished
my beer and met his eyes, which were shining again.

“Nice break, Ryan.”
“Thanks, kid.”

* * *

Jason pressed another beer into my hand before disappearing

again, as Ryan sank the last ball of our third game of pool. I was
down forty bucks and most of my manly pride. The cold beer was
soothing, and my buzz had me feeling fine. I almost didn’t care
that Ryan was hosing me. I just loved being around him. I let him
do most of the talking, finding out as much as I could about him.
He was funny and smart, and I could see why everyone liked him
so much. Straightening up from the chair I had been leaning on, I
set my cue on the table in surrender.

“Well, kid, that’s game. And that’s forty big ones for me.”
“You got me again, Ryan. I’m beginning to think you were

lying when you said it was a friendly game.”

I reached for my wallet and pulled out two twenties, setting

them on the table. Before I could move my hand away from the
money, Ryan covered mine with his. His big fingers squeezed
gently, but I felt a surge of alarm and moved away from his touch.
I thought I saw something in his eyes, but I chalked it up to my
imagination. When he spoke, though, another little ember started to
burn inside me.

“Well, I think I’m very friendly, don’t you?”

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The words were like a kick to my stomach as I followed him to

two armchairs on the far side of the room. They were away from
the rest of the group in a darkened corner. I saw Jason watching us,
but I ignored him.

“So, kid, how are you liking Antarctica? I mean aside from the

wonderful nightlife.”

“It’s been good. It’s a chance for me to do some great research,

and it’s something not a lot of other people have done.”

“So, you like to be different, is that it?”
“Not exactly. It just seemed right. I love the work.”
“You don’t mind being so far from home? I heard you tell your

little group you’re from Philly.”

“Yeah, born and raised. Going to Princeton was like culture

shock. All those trees.”

He smiled, exposing his perfect white teeth. “I’m from

Trenton.”

“Really? You don’t have the accent. What happened?”
“You really want to talk to me about accents, Philly boy?

Actually, I’m not sure I ever had one. If I did, maybe I lost it when
I lived in Iceland.”

I nearly choked on my sip of beer and I tried not to sputter all

over myself. “You lived in Iceland?”

“Hey, don’t sound so surprised. They have a lot of ice there,

too, you know. I worked for the hydrothermal plant for a few
years. After that, it was Australia.”

“Now, I know there’s no ice there.”
He laughed at my poor joke, the sound of it making warmth

spread over my whole body.

“No, there wasn’t. but there was a desalination plant that

needed some help. So I went. What can I say? I like to travel.”

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“I’d say so.”
“What about you, kid? Do you travel a lot?”
“Oh, not really. I’ve never really been anywhere. I’d like to,

but there just hasn’t been time. I was going to go to Paris after grad
school, but that trip kind of fell through.”

“What happened?”
There was a look of genuine interest on his face that felt so

good. He was easy to talk to, and when he leaned in a bit closer to
me, my body went a little haywire. I didn’t know how to answer
his question without bringing up Avery, which I didn’t want to do.

“Oh, it just didn’t work out. Something came up and I had to

cancel it.”

“That’s a shame. I hear it’s beautiful there. Oh, well, maybe

someday, right?”

The look on his face told me he didn’t quite buy my story, but

he didn’t say anything. He just drank another sip of beer and
looked away. I glanced at my watch and couldn’t believe the time.
It was late and, as much as I wanted to stay, I knew I’d regret it in
the morning when the alarm went off.

“I should go, Ryan. I have to get some sleep. We’ve got a lot of

work to do tomorrow.”

“Right. Yeah, me, too. Well, I’ll walk with you.”
He trailed after me out into the corridor, and I tried to ignore

the butterflies in my gut as he followed me to my room. I was
nearly an expert on the routes I needed, arriving at my room with
little trouble, even with the alcohol in my system. When I reached
the knob, I felt Ryan’s hand on mine once again. I spun around to
face him, but soon found myself pressed against the metal of my
door. His knee slid in between my legs, forcing them apart. I
couldn’t do anything but look into his eyes and wait for his next

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move. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the forty dollars I
had just given him. Very slowly, he slid it into the pocket of my
button-down shirt, pressing his palm over it after he was finished.

“I can’t take your money, kid. It’s wouldn’t be right.”
I don’t know how I found the voice, but I managed to speak.

“It’s only fair. You beat me.”

“It’s okay. Just call it practice. Next time, I’ll keep it.”
His hand pressed harder, and I was sure he could feel the

rampant pounding of my heart. I saw his gaze drop to my lips, and
I had to close my eyes for a second. When I opened them again,
Ryan was still there staring at me. My hands held onto his waist,
my grip the only thing holding me up as my knees had gone weak.
He leaned in until his lips were almost touching mine, but just out
of reach. I held my breath, anticipation and fear making me shake.
He backed away slightly, looking into my eyes so deeply, I was
sure he could see everything I was thinking.

“Hey, kid, what are you doing Friday night?”
“Nothing, why?”
“Have you been outside yet, at night?”
“I haven’t been outside at all. Well, not since my little spill at

the drilling sight.”

He laughed, but didn’t look surprised. “Well, we have to fix

that. Meet me by the main entrance around eleven. It’s time you
got that parka back out. Don’t worry. I’ll protect you this time.”

“Okay.”
He leaned closer again, and this time let his lips brush mine so

very gently. “Goodnight, kid.”

That was all he said before letting me go and disappearing

down the hall.

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CHAPTER 9

I trudged down the metal hallway, my crampons scraping

against the floor. I waddled to the entrance of the base and found
Ryan standing in the hall, waiting. He didn’t say a word when he
saw me, just motioned for me to follow him to the door to the
outside. As he pushed it open, I felt the sting in my eyes; the bitter
bite of the freezing air hit me. I had forgotten how the wind bit at
your skin, causing pain I never knew existed. Nothing in the
literature they had sent me before I arrived in Antarctica prepared
me for the reality of it, especially after the sun had gone down.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me along the building, leading

me in the opposite direction from the generators. I blinked to focus
my eyes, but I could barely see in front of me. We turned to the
left, and he stopped abruptly. So had the wind. I was stunned. I

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heard the roar of it all around us, but for some reason we were safe.
I pulled my hood back, looking around to find us tucked between
the base buildings and the garage where the ice drilling equipment
was stored. Everything was black; the few lights from the base
blocked out by the garage. I could just make out Ryan’s silhouette.
The silence seemed deeper in the dark, the quiet almost eerie.

“Wow. This is incredible.”
“Just wait, kid. There something you’ve got to see.”
“What?”
“Look up.”
Tilting my head back, letting my eyes adjust, I finally saw

them. There were a million stars above us, piercing the black sky
like little flashlights. It had never occurred to me to look, never
occurred to me to venture out at night. Each way I looked there
were new constellations to see, filling every possible space in the
sky. It was amazing. I looked at Ryan, who, instead of looking up,
was looking right at me.

“Pretty amazing, aren’t they?”
“Yeah. I can’t believe I never did this before.”
“I told you. Sometimes you just have to take a break and take a

look at what’s right in front of you.”

“This is great, Ryan. Thanks for bringing me out here.”
We stood in the most beautiful silence, the sky offering up its

boundless possibilities. I knew I should say something, do
something. This might be my only chance, alone in the dark with
Ryan. I turned and took two steps toward him, but I felt my feet
start to give way beneath me. I was thankful when Ryan grabbed
my parka and pulled me to him. He leaned down, his face right in
front of mine. I could barely make out his eyes, the dark was so
thick all around us. My body weight rested against him, my toes

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still stuck into the ice.

“Thanks. I’m still not used to walking on ice like this.”
“You have to be careful.”
I expected him to let me go right away. Instead, his hands

moved around my back, crushing me as close to him as our coats
would allow. His nose bumped mine, the cold tip rubbing over my
cheek.

“Ryan, what are you doing?”
“Something we should’ve done a while ago. I’ve been patient

with you, kid, but I’m tired of waiting. Besides, I don’t want to
take the chance of you falling through the ice and disappearing.”

His smile faded and his lips brushed against mine, just like they

had that night at my door, the hot breath from his mouth a
welcome respite from the cold. I reached up for his neck, my thick,
gloved fingers just managing to hold on as he claimed my lips. I let
his tongue in, pressing back with my own, our heat mingling in the
frigid air. Easing away, he left me gasping, the cold air again
assaulting my lungs. I was too stunned to speak, words failing me.
Luckily for me, Ryan didn’t have the same problem.

“I think we should go back inside before we freeze. Besides, I

think we’d be more comfortable in my room.”

I swallowed hard as Ryan led me down the twisted series of

corridors, right to the door of his room. I was sweating by the time
we arrived, all my layers trapping every ounce of heat my body
was throwing off. He shoved his door open, pushing me inside
before letting the metal slam shut. He started yanking at my parka,
pulling the thick plastic-coated zipper down and shoving the
orange fabric to the floor. Discarding his own, he was back in front
of me, his huge body towering over me. He tugged me forward by
the suspenders attached to my snow pants, our faces once again

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inches apart. His tongue reached out and touched my bottom lip,
and I pulled back instinctively.

“Ryan, I don’t think—”
“That’s your problem, Cam. You’re always thinking too

much.”

He looked at me, his crooked smile making me sweat a little bit

more. His hands remained wrapped tight around the elastic
suspenders, only letting me get so far away before he jerked me
back toward him. His response to my stunned look brought me
back down to earth.

“What? You thought I didn’t know your name?”
“I’m just surprised is all. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say

it. Ever.”

“You’d be amazed what I can remember about researchers with

really cute asses.”

He hauled me closer until I felt his big chest pressed against

mine. I tried not to flinch when he grabbed a handful of my hair,
tilting my face toward his. His thick fingers forced a gasp from my
mouth, despite my efforts to keep it in. He took full advantage of
my open mouth, overwhelming me with his lips and tongue. I felt
like I couldn’t breathe; my body went limp against Ryan’s sturdy
frame. He slid my suspenders and thick snow pants to the floor,
each layer revealing another to take off.

We broke our kiss, our mouths restless as we peeled back each

item of clothing, hoping to find the last. Finally, his hands were at
the hem of my white T-shirt. It was the first thing I had put on that
morning. As he pulled the cotton over my head, I tried not to feel
self-conscious about my lack of muscles. We stood amongst our
piles of clothing, each of us down to our boxer shorts. His chest
was broad with dark hair covering almost every inch. I couldn’t

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resist touching him; my palms ran down his hot skin until I got to
his hard abs. He stopped me, grabbing my wrists before I got any
farther. It hurt, but I liked it. His eyes bore into me, just like the
drill he used all the time. I swallowed, my cock stirring in
anticipation.

His voice was edged with lust. “Get on the bed, on your

knees.”

I hesitate for a second, frozen to the spot where I stood. My

logical brain was trying to formulate a way for me to object, but
the rest of my body was overriding my reasonable side.
Apparently, Ryan thought I was taking too long, and with a quick
shove, he sent me tumbling onto his mattress, my knees pressing
into the springs. Before I could move, he grabbed my boxers and
forced them down, my ass naked in front of him. His hands
smoothed over my cheeks, my cock bobbing free, waiting for
attention. I winced at the thick press of his fingers on my skin, the
rough way he pulled my cheeks apart. I had never felt more
exposed, more at the mercy of someone else’s whims. I liked it,
more than I thought I would. It was all new to me, but so exciting.

My forehead rested on my hands as I waited for Ryan to do

something. Long seconds stretched out; the only sound in the room
was our breathing. Finally, I felt a finger drag over my puckered
hole, a quick tease, over as soon as it started. His finger returned;
this time moistened with saliva. He circled my opening before
pressing the tip gently inside me. His other hand closed around my
cock. His fist moved up and down on my stiff dick, and my moans
escaped my throat for the first time.

“You want me to lick that sweet little asshole, Cam?”
His words shocked me, but made me harder as well. I

desperately wanted to answer him, but my voice was not working.

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I tried to nod, but I just heard Ryan laughing behind me. His finger
stopped moving, his hand disappearing from my cock. I
whimpered in distress, turning to look at his impassive face.

“That’s not good enough, kid. I need to hear it. Come on. You

know you want it. Just tell me. I wanna hear the words come out of
that uptight little mouth of yours.”

“Ryan, please. I can’t.”
“Sure you can. Tell me, or I’ll find something else to keep me

busy tonight.”

I sighed, my body screaming out in protest, unable to bear

anymore. I pushed my ass back toward Ryan, my desiccated mouth
forming the words my head was already shouting. “Lick my
asshole, Ryan. Please, I want to feel your tongue on me.”

I didn’t have to wait long for Ryan to oblige me. His tongue

dove right in, nothing teasing or gentle about it. The tip went right
for my center, pushing my asshole open little by little. His fist
returned to my cock, which was aching to be touched. I couldn’t
stop myself from rocking back into him, trying to get more of his
tongue in me. But he stayed firmly in control, his tongue easing
away, going back to feather-light licks around my rim.

His hand stroked my cock at an erratic pace, keeping me

guessing and frustrated. I groaned at the torture, but I loved every
second of it. Ryan was groaning, too, pushing his tongue back into
my ass, wiggling and squirming his way deeper inside me. I was so
close to coming, my whole body began to shake with the strain.
Ryan replaced his tongue with his finger, his digit slipping inside
to the knuckle without much effort.

“You wanna get fucked, don’t you? You wanna come with my

big cock in your tight ass?”

“God, yes, Ryan. I want you to fuck me. Please, fuck my ass.”

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“Wow, didn’t have any trouble that time, did you, kid?”
I watched him cross the room and dig in his desk drawer. He

had taken off his boxers, so I could see his hard cock jutting
straight out in front of him. It was bigger than any I had ever seen
before, and my own cock hardened at the prospect. He returned to
the bed, grabbing me by the hips and moving me forward. I heard
the pop of the lube top open, and soon the warm press of his
tongue became the cool slide of his lubed fingers. He was patient,
working me open a bit at a time with his sawing fingers. My
discomfort faded fast, replaced with deep need. Just as I got used
to his intrusion, he was gone.

I heard the familiar crinkle of the condom wrapper and held my

breath, waiting for him to roll it on. The unyielding press of his
cock against my asshole forced me to breathe again. Ryan gasped
right along with me when I felt my sphincter give way and let him
in fully. The fingers that had been digging bruises into my hips
released, making my cock swell more in my stroking hand.

I knew I wouldn’t last long, and when he started moving inside

my ass in deep, measured strokes, I cried out louder than I intended
to. He wanted me to feel every inch, taking his time to pull almost
all the way out before plunging back in to the root. I squeezed my
eyes shut, perspiration flushing my face and back as I took him.
Ryan threw gasoline on my fire with more dirty words.

“That’s it. Jerk that fucking cock. I want you to come and

squeeze that ass around my dick. Come hard for me, Cam.”

My hips moved mindlessly back toward him, the way he said

my name burning a hole in my brain. Out of all the filthy, dirty
things that came out of his mouth, my name had the biggest effect
on me. My dick twitched in my hand, cum spurting hot and sticky
from the tip. Without conscious thought, my ass contracted around

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Ryan’s cock, just like he wanted.

My head flew back, my moans and screams bouncing off the

metal and paneled walls. Ryan pounded me with more fury and
force than I thought I could handle, but somehow I managed to
take it. I felt his sweat dripping onto my back and, as I milked the
last drops from my dick, Ryan drove into me to the hilt, his thick
chest collapsing onto my back as he came violently behind me. My
knees gave way, leaving only my elbows to hold us both up on the
bed. His teeth sank into my shoulder as the last quakes rumbled
through him, his panting breath hot on my already soaked skin.

He rolled away, tossing the condom into a nearby trashcan

before covering us both with the standard-issue green base blanket
crammed into the corner of his bed. I didn’t dare look at him,
focusing on the ceiling to keep my eyes from giving me away.
That lasted a few seconds, until Ryan pressed a hand to my cheek
and turned me toward him. I expected awkward words, but the
only thing that passed between us at that moment was the sweetest
kiss I ever had. Ryan pulled back and smiled, a silent chuckle
shaking us both in his bed.

“What’s so funny?”
“You’re not what I expected, Cam.”
“I could say the same about you.”
He laughed again, stroking my hair away from my face. In that

moment, I didn’t care if I ever left his bed again, or if I ever did
another minute of research. I felt happier than I had in months.

“You were expecting some meathead who could barely string

two words together?”

“Well, you have knocked me down a few times.”
He held me tenderly, kissing me with abandon. My laughter

died as he ran both hands down my back to my ass. I could feel my

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cock stir again; just being near Ryan was making me absolutely
crazy.

“I’ve never met anyone like you, Cam.”
“Right back at you, Ryan.”
I stared into his eyes, feeling an intense pull of emotion. It had

only been a short time, but he had me hooked. I wanted to say
something profound to him, to let him know how I was feeling, but
I couldn’t. Instead, I kissed him as if my life depended on it.
Clearly sensing my desperation, he responded in kind, holding
onto me with his strong arms. When we pulled apart, I felt like my
heart was going to explode. Ryan brought us both down to earth.
He shook off the serious moment, pinching my bottom and rolling
me over onto my back, pinning me down with his strong arms.

“I’m starving. What about you?”
“Absolutely.”
“I hate to say this, but get dressed. Let’s go hit the kitchen.”
“I think it’s closed.”
“Not when you have the keys, kid.”

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CHAPTER 10

We sat on the prep table, eating cereal out of a huge metal

bowl. It wasn’t fancy, but somehow it felt appropriate. I kept
staring at him, hardly able to believe he was really sitting right
across from me. He caught me looking and stopped eating. For the
first time since I’d met him, he looked self-conscious.

“What, do I have milk on my face of something?”
“Well, now that you mention it, a little. But that’s not what I

was looking at.”

“Then what?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on…that’s bullshit. What is it?”
“Okay, fine. I just like looking at you.” After the words came

out of my mouth, I regretted them. It sounded so silly, but when he

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leaned over and kissed my cheek, I didn’t feel so bad.

“Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself. I still remember when I

first saw you, standing there like a lost sheep in the lobby on the
first day.”

I blushed a little, thinking back to that day when he brushed

past me so roughly.

“I didn’t think you even noticed me, except when Jason made

you apologize.”

“Honestly, I didn’t at first, but when I stopped and looked at

you, I thought you were one of the cutest guys I’d ever seen.”

I shoved him a bit, sloshing some of the milk out of our bowl.

“Come on…you don’t have to say stuff like that.”

“But what if I really mean it?”
“Do you, Ryan?”
This time, his kiss was firmly on my lips, tasting sweet and

fruity like the kids’ cereal we’d snagged from the shelf.

“I do.”

* * *

I was in heaven. The next two months flew by so quickly, I

hardly had time to process it all. Ryan and I spent every spare
moment together, so much so I started to leave the lab on time
every night. I no longer hid behind stacks of work and columns of
numbers. We met in the bar almost every night, and he taught me
how to play pool properly. He still won, most of the time, but I
starting winning against the lab assistants. Unfortunately, that also
meant I was neglecting Jason, who seemed to be less than thrilled
about my newfound relationship with Ryan. He never said
anything, but his face gave him away.

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His tracking trips started taking him away more, and although I

was busy being blissed out with Ryan, I missed my friend. Davis
and Randy were poor substitutes, although they were funny. I
finally emailed my brother Dave and told him about Ryan,
something I had been putting off since I’d last spoken to him on a
crackly phone call. Telling him made it all feel real, and I was a
little scared of what that meant. Dave was supportive, but a little
skeptical. After all, he had heard me say I wouldn’t go down the
love road again, and now here I was going back on those words.

I didn’t care. It felt so right, I was willing to go back on all

those thoughts that had driven me for months. Ryan was so
different from Avery, in almost every way. He said what he meant,
he really cared about me, and he didn’t act like he was better than
anyone else. He was who he was, and that was good enough for
me. It wasn’t just about the sex, even though that was great, too. I
had finally started to open up again, and while it was scary, it also
felt really good. For the first time since that night in the apartment
with Avery, my heart was open again, and Ryan was the reason.

I was on my bed, humming and smiling, giddy with happiness,

when Jason opened the door. He was back from his latest trek and
looked less than thrilled.

“Hey, Jason. You’re back. How was it?”
“Shit. Everything took twice as long as it should have. I’m sure

it wasn’t nearly as much fun as you’ve been having with your new
boyfriend.”

I sat up and looked at him, his face a mix of derision and

amusement. It reminded me of Avery that last night in the
apartment, and I had to look away.

“He’s not my boyfriend, okay, Jason?”
“That’s bullshit and you know it, Cam. I’ve seen you with him.

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Just because I haven’t been here for a few weeks doesn’t mean I
don’t hear things. You’re over the moon for this guy. Why are you
trying to pretend you’re not?”

I laughed at him, trying to deflect his suspicions. “So I’m

spending time with someone who isn’t you. Why is that a big deal?
You’ve been pretty busy with Cheryl from the bar, when you’re
actually here.”

“We’re not talking about me; we’re talking about you. I’m just

curious why you’re trying to pretend it’s not serious for you. I’ve
seen you look at him. I can tell.”

“So what if I am? That doesn’t mean I have to call him my

boyfriend, does it?”

“Why not? Unless he doesn’t want you to. Look, Cam, I just

want you to be careful.”

Jason closed the door with a thud and walked over to our beds.

He stared up at me, his face suddenly serious. It made me nervous.
“Why are you saying that?”

“Ryan has a bit of a reputation around here. I just don’t want

you to get hurt.”

Jason retreated a bit and began digging in his desk and not

meeting my eyes. I ignored the feeling inside me that was telling
me something was wrong. “Why would I get hurt?”

“A lot of people down here sleep around. Hell, it’s one of the

only things there is to do around here. Ryan’s no different. But he
doesn’t get involved; he doesn’t have boyfriends. He just screws
around for the season and then that’s it. I just don’t think it’s ever
going to be what you want it to be.”

“What the hell does that mean? How do you know what I want

it to be, Jason?”

“Come on, Cam. You know what I mean. You seem like the

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type who wants to have a real relationship, not just a casual thing.
Am I right?”

I wanted to balk at his description, but I really couldn’t.
Jason continued his warning. “Look, if you’re really just

having fun, that’s cool with me, man. Just don’t make it worse by
falling for him. Trust me; it won’t end the way you want it to. I
want you to have your eyes open and not get caught up in some
adolescent fantasy.”

His last sentence enraged me and I jumped off the bed. Those

were the same exact words Avery had used. Here I was, happy for
the first time in a long time, and Jason was hell bent on ruining it. I
just wanted him to shut up.

“Look, Jason. I appreciate your concern, but you don’t know

me or Ryan. You have no idea what I’ve been through or what I
want. Maybe you’re wrong about Ryan. Did you ever think of
that?”

Even as I said it, in my heart I didn’t truly believe it.
Jason shook his head and reached for the door, but hesitated.

His face fell, seeing something in his quick search of my eyes.
“I’m wasting my breath, aren’t I? You’ve already fallen for him,
haven’t you?”

I didn’t respond with words, but the answer was all over my

face.

“Oh, Cam.”
The pity in his voice made me feel even worse, but my anger

was winning over my sadness. “How do you know I’m going to
get hurt? How can you be so sure, Jason?”

“Because last year, I sat with Randy and listened to him cry

after Ryan dumped him. I know what I’m talking about.”

“Just because it happened to Randy doesn’t mean it’ll happen

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to me.”

“Of course not, because you’re different.”
There was no missing his sarcasm, and it stung. “Fuck you,

Jason.”

“I’m just trying to help you out, man. Because I care.”
“I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
“Fine. I give up. Just think about it, okay, Cam?”
Jason came back to the room a few hours later, trying his best

to be quiet. I was still wide awake after our fight, though. I thought
about everything he’d said about Ryan and about me. I decided it
was time to tell him the truth. As he lay down in his bunk, I
startled him by speaking.

“His name was Avery. He dumped me a few months before I

got here.”

I heard Jason gasp in shock, his nervous laughter muffled by

the bed between us.

“Shit, dude, you scared me.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Look, Cam, you don’t have to tell me this if you

don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve been putting you off long enough. We got

together in college and spent two years together. I thought we were
happy, but he cheated on me and took the fellowship I really
wanted. You were right on the plane. I am running away. But for
the first time in a long time, I feel good. I’m happy.”

“Shit, Cam, I’m sorry. Really. I wasn’t trying to be a dick or

anything. That’s exactly why I told you about Ryan, though. So
you don’t get hurt. Again.”

“I’m scared of that, too, but I don’t know how to stop feeling

this way. I didn’t want this to happen. Falling for Ryan was the last

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thing I expected when I came here. What I told you on the plane
was the truth—the last thing I came down here to find was love.”

Jason sighed, shifting his weight on the creaky bed. I felt the

movement of the metal bars as he did it, then I felt his feet kicking
me in the back. It broke the tension, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“So, you love him?”
I hesitated, trying out the word in my head, but I already knew

the answer. “Yeah, I do.”

“Look, I didn’t tell you this stuff to ruin things for you. I didn’t

know you felt that way, Cam. I really didn’t.”

“Hey, you were just being honest. Randy is your friend, too.”
“Does Ryan know you feel this way?”
“No. I haven’t told him yet.”
“Like you said, just because it happened to Randy doesn’t

mean it’s going to happen to you. Maybe Ryan feels the same
about you.”

His words did little to comfort me, despite his kind tone.

“Right.”

I knew Jason was trying to make me feel better, but the

nagging feeling I was heading for something bad wouldn’t go
away. I couldn’t deny, however, how I felt with Ryan holding me.
I had to know, but I dreaded the thought of telling him the truth. I
knew I had no choice in the end. I had to tell Ryan I loved him.

* * *

My nerves were on edge as I sat in the television room with

Ryan, staring blankly at the screen showing a movie I had barely
watched. I was too nervous to concentrate. The words I wanted to
say to Ryan still sat on my tongue. He was oblivious to my state,

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too engrossed in the cop drama to notice my discomfort. I bided
my time, waiting until the clichéd conclusion of the film, when I
would have Ryan’s undivided attention. Jason’s warnings were
fresh in my mind, but I pushed them away as the credits started to
roll, and Ryan turned and looked at me in the dark.

“What did you think Cam?”
Instead of commenting on the film, I just blurted out what I had

been dying to say. “I think I love you, Ryan.”

I searched his face for some clue as to how he felt, but it was

too dark for me to find much there. He didn’t say a word, just
leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. It wasn’t what I wanted,
but I took the kiss as a positive sign. My heart didn’t leave me any
choice. As his tongue swept into my mouth, I refused to believe he
didn’t have feelings for me. Lying back on the couch and feeling
Ryan’s weight on top of me, I was swept away, letting reality go
for the night.

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CHAPTER 11

I chewed on my pen cap, my work sitting untouched in front of

me. I hadn’t seen Ryan yet today and I was beginning to think I
wouldn’t. In fact, it had been almost five days since I had seen him
properly. He kept making excuses for us not seeing each other,
always too busy to stop and talk for more than a few minutes. At
first, I brushed it off, but as the days went by my worry grew. The
events of my fight with Jason kept replaying in my mind.

The assistants kept looking at me, my distraction becoming

conspicuous. I picked up a new file and started to crunch the
numbers. Hours ticked by and still no Ryan. Clock out time came
and went with no sign of him. He was also suspiciously absent
during dinner.

As I walked down the hall to my room after eating, however, I

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found Ryan waiting for me at my room door. I was so relieved I
walked straight up to him, unable to hide the smile on my face. I
wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a kiss. He resisted
me, pushing me away after just a brief press of lips.

“What’s wrong with you, Ryan?”
“Can we go inside?”
My stomach registered the problem before I did. It was

beginning its slow dive as I unlocked my room. A cold, harsh ache
began in my chest, just as it had that night with Avery. I stood next
to the wall, bracing myself for what I was sure was bad news.
Ryan wouldn’t meet my eyes at first, but when he finally did, I saw
it immediately. Jason had been right, damn him. If he hadn’t left
for another penguin-tracking trip, he’d have been there to say, “I
told you so.”

“What’s up, Ryan?”
“I’m going away for a little while.”
“What do you mean? Where are you going?”
“They need me at another base. They’re short a few people,

and I said I’d fill in for the rest of the season.”

I was beyond confused and started to panic. “Did this just

happen? When did you find this out?”

His head dropped, and I knew.
“No. I’ve known since last week.”
My pain galvanized into anger and I couldn’t hold it back.

“Then why didn’t you tell me, Ryan?” His name came out of my
mouth in a yell, but I didn’t care.

Ryan tried to step toward me, but I warded him off with my

hand.

“Cam, I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry you’re leaving? Or is there something else you want to

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tell me?”

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t mean to fall for you, but I did.”
They were the words I had wanted to hear from him, but the

way he said them was all wrong. He didn’t sound happy at all.

“Then what the fuck is this? Why is that a bad thing? We can

still keep in touch while you’re away. It doesn’t have to be a big
deal.”

He didn’t seem pleased by what I was saying, as if my words

had no impact at all.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Cam. I just can’t handle

it right now. This—you and me—wasn’t supposed to happen. I
wasn’t supposed to meet you and fall for you. I’m sorry, but I just
can’t do this.”

“What is this? What is it you can’t do?” I was livid, my anger

making me shake.

He ignored my question when he spoke, not answering what I

really wanted to know. “It was great. Amazing. I just can’t. I’m
sorry. I wish I could explain better, but I can’t.”

“Try. Come on. Take a chance with me. I did it, so why can’t

you? Please, Ryan, give us a chance.”

He stood there and looked shattered, and I knew what was

coming.

“I’m sorry, Cam. I just can’t.”
I should have kept pressing him, but I couldn’t stand the sight

of him any longer. I pulled open the door with way more force than
necessary.

“Go ahead and run away. I can’t stop you. Get out. Just go. I

hope you have a nice life.”

WHITE OUT

He didn’t fight me, walking to the door without so much as a

token protest. He stopped just for a second and stared down at me.
I reluctantly looked up to see his eyes filled with tears.

“I’m so sorry, Cam. I really never meant to hurt you.”
When he was gone, I collapsed onto Jason’s bed, the tears

falling before I could do anything to stop them. It felt like Avery
all over again, but worse. Ryan wasn’t cold and detached. He was
acting as heartbroken as I was. Yet, he was still walking away.
There were so many things I wanted to know, but he hadn’t told
me anything. I wished I had never come, had never even heard of
Antarctica. There seemed to be no place on earth that was safe.

I had never felt so alone.

* * *

I heard Ryan left that night on the shuttle, heading across the

ice to another base. Life went on. After all, there was still a job to
do. Everyone seemed to hear through the grapevine what had
happened, but I never said a word. When Jason returned, he didn’t
say the words he was entitled to say. He was too good a guy for
that.

We didn’t talk much about what had happened. I retreated to

the lab, where I should have stayed from the beginning, working
my ass off to try to keep the pain away.

Jason tried to keep me busy, dragging me to the bar, even

though I was hardly drinking the pain away, still barely able to put
away three drinks before I was tipsy. I took solace in the fact I
would soon be on a plane back home and away from Ryan. I would
just have to start over. Again. My life was becoming a little too
repetitive for my liking.

WHITE OUT

CHAPTER 12

And just like that, it was over. The last two months of my stay

in the coldest place on Earth went by faster than I ever would have
dreamed. The work had been challenging, but more rewarding than
even I had predicted. After Ryan left, I worked almost non-stop,
trying to keep myself busy. It was the only way I could stay sane.

I was mostly fine during the day, spending hours and hours in

the lab trying to finish the work I had started when I arrived. At
night, though, when everything was quiet, it was hard to keep Ryan
from my mind. Instead of replaying the bad things, all I could think
about was how good it had been. That almost made it hurt worse.
Things hadn’t been bad between Ryan and me, like it had been
with Avery. The result was still the same, though.

The scientists in charge of the study invited me back for the

WHITE OUT

next season to continue my research, but I told them I had to think
about it. The thought of returning filled me with dread, especially
since I knew Ryan would be there, just as he had been for the last
five years. I hadn’t told the science team yet, but I knew it was
time to say goodbye for good to Jason and the lab rats I had come
to think of as friends. Time to return to real life, whatever that
meant.

Ryan didn’t return to the station, and I was glad. I had heard he

was busy repairing and replacing sections of roofs all over the area,
obviously doing just fine for himself. The thought of seeing him
again sent me into a deep panic. Despite that, there was a part of
me that would have given anything to have him in front of me one
more time.

Jason decided we needed to celebrate our last few days on the

ice by heading out into the cold one last time. I hadn’t ventured out
for any length of time since Ryan had shown me those beautiful
stars. Going outside had become less about the harsh weather and
more about the pain of the memories it caused. For Jason, though, I
was willing to make an exception.

We got dressed and trudged our way out into the icy cold,

frozen world we had been living in for the last six months. I led
Jason to the cove where Ryan had taken me. I ignored the stab of
pain in my gut as I remembered that night. Instead, I stood in the
calm of the blocked wind, staring up into those impossibly bright
stars, trying to replace the old memories with new ones. Jason and
I had sipped our champagne inside, lest it be solid once we hit the
outside air. Jason spoke, his voice barely a whisper. Something
about the nighttime in Antarctica called for quiet.

“Well, Cam, are you sorry?”
I knew I should have been, but I wasn’t. Despite all the pain it

WHITE OUT

had caused, I wasn’t sorry to have met Ryan. Maybe I would learn
something from it all. What, I had no idea.

“Nope. I met you, didn’t I?”
“Aww. If only I were into men, you’d be in trouble, dude.”
Jason kissed me on the forehead, his cold lips leaving a tiny

spot of moisture on my skin. We stood for a few more minutes
before Jason was ready to go back inside.

“Dude, I’m freezing. I’m heading in. You coming?”
“You go ahead. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“Okay. I’ll be right inside waiting, Cam.”
I heard him crunch away, the sound getting softer until it faded

to nothing. I stood in the silence and closed my eyes. I hadn’t
expected the tears, but they came all the same. I wiped them away
with my puffy gloves, but they didn’t seem to be stopping. I heard
a noise coming from the area of the garage, but I ignored it. When
I realized it was footsteps, I assumed it was Jason coming back to
find out where I was. When I finally turned, my heart nearly
stopped when I saw Ryan. I tried to walk away, but as with every
other time I was near Ryan, I slipped on the ice and fell to my
knees. His voice rang out in the dark like a knife to my heart.

“Cam, you know better than to be out here in the cold all by

yourself.”

He grabbed me, pulling me back to standing, but I still couldn’t

look at him.

“Jason was here. I was just getting ready to go.”
“What were you two doing out here?”
“Making out.”
Ryan looked confused, but quickly caught on to my sarcasm.
“Just taking one last look. We leave in two days. What are you

doing here, Ryan?”

WHITE OUT

“I was finished at the other station, so I thought I’d come back

here. I was hoping to see you, actually.”

Those words made me look at him, but instead of being happy

he was back, I was still so angry. “Really? Why? I thought we had
said everything we needed to say. Oh, no, wait. You didn’t say
anything at all.”

“Let’s go inside before we both freeze.”
He reached out for me, but I shoved his hands away. “I only

fall for that line once. Forget it, Ryan.”

“Fine. Freeze then. I’m going inside.”
He turned to go, and I made no move to follow him. He got

halfway to the door before he came back and grabbed my arm.
With him dragging me along, I had no choice but to follow him.
Jason was true to his word, still waiting for me when I returned
with Ryan. His mouth fell open and he couldn’t hide his surprise.

“What’s going on? Where the hell did you come from, Ryan?”
“How could you leave him out there alone, man? You know

better than that, Jason.”

Jason laughed, the sneer evident in his voice, if not on his face.

“I’m not going to take advice on how to treat Cam from you. Fuck
off.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Really. I know you broke his heart. How about that, Ryan?”
I stood between them, mortified and uncomfortable. It was time

to put an end to this awkward conversation. “You guys don’t need
me here for this. I’m going back to my room.”

I clomped away, the crampons scratching and grating against

the floor. When I got to my room, I started throwing off my parka
and snow pants and boots. I heard a knock at my door, but I didn’t
want to answer it. The knocking continued, then I heard him

WHITE OUT

calling me.

“Cam, please open up. I really need to talk to you.”
Ryan. I put my hand on the knob, but I couldn’t turn it. I rested

my head against the cool metal door, unable to move. He spoke
again, his voice urgent.

“I need to explain this to you, Cam. There’s something I didn’t

tell you before I left. Something you need to know. Then, if you
want me to leave, I’ll leave. Please let me in.”

I was too tired to fight with him, so I opened the door, then

slumped into the desk chair behind me. Ryan came in and stood on
the other side of the tiny room. We were as far apart as we could
be, but still too close for my comfort. I looked up at him and
sighed.

“Fine. Go ahead and explain. I can’t wait to hear this.”

* * *

I sat and stared daggers into him, waiting to hear his

explanation for why he did what he did. He was wringing his
hands and not looking at me. He plunked down on the floor in
front of me, clearly unable to stand any longer.

“I should’ve told you this before, but I just couldn’t. The

reason I left. It wasn’t because of you. It was because of me.”

“Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book. You don’t

expect me to believe that.”

“I know it sounds like a cliché, but it’s true. Six years ago,

before I came here, I was living with a guy in Australia. I thought
we were happy, that we were going to be together forever, but he
had other plans. Plans that didn’t include me. I couldn’t handle it,
so I ran away. That’s when I came here, but I never really got over

WHITE OUT

it. I was fine living that way, until you came along.”

“Really?”
“Yeah, Cam. I thought when we met that I was finally ready to

move on, but it all started to feel so serious and real. When you
told me that you loved me, I just panicked. I hadn’t heard those
words in so long, and you were so sincere, I just couldn’t handle it.
So I ran, like I always do.”

When I heard his story, it hit home in more ways than one.

That admitted, I was still angry and confused, and not ready to let
him off the hook just yet. “What about Randy?”

“What about him?”
“Jason told me what happened. How upset Randy was.”
He looked at me, confused, until a glimmer of recognition

swept across his face. “I don’t know what he told you, but Randy
fucked one of the guys from the kitchen while we were together. I
dumped him, yes, but can you really blame me?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that. I guess Jason didn’t either.”
My defenses were starting to drop, but the more they did, the

more scared I felt. He moved closer to me and grabbed my hand.

“You told me that night in the infirmary that you were running,

too. Please say you understand. I’m just asking for another chance.
A chance to make it up to you. Cam, I love you. I know I
should’ve said it sooner, but I’m saying it now. Can’t you
understand why I did what I did?”

I couldn’t lie to him, as much as I wanted to. “I do understand.

Of course I do, but how do I know you won’t run again?”

“Because I promise. And someone very smart once said that

it’s important to keep our promises.”

I laughed, recalling our silly conversation in the lab. In that

moment, my anger fell away; I wrapped my arms around his neck

WHITE OUT

and pulled him into a kiss. It felt so good after so long, after so
much wasted time. He pulled back, pushing my hair away from my
face. The door to my room opened and Jason was standing there,
smiling and shaking his head. He smiled as he spoke, not caring
about interrupting our romantic moment.

“Does this mean you’ll be back next season, dude?”
I shrugged, but when Ryan chimed in, I knew I was in trouble.

“Come on…please?

Ryan looked at me expectantly, and I had no choice but to

answer.

“How can I say no to that?”

WHITE OUT

CHAPTER 13

Ryan insisted we go back to his room as soon as possible. I let

him lead me to the bed, falling easily next to him, our knees
touching. He leaned toward me, and my heart leapt into my throat.
It was so unexpected, my mind buzzed, until his soft lips shut it up.
I never thought I would be back here with Ryan again, and I
relished each minute. When he pulled back, I had to tell myself to
take a breath. Ryan took that breath away when he touched my
cheek, running his thumb along the slope of my jaw. My mouth
fell open, a deep sigh floating out of my lips. His kisses took away
my remaining nervousness, my brain finally giving in to the rest of
my body. He promised, and I believed him.

Slipping off the bed to the floor, Ryan put both hands to my

belt. Kneeling between my legs, he leaned forward and kissed me.

WHITE OUT

His tongue dove past my lips, devouring me. I couldn’t stop the
moan from bubbling up in my throat, my hands clutching at his
broad shoulders. I felt my pants open, then slowly lower, and I
instinctively lifted my ass to make it easier for him. He broke our
kiss, tossing my clothes aside.

“This is why I wanted some privacy. No offense to Jason.”
“I think that was a good idea.”
Ryan put his hand on me, his fist wrapping gently around my

cock, which was already half hard. I groaned at the contact, my
eyes locked with Ryan’s. He jerked me slowly; his other hand
massaged my thigh. My hips started rising and falling without
conscious thought. I leaned forward, stealing another deep kiss
before falling back against the wall behind the bed. When he
dragged his thumb over my weeping slit, I bit my lip harder than I
needed to.

“Jesus, Ryan, you’re killing me.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?”
He removed his hands from my cock, standing up in front of

me.

“I didn’t mean you had to stop.”
“Don’t worry. I’m just trying to prolong your life.”
He pulled off his shirt, his hairy chest a sight for sore eyes.

After pulling my own T-shirt over my head, I made quick work of
my shoes as well.

Ryan disappointed me by leaving his pants on, but I didn’t say

anything as he dropped to his knees before me. He paused for a
second to look at my eyes before wrapping his lips around the
swollen head of my cock. I stared in awe as he moved his mouth
up and down over my cock. His eyes closed, his hands planted
firmly on my hips. His stifled moans caused his lips to vibrate,

WHITE OUT

sending shock waves through my body. As much as I wanted to
keep looking at him, I let my eyes fall closed and my head tilt
back. My hands fisted in his hair, the black strands wrapping easily
around my fingers.

He quickly had me right back on the edge, teetering on the

brink of coming in his mouth. His slow, deliberate pace inched me
closer; each sweeping pass of his tongue was a new slice of
exquisite torture. Part of me wanted to stop him, to hold onto the
feeling for a little while longer, but it was beyond me at that point.

“Ryan, I’m going to come.”
He made no move to stop, instead wrapping a fist around the

base of my cock, jerking in time with his pulling mouth. I yelled
out into the quiet, not caring if anyone else could hear me through
the metal door. My cock jerked and trembled uncontrollably, my
muscles all tensing and shifting at once. Finally, my body calmed,
and Ryan’s mouth slowed until it was barely moving at all. His lips
left me spent, my heart no longer trying to leap out of my chest.

I opened my eyes and saw Ryan looking up at me. He stood,

his hands on his belt buckle, his hard cock straining against the
zipper of his chinos. I don’t know where I found the strength, but I
slid from the bed to the floor. My knees hit the tiny, worn carpet
just like the one in my room without a sound, and I took over
removing Ryan’s clothes. I held my breath as I pulled his pants and
boxers down; his thick cock sprang forward. It was as beautiful as
I remembered, darker than the rest of his skin. The flared tip
begged for a lick, and I was unable to stop myself any longer.

I cast one last look up into his eyes, now glazed with desire.

My tongue ran along the ridge of his cock head, softly teasing until
I closed my mouth around him. His gasp startled me. He had been
so quiet before. As I moved his cock deeper into my throat, moan

WHITE OUT

after moan rang out around us. I heard his ragged breath, his
pleasure clearly overwhelming him.

“Cam, now you’re the one killing me.”
Ryan wrapped a strong hand around my neck, pushing himself

deeper still, until he bumped the back of my throat. I reached
around and grabbed his ass, the firm muscle moving under my
kneading fingers.

“Don’t stop, Cam. God, please don’t stop.”
I had no intention of stopping, not until I got to taste him the

way he’d tasted me. His grip loosened, but his hips continued
thrusting forward, fucking my mouth more than I was sucking him
off. I didn’t care, taking every inch of him I could, swirling my
tongue around his head each time he pulled out. He was babbling,
words falling from his mouth so fast I couldn’t understand them. I
knew he was close. With a near scream, Ryan pushed forward
again, his hot cum shooting out of him. As I swallowed, I noticed
his knees buckling, his feet sliding slightly as his body went slack.

Pulling him from my mouth, I stood, letting him lean against

me. I felt the warm moisture from his forehead as he nuzzled my
neck, his arms running up and down my back. His heavy breathing
was beginning to wane, his strength returning.

“Cam, I think we need to sit down.”
We both moved back to the bed, our lips meeting as we leaned

together. I ran my fingers across his bare chest, feeling his
pounding heart under my palm. I was searching my brain for the
right way to express what I was feeling, to put what happened into
words. My mouth opened and I leaned a bit closer to him as his
eyes searched mine expectantly. Just then, a roar of laughter
erupted outside our door, the hooting and hollering of an end of the
season party. The romantic moment was broken as we both

WHITE OUT

laughed.

“God, I missed you, Cam.”
“Me, too, so much. Let’s never go through that again.”
“We won’t. I promise.”

WHITE OUT

EPILOGUE

An unexpected storm grounded our flight out of Antarctica for

a couple of days. It gave Ryan and me time to catch up, to get
reacquainted without the specter of work hanging over our heads.
Needless to say, we didn’t leave his room very often, except when
Jason dragged us to the bar for a last round of drinks.

Ryan agreed to take a much-needed break and come back to

civilization with me. He hadn’t seen the real world in so long he
had a long list of requests for when we got back. The first order of
business was a trip to a beach to enjoy a warm day outside. I had
agreed to another season at the station, but after that, I was hoping
he would consider rejoining the world with me back in the good
old USA.

Ryan held my hand as our plane finally took off and we were

WHITE OUT

on our way to leaving the cold and the ice behind. He kissed me,
long and slow. The seatbelt light dinged on and the plane banked
hard to the right. I took one last look at the huge white island
getting smaller and smaller.

It turned out Jason was wrong about Antarctica. There was

magic there, and I had the soul mate to prove it.

EIDI

HAMPA

Heidi Champa is a typical last-born child. Snarky, attention-
seeking and rebellious, she started to create dirty stories to keep
herself out of real trouble. Having tried her hand at a million
terrible jobs, she bought herself a laptop and finally started typing
up those handwritten tales. After much deliberation, she started to
let other people read her work.

In addition to her flare with the written word, she knows every
sentence of the movie Clue by heart and bakes a mean Funny
Cake. When she is not writing, she can be found reading, hiking or
filling her iPod with more music. Her life has taken her all over the
world, but a piece of her heart will always be in Australia. She
lives in Pennsylvania with her husband. Her greatest wish is that
her sarcasm would translate better in the written form.

Find her online at heidichampa.blogspot.com.

MBER

UILL

RESS

, LLC

OLD

TANDARD IN

UBLISHING

UALITY

OOKS

OTH

RINT AND

LECTRONIC

ORMATS

CTION

DVENTURE

USPENSE

HRILLER

CIENCE

ICTION

ARK

ANTASY

AINSTREAM

OMANCE

ORROR

ROTICA

ANTASY

GLBT

ESTERN

YSTERY

ARANORMAL

ISTORICAL

IRECT

AVE

www.AmberQuill.com

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