EasyNights

BookSixintheBoudreauxSeries

KristenProby

EASYNIGHTS
BookSixinTheBoudreauxSeries
KristenProby

Copyright©2017byKristenProby

AllRightsReserved.Thisbookmaynotbereproduced,scanned,ordistributedinanyprintedor

electronicformwithoutpermissionfromtheauthor.Pleasedonotparticipateinorencouragepiracyof
copyrightedmaterialsinviolationoftheauthor’srights.Allcharactersandstorylinesarethepropertyof
theauthorandyoursupportandrespectisappreciated.Thecharactersandeventsportrayedinthisbook
arefictitious.Anysimilaritytorealpersons,livingordead,iscoincidentalandnotintendedbytheauthor.

CoverArt:
Photographyby:SaraEirewPhotographer
CoverDesign:OkayCreations

ISBN:978-1-63350-025-9

ThisoneisforJohn.

Youarethegreatestlightinmylife,and

thebestpartofeveryday.

Iloveyou.

OtherBooksbyKristenProby

TheBoudreauxSeries:

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TheWithMeInSeattleSeries:

ComeAwayWithMe

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audio

UndertheMistletoeWithMe

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TheFusionSeries

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TheBeautyofUs
NoReservations

TheLoveUndertheBigSkySeries,availablethroughPocketBooks:

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AnAnthologywithJenniferProbst,EmmaChase,KristenProby,MelodyAnneandKateMeader

Prologue

FifteenYearsAgo…
~Savannah~
“Youcutyourhair,”Bensaysashecomesintothediningroom.Hestopsshortwhenheseesme,a

frowncoveringhishandsomeface.

Henoticed!
Iweavemyfingertipsthroughmydarkbrownhairandgivehimatentativesmile.“Justyesterday.”
“Why?”
Ifrownathisharshtone.
“BecauseIwantedto.”
Hesitsnexttome,likehedoeseveryTuesdayandThursdayafternoon,andIcan’thelpbuttakea

deepbreath,absorbinghissmell.

Benalwayssmellsamazing.Likesunshineandhardworkand…sexy.
“Van?”hesays,gettingmyattention.
“I’msorry,what?”
Heshakeshishead,asmileticklinghislipsnow.“You’resuchadaydreamer.”
Onlywhenyou’rearound.
Iwouldneverblatantlysayanythinglikethat.Flirtingwithmyolderbrother’sbestfriendisn’tthe

smartthingtodo.EliandBeaumightmakeBenstayawayfromme,andthatjustcan’thappen.

Ilovehimsomuchithurts.
“Whatdoyouthinkofmyhair?”
Heshrugsoneshoulderandgrabsmymathtextbook,openingtothechapterwe’recurrentlyworking

on.Iamhorrificatmath,butBenisageniusatit,andhe’sbeenhelpingmewithmymathhomeworkfor
thepastthreemonths.

It’sheaven.
“It’sfine.”
“Youdon’tlikeit.”
Heshrugsagain.“Ilikeditlong.”
Forhalfasecond,Iregretchoppingitoff,takingitfromalmostreachingmybutttojustbarely

reachingmyshoulders.

It’ssomuchlighter!
ButthenIletitrolloffofmebecauseIdolikeit.Ihavetolivewithit.Nomanisevergoingtotell

mehowIshouldwearmyhair.Thisisn’tthedarkages.

“Didyoudoyourhomeworkfromlastnight?”heasks,andInod,handinghimmynotebooksohecan

lookovermywork.

I’veneverlovedmathsomuchinmylife.
He’sbitingtheinsideofhischeekashelooksovermypaperandwhenhe’sfinished,heturnsthose

blueeyestomewithasmile.“You’repickingitupreallywell.Youwon’tevenneedmeonceIleavenext
month.”

Andjustlikethat,myhappymoodcrumbleslikeasandcastleunderthetide.
Ben’sleaving.He’sgoingawaytocollege,andthecloserthetimecomes,themorepanickedIam.I

don’twanthimtogo.

Bennudgesmewithhiselbow.
“I’llstillneedyou,”Imumble,notabletolookhimintheeyesbecauseI’mafraidthathe’llseeright

throughme,andhe’llberepulsedattheideaofhisbestfriend’slittlesisterhavingthehotsforhim.

Or,farworse,he’llfeelsorryforme,andthethoughtofthatmakesmewanttothrowup.
“I’llcheckinonyouwhenI’mhomeonmybreaks,”hesaysandsetsmynotebookinfrontofmeashe

turnstothisweek’schapter.

Forthenexttwohours,hewalksmethroughthestepsthattheteachershowedusinclass,butBen’s

voiceissomucheasiertolistento,andheexplainsthingsthoroughly,makingsureIunderstandbeforewe
moveon.

He’sanexcellentteacher.Infact,he’sgoingtocollegetobeateacher.Hewillrockit.
Ijustwishhedidn’thavetogosofarawaytocollege.Beau’sbeenthereforayearalready,andEli

andBenaregoingtothesameone,andthey’reallgoingtorentanapartmenttogether.

Ifrownandtrynottothinkaboutallofthecollegegirlsthatwillbearound,hittingonBen.Willhe

sleepwiththem?Datethem?

Eventuallymarryoneofthem?
Jesus,Ihopenot.
“Whycan’tyoufocustoday?”Benfinallyasks,bringingmyattentionbacktothehereandnow.
“Sorry,”Iwhisper.
“What’swrong,Vanny?”
Irollmyeyes.“Ihateitwhenyoucallmethat.”
Hislipstwitchinhumor.“Iknow.Talktome.What’swrong?”
“MaybeIjustdidn’tgetenoughsleeplastnight.”It’snotalie;Ididn’tsleepwelllastnight.
“Hmm.”Hestudiesmecloselyforasecond.“Youlookwellrested.”
“I’mfine.”
Hetiltshisheadtotheside.“Don’teverlietome,Savannah.”
Hiseyesarenarrowed,andbetweenthathotlookandhisfirmvoice,well,Iguessyou’dsayI’mall

kindsofturnedon.

SoofcourseElipokeshisheadaroundthecorner,interruptingus.
“Ben,areyougoingtocomeshoothoopswithus?”
“Yeah,we’realmostdonehere.”
Elinodsanddisappears,andIwanttobegBennottogo.Don’tgoshoothoops,don’tgoawayto

college.

Staywithme.
Butthat’sdumb,andhe’dprobablylaughatmeandtellmeI’mbeingstupid.I’mjustakid,afterall.

Fifteen-year-oldsdon’thaveanythingfiguredout,andI’mababy.

ButIdon’tfeellikeababywhenhe’snear.Notatall.
Bencocksabrow,waitingformetoanswerhim.
“I’mnotlying.”IshrugashoulderanddomybesttolooklikeI’vegotallofmyfeelingsunder

control.

IshouldwinanOscarforthisperformance.
“You’vegotthishandled,”Bensayswithasmileafterstudyingmeforamoment.“You’redoinggreat,

Van.I’mgoingtogoshootwiththeguys,butI’llbearoundlaterifyouhaveanyquestions.”

“Okay.”Ismileandnod,turningmyattentiontomyhomework.“Thanks.”
“Van?”
Myheadwhipsup.“Yeah?”
“EventhoughIlikeyourhairlonger,thisiscutetoo.”
Hegrinsandwinksatme,andthenhe’sgone,andI’mleftsittinghereinthediningroom,myhands

sweaty,andastupidgrinonmyface.

Benthinksmyhairiscute.

It’sastart.

ChapterOne

PresentDay

~Savannah~

Twoyears.
It’sbeentwoyearssincethedayIthoughtIwasgoingtodie,butinsteadIwassetfree.
Ididn’tsleeplastnight,butthat’snotnew.Ihaven’tbeenabletosleepwellinyears.It’sprobablythe

biggestthingthatIstillcarrywithmefrommymarriage,andnomatterwhatIdo,Ican’tseemtochange
it.

ButcomparedtowhereIwastwoyearsago,notsleepinggreatisnotworthcomplainingabout.
Istareatmyselfinmyvanitymirror,mybrushclenchedinmywhiteknucklesandsearchmy

unblemishedface.Icanstillseethebruisesfromthatlastbeating.Themarksaroundmyneckfromwhere
hesavagelystrangledme.Thewethairfromthetubwherehetriedtodrownme.Icanstillfeelthe
humiliationwhenmysiblingscamerunningintothebedroomafterIcalledthemforhelp.

EvenBencame,andthatwasthebiggesthumiliationofall.Ineverwantedanyonetoeverseemelike

that,especiallythemanthatI’velovedmyentireadultlife.Foramoment,I’dalmostwishedthatLance
haddonethejobofkillingme,justsoIwouldn’thavetoseetheabsolutefuryanddisgustinBen’sface.

Thesetwoyearshavegonebyintheblinkofaneye,andyet,thereweremomentswhenIthoughtthe

daysmovedlikeaglacier.Ispentmanymonthslivingwithfamily,afraidtobealone.I’vebeenthrough
hundredsofhoursoftherapy,andItakeaselfdefenseclasseveryweek.

Igrinatmyselfinthemirror.
I’mhere,I’malive,andIdon’tlooklikeI’mgoingtobreakatanymoment.
Mycheekshavecolor,myhazeleyeslookhappy,andmylipscurveupingenuinesmilesagain.
ThankGod.
Mymomandmostofmysiblingshavealreadysentmetextsthismorning,sendingwordsofloveand

encouragement.JustasIraisethebrushtomyhairmyphonebeepsagain.

It’smytwinbrother,Declan.
Iloveyou.
Igrin,notwillingtoletanytearsfalltoday,whetherthey’refromsadnessorhappiness,andreply.
Loveyoumore.
Iwouldn’thavemadeitthroughthemonthsaftertheincidentwithoutmyfamily.That’snotmebeing

dramatic,it’ssimplehonesty.

Withoutthem,Iwouldhavelostmymind.
Myphonepingsagainandlightsup,catchingmyeye.Butthistime,it’snotasibling.
It’sBen.
“Andcuethefreakingbutterflies,”IwhisperasIcheckthemessage.
Lunch?
Itakeadeepbreath,closemyeyes,andgrin.Ben’samanoffewwords,especiallywhenitcomesto

thetelephone.He’sreallymuchbetterinperson.

Except,whenI’mwithhim,I’mtheonewhoendsupbeingtongue-tied.HolyJesus,themanhashad

thesameeffectonmesinceIhitpuberty.

Allrationalthoughtisgone,andallIwanttodoisclimbhimlikethebigoaktreesoutatmysister’s

inn.

Benhasbeenbestfriendswithmybrotherssincetheywereyoungboys,sohewasalwaysatmy

house,andIwouldcomeupwithanyreasonIcouldthinkoftobewherehewas.

Muchtomybrothers’dismay.
Butthenhewentofftocollege,andourlivesdidn’tcrossmuchforafewyears.Ieventuallywentto

collegemyself,inTennessee,andmetLancethere.

Ifrownatmyselfinthemirror.
“Don’teventhinkthatasshole’sname.”
IpunchoutaquickresponsetoBenandgrinwhenheimmediatelyreplies.
Usualplace,1:00.
Yes,sir.IlaughasIcloseoutthetextandwanderintomyclosettochoosemyoutfitfortoday.I

decidedtotakethedayawayfromtheoffice.Awomandoesn’tescapefromtheworsthorrorofherlife
everyday.Itshouldbecelebrated.

Thealternativeistooverthinkandgetbroody,andI’vedonethatwaytoomuchoverthepasttwo

years.

Ideliberatelyselectsomethingthathewouldhaveneverletmewear.Aprettypairofbluecropped

pantswithawhite,sleevelessbuttondowntopandredballetflats.HewouldhavesaidthatIwas
showingtoomuchskin.EveninthehottestsummermonthsIwasn’tallowedtowearsleevelesstops,or
skirtsshorterthanmyankles.It’swonderfultohavealargewardrobefullofprettythingsthatIlove.I
reachformyredLouisVuittonhandbagtomatchmyoutfitandfinishpullingmyselftogetherfortheday.

Andthenmyphonerings.It’sLarry,myex-husband’sbrother.Despitethebullshithisbrotherputme

through,Larryhasmaintainedarelationshipwithme.Hewasalwayskind,andI’mgladtostillhavehim
inmylife.Myfamilywashesitantatfirst,butLarryhasalwaysbeenrespectful,onlybeingaroundas
muchaswe’reallcomfortablewith.Howhewasraisedinthesamehousewithhisbrotheranddidn’t
turnoutcompletelyevilisbeyondme.

“Hello?”
“Heythere,hotstuff,”hesays,makingmelaugh.“Howareyoutoday?”
“Neverbeenbetter,”IreplyandgrinasIrealizethatit’snotanexaggeration.
“Yousoundgreat.”Icanhearthesmileinhisvoice.“IsitweirdthatIthoughtIshouldcheckinonyou

today?”

“Notatall;alloftheotherimportantpeopleinmylifehavedonethesame.Ifiguredeveryonewould

forget.”

He’squietforamoment.“Noonewilleverforget,Van.IfIhadknown—”
“We’vebeenoverthisathousandtimes,Larry.Itwasn’tyourfault.”
“Right.You’reright.”
“Iknow.Thanksforcheckingin.Ireallyamdoinggreat.”
“I’mglad.Ifyouneedanything,youknowhowtofindme.”
“ThatIdo.Thanksagain.”
Weendthecall,andIsitontheottomaninmyclosetandjustlookaroundthespace.Iboughtthis

placeaboutayearandahalfago.IneverwentbacktothehousethatLanceandIownedtogether.Instead,
myfamilywashappytohavemestaywiththemuntilIfoundthishouse.

DeclanandIhaveenjoyedrenovatingit,makingitexactlyrightforme.
IcheckthetimeandrealizethatI’mrunninglate,soIgrabapairofsunglasses,myhandbag,andkeys,

andhurryouttomycar.

Evenmycarisnew.Hewouldn’teverletmegetthecarIwantedbecausehesaiditwastoomuch

money,thatIdidn’tdeservealuxurycar.

Whichisjustludicrous.Iworkmyassoff,andmyfamilyisworthbillions.IcanhaveanycarI

fuckingwant.So,oneofthefirstthingsIdidafterthedivorcewastradeinmysensibleFordforthepretty
MercedesconvertibleIdrivenow.It’sredandhasallthebellsandwhistles.

Justonemorewaytoflipoffmyshittypast.

It’sabeautifulspringdayinNewOrleans.Thetreesareblooming,there’sabreezeintheair,and

birdssingasIdrivetowardtheFrenchQuarterwiththetopofmycardown.

Despitemybestefforts,Istillarrivetenminuteslate,andallofmysistersandsisters-in-laware

alreadyattherestaurant.

“I’msorry,”Isay,takingmyseat.“Iwasmovingslowthismorning.”
“Asyoushould,”Katesayswithasmile.“Elisendshislove.”
“Hetexted,”Ireply.Kateismarriedtomyolderbrother,Eli.Theyrecentlywelcomedabeautiful

babygirlnamedCoralinetoourfamily.

Infact,ourfamilyhasgonefrombigtohugeinthepasttwoyears.ItseemsthatonceElimetKate,

eachofmysiblingsfoundlovesoftheirown,rightaftereachother.Icouldn’tbehappierforallofthem.

“I’mbeingspoiledtoday,”Iannounce.“I’mhavingbrunchwithallofyoubeauties,andthenI’m

havinglunchwithBen.”

“Really,”Gabby,theyoungestBoudreauxsister,sayswithasmile.“Asinadate?”
“Asinlunch,”Ireplyandrollmyeyes.“YouknowaswellasIdothatBenisofflimits.”
“Whyisthatagain?”Callie,Declan’swife,asks.
“She’sdelusionalandthinksthatBenislikeabrothertoher,”Charlysays.
“Heis,”Iinsist,frowning.
“No,he’snot,”Gabbyreplies.“HemaybelikeabrothertoCharlyandme,butyouneverthoughtof

himthatway.”

“Ithinkyou’rethedelusionalone.BenandIaregoodfriends,andthat’sit.”Myargumentsounds

weaktomyownears.Butthatdoesn’tmakeitlesstrue.

“Right,”Mallory,myoldestbrother,Beau’swifesays.“Sothat’swhyyoublushatthementionofhis

nameandbiteyourlip?”

“Malloryispsychic,”Calliesaysexcitedly.“Shecantellyouifyou’resupposedtobewithBen.”
“No.”MyvoiceisfirmasIstareeachofthemdown.“Stopit.Benismyfriend,andI’mnotgoingto

fuckthatup.Ifwetriedtohavearelationshipanditdidn’tworkout,he’dbeoutofmylifecompletely
andIcan’thavethat.”

“Okay,”Gabbysays,holdingherhandsupinsurrender.“Whatareyoudoingafterlunch?”
“Ihaveafulldayofpamperingahead,”Iinformthemproudly.“AndI’mnotgoingintotheofficeat

all.”

“Attagirl,”Katesayswithawink.“Youdeserveadayoff.”
“Ialsodeserveamimosa.”IgrinandsearchforourwaitresssoIcanflagherdown.“Infact,weall

deserveamimosa.”

“Excellentplan,”Charlysays.Whenweallhaveadrinkinfrontofus,Charlyraisesherglassina

toast.“Iknowwe’reonlyfocusingonthegoodtoday,andeveryday,andIhavetosaythis.”

Weraiseourglasseswithher.
“You’rethemostamazingpersonIknow,Van.It’sbeenanhonortowatchyourjourneythesepast

coupleofyears.Icouldn’tbemoreproudofyou.”

“Here,here,”Katesayswithanod.“You’reonetoughbitch,myfriend.”
Igiggleatthatandclinkmyglasstotheothers.“I’lltakethatcompliment.”
“Hell,yes,youwill,”Calliesaysbeforesippingherdrink.“Thereareonlygreatthingsforyou

ahead.”

“She’sright,”Mallorysayswithaknowingsmile.Ifrownandsheholdsupherhandsinsurrender.

“I’mnotreadingyourfuture,silly.Ican’tdothat.I’msimplyagreeingthatyou’vealreadybeenthrough
hell.It’sgoingtogetmuchbettergoingforward.”

“I’lltakethataswell,”Ireplywithanod.“Here’stoagoodlife.”
“Agoodlife,”theothershappilychimein.

***

I’msodamnfull.IforgethowIcansitwiththosewomenforhours,withneveralullinthe

conversation.Weeatanddrinkandeatanddrinkandlaugh.

So,I’mrushingdirectlyfrombrunchtolunchwithBen.
Imaynotbehungryforfood,butIwouldn’tcancelthisdateforanythingintheworld.
Iwalkintotherestaurantwestartedcomingtoaboutayearagoandsearchtheroomforhim.Hisback

istome,butI’drecognizehimanywhere.He’stall,withsuperbroadshouldersandmusclesfordays.

For.Motherfucking.Days.
Godblesshim.
Heglancesoverhisshoulderandseesmewalkingtowardhim.Asmileinstantlyspreadsoverhisface

ashestandsandholdshisarmsopenforahugingreeting.

He’ssodamnstrongandwarm,Icouldstandhereinhisarmsforever.Butthehugendsquicklyandhe

holdsmychairoutforme.

“Hi,”hesayswithagrin.
“Hellothere.”Iglanceuptofindhimstudyingmewithnarrowedeyes.“DoIhavesomethingonmy

face?”

“You’reflushed.”Herubshislipswithhisfingertips.“Haveyoubeendrinking?”
“Yeah,Ijustcamefrombrunchwiththegirlsandwemayhavehadamimosaorfour.”Igiggleandset

mymenuaside.“I’msofull.I’msorry,Ben,Ican’teatanotherbite,butyoushouldeat.”

“Iplanto,”hereplies.“Wecouldhaverescheduledthis.”
“No,it’sokay.Ihaven’tseenyouinawhile.Howareyou?”
“I’mgood.”Henodsashesetshismenuaside.Thewaitressarrivestotakehisorder,andit’sagood

thingIdidn’twantanythingbecauseshenevertakeshereyesoffofBen.

Thebitch.
Sheflushesanddoesafreakingcurtseyaftertakinghisorder,thenhurriesaway.
“Youhaveafan.”
“Awhat?”heasks,completelyclueless.
“Nothing.”Ishakemyheadandsipmywater.
“Howareyoutoday?”heasks.
“I’mfantastic.”Igrinashenarrowsthoseblueeyesandstudiesmeforalongmoment.“I’mnot

lying.”

“Icanseethat,”hesaysatlast,andhisshouldersrelax,asthoughhe’sbeencarryingtheweightofthe

worldonthem.

“Ineedyourhelp,Ben.”
“Done.”
Icockabrow.“Youdon’tknowwhatIneed,exactly.”
“Doesn’tmatter,it’syours.”
IgrinandleanoversoIcanpathishand.“You’reverygoodtome,youknow.”
“Iknow.”Hissmileissmugandhappy.“Whatdoyouneed,Vanny?”
“Well,IneedyoutostopcallingmeVanny.”
“Notgonnahappen.”
“AndIneedtoknowwhoyougotoforyourtattoos.”
Hespitsthesipofwaterhe’sjusttakenandbeginstocough,choking.
“Whoa,areyouokay?”
“That’sthelastthingIexpectedtocomeoutofyourprettylittlemouth.”
Justthewayhesaysprettylittlemouthmakesmebreakoutinasweat.
Why,fortheloveofallthat’sholy,amIsodamnhormonalaroundthisman?Itmustbeachemical

response.Iwasnevergoodatscience,butthathastobeit.

“I’mserious,”Ireplyandwillmyladypartstostanddown.“Ialreadyhaveadesigninmind,butI

don’tknowwheretogo.”

“Isthisyourfirsttattoo?”heasks.
“No,”Ireply.“ButIdidn’tgetminehereinNewOrleans.”
Heleanstowardme,givingmehisfullattention.“Wheredidyougetit?”
“InTennessee.”
“No,Imean,whereisitonyourbody?”
Ibitemylipandshufflethesilverwarearoundonthetable.“That’spersonal.”
“Lookatme.”
Icomplyandalmostmeltintoapuddleatthesweetsmilehe’sgivingme.
“Youcantellme.”
“So,trampstampswereinwhenIwasincollege.”
“Youhaveatrampstamp?”
“No,IjustsaidtheywerealltheragewhenIwasincollege.”
Heblinksslowly,asifI’mnotmakinganysenseandhe’stryingtokeepup.“Okay.”
“ButIthoughtitlookedpainfultotattoothelowback,andwhileIunderstandthatnotattooisawalk

inthepark,Ididn’twanttodoitinthatspot.Also,Ididn’twantmydadtoeverseeit,andsometimesI
wearabikini.”

“Youdo?”Hefrowns.
“Yeah.”Inodandbrushitofflikeit’snotabigdeal.
“Sowhereisit,Van?”
Ibitemylipagain.“Onthebackofmyneck.”
“Andyourdadneversawit?”
“No,I’vealwayshadlongerhair,atleastlongenoughtocovermyneck,andIjustmadesureIdidn’t

wearponytailswhenIwaswithhim.”

“You’rearebel,”hesayswithasmirk.
“Arespectfulrebel,”Ireply.“Willyougivemeyourguy’snumber?”
“I’lldobetterthanthat.I’lltakeyou.”
“No.”
I’mshakingmyheadvigorously.
“Whynot?”
“Idon’twantyoutoseemegetthistattoo.”
“Why?”
“Ijustdon’t.”
“Okay,I’lltextyouhisnumber.”
“Thankyou.”
“Whatareyoudoingafterthis?”
“I’mgoingtogetmyhaircut.”
I’msofuckingexcited!
Hefrownsagain.“Why?”
“BecauseI’magrownasswomanandIwantto.”
“Whoa,”hesays,sittingbackandholdinghishandsupinsurrender.“Dowhateveryouwantwithyour

hair.”

“That’stheplan.Iknowyoulikeitbetterlong.”
“Ididn’tsaythat.”
“YoudidwhenIwasfifteen,”Imurmurandsmileatthememory.“Butit’sokay.It’smyhair.”

Hetiltshisheadtotheside,watchingme.“Didthatassholemakeyouwearyourhairlong?”
Iwillnotcrytoday.
“Hemademedoalotofthings.”
Hiseyesflarewithangerandhepusheshisplateaway.“HedeservedmuchmorethanwhatIgavehim

thatday.”

AfterLancetriedtokillme,thecowardran.Mybrothersandthepolicewerelookingforhim,butBen

foundhimfirst.

Andbeatthefuckoutofhimbeforemakinghimturnhimselfintothepolice.
“Hedoesn’tevenmatter,”Ireplysoftly.
“No.Hedoesn’t.”Hesighsandreachesovertotouchmyhand.“I’mproudofyou.”
“Ididn’tdoanything.”
Hisblueeyesholdmine.“Yes,youdid.Youdidn’tjustsurvive,Van.Youthrived.You’rethestrongest

personIknow,andI’mdamnproudofyou.”

Iwillnotcrytoday.
IsmilebrilliantlyatthisincrediblyhandsomemanwhoalsohappenstobethesweetestI’veever

known.

“Thankyou.That’sthesecondtimeI’veheardthattoday.”
“You’rewelcome.It’sfuckingtrue.”Hestands,throwssomecashonthetable,andholdshishandout

formine.“Let’sgo.”

“Where?”
“Ijustwanttowalkwithyouforalittlewhile.”
“Okay.”
Wedon’tsaymuchasheleadsmethroughtheQuarterandpastCaféduMonde,thenovertotheriver.

It’sstillearlyenoughintheseasonthattherearen’tswarmsofpeopleeverywhere.

It’sactuallyrelativelyquiettoday.
“Areyouokay?”Iaskandslipmyhandintohis,enjoyingthezingofelectricityasitmakesitsway

downmyspine.“You’requiet.”

Heglancesdownatme,thenouttothewater,takingadeepbreath.
“I’mgreat.Ijustlikebeinghere,withyou.”
“Metoo.”Ileanmycheekagainsthishardbicepandwatchthebirdsflyovertheriver.“Metoo.”

***

“You’vebeencomingtomeforsevenyears,”Mandy,myhairdresser,saysseveralhourslater.I’m

sittinginherchair,theuglyblackcapebuttonedaroundmyneck.“You’veneverwantedanythingmore
thanatrimontheends.”

“Iknow,andIhateit.”
“Whydidn’tyousayso?”
“Becauseitwasn’tyourfault,”Ireplyimmediately,notwantingtohurtherfeelings.“You’vealways

doneagreatjob.It’sthestyleIhated,buthewantedmyhairthatway.”

“It’sbeentwoyears,sugar.Whyarewejustdoingthisnow?”
“IguessIjustdidn’tfeelhealedenoughuntilnow,”Ireplyhonestly.“It’stime.”
“Okay.”Sheblinksbacktears.
“Wearenotcryingtoday,”Iinformhersternly.
“Right.”Sheclearsherthroat.“Okay,whatdoyouwantmetodo?”
“Iwantyoutodowhateveryouwant.”Ismile,excitementspreadingthroughmychest.“Let’sdosome

color,andatotallydifferentcut.”

“I’msoexcited,”Mandysays,clappingherhands.“Iknowjustthething.Areyousureyoutrustme

withthis?”

“Absolutely.”Itakeahappydeepbreathandclosemyeyes.“Let’sdothis.”
Forthenextfewhours,wechataboutourfamiliesandourjobs.Shepaintsstuffonmyhair,thenfolds

itintoaluminumfoil.IlooklikeIcouldreceivesatellitesignals.

“Okay,we’regoingtowashthisout,andthenI’llcut.”
“Great.”
Thewashingpartisalwaysmyfavorite.Mandygivesakickassscalpmassage.Whenwereturntothe

chair,sheturnsmeawayfromthemirror.

“Youdon’tgettoseeitnowuntilI’mdone.”
“Okay.”Iholdmyfistouttobumphers,soexcitedtoseewhatshecomesupwith.Theblowdryeris

loud,sowecan’tchatwhilesheblowsmyhairdry,andIletmyeyesdriftclosed,happilydozinginher
chair.Finally,shesnipsherscissorsthroughmyhair,instantlymakingitsomuchlighter.

Sheputsthefinishingtouchesonitandturnsmetothemirror,andallIcandoissitandstareinawe.
“Wow.”
“Ohno,”Mandysayswithhorror.“Doyouhateit?”
“No.”Iturnmyheadtoeachside,enamoredwiththesleek,straightblackhairwithsubtlehighlights.

Theendsofmyhairbarelyreachmyshouldersnowanditframesmyfacebeautifully.“Oh,Mandy,it’sso
pretty.”

Andnow,despitetellingmyselfoverandoveragainthatIwouldn’tcrytoday,Iletthetearscome.
Becausethisisthelastbigsteptogettingmeback.
“Iamsohappyforyou,”shewhispersandcatchesmygazeinhersinthemirror.Tearsfillherpretty

browneyes.“Idon’tthinkyou’lleverreallyknowhowhappyIamthatyou’reokay.”

“Thankyou.”Iclearmythroatandblinkthetearsaway.“Ilovethewayitfeels.It’ssomuchlighter,

andsosoft.”

“Youhavebeautifulhair,”shereplies,runningherfingersthroughitagain.“Andthislengthisperfect

onyou.”

Shetakesthecapeoff,andIstand,immediatelyhuggingherclose.“Thankyousomuch.”
“Thankyouforlettingmeplay.Thatwasalotoffun.”
IpayMandy,includingonehellofatip,andpracticallybounceallthewaytomycar.Iturnthemusic

uploudasIdrivehome,completelycontentandhappy.

IsmileasIpullintomydrivewaylessthanthirtyminuteslater.Declanishere,probablyputtingthe

finishingtouchesonthecrownmoldinginmyhomeoffice.

“Hello?”IcalloutasIwalkintothehouse.It’sasmallerplace,especiallycomparedtomostofthe

othersinthisexclusiveneighborhood.Butit’sjustme,andIdon’tneedatonofspace.

“Intheoffice!”Calliecallsout.“Wecametofinishthemolding.”
“Good,it’sabouttime.”
Declanslowlysmilesandlooksmeupanddown.“Nicehair.”
“Oh,Iloveit,”Callieagrees.
“Metoo.”Itouchtheendsofit,stillnotusedtoitbeingsoshort.“Itwastime.”
“Damnright,”Declansays.“Soyouhadagoodday?”
“Agreatday.”
Henods,butIcanreadhismind.Iknowmytwinbrotherinsideandout.
Areyoureallyokay?
Inod.I’msookay.
Hesighs.Istillwanttokillhim.
He’snotworthit.
“Okay,”Calliesays,interruptingus.“Stopitwiththevoodootwinspeak.”
Declanlaughsandpullshiswifeinforalong,disgustingkiss.

“That’saboutenoughofthegrossmarriedspeak,too,”Isay,makinggaggingnoises.
“Youloveme,”Decsays.
“Somedaysmorethanothers.Liketoday,whenyoucometofinishmyoffice.”
“Ican’tbelievethehouseisalreadydone,”Calliesays,proppingherhandsonherhipsandsurveying

thespace.

“It’sbeenayearandahalf,”Ireply,lookingatherlikeshe’snuts.
“Andwe’vedonetheworkourselves,”sheremindsme.CallieandDeclanbothlovetofliphouses,so

they’vebeeninvaluable.

“Iwantedtodoitmyself,”Ireply.“WhileIwashealingthishouse,itwashealingmetoo.”
Iglancearound.
“Ineededthis.”
“Iknow,”Calliesaysandgivesmeabighug.“AndI’msogladforit.”
“Metoo.”
“Areyoutwogoingtokeepchatting,orareweworking?”Declanasks.
“Suchaman,”IsaytoCallie,rollingmyeyes.“He’snotgreatwithfeelings.”
“Hehashismoments,”Calliereplieswithasmileformybrother.
“I’msensitive,”Declansayswithafrown.“Butwehaveashittontodohere,andIwanttofinish

today.”

“Well,thenIguesswe’dbettergettoit.”Irubmyhandstogether.“WhereshouldIstart?”
“You’llwanttochange,”Calliesays.“Thismightgetmessy.”
“Okay.”Inod.“Goodidea.YougetstartedandI’llberightback.”
Ihurryoutoftheofficeanddownthehalltothebackstaircase.Ipassbythekitchenandhavetostop,

backtrack,andstareinaweatalloftheflowerscoveringeveryspareinchofmycountertops.

“Holyshit.”
“They’refromallofus,”Declansaysfrombehindme.
“I’veneverseenthismanyflowersbefore.”
Ican’tlookathim.IfIdo,I’llstartcrying,andIwon’tbeabletostop.
“Youdeserveprettythings,Van.”
“Idon’tknowifIdeserveallofthis.”
Hestepsupbesidemenowandtakesmyhandinhis.
“Youdeservethisandmore.Youdeserveeverything.”
Iglanceupathimandseetearsswimming.
“IthinkIfinallybelieveyou.”
“Good.”Henodsonceandfoldsmeintoahug.“It’saboutdamntime.”

ChapterTwo

~Savannah~

It’sbeenanincredibleday.
Anemotionallyexhaustingday,butstillgreat.
Isipmywineandstareintomygasfireplace.IknowIliveinNewOrleans,anditrarelygetscold

enoughforafire,butIjustturnuptheA/Candmakeitwork.

Fewthingsaremoresoothingthanafire.
Itakeadeepbreathandclosemyeyes.IgottospendthisdaywitheveryoneIlovethemost.Iended

uprunningintoallofmysiblings.Andbyrunninginto,Imeantheyalltookthetimetoseeme.

EvenBen.
AndthatmakespartofmethatIthoughtwaslongdeadsitupandtakenotice.
HavingdinnerwithMamawasthebestwaytoendtheday.
ThelifethatLancetriedsohardtokillisaliveandwell.Myhouseisfinished.Myfamilyissafeand

healthy.

Iamsafeandhealthy.
It’stakentime,andsometherapy,butI’vecomealongwayfromthatscared,beatenwomanthatIused

tobe.Itfinallyfeelslikethatchapterisclosed,andI’mreadytoseewhatthenextonebrings.

Finally,lateintothenight,Iturnthefireplaceoff,setmyemptywineglassinthekitchensink,and

headuptobed.

***

“Openyourstance,Tracy,”Shelly,ourinstructor,saysthenextafternoon.I’minoneofmymanyhappy

placesthesedays.

KravMagahasgivenmesomuchself-confidencebackoverthepasttwoyears.Aftertheincident,

Benaddedthisclasstohisstudio.It’sledbyawoman,andisforwomenwho’vesurvivedphysicalor
mentalabuse.It’smorethanlearningself-defense.

It’salsoaboutlearningself-loveandselfrespect.
“Savannah,don’tforgettopunchwithyourfirsttwoknuckles.”
Inodandpunchthewomanacrossfrommeagain.We’resparringtoday,anditfeelsfantastic.
Sometimes,agirljustneedstopunchsomething.It’sbeenasvaluableastherapy.Forthefirstyear,I

pretendedIwaspunchingLanceintheface.Butnow,I’mjustpunching,protectingmyself,gettingout
somemajoraggression.

“Better,Van,”Shellysayswithanod.
Wespendthenexthourlearningnewstrikes,andgoingovertheoneswealreadyknow.Sometimes

I’mtheaggressor,andothertimesI’mdefendingmyself.

It’safuckingamazingworkout.Mybodyisscreamingatmewhentheclassisover.
“Greatjobtoday,everyone.I’llseeyounextweek.”Shellysmilesandhugseachofusasweleavethe

classroom.ShellyalsocametoKravMagaabouttenyearsagoaftershe’dbeenhorriblyabusedbyher
ex-husband.

Shegetsit.
“Van.”
IspinatthesoundofBen’svoice,andsilentlycringe.Ilookhorrible.I’msweatinglikeanicecold

drinkwithoutacoaster,andtheclothesIwearhereareskintight,makingiteasiertomove.

“You’renotusuallyhereatthistime,”Isayanddabatowelonmyface.“What’sup?”
“Ihadameetingwithanotherinstructor,”hesayswithasmile.“ThoughtI’dsayhi.”

“Hi.”Ismileandreadjustmyponytail.It’smuchsmallernow,butIcanstillpullitback.“Howwas

yourday?”

“Busy,”herepliesandsurprisesmebylettinghiseyestravelupanddownmybody.“Ilikethenew

hair.Youlookgreat.”

“I’mamess.”Ichuckleandhookmytowelaroundmyshoulders.“You,however,dolookgreat.”
That’safuckingunderstatement.He’sincargoshortsandablacktanktop,showingoffhistattoosand

hismuscles.

Goodlord,themuscles.
“CanIshowyouafewthings?”heasks,breakingmyconcentrationonhismuscles.
“Sure.”IfrownasIfollowhimbackintotheemptyclassroom.“AmIdoingsomethingwrong?”
“No,Ijustwanttogooversomeformthings.”Heleadsmetothecenteroftheroomandstandsbehind

me,lookingintomyeyesthroughthemirror.

OhGod.Thisiswaysexierthanitprobablyshouldbe.
“Assumethestance.”
Ifollowhisdirectionsandworkveryhardtonotreacttohisstronghandsonmysidesashewalksme

throughpunches,kicks,andbetterwaystokeepmycenterofgravity.

“You’resmall,”hemurmursandpushesmylegsjustalittleclosertogether.“Iwantyoutokeepyour

feetjustalittleclosertogether.You’llhavebetterbalance.”

Inod.“Itfeelsbetter.”
Hesmilesatme.Ican’tkeepmyeyesoffofhiminthemirror.Thewayhemoves,hisfacial

expressions.

Benhasalwaysbeenattractivetome,butholyshit,didhegethotter?OrwasIjusttoobrokenbefore

toseeit?

Becauseholyshit,he’shot.
“Van?”
“Yeah?”
“Ijustaskedyoutodothespin/elbowmove.”
“Oh.”Ibitemylipandwillmyselftostopoglinghisarms.
“Areyouokay?”
“Ofcourse.”Idoasheasksandspin,attemptingtorammyelbowinhisnose,thewayI’vebeen

taught,butheblocksandsendsmeontomyass.“Damnit.”

“You’renotspinningquicklyenough.”
“I’masclumsyastheyget,”Iremindhim.“IfIspintoofast,I’llfallonmyass.I’llbehelpingmy

attackermorethananything.”

“It’llactuallyfeeleasier,”hesays,helpingmetomyfeet.“Youcandothis.I’veseenit.”
“You’retallerthananyoneelseI’veeversparredwith.”
“Good,”hesaysandnarrowshiseyes.“Chancesare,ifyoueverhavetodefendyourself,your

attackerwon’tbeshorterthanyou.”

“True.”Inodthoughtfully.
“Butifyou’restillnotcomfortabledoingthiswithme,that’sfine.IcanmakesuggestionsforShellyto

workonnextweek.”

“I’mokay,”Ireply,andamsurprisedtorealizethatit’strue.Itwasn’tlongagothatIcouldn’tstand

foranymantotouchme,notevenmybrothers.ButIdon’tmindsomuchnow.

Infact,I’mutterlyshockedtorealizethathistouchisturningmeon.Idon’trememberthelasttimeI

hadsexualthoughtstowardaman.EvenBen.Whichwasonemorethingthatmademesad.

Buthello,longlosthormones.
IwonderifI’mstillcapableofflirting…

“Icantotallydothis.”
“Ofcourseyoucan,”hesaysandassumesthestance,waitingformetohithim.
Ortry.
“Youknow,youshouldwearmoretanktops,”Isaycasually.“Yourarmsareridiculouslyhot.”
Ispin,fasterthistime,andactuallyhithiminthenosewithmyelbow.
Hard.
Sohard,infact,thathe’sbleeding.
“OhGod.”Istareathiminhorrorashecovershisnose.“Oh,Ben,I’msosorry.”
Helooks…stunned.
“That’smuchbetter,”hesays.“Damn,thathurt.”
“You’rebleeding.”
“It’snotthefirsttime.”
Andthen,tomyfascination,hewhipshistanktopoffintheone-armedwaythatsexymendo,and

pressesittohisnose.

ButnowIcanseealmostallofhim,andIswear,Ijuststartedtosalivate.
“Wow,”Ibreathe,notabletohidethewaymyeyeseathimalivefromheadtotoe.
Hedoesn’tjusthavesleevetattoos.No,apparentlythat’sjustnotsexyenough.Hehasatatonhisribs,

andoneontheoppositeside,downbythatsexyVthattravelsdownunderthewaistbandofhisshorts.

“Youdistractedme,”hesays.Hisvoiceisdifferentnow.Rough.
“Idid?”Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenBendistracted.
“Youflirtedwithme,andthathasn’thappenedinawhile.”
“Well,iftheendresultisyouwhippingyourshirtoff,I’lldoitallthetime.”
Hefrowns,andIrealizeI’vejustcrossedtheline.He’smybrothers’bestfriend,idiot.
Ishakemyhead.“Sorry.Really.Won’thappenagain.”
“It’sokay,”hesays.“ButIthinkIneedtoputsomeiceonthis.”
“Cometomyplace,”Iblurtout,notatallcoy.“YoucaniceitandI’llfeedyou.It’stheleastIcando.

Ihavegumbointheslowcooker.”

Helookshesitant.I’manidiot.Itookittoofar.
“Really,I’llkeepmyhandstomyself,andIwon’tflirt.”
“Well,where’sthefuninthat?”Hewinksatme.“I’llfollowyouthere.”
“Okay.”Igrinandgrabmythings.Benhasbeentomyhousebefore,butneverbyhimself.Hecamea

lotwhenwewereinthethroesofrenovationstohelpout,whichIloved.Itmakesmehappytoknowthat
thehouseIlovewasbuiltbythoseIlove.

Thetriptomyplaceisshort.Iliveclosetothestudio,andnotfarfromBen.Hepullsintomy

drivewaybehindmeandjoinsmeontheporch.

“ItlooksdifferentfromthelasttimeIwashere,”hesaysasIunlockthedoor.
“It’sfinallyfinished,”Isaywithasmile.“ComeonbacktothekitchensoIcangetyousomeice.I’m

sosorrythatIhityou.”

“Don’tbe,”hesays.“Youweresupposedtohitme.AndIwassupposedtoblockyou.”
“Ican’tbelieveIbeatupBentheBadass.”
HecocksabrowasIpasshimabagoffrozenpeas.
“Who?”
Ilaughandtakethelidoffofthegumbotogiveitastir.“Youheardme.I’vecalledyouthatfor

years.”

“Nevertomyface.”
“Well,no.Thatwouldbesilly.”Ismirkandturntofindhimleaningagainstmykitchencounter,the

peaspressedtohisnose.HepulledonaT-shirtinhiscar,whichisunfortunatebecauseIwantedtolook

athimabitmore.

“Whatareyouthinking?”heasks.
“ThatI’mhungry.”
“That’salie.”Hechecksthebagofpeasandfrownsattheblood.“ItoldyoualongtimeagohowI

feelaboutlying.”

“Well,it’stheonlyansweryou’regoingtoget.”Ireachforbowlsandscoopusbothupahealthy

serving.“Hereyougo.Doyouwanttositinthediningroom?”

“I’mfinehere.”Heleanshishipagainstthecounterandtakesabite,thengroansinhappiness.“Ihave

alwayslovedyourgumbo.”

DearsweetmercifulGod,thatgroan.IautomaticallyclenchmylegstogetherasIenjoythepurelust

runningthroughmyveins.Itfeelssogoodtobesexualagain!EvenifIdon’tgettohavesexwithBen,at
leastIknowthatpartofmedidn’tdie.

Althoughthethoughtofbeingtouchedbyanyoneelsemakesmebreakoutintoacoldsweat.Iknow

Ben,andItrusthim,buthe’snottherightpersonforme.Andthatsucks,somaybeI’mnotashealedasI
thought.

“Stopthinkingsohard,”hesaysandreachesouttotuckastraypieceofhairbehindmyear.“Howdo

youfeel?”

“Good.Thingsarereallygoodthesedays.”
“Good.”Henods.Hisnosehasstoppedbleeding,butitstilllooksswollenanduncomfortable.
“Areyougoingtohaveablackeye?”
“Nah.”Heshakeshishead.“I’llbegoodasnewbymorning.”
“Ofcourseyouwill.You’rebadass.”
“Exactly.”
IlaughasItakemyemptybowltothesink.Iwasdamnhungry,butKravalwaysmakesmehungry.I

usealotofcaloriesduringthatclass.

Also,myownshouldersandarmsarelookingprettymuscular.Notbody-buildermuscular,buttoned

enoughthatIlikethelooksofmyshouldersinatanktop,andthat’skindoffun.

Benjoinsmeatthesink,andwebegintowashanddryourfewdishesourselves,ratherthanputthem

inthedishwasher.

“Thanksfordinner,”hesaysashedriesthelastspoon.
“LikeIsaid,itwastheleastIcoulddoafterImaimedyou.”
Hechuckles,andthenbeforeIknowit,he’slaughing.Big,loudlaughscomingfromhisbelly,andI

can’thelpbutjoinin.Webothhavetearsaswestruggletocomposeourselves.

“You’reastronglittlething,”hesaysashecatcheshisbreath.
“Well,Ihopeso.I’vebeenworkingoutforalmosttwoyears.Itbetterbedoingsomething.”
“It’sworking,”herepliesandwipeshiseyes.“Thelookofhorroronyourfacewasalmostworthit.”
“Don’tmakemehityouagain.”
Andjustlikethat,he’slaughingagain,holdingontotheedgeofthecounter.Igrinandcrossmyarms

overmychest,watchingavidly.Ben’susuallysolaidback,so…calm,it’sraretoseehimlikethis.

AndIloveit.
Irubhisarmsoothingly,secretlyenjoyingthewayhefeelsagainstmyhand.Finally,hetakesadeep

breathandblowsitoutslowly.

“Ithinkwebothneededthatlaugh,”Isay.
“Iguessso,”herepliesandsuddenlypullsmeinforahug.Anincredible,tighthug,andthenheletsgo

justasquickly.“I’mrelievedtoseeyousohappy.”

“Ithinkthewholefamilyis,”Ireplywithanod.“AndIgetit.ButI’msomuchbetter,Ben.Ifeel

betterthanIhaveinmoreyearsthanIcancount.”

“That’sallanyonewants.”Hedragshisknucklesdownmycheek,sendinganelectricalcurrentdown

myspineandarms.Ibitemylip,watchinghisblueeyesastheytravelovermyface.

He’squietforalongmoment,butfinallysays,“You’resobeautiful.”
Iblinkslowly,wonderingifIjustimaginedthat.Heshakeshishead,asifpullinghimselfoutofa

daydreamanddropshishand.Hewalkstothetabletoretrievehiskeys.

“Ishouldgo.”
“Oh.Okay.”Ifollowbehindhimashemarchestothefrontdoor.
“Thanksfordinner.”
He’snotlookingmeintheeyesnow,andhe’smovingquickly,likehecan’twaittobeoutofhere.
Inevershouldhavetriedtoflirtwithhim.Imadehimuncomfortable,andnowheprobablyfeelssorry

forme,andthewholefuckingthingisjustawkward.WhichistheverylastthingIwantbetweenBenand
me.He’smyfriend.He’spracticallyapartofmyfamily.

Wecan’tdoawkward.
“Thanksagain,”hesaysandwavesashejogsdowntohiscar.It’sanewone.Ihaven’tseenitbefore.

Theshinyblackofthejeepsuitshim.

Andthenhe’sgone,andI’mleftstandingonmyporch,feelingtorninhalf.Ilovehim.I’vealways

lovedhim.ButthisisBen.

So,Ineedtogetoverit.MaybeIshouldtrytogooutonadatewithsomeone,justtoseeifthereare

anyofthesametwingeswhenI’mwithsomeoneelse.

Thethoughtmakesmeabitqueasy,butIgrabmyphoneonmywayupstairsandcallKate.
“Hello?”Thebabyiscryinginthebackground.“Eli,canyoupleasetakeher?”
“It’sokayifyoucan’ttalk,”Isayimmediately.“Wecanjusttext.”
“It’sfine,she’sjustfightingsleep.Eliusuallyhasbetterluckgettinghertosleepanyway.”
Thebaby’scriesgetsofterasshewalksawayfrommybrotherandtinyniece.
“Iwanttocomeseethebabysoon.”
“Wewouldlovethat.Okay.I’mblissfullyalone.What’sup?”
“Well,IwasjustthinkingthatmaybeIshouldstartdating.”
Crickets.
IpullthephoneawaytomakesureIhaven’tdroppedthecall.
“Kate?”
“I’mhere,”shesays.“Ijust…areyousure?”
“No.”Isitinmychairwithalaugh.“I’mdefinitelynotsure,butIthinkIshouldatleasttry.Imean,if

itdoesn’tfeelright,Idon’thavetodoitagain,right?”

“That’strue.AndIabsolutelyloveitthatyou’rethinkingaboutthis.Itmeansyou’reinareallygood

placenow.”

“Bestplaceever,”Iconfirm.“ButIdon’twanttodatejustanyone.Certainlynotanyoneonline.Istill

havetrustissues.”

“Completelyunderstandable.Hmm,letmethink.Weknowplentyofsinglemen.”
“Idon’twantmybrotherstosetmeup,”Ireply.“They’deitherforbiditaltogether,orsetmeupwith

someone’sgrandpa.”

“You’resoright,”Katesayswithalaugh.“Buttheyloveyou,andit’stheirjobtoprotectyou.”
“Yeah,yeah.I’malsoagrownwoman,andIdon’tneedmybrotherstoplaybodyguard.I’mabadass

now.”

“Yes.Youare.Okay.LetmethinkonitandI’lltextyou.”
“Okay.Nopressureandnorush.Really.Becausenowthatwe’retalkingaboutit,ImightfeellikeI

needtothrowup.”

“Oh,honey,that’sperfectlynormalforanywoman.Datingishardwork,andit’saboutninetypercent

bullshit.”

“Yeah.”Inod,eventhoughshecan’tseeme.“Datingsucks.”
“Bigtimesucks.ButtherehastobeatleastoneguyinNewOrleanswhoissingleandnotadouche.”
“Let’snotforgetsomeonewhohashisshittogether.Becausefrankly,I’mnotlookingtofindsomeoneI

havetosaveortakecareof.JustlikeIdon’tneedanyonetosaveme.Hehastobeaproductiveadult.”

“Well,thatnarrowsitdowntojustaboutnobody,”Katesayswithalaugh.“I’mkidding.”
“No,you’reprobablyright.”
“Letmethink—Wait!Iknow!”
“Okay.”
“Oh,what’shisname?”
“Ihavenoidea.”
“Damnit,Iswear,IstillhavepregnancybrainwhereIforgeteverything.HeworkswithSimon.”
Simonismysister,Charly’shusband.He’safamousBritishmotivationalspeaker.
“IsheBritish?”
“Ithinkso.”
“No.”Ishakemyhead.“Noonewholivesacrosstheoceanmostofthetime.”
“It’snotlikeyoucan’taffordtogovisithim,”Katesays,sarcasmdrippingfromherlips.
“Toomucheffort.Thinkofsomeoneelse.”
“You’reawfullypicky.”
“DamnrightIam.”Igrin.“Everywomanshouldbepicky.WhichiswhyI’msoconfusedastowhy

youmarriedmybrother.”

“Iheardthat,”Elisays.
“Stopeavesdropping.”
“I’mnot,I’mjustsittingrightnexttomybeautifulbride.”
Therearekissynoises,turningmystomach.
“Ew.Getaroom.”
“We’reinourroom,”Elisayswithalaugh.“I’llfindsomeoneforyoutodate.”
“No.Fuckno.Kate,tellhimno.”
“No,”Katesays.“Youkeepyournoseoutofthis.”
“She’smysister.”
“I’mgoingtohangupnow,”Isay,rollingmyeyes.“Letmeknowifyouthinkofanyone.AndtellEli

tomindhisowndamnbusiness.”

“Youaremybusiness,sugar.”
“Goodbye,”Isayloudlyandhangupthephone.GoodGod,whathaveIdone?Nowhe’llberecruiting

mybrotherstofindmeadatetoo.

Damnit.Ishouldhavejustkeptmybigmouthshut.
Ishrugandwalkintomybeautifulnewbathroomandrunabath.Istripdownandsinkintothehot

water,laymyheadback.I’mridiculous.Honestly,thethoughtofmeetingastrangerandgoingoutwith
him,potentiallykissingandhavingsexwithhimmakesmewanttothrowup.

I’mnotreadyforthat.Idon’tknowifI’lleverbereadyforthat.
Frankly,whenIthinkofbeingintimatewithanyone,it’sBen.It’salwaysbeenBen.Andyes,theman

issohothecouldstartafireatfiftypaces.Thosemuscles,thetattoos,theamazingblueeyes.It’sall
incrediblyhot.

Butit’swhatheisontheinsidethatpullsatme,almostmoreso.He’sgentleandkind,andwhenhe

smilesatme,itfeelslikeeverythingintheworldisjustright.

Andnoone,asidefrommyDaddy,asevermademefeelthatbefore.
IwonderwhatDadwouldsayaboutallofthis.He’dhavewordsofwisdom.Iwishtherewasa

phonelinetoheaventhatIcouldcallandspeaktohim.

Butthereisn’t.
Myphone,sittingontheteaktrayacrossmytub,pingswithatext.
It’sBen.MyheartfluttersandIbitemylipasIopenhismessage.
I’msorryI’msociallyawkward.
Ilaugh,relievedthathe’smakingtheuncomfortablemomentfromearlierajoke.
You’renot.Iam.And,asitturnsout,badatflirting.
Thethreedotsblinkashetypesouthisresponse.
You’rejustrusty.Soakthosemusclestonightinahotbathandyouwon’tbesosoretomorrow.
Igrinandsnapapictureofmyfeetrestingagainstthefarsideofthetub,justoutofthewaterandsend

ittohim.

Twostepsaheadofyou.
Hedoesn’treplyforalongwhile,andthenfinallysends,Goodnight,Van.
Isigh,regrettingthephotoalready.
Goodnight.

ChapterThree

~Ben~

“Whatthefuckhappenedtoyou?”BeauasksasIwalkintothegymatBayouEnterprises.Beau,Eli

andIhaveastandingappointmentherethreetimesaweek.Theirotherbrother,Declan,sometimesjoins
usaswell,andwetalktrashandbeattheshitoutofeachother.

It’smyfavoritepartoftheweek.
“Youshouldseetheotherguy,”Ireply,notansweringthequestionatall.WhatamIsupposedtosay?

Yoursister,whoweighsabuck-tensoakingwet,kickedmyass?

Elismirksandjumpsuponthepull-upbartodosomepull-ups.
“Youlooktired,”Itellhim.
“Ihaveaninfant,”heremindsme.
“You’rewealthy.Don’twealthypeoplehirenannies?”Ialreadyknowtheanswertothisquestion,but

Ilovegettingariseoutoftheseguys.

“Notthesewealthypeople,”herepliesandfallstothefloor.“WewillhiresomeonewhenKatewants

togobacktowork,butfornow,it’sjustthetwoofus.”

“IneverthoughtI’dseethedaythatEliBoudreauxwasnotonlysettleddownwithonewoman,but

waschangingdiaperstoo.”

“It’sratherfunny,”Beauagreesandshrugswhenhisbrotherglaresathim.“Youwerealwaysthe

confirmedbachelor.”

“Ijusthadn’tmetKateyet,”hesays.
“Howsweet,”Isayandlaughwhenhetakesaswingatme.Ieasilymoveoutoftheway,andthis

beginsoursparringfortheafternoon.There’slittletalkinvolved,otherthanthetypicaldon’tbeawussas
wegothroughthemotionsofpunching,kicking,andgenerallykickingeachother’sasses.

“Ican’thelpbutnotice,”BeausaysashestepsasideandwatchesmeadvanceonEli,“theironythat

wedidthisexactthingwhenweweresixteen.Wejustdidn’thavethedisguiseofcallingitexercisethen.”

Eligruntsandtacklesmearoundthewaist,sendingmeontomyback.Fatherhoodhasn’tsoftenedhim

intheleast,andIhavetodigdeeptogetoutofhishold.

“Notbad,”Isay,panting,asIstandandwalktotheedgeofthemattogetmywater.Ihearthedoorof

thegymopen,andIturnexpectingtoseeDeclan,butinstead,findSavannahwalkinonthesexiestblack
heelsI’veeverseen.Shegrins,thenlooksatmeandherfacefallsinhorror,herskingoingwhiteasa
ghost.

“OhmyGod,”shesaysandrushestome,thoseheelsclickingquicklyonthewoodfloor.“Yousaid

you’dbeokay.Igaveyouafreakingblackeye!”

EliandBeau’ssmirksaren’tlostonmeasshemovestotouchmyface,andIbackawayimmediately.
Shecan’ttouchmerightnow.
Lastnightatherhousewastoomuchforme.IknewIshouldn’thavegone,butIcouldn’tsayno.And

thensheletmetouchher,andshefuckingcameontome,andIhadtogetoutoftherebeforeIboostedher
upontothekitchencounterandsunkinsideher,makingloveuntilIdon’tknowwheresheendsandI
begin.

Andthatcanneverhappen.
“I’mfine,”Ireply.“Itlooksworsethanitis.”
“Bullshit,”shesays.IloveitwhenVangetsallfiredup.She’ssopetite,buthersizehasnothingtodo

withherattitude.It’sgoodtoseethislightinhereyes.Itwasgoneforfartoolong.“You’rehurt,andIdid
it.”

“Theotherguylooksfinetome,”Beausays.Tearsrundownhischeeksfromlaughing.
“Fuckyou,”Ireply.
“So,howexactlydidthishappen?”Eliasks.
“Hewas—”Vanbegins,butIcutheroff.
“Itdoesn’tmatter.”Iwalkaroundher,needingtoputsomedistancebetweenus.“Itwasanaccident.I

thinkwe’redonefortoday.”

“Westillhavefifteenminutesleft,”Elisayswithagrinthatsayshe’senjoyingthehelloutofmy

discomfort.

“We’redone,”Irepeat.“I’llseeyouonWednesday.”
“Ben.”
IturnatthesoundofSavannah’svoiceandlookintohereyesforthefirsttimesinceshearrived.
“Yeah?”
“I’mreallysorry.”
She’snotjusttalkingabouttheeye.Webothknowit.Thethingis,shehasnothingtobesorryfor.
I’mtheonewhocan’thandlejustbeingfriendsanymore.Shehasn’tdoneanythingwrong,andIhate

thethoughtthatI’vemadeherthinkshehas.Whichisnewtome,becauseIusuallydon’tgiveafuckif
I’verubbedsomeonethewrongway.

ButIcareaboutVan.
SoIcrosstoherandkissherforehead,nottouchingheranywhereelse.
Shesmellslikesunshineandstrawberries.
Shesmellslikesheusedtobeforeherlifewentsideways.
Fuckme,Iwanther.
“Youdidn’tdoanythingwrong,”Itellher,tippingherchinup.“I’mfine.”
Shesearchesmyfaceforasecondandthennods.“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“You’resureyouwon’tstay?”Beauasks.“Wehavetwelveminutesleft.”
“I’mout,”Ireply.I’llnevermakeSavannahfeeluncomfortable.Well,notintentionallyanyway.But

I’msmartenoughtoknowwhenIneedtoremovemyselffromher.

IwaveasIleaveandtaketheprivateelevatordownandwalktomycar,throwingmygymbaginthe

back.

Andmyphonerings.
“Hi,Mom.”
“Hi,darlin’,”shesays.Shesoundstired.Butthen,Momalwayssoundstiredthesedays.“Whatare

youupto?”

“IjustleftBeauandEliandwasthinkingaboutheadingintotheofficeforafewhours.”
“Oh,that’snice.Howaretheboys?”
Igrin.MomisasmuchapartoftheBoudreauxfamilyasIam.It’salwaysjustbeenMomandme,but

theBoudreauxfamilywasalwaysrightnextdoor.MymamaandMamaBoudreauxarebestfriends.

“They’regood.Ikickedtheirasses.”
“Idon’tlikethatlanguage,”sheremindsme,andIcan’thelpbutfeelscolded.Howisitthatnomatter

howoldIget,mymomstillhastheabilitytodressmedownwithonesentence?

“Yes,ma’am,”Imurmur.“Howareyoutoday?”
“Well,I’mokay,butIwashopingIcouldtalkyouintogoingtothegrocerystoreforme.”
Ifrown.Momneedshelpforalotofthingsthesedays,thankstoallofherhealthproblems,butshe’s

stillquiteself-sufficient.

“Areyounotfeelingwell?”
“Notgreat,”sheconfirms.“Ihaven’tbeenabletogettothestorethispastweek,andI’moutofafew

things.”

“OfcourseI’llgo,”Ireplyimmediatelyandturntowardherhouse.ShestilllivesnextdoortoMama

Boudreaux.Ithinkthehouseistoobigforhernow,butshelovesit,andrefusestomove.SoIhireda
womantocomeinonceaweektocleanforher.

It’stheleastIcando.
WesaygoodbyeandImakeittoherhousequickly.
WhenIwalkin,Iimmediatelyknowthatsomethingisn’tright.
“Mom?”Icallout.
“Upstairs,”shecallsback.
Thehousesmellsofoldgarbage.Shehasn’ttakenitoutinawhile,andtherearedirtydishesinthe

sink.

Thisisnotnormalformymom.
Itakethestairstwoatatimeandfindhersittingontheedgeofherbed.She’swearingarobeand

slippers.Herdarkhairisamess.

“What’sgoingon?”
“Oh.”Shewavesmeofflikenothingbigiswrong.“Ijusthaveasoretoe.Igavemyselfapedicure

andnickedtheskin.”

“Whenisthelasttimeyouweredownstairs?”
Shecringes.“It’sbeenaminute.Acoupledaysprobably.”
“Acoupleofdays?”Iscowldownather.“Letmeseeyourtoe.”
“It’llbeokay.”
“Mama.”Myvoiceisfirm.
“Don’tyoutalktomelikethat,youngman.Youmaybeallgrowlywithyourclientsandfriends,but

I’mstillyourmotherandyouwillspeakrespectfullytome.”

Itakeadeepbreath,pushingthefrustrationaside.“Yes,ma’am.CanIpleaseseeyourtoe?”
“See,thatwasn’tsohard,”shesays.It’sagoodthingshe’slookingatherfootasshetakesherslipper

offratherthanmyfacebecauseshe’dtanmyhidefortheeyerollIjustgaveher.

ButthenIlookdownatherfoot.
“Mama,that’snotjustasoretoe.”
Thetoeisclearlyinfected,pushingthetoesoneithersideofitout.There’snowayshecouldwear

shoesrightnow.Ithastohurtsobadly,Idon’tknowhowshecanbeartowalktothebathroom,notto
mentiondownthestairs.

Shestillalsohasseveralopenwoundsonherlegsthankstothearterialdiseaseshehasthatprohibits

herbodyfromhealingitself.Thatcombinedwiththediabetesmakesittoughforherifshegetshurtor
sick.

“Whydidn’tyoucallmedaysago?”
“BecauseI’mokay.”
“Mama,you’renotokay.”
“Idon’twanttogotothedoctor.”
Isighandscrubmyhandovermyface.Gettingthiswomantoagreetogotothedoctorisliketryingto

debatewithaterrorist.

“Iknowyoudon’t,butyouneedto.I’mtakingyourightnow.”
“Mypodiatristisbookedweeksahead.That’swhyIgavemyselfthepedicureratherthangoin.A

womanneedstohaveprettyfeet.”

“Isee.Well,then,we’regoingtotheemergencyroom.”
“Benjamin—”
“Mom,wehaveto.”

Shesighsandfinallynods.“Okaythen.”
IhelpherdressinsweatpantsandaT-shirt,andshewigglesherwaybackintoherslipper,butIcan

seethatit’spainfulandtakesagreatdealofeffort.

Shemovestostand,butIpickherupandcarryherdownthestairs.
“Well,aren’tyoujustthestrongone?”shesayswithasmile.“Beenmorethanaminutesinceaman

carriedmeanywhere.”

“Youshouldn’tbewalking,”Ireplyandgethersettledintothecar.“Doyouwantmetocallanyone

else?”

“No,they’llprobablyputmeonanantibioticandsendmehome.Noneedtoworryanyone.”
Ihopeso.

***

“She’sgoingtobehereforacoupleofdays,”IsaytoBeauonthephoneacoupleofhourslater.

“Theyhavetoamputatethetoeimmediately,andwe’rehopingtheinfectiondidn’ttravelup.Ifitdid,
there’sachancethatshecouldlosethefoot.”

“Damn,”Beaurepliesgrimly.“I’llbethereinjustabit.Aretheytakingherinforsurgeryright

away?”

“Yeah,they’repreppinghernow.She’snothappy.”
“I’msurenot.Justtextmewhichwaitingroomyou’reinandI’llbetheresoon.I’llletthefamily

know.”

“Ihaven’tcalledyourmomyet.”
“Don’tworry,I’lldoit.Gobewithherwhilethey’repreppingherandtellherweallloveher.”
Igrin.“Foraguywhocanbesuchabadass,you’resureasoftiewhenitcomestowomen.”
“AsfarasIknow,that’showit’ssupposedtobe,”herepliesandthenhedisconnectsthecall.
Idon’tknowifI’veevertoldthemallhowthankfulIamforthem.AsidefromMom,Idon’thaveany

otherbloodrelativesthatIknowof.Ifthereisfamilyoutthere,theydon’tliveinNewOrleans,and
Mom’snevermentionedthem.

SohavingtheBoudreauxfamilyinourliveshasbeenawesome.
AndthisisaremindertomeastowhyIcan’tevertrytostartsomethingwithSavannah.Ourfamilies

aretoolinked,ourlivesinterconnected.

I’dneverrisklosingthat.
“Thereheis,”MomsayswhenIwalkintoherroom.“Don’ttellmeyougoteveryoneriledupover

thislittlething.”

“Amputationisn’talittlething,”Iremindher.
“It’sjustatoe,Benjamin.Notawholeappendage.”
“Thankfully,”Ireplyandleanovertokissherforehead.“Youreyesaregettingdroopy.”
“Theygavememoredrugs,”shesayswithasigh.“I’msotiredofmedication.”
“Iknow.”Ikissheragainandsitnexttoher.“ButIbetyou’retiredofyourtoehurtingevenmore.”
“That’strue,”shesaysandlicksherlips.“CanIhavewater?”
“Sorry,no,”anursesaysasshewalksintheroom.“We’reabouttowheelyouback.Youcanhavelots

ofwaterafteryouwakeup.”

Momgripsmyhand.“Thispartmakesmenervous.”
“You’lldogreat,”Ireplyandignoretheblatantstaresthenurseisgivingme.“AndI’llbeherewhen

youwakeup.Infact,Ithinkseveraloftheotherswillbeheretoo.”

“Hownice,”shesayswithasmile.“Don’tgetallfussywithflowers.”
“Mom,weliketofuss.”
AndIknowshesecretlylikesittoo,butdoesn’twanttoshowit.
Beforelongshe’soutcoldandanothernursecomesintotheroomtowheelherout.

Thefirstnursestaysbehind,andwhenwe’reintheroomalone,shesurprisesmewith,“Ilikeyour

tattoos.”

“Thanks.”Myphonebeepswithatext.It’sBeaulettingmeknowthathe’sinthewaitingroom.
“Idon’tusuallydothissortofthing,becauseit’snotexactlyprofessional,but—”
“Pleasedon’t,”Isay,interruptingher.“Idon’twanttohurtyourfeelings,andthat’sallthatcancome

fromthisconversation.”

Herfacefallsandshenods,thenhurriesoutoftheroom.
Shit.Iprobablycouldhavehandledthatmoregently,butdamnit,theyjustwheeledmymotherbackto

surgery,I’mbeatingmyselfupoverSavannah,whichisfuckingstupidbecausethere’snothingthereto
beatmyselfupover,andthelastthingIneedismymom’snursecomingontome.

Imean,whothefuckdoesthat?
IwalkouttothewaitingroomandamsurprisedtoseenotjustBeau,butSavannahaswell.
“Howisshe?”Beauasksastheybothstand.
“She’sokay.Alittlescared,butfine.Theprocedureshouldonlytakeaboutanhour.”
“Good,”Vansays.“PoorMillie.”
“She’dbeenstrandedupstairsforacoupleofdays,”IsayanddropintoachairfacingBeauandVan.

“Shedidn’tcallmeuntiltoday.”

“Shit,”Beauwhispers.“Shecouldhaveevencalledmymom.She’srightnextdoor.”
“Stubbornwoman,”Imutter.“IthinkI’mgoingtohavetohireacaregivertocomestaywithher.I’m

notcomfortablewithherbeingalone.”

“Doyouthinkshe’dgoforit?”Beauasks.
“Maybe,especiallyafterthis.Shemaytalkabiggame,butIcouldtellthatshewasscared.”Ishake

myhead,frustrated.“Iphysicallycarriedherouttothecarandbroughtherhere.”

“Wow,”Savannahsays,catchingmyattention.She’slisteningintently,hereyesfullofconcernand

somethingelsethatI’vebeguntoseelately,anddon’tquiteknowhowtohandleit,eventhoughit’slikea
siren’ssongthatIonlywanttogetcloserto.

Andthat’sabadidea.
“I’mgoingtogograbusallacoffeeatthecafeteria,”Beausaysandstands.“Doyouwantanything

else?”

IshakemyheadnojustasVansays,“I’dratherhavetea,please.”
BeaunodsandwalksawayandI’mleftalonewithSavannah.Shemovesfromherseattotheoneright

nexttomeandrubsmyarminfirm,soothingstrokes.

“She’sgoingtobejustfine,”shesays.“Ithinkthecaregiverideaisagoodone.Maybefornowall

sheneedsissomeonetocomebewithherduringtheday.Theywouldn’tnecessarilyhavetobelivein.At
least,notforawhile.”

Inod,unabletotalk.Herwarmlittlehandonmeismakingmydicktwitch,andthat’snotatall

appropriatewhileyourmotherisinsurgery.

ButI’llbedamnedifIcanstopit.
“Eli’sonhisway,”shecontinues,hervoicesoothingandheavywithheraccent.“Hehadtowrapupa

meetingandthenwasgoingtocomehere.Wecalledeveryoneelse,andthey’rewaitingforanupdate.
Theycanbehereinalittlebitifweneedthem.”

Inod.
“You’reawfullyquiet,”shesaysandlinksherfingerswithmine,andthat’sallIcantake.
Iwanttoholdher.Iwanttohugherandnotletgo.Iwanttokissthosesweet,plumplipsandrunmy

handsalloverherlittlebody.

AndIwanttolieinbedandtalkallthroughthenightaboutnothingatall.
Andthat’ssomethingI’veneverwantedtodowithanotherwomaninmylife.

“Shit,”Iwhisperandpullmyhandawayfromher,thendeliberatelyputherhandinherownlap.“I

don’tthinkIcandothis.”

“Dowhat?”She’sfrowning.
“Youknow—”
Shit,Idon’tknowhowtosaythis.Itakeadeepbreathandpressmyfingertipsintomyeyes,tryingto

findawaytosaythiswithoutspillingmyguts.

Butthenitoccurstomethatpussyfootingaroundthetruthhasn’tgottenusanywheresofar,sowhynot

bebrutallyhonest?

“Here’sthething,Van.Ican’tdothis.Ican’tspendtherestofmylifeinthefriendzonewithyou.”
Istand,puttingsomespacebetweenusandstaredownather.Itfeelshotinhere.
“Iloveyourfamily,andIowethemalot.Yourbrothersaremybrothers.GabbyandCharlyaremy

sisters,orascloseaspossiblewithoutactuallysharingDNA.

“ButIdon’thavethosesamefeelingsaboutyou,Van.Idon’tfeelbrotherlyatallwithyou.”
Shewon’tlookatme.Herhandsarefoldedtightlyinherlap,andherheadisdown.
Fuckme,I’mscrewingthisup.
“Lookatme.”Shecomplies,andhereyesaresad,whichisahardpunchtothegut.“Iknowitfeels

likethisisoutoftheblue.Ijustcan’tsithereandleanonyouasafriend,whenthat’snotwhatIwantat
all.I’vehadthehotsforyousincewewerekids.Butyouwerewaytooyoungformetotrytopursueyou,
andthenourlivesjustwentintwodifferentdirections.

“Whenwewerebothadults,yougotmarried.”Iclearmythroat,notwillingtotellherhowmuchthat

destroyedme.HowhearingthosewordsfromElibroughtmetomyknees,andthethoughtofanotherman
havinghishandsonhermademewanttopunchthefuckoutofsomeone.

“IknowIcan’thaveyou,foramilliondifferentreasons,andIcametotermswiththatyearsago.ButI

alsocan’tsithereandpretendthatwe’rejustfriends.”

Shedoesn’tsayaword,andshe’sloweredhergazeagain,stillnotwillingtolookatme.
Finally,shenodsonce,stands,andwalksawaywithoutevenaglanceback.Nogoodbye.Nopunching

meforbeingadick.

Nothing.
WhatthefuckdidIjustdo?
Notevenfiveminuteslater,ElishowsupjustasBeaureturnswiththehotdrinks.
“WhydidVanjusttakemycarkeysandtellmetocatcharidebackwithBeau?”Eliasks,complete

confusioncoveringhisface.

“Ijustfuckedeverythingup.”
Beaufrownsandhandsmethecoffee,thenpassesVan’steatoEli.
“Ohno,Igetthecoffee.”ElireachesforBeau’scoffeeandhandshimthetea.
“Whatdidyousay?”Beauasks.
“Andhowdoweunfuckit?”Eliadds.
“You’regoingtowanttopunchme.”
“That’snothingnew,”Beausays,hisvoiceassteadyasever.“Spillit.”

ChapterFour

~Savannah~

Whatinthehelljusthappened?
I’mdrivingtoKateandEli’splace.Ican’tgobacktoworklikethis,especiallysinceKateisstillon

maternityleave.AndIneedtotalktoher.

Kate’sbeenoneofmybestfriendssinceshe,Declan,andIsharedanapartmentatcollege.
Ican’tbelievewhatBenjustsaid.Herenderedmespeechless,andembarrassed.
Andnotalittlebitsad.
Ifeeltearsgather,andIwipethemawayfuriously.
IamnotgoingtocryoverthelikesofBen!I’mgoingtoclingontotheangerlikealifeline.
IpullintoEli’sdrivewayandcuttheengine,thenmarchuphisporchandknocktwicebeforeIlet

myselfin.

“Kate?”
“Shh,”shesays,hurryingoutfromthekitchen.“IfinallygotCoralinedown.”
“Sorry,”Iwhisper.“Isthereasafeplaceformetorant?”
“Backyard,”shesayswithanod.Shegrabstwobottlesofcolaandthebabymonitorandleadsmeout

thebackdoortothebeautifulpatio.“Okay.Shecan’thearusouthere.”

“IhopeIdidn’twakeher.”
Sheglancesdownatthemonitorandturnsitup.“Nope,she’ssleeping.”
“Youhavemomsuperpowers,”Imutter,makinghergrin.
“Cool,huh?”
“Prettycool.”Ishrugandpacetotheedgeofthepatio,staringatprofessionallygroomedgrassand

flowergardens.

“What’sup?”Kateasksasshesettlesinachair.
“Ben,”Ireplyandturntolookather.“Ijustleftthehospital.”
“How’shismom?”
“ShewasstillinsurgerywhenIleft.”
Shenarrowshereyes,watchingmeclosely.“Hehurtyou.”
“Hepissedmeoff,”Icorrecther.“Iwasbeingsupportive.BeauwenttogetcoffeeandIstayedwith

Ben,comfortinghim,andsuddenly,hegoesallpsychoonme.”

“Wait,”shesays,holdingupahand.“We’retalkingaboutBen?”
“Yes.Ben.”Imarchawayfromherandthenbackagain.“Iwasjustholdinghishand,tellinghimthat

sheisgoingtobeokay,becausethat’swhatfriendsdo.That’swhatfamilydoes.”

Katenods,soIkeepgoing.
“Andthen,hesuddenlypushesmeawayandtellsmehecan’tbemyfriend.”
“Wait.What?”
“Exactly!”Ipointather.“Whatthefuck?”
“Whatdidhesay?Exactly.”
“Thathecan’tpretendthatwe’rejustfriendsanymore.”
Herfacesoftensandshesitsbackinherchairagain.“Goon.”
“Hesaidhe’sbeenattractedtomeforyears,andheacceptsthathe’snotrightforme,buthealsocan’t

sitbyandjustbeinthefriendzone.”

“PoorBen,”KatesaysandIscowlather.
“Whyareyouonhisside?”

“I’mnotonanyside.”Sheshakesherheadandtakesasipofhercola.“ButVan,thisisn’tnewnews

toanyofus.”

“Well,it’snewstome,”Ireplyandfinallylowermyselfintothechairnexttohers.“Imean,that’sthe

thanksIgetforbeingagoodfriend?”

“Okay,pullyourheadoutofyourass,”Katesays.
Ireallywanttopunchherrightnow.
“Ben’sbeeninlovewithyouforyears,Van.Weallknowit.Hell,yourbrothershavebeengivinghim

thegreenlighttodateyouforatleastthelastyear.”

Istareather,stunned.“Idon’tthinkIunderstoodyoucorrectly.”
“Youdid.”Shesmilesnow.Katelooksfantastic.Motherhoodlooksgoodonher.
“Ican’tbewithBen.”
“Whynot?”
“Jesus,therearealistofreasons,Kate.”
“I’minnohurry.Let’shearthem.”
Shecrossesonelegovertheotherandwaits.
“Ishouldn’thavecomehere.”
“Yes,youshould.Iwanttohearwhyyouthinkthatyoucan’tbewithBen.”
“Okay,there’sthelittlefactthathe’smybrothers’bestfriend.Thatimmediatelymakeshimoff-limits.”
“Exceptthatyourbrothershaveencouragedhimtoaskyouout,”sheremindsme.“Also,you’renot

sixteen.”

“Kate,he’spartofourfamily.Ifitdoesn’tworkout,it’llruinthat.Wealllovehimandhismother.I

can’triskalifetimeoffamilyrelationshipsjustbecauseIwanttoclimbhimlikeatreeandhavemyway
withhim.”

“Well,Ben’shot,sothat’sprettynormalifyouaskme.”
“GabbyandCharlywouldneverthinkofhimlikethat.”
“GabbyandCharlyaren’tinlovewithhim.”
Itakeadeepbreath,andratherthanadmittowhatshejustsaid,Ikeeptalking.
“Also,I’mbroken,Kate.Idon’tknowifIcouldhandlehimtouchingmeinanintimateway.Imean,

I’vecomealongway,andIfindhimsoattractive,butwhatifintheheatofthemomentIcan’tdoit?”

“Well,thenyousaysoandhebacksoff.”Shereachesoverandsqueezesmyhand.“Benwouldnever

makeyoudosomethingyou’renotcomfortablewith.”

“Iknow.”
“Doyou?Becauseyoucan’tequatelovetothebullshityouwereinbefore.Thatwasn’teveninthe

samevicinityaslove.”

“No.Itwasn’t.”
“Besides,whenyouthinkofBenkissingyou,doyouautomaticallywanttothrowup?”
Ithinkbackonthepreviousnightatmyplaceandshakemyhead.“No.Notatall.”
“Well,thereyougo.Besides,Van,you’renotbroken.”
Ifrownagain,butshekeepsgoing.
“You’renotbroken.YouknowthatIwasinasimilarrelationshipbeforeEli.Ithoughthe’dbrokenme

too,butElisaidsomethingthatalwaysstickswithme.Hesaid,hehurtyou,butnoonebrokeyou.”

“Mybrothercanbenice.”
Shesmiles.
“Itwasthetruth.Andit’strueforyoutoo.You’renotbroken.”
“Ican’tgivehimchildren,”Iblurtoutandthencovermymouthwithmyhand,staringatKatein

horror.

I’venevertoldanyonethisbefore.

Shecocksherheadtotheside,watchingme.“Why?”
Iswallowandblink,gatheringmythoughts.
“BecausehehurtmesobadlyoversomuchtimethatI’minfertile.”
Hereyessimultaneouslynarrowandfillwithtears.
“Iwanttokillthatmotherfucker.”
“Well,getinline,becausethere’sawholeslewofusthatwantthesamething.Thepointis,evenifI

couldconvincemyselftorisktherelationshipourfamilieshave,itwouldn’tbefairtoBen.Heshould
havekids,andIcan’tgivehimthat.”

“Ohboy,”shewhispersandpinchesthebridgeofhernose.“AllI’veheardfromyouisexcuses,Van.

You’remakingdecisionsforbothofyouwithoutaskingBenwhathewants.Youbothneedtostopbeing
soafraidofeachother.”

“Ijustdon’tknowhowitcouldwork,”Ireplysoftly.“Forthefirsttimeinyears,I’mphysically

attractedtoaman,andit’sBen.I’msureit’sbecauseItrusthim,andI’veknownhimforever,soitdoesn’t
scaremetothinkaboutbeingwithhiminthatway.”

“Areyounine?Useyourbiggirlwords.”
“Iwanttohavesexwiththeman.”Ishrug.“Icanadmitit.Butthisisn’tsomeonenewwhodoesn’t

matter.”

“Nope,it’sBen,andthat’swhyIthinkit’sperfect.”
Isigh.“Idon’tthinkI’manylessconfusedthanIwaswhenIarrived.”
“That’sokay,”KatesaysjustaslittleCoralinebeginstofussoverthebabymonitor.“Youdon’thave

tohaveitallfiguredouttoday.I’msorryhehurtyourfeelings.”

Isitthatsimple?
Iguess,attherootofit,that’sit.Hehurtmyfeelings.
AndIranofftosulklikeachildratherthantrytotalktohim.
“Ihavetogetthebaby.”
“CanIcome?Shewon’tbelittleforverylong,andI’dlovetosnuggleher.”
“Ofcourse.”SheleadsmeinsideandtoCoraline’snursery.She’ssuckingonhertinyfist,herfeet

kickingabout.

“She’ssodangsweet,”Iwhisperjustasshesmilesupatme.“Andshe’sacharmertoo.”
“I’mgoingtohavetolockherupwhenshe’sateenager.”
Ilaughandreachinherbassinettopickherupandcuddleher,breathinginthebabysmell.
Andanothersmellaswell.
“Sheneedstobechanged.”
“Ithinkwecantrustyoutodothat.”
Iwrinklemynoseandlookdownatthebaby.“Nopeeingonme.Okay?”
Shegrinsagainandstuffsherfistbackinhermouth.
“Thatdidn’tlookpromising.”
Katelaughsasshefetchesmeafreshdiaper.
“Goodluck,AuntVan.”

***

I’msettledinathomelaterintheevening,catchinguponbillsandsocialmedia,sippingwineand

enjoyingthehelloutofmyfireplacewhensomeoneringsmydoorbell.It’smomentslikethisthatIwishI
hadadog.Abigdog.BecauseeventhoughI’vecomealongway,itwouldbenicetohavetheextra
protection.

Pullyourbiggirlpantiesonandanswerthestupiddoor.
Ipeekoutthewindowandfrown.
Ben.

Hecocksabrowatmeandwaitspatiently.Icouldwalkaway,butthat’sjustmean,andI’venever

beenmean.

SoIopenthedooranddomybesttoblockhiswayinside.
“Hi.”Heoffersmeatentativesmile.
“Hello.”
“CanIcomein?”
“No.”
Henodsandlooksdownathisfeet.
“Okay,that’sfair.ButIhopeyou’llchangeyourmindbecauseIhavesomethingstosay.”
“Whyaren’tyouwithyourmom?”
“Becauseshekickedmeout.Shesaidshedidn’tneedmetohoverallnightlong.I’llgobackinthe

morning.”

“Howisshe?”
Hesmiles.“She’sdoingwell.Theyonlyhadtotakethetoe.”
“I’mrelievedtohearthat.Butyoucouldhavejusttexted.”
“That’snotwhyI’mhere.”HeslapshishandonthedoorwhenIwouldhaveshutit.“I’mhereabout

you.”

I’mnotgoingtowinthisfight.HewouldleaveifIgotforcefulaboutit,butthenI’dkickmyselfforit

later,andwonderwhathewantedtosay.

So,Iturnandwalkbackintothelivingroom.Benshutsthedoorbehindhimandjoinsme.
Neitherofussits.
“Ireallywanttoapologize.”
“Metoo,”Ireplyandbitemylip.
Hefrowns.“Whydoyouneedtoapologize?Youdidn’tsayanything.”
“Well,thethoughtsinmyheadwereprettybad.Imighthavecalledyouafewnames.”
Hislipstwitchwithhumor,butthenhegetsseriousagain.
“Ididn’tmeantobesobluntearlier,Van.”
“Beingbluntisbetterthantalkingincircles,andfarlessexhausting,”Ireply.
“It’shurtful,andhurtingyouisthelastthingIwouldeverwanttodo.Iwanttoexplain.”
“There’sreallynotmuchtosay,Ben.Youdon’twanttobemyfriendanymore.AndIcanlivewith

that,butitwillmakefamilygatheringsalittleweird.”

“Van—”
“Okay,alotweird.”
“No,you’rewrong.Idowanttobeyourfriend.Iamyourfriend.Butit’salsokillingme.”
Heshoveshisfingersthroughhislightbrownhairandcrossestheroomtothewindow,staringthrough

it.Hisshouldersarewide,hiswaistlean,andhehasthebestdamnassI’veeverseen.

Stopstaringathisass.
He’squietforsolong,Ilosepatience.“Look,justsaywhatyouneedtosay,Ben.”
“We’dbehereallnight,”hesaysasheturnstolookatme.“God,you’resofuckingbeautiful,Van.”
Ifrownandwillthemutantbutterfliesinmystomachtocalmthefuckdown.
“I’vebeenattractedtoyousincewewereteenagers.”Heshrugs.“Butyouweremyfriends’younger

sister,andthere’sacodeamongstfriendsthatyoudon’tdateeachother’ssisters.”

“Isthatinabooksomewhere?”
Hedoesn’tanswer;hejustpacestheroom,talking.
“IknewyouweretooyoungformewhenIleftforcollege,andthatarelationshipatthattimeinour

livesneverwouldhavelasted.”Heswallowshard.“Andthen,likeIsaidearlier,lifejusttookusin
differentdirections.AndthenonedayElicallsmeandsaysthatyou’reengaged.”

Heturnstomenow,hisfaceashen.
“Itwastheworstdayofmylife.”
“Ben—”
“No,Itakethatback.Itwasthesecondworstdayofmylife.Theworstdayofmylifewaswalking

intothatbedroomafterthesonofabitchtriedtokillyou.”

Iclosemyeyes.Ihavenothingtobeembarrassedabout,butIhatedthatBensawmelikethat.Itwas

almostworsethanwhatLanceputmethrough.

“Lookatme,”hesaysandIcomply.“Ialmostkilledhim,Van.”
“Iknow.”
“No.”Heshakeshisheadfiercely.“No,youdon’tknow.Iwantedtokillhimwithmybarehands.I

tooksomuchpleasureinmakinghimbleed.Inmakinghimbegmetostop.”

Jesus.
“Ihavethatinme,andIcan’tdenythat.WhatIdoforalivingisviolent.Andyou’vealreadyhadso

muchviolenceinyourlife,Ican’taskyoutobemine.Ijustcan’t.”

“Youwouldneverhurtme.”
“No.Iwouldn’t.AndIcanpromiseyouthat.Butforthefirsttimeinmylife,onthatday,Iwantedto

killhim.Andtheonlythingthatmademestopwasthethoughtofgoingtoprisonandneverseeingyou
again.”

Thetearsareflowingfreelynow.Ican’tstopthem.Benisbreakingmyheart,andIdidn’tthinkthat

waspossible.

“Ialwaysthoughtthatjusthavingyouinmylifewasenough.Aslongasyouwerehappyandhealthy,it

wasenoughtobeontheoutsidelookingin,butit’sjustnotgoodenoughanymore.”

Helickshislips;hiseyesarelockedonmine.
“You’vebeenagoodfriendtome.”
“Yes.I’mtheoneyoucallwhenyouneedaridehomefromgirls’nightout.I’mtheoneyoubounce

ideasoffof.Hell,that’salwaysbeenthecasebetweenus.AndI’veworkedhardtokeepmyhandsoffof
you.”

“WhatifIdon’twantyoutokeepyourhandsoffofme?”
Hestepscloserashisblueeyesdarkenwithlust.Istandmyground,notafraidofhimintheleast.
Hisknucklesgentlyglidedownmycheekasheleansinandkissesmyforehead,mynose,thecorner

ofmymouth.

“I’mgoingtokissyou.”
It’snotaquestion,andI’mnotgoingtosayno.
IfeellikeI’vewaitedmywholedamnlifeforthis.Iknowallofthereasonsthatthiscan’twork,but

I’mnotstrongenoughtoturnhimdown.

Hislipsslipovermine,pressinggently.Benexpertlymovesthekissfromsofttopassionate,

wrappinghisstrongarmsaroundmeasIopenupforhim,invitinghimtoexploremymouthandlips,and
hedoesn’tdisappoint.I’mdrunkfromhiskiss.Theroomisspinning,andIhavetoholdontohisshoulders
tosteadymyself.

Fartoosoon,heloosenshisgriponmeandkissesmyforeheadonceagainbeforesteppingaway

altogether.

“Didthatfeelbrotherly?”
“MaybeifwelivedinArkansas,”IsayasIopenmyeyes.Hesmilesandthenchuckles,pushinghis

handthroughhishairagain.

“Ialwayslovedyoursassymouth.”
Hemovesinagain,butratherthankissme,hejusthugsmetightly.
“ThisiswhatIwant,”hewhispers.“YouarewhatIwant,Savannah.Butit’syourchoice.Ineedyou

toknowthatthis,whateverthisendsupbeing,isyourchoice.”

“Ineedtothink,”Ireplyandburymynoseinhischest,breathinghimin.
“Yousmellgood,”hewhispers.
“Sodoyou.”
Ipulloutofhisarms.“Ineedtothinkthisallover.IneedtoknowthatifIcan’tpursuearelationship

withyou,Iwon’tcompletelyloseyou,Ben.”

“You’llneverloseme,Vanny.”
“Youmightlosemeifyoukeepcallingmethat.”
Hejustsmiles.“I’mnotgoinganywhere.Thisisn’tanultimatum.Ijusthavetobehonestwithyou.I

thinkyou’refinallyinastrongplace,andIwanttobeapartofthat.”

“Youalreadyhavebeen.”
Henods.“Ifithelps,yourbrothershavebeentryingtotalkmeintoaskingyououtforawhilenow.”
“SoIheardtoday,”Ireply.“That’sabitembarrassing.”
“Why?”
“Havingmybrothersbegaguytodatemeisn’texactlyagoodthing.”
Hesmirks.“Itwasn’tlikethatatall.Theywereencouraging.I’venevertoldthemeverythingthatI

toldyoutoday,buttheyknowme.TheyseehowIlookatyou.Theyjustwantusbothtobehappy.”

“Theyloveyou,”Isaysoftly.“Wealldo,Ben.”
“Iknow.”
“Thankyouforcomingheretoexplainthings.Ineededit.AndIneedsometimetothink.”
“Ifiguredyouwould.Youalwayswereathinker.”Heglancesdownatmylips,stillwetfromhiskiss.

“Youthinkaboutit,andletmeknowwhenyou’vemadeupyourmind.”

Inod,butIalreadyknowinmyheartwhatI’mgoingtodo.
Ijustcan’ttellhim.Notyet.Ineedtothink,andtalktoDaddy.
WhichIdon’tmentiontohimbecausethat’lljustmakemesoundcrazy.
“Haveagoodnight.”
Henodsandwalkstothedoor,lettinghimselfout.Ihearhisengineroartolifeandtheheadlights

makeshadowsinmylivingroomashedrivesaway.

Iimmediatelylowermyselfintoachair,unabletokeepmyshakingkneesundermeforanotherminute.
Benjustkissedthefuckoutofme.
Andhewantsme.
Andmyfamilyisonboardwiththis.
Holyshit.

ChapterFive

~Savannah~

HaveIbeenlyingtomyselfforyears?Imean,let’sputitalloutthereonthetable.Or,inthiscase,my

bambootraythatslidesovermybathtub.Sittinginanice,warmbathisusuallyjustthetickettocalmme
down.

Butnothingiscalmingmedowntonight.
BenleftfourhoursagoandthereisnochancethatI’llbesleepingtonightbecausemybrainwon’tshut

thehellup.WhatamIsupposedtodo?

IfoverthinkituntilI’msicktomystomachisthecorrectanswer,well,I’masuccess.
Ididsomeyoga.IbreatheddeeplyuntilIthoughtIwasgoingtohyperventilate.Itriedtakingawalk

butdidn’tgetfarbecauseI’mnotabigfanoftakingwalksafterdark.

Ortakingwalksingeneral.
Thebathwasmylast-ditcheffort,andit’snotgoingwellsofar.
Bensayshecan’tjustbefriendswithme.Thathe’shadfeelingsformesincewewerekids.Buthe

neversaidanything.Ever.AndIdefinitelyneverlethimknowthatIhadacrushonhim.

Thatwouldhavebeenhumiliating.
Yet,it’sstillhumiliatingbecauseaccordingtomyfamily,everyonehasknownbutme.
WhatthehellamIsupposedtodowiththis?
IwouldhavemarriedhiminaheartbeatwhenIwasincollege.Benhasalwaysbeenhandsome.
Okay,nothandsome.Hotasfuck.He’shotasfuck.Andonlygetshotterwithage,whichseemsunfair

somehow.

WhatwouldmylifehavebeenlikeifI’dmarriedBenratherthanLance?
Iimmediatelysquashthatthought.It’snotfairtomeorBen.Andashorribleasitwas,Ican’tregretit

becauseitshapedmeintowhoIamnow,andIreallylikeher.

Ifoughtlikehelltobehere.
BeingBen’shasalwaysbeenasecretfantasyofmine,butIdon’tknowwhattomakeofitactually

comingtrue.PartofmescreamsYES!DOIT!

Andtheotherpartsaysthishasdisasterwrittenalloverit.
Hehasn’tgivenmeanultimatum,he’sgivenmeachoice.IfIsayyes,andBenandIstarttodate,andI

falldeeplyinlovewithhim,itwillbecatastrophicifandwhenitallfallsapart.I’mnottryingtobea
cynic,Ijusthavetoberealisticbecauseit’snotjustthetwoofusatstake.ButifIsayno,thatIwanthim
tobackaway,andweonlyseeeachotheratfamilygatherings,wellthatsoundslikealevelofhellIdon’t
wanttoexperience.

Justthethoughthasmystomachrolling,mychestfluttering,andI’maboutamillisecondawayfrom

havinganhonesttoGodanxietyattack.

“Well,there’syouranswer,idiot.”Itakeadeepbreathandreachformyphone.IfI’mgoingtodothis,

I’mgoingtodoitnow.

BeforeIlosemynerve.Butit’stwointhemorning,andhe’sprobablyasleep.
Thetextissimple.Areyouawake?
Isetthephonedownandsighdeeply.Nogoingbacknow,thetextisoutthere.Andreally,lifeisso

damnshort.Whyshouldn’twebetogether,ifthat’swhatwewant?We’readults.Iftherelationship
doesn’tworkout,wecanstillbefriendsafter.

Probably.
Igetoutofthebath,thewaterslidingdownmynakedbodyandIrememberthewayBentouchedme

earlierintheday.Gently,likeI’msomethingimportant.Iwonderhowhewouldtouchmeinbed.

Holyshit,I’mgoingtohavesexwithBen.
Istareatmyselfinthemirrorandthengiggle,holdingthetowelovermymouth.Myeyestraveldown

mybody.I’mthin.NotasthinasIwasrightaftertheincident,butstillonthethinside.TheKravMaga
hasgivenmymusclesdefinition,andmyboobshavealwaysbeenadecentsize.

Onthedownside,IhavelittlebitofabellythatI’veneverbeenabletogetridof,nomatterhow

manydamnsitupsIdo.

Ishrugandfinishdryingoff.
WhocaresifIhaveabitoffatonmybelly?IfBenisamanworthbeingwith,hewon’tcare.
Andhewon’tsitinachair,eatingacupcake,whilehemakesmedodozensofsitups.
We’regoingtomakeyouthinyet,sweetie.Keepgoing.Ididn’tsayyoucouldstop.I’llkickyouin

thecuntifyoufuckingstopagain.

Ishakethememoryoff,stepintofreshclothes,andheadtothekitchen.IhaveleftoversconesthatI

boughtmyselftheotherday,andIdeliberatelyeatone,attwo-thirtyinthemorning.

Fuckyou,asshole.
Ifrowndownatmyphone.Hehasn’treplied.Granted,Isentthetexttwominutesago.He’sprobably

asleep,butnowthatI’vemadeupmymind,Iwanttotalktohimrightnow.

I’vediscoveredI’mnotaverypatientwomanthesedays.
Afterfivemoreminutesofhimstillnotresponding,Idecidetojustgotohishouse.Ican’timagine

thathe’dbemadatmeforwakinghimup,especiallynotwiththisnews.

Ican’twaittoseethesmileonhisface.
Igrabmykeysandbagandheadoutintothenight.It’sbeenraining,sothestreetsaredarkerthan

normal,despitethestreetlights.Ihateitwhenit’srainedlikethis.Itmakesithardertosee.

Thankfully,Benlivesclosetome,andIarriveinnotime.Ionlypassedacoupleofothervehicleson

myway.

IparkandclimbthestairstotheporchofhisoldhomeintheGardenDistrict.
There’snoanswerwhenIringthebell.
Iwaitandringitagaintwice,butthere’sstillnomovementinside.
“Jesus,doeshesleeplikethefuckingdead?”Iaskaloudandwalkdowntothesidewalktofrownup

atthewindowsonthesecondfloor.Idon’tknowwhichwindowishis,sinceIhaveneverbeeninvited
upstairsinhishouse,soIcan’tthrowpebblesuptowakehim.

Besides,withmyluck,Iwouldjustbreakthewindow,andwedon’twantthat.It’snotterribly

romantic.

Ishrugandreturntomycar.IguessI’llgohomeandwaitforhimtowakeup.Itwassillytojustshow

uphereanyway.AndthisgivesmetimetoreallythinkaboutwhatI’mgoingtosay.BecausealthoughI’ve
madeupmymindthatIwanttoseewherearomanticrelationshipbetweenuswillgo,Ialsoneedtomake
itcleartohimthatthemostimportantthingisthefamily.

Nothissexyarms,orthegentlewayhetouchesme,orthewaymyheartaboutfluttersoutofmychest

whenIseehim.

IturnthecornertomyhouseandfrownwhenIseehiscarinmydriveway.
“Whatthe—?”
Ipullin,cuttheengine,andsitforamoment,watchingBen.He’ssittingonthestairs,hisarmsbraced

onhisknees,andhe’swatchingmewiththosebrightblueeyes.

Igetoutofthecarandwalktowardhim.
“Whyareyououtdrivinginthemiddleofthenight?”heasks.
“Iwasatyourhouse,”Ireplyandhislipstwitch.“Butyouweren’thome.”
“Wehadthesameidea,”hesaysandstands,holdinghishandoutforminesohecanguidemeupthe

stairs.I’mperfectlycapableofwalkingupthestairsonmyown,butIwon’teverturndownthe
opportunitytoholdBen’shand.

Hehasbighands,butwhentheytouchme,they’rethemostwarmandgentlehandsI’veeverknown
“Whatwasthatthought?”heasks.
“Ilikeyourhands.”Ishrugandunlockmydoorandthenleadhiminside.
“Van—”hebegins,butIturnandwrapmyarmsaroundhim,hugginghimclose.“Hey.”
“I’mfine,”Imutterasheclosesthedoorbehindhimandloopshisstrongarmsaroundme,holdingme

close.“Ijustneededthis.”

“It’syours,”hewhispersandkissesthetopofmyhead.
“Didyougetmytext?”Iask.Hegripsmyshouldersandpushesmeback,afrownonhisface.
“No.”
“Oh.Ithoughtmaybethat’swhyyouwerehere.”
Heshakeshishead.“Ileftmyphoneathome.Ididn’thearitgooff.”
“Thenwhyareyouhere?”
Helickshislipsandslideshishandsdownmyarmstolinkhisfingerswithmine.“Icouldn’tsleep.I

couldn’tstopthinkingaboutyou.IknowthatIsaidearlierthatthisisyourchoice,anditis,butIcouldn’t
stayawaytonight.I’mterrifiedthatyou’lltellmeyoucan’tdothis,andifthat’swhatyouwant,I’ll
respectyourdecision.ButIneededjustonemorelookatyourbeautifulfacewhilethere’sstillhope.”

MyGod,howcouldIhaveeverconsideredsayingno?Hisfaceisashen.Hisvoiceisrawwith

vulnerability.

He’sstrippedhimselfbareforme,regardlessoftheconsequences,andIwantwithallofmyheartto

soothehim.

Isteptohimandcuphisfacewithmyhands.Hischeeksarecoveredwithstubble,andhisskinis

warm.

Hereachesuptobrushatearfrommycheek.Ihadn’tnoticedthatIwascrying.
“Whatdidyousayinyourtext?”hewhispers.
“Ijustaskedifyouwereawake.”
“Iam.”
Ismileandletmyhandsslidedowntohischest.
“Iwantedtoseeyou.”
HetipsmychinupsoI’mlookinghimintheface.
“Why?”
“Becauseit’sbadformtotellamaninatextthatyoudon’twanttobejustfriendswithhim.”
Heinhalessharplyandhishandstightenonmine.
“Goon.”
“I’vealwayshadacrushonyou,Ben.Oratleast,that’swhatitwaswhenIwasyoung.You’reasight

tobehold.”

Hesnorts,butIkeepgoing.
“Butmorethanthat,you’reso…good.You’regood,Ben.You’vealwayslookedoutforme,andmade

mefeelsafe.”

Hefrowns,butIkeepgoing,notlettinghimspeak.
“Whathappenedbeforeisn’tyourfault.Iknowyoubeatyourselfupaboutit,justlikemybrothersdo,

butitwasn’tanyofyouthatcausedit.Itwasn’tmyfaulteither.Itwasallhisfault,andhe’sbeing
punishedforit,Ben.I’mfree,andI’msafe.

“Youhavealwaysbeenasafehavenforme.SotosaythatIwanttobejustacquaintanceswithyou,

thatIcouldeverbecontentwiththat,isjustbullshit.I’vefeltaconnectionwithyouforaslongasIcan
remember,andtohearthatit’sreciprocatedisjust—”IshrugbecauseIsimplydon’thaveawordbig

enoughtoexplainit.

“Isthisalongwayoftellingmethatyouwantme?”Benasks,makingmelaugh.
“Yes.Yes,itis.”
“ThankChrist.”Hepullsmetohimagainandhugsmesotightly,Idon’tknowwhereIendandhe

begins.Finally,hekissesmesweetly,longingly,andallIcandoisholdontightlyasheexploresevery
inchofmymouth.Whenhepullsaway,we’rebothpanting,andIwouldstriphimnakedrightnow,but
that’snotwhatthismomentcallsfor.

AndI’mnotconvincedthatI’mreadyforthat,anyway.
“Let’ssit,”Bensaysandleadsmetothecouch.Icurlupnexttohim,leaningmyheadonhisshoulder.

Helinkshisfingerswithmineandkissesmyforehead.

“Ihavetosaysomethingelse,”Ibegin.“Ben,ifthisdoesn’tworkout,itcan’tchangeourfamily

dynamic.”

“Agreed.”
“It’stooimportant.”
“Iknow.”
“Mybrotherswouldbedevastatediftheylostyou.”
“Hey,Ijustagreedwithyou.”
Isigh.“Iknow.Ijust…it’simportanttome.”
“Tometoo,”herepliesandwrapshisarmsaroundme,tuggingmeintohislap.“Youlooksotired.”
“Idon’tsleepmuch,”Ireplywithayawn.Nowthatwe’vehadourchat,andhe’shere,allIwantto

doissleep.

“Driftoff,”hesays.“I’mrighthere.”
“Wecouldgoupstairs.”
“No,wecan’t.”Hekissesmytemple.“Idon’ttrustmyselfinabedwithyou.”
Iprymyeyesopen.“Thatwouldn’tbehorrible.”
“Itbetternotbehorrible,”hesayswithachuckle.“Butwe’renotthereyet.”
“Almost,”Isay.“I’vehadtokeepmyhandsoffofyouforaverylongtime.”
“Gotosleep,”hewhispersinmyear.He’splayingwithmyhair,andbetweenthat,hiswarmthunder

me,andhisstrongarmsaroundme,Ican’tresist.Iletsleepfalloverme.

***

“DoyouneedanythingbeforeIleave?”Becky,myassistant,asksattheendoftheworkday.
“No,IthinkI’mgoodtogo.Thankyou.”
“Don’tspendthenighthere,”shesaysandnarrowshereyesonme.“I’llknowifyoudo.”
“Ialwaysforgetwhothebossisinthisrelationship,”Ireplywithalaugh.
“It’smutual,”shesays.
“Icameinlatetoday.Ineedtostaylatetocatchup.”
ShenodsandbacksoutofthedoorwaywithawaveandIstretchmyneckbeforereturningtomy

computer.

Aboutanhourlater,there’sanoisejustoutsidemydoor.
“Hello?”Icalloutjustasamanwalksintomyoffice,ahugebouquetoftulipshidinghisface.
ButI’dknowBen’slegsanywhere.
“Delivery,”hesaysandthenlooksaroundthesideofthebrightpinkbloomsandflashesasmileatme.
“You’rethebestlookingflowerdeliverymanI’veeverseen.”
Hesmirksandsetstheflowersonmydesk.
“Thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome.Areyouaboutdonehere?”
“Almost,”Ireplywithasigh.“Someoneletmesleeplatethismorning.”

“Iwasn’teventhere,”hesays,holdinghishandsupinsurrender.
“Exactly.Andmyalarmwasn’tset,soIsleptuntilnine,andIdon’trememberthelasttimeIsleptthat

late.”

“Youneededit.”
“Iwaslatetowork.”
“Youownthebusiness,Van.Ihardlythinkanyoneisgoingtowriteyouupforbeinganhourlaterthan

normal.”

“Idon’tknow,Beckylookedlikeshe’dthoughtaboutit.”Ilaughandstand,stretchingmybackand

arms,thenleanovertosmelltheflowers.“Ilovetulips.”

“Iknow.”
“Youlookmightysmugrightnow,Mr.Preston.”
“I’mfeelingmightysmug,Ms.Boudreaux,”herepliesandwalksbehindmydesktokissthehelloutof

me.

Jesus,theman’slipsshouldcomewithawarninglabel.
Maycauselight-headednessandalossofcontrol.
“Ihaveplansforustonight,”hesays.
“Youdo?”
“Yes,ma’am.”
Itiltmyhead.“I’mworking.”
“It’safterworkhours.”
“ButI’mcatchingupfrommissinganhourthismorning.”
“It’stwohourspastworkinghours.You’vemadeupthetime.Unlessyoudon’twanttoseewhatI’ve

planned,andtrustmewhenIsay,youwanttoseeit.”

“Doesitinvolvefood?”
I’msuddenlystarving.
“Ohyeah.”
“I’min.”
HelaughsasIshutmycomputerdownandgathermythings.Hetakesmyhandbagfrommeandsmirks

whenIglanceupathiminsurprise.

“Idon’tmindcarryingmyownhandbag.”
“There’snoneedforyoutocarryit.”
“You’reeitherverychivalrous,oryou’reacontrolfreak.”
Hisfacechanges,andIimmediatelyregretmychoiceofwords.
“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.Atall.”
“Iknow.I’mnottryingtocontrolyou,I’mjustcarryingyourbag.Iplantodolotsofnicethingsfor

you,Savannah.Andthat’sallitis.”

“Thankyou.”Westepintotheelevatorandwhenthedoorsclose,Ikisshisbicep.“Really.Thank

you.”

“You’rewelcome.”
“Isthisourfirstofficialdate?”Iask,gettingexcitedalloveragain.
“Itis,”hesays.“I’vewaitedfifteenyearstotakeyououtonadate,soImighthavegonealittle

overboardwiththis.”

Iraiseabrowandsuddenlycan’twaittoseewhathehasuphissleeve.
“Youdoknowthatyou’reincrediblysweet,right?”
“Withyou,thatseemstobetrue.Butyoucan’ttellyourbrothersbecausetheythinkI’mbadass,andif

thisgetsout,I’llhavetokicktheirassesextrahardinthegym.”

Ilaughandfollowhimoutoftheelevatortowardhiscar.

“Thanksfortextingmethenameandnumberofyourtattooguy,”Isayoncewe’resettledinthecar.“Is

hisgivennamereallyBuck?”

“Idon’tknow;he’samanoffewwords,buthedoesagreatjobwithink.”
“That’sallthatmatters,Iguess.”
“Whatareyougoingtohavehimdo?”
Ibitemylip,notsureifIwanttosharethatyet.“You’llseeitwhenit’sdone.”
“Doyouhaveanappointment?”
“Yep,I’mgoinginonSaturdaymorning.”
Heglancesoveratmeinsurprise.
“What?”
“BuckusuallyclosesonSaturdays.”
“Hesaidhe’dfitmein.”Ishrug.“Imighthaveofferedtopaydouble.”
Benlaughsandnods.“Thatwoulddoit.”
Beforelong,heparksinfrontofacookingschool.
“Aretheyrunningaspecialtonight?”Iask.
“You’llsee.”
Heleadsmeinsideandtoakitchenwhereawomantastessomethingfromapot.She’sinawhite

jacketandatallwhitehat.

“Hello,”shesayswithakindsmile.“YoumustbeBen.”
Henods.“AndthisisSavannah.Van,thisisChefBaker.”
“Hello.”InodandsmileinsidewhenBentakesmyhandfirmlyinhis.
“Well,youaremyonlystudentsthisevening,”Chefsayswithasmile.“Welcome.”
“Students?”
“That’sright,”Bensays.“We’regoingtolearntocookamealtogether.”
Iblinkathimforamomentandlookaroundattheindustrialkitchen.It’sspotless,fullofstainless

steel,andingredientsarealreadywaitingforusonthecountertop.

“Great.Whatarewemaking?”
“BBQshrimp,grits,andbananasFoster,”Chefreplies.“Ihopeyou’rehungry.”
“I’msohungry.”
IglanceupatBen,who’sbeenwatchingmeintently.
Sohungry.Andnotjustforfood.

ChapterSix

~Ben~

I’monadatewithSavannah.Aseconddate,ifwewanttogettechnical.Ourfirstdatelastnightwas

morefunthanIanticipated.IknewthatVanalreadyknewhowtocook,butIdon’t,andIthoughtitwould
besomethingfuntodotogether.

Shesmiledallevening.
Andnow,themorningafter,I’vepickedherupandwe’reatherfavoritebreakfastspotbeforewe

eachgotowork.

“Thanksforgettingupextraearlytodothis,”shesaysasshestudieshermenu.
“IfIhavetochoosebetweenyouandsleep,youwineverytime,sugar.”
Shesmilessweetlyandreturnstohermenu.“Youdidwelllastnight.”
Isnort.“Ialmostkilledusbothwiththeknife.”
Shewrinkleshernoseandthenbustsuplaughing.“Youdidn’talmostkillus.ButIwasworriedthat

youmighttakeoffafingerforasecondthere.”

“Ithinkit’sbestifIstayoutofthekitchen.I’mnotsayingthatinasexistwayatall.”
She’schucklingbehindherhand.
“IthinkI’mdestinedtoeattakeoutfortherestofmylife,”Isay.
“I’llcook,”shesays,wavingmeoff.“NotbecauseI’mawoman,butbecauseIliketo.”
Thewaitressarrivestotakeourorder,andVanaccidentallycatchesthewaterglasswithhermenu,

pushingitforwardandspillingalloverthetableandmylap.

“OhmyGod,”shesays,hereyeswidewithfear.“Oh,I’msosorry.I’mso,sosorry.”
“It’sokay,”thewaitressandIsayatthesametime.
Van’sfingershavestartedtoshake.“Iamsostupid.I’msorry,Ben.”
“Hey,it’sanaccident.”
She’sshakingherhead,nothearingmeatall.Thewaitressquicklycleansupthewaterandicecubes

andpassesmeanextranapkintowipeupmostofthewateronmypants.

“Hardlyanyofitfellonme,”Isay.ButVanisshaking,ananxietyattackmomentsaway.Iturntothe

waitress.“Giveusaminute.”

“Certainly,”shesaysandmarchesaway.IreachovertotakeVan’shandfirmlyinmine.“Savannah.”
“Ididn’tmeantodothat.”
“Lookatmyface,baby.”
Hereyesfindmine.They’refulloftearsandfearandeverymuscleinmybodytightensinpurefury.
Thatfuckerputthisinher.
“Savannah,it’sokay.”Myvoiceiscalm,belyingthebloodrushingthroughme.I’dlovethechanceto

haveanothergoatthatasshole.“Doyouhearme?”

Shenods,watchingmewithwidehazeleyes.Herhandisclingingtominefordearlife.
“Listentomyvoice.”
“Ilikeyourvoice,”shewhispers.
“Ilikeyourvoicetoo.”Ismilegentlyandpullherhanduptomylips,kissinghergently.“Youdidn’t

doanyharm.It’scleanedup,anditbarelygotme.”

“I’msoembarrassed.”
“Takeadeepbreath.”
IkeephergazelockedonmineasItakeadeepbreath,lettingitoutslowly.Onthesecondone,she

joinsme.Thetremblinghasstopped.

“See?You’regreat.”
Shebitesherlipandsqueezeshereyesshutforamoment,andthenIwatchinwonderasshe

physicallymakesherselfcalmdown,mostlikelyusingwhatevertoolhertherapisthasgivenher.

Jesus,she’sstrong.
“I’vebeentoldIhavesomePTSD.”
“Thatmakessense,”Ireplyandtakemyownadvice,breathingindeeply.“Doesithappenoften?”
“Notanymore,”shesaysandtakesasipofthefreshwaterthewaitressdelivered.“Itusedtohappen

allthetime,butnowit’ssporadic.Ineverknowwhatmighttriggerit.”

“Ithinkthatatsomepoint,nottoday,butsometimesoon,weshouldtalkabouttheworstofit,soI

knowwhatmayormaynotupsetyou.”

“Youdon’thavetotreatmelikeI’mmadeofglass.”
“DidIjustsaythat?”Iask.
“No.”
“You’renotglass.You’refuckingbadass,Van.Butpartofmyjobasyourmanistoprotectyou,andif

youthinkIwon’tdowhateverIhavetotokeepthisfromhappeningagain,you’remistaken.”

Sheblowsoutonelastburstofairandpickshermenuup,signalingforthewaitress.
“Okay,CaptainAmerica.Youcanprotectme.”
“IthinkI’mbetterlookingthanCaptainAmerica.”
Shenarrowshereyesasifshe’sstudyingmeoverthetopofhermenu.“I’dsayit’sclose.”
Icockabrow,butthewaitressinterruptsus.
“Areyoureadytoorder?”
“Yes,”Savannahsays.Hervoiceisstrongagain,andshe’stheconfident,beautifulwomanI’vealways

known.“Iwantthesweetpotatopecanwaffleswithasideofbacon.”

“Andtodrink?”
“Coffeeisgreat.”
“Andyou,sir?”
“I’llhavethesame,butmakemineadoublesideofbacon.”
Shetakesourmenusandleaves,andmyhandimmediatelyfindsVan’sagain.
“Ihavetogotoagalatonight,”Vansayswithawince.“Igetshyatthesethings,butwe’recelebrating

thecompletionofthecontractwithSignetShipping.”

“Lance’scompany?”Iaskwithafrown.
“Well,it’shisfamily’scompany,andhe’snotapartofitanymore,butyes.We’renotrenewing,given

thecircumstances,butitwasasuccessfulcontract.ItbroughtBayouEnterprisesalotofmoneyand
exposureontheEastCoast.It’snotahugeparty,onlyacoupledozenpeoplewillbethere,butIhaveto
getdressedup.Willyoucomewithme?”

“DoIhavetogetdresseduptoo?”
“God,Ihopeso,”shesayswiththatsexysmilethatmakesmycockstandatattention.“Youlookhotin

atux.”

“Isthatright?”
Vanlooksmeupanddownandasmuggrinspreadsoverherface.“Ohyeah.Superhot.”
“Areyoureadytoletyourfamilyseeuslikethis?”
“I’magrownwoman,andI’mnotashamedofyou.They’regoingtoseeustogethersoonerorlater.

Whywait?”

“Hey,I’mtotallyonboardwiththat.Ijustwanttogoatyourpace.”
“I’mcomfortablehere,”shesays.“AndIamexcitedtoseeyoudressedup.”
“Likewise,”Ireply.“You’restunninginaformalgown.”
“Ievenboughtanewone,”shesays,winkingatme.“I’vedecidedit’stimetoshowoffthegirls.”

IchokeonmywaterasSavannahsmilessmugly.
“I’llnevercomplainaboutthat.”
“Good.”Shesaysandsitsbackasherfoodisplacedinfrontofher.“Youcanpickmeupatsix.”
“Shouldn’tItakeyoutodinnerfirst?”
“That’swhyyou’repickingmeupatsix,”shesaysandtakesabiteofherbacon.Jesus,she’s

gorgeous.Thebadmomentfromabitagoisover,andshe’snowinfull-onflirtmode.

Mydickisalreadysemi-hard,asifI’mseventeenandagirljusttoldmeherparentsaregoneforthe

weekend.

ButI’llhappilycontrolmyselfuntilshe’sready.Thisisamarathon,notasprint.
“Whatareyouthinking?”sheasks.
“Thatyou’resexyashell.”
Sheblinkstwiceandthenlaughs.“Justwaituntilyouseemynewdress.”
“You’dbegorgeousinaburlapsack.”
“Backatyou,”shemuttersandpourssyruponherwaffles.“DoesitbotheryoutoknowthatI’mjust

withyoubecauseyou’rearmcandy?”

Shebitesherlip,tryingtokeepastraightface.She’steasingme.
“Icanlivewithitifyoucan.”
“Oh,I’mlivingwithit,handsome.”
Shetakesanotherbiteofbaconandwinksatme.
I’minsomuchtrouble.

***

“You’restunning,”IwhisperintoVan’searforthethirdtimethisevening.Shewasn’tlyingwhenshe

saidthenewdressshowedoffhertits.Hercleavageisimpressive,butthedressisstillclassy.

Theshoes,sleekandblackandboostingherupatleastfiveinches,aresexyasfuck.Iwouldlovefor

hertowearthemandnothingelse,herlegswrappedaroundmyshoulders.

Andwe’llgetthere.
“Ithinkyoumightbebiased,”shesayswithagrin.She’sbeensippingonthesameglassofwinefor

thelasthour.Sheclearlydoesn’twanttogetdrunkinfrontofcolleagues,andthat’sjustonemorereason
torespecther.

“Notatall,”Ireply.She’sbeenholdingontomyhandallevening.Noneofthefamilyhave

commented,buttherehavebeensomeknowingsmilesthrownmyway.

“Van?”
Wetwirlatthesoundofaman’svoice,andIhavetophysicallyholdmyselfbackfromthrowinga

punch.

“Larry?”Vanfrowns.“Ididn’tknowyou’dbehere.”
“Ijustflewin,”hesayswithasmilewaytoomuchlikehistwinbrother’s.HeleansintokissVanon

thecheekandturnstome,holdinghishandoutforashake.“Ben,right?”

Vanelbowsme,andIshakehishand,butkeepeyecontactwithhim.
“Well,Iwishyou’dletmeknowyouwerecoming,”Vansays.“Iwouldhavemadetimeforlunchor

something.”

“Noneed,it’saquicktrip,”hereplieseasily.IknowthatVanhassaidafewtimesthatLarryisthe

oppositeofhisbrother.Butfrankly,Idon’tlikehim.

“I’msohappythatthecontractswentsowell,”Vansays.“Elitookoverthatprojectforme,andI

knowyouallworkedhardonit.”

“Wedid,anditworkedoutgreatforallofus,”hesayswithanod.“Iwon’tkeepyou.Haveagood

evening.”HetoucheshershoulderandthenwalksawayandVantakesinalong,deepbreath.

“Areyouokay?”

“Yeah.”Shenodsandtakesadrinkofherwine.“IknowthatLarryisharmless,butit’salwaysa

shockwhenIseehiminperson.HeandLancelooksomuchalike.”

“Iwantedtopunchhimjustonprincipal.”
Shelaughsandshakesherhead.“He’snotthebadguy.”
“Doyouhavealotofcontactwithhim?”
“No,notanymore.”Shereturnsawavetosomeoneacrosstheroom.“Hecheckedinquitealotinthe

beginning,butnowIonlyhearfromhimeverycoupleofmonthsorso.He’sagoodguy.”

IsimplynodandwelcomethedistractionofBeauasheapproachesus.
“Hello,”hesays,asmugsmileonhisface.
“Hi,”Vansaysandslipsherhandbackinmine.Beauwinksather,thenturnstome.
“It’sabouttime.”
“It’stherighttime,”Ireply.“Howlateisthisscheduledtogo?”
“Justaboutanotherhour,”Beaureplies.“Peoplearealreadytricklingout.”
“Iknowyoudon’tlovethesethings,”Vansays.“Thankyouforbringingme.Andforwearingthetux.

It’sseriouslyhot.”

Beaucocksabrow.“Idon’tthinkIneedtobeprivytothisconversation.”
“I’lltakeyouanywhere,”Ireply,ignoringBeaualtogether.“I’mgoodforanotherhour.”
Overthenextthirtyminutesorso,Savannahisinterruptedwithwordsofthanksfromtheguests.She

smiles,shakeshands,andistheperfectprofessional.Icanseethatshecertainlyhastherespectandtrust
ofhercolleagues.

She’spulledawayforaconversationwithagroupofpeople,andIsuddenlyhavetomakearunfor

therestroom.

Jesus,Ihaven’tbeenthisnauseatedsinceIwasakid.Ibarelymakeitthereintimetolosemydinner,

lunch,andprobablywhatIatelastweek,too.

“Fuck,”ImutterwhenIcancatchmybreath.Ifumbleforatoweltowipemymouthandthesweat

frommybrow.

Itdoesn’tlooklikeI’llmakeitanotherhalfhour.
Ispendanotherfewminutesprayingtotheporcelaingods,convincedthatI’mgoingtodie,andthengo

insearchofVan.

“OhmyGod,”Mallory,Beau’swife,says.“Ben?Areyouokay?”
“Notfeelinggreat,”Ireplyandscantheroom,findingVanbythedoor.“Ineedtogetoutofhere.”
“We’reonit.Beau!”ShewavesBeaudownandthetwoofthemworktogetVanandmeoutofhere.

Beaucallsdowntohavethevaletreadywithmycar.

“You’regoingtohavetodrive,”IsaytoVan,whoonlycontinuestofrownandwatchmecarefully.
“OfcourseI’mdriving,”shesays.“Canyoumakeitdowntothecar?”
Istarttonod,andthenhavetomakearunforthebathroom.Idon’tevengiveashitthatit’sthe

women’sbathroom.Theonlythingthatmattersisthatit’stheclosestone.

“ShouldIcallanambulance?”Beauasksbehindme.
“No.”
“Thefluisgoingaround,”hesaysandIshakemyhead.“JustgetmehomewhereIcandieinpeace.”
“Youcan’tdothat.”That’sVan’svoicenow.“Wefinallygottothegoodstuff,soyoucan’tdieyet.”
“That’salotofpressure,”Iwhisper.
“ShouldIridewithyoutwo?”Beauasks.
“Maybe,”Vansays,uncertaintyheavyinhervoice.“Ifheneedshelpuptohisbedroom,Iwon’tbe

abletoassistmuch.”

“Goodpoint.”
“No,”Isayinbetweenheaves.“Wecandothis.”

Iholdmyhandoutandsomeoneputsacold,wetclothinit.Iwashmyfaceagainandstandup.“Let’s

go.”

“I’mhelpingyououttothecar,andifIthinkyouneedit,I’llgohomewithyoutoo.”
“Idon’tcare,”Ireplyhonestly.IfeellikeI’mdying.Thatmyinsidesarecrampedsotightly,mybody

istryingtoshoveeverythingoutofmymouth.

And,it’ssucceeding.
Fucker.
“Haveyoubeenaroundanyonewhohadtheflu?”Vanasks.She’srubbingcirclesonmyback,andit

bouncesbackandforthbetweenfeelinglikeheavenandthemostannoyingthingever.

“Iworkwithhundredsofstrangerseveryweek,”Iremindher.“Probably.”
“I’msosorry,”shesaysastheelevatordoorsopenandthevalethasindeedpulledmycartothecurb.

VanandBeauhelpmeintothepassengerseat.

“Here!Takethis,”Mallorysays,handingmeanemptyicebucket.Ididn’tevenknowshewaswithus.
“Areyousureyou’reokay?”Beauasks.
“We’llbefine,”Ireply.“Icanwalkupthestairstothebedroom.AndifIcan’t,Ihaveaguestsuite

downstairsthatwilldofine.”

HenodsandlooksatVan,who’sjustclimbedinthedriver’ssideandisadjustingtheseat.“Callmeif

youneedme.”

“Iwill,”shepromisesandstartsthecar.
“Itfeelsweirdtohavesomeoneelsedrivemycar.”
Shereachesoverandpatsmyleg.“I’msosorrythisishappening.Youlookmiserable.”
“Ifeelmiserable.”Icanfeelmystomachmusclesbegintocontract,soIpushthebuttontorollthe

windowdown.Thecoolairfeelsgoodonmyface.“Ifeeldrunk.”

“Andyoudidn’tevengettohavethefunparttogetthere,”shesays.Hervoiceisthroatyandsmooth,

anditsoothestheroughedgesofthishell.

Itfeelslikeit’stakingforever,andthecoolairisn’tdoingthetrickanymore.
“Pullover.”
“We’re—”
“Pullthefuckover.”
Shecomplies,andsheisn’tevenatafullstopwhenIopenthedoorandpracticallyrolloutofthecar

tothecurbandhurlsomemore.

Jesus,howdoIstillhaveanythinginme?
Suddenly,Vanisbehindme,pullingthetuxjacketoff.Thatfeelsmuchbetter.I’mhotandhavingthe

chills,allatthesametime.

Finally,IdumpmyselfbackinthecarandVandrivesustomyplace.I’llfeellikeanasstomorrow,

butIcan’twaitforher.IhavetohurryorIwon’tmakeit.

Irunupthestairstomybedroom,strippingoutofmyclothesalongtheway,andheadrightforthe

masterbathroom.

“I’mbehindyou!”shecallsout.Ican’treply,Icanonlykneelonthecoldtile,inmyunderwear,and

heaveintothetoilet.

WhatthefuckdoIhave?
Finally,Ijustcollapseonthefloor,shivering,butlovingthewaythecoldfloorfeelsagainstmyhot

skin.Itfeelstootight,toohot.

I’msweatinglikecrazy.
“Intheshower,”Vaninstructsandhelpsmeintothestandingshower.I’mupright,leaningonboth

handsagainstthetile.SheturnsonthewaterandIdon’tevenflinchattheburstofcoldwater.

“Toohot,”Isaywhenitstartstowarmup.

“Idon’twanttogiveyouhypothermia.”
“Please,it’stoohot.”
Shecomplies,turningittothecoldestsetting,andIcanfinallyfeelmystomachandorgansbeginto

relax.Ithinktheworstofthethrowingupisfinallyover.

“Worsthourofmylife,”Imutter.
“It’sonlybeenthirtyminutes,”sheinformsme.“Ifyou’renotfeelinganybetter,I’mcallingan

ambulance.”

“Iam,”Isayandreachblindlytoholdherhand,givingitasqueeze.“You’reanangel.”
“Iwouldn’tgothatfar.”
Iglanceoveratherandfrown.She’ssoppingwetinhersexynewdress.Herfeetarebare.
“Iruinedyourdress.”
“It’sjustadress,”shesayssoothingly.
“Howaretheshoes?”
“They’refine.Itookthemoffwhenyoumademepullover.”
“Good.Ilikethem.”
Shekissesmybicep.“I’mnotleavingyoutonight.”
“Good.Idon’twantyouto.You’resafefrommysexualadvancestonight.”
Shesmirks.“Idon’tthinkI’meverindangerwithyou.”
“I’mtooweaktoargue.”
“Youstandhere.I’mgoingtogopullyourcoversbackandgetyousomethingcoldtodrink.Oh,and

freshclothes.”

“I’llsleepnaked,”Ireply.“I’msofuckinghot.”
“Thewaterisicecold.”
“Mustbeonehellofatemperature.”
“Ineedathermometer,”shemutters.
“Ihaveoneinthemedicinecabinet.”
“Great.Waithereforme,andI’llhelpyoutobed.”
Sheleaves,andabouttensecondslater,Iturnoffthewateranddryoff,peelingoutofmywet

underwear.

I’mnotgoingtomakeherhelpmetothebed.I’mnotafuckinginvalid.
Igrabafreshpairofunderwear,decidingnottogivehertheshockofherlifetonight,andclimbunder

thecovers.

“So,you’renotgreatattakingdirection,”shesaysasshecomesintotheroom.
“Nope.”
“Sonoted,”shesaysandsticksthethermometerinmyear.“Jesus,Ben.”
That’swhatIwanthertosaywhenI’minsideher.
“Youhaveafever.”
“ThatIknew,sugar.”
Shegrinsdownatme,andIsweartoGod,she’safuckingangel.AnangelthatIdon’tdeserve,butI’m

sodamngratefulfor.

“Butit’snotgoingtokillyou.”
“Feelslikeit.”
“Iknow.”ShekissesmyforeheadandthenplacesacoldtoweloveritandIwanttojustaskherto

marryme.“Gotosleep,Ben.I’llbeherewhenyouwakeup.”

IwantyoutobehereeverytimeIwakeup.

ChapterSeven

~Savannah~

DidIdotherightthing?
He’srestlessinhissleep,andhewon’tstopsweating.IGoogledhissymptoms,andthataboutgave

metheanxietyattackofthecentury.

Basically,hecouldhavethefluorhecouldbedyingfromorganfailure.
Oraboutamillionotherthings.
Themostlogicalistheflu.
Myphonevibratesnexttome,makingmejumpafootintheair.
“Hi,Eli.”
“How’sBen?”
“Ithinkhe’sdoingbetter,”Ireply,myeyesneverleavingthemaninquestion.“He’snotthrowingup

anymore.Buthe’ssweatyandhelookssuperuncomfortablewhilehe’ssleeping.”

“You’restayingwithhim?”Icanheartheunspokenquestioninhisvoice.
“Yes,andno,I’mnotinthebedwithhim,butifIwas,thatwouldbeourbusiness.”
“Geez,Ididn’tevensayanything.”
“You’remybrother;youwerethinkingit.”
“Honestly,Van,Iwasn’tthinkingthatatall.Iwasthinking,it’saboutdamntimemysisterstartstodo

whatmakesherhappy.Youlookedhappytonight.Trulyhappyforthefirsttimesinceyouwereakid.”

Ibitemylip,relievedthathecan’tseethetearsfillmyeyes.
“I’mhappy.”
“AndBenlookslikehe’sthehappiestmanintheworld.Heactuallysmiledtonight,andthatman

neversmiles.That’sallanyofuseverwantedforyou,Van.Forbothofyou.And,weknowandtrust
Ben.”

“Iknowyoudo.”
“Sononeofuswillflipyouanyshitforthis.It’sbeenalongtimecoming.”
“Thankyou.”
“You’rewelcome.Now,doesthepinheadneedahospital?”
Igrinatthetermofendearment,whichisexactlywhatthatwasinguy-speak.
“Idon’tthinkso.He’ssettlingdown.Butifhegetsworseagain,I’llcallanambulanceandletyou

know.”

“Youdothat.”HesighsandIcanhearthebabycooinginthebackground.“Behappy,Sis.”
“Youtoo.”
Ihangupandletthetearscome.Thesearen’tsadorscaredtears.They’rerelievedandgratefultears.
Myfamilyisthebestthereis.
IwipemyfaceandwalkovertoBen.It’stimetocheckhisfeveragain,andIdon’twanttowakehim.

Igentlypushthethermometerinhisearandclickthebutton.

It’scomingdown,thankGod.
“Vanny,”hewhispersandcatchesmyhandinhis.Hehasn’topenedhiseyes.
“Yes,sweetheart.”
“Oh,that’snice.”
“Thecoolragonyourneck?”
“No,youcallingmesweetheart.”
Isitontheedgeofthebednexttohimandleanovertokisshisforehead.He’snotsweatinganymore.

“Areyoustillshivering?”
“No.Better.”
“Good,”Iwhisper.“Youscaredmethereforaminute.”
“Scaredmetoo.”
Ipushhishairbackwithmyfingers.Thelightbrownstrandsaren’toverlylong,buttheyaresoft,and

theyfeelgoodagainstmyskin,soIkeepbrushingitback.

Honestly,itjustfeelsamazingtobeabletotouchhimwheneverIwantto.
“Van?”hesays.
“Yes,sweetheart.”
Hislipsturnupatthesides,andImakeanotetocallhimsweetheartregularly.
“Idon’twanttogetyousick,butI’msogladyou’rehere.”
“Iwon’tgetsick,”Ipromisehimandkisshisroughcheek.“Don’tyouknow?Ifyou’retendingtothe

sick,youdon’tgetsickyourself.”

“That’sbullshit.”
Igrin.“Well,yeah,butthat’swhatI’mtellingmyself.”
“Willyoupleasesleepnexttome?”
Inod,butrealizehecan’tseeme.
“Ofcourse.”
Iwalkaroundtotheothersideofthebed.I’mwearingaT-shirtandboxershortsofBen’sthatIfound

tochangeoutofmysoppingdress.Iclimbinnexttohimandspoonupbehindhim,kissinghisshoulder.
I’mnotgoingtocrowdhimallnight,butitfeelsamazingtosnuggleupnexttohim.

“Goodnight,Ben.”
“Goodnight,love.”
Ohboy.
Couldthisbehappeningtoofast?I’msurethatsomewouldsayyes,butfrankly,Ifeellikeit’salways

beenhere,andIhadblinderson.

Or,Iwasmarriedtosomeoneelseforalongtime,andthentoobrokentoevenwanttofeelanything

foramanagain.

Butthewoundsarehealed,andBenhadalottodowiththatrecovery.
I’veknownhimmostofmylife.
So,no,Idon’tthinkI’mrushingthingstoadmittomyselfthatI’minlovewithhim.AmIreadytosay

thattohimyet?No.I’mnot.

ButI’mnevergoingtolietomyselfagain.
IloveBen.

***

Ihatethisgoddamndream.ThisiswhyIdon’tsleepwell.Ever.
I’mwalkingalongtheshoreoftheriver,lettingtallgrassbrushovermyhands.It’ssunny,butnot

toohot.It’saniceday.

Butsuddenly,theskyisfilledwithdarkclouds,movingferociouslyandtossinglightningbackand

forth.Ineedtogetawayfromtheriver,tosomewheresafe.SoIrunaway,justasitstartstorain.

Iknowwhathappensnext,andmyheartisbeatingsohard,I’mconvincedit’sgoingtocomeright

outofmychest.

Don’tgoforthatcabin.Horriblethingsareinthere.Don’tdoit.
Butjustlikealways,Iruninsidethecabin,tryingtoescapethestorm.
Ishutthedoorandlookabout,andthere,nexttoaroaringfire,isLance.
Hisfacesplitsintoasmile.Anevil,spitefulsmile.
“Thereyouare.Ididn’tgiveyoupermissiontogooutforawalk.”

“Ididn’tgofar,”Ireplyandimmediatelyputmyheaddown.Lanceprefersformenottolookhim

intheeyes.

“Itdoesn’tmatterhowfaryouwent;youdidn’taskforpermission.”
“I’msorry.”
“Youknowwhattodo.”
Iclenchmyeyesclosedandliftmyshirt,turningmybacktohim.Ihearthecrackofthewhip,but

itdoesn’thitme.

“Wheredidyougo?”heyellsandIturnaround,hopebloominginmychest.“Savannah?”
Hecan’tseeme.Idropmyshirtandmovecarefully,incaseitchanges,butitdoesn’t.Hecan’tsee

me.He’syellingforme,hiseyescrazythewaytheygetrightbeforehebeatsmeextrabad.

SoIturnandrunoutofthecabinandbackintothestorm.Idon’tknowwheretogo.Hebroughtme

here,andIdon’tknowhowtogetbackhome.

Thewindisfrantic,sendingmylonghairinafrenzy,coveringmyface.Ican’tgetitoutofmyeyes.
Oh,God,Ican’tsee!
“Savannah!”
He’scomeoutside,andhe’srunningafterme.Whycanheseemeagain?Whyisthedreamgoing

likethis?

“Stopit.”
It’smydaddy’svoice.
“Savannah,youstopthisrightnow.”
Iopenmyeyesandsitupandthereheis,mydaddy,sittinginthechairbythewindow.
“Daddy?”
“Hi,pumpkin.”Ismile,despitethebreathheavinginandoutofme.Benisstillsoundasleep.
“What’shappening?”
“You’rehavingthatdamndreamagain,andIwon’thaveit.”Heleansforward,hiselbowsonhis

knees.“Savannah,thedreamisyourowndoing.”

“It’sjustadream.Idon’thavecontrolovermydreams.”
“Youarestilllettinghimmesswithyou,andthisiswhereitstops,babygirl.”
Humiliatingtearsfillmyeyes.“Youcanseeallofthat?Doyouknowwhathedid?”
“Yes,”hereplies.“Iwishyou’dcometomewhenIwasstillheretohelpyou.”
“Hethreatenedtokillallofyou.Todestroythecompany.”
“He’sasmarmylittlesonofabitchwhocouldn’thavedoneanyofthosethings.”
“Iknowthatnow,butIwasafraidthathewastellingmethetruth,andIcouldn’tbearthethought

ofhimhurtinganyofyou.”

“Soyouboretheburdenyourself.That’snotwhatwedointhisfamily,Savannah.”
InodandDadholdshishandouttome.IrushoutofthebedandclimbintohislapthewayIdid

whenIwassmallandafraid.

“Imissyou,Daddy.”
“Iknow,”hesays.God,hesmellsthesame.Hisarmsfeelthesame.It’slikehe’sreallyhere,and

it’snotjustadream.“Imissyoutoo.AndI’msoproudofyou,babygirl.You’vedoneanamazingjob
ofhealingandmovingon.”

“ThenwhydoIstillhavethathorribledream?”
“Becausethepastisalwayswithus,evenwhenwethinkwe’vemovedon.There’ssomething,even

ifit’sinyoursubconscious,that’sstillafraidofhim.”

“Idon’tknowwhatitis.”
“Youdon’thaveto.Butyoudoneedtosleeppeacefully,daughter.You’vesureearnedit.”
Ileanmyheadonhisshoulderandtakeadeepbreath,feelingsleepyagain.

“Iusedtolovetosleeponyou,justlikethis.”
“Yes,youdid.”
“CanInow?”
“You’rehere,aren’tyou?”
Ismileandcuphischeekinmyhand,thewayIusedto.And,likeIdidwhenIwasyoung,Ifall

asleepinmydaddy’sarms.

***

“Didyoueverlookintogettingacaregiverforyourmama?”IaskBenthreedayslater.We’reinhis

car,drivingtowardthebayou.

“Yes,andalreadyfoundsomeone,”hesays.Herecoveredquicklyfromthebughehadtheothernight.

Hesaysthatheusuallyrecoversquicklyfromillnesses,thankstohislightningfastmetabolism.

IwishIhadalightningfastmetabolism.
“Thatwasquick.”
“ImentionedittoBecky—”
“Myassistant?”
“Yeah,ImentionedittoheraboutaweekagowhenIcalledforyouandsheaskedhowMomwas

beforepatchingmethroughtoyou.Sheknewsomeoneatanagency,andputmeintouch.Ifoundanice
ladynamedSallywho’sabouttenyearsyoungerthanMom,ingreatshape,andshecomesduringtheday
frombreakfastuntilafterdinner.She’sgreat,andMomevenlikesher.”

“Yourmomlikeseveryone.”Igrinathisprofile,enjoyingthewaythesunshinesetsoffthestubbleon

hisface.He’sjustsoridiculouslyhandsome.

“Yeah,shedoes.Ifeelbetterknowingsomeone’swithher.”
“I’dliketomeetSally,”Isayandstareoutthewindow.“Youknow,checkheroutformyself.Ilove

MissMillie.”

“We’llstopbytheretomorrow,”hesaysandtakesmyhand,liftingittohismouthtogiveitakiss.
Mystomachflipsovereverytimehedoesthat,andithappensquiteoften,muchtomydelight.
“Sowhyarewegoingouttotheinn?”
“IpromisedRhysI’dhelphimwithsomethings.”
Ifrownathim.“Rhysusuallyhiresoutalotofthemanualstuff.Notbecausehecan’tdoit,buthe’d

rathermakesuresomeonelicenseddoeseverythingincasetheyeverhavetofileaclaimwiththe
insurancecompany.”

“Idon’tknow,”hesayswithashrug.“Hejustaskedmetocomehelp,andIsaidyes.”
“Interesting.Okay,wellIhaven’tseenthekidsinawhile.I’llgivethemasnuggle.Sam’sgettingto

thatagewhereheavoidsit,butIusuallyguilthimintogivingmeahug.”

“Thekidsloveyou,”Bensayswithagrin.“Allofthekidsdo.You’regoodwiththem.”
“Well,yeah,becauseI’mthecoolaunt.”Igrinandlookdownasmyphonepingswithatextfrom

Gabby.

Thekidshavetheflu.ProbablythesameoneBenhad.They’requarantinedupstairs.Sorry!
“Well,shit.”
“What’swrong?”
“Gabbyjusttexted.Thekidshavethefluandarenotallowedinthecommonareas.Shecan’trisk

spreadingtheillnesstoguests.”Iblowoutagustybreath.“NosnugglesforAuntVan.”

“I’llsnuggleyou,”hesaysandwiggleshiseyebrows.
“I’velearnedalotaboutyouoverthepastweek,”Iinformhimjustaswepullintothedrivewayofthe

inn.

“Yeah?Whathaveyoulearned?”
“I’lltellyoulater.”Imovetoopenmydoor,buthestopsme.

“I’llopenyourdoor,Angel.”
He’scalledmethatsincethenighthewassick.Idon’tknowwhyheusesthatspecificendearment,but

IadmitIlikeit.It’sbetterthanbabyorhoney.

I’mgrinningwhenheopensmydoor.
“What?”hesaysandhelpsmetomyfeet,pullingmeintohisarmsforaquickkiss.
“WhydoyoucallmeAngel?”
“I’lltellyoulater,”hesays,echoingmyownwords.Heshutsthecardoor,andslapsmyass,lightly,

butenoughtoturnmeonandlookathiminsurprise.

“Well,hello.”
“Isthatgoodorbad?”
“That’sgood,handsome.”
“Hey!”Gabbycallsfromthefrontdooroftheinn.Shewavesandreachesinsideforsomething,then

walksoutwithapicnicbasketalmostasbigassheis.

“Areyougoingsomewhere?”IaskasIclimbthesteps.Shepullsmeinforaquickhug.
“Nope.Weare,”Bensays,relievingherofthebasket.Hisarmflexesasheliftsit,andIimmediately

wanttolickhimthere.

Myhormonesareoutofcontrolwithhim.Yet,I’mconflicted.Iwanttostriphimnaked,andI’m

nervous,allatthesametime.

Iwouldguessthat’snormal.
Ihope.
“IthoughtyouwerehelpingRhys.”
“Sugar,”Gabbysays,pattingmyshoulder,“Rhysdoesn’tneedanyhelp.Yourmanhasasurprisefor

you.Smileandnod.”

IdoasshesaysandstareupatBen.“Okay.”
“Okay.”HekissesGabby’scheekjustthewayhealwaysdoeswhenheseesmysisters.“Thanks,Gab.

We’llseeyouinawhile.”

“Norush.Havefun!”
Andwiththat,shewalksaway,herhipsswayinginthewaytheydowhenshe’sproudofherself,and

shedisappearsinside.

“Okay,where—”
Hepresseshisfingertomylips,sendingelectricitydownmyspine.
“Nomorequestions.Justtakemyhandandwalkwithme.”
Withoutaword,Ilinkmyhandwithhis,andheleadsmedownthestepsandontothepaththatwinds

aroundthebighouseandbacktowardtherosegardensandtheoldslavequartersthatGabbyrenovatedso
theyweresafe,andondisplayforherguests.

“It’saprettyday.”Itakeadeepbreath,lovingthesmellofnewflowers.“Springismyfavoritetime

ofyear.”

“Howmanysummersdidwespendouthere?”Benasksasheleadsmeoffofthepathandtowardmy

favoriteoaktree.

Iwonderifheknowsit’smyfavoritetree,orifit’scoincidence?
“Well,Ispentallofmysummershere,”Ireplywithagrin.“AndforaslongasIcanremember,you

wereheretoo.”

“Atfirst,mymamawouldbringmeoutontheweekendstoplaywiththeboys,butfinallyyourmama

talkedherintolettingmejustcomeoutheretolivewithyouguysforthesummer.”

“Butyourmamastillcameontheweekends.”
“Well,shemissedallofus.Idon’tknowwhyshedidn’tjustcomeaswell.Iknowshewasinvited.”
“Maybeshehadhot,torridaffairswhileyouwereoffplayingthesummerawayinthebayou.”Iglance

uptofindhimfrowningdownatme.“What?”

“She’smymother.”
Ilaughandrubhisarm.“She’sawoman,Ben.Youcan’ttellmeshe’sneverhadamaninherlife.”
Hestopsandstaresdownatmeforamoment.
“You’veneverconsideredthis?”
“No.”
“She’sabeautiful,lovelyperson.Ofcoursetheremusthavebeenmeninterestedinher.”
“Sheneversaid,”hesaysandshakeshishead.“Great,nowI’mgoingtohavetohavethis

conversationwithher.”

“Why?”Ican’tstoplaughingnow.
“Becauseit’sgoingtobugme,andI’lleventuallyblurtitoutanyway.”
Weturnacornerandthereitis,myfavoritetree.It’satleastfourhundredyearsold,withbranchesso

bigandheavythattheyrestontheground.

Andunderitisaportableswingwitharedblanketspreadinfrontofit.
“Oh,my.”
Hesmilesdownatmeandleadsmetotheswing.Isitandkickmyflipflopsoff,andBensetsthe

basketinthemiddleoftheblanketandjoinsmeontheswing.

“Thisislovely.”
“It’sagooddayforit,”hesaysandrestshisarmonthebackoftheswing,behindmyshoulders.His

fingertipsbrushthebareskinonmyshoulder.Iscootclosertohimandrestmyheadonhisshoulder.

“Wespentcountlesssummersouthere,”hesaysquietly,asifspeakingtooloudwilldisruptthe

perfectspringday.

“Wedid.”
“Andasateenager,Iwouldseeyousittingouthere,underthistree,withabook.Yourkneespulledup

toyourchest,andyourbarefeetdirtyascanbe.Youtookmybreathawayeventhen.”

Iglanceupathiminsurprise.
“Ican’ttellyouhowoftenI’dwatchyou—notinacreepyway,Imightadd—I’dwatchyoureading

andenjoyingthistree,andIwantedsobadlytositwithyouandkissyousenseless.”

“Ididn’tknowthat.”
“Ofcourseyoudidn’t,”hesayswithagentlesmile.“Butnowyoudo.”
Henudgesmychinupwithhisfingersandlowershislipstomine,coveringthemsoftly.Icuphisface

inmyhandandletmyselfsimplysoakinthismoment,inmyfavoriteplace,withthisman.

Heslowlytakesthekissfromsweettohot,andtomydelight,dragshishandfrommyhiptomybreast,

histhumbdancingovermyalreadytightnipple.

GoodGod,he’slikeadrugthatI’llnevergettiredof.
Afterwhatseemslikeanhour,hepullsbackandrestshisforeheadagainstmine.
“Ihavebeenwaitingforthatforaverylongtime,”hewhispers.
“Ithinkthiswasprobablywaybetterthananythingyoumighthavedoneasateenager.”
Hechuckles.“True.So,it’sawin-win.”
Iletmyfingertipsglidedownhischeekstohisneck.
“Savannah.”
“Yes?”
“Iwantyou,”hesaysandcloseshiseyestightly.“Idon’tsaythattorushyouintoanything,andthis

isn’tthetimeorplaceanyway,butIneedyoutoknowthatIwantyou.”

Icoverhislipswithmine,watchinghiseyes.“Iwantyoutoo,Ben.”
Heinhalesandkissesmeagain,movingstraightintohotasfuck.
Finally,hepullsback,clearshisthroat,andsmilesatme.

“Areyouhungry?”
Ilaughandpushmyhairoffmyface.“Sohungry.”
“IthinkGabbymadefriedchicken.”
“Thatsoundsgoodtoo.”
Heglancesatmeinsurpriseandthenbeginstolaughinearnest.Youcouldcutthesexualchemistry

withaknife.

But,he’saperfectgentlemanasheopensthebasketandwedigin.
Thefood,andthecompany,aredelicious.

ChapterEight

~Van~

“So,quiteabithashappenedsinceIlastsawyou.”
Mytherapist,Violet,issittingacrossfrommeinheroffice.WhenIfirststartedcominghere,Ithought

she’dmakemeliedownandspillmygutsaboutmywholelife,startingwithmychildhood,butaccording
toher,that’sjustformoviesandTVshows.

I’msittinginadeep,softloveseat,andshe’sacrossfrommeonamatchingover-sizedchair.Violetis

alsoafriendofthefamily.Idon’tthinkIcouldhavetoldacompletestrangeraboutallofthehorrible
thingsthathappenedwhenIwasmarried.

“Awesome.Spillit.”Shegrins.Violetisaboutfifty,withstark-greyhairthatshealwayskeepsina

braid.Sheneverwearsmakeup,andshe’sthinasarail.She’salsokindandsoftspoken,butshecanget
toughwhensheneedsto.

“I’mofficiallydatingBen.”
Hereyeswidenandshemakesanoteonherlegalpad.
“I’msurprisedyouhadn’theardalready.”
“I’vebeenonvacationwithLucyintheBahamas,andweturnedourphonesoff.”
“Didyoutwofinallytakeahoneymoon?”
Shesmileslikeayounggirl,herfaceradiatinghappiness.
“Wedid.”
“That’sawesome.Congratulationsagain,Violet.”
“Thankyou.”Sheclearsherthroatandshiftsinthechair.“Butlet’sgetbacktoyou.Tellmemore

aboutBen.Howdidthiscomeabout?”

Iexplainaboutthedayatthehospital,andhowhefinallysharedhowhefeels,andgavemethe

choice.Itellhereverything,leadinguptoouramazingdayundermyfavoritetreeyesterday.

“Oh,Van,thisiswonderful.I’mjustecstaticforyou.”
“Thankyou.”
“Haveyoubeenintimate?”
Ibitemylipandshakemyheadno.“We’vedonesomefunmakingout,butno.Hehasn’tpushedme,

andIhaven’tinitiatedit,mostlybecauseIdon’tknowhow.”

“WhenyouthinkabouthavingsexwithBen,howdoyoufeel?”
“Scared,”IwhisperandlookatVioletwithtearsinmyeyes.“WhyamIsoafraidofthis?”
“Whydoyouthinkyou’reafraid?”
“Oh,that’sright,I’mtalkingtomyshrink.Shedoesn’tanswerquestions;sheasksthem.”
Violetsmirksandwaitspatientlyformetoanswer.
“Well,let’sbehonest.Lancedidn’tmakesexniceorevencomfortableforme.Heusedsexto

terrorizeme.”

Thesmilefallsfromherfaceandshescribblesonherpad.
“WhataboutmenbeforeLance?”
“I’donlybeenwithtwoguysbeforehim,”Ireplyandtracethepatterninthecouchwithmyfingertip.

“Andtheywerenice,butIwasyoung.”

“Butthoseweregoodexperiences?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”Sheshiftsinthechairagainandsetsherpadonthetablebeforeher.Icanseethatshewrote

terrorizedandcircledittwice.“Idon’tknowifyou’veevergoneintodetailwithmeaboutwhatsexwas

likewithLance.”

Ishakemyheadandlookherintheeyes.“No.”
“Wouldyoupleasesharethatwithmenow?”
Iswallowhard,thentakethecapoffthewatershesetoutformeandtakealongdrink.I’mjust

procrastinating,butIdon’tcare.

MaybethehourwillrunoutbeforeIhavetoanswer.
Iglanceatmywatch.Nosuchluck.
“Intheverybeginning,likerightafterwemetandbegandating,thesexwasgood.I’dsaynormalfor

lackofabetterword.”

“Iunderstand,”shesayswithanod,urgingmetocontinue.
“Astimeprogressed,especiallyafterwemarried,itgotrougher.Andnotinaoh,thisisfunandnew

kindofway.Irealizedthathelikedtohitmeduringsex.”

“Hard?”
“Sometimes.Heneverhitmeinthefacehardenoughtogivemebruises.Buthewouldslapmyface,

ormyboobs,ormyass.Thefunnythingis,Benslappedmybuttyesterday,playfully,andIlikedit.”

Shesmilesnow.
“That’sgood.Itmeansyoutrusthim,andyouknowhewon’thurtyou.”
“Benwouldn’thurtme.”
“No,ma’am.Never.”
Iclearmythroat,surprisedtofeeltearsthreaten.I’venevercriedduringtherapybefore.
“So,”Icontinue,tryingtodistancemyself,soit’slikeI’mjustretellingastorythatsomeoneelsetold

tome.“Hegraduallyaddedthingslikefloggersorawhip.He’donlyusethewhipwhenI’dmisbehaved.”

Shedoesn’tsayanything,butherfacelosesallofthehappycolorshehadbefore.
“Helikedtogotothesefestival-typepartiesthatareputononceayear.Peoplewearcostumes,

usuallysexyones,andtherearedisplaysofdifferentfetishesthatyoucantryout.Like,ifyou’vealways
wantedtobetiedup,aguywilldothattoyouforfun.”

“I’veheardofthem,”Violetsays.
“Ihatedgoingtothem,mostlybecausehe’dinsistIweartheskimpiestcostumethatIdidn’tfeel

comfortablein,andfrankly,I’mmoreofatraditionalgirl.Thefetishstuffdoesn’treallyinterestme.”

“Didyoutellhimthat?”
Ilookatherlikeshe’sjustsuggestedIjumpoffofabridge.“No.”
ShenodsandIcontinue.
“Itwasmostlylikethatforthemajorityofourmarriage.Hewouldhavesaidhewasbeinga

Dominant.ButI’vereadenoughtoknowthataDominantwouldnevermakeasubmissivedoanything
againstherwill.”

“You’reright.Whilethatcommunityisdifficultforsometounderstand,thecoreofitisconsent.”
“IcanhonestlysaythatIhadlittlesayovermylifeforthebetterpartofsixyears.”
“Savannah,”Violetsaysandcomestositnexttomeforamoment,foldingmeintoahug.
“Doyoudothiswithallofyourclients?”
Shechuckles,thenletsgoandreturnstoherseat.“No,butIneededthat.”
“Hetaughtmethatsexwascontrol,andpain,andeverythinghorrible.”
“Andarealmanwouldhaveshownyouthatit’stheexactopposite.Beingintimatewithsomeoneis

aboutaffectionandconnection.”

“Iwouldn’tsaythatLanceandIwereeverintimate,”Ireply.
“No,you’reright.”Shepicksherpadupandwritesafewmorenotes.“Areyouworriedthatthesex

wouldbethesamewithBen?”

“Notatall.”

“Areyouphysicallyattractedtohim?”
“Hell,yes.”Igrin.“Ididn’tknowIcouldbephysicallyturnedoneveragain,buthedoesn’tevenhave

totouchmetoturnmeon.”

“That’swonderful,”Violetreplies.“It’strulymiraculous,Savannah.Formanywomenwhohavebeen

throughthetraumathatyouhave,theyneverrecoverenoughtohaveahealthysexlife.”

“Well,wehaven’thadsexyet,sothejuryisstilloutonthat.”
“HasBensaidanything?”
“He’ssaidhewantsme,”Ireply.“Justyesterday,actually.Thechemistryisthere.Webothfeelit.And

Iwanttohavesexwithhim.”

“What’sholdingyouback?”
“Well,yesterdayhementionedsomethingaboutkids,andhowgoodIamwiththem.”
“Okay.”
“Doyouthinkthatmeansthathewantskids?”
“Whatdoyouthinkitmeans?”
“Jesus,Violet,willyoujustansweronequestion?”
Herlipstwitch.“YouknowBenbetterthanIdo.”
Iblowoutagustybreath.“Idon’tknowifhewantskids.Iwouldguessso.”
“Andwhydoesthatbotheryou?”
“BecauseIcan’thavechildren.”
Shepauses.“Haveyoualwaysbeeninfertile?”
“No.”
“Isee.HaveyoutalkedtoBenaboutit?”
“No.”
“Well,Ithinkthat’swhereyoushouldstart.”
“WhatshouldIsay?Andwhen?Like,we’reabouttodothedeedandIblurtout,Oh,bytheway,if

youwantkidsweneedtostopnow.”

“Clearly,that’snotthecase.”Shetiltsherheadtotheside.“IknowBenwellenoughtoknowthathe

wouldlistentoyouandhaveanadultconversationwithyou.”

“Iknow.”Isigh.“It’sjustanawkwardconversation,andfrankly,I’msicktodeathofhavingtotalk

aboutLanceandallthewayshefuckedmeup.Iwantitinthepast.”

“IthinkopeninguptoBenisthebestwaytoputitsquarelyinyourpast,Van.”
“I’vebeenfeelingsomuchbetter.”
“Youarenotthesamewomanwhowalkedintothisofficetwoyearsago,”sheconfirms.“You’re

confidentandhappy.Youhaveyourselfback,andthat’stheresultofallofyourhardwork.Iloveyour
hair,bytheway.”

“Thanks.”Irunmyfingersthroughtheshorterstrandsofhair.“Itwastime.”
“Andmaybeit’stimeforthisconversationwithBenaswell,”shesayswithakindsmile.“Ithink

you’llberelieved,andhisreactionwillpleasantlysurpriseyou.”

“Youthink?”
“Ido.”
Inodandrubmyhandsonmylegs,alreadynervous.“Probablybesttodoitsooner,ratherthanlater,

right?”

“Iagree,yes.”
IreachoutandtakeViolet’shandinmine,givingitasqueeze.“Thankyou.”
“That’swhatI’mherefor.”

***

IjustkickedtheshitoutofsomeoneinKravMagaclass.Itwasalmostastherapeuticasmychatwith

Violetearliertoday.NowIwanttogohome,takealonghotshower,andcurlupwithabookbythefire.

I’vebeenwithBeneverynightsincewestartedthisofficialrelationship.Notthroughthenight,aside

fromthenighthewassick.Butwehavemadeapointofspendingeveningstogetherafterwork.

IthinkIshouldgivehimanightofffromme.I’malwaysmoodyaftertherapy,andI’mtiredtonight.
I’mprobablynotgoodcompany.
Besides,Ineedtohavethetalkwithhim,andI’mavoidingthatlikethefreakingplague.
Ihurryhomeand,afterlockingmyselfin,Ihurryupstairstotakemyshower.Onceout,Ireachformy

perfumeonmyvanity,butit’sgone.Ialwayskeepitinthesameplace,butit’snothere.

Iglancearoundinconfusion,butIdon’tseeitanywhere.
Huh.Whowouldhavetakenit?SurelyBendoesn’tneedit.
Ishrugandmentallyaddnewperfumetomylist.IlovethescentIuse.It’slightandpretty,andyou

havetogetclosetometosmellit.

LanceusedtoinsistIwearChanelNo.5,andtothisday,ifIsmellitonsomeoneastheypassby,Iget

nauseated.Ihateit.

ButIdon’thavetowearitanymore.I’llpickupanotherbottleofmyfave.
IfinishgettingdressedandBencalls.
“Hithere,”Isaywithasmile.
“Howareyou,beautiful?”
“Tired.It’sbeenacrazyday.Howareyou?”
“Lonely.”
Ismirk.“Iwasthinkingaboutstayinghomethisevening.”
“That’sfine,Icancomethere.”
Ibitemylip.“Youdon’twantanightawayfromme?”
He’ssilentforamoment.“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Ithinkitover,anditoccurstomethatno,that’snotwhatIwant.
“Ijustdon’twantyoutogetsickofme.”
“Savannah,that’sonethingyoudon’teverhavetoworryabout.BesidesIrealizedthatyounever

spilledthebeansaboutwhatyou’velearnedaboutme.”

“That’salonglist,”Isay,myinnerflirtonfull-blast.“I’llcomeover,ifit’sokay.”
“It’salwaysokay,”hesays.“Drivecarefully.”
“Iwill.”
Ihangupandgathermythings,andamheadedtoBen’shousewithintwominutes.Myhandsare

sweaty.Mystomachisrolling.

It’sagoodthingIhaven’teatenanythingyet.I’djustupchuckit.
“Hey,”hesaysasheswingsthedooropen.“Thecodetothisdooriseight-eight-nine-nine.”
Icockabrow.“That’sprettysimple.”
“Ilikesimple,”hesayswithashrug.Assoonasthedoorisclosed,hepullsmeinforatighthuganda

longkiss.

“Isitpossibletomissyouafterlessthanaday?”Iask.
“Iguessso,”herepliesandleadsmeuptohisrecroom.Hehasabigpooltable,abigTV,abigwet

bar.

Basically,everythingisjustoversizedinthisroom.Ifyouweretolookupmancaveinthedictionary,

thiswouldbethere.

“Idon’tthinkyou’veeverbroughtmeuphere,”Isayandwanderaroundtheroom,settingmybagon

thetablebehindanenormoussectionalcouch.

“ThisiswhereIusuallyhangoutwhenI’mhome.”
Hesitsonthecouchandwatchesmeprowlabout.

“Youseemtense.”
“Me?”Ishakemyhead.“Never.”
“Right.Comehere.”HeholdshishandoutformineandItakeit,lettinghimpullmeintohislap.

“Spillit.”

“What?”
“Whatyou’velearned.”
Ikisshischeek.“Ialwaysknewyouwerekind.ButI’velearnedthatyou’rewaymoremushyand

affectionatethanIexpected.”

“Didyoujustcallmeawuss?”heaskswithafrown.
“No.”Ilaughandkisshischeekagain.“Isaidyou’resensitive.”
“Canwekeepthisoursecret?”
“Yes.Ifotherwomenknew,I’dhavetokicktheirassestokeepthemoffofyou.”
“You’retheonlywomanIwant.”
“See?Yousaythesweetestthings.”
Hegrinsandrunshisfingersthroughmyhair,makingmewishIcouldpurr.
“Whatelseisonyourmind?”
Isigh.“IguessIshouldtalktoyouaboutsomething.Thisalsohastoremainasecretbetweenus.”
“Okay.”
Ican’ttalkaboutthiswhileinhislap.Ijustcan’t.Istandandpaceawayfromhim,tryingtodecide

howtotellhimthis.

“Areyouokay?”hefinallyasks.“Areyouhurt?”
“Notanymore,”Imurmur.“IguessIcanstartthiswithaquestionforyou.”
“Shoot.”He’sstillsittingcasually,oneanklecrossedovertheoppositeknee,hisarmalongtheback

ofthecouch.

“Doyouwantchildrenoneday?”
Hiseyesnarrow,buthedoesn’tmoveotherwise.
“Withtherightwoman,yes.”Hetiltshisheadtotheside.“Doyou?”
“I’vealwayswantedchildren,”Iadmit.“ButIhavetotellyou,beforewetakethisanyfurther,thatI

can’thavekids.”

Heswallowshard.“Okay.Why?”
Ifrown.
“Youmightaswelltellmethewholestory,”hesaysandstandssohecanpickmeupandsetmeonthe

couchnexttohim.“AndIwantyounexttomewhileyoudo.”

“I’mnotgoingtotellyoueverything.”Ishakemyheadwhenhewouldargueandtakehishandin

mine.“TrustmewhenItellyou,youdon’twantitallinyourhead.It’sinthepast,andI’msogoodnow,
Ben.Ican’tgivehimanymorepowerbytellingyoueverythingthathappened.

“ButthispartisimportantbecausealthoughIknowit’sstillearly,itcouldpotentiallyaffectyoutoo,

andjustlikeyougavemethefreedomtochoosethiswithyou,Ihavetogivethatbacktoyou.”

“Okay,sweetheart.I’mallears.”
Itakeadeepbreath.
“Ican’thavebabies.Ever.”Ihavetopausetofindtherightwords.“Iwasbeatensoseverelythathe

destroyedmyovariesandtheyhadtoberemoved.Ihadtohaveafullhysterectomy.”

IrisklookingupintohisfaceandwhatIfindtheremakesmecatchmybreath.
Hehastearsinhiseyes.
“Idon’thavetotellyouanymore.”
“Yes,youdo.”Heleansoverandkissesmesoftly.“Butonlyasmuchasyouwant.”
“Well,thatreallyexplainsthephysiologyofit.Itwasn’tjustonebeating,butmanyoverthespanofa

fewyearsthatdidirreparabledamage.Mydoctorfounditduringaroutinephysical,andsuggestedIhadit
allremovedbeforeitcouldbecomeinfectedorworse.

“So,Idid.”Ishrug.“AndIneededyoutoknowbecauseifwekeepgoingdownthispath,anditleads

tosomethingpermanentlateron,youhavetoknowinadvancethatwecouldneverhavechildren.”

“Well,notbiologicalonesanyway.Thereareplentyofchildrenouttherethatneedafamily.”
“I’veneverconsideredadoption.”
“Youshould,”hesays.“Nomatterwhoyouendupwith,youshouldknowthatthat’sanoptionforyou.

AndasfarasI’mconcerned,well,Iamnotwillingtowalkawayfromyou,Savannah.There’snotmuch
youcouldsaytomakemego.”

Asighofreliefrunsthroughme.“Areyousure?”
“I’msure.”Hepullsmebackintohislap.“I’msorrythathappenedtoyou,Angel.”
“It’sover.”Ipullbackandlookintohisface.“YounevertoldmewhyyoucallmeAngel.”
Hislipsturnupintoasmile.
“BecausewhenIwaslyinginbed,abouttodie,youwerehoveringovermeandIcouldhavesworn

youwereanangel.”

“I’mnot.”Ikisshischeek.“Anangel.”
“You’reascloseasI’llevergettoone,”hereplies.“Doyoufeeluptoagameofpool?”
“Idon’tknowhowtoplaypool.”
Hestandswithmestillinhisarms.
“Ilovehowstrongyouare.”
“AndIlovehowstrongyouare,”hereplies.“You’rethestrongestpersonIknow,Savannah,andit’sa

privilegetobewithyou.”

“Don’tgetsappyonme,Mr.Preston.”
“Fine.I’llteachyouhowtoplaypoolinstead,Ms.Boudreaux.”
Ismile,holdingontohimandenjoyingthefeelofhisarmsaroundme.“Deal.”

ChapterNine

~Savannah~

“Holditlikethis,”Bensays.He’spushedupbehindme,leaningoverme.We’restretchedoverthe

table,andlet’sbehonest,I’mnotatallfocusedongettingthisgreenballinthecornerpocket.

I’mfocusedonBen’scrotchpressedagainstmyass.Hischestpressedtomyback.
Hislipswhisperinginmyear.
I’veneverhadsexonapooltablebefore,andnowseemslikeagreattimetostart.
Ilickmylipsandaimfortheball,asBenguidesmyarminslowmotions.Istrike,andtheballmisses,

bouncingaroundthetable.

“Idon’tthinkyou’reagreatteacher,”Isayaswebothstandup.Ialreadymisstheheatofhimagainst

me.

“Idon’tthinkyou’repayingattention,”hereplies,leaningonthecue,andnotbackingaway.SoIboost

myselfupandsitontheedgeofthetable,gatheringBen’sshirtinmyfistsathiships.

“Oh,I’mpayingattention.”Igrinasheletsthecuefalltothetabletopandplantshishandsonthetable

atmyhips,leaningintokissme.

“Areyoureallyinthemoodtoplaypool?”heasksagainstmylips.
“Idon’tthinkso.”Itughisshirtupandletmyhandsexplorehiswarm,smoothskin.
“Angel,Ineedtobesurethatyou’resureaboutthis,”hesays,holdingmyfaceinhishandsand

pinningmeinhisice-bluestare.

“I’msure.”
“I’mgoingtotakethisveryslowly.”
“Becauseyou’retryingtotortureme?”Igrinandbitehislip.
“No,smartass,becauseI’vedreamedaboutthisforyears,andbecauseIwanttomakesurethatyou

feelsafe.”

“I’veneverfeltsaferinmylifethanIdowhenI’mwithyou,Ben.”Itakehishandandplaceitover

myheart.“Iloveyou.Itrustyouimplicitly,andIwantyou.”

Hiseyescloseasifinreliefforamillisecond,andthenextthingIknow,he’sliftedmeandiscarrying

metowardthebedroom.

“Nopooltablesex?”
Hestopscoldandstaresatmeinsurprise.“Doyouwanttohavepooltablesex?”
“Well,itsoundslikeitcouldbefun.”
Helaughsandcarriesmetherestofthewaytohisbedroom.
“Thenpooltablesexweshallhave,beautifullady.Butnotthistime.Thistime,Iwantyouinmybed.I

wantyourscentonmysheets.Iwanttoseethemoonlightonyourgorgeousskinasweliehereand
worshipeachother.”

“Wow.Ihadnoideayouwereapoet.”Ismilesweetly,butthenheshocksthehelloutofmeand

whipshisshirtrightoverhishead.“God,Ben,you’rejustridiculous.”

Hislipstwitch.“Nowit’syourturn.”Hegrabsthehemofmyshirtandliftsitslowly.Iraisemyarms

overmyheadandwhenit’soff,heletsitfalltothefloor.Hiseyesarestillpinnedtomine,andthenthey
verydeliberatelytraveldownmyneck,tomychestandmystomach.“Beautiful.”

Youhaven’tseenthestomachpoochyet.
ButIdon’tsayitoutloudbecausenomanwantshisgirltostarttalkingshitaboutherselfwhenthey’re

abouttomakelove.It’snotsexyatall.

Ireachouttounfastenhisjeans.Hewatchesmepatiently,hishandshangingathissides,asIpullthem

downhishipsandlegs.Icrouchnexttohim,helpinghimstepoutofthem.BeforeIstandbackup,Itake
mytimekissinghisstrongthighs.Hehasalightdustingofhairthatfeelsgoodagainstmylips.

He’sjustinhistightboxerbriefsnow.They’reblack,andtheyclinginthemostdeliciousway.He’s

clearlyaroused,soIleaninandpressakissoverthecottonofhisshorts.

“Ohno,”hesays,guidingmebacktomyfeet.“Youhavetocatchup.”
“Youcatchmeup,”Ireply,makinghimsmile.Hisfingersmakequickworkofmyjeans,andhecopies

mymoveofsquattingbeforeme,tuggingthemdownmylegs.IbracemyselfonhisshoulderasIstepout
ofthem.

Andthen,praisetheLordabove,hepressesakisstomythigh,mirroringmymovements.
Holyshit,he’sgoingtokissmethere.
Andhedoes.Hislipsarefirmashekissesmeovermypinkcottonpanties,andthenhestandsagain,

gazinghappilydownatme.

We’restandinghere,inourunderwear,juststaringateachother.Itmightbethemostintimatemoment

ofmylife.

“You’reperfect,”hewhispers.Hereachesouttotracemybrastrapdowntothetopofthecup.“Every

partofmewantstotakeyoufastandhard,butImustadmit,thisisamazing.”

Inodandstepclosertohim,pressingmybellyagainsthishardon.
“Youdidn’tgetyourtattoo,”hesays.
“Notyet.Yougotsick,soIpostponed.”
Hekissesmyforehead.
“Ineedtotellyou,”hesays,ashishandstravelovermyskin,sendingzingsofelectricityalloverme.

It’shardtokeepmyeyesopen.Ifeeldrunk.

Andhe’sjustgettingstarted.
Dear,sweetJesus,Imightnotsurvivethis.
“Whatdoyouneedtotellme?”Iwhisper.
“You’reamazing,Savannah.”Hepresseshislipseversogentlytothesoftskinbelowmyear.“You’re

themostfantasticpersonI’veeverknowninmylife,andIloveyousomuchmybodyacheswithit.”

“Ben,”Iwhisper,completelymesmerizedbyhim.
Hishandsglideupmyarms,overmyshoulders,andtomybackwhereheunfastensmybraandIletit

falldownmyarmsandtothefloor.

Mynipplesarealreadyhardpebbles.Ihavegoosebumpsallovermyskin.Hisbreath,hiseyes,his

fingersareseducingmefasterthananythingelseeverhas.

I’malreadyaddictedtohim,andwe’vehardlytouchedeachother.
“Beautiful,”hesaysagainandpressesakissonmychest,rightbetweenmybreasts.
“You’renotnakedyet,”Isay.I’mtracingtheverytopofhisboxerbriefs,wheretheelasticmeetshis

skin.

“Neitherareyou,”herepliesandIsmileupathim.
“Youfirst.”
Hecockshisheadtothesideandholdshisarmsout.“Helpyourself.”
He’smakingsureIknowthatI’mincontrol,andit’sjustastouchingashimdeclaringhisloveforme.
Islipmyfingerundertheelastic,neverlookingawayfromhisface.Icanfeelhissmoothskin,pulled

tightoverhiserection.Theridgeoftheheadleadsmetotheverytip,and…metal?

“Um,Ben?”
“Yes,Angel.”
“Areyoupierced?”
Hislipstipupintoasmile.“Iam.”
I’mfascinated.

“Ihavetoseethis.”Ipullhisshortsdown,freeinghiscock,andstareinwondernotonlyatthemetal

ringhe’ssportinginthetip,butthesheersizeofhim.

“Thatwillnotfitinsideme.”
Hechuckles.“Ipromise,itwill.”
“I’mgoingtohavesomanyquestionsforyoulater.”
“Ihopeso,”hesaysasIpushtheshortsdownaroundhisankles.Hestepsfreeofthem,andhereheis,

inallofhisglory.

Andletmejustsay,he’smotherfuckingglorious.
“Canyoupleaseturnaround?”Iaskandbitemylip.Hedoesn’taskwhy,orargueatall.Hesimply

turnshisbacktome.

IknewIlovedhistattoos.Hissleevesareimpressive.Theothersonhistorsoarebeautiful.
ButIhadnoideathatIcouldbethisturnedonbysomeone’sback.
Themusclesaredefined,rippledunderinkedskin.Hedoesn’thavehiswholebackcovered,justup

betweenhisshoulderblades.

“Whatdoesthesymbolonyourbackmean?”
“It’stheKravMagasymbol,”hereplies.He’sbeingsopatientwithme,lettingmetakemytimeto

lookhimover.

Hisassisfirm,andhehasthosetwodimplesrightaboveit.
Ireachoutandtraceone,thentheother.
“Youcanturnbackaround,”Isayandsmileathimwhenhecomplies.“Idon’twantyoutogetabig

headoranything,butyouarephysicallyridiculous.”

“Thankyou,”hesays.“Now,it’smyturn.”
Iholdmyarmsoutatmysideandsmirk,mirroringhisresponsefromaminuteago.Hestepstomeand

brusheshisfingerovertheelastic,whereitmeetstheskinalongmywaist.

I’msodamnwetrightnow,thepantieswillbesoakedwhenhefinallygetsthemoffofme.
“I’mgoingtotaketheseoff,”hewhispers.
“Great.”Hehookshisthumbsinthewaistbandatmyhipsandslowlydragsthemdownmylegs,

kissingmyexposedskinandsendingmoregoosebumpsovermybody.Whenthey’repooledatmyfeet,he
standsandstepsbacksohecantakeagood,longlook.Idon’tevencarethathe’slookingatmybelly,
giventhepurelustinhiseyes.“Pleaseturnaround.”

Icomplyandhearhimsuckinabreath.IknowIhaveacoupleofscarsonmyback.They’renotas

badastheycouldbe,andIdon’thavetoseethem,soIforgetthey’rethere.

Well,mostofthetime.
“Liftyourhairoffyourneck,please.”
Igrinanddoasheasks.
“Whatdoesthatonemean?”He’sreferringtothetattoojustundermyhairline.
“It’salotusflower.Theyriseoutofthemudandarebeautiful.Igotitincollege.Itseemedprettyand

symbolic,andhadnoideajusthowsymbolicitwouldendupbeing.”

“Iagree,”hesays.“Youcanletyourhairdownandturnaround.”
Hestepstomeandcupsmychinandneckinhispalm.“I’mgoingtotakemytimetonight,Van.Iwant

toexploreyou.Iwanttolearnyou.”

“Samepage,”Iwhisper.
Heurgesmeontothebed,finally.Thecoversarecoolagainstmyalreadyhotskin.Heclimbsonwith

me,coveringmecompletely.Hiserectionisheavyonmybelly,andIloveit.Ican’thelpmyself,Ireach
downandcuphiminmyhandandwatchwithsatisfactionashecloseshiseyesandcursesunderhis
breath.

“Ifyoukeepdoingthat,itwon’tbeslow,sweetheart.”

IlovethatI’mturninghimonasmuchasheisme.Ilovethatthere’sjustthetwoofushere,noghosts

fromthepast.Justus,andthisincredibleattractionforeachother.

Iletgoofhimashebeginstopepperkissesovermyneck.Hekisses,thenlicks,andthenmovesonto

thenextspot,blesshisheart.

“IthoughtthewholeVinthehipsthingwassomethingreservedonlyforromancenovels,”Iwhisper

ashetravelsdownmychest.Helicksmynavel,andIhavetobitemyliptokeepfromlaughing.

Ittickles.
I’mshockedthatIfeelsocomfortablehere,naked,withtheonemanI’vewantedforaslongasIcan

remember.

“Youhaveabeautifulbody.”Helickshiswayovertomyhipandthenupmyside.
“Areyougoingtodothisovermyentirebody?”
Hestopsandlooksupatme.“Doyouhavesomethingagainstthis?”
“No.”Ishakemyheadandbrushhishairoffhisforehead.“It’snice.ButI’mnotdoinganythingfor

you.”

“You’llhavethechancetorepaythefavor.”Andwiththat,hegoesbacktoexploringeveryinchofmy

body.Everynerveendingisquiveringashetouches,kisses,licks,andbiteshiswayalloverme.

Heflipsmeoveronmystomachandstartsatmyfeet,makinghiswayup.Heplantsawetkissonboth

asscheeks,makingmegiggle.

“Yourstubblefeelssogood.”
“Ishouldhaveshaved,”hesays.
“Ilikeit.”
“Yes,butIplantokissyouhere.”Hisfingersslideupbetweenmylegsandintomyfolds,andweboth

moaninpleasure.“You’resofuckingwet,Angel.”

“Incaseyoumissedit,I’mincrediblyturnedon.”
“Ihaven’tmissedathing,”hemurmurs.Hisfingershavemovedon,abandoningmycorecompletely.I

wanttopout,butthenhesucksonthesmallofmyback.

Jesus,whoknewthesmallofmybackwasafuckingerogenouszone?
“Likethat?”
“Mm.”Ican’tspeaknowashenibbleshiswayupmyspine.
“Youhavescars.”Hetracesonewithhistongue.
“They’refading.”
“IhavesomelotionI’llputonthemlater.”Hebitesmyshoulder.“It’llhelp.”
“OhmyGod.”Ihavetohangonfordearlifeashekissesmylotusflower.Myhipsbuck,mynipples

arepebbles,andI’venevercomesoclosetoorgasmfromforeplayinmylife.

“Goodorbad?”
“Don’tstop.Ifyoustop,I’llhavetobeatyouup.”
Hechucklesandrepeatsthemotion.
“You’refindingallkindsoferogenouszonesIdidn’tknowexisted.”
“That’smyjob.”Heflipsmeoveragain,andI’mstaringupintothebluesteyesthatrivaltheocean.

“Bythetimewe’refinished,Idon’twantyoutorememberyourname.”

“Idefinitelycouldn’tspellitrightnow.”
Hishandglidesdownmysidetomyhip.Hiscockispressedtomythigh,andhe’skissingmenow,

likehe’sstarving.

Finally,finally,heurgesmylegsapart.Hedoesn’tleavemylipsashisfingersbrusheversolightly

overmypussy.I’msoaroused,thatallittakesisthatgentletouchtohavemyhipsriseupoffthebed,
seekinghimout.

“Ben,”Igasp,holdingonfordearlife.

“Whatdoyouneed?”
“You.”I’mridinghisfingersnow.Icouldn’tstopifIwantedto,andIcertainlydon’twantto.“Ineed

you.”

Hepositionshimselfbetweenmylegs,wrappingthemaroundhiships.
“Watch,”hesays.Iglancedownandwatchastheheadofhiscock,andthatpieceofmetal,slips

throughmyfoldsandinsidemeintheslowest,smoothestmotion.Whenhe’sinalltheway,hestopsand
kissesmesoftly,andIcan’thelpthetearthatfallsfromthecornerofmyeye.“Areyouokay,love?”

“I’msookay,”Ireply.“Youfeelsogood,andI’mhappytobeherewithyou.It’ssomuchmore

amazingthanIeverthoughtitcouldbe.”

Herestshisforeheadonmineandbeginstomoveinslow,shallowthrusts,allowingmybodytoadjust

tohim.

“You’resotight,”hewhispers.
“It’sbeenaverylongtime.”Ibitemylip,wishingIhadn’tsaidthat.Whatanidiot!ButBenbeingthe

kindmanheis,hekissesmeandgrins.

“Formetoo,”heinformsme,defusingwhatcouldhavebeenanawkwardmoment.“MyGod,Van,this

isbetterthananythinginmydreams.”

“Youcanmovefaster.”
Hecocksabrow.“Yes,ma’am.”Hishipsmovefaster,andhe’spushingabitharder,andIcanfeel

thatlittlepieceofmetalhittingjusttherightspot,overandoveragain.

“Holyshit.”
“Thereyougo,”hecroons,watchingmyface.“That’sit,Savannah.Justridethewave.”
I’mhelplesstodoanythingbut,ashereachesundermeandtipsmyhipsup,andthat’sallittakesto

makemeexplodeintoamilliontinypieces.

Heburieshisfaceinmyneckandgroans.
“You’resqueezingmesohard.”
Hiswordshavemesqueezingevenharder,andhiswholebodytightens,andhecomesapart,givingin

tohisownorgasm.

Iholdhimtightlyasherecovers,brushinghishairoffofhisforehead,lettingmyotherhandroam

downhissidetohisimpressiveassanduphisbackagain.

Afterhecatcheshisbreath,hecarefullypullsoutandcollapsesnexttome.Hestillhasenoughenergy

topullmetohim,tuckingmesafelyagainsthim.

“Noneofthisshouldsurpriseme,”Isay,myfingersbrushingupanddownhisarm.
“What’sthat?”
“Thechemistry.Thetrust.Thelove.HowcomfortableIamwithyou.”
“Thoseareallexcellentthings.”
“Ididn’tthinkI’deverfeelthemagain,”IadmitandrollinhisarmssoI’mfacinghim.Icuphischeek

inmyhandandlaymylipsagainsthisgently.“Itfeels…sodamngood.Ben,beingwithyouthesepast
coupleofweekshasdonejustasmuchgoodformeastwoyearsoftherapy.”

“IshouldputthatonaT-shirt.Itwouldbegreatforbusiness.”
Ilaughandkisshischin.“Thankyou,justforbeingyou.”
“I’mjusttryingtobeashonestandcarefulwithyouasIcanbe.Notbecauseyou’refragile.You’re

not.ButbecauseIdon’twanttofuckthisup,Savannah.Weworkedtoohardtogethere.”

“We’renotgoingtofuckitup.”Ituckmyfaceinhisneckandbreathehimin.“Iheardasayingonce.

Hisloveroarslouderthanherdemons.Ican’texplainthisanybetterthanthat.”

Hekissesthecrownofmyhead.He’sbrushingmyhairback,siftingitthroughhisfingers,overand

overagain.Itfeelssogood.

“Tellmeaboutthepiercing.”

Heshifts,wrappingonelegaroundmineandclearshisthroat.
“Areyousureyouwantthisstory?”
“Oh,I’mriveted.”
“Itmightmakeyourunandnevercomeback.”
Ifrownandlookupintohiseyesandseethathe’sbeingplayful.He’ssmirking;hiseyesarefullof

fun.

Islaphisassandtuckmyselfagainsthimagain.
“Spillit,Benjamin.”

ChapterTen

~Ben~

This,righthere,iseverythingI’veeverwantedinmylife.Shefitsperfectlyineveryway.Herbodyis

absolutelyeveryfantasyI’vehad,butmorethanthat,wefittogetherlikethis,curleduptogether,liketwo
piecesofapuzzle.

Ikissherhead,andkeepplayingwithherhair,ticklingthebackofherneckwherehersexylittle

tattoois,andIcantellbyhersweetlittlemoansthatitfeelsgood.

“Iwasyoung,”Ibegin,notexactlyexcitedtotellthisstory.“Andincollege.”
“It’samazinghowmanystoriesbeginwiththat.”Shesnortsandtracesthemusclesinmyupperarms,

alongwiththetattoosthere.Ironically,theoneshe’stracingrightnowishertattoo.

“Someoneshouldputabooktogetherofstoriesthatstartthatway,”Ireply.
“I’msureit’salreadybeenwritten.”
“Hm.”Ikissherlipswhenshetipsherheadback.
“Okay,keepgoing.”
“Okay,soIwasyoungandstupid,andIcan’tconfirmordeny,butImighthavealsobeendrunk.”
“Soyouweredrunk…”
Ilaughandkeepgoing.“I’dalreadystartedmyrightsleeve,soIwentintothistattooandpiercing

placeprettyregularly,andtherewasthisgirl.”

“Theotherwaymoststoriesstart.”
“Yes.ButIhavetosay,ifyou’reuncomfortable—”
“Please.”Sherollshereyes.“You’renovirgin,Ben.Keeptalking.”
“So,thisgirlwasthepierceratthetattooshop,andtheguywhodidmytatssetmeupwithher.She

wasniceenough,notmuchdrama,prettyfuntohangoutwith.”

“Howlongdidyoudateher?”
“Oh,maybethreemonths?”Ishrug.“Notlongbecausesheeventuallytalkedmeintogettingthe

piercing.”

“AndisthisaPrinceAlbertoranApa?”sheasks,andIhavetostopandstareather.
“Howdoyouknowthenamesofthese?”
“Um,I’mnotdumb,”shesaysandslapsmyarm.“AndIwenttocollege,too.”
“Right.”Idon’twanttothinkaboutthat.“ThisisaPrinceAlbert.Andwestoppeddatingbecause

oncethishappened,Iwassoreforaboutsixmonths.Shedidn’twarnmethatthatwasasideeffect.”

“Ialwaysthoughtitwasanurbanmyththatthepiercingdidanythingforthegirlduringsex,butIcan

nowattestthatit’strue.”

“Really?”NowI’mfascinated.IpushherontoherbacksoIhavebetteraccesstotherestofherbody.

“Howso?”

“Well,itdefinitelybrushedagainsttheotherurbanmythseveraltimes.”
“YourGspot?”
“Ohyeah,”shesays,noddingvigorously.“Definitelyfoundthatsweetlittlespot.”
“Huh.”Irubherbelly,tracingcirclesaroundhernavel.“Iknowhowtofindthatspotwithoutthe

metal.”

“Idoubtit.”
Icockabrow.“Youdon’tbelieveme?”
Sheshrugsoneshoulderasifit’snobigdeal.“Mostmenthinktheyknowhowtofindit,andmost

definitelydon’t.”

“Shallwebetonit?”
“Whatwouldyouliketobet?”
She’ssmilingsowidely,herhazeleyesshiningwithhumorandlust,andit’sallIcandonottopinher

downandfuckhermindless.

“Theloserhastoorderpizzaandgetdressedtogetitwhenitarrives.”
Shemovesherheadfromsidetoside,asifshe’sthinkingitover,andfinallynods.“Deal.”
Oh,sweetheart,you’reabouttolosethisbet.
Ikissherpubisandurgeherlegsapart.ShereadilycompliesandwhenIpositionmyselfbetweenher

thighsandglanceupather,she’sstaringdownatmewithpurelustandhunger.

Ikissthecreaseofherlegandherpussyandshegrins.“That’snotit.”
“Haha.”
Ipushtwofingersinsideherandmakeacomeheremotionthatsendsherheadbackonthepillow,

thrashingbackandforth.

“Holyshit!”
Igrinandkeepgoing,addingmythumbtoherclit,andwatchinfascinationasshecomeshard.She

reachesabovehertopushontheheadboardashercheeksandneckflush.WhenIfeelthelastspasms,I
pullmyfingersoutandsmileupather.

“Iwantsausageonmypizza.”
“Howdoyouknowitworked?”
Ican’thelpit,Istopandstareatherforasecondandthenbustuplaughing,pullinghertome.
“Youcrackmeup.”
“Iguessit’sawin-winforme,”shesays.“IjusthadanotherorgasmandIgetpizza.”
“That’sagreatwayoflookingatit.”
“Areyouhungrynow?”She’ssearchingforsomething,frowning.
“What’swrong?”
“Ican’tfindmyphone.”
“It’sprobablystillinthepoolroom.I’llgogetit.”
Idashdownthehallandfindthepoolroomjustasweleftit,thelightsstillon,ballsscatteredonthe

table.Herhandbagisinthecouch,soIjustgrabthewholethingandbringitbacktoher.She’ssittingon
thesideofthebed,herclothesalreadybackon.

“Oh,thanks.”
“Yougotdressed.”
“Well,yeah.Ihavetoorderpizzaandgetitfromthedeliveryguy.Idon’tthinkyouwantme

answeringthedoorinmybirthdaysuit.”

“No,butIwasn’treadyforyoutogetdressedyeteither.”
“Don’tsulk,”shesaysasshepullsherphoneoutofherbag.Shefrownswhenshelooksdown.

“Beau’sbeenblowingupmyphone.”

“Goaheadandcallhim.”
Shenodsandpressesthephonetoherear.Itdoesn’ttakehimlongtoanswer.
“Hey,what’sup?”She’ssilentasshelistens,andthenhereyeswidenandshesmileshappily.

“Really?Sheis?OhmyGod,Beau.”Hereyesfillwithtearsandshesniffles.“OfcourseI’mcrying.No,
they’rehappytears.Oh,I’msohappyforyou.Pleasehugherforme,andtellherIwanttoseeher
tomorrow.Okay.Goodnight.”

“Well?”
“Didheblowupyourphonetoo?”
“Idon’thaveanyideawheremyphoneis,”Ireply.“I’vehadotherthingsonmymind.”
“Well,Malloryisgoingtohaveababy.”Shepullsatissueoutofherbagandblowshernose.Jesus,

whatelsedowomencarryinthosethings?

“That’sawesome.”
“Iknow.”Andnowshebreaksdownintearsagain.“She’salwaysbeenafraidtohavekidsbecause

thegirlsinherfamilyinheritherparanormalabilities,butBeauissogoodforher,andI’msoh-h-happy
forthem.”

“Iseethat.”Itugherhandandpullherupintomyarms,rockingusbothbackandforth.Iwonderif

she’stornwhenoneofhersiblingssaysthey’regoingtohaveababy.Isshehappyforthemandsadfor
herselfatthesametime?

Idon’twanttoaskherthatnow.Idon’twantanyghostsheretonight.SoIkisshertempleandwipethe

tearsaway.

“We’llcongratulatethemtomorrow.”
Shenods,thetearsdryingup.
“Areyouhungry?”Iask.
“Yes.”
“Let’sorderthatpizzathen.”

***

“Todaywasakick-my-assday,”Ethan,mygeneralmanager,saysthefollowingeveningaswe’re

closingupthestudio.

“Anythingyouneedhelpwith?”Iaskhim.
“No,nothingcrazy,justbusy.IhadtwowomencomeintogethertodayandjoinShelly’sclass.”
“That’sgreat.”IstartedthatclassrightafterwealldiscoveredjusthowbadlySavannah’sex-husband

abusedher.“Wemighthavetoaddanotherofherclasseseachweek.It’sprettyfull.”

“It’sgreatforus,butit’sfuckingsadthattherearethatmanywomenwhoneedtodefendthemselves

againstmenwhoaresupposedtolovethem.”

“Andthat’sjusttheoneswhohavediscoveredtheclassandarebraveenoughtocome,”Ireply.
“Iknow.”Hesighs.“Ihavesomemorepaperworktocatchupon,butI’llberightbehindyou.”
“Icanstay.”
“No,I’llliterallybethirtysecondsbehindyou.I’lllockuponmywayout.”
“Allright,man,haveagoodnight.”
HewavesmeoffandIsnagmykeysoffmydesk.It’safterdark,butthat’snotunusualonThursdays

whenIworklate.Idon’texpectmystafftoalwaystaketheeveningclasses,andIdon’tminddoingthem,
soIteachlateonThursdays.

IwalkoutofthedoorandtaketwostepstowardmycarwhenI’msuddenlygrabbedonbothsides.
“Whatthefuck?”
Ispin,almostfreeingmyself,buttwomoremenjointhem.They’remassive,outweighingmebyat

leastfiftypoundseach.

“Takemywallet,”Isay,hopingoneofthemloosenshisgriponmelongenoughtograbforit,butno

suchluck.

Thugnumberthreepunchesme,squareinthemouth,cuttingitopen.
Ikickup,usingthefirsttwoasleverage,buttheygrabmylegs.ThankGodI’mfastandIpullback

beforetheycanplanttheirelbowinmyshin,breakingit.

“Hey!”IhearEthanyellandtheyimmediatelydropme,butjustbeforetheyletgocompletely,Thug

Onemuttersinmyear.

“Stayawayfromher.”
AndthenI’mlyingonthestreetandthefourofthemarerunningaway.
“Whatthefuck?”Ethanasksashehelpsmetomyfeet.
“That’swhatIsaid.”Idabmylip.It’sbleeding.

“They’rewearingmasks,”hesaysaswewatchthemdisappearintothenight.
“Andtheydidn’tsaymuch,”Ireply.“Let’sgobackinsoIcangrabatowel.I’mnotgoingstraight

homefromhere.”

“Noproblem.”Hepicksmykeysupfromthesidewalk.“Didtheymugyou?”
“No.”Ifollowhimintothestudio.“Itoldthemtotakemywallet,hopingthey’dloosentheirgripon

me,buttheydidn’ttakeit.”

Henarrowshiseyes.
“Ithinkitwasoneofourgirls’ex-husband.Hesaid,stayawayfromher.”
“Assholes,”Ethanmutters.“Areyouokay?”
“Yeah,thelipistheworstofit.”Ishakemyheadandtossthebloodiedtowelinthehamper.“I’m

gonnagogetadrinkwithmyfriends.Wouldyouliketojoinus?”

“Nah,mywifehasdinnerwaiting.”Hesmiles.“Weneedsecuritycamerasoutside,nowthatwehave

thegirlscominghere.Obviouslytheirexesarepissed.”

“Ofcoursetheyare.Thewomentheygotoffonhurtingcanhurtthembacknow.”Inodandholdthe

doorforEthan,thenlockitbehindus.“Andyou’reright.I’llmakesomecallstomorrow.”

We’reparkedneareachother,andsoonEthanwavesashegetsinhiscarandheadshometohiswife.
I’mgoingtoTheOdyssey,thebarDeclanandhiswifeco-own,tomeetupwiththeguys.It’sinthe

Quarter,whichishoppingtonight.SpringalwaysbringsmoretouriststoNewOrleans.Iparkabouta
blockawayfromtherestaurant.

“Hey,”Elicallsout,catchingmyattention.They’reallgatheredaroundthebar.
They’reallhere,whichisrarethesedayswitheveryonebusywiththeirownlives.Declanisbehind

thebarwithhisfriend,andtheotherco-ownerofthebar,Adam.Beau,Eli,Rhys,andSimonaresittingon
stools,nursingbeersandflippingeachothershit.

That’swhatwedo.
“You’relate,”Rhyssays,thenfrownswhenheseesmyface.“Whogaveyouthefatlip?”
Thisattractsalloftheirattention,butIwaveitoff.“It’snotabigdeal.”
“Here’ssomeice,”Adamsays.“Whatdoestheotherguylooklike?”
“Therewerefourofthem,”Ireply,startingtofeelsorewherethefuckersgrabbedme,andmylipis

swellinglikeasonofabitch.“Jumpedmeoutsideofwork.”

“Jesus,Ben,”Beausayswithafrown.“Mugging?”
“No,Ithinkit’soneofthestudentsinShelly’sclass’sex.”Ishrugandtakeasipofcoldbeer.“I’m

goingtohavetobeefupsecurityoutside.”

“Howdoyouknowthat’swhatitwas?”Simonasks.
“Oneofthemtoldmetostayawayfromher.”
Itakeanothersip,thinkingitallover.“Youguysdon’tthinkitcouldhavebeenrelatedtoLance,do

you?”

TheyallfrownandElishakeshisheadno.“He’sinprison.Andnoonehereisgoingtohelphim.”
“He’sinmaximumsecurity,”Beauadds.“IsincerelydoubtithasanythingtodowithSavannah.What

yousuggestmakesthemostsense.”

“You’reright.”
“IneverthoughtI’dseethedaythatBengothisasskicked,”Adamsayswithasmile.
“Oh,youshouldhaveseenhimlastweek,”Elisays.“Savannahgavehimashiner.”
“Shutup,”Ireply,glaringatmyso-calledfriend.
“Thisisnotgoodadvertisingforyourbusiness,”Simonsays,joininginontheirfun.He’sthenewest

mantojoinourfold,marryingCharlyaboutayearago.

“Sureitis,”Rhyssays,slappingmeontheback.“He’sawalkingbillboardforwhypeopleneedto

takehisclass.”

Theyalllaugh,andIjoinin.It’sridiculous.Ihaven’ttakenthismanyshotswithoutgivingitbackten-

foldinyears.

I’llbeworkingoutextrahardthisweek.
“Congratulations,man,”IsaytoBeauandleaninforaman-hug.“Wasthisasurprise?”
“Yesandno,”hesayswithashrug.“Wedecidedthatwewouldliketohavekids,sowethrewbirth

controloutthewindow,andshegotpregnantthefirstmonth.”

“Over-achievers,”Rhyssayswithagrin.
“Areyouhavingmorebabies?”DeclanasksRhyswhoshakeshishead.
“No,we’rehappywiththetwowehave.Igotsnippedlastyear.”
Weallstareathiminhorror.
“It’sfareasierformetotakecareofitthanforher,sowhynot?Iprotecther.That’swhatIfucking

do.”

“Goodman,”Simonsayswithanod.
“Whataboutyouguys?”Eliasks.
“CharlyandIdon’twantchildren,”hereplieswithashrug.“Andyou’reallreproducingenoughforus

tospoilandlovethem.Changingnappiesisn’treallymyforte.”

“Idon’tthinkchangingnappiesisanyofourforte,”Elisays.“ButIsurechangemyfairshare.”
“Arewereallytalkingaboutbabiesinabar?”Declanasks.“Here,let’sdoashot.We’regrownmen

forChrist’ssake.”

Welaugh,andIpassontheshot.Onebeerisplentyforme.
“So,whatexactlyarethegirlsdoingoveratVan’splace?”
“Anotherséance,”Beausayswithasigh.“ButMallorysaidtherearen’tanyspiritsinVan’shouse,so

I’mprettysureitwasjustanexcusetogettogether.”

“GabbysaidtheyalsowantedtostartplanningforMallory’sbabyshower,”Rhysadds.
“Againwiththebabytalk,”Elisays,rollinghiseyes.
“IwanttoknowhowthingsaregoingbetweenVanandBen,”Declansays,watchingmeclosely.
“They’refine,”Ireply,intendingtoleaveitatthat.
“You’regoingtohavetosaymorethanthat,”Simonreplies.
Isighandglancearoundatthesemenwhoarebrotherstomeandcan’thelpbutchuckle.
“HowdoInavigatethis?”Iponderoutloud.“Imean,you’remybestfriends,butyou’realsoher

brothers.Ican’twinhere.”

“Tonightwe’refriends,”Declansays.“Unlessyousaysomethingwedon’tlike.”
“Exactly,”Ireplyandlaugh,thenscowlbecauseitmademyliphurt.
Fuckers.
“Idon’tknowwhatyouguyswanttoknow.Let’sstartwiththat.”
“Iwanttoknowifyou’vestartedhavingsex,”Adamsaysandthenlaughswhentheothersglareat

him.“What?She’snotmysister.”

“Wecankillyouandmakeitlooklikeanaccident,”Eliinformshim,butAdamisn’tbulliedinthe

least.Hejustlaughsagainandwalksdownthebartohelpacustomer.

“Seriously,thisisthepartthatmadeVanandIthinkthatweshouldn’tbetogether.”
“Fuckthat,”Beausayswithascowl.“Weloveyouboth.Ifitdoesn’tworkout,westillloveyou

both.”

“Afterwebeatyouup,”Declanadds.
“Youcantry,”Ireply.
“Obviouslyit’snothard;justlookatyourface,”Rhysadds,earningaglarefromme.
“Okay,I’lljustsayitallatonce,liketearingoffaBandAid.”Iclearmythroatandstareatmybeer

glass.“I’minlovewithher.She’sthemostamazingwomanI’veeverknown,andshe’sfinallymine.I’m

notgoingtodoanythingtofuckthatup.Yes,we’reintimate,andyes,wehadafewdiscussionstomake
sureshewasready,andthatshetrustsme.”

“Soyou’renotpushinghertoohard,”Declansays.
“No,butwhatyouallneedtorememberis,yoursisterisn’tmadeofglass.MyGod,shesurvived

somethingthatwouldhavedestroyedalesserperson.She’snotfragile.Andshe’sdoneakickassjobof
healingherself.”

“You’reright,”Beausays.“She’snotfragile.Butshe’sours,sowearegoingtoaskthesequestions,

especiallygivenwhatshedidlivethrough.”

“Youknowthatshe’sadifferentpersonthanshewas,”Ireply,lookingmybestfriendsquareinthe

eyes.“She’s…Savannah.Shesmilesandlaughseasily,she’sconfidentinherself.She’shappy.AndIlike
tothinkthatIhaveahandinthat.”

“Youdo,”Elireplies.“SheandIspoke,andyouareanimportantpartofherhappinessthesedays.”
“Youlookgoodtogether,”Simonsays.“IknowI’mnewaroundhere,butwhenIfirstmether,

Savannahwasstillsortingitallout.I’dsayshehasitsorted.”

“Andit’saboutfuckingtimethatshe’shappy,”Rhyssays.
“Jesus,we’vetoldyouformonthstomakeamove,”Beauremindsme.“I’mgladyoufinallytookour

advice.”

“That’snotwhatIdid.”Ishakemyhead.“Ijustcouldn’thandleitanymore.Beingnearher,butnot

withher.Cananyofyouimaginethetortureofthat?Beingapartofyourwoman’slife,butnothavingher
asyourwoman?”

“No,”Rhyssays,shakinghishead.“Ican’timagineit.”
“Iloveher,”Isayagain.“AndI’llprotectherandloveherfortherestofmylife.”
“Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenBenquitethissentimental,”Simonsayswithagrin.“Goodforyou,

mate.”

Ishrug.“Despitethecutlip,andallthefeelings,I’mstillbadass.”
“Ofcourse,”Elisays.“We’llseejusthowbadassinthegymtomorrow.”
“I’mgoingtokickyourass.”

ChapterEleven

~Savannah~

“What’sthebiggestlieyou’veevertold?”Mysister-in-law,Callie,asksme.We’resittinginmy

livingroom,sippingwinewithKatewhiletheothersaregatheredinmydiningroomhavingtheirtarot
cardsreadbyMallory’sbestfriend,Lena.

Katethinksaboutitforawhileandthenshrugs.“Itrynottolie.Whataboutyou,Van?”
“I’mokay,”Ireplyandofferthembothasmile.“IusedtosayI’mokayalot.Iwasn’tokay.”
“Ihopeyouplantoneversaythatagainifitisn’ttrue,”Calliesays,swirlingherwineinherglass.
“Idon’thaveareasontoliethesedays.”Ismileastheimportanceofthatstatementbeginstoreally

sinkin.“Andthat’saprettycoolthing.”

“CoolestthingI’veeverheard,”Katesayswithanod.“I’mhappyforyou.Iwasworriedforyoufora

longtime,andthenIwasrelievedthatyouwereabletogetawayfromthatjackassmotherfuckerforever,
butnowthatIcanseehowatpeaceyouare,Ijustcouldn’tbehappier.”

“Don’tmakemecry,”Isay,pointingather.“Idon’twanttocrythisexpensivemascaraoff.”
“Okay.”Sheholdsherhandsupinsurrender.“I’mnotgoingtosayanymore,exceptattagirl.”
“Ohmygosh,youguys,”Gabbysaysassherushesintotheroom.“You’llneverguesswhatLenajust

toldme.”

“Thatyou’regoingtowinthelottery?”Iask,unabletokeepfromlaughingwhenGabbyglaresatme,

sighingbecauseI’vejuststolenherthunder.

“Funny.No,shesaidthatI’mgoingtoembarkonanewjourney.”
“Didsheusethewordembark?”Kateasksandsmirksintoherwineglass.
“Youguysarenofun,”Gabbyrepliesandstompsbackintothediningroom,hershoulderssaggingin

defeat.

“Ijustliketofliphershit,”IsaytoCallieandKate.“It’sprettymuchmyonlyjobasasister.Thiswas

fun.It’sbeentoolongsinceweallhungout.”

“Ihadagreattime,”Mallorysaysasshejoinsus.Sheflopsintoachair,lookingpleasantlyexhausted.

She’salreadystartedglowingwithherpregnancy.Hervioleteyesareshiningwithhappiness,andthe
smallsmileonherlipsgiveshertheIhaveanawesomesecrettilttoit.

Except,it’snosecret.Andit’smorethanawesome.
“Howhaveyoubeenfeeling?”Kateasks.
“Nothorrible,”shesays.“Imean,Ihavemomentsofnausea,andI’mquitesuresomeonekeeps

punchingmyboobsbecausetheyhurtlikecrazy,butotherwise,Ifeelhealthy.”

“Ihavetoask,”Isayandbitemylip.
“Youcanaskwhateveryoulike,”shesays,andIcanseethatshemeansit,soIdivein.
“I’mjustwondering,sinceyou’repsychic,canyoualreadytellthesexofthebaby?”
Shesmilessoftlyandlaysherhandoverherbelly.“Actually,yes,whichissurprisingbecauseIcan’t

seethefuture.Ihaven’ttoldBeauthatyet.IknewIwaspregnantbeforeItookatest.”

“Youneedtotellhim,soyoucantellus,”Calliesays.“BecauseIdon’tknowifyou’veheard,butthe

Boudreauxwomenliketobuybabystuff.It’sagoodthingyouandBeauhavethathugenewhouseto
accommodateitall.”

Mallorytucksherlongdarkhairbehindherear.Sherecentlycoloreditagain.
“Ilovethenewcolor,”Itellher.
“It’sactuallymynaturalcolor.SinceIcan’thavemyrootstouchedupwhileI’mpregnantIfiguredI’d

gobacktomynaturalcolorforawhile.”

“Ilikeit,”Isayagain.
“HowareyouandBendoing?”Callieasksandalleyesturntome.
“Hey!”Gabbycallstous.“Weallneedtobeinonthatconversation!”
“Well,thengetyourbuttsinhere,”Katecallsback.Withinminutes,Gabby,Charly,andLenajoinus

inthelivingroom.Somesharethecouch,otherssitonthefloor.

ItfeelslikeabirthdaypartysleepoverfromwhenIwasateenager.
Exceptwehavewinenow,sothere’sthat.
“Okay,”Gabbysaysasshewigglesherbottom,gettingcomfortableonthefloor.“Spillit.”
“BenandIaregood.”Ileaveitatthatandtakeasipofmywine.
“And?”Mallorysays.
“HaveyousaidtheIloveyousyet?”Charlyasks.
“Yes.”
“WHAT?”Gabbyexclaims,hereyeswideinhorror.“Andyoudidn’tcallme?”
“Well,itwasrightbeforewewereabouttomakelove,andIdidn’tthinkitwaspolitetoaskhimto

holdonwhileImadeaslewofphonecalls.”

“That’sfair,”Katesayswithanod.“Keepgoing.”
“Sonotfair,”Gabbywhispers.
“Yeah,keepgoing,”Callieadds.“Howwasthesex?”
“Comeon,guys.It’sBen.Howdoyouthinkthesexis?”
“Shehasapoint,”Mallorysayswithanod.
“Seriously,Benishot,”Lenaagrees.“Don’tworry,Iunderstandhe’sallyours,butI’msorry,I’ma

woman.Ihaveseenhim.”

“Don’tbesorry,”Ireply,wavingheroff.“Themanisridiculouslyperfectphysically.”
“Aslongasyoudon’tthinkhe’sperfectperfect,”Charlysays.
“He’sahumanbeing,justlikeme,andhe’sfarfromperfect.Buthe’sperfectforme.”Iclearmy

throat,suddenlyfeelingemotional,which,despitefeelingneartheedgeoftearsoverthepastcoupleof
weeks,isnewtome.It’sbeenalongtimesinceIletanythingaffectmetothepointoftears,andIdon’t
knowwhyI’msuddenlysoweepynow.“IguessthatIdidn’tknowhowbaditwasbeforeuntilI
discoveredhowgooditcanbe,youknow?”

“Itotallyunderstand,”Katesayswithanodandtearsofherown.
“Iknowyoudo,”Ireplyandreachovertosqueezeherhand.“AndIfeelstupid,likeIshouldhave

knownBenwastheoneformeallalong.”

“Hewasn’ttheoneforyouyet,”Mallorysaysquietly.“Peoplefitdifferentlyinourlivesatdifferent

times.Youweren’tmeanttobewithhimuntilnow,becauseyouweren’tthepersonyouareuntilnow.”

“Ibelievethat,”Isayslowly.“AndIwonderifwe’ddatedadecadeago,ifitwouldhavestuck.We

werebothyoung,andlikeMallorysaid,differentpeople.Thechemistrywasalwaysthere,atleastonmy
part.Fromwhathe’stoldme,hefeltitthen,too.Butwouldwehavereallyfalleninlove?I’mnotsosure.
Andifwehadfalleninlove,theoddsofitsurvivingthroughcollegeareprobablysmaller.”

“I’msohappyforyou,”Charlysaysanddabsathereyes.“Watchingwhatyouwentthroughwasthe

greatesttortureofmylife.”

“Ithinkit’ssafetosayweallfeltthatway,”Gabbysaysandtheothersnod.
“EventhoughIdidn’tmeetyouuntilafteritallhappened,”Calliesays,“Iknewthatyou’dbeentohell

andback.Noonedeservesthat.”

“Buteveryonedeservestohaveanamazingpersonintheirlife,”Lenasaysandthensmilesruefully.

“AndnowthatIhaveMasoninmylife,Iactuallybelieveit.”

“Itoldyouthatyouwouldn’tbesingleforever,”Malsays,smilingatherfriend.
“Theimportantthing,”Lenasayswitharolloftheeyes,“isthatSavannahishappyandsafe.”

“Veryhappyandsafe,”Ireplywithasatisfiedgrin.“Andwellsexed.Ishouldn’ttellyouguysthis—”
“Nowyouhavetotell,”Calliesays.
“Absolutely.Thisistheconeofsilence.”ThisisfromGabby,whonodssolemnly.
“She’scutoff,”Calliesayswithalaugh.
“Seriously,talk,”Charlysays.
“So,Benhasapiercing.”
There’ssilenceforamomentwhiletheyallstareatme,andthenCalliegasps.
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Whatkindofpiercing?”Kateasks,notcatchingon.“Certainlynothisearsorhisface.That’snot

Ben’sstyle.”

“You’reright.Notonhisface.HehasaPrinceAlbert,”IblurtandthencovermymouthasifIcan’t

believeIjusttoldthem.Butthesearemysisters.Itellthemeverything.

“Holyshit,”Lenasays.
“Doesitdowhattheysay?”Callieasks.
“Ohyeah.”
“Luckybitch,”Charlysays,butthenshrugsitoff.“WhoamIkidding?Simonmaynothavehisdick

pierced,buthe’sfuckingamazinginthesack.”

“I’msorelievedtohearthat,darling,”themanhimselfsaysashewalksintotheroom,followedbyall

ofmybrothersandBen.

Ben,whoiscurrentlystaringatmeindisbelief.
“Oh,lord.”
“Youtoldthem?”heasksindisbelief.
“Well,Imean,maybe.ButIdidn’ttellthemanythingspecificaboutthesexitself.”
“IthinkI’dratheryoutoldthemthat,”hesaysandpicksmeupoutofmyseat,sitsdownandsettlesme

inhislapwhileeveryonelooksonwithamixtureofshockandswoon.“Hi,Angel.”

“Hi.”
“Whichoneoftheseassholesbloodiedyourlip?”Iask,immediatelyconcernedatthecutonhislip,

andthebruisealonghisjaw.“I’llkicktheirassanddefendyourhonor.”

“Noneed,”hesaysandkissesmyshoulder.“Noneofthemdidthis.Theycan’ttakeme.”
“Standingrighthere,man,”Elisayswithasmirk.
“I’lltellyouaboutitlater,”Benadds.“Didyoumissme?”
“Yes.”
“Oh,sweetbabyJesus,”Charlymutters.“They’reinfull-onmushmode.”
“You’remushy,”Calliesaystoher.“EversinceyoumetSimon,yourfacegoesallgooeywhenhe

walksinaroom.”

“Isthattrue?”SimonasksCharlyandpullshertoherfeetsohecanplantthekissofthecenturyonher.
“Well,maybe,”sheadmits.“Let’sgohome.”
“Let’s.IhavetoremindyouthatI’mfuckingamazinginthesack,despitemylackofmetal.”
Shewavesastheyleave.Overthenextfifteenminutes,therestofthemleave,givingMalloryand

Beauextrahugsofcongratulations.

“You’renext,”Gabbysaystomewithawink,butIjustshrug.Itellmysisterseverything,butIhaven’t

beenstrongenoughtotellthemthat.

Malloryhugsmeandpausesasherarmsclosearoundme.Finally,shewhispersinmyear,“Some

childrenarebornfromtheheart,notthebody.Rememberthat.”

IhavetobitemyliptokeepfromcryingasshestepsawayandletsBeauleadheroutofthehouse.
Wheneveryoneisgone,Isitonthecouchwithalong,gustysigh.“Ilovethemallsomuchithurts.But

dearMoses,that’salotofstrongpersonalityinoneroom.”

“I’malwaysexhaustedafterfamilygatherings,”Bensays.
“Comesitwithmeandtellmewhathappenedtoyourface.”Ipattheseatnexttomine,andhe

complies,pullingmeagainsthimandkissingmytemple.

“Itwasjustaweirdmuggingoutsideofthestudio.”
“Awhat?”Ifrownupathimandcan’tresistreachinguptotouchthecutonhislip.“Thatlooks

painful.”

“Itisabitpainful,”headmits.“Idon’tknowwhotheywere.Theydidn’ttrytomugme,theyjust

wantedtobeatmeup.GotafewswingsinbeforeEthancameoutsideandthentheyran.Ithinkitwas
plottedbyanexofoneofthegirlsinShelly’sclass.”

Ifrown.“Idon’tlikethesoundofthat.”
“Itdidn’tfeelgreateither.”
“Notjustthat.Didyouconsiderthatthemenwhoabusedthosewomenmightcometotakerevengeon

you?”

“Notuntilnow.”Hedragshisfingerunderthehemofmyshirt,touchingmybareskin.“Mymainfocus

wasgettingyouinaclass,andhelpingotherwomenwhohadbeenhurtaswell.”

“Thankyou,”Iwhisper.“Beingthereeveryweekhasdonewondersforme.”
“Andforothers,too.IshouldhaveconsideredthepossibilitythatI’dbepissingoffsomehusbands

andboyfriends.”

“Iguessit’sjustapartoftheterritory.”
Henodsthoughtfully.
“Ethansuggestedthatweputinsomesecuritycamerasoutside,andIdon’tthinkit’sabadidea.”
“Didyougetsomeshotsinonthemtoo?”
“No,therewerefourofthem.”
“What?”Isitupstraight,staringathiminsurprise.“Jesus,Ben,theycouldhavekilledyou.”
“Nowyou’rejustinsultingme.”HecocksaneyebrowandIcan’thelpbutchuckle.
“Thisisn’tfunny.Don’tmakemelaugh.”
“Iknow,itisn’tfunny.”
Ileanbackintohim,andhewinces.Iliftthesideofhisshirtandsuckinabreathatthesightofabig

blackbruisethere.Myeyesfindhis.

“Lookslikeoneofthemgotinagoodshottomyribs.”
“IthinkyoushouldsoakinsomeEpsomsalts,”Iinformhim.“Ihavesome.”
“Onlyifyousoakwithme.”
“Nodistractingmewithsex,mister.You’rehurt.”
“TrustmewhenIsay,I’mnevertoohurttowanttobeinsideofyou,Savannah.”
Iblinkrapidly,notsurehowtoreplytothat,soIjuststandandwalkquicklyuptomymaster

bathroom.Iturnonthehotwaterinthetub,dumpinaboutacupoftheEpsomsaltsandturntofindBen
leaningagainstthedoorjamb,hismusculararmscrossedoverhischest,watchingmeintently.

“Seesomethingyoulike?”
Henodstwice.
“Thebath?”
Heshakeshisheadno.
“TheEpsomsalts?”
Noagain.Finally,hewalkstomeandturnsmetofacethemirror.Hestandsbehindmeandleansinto

kissmyneck,sendingachainreactionofshiversthroughme.

“Ilovedthewayyoujustleanedoverthetub,”hewhispers.
“Yep,you’reaman.”

Hisgazefindsmineinthemirrorashestartsstrippingmeoutofmyclothes.
“You’retheonewho’ssupposedtobegettingnaked,”Iinformhim,butdon’ttrytostophimwhenhe

pullsmyshirtovermyhead.

“It’swaymorefunwhenwe’rebothnaked,Angel.”
“Ican’targuewiththat.”
Afterquicklystrippingoutofhisclothes,webothgetintothebath,leaningagainstoppositecorners

andwatchingtheother.Hesinksdownandcloseshiseyes,andIfollowsuit.

“Thisfeelssogood,”Iwhisper.“Idon’ttakeenoughbaths.”
“I’llrunyouoneeverynightifyoulike,”hemurmurs.Iopenmyeyestofindhimwatchingmelazily,

buttheintenselookinhisgazemakesmypussypulseinattention.

“Thatsoundsnice.”
Hislipstwitchandhereachesformyfoot,digshisthumbintomyarch,andmakesmemoanin

pleasure.

“Speakingofnicethings.”
“MoanlikethatagainandI’llfuckyouhereinthetub.”
Myeyessnapopenathisgruff,sexytone.He’swatchinghisownhandsrubupanddownmycalf,then

backtomyfoot.Hishandsarejust…magic.Puresexymagic.

“SoIcalledyourtattooguy.”I’mleaningbackagainstthetub,myeyesclosed,enjoyingthehotwater

andBen’samazingfingersonmybody.

“Oh?”
“Yeah.”Dearfuckinghell,don’tstoprubbingmycalflikethat.“Irescheduledmyappointmentfor

tomorrowafternoon.”

Hedoesn’tsayanythinginresponse,soIopenoneeyesoIcanseehim.There’sacreasebetweenhis

eyebrowsfromconcentratingonhistaskathand.

“Didyouhearme?”
“Idid.”
“Willyougowithme?Please?”
Hiseyesroamupmybody,skimmingovereverycurve,untiltheyfindmine.
“Ithoughtyousaidthatyoudidn’twantmetoseeyougetit?”
“Ididsaythat.”Isinkdownfartherintothehotwater.“ButIchangedmymind.I’mallowedtodo

that.”

“Yes,ma’am.Whattime?”
“Two.”
Heswitchestomyotherfoot,andpartofmefeelsalittleguilty.He’stheonewhogotbeatuptonight,

andI’mtheonegettingpampered.

“Icantakeyou,”hesays.“Wouldyouliketogovisitmymomwithmebefore?I’dliketolookinon

herandseehowSally’sdoingwithher.”

“Iwouldlovethat.”
“Deal.”
We’requietforalongwhile.JustthesoundofthewaterfillstheroomasBencontinuestomassage

myfootandleg,untilfinally,Ijustcan’tstanditanymore.

Ineedhim.
Rightnow.
He’ssurprisedwhenIpullmyfootaway,andthenhiseyesheatupwhenImoveovertohim,not

givingevenonefuckthatsomewatersplashesovertherimofthetub,andstraddlehim.Myhandsroam
uphisarmsandshouldersandIsettlemyselfdown,pressingagainstthelengthofhisalreadyhardcock.

“Ihatethatyouwerehurttonight,”Iwhisperagainsthislips.“I’mtryingtotakecareofyou,but

insteadyou’resharingyourbathwithmeandrubbingmyfeet.”

“Noone’skeepingscore,Angel.”
Iliftmyhipsupandthenslowlysinkdownontohim,takinghimfullyinsideme,andthensitstill

whilehekissesmesenseless.Hewrapshisarmsaroundme,huggingmetohim,andthenthoseamazing
handsofhistakeatripupmyback,downmysides,andtomyass.Hegripsme,notgently,andguidesme
inaslowupanddownrhythm,keepingusbothteeteringontheedgeofsanity.

He’sstaringintomyeyes,breathinghard,asIridehim.Finally,Ican’tstanditanymore.Ipushdown

andgrindmyclitonhispubicbone,leaningmyforeheadagainsthisastheorgasmshuddersthroughme.
I’mstillquiveringwhenhestiffensandsuccumbshimself.

Ipushmyfingersthroughhishairandkisshischeeks,hisnose,hisforehead.
“Youarethebestpartofmylife,”hewhispers.
“Same.”Ismile.“Same.”

ChapterTwelve

~Ben~

“Sothat’syouroutfittoday?”Iaskasshepusheshersunglassesontoherfaceandreachesforher

purse.

“Yeah.”Shelooksdownatherselfandthenupatmewithafrown.“What’swrongwithit?”
“There’snothingwrongwithit,butI’mgoingtobethinkingaboutgettingyououtofitallfuckingday

andwe’regoingtoseemymom.”

Shesmirksandsauntersoutofherhouseaheadofme,herchinupandstrideconfident.She’sinsome

sexyblueheelswithblackpantsandahotblackandwhiteflowyshirtthingthatgivesmehintsofher
curvesasshemoves.

Ialreadyknowwhat’sundertheshirt,andIwantmyhandsonit.
Ineverstopwantingher,nomatterwhatshe’swearing.
“I’mquitesureyoucankeepyourhandstoyourselfwhilewevisityourmama,”shesaysaswepull

awayfromherhouse.“You’reastrongman.”

“StrongenoughtoripthatshirtoffofyousoIcangetmymouthonyou,”Imurmurandenjoythelook

ofpurelustandsurpriseshetossesmefromthepassengerseat.“It’snosecretthatIwantyou.”

“No,Ijusthavetogetusedtoyousayingit.”
“Iplantosayitalot,andI’mnotgoingtocensormyselfwhenwe’realone.Idon’twantyouto

either.”

“Trustme,Idon’tcensormyself.Andbeingsurprisednowandagainisfun.ButnowI’msittinghere

withwetpantiesandwe’reabouttogoseeyourmom.”

Nowit’smyturntotossherasurprisedglance.Fuckinghellshe’ssexy,andwhenwordslikethose

leaveherplumpredlips,allIcanthinkofdoingispullingthiscaroverandfuckingherrighthereinthe
driver’sseatofmycar.

“We’llmakeupforitlater,”IpromiseasIpullintomymom’sdriveway.Beforeshecangetoutofthe

car,Ipullhertomeandkissthefuckoutofher.I’mrockhard,andeventhoughIjusthadherthismorning,
Iwantheragain.“Thisevening,I’mgoingtodothingstoyouthatyoudidn’tevenknowwerepossible.”

“DoIneedasafeword?”sheasks,herlipstippedinasmirk.
“Never.You’realwayssafewithme.”
Sherollshereyesandreachesforthedoorhandle.“Obviously.Butmaybeyouwanttotrysomebutt

stuff,andinthatcase,I’llhavetosaypurple.”

“Whypurple?”
“BecauseIhatethecolorpurplealmostasmuchasIhatebuttstuff.”
Ifrown,immediatelywonderingifthatwashersafewordwiththeasshole,orhowmuchanalplayhe

madeherengagein,anditmakesmyheadfeellikeit’sgoingtoexplode.

“Don’toverthinkit,”shesaysandcupsmycheekinherhand.“I’mplayingwithyou.”
“Iknow.Butweshouldprobablyhaveaconversationsoon.”
Shenods.“Probably.Butfirst,we’regoingtovisityourmama,andthenI’mgettingsomenewink.”
ShesmileslikeayounggirlexcitedforChristmasmorningandthenpullsherselfoutofmycar.
Itakeadeep,cleansingbreathandfollowbehindher.
Sallyopensthedoorwithawarmsmile.“Hey,Ben.”
“Hi,Sally.ThisisSavannah.”
SallyshakesVan’shandandstepsbacksowecanwalkinside.“Yourmamaisinthelivingroom.”
InodandfindMomsittingatacardtable,puttingapuzzletogether.Herinjuredfootisuponastool.

“Hi,sweetboy,”shesayswithahappysmile.Ileandownandkisshercheek.“Oh,youbroughtmy

favoriteBoudreauxwithyou.”

“We’reallyourfavorites,”VansaysandgivesMomahug.“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Oh,justfine.”Momwavesherquestionoffandpointstothechairsfacingher.“Haveaseat,you

two.”

“Justletmeknowifyouneedanything,”Sallysaysbeforediscreetlyleavingthethreeofustotalk.
VanandIsitnexttoeachotherandIimmediatelyreachforherhand,threadingourfingerstogether.I

kissherknucklesandglanceuptoseemymomsmilingwidely,watchingusclosely.

“Well,isn’tthatlovely.”
“ItoldyouonthephonethatVanandIwereseeingeachother.”
“Yes,butnowIcanseeitwithmyowntwoeyes.”Sheshiftsinherchair.“Andletmejustsay,it’s

aboutdamntime.”

“Notyoutoo,”Savannahsayswithashortlaugh.“Yousoundjustlikemyfamily.”
“Noneofusareblind,child,”shesaysgently.“YourmamaandIhavetalkedaboutthetwoofyoufor

years.”

“Soeveryonetalksaboutusbehindourbacks,”Vansayswithsass,makingMomlaugh.
“Ofcoursewedo,darlin’.We’resouthernwomen.”
“I’vemissedyou,MissMillie.Ineedtocomeseeyoumoreoften.”
“Well,thatwouldbeadelight.”Sheshiftshergazetome.“Whathappenedtoyourface?”
“Ihaveasplitlip.”
“Icanseethat.Howdidyougetit?”
“Someguythrewapunch,”Ireply,evadingthequestionasmuchaspossible.Mamaworriesenough

already.“Iendedit.”

“Inclass?”
“Yes,”Ilie.Vantightenshergriponmyhand,butIdon’telaborateonthestoryandMomisalready

askingquestionsabouttheothersiblingsandhowthebusinessesaregoing.

“HasGabbybeenbusyoutattheinn?”sheasksandsmilesatSallywhenshecomesinwithatrayof

teaandcookies.“Thankyou,dear.”

“Mypleasure.”Sallyleavestheroomagain,andIswoopinforacoupleofcookies.
“Thesearedamngood.”
“Sallyisanexcellentcook,”Momsaysandtakesabiteofacookie.“Butbacktotheinn.”
“Ithinkthey’reprettybusy,”Vansaysandpoursherselfsometea.“Thisisaslowerseason,soshe

mighthaveanightortwohereandtherethatshe’snotfull,butIknowthatthebusinessisthriving.”

“That’swonderful,”Momreplies.“I’msohappythatshe’sturnedthatbighouseintosomething

special.Itwasalwaysabeautifulhome,butnowthatallofyouaregrownup,andyourdaddy’sgone,
yourmamawouldn’thavemuchuseforit.”

“I’mhappythatit’sstayedinthefamily,”Vanagrees.“AndGabbyhasreallymadeitbeautiful.You

andmymomshouldmakeareservationandgospendaweekendoutthere.”

“Oh,thatwouldbewonderful.I’llmentionittoher.”
“Iwouldliketohearhowyou’redoingwithSally,”Vansaysandtakesasipofhertea.“Sheseems

nice.”

“Shereallyisanicewoman,”Momsays.
“Ofcourse,youwouldn’tsayanythingbadaboutapersoneveniftheyweren’tnice,”Vansays.“I

knowhowyouare,MissMillie.”

“Well,there’snoneedtotalkillofpeople,”Momremindsusboth.“ButIcanhonestlysaythatSally

isadelighttohavearound.She’ssmart,andshecooksverywell.Shedoesn’tletmewinatcards,andshe
likessomeofthesameshowsasme.”

“That’sgreat,”Vansays.Sheleansovertosqueezemymom’shand.
MyGod,Ilovethiswoman.Sheadoresmymom,andgenuinelyworriesforher.She’scompletely

focusedonbeinginthemomentwithMomrightnow,andI’msurprisedtorealizethatIdon’tthinkI’ve
everbeenmoreattractedtoherasIaminthismoment.

She’snotjustbeautifulandeverythingIcouldeverwantinbed.
She’sthoughtfulandkind.
Andshe’smine.
“ItoldBenIwantedtocomehereassoonaspossibletomakesurethatSallyistreatingyouwell.”
“Ohyes,we’rejustfine.Iwasn’tsureabouthavingsomeonehereallthetime.Idon’tneeda

babysitter,andyourmamaisjustnextdoor.ButIadmitthatit’snicetohavethecompany.Andsheleaves
justafterdinner,sothatgivesmeacoupleofhourstomyselfbeforebed.”

“That’sperfect,”Vansayswitharelievedsmile.“Andhowisyourfoothealingup?”
“Youknowme,I’malwaysslowtoheal,butit’snotgivingmetoomuchtrouble.Ijustwalkslow,and

withacane.Andletmetellyousomething,thatcanehasgottogoassoonaspossible.Ilooklikeanold
womanwithit.”

“You’rebeautiful,”Imurmur.Mom’scheekspinkenandshewinksatme.
“You’reacharmer.Isthathowhesnaggedyou,Savannah?”
“Actually,no.Hewasn’tterriblycharmingwhenwedecidedtogivethisago.”
“Really?”Momfrownsatme.“Itaughthimbetterthanthat.”
“Actually,”Savannahcontinues,“hewasgreat.Hewasn’tcharming,buthewashonest,andhe’s

alwaysnothingbutconsiderateandgentlewithme.”

“That’sbetter,”Momsayswithasatisfiednod.“Goodboy.”
IlaughasVan’sphonerings.“I’msogladthatmymomdoesn’ttreatmelikeI’mfourteen.”
Thesarcasmisthickinmyvoice.
“I’msorry,Ihavetotakethiscall.It’stheoffice.”Vanstandsandwalksoutoftheroom,already

focusedonwhomeverhascalled.

“You’renotachild.You’reaman,andyou’retreatingthislovelygirlthewayamanshouldtreather.

I’mproudofyouforthat.”

“Arewegoingtotalkaboutourfeelingsallday?”
Momrollshereyesandthenjustsmilesatme.“Nowthatshe’soccupied,howisitreallygoing?”
“She’samazing,”Ireplyhonestly.Mymomhasalwaysbeeneasytotalkto.“Iknewyearsagothatshe

wasspecial.Weallknewit.”

“Wedid,”sheconfirms,andquietlywaitsformetocontinue.
“Butshe’smore.”Irubmyhandthroughmyhair,tryingtothinkofwordsthatadequatelydescribehow

IfeelforSavannah.“She’severything.”

Momsmiles.“Icertainlyhopeyouplantomarryher.Iwantgrandchildren.”
Ilaughandnod.“It’sstillearly,butyes.Iplantobewithherfortherestofmylife.Idon’tknowabout

kids,butshe’sitforme.”

“I’msohappyforyouboth,”MomsaysjustasSavannahreturns.
“I’msorryaboutthat,”shesaysandtossesherphoneinherbag,thensitsinherchair.“DidImiss

anythinggood?”

“He’sjusttellingmesecrets,”MomsaysandthenlaughswhenVanstaresatmewithwideeyes.“I’m

kidding.I’msohappyyoubothstoppedintoday.I’dliketoseeyoumoreoften.”

“I’dlikethattoo,”Savannahsayswithanod.“YoushouldcometoMama’shousefordinnerthis

Sunday.”

“IthinkImightjustdothat,”MomrepliesandsmilesagainwhensheseesVanreachoutformyhand.

She’sprobablyalreadyplannedthewholedamnweddinginherhead.

Savannahchecksthetime.
“Ihatetocutthisshort,butmyappointmentisinaboutahalfhour.”
“Weshouldgo,”Ireply.“Justcallmeifyouneedanything.I’vealreadygivenSallythesameorder,

andshehasmycellnumber.”

“I’mfine.”Momtiltsherhead,waitingformetokisshercheek.“Goliveyourlife,myboy.”

***

“Sallyseemsreallygreat,”VansaysaswepulloutofMom’sdrivewayandheadtoherappointmentat

myinkshop.“Andprofessional,whichiskey.”

“Iagree.I’mcomfortablewithherbeingthere.MuchmorecomfortablethanwhenMomwasby

herself.”

Vannods.
“Ihaveaconfession.”
Iglanceoveratherandthenbacktotheroad.“Okay.”
“Idon’tlikeneedles.”
Ifrown.“You’vehadatattoobefore.”
“Iknow,andIdidn’tlikeittheneither,butitwasonthebackofmyneck,soIcouldn’tseeit.”
“Whereareyougettingthisone?”
Sheshakesherheadandkeepstalking,evadingmyquestion.
“So,Imightbefreakingoutabit.I’mnotridiculous.Idon’tpassoutorthrowuporanything.”
“That’sencouraging.”
“ButIreallydon’tlikethem.”
“Andyouweregoingtodothisbyyourself?”
Shescowls.“Well,yeah.I’mnotaweanie,Ben.”
I’munabletoholdtheburstoflaughterin.“No.Thatyou’renot.”
“Stoptryingtodistractme.”
“You’regoingtobefine,Van.I’llbetheretoholdyourhand.”
Shesmiles.“That’sniceofyou.”
“Yeah,I’maniceguy.”
Shesnortsandshakesherhead.“Andhumble.”
“That,too.”
IpullintotheparkinglotandfollowVaninside.Myguy,Buck,isstandingatthecounter.
“Hey,man,”Bucksaysandshakesmyhand.“Ican’ttakeyouasawalkintoday.Ihavean

appointmentrightnow.”

“I’myourappointment,”Vansays.“Andhe’swithme.”
Buckcocksabrow.“Savannah?”
“Yep.”
“Nicetomeetyou.”Heholdshishandoutforhersandsheimmediatelyshakesit.“Doyouhavewhat

youwantwithyou?”

“Ido.”Shereachesinherhandbagandtakesoutafoldedpieceofpaper.Shesmoothesitoutand

passesittoBuck.“Iwantexactlythis.”

“Thiswon’ttakelongatall.Wheredoyouwantit?”
Sheglancesatme,andthensays,“Onmyside,likethis.”Shegesturesonherside,upanddown,andI

cringe.

That’sgonnahurt.
“Wecandothat,”Spidersayswithanod.“I’mgonnagointhebackandmakeastencilforthisand

we’llgetstarted.”

“Great.”

Savannahlinksherfingerswithmineandholdsontight.She’snervous,butasidefromthevisegripon

myhand,you’dneverknowit.

Shelookscoolandcalm.
Ileandownandwhisperinherear.“You’redoinggreat.”
“Nothing’shappenedyet,”sheremindsme.
Injustafewminutes,Buckreturnswithawetstencil.HegesturesforVantolieonhistable,onher

side,andshepullshershirtupunderherarmpit.

She’snotwearingabra.
Fuckme.
“I’mgoingtoputthisonyou,andthenyoucangolookinthemirrortomakesureyoulikeit.Wecan

moveitasmanytimesasyouneed.”

“Okay,”Vansayswithasmile.Buckpressesthestencilon,andwhenheremovesthepaper,Icansee

whatitsays.

StillIrise.
Thefontissimple.It’snotswirlyorovertlyfeminine.
It’sperfectforher.
Shestandsandlooksinthemirror,andcomesbackwithabigsmileonthatgorgeousfaceofhers.
“Thisisgreat.ExactlywhatIhadinmind.”
“Okay,let’sgettoworkthen.”
SheliesbackdownandIsitsoshe’sfacingme.Buckissittingbehindher.Itakeherhandandkissher

knuckles.

“Ready?”Iask.
“Yes.”ShebitesherlipwhenBuckstartsthetattoomachine.
“It’sjustnoise.”
ShenodsandgripsmyhandtighterasBuckbegins.IkissherforeheadandthenhercheekandIcan’t

resistwhisperinginherear.

“You’resofuckingsexy.”Thewordsarebarelyaudible,butshebitesherlipagainatmywords,andI

knowshecanhearme.

Idon’twantBucktohearme.
“Youamazemeeveryday.Thistattooisbeautiful.”
“It’simportant,”shewhispersback,andIfeelmyheartcatch.Thistattooisaremindertoherselfof

whatshe’sbeenthrough,andsheroseaboveit.

“Soimportant,”Iagree.
“Jesus,theyweren’tlyingwhentheysaidribtattooshurt.”Sheholdsherbreath.“Myneckwasn’t

nearlythisbad.”

“We’rehalfdonealready,”Buckreplies.“Andyou’redoinggreat.”
“See?Itoldyou.”Ikissherlipssoftly.“Breathe,Angel”
Shetakesadeepbreathandletsitoutslowly.“Keeptalking.Itdistractsme.”
Ilowermylipstoherearagainandkeepwhispering.Jesus,Ihadnoideathatwatchinghergetink

couldturnmeonlikethis.Ifeellikethisisjustasintimateasanythingelsewe’veshared.

“Iwantyou,”Iwhisper.“Iwantyoueveryday.AndI’mnottalkingaboutsex,sweetheart.Iwant

you.”

Shesmilessoftly.
“Iwantyou,too.”
“Youhavethecutestlittlefreckleunderyourarm,”Icontinue.“Iwanttokissyouthere.”
“Thefrecklewouldlikethat.”
“ThereareathousandotherthingsIwanttodotoyou.”

“Wehaveplentyoftimeforyoutodothosethings,”shesaysaroundawincewhenBuckglidesthe

needleoveraparticularlytenderspot.“Ishealmostdone?”

“I’mdone,”Bucksaysandsoaksapieceofgauzeandwashestheexcessinkoff.“Youcangolookin

themirrorbeforeIcoverit.”

Shejumpsupandhurriestothemirror,thengrinshappilyatBuck’shandiwork.
“It’sperfect.Iloveit.”
“Good.”Buckcoversthewoundandgivesherinstructionsonaftercare.“Youhavethisguyfor

questions.He’sanexpertattattoocare.”

“I’vedonemyresearch,”shesaysandpasseshimhercreditcard.“Thankyousomuch.”
“Mypleasure.”
“Areyousore?”Iaskaswesettleintomycaranddriveaway.
“Alittle,”shesays.“Butit’snotbad.It’snotahugetattoo.”
“It’llhealfast.Whatareyourplansfortheweekend?”
“Householdchores,mostly.Laundryandgroceryshopping.IthoughtImightreadabit.”
“Spenditwithme.”
Shesmiles.“Iwashopingyou’dsaythat.”
“I’mtakingtheweekendoffofthegym,”Ireply.“Ineedtostopbytheretowrapupacoupleofthings

fortheweekandthenI’mallyours.”

“Whileyoudothat,whydon’tIrunhomeandgathersomethingsfortheweekend?It’llbeeasierthan

bouncingbackandforthforclothesandstuff.”

“Iloveawomanwhoknowshowtomulti-task.”
“Womenareexpertsatmulti-tasking,”sheremindsme.“ButI’llneedtoborrowyourJeep.”
“Noproblem.”Ipullupinfrontofmybuildingandleavethekeysinitaswebothgetoutandmeeton

thesidewalkforalongkiss.“Drivesafely.”

“Yes,sir.”
Herlipstwitchinhumor.
“I’llbedonehereinaboutthirtyminutes.”
“That’sperfecttiming.”Shekissesmeoncemoreandthenwalksaroundthecartothedriver’sside,

tossingmeasassysmileassheopensthedoor.“I’llseeyouinalittlebit.”

Iwaveasshepullsawayandthenwalkinsidewhereit’scool.Thereisoneclassinsession,and

anotherprivatelessongoingoninthesmallerdojo.Ethanisatthedeskscowlingatthecomputer.

“Thiscreditcardsystemisfuckingannoying,”hesays.
“Hellotoyoutoo,”Ireply.“GetBethanytodothatstuff.That’swhatIpayherfor.”Bethanyisour

officegirl,andshe’sbeenwithusforoverayear.She’sgoodatherjob.

“Igaveherthenightoff.Sheandherhusbandhaveaweddingtogototonight.”
“Whatabout—”Myphonerings,andIglanceatthescreen.It’sVan.“Hi,sweetheart.”
“Ben?”She’scrying,andI’minstantlyonhighalert.
“What’swrong?”
“I…I…”
“Slowdown.Whathappened?”
“I’msosorry,Ben.”
“Whereareyou?”
“Aboutamilefrommyhouse.”
“I’mcomingtofindyou.Don’thangup,Angel.Doyouhearme?”
“Yes.”
EthanthrowsmehiscarkeysandIrunouttohiscar.MyheartisbeatingsofastthatIcanbarelyhear

herthroughtherushinginmyears.

“Didyougetintoanaccident?”
“Iguessso.”
“Van?Talktome,baby.”
“Thebrakeswouldn’twork,”shesaysandmybloodrunscold.“Ihadtostop,buttheywouldn’t

work.”

IcanseemyJeepupahead,plowedintoatrafficsignalpole.
“I’mhere.I’mrighthere.”

ChapterThirteen

~Savannah~

BenwavesmeoffintherearviewmirrorasIpullawayfromthecurb,headedtomyhouse.Howlong

canwecontinuetomaintaintwohouses?Imean,Idon’twanttojumpthegunoranything,andIknowit
seemsfast,butIdon’twanttosleepwithouthim.Wespendalmosteverynighttogetheranyway.

Butthethoughtofsellingmybeautifulhouse,especiallynowthatit’sfinishedbeingremodeled,

doesn’texciteme.AndIknowthatBenhasputalotofworkintohishousetoo.It’sperfectforhim.I
doubthewouldwanttosellit.

Andifthisisthebiggestissueinourrelationship,I’dsaywe’redoingverywell.
Ismirkasthelightaheadturnsyellowandthenred.Ipressmyfootonthebrake,butnothinghappens.
Nothingfuckinghappens.
Igripthewheeltightlyandtryagain,buthiscarwon’tstop.It’snotevenslowingdown,certainlynot

enoughtostopatthelight.

“OhmyGod.”
Ican’tgothroughtheintersection;I’llcauseahugeaccident.There’snooneonthesidewalk,thank

God,soIjerkthewheelandaimforasignalpost,hittingitsquarely.

Theairbagdeploys,smackingmeintheface.Iseestarsandshakemyhead.Jesus,thathurt.
ButallIcandoisworrythatIcouldhavehurtsomeone.
“Areyouokay?”Someoneyellsthroughthewindow.Itrytoopenthedoor,butmyfingersareshaking

soviolently,Ican’tgripthedoorhandle.IsthatmebreathinglikeIjustranamarathon?

“Openit!”Iyell,andthestrangercomplies.Thedooropens,lettinginfreshairandthesmellofa

crushedfrontend.“Damnit.”

“Hey,areyouokay?”Thestrangerasksagain,hisvoicefullofconcern.Helayshishandonmy

shoulder,nothardbutwithauthority,makingmestayinmyseatwhenIwouldjumpoutofthecarto
surveythedamage.“Isanythingbroken?”

“Idon’tthinkso,”Iimmediatelyreplyandfeeltearsspringtomyeyes.“OhmyGod.”
“It’sokay,”thestrangersays.“I’llstaywithyouuntilyoucalmdownandsomeonecomestogetyou.”
“You’renice,”Iwhisperandstruggletocalmmybreathing.“Whydidn’tthebrakeswork?”
“Excellentquestion,”hesaysgrimlyandIreachformyphonetocallBen.
“Hi,sweetheart.”
“Ben?”Justthesoundofhisvoicetriggersthetears.I’msuddenlysobbing,andIcan’tcontrolit.Ican

barelyspeak,andIcan’tpullanyairintomylungs.

“What’swrong?”Hisvoiceisonedgenow,worried.
“I…I…”
“Slowdown.Whathappened?”
“I’msosorry,Ben.”
“Whereareyou?”
“Aboutamilefrommyhouse.”
“I’mcomingtofindyou.Don’thangup,Angel.Doyouhearme?”
ThankGod.Yes,comefindme!
“Yes.”
“Didyougetintoanaccident?”
“Iguessso.”Iglancearound,buttheairbagisinmyway.Icanbarelyseecarsdrivepastandpeople

gawkingthroughtheirwindows.Someonetakesapicture.Therearevoices,butthestrangerstandsquietly

nexttome.

“Van?Talktome,baby.”
“Thebrakeswouldn’twork,”IsayasItrytocatchmybreathandcalmdown.“Ihadtostop,butthey

wouldn’twork.”

“I’mhere.”Ispinaround,lookingforhim,butIdon’tseehim.Istepoutofthecarnow,andthe

strangermustbeconvincedthatI’mokaybecausehestepsaway,allowingmepasthim.“I’mrighthere,”
Bensays.

AcarIdon’trecognizeparksbehindBen’sJeepandBenjumpsoutofthedriver’sside,runningatme.
“Ben.”
“I’mhere,”hesaysagainandgripsmyshouldersinhishands,studyingmyface.“Areyouhurt?”
“Idon’tthinkso.Justscared.”
Helooksmeover,satisfiedwithwhathesees.Icanhearsirenscoming.
“Didsomeonecallthepolice?”Bencallsout.
“Idid,”thestrangerwho’sbeenwithmesays,makingmefrown.Ididn’thearhimdothat.“They’re

ontheway.”

“Thankyou,”Bensays.He’srubbingcirclesonmyback,andI’mfinallycalmingdown.Iwipethe

tearsfrommyface.“Whathappened?”heasksme.

“Ipressedthebrakesandtheyjustdidn’trespond.”Ifrownandstudythesteamingfrontendofhiscar.

“Icouldn’tchancerunningthelightandhittinganothercar,so—”

“Youdidtherightthing,”hesaysimmediatelyandpullsmetohiminthebesthugever.Hishandsare

strongonmyback,andhischestissolidagainstmycheek.“Areyousureyou’reokay?”

“I’mfine,”Ireplyandkisshissternumbeforelookingupathim.“Justshookup.Airbagsaren’tfun.

I’msorryaboutyourcar.”

“Fuckthecar,”hesayswithashakeofthehead.“You’reallI’mworriedabout,Angel.”
Andcuethedamnbutterflies.Nottomention,tearsarethreateningagain,butItakeadeepbreathand

trulytakementalstockofmybody.Myshoulderisabitsorefromtheseatbelt,butotherwiseIreallydo
physicallyfeelfine.

ThepolicearriveandforthenextthirtyminutesI’mcaughtupinthehustleandbustleofgivinga

statement,Bencallingforatowtruck,andthenhandingmethephonewithBeauontheotherend.

“Vanny?”Beauasks.“Areyouokay?”
“BentoldyouIam,”Ireply.Theadrenalinehassloweddownwiththedistractionofthepolice.
“Iwantedtohearitfromyourmouth,sugar.Doyouneedanything?”
“No,wehaveitallundercontrol.Thanksforasking,though.”
Benhasitallundercontrol.ButI’mproudofthewayIdidn’tfallapart.Imean,Ihadamoment

becauseI’manormalwoman,butaftertheinitialshock,Iactuallyfeltfine.NotscaredshitlessthatBen
willhurtmebecauseIbrokehiscar,oryellatme,orshameme.

He’scaringforme,andit’sthesexiestthinghecouldeverdo.
IendthecallwithBeauandoncethetowtrucktakesthecarawayandthepoliceleave,Benleadsme

tothestrangecarandtakesmetomyhouse.

“Who’scaristhis?”
“Ethan’s,”hesays,amuscleinhisjawtickingashepullsintomydriveway.
“Areyoumadatme?”
“Notevenalittlebit,”herepliesbeforehecutstheengineandhelpsmeoutofthecarandleadsmeup

tomydoor.HewaitswhileIunlockitandthenfollowsmein.“Yougrabyourthingsforthisweekendand
thenwe’lltakeyourcarbacktomyplace.”

“WhataboutEthan’scar?”
“I’llarrangetohaveitreturnedtohim.”Hecupsmyfaceinhishands,andforthefirsttimeinmylife,

IseetruefearinBen’seyes.“MyGod,youscaredme.”

“Scaredmetoo,”Iwhisper.“Haveyouhadanyissueswithyourbrakes?”
“No.”Hisvoiceisflat.“I’llhaveitfixedandsellit.Iwon’thaveyoudriveitagain.Ican’ttakethe

chancethatthiscouldhappenagain.”

“I’msureit’sjustafluke.”
“Idon’tgiveafuck.Youcouldhavebeenhurt,orkilled,andIwon’ttakethatchanceagain.”Hetips

hisforeheadtorestonmine.“I’msosorry,mylove.”

“I’mfine,”Iassurehimandrubmyhandsupanddownhisback.“Youtookcareofme.”
“That’smyjob,”hesays.Hiseyesareclosed,buthisbodyisstilltightwithadrenaline.Ididn’tthink

itwaspossibletofindhimevenmoreattractivethanIdidthismorning,butfuckme,Iwanthim.

“Thismightbetheadrenalinetalking,”IsayasIwalkhimbackwarduntilhisbackhitsmyfrontdoor.

“ButIneedtodosomething.”

Heopenshiseyesandfrowns.“Okay.”
Inodandkisshimdeeply,myfingernailsdiggingintohisarmsasthekissgoesfromhottoinfernoin

aboutthreeseconds.Finally,IpullawayandkissmywaydownhisblackT-shirt,tohisbelly.Iunbutton
hispantsandampleasedtofindthathe’snotwearinganyunderwear.Thatsexyashellpieceofmetalis
winkingatme.

“Van.”Hisvoiceishusky,fulloflust.“Youdon’thaveto.”
“Ohyeah.Ido.”He’salreadyhardandheavyinmyhand.Theskinissmooth,andwhathecandowith

thisisridiculous.

I’mabouttothankhiminthebestwaypossible.
Ilickthelengthofhim,fromballstotip.Iwanttotakeitslow.Tosoakinthesoundshemakes,and

thewayhiscocktwitchesatmytouch,butthismomentisn’tforslowandeasy.I’mtooexcited.I’mtoo
revvedup.

SoIsinkoverhimasfarasIcanandthenIwrapmylipsaroundhimandpullup,myhandfollowing

themotion.Hishandsarefistedinmyhair,he’sgroaningwordsthatIcan’tmakeout,andIfuckinglove
it.

Ifeelsexyandpowerfulasthisstrong,alphamanbecomesputtyinmyhands.
Andmouth.
“I’mgoingtocome,Angel.”
Inodwithoutskippingabeat,buthecurses.
“Seriously,Van,I’mgoingtoloseitandIdon’twanttodoitinyourmouth.”
“Doit,”Ireplyandgobacktolickingandsucking,urginghimon.Hesucksairinthroughhisteeth.
“JesusChristAlmighty,you’regoodatthis.”
Ismilebrilliantlyontheinside,notskippingabeat,andhesuddenlycomes,quiveringwithhis

release.

“MyGod,Van.”
“No,I’mnogod,”IreplywithasassysmileasIstandandhezipsuphispants.He’swatchingme

intently,hiseyesonfire.“Ijustcouldn’thelpmyself.You’resexyasfuck,Ben.”

“Iwantyou,”hesays.Hisvoiceisdeceptivelycalmandlow.Hestalkstowardme,andIwalk

backwards.Nottryingtogetawayfromhim,butwantingtoseewherehe’sgoingwiththis.Whenmyback
hitsawall,hecagesmein,leaninghishandsonthewallatthesideofmyhead.Hekissesmyforehead.

“Lookatme.”
Icomply,lookingupathishandsomeface.Ican’thelpbutcuphisfaceinmyhandsandenjoytheway

thestubblefeelsagainstmypalms.

“Hi,”Isay.Hesmilesslowly,andthenchucklesjustbeforehekissesmesoundly.
“You’rejustfullofsurprises,Angel.”

“Well,Idon’twanttobeboring.”
Heshakeshishead,hiseyespinnedtomylips.“You’reneverboring.AndIdon’tknowwhatIdidto

deservethat,butI’lldomybesttodoitmoreoften.”

It’smyturntolaugh.“Let’ssayitwasacombinationofadrenalineandlust.”
“Sowehavetobecomeavidthrillseekers.”
“No,”Ireply.“Idon’tneedthrillstowantyou.”
“Iwantyoueveryminuteofeveryday,”hesays.“I’dlovenothingmorethantoboostyouupagainst

thiswallandhavemywaywithyou.”

“Seemslikeawastetonottakeadvantageofthiswall.It’sjuststandinghere.Weshoulduseitfor

something.”

“You’requitethesmartasstoday.Ilikeit.”
Ijustsmileandfeelthelosswhenhepullsawayfromme.
“Come.Let’sgetyourthingsandgetoutofhere.Iwanttotakeyououttonight,ifyou’refeelingupto

it.Ifyou’renot,wecanjustwatchamovieorsomething.”

“Like,onarealdate?”
“Yes,ma’am.”
“Cool!”IdoalittleshimmybeforeIheaduptomybedroomtopack.I’mdefinitelyupforit.Ifeel

likeIcouldbeupforanythingrightnow.Adrenalinereallyisathing.“Thanksfortheheadsup.I’llpacka
prettydress.”

“Don’tforgettheheels!”hecallsafterme.
“Haveyoumetme?”Iyellbackandsmileatthesoundofhislaugh.
Tonightisgoingtobefun.

***

It’swindythisevening.IworeaflowyorganzadressthatIlovebecauseoftheprettyyellowflowers

embroideredinthematerial.Butitdoesn’tmatchwellwithwind.

Imightflashsomeone,oreveryone,intheQuarter,andthatwouldbebad.Muchtomyex-husband’s

disappointment,I’mnotanexhibitionist.

Buthereintherestaurant,I’mcomfortableandfeelsexyinthisdresswithmyredpeep-toestilettos

andmyhairtwistedupoffofmyneck.Benkeepsbrushinghisfingertipsovertheskinatthebaseofmy
neck,sendingshiversdownmywholebodyandpuckeringmynipples.

We’rewaitingatthebarforourtabletobeready,sippingadrinkandjustenjoyingbeingclosetoeach

other.

“You’resureyou’reuptothis?”heasks.
“Ben,I’mfine.Myshouldersarealittlesorefromtensingupandtheseatbelt,butotherthanthat,Ifeel

good.Also,you’veaskedmethataboutseventimes.IfIdidn’twanttobehere,I’dtellyou.”

“Okay,”hesaysandkissesmytemple.“Youlooksobeautiful.”
Igrinashepresseshislipstomyear.“I’llberightback.”
Hemightaswellhavejustsaid,takeallofyourclothesoff.
“Okay.”Ismileathimashesauntersawayandtakeasipofmylemondrop.Kategotmehookedon

thesewhenshemovedtoNewOrleansacoupleofyearsago.Idon’tdrinkoften,butIthinkI’veearned
oneortwooftheseafterthedayIjusthad.

“Heythere,sweetthing.”
Iglancetomylefttofindamiddle-aged,baldingmanstandingnexttome.Hehassomethingblack

stuckbetweenhistwofrontteeth.

Idon’treply,buthekeepstalking.
“Howmanydrinksdoyouthinkitwouldtaketogetyoutocomehomewithme?”
LordJesus.

Irollmyeyesandturntofacehim.He’sgrinning,showingoffthathideoushunkoffoodinhisteeth.

“Thereisn’tenoughliquorinthisbartomakethathappen.”

Hissmileslips.“SoIshouldjustkeeponwalkingbythen?”
“Ohyeah.Forsure.”
IturnawayjustintimetoseeBensitnexttome.Myshouldersrelaxinrelief.NotbecauseIcouldn’t

handlethatjerkbymyself.BecauseIcouldhave.AndIdid.

“Whowasthat?”Benasks.
“Absolutelynobody,”Ireplyjustasthehostesscomestotellusourtableisready.It’stuckedinthe

cornerofthedimlylitrestaurant.There’sacandleburningonthetablefortwoanditfeelsintimateand
romanticaswesitandlookoverthemenu.ThewaitressrefillsourdrinksandtakesourorderandBen
takesmyhand,kissingtheknuckles.

“Youlooknice.”Isighinpleasureandlookhimupanddown.He’sinablackbuttondownwiththe

sleevesrolled,showingoffhistattoos,andapairofblackpantsthathughisassinthemostdelicious
way.

“Youarestunning,”hereplies.“Youdidn’tdisappointwiththoseshoes.”
“Thesearesomeofmyfavorites,”IagreeandstickmyfootoutfromunderthetablesoIcanadmire

them.“Italsohelpsthatyou’resotallandI’msoshortsoIcanwearanyheightofheelthatIwant.”

“Thatmustbeawomanproblem.”
“Absolutely.”Inodandsipmydrink.“Iknowthatsomewomendon’tcareifthey’retallerthantheir

guy,butIpreferatallman.Notthatit’severbeenmuchofanissueforme.AllofusBoudreauxgirlsare
petite.”

“Yourmamaistiny,”heremindsmeandInodagain.
“Thisisnice.”
“Ishouldtakeyououtmoreoften.”
“I’mnotcomplaining,”Ireply.“Bythetimewe’rebothoutofworkattheendoftheday,we’retired.

Ilikejustbeingwithyouintheevenings.”

“Idotoo.Butsomeofthisisnicenowandagainaswell.”
“Iwon’targue,”Isayasourfoodisdelivered.“Haveyouheardfromthegarageaboutyourcaryet?”
“I’mnotexpectingtohearfromthemuntilMonday.Ihopeyoudon’tmindifweuseyourcarforthe

nextfewdays.”

“Idon’tmindatall.”
Weenjoyourdinner,andeachother,chattingwhileweinhaleourmeal.Ididn’trealizehowhungryI

wasuntilthefoodarrived.

“CanIinterestyouinanydessert?”Thewaitressasks.
“No,thanks.”Ishakemyheadandsipthelastofmydrink.“I’mstuffed.”
“Justthecheck,please,”Bensays,smilingatme.“Howdoyoufeel?”
“Alittlebuzzed,”Iadmit.“HowmanyofthesedidIhave?”
“Three.”
“Yep,that’lldoit.”Igiggleandthencovermymouthwithmynapkin.“Ipromisenottoembarrassyou

withmydrunkenantics.”

“You’renotdrunk,andyouwouldneverembarrassme.”
Isnortandgathermyclutchasweleavetherestaurant.Ben’sright,I’mnotdrunk,butIdofeelmighty

fuzzyandIcan’tsaythatIdon’tlikeit.

“You’veseenmedrunkmorethanyoushould,”Iinformhim.Ihavetoholdmydressdownaswe

walktomycarsothewinddoesn’twhipitupovermyheadandIgiveafewpeopleashow.“ButI’mnot
analcoholic.Ipromise.”

“You’refunwhenyou’rebuzzed,”hesayswithalaugh.“AndI’velovedthatyouwouldcallmewhen

youneededaridehome.Whocaresifyoudrinkalittlewiththegirls,orwithme,nowandagain?The
importantthingisthatyou’resafe.”

“Yousayprettythingswiththatprettymouthofyours,”Ireplyasthewindkicksupagain,sendingmy

skirtalmostuptomywaist.“ThismustbewhatMarilynMonroefeltlikeoverthatgrate.”Ihurryintothe
passengersideofmycarandsighinreliefwhenBenclosesthedoorandhurriesaroundtotheotherside.
“Ididn’twanttoshoweveryonethegoods.”

“Thegoods?”Heaskswitharaisedbrow.
“Youknow,thegoods.You’vebeenquiteintimatewiththegoodsasoflate.Thepartsthatonlyyou

aresupposedtosee.”

“Ah,yes,thegoods.”Hegrinsandleansovertokissme.“Youmakemelaugh,Savannah.”
“Ditto.”Ikisshisnose.“Areyougoingtoaskmetoshowotherpeoplethegoods?”
Hiseyesnarrowforamomentandthenhejustslowlyshakeshisheadfromsidetoside.“No,

ma’am.”

“Good.”Isettlebackagainsttheseatashestartsthecarandpullsawayfromthecurb.“Thejackass

usedtodothat.”Icringe.“I’msorry.I’msureyoudon’twanttohearthat.”

“Actually,I’dliketohearanythingyou’dliketotellme.”
“Mostofitisembarrassing.”
“Let’sgetsomethingstraightrightnow,Angel.Thereisneverareasonforyoutobeembarrassedwith

me.Iloveyou,heartandsoul,andnothingisevergoingtochangethat.Iwanttoknowaboutyourpast,
evenifit’shardtolistentobecauseithelpsmeunderstandyoubetter.”

“You’rewonderful,”Iwhisper.It’sagoodthingIhadallthosedrinks.I’dneverhavetheballstotalk

aboutthiswithhimotherwise.NotthewayIneedto.AndnotbecauseIthinkBenwouldjudgeme,orbe
repulsedbyme.No,it’sbecauseevenIcan’tbelieveIputupwithitforallofthattime.

Butit’sdark,andthecarisquiet,andBenmakesmefeelsafe.
“Hewasjustmean,”Ibegin.“Imean,that’stherootofitall.Hewasn’talways.Certainlynotatfirst

becauseifthathadbeenthecaseIneverwouldhavestayedwithhim.Thankstoalotofcounseling,I’ve
learnedthathejustlikestohumiliate.He’sgoodatit.Hethreatens,buthisthreatsaren’tidle.Hewill
followthrough.”

“Whatkindofthreats?”Benaskssoftlyashepullsintohisdriveway.Neitherofusmakesamoveto

getoutofthecarandI’mrelieved.

“Oh,youknow.”Ishrug.“HewouldsaythatifIdidn’twearwhathetoldmetohe’dfindawayto

humiliatemeinpublic.OrifIdidn’tworkharderatmakingmystomachflathe’dkickmyass.”

“Kickyourass?”
“Ohyeah.Literally.Hewascarefulnottoleavebruiseswhereeveryonecouldseethem.Iguessthat’s

normal.”

“No,”hesays.Ican’tseehisfaceinthedarkness,buthisvoiceishard.“It’snotnormalatall,baby.”
“FormenlikethatImean.Kateoncetoldmethatherfirsthusbandwasthesameway.Butanyway,he

wasintosomethings,somefetishes,thatIwasn’tinto.Hewouldgetsomadatme.Hedidn’tliketobe
toldno.

“Atfirsthe’djustactalldisappointed,andmakemefeelabouttwoinchestall.Guilttripcity.”Iroll

myeyes,nolongerupsetorafraidofwhathedidtome,andnowjustdisgusted.“Astimepassed,he’d
justmakemedoitanyway.”

“Fuckinghell,”Bensays.He’sgrippingthesteeringwheelwithbothhands.Iftherewaslightinhere,

I’dseethathisknucklesarewhite.

“Icanstop.”
“No,let’sfinishit.”
Inodandswallowhard.Theliquoriswearingoff.

“Oneofhisfavoritethingswasexhibitionism.Idonotlikeeventheideaofstrangers,oranyone,

watchingmehavesexorbenaked.Itdoesn’tinterestmeatall.AndIknowthatsomepeopledolikeit,
andthat’stotallyfine.ButIdon’t.I’mnotgoingtogiveyouallofthedetailsbecauseyoudon’tneeditin
yourhead,butlet’sjustsaythatIdidthingsIdidn’twantto.MostlybecauseIwasavoidingthe
punishmentthatcamewithsayingno.ButthenIgotbothanyway,soitwasalljustashitshow.”

“Ishouldhavekilledhim.”
“That’snotthefirsttimeyou’vesaidthat.”
IslipoutofmyseatbeltandclimbovertheconsolesoIcanstraddleBen’slapandlookhiminthe

eyes.

“I’mnottellingyouthistopissyouofforsoyouwanttohurthimagain.I’mnot.Doyouhaveany

ideawhatthepastfewweekshavemeanttome,Ben?Beforewestartedthis,IwasunsureofmyselfandI
wasafraidthatI’dneverbeabletobeintimatewithsomeoneeveragain.Becausetodothat,youhaveto
trustandheruinedthatpartofme.

“Untilyou.You’vemademefeelpowerfulandbeautiful.Iknowthatyourespectmeandmy

boundaries,andthatyouonlyhavemeandmybestinterestsinmind.WhatIhadbeforewasdarkandevil
andwrong.Itwasn’tlove.Itwasneverlove.

“This,righthere,islove.”Ileanmyforeheadagainsthisandsighinhappinessashisarmscome

aroundmybackinatighthug.“Thisisloveandtrustandeverythinggood.Whathappenedbeforedoesn’t
matter,Ben.It’sover,anditdoesn’tmatterbecausenowIhaveyou.”

“Wehaveeachother,”hesays,stillholdingmeclose.“AndI’mnevergoingtoletanythinglikethat

happentoyouagain.Ijusthaveonelastquestion,andthenwe’regoingtoleaveitallinthepast.”

“Anything.”
“Whydidyoustay,Van?Afterheshowedyouwhohereallywas,whydidyoustay?”
Icanfeelthetearswanttocome,butI’llbedamnedifIgiveLanceevenonemoreounceofcontrol.
“Becausehethreatenedmyfamily.”
“Hefuckingblackmailedyouintomarryinghim?”
Inodonceandthenshakemyheadinhorror.“Ijustloveyouallsomuch—”
“Wait.Hethreatenedtohurtmetoo?”
“Allofyou.”
Bentakesalong,deepbreathandthenletsitoutslowly.“Idon’twanttomakelovetoyoutonight.”
IblinkrapidlyandstaredownatBeninconfusion.
“Iwanttoholdyou.Iwanttobewithyou.AndIwanttoremindyouwhatitfeelsliketobelovedfor

you.Forbeingthewonderfulwomanyouare,andIwanttoshowyouwhatunconditionalmeans.”

“Oh,Ben.”NowIletthetearscomebecausethey’retearsofjoy.“Youdothateveryday.”
“Comeon.”Weuntangleourselvesandgetoutofthecarandwalkuptothedoor,butwhenBentakes

hiskeysouttounlockthedoor,wefindthatit’salreadyajar.“Ithoughtyousaidyoulockedthisbehindus
whenweleft.”

“Idid,”Ireply.“IknowIdid.”
“Well,it’sunlockednow.”Hisfaceisgrimashelooksdownatme.“I’mgoingtogointomakesure

it’ssafe.Youstayhere.”

“LikehellI’llstayhere.”
“Savannah.”
“Ben.”Inarrowmyeyes.“I’mnotstayingoutherebymyself.That’showhorrormoviesstart,andI

willnothaveit.”

“Right.”Hesighsandpullsouthisphone.“Eli?Yeah.Ineedyouatmyhousenow.”Helistensand

thennods.“Thanks.”

“WhydidyoucallEliandnotthecops?”

“BecauseIdon’tknowthatthisisabreakin.Andifyouwon’tstayoutherebyyourself,Eliwillwait

withyou.”

“Icangoin.I’mperfectlycapableofkickingass.”
“No.”Hebacksmeupagainstapillarontheporch.“Youareeverything,Van.I’mnottakingyou

anywherethatcouldbedangerous.Nowdamnit,you’regoingtowaitoutherewithEliwhileIfigureout
whatthefuckisgoingon.”

Icanonlywatchhisface,hishairariotinthewind.“Okay.”
“Thankyou.”
“Forwhat?”
“Forcurbingyourstubbornside.”
We’rebothquietaswewait,listeningforanysoundfrominside,buteverythingisstill.
“You’resureyoulockedthedoor?”
“Iswear—”
Suddenly,there’sanexplosionatthesideofthehouse;sparksflyeverywhere.
“Motherfucker.”

ChapterFourteen

~Savannah~

Elipullsinthedrivewayjustaftertheexplosionthatjustaboutgavemeaheartattack.
“Whatinthehellisupwithtoday?”Idemand,asElicomesrunninguptojoinus.
“Whatwasthat?”Eliaskswithascowl.“Van,gogetinmycar.”
“Fuckthat,”Ireplyandrunafterthemastheyhurryaroundthesideofthehouse.“I’mnotadamselin

distress.”

“Jesus,she’sstubborn,”Elisays.“Lookslikethewindblewyourtransformer.”
“It’sbeenashitday,”Benanswersandrubshishandsoverhisface.“Ineedtogocheckouttheinside

ofthehouse.Thedoorwasopenwhenwegotbackfromdinner.”

Eliscowls.“It’snotlikeyoutoleaveyourhouseunlocked.”
“Ipulledthedoorclosedbehinduswhenweleft,”Iadd.“AndIknow,withoutadoubt,thatIlocked

it.It’shabit.”

“I’mnotsayingyoudidn’t,”Benrepliesandkissesmyforehead.“WhichiswhyIdon’twantyou

goinginthereuntilI’vehadalookfirst.”

“Goodidea,”Elisays.
“Fine,”Ireply,resigned.“I’llstayoutherelikeaweakpersonwhohasn’tbeentrainingtokickassfor

thepasttwoyears.”

“You’retheonlypersonIknowwhowouldcomplainbecauseI’mtryingtokeepyououtofharm’s

way.”Benshoveshisfingersthroughhishairaswewalktothefrontofthehouse.“Justgivemeten
minutes.”

“We’regood,”Elisayswithanod.“AndI’llcall911ifIseeorhearanythingsuspicious.”
Bennodsandgoesintothehouse,turningontheflashlightonhisphone,sincethere’snopowerthanks

tothetransformerblowingout.

“Idon’tlikebeingtreatedlikeI’mweak,”ImumbletoEliwhojustbustsuplaughing.
“Doyouthinkthat’swhathe’sdoing?”
“Well,yeah.Icankickasstoo.”
“Ofcourseyoucan.Buthelovesyou,Van.Iwouldn’tletKategointhereeither.Callusold

fashioned,butit’sourjobtokeepourwomensafe,andbyGod,that’swhathe’sdoing.”

“Whydoyouhavetomakesense?”Idemand,myirritationdisappearing.
“BecauseI’myourbigbrother.Iknoweverything.”
“Whoa,thatescalatedquickly,”Ireply,makinghimlaugh.
“It’sallclear,”Bensaysashewalksoutside.“Itmusthavebeenthewind.Iknowyoulockeditand

closedit,butmaybeitdidn’tlatchrightandthewindblewitopen.”

“Couldbe,”Elisays.“Yourporchisdeepenough,andtherearetreesoutfront,soit’sdoubtfulthat

anyonefromthestreetwouldhaveseenit.Especiallyinthedark.”

Bennodsandwrapshisarmaroundmyshoulders.
“Iguesswe’respendingtheweekendatmyhouse,”Isaywithagrin.
“Iguessso,”Benreplies.“I’llruninandgrabyourbag.”
“Leaveit,”Isay,wavinghimoff.“I’llneedthosethingshereanyway.”
“Wait.Areyoumovingintogether?”Eliasks.
BenlaughsandIjustshrug.“Noonesaidthat.Butwe’retogethermostnights,Eli.”
“Yeah,okay,”Elisays,notatallimpressed.“I’mgoinghome.”
Wewavehimoffandclimbintomycar.

“I’llcalltheelectricianandpowercompanyinthemorning,”Bensays.“It’sbeenahellofaday.”
“Ithas,”Iagreeandtakehishandinmine,linkingourfingers.“Let’sjusthibernateatmyplacethis

weekend.WecanorderpizzaandChineseandwatchmovies.Makelove.Justchill.”

“BestweekendplansI’veeverheard.”Hekissesmyhand.“Ithinkit’simportantforyoutobenaked

duringmostofit.”

“IfIhavetobenaked,sodoyou.”
“Ofcourse.Iwouldn’texpectyoutobenakedalone.There’snofuninthat.”

***

“Bestweekendever,”IsaytoCharly.I’monthephonewithherMondayafternoonasIgetreadytogo

toclass.“Wedidn’tevenleavemyhouse.”

“Ilovethoseweekends,”Charlysays.“I’mhappythatthingsaregoingwell.”
“Isitpossiblethattheycouldbegoingtoowell?”Iask,pausingasIreachformygymclothes.“I

mean,it’shappeningfast,andhe’swonderfulandloving.”

“Whenyouknowit’sright,youjustknow,”shesays.“Idon’tthinktimehastoomuchtodowithit.

You’vebeeninlovewithhimhalfofyourlife.”

“True.Andit’sBen.It’snotlikeIjustmethimamonthago.I’veknownhimforever.”
“Exactly,”shesays.“Don’toverthinkit.Justenjoyit.”
“Goodadvice,”IreplyandthenholdthephoneawayfrommyearasIpullmyshirtovermyhead.

“Lenawillbehereinafewminutes.She’sgoingwithmetoday.”

“Cool.Havefun.”
“Talktoyoulater.”Iendthecallandthrowachangeofclothesintomygymbag,reachformyshoes

andturntothevanitytograbahairtie,andthenIsimplyfreeze.

“Whatthefuck?”ItakeadeepbreathandstareatthebrandnewbottleofChanelNo.5sittingonmy

vanity.Icertainlydidn’tputitthere.Infact,thismorningthenewbottleIboughtofmyfavoriteperfume
wassittinginthatexactspot.“OhmyGod.”

“Van?”Lenacallsfromdownstairs.“Idon’twanttostartleyou!YourdoorwasunlockedsoIjust

camein!”

“Inmybedroom!”Icallback,myeyesstillpinnedtothebottle.Lenawalksin,lookingallcuteand

sportyinherworkoutattire.

“What’sup?”shesaysandthenfrowns.“YoureyesareglassyandI’mgettingaspookedoutvibefrom

you.”

“Morethanspooked,”Ireply,feelingsweatformonmyupperlip.“Look.”
Shefollowsmyfingertotheperfumeandfrowns.“Okay.”
“Idon’twearthat,”Ireply.“Ever.LancemademeweariteveryfuckingdayofourmarriageandI

hateit.Ididn’tputitthere.”

Lenafrownsandthencloseshereyesandtakesadeepbreath.“I’mnotasstrongpsychicallyas

Mallory,butIdon’tfeelanevilormaliciouspresencehere,Van.Maybeyourcleaningladyfounditand
putitthere?”

Ifrownandshakemyhead.“Well,shewasheretoday,butIthrewitalloutasIunpackedtheboxes

afterthemove.Idon’tknowwhereshecouldhavefoundit.”

“Maybeyoumissedone?”
Iexhaleloudlyandshrug.“Whoknows?Iguessit’spossible.”Ireachforthebottleandcarryit

downstairs,throwingitinthegarbage.“I’llaskherwhenshe’sbacknextweek.”

Lenasmiles.“Goodidea.”
WeleaveforthegymandIsettheperfumeoutofmymind,notwantingtogiveitanymoreattention

today.IfIletmyself,I’lloverthinkitandworkmyselfupintoafrenzy,convincedthatLanceistryingto
messwithmefromprison,andthatjustisn’tpossible.

I’msureLena’sright.Thehousekeeperfounditandsetitout.It’scertainlymoreexpensiveandfancier

thanwhatInormallywear,sosheprobablythoughtshewasdoingagoodthingbydisplayingit.I’lljust
letherknowthatIdon’twanthertorearrangemythingsanymore.

“Someonehadagoodweekend,”Lenasayswithasmile.
“Areyoureadingme?”
“Honey,Idon’thavetobepsychictofeelthesexvibesrollingoffofyou.”
Ifeelmycheekspinken.“Theremighthavebeensomesex.”
“Uhhuh.”SheparksinfrontofBen’sdojoandcutstheengine.“Goodforyou.”
“Ohyeah,”Ireply,nodding.“It’sgoodforme.”
Lenasnortsassheclimbsoutofthecarandjoinsmeaswewalkinside.Someofthegirlswhotake

theclassarealreadyhere,stretchingontheflooroftheclassroom.Ethan,Ben’smanager,isatthecounter,
talkingtoamuscularguythatIhaven’tseenbefore.

Iglancearound,lookingforBen,butIdon’tseehim.
“IwonderwhereBenis,”Imurmur.
“He’sinthere,”Lenasays,pointingtoasmallerclassroom.Ben’sinthere,instructingawoman.
Andhishandsareonher.She’sabittallerthanme,anddefinitelyyounger.Blonde,withboobsthat

shedefinitelypaidfor.

Andshe’ssmilingupatmyboyfriendlikehehungthefuckingmoon.Ben’shandsareonherhipsand

he’stalkingtoher.Shelaughslikehe’sjustsaidthefunniestthingeverandbracesherhandonhischest.

“Takeabreath,”Lenasays.“Thisishisjob.”
“I’mokay,”Ilieandwalkintoourclassroom.
I’msonotokay.I’mjealousasfuckandeventhoughit’sstupid,Ican’thelpit.Hishandsareon

anotherwomanandshe’sfreakingflirtingwithhim.I’mnoteveninthesamecategoryasokay.

I’mpissedashell,andthefactthatthisishisjobdoesn’tmakemefeelanybetter.
Thankfully,classstartsrightaway.Thisisthebestplacetoletgoofsomepentupaggression.We

spendthenexthourpunching,kicking,andsparringandwhenwe’redone,I’mdrippinginsweat.

“I’mgladIwasn’tyoursparringpartner,”Lenasaysaswegetreadytoleave.“Youkickedherass.”
“She’sfine,”Ireply.
“Doyoufeelanybetter?”
“No.”IglancearoundtoseeifBen’saround,andhe’sjustsayinggoodbyetothehookerhewas

teachingwhileIwasinclass.“IknowIsaidthatI’dcatcharidehomewithBen,butwouldyoumind
droppingmeoff?”

“Notatall,”Lenareplies.“Let’sgo.”
“Van.”Bencallsouttome,butIactlikeIdon’thearhimanddon’tturnaround.Instead,Ihurryto

Lena’scarandjumpin.Benwalksoutafterus,andoureyeslockforamoment,butLenatakesoffbefore
hecanopenmydoor.

“Helookspissed,”Lenasays.
“Idon’tcare.I’mpissed.AndIalsodon’tcarethatit’sstupidtobepissedbecausethisishisjoband

blahblahblah.Fuckthat.Hishandswerealloverthatwoman,andIdon’tlikeit.”

“Icantell,”Lenasays.“Andfrankly,Idon’tblameyou.Iwouldn’tlikeiteither.”
“See?Good.Ihaven’tbeenjealousinyears.Ican’tevenrememberthelasttime,butallIcanseeis

greenrightnow.Iwanttopunchthatchickinthethroat.”

“Hey,he’syourmanandshetouchedhim.That’saperfectlynormalresponse.”
“You’reagoodfriend,”Ireplyasshepullsintomydriveway.“IcanseewhyMallorylovesyouso

much,andI’mgladthatyou’repartofourlittlecirclenow.”

“Thanks.”ShesmilesandwavesasIwalktothefrontdoor.Shewaitsformetogetinsidesafely

beforeshedrivesaway.

Ihavetoomuchenergy.Ipickupmymailandthumbthroughtheenvelopes,butIdon’treallyseeany

ofitandItossitallonthecoffeetableinmylivingroomandthendecidethatalthoughIjusthadan
amazingworkout,I’mnotdone.

Iwanttorun.
Andthosewhoknowmewellknowthatrunningisnotmything.
ButIdon’tknowhowtogetridofthisenergywithoutbreakingstuff.SoItakeoffdownmystreet.I

knowwhichstreetstostickto,andwhichareasareabitshady.I’mnotingoodenoughrunningshapeto
gofaranyway.

AmIbeingstupid?Imean,shewasaclient.Andthefactthatshewasflirtingwithhimisn’treally

Ben’sfault.And,hewasn’ttouchingherinappropriately.Myinstructortouchesmethesamewayallthe
damntime.Butthedifferenceis,she’sawomanandnotsomedudethatIwouldliketoclimblikeanoak
tree.

Icirclearoundthecornerofmyblockandrunsmackdabintoahardchest.Ben’sarmswraparound

mesoIdon’tfall,andIimmediatelystepoutofhishold.

“What’sgoingon,Van?”
“Iwentforarun,”Ireplyandkeeprunningbacktomyhouse,justthreedoorsdown.Idon’tlook

back,butIcanhearhimjoggingbehindme.He’snotevenbreathinghardwhenwegettomyfrontdoor,
andI’lladmitthattheblackT-shirthe’swearingdoesamazingthingstohisarms.

Thosetattoosgetmeeverydamntime.
Butrightnow,I’mpissed.
“Talktome.”Benfollowsmeinsideandgentlyclosesthedoorbehindus.He’scoolastheproverbial

cucumberandI’mreadytocomeoutofmyskin.

“Ididn’tsaytherewasanythingtotalkabout.”
“Stopit.”Myeyeswhipuptohis,andalthoughhe’scalm,hiseyesareannoyed.
Good.Wecanbeannoyedtogether.
“Pleasetellmewhyyou’remadatme.”
“Idon’tknowifmadisagoodwordforit,”Ireplyandwanderbacktothekitchentogrababottleof

waterfromthefridge.

“Whatwordwouldyouuse?”
“Pissed.Irritated.Irate.”Ishrugandtwistthecapoff,chuggingthewater.
“Why?”
Ishrugashoulder,andthat’saboutallBencantakeofme.Hecrossedhisarmsoverhischestand

leansagainstthewall,watchingme.

“Wecandothisallnight,”hesays.
“No,wecan’tbecauseI’maskingyoutoleave.”
Painmovesthroughhiseyesnow,andIfeellikeagradeAshit.
“I’mnotleaving.”
Icockabrow.“Fine.Stay.I’llleave.”
“Enough.”Hegripsmyshoulderstightlyinhishandsandholdsmeinfrontofhim.“Whatthefuckis

goingon,Savannah?”

“Thatwomanhadherhandsonyou!”IjerkoutofhisholdbutIstaywhereIamandconfronthim.

“Andyouhadyourhandsonher.Anditfuckingpissedmeoff.”

“Theclient?”
“Iftheclientisacutelittletwenty-somethingblondewithbigtits,thenyes.Theclient.”
“Van—”
“Iknow!”Ibegintopacenow,justasfrustratedwithmeasheis.“Iknowthatit’syourjobandthat

thereareclientsandyouhavetotouchthem,butdamnit,Ben,itwasacutegirlwholookedatyoulike

youweredessertandshewasgoingtoeatyouwithafuckingspoon.”

“Savannah.”Hiseyesaren’thurtorirritatedanymore.Theyalsoaren’tfullofhumor,whichisgood

forhimbecauseifhedecidedtomakefunofmerightnow,I’dthroatpunchhim.

“Ididn’tlikeit.”
“Icanseethat.”
“AndIhatethatI’msuddenlythisstupidjealouswoman—”
“You’renotstupid.”
“ButIcan’thelpit.You’remine,damnit.”
ThenextthingIknow,mybackispressedagainstthewallandBeniskissingmelikeit’sgoingoutof

style.Hishandsfistinmyhair,histhighpressesagainstmycore,andIwanttoclimbhimlikeafucking
oaktree.

Hislipskissdowntomyneckasheboostsmeup,cradlinghishard,denim-coveredcockagainstme.

Mylegswraparoundhiswaist.

We’rebothstillfullyclothed,butholyHannahthesexinessisoffthedamncharts.
“Shedoesn’tdothistome,”Bensays,pressinghardagainstme.“Noonedoesthistomebutyou.”
“Damnright.”
Hiseyesdarkenandhecarriesmetotheguestroomdownthehall.There’snotimetogoupstairs.He

setsmedownlongenoughtostripusbothoutofourclothesandthenthrowsmeonthebed.

Idon’tevenhavetimetobeworriedaboutthefactthatI’msweatyandprobablysmelly.Hecoversme

andpinsmyhandsabovemyhead.Hismouthandfreehandareeverywhere.Mynipplesarepuckeredand
myhipsaremovingincircles,desperateforhimtofillme.

“Ben.”
“That’sright,”hesays.Hegrabsmychin.“Openyoureyes.YouareeverythingIwant.Idon’tgivea

fuckaboutanyotherwoman,clientornot.Letthemflirtandmakeafoolofthemselves.Itdoesn’tmatter,
Savannah,becauseyouareallIthinkabout.

“YouareallIsee.”
ItrytomovemyhandssoIcantouchhim,griphiscock,andguidehiminsideme,butheholdsme

firm.

“Iwanttotouchyou.”
“Notthistime,”heinformsme.“I’maboutonesecondawayfrombeingfarrougherthanIshouldbe

withyou.”

Ifrown.“I’mnotfragile.”
HeswallowshardandIcanseethathe’sstrugglingtokeephimselfincheck.
“I’msafewithyou,”Isayandkisshisbicep.“Iwanttotouchyou.”
Hereleasesmyhandsandhisinhibitionsallatonce.Hepalmsmyassinonehand,tiltingmyhipsso

hecaneasilyslideinsideme,andthatmetalrubsthelengthofme,makingmegroan.

“GodIlovethatpiercing.”
“Iloveyou,”hegrowlsandsetsafast,hardpace.“Thisismine.Youaremine,Savannah.Doyou

understandme?”

“Yes.”
He’snotbeingcarefulthewayhehaseverytimebefore.He’smarkinghisterritory,andit’sthebest

thingI’veeverfeltinmylife.

“Don’tyoueverfuckingforgetwhatyouaretome,”hesays.Hisblueeyesareonfireandonmine.
“WhatamI?”Iaskandwatchinfascinationashiseyesdarken.Hisjawtightens.Hisgriponmyass

digsinjustenoughtosting.

It’sfuckingdelicious.
“You’reeverything.”Hekissesme,hislipsmuchgentlerthantherestofhim.“Youarethebeginning

andtheendofme,Savannah.Idon’tworkwithoutyou.”

“You’remyeverythingtoo,”Ireply.Suddenly,hepullsoutandflipsmeover,slapsmyass,andslides

insidemeagain.Hislegsarestraddlingmine,pinningmetothebed.

Itfeelssogood.
Sodamngood.
“Shit,Ben,I’mgonna—”
“Fuckyes,”hegrowlsnexttomyear.“Letgo,love.”
Icouldn’tholdbackifItried.Iexplodebeneathhim,myentirebeingshatteringintoabilliontiny

pieces.

AsIcomedownfromtheorgasmhigh,Benkissesmyshouldersanddownmyspineashepullsoutof

meandhelpsmeturnontomyback.

“Isthatsettled?”heasks.
“Ohyeah.”I’mstillworkingoncatchingmybreath.“Yeah,Ithinkthat’ssettled.ButIthinkthatonce

inawhileyoucanremindme.Becausethatmighthavebeenthesexiestthirtyminutesofmylife.”

“Itmighthavebeenfifteenminutes.”
“Whatever.”Ican’tmoveyet,butIsummonenoughstrengthtocupBen’scheekandsmileupathim.

“You’resexy.”

“You’reachallenge.”
“IthinkI’msupposedtobeachallenge.”
“Well,thenyou’retheworldchampionatit.”
Hegrinsanddragshisknucklesdownmycheek.“Nomorejealousy,Angel.There’snoneedforit.”
“Areyougoingtokeepteachingher?”
“WouldyouratherIdidn’t?”
“IfIsaidthatI’dratheryoudidn’t,wouldyoufireher?”
Hechuckles,buthe’ssafenowbecauseIdon’thavetheenergytothroatpunchhim.
“Iwouldpassherontosomeoneelse,yes.”
Istareupathimandthinkabouteverythingthat’shappened.Notjusttoday,butoverthepastfew

weeks,andIknowwithoutadoubtthatBendoesn’tcareabouther.

“Justaskhertonottouchyou,”Ireply.“Unlessshetriestopunchyou,I’dreallyrathershekeepsher

handstoherself.”

Hesmilesandkissesmycheek.“I’llpassherontoEthan.”
“Itrustyou.”
“Thatwasneverinquestion,”hereplies,perfectlycalmagain.“Butshemakesyouuncomfortable,

andthere’snoneedforthat.”

“Thankyou.”
“Allyouhavetodoissaysomethingwhenyou’reuncomfortable.I’llmakesuretofixit.Andnotjust

whenitcomestomyjob.”

“Okay.”Inod.“I’llrememberthat.”
“Seethatyoudo.”

ChapterFifteen

~Savannah~

“Doesitseemlikethisishappeningfast?”IaskVioletduringourcounselingsessionthenextmorning.

“Imean,wehaven’ttalkedaboutmovingintogether,atleastnotformally,butI’mstartingtothinkabout
it,anditdoesn’tscareme.”

“Savannah,you’veknownBenmostofyourlife.Youdidn’thavetogothroughtheinitialgettingto

knoweachotherstages.You’vedonethatalready.So,toadmitthatyouloveeachotherandwanttomove
forwardinyourrelationshipisalogicalnextstep.”

“Right.”Inodandrubmyhandsonmypantsnervously.“Butitmakesmenervous.”
“Icanseethat.Whydoyouthinkthatis?”
“BecauseIworkedhardtobeindependent,”Ireply,notevenrealizingthatIfeltthatwayuntilthis

moment.“AndI’mafraidthatifwelivetogether,Imightloseapieceofmyselfagain.”

“Well,that’slogicaltoo,”Violetrepliesandnodsthoughtfully.“Icanseewhereyou’recomingfrom.

But,somethingyou’regoingtohavetokeepremindingyourselfisthatBenisnotLance.They’re
completelydifferentmen,andtherelationshipthatyoushareisdifferenttoo.”

“Boy,that’stheunderstatementoftheyear,”Ireply.“Whichbringsmetosomethingelsetotalk

about.”

“Okay,shoot.”
Ishiftinmyseat,gatheringmythoughts.“Mymarriagewashorrible.”
“Andnowyouholdtherecordforunderstatementoftheyear,”Violetreplies.
“Iknow.”Igrabmybottleofwaterandtakealongsip.“Itwastheworsttimeofmylife,andItruly

believethatnomatterwhatthefutureholds,itwillneverbeasbadasitwaswhileIwasmarriedtohim.”

Violetjustnods,urgingmetocontinue.Ibegintopeelthelabeloffofthewaterbottleandfocuson

thatwhileIcontinuetotalk.

“WhileIlivedit,Iknewitwasn’tright.Thatnoteverymarriagewasthathorrible.Butatthesame

time,Icouldn’tletmyselfanalyzeit.BecauseifIdid,IreallythinkthatIwouldhavehadanervous
breakdown.”Iglanceuptoseeherreaction,butshejustarchesaneyebrow,waitingformetocontinue.
“ButnowthatI’vebeenwithBenforawhile,andIaminahealthy,lovingrelationship,Icanfinallysee
justhowhorribleitwasbefore.”

MyeyesfindhersagainandIcan’thelpthetearsthatcome.“Itwasworsethananyoneshouldhaveto

gothrough.Hedidn’ttreatmelikeahumanbeing,nottomentionhispartnerinlife.HetreatedmelikeI
wasapossession.”

Ibitemylipforamoment,wipemyeyes,andkeeptalking,unabletokeepthewordsatbay.
“He’sahorribleman,V.”
“Yes.Heis.”
“AndnowIhavesomethingsobeautifulwithBen,andIcan’thelpbutfeelsorryforthewomanIwas

before,becauseshewasmissingoutonsomuchjoy.”

“Oh,Savannah.”
MygazewhipsuptohersandI’mmortifiedtoseeVioletcrying.“You’venevercriedinmyoffice

before.”

“Iknow.”
“AndeventhoughyouknewinyourheartlongagothatLancewasahorriblehusband,youcouldn’t

admititaloud.Eventome.”

Inodandwipemoretearsfrommycheeks.

“I’msohappyforyou,Van.Whatyou’vefoundwithBen,andthehealingthat’shappenedinyou

becauseofthatrelationshipisremarkable.”

“Thankyou.”Isniff,relievedthatthecryingjagseemstohavesubsided.“DoyouthinkI’m

completelyoverit?”

“Well,that’saquestiononlyyoucananswer.”Violetwipesherowneyes.“You’veabsolutelycomea

verylongway,andyou’remuchstrongernowthanyouwerewhenyouwalkedinheretwoyearsago.”

“Iam.”Inod.“AndIknowthattherewillalwaysbescars,andtheremaybemomentsthatsomething

triggersakneejerkreaction.Ican’thelpitwhenthathappens.”

“Itshouldhappenlessandlessastimepasses.”
Inodagain.“Icanseethat.I’dliketokeepcomingtoseeyouforawhile.”
“Idon’tthinkwe’redonequiteyet,”sheagrees.“But,wecouldprobablyscheduleappointments

twiceamonthratherthanonceaweek.”

“Awesome.”IstandandVioletpullsmeinforahug.“Thankyou.”
“It’sbeenmyabsolutepleasure,”shereplies.“Areyouofftoworknow?”
“I’mgoingtoswingbymyplacetograbsomethingsandthenI’mheadedtotheoffice.”
“Well,haveagreatday.”
AsIleaveViolet’sofficeandheadtowardmyhouse,itfeelslikeaweighthasbeenlifted.Aweight

thatI’vecarriedaroundwithmeforalong,longtime.It’samazing.

Ipullintomydriveway,surprisedtoseeBen’sloanercarthere.
“Ben?”IcalloutasIwalkintothehouse.
“Inthekitchen,”hecallsback.He’sonthephoneandhedoesn’tlookhappyintheleast.“Thereare

onlythreeofuswhotakethathomeeachnight,”hesays.He’srummagingthroughdrawers,shuffling
papers,andthenhurriesoutofthekitchenandupthestairstothebedroom.Isitinastoolattheisland,
waitingforhimtocomeback.

“What’sgoingon?”Iaskashewalksintothekitchen.
“Ethansaystheflashdrivethatwekeepallofourfinancialsonismissing.”Hepusheshisfingers

throughhishairandexhalesloudly.“Dependingonwhoclosesthatnight,itwouldbehim,Shelly,orme
thattakesithomeattheendofthenight.”

“Youkeepitonaflashdrive?Isn’tthatabitprimitive?”
“Thepointis,”hesays,ignoringme,“thatthepasswordstobankaccounts,balances,everythingison

there.Andmycheckingaccountwaswipedoutthismorning.”

“OhmyGod.”
“Ikeepthepayrollandsavingsonmycomputerathome,sothosearesafe,butwhoeverdidthistook

quitealot.IhavecallsouttomybankandCPA,butit’safuckingmess.”

“HowcanIhelp?”
Hekissesmyforehead.“Bepatientwithmetoday.”
“Icandothat.”
Henodsandfetcheshiscarkeys.“I’mgoingtocheckmyplaceagain,andthenbacktotheofficeto

teartheplaceapart.Doyouneedanythingfromme?”

“Ithinkyouhaveplentyonyourplate,”Ireply.“I’mgood.I’lltextyouwhenI’monmywayhome

fromworklater.”

Henodsandwavesasheleaves.Whocouldhavestolenhisfinancialinformation?Iwanderupstairs

andchangemyclothes,thenpauseinthelivingroom,glancingaboutincaseIseesomething.NotthatI
knowwhattheflashdrivelookslike,butitdoesn’thurttocheck.

Thesmallpileofmailfromyesterdaycatchesmyeyeonthecoffeetable.Iforgottogothroughit.
Isitonthesofaandthumbthroughautilitybill,somejunkmail,andalarge,paddedenvelope.Itearit

openandbreakoutinacoldsweat.I’mnumb.

WhattheactualfuckamIlookingat?
Photos.Ofme.OfBen.Atourjobs,comingoutofthedojo,atdinner.
Inmybed.
Thephotosfalloutofmyfingersandscatteroverthefloor.There’snothingelseintheenvelope.No

note.

Justthesephotos.
OhmyGod.
There’saknockatthedoor.Idon’tfeelmylegsasIstandtoanswerit,andcan’tevenprocessquite

whoI’mlookingatwhenthedoorswingsopen.Thesunisblindingme.Ishieldmyeyes.

“Lance?”
“Wedolookalotalike,don’twe?”Hegrinsandwalksin,pushingmebackwards.
“Larry?”
“Ohgood,”hesays,glancingdownatthephotosonthefloor.“Yougotthepackage.”
“Whatthehellisgoingon?”
“Jesus,Savannah,you’reslow,butyou’renotfuckingstupid.Whatdoyouthinkisgoingon?”
“Whotookthosephotos?”
Hesmiles,butthere’snolightinhiseyes.Jesus,helooksjustlikeLance.
Myphoneisinmypocket,butmyfingersareshakingtoomuchtobeabletodialit.
“Don’tdoanythingyou’llregret,”hesayscalmly.HepicksupaphotoofBenandmesleepinginmy

bedandsmirks.“Don’tyoulookcozyinthisone?”

“Whyareyoudoingthis?”
“Well,we’regoingtoexplaineverything.Don’tworry,wewon’tkeepyouinthedark.Butfirstyou

andIneedtogosomewhere.”

“No.”Ishakemyheadandbackup.“I’mnotgoinganywherewithyou.”
“Yes.Youare.”
“Youdon’tknowmeverywellifyouthinkI’mgettinginacarwithyou.”
“I’llbreakyourfuckingarm,andthenputyouinthecarandtakeyouanyway.IfyouthinkI’mbluffing,

you’remorestupidthanIthought.”

MyGod,helooksjustlikeLance.No,he’snotbluffing.Everythinginmeisscreamingtonotgetin

thatcar,butIdon’tseewhereIhaveachoice.

“Takeyourhandbagandkeys.We’renotuncivilized,”hesaysandsmilessweetlynow.“We’rejust

takingalittlefieldtrip.”

Hetakesmebythearmandleadsmeoutofmyhouse,downtheporchsteps,andtomycar.
“You’redriving.”
“Idon’tknowwherewe’regoing.”
Herollshiseyesandshovesmeintothepassengerseat,takesmykeys,andstartsmycar.“Fine.I’ll

drive.ButIhatedriving.”

“Ihatebeingherewithyou,butitlookslikewe’rebothstuckanyway.”
Hearchesabrowandpullsawayfrommyhouse.“NowonderLancesmackedyouaround.Youhave

quitethesmartmouthonyou.”

Idon’tanswerhim.Iturnmyheadandstareoutthewindowandhedrivesinsilence.Thecityslips

awayandwe’reoutinthecountryforwhatfeelslikeforever.WedrivethroughBatonRouge,andkeep
goinguntilheturnsoffthefreeway,followingsignsfortheLouisianaStatePenitentiary.

Myheadwhipsaround.“You’retakingmetotheprison?”
Hedoesn’tanswer.Hejustsmilesandshowsanarmedguardouridentification.Theydon’tevenbat

aneyeastheyletusdrivethrough.We’reledinsideandtoasmall,windowlessroomwithatableand
threechairssetupforus.

“Thisiswhereinmatesmeetwiththeirlawyers.”
“Lance’slawyerisn’there.”
“Yes,heis,”Larryrepliesproudly.“He’sassignedmeascouncilnowthathistrialisover.”
Ican’tbreathe.I’mcoveredinsweat.Ican’tstopshaking.Ihavetolookweakandvulnerable,which

isnothowIwanttolooktothem,butIcan’tstop.

“Theywouldn’tnormallyletyouinwithme,butImadeitworthsomeone’swhiletoletmedopretty

muchwhateverIwant.”

“You’repayingthemoff?”
Helaughsnow.“Oh,Savannah.You’resonaïve.Ifitwasn’tsopathetic,itwouldbecute.”
Adooropens,andLancewalksin.Theguarduncuffshimandhesitsoppositemeatthetable,staring

atme.

Staringthroughme.
“Wellhello,wife.”
“I’mnotyourwife.”
Hescoffs.“Atechnicality.You’restillmine,Van.You’llalwaysbemine.”
Ishakemyheadandstand.
“Iwanttoleave.”
“Sitdown,”Lancesaysinthatcalm,menacingvoiceheusedeverydayofourmarriage.Ihesitate,but

thenobey.“Goodgirl.”

“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Showher,”Lancesays,neverlookingawayfrommeashisbrotheropensabriefcasethatIdidn’t

evenseehimcarrying.Hepullsouthundredsofphotosandspreadsthemoverthetable.

Fuck.
Ican’tswallow.Ican’tbreathe.
“LookathowbigyoungSamhasgrown,”Lancesays,pointingataphotoofmysister’ssonwalking

homefromthebusstop.“AndhowsweetEli’sbabyandwifelookintheirbackyard.”

Isitstill,numblywatchingasheandLarrycombthroughthephotosofeverymemberofmyfamily,all

atdifferenttimesofday.

ThenLarrypullsoutphotosofBenandmeandLance’ssmileslips.
“Andnowyou’rewhoringyourselfouttoBen?”
Idon’tanswer,butrathersitinhorrorasmorephotosarepulledout.Benandme,allovertown.In

ourhomes.Withmyfamilyandhismom.

“Youhavesomeonewatchingus?”
“Clearly,”LancesaysandrollshiseyeslikeI’mstupid.“Weseeeverything.”
LarrytossesaphotooftheChanelNo.5onmyvanityontothepile.
“Youstoppedwearingyourperfume,”Lancesays.
“Ihatethatperfume.”
“Idon’tgiveafuck,”hereplies.“You’llfuckingwearit.Everygoddamnday.”
“I’mnotmarriedtoyou,”Iremindhimagain.“IcandowhatIwant.IcanwearwhatIwant.”
“Okay.”Lancesitsbackandcrosseshisarmsoverhischest.“Let’stalkaboutthat.Larry,showherthe

lastofthem.”

Benthrowingupatthesideoftheroad.Bengettingbeatupinfrontofhisbuilding.Benandme

standingonhisfrontporchwiththedooropen.BenandmestandingbyhisJeep,rightaftertheaccident.

“Iadmit,thewholecutbrakelinethingwasabitdramatic.”Heshrugs.“ButIkindoflikedtrying

somethingoutofthemovies.”

“Allofthisisyourfault?”
“Oh,thisandmore.”Hegrinsagain,lookingsofuckingsmug.Iwanttokickhimintheballs.“IsBen

havingsomefinancialtroublethismorning?”

“Whatthehell,Lance?You’redoingallofthisbecauseI’mnotwithyouanymore?”
“Whodoyouthinkyouare?”Lanceasks,ignoringmyquestion.“You’renothing,Van.You’reapiece

ofshit.You’refat,you’rehorribleinbed.Jesus,fuckingyouislikefuckingadeadfish.”

It’sallthingsI’veheardbefore.
“Doyouseriouslythinkyoudeservetobehappy?”hecontinues.“Youdon’tdeserveanythingexcept

forthebeatingIgaveyouwhenyouthoughtaboutleavingme.”

“AndyoudeservedtheoneBengaveyouinreturn.”
EverytinyounceofhumorleavesLance’sface.
“Youhavetwochoices.”Heleansinnow,pinningmeinhisstare.“Youcanbreakupwiththisprick,

gobacktolivingthewayIsayyoumay,andI’llleaveBenandtherestofyourfuckedupfamilyalone.”

“Or?”
“Or,youcankeepseeingBen.Fuckinghim.Youcankeepyourhairshort,andwearingyourdisgusting

perfume,andpretendinglikeIneverexistedinyourworld.”

“I’lltakethatoption.”
“Ifyoudo,I’ll—”
“You’llwhat?You’llbepissedandkeepfollowingme?DoyouthinkIcan’tcallthecopsandmy

lawyerandputastoptothis?”

Hetiltshisheadtotheside,watchingme.“No.I’llslowlydestroyeveryoneyoulove.”
“Youcan’tdothat.”
Hislipstwitch.“I’vealreadystarted.Butletmebeclear.Iwon’tkillBen.That’stooeasy.No,I’ll

makeBen’slifehell.I’lldestroyhim.Financially,emotionally.Itwillbeaconstantbattle,andhe’llnever
knowwhereI’llcomefromnext.”

“Youtalkabiggame,Lance,butIdon’tbelieveyou’llpullitoff.”
“We’vebeeninyourhouse,”Larryremindsme.“Andhis.Whenyou’resleeping.Whenyou’re

fucking.We’realwayswatching.”

“AndthenI’llstartwithyourfamily.Thisisgoingtobequitefun,actually,soI’mkindofhopingyou

gowiththisoption.LookathowinnocentandsafeSamlookswhilehewalkshomefromthebus?”

“Keepyourfuckinghandsoffofmyfamily.”
Heignoresme,andkeepslookingthroughthephotos.HeholdsuponeofMallorylockinguphershop

afterdark.“Malloryshouldn’tcloseherplaceupbyherselfafterdarkintheQuarter.Anythingcould
happen.Oh,andlookatthisone!Yourmamaoutsideinhergarden.Shehasearbudsinherears.I’mquite
sureshewouldn’thearsomeonecomeupbehindher.”

I’mseeingred.“You’rethreateningmyfamily.”
“Oh,youknowthisisn’tathreat,sugar.Thisiswhat’sgoingtohappen.Youmayhaveputmeinhere,

butyoudidn’tkeepmefromdoingwhatIdobest.”

“Terrorism?”
“I’mjustbeingagoodhusband.I’mhelpingyoumakegoodchoices.”
“You’recrazy.”
“Callmethatagainandyou’llseehowfastIcancomeacrossthistableandchokeyouout.Thereare

nowindowsinhere.”

OhmyGod.
“Ifyou’rethinkingofgoingtoyourbrothersaboutthis,”Larrysays,“youmightwanttothinkagain.

Becauseatanygivenmoment,wehavepeoplewatchingthem.Infact,”heopenshisphoneandturnsit
aroundsoIcansee,“Ijustreceivedthisphotoaminuteago.”

It’sofBencomingoutofhishouse.
“Weboughtthehouseacrossthestreet,”hecontinues.“Ihaveasniperupstairs,andatanymomenthe

couldtakeBenout.”

He’swinning.I’mnevergoingtobefreeofhim.
“Youcareaboutalloftheseidiots.Ihavenoideawhy,”Lancesays,asifhe’stalkingtoagoodfriend,

jokingaroundwithhim.“Butyoudo.Somyhunchis,you’regoingtoditchBenandmindyourmanners
fromhereonout.”

“IsitbecauseBenbeattheshitoutofyou?”Iasksoftly.“Becausehe’sbetterthanyou?”
“He’snotbetterthanme.Youchosemeoverhimlongago.No,it’sonlypartlybecauseofthephysical

painyouallowedhimtoinflictonme.It’smostlybecauseyou’remine.Andyoudon’tgettobewith
anyoneelse.Ever.Iwon’tallowit.”

“Youdon’thaveasay.”
Hebustsuplaughingandpointstothephotos.“HaveyouheardanythingI’vesaid?HaveIever

bluffedwhereyou’reconcerned?”

No.No,hehasn’t.Lancedoesn’tbluff.
“So,thosearethechoices.Yourememberyourplaceandgobacktobehavingthewayyoushould,or

youcontinuethisnonsenseandIterrorizeyourfamily.Eitherway,IgetwhatIwant,soI’mreallycontent
withwhateveryoudecide.See?Ihavechanged.I’mwillingtocompromise.”

There’saknockonthedoorandLarryimmediatelyscoopsupthephotosandputsthembackinthe

briefcase.

“Takethathome,”Lancesays.“It’sokay,Ihavecopies.Thinkaboutittonight.I’llknowwhatyou

decideinthemorning.”

“How?”
“Well,itwouldn’tbefunifIsharedallmysecretsnow,wouldit?”HewinksandLarrypassesmy

keysbacktome.“Youcandriveyourselfhomenow.”

“Pleasedon’tdothis.”
“God,you’resofuckingpathetic.Soboring.Youshouldgonow,beforeIdecidetohaveLarryfollow

yououtandgiveyouablackeye.”Hesmilesandwiggleshisfingers.“Bye,wife.”

BilerisesintothebackofmythroatasIhurryoutoftheprisonandbacktomycar.Ithrowthecasein

thebackseatandgetawayasfastasIcan.Ihavetocallmybrothers.Ben.Mama.

Ihavetocallthepolice!
ButLance’sfaceisstillinmyhead,andIknowinmyheartofheartsthatI’velost.Hewasn’tbluffing.

He’llhurtthem.He’llhurtthemforever.

AndIcan’thavethat.
Iturnonthewindshieldwipersandthenfrownwhenthewaterdoesn’tclearaway.
It’snotrain.
It’stears.
Andaholeinsidemesodeepandwidethatnothingwilleverfillitupeveragain.

ChapterSixteen

~Ben~

“Idon’tknowhowthishappened,”Shellysays,intears.I’mbackatthedojonow,andShelly,Ethan,

andIareinmyoffice,wrackingourbrains.“Iknowitwasinmypurselastnight.Ialwayszipitintothe
pocketinside.”

“Andyoudidn’tdropyourbag?”Iask.“Maybeyoudidn’tzipitanditfellandthedrivefellout?”
“No.”
“Okay,look,”Ethansays,holdinghishandsup.“It’smissing.Thebankisworkingonthefraudulent

charges.There’snothingelsetobedoneaboutitrightnow.”

“You’reright,”Ireplyandsqueezethebackofmyneck.“It’llgetsortedout.I’mgoingtohire

someonetorevampourbookssoit’smoresecure.Ishouldhavedoneitalongtimeago.Thisisonme.”

“Shelly,youshouldcallitaday,”Ethansays.“Youdon’thaveanymoreclassestodayanyway.”
“Thanks.”Shestands,butdoesn’tleavetheroom.“I’mtrulysorry.”
“Goregroupandwe’llseeyoutomorrow,”Ireplyandsighwhensheclosesthedoorbehindher.

“Whatashitshow.”

“Youcansaythatagain,”Ethansays.“ButImeanit.We’llgetitfiguredout.”
“Iknow.”Ethanleavesaswell,andIreachformyphonetocallVan.Itringsandthengoestovoice

mail.“Hey,Angel.You’reprobablyswampedatwork.Ijustwantedtohearyourvoice.Haveagood
afternoon,andI’llseeyoulatertonight.”

Iendthecallandfrown.Somethinghasfeltoffforthepastcoupleofweeks.There’snothingthatIcan

see,it’sjustbeenalotofshittythingshappening,onerightaftertheother.

Ishrugandchalkituptobadluckjustasmyphonerings.
“ThisisBen.”
“Hi,Ben,thisisSally.”Hervoiceisshaking,puttingmeinstantlyonhighalert.“YourmomandIare

atthehospital.”

“Why?”
“Well,I’dreallyrathertellyouinperson.We’reinroom3344atTulane.”
“I’llberightthere.”Iendthecallandrushoutofmyoffice,fillingEthaninasIgrabmykeysand

hurryouttotheloanercar.

Ifuckinghatethisloaner.Itfeelslikeittakesmeanhourtogettothehospital,park,andgetupto

Mom’sroom.Sally’satherbedsideandadoctoristalkingtothemboth.

Momlookslikeshe’sbarelyabletostayawake.
“Ohgood,Ben’shere,”Sallysaystothedoctor.“ThisisMillie’sson,Ben.”
Thedoctorshakesmyhand.“I’mDr.Coltrain.We’veadmittedyourmother,andIhavetobehonest,

Ben,she’sinbadshape.”

“What’shappening?”
“Ihaven’ttoldhimwhat’sgoingon,”Sallysays.She’swringingherhandsinnervousness.
“YourmotherwasgivenalethaldoseofAtivan.”
“How?”
“Herprescriptionsweredeliveredtoday,liketheyalwaysare,”Sallysays,“andIgaveherhermeds,

buttheremusthavebeenamixupatthepharmacy.”

“Sallycalledanambulanceassoonasyourmotherstartedshowingsignsofpoisoning,”Dr.Coltrain

says.“Andwewereabletocounteractthemedicine,butshe’sstillaverysickwoman.”

She’ssleepingnow,aspaleasthewhitesheetsshe’slyingon.

“Iexpecthertomakeafullrecovery,butshe’llbewithusforafewdays.Todayisgoingtobethe

worstofit.”

“Icanstaywithher,”Sallysays,butIshakemyheadno.
“I’llstay.Yougoonhome.I’dappreciateitifyoucancomeuptomorrow.”
“Ofcourse.”Shestandsandpatsmyshoulder.“I’msosorry.”
“Notyourfault,”Ireply.Whenshe’sgone,Iturntothedoctor.“Whatmedicinedidshetakeagain?”
“Wesentthepillstothepharmacytobeidentifiedtobesure,butbasedonhersymptoms,Ithinkit

wasaveryhighdoseofAtivan.”

“That’sadowner.”
Henods.
“Wasitenoughtokillher?”
“Maybe,”hesayswithagrimnod.“Butwepumpedherstomachandshe’sactuallyalreadylooking

muchbetterthanshedidwhenshefirstarrived.”

“Shit,shelookshorrible.”
“Hearyou,”shewhisperswithoutopeninghereyes.Igrinandkissherforehead.
“Youlookbeautiful.”
Shedoesn’tanswerandthedoctorcloseshislaptop.“I’llbehereforanothersixhours.I’llbringthe

doctorwhowilltakeoverformetonightintomeetyoubeforeIleave.Ifyouneedanything,don’thesitate
topushthatredbutton.”

Inodandsitquietlyafterthedoctorleaves.WhenMomisdeepinsleep,Ireachformyphoneand

dialVan’snumberagain.Thistimeitdoesn’tevenring,itjustgoesstraighttovoicemail,soIhangupand
callheroffice.

“SavannahBoudreaux’soffice,”Beckysaysingreeting.
“Hi,Becky,thisisBen.CanyoupleaseputmethroughtoVan?It’sanemergency.”
“I’msorry,Ben,sheisn’tintheofficetoday.”
“Ofcoursesheis,”Ireplywithafrown.
“No,shenevershowedup.Ipresumeshe’sworkingfromhometoday.”
“Thanks.”IendthecallandshootatexttoVan.
Beckysaysyou’renotintheofficetoday.Everythingokay?Pleasecall.
WhenIdon’thearfromherthirtyminuteslater,IcallBeau.
“Hey,”hesays.
“Hi.I’matthehospitalwithmymom.Therewasamixupwithhermeds,andshe’sgoingtobehere

foracoupleofdays.”

“Shit,I’msorry,”hesays.“Howcanwehelp?”
“Well,I’mfinefornow,butIcan’treachVan.Isawherthismorning,butBeckysaidthatVannever

cameintoworktoday,andIcan’tgethertoanswerthephone.”

“Sheprobablyhasitturnedoff,”Beausays.
“Maybe,butIhaveabadfeeling.Canyoucheckinonher?”
“Sure.Doyouwantmetocomeuptothehospitalwithyou?”
“No.Mom’ssleeping.They’llkickmeoutwhenvisitinghoursareover.ButpleasecheckonVanand

tellhertocallme.”

“Willdo.”
ButtwohoursgobyandIdon’thearfromher.Beautextedandsaidhespokewithher.Shewasn’t

feelingwellandwasnappingathome.

Ratherthancallherlikeagoddamnstalker,IleaveherbeandplantocheckinonherafterItalktothe

nightdoctorandleaveforthenight.

“Hi,myboy,”Momsaysgroggily.

“Hey,howareyoufeeling?”
“Neverbeensosleepyinallmydays,”shesays.“Youshouldgo.I’mjustgoingtosleep.”
“I’mgoingtostayuntilIcantalktoyourdoctor,andthenI’llgo.”
“Okay.”
Shefallsrightbacktosleep,andlessthanthirtyminuteslaterthenurseanddoctorarrivetotalkabout

theirplanforthenight.

“Irecommendyougohome,”thedoctorsays.“She’ssleepingcomfortably,andifanythingchanges

we’llcallyou.”

“Thankyou.”Istand,butthenturnback.“Doweknowhowthemixuphappened?Shedoesn’teven

takeAtivan,soit’snotlikeitwasjustamistakeindosage.”

“Wedon’tknow,”hesayswithafrown.“Butit’sbeenreportedandtherewillbeaninvestigation.”
Inodandleave,wantingnothingmorethantoseeSavannah,andseeformyselfthatshe’sokay.

Thankfullyshedoesn’tlivetoofaraway.

Hercarisinthedriveway,andthelightsareoninthelivingroom.
“Hello?”IcalloutafterIletmyselfinwiththekeyshegavemeandwalkinside.Vancomesoutof

thekitchenwithasteamingmugoftea,setsitdown,butdoesn’tsit.Shealsodoesn’tlookmeintheeyes.

“Areyouokay,Angel?”
“Fine.”Sheforcesasmileandpullsherzip-uphoodietightlyaroundher.“Beautoldmeyourmom

isn’tfeelingwell?”

Icockmyheadtotheside,watchingher.Somethingiswayoff.“She’sgoingtobefine.What’sgoing

onwithyou?”

“Oh,nothing,”shesays.“Justabugofsomekind.”
Isteptowardher,butshequicklybacksaway.“Youshouldn’tcomenearme.I’msick.”
“Someoneoncetoldmethatifyou’retakingcareofsomeonewho’ssickyoucan’tgetsickyourself.”
“That’ssilly,”shemurmurs.“Youknow,Ben—”Shedoesn’tfinishthesentence.Shetakesadeep

breathandclearsherthroat.“Youknow,Ithinkthingsaremovingkindoffastbetweenus.”

Inarrowmyeyes,watchingher.Shepushesherhairoffofherfaceandbitesherlip,buthereyesstill

won’tmeetmine.

“Imean,we’vereallyrushedthings,andIwastalkingtomycounselorthismorning,andshepointed

outthatmaybeweshouldslowthingsdownabit.”

“That’salie,”Ireplycalmly.She’supsetaboutsomething,andshe’stryingtorunawayratherthanlet

mehelp.

“It’snotalie,”shesnaps.“I’mnotcomfortablewithhowquicklyourrelationshipismoving.Ithink

it’sagoodideatojusttakeabreakforabitandcatchourbreath.”

“Idon’tneedtostepback.”
“Well,it’snotallaboutyou,”shesays.She’sirritatedandpacingthelivingroomnow.
“Whydidn’tyouansweryourphoneearlier?”
“Iwasbusy.”
“Youdidn’tcallafteryouheardaboutMom.”
“Youdon’tgettotellmewhenIhavetocallyou,”shesays,workingherselfup.“Youdon’tcontrol

me.I’llcallyouwhenIdamnwellwantto.AndifIwanttostopseeingyou,I’lldothattoo.Itwasnever
goingtowork.”Shelaughshumorlessly.“Howdidweeverthinkitwouldwork?”

“Becausewe’reinlovewitheachotherandbeingwithoutyouisahellIdon’twanttoever

experienceagain?”

“Stopitwiththeprettywords,”sheyells.“Yousayalloftherightthingsandthenyouhavesexwith

meandmakemefeelthings,andIgiveintoyoubecauseitallfeelsgood,evenifthat’snotwhatIreally
want.It’snotfair!”

“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Iwantyoutogo.Iwanttostopseeingyoubecauseit’sonlygoingtoendbadly,andthenit’llhurt

everyonewelove.Ican’tbeselfishaboutthis,Ben.I’vetoldyouthatfromthebeginning.”

“You’renotbeinghonestwithme.”
“Stopcallingmealiar!”She’spantingnow.
“You’rehavingapanicattack.”
“Don’ttellmewhatI’mhaving.”Shelooksatmenow,squareintheeyes,andthepaintherealmost

bringsmetomyknees.

“Letmefixthis.”MyGod,she’sshatteringmeintoamillionpieces.“Savannah,Idon’tknowwhat

madeyoucometothisconclusiontoday,butyou’rewrong.Wecanmakethiswork.”

“Idon’twanttodothis,”shewhispers.“Ican’tdothis.”
“Savannah.”
“Youneedtogo.”
“No.I’mnotleavingyoulikethis.”
“Goddamnit,Ben,justgo.”
Imovetowardher,needingtopullherintomyarms,butsheflinches,puttingherhandupasifto

deflectablow,anditstopsmeinmytracks.

“Didyoujustflinch?”
“Yes.I’mobviouslyafraidofyou,”shesays.
“Whatthefuck,Savannah?”
“Don’tyouswearatme,”shereplies.“Iwantyououtofmyhouse.I’llpackyourthingsandyoucan

getthemoffoftheporchtomorrowafternoon.”

Ishakemyhead,staringather,butshedoesn’tmove.Herfacedoesn’tchange.She’spanting,her

handsinfistsatherside,andshe’swaitingformetoleave.

SoIdo.Imakemyselfturnawayandwalkoutthedoor,downtomycar,anddriveawayfromher

house.

Whatintheeverlovingfuckjusthappened?
Onceathome,Ican’tstoppacing.Thinking.
I’msofuckingpissedoff.Whatisshethinking?Idon’tbuythewholemycounselorsaysbullshit.

Whathappenedtoday?

Iwanttomarchbackoverthereandmakeherlistentome,butthatwillonlyendindisaster.Iwon’t

sleep.Ican’tsitstill.

SoIcallEthan.
“Iknowit’slate,butIneedafavor,”Isaywhenheanswers.
“Whatdoyouneed?”
“Ineedyoutomeetmeatthedojo.Ineedtokicksomeone’sass,andyouareoneofthefewIknow

whocankeepupwithme.”

“Icoulduseafewroundsintheringwithyou.It’sbeenaminutesincewesparred.”
“I’mheadingtherenow.”
AsidefromtheBoudreauxes,Ethanisoneofmyclosestfriends,andoneofthebestKravMaga

mastersI’vemet.He’sanassettomyteam,andanexcellentsparringpartner.

He’salreadytherewhenIarrive.It’sdarkinside,withjustthesmalldojolightson.
“What’sup,man?”heasksasIwalkin.
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit,”Ireply.“Butyou’regoingtoneedahelmetbecauseI’mfuckingpissed

andI’mgoingtotrytokickyourass.”

Hegrins.“Fun.”He’ssmartenoughtogetahelmet,andIadvance,notpullinganypunches.Ethanis

shorterthanme,butjustasstrong.HetakesmedownandwestruggleforafewminutesuntilIworkmy

waylooseandreverseourpositions.Ipunchhimandthenrollaway,givinghimachancetogetbackup.

Wegolikethisuntilbothofusarelyingonthematinexhaustedheaps,bothofusonourbacks.
“You’reprettyworkedup,”Ethansaysashestrugglestocatchhisbreath.“Isitthefinancials?”
“That’sonlyapieceofit,”Ireplyandsitup.“Itwasmaybetheshittiestdayofmylife.”
“ShittierthanthattimeyoulostintheringtothatkidfromCanada?”
“Yes.”
“ShittierthanthedayyoustoppedfightingfortheMMA?”
“Yes.”
“Doyoumissit?”
“TheMMA?”
Henods.
“No.IbeatmybodyupdailysoIcouldwhoopassinacage.I’mtoooldforthatshitnow.Ilikemy

business.”

“You’regoodatit.”Hetugshishelmetoffandwinces.“It’sagoodthingIwasn’tstubbornandtold

youtoshovethehelmetupyourass.”

“Icouldgoanotherround.”
Heglancesatme,surprised.“I’mdone,man.Gohitthebag.Orgohomeandfuckyourgirlfriend.”
Igrowlandstalkawayfromhim.
“Ah,she’soneoftheproblems.”Helaughs.“Makessense.Mywifedrivesmebattyeightypercentof

thetime.Butshe’sthebestthingI’lleverhaveinmylife.”

“Idon’treallywanttotalkaboutwomen,”Ireply.“Youcantakeoff.I’llpunchthebagforabit.”
Butafterheleaves,Idon’thavetheenergytokeeppunchingthebag.Ican’tgohome.Therearetoo

manymemoriesofVanthere,andI’lljustmakemyselfcrazy.

So,Igotomyofficeandlaydownonthecouch.It’squiethereatnight.Hauntedasfuck,with

footstepsupintheattic.Iuseitforstorage,andwherethefootstepsare,iscurrentlycoveredinboxes.

Butthatdoesn’tbotherme.I’musedtoit.
WhatbothersmeisthatSavannahhasshutmeout.Ifshethinksit’sover,shedoesn’tknowmevery

well.

ChapterSeventeen

~Savannah~

SeeingthepainonBen’sfacewhenheleftmyhouseisconceivablythemosthorriblethingI’veever

seeninmylife.EverywordIsaidtohimcutmeinside,andIwantedtorunafterhimtotellhimthetruth,
tobeghimtohelpme.

ButIcouldn’t.
Ican’t.
Bencan’tfixthis.Noonecanfixthis.
Exceptme.Ijustpraythatwhenit’sallsaidanddone,Bencanforgiveme.
Iturnoutallofthelightsonmywayuptomybedroom.Idon’texpecttosleeptonight,soIgraba

notebookandpenandsettleonthebed,readytomakeseverallists.

It’swarmtoday.Almosttoowarm,especiallyouthereonthewater.I’mwearingasuperwide

brimmedhat,protectingmyfaceandshouldersfromthesunshine.DaddyandIarefloatinglazilyon
thelake,ourfishingpoleslyingonthebottomoftheboat.

“Fisharen’tbitingtoday,”Daddysays.“Butthat’sokay.Sometimesit’snicetojustsitonthewater

andenjoythequiet.”

Inodandleanback,closingmyeyes.“It’saniceday.Abitwarm.”
“Youneverdidlikethehotweather.”
Igrin.“Idon’tknowhowIcouldhavebeenborninLouisianaandnotlikewarmweather,but

you’reright.Iactuallypreferacold,rainyday.Butit’snicetobeoutherewithyoutoday.”

AndthenIremember.Painslicesrightthroughme,justasbrightasthedayhedied.
“I’vemissedyou,”isallIcansay.Daddysmilessoftlyandreachesouttopatmyknee.
“I’mwithyou,”hesays.“Youcan’talwaysseeme,butI’mnevertoofaraway.”
“I’mgladyoucometomeindreams,”Ireplyandsighhappilywhenthesunslipsbehindacloud.

“That’sbetter.”

“Ilovespendingtimewithyou,babygirl,butwehavesomethingtodiscuss.”
“Wedo?”
There’snohumorinhiseyesnowashenodssolemnly.“Youknowwedo.”
Lance.Theprison.Thephotos.Itallhitsmeagain,andIjustfeelashamed.
“I’msorry,”Iwhisper.
“What,exactly,areyousorryfor?”
“I’veputthefamilyindangeragain.”
Heshakeshisheadimpatientlyandtakeshisfishinghatoffhisheadlongenoughtoscratchhis

hairandthenpushesitbackon.

“Forsuchasmartlittlething,therearemomentsthatIwanttothrottleyou.”
“Youneverthrottledme,”Ireply.“AndI’mnotbeingdumb.”
“SavannahJeanBoudreaux,youdidn’tdoanythingwrong.Andyouknowit.”
“It’shappeningagain,”Imurmur.“He’sthreateningtohurtourfamily,allbecauseIfellinlove

withBenalloveragainandheandIaretryingtobehappytogether.Lancewillneversitbackandlet
memoveonfromhim.”

“Youknowwhattodo,”Daddysaysgently.“You’vealreadyputtheplanintomotion.It’sashame

thatBenwascaughtinthecrossfire.”

Thinkingaboutithurts.“Ihurthim.”

“Yes.Youdid.”
“Buthewouldtrytofixthisforme,andIdon’tneedhimtodothat.”
“No,youdon’t.”Hesmilesnowandtheknotinmystomachloosens.“I’msoproudofyou,

Savannah.Youdon’tlookdefeatedlikeyoudidbefore.Youlookgoodandpissedoff,andthat’sjusthow
itshouldbe.”

“Iampissed,”Ireplyhonestly.“Thatactuallymightbethebiggestunderstatementever.I’mso

blindedbyanger.Hescaredme,likehedidbefore.Maybeworsethistimebecauseheshowedmethe
picturesofthebabies.”

“He’splayingmindgameswithyou,Van.”
“Iknow.Ittookmeseveralhourstolettheterrorsubsideandrealizethathe’sjusttryingtoscare

meandbendtohiswill.ButI’mnothiswife.AndevenifIwere,noonehastherighttotreatmethat
way.”

“There’smygirl,”hesayswithasmile.“You’reanamazingwoman,Savannah.Ben’saluckyman.”
“Ifheforgivesme,”Ireplyandfeelmyeyeswellwithtears.“Hemightnot.”
“Youhaven’tdoneorsaidanythingunforgivable,”Daddyrepliesandpatsmykneeagain.“You’ll

workthisoutandbebetterforit.”

“You’vealwayshadsomuchmoreconfidenceinmethanIhaveinmyself,”Ireply.
“BecauseIcanseeyou,Daughter.Iseeyouthewayyoushouldseeyourself.Andyou’rebeginning

to.”

“Iwishyouhadn’tgoneaway,”Iwhisper.“Dreamsaren’tenough.”
“Wewantitall,don’twe?”Henodsandadjustshishatagain.“I’mhere.Andyourbrotherslove

you.You’resurroundedwithpeoplethatyoucanleanonandaskforhelpwhenyouneedit.”

“Noneofthemaremydaddy.”
“True.”Hesmiles.“Ithasbeenthepleasureofmylifetobeyourfather.Now,yougotakecareof

yourbusiness.”

“WillIseeyouagain?”
“I’llcomevisitnowandagain.”Hepicksuphispole.“Let’sgetussomedinner.”

ThesunisalreadyupandshininginmybedroomwhenIwaken.Ididn’tthinkI’dsleepatall,yetit

seemsthatIsleptforaboutninehours,whichisgoodbecauseI’mgoingtoneedtherest.

It’sgoingtobeabusyday.

***

“Goodmorning,”Declansaysashepullshisfrontdooropen.“Youcouldhavecalledtoletmeknow

youwereonyourwayover.Iwouldhavemadebreakfast.”

“Oh,I’mnothungry,”Ireply.Ican’tcallbecausemyphoneistapped.“CanIcomein?”
“Ofcourse.”HebacksupsoIcancomeintothehouseandclosesthedoorbehindme.“Van’shere!”

heyellsouttoCallie.

“IhopeIdidn’twakeyouguysup.”
“Wedidn’tworklastnight,”herepliesasheleadsmebacktothekitchenwhereCallieismakinga

cupofcoffee.

“Hi,Van,”shesayswithasmile.
“Hey.”IloveCallie.She’sperfectformybrother.Butrightnow,Ineedtotalktojusthim.Iglance

overatDeclanandheimmediatelyknows.

“Hey,Cal,canyougiveusafewminutes?”
“Sure.”ShefinishespouringthecreaminhercoffeeandkissesDeclanasshewalksoutoftheroom.

“I’llbeupstairs.”

“Thankyou,”Decsays,watchingmeclosely.“What’sgoingon?”

“Whydoyouthinksomething’sgoingon?”Iask,evadingthequestion.“Icoulduseacupofcoffee.”
“Inaminute.First,tellmewhat’sonyourmind.”
Idon’twanttotellhim.Iprobablyshouldn’thavecomehere,butIneededtoseemytwinbrother.

“Well,IbrokeitoffwithBen.”

HestaresatmeforseverallongsecondsasifIjusttoldhimthatIsoldmyshareofthecompany.

“Why?”

Ishrug.It’skillingmetolie,butIhavetokeepupthefaçade.IfIdon’t,Larrycouldhurtsomeone.
“Itwasalwaysabadidea,”Isayatlast.“Itwasbesttoenditbeforeitmadethingsreallybad

betweenourfamilies.”

“Bullshit,”hesaysandcrosseshisarmsoverhischest.“Tryagain.”
“I’mserious,”Ireply.“Nottomention,thingsweremovingreallyfast.Toofast.Wewantdifferent

things.”

“Stillnotbuyingit.”
“Doordon’t,itdoesn’tchangeit.Benisn’ttheoneforme.”
Ipullapieceofpaperoutofmyhandbagandpassittohim,holdingmyfingerovermylipssohe

doesn’treaditaloud.

Ihavethisundercontrol.Trustme.Pleasedon’tinterfere.
Hiseyeswhipuptomeetmineandhecockshisheadtotheside,scowling.Ishakemyhead,keeping

himfromspeaking.

“So,IthinkI’mgoingtotakeadayortwooffofworkandgetmyshittogether.Ifyouneedme,text

me,okay?”

“Okay.”He’ssearchingmyface,worrywrittenalloverhim.“Areyouokay?”
“I’mactuallydoingjustfine.I’mgoingtobegreat.”
That,atleast,istrue.
“Callmeifyouneedme,”hesays,andIcanhearwhathe’snotsaying.Callmewhenyoucantellme

whatthefuckisgoingon.

“Iwill.”Igivehimabriefhugandwalktothefrontdoor.“TellCallieIsaidI’llseehersoon.”
Andwiththat,Ishutthedoorbehindme.Ineedmyfamilytoknowthatsomethingisupwithme,butI

can’ttellthemexactlywhat.Notyet.NotuntilIhavethisallfiguredout,andIknowwithoutadoubtthat
noonecanhurtthem.Declanistheonewhocanreadmethebest,andIcantrustthathe’llwaitformeto
reachouttohim.Theotherswouldpushmeasideandtrytoslaymydragonsforme.

Idon’tneedthat.
Itossmycellphoneinmyhandbag,fullyintendingtoignoreitforthenextfewdays,andpullouta

throwawayphonethatIboughtthismorning.IpullawayfromDec’shouseandkeepaneyeonmyrear
view.

Someoneisfollowingme.Theyfollowedmeherefrommyhouse.Idon’tknowhowmuchtheycan

hear,orwhattheymighthavewiretapped,soIboughtthisdisposablephone.

IdialthenumberthatIhaven’thadtocallinalmosttwoyears,butoneI’llneverforget.
“NewOrleansPoliceDepartment,LieutenantJacobs’office.”
“Hi,thisisSavannahBoudreaux.IneedtotalktoLieutenantJacobs,please.”
“Savannah,wehaven’theardfromyouinawhile,”LieutenantJacobs’assistantsays.“I’llputyou

rightthrough.”

“Thankyou.”
Thelineissilentandthenhe’sontheline,hisvoicelowandfirm.“Savannah?”
“Hi.Ineedyourhelp.”
“Howquicklycanyoubehere?”
“I’mheadedtherenow.I’llbethereintenminutes.”

“I’llbewaiting.”
HeendsthecallandItakethelongwaytotheprecinct.Igetonthefreewayandspeedup,weavingin

andoutofeverylanetolosethetail.Tomyuttershock,itworks,andItakethenextexit,thendoubleback
tothepolicedepartment.Iparkandhurryinside,straighttoLieutenantJacobs’office.

“It’sbeenaminutesinceI’veseenyou,”hesaysasheholdshisdooropenforme.“Nocallswhile

I’minthismeeting.”

“Ofcourse,”hisassistantreplies.
Heclosesthedoorbehindus,andratherthansitbehindhisdesk,hesitsinthechairnexttomine.He

wasalwaysgoodatmakingmefeelcomfortablewithhim,andasidefrommydad,there’snooneelseI’d
trustmoretohelpme.LieutenantJacobshastobenearingsixty.Hehassaltandpepperhairandbrown
eyesthathaveseenmorethantheirshareofhorriblethings.

“What’sgoingon?”heasks.
“Alot.Youmightwanttorecordthis.”
Hiseyesnarrow,buthereachesforhisphone,openstheapp,andsetsinonthedeskinfrontofme.

“Okay,we’reready.”

Inod,takeadeepbreath,andspendthenexthourtellinghimeverythingthat’shappenedoverthepast

fewweeks,beginningwithBenandIdecidingtostartseeingeachother.IrecountBenbeingpoisoned,the
caraccident,Bengettingbeatup,andeveryotherthingIcanthinkof,includingtheaccidentalmixupin
Ben’smom’smedication.

ThenIshowhimallofthephotos.
Hedoesn’tsayanythinguntilI’mdonewiththestory.
“Larrytookyou,againstyourwill,totheprison?”
“Yes.”
Henodsandthensitsbackandlooksoveratmewithhardbrowneyes.
Copeyes.
“Thatmotherfucker.”Iblinkrapidly,surprised.“Iknewweshouldhavehadarestrainingorder

againstLarryaswell.”

“That’sonme,”Ireply.“Itrulybelievedhewasdifferent.Ididn’trealizethatheandLancewerein

cahoots.”

Heblowsoutagustybreathandasksmetogothroughitallagain.It’sanexhaustingafternoon.
“Canyouhelpme?”Iask.
“Darlin’,notonlywillIhelpyou,butwe’regoingtomakesurethattheycannevertrytohurtyouever

again.Ithoughtweaccomplishedthatbefore,butwedidn’twrapituptightenough.Youhavemysincere
apologyforthat.”

“He’sevil,”Ireplywithashrug.“Nonormalpersonwouldeverdreamthathe’dcomeupwithhalfof

whathe’sdone.AmIgoingtohavetogobackthere?Wearawire,orsomething?”

Thethoughtofthatalonemakesmebreakoutintoasweat.
“No.”Hesmileskindly.“Iwouldlikeforyoutospendthenextforty-eighthoursdoingwhatyou’re

doing.PlayalongwhileIgetmyteaminplacetotakethemdown.Therewillbenomistakesmade,no
reasonforalawyertocomebackwithaholeinourinvestigation.Thesemenareallgoingawayforthe
restoftheirlives.Canyoudothat?”

Icringe,butnod.“I’mhurtingmyfamilybylyingtothem,butIdidn’tseeanotherway.Hethreatened

them,andIknowhim.Hewouldfollowthrough.SoIthoughtthatifitlookslikeI’mplayingalong,he
wouldn’thurtanyonebeforeIcouldcometoyou.”

“That’sabsolutelythebestthingyoucouldhavedone,”hereplies.“I’mgoingtogetworkingonthis

rightnow.Idon’twanttocallyourcellphoneifIhavenews.”

“Iboughtadisposable.”Irattleoffthenumberforhim.

“You’reasmartwoman.”
“I’velearnedalotinthepasttwoyears,”Ireplywithasadgrin.“Icanprotectmyself.”
“Good.I’llcallyouthesecondwehavethemincustody.”
Inodandstandtoleave,thenturnandgivehimahug.“Thankyou.”
“You’regoingtobejustfine.”
Inodandwalkout,confidentthatLieutenantJacobswilltakecareofLarry,Lance,andwhomever

they’vehiredtohelpthemtakemyfamilyapart.

HemadeabigmistakeinthinkingthatI’drolloverandtakehisshit.

***

“Noonecanreachyouonyourcellphone,”Beausaysthenextafternoonashewalksintomyoffice.

“I’vereceivedcallsfromMom,Gabby,andMallorytoday.ActuallyMallorycalledthreetimes.”

Idomybesttokeepmyfaceneutral,hatingmyselfforlying.“Imusthaveforgotitathome.Sorry

they’rebuggingyou.”

“Also,you’reactingweird.”
Ifrownandlookaroundmyoffice.“I’mworking.Howisthatactingweird?”
“Idon’tknow.”Heleansagainstmydeskandtapshislipswithhisforefinger.“Butwhenyouignore

Mal,Igettohearaboutit.Shethinkssomething’sup.”

“Well,thisisonetimethatshe’swrong.”
“She’swrongonceinawhile,”heconcedesandthenhurriestosay,“butdon’ttellherIsaidthat.”
“Yoursecretissafewithme.”
Iseemtobekeepingalotofsecretslately.
“Seriously,iseverythingokay?IheardaboutBen.”
“I’msurprisedyoudidn’tbullyyourwayintomyofficetogrillmeaboutthat.”
“Irarelybully,”hesays.“AndIthoughtyoumightneedalittlespace.”
“You’reright.IguessI’vebeenprocessingalotthepastfewdays.That’sprobablywhyIforgotmy

phonethismorning.Ifyougetanymorecalls,justtellthemthatI’llcallthembacklater.”

“Mamawantsyoutocomeoverfordinnertonight.”
Isighandpushmyfingersthroughmyhair.That’sano-go.Ican’tlietomymama.
“DoyoumindtellingherthatIjustdon’tfeeluptoit?”
“IsthereanythingelseIcandoforyou?”heaskssarcastically,makingmesmile.“Changetheoilin

yourcar?Orderintakeout?Pickupyourdrycleaning?”

“Yestoallofthat,”Ireplywithasweetsmile.“Thanksforbeingawesome.”
“Nowyou’retryingtosoftenmeupforsomething,”hereplies.
“Youalwaysassumetheworst.”
“OfcourseIdo,”hesays.“Irunabusiness.”
“Werunabusiness.”
“Well,youhelpsometimes,butmostlywegaveyouthisbigofficetomakeyoufeelimportant.”
Ilaughnow,afulloutbellylaughanditfeelsfantastic.“Ohgood,Icanjuststopreadingallofthese

boringreportsandinsteadhavethemallsenttoyou.”

“Onsecondthought,”hesays,“maybeyoudoworkmorethanalittlebit.”
“MaybeIdo,”Iagree.“Ineededthatlaugh.”
“Iknow.”Hisfacesobersnow.“Ifyouthinkthatyou’refoolinganyone,you’rewrong.Weloveyou,

andwecanseethatsomethingisn’tright.”

“Beau—”
“Letmefinish.Whenyoudecidetoletusin,we’rehere.Allofus.”
“Iknow.Butreally,I’mfine.”
“You’rebetterthanfine,Savannah.You’rethemostamazingpersonI’veevermet.”

Isimplysitbackandstareatmybrotherinuttershock.“Iwon’ttellMallorythateither.”
“Sheknows,”hereplieswithasmile.“Andshegetsit.Youareprettygreat,andthat’swhyweall

starttoworrywhenitlookslikesomethingmightbewrong.Becauseofallthepeopleintheworld,you
deserveabreak.”

“Beau,Iloveyou.AndIhaveeverythingundercontrol.”
That,atleast,isn’talie.
“Okaythen,that’sallIneededtoknow.”
Hekissesthetopofmyheadandthenwalksoutofmyoffice,closingthedoorbehindhim.
Pleasecallme,LieutenantJacobs.Ineedthisshitshowtoend.

ChapterEighteen

~Savannah~

Daytwoofthehostagesituation,asI’vecometothinkofit,wasmoreexhaustingthandayone.I

shouldn’thavegoneintowork,andifitweren’tforthefactthatIhavetomakethingslookasnormalas
possible,Iwouldn’thave.It’snotlikeI’mgettingmuchdone.Istaredatthesamereportfortwodays
straightandneverturnedthepage.

Ifinallylefttheofficeanhourearlytodayandtookadrivearoundthecity.Drivingcalmsme.Iliketo

listentomusic,orturntheradiooffaltogetherandenjoythesilence.

Also,I’mninety-eightpercentsurethatmycarisn’tbugged,soIcanrelaxabit.
I’vejustturneddownmystreet,towardmyhouse,whenthethrow-awayphonerings.
“Yes,”Isay.
“It’sdone,”LieutenantJacobssaysontheotherline.He’stheonlyonewiththisnumber,sothere’sno

questionofwhoitis.“Larryisincustody,asarethetwomentheyhiredtosurveyyouandyourfamily.”

“We’resafe.”
“Youare.Ihavemoretotellyou,butIhaveatonofpaperworktogetthroughhere,threemento

interrogate,andIneedtogohaveameetingattheprison.”

“Thankyou.Thankyousomuch.”
“You’rewelcome.Goliveyourlife,Savannah.”
HeendsthecallasIpullintomydriveway,rightnexttoEli’scar.
Ifrownandthenshrug.It’snotunusualforElitodropin,althoughit’snotascommonnowthathehas

awifeandababy.

Iwalkintothehouseandfreezeatthescenebeforeme.
Eliissittingonthecouch,andeverysinglephotothatLancegavemeisspreadoutbeforehimonthe

coffeetable.Ilaidthemoutlastnight,asaremindertomyselfofwhyIhadtobestrongandtrustthat
LieutenantJacobswouldtakecareofthingsintherightway.

ButIcertainlydidn’tintendformybrothertoseethem.
“Hello,”hefinallysays.Iturntoclosethedoor,butinsteadfindDeclan,Beau,andBenwalkingup

mysteps.IwhirlaroundtolookatEliandhejustnods.“Yeah,Icalledthem.”

“Great,”Imutterandwalkintotheroom.Ihaven’tfiguredouthowtoexplainthisyet.Iwastakingit

oneminuteatatime.

AndnowIhavefourangrymeninmylivingroom.Benwon’tevenlookmeintheface,buthe’s

lookingatthephotos.Theyallare.

“Savannah,”Declansays,hisvoicefullofpainashelooksoveratme.
“Howlong?”EliasksbeforeIcansayaword.“Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?”
“First,Ineedtotellyouthatit’sover,”Ireplyandstandfirmly,myhandsonmyhips.“Asofabout

fiveminutesagowhenLieutenantJacobscalledme.”

“Soyoudoansweryourphone,”BeaumuttersandholdsthephotoofMalloryclosinghershopafter

dark.

“Itwasathrow-awayphone.Mycellwastapped.”
“Whatthefuckisgoingon,Savannah?”Elidemands,hisvoicedeceptivelyquiet.
“Don’tyoudareswearatme,”Ireply.“Putthephotosdown.Theydon’tmatteranymore.”
TheydoasIask,andthentheyalljuststareatme,exceptBen,whostillhasn’tsaidawordandwon’t

lookatme.

I’velosthim.

“ItseemsLancedidn’ttakekindlytomemovingonwithsomeoneelse,”Ibegin.Ittakesmeawhileto

tellthewholestoryagain,asIdon’twanttoleaveanythingout.WhenIfinishtellingthemaboutthecallI
receivedthisafternoon,theroomisquiet.

“Youdidn’thavetodothisalone,”Declansays.
“Youshouldn’thavedonethisalone,”Eliagrees.“Van,whydidyoukeepthisfromus?”
“Becauseyouwouldhavetriedtofixit.”
“Ofcoursewewouldhave,”Beausays.“That’swhatfamilydoes,Van.”
“No.”Ishakemyheadandsighinfrustration.“Ispentthemajorityofmyadultlifelivinginfear

becauseIthoughtIwasprotectingyou.Allofyou.Anddamnit,Iwasprotectingyounow,butnotoutof
fear.Notthistime.

“Ididn’tneedyoutofixthisforme.Ifixedit.Iknewwhattodo.Hescaredmeatfirst,I’mnotgoing

tolie.ButnothingIdidafterIlefttheprisonwasoutoffear.Itwasstrategic,anditkeptusallsafewhile
thepolicedidtheirjobs.”

“Jesus,”Beauwhispersandpinchesthebridgeofhisnose.“Iwanttothrottleyouandhugyou,allat

once.”

“Daddysaidthesamething,”Ireplyandsmilewhentheyalllookatmeinshock.“Idreamofhim

sometimes.Hesaidthattometheothernight.”

Iswallowhardandthenlookthemallintheeyes.EspeciallyBen.“I’msorryfortheworryandnow

thefearthatIcausedyou.Iloveyouallsomuch.Iknowthatyoufeellikeyouneedtoprotectme,andI
wouldn’thaveyouanyotherway.

“ButI’mastrongperson.StrongernowthanIeverwasbefore,andIneedyoutotrustinme.Ineed

youtoknowthatIwouldneverdoanythingtobetrayyou,orhurtyou.Anddamnit,ifthere’sathreat
againstmyfamily,I’lldowhateverittakestoprotectthem.

“Hethreatenedtohurtyou.Tohurtthebabies.”Iletatearfall.“Ican’thavethat,andI’llbefucking

damnedifthatevilpieceofshitisevergoingtothinkhecandothattomeagain.Heunderestimatedme,
andhelost.”

“You’reincredible,”Declansaysandtakesmyhandinhis,givingitasqueeze.“Ialsowanttothrottle

you,butIgetit.Weallgetit.”

EliandBeaunod,andBenhaswalkedtothewindow.Hishandsareinhispockets,andhe’sstaring

outside.Hehasn’tsaidaword.

“I’mgoingtohavetogothroughanothertrial,andit’sgoingtosuck,butthat’sokay.”
“Andforthat,we’llbewithyou,”Eliinsistsandpullsmeinforastronghug.“Nomorelies,Van.”
“Nomorelies,”Iagree.“I’mnotgoodatitanyway.”
Afterafewmorehugs,mybrothersleave.Ben’sstillatthewindowandsilencescreamsaroundus.
Isitinachairandwait,watchinghismusclestwitchunderhisblackT-shirt.Finally,heturnsaround

andlockshiseyesontomine.

“I’msofuckingpissedoff,”hesays.Hisvoiceissteel,matchingeverytightmuscleinhisbody.
“I’msorry.”
“No,”hesays,shakinghishead.“Imean,yes,I’mnothappywithyou,andwe’regoingtotalkabout

that,butthisrageisdirectedathim.Alloveragain.”

“Itookcareofit,”Iinsist.
“Hesatinaroomwithyouandshowedyouallofthewayshewantedtodestroyyouandyourfamily,”

hesays,makingmeswallowhard.Ihadn’tthoughtofitlikethat.“Hesentoutpeopletoterrorizeyou.”

“Andyou,”Ireply.IshufflethroughthephotosuntilIfindtheoneofthesniper.“Heboughtthehouse

acrossfromyoursandhadamantherewithariflereadytokillyou.Ben,he’sthereasonyougotsick,and
yourbrakeswerecut.HemadeitclearthatthelongerIstayedwithyou,themorehewouldmakesureyou
suffered.”

“Beingawayfromyouwasmoresufferingthanheevercouldhaveinflictedonme,”hesays,stunning

me.“Youlethimcomebetweenus.”

“Onlyuntiltheywerearrested,”Iinsist.“ButifI’vescrewedthisupsobadlythatyou’redone,I

understand.”

“Ifeel…betrayed,”hesaysandletshishandsfalltohissides.“Youdidthisonyourown,andI

thoughtwewerepartners.Youdidn’tletmesaveyou.”

“Ben.”Ifinallywalktohimandcuphisface.“Youalreadysavedme.ItwastimeIsavedmyself.”
Hecrushesmetohim,hisstrongarmslockedaroundme.Hisfaceisburiedinmyneck,anditfeels

likehe’llneverletmego.

“Don’teverletmego,”Iwhisper.
“God,Angel,youdestroyedme.”
“I’msosorry,”Ireplyandkisshischeek,hischin.“Ihadtoplayalong,orelsehewouldhavedone

somethinghorrible.Andifanythingweretohappentoyou,Ben,Idon’tthinkI’dsurviveit.”

“Baby.”Hekissesmenow,longandsweet,asifhe’srelearningeveryinchofmymouth.
IcatchawhiffoftheperfumethatLanceinsistedthatIwear,anditmakesmesicktomystomach.
“Ben?”
“Yes,baby.”
“Ihavetotakeashower.I’vebeenwearinghisperfume,andeverytimeIsmellit,itmakesmesick.I

needtopurgethishouse.”

“Let’sdoit.”Hetakesmyhandandleadsmetothekitchenandfetchesaplasticbag.“Leadtheway.”
Ipullhimbehindme,upthestairsandtothebedroom.ThefirstthingIdoisthrowtheChanelNo.5in

thebag,thenwalkintomyclosetandpurgethelastoftheclothingheboughtformeyearsago.It’s
expensive,anditseemedwastefultothrowitawaybefore,butIdon’tevenblinkaneyeasIshoveevery
blouseanddressintothebag.

ThelastthingIreachforismyweddingbandandengagementring.They’reintheirrespectiveboxes,

tuckedinthebackofadrawer.Idon’tevenopenthem,Ijusttosstheminthebag.

“You’rethrowingthoseout?”
“Tobehonest,Ithinkitshouldbedonatedtoawomen’sshelter.”
Hislipstwitch.“That’sagreatidea.I’llsellthejewelrytooanddonatethatmoneyaswell.”
“Ben,youdon’thavetodothat.”
“Yeah,Ido.Letmedothis.”Hetiesthebagclosed.“I’llberightback.”
IstaywhereIamandhearthefrontdooropenandthenseveralminuteslaterhe’sclimbingthestairs

again.

“It’salloutofhere.”
“Thatfeelsgood.”
Henodsandleadsmeintothebathroom.Ratherthanstarttheshower,herunsabath.“I’dliketosit

withyouinthebath.”

“Nocomplaintshere,”Ireply.
Hestripsusbothnaked,andwesinkintothehotwater,notwantingtoletgoofeachother.Hebegins

massagingmyfeetandIreachforthesoapandasponge,washingthelastoftheperfumeoffmyneckand
wrists.

WhenI’mdone,Isitbackandsigh.“IwassoafraidthatI’dlostyouforgood.”
“Samehere,”hesaysquietly.
“Isaidsomeprettyhorriblethings.”Myeyesfindhis.“I’msosorry.Ididn’tmeanthem,anditwas

killingme,butIhadtomakeitlookreal.”

“Itwasreal.”
Inodslowly.“Yeah.Anditwashell.”

“I’mnotacontrollingman,Savannah,butIamaman.Iloveyouwitheverythinginme,andIwill

alwayswanttoprotectyou.Idon’tknowanyotherwaytobe.”

“Idon’twantyoutobeanyotherway.Thiswillneverhappenagain.”
“No.Itwon’t.”Hepullsmetohim.Istraddlehimandlayagainsthischest.“You’reeverythinggood

inmylife,andyou’remine.Iprotectwhat’smine.”

“SodoI.”Iliftmyheadandsmileathim.“SodoI,Ben.Andthat’swhatIwasdoing.”
“Iknow.”Hekissesmesoftlyandthentakesthekissdeeper,stronger.Iriseuponmykneesandthen

sinkdownoverhisharderection,andwebothmoaninrelief.

“Missedthis,”Imutteragainsthislips.Hecan’trespond.Hegripsmyhipsandguidesmeupand

downinthemostdeliciouspace,untilwe’rebothapanting,orgasmicmess.

Icollapseontopofhimandkisshischest,impressedthatIcanmoveanypartofme.
“Angel?”
“Yes.”
“I’mgoingtowashyourhair.”
Hecanstillsmellit.
“Okay.DoIhavetomove?”
Hechuckles.“Yes.”Heguidesmebacktotheoppositesideofthetubandthenstepsoutofthewater.

Withoutdryingoff,heurgesmetoleanforwardandbeginstowashmyhair.Iclosemyeyesandsitstill,
lettinghimscrubthesoapintofoam,andthenrinsethesoapout.Hishandsarebigandstrong,anditfeels
goodtolethimtakecareofme.

Whenhe’sdone,heliftsmeoutofthewaterandwrapsmeinatowel,thenleadsmetothevanityin

mybedroom.

“Haveaseat,”hesays.
Theexcitementfromthelastfewdayshascaughtupwithme.I’mexhausted,bothphysicallyand

mentallyandheknows.

Hecombsmyhairout,thenblowsitdry.Isitandwatchhimthroughhalf-closedeyesandadmirethe

wayhismusclesflexwitheachmotion.

“You’rejustridiculouslyhandsome,”Imurmurwhenheflipsthedryeroff.
“Iwon’tbeleaving,”hesays.
“No,Idefinitelywantyoutostaywithmetonight.”
“Ever,”herepliesafterwebothgetintothebed.It’searly,butitfeelslikeIjustranamarathon.
“Ever?”
“Ever.”Hekissesmylipsandsnuggleshisnakedbodyagainstmine.
“Doesthismeanyouwanttoliveinmyhouse?”
“Doyoupreferithere?”heasks,andIcanseethatifIsayyes,hewon’thesitate.
“Homeiswhereyouare,”Ireplysleepily.“Hereorthere,itdoesn’treallymatter.”
“Iloveyou,Savannah,”hewhispersinmyearasIfeelsleeppullingmeunder.

***

“Areyousureaboutthis?”LieutenantJacobsasksmethreedayslater.I’veaskedhimtomeetme,

Ben,andtherestofmyfamilyattheprisontoday.It’sagloriouslybeautifuldayoutside,matchingmy
mood.

“Oh,I’msure.”
Henodsandleadsmetoaroom.Igoinalone,butthere’sanobservationroomconnectedtothisone

withabig,mirroredwindow.Theycanseein,butIcan’tseethem.

ButIknowthey’rethere.
AnotherdooropensandinwalksLance.He’sinhandcuffsandanklecuffs,andthistimetheydon’tlet

himloose.

I’mnotthatpompous.
I’msurprisedtofindthatlookingathimdoesn’tmakemystomachtighten,orbileriseinthebackof

mythroat.Myheartdoesn’trace.

Ifeeldisgust.
“Whatdoyouwant?”Lanceasks.
“Acoupleofthings,”Ireplyandlacemyfingersonthetabletop.Idon’tmovemyeyesfromhis

becauseIwanttoseehimasIspeak.“First,Iwantyoutotakeonelastlonglookatme,Lance,because
thisisthelasttimeyou’lleverseeme.”

“That’sawfullyoptimisticofyou,”hesayswithasmirk,butIcanseeinhiseyesthattheconfidence

fromafewweeksagoisgone.

“No,it’strue.”Isitforamomentandlethimlookatmyface,mybreasts,myhair.“Doyouseeme?”
“You’rerightinfrontofme.”
“Oh,thatdoesn’tmatter.Iwasrightinfrontofyouforyears,butyoudidn’tseeme.Doyouseeme

now?”

Hislipspuckerbuthedoesn’treply.
“Good.Becauseyou’relookingatthewomanwhobrokeyou,Lance.”Hesmirksagain,butIkeep

talking.“Youtriedtobreakme,butyoudidn’t.Itookyoudown,andIwantyoutositinyourtinycelland
thinkaboutthatfortherestofyourpatheticlife.”

“Fuckyou.”
“No.No,youwon’teverdothatagaineither.”Hemovestostand,butIcockaneyebrow.“Sitthefuck

down.”

Hetiltshisheadtothesideanddropsbackinhisseat.
“Ididn’tsayyoucouldleave.”
“Whatisthis,Van?Youshowuphereandactalltough?You’renottough.You’renothing.You’rea

patheticpieceofshit,andyoumayhavegotmybrotherarrested,buthe’snottheonlycontactIstillhave
ontheoutside.Icanhaveyourfamilykilledanytime.”

Idon’tturnaroundtosee,butLance’seyesriseabovemyheadandIknowtheobservationwindow

hasbeenturnedoffandthathecanseeallofmyfamilysittingthere,listening.

“Oh,Ibroughtthemalong.”
Heglaresatme,butitdoesn’tmatter.
Hedoesn’tmatter.
“Youcan’thurtme,orthem,everagain.It’soverrightnow.I’mendingit.”
Hesnarls.“Youdon’tsaywhenit’sover.”He’syellingnow,andIstand,turnmyback,andwalk

away.“Doyouhearme?Youdon’tsay!Isay!”

Thedoorshutsbehindme,finallyclosingthatchapterofmylifeforgood.
Benmeetsmeinthehallandpullsmeinforahug.“Soproudofyou,Angel.”
“Metoo,”Ireplyandsmileupathim,andtherestofmyfamilystandingbehindhim.“Let’sgohome

now.”

ChapterNineteen

Threemonthslater.

~Ben~

“It’ssuchaprettyday,”Vansaysasshetiltsherheadbackandsoaksinthesunshine.Ihavethetop

downonmynewcaraswedrivetotheInn,thewindandsunshineonourfaces.

EverytimeIlookatherit’slikeapunchinthegut.Isitpossiblethatsheismorebeautifuleveryday?
“Whyarewegoingtotheinn?”sheasks.
“Ithoughtwemighthaveanotherpicnic,”Ireply,onlylyingbyomission.Ithinkthisisoneliethat

she’lleasilyforgive.

“Fun,”shesayshappily.Thepastfewmonthshavebeenthebestofmylife.Mymotherhasfully

recoveredfromthemedicationfiasco,andisdoingwellwithSally’scompany.Mybusinessishealthy
again.

AndVanisbymyside.
Lifedoesn’tgetmuchbetterthanthat.
IpulluptotheinnandtakeVan’shandinmine.RatherthangouptothedoortotalktoGabby,I

immediatelyleadheraroundthehousetowardhertree.

“You’reinahurry,”shesayswithalaugh.“Areyouhungry?”
“Somethinglikethat.”
“You’vebeenactingweirdallday.Areyoufeelingokay?”
Asidefromtheballofnervesinmystomach,I’mpeachy.
“I’mjusthungry,”Ireplyandkissherhand.Thesunhasbeguntoset,settingtheskyintoariotof

color.WewalkaroundabendinthetrailandVanstopsinhertracks.

“Ohmy,”shebreathes.“Notjustapicnicafterall.”
“Maybeafancypicnic,”Ireply.GabbyandCharlydidanamazingjobofsettingupatableandchairs

withaprettyclothoverit.There’sabouquetofflowers,andtwinklelightshangingfromthebranchesof
thetreeoverhead.

“It’ssomethingoutofafairytale,”shesaysandbeginstowalkslowlytowardit.“Didyoucomeup

withthis?”

“Imighthavehadsomehelp,”Iadmit.“Buttheplacewasmyidea.Ijustthoughtyou’denjoyapretty

picnicinyourfavoriteplace.”

“Youthoughtright,”sherepliesandsitswhenIholdherchairoutforher.“Thisisreallylovely.”
Ipouruseachaglassofwineandtakealongsiptobolstermyconfidence.NotthatI’mhavingany

secondthoughts.

Ijustwantittobeperfect.Shedeservesnothingless.
She’sstaringupintothetree,atthelightsandthelightningbugsfloatingoverhead.I’doriginally

plannedtowaituntilafterwe’deatenforthebigmoment,butIdon’tthinkIcan.

Ineedthis.
So,ItakeSavannah’shand,kissherknuckles,andcompletelytossthespeechI’dpreparedoutthe

window.

Ineedtojustspeakfromtheheart.
“You’reaspecialwoman,SavannahBoudreaux.I’veknownthatsincewewereyoung.Idon’tfeel

likethetimewedidn’thavetogetherwaswastedbecauseitmadeusbothintowhowearetoday,and
withoutthat,wemightnotbetogethernow.”

Iswallowandkeepgoing.

“Thatbeingsaid,thethoughtofspendingevenonedaywithoutyoufromnowuntilmydyingdayisa

tortureIwouldn’twishonmyworstenemy.Idon’twanttoknowadaythatdoesn’thaveyouinit.You’re
thebestpartofeveryday.”

Imoveoutofmyseatandkneelnexttoherandwatchashereyesfillwithtears.
Please,God,letthembehappytears.
“So,I’mgoingtoaskyou,inthisspecialplace,tobeminealways.Marryme,Savannah.Spendyour

lifewithme.”

“Oh,Ben,”shesaysandwatchesasIslidetheringonherfinger.Thenshe’sinmyarms,huggingme

tightly.“OfcourseI’llmarryyou.”

“Rightnow.”
“What?”Shepullsbackandstaresatmeinsurprise,thenglancesaboutandherjawdrops.Ourfamily

andfriendshavegatheredaroundus,smiling.

“Whyisshejustsittingthere?”Samaskshismom,makingmelaugh.
“Yeah,areyoujustgoingtosithere?”Iaskher.
“Youwanttogetmarriedrightnow?”
“Yes,ma’am.”
“Wedon’thaveamarriagelicense.”
“Atechnicality.”Ilaughwhenshescowlsatme.“Iwanttohavethismomentwithyou,withthe

peopleclosesttous,tomakethispromisetoeachother.”

“Let’sdoit,”shesaysandjumpsup.“You’veallbeenkeepingthisasecret?”
“Hemighthavethreateneduswithviolenceifwetold,”Calliesayswithagrin.“Plus,thiswasafun

secret.”

Charly,Gabby,andtherestofthegirlscometostandatVan’sside,whileallofthemenstandbymine.

Ourmothersareholdingbabiesandgrinningfromeartoearastheylookon.

“I’llstart,”Isayandclearmythroat.“SavannahBoudreaux,I’mheretomakeyouapromise.A

solemnvowthatIwillbetruetoyou,loveyou,protectandencourageyoueverydayofmylife.Iwill
forsakeallothers—”

“Yeah,youwill,”shesays.
“andneverbetrayyou.Youwillhavemyrespect,andmyheart,forever.”
Shetakesadeepbreathandsmilesasshebeginstospeak.
“BenjaminPreston,Ineverthoughtthisdaywouldarrive.Idreamtofit,often,asayoungwomanand

thenasagrownwoman.YouareeverythingI’veeverneeded.Ipromiseyou,hereinthisspecialplace,
thatIwillloveyou,betruetoyou,protectandrespectyouallofthedaysofmylife.Iwillprobablynot
obey,butIwillkeepyouonyourtoes.”

Ourfamilylaughs,andshesmilesupatmebeforeshecontinues.
“Iwillforsakeallothers,andliftyouupinloveandencouragement.Youwillhavemyheart,forever.”
Ileaninandkissher,softlyatfirst,andthendipherback,earningapplause.
Itipmyforeheadagainsthers.“Thankyou,”shesays.
“Thisisentirelymypleasure,Angel.”

Epilogue

OneYearLater.

~BeauregardBoudreax~

Mylovelybrideissittingintheswingonthebackporchofourhome,rockingababyslowly,

watchingourfamilyinthebackyard.

Childrenareplaying.Couplesarekissingandlaughing.
Myfamilyiswholeandhappy.Healthy.
“Lookatthem,”shewhispers.“Ifeelyouhere.”
I’msittingnexttoher.Icanfeeltheheatcomingoffofherandshelaysherhandinherlap,herpalm

up.

SoItakeitinmineandwishwithallmymightthatshecouldfeelme.
“You’rehere,”shesaysagain.Hervoiceissoft,andsoundsthewayitdidwhenshewaseighteen

yearsold,andImetheronagroupdatewithabunchofourfriends.Seeingherwasapunchinthegut,
andIneverlefthersideafterthatday.

Well,untiltheday.
“I’mhere,”Ireply,eventhoughshecan’thearme.
“Lookatourbabies,”shesayswithasmile.“Allmarried,mostofthemhavingbabiesoftheirown.”
Sheglancesdownattheinfantsleepinginherarms.“Thisisournewest.LittlePenelope.Goodness,I

hopetheydon’tcallherPenny.”Shechuckles.“Although,IguessPennyisn’tsobad.Iamsohappyfor
BenandSavannah.”

Ibrushmyfingertipsoverthebaby’shead,andsmilewhenherbrowfurrows.It’samazinghowthe

littleonescansometimesseeme.

“Thatmanhurtourgirl,”shecontinues.“Butsometimesfamilyismorethanblood.They’vegiventhis

littleoneawonderfulhome,andVansaystheyaren’tdone.Shewantsawholehousefullofbabies.”

“I’msoproudofyou,”Itellher,thewayIalwaysdo.“Iknowit’snoteasywithoutme.Lordknows,I

wouldn’thaveheldittogetherifyou’dleftaheadofme,darlin’.”

“Imissyou,”shesays,andthensmilessoftly.“Icanfeelyouholdingmyhand.”
Igiveitasqueeze.“I’malwayshere.”
“You’rewithme,andIknowthat,”shereplies,makingmesmile.“You’rewatchingoverourbabies.”
“Andyou.”
“Andme.”
Oh,howIloveher.Allofthem.AndI’llbehereuntilshe’sreadytojoinme.
Butthere’splentyoftimeforthat.
“Look!”Samyells,catchingherattention.“AilishjustthrewtheballtoDad!”
Shenodsandsmiles,carefulnottowakethebaby.
“They’resuchgoodpeople.Goodworkethic,kind,happy.They’reeverythingweeverwantedthem

tobe,andmorethatIneverdreamedof.You’dbesoproudofthem.”

Shepausestowatchandrock,holdingmyhand.
“You’rehere,”shesaysagain.It’sacomforttoher,andImakesuretoletherknowI’mhereasmuch

asIcan.

“I’mhere.”Ismileandsitwiththeloveofmylife,watchingoverourhome.Ourchildren,andour

children’schildren.“AndI’mapatientman,mylove.Youtakeyourtime.”

TheEnd

AboutKristenProby

NewYorkTimesandUSATodayBestsellingAuthorKristenProbyistheauthorofthepopularWith

MeinSeattleseries.Shehasapassionforagoodlovestoryandstrongcharacterswholovehumorand
haveastrongsenseofloyaltyandfamily.Hermenarethealphatype—fiercelyprotectiveandabitbossy
—andherladiesarefun,strong,andnotafraidtostandupforthemselves.Kristenspendsherdayswith
hermuseinthePacificNorthwest.Sheenjoyscoffee,chocolate,andsunshine.Andnaps.Visitherat
KristenProby.com.

Hereisasneakpeekat

TheBeautyofUs

AFusionNovel

ReleasingAugust22,2017

ChapterOne

~Riley~

“I’mdone,”IannounceasIstompintothebarandseetwoofmyfourbusinesspartnersbehindit.Kat,

thebarmanagerandmaybethecoolestwomanIknow,hasherflamingredhairupinringlets,andMia,
themasterchef,haspulledoffherchefhatandletherlongblackhairdownaroundhershoulders.

TheybothlookasexhaustedasIfeel.
“What,exactly,areyoudonewith?”Miaasksasshepoursherselfaglassofredwine,battingKat’s

handsoutoftheway.“Icandothismyself.”

“Ihaveasystem,”Katsays,earninganeyerollfromMia,whopassesthebottletoher,takesasip

fromherglass,andwalksaroundthebartositonastool.

“Men,”IsayasItakethestoolnexttohers.Thebarisprettyempty,asit’snearingclosingtimeinthe

middleoftheweek.There’sjustthethreeofusandamansittingatthefarendofthebar,nursingwhat
lookstobeaJackandCoke.

AndI’mnotevengoingtothinkaboutthefactthathisprofileishot.
“Yousaythatatleastonceamonth,”Miasays.
“Imeanit,”Ireply,andnodwhenKatoffersmeaglassofMia’swine.“Filltheglasstothetop.”
“You’rebothkillingmewithyourwinehabits,”Katgrumbles.“There’sacorrectwaytopouraglass

ofwine.”

“We’renotfancylikeyou,”Ireply,andofferherasmilewhenshepassesmemyglass.
Katsimplyshrugsandgoestoworkwashingthefewglassesinhersink.“Sowhyhasthemalespecies

pissedyouoffthistime?”

“So,Iwentoutlastnightwiththisguy,”Ibegin,andtakeasipofmywine,gatheringmythoughts.

“Let’ssayhewas...notmytype.”

“Inwhatways?”Miaasks.“Imean,didhehaveblondhairinsteadofdark?Ordidn’tdrivetheright

car?”

“Youmakemesoundshallow,”Isaywithafrown.“Thosethingsaren’tthedealbreakers.”
“Wedon’tthinkyou’reshallow,”Katsays.“Whatarethedealbreakerswiththisone?”
“Well,hewassupersweaty.Like,just-walked-out-of-the-gymsweaty.AndatfirstIthought,well,

maybehe’sjustnervous.Imean,wehaven’tgoneoutbefore,sothat’sprettynormal.”

“Sure,”Miasayswithanod.
“But,thelongerwesitthere,themorehesweats.AndI’mtalking,hehastousehisdinnernapkinto

keepwipingthesweatawaythewayWhitneyHoustondidwhenshewasinconcert.”

“So,he’sasweater,”Katsays,thengrimaces.“Canyouimaginehowmuchheprobablysweatsduring

sex?”

“Ew.”Iwrinklemynose,almostgaggingatthethought.“No.No,Idon’twanttothinkaboutthat.So,

he’ssupersweatyandsmelly.Andit’sreallythesmellthatdidusin.”

Thedudeattheendofthebarchucklesandtakesasipofhisdrink.Iignorehimandkeeptalking.
“So,asidefromthesweatingandthestench,washenice?”Miaasks.
“Ithinkso,”Ireply.“Ifeellikeahorribleperson,butIdidn’thearmuchofwhathesaidbecauseI

wastoodistractedbytheriversofsweatonhisface,andthesmell.”

“Okay,that’sprettygross,”Katsayswithanod.“Imean,inhisdefense,maybeit’saglandularthing,

oranxiety,orhehaslargeporesorsomething,butIdon’tthinkIcouldgetpastthesmelleither.”

“Exactly,”Ireply,holdingmyglassupinsalute.“Andtheguylastweekdidn’tsmellorsweat,butI

guessheassumedthatifheboughtmedinnerhecouldgetinmypants.Whichhecan’t.”

Theguydownthebarfromuslaughsagain,andnowIcan’tignorehimanymore.Iturntofacehim,

andhavetotakeabreathwhenIreallygetagoodeyefulofhim.He’stall,lean,andhisforearmslook
fantasticintherolledsleevesofhisbutton-downshirt.Hisbrownhairisabitmessy,probablyfrom
shovinghisfingersthroughit.

Andhe’swearingblack-rimmedglasses.
“Hithere,”Isay,gettinghisattention.HeglancesmywaywithseriouslysexygreeneyesandIhaveto

remindmyselfthatIamdonewithmen.Becauseotherwise,I’dbetemptedtoaskhimout.

“Hello,”hesays.
“Didyouwantinonthisconversation?”Iask,swirlingmywine.
“Idon’tthinkIhaveanythingtoadd,”hesayswithashrug.“I’mjustaguy.”
“Maybeyoucangivemesomeinsightintothebrainofaman,”Ireplythoughtfully.“BecauseI’m

stumped.Completelystumped.”

“Well,Idon’tsweatlikeyourlastloveinterest,”hesayswithacockygrin,makingmelaugh.
“Hewasdefinitelynotmyloveinterest,”Ireply.
“AndI’mnodoctor,soIcan’tassumethathehasaglandularissuelikeyousuggest.Couldhavebeen

nerves.Imean,you’reabeautifulwoman.Itmakessensethathemightbeabitnervous.Doesn’tmeana
mancan’tusesomedeodorant,though.”

“Yes.Exactly.Butwhatisitwithguysthinkingtheycanjustjumprightintosex?Imean,I’mnota

hooker.”

“Whoa,”hesays,holdinghishandsupandgrinning.Damnhimforhavingakillersmile.“Noone

calledyouahooker.”

“Well,Ithinkit’ssortofimpliedthattheythinkofmethatwaywhentheytakemeout,buydinner,and

thengetpissedwhenIdon’tputout.I’mwaytoopickyforthat.Ihavestandards.”

“Asyoushould,”hesaysinallseriousness.“Maybeyou’rejustmeetingassholes.”
“Well,thatseemstobeallImeet,”Ireply,andsipmywine.“Imean,whatdoyouhavetosayforthe

restofyourspecies?Becauselesbihonest,thisisn’tworthapenis.Noneofthisis.”

Hejusttipshisheadbackandlaughs,longandloud,anditcharmsme.Hethrowsbackthelastofhis

drinkandturnsinthestooltofacemehead-on.Andthenthoseincrediblegreeneyesofhistakemein
fromthetipofmyJimmyChoostothetopofmyblondhead.

“Maybethey’resimplyattractedtoyou.”
“Youdon’tgetit,”Ireplywithasigh.“Attractionisfine.Flirtingisfine.Butsincewhenhasitbeen

okaytonotshowanyrespectforthepersonyou’rewith?Ihavesomanydoubtsaboutthehumanraceasa
wholeatthispoint.SometimesIwishtheEnterprisewasreal,andChrisPinecouldsweepmeawayto
theDeathStar,andwecouldhaveabunchofJedibabiesandstuff.”

Mr.Manjuststaresatmeforamoment,thenscowls.“You’vejustcombinedStarWarsandStar

Trek.”

“Whatever,”Isaywithashrug.“It’sallthesamething.”
“No,”hesays,andclearshisthroat.“No,it’snotthesamethingatall.”
“ButyouunderstandwhatI’msaying.”
“No,Idon’tunderstandbecauseyoujustcombinedStarTrekandStarWars.They’renotthesame

thing,soeverythingyoujustsaidis...incomprehensible.”

IrollmyeyesandlooktoKatandMiaforhelp,butthey’rejustsmilingandwatchingmebanterwith

thestranger.

“Youguysarenohelp.”
“He’sright,”Katsayswithashrug.“Andthisisallfascinating.”
“Notallmenexpecttohavesexonafirstdate,”hecontinues.“Infact,Iwouldhavetosaythatmost

mendon’t,unlesstheypickedyouupatabar,andyouweregrindingonthemonthedancefloorallnight,

andyou’retwenty-two.”

“Noneofthosethingshappened,”Ireply.
“Well,then,I’dsayhe’sjustajackass.”
“Thereseemstobeanexplosioninthejackasspopulation,”Ireply,andsigh,passingmyglasstoKat

forarefill.

“Whereareyoumeetingthem?”heasks,andIbitemylip.
“Idon’twanttotellyou.”
“Online,”hesayswithanod.
“Ididn’tsaythat!”
“Didn’thaveto.Ifyoumethimatthegymorthegrocerystore,orsomewhereelseinperson,you

wouldn’tbeembarrassed.”

“I’mnotembarrassed.”
“Yes,youare.Otherwise,youwouldn’tmindtellingme.”
“Fine.”Isighandrubmyforeheadwithmyfingertips.“Imetthemonline.”
“Stopthat,”hesays.
“Idon’tknowwhereelseI’dmeetpeople,”Ireply.“I’matworkatleastfiftyhoursaweek.Idon’tdo

schoolorclubsorchurch,andIrarelygotothegrocerystorebecauseIalwayseathere.”

“Icouldstopfeedingyou,”MiainterjectsandItossheraglare.
“I’mjustsaying,ifyoualwaysdowhatyou’vealwaysdone,you’llalwaysgetwhatyou’vealways

gotten.”

“Idon’tunderstandanyofthewordsyoujustsaid.”Isquintathim,tryingtoprocess.
“Switchitup,”hesayswithagrin.“Trytomeetpeoplesomewhereelse.Imean,youdidn’tmeetme

online,andI’mnotanasshole.”

“Sure,you’recute,andyoulooklikeyouhaveyourshittogether,butIsuspectthatonceIgottoknow

youI’dlearnthatyouhavemommyissuesandfourteendogs.”

“Youmight,”hesayswithathoughtfulnod.“Idohidethosethingswell.AllI’msayingis,stopusing

thedatingsitesandtrymeetingpeopleinreallife.”

“Yeah.Easyforyoutosay.”Ipoutintomywineglass.“DoIneedtosendyousomemoneyforthis

counselingsession?”

“Nah,thefirstone’sonme,”hesays,tossingthatcrazy-hotsmileatmeagain.“Justdon’tcombine

StarWarsandStarTrekanymoreandthat’spaymentenoughforme.”

Hepullsafewbillsoutofhiswalletandtossesthemonthebar,thenstandstoleave.
“Haveagoodnight,andgoodluck,”hesays.
“Thanks.”Justashe’salmostoutofview,Icallout,“Wait!Ididn’taskyourname.”
“Trevor,”hesays,andmystomachimmediatelydoesatleastfourcartwheels.“TrevorCooper.”
“You’reearly,”isallIcanthinktosay.Mycheeksareburning,myfingersimmediatelytremble.

“You’renotsupposedtobeherefortwomoredays.”

“Iliketocomeearly.Getthelayoftheland,thatsortofthing.”Hesmilesandwaves.“Seeyouina

coupleofdays.”

Hewalksaway,andassoonasIhearthefrontdoorclose,Iturntomyfriendsandjuststareatthemin

utterhorror.

“Tellmethatdidn’tjusthappen.”
KatsnickersandMiajustflat-outlaughs,slappingthebar.
“Thisishilarious,”Miasayswithglee.
“No,it’snot,”Ireply.“Ilookhorrible,Isoundlikeafuckingteenagerwhocan’tgetaboyfriend.He’s

hereonbusiness.”

Idragmyfingersthroughmyhair,thenleanonthebarindespair.

“Hewasn’thereonbusinesstonight,”Miasays,andpatsmyback.“Besides,it’sokaywithmeifhe

doesn’tstay.Ididn’twanthimhereinthefirstplace.”

“No,it’snotokayifhedoesn’tstay,”Ireply,andcomeupforair.“ThefactthatBestBitesTVwants

tocomeheretofilmSeductionisabigdeal,Mia.”

“Iknow,you’vetoldme.”
“Imean,thiswillputusonthemapglobally.AndIknowyoudon’tlovetheideaofacameracrew

beinginthekitchen,butitwon’tbeforever.”

“We’vealreadyhadthisconversation,”shesayswithafrown.
“NotthatitmattersbecauseIwasjustacompleteninnywiththeproduceroftheshowrightherein

thebar.”

“Aninny?”Kataskswithagrin.“Ilikethatword.”
“Yeah,well,it’snotdescribingyourightnow,”Ireplywithasigh.“HemustthinkI’mcompletely

ridiculous.”

“Idon’tthinkso,”Miareplies.“Hesmiledatyou,andlookedyouupanddownlikeyou’reaheaping

scoopoficecreamandhecouldn’twaittoeatyouup.”

“Whatever,”Ireply,androllmyeyes.“NowIhavetopullittogetherandhaveaprofessional

relationshipwithhim.I’mtheonethathastoworkwithhim,notyouguys.”

SinceI’mthemarketingandpublicityexpertinourfivesome,workingwithBestBitesTVisallonmy

shoulders.Whichisfine,andwhatIenjoy,butI’veneverfailedsobadlyduringthefirstmeetingwitha
professional.

“I’mmortified.IhavetoquitandmovetoMexico.”
“Sunanddrinksallday,Enriqueonhandtoserviceyoureverywhim?”Katnodsthoughtfully.

“Doesn’tsoundtoobad,really.”

“Maybeweshouldallgo,”Miasayswithanod.
“You’dhateit,”Ireply,andnudgeherwithmyshoulder.“You’dwormyourwaybackintothekitchen

totakeovertheplace.”

“True.I’dbetterstayhere.”
“Idon’tthinkanyofusneedstomoveaway,”Katsaysasshestowsawaythelastcleanglass.“He

didn’tseematallputoffbyyourmancrisis,Ri.”

“DearsweetbabyJesus,”Imutter,andshakemyhead.“Whatiswrongwithme?”
“You’relettingthesemengetinyourhead,”Miasays.“Seriously,stoptryingsohard.Mymom

alwayssaysthatlovewillhappenwhenyou’renotlookingforit.”

“Thatdidn’tworkeither.”Idigmyfingertipsintothemusclesofmyneck,makingamentalnotetocall

foranappointmentforamassage.“I’mreallynotadesperatewoman,youknow.Idon’tneedamanto
completeme.”

“You’veneverbeendesperate,”Miasays.“It’snotabadthingtowantsomeonespecialinyourlife.”
“Exactly.That’saperfectwaytophraseit.”Igrabmyhandbagandleanintokisseachofthemonthe

cheekbeforeIwalkaway.“I’llseeyouguystomorrowifIdon’tdieofembarrassmenttonight.”

“Sleepwell!”Katcallsout.
It’sbeenalongday.Hell,it’sbeenalongyear.Ican’tcomplain,though,becausetherestaurantisn’t

justthriving,it’sburstingattheseams.Attheratewe’regoing,IcanseeusexpandingtootherPacific
Northwestcitiesinthenextthreeyears.We’realwayspacked,andnowthatthetelevisionshowisgoing
tohappen,we’llbeturningpeopleaway.

It’ssomethingtobeproudof,andmaybealittlescaredoftoo.WhenAddie,Cami,Mia,Kat,andI

openedlessthantwoyearsago,wedidn’tanticipatethisatall.

Wejustwantedtherestauranttobesuccessful,tosupportourselves,andwedidthatandmoreinthe

firstsixmonths.

Butsuccessisalsoexhausting,andthat’sexactlywhereIamtonight.Exhausted.WhyamIusingso

muchenergyonmeetingmenonlinewhenIshouldbefocusedonwork?

I’mhappyandindependent.Butdamnit,IseeAddie,Cami,andKatwiththeirmenandIcan’thelp

butbeatinybitenviousattheblissthey’vefound.Theguysdon’tpullthemawayfromthebusiness;they
supportittoo,andhelpinanywaytheycan.

It’sateameffort.
Iwanttobeapartofateam.
And,Ireallydowanttogetlaidonaregularbasis.Imean,I’mared-bloodedwoman,andIhave

needs.

Andstandards.
ThedrivetomyhouseinHillsborodoesn’ttakelong,andsoonI’vechangedintoblueyogapantsand

acoraltanktop,sittinginmyfavoritechairinthecornerofmybedroom,mylaptopinmylap.

IfeellikeIshouldsendTrevorane-mailandapologizefortonight.Whatheheardistheepitomeof

unprofessional,andthat’snotthewayIwantourprofessionalrelationshiptobegin.

ButIdon’tneedtodigtheholeanydeeper.Sometimesit’sbesttojustkeepyourbigmouthshut.Ihave

amaster’sdegreeinmarketingandpublicity,andthatwouldbemyfirstpieceofadvicetoanyclientin
thissituation.

Lessismore.Stoptalking.
Inod,decidingtotakemyownadvice,andopenthelaptop.Iworkmywaythroughfouroftheonline

datingsitesthatI’vesubscribedto.Ihavemessageswaitingineachofthem,frommenI’veneverseen
before,andafewthatIdidgoonadatewith,anditwasdefinitelynotamatch.

IncludingSweatyMan.

HiRiley,

Ihadagreattimelastnight.Let’sdoitagainsoon!

Greg

Nothanks.Itypeoutmytypical“it’snotyou,it’sme”responseandhitsend,andthenIshocktheshit

outofmyselfasImethodicallyunsubscribefromeachsite,erasingmyprofiles.

Thisisn’tworking.
MaybeTrevorwasright.Juststopit.Meetsomeoneorganically.
Orjustdieanoldmaid.I’msurethereareworsewaystogo.Like,Icouldhaveafatalskindiseaseor

something.

Dyingalonedoesn’tseemquiteasbadincomparison.
I’mjustabouttoclosethecomputerandheadtobedwhenthere’sanotificationthatIhavenewe-

mail.

I’mabouttoignoreitfortonight,butthename“TrevorCooper”showsupinthesender’sname,andI

can’topenitfastenough.

Riley,

I’mwritingviamypersonalemail,asthisdoesn’tpertaintoourprofessionalrelationship.Iwantedto

apologizeforthisevening.Ishouldhaveintroducedmyselfwhenyoufirstcameintothebar.Iwasn’t

expectingtheconversationthatbeganuponyourarrival.Pleaseacceptmyapology.Ilookforwardto

seeingyouinafewdays.

Warmly,

Trevor

P.S.TheDeathStarisinStarWars.It’salsobeendestroyed,soyoucan’tgothere.Sorry.

Igrinandreadthroughthenotetwicemore.Okay,thiswasaniceguymove.Trevorisobviouslykind,

andmaybeabitofaStarWarsgeek.

Buthe’stemporary,andacolleague.SotheattractionIfeelforhimdoesn’tcount.
Atall.
Itdoesn’tmatterthathe’scuteandsmartandhasagreatjob.
Doesn’tmatteratall.
AndIjustgaveupondatingasawhole,sothere’sthat.

ChapterTwo

~Trevor~

Ididn’tsleepworthshitlastnight.Iwaitedforaresponsetomye-mailfromRileyforawhile;I’m

notexactlysurewhy.Ijustdon’tlikethethoughtofherbeingembarrassed.

Becauseshehasnoreasontobe.Shedidn’tknowwhoIwas,anditwasclosingtime.Shewas

ventingtoherfriends.

It’sreallynobigdeal.
ButIcouldseethemortificationinherbigblueeyeswhensherealizedwhoIwas,andthatdoesn’tsit

wellwithme.

Whennoresponsecame,andforallIknowshehasn’tevenreadthee-mailyet,Isatdownforagame

onthePS4.Idon’ttravelanywherewithoutit.Somepeoplereadtounwind.Somegotothegym,and
therearetimesIdothesame.Buttotrulyrelax,Ienjoygaming.IhavesinceIwasakid.

SoIsettledintheapartmentthenetworkhasrentedformethismonthandplayedonlinewithmy

friends,talkingaboutourdaysandshootingtheenemy.

Weplayedwellpastmidnight,andIusuallywouldhavegonerighttobedafterward,butmymindwas

stillturning,makingfallingasleepimpossible.TherestaurantisbetterthanIimaginedthroughmy
researchontheirwebsiteandcustomerreviews.It’svisuallystunning,thefoodisfantastic,andthey’ve
hitthemarkonthesexyfactor.

Butaddedtothat,thefivewomenwhoowntheplaceareallbeautiful,smart,andwillmakeforgreat

TV.Viewerswilleatthisshowup,punintended.

Ileanoverthesinkandwashmyface,notbotheringtoshavetoday,andasIdryoff,Ireachformy

phone.

Ihaveseveralnewe-mails.
ThemostrecentisfromRileyGibson.

Trevor,

Thankyouforyourkindemail.Iapologizeagainfortheconversationlastnight.Iwouldliketopromise

thatwedon’talwaystalklikethatatwork,butthatwouldbealie.Atleastwekeepittoclosingtime

overaglassofwine.

EnjoyPortland,

Riley

Igrinandslingthetowelovermybareshoulders.Rileyisn’twhatIhadpicturedinmyheadbeforeI

gothere.Iknewthatshewasprettybecausetheirphotosareontheirwebsite,butshe’smuchprettierin
person.

Andanimated.
Workingwithherwillbefun.
Andatesttomylibido.BecauseRileyisfuckingsexy.I’venevermixedbusinessandsexbefore,and

Idon’tplantostartnow,butkeepingmyhandsoffherwillbeatestofwills.

Andthattooshouldbefun.
Aftermyrunthismorning,Istoppedbyabagelplacetoeatandreadanewspaper,camebacktothe

apartmentforashower,andIthinkI’llgotoSeductionforlunch.Ihadn’tplannedtogobackthereuntil
mymeetingwithRileytomorrow,butIalsohaven’thadlunchthereyet.

IdressquicklyinjeansandaredT-shirtandwalkthesixorsoblockstotherestaurant.
They’vejustopened,sothey’renotbusyyet.Theatmosphereiscalm,thelightingabitbrighterthan

lastnight,makingitafunspottomeetwithcolleaguesorfriendsforlunch.

I’mseatedonthefarsideoftherestaurant,whereitmeetsthebar,andIcanseeRileyandtheother

womensittingaroundahightable,talking.

Loudenoughformetohear.
“So,he’llbeheretomorrow.Filmingdoesn’tstartforanotherweek,unlessthetimetablehasbeen

movedup,”Rileysays,studyingheriPadandcheckingthingsoffalist.“Itwouldbegreatifwecould
watchourlanguage.”

“Right,”Miasays,rollinghereyes.“Becausethat’sgonnahappen.”
“JustwatchtheF-bombsthen,”Rileysayswithagrin.“AndI’lldomybestnottoventtohimabout

myhorribledatingexperiences.NotthatI’llbehavinganymoreofthose.”

“IwishI’dbeenhereforthat,”Addiesayswithasmile.“It’shilarious.”
“No,it’snot,”Rileysays,butsmilesandcoversherlipswithherfingers.“Okay,it’salittlefunny.I’ll

beworkingfromhometoday.”

“Why?”Theblondespeaking,IpresumeCami,asks.
“BecauseIhavearoofercomingtoday,”Rileysays.“Butifyouneedme,justcall.Icancomeback

afterheleaves.”

“Go.”Miawavesheroff.“We’vegotthis.”
Thegirlsallstand,abouttogotheirownwaystogettheirdaystarted.They’reclearlygoodfriends,

whichwillcomeacrosswellonfilm.

Rileywalksoutofthebarandglancesup,spottingme.
“Hi.”Iofferherasmileandmotionforhertojoinme.Shesits,setsheriPadaside,andsquaresher

shoulders.

Iloveawomanwithgrit.
“Whyareyouhere?”sheasks.
“I’mhavinglunch,”Ireply,andgesturetothesaladsittinginfrontofme.“It’sdelicious.Addingthe

brusselssproutsissmart.”

“I’llpassthatalongtoMia,”shesays,andthenlaughs.“IguessyouheardthepartwhereIaskedthe

girlstonotswear.”

“Idid,”Ireply,andpatientlybutterapieceofwarmbread.“Don’tworryaboutthatstuff.They’re

adults.”

“Withpottymouths,”shesays.
“Andwecanbleepstuffout,oraskthemtorephrase.You’vealreadygotthegig,Riley.Iwouldn’tbe

hereotherwise.Thisisn’tanaudition.”

“Iknow.”Shesighsandreachesovertotakeapieceofmybread,surprisinganddelightingme.“Ijust

wantthingstogosmoothly.”

“Perhapsyoushouldorderlunchtoo.”
“Idon’thavetime,”shesays,andthenherblueeyeswidenassherealizeswhatshejustdid.“I’mso

sorry.IeatwhenI’mstressedout,andIdidn’t—”

“No.”Iholdmyhanduptostopher.“It’sfine.Ilikethatyou’rerelaxedwithme.Ithinkyouneedto

relaxmoreoften.”

“Whatareyou,mylifecoachnow?”
“Ifyoulike.DidyoucancelthosedatingsiteslikeIsuggested?”
Shebitesherlipandlookstotheside,thennods.“Idid.”

“Good.”Itakeabiteofsaladandnod.“Areyousureyoudon’twantsomefood?”
“Irarelyhavetimetoeat,”Rileysays,andchecksthetimeonherphone.“Infact,Ishouldgo.Ihave

tomeettherooferatmyhouse.”

“What’swrongwithyourroof?”
“It’sold,”shesayswithashrug.“That’swhathappenswhenyoubuyanoldhouse.I’mfixingitupa

littleatatime.”

Inod,andfindthatIdon’twanthertogoquiteyet.Iwanttotalkmore,tolearnmoreabouther.
“Whydon’tyoucometomyapartmenttonightandI’llcookyoudinner?”
Shepausesandstaresatmeforamoment.“Why?”
Ilaughandsetmyforkdown.“BecauseIaskedyouto.We’regoingtobeworkingcloselyoverthe

nextfewweeks,wemightaswellgettoknoweachotheralittlebetter.Also,wecandiscussmynew
dutiesasyourlifecoach.”

“Well.”Herlipstwitchasshethinksitoverforamoment,amyriadofemotionsmovingacrossher

beautifulface,andfinallyshesays,“Okay.Doyoumindtextingmetheaddressandthetime?”

“Notatall,”Ireply,andimmediatelypasshermyphone.“PluginyournumberandI’lltextyouthis

afternoon.”

Shecomplies,passesitback,andsmiles.“Okay,seeyoulater.”
Andwiththat,she’soff.Herassswayingenticinglyinhertightskirt,calvesflexingfromtheheightof

herheels,andthefoodI’mcurrentlychewingimmediatelytasteslikecardboard.

Jesus.
AndIjustvoluntarilyofferedtospendtimewithher.Alone.
I’mafuckinggluttonforpunishment.
“I’mstarving,”RileyimmediatelysaysasIopenthedoor.She’sinjeansandawell-lovedUniversity

ofOregonsweatshirt,herhairispulledupinaponytail,andshelookslikeshecouldbeaco-edherself.
“Iforgottoeattoday.”

“Doesthathappeneveryday?”IaskasIgestureforhertocomeinsideandclosethedoorbehindher.
“Mostdays,”sheadmits.“Isthisoneofthosebadchoicesthatyou’regonnacoachmethrough?”
“Yes,”Ireply,andleadherintothekitchen.“Youhavetoeat.”
“Iknow,Ijustgetfocusedonotherthings,andthenextthingIknow,thedayisgoneandI’mstarving.”

Shepassesmetwobottlesofwine.“Ididn’tknowwhatwewerehaving,soIbroughtredandwhite.”

“Thanks.”Igrinandsetthembothonthecounter.“Imadesalmonandasparaguswithbabyred

potatoes.Whatgoesbestwiththat?”

Hereyeslightup.“Thewhite.Holyshit,areyouachefyourself?”
“Iwenttoculinaryschool,”Ireply,andsqueezesomelemononthesalmonbeforeplatingit.“ButI

discoveredIwasbetteratadeskjob.”

“That’sunusual,”shesays,herheadtiltedtothesideasshelistens.“Mostpeoplefighttogetoutofa

deskjob.”

“Notme.IhaveatonofrespectforMia,becausebeingachefisn’teasy,andpleasingpeoplesucks.”
“True.”Rileynods.“Shedoesn’tgetmanyplatessentbacktoher,butthereareafew.CanIpouryou

aglass?”

“Nothanks,”Ireply,andreachinthefridgeforabottleofwater.“Idon’tdrinkalcohol.”
“Oh.”Shefrowns.“I’msorry.Icandrinkwatertoo.”
“It’sfine,”Ireply,andpathershoulder.“Idon’tmindifyoudrink.Ijustdon’t.”
“Butlastnight,youweredrinkingJackandCoke.”
“Nope,justCoke.”
Shesitsatthetable,stillfrowning.“I’msorry.”
“There’snothingtobesorryfor.”Isetourplatesdown.“I’vebeensoberfortenyears.I’mnotthe

kindofalcoholicwhocan’tbearoundothershavingadrink.Itwasneverthatbadforme.I’mjustabetter
personifIdon’tdrink.”

“Goodforyouforknowingthat,”shesays,holdingherglassouttoclinkagainstmywater.“Thislooks

delicious.”

“Yousoundsurprised.”
“IexpectedpizzaorChinesetakeout,”shesays.“Honestly,that’sprobablywhatyouwouldhave

gottenfromme.I’malsosurprisedthatyou’renotstayinginahotel.”

“I’mherelongenoughthatthenetworksprungfortheapartment.TheyusuallydowhenI’m

somewherelongerthanaweekorso.”

“Youmusttravelalotforthisjob,”shesays,eatingherfoodlikeastarvingchild.Idon’tknowifshe

eventastesit,she’seatingsofast.

“Itraveloften,”Ireply,andgrinwhenshetakesthelastbite.“Areyougoingtolicktheplate?”
“Maybe,”shesayswithagrin.“I’mnotevenembarrassedthatIatethatsofast.Itwasdelicious.”
“I’mgladyoulikedit.There’smore.”
“No,I’mgood,”shesays,andreachesinherbag,pullingoutapadofpaperandapen.“Youcaneat

whileIinterviewyou.”

“Forwhat?”
“Forthepositionoflifecoach,”shesayswithasassygrin.Iwanttokissthatgrinrightoffherface,

butinsteadItakeabiteofpotatoandgestureforhertobegin.

“Okay,firstquestion:Whatqualificationsdoyouhavethatmakeyouagoodfitforthisposition?”
“Well,Ihaveafewyearsonyou,soIwouldsaywisdomwithage.”
Shetiltsherheadtotheside,thewayshedoeswhenshe’sturningsomethingoverinherhead.“You

can’tbethatmucholderthanme.”

“I’mthirty-seven.”
“Sevenyears,”shesays,rollinghereyes.
“Alotcanhappeninsevenyears,”Ireply,andsipmywater.
“Okay,I’llgiveyouthat.”Shecheckssomethingoffonherpaper.
“Didyoureallywritedownquestions?”
“Ofcourse.I’mthequeenoflistsandtherooferwasatmyhouseforever.”Shebitesherlipasshe

looksatherlist.“Howmanywomenhaveyoulife-coachedinthepast?”

“Well,Ididn’thaveanofficialjobtitle,butIhavetwoyoungersisters,andanex-wife,soIwouldsay

three.”

“Butthewifeisanex,somaybethatdidgowell?”Rileyasks.“Andareyoursistersproductive

membersofsociety?”

“Asopposedtobeinginjail?”Iask,laughing.“You’rehilarious,Riley.”
“Youdidn’tanswerthequestion.”
“Mysistersaregreat.Theolderoneismarried,astay-at-homemomwithtwokids,andtheyounger

oneisawaitress.”

“Buttheex-wifethingdidn’tworkout.”
“She’snotamess,wejustbothdecidedthatsheshouldn’tbemywifeanymore.”
“Why?”
Isitbackinmychairandwipemymouthonmynapkin.“Becauseshethoughtitwasagoodideato

havesexwithothermen.”

Hereyebrowsclimbonherforeheadandsheblinkstwice.“That’sagoodreason.”
“Ithoughtso.”
“Okay,nextquestion.”Shecheckssomethingonherpaperandlooksupatmewithasmile.“Howdo

youintendtobecompensatedforyourwork?”

“I’mworkingprobono,”Ireplywithawink.
“Why?”
“BecauseI’mgoingtobehereanyway,andwhynot.”Ishrugandfinishthefoodonmyplate.“What

elsedoyouwanttoknow?”

“Ismycomingtoavirtualstranger’sapartmentbymyselfoneofthebaddecisionsyoushouldhave

coachedmeon?”

IsmileandsetmyplateasidesoIcanleanonthetable.“Didthegirlstellyouthatcominghereby

yourselfwasabadidea?”

“IonlytalkedtoCamiandshethoughtIshouldcome.Plus,Ihaveaconcealedcarry,soIfeelpretty

confidentthatI’msafe.”

Iraiseabrowandcrossmyarmsovermychest.“Youcarryagunwithyou?”
“Helltotheyes,”shereplies,andoffersmeasweetsmile.“I’vebeenmeetingstrangemenonthe

Internet.YoubetyourassI’vebeenarmed.”

“Goodidea,”Ireplywithanod.“Therearealotofcraziesoutthere.”
“Yes.ButIthinkthatifyou’regonnameetacrazy,itcouldbeanywhere.Online,inabar,atthegas

station.They’reeverywhere.”

“That’struetoo,”Ireply,andnod.“Well,I’mgladyou’rebeingcautious.”
“I’mnobody’svictim,”shesays,ascasuallyasifshe’stellingmehershoesize.
That’sfuckingsexy.
“Doyouhaveanyotherquestions?”
“Notreally,”shesays,andshrugs.“Ididn’treallywriteanythingdown.Butitwasfuntointerrogate

youabit.”

“NowIhavequestions,”Ireply,andsmilewhenshecocksherheadandpursesherlips.“Doyou

reallythinkyouneedalifecoach?”

“No,Ihavemyshittogether,”shesayswithagrin.
“Whywereyoureallyonallofthosesites?”
Sheshrugs.“Becauseit’snoteasymeetingpeople.Andsometimesagirlwantstogooutonadate.”
“Youdon’tneedme,”Ireply,andsmile.“ButI’llbearoundforawhile,justincase.”
“JustincaseIslipandfallbackintotheonlinedating?”
“That,orifyoujustwanttohavedinner,orchat.AndIthinkweshouldwatchamarathonofStar

Wars.Yourlackofknowledgeiscauseforconcern.”

“It’skindofaguything,”shesays.
“IknowmanywomenwholikeStarWars.”
“Well,Iwouldwatchoneortwo.”
“Youneedtoseethemalltounderstandwhat’shappening.”
“That’salotofhoursofmylifethatI’llnevergetback,”shesayswithafrown.“Aren’tthere

CliffsNotessomewhere?Aspeedywaytogetcaughtup?”

“No,”Ireply,andfistmyhandsinmylapsoIdon’treachoutandtuckherhairbehindherear.
OryankheragainstmesoIcankissthefuckoutofher.
“Areyouokay?”sheasks.
“Areyoualwaysthisobservant?”
“I’manoverthinker,”shesays.“Soyeah,I’manobserver.”
“I’vebeenlabeledanoverthinkertoo,”Isaywithagrin.
“Wouldyousayit’sanaccurateassessment?”
“Ohyeah,”Isaywithanod,andstandtoclearourplatesaway.Shestandstohelp.“I’vegotthis.”
“Noway,youcooked,soI’llhelpclean.”
Shewalksaheadofme,heremptyglassinonehandandherplateintheother.“Doyouusethe

dishwasher,ordoyouwashbyhand?”

“Therearepeoplewhostillwashbyhand?”
“I’veheardofthem,butI’veneverseentheminthewild,”shesays,andsmilesupatmewhenIjoin

her.“SoIguessthatmeansweusethedishwasher?”

“Yes.”SherinsesandIload,andafewshortminuteslater,we’redone.
“Well,IsupposeIshouldgo,”shesays,andchecksthetimeonherphone.“Oh,Camitexted.IguessI

shouldreplysoshedoesn’tthinkyoukilledmeaftertheentrée.”

Shesmirksandtypesonherphone,thenturnsitoffandlooksupatme.
“Thanksfordinner.”
“You’rewelcome.”
“I’llseeyoutomorrowmorning.”
Unfortunately,itwon’tbeinmybed.
“Youwill.”
“Okay.”Shegathersherbag,notepadandpen,andwalkstothedoor.“Sleepwelltonight.”
Igrinandcongratulatemyselffornotdraggingmyfingertipsdownhercheek.
“Yousleepwelltonight,Riley.”
“Okay.Bye.”
SheleavesandIclosethedoor,lettingoutaslowbreath.Jesus,she’ssexyandfunnyandsmartas

fuck.

AndI’mnotgoingtotouchherwhileI’mhere.
HowthefuckamIgoingtodothat?