Indefinitie Stay

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…“Joel told me that he’d understand if I needed to…if I ended up

having…uh, being with someone else. But that’s not the point.”

“The point is you’re human. Nothing wrong with that.”
I looked at him and out of nowhere I felt angry.
“You don’t get it. As much as things suck, this is my life. I chose

it, and I have to live with the consequences. Now, take your food and
go.”

“You don’t want me to go.”
This time I got into his space and before I could stop myself, I was

yelling.

“Stop telling me what I want. You don’t know me.”
“Rory…”
I reached out to shove him, but instead I found myself in his arms,

his embrace smothering my desire to lash out. I let him embrace me
and held my breath to keep the tears from flowing. I tried to pull away,
but he held me tighter, his hand running up and down my back.

“It’s okay, Rory. You can let it out if you want to.”
I struggled for another moment, but in the end, I didn’t have the

strength to fight him. His  words made  me break, and I started to cry,
sobs  wracking  through  my  body.  I  hadn’t  cried  at  all  since  Joel  first
got  arrested.  I’d  spent  so  much  time  pretending  to  be  okay,  I’d
managed to convince  myself  that I actually  was  fine.  All through the
hearings, the motions, the time he spent in jail before his family posted
bail, the trial and the sentencing, I held it together. For over two years,
I  stayed  strong,  never  letting  anyone  know  the  hell  I  was  going
through  inside,  too  worried  about  how  Joel  was  feeling.  But  in  that
room with Stuart, everything started to unravel. For the first time, I let
it all fall apart…

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LSO

EIDI

HAMPA

Against Type

All Expenses Paid
Charitable Giving

Dog Days Of Summer

Down Memory Lane

Go Coastal

Left Of The Dial

Losing And Gaining

Next Stop: Funnel Cake

Number One Pick

One More Summer

Picking Up The Spare

The Right Wrong Turn

Roadside Assistance

Summer Of Love

White Out

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HEIDI CHAMPA

MBER

UILL

RESS

LLC

http://www.AmberQuill.com

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NDEFINITE

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MBER

UILL

RESS

OOK

This book is a work of fiction.

All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the

author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales,

or events is entirely coincidental.

Amber Quill Press, LLC

http://www.AmberQuill.com

No portion of this book may be transmitted or

reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in

writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief

excerpts used for the purposes of review.

ISBN 978-1-61124-516-5

PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

INDEFINITE STAY

CHAPTER 1

The sun had just come over the horizon as I got on the

highway,  the  route  so  familiar  I  could  have  done  it  with  my  eyes
closed. Which was good, because as tired as I was, my eyes falling
closed  was  a  good  possibility.  Over  three  hours  on  the  deserted
road  did  little  to  keep  me  awake,  no  matter  how  many  cups  of
coffee I drank. All to get where I was going by eight A.M. By now,
the  trip  was  second  nature,  the  ritual  down  to  a  science.  It  was
something I never thought I’d get used to, but after nearly a year, it
seemed  as  normal  as  anything  else  in  my  life.  The  big  four-lane
highway  was  nearly  empty,  except  for  me  and  the  truckers  who
flew  by  me  at  speeds  that  made  me  more  than  a  little
uncomfortable. As the miles ticked by, I let my mind wander, to all
the other things I could be doing with my early Saturday morning

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and the rest of my weekend, come to that. It seemed a small
sacrifice, under the circumstances.

It was usually by this time of the trip that I wanted to turn

around and go home. The reality of what I was doing started to set
in yet again, but I was too far from home to give up now. Besides,
Joel was expecting me, and it wasn’t in me to let him down, even
though he’d let me down a million times before. My exit came up,
and I nearly missed it, my mind elsewhere.

As I slowed for the light at the bottom of the ramp, another car

pulled alongside me, and I glanced over out of habit. I recognized
the face, a younger blonde woman I’d seen a few times before on
my trip. She gave me a weak smile, her eyes looking as tired as
mine. When the light changed, we both turned left, but she peeled
out next to me and took off, leading the way down the winding
road that took us deeper into the middle of nowhere.

My nerves started to creep up, like they always did. I thought

I’d get  used to it,  that  coming to see Joel  would stop  making  me
feel  sick  to  my  stomach,  but  so  far  it  hadn’t.  We  passed  the  last
few  farms  before  every  other  sign  of  life  disappeared.  We  were
close. The girl in the car in front of me was almost out of view, the
hills  making  it  hard  for  me  to  keep  up  with  her.  Plus,  while  she
seemed  to  be  in  a  rush  to  get  to  our  destination,  I  found  myself
slowing  down,  trying  to  delay  the  inevitable.  I  made  a  right  turn
onto  a  perfectly  paved  road  and  took  a  few  deep  breaths  to  keep
my heart from pounding out of my chest.

The prison came into view, slate grey buildings in a sea of

green, all surrounded by fences topped with razor wire. My hands
were trembling as I turned into the long driveway, the guard gate
stopping me in my tracks. I gave my name to the guy, the same one
who seemed to always be here on Saturdays, and he checked his

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computer. The gate slid open, creaking and clunking as the metal
moved, and I pulled in, but instead of heading to the parking area
like I always did, I was met by two more guards, their hands up in
the universal sign for stop. My window was still rolled down, and
one of the guards leaned down to talk to me.

“We’re going to need you to get out of the car please, sir.”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, sir. Just a routine inspection. Now, please

pull over to the green dot, shut off the car and get out slowly.”

I nodded and tried to smile, but the knot in my stomach

wouldn’t even let me fake it. I did as I was told and got out of the
car, careful not to do anything that would get me into trouble. I
stood next to the other guard, while the first guy went through my
car. I had no idea what he was looking for. I’d seen them do this to
other people once or twice, but in all the times I’d visited Joel,
they’d never bothered to search my car. I knew they were allowed
to, so I said nothing as the guy went over everything.

Glancing at my watch, I looked up to see a few more familiar

faces going into the prison. In that moment, I couldn’t believe what
my life had turned into. The inspecting guard moved onto the
trunk, and when he popped it open, he let out a sigh and looked at
me.

“You have a lot of stuff in here, man.”
“I know… sorry. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be looking in

there.”

It seemed like the wrong thing to say, but it was out of my

mouth before I could stop it. He dug through the trash and
nonsense that had accumulated over the last few months until he
was satisfied and slammed the truck lid shut.

“Okay, move it along.”

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They said it as if I was the one holding them up, so I hurried

into my car and parked. My usual spot was filled already, which
meant I had to find another near the back of the lot. I pushed
through the main doors and grabbed my number. Most of the seats
in the lobby were already full, so I leaned against the wall instead.
I made eye contact with the blonde woman I’d seen driving in; her
face looked the same as everyone else’s in the place. Resigned.

They called my number, and I went up to the desk, fishing my

driver’s license out and sliding it across the counter to the guard.
While he was taking my information, I signed in, pausing as I
usually did to try to remember the license plate number on my car.
I never could memorize it, for some reason. It was a different story
with Joel’s inmate number. That convoluted sequence was burned
onto my brain from the first time I’d seen it.

The guard handed me a locker key, and I gave him a quick,

meaningless smile. I  walked over to the corresponding locker and
threw  my  wallet,  keys  and  sunglasses  inside.  I  reached  into  my
jeans  pocket  and  took  out  the  folded  zipper  bag  and  filled  it  with
the change and singles I’d brought for the vending machines. Once
I locked everything up, I put the key in the bag and returned to my
post on the wall. I watched as, one by one, my fellow visitors were
called up to the desk, repeating the same process I’d gone through,
until it was time for us to walk through the metal detectors. It was
painful to watch the little kids, there to see their fathers or brothers
or  whoever,  have  to  go  through  the  process.  Luckily  for  most  of
them, they were too little to understand what it all really meant.

Finally, it was my turn. I put my plastic bag down for them to

look through and walked through the detector, holding my breath
that the rivets on my jeans wouldn’t set the thing off. It had
happened to me before, and I was refused entry. But I managed to

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get through the first time no problem. I picked up my bag and held
out my right hand so they could stamp it with their clever invisible
ink. I made it to the second lobby, where we waited for our
visitors’ passes.

As I picked my chair, the German shepherd they used for drug

sniffing walked into the room. One of the little girls started
freaking out at the sight of him, but I sat stock still as they walked
him by and let him sniff all around me. I always worried the smell
of some joint my roommate Monroe smoked months before would
still be in my clothes, but so far, I’d been lucky. I’d been there as
they busted several people for failing their drug dog sniff test.

Once the dog had cleared us all, we got to do more waiting

after getting our passes. I looked down at mine, with my name and
Joel’s number on it and the word “family.” We weren’t family, but
the state penitentiary didn’t know that. According to them, I was
Joel’s cousin. He thought that would be better than saying I was a
friend, and certainly they’d never be able to write who I really was.
The thought of the word boyfriend on my pass made my heart go
into palpitations. I sat and waited for them to call back and tell Joel
he had a visitor.

Joel had filled me in on all he had to go through to see me. I

thought of him, his clothes inspected for smuggled contraband,
strip-searched and then put into the vile jumpsuit they made them
all wear in the family room. The process on his end took a while,
and I wished I had a book or my phone or something to wile away
the time until he was ready. My blonde friend was next to me,
twirling a lock of her hair like she always did when we waited.

“Fancy seeing you here.”
I was trying to make a joke, but she merely looked confused.
“You saw me on the way in.”

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Her tone was flat, and I was concerned my attempt at small talk

only made her angry.

“Sorry, I was trying to make a joke. A bad one as it turns out.”
“Oh, right. Well, this place doesn’t really put me in the joking

mood.”

“Me neither, but I just thought…hell, I don’t know what I

thought. I was trying to feel normal for a second.”

I was surprised by my own admission, but it was too late to

take it back.

“Yeah, every time I come here, I think about how nice it would

be to spend a weekend doing something normal, you know. Instead
of hauling my ass all the way here to see my boyfriend’s deadbeat,
lying ass.”

Her anger was visceral, something I’d felt, but never really

expressed.  My  one  friend  at  home  who  was  still  talking  to  me
didn’t  exactly  want  to  hear  me  keep  griping  about  the  fact  my
boyfriend  was  in  jail.  Monroe  told  me  to  dump  him  a  million
times, even if I did believe he was innocent. But I couldn’t. I was
all Joel had. When he finally got out of here, we were going to start
our lives over again. I just had to be patient. But the anger…well, it
was  always  there,  below  the  surface,  boiling  like  magma  looking
for an escape.

“I think the same thing, too, but here we are.”
“Who are you here to see?”
“His name is Joel. He’s my cousin.”
“You come here to see your cousin? You must be close.”
I could see the skepticism on her face, but I had my stock

answer for these situations.

“I’m really the only family he’s got. His dad, my uncle, passed

away, and I promised I’d look after him. So here I am.”

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“Wow. I wish I had family like you. My parents basically

disowned me for staying married to Ray.”

I never questioned someone’s loyalty to a partner in jail, so I

kept my mouth shut on that subject.

“Well, I do the best I can for him. Sometimes, though, it’s a

real drag.”

“It’s really sweet that you do this for him. He’s lucky to have

you in his life.”

I smiled and opened my mouth to reply, but she was called

away.

“See you inside.”

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CHAPTER 2

The heavy metal door on the other side of the room buzzed,

and  she  walked  through  quickly.  I’d  learned  the  hard  way  that
when that thing starts making noise, you only have a few seconds
to act. Wait too long and the guard has to do it all again, and they
are  not  happy  about  that.  I  waited,  having  no  idea  how  long  I’d
been  sitting  there,  when  they  finally  called  me  up.  It  was  then  I
glanced  at  the  watch  on  the  wrist  of  the  guard  and  noticed  it  was
nearly ten in the morning. Usually, I was back to see Joel by nine.
He was really late this morning. I was the last one remaining in the
waiting room when I buzzed through.

No matter how many times I walked the long hall, it still felt

surreal and creepy. It was as long as a football field, with windows
lining the whole thing. To the left, you could see what was called

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restricted  housing.  To  the  right  was  the  yard,  where  there  were  a
few  basketball  hoops  with  no  net  and  a  few  benches  to  sit  on.  It
had  so  much  fence  and  razor  wire  around  it,  it  looked  like  some
kind of demented playground.

I got to the other end of the hall and stood, waiting for the next

guard  to  buzz  me  through.  Sometimes,  it  happened  right  away;
other  times,  like  today,  I  stood  there  for  what  felt  like  an  eternity
before  they  let  me  in.  Once  inside,  I  instinctively  stuck  my  right
hand  under  the  light  so  the  guard  behind  the  tinted  glass  could
verify  I  was  cleared  to  visit.  I  held  my  pass  up  to  the  glass  and
heard the electronic tinged voice say its only word.

“Okay.”
I made my left turn and was finally in the visitors’ room. I went

to the final guard station and gave them my pass. I could see Joel
approach  and  hand  the  guard  his  ID  that  allowed  him  into  the
room.  The  guard  gave  me  a  nod,  and  I  followed  Joel  to  a  table
across the room. Before we sat, we were allowed to hug, which we
did.  It  was  always  quick,  and  we  tried  to  make  it  look  as  normal
and non-romantic as possible. He always slapped me on the back a
few times for good measure and sat first.

“Hey, Rory! Man, it’s good to see you.”
“You, too.”
I looked around the room and saw the blonde and the guy who

had to be Ray, holding hands over their table and leaning in to talk.
I’d  seen  them  both  before,  but  never  paid  much  attention.  They
appeared to be arguing, despite the hug and kiss they’d shared. The
little kids who’d been in the lobby were sitting with a guy by the
window.  He  looked  like  someone  you  might  see  anywhere.
Certainly  not  like  a  hardened  criminal.  It  was  a  weird  mix  of  the
two in the family room.

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“So, how was the drive in? No problems?”
“Nah, everything was good. Just had to leave so early, you

know.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”
I watched the other inmates and their families, smiling and

trying  to  be  happy  with  the  little  time  they  had  together.  All  I
wanted  to  do  was  touch  Joel,  something  as  simple  as  holding
hands, but I couldn’t. There was no way we’d ever be able to show
any  true  affection.  I  tried  once  to  put  a  hand  on  his  shoulder—
something  I  considered  to  be  a  benign  gesture—but  he’d  freaked
out, so I’d never done it again.

“Why were you so late getting in here today? It seemed to take

forever. Wasted nearly an hour of the visit.”

“One of the other inmates was trying to start shit, and the

guards got all pissed. So, to punish me, they took their sweet time
processing me out.”

“What was the argument about?”
“Don’t worry about it, Rory. It was nothing you need to

concern yourself with. There’s always someone in here trying to
start shit. Especially guys who no one ever comes to see. They
don’t care if they fuck up your visitation.”

“Sounds pretty messed up to me.”
“It is, but there’s nothing I can do.”
He looked at me and, for the first time since I sat down, I met

his eyes. It was still impossible to believe he was in this place. I
hated everything about it.

“Tell me what’s been going on with you.”
I shook my head and tried to come up with something worth

talking about.

“Not much since I saw you last. Working. Trying to keep up

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with the bills. Taking shit from Monroe and my parents for coming
out here. Oh, and I found out I’m not going to be able to get
overtime anymore, so I might have to find something else to get
that extra money.”

“What? Like a second job.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
Joel sighed. I hated complaining to him, but there wasn’t much

good going on in my life at the moment. When I first started
coming to visit, I tried to paint things in a rosy light to make him
feel better. After a few months, it stopped working.

“Sorry, Rory. I really am.”
“You don’t have to keep saying so.”
“Well, I have something that might cheer you up a bit. My

lawyer was here yesterday.”

“I know. I pay for him, remember?”
“Right. Anyway, he said he thinks we have a good chance of

getting a new hearing soon.”

“He said that the last time, too.”
“Yeah, but this time he actually met with the prosecutor, and

they think it should all work out by the end of September.”

“That’s like six weeks away.”
“God damn, why do you have to be so negative all the time?

I’m the one in here. I’m the one who should be balking at six
weeks.”

“Sorry, Joel.”
I reached my hands under the table, hoping he’d sneak a touch,

but he didn’t. I sighed and grabbed my plastic bag. “You want
something to eat, man?”

“Yeah, the usual.”
I trudged up to the machines and stood behind a huge inmate,

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who always sneered at everyone. When it was my turn, I pumped
the change into the machine and got Joel his chips and soda,
getting myself a candy bar and water. When I got back to the table,
I tried to move a bit closer to Joel, but he only moved away again.

“Thanks, man. Put it on my tab.”
It was one of Joel’s favorite jokes. All the money I was

spending to pay for his lawyer, the cash I put in his account so he
could buy things in the commissary and paying to talk to him long
distance was starting to add up. He thought by saying that, it made
up for it. It didn’t, and the joke had stopped being funny a while
ago.

“Right. I’m sure that three bucks is going to break me.”
“You don’t have to be a dick about everything, you know.”
I bit back what I really wanted to say and took a sip of my

water.

“Sorry. It was an early start for me and I’m tired.”
“How do you think I feel? God forbid they do visitation later.”
He smiled, but it was hard to return it. I bit into my candy and

chewed slowly, looking around at the other tables. The blonde met
my eyes and smiled at me, giving me a small wave. Her husband
looked scary as hell, even from a distance. When he looked at me,
I turned away, not wanting to cause any trouble. I eyed Joel and,
before I could think better of it, said what was really on my mind
for a change.

“I miss you, Joel.”
He raised his eyebrows, looking around quickly to see if

anyone had heard me say it.

“Me, too, man,” he said in a whisper.
I hated that he couldn’t even express a simple sentiment like

missing me without it being a big deal.

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We started to make useless small talk, and Joel told me about

something crazy his cellmate did and the latest stupid thing that
happened at his job in the wood shop. I did a lot of nodding and
smiling, even though inside, I wanted to run away and never come
back to this place.

“Thanks for coming to see me, Rory. It means a lot.”
“No problem. I wish it could be more often.”
Another outright lie, but under the circumstances, it seemed to

be what he needed to hear.

“Me, too.”
He stared at me, and for a moment, I could see the man I fell in

love with. The guy who stole my heart and made me feel happier
than I’d ever been. But if I shifted my eyes down a few inches, the
orange of his jumpsuit ruined it all. The main guard who patrolled
the room called out, everyone getting quiet for a moment.

“Alright, everyone. Time’s up.”
The three hours of visitation went by in a flash, but in other

ways  it  felt  interminable.  I  got  up  from  the  table  and  threw  away
our  trash.  Joel  stood,  too,  and  gave  me  another  quick  hug,  stiffly
wrapping  his  arms  around  me  and  slapping  me  harder  than  he
needed to.

“See you tomorrow, man.”
“Yeah. Same time. Be careful, okay?”
“I always am.”
Before they led him away, he smiled. I knew what he was

going to say, but it still made my heart swell to hear it. Since we
couldn’t tell each other how we really felt, we’d developed a code
to say it for us.

“Give Aunt Betty my love.”
I couldn’t help but grin back and give my half of the coded

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reply. “Don’t worry. I will.”

They led him away, and I went back to the guard station so I

could be let out. As I walked the long hallway back to where my
wallet and keys were, the blonde came up next to me.

“So, how was your visit?”
“Oh, it was fine. Joel seemed to be in good spirits.”
“Not Ray. He’s such a bastard sometimes. You coming back

tomorrow?”

“Yup.”
“Staying at the Feather?”
“Yup.”
“Cool. I’ve seen you there a couple times before. Never at the

bar, though.”

“Yeah, I’m not much of a drinker. Usually, anyway. Lately,

though…”

“I know what you mean. Maybe I’ll see you at the bar, then.

Lord knows I’ll need a drink tonight.”

“Yeah, maybe.”
She sped up and was a few steps in front of me when she

turned around. “I’m Vanessa, by the way.”

“Rory.”
“Nice to meet you Rory.”
We got out to the parking lot after the usual rigmarole. I saw

Vanessa again, unlocking her car.

“This is some life we have, huh, Rory?”
“You can say that again.”

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CHAPTER 3

I pulled into the Broken Feather Motel and grabbed my bag

from the backseat. The Broken Feather was the closest place to the
prison, which still put it about twenty miles away from the jail. It
was right off the turnpike, the exact kind of place you’d stop if you
were desperate for a good night’s sleep and had no other options.
For me, unfortunately, it had become like a second home. The
motel was old, but more comfortable than it appeared. And the bar
on site was a plus. Vanessa wasn’t the only one who needed a
drink.

The front door made a weird electronic noise when I walked in,

a new addition since I’d been there the week before. When I
looked behind the desk, expecting to see the owner, Sid, there was
another new addition. Someone younger—and hotter—was in

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Sid’s place. His dirty blond hair was messy, but adorable, and his
lanky frame with the hint of muscle took my breath away for a
moment. When our eyes met, the blue I saw staring back at me
forced my heart to run a little faster.

“Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I’m checking in. The name’s Driskell. Rory Driskell.”
His fingers danced over the keyboard, and I watched his

forearms flex. It wasn’t until he cleared his throat that I looked up
again.

“Just the one night, Mr. Driskell?”
“Yeah.”
“Great. Here’s your key and you’re in room thirty-one. Right

around the corner of the building.”

“I know where it is. I’ve stayed here before. Usually in the

same room.”

“Ah, are you one of our regulars?”
“You could say that.”
“Well, then you’ll have to get used to seeing me. Since my

dad’s knee operation, I’ve been helping out around here.”

“You’re Sid’s son? From California?”
“Well, I’m not from there, but that’s where I’ve been living.

Name’s Stuart. I can’t believe he talks about me.”

“All the time. Well, at least in the time I’ve been staying here.

I’ve heard all about Stuart in San Francisco. God, it must be hard
to be here.”

“It’s not so bad. It’s temporary and what can I say? He’s my

dad. It’s family.”

“Right.”
“And what brings you to our cheerful little town?”
I hesitated, trying to think of another reason to be where I was.

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Suddenly, it hit me.

“Passing through. I travel a lot for work, and this is about

halfway between where I’m from and where I’m headed.”

It felt like a brilliant lie. I hoped he believed me, even though I

wasn’t sure why it seemed so important. I didn’t know the guy,
after all.

“Sounds familiar. Anyway, enjoy your stay and let me know if

you need anything.”

“Thanks, I will.”
His grin was so warm I had to look away. When I got to my

room, I collapsed on the bed and let out the breath it felt like I’d
been holding since I left the  prison. I closed  my eyes and  tried to
clear  my head, but instead of finding peace, I  found  my  head full
of Stuart and his sexy eyes. I let my mind settle on him for a few
minutes before the guilt pushed him aside and sent me an image of
Joel in his prison jumpsuit, being led away from me. That was all it
took  to  knock  the  new  desk  clerk  right  out  of  my  mind.  I  got  up
and  started  shucking  my  clothes,  needing  a  shower  after  my  long
car ride and day at the prison.

The hot water was always reliable at the motel, and I turned it

as hot as I could stand it. Letting the liquid hit  my  face, I tried to
wash away the day and all the tension. The industrial exhaust  fan
filled  the  small  bathroom  with  noise,  but  I  tried  to  ignore  it.  The
hot water was doing little to take the knots out of my shoulders that
hours of driving had put in. And my mind wouldn’t stop swirling.
What I really needed was to jerk off. I pressed my back against the
shower wall and grabbed the tiny soap the place provided.

Lathering up, I dropped my hand to my dick and started to

stroke, my erection coming faster than I thought it would. I thought
of the last time Joel and I were together, before he’d gone to

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prison. I  missed  his  mouth and his touch so  much. Even a  simple
kiss would have been enough for me after so long apart. I couldn’t
even  have  that,  though.  All  I  had  were  my  memories  and,  at  the
moment,  they  would  have  to  do.  I  pinched  my  eyes  shut  and
imagined  Joel  on  his  knees  in  front  of  me,  sucking  my  cock.  My
hand was a poor substitute, but for the most part it was working. I
let myself get lost in the idea and did my best to will the sensations
into being.

I was getting close to coming, my body getting tenser by the

minute. Joel’s face flashed through my mind, but the image didn’t
last  long.  A  flash  of  blue  eyes  made  my  mouth  fall  open,  and  I
realized that my fantasy was no longer based in reality. Stuart had
taken over and I saw him on his knees as I started to come all over
the  shower  floor.  I  slumped  farther  down  the  wall,  the  water  still
scorching  hot  as  I  blinked  my  eyes  open  again.  The  tension  was
gone, but it was replaced by more guilt. I mean, I was only human,
so I still looked. But it felt wrong.

“Oh, fuck.”
I washed quickly and turned off the taps, drying on the

threadbare towel, then stepped from the steam of the shower to the
cool  of  my  room.  It  was  almost  three  in  the  afternoon,  and  my
stomach  was  growling. I hadn’t eaten anything but the  candy bar
since I’d arrived. It was too early to eat when I left the house and I
was  always  too  keyed  up  at  the  jail  to  eat  more  than  candy.  Now
that  the  adrenalin  was  gone,  my  appetite  returned.  There  was  a
pizza place a  few  miles toward town, but I really didn’t  feel like
getting  back  in  the  car.  I  could  only  hope  the  bar  was  open  and
would  have  something  to  eat.  Sid  would  have  hooked  me  up,  but
since he wasn’t there, I had no idea if I’d get anything more than
what they had to offer in their vending machine selection.

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The bar was deserted when I walked in, except for someone I

didn’t recognize behind the bar. I sat on a stool and expected him
to acknowledge me, but he walked through a door and disappeared.
After a few minutes, I got up and headed toward the exit, ready to
drive into town, when I heard a voice behind me.

“Hey. Rory, right?”
I turned around and saw him behind the bar. Stuart and his blue

eyes.

“Yeah. I was hoping there might be something to eat.”
“Well, we usually don’t start serving until after five, but—”
“Oh, okay, never mind.”
I took another step, but he stopped me.
“Wait, I was going to say, you’re in luck. I was trying out a few

things in the kitchen, and I’d love someone else’s opinion. Jerry’s
no help. He’ll eat anything. You game?”

I felt like I should say no, like somehow if I was close to him

he’d be able to tell what I was thinking about in the shower a few
minutes ago. But my stomach made my decision for me, so I
walked back to the bar.

“Sure. I’m happy to help.”
“Perfect, I’ll be right back.”
He disappeared through the door, and I heard some dishes

clanking before he returned, two plates of food in his hands. He set
them down in front of me, and I was hit by the most amazing
aromas.

“Wow, this looks amazing. I thought you were in real estate

back in California.”

He looked surprised, and I realized how what I said sounded to

him.

“You weren’t kidding when you said my dad talked a lot about

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me.”

I grinned, trying not to blush as he kept going.
“I was in real estate, but when I had to come here, I decided it

was the perfect time to make a change. When I get back home, a
friend and I are going to open a restaurant. He’s the brains. I’m the
chef.”

“Oh. Sounds great.”
“So, I need you to be honest about the food. I can take it.”
I gazed up into his eyes and felt a kick in my stomach. My

mind shot to the scene in the shower, the image my daydream had
come up with burned into my psyche. My cheeks felt hot, and I
looked down at the plate to get my composure back. I took my first
forkful of food and shoved it into my mouth. It was delicious.
Better than anything I’d eaten in years.

“Holy shit, this is amazing.”
I wanted to say more, but I wanted to keep eating more. So I let

him talk, while I practically inhaled each bite, his explanation of
the ingredients and preparation falling on deaf ears. It was all lost
on me, as I only knew it was excellent.

“So, you really like it, Rory?”
When my mouth was finally empty, I smiled up at him.
“Are you kidding? This is so good. I’m not expert, but I think

you’ve got all the talent you need.”

He shook his head and looked a bit embarrassed by my words.

“Sweet of you to say, but San Francisco is a tough market. We’ll
see.”

Stuart stuck his fork into the second plate at the same time as I

did, the tines banging together. I pulled back, nearly spilling some
of the sauce onto my pants.

“Sorry, man. You go ahead. After all, you cooked it.”

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“Thanks. I’m surprised you have any room left after the first

plate.”

“Oh, well, uh…I didn’t get to eat much today.”
I set my fork down and wiped my mouth. My table manners

had always been a bit lax, but in front of Stuart, I felt like an oaf.

“It’s cool man. Eat as much as you want. Lord knows, I sample

more than I should in the kitchen.”

He rubbed his stomach, which, from what I could tell, didn’t

have an ounce of fat on it, and I wondered for a moment what his
skin would feel like. I shook my head to clear my mind. Stuart
picked up my fork and handed it back to me. I took a bite,
conscious of my need to slow down.

“Thanks for doing this, man. I really appreciate it.”
“My pleasure, Stuart. Thank you for feeding me. I really didn’t

want to have to drive any more today.”

“How much farther do you have to go tomorrow?”
I tried to remember what I told him when I checked in, but

everything was a blank.

“Um, a couple more hours.”
“Not too bad, then.”
Once the food was gone, our conversation came to a halt. I

knew I should go back to my room, but I didn’t want to. I was
having too much fun. It was the first time I’d really talked with
anyone other than Monroe and Joel in a long time. It felt good. Too
good. I glanced at the clock on the wall and plotted my exit.

“Well, I should let you get back to work. I’ve taken up enough

of your time.”

“It’s been fun. And, believe me, you didn’t keep me from

anything.”

“Good. Thanks again for the food.”

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CHAPTER 4

The bar at eight was much different than it was at three in the

afternoon.  I’d  fallen  asleep  soon  after  I  returned  to  my  room,
Stuart’s cooking putting me into a food coma and getting me some
much-needed  rest.  After  I  splashed  some  water  on  my  face  and
changed  my  shirt,  I’d  felt  mostly  human  again.  When  I  pushed
through  the  bar  doors,  there  was  rowdy  conversation  everywhere
and out of the corner of  my eye, I saw  someone  waving at  me. It
was  Vanessa,  her  blonde  hair  teased  out  and  wearing  way  more
make up than she’d had on before. She motioned me to her table,
and I smiled as I approached.

“Hey, Rory, how’re doing?”
“I’m good, Vanessa. You?”
“I’m great. I’m already a few drinks in, though, so you have

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some catching up to do.”

As if on cue, the waitress appeared, and before I could open my

mouth, Vanessa ordered for both of us.

“We’ll have two light beers and two shots of rye.”
“Actually, Vanessa, I don’t usually—”
The waitress was gone before I finished my sentence, so I went

with it. I wasn’t in the mood to make waves. I could handle two
drinks. After that, well, I wasn’t sure.

“What were you gonna say?” She drank the brown liquid left in

her glass and slammed it down on the table.

“Nothing. Not important.”
“Man, I’m so tired. Tired of all this, you know?”
I nodded as she rubbed her nose, her eyes red like she’d been

crying.

“You okay?”
“No, I’m not okay! How could I be? My husband’s in jail. My

family hates me, and I’ve got no life except this. Driving out here
to see his stupid ass. I want to leave him, I do, but I feel trapped,
you know? Like your cousin, I’m all Ray’s got. Every time I think
about never coming back, he calls and he’s so sweet. He guilt trips
me right back into my car. I hate him sometimes, you know?”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, but I stopped

myself from letting her know that. I barely knew her and, as much
as I wanted to vent about Joel, another inmate’s wife wasn’t the
person to tell. Besides, I wasn’t supposed to be anything more than
a cousin.

“I can imagine.”
“At least your cousin appreciates it when you visit. Ray acts

like he’s doing me a favor by staying out of trouble so he can make
his visits. God, I’m so stupid, you know?”

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The waitress returned with our drinks, and Vanessa nearly

grabbed the shot out of her hand to drink it. I let mine sit in front of
me, choosing instead to sip the nasty beer she’d ordered for me.

“I wish I knew what to do. I say this every time I come visit. I

need something to change.”

I nodded again, and she looked at me with weepy eyes.
“Sorry, I’ve been rambling on. How are you doing, honey?”
“I’m fine.”
“I bet it’s hard on you, being the only one your cousin has,

huh?”

I drank more beer, trying to numb out a bit before I answered.
“Yeah, I get what you mean about feeling obligated. I mean, I

know it’s not the same situation you have with Ray, but there are
plenty of times I wish I didn’t have to make this trip.”

“I wish we’d talked sooner. I always meant to say something to

ya, but I never usually talk to anyone out here. Seems too weird.
But you’re real sweet, Rory.”

“You’re nice, too, Vanessa.”
“Call me Ness, everyone does. Except Ray. That prick.” She

drank half her beer in one gulp and wiped her mouth on her sleeve.
“Having a con in your life is nothing but trouble. I should’ve
listened to my mother and dumped Ray as soon as they said he was
guilty. What’s your cousin in for?”

I was shocked she asked, as I was always wary to do so. I

didn’t think Joel would mind if I told her, so I decided to share.

“Drug charge. Possession with intent to distribute. Plus they

added a trafficking charge, which is total bullshit. He’s fighting it,
though. We’re hoping he’s going to get a hearing soon to introduce
some new evidence and get him out.”

“That’s nice. I wish I could be hopeful like you. But, between

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you and me…” She leaned in close and whispered over the music.
“Ray’s guilty as sin. Drug charge, too. He’s not getting out any
time soon. It’s his third offense. Bastard.”

I didn’t say anything, just drank my shot and felt the burn all

the way down to my stomach. I chased it with a bit of beer, but the
taste lingered in my mouth. It was then I saw Stuart stroll through
the bar, his slow gait that of a man without a care in the world.
God, he looked hot, his jeans tight over his extremely nice ass. I
turned my focus back to Vanessa, who’d also been checking him
out.

“God, that Stuart is so dreamy. Ray used to be cute, back when

we first met.”

I didn’t respond at all, even though I was dying to. The last

thing I wanted to do was out myself to someone who would then
pass it on to an inmate housed with Joel. I decided to change the
subject.

“How did you and Ray meet?”
Vanessa’s face softened a bit, and she drank a sip of beer

before she told the story.

“We met in high school. He was a badass, even then. Drove a

motorcycle, and I thought he was the coolest thing I’d ever seen.
My parents hated him on sight, which helped.”

I smiled listening to her, the love that seemed so broken still

clearly there.

“It usually does,” I said, with a smile.
“Anyway, we’ve broken up a bunch of times, but we always

get back together. I stuck by him through his first two times inside.
They were only a year each. This is a whole different story.”

She motioned for the waitress again and sighed. “You gonna

finish that drink, honey?”

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I shook my head and pushed my half-full beer over to her.
“Nope, have at it.”
“Thanks.”
Stuart was leaning on the bar, and, while Vanessa finished my

drink, I drank him in instead. He caught me looking and winked at
me, his blue eyes shining even at a distance. I smiled and turned
away to Vanessa, staring down at her empty glass.

“I’m tired, Rory. I think I’m going back to my room.”
The waitress appeared asking if we needed anything more to

drink, and Vanessa reached into her purse to settle her tab. I
grabbed my wallet and was ready to stop her when Stuart appeared
at the table.

“Don’t worry about the tab, Stacey. I’ll take care of it.”
Vanessa looked up at Stuart and smiled.
“Thanks so much, sweetie. You’re the best. No wonder Sid’s

so proud of you.”

He helped her out of her chair, and before she left, she kissed

me on the cheek.

“Thanks for listening, hon. See you back at the jail tomorrow.”
Stuart looked at me, and I felt my face burn. He put his arm

around Vanessa and turned to lead her away. Before they went, he
looked into my eyes.

“You sticking around for a while?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Cool.”
He eased the stumbling Vanessa out the door and my mouth

went dry. I looked down at my empty glass and wished I hadn’t
given her the rest of my beer.

* * *

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“I hope this is better than that stuff Vanessa ordered for you.”
“Anything would be better than that. Sorry. Not that I’m

busting on what your bar serves. ”

“Well, this is from a local brewer. Pretty good stuff, I think.”
The craft beer Stuart put in front of me smelled like heaven, but

my stomach was still in knots waiting for him to mention what
Vanessa had said. There was no way he hadn’t heard her. I picked
up the pint and took a long sip.

“It is good, Stuart. Thanks.”
He tapped his fingers against his half-empty glass, his eyes

scanning the room.

“So, you’re here visiting someone in jail?”
I lowered my eyes and sighed. Should have known it wouldn’t

stay  a  secret  for  long.  Three-quarters  of  the  people  who  stayed  at
the  motel  were  visitors.  It  would  have  come  out  eventually.  Sid
knew. What was the big deal, really? Better to get it out of the way
now.  Once  again,  it  made  no  sense  why  I  would  care  so  much
about Stuart’s opinion. But, for some reason, I did.

“Yup. I don’t know why I lied. Sorry.”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry. It’s none of my business.”
“It’s kind of embarrassing. Not something to shout from the

rooftops.”

“So, who is he? Family?”
This was the part that was going to hurt. The questions would

start and things would get weird. I hated this part.

“My boyfriend.”
“Oh.”
There it was. The same word everyone said when they heard I

had a boyfriend in jail.

“No one knows he’s my boyfriend, though. We tell everyone

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I’m his cousin. You know, for obvious reasons.”

“Makes sense to me.”
I smirked when he said that, the alcohol in my body making me

bolder than I should have been.

“It doesn’t even make sense to me, so there’s no way it can to

you.”

“I only meant I get why you wouldn’t advertise that the two of

you are gay.”

“It sucks having to keep it a secret, but no one can know. I

shouldn’t have even told you.”

“Then why did you?”
I stared at his blue eyes and felt a burn inside I knew shouldn’t

be there. “Because I had to tell someone. Keeping it inside with
Vanessa and everyone else is really hard. I figured it would be safe
to tell you. Since, you know, you’re not going to be around that
long.”

He chuckled before he drank, my heart sinking as I realized

what I’d said.

“Sorry, that’s not exactly what I meant.”
“Why do you keep saying you’re sorry?”
“Force of habit. When I visit Joel, I say it a lot.”
“Why?”
“I always seem to say the wrong thing. Or do the wrong thing. I

tried to touch him yesterday, and he freaked out. Not that I blame
him. When I complain, he reminds me he’s the one in jail. Stuff
like that.”

“God, I can’t imagine how tough that must be. How long is he

in for?”

“Seven years. But he didn’t do it. We’re hoping to get a new

hearing and get some new evidence in.”

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I could see Stuart’s face change, and I could tell what he was

thinking. And I told him so.

“I know you think I’m nuts. And maybe you’re right. Lord

knows, I feel that way enough.”

Stuart shook his head before he sipped his beer.
“I wasn’t thinking that. I was thinking that you look so sad.

Even when you talk about him getting out.”

“I do?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, honestly, things weren’t exactly peachy before he got

arrested. I was looking to end it when he got busted. I never told
him, though. I haven’t been in love with Joel in a while, but under
the circumstances…” I trailed off, keeping my eyes focused on the
table.

“I’m so sorry, Rory. That really sucks.”
I looked around and realized we were the last two in the bar.

The clock on the wall said it was after two in the morning, but I
didn’t feel tired.

“Damn, is it that late? Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you. I don’t

know why I’m telling you all this. You must think I’m nuts.”

“It’s no trouble. I’m happy to listen. That’s what we

bartenders/chefs/motel clerks are here for.”

His hand came to rest on mine for a moment, and my stomach

roiled at the feel of it. I pulled back quickly and dragged out my
wallet.

“What do I owe you for tonight?”
“I told you before, the tab’s taken care of.”
“I can’t let you do that, man.”
“It’s my pleasure, really. Just don’t go getting used to it.”
“Thanks.”

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CHAPTER 5

“You seem awfully cranky today, Rory. What’s eating you?”
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
I stared out the window with my arms folded over my chest,

keeping my distance from Joel. We’d been mostly quiet during the
visit so far, the time ticking away, but neither of us using it very
well.

“I don’t believe you, man. Spit it out.”
“I told you it’s nothing. I was up late. Had too much to drink at

the bar.”

“Really? That doesn’t sound like you. What brought that on?”
I glared at him, but quickly turned my attention back outside.

We never usually sat by the window, but it was one of the few
tables available by the time he got to the visitors’ room. The place

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was always fuller on Sundays. And, once again, he’d been delayed
in arriving. Ray was out quickly, so I couldn’t even talk to Vanessa
much while I waited. Joel had given me the same story he had on
Saturday about some guy trying to pick a fight. I wasn’t in the
mood to deal with it, so I didn’t.

“Nothing brought it on. I was talking to that woman I told you

about, Vanessa, and she invited me for a drink. Which turned into
a couple too many.”

“Okay. I’m not mad at you or anything Rory. I was just

asking.”

I looked at him again, saw the sad look on his face and softened

a bit.

“Sorry, man. I’m not trying to be a dick. Like I said, I’m tired.”
“If we’re not going to talk or anything, then why are you

here?”

I sighed and stood up, heading to the only place I could go in

the room—the vending machines. I was dropping coins into the
drink machine when Vanessa appeared at my side.

“Hey, Rory, how’re you?”
“Oh, I’m okay. A little tired. How are you feeling today,

Ness?”

“Like shit. I shouldn’t have had so many drinks so fast without

eating, you know.”

“I’ve been there.”
“Anyway, Ray’s in a mood, and my head is pounding. How’s

Joel today?”

“Okay. Same as yesterday.”
“Well, I should get back. But I wanted chocolate.”
“Joel’s a chip guy. I’m the chocolate fan.”
“Just like me.”

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She smiled at me before bending down to pick up her candy.
“Talk to you later, hon.”
I gave her a nod before she sauntered over to Ray, their

bickering  starting  before  she  even  sat  down.  I  got  our  food  and
headed  back  to  Joel,  who  was  sulking  when  I  returned.  For  some
reason, it pissed me off. I slid the chips and soda to him and felt a
bubble  of  rage  rising  to  the  surface.  I  smiled  through  it,  keeping
my cool to the outside world.

“Sorry, Joel. What did you want to talk about? It’s not like a lot

of stuff has happened since yesterday.”

“I’m not in the mood for this, Rory. Why don’t you just go?”
“You want me to go? I spent three-and-a-half hours driving

here yesterday, spent money to stay at a motel so I could see you
again today and now you want me to leave after an hour?”

“If you don’t want to be here, then yeah.”
I moved an inch closer and lowered my voice, trying to keep

my face from showing my anger. Cousins wouldn’t get into heated
arguments, after all.

“If I had to wait until I wanted to come here to visit, you’d

never see me again, Joel.”

“Is that a fact?”
“Yeah.”
I sat back and ripped open the candy bar I’d bought and ate in

silence. Joel picked up the chips, but didn’t open them. Instead, he
tossed them back and forth from hand to hand, until they hit the
floor. We both reached down to pick them up, but I stopped in time
so we wouldn’t actually touch. God forbid.

“I’m sorry, Rory. I really am. But you know you’re all I have. I

need you.”

There was the guilt. It was his only weapon, and he used it

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well.

“I know. Believe me, I know.”
“I don’t want you to go. I don’t care if we sit here and don’t say

another word.”

His eyes were on mine, and I tried to stay angry, but there

didn’t seem to be much point.

“I’m sorry, too. Next time, I’ll come prepared with more

conversation topics. If only something interesting had happened at
the bar last night.”

“So, nothing good happened?”
I thought of Stuart and for a moment was going to mention him

to Joel, but thought better of it.

“Just talking to Vanessa. Which was, you know, kind of

depressing.”

“I can imagine. I’ve met Ray.”
I wanted to touch him so bad, but there was no way. The bro

hug at the end of the visit would have to do.

“Anyway, I guess I’ll have to call the lawyer on Monday…see

where we stand.”

“Yeah, he told me he needs some of the paperwork you have.”
“Okay. I’ll take care of it.”
“I think we might actually have a shot here, Rory. If all goes

well, I could be out of here before the holidays.”

“Yeah.”
I looked across the room and caught Vanessa’s eye. She gave

me a quick wave before shoving a piece of candy in her mouth.

“Don’t sound so happy.”
He kicked my foot with his, stealing back my attention.
“I am happy, man. I just don’t want to get my hopes up. We’ve

been through this before.”

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“I know, but this time we have a real lawyer. Things will be

better, I swear.”

“Don’t get too excited. I couldn’t afford that good of a lawyer.”
“Very funny. You know what I mean. Things are looking up.

Stick with me, and I promise we’ll get through this.”

“I’m trying, Joel. I really am.”
“I know, and I love you for it.”
It was the first time in nearly a year that I’d heard the word

love come out of his mouth in reference to me. He looked around
and made sure no one else had heard.

“Watch what you say, man,” I said, with a smile. I’d meant it

as a joke, but he took me seriously.

“Sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
“Don’t be sorry.”
“I should know better. I need to be more careful. The walls

have ears, you know?”

It was hard to enjoy the moment when he looked so desperate

to disown it.

“Your secret is safe with me.”
“I know. It’s not you I’m worried about. You didn’t tell

Vanessa anything did you?”

I raised my eyebrows, trying to keep from snapping at him.

“No, of course not. You know I’d never do that.”

“So, you haven’t told anyone else about us?”
My mind once again jumped to Stuart, but I kept my mouth

shut.

“No. I’m not stupid, Joel. I do know what’s at stake here.”
“I didn’t say you were stupid. I was checking.”
“Just because you said something you wish you hadn’t doesn’t

mean anything bad is going to happen. We’re careful.”

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“If I’ve learned anything in here, it’s that there’s no such thing

as too careful.”

“I swear, everything’s cool. Now, calm down or people are

going to wonder what the fuck is going on.”

“Sorry, dude. This place has made me paranoid.”
He tore open the chips and started stuffing his face. I crossed

my arms again and looked out the window. I was only stuck in jail
for a few hours and all I could think about was getting out.

* * *

Dreading the long drive home, I took my time getting my stuff

together at the motel. When I got to the front desk, Stuart was
standing there, staring at the computer screen. When he saw me, he
smiled.

“Hey, Rory, checking out?”
“Yeah. I know it’s after eleven, but visitation runs until noon

and I forgot to ask for late check-out. I can pay you for another
night if you want.”

He laughed as he typed, his fingers flying without a glance.
“Don’t be silly. Besides, my dad has a late check-out memo

under your name in the computer.”

“Oh, great.”
He walked to the printer, grabbed the paper and slid it across

the counter to me.

“Here you go man, I’ll need your card to complete the

charge.” 

“Sure.”
I fished my wallet out of my pocket and fumbled getting the

card out. Our fingers brushed when I handed it over, which nearly

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made me drop everything else onto the floor.

“So, when will you be with us again, Rory?”
“Uh, next week. I try and visit as much as they’ll let me, and

since I can’t get here during the week, weekends are all I can do.
Last month I was only here twice because I didn’t have the cash.
Between paying for the lawyer and everything, money gets a little
tight. I have a decent enough job, but it doesn’t always cover
everything. I’m thinking of getting a second job, but finding
something that works with my schedule is tough.”

He stared at me as I spoke, and I quickly regretted everything

I’d unloaded on him.

“Oh, God. Sorry. Forget I said any of that. At least last night I

had the excuse of being drunk.”

“Don’t worry about it, man. That sounds rough.”
“It’s not so bad.”
Stuart handed me back my credit card and looked at the clock.
“Hey, I was about to go on break. When my part timer gets

here, you want to have some lunch before you head home?”

I adjusted my backpack and tried to think of a reason to refuse.
“Uh, well, I should be getting back.”
“It won’t take long. I have some more recipes I’m trying out.

And, I made way too much. Help me out?”

His smile cut through my heart like a knife, and I couldn’t say

no.

“Okay. Sounds good.”
The door pushed open, and a smiling teenaged girl walked in.

Stuart walked around the counter and put a hand on my shoulder.

“Perfect timing. Let’s eat.

* * *

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“God, Stuart, this is amazing. How did you manage to make a

simple BLT so damn good?”

He smiled as he wiped his mouth with his napkin, the little

table between us filled with empty plates.

“You want to know my secrets, eh?”
“I promise I won’t tell anyone your secrets if you promise to

keep mine.”

His eyes flashed, and I felt it all through my body.
“Deal. My secret is that I candy the bacon with brown sugar

and then I broil it. Oh, and I always use homemade bread.”

“Candied bacon? Jesus, that’s genius.”
“Thanks. I try.”
I finished the last bite of my sandwich and felt like I might

burst. I wasn’t used to eating so well.

“It’s going to be tough to go home to a steady diet of ramen

noodles and mac and cheese.”

“Ugh, is that what you eat? That’s terrible.”
“Can’t exactly afford the good stuff right now. Not that I really

could before.”

“Right.”
Stuart stood and started to pick up the plates, and I got up to

join him.

“Here, let me help.”
“You don’t have to do that, Rory.”
“Please…it’s the least I can do. You did all the cooking.”
“I would have done that anyway.”
I didn’t listen to him and loaded my hands. Following him to

the kitchen, I set everything into a nearly full bin.

“Well, I hate to eat and run, but I should probably get on the

road. I have to be at work early in the morning. Plus I have to call

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Joel’s lawyer first thing tomorrow. It’s the only time I can reach
him. Every call costs me about fifty bucks, if you can believe that.
A quarter hour, no matter how quick the call. On top of the retainer
I had to put down.”

I looked at Stuart, realizing too late I’d done it again. Over-

sharing was starting to be a problem.

“God, I’m sorry. You didn’t need to know any of that.”
“It’s okay, man. Really. Sounds like you have a lot going on.”
“Yeah. You could say that.”
We walked back out to the bar, and I picked up my bag. I

grabbed the last French fry off the plate and savored it. Stuart
picked up the rest of the dishes, but didn’t walk away.

“Hey, you want some food to take home?”
“That’s okay. I mean, you don’t have to go to any trouble for

me.”

“It’s not a problem. You can even borrow my cooler. Bring it

back next time you’re in town.”

He looked at me expectantly, and I shrugged, with a smile.
“Sure. How can I turn down your food?”
“Awesome. I’ll pack up a few things and be right back.”
He returned in a few minutes with a small blue cooler in his

hand. I reached out for it, but he didn’t let go.

“I’ll walk with you to your car. Get a little fresh air before I’m

stuck inside on another beautiful day.”

We walked slowly to my junk heap of a car and I popped the

trunk so he could put the cooler in.

“Not a lot of room back here, man.”
I surveyed the damage the guard at the jail had done and started

shifting things around.

“I really need to clean this up. So next time they have to search

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my car at the jail, it’s less work for them.”

Stuart set the cooler in the space I made, and I slammed the lid

shut. We stood, looking at each other for a minute, before he stuck
out his hand. His eyes were squinted in the sun, which was a
shame. I wanted to look at them one last time before I left.

“Well, it was nice to meet you, Rory.”
“You too. Thanks for everything. Are you sure you don’t want

any money for all that food? Or the drinks?”

“I already told you no. But thanks for the offer.”
I took his hand and shook it. After a few seconds, I knew I

should let him go, but I didn’t want to. Maybe it was as simple as
my need for the human contact or the feel of his skin on mine, but
something  inside  me  broke.  Before  I  could  stop  myself,  I  pulled
him closer and gave  him a  kiss. His lips  were stiff  for a  moment,
but  then  he  responded,  his  hand  latching  onto  my  shoulder  as  his
tongue  slid  into  my  mouth.  I  pushed  him  away  after  a  minute,
sense returning far too late. I stumbled back a step, my eyes on the
ground.

“I’m sorry, Stuart. Jesus, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Really.”
I lunged for the car door and pulled it open. “Sorry.”
Before I could close the door, I heard him.
“Wait…”
I jammed the key in the ignition and threw the car into gear

hard enough to make a horrible grinding noise. Peeling out of the
parking lot, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw him still
standing there, watching me drive away.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. What had I done?

* * *

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I threw the door to my apartment open, the memory of what I’d

done back at the motel still plaguing my mind. Monroe looked up
from the couch, a video game controller in his hand.

“Dude, what’s up? How was the trip?”
I went right to the fridge and yanked it open, throwing the food

from the cooler inside before grabbing one of Monroe’s horrible
beers and popping the top. After I’d chugged the whole thing, I
finally felt ready to talk.

“It’s was shitty. And kind of awesome.”
I sat down next to Monroe, his fingers and thumbs clicking

against the plastic, the screen alive with gunshots and screams.

“That doesn’t make sense. What the fuck are you talking about,

Rory?”

“Well, let’s see. Visiting with Joel was the usual nightmare.

We  argued.  He  showed  up  late  both  days  because  some  asshole
inmate tried to pick a fight with him. I met Sid’s son, Stuart, who
is  super  hot  and  an  amazing  cook.  I  finally  talked  to  that  blonde
woman  I  keep  seeing.  Her  name  is  Vanessa.  Oh,  and  I  kissed
Stuart before I left.”

Monroe’s game was paused and his mouth was open. He stared

at me for a minute until I snapped my fingers in front of his face to
bring him back to reality.

“Holy shit, dude. Sounds like a busy trip.”
“Yeah.”
“What do you mean, you kissed this Stuart guy? How the hell

did that happen?”

“I’m not sure. I’m blaming temporary insanity.”
“Did he say anything after you kissed him?”
“I took off before he had the chance to say much.”
“Was it a good kiss?” He smirked at me and nudged me with

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his elbow.

I sighed, thinking about the way it felt.
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to tell Joel?”
I looked at him like he had three heads and put my feet up on

what passed for our coffee table.

“Hell, no.”
“Why not? I thought he gave you the green light for hooking up

with other guys.”

“That’s not exactly what he said, Monroe.”
“Did he or did he not say he’d understand if you needed to fuck

someone else while he was gone?”

“He did, but I know he doesn’t mean that. He was trying to be

noble.”

“Yeah, right. I don’t think Joel is in any position to be mad at

you for kissing someone. He’s in jail because he’s a drug dealer.”

“He’s not a drug dealer.”
“Whatever. Is he really in a position to be high and mighty,

especially after he told you it was okay?”

“I’m still not going to tell him because there’s nothing to tell. It

was a one-time thing. A momentary lapse. Never to be repeated.
Besides, Joel is so focused on getting this hearing, there’s no point
in me bothering him with something so stupid.”

“If you say so.”
Monroe went back to his game, and I went to my room and

collapsed. It was only a few hours before I usually went to bed, but
all I could think about was a nap. When I closed my eyes, though, I
saw Stuart. I could still smell him on my skin and my shirt, his
cologne clinging to me. There was a rap on the door, and I looked
up and saw Monroe.

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“Hey, dude, I’m going to order something for dinner. You in?”
“I have stuff for dinner.”
“What, did you stop on the way home?”
“Nah, Stuart gave me some food to take home. Like I said

before, he’s a great cook.”

His chuckle was stifled by the back of his hand.
“Oh, is he now?”
“What the fuck does that mean, Monroe?”
“It means there was more than a kiss with this guy.”
“No, there wasn’t.”
“I don’t mean physically. I mean you like this guy.”
I rolled toward the wall and tried to end the conversation.
“Please, I barely know him. He asked me to try some of his

recipes and we talked a bit. That’s all.”

I felt something hit me in the back, and I sat up.
“I know you, Rory. You can’t lie to me like you can to Joel.”
“I don’t lie to Joel. I just don’t tell him things.”
“What’s the difference?”
I stood up and tried to leave the room, but Monroe blocked the

door.

“I’m not lying. He’s a nice guy who was easy to talk to. That’s

all.”

“Tell me something. If Joel wasn’t in the picture, would you go

after this guy?”

I hesitated, not knowing how to answer the question. Either

way I answered, it would only give him more ammunition.

“There’s no going after him. Even if I wanted to. Which I’m

not saying I do. He’s going back to San Francisco as soon as Sid
recovers from his surgery. And I have a boyfriend. Not one you
like…hell, not one I like half the time, but he’s in my life

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nonetheless. I don’t know what you want me to say, man.”

“I want you to be honest with me. It’s just you and me here. No

judgments. You don’t have to sugarcoat shit for me. Now tell me
the truth.”

I slumped against my wall and sighed. “Fine. Stuart’s hot, he’s

smart, he’s funny and he candies bacon. I’d date him in a minute.
Happy now, Monroe?”

“Happier than you. I’m going to pick up the pizza. I’ll be

back.”

I dropped onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. My phone

started to ring, and I reached into my pocket and saw that it was
Joel. Right on time.

“Hey, Joel, how are you?”
“I’m good. How was your trip home?”

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CHAPTER 6

I pulled into the parking lot of the Broken Feather and turned

off  my  car.  My  Saturday  visit  with  Joel  had  been  uneventful.  I
thought  of  telling  him  about  kissing  Stuart,  but  he  was  too  busy
filling  me  in  on  the  conversation  he’d  had  with  the  lawyer.  All  I
could  think  about  when  he  was  giving  me  the  details  was  the
money  their  two-hour  long  phone  call  was  costing  me.  I  felt
terrible,  but  I  couldn’t  help  it.  I  was  hoping  the  hearing  would
happen,  if  for  no  other  reason  than  to  save  what  was  left  of  my
bank account.

I thought of waiting to check in, trying to catch Stuart away

from his post, but it was too warm to sit in the car and there was
nowhere worthwhile to drive to. It only would have been a waste
of gas. So, I grabbed my bag and trudged inside, pushing open the

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door with trepidation. When he looked up and saw me, I could see
a flash of panic go across his face. It was the last thing I wanted to
see.

“Hey, Rory, how are you?”
His voice sounded stiff, and it only made my stomach tighten

up more.

“Not bad. How about you?”
“Can’t complain. How was your visit today?”
“Fine.”
He typed with purpose, and I tried to avoid eye contact. It was

horrible, but exactly what I’d expected to happen.

“Well, you’re all set for your usual room. Good old number

thirty-one. We’ll have to put a plaque with your name on it. Keep
it reserved.”

“Right.”
He slid the key card across the counter, and I smiled before I

turned to walk out. It was then I remembered I had something that
belonged to him.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s your cooler. Thanks again for the

food. My roommate thanks you, too. I had to fight him for the last
of the pasta thing you made.”

“Glad you liked it.”
We stared at each other for a moment, then I broke down and

said what I was thinking.

“I’m sorry about last Sunday, Stuart.”
He shook his head and leaned his elbows on the counter. “I

tried to tell you then, it’s fine. No need to apologize.”

“Yes, there is. And it won’t happen again.”
I put my hand on the door and pushed, but what he said made

me stop dead in my tracks.

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“I think we both want it to happen again.”
My face went hot, but I tried to ignore it.
“Be that as it may, it can’t. Okay?”
I hurried to my room, my hands shaking so much I fumbled my

room key card to the ground twice. Once I got myself together, I
pushed inside, letting the door slam behind me. I fell face first onto
the bed and closed my eyes. As much as my mind swirled, I was
drowsy in no time; sleep was a welcome reprieve from reality.

I woke up to a knock at the door. The red numbers on the clock

by the bed said it was six-thirty. Stumbling across the room, I
peeped out and saw Stuart standing there. I thought of not
answering but then I heard his voice.

“I know you’re in there, Rory. Please open the door.”
I leaned my forehead against the cool metal and undid the lock.

I squinted at the light as I pulled the door open. Stuart was smiling
and holding a bag.

“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
He walked past me and set his bag down on the tiny table in the

corner. When he turned around, he looked tense, his hands slipping
into his pockets.

“I thought you might be hungry. I brought some dinner.”
I hadn’t felt hungry, but the instant he mentioned food, my

stomach started to churn.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know. I wanted to. I thought we could clear the air. Talk

about what I said earlier.”

“We don’t have to do that. It’s cool.” I shook my head and

retreated another step farther away from him.

“I think we do.”

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He closed the distance between us, and I was out of room to

move. My back was against the door, and I was practically panting
when I looked into his eyes.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable before, Rory.”
“I know.”
“And I know you’re sorry you kissed me. But I’m not. It was

nice.”

I closed my eyes for a long moment, trying to kick the image of

the kiss out of my head.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m with Joel.”
“I know. But, seriously, when was the last time you had a

proper kiss? I mean, before last Sunday.”

I thought back to the day they took Joel to jail. We’d had a few

minutes in a little room at the courthouse before they’d hauled him
away. We’d kissed, knowing it would be the last time for a long
while. There was no joy in it. It was a moment filled with pain and
even remembering it made the hurt come back again.

“Too long. But that’s no excuse for what I did.”
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting some affection. You

don’t have to beat yourself up. It’s not the end of the world. I’m
sure Joel would understand, considering the circumstances.”

I moved away from him, trying to get a little distance between

us again.

“I know he would. He told me that he’d understand if I needed

to…if I ended up having…uh, being with someone else. But that’s
not the point.”

“The point is you’re human. Nothing wrong with that.”
I looked at him and out of nowhere I felt angry.
“You don’t get it. As much as things suck, this is my life. I

chose it, and I have to live with the consequences. Now, take your

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food and go.”

“You don’t want me to go.”
This time I got into his space and before I could stop myself, I

was yelling.

“Stop telling me what I want. You don’t know me.”
“Rory…”
I reached out to shove him, but instead I found myself in his

arms, his embrace smothering my desire to lash out. I let him
embrace me and held my breath to keep the tears from flowing. I
tried to pull away, but he held me tighter, his hand running up and
down my back.

“It’s okay, Rory. You can let it out if you want to.”
I struggled for another moment, but in the end, I didn’t have the

strength to fight him. His words made me break, and I started to
cry, sobs wracking through my body. I hadn’t cried at all since Joel
first got arrested. I’d spent so much time pretending to be okay, I’d
managed to convince myself that I actually was fine. All through
the hearings, the motions, the time he spent in jail before his family
posted bail, the trial and the sentencing, I held it together. For over
two years, I stayed strong, never letting anyone know the hell I was
going through inside, too worried about how Joel was feeling. But
in that room with Stuart, everything started to unravel. For the first
time, I let it all fall apart.

I’m not sure how long we stood there, but when I finally

calmed  down,  I  felt  his  grip  on  me  ease  and  I  stepped  back,
blinking  to  clear  my  blurry  eyes.  I  felt  vulnerable,  which  I  hated,
but  it  was  too  late  to  take  it  all  back.  I  went  to  the  bathroom
without a word and splashed water on my face, trying to get myself
together.  When  I  came  out,  Stuart  had  spread  the  food  out on  the
table  and  switched  on  a  few  lights.  We  sat  down,  and  when  I

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looked into his eyes, my reflex took over.

“I’m sorry about that, man. I shouldn’t have—”
“Dear God, please stop apologizing all the time, Rory.”
His tone shocked me, and I didn’t know how to respond.
“I, uh, I only meant…”
“I know what you meant. But you don’t have to be sorry for

anything. Not with me.”

I took a few bites of the food he’d dished up and forgot for a

moment how embarrassed I was.

“This is so good, Stuart.”
“Thanks. This is one of my favorite recipes. It was my mom’s.”
I knew from talking to Sid that his wife died a few years ago.

Stuart gave me a weak smile and shoved another forkful of food
into his mouth.

“I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Thanks. I wasn’t here when she died, so I didn’t get to say

goodbye. I still regret that.”

His honesty made my heart turn over, and I reached across the

table and put my hand on his. I thought he was going to move
away, but instead he gave my hand a squeeze.

“You don’t mind me doing this, do you?” I asked.
“Not at all.”
He smiled and ran his thumb over mine. It was such a minor

thing, but it made my heart race.

“You know it’s little things like this I miss the most.”
“What? Holding hands?”
“Yup. It’s the simple things I used to take for granted I find

myself craving more than anything else. Just being able to touch
Joel in a casual way, to let him know I care. That’s really hard.”

“Really?”

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“Yeah. Does that sound corny?”
“No. At least, not to me.”
“I thought sex would be the most difficult to go without. And,

don’t get me wrong, it’s tough, too. Strangely, it’s being deprived
of everything else that really gets to me. It’s why I kissed you.”

“I get it. Believe me. Before you surprised the hell out of me

last weekend, I hadn’t kissed anyone in months.”

“Glad I could help.” I smiled and felt a flush rise to my cheeks.
“I’m only saying, I know what it feels like to be lonely. And I

definitely miss touching someone else. I’ve been in something of a
dry spell lately.”

“I don’t believe you. You could have anyone you want.”
“My problem is I don’t want just anyone. I’m looking for

something more than a good time. In the long term, anyway.”

“I get that.”
He took another bite of food before he responded, “You know

what I miss?”

“What?”
“Cuddling. It’s sounds so stupid, but I love curling up with

someone and lying together. It’s been ages since I’ve done that.”

“Me, too.”
He looked right into my eyes, and I felt a tug at my heart. I

dismissed it, turned my focus to my empty plate and tried to
lighten the mood.

“Don’t suppose you brought dessert?”
He smiled, reached into the bag on the floor and pulled out two

containers.

“As a matter of fact, I did. How do you feel about chocolate

cake?”

“You’re joking, right? It’s one of my favorites.”

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“Nope. Made it myself. First attempt at baking, so no promises.

It might suck.”

“Well, if you need me to try it and let you know how it is, I’m

willing to be a guinea pig.”

“I was hoping you’d say that.”

* * *

“God, if we keep spending time together, I’m going to weight

three hundred pounds.”

“You offered to taste test the cake. No one told you to eat three

pieces.”

“Very true, but it was so damn good. How could I resist?”
I lay on my bed, my stomach full. I wanted to unbutton my

jeans, but I thought better of it. Stuart lay on the other bed I never
used and kicked his shoes off onto the floor. I looked over at him,
taking him in while he was distracted by something on the ceiling.
When he turned his head, I didn’t look away fast enough, and he
caught me.

“This was fun, Rory.”
“Yeah. I’m not keeping you from anything, am I? Don’t you

have to work?”

“Nope. Night off tonight, so I’ve got nowhere to be. Besides,

I’m happy right where I am.”

We stared at each other for a minute, but something made me

look away. I stood up, grabbing the TV remote and turned it on,
breaking the silence. I scrolled quickly through the channels until I
came upon a movie I hadn’t seen in ages. I heard Stuart get off the
bed and then I felt him, his chest coming to rest against my back.
His arms wrapped around my waist, and without thinking, I let

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myself lean into him. His mouth was right by my ear, and I closed
my eyes when he spoke.

“I love this movie. We should watch it.”
When his lips grazed against my neck, I thought I might jump

out of my skin. I wanted to stop him, but it felt too good. I turned
around, not breaking contact with him, and looked into his eyes.
His thumb ran along my jaw, and he planted a kiss on my
forehead.

“You’re trembling, Rory.”
He was right. My body shuddered being so close to him. I

couldn’t bring myself to move away, but there was something I
had to know.

“What are we doing, Stuart?”
He smiled, running his hand up the back of my neck. “Filling a

void. Nothing more.”

I was desperate to feel his lips again, so I kissed him, trying not

to think about what it might mean. He was right. We both needed
each other. It didn’t have to be anything more than that. He eased
me back onto the bed, and I snuggled into his arms. I picked up the
remote and turned the volume up on the TV.

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CHAPTER 7

I woke up with a start, my eyes barely open when I realized

something  was  different.  Stuart  was  behind  me,  his  arms  still
around me, the sound of his slow breathing in my ear. I looked at
the  clock  without  moving  and  saw  it  was  seven  in  the  morning.  I
stayed stock still, not wanting to disturb him or the moment. It had
been so long since I’d woken up with someone. Even if it wasn’t
the  right  someone.  I  took  in  the  length  of  his  body  against  mine,
the press of his hard cock against my ass. My own cock was stiff,
the same as it was every morning. I pressed back into him as gently
as I could, trying not to rouse him, but I didn’t succeed. His arms
shifted, pulling me tighter to him, and his hips ground against me.

“Good morning.”
I didn’t get a word out before he turned me to him, kissing me

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hard.  He  pressed  me  against  the  mattress,  his  hand  stealing  under
my shirt and stroking my chest. My mind reeled as we pushed the
blankets aside and he moved next to me. Looking up into his blue
eyes,  I  was  paralyzed.  His  hand  reached  into  my  boxers  and
wrapped around my dick, stroking me slowly. I knew I should stop
him, but I didn’t. I just gave myself over to the feeling. He nuzzled
against  my  neck,  groaning  against  my  skin  as  he  sped  up  his
rhythm. I pulled his mouth to mine and kissed him, until I couldn’t
breathe.

“Oh, fuck.”
I reached down and grabbed his cock, through his boxers at

first, but I was soon overwhelmed with an urge to touch him, the
heat of his flesh unbelievable. I started jerking him off, trying to
match my pace with his. We kissed through our moans and groans,
the bed creaking softly as we moved.

It should have felt wrong, but nothing was getting through but

the  approach of my orgasm. I  was on a  hair trigger, and it didn’t
take  much  to  get  me  excited.  Stuart  had  started  the  fire  the  night
before  and  I  was  ready  for  it  to  be put  out.  His  lips  moved  lower
and wrapped around my nipple, giving it a teasing suck. When his
tongue  flicked  over  my  sensitive  flesh,  my  hips  bucked  and  my
back arched. I moaned louder than I wanted to, but I couldn’t seem
to help it.

“God, Stuart, I’m gonna come.”
The tension in my body started to release, my cock spurting

right there in his hand, and I cried out. The feel of another person
touching  me  made  everything  more  intense  than  anything  I  could
do with my own hand. Stuart  growled, and I knew he was close. I
ran  my  tongue  from  his  collarbone  to  his  ear  and  gave  the  lobe  a
nip.  He  started  to  shudder  and  then  he  was  coming,  his  cock

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pulsing  in  my  hand,  his  spunk  coating  my  fingers.  After  a  few
more  stuttering  rolls  of  his  hips,  he  stopped  moving,  his  whole
body limp. He rolled away after a moment, his breathing loud and
labored.  I  moved  to  get  up,  but  he  yanked  me  back  into  bed  and
kissed me.

“Wow, that was unexpected. What a nice way to wake up.”
I smiled at him, but inside the guilt was starting to surface. He

looked at me and frowned.

“Hey, you okay, Rory?”
I shook my head, trying to keep myself from getting too

worked up.

“We shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why not? Didn’t it feel good?”
“Yeah, but…”
“In my experience, coming with someone else is always more

fun than coming alone.”

“Stuart, it’s not that—”
He cut me off with a kiss, and I was rendered temporarily

dumb.

“Were you going to say simple?”
“Yeah.”
“It is that simple, if you let it be. I like you Rory, and I think

you like me, too. We enjoy spending time together. Right now,
your boyfriend is unavailable, and I’m only here for a little while.
It’s the perfect situation for both of us.”

“What is?”
“To have a little fun with each other. Help each other through a

hard time. We both get what we want and what we need. No
strings. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Or weird. As long as
we’re both okay with it, what’s the harm?”

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I opened my mouth to respond, but he’d made me speechless.

He  had  a  point.  Joel  had  given  me  his  blessing,  in  his  way.  And
Stuart  made  it  easy  to  be  with  him.  He  made  me  feel
good…something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Maybe it was selfish,
but  if  anyone  deserved  a  little  distraction,  it  was  me.  I  still  felt
guilty, but I shoved it aside for the moment.

“You know what? You’re right.”
He pulled back a fraction and raised his eyebrows.
“I thought I’d have to do a lot more to convince you, man.”
Stuart held me tight and I let myself snuggle against his chest.

Once again, he made me feel like I could tell him anything.

“I’ve put up with a lot the last two years. My whole life has

become  about  Joel.  I  quit  school  and  got  a  full  time  job  I  hate  to
help pay for a lawyer once his trial with the public defender went
south. It’s been all about him for so long, I can’t even remember
what it was like before all this happened. Maybe it’s time  I think
about  me  for  a  change.  Besides,  I’m  tired  of  feeling  bad  all  the
time.”

“Look, Rory, I promise nothing will happen between us that

you don’t want to happen. I’m fine just being with you. Like last
night.”

“Okay.”
“So, then you’re sure you’re okay with this?”
I hesitated, but still came up with the same answer. “Yeah. I

am.”

He pressed his forehead to mine before giving me a peck on the

lips.

“Great. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. Where

did we leave the rest of that cake?”

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* * *

“Okay, what’s with the goofy grin?”
I turned my attention from the window back to Joel.
“What are you talking about?”
“You have this weird smile on your face. And you seem a lot

mellower today than yesterday. What gives? You get lucky or
something?”

He started to laugh, and I did, too, but I joined him a moment

too late. His face went white and his arms folded over his chest,
like they always did when he got pissed. He took a deep breath,
and I could tell he wanted to lash out, but knew he couldn’t.

“Joel, it’s not what you think.”
He shook his head and tapped his feet a few times. “No. It’s

fine. I already told you that.”

I leaned in a little closer and lowered my voice. “We didn’t

fuck or anything. It’s just a little—”

He put his hand up to cut me off. “Shut up. I told you before, I

don’t want the details.”

“I know, but…”
“I also told you before, I’m okay with it. I know you have

needs. Hell, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long. I’d have caved
after a few weeks.”

He laughed, but it came out fake and forced. It was times like

this that I wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure him
everything was okay. Somehow, I couldn’t.

“Look, if this bothers you, Joel, nothing else has to happen. I

mean, nothing’s really happened, but—”

“Dude, seriously, I’m fine with it. All of it. Do what you need

to do.”

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“You don’t seem fine.”
“Well, I am. Now, can we talk about something else, please?”
“Okay.”
We sat in silence, and I saw Vanessa across the room. She

smiled at me before turning her attention back to Ray. Things got
heated quickly as they spoke. It was easy to tell, even from across
the room, that they were arguing. I looked at Joel, but I could tell
by the look in his eye he was a million miles away. Not that
blamed him.

“God, I feel bad for Vanessa. It seems like all they do is argue,”

I said.

“That Ray is a real piece of shit.”
“Really? Doesn’t surprise me, from what she’s told me.”
“Is that what the two of you do now? Talk shit about us.”
“I told you before, I don’t say a word about you.”
“Come on. I don’t buy that.”
“I can’t talk shit about you. We’re cousins, remember? Nothing

more. Wouldn’t look right if you upset me as much as Ray upsets
her.”

I stared into his eyes and tried to let him know how I was

feeling. He looked away and scratched his arm.

“I get the point, Rory. Yet another thing I have to make up to

you when I get outta here. Although, you seem to have found a
way to help you cope.”

I shook my head and fought the urge to yell. The whole thing

was making me exhausted.

“I’m not in the mood to fight, Joel.”
“Of course not. Wouldn’t want to do anything to spoil the high

you’re clearly on.” He leaned in and whispered his next sentence.
“He must have a big dick, huh?”

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He sat back with a satisfied smirk, and I smiled through my

anger.

“Jesus Christ, man, isn’t everything bad enough already? Why

do you have to make it worse?”

He bit his lip and both his hands squeezed into fists so tight his

knuckles turned white.

“Forgive me if I can’t think about how difficult this is for you.

I’m the one dealing with this day in and day out. It’s no picnic for
me either.”

There was the guilt, but today I couldn’t keep my words from

coming. “Whose fault is that?”

I knew I’d messed up as soon as the words were out of my

mouth. Joel looked like he was going to explode, but all he could
do was sigh.

“I screwed up. I know that, but I’m trying to make it right. You

believe that, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”
“Way to sound convincing, Rory.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing. You know I’m starting to think maybe you don’t

want me to get out. It would sure as hell make it easier to walk
away, wouldn’t it?”

“Where the hell is this coming from, Joel?”
“Call it a gut feeling.”
“I haven’t done anything but support you this whole time.”
He smirked, tapping his feet in an erratic rhythm. “Is that what

you were doing last night? Supporting me?”

“I thought you didn’t have a problem with me getting what I

need.”

“I don’t have a problem with it, but you don’t have to sit there

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with that stupid smile and rub it in my face.”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“Aren’t you? Why did you even tell me? To punish me for

being in here?”

“No. I’m not trying to hurt you, Joel. I thought you wanted me

to be honest with you. I figured that was better than the alternative.
We agreed when you went in that we’d be honest. About
everything.”

“You picked a hell of time to start telling me everything.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I think you know.”
Visiting hours were almost up, and I didn’t want to leave things

like this for another week. I said the only thing I could, which was
the same thing I always said.

“I’m sorry, Joel.”
The guards gave the signal, and Joel stood up first, ready to

walk back to his block. I rose slowly and waited for our
perfunctory hug, but he slapped me on the shoulder and smiled a
tight smile.

“Yeah, so you keep saying.”

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CHAPTER 8

When the prison was out of view, I let out a scream. I pounded

the  steering  wheel  until  my  palm  couldn’t  take  any  more  pain.  I
pulled  into  the  motel  and  stumbled  into  my  room.  I  wasn’t  there
long  before  there  was  a  knock  on  the  door.  I  knew  it  was  Stuart
and before I could think better of it, I opened the door. He took one
look at me and his smile disappeared.

“Whoa. Are you okay?”
“Great. Never better.”
I sat on the edge of the bed and fell back, my arms above my

head. I felt the bed dip next to me, then Stuart’s hand on my chest.

“I take it your visit didn’t go well.”
“I should’ve known Joel would react the way he did.”
“You told him the truth?”

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“Yeah, and he swore up and down he didn’t care. Right before

he accused me of rubbing it in his face and wanting him to stay in
jail because it would be better for me.”

“Jesus.”
“So, if you don’t mind, I think I’d rather be alone right now.”
His hand moved up until his thumb ran over my collarbone, my

breath catching in my throat.

“You sure about that, Rory?”
I let out a sigh, attempting to let the visit fade from my

memory. “I don’t know.”

He tried to ease his touch away, but I put my hand on top of his

and looked into his blue eyes.

“If you want me to go, I will.”
I shook my head, but my brain was still swirling.
“Maybe he’s right. Maybe I was throwing it in his face to

punish him.”

“If that’s true, why would you have waited until now to do it?”
As his words sank in, I let go of his hand. “Don’t know.

Because I hadn’t met you yet.”

“I’m fine if you want to blame me.”
“No. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not yours either, you know.”
I toed off my shoes and pulled my wallet and keys out of my

pocket, letting them drop to the floor.

“I don’t know what to think or do anymore.”
“So don’t think. Just relax.”
I’d let my eyes fall closed when the phone in my room rang.

Rolling over, I picked up the receiver, expecting to hear Joel’s
voice. Instead, it was Vanessa.

“Hey, Rory, you coming to the bar?”

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I glanced over at Stuart. As much as I wanted to stay put, the

only thing that could wash away my guilt was some alcohol.

“Uh, yeah. You know what, that sounds good.”
“Great. See you in a few minutes. I have some big news.”
I hung up and rolled off the bed, gathering my stuff from where

I’d dropped it.

“Who was that?” Stuart asked.
“Vanessa. She needs to tell me something. Wants me to meet

her at the bar. You don’t mind, do you?”

He shrugged and stood, straightening his shirt as he said, “No.

It’s cool. I should check on the kitchen anyway.”

I walked up to him and hugged him close.
“Hey, will I see you later?”
He smiled and kissed me on the cheek. “Absolutely.”

* * *

“What did you say, Vanessa?”
“I said this will be the last time you’ll see me. I’m done with

Ray and all his crap.”

My eyes went wide, but I chose my words carefully. “Wow.

How did he take it?”

“Not great. I don’t know if you saw us today, but I’m amazed

he didn’t flip out and get thrown out of the visitors’ room.”

I tried to read her face, but she was too busy chugging another

beer.

“So, I guess I should say congratulations?”
She slammed her glass down on the table and smiled at me.
“Yup. You should. If you were smart, you’d do the same thing

as me and cut your losses.”

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I shot back the whiskey she’d ordered me and thought back to

my morning from hell with Joel. I knew I couldn’t say anything
about it, though.

“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on. You’re not fooling anyone, honey. I know

you’re not really cousins.”

“Of course we are.” I tried to laugh, but inside, my heart was

threatening to beat out of my chest.

She gave me a smirk, and my foot started tapping under the

table, my nerves threatening to get the better of me.

“Sweetie, I saw you in that room today. There’s way too much

passion there for you two not be a couple.”

I started to panic and tried to do damage control. “Vanessa,” I

said, “I don’t know what you think you saw, but Joel and I aren’t
together.”

“It’s okay. Your secret is safe with me. And Ray’s too blind to

anyone but himself to notice the two of you.”

I wanted to bang my head against the table. Vanessa put a hand

to my arm and gave it a squeeze.

“Honey, trust me. I’m not going to tell anyone. And, for the

record, I think you could do better.”

She looked over my shoulder, and I turned and followed her

gaze to Stuart behind the bar. He looked up and smiled.

“Something going on there, Rory?”
I snapped my head around and saw her grinning.
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“You know, you’re kind of a lousy liar. Not like Ray, who’s a

freaking expert.”

I stared her in the eyes and tried again. “There’s nothing going

on.”

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“Oh, come on. Give me something. I’m never going to see you

again. I thought we were friends.”

I gave a quick glance back to Stuart and decided against my

better judgment. “Okay, it’s something, but it’s not what you
think.”

“Wait, what? So you aren’t doing it?”
“No.”
“Why not? I mean, any fool can see there’s something there.

I’ve caught you two looking at each other.”

“We’ve fooled around a little. No strings, just for fun.”
She laughed as she motioned to the waitress.
“Honey, there’s no such thing as no strings. Trust me. Besides,

from the look on your face when you talk about him, I’d say you’re
already feeling something for Stuart. Not that I blame you. He’s
such a good guy.”

I opened my mouth to offer my rebuttal, but she was already

ordering more to drink. I gulped my cheap beer and refused
Vanessa’s offer of more. After the waitress was gone, Vanessa
pointed at me.

“Listen to me, honey. Life’s too short to be miserable. I’ve seen

you and Joel in that visitor’s room for a while now. You look like
you’re being skinned alive. Right now, you look happy.”

“You don’t know me that well, Ness.”
“True enough, but I know someone smitten when I see him.”
She stared at me until I smiled, unable to keep my feelings in

any longer.

“Okay, fine. You win. I really like the guy, but we barely know

each other. It’s way too soon to be feeling this way.”

I looked over my shoulder at him again, ignoring the small

pang of guilt that accompanied the realization I’d let Stuart in so

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quickly. So much for simple.

“Honey, sometimes it hits you right away. Don’t analyze it. Go

with it.”

“I already told you, it’s a casual thing.”
“Not to you, from the sound of it. If you like him, let him

know. Aren’t you tired of pretending all the time about
everything?”

“Thanks for the advice, Ness, but I know what I’m doing. I’ll

think about what you said, though.”

She giggled before she did another shot.
“Are you going to spend all night thinking or are you going to

walk over there and invite that stud back to your room?”

I smiled before draining the last of my beer and saying, “I

already had him in my room when you called and interrupted.”

She cracked up as the waitress brought her new drinks.
“Sorry about that, hon. If I’d known, I’d have left the two of

you alone.”

I watched as she gulped her whiskey and swigged her beer.
“You sure you’re going to be okay, Vanessa?”
She looked at me and wiped her mouth.
“I’ll be fine. I think you will be, too. Now, go.”

* * *

“I come bearing gifts.”
Stuart walked into my room, his arms full of plastic containers.

He set them on the table and when he turned around, I pulled him
to me and gave him a kiss.

“Whoa, what was that for, Rory?”
“For everything.”

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“Okay. So what did Vanessa want to talk to you about? Looked

like she was getting hammered tonight. I told Stacey to keep an
eye on her.”

I sat on the bed and pulled off my shoes.
“She’s not going to be visiting Ray anymore. She’s breaking up

with him.”

“Really?”
“Yup. And she figured out Joel and I aren’t cousins.”
Stuart looked up from the food, frozen. “Is that going to be a

problem?”

“I don’t think so. She’s not coming back and even if she does, I

don’t think she’ll say anything.”

“Sounds like it’s been one hell of a day, Rory.”
“Yeah. It sure has. Do you mind if we eat later?”
He walked over and stood in front of me, running a hand

through my hair. “Not hungry?”

“I’m starving.”
I pulled him onto the bed with me, our bodies quickly

entwining.  He  held  my  face  in  his  hands,  kissing  me,  his  stubble
rubbing  roughly  against  my  chin.  My  hands  went  up  the  back  of
his  shirt  and  felt  the  heat  of  his  skin.  He  started  yanking  at  my
shirt, and I let him take it off me. Piece by piece, our clothes came
off, making a pile on the floor by the bed. His fingers teased under
the  waistband  of  my  boxers,  but  he  didn’t  go  any  further.
Something  in  his  face  changed,  and  I  propped  myself  up  on  my
elbows to see his eyes better.

“What’s wrong, Stuart?”
“I want to make sure you’re okay with this. Maybe after this

morning, you want to cool things off.”

“I thought we were having fun.”

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The furrow between his eyebrows deepened, his hands gone

from my body.

“I don’t want to be the cause of any more grief in your life. I

mean, if it’s going to make you feel guilty…”

I grabbed him by the wrist and pushed his hand down until his

fingers grasped my cock. Gasping into his mouth, I managed to
answer him.

“I want this. I want you. Fuck feeling guilty.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
His fist pumped up and down on my cock, the heat of his

mouth  searing  a  path  down  my  chest  to  my  stomach.  I  looked
down  at  him  and  saw  his  eyes  shut  tight.  I  stroked  his  sandy  hair
between  my  fingers,  and  he  opened  his  eyes,  meeting  my  gaze
while  his  lips  grazed  over  the  head  of  my  cock.  Our  eyes  stayed
locked while he opened his mouth and enveloped me. My head fell
back against the bed as he took me deep into his throat. Good God,
it had been so fucking long since I’d felt anything so amazing.

His hands pressed my thighs apart, and I happily opened up to

give him more room. Stuart worked his hand and mouth in unison
on my cock, moving slowly, taking his time to explore me all over
with his tongue and lips. When he moved down to my balls, I
thought I was going to lose it. He took one in his mouth, then the
other, going back and forth, all the while teasing my slit with his
thumb.

“Stuart, oh God. That feels so good.”
My cock was only back in his mouth for a few moments before

I started to come. My hips rose off the bed, and I tightened my grip
on his hair, thrusting deep into his throat, until I was spent and
couldn’t move another muscle. With a last sweep of his tongue, he
released me, making me whimper as the overly sensitive head left

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his mouth. He moved next to me on the bed, my eyes fixed on the
ceiling, everything blurry and out of focus. I tried to catch my
breath, but my heart was still thumping out of control. He turned
my face to his and gently kissed me.

“You okay, Rory?”
“Yeah.”
I let my eyes flutter shut and sighed.
“Did I tire you out?”
I chuckled and slid my hand down his body, our eyes locked.
“A bit. But don’t worry. I still have enough energy to return the

favor.”

I took his cock in my hand and ran my thumb over his slit, a

drop of pre-cum rising to the surface. He took in a sharp breath and
grabbed onto my shoulder.

“There’s no rush. We have all night.”
“In that case, Stuart, did you happen to bring any more cake?”

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CHAPTER 9

After a week and four days and no word from Joel, he finally

called. I knew he would, after he’d stewed for a while. I’d skipped
a weekend visit, not wanting to get into another fight. I thought we
could both use the space. Although, I was close by, at the Broken
Feather. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing Stuart, so I made
the drive. We’d barely left the room all weekend, except when
Stuart went to the bar to cook for us. Joel was so excited when he
called; I knew he must have something to tell me.

“You’ll never guess the date they chose for my hearing.”
“When is it?”
“September 30th.”
It was the same day Joel had first gone to prison. It was hard to

believe we were three weeks away from it being that long.

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“Wow, talk about interesting timing.”
He chuckled, and I could hear the connection between us

crackle.

“You’ll be there, right, Rory?”
“Absolutely. No problem. I’m sure I’ll be able to get the day

off from work.”

“Great. I really need you there.”
He continued to chat to me as if nothing happened, and I took

my cue from him and pretended everything was fine. It was easy.
I’d had a lot of practice.

“So, I’ll see you this weekend, too, right? Or are you still trying

to teach me a lesson?”

“I wasn’t trying to teach you a lesson. I only skipped it to give

us time to cool off. That’s all.”

“I know things were pretty awful last time, but I promise to be

on my best behavior this weekend. Will you come?”

“Of course.”
“You sure?”
I gripped my phone tighter and stirred in my bed. There was no

way I was going to tell him I was planning to make the trip
anyway, like I’d done the week before. To see Stuart.

“It’s fine, Joel. Everything’s fine. I’ll be there on Saturday.

Bright and early.”

“Great. Can’t wait to see you.”

* * *

That Saturday, I was true to my word and went to see Joel.

Despite my fears, our visit went well. We spent most of our time
talking about the hearing. When we weren’t talking about that, we

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stuck  to  talking  about  the  past.  Good  things,  so  there  was  no
chance  of  us  getting  into  an  argument.  Vanessa  was  true  to  her
word  as  well.  I  didn’t  see  her  at  all  in  the  visitors’  room,  which
meant  we  didn’t  see  Ray  either.  Maybe  she’d  finally  gotten  him
out of her system.

The next weekend started with more of the same, with Joel on

his best behavior. He talked the whole time about the hearing and
how  excited  he  was  at  the  prospect  of  getting  out  sooner  than  he
thought  he  would.  I  kept  my  mouth  shut,  smiled  and  nodded,
keeping  the  peace.  As  our  visit  was  winding  down  on  Saturday,
Joel was still smiling.

“I can’t believe tomorrow is the last time I’ll see you before the

hearing. Keep good thoughts for me. For us.”

“I will.”
For the first time since I’d started visiting him, he let his hand

rest on my leg for a few seconds. As soon as I looked down,
though, he quickly pulled it away.

“Hey, there’s something I want to ask you, Rory.”
“What?”
“Are you still seeing that guy? The one you’ve been, uh, you

know…”

I tried to stay calm while I thought of how to answer. I wanted

to be honest, but I wasn’t sure how he’d react.

“Uh, yeah. I am.”
“It’s not serious, is it?”
A loaded question if every there was one. In my mind, things

were  getting  more serious every time I saw  Stuart. But I kept  my
growing  feelings  hidden,  so  as  not  to  ruin  what  we  had.  It  was
supposed  to  be  casual,  fun.  It  was  fun,  for  sure,  but  it  was  also
complicated, at least on my end. Stuart, on the other hand…well, I

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really had no idea how he felt. I was too scared to ask. I knew what
Joel wanted to hear, and I went about choosing my words.

“No. It’s like I tried to tell you before. It’s just, uh…”
“Physical?”
“Yeah.”
“Good…I mean, not good, but I’m glad that’s all it is. Like we

talked about. I don’t know what I’d do if you actually had feelings
for the guy.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about. He’ll be leaving

town soon anyway.”

“Well, don’t go falling in love with the guy before then.”
Joel laughed, and I joined him, but I worried his warning might

have come a bit too late.

When my visit was over, I drove to the motel, my heart racing

in anticipation of seeing Stuart. The guilt I’d felt at lying to Joel
was still there, but knowing I’d soon see Stuart made it diminish
faster. I pulled open the door to the office, and my heart sank when
I saw Sid behind the counter. Stuart hadn’t mentioned anything the
last time I visited about Sid coming back to work. He smiled when
he saw me, his knee still bandaged, his leg propped up on a chair.

“Hey, Rory, good to see you.”
“You, too, Sid. How’s the knee?”
“Doing good. Doctors want me to stay off it as much as

possible for a little while longer, but I figured I can at least sit
around here.”

“Right. Well, it’s good to have you back.”
“So I keep hearing. And I know Stuart will be happy to be outta

this place.”

His words were like a kick in the stomach, but I tried to act

normal.

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“Is he around today?”
“Yeah, he’s messing around in the kitchen. I heard his food

was a big hit. I’m sure this new restaurant he’s planning will be a
huge success.”

“I’m sure.”
“Here’s your room key.”
“Thanks, Sid.”
Instead of heading to my room, I picked up my bag and walked

into the bar. Stuart was behind the counter, his phone in his hands,
his thumbs flying. There was a smile on his face, and when he
looked up, he started laughing.

“Hey, I’m glad you’re here. I have some great news.”
“Yeah, I saw. Your dad’s back.”
He came out from behind the bar and wrapped me in his arms.

“That’s part of it, but the really good news is that I talked to my
friend, and everything is set for when I get back. We can finally
start getting this restaurant off the ground.”

I smiled, trying not to freak out as he continued.
“It’s going to be great. I’m so excited.”
He kissed me before I could say anything, so giddy he was

nearly bouncing out of his skin.

“That’s amazing, Stuart. I’m really happy for you.”
He studied my face, and I did my best to hide my real feelings

about what he said.

“Thanks. I can’t believe it’s really happening. Well, at least

things are starting to happen.”

I pulled myself out of his arms and jumped onto a barstool.

“When do you leave?”

I tried to keep my voice upbeat, but it felt forced. Lucky for

me, he seemed in too good a mood to care.

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INDEFINITE STAY

“Well, as long as Dad is really okay, I’m planning to leave

Friday.”

His phone beeped, and he grabbed it off the bar, the text

making him laugh out loud. While he thumbed out his reply, I
slung my backpack over my shoulder.

“I really need a shower. I think I’m gonna head back to the

room for a bit.”

He glanced up at me and then back at his screen.
“Okay. I have some stuff to finish up here, but then I’ll come

by. We have to celebrate.”

“Absolutely.”
As I walked out, his phone rang and by the sound of his voice

as he spoke, it was the friend from San Francisco. I pushed through
the bar door to the sounds of his happy chuckles.

* * *

“So, are you happy about Joel’s hearing?”
Stuart lay next to me, our hands clasped, the television quietly

talking in the background.

“I wouldn’t say happy. Even if it’s positive, it’s only the first

step. There could still be a long way to go.”

“But it’s good news, right?”
“I guess. Not as good as your news.”
He snuggled a bit closer and kissed my cheek.
“You haven’t said much about me leaving, Rory.”
“What is there to say? I knew you weren’t going to be around

forever. I guess I thought Sid would be laid up a bit longer.”

“I knew he wouldn’t stay at home for any more time than he

needed to. It’s not his style. I should’ve bribed the doctor to lie to

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him. Buy some more time together.”

“Well, this way you can get your new project started sooner.

That should make you happy.”

I listened to him breathe for a while before his deep voice

reverberated off the walls.

“I’m gonna miss this. And you.”
I fought my impulse to tell him the truth, to tell him how much

he meant to me. I’d thought about it the whole car ride back from
the jail. I felt guilty lying to Joel, but I felt guiltier not telling Stuart
the truth. I wanted to scream at him not to go, but instead I ran my
hand through his hair and kissed his forehead.

“Me, too. Hey, it had to end sometime, right?”
“I guess so. But it’s not quite over yet. I mean, I’ll see you

when you get back from visiting Joel tomorrow. Maybe we could
have dinner before you head home. I’ll cook you something
special. Something to remember me by.”

“Sounds good.”
He caressed my cheek before he pulled me into a kiss, then

asked, “You ever been to San Francisco?”

“Nope. I haven’t really been anywhere.”
“You’d like it. It’s beautiful.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it. Or you can send me a

postcard.”

“I’ll do you one better. Maybe you can come visit me

sometime. Try out my new recipes and tell me what you think.”

I nudged him in his side, trying not to take anything he said too

seriously. Visiting sounded amazing, but there was no point in
entertaining the fantasy.

“I’m sure you’ll manage without me. There have to be plenty

of people who’d be willing to taste test for you. Just flash that

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smile and they’ll come running.”

He pulled me on top of him and pressed his hands into my

lower back.

“It’s a lot more fun with you, though.”
“I thought you were looking for more than fun.”
“I am.” He kissed me and grabbed my ass. “But not right this

minute, Rory.”

I let him roll me onto my back, his hand reaching under my

shirt. I put up no resistance when he started to undress me. If this
was going to be the last time, there was no sense in playing coy. I
was concealing enough already.

“God, you’re so fucking hot, Rory.”
He didn’t give me a chance to react, my mouth claimed by his.

The moment made my chest ache, the reality of what was about to
happen weighing heavily. In the beginning, I resisted how much I
wanted him, how  much being close to him affected  me. The guilt
would come and go, but now everything I felt for him  was tinged
with  sadness.  The  happiness  I’d  had  for  a  few  weeks  was  gone,
like he would be soon.

Without meaning to, I’d let our perfect simple plan turn

complicated.  While  Stuart  seemed  able  to  remain  immune,  I’d
allowed him to become more than a way to feel better, more than a
way  to  fill  the  physical  void  left  by  Joel.  He  got  into  my  heart.
Emotionally, I’d checked out of my relationship with Joel as soon
as he was hauled off in handcuffs in an attempt to protect myself. I
never  really  believed  he’d  be  set  free  before  the  seven  years  had
past. Until now. The  walls I’d put up would  have to come down,
and  Joel  and  I  would  have  to  start  over.  Which  would  have  been
hard enough without throwing someone else into the mix. It was so
easy to let Stuart in, to be carried away by it all. Stupid, but easy.

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He looked down at me, both of us breathing heavily, his eyes

piercing right through me.

“You okay, man?”
Once again, the thought of telling him the truth bubbled up, but

I pushed it aside, focusing on the contact between our bodies, the
press of his  weight on top of  me. I couldn’t  manage  more  than a
nod,  but  that  seemed  to  be  enough  for  him  to  keep  going.  He
pushed  my  hands  above  my  head,  kissing  and  nuzzling  under  my
arm before moving his lips to my nipple. My cock rubbed against
his stomach as I writhed underneath him, letting him do whatever
he wanted to do. His mouth was everywhere, and I could only lie
back and enjoy it.

He pushed off me and crawled up the bed until he was kneeling

next to my head. His fingers pushed through my hair before he
bent over and kissed me.

“I want you to suck my cock, Rory.”
I reached out, hooked my arm around his thigh and pulled him

closer,  guiding  the  head  of  his  dick  to  my  lips.  I  didn’t  take  him
into  my  mouth right away,  though. Instead, I teased him  with  my
tongue,  running  it  along  the  underside  of  his  cock,  before  I  took
one of his balls into my mouth.

“Fuck. Oh, Jesus.”
It was one of the many things I’d discovered he liked during

our time together. As I ran my tongue around the sensitive orb, his
grip tightened on my hair and he let out the sweetest moan. I loved
the way he sounded when I played with his balls. It was a noise I
would never forget. Well, hopefully. When I finally took his cock
down  my  throat,  he  hissed  out  a  breath  and  started  pumping  his
hips  forward.  I  let  him  fuck  my  mouth  and  reached  up  to  run  a
fingertip over the pucker of  his ass. Stuart eased back a bit, and I

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looked up at him,  his  fist around the base of  his cock. He  ran the
head  over  my  lips  and  tongue  before  shoving  himself  back  in  my
mouth. My eyes closed again and his thumb rubbed over my nipple
softly  before  giving  it  a  pinch.  I  arched  at  the  pain,  but  it  faded
quickly into pleasure.

He pulled out of my mouth and scrambled off the bed,

searching  through  the  pile  of  clothes  we’d  created  on  the  floor.  I
sat  up,  leaning  back  on  my  hands,  and  watched  him.  When  he
stood, he flashed  me a smile, and  my  heart clenched in  my chest.
He  slid  back  into  bed  next  to  me  and  pulled  me  into  his  arms,
kissing me with an intensity that scared me a bit.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this, Rory?”
I knew what he was asking me, and I knew exactly what I

wanted to say. I wrapped my leg around him, trying to get a little
bit closer.

“I’m sure.” I leaned my forehead to his and closed my eyes,

hoping he’d hear what was really behind the words I was about to
speak. “I want you to fuck me, Stuart.”

He kissed my neck as he ran his cool, lubed fingers over my

asshole, getting me ready for him. When the tip of his finger eased
inside me, I cried out, the slide of his digit sending another rush of
blood to my cock. He finger-fucked me slowly, his breath hot on
my skin. When I thought I couldn’t take the teasing any more, he
looked at me with his gorgeous blue eyes and kissed me.

“You ready?”
“Yeah.”
I rolled flat on my back, and he knelt between my legs, tearing

the condom wrapper with his teeth. I stared at the ceiling and
waited until he crawled over me. We kissed, the head of his
sheathed cock resting against my asshole. He looked down at me,

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neither  of  us  moving.  I  opened  my  mouth  to  say  something,
anything, but  he  kissed  me  first, and the  head of  his cock  entered
me  at  the  same  time.  I  gasped,  the  sharp  sting  of  pain  quickly
subsiding  as  he  kept  going,  inching  into  me.  Gripping  his  back,  I
eased my legs higher and wider, letting him go deeper. When there
was  no  more  of  him  for  me  to  take,  we  stayed  still,  holding  onto
each  other  for  a  moment.  Our  eyes  met,  his  hands  cradling  my
face.  It  took  everything  I  had  not  to  blurt  out  something  I
shouldn’t. I chose instead the safe route.

“Oh, fuck, Stuart. You feel so damn good.”
“So do you.”
He held my gaze until I couldn’t stand it anymore and closed

my eyes. It was then that he started moving, driving into me with
powerful strokes. It felt so good I could barely breathe. It  wasn’t
just because it had been almost a year since I’d been with anyone
or  the  fact  that  Stuart  had  an  amazing  cock.  The  emotion  of  the
moment hit me like a freight train, and with each touch, each kiss,
each exquisite slide of him in and out of me, my heart felt the tug.
It was almost too much to handle. I held onto him for dear life, as
if I could  make  him  feel something  more  for  me than just  lust by
sheer force of will.

In a few short days, he’d be three thousand miles away. I’d

soon become a distant memory, some guy he messed around with
for  a  while.  Someone  who  filled  the  void.  But  right  now,  in  the
moment, I wanted to matter to him. I was afraid to open my eyes,
for fear of letting the tears  flow, so I  kept them closed, no  matter
how  much  I  wanted  to  look  at  him.  He  reached  between  us  and
took my cock in his hand, stroking me until I started whimpering.
My fingers dug deeper into his back, looking for any way to hold
onto him for a little while longer. My whole body started to tense,

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and I could feel the trembling starting in my legs. It was all too
much. My heart couldn’t take it.

“Oh, God, I’m gonna come.”
Stuart’s hand pumped quicker on my cock, and something

inside  me  broke.  My  voice  cracked  as  I  moaned,  the  sound  of  it
ringing off the walls. The pleasure that wracked through my body
had  never  felt  so  intense,  weeks  of  pent-up  feelings  finally  being
set free. No messing around could compare to him fucking me. He
held  me  tight  as  my  mind  scrambled  into  a  million  out-of-control
pieces, the sadness and fear gone long enough to let the ecstasy in.
Stuart pounded into me hard a few more times before he came, his
groans muffled by my neck.

Soon, we were both still, our bodies sweaty and spent. When he

finally  eased  off  me,  I  let  my  eyes  flutter  open,  expecting  to  see
that  something  had  changed.  But  we  were  still  in  the  same  motel
room,  with  the  same  dim  light  and  same  old  wallpaper.  I  rolled
away from him, unable to look at his face, but that didn’t stop him
from spooning behind  me. He kissed  me on the back of the neck,
wrapping his arms around me.

“That was unbelievable, Rory. Why did we wait so long to do

that?”

“Don’t know. I guess we were too busy with other stuff. Like

you plying me with food.” I tried to keep my voice light, even
though inside I was dying.

He laughed at my joke, but I couldn’t even bring myself to

smile. Now that the moment was over, it felt like someone had
taken the air out of the room.

“I’m sorry to be a bad guest, but you really tired me out. I’m

about to pass out.”

“Me, too.”

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He pulled me a little bit tighter, and I moved the blankets over

us.

“Sweet dreams, Rory.”
I meant to answer him, but I couldn’t. After a few minutes,

when I heard him softly snoring, I eased myself out of bed, careful
not to disturb him. Once I was safely in the bathroom, I let the
tears fall.

* * *

I moved around the room as quietly as I could, but as I was

slipping on my shoes, I heard Stuart’s voice.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?”
I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. His hair was a

mess and his eyes were half open. He looked so adorable it almost
hurt. Running my fingers through the sandy strands, I leaned down
and kissed him.

“I’m going for my visit.”
“Can’t you skip it this once? His hearing is Friday. You’ll see

him then.”

“I promised.”
“You should stay.” He groaned and rubbed his eyes.
“I can’t.”
“Sure you can. In fact, you should stay until Friday.”
His words shocked me, and I couldn’t hide the fact when I

spoke.

“Oh, really? Why?”
He ran a hand along my thigh and I tried to ignore how good it

felt.

“So we can say goodbye properly. And have sex a few dozen

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more times, obviously.”

His smile was sincere, but I knew he was fooling around.
“It’s tempting, but I can’t. I have to work.”
“Blow it off. Come on, Rory. Stay with me. You know you

want to.”

His words were like a knife to my heart. If he’d asked me to

stay for good, I would have in a second. But that  wasn’t what  he
was  asking.  He  wanted  a  few  more  days;  I  wanted  forever.  His
hands  started  roaming  all  over  me,  but  instead  of  being  able  to
enjoy it, it only made me uncomfortable.

“I really have to go.”
He sighed and rubbed my leg again, his eyes half closed.
“Oh, alright. Go ahead and go. But when you get back, you get

your butt right back into this bed. You’re not checking out until I
say so. Got it?”

I swallowed hard, trying to make the lump that had taken up

residence in my throat the night before disappear. “Go back to
sleep.”

He yawned and stretched a bit before tucking the blanket under

his arms. “Fine. If you insist. See you soon.”

I moved to get up, but he pulled me back down and kissed me

so sweetly. We looked at each other for a long time, and I almost
cracked.

“’Bye, Stuart.”
His smile made me a bit weak, but I was determined to get out

of the room as soon as I could.

“’Bye. Hurry back.”
I finished dressing and, when he rolled over, I picked up my

bag and left the room quickly. Walking into the office, I was happy
Sid wasn’t behind the counter. I paid my bill without a word and

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CHAPTER 10

“What do you mean, he’s not available? Like he has

somewhere else to be?”

The guard smirked at my words, which was the most emotion

I’d ever seen any of them express.

“It means the prisoner is unavailable for visitation.”
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb

and finger. “I got that. What I want to know is why?”

“Hold on.”
He walked out of the little box he worked in, and the door

slammed  behind  him.  I  looked  around  the  lobby,  the  people
waiting to check in behind me shooting daggers my way. I turned
around  and  stared  at  the  Formica  counter  in  front  of  me,  the
surface  worn  and  pitted  with  marks.  Minutes  ticked  by  and  when

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the guard reappeared, he seemed surprised I was still standing
there.

“The inmate is unavailable due to disciplinary reasons.”
He crossed something off a piece of paper in front of him and

didn’t say anything else.

“What does that mean?”
“Look, dude. I don’t know exactly what he did, but it means he

fucked up. No visits, no phone calls until further notice. That’s all I
can tell you. Now, if you’re not here for a visit, you’re going to
have to leave.”

“Fine. Thanks for nothing.”
I knew it wasn’t the guard’s fault, but I couldn’t keep my anger

in. I pushed the door open and stepped out into the parking lot,
cursing under my breath.

How the hell could Joel be so stupid?
It was a few days before the hearing and he was doing

something to get banned from visits. It had only happened once
before in the year since he’d been inside and, in that instance, it
was some argument he’d had with another inmate in the yard that
got physical. Lord knows what he managed to get himself into this
time. I’d have to wait until Friday to find out, since I couldn’t call
him either.

As I approached the exit for the Broken Feather, I thought

about  getting  off  and  heading  back  to  room  thirty-one,  where
Stuart was most likely still asleep. Even though I’d checked out, I
was  sure  I  could  get  the  part  timer  behind  the  counter  to  let  me
back  in.  I  could  make  up  some  bullshit  excuse  about  leaving
something behind. Hell, I could knock on the door and have Stuart
let me in. Tell him I lost my key card. I could take him up on his
offer of staying for the day, letting him cook for me and spending

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the rest of the morning in bed together. So it would hurt more later.
If he wanted me, even for a little while longer, why was I willing
to throw that away?

I put on my turn signal and changed lanes, the green sign

signaling  one  mile  to  go  to  the  exit  for  the  Broken  Feather.  The
white dashes flew by; the path of the road burned into my brain. I
followed the ramp, paid my toll and pulled into the motel parking
lot. I stared out the windshield at the front of the building and tried
to think. It would be so easy. Knock on the door, slip back between
those  sheets  and  let  Stuart  put  his  arms  around  me.  Closing  my
eyes,  I  thought  back  to  the  first  time  I  saw  him  that  day  in  the
office.  I  knew  it  was  going  to  be  the  start  of  something.  I  had  no
idea we’d end up in bed, even if my fantasies had put Stuart there
from the start.

It had started out so simply. We both wanted someone to touch,

someone to make us feel a little less lonely. My keys were still in
my  hand  as  both  sides  of  my  brain  fought  it  out.  I  would  have
given  anything  to  feel  Stuart  inside  me  again,  but  my  already
broken heart was crying out in protest. Knocking would only delay
the inevitable. San Francisco  beckoned. His future, his dream, his
life.  I  was  a  detour  for  him,  like  he  was  supposed  to  be  for  me.  I
should have known I’d fall for him. Should have known I wouldn’t
be  able  to  keep  my  heart  out  of  it.  It  was  never  my  style.  It  was
how I ended up falling for a guy like Joel…someone I knew deep
down was trouble.

Before I could change my mind, I put the keys back in the

ignition and reversed out of my parking spot and peeled out onto
the street. The Broken Feather shrank from view as I got back on
the turnpike to go back home. Better to have a clean break, with no
messy goodbyes or tearful pleas for more time. I just didn’t have it

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in me to really let him go.

After three mind-numbing hours, I arrived at my apartment, my

stomach growling and my head pounding. When I pushed open my
front door, I saw Monroe was exactly where I’d left him when I
took off for the weekend—on the couch, the remote in one hand
and a beer in the other.

“Hey, Rory, what are you doing home already? I thought I

wouldn’t see you until tomorrow.”

“Good to see you, too, man.”
“Seriously, what’s going on?”
“Well, let’s see. Joel wasn’t allowed to have visitors due to

some sort of disciplinary action. I have no idea what that’s about.”

“And Stuart?”
I sighed as I thought back to the night before, the bit of beard

burn he’d left on my chin still sore. I’d spent my entire ride home
chastising myself for leaving without saying goodbye, but there
was nothing to do now but move on. I dropped onto the sofa and
let out a sigh.

“I slept with him. Then I left this morning without saying

goodbye. He was expecting me to come back, but I bailed.”

“Why?”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. Why didn’t you say goodbye? I thought you really liked

the guy.”

“I do. But, believe me, it was for the best. If I had gone back,

I’d have done something stupid like told him how I feel and then
I’d have had to deal with the aftermath. I couldn’t do it, so I told
him I’d be back after my visit, but I came home instead.”

“Maybe he would have surprised you.”
“Doubt it. And it really doesn’t matter now. Joel has his

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hearing and if all goes well, he might be back soon.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to be there waiting for him, Rory.

Even if he gets out, you two can go your separate ways. Lord
knows, you should anyway. I’ve been telling you that from the
beginning.”

“I know, but I can’t think about that now. Let me get through

the hearing first, then I can deal with what comes next. It’s the
most I can handle right now.”

Monroe looked at me, but I kept my eyes focused on the TV.
“So, you need me to go with you to the courthouse?”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Of course I would. Even though I think it would be better if

we both stay home, I know you’re going to go no matter what I
say. So, consider this moral support. And, if all goes well for me, a
big ‘I told you so.’”

“You’d never say that to me, and you know it.”
He smiled before sipping his beer. “You’re right. Damn me and

my sensitive side.”

“Is that what you call it?”
“Sounds better than spineless wuss, don’t you think?”
“I do, but in all seriousness, thanks, man. I owe you one.”
“You owe me a lot more than that.”
“That’s true.”
He flipped the television off and stood.
“Tell you what…you can take me to lunch to start paying off

your tab.”

“Deal.”

* * *

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I spent the whole week with a gnawing feeling in my stomach.

I  was  useless at  work,  my  ability  to concentrate down to  nothing.
Between  thinking  about  Joel  and  thinking  about  Stuart,  there
wasn’t much room in my head for anything else. I’d heard nothing
from either of them, which was no surprise. Joel couldn’t call, and
I was pretty sure I’d never given Stuart a way to reach me. There
hadn’t  seemed  to  be  much  point  in  exchanging  numbers,  as  our
relationship seemed destined to be confined to room thirty-one and
the bar at the Broken Feather.

Friday dawned dark and dreary, the rain pounding my windows

at a steady clip. I’d slept like crap, tossing and turning all night, my
brain swirling with mixed emotions. My mind would shut off for a
few minutes, and I’d have visions of Stuart above me and almost
feel his mouth on my skin. Or I’d see Joel, back before jail, when
we first got together and life felt full of promise. They both
conspired to keep me from getting a moment’s peace. I wondered
when Stuart’s flight left. It already felt like he was a million miles
away. I’d thought of calling the hotel all week to apologize, or at
least explain why I left, but I never got the courage. He’d be gone
soon and none of it would matter anyway.

I pulled myself out of bed in frustration at six in the morning

and shuffled to the bathroom, hoping a shower would get me clear-
headed enough to face the day.

Monroe decided to drive us to the courthouse, which was about

an hour away  from the apartment. Joel’s hearing  was supposed to
be  at  nine,  and,  as  promised,  I  supplied  coffee  and  donuts  for  the
journey.  After  parking  in  the  underground  garage,  we  got  in  the
security  line  that  started  right  inside  the  door  of  the  lobby.  I  felt
sweat starting to form on my back and couldn’t stop fidgeting.

“What’s with you, Rory? You act like this is your hearing.”

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“I’m nervous. I have no idea what’s going to happen.”
“Did you talk to the lawyer at all this week?”
“He didn’t return any of my calls. Which is strange. That guy

never missed an opportunity to change me for a returned call
before. Now all of a sudden, he’s gone silent. I can’t decide if
that’s good or bad.”

“I guess we’ll find out soon.”
The metal detectors were nicer than the ones at the prison, but

the feeling was the same. We passed through unscathed and made
our way to courtroom five. Our footsteps echoed in the wide hall,
which  was  mostly  deserted.  There  was  a  bench  outside  the
courtroom  and  sitting  on  it,  a  cell  phone  pressed  to  his  ear,  was
Joel’s lawyer. He stood when he saw me and scrambled to get off
the phone in a  hurry. I  stopped a few  feet away  from  him,  but he
crooked a finger and beckoned me the rest of the way.

“Mr. Driskell, good to see you.”
“You too, Mr. Vander Wall. Everything set for the hearing?”
He grimaced as he tucked his cell phone into his jacket pocket,

and I felt my heart clench.

“There’s not going to be a hearing.”
I looked at Monroe, who had been bored by the proceedings

until now.

“What? Why not?”
“It’s a bit complicated.” The lawyer put a hand to my shoulder

and gave a weak smile. “Joel wants to explain everything to you
himself. That’s why I didn’t return your calls this week. I
apologize for that, by the way, but my client was very clear about
that.”

“I can see him?”
“Yeah. He’s right down the hall. Come with me.”

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I turned to Monroe, who was making himself comfortable on

the bench.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can, Monroe.”
“Don’t worry about it. I can wait. Go see what’s going on.”
I walked behind Mr. Vander Wall and tried to keep my

breathing slow and even. We turned down a hallway to the left and
stopped in front of an unmarked door. He turned the knob, but then
stepped aside to let me walk in alone.

“Take as much time as you need, Mr. Driskell.”
“Thanks.”
I eased the door open, and Joel was sitting at a table, his wrists

cuffed together on top of the table. There was a cop standing by the
door on the other side of the room, but as soon as he saw me, he
stepped out, although I could see him through the window. I pulled
out the chair and sat. I stared at Joel, who was having trouble
meeting my eyes.

“What the hell is going on, Joel? What happened to the

hearing?”

“There isn’t going to be one.”
“So I heard. Mind filling in the blanks? I’d ask Vander Wall,

but it would cost too much. Is this about why you couldn’t see me
last Sunday?”

“Sort of.”
“Sort of? What does that mean?”
“I got into a fight on Saturday night, after I talked to Vander

Wall. He told me that the police had new evidence and it was bad.
I kind of flipped out, and when that prick who’s always fucking
with me started up again, I lost my cool and punched him. That’s
why I couldn’t see you.”

“Jesus, Joel. So, the police have new evidence? What is it?

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What do they know now that they didn’t two years ago?”

“I don’t know how to say this.”
“Just fucking say it.”
He choked down a few breaths and looked at me, finally able to

hold my gaze for longer than a second.

“I did it, Rory. I’m guilty.”
My mouth fell open, and even though it wasn’t the most

shocking thing I’d ever heard, I still couldn’t believe it.

“What? You told me that— I mean, you said you didn’t do

anything except go to the house. That the drugs weren’t yours.
That you had nothing to do with it.”

There were tears forming in his eyes, but I didn’t care. I was

too mad to feel bad for him.

“I lied.”
“So I gather.”
I stood up and felt like punching the wall, but instead I paced

the small space, trying not to freak out.

“You have to understand.”
“Are you fucking kidding me, Joel? What am I supposed to

understand?  That  you  lied  to  me  this  whole  time?  I  hired  you  a
fucking lawyer. I spent thousands of dollars trying to defend  you,
thinking  you  were innocent.  How could  you let  me do that if  you
knew all this time?”

“Please, sit down, Rory.”
I did as he asked, but only to get everything over with faster.
“I know this is going to sound terrible, but I was so sure they

didn’t have any proof. The public defender was a joke…you know
that. I thought with a real lawyer, things would work out.”

“What do you mean you thought they didn’t have any proof?

They obviously did.”

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He sighed, reaching both his hands up to wipe a tear away.
“One of the guys who was dealing with me…his brother was in

the house that day when the cops showed up. He knew everything.
My buddy told me he wouldn’t talk.”

“Okay.”
“But when we reopened the case to try and get me out, the cops

went snooping around and found out about the brother. They’ve
been trying to find him for months.”

“So what happened? Why is this all going on now?”
“His girlfriend was pregnant, and he came back to town for the

birth. The cops showed up and told him he’d never see his kid
again if he didn’t talk. You can guess what he chose.”

I put my head in my hands for a moment before I pounded my

fist against the table. Joel jumped and tried to reach out for me.

“Rory, I only did what I did so I could get out and be with

you.”

“Bullshit. You did it because you’re an idiot. The same reason

you were dealing drugs in the first place. Well, I guess I should
look on the bright side. I could’ve spent more money I don’t have
to free a drug dealer.”

“I’m going to pay you back.”
I laughed, the whole situation so absurd. “How the hell are you

going to manage that?”

His eyes went back to the table, and I had about heard enough.
“There’s a box under your bed, Rory. Inside, there’s some cash,

a few savings bonds and everything I own that’s worth anything.”

“What? Since when?”
“I put it there before I went in…in case…you know…”
“The truth came out?”
“Well, yeah.”

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“So, what? I’m supposed to hock your crap. Like that’s going

to make up for anything. I don’t want your drug money.”

“It’s not drug money. It’s money my grandmother gave me a

few months before I got busted. I never had the chance to spend
it.”

“Why should I believe you?”
“I don’t know, but it’s true. I want you to have the cash. It’s not

much, but it’s all I got. And I want you to have my car. The keys
are in the box, and I’m going to have Vander Wall transfer the title
to you. My parents know you’re coming to get it. I want you to sell
it and use the money to move on with your life.”

“Now you want me to move on? Last weekend you wanted me

to stick by you.”

“That was before…”
“Before you were found out.”
Silence stretched out between us, neither of us knowing what to

say next. Joel sniffed a few times and cleared his throat.

“Maybe you can call that guy from the motel—Stuart.”
My eyes went wide, and I sat back in the chair. “How do you

know his name?”

“Vanessa told me.”
“Vanessa? That’s ridiculous. You never talked to her. And she

wouldn’t have told you that anyway.”

“I never had talked to her. Until recently. She’s been visiting

Ray again. During the week. I guess she got a job working
weekends.”

“What? I can’t believe she’d do that.”
“She also said it worked out great because she wouldn’t run

into you. She didn’t want you to know she caved and went back to
him. Again. She also told me she told you to leave me. Smart girl.

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It’s advice I should’ve given you two years ago, but I was too
selfish to do it.”

“So, now you want me to be with him?”
“I know you said it was nothing, but I could tell you were

lying. You never were as good at it as me.”

“Clearly.”
“I’m saying you should go for it. I’m sure he already knows

how you feel. If it was anything like it was with us, he’d have been
able to see it all over your face.”

He smiled, but I was too angry to return it.
“Maybe I’m not as transparent as I used to be.”
“I doubt that.”
Again, he tried to reach his hands out, but I slid mine back. My

brain was overloaded and I couldn’t take anymore. I stood up
again, but this time I stayed still, my eyes settling on Joel.

“I don’t want to talk about this with you, Joel.”
“I understand.”
I shook my head and shoved my hands in my pockets.
“I can’t believe you did this to me. After everything we’ve

been through, you should’ve been honest with me from the start.”

“If you knew the truth, would you have ever come to see me?”
I hesitated, and he continued before I could say anything.
“Be honest, Rory.”
I shook my head, admitting what we both already knew.
“I didn’t want to lose you. I know it was selfish of me and that

I can never make all this up to you, but I lied to protect you.”

“And to keep me paying the bills.”
“That’s not it.”
“The hell it’s not.”
He started to cry, and I did my best to remain stoic. I always

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was lousy at being impassive to other people’s pain. Even jerks
who lied to me and turned my world upside down.

“Rory, I love you. I wanted you in my life. I knew you

deserved better and if I’d gotten out, I’d have spent the rest of my
life making it up to you. But…”

“But now you’re going to spend the next seven years alone.”
“Probably more like ten now.”
“Jesus, Joel.”
As much as I wanted to scream at him some more, I couldn’t

muster up the rage, seeing him in such a state. He’d done it to
himself, but that didn’t stop me from feeling sorry for the guy.

“I don’t blame you for hating me, Rory.”
“That’s big of you.”
He shrugged in resignation and wiped a tear off his cheek, his

cuffed hands making it awkward and sad.

“I don’t know what else to say.”
“There isn’t anything else to say. Except goodbye, Joel. Take

care of yourself.”

I pulled open the door, and he called out, “Rory, wait.”
I didn’t stop. Mr. Vander Wall handed me some papers on my

way  out,  including  the  car  title  transfer.  His  last  act  as  Joel’s
lawyer, it turned out. I signed it quickly and handed it back to him,
and  he  muttered  something  about  sending  me  the  final  papers  in
the  mail.  I  nodded,  barely  listening.  I  got  back  to  where  Monroe
was sitting, his phone in his hands. He looked up and his face went
white.

“Dude, what happened?”
“I’ll tell you in the car. Let’s get the hell out of here. I don’t

know about you, but I’m starving.”

When we got back to the apartment, I looked under the bed

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100

and,  sure  enough,  found  a  box  I  didn’t  recognize.  I  pulled  it  out
and  wiped  the  dust  from  the  top.  After  flipping  the  lid  open,  I
started  digging  through  the  contents.  There  was  a  small  stack  of
cash  in  an  envelope  with  a  card,  signed  by  his  grandmother.  The
stack  of  savings  bonds  sat  on  top  of  a  small  gold  box  in  which  I
found a few pieces of jewelry and some old coins. I picked up the
keys  to  the  car—the  Mustang,  Joel’s  pride  and  joy—that  would
soon belong to me. I looked closer at the key ring and saw it was
one  I’d  bought  him  years  before  on  a  trip  to  the  beach.  I  threw
everything  in  the  box  and  shoved  it  all  under  the  bed.  I  just
couldn’t deal with it anymore.

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CHAPTER 11

It was hard to believe it had been nearly two months. The days

had  gotten  shorter,  the  wind  went  from  balmy  to  cool  and  I’d
agreed  against  my  better  judgment  to  accompany  Monroe  to  his
parents’ house  for Thanksgiving.  After the  last day of  September
turned my life upside down, things had mostly returned to normal.
I went to work, I came home and tried not to think about Stuart. Or
Joel.

I’d done the thing I swore I wouldn’t do and gone on the

Internet  and  did  a  little  checking  on  Stuart  and  his  life  in  San
Francisco.  There  was  a  write-up  about  the  restaurant  in  a  local
paper  and  there  was  a  photo  of  him  and  his  friend,  arm  in  arm,
smiling. It was like a kick in the gut. Google was a dangerous thing
when you’re missing someone as much as I missed him. It was like

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102

torture,  but  for  some  reason  I  couldn’t  stop.  I  thrived  on  the
mundane  pieces  of  his  past  I  found  online,  like  somehow  it  kept
me  close  to  him.  It  was  pathetic.  On  the  bright  side,  with  each
passing day, the acute pain was lessening to a dull ache.

My feelings for Joel were a lot less clear. I was still irate with

him, but I also felt sorry for him. He’d made so many dumb
mistakes in his life and, while it still made no sense to me why he
lied, I knew him well enough to see his twisted logic at work. I’d
done nothing with the car or the money he’d given me. In fact, it
felt as though my whole life had been in a holding pattern since
that day.

I sat at the dining room table, the rest of Monroe’s family

having retired to the living room to watch football. I stared down at
the half-eaten piece of pumpkin pie on my plate and got lost in my
thoughts. Until Monroe interrupted.

“Are you going to finish that?”
I smiled as he plunked down next to me, his fork poised.
“Nah, go ahead.”
I laughed as he shoveled the rest of the pie into his mouth in

three quick bites, his jaw working overtime as he chewed.

“I can’t believe you have any room left. You had thirds,

Monroe.”

He sighed after he swallowed and rubbed his stomach.
“God, I love Thanksgiving. My mom makes the best stuffing.”
“Yeah, it was all really good.”
He stared at me, as I sipped the same glass of wine I’d been

nursing all night.

“When are you gonna snap out of this, dude?”
“What are you talking about?”
He gave me a look I’d seen a million times before, and I

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103

crossed my arms over my chest.

“Please, you know exactly what I mean. This sleepwalking

through the day, the never-leaving-the-apartment thing you’ve
been working on. I mean, when are you going to deal with the car
and all that stuff.”

“I don’t know. When I’m ready. Why do you care anyway?”
“Because I can’t stand to see you like this. I know you’re

hurting, but you have to do something. Call the motel, find out
Stuart’s number and talk to him. Tell him you were stupid. And
scared.”

“There’s no point.”
“Sure there is. If nothing else, you could finally answer the

question of whether or not he had any feelings for you. Get some
closure. Then maybe you could finally move on.”

“It’s not that simple.”
“Only because you’re making it hard. Or better yet, cash in

Joel’s chips and drive out there and tell him in person that you love
him.”

I laughed at Monroe’s idea, leaning back in my chair until the

front legs were off the ground. As I teetered, I tried to ignore the
glimmer of excitement that ran through me at the prospect of going
to California to tell Stuart the truth. But I couldn’t tell Monroe that.

“First, I don’t love him. Second, I can’t do that.”
“Why not? You got something better going on?”
“I have a job.”
“That you hate.”
I looked at him expecting to see his telltale smirk, letting me

know he was yanking my chain, but instead he was staring at me,
concern in his eyes.

“You’re actually being serious right now, aren’t you?”

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104

“Yes, Rory, I am. Sell that car, cash those bonds, and get outta

here. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“Um, how much time have you got?”
“Tell me. Tell me what’s the worst case scenario?”
I paused, thinking about his question, downing the rest of my

wine.

“He could reject me. Tell me he never had any feelings for me.

Tell me to go back home.”

“So? Then you’d get in your car and come home. It’s not like

I’m going anywhere. You can always move back in with me.
Unless, of course, I find some nice girl to move in while you’re
gone.”

I chuckled, setting my chair back on four feet.
“It’s good to know I have a rock solid Plan B if it doesn’t work

out.”

“Hey, I might meet someone.”
“You meet plenty of people…they just never stick around.”
He shoved me on the shoulder and got serious again. “Come

on, man, and take a chance. For once in your life.”

I stammered out a few useless syllables before I got the words

right.

“I can’t, Monroe.”
“Because you’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared. Driving all the way to California to tell

someone I…well, that I might love him isn’t the kind of thing I do
everyday.”

“You don’t have to do it everyday. You only have to do it once.

And, you know, he might tell you that he loves you, too. And that
he’s been pining for you since you left him high and dry at the
motel without an explanation or even a note.”

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105

“What if he can’t forgive me? For disappearing, I mean.”
“That’s a question you should ask him.”
I mulled it all over and the more I thought about it, the less and

less crazy it all seemed. I poured myself another glass of wine and
drank half in one gulp.

“I can’t believe I’m even considering this.”
“Me neither, but how much wine do I have to pour you until

you agree?”

“I’m not sure. Is there another bottle in the kitchen?”

* * *

I expected my boss to protest more when I gave my two weeks’

notice. But he didn’t say much, except to tell me that I couldn’t
take my stapler or tape dispenser with me. Big loss. There was no
card or cake on my last day. Most people barely acknowledged me
as I walked out for the last time. I guess I hadn’t made much of an
impression on my co-workers.

Selling Joel’s car took no time at all, and I’d made good money

on it. Three guys came to look at it as soon as I put the ad online,
which made for an interesting few days. Monroe helped me pit
them against each other in order to get maximum cash for my
trouble. With the money in the bank, I was ready to make my drive
to California. I still couldn’t believe I was doing it, but there was
no turning back now.

I couldn’t bring myself to cash the bonds or sell the jewelry

Joel left for me, so I left the box on his parents’ front porch when I
went to pick up the car. The cash from his grandmother stayed
behind as well. He’d need something when he got out, after all.

I shoved a few more pairs of socks into my backpack and

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106

struggled to close the zipper. Monroe stood in the doorway as I
finally got it to budge, then threw it on the floor with my other bag.

“God, how much stuff are you taking, Rory?”
“Too much. Since I have no idea how long this trip is going to

take, I figured I’d better hedge my bets. If it all goes to hell, well,
less stuff to wash when I get home with my tail between my legs.”

“Glad to hear you’re being so philosophical about the whole

thing.”

“I’m prepared for the worst, which is the most likely outcome.

Anything better than a disaster will be a bonus.”

“That’s the Rory spirit I love. Pessimistic until the end.”
“That’s me.”
“So, when are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow.”
Monroe sat on my bed, the creaking springs filling the silence.
“Well, do you think you could wait until I get home from

work? We could have one last dinner to celebrate.”

“Yeah, I guess I can do that.”
“You promise you’re not going to leave in the middle of the

day without saying goodbye, right?”

I smiled and plunked down next to him. “Promise. I’ll get a late

start just to make you happy.”

“Good.”
He nodded and stood, but paused at the door.
“I am going to miss you, man.”
I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.
“Don’t worry, Monroe. I won’t be gone long enough for you to

miss. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I wouldn’t count on that, man.”
“I wish I could have your confidence.”

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107

“What can I say, Rory? I’m a hopeless romantic.”
“Which makes me plain hopeless, I guess.”

* * *

After my farewell dinner with Monroe, where he actually

picked  up  the  tab,  I  hit  the  road.  The  adrenalin  that  was  coursing
through  my system  when I pulled out of our apartment’s  parking
lot quickly dissipated about two hours down the road. Between that
and  the  sugar  crash  I  was  experiencing  after  the  cheesecake  I’d
downed  for  dessert,  I  was  feeling  tired.  As  if  on  cue,  the  sign
appeared for the Broken Feather, still a few exits away. It seemed
as good a place as any to stop.

When I walked into the office, I was surprised to see Sid

behind the counter, given the late hour. He smiled when he saw
me, and when I got to the counter, I saw his leg was still propped
up with ice on his knee.

“Hey, Rory, it’s been a while.”
“Yeah. How’s the leg?”
“Still bugging me a bit, although that’s my own fault. The

doctors keep telling me to take it easy, but I don’t. The ice is my
nightly routine, now.”

“Sounds like you’re a bit stubborn, eh?”
“So my son tells me.”
I bristled at the mention of Stuart, but ignored the comment.
“I need a room for the night.”
He reached over and started typing, squinting as he went.
“It’s not like you to visit Joel during the week.”
“I’m not. I’m actually taking a trip.”
“Oh. Well, that’s great.”

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108

He tapped the keys, and I looked around. There was music

coming from the bar, which sounded pretty rowdy for a
Wednesday night.

“I don’t have room thirty-one, I’m afraid, but how does twenty-

four sound?”

“Fine with me. As long as it has a bed.”
“That it does. Here’s the key. Let me know if you need

anything, Rory.”

“Thanks.”
After I threw my backpack into my room, I headed to the bar

for a drink. As soon as I walked through the door, I heard a voice
calling my name.

“Rory Driskell, how the hell are you?”
It was Vanessa. She stood up and trotted over to me, her arms

around me before I could react.

“Hey, Ness, how are you?”
“Drunk, honey. That’s how I am.”
She pulled me over to her table and practically threw me into

the seat across from her.

“What are you doing here? I thought you and Joel were done. I

mean, that’s what I heard.”

“We are. I guess he filled you in.”
“Yeah, then Ray filled in the rest.”
I saw her face change, the exuberant smile from a moment ago

gone.

“I know what you’re going to say, Rory.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything.”
“What do you want? I’m weak. I gave giving up on Ray my

best shot. He always manages to suck me back in.”

“I’m in no position to judge. I let Joel do the same to me.”

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109

“At least you managed to get away.”
“Our circumstances were a bit different. Plus, it seems like,

despite all his faults, at least Ray’s honest with you. I can’t say the
same for Joel.”

“Maybe someday I’ll be able to walk away. But I just couldn’t.

Not yet.”

I put my hand on top of hers and gave her a smile. “I’m sure

everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”

She downed her shot and raised her eyebrows.
“So, what’re you doing here? ’Cause, I know you’re not

visiting.”

“I’m on my way out of town. Taking a little trip.”
“Where you headed?”
I paused, unsure of whether I should tell her.
“California.”
“San Francisco, I presume.”
I nodded, and all she did was laugh.
“See, I told you. You were so transparent.”
“Well, I’m not sure he’ll be so happy to see me. I didn’t exactly

leave things on a good note.”

“I’m sure you two can work it out.”
“God, you sound like my roommate, Monroe. I don’t know

why everyone else is so sure this won’t all blow up in my face.”

“Because, in spite of all my bad choices, I still believe in love.”
I looked at her, stunned by her insight. Especially considering

how drunk she was.

“Wow.”
“Yeah, I’m really deep like that, you know?” She cracked up

and finished the beer in her hand. “But, seriously, you’ll have to
tell me how it goes with Stuart.”

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110

“I will. I’ll fill you in on all the heartbreakingly awful details.”
“Oh, come on. You have to have some hope or you wouldn’t be

driving all the way out there.”

The waitress appeared and set a beer in front of each of us.
“I don’t know if I’d call it hope. More like wishful thinking.”
“Name it whatever you want, Rory. But, when you call me, I

fully expect to hear you say that the two of you will be living
happily ever after.”

“From your lips to God’s ears.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
We clinked out bottles together before I took a sip, saying a

silent prayer that Vanessa might be right.

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111

CHAPTER 12

As tired of my body was, I couldn’t fall asleep. My brain

wouldn’t shut down; the thoughts swirling around like a whirlpool.
Finally,  I  gave  up  and  flipped  on  the  TV.  It  was  then  I  realized  I
was  starving.  Lucky  for  me,  the  pamphlet  on  the  bedside  table
alerted me to the fact the pizza place in town had started late night
delivery.  After  I  ordered,  I  jumped  in  the  shower,  hoping  the  hot
water  would  make  my  budding  headache  go  away.  As  the  water
pounded down on me, I thought about what I’d say to Stuart if he
gave me the chance. I had a few more days to figure it out, at least.

In reality, I’d thought about it a lot over the last few months,

trying to come up with something to tell him that would make
sense. Unfortunately for me, even after hours of contemplating it, I
had nothing.

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I knew it wasn’t too late to scrap the whole thing. After all, I

was only a few hours from home. As I dried off, I wondered how
long Monroe would rag on me for being a pussy if I showed up in
the morning.

I had just put my shirt and shorts on when there was a knock at

the door. I pulled the door open, still fishing through the bills in
my wallet to pay the pizza guy.

“How much do I owe you?”
“How about we start with an explanation?”
I looked up and saw Stuart, dropping my wallet to the floor. He

was holding a pizza box, his face serious.

“What the— I mean, how…”
He stepped past me into the room and set the pizza on the table

by the TV.

“Let me help you get started, Rory.”
“Okay.”
“You want to know why I’m not in California?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m home for Christmas. And to tie up some loose ends I’d

been putting off, and to try and keep my dad off his feet for a little
while. I got in earlier today.”

“Oh.”
He smiled for a moment, but his face soon returned to all

business.

“Now, you probably want to know how I knew you were here.”
“How did you know?”
“How do you think? Dad called me and told me.”
“Right.”
The smell of the pizza was killing me, but my stomach was in

knots being near Stuart.

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113

“So, how did Joel’s hearing go?”
“Not great. Looks like he’s going to be staying right where he

is.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to give me the details.”
“Well, there’s not much to tell. Turns out he’s guilty. He lied to

me the whole time.”

“Wow. That sucks.”
“Yeah, not exactly the biggest surprise in the world. I guess I

should’ve known from the beginning, but I was blind.”

“Seems to be kind of a theme with you, Rory…not seeing

what’s right in front of you.”

“Yeah, that pretty much sums up my whole relationship with

Joel. Hopefully, I’ll do better with the next guy.”

He nodded as I talked, as if he were really thinking about what

I said.

“Dad said you were on some kind of trip. Where are you

headed?”

He sat and flipped open the pizza box, then pulled a slice from

the pie and folded it before taking a bite. He motioned me to sit,
and I did, my heart pounding out of my chest.

“Um, actually, I was on my way to California…to see you.”
“Really? That doesn’t sound like you.”
“I know. It’s not, really. Monroe kind of talked me into it.”
Stuart pulled a stray piece of cheese off the slice and placed it

in his mouth. “What would you have done if I’d slammed the door
in your face?”

I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to figure out if he was

kidding or not.

“Well, I was prepared for that to happen. Honestly, I figured

I’d turn around and head home.”

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Stuart smirked for a moment, before taking another bite. He

slid the box closer to me, but I couldn’t think of eating right then.

“You’d have given up that easily?”
I ignored his question and posed one to him. “Out of curiosity,

what would you have done if I’d showed up in San Francisco?”

He licked his fingers and looked up to the ceiling, rubbing his

hands together before he spoke.

“Let’s see…I’d have made you tell me why you bailed on me

that morning, why you left without saying goodbye…why you
never called or anything. Then, after you’d had the chance to
explain, I’d have thrown you out.”

He was smiling, but it didn’t really make me feel any better. I

decided to play along, taking his joke at face value. “Sounds fair.
More than I’d have expected, actually.”

“Since I’m here, why don’t you tell me now?”
Everything I’d planned to say, even the stupid stuff I’d

dismissed, went out the window, and I decided to tell him the truth.

“Well, the answer to all your questions is because I’m a

coward.”

“Okay. Not a great start, but let’s keep going. What were you

so scared of?”

To me, it should have been obvious where my fears came from,

but if he wanted more, I’d give it to him.

“When we started spending time together, you made it pretty

clear you wanted things to be casual. That we were helping each
other through a rough time. Nothing more.”

“Right. We both agreed.”
“Yes, we did. I just thought I’d start at the beginning.”
“Good idea, Rory. But I think we can safely fast forward to

where things got complicated. Even though we said they

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wouldn’t.”

“Well, for me, that was the beginning. It got complicated for

me after the kiss.”

“Oh. Well, then I’m sorry for interrupting. Please continue.”
I swallowed hard in preparation for what I was going to say

next. “The more time we spent together, the more I started falling
for you, and I didn’t know how to tell you. So I decided not to.”

“Solid plan.”
“I figured it was the easiest thing to do. I’d keep my feelings

under wraps, you’d head home and things would go back to
normal. Well, as normal as they could be, anyway.”

He merely stared at me, so I kept going.
“But then we slept together and I couldn’t hide the way I felt

anymore. I was going to tell you, after…”

“Then why didn’t you?”
“You remember the whole coward thing, right?”
“Right.”
“Anyway, that morning, you asked me to stay the rest of the

week. And I wanted to. You don’t even know how much. But it
wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more than you wanted to give me,
so I left. I thought a clean break would be best.”

He nodded, taking another bite of the pizza I had yet to touch.
“I have another question, Rory.”
“What?”
“Did you ever think of asking me how I felt?”
“Not really.”
“Why?”
“Because I already knew.”
“You thought you knew, you mean?”
“Yeah, I guess.”

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He threw the crust of his slice into the box and sat back, his

hands behind his head. “You really think I have no feelings for you
whatsoever?”

“No…I mean, I know you like me.”
“But things between us were mostly physical for me.”
“Well, yeah. And that’s fine, Stuart. Hell, it’s what we agreed

to.”

Our eyes locked for a moment, then he started laughing.
“Well, I guess that answers all my questions.”
He tapped his hands on the arms of the chair, and I waited for

him to do something. But, the tension got to be too much and it
forced me to stand up.

“I’m sorry about that morning, Stuart. I really am.”
He eased out of the chair and walked to me, stopping an inch

too close. He smelled so good, I could barely stand it.

“I was wrong. I have another question.”
“Okay.”
“If you really think I don’t have any feelings for you, then why

are you apologizing for walking out on me?”

The question threw me a bit, but I tried to recover quickly.

“Uh, force of habit, I guess.”

“Well, I guess that covers everything.” He smiled at me and

took a step back.

I tried to lighten the mood, as I had no idea where the

conversation would go next. “So, now would be when you’d have
slammed the door in my face?”

“Pretty much.”
“Good to know. It’s convenient you were in town. All you have

to do now is drive back to Sid’s. I suppose I should thank you for
saving me the cross country trip.”

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He chuckled at me before he said, “Oh, I think you’ll still want

to make the trip to San Francisco.”

“What?”
“I’m sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself.” He closed the

distance between us and wrapped me in his arms. “I have one more
question for you, Rory.”

His mouth dropped to my neck, making my first word come

with a moan.

“What’s that?”
After a few more kisses, he pulled back and smiled. “Well, I

was wondering if you weren’t too busy, if you’d like to come to
San Francisco with me.”

“Need that taste tester after all?”
He leaned his forehead against mine and laughed. “I wouldn’t

say no. But, actually, I was hoping you’d like to be a little more
than that.”

“What did you have in mind?”
“God, you really don’t see what’s right in front of you, do

you?”

“I guess not.”
“Fine. Rory Driskell, I’ll spell it out for you. I’m crazy about

you and I have been since that kiss in the parking lot. Come to
California because I’m tired of not having you in my life.”

I was silent for a while, my tongue temporarily paralyzed.
“Are you serious?”
“Absolutely. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“It’s kind of a big deal. I mean, we don’t know each other very

well.”

“So, is that a no?”
I shook my head, trying to get a handle on the situation. It was

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exactly what I wanted, but now all I could think about was the
potential for complete disaster.

“No, I mean, I’m not saying no to you. I want to make sure

you’ve thought this through.”

“Of course, I have.”
“It’s just if I come with you, you’re home, but I’m three

thousand miles away from my safety net.”

Stuart laughed, once again pulling me close. “Wow, you

haven’t even left the state and you’re already planning our demise.
Damn, you’re pessimistic.”

“I like to think of it as practical.”
“Well, if that’s the way you feel, maybe you need some time to

think about it.”

It seemed like sound logic and, under the circumstances, I

needed a moment to catch my breath. I’d thought if he asked me, I
wouldn’t hesitate to say yes. My conflicted brain was getting a bit
tiresome to deal with.

“Yeah, maybe I do.”
He took a step back and folded his arms across his chest.

“Okay, while you think, I’m going to take off my clothes.”

At first I thought he was joking, until I saw his T-shirt fly

across the room, landing softly near the door.

“That’s not fair, Stuart.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s distracting.”
“Sorry. I’ll stop in a second, as soon as I get these pesky pants

off.”

He was trying to contain his laughter as he tossed aside his

shoes, socks and jeans. I let my eyes wander over him, his thumbs
hooked in the waistband of his boxers. My breath caught as the

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cotton slid down his thighs. The sight of his naked body knocked
every other thought out of my head.

“How am I supposed to think now?”
“You’re not.” He grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him.
He kissed me and reached down for the hem of my shirt. Our

lips parted long enough to get rid of it. I hadn’t bothered tying the
drawstring of my shorts and he shucked them down my legs with
little effort.

“Wow, no underwear, Rory. That’s unexpected.”
“I didn’t bother when I got out of the shower. I wasn’t exactly

expecting company. Except the pizza guy.”

“I’ve met him. He’s not really your type.”
“How do you know that?”
“Call it a hunch.”
He kissed me, and it felt so good.
“Speaking of pizza, it’s getting cold, you know. Maybe we

should eat first,” I said.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?”
“Of course I am, Stuart. Cold pizza is the best kind.”
I shoved him down on the bed and enjoyed the look of shock

that spread across his face.

“Wow, Rory, you’re full of surprises tonight, aren’t you?”
I smiled as I crawled over him. “Shut up and kiss me.”
As our tongues twined together, I wrapped my hand around his

dick, feeling the swell of excitement in my palm. As I slid my hand
down, his tongue dove even deeper into my mouth, his groans
muffled. I started kissing my way down his chest, pausing to tease
one nipple, then the other. His encouraging hands eased me lower
and lower, until I let my tongue swipe over the head of his swollen
dick.

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He twitched and jerked as I swept my tongue over the ridge

under the head of his cock. I closed my mouth around him and slid
my  way  down.  I  could  feel  the  blood  racing  under  the  skin,  his
veins pulsing as I sucked him off. His hands were in my hair, still
wet  from  the  shower.  I  could  hear  his  moans  getting  louder,  the
sounds of his excitement making me crazy. If he’d let me, I could
have  gone  on  for  hours  sucking  his  cock,  but  he  had  other  plans.
Pulling  me  back  up,  our  mouths  were  quickly  back  together  as  I
slid onto the bed next to him.

“I want to fuck you, Rory. It’s been too long.”
“Give me a minute.”
I jumped off the bed and went to my backpack, searching for

protection.  Part  of  that  wishful  thinking  I’d  told  Vanessa  about.
When  I  found  what  I  was  looking  for,  I  straightened  up,  ready  to
climb  back  into  bed,  but  I  hesitated.  Stuart  stared  at  me
expectantly, his hand moving up and down his hard cock, waiting
for me. I don’t know where I found the voice.

“Stuart, I’m in love with you.”
He crooked his finger and beckoned me back between the

sheets. I obliged, but I was still waiting for him to respond to what
I’d said. Our lips met, and I feared I’d taken it a step too far. He
pushed me toward the wall, so my back was facing him. His mouth
lightly bit the flesh of my shoulder, and I felt his hand run down
my back. The sound of his breath in my ear was interrupted by his
words, coming out in a whisper.

“I love you, too, Rory.”
I groaned as he turned my head, kissing me hard. His big hand

wrapped around  my cock,  gently jerking  me until I  was  hard as a
rock.  His  other  hand  moved  down  to  my  ass,  gently  easing  my
cheeks apart. I felt the cool  wetness of  his finger pressing against

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my hole. I didn’t even remember giving him the lube. I tensed up
for an instant, but as he kissed my neck, I started to relax. His teeth
gently rasped over my earlobe, pulling and sucking it into his
mouth. At that moment, I let him inside, his finger gently pushing
into my ass.

One finger became two, and I eased back into his thrusts. I

looked  at  him  over  my  shoulder,  and  his  eyes  met  mine.  His  lips
curled into a smile before kissing me deeply. The head of his cock
replaced  his  thick  digits,  pushing  me  open  slowly.  I  moaned  into
his  mouth  as  he  eased  in,  the  tip  of  his  dick  filling  my  ass.  He
stopped,  his  mouth  releasing  mine  in  time  for  me  to  let  a  cry  of
pleasure come out.

“Fuck, Stuart, you feel so good.”
I pushed back against him, letting myself relax as he inched in

me a little farther. I felt his teeth on my back, and I gasped as the
pressure gave way and he slid all the way in.

In those few moments before he started moving again, I felt

him  pulse  and  grow  inside  me.  Not  wanting  to  wait  another
second, I moved away from him, feeling the pull of his thick cock
as he slipped out. He fucked me slow and hard, his hand stroking
me in time to his thrusts into my ass. I knew I wasn’t going to last
long,  despite  his  easy  pace.  The  feelings  were  so  intense  nothing
else could get through. His body pressed full into  my back, every
inch of him riding against me. His thumb rubbed over the head of
my  cock,  teasing  the  slit  before  he  wrapped  his  fist  around  me
again.  I  lost  all  control  and  felt  myself  start  to  tumble  over  the
edge.  He  fucked  me  faster  as  my  cum  shot  all  over  his  hand,  the
hot, sticky liquid rubbing all over me as he continued to stroke.

“Oh, God, Rory I’m gonna come.”
With a fierce series of thrusts, I felt him unload, his twitching

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cock squirming inside me as he bit into the tender skin of neck. We
lay there afterward in a sweaty, sticky mess. He slipped from
inside me, and I rolled to face him, our lips meeting in an instant.

“So, had enough time to think about my offer?”
I gave him a kiss on his forehead and smiled. “The sex didn’t

really leave much room for thinking.”

“Then go with your gut.”
“Okay. Then, when do we leave?”
Stuart started to laugh and rubbed his hands down my back. He

said, “I promised my dad I’d stick around for the holidays, so I
hope you weren’t in too much of a hurry to get to the nice
weather.”

“I can stand some snow if you can. But it’s going to cost you.”
“Oh, really? What?”
“How are you at making pumpkin pies?

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EPILOGUE

“Did you finish that paper, Rory?”
I laughed as I turned the page of my history book, unable to

ignore my desire to be snarky. “Yes, Dad, I did. And now I’m
doing my reading. I know the rules. No TV until I finish my
homework.”

“Very funny, smartass. I was only asking.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I am a grown man. Something

I’m reminded of every day in class with eighteen year olds.”

“Oh, come on…you’re not that much older.”
“Easy for you to say.”
I read a few more lines of text, but it wasn’t really getting into

my brain. It was hard to focus on something I found so boring. I
was actually happy when he interrupted me.

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“Are you still okay to fill in at the restaurant this weekend?

We’re going to be down a few waiters, and I could really use the
help.”

I looked up at him, standing over the sink, peeling a cucumber

for salad. He was so damn cute I couldn’t resist getting up and
putting my arms around him, my chest against his back.

“Yes. I already told you I’d do it.”
“I wanted to double check.”
“You’re lucky I love you, Stuart, or I’d find your propensity for

asking the same question more than once annoying.”

“And you’re lucky I love you, or I’d find your sarcasm

unbearable.”

I gave him a swat on the butt and stepped over next to him. “I

thought Jeff was in charge of personnel, not you. Aren’t you
supposed to be focusing on being the head chef, not the manager?”

“I like to multitask.”
He turned and kissed me, his lips tasting of the strawberries

he’d cut earlier.

“Is that what you call this, Stuart? Multitasking?”
“Something like that.”
He lifted me up and sat me down on the one clear space on the

counter, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His fingers
started unbuttoning my shirt, his mouth nuzzling my neck.

“I take it this means dinner is going to be delayed?”
“Is that going to be a problem?”
“Not at all.”

UUL

EIDI

HAMPA

Heidi  Champa  is  a  typical  last-born  child.  Snarky,  attention-
seeking  and  rebellious,  she  started  to  create  dirty  stories  to  keep
herself  out  of  real  trouble.  Having  tried  her  hand  at  a  million
terrible jobs, she bought herself a laptop and finally started typing
up those handwritten tales. After much deliberation, she started to
let other people read her work.

In  addition  to  her  flare  with  the  written  word,  she  knows  every
sentence  of  the  movie  Clue  by  heart  and  bakes  a  mean  Funny
Cake. When she is not writing, she can be found reading, hiking or
filling her iPod with more music. Her life has taken her all over the
world,  but  a  piece  of  her  heart  will  always  be  in  Australia.  She
lives  in  Pennsylvania  with  her  husband.  Her  greatest  wish  is  that
her sarcasm would translate better in the written form.

Find her online at heidichampa.blogspot.com.

* * *

Don’t miss Losing And Gaining

by Heidi Champa,

available at AmberAllure.com!

At three-hundred-sixty-seven pounds, Douglas Everett Smith spent
his school years being teased and verbally abused almost every

day.  He  was  spared  by  no  one,  except  for  Jesse  Billson,  a
classmate who treated him like a normal person. Douglas’s crush
on Jesse kept him going when things got really tough, even though
deep  down  he  knew  Jesse  would  never  see  him  as  anything  other
than a charity case.

After  spending  years  hating  himself  and  feeling  miserable,
Douglas  finally  took  action.  Two  years  of  hard  work  and  the
support  of  a  trainer  helped  him  drop  one-hundred-fifty  pounds.
And, his first name. Now, as the new and improved Everett Smith,
he’s  thrilled  when  Jesse  Billson  comes  back  into  his  life.  Even
more  amazing,  his  schoolboy  crush  doesn’t  even  recognize  him,
but he does start  flirting with him. Everett knows he should come
clean,  but  as  romantic  feelings  quickly  develop  between  the  men,
the  fear  of  losing  Jesse  makes  it  harder  for  Everett  to  admit  the
truth about his identity.

But  nothing  stays  hidden  forever.  And  when  the  old  days  collide
head-on  with  the  new,  Everett  wonders  whether  his  improved  life
will fall flat before it gets fully started? Or can he somehow make
his past disappear?

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