OutoftheShallows

IntotheDeep–2

SamanthaYoung

1

LantonAugust2013

Theheadyscentofflowersfilledtheroom.Thesedaysitclungtoeverything.EvenafterIwashedmy
handsadozentimes,theystillsmelledasifI’ddousedtheminfloralperfume.

“That’spretty.”

IturnedfromthearrangementofredrosesandwhiteliliestofindClaudiagesturingtoit.Iglanced
backattheflowers.“IthinkI’mgettingthehangofit.Finally.”

“Whoseitfor?”

“It’sHub’s.Forhiswife.Theirfifteenthanniversary.”

Claudianodded.“Heartofmushunderneaththatbear-likeexterior,huh?”

Igrinned.HubownedthelocaldinerinmysmallhometownofLanton,Indiana.Hewasahugeguy
withanevenhugerbeardandgruffdemeanor,andIcouldseewhynon-localsmightfindhimslightly
intimidating.ButClaudwasright.Hubwasallheart.“Heplacedthisorderoveramonthago.Thatis
notamanwhoforgetshisanniversary.”

My friend smiled and then gestured behind her into the store front of my mother ’s florist shop. “I
rearrangedtheshopwindowlikeyouasked.”

Delia’swastheonlyfloristintown,andalthoughLantonwasn’thuge,shekeptfairlybusy.She’dhad
a mold issue in the back room where I was working on floral arrangements, but after spending
moneymyparentsreallycouldn’taffordtospendtofixit,Delia’swasupandrunningagain.

IfonlyIcouldbeonehundredpercentpositivethatDelia,myactualmom,wasupandrunningtoo.

“Thanks.IfIdon’ttellyouenough,Ireallyappreciateyoubeinghere.”OnceClaudiahadfinishedat
theUniversityofEdinburgh,she’drushedbacktotheStates,suitcaseintow,andmovedinwithmy
parentsandme.She’dbeenherethewholesummer,helpingusoutduringoneoftheworsttimesof
myfamily’slife.

“Youcanstopsayingthatnow.Imighthavetohurtyouifyoudon’t.”

Ismirked.“Fine.”

Claudiafrownedassheglancedaroundus.“Uh…whereisDeliaMom,anyway?”

Momwasatthecemetery.Itwasbecomingaregularhangoutforher.Ifoundmyselfhunchingback
overthearrangementasImurmured,“Whereelse?”

“Ah.Okay.”Claudiasighed.“So,Lowecalledmethismorning.”

Ididn’tanswer.

“Hesayshe’striedcallingyou.”

ShruggingwithmorenonchalancethanIfelt,Isaid,“Iknow.Ijust…Ihaven’tspokentoJake,soI
don’tthinkit’srightifIspeaktoLowe.”

“Lowe’syourfriend.”

“No, Lowe is Jake’s friend. I’ve hurt Jake enough without confiding in his friend when I won’t
confideinhim.”

Ireachedformorefillerfoliage.Claudia’shandcurledaroundmine,stoppingme.“Thearrangement
isdone.”

Turningtoher,Isaid,“Igetthefeelingyouwanttotalk.”

“Charley,schoolstartsbackupinaweek.Areyouready?”

“No.ButI’mtryingtobe.”

“We’regoingbacktotheoldapartment,andit’ssenioryearsowe’llhavetonsonourplatestokeep
usbusy.You’llgettoseeAlexagain,too.Thiswillbegood.”

Ilookedaway,worryingmylipbetweenmyteeth.Afteramomentofsilence,Isaidsoftly,“Doyou
reallythinkthey’reokayformetogo?MomstillvisitsthecemeteryeverydayandDad…he’sstill
madatme.”

Claudia’seyeswerefilledwithsympathybutIcouldalsoseedeterminationinthem.“MaybeDeliais
stillvisitingthecemeterybutthatdoesn’tmeanshe’snotgood.She’smuchbetter,Charley.Shecan
copeonherownherenow.AndJim…helovesyou.He’llcomearoundwhenyoucomearound.”

“Don’t,”Iwarned,definitelynotwantingtowalkintothatterritory.

Sheheldherhandsupinsurrender.“Iwon’t.ButareyoueverplanningontalkingtoJakeagain?”

Igloweredather.“Whatisthis?Piss-Off-CharleyDay?”

“No,thisis‘It’stimetogetbacktonormalandstartfacinguptothedecisionsyou’vemadetheselast
fewmonthsDay.’SuchastheoneyoumaderegardingacertainJacobCaplin?”

A familiar pain sliced across my chest, but I refused to give into it. Instead I brushed past Claud to
grababroomandstartedonthebackroomfloor.“Thenno,Idon’tplanontalkingtoJakeagain.It’s
over.We’rejustgoingtoleaveitatthat.”

Claudia inhaled sharply. “You’re just going to leave him hanging, wondering where it all went
wrong?”Shesoundedhorrified.Guiltcrashedoverme.

Ishoveditforcefullyaside.“We’vehurteachothertoomuch.Howcanwepossiblycomebackfrom
that?”

“Youcouldtry.”

“Likeyou’retryingwithBeck?”

Herelegantbrowsdrewtogether.“That’sdifferent.”

“Claudia—”

“ButI’lldropit.Fornow.”

***

SomewherealongthewayIthinkpeoplegotthewrongimpressionaboutme.IthinkIgotthewrong
impressionaboutme.Idon’tknowifitwasthattimeIshovedmysisteroutofthewayofamoving
vehicle, taking the impact instead, and I got the nickname Supergirl. Or maybe it’s my general
cockiness.

Whateveritis,IthinkpeoplethinkI’mthisfearless,brave,independentyoungwomanwhocouldn’t
giveashitwhatotherpeoplethink.

Ireallycouldn’tgiveashitwhatotherpeoplethink.

ButIcarewhatmyparentsthinkofme.AndI’mafraidoflosingthem.

Sonotfearless.Sonotbrave.AndIguessnotnearlyasindependentasIusedtothinkIwas.

Whenyou’reakid,yourwholehappinessiswrappedupinyourparents.Ahugfromthem,akisson
the forehead, a piggyback ride, their laughter, their kind words, their affection, their love… it took
awayahurtknee,oraclassmate’sname-calling,orthedeathofabelovedpet.AslongasIknewmy
parentslovedme,thatImadethemproud,andthatIhadtheirrespect,I’dbeenallright.

Thatfeelingneverreallygoesaway,though.It’samazinghoweasyitisforaparenttomakeyoufeel
likealittlekidalloveragain.

That’showI’dbeenfeelingaroundmyfamilyformonthsnow…likeakidcravingmyparents’love
and respect. Lately, for the past few months, I felt like they were nothing but disappointed in me.
Especiallymydad.

Laterthatday,afterMomcamebackfromthecemeteryandhelpedClaudiaandIfinishouttheday,
wewenthometomakedinner.Mydad,amechanic,ownedautoshop.Hegotinfromworknottoo
muchlaterandsoonwewereseatedaroundthediningtable.

Afamiliarsilencefell.

Theclinkingofcutleryoffplates,glassesagainstcutlery,therustleofnapkins,thecrunchofbread,it
amplifiedthequiet.Wedidn’thaveawholelottosaytoeachotherthesedays.

IwassurprisedwhenDadasked,“Youthoughtanymoreontakingthatexamyouneedtopasstoget
intolawschool?”

IlookedoveratClaudia,hereyesroundedatDad’squestion.Ishockedherbyreplying,“I’mtaking
theLSATsthisfall,Dad.”

Claudia’seyesbuggedout.“Youare?”

ShehadtakentheLSATsinJuneandpassed,butshewasundertheimpressionthatIwasdonewith
pursuinglawschool.

Feelingmyparents’gazesburningintomycheeks,Inodded.“Iam.AslongasItakethemintimefor
Februaryresults,Icanapplytostartlawschoolnextfall.”

“I’mpleasedtohearit.I’msureClaudiawillhelpyoustudy,”Dadsaid.

Oureyesmetandforthefirsttimeinmonths,Dad’swerealmosttender.Hewasgenuinelypleased.
TohimIwasmakingtherightdecision.

I didn’t know if it was the right decision to apply for law school instead of applying to the police
academy like I wanted to. That was probably why I hadn’t mentioned anything to Claudia about my
decision—Ididn’twantsomeonetalkingmeoutofit.ThetruthwasI’dmadethedecisionbasedon
whatwasbestformyfamily.

“SoamI.”GlancingoveratMom,Isawtearsshininginhereyesasshesmiledatme.

Yeah,totallythebestdecisionformyfamily.

Itgavethempeaceofmind,andtheyneededthatmorethanIneededtobeacop.

Claudiabravelyqueried,“Areyousurethat’swhatyouwant,Charley?”

“Ofcourse.”Igaveheratightsmile.

Dinner was less awkward than usual after that. Mom and Dad actually engaged in conversation and
afterward,insteadofshooingmeoffwhenIattemptedtohelpcleanup,Momletme.

Ifollowedherintothekitchenandpiledtheplatesnearthetrash.AsIbeganscrapingofftheleftovers
Momsaid,“I’mproudofthisdecision,Charlotte.”

Iglancedoverather.“Yeah?”

Shesmiled,hereyesmisting.Theydidthatalotthesedays.Momhadneverbeenabigcrierbefore…
well, before… but she welled up at the slightest thing now. “I have to admit it’s been playing in the
backofmymindtheselastfewmonths—yougoingofftotheacademyaftergraduation.Goinginto
thepolice.It’snotlikeIhaven’talwaysknownyoucouldtakecareofyourself.Evenwhenyoupushed

AndieoutofthewayofFinnegan’sSUV,IworriedforabouthalfaseconduntilIsawyou.Yourleg
coveredinacast,bruisesallover,andyougrinnedatuswhenwewalkedintothathospitalroom.All
cocky.IfthathadbeenAndie,itwould’veshakenherupmore.Shewasamessafterithappened.She
followedyouaroundforweeks.Itdroveyounuts.”

Justlikethat,alumpformedinmyownthroatandIturnedaway,tryingtoswallowpastthecollection
ofmountingtears.“Iremember,”Iwhispered.

“Ididn’twantyoutobeacop.Butbeforethissummer,Ifeltguiltyforpressuringyouintonotgoing
forit.Ididn’twanttospendtherestofmylifewaitingforaphonecallinthenighttotellmethatmy
daughterhadbeenkilledjustdoingherjob.Butmorethanthat,Ididn’twantmykidtoresentmefor
holdingherback.Fornotsupportingher.

“But then Andie…” She pushed away from the counter and walked toward me. She stopped and
reachedouttotakemyhand.“Iknowit’sselfishtoaskyoutogiveuptheacademy.Iknowit.Idon’t
knowifyoureallywanttotaketheLSATsorifyou’rejustsayingittopleaseyourdadandme.IfI
wereastrongerwoman,I’dtellyoutogoforit.Goforyourdream.ButI’mnot.I’mhappyyou’re
notapplyingtotheacademy.I’msorry,butthat’sthetruth.Pleasedon’thateme.”

“Igetit.That’swhyI’mnotdoingit.”

“Doyoureallywanttobealawyer,though?Becauseyoudon’thavetobe.”

Igrinnedwryly.“Ican’tgiveDadwhathereallywants.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,I’vedisappointed
him—”

“Charley—”

“No,Mom,youknowit’strue.IwishIwerestrongertoo.ButI’mnot,sothisisallIcangiveright
now.He’salwayswantedmetobealawyer.I’mtakingtheLSATs.”

Mom’sgriponmyhandtightened.“Onedaywe’llbeusagain.”

God,IhopedsobecauserightnowIreallymissedmydadandIreallymissedAndie.

The tears spilled down my cheeks and I turned away, trying to focus on the dishes. Mom gave me
space.

Just as her footsteps disappeared out of the kitchen, my phone buzzed in my pocket. My stomach
flippedunpleasantlyatthenameonthescreen.

AnothermissedcallfromJake.

ThatwouldbeoneadaysinceI’dleftEdinburgh.

Likeclockworkthetextmessagecameafterit.

Youknowthedrill…

Despite the fact that I never answered his calls, Jake kept trying, hoping for the day I’d change my
mind.Sixweeksago,whenitbecameclearIwasn’tgoingtoanswerhiscallsortexts,he’dsentmea
messageaskingmetoatleastlethimknowIwasallright.SoIdid.Everydaysince,he’dwantedto
knowatleastthat.

Brushingtheremainingtearsfrommycheeks,Ireplied.

I’mokay.

Ineveraskedhimifhewasokay.Therewassomuchguiltweighingonme,Iwastakingthecoward’s
wayoutwithJake.I’dhurthim.Iknewthat.Ijustdidn’twanttohearhimsayit.

Shovingmyphonebackinmypocket,Ithoughthowironicitwasthatonlyafewshortmonthsago,
I’dmadehimworkhisassofftomakeupforthewayhebrokeupwithmewhenhewasseventeen.
OverfouryearslaterI’dhurthimjustasbadly.I’dpromisedmyselfI’dneverhurtanyonetheway
Jakehurtme.

Whatadifferenceafewmonthscanmake.

2

EdinburghFebruary2013

“…you against my fallow heart. There’ll be no sympathy from me, my friend. I lost you out in the
shallows…”

ForthepasttwentyminutesI’dbeensuccessfullyworkingonatutorialproject,mylaptopopenonthe
table,beerbesideit,whilemyfriendssataroundmelisteningtoindierockbandTheStolen.

WewereinMilk,abarontheCowgate,anareaofEdinburghwheremyfellowAmericansandIwere
livingwhiledoingayearabroadattheUniversityofEdinburgh.

Luckilyforme,Iwasthekindofgirlwhocoulddrownoutaliverockbandandanoisycrowdin
ordertocompleteclassworkIforgotwasduethenextday.Icould’vestayedbackatmyapartment,
butIhadunpleasantbusinesstotakecareoftherelatersoIwasavoidinghavingtospendanymore
timetherethannecessary.

Thishadn’tbeenaproblemuntilmyfriendLowe,leadvocalistofthebandbegansingingmyfavorite
song,“LonelyBoy.”SincethemomentI’dhearditmonthsagoduringtheirfirstsetinScotland,it’d
struckachord.AndeverytimeIheardit,itpulledmein.

Iturnedmyheadfrommylaptopscreentolookupatthesmallstage.Lowe,ahot,smartmusician
with tattoos, a lip ring, and messy dark hair, caught my movement and focused on me, his eyes
smilingoverthetopofhisrimlessglasses.

Igaveasmallsmilebackandpickedupmybeer,listeningtohissong.

Lowe told us that he was never more honest than he was when he wrote a song. In response, my
boyfriendJakehadjokedaboutmewritingasongforhim.ThejokefellflatbecausethetruthwasI
wasn’tbeingopenenoughwithhim.IwaskeepingapartofmyselffromJake.Tonightwassupposed
to be a step forward for us—a big step for me, but one I felt I had to take if we had any hope of
holdingontoarelationship.

I’dbeenfeelingnervousbutokayaboutit.UntilLoweandhisfreakingsong.

Asifhe’dguessedwheremymindhadwandered,Jakerestedhischinonmyshoulder.Hewrapped
hisarmsaroundmywaistanddrewmeagainsthischest.“Whereareyourightnow?”heasked,his
lipsticklingmyear.

Ishiveredandturnedmyheadslightlysohislipstouchedmycheek.“I’mrighthere.”

“Whydoesthissonggettoyou?”

Ijerked,staringintohisgorgeousfaceinsurprise.

Jakesmiledslightly,hisdarkeyeswarmandknowing.“Ipayattention.”

“You’reaknow-it-all.”

Hiswhiteteethflashed.“Onlywhenitcomestoyou.Whenasubjectreallyinterestsme,Igiveitmy
unwaveringfocus.”

“Areyousayingyou’reanexpertonme?”

HiseyesloweredandIfelthisgriploosen.“Hopefullyonedayyou’llletmebe.”

Not knowing how to answer, I looked back at the stage. For the last few days, since we’d started a
physical relationship, the uneasiness that existed beneath the surface had only increased. It wasn’t
borneofnotwantingoneanother.Farfromit.No,IwasholdingoutonanemotionallevelandJake
wastryingtobepatient,whichwasn’thisstrongsuit.

Allinall,ithadcreatedasenseoffragilitybetweenus.

Irelaxedagainsthishold,brushingmyfingersoverhisknuckles.

“Beck,showusyourpecs!”aprettybrunetteatthenexttableshoutedoverthemusic.Ismirkedatthe
scowlmygirlClaudiashotherway.

Beckwas Jake’s bestfriend. He wasalso now one ofClaudia’s best friends.As lead guitarist, Beck
stoodatthefrontofthestagewithLowe.Hewasabsurdlyattractive,tallandblond,withlethalgray
eyes and an even more lethal smile. Beck was everything you’d expect from a rock band, with his
sleevetattoosononearm,lazy-asssenseofstyle,andawaywithwomen.Heoozedsexandcharisma
morethananyoneI’devermetinmylife,butIknewtherewasmoretohimthanthewholebad-boy
thingheplayedup.IknewthisbecauseI’dseenhowdifferenthewasaroundClaudia.Hewantedtobe
devoted to her in a way he wouldn’t even admit to himself, which was probably why he was eye-
fuckingthebrunetteatthenexttable.

Catchingthelook,Claudiadownedherdrinkandturnedawayfromtheband.Rowena,ourScottish
friendwhowesuspectedwassleepingwiththebassist,Denver,brushedherbrightpurplehairoutof
hereyestoexchangeaworriedglancewithme.

ClaudiawaserraticaroundBeck.

I knew she was attracted to him, but I had my suspicion, as did every person in our group with the
possibleexceptionofBeck,thatClaudiawasinlove.However,oneminuteshepretendedtobefine
abouthismanwhorishways,andthenextshelookedlikeshewantedtofindacornertocryin.

Inudgedherarmandshelookedupatmewithsad,stunninggreeneyes.DidImentionshewasthe
mostbeautifulgirlI’devermetinreallifeandoneofthecoolest,funniest,kindestgirlstoboot?Did
ImentionBeckwasanidiot?

“Doyouwanttogo?”

Sheglancedbackatthestage,glowered(which,inallhonesty,Ipreferredtothesadpuppy-doglook),
andturnedtome.“Yeah,ifyou’reready.”

“You’releaving?”Jakeleanedintomeagain.

“It’seitherthatorIkillyourbestfriend.”

JakelookedoveratBeckandgaveaslightshakeofhishead.“Heneedstopullhisheadoutofhis
ass.”

“Yup.Beforethen,though,I’mgoingtoheadbacktotheapartmentwithClaud.”

“Wantmetocome?”

I heaved a shaky sigh. Time to admit what I was up to tonight. “I actually have a thing tonight. A
telling-Mom-and-Dad-about-me-and-youthing…”

Jake’seyebrowsrose.“DidIhearthatrightoverthemusic?”

Icuppedhisfaceinmyhands,feelingtheslightbristlepricklemyskin.Playfully,Irubbedmynose
againsthis,smirking.“Youmightwanttowatchwhatyousaynext.I’mfeelingalittlenervousright
now.Imightbackout.”

Inanswer,IfeltthesoftpressofJake’smouthagainstmine.Mylashesflutteredclosedandmylips
partedforhissoft,sweetkiss.Mymouthtingledashedrewback.

“I’malsotellingthemabouttheacademy.”

Forthat,Igotanotherkiss,butinsteadofdrawingbackafterward,Jakepulledmeintoahug.Imelted
againsthisstrongchest,myhandsrestingonthehardmusclesofhisback.Hesmelledgreat,andthe
strengthinhisarmsastheyheldmetohimmademefeelsafe.

In that moment all my worries disappeared. I felt the traitorous compulsion to open my mouth and
whisperthosethreelittlewords.

“Youreadytogo?”Claudia’sloudquestionstoppedmeinthenickoftime.

PullingreluctantlyoutofJake’shold,Isaid,“Wishmeluck.”

“Youdon’tneedit.”Hebrushedmycheekwithhisthumb.“Thanksfordoingthisforme.Itmeansa
lot.”

MythroatcloggedwithemotionsoIflashedacheekygrintocoverit.“I’mdoingitforus.”Istood
andshovedmylaptopandnotesintomybackpack.

Jake’shandcurledaroundmythighandIglanceddowntoseehimstaringupatme,unabletohidethe
uncertaintyinhiseyes.“You’llcallmeafterward?”

“Ifit’snottoolate.”Ibentdownandpressedaquickkisstohismouth.“Seeyoutomorrow.”

I said goodbye to Rowena as Claudia moved through the busy room toward the barroom. When I
turnedbacktowavegoodbyetotheguys,IgotachinnodfromLowebutnothingfromBeck.Hewas

toobusywatchingClaudialeave,alittlefurrowbetweenhisbrows.

Shehadn’tbotheredtosaygoodbyetohimandatthispoint,Ididn’tblameher.

Outsidethebar,Claudiawrappedherarmsaroundherself,herlongdarkhairblowingwildlybehind
her.ShehadaremoteexpressiononherfaceIdidn’tlike.Notonebit.Ignoringmyownnervesover
the conversation I was about to have with my parents, I strode forward and linked my arm through
hers.

Shesmiledabsentmindedlyatmeaswewalkedtowardtheapartment.

“So,”Isaid,“lastweekendyouandBeckseemedfine.Youseemedtohavecometotermswithhow
things are between you, and you were nervously excited about taking him with us to Barcelona to
meetyourfather.”

Claudia’sparentswerewealthy,self-indulgent,neglectfulsocialitesfromCoronado,California.They
hadnotimefortheirdaughter.OverChristmasbreak,Claudiafoundoutwhyherdadwasparticularly
indifferent. Turns out he wasn’t her real father. Her real father was a British artist called Dustin
Tweedie.Inanefforttomakesomekindofamends,Claud’smomhadtrackedhimdown.Helivedin
BarcelonaandClaud’smomwasgoingtopayforClaudiatoflyouttherethisspringtomeethim—
withJake,Beck,andmeintowformoralsupport.

Claudiatightenedhergrip.“Iwas.Butthatwaslastweekend.”

“Whathappenedbetweenthenandnow?”

“IwroteanemailtoDustintwodaysago.”Shewouldn’tlookatme,andangerburnedhotlyinmy
bloodatthesightofherthroatworkingagainstemotion.“Istillhaven’theardanythingback.”

Havingnoideawhatitfeltliketobetherecipientofnotone,nottwo,butthreeindifferentparents,I
reallydidn’tknowwhattosay.“It’sonlybeentwodays.”

Two of our neighbors called out to us and we waved back. As soon as they were gone, Claudia
shrugged. “Does it matter? I should just face it now. He won’t want me coming out there and
interruptinghislife.”Herlaughsoundedhollow.Ihatedit.Shewasn’tmeantforbitter.“Let’sfaceit,
Charley.I’mmissingwhateverthatthingisthatmakesmencare.”

Stunned,Istoppedoutsideourcourtyardgate.“That’snottrue.”

Shepulledaway.“Ican’tevenlookatyou.Youwouldneverletthemmakeyoufeellikethis.”

“Uh, hullo.” I waved my hand in front of her face. “Were you not here these past few months,
watchingmewallowinself-pityoveracertainhandsomeyoungmanwiththesurnameCaplin?”

Shesnortedbutstillwouldn’tmeetmyeyes.

“Claud,we’reallowedtohavebaddays,okay?Todayisabaddayforyou.That’sall.Thisshitwith
yourparentsisnotgoingtochangeyou.Pleasedon’tletit.”

“AndBeck?”

IcaredaboutBeck,Idid.AndIknowhecareddeeplyforClaudia,butrightnowitwasn’tenoughfor
herandIfeltlikewe’dhadthisconversationonetoomanytimes.“Ithinkmaybeyouhadtheright
idealastweek.”

“Cuttinghimoutalittle?”Sheshrugged.“HegotallbroodyaboutitandIcaved.”

“Well,thistime,don’tcave.”

Sheshotmeadrolllookaswewalkedtowardourbuilding.“Ohreally?It’sthateasy.”

“Okay,maybenot.Maybeyoujustneedadistraction.”

“Adistraction?”

“Yeah.” I thought of the one thing that had distracted me while Jake was dating Melissa. I grinned.
“YouneedLowe.”

“Um,Iliketheguyandall,butIamnotsleepingwithLowe.”

“I’mnottalkingaboutsex.”Igavehermymostseriouslook.“Believeitornot,Loweisanincredibly
insightful,compassionate,patientguy.He’sareallygoodfriendtohaveonyourside.”

“Jesus,doesJakeknowyou’rehalfinlovewithhisfriend?”

“I am not in love with Lowe. He was just there when I needed him. You should hang out with him.
Seriously.Oh,anddon’tsayshitlikethatinfrontofJake.”

ShegrinnedmischievouslyandtheuneasinessIfeltdissipated.ThiswasmorelikeClaudia.“DoesMr.
Caplinhaveajealousstreak?”

“Yes.It’salmostaswideasmine,”Igrumbled.

“Andyou’repositivemyhangingoutwithLowewon’tinciteyourjealousy?”

Iconsideredit,lettingherwalkintotheapartmentaheadofme.Itwasn’ttoolongagoI’dhadacrush
onLowe,butthat’sallitwasoreverwouldbe.WhatIfeltforJake…itburnedinmyverydepths.No
onehadevercomeclosetomakingmefeelwhatIfeltforhim.

Hewasmymissingpuzzlepiece.

“Nope,”Ifinallyconcluded.“He’ssexyassinandIlikehim,buthedoesn’tcomeclosetoJacob.”

“Aww,Jacob,”sheteased.

“Pleasedon’tstartcallinghimthat.”

“Oh,Ibelieveyoustartedit.”

“Great.He’llkillme.”

Claudia laughed, coming to a stop outside her door. Her laughter melted into a smile. “Thanks for
makingmefeelbetter.”

“You’remyfamily.Ihurtwhenyouhurt.”

Tearsshimmeredinhereyes.“Dude!”Sheshookherheadassheunlockedherdoor.“Thismascarais
notwaterproof!”

ThedoorslammedshutinmyfaceandIburstoutlaughing.“Goodnight,then!”Imovedslowlyto
unlockmyowndoor.

Once inside, I felt the butterflies come back to me with a vengeance. Fighting through the nerves, I
hurried to set up my laptop on my desk, plugging into the hardline Internet connection. My Skype
pageopenedandIsatonthenarrowbedinfrontofmydesktowait.

EightyearsagoIearnedthenickname“Supergirl”frommyentiretown.WhenthepeopleofLanton,
Indiana,heardthenameCharlotteRedford,that’sthefirstwordthatpoppedintotheirheads.However,
I’ve never felt as brave as people tell me I am. I certainly didn’t feel brave as I waited to face my
kryptonite—myparents.

There was nothing I hated more than disappointing Jim and Delia Redford. My parents had always
beenlovingandsupportive,andmysisterAndieandIalmostfeltlikeweowedittothemtobegood,
obliging kids. But my mom and dad hated the idea of me becoming a cop from the moment I
mentioned it to them. I think they might’ve been okay with it if they thought I had any intention of
settling for a deputy job in Lanton. There wasn’t a whole lot of crime in my hometown. But nope.
They knew I had every intention of hightailing it to the Chicago Police Academy in the hope that I
wouldonedayjointheillustriousranksoftheChicagoPD.Mysister ’sfiancé,Rick,happenedtobea
detective in the city. And I wanted to specialize—possibly work the homicide division—so I
understoodtheirreservations,theirdesireformetogotolawschoolinstead.

ItwasJakewhopushedmetorealizeIwassickofcompromisingforthem…

Fourdaysago

“Is it possible to die of sex exhaustion?” I panted, collapsing in a sprawl across Jake’s sweat-
dampenedchest.

Helazilystrokedmyspine.“I’mthinkingyes.”

“Thatwas…”Igroanedatthefeelofhiminsideme.

“Mind-blowing?”heofferedwithasuspiciousamountofsmugness.“Toldyouitwouldbe.”

Ibithisshouldergently.“Cocky.”

“Idareyoutoleaveteethmarks.”Jakecuppedmyass.“I’dloveexplainingittopeople.”

“What people?” I mumbled. “You’re inside the only person who should be seeing you shirtless,
mister.”

HechuckledandIburroweddeeperagainstthesoundinhisthroat.“TheguysandIdon’treallycare
aboutwalkingaroundtheapartmentshirtless.”

Despitemyexhaustion,Ifoundtheenergytojerkawayfromhim,myhandspressedtohischestasI
scowleddownathim.“Inotherwords,you’dlovetoexplainthosemarkstoLowe.”

Inuredtomyglower,Jaketuckedmylonghairbehindmyearbeforefollowingthewavystrandof
platinumdownovermybreast.“Itwouldmakeapoint.”

“Apointheiswellawareof.Thetraitordumpedmeinyourhandslastnight.”

Jakeofferedmeanunrepentantgrin.“That’strue.”

BeforeIcouldrespond,hetookmebysurprise,wrappinghisarmstightlyaroundmeashesatup.
Our lips almost brushed as he brought us chest to chest. Sensing I wasn’t going anywhere anytime
soon, I shifted off my knees and wrapped my legs around his waist. Jake’s eyes darkened with the
movement.

“Noway,”Isaid.“Youcan’tpossibly…”

“Not yet.” He crushed me against him, whispering the words across my mouth. “Anyway, we have
stufftotalkabout.”

IinstantlywantedtopullawaybutJakecuppedhishandaroundmynape,forcingmetolookathim.I
jerkedagainsthishold.

“Good,we’llstartwiththat,”hemuttereddarkly.“Whydoyoukeeppullingawayfromme?”

“ItoldyouIdon’tlikeitwhenyouholdmebytheneck.It’snotabigdeal.”Itwassoabigdeal.And
Jakeknewitwas.Hejustdidn’tknowwhy.

Thetruthwasheusedtoholdmelikethatwhenhewantedmyentirefocus.Itwaskindofintenseand
more than kind of sexual, and I thought it was something he just did with me. However, I’d once
witnessed him holding his ex-girlfriend Melissa in the same way, and as stupid as I knew it was, it
botheredme.Alot.

“Idon’tbelieveyou.”

“Nextquestion,”Isighed,tugginghishandoffmyneck.

Jakedidn’tlookhappybutherelented.“Whenareyouthinkingabouttellingyourparentsaboutus?”

“Well,” I wriggled on him with a cheeky grin, “I was thinking we should uncover the plot of some
evil mastermind and you can save the world first. There’s no way they won’t be happy for us after
that.Itwouldbepetty.”

Kneadingthemusclesinmylowerback,hesaid,“I’mtryingtobeseriousandIcan’tdothatwhen
you’resittingonmenaked,actingcute.”

“ThenIguessmyworkhereisdone.”Ikissedhimhard.Jake’sarmsturnedtosteelaroundmeashe
hauledmecloser,deepeningthekisswithagroanthatreverberatedthroughmeinsuchadelicious
way…

I wrapped my arms around him. Jake broke our kiss, grabbing my upper arms to push me gently
back.

Hescowledatme.“Playfair.”

Islumped.“WhyshouldI?You’renot.”

“How is trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend not playing fair?” He narrowed his eyes.
“HowdidIbecomethechickinthisscenario?”

Laughing, I ran my fingers through his hair, loving the way his lashes lowered over his eyes in
pleasureatmytouch.“Youdidthatallbyyourself.”

“I’m being serious.” He turned to kiss my wrist. “I’m not asking you to tell your parents. I’m just
askingyouifyou’replanningondoingitatsomepoint.Wecan’t,”heexhaledheavily,eyeslocking
withmine,“wecan’tmoveforwarduntilyoutellthem.”

“Iknow.Iwill.Just…it’shard.Givemetime.”

“Andwhileyou’reatit,tellthemaboutthepoliceacademy.”Hecrushedmecloseagain,hisbreath
hotonmylips.“Please.Thisisyourlife,Charley.Liveithowyouwantto.Fouryearsago,youwere
solidinyourdecision.Idon’tknowifitwasbecauseofme,ifImadeyoudoubtyourselfsomehow,
madeyoudoubtyourabilitytomaketherightchoices…”Hetiltedhisheadback,lookingatmewith
suchbeliefandlove,Iwantedtomeltalloverhim.“Stopcompromisingwhoyouare.They’lllove
you.They’llunderstand.”

Asthechat-requestbubblepoppeduponmylaptopscreen,IsuckedinadeepbreathandkeptJake’s
wordswithmeasIclickedtheanswerbutton.

3

WestLabayelle,August2013

AlthoughI’dbeenworriedaboutleavingMomandDadwhenourrelationship(myrelationshipwith
mydad,really)wasinlimbo,IcouldbreathealittleeasiernowthatClaudiaandIhadsettledintoour
old apartment in West Lafayette. The apartment was in a picturesque red-brick building with
whitewashed balconies. It looked over a green, and had a communal pool and gym. The apartment
itselfwasbig,contemporary,andweeachhadagood-sizedbedroomandbathroomtoourselves.It
costClaudia’sparentsasmallfortuneinrenteverymonth.However,theycouldafforditandClaudia
couldn’tgive a crapif she milkedthem for all theyhad, considering moneywas the only currency
theyofferedupintermsofaffection.

“Well,IthinkI’mfinallyunpacked,”Iannounced,walkingintotheopenplanlivingroomandkitchen
area.ClaudiawasplayingCarrieUnderwoodonherlaptopwhileshe—“Whyareyourearrangingthe
furniture?”

She stood from pushing the sofa, wiping sweat from her brow. “New year, new everything.” She
grinnedasifthatwasananswer.

“Watchyourback,okay?”Isaid,eyeingthebrownleathercouchdubiously.“It’snotexactlyapoodle
you’repushingaroundthere.”

“I’m fine. I’m done.” She strode into the kitchen and pulled two bottles of water from the fridge,
throwingonemyway.Icaughtitasshesaid,“Didyoucheckinwithyourparents?”

She knew too well I had. “They’re going to Chicago this weekend. That usually does them some
good.Ijustwishthingsweren’tstillsostrainedbetweenus.Iwashopingitwouldmiraculouslyreturn
tonormalbeforeIleftforschool.”

“Maybeifyou’dgowiththemtoChicagoonceandawhile…”

“Don’t,”Isnapped.

“Okay,shuttingup.”

Turningthetablesonher,Isaid,“Speakingofparents…haveyouspokentoanyofyours?”

Claudia’sexpressionsoured.“Mymom.She’sbeencallingmoresinceBarcelona.”

Surprisedbytheseemingshowofparentalconcern,Isaid,“That’sgood?”

Myfriendraisedanunimpressedeyebrow.“We’llsee.”

“Cautious as she goes. Smart.” I glanced around at the exceptionally clean and tidy living space,
knowing it wouldn’t stay that way for long once classes started. “So… are we meeting Alex and

Sharontonightorareyouplanningonsomethingelseforthe‘newyear,neweverything’attitudeyou
gotgoingon?”

Shemadeafaceatmysarcasm.“Belikethatifyouwant,butIactuallygottheideafromyou.You
saidyouwantedafreshstart.Well,you’reabsolutelyright.We’restartingoveralmostfromscratch.I
haveaplan—nowyouneedone.”

“Andwhatexactlyisyours?”

“Lifeisforliving,right?”Claudiagrinned,hergreeneyesglittering.“I’mfinallygoingtoaskWill
out.”

“ThehotTA?”WillMcPhersonwasaTAinoursecond-yearcriminologyclass.Claudiahadcrushed
onhim.“Doyouthinkhe’llstillbethere?”

Herfacefell.“Ididnotthinkofthat.”

Iturnedawaytohidemysmile.“Hecouldstillbehere.Don’tlosehope.Yourplantodistractyourself
fromthefactthatyou’reinlovewithBeckcouldstillworkout.”

“Don’t,orI’llwhipoutmyJakecard.”

Iflinchedathisname.“Fine.Yourplan:askoutWill.Myplan:passtheLSATs.”

“Unimaginative,butifit’swhatyouwant,Iwillhelpyouattainit.”

“Iappreciateit.Nowgetyourbuttintheshower.We’remeetingAlexandSharoninanhouratThe
Brewhouse.”

“Anhour?”Shetuggedonalockofsilky,blackhair.“Ittakesmeanhourjusttoblowmyhairout.”

“Thenyoubettergetamoveon,Pocahontas.”

***

TheBrewhousewasabarclosetocampusthatwasalittleslackontheIDthing.Alotofthecampus
barswerebutTheBrewhousehostedlivebandsontheweekend.Claudiacomplainedallthetimethat
there were never any country singers booked to play. I pointed out that the usual clientele weren’t
reallycountrypeople.

Assoonaswewalkedin,IsawAlexandSharon.MyeyesmetAlex’sandanoverwhelmingsenseof
homewashedoverme.WhenI’dhurriedbackfromScotlandmonthsagotobewithmyparents,Alex
wasthereforme.HereturnedtoLantonfromPurdue.Oncetheworstwasover,hestillcamehome
ontheweekendstoseeme.

However, he’d taken off this summer with Sharon and they’d gone traveling around Europe. I’d
missedhim.I’dmissedhissupportandhowhewithheldjudgment.

AllIreallywantedtodowasthrowmyselfintohisarmsandhughimtight.

However,asniceasSharonwas,shewasalittlecageyofmebeingaffectionatewithherboyfriend
consideringhewasmyex,andIunderstoodenoughtokeepmydistancewhenshewasaround.

Alex,however,wascluelessthatway.

Hegrinnedatme,gotupoutofhischair,andstrodeacrossthebarwithdetermination.NextthingI
knewIwascrushedinhisbearhug.

Ihugged him back,squeezing my eyesshut and taking inthe familiar smellof his sandalwood and
muskcologne.

“It’sgoodtoseeyou,Charley,”hesaidquietly.

“Youtoo.”

“Don’tIgetahug?”

Alexletmego,smilingatClaudiaovermyshoulder.“Always.”

They hugged as Sharon approached. She was a five-foot nothing, cute-as-a-button blond who had a
nicethingtosayabouteverybody.Bubblyandsweet,shewasmycompleteopposite.Shereachedout
tohugmeandIhuggedherback.“Howareyou?”sheaskedasshepulledaway.

“Gettingthere,”Iansweredhonestlyenough.“Howareyou?HowwasEurope?”

Herblueeyeslitup.“Soamazing!Wehavesomanygreatstoriestotellyouguys.”

Wesettleddownattheirtablewithdrinks,notingthatthestagewassetupforabandtonight.“Who’s
playing?”Iasked.

Alexshrugged.“Noclue.Moreinterestingly…didIheararumoryou’retakingtheLSATs?”

Glancing over at Claudia, I saw her looking away innocently. I sighed, turning back to Alex. “Yes,
youheardcorrectly.”

“I’mgladtohearit.”Hethrewmeaboyishgrin.

“Ithoughtyoumightbe.”Whenweweretogether,Alexhadferventlypushedmetowardlawschool.
Hehatedtheideaofmebecomingacopasmuchasmyparentshad.

“Testing,testing!”

Our attention was drawn to Duke, a thirty-something bartender who’d worked The Brewhouse for
years.Noonereallyknewanythingabouthim,afactheplayeduptodeliberately,oftenreferringto
himself as “mystery bartender guy,” which kind of took the cool out of the enigma. Duke stood on
stage,tappingthemic.Satisfied,hegesturedbehindhim.“Forthosenotintheknow,everyFridayand
Saturday night it’s live music night here at The Brewhouse. So if you’re looking for a quiet drink,

youmightwanttotryTheTurtledownthestreet.ButIpromiseyouthejukeboxselectionthereisas
slowastheservice.”Hegrinnedwaitingforlaughs.Theydidnotcome.“Anyhoo,tonightI’dliketo
welcometothestagesomelocalboys—neighbors,really,fromtheWindyCity.They’vebeenmaking
anameforthemselvestouringbarsacrosstheMidwestthissummer.Pleasegiveawarmwelcometo
TheStolen.”

Whatthe…

IstoppedbreathingasLowe,Beck,Matt,andDenvermadetheirwayonstage.

Whatthe…

Loweliftedhisguitaroverhisshoulderandsidleduptothemic.Helookedthesame,rimlessglasses,
lip ring, tattoos. Except not having seen him for five months made him more attractive. I’d missed
himandtheguys.Lowe’seyessweptthebarandassoonastheyhitourtable,hisshouldersseemedto
losesomeoftheirtension.

Oureyeslockedandhesmiled.“ThanksforhavingusatTheBrewhouse.It’snicetobehere.We’ve
gotsomefriendsintheaudience,sotonightisforthem.Charley,Claudia,TheStolenmissedyouthis
summer.”

Beck’seyeswereonClaudiaasthebandstartedandwhenIturnedtoquestionher,Ifoundherstaring
right back at him in total surprise. Okay, then, so she didn’t know we were going to be hijacked
tonight,either.

“TheseareyourfriendsyoumetinEdinburgh?”Alexsaid,confusionandcuriosityinhistone.

ClaudiatorehergazefromBeck’s.“Yeah.ItoldBeckmonthsandmonthsagothattheyshouldplay
here.Obviouslyhedidn’tforget.”

Sharon’sbrowwrinkled.“IthoughttheywenttoNorthwestern.”

“Theydo,”Ianswered,willingmyheartratetoslow.IfTheStolenwashere,then…

“It’sabitofatrekjustforonegig.”

“Uh…”Claudiagrippedmyarmhardandgesturedtowardthebarwithherhead.“That’sbecausethis
isn’taboutagig.”

Myheartwasfull-ongalloping,tryingtoburstoutofmychest.

Jake.

Ibracedmyselfagainstmychairashestrodethroughthecrowdtowardourtable.Hiseyeswereon
mebuthisfaceheldnoexpressionwhatsoever.

Honestly,Ifeltliketheworlddroppedfrombeneathme.

He stopped at the table, towering over me and all we could do was stare at each other. I drank in
everythingabouthim.Hishairwasalittlelonger,likewhenwewerekids,andheneededashave.His
skinseemedpalerthanusualandhelookedtired.

Iwantedtostandup,wrapmyarmsaroundhim,andfeelandsmellhimallaroundme.Everymuscle
inmybodyachedwithhowmuchImissedhimandIdidn’tknowifIshouldcryorcurseorscream.
UntilthatmomentIhadn’trealizedhowmuchItruly,deeplymissedhim.

Hewassomuchapartofme.

“Jake.”Alexstood,holdingouthishand.“Longtime,man.”

Givingnothingaway,JakeshookAlex’shand.“Alex.”

“Uh,”AlexlookeddownatSharon,“thisismygirl,Sharon.Sharon,thisisJake.”

Shestretchedoutherhandwithacongenialsmile.“Nicetomeetyou.”

“Youtoo,”herepliedquietly,shakingherhand.

“Jake.”Claudia’schairscrapedbackandsheroundedthetable.Shewalkedrightintohim,hugging
himtight.

Jakecrackedasheenvelopedher,hiseyessqueezingshutastheyhugged.

Iblinkedawaytears.

Hewassad.

I’dmadehimsad.

AndIshould’veknownthatIwouldn’tgetoffthateasy.

“Canwetakeawalk,Charley?”heaskedloudlyoverthemusic.

Looking back up at him, I saw Claudia had shuffled away to give us space. Jake’s expression was
unreadableagain.

Inoddedandgotup,leavingwithhimaftergivingAlexandClaudalookofreassurance.

We strolled outside into the warm evening air, the sound of The Stolen disappearing behind us. I
glancedbackatTheBrewhouse,partofmehatingtheguysfortakingagighereandtheotherpartof
mealittlemoreinlovewiththemfordoingthisforJake.He’dneededsupportandtheywereright
therewithhim.

God,itwasawondertheydidn’tallhatemeforwhatIwasdoingtohim.

Silence was thick between us as we walked down the sidewalk, passing other college kids enjoying
their last weekend of freedom before classes started. The tension between us was palpable and the

pull…

Jakewalkedbesidemebuthe’dgivenmeplentyofspace,asifhewasafraidtotouchme.Mybody
felt drawn to his, eager to pull him closer. I felt like I was physically fighting to keep the space
betweenus.

Fivemonths.

Whatguycomesbackafterfivemonths?

Ihatedmyself.

Jakeexhaledloudly.“First,howiseveryone?”

Notsurprisedheledwiththat,Isaid,“Better,thankyou.”

He rubbed a hand over his head. He did that whenever he was unsure or uncomfortable. “I should
explainsomething.WhenAndie…Ikeptmydistancenotonlybecauseyouasked,butbecauseitwas
therightthingtodo.Itwasn’taboutmeandIknowhavingmetherewould’veupsetyourparents.Not
to mention it might stir things up in Lanton, with my history with the town and I… you and your
parentsdidn’tneedthatontopofeverythingelse.Somenotturninguptopushtheissuesbetweenus
wasaboutthat—itwasn’taboutmegivingup.Andyouknewthat.Youknewyoucouldbreakupwith
meandnothavetodealwiththefalloutandthequestionsbecauseifIturnedup,Iwasaselfishdick.
Yet,ifIdidn’tturnup,Iwasthedickwhodidn’tcareenoughtofight,soforyouitwasawin-win.”He
shotmeasearinglook,hissoulfuleyesmakingmesobreathlesswithpain,Ihadtoturnaway.“For
me…I’vebeenwaitingfivemonths.Fivemonthsofhell,waitingforyoutoleaveLanton.Nowyou
haveandnowI’mhere.”

Ifeltsick.Itwasmyturntoexhale.Shakily.“Mybeingherehasn’treallychangedanything,Jake.”

Hehuffed,“See,maybethat’stheproblem.Idon’tknowwhatthesituationisnow.Idon’tknowwhy
you pushed me away. I don’t know why you broke up with me because you didn’t even give me a
reason…overthephone.Iwanttoknowwhy.Howdidwegofrombeingperfecttobeingnothing?”

Ididn’thaveanyanswersthatwouldn’tmakemesoundlikeacrazyperson.Instead,Ipulledonthe
attitude that had gotten me through our first breakup. “Can’t you just be angry with me, resent me,
hateme,andthenleaveitatthat?”

“Oh,I’mangry,”hesaid.“ButIalsoloveyou,sotheanswertothatquestionisno.”

Isuckedinmybreathandlookedaway,willingthetearstofuckoff.“I’mangryatmetoo.Okay?I
haven’tbeenabletofaceyoubecauseI’vebeendealingwithalotofotherstuff.You’rejustnotapart
ofthatequationanymore.”

“That’sstillnotananswer.AndIcanseehowupsetyouarerightnow,soI’mnotbelievingthewhole
unaffectedshityou’retryingtopull.”Suddenly,Ifelthishandwraparoundmywrist.Ijerkedaway
instinctively,knowingifIlethimtouchme,I’dbreakinaninstant.Catchingsightofthehurtinhis
eyesguttedme.“Youcouldstopactinglikethis.Youcouldjustbehonestandtellmewhatthehellis
goingthroughyourhead.”

“I’vechosenthem,”Isaidabruptly,wantingthisconversationtobeover.“That’swhatIsaidtoyou
when we broke up, and I meant it. When I pushed you away, that was me choosing my family over
you.That’sallthisis.”

The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Why does it have to be an either-or situation? We can work on
bringingthemaround.Thatwastheplanallalong.”

“It’snotanymore.”Imademyselfmeethiseyes,forcingalltheconvictionIcouldintomine.“Ihurt
them for you, Jake. I put you first and now I’ve damaged my relationship with them. Maybe
irreparably.Ihavetotrytofixthat,so…”Ishruggedunhappily,everypartofmybodyscreamingat
mymouthnotsayit.“YouandIareover.”

Heloweredhisgazefrommineasherubbedahandoverthescruffonhisjaw.Ifeltalittlepunchto
mygutasIrealizedhishandwastremblingslightly.

“Jake?”

A couple of kids pushed past us and Jake took that opportunity to turn his back on me, staring out
acrossthestreetwithhishandslockedtightbehindhishead.

Igavehimhisspacebutwaitingonhisreactionwasexcruciating.

Finallyheturnedbacktome.Theangerinhiseyeswasthereforalltoseebuthiswordswerecareful,
controlled.“IthoughtifIcamehereandyouhadtofaceme,thenyou’dseewhatacolossalmistake
thisis.Butthat’snotgoingtohappen,isit?”

“No…”Ishruggedhelplessly.“I’msorry.”

“Sothat’sit?”hesaid,andIfoundmyselfgrowingconfusedbytheangerandpaininhiseyesandthe
calmnessofhistone.“We’renolongerfightingforus?”

IwaiteduntilanapproachingcouplehadpassedoutofearshotbeforeIsaid,“We’vehurteachother.
Maybewecouldgetpastthat,butrightnowIhavetoworkonmyselfandmyrelationshipwithmy
parents. You and I are a lot, Jake. You know we are. We’re drama. I can’t deal with that. Plus, I’m
takingtheLSATsthisyearsoI’llbetoobusy—”

“You’rewhat?”hesaid,surprisewrittenalloverhisface.

IignoredthestabofdisappointmentIfelt.Iwasn’tinterestedinanalyzingwhetheritcamefromhim
orfromwithinmyself.“I’mnotgoingtobeacop.”

Jakestaredatmesilentlyforafewseconds.Therewasaconfusedandwaryaspectinhiseyesashe
gesturedtome.“Youreallyaren’tyourightnow,areyou?”

Frowning,Ilookedaway.“I’mme.I’mjustnotyesterday’sme.”

Forawhilewedidn’tsayanything.Mybodywaseagertogetawayfromhim.SomehowaroundJake,
IfeltstrippedbareinfrontofamirrorandIwasn’ttoofondofthereflectionstaringbackatme.

“Canwestillbefriends?Yourparentswereallrightwhenwewerefriends.”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “You want to stay in my life? After what I’ve put you through
theselastfivemonths?”

That little tick of muscle in his jaw and the glitter in his eyes gave away his anger, but the words
tumblingoutofhismouthbeliedit.“Youforgavemeonce.I’mforgivingyou.Iwantustobefriends.
Youdon’thavetoshutmeoutofyourlife,Charley.”

Iknewitwouldbeeasiertodojustthat.Lasttimeithadbeentoohardtobearoundhimandjustbe
friends.

YetnowthatIhadhiminfrontofmeagain,Icouldn’tfindthewordstodenyhim.Itwouldbeeasier
this time. He went to Northwestern, I went to Purdue. We were almost three hours apart. Our
friendship would fizzle out on its own without me having to be the one to sever the undeniable
connectionbetweenus.Timeanddistancewoulddothat.

“Okay,”Iagreed.

Wewalkedforalittlewhilebeforedecidingtomakeourwaybacktothebar.Iaskedabouthisfamily,
about school, about his summer touring with The Stolen. His one-word answers didn’t exactly
scream,“Let’sbefriends,”whichmademeevenmorebewilderedbyhisattitudeaboutourbreakup.

Hewasvisiblyupset,clearlypissedoff,andyethiswordswerestrangelycalmandaccepting.

Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingon.

Steppingintothebar,Isawthestagewasempty.Thebandhadfinishedtheirsetandthejukeboxwas
playingArcadeFire.

MyClaudiaradarfoundherpressedintothenearrightcornerofthebar.Beckhadhishandsonthe
wallateithersideofClaudia’shead,hisownheadbenttowardher.Bytheirbodylanguageandthe
look on Claudia’s face, I’d say they were arguing. Their reunion apparently was going as well as
Jake’sandminehad.

“Charley!”

Iwalkedtowardtheshoutofmyname,smilingatLoweashestoodupfromthetabletheguyswere
sharingwithAlexandSharon.IhuggedLowe,takenabackbyhowhappyhewastoseeme.Denver
and Matt equally so, their hugs just as long and tight. In all honesty, I’d been preparing myself for
theirdefection.Itwould’vemadesenseifthey’dtakenJake’ssideinthiswholething.

IdidnoticealookpassingbetweenLoweandJake,however,andLowegotalittlequietwithmeafter
that.MattandDenver,notsomuch.

“Youshould’veseenthetailIpickedupthissummer,Charley.”Mattsmirked,asheleanedbackinhis
chair.

Ismirkedrightback.“Tail?”

“Icould’vesaidworse.Thatwasmecensorizingmyself.”

Denversnorted.“Youneedtostopwiththeweed,Matt.Ittrulyiskillingyourbraincells.Andyour
vocabulary.”

Ilaughed.Itwaslikewe’dneverbeenapart.“Itakeitthemini-tourwentwell.”

Denver nodded. “It was great. We got permission to film in a lot of the bars and our live sets are
gettingalotofexposureonYouTube.We’rejustwaitingforalabeltoseeit.”

Ifrowned,turningtoLowe.“Noluckonthedemosyousentout?”

Loweshookhisheadandtookadrink,hiseyesonthetableandnotonme.

Isighed.

Great.

IopenedmymouthtospeaktoAlex,knowingI’dgeteyecontactoutofhim,whenClaudia’sshriek
filledthebar.“Asshole!”

Weallturnedaround,watchingassheshovedapissed-offBeckasideandstormedtowardtheexit.

IinstantlypushedmychairbackatthesametimeAlexheldoutClaudia’spurse.Igavehimagrim
thanksandglancedaroundattheguys,carefullyavoidingJake’sgaze.“I’vegottogo.Bye,guys.It
wasnicetoseeyou.”

It was wrong that I was glad Claudia and Beck had a fight that got me out of there. I knew it was
wrong.Butstill…Iwasgrateful.

4

EdinburghFebruary2013

“Youlookwiped,”Jakesaid,hisexpressionsympatheticashestoodtopressasoftkisstomylips.
“Didthetutorialgookay?”

I slipped into the seat opposite him as he sat back at the table. “I didn’t even have to say a word,” I
grumbled,stiflingayawn.“Idon’tknowwhyIbothered.”

Heshotmeamockfrownashegesturedtoanearbywaiter.“Why,toaccumulategreatknowledge,of
course.”

Igrinnedathisfauxuppityaccent.“Oh,isthatwhatI’mspendingallthismoneyon?”

“That,andalittlepieceofpaperthatprovesyou’vespentthousandsandthousandsofdollarsonan
educationGoodWillHuntinggotforadollarfiftyinlatechargesathispubliclibrary.”

Rollingmyeyes,Igavethewaitermycoffeeorderandturnedbacktomyboyfriend.“You’veseen
thatmoviewaytoomanytimes.”

JakelookedatmelikeIwasnuts.“There’snosuchthing.”

“Iguessnot.”Itwasaprettydamngoodmovie.“Howwasclass?”

“Uh-uh.”Jakeshookhishead.“Noneofthat.Howdidlastnightwithyourparentsgo?”

BeforeIcouldtellhimofthediscussionthathadleftmeboneweary,myphonerang.Withasigh,I
pulleditoutandwincedatthecallerID.“You’reabouttofindout,”Imumbled.“Mysister.I’llbea
sec.”

Jake nodded, eyes curious, and I stood, answering my phone. “Hey, Andie,” I said quietly, moving
throughthesmallcafétoanemptyspotinthecorner.

“Don’t you ‘Hey, Andie’ me,” my big sister snapped. “I just got off the phone with Mom and Dad.
WhenwereyougoingtotellmeyouwerebackwithJake?”

“Today.Iwasplanningontellingyoutoday.”

“Oh, now I feel better,” she replied. “It’s not like you haven’t been dating him for the past two
months!”

“Fiveweeks.”

“Yeah,thatmakesitbetter.”

“Andie,please—”

“No,listen.Ican’tletyoumakesuchahugemistake.Whatthehellareyouthinking?”

Mybloodheated.“Youcan’tletme?”

“Don’tgetsnotty.Charley,you’renotthinkingclearlyaroundthisguy.Don’tyourememberwhathe
didtoyou?Don’tyourememberhowheartbrokenyouwere?”

Tryingnottogetmadinapublicplace,Ibitmynailsintomypalm.“I’mnotasillychild,Andie.I’m
perfectlycapableofmakingrationaldecisions—”

“But—”

“No‘buts.’Hewasseventeenandhemadeamistake.I’mgivinghimasecondchance.Itwouldbenice
ifyou’dsupportmeonthis.”

“Support you?” Andie’s voice had quieted. “Supergirl, all I ever do is support you. However—and
note that was not a ‘but’—I can’t support this decision. I don’t think you’re in a position to think
rationallyaroundJake.”

Notatallhappywithherreaction,Ifeltqueasyaswellasangry.“Stopbeingcondescending.Youhave
noideawhatyou’retalkingabout.”

“Yourwholefamilydoesn’tagreewiththis,Charley.Doesn’tthattellyousomething?Momtoldme
howlastnight’sconversationwentdown.”

Yeah,thathadnotgone…well.

Lastnight

MomandDadstaredatmewithcompletelybemusedexpressions.

Ishifteduncomfortablyonmybed,watchingtheSkypescreen.

Finally,Isaidquietly,“Well?”

I’djusttoldthemaboutJakeandthepoliceacademyinonebigramblingspeech.

“Idon’teven…”Momshookherhead,dazed.“Idon’tevenknowwheretobegin.”

MydadstoodabruptlysoIlostsightofmostofhim.HedisappearedoffscreenandIstaredafterhim
indisappointment.

Momlookedinhisdirectionandfromthewaysheswallowed,Iknewmydadwasallkindsofmad.

“Mom?”Iwhispered.

Beforeshecouldsayanything,Dadwasbackonscreen,slammingdownonhischairandglowering
atme.AndJimRedfordgavegoodglower.“Areyoucrazy?”

“Jim,”Momadmonished.

“I’msorryIhadtotellyoulikethis,”Ihurriedtoexplain,“butIneedyoutoknowwhat’sgoingon
withme.Ineedyoutosupportme.”

“Supportyou?”Momnarrowedhereyes.“Supportyou?Allweeverdoissupportyouandupuntil
now,you’venevergivenusreasontodoubtyourdecisions.Butgetting—”

“Backtogetherwiththatboyisamistake,”Dadfinishedforher,hisvoicerisingintemper.“Andthe
police thing? I can’t believe that one hasn’t got to do with the other. A few months ago you were
settledaboutgoingtolawschool.Hecomesbackinthepictureandsuddenlyyouwanttobeadamn
homicidedetectivealloveragain.It’smorbid,Charley!”

Despitetheseverityofthesituation,Istrugglednottolaugh.Hedidn’tmeanittobefunny,butitkind
of was. Especially considering I hadn’t mentioned anything about becoming a homicide detective.
Clearly,ourdiscussionaboutitwhenIwassixteenhadneverleftmyfather.AndIknewitwaspurely
becauseheworriedaboutme.

“Dad,Jakehasnothingtodowithmydecisiontoapplytotheacademy.I’vealwayswantedtobeacop
—Ijustdidn’twanttodisappointyouandMom.”

“Thendon’t,”hegrumbled.

Isnorted.“Dad,I’vegottodowhatmakesmehappy.That’sallyouandMomhaveeversaidIshould
do.”

“Sincewhen,”Momsnapped,“doeshappinessandmortaldangergohandinhand?”

I released a beleaguered sigh. “Since when did becoming a police officer become such a big deal?
Rickisone.”

“Rick’snotmydaughter,”Dadgrowled.“I’vedoneeverythinginmypowertokeepmykidssafe,but
youseemintentonthwartingme.”

“Thwarting?”Iteased.

Momgavemealook.“Thisisnotthetimetobeasmart-ass.”

“Whenyouwerefive,Icaughtyoutryingtoturnacoyoteintoapet,”Dadremindedme.

“Hewaswounded,”Iargued.“Heneededmyhelp.”

“Hewasacoyote!”

“Jim.”Momrubbedhisshoulder.“Chill.”

Iraisedaneyebrow.“Chill?”

Theyglaredatme.

“Dad—”

“Whenyouwereten,youalmostdrownedinthecreektryingtosaveLacey—”

“Technically,Laceyalmostdrowned.”

“If Roger Pearson hadn’t been walking his dog nearby, the two of you would’ve gone under! And
let’snotforgetthetimeyoushovedyoursisteroutofthewayofamovingvehicle!”

“Oh,soyouwould’vepreferredthatIlethergethit!”Ishoutedback,wonderingwherethehellallof
thiswascomingfrom.

“Iwant—”Mydadtookadeepbreathandwhenhespokeagain,hisvoicehadlowered.“Iwantmykid
to be safe. Don’t get me wrong, Charlotte, I am so proud of who you are. But that doesn’t mean I
don’tworrymyselfsickoverwhatsituationyou’regoingtoputyourselfintobecauseyou’vegotitin
yourdamnheadyouhavetosavepeople.”

“Idon’thavethatinmyhead,”Ipromised.“ButIwasraisedbytwopeoplewhotaughtmethatyou
don’tstandidlybywhensomeoneneedshelp.”

Myparentswerequietforamoment.ThenMomsaid,“There’shelpingwhenasituationarises,and
thenthere’slookingforthatsituation.That’swhatbeingacopis.”

“No,Idisagree.It’sbeingtheretohelpwhenasituationarises.It’swhoIam.”

“And Jake?” Dad said, his words brittle. “Is he who you are? Because last time I checked, he was a
selfishcowardwhobrokemydaughter ’sheart.”

Mydefensesroseathisinsult.“Don’ttalkabouthimthatway,”Isaid,quietbutstern.“Iwon’tlistento
it.”

“Youneedtothink.”Dadleanedtowardthecamera,hishazeleyesalmostpleading.“Just…promise
meyou’lltakesometimeawayfromhimtoreallythink.”

“Idon’tneedto.”

“Charley—”

“Areyougoingtosupportmeornot?”

Myparentslookedateachother,somethinggrimpassingbetweenthem.Finally,mydadlookedatthe
camera.“Iwon’teverhavethatboyinthishouseagainandwearenotdonediscussinglawschool.”

I knew that look on my father ’s face. I knew it because it was the same look I got when I wouldn’t
budge.MychestachedandIfeltthestingingburnoftearsbehindmyeyes.

Forthefirsttimeinmylife,myparentshadreallyhurtme.

“Youalwaystoldmepeopledeserveasecondchance.”

“Charley—”

“IfIdon’thaveyoursupport,wehavenothinglefttotalkabout.”Isnappedthelaptopshut,trembling.

There had never been discord between my parents and me. The ugly burden of it rested on my
shouldersandIhopedthatitwasn’tpreparingforalongstaythere.

ItightenedmygriparoundmycellasAndiewaitedonmyreply.“Yeah,itdidn’tgogreat,butI’lltell
youwhatItoldthem.Ifyoudon’tsupportme,don’tbothercallingme.”

“You’reputtinghimbeforeyourfamily?”Andie’svoicewassoquietwithanger,Ibarelyheardher
question.Myskinprickledwithunease.“Aftereverythinghedid?AfterallthesupportMomandDad
havegivenyou.You’rejustspittingintheirfaceswiththis…and,althoughIgetthatyouwanttobea
cop,youcouldtaketheirfeelingsintoconsideration.Atleastyoushouldn’thavejustdroppedthose
twobombsonthematthesametime.”Shewassilentamoment.“Whendidyougetthisselfish?”

“Selfish?”Iwhisperedindisbeliefthatmysister,oneofmybestfriends,wastalkingtomethisway.
“Isthatwhatyouthink?”

“IthinkyesterdayIrespectedmylittlesister.IthinktodayIfeeldisillusioned.”

“Disillusioned?” I guffawed, feeling my blood heat. “I haven’t committed a crime here, Andie. I’m
justaskingyoutotrustme.”

“Idon’twiththis.”

My fingers clenched around the phone. “When did I get so selfish? When did you get so self-
righteous? Mom and Dad weren’t thrilled with the idea of Rick at first, remember? The guy is ten
yearsyoursenior.DidIsayanything?No.Isupportedyou.”

“That’scompletelydifferent.Rickneverbrokemyheartandleftmyfamilytopickupthepieces.”

“Youknow,you’retheonepersonIthoughtIcouldcountontobethereformethroughthis.Itisn’t
easy.I’mtryingtoworkthingsthroughwithJake,andI’mfinallytakingthereinsofmyfuturedespite
MomandDad’sconcernsaboutit,andIneedmybigsister.”

“No,youwantmetotellyouthatit’sallrighttosteamrollyourwaythroughlifewithouttakingother
people’sfeelingsintoconsideration.”

“Andie,it’smylife.Myheart.Mycareer.”

“And I’m telling you, if you don’t dump that loser, he’s going to break your heart and ruin your
future.”

“Fuckyou,”IbitoutbeforeIcouldstopmyself.

Therewassilenceontheotherendoftheline.AllIcouldhearwasthesoundofmybloodrushingin
myears.

Finally… “No, Charley, fuck you,” she whispered back, the hurt evident in her voice. “And don’t
bothercallingmeuntilhe’soutofyourlifeandyou’reyouagain.”

Shehungup.

Istaredatthewallinfrontofme,trembling.

I’djustburnedmyAndiebridge…forJake.

Butshewaswrong.Right?Myfamilywaswrong.

Theyjustwere.

Right?

Ijerkedinfrightastwostrongarmswrappedaroundmywaist,butIrelaxedasJakeheldmeagainst
hischest.Hislipsburnedonmycheek.“Youokay?”

No,Iwasn’tokay.Mysisterwasnolongertalkingtome.We’dhadthebiggestfightofourlivesandI
wished I had some guarantee that Jake was worth it. Was any guy worth losing Andie over? I was
afraidifIdugdeepenough,theanswerwouldputJakeandIinanevenmoreprecariousposition.Yet,
Andie’sattitude…she’dnevermademefeellikeabadpersonbeforeandIdidn’tthinkthatwasfair.I
hadn’tdoneanythingwrong.Exhausted,Isaid,“Idon’tknow.”

“They’llcomearound,”hepromised,hisvoicesoothing.“They’reRedfords.Theydon’tknowhow
tobeanythingbutcool.”

Islidmyarmsoverhis.“Ihopethat’strue.”Iturnedaround,dippingmyheadbacktolookintoJake’s
soulfuleyes.“I’mfightingbetweenbeinghurtthattheycan’ttrustmeaboutthisandreallygrateful
theycareenoughtobemadatme.”

Withoutmehavingtosayso,JakeknewIwasthinkingaboutClaudiaandherparents’neglect.“Yeah,
Igetit.Maybe,though,youshouldtellthemyou’rehurtratherthanblowingupatthem.”

Wrinklingmynose,Ilookedawaysheepishly.“Youcaughtthat?”

“Yup.Youdothatlastnighttoo?”

“Maybe…”

“It’sthatfireinyourblood,”hegrinnedwickedly.“Idoloveitbutsometimesitgetsyouintotrouble
—andnotthegoodkind.”Jakegrabbedmyhandandledmebacktowardourtable.

“There’sagoodkindoftrouble?”

Heliftedmybagandhelditouttome,asexyglintinhiseyes.“Whydon’twegobacktomyplace
andfindout?”

Andjustlikethat,Jakeliftedmeoutofthebleakness,ifonlyforamoment.Yeah,Ihadhighhopeshe
was worth it, all right. I giggled, sliding my arm around his waist as he wrapped his around my
shoulders.“Iwalkedintothatone.”

***

Thesightbeforeusbroughtmetoanabrupthalt.Jakestumbledintomyback,catchingmyelbowsto
steadyme.

IgrinnedatthesightofClaudiaandLowesittingattheguys’kitchentable.So.Myfriendhaddecided
totakemyadviceafterall.“Hey.”

Claudiacaughtmylookandmadeaface.“IwassupposedtobemeetingBeck,”sheexplained.“But
I’mguessinghetrippedandfellinsideanothergroupiebecauseheisn’there.”

Lowelaughed,adeep,sexysound.HiseyesglitteredinamusementandIfeltarushofanticipationat
thethoughtofsomethinghappeningbetweenthesetwo.SoClaudiawastoohunguponBecktonotice
Lowe. That could change once they started hanging out more. I’d just have to make sure they had
reasontospendtimetogether.Alone.

AsifJakereadmymind,hepulledmeagainsthimandmurmuredinmyear,“No.”

Spoilsport.

“Youseeminabettermood.”IraisedaneyebrowatClaud,ignoringJake’swarning.

Sheshookherhead,givingmealittlesmilethatsaidshewasn’tmadatmyattemptsatmatchmaking.
“IgotthatemailIwaswaitingon.”

“And?”Iheldmybreath.

Claudia’seyeslitup.“It’sallgood.I’lltellyouaboutitlater.”

Reliefmovedthroughme.Icouldn’tbehappierforClaudiathatherrealdadhadgottenbackintouch.
Iwascurioustoknowwhathe’dsaid,butIknewitwassomethingshewaskeepingprivate.

Andthenanideahitme.

“Youshouldgooutforadrink.Relaxaboutitnow.MaybeLowecouldtakeyou.”

Jake gently nudged me toward the door with a huff of exasperation. “Charley and I will be in my
room.Donotdisturb.”

“Toomuchinformation,”Lowemutteredintohiscoffee.

“That’syourdefinitionoftoomuchinformation?”IheardClaudiasayasIfollowedJakedownthe
hall.“Youhavealottolearn.”

“Wasthataninvitation?”hepurredback.

I shot Jake a triumphant look but he shook his head sternly and pulled me inside, locking the door
behindus.

Heturnedtome,completelyserious.“BeckwouldloseitifanythinghappenedbetweenClaudiaand
Lowe.”

“Butyouheardhim.”

“That’sjustLowe.He’dflirtwithahouseplant.WhathewouldnotdoistouchClaudia.Heknowshow
Beckfeelsabouther.”

“Youknow,I’mstartingnottocareaboutBeck’sfeelingswhenitcomestoClaud.He’smessingwith
her.Hedoesn’twanttodateherbuthegetspissedwhensomeotherguydoes.No.Thatdoesnotflyin
CharleyWorld,Jake.I’veadvisedClaudiatomoveon.”

Jakegentlypulledmeclose.“Andyou’reprobablyright.Butdon’tpitbestfriendagainstbestfriend.”

Feelingbad,Iplayedwithabuttononhisshirt.“I’msorry.That’snotcool,Iknow.”

“Anyway,Lowewouldn’ttouchClaud.”

“Whynot?”Iglowered.“She’ssmartandfunnyandprettierthanallhisgroupiesputtogether.”

I felt him shake with laughter. “Sheath the claws, sweetheart. I know your girl rocks but Lowe and
Beckaretight.Hewouldn’tdothattoBeck,nomatterhowmuchofadickBeck’sbeing.”

“Uh,hedidittoyouwithmewhenyouwerebeingadick.”

JaketensedandIknewitwasexactlythewrongthingtosay.Hereleasedmeandwanderedtowardhis
desk. Turning on his computer, he spoke without looking at me. “That was different. Lowe isn’t as
tightwithmeasheiswithBeck.Anditwasyou.”

Iwasalmostafraidtoask.“Whatwasme?”

Hegavemeasharplook.“Comeon,youmustknowLowereallylikesyou.You’renotjustsomegirl
tohim.”

“IfyouknowLowelikesme,whydoyourubusinhisface?”

“I’mnot.”

“Thecommentabouttheteethmarks.Thecommentjustnow.‘Donotdisturb.’”

“I’m just being me, I’m being us. I’m not going to stop being us. Plus, this way he’ll get over it
quicker.”

“YouweredefinitelyfarmoreconcernedaboutprotectingMelissa’sfeelings.”

“Thatwasdifferent.”Hisfacecloudedatthementionofhisex.“Lowewasn’tinarelationshipwith
you.Youdidn’ttelleachotheryoulovedoneanother.”

RealizingIwasdiggingmyselfdeeperintounstableterritory,ItriedtostumbleoutthewayIcamein.
“I’mjustsaying,Ithinkthere’sanimositybetweenyoutwoIdon’tunderstand.”

“Hetriedtofuckyou,”Jakesnapped.

Mycheeksflushed.“Ithinkyou’llfindthatitwasalittlemorecomplicatedthanthat.He’sagoodguy.
Hewasthereforme.AllIwantisthesameforClaudia.”

Jakegroanedandburiedhisheadinhands.“Baby,Ihearwhatyou’resayingbutpleasepicksomeone
else.Notformysake,notforLowe’ssake,butforBeck’s.”Heglancedoverhisshoulderatme.“He
doesn’tgettoholdhercaptivewhilehemessesaroundwithothergirls.Igetit.Ido.Adviseherto
moveon,cuthimout,whatever…justdon’t…He’sgothisissuesbutmeandTheStolenarehisonly
realfamily.Loweislikehisbrother.Don’tdoanythingtomessthatupforhim.”

I softened. “You sure are giving me a lot of credit if you’re truly worried I could make something
happenbetweenClaudiaandLowe.”

Suddenly looking very boyish, Jake said, “I believe you can do anything you put your mind to,
CharleyRedford.You’reaforcetobereckonedwith.”

Hiswordscaststillnessoverme,myeyesdrinkinginallthathewas.“Totallyworthit,”Imurmured.

“What?”

Igrinned.“Getonthebed.Youjustwonbonussex.”

His low chuckle tickled me in all my good-for-nothing places as my sweater fell to the ground.
Standing,Jakeunbuttonedhisshirt,hisfingersstallingononeatthesoundofaringingcomingfrom
hiscomputer.Hefrownedattheinterruptionandglanceddownatthescreen.

“Shit,it’smymom.”Hehurriedlyrebuttoned.

“You’regoingtoanswerit?”

“IforgotIsaidI’dtakehercalltonight.IfIdon’tanswer,she’llkeepcalling.”

“Crap!”Iyankedmysweateronjustintime.

“Mom,”Jakegreetedinnocentlyintothecamera.

“Jake,sweetheart,howareyou?”

“Fantastic.Charley’shere.”Hegesturedformetocometohim.

Even though Jake said his family was cool about us being back together, after the chat with mine,
butterfliesinvadedmybellyasIwalkedslowlytothescreen.Jake’smomhadn’tchangedaniotasince

Ilastsawheralmostfouryearsago.

“Hi,Mrs.Caplin.”

Her eyes lit up. “Charley, it’s so good to see you. I was so happy when Jake told me you two were
backtogether.”

Mybutterfliesslowlyabatedathersincerity.“Goodtoseeyoutoo.Howareyou?”

“I’m well, sweetheart, thank you. And you? You’re even prettier than I remember. Your hair is so
muchlighter.Ilikeit.HowareJimandDelia?Aretheywell?Howarethefloristandtheautoshop?”

“Mom,slowdown.”Jakelaughedashepulledmeontohislap.“Ijustgotherback.Don’tscareher
awaywiththeSpanishInquisition.”

“Iknow,I’msorry.”Shegrinnedunrepentantly.Itremindedmeofherson.“Ican’twaitforyouboth
togetbackhere.YouhavetocometoChicago,Charley.Staytheweekend.We’llhaveabigfamily
dinner.IknowLukasislookingforwardtoseeingyouagain.”

I relaxed deeper into Jake, the stress of my parents’ disapproval eased under the warmth of Jake’s
mother ’sacceptance.“Iwouldlovethat,Mrs.C.”

5

WestLabayelle,September2013

AfterClaudia’s“asshole”outburstatTheBrewhouseIchasedafterher.WhenIcaughtuptohershe
washurryingdownthestreetwiththeinvisiblesmokeofherfieryragepouringoutofher.

“Whathappened?”IaskedasIshovedherpurseather.

Shesnatcheditoffme,hernostrilsflaring.“Youfirst,”shesnapped.

SoItoldherwhathadgonedownbetweenJakeandme.Theresultantglowerofherdisapprovalwas
nothingnew.“Andwashecoolwiththat?”

I shrugged, not knowing what was going on with him. “I think so. It was weird. He wants to be
friends.”

“Yeah,becausethatworkedoutsogreatforyoulasttime.Hedidn’tputupmoreofafight?”

“Hewasangry…butno.”

“Thatdoesn’tmakesense.”

Facecarefullyblank,Isaid,“We’vebothhurteachother.Maybehegetsthatwedon’twork.”

Ireceivedagruntinresponse.

“Sothatassholething?WhatdidBecksay?”

Shestartedfumingagain.“It’slikehejustassumedIwasgoingtofallalloverhim.”

“Whatdidhesay?”

“Hesaid,andIquote,‘Thisignoringmeshit?I’mdonewithit.Youmadeyourpointbutlifeisshort,
babe,andIwanttospendwhattimeI’vegotwithyou.Imissedyoulikecrazythissummer.’”

IknewitwouldbewrongofmetosayIactuallythoughtthatwaskindofsweetsoIkeptmytrapshut
andlistenedtohertiradecontinue.

“AndIsaid‘untilyougetboredwithmeandendupnailingyourgroupiesagain.’Andhesaid,‘I’m
never going to get bored of you.’ Pfft!” she made a face. “So I said ‘Yeah, well, I’m bored of this
conversation.’ItoldhimIdidn’ttrusthim.ItoldhimIwantaguywholovesmeenoughtoputhis
ownbullshitaside.Isaidheblewit.”

“Whatdidhesay?”Iwasalmosttooafraidtoask.ThisconfrontationbetweenBeckandClaudiahad
beenalongtimecoming.Itdidn’tsurprisemethatithadendedthewayithad.

Claudia’sfacefell,andhervoiceloweredasshereplied,“Hesaidthathewassorryandhewanteda
secondchance…asecondchancetoprovehowhefeltaboutme.Asecondchancetomakemefeelas
specialasIam.”

“Thatallsounds…good?”

“Itoldhimitwasalljustbullshitwords,andIknowhowgoodheisatlyingtogetwhathewants.”

“And…?”

“Oh,hewaspissed.Hesaidhe’dalwaystriedtotreatmewithcareandthatIshouldtrusthim.IsaidI
didn’t.HesaidIwasbeingimpossible.Isaid,‘Screwyou,I’mmovingon,’towhichhereplied,‘If
you actually took a chance and screwed me, babe, the only moving on you’d be doing is with me.
Forever.’SoIcalledhimanassholeandgotoutofthere.”

Iwassilentamomentbeforepeekingatmyfriendoutofthecornerofmyeye.“Youwereequally
turnedonasyouwerepissed,though,right?”

“SoturnedonIcouldkillhim,”shesnapped.“Arrogantasshole.”

Wedidn’tsayanythingelseonthesubjectandtwoweekslaterwestillhadn’tdiscusseditfurther.We
hadn’ttalkedaboutanypartofthatnight.Ihadn’theardfromJakeandIwastryingnottothinkabout
that.Ithrewmyselfintomyworkandsometimesithelped.That’swhy,whileIlaidonmystomachin
ourlivingroom,surroundedbypapersandtextbooks,Inearlycameoutofmyskinwhenmyphone
ranganditwasJakecalling.

Icould’veignoreditbutwithoutreallythinkingaboutit,Iansweredandclosedmyeyesatthesound
ofhisdeep,richvoiceontheotherendoftheline.HeaskedmehowIwas.IsaidIwasfine.Studying
a lot. And also that the apartment smelled of homemade soup all the time because Claudia was
experimentinginthekitchen.

Itwasawkwardandstilted…andpainful…andIwasthankfulwhenClaudiagothomebecauseIhad
anexcusetogetoffthephone.

“I’vegotadatewiththeTA!”Claudiayelledasshesteppedintotheapartment.

IheardJakegroanontheotherendoftheline.

“Claudia’shome,”Isaiddryly.

“Whatshesaid…isthatthekindofthingIhavetotellBeck?”

“Idon’tknow.I’mnotprivytothebrocode.”

“Shit,”JakemutteredandItookthattomeanunderthebrocode,hewasobligatedtotellBeckwhat
he’dheard.

Claudiaappearedinthedoorwaygrinning,hereyeswideningatthesightofme.“Oops,sorry,you’re
onthephone.”

IsmiledatherandsaidtoJake,“That’smycuetogo,Iguess.”

“Wait. I’m, uh… I was actually calling to invite you to Lowe’s birthday party. It’s at the end of this
month. We’re in off-campus housing together but Beck has friends at Bobb. One of the halls on
campus.They’relettingusthrowthepartythere.ItwouldreallymeanalotifyouandClaudiawould
come.”

Seehimagain?Sosoon?“Uh…Idon’tknow…”

“Youshouldcome.It’llbe—wait.Lowewantstotalktoyou.”

Isatup,notknowingwhattomakeoftheinviteandifIwasperhapsreadingtoomuchintoittothink
thatthiswassomekindofplanofJake’stogetmeback.

“Charley,”Lowe’swarmvoicesoundedinmyear.“You’vegottocometomyparty.”

Morethanalittletakenabackhewasinvitingmeafterhisweirdnessinthebartwoweekendsago,I
said,“Areyousure?”

“Of course. This summer wasn’t the same without you and Claud. Don’t make my birthday suck
withoutyou.”

“LetmejustaskClaudia.”Icoveredmyphonewithmyhandandturnedtomyexpectantfriend.

“What’sgoingon?”

“LoweandJakeareinvitingustoLowe’sbirthdaypartyatNorthwesternattheendofthemonth.You
in?”

Shebitherlip.“Areyou?”

Ishrugged.

Andthen,Claudianodded.“Tellthemwe’llbethere.”

FeelingnervousatthemerethoughtofseeingJakeIsaid,“Yousure?”

“Positive.”

Iputthephonebacktomyear.“We’llbethere.”

“Great.I’lltextyouthedetails.Seeyouthen.”

“Bye.”

“Here’sJake.Bye,Charley.”Aftersomerustling,Jakewasbackonthephone.“Charley.”

“Hey.Ibettergo,butIguesswe’llseeyouinafewweeks.”

“Great.” And he did sound like he thought it was great. It felt like a fist was squeezing my heart.
“We’lltalklater.”

Yeah,becausethat’swhatfriendsdoandI’manidiot.“Later.”

OnceI’dhungup,ImadeafaceatClaudia.“Youthinkthatwaswise?”

“Youcould’vesaidno.”

“Well,youcouldstopmakingsoup,”Igrowled.

Claudiasnorted.“Waytofocusyourangerelsewhere.”Shewrinkledhernose.“Itdoeskindofsmell
inhere,though,huh.”Shethrewherbagdownandcollapsedonthecouch.“So,Jake’scallingyou?”

“Well,Iamtheidiotwhosaidwecouldbefriends.”Ishovedmypapersaside.“Ijustdidn’tthinkhe’d
actuallyenforcesaidfriendship.”

“Heseemstobedealingwithyourbreakupquitewell…”

Iglaredather.“Yeah?So?”

“Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?”

“Rightnow?I’mthinkingIwanttothrowyoursouponyou.”

Shelaughed.“I’mjustsaying…youseemkindofpissedthathe’sdoingokay.”

“Notpissed,”Ihuffed.“Confused.I’malittlehurtit’snotkillinghimlikeit’skillingme,okay.Ithink
he’sasupsetasIam,butthenheactslikehe’snot.”

“Abitlikewhatyou’redoing?”

Mymouthfellopen.

Claudiasmirked.

Ithrewacushionather.“IfIwantarationalconversation,I’llcallAlex.”

Chuckling,Claudiagotupoffthecouchandstartedforthekitchen.“Let’shavesoup.”

“Let’stalkabouttheTA,”Icalledafterher.

Shesmiledatmeoverhershoulder.“Ifoundhim.He’sagradstudentnow.Sohot.Hesaidyeswithin
aninstantofmeaskinghimout.Apparentlyhewantedtoaskmeoutsophomoreyear,buthedidn’t
thinkIwasinterested.Ihavegottogetlesssubtle,Charley.”

“Ohyeah,becauseyou’rearealshrinkingviolet.”

Twosecondslater,anovenglovesmackedmyhead.

“Subtle.”IthrewitbackinhergeneraldirectionasIopenedupmytextbook.

NorthwesternUniversity,twoweekslater…

BobbwaspartofBobb-McCullochHallsonthenorthcampusofNorthwestern.Itwasaplainbrick
buildingthatwouldn’thavebeenveryinvitingifnotforthestreamofstudentsflowinginandoutand
thefar-offbeatofmusiccomingfromsomewhereinside.

“Thismightnotbesuchagoodidea.”Istarednervouslyatthebuilding.

“Wecouldjustgobacktothehotel,”Claudiasuggestedasshestoodbymyside.

It was amazing how quickly the last few weeks had flown by. I spent my days studying, answering
random texts from Jake, talking on the phone to Mom and having one-worded conversations with
Dad,andholingmyselfupintheapartment.Alexwouldstopbysometimesandaskmetocomeout
for drinks, but I was steadfast on my path to reclusiveness. While I did all this, Claudia studied,
ignoredphonecallsfromherparentsandBeck,andwentonafewdateswithWilltheTA.Unusually
forClaudia,shedidn’ttalkaboutthedatesandIdidn’task.

I’d spent the interim weeks between the invitation and the actual party worrying about seeing Jake
againandIhadnodoubtbyhowquietClaudiawasonthesubjectthatshewasanxiousaboutfacing
Beck.Shehadmajorreservations,butIknewsheputthemasideformebecauseitwasmyfirsttime
backinChicagosince…well,sinceeverything.

I felt guilty being there for this party when I should’ve been there long ago for a different reason
altogether.

Ilookedatmyfriend,gratefulforhersupport.“Thehotel?”

The guys had invited us to stay at their apartment while we were in the city, but Claudia and I both
thoughtitwassafertogetahotelroom.

Shesmirkedatme.“What?We’vegottenprettygoodatrunningfromshit.”

“True.Butthiswecanfaceupto.”

Onceinsidewefollowedthepostersdirectingustowardtheparty.Notthatweneededtheposters.The
musicandkidswithplasticcupsintheirhandswerelikeflashingarrows.

Wewalkedthroughthecorridorsinsilence,themusicgrowingsteadilylouder.Wepassedacoupleof
opendormrooms,afewpeopleminglinginside,aswenearedthecentralpointoftheparty.

Gazing into the large common room, I saw a whole bunch of people I didn’t know, drinking and
chatting.

IfeltClaudia’shandcurlaroundmywristandtighten.“Youwereright,”shesaidjustloudenoughfor
metohearoverTheKillers.“Maybeweshouldn’thavecome.”

Shesoundedpained,hereyeslockedonsomethingtoourleft.Ifollowedhergaze.

IttookmeamomenttoregisterwhatIwasseeing.

AndwhenIfinallydid,IfeltlikeIwasbackatthatfirstpartyinEdinburgh,seeingJakeacrossthe
roomforthefirsttimeinfouryears.

Inthecorner,pastagroupofcollegegirls,wasJake.Hewassittingonatablethathadbeensetup
withplasticcupsofbeerandstandinginbetweenhislegswasatall,curvyredhead.Shehadonehand
on his shoulder, her other hand clutching a plastic cup, as she grinned down at him. He wasn’t
touching her, but their proximity and his body language more than made up for it. I knew he was
flirtinginthewayhisdarkeyesdanced,inthehalfsmilehegaveherastheytalked.

“Charley?”Claudiagrippedmywrist.“Wecango,babe.”

Itwasunfairofme,right?Tofeelbetrayed.Tofeelthebladeofjealousyscoreacrossmychest.To
feeltheburnofhislossinmygut.Ionlyhadmyselftoblame.Sixmonthsagohewasmine.

I’dgivenhimaway.

“Ohshit,”Claudiasaid,“itjustgotworse.”

I blinked, tugging my eyes from the car crash that was my relationship with Jake, only to find my
focuszeroinginonthebeautifulbrunettewalkingtowardme.

Melissa.

Yup.Itjustgotworse.

Iflinchedatthesympathyinhereyesasshecametoastopbeforeus.“Claudia,Charley.”Shegaveus
apinchedsmile.

“Hey,”Claudiaanswered,hertonewary.

I gave Melissa a nod, not sure I was able to speak past the burning lump in my throat. It took
everythingwithinmenottolookoverMelissa’sshoulderatJakeandtheredhead.

Melissa looked over her shoulder for me. When she looked back at me, her expression was
unreadable.“Jaketoldmeyouguysbrokeup.”

Another score across my chest. I only just stopped myself from touching it, to see if there was an
actualwound.

Jakewasfriendswithhisex?Hewasconfidinginher?Sincewhen?

Hereyessoftened,likeshe’dcaughtsomethinginmyexpressionthattuggedathercompassion.

Iquicklywipedmyfacecleanofemotion.

“Thisisjustwhathedoes,”shesaid,gesturingbehindher.“Whenhe’shurting.Specificallywhenhe’s
hurtingoveryou.”

Why was she telling me this? What did she expect me to say? That I was sorry Jake turned into an
assholeymanwhorewhenhisheartwasbroken?

SoIdidn’tsayanythingatall.

Melissashifteduncomfortably.“Justtrynottobetoopissedathim.Hereallylovedyou.”

Hereallylovedme?Loved.

Bysomestrengthofwill,Ididn’tletherknowthathearingthosewordswasliketakingabullet.

“Why do you care?” Claudia suddenly stepped toward her, her eyes glittering with suspicion. “He
dumpedyouforCharley,sowhywouldyougiveacrapabouthimorCharley?”

Melissashrugged.“Timeheals,Iguess.AndIdon’tcareaboutCharley.IcareaboutJake.”

The uncharitable thought that perhaps Melissa was hoping history was about to repeat itself raced
acrossmymind.MaybeshethoughtJakewouldwhorearoundforawhileandthenenduprunning
backtoher.

Apparentlythat occurred toClaudia. “He’ll nevercare about you theway he caresabout her, so do
yourselfafavorandgetoverit.”

Jake’sexlookedlikeshe’dbeenpunched.ShestaredatClaudiaincredulouslybeforelookingtome
for help. All I could do was stare back at her, stunned Claudia had enough bitch in her to say that.
Melissashookherheadandwanderedbackintothecrowd.

“YoudorealizeI’mtoblameforherheartbreak,”IsaidtoClaudia.

“Yeah?Well,thatrighttherewasn’therbeingnice,Charley.Thatwasherkickingyouwhenyouwere
down.Ohlook,Charleycatchesherex-boyfriendflirtingwithanothergirlandisobviouslyguttedby
it. Why don’t I stick another knife in her by telling her Jake is my friend again and I clearly have
planstogoafterhimoncehe’sdonesamplingtheredhead.”

Ismirkedsadlyather.“Idon’tevenneedtotapintomyrage.I’vegotyoutodothatforme.”

“Well,ye-uh,”Claudiasaid,stilllookingagitated.

“Claudia.”Igrabbedherhand.“I’vegotnorighttobemadathim.”Right?

Myfriend’seyesmistedover.“Itdoesn’tmeanitdoesn’thurtyou.”

IblinkedattherushoftearsheadingstraightformyowneyesandturnedaroundsoIhadmybackto
theroomandtoJake.“It’sself-inflicted.Doesn’tcount.”

Shesighedbutletitgo.

“Guys,youmadeit!”

Lookingovermyshoulder,IsawLowegrinningbroadlyashemadehiswayacrosstheroom.Iwas
immediatelyenfoldedinhishugandIfoundmyarmstighteningaroundhimwithoutevenmeaning
to.Tearsstungmynose.“Happybirthday.”

His own arms tightened and when he pulled back, he searched my face in concern. “Babe,” he
murmured.

Not wanting to make his birthday about Jake and me, I forced out a smile and stepped back to let
Claudiagreethim.

“Happy birthday, Lowe,” she chirped a little too cheerily as she hugged him. “Great party!” She
lookedacrosstheroomwhereabeerpongtablehadbeensetup.“Oh,IseeMatt.”SureenoughMatt
lounged against the wall, talking to some chick with his eyes glued to the table. Way to show your
interest,Matt.“Whydon’tyoutakeCharleytogetadrinkwhileIgosayhi.”

LowefrownedashewatchedherwalkawayandthenIsawhimstiffenwhenhecaughtsightofJake
acrosstheroom,stillflirtingwiththeredhead.LowelookedbackatmeandIdidmybesttokeepmy
faceblank.Igottheimpressionhewasn’tbuyingwhatIwasselling.“Let’sgetyouthatdrink.”

Igrabbedholdofthehandheheldout.Heledmeintooneofthequieterdormrooms.

“Beck’sfriendswiththreeoftheguysthatroomhere.Theyopenedtheirdormroomstousforthe
party.” He grinned over his shoulder at me as he led me toward a desk littered with beer. “How he
talkedthemintothat,Ihavenoidea.”

“Here.”Iheldoutasmallgift-wrappedbox.

Hiseyeslitupashetookit.“Youdidn’thavetogetmeanything.”

Ishrugged.“It’sjustalittlething.”

“Aweething,Rowwouldsay.”

I flinched at the mention of our Scottish friend Rowena. “I haven’t spoken to her at all since I left
Edinburgh.”Anotherthingtofeelguiltyabout.“Haveyouguys?”

Henoddedasheunwrappedthebox.“Sheactuallyjoinedusforacoupleofweeksthissummer.She’s
fine.Andshegetsthatyou’vegotalotgoingon.”

“Still,I’llemailherwhenIgetbacktoPurdue.”

Loweopenedtheboxandliftedoutthesmalliteminside.Heturneditoverandhiseyesflewtomine.

“Isawitandthoughtofyou.”Igesturedtotheguitarpickinhishand,myeyesonthewordswritten
acrossit:PlayItFuckingLoud.

“BobDylan,”heansweredquietly.“Youremembered.”

BackinEdinburgh,backwhenIwaswithJake,backwheneverythingwasgood,we’dallsataround
the kitchen one afternoon, talking about everything and nothing. We’d gotten onto the subject of
favorite quotes, and Lowe had talked about the reported incident when Bob Dylan was playing in
Manchester and someone in the crowd called him “Judas” for playing electric guitar. In response
Dylantoldhisbandto“playitfuckingloud.”Lowesaidhegotit—Dylan’sanger,yeah,butmostlyhis
convictioninhimselfandhismusic.

“Girlsremembershit.”Ishruggeditoff.

Lowesurprisedmebycuppingmycheekandleaningintome.Mybreathstutteredandwarningbells
chimed in my head. “You make it really difficult, you know that,” he said softly, his eyes on my
mouth.

“Lowe…”

Hisgazeflickedtomyeyes.“Thankyou.”

“You’rewelcome,”Iwhispered.

Hedroppedhishandandtookastepback.Forasecondortwohejuststaredatthepickbeforepulling
hiswalletoutandslidingthepicksafelyinside.Oncehetuckedthewalletaway,hehandedmeabeer.

“I’vegottoadmit,I’vebeenkindofpissedatyou.”

Ishouldn’thavebeensurprisedbythecomment,butstill,IwastakenabackbyhowmuchIdidn’tlike
thatLowehadbeenangrywithme.

“ThewayyoutreatedJake…”

“Itwasbad,Iknow.”Itookasipofmydrink.“Itoldhimsorry.Idon’tknowhowelsetoapologize.I
handledeverything…well,Ididn’thandleit.Iletitalljustcrumplearoundme.”

Lowesighed.“I’vegottoask…Iwasthere.WhenyouwalkedinandsawJakewiththatsophomore
justnow…Isawyourface,Charley.”

Myeyesflewtohim.“So?”

“Well,areyouokay?”

“I’mfine,”Ilied.“Obviouslybreakingupwastherightthingtodo.”

“Charley,Iknowyou’relying.”

“Ican’tbewithhim.Okay?Simpleasthat,”Ihissed,allthehurtpouringoutofme.“Itdoesn’tmean
I’mnotinpain.OrthatIdon’tcare.Soyeah…yousawmyfacewhenIsawmyex-boyfriendclearly
gettingreadytobeddownwithaleggyredhead.DidIlooklikeI’dbeenslapped?Becausethat’showI
feltjustthen.Now…notsomuch.See,Icanmoveon,knowinghoweasilyitisforhimtobeatypical
guyandstartfuckinghiswaythroughthesororityhouses,ifhehasn’talready.”

Lowelookedsuddenlypanicked.“Charley,that’snotwhat’shappeninghere.JusttalktoJake—”

“No,I’mdone.Idon’twanttotalkabouthimanymore.”Itookashudderingbreath,tryingtocalmmy
throbbingpulse.“Let’sjustgoenjoytheparty.”

Hedidn’tlooksosure.

“C’mon.” I started heading to the door with my beer. “You can introduce me to people I won’t
rememberinthemorning.”

6

EdinburghMarch2013

ItwasthefirstdayofMarchandspringwastechnicallyafewweeksaway.Could’vefooledme.

As I stepped out of Old College onto South Bridge, an icy wind blew through me. I shuddered,
hurryingtobuttonmycoatwhiletryingtojugglemybagandnotes.

That morning I’d woken up with the same concerns that I’d been waking up with for the past few
weeks.Iworriedaboutmyfamily.Ihadn’tspokentoAndiesincethatfatefulphonecallandoncemy
dadfoundoutaboutit,healsorefusedtotalktomeuntilIapologizedtomysister.SinceIwouldn’t
apologize, it was turning into a long and very silent stalemate that weighed on me more and more
eachday.TheonlyonetalkingtomewasMomandeventhenitwasstrained.

AftercatchingaglimpseofMelissainOldCollegeforthefirsttimeinweeks,Ifoundmyselffeeling
guiltyfornotworryingmoreabouther.Iwonderedifshewasdoingokaythesedays.

“Needahand?”

I glanced up at the familiar voice and straight into Beck’s striking light gray eyes. “What are you
doinghere?”

“Ijustfinishedclass.Iwasheadingbacktotheapartment.”HetookmybagandnoteswhileIfinished
fasteningmycoat.Asheslippedmynotesintomybag,hesmiled.“Walkwithme?”

WhenBeckwasn’twinningBroodingHerooftheYearandmessingwithmybestfriend’sheart,he
wasactuallythemostlaid-back,nonjudgmentalpersonIhadevermet.Hewassoothingandfunnyand
kind, and I loved hanging out with him. Unfortunately, I was actually heading in the opposite
direction.“I’mmeetingClaudiaattheLibraryBarforcoffee.”

His expression lightened at the mention of Claud. “I’ll come with. I haven’t seen her in a few days.
She’sbeenbusywithschool.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything. The truth was Claudia was taking my advice and trying to wean
herselfoffBeckinthehopesofgettingoverhim.

“YouandJakeseemgood?”Becklookeddownatme,hishandsshovedinthepocketsofhisjeans,the
fabricofhisT-shirtflappinginthewind.Heworealong-sleevedthermalunderit,butstill…

“Aren’tyoufreezing?”

“It wasn’t this cold yesterday.” He shrugged. “I’ve stopped guessing how to dress for the weather
here.”

“True.” It was a perpetual guessing game. One second it was chilly but the sun was out; the next
secondbroughttorrentialrainandwinds.

“SoyouandJake?”

IsodidnotwanttodiscussmyrelationshipwithJake’sbestfriend.“We’regood.”

He nudged me. “You’re not going to break his heart, are you?” His voice was teasing but I knew
better.

“AreyougoingtobreakClaudia’s?”

Amuscleinhisjawticked.“Fairenough.”

“Hey,here’saquestionthatwon’tgeteitherofuspunched:doyouknowhowMelissaisdoingthese
days?”

Beckraisedaneyebrow.“Melissa?”

“Melissa. You know, dark hair, legs forever, one hundred percent drop-dead gorgeous and one
hundredpercentnicerthanme.”

Hegrinned.“Shemaybenicer,butsheiswaylessfun.”

I smirked at him. “As much as I enjoy getting my ego stroked, I’m serious. Do you know if she’s
doingokay?”

“Melissa’sanicegirlbutwe’renotclose.Weneverwere.She’soneofthefewpeoplewhodoesn’t
understandthatunderneaththisroguishcharmisaheartof80percentgold.”

“Comeon,don’tundervalueyourself.It’satleast82percent.”

Laughing,Beckwrappedanarmaroundmyshoulders,pullingmeintohisside.“ThisiswhyIwas
rootingforyou.”

“Well, I appreciate that.” I hugged him back but frowned up into his gorgeous face. “So you really
wouldn’tknowifshe’sokay?”

Beckpulledouthisphone,fingersflyingoverthekeys.“ItextedMaggie.Sheshouldknow.They’re
friends.”

“Maggie,myroommateMaggie?”

Catchingmyhesitanttone,Beckgaveareassuringsmile.“Iwouldn’tgothere.Idohavesomecontrol
overwhoIsleepwith.”

“That’sgoodtoknow,Iguess,”Isaid,soundingalittledoubtful.ThelastthingIwantedwasClaudia
returningtotheapartmentonenighttofindBeckstumblingoutofMaggie’sroom.Ithinkthatmight
justbethestrawthatwouldbreakthecamel’sback.Abouttostickmynoseinandruinourpleasant
camaraderie,Beck’snextquestionhaltedme.

“So,whydoyouwanttoknowifMelissaisokay?”

Ishrugged,feelingthatfamiliargnawingguilt.“I’dthinkthatwasobvious.”

Asweclimbedthestepstothestudentunion,Beckfellsilent.Onceinside,heturnedtome,asmall
smileplayingonhislips.“Jakeisright.YouandClaudiaarenotlikeotherwomen.”

Iarchedaneyebrow.“I’mtakingthatasacomplimentsinceIhappentoknowforafactthatClaudia
andIarefreakingawesome.”

SomethingsadflashedinBeck’seyesashesmirkedbackatme.“I’mnottogoingtoarguewiththat.”

IwishIhadamagicpotiontoshovedownhisthroatandmakehimseethatwhateverwasstopping
himfromtakingachanceonClaudiadidn’tcomparetohowbadtheregretwouldbelater.Isighed
inwardlyandfollowedhistallbodyupstairstotheLibraryBar.

Ialmostslammedintohimwhenhedrewtoanabrupthaltjustinsidethedoorway.Ipeeredaround
him.“What’sup?”Ifollowedhisconfusedgazeacrosstheroom.

ClaudiawascoziedupinaboothwithLowe.Herlaptopwasopeninfrontofherbuttheyweresitting
turnedintooneanother,laughingaboutsomething.

ThemuscleundermyhandtensedandIglanceddowntoseeBeck’sfiststightening.

“They’rejustfriends,”Iassuredhim.

Sure,thewaytheyweresittingsuggestedotherwisebutIhadassurancesnotonlyfromLowethathe
wouldn’tgothere,butfromClaudiaalso.Onlyyesterdayshetoldmehowmuchfunitwastohang
outwithaguyandnothavetoworryaboutanysexualtension.

The chemistry wasn’t there for them, which was a little disappointing, but the whole point was for
ClaudtohavesomeonewhowoulddistractherfromBeck,andLowewasdoingthejob.

“Ididn’tsayaword.”Beckglowereddownatme.

Andjustlikethat,IhadBroodyHerooftheYearonmyhands.“Youneedtoworkonyourpokerface.
Itsucks.”Istrodeawaybeforehecouldreply.

“Heythere,hotstuff,”IsaidasIslidintothebooth.

Lowegrinned.“Hey,yourself.”

“Oh,asprettyasyouare,babe,IwastalkingtoClaudia.”

ClaudiasmiledandopenedhermouthtoreplyonlytofreezeatthesightofBeckwithme.“Oh.Hey.”

Henoddedasheslidinbesideme.

“Hey,man,”Lowesaid,somethingakintoexcitementinhiseyes.“GuesswhatClaud’sdoingforus?”

“Ihavenoidea,”herepliedinatonethatsuggestedhecouldn’tgiveashit.

Ikickedhimintheshin,elicitingagrunt.

Claudianarrowedhereyes.“Whospitinyourbeancurd?”

“Whatthehelldoesthatevenmean?”

Itriednottosmile,deliberatelyavoidingLowe’seyesbecauseIknewhe’dmakemelaugh.

“Itmeans,”Claudiagavealong-sufferingsigh,“what’syourproblem?”

“Idon’thaveaproblem.Ijustsatdown.”Beckpulledhisbuzzingphonefromhispocket,glaringat
Claudia.Helookedatthescreen.“AccordingtoMaggie,Melissaisdoingokay.She’sevengotadate
thisweekend.”

Alittleweightliftedoffmyshoulders.“That’sgoodtohear.”

Claudiacaughtmyeye.“Feelbetter?”

“Much,”Iadmitted.“YouknowIhateguilt.”

Relaxing,Ihadadrinkwithmyfriends,listeningtoBeckandClaudiasnipeateachother.Theywere
onthecuspofgivingmebackthetensionI’djustgottenridof,soIdecideditwastimetoleave.

“Ineedtogotoo.”Loweslidoutoftheboothatmyannouncement.“Ihavestufftodo.Claudia,ifyou
andBeckcanstopgripingforfiveseconds,whydon’tyoushowhimtheplansforthissummer?”

Claudia’sgreeneyesfilledwithsomethinglikepanic.

“Goahead,”Becksaid,clearlynotinthemoodtoleavehercompany.“Doyouwantanothercoffee?”

Insteadofanswering,myfriendlookedtomeforhelp.

Ineededtogetheroutofthissomehow.IlookedatBeck,butanyexcusethatmight’vebeenmaking
itswayfrombraintotonguemelteduponseeingthepuppy-doglookonhisface.

Crap.Nowondershehassuchahardtimeresistinghim.

IlookedbackatClaudiaandshrugged.“I’llcatchyouguyslater.”

Seriously.Wherewasmywillpower?IfIcouldn’thardenmyheartenoughagainstBecktokeepthem
apart,howthehellwasshesupposedto?

***

Lowe and I hit the top of the steps off Chamber Street that led to my apartment. We were about to
descendthemwhenIstartedatthesightofJakecomingupthem.

Hisheaddown,handsjammedintohisjacketpockets,hewaslisteningtowhateverbandwassinging
throughhisearphones.Arushoflongingrippedthroughme.Myheartsoakedinwhatlittleitcould
seeofhisfamiliarface;myeyesdrankinhisbroadshouldersandlonglegs.

Imissedhim.

Even when I was with him I missed him. What we had wasn’t what we’d had before. At this point I
onlyhadmyselftoblameforthat.

LowechuckledbesidemeaswewaitedforJaketoreachus.“Ineverhadachance,didI?”hejoked.

Imadeaface.“I’mthatobvious?”

“Onlywhenhe’snotlooking,”hesaid,seeingwaymorethanheshould.

Perceptivepaininmyass.

Jakelookedup,falteringonastep.Atfirsthedidn’tseemsurehowtoreacttothesightofmewith
Lowe, but he quickly shrugged it off, bestowing a gorgeous smile on me. He pulled his earphones
out.“Hey,you,”hesaid,comingtoastopatthetopofthestairs.Heleaneddowntokissme,hislips
soft.Hesmelledgreat.

“Hey,”Iwhisperedback,unabletospeakanylouderovertheforceofmyemotions.Itstillsurprised
methatmyfeelingsforhimhadtheabilitytobowlmeoverwithoutwarning.

“Hey,man.”JakenoddedcongeniallyatLowe.Iwasrelieved.

Loweseemedtobetoo.HegaveJakeasmallsmileandnod.“Well,Ibettergetbacktotheapartment.
Ihaveanessaydueintwodaysandwehaveagigtonight.”

“Goodluck.”Iwavedgoodbyeandwatchedhimtakethestepstwoatatime.

“Iwascomingtogetyou.”Jaketightenedhisarmaroundmywaist,andIfoundmyselfswiftlyfalling
intohiseyes.“IcalledBeckandhementionedyouwereworriedaboutMelissa?”

Ishookmyhead.“It’sfine.Justguilt.Butapparentlyshe’sdoingokay.”

Hisdarkeyeslookedtroubled.“I’mgladshe’sokay.Butyouhavenothingtofeelguiltyabout.”

IcouldseehisownguiltinhiseyesandinstantlyfeltbadforbringingMelissaup.“Ja—”

My ringtone blasted, cutting me off. Giving Jake a look of apology, I dropped his hand and dug
throughmybag.

MypulsespedupatthesightofthecallerID.Mydad.

Relieved more than I could say but still angry and hurt that he hadn’t called in ages, I hesitantly
answered.

“Whereareyou?”heaskedabruptly.

Disappointedbyhistone,Ihuffed,“LasttimeIchecked,IwasinScotland.”

“Smart-ass,”Dadgrumbled,theedgechippedoffhistone.“WhatImeantiswhereexactlyareyou,
rightnow?BecauseI’mstandinginyourapartmentafteryourroommatestupidlyletmeinwithout
checkingmyidentificationfirst.Doesthathappenalot?BecausemaybewhileI’mhere,Ishouldhold
astrangerawarenessmeetingwithyougirls.”

Ididn’thearanythingafter“I’mstandinginyourapartment…”

“I’llberightthere.”Ihungup,eyeswideonJake’scuriousexpression.“Mydadishere.”

Jake’seyebrowssquishedtogether.“Here,here?”

“Yup.”Iturnedandstarteddownthesteps.

“Hey,I’mcomingtoo.”Jakehurriedtocatchme.

Marchingintothecourtyardofmybuilding,Ithrewovermyshoulder,“Doyouthinkthat’swise?”

“Ithinkhe’shereforareasonandIthinkweneedtoreassurehim.”Hishandcurledaroundmyarm.
“Wouldyouslowdown—asin,calmdown?”

Mybreathingwaswaytoofast.“Ican’t.”Ipushedmybuildingdooropenandrushedthestairs.“My
dad has flown all the way across the ocean to come talk to me. That’s not a good sign, Jake. My
parents don’t exactly have the kind of money where plane tickets aren’t a luxury.” I stopped in the
middleofthefirstfloorandJakeimmediatelywrappedhisarmsaroundme.

“It’sgoingtobeokay,”hepromised.“I’mhere.I’mnotgoinganywhere.”

“Idon’twantyoutogetpunched.”

“IfIgetpunched,Igetpunched.It’snolessthanwhatIdeserve.”

“Icouldn’thavesaiditbettermyself.”

Igaspedatthesoundofmydad’svoice,wrenchingbackfromJaketogazeupontothenextlanding.
Mydadstoodaboveus,huge,intimidating,andnotatallhappytoseemeinJake’sarms.

“Beforeanyonesaysanotherword,”Jakesaid,“let’sgetinside.”

Mydadthrewhimadisgustedlookbutturnedandheadedbackupstairstowardtheapartment.

TherewasagreatdealofpoundinggoingoninmychestasJakeandIfollowed.

Dadstoodinthemiddleofthekitchen.Hisdarkhair,speckledwithgray,wasmussed,andhehadday-
oldbristleonhischeeks.Helookedexhausted.

“Yourroommateleft,”Dad’svoicerumbled.“We’llhaveprivacytotalkassoonasheleaves.”

Ibracedforthebattletocome,thenervessuddenlydisappearingasindignationmovedthroughme.
Dad was the one intruding on our lives. He’d flown clear across an ocean to have this out without
eventellingme,afterhavingshutmeoutfordays.

Iwasnotachild.

“Jakestays.”

DadopenedhismouthtoargueandIheldupahandtostophim.

“Jakestays,”Iinsisted.

Jakewastreatedtoalookthatwouldfellamountainlion.“Fine,”Dadsnapped.

“CanIgetyouanything?”Igesturedtothekitchen.

“Coffee.”

“Jake?”

Jakegavemeasmallsmilebutshookhishead.

Ibrushedpastmydadtopreparehiscoffee.“Ican’tbelieveyouflewallthewayoverhere.Itakeit
Momknows.”

“Ofcoursesheknows.Ihadtodipintooursavings.”

“Youdidn’thavetodoanything.”

“Mydaughterisinthemiddleofmakingtwomomentousdecisionsinherlifeandshewasn’tevenin
thesamecountryasIwas.OfcourseIneededtodothis.”

“If you’re here to talk, Dad, then we’ll talk. But if you’re here to tell me what a giant mistake I’m
makingwithouthearingmeout,thenyoumightaswellleavenow.”Ishothimalook.“Whichwould
becrapbecauseIhaven’tseenyouintwomonths.”

Dad’seyessoftened.“CanIgetahug?”

Inodded,suddenlyfeelinglikealittlegirl,tryingnottocry.Abandoningthecoffee,Istrodeoverto
himandsankintohistightembrace.NoonegavegoodhuglikeJimRedford.

HeheldontomelongerthanusualandIlethimbecauseIknewtherewasapossibilitywewereabout
tohaveahugefalling-out.

WhenIpulledback,IshotalookoverhisshoulderatJake.Hiseyesweredowncast.

“Jake,”I whispered hisname without evenmeaning to, drawing hisgaze to meand causing Dad to
pullaway.

DadlookedatJake.“You’renotwhatIwantforher.She’sstrongandshe’sbrave.Shedeservestobe
withamanequaltothat.”

“Dad—”

“No, Charley, don’t.” Jake cut me off. When he looked into my dad’s face, his expression was
unbending and resolute. “I admit I wasn’t that for her when we were younger. But I’m not that guy
anymore,Mr.Redford.Idon’tlikethatguyanymorethanyoudo,andI’venotjustpromisedCharley
thathe’sgoneforgood,I’vepromisedmyself.”

“That’sjusttalk,Jake.I’monlyinterestedinactions.”

Instantlydefensive,Istompedbacktothecoffee.“Whatdoyouwanthimtodo?Donamaskandfight
crime?”

“Canwedothiswithoutyourusualsmart-asscommentary?”Dadglaredatme.

“Nope.”Ishovedamugathim.“SomewhereyouandMomhavelostsightofwhoIam.Justbecause
myparentshavedecidedtorewritemywholepersonalitydoesn’tmeanthattherewritesaregoingto
stick.”

“This is nuts.” Dad shook his head, his tone calm despite his words. “You can’t throw away law
school for a job that’s dangerous and underpaid. And you can’t erase the months of shit you went
throughtryingtogetoverhim.”

“Letmeaskyouaquestion,Dad.”Ileanedbackagainstthecounter.“Didyouhonestlythinktalkingto
meinpersonwasgoingto…what…convincemetothinkyourway?”

“No,Icameheretoseewhatitisthat’sgoingoninyourlifethatwouldsuddenlycauseyoutomake
these massive decisions, decisions that impact your entire future. It’s not just about me worrying
aboutyouandJake;it’smecompletelyexasperatedbyyourattitudetowardyoursisterandthisnotion
ofyoubecomingacop.Yourrecentactionsanddecisionsringwithimmaturityandfrankly,Charley,
thatwassomethingIneverthoughtIcouldaccuseyouof.”

“That’sbecauseshe’snot,”Jakeargued.

Dadignoredhim.“You’vegotthischildish,naïve,rose-coloredviewthatbeingacopisagreatthing
—youwearauniformpeoplewillrespect,yousavelives,fightcrime.Andthatmakeslifeworthit—”

“Bullshit,”Jakeutteredquietly,hisfeaturestautwithanger.

“Jake…”ImovedtowardhimbutDadreachedoutanarmtostopme.

“No,”Dadsaid.“I’dlovetohearthis.”

“Howdareyoustandthereandcondescendtoher,”Jakecontinued,calm,despitetheflintsofangerin
his eyes. “You might think Charley taking me back is a bad idea, but stop letting that color every
singlethingyouknowabouther.Youknowher.Howcanyousayshe’slivinginsomefantasyworld
aboutbeingacop?Doyouwanttoknowtherealreasonshewantstobeacop?Becauseit’swhoshe
is.Shecan’tstandbyandwatchpeoplesuffer.Shecan’twitnesssomethingwrongandnotwanttodo
somethingtomakeitright.Whataboutyournephew—Ethan?Murderedandnoonewasbroughtto
justice.Sheknowsbeingacopisn’teasy,sheevenknowsitcanbethankless,butshestillwantstodo
it.Forher—forEthanandallthepeoplelikehim.”

Icouldn’tevenfindthewordstodescribehowgratefulIwas.JakehadsaidallI’dbeentryingtosay
for years. I’d failed to find the words to explain it to my parents, but Jake knew me so well, he’d
succeededwhereIhadn’t.

Dadlookedstunned.Slowly,heturnedtome.“ThisisaboutEthan?Younevertoldmethat.”

“Youneverwantedtohearit.”

Processing,Dadsippedhiscoffee.Helookedatmeovertherimofthemugandloweredittoask,
“SincewhendoyouletJakefightyourbattles?”

Grinning,myeyesmetJake’s.“Ineveraskedhimto.ButI’vegottosay,it’snicetohavehimonmy
side.”

JakesmiledbackatmeandIfeltourconnectionstrengthenforthefirsttimesincewe’dstarteddating
again.

“Alexcertainlywouldneverhavefacedoffwithme,”Dadmused,watchingJakecarefully.Itensedat
thementionofAlex.

Jakefrowned.“What?”

Dad’sgazeswitchedbetweenus,notingthesuddentension.“Youhaven’ttoldhimyet?”heaskedme.

Inarrowedmyeyes.“Areyoudeliberatelybeingatroublemaker?”

“Alex?”Jakesaid.

ThatwassonotaconversationIcouldhavewithhimrightthen.“Jake,Ipromisewe’lltalkaboutit
butrightnow,I’mtakingmycrazyfathertolunch.”

Therewasuncertaintyonhisface,butJakenodded.“Callme.”

“JustassoonasI’veconvincedthispersonwholookslikemydadbutdoesn’tactlikehimthatI’ma
grown-upandIcanmakemyownchoices,I’llcomeovertoseeyou.”

Dadsnorted.Iignoredhim.

***

SittingacrossfrommydadinmyfavoriteTex-Mexrestaurant,Ishookmyhead.“Istillcan’tbelieve
youspentallthatmoneytocomehereandlectureme.”

“It wasn’t about lecturing you, Charley.” Dad leaned back in his seat, his expression grave. “It was
aboutbeingaparentwho’sworriedabouthiskidandnotbeingabletothinkaboutanythingelseuntil
Isawformyselfshewasokay.”

Tearsburnedthebackofmyeyes.“Dad,”Imumbled,blinkingrapidly.

“Istilldon’tlikeJake,butI’vegottoadmit,Ilikeeverythinghesaidinthatapartment.Ilikehowhe
seesyou.”Hisfacedarkened.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanIaccepthimaspartofyourlife.Justbecausethe
boyisgoodwithwordsdoesn’tchangehispastactions.”

“Dad…”Itriedtogathermypatience.“Please,justgivehimachance.”

“Ican’tpromisethat.”Heshookhisheadstubbornly.“I’mjustheretoseemykidandtrytoconvince
hertodotherightthing.StartingwithcallingAndieandapologizing.”

“Ican’tpromisethat.”Ithrewhiswordsbackathim.“Idon’tthinkIshouldbetheoneapologizing.”

Dadsighed.“Andthisfromsomeonewhowantsmetotreatherasanadult.”

Iclosedmyeyes,feelingmypatienceslipping.“Let’sjusteatdinner,”Imuttered.Seemedneitherof
uswaswillingtocompromise.I’djusthavetohopeforsomekindofmiracletohappenwhilehewas
in Edinburgh. A miracle that would finally show Jake in a favorable light and bring my family on
boardwithourrelationship.

Iwasn’tholdingmybreath.

7

NorthwesternSeptember2013

No matter how much I was willing myself to be unaffected, to be calm, I wasn’t. Bolstering my
courage,IthrewbackmyshouldersandpreparedtoreenterthecommonroomwhereJakehadsome
redheadedsophomorehangingalloverhim.

InsteadoffacingJake,however,Iwalkedsmackbangintoahardchest.

“Theresheis.”BeckwrappedhisarmsaroundmeandIhuggedhimback.Ifelthislipsbrushmyear.
“Canyoupleasetalktoyourbestfriend?”

Ipulledback,frowning.“Hi,Beck,it’sgoodtoseeyoutoo,aftersixmonths,sincethelasttimedidn’t
reallycount.”

He blanched. “Sorry. It’s good to see you. It really is. I’m just a little distracted at the moment.” He
glanced to his left, where Claudia stood laughing with Denver, Matt, and a couple of guys I didn’t
recognize.“Shewon’tevenlookatme.”

“Whateveryoudo,don’tstartflirtingwithanothergirl.”

Itwashisturntofrown.“Wasn’tplanningonit.Anyothersuggestions?”

I felt Lowe’s hand at my back. “Don’t put Charley in the middle, Beck. The middle is a fucked-up
placetobe.”

“I’mnot.I’mjustrunningoutofideas.”

Honestly, it was frustrating watching two people who were supposed to be together mess it up so
royally.Ihadahardtimekeepingmynoseoutofit.Butmynosetried.

BecksearchedmyfaceasIstaredbackathim,steadfastinmystoicism.Hiseyesnarrowed.“Isshe
reallydatingsomeone?”

Ishrugged.

“Charley.Please.”

“Yes.”

Apainedlookcrossedhisgorgeousface.“Isitserious?”

“Shedoesn’ttalkaboutit.”

“Whatdoesthatmeanexactly?”

IshotalookClaudia’swaytomakesureshewasn’tawareIwastalkingtoBeckandabouttobetray
thegirlcode.“Itmeanswhenyouseeheronherown,stopherandmakeherlisten.”

“Juststopherandmakeherlisten?Idon’tknowifyourememberbutlasttimethathappened,Igot
verballybitch-slappedinpublic.”

“Yeah.” I smiled, remembering it. “But you also made your point and you got to her. She can’t not
listenifyou’reconstantlytheretryingtotalktoher.”

“Validpoint,”Loweadded.

Becksmirkedatusboth,hiseyessofteningwhentheymetmine.“Thanks,Charley.”

“Justdon’ttellherwehadthisconversation.”

“Secrettothegrave.”

Justlikethathedisappearedstealthilyintothecrowdslikealoveninja.

Despite my own situation, I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m finding this side of Beck incredibly
endearing.”

Lowesnorted,guidingmefartherintotheroom.“Youdon’thavetolivewithhim.”

Iraisedaneyebrow.

“IloveClaudia,Ido,she’sagreatgirl,butbroodingBeckisapaininmyass.WealreadyhadJaketo
putupwith.Nowtherearetwo.”

“DidIhearmyname?”

My shoulders tensed at the sound of Jake’s voice. My whole body tensed when I turned to find him
standingbeforeme.Therewasnoredheadnow,butthespecterofherremained.

Lowe’sfingersflexedonmylowerbackandIhadtoadmititwaseasiertodealwiththiscrapshootof
asituationwithhimsupportingme.

“Hey.”Jakesaid.“It’sgoodtoseeyou.”

“Let’sfindmorebeer.”Iignoredhim,turningmywholebodyintoLowe.“Idefinitelyneedmore.”

HeshotJakeanunreadablelookoutofthecornerofhiseye.“Sure,”hesaidandwemovedthrough
thecrowd,awayfrommyexandhisstunned,hurtexpression.

Over the subsequent hour or so, I had a couple more beers, chatted with Matt and Denver, watched
BeckstarebroodinglyatClaudia,witnessedClaudiabestowabeyondmurderouslookhiswaywhen
heinterceptedacuteguytryingtogiveheradrink,andthenIstarteddancingwithastrangeguy.His
namewasTobyorTonyorTroyorsomethingandhelikedmyhair.

SomethinghetoldmeanumberoftimesbeforeIsaidyestoadance.

All I really wanted was to forget everything. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was aware of Jake
everysingleminuteoftheevening.JakewaspopularandeverytimeIturnedaround,hewashanging
outwithsomeonenew.Wedidn’tmakeeyecontactonce.

Itwaslikewewerecompletestrangers.

I was barely even aware of the fact that a slow song had come on, or that I was dancing in
Toby/Tony/Troy’sarmswhenIheardLowesayinvoicethatbrookednoargument,“I’mcuttingin.”

Toby/Tony/Troy was forcefully removed from my vicinity and suddenly I was dancing with Lowe,
excepthe’dpressedmebacksoIwasn’tsmoosheduptohimlikeIhadbeenwithmypreviouspartner.

“Problem,officer?”

Helaughedandshookhisheadatme.“Canyounotbecuterightnow?”

Thesmirkdiedfrommylipsathiscomment.JakesometimessaidthattomewhenIusedhumorasa
deflection.IfLowenoticedthechangeinme,hedidn’tsayso.

“Whyareyoudancingwiththatguy,Charley?That’snotyou.”

“Uh,doyounotrememberHalloweenlastyear?”

Heblinked.“Jesus,we’veknowneachotherayear.Howdidthathappen?”

“Iimagineithadsomethingtodowiththeworldturningforalmost365days.”

Lowe’slipstwitched.“Youreallyareasmart-ass.”

Isalutedhim.“Topofmyclass.”

“I’mbeingserious.”Hegavemealittleshake.“Idon’twantyoudoinganythingstupidbecauseJake
hurtyoutonight.”

“Hurt?” I said, suffusing just the right amount of boredom into my tone. “I’m not hurt anymore,
Lowe. I feel better. Any doubts I had… poof!” I gestured an explosion with my hand. “I’ve been
replaced.”Ishrugged.Beerdidhelpwithconvincingdeception.“Thatmeansweweren’tmeanttobe.
Iwasrightinthefirstplace.Makesmovingonnowveryeasytodo.”

IwastoobusycongratulatingmyselfonsoundinglikeImeantittonoticeLowewasnowsearching
theroomwithananxiousexpressiononhisface.

***

A couple of beers later I wandered through the main rec room and away from Denver, Matt, and a
bunchofpeopleIdidn’tknow.IsearchedtheroomasIleft,notseeingJake,Lowe,Beck,orClaudia.I
frowned. Only a few minutes ago I’d seen Lowe practically making out with some brunette in the
corner,andClaudiahadbeenflirtingwitharandomguyasBeckwatchedon,seething.

Iwonderedwherethey’dalldisappeared.

“Hey…”IstoppedagirlwearingaNorthwesternhoodie.“Nearestbathroom?”

“Downthehalltoyourleft.Thirddoordown,Ithink.”

Ithankedherandwalkedoutintothecorridor,thinkingafterI’dusedtherestroomitmightbetimeto
grab Claudia and get out of there. Bemoaning the disastrous decision we’d made to come here, I
wasn’treallypayingattentiontothefactthatthethirddoordowndidn’thavesignageonit.

Ithrustthedooropenandfrozeatthesceneinfrontofme.

Iwasinadormroom,adormroominwhichBeckhadagirlpressedupagainstthewall,kissingher
with a passionate intensity that actually made my cheeks heat. It took me a second to recognize the
girl,andImust’vemadesomekindofstranglednoisebecauseitbrokethesceneup.

ClaudiapushedBeckaway,hereyesbright,hertancomplexiontingedwithaflush.

Stunnedbythisdevelopment,Istammeredoutanapologyforinterrupting.

Mybestfriendshookherheadfrantically.“You’renotinterruptinganything.”ShebrushedpastBeck
who grabbed her wrist to stall her. Claudia tugged out of his hold, glowering at him. His eyes
narrowedandheturnedaway,staringatthewall,themuscleinhisjawflexing.

Claudiagavemealookthatscreamed,“Don’tyoudareask,”andrushedoutthedoorbehindme.

Well,thiswasuncomfortable.

IwatchedBeckasheblewoutairbetweenhislipsandhunghishead.

Sympathyopenedmymouth.“Beck.”

Helookedatmeoverhisshoulder,appearingsodisheartenedIactuallyforgotmyownwoesfora
moment.

“Bepatient,”Itoldhim.“Keepdoingwhatyou’redoing.Claudiajustneedstoknowthatshecanpiss
youoff,tryyourpatienceanddriveyoualittlecrazy,andyou’llstillbethereattheendoftheday.”

Somethinginhiseyesflickered,somethingalittlelikehope.“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Hisfacedarkened.“ButtheTA?”

“She’snotinlovewithhim.”Ishruggedandtookasteptowardthedoor.“Whydoyouthinkshe’sso
scaredofyou?”

“Youshouldn’treallybetellingmethisstuff,shouldyou?”

“No.IfClaudiafindsout,I’monhershitlist,soI’mtakingarisk.”

Becklaughedsoftly.“Well,Iappreciateit.”

Ismiledbackathimandturnedaroundtoresumemysearchforthebathroom,stillalittlestunned.I
shouldn’thavebeensurprisedtowalkinonClaudiaandBeckmakingout,andIguessIwasn’t.The
truthwasitwasn’tthefactthatthey’dkissedthathadmereeling—itwasthekissitself.Itwasn’tjust
thekissoftwopeoplewhowereattractedtooneanother;itwasthekissoftwopeoplewhoneeded
oneanother.Therewasdesperationinit,alongingsointense,ithadbeenpalpabletoevenme.

ItwasthekindofkissI’doncesharedwithJake.

Feelingeven lower thanI had beenbefore, I walked downthe hall, wonderingif the bathroom was
perhapsright,ratherthanleft.

Iwasapproachinganopendormroomdoorwhentwofamiliarvoicesmademestopinmytracks.

“I’mtryingtotellyouthatyou’refuckingup,”IheardLowesnap.

“IknowwhatI’mdoing,”Jakereplied,soundingirritated.

Curious,andyes,hopingtooverhearmyname,Ipressedbackagainstthewallandheldmybreath.

“Jake,I’mconfused.Ithoughtyougotmetothrowthisthing,inviteherhere,soyoucouldtalktoher,
patchthingsup.Whothefuckistheredhead?”

Mymouthdroppedopen.They’dorchestratedthispartyjusttogetmehere?What?Sincewhendid
JakeandLoweworktogetheronanything…especiallysomethinginvolvingme?

“Theredheaddoesn’tmatter.ThewholepointoftonightwastogetCharleyandmeinthesameroom
andshowherwhatlifeisgoingtobelikeforusifwe’renottogether.Practicallystrangersataparty.
IknowCharley.She’shatingthisasmuchasIam.We’repossessiveofeachother.Weneedtobein
each other ’s lives, know what’s going on with each other. Sooner, rather than later, she’s going to
realizewhatamistakethisis.Butnotifshe’sthreehoursaway.Itwasonlywhenwestartedhanging
outagaininEdinburghthatnotbeingtogetherwastoohard.”

Hewas…manipulatingme?

Ijuststoppedmyselffromgaspingoutloud.

Jakewasn’toverme.Thiswasn’t…whatthehellwasthis?

“Ihatetotellyouthisbutyourplanisbackfiring.Shethinksyou’vemovedonsoshe’smovingon.
Shethinksthisprovesthatshewasrighttobreakupwithyou.”

“What?Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

I’ddonealotofcowardlythingstheselastfewmonths,butwalkingawayfromthiswasn’tgoingto
beoneofthem.Nobody,nobodymanipulatedme,andgotawaywithit!

Withangerburninginmyblood,IstormedintothedormroomJakeandLowehadchosentohave
theirlittletête-a-tête.Theybothblanchedwhentheyturnedtoseewhowasinterruptingthem.

My eyes must have registered my feelings of betrayal when they met Lowe’s because he flinched.
“Charley,it’snot—”

“Since when do you align yourself with him?” I snapped, gesturing to Jake. “You got together to
manipulateme?Areyouhigh?”

He shrugged helplessly. “I was trying to help two friends out. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Lowe
shook his head, looking between Jake and me. “It was a mistake to get involved and I’m now
uninvolvingmyself.”Hewasstillshakinghisheadashewalkedpast,notmeetingmyfierygaze.

As soon as he was gone, Jake took a step toward me, holding up his hands in placation. “Don’t be
pissed.Iwasjusttryingtofixus.”

“No.”Isteppedback.“Youwereplayinggames,andIthoughtweweredonewiththat.”

“Charley,” he stared at me, looking incredulous, “did you honestly just expect me to give up, walk
away, after everything? I didn’t know what else to do. You wouldn’t have come here if I said I just
wantedtohangout,talk,trytoactuallyworkoutourproblemsinsteadofrunningfromthem.You’re
theoneactinglikeachildhere.Ijustpickedupwhereyouleftoff.”

Icouldn’tactuallydisputeanyofthat,whichmademeevenmorepissed,hurt,defensive,scaredand…
confused.

Istartedtoshiver.“I…Ican’tdothis.”Iturnedaway.

I hadn’t taken two steps when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. Jake tugged me, forcefully,
pulling me around so I stumbled into his chest. His lips crashed down on mine, his kiss hungry,
desperate,angry…

ForamomentIforgoteverythingelsebutthehardpressureofhismouthonmine,thesmellofhis
cologne,thefeelofhisbody.Iwassurrounded.

Drowning.

AndIletithappen.

Hislipsmovedfrommymouthtomychin,alongmyjaw,ashishandslidupmywaist,histhumbjust
grazing my breast. I sighed, my body arching into his. I was hot. Hot and wanting. Nothing else
matteredbutthewayIfeltwhenhetouchedme.

Hisvoicewasraggedinmyear.“I’vemissedyousomuch.Iloveyousofuckingmuch.”Hesqueezed
my waist and pulled me closer, his mouth reaching for mine again but those three little words had
brokenthroughthespelloflustcreatedbyJake’sproximityandthefourbeersI’dhad.

“Stop,”Iwhispered,pushinggentlyonhischest.

Insteadofstopping,Jakekissedmeagain.

Ipushedharder,breakingcontact.“Jake,stop!”

Hestumbledback,frustrationandsomethingelseinhisface.Panic?“Charley—”

“No.”Imovedawayfromhim,holdingahandouttowardhimoff.“Thiswasamistake.We’re…”I
trailedoff,notreallyknowingwhattosayasItriedtocatchmybreath.

Westaredateachotherintensesilence.

That’swhenIcametothehardestdecisionofmylife.

Ifeltlikesomeonehadstuckburningneedlesintoeverymuscleinmybody,andallIcouldfeelwas
torturouspain,andIdidn’tknowwhyitwasnecessary.Whatpointithad?Whyithadtobethatway?I
startedtoimaginethatperhapsthoseneedlesweremyfamily,andhorriblyinthatmomentIresented
thehelloutofthem.“We’redoneforgood.Wecan’tbefriendsandwecan’tbethis.Losemynumber,
Jake.”

Helookedgrief-stricken.“Youcan’tbeserious?”

ThetearsslippeddownmycheeksnowandIbrushedthemhastilyaway.“Deadly.Iwon’tanswerif
youcall.”

“Why?”heshookhishead,hisownresentmentbuildinghisgorgeouseyes.“Justtellmewhy.Areal
answerthistime.”

“Itoldyouwhy.Youdidn’tlisten.”

Andjustlikethat,Iturnedandwalkedout.

Itwashardtomakesenseofsomethingtosomeoneelsewhenyouhadahardtimefiguringoutifit
reallymadesensetoyourself.ButIwasn’tcrazy.

ThetruthwasI’dmadeapromise.Thiswasmekeepingit.

8

EdinburghMarch2013

IleftDadathishoteltalkingtoMomonthephone,reassuringherthathewasallright,Iwasallright,
and that we were… talking things out. Although I still didn’t feel one hundred percent certain that
we’dreachedanunderstanding,Ihopedwewouldbythetimeheleft.

Fornow,Iheadedtomyboyfriend’sapartment.

Something had shifted inside me when Jake sprung to my defense. It didn’t seem like much, but in
reality, knowing he had my back was a huge step toward me trusting him. The old Jake was too
determined to keep on my dad’s good side to ever interfere in any small parental disputes I might
havehad.He’doncesatquietlyinthecornerofthelivingroomwhilemymomanddadrefusedto
listentomeaboutbeingacop.

He’dchanged.

Anxioustoseehim,Ihurrieduptohisapartment.

“Jake’snothere,”BecksaidasIfollowedhimintothekitchen.

SittingatthekitchentablewereClaudiaandLowe.Ismiledatmygirl.“Haveyouseenhim?”

Claudshookherhead.“Nope.But—”

“She’sbeentoobusyplanningoursummertour,”Beckinterrupted,offeringmeacanofsoda.

“No,thanks.”IraisedaneyebrowatClaudia.“Summertour?”

Lowegrinned.“It’swhatweweretalkingaboutatTeviot.Claudiaisamazing.She’salreadyhelpedus
bookeightgigsforthesummer,andshethinkswecanturnitintoastatetour.Itcouldgetusnoticed.”

“Isn’tthatexpensive?”

Lowe shrugged. “We’re pooling our resources. And these are paying gigs.” He nudged Claudia.
“NowIjusthavetoconvinceClaudtobeourmanagerandcomeontourwithus.”

“Ifshedoesn’twantto,shedoesn’thaveto,”Becksaid,trying—andfailing—tosoundcasual.

Istudiedthemcarefully,wonderingwhatIwasmissing.“Well…thatsoundsgreat.Andyoushould
thinkaboutit,Claudia.Itmightbealotoffuntotourwiththem.”

Claudiashrugged.“Idon’tknow.Anyway,backtothematterathand.Jakeis—”

“Asappy,overachieving,broodylittlesonofabitchandyoucoulddomuchbetter.”Beckgrinnedup
atme.

ImadeafaceathimandhadjustturnedbacktoClaudiawhenIgotatext.

YoushouldknowI’minthekitchenofthisblondchickI’mkindofinlovewith.Ifyouseeher,tell
herImissherandtogetherassbackhere.

“Jakeiswaitingforyou—”

“Inourapartment,”IfinishedforClaud,wavingmyphoneather.

I wondered why Jake had gone back to my place when he knew I was hanging out with my dad. It
occurredtomethatperhapshewasconcernedmydadmight’vesaidsomethingtochangemymind
about our relationship. I longed for the days when we could stop reassuring each other about our
mutualcommitment.

WhenIgottotheapartment,JakewasinthekitchenwithMaggie.Itriedtobepolitetoher,butIwas
inahurrytotalktomyboyfriendsoIofferedaquickhelloandgoodbyeasIdraggedJakeintomy
room.

“Eager,arewe?”

“Ijustwantedyoutoknowthatwe’reokay.Despitemydadandeverything.”

Instantly,Jake’seyebrowspuckered.“Speakingofyourfather…Ireallywanttohearhowthingswent
withyourdadtonight,butIhavetoknowsomethingthat’sbeenbuggingmesincehementionedit…
Alex?”

I’dactuallyforgottenmydadhadmentionedAlex’sname.Shit.

Nowforthetruth.IhadnoideahowJakewouldreacttoit.

AlexRosterwasoneofmybestfriends.Butforawhile…hewasmorethanthat.

I took a deep breath. “The guy, the one I dated for ten months freshman year of college… it was
Alex.”

Jaketensedandthenhegentlypushedmeaway.“Alexwastheguy?”

Sensingthiswasgoingsomewherebad,Ihurriedtoexplain.“Afteryouleft,everythingwasdifferent.
We’dboth changed andwe grew close.We’re really good friends.At college wedecided to give it
another go. It worked for a while but I couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me
whatIneeded.”Ishrugged.“Webrokeup,butwe’vestayedfriends.He’sbeenseeinghisgirlfriend
Sharonforages.They’rehappytogetherand—”

“Tenmonths?”Jakeinterrupted.He’dpaled.“Youfuckedhim?”hewhisperedhoarsely.

“Jake…”Ifeltbetrayedbythequestion.“That’snotevenfair.Youprobablyfuckedanentiresorority
housewhilewewerebrokenup.”

“Theyweren’tgoddamnAlexRoster!”heyelled,brushingpastme.

Iwatchedonasheworeoutmycarpet,pacingbackandforth.

“Allthattimeweweredating,yousaidyouhadnofeelingsforhimandyouwerelyingtome?”

I’dexpectedhimtonotlikethenews,butIhadn’texpectedhimtobesoangryandhurt.“No,Iwasn’t
lying. I didn’t have feelings for him then,” I promised. “Like I said, Brett’s death changed us. You
breakingmyheartchangedme.Youleft,Jake.Alexstayed.”

Jakejerkedtoastop,likeI’dhithim.“Isthathowit’sgoingtobeforever?Youwinninganargument
fortherestofourlivesbythrowingthatinmyface?”

“Ithrewitinyourfaceforthisparticularargumentbecauseithasrelevance.Youwantedtoknowhow
IendedupdatingAlex.”

“Fortenmonths?”Heshookhisheadindisbeliefandslumpeddownonthebed.“God,thethoughtof
youwithhim…”Jakeclosedhiseyes.“Thethoughtofyouwithanyoneelse…”Hisdark,tumultuous
gazemetmine.“Youwereinlovewithhim?”

“No.”Isatnexttohim.“That’sthereasonwebrokeup.HetoldmehelovedmebutIdidn’tlovehim.
Weweren’trightforeachother,Jake.Hedidn’twantmetobeacop,andI’mprettysurehethinksI’m
a little crazy. He drove himself nuts worrying about me. And he… he was too concerned with how
everythinglookedtoeveryoneelse.And…”IcurledmyhandaroundJake’sneck,drawingourfaces
closer.“Itwasneverpassionatebetweenus.Itwasjustnice.Andyouhavenoideahowheartbreaking
‘justnice’iswhenyouknowwhat‘beautiful’tasteslike.”

“Yes, I do,” Jake whispered against my lips before closing his eyes again. He leaned his forehead
againstmineashereachedformyfreehand.“ThisishowyoufeltwatchingmewithMelissa?”

“Yes,”Iwhisperedback.

Jake’s expression crumbled and suddenly he was cupping my face in his hands, his anguished eyes
blazingintomine.“Iamsosorry.IamsosorryIhurtyouoverandoveragain.”

“Jake…”Ifoldedintohim,wrappedmyarmstightlyaroundhimashisenclosedaroundme.

“Everyday,”hesaidsoftly,“I’mgoingtospendeverydaymakingituptoyou.”

Isatinhisarmsforawhileasherockedusgently.

FinallyJakebrokethesilence.“Yourdad?Howdiditgotonight?”

“You’rehavingdinnerwithustomorrow,”Isaid,makingthedecisiononthespot.NowaywouldDad
changehismindaboutJakeifhedidn’tspendtimewithhim.IpulledbacktolookatJake.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Tonight,”IabruptlytuggedupthehemofhisT-shirt.Withoutquestioning,Jakeraisedhisarmsand
letmepullitoff.“Whenyoudefendedme,”Ithrewhisshirtonmychairandslowlydrewmyown
sweaterupovermyhead,“itfeltamazing.Idon’tneedanyonetofightforme,Jake.”Ipressedasoft
kisstohiswaitingmouth,coastingmyfingertipsacrosshischest,mythumbsbrushinghisnipples,
mytouchmakinghimshudder.“ButIhavetoadmitthatIlikethatyouwantto.”

“Always,” he said, arching his neck for me as my lips trailed kisses along his jaw and down his
throat.

I caressed his abs with my hands, soft, gentle touches that accelerated his breathing. I flicked my
tongueoverhisnippleandhishandsclampedaroundmyarmsinreaction.“Letme.”Ilookedupat
him.

Hiseyesburnedwithlust.“Tortureme?”

Ishookmyhead.“Thatimpliesyouwon’ttogetplaytoo.I’mjustaskingyoutoletmeplayfirst.”

Jakenodded,hisexcitementevident.“Whateveryouwant,baby.I’vemissedyou.”

Kissing my way down his stomach, I felt my own skin start to heat and the pulse between my legs
throbattheincreaseinJake’sbreathing.WhenIreachedthelow-slungwaistbandofhisjeans,Itraced
theskinjustabovewithmytongue,excitedbythelow,deepgrowlemanatingfromJake’sthroat.

Hiserectionstrainedagainsthiszipper.

“Letmehelpyouwiththat.”Ismiledupathimmischievously.“Itlookspainful.”

The look on his face almost broke me. His features were taut, his eyes fogged with desire, and
everythinginmewantedtoanswerit—justripoffhisjeansandmineandjumphim.

PatiencewassomethingIneededtopractice.

Jakewatchedme,hisintensitymakingmeshiverwithanticipationasIunzippedhisjeansandpulledat
the waistband of his boxers underneath. He tilted his hips off the bed, giving me easier access. I
tuggedhisjeansandunderweardown,pullingoffhisbootssoIcouldremovehisclothescompletely.

Hesatthere,comfortablewithhisnakedness.Andsoheshouldbe.Ilickedmylips,myeyesroaming
hissculptedbodyandthrobbingerection.

“I’malucky,luckygirl.”Igrinnedupathim,makinghimsmilewrylybackatme.

“I’mgladyouthinkso.”

I shook my head as I stood up. “I know so.” I unclipped my bra, letting it drop to the floor. Jake’s
eagereyesfastenedonmynakedbreastsasmynipplestightenedintohardbuds.

Takingmytime,Ikickedoffmyboots,unzippedmyjeans,andshimmiedoutofthem.Wearingonly
mypanties,Isteppedclosersoourlegstouched.

Jakeslidhishandsupmyouterthighsuntiltheyrestedonmyhips,hiseyesdevouringeveryinchof
me.“Ithinkyou’vegotitthewrongwayaround.”

“What?”

“I’mtheluckyone.”

Inoddedsolemnly.“Yeah,youare.”

Heshookhishead,seemingtomarvelatme,alookthatturnedmyinsidestomush.“Doyouhaveany
ideahowsexyyouare?”

Ismiledcockilyandpointedlyathishard-on.“Ihaveaninkling.”

Jake laughed, biting his lower lip as he hooked a finger into my panties. “Are these leaving us any
timesoon?”

NudginghislegsapartsoIcouldstepbetweenthem,Iloweredmyselftothefloor.“Eventually.Ihave
somethingmoreurgentonmymind,though.”

“Charley,”hesaid,breathshort,hisdarkeyesflashingwithexcitement.“Youdon’thaveto.”

“WhenhaveIevernotwantedto?”Iremindedhim.

HisgroanfilledmyearsasItookhimintomymouth,suckinglightlyatfirstathiswarm,saltytaste.I
lickedthepre-cumfromhistip,teasinghimmercilesslywithmymouthuntilhebeggedmetostop.

Igavehimwhathewanted,suckinghimhardasIpumpedthebasewithmyfist.

WhenIknewhewasclose,Istopped.

Hischestroseandfellinpantsashestaredatmeindisbelief.“Why?”

I stood, only to crawl onto the bed next to him. I kissed him softly. “Now do me, but don’t let me
come.Let’ssavethat.”

Understanding,Jakeasked,“Delayedgratification,huh?”

“Exactly.”

“Itfuckinghurts,”hesmiledruefullybackatme.

“But it’ll be worth it.” I lay back on the bed and watched him as he pulled my panties down very
slowly, torturously so. I was already turned on from going down on him and didn’t think it would
takemuchtoclimax.Jakehadachallengeonhishandstostopbeforeithappened.

Atthetouchofhistongueonmyankle,Irealizedclearlyhewasupforpushingmetobreakingpoint.
He pressed soft kisses up my legs, alternating between the two, positioning them how he wanted,

bending my knee so he could lick the crease behind it. I squirmed, my whole body tingling with
anticipation.Mynervessparked,beggingforfire.

Hepushedmylegsapart,crawlingbetweenthem.Myhipsjerkedatthefeelofhismouthontheinside
ofmythigh.Hescatteredsoftkissesalongmyskin,drivingmecrazy.

When he proceeded to lick the crease between my thigh and my sex, I whimpered his name
pleadingly.Takingpity,Jaketickledmewiththestrokeofhisfingersecondsbeforehismouthcame
downonme.

Isighedinpleasure,lostcompletelytothesearchforsatisfactionasJake’stonguecircledmyclit.I
writhedagainsthismouthwhileheplayedmeperfectly,histonguemovingdown,slidinginsideme.

IwasbarelyawareofmycriestoGod,toJake,mybeggingformore.

Hereturnedtomyclit,suckingitbetweenhisteeth,andIfeltitcoming.Mybodytensed,preparing
forit.

AndthenJake’smouthwasgone.

Ittookmeaminutetoblinkthroughthehazeoflusttorealizewhathadhappened.

Delayedgratification.Ipoutedathimashekneeledbetweenmylegs.“You’reright.Ithurts.”

“You’retellingme,”hesaidquietlyandmyeyesdroppedtohisdick.Itstrainedtowardhisstomach,
purple-redwithneed.

Ishiveredandspreadmylegsalittlewider.“I’mallyoursifyouwantme.”

Jake dragged his eyes over my body in a way that made my breasts swell. “Oh, I want you,” he
answered,hisvoicethick.“Iwantyoutoturnover.”

“Over?”

“Iwanttoseeallofyou.Nowturnover.”

Immediately turned on by his commanding attitude, I let my sliding hair hide my smile as I rolled
overontomystomachforhim.Irestedmychinonmyarms.“Nowwha—oh…”Imeltedatthesoft
touchofhiswarmlipsonmylowerback.

“Ilovethesedimples,”hemuttered,hisbreathwhisperingovermyskin.“Whenyouwearjeansanda
smalltee,itshowsoffthesesexydimplesjustaboveyourass.TurnsmeoneverytimeIseethem.”

Igrinned.“That’sgoodtoknow.”

And then all thought flew swiftly from my mind as Jake pressed kisses over my butt cheeks, his
tonguelickinglightlyatmyskinashedidso.

Ibegantowritheagainashelickedthecreasebetweenthebottomcurveofmyrightcheekandthe
backofmythigh.“Jake,”Igroaned,deliciouslysurprisedbythesensualassault.

TwofingersslidinsidemeandIclenchedmyhandsintofists,archingmyneck,raisingmyassashe
pumpedthosefingersslowlyinandout.Mybodytensed.

“I’mgoingtocome,”Iwhimpered,warninghim.

“Notwithoutme,you’renot.”

Suddenly, he had me on my back again, his expression fierce. He pulled me under him, his chest
brushingminewhilehegrippedmythighinhishand,partingmylegs.

He thrust inside me and we both moaned at the feel of my tight inner muscles pulsing around him.
Jake held still for a moment and that something magical that was always there passed between us.
Eyes connected the whole time, Jake’s grip on my thigh tightened and he pulled back out only to
surge back inside me so deeply, I cried out. I arched against his thrusts, meeting each one with a
buildingurgency.

Mymusclestightened,mybodystiffened.

Icameonacryofhisname,tearsinmyeyesasIstaredintohis,myhipsshudderingagainsthiswith
releaseashecontinuedtopumpintome.

Jake’sjawclenchedandhetensedasecondbeforehecame,jerkingagainstme,hiswarm,long,wet
releasefloodingme.

“Fuck,”hepanted,relaxingintome.

Iwrappedmyarmsandlegsaroundhim,holdinghimclose.

“Definitelyworthit,”hemumbledagainstmyshoulder.“Delayedgratification.”

Ichuckled.“Oh,yeah.”

Hekissedmycollarboneandpushedup,easinghisweightoffme.Icaughtthenoteofseriousnessin
hisexpressionandwaitedwithbatedbreath.“Somethinghappenedhere.I’mnotpressuringyouinto
going too fast, but I need you to acknowledge when our relationship is moving forward. I know I
don’t deserve it, but it’ll stop me going crazy.” He smirked unhappily. “I’ve been going crazy
wonderingwhenyou’regoingtodecidethisisabadidea,andIknowI’llhavetolivewiththat.But…
Ifeltsomethingwithyoutonight…”

“Hey,”Icurledmyhandaroundhisneck,“Ifeltit.”

Jakestudiedmeamomentandthenwhispered,“Iloveyou.”

Igavehimaweaksmile,pullinghimdownforakisssoIdidn’thavetoseethedisappointmentinhis
eyes.

Desperate to move past those three little words and the sudden disconnect between us, I broke the
halfheartedkisstochangethesubject.“I’msorryIdidn’ttellyousooneraboutAlex.”

Jakerolledoffmetolieonhisback.Iwasrelievedwhenhecurledanarmaroundmetopullmeinto
hisside.“It’sokay.We’reaworkinprogress.”

“Thatweare.”

Silence,notentirelyuncomfortable,fellbetweenusandIdidn’tknowwhomIwasmostdisappointed
in—myselfforbeingemotionallystuntedorJakeforruiningthemomentwithanother“Iloveyou.”

9

LantonOctober2013

In silent mutual agreement, Claudia and I didn’t talk about Lowe’s party. She knew it was final
betweenmeandJakeandthatIwouldn’tbeacceptinganynewrequeststohangoutwiththeguys.She
seemedfinewiththatbecauseitmeantshecouldhidefromBeck.

I was sad to lose the guys in losing Jake. Especially Lowe, despite his move to the dark side. We’d
tradedafewtextsoverthelastfewweeksbutitwasclearthatourfriendshipwasn’treallygoingtogo
anywhereifIwashell-bentonavoidingJake.

SenioryearandstudyingfortheLSATswereagreatdistractionfromeverything,aswereAlexand
Sharon who always had something planned for us on the weekend. I wanted to be distracted from
Jake.Hewasalostcauseforme.

Myparentsweren’talostcause,however,anditwasbecomingincreasinglydifficulttodealwiththe
estrangement between my dad and me. I think the finality of losing Jake finally broke me. After
talkingitoverwithClaudia,IpackedabagtheweekendbeforeHalloweenandheadedtoLanton.

Dad didn’t seem to care whether I tagged along with him to work that Saturday, which hurt my
feelingssincehelovedmetaggingalongwhenIwasakid.Iwashislittleassistant.Andiewasnever
interested in cars, but I was curious about anything my dad found interesting and he loved that he
couldsharehisworkwithme.

Itwasadifferentstoryaltogethernow.

Wegottohisautoshopandinsteadofstoppingtohavecoffeeanddonutswiththetwoguysonhis
payrolllikehenormallywould,hewentstraighttowork.HeleftmeintheofficewithJedStewart,a
guy around Dad’s age who’d worked for him for ten years, and Milo Atwater. Milo was a cute,
slightly unkempt guy who’d been in Andie’s class at school. He’d graduated high school with his
GEDandcomestraighttoworkwithDadbecausehelovedcarsmorethanhelovedanythingelse.

JedfrownedatthedoorasDadwalkedout.“IsupposeI’dbettergettoworktoo,then,”hegrumbled,
takinganothersipofcoffeebeforestridingout.

IpickedupadonutandlookedatMilo.“Yougoingtoo?”

He gave me his lopsided grin and leaned back in his chair. “Nah. We don’t start for another ten
minutes.”Henoddedtowardthedoor.“What’supwithJim?”

Ichewedonthedonutandslumpedagainstthewall.Afterswallowing,Irepliedhonestly,“I’mhere.”

Miloraisedaneyebrow.“Hethinksthesunshinesoutofyourass.Whatthehellcouldyouhavedone
topisshimoff?”

“It’scomplicated.”

“Drugs?”

“No,”Ilaughedandshovedtherestofthedonutinmymouth.

Milosmirkedatme.“Sex?”

Imadeafaceathim.

“Gambling?”

Ifinishedeating.“No.LikeIsaid,it’scomplicated.”

Hiseyebrowsdrewtogether.“NowI’mcurious.IwanttoknowwhattheGreatCharleyRedfordcould
seriouslyhavedonewrong.”

Nowitwasmyturntomakeaface.“TheGreatCharleyRedford?”

Helaughed.“Yeah.Youhavetoknowyou’rekindofalegendaroundhere.Supergirl.”

Itriednottoflinchatthenickname.“I’mnotperfect.”

Hiseyesrakedoverme.“Idon’tknowaboutthat,”hemurmured.

“Areyouactuallyflirtingwithmerightnow?”

Eyesfilledwithlaughter,heshrugged.“Can’tamanappreciateaprettywoman?”

“Notwhenshe’shisboss’sdaughter.”

“See,nowyou’rejustturningmeonwiththewhole‘forbiddenfruit’thing.”

“I’mgoingtoseriouslykickyouinthenuts.”

“Theresheis!”helaughedandstoodup.“It’snotlikeyoutowalkaroundtownlookinglikeakicked
puppy.Idon’tlikeit.Itthrowseverythingoff.”

Grimly, I stared out of the office. “Yeah, well, my dad has a way of making me feel like a badly
behavedfour-year-old.”

“Hmm…it’snotgotanythingtodowiththatguythatwashereacoupleofweeksago,doesit?”

Myeyessnappedtohisface.“Whatguy?”

“That kid.” He gesticulated with a donut in hand. “The kid… you know… the kid you used to date.
Jesus,Ican’trememberhisname.”

A wave of nausea crashed over me and I felt slightly faint as my heart rate knocked itself out of
whack.“Jake?JakeCaplin?”

“Mmm-hmmm!”Milonoddedprofuselyashechewed.

Jakehadcometoseemydad?AndDadhadn’tsaidanything.

IhurriedoutoftheofficeandacrosstheworkshoptowhereDadwasgloweringatacomputerscreen.
“Dad,Iknowyou’reworkingbutweneedtotalk.”

Hedidn’tevenlookupatme.“Charley,Iamworking.Ican’ttalk.”

Maddened,Igrowled,“Jakecamehereandyoudidn’ttellme?”

Dadfrozeforasecondbutonlyforasecondbecausesuddenly,myarmwasinhistightgraspandhe
wasmarchingusboththroughtheautoshopandoutbackintothecourtyard.

“WhatdidJakewant?”Iaskedwithoutpreamble.

Dadputhishandsonhishipsandstaredatthegroundforabit.Ittookeverybitofpatiencewithinme
nottoforceanansweroutofhim.

Finally he looked at me, squinting against the low autumn sun. “Jake is worried about you. He was
lookingforanswers,answersIcouldn’tgivehim.Hedoesn’tseemtoknowwhyyoutwobrokeup
butthinksImightbetoblame.”

“OhGod,”Ileanedagainstthebuilding.“Everythingissomessedup,Dad.”

“YouwanttoknowwhatItoldhim?”

Actually,Ireallywasn’tsureIdid,butInoddedanyway.

“Itoldhimmaybeyoubrokeupwithhimbecausehe’sajackass.”

Inarrowedmyeyes.“Eloquent,Dad.”

“WhatelsewasIsupposedtosay?”

“Notthat,”Ireplied,infuriated.“ItreatedJakehorribly.Nomatterwhatyouthinkofhim,Ishouldn’t
havetreatedhimthewayIdid,andhedidn’tdeservethatfromyou.”

Dadshookhishead.“Hewaslookingforanswersinthewrongplace—whatdidheexpect?Onlyyou
cantellhimwhyyoubrokeupwithhim.”ItsoundedlikeaquestionbutIignoredit.

NowthatIhadmyDadtalking,Iguesswehadamorerelevanttopictodiscuss.“Youknow,Icame
homethisweekendtospendtimewithyou.Totrytomendfences.”

Hecutmealookandhisvoicewashardwhenhereplied,“Thisain’tthefenceyoushouldbetrying
tomend.”

Shotdownonmyfirstattempt?

Theunbendingdisappointmentfromhimfinallysnappedsomethinginsideofme.“Areyouperfect,
Dad?”Iyelled,jerkingawayfromtheautoshop’swall.

“Charley,don’tstart—”

“No,really,areyouperfect?Canyoujustdealwithanythinglifethrowsatyou?Canyouanswerto
your mistakes?” I sagged back against the building. “Haven’t you ever been so paralyzed, because
you’reterrifiedwhatevermoveyoudecidetomakeisthewrongoneandit’lljustmakeeverything
worse?”

Thequietinmyvoice,thequestion,causedsomeofthehardnesstosofteninhiseyes.

“Youwereoneofmybestfriends,”Iwhispered,tryingtoholddowntheemotion.Ididn’twanttocry
rightnow.Ididn’twanttobehysterical.Ijustwantedhimtostophatingme.“Andnowit’slikeyou
can’tevenstandtolookatme…andIdon’tknowifI’vereallydoneanythingtodeservethat.I’mnot
perfect, Dad. I make mistakes, and sometimes I don’t know how to fix them. But you shutting me
out… I feel alone.” And damn those fucking tears but they pushed forth, spilling down my cheeks.
“I’mlonely.”

Iheardmydadcurseunderhisbreathandthenextthinghe’dclosedthedistancebetweenusandIwas
inhiswarm,safe,strongarms.HeheldmetightuntilmytearsreducedtosnifflesandthenIfelthim
kissmyhairbeforeleaningbacktolookdownintomyface.“Babygirl,Inevermeanttomakeyou
feelthatway.IguessIjustholdyoutoahigherstandardthanmost.IaskmorefromyouthanIdo
others.”

I nodded and stepped back, wiping my cheeks. “I want to be the person you can hold to higher
standards.Ido.ButI’vegottensostuckandIdon’thowtobreakfree.”

Hebrushedthehairoffmyface.“Youstartbytakingcontrolofyourlife,ofyouractions,Charley.
You’vegotafewthingstofaceandyouneedtotakethemoneatatime.IfI’vebeenhardonyou,it’s
because this isn’t the Charley I know. You face things head on. You’re only going to start feeling
better about yourself if you start dealing with everything. First thing…” He rubbed my shoulder in
comfort.“Andie.”

I gave him a nod in agreement, sinking back against him for another hug, but in truth, my gut was
churning.Facingthat…Ijustdidn’tknowifI’deverbeready.

10

EdinburghMarch2013

WhenDadleftEdinburgh,hehadn’tchangedhismindaboutJakeormydecisiontobecomeacop.
One great day of doing touristy stuff together and one seriously awkward and painful dinner with
Jakelater,DadgotonaplanebacktotheStates.HetoldmehelovedmeandthathewasgladIwas
okay.However,healsotoldmehewouldmaybetakememoreseriouslyifIwerematureenoughto
pickupthephoneandapologizetomysister.

IhatedthatIhadn’tspokentoAndieinweeks.Ihatedthatrightnowshewaspissedoffandthatshe
didn’tlikemeverymuch.IhateditevenmorethatIdidn’tlikeherverymuchrightnow.Morethan
anything,Ihatedthatshewasn’ttheretotalktowhenIneededherthemost.ButIstilldidn’tfeellikeI
was in the wrong. Stubbornly, I refused to call her, which meant my whole family was still pretty
upsetwithme.

AndJake…

Iwashurtinghim.Istillhadn’tsaidIloveyouandeachtimehesaiditwithoutareturn,itlookedlike
hewastakingabullet.Alongwiththehurt,Iwasbeginningtosensehisgrowingimpatience.Because
thetruthwaswebothknewhowIfeltabouthim.Ishould’vejustsaiditoutloud.Ididn’tknowwhyI
couldn’t. It seemed my stubbornness extended from my dealings with my family to how I was
handlingJake.

ForsomereasonIbelievedJakewouldpatientlywaitformyheadtosortitselfout.

Jakehadanotherideainmind.

ItwasaThursday,justaftermidnight,andI’djustfinishedapaper.Iwassteppingoutofthebathroom
whenIheardakeyturnintheapartmentdoor.

Surprised,IwatchedasJakestalkeddownthequiet,darkhallwaytowardme.

Thedeterminationinhiseyesmademegapeathimwordlesslyashepushedpastmeandstalkedinto
myroom.“Weneedtotalk.”

Ihurriedinsideafterhim,shuttingthedoorbehindusashespunaroundtofaceme.“Aboutwhat?”

Hisanswerwastocloseinonmequickly,hishandsbracedonthedooroneithersideofmyheadsoI
was trapped. My heart accelerated, goosebumps prickling all over me at his proximity. “I’m done
fuckingaround,”hesaid,hiswordsalmostdancingonmylipsourmouthsweresoclose.“I’vehad
timetothink.Imadeamistake.”Hepressedhisbodyintomineandgrinnedtriumphantlyattheway
mybreathstuttered.Iwould’vepunchedhimforhisarroganceifIweren’tcompletelyturnedon.“My
mistakehasbeenmypatience.NowI’mdone.Ishould’vetiedyoutoyourbeduntilyourstubbornass
was ready to admit it.” Jake brushed a kiss across my jaw and I shivered. “You love me,” he
whisperedhoarselyinmyear,beforepullingbacktowatchmyreaction.

Iwassurprised.Uncertain.Maybescared.

ButIalsowantedhim.

Ialwayswantedhim.

“Iknowyouloveme,”Jakepersisted.“Ineedyoutoadmititsowecanputallthisshitbehindusand
startover.”

Ifeltasurgeofannoyanceathimtakingthesituationoutofmyhands.“BossyJakeisback,Isee.”

“Heneverleft.He’sjustbeenwalkingoneggshellsforthepastfewmonths,scaredoflosingyou.”

“You… scared? Puhlease,” I teased, trying to shift onto easier ground as a last-ditch effort to pull
backfromthedestinationhewasforcingmetoward.

“Willyoustopjerkingaroundandtellmeyouloveme?”hegrowledback.

“Youcan’tpushmetosayit!”

“Whyareyoubeingsuchaprimadonna?Iknowyoufeelit.”

“Youdon’tknowthat!”Iyelled,pressingmyhandstohischestagain,tryingtomovehimaway.

Jakestoodhisground.“Iguess…”Herestedallhisweightintomyhands,untiltheywereflattened
betweenhischestandmine.Ournosestouched.“IguessI’lljusthavetofuckitoutofyou.I’mokay
withthat.”

Holy…“Ja—”Myprotestwassilencedbyhismouth.

HegroanedasIinstantlymeltedforhim.Icouldn’thelpmyself.IwasexhaustedfightingwhatIfelt,
andInolongerknewwhyIwasfighting.

Givingintastedsweeter.

Hiskisswashard,punishingalmost,butIgaveasgoodasIgot.Iranmyfingersroughlythroughhis
hair,pressingmybodyclosetohis.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme,tighteninghisholduntilthere
wasnospaceatallbetweenus.

Heslidhishanddownmyback,hisfingersslippinginsidemypanties.Hegrippedmybareassinhis
hand,pullingmeintohiserection.Igaspedintohismouthandfollowedhislead,holdingontohimas
Iwrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist.Heliftedmeeasily,seemingtorelishmyheatedresponse.

Hepulledbackfromourkiss.“Tellmeyouloveme,”hewhispered,hiseyessearing.

Iblinkedthroughahazeoflust,myfingerstighteninginhishairasmygazesearchedhis.“Youdon’t
playfair,”Imuttered.

“Ilearnedfromthebest.”

Givinghimasmallsmile,Itrembledatthesoundofthebloodwhooshinginmyears.“I’mscared,
Jake.”

Jaketookafewstepsuntilhefoundthebed.Heslowlyloweredhimselfontoit,takingmewithsoI
straddledhim.Hestrokedmybackincomfort.“Baby,I’mscaredtoo.ButI’mmorescaredoffucking
thisupbecausewecan’tgetoverthepast.”

HewatchedmestrugglewithmydecisionandIcouldseethemountinganxietyinhiseyes.Knowing
thetimeforstubbornnesswasover,Iclosedmyeyesandleanedmyforeheadagainsthis.“Youhave
topromiseyouwon’twalkoutonmeagain.Ever.”

Hisholdonmyhipstightened.“Ipromise.”

Hearing the absolution of his vow, I leaned back to stare into his face. Tenderness, need, want,
affection, adoration… it all moved through me. Gently, I caressed his jaw, my fingers coasting,
drawingfaintpatternsinhisskin.Whenmyeyesmethisagain,everythingIfeltfloodedoutofme
andIwatchedhimsuckinhisbreath.

“I’veneverstoppedlovingyou,”Itoldhimquietly.“WhenIsawyouatthepartylastsemester…it
hurt,Jake.I’veneverbeensohurt.”

“Baby—”

“IneedyoutoknowthisbecauseI’mdecidingtotrustyouagain.”

Henodded,waiting.

“I will never love anyone the way I love you. You’re part of me. You make me feel like I can be
anyone, do anything… but you also have the ability to make me feel weak. You have the ability to
crushmelikenooneelsecan.Idon’tlikethatpartofmyself,Jake,andIhatethatyoucandothatto
me.”

Hisbreathingsoundedalittleunevenashewhisperedback,“Youmakemefeelthesameway.”

Leaningclose,mylipsaninchfromhis,myeyesblazing,Iuttereddarkly,“Good.Ineedtoknowthat
we’reonequalfootinghere.”

In answer Jake caught my lips with his, drawing me into a deep, drugging kiss. He pulled back,
jerkingdownthezipperonhisjeansashetoldmeinavoicethickwithneed,“Weloveeachotherso
wecanhurteachother,butI’mmakingapromise,”hetuggeddownmypantiesandIliftedmyselfup
tohelp,“todoeverythingIcannottohurtyouagain.Iwantthatpromisefromyou.”

Isettledbackoverhim,myunevenbreathingseemingtospurhimon,makinghimhotterandharder
ashisdickbrushedbetweenmylegs.Ibitbackamoan,nodding.“Ipromise,”Iwhimpered.“Jake,I
promise.Iloveyou.”

Heclosedhiseyesforamoment,appearingtosavorit.“Sayitagain.”

Mybreathwhisperedacrosshisear.“Iloveyou,JacobCaplin.”

And just like that, his control snapped. He gripped me by the nape, holding me still for his rough,
desperatekiss.Withhisotherhand,heguidedhimselftomyentrance.Hethentookholdofmyhip
and thrust up into my wet, tight heat. We gasped into each other ’s mouths, our sexual chemistry,
chemistrywe’dneverhadandwouldneverfindwithanyoneelse,overwhelmingus.

“I love you” fell freely from our mouths as we held onto one another, chasing the high of finally
comingtogether,ineverywaywecould.

***

“SothisiswhyIwokeuptoanemptybedandacrypticnote?”Jake’stallfigurecastashadowover
me.

Ismiledupathimfromthepicnicblanket.“Ithoughtweshouldtakethedayawayfromeverything.
You’renotmissinganythingtooimportantinclass,areyou?”

Heshookhishead,anamusedgrinonhislips.

“Well,sitdown,then.”IpattedtheblanketandJakeslowlyloweredhimselfontoit.Hiseyesdrifted
overtheitemsontheblanketandwidenedwithrecognition.Iwaswarmedallthewaythroughfrom
hislaughter.

“Peanutbuttersandwiches,cookies,chips,andtwobottlesofwater.”Hisdarkeyestwinkled.“Justlike
ourfirstdate.”

“Yup.Unfortunately,we’remissingHendrix,butIthoughttheviewmorethanmadeupforit.”

WewereonArthur ’sSeat,thepeakofagroupofhillseastofEdinburghCastle.Itwaspopularwith
hillwalkersandsuch.IwashopingtofinditquietonaFridaymorning,andIhad.Ishould’vebeen
exhaustedafterlastnight.

ButIwasn’t.

IwokeupnexttoJake,excitedaboutthefutureforthefirsttimeinareallylongtime,andIwantedthe
futuretostarttoday.IleftanotetellinghimtomeetmeonArthur ’sSeatateleventhirty.Ithenput
togetherourfirst-datemealandhikedupbeforehimtoprepare.

“Theviewdefinitelymakesupforit,”hemurmured,eyesgluedtomyface.

Itingledalloverbutputitaside.Sexwasalwayseasyforus.Itwastimetoworkontherelationship.
“We never talk about our past. I think we’ve been so scared to bring up the bad stuff that we’ve
forgottenallthegood.Likeourfirstdate.”

“Whenyounamedmytruck.”

Ilaughed.“WhenInamedyourtruck.Andwhenyouteasedmebynotkissingmegoodnight.”

ItwasJake’sturntochuckle.“Iwaswaitingfortherightmoment.”

“AnddecidedEnglishclasswastherightmoment?”

He shrugged. “I wanted it to be a moment you’d never forget, so that no matter what happened
betweenus,you’dneverforgetme.”

“Well,missionaccomplished.It’saprettyamazingkissforanyotherguytoliveupto.”

Jake leaned closer, his expression serious. “And after last night… there are never going to be any
otherguys,right?”

IshiftedcloseenoughIcouldrestmychinonhiskneeandlookedupathimfromundermylashes.
“It’sjustyouandmefromnowon.Nogames.Nowalls.Itoldyou,Iloveyou.I’mlettingthefear
go.”

Iclosedmyeyesatthefeelofhisfingersonmyskinashebrushedmyhairbehindmyear.

“Nogames?”heaskedsoftly.

Myeyesopened.“Yes.”

“ThenIhaveaquestion.”

Iliftedmyhead,butonlytorestmyarmsacrossthetopofhisknees.“Shoot.”

“The nape thing,” his fingers tickled under my hair, brushing gently over the back of my neck,
“what’sitallabout?”

Igrimacedbutdeterminedtobehonest,Isaid,“It’sstupid.”

“Itbothersme.It’llalwaysbothermewhenyoupullaway.”

“Okay.Igetit.”Ismiledunhappilyandforgedaheadwiththetruth.“Youusedtoholdmethatway.I
used to think it was something you did unconsciously, asking me for my entire focus. I loved it. I
thoughtitwashotbutsweetatthesametime.”

Jakefrowned.“Sowhatchanged?”

“The night at Teviot… the night you chased me out of the bar, asking me to give you a chance to
apologize…”

“Yeah?”

“ThereasonIranoutthatnightisbecauseIturnedaroundandIsawyouwithMelissa…yourhandon
hernape,holdingherthewayIthoughtyouonlyeverheldme.See?Stupid.”

Wewerebothquietasthewordsdancedontheairbetweenus.Finally,Jakeexhaled.“Ican’tfixthose
mistakes,Charley.EventhoughitkillsmethatI’vedonethingstohurtyou,meantornot,Ican’ttake

themaway.Ican’tundoit.ButIcanpromiseyouthis…noonewillevermeantomewhatyoudo.”
Hiseyestookonafarawaylook.“WhenIfirstmetyouatthebonfire,IwasfreakedoutbywhatIwas
feeling.Iwasnearlyseventeen,Icouldgetgirls,I’dbeenwithafew,soIwascockyandarrogantand
hadnoplanstodateagirlexclusively.”HechuckledandIgrinnedasIrememberedourfirstmeeting.
“You were kind of intimidating at first, but then you were funny and unconsciously sexy. I’d never
metagirllikeyouandI’dnevermetanyonewhoIconnectedwithsoquickly.Attheendofthatparty,
Iknewthateverythinghadchanged.Icouldn’tgiveashitaboutanyothergirl.Iwantedtogettoknow
youbetter.”Hissmilewasalittleshy.“Iwantedtodeservetogettoknowyou.”

I blinked back tears at the memories, reassuring Jake with a small grin when he saw the wet in my
eyes. “Those six months with you were the best I’ve ever had in my whole life. It’s like… I don’t
know, I’m just so relieved to be able to look back on them now and remember falling in love with
youwithoutfeelinglikeoneofusdied.”

Jakenoddedsolemnly.“That’showIfelttoo.”

“Wedon’thavetofeelthatwayanymore.We’vemadeitthrough.”

Jakecuppedmyfaceinhishands.“I’mneverlettingyougo,”hemurmuredhisvow.“Evenifyoutry
tomakeme…neveragain.”

Inuzzledintohistouch.“Rightbackatyou,Caplin.”

Jake laughed, pressed a soft kiss to my lips, and pulled back to stare down at the picnic. “Are we
goingtoeat?I’malittlehungryafterallthatmakingupwedidlastnight.”

“Mmm,metoo.”Ihandedhimasandwich.“Ishouldbeexhausted,butI’mnot.”

Hegrinned.“I’lljustneedtotryhardernexttime.”

“TryanyharderandIwon’tbeabletowalkafterwards.”

Welaughedandcontinuedtoeatinperfect,comfortablequiet.Scrunchingupmysandwichwrapper,I
settledonmybackandstaredupatthecloudysky.“Youwerekindofbossylastnight.”

“Yeah.Youdidn’tseemthatupset,though,”hepointedout.

“Nah, I wasn’t. That was just you asserting your dominance in a pre-evolutionary kind of way.” I
rolledmyheadontheblankettomeethisgaze.“Ijustwentwithit,butyoushouldknowIwouldnever
havegiveninifIwasn’tabouttoanyway.”

“Yeah?” He caressed me gently, trailing his fingertips along the bare skin peeking out between my
sweaterandthewaistbandofmyjeans.

Ishiveredathistouch.“Hmm…yes.”

“Ah, I see how this is,” he whispered, drawing invisible circles on my skin. “You think you’re in
chargehere.”

“Iamincharge,mister.”Itwould’vesoundedalotmoreconvincingifmybreathhadn’thitched.

“We’lljustseeaboutthat.”Hepluckedatthetopbuttononmyjeans.

“Jake,don’t.”Icoveredhishandswithmine.“Someonemightcomeuphere.They’llseeus.”

Hesmirked,brushingmyhandsaway.“Comeon,Supergirl.Bebrave.”

“Jake…”Ilostmybreathcompletelyatthefeelandsoundofhimtuggingdownmyzipper.Mybelly
flippedashiswarmhandslidinside,slippingbeneathmypanties.“Jake…”

“Ssh.”Hewasleaningovermenow,hiseyesonmyfaceastwoofhisfingersfoundmyclit.“Just
feelit.”

I bit my lip, everything else in the whole world disappearing but Jake and the sensations swelling
throughme.Iarchedmyhipsintohistouch.

“Doyourememberthatnightinmytruck?”hisvoiceraspedinmyear.“Halloween.Ido.Iremember
everysecond.I’dneverbeensoturnedoninmylife.”

“Iremember,”IwhimperedasIgrewwetfromthememoriesandhistouch.

“DoyourememberthefirsttimeIwentdownonyou?”

“Uh-huh…”Ipushedintohishand,seekingmore.

“Doyourememberthefirsttimeyousuckedmeoff?”

“Mmm.”

“Doyourememberhowhardyoumademecome?”

“Yes, yes, yes…” My whole body tensed and soon I was climaxing in jerky shudders around the
fingershe’dslippedinsideme.

AsIcamebacktoearth,Jakezippedmyjeans.

Meltedagainsttheblanket,Istaredintohisgorgeousfaceinadaze.“Whatwasthatfor?”

“That,”hesmirked,“waspunishmentfortakingyoursweettimetellingmeyoulovedme.”

“Um…Ihatetotellyouthisbutthatkindofpunishmentisn’tgoingtodetermefrompissingyouoff
inthefuture.”

Jakelaughed.“Ididn’tthinkitwould.Luckyforme,Igetoffonthepunishment.”

“You’rehard,”Isaid,feelinghimagainstmyhip.

Hiseyesdarkened.“Asarock.”

“It’syourfaultfortalkingdirtyandgettingmeoffinapublicplace.”

“SoItakeitthatmeansyou’renotgoingtotakecareofme?”

Myeyeswidenedatthesuggestion.“IamnotdoingthatonArthur ’sSeat.Youcanwaituntillater.”

Jakebrushedhislipsovermine.“You’reacruelwench.”

Chuckling,Ipushedhimoffme,pressinghisbacktotheground.“Down,boy.”Ilaidback.“Nomore
sexystuffrightnow.”

“Okay.I’llbegood.”Heputhishandsbehindhisheadandstaredatthesky.Afewmomentslater,he
said,“You’resomethingspecialtome,CharleyRedford.”

IfeltaflutterinmychestasIrememberedhimsayingthattomeonourfirstdate.“You’resomething
specialtometoo.”

“Yeah?”

“Ihaven’tletanyoneelseputtheirhandsdownmyjeansontopofahillinScotland,youknow.”

“Well,that’sarelief.Idoliketobeoriginal.”

Igiggled.“Youarecertainlythat.”

“Thepressureisnowon,though,tofeelyouupwhenyouleastexpectit.”

“Icandealwiththatkindofpressure.”

“Yousaythatnow,butwaituntilIgiveyouanorgasminthecampingsectionofadepartmentstore.”

“Youjustruinedthatlocation.NowI’mexpectinganorgasminthecampingsectionofadepartment
store.Youtookthespontaneityoutofit.”

Jaketsked.“I’lljustneedtocomeupwithsomewhere—”

“Sexier?”Isuggested.

“Whatisnotsexyaboutatentinadepartmentstore?”hehuffed.“Whohaveyoubeendatingandwhat
hashebeenteachingyou?”

“Justsomeguywhowasallromanceandpicnics.”

“Hesoundslikeatool.”

“Meh,hehadhismoments.Wedidhavesomeprettyamazingsexinhispickup,though.”

“Ah,well,”Jaketurnedhisheadtosmileatme,“thatIcando.”

Ashismeaningsankin,Ifeltarushofgiddiness.“YoustillhaveHendrix?”

Henodded.“Istoppeddrivingit…well…becauseitremindedmeofyou,butmydadkeptitinhis
garage.”

I turned on my side, even more excited about going back to the States now. “The first thing we’re
doing when we get to Chicago is taking your truck out, finding a secluded park somewhere, and
rechristeningthatbaby.”

Jakegrinned.“HaveItoldyouIlovehowyourmindworks?”

“Weshouldprobablyhavedinnerwithyourfolksfirst,though,huh.”

“Andthenyouruinedit.”Herolledhiseyesinmockdisgust.

Smiling,Ileanedinclose.“Butyouloveme.”

Hemadeaface.“Whotoldyouthat?”

“SometoolIknow.”

Jakelaughed.“Youknowalotoftools.”

“Nah.”Ishookmyhead.“Justtheone.”

Smilingintomyeyes,Jakesighed,seemingmorehappyandrelaxedthanI’dseenhiminalongtime.
“I’mlookingforwardtogoinghome,butI’malsonot.”

“Howdoyoumean?”

“We’vegotthesummerandthenwe’rebacktoschoolindifferentstates.”

Islumpedatthethoughtbutsaid,“We’reonlythreehoursaway.”

“That’slongenoughtokillme,”hemuttered,brushingthebackofhishandaffectionatelyacrossmy
cheek.

“It’sjustoneyear,”Ipromisedhim.“Andwe’llmakethemostofit.I’llcomeseeyouoneweekend,
youcomeseemethenext.We’llmakeitwork.”

“You’reright.”HepulledmeintohisarmssoIwassnuggledagainsthim,myheadonhischest.“But
fornow,let’sjustenjoythis.IthoughtIwashappywhenyoudecidedtogivemeasecondshot…but
nothingcomparestothis.”

“What?Talkingnonsenseandeatingpeanutbutter?”Iteased.

“Exactly.”Hekissedthetopofmyhead.“We’reJakeandCharleyagain.Olderbutnolessimmature.”

Igiggledandburroweddeeperagainsthim.“Isn’titawesome.”

11

WestLabayelle,November2013

Edinburgh was laid out before me. As I looked out over the cityscape from my perch on Arthur ’s
Seat,huggingmyarmsaroundmyselfagainstthebracingwind,Ifeltcontent.Atpeace.

Theairwassocrisphere,fresh,aliveinawayIcouldn’texplain.I’dneverfeltmoreawake.

“Doyoumissit?”

Startled,IlookedovermyshouldertoseeJakewalkingtowardme.“Missit?”Iaskedashecametoa
stopandtookmyhand.

Hewassowarm.

“This.”Henoddedtotheview.“Andthis?”Hetuggedonmyhand.

Ismiled,confused.“HowcanImissit?It’srighthere.You’rerighthere.”

Jake looked at me with his soulful eyes, his countenance too grim for such a beautiful day, such a
beautifulmoment.“AmI?”

Thesadnessinhimcausedmealarm.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

Heleanedintome.“Openyoureyes,Charley.”

“They—”

“ForGod’ssake,openyoureyes!”heyelledandIflinched,closingtheminsteadagainsthisattack.

WhenIopenedthem,hewasgone.

Edinburghwasgone.

Istumbled,discombobulated.Myeyessweptmysurroundings,takinginthetrees,allthegreen,and
all…thegravestones.Itrippedoverone,leaningonittorightmyself.

Thenameengravedonthegraystonefrozemetothespot.

AndreaDeliaRedford.

“No,”Iwhispered,fallingtomyknees,myhandsrubbingoverthelettersasifIcouldmakethemgo
away.

“Youcan’t.”

MyheadjerkedupandIlookedatmymother,standingoverme.“Mom?”Ilickedthetearsfrommy
lips.

“Youcan’tmakeitgoaway.”

Ishookmyhead.“No.Thisisn’treal.”

Momcockedherheadinthoughtandthenpointeddowntherowsofthegravestones.Tearsglistened
inhereyes.“Itfeelsreal.”

Ifollowedhergaze.

AblackgravestonewiththeengravingCharlotteJulianneRedford.

Mylipsfeltnumb.“It’snotreal.”

TheairshiftedaroundmeandMomloweredherselfbesideme.Shehadflowersinherhand.Sheput
afewonAndie’sgraveandthenafewontheonenexttoit.Myeyesflewtotheheadstone.

SophiaRobertaBrown.

“Grandma?”

Momnodded.“Sheunderstandsme.”

“Idon’t…I’msoconfused.”

Misunderstanding me, Mom gave me a sympathetic smile. “We couldn’t lay you to rest together,
sweetie.YouandAndie.Notaftereverything.Itwouldbehypocritical.”

“What?”Igasped.“We’renotdead!We’renotdead!”

Herfacecloudedover.“I’msickofthis.Youhavetofaceuptoyourmistakes.”Shefrowned.“What
isthatnoise?”

Whatnoise?

“Do you hear it?” She stood and stamped her foot. “This is a cemetery! What is with that incessant
noise?”

“Mom?”Iwatchedherstrideaway.“Mom?”

Istopped.Icouldhearittoonow.Iwhirledaround,lookingforthesource.WasthatBastille?

THISISTHERHYTHMOFTHENIGHT!

MyeyesslammedopeninthedarkandIgaspedforbreath.

Ittookmeamomenttocomeoutofthedreamandrealizewhathadwokenmeup—theringtoneon
my phone. Lunging across my bed, I whacked my hand off the corner of my bedside table before

snatchingtheglowingphone.Isquintedagainsttheblurofsleep-foggedeyesandtensedatthecaller
ID.

Jake.

WhywasJakecallingmeat…fiveinthemorning?

Too tired to fight, too unsettled to deal with whatever it was he was planning to throw at me after
weeksofradiosilence,Iignoredhiscallandrolledbackover.

Secondsafteritstoppedringing,itstartedagain.

Huffing,Igrabbeditbackup.ThistimeitwasLowe.

DidJakereallythinkIwasthatstupid?

Islammedthephonedownandclosedmyeyes.

Itstartedringingagain.

“JesuseffingChrist,”Ihissedandsnatchedupthephone,readytodeclinethecallwhenInoticedthe
callerIDnowsaidDenver.

Worryinstantlyshotthroughme.Denvernevercalled.

“Hello,”Ianswered,hastilysittingupandleaningovertoswitchonmylamp.

“Charley,it’sme,”Denversaidquietly.“We’resorrytobecallingsolate,early,whatever,butwe’re
lookingforBeck.”

Hearingtheconcerninhisvoiceinstantlyquadrupledmyown.Denverwasprettylaid-back.Ifhewas
worried,thentherewascauseforworry.“Ihaven’tspokentoBeckinweeks,”Itoldhim.“Notsince
Lowe’sparty.NeitherhasClaud.”

“Areyousure?Charley…Beck’sdaddied.AndnowBeck’smissing.”

“OhmyGod.”Iclosedmyeyes,feelinganachedeepinmychest.

FromwhatI’dgatheredfromClaudiaandJake,Beck’smomanddadsplitalongtimeago.Becklived
withhismomandastepdadhedidn’tgetalongwith,andhevisitedhisfatherwheneverhecould.His
dadlivednotfarfromwhereJake’sparentssettledinChicago.Hewasamusicianwholivedoffthe
royaltiesofacoupleoffamousradioandTVjingles,buthewasaragingalcoholicandnotthebest
rolemodel.

“WetriedtocallClaudiabutshe’snotpickingup.”

“I’llcheck,”Itoldhimsoftly.“Justgivemeasecond.”

Iputonmyslippersandrobeandhurriedoutofmyroom,downthehalltoClaudia’s.“Claudia,”I
knockedloudly.

ThedooropenedafewsecondslaterandIwassurprisedtoseeherawakeandsoalert.Myeyesdrew
pasttoherbedandIstilledatthesightofBecklyingsprawledoutacrossit.Hewasfastasleep.

Claudiaslippedoutoftheroom,andfollowedmebacktomine.

Ipickedupthephonebeforeshecouldsayanything.“He’shere,”ItoldDenver.

“ThankGod.”

Ijerked,surprisedtohearJake’svoice.“Jake…”

“I’mcomingforhim.Keephimthere.”

HehungupandIstaredatthephoneasecondtoolong.

“ThatwasJake?”Claudiaasked,hervoicealittlehoarse.

Inoddedandslumpeddownonmybed.“WhendidBeckgethere?”

Sheranashakyhandthroughherhair.“Heturnedupatthedooraboutone.Hewashammeredand
crying—” She choked on the word as she rubbed at her eyes. “Oh God, Charley. How do I handle
this?Helosthisdadandheneedsmebut—”

“Therearenobuts.”Idrewherinforahug.“You’dhateyourselfifyoudidn’tgivehimthecomfort
heneeds.”

Myfriendclungtome.“Iknowyou’reright.ButI’mscared.Howselfishisthat?”

“It’snotselfish,”Ipromisedher.“It’snatural.ButClaud…theworstthingintheworldjusthappened
tohimandyou’retheonepersonhesoughtout.”

SheprocessedthisandIfeltherarmstightenaroundme.

***

Although Claudia was skipping class, she insisted I go to mine. I decided not to argue with her
becauseIthoughtitmightbebestifshespentthedayalonewithBeck.She’dmanagedtogetthestory
out of him before he passed out in her arms the night before. His dad’s death was completely
unexpected—aheartattack.

Whatmadeitworsewasthathe’dbeendeadforalmosttwenty-fourhoursbeforeaneighborcalled
policebecausehisstereowasplayingloudlythroughthenight.ClaudiasaidBeckwasagonizingover
thefactthatifthemusichadn’tbeenplaying,itcould’vebeendaysbeforeanyonefoundhisdad.

Heblamedhimselffornotvisitingenough,fornottryingtotakebettercareofhim.

Guilt.Blame.ThosewerethingsIwasprettyfamiliarwithlately,andI’dbethereforhim,nomatter
his connection to Jake or our history. Honestly, though, it was pretty clear by his presence in West
LafayettethatBeckonlywantedonepersontoseehimthroughthis.

Despite Claudia’s misgivings, despite her resentment, I could see her concern for Beck overtaking
everything.ShefoundstrengthIdidn’tthinkIcould’vehadtoseethebiggerpicture…andjust…be
thereforhim.

Ilefthermakinghimthehomemadesoupshe’dfinallyperfected.

I had one class in the morning and I didn’t register a word of it. Afterward, I hurried over to the
librarywhereIsplitmytimeworkingonmythesisandstudyingfortheLSATs.Myexamwasonlya
week away but my mind wandered, and by the time I walked across campus to my law and society
class,I’dprocessedabouttenminutesofworkinall.

EveryfiveminutesIglancedatmyphoneincaseClaudiatextedbutIheardnothing,soIsatthrough
class,foottappingimpatiently,waitingforittoend.AllIwantedwastohurrybacktotheapartmentto
checkonmyfriends.

Finally,ourprofessordismissedusandIstuffedmynotebookinmybag,preparingtorunbacktothe
apartment.However,Alexstoppedmeinmypath.

Hehadattemptedtohangoutwithmewheneverhecould.Heaskedconstantlytotellhimwhatwas
wrong,butIneverconfidedinhim.Iknewhewasfrustratedbuthekeptatit,tryingtobethereforme
eventhoughIwasamiserableasshattobearound.

Gofigure.

“Icalledyouthismorning.Youdidn’tcallback,”hesaidingreeting.

Iwincedapologetically.“Sorry.I’mnothavingagreatday.Imeanttocallbut…”

“Oh?”HeheldthedooropenandwewalkedoutsideintothecoldNovemberair.“Icanhelpwitha
badday.”

“How?”

“Wafflesandchocolatemilk.”

Ilaughed.“Nottequila?”

“Puhlease,”Alexscoffed.“Thatshitisforpussies.”

Chuckling,Inodded.“You’reright,thathelped.”

“Charley!”

Iblinked,jerkingmygazefromAlex’saffectionateonetoacrossthelawn.Hurryingtowardmefrom
thesidewalkwasClaudiaandJake.Thebreathwhooshedoutofmeatthesightofhim.

ItwaslikeIwasarecoveringaddictandI’djusttakenmyfirsthitinyears.Therushoffeelingthat
floodedthroughmeheldmefrozen.

“Charley!” Claudia yelled again, running up the stairs toward me. Her eyes flicked to Alex. “Hey,
Alex.Sorry,Ihavetoborrowherimmediately.”Shegrabbedmyarmandhauledmedownthesteps
towardJakebeforeAlexcouldevenopenhismouthtoprotest.

HerfranticbehavioryankedmeoutofmyJakefog.“What’sgoingon?”

Jakeshovedahandthroughhishair.Itwasreallygettinglongnow.“Beck’sgone.”

“Gone?”IgapedatClaudia.“Howdidthathappen?”

Sheshookherhead,herchestrisingandfallinginshallowbreaths.“Hewasfine.Imean,notfine,but
he had some soup and he was sobering up. He wasn’t talking but he was sitting with me and I
thought…anyway,heeventuallysaidheneededsomeaspirinandwedidn’thaveanysoIranoutfor
someandwhenIgotback,JakewasthereandBeckwasgone.”

Irubbedhershoulder,tryingtosootheher.“Takeabreath.Hecan’thavegottenfar.Infact…”

“Infactwhat?”Jakeaskedimpatiently.

Iignoredhistone.“Mybet?He’soutsomewheregettinghammeredagain.Andsincehe’sonlybeen
hereoncebefore,itwouldmakesensethathe’dtrytofindsomewherefamiliar.”

Claudiathrewherhandsupinannoyance.“I’msostupid.He’satTheBrewhouse.”

“Ithinkit’sworthcheckingout.”

Some students were kicking around The Brewhouse but not a lot given that it was afternoon. The
gorgeous,tragic-lookingrockercertainlystuckout.

Becksatonabarstool,headbowed,handonhishead,theotherwrappedaroundaglassofscotch.

“He’shittingthehardstuff,”Imurmured.

“Wouldn’tyou?”Jakesaid.

“I’mnotreallyintonumbingmypainwithself-medication.”

“That’s probably because you have a high pain threshold,” he muttered dryly. “Some of us actually
havefeelings.”

Iblinked,feelingmycheeksheatwithhurtandanger.

Claudia threw me a sympathetic look as Jake pushed past to get to Beck. I waved her off and she
hurriedafterhim.Trailingattherear,IreachedthemasBecktoldJaketogofuckhimself.

“Beck,youdon’twanttodothis.”Claudiapressedinonhisotherside,herarmslidingaroundhim.I
watchedashisbodyinstinctivelymovedintohers.“Drinkingisn’tgoingtohelp.”

“Isn’tit?”Heshookhisheadandthatacheinmychesthurtharderthanbeforeatthepaininhisvoice.
“Iwasashittyson.Iwasn’tthereforhim.Ishould’vebeenthereforhim.”

“Beck,”Jakesaid,“hewasn’texactlyfatheroftheyear.Youcan’tblameyourself.”

“Seriously?”Beckswungaroundtoglareathim.“He’sfuckingdead,man.”

Thiswasgettingusnowhere.

IgentlynudgedJakeoutofmyway.“Beck.”Itookholdofhisglassandforcefullytuggeditoutof
hisgrasp,scotchspillingoverthesides.“Igetit,”Itoldhimquietly.“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatanyone
says,orthereasonswhyyoudidn’tseeyourdadalot.Thefactsareyoudidn’t.Thefactsarehedied
and you never got a chance to fix everything between you.” His eyes clung to mine, dazed and
desperate.“Igetit.Theguilt.Theblame.Believeme,Igetit.Youdon’tlikeyourselfsomuchright
now.Youwonderifyoueverwill.Well,youdon’tknowtheanswertothat,butIdoknowyou’renot
going to find it in a glass.” I leaned into him, clutching hold of his hand. “I can’t promise you
anything and I’m not going to give you platitudes—you’ve got to work out all those feelings
yourself.ButIcantellyouthatyou’vegotthreefriendsherewhowilldoanythingtheycantohelp
yougetthroughthis.Anythingbutwatchyoudrinkyourselfunderatable.”

Oureyesseemedtoholdforalongtime,adeepunderstandingpassingbetweenus.

Finally,Becknoddedandmadetostandup.

IfeltJakeandClaudiarelaxalittle.ClaudiatuckedherselfintoBeck’ssidesohecouldholdontoher.
JakepaidBeck’stab,andwewalkedbacktotheapartment,shroudedinBeck’sgrief.

***

The mug of coffee felt soothingly warm between my hands. I curled my legs underneath me and
stared out our balcony window, wishing I wasn’t feeling the hush of grief fill every space in the
apartment.Itdidn’tseemsolongagoIwassuffocatingunderthatfeeling.

“He’ssleeping,”Jakesaidashewalkedintothelivingroom.Ifollowedhimwithmyeyes,somehow
unabletolookawayafterweeksofbeingdeprivedofhim.“Claudia’sstayingwithhim.”

Inodded,unsurewhattosay.AnangrytensionradiatedoffJakeandIknewIwaspartlytoblamefor
that.

Jakeyawnedandcollapsedintothenearestarmchair.

Thesilencebetweenusgrewsteadilyhardertodealwith.

“Listen—”

“HisdadwasfromSanFrancisco,”Jakecutmeoff,hisvoicebrittle.“HisfavoriteplacewasBaker
Beach.”Helookedatmedirectlyforthefirsttime.“Hewantsthefourofustotakehisdad’sashesout
there.Aroadtrip.”

IfeltsickwithnervesatthethoughtofgoingonaroadtripwithJake.

As if he sensed my instant dislike of this plan, he smirked unhappily. “You were the one who
promisedhimwe’ddoanything.”

DidhethinkI’dbreakthatpromisejustbecauseIdidn’twanttobesubjectedtoJake’sangerandmy
ownlonging?“I’lldothisforhim.”

“SowillI.”

Ilookedaway.AroadtripwithJake.

Beautiful…justbeautiful.

“What you said to him,” Jake said, his tone a little softer, “is that what you’re going through right
now?”

Ididn’tknowwhatwasworse,hisangerortheconcerninhisvoice.MorethananythingIwantedto
confideinJake,andonlyJake.Funny,howhewasactuallythelastpersonthatIcouldconfidein.

“I’m hungry. I’ll order pizza.” I got up and walked past him, my face perfectly blank. “Pepperoni,
right?”

12

BareelonaApril2013

OurhotelwasinthecenterofBarcelonaonPlaçadeCatalunya.Aspromised,Claudia’smotherhad
hookedusupwithfirst-classplaneticketsandthehotelwascoolandmodernwithFrenchwindows
thatofferedamazingviewsovertheplazaandthecity.IsharedaroomwithClaudiawhiletheguys
sharedaroomnextdoor.

Wewereallexcitedandreadytoexplorethecitythatnight.Beforewe’dgottenontheplane,Claudia
hadaskedmetositwithhersoshedidn’thavetositwithBeck.Icouldn’tunderstandwhyshewanted
himthereifsheplannedtoavoidhim,butIwasgoingwithitforhersake.Beckwasn’tgoingwithit.
He’dinsistedonsittingwithherandwhenI’dglancedacrosstheaisle,Isawhewaslisteningquietly
toherasshetalkedaboutherparents.Shewasawreckaboutmeetingherrealdadandnomatterwhat
herheadwastellingher,IknewherheartwastellinghersheneededBeck.

Iguessedwhenitcounted,hewasthereforher,whichmadeitdifficulttobemadathimforbeinga
part-timeass.

JakeandIsattogether,discussingalltheplaceswewantedtovisit—LeSagradaFamília,ParkGüell,
MountTibidabo,BarcelonaCathedral,CasaCalvet,GaudíHouseMuseum…

Therewassomuchtosee,weknewwecouldn’tcramitallin.Butwe’dcertainlytry.

“Tomorrow’sthebigday.”IsmiledreassuringlyatClaudiaasIshimmiedintomybestskinnyjeans
for dinner that evening. The next day we were going to be taking Claudia to meet Dustin at his
apartment.Fromthefewemailsthey’dexchanged,ClaudhaddiscoveredDustinlivedinanareaofthe
city called El Raval. Apparently it was popular with artists and musicians and creative types. He’d
givenushisaddress,warningusthathis“quirky”apartmentbuildingdidn’thaveanelevatorandhe
livedonthetopfloor.

Claudiaseemedtoignoremycommentasshezippedherdress.

“Claud?”

Shesmiledatme.“YouandJakearesogoodtogether.It’samazingtoseeyouthishappy.Hasyour
dadspokentoyouyetaboutpossiblygivingin?”

Ifrownedatthesubjectchange.“We’reinBarcelona…foryou.I’dreallyrathertalkaboutthat.”

“And I really rather wouldn’t. I feel like I’m going to upchuck. I spent the whole time on the plane
talking to Beck about meeting Dustin and now I just want to try to forget about tomorrow’s life-
changing moment and enjoy this beautiful city tonight with my good friends.” Her chin jutted
stubbornly,almostdaringmetodefyher.

“Fine.Ifthat’swhatyouwant.”Ipulledonalightcardiganovermythintee,notknowinghowchillyit
mightget.“Thingsarestillbad.AndAndieandIstillhaven’tspoken.We’veneverbeenthisangryat

eachotherorforsolong.”Irubbedahandovermychestunconsciously,rightoverthespotwhereI
achedeverytimeIthoughtofthediscordbetweenmysisterandme.

“Andthecopthing?”

Igrimaced.“We’restillbuttingheads.ItoldthemI’mnottakingtheLSATs.”

“That’s pretty much taking a stand.” Claudia grinned. “I’m proud of you for going for what you
want.”

“It’slikethishugeweightoffmyshoulders,Ican’tevenexplain.Imean,canyouimagine?Intheend
Iwould’vemadeaterriblelawyer.”

“Actually,Icanimagineyouasalitigator.It’sallaboutchampioningsomeone.Orprosecutingabad
guy.That’syouthroughandthrough.WhyamItakingtheLSATsagain?”

Imadeaface.IhadnoideawhyClaudiawassittingtheLSATsbutthatwasaconversationforanother
time. “Being a lawyer is stuffy suits and papers, and I’m more of a polyester-uniform-and-action
girl.”

Claudiasnorted.“Okay,true.”

Theknockatourhoteldoormademegrin.Claudiasmirked.“What?”IaskedasIstrodetowardthe
door.

“Nothing.”Shelaughedlightly.“I’vejustneverseenyoulikethis.”

“Likewhat?”

“Allgiddyandlovedup.It’scute.”

IknowshesaidittoannoymesoIdidn’tgiveherthesatisfaction.InsteadIopenedthedoortoreveal
mygorgeousboyfriendandhissexybestfriend,andIgrinned,refusingtogiveupthegiddy.“Hey,
handsome.”

“Hey,yourself.”Beckflashedmeawickedsmilebeforebrushingpastintotheroom.Hislow-lidded
eyessweptoverClaudia.“Lookin’good,babe.Howyoufeeling?”

“Like I don’t want to talk about my father tonight.” She grabbed her purse and looped her arm
throughBeck’s.“Let’sjusthavefun.”

Jakewrappedhisarmaroundmywaist,andIleanedintohimashegavemeasmolderinglook.“Ican
dofun.”

“Mmm,”Iagreed,standingupontiptoestopressasoftkisstohislips.

“Andofcoursewehavetoputupwiththesetwo,”Claudiaremarkedbehindus.“Wemayneedvomit
breaks.”

“Ohyeah,”Becksaiddryly.

JakeandIignoredthem.

“I can’t believe we’re in Spain and we’re eating at the Hard Rock,” Claudia said loudly over the
music,makingaface.

Ilaughed,notatallputout.Frankly,Iwaslookingforwardtomycheeseburgerandfries.

We’d stepped out of the hotel and started walking east, only to discover the Hard Rock Café on the
plaza.

Claudiahadshakenherheadatourpleadingeyes.“No,Iwanttoexplore.”

“We’llexploreoncewe’refed.”I’dgrabbedherwristandpulledherinsidethecafé.

“Could we be any more American right now?” she said before taking a feisty bite out of an onion
ring.

“I like it.” I leaned back against the diner-style seat and Jake draped his arm across my shoulders.
“I’mstartingtogetalittlehomesick.”

“Metoo,”BecksaidashewatchedClaudiachewpetulantly.Itwassoclearfromthesoftlookonhis
facethathethoughteverythingshedidwasadorable.

Stubbornass.

“Well,onlysevenweeksuntilwe’rebackhome,”Jakeremindedus.

“Andthenwehaveallsummer.”Igrinned.“Iwonderwhatwecouldgetupto.”

“IfI’mgoingontourwiththesecreeps,”ClaudiagesturedtoBeck,“you’recomingtoo.”

“Uh-uh, no way.” And I meant it. “I’m spending time with my family and Jake this summer, not
paradingfromstatetostateasaroadie.ClosequarterswithMatt?Idon’tthinkso.”

Jakesnorted.“Idon’tblameyou.”

Claudgloweredatme.“ButyousaidIshouldgo.”

“Andsoyoushould.”Ilaughedatthehorrifiedlookonherface.“You’llhaveBeckandLowe.And
Denver ’snotentirelyterrible.”

“Idon’tthinkthatmakesupforclosequarterswithMatt.”

Becklaughed.“Shemayhaveapoint.”

IchuckledatthewayClaudia’seyesbuggedout.

“Allright,I’mdefinitelynotgoingnow.”Shepinchedherlipstightandshookherhead.

“Ithinkyou’reallunderestimatingMatt,”Isaid,tryingnottolaughandruinmydefenseofhim.“I
thinkunderneaththefrat-boyattitudeisanice,misunderstoodyoungmanwithawkwardsocialskills.
Whoknows,Claudia…maybetheonehasbeenunderyournosethewholetime.”

“Matt?Theone?HeonceaskedmeifIwasshaved.”

“Hedidwhat?”Becklookedathersharply,histonenotatallhappy.

JakeandIexchangedaknowinglook.

ClaudiashifteduncomfortablyunderBeck’sdirectstare.“Hewasreallydrunkandbeingmoreofan
idiot than usual. He did apologize later…” Her voice trailed off at the gathering thunderclouds in
Beck’seyes.

HefinallyliftedhisangrygazetolookatJakeacrossthetable.“Canyoubelievethatdick?What’sthe
matterwithhim?”

“YouknowMatt,”Jaketreadedcarefully.“Hesaysshitwithoutthinking.”

“Yeah,well,IthinkheandIneedtohaveatalk.”

“Beck,don’t.”Claudiascowledathim.“It’snobigdeal.Ishouldn’thavementionedit.”

“Hecrossedtheline.”

“Yes,andheapologized,”IreiteratedforClaud.“Anddon’tpretendyouhaven’tdoneassholeythings
whenyou’vebeendrunk.”

Beckgrunted.

Itwastimeforasubjectchange.“IwasjusttellingClaudiaItoldmyparentsthatI’mnottakingthe
LSATs.”IglancedatJakeforhisreaction.

Hiseyeslitupwithaffection.“Proudofyou,baby.”

“Didtheyhittheroof?”Beckasked.

“They’renothappy,butIthinktheyrealizethey’renotgoingtowinthisone.”

“Well,then…”BeckgrinnedandliftedhisCokeintheair.“ToCharley,ourfuturesexycop.”

Weraisedourglasses,clinkingasClaudiaandJakecheered,“ToCharley.”

***

Wehadafunnighteventhoughwegotalittlelost,walkingdownonenarrowcobblestonestreetand
thenextandsomehowendingupontheonewe’dstartedouton.Eventually,weendedupgrabbinga
cab and the driver in his broken English recommended a club called Moog. All wood, iron, and

smoke, the place was packed. It wasn’t really our scene, but Claudia wanted to dance her troubles
away.

Idancedwithherwhiletheguysskirtedtheedgesoftheroom,beersinhand,butwewereprettysoon
pressedinuponbyotherguysandgirlsandbeforeweknewit,JakeandBeckwereonthedancefloor
withus,keepingthewolvesatbay.Theydidn’tdance,justkepttheireyesonusandshooedoffany
guys who attempted to get near us. Claudia didn’t seem to mind. In fact, I think she enjoyed
tormentingBeckwiththegorgeousnessthatwasadancingClaudia.

AndBeckdefinitelylookedtormented.

I’dfeelsorryforhimifitweren’tself-inflicted.

Wegotbacktothehotelprettylate,buzzedandfullofenergy.Itwasdisappointingtobethatbuzzed
andnotbeabletounravelitallwithJakeinprivate,butIwantedtobethereformyfriend.

So we went into our separate rooms, and lying in bed, I talked with Claudia about everything and
nothinguntilshefellasleep.

Collectivelywe’dkepthercalmandtakenhermindoffmeetingDustinforaslongaswecould.But
now, the morning after, as the four of us walked the twenty-minute journey to Dustin’s apartment,
Claudiawassoquiet.JakeandIweremorethancompetentwithamap,sowegottherewithoutany
wrongturns.ButwhileJake,Beck,andIsoakedinthefactthatwewereinBarcelona,staringupatthe
apartmentswiththeirwroughtironbalconies,ontheirquaintnarrowstreets,smallboutiquesbeneath
them,Claudiawastoolostinsideherownheadtotakenotice.

AswesteppedontoDustin’sstreet,IstrodeforwardandgrabbedClaud’shand.“We’rerightherewith
you,”Iremindedher.

Herbreathinghadgrownshallowandbythetimewewalkedupthecramped,darkstairwelltothetop
floor,shewascompletelyoutofbreath.

Iheldherhandalittletighteraswestoodoutsidethedoor.“Justbreathe.”

Herfrightenedeyesmetmineandshenoddedslowly,pullingairinthroughhernoseandexhaling.
JakegavehershoulderasqueezeandBecksteppedclosebehindher,leaningdowntopressakissto
hertemple.

“You’llbefine,”hemurmuredreassuringly.

Claudiastaredatthedoor,atremblingsmileonherlips.“Thanks,guys.”

Sheknocked.

A few seconds later, the door swung open. Staring out at us was an attractive forty-something guy
withadark,grayingbeardandpiercinggreeneyes.Claudia’seyes.Heworelightslacksandaloose
linenshirtrolledupatthesleeves.Hisfeetwerebare.

HiseyessweptoverusbeforecomingtoastoponClaudia.Hetookadeepbreathandgaveherasoft
smile.“Claudia?”heaskedwithanEnglishaccent.

Wide-eyed and more nervous than I’d ever seen my vibrant, confident friend, Claudia nodded.
“Dustin?”

Hesweptanarmoutgesturingustoenterashesteppedbackfromthedoor.“Please,comein.”

WeusheredherinsideandDustincameforwardtogiveheranawkwardhug.“Youlooksomuchlike
yourmother.”

“ButIhaveyoureyes.”

“Thatyoudo.”Hissmilewasalittleuncomfortable.Hebrokeeyecontactwithhertostareatus.“And
theseareyourfriends?”

“Yeah.Thisismybestfriend,Charley,andherboyfriendJake,andthisismyfriendBeck.”

“Well,nicetomeetyouall.YoumustallbesuchgoodfriendstobehereforClaudiatoday.”

“Weare.”Inodded,sizinghimup.

Evenmoreuncomfortableundermyscrutiny,Dustinlaughednervouslyandwalkedfartherintohis
apartment.

He had the whole top floor to himself, the space like a loft apartment. Lots of light streamed in
throughthewindowsandIcouldseeinthefarcornerwashisstudio.Whateverhewasworkingon
wascoveredup,butpaintsmatteredthefloorandwalls.Akitchenranhalfthelengthoftheadjacent
wallandinthecenteroftheroomwasamassivecornersofaandcoffeetable.

Myeyesstoppedabruptlyonthesofa.

Therewasawomanonit.

“Uh, I hope you don’t mind, but I invited my girlfriend Pedra to join us,” Dustin said, hurrying
toward the woman. She stood up and eyed Claudia grimly. Pedra was younger than Dustin. A lot
younger.Tall,olive-skinned,pretty,withdarkeyesandhair,shelookedlikeamodel.

“Ibroughtmyfriends,soIunderstand,”Claudiasaid.Shesteppedforward,holdingherhandoutto
Pedra.“It’snicetomeetyou.”

PedralookedatherhandandIthoughtforaminuteshewasn’tgoingtotakeit.Sheeventuallydidbut
her grip was loose and the action reluctant. “You have his eyes,” she said, somehow managing to
soundflatinhermusicalSpanishaccent.

“Yup.”Claudiathrewmealookthatclearlyscreamed,“Help!”

“Whydon’twesit?”Isteppedforward,gesturingtothesofa.

“Right, right, of course.” Dustin watched us take a seat. “Can I get you all anything? I have water,
herbaltea,andafewbeers.”

“I’lltakeabeer.”BecknoddedcongeniallyandInoticedPedra’seyesswingtohimandstick.Typical.

“I’ll have a beer as well, thanks.” Jake leaned back against the couch, his arm around my waist,
restingonmyhip.Hisgriptightened,tellingmetorelax,butIcouldn’t.

Thissituationwastooimportant.

“Water,please,”Isaid.

“Metoo.”Claudiagavealong,shakysighthatDustindidn’tevenseemtonotice.Iwasguessinghe
wastoonervous.

Whenwewerefinallysettledwithourdrinks,theconversationcontinuedtobestiltedandawkward.
However, slowly, as smiles became less tremulous and laughter less forced, Claudia and Dustin
touchedonmoreseriousissues—suchasherparentageandthefactthatherparentshadaskedDustin
tostayaway.

Pedra sat tense throughout the entire thing, her lips pinched into a sour, disapproving look. I
wonderedifitwasbecauseshedidn’twanttogiveupthespotlighttoadaughter.

It was clear that despite both needing people there for backup, neither Claudia nor Dustin were
comfortablediscussingthewholesituationwithusintheroom.Wetalkedaboutcollegeinsteadand
Dustintoldusabouthisartworkandhisupcomingshow.Itwasclearthatartwashislife,hispassion;
ittotallyconsumedhim,turninghimfromthisnervousguyintoaprettyintenseone.Heinsistedwe
shouldgotoPlaçaSt.JosepOriol,asquareintheGothicQuarternotfarfromourhotelwherewe
couldviewamazingartworkfromsomeofthebestlocalartists.

Afterafewhours,Claudiasaidquietly,“Well,Iknowyou’rebusysowe’llgo,butIthoughtmaybe
wecouldhavedinner,justthetwoofus,whileI’mhere.”

“Of course.” His seemed genuinely happy and I felt a spark of hope for Claudia. “I’d love that.
Tomorrow?I’llmakereservationsatElPintorandemailyouthedetails.”

“Ihavemyphone.Doyouwantmynumberinstead?”

“Yes.Letme…”Hestood,lookingaroundthespacewithafurrowbetweenhisbrows.“Letmejust
findmyphone…”

“Isawitonthebathroomsink,”Pedramuttered,scowlingatClaudia.

UsuallyClaudiawouldscowlbackbutIknewshewasplayingnice,soIscowledforher.Asifsensing
mystare,Pedralookedatme,andwhatevershesawonmyfacemadeherlookquicklyaway.

Iprobablylookedmurderous.Itwasthemommabearinme.

DustinreturnedwithhisphoneandtookClaudia’snumber,promisingtotexthersoonwiththedetails
oftheirdate.Hegaveheranotherawkwardhugandweleft.

Assoonaswesteppedoutsidethebuilding,ClaudiasaggedintoBeck’ssideandhewrappedhisarm
aroundherwaist.“Youokay?”heasked,concerned.

Sheshrugged.“Itwasn’tsobad,right?Heseemsnice?”

“Heseemsreallynice,”Jakeassuredher.

“Dinner will be better.” I smiled. “Just the two of you. It’ll be less uncomfortable without listening
earsandBitterPillPedra.”

Claudlaughedshakily.“Yeah,whatwasthat?”

“Ignoreher.Youdidn’tcomehereforher.YoucameforDustinandheseemsreallyhappytomeet
you.”

She grinned, finally relaxing. “He did, didn’t he? Ahh,” she exhaled. “Let’s go explore and get
somethingtoeat.I’mstarving.”

***

Theguysknockedonourdoorhalfanhouragototellustheywerereadytofacetheday,butClaudia
andIhadjustwokenup.Wepromisedtomeetthemforbreakfastatacaféacrosstheplazaandthen
rushedaroundthehotelroomtogetready.

Aswedidso,ClaudiachattedaboutDustin.

Something niggled at me about how well things were going for her with her real father. Perhaps it
was the cynic in me, or maybe I was terrified of my friend getting her heart broken, but it took
everythingwithinmetonotwarnhertobecareful.Ididn’twanttoruinthisforher.

Wedressedinshortsandtanktopssincewe’dwokenuptoaparticularlyhotdayandheadedalongthe
plazatomeetJakeandBeck.

“So,Dustinsayshewantstopaintme.”Claudiasmiled.Thoughhereyeswerecoveredwithoversized
sunglasses,Icouldhearexcitementinhervoice.

“Wouldyoudothat?”

“Sitforhim?Yeah.Hewantstodoaportrait.”

“Well,you’rebeautifulandhe’sanartist,ofcoursehedoes.”

“Yeah,butalso,I’mhisdaughter,”sheadded,alittleindignantly.

“Ofcourse.Ijustmeant…ofcoursehe’dwanttodrawyou,daughterornot.”

Shegrimaced.“Ithinkhemighthavepaintedmymothernude.Iaskedifhepaintedherandhegotall
shiftyanduncomfortable.”

Ilaughed.“Oh,hedefinitelypaintedhernude.”

Claudshuddered.“Mymother.Thedisloyalmuse.”

Wecrossedtheplazatowardthecafé.“Haveyouspokentoyourmomsinceyougothere?”

“No,”shesnorted.“Myparentsarepretendingthisisn’thappening.”

Typical.

“Well,myfolksemailedlastnightaskingaboutyou.Theyhopeeverything’sgoinggreatwithDustin
andsaidthattheyloveyou.”

“Iadoreyourparents.Doyouthinktheywouldadoptme?”

Iwould’veansweredbutIwastoobusystaringacrossthestreetatthecafé.Sittingatatableonthe
sidewalkwasmyboyfriendandBeck.Theyweren’talone.TwogirlsweresittinginmyandClaudia’s
seatsandJakeandBeckwerelaughing.

Somethingunpleasantpinchedmychest.

IfeltanudgeatmyshoulderandturnedtolookatClaudia.

Sheliftedhersunglassesofftomeetmyeyes.“Hey.Youokay?”

Isighed,glancingbackattheflirtinggirlsandourflirtingidiotmalecounterparts.“JakeandIarein
agreatplace,butIthoughtthewholejealousythingwasbehindme.ButIseethatgirl,laughinginto
his face, and he’s not doing much to put her off and I want to kill him. He was like this in high
school.”Iwrinkledinmynoseinannoyance.“Andheusedtoaccusemeofbeingaflirt.”

“Youareaflirt.”

Ifrowned.“Iamnot.”

“Oh,please.Youcan’tevenhelpit.”

“Well,whataboutyou?”Iwavedahandinthedirectionofthecafé.“Doesn’titbotheryouanymoreto
seeBeckflirt?”

ItwasClaudia’sturntoscowl.“We’refriends.Andgirlsflirtwithhim.Ifwewereanythingmorethan
friends,I’dhavetogetusedtothatfact.Justlikeyouhavetogetusedtothefactthatyourboyfriendis
hotandIhatetosayit,babe,butsinceyoutwogotbacktogether,there’sthislightaroundhim…it’s
totallyattractive.”Shepattedmeontheshoulder.“Iguessyou’veonlygotyourselftoblameforthe
hotseñoritaflirtingwithhimrightnow.”

Igroaned.“Okay.Sohowshouldweplaythis?Cool,unaffected…orpissedoff?”

“Let’sbegrown-upsandplayitcoolandunaffected.YouknowJakelovesyou.Youdon’tneedtobe
jealous.Ever.”

Ishovedthehorriblefeelingawayandletrationaletakeover.“You’reright,”Iagreed,studyingher
carefully.“Whendidyougetallwiseandmature?”

Claudiatiltedherchinupinthought.“Hmm…Ithinkit’safairlyrecentdevelopment.”

“Ilikeit.”

“We’llseehowlongitlasts.”

Laughingather,Ifollowedasshecrossedthestreettowardthecafé.Jakecaughtsightofusandwhen
oureyesmet,Ifeltourconnectionzingthroughmeasalways.Iraisedaneyebrow,noddingmyhead
towardthegirlnexttohim,butIworeasmilesohe’dknowIwasn’tmad.Anymore.

He shrugged and then tapped Beck on the arm. Beck looked over, his eyes instantly moving to
Claudia.Hestraightenedinhischair.Jaketurnedtothegirlsandsaidsomething.Whateveritwas,it
hadthemlookingoveratuswalkingtowardthem.Thegirlsgaveuscuriouslooksbutgotoutofour
seats,wavingflirtygoodbyestoourboys.

Afewsecondslater,weroundedthetableandassoonasmyasswasinthechair,Jakewrappedhis
handaroundmyneckandpulledmeinforaslow,sweetkiss.IsmiledsoftlyasIpulledback.“Good
morningtoyoutoo.”

“Soooo…” Claudia drawled, relaxing back in her chair. “This is what you guys do with your time
when we’re not around. Flirt with gorgeous Spanish girls? It’s a little unfair. If we’d known, we
would’vetakenupwiththosetwohotguysonmopedswhoaskedusifwewantedaprivatetourofthe
city.”

Ilookedatherwithbotheyebrowsraised.

Shesmirked.“Guessitdidn’tlastlong,”shesaid,referringtoherwisdomandmaturity.

I laughed, shaking my head. When I looked at Jake, he had an annoyed furrow between his brows.
“Guys?Mopeds?”

Ishovedhimplayfully.“Claudia’slying.”

I thought his expression would clear but now Jake looked worried. “The girls just came over. We
didn’tinvitethemtosit.”

“Youaresowhipped,”Beckmuttered,reachingforaglassofcoldorangejuice.

Unamused,Iglaredathim.“Jake’sdatingme.I’mfreakingawesome.Ilovehimandhe’sgettingit
regularlyanditismind-blowing.Evenifheiswhipped,he’ssittingalotprettierthanyourightnow.”

JakeandClaudiaburstoutlaughingandBecksmirked,hiseyesfilledwithmirthastheymetJake’s.
JakepulledmychaircloserandIturnedtofindhisfaceinchesfrommine.Hiseyesdancedhappily.
“You’re wrong. You’re not freaking awesome. You’re freaking phenomenal.” He brushed his nose
alongsidemine.“Aboutthatgetting-it-regularlything,”hewhisperedagainstmymouth,“Imissyou.”

I missed him too. We hadn’t slept together since we’d gotten to Barcelona. Three nights might not
soundlikealotbuttheywerealotafterhavingsleptwitheachothereverysinglenightinthepastfew
weeks.

“You know what I’m thinking,” Claudia said loudly, bringing our attention back to her. She was
smilingatBeck.“I’mthinkingyouandIshouldspendthedaytogether.Leavethesetwotobeallicky
andinlove.Icoulddowithabreather.It’snauseating.”

Iknewshewasteasingbutthatsoundedlikeanamazingidea.

Beckgrinnedbackather.“You’reon.”

“I’mgoodwiththat,”Jakemurmuredinmyear.

AshiverrippleddownmyspineandIfeltmybodyrespondtothepromiseinhisvoice.

Sufficeittosay,weshoveleddownalightbreakfastwithClaudiaandBeckandsaidahastygoodbye.
Jakepracticallydraggedmebythehandallthewaybacktothehotel.Whentheelevatordoorsshut,
hewasonme,pressingmeagainstthewall,kissingmevoraciously,likehecouldn’tgetenough.

Ipantedashehurriedoutoftheelevatorandalongthecorridortomyroom.Wegotthedoorclicked
openandshutandJakeyankedoffmytanktopandquicklypulledhisownshirtoff.Iunbuttonedmy
shorts and shimmied out of them as Jake divested his jeans and then I was in his arms again,
sprawlingoverhimashetookustothenearestbed.

Jakegroanedasmysearchinghandsfoundhimhotandhard.HekissedmeasItouchedhim,sliding
hishandsaroundtounclipmybra.Hepulledbackasitfellawayfrommychestandhewhispered,
smirking,“Wehavesuchgoodfriends.”

Ilaughedinagreement,thesoundsoonswallowedupinhishot,deepkiss.

***

“Itoldyou,I’mnotgoing.”Ishookmyheadstubbornlyandstaredatthepostersandstreetartlining
thesidewalk.

Jakelaughed.“It’snotinuse.Theydon’tdothatanymore.”

“I’mnotgoingtoLaMonumentalandthat’sthat.”Ishothimawarninglookandhegaveahuffof
incredulouslaughterbutshutup.

Itwasdayfive.ClaudiahadleftusanhouragotogoseeDustinagainandBeckhaddecidedtogive
JakeandIsomealonetime.Honestly,Ithinkhewasjustsickofourhoneymoonphase.WhileBeck
washappilywanderingthestreetsofBarcelonabyhimself—ornotbyhimself,asIknewhoweasyit
wasforhimtopickuprandomgirlsonhistravels—JakeandIwanderedthestreetsofBarcelonain
theoppositedirection.

We’dwanderedabouthalfanhournortheastofthehotelandwereclosinginonthefamousbullring,
La Monumental. Jake was right. The bullring hadn’t been used as such since 2011 after Catalonia
bannedbullfighting,butstill,Ihatedtheideaofitallandwasn’tinterestedinseeingtheplace.

“Youaresoobstinate,”Jakesaid,throwingmeasmallsmilesoI’dknowhewasn’tirritated.

“YoubetyourassIam.”Iflashedhimacheekygrin.“Goodluckwiththat,bytheway.”

“You’reluckyIlikemywomenstubborn.”

“Yourwomen?”Isnorted.“AmIpartofyourharem?”

Hepulledaface.“What?Youthoughtyouweretheonlyonewhoappreciatesallmyfineness?”

“AreyoutakinglessonsfromMattonhowtotalktowomennow?”Ichuckled,takingaholdofhis
handtomovehimawayfromthetouristystuffforsaleonthesidewalks.

“Ithinkhistechniqueisflawless,”Jakereplieddeadpan.“Everydaymymancrushgrowsstronger.”

Remembering Beck’s reaction to Matt’s “technique” with Claudia, I winced. “I think he might be in
trouble with Beck when we get back to Edinburgh. That guy is… I have no words. He’s so
overprotectiveandpossessive.Suchanoblivioustool.”

Jakeclearedhisthroat.“Actually…”

I stopped in the middle of the street, tugging on his hand so he’d stop avoiding eye contact.
“Actually?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. I just… I think Beck is more aware of how he feels for Claudia than you
realize.He’sgothisdemons.ButhecaresaboutherandIthinkhe’smaybecomingaround.”

Myeyesnarrowed.“Doyouknowsomething,JacobCaplin?”

“Charley,Iloveyou,buttherearesomethingsIcan’ttellyou.”

Nosyandcuriousanddesperatetogivemyfriendwhatshewanted,itdidn’tsitwellwithmethatJake
maybeholdingtheanswersandthekeytoClaudia’sfuturehappiness.However,Iunderstood.“Girl
code,”Igrumbled,“butforboys.”

“Exactly.”

“Ah,Igetit.”Isnuggledintohisside.“Maybe,justincase,though,weshouldsetthemupfordinner
alonetonight?IknowClaudiahadafantasticdaywithhimyesterday.”

“Whydon’twejustletthemsortthemselvesout?Theydidthatfavorforus.”

Ifrowned.“Stopbeingright.It’sthrowingmeoffbalance.”

Helaughed,pullingmeclose,andwewalkedbacktothehotelinperfectcontentment.

WewerewaitingfortheelevatorwhenIcaughtsightofafamiliarfigureoutofthecornerofmyeye.
I turned to see Claudia striding into reception and my breath was knocked out of me by her
appearance.

Hereyeswerebloodshot.Shehadnocolorinhercheeks.Worse…Therewassomethingsodesolate
inherexpressionthatIfeltpanicked.“Claudia!”Icalledout,myvoicetrembling.

Sheglancedoveratmeinsurprise,herfeetabruptlystoppingtheirmomentum.

Andthensuddenly,sherushedtowardme,herfacecrumplingassheimpactedwithme.Iwrappedmy
armsaroundherasshesobbedintomyneck.MyarmstightenedasIlookedoverherheadatJake.We
exchangedworriedlooksandasilentmessagethatweneededtogetClaudiasomewhereprivate.

Igotherintotheelevator,Jakeshadowingusprotectively.Itriedtoaskwhatwaswrongbutshejust
keptcryingthesedeep,shuddering,heartbreakingsobs.

JakeletusintoourroomandIsettledheronachair,crouchinginfrontofher.

“Claudia,pleasetalktome,”Ibegged.

She hiccupped as she tried to control the tears. I waited patiently for her to pull herself together
enoughtolookatme.Jakehandedhertissuesandsheblottedatherface,fingersshaking.

“Dustin…”hervoicecracked,“afterbeingsocoolandexcitedaboutus…hetoldmetodayhecan’t
do it.” Her tears fell silently now. “He doesn’t want the responsibility of being a dad and he thinks
anythingelseisjustconfusing.Hethinksit’sbestwedon’tseeeachotheragain.”

SONOFABITCH!

Furyshotintomybloodandittookahugeamountofself-controlnottomarchoutofthatroomand
goandhuntdowntheweakpieceofshit.

Anotherman.Anotherparent…rejectingher.Ihatedthemsomuchfordoingthistoher.

“Claud,”Iwhispered,reachingforherhand,“Iamsosorry.”

Sheshookherhead.“Don’tbe.Ishould’veknown.IgotmyhopesupandIshouldhaveknown.”She
startedcryingagainandIreachedforward,pullingherintomyarms.

“Ssh,”Iattemptedtosootheher.“It’sokay.It’sgoingtobeokay.Weloveyou,babe.Youdon’tneed
them.”

Herarmstightenedaroundme.“Idon’twanttobehereanymore,”shesobbed.

Jake’s expression looked as murderous as I was sure mine was. He stepped forward and I read his
body language. I gently eased Claudia out of my arms and Jake took my place. Claudia clung even
hardertohim,soakinghisT-shirtwithhertears.

Hestrokedherhairincomfort.“We’llgetyououtofhere,”hepromised.

13

Iowa,November2013

My parents were surprisingly okay with my announcement that I’d be missing out a few days of
schooltodriveacrosssixstateswithJake,Beck,andClaudia.IthelpedthattheLSATshadpassed.I
wasn’tsurehowitwent.OneminuteIwassureI’ddoneokay,thenextIwasfilledwithdoubt.

Thatwaskindofathemeformyliferightnow.

Anyway, I’d have accompanied Beck on this quest to find peace over his father ’s death even if my
momanddadhadbeenagainstit.Apromisewasapromiseandmyfriendneededme.Myparents…
theyactuallyunderstood,however,andeveniftheyhadreservationsoverJake’spresence,theydidn’t
bringitup.

That’s how, almost two weeks after Beck arrived on our doorstep, I found myself in Jake’s dad’s
borrowedSUVwiththeaforementioned.Iwasnervous.Beyondnervous,especiallyafterJake’scold
attitude toward me last time I’d seen him. However, I was determined to mask my nerves with cool
silenceandtheoccasionalsmart-assremark.

Claudia and I had gotten the shuttle from Purdue to O’Hare and Jake had picked us up from there.
Beck had gotten out and helped us with our bags and then promptly sat in the back with Claudia,
leavingmetohaulmyassupintothepassengerseatbesideJake.

Awkward didn’t even cover it. I said hello and was surprised to get a perfectly nice greeting back.
However,silencefellalmostimmediatelybetweenus.ClaudiaandBeckspokequietlyinthebackand
every time I looked in the rearview mirror, they were sitting close, heads together. Beck seemed
better than he had before. Claudia had been chatting to him almost every day and now that he had
focus,somethingtodo,hewascopingwithhisfather ’sdeathbetterthananyofuscould’veexpected.

IthelpedthatClaudiawasinhislifenow.Iknewitdid.

Ihadtowonderaboutthat—aboutClaudia’sintentions.ItwassuchadelicatesubjectIhadn’twantedto
bringitupincasewestartedarguingaboutit.Yet,Iwascurioustoknowwhattheirbehaviorwithone
anothermeant.HadClaudiadecidedtogivehimashot?

ImusedoverthisinsilenceasJakedroveusdowntheI-80W.We’ddriventhroughIllinois.Muchof
the snow that had fallen a few days ago had been cleared and was disappearing, so we made good
time.We’dbeendrivingforaboutthreehourswhenwehitDavenport,Iowa.

“Peebreak?”Jakeasked.

“Yes,please,”Claudiasaid.“Ididn’twanttobeatotalgirlandaskbutmybladderhasbeenreadyto
burstforthelasthalfhour.”

Iglancedbackather.“That’sbecauseyoudrankalmosttwobottlesofwater.”

“It’swarminhere.”Sheshrugged.

IeyedBeckandthefactthathisleftsidewasgluedtoherright.Ofcourseshewaswarmbackthere.

“I was thinking we could stop for something to eat in Des Moines and then stop somewhere near
Lincolnforamotel,”Jakesuggested.

Inodded.“You’redrivingsoyoushoulddecide.That’sawhiletobebehindthewheel.”

Heshruggednow.“Abouteightandahalf,ninehoursintotal.”

“Wecanstopbeforethen.”

“Well,weleftChicagoateighto’clock.It’sjustcomingupforelevennow.We’llgettoDesMoines
aboutonethirty.Breakforanhour.WeshouldgettoLincolnbyfive.I’mcoolwiththat.”

“Soundslikeaplan,”Beckagreed.

IwasconcernedJakewasgoingtobeexhaustedconstantlyonthistrip.“Icantakeoverdrivingifyou
want.”

Hesurprisedmebyshootingmeasmallsmilebeforeturninghisattentionbacktotheroad.Where
hadthemoody,snappyversionofJakegone?“Noworries.Beck’sonmydad’sinsurance.HeandI
willalternatedays.”

Jake pulled over at a gas station in Davenport and we got out to see to our needs. Afterwards, as
ClaudiaandIwerewashingourhandsinperhapstheworld’snicestgasstationbathroom,shesaid,
“YouneedtostarttalkingtoJakeorthisroadtripisgoingtobebeyondawkward.”

Igrinnedather.“IthoughtyouweretoobusycozyingupwithBecktonoticewhatwasgoingonin
thefrontseat.”

Shemadeaface.“No.YouandJakeareactinglikethere’saplateofsoundproofglassbetweenyou.I
washopingyoucouldatleasttrytogetalong.”

“We’vebeenperfectlypleasantwithoneanother.We’renotgoingtowhisperineachother ’searsand
brush one another ’s hands and press up against each other like you and Beck—all of which is
questionablebehaviorandnotethatIamkeepingmynoseoutofit.”

Claudiasnorted.“That’syoukeepingyournoseoutofit?”

I rounded my eyes in mock innocence. “What? I didn’t ask one question about you and Beck and
whetherthismeansyou’regoingtostartseeingeachother…”

Heranswerwastopunchmeinthearmlikeafive-year-oldandpranceoutonahuff.IthinkIstrucka
nerve.

Smirking, I followed her out and into the gas station where we bought some snacks to tide us over
untilwehitDesMoines.

KeepingClaudia’scommentinmind,Iattemptedtomakesmalltalkwithmyex-boyfriendaswegot
theshowbackontheroad.

“Itwasgoodofyourdadtoletyouborrowhiscar.”

“It’ssaferthanmostvehicleswecould’veaffordedtorent.Dad’sborrowingmom’swhilewe’vegot
this.”

Iopenedabagofpotatochipsandofferedthemtohim.Hetooksome,eatingone-handed.“Howare
they?Yourfamily?”

Hefinishedmunchingandshotmeaquizzicallook.“They’refinebutisn’tthatthequestionIshould
beaskingyou?”

“Ibelieveyou’vealreadyaskedthatquestion.”

“Idid.Twomonthsago.”

Ishothimadrolllook.“Let’sjustsaynotmuchhaschanged.”

“Iwouldn’tknow.Younevertoldmehowthingsweretobeginwith.”

I sighed. Apparently Jake and I couldn’t do small talk. Hoping a little music might quell the tense
silence,Ireachedovertoturnontheradio.Unfortunately,Jakehadtheexactsameidea.Ourfingers
brushedandafrissonofelectricitysparkedbetweenus.Wesnappedourarmsbackatthecontact,and
Ihurriedlyglancedoutthewindow,willingtheheatcoursingthroughmetocool.

Justlikethat,mywholebodywasawareofhim.Iwasawareofeverytimehishandsshiftedonthe
wheel,everylittlesoundhemade,orwhenhe’dlookintotherearviewmirrortoansweraquestion
from Claudia or Beck. That awareness had me stealing glances at him. Little glances, little stolen
snapshotsofhisenviouslylongeyelashes,ofthetwolittlefrecklesonhisleftearlobe,ofhislarge,
masculinehands,oftheslightlyfullerlowerlipthathadfascinatedmesinceweweresixteen…

Iwasfloodedbymemories.

Thosememorieshurtallover.

Clenchingmyhandsintofistsincasetheyreachedouttoinvoluntarilytouchhim,Itriedtoremember
atimewhenJakewasn’tapartofme,butthememoriesofwhenhewaswerejusttoooverwhelming.

TheywonandIlost.ButI’dgottenreallygoodatpretendingthatwasn’ttrue.

***

TherewerenowordstodescribehowhappyIwastogetoutofthecarwhenwereachedDesMoines.
BeckwasinthemoodforlunchatIHOP,soJakeusedhisdad’sGPStofindusthenearestone.Ittook

usoffourmainroute,butassoonasBeckmentionedit,Icouldn’tstoppicturingpancakes,waffles,
scrambledegg,bacon,andmaplesyrup.

Butmostly,Iwasjustgladtobeleavingtheworldofawkwardsilence,stiflingtension,andunspoken
words.

Thefourofusslidintoaboothand,afterweordered,Irememberedthelasttimethefourofusdined
outonatriptogether.

Thingshadbeensodifferentbackthen.Hardtobelieveitwasonlyalittleoversevenmonthsago.

“Okay,let’splayagame.”ClaudiagrinnedatBeckandJakeacrossthetable.Inotedthemischievous
twinkleinhergreeneyes.

“Dowehaveto?”Iasked.

“Yes,GrumpyBetsy,wedo.”

Isnorted.“GrumpyBetsy?”

Claudiawavedoffmyteasing.“Nevermind.Anyway,BeckandIplaythisgameallthetime.”

“MaybeIHOPisn’tanappropriateplaceforagameyouandBeckplay,”Jakeofferedslyly.

Ilaughedbecausehe’dbeatenmetoit.

Oureyesmet,hissmilingintominelikeheknewexactlywhatIwasthinking.

“Get your minds out of the gutter,” Claudia scolded. “It’s not like that. The game is you choose a
couple, or two friends or whatever, who are eating out together and you have a conversation for
them.We’llshowyou.”Sheglancedaroundtheroomandthensurreptitiouslypointed.“There.”She
gesturedtoayoungcouplewhosatwiththeirelbowsonthetable,leaningalittleacrossthedistance
sotheycouldspeakinloweredvoices.“Beck.”

Helookedatthecoupleandsmiled.“Baby,yousmellbetterthanapplepieandtastebetterthanmaple
syrup.”

Igroanedbutgrinned.

Claudiagaveanexaggeratedsighofhappinessasthegirltiltedherheadtotheside,causingherhair
tofallawayfromherneck.“It’smynewperfume.It’scalledEaudeIHOP.”

WelaughedandClaudianudgedme.“Yourturn.YouandJake.”

Andthat’swhenIunderstoodherplanwiththisstupidgame.“Idon’tknow.”

“Ah, c’mon, it’ll pass the time,” Jake encouraged. He pointed across the restaurant to an elderly
couple.Althoughitwascoldoutside,itwasn’tfreezing,butbothwerewearinglayeruponlayer.The

woman,wearinganuglymulticoloredhat,waseatingquietly,whileherhusbandateandtriedtoread
thenewspaper.Hisfacewasbentlowoverthepaperashechewed.

Thewomanlookedathimoverherspectaclesandstartedtospeak.

Ismiled.“Couldyougetanyclosertothatpaper?Aretherenakedwomeninitorsomething?”Ifilled
inforher.

Asthemanreplied,Jakesaid,“Iftherewere,Iwouldn’tknowit.LasttimeIsawanakedwoman,I’d
justhelpedousttheNazisfromHolland.”

IcouldhearClaudiaandBecklaughingbutImanagedtostayinthegameasthewomanapparently
snapped something at her partner. “Don’t remind me. I had to get a cream for the itch you brought
back.”

TheoldermanpeeredupfromhisnewspaperandJakesaidinhisstead,“I’dtreasurethatmemory.
It’sthemostdaringthingthateverhappenedtoyou.”

Ichokedonachuckleandrepliedasthewomantappedahandonthenewspaper.“That’sit.Youbetter
startlookingintheclassifiedsforyourownplace.”

Themandidn’tsayanything,buthetookabiteofomeletashelookedatthewoman.Hestartedto
speakandJakeansweredwith,“Ithinkyou’llfindit’smynameonthedeedtothehouse.”

ThewomanleanedoverthetabletohimandIsaid,“IfIleft,youwouldn’tknowwhathityou.Doyou
thinkjustanybodywouldwashoutyourskidmarksanddealwiththeglassesoffalseteethyouleave
lyingaround?”

“Ugh,”Claudiagiggled.

“Me? You think I’m hard to live with?” Jake replied. “What about all those ceramic owls you got
lyingaroundthewholehouse?Ican’tmoveaninchwithoutwalkingintoadamnceramicowl.And
don’tgetmestartedonthepotpourri.”

IshotalookatJakeandmouthed,“Potpourri?”

Hegrinned.

Lookingbackatthecouple,Iwatchedasthewomandugintoherbreakfastbutcontinuedtospeakto
theman.“IfIdidn’thavepotpourrieverywhere,thehousewouldsmellofcigarsandfeet.”

“Don’tstartinonmeaboutmycigars,woman,”Jakesnappedasthemanwavedhisforkathiswife.It
reallydidlookliketheywerearguingaboutsomething.“Mycigarsmaskthesmellofthatdamnpot
pourriandchicken.Don’tyouknowhowtocookanythingelse?”

“Howaboutarsenicandapplepie?”Iansweredinmockanger.

Thetwodidn’tsayanythingforafewsecondsandthenthemanpattedhiswife’shandandshegave
himasmallsmile.

“Icandealwiththepotpourriandchickenifyoucandealwithmycigarsandteeth,”Jakesaidquietly.

Asthewomannoddedandreplied,Isaid,“Sure.Andtonight…I’llletyouleavethelighton.”

“Aw,sweetheart,that’srealniceofyoubutIthinkwe’dbothgetonbetterwiththelightoff.”

Our eyes met at that, Jake’s twinkling with laughter, and I found myself giving into that laughter,
feelingitforthefirsttimeinaslongasIcouldremember.Bythetimethefoodarrived,thetension
betweenushadeasedandwedugintoourfood,ourfoursomejokingandchattingaboutmeaningless
thingsandenjoyingthepeaceofthemomentarydistractionfromallthemeaningfulthings.

ItriednottomeetClaudia’ssmug,satisfiedgaze.

***

The drive from Des Moines to Lincoln, Nebraska, was about three hours, give or take. The light
chitchatfromtherestaurantcarriedoverandthehoursseemedtopassfasternowthatJakeandIcould
talkwithoutstumblingoverthebigstuff.

WefoundacheapmotelinLincolnjustofftheI-80.WegottworoomsandJakesaidhewastakinga
napbeforedinner.ClaudiaandIhadjustdumpedourthingsintheroomwhensheturnedtome.

“I’dlikesometimealonewithBeck.Willyoubeokayonyourown?”

I studied her a moment, trying to understand what was going on. Finally, I said, “Of course I’ll be
fine.ButI’vegottoask—”

“I don’t know,” she cut me off abruptly, throwing her hands up in the air. Her beautiful eyes
shimmered with emotion. “I really don’t know. All I know is that I’m the one person who can lift
Beck’s mood. I’m the one person he can talk to about anything… and these last few weeks…” Her
expressionseemedtopleadwithme.“Charley,he’slettingmein.ForthefirsttimeIreallyfeellike
he’slettingmeallthewayin.Andlife’stooshort,right?Webothknowthat.”

Itwasn’tthatIwasn’thappyforher.ItrulybelievedsheandBeckweremeantforoneanother.ButI
alsobelievedthattherewasatimeforeverythingandIwantedtomakesureshewasdoingthisforthe
rightreasons,andthatshewasreadyforit.“Andeverythingfrombefore…thereasonyoudecidedto
walkawayfromhimforgood.You’veworkedallthatout?”

Claudia blew air out between her lips, looking a little lost. “If I’m honest, no. But I’m starting to
wonderifIgoonthewayIam,I’llalwaysfindanexcusenottotrustsomeone.IfIdon’tseewhere
thisisleading,ifIdon’ttry,I’llregretit.”

“AndWill?”Isaid,remindingheroftheTA.

Shelookedalittleashamedasshesaid,“IbrokethatoffafewdaysafterBeck’sdadpassed.”

Iraisedaneyebrow.“Youkeptthatquiet.”

“IknewifItoldyou,you’dmakeassumptionsaboutwhat’sgoingonbetweenmeandBeck.”

“Assumptionsthatwouldturnouttoberight.”

“Charley, you wanted me to see Beck in this light for a long time. I need you to support me in
whateverhappenshere.”

“Ido.”Ipulledherinforahug.“Ialwayswill.ButBeckisgoingthroughthishugeemotionalupset
rightnowandIjustdon’twantyoutogetchewedupinit.”

Claudiaheldmetight.“Hewantedtotrysomethingseriouswithmebeforehisdaddied,remember?”

“Yes. It’s the only thing stopping me from grabbing your hand and running a million miles away
from him while he’s going through what he’s going through.” I stepped back and gave her a small
smile.“I’mherenomatterwhat.Whydon’tIgocheckoutthebarwhileyouguystalk?”

Shesmiledgratefully.“Youwouldn’tmind?”

“Notatall.”

Ileftmyfriendtoitandmademywayacrossthelottotheon-siterestaurantandbar,mymindon
Claudia and Beck. I did want it to work out for them, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t terrified for
Claudia.She’dbeendisappointedbysomanypeoplewhoweresupposedtoloveher.Ididn’tknowif
she could take any more disappointment, and I was only ninety percent sure that Beck would
remembereverythingshe’dgonethroughandtreathercarefullywhilehedealtwithhisowndemons.

Totallylostinthought,I’donlytakentwostepsinsidethealmostemptybarwhenmyfeetfaltered.A
blondwomansatinprofileatthebar.

“Andie?”Iwhisperedindisbelief.

MyheartslammedsohardIthoughtitwasgoingtolaunchitselfoutofmychest.Sweatslickenedmy
palmsasmybodyfrozetothespot.

Thenjustlikethat,theblondturnedtosmileatthebartender.

Itwasn’tAndie.

Ofcourseitwasn’t.

Howcoulditbe?

TearsprickedmyeyesandIstubbornlyshovedthembackasImarcheduptothebarandslidintoa
stool.

“I’m going to need to see some ID.” The middle-aged bartender smiled kindly at me. He was tall,
broad-shouldered, and he looked like he could handle himself. He also looked like he wasn’t born
yesterday.ThankGodIwastwenty-onenow.

IgavehimmyIDandhesliditbacktome.“WhatcanIgetyou?”

IglanceddownthebaratthewomanI’dmistakenformysister.“I’llhaveascotchontherocks.”

Heseemedbemusedbymychoicebutdidn’tquestionit.“Anybrandinparticular?”

“Surpriseme,”Imuttered.

Hegrinnedandsetaboutmakingmydrink.

Afterahalfhourofnursingit,thebartenderapproached.Sensinghimhovering,Ilookedup.

Heshrugged.“Sorry,I’vegottoask.”

“Askwhat?”Isippedatthelastofmydrink.

“Why a pretty twenty-one-year-old is drinking scotch in my bar while looking like the world just
ended.”

Istaredatthiscuriousstranger,thispersonwhohadnotiestome,nopreviousdealingswithme,and
thusnounderstandingorexpectationsofme,either.AndIfoundmyselfreplying,“Imissmysister.”

Hiseyessoftenedandheleanedonthebar.“That’srough.”

“Haveyougotfamily?”

“TwobrothersinColorado.Theygotwivesandawholebunchofkids.Idon’tseethemmuch.”

“Doyoumissthem?”

“Sure,Ido.”

“Youshouldreallyvisitthemwhileyoucan,”Iofferedsagely.

Hisgrinwassad.“Wehadafalling-outacoupleofyearsback.Thingshaven’tbeenthesamesince.”

Emotioncloggedmythroat.Itookmytimechokingitdown.“You’dthinkthatwouldbeallthemore
reason,butsometimesit’slikeyougetfrozen,likeyoucan’tmoveormakeadecisioneitherway.Is
thathowyoufeel?”

Henodded,eyesfilledwithunderstanding.“Yeah,that’showIfeel.”

“Doyouthinkyou’llevergetpastit?”

“IexpectImight.Oneday.”

“Whatdoyouthinkwillmakeyoudoit?Makeyougoseethem?”Idesperatelywantedtoknow.

“I don’t know.” He stood up, contemplating me. “Maybe a sad, pretty girl telling me I should do it
whileIstillcanmightdothetrick.”

Ifinishedmydrinkandofferedhimawry,melancholicsmile.“Maybe.”

14

EdinburghApril2013

After Claudia had broken down over Dustin’s callous rejection, Jake called Beck to let him know
whathadoccurredandhe’dhurriedbacktothehotel.

Something happened, though. When Beck got there, he tried to hug Claudia but she didn’t embrace
himinreturnandwriggledoutofhisholdlikeshedidn’twanthimtotouchher.Heattemptedtotalk
to her, but she cut him off, barely acknowledging his presence while they booked tickets out of
Barcelona.

Theentire way tothe airport, Claudgave Beck the coldestshoulder, even snappingat him when he
triedtohelpwithherluggage.She’dbeenadamantthatIsitnexttoherontheplane.

Beckwasstunnedandclearlyhurt.

IgaveittwentyminutesbeforeIpluckedupthenervetoask.“Whatwasthatallabout?”

“What?”sheaskedflatly.

“Beck.”

Claudiashotmeasharplook.“I’mdone,Charley.I’mdonebeingmadeafoolofbymenwhopretend
tocare.Dustindoesn’twantmeinhislife,fine.Guesswhat?Idon’twantBeckinmine.I’vespentthe
lastsixmonthstryingtoconvincemyselfthathedidn’tbreakmyheart.Buthedid.Hehurtsmeallthe
timeanddoesn’tevencare.He’sselfishandcruelandIhatehim.”

Iknewmyfriend,andIknewthatwhatshe’dsaidwasn’ther.Iwasconvincedshewasprojectingwhat
shefeltaboutDustinontoBeck.“Youdon’tmeanthat.”

Thecoldnessinhereyesshockedme.“Yes.Ido.”

“Claudia…”Ireachedforherhand.“WhatexactlydidDustinsay?”

Painetcheditselfintoherfeatures.“WhenIgottohisapartment,Iknewsomethingwasn’tright.He
wasnervousandjumpyandwouldn’tmeetmygaze.ThenPedrashowedup.”

Renewedangerfloodedme.“Hesaiditinfrontofher?”

Shenoddedunhappily.“HetoldmeweneededtotalkandIsatdownacrossfromthemandhetoldme
that his life is his art and that he didn’t have time for distractions. He said he’d never had to be
responsible for anyone other than himself and at almost fifty years old, he knew it was too late to
changethat.AndthenhesaidthathethoughtIwasalovelyyoungwoman,buthe’drathernotkeepin
contactbecausehefeltitwouldbetooconfusingforbothofus.”

“He’sadick,”Isaid.

Claudialookedatmewitharenewalofunshedtearsinhereyes.“Whywashesoexcitedandcoolto
beginwith,Charley?Hemadeplanswithmeforthefutureandthenhejust…whydidhedothat?I
wishhe’dneveremailedmeback.Itwould’vehurtless.It’slike…hegottoknowmeanddecidedhe
wantednothingtodowithme.”

“No.”Igraspedherhandtighterinmine.“No,that’snotwhy.”IleanedclosersoIhadallherfocus.
“Dustin Tweedie is a mercurial, selfish, self-absorbed artist, Claudia. You were something new to
play with for a while, like a new muse… and it suddenly occurred to him that you weren’t just any
muse.Youwereapersonwhowoulddemandmorefromhim…andunfortunately,Igetthefeeling
he’slimited.Hedidn’thaveanythingmoretogiveyou.Andthat’sabouthim.Notyou.”

Thetearsslippedsilentlydownhercheeksasshenodded.“Iloveyou,”shewhispered.

Ileanedmyforeheadagainsthers,fightingmyowntears.“Iloveyoutoo.You’remyfamily.”

Afterawhile,Claudiasettledherheadonmyshoulderandtheemotionalexhaustionofthedaypulled
herintounconsciousness.

I’dknownasIsattherebesideherthatIwouldhavetoworkhardoverthecomingweekstoremind
herthatshehadfamily,afamilyshe’dmade.Ididn’twanttoloseClaudiatobitternessandrejection.

Iwouldn’tletthathappen.

When we landed, unfortunately, Claudia wasn’t lying when she said she was done with Beck. Her
attitudetowardhimdidn’tswayfromicequeen,andadejectedBeckwassilentallthewaybacktoour
apartments.

Once we got out of the cabs, Jake helped Claudia up the stairs with our luggage and Beck held me
backaminute.Hehadapanickedlookinhiseyesthatunsettledme.“Ifuckedup,waitingaroundtoo
long.She’spissedoffatthemeninherlifeandIhappentobeoneofthem.”Hepleadedwithmewith
hiseyes.“She’llcomearound,though,right?”heaskedsoftly.

“Right.”Inodded,hopingmyreassurancesmeantsomething.“Shejustneedstime.”

He looked up at the apartment. “Maybe she shouldn’t be alone tonight. You know, she’ll just dwell.
BringhertoMilk.Everyonewillbethere.”

“Idon’tknow.”

“Try.”

“Okay,”Iagreedandpattedhimontheshoulder,prettysureClaudiaandIweren’tgoinganywhere
tonight.

***

I was only half right. Although Claudia stubbornly refused to remove herself from her bed, she
practicallyscreamedatmetogoout.Ifinallycottonedonthatshegenuinelywantedtobeleftalone
andIventuredouttoMilk.

Ifeltbadleavingherbehind,butIknewthatifIwereinhershoes,I’dprobablywanttobeleftalone
too.Eventuallyasthedaysworeon,Claudiarejoinedtheworldoftheliving.JakeandIspentalotof
timecajolingherintohangingoutwithus—evenifitmeantdodgingthestudyingweweresupposed
tobedoingforourupcomingexamsandinsteadtakingdaytripstoGlasgoworSt.Andrews.

Andthenweconvincedhertocomehangoutwitheveryonethenightbeforethefirstofourexams.

“All right.” Denver turned to Rowena with a cocky smile. “What, or should I say whom, are you
goingtomissmost?”

Music played softly in the background of the restaurant on Nicholson Street. We gathered around a
largecornertable,chattinganddrinkingafteragreatmeal.Merrimentmingledwithmelancholy.We
seemedtohavecollectivelyagreedthatthismightbeoneofthelastnightsweallhungouttogether.

Rowenapretendedtomuseoverthequestion.

“Oh,comeon.”Mattwinkedather.“Weallknowtheanswer,andit’sinmylap.”

“Whit?”Rowenaraisedaneyebrowathim.“Chlamydia?”

WelaughedandMattheavedanexasperatedsigh,hiseyesbeggingusnottomockhimtonight.

“Youwalkedintothatone.You’llfindnosympathyhere,”Claudiateased.

“Seriously, seriously,” Rowena drew our focus back to her, “I honestly think ah will miss Matt’s
atrocioussocialskills.”

“Thankyou!”hesaid,raisinghispintlikehe’djustbeenvalidated.

ShesnortedandthenlookedatJakeandmesittingtogether.“Ah’llmisstheJake-and-Charleysaga.
Betterthananyromancenovel.”Sheliftedherglasstous.“Cheersfortheangst,guys.”

I laughed, only somewhat embarrassed that our relationship ups and downs had played out for our
friendsovertheyear.

“And,”shesmiled,agenuine,almostsadsmilenow,“ahwillmissmafavoriteband,TheStolen.Ah
wishyeloadsehsuccess,guys.Yesodeserveit.”

“Ohman,”Denverpulledherintohisside,“shehadtogogetallmushyonme.IthinkImightcry.”

“Shutup.” She pushedat him playfullybut stopped struggling whenhe tugged herclose for a long
hug.

IfeltalittleweepyandwhenIlookedoveratClaudia,shewaswipingtearsfromthecornerofher
eyes.Shesawmelookingandgrimaced.“What?”shehuffed.“I’magirl.Sueme.”

“Well,Iwouldsaynoonewouldhaveachanceatsuingyouwithyourupcomingfancylawdegree,”
Lowenudgedherarmwithhis,smirking,“butit’snotfinaluntilyoutaketheLSATs.”

Claudiarolledhereyes.“Don’tremindme.Justletmegetthroughtheseexamsfirst.”Shegrinnedat
meandIwasrelievedtoseethesmilewasgenuine.

This past year had changed my best friend perhaps even more than it had changed me. Although I
watchedhergothroughheartbreak,Ialsowatchedhercomeouttheothersidestrongerthanbefore.
Claudiastartedcollegewithmenotknowingwhoshewasorwhatshewantedoutoflife.Iguess…
shestillwasn’tsureaboutthat.Shewasstilllooking.But…shedefinitelyknewwhatshedidn’twant.
Shedidn’twanttobesecondbestandshedidn’tknowifshewantedtobealawyer,butshewasgoing
totryherhandatituntilshefoundheranswer.

Beckwasadifferentstory.

Whilemy relationship withJake had onlygrown stronger over thelast few weeks,my trust in him
deepening now that I knew we were facing things together, Claudia and Beck’s friendship
disintegrated. I knew from speaking to Jake that Beck tried to be patient and wait out Claudia’s
mourningperiodoverthelossofyetanotherparentalfigure,butasthedayspassedandherbitchiness
towardhimdidnotsoften,Beck’shurtturnedintoanger.

SinceClaudia’sfriendshipwithLowehadn’tchanged,itwasimpossibleforBeckandClaudtoavoid
oneanother.Sonowtheirinteractionswereantagonisticandafarcryfromwherethey’dstartedout.
ClaudiahadagreedtogoontourwithTheStolenthissummerastheirmanager,soIhadnoideahow
that would work out for them. I had my fingers and toes crossed that somehow, a miracle would
happenandthey’dbothpulltheirobstinateheadsoutoftheirasses.

AsforDustin,Claudiahadn’theardfromhimsinceourdeparturefromBarcelona.Itwashardatfirst,
butonceItoldmyparentswhathappened,theyralliedaroundClaudia.TheySkypedClaudiajustas
muchastheydidme.Theonlyonewhodidn’twasAndie.ClaudiamissedAndiealmostasmuchasI
did.ButIwasn’treadytoletgoofmyanger.

Mysisterhadn’tspokentomeinmonths.She’dstoppedsupportingme.Ididn’tknowhowwewere
goingtogetovertherift,orifweeverwouldwithJakeinmylife.Ihadnointentionoflettinggoof
Jake,andsinceAndiewastheonewiththeproblemwithhim,Icouldn’tseehowitwoulddomeany
goodtotakethefirststeptowardmendingthatfence.ItwasuptoAndietotakethefirststep.Ijust
hoped I wouldn’t have a long wait on my hands. Or that Claudia would, either. Andie had given
Claudiathatoldersisterwisdom,support,andadviceshe’dalwayscraved.Ourargumentwasn’tfair
toClaud.Butsheneveroncecomplained.Plus,IthinkMom,Dad,Jake,andIdidaprettygoodjob
helpingherout.

The dark in the back of her eyes wasn’t completely gone, and the bitterness she felt still existed
throughherinteractionswithBeck,butIknewthatTeamRedfordandJakehelpedhermournandtry
tomoveon.

Wewereobnoxiouslypersistentthatway.

“All right, Rowena told us what she’s going to miss about us, but what are we going to miss about
Scotland? Rowena and Maggie, obviously, but what or who else?” Claudia smiled around, her eyes
jumpingoverBecklikehedidn’texist.

Iresistedtheurgetothrowmynapkinather.

“I’mgoingtomisstheaccents,”Denversaid.

“Ooh,goodone.”Claudianodded.“I’mgoingtomissDigestivebiscuits.”

“IrnBru,”LowenamedtheScottishsodadrinkthatwassurprisinglyaddictive.

“Milk.”Beckreferredtothebartheyplayedallthetime.

“Scottishgirlswithpurplehair.”MattgrinnedatRowena.

“Aw,thatwaskindofsweet.”Claudialookedassurprisedastherestofus.

Heshrugged.“Icandosweet.Idoknowhowtotonedownallthisrawanimalmagnetism.”

Claudiagroaned.“Annnnnddd…he’sback.”

Laughing,Jakerelaxedagainsthisseat,hisarmacrossthebackofmine.“I’mgoingtomiss,”heshot
meamischievouslook,“Arthur ’sSeat.”

Chuckling,Inodded.“Yeah,I’mgoingtomissthattoo.”

“Well,”Lowescratchedhischin,“IjustlearnedmoreaboutJakeandCharleythanIwantedtoknow.”

Aseveryonelaughed,Ileanedforward,lookingatmyfriends,memorizingtheirfaces.“I’mgoingto
missthis.Righthere.”

Weweresilentamoment,soakingitin,knowingthattherewouldprobablynevercomeatimewhen
we’dallbetogetheragain.Makinggreatfriendsandsayinggoodbye—itwasabittersweetcertainty
ofcollege.

Myphoneblastedinmypurseandeveryonegroaned.

“Waytoruinthemoment,Charley,”Lowegrinned,teasing.

I rolled my eyes at them as I pulled out my phone. “It’s my dad, I’ll be a sec.” I answered his call,
laughterinmyvoice,“Hey,Dad,canIcallyouback,I’m—”

“Charley, something’s happened,” he interrupted, his words so grave, unease rolled up from my
stomach.

Istuckmyfingerinmyothereartoblockoutthenoisearoundme.“What?Whathappened?”

“Youneedtocomehome,Charley.It’sAndie.”

Theworldnarrowed,blackshadowscreepinginattheedgesofmyvisionandmychest…mychest
feltsotight.“Dad?”

“She’s been in an accident. She’s in a coma. You have to come home, Charley. You have to come
home.”

“OhGo—”TheblackswarmedmyvisionandIcouldn’tbreathe.

“Charley?”

“OhmyGod,what’shappening?”

“Charley?Charley!”

“Jim,it’sClaudia.What’sgoingon?”

“Charley,areyouokay?”

“OhGod…no…we’llgetherhome.”

“Charley?”

“It’sgoingtobeokay.We’rehere.”

“Charley…”

15

Labayelle,November2013

Afteralmostninehoursontheroad,wepulledintoamotelinLaramie,Wyoming.Beckhaddriven
thistime,whileJakeandInursedhangoversinthebackseat.Thethreeofthemhadjoinedmeinthe
barlastnightbutonlyJakeandIhadalcohol.WegotalittlewastedatdinnerandIcouldonlyputit
downtostrainednervesonbothourparts.

Wakingupearlytogetontheroadwasnotfunbutourpalefacesandself-pityseemedtoamuseBeck,
andIwasokaywithanythingthatkepthiminmarginallygoodspirits.

ForthemostpartJakeandIwerequietinthebackofthecarbecausewewerefeelingill.Evenwhen
westoppedatOgallala,Nebraska,forlunch,weweremonosyllabic.Foodseemedtohelpthoughand
as Beck got us back on the road, Jake attempted conversation. He updated me on his little brother
Lukewho’dgonefromtotalplayertodevotedboyfriendwhenhemethismatchinhisfirstyearof
college.Apparentlytheshe-playerhewasdatingdidn’tgiveupplayinglikehedid,however,andthey
brokeitoffwhentheystartedsophomoreyear.

“He’sdatingalibraryassistantnow.Reallyquiet,shy.Luke’sadifferentpersonaroundher.”

“Gooddifferent?”

Jakegrinned.“Yeah,definitely.Ithinkmylittlebrothermightbegrowingup.Howscaryisthat?”

“What’sscaryisthepartwherewe’regrowingup,”Isaiddryly.“Doyoufeelit?Grownup,Imean?
BecauseIdon’t.”

He gave me a consoling smile. “No. I’ve been applying to different grad schools—molecular
engineering. Every time I take a minute to process that that’s where I am right now, I feel like I’ve
beenpunchedinthegut.”

Suddenlyconcernedbytheanxioustoneunderlyinghiswords,Iturnedtowardhim.“You’rehappy,
though,right?It’swhatyouwanttodowithyourlife?Thisisthenextstepthatyouwant?”

Hethoughtamomentbeforeanswering.“Yeah.It’swhatIwant.Itjustsometimesfeelslikeit’scome
atmealltoosoon.BeforeI’mreadyforit.ButIguessweallfeelthatway.Wejusthavetosuckitup
andgetonwithit.”

“Youdon’tsoundsosure.”

Jake’seyesreassuredme.“I’msure.There’sjustahugepartofmethatwishesIcouldgobackayear
ortwo—pausetheinevitabilityofresponsibilityandadulthood.I’vefuckedupthebigstuffbefore.I
don’twanttodoitagain.”

Itwasmyturntobereassuring.“Youwon’t.Youwon’tbecausefirsttimearound,youweren’teven
consideringwhetheryou’dfuckanythingup.Yourheadwasn’tanywherebutinthemomentyouwere

in. Now you think about consequences, how everything we do affects our future. It’s called the
learningcurve,Jake.”Igrabbedhishandandsqueezeditwithouteventhinking.“Youwon’trepeatthe
samemistakes.You’renotthatguy.”

I felt his fingers slide through mine and just like that, the handholding went from friendly and
comforting to something more. It was the whisper of skin sliding against skin. An innocent touch
somehowturnedsensualbetweenus.

JakerubbedhisthumblightlyovermineandIfeltthatbarelytheretouchbetweenmylegs.

Biting back a gasp, I wrenched my hand from his and rolled my head on the cushioned headrest to
staredeterminedlyoutatthepassingscenery.

We’d passed into Wyoming, a state I’d never been in before. We were on the Lincoln highway and
afterpassingthroughCheyenne,therewasn’tmuchtoseeexceptplains,mountains,andtrees.Itwas
beautiful.Peaceful.

“Charley?”

Jakesaidmynamesoquietlyandwithsuchdepth,Ifroze.IlookedupfronttoseeClaudiaandBeck
deepinconversationaboutwhichmoteltostayin.ShewasbusylookingituponheriPhone.

Suretheyweren’tpayingattention,IlookedatJakefeelingarapidflutterinmychest.“Yeah?”

“I’msorry,”hesaid.“ForthewayIactedlasttimeIsawyou.Itwaschildishandunfair.”

Iturnedawayagain,unabletomeethiseyeswhenIreplied,“Apologyaccepted.You’reallowedtobe
angrywithme.”Iwasangrywithmyself.Witheveryoneandeverything.

Ifeltresentful.Trapped.

Imissedhim.

“IjustwishIknewthewholestory.”

I glanced sharply up front, noting Claudia and Beck had grown quiet, alert. I shot Jake a look of
admonishmentoutofthecornerofmyeye.UnderstandingIdidn’twanttodiscussthisanddefinitely
notherewherewehadnoprivacy,heturnedawayandwatchedthepassingscenerytoo.

In the early evening we arrived in Laramie and decided to pull in for the night. We found a motel,
took a nap, and then went for a walk. The main part of town was pretty and old-fashioned-looking
with streetlights that looked like gas lamps. Some of the buildings dated back to the 1800s, all the
storefrontswerewellkept,andthestreetswerecleaninawaythatremindedmeofhome.

“Barandgrill.”Claudiapointedtoaplacejustacrossfromthetraintracks.

“Let’sdoit.”Beckthrewhisarmaroundhershouldersandtheystartedwalkingacrossthestreetto
thebar.

FeelingJake’seyesonme,Iturnedtohim.“What?”

HenoddedatClaudiaandBeck.“Doyouthinkthat’sagoodidearightnow?”

“Ithinkwe’reonaroadtriptoscatterBeck’sdad’sashesandthatit’sasmallmiracleI’veheardhim
laugh and seen him smile as many times as I have. Claudia helps him. As much as I’m worried for
themboth,Iwon’tbetheonetotakeawaythebalmthatsheisforhim.”

WithoutwaitingtohearJake’sreply,Ihurriedacrossthestreettocatchupwithourfriends.

Theplacewasprettypackedbutwemanagedtogetatableintheback.Afterweate,Ifeltmuchbetter,
myhangoverfinallydissipating.

BeckandClaudiatooktheirturntohavebeerswhileJakeandIstucktosoda.We’dbeendrinkingfor
acoupleofhourswhenBeckandJakemanagedtograboneofthepooltables.ClaudiaandIplayed
againstthembutwelost,andthenIlostinaone-on-oneagainstBeck.Ihadn’tspentmuchtimearound
apooltableandneitherhadClaudia,sowedecideditwouldprobablybemoreinterestingtowatch
JakeandBeckgoheadtohead.

Duringoneoftheirgames,Iheadedovertothebartogetmoredrinks.Thebarwasbusy,soIwaited
whileagroupofladiesintutus,jeans,andglitterypinkcowboyhats—abacheloretteparty?—ordered
anotherround.AfterafewminutesIglancedbackacrossthebaratmyfriends.

Ifeltuneaseshiftthroughmeatthesightoftheyoungwomanleaningagainstthepooltable.Claudia
wastalkingtoBeckwhilethisgirl,whohadcomeoutofnowhere,flirtedwithJake.

Jakedidn’tseemtobeflirtingbackbutIknewhimwellenoughtoknowthathiseyesweredefinitely
takingineverythingabouther.Icouldunderstandwhy.

Shewasgorgeous.

Tallwithlong,wavydarkhair,agoldentan,andpretty,freshfeaturesthatweren’tcakedinmakeup
likesomanyoftheotherwomeninthebar.SheworeacasualbutshortT-shirtthatshowedoffher
curvybosomandtonedmidriff.Herbluejeansshowcasedherleanlegs.Shewaswearingverycute
wornbrowncowboyboots.

Everythingaboutherscreamed,“IamJakeCaplin’stype!”

Ifeltsick.

Physicallysick.

IstudiedJakeforareactionasshereachedoutandtouchedtheironfistlogoonhisPearlJamshirt.
He’dbeenholdinghimselfalooffromherbutwhatevershesaid,itbroughtforththatsmilethatcould
floorawoman.

And it floored her. I could tell in the way her smile widened and her body relaxed, as if she were
meltingunderhisattention.

Iturnedaway,feelingalittlebreathless.

Andthentheberatingcommenced.JealousywassomethingIwasn’tallowedtofeelwhereJakewas
concerned.Igavehimup,andgivinghimupentailedhavingtowatchotherwomenflirtwithhim.

Shit.

Whatifhespentthenightwithher?

Thethoughtfrozemetothespot.

You’re being crazy, Charley! He’s not going to hook up with a random stranger on a road trip to
scatterhisbestfriend’sdad’sashes.

Ilookedbackoverathimandmyeyesnarrowed.Thegirlwasstandingevencloserandtheyseemed
tobehavinganactualconversation.

“Blondie,whatcanIgetyou?”

Iwhippedaroundatthevoiceandwasconfrontedbyacutebartender.Hewasacoupleofyearsolder
thanmewithdirty-blondhair,sexystubble,andtwinklingbrightblueeyes.HegrinnedasIblinkedat
him,comingoutofmypanicoverJakeandthegirl.

Whatcouldhegetme?

Forone:astool.Ididnotwanttogobackoverthereuntilthegirlwasgone.

Iglancedatthefilledstoolsinfrontofme,frowning.

Asifthebartenderreadmymind,hetappedthebarinfrontofabigbeefyguyandsaid,“Jay,you
mindmovingdownthebar.”

“Surething,Ty,”JaysaidandIwatchedinamusementashepushedtheguybesidehim,andlikeaset
ofdominoestheyforcedeveryonedownaspotuntilthestoolinfrontofmewasopen.

IslidonitandsmiledgratefullyatTythebartender.“Thanks.”

TygrinnedandIhadtoadmit,Itooksomecomfortandpleasureintheappreciativelookinhiseyes.
“Noneed.IwantedsomethingprettiertolookatthanJay.”

Ilaughed.“Well,thanksanyway.”

“SowhatcanIgetyou?”

Itiltedmyheadinthought,thebloodrushinginmyearsatthethoughtofwhatwasgoingonbehind
me.“Atimemachine?”

Tychuckled.“YouthinkIhadoneofthose,I’dbeworkinghere?”

“Oh?Whatwouldyouuseitfor?”

“Ah,well,thatwouldbetelling.Whatwouldyouuseitfor?”

Ishrugged.“Lotsofthings.”

Heleanedacrossthebar,hiseyesdrinkinginmyeveryfeature.“You’retellingmesomeonelikeyou
hasregrets?”

“Someonelikeme?Whatdoyouknowaboutsomeonelikeme?”

His response was a slow, wicked grin that I had to admit penetrated my sadness and jealousy just a
little.“I’llberightback.”HestrodedownthebartohelphiscolleagueandIcheckedhimoutfromthe
back.Verynice.

Truetohisword,Tycamebackafteraminuteorso,openedabeer,andplanteditinfrontofme.“On
thehouse.”

Ipickeditupwithasmirk.“Andwhatdoesafillyhavetodoforthataroundhere?”

Hethrewhisheadbackandlaughed.“Afilly?Really?”

Igrinnedbackathim.

Mirthstillbrightinhiseyes,heshookhishead.“Nothing.Ipromise.Exceptmaybestoplookingso
sad.Youarefartooprettytobesosad.”

I tipped the bottle head in his direction and avoided his compliment with a casual, “Thanks for the
beer.”

“What’syourname?”

“Charley.”

Heleanedonthebaragain.“Itsuitsyou.Charley,I’mTy.”

“Youhaveanicecityhere,Ty.”

“Thankyou.”Hisexpressionturnedcurious.“Whatbringsyoutous,Charley?”

Ishookmyhead.“Uh-uh.Toodepressing.”

“Okay.”Hisbrowwrinkledinthought.“Whereareyoufrom?”

Ishookmyheadagain.“Youcouldbeaserialkiller.ThelessinformationIgiveyou,thelesschance
ofyoufindingmetoserialkillme.”

Tychuckledandasoureyeslocked,Ididn’tfeelthesizzleIshouldhave.Iwastoobusywonderingif
JakehadnoticedIwastalkingtothisguyorifhewastoobusygettinghisflirtonwiththebeautiful

brunettetogiveashitwhatIwasupto.

“Ah,suspiciousandoverlycautious.Letmeguess—lawstudent.”

Wow,impressive.“You’vereallyhonedthosepeople-readingskillsbartendersareknownfor,huh.”

“ThatorI’mpsychic.”Heglancedbehindme.“Forinstance,youwereorareinarelationshipwith
thetallguyinthePearlJamT-shirtoverbythepooltable.”

Mymusclestensed.“Ishelookingover?”

“Mmm-hmm.Andattemptingtofrymyasswithhiseyes.”

“Where’sthegorgeousgirlinthecowboyboots?”

“Leanne?”hesmirked.“Yourfriendstoppedtalkingtohertheminutehesawmetalkingtoyou.”

Isatonthatamomentandthensighed.“Ex-boyfriend.Awkwardroadtrip.”

Ty met my eyes again. “He looks pretty furious. But I’m up for pissing him off even more if you
like.”Hiseyesloweredtomylips.

With a dry chuckle, I said, “As much as I love the idea of kissing a random bartender, especially a
cuteone,I’mtheonewhobrokehisheartsoIdon’tthinkI’llbedoinganythingtohurthimanymore
thanIalreadyhave.”

Tygavemeagood-naturedsmileashestraightenedupawayfromthecounter.“Well,ifyouchange
yourmind,Igetoffatone.”

MyexpressionsaidwebothknewIwasn’tgoingtobetherewhenhegotoffworkandthenIslipped
fromthestoolandbracedmyselftoreturntomyfriends.

AssoonasIsawJake’sface,IknewTywasright.

Hewasfurious.

Andhurt.

Isuddenlyfeltsickagain.

MyeyesflewtoClaudiaandBeckandIflinchedattheuneasinesspouringoffthem.Thankfully,there
wasnorecriminationintheirfaces—itwouldn’tbefairforthemtobeangryatmefortalkingwith
thebartenderwhenJakehadbeenflirtingwithcowboy-bootsgirl.

Speaking of… I glanced around the bar until I found the brunette over by the jukebox with a few
friends. Her gaze was locked on Jake. I only just managed not to curl my lip into a growl of
territorialism.

“Who’swinning?”IattemptedtoasknonchalantlyasIstoppedbesideJakeatthepooltable.

“Seriously?”hesnapped.

When I wouldn’t look at him, Jake crowded me against the table so I had no choice but to
acknowledgehim.Istaredupathim,myfaceperfectlyblanksohewouldn’trealizehowoffbalance
hewasmakingme.

“Whatareyoutryingtodotome?”hesaid,anguished.

“Jake,man,”IheardBecksaysoftly.“Maybethisshouldwait.”

“I’msickandtiredofwaiting,”hesaid.Hegentlytookholdofmyarmandstartedtopullmeaway
fromthetable.“Weneedtotalk.”

“Jake.”Ituggedoutofhishold,drawingustoastandstill.HegloweredbackatmeandIreturnedthe
look.“Don’tyoudaretrytohaulmeoutofhere.”

“We’regoingtohashthisshitoutonceandforallandifIhavetothrowyouovermyshoulders,I
will.”

“Isthereaproblemhere?”

Ohshit.

Tyhadcomeoutfrombehindthebarandnowwehadanaudience.

Jakestoodinfrontofme,blockingTy’sview.“Thisisnoneofyourbusiness.She is none of your
business.”

“Jake.”Ituggedonhisshirt,outragedbythisbehavior.“StopactinglikeaNeanderthal.”

“I’mpissedoff,”hesnarled,lookingoverhisshoulderatmewithfireinhiseyes.

“Well,I’mpissedofftoo!”Iyelledback.

“Maybeyoucouldtakebeingpissedoffoutside,”Tysuggested.

“Noproblem,”Jakesaidashegrabbedmyhandanddraggedmetowardtheexit.

Ilethimbecausebynow,IwasuncomfortablewiththeaudienceandIalsodidn’twantwitnesseswhen
I murdered him. “What the hell are you doing?” I said as soon as we were out the door. I vaguely
notedthatClaudiaandBeckdidn’tfollow.

“What am I doing?” Jake drew to a sudden stop, turning around on me. “What the hell are you
doing?”

BeforeIcouldanswerhestartedwalkingagain,refusingtoletmego.Webothseethedaswemarched
thefive-minutewalkbacktothemotel.JakeletusintohisandBeck’sroomandIwrenchedmyhand
away.

“Thisisridiculous,”Ihuffed.“We’reactinglikefive-year-olds.”

Jakeslammedthedoorshut.“I’mnottheoneflirtingwithafreakingbartender.”

“Hah!No,you’rejusttheone,”Istabbedafingerathim,“flirtingwithbootswithallherhairandtan
skin.”

Jakelookedconfusedforamomentandthenhisexpressionturnedgrim.“That’swhatthisisabout?I
wastalkingtothatgirl?Shewasflirtingwithme.Ididn’tencourageit.Butyousawwhatyouwanted
tosee,didn’tyou,Charley.Soyoudecidedtoflirtwiththebartendertogetbackatme.Verymature.”

“Mature?We’retalkingaboutmaturity?Youjustblewupatmeinabarfortalkingtoanotherguy.”

“I’mnottheonewhobrokethingsoff!”heyelled,hischestheavingashegrewbreathlesswithanger.
“Igettoflirtwithothergirls.ButIhaven’t!Ihaven’ttouchedasinglegirlsinceyouleftmebecauseI
can’tletyougo!AndIfuckinghateyouforit,Charley!”

Iflinched,unbearablepainradiatingfrommychest—itwaslikehe’dpunchedhisfistthroughit.

“ButdoyouknowwhatIhatemore?”hesaidquietlynow,hisvoicehoarse.

Ishookmyhead,battlingthetearsthatwerefightingtofillmyeyes.

“IhatehowmuchIstillneedyou,”hewhispered.

Ididn’tknowwhichoneofusmovedfirst.

One minute I was standing by the door and the next I was in Jake’s arms as he crushed his mouth
downovermine.

I also don’t know what happened to me in that moment. For months I felt like my life had been
suspended—Iwasn’tmovinginanydirection.Moreover,Iwasstrugglingwiththeconstantconfusion
and my mixed-up heart and emotions over the choices I’d made. Giving into Jake may have been
wrongbutjustthen,itwasachoiceIunderstood,itwasachoicethatfeltgood,simple…

Morethanthat,Ifeltaliveagain.

Weundressedoneanother,frantic,desperate…ourmovementshurriedwithfrustrationandlonging.
Wedidn’ttakeourtimeatall.WewerenakedandthenwewereonthebedandthenJakewasinside
me.

Togetherwecamehardandfast.

And I didn’t have time to regret it because Jake pulled me back under the spell I’d let us cast over
ourselves.Hekissedmeslow,leisurely,tastingmeasifhe’dnevergetthechanceagain.Ikissedhim
backjustasdeeply,holdingontohimfordearlife,myfingerscurledinhisthick,darkhairthatwas
longernowsincethelasttimeI’dtouchedit.

Jakekissedhiswayfrommylips,acrossmyjaw,downmyneck…

I sighed, feeling the heat build inside me again as his lips touched me everywhere. When his lips
wrapped around my nipple, I gasped, arching into him. He licked my nipple, coaxing it into a tight
budwhilehestrokedhisthumbovermyotherone.

Deliciouspressurewasbuildingbetweenmylegs.

“Jake,”Igasped,mybreathingshallowastheheatfloodedmyentirebody.

He took his time—butterfly kisses down my stomach, fingertips gently stroking my breasts, across
myribs,ashemoveddown.

JakelookedupatmefromunderhislashesandIfeltanotherinsistenttugatmycore.“Doyouwant
mymouth?”

MybreathhitchedandImovedmylegsapart.“Always,”Iwhisperedbeforetheinsistentvoiceinthe
backofmyheadcouldstopme—couldstopanyofthis.

Atthefirsttouchofhistongue,Inearlycameoffthebed.Itfeltlikeyearssincewe’dlasthadthis.I
parted my legs even wider, my pants increasing in volume as Jake licked me, played me, until the
pressureinsidemewasclosetoexploding.

AndthenhesuckedonmyclitandIsplitapart.

IshudderedthroughmyorgasmasJakecrawledbackoverme,hishandsbracedoneithersideofmy
head,hiseyessearingintomine…HepushedinsidemeandIcriedoutatthesensation.Hegroaned
deepinhisthroatasmyinnermusclestightenedaroundhimandhebegantothrust,slow,deep,andI
feltthetensioninsidemestarttobuildagain.Myfingersdugintohisbicepsashestrainedoverme
andIarchedunderhim,movinginrhythmagainstthisnewseduction.

Hewantedmetocomeagainbeforehedid.

SweatslickenedbothourbodiesandJake’smusclesstrainedwithhisefforttostayhisownorgasm.

Unconsciously,Idraggedmynailsdownhisarmsasmyclimaxapproached.IstiffenedandfeltJake’s
thrustsspeedup,hisgruntsofpleasureechoinginmyearsandfinallypiercingthroughthetension.

Icriedout,myeyesrollinginaflutterastheintensityofthiswashedoverme.

“Jesus… fuck…” Jake’s words were guttural as I felt him stiffen. And then his hips jerked against
mineashecameinsideme.

His weight pinned me to the bed as he collapsed. I stroked his hair with one hand while the other
strokedhissweat-dampenedskin.

Slowlythepowerofourlongingdiminishedenoughforrealitytosinkin.

Myhandsstilled.

Jaketensedandthenslowlyliftedhisheadtolookdownintomyeyes.“You’regoingtotellmethis
wasamistake,aren’tyou?”hesaidgrimly.

16

ChicagoApril2013

Idon’treallyrememberhowJakeandmyfriendsgotmeoutoftherestaurant.OrhowIgotpacked.
OrhowIendeduponaplanesandwichedbetweenJakeandClaudia.Itwasliketheworldaroundme
fadedout,justablurofcolor.Therewasnoroominsidemetoconcentrateonanythingbutgettingto
mysisterandhopingI’dgettoherintime.

ClaudiawouldtellmelaterwhenIaskedforhimthatJakewenthometohisparentsratherthancome
to the hospital because he didn’t want to upset my family any more than they already were. I didn’t
rememberthat.AllIrememberedwasrushingintoNorthwesternMemorial,exhaustedbutsomehow
wiredatthesametime.Itwasaweirdfeeling.Mybodydidn’tfeellikemine.IfeltlikeIwasfloating.

MyparentsandRickgreetedme,huggedme.Iremembereditbecausetheirexpressionswerethefirst
thing since hearing the news that brought me into the real world, into the reality of what we were
dealingwith.Thebleaknessinmyparents’eyes,thedesperationinRick’s…ithadmepushingpast
themintothehospitalroom.

I’dstumbled,disbelievingthesightbeforeme.

Andie lay there. She seemed frozen beneath the tubes and the ventilator. It was almost like it wasn’t
her.Itwasjustherbody.

“Whathappened?”Claudiasaid.

Sickwithfear,Isteppedtentativelytowardmysister.

“Ataxidriver,”Ricksaidgrimly.“Downtown.Hehadaheartattackatthewheelandcrashedintothe
sidewalk.WhenhehitAn—”

Igrabbedformysister ’shand.Itwascool,limp.

“Theimpactthrewheragainstabuilding,”DadfinishedhoarselywhenRickcouldn’tcontinue.

IcouldhearClaudia’sgaspandthechokedsoundsofcrying.

ThetearswelledinmyeyesasIstrokedmysister ’shandandleanedovertowhisper,“I’msorry.”

“The doctors said we can only wait for her to come out of the coma but there’s a chance…” My
mom’stear-soakedwordstrailedoff.

“There’sachanceshewon’twakeup,”Dadbitout.

ThepainandguiltpouredoutofmeandIpressedmyforeheadagainstAndie’s.“Ishouldhavebeen
there,”Iwhispered.Ishouldhavesavedyou.“I’msorry.I’msosorryIhaven’tbeenhere.”

***

AbuzzingsoundinfiltratedthedarknessandIjerkedawake.Iblinkedafewtimesagainsttheharsh
lighting, the blur across my vision fading to reveal my unconscious sister in her hospital bed and
Rickontheothersideofit,oppositeme.

“Yourphone,”hesaidquietly.

Iyawnedandfollowedthebuzzingsound—myphonevibratingonthebedsidetable.Itriedtofocus
onthescreen.“It’sJake,”Iwhispered.

“Yeah,he’scalledafewtimes.Youshouldcallhimback.”

IfrownedatRick.“HowlonghaveIbeenout?”

Heshrugged.“YouwereoutwhenIgothere.Thatwasafewhoursago.”Hisbrowsdrewtogetherin
concern.“Charley,youshouldgobacktoourplacewithyourparents.Getsomesleep.”

IwasnevergoingtogetanyrealsleepuntilAndiewokeup.

Sevendays.

Sevenlongdaysshe’slaidinthatbed,breathingthroughaventilator.

“Charley.”

Ilookedupfrommysister ’sfacetoRick’shaggardone.

“Gogetsomesleep.”

“Ijustslept.”Ishookmyhead.

“ThencallJakeback.”

WonderingifperhapsRickreallyjustwantedsometimealonewithmysister,Inoddedandgrabbed
my phone. “Do you want a Starbucks?” I noted his cheekbones looked a little sharper. I wasn’t the
onlyonelosingweight.“Somethingtoeat?”

“Acoffeeandasandwichwouldbegreat.”Heeyedme.“Getyourselfsomethingtoeattoo,before
youfadeawaytonothing.”

I reluctantly agreed and strode out of my sister ’s hospital room. For a little while, I found myself
wanderingaimlesslyasIclutchedmyphone.AfterthefirstlongfewdaysfollowingAndie’saccident,
whensheshowednosignsofwakingup,somehowImanagedtoconvinceClaudiaandJaketoreturn
toEdinburghtofinishuptheirexams.Itwasdifficulttobringthemaround,butsinceJakedidn’twant
to cause trouble by appearing at the hospital, there wasn’t a whole heck of a lot he could do. And
Claudia…well,Ijust…myfocuswasonAndieandIwasn’tabletogiveanyotherpartofmyselfto
anyone,whichincludedreassurancestoClaudthatIwasokay.

Iwasfarfromokay,andIneededtobethatway.Ididn’twanttospendhalfmytimelyingtopeople
abouthowIwascopingwheninallhonesty,Iwasbarelyhangingon,butbarelycopingonmyown
was easier because I could do that without the pressure from other people to do better than barely
hangon.

OnceadayClaudiawouldFaceTimetocheckin.Thatwasbeyondharrowing—tohavetokeepusing
thephrase,“There’snochange.”

WithJake,though,itwasevenharder.

My insides churned with guilt that Andie was lying in a hospital bed and I hadn’t spoken to her in
months.Thethought…thethoughtthatshemightdie,thatImightneverhaveachancetosayanother
wordtoherafterhavingspentthelastfewmonthschoosingJakeoverherandavoidingher…

Ileanedagainstthenearestwalltocatchmybreath.

Thiswasmyfault.Andie’saccident.Iknewthatdeepinmybones.Althoughtherewassomepartof
methatknewitwasn’trational,IworriedthatsomehowI’dinterruptedfateallthoseyearsagowhen
I’dknockedAndieoutofthewayofMr.Finnegan’sSUV.Wasthisfate’swayofpunishingme?

Ididn’tknowifthatwastrueornot.

WhatIdidknowwasthatIwasdefinitelybeingpunishedfortreatinghersobadly.

Andthereasonformyfalling-outwithher…well,itwasJake.Icouldn’tgetthatoutofmyhead.

Looking down at my phone, I fought the urge to smash it underfoot. I had to call Jake back or he
wouldonlykeeptrying.

Aftermakingmywayoutside,Ifoundaquietspot.

HisfaceappearedonmyphonescreenandIfeltapainfulgripinmychest.Justlookingathimmade
mefeelahorriblemixofreliefandshame.

“Baby,”hesaidingreeting,hisdarkeyesfilledwithconcernandlove.“How’sitgoing?”

Ishookmyhead,lookingawayfromthescreenforamoment.“Same.”

“She’llcomeoutofthis,Charley.Andie’sstrong.She’saRedford.”

Bitingmyliptostemthetears,Ishruggedloosely.“We’llsee.”

“You’vegottostaypositive.”

“Iknow.”

“Charley?Charley,lookatme.”

Ididasheasked,turningmyheadbacktothescreen.

Hisexpressionwastender.“Icancomeback.Ifyouneedme,Icancomehome.”

“No,”Isaidadamantly,mypulseracingjustatthethought.“Youhavetofinishupthere.I…I’mbetter
onmyown,”Isaidhonestly.“IfeellikeIdon’thavetoworrysomuchaboutworryingeveryoneelse
whenI’monmyown.”

“Igetit,”hesaidandIknewthathedid.“You’renotcompletelyalone,though,right?Yourmomand
dadandRickarethere.”

“Yeah,but…Iguesswe’realldealingwithitdifferently.”Ididn’tevenwanttothinkabouthowmuch
this had broken my parents. My parents had always been larger-than-life characters who could deal
with anything life threw their way. But this… they seemed older, more fragile, and every time they
lookeduponAndieinthathospitalbed,Icouldseeanothercrackforminthearmorthey’dworntheir
wholelives.

Thatscaredmejustasmuchasthesightofmysisterinacoma.

“Ibettergetback,”Iwhispered,mythroatconstricting.

“Okay,baby,”hesaidsoftly.“Iloveyou.”

“Iloveyoutoo.”

Ihungupandstuffedthephoneinmypocket.

Okay,baby.Iloveyou.

Iloveyoutoo.

ButIhateyoutoo.Ihatemetoo.

Trembling,Isuckedinahugegulpofairandtriedtocalmmyself.Afteraminuteorso,Ifeltalittle
moretogetherandwalkedbackintothehospital.

I’d barely left my sister ’s side. The only time I did leave the hospital was to go back to Rick and
Andie’sforashower.Myparentstriedtogetsomesleepthere,butIjustcouldn’tsitinthathouse.It
was filled with Andie. Her pictures, her perfume, her things, her work, her clothes, and the funny
refrigeratormagnetsshecollected.

I’dgoneintothekitchentogetsomeorangejuiceandI’dstoppedatthesightofthemagnets.Inthe
middlewastheblackandwhiteoneI’dfoundduringmysophomoreyearatPurdue.Whenwewere
younger, my sister was obsessed with pirates. I’d never forgotten the many times I found myself
sittingonasofacushioninthemiddleofmyparents’livingroomfloorwithmyhandsboundbehind
my back while my sister stood triumphant on the arm of the sofa, a patch over her eye. With that,
she’dcommandherinvisiblecrewtohaulanchorandhership(thesofa)wouldsailoff,leavingmeto
dieondesertedisland(thecushion)forbetrayinghertothenavy.

Theblackandwhitefridgemagnethadthewords“ToErrisHuman,toArrisPirate”printedovera
skullandcrossbones.WhenI’dgivenittoAndie,she’dlaughedsohard,shecried.

Atthesightofthemagnet,Icollapsed.

MymomfoundmeandheldmewhileIletitallout.

I’drefusedtostayinthathouseforanylongerthanthelengthofashowersince.

ReturningtothehospitalroomwithcoffeeandsandwichesforbothmeandRick,Ifoundhimsitting
closetoAndie,holdingherhandinbothofhis.Whenheheardmecomein,heduckedhisheadand
swipedatthetearsIknewhehopedIhadn’tseen.

Placingthecoffeeandsandwichdownbesidehim,Ididn’tofferhimcomfortorbringuphisgrief,
becauseIthinkheneededtofeelstronginallthis.Rickwasn’tastupidguy—hecouldseemyparents
werebarelyholdingittogetherandIknewhefeltsomeobligationtobestrongforusall.Itwasno
useattemptingtoconvincehimotherwise.Itwasjustthepersonhewas.

Isatbackinmychairandsippedatmycoffee.

“Youbetteropenthatsandwich,”Ricksaidsoftly.

HestartedtoeathisslowlyandIfeltapanginmystomach.

IguessIwasalittlehungry.

Nibblingatit,Ilistenedtothesoundsofthemonitorsaroundmysister.

“Shewasmadatherselftoo,youknow,”Ricksuddenlysaid.

IalmostchokedonthebiteofsandwichasIsuckedinair.Afterasipofcoffee,Iasked,voicehoarse,
“Whatdoyoumean?”

“You’renottoblamefortheargument,Charley.Ithappened.Thetwoofyouarestubborn.”

“Ishould’vecalled,”Isaidflatly.“Ishould’vebeenhere.”

“‘Shouldhaves’onlyhurtyou,kiddo.Don’tdothattoyourself.”

“Why?Aren’tyoudoingthattoyourself?”

We stared at each other a moment until Rick finally sighed and looked back at Andie. “I should’ve
marriedhersooner.Shewantedtogetmarriedrightaway.Ishould’vedoneit.”

Afteramomentofsilence,Iwhispered,“Ishouldhaveputherfirst.”

“What?”

IglancedupatRick.“Nothing.”

Hisphone rang andhe excused himself.I took the opportunityto shimmy forwardin my chair and
clutchmysister ’shand.“I’msorryIchoseJakeoveryou,Andie.I’msosorry.”

Ikissedherhandandscrewedmyeyesshutandforthefirsttimeinalongtime,Iprayed.Iprayedthat
God could hear me… I prayed that if He could, I’d be repentant. My penance—If you save her, I’ll
givehimup.IfAndiewakesup,I’llletJakego.I’llchooseheroverhim.

***

Ihurriedintothehospital,myhairdamp,eyesheavywithlackofsleep.Ialwayshurriedbackaftera
quickshower.Ididn’twanttomissanything.

Wewereondayfourteen.

Ifelthopeslidingthroughmyfingers,thetipsgraspingforpurchase.

“Charley!” My mom’s eyes were bright, brighter than I’d seen them in fourteen days, as she strode
downthecorridorfrommysister ’sroom.

“What?Whatisit?What’shappened?”

“Andiestartedchoking,”Momsaid,herwordsrushedandexcited.“She’sbreathingonherown.She’s
awake,Charley.She’sawake.”

Iburstoutcrying.“Awake?”Isobbed,overwhelmedbytherelieffloodingme.

“She’sinandout.”Momtuggedonmyarm,pullingmetowardtheroom.“Thedoctorsaysitmight
takeadayortwoforhertocomefullyaround.Butshe’soutofthecoma.”

Ifrozeinthedoorwayofmysister ’shospitalroom,suddenlyparalyzedwithfear.

IwatchedasMom,Dad,andRickhoveredoverherwhilethedoctorspoke.Theventilatorwasgone
and although her eyes where shut, Andie’s lids fluttered. She moved her head and emitted a small
groan.

Ipressedbackagainstthedoor,fightingtheurgetoflee.

Andiewasawake.Shewasgoingtomakeit.

In amongst the relief I felt a wave of nausea, and I ducked outside the door to press my forehead
againstthecoolwall.

MybargainwithGod.

IhadtoletJakegosomehow.

Trembling,Itookoutmyphoneandcalledhim.ThistimeIdidn’tuseFaceTime.

I told him Andie was awake. I ignored his relief. I ignored his love. I had to in order to say what I
needed to say. I told him not to call me anymore. I told him it was over. And then I hung up and

switchedmyphoneoff.

IdashedintothenearestbathroomandmadethetoiletrightasIthrewup.Afterawhile,Iwasjustdry
heaving.

IgaveJakeupforAndieandIdidn’tevenknowifsheforgaveme.Whatifshehatedme?Whatcould
Isay?

Andworse…howcouldIfaceherwhentherewasadarknessdeepinsidemethatresentedherandthe
choiceI’djustmade?

***

Ineverdidgointothehospitalroomagain.

Duringthefirsttwenty-fourhours,Ihoveredoutside,lookinginthroughthewindows,ignoringmy
parents’andRick’spleastocomeinsideandspeaktoAndiewhilesheslept.

ThenextdaywhenAndiebecamecognizant,Ididthesame—hidingandpeekinginwhenIwassure
shewasn’taware.Thedoctorssaidshehadarecoveryperiodahead.Shewasalittledazed,confused,
andalthoughsherecognizedeveryone,shecouldn’tremembermuchbeforetheaccident.

IhidoutatStarbucksalotandonthethirdday,DadhuntedmedowntobringmetoAndie.

“Itoldheryouwerehere,”hesaid,disappointmentandannoyanceinhiseyes.Hedidn’tlikethewayI
wasbehaving.Hidingfromher.Hedidn’tunderstand.

“Didsheaskforme?”Ifsheaskedforme,I’dhavetogotoher.

Dadfrowned.“No.”

“Doessheremembertheargument?”

Dadscratchedhisunshavencheekandlookedawayuncomfortably.“Ithinkso.”

“ThenI’mstayingrightwhereIam.”

AweeklaterIreturnedhometoLantonwithmyparentswithouthavingspokentomysister.I’dspied
onheralotasshesattalkingtofriendsandfamily,butshe’dhadnoideaIwasthere.

Andiewasrecoveringfast—shehadsomephysicalandmentaltherapytogothrough,butthedoctors
wereimpressedwithhowwellshewasdoingandRickinsistedhecouldtakecareofher.

Mom and Dad had to get back to work, but they told Rick they’d come to Chicago every weekend
until Andie was fully recovered. They seemed stronger back in Chicago. They seemed like
themselvesagain.

ButwhenwereturnedtoLanton,IrealizeditwasallamaskforAndie’sbenefit.Thatfragilitythathad
scared me so much reappeared. Mom started disappearing to the cemetery almost every day—it
pissedmeoff.Ithoughtitwasmorbid.IwashelpingMomoutinthefloristalotbecauseshewasso
distractedallthetime.ShewasconstantlycallingRickorDadforreassurances.Irealizedthatsheand
DadwerebothafraidthatsomeonewasgoingtotellthemthatAndie’srecoverywasasickjoke—that
any minute now, she’d close her eyes and never open them again. As for Dad, he didn’t talk to me
muchinthosefirstfewmonths.

Asfarashewasconcerned,I’dabandonedAndieassoonasshewokeup.

Ihadn’tabandonedher.

Ijustdidn’tknowhowtofaceher,ordealwithmyconflictingemotions.

Imissedmysister.ImissedJake.Somuch,ithurt.Especiallyatnight,whenI’dlaymyheadonmy
pillowandIcouldn’tthinkofanythingelsebuthowmuchIwantedmylifetogobacktothewayit
usedtobe.

IarguedwithmyselfoverandoverthatwhatI’dpromisedGod…itwasn’trational,Icouldn’tbeheld
toit.Butwhatif…

WhatifIacceptedJakebackintomylife,whatifImademyfamilyaccepthimintotheirlives,and
suddenly,Andie’seyesclosedandtheyneveropenedagain?

It was a little better when Claudia finished up in Edinburgh and flew to Indiana to live with us. She
easedmyparents,litthemupinawayIcouldn’trightnow.Sheeasedmetoo.IfeltlikeIwasforever
onthebrinkofanargumentwithmyfolks,andClaudiaalwaysremindedmethattheydidn’tneedto
dealwithmyissuesrightnow.Sowesufferedinstiltedsilence.

TheonlytimeitbrokewaswhenIyelledatMomforvisitingthecemetery.Itoldheritwasmorbid
anditcreepedmeout—likeshewasjustwaitingforsomethingbadtohappentoAndie.

Momtoldmecalmlybutwithtearsinhereyesthatshewasvisitinghermom’sgrave.“She’stheonly
onewhowouldunderstandwhatI’mgoingthroughrightnow.ItalktoherandIknowshecanhear
anditgivesmecomfort.”

At that, she’d walked out of the house and my dad said more than two sentences to me for the first
timeinweeks.Heshoutedatmeforbeingself-involvedandtoldmetoapologize.

Idid.Ituckedmytailbetweenmylegsandapologized.

And then I promptly went online and found out what I needed to do to sit the LSATs in the fall. I’d
upsetmyparentsenoughthisyear.Itwastimetodosomethingforthem—somethingselfless.

ThroughoutthemonthsJakecalled,hetexted,andpartofmewishedhe’dmoveon,whiletheother
half—thehalfthatwasutterlyheartbroken—wasselfishlyrelievedthathestilllovedmeasmuchasI
lovedhim.

17

ElkaNovember2013

Wewerelosinglayersofclothingthefartherwestwetraveled.Itwasn’ttoohot,butwe’ddrivenfrom
meltingsnowtoclearskiesandsunshineinamatterofdays.ElevenhoursafterweleftLaramie,Jake
pulledintoamotelinElko,Nevada.

Ithadbeenanotherquietcarjourney.JakewasfullofsilentquestionsandIwas…

Iwassearchingforme.Themewhojustsaidwhatwasonhermind.Tolditlikeitwas.

Iwantedthatmeback,becausemaybethenIcouldbebraveenoughtogiveJaketheanswershewas
lookingfor,evenifhethoughtIwascrazyonceIdid.

Beckgotouttogetusroomsandthethreeofussatinthecarinsilence.Memoriesfromlastnight
hadbeenreplayingoverandoverinmyhead.

“You’regoingtotellmethiswasamistake,aren’tyou?”

IstaredintoJake’seyes,brushinghishairbackfromhisforehead.“Yes,”Iansweredhonestly.

Wedidn’tsayanythingforafewsecondsandthenJakesaid,“Willyoustaywithmetonightatleast?”

Tooselfishtosayno,I’dstayed.

AfewhourslaterwhileIwassleepinginhisarms,Iwasawokenbyvoices.JakeaskedBecktostayin
Claudia’sroom.Ididn’tregisteritatthetimebecauseIfellrightbacktosleep,feelingwarmandsafe
tuckedintoJake’sside.

Thenextmorning,afterdealingwiththeawkwardnessofwakingupnexttoJake,Ihadtodealwith
evenmoreawkwardnessuponknockingonClaudia’smoteldoortogetmyclothes.Beckopenedthe
door, eyes bright as he threw me a pleased grin before hurrying out. I noted the bed that should’ve
beenminewasn’tsleptin.

My questioning gaze had flown to Claudia who lay in rumpled sheets, the covers pulled up to her
chest,showingoffbareshoulders.Shelookedflushedandflustered,justlikeIfelt.

IguessedIwasn’ttheonlyonewho’dthrowncautiontothewindlastnight.

“Itfinallyhappened,huh?”Isaid,asmallsmileplayingonmylips.

Claudiastaredatmewarilyandnodded.

IthoughtofJakeandthepaininhiseyeswhenIlefthimthismorning,comparedtothehappinessin
Beck’s.Ireassuredmyfriend.“Don’tquestionit.”

Claudia gave me a tremulous smile in return. “Thanks, Charley.” She glanced at the door. “So last
nightyouandJake—”

“Itshouldn’thavehappened,”IcutheroffasIgrabbedmystuffandstrodeintotheshower.

Thatdayontheroadwasadifficultone.ClaudiaandBeckwerelovedupinthebackseatwhileJake
andIwere…Ididn’tknowwhatwewere.

Beckcamebackwithroomkeysbutassoonaswepulleduptothemotel,Jaketurnedtohimandheld
outhishand.“I’lltakeoneofthosekeys.”

“I’vegotours,man.”Beckwavedhimoff.

“No.CharleyandIaresharingtonight.”

Igapedatmyex-boyfriendalittlestupidly.

“Uh…”FrommyperipheralIcouldseeBeckturntome,butIdidn’tlookbackathimbecauseIwas
stillgapingatJakeinconfusion.“Areyousure—”

“Key,Beck,”Jakeinsisted.

“IwanttomakesureCharley’sokaywiththatfirst,”Beckreturnedimpatiently.

Jakelookedatme.“Well?”

Aswelookedatoneanother,Idugdeepformycourage.IknewwhyJakewantedustosharearoom.
He wanted privacy because he wanted answers. He was done pretending he didn’t deserve them.
MaybebeforeIcouldjustifyshuttinghimout,butlastnightI’dmadeachoicethathadconfusedand
hurthimevenmore.Jakedeservedbetterthanthat.Hedeservedthetruth,evenifIwasscaredtoshare
it.

I suddenly heard his voice in my head, words he’d said not too long ago but now felt forever ago.
“Comeon,Supergirl.Bebrave.”

“It’sfine,”ItoldBeckquietly.“AslongasClaudia’sokayroomingwithyou.”

“Oh,I’mcoolwiththat,”ClaudiashruggedwithfakenonchalanceandIrolledmyeyesather.Icould
tellshewasmorethanhappywiththisnewarrangement.

***

ItwascleartomethatJakewasbeyondimpatienttotalkwhenhesuggestedwegotoaMcDonald’s
drive-throughandeatbackatourroom.BynowI’dlostwhateverappetiteIhad,butIwassousedto
pretendingnoneofthisaffectedmethatIorderedadoublecheeseburger.

JustbeforeJakeclosedthedoor,IheardClaudiagigglinghappilyasBeckletthemintotheirroom
next door. Despite my own messy life, I was glad for her. I was relieved the experiences with her
parents and biological father hadn’t scarred her permanently, hadn’t stifled her generous heart. She
wasgivingBeckachance,andIbelievedthatchancemightjustsavehimfromhimself.

Theydeservedthejoythey’dfound.IhadtofindtimetotellClaudthatbecauseeverytimeshelooked
atme,Isawguiltinhereyes,likeshefeltbadforbeinghappywhenIwasmoremiserablethanI’d
everbeeninmylife.

Itwastimetoremindherthatthatwasn’thowrealfriendshipworked.

IchewedonapickleasIwatchedJakesitonthebedoppositeme.Heunwrappedhisburgerbuthe
didn’tliftittohismouthrightaway.Instead,hesighed.

“What’s going on with you, Charley?” His dark eyes pierced through me. “And not just why you
broke up with me… Everything. Because right now—this person you’ve become, it isn’t you. You
knowitisn’tyoubecauseyourlighthasgoneout.You’resomewheredarkrightnowandI’mworried
sickaboutyou.”

Yourlighthasgoneout.Itsoundedsopermanent.Likemylightwasn’tswitchedoff,butbroken.

Tears stung the back of my eyes and I took another bite of my burger to have something to
concentrateon,somethingthatwouldfocusthetearsaway.

Finally when I felt in control, I met his gaze. “I haven’t seen or spoken to Andie since before she
wokeupoutofthecoma.”

Thatsurprisedhim.“How?What…I’mconfused.”

AndsoItriedtoexplain.

“YourememberIwasthereeverydaywhileshewasinthecoma?”

“Ofcourse.”

“Something… something happened to me when she woke up.” I shook my head, feeling the bottled
emotion in me well up. “I tried to take a step into the hospital room but I just couldn’t. I felt
paralyzed.”Idashedawayatearthatslippeddownmycheek.“AndsomehowIhaven’tstoppedfeeling
thatway.”

Jakeleanedforward,hisbrowsdrawntogetherinconcern.“Baby,paralyzed?Why?”

“You’renotgoingtolikethatanswer.”

“Giveittomeanyway.”

Ipushedmyhalf-eatenfoodawayanddrewmykneesuptomychest.“ThewholetimeAndielayin
that hospital bed, breathing through a ventilator, I couldn’t shake the guilt. I couldn’t shake the fact
that I hadn’t spoken to my sister—one of my best friends—in weeks… because of you.” Forcing

myselftobebrave,Ilookedathim.He’dgrownpalewithrealization.“Ididn’tblameyoudirectly,
Jake.Iblamedme.Iresentedmyselfformakingthatchoice,forputtingyoubeforemyfamily.Ididn’t
know how to talk to you or be around you during it all because you reminded me of all the bad
decisionsI’dmaderegardingAndieandmyparents.”

Jake blew air out between his lips and whispered, “Fuck,” as he dragged a shaky hand through his
hair. “You have no idea how much I get that, Charley. I wish you’d told me that was how you were
feeling.”

Surpriseshotthroughme.“Idon’tunderstand.”

“After Brett died, I was filled with this irrational guilt,” he explained, the steadiness of his words
testamenttohowfarhe’dcomeemotionallysinceBrett’sdeath.“Atthetimeitdidn’tfeelirrational.I
trulybelievedthattherewassomethingIcould’vedonetoavoidthatoutcome.Andtherewasahuge
partofmethatcouldn’tseparateyoufromBrett’sdeath.Icouldn’tbearoundyoubecauseofit.”

AsIprocessedthis,theloveIfeltforJakeseemedtogrowtoobig,toomuch,andIduckedmyhead
tobreakoureyecontact.Therewassomuchreliefthatheunderstoodme,butmorethanthat,Iwasin
aweofhisunderstandingandcompassion.

“Ishould’vetoldyou,”Isaidsoftly.“I’msorryIdidn’tgiveyouthatchance.”

“Iforgiveyou.”

“Why?”Ilaughedunhappily.

“Because,”hesaid,hiscountenancesolemn,“youforgaveme.”

I started to smile but it wobbled as the tears spilled down my cheeks without control. “I’m such a
mess,Jake.IlookinthemirrorandIdon’trecognizemyself.”

Suddenlyhewastherebesideme,holdingmeasIsobbedintohisshoulder.

OnceI’dsoakedhisshirtthrough,hegotupandstrodeintothebathroom,returningwithtoilettissue
soIcouldwipemytearsandblowmynose.

“I’msorry,”Itoldhim,stillshaking.

“You don’t have to be.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled kindly. “So why don’t you
recognizeyourself?”

Bunching the used tissue in my hand, I shrugged. “I used to be able to put my fear aside in most
situations. But when it comes to the people I love, I seem to fall apart. When you left when I was
sixteen,ittookmealongtimetostopmopingaroundandstartlivingagain,andnowwithAndie…
it’shappeningalloveragainexceptit’sworsethistime—morecomplicated.”

“Explainittome,”heencouraged.

Istudiedhisgorgeousface,hispatient,soulfuleyes.“You’llthinkI’mcrazy.Orworse…you’llhate
me.”

Jakefrowned.“YouknowwhenIsaidIhatedyou…Ididn’tmeanit.Iwasjustpissedoff.”

“Iknow,”Isaid.“Butnowyoumightreallyhateme.”

“Tryme.Imightsurpriseyou.”

Takingasipofmydrink,Istalledamoment,gatheringtheremnantsofmycourage.“WhenAndie
was lying there in that hospital bed, I watched Rick fall apart, but worse I watched my parents fall
apart.Itscaredthehelloutofme,Jake.JimandDeliaRedforddonotfallapart.They’rethestrongest
peopleIknow.Butasonedaycreptintothenext,Iwatchedthemage,Iwatchedthemcrumble,and
therewasnothingIcoulddotohelpthem.I’dfailedAndieandnowIwasfailingthem.Ifeltlikeher
accidentwaspunishment.ThatIwastoblameforit.WhichmadethefactthatIcouldn’tdoanythingto
fixitormyparentsevenworse.”

“Howwasityourfault?”

“BecauseofthewayItreatedherbeforeithappened.Becausewehadn’tspokensinceI’dtoldherto
fuckoff…because,”myvoicelowered,“Iwasn’ttherethistimetoshoveheroutoftheway,tosave
her.”

“Charley,somewheredeepdownyouknowthat’snottrue.”

Ishookmyhead.“Butthatdoesn’tmeanIdon’tfeelthatway,thatIdon’tfeeltoblame,ashamedand
guiltyashell.”

“Andthisiswhyyouhaven’tspokentoAndie?Becauseyoufeellikeheraccidentwasyourfaultto
beginwith?”

“That,”Idrewinadeepbreath,bracingmyselftotellhimthewholecrazytruth,“andbecausethere’s
thissick,darklittlepartofmethatresentsher.”

Jakefrowned.“Resentsher?Forwhat?Forthewayyoufeel?”

“No.”Thistimewhenoureyesmet,IletalltheloveIfeltforhimshineoutforthefirsttimesince
before it all happened. I knew the instant he felt it because he froze and his eyes grew round with
surpriseandconfusion.“ImadeapromisetoGod,Jake.I’msosorry.”Tearsstartedfallingagain.

“Charley,Idon’tunderstand.”Hereachedforme,histhumbsswipingatthesaltyescapees.

“IpromisedGodthatifhesavedAndie…Iwouldgiveyouup.”

Realizationstruckhimandhelookedlikeithadpunchedamightyblow.“AndthenAndiewokeup.”

Inodded.“Iknowit’scrazy.IknowthatitwasprobablyacoincidencebutIcan’tgetridofthisfear
thatifIletmyselfbewithyou,somethingbadwillhappentoAndie.AndnowIcan’tbewithyouandI
resentmysisterforit.Whichisoutrageousandwrong.SoIhaven’tfacedher.Ihaven’tfacedtheway

ItreatedherorthewayI’mstilltreatingher.That’snotme,Jake.”Ipunchedatthemattressbelowme
inanger.“I’mnotthiscoward.Butthat’swhoI’vebecome.Acoward.I’macoward,Ican’thaveyou,
andIcan’tbeacopbecausemyparentsdon’twanttogothroughwhattheyjustwentthroughagain.
Wheredoesthatleaveme?WhoamIwithoutmyabilitytoactdespitemyfears,orbewithyou,orbe
thepersonI’mmeanttobe?”

Jakelookedshaken.“Christ,Charley.”Heshiftedclosertomeandputhisarmaroundme,drawing
meintohisside.“Ican’tbelieveyou’vebeencarryingthisshitaroundformonthswithouttellingme.
Withouttellinganyone.”

Ihuggedhimclose.“Iloveyou,”Itoldhimsoftly.“Iloveyousomuch.ButIcan’tbewithyou.”

SanFranciscoDecember2013

ThewindwhippedmyhairforwardaroundmyfaceasIstoodonthebluffsbyBakerBeachholding
Jake’shand.

Beckstoodlowerdownontherocksfromus,Claudiaathisside,ashestaredoutatthePacificOcean.
Hespoke,hiswordsmuffledbythewind.Thatwasokay.Thosewordswereforhisdad’searsalone.

Afteralittlewhile,BeckletgoofClaudia’shandandremovedthelidfromthesmalllacqueredbox.
Withoutamoment’shesitation,hereleasedtheashesandtheycaughtinthewindasitblewouttoward
theocean.

HewipedatearfromhischeekandClaudiawrappedherarmaroundhiswaistanddrewhimcloser.
Heacceptedhercomfort,slidinghisownarmaroundhershouldersandkissingherheadinthanks.

Jakestrokedmyhand,drawingmyattentionfrommyfriendstohisface.Helookedgrim.Sad.Wary.

After my confession he didn’t tell me I was crazy for feeling the way I felt, but I sensed a new
desperation in him and I feared that it was borne of him letting go of the hope that I would come
around—thateventuallywe’dfindourwaybacktogetheragain.

ThatIhadgivenuphopewasbadenough.Selfishly,Ididn’twantJaketo.

I spent the night with him again, positive now that he understood there wasn’t more to it than me
graspingatalastchancetosoakinthetemporarypleasureofbeingwithhim.

Jakeleaneddowntobeheardoverthewind.“Let’sleavethemforamoment.”

I nodded and followed him back over the bluffs to where we’d parked the car up on Lincoln
Boulevard. It was much warmer in San Francisco but it was windy off the water and I was glad to
returntothecar.

Weweresilentforawhile,takinginthemagnitudeofwhatBeckwasgoingthrough.Ineverwanted
tobeinapositiontounderstandwhathewasdealingwith.Itwasbadenoughbeingdistantwithmy
fathertheselastfewmonths.Icouldn’timaginelosinghimcompletely.

“ItallcomesbacktomewalkingawaywhenIwasseventeen,”Jakesuddenlysaid,joltingmeoutof
mythoughts.

Confused,Isaid,“Whatdoes?”

“Everythingthat’shappenedtous.Brett’sdeath.Mebreakingupwithyou.Theshitwewentthroughto
find each other again only for your parents and sister not to forgive me like you did. You stopped
talkingtoAndiebecauseofit,Andiegotinanaccident,youblamedyourself,youmadeapactwith
Godandnowhavethisirrationalfear,irrationalbutrealnonetheless,whichmeansyou’reafraidwe
can’tbetogether.”Jakeshookhishead.“Idon’tbelievethat.Idon’tbelievethatwehavetokeepbeing
punishedforwhathappenedwhenwewerekids.Idon’tbelievethatthechoiceswebothmadetowalk
awayfromeachotherdefineus.Idon’tbelievethatwecan’ttrustoneanother,andIdon’tbelievethat
wewouldn’tmakeitworkathirdtimearound.IfyouandAndie,ifyouandyourparents,hadn’tfallen
out before the accident, I’m one hundred percent sure you would have had me by your side during
Andie’scoma.Youwouldhaveletmein.Ireallybelievethatfatejustgotinthewayofthisone.”He
grabbed my hand, his eyes imploring. “But really, we’re still kids, Charley. We’ve got so much to
work out about ourselves and about life. Who says then that this is all we get? We’ve got a whole
lifetimethatwecouldusetomakeupforourpast.”

Althoughmyheartwaspoundingfromhisoptimism,Ifoundmyselfattemptingtoremindhimofone
glaringfact.“ButJake—”

“Iknow,Iknow.Yourfear.”Hesighedandsatbackinhisseat.“Wecan’tbetogetheruntilyouworkit
out, Charley. We can’t be together until you work it all out. Your sister, your parents, your career
—you. Go home and face your sister, Supergirl.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a
gentle kiss upon my knuckles. “Go home and find yourself. Take all the time you need. And when
you’redoneandifyoustillwantme,”hegavemeasad,crooked,boyishsmile,“comeandfindme.”

18

ChicagoDecember2013

TherewasapossibilityIwasgoingtoupchuckallovermysisterandRick’sfrontstoop.Itfeltlike
oneminuteI’dbeeninSanFranciscoandthenextIwasinBeverlyreadytofacethefiringsquad.

Itwasn’taminutebutitwasonlyeighthours.

WhatJakehadsaidtomeintheSUVwasabsolutelyright.I’dknownitwasrightforoverfivemonths
butaftermyfirstsemesterinEdinburgh,IthoughtIfinallyhadagrasponwhoIwasandwhereIwas
going.Sotosuddenlyfindmyselflostwasoverwhelming.Ihadn’thandledtheuncertaintyofwhatlay
aheadforme.I’dletmyselfbechangedbythecracksinwhathadalwaysbeenastrongfamilybond
andratherthanfacethosechanges,I’drunfromthemandallthereasonsfortheirexistence.

Perhaps if I’d confided in Jake sooner, I would’ve ended up on Andie’s doorstep months ago. Or
perhapsIneededthetimeanddistancefromalltheplayersinmystorytofindmywaybacktothem.I
guessI’dneverknow.AndIknewI’dneverknowifAndieandIcouldfindourwaybackifIdidn’t
knockonherdoor.

Claudia and Beck had been really understanding. Beck was coping with his own issues and I didn’t
want to take anything away from that. The road trip was about him and I needed to let the three of
themgosotheycouldhelphimworkthatout.Iwasgoingtocallmyparentsandaskthemtobookme
aflighttoChicagofromSanFrancisco,butClaudiainsistedonusingherparents’creditcard.Itried
to say no. Our road trip had been funded by that credit card and I didn’t want to take advantage.
Claudia said it was the only thing her parents were good for, so in the end, that—and my desire to
holdontomycouragewhileIstillhadit—wasthereasonIacceptedherhelp.

Igotataxitotheairport,leavingthethreeofthematthebeach.

Icouldn’tbeartosaytogoodbyetoJakeintheairport…Ididn’tknowwhenorifI’deversayhello
tohimagain.WesharedalookbeforeIgotinthetaxi,hissohopefulandminefilledwithregret.I’d
treatedhimterriblytheselastfewmonthsandyetithadn’tstoppedhimfromtryingtosaveme.

Suddenlymysister ’sdoorflewopenandthereshewas.

Beautiful and fresh-faced, Andie was standing upright and she looked healthy. Her expression,
however,wasblank.“Wereyouplanningonknockingorareyouholdingoutforacareerasaporch
ornament?”

Feelingbreathless,Iwhispered,“Funny.”

Andiestoodbackfromthedoorwayandmadeagestureformetocomeinside.“You’reonlyseven
monthslate.”

IflinchedbutsomehowmanagedtomeethereyesasIsteppedinsideherhomeforthefirsttimesince
heraccident.SheshutthedoorandIwaitedforhertomakethenextmove.ThefactthatIfeltlikea

completestrangerinherhousemademeevenmorenauseatedthanbefore.Panicheldmetothespot.

Andie eyed me for a second. Whatever she saw made the flatness in her eyes disappear. Concern
shonethrough.“Don’tlookatmelikethat,”shesaid.“Itdoesn’tsuityou.”

“I’msorry,”Iblurtedout.

After a moment of intense scrutiny, Andie nodded. “I know. Come on.” She walked through her
spaciousentryhallandintothelivingroom.“Rick’satwork.”

“Probablyagoodthing,”Imuttered.

“Why’sthat?”ShefloppeddownintothearmchairandIrealizedmyparents’reportsonherrecovery
weretrue,andI’dmissedallherhardwork.

IshruggedasIloweredmyselfontohercouch.“I’mguessinghe’snottoohappywithmerightnow.”

Insteadofyayornayingmysuspicions,Andiejuststaredatme.

Forcingthenauseaasideandtryingtofindthemewhowouldn’tbeintimidated,Ikeptmygazesteady
onhers.“Howhaveyoubeen?Howhastherecoverybeen?”

“Myrecoveryhasbeenfine.ImissedmyowngraduationandIwasworriedforawhilethatthejobI
had waiting for me was in jeopardy, but it all worked out.” She shrugged, barely giving me any
emotion.

Inarrowedmyeyes.“Areyoujusttellingmewhatyou’vebeentellingeveryoneelse?”

“Well,whatdoyouwanttohear,Charley?”Shenarrowedhereyesrightbackatme.“Thatwakingup
fromafourteen-daycomawaspetrifying?ThatIhadnightmaresformonths?Thatmyfiancéworries
every time I step outside the door? That I’ve developed a fear of yellow cabs? That I had to be
emotionallyandmentallyevaluatedandclearedbeforethey’dletmestartwork?Thatallofthispales
incomparisontothefactthatninemonthsago,mylittlesisterstoppedtalkingtomeandIfeellike
I’vebeenmissinganarmeversince?”

Iheldherstareandletherangerandhurtfloodintomelikeatsunami.Shedeservedthechancetolet
mehaveitandIbelievedIdeservedtotakeit.

***

“Soareyougoingtosayanythingeveragain?”Andieaskedpatiently.Sheglancedattheclockonthe
mantelaboveherfireplace.“It’sbeentenminutes.”

I eased back against her sofa. “I’m trying to put the right words together to apologize but I can’t.
Therearenorightwords.I’msorryweargued.I’msorryIchoseJakeoveryou.I’msorryIdidn’t
talk to you for weeks. And I am beyond sorry that I couldn’t get unstuck from the quagmire I’ve

foundmyselfinsinceJake…andeverything…I’msorryIdidn’tgetunstuckandbraveandfaceyou.
I’msorryIdidn’thelpyougetthroughthis.”

***

Andie placed coffee on the table in front of me before sitting back down on the armchair, her own
mugclaspedinherhands.Shecurledherfeetunderneathherandtookasip.

Iwaitedforhertosaysomething.

I’dbeenwaitingfortwentyminutes.

“Areyougoingtosayanythingnow?”

Shecockedherheadtothesidetostudyme.“Whatwouldyoulikemetosay?”

“Idon’tknow.Anything.”

“You’relying.”

Ialmostrolledmyeyes.Shewasusinghertherapistvoice.Irefrainedandnodded.“Okay,Iadmitit.I
wantyoutoforgiveme.”

***

TimeseemedtomoveslowlyasIwaitedforAndie’sreply.Shemademewaitwhileshesippedher
coffeeuntiltherewasnothinglefttosip.Iwaitedwhilesheleanedforwardtoplaceheremptymugon
thetablebeforeslowlysittingback.

“Doesthislengthysilencemeanit’sirreparable?”

Andie’sexpressionturnedcuriousatthequestion.“What’sirreparable?”

“ThedamageI’vedonetothisfamily.”

She was silent so long, I feared we were about to sit through another twenty minutes of torturous
quiet,butthenherexpressionturnedpained.“Iknewit.IhopedIwaswrong,butIknewit.”

“Knewwhat?”

“That the reason it’s taken you this long to turn up on my doorstep is because you’ve taken on the
blameforthiswholething.”

Shocked,Isaid,“Don’tyoublamemeforthiswholething?”

Insteadofansweringmyquestion,Andieleanedforward.“IsittrueyoutooktheLSATs?Thatyou’re
goingtolawschool?”

Iwasn’ttheretodiscussmyfuturecareer.Iwastheretomendourrelationship.“Andie—”

Sheheldupahand,cuttingmeoff.“Lawschool?”

Isighedandreluctantlynodded.“Yes.Lawschool.”

“Lasttimewespoke,you’ddecidedtopursuethepoliceacademy.Iwanttoknowwhatchanged.”

“Whyarewetalkingaboutthis?”

Andieraisedaneyebrowatme.“Becauseit’simportant.”

***

“Anansweranytimenowwouldbegood.”

I didn’t want to talk about my career or anything that wasn’t about Andie and repairing our
relationship.Thistimewassupposedtobeabouther.ButI’dbeensittingtherefortenminutestrying
tododgethequestion.

Iheavedanothersigh.“Iwouldthinkitwasobvious.”Whenshemadenoreply,Icontinued,“Andie,
youdidn’tseewhatyouraccidentdidtoMomandDad.Theyheldittogetherbutbarely.Theynearly
lostyouandittookitstoll.Itmadethem…fragile,vulnerableinawayIdidn’texpect,inawaythat
scared me. I don’t ever want to put them through something like that again. You don’t know how
relievedtheywerewhenItoldthemIwouldn’tpursueacareerasacop.”

Icouldtellbythelookinhereyesthatmysisterunderstood,buttherewassomethingelsetheretoo.
“Andwhataboutyou?Whataboutwhatyouwant?Whataboutyourhappiness?”

“I’mnotdoingthisoutofmartyrdom.Idon’twantthemtohavetogothroughthatagain.Iwantedto
beacop.ButIneedmyfamilytobeokaymore.I’mcompromising.”Ileanedforward,hopingshe
couldseethesincerityinmyeyes.“Itwashardtomakethatdecision.Andyes,Ifeelalittlelostright
now,butIdon’tregretgivingMomandDadpeaceofmind.Careers…theycomeandgo,right?It’s
thepeopleinourliveswhoareimportant.SoI’mokaywiththisdecision.”

Afterafewmoments,Andienodded.“Okay.”

***

“Ifeltlostforawhileaftertheaccident,”Andiespokeup,breakingthesilence.

Iwaitedforhertoelaborate.

“You said you feel lost.” She explained, “I’m just saying, I get it. Everything felt different after the
accident.MomandDadweredifferent.EvenRick.Andyou…youweren’tthereatall.Waspartofthat
becauseyoufeellost?”

Inodded.“You’reapartofme.Likealimb.Likelungs.Tobeme,trulyme,Ineedyouinmylife.It’s
alwaysgoingtobehardformetofindmyselfifyou’renotinmylife.”Emotionclawedatmychest.
“Icouldn’tmovepasttheguiltanditchangedme.I’msorryIwasn’tstronger.”

“Iwasmadatyou,”shesaid.“LikeImentionedbefore,whenIwasinrecovery,Iwasprettyscared.
I’veneverbeenscaredlikethatandthat’spartlybecauseI’vealwayshadthisbravelittlesisterinmy
lifewhosomehowmanagedtomakemefeelsafe.”SheglancedawayandIcaughttheshimmerinher
eyes.“IwaslosttooandIwasmadatyou.”

Ilookedatmyhands,tryingtofindtherightwords.“Idon’tknowhowtomakesenseofwhy.Ican
trytoexplain…”

“I’mlistening,”sheprompted.

Mystomachflippedasitallrushedme,allthereasonsmylifehadspiraledoutofcontroltheselast
few months. It all tumbled out of my mouth, just like it had done with Jake. “I felt like I was being
punished.Youraccident,IfeltlikeitwaspunishmentforthewayItreatedyou,forputtingJakebefore
you. The guilt was just…” I sucked it up and for the next twenty minutes, I told her everything I’d
confessed to Jake. My terror that Andie would die. My guilt, my bargain with God, the resentment,
andthentheparalysiswhenshewokeup.

Andiewasquietforawhile,scrutinizingmeinthatinnerpsychiatristwayofhers.Shewassoquiet,I
wasafraidI’dmuckeduptheexplanation.

But then she said, “I stopped being mad at you pretty quickly during my recovery. I went back to
worryinglikeIhadbeenforthemonthswedidn’ttalk.EspeciallyafterRickandMomandDadtold
me you were by my side more than anyone when I was in the coma. It hurt that you didn’t come
aroundformyrecoveryorafter,butIforgiveyouforthat,Charley.Iforgaveyoumonthsago.”

***

Once the little niggle of resentment I’d been feeling over Andie’s confession was swamped by the
reliefthatshe’dforgivenme,Iaskedcalmly,“Ifyouforgaveme,whydidn’tyoucometoseeme?”

AndiegavemeherI’msmarterthanyoulookthatalwaysdrovemecrazy.“Becauseofwhoyouare.
Everythingyoujusttoldme,withtheexceptionofyourpactwithGod,Ialreadyguessed.Momand
DadtoldmeaboutlawschoolandIknewthatthiswholethinghadtobeimpactedbythat.Iknowyou
better than anyone, maybe even better than you know yourself. And I knew that if I made the first
move,you’dholdontoyourguiltuntilyourfingersbled.Youneededtobetheonetopushpastit,to
bebravelikealways,andcometomefirst.Itwastheonlywayyou’dfeelokayaboutyourself.”

Ishookmyhead.“Yousayyouforgiveme,butwebothknowIstillshould’vebeenhere.”

“Howcouldyouhavebeen?Youwereinanothercountry.”

“I wasn’t even here emotionally, though,” I insisted, a part of me needing her to be mad at me to
substantiatemyownself-reproach.

“Charley, why do you always need to save people? Who you are is going to crush you unless you
learntoeaseuponyourself.Youcan’tcontrolfate.Youcan’tsaveeveryone.”

“ButIshouldn’thaveputJakebeforeyou.Ishouldn’thavetreatedyoulikethat.SurelyyouagreeI’m
toblameforthat?”

“No,Idon’t.”Andieshookherheadstubbornly.“Abouttwoweeksafterthattelephoneconversation,
RickandIgotintoabigargumentaboutit.I’dbeensnappingathimforeverylittlethingbecauseI
waspissedatyou.Finallyhe’dhadenoughandtoldmethatIwaspartlytoblameformyargument
withyou.”Shelaughedsoftly.“AndyouknowthatpissedmeoffevenmorebecauseIknewhewas
right.” Andie leaned forward, her expression sincere. “Charley, I should never have put you in that
position.Iwaslivinginthepast.IwasscaredJakewasgoingtohurtyoulikehedidbefore.Whenhe
leftlasttime,Icamebacktothiskidwhowasn’tmysisteranditscaredmeshitless.Andnotjustfor
youbutselfishlyforme,too.I’vealwaysneededyoutobestrongandbrave,andwhenJakeleftyou,I
suddenlyrealizedyouweremortal,justliketherestofus.”

Stunned,myvoicewashuskywithemotion.“Ineverknewyoufeltthatway.”

“Because it sounds silly. I’m a grown-up. We’re supposed to stop hero-worshipping and putting
people up on pedestals after the age of ten. But you bounced back from Jake, and yeah, you were
different,butyouwerestrongstillandyouweremysisteragain.Ijustdidn’twanttolosethat.SoI
pushedmyopiniononyouandIletDad’soverprotectivenessaboutthewholethingfuelmyopinion
andsomewherealongtheline,Iforgottotrustyou.Ourargumentwasmyfault.Youshouldn’thave
handleditthewayyoudidbutIshouldn’thavetriedtomakeyouchoosebetweenthepeopleyoulove.
Itputyouinanimpossibleposition,Charley.ItoldDadthattoo.”Shesmiled.“Ithinkhemayeven
havelistened.SoifJakeistheguyforyou,IpromiseI’llsupportyouonit.IpromiseI’lltrustyou.”

Iblinkedrapidlyagainstthetears.“Itdoesn’tmatternow.”

“Ofcourseitmatters.Youjusttoldmehowyoutreatedtheguytheselastfewmonthsandstillhewas
thereforyou—hehelpedgetyouhere.Forthatalone,I’mwillingtogivethiskidanothershot.”

“Didn’tyouhearmeearlier?IpromisedGodIwouldn’tbewithJakeifHesavedyou.”

Andie reached for my hand and I squeezed hers in return, so grateful for her forgiveness. “This
irrationalfearofyoursthatifyoubreakyourpactwithGodsomethingbadwillhappentome,it’snot
uncommon.Ireadaboutthesekindsoffearsinmyresearch.Menwholosetheirfathersatayoung
ageoftenhaveacripplingbeliefthattheythemselveswon’tlivepasttheagetheirfatherswerewhen
they died. People who offer to sacrifice something to God if He’ll save a loved one is a common
occurrence. When the loved one lives, the person often believes that God held up His side of the
bargain.Theythensacrificewhattheypromisedforfearofreprisal.Thesekindsofbeliefsandfears
seem beyond irrational to other people, but they can take such a strong foothold that people make
choicesarounditthattheyshouldn’t.”Hergriponmetightened.“Youstoppedgoingtochurchwhen

youwereoldenoughtodecidewhetheryouhadfaithinGodorfaithinthepeoplearoundyou.You
toldmethatfornow,you’dstickwithpeoplebecausetheyhadproventhemselvestoyouandsofar
God hadn’t. Listen to me when I tell you that I woke up from that coma because I wasn’t finished
here.”Hereyesshonebrightwithtears.“Ineedyoutohavefaithinthat, and not in some deal you
madewithadeityI’mnotevensureyoureallybelievein.”

Ibrushedatthetearsfallingbeyondmycontrol.“Idon’tknowifit’sthateasy.Theselastfewmonths
withoutyouhavebeenthehardestofmylife,andnowI’mjustterrifiedoflosingyou.”

“Gettingthroughthatfear…it’snotgoingtohappenovernight,Supergirl.Thisisthefirsttimewe’ve
talkedinmonths.It’sgoingtotaketime.Butwe’regoingtomaketime.”Shemovedandwrappedher
armsaroundme.Ihuggedmysistertight.“You’llfindyourself.”

“WhatifIcan’tgetbacktowhoIwas?”Iwhispered.

“You won’t because it’s not about going back. It was never about going back. It was about doing
something,anything,butstandingstill.Youdidthat.Youcametomeeventhoughyouwerepetrified
oftheoutcome.Sonow…it’saboutmovingforwardandgrowingup.”Shekissedmyforehead.“It
sucksatfirst,butitgetsbetter.”

19

ChicagoFebruary2014

“SoItalkedwithmyMomandDadaboutcareers.”

Dr.Bremnergavemeanodofencouragement.“And?”

“Itwentwell,actually.Wecompromised.Istudylawnextfall.WhenIgraduate,we’lltalkaboutthe
policeacademyagainandwhetherthey’recomfortablewiththeidea.”

Afterfinallygettingupthenervetofacemysister,IwenthometoLantonwithAndiefortheweekend.
IsweartoGodthedistancebetweenmydadandmemeltedassoonasIwalkedinthedoorwithmy
sisteratmyside.Hehuggedustight,reliefandpridebackinhiseyes.Momwasmuchthesame.Asa
familywesatdownandtalkedeverythingthroughwithhonestyandasmuchcalmaswecouldmuster.

Itwasn’talltiedupneatlyinabow.Andiehadforgivenmebutshewasstillmadithadtakenmeso
longtocomecheckonher.Andshehadeveryrighttobeangry.Iwasstillalittlepissedatmydadfor
the way he’d treated me and after I explained everything I’d been going through, he and Mom had
guiltylooksontheirfaces.EspeciallywhenAndietoldthemitwasJakewho’dhelpedmeworkitout.
I’dtriedtotellmydadathisautoshopthatday,andalthoughitmadehimeaseuponme,hehadn’t
gone out of his way to help me work it out. He expected me to do it alone because that’s who he
thoughtIwas.That’swhoIthoughtIwastoo.

Butoverthelastfewmonths,AndieandDr.Bremner,hercolleague,hadshownmethatitdidn’tmake
meweaktoaskforhelpfromfriendsandfamily.Itdidn’tmakemeanylessofaperson.

Andie had talked me into seeing a psychiatrist because she thought it would help me organize my
thoughtsandrealizewhatitwasIwantedoutoflife.Dr.BremnerandIweretakingitstepbystepand
hadspenttimetalkingaboutmycareer.Shedidn’tjusttakemywordatfacevalue—shewantedmeto
digdeepsoI’dknowforsureifgivinguptheacademywassomethingIcouldlivewithinthelong
run.Iwaswillingtodowhatittooktogivemyfamilypeaceofmind,butIalsowantedacareerthat
wouldmakemefeellesspowerless.BecauseAndiewasrightintheend.Ihadacrazysaviorcomplex
anditneededanoutlet.

IpassedtheLSATswithflyingcolorsandwasacceptedintolawschoolattheUniversityofChicago.
A few weeks ago Andie invited me to stay with her and Rick for the weekend and they had Rick’s
friend over for dinner. He was a public defender. He didn’t make the kind of money I’m sure my
parents would want me to make after paying for such an expensive education, but this guy was so
passionateabouthisjob,thataspectofitdidn’tbotherme.Hesaiditcamewithgoodandbad.Itwas
hardtodefendpeoplewhowereguiltyofheinouscrimesnomatterifyouwereapublicdefenderor
workingforaprivatelawfirm,butitwasbalancedbythefactthathegottohelppeopleinimpossible
situationsandmaybegivethemasecondchance.

ItwasanotherviewpointIhadn’tconsidered.

And that’s when I really started to think. The smart plan for me was to get a law degree, do the
internships,andthendecidewhatIwantedtodowithmylife.Itwasthreeyearsaway,andanything
could happen in three years. However, I was also not quite ready to give up on the idea of the
academy.

SoAndiehadaccompaniedmeformoralsupportlastweekendwhileIdiscussedthepossibilitywith
myparents.Theystillfeltuneasyaboutitbutagreedthattheywouldn’tknowhowthey’dfeelaboutit
inthreeyears’time,either,andwecouldtalkaboutitthen.

“Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?”Dr.Bremnersaid.“Doestheuncertaintymakeyouuneasy?”

“Notanymore.I’mlearningpatience.”

Shesmiled.“Good.”Hereyesflickedtotheclock.“That’stime.”

Istoodup.“I’llseeyouinafewweeks?”

“Inafewweeks,”sheagreed.“PerhapswecanfinallytalkaboutJake.”

Mybreathwhooshedoutofmeatthethought.“Okay,”Isaidquietly.

IfeltalittleoffbalanceasIwandereddownthehalltomysister ’soffice.Thelightoutsideherdoor
wasn’ton,whichmeantshedidn’thaveapatient.

She sat behind her desk in the corner of the room, her back to the floor-to-ceiling windows that
lookedoutovertheStreetervilleareaofChicago.Herofficewascozyandcomfortablecomparedto
Dr.Bremner ’s clinical one.Andie had afat, comfy fabric sofafor her clientswhile Bremner had a
blackleatherchaisethatsqueakedwiththeslightestmovement.

MyeyesstrayedtotheframedquotebehindAndie’sdesk.

Itsucksatfirst.Butitgetsbetter.

Ithoughtthewordsshe’dsaidtomeallthoseweeksagoweresofittingforherjobthatI’dhadthem
printedonthickwhitepaperinembosseddarkgoldandframedforheroffice.Iwasn’tsureifshe’d
actuallyhangit,butitwentuprightaway.Shesaiditwasthefirstthingherclientssawuponentering,
andmostthoughtitfunny.

“Thattimealready?”Andiesaid,lookingupfromherlaptop.

“Yup.Youready?”

“Givemetwominutes.”

IvisitedChicagoeverythreeweekstotalktoBremnerandafterwards,AndiedroveustoLantonto
spendtheweekendwithourparents.Itwasn’tapermanentthingbutIthinkwebothfeltweneededto
doittoreturnourfamilytosomekindofnormality.

We arrived in Lanton a few hours later and walked into our parents’ house, greeted by the magical
aromaofbrisketandsteamedveggies.

Sitting at dinner, I noted that the grim quality in my father ’s eyes was gone now. There was still
somethingweightyinhisexpressionandIdon’tthinkthatwouldevergoaway.He’dcomecloseto
losingakidandIthinkheandMomwouldcarrythatwiththemalways.Buttheywerebothdoingso
muchbetter,andMomnolongervisitedthecemeterytofindunderstandingfromherdeadmother.I
sawthatasaplus.

“I’msorryClaudiahadtocancelthisweekend,”Momsaidafterpassingaroundthebroccoli.

Ialmostsniggeredatthethoughtofmylove-struckfriend.“Well,Beck’sbandisplayingapopular
barinEvanstonandshelikestobeathisgigstokeepthegroupiesaway.They’restartingtoreally
makeanameforthemselvesinChicago.”

Dadfrowned.“Iftheyhititbig,she’llhavetolearntodealwiththat.Shebetterthinkonitcarefully—I
don’twanthertogethurt.”

Ifeltwarmthinmychestovermydad’sconcernformybestfriend.Herparentswerenevergoingto
providethatforher,butIwasgladshehadagoodsubstitute.“Shehas.Itmakesheruncomfortable,
butshe’swillingtodealwithitforBeck.”Isnorted.“Hetoldhershehadnothingtoworryabout.He
convincedherwithhisusualhard-to-say-no-tocharm.”

Dadshookhishead,smirking.“Heshouldteachthatstuff.”

MydadlikedBeck.He’dgottentoknowhimalittlewhentheyjoinedmyfamilyforChristmas.Dad
likedthewayhewaswithClaudiaandwasjustassusceptibletohiseasycharmaseverybodyelsewas.
Butitwasmorethanthat.ThedeathofhisfatherhadmadeBeckalittlegrave.Heseemedtohavean
understandingofwhatwasimportantandhowlittletimewehavetoappreciateit.Anairofmaturity
floatedaroundBeckthathadn’tbeentherebefore,andmydadlikedit.

Ichuckled.“He’sonlyspeakingthetruth.It’shardtocompetewithsomeonelikeClaudia.”

“Yeah, but if they get famous, they’ll get the crazy girls who don’t care how beautiful a rocker ’s
girlfriend is or how much in love with her he is. They’ll do anything to get in his pants,” Andie
warned.

“Iknow.AndClaudiaknowsthat.ButshetrustsBeckandsodoI.”

AndthatwasagoodthingnowthatheandClaudwereapackagedeal.Theyalternatedweekendsat
eachother ’sapartment,soIsawquiteabitofhim.WhenClaudiawasinChicagofortheweekend,I
hungoutwithAlexandfriendsfromcollege.

Ididn’thangoutwiththerestofTheStolen.Forobviousreasons.

ItalkedtoLoweonthephoneoccasionallyandcaughtupwiththeguys’anticsthroughhimandBeck.
AndalsothroughJake.

JakeandIemailedoneanothernow.Wehadn’tspokenonthephoneandwehadn’tseeneachother
sinceSanFrancisco,butwehadn’tcompletelyletgoofoneanotheryet,either.

Itstartedwithme.IknewIwasn’treadytodealwithourrelationshiporlackthereof,butIalsodidn’t
wantustobestrangers.SoIsenthimanemail,tellinghimaboutmyreconciliationwithAndieand
askinghimabouttherestoftheroadtrip.

Andsowebecamepenpals.Ireceivedandsentanemailonceaweek,andIlookedforwardtoJake’s
email like I was waiting on a million-dollar check to arrive. I even sent him a birthday present last
month. It was an imported seven-inch red vinyl of Pearl Jam’s “Daughter.” I thought it would look
coolonhiswall,andJakeseemedtoagreewhenheemailedtothankme.

IwishIcould’veseenhisfacewhenheopenedit.

“YourmomandIwerethinkingitmightbenicetorentaplaceinGrandHaventhissummer.Thought
thefiveofuscouldspendalongweekendupthere.”

Andiegrinned.“Soundsgood,Dad.JustletmeknowwhatdatessoIcanscheduleit,andsoRickcan
gettimeoff.”

Dadturnedtome.“Charley?”

“I’mthere,definitely.”

Pleased,henoddedandreturnedtohisbrisket.

IfeltMom’seyesonmeandIlookeduptomeethergaze.ShegavemeasmallsmilethatIwasn’t
quite sure I understood. It didn’t matter what it meant. There was peace in it and comfort in the air
aroundus—notanounceofbrittletensiontobefound.

Iwasfinallygettingmyfamilyback.

***

Myphonehadvibratedinmypocketoveranhourago,butIhadn’twantedtoberudeandbailonmy
familytocheckmyemail.IwaitedimpatientlyuntilAndiecalleditanightandIquicklydidthesame.
Onceinmyoldroom,Ishutthedoorandhurriedtomylaptop.

TheemailfromJakewaswaitinginmyinbox.

IfeltaflutterofnervesinmybellyasIsankintomydeskchairandclickedthemailopen.

Charley,

Mymomaskedmehomefordinnertonight.Soundsinnocentenough,huh?Well,letmetellyouit
wasn’t.Iexpectedahome-cookedmealandwatchingsportswithmydad.InsteadIwalkedinonmy
littlebrotherhavingsexwithhisshylittlelibrarian.

I’mscarredforlife.

Let’sjustsayshylibrarianhasakinkysideandInowknowmoreaboutmybrother’ssexlifethan
anyone should ever know, let alone a blood relative. I went back to my apartment as quickly as
possibleto tryto ridmyself ofthe image.I thinkif Ireturn totherapy sessions,I’ll somehow get
backontrackwithmylife.

Speaking of, I got accepted into the University of Chicago graduate school for molecular
engineering. The parents are very proud. I’m crapping myself. The guys are finished with school
aftergraduation,andI’mgoingtocontinuetobeastudentforthenexthowevermanyyears.Istill
feellikeI’mdeliberatelyprolongingtheinevitabilityofadulthood.Knowingyou’llbegoingtolaw
schoolmakesmefeelbetteraboutit,though.

On that subject… are you ever going to tell me which schools you got accepted into? Are you
desertingtheMidwestforStanfordlikeyousaidyouprobablywould?

Inquiringmindswouldliketoknow.

It’sgoingtobeweirdnextyearwithouttheguys.Iknowthey’llbethere,butthey’llbedoingtheir
band stuff and whatever manual labor they can find until the day they hopefully get signed. Our
worldsaregoingtobedifferent.Allofourworldsare,Iguess.Ididn’trealizehowmuchIdepended
onthem.Don’ttellthemthat,though.Mattgetsclingywhenyoushowhimtoomuchaffection.

Claudiaishereattheapartment.Shesaidyou’rehomewithyourparentsthisweekend.That’sgood.
Itakeitthat’sgood,right?You,Andie,andyourfolksarefinallybacktonormal?Claudiaseemsa
whole lot less worried about you and you sound better in your emails, so I’m guessing things are
startingtopulltogetherforyou.I’mgladtohearit.Iknowwhatit’sliketobewhereyouareand
it’snotgreat.Butyou’restrong,Charley.Iknewyou’dgetthroughit.

AsforClaudia,it’scooltoseehowmuchshe’schangedsinceBarcelona.Ithoughtwe’dfuckedup
majorlytakinghertomeetthatdick,butit’sallturnedoutokay.Beck’scrazyabouther.It’salittle
unsettlingbutI’mlearningtolivewithitsinceClaud’shappyanddeservestobe.AlthoughIwould
likeitifshe’dstopmakingsoup.Ourapartmentreeks.Maybeyoucouldcasuallymentionittoher
forme?

Igottagonow.Denver’syellingatmetogetmyassoutthedoortosomeparty.Haveaniceweekend
withyourfolks.

Talksoon.

Jake

Istaredatthescreen,feelingawholebunchofemotionsIwasn’tsureIhadanyrighttofeel.Jake’s
emailsalwaysmademelaughandthistimewasnoexception.Yettherewaspanicuponhearingwe’d
bothbeatUofCnextfall.TherewasthestupidjealousyIfeltoverthefactthatClaudiagottospend
time with him when I didn’t. There was anxiety over him going to a party and possibly meeting
someone.Thatquestionplaguedmeallthetime.Ididn’tknowifhewasseeinganybody.Ididn’tknow
ifhe’dmeantitwhenhetoldmethathe’dwaitforme.AllIknewwasthatasmuchasIlovedreading

his emails, they also kind of devastated me. He never flirted. He never alluded to his feelings, our
brokenrelationship,oriftherewasafutureforus.SoIdidn’t,either.

Thatemotionaldistancewascrippling.

YetIcouldn’tgiveupthoseemails.WhileIfloatedinlimbooverJake,thoseemailskeptmetethered
tohim.

WestLabayelle,March2014

TheBrewhousewaspacked,bodiescrammedtogetheratthebar,aroundtables,butmostlyaroundthe
stage.Andmostofthosebodiesweregirls.

AfriendofDenver ’sworkedatWCCR,thecollegeradiostationhereatPurdue,andhe’dgottenThe
Stolen some serious air play over the last few weeks running up to their gig at The Brewhouse.
ClaudiaandIpinnedpostersofthebandeverywhere.Allthemarketingseemedtohavepaidoff.

IsmirkedasagirltriedtograbLowe’slegandhesomehowmanagedtoavoidcontactwhilewearing
awickedlysweetsmilethatplacatedher.IshotalookatClaudiaandwassurprisedtoseeshelooked
calmaboutthegirlspantingoverthebandandoverherboyfriend.

ItmighthavehadsomethingtodowiththefactthatBeckdidn’tlookatanyofthosegirls.Heeither
watchedClaudiaorwastoolostinthemusictobefocusedonanyoneelse.

Alex, Sharon, and Claudia were trying to talk—shout—over the music, but I’d given up on
conversation.Iwasn’tinachattymoodanywayandhadn’tbeensincereceivingJake’semailtwodays
ago.

Charley,

IknowtheguysareplayingPurduethisweekendbutIwantedtoletyouknowIwon’tmakeit.It’s
mymom’sbirthdaythatweekendandDad’sgotthiswholebigdinnerthingplanned.

Haveagreattime.

Jake

Up until the email, I’d been worried sick about Jake appearing because I wasn’t sure how I would
cope.IknewthatIlovedhim,butIstillwasn’tsurewewereintherightplacetostartourrelationship
upagain,soIdidn’twanttoseehim.Iknewseeinghimwouldripopenthelonginginsidemeand
maybecausemetoactrashly.

Nowthathewasn’tcoming,Iwasworried.Hisemailsweregettingshorterandifpossible,evenmore
emotionallydistant.

Iwaslosinghim.

Honestly,Iwasn’tsurprised.He’dbeenmorethanpatientandIhadbeenmorethanconfusing.

ClaudianudgedmysideandIglancedather.“Youokay?”sheshoutedoverthemusic.

“I’mfine,”Imouthedandturnedbacktolookatthestage,feelingherconcernedstareburninginto
thesideofmyface.

When the guys finished their set, I was relieved—not because I didn’t love listening to them play, I
did,butbecausehangingoutwiththemusuallytookmymindoffotherthings.SuchasJake’sabsence.

Theguysmanagedtomagicallyfinagleatableoncethey’dgottenpastmostoftheflushed,bothered
girls trying to cram their numbers in the guys’ pockets. Even when we all sat down, girls hovered
nearby,watchingthemall.BeckpulledClaudiadownontohislapandshewillinglysatthereforhim
becauseshewashishumanshieldagainstobnoxiousgirls.

Lowesmirkedatthemaneuverbeforehequirkedaquestioningeyebrowinmydirection.

Ishookmyhead.“Don’teventhinkabout.”

“Ihaveaverynicelap.”Hepoutedandhislipringstuckoutcomically.

Withlaughterinmyvoice,Isaid,“Tempting,butI’llpass.”

“Willyouatleasthelpmegetthedrinks?”HenoddedhisheadtowardthebarandIstoodinanswer.

Weweavedourwaythroughthecrowd,gettingstoppedbyguysandgirlswhowantedtocongratulate
Loweandtellhimhowmuchtheyenjoyedtheshow.

“Wow,”Isaidaswemovedintothecrowdaroundthebar.“You’re,like,famous.”

Hegavemeadrolllook.“Justcatchingon.”

Ipunchedhimplayfully.“I’mserious.Youguysaredoingwell.Paidgigs,airplay…”

Lowegavemeashygrin.“Yeah,thingsarestartingtogetserious.Peopleactuallyknowusbackin
Chicago. It’s surreal but it’s good. We’ve got a meeting with a small label next week. I don’t think
we’regoingtotakeanoffer,butwewanttotalk,getexperiencewiththatstuff,showourinterestin
movingforwardwiththeband.”

Myeyesroundedatthenews.“Lowe,that’samazing.Youguysdeserveit.”

Ifelthisarmslidearoundmywaistandhegavemeafriendlyhalfhug.“Thankyou.”Heduckedhis
head,bringingitclosetomine.“It’sgoodtoseeyou,Redford.We’veallmissedyou.”

“I’vemissedyouguystoo.”Ismiledalittlesadlyandhecaughtitandgavemeanothersqueeze.

Unabletostopmyself,Isaid,“How’sJake?”

Lowe’seyebrowsdrewtogether.“Ithoughtyouguyswereemailing.”

“We are.” I shrugged. “But we don’t really talk about anything real anymore. I just…” My heart
pounded so hard in my chest, I felt it in my throat. The nausea quickly followed. “Is he seeing
someone?”

Loweinstantlystiffenedwithdiscomfort.

“OhmyGod.”Ilookedaway,feelingpanicclawatmyinsides.

“No,notohmyGod.”Lowetuggedonmywaisttodrawmyeyesbacktohis.Sincerityshonethrough
themashesaid,“He’snotseeinganyone.Ijustdon’tthinkit’smyplacetotalkaboutthisstuff.”

“Iknow.It’sjustBeckandClaudiarefusetotalkaboutit,andIwantedtoknowifhe’smovedon.If
he’ssleepingwithothergirls.”

Studying me for a moment, taking in my pleading eyes with a huff of annoyance, Lowe replied, “I
can’t not give in to you.” He shook his head in consternation. “This is how Jake must feel all the
time.”

“Well?”

“Truth?Jakehasgirlscomeontohim.Doeshegohomewithanyofthem?No.”

Reliefwhooshedthroughme.“Really?”

His expression suddenly turned disapproving. “He knows what it’s like to have you in his bed.
Nothing else measures up right now because he still loves you. I feel bad for the guy. I’m also
confusedasfuckbecauseIlookatyouandIknowhowcrushedyou’dbeifyoufoundouthewaswith
someothergirl.IlookatyouandIknowyouloveJake.WhatIcan’tunderstandiswhyyou’renot
withhim.”

“Because,”Itriedtoexplain,“ifwedothisathirdtime,webothbetterbesure.Rightnow,I’mstill
tryingtofigureotherstuffout.”

Lowerolledhiseyes.“Nottobeashit,Charley,butyou’retwenty-one.We’realltryingtofigurestuff
outattwenty-one.Youthinkyou’retheonlyonewhohasacrisisofidentityincollege?You’renot.
Anditdoesn’tmeanyoushouldputtheimportantstuffonhold.”

Feelingalittlestung,Imovedoutofhisembrace.“You’reright.You’reashit.”

“Yeah,well…”Hecurledhishandsaroundmyupperarmsandturnedmetofacehim.“Ihavealittle
bitofablindspotwhenitcomestoyouandI’vefoundmyselfmakingexcusesforthewayyou’ve
actedthislastyear.ButIcan’tjustifythewayyou’veplayedJake.LastJanuaryIwastheonetelling
youtowatchyourbackwithJake.Iwaspissedforwhatyouhadtogothroughwatchinghimbewith
Melissawhilehedangledyouonastring.Nowyou’redoingthesamethingtohim.”

Igloweredathim.“It’snotlikethat.Jakeknowsit’snotlikethat.”

Lowewasimmunetomyglower.“Jake’sbeenafuckingmesssincehegotbackfromSanFrancisco,
butIgetthefeelinghe’snotgoingtokeepputtinghimselfthroughthis,whateverthisis,soyeah…

maybeyoushouldgetusedtotheideaofJakemovingonwithhislife.”

Feelingangrytearsprickmyeyes,Iaskedthroughgrittedteeth,“Whyareyoutryingtohurtme?”

Hiseyeswashedovermyfaceandwhatevertheysawmadehisexpressionsoften.“I’mnottryingto
hurtyou,Charley.I’mjusttryingtoprepareyou.”

“You’remadatme.”

“I don’t know if I could ever really be mad at you,” he confessed, sounding almost sad. “But right
now,Idon’tgetyou.”

Angry,butthistimeatmyself,Iglancedawayandpretendedtowatchthebarstaffastheytriedtocull
thecrowdaroundthebar.

Lowe’swarmhandslippedintomineandclaspedittight.Ididn’tlookathim—Icouldn’tforfearI’d
fallapart.InsteadIjustsqueezedhishandbackandtookcomfortfromthefactthatIhadsuchgood
friendswhowouldstickbymeandtrytounderstand,eveniftheyneverreallycould.

ItwasanunderstatementtosayIwasinanevenlousiermoodafterLowegavemeatalking-to.Ihada
drink and pretended that everything was okay for a while, until the room started to feel like it was
closinginonme.

I excused myself and pushed through the socializing students toward the exit. I practically lunged
outside,gulpingtheairasIfloppedagainstthebuilding.

ThenoisefromthebargraduallybecameahumasIstaredupatthesky,rememberingatimebefore
when life was simpler. It would be easy to blame Jake– to pinpoint the time and say it was the day
beforeImethimwhenIwassixteen.Exceptthatwasn’tthetruth.Thetruthwaslifewassimplerthe
daybeforeIlefttospendthesummerinMiamiwithmyaunt,uncle,andcousins.ItwasthesummerI
felt the impact of my cousin Ethan’s death. The hole he left behind, the tear his death caused in my
family’shearts,andalltheanswershismomanddadnevergot.Thejusticetheyneverfound.

Lifewasn’tsimpleafterthat.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Ifeltpowerless,andIhatedit.Iwanteditnot
tobethatway,andthat’swhentheideaofbecomingacoplodgedinmyhead.Therewasanaïvetéin
that,Iknewthatnow.Beingacopwouldn’tmakemefeellesspowerlessinbadsituations.Therewas
noremedyforthat.

“Youlookdeepinthought.”

Ijumped,turningwide-eyedtofindBeckleaningagainstthewallbesideme.Ihadn’tevenheardhim
comeoutside.“Yeah,”Isaiddryly.“AndIthinkIwasontosomethingbeforeyouinterrupted.”

Hegavemeanapologetichalfsmile.“Sorry.Ineededsomeair.”

Mygazesharpened,processingthehintofmelancholyinthebackofmyfriend’seyes.“Youokay?”

Henodded,swallowingapullofhisbeer.

Takingastabinthedark,Isaid,“Youthinkingaboutyourdad?”

Beck’seyebrowsdrewtogether.“He’sbeenonmymindalittlelately.DidLowetellyouwehavea
smalllabelinterestedinus?”

“Yeah.”

“DidIevertellyoumydadwasinaband?”

“Youtoldmehewasamusician,butIthoughthewrotejinglesandstuff.”

He shot me an unhappy smile. “Yeah, but that’s not how he started out.” He exhaled, turning so his
backwasflattothewall.HestaredupattheskylikeIhadonlymomentsbefore.“Dadwasinarock
band in his early twenties. For a while it was the most important thing in his life—until he met my
mom. But then the band got signed to a small label in San Francisco and they started touring.” He
stopped talking, his eyes meeting mine, something heavy and grim in their depths. “He loved my
mombutthetourkilledherloveforhim.ThiswasaguywhomovedustoChicagowhentheband
was on break because Mom got a teaching opportunity he didn’t want her to pass up. And he loved
SanFrancisco.Itwaslikelosinganarmtoleavethatplace.Helovedher,though,simpleasthat.But
thenthebandstartingtouringagainandMomcouldn’ttakeit.”IsuddenlyrealizedthatlookinBeck’s
eyeswasdesperation.“Theyarguedwheneverhewashome.Sheaccusedhimofcheatingbutmydad
was adamant up until the end that he never screwed around on her. She didn’t believe him, and she
hatedtherock-starlifestyle.Soshelefthim.”Hisvoicecracked.“Shelefthimandevenwhenheleft
thebandforher,shewouldn’ttakehimback.HestayedinChicagotobeclosetous,startedworking
foradvertisersandstufflikethat.Andheturnedtoalcohol.”

Ididn’tknowwhattosay,itwassoheartbreaking.“Beck…”

Hiseyesburnedintomesuddenly.“Idon’twantthattohappenwithClaudia.Mymusicmeansalotto
me,butIdon’twanttoloseherbecauseofit.”

I was stunned. Shocked even. I had no idea Beck had these thoughts running through his head. “It
won’t.Claudialovesyou.”

“Yeah,andmymomlovedmydad.Butallthegirls…I’venotbeenasaint,soClaudwillhavethatin
thebackofhermindallthetime.Andyouseewhatit’slike.”Hegesturedtowardthebar.“Ifbysome
miracleTheStolenactuallygotsigned,touringwouldchangeeverything.I’dhavecrazygirlstrying
to get into my pants all the time, and I have a smart girlfriend who knows exactly what goes on in
thesetours.HowmuchofthatdoyouthinkClaudiacouldtake?Iwouldnevercheatonher,ever,butit
woulddrivemecrazythinkingofjustoneguywhowantedherandkeptcomingontoher,nevermind
hundreds. You’re not telling me she wouldn’t feel that way too eventually.” He leaned in to me, his
voicelowwithemotion.“SomehowthemostmiraculouspersonIevermetinmylifehasspentmost
of her life feeling unloved and neglected. She deserves to feel like no girl in the world could ever
comeclosetoher.Iwanthertofeelthatwayeveryfuckingday,andIcan’tdothatifI’montour.”

“Beck,whatareyousaying?”Igasped.“Areyouthinkingaboutquittingtheband?”

Heshrugged.“Idon’tknow.IappliedtogradschoolatthesametimeasJakeandIgotin.He’sthe
onlyonewhoknows.”

Ipushedoffthewalltofacehim.“Beck,youhavetotalktoClaudiabeforeyoumakeadecision.She
knowshowmuchTheStolenmeanstoyouandifshethoughtforonesecondyouwerethinkingabout
throwingyourdreamawaybecauseofher,she’d—”

“Haveashitfit,”heinterrupteddryly.“Iknow.”

“Youhavetogiveherachancetoprovethatshecandothisforyou.Lookatherinthere.”Ipointedto
thebar.“Shehandlesthosegirlsfine.Somehow,outofallthecrazinessandallyourconquestsand
draggingyourfeetaboutthetwoofyou,she’sactuallyprettysecureaboutyou.Beck,sheknowsthat
youloveher.Giveherachance.Shemightsurpriseyou.”Igrinned.“She’sbeensurprisingmesince
thedaywemet.”

Beck gave me a small smile but that darkness in his eyes hadn’t dissipated. “We could try it, and it
couldallworkout.Butthere’safiftypercentchancethatitwon’t,andshemeanstoomuchtometo
risklosingher.”

“Beck,we’renottalkingaboutasmallthinghere—we’retalkingaboutyougivingupyourcareer,”I
remindedhim,feelingmorethanalittleoverwhelmedforhim.

He raised his eyebrows. “Right,” he agreed. “It’s called sacrifice or compromise or whatever you
wanttonameit.Itboilsdowntoonething—whatwe’rewillingtogiveupforthepeoplewelove.I
thoughtyouofallpeoplewouldunderstand,Charley.Yougaveuptheacademyforyourparents.And
Igetit,Ido.Theyarewhatmatters.What’sthepointinthememoriesI’llhaveoftouringifattheend
of my life, Claudia isn’t by my side? What’s the point if the person I love the most never made
enoughmemorieswithmetomakemefeelokayaboutmylifecomingtoanend?Mydadhadnoone
intheend.Idon’twantthattobemystorytoo.Youunderstandthat,right?

“You’veputtheacademyonthebackburnerbecauseyouknowthatyoubeingacopcouldpotentially
makeyourparents’livesworse.Andyoulovethemsoifthey’renothappy,you’renothappy.Other
peoplecansaywhateverthefucktheywant.Theycansaytherehastobealine,thatyouhavetochase
yourdreams,otherpeoplebedamned.”Heslumpedagainstthewall.“ButIgetit.”

“Youdo?”Iwhispered.

“Yeah.Thepeopleweloveareoneofourdreamstoo.Sometimesyoujustcan’tchasethemall.So
you’ve got to choose.” He shot me a sad smile. “A guitar won’t keep me warm at night, so
something’sgottogive.”

Islumpedagainstthewalltoo.IwasconfusedforBeck,worriedforhim,butatthesametime,Igot
him and he got me. I suddenly didn’t feel so bad about putting a halt to the whole police academy
thing.“Theynevertoldusitwouldbelikethis,”Igrumbled.

“What?”

“Adulthood.”

Becksighed.“Nope.Theycertainlydidnot.”

20

WestLabayelle,April2014

“Do you still believe that something awful will happen to your sister if you were to resume a
relationshipwithJake?”Dr.Bremnerasked.

Ishookmyheadfirmly.“No.Ithinkyouwererighttobeginwith.IthinkthattheanxietyIwasfeeling
overthebreakdownofmyrelationshipwithAndieandmyparents’disapprovalamplifiedthatfearthat
ifIbrokemygrief-strickenpact,Andiewouldpayforit.It’stakenmeawhilebutthestiflingweightis
gone.”

“Butyoustillhavemomentswhereitaffectsyou?”

“WhenIthinkaboutmyfutureandwhetherJakeisapartofthatfuture,Iwon’tlie.Thethoughtflits
acrossmymind,butIsquashitwithrationality.It’slikealittlemantra.Igivemyselfatalking-to.”

Dr.Bremnernodded.“That’sexcellentprogress.”Sheshuthernotepad.“SowhataboutJake?Doyou
thinkyou’rereadytofacehimandmakeadecisionaboutyourrelationship?”

Myuncertaintytookholdasitalwaysdidwhenthinkingaboutthat.“Jaketoldmethathethoughtwe
neededachancetostartoverwithoutourpastclingingtous.I’mstillnotsurethat’strue.Wefailedto
trustoneanotherintimeswhenwereallyneededeachothermost.I’mnotsurewhatthatsaysaboutus
asacouple.”

“Soyoudon’tagreewithJakethatcircumstancesinterfered?Youdon’tthinkhe’srightwhenhesaid
thatifyourparentsandAndiehadn’tbeensodisapprovingofyourrelationship,hewould’vebeenby
yoursidethroughyoursister’saccidentandthroughalltheissuesyou’vebeendealingwiththeselast
fewmonths?”

“Ithinkhewould’vewantedtobe.”

“Thequestioniswouldyouhavewantedhimtobe?”

“Well,yeah,hewasmyboyfriend.”

Dr.Bremnersmiledsoftly.“Thenwouldn’tthatmakeJakeright?”

“Okay,nowyou’rejustconfusingme.”

I’d been thinking about Jake constantly, now that everything else seemed to be falling into place. It
was time to work out the best thing to do. My conversations with Dr. Bremner would probably be
movingalongalotfasterifmytruefeelingsweren’tsoinhibitedbythememoryofbothJakeandmy
actionssincewe’dmetatAlex’spartyallthoseyearsago.

IhadtodecidewhetherIcouldforgivethefollyofouryouthandbetallmymoneyonthewisdomof
ourexperiencesinthehopesthatthirdtimearound,we’ddoitright.

ButallmyhedgingwasbroughttoahaltbyJake’slastemail.

Charley,

Ican’twriteyouanymore.Onewayoranother,wehavetomoveon.Ithoughttheseemailswerethe
bestwaytokeepyouinmylife,buttheystartedtofeelemptyweeksago.

Ijustwantusbothtobehappy,andwe’renotgoingtofindthatintheseemails.

Imissyou.Imissyousomuch,itkillsme.

ButIcan’tgoonthatwayforever.TherewillneverbeadaythatpassesthatIwon’tmissyou,butI
knowthatIhavetogetbacktothedayswherethepainisdulledenoughIcanlivewithit.

Itoldyoutofindyourselfandwhenyouweredonetocomefindme.

Well,youfoundyourselfandI’mguessingI’mnolongerapartofthatequation,andthat’sokay.
Allright,it’snotokay,butIunderstand.

IguessI’llseeyouatClaudiaandBeck’sweddinginafewyears.BythenIthinkwemightbeable
toshareasmile,maybeevenadrink,withoutithurtinglikefuck.

Don’twriteback.

Justbehappy.

Jake

Therewasnowaytogetthatemailoutofmyhead.Ihadthewordsmemorized.

Theybrokemyheart.

“What’s with the sad face?” Beck said as he walked in, Claudia on his heels. I looked up from the
kitchencounterwhereI’dbeenstanding,staringoffasIreplayedJake’semailoverandoverinmy
mind.

SeeingBeckwasaconstantreminderofhisbestfriend.

“Uh,this?”IpointedtomyfaceasIthrewhimafakegrin.“You’vegotyouremoticonsupsidedown,
mister.”

Beck smirked at Claudia. “Do you think we could make money off her smart-assery? Put her in a
sideshow?”

Claudiafrownedatmeinconcern.“AreyoustillkillingyourselfoverJake’semail?”

Beck’sfaceimmediatelycloseddownatthementionofhisbestfriend.Althoughwewerefriends,and
ourtalkoutsideTheBrewhousehaddefinitelystrengthenedthatfriendship,itdidn’tmeanBeckwas
any happier with me regarding Jake. However, it was something he didn’t push me on, just like I

didn’t push him to talk to Claudia about his future with the band. He was still musing over what he
woulddo.

Still, I didn’t want Beck to think I was a total bitch, and I didn’t want Jake to, either. I got the
impressionfromhisemailthathemightbestartingtohatemeforreal.Itoccurredtome—ifIwas
honestwithBeck,thenperhapsthathonestymightfinditswaybacktoJake.

“Yes,”Isaid.“Itwasjustsofinal.”

“Maybethat’sforthebest,”Becksaidtightly.

Claudiapunchedthetopofhisarm.“No,it’snot,”sheargued.

“It is for Jake.” Beck refused to be cowed. He shot me a look. “I’m sorry, Charley, but he’s been
waitingaroundforyouforawholefuckingyearnow.Heneedstoletgoandyouneedtolethimgo.”

“Sheloveshim,youjackass.”

“Babe,”Becktriedtoplacateher,“Ithinkyouneedtoletgoofthisparticularhope.”

“Idolovehim,”IcutoffwhateverscathingreplyClaudiawasabouttoshootback.“ButIfinallyfeel
likeIcanbreatheforthefirsttimeinayearandI’mscaredthateverythingwillgetcrazyagainifJake
andIgotbacktogether.”

Thatshutthembothup.

Beck’sgazesoftenedandheleanedacrossthecounter.“It’salwaysgoingtobealittlecrazy.Youcan’t
controlthisshit.”HeshotClaudiaasardoniclookandsaid,“Believeme.”

Sherolledhereyesathimbeforeturningbacktome.“Charley…you’regoingtolosehimforrealif
youdon’tmakeamove.AndwhathappensifyoubumpintoeachotheratUofCnextfall?Whatif
youhavetoendurewatchinghimwithanotherMelissa?Canyouhandlethat?”

“Wait.”Beckshotupfromthecounterinsurprise.“You’regoingtoChicagoforlaw?”

Inodded,feelingalittlesheepishthatIhadn’ttoldJakeortheguys.

“And you knew?” Beck asked Claudia. “This will kill Jake. You can’t go to the same school unless
you’re together. It’ll majorly fuck with his head.” He slumped down onto a nearby stool looking
suddenlyexhausted.“Okay,wehavetofixthis.”

“How?”Isaid,feelingalittlefrantic.

Beckstudiedmeamoment.“Doyoureallylovehim?”

“Yes.”

“Areyouwillingtolosehim?”

Ibitmylip,knowingthatdespitethefearinsideme,therereallywasonlyoneanswertothatquestion.
“No.”

Beckgrinned.“Yougotanymoney?”

“Forwhat?”

“Aswespeak,JakeisonaplanetoEuropeforspringbreakwithLukeandacoupleofLuke’sfriends.
Lukethoughtheneededtogetawayforabit.”

Immediately catching on, I felt adrenaline shoot through me. I felt jittery, impatient, anxious, and
scaredshitless.“Europe.”Itcouldn’tbeLasVegas,huh?Thenagain,flyingclearacrossanoceanwas
aprettybigstatement.“Doyouhavehisitinerary?”

IhadtomakeadecisionandIdidn’thavetheluxuryoftime.Jake’sheartcouldn’ttakemuchmore,
andmineneededtolearnhowtocopewithallthecrazinessthatcamewithlovingsomeoneasmuch
asIlovedJacobCaplin.

Iwasfearful.ButIwasalsoexcitedandreadytodothis,nomatterifIwaswalkingintoalifetimeof
drama,oramomentofrejectionthatwouldlivewithmeforever.

Iwasgoingtodothis,unknownbedamned.

21

AmsterdamApril2014

Thehotelreceptionwascleanandtidybutbasic.Thepolishedbeechfloorshonebeneathmyfeet,the
walls brightly finished in an off-white paint. However, it looked somewhat sterile with so few
paintings.Isatinanuncomfortablelobbychairbesidethreeotheremptylobbychairs,avoidingthe
smilingreceptionistwhosegrinseemedtowiltwithmoreandmoreconcerneverytimeoureyesmet.
I’dbeenwaitinginthehotelsincenineo’clockinthemorning.ItoldthereceptionistIwaswaitingon
afriendwhowasstayinghere,butit’dbeenacoupleofhoursandIwasstillsittingthere.

IbegantoworrythatBeckhadgottentheitinerarywrong.

Untiltheelevatordoorspingedopen.

MyeyesflewtoitandmyheartleaptintomythroatatthesightofJake.He’dcuthishairshortagain
but his cheeks and jaw were scruffy with sexy stubble. He looked a little tired and his mouth was
turneddowninthatunhappywayIhatedseeingonhim.

Myeyeshungrilytookinhisbroad-shouldered,tallframe.HewaswearingaT-shirtandjeansandhe
hadasmallbackpackthrownoverhisshoulder,buttome,helookedamazing.

Beingsoclosetohimforthefirsttimeinsolong…Man,mywholebodyfeltalive.I’dtoldBeckI
wasbreathingagainforthefirsttimeinalongtime,andIwas.ButI’dforgottentherewassomuch
moretolivingthanbreathing.Theevidencewasstandingonlyafewfeetfromme,makingmyevery
nervesparkandeverysenseopenupasiftheyhadn’tbeenusedatfullcapacitysincelastDecember.

RealizingJakewasgoingtowalkoutofthehotel,Icalledout,“You’refromChicago.Icantell.”

Hisheadjerkedatmyvoiceandassoonashiseyeslituponme,hefroze.Hisgazeroamedoverme,
takingineveryinchofmeasifheweretryingtoprocessifIwasreal.

Finally,IguesshedecidedIwasbecausehewalkedslowlyovertome,stoppingtotoweraboveme.I
cranedmynecktokeepmyeyesonhisgorgeousface.

Iloveyousomuch.

Hiseyesflaredattheunspokensentiment.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”heaskedbreathlessly.

Ishrugged,asmallsmileplayingonmylipsasIusednonchalancetocovermynerves.“Lookingfor
aboy.”

Jake’smouthtwitchedatthatandIfelthopebubbleinsideme.“Thatso?”

“Yes.Chasedhimclearacrossanocean.Luckily,Isleeplikeababyonaplane.”

Jakescratchedhischininthought.“That’salongwaytocomeforaguy.”

Ishruggedagain.“He’sworththeairmiles.”

ThistimeJakegaveahuffoflaughterbeforehisexpressionturnedsearingwithgravity.“Iguessthis
meansyoucametofindme?”

“Yes,”Ianswered,rememberinghiswordsfrommonthsbefore.

“Gohomeandfindyourself.Takeallthetimeyouneed.Andwhenyou’redoneandifyoustillwant
me,comeandfindme.”

Tearsfilledmyeyes.

Hesaw.“Whatareyougoingtodonowthatyoufoundme?”

“Keepyou.”

Hesuckedinhisbreath,likeI’dknockedthewindoutofhim.Afteramomentofstaringatmewith
hischocolaty-brown,soulfuleyes,Jakelookedoverhisshoulderattheelevator.Whenheturnedback
tome,Isawalltheloveintheworldonhisface.“Iwasonmywayout,butnowI’mthinkingIreally
needtotakeyouuptomyroom.”

Mypulseracedsohard.“Thatsoundsgreat.”

“Itakeyouupthere,though,you’vegottopromisemeit’sforever.Andmeanitthistime.”

Icrossedmyheart.“Forever.”

Westaredateachotheralongmoment.Thebloodwhooshedinmyearsaseverythingstopped….

UntilJakeheldhishandoutformine.

Epilogue

ChicagoSeptember2014

TheTentwaspackedwithpeoplewho’dcomeouttohearTheStolen.Iglancedcuriouslyatallthose
faces,knowingsomewhereinthecrowdwasanA&Rexecutivefromamajorrecordlabel.

TheTentwasarockclubinChicago’sSouthSideandtojustbeplayingitwasahugedealforthe
guys.Tohaveatalentscoutintheaudience,anevenbiggerdeal.

A rumble of husky laughter met my ears before warm lips brushed my neck and a strong arm slid
aroundmywaist.IturnedtolookupintoJake’shandsomeface.

“Claudia’sawreck,”hesaidloudly.“IleftherwithBeckbackstage.”

“Shewantsthisforhim.”Ihuggedhimclose.“Andyouknowhowconcernedheis.”

Jakedidn’tlookconcernedatall.“Itoldhimifthebandgetssignedanditstartstakingitstollonhis
andClaudia’srelationship,hewalksawayfromtheband.Easysolution.”

Ifrowned.“Andyou’resuretheguysareallokaywiththat?”

Heshrugged.“They’rehisboys.”

Igavealittlehuffoflaughter.“It’sthatsimple?”

“Withtheseguys,yeah.”

“Wow. I’m impressed. It’s all very mature.” I made a face. “Are you sure Matt was involved in that
decision-making?”

Jake smirked. “Yes. But with Matt, it’s more a case of being laid-back rather than mature and
understanding.”

Igrinned.“Yeah,thatmakesmoresense.”

BeforeJakecouldrespond,thelightsdimmedandtheguysdoingthesoundcheckonstagequickly
shuffledoff.Thecrowdgrewquiet.

The Stolen walked onstage and the noise exploded, people clapping, yelling, and whistling. I’d
watched the guys perform more times than I could count, but the atmosphere was different tonight.
Therewereatleastacouplehundredpeoplehere—theirbiggestcrowdyet.Alongwiththatwasthe
airofelectricity,anticipation,andexpectation.

ThiscouldbethebeginningofeverythingforTheStolen.

Lowesteppeduptothemicandgavethetrademarksmirkthatwassuretocausemillionsofwomen
allovertheworldtofallinlovewithhimif/whenthebandhitthebigtime.

DenverstartedtherhythmonthedrumsandtheguyssoonfollowedasLowesanginhisdeep,husky
melodiousvoice.Thecrowdsurgedforwardaroundthestageandtheelectricityintheroomwentfull
power.

Throughouttheset,I’dshootlooksatJakeashestoodsingingalongtohisbestfriends’songs.He
wasproudofthem.Webothwere.

Anhourlatertheyfinishedoutthesetwithmyfavorite,“LonelyBoy.”

Thecrowdscheeredandwhistledandcatcalledattheguysassoonasthesongended.IwatchedBeck
andLoweshareagrin,shakingtheirheadsindisbeliefattheatmospherethey’dcreatedtonight.Lowe
turned back to the mic and gave a small salute to the crowd. “You’ve been listening to The Stolen.
Thanksandhaveagoodnight.”

They began to make their way off stage to the chants for more. Jake grabbed my hand and tugged.
“Backstage,”hemouthed.Inoddedandheldontightashemaneuveredusthroughthecrowdsowe
couldcongratulatetheguys.Iputahandbehindmyback,fingerscrossed,hopingthatwhenwegot
there,theA&Rexecutivewould’vebeatenustoit.

***

IgaspedintoJake’smouthasherockedinsideme.

“Youthere?”hepanted,themusclesinhisarmsflexing.

Hehadmyhandspinnedatthesidesofmyheadasadeterrenttomyimpatience.Jakelikedmaking
lazylovetomeinthemornings,andIhadatendencytoturnthingsalittlewild.He’dtakentoholding
medown,whichwasseriouslyhot.

Igrippedhishipswithmythighs,liftingmyhipsintohisslowthrust.“Almost,”Isaidbreathlessly.
“Harder,Jake.”

Hegrittedhisteethandshookhisheadashecontinuedonhisdeterminedtorture.Itwasworthit.The
drawn-outbuildingoftensiontowardorgasmonlymademyclimaxthatmuchsweeterandlonger.

I shattered, and my inner muscles clenched around Jake, expelling his own orgasm from him. He
gaveamuffledyell,hisgriponmyhandsmomentarilytightening.

Andthenhecollapsedoverme,hiswarmbreathpuffingagainstmyneckashishandsloosenedtheir
hold.Free,Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhissweat-slickenedbackandgrippedhiswaistwithmythighs.
“Goodmorningtoyoutoo,”Ilaughed,myvoicealittlehuskyfromhavingyelledandclappedfor
thebandlastnight.NottomentiontheyellingandcelebratingwedidafterwardwhentheA&Rexec
toldtheguyshewasimpressedandhe’dbeintouchtosetupatimetochat.

Jakepressedakissagainstmyshoulder.“Morning,”hemumbledandnuzzledhisheadbackagainst
myneck.

I stroked his back with one hand and ran my fingers through his hair with the other. This was my
favoritetimewithJake.Don’tgetmewrong—thesexwasawesomeandthecloserwegrewagain,the
better it got—but these moments, holding him with my whole body while he lay replete and happy,
wasthebestfeelingintheworld.

We’ddonealotoftalkinginEuropeduringspringbreak.Okay,yes,therewasalotofsexaswell,
butmostlyweletitallout—ourapologies,ourhurts,ourresentments,ourhopesforthefuture.We
hadalottoworkoutandithadn’tbeeneasy.We’darguedatlotinthosefirstfewweeks.However,I
feltlikewewerefinallywherewewantedtobe.

I’dbeenapprehensiveaboutadmittingtoJakewe’dbothbeatUofCasgradstudentsbutIshouldn’t
havebeen.Hewasrelievedthatwewouldn’thavetocontendwithlongdistanceontopofeverything
else. School had started, and we worked our butts off during the week so we could spend the
weekendstogether.Jakewasstilllivingwiththeguysbutsincetheycouldliveanywhere,they’dopted
foranapartmentontheSouthSidesoJakecouldbeclosetoschoolandme,andBeckcouldbeclose
toClaudia.ClaudiaandIhadgottenanapartmenttogether,onlyablockaway.

Reluctanttogetup,IsighedandpattedJake’sdeliciousass.“We’vegottogo.”

Hegroanedandpushedbacksohewasleaningovermeagain.Hislidssatlowoverhisbeautifuldark
eyes.“Iwanttostayinsideyou.”

Ismiledandreacheduptocaresshischeek.“Iwantyoutostayinsidemetoo,butit’sthattimeagain.”

Gentlypullingoutofme,Jake’seyesburnedintomineashestrokedmyhip.“Wecouldjustfuckeach
other ’sbrainsoutallday.”

MybreathstutteredatthesuggestionbutIsomehowmanagedasemi-nonchalantresponse.“Another
timemaybe.”

Heflashedmeagrin,notbuyingit.“Youknowyouwantto.”

I smirked at him as he rolled off me and onto his back. “Sometimes we can’t always get what we
want.”

“Buttoenduretorture?Everymonth?Itdoesn’tseemright.”

I slid out of bed and strode across the room to my bathroom. “You’re going to endure this torture
untilmyfamilyiscomfortablewithus.”Iswitchedontheshowerandwaitedforittoheatupbefore
steppinginside.SincegettingbacktogetherwithJake,I’dmadeitmylifemissiontocreatesomekind
of peace between him and my family. I wasn’t giving either of them up. There was only so much
compromisingIcoulddo,anddefinitelyonlysomuchsacrificing.

IknewwhatitfeltliketogiveupJakeforsomeoneelse,anditnotonlymadememisshim,ithad
madememissme.Iwasn’tthegirlwhogaveuponsomeonejustbecausesomeoneelsetoldherto.It

tookmeawhiletorememberthat,butonceIhadJakebackinmylife,IknewtherewasnowayIwas
lettinggowithoutafight.

That’swhenIinvented“ReconciliationSaturday.”OnceamonthJakeandIdrovetoLantonandspent
SaturdayandthebetterpartofSundaywithmyfamily.GettingJaketoLantonthefirsttimewashard,
andtherewerestilltheoddfewidiotswhowatchedhimwithsuspicionwheneverwewentintotown,
buthewaswillingtoputhimselfthroughitforme.

Afewsecondslater,Jakejoinedmeintheshower.Hebrushedmywethairoffmyfaceashecrowded
meagainstthecoldtiles.“Baby,yourdadisnevergoingtobecomfortablewithus.”

Iwasn’tsurethatwastrueatall.“Andiecamearound.AndMomhastoo.Dadwillgetthere.”

***

“Youagain,”DadgruntedatJake.

Dad released me from his hug, kissed my forehead, and strolled toward the living room without
anotherwordtoJake.

My boyfriend stood on my parents’ doorstep with a resigned look on his face. “Your dad will get
there,huh?”

“Intime.”Igavehimalookofapologyandgrabbedhisarmtopullhiminside.

“IthoughtIheardvoices!”

Wespunaroundtowatchmymomdescendthestaircasewithahugesmileonherface.Assoonasshe
reachedus,shepulledmeintoatighthug.Whenshereleasedme,sheturnedtoJakeandcuppedhis
cheekinherhand.“It’sgoodtoseeyou.”

Hesmiled,alittleofthetensionleavinghim.“Youtoo,Delia.”

“Imademymacaronipieinexchangefordishesduty.”

“It’sadeal,”heagreed.Jakelovedmymom’smacaronipie.

ThefrontdoorflewopenandAndiesteppedinside,talkingtothehulkingfigureofherhusband-to-be
overhershoulder.“Fruitcake?Really?”

“Yes,fruitcake,”Ricksaidinaninsistentvoiceashegentlynudgedherinside.

Andiehuffedandturnedtous.“IthoughtthebenefitofmarryinganorphanwasthatIdidn’thaveto
putupwithcrappyopinionsfromthegroom’ssideofthefamily.”

“Andie,”Momadmonished.

I,however,chuckledatRick.“Goodthingyou’vegotathickskin.”

“You need it to marry a Redford sister. Right, Jake?” Rick clapped a hand on Jake’s shoulder in
greeting.

“Truerwordshaveneverbeenspoken,”Jakesaid.“Howyoudoing?”

“Myhead’sburstingfromdiscussingweddingplansbutontheplusside,I’vebeenworkingovertime
togetabreakfromit.”

“Liar,”Andiesnorted,finallycomingforwardtoembraceMominhello.“He’sfussierthananyone
about this stuff.” She pulled back on a pout. “Mom, please tell him we can’t have fruitcake for our
weddingcake.”

Iwrinkledmynose.“Nofruitcake.Vanillaspongewithbuttercreamfrosting.”

“Yes,exactly!”AndiethrewherarmsaroundmelikeI’djustsavedherfromdrowning.

“Whydon’tyouhaveboth?”Jakeshrugged.

Andie and Rick stared at him a moment before looking back at each other. “He’s a genius,” Rick
stated.

“Agreed.”Shegrinnedcheekilyatme.“I’msogladIgotyoutwobacktogether.”

“Ohyeah,becauseyoutotallyshouldtakeallthecreditforthat,”Isaid.

Beforewecouldgetintoanargument,RickturnedtoMom.“Ifbakingtwocakesistoomuch,Delia,
we’llbuyone.”

“Don’tbesilly.”Momwavedhimoff.“Icanbaketwo.Claudiawillhelpme.”

Isnorted.“I’llinformhershe’sbeendrafted.”

“You all going to stand out in the hall yakking or you coming in here to watch the rerun of last
Sunday’sgame?”Dadcalledfromthelivingroom.

***

“Ithoughtforsurehewasgoingtoofferyouabeer.”IsnuggledintoJake’sside,tryingnottobemad
atmydad—andfailing.

ItwasbadenoughhetalkedtoRickandignoredanythingJakehadtosayduringthegame,buttoget
upandgrabhimselfandRickabeerandnotgetJakeonewasrude.RickhadfrownedatDad,handed
Jakehisbeer,andgotuptogethimselfanother.

Five months had passed since I’d first brought Jake home. That was five visits and Dad’s reception
hadn’tgottenanylessfrosty.

IhuffedoutanexasperatedsighasJakeandIwalkeddownMainStreet.AssoonasJakehadfinished
his beer, I’d practically hauled him out of the house for a walk, in the hopes that I’d cool off. “I’m
sorry.”

“Don’tbe.”Jaketightenedhisarmaroundmyshoulder.“Jim’sjusttryingtomakesureI’minthisfor
thelonghaul.”

“Youmeanhe’stestingyou?”Iwrinkledmynoseinannoyance.

“Yeah,Iguess.”

“Well,itsucks,andmydadisthisclosetogettingmyfootinhisass.”

“Nah,leaveit.I’vehandledworse.”Jake’seyessweptoverHub’sacrossthestreetandIsawthemdim
slightly with memories. It didn’t help that people still looked at him as if he was something of a
curiosity.“Thistownstillfreaksmeout,”hemuttered.

Ifrowned.“YouknowyoucanstopcominghereanytimeandI’dunderstand.”

“Nah,”helookeddownatmesolemnly.“Ithinkthetimeforrunningislongpast.”Hetuggedonmy
handandpulledmeacrossthestreet.

“Wherearewegoing?”

Jakegrinned.“IfIrecall,mygirlhasathingforchocolatemilkshakes.”

Amazed,Igavehimatentativesmile.“YouwanttogointoHub’sforamilkshake?”

Hub’s?OneoftheplaceswherewehadatonofmemoriesofBrettactinglikeanassaroundus.The
kindofmemoriesthatledtoworsememories.

Jakepushedopenthedinerdoor,smilingbackatme.“Yeah.”Hegavemyhandareassuringsqueeze
andledmeinside.“Timetomakenewmemories,Supergirl.”