be real. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was the whiskey. Disbelief, doubt, and utter
confusionwereallsittinglikeaknotinmygut,pushingupwardsonmyracingheartand
makingitswayuptomytightthroat.Icouldn’tbreathe.Icouldn’tswallow.

I—Icouldn’tdomuchofanythingexceptgapeatthewomanwholookedandsounded

exactlylikemymother.Only—itcouldn’thavebeen.

“It’snotpossible,”Isaidinashockedwhisper.“It’sjustnot.”

“It’spossible.She’sreallyhere,”Crittersaid.Hisdeepvoicewasusuallycalmingfor

me, but in that moment, there wasn’t anything that could calm my shaking hands and
sweatypalms.“Thisain’tnodream,Sawyer.She’salive.Justasmuchasyouandme.”I
glancedupathimandhewaswatchingme—gaugingmyreaction.“Itoldhersheneeded
toholdoffuntilshewasstronger,butshewantedtoseeyouandwhenshe’sallthere,like
shewasthismorning,thereisnotalkingheroutofit.”

Atall,robustwomanwithbroadsquareshouldersandshortblackhairappearedatmy

mother’sside.Thescowlonherfacedidn’tmatchthebrightpinkscrubswithlarge,happy
faceprint.“Thisisnotgoodforher,Mr.Critter,”thewomansaid.“Ineedtotakeherback
tothehouse.”

It was then I realized my mother hadn’t moved since she’d first said my name. Her

starewasblankandunfocusedonthebackwall.

“No,wait!”Icalledout.Iranupandthrewmyarmsaroundher,needingtofeelher,

needingtoknowshewasreallytherebecausewordsweren’tenough.

Mymother’sarmsstayedtoherside,hanginglimplyagainstherbody.“Mygirl,”she

whispered.Ipulledbackjustintimetoseethesmallsmileonherlipsfadeintoastraight
line.Herlipshungpartiallyopen.

“What’s wrong?” I asked on a strangled cry. She didn’t answer. I turned to Critter.

“What’swrongwithher!”Idemandedtoknow.

“Comeon.It’stimetogo,”thenursesaid,scoopingmymotherupandcradlingherin

herarmslikesheweighednomorethanasmallchild.

“WhatwasIsupposedtodo,Maddy?Tiehertothegoddamnbed?”Critteraskedthe

nurse.“Nevercouldsaynotoher.”Hegrumbled,rubbinghistemples.

“What’sgoingon?”Idemanded,glancingbetweenthenurseandCritter.Itookastep

backwhilemymindraced.IheldontoatablewhenIgrewdizzy.“Howisthispossible?”

My mother moaned, and the nurse carried her out the back door. Critter and I both

followedandIwatchedherplaceherintoanawaitingvan,expertlybucklingherintothe
gurneyinthebackwithinseconds.

Critterwalkeduptherampofthevanandstrokedhishandlovinglyovermymother’s

face.“It’sokay.We’llgetyouhomenowsoyoucanrest.”Mymotherdidn’trespond.“I’ll
comeseeyoulater,mylove.”Hekissedherontheforehead,sighed,thenturnedbackto
Maddy.“Takeher.I’llfollowsoon.”

“Whereareyoutakingher?”Iasked,feelingpaniccoursingthroughmeattheideaof

notknowingwhereshe’dbeastheydroveoff.

“Home. My house,” Critter answered. He scratched his head and looked at the van

longafteritdisappeareddowntheroad.“Whereshewasalwaysmeanttobe.”Heturned
to me and placed a hand on my shoulder but I stepped back as if he’d shocked me. He
lookedtotheground.“Iknowyouhavealotofquestions…”

“Questions?”Iasked,andwithoutrealizingitIstartedtolaugh.“Questionsseemsso

smallcomparedtowhatIhaverightnow.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when you first got here,” Critter continued, ignoring my

outburst. “But your mother was in such rough shape that I didn’t want you to have to
grieve her twice. I never gave any thought to the condition she’d be in when I got her
back. I was stupid enough to assume that she’d just be herself like she’d been before. I
shouldhaveknownbetter.Youdon’tspendtwodecadeswithamanlikeRichardDixon
andcomeoutwholeontheotherend.”Helookedatmeandwinced,realizingwhathe’d
justsaid.“I’msorry,Ididn’tmean…”

“Don’tbesorry.It’strue.Youdon’tspendtwodecadeswithamanlikehimandcome

outwhole.”Itookinalongshakybreath.“I’malltoofamiliar.Butpleasetellme,what’s
wrongwithher?”

“It turns out she’s suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s the same thing

soldiers sometimes go through after they’ve come home from combat. And there’s no
doubtinmymindthatwhatyourmotherwentthroughwasagoddamnedwarzone.She
wasquietbutallrightatfirst.Oncewetoldheryouwerehereandallrightitwaslikeall
thewallsshe’dputupcamecrumblingdown,andthemagnitudeofeverythinghitherlike
adamnedtidalwave.”

“Willshegetbetter?”Iasked.

Critter’s eyes grew teary and again. “Only time will tell. She’s getting help. But she

has her moments. Sometimes, when she’s with it, she goes back and forth between the
presentandthinkingit’stwentyyearsago.”

“Youliedtome,”Isaid.Theweightofrealitywasn’tjustcrushingmymotherbecause

Ifeltitsittingonmyshoulderslikeananvil.

“Yes.Idid,”Critteradmitted.“Butifithelpsany,Iknowhowyoufeel.Ithoughtshe

wasdead.Ithoughtshe’dleftmeandthenhe’dkilledher.”Heclenchedandunclenched
his fists. “I know now that’s what he led me to believe. Your mother thought the same.
That I was dead. Wasn’t until I had a dream about her that I felt like she was somehow
alive.Isentateamtolookforheragain.Atfirst,theydidn’tcomeupwithadamnthing.
And then they located the camper and truck in a storage unit in North Carolina. That’s
howItraceditbacktoher.That’showIknewwhereshewas.”

“So,shefakedherdeath?”

Critterlookedtothegroundandshuffledhisfeet.“No,wedid.Weextractedher.The

plan was to get both of you out but I was there that day. Watching her from a distance,
waiting for you to meet her, but something was off. She wasn’t just sad. There was
somethingelsethere.Afinalityinthewayshewatchedthetrafficmovebackandforthon
theroad.Iknewwehadtogetheroutofthererightthatsecond,sowedid.Gotsomenot
so up-and-up members of society to pretend to hit her and fake a mangled body for
viewing. They bribed everyone seven ways ‘til Sunday until your mother was dead in
every single way but in the breathing sense. We planned on coming back for you a few
days later. I wouldn’t have left you there. You need to know that. But by then you’d
alreadybolted.Idamnnearhadafuckingheartattackwhenyoushowedupatthebarthat
day.”

“All this time I’d been here in Outskirts, she’s…she’s been here too?” I asked in a

whisper.

Critternoddedwithouttakinghiseyesoffme.Asadexpressiononhisnormallystoic

face.

“And…andyou’vebeencaringforher?”Iasked,alreadyknowingtheanswer.

Anothersmallnod.

Suddenly, the urge to catch my breath was overwhelming. My chest was tight. My

throatdry.Icouldn’tswallowlikesomethingwasstuckinmywindpipe.Irubbedmyarms
likeIcouldcalmtheflowofuneaseandconfusioncoursingthroughmyentirebody.Iwas
coldandthenhot.Nauseous.

Overwhelmedanddizzy,Igaspedforbreath.

Ihadtogetoutofthere.Leave.Go…somewhere.Somewherelessconfusing.Without

anotherword,Iturnedanddartedfromthebar,intotherainwhichhadjustbeguntofall.I
should be elated my mother was alive but there was something else blocking off that
feelingfromregistering.Ahurt.ApainlikeI’dneverfeltbefore.Confusionaboveallelse.

I ran faster and faster as if I could escape it all. As the rain fell harder and harder,

stingingmyskinwitheachstep,butitwasnothingcomparedtothestinginmyheart.

CHAPTER2

SAWYER

INN

HOVERING

ABOVE

BED

HIS

BODY

PRESSED

AGAINST

MINE

THE

MOST

delicious way. The heat from his chest warming my heart as well as my skin. His blond
hair is disheveled. A light sheen of sweat covers his lightly tanned skin. His defined
shouldermusclesarestrainedwithtension.

Irunmyhandoverhisbristlyjaw,andhecloseshiseyeslikemytouchiseverythingto

him, and in that moment, I feel like it is. He peers down at me with his beautiful bright
blueeyes and it’slike he’s lookingso deeply into minethat he cansee right through me
whenhethrustsinsidemeforthefirsttime.Mybodyignites,andhegroans,pullingout
andpushinginsidemybodyalloveragain.Hekissesme,drinksinmylipslikehe’sdying
ofthirstandImoanhisnameintohismouthasourtonguesmeet.

“Iloveyou,”hewhispers.

I’mtrembling.Withjoy.Withanticipation.He’severythingIneverknewIneededhim

tobe.Myheartexpandsandmysexclenchesaroundhimashethrustsharderanddeeper
insidemyswollenchannel.

I’m so close. The buildup is almost painful. Every stroke leaves me needier than the

last.

Finndrivesintomefasterandfaster.Relentlesslypoundingharderandharder.Justas

I reach the edge of my release…he’s gone. The bed’s gone. I’m now standing behind a
familiarcrowdofpeopleinanevenmorefamiliarsetting.SomewhereIneverwantedto
bethefirsttimearound.

“Marriage is the most sacred promise you can make. Family is second only to God

himself.” The Reverend preaches from behind his podium of lies. My mother’s casket is
frontandcenter.

I’mbackatherfuneral.

Only,something’sdifferent.

Off.

Everyoneinthecrowdissmiling.Theykeeplookingovertheirshouldersliketheyare

allwaitingforsomething.

FinncomesintoviewandI’minstantlyrelievedtoseehim.Iexhale.He’sashandsome

asever,wearingadarkgreysuitwithmatchingtie.Hiseyescrinkleslightlyattheedges

ashissmilegrowsbiggerandbrighter.Mystomachflutters.Hewalksdowntheaisleand
justasheapproachesIrealizehe’snotlookingATme.He’slookingTHROUGHme.

Finnpassesmebyandstopsatthepodium,standingnexttothereverendwhoplacesa

handonhisshoulder.

What is he doing here? What’s going on? I wonder as I look down only to find I’m

onceagaindressedinalongskirtandshapelessgreyblouse.

Itrytotakeastep,toreachforhimbutIcan’t.I’mfrozeninplace.Itryandshouthis

namebutnosoundcomesout.Hecan’thearme.He’sfocusedonsomethingelsedownthe
centeroftheaisle.

Someoneelse.

A beautiful blond woman appears with perfect blonde hair and a bright white smile.

She’s wearing a long white wedding dress. A tear drips down her cheek as she reaches
Finnwhotakesherhandsinhis.Theyonlylookateachother.

“WearegatheredherebeforeGodtojoinFinnHollisandJacquelineWatson…”

Jackie.

I don’t listen to the rest. I can’t. I can’t even breathe. My chest is terrifyingly tight it

feelslikesomeoneisjumpingonmychest.

Itryandshoutagain,butit’snotworking.Theycan’thearme.OratleastFinncan’t.

Jackielooksovertome,herheadturningeversoslowly.

Shewinks.

I gasp and back out of the tent. Knocking chairs over on my way. Once again

stumblingoveraheadstonebutthistimewhenIuseittobreakmyfallInoticethename
onit.

Mine.

Iturnandrun.Fasterandfasterleapingoverheadstonesuntiltheyturnintotrees,the

earthgrowingsoggybeneathmyfeet.

I’mwinded,butIpushthroughthesharpburningsensationbuildinginmylungs.The

airishotinmythroatasIbreathethroughmymouth,tryingtopullinasmuchoxygenasI
cansoIcankeepgoing.

Imustkeepgoing.

Iheartheechooffootstepsrunningbehindme.

I’mnotalone.

I run faster and faster. The brush grows thicker and thicker until my long skirt gets

caught on a branch and drags me to a sudden halt. I fall forward onto the ground. My
handsstingasIbreakmyfallonalog.Myteethvibratelikeatuningforkwhenmychin
smacksintotheearth.

I turn and attempt to yank on my skirt to free it from the brush it’s snagged on, but

suddenlythethornsonthebranchthathasmecaptiveturnsintofingers.Thefingersgrow

longerandlonger,theflowersturntohands,thebranchestoarms.Nightmarishflowersof
flesh. Hundreds of them reach for me and I skid in the soft earth, trying to stand, to get
away.

Iunbuttonmyskirtandpushitdownmylegs,butit’stoolate.Thehandsareholding

medownagainsttheground.Strugglingisuseless.I’mtrapped,myheadencasedinthe
fleshofthehumanfingerflowers.

Itryandscreamasmoreandmoresproutfromnowhere,reachacrossmybody,and

strapmedownlikeacrazypersontoagurney,butagain,silence.

Asmallslitbetweenfingersallowsmetoseethelegsofthepersonwho’sbeenchasing

meastheycometoastop.

Mymouthissuddenlycoveredbyahand.

Thenmynose.

Ican’tbreatheasthepersonfinallycomesintofullview.

Mother.

She glances down, shakes her head and smirks. Kneeling beside me she begins to

laughsilently.Hermouthwideopen,hershouldersshakingviolently.

IwonderifIcan’thearherbecausethehandsarecoveringmyears.

OrbecauseI’malreadydead.

CHAPTER3

FINN

FTER

SAW

THE

CAVALRY

FROM

THE

CHURCH

BEGIN

ARRIVE

SPENT

THE

ENTIRE

afternoonwatchingthemsetuptheirtentandunloadtheirtrucks.

IgrabbedmyboatandwhenIgotcloseenough,Ikilledtheengineandpaddledmy

wayunderanembankmentwhereIsatquietly,listeningtotheworkerssettingupthetent
service.Ihadn’theardmuchmorethanshoutedinstructions.IwasabouttoleavewhenI
heard the voices of two men directly above me, walking along the edge of the
embankment just a few feet above my head. I crouched as close to the muddy wall as I
could.

“Who is delivering the Lord’s word this season?” one man asked the other. My ears

instantlyperked.Myheartbeatquickened.

“IthinktheyaresendingPastorYoungsincePastorDixonwon’tbecominguntillater

thisseason.Ifhecomesatallhe’llbeatleastafewweeksbehindtherestofus.”

“Whatashameabouthiswife.Godblessher.”

“Yes,buttheLordhashisreasons.”

“Amen.FamilyisthelightoftheLord.Hiswillinhumanflesh.”

Theothermanmumbledhisagreementandthentheyweregone.

Thankfuck.Richardwouldn’tbecoming,butwhileImademywaybacktolandsoI

couldgettoSawyer,Iwasfilledwithunease.HemightnotbecomingnowandIknewfor
afactCritterstillhadeyesonhim,butmyreliefwasshorttermbecausehewouldalways
beathreat.We’dalwaysbelookingoverourshoulders.

By the time I made my way back to my truck, I hadn’t realized how long I’d been

watching them when I checked my phone. Five missed calls. Two from the landline at
Critter’sbarandthreefromCritterhimself.

IcalledCritter’scell.

Critteransweredwithagruff,“What?”

“Thechurchcavalryisintown,butIoverheardsomeoftheworkers.RichardDixon

won’tbejoiningthemthisyear.”

“Good.Myguywilltellmeifhesomuchascrossesoverthestateline,butrightnow

wegotbiggerfishtofry.Sawyerknowsabouthermama.”

“Ithoughtyouweregoingtowait.”

“Yeah, but Caroline had a moment of clarity and all she wanted was to see her

daughter.Ithoughtitmighthelp.”

“Didit?”

Therewasapause.“No.Notforeitherofthem.”

LIBRARY

DOOR

wasunlockedandasingletablelightwasoninthecenteroftheroom.

TherewasSawyer,hunchedoverthetablewithabookunderneathherarms,herwild

hairspreadoutliketheraysofanauburncoloredsun.

Ibreathedoutaheavysighofrelief.

“I thought I’d find you here,” I said, coming up behind her and leaning over her

shoulder, breathing in her familiar lavender scent. “What are you doing?” I whispered,
placingmychinonhershoulder.

Sheliftedherhead,spunaroundandItookastepback.ImmediatelyInoticedthetear

stains on her face. Her swollen eyes. The redness of her cheeks. “I must have fallen
asleep,”shesaid,lookingdazedandbreathinghard.“Ihadanightmare.”

“Areyouokay?”Iasked,crouchingdowninfrontofherandtakingherhandsinmine.

“ItalkedtoCritter.Hetoldmewhathappenedwithyourmom.Areyoualright?”I bent
overandwrappedmyarmsaroundher,pressingmyroughcheektohersoftone.

Sheshruggedslowlyasifhershoulderswereheavyundertheweightofhertroubles.

“AndthentherewasthebaddreamIjusthadwhereyouwere…nevermind.”

“Tellme,”Iinsisted.

Sheshookherhead.“It’snotimportant.IthoughtIwasnaiveandthatIdidn’tknowa

lot about the outside world, but as it turns out, I just don’t know much about anything,
includingmypast,includinganythingaboutmyownmother.She’s…she’salive,butshe’s
notthesame.Crittersaidit’ssomethingcalledPostTraumaticStressDisorder.Iwantto
behappyIdo.Ijust…Ican’t.Notyet.It’salltoomuch.”

Thereismore.

Guilt immediately washed over me for keeping the truth from her. She deserved to

knowitall.“Say,Ihavetotellyousomething,”Istarted,butsheinterruptedme.

“I couldn’t imagine having a daughter and just vanishing on her. Letting her think I

wasdeadwhenIwasn’t.Notevenforasecond.”Shegrabbedherstomach,wrappingher
arms around herself in a hug like the thought was making her physically ill. In fact, it
mighthavebeenmakingherillbecauseshelookedalotpalerthanusual.Hereyeswere
linedwithdarkcircles.

“I’m just really confused. I don’t know where to place all these feelings. The anger.

The hurt. The…everything.” Sawyer turned back around and dropped her head to her
chest.Mystronggirlwho’dfacedthedevilwithhornsofherownwasflailingandIfelt

helplesswhenhershouldersshook.

“Hey,” I said, wrapping my arms around her. “You’re right, you know what? When

youbecomeamothertoourchildren,Iknowthatyouwouldneverabandonthematany
cost.Becausethat’swhoyouare.Neitherofuswouldeverdothat.Butyoudon’tknow
everythingyet.YouneedtotalktoCritter.Toyourmotherand…”

“Ourchildren?”Sawyeraskedwithasniffle.

Mychesttightened.OutofallIwassayingthat’swhatshe’dheardtheloudest.“Yes.

Our children. Together. Me and you.” I cupped her face in my hand. “I’d like nothing
morethantoseeyoucarryingourbabysomeday.”Anditwastrue.Theverythoughtof
Sawyercarryingmybabymademyheartwarmandaprimalpartofmewanttopoundon
my chest and roar into the night. Since no precautions were taken, it was always a
possibility.

Sawyer’ssmilewasatear-filledone.“Metoo.Someday,I’dlikethatverymuch.”The

sadnessinhervoicemademyheartlurchinmychestnotbeingabletotakeawayherpain.

Iwasholdinghertighttomychestwhenshepushedawayforamomenttopickupa

familiarcrumbledyellowflyerthathadbeenshovedinthemailslot.Iknewexactlywhat
itwasbecauseCritterhadshownittomebefore.

This was Sawyer’s first time seeing it. In Outskirts, at least. I held my breath as she

scanned the flyer. Her eyes went wide. The logo for God’s Light Church couldn’t be
missed.

“He’s…he’shere,”shewhispered.Unblinkingshetookawobblystepback,knocking

overachair.

Ireachedfortheflyer.Needingtotakeitawayfromherlikeitcouldalsotakeaway

thefearwrittenalloverherface.“No.He’snothere.Notyet.”

Sawyerstumbledagain.Sherightedherselfbeforeusingoneofthebookshelves.The

flyer still in her hand she held it up in her balled-up fist. “How do you know that? You
can’t know that! He’s here, and I won’t let him take me. I won’t! You don’t know him.
He’llfindme.He’lltryandbreakmethewayhebrokeher!”

SawyerturnedawaybutIspunherbackaroundtofaceme.Icroucheddown,ensuring

my eyes were in line with hers so she could see the truth in my eyes if by chance she
didn’t hear it in my words. “I know he’s not coming because I went there. To the
fairgrounds. That’s where I was tonight. I saw the trucks come in off the highway and I
followedthem.”

Sawyertookastepback,andthistimeIletherhavethespace.Itwasonlyafewsteps

althoughnowitfeltlikeacanyonbetweenus.

“And no one could break you. No one. You’re far too strong to be broken by weak

mindedpeople.Lookatallyou’vebeenthroughandhowfaryou’vecome.”

“Iwon’thaveitalltakenawayfromme.NotwhenIjustfoundthisplace.NotwhenI

justfoundyou.”

Ifeltdamnedawfulforleavingoutthepartsofthestorythatwere—asCritterwould

say—not my story to tell. “I went there tonight, and I overheard some of the workers
talking.Yourfather—Richard—isn’tcoming.Notforawhileanyway.Wehavetime.We
won’tbeherewhenhegetshere.Itwillallbeokay.”Isaid,tryingasmuchtoconvince
myselfasIwasSawyer.

Sawyerscoffed.“He’llwanthisrevengeforthemoneyIstole.He’llwanthisrevenge

for me running away. He’ll kill me the way I’m sure he’d always planned to kill me
becauseheblamedmewhenshedied.”Alookofpurepaniccrossedoverherface.“Wait,
my mother! Does he know she’s alive? She can’t know? If he’s not there, then where is
he?Whereismyfather?”Sheplacedhershakyfingersoverherlips.

I cringed at the next answer I had to deliver to her. “He’s not here. If he crosses the

stateline,wewillknowfirst.I’mgoingtoprotectyou,Sawyer.IswearwitheverythingI
havethatIwillkeepyousafe.”

“Buthecouldcomehere.Hecouldcomeforus.”Shegasped.“Mymother!”

“YourmotheriswithCritterrightnow.She’ssafe.Ipromise.Hewouldn’tletanything

happentoherjustlikeIwouldneverletanythinghappentoyou.”

Sawyershouldersvisiblydroppeduntilshestraightenedlikeshe’drethoughtwhatever

hadherslumpingovertobeginwith.“I’mgoingtogotothechurch,”shesaid,marching
towardthedoor.“I’mgoingtotellthemwhatamonsterheis.Theymaynotvaluewomen
but they can’t turn a blind eye to all the harm he’s caused. If they can use the Bible to
justifytheiractionstheycanuseittoseehowwrongtheyareaswell.”

Ipushedthedoorshutthesecondsheopenedit.“No,thefuckyouwon’t.I’mgoingto

keepyousafewhetheryoulikeitornotandconfrontinganentirechurchofyourfather’s
supportersisn’tintheplans.”

“I have to do something! I can’t just sit here like a cow in a pasture waiting for the

butcher.Imustact.Imustgettohimfirst.Ihavetotellsomeoneinthechurchaboutwho
heisandwhatheiscapableof!”Hereyeswerewild.Crazed.“Ifeellikeacagedanimal.
Thereisnoescape.Therewillneverbeanescape.”

“Yes,therewillbe.Buttellmethis,whatdoyouthinkisgoingtohappenwhenyou

walkintothattentandaccuseoneoftheirownofthingsyouyourselftoldmetheymay
already know about. And even if they didn’t condone that sort of thing why would they
listentoyou?You’readefectorwithnophysicalevidencetobackupyourclaims.Whodo
youthinktheyaregoingtobelieve?”

“You’re right.” She shook her head. Her face was splotchy patches of red and pink

over her smattering of freckles. Her shoulders deflated. She ran her fingers through her
hairandtuggedattheroots.“Ican’tjustwaitforhimtohurtusagain.Notthistime.”

“We will figure something out. We will get a plan together but you best believe I’m

notlettingyoudosomethingbullheadedandbraveifitputsyouatanysortofrisk.”

“ButIcandothis!”sheargued.“Icangostophim!”

“No!”Igrowled,backingherintoashelf.Booksclatteredtotheground.

“We’ve been through this, Finn. Don’t treat me like I’m fragile. Like I’m going to

break.”Sheturnedherbacktome.“I’mnother.I’mnotJackie!”

“No.You’renothinglikeher,”Isaidsoftly.Reachingforher,Igentlygripherwaistas

iftoremindhershewasn’taloneanymoreandneverwouldbeagain.“You’restrong,my
love.Soverystrong.”

“Thenpleasestoptreatingmelikeyoudon’ttrustmetohandlethiswhenI’vehandled

so much worse! I’ve seen worse. If we make decisions together then help me make this
one,”sheargued.

Itippedherchinupuntilhereyesfoundmine.“No,”Isnapped,tryingtokeepmytone

as soft as possible so she wouldn’t confuse my assertiveness with anger. “That’s not
happening.Itrustyou.Ido.IjustwanttokeepyousafeandIcan’tdothatif—”

“Youcan’twhat,Finn?”Sawyerasked.Sheheldoutherarmslikeshewaswaitingto

catchwhateveranswerIwasgoingtothrowather.“Becausewhateveritisyouhaveto
tellme,tellme,becauseI’mtiredofthesehalf-truthsthathavebeenfedtomemyentire
life.”

“I can’t fucking lose you!” I shouted, my words echoed off the walls and ceiling,

surroundingusinthedesperationofmywords.

ShetookastepbackbutIheldherinplace.Ileaneddownandgazedintothedepths

of her eyes. With all the determination I could muster, I told her the truth. Gentler this
time. “I just can’t lose you. I can’t go through that again. Not with you. Not ever. I just
fuckingcan’t.Don’tputmethroughthat.Iwon’trecoverbecauseIrefusetolivewithout
you.”

Theangerwasinstantlydousedfromhereyesandsheleanedintome.Iwrappedmy

armsaroundherandpulledherclose.“Youwon’teverloseme,”shesaid.“Butyouhave
topromisenottotreatmelikeI’mmadefromglassorthinpaperwhenI’m—”

“Whenyou’rereallymadeoutofpissandvinegar,”Ifinishedhersentenceforher.

“Ihavenoideawhatthatmeans,”shesaidwithasmalllaughandasniffle.“Iwasjust

goingtosaythatI’mnot.”

“Itmeansthatyou’reaforcetobereckonedwith.Iknowthat,Say.”Ibrushedoffa

tendrilofwildhairthathadfallenintomyeyes.“IknewitthefirstmomentIsawyouon
thatroadanditwasconfirmedwhenyoucamewalkingthroughmyclearing.”

Shestoodonhertiptoes.Craningherneck,shesmiledagainsttheskinbelowmyear

andwhispered.“It’smyclearingtoo.”

My chuckle turned into an all-out laugh as I picked me up and carried her over to a

table.“Iwasright.”Ibrushedaquickkissacrossherlips.“Allpissandvinegar.”

Icuppedhercheekandsheleanedintomytouch.Hereyeswerestillwatery.Sad.My

heartlurchedinmychest.“WhatcanIdotomakethisbetter?”Iasked,swipingmythumb
overhertears.

“Isawthetingstonight.Theonesyou’dhungforme.Rightbeforethewhole…thing

withmymother.”Sheflashedmeasadsmile.“Thankyou.”

“Itwasjustthetruth.Iactuallyhungthemweeksago.”Isuckedinadeepbreath.“I’d

doanythingforyou,Say.Tellme,whatIcandoforyounow?Ihateseeingyoulikethis.”

Sawyerthoughtforamoment.“Ijustdon’twanttothinkaboutitrightnow.Anyofit.

Ijustwantasecondtobreathe.Tothinkaboutsomethingelse.Todisappearfromreality.
Tofeel…anythingelse.Justforalittlewhile.”FreshtearspooledinhereyesandIcould
feelthepaintighteninginmychest.

Anger bubbled to the surface and I found myself clenching my fists to fight off this

invisiblebeastofthepasttormentingmygirlfromtheinsideout.

“Justtakeitaway,Finn.Justtakeitallaway,”shewhispered,placinghersmallhand

onmychestandlookedupatmewithpleadingeyes.

I sucked in a shaky breath. “Tell me, Say. Tell me what you want and it’s yours,” I

whispered,pressingmylipsagainstherneckrightbelowherear.

Shetrembledagainstme.Thetinyhairsonherneckstoodonend.Herquickintakeof

breath when I grazed my teeth over her skin made my pulse pound loudly in my ears. I
trailedmylipstoherjaw.

“I…Iwant…”shestammered.

“Tellme.Doyouwantme,Say?Doyouwantmetofuckyou?Makeyoucomehard

that you’ll forget everything, including your own name?” I threaded my fingers through
herwildcascadinghair.“Icandothat.Icanmakeyourbodyfeelsogoodthatyourmind
canrestawhile.”

“Yes,”shesaidonamoan.Whenoureyesconnected,therewaslustthereaswellas

embarrassmentatherconfessionwhenshelookedawaytoherfeet.Herfacereddened.

“Lookatme.”Itiltedherfaceupbyherchintomakesureoureyesmetonceagain.

Shecomplied,buttherewasstillhesitationinhergaze.Shame.

“What we do? Me and you?” I asked, pointing between us. “It’s not shameful. The

waywemakeeachotherfeel?It’sfuckingbeautiful.ThemostfuckingbeautifulthingI’ve
everexperienced.Don’teverfeelashamedtotellmewhatyouwant.Toaskmeforit.I
lovethatyouwantme,Say.”

I took her wrist and guided her hand to the front of my jeans so she could feel for

herselfthatwhatIwassayingwastrue.“Feelforyourselfwhatyoudotome.”

Shesuckedinasharpbreath.

“Youwantingmetotakeawayyourpainforjustafewminutesthiswayisthemost

preciousgiftyoucouldevergivemeandnotjustyourbody.Yourtrust.”Iplacedasoft
kissonhereyebrow.Hertemple.Hercheek.

Herpulsequickened.

“Thank you for trusting me,” I whispered before kissing her lips until we were both

moaning into one another’s mouths. Her soft pink lips opened for me and her tongue
greedily searched for mine as I snaked my hand up her thigh into her panties. Groaning
whenIfoundhersoakingwetandreadyforme,butIstillneededtohearthewords.”I’ll
giveyouwhatyouneed.Always.Justtellmewhatyouwantandit’syours.”

“How?” she breathed, craning her neck to me. Our foreheads rested against one

anotheraswebreathedineachother’sair.Iwasreadyforher.Tobewithher.Insideof
her.ButIneededhertosaythewords.

“Repeatafterme.”Iheldhergaze.“Iwantyou.”

“Iwantyou,”sherepeatedonawhisper.IsawtherawdesireinhereyesandIknewit

mirroredmyown.

Shetrembledandhereyesshut.“Lookatme,”Idemanded.Whenshedid,Ikissedher

again. Deeply, crazily. Like my life depended on keeping my mouth connected to her in
someway.

Iswallowedhard.“Goodgirl,”Ipraised,nippingherearlobeintomymouth.Itraced

mythumboverhernipplethroughhershirtandherbackarched,pushingherchestagainst
mine.Ichuckledagainstherneck.“Nowsay,Fuckme,Finn.”

My eyes went to her throat where I could see her pulse quicken beneath her smooth

skin. She twisted her pouty pink lips. Her hesitation only lasted a second before she
wrappedherarmsaroundmyneckandpulledmedownclosersothatthetipsofournoses
touched.Herlipsfeatheredagainstmine.“Fuckme,Finn.”

“Yes,”Igrowled.

Imayhavebeentheonewhotoldhertosaythosewordsbuthearingthemoutofher

mouth caused the raging inferno of lust within me to explode beyond control. I had a
feelingI’dbehearingthosewordsonrepeatinmyheadfortherestofmylife.

Fuckme,Finn.

Iliftedherupontothenearesttableandpushedherontoherback.Itoreherpanties

offinonetugandwhileIdevouredherwithmyeyes,Isomehowmanagedtoconcentrate
enoughtounbucklemybeltandpushmyjeansdownovermyass,freeingmythrobbing
cock.

SawyermoanedwhenIpartedherlegs,steppingbetweenthem.Thesoundwaspure

fuckingheaven.Ourtonguesdancedwhilewedrankeachotherin.Isavoredthewayher
bodyfeltagainstmine.Hardagainstsoft.Idugmyfingersintothefleshofherperfectly
round ass before moving them to her pussy where I parted her warm wet folds and
strummedherswollenclitbecauseSawyerwasmyinstrumentofchoiceandonlyIknew
howtoplayhertoperfection.

The look on Sawyer’s face when I inserted a finger inside of her was as if I’d just

givenheradrug.Shewashighonthepleasure.Herlidswereheavy.Herpupilslargeand
dark.IwasdeadsetonmakingsureIwrungeverybitofpleasurefromhergorgeousbody
andIgaveherexactlywhatshe’daskedmefor.

Anescape.

Andifanyoneknewathingortwoaboutescape,itwasme.

Sawyerwrithedagainstmyhand,drippingdownmywrist.Herpussytightenedaround

meandIgroaned,wishingI’dfeltthatonmycock.Ihookedmyarmaroundherwaistand
draggedhertotheedgeofthetable.“Ridemyhand,”Iorderedonastrangledrasp.Lostin

sensation, she glanced up at me for only a second before she began rotating her hips
againstmyhandwhichwasstillfuriouslyfuckingandstrummingherineveryplacethat
madehermoan.

Hereyesrolledbackinherheadwhenherfirstorgasmcrashedoverher.Thesoundof

herscreamingmynameechoedacrosstheroom.Herpussyclampedaroundmesohard
thatIdidn’tknowifI’dbeabletopullmyfingerbackout.

Fuckit.Itdidn’tmatter.I’dgladlykeepitinsideofherforever.

Ipushedherbackonthetableagainandpartedherfoldswiththetipofmycockthen

again,Ituggedherbodydowntosheathmeinhertightpussy.

Shetossedherheadbackandpressedherlipstogether.Shemusthavebecomeaware

ofhowloudshe’dbeenscreamingaftershecamethefirsttimebecauseshewasholding
backonme.

“Noonecanhearyouandwhothefuckcaresiftheycan?Letitout,Say,”Irasped,

seeingstarsasIpushedthroughherclenchedpussyuntilIwasasdeepasherbodywould
allow.“Thisismeandyou,remember?Youcandonowrong.Scream.Shout.Claw.Bite.
But don’t hold back. Don’t ever fucking hold back on me.” I pulled out halfway then
pushedbackinwithahardthrust.

Sheopenedhermouthandthemostamazingsoundcameout.Ahalfmoanhalfscream

thatalmosthadmecominginsideofherinstantly.Ifeltdizzyfromit.Iwantedtorecord
thatsoundandlistentoitoverandoveragain.

SawyerhadwokenupfeelingsinsideofmeIneverthoughtI’dfeelagainanditwas

likeoncesheopenedthebottlethelidcouldneverbeputbackon.Becausemydesirefor
Sawyer,myloveforher,wasthestrongestthingI’deverfelt.Eachtimewecametogether
wasbetterthanthelast.EachtimeitfusedustogethermoreandmoreandIknewbynow
thatourfuturewasthekindthatonlyendedinforever.

Our eyes met as I found my rhythm. Each time I pushed in she’d buck against me,

pullingmeindeeperanddeeperuntilIcouldn’thelpbuttopoundharderuntiltherewas
no discernible rhythm. Just pleasure and moans and the slapping of skin against skin.
WhenIfeltherclencharoundmycock,myvisionwentwhite.Thepleasureshotupmy
spineandwhenshecriedoutandcontractedaroundmeoverandoveragain,shemilked
everylastdropofcumfrommypulsingcock.

Alongwitheverylasteverylastdropoflovefrommyheart.

Ilaidthere,withmygirlsleepinginmyarmsbutIcouldn’tenjoythemoment.Mygut

toldmethatsoonwe’dbothbewishingthatourtemporaryreprievefromrealitywasalot
morepermanent.

CHAPTER4

FINN

HEN

WOKE

THE

MORNING

REACHED

FOR

AWYER

BUT

THE

ONLY

THING

MET

wasmattress.Isatupinbedandwasmetwiththesmellofbacon.Imademywayoutof
theroomtothesmallkitcheninherlittlehouseandwastakenabackbythebuffetthatwas
waiting for me on the counter. Along with the bacon were scrambled eggs, toast, juice,
coffee,andhashbrowns.

Mystomachgrowled.

What surprised me more was Sawyer who still hadn’t noticed my presence. I stood

thereforafewmoments.Watchingher.Observing.Notonlywasshecookingupastorm,
flittingfromonecabinettotheothertogetwhatsheneeded,shewasalsohummingalong
tothesongontheradio.

This wasn’t the same girl from last night. I was confused and felt on edge watching

thisnewSawyerprancearoundthekitchen.

“What’sallthis?”Iasked.

Sheturnedaroundandalmostdroppedaplatebutrecoveredquicklybeforesettingit

down on the counter. “You startled me,” she said with a big beaming smile and I knew
rightawaythatsomethingwasamiss.“IthoughtIwassupposedtobetheonewhodidn’t
knowthings.Thisisbreakfastofcourse.”

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” I said, coming up behind her and wrapping my arms

around her. I planted a kiss on her head before releasing her. “And I can see this is
breakfast, but I was talking more about the humming and cooking and your overall
demeanor,notthefood.”Igrabbedapieceofcrispybaconandtookabite,myeyesalmost
rolledbackinmyheadwiththesaltygoodness.

“I like this song. The singer’s name is Beyoncé. Have you heard of her?” Sawyer

asked.ShepronouncedBeyoncé(Bee-Yon-Chee)andIcouldn’thelpbutsmile.

“I think I might have heard of her once or twice,” I answered, taking a seat at the

counter.“ButwhatImeantwas,lastnight,youwereprettyupset,andnow?”Igesturedto
thecounterandtotheradio.

Shesmiledbutitwasaforcedsmilethatbarelymorethanalineonherface.“Nothing.

I’mgoingtowork,”shesaidwithashrug.Andthat’swhenIsawit.Thevoidinhereyes.
Thevacantspacewheresomuchlifeusedtolive.Itwaslikeshewasrunningonidle.

“Work?”Iasked.Ishookmyhead.“Nottoday.TodayyouneedtogotalktoCritter

aboutyourmom.Maybe,goseeher.”

Sawyeravertedhereyesshookherhead.Shesetapaninthesinkandturnedoffthe

faucet.“No.Notyet.Nottoday.”

“Say,youcan’tjustgoaboutyourdayasiflastnightneverhappened.It’salottotake

in.Ithinkyoucantakethedayoff.”

ShelookedatmeasifIweretheoneactingstrangely.“Rightnow,I’dratherfocuson

this.Breakfast.Beinghappy.”Shelookedatme.“Withyou.”

Ileanedinandpressedakisstoherlips.“Ilovethatyouwanttobehappywithme

becausefuckallknowsthat’sallIwantintheworld.ButIknowhowitgoeswhenyou
pushthatshitdowndeepinsideinsteadoflettingitoutandyouknowwhathappens?”

“You wind up living with the crazy girl from a religious sect in the middle of the

swamp?”sheasked,pressingakisstomyjaw.

“Cute.Butseriously,backup,‘causethatshitdon’twork.Trustme.GotalktoCritter.

To your mother,” I said, feeling more than just a little uneasy about her playful attitude
whenjustlastnightshewasabouttolosehershit.“Youcan’tjustignorethis,Say.”

“Sure,” she said, planting another kiss on my lips. She grabbed her bag and slung it

overhershoulder.“Justnotyet.”

“You’reinfuriating.Hangon,atleastletmedriveyou,”Ioffered,grabbingmyt-shirt

fromthechairandtossingitonovermyhead.

“That’sokay.Stay.Eat.Icanwalk.Besides,ItoldJoshI’dstopbyherplacebeforemy

shift.”

“Just as a reminder we still don’t know if it’s safe,” I said, pulling on my shirt and

grabbingmykeys.“Untilthenyou’renotwalkinganywherealone.”

“It’snotabigdeal,”shesaid,reachingforthedoor.“Youdon’thavetowalkme.Ican

takecareofmyself.”

“Yes.” I stood in her path. “But you don’t have to. You’re not going anywhere. Not

alone.ImeantitwhenItoldyouthatIcan’tloseyou.”Thefearraginginsideofmewas
sorealitwasalmosttangible.IfonlyshecouldfeelafractionofwhatIwasfeelingshe’d
understandthereasonformydemands.

It’sonlybecauseI’mterrifiedoflosingyou.

“You’renotmymother,Finn,”shesaidwithavacantexpressiononherbeautifulface

thatmademewanttopunchaholethroughthewall.

“No. I’m not.” I leaned against the wall, crossing my legs at the ankles. I shrugged.

“Whydon’tyougotalktoher?”

“Cute,”shesaid,throwingmyearlierwordbackatme.

“I’m serious, Say. There are still things you need to know. Things up until this

morningIthoughtyou’dalwayswantedtoknow.Likewhyyourmotherownedlandhere.
Likewhy…”

“LikewhyCritterismarriedtoher?”

“Letmeguess,becauseit’snotyourstorytotell?”

“B-I-N-G-O.”

Sawyer scrunched up her face in confusion and I took that to mean she didn’t

understand my reference. “I mean, you’re right. It’s not my story to tell. And FYI,
emotionalrobotposition?It’snotforyou.Whydon’tyoubringmygirlback?”

Shesighed.“Whatifit’salltoomuch?”sheasked,herlowerlipquivering.Asmuch

as I hated to see her upset I was glad to see some emotion from her. “What if I can’t
handlewhatIlearn.WhatiftheytellmesomethingIcan’tunhear?Somethingthatwill
followmearoundfortherestofmylife?Idon’tknowifIcanhandlethat.”

I kissed the top of her head. “She’s your mother. You thought she’d abandoned you

and she didn’t. She’s here now. She’s alive. Most people don’t get second chances like
this.Peopledon’tcomebackfromthedeadbutshedid.Don’tyouthinkyouoweittoher
tohearherout?TohearCritterout?”

Shenoddedagainstmychestbuthershouldersremainedstiff.Shewasscaredandshe

hadeveryrighttobe,butIneededhertoknowshewasn’tgoingtogothroughthisalone.

“Say,”Isaid,pullingawaysoIcouldlookinhereyes.“Youhaveme.Don’tyouknow

by now that I’d do anything for you? When the world gets heavy on your shoulders I’ll
carrytheweightforyou.I’llbethere.I’mnotgoinganywhere.Notnow.Notever.”

Sawyer’s lips turned upward in a smile. It was small but at least it was real. She

sniffled.“Takemetoher.”

I sighed in relief but it wasn’t a full breath. While Richard was still out there and

SawyerandhermomwerehereI’dneverbeabletofullyrelax.Ipulledherbackagainst
me and rested my chin on top of her head. I wasn’t lying when I told her I’d carry the
weightoftheworldonmyshouldersforher.

WhatIdidn’tmentionwasthepossibilityitmightcrushusboth.

CHAPTER5

SAWYER

RITTER

’

HOUSE

WAS

RED

RANCH

STYLE

HOME

WITH

BEIGE

STUCCO

EXTERIOR

AND

blackshuttersencasingthetwosmallfrontwindows.Ididn’tknowwhattoexpectofhis
house,butwhatIdidn’texpectwasforittobesittinginafieldofsunflowers.

Itouchedthesunflowerpendanthangingfrommyneck.Theonemymotherhadleft

formeintheboxbeneathmybed.

IremainedinthecarasFinngotoutandopenedmydoor.“Areyouready?”heasked

me,helpingmedownandsqueezingmyhandtightly.

“Idon’tthinkI’lleverbe,”Ianswered.FinnledmeuptothefrontporchwhereCritter

was sitting on one of two wicker rocking chairs. He didn’t waste any time. “Sawyer, I
understandyou’reconfused,butremember,soisshe.Yourmotherhasgotsomemoments
ofclarity.Sometimestheylastminutesandsometimeshours.Mostofthetimeshethinks
it’stwenty-twoyearsago.”

“I’mnotgoingtoupsether,”Ipromised.“Atleast,I’lltrynotto.”

CritternoddedtomeandIturnedtoFinn.“IthinkIneedtodothisalone,”Isaid.

“I’ll be right out here waiting,” he said, kissing my knuckles before releasing me.

Critteropenedthescreendoorforme.“Lastdoorattheendofthehall.”

Myeyesadjustedtothedarknessinsidethecozyhomewithplushcarpetandamillion

pictureframesonthewall.Itremindedmeofahomierversionofthebar.

WhenIgottotheroomattheendofthehallIhalfexpectedmymothertobelyingin

bed but instead she was sitting on a rocking chair in the corner, knitting. Her nurse,
Maddy,wassittingonanotherchairnearbyflippingthroughamagazine.Maddyliftedher
headwhenshesawmeandgavemeawarninglook.

“Crittersaiditwasokay,”Itoldher.

She looked to my mother and then back to me. “Caroline, you’ve got a visitor,” she

said loudly yet sweetly. “Best way not to upset her is don’t correct her if she says
somethingthatdoesn’tsoundrightanddon’tremindherofwhoyouarebecausechances
are, with how she’s doing right now, she’s not gonna know.” With that Maddy left the
roomandclosedthedoorbehindher.

“Hello, there, dear. What’s your name?” My mother asked when she noticed me

standingattheendofthebed.Shesetherknittingdown.Atangleofbabypinkyarnwith

no decipherable pattern. Her blonde hair was wet and neatly combed back. She wore a
pinkfluffybathrobeoverpinkandwhitestripedpajamas,completewithfuzzyslippers.It
was the most color I’d ever seen her wear besides the yellow tank top in the picture I’d
foundintheboxshe’dleftforme.Shelookedhealthy.Heavier.

StrongerthanI’dseeninyears.

Physicallyanyway.

“Hi,” I said, feeling odd not knowing how to introduce myself to my own mother. I

searchedherfaceforanysignsofrecognition.

Nothing.

Iignoredthegrowingpitinmystomachandacheinmyheart.

“I’m…Sawyer.”

She set her knitting down on her lap. “You must be the neighbor Critter was talking

about.Thenewonewiththelittleboywhokeepsstealingallofthesunflowers.It’sniceto
finallymeetyou.”

“Nicetomeetyoutoo,”Isaid,sittingdownontheedgeofthebedwherethenursehad

been.“AndI’msorryabouthimstealingyourflowers.”

“Oh, that’s alright. We will find out how mischievous children can be soon enough.

Sorry I can’t fetch you something to drink. Critter has been real insistent that I stay put
sincethemorningsicknesshasreallybeengettingtome.”

“Morningsickness?”Iasked.“You’repregnant?”

Mymotherremovedtheknittingandsmoothedherhandoverherflatstomachlikeit

was rounded instead of indented. “Yes, six months along now and the sick feeling still
hasn’tsubsided.SometimesIthinkmydaughterwillbeoutintotheworldandfullgrown
bythetimeitgoesaway.”

“I’msorryyouaren’tfeelingwell,”Isaid,“ButI’msureCritteristakinggoodcareof

you.”

“ThatmanwouldlassothemoonifIaskedhimto.That’swhyImarriedhim.”

“Married?”Iasked.

“Yep,rightbeforewefoundoutwewerehavingababy.Itwaslow-key,justusinthe

sunflower field with a justice of the peace from the county office. I don’t have a lot of
family and neither does Critter. It was more special that way. Although, it won’t be that
wayforlong.”Mymotherwasbeamingassherockedandcontinuedtoknit.

“So,tellme,howdidyoutwomeet?”Iaskedcasually,tryingtoseemlikeacurious

neighbor.

“Well,itwasloveatfirstsight.Iwas…”shescrunchedherfaceandshookherhead

likeshewasshakingoffabadmemory.“Youdon’twanttohearallthisfromme,doyou?
It’skindofalongstory.”

“Ido.Ireallydo.”Iurgedheron,tryingnottoshowthenervousnesswreakinghavoc

onmyheart.

IwasfinallygoingtohearthestoryI’dwaitedsolongfor.Partofmewantedtoturn

andrun.Anotherpartofmewouldn’tmoveifabulldozercamethroughthewall.

“From the beginning if you’d like,” I offered. “The very beginning. Your beginning.

I’ve got plenty of time.” I looked at my naked wrist like I was checking the time on a
watch when I’d never even owned one. I slid to the floor and brought my knees to my
chestwithmybackagainstthebedandtriednottotapmytoeonthecarpetalthoughit
waspracticallytinglingtodojustthat.

Mymotherlookedoutthewindowassherecalledherstory.“Well,Iwasbornarebel,

refusingtocomeoutintotheworldforafullthreedays.”Sheshookherhead.“Mypoor
mother.IgrewupinareligioushouseholdandwhenmyparentsbothdiedIwaspassedon
tothechurchelderstoraisesinceIwasonlyfifteenwhentheypassed.”

“I’msorry,”Ioffered,myguttwistingatthenewsofmygrandparentsthatshe’dnever

spokenabout.

“No worries. It was a long time ago. But it was only then I realized that my parents

wereuniquemembersofthechurch.Inourhouse,wedidn’thavetoloweroureyesand
we could speak whenever we felt like we had something to say, but that wasn’t the
standard.Farfromit.ItwasaseverewaytogrowupandIneverembracedit.”

NeitherdidI.

“Every day when I woke up I saw the light fading from my eyes as more and more

ruleswerepusheddownmythroat.BythetimetheyinformedmethatIwastobemarried
to this man of the church. Richard was his name. She cringed. “I’d all but given up. I
didn’t know life outside the church and didn’t think I could make it on my own. I had
hopedthatmaybeRichardwouldbemorelikemyparents.Itonlytookmeetinghimafew
timesfortorealizehewasperhapstheworstofthemall.Hetreatedmelikeadogonthe
leashandalwaysmadesurethecollarallowedmetobreathbutalwaysremindedmethat
justonepullinthewrongdirectionandI’dbechoking.”

Iwascryinginsideformymotherbuttriedtoremainimpassiveontheoutside.

Itwasn’teasy.

“One weekend, my guardians brought me along to a tent revival service to help. We

stayedinalittlemotelandI’dgoforwalksaroundthetownwheneverIcouldsneakaway
foranhourorso.OnedayIsawatruckandcamperforsaleinajunkyardandsomething
came over me. An idea I couldn’t shake.” My mother took up her knitting and placed it
backdownagain.

Shecontinued.“OnthedayImarriedRichard,Istoleagoldcrucifixthatbelongedto

RichardandIbroughtittothejunkyard.Itradeditandmyweddingringforthecamper
andthetruck.Ididn’tmakeitfarbeforethetruckbrokedownonthesideoftheroad.Igot
out and walked to find help and made sure to walk in the opposite direction of the
fairgrounds because although the freedom I’d tasted was only a few miles from the
fairgroundsIknewI’dneverbegoingback.Andthatwalkinthemiddleofthenightall
bymyself?Itwasglorious.Myfirsttasteofactualfreedom.Thesoundsoftheswampat

night.”Sheclosedhereyeslikeshecouldstillhearit.Thensheinhaleddeeplythroughher
nose.“ThesmellofsaltywaterandtheSulphur.”Sheopenedhereyesagain.“Bythetime
I realized I was lost I didn’t care if anyone ever found me ever again. I fell down an
embankmentandgotstuckonthistinystripofmuddylandbutitwastoosteeptoclimb
my way back up to the top. As the water rose I thought for sure that I was going to die
there.”

“Whatdidyoudo?”Iasked,leaningforward.

Sheshruggedandtookupherknittingagain.“TherewasnothingIcoulddo.Andthere

wassomethingso…freeingabouttheexperiencethatIsatdowninthemudandI…Ijust
startedtolaugh.Andthat’swhenCritterfoundme.Sittinginthemud,thewaterrisingall
around me, when he zipped by on his little boat and did a double take. He stopped and
pulled me out. I was covered in mosquito bites, mud from head to toe, and soaking wet
anddoyouknowwhatthatmandid?”sheaskedwithalovingsmile.

“No.Whatdidhedo?”Iasked,leaningforward.

Shesmiledinawaythattoldmeshecouldn’tbelieveitherself.“Hestartedtolaugh

rightalongwithme.ThemanhadnoideawhyIwaslaughing,butjoinedrightonin.He
tookmebacktohisbarandwhileIcleanedmeupandchangedmyclotheshewentand
towedthetruckandcamperbacktothebar.WhenIwalkedoutallcleanedandmudfree
helookedupatmeandI’llneverforgetwhathesaid.”

“What?Whatdidhesay?”Iasked.

“Helookedupandsaid,it’syou. Like he’d been waiting for me his entire life.” She

looked out the window to where Critter was sitting on the porch, rocking in the chair,
fiddlingwithsomethingonhislap.“Andthen,beforethecoffeewasreadyinthemorning,
we’dfallenmadlyanddeeplyinlove.”

“That’sabeautifulstory,”Isaid,anditreallywas.“WhataboutthisRichardguy?”I

lookedtothewallsandtothefloorthenbackagain.Anywherebutatmymother.“Was…
ishethefatherofyourbaby?”

Mymothershookherhead.“No,goshno.Ileftbeforeourweddingnighttookplace.

Itluckilynevergotthatfar.Thisbigbabygirlrighthere,”shepattedherbelly,“oratleast
Ithinkshe’sashe,isonehundredpercentCritter.”

Onehundredpercent…Critter.

“Yousaidyoutwoaremarried?YouandCritterImean?”

“I sure am,” she answered, humming and knitting once again. “The marriage to

Richardwasonlyachurchceremony.Nopaperworksoitwasn’tlegalintheeyesofthe
state.Luckilyforme,thechurchabidedbygod’slaw,butnotman’s.Then,Iwasfreeto
marryCritter.”

She’slegallymarriedtoCritter.

My mother looked as if she was about to say something but she stopped before the

wordscameout.Sheturnedherheadfromonesidetotheotherlikeshewasseeingmefor
the first time. There was a clarity in her eyes that wasn’t there earlier, along with

somethingelse.

Recognition.

Mystomachflipped.Myhearthammeredinmyears.

“Sawyer?”sheaskedinawhisper,blinkingrapidly.“Isthatyou?”

“Yes,mother.It’sme,”IsaidasgentlyasIcould,keepingmyexpressionasevenas

possible. I hadn’t even realized I was crawling across the carpet toward her until I was
kneelingbeforeher,staringupintofamiliarlovingeyes.

“Mybabygirl.Itreallyisyou,”shesaid,droppingfromthechairtoherkneesinfront

of me. She pulled me in for a hug and I couldn’t stop the tears once they started and
neithercouldmymother.Wesatthere,huggingandcryingintoeachother’sarms.“You’re
alive.HetoldmeyouwerebutIdidn’tbelievehim.Ineededtoseeyou.Youmadeitout.
I’m sorry,” she said into my hair, peppering kisses along my frizzy head. “I’m sorry for
everything.”

“I made it out mom. Because of you. Because of your letter and the box and your

instructions.Yousentmehere.Yougotmeout,”Itoldher.AsIspokeIfeltsomeofthe
resentmentIhadbeenfeelingtowardherstarttodissipate.

“I’msorryIdidn’ttellyou,”shecried.“Icouldn’t.Ineededtokeepyousafe.Forgive

mesweetgirl.IdidwhatIthoughtwasbestbutImadeamessofeverything.Ihaveso
muchtotellyou,”Isaid,sobbingagainsther.“Thereismoreyouneedtoknow.”

“Youdon’thavetotellmeallofitnow,”Irepliedagainsthershoulderasshesqueezed

me repeatedly as if she needed a constant reminder that I was really there as much as I
neededone.

Afterafewmoments,mother’sarmsstiffenedandbeforeshepulledbackIknewour

timetogetherhadpassed.Whenshelookedmeoveragaintheglassinessinhereyeswas
back.“Ibettergetoffthefloor.Critterdoesn’twantmetostrainmyselfinmycondition.
Saysit’snotgoodforthebaby.”Shestoodupandsatbackdownonherchair,pickingup
herknittingonceagain.Thehalf-driedtearstainsonhercheeksweretheonlyevidenceof
ourstolenreunion.

I stood up to leave when Maddy came into the room and gave me a stern nod. “I

shouldgo.Thanksforhavingme,andthanksfortellingmethestoryofhowyoumetyour
husband.”

She smiled at me sweetly. “That’s no bother at all. I love telling that story. Half the

peopleinthistownaretiredofitalready.Thanksforcomingtovisit.Makesuretocome
by again,” she said. “Maybe Sunday? On Sundays, I make my famous peach pie. It’s
Critter’sfavorite.”

Iwipedmywetfacewiththeheelofmyhand.“I’dlikethatverymuch,ifyou’resure

it’salrightwithyou.”

“Ofcourse.I’dlovethat.SeeyouSunday,”shesaidcheerily.“Anddon’tworryabout

that adorable little boy of yours. Finn is welcome to come take sunflowers whenever he
wouldlike.We’vegotplenty.”

Finn.

IgaveherasmallfarewellwavethenwaiteduntilIwasdownthehallalmosttothe

front door before I whispered. “Bye, Mom.” I didn’t know how I’d feel seeing her that
way,butasIwatchedherslipbackintoaplacewhereIneverexistedIneverexpectedfor
ittofeelasifshehaddiedalloveragain.

RAN

intoFinn’sarmsthesecondIwasbackontheporch.Iburiedmyfaceintothesoft

cottonofhist-shirtanddidn’tpullawayuntilIheardCritter’svoice.

“Sawyer?”

IturnedaroundtofaceCritterwhostoodfromhisrockingchairwithaknowinglook

etchedinthelinesofhisface.

Thefaceofmyfather.

Westoodthere,staringatoneanotherforwhatfeltlikeaneternity.

“Critter?”Iasked,asifIwereseeinghimforthefirsttime.

He rocked forward slightly on the balls of his feet, he folded his hands behind his

back. For such a tall strong man my heart lurched at how vulnerable he appeared. “We
heardyouintherewithher,”Finnsaidfrombehindme.

Critternodded.“Youdidgood,kid.Butifyoudon’tmind,I’d…whyisthissofucking

hard,”hegrumbled.Hetookadeepbreath.“I’dlikeforyoutocallme,Dad.”hisvoice
crackedonthelastword.

My heart burst open, unleashing a powerful flood of emotions along with

uncontrollabletears.Ifelltomyknees.BeforeIknewit,Critterhadclosedthedistance
between us and lifted me up off my knees, pulling me into his strong arms against his
chest.Hesmelledlikecigarsmokeandcologne.That’swhatmydadsmelledlikeandI’d
rememberitforever.

I was sobbing so hard it prevented me from speaking, but Critter watched me as I

lookedupandmouthedthewords,“Hi,Dad.”

Heliftedmeup,swayingmebackandforthasmyfeetdangledofftheporch.“Hey,

kid.”Mytearssoakedthroughhisshirtaswesqueezedeachothertightlyandhepeppered
kissesonthetopofmyhead.“Welcomehome,kiddo.”Hesaidonachokedsob.“Finally.
Welcomefuckinghome.”

Westayedthatwayforalongtime,stucktogether,reunited.Fatheranddaughter.

Andwecried.

Wecriedbecausewebothfinallyknewthetruth.Wecriedforthetimelostbetween

us. And although neither one of us said it out loud, I knew that somewhere in the time
betweenthosefirsttearsfallingandthesunsinkingdeepintothehorizon,wewereboth
cryingforher.

AWYER

Thesunhadjustsettleddownforthenight.Thestarlitteredblackskyhadofficially

takenitsturnguardingtheearth.

Finn, Critter and I were still sitting on Critter’s front porch. Critter and Finn were

sippingbeers.Isettledforanicedteaafterdecidingthatbeerwasanacquiredtaste,andI
hadn’tyethadthetimetoacquireit.

“Doyou…doyouneedmetohelptakecareofher?”IaskedCritter.“Mymother.It

isn’tfairforyouhavetodoitallalone.”

Heshookhisheadandtookasipofhisbeer.“Listen,kiddo,you’vespentyourentire

lifelookingafteryourmother.You’vedoneagoodjob.Youdidmorethanmostwouldin
your situation. Hell, you stayed when most would’ve cut bait and got out.” He leaned
forwardonhiselbows.“Howaboutyoustepasideandletmedoitforonce?Besides,I’ve
missedoutontakingcareofthatwomanfortwodecades.I’vegotalottomakeupfor.”

“I haven’t asked you how you’re holding up during all of this. So, how are you

holdingup?”

“I’mhanginginthere.She’sbackbutshe’snotcompletelyback.It’sgoingtotakea

little while to set her to rights again but I won’t stop until my sunflower is back to one
hundredpercent.”

“Are you the one who gave her this pendent?” I asked, holding up the sunflower

hangingfromthechainonmyneck.

“Yeah,”hesaid,lookingwistfullyovertothesunflowerfieldwherethesunhadjust

started to set below the tops of the tall flower, backlighting them and giving them a
beautiful haunting glow. “I proposed to your mama in that field. We fell in love in that
field.We…well,somethingsarebetterleftunsaid.”

Ilaughedandsippedmytea.

“There are things about my past you should know,” Critter said. Things I don’t talk

about openly. But you’re my daughter and you should know these kinds of things about
youroldman.AboutwhoIamandwhatI’vedoneinmypast.”

“Likewhat?”Iaskedhesitantly,chewingnervouslyontheinsideofmycheek.

“Ihaven’talwaysbeenthebestmodelcitizenofthistown.I’vedonethings.Alotof

things. Some of them bad, really bad. Spent a few years in state prison back in my
twenties.”

“So,youfellintothebadcrowdinyouryouth?”Isuggested.

Critter shook his head and looked at me from over his beer bottle. “No, I was the

personpeoplefellinto.Iwasthebadcrowdoratleast,Iranthebadcrowd.”

“Doesmymotherknow?”Iasked.

“Your mother knows everything about me.” Critter chuckled. “Every ugly and dirty

detail.Andshelovesmedespiteofitandsometimesbecauseofit.”

“Ifitdidn’tmattertoherthenitdidn’tmattertome.”

“I don’t understand why she’s like this now when she wasn’t this way before,” Finn

chimedin.

Crittershookhishead.“Theshrinkherethinksshe’sbeenholdingsomuchaboveher

headandovertheyearstheweightofitgrewheavierandheavier.Whenwegotherback
here and she knew you were okay it was like her knees buckled and it finally all came
crashingdownaroundher.”

“Doyouthinkshe’lleverbebackto…normal?Whateverthatmightbe?”

“Normal,” Critter chuckled at the word. “And as for your mother, she’s a force

strongerthananydamnhurricaneI’veeverencountered.Shejustneedsalittlerest.Alittle
time. There is only so much one body and mind can process. She’ll come back to us
eventually.I’mcertainofit.”

“CanIaskyousomething?”

Critternodded.

“Shewasgonefortwodecades.Whydidn’tyoueverremarryorhavekids?”

Crittersighedandlookedtohishandsforamomentbeforeanswering.“Becausethe

kindofloveyourmotherandIhaveisnotthekindyoucanrecoverfrom.It’snotacold.
It’s not temporary. It’s the kind that becomes a part of yourself. Like the blood in your
veins.Gettingoveryourmotherjustwasn’tpossible.

“Youreallydoloveher,”Ilamented.

“Yes,witheverythingIhaveandmore.Andyou,”Critteradded,withwateryeyes.“I

can’tmakeupforyearsofnotbeingyourdad,butI’dsureliketotry,kiddo.”

Kiddo.IlovedeveryendearmentCritterswungmyway.Theymademefeelspecial.

Safe.

LOVED.

Richard had never called me anything other than Sawyer. Or girl. Like it was a bad

word.

“IthinkI’dlikethat.”

“You need to know that I never believed she left me willingly. Not once. You just

don’t up and walk away from what we had. Not possible. I looked for you two every
damneddayaftersheleftmethatnote.Everyfuckingday.And,whenIcouldn’tfindyouI
thoughtyouweredead.”

“Why?”

“BecauseIneverthoughthe’dletyourmotheroryoulivewhenhefoundoutshewas

pregnantwithyou,”Crittersaid,tighteninghisgriparoundhisbeerbottle.

“Heprobablywouldhave,”Iagreed.“Butasitturnsout,Iwastheperfectleverageto

holdoverherhead.”

“I didn’t know you were alive until a few months ago when this arrived,” Critter

reachedintohisbackpocketandhandedmeanenvelopewithnoreturnaddress.“I’lllet

hertellyouwhathappened.”

I took the letter from the envelope and although I knew she was inside the house I

heardhervoiceinmyheadreadingthelettertomeasifshewerestillaghost.

C-

I’mriskingeverythingbysendingthis,butIhavetobecauseIdon’thavemuchtime

left.It’stoolateforme,butit’snottoolatetosaveourdaughter.

Helpherbeforeit’stoolateforheraswell.

Iloveyou.Alwayshave.Alwayswill.

Foreveryoursunflower,

-Caroline

EARS

WERE

STREAMING

down my face. I looked from the letter back to Critter. “I still

don’tunderstandwhyshedidn’tstay.Shecouldhavefoughthimofforescapedandcome
backtoyou.Insteadshestayedwithhim.For…overtwentyyears.Why?”

Critterhelduphishand.“Richardthreatenedherwiththedeathofherchild.You.With

killingme.Hetoldherifshetriedtoescapehewouldn’tstopuntilshewatchedusboth
dieinfrontofher.Iknowwhatyoumightbethinkingbutyourmotherwasn’tnocoward.
Shedidwhatshehadtodoandshestayedbecauseshethoughtthatwasthebestwayto
keepusbothalive.She’snotacoward.Notevenclose.Thatwomanwadedthroughthe
waters of hell with the devil himself to keep us safe.” Critter shifted in his chair. He
glancedupatthehouse.

“She’sthebravestwomaninentiredamnedworld.”

INN

PLACED

his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. I loved how he always

seemedtoknowwhenIneededtobereassuredandatthatmomentIneededitmorethan
ever.I’dbeenwrong.Mygutandmyheadandmyhearthadallthoughttheworst.

I’dbeenwrong.

Soveryverywrong.

“Inever…wow,”Isaid,instantlyfeelinghurtandshameateversuggestingmymother

wasselfish.

“There are only two things I regret in this life. Not finding you two, getting to you

soonerisoneofthosethings.”

“What’stheother?”Finnasked,twirlinghisbeeraroundinhishand.

Critterdidn’thesitatewhenheglancedupatuswithcoldhatredinhiseyes.

“Notkillingthatsonofabitch,Richard,twenty-twofuckin’yearsago.”

CHAPTER6

FINN

HEN

PHONE

RANG

LEFT

AWYER

AND

RITTER

THE

PORCH

TALK

ANSWER

it.“Hi,Mom.”

“Honey,howareyou?It’sbeendaysandyouhaven’tcalled.”

“Italkedtoyouyesterday,Mom,”Iremindedher.

“Areyousure?Itseemslikelonger.”

“I’msure,”Isaid,smilingintothephone.

“Yousoundalotdifferent.DoesthishaveanythingtodowiththegirlI’veheardall

aboutfromeveryoneinthattownexceptmyownson.”

I looked to where Sawyer was talking with Critter and my heart warmed. “Yeah,

somethinglikethat.”

“FinnHollis,youbringthatgirluphereforavisittheverysecondyougetachance.

We’dcometherebutyourfather’sasthmahasbeenactingup.It’salittletoohumidthis
timeofyear.”

“Stopmakingmesoundlikeanoldman,”myfathergrumbledinthebackground.

“Then stop doing old man things like sucking on your teeth after breakfast,” my

motherscolded.

“Youtwohaven’tchanged,”Isaid.

Mymother’stoneturnedserious.“Finn,wehaven’tseenyouinalongtime.Well,not

since…”Shepausedlikeshewaswaitingforsomething.Areactionofsomesort.

“Youcansayhername,mom.It’sfine.Jackie.HernamewasJackie.”Iwasdownright

proudofhowfarI’dcome.Sayinghernameusedtobringnothingbutpain.Nowitwasa
nameassociatedwithagirlI’doncelovedandlost.

Andthatwasokay.

Sheletoutasighofrelief.“ThankChristhimself.Itwasn’tlongagoyoutreatedher

namelikeaswearword.Abadone.LiketheoneyoucalledyourEnglishteacherinthe
thirdgrade.Whatnine-year-oldcallstheirteacheracu—“

My father interrupted. “Son, are you coming up here or do we have to bribe you?

We’veonlybeenaskingfortwoyearsnow,”mydadyelledtothephone.

Phone calls with my parents used to be stressful. I’d spend every moment trying to

convincethemIwasokaywhenIwasn’t.LatelyIhadn’tevenhadtheurgetohangupand
throwmyphoneintheswamp.

Icrossedmyarms.“Thatdepends.Whathaveyougottobribemewith?”

“Cobblerandyourfavoritefriedchickensandwiches?”Mymotherasked.Mystomach

growled at the thought of my mother’s famous chicken. “And I’ll have Ethan come get
youthenyouwon’thavetodrive.”

“Andyou’llbringthatgirlofyourssowecanmeether?”Sheaskedhopefully.

IlookedtoSawyerandoureyesmet.Shesmiled.

“Definitely.”

CHAPTER7

SAWYER

VER

SINCE

RITTER

AND

HAD

SPOKEN

FEW

DAYS

AGO

FELT

BETTER

. L

IGHTER

. B

the lingering dread over an uncertain future was starting to weigh on me. I felt drained.
Myeyesweretiredaswasmymind.Thethoughtthatlingeredwithmethemost,theone
thatwhisperedthroughmyearslikeanunseenmistwasthatRichardwasstilloutthere.
Therewasapossibilityhe’dcomeforme.Afterall,I’dstolenfromhimandhehatedme
becauseheblamedmeformymother’sdeath.Anyothermanintheworldwouldhaveno
reasontocomefindme,butRichardDixonwasn’tanyotherman.Iknewsoonerorlater
he’dcome.I’dalwaysknownthat.Butonethinghadchanged.

Mom.

IfRichardcameformeandfoundherinstead…Ihatedtothinkofwhatwouldhappen.

MaybeifweleftOutskirts,justforalittlewhile,justuntilthetentservicepackedupand
left,thenwecouldkeephimfromdiscoveringshewasalive.

I was about to voice the idea to Finn when he sat down beside me on the dock and

distractedmewithhisbarechestandripplingmuscles.Whenhesmiledatmemystomach
andsomethingabitlowerdidalittleflipofhappiness.

“What’s that look on your face? Not a good book?” He asked, pointing to the book

openonmylap.

MODERNRELIGIONSFORAMODERNWORLD

Book?

“Oh. Yeah. It’s not that it’s not good. It’s that I don’t think it’s really what I was

lookingfor,”Isaid,staringdownatthetitleofthechapterandreadingitagainincaseI’d
readitwrongthefirsttimearound.

Nope.I’dreaditright.

“What?”Finnasked,leaningovertoglanceatwhatI’dbeenreading.Ibreathedinhis

freshscentandleanedbackintohimeversoslightlytobetterfeelthewarmthofhischest
throughmythintanktop.

I scanned the article quickly and gave him the stand out points. “There is a religion

calledChurchoftheFlyingSpaghettiMonster.Thebasisforitisthatthefollowersofthis
religion believe a being they call the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the world and
everything in it. It’s literally flying pasta and meatballs,” I said, pointing to the picture

belowthecaption.Iclosedthebookandsetittotheside,shakingmyheadindisbelief.

“Howisthatanystrangerthanbelievingthatamanwalkedonwaterorrosefromthe

dead?”Finnasked,leaningbackonhishands.“Orthatcowsaresacredanimals?Orthat
there are people who keep a piece of toast for decades because they swear they can see
JesusChrist’stheimageofJesusChristburnedintoitbythetoaster.”

“Well, now that you put it that way, Flying Spaghetti Monsters don’t seem all that

strange.”Irepliedplayfully.

Finngrabbedmyhand.“Thatmakessense,butthethingis,thisallmayseemcrazyto

usbuttoalotofpeopleitbringsthempeace,makesthemfeelwhole.Givesthempurpose.
It’s not up to anyone to decide what’s crazy and what’s not. If it makes someone feel
wholethenmorepowertothem.”

“Whatreligiondidyougrowupin?”IaskedrealizingIhadnoideaifFinn’sfamily

werepeopleoffaithornot.

Finngrimaced.“Uh,thekindthatgoestochurchonEasterandChristmasbutonlyif

theparkinglotwasn’ttoofullandwedidn’thavetoparkinthemudacrossthestreet.”He
satupandpushedmyhairoffmyshoulder,tracingmycollarbonewithhisfinger.“What’s
reallygoingonwiththereligiousstuff,Say?Youwanttotalkaboutit?”

Idecidedtogowiththetruthsinceanythingelsewouldsoundevenmorestrange.“I

don’tknowwhattobelieveanymore.It’sscarynothavingafaith,butfreeingatthesame
time. It’s like I’ve got this chance to live my life on my own terms and by knowing all
thereistoknowIwon’tfeellikethereisasmallpieceofmemissing,”Iconfessed.“I’m
notahundredpercentsure,though.Maybe,IthoughtthatifIreadmore—studiedupon
the religions of the world, then suddenly everything would make sense to me. But it
doesn’t.Noneofthemactuallymakeanysensetomeatall.”

“Thepeopleofthosereligionsthinktheymakeperfectsense,”hecountered.

“Yes,that’sthething.Theyallhavefaithinwhattheybelieveandtheyallthinkthey

arerightandtheycallitfaith.Iknowaboutfaith.Thedictionarycallsitconfidenceand
belief in something based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof. But with all the
religionsoutthereintheworld,someofthemmustbewrong.AmIright?Imean,ifthere
isoneabsolutethanmostofthemhavetobewrong.”

Finnshruggedandrestedhisstubblychinonmybareshoulder.“Butwhatifthey’reall

right?”hekissedthespacebetweenmyneckandshoulderandIrelaxedintohistouch.

Ismiled.“ThenmaytheSpaghettiMonsterblessusall.”

Finnchuckledbeforehissmilefadedandhistoneturnedmoreserious.“Doyoumiss

it?Atleast,partsofit?Yourpast,Imean?”

“No!”IsaidwithalotmoreforcethanIintended.“Imean,Ifeltlikeanoutsiderinthe

churchbecauseIwasone.Icouldn’tfallinlineandjustblindlybelieve.Andouthere,as
muchasIloveit,Istillfeellikeanoutsider.EverytimeMillerbringsupaTVshowora
referencetosomethingIdon’tunderstandit’sjustareminderthatIdidn’tcomefromthis
world,”Iexplained.

Finnremainedquietforamoment,staringattheground.

“What?”Iasked,wonderingwhatwasonhismind.

Heblinkedandlookedbackupatme.“Justhadanidea…”

“And…”

He waved it off. “I’ll tell you later. In the meantime, please don’t base anything on

Millerorwhathesays.HeoncecalledinsicktoworktowatchthreedaysofarealityTV
showaboutwivesinMississippi.”Helacedhisfingerswithmine.Ilovedhowlargehis
handwascomparedtomine.Histannedagainstmypale.

“I just…I want to know things,” I said. “Arm myself with knowledge. Figure out

where it all came from and make my own decision about what I want to believe. If
anything.”

Finnnoddedandtherewasanotherlookonhisface.Pride?“Ithinkthat’sagreatidea.

ResearchitallandletmeknowwhentheFlyingPastaMonsterservicestarts.”Heplanted
aquickkissonmylips.

“FlyingSpaghettiMonster,”Icorrected.

“That’ssospecific.”Finnchuckled,pullingmeupontohislap.

“I was thinking of writing it all down in like a diary or journaling. That way I can

remembereverythingIlearnandmakenotes.”

“Whataboutablog?”Finnsuggested.

“Ablog?”Iwrinkledmynose,unfamiliarwiththeterm.

“Yeah,it’slikewritingtoadiaryorajournalexceptyoupostitonlinethatwaymore

people have access to it. They can learn from it as you learn from it. I think you’d be
prettygreatatitandIcanhelpyouputittogetherifyouwant.”

“You’ddothat?Forme?”Iasked,myheartflutteringandmyskinwarmingunderhis

touch.

“Don’tyouknowbynow?”Finnbreathed,hisgazelockedonmine.“I’ddoanything

foryou.”

Myentirebodyshudderedagainsthimashepressedakisstomyneck.Then,everso

slowly,hetracedtheoutsideofmyearwiththetipofhistongue.Everythingwithinme
camealive.“Whatareyoudoing?”Iasked,breathlessly.

“I’mhelping,”heinsisted.“Youwantreligion?”Finnpushedbackalockofmyhair.

“Then I’ll get on my knees and worship you for the rest of my life. You want to save
someone?You’vealreadydoneit.Yousavedme.Youwantheaven?”Hishandskatedup
the back of my skirt. I shivered. His deep voice hummed in my ear. “I’ll take you there
rightnow.”

I ached for him to touch me. To give me more than just his delicious words. “Yes.

Heaven.Please.”Igaspedashehookedhisfingersinsidemypantiesandpulledthemto
theside.

“Sowetforme,”hegroaned.Heunbuckledhisjeansandliftedhishipstopushthem

down.Hesetmeonmybackmakingmebracemyselfontheedgeofthedock.Hedidn’t
takehiseyesoffminewhenhethrustinsideofme,sendingmyspinearchingoffthedock
asaboltofpleasureshotthroughme.

“Fuckthat’ssogood.You’resogood.Everytime.Everyfuckingtime,”Finngroaned.

Ipushedbackagainsthimashetookmequickandhard.Itdidn’ttakemelongforthe

pleasuretoburstinsideofme.Isawstars.AfterafewfuriousstrokesFinnfollowedme
overtheedgeandIrelishedthefeelingofhishotreleasefillingme.

We collapsed on top of the picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Finn rested his

chestagainstmybackwithoutpullingoutofmybody.

“Youknow,I’masinnernow.Probablyevengoingtohell,”Iwhispered,bringinghis

attentiontothebiblemyhandwasstillpressedagainst.

“That’snottrue,”Finnargued,stilltryingtocatchhisbreath.

“Howcanyoubesosure?”

FinnrockedforwardandIwasinstantlyremindedhewasstillinsideofme.“Because,

youfeellikeheaventome.”

“T

ELL

memoreabouthowyougrewup.Tellmehowitwassodifferentfromhere.”Finn

saidashetracedlazycirclesonmybackandovertheglobesofmybuttcheeks.

“Youknowmostofitalready.”Isaid,turningtohim.Wewereinhisbedinthecabin

aftermovinginsidefromthedockandquicklydecidingwewerenowhereneardonewith
oneanother.

“Yes,butIwanttoknoweverything.WhatmakesyouYOU.Goodorbaditmadeyou

whoyouareandI,forone,lovewhoyouare.”

“Youdo?”Iasked,althoughhe’dalreadytoldmeInevergrewtiredofhearingit.With

Finn,Ifeltwarmfromtheinsideout.Myentirebeingreactedtohimfrommynosetomy
toes.Frommyhearttomysoul.

“Ido.Iloveyou.Fiercely.Possessively.Crazily.Always.”

“Thatwasbeautiful.”

“You’rebeautiful,”hesaid,leaningintokissmyshoulder.Hecontinuedtotraceevery

littlefreckleandmoleonmybody.

“Youknow,ifyoukeeptracingthemallthenwearegoingtobehereforawhile,”I

pointedout.

Hisdimpleappearedwithhissmile.“I’mcountingonit.Now.Talk.”

I thought for a moment. I felt vulnerable opening up to him. I’d left out most of the

details about my life although he knew the short version. It was almost as if I were
keepingittomyselfbecauseitwasmycrosstobearandIdidn’twanttoburdenanyone
elsewithit.

“Iguessitwaslikelivinginadifferentuniverse.Onewhereeverydaywasthesame.

Wedidn’tcelebrateholidaysorbirthdays.Ididn’tunderstandifitwasmyhousethatwas
differentbecauseofmyfather’sstrictnessandtemperorifeveryfamilyinthechurchwas
thatway.Everydaywelivedthesamelieoverandoveragain.Theliethatthechurchwas
aboutfamily.Familyaboveallothers.ThemostimportantthingintheworldnexttoGod
himself. And who knows, maybe in other houses, in other families, they were different
behind closed doors. Loving. Kind. Maybe they let the women eat at the same table or
lookthemintheeye.”

Finn’stracingpausedthenstartedagain.

I continued. “Maybe their daughters could speak without having the man of the

house’spermissionfirst.Maybetheydidn’tusephysicalforcetodisciplinethepoordim-
wittedfemaleswhoseonlypurposeinlifewastohaveandraisethebabiesandservetheir
husbands.”

Ishuttered.

“Thatmusthavebeenrough.”

“Igrewnumbtoitafterawhile.ItwastheonlylifeIknew.ThereweredaysthatI’d

sitinmyroomandfeelguiltyforwantingtoleave.Forwantingadifferentlife.Ithought
itwasselfishandthatbynotputtingothersbeforemyselfIwasthebiggestsinnerofthem
all.AndnowIknowhowbraveandselflessshewas.MaybeIwasthebiggestsinnerafter
all.”

Finnlaiddownnexttomefacingsidewayswithhisheadonthepillowandhishandon

mywaist.“Butyoudidputothersbeforeyourself.Youstayed,didn’tyou?Foryourmom?
Shestayedforyouandyoustayedforher.Shewasn’ttheonlybraveone.Youwereboth
brave.Foroneanother.”

“Youthinkso?”

“Say,we’reallselfishinsomeway.It’shumannature.I’mselfishbecauseIclaimed

you before you had a chance to experience this world and find someone better. Think
about it this way. If I wasn’t the selfish prick I am, we wouldn’t even be together.” He
cuppedmyfaceinhishand.“Butitdoesn’tmatter.BecauseI’mneverlettingyougo.”

Finnclimbedoverme,trailingkissesdownmybodypastmybellybuttonthenlower

andlowerstill.Theentiretimebetweenkissesandnipsherepeatedhisearlierwords.

“Iloveyou.Fiercely.Possessively.Crazily.Always.”

CHAPTER8

SAWYER

“D

’

ANYWHERE

ALONE

. P

ROMISE

,” F

INN

SAID

WITH

HIS

HAND

POSSESSIVELY

draped over my leg. There was nothing about his demeanor to suggested he was joking
andIhadafeelinghewasn’tgoingtoletmeoutofthecaruntilIagreed.

“Iwon’t,”Isaid,notwantingtomakehimworry.“Ipromise.”

Finnleanedovertomeandpressedakisstomytemple.“Thankyou.”

Iblushed.“I’mgoingupstairstoJosh’sapartmentandthensheisgoingtotakemeto

thelibrary.”Igotoutofthecarandshutthedoor.

“I’llpickyouup.Thatgivesmetimetogeteverythingreadyforourtrip,”Finnsaid,

casuallytossingouttheideaI’dneverheardhimspeakofbeforewhilebackingupthecar.

“Whattrip?”Icalledoutoverthesoundofhisroaringengineandthetiresrollingover

rockandgravel.

“What?” he yelled back, cupping his ear and smiling from ear to ear. “I can’t hear

you?”

“Whattrip?”Iyelledlouder.

Heputthetruckindriveandflashedmeawinkbeforetakingoff.

“O

SHIT

,”Joshcalledout,Ispuntofindherleaningoverthethirdstorybalconyofher

apartment building. I figured she was there because Finn wouldn’t have driven off
otherwise.“SoundslikeFinn’suptonogood.”

IthadbeenafewdayssinceIlastspoketoJosh.AlthoughFinnhadfilledherinonall

thatwasgoingon,Ifeltliketherewasagapinmylifethatneededtobefilledbyafew
minutesinhercompany.

“Why is your face doing that weird thing where you don’t blink. Are your eyeballs

gonnafallout?‘Causeawarningwouldbenice.Or…shit.Areyougonnahaveastroke
because I don’t think my renter’s insurance covers that, so if you are I recommend
steppingoutsideofthebuildingfirst.”Joshsaidplayfullyeventhoughherlookofconcern
was genuine. She opened the door and stepped aside to let me in. I handed her the bag
containingthesoupfromthebakeryshe’daskedmetopickupontheway.

“I don’t think so?” I said but it came out as a question. I set my bag down on her

counterand

“With all the shit you’ve had going on? I wouldn’t be surprised. How you holding

up?”

“I’m…okay.It’shardtobehappyaboutmymombeingaliveandCritterbeingmydad

whenIdon’tknowifmymomisgoingtobeokayyetandifthethreatofRichardisstill
outthere.”Isaid,staringdownatthecounter.“Itwillalwaysbeoutthere.”

“Notalways.We’regonnaputourheadstogetherandthinkofsomething.I’mgoingto

spinmywheelsuntiltherubberfallsoffthinkingofanywayIcanhelp.”Shepushedmy
chinupwithherhand.“Nowchin-up,buttercup.”

Joshcameoverandembracedmeinatighthug.Shesmelledlikecoconutlotionand

herskinwaswarmlikeshe’dbeensittingoutside.“I’mhereifyouneedme.Always.”She
remindedme,searchingmyeyesforunderstanding.

I nodded and looked away before the tears came. I’d had enough of those for quite

sometimeandIknewthatonceIopenedthefaucetitwouldbehardtoshutitdownagain.

“WhatisthisaboutFinntakingyouonatriptonight?”Joshasked.

“YouknowaboutasmuchasIdo.Nothing.”

“TypicalFinn.”Joshsaidwitharollofhereyes.Shetookthesoupoutofthebagand

setitonthecounter,carefullytakingoffthelidtoreleasethesteam.Sheopenedadrawer
andretrievedaspoon.

“Whoisthatfor,anyway?”Iasked.

Joshpointedafingerattheclosedbedroomdoorandmotionedformetofollowher

inside.

Somethingunderthecoversonherbedmovedandittookmeamomenttorealizeit

therewasadarkheadofhairstickingoutfromthetopofthestackofwhitefluffypillows.
Notjustanyhead.

Miller’shead.

“I’msoooooosick,”hemoaned,rollingoverwiththeblanketbunchedupinhisfists,

pullingitupoverhishead.

Joshleanedoverhimandshoutedthroughthecovers.“Theonlythingyouhaveisa

case of the man-flu! It’s not deadly, just annoying as all hell.” She looked over at me.
“Especiallytothefemalepopulation.”

Miller pulled the blanket back down revealing a slightly reddened nose. He sniffled.

“Don’tyellatme.Idon’tfeelwell.Ithinkit’stheblackplague.”Heloweredhisvoiceto
a whispery rasp. “Who knows how much time I have left…” He said, followed by a
dramaticseriesofcoughsintohisclosedfist.

“Hereisyourdamnchickensoup,”Joshbarkedandploppedthebowldownontothe

nightstand,sloshingsomeovertheside.

“Starsornoodles?”Milleraskedwithoutsomuchasglancingatthebowlorwhatwas

inside.Hepulledthecoversbackupoverhisnose,peekingoutatJoshoverthetop.

Joshrolledhereyesandplacedahandonherjuttedhip.“Atthisrate,justbegrateful

it’snotarsenic.”Sheturnedandusheredmefromtheroom.

“It’s too far away,” Miller whined, making a grabby motion with his hand the soup

which was in arm’s reach if he would’ve tried to reach it. “I can’t…I can’t reach iiiiiiit.
Don’tleavemelikethis,woman!”

“He doesn’t even have a fever,” Josh informed me, ignoring Miller and shutting the

door.

“Sawyer,whyareyoulettingherbesocruellll!!!!”

Josh sneezed into her elbow and retrieved a tissue from the box off the counter to

brieflyblowhernose.“Ihavethesameexactcold.”Shesaid,pitchingthetissueintothe
trashandwashingherhandsinthekitchensink.“Andseehowdifferentlywe’rehandling
it?”

“Justalittledifferent,”Iagreed.

Shestaredatthecloseddoor.“Heneedstowoman-the-hell-upbecauseIsweartoGod

ifheasksforonemorethingI’mgonnaloadhiminthetruckandtosshiminthedrunk
tank.HecansleepitofflikeMr.WardhastoeverytimethePanthersloseandhedrowns
hissorrowsinhisgrandfather’smoonshine.”

“Youwouldn’t!”Millershoutedcamefromtheothersideofthedoor.

“Ohyeah?Tryme!”Sheshoutedback.

Afterafewseconds,whennoreplycame,sheturnedtome.“I’msorryaboutthat.Are

youalright?Imean,areyouREALLYalright?Ifeellikewehaven’thadatonoftimeto
talkandI’vebeenbusydealingwithMr.CrazyPossessiveinthere.”

Fiercely.Possessively.Crazily.

“Josh,canIaskyousomething?Youdon’thavetoanswerbutI’mcurious.”

“Milleraskedmetousemynailtoreachsomethinginhisnosehecouldn’t.Itoldhim

ifheaskedmeagainI’dkickhiminthedick,butthepointisthatnoquestionbesidesthat
one,willoffendmeatthispoint.”

“Gross,andnoted.I’mcurious.”Ipointedtothebedroom.“Doyoulovehim?”

Joshnarrowedhereyestoslits.“Todaymightnotbethebestdaytoaskmethat.”

JoshandMillerwerecompleteopposites.,you’dthinktheyhatedeachother.Butonce

Idiscoveredtheywereanitem,andhadbeenforalongtime,Isawit.Thelovetheydidn’t
want anyone else to see. I can look back on all our interactions and pick up on the
exchangeofglances.ThewayMillerknewwhereshewasintheroomatalltimes.The
waytheyalwaysseemtobetouchingoneanotherwhentheythoughtnoonewaspaying
attention.ItwassoglaringlyobviousnowthatIdon’tknowhowIevermissedittobegin
with.

“The last time I saw you two you were at each other’s throats. Have you two talked

thingsout?”Iasked,sippingfromthebottleofwatershehandedmefromthefridge.

Joshshookherhead.“Onlyifyouconsiderhimshowingupatmydoor,sneezingin

myfaceandtellingmehelovesmeandneedsmetotakecareofhimbeforefallingface
firstintomybed,talkingthingsoutthen,yeah.Iguesswetalked.”

“The last time I saw you was the first time I’d seen you really angry at him. Not

playfullyangrybuttrulyangry.”

Joshstrolledovertothecouchandploppeddown,tuckingonefootunderneathofher.

Itookaseatontheoppositeendandmirroredherposition.

“Yeah, that,” she said, pinching her bottom lip and shaking her head, she stared

blankly at the wall. “I still don’t really know what that was. When it comes to Miller I
think that I try to push back all the feelings so much that when they push through, they
springoutlikeadamnjack-in-the-box.”

“Maybetalkingtohimaboutitwillhelp,”Isuggested,althoughIwasn’tonetogive

advice.I’donlyhadoneromanticrelationshipandIwasguessingasIwent.

“Youknow?”Joshasked,narrowinghereyes,“forsomeonewhoclaimstobeinnocent

whenitcomestoalotofthingsyousurecanDr.Philasituationlikeachampion.”

I didn’t know who Dr. Phil was, but the way Josh said it made it sound like a good

thing.

“Ormaybe,”shenudgedmyarm,“you’rejustareallygoodfriend.”

Mychestswelled.“BeforeIcamehereIneverhadarealfriend.You’reofficiallymy

firstone.Andthankyou.Forlistening.Foreverything.Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithout
you.”

EitherJoshwasn’tsurprisedorshehiditreallywell.“Anddon’tforgetyou’vealsogot

MissMillerinthere.”Shejerkedherthumbtotheroom.“We’remorethanfriendsthough,
Say.We’refamily.”

Family.

WhenIfirstarrivedinTheOutskirtsIdidn’thaveanyone,andnowitseemedthatI

wasaddingtomyfamilydaily.

“I’m sorry. I know this has all got to be hard with your mother and all.” Josh said,

takingmyhandinhersandgivingitasqueeze.“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”

“No.IhadagoodtalkwithmymotherwhenshewaswithitforabitandthenCritter

andthenFinn.IthinkI’malltalkedoutfornow.”

Andallcriedout.Andemotionallyexhausted.

“GoodbecauseafterdealingwithMissPrissyPantsIcouldusesomedamnsilence.”

Joshargued.

“Iheardthat!”Millercalledout.“Saveme,Sawyer.She’ssooooomean.”

“Thesewallsaretoodamnthin,”Joshsaid.Shesqueezedmyhand.“Well,youknow

thatI’mhereforyou,Sawyer.Nomatterwhatyouneed.I’mhere.Finntoo.”

AllIcoulddowasnodinresponse.JoshwasreallyagreatfriendandIwastrulylucky

tohaveher.ImadeamovetostandupwhenIheardFinn’struckpullintotheparkinglot

butswayedandsatbackdownwhenIsuddenlyfeltdizzy.

“You okay?” Josh asked. She pressed the back of her hand to my head then felt my

pulseinmyneck.“Nofever.Pulseisalittlequick.”

“I’mfine.IthinkIstooduptoofastormaybeI’mjustgettingthesamecoldyouand

Millerhave.”

Shemovedherfingersaroundmythroatpressingupanddowninvariousspots.“No

swollen glands either. Answer me this, do you have the urge to complain about simple
sneezingandcoughing?Doyoufeeltheneedtobecoddledwhilewhiningincessantlyfor
noreasonwhatsoever?”

Ishookmyhead.“No.Noneofthat.”

Joshlookedtothebedroomdoorandgrumbled.“Thenyoudefinitelydon’thavewhat

Millerhas.”

“Iheardthattoo!”

Joshignoredhim.“Anyways,wheredoyouthinkFinnistakingyou?”

Irackedmybrain.“Ihavenoideaatall.”

“Ican’twaittofindoutwhere.Callandtellmeassoonasyouknow.Don’tyoujust

lovesurprises?”Joshbouncedonthecushionexcitedly.

IlovedthatFinnwasplanningatripforus,butIcamefromaplacewheresurprises

endedinblackeyes,bruises,andbleeding.Sono,inallhonestyIcouldn’tsaythatIdidn’t
likesurprises.

Notatall.

Especially,thekindweneversawcoming.

CHAPTER9

FINN

THE

SMALL

TWIN

ENGINE

PLANE

ASCENDED

THE

LOOK

AWYER

’

FACE

WAS

ONE

willrememberfortherestofmylife.Shepaledaswegainedaltitudeandherheadstayed
plasteredtothebackofherseat.

“Areyougoingtobeokay?”Iasked.

“I’veneverbeenonaplanebefore.Shesaid,hervoiceamuchhigherpitchthanusual.

Ethan, my parent’s neighbor, who they’ve known for the last three years, turned

aroundfromthefrontseatoftheplane.HetookonelookatSawyer’sfaceandsaid,“First
timeonaplane?”

“Howdidyouknow?”sheaskedshakily.Herhandsqueezedminetighterandtighter

witheachbumpandjoltoftheplane.Ididn’tevencarethatIwaslosingcirculation.Iwas
tooexcitedthatIgottoshareinSawyer’sfirstplaneridewithher.

“Justaguess,”Ethansaidwithasmile.“Youaredoinggreat!”Heturningbackaround

tothecontrols.

We entered a puffy white cloud. The plane began to shake like a bus driving over a

rockyroad.

“Isthisnormal?”sheasked.HerkneebouncedfuriouslyuntilIplacemyhandoverit

beforeshebouncedherselfrightoutoftheplane.

“Youaredoinggreat,baby,”Ireassuredher.“Andyes,thisisallnormal.”

“Do you remember when you told me all of those facts during the storm to distract

me?”

“Ofcourse,”Isaid.HowcouldIeverforget?Itwasonthebestnightsofmylife.It

wasthefirst-timehelpSawyerinmyarms.Inmybed.

“Doyouhaveanymoreofthose?Icouldreallyusethemrightnow.”Theplanedipped

totheleft.Asmoothturn.Sawyerjumpedasifsomeonehadscaredherfrombehind.

I lost all feeling my hand. I still didn’t care. “Did you know, that in the history of

aviation,thatturbulencehasnevertakendownaplanebefore?”

Sheshookherheadinresponsesqueezinghereyesshut.

“it’strue.Turbulenceisperfectlynormal.Isnotanindicationofenginetrouble.Think

of it like a car on a bumpy road. These planes were made to drive on bumpy roads. Or

bumpyairIshouldsay.”

Theplaneleveledoff.Sawyergrabbedhermidsection.

“Areyougoingtobesick?”Iasked.

Sawyershookherheadfuriouslyfromsidetoside.

The bumps subsided. The ride became smooth. “Look,” I told Sawyer. “Open your

eyes.”

“No!”Sheexclaimed,placingherhandsoverheralreadyclosedeyes.

“Doyoufeelit?Nomorebumps.It’sbeautifuldownthere.Youneedtoseeit.”When

that didn’t work I tried another tactic. “Where is my brave girl? Where is the one who
wouldn’tletanythingstopher.Whowasfearlesswhensheshould’vebeenafraid?Ineed
thatgirltoopenhereyesandlookbecauseIknowshewouldbeupsetwhenshefoundout
whatshemissed.BecauserightnowfromwhereI’msittingtheviewisincredible.”

I lightly tugged on Sawyers rest removing her hand from her eyes. Slowly and

reluctantly she opened her eyes and squinted from the sun. Once her eyes adjusted I
leanedoverhertowardthewindowforcingherclosersoshecouldseethegroundbelow.
“Isn’titamazing?”

Sawyeronlynodded.Herlipsparted.Wonderreplacedthefearinhereyes.Herknee

stoppedbouncing.Herhandreleasedmineasshepressedittothewindow,tryingtogeta
betterglimpseoftheearthbeneathus.“It’sso…wow.”

For the rest of the flight, Sawyer could not peel her eyes from the window. Right

beforewelanded,sheturnedtomeandsaid,“Itmakesyouthink,doesn’tit?”

“Aboutwhat?”

Abouthowunimportantitallis.Andatthesametimehowimportantitallis.”

Ididn’tknowexactlywhatshewastryingtosay.AllIknewwasupmostimportant

thingintheworldtomewassittingrightnexttome,squealingwithjoyasthewheelshit
thetarmac.

CHAPTER10

SAWYER

“W

HERE

ARE

EXACTLY

?”I

ASKED

THAN

DROPPED

OFF

THE

DRIVEWAY

cabinstylehomebuiltintothesideofamountain.

FinnthankedEthanwhopointedtohisownhomeacrossthenarrowpath.“That’sme,

ifyouneedanything.”

Ethanbackedupandpulledintohisowndriveway.

“WeareintheGeorgiamountains.”

“Whosehouseisthis?”Iasked,justasanexcitedscreampiercedthenightair.

“Mybabyishome!”

The front door flung open and a tiny woman leapt down the porch, running toward

Finnwithopenarmsandcollidingintohimwithsuchforceitknockedhimbackastep.

“Hey,Mom.Goodtoseeyoutoo,”Finnchuckledagainstherhead,returningherhug.

Mother.

Weareathisparents’house.

IbegantopanicmorethanIhadontheplane.Mypalmsgrewsweaty.Mythroatwent

dry. At least the flight he’d told me about a few hours beforehand. He’d given me no
warningatallaboutthis.

Finn’smotherpulledbackbutkeptherhandsonhisarms.“Letmelookatyou,”she

said,givinghersonaonceover.Hereyesweredarkbrownandfullofwarmth.Hershort
hairwasalightstrawberryblonde.ShelookednothinglikeFinnatallandwasatleasta
footshorterthanhim.“Youlookgreat,honey.”hereyeswelledupwithhappytears.

“Noneofthatnow,Ma.Butyoulookgreattoo,”Finnsaid.Heplacedanarmaround

myshoulderandpulledmeintohim.“Mom,thisis…”

“Thisistheone!”hismomshrieked,pullingmeintoherembrace.“It’ssowonderful

tofinallymeetyou.Youarestunning.Finn,youdidn’ttellmeshewasthisbeautiful.”She
whisperedhernextwordsinmyear.“Thankyou.”

WhenIpulledbacktoaskherwhyshewasthankingme,IrealizedI’dbeenwrong.

ShedidhaveoneresemblancetoFinn.Thedimplethatpoppedoutonhercheekwhenshe
smiled.

“Areya’llgonnastandoutthereandhugalldayoryougonnacomeonin?”Another

loudyetmuchdeepervoiceboomedfromthedoor.

FinnandhismotherwalkedmeuptothefrontstepstomeetthemanwhowasFinn,

just older. White hair where Finn’s was dirty blonde. A few more lines on his slightly
reddened face. But his height, build, and even the way he was standing with his arms
crossedoverhischestwasentirelyFinn.

“It’seerieisn’tit,darling?”Finn’smomwhisperedwhenshesawmestaringbetween

thetwomen.

I could only nod. I didn’t know if eerie was the right word, but it was certainly

interestinghowitappearedthatthemoldusedtomakeFinn’sfatherwasreusedtomake
Finn.

“Niceseeingyouagain,son,”Finn’sdadsaid,“Beentoodamnlong.”Heheldouthis

handbutthesecondFinnplacedhishandouthisfathertookitandpulledhiminforaone-
armedhug.“Getoverhere.”

“Greatseeingyouagaintoo,oldman.”Finnsaidsoundinggenuine.Icouldn’thelpbut

smile.Hishappinesswasdownrightinfectious.

“Oldman?Idon’tlookadayoverfifty-two.”Hisdadargued,puffingouthischest.

“That’s because you ARE fifty-two,” Finn’s mother said with a playful shove to his

shoulder.

“This must be Sawyer,” his dad said, turning his attentions and his Finn-like killer

smileonme.

I couldn’t help but smile back. “It’s great meeting you both, Mr. And Mrs. Hollis.

Thankyouforhavingmeinyourhome.”Iinstantlyrealizedwewerestillontheporch.
“Or…outsideofyourhome?”Iamended.

Finnplacedahandonthesmallofmyback.AreassuringgestureIdesperatelyneeded.

I don’t know why I was suddenly nervous to meet new people. I’d been doing it
practicallyeverysingledayformonths.

Butthisisyourfirsttimemeetingtheparentsofthemanyoulove.

“Noneedfortheformalities,darling,”Mr.Hollischuckled.“YoucancallmeJoeand

thisherebeautifulladyismyJosie.”

“JoeandJosie?”Iraisedmyeyebrowsatthesimilaryetadorablyfittingnames.

Josieplacedanarmaroundmyshoulder,pullingmeawayfromFinnandleadingme

into the house. Joe and Finn followed closely behind. “You think that’s weird?” she
whispered.“Youshouldmeetourneighbors.SamandSamantha.”

Ichuckled.

“Although,Ithinkthesekidsheregotusbeatwiththecutenames,hun,”Joechimed

in.

“Howisthat…”Finn’smomtrailedoff.Shestoppedwalkingandspunaroundasthe

realizationhither.

“I knew you’d get a kick out of it,” Finn said with a proud smile. “Since it is your

favoritebookandall.”

Josieclappedherhandstogetherandlookedlikeshewasabouttomeltintothewood

floor.Sheglancedbetweenuswithasmilethattookupherentireface.

“FinnandSawyer!”

CHAPTER11

FINN

ATE

MOTHER

’

FAMOUS

ROAST

CHICKEN

FOR

DINNER

. I

TASTED

BETTER

THAN

remembered.Theconversationwaslightandfilledwithlaughter.Ifoundmyselfreaching
over several times to squeeze Sawyer’s hand or rub my foot against her calf under the
tabletoreassureher.Althoughafterawhileitwasclearhernerveshadfadedandshewas
justanotherHollissittingaroundthedinnertable.

JustanotherHollis.

Somethingaboutthatmademewanttosweepherofftoacavesomewhere.Idoubted

thetwinbedinmyoldbedroomwouldbeasmanly,itwasgoingtohavetodo.

Mycavemanurgesweregoingtohavetowait.Afterdinner,myfatherandIsatouton

thebackdeckwhilemymotherinsistedthatSawyerstayintohelpherwithherfamous
cobbler.

“Since when does Mom need help with desert?” I asked, taking the cigar my father

handedtomeandbitingofftheendtolightit.Cigarsweren’treallymythingbutitwas
almostatraditionthateverytimeI’dvisitedwe’dsmokeoneandshoottheshit.

“She don’t. That woman can bake with her eyes shut and her hands tied behind her

back.”Heheldupthecigarinhishand.“It’sbeentoolongsincewehadoneofthese,”he
said,lightinghiscigarandpuffingonituntilthetipturnedredthenhandingittometodo
thesame.Itookapuffandblewitout.

“Yeah,Dad,”Iagreed.“Waytoolong.”

“Youbetternow,kid?‘CauseyoulookbetterthanthelasttimeIsawyouwhenyou

practicallytossedyourmamaandIoutonourasseswhenwecametocheckonyaafter
Jackiepassed.Iknowyoutoldusthatyouwerefineevenwhenyouweren’tevencloseto
fine.Brokeourheartswhenwerealizedtherewasn’tnothingwecoulddoforyoubutlet
youworkitoutonyourown.AndIknowitwashard,butI’mgladyoucontinuedtaking
yourmama’scalls.Itmeanttheworldtohertoknowyouwerestilltrudgingthroughthe
messyoumadeofyourlifeinsteadofgivinguponit.”

IhatedbeingresponsiblefortheirpainwhileIwasgoingthroughmine.“I’msorry,”I

said. “I really am. Couldn’t see past my own shi…” my mother gave me a glare. I
chuckled.“stuff,tounderstandwhatIwasputtingyouthrough.”

Mychesttightenedatthethoughtofthemsufferingbecauseofme.

“Yes, you hurt us. But yes, you are very forgiven. Always,” my mother said, patting

thetopofmyhand.

“Beataroundthebushwhydon’tya,”Isaidplayfully.

My mom beamed. “Life’s too short to beat around it when you can carve your way

throughitinhalfthetimeandsitbackwithabeerandacigarfortheotherhalf.”

“Therewasnothingyouguycould’vedonetohelpmeseemywayclearofmyown

bullshitbackthen.But,yeah.I’mbetternow.I’msorryIputyouthroughallthat.”

Dadlookeddownathiscigar,turningitaroundinhisfingerslikeitsomehowheldall

theanswers.“LookslikeSawyermayhaveplayedapartingettingyoubacktous.”He
gestured to the window where mom was talking enthusiastically, waving a rolling pin
around in her hand while Sawyer laughed at whatever embarrassing story she was
probablytellingaboutmychildhood.Itmeanteverythingtometohaveherthere.Tobe
partofmyfamily.ThethreepeopleIcaredaboutmostintheworldwereunderoneroof
anditwasakindoffeelingofbeingcompletethatIneverthoughtI’deverhave.

Hecouldn’thavebeenmoreright.“Shewasthefirstpersontocomealongwhomade

me miss living. I wasn’t expecting her. Or the way she made me feel. Took me by
completesurprise.”

“Thegoodonesalwaysdo.”DadnoddedlikeheunderstoodexactlywhatIwassaying

although I didn’t quite understand it myself. “I see the way you look at that girl. That’s
whatIliketocalltheforeverfactor.IhaditinmyeyeswhenIsawyourmotherforthe
first time,” he blew out a breath like he couldn’t believe it himself. He glanced back
throughthewindow.

“Youstillhaveitwhenyoulookathernow,”Isaid.

“That’swhatFOREVERmeans,son.”

I laughed took another puff of my cigar. Forever was exactly what I wanted with

Sawyer. But I’d already taken so much from her. How could I ask her for forever right
nowwhenshe’sexperiencedsolittleoutoflife?

“Does Sawyer know how you feel? How deep this runs for you?” he asked, like he

wasreadingmymind.

Ishrugged.“Ithinkso,butherlife’s…complicated.Thisisallnewforher.”Ilooked

upatthesky.“Newformetoo.”

“Icanseethat.YouneverlookedatJackiethatway.Shewasagoodkidandall.Imiss

herlikeshewasmyowndaughter,butshewasn’tyourforeverfactor.”

“No,shewasn’t.”Iwaitedforthefamiliarstingofguilttofollowthosewords,butit

nevercame.

“So,youdon’twanttoscareSawyeroffwiththeenormityofyourfeelings.Thentell

meson,how’syourwoo?”

“My what?” I asked, choking on the smoke. I reached down to the beer on the deck

nexttomychairandtookahealthygulp.

My father cocked an eyebrow and gave me a side glare that was so heated it could

melt metal. He shifted toward me in his seat. “You’re a Hollis, son. Please tell me that
you’ve been wooing the girl and not just practicing marital relations. Tell me you know
howtowoo.”

“Youdohaveawaywithwords,”Ichuckled.Also,hehadapoint.

Dad rolled his eyes. “You want to lock her down on forever but you’re not wooing

her?Haveyoueventakenheroutonaproperdate?”

“I…shit,” I said, leaning back and taking another puff on my cigar. “No. No I

haven’t.”

Mydadscoffed.“Youbestgettoit.Ifyoudon’twanttodumpyourloadoffeelingson

yourforevergirlwithoutscaringthebeesoutofthehivethenyou,son,aregonnahaveto
wooherfirst.”Dadblewoutaperfectsmokering.

Iglancedbacktothishouse.MyeyesmetSawyer’sbrieflymetthroughthewindow.

Sheblushedandwentbacktolisteningtowhateverstorymymomwastelling.

Ilovedthatblush.Ilovedthatherentirebodyturnedpinkwhenshewasturnedon.

Ididn’tlovethatmydadwasright.

“I hate it when you’re right,” I grumbled, not imagining how I’d been so naive.

BetweenrejoiningsocietyandalltheshitgoingdownwithSawyer’sparents,I’dskipped
rightoverdatingher.

Ifeltabluntslaponthebackofmyhead.Iturnedtofindmyfathersettingarolled-up

newspaperdownonthedeck.“Whatthehellwasthatfor?”

“She’s never been on a date before, right?” he asked. “You’ve taken up with her.

Practicallylivingtogetherandyouain’ttookherononesingledate.”Mydadrolledhis
eyes and whistled through his disappointment. “Not a movie not a dinner. Nothing. You
evenmysonorshouldIgetoneofthemfancyDNAtestsoftheinternets?”

“Shit,” I muttered, wiping my hand down my face and scratching the stubble on my

chin.

“Incaseyouwerestillwondering,”mydadsaid.“Thatslapwasforpickingtheapple

beforeithadtimetofallfromthetree.Raisedyoubetterthanthat,son.”

“Yeah,youdid,”Iagreed.

Myfatherturnedupwardandlookedtothestars,reclininginhiscreakylawnchair.I

didthesame.

“Whosesideareyouonanyway?”Iaskedafterafewmomentsofsilence.

Dad chuckled and I knew exactly what he was going to say because it was how he

always answered the question whenever I talked to him in the past about my mother or
evenJackie.

“Hers,son.AlwaysHers.”

INN

I’dbeenaselfishprick.

WhichwasfittingbecausewhenitcametoSawyeritseemsthatit’salsowhatI’dbeen

thinkingwithinsteadofmybrain.Myfatherwasright.I’dputtheapplebeforethefalling
treeorwhatevergarbledmumbojumphesaidthatbrokethroughtome.

She’sneverbeenonadate.

I’d been inside of her and never taken her on a date. Sure, I’d slept with plenty of

womenI’dneveractuallydatedbefore,butSawyerwasunlikeanyoneI’devermet,which
waswhythedateIhadplannedwasfarfromtraditional.

Witheverythingthat’sbeengoingonIhadn’trealizedwe’dcompletelyskippedastep.

Actually,we’dskippedseveralsteps.Wewentfromtheoccasionalkisstokeepherfrom
freakingouttohavingherinmybedeverynight.IwasoverthemoonhappybutIhadn’t
stoppedforonesinglesecondtothinkaboutallthethingsshe’sneverexperienced.Allthe
thingsshe’smissedouton.

Sawyerhadneversomuchasexperiencedhighschoolorpromorafootballgameand

at the first possible moment I’d claimed her as mine and somewhere in all the beautiful
chaosoffallingforherI’dforgottentoactuallydateher.

Ididdeservethatslapmydadhadgivenme.

Ineededanotheronewheneveryimpurethoughtknowntomancrossedmymindas

Sawyersteppedoutofthebedroomwearingawhitesundressthathuggedhereverycurve.

“Didyougetahaircut?”Sawyeraskedasshemetmeonmyparent’sfrontporch.She

smelledlikelavenderandvanilla.MyfavoritescentsinceI’dcometoknowherandoneI
nowuniquelyidentifiedwithallthingsSawyer.

ImadeanotetothankmymotherfortakingSawyershoppingintowntoday.Herdress

wasthekindthattiedbehindherneckandputherfantastictitsondisplaywithjustahint
ofcleavage.Iwasalreadyflexingmyfingerstokeepmyselffromuntyingitandlettingit
fall open. It hugged her small waist and perky ass then flared out just enough to gently
swishingagainstwherethematerialstoppedonthemiddleofherthigh.

Iswallowedhard.

Sawyer nervously tucked one side of her auburn hair behind her ear, shuffling under

thescrutinyofmygazeasItookinthemagnificentcreaturebeforeme.

“Youarestunning,”Ifinallymanagedtosay.Clearingmythroatandtryingtogetmy

head back in the game. She blushed under her freckles and I coughed because my heart
literallyskippedabeat.“ThemostbeautifulthingI’deverlaideyeson.”

“Youknow.Whenwefirstmetyouusedtobekindof…”

“Mean?”

She shook her head. “No, what’s the word Josh would use?” she snapped. “And

asshole.Youweresuchanasshole.”

I bent over with laughter. “Is it wrong that I find you swearing to be hilarious,

adorable,andacompleteturnon?”

“I think that’s acceptable.” She looked up at me from under her long black lashes.

“Thankyou.And…yourhair?Didyougetitcut?”Sawyerpressedherbeautifulpinklips
together.

Icouldn’tbelievethisgirlwasmine.

“Finn?”Sheasked,draggingmetothepresent.

“Oh.Yeah.Myhair.Mymomgavemeatrim.SaidIlookedlikeIcrawledoutofthe

swamp,notlivebesideit.”Ipattedthetopofmyheadlikeadancingmonkeyinacircus
sideshow.“Shewasright.Itneededit.Ithadbeenawhile.”I’dalwaysbeenconfidentin
mylooksandIlovedthewaySawyerlookedatandappreciatedmybody,butthiswasthe
firsttimeinmylifeIwasseekingapprovalfromagirl.ItwaslikeIneededhertothinkI
wasgoodenoughforher.

Iwasn’t.Neverwouldbe.

Butstill,Iwantedhertothinkit.

It was then I realized how nervous I was. Which was stupid because we were

practicallylivingtogether.Butthiswasdifferent.Deepersomehow.Moremeaningful.

“It looks really great,” she said, appraising my short-sleeved button-down shirt that

hugged my biceps, fitted dark jeans and black boots. “YOU look really great.” That
fuckingblush,thewaythecoloronhercheeksmatchedherfulllips.Itmademeacheto
touchher,butItoldmyselfIwasgoingtobehave.Shedeservedthisnightandsomuch
more.

Thatdidn’tmeanitwasn’tgoingtobealongnight.

“Youreallydon’tknowhowfuckingsexyyouare,”Isaid.I’ddrasticallycutdownon

thesmokesbutIlightacigarettemostlysothatIwouldn’tthrowherdownandthedeck
andmakeherscreamloudenoughtowakemyparents—who’dfallenasleepintheliving
roomwatchingJeopardyoveranhourbeforethesunhadevenset.

“Yousuredohaveawaywithwords,FinnHollis.”Hergoldeneyeswerebrightwith

questionsandwonderment.Herpupilswildandwide.“Areyousureyou’rethesameman
Imetintheclearing?”

“No.I’mnotthesame,”Iadmitted.“Notsinceyou.”

ShestaredatmelikeshewasstunnedbymywordsuntilItookadragofmycigarette

andsheblinkedrapidly.“So,whereexactlyareyoutakingme?”

“It’s…asurprise.”Iblewoutthesmokeandstubbedoutmycigarette.Igrabbedherby

thewaistandpulledheragainstme.Inhalingherscent.

Justalittlebitofhertoholdmeover.

“Didyoujustsmellme?”Sheaskedwithanervouslaugh.

“Isurefuckingdid.”Therewasnopointindenyingit.

“So,howdoIsmell?”

“Delicious,”Igroaned.“Alwaysdelicious.”

Duringtheentirerideinmydad’struck,Iwastryingtocasuallyadjustmyhard-on.I

felt like a thirteen-year-old who could barely control himself. I’d never been that way
beforebutIfounditimpossiblenottothinkaboutwhatwasgoingoninmypantswhen
everythingSawyerdidseemedtosendajoltrightbetweenmylegs.LikewhenInoticed
her dress had ridden up on her thighs. When she crossed and uncrossed her legs and I
caught a glimpse of white cotton between her legs. When she ran the tip of her index
fingeroverthelightsheenofglossonherplumplowerlipintherearviewmirror.

Yep.Longfucking.night.

You’dthinkthatonceI’dhadSawyerthatthedesireforherwoulddwindle,likeithad

inthepastwitheveryothergirlI’dbeenwith,butthatwasn’tthecaseatall.Itwaslike
everytimeSawyerwasaroundmeIwasmoreandmoreinfectedbythisdiseaseofneed.

AdiseaseIneverwantedtobecuredof.

A disease I’d gladly die from while thanking the universe for bestowing it upon me

withmylastdamnedbreath.

“Areyouokay?”Sawyerasked,restingherhandonmythighandgivingmeagentle

squeeze.

Istifledagroan.“Neverbetter,”Ichokedout.

“Youlooklikeyouhavesomethingonyourmind.”

“Me?Nah.Notadamnedthing.”Ipulledintotheemptyfieldbesidethemountainand

turnedtheenginetoidle.

“Areyousure?Wecandothisanothertimeifyoudon’t…”

“No,”Isnapped.“YoureallywanttoknowwhatI’mthinkingabout?”Iaskedwitha

laugh.

“Yes. Of course,” she asked innocently, having no clue how much she affected me.

“Okaythe.TheentireridehereIwasthinkingofhowmuchofyouIstillhaven’texplored.
AbouthowI’dliketotracemytongueovereverysinglesexyfreckledinchofyou.About
thewayyoublushbeforeImakeyoucome.AbouthowyoupullmyhairwhenI’mkissing
youbetweenyou…”

“Ooohh,” she squealed, placing a hand over her mouth. There was that blush again.

Hernipplespeakedbehindthefabricofherdress.

“But I’m trying to be a gentleman over here before my father kicks my ass for not

takingyouonaproperdate.”

“That’swhatthisisallabout?”sheasked,slidingovertokissmeonthecheek.

IclosedmyeyestocollectmyselfandwhenIopenedthembackupItrainedmyeyes

onhers.“Yes.Ifyoudon’tmind,wouldyoupleasestopbeingsoincrediblysexysoIcan
dothisproperly?”

Sheleanedbackinherseatandpressedherlipstogether.“,”shesaid.“Wherearewe

goinganyway?”sheasked,lookingaroundatourdarksurroundings.

I rounded the truck and helped her down, grabbing the backpack and picnic basket

fromthebackseatI’dthrowninearlierwithalittlepackinghelpfromMom.

“Wearegoingrighthere,”Isaid,layingouttheblanketontheground.“Sit.”She sat

andwaitedwhileIgatheredtherestofwhatIneeded.Isetuptheportableprojectoronthe
hoodofthetruck,pointingittowardthesideofthemountain.Igrabbedtheremoteand
joinedherontheblanket,pullinganotheronefromthebagincaseshegotcold.

“Thereisn’tatonofdateoptionsinTheOutskirts,samegoesforthemountains.Idid

some research and the nearest movie theater to my parent’s place isn’t all that near. An
hour’sdriveandit’splayingsomethingIthinkIsawinhighschool.”

“Ilikethisbetter,”Sawyersaid.“It’smore…us.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” I set out the food and snacks on the blanket and

passedherabagofpopcorn.ImadesureIwaswatchingherfaceandnotthesideofthe
mountainwhichlitupwhenIpressedplayontheremote.

“Wow,” she exclaimed craning her neck to the twenty-foot movie screen now

projectedontopoftherockinfrontofus.“Whatisthis?”

“This is dinner and a movie,” I explained, popping a piece of her popcorn in my

mouth.

“Thisisreallynice,”shesaid,shovingahandfulofpopcorninhermouth.“Andthisis

sooooogood.”Shespokewithhermouthfullandwhenpopcornshotfromhermouthshe
laughedaroundherfullchipmunkcheeks.

I was just about to press play when Sawyer said something that made me pause. “I

lovedmeetingyourparents.Thankyousomuchforbringingmehere.ItwaseverythingI
thoughtitwassupposedtobe.”

“Everythingyouthoughtwhatcouldbe?”

Shesighedasifshewerecontent.“Family.”

I always knew my parents were pretty great. They’d put up with a lot of shit in my

earlier years and even more shit as I got older. But suddenly I was seeing them from
Sawyer’seyes.“Youknow,Ididn’teventhinkabouthowthiscouldpossiblyupsetyou.
I’msorry.”

She shook her head. “No. It was wonderful. They were so kind and gracious. They

laughedandsmiledandlaughedsomemorewhenIspilledthewateralloverthetable,”
shechuckledasIkissedherhead.“Theywereamazing.”

“Theyareprettygreat.Andtheylovedyou.”

“Becauseyouloveme,”shesaid,likeshewasfinallygettingit.

Ishookmyhead.“No,becauseYOUareamazing.”

I pressed play on the remote before I completely forgot about everything except

stripping Sawyer naked and fucking her in the middle of the damn field. Music started
playingfromthespeakerattachedtotheprojector.Sawyer’seyeslitupasshefollowedthe
streamoflightoverourheadstothewidetreeinfrontofuswheretheopeningcreditsof

themoviewererolling.

“Whatmovieisthis?”sheaskedbouncingonherbuttandclappingherhandstogether.

“What’sitabout?”

“Therewereonlyahandfulofmoviesthatworkedwiththisprojectorinmyparent’s

basement.Onewasaboutsharks,anotheraboutwar,adocumentarymadeintheseventies
aboutporn.”

“What’sporn?”

“Uh…well.”Ifeltmyownfacegrowinghot.

Sawyer remained expressionless while I stumbled around an explanation until she

brokeoutintoafitoflaughter.“Justkidding.Iknowwhatitis.ButIlovedthatyou’rethe
oneblushingnow.”

Ireachedinandtossedsomepopcornatherhairwhichsheexpertlydodged.

“Anyway,toansweryourearlierquestion.ThisoneiscalledJuno.It’ssupposedtobea

comedy.Otherthanthat,Idon’tknowmuchaboutit.”

“I’msureI’llloveit,”shesaid,herwidesmilebeaminginthedarkalmostasbrightas

thelightontheprojector.

“Comehere,”Isaid,pullingSawyerintothecrookofmyarm.Shesnuggledagainst

mewhilewesnackedandwatchedthemoviewhichwasn’tasfunnyasIthoughtitwould
beconsideringitturnedouttobeaboutteenpregnancyandgivingababyupforadoption.
Spoileralert:itendedwithboththeteenagemotherandfathercryinginahospitalroom
overthelossoftheirbaby.

AstheclosingcreditsrolledIlookedovertoSawyerwhohadaconfusedlookonher

face.“What’swrong?”Iasked.

Sheliftedherheadtolookatme.“Nothing,thiswasjust…thiswaseverything,Finn.

I’mhappy.YOUmakemehappy.Thankyou.”Sheplacedherheadbackonmychestand
Icouldfeelherbreathagainstmyskinthroughtheslitbetweenthebuttonofmyshirt.She
kissedmychestthroughthefabric.

“Canyou…”shestarted,butthenstopped.“Imean,canwe…”

“Sawyer,allyouneedtodoisaskandit’syours.I’vetoldyouthat.”Isaid,feelingthe

heatofherskinthroughourclothes.

She fiddled with the buttons of my shirt. I reached down between her fingers and

slippedthebuttonoutofthehole.“Isthatwhatyouwanted?”Iaskedonarasp.

Shenodded.

“Tellme,”Iwhispered.“Tellmewhatyouwant.”

Shelookedupatme.Hergoldeneyesdark.Herpupilslargeandglistening.“Iwant

you.”

“Thank, Christ,” I swore, pushing her over onto her back and removing my shirt in

recordtime.Ipressedmylipstohers.Sheopenedimmediatelysoourtonguescouldmeet

anddancetogether.Wegroanedandmoanedintooneanotherasshereachedformybelt
buckle. When she had it through the loops, I popped the button and reached under her
dress,pullingthosewhiteteasingpantiesdownherlegs.Sheusedherfeettopushdown
my jeans past my hips. My hard cock sprang free and I moaned when the tip pressed
against the heat from her core. I stroked myself up and down against her pussy, coating
mycockinherwetness.Teasingusboth.

“Inside me, please,” she rasped, rocking against me, lifting her hips to feel more of

me.

“Finally,” I ground out, thrusting my hips forward and pushing into her in one long

hardthrust.Herheadshotbackandhereyesclosed.HercoreclenchedaroundmeandI
was squeezed from all sides, surrounded by the softest, wettest, warmest place I never
wantedtoleave.

We stayed out there on that blanket in that field for hours. We switched between

fuckingandmakinglove.SometimeswejuststaredatoneanotherwhileIwasstillhard
insideofherbodyandwecaughtourbreaths.Sometimeswetalkedabouteverythingand
sometimesaboutnothingatall.

Wecame,welaughed,andwe’dstartalloveragain.

It wasn’t until after midnight when I checked my phone and realized I had several

missedcallsfromCritter.Iclickedmytexticonandfroze.Theworldaroundmestopped.
It was just me. Sawyer. And the text that glared at me hatefully from the screen in my
hand.

“Whatisit?”Sawyerasked,turningmebytheshouldertofaceher.

“ThatwasCritter.”TherewasnothingIwantedtodolessintheworldthandeliverthe

wordsIhadtosaynext.Iglancedupfrommyphone.“It’syourmother.She’smissing.”

Sawyergasped.“Whereis…”Ididn’tneedhertofinishthesentence.

Ishookmyheadslowly.

IwantedtosaveherfromwhatIwasabouttotellherbutcouldn’t.Myheartbrokefor

herbeforeI’devenutteredthewords.“Wedon’tknow.”

CHAPTER12

SAWYER

SECOND

LANDED

JUMPS

INTO

INN

’

TRUCK

AND

RACED

OVER

RITTER

’

house.Crittercameouttomeetusintheyard.

“What happened?” I asked feeling panic invade my entire body like an enemy I’d

foughtagainstandlosttobefore.

Shewasontheporch.Maddywentinsidetogethersometea.Whenshecameback

outyourmotherwasgone.Atfirst,theythoughtshejustwanderedoff.Butwechecked
thesunflowerfield,andtherewasnosignofher.

Finnchimedin.“Wecansplitup,covermoregroundthatway.”

Critter shook his head. “You haven’t checked your phone since you landed, have

you?”

“No,why?Whathappened?”Finnasked,lookingasampedupasIwasatthenews.

“Because Caroline is right here. She’s home. She’s safe. She got confused and

wandered off. She was only gone for a handful of hours. Came back full of mud and
mosquitobites.Butotherthanthat,she’sokay.She’srestingnow.”

Myinsides,whichhadfeltshriveledupwiththenewsthatsomethinghappenedtomy

mother,suddenlyexpandedagainandIwasfinallyabletotakeadeepbreathofair.My
firstsinceCritterfirstsentwordofmymother’sdisappearance.Itwasalmosttoomuch.I
feltdizzy.ItookonewobblystepandthenanotherbeforestrongarmscaughtmeasIfell.
IlookedupintoFinn’sconcernedbeautifulface.Hewasshoutingsomethingatme,butI
couldn’t hear the words. I only saw his lips moving as his handsome face fading away
completelyuntilIwasaloneinthedarkness.

Sawyer

Finn was sticking by my side closer than ever. Not just because I fainted and he

freakedoutbutbecausewedidn’tknowwhereRichardwas.Apparently,Critter’smanlost
sightofhimwhenhewentintoabarandnevercamebackout.

FinnwantedtoleaveagainandIpromisedhimwewouldgoinafewdays.Afterthe

scarewithmymomIjustneededtofeelclosetoherandtoCritterandcouldn’tfathom
leavingagainrightaway.

Untilthen,Itriedtogoonwithlifeasusualandmakesurethatsomebodyinourinner

circlewaswithmealways.Finnwastenserthanever.Lookingoutthewindowseveryfew

minutes.Pacinginfrontofthedoor.Flexinghislongfingersandoccasionallycrackinghis
knuckles.

“Youneedtocalmdown,”Isaid,turningoverapageinmynotebook.

“Iwill.Onceweknowwherethatfuckeris.”

“Pacingisn’tgoingtofindhimanyfaster,”Ipointedout.

“No,”heagreed,“butitmakesmefeelbetter.IfIsitstill,Imightlaunchthroughthe

roof.”

“So,sit.That’ssomethingI’dliketosee,”Iteasedwithawink.

Finntookhiseyesfromthewindowtorollhiseyesatme.“Smartass,”hegrumbled.

ItwasthefirsttimesinceourdateendedthatI’dseenhimsmile.

I felt his heavy footsteps on the ground as he leaned in over my shoulder. “What is

this?”Finnasked,reachingovermetothetablewhereI’dleftmynotebookopen.“Isthis
partofyourresearch?”

“No.It’s…nothing.”Itriedtosnatchitback,butIwastoolateandFinnwasalready

silentlymouthingthewords.

Mywords.

“Sawyer.”TherewasanaweinhisvoiceI’dneverheardbefore.Heloweredthepage

andgazedupatme.Hiseyesfilledwithwonderment.Pride.Mystomachflipped.“You
wrotethis?”

Ibitmylipandfidgetedwiththepeninmyhand.“Yeah?”Itcameoutasaquestion.

Finn set the notebook reverently back on the table. He reached for me, placing his

handsonmyface.HepressedafirmkisstomylipsthatIfeltallthewaytothedeepest
partofmysoul.“Ididn’tknowyoucouldwritelikethat.”

Ishrugged.“NeitherdidI.”

“It’sreallygood.Like,reallygood.Doyouhavemore?”

“Yes, but mostly it’s just a bunch of scribbles. Art and religion are so closely

connected.Ineverreallyknewthatbefore.Paintings.Tapestries.Poetry.Ilovedthepoetry
somuchIstartedreadingallthepoetrybookswehavehere.Theywere…inspiring.I’ve
been messing around with some ideas and the way the words feel to me when I write
them.Ifeelpeacefulreadingthembacktomyself.IncontrolwhenallI’veeverfeltwas
outofcontrol.”

“It’sreallyincredible.”

“Thisbookismyfavoriteone.”IreachedforbookIkeptoutoforderonthecornerof

theshelf.I’dbeenpullingitoutatleastafewtimesaday.Ididn’twanttokeepgettingthe
rollingstoolouteverytimeIwantedtoreachitonthetopshelf.Igentlyplacedthebook
titled,POETRYOFTHEHEART,onthetableandopenedtotheMayaAngeloupoemI
fellinlovewithinthefirstchapter.“Ireadthisanditmademefeelsomething.Irealize
that’s what the author was trying to do. Provoke an emotion. Relay a feeling. Vent and
make people see inside her mind. It was…brilliant. Breathtaking. Then I thought that I

might be able to do something like that too. Obviously, not like her, but like…I don’t
know.Me.”

“I’ve never read anything like it.” Finn held up the notebook again and much to my

chagrinheagainreadmyattemptatbeingcreativealthoughthistime,muchtomydismay,
hereadthewordsoutloud.

BIRD

FELL

fromatreetodayandsanghislastsongatthebottom.

Maybe,itwasn’tasong.

Maybe,Iwaswrong.

Itcouldhavebeenascreamoracry.

Acallforhelp.Apleanottodie.

IwashelplesstoknowandhelplesstohelpsoIcalleditasongandImovedalong.

Abirdfellfromatreetodayandscreamedhislastscreamatthebottom.

“T

MORBID

RIGHT

?”Icringed.

“No. At least I don’t think so. It’s about perception and not being able to change

things.Thedyingbirdcouldbeanything.Anypersonyoucan’thelporanysituationyou
can’t change. It’s really…just wow.” He wrapped his arms around me. “Just when I
thoughtyoucouldn’tamazemeanymorethenyoualreadyhave.”Hemurmured.

His phone buzzed and he gave me a quick kiss before stepping to the back of the

library by the storage area to take the call. It’s the only space in the place where your
wordsdidn’techooramplifylikeyouwereshoutingintoamegaphone.

The chime above the library door signaled a visitor. We didn’t get many as of yet.

Especially since we weren’t officially open. But I wanted people to feel free to come
checkoutourprogress.IlovedmeetingmoreandmorepeoplefromthetownInowcalled
home.

“We aren’t open yet but feel free to look around,” I called out as a familiar young

woman entered, looking around as if she were lost. She had lifeless mouse brown hair
pulled back in a severe bun at the nape of her neck. Her shapeless long sleeved grey
blouseandankle-lengthblackskirtbroughtremindedmeoftimesI’drathersoonforget.

AmIseeingthings?

“Sawyer?”theyoungwomanasked,likeitwasherwhocouldn’tbelievewhatshewas

seeing. She tentatively walked to the center of the room with her arms hanging low and
her hands clasped together in front of her body. She looked me up and down before her
mouth opened in what looked like surprise. Her eyebrows arched. “You look…you so
different.”

Itwasn’t until shewas standing directlyin front of meonly a fewfeet away when I

finallyrecognizedher.“Bridget?”

Shenoddedandflashedmeasmallsmile.Ifshe’dbeensmilingwhenshewalkedinI

probablywouldhaveneverrecognizedher.“Ididn’tthinkyou’drememberme.”

BridgethadbeentheclosestthingtoafriendIeverhad,butthatdidn’tsaymuch.Not

beingallowedtospeakinpublicorwithinhearingdistanceofadults,orallowedtospend
muchtimealonewithothersourownage,madeithardtoforgerelationships.Bridgetand
Iwereabletocommunicatethroughsideglancesandeyeshifts,alongwiththeoccasional
hushedwhisperorstolenconversation.

“Ofcourse,Irememberyou.Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked,wrappingmyarms

aroundherandpullingherinforahug.Iwashappytoseeherbut,myhappinessquickly
turned to concern. She was much thinner than I remembered. I could feel her ribcage
pressedagainstme.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Finn who hastily ended his call but kept his

distance, watching our interaction intently. I nodded at him to let him know that all was
wellbuthestilldidn’ttakehiseyesfromus.

Bridget stiffened in surprise and I released my error. The hug. “I’m sorry,” I said,

taking a step back. “I wasn’t thinking.” Hugs weren’t something I’d experienced from
anyone other than my mother growing up. I imagined that Bridget’s life was very much
thesame,ifnotworse.Hermotherbarelyevermadeeyecontactwithanyone.Noteven
her.“ItwasamazinghowquicklyI’dembracedthehugasagreeting.”

“It’s alright. Affection always did come to you naturally. I always watched you put

your hand out or step to close to someone before you’d correct yourself.” she laughed
nervously.Ididtoo.

“Youwereveryobservant.”

Shelookedaroundtheroom.“Itwasn’tlikethereismuchelsetodobutlookwhenno

one thinks you’re looking. Speaking of looks. You look so different than the last time I
sawyou.Atyourmother’sfuneral,”Bridgetsaid,lookingmeupanddownyetagain.

Itwasmoreofacuriositythanacompliment,butIthankedheranyway.

Ituggedonthecutoffhemofmyblackdenimshortswhichbarelycoveredanylegat

all, suddenly feeling very exposed. “Yes, things have most certainly changed for me,” I
said.

“Yes.Ileftafterthat.’

“Ithoughtyouweredead.”

“Why?”

“Because, your father told us you were dead. Killed yourself just like your mother

had.”Shetrainedhereyesonme.“Ididn’tbelievehimforonemoment.Iknewyouwere
strongerthanthat.”

Suddenly it occurred to me that she might not be alone. “Bridget, I’m happy to see

you,butwhyareyouhere?”Iasked,lookingtoFinnwhowasalreadypeekingthroughall
thewindows.“Howareyouhere?”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m alone. They think I’m passing out flyers for the tent service,”

she said, her spine straightening slightly. Her eyes finally meeting mine, if only for a
second.“You’renottheonlyrebeltocomeoutofGod’slightyouknow.”

Ismiled.“Thenwhereareyourflyers?”Iasked,eyeingheremptyhands.

Bridgetsmiledsheepishlyandwhispered,“Itossedtheminthenearestdumpster.”A

small laugh escaped her mouth and she immediately covered it and composed herself
althoughIcouldseehowproudshewasofherdefiance.

Iwasproudofhertoo.

“You’reright.MaybeI’mnottheonlyrebeltocomeoutofthechurch.”Icommented.

“ButashappyasIamtoseeyouagain,Bridget,whyareyouhere?”

“I…came to find you. I overheard some of the elders, including your father, talking

aboutyou.HetoldusallyouweredeadbutIheardhimcorrecthimselftoPastorDimitri.
He told him that you were dead to him. Not like DEAD dead. Then he said you were
nearbyandthat…”

Dread.Puredreadfilledmybody.Ifeltchillsandsweatsatthesametimeasmyentire

beingregisteredthefearmountinginmyheartandmind.

“Andthatwhat?”Isaid,eggingheron,tryingtoremainimpassive.

“Andthatwewouldallseeyouagainrealsoon,”shewhisperedtotheground.

Finnstiffened,butmadenomovetocomeforward.“What…whatelsedidhesay?”I

asked,tryingtocomeoffascalmaspossible.

Bridgetshiftedfromonefoottotheother.“I…”

Anunfamiliarmalevoicecalledtoherfromjustoutsidethewindow.“Bridget,where

didyougo?Bridget,whereareyou?We’vegotworktodo!”

“Ihavetogo,”shesaid,scurryingtowardthedoor.Sheplacedherhandonthehandle.

“That’smyhusband.”

“Husband? Bridget, what husband?” I asked. “You don’t have to go. I can help you.

Youcanstay.I’llprotectyouifyouwanttostay.”

“You were always foolish, Sawyer. You of all people should know better.” Bridget

shookherheadandscurriedovertothedoor,notgivingFinnsomuchasasecondglance
asshepassedhimontheway.Hershoulderswerenowhunched,hereyesdowncast.The
God’sLighttraditionaluniformforwomen.“Noonecanprotectme.”

“Wait!Don’tleave.Whatelsedidyouhavetotellme?”Iasked,feelingthepanicin

mychestgrowing.

Bridget glanced up at me with sympathy in her weary eyes. “Sandy Bennett.

RememberSandyBennett.”

“Bridget where are you!” the voice outside grew louder and angrier. She opened the

doorandtheoutsidelighttemporarilyblindedme.

“Wait,Bridget!!”Icalledagain.ButIwastoolate.

Shewasalreadygone.

CHAPTER13

FINN

LEFT

AWYER

WITH

OSH

THE

BAR

BECAUSE

RITTER

INSISTED

THAT

NEEDED

talk. Maddy, the nurse was with Sawyer’s mother and when I asked if she was enough
securityCritterinformedmethatshewasmoresecuritythanactualnurseandthatheandI
quote‘wouldn’tfuckwithher.’

“Wherearewegoing?”IaskedCritterwhopulleduptheairboatbehindmyshackand

barelysloweddownsoIcouldjumponboard.“Ithoughtyouwantedtotalk?”

“I’mmovingmylipsandsoundscomingout,right?Ain’tthattalking?”Critterspat,

turningtheboatandheadingintotheswampatspeedsthatanyonewhohadn’tgrownup
herewouldn’tdaretry.

“Thatgirlwhocamein.Bridget.Shegaveusaname.Joshisrunningitandlooking

into it. Let’s see where that takes us before we do something that is gonna keep you
separatedfromyourfamilyforanothertwenty-twoyears.”

Critter’sglareburnedaholeinmyskull.“I’vebeenwaitingtwenty-twofuckingyears

forthisbastardtorollonbackintomyswampandyoubestbelieveI’mgonnamakesure
heain’teverleaving.”

“Whatexactlyisyourplanthen?”

“Goodoldfashionedsouthernhospitality,”Critteransweredgruffly.

Shit.

“Andthatmeanswhat?”

“That means I’m gonna shoot his head off his shoulders and then I’m gonna light a

cigar.Maybelater,I’llcelebratewithsomepie.”

“Alright.Goin.Blowhisheadoff.Gotit.Soundslikeahellofaplan.”

“No.Youweren’tlistening.Therewasalsothatbitaboutacigarandpie.”

Irestedmyheadinmyhands.“Critter.Iwantthisassholegoneasmuchasthenext

guy.ButyoujustgotCarolineback.Ifwegetcaughtwe’rerightbackwhereyoustarted
andit’llbeyoupayingthepriceforRichard’scrimes.AGAIN.Don’tlethimwin.Notthis
time.Don’tyouwanttoseeherwhenshegetsbetter?Talktoher?Thenwemustbesmart
about this. I’m not saying that southern hospitality is off the table. I’m just saying that
maybewedon’twanttorushintoachurchandblowthepastorawaywhyhe’spreaching
atthepulpitlikesomedumbassredneckmilitiaoftwo.”

Critter rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic, Karen.” He scoffed. “Ain’t you ever

killed a man before? I’ve served in two tours and I tell ya. It takes a little more finesse
thanjustpoppingacapinhisassorwhateveryoukidssaynowadays.”

“Idon’tknowasinglepersonwhosaysthat,”Igroaned.“ExceptmaybeMiller.”

Critter looked out into the dark waters before us. “I’ve known men like him before.

He’snotgoingtobestopuntiltheyarebackunderhiscontrolordead.Andsinceweknow
he’snotgoingtogethiscontrol…he’sgottago.”Crittersaidwithamixtureofbothanger
andsadness.“He’sluckyheisn’talreadydead,buthewasahardmantofind.Coveredhis
tracks well, hiding behind that church of his. I had several PI’s look into him over the
years.Theycouldn’tcomeupwithshituntilthelastonecamebackandtoldmeRichard
and Caroline were both dead. Car accident.” Critter closed his eyes briefly like he was
remembering a pain that was too much to bare. “I thought she was dead. I thought my
worldwasdead.”Hishandstightenedonthewheel.“NowIrealizethatmyPImusthave
found Richard and that fucker paid him off to feed me false information. That son of a
bitchPIbetterhopehenevercrossespathswithmeagain.”

Wemovedoverapatchofgroundlikeitwaswater.ButwhenIsawthenextpatchin

thedistanceIstoodandsquintedlikeIcouldn’tbelievewhatIwasseeing.

“Shit,”Iswore.Therewassomethinglyingrightinfrontoftheboat.“Stop,Critter!”I

screameddirectinghisattentionattheclumpofhairandfabric.

Critterswervedsharplyandknockedmeintothewater.Iwadedovertothegrassand

pulledmyselfuponlytoseethatthethingwewereabouttohitwasn’tathingatall.

Itwasaperson.SomeoneI’dseenjusthoursbefore.Thesamepersonwho’ddelivered

thewarningthatRichardwashere.

Bridget.

AWYER

Angry.Iwassobeyondangry.

AllIsawwasred.Brightbloodred.

Ontheinside,Iwasacarskiddingtoascreechinghaltonawetroad.Ontheoutside,I

wasafakesoftsmileandelevatormusic.

“Whodidthistoyou?”Joshasked,gently.Therewasalotofsympathyinhervoiceas

she patiently waited for a banged up and bruised Bridget to answer the questions she’d
asked several times already without a single muttered response. “We’re trying to help
you.”Joshcontinued.Shewasinfullcopmode,buthercompassionforthewomaninthe
hospitalbedbetweenussurprisedme.

“Bridget,Itoldyou.Wecanhelpyou.Wecanprotectyou.Lookatme.I’mherearen’t

I? They are keeping me safe. They can keep you safe too,” I reassured her, placing my
handonherarmthatwasn’tinasling.BridgetstaredatmyhandasifIwasburningher.I
jerkeditbackandrubbeditlikeIwasdousingtheflame.

“Notforlong,”shegroaned,heroneeyepurpleandswollenshut.Shewasbangedup

bad, and we had no idea how she’d gotten to be lying in the middle of the swamp but
she’dlive.

Fornow.

“Bridget, if you go back there,” I trailed off, knowing exactly what would happen.

Thiswasawarningforcomingtome.Shecouldhavedied.Theywouldn’thavecared.

MonstersparadingthemselvesaroundasChristians.

WhatifIcould…”Joshstartedwhentwomenenteredtheroom.ThefirstmanIdidn’t

recognizeatall,buthewaswearingthechurchofgod’slightpinonhisshirt.Thesecond
onestayedbehindthedoorintheshadowwithhishatlowonhishead.

“Don’tansweranything,”thefirstmancommanded,comingtostandatBridget’sside.

“Thisismywife.”

“Funny,” Josh said, standing up to reveal her full police uniform. Her badge glinted

under the fluorescent light. She scrunched her lips. “I didn’t hear a ‘thank, God you’re
alright.’ I didn’t even hear a ‘I was worried sick.’ The only thing I did here was you
proclaimingthatshewasyourwifelikeyou’recollectingyourdogfromthepound.”Josh
pointedtoBridget’seye.“Thishowyoutreatyourdog,sir?”

“I’m in shock. That’s all,” the man said, picking up Bridget’s hand awkwardly like

he’dneverdoneitbefore.“Howdareyouaccusemeoftreatingherlikeadog.”

“No,IbelieveIindicatedyoutreatedherlikelessthanadog.”

“Can we talk later, officer,” the word dripped off his tongue in disdain. “I’d like a

momentalonewithmywife.”

“Onlyifit’sokaywithourvictim,”Joshsaidusingthesamestressonthewordvictim.

Bridgetdidn’tmeetoureyesbutnodded.“It’sokay.Thisismyhusband.”

“Bridget,youdon’thavetotalktothem!”IcriedasJoshmovedtowardthedoor.“We

canstay.Youdon’thavetobealonewiththem.Neveragain.”Joshturnedmearoundby
myshouldersandguidedmefromtheroom,shuttingthedoorbehindus.

“We can’t leave her in there with them!” I shouted. “They’re monsters. Look what

theydidtoher!”

“Theyain’tgonnadoshitwithmestandingouthere.”Sheplacedahandonherbelt.“I

gotagunandshit.Whataretheygonnado.Fightmewithsomebullshitprayers?Sawyer,
iftheytouchonehaironthatgirl’sheadandI’llgointheirshootinglikeit’sthewildwild
westupinhere.”Hereyeswerestrongandserious.

“Thankyou,”Isaid,gratefulthatIwasn’ttheonlyonetryingtoprotecther.

“Butthereissomethingyouhavetoknow,”Joshsaid,keepinghereyestrainedonthe

door.

“What?”Iasked.

ShesighedandpointedtothewindowwhereBridget’shusbandwashuddledoverher

bed.“Thatgirlinthereisgonnawalkoutofthishospitalwiththemtonight.”

“No!”Ishouted,feelingsickatthethought.

“Whattheydidtoherwasawarningandshegotthemessageloudandclear.Noteven

ablinkorwinkorshakeofherhandtotellmeotherwise.”

“No…!”Isaid,reachingforthehandle.“Mymotherstayedwiththemanwhotortured

her.I’mnotgoingtostandbackandwatchithappenagain.Ican’tIwon’t!”

Joshpulledmebackandsetmedownonthechairinthehallway.Shecroucheddown

soonlyIcouldhearhere.“Youneedtorealizetheyaren’tallasstrongasyou.”

Thedooropenedandthefamiliarfeelingofdreaddrippeddownmyspineasthemen

walked past me. I couldn’t bother looking up at them. I was too disgusted to give them
thatmuch.“We’llbeback,”Bridget’shusbandsaidalmostcheerily,likehewasbragging.
“Tobringherhome.”

Whenthebellchimedandthedoorsslidopen,bothmenclimbedinside.Beforethey

slidshutagaintheothermanspoke.Theonewho’dlingeredintheshadows.

“Yes.Wewillbeback.Tobringthemhome.”

CHAPTER14

FINN

WISH

COULD

UNSEE

THE

MANGLED

GIRL

LYING

BETWEEN

THE

REEDS

THE

SWAMP

. I

wantedtowashBridget’simagefrommybrainbecauseitwasallIcouldseeexceptevery
timetheimagecametomeitwasn’tBridgetIsawlyingtherebloodiedandbroken.

ItwasSawyer.

Thethoughtmademesick.IhadtopullovertwiceonthewaytoCritter’stopurgethe

thoughtviatheentirecontentsofmystomach.Afterheavingontotheroad,Ibangedout
myfrustrationswithmyfistsonmysteeringwheel.Screamingmyrageouttoabsolutely
noone.

Critter was out back of the bar puffing on his cigar and directing a liquor truck that

wasbackinguptothedoor.

“A little early this morning?” I asked him as the driver of the truck hopped out and

handedhimaclipboardbeforeslidingopenthebackdoorandpullingoutthemetalramp.

“Isit?Ihadn’tnoticed,”Crittersaid.

“Maybe,ifyougotsomesleepyouwould.”

“Toobusythinkin’tosleep.”Hesaid,takingapuffofhiscigar.

I’dknownthemanmyentirelife.Iusedtostealsunflowersfromthefieldaroundhis

housewhenIwasstillindiapers.NeveroncedoIrememberhimappearingtireduntilthat
morning.IwastooyoungwhenSawyer’smotherlefttorememberhowhehandleditall
althoughI’msurehelookedjustastiredthen.

“Anythingyou’dliketosharewithme?”Iasked,hopingthatmaybebytalkingIcould

easehismindabit.

Critterfollowedthedriverampandinspectedtheshipment.Hescribbledhissignature

onthepaperwork,handingitbacktothedriverwhotuckeditawayandstartedunloading.
Critter,neveronetositidlyby,grabbedaboxandfollowedhimintothebar,droppingit
inthestorageareanexttotheoffice.Ifollowedanddidthesame.“Nothingyou’dwantto
hear,”hegrumbled.

“Tryme,”Isaid.

Critter grabbed another box from the truck. I was bending over to grab one myself

whenheturnedtome,droppedtheboxandreachedintohispockettopullouthisphone.
HepressedafewnumbersandheldupthescreensoIcouldseehiscontactspulledupto

someonelistedonlyas911-B.“Whatisthat?Orwhoisthat?”

“This,” he said, tucking the phone back into his jeans, “is a number I could call and

withoneflickofmythumbIcouldhaveRichardDixonwipedoffthefaceofthefucking
planetnowthatIknowwhereheis.”

“Then,whyhaven’tyou?”Iaskedcuriously.

“Becausesheaskedmenotto,”Crittersaid,rubbinghishandonhisface.

“What?”

Critter grabbed another box. “Caroline. Last night she had a moment of clarity. A

longer one than usual. She told me it wouldn’t make me no better than him if I had his
filthy blood on my hands. She made me promise I wouldn’t and now I gotta figure out
howtoputanendtothatsonofabitch’sreignofterrorsomeotherway.”

“We,”Icorrectedhim.“WEhavetofigureouthowtoendit.”

Crittergrunted.“How’sSawyerholdingupafterseeinghimatthehospital?”

“Shekeepssayingshe’sokaybutIknowsheisn’t.Iwouldn’tbeifIwasinthesame

room as the very man who kidnapped her mother, threatened both of their lives, and
tormentedforyears?”Evensayingthewordsmademedownrightmurderousmyself,butI
sawhowCritterwasteeteringontheedgeanddidn’twanttobetheonetotiphimover
andhavehimbreakhispromisetohiswife.

“Yeah, I’m aware of the man’s resume,” Critter snapped. “But thanks for the update

though.It’salwaysnicetohavearefreshercourseinallthingsawfulaboutthemanI’ve
imaginedkillingforacoupledecadesplus.”

“Heain’texactlyonthelistofpeopleSawyerandIwillbeinvitingtoourwedding,”I

saidwithoutthinking.

CritterturnedtomeandshotmeaglarelikeIwastheenemy.Iturnedaroundtomake

sureRichardwasn’tstandingbehindme.“What?”Iasked.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “You serious about that? You thinking of marrying my

daughter?”

I thought about my next words carefully, but the answer was a simple one and it

wasn’tadaytobelyingtoCritter.“Yeah.Yes.”Igrimaced.“Sir?”

“Son…”

“It’ssonnow?”

“Yeah,itis.”Critterpointedatme,wagginghisfingerashespoke.“Son,ifyougoand

hurtmygirlinanywayI’mtellingyourightthisfuckin’secondthatI’llskinyoualive,
feedyourcarcasstomyhuntingdogs,andmountwhat’sleftofyouabovemyfrontdoor
as a warning to others.” He ruffled my hair like he used to do when I was a kid and I
didn’t like it now as much as I hated it back then. I smoothed it back down and Critter
smiled,goingaboutwipingdownthebarandglasseslikehedidn’tjustthreatenmylifein
averyrealandgruesomeway.

“Wow,Critter.It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vegottenagooddad-styletalkingto.Ihaveto

say though, I never expected it from you.” I said, going back to the business of helping
himandthedeliverymancarryintheboxes.

“Well,don’tbeexpectingitagain,‘causethatwasacourtesywarning.You’llonlybe

gettingtheone.”

“Noted.”

“What’s this?” Critter asked when the driver handed him a bottle of whiskey that

hadn’tbeeninanyoftheboxes.Heturnedtheclearbottlearoundinhishands.

Thedrivershrugged.“Iwastoldtogiveittoyoubytheboss.It’sagift.Asamplefor

youtotry.Somethingnewhe’llbetryingtosellyouIsuppose.Notsure.Ijustdeliverthe
booze impregnate my wife and keep paying for these damned kid’s tuition. Not
necessarilyinthatorder.”

“Thanks,Pete.TellMikethisbetternotbenoYankeeshit.ThelastbottlehesentmeI

usedastargetpracticeinmyfield.”

Pete turned the bottle over in Critter’s hand. Taped to the back was a note that said.

NOTYANKEESHIT.

Critterchuckled.

“Southernalltheway,Critter.”Petesaid.Hejoggedoffandclimbedintohistruck.I

followedCritterintotheemptybar.

Heplacedthecigarinhismouthandopenedthebottleofwhiskey,settingdowntwo

glasses.Hefilledthembothoverhalfway.Heslidonetowardme.“It’sawhiskeykindof
morning.”

“I’veneverknownyoutobeawhiskeyforbreakfastkindofman.”

“YoualsoneverknewIwasmarriedandhadadaughter.”

“Goodpoint.”

Critterclinkedhisglasstominewithoutwaitingformetopickmineup.Heemptiedit

intwolargeswallows,slammingitdownonthebarsohardIwassurpriseditdidn’tbreak.

I spun around the glass I’d yet to take a sip from while Critter was already pouring

another.“WhataboutthenamethatBridgetgirlgaveSawyer?”

“SandyBennett.”Isaid.“Joshisonit.Runningthenamethroughasmanyagenciesas

shehasaccessto.

Critterdrainedhissecondglass.Hesighed.“Youknow,fromthesecondIfoundout

CarolineandSawyerwerealiveIhadtoputmyneedtohurtthatmotherfuckersecondto
myneedtowanttocrackhisskullopen.Youknowwhy?Becausefamilycomesfirst.My
girls come first. But unfortunately, Caroline was right. You were…well, sort of right. I
ain’tgoingtoprisonwhenIjustgotmyfamilyback.Iain’tlivingwithoutthemagain.”
Hisexpressionsoftened.“Ican’t.”

Ilookeduptohim.“Igetit,”Isaid,runningmyhandthroughmyhairandblowingout

a breath of frustration. I’d had the same thought myself a thousand times. My chest
panged. I remember the hurt I carried around after Jackie died. Enough to send me into

years of solitude. Critter had known what that felt like and he’d reached out to me but
evenhecouldn’tbreakthroughtome.

“ThewayIseeitisthatyouandIareinthesameboat.We’vebothhadsomehorrible

loses,”Crittersaid,echoingmythoughts.“Ithinkit’saboutdamnedtimewe’reduefora
win.Orabreak.Orsomething.”

Ishookmyheadandtracedmyfingeraroundthetopofmyglass.“It’sinsanehowone

mancouldcauseallthisgrief.Allthisheartache.You’dthinktherewasanarmyofhim
outthere.Orthathewasthedevilhimself.”

Critter rested both hands on the bar and closed his eyes for a moment like he was

wrestlingwithsomething.Whenheopenedhiseyesagainhespokewithmoreconviction
thanI’deverheardhimtalkaboutanythingbefore.“Ihavenewsforyou,”Crittersaid.He
coughedandtappedhischestwithhisclosedfist.“RichardDixonisthedevilhimself.”

Critter’s face paled and his eyes went wide. He started coughing. When it didn’t

subside,Istoodupandroundedthebar.Hewaspoundingonhischestwithhisclosedfist.
HegrabbedthecounterforsupportbutlosthisgripandIcaughthimashefell,lowering
himtothegroundashegaspedforair.Hiseyesglazedover.Ireachedformyphoneina
panic.Mymindnotabletocatchuptotheeventsathand.

“Staywithme,Critter.You’vemadeitthroughsomuchyouwillnotgiveuponme

now,oldman.”

Critterstaredupattheceiling,unfocused.Hiseyesbegantoclose.

The tings overhead fluttered all around the ceiling indicating the door had been

opened.WithmyphonetomyearIglanceduptofindSawyerstandingnexttomelooking
downatCritter.

Shechokedbackasob.“Nooooo!”shecried.

Myheartsank.Forhim.Forher.

Then…hestoppedbreathing.

CHAPTER15

SAWYER

HOSPITAL

WAS

THE

LAST

PLACE

WANTED

AGAIN

SeeingCritter

Critter was strong. Healthy. The most stubborn man I ever knew. But also, the most

caring.Themostloving.Ilovedeverythingabouthimfromhisdeepbaritonevoicetohis
ridiculousmoustache,whichonlyhecouldpulloff.

WhenIwastheretoseeBridget,Iwantedtohelphersaveherself.

WithCritterlyingthere.Hookedtothetubesandmachines.Iwantedtonotjustsave

him,Iwantedtobreathelifeintohim.Iwantedtopoundonhischestwithmyclosedfists
andscreamathimuntilhewokeupandtoldmehewasgoingtobeokay.

Hehadtobeokay.

HAD.TO.BE.OKAY.

Finn stood in the corner talking to Critter’s doctor while I sat by Critter’s bedside,

holdinghishandwithmyheadonhischest.

“Sothat’saboutit,”Thedoctorsaid.I’dbeensoinvolvedinmyowndevastationthatI

hadn’theardawordshe’ssaidtoFinn.

“I’msorry,Idon’tunderstand,whatexactlyareyousaying?”Iasked.“Wasitaheart

attack?”IpickedmyheadupfromCritter’schestbutkeptmyfingerslacedthroughhis.

The doctor looked at me over the rim of her glasses. She tucked her clipboard

underneath her arm. I knew whatever she was about to tell me wasn’t going to be good
sinceFinnwasnowleaningonthewallforsupport.Hisfaceseveralshadespalerthanit
hadbeenwhenwegotthere.

Istilled.Icouldhearmyheartbeatingwhenshespoke.

“Theshortversion?”Thedoctorasked,likeshewasinahurry.

Inoddedandheldmybreath.

“Yourfatherwaspoisoned.”

CHAPTER16

SAWYER

POISONED.

INN

AND

HADN

’

LEFT

THE

HOSPITAL

OVER

TWO

DAYS

SLEPT

UPRIGHT

PROPPED

upagainsteachotherinchairs.Weheldeachotheroutnotjustphysicallybutemotionally.
WewerebeyondtiredandIcouldtellthestresswasweighingonhimjustasmuchasit
wasweighingonme.HelovedCritterlikeafatherandIlovedCritterbeforeevenifhe
wasmyfather.

I found myself mentally chanting please wake up please make up please wake up.

Everytimethemachinebeeped,myhopeswouldsoar,thinkingthatitwasasignhewas
wakingup.

Andeverytimemyhopesweredashedwhenhedidn’t.

“Nomatterwhatwe’regoingtogetthroughthistogether,”Finnsaid.Ilovedhowhe

wastryingtocomfortmewhenhewasfeelingthesamedespairIwas.“Doyouwanttogo
getsomethingtoeat?It’sbeenawhilesinceyou’vehadanything.”

I shook my head. “No. I’m just going to stay right here. With him.” I brought my

kneesuptomychestandwrappedmyarmsaroundmylegs.

“Youknow,staringathimlikealineinthewater,waitingforsomethinghappenisn’t

goingtomakehimgetbetteranyfaster,”Finnsaid,tryingtocoaxasmilefromme.

IkeptmyeyesonCritter.“Ijustwanthimtowakeup.”

“You heard the doctor. He’s got a fighting shot. He strong. He’ll make it through. I

knowhewill,”Finnsaidandeitherhewasareallygoodactororhetrulybelievedwhathe
wassaying.

“Howcanyoubesosure?”Iasked,feelingmyeyesgrowheavierandheavier.Feeling

thelumpinmythroatandheartswellwitheachpassingsecond.

Finn slid out of his chair and knelt before me. “Remember when we had a

conversationaboutfaith?Ibelieveyoutoldmethatthedictionarydefineditas‘thebelief
insomethingbasedonspiritualapprehensionratherthanproof.”

I nodded. Although killed me to tear my eyes away from Critter’s resting body for

evenamoment,IknewIwantedtolookdownatFinn.Ididn’tneedtojusthearwhathe
wastryingtotellme.IneededtoFEELit.

Hegatheredmyhandsinhis.“That’swhyIamsurehe’sgoingtopullthrough.Idon’t

believeinmuch.ButIhavefaithinhim.Thatmanhaswaitedalongtimetobewithhis

family.Trustme.Heain’tleavingyounow.”

“Healwayswasastubbornox.”

FinnandIbothlookedtothedoorwheremymotherwasbeingwheeledinbyMaddy.

“Mo…Hi,”Icorrected.TherewasaclarityaboutherbutIwantedtoveeronthesideof
cautionsoIstopmyselffromcallinghermom.

MaddywheeledheruptoCrittersbedthensteppedoutoftheroom,standingguardby

thedoor.

Withtearsinhereyesmymotherheldoutherhandtome.“Comehere,baby.Comesit

withyourmotherforawhile.”

Ihadn’teverheardmymothersoundthatstrong,thatclear.

Wasthistemporary?Wassheback?Mythoughts,stomach,andmindtumbledtogether

wreakinghavoconmyheartbeat.

For a moment, I just stood there. Staring. Gawking. It was like she wasn’t even the

samewoman.Mymotherwiggledheroutstretchedfingers.“I’vegotyounow.Ipromise.”

It was those words that broke whatever barrier was still holding me back from my

mother.Ifeltanimmediaterushofoverwhelmingelation.Ofpeace.Theinvisiblechainof
our mother daughter bond was being repaired link with every step I took toward her. I
couldfeelitinmybones.

Inmyheart.

FinnsteppedasidesoIcouldkneelnexttomymother,butthatwasn’tcloseenough

forher.Shereachedoverandtuggedonmyarm.“Comehere,”shesaid,pullingmedown
onto her lap. She lifted my feet over the edge of her wheelchair and cradled me like a
baby.Ilostit.Sobbingintomymother’swhiteblouseasshebrushedthehairbackfrom
myforehead.Isobbedoutmyjob.Myfrustration.Myconfusion.Mylove.Shewhispered
tomehowmuchshelovedmeasIgaveherallthetearsI’dbeenholdingbackmyentire
life.

After I’d settled down I stayed there on my mother’s lap and together we watched

Critter’schestriseandfallwiththehelpofthemachines.

“I’llletyoutwohavesometimealone,”Finnsaid,excusinghimself.

Mymotherstoppedhimbeforehecouldgettothedoor.“Areyoutheyoungmanmy

daughterissodesperatelyinlovewith?”Thequestionmademyinsidessmile.Itwasthe
samewayIfeltvisitingFinn’sparents.Like,thiswasthewaythingsshould’vebeenall
along.Withjustafewwordsmymotherwastellingmeshewasnotjustmymotheragain,
butthemothershe’dalwayswantedtobe.

Ifeltstrongerbecauseofher.IwantedtoBEstrongerbecauseofher.

Finn smiled. He appeared completely unaffected by her comment while even my

insideswereblushing.

“Yes,ma’am.Thatwouldbeme.”Finnsaid.“It’snicetoofficiallymeetyou,ma’am.

Although,Iguesswe’vemetbefore.It’sbeenalotofyears.”

Mymothernodded.“Ithasbeenalotofyears.You’vegrownabitsincethelasttime

I’vesawyou,”mymotherteased,buthervoiceremainedsadandheavy.

“Justalittle,Isuppose.”

Icrawledoffmymotherandtookachairnexttoher.Shelinkedherhandwithmine

likeshe’ddoneitamilliontimes.IlookeddownatwhereourhandswereconnectedandI
still couldn’t believe it was all real. “You used to steal her sunflowers,” I said to Finn,
recallingwhatmymotherhadtoldmeduringourfirstconversation.

“Hesuredid,”sheconfirmed.

“Iguessallofmysecretsareoutnow,”Finnsaid,rockingbackonhisheels.

“CritterisveryhappythatyouandSawyerfoundeachother,”mymothersaid,looking

betweenFinnandCritter.

Hewas?

Finn’ssmilewasasadone.“That’snicetohear.Thelastconversationwehadabout

meandSawyerendedwithhimtellingmethathewasgonna…well,wedon’tneedtoget
intoitherelet’sjustsayitendswithmeinparts.”

“He threatened you?” I asked, both shocked and secretly elated that Critter was so

protective over me when he’d known Finn his entire life and had only met me a few
monthsbefore.

“Of course,” Finn said, leaning against the wall. “That’s what good fathers do to

protect their daughters. I’d expect nothing less than the threat of an ass-kicking every
otherweekattheveryleast.”

MymotherlookedovertoCritter.“He’lllivetothreatenanotherday.Becausejustlike

you,Finn,Ihavefaiththatheisgoingtopullthrough.Icanfeelit.”Sheplacedherhand
overherchest.

Finnexcusedhimselfagaintothecafeteriawherehetoldmehewasgoingtogetme

somefoodwhetherIlikeditornot.

“Two-decadesandthisstillisn’toveryet,”mymothersighed.“Butitneedstobeover.

Itneedstoendnow.”Therewasadeterminationinhereyeswhenshesaidoutloudthe
thoughtsI’dbeenthinkingallalong.

MymothercontinuedandIfoundmyselfnoddingalongtoeverythingshewassaying.

Igrewangrierandangrierwitheachsentenceshespoke.“Afteralltheseyearsoneman
hasstillfoundawaytoterrorizethisfamily,despiteallhe’salreadyputusthrough.It’s
still not enough. Keeping me against my will wasn’t enough. Threatening my family
wasn’t good enough. Poisoning my husband…” she paused and composed herself. “It’s
thefinalstraw.I’mtiredofstandingbyanddoingnothing.He’snotgoingtostop.Itwill
neverbeenough.”Hervoicetrailedoff.“Itwillneverbeenoughuntilwe’realldead.”

“And yet there doesn’t seem to be a single thing we can do about it.” I said, my

frustrationsbubblinguptothesurfacealloveragain.

“Or maybe, there is,” she whispered, the corner of her lip turning upward in a half

smile.Shetookadeepbreathandsuddenlystoodupfromherwheelchair.Ileaptup,half-

expecting to have to catch her if she fell. But she didn’t fall. She straightened her
shoulders and walked over to Critter’s beside like a queen ready to take care of the
kingdomwhiletheKingwastemporarilyunable.Sheliftedhishandintohersandkissedit
beforecoveringitwithherotherhand.

Thiswasawomanwhosewill,who’sverybeinghadbeenburnttoashesandyethere

she was, ready to fight for her family. The determination radiating off her was almost
tangible.Ifeltproud.Ifeltmyownresolvetofightbuildfromwithinmealloveragain.

ForthefirsttimeinalongtimeIhadafeelingthateverythingwasokay.Iguessyou

could even say that I had faith. And just maybe it was because of that faith that a deep
voicebellowedfromthebedbehindme.

“Whatinthehellisallthefussabout?”

CHAPTER17

FINN

CAME

INTO

THE

ROOM

FIND

RITTER

AWAKE

AND

ALERT

. H

LOOKED

BETWEEN

CarolineandSawyerthenbackagain.Hesmiled,hismoustacheturningupward.

“Now I told you not to make a fuss,” he groaned, adjusting his position on the bed,

tryingtosituphigher.

SawyerleaneddownandwrappedherarmsaroundCritter.Hershouldersshookwith

herjoy,makingmyownheartskipafewbeatsandthetearspickthebackofmyeyes.

I may have grown up surrounded by these people, but to find out that Sawyer was

relatedtoCritterwasprobablythebestnewsI’deverheard,despitehisthreatstowardme.

Becausenowitwasn’tjustmyfamily.ItwasOURfamily.

“Hey mama. Hey kiddo,” Critter, wrapping one arm around Sawyer and the other

Caroline.

“It’ssobeautiful,man.”

IlookedovertoMillerwhowassobbingatthesight.Tearsstreamingdownhisface.

Stringsofsalivaconnectinghisteeth.

IlaughedbecauseIcouldn’tNOTlaugh.

Josh rolled her eyes and dragged Miller from the room. “Let’s let them have some

time.Youcancometalktohimlater,”shetoldhim.

“Youpromise?”MillersqueakedasJoshleadhimfromtheroomwithawaveoverher

shoulder.

Thedoctorshowedupjustastheyleft.ThesameonewhosawCritteronthefirstday

he was brought in by ambulance. “How are you feeling?” she asked Critter, checking
numbersonamachineabovehishead.

Critter winced as Caroline adjusted his pillow. He continued to wince until he was

settledbackagainstthemagain.

“HowamIfeeling?”Critterrepeated,hisbushyeyebrowsreachingintohisforehead.

“LikeI’minagoddamnedhospital.ButI’malive.So,there’sthat.”

“Youare,”Carolinesaid.“You’rehere.”

“Andsoareyou,baby.”

The looks they were exchanging were so full of love I thought immediately of my

father’s words. Critter and Caroline had that forever factor he spoke about. I looked to
SawyerandIcouldseeourfuturetogether.OurlivesspenthereinOutskirts.IfIhadn’t
known it before I knew it then. Sawyer was always meant to be my forever. And I was
alwaysmeanttobehers.

“I never thought I’d talk to you again,” Sawyer admitted. “When they were carting

youaway…”shepaused.

“SorryIscaredyou,”Crittersaid.“Iwon’tdoitagain.Ipromise.”

The doctor started to ramble off something using words like toxicity, ingesting,

countermeasures,andjustintime.Shefinishedwith,“You’reluckytobealive.”

“Thanks, Doc,” Critter said. “But what the hell happened? Should I worry about it

happeningagain?”

We all stiffened. All of us of course except for the doctor who simply shrugged and

kepthereyestrainedonherclipboard.“Notunlessyouplanonbeingpoisonedagainany
timesoon.”

The room was dead silent as Critter’s eyes slowly widened. His fists curled up into

balls on the bed. The only noise in that room was the echo of the doctor’s heels as she
marcheddownthehall.

AndthesoundofCritter’sbloodboiling.

CHAPTER18

SAWYER

HAD

BEEN

FEW

WEEKS

SINCE

RITTER

WAS

RELEASED

FROM

THE

HOSPITAL

INCE

THEN

Josh was working with my mother and Critter to make their case against Richard. They
didn’t involve me. They said it was best if I knew as little as possible about what they
wereupto.

Finnstillwantedtoskiptown.Istillwantedtostayandbeclosetomyfamily,andI

stillhadtomakesuresomeonewaswithmeatalltimesasasafetymeasure.

AtleastCritterwashomenow.Andwithhimandmymothergettingbettereveryday

(shehadn’tslippedbacktothinkingitwastwodecadesagoatallsincethehospital)Ifelt
relieved. But there was something else nagging me. Something I couldn’t quite put my
fingeron.

Afteralltheeventsofthelastfewmonths,Ifeltutterlyrundown.

I pulled out a chair from one of the tables and sat down, propping my feet up on

another.SinceCritterwasoutspendingtimewithmymother,Joshhadvolunteeredtoput
insomehoursafterherpoliceshift.AsdidFinnwhowasinthebackcleaningdishesand
Miller,whowasoutbacktakingadelivery.

Speaking of which, the delivery man who’d delivered the whiskey they believed

poisonedCritterdisappearedwithhisfamilyandhadn’tbeenseensincethatmorning.

Coward.

“Whydoesittakefourofustodothejobofoneman?”IaskedJoshwhowasrefilling

napkindispensers.

“Iknewthatmanwasamachinebutdamn.Hereallydoesdoitall.”

ItriedtolaughbutIwastootiredtoconjureuptheenergy.

“Youdon’tseemlikeyourselflately.Isityourmother?Critter?”Joshasked.Hergold

bangledbraceletsclankedasshereachedoverandsetherhandontopofmine.Hersmile
wasgenuinebutsad.Linesofconcernwereetchedalloverherusuallysmoothandperfect
face.

I shook my head just as another wave of nausea washed over me. Churning my

stomach,threateningtoforceouteverythingI’deatenthatmorning.Iclosedmyeyesand
tookafewdeepbreathsuntil,thankfully,thethreatsubsided.

I waited a few beats to make sure the feeling was completely gone before I spoke.

“No,it’snotmymotherorCritter.Ijusthaven’tbeenfeelinggreat.IthinkIatesomething
bad.”

“Again? There’s no way someone eats something bad that often.” Josh rounded the

tableandpulledupachairnexttomine.“LikeHOWhaveyounotbeenfeelinggreat?”
Sheasked,scootingherchaircloseruntilherkneeswereagainstmythigh.

“It’snothing,”Isaid,wavingheroff.“I’mjustalittlelightheaded.”Justthinkingabout

throwingupmademewoozy.“butIhaven’tthrownup,”Iadded,likethatwouldmakeall
thedifferenceinmydiagnosis.

“That’s not specific enough, Say.” Josh leaned back and placed her feet on the same

chairasmine.“Whatelsehaveyoubeenfeeling?”sheaskedwithacasualshrug,looking
downathernails.“Don’tleaveanythingout.”

Itookamomenttothink.“Uh…therearesomeotherthings,”Isaidquietly.

“Whatkindofotherthings?”Joshaskedtentimesasloudasifheryellingwouldmake

mespeakup.

IlookedaroundtomakesureMillerandFinnweren’taround.“Things…thingsIdon’t

feelcomfortabletalkingabout.”

Joshnoddedlikesheunderstoodandpulledherfeetfromthechair,leaningincloser.

“What if I list some common symptoms of some things and you just nod or shake your
head?”sheasked.“Wouldthatbeeasier?”

“Icandothat,”Isaid,feelingalotmorecomfortablewithheridea.

“Areyou…soreanywhere?”Sheasked,refillingthenapkindispenseratthetablewe

weresittingat.

Inodded.

“Okay. Do any of those areas include your tender lady areas? You know, breasts?

Vagina?Both?”

Inoddedagain.

“Doyoufeelmoretiredthanusual?”Sheasked.“Nevermind.Icananswerthatone.

It’sayes.Thosebagsunderyoureyesweren’tbuiltinaday.”

Shewasright.“I’mtootiredtofeelinsulted.”

“Doyoufindyourselfmoresensitivetosmellslately?”

“Not that I’m aware of.” I said, adding, “although you sprayed enough of that

disinfectantonthistabletouseitinahospital.”

“Okay,howaboutthisone,haveyouhadyourperiodinthelastmonth?”Joshasked.

Ithoughtaboutherquestionbutcouldn’tgiveadefinitiveanswer.“I’mnotsure.I’ve

neverreallykepttrack.Although,ithasn’tbeenrecently,soit’spossibleIhaven’thaditin
awhile.”

“Likewhat’sawhile?”

“Well, I’ve been here for over three months. I don’t remember getting it since I’ve

beenhere.”Isaid.

Joshlookedatme,turningherheadandnoddinglikeshewaswaitingformetocome

toaconclusionIwasn’tcomingto.“And?Whatdoyouthink?”Iasked.“Flu?”

Josh leaned forward and placed a hand on each of my knees. “Sawyer, do you think

thereisanypossibilitythatyoucouldbepregnant?”

IalmostlaughedasIshookmyhead.“No.It’snotpossible.”

“Whatdoyoumeanit’snotpossible?Don’teventryandlieandsaythatyouandFinn

aren’tbumpinguglies.”Joshcrossedherarmsoverherchest.

“If bumping uglies means what I think it means, then yes. We are. But I can’t get

pregnant.”

“Andwhyisthat?”Joshasked.

“Because Finn and I aren’t married.” As soon as the words left my mouth I realized

how stupid that sounded. I was reciting something I’d been taught at an early age.
Something I never even considered to challenge. Except, if I’d have spent any time
thinking about it at all I would have come to the conclusion I’d just came to in about
twentyseconds.Notonlywasn’tthattrue.Itwasdownrightridiculous.“Iknow,Iknow,”I
groaned.“Ijustrealizedhowstupidthatsoundedtoo.”

Joshlookedlikeshewascontemplatingherwordsasshebittheinsideofhercheek.

She spoke slowly. Cautiously. “Sawyer, I don’t know what you were taught, but it is
possible for a man to get a woman pregnant without them being married. If you don’t
believemejustaskmycousinCorinne.She’sgotababydaddyineverycountyfromhere
toMiami.”

Apitinmystomachbegantogrow.IplacedmyhandsoverwhereI’dunbuttonedthe

top button of my shorts that very morning getting ready for work. I remember blaming
theirsnugnessonshrinkagefromthewrongdryersetting.

“HaveyoueverseenanepisodeofTeenMom?”

“Uh.No.”

“Letmeaskyouthis.DoyouandFinnuseanythingwhileyougetdowntobusiness?”

Joshasked.

Useanything?Likewhat?

I blew out a long-frustrated breath. I felt my skin tingling. A warning of impending

feeling overload. “I don’t know. Are there other things to use besides your…you know?
Yourparts?”

Josh knelt in front of me and pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. She

tapped my leg with each option she listed. “I meant like birth control. Condoms? Pills?
Pullingout?”

“NotthatI’mawareof,”Ianswered.

Josh sighed. “Baby girl, this is my fault. I knew you and Finn were getting closer. I

shouldhavehadthebirdsandbeestalkwithyou.”

“Youusebees?”Iasked,myeyeswidening.“How?”

“Youhavegottobekiddingme!”Joshexclaimed.

“Okay,thatonewasajoke,”Iadmitted.“ButIstilldon’tknowwhatyoumean.”Iwas

tryingtoplayitoff.Tryingtomakeajokeofitall,buttherealitywasthatI’dneverbeen
soembarrassedinmylife.

“It’sjustanexpression.AprettystupidonenowthatIthinkaboutit.”

Igrowled,hatingthatIwasstillsonaiveabouttheworld.IthoughtIwasdoingwell

forsomeonewhodidn’tgrowupinmainstreamUSAimmersedinpopculture.

Iwaswrong.

Iwasembarrassedaboveallelse.

Ofcourse,youcouldgetpregnantevenifyouweren’tmarried.Marriagewasn’tsome

magicfertilityritual.

“Oh,”Isatup.“Imightbepregnant.”

Imightbepregnant.

“It just now occurred to you?” Josh asked, slapping me on the arm with a folded-up

napkin.

“Apparently,I’mslowatcatchingon,”Isaid.

Therecouldbeababyinsideofme.OURbaby.Alifethatdependsonme.Asparkof

whatIcouldonlydescribeasunconditionalloveplanteddeepinsideofmeandwitheach
passing second it grew until I was practically humming with love for this baby I hadn’t
evenknownifIwasreallycarryingyet.

“Ittakestwototango,Sawyer.Finnwastheretoo.”

Yes,hewas.

Uh oh. Finn. What was Finn going to think when I told him that because of my

stupidityIcouldbepregnantwithhisbaby?

AnoddsortofthrilljoltedthroughmeandIfoundmyselffightingasmile.He’dsaid

he wanted kids someday. With me. I took a deep calming breath. Which was perfect
timing because the back door opened and Finn sauntered in, draping his sweat drenched
shirtacrossthebackofhisneckandshoulders.

The second he saw me he knew something was going on. I must have had panic

writtenallovermyface.

“Shit.Whatthehellhappened?”Finnasked.“What’swrong,Say?”Hecrossedthebar

andcroucheddownwhereJoshhadjustbeen.Shestooduptomakeroomforhim,leaning
upagainstthebar.

Icoveredmyfacewithmyhandsbuthegentlypulledthemawayandtippedmyface

upsooureyesmet.Ishookmyhead.EmbarrassedthatevenifIcouldfindthewordsthat

Istillwouldn’tbeabletorelaythemproperly.“Ican’t.Ijustcan’t.”

“Whathappened?”Finnrepeatedhisquestion,thistimetoJoshandinamuchharsher

tone.

Josh didn’t crack joke or even smile. She remained serious, yet calm. Her voice

softeningtoatoneI’dneverheardherusebefore.Icouldtellshewastryingveryhardnot
tomakemefeelworsethanIalreadydid.“Sawyerhasn’tbeenfeelingwell.”

“Still?”Finnasked.“Stomachflu?Cold?I’llruntothegeneralstore.WhatcanIget

you?Orbetteryet,we’lljusttakeyoutotheDoctordownthestreet.Hedoeswalk-in’s.
Comeonelet’sgo.”Hestoodandpulledmeupwithhimashelookedmeoverforobvious
signsofsickness.

IlookedtoJoshforhelp.Pleadingwithmyeyestonotmakemebetheonetotellhim.

IwasbeingacowardbutI’dbeensostronginotherareas.Icouldbombatbraveryatthis
onelittlething.

“Wait,”shesaid,tuggingonFinn’sshirt.“Takeaseat.”

FinnreluctantlysatandIdidthesame.“Issomeonegoingtotellmewhat’sgoingon?”

“Sawyer,doesn’tquiterememberwhenthelasttimeauntflowcametotown,butshe

doesn’tthinkitwasthismonth,”shesaid.“Orsinceshe’sbeeninOutskirts.”

Iwinced.

Finn’sentiredemeanorbecamestone.

Icringedandwaitedforhimtopullhishandsfrommine,buthedidn’t.“Whydidn’t

yousaysomething?”Heaskedgently,givingmyhandsasqueeze.

I felt my face reddening. “I didn’t know. I didn’t think it was possible. I feel so

stupid.”

“Why?”Finnstrokedmyhair.WhenIwenttoputmyheaddownagainhewouldn’t

letme.“Lookatme,Say.”Finnwassmiling,laughingatmywantingtohidemyfacefrom
him.“Whydoyoufeelstupid?Comeon.Lookatme.”

Islowlylookedup.Oureyesmet.“IjustthoughtIwasn’tfeelinggood.”Ipressedmy

lipstogetherandpaused.“AndIdidn’tthinkitwasapossibilitybecause…Ithought…”I
spitthelastwordsoutlikerapidfire.ThefastestsentenceI’deverspokeninmylife.“I
thoughtyouhadtobemarriedtogetpregnant.”EvenIhadtolaughthistime.“See? I’m
stupid.Andtherefore,Ifindmyselftobeveryembarrassedrightnow.”

“Hey,” Finn said, his voice taking on an angry tone. “You’re not stupid and I don’t

want to hear you ever say that about yourself again.” His nostrils flared. He pulled me
frommychairontohislap.

“Josh,canyoudousafavor?Canyougotothegeneralstoreand…”?

“Already on it,” Josh called from the front door where her purse was already slung

aroundhershoulder.“Berightback,”shecalledandthenshewasgone.

“Idon’treallyknowwhattosay,”Iconfessed.“Butitwouldexplainwhytheseshorts

don’tfitanymore.”Ilookeddowntomyunhookedbutton.

Finnsmiled.“We’llgetyousomenewones.”Hissmiledroppedashesnakedhishand

upmythigh.Hemadehiswaytomystomachwherehepushedthematerialofmyt-shirt
upandplacedahandonmybelly.“Ihopeyou’reinthere,”hewhispered.

My heart fluttered in my chest like it grew wings and was trying to escape. That’s

when I realized. I hoped there was someone in there too. A little person that Finn and I
createdtogether.

“IamsorrythoughthatIwassonaive.IshouldhaveknownmorethanIdid.”

Finngrowled.“No.Youdon’tgettobesorry.ThiswasentirelymyfaultbecauseIDO

knowbetter.Idoknowhowallthisworks.Icouldhaveusedacondom.Toldyouabout
pills.ButIdidn’t.”

“Why?Didyouforget?”Iasked.

Finnshookhishead.“No,Ididn’tforget,Say.I’veneverforgottensincethedayIlost

myvirginityatsixteen.Notonesingletime.”

“Idon’tunderstand.”

“Webelongtogether,Say.Theideaofyoupregnantwithmykidis…everything.IfI’d

haveknownyouweren’tawareofwhatcouldhappen,Iwouldhavetalkedtoyouaboutit.
That’sonme.ButIstilldon’tregretit.Notonebit.”

“So, what you’re saying, is that this is all your fault?” I asked, looking up into his

handsomeface.Ireachedoutandcuppedhisfaceinmyhand,hisstubblescratchingthe
insideofmypalm.

Finnlaughedandheldmetighter.“No.Thisisnobody’sfault.Idon’twanteitherofus

tothinkofitthatway.Ifwe’rehavingababyit’ssomethingtocelebrate.Thisisfate.This
isus.”

IexhaledandrelaxedagainstFinnwhokissedmyforehead.“Iloveyou,”Isaid.

Finnmurmuredagainstmyhairandhiswordsshotstraightthroughtomyverycore.

“Fiercely.Possessively.Crazily.Always.”

Joshcamebackinrecordtimewithabagofseveraldifferentbrandsofpregnancytests

beforegettingacallaboutastrandedvehicleandhavingtoleave.

FinnstayedinthebarwhileIwasinthebathroom,carefullyfollowingtheinstructions

onthebackofeachbox.

WhenIcameoutofthebathroomFinnsetthetimeronthestoveforthreeminutes.He

pulled me against him and whispered reassurances against my forehead as we waited.
Whenthetimerdingedhelookeddownatme.“Doyouwantmetocheck?”

I nodded. He was in the bathroom for longer than it would take to glance down and

countthelines.

“And?”Icalledout.

Finally,afterwhatseemedlikeeons,Finnemergedwithahugesmileonhisbeautiful

face.Tearsinhisblueeyes.Hestalkedovertomeandliftedmeupintheair.“Baby?”he
asked,plantingkissingacrossmyeyelidsanddownmycheeks.

“Yeah?”Iasked,breathlessly.

Finn’ssmilegrewevenwider.Helookeddeeplyintomyeyesandwhispered,“We’re

havingababy.”

“Weare?”Thehappinesswarmedmybodyfromtheinsideout.Iwastinglingallover.

FinnandIhadcreatedlife.

Together.

CHAPTER19

SAWYER

HERE

SOMETHING

ABOUT

IMPENDING

MOTHERHOOD

THAT

CREATES

SHIFT

WITHIN

YOU

Ashifttowardthefuture.Italsobringsoutthemostprotectivepartsofyou.Ispentevery
wakingmomentthinkingofhowbesttoprotectthisbaby.

I’d gone to the doctor with Finn shortly after I’d taken all the tests. The doctor

confirmedIwasmorethantwoandahalfmonthsalongwhichmeansI’dprobablygotten
pregnantimmediatelyafterFinnandIhadgottentogether.IfI’dhavefoundoutanylater
it would have been my belly that would have tipped me off. It was like the second we
foundoutIwaspregnantitpoppedoutlikethebabygotwordweknewanditwasokayto
showpeoplenow.

Which reminded me of the other thing is something else impending motherhood

changes.

Ittakesyourcurrentpatiencelevelandshredsit.

Iwasonedgelikeneverbefore.

Iwasinthelibrarytryingtowritetoeasemymind,butonlytwowordscametome.

Protect.Defend.

Iwasn’tarealpoetbyanymeans,butevenIknewthattwoorthreewordsstillwasn’t

enoughtostringtogethersomethingthatmadeanysense.

FrustratedwithwritingIgaveup.

IdecidedtoreadthepoemTheCagedBirdbyMayaAngelou.

EachtimeI’dreaditinthemonthsI’dbeeninOutskirtsI’dfelteithersadorangryor

powerful,dependingonmymood.

Ireaditagainandagain.

Nothing.

Isighedandclosedthebook.Ireachedforaragandbegantocleantheoutsidelayer

of dust from the tattered cover. I might as well get some work done if I couldn’t
concentrateonanythingelse.

Maddy was standing guard outside. Since my mother didn’t require full time care

anymore she volunteered to stay with us and help protect us until this business with
Richardwasover.

Ifitwaseverover.

Ireallywantittobeover.

Thebellsabovethelibrarydoorchimed,pullingmefrommyinnerthoughts.Maddy

peekedherheadinsidethedoor.“Joshcalled,saidthisonewasonhisway.”

“Thank you,” I said, grateful that she decided to stay on with us although I found it

oddshestillworeherpinksmileyfacescrubs.

InwalkedayoungthicksetmanwhoI’dneverseenbefore.Hewasinhisearlythirties

andnomorethanfiveandahalffeet.Thegleamfromtheoverheadlightsshoneoffhis
completelyhairlesshead.Hisclean-shavencheekswereasroundastherestofhim,giving
himanadditionalairofyouth.Thesleevesofhisuntuckedwhiteshirtwererolledupto
hiselbows.Thecollarstainedwithsweat.

He looked around the room from the walls with a curiosity and wonderment in his

eyes.HewasadorableinawayIneverthoughtanadultmancouldbe.

Ipaintedasmileonmyfacetocovertheworry.“Hello.We’renotquiteopenjustyet.

Butfeelfreetolookaround.CanIhelpyouwithsomething?”Iasked.

Themanlookedatmeandinstantlysmiled,showingofftwobrightwhitefrontteeth

that were slightly longer than the rest. His voice was smooth and high-pitched, almost
feminine.“Whyhellothere,cutie-pie.O.M.G.Iloveyourhair.Sofierce.Iwanttoscalp
yousoIcanmakemeawigoutofit.”HelookedattheconfusionIcouldfeelwrittenall
overmyface.“Andyes,thatwastotallyacompliment.”

“Thankyou?”Irespondedtothisoddyetwonderfullystrangeman.

“I am Wilfredo,” he said, holding his hand to his chest, bowing at the waist. “My

friendscallme…Wilfredo.”

Icouldn’thelpbutchuckle.Hispersonalitywashugeandtookupmostofthespacein

mytinylibrary.“I’m…”

“Sawyer, I know. Joshy-boo told me. She said you reopened the library so I had to

come check it out for myself.” He looked around from shelf to shelf, running his hands
across the spines of the once dusty books that between Finn and myself were nearly all
clean and restored into lendable condition once more. “Bravo, my dear. Well done. This
placedoesn’tlooknearlyascondemnedasitusedto.”

“Areyoufromhere?”Isettingdownthebookofpoetryonthetable.

Wilfredo nodded. “Born and raised in the mud, but I moved out to California a few

years back after meeting the man of my dreams online.” He blinked rapidly and looked
wistfullyintothefluorescentlightsoverhead.

“Sounds romantic,” I commented, finishing wiping off the book and setting it on its

usualspotontheshelf.

“Yeah,” he sighed dramatically. “It was. Until I got out there and alas, my Justin

Bieberlook-a-likewasalotlessBiebsandalotmore…LyleLovett.”Hescruncheduphis
nosesoItookitasabadthing.

“That’sashame.”

“Notreally.Imaynothavefoundmydreamman,butIfellinlovewithCali.Beenout

thereeversince.Whataboutyou?Joshsaysyouhaven’tbeenheretoolong.Howareyou
likingourlittlebackwardstowninthemiddleofnowhereUSA?”

“Actually, I love it here,” I said, but the feelings that normally came with that

statementwerenowheretobefound.“It’shome.”

“Yeah, I get it. I want to hate this place, I really do. But it really is a great town.”

Wilfredo pulled out a chair and sat down, fanning himself with a yellow pamphlet. He
chuckled.“Imean,ifthehomopopulationeverincreasedfromsay…one,andbyoneIdo
mean THE one, being me, then I’d move back here in a heartbeat. Living with my
beautiful ripped swamp-boy in overalls. Watching him de muck things or pick up heavy
things, or whatever it is they do around here that could be sexy if I think about it hard
enough.”Hesmiled.“I’dbelivingmyownlittlegayredneckfantasy.Ah,thatwouldbe
thelife.”

Ilaughedandsatdownacrossfromhim.“IthinkIlikeyou,Wilfredo.”

“Ilikeyoutoo,Sawyer.So,what’syourstory?HowdidyouendupinOutskirts?”

“It’saverylongstory,”Isaidwithasigh.

“Givemetheshortversionofyourlongstory.I’vegottime.MysisterisstillattheDr.

Maloy’sdowntheroadgettingherlastcheckupbeforethebabyisborn.That’swhyI’m
back in town. To spoil my new niece and nephew. The newest members of my sister’s
ever-growinglitterofhumancubs.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thankyou.Now,backtoyourstory.Short-version.Go.”Hesnappedhisfingersand

closedhiseyes.

“Well,” I thought for a moment on how to shorten my story and not drag my new

friend into the heaviness of my life. I liked having someone new ask me about my
relationshipwithFinnitremindedmethatwewerestillnew.Itwaslikehavingasecret
thatonlyIgottodecidehowmuchorhowlittleofusIwouldsharewithothers.

“IneededachangesowhenIfoundoutthatmymotherownedlandhereIdecidedthat

Iwantedtocomecheckitoutformyself.ItookheroldcamperandtruckandI’vebeen
hereeversince.”

“IhaveafeelingyourshortversionisliketheCliffsNotesoftheCliffsNotesofyour

story.”Wilfredowipedthesweatbeadinguponhisforeheadwithahandkerchieffromhis
pocket.

Ileanedforwardandwhispered.“Iwouldsayyou’reright.”

“Yougotyourselfaman,Red?”Wilfredoasked.“Iknowthepickingsareslimaround

herebut…”hepausedwhenhesawmyhanddroptomyburgeoningbabybelly.

Hegasped.“Spillgirl.Whoishe?”

“If you’re from here then you probably know him,” I said, biting my lip. “Finn

Hollis?”

Wilfredo’s mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. He squealed so loud I had to

covermyears.Hethenhurriedlymadeabackwardsignofthecross.“SweetbabyJesus,
youbaggedthelordoftheswamp?”

“Uh,he’s.Well,We…”

“Heknockedyouup.OMGIwouldKILLforthatmantoknockmeup.”Heheldout

hishand,palmsidefacingme.“No,mysweetredone,notanotherword.Ijustneedtosit
hereandletallthissexinesssinkinforamoment.”Heclosedhiseyescontinuingtofan
himselfwiththepaperturnedfaninhishanduntilhisphonerang.“That’smysisterI’ve
gottohelpherbackintothecarbeforeshetipsover.”Heremovedhislegsfromthetable
andstoodup.“ItwasnicetomeetyouSawyer,IhopetoseeyouagainbeforeIgobackto
Cali.”

“I’dlikethatverymuch.”Isaid,andImeantit.Wilfredobroughtwithhimabright

lightIwouldn’tmindhavingaroundmoreoften.

“AreyoustillworkingatCritter’s?”heasked.“Joshsaidyouguyswerehelpinghim

outabit.

“Yeah,suream.Dinnershifttomorrowifyouwanttocomeby.”

“I’ll be there!” Wilfredo looked down at the paper in his hands like he was just

rememberingsomething.Hesetitdownonthetable.“Here,Ialmostforgot,thiswasin
yourdoorwhenIgothere,butI’vebeenusingittofanmyself.It’sashotasthebowelsof
hellinthistown.Iguesssomethingsneverchange.Seeya,Sexy,Sawyer!Takecareof
thatbaybay!Seeyoutomorrow.SavemeaplaceundertheSandyBennett.”

DidhejustsaywhatIthinkhejustsaid?

The bells above the door chimed again. Wilfredo was gone just as quickly as he

appeared.Blowingthroughlikeamulticoloredtumbleweedoffun.

IwasrollingaroundhiswordsinmyheadwhenIwenttotosstheflyerWilfredohad

handedme.I’djustreleaseditintothetrashwhenmyheartseized.

Itwasn’tjustafanoraflyer.Itwastheeflyer.TheoneforGod’sLight.

Ashiverofdreadrippledthroughme.Thesharpspikeofdreadpinchedmyspine,the

oneI’dalwaysfeltwhenmyfatherwasnear.

Icoveredmymouthinasilentscreamasmybloodrancold.Myheadspun.Itwasn’t

theflyeritselfthathadmeholdingontothetableforsupport.Itwasthenoteontheinside,
handwrittenovertheprintinthickbrightredink.

Likemotherlikedaughter.-Ezekiel16:44

CHAPTER20

SAWYER

THE

ANIMAL

KINGDOM

WHEN

MOTHER

FEELS

HER

YOUNG

DANGER

SHE

DOES

whateverittakestokeepthemoutofharm’sway.Evenifthatsomethingseemsridiculous
orillogicaltoanyoneontheoutsidelookingin.

Evenifthatmeanssacrificingherownlifefortheirs.

Agiraffewilltrytowardoffahungrypackoflionsbykickingandattacking.

The usually docile elephant will suddenly and aggressively charge at a human for

gettingtooclosetoherbabywhileitdrinksfromastream.

Analligatorwillcarryitsyounginitsmouthforuptoayeartokeepthemsafeand

makesuretheywillsurvivetoadulthoodatallcosts.

Abrownbearwillraisehercubsnearpopulationsofhumans,theirbiggestenemy,to

wardoffadultmalebearswhoareknowntokillcubswhoaren’ttheirs.

Human mothers are very much the same. We are animals after all. Our very nature

screamsatustoprotectatallcost.

Callithormones.

Callitinstinct.

It’snature—writteninourveryDNA,itsurfacesoncewebecomemothers.Wewill

doimpossible,sometimescrazythingstokeepourchildrensafe.

But what those on the outside don’t understand is sometimes that kind of protection

comeswithawholelotofcrazy.Becauseifcrazyiswhatittakestoprotectmychild.

Thensobeit.

IfitcamedowntoitI’dbethegiraffechargingatthelion.

WhichwaswhyIfeltaneeriesenseofcalmwashedovermeasImademywayover

to Critter’s Bar and scanned the thousands of picture frames covering the walls. When I
didn’tfindwhatIwaslookingforIdraggedoutaladderfromthestoreroomandbeganto
readeverysingletinghangingfromtheceiling.IttookmeanhourbeforeIfoundwhatI
waslookingfor.Twotings,withstringsalittlelowerthanalltheothers,hangingdirectly
abovethebigcornertableinthebackcornerbythewindow.

HAD

adatewithSandytonight.Ithinkshe’stheone.

-Bennett

HIS

MIGHT

downastheworstdateinhistory.

-Sandy

KNOWING

what I was searching for I stood on my tip toes and poked my fingers

aroundontherafters.Sureenough,sittingonthetopoftherafterbetweenthetwotings
was a cell phone. I turned it on and almost fell off the chair at what popped up on the
screen.

“Whatareyoudoingupthere?”Finnasked,ashecameinthedoor.Hegrabbedmeby

the legs and lifted me off the chair. Gently setting me on my feet. “You could hurt
yourself.”

Iheldupthephone.

“Whatisthat?”heasked.

Knowing that what I just saw could change everything when it came to Richard, I

handed it over to Finn carefully like it was a precious stone although in my eyes it was
muchmorevaluable.“IthinkIjustfoundSandyBennett.”

CHAPTER21

FINN

WAS

GOING

FATHER

. I

WAS

ALREADY

LOVE

WITH

CHILD

THAT

I’

NEVER

evenmetyetbecauseitwasmine.

Evenbetter,itwasours.

Which was why I had to have patience and standing there on the Brillhart County

fairgroundsunderthetentwasprovingtotakeeveryounceofpatienceIhadandmore.

ThereIwas.Standingbesideanopententflap,lookingrightatthemanwe’dallspent

waytoomuchtimefearing.Hating.Icouldn’tsaythatIwasnervous.ItwasmorelikeI
was nervous for him. He was only a few feet away. All I had to do was close the flap,
reachacrossthedeskandwrapmybarehandsaroundhis…

“CanIhelpyou?”Richardasked,finallyacknowledgingmypresence.

ThismanhadlaidhandsonSawyer.

He’dhurther.

He… I had to stop thinking about it before my plan crumbled before my eyes and I

wounduptheoneinjailformurder.

RichardwasshorterthanIthought.Smallerthanthehugepersonathatprecededhim.I

imagined him to be huge. Muscular. Menacing. This guy was five foot nine at best. He
wasn’talargeman.Iwouldevengosofarastocallhimskinny.

“Yes,Ithinkyoucan,helpme”Ifinallyanswered.“Iwantedtoknowmoreaboutthe

church.Isawyourflyers.”

“Whatwouldyouliketoknow?”heasked.“Doyoucurrentlybelongtoachurch?”

I shook my head and looked around the bare office space. “No, I don’t. Unless you

considerbeingdraggedtoEasterandChristmasMassbymyparentseveryyearasakidas
belongingtoachurch.”

“Idonot,”Richardsaidsternly,takingoffhisreadingglassesandpolishingthemon

thesleeveofhiswhitebutton-downshirt.

Richardlookedupandgavemeaquickonceoverwithhisbeadylittleeyes.Icould

seemydismissalwrittenalloverhisface.Heputhisglassesbackonandpickedupapen,
dropping his head back down to his work. “Service is three times a day. The times are
postedontheboardoutsidemyoffice.Therearesomeflyersaswellifyou’dliketotake

one.WeareonlyhereforthesummerbutwehaveahousingunitinNorthCarolinawhere
our main church is located if you wanted to come back with us and see what it’s all
about.”

That was his pitch? This church was his entire life and THAT was his pitch? Miller

couldhavedoneabetterjob.

“Ialreadyhaveaflyer,”Isaid,wavingaroundtheyellowpieceofpaperinmyhand.

“But you see, I need more than just the service. I’ve been feeling a little lost lately. I’m
lookingforsomereal-lifeguidancethroughGod.”

“How so?” Richard asked, sounding annoyed. He kept checking his watch for the

time.Heneveraskedmetotakeaseat.

“I recently lost someone close to me. Actually, it wasn’t recently. It was a couple of

yearsago.But,Ican’tseemtomoveon.WhenIheardyouwerecomingtotownIsought
youout.IneedtoknowGod’splanforme.”

Richard shook his head. “We all need God son. If you’d like, you can sign up for

counselingwithPastorMaryn.He’soverbythetentsettingupfortheafternoon.He’llbe
more than happy to help you.” Richard said, holding his hand out to the flap, furthering
mydismissal.“Ilookforwardtoseeingyouattheservice.”

Shit.

Itwasn’tgoinghowI’dexpectedittogo.Thesafetyofmyentireworldwasatstake.I

neededtokeephiminhereforaslongaspossible.Atleastforanotherfewminutesorso.

TimeforPlanB.

Iwasnervous.DamnedneardesperatewhenIturnedbacktowardRichard.“I’msorry

Itookupyourtime.It’sjustthatIhavealotoftimeofmyownonmyhandsnowthatmy
land holdings company has a new management team. I’ve got nothing but time to think
andmoneytospend,butnoonetospenditonanymoreItallseemscheap.Carshouses
things.I’dmuchratherspendmoneyonthingsthatmatter.Likemysoul.”Ipushedopen
the door. “Does Pastor Maryn also handle the donations? Never mind. I’ll talk to her
myself.Iseethatyou’rebusy.Haveagoodafternoon,sir.”

“Son,whydon’tyoucomebackandsitawhile,”Richardcalledout.

Istifledalaughbeforeturningbackaround.

“Sorry,Iwassodistractedbefore,”Richardsaid,pushinghispaperstotheside.“How

aboutyoutalkandI’lllisten.Then,maybewewillseeifGodcandirectustohisgrand
planforyou.”

Richard gestured to the chair in front of the desk the same way he’d gestured to the

dooronlysecondsbefore.

I took a seat. “Thank you. I really appreciate this,” I said as genuinely as I could

althoughthewordsImmakillyou,motherfuckerwaswhatwasreallyrunningthroughmy
head.

“Tellmeagain.Whydoyouhaveallthistimeonyourhands?”Richardasked,resting

hiselbowsonthedesk,hisindexfingerspressedtogetherintheshapeofasteeple.

Itwasalmosttooeasy.Money.Hewantedtotalkaboutmymoney.

I spent a while spewing bullshit to him. For the most part, he listened and nodded.

Occasionallyhe’drecitesomethingfromthebibleIknewdidn’tmeanwhathethoughtit
meant.JustbecauseIdidn’tchoosereligiondidn’tmeanIwasignorantofit.Afterawhile
heaskedmeaboutmyfamily.

“My parents moved away a while ago. I don’t see them much anymore. We don’t

reallygetalongwell.”

OneofmanyliesItoldhimthatafternoon.IthurtmetolieaboutthemwhenIdon’t

thinktherewasatimeI’deverthoughtbadaboutmyparents.Idon’tthinktheymisseda
single one of my baseball games or practices. They were there. Physically and
emotionally.Parentswise,Ihitthelottery.

IstaredatRichard.

Othersweren’taslucky.

“Whydidn’tyougetalongwithyourparent’sson.NexttoGod,familyiswhat’smost

important.”

Bullshit.

“Ican’treallypinpointwhereitallwentwrong,”Istarted,droppingmyheadintomy

hands for a bit of dramatic effect and mentally thanking Mrs. Doogan, my high school
guidance counselor, for convincing me to take that semester of drama as one of my
electives.Iliftedmyhead.“DoyouhaveafamilyPastor?”

Richardnodded.“I’mawidower,butIhaveadaughter.”

“I’msorryaboutyourwife,”Ioffered.

Eventhoughshe’sALIVE.WhichIwashopinghehadnoideaabout.

“We all have our fair share of problems, son. My wife and I weren’t always on the

same page. My daughter is going through a rebellious phase. Even with my guidance,
she’slostherway.”

“Again,I’msorrytohearthat.”

Richardwavedmeoff.“Don’tapologize.I’mveryverycertainthatshe’llfindherway

backtoussoon.”Hecrossedalegoverhisknee.“Onewayoranother.”

Likehellshewill.

“Andifshedoesn’t?”Iasked.

“That’snotanoption,”Richardsaidinaveryserioustone,lookingdownathishands.

“Defianceisneveranoption.”heclearedhisthroatandlookedbackupatmeandsmiled.
“NotwhenitcomestoGod.”

Richardstoodupandwalkedbehindme.Hepeeredouttheplastictentwindowthen

loweredtheflapfortheshadecastingtheroominamutedlight.“Ihaveaserviceinafew
moments.Oneofourverylastforthesummer.I’msorryIcan’tgiveyoumoretime.But
tell me this. Do your real problems lie with your relationship with your family or your

relationshipwithGod?Or…”Hewalkedbackaroundthedeskandleanedoveritwithhis
hands flat on the top. His eyebrows pointed inward. A twisted cruel smile pulled at his
lips.“Or…isitawomanwhohasyouseekingoutHISholyplan?”

“Well,”Istarted,abouttospewsomemorebullshitaboutamade-upproblemwhenhe

interruptedme.

His voice took on an entirely different tone. This time it was low. Bitter. “Because I

thinktherealproblemmightstemfromyoursins.Specifically,yourfornication…withmy
daughter.”

Ialmostlaughed.“Theysaidyoukneweverything.I’msurprisedittookyouthislong

tofigureoutwhoIwas.”

Just then the feedback of a microphone pierced through the speakers in the big tent

nextdoor.Sawyersvoicewascomingthroughloudandclear.

IsmiledupatRichardwhostoodstraightandappearedconfusedashedartedforthe

door.Istoodinfrontofhim,blockinghisway.“Actually,fornicationwithyourdaughter
isn’taproblematall.Consideringshe’snotyourdaughter.”

Richardfumedashemarchedpassedmeintothebigtentbutcametoahaltwhenhe

sawSawyerstandingatthefrontoftheroomaddressingthehugecrowdthathadgathered
fortheservice.

Sheheldupthe‘SandyBennett’cellphone.

Hewasjustintime.

CHAPTER22

SAWYER

HERE

’

CERTAIN

AMOUNT

FEAR

THAT

COMES

WITH

ANY

KIND

PUBLIC

SPEAKING

Yet,asIwalkdowntheaisleunderthetent,surroundedbythekindpeoplethatwerein
mydailylifefortwenty-oneyears.Ifeltnofear.

None.Maybebecausethiswaswhatwasfamiliartomeforsolong.

Mypalmsweredry.Mybreathswereeven.

Ifeltpowerful.Strong.

Andreadytofacemydemonsheadon.

Maybe because my child growing in my stomach was giving me a new sense of

bravery I’ve never known before. Maybe because I was about to say words that I’ve
wantedtosayforsolongtosomanythatmyexcitementoutweighedmyfear.

Critter, Maddy, and Miller were manning the entrances and exits. Josh stood next to

meinherpoliceuniformlookingeverybitthepartoftheangrycop.Herjobwastoalso
makesurethatIwasnotinterrupteduntilIhadsaidallIhadtosay.

Thetentwasfull.Everyavailableseathadabodyinit.

Whenwereachedthepodium,Joshleanedoverandgrabsthemicrophone“Ladiesand

gentlemen,” she said, “we have a quick public safety presentation for you before your
servicestartstoday.Weapologizefortheinterruption.Pleaselistencarefullyandwillbe
outofyourwayassoonaspossible.Thankyou.”

Joshnoddedtome.Itwasmyturn.

Ilookedoveraseaoffaces.Somefamiliar.Somenot.

“My name is Sawyer Dixon,” I started. However, I pause when I saw my father

standinginthebackcornerofthetentstaringatmelikehe’dseenaghost.Ididn’tthink
I’d be able to find the words to continue because my heart was beating so loud I didn’t
knowifIcouldhearmyownvoice.

AsIbegantospeakRichardpushedhiswaydowntheaisleJoshmethiminthemiddle

andshookherheadblockinghimfromgoinganyfurther.

“Likealotofyou,Igrewupinthischurch.Justlikemymother.Everysingledayof

mylifelivedinfearthatmyfatherwouldkillmymother.Ifearedthathewouldkillme.I
fearedthathewouldn’tkillusandwewouldhavetokeeponlivingthesetorturouslives

forever.Herepeatedlybeat,raped,andstarvedmymother,tothepointwhereshecouldn’t
goonanddecidedtokillherself.”Itookadeepcalmingbreath.

“And for a while I was so mad. I didn’t know why I was so mad until I realized I

wasn’treallymadatheratall.Iwasjealous.JealousthatshefoundawayoutandIwas
stillthere.

Iwasnowtheonebeingbeatenandtolditwasdiscipline.Iwasthreatenedandtoldit

wasGod’swordorGod’splan.Iwasdeprivedoflovebecauseinthischurchawoman,a
girl, we are deemed unworthy of love. We are starved affection. We are so beneath the
menthatwecan’teatatthesametableormakeeyecontact.Yet,myfathercontinuedto
preachfamilyfirstwhilesuckingthelifeforcefromuswitheachpassingsecond.

“Liar!Youhavenoproof!”myfathercalledout,shakinghisclosedfistintheair.

“Simmerdown,”Joshwarned.Placingherhandonhergunholster.“She’sgettingto

thatpart.”

The audience began to speak to one another in hushed whispers. My eyes fell on a

youngwomanintheaudiencestandingintheback.

Bridget.

IgavehersmileandshelookedasthoughIwasonsuicidemission.

I strained my shoulders glanced over to Finn, then Miller, and then finally my real

father.

Critter.

Wholookedangry,yetproudfromwherehestoodontheoppositeendofthetentfrom

Richard.

Itfeltgoodtohavehimwitnessthis.Itfeltgoodtobeuptheresayingthethingsthat

I’dbeenthinkingneededtobesaidmyentirelife.

“Someone told me recently that it doesn’t matter what your religion believes in

regardless of how silly or stupid it may seem to others. What matters is what you take
fromit.Howitmakesyoufeel.NothingaboutRichardorthischurchhasevermademe
feelbetterorlovedorwiser.Orkinder.”

UnderthepretenseofloveRichardteacheshate.

“Alllies.Don’tlistentoher.She’sadeflector.Sheleftthechurch.Thisisthedevil’s

work. All of it!” Richard yelled. His face turning red with his anger. And just like he’d
alwaysdonewithme…

Idismissedhim.

Inmyheart.Inmymind.

Inmylife.

Hewasnotimportantenoughtoacknowledge.Tolookmeintheeye.

So,Imovedon.

“I’m not going to tell you again.” Josh warned, moving to stand right in front of

Richard.

“I’venevercomeforwardbeforebecauseIhadnoproof,nothingtobackupwhatI’m

tellingyoutoday.”IgrabbedthecellphonefrommybackpocketandlookedtoMillerin
thebackoftheroomwhogavemethenodtogoahead.

“But I left and found a new home. A new family. Things have changed.” I thought

aboutthechildgrowingmybelly.“Everythinghaschanged.”

Thecrowdagainbegantospeaktooneanotherinhushedwhispers.

Ipressedplayonthephone.

ThelightfromtheprojectorMillerhadinstalledthenightbeforecametolifeonthe

tent wall behind me. The audience gasped as the first clip from the phone showed
Bridget’sownhusbandpushingherheadintothediningroomtablewhileyellingatherfor
accidentallymakingeyecontact.ThesecondclipwasofRichardanditlookedasifitwas
taken through the window of our house on the second story. Richard was straddling my
mother on their bed. It was hard to watch. I felt helpless then and watching it made me
feeljustashelpless.

Iturnedaroundtofacethecrowdtogaugethereactionsinsteadofwatchingthevideo.

Mostofthemhadtheireyeslockedonthescreen,flinchingwiththewomenonthewrong
endofwrath.

Clipafterclipshowedhighrankingmembersofthechurchalldoingmuchthesame.

WhenthevideowasoverJoshalreadyhadRichardincuffsandwasleadinghimaway.He
screamedoverhisshoulder,“ThedevilhaswonthisroundbutGodWILLprevailinthe
end.”

“That’sthething,”Isaid.“AllofthiswasdoneundertheguiseofGodanddiscipline.

I don’t know what kind of God would look at these videos and think that is properly
representedhiswill.Andifthat’sthekindofgodyouchoosetobelievein,it’snotagodI
wanttoknow.”

“I’mproudofyou,”Finnsaidleadingmeawayfromthepodiumunderneaththetent

flapbehindthepodiumtheoppositedirectionofthecrowd.

Assoonaswewereontheothersidesomeonesteppedintoourpath.Itookastartled

stepback.Finnpushedmebehindhisbody.Hisentirebodystiffenedashereadiedhimself
togoontheoffense.

“It’s just me. Bridget.” I peeked out from around Finn and he stepped aside. I

approachedherlikeIwouldasmallchildwhomighteasilyscare.

“Thankyouforleavingusthatphone.”

Bridget kicked at the dirt. “No, thank you for using it. I stole it years ago. Been

sneakingaroundtakingvideoshereandthere.NeverreallyknewwhatIwasgoingtodo
withthemorhowIwasgoingtogetpeopletoseethem.It’smewhoshouldbethanking
you.”

“Doyouneedaplacetogo,Bridget?”FinnaskedusingthesamesofttoneIwas.

Sheshookherhead.“Myhusbandwascartedoffaswell.IthinkI’mgonnabeokay.

GonnagobacktoNorthCarolinaandransackthehouse.TakeanythingofvalueandI’m
goingtotakeapagefromyourbookand…escape.”

There was an excitement. A life in her voice that hadn’t been there before. Bridget

skippedoffasmyheartskippedwhilewatchingherleave.

“Look what you did, baby,” Finn said, pulling he into the crook of his arm. “She’s

goingtohaveherownlifenow.Areallifeallbecauseofyou.”

Iwasonthevergeoftears.Icouldn’tbelieveit.“No,”Ishookmyhead.“Notbecause

ofme.Becauseofher.”

“You’re right,” Finn agreed. “I think Bridget was much stronger than we gave her

creditfor.”

Bridget had proven to be more than I’d judged her to be. I’d never make that same

mistakeagain.Because,aswe’djustwitnessed,Bridgetwasaforcetobereckonedwith.

Andthedayofreckoningwashere.

CHAPTER23

SAWYER

ECAUSE

THE

SERIOUS

NATURE

ICHARD

’

CRIMES

WAS

DENIED

BAIL

. H

WAS

awaitingtrialintheBrillhartCountyprison.Weweretoldtheevidencewasironcladand
hewouldn’tbeseeingfreedomforaverylongtime.

Ifever.

Ididn’tknowifIcouldevergetusedtonothavingtolookovermyshoulder,although

my steps felt a bit lighter and the mood between those I care about most had improved
considerably.

Finn told me to meet him at the library. Of course, we happened to be getting a

hurricanethatverynight.Myfirstone.

When I had asked Miller how I needed to prepare for the hurricane he laughed and

toldme,“It’sonlyacategoryone.Youonlyneedtobuysomemorebeer.”

“Whatdoyoudoforcategoryfive?”I’dasked.

Joshansweredbytellingmethatthebestwaytoprepareforcategoryfivewastoplace

yourheadbetweenyourkneesandkissyourassgoodbye.

I’dmakesuretorememberthat.

I arrived at the library right on time. “What is all this?” I asked, looking around the

darkroom.Theonlylightwascomingfromanoverheadprojector.Finnstoodontheback
oftheroom,fiddlingwithdialsonmultiplelittleblackboxes.“Finn?”

Finnguidedmebythehandtothecenteroftheroomwherehe’dpushedasideallthe

desksandsetupablanketandpillowsalloverthefloor.“YoucancallmeProfessorHollis
and tonight you are my pupil so have a seat young lady.” He moved to the front of the
roomandstoodinfrontofalargescreenhangingfromtheceiling.

“What’sgoingon?Whatisthis?”Iasked,perchingmyselfamongthesoftpillows.“I

thoughtwewereherebecauseofthehurricane,butthestormisn’tsettocomeinuntillater
tonight.”

“You are correct. We are here because it’s the highest point in town and the furthest

awayfromthewaterincaseofflooding.ButIthoughtwecouldgethereearly.Iwantedto
spendsometimeeducatingthatpreciousandverysexymindofyoursinthewaysofour
odd world. All in the name of your quest for knowledge, I wanted to teach you some
thingsbeforethepowergoesout.

“Okay,”Isaid,skeptically,foldingmylegsuplikeapretzel.

Finn smiled and that dimple I love so much appeared. “Welcome to extremely

shortenedversionofeverythinginourworld.MynameisProfessorHollisandIwillbein
chargeofmoldingyourmindthisevening,”Finnsaid,dramaticallyextendinghisarms.

IlaughedathowseriouslyhewastakingthisandIwastouchedathowmuchtrouble

he’dgonethrough.

“Shallwebegin?”Finnpushedupthefakeplasticblackrimmedglassesupthebridge

of his nose. He was wearing a long white lab coat. He had a remote in his hand and he
stoodofftothesideoftheprojector.Heclickedabuttonandablackandwhitepictureof
anapeappearedonthescreen.“You’llnotethepenandpadonthefloorinfrontofyou,
MissDixon.Irecommendtakingnotessoyouwon’tfallbehindbeforethetest.”

IpickedupthenotebookandpenandnoddedforFinntocontinue.“Verygood.First

lesson.Evolution.”Heclickedtheremote.Onthescreenwaswrittentheverynextwords
hespoke.“Peoplecamefromapes.”

Heclickedtheremoteagain.Itwasadrawing.Aportraitofamanwearingawhitewig

withtheAmericanFlagacrossthebackground.“Lessontwo.AmericanPolitics.”

Heshookhisheadandclickedthroughtwomoreslides.“Allyouneedtoknowisthat

modernpoliticsaren’trootedinanysortoffactualrealmcreatedbyhumans.”Heclicked
the remote again and a picture of a group of twenty something adults were sitting on a
couch in a cafe. “Now, on to pop culture. How much do you know about the show
Friends?”

“Notathing.”

“Good,becausethisiswhereItakeoverProfessorHollis,”Millershowedupwearing

a matching lab coat and plastic rimmed glasses. He took the remote from Finn and they
exchangedlonghardhandshakesandpseudosternlooks.

“Ididn’tevenhearyoucomein!”IsaidtoMillerasFinnjoinedmeonthefloor.

Hebuffedhisnailsonhiscoat.“Imean.Mostpeopledon’t.IAMadistantrelativeto

Batman. Which brings me to our next subject.” He clicked the remote and the screen
showeddozensofillustrationsofmenandwomenalldressedintightfittingcostumesand
masks.IrecognizedsomeofthemandothersIdidn’t.“Superheroesandallthewaysthey
areincrediblyawesome,”Millersaid.

I laughed through the entire next hour where Miller’s lessons ranged from ‘Why

Nickelbackmusicdoesn’tsuckallthatbad’,and‘WhyBruceWillisshouldbenominated
forSainthood.’

IleanedagainstFinnandlaughedasMillerwentoffandtangentaftertangent.While

he gave his lesson Josh, Critter, Wilfredo, and even my mother had arrived with coolers
andothersuppliesinhand.WhenmymothergrewtiredCritterledhertothebackroom
wherehe’dsetupacotforhertoreston.

“And the very last lesson plan I have for you today folks is…” Miller clicked the

remoteandabirdandabeeappearedonthescreen.“Thebirdsandthebees.Nowwhena

man and woman love each other very much they,” he made a sign with his hands. His
indexfingerpokinginandoutofaholehecreatedwithhisotherhand.IlaughedwhenI
finally got what he was indicating. I laughed so hard my sides started to hurt. “They do
that. And then, the man’s baby seed lassoes the woman’s baby egg-thing and BOOM.
That’s how babies are made and if you’re really really lucky and you find the right
person?”MillergrinnedatJosh.“They’llevenmakeyouasandwichafter.”

“Boooooo!” Josh and Wilfredo shouted, throwing candy wrappers at Miller who

duckedanddodgedtheassault.

“Detentionforyouboth!”Millershouted.

Critter,whowasseatedatatablenearbywasrollinghiseyesbuthewassmiling.“Did

youskipthatdayinschool,son?”

Millershrugged.“Actually,Ireceivedanattendanceawardinhighschool.”

“Thatwasn’tanattendanceaward,”Finnlaughed.“Thatwasawarningtoyourparents

thatifyouskippedanymoreschoolyou’dbeexpelledbecauseyou’dmissedmoreclasses
thananyotherstudent.”

“And?Whatpartofthatdoesn’tscreamattendanceaward?”Millergrabbedabeerand

Joshrolledhereyes.

“Youjustwaituntilyourboobsarefatandyourbellyisallroundwithmybaby.”He

murmuredpullingherinforakiss.

“MyluckI’djustbepukingmygutsoutandfeelinglikeshitforninemonths,”Josh

said,pushinghimaway.

“Ibetyou’dlookhotdoingallthatpuking.”Millerwaggedhiseyebrows.

“You’regross,”Joshchided,butshedidn’tpushhimawaythistimewhenhewentin

andkissedheronthetipofhernose.

“Speakingoffeelingill,”Isaid,holdingmystomachasthesmellofwhatevercandy

Josh had just unwrapped was about to cause my lunch to come back up. I read that an
occasionalsicknesswascommonbutthiswasalotmorethanoccasional.Itlooked

“Are you okay?” Finn asked, growing concern written on his face. “This little one

givingyouahardtime?”

“I’mfine.Justalittleheorsheprobablyhasreallylonglegslikehisfather.”

“IwishIcouldknocksomeoneup,”Wilfredosaidonasigh,leaninginsofarintoone

ofthecoolersthathisheaddisappeared.

“Uh, you can knock someone up. You’re a dude. Presumably a dude with a dick,”

Millerargued

“Yeah,butunlessgaysexsuddenlyrequiresthepillthenit’snevergonnahappen.At

leastnotinthebiblicalsense.Becausealthoughthesecreaturesarephenomenalandfierce
and I want to be them.” He pointed to us, rolling his index finger in a small circle and
grimacing.“Whattheygotgoingonbelowthebeltscarestheever-lovingshitoutofme.”

MillerstaredatJoshandslowlynodded.“Youandmeboth,man.”Heshookhishead.

“Youandmeboth.”

“Thankyouforallofthis,”Isaid,placingakisstoFinn’slips.

“Thankyou,”Finnsaid.Myheartfluttered.

“Forwhat?Ididn’tdoanything.”Ichuckled.

Finnplacedhishandonmybelly.“You’redoingeverything.”

“Whatdoyoumeanyouonlypackedthreecasesofbeer.It’sahurricane!Idon’tthink

Icaneverforgiveyou!”MilleryelledatWilfredowhoremainedcalmproducedabottleof
vodkafromhisbackpack.

“Shots?”Wilfredoasked,shakingthebottle.

Millersnatcheditfromhishands.“Forgiven.”

“Don’t forget I owe you an ass kicking for knocking on my daughter,” Critter said,

narrowinghiseyesatFinn.

“Oh,Ididn’tforget,”Finnsaid.“I’dexpectnothingless.”

Critternodded.“Good.We’reonthesamepagethen.”

Sometimes,Ididn’tknowwhethertheywerejokingornot.ButIthoughtitbesttostay

outofit,andletthemdowhateveritistheyneededtodotoprovehowmanlytheyareto
oneanother.

“I’mgoingtogocheckonmymother,”Isaid.Finnhelpedmetoastandingposition.

“IthinkImightwanttotrymychanceswiththehurricane,”JoshmutteredasIwent

by.

Islowlyopenedthedoortothebackstorageareaandwentinside,shuttingitbehind

me so that Miller’s loud voice wouldn’t wake my mother if she was sleeping. I tiptoed
towardthecotonlytofinditempty.

I quickly scanned the rest of the room and I didn’t see her. Something felt off, like

therewasashiftintheairIcouldn’texplain.Itfeltthicker.Heavier.

“Mother?”IlookedintothedarkcornerwhereIwaskeepingsomebooksthatneeded

tobeshippedofftohavethespinesrepaired.Isawmovement.“Thereyouare,”Iexhaled
inrelief.“Youscaredme.Whatareyoudoingbackthere?Allthenewerbooksareonthe
shelvesinthemainroom.Anythinginparticularthatyou’relookingfor?”Iknelttotiemy
shoelacewhichI’djustnoticehadcomeundonewhenIheardfootsteps.

Heavyfootsteps.

Notmymother’sfootsteps.

“Yes.YOU,”answeredadeepthroatymalevoice.

I froze for a moment then realized if I was going to escape this time I was going to

havetoactfast.ImadealeaptowardthedoorbutIwasn’tquickenough.Alargehand
came around my chest and another covered my nose and mouth to muffle my scream
beforeitevenhadachancetoleavemylips.

“Shhhh,Ihaveyourwhoreofamother,andit’suptoyouwhethersheremainsaliveor

not.” Richard whispered bitterly into my ear. He smelled just as I remembered. Like
whiskeyandarrogance.“Ilockedallofthedoorsofthisbuildingfromtheoutside.Ifyou
somuchastryanddrawattentiontoyourself,evenonelittlesqueakofanoiseandI’llset
thisentireplaceablazewitheverysingleofthoseheathenstrappedinside.”Heshowedme
ametallighter,flickingitopenandsettingtheflametohighsoIcouldseehewasserious
aboutcarryingthroughwithhisthreat.

Ifelthelpless.Panicked.

MyheartwasbeatingrapidlyandallIcouldthinkaboutwasprotectingFinnandmy

baby.

TherewasnothingIcoulddobutcomply.AndashedraggedmeoutintothenightI

thought he tripped over something but I was wrong. He’d kicked over something. That
somethingwasagascan.

Withaflickofhiswrist,hesentthelighterandthetinyflamecascadingintothegas

cancausingittoimmediatelyeruptinafireballwhichwasanythingbuttiny.

Itriedtogettothem.Tomovemylimbsbuttheywouldn’tcooperate.Iwasbreathing

erratically,takinginmoreandmoreofwhateverhehadpressedintohispalmcoveringmy
noseandmouth.

Ifeltnauseated.ThesoundofRichardcallouslaughsurroundedmeashedraggedme

further and further away from the library. The storm hadn’t yet brought the rain but the
windspreadtheflamesquicklyandjustasmyvisionstartedtoblurImanagedtomake
outthelastsightIeverwantedtosee.

Theroofofthelibrarycavedin…andcollapsed.

CHAPTER24

FINN

ALL

HAPPENED

FAST

. I

SOUNDED

EXPLOSION

THEN

THE

ROOF

THE

storageroomwascollapsing.

Sawyer.

IracedtowardthestorageroomwithCritterwhileMillerattemptedtoopenthefront

doorwhichturnedouttobelockedfromtheoutside.Together,JoshandMillermanaged
toramthroughitjustenoughtogeteveryoneout.Thepouringrainhadputoutthefireso
Critter and I, with burning palms, pushed aside the fallen roof to search for Sawyer and
hermother.

Itwasn’tuntilwe’dmovedthelastbeamwhenwerealized…theyweren’tthere.

Oneglanceatoneanotherwasallittookforustobeonthesamepage.

Richard.

CHAPTER25

SAWYER

HEARD

WAS

CRICKETS

WIND

SLAPPED

WET

LEAVES

AND

MUD

AGAINST

FACE

Itwasraininglightlybutthewindwasblowingsohardeachdropofwaterstungagainst
myskin.Itsmelledlikesulfuranddecay.

Itriedtopeelmyeyesopenbuttheywouldn’tcomply.Iwassittinginafewinchesof

water.Myshortswerecompletelysoakedthrough.

Finn.

Myfamily.Myfriends.

Thelibrary.Theroofcollapsing.

ItsoberedmeupandpulledmefromthehazeIwasin.Ijoltedawake.Myeyessprung

open,onlytofindmyselfboundatthewristsbehindatreeatmyback.

IwasterrifiedthatIlostallthepeoplethatmeantmostmetheworld.Theonlything

thatkeptmefromshakinguncontrollablywithfear—theonlythingthatkeptmesucking
inmynextbreath,wasthelifegrowinginsideofme.

Ifeltsicktomystomach.Everythingached.MybodysatheavyuponmybonesasifI

werecarryingaroundanotherpileoffleshandmuscleontheoutsideofmine.Likegravity
wasworkingovertimetopullmeintothecenteroftheearth.

Itwasdifficulttoliftmyarms.Myeyeswouldn’topenfullyandIwasforcedtopeer

out into the darkness of this world through tiny slits. It must have been the effects of
whateveritwasthatRichardhadsedatedmewith.

Everythinghurt.Mybody,myheart,myspirit.

ThenIheardavoiceandatfirst,Iwasimaginingthings,buthervoicewasnotonly

clear,itwascalm.

Anditbelongedtomymother.

“WhenyouweregrowingupIsawsomuchofmyselfreflectedinyoureyes.Itscared

me.Apartofmewishedyouwerecomplacent.Obedient.Apersonwhostoodinlineand
waitedtheirturnanddidwhattheyweretoldandwerehappythatway.Buteveryoncein
awhile,Icaughtaglimpseoffireinyoureyes.Ofrebellion.Ofquestions,greaterthanthe
answersthechurchwasgivingyou.Alookthattoldmeyouwerenomoremeantforthat
life than I was. But an even bigger part of me was proud, relieved. And I knew you
couldn’tstaythere.ThatfireinyouralongwithRichard’scontrollingandabusiveways…

itwasnevergoingtoendwell.”Shepressedherlipstogetherandlookedupatthesky.“I
wasalwayssurprisedyouhadn’trunawayearlier.Anddisappointedinaway.”

“Icouldn’tleaveyou.”

Sheshookherhead.“Whichmakesworse.Youshouldof.”

“No.Besides,yousaidifIdidthatRichardthreatenedtokillyou.”

My mother nodded. “He would have. But none of that mattered. You were all that

mattered.Youareallthatmattersnow.”

Idroppedmyhandstomystomach.“No.I’mnotallthatmattersnow.”

Mychesttightenedatthelookofpainonmymother’sface.Iresolvestaystrongfor

her.Topushtheturmoilinsideofmedownandbethereforbothmychildandmymother.

“Ifailedyou,”shesaid,thewindsentherwordsbarrelingtowardme,hittingmeright

inthegut.

“You didn’t! You were put in a situation no one could ever imagine themselves in. I

couldn’tbegintoimaginehavingtomakethechoicesyouwerefacedwith.Iunderstand
now.IunderstandwhyyoudideverythingandI’mtheonewho’ssorry.Foreverdoubting
you.Andbesides,you’reright.Wearealotalike.”

“Maybe,didIevertellyouthestoryofhowyougotyourname?”Mymotherasked.

Shewastryingtodistractmefromtherisingwater.Ineededitbecausetheendlesstugging
onmyrestraintswasgettingmenowhere.

Thewaterwasrisingquickerandquicker.ItisonlyaboutItwasonlyamatteroftime

beforeitwasoverourheads.

“No,”Isaid,shakingmyhead.“Tellme.”Mybloodwaspumpingfuriouslythrough

me. I felt hyperaware of my surroundings. Of my body. I was tense like I’d never felt
before.

Inadditiontobeingcompletelyandutterlyterrified.

My mother managed a strained chuckle. “Richard wanted to name you Mara. The

biblical meaning being bitter or bitterness. It was like everything he did to you was a
punishmentformysinsagainsthimandhewantedyournametobenodifferent.”

“Sounds about right,” I muttered, rubbing whenever was tied my hands together and

againstthebarkofthetreetotrytoslicethebindingsapart

Mymotherlookedtotheskylikeshecouldseethestoryshewastellingmeunfolding

aboveher.“WhenCritterandIfirstgottogetherwewouldlayoutinhissunflowerfields
forhourswatchingthesunsetandjustlisteningtotheleavesrustlearoundus.We’dtalk
and drink wine and get sunburnt on our noses,” she sighed as she remembered happier
timesthenbrokeoutintoacoughingfit.

“Mom,momareyouokay?”Icalledout,hatingfeelingsohelpless.

Shenodded.Whensheregainedherself,Iblewoutabreathofrelief.

Shecontinued.“Youalreadyknowpartofthestory.Butonedaytherewasthislittle

toe-headedboy.Nomorethansixorsevenyearsold.Iwatchedhimdrivehisbigwheel
into the field and with his little rusted pocket knife he snipped off a flower, waived to
Critter, and drove away.” She laughed softly. “When I asked Critter about it he told me
thattheboydidthatalmosteveryweek.WhenIaskedwhathewasdoingwiththeflowers
Crittertoldmethathefoundtheboyinhisfieldonedayandhewasupsetbecausehewas
troublewithhismotherforswearing.”Sheshookherheadlikeshestillcouldn’tbelieveit
herself.

“Crittersnippedaflowerandgaveittotheboy.Hetoldthehimtogoandapologizeto

hismotherandgivehertheflower.Well,itmusthaveworkedbecauseeveryweekafter
thatCrittersaidtheboywastherewithhisownknifesnippingaway.Oneforhisteacher
becausehetoldherthatmathwasforpeoplewhodidn’thavecalculators.Anotherforthe
ladyatthebakeryforknockingoverhercakedisplayinthewindowthathadtakenherall
weekendtoputtogether.”

“That’skindofadorable,”Icommented,myheartbreakingasmymindreplayedthe

roofcollapsinginthelibraryoverandoveragain.Maybewewouldhaveaboywholiked
Finn.Maybehe’dnevergettomeethisfather.

WhileIwasbreakinginside,motherspokeasifwewereontheporchdrinkingtea.

“Itwasadorable.TurnsoutithappenedsooftenthattheycametodealwhereCritter

ropedoffapatchofsunflowersjustfortheboytotakeashepleased.”

The rising water was now soaking my jeans up to my thighs. I knew had to move

fasterifIanychanceandcuttingthroughmyrestraints.

Mymotherlookedovertome.Sheraisedhervoiceabovethewindwhichhadpicked

up.“YouwerenamedSawyerbecauseofFinn.Shesighedhappilyasifweareabouttogo
pickoutbridesmaid’sdressesandweren’tabouttomeetourendsinamurkyswamp.

My stomach felt rock hard. I wanted to flee from this nightmare. I held back the

scream that threatened to tear from my throat. “Mother why aren’t you panicking?” I
managedtoask,swallowingdownmyfearinonehardgulp.

She smiled over at me. “I’m terrified for you and the life you and your child may

nevergettolive.Butme?Icametotermswithmyowndeathyearsago.”

Mymotherkepttalking.Ikepttryingtofreemyself.“CritterandIevenjokedhowif

we ever had a girl that she could marry Finn because he already knew what most men
wouldneverlearn,howtoapologize.”

NowitwasmyeyestearingupasIimaginedalittleversionofFinncausingproblems

allaroundOutskirtsandfixingthemwithaflowerandaslydimpledsmile.“Howdidyou
getRichardeveragreetothename?”

Shelooksalmostproudwhenshegavemeheranswer.“Sawyermeanswoodcutterin

Celtic.AllIdidwasstretchthetruthalittle.AndsinceIcouldn’tflatoutrecommendthe
nametohimbecausehe’djustswatitdown,Itoldsomeoftheladiesinchurch,butItold
them that Sawyer meant carpenter, like the occupation of Jesus himself. Sure enough,
beforeIwasabouttogivebirthtoyou,thenamehadmadeitswaytoRichard.Onedayhe
announcedtomethatyournamewasgoingtobeSawyer,likeithadbeenhandeddownto

himinavisionfromGodhimself.”Shebegantolaughhysterically.

“Thatwasverysneakyofyou,mother.Ididn’tknowyouhaditinyou.”

Shesighedheavily.“Idid.”Hereyesbecameunfocusedandsuddenlyitwaslikeshe

wasstaringthroughmeandnotseeingme.Herheadbegantomakeanorbitingmotion,
smallcircles.

“Mom?”Iyelled.

Noresponse.

“Mom!”Icalledoutlouder.

Her eyes closed and she blinked rapidly like she was trying to clear her mind.

“Sawyer?”Sheasked,andthenhereyesclosedandherchinfelltoherchestrevealingan
angrylookingbloodywoundonthetopofherhead.Sheneededhelp.

Soon.

“Staywithme,Mom,”Icalledovertoher.Thewaterwasnowaboveourwaistsand

stillrising.

Her eyes remained closed, but she spoke again, only she sounded like she was far

awayinsteadofrightinfrontofme.“Mom,”shesaid.“I…Ilikeitwhenyoucallmethat.
It’smuchbetterthanMother.”

Thensilence.

“Mom,Mom!”Iyelled.Hopingforattheveryleastanotherincoherentanswer.

Stillnoanswer.

“Moooooom!”Igroanedasthewaterroseandwasnowatchestlevel.Ifmymother

stayedinhercurrentpositionshe’dbebreathinginthemurkywaterwithinthenextfew
minutes.“Youneedtopickyourheadup,Mom.Pickitup!”Myyellsturnintoscreams.

Ipulledattherestraintstyingmyhandstogetherandgrowledwhentheydidn’tgive

yetagain.

Ineededtostaycalm.Think.Clearmymind.

Withthewaterrisingallaroundusandthefearoflosingmymotherandmyunborn

child’slives,Iharnessedmypanicandattemptedtofindsomeclarityamongstthechaos.

I’dgrownupinahomewherethereligionwasstrictandtheenforcementofbothGod

andmyfather’slawswereevenstricter.I’dbowedmyheadthousandsoftimesandrecited
words of faith because I was told they needed to be said. But I’d never truly prayed. I
neverputanymeaningbehindthewordsIwassaying.Ineverbelievedthemenoughtobe
trueorhadthekindoffaiththatothersfoundeasytotrustinblindly.

DearGod,Universe,Ma’am,Sir,FlyingSpaghettiMonster,

Idon’tknowhowtoprayanymore.Actually,Idon’tthinkIeverdid.Iwastaughtto

always give you thanks and never ask for anything because you would provide me with
everythingIneededandtoaskformorewouldbequestioningyourwill.

Asin.

ButsincesomuchhasbeenalieI’mgoingtogooutonalimbandassumethatasking

youforsomethingIneed,notwant,isokay.Maybejustthisonce.

I’dstartbysayingthankyouforallyou’vegivenmebutthereisn’tanytime.I’mgoing

tojumprightinandofferyouabargain.Maybeit’swrong,butIdon’twanttoaskyoufor
somethingsobigwithoutofferingyousomethinginreturn.

ButIhavetotrybecauseIdon’tjusthavesomethingtolose.

Ihaveeverythingtolose.

Please, I beg you, spare my mother, she’s been through so much. She’s endured the

unthinkable.Shedeservesachancetoliveherbliss.Tobehappy.Iwanthertoknowhow
itfeelstolivewithoutfearandbelovedunconditionallybysomeonewhodoesn’texpect
anythinginreturn.Andforyourgenerosityinsparingher,Iofferyoume.Butonlyafter
thebabyisbornandsafeinherfather’sarms.ThenI’llgowithyou.Willinglyandhappily
thesecondIknowtheyareallsafeandtogether.

PleaseletmyfamilyliveandI’lldoanythingyouwant.

Anythingatall.

Irepeatedmyprayeroverandoveragainandatsomepoint,Imusthavedriftedoffto

sleep because I was dreaming of a blonde woman with a bright smile and a purple silk
scarf wrapped around her neck walking toward me. But her feet weren’t touching the
water,shewaswalkingoverit.MaybeIwasjusthallucinating.OrmaybeIwasalready
dead.Ifeltthepanic.Theveryrealpanicshootthroughmyveinslikeajoltofadrenaline.

IfIwasdead.Itmeantthebabywasdeadtoo.

“No!Ican’tbedead.Ican’tbedead.”

The woman crouched before me and smiled. Her white pants and blouse were

unwrinkled, unstained. She smelled like fresh linen. She looked familiar but I couldn’t
placeher.“Don’tyouworry.You’renotdead.Notyetanyway.Yourbabyissafe,butyou
havetolistentomeverycarefully.”

“Areyou…God?”

The woman laughed and it sounded light and bright. Angelic. “Oh, darlin’, they

wouldn’twantmerunningthings.Itwouldbelikeatwoforonehappyhourtwenty-four
hours a day, seven days a week. It would be a lot more college frat and a lot less holy
afterlife.Youcatchmydrift?”

“Ithinkso,”Ianswered.“Whoareyouthen?”

Sheclappedherhandstogether.“I’msomeonewhoisheretohelp.”

“How?”

Thewomanthoughtforamoment,tappingaperfectlypolishedfingernailagainsther

chin. “You know how when a bad situation comes up people tend to tell you to always
lookaheadandneverlookbehindyou,orsomethinglikethat.”

“Sure,mymotherusedtosaythatallthetime.”

“Well,I’mheretotellyouthatit’sallbullshit.It’swhat’sbehindyouthatcounts.It’s

what’sbehindyouthatisgoingtosaveyou.Don’twaitonyourknightinshiningarmorto
rescueyou,ashotastheycanbesometimes.BEyourownknight.Rescueyourself.Finn
mighthaverescuedyourheart,buttherestisuptoyounow.”

Asfastassheappeared,andbeforeIcouldaskherwhatexactlyshemeant,thewoman

inwhitewasgone.

Iopenedmyeyesandfeltthewateratmychin.Waterwasnowsplashingupintomy

eyes.Isquintedoveratmymotherwhosefacewasnowonlyinchesawayfromtherising
water.Iwishedmydreamweresomehowrealandwhatwasbehindmewasreallygoing
to save me. The only thing behind me was the tree I was tied to and countless swamp
animalswaitingformetoshiftfromlifetodeathsotheycouldhaveatmycarcass.

Iwouldn’tgiveup.

Iwillnevergiveup.

Ifeltanewresolvegrowingwithinme.Anewkindofpower,bravery.Itwasexactly

whatIneededtopushon.

InalastattempttofreemyhandsIstretchedmyfingersunderthewater,searchingfor

anythingthatIcoulduseasaknifetocutthroughtherope.Thewaterwasflowingaround
usmorelikeariverthanaswampsoitwaspossiblethingsunderneathhadshifted.

I touched something hard with my finger where moments ago there was nothing. It

wasatleastsixinchesandbrokenorjaggedatoneend.Ididn’tknowifitwasapipeor
brokenpieceofwoodorrock,butIhopeditwoulddo.Imaneuvereditbetweentheropes
and started sawing. I dropped it once and then once again before I could do any real
damage to the rope. I growled out my frustrations into the rising water that had now
reachedmymouth.MythoughtswerescrambledasIpressedmylipstogethertightly.

I didn’t dare look over to my mother knowing full well she had to be submerged by

now.Icouldn’tletanythingdistractmefromthetaskathand.

Bothofourlivesdependedonit.

I had to hurry, but I knew rushing wouldn’t get me anywhere. I hummed the lullaby

my mother used to sing to me during storms to ease my fears. And as my mind drifted
overthosetimesshegavemecomfortwhenshehadnoneofherown,Isawedaway.

I took my last large gulf of air right as the water rose over my mouth and then my

nose.

Afterrecitingthreeversesofthelullabyinmyheadmylungswereburning,likethey

were on fire. With one last push of the restraints against the object, and one last
underwaterscream,somethingsnappedandmyhandsbrokefree.

Iemergedfromthewater,gaspingformyfirstfullbreathofairinwhatseemedlike

forever.Asmylungstooktheirfillitwasasifeverythingstoodstill.Thesplashofeach
rain drop in the water. The leaves falling from the wind rustled trees. I could see
everythingnow.Everythingsmelledstronger.Soundedlouder.Appearedclearer.

Mymindcompletelycleared.Ifeltcalm.Peaceful.

ItwasasifI’dbeenbaptizedinthedirtywater.Christenedbythehurricaneitselfand

deliveredintotheswampreborn.

IwasnolongerSawyerthegirlrunningfromherpast.IwasSawyer,thegirlfromThe

Outskirts.

ATrueoutlierjustliketherestofthem.

I remember reading an article for my religious study we’re a pastor from Alabama

send that when God takes you into troubled waters it’s not to drown you, but to cleanse
you.

Suddenly,itbecameclearwhathemeant.

I stood up and blew the water from my nose, leaping over to my mother, waiting

throughthethickwaterandunderbrush.Iliftedherheadfromthewaterwithonehandand
untiedherstrainswiththeother.Ialmostfelloverwithreliefwhenshegaspedforair.I
putherarmaroundmyshoulderandhadonlymadeitonestepuptheembankmentwhenI
lostmyfootingandtogetherweslidbackdownintothewaterwithasplash.

I was startled by the man looming over us. A man I never wanted to see again. My

heart pounded against my ribcage like it was going to leap from my chest and lunge at
Richard.Thewindpickedup,whistlingbetweenthetrees.

Richardsnarled.“Lookslikeyougotyourselfaproblemthere.Although,I’llgiveyou

somecredit.Ihalfexpectedtobedisposingofcorpsesbynow.Figuresthatyouwereboth
terribleatlisteningandtakingdirections.It’snotabigshocktomethatyoutwojustwon’t
shut up and die when you’re told.” Richards words sent fear, but mostly anger, almost
twenty-two-year’sworthofit,surgingthroughmyveins,ignitingafireofrebellionunder
myskin.

“Hey Richard?” I asked, looking him right in the eye for the first time in my life.

“FUCKYOU!”

Hisresponsewastochuckle.“YouThinkyouaresobrave.Butnoneofthatmatters

whenyou’redead,sinner,”hetaunted.

“Father, we cannot pick and choose which sins we abide by. You speak out against

sinning,butyouyourselfareawalkingcontradictionofsin.Ofevil.Youareguiltyoflust,
gluttony, wrath, envy, pride, and so much more. I know because I’ve seen it in the way
you drink alcohol like your thirst is unending. I’ve seen it in the way you’ve beat and
rapedmymother.I’vewitnessedyouspeakofGod’swillasifyouaretheonlymaninthe
worldwhounderstandsit.”Ilaughedathowridiculousthismanreallywas.“Well,Ihate
totellyoubutyoudon’t.Youdon’tunderstandanyofit.”

“Blasphemy! Blasphemy!” he growled. He pointed a finger down at me. “You little,

cunt!Howdareyou!”

Ifoundasuddenfreedominmywords,butbecauseIneededtimetofigureouthowI

wasgoingtogettomyselfandmymotheroutoftheswampalive.“Theysaythetruthwill
setyoufree.Well,father.Foryoursake.Ihopeitdoesjustthat.Becauseyourtruthisthat

youareaselfishassholewhoisgoingstraighttohell.”

Therewewere,layinginthemud,lookingupintotheeyesofthemadmanwhoonce

daredtocallhimselfmyfatherwhenhewasn’tevenafractionofthemanmyrealfather
was.Mymotherslidfrommygrip.Shelandedofftothesideinthemudwithanaudible
thunk.

Richardpointedather.“ItoldyourmotheralongtimeagothatIwouldkillyouwhile

she watched if she ever betrayed me. Too bad she isn’t conscious to see me keep that
promise.”

Richardkneltandreachedforsomethinginhisbackpocket.“Goodbye,daughter.”

Whenyouknowtheendisnearyou’dthinkthatwouldbewhenyou’remostafraid.

It’snot.BecauseasIpreparedittoallbeoverIcouldn’thelpbuttofeelproud.

Proud of the woman I’d become. Proud of the relationships I’d made. And proud of

thewayIwasstandinguptoRichardinmyfinalmoments.

Finnwouldhavebeenproudtoo.

ImadesureIwasstaringRicharddirectlyintheeyes.Ifhewasgoingtokillmehe

was going to have to do it while I disobeyed his stupid rules right to the end. Even the
babygaveadefiantfirstkickagainstmyhandasIprotectivelycoveredmystomach.

Itmademelaugh.Iwasliterallylaughinginthefaceofmyowndeath.

Richardnevergotachancetoproducewhateverweaponhewasreachingforbecause

something blunt made contact with his head. There was a dull thud followed by a noise
thatsoundedalotlikeacrustyloafofbreadbeingbrokeninhalf.

Richard’sstarewentblankashefellfacefirstintothewater.

“Mom?”

Ilookeduptofindmymotherstandingthereholdingsomesortofwhiterockinher

hand.“You’reright,”shesaidtoRichard’sunconsciousbody.“Noneofitmatters.YOU
don’tmatter.”

Shecontinuedtostarehatreddownathim,cradlingtherockinherarmslikeatrophy.

“During your sermons, you spoke frequently about Family bonds.” She chuckled as she
quoted Richard. “I believe it went something like, there is no greater bond on this earth
thanthatbetweenamotherandherchild.Andifsomeoneattemptstodestroythatbond?
Godhavemercyonhissoul.”

She stood over him and squared her shoulders. “May God have mercy on your soul,

Richard.”

“Ishe…?”Iasked,pausingasIsawthefaintriseandfallofhisshallowbreathing.

Mymothershookherhead.“Idon’tthinkit’sthateasy.”Sheturnedtome,kneeling

shelookingmeoverfromheadtotoe.“Isthebabyokay?”

“The baby is fine. I’m fine. But you are the one who’s hurt.” I pulled gently on her

headtotakeacloserlookatthewound.

“It’sjustanastybump,”shesaid,flinchingawayfrommytouch.

“It’smorethanthat,”Ipointedout.“Youkeptpassingout.”

“Ididearlier.Ithinkitwasjustanafteraffectfromwhateverhe’dheldovermynose.

ButItellyouwhat,nothinghasawayofslappingyouawakethanthepossibilityofyour
imminentdemise.”

“Butyoujustpassedout,justnow,”Iquestioned.

Sheshookherheadandwinced.“Nope.Thatwascalledacting.Itookadramaclass

once. Did you know that?” she asked as she helped me up. I was both impressed and
proudandcompletelyinlovewithmymother.

“No,Ididn’tknowthataboutyou,”Isaid.“Butmaybe,sometimesoon,youcantell

meallaboutit.”

WeleftRichardinthewateraswelimpedovertotheboathehadparkedbetweentwo

stumps. It occurred to me that my mother probably did not see the roof of the library
collapse.

Weneededtogetback.Weneedtoseeiftheyhadmadeitoutofthelibrary.Butfirst,I

hadtowarnmymotherofwhatwemightfindwhenwegotback.

Orwhatwemightnotfind.

I felt like time had stopped around us along with the winds from the storm. The

amplifiedsoundsandsmellsoftheswampfromearlierhadalldieddown.Itwasalmost
silent.I’msureifyoulistenedcarefullyenoughyoucouldhearmysorrow.

The words I knew I had to say grew thick in my throat and even thicker as they

sprouted roots and wrapped around my heart, squeezing so tightly I didn’t know how I
wasgoingtobreatheagainnevermindspeak.

“Mother,”Ichokedout.“There’ssomethingIhavetotellyou.”Ishutmyeyestightly.

“Whatisit?”Sheasked,soundingeverybitashorrifiedassheshould.

Aloudvibrationrattledthroughtheswamp,shakingeverybranchofeverytreelikethe

beginningsofanearthquake.Anairboatemerged,zippingrightoverathicklayerofbrush
likeitdidn’texist.EvenintheheavyrainIcouldmakeoutthefacesonthatboat.Iwould
knowthemfrommilesaway.Mysoulwouldrecognizethemanywhere.

AllthefeelingsIneverthoughtIwouldexperienceagain,happiness,joy,elation,and

love, all came back to me at once. The weight lifted off my chest and I could breathe
again.IwassolightIfeltasifIwerefloatingabovemyownbody.

Critterwasdriving.Finnwasstandingatthefront.

Bothwe’reinonepiece.

Bothwerealive.

CHAPTER26

FINN

STILL

HAVE

IDEA

HOW

AWYER

AND

HER

MOTHER

MANAGED

FREE

THEMSELVES

fromamanwhowouldstopatnothinguntilhegotwhathewanted.Whathewantedwas
theirlives.Bywayofeithersubmissionordeath.

Mystomachrollsatthereminderofhowclosehecametogettingwhathewanted,of

thedespairIfeltwhilethinkingtheabsoluteworsthadalreadyhappened.

Wewerelucky

JustbecauseIdon’tknowhowtheymanagedtofreethemselvesdoesn’tmeanIwas

surprised. There were never two more-determined people on the planet. No one with
strongerwills.Noonebraver.

Theymightnotthinkso,buttheywerewellequippedtohandlethelikesofRichard

Dixon.

“I’veneverbeensogoddamnscaredinmyentirelife,”ItoldSawyerasshewokeup

from a twenty-hour nap. She rolled over took one look at me as smiled like I meant
everythingintheworldtoher.“Ican’thelpbutthinkofwhatcouldhappenedtoyouif…”

“Don’t.Comehere,”Sawyersaid,stretchingoutherarm.Sherolledoversothatwe

were lying facing one another with our arms and legs intertwined, a lot like we did the
first night she spent in my bed. Except this time one of my hands rested on top of our
growingbaby.

Ihadn’tgottenmuchsleepatall.Ifoundmyrestinwatchingmygirlsleep,herchest

andbellyrisingandfallingwitheachintakeofbreath.

“Imissedyou,”Sawyersaidsleepily.Andalthoughherwordsweresimplethelookin

hereyessaidsomuchmore.

“Metoo,”Iwhispered.

Hereyedwidenedandmetmine.“Richard,”shesaid,suddenlylookingpanicked.

“Hewon’tHurtyouagain.”

Sherelaxedintomeoncemore.“Whathappentohim?”

Ishrugged.“CrittersaidhewastakingRichardbacktojailbutnottheoneheescaped

from.”

“Doyouthinkthat’swhathedid?”Sheasked,knowingCritterjustaswellasIdid.

Ishrugged.“Ithinkit’sbestifwedon’tknow.”

“Thatsoundslikesomethinghewouldsay,”Sawyersaid,placingahandonmyface.I

leaned in and kissed her, needing to feel her against me, needing to remind myself that
althoughshewasinmyarmsthatshewasreallyhere.Shewasreallyokay.

“I’mhere,”shereassuredme,knowingexactlywhatIneededtohear.

“Yes,youare.”

Sheglancedovermyheadtothenightstand.Iturnedandnoticedshewasstaringather

dirtyclothesinapileaswellastherockthathermotherhadbeenclutchingtoherchest
whenwe’dfoundthem.

“Itwasreal,”shewhispered.

“Whatwasreal?”Iasked,turningbackaroundtofaceher.

“Youseethatscarf?”sheasked,pointingtothemuddiedpurplepieceofclothontop

of the pile. “I had a vision that this blonde woman saved me and she was wearing it. I
knowitsoundssillybutithelpedpullmethrough.”

I sucked in a breath, not wanting to think about how scared she must have been but

gladshehadfoundcomfortinsomesense,evenifitwasinavisionoradream.

“What’swiththerock?”sheasked.

Icouldn’thelpthesmilethatgrewonmyface.“That’swhatyourmotherwasholding.

That’swhatshehitRichardovertheheadwith.”

“Strangelookingrock,”shecommented.

Isatuptoinspectitcloser.“You’reright.I’veneverseenaroundrocklikethataround

here.“Ipickeditupandturneditover.IalmostdroppeditwhenIsawwhatwasonthe
otherside.

“What?”Sawyerasked,scramblingtoasittingpositiononthebed.

Therockwasn’tarockatall.

Itwasaskull.

Suddenlysomethingclicked.Thepurplescarf.Theskull.

I envisioned a certain picture hanging over Critter’s bar. One where I had my arm

drapedaroundJackie.ShewaswearingthepurplescarfI’dboughtherfromthecraftfair.
Ievenhadherinitialsembroideredinthelining.JC.Theexactinitialsthatwerepeeking
throughthesplotchesoffilth.

Idroppedmyheadinmyhands.Atfirst,IfeltmystomachrolllikeIwasgoingtoget

sick. I took a deep breath through my nose but it didn’t help. This was her. This was
Jackie.SuddenlyitwastwoyearsagoanditwaslikeI’djustlostheralloveragain.Her
deathwaslikeaknifetomythroat.

“What!Whatisit?”Sawyeraskedagain.Itwashervoicethatbroughtmebacktothe

present.Hervoicethatremindedmethatitwasn’ttwoyearsagoanymore.I’dalmostlost
Sawyer.Theloveofmylife.Themotherofmychild.ButIdidn’t.Andsomethingtoldme

theblondewomaninSawyer’svisionwassomeonefamiliartome.

Therehadbeenareasonwehadn’tfoundherdespitecountlesssearchesovertheyears.

And although it sounded ridiculous to even think it, I think she stayed out there for
Sawyer…forme.

I felt a warmth grow within me. A sense of completion. Finality. Love. We’d found

Jackie…orjustmaybe,she’dfoundus.

“Finn?”Sawyeraskedagain.

Iquicklyturnedtheskullbackedaround.“Nothing,Ithoughtasawawormonit.It

wasjustaleaf.”

“Thatwasanawfullybigreactionforworm.”Sawyersaid,skeptically.“Forsomeone

whogrewupinaswamp.”

IlaidbackdownonthebedandpulledSawyerdownwithme.“Wormsaregross,”I

said,pressingherbodyagainstmine.Relishingthefeelofherlipsasabrushmyjawand
chuckled.

“No,tellme.Please.”

I sighed. “Okay, but it’s going to sound a little crazy.” I warned her, tracing the

frecklesaroundherrighteye.

“Luckyforyou,I’musedtocrazy.”

Itoldhereverythingandsheremainedexpressionlessuntiltheend.“That’snotcrazy,

Finn.That’sbeautiful.”

Weremainedsilentforawhileafterthat.Contentwithbreathingeachotherin.“Did

youarethebravestpersonI’veevermetinmyentirelife?”Iasked,notbeingabletohold
insidehowIfeltanylonger.

“Whydoyousaythat?”Sheasked,runningherhandsallovermybodylikeshetoo

cannotbelievethatIwasthere.“Youaretheonewhocrawledoutofaburningbuilding.”

“Not so much,” I explained. “A rain squall came in at the right time and doused the

flamesbeforetheycouldspread.”

“I thought you were crushed under the roof,” she said, resting her chin on my chest

and looking up at me with glassy eyes. I needed to protect her from those kinds of
feelings,fromthepain.

“No,itwasjustthepartoverthestorageunit.”Ireassuredher.“Iamhere.I’mfine.”

Repeatinghersamereassurances,shejustusedtocomfortme.

Ichuckledtomyself.

“What’ssofunny?”sheasked,herbrightsmilelightinguptheentireroomaswellas

myheart.

“HereIthoughtyouwerethedamselindistress.Iwaswrong.”Icuppedherjaw.“As

itturnsout,youwereboththedamselandtheknight.”

Ikissedherdeeplyandwespenttherestofthenightandthefollowingdaynotmore

thanafewinchesfromoneanother.IfIhaditmywaywe’dspendtherestofourlivesin
bed, but if we did that I wouldn’t get a chance to show Sawyer a surprise I had for her.
AndasmuchasIcometolearnthatshehatessurprises,thiswasoneIcouldnotwaitto
giveher.

CHAPTER27

SAWYER

MOTHER

AND

STARTED

SEEING

THERAPIST

TOGETHER

. E

UGENIA

OLLINS

specializedinsomethingshecalledReligiousTraumaSyndrome.Shewasalsoaspecialist
inthosewhohaveexperienceddomesticmentalandphysicalabuse.

And although Finn would probably benefit from talking to someone like Eugenia as

well, he insisted he was fine. And because of the way he’d been whistling and skipping
aroundwhilepreparingforthebabytoarrive,Iwasinclinedtobelievehim.

Two days a week we’d make the hour-long drive to her office and we’d each do a

sessionaloneandthenonetogether.Itwasenlighteningtolearnabouthowandwhywe
reacttothingsandhowblameissoeasilyplacedwhenitwasnoone’sfaultbuttheperson
whomadeusfeelthisway.

AndIknowmymomwasbenefitingfromitbecauseIcouldseeitinhersmile.The

softening of her features. The way she squeezed my hand every time the therapist said
somethingshecouldrelateto.

To be perfectly honest it wasn’t so much the therapy that did it for me, but the time

withmymotherthatIbenefitedfromthemost.MosttripsI’ddriveandwhilelisteningto
thestoriesshe’dtellandeachtimeI’dlearnmoreaboutthewomanwho’dgivenmelife.
AndeachweekthelifewouldreturnmoreandmoretohereyesuntilIbegantoknowmy
motherastherebellious,funny,spunky,stubborn,andlovingpersonthatshereallywas.

ShestartedworkingwithCritteratthebar.RunningitIshouldsay.Andbetweenthe

twoofthemtheytookonthejobsoffourpeople,justlikeCritterhaddone,althoughnow
hedidn’thavetodoitalone.Shelookedathomethere.Atpeace.Andifyousawthetwo
oftheminteractyouwouldn’tthinkthattwodecadespassedbetweenthembeingtogether.
You’dthinkthatthey’dbeentogethertheirentirelives.That’sprobablybecauseinaway
theyhadneverlefteachother,atleastnotintheirhearts.

Momwasalsolookingforwardtobeingagrandparent.Thereweremanynightswhen

Iheardherbraggingaboutherfuturegrandbabytocustomersatthebar.

Finn and I had finally finished the library although he didn’t have a ton of time

considering he’d found his passion. He’d started buying the half-built housing
communitiesaroundOutskirtsandfinishingtheconstruction.Whathadstartedasabright
promiseofafuture-turnedintoaghosttownnightmare-Finnhadmanagedtoproducean
affordable,environmentallyfriendly,energy-efficienthomeinitsplace.Thefirstonewas
alreadycompletedandsoldandhewasintheprocessofworkingonseveralmore.

Hehadalsomanagedtoconvinceaverylargecarrentalcompanytobuildtheirnew

plant just outside of Outskirts by donating the land for the building. Which meant those
homeshewasbuildingwouldn’tgounused.

ThetownwouldneverbeabigonebutFinnwasworkingonmakingitagreatone.

Andthoughsomewouldsayhispassionwasconstruction.They’dbewrong.

Finn’struepassionwaspeople.

Me,hisdaughter,andthepeopleofOutskirts.

ITH

ONE

SNIP

of the giant scissors Finn and I both held, we officially reopened The

OutskirtsPublicLibrarytotheapplauseandshoutsofourfamilyandfriends.Exceptnow
it had a new name. “Are you ready?” I asked, pulling on the rope connected to the tarp
coveringthenewsignabovethedoor.Westeppedasidetoavoiditfallingonourheads.
Finnlaugheduntilhelookedupandreadthesign.

OUTSKIRTSPUBLICLIBRARY

InLovingMemoryofJackieCallahan

“Youdidthis?”heasked,lookingoveratme.

“Yes.Ididn’twantanyonetoforgetabouther.Includingyou,”Isaid.“Plus,Imight

haveputtwoandtwotogetherwhenIsawyoutalkingtotheskullontheporch,”Iadded,
nudginghimwithmyelbow.

Finnsmileddownatmeandheldmyfaceinhishands,plantingakissonmylips.

“Thankyou,”hesaid,pullingbackslowly.“AndIsentherhome.Toherparents.So,

theycanburyherproperly.”

“Alwaysthegentleman,”Isang.

Critterclearedhisthroatnearby.“Youtwoneedtocutthatshitout.”

“I’ve already knocked her up,” Finn argued. Critter marched toward him and Finn

boltedintothelibrary.

“Iguesswe’regoinginside,”Isaid,linkingarmswithmymother.

InadditiontoatonofnewromancenovelsIreservedanentirewalldedicatedsolelyto

the history of Outskirts, complete with pictures and maps of the town from inception to
howitliescurrently.Inthecenterofthedisplayisabookwithplasticpagessafeguarded
botholdandnewlettersandstoriesfromcurrentandpastresidentsaboutlifeinOutskirts.

“This is incredible,” Finn said, looking at the display in wonderment, smiling and

beamingwithpride.

“Ihaveasurpriseforyoutoo,”Finnsaid,pullingmeintohisarms.

“There are other people here,” I warned between my teeth, knowing how Finn

operated.

Andlikingit.

Finnchuckled.“LikeIwouldletanyofthemstopme,”hesaid.“Comeon.I’llshowit

toyou.”

“Oh,it’slikearealsurprise,”Isaid,followinghimalong.Weleftthelibraryandmuch

tomysurprisewepasthisBroncointhestreetandkeptonwalking.

“Wherearewegoing?”Iasked.

“You’llsee,it’snotfar.Areyouokaytowalk?”Finnasked.

“Yes,”Isaid.Thebabyhadgottenbigger,butIwasfeelinggreat.

We walked hand-in-hand in enjoyable silence. The warmth from his skin pressed

firmlyagainstmineasitshouldbe.AlthoughIwasmuchheavierwithabigroundbelly
fullofbabymystepswerestilllighterthanthey’deverbeen.

Finnbrokethesilence.“DidyouknowthatCritterthreatenedmeagain?”

“Hedidnot,”Isaid,clappingmyhandovermymouthandtryingnottolaugh.

Finn nodded. “He sure did. He told me that now that I’m dating his daughter, and

because I’d knocked her up without marrying her first, that we aren’t to be friends
anymore.”

“What?Buthewasn’tserious…washe?”

Finnsmiledandthedimplemadeanappearance.“Hesaidhe’smovedmeupthelist

andhasmademe‘enemynumberone’inhiseyes.IfIwasn’tthefatherofhisgrandchild
he’d have disposed of me properly a long time ago.” Finn quoted the air on the word
‘enemy’.“AndifIhurtyou,he’sgoingto,andI’mquotinghimdirectlynow,‘ripoutall
myvitalorgansandleaveatrailofthemonthehighwayfromheretoTuscan’.”

“Pointsforbeingcreative,”Iremarked.“Whatelsedidhesay?”

Finnswayedhisheadfromsidetoside.“Well,aftermakingmepromisetoneverhurt

youhetoldmehewasgoingtoholdmetothatpromise.”

“That’snotsobad.”

“Atgunpoint.”

I laughed. “That sounds more like him.” Easily picturing Critter saying those exact

words.Ilovedallhisthreats.Theymademefeelspecialandinaway,Idon’tthinkFinn
reallymindedthemeither.

“So,haveyougivenanymorethoughtintochangingyourlastname?”Finnaskedas

weturneddownastreetI’dneverbeenonbefore.

“Critter and my mom suggested it since she’s legally changed her last name that I

shouldthinkaboutdoingittoo.Ithinkit’sagoodidea.Afreshstart.”Iadmiredthelarge
oaktreesliningthestreet.Therewasalsowhatappearedtobeanewlypouredsidewalk,
thefirstI’dseeninOutskirts.“IneverfeltlikeaDixonanyway.”

Finnbumpedmyshoulderwithhis.“That’sbecauseyouwereneveratrueDixon,you

werea…Critter.”Finnsaid,makingafacebypushingouthisbottomliptoshowhisteeth
andtuckinginhischin.

Ibumpedhimbackwithmyhip.“Ha.Ha.Iknowit’saridiculousname,butit’smy

dad’sridiculousname.Whichmakesitprettygreat.”

Wewalkedalongincomfortablesilenceagainuntilwestoppedatahouseattheendof

thestreet.Abrand-newhousefromwhatIcouldtell.Itwaswhitewithblackshuttersand
aredfrontdoor.“Wow,it’slikeatwo-storyversionofmylittlehouse.”

“Iknowit’snotlikethethree-storyVictorianyoulikedsomuchbutIdecidedtoturn

thatintoahomeforwomenandchildren.”

My shock almost outweighed the extreme happiness that just washed over me like

someonehadpouredabucketofwateronmyhead.“Youownthat?”

Finn looked down to the keys in his hand. “Yes,” he said, like he was reluctant to

admitit.“That’swhereJackieandIlived.Thatwasourhouse.”

I reached out and brushed my knuckles along the stubble coating his jaw. “It was a

beautifulhouse,butnowit’sgoingtobeevenmorebeautifulbecauseofyourplansforit.”

Finnturnedandkissedthepalmofmyhandbeforespinningmebackaroundtoface

the house. “Do like it?” he asked, swinging open the little picket fence and pulling me
inside. The flower beds on each side of the door were filled with tall sunflowers that
reachedhalfwayupthewindows.

“I love it,” I said. “Even more than the Victorian.” It was the truth. There was

somethingaboutthishousethatfelthomier.Morereal.“Isthiswhatyou’vebeenworking
on?”Iasked,unabletotearmyeyesawayfromit.

Finnhadstartedtakingonsomesmallerconstructionprojects,butIhadnoideahewas

buildinghouseslikethisone.“Whoistheclient??”Iwasenviousofwhoevergottolive
insuchahouse,butproudofFinnforhavingcreatedsomethingsobeautiful.Beforehe
couldanswerIadded,“CanIseetheinside?”

I felt like I needed to at least see it once before it the house changed and became

someone’shome.

Finn smiled that smile that made gave me chills and threaded his fingers with mine.

He lead me up the front steps opened the door, guiding me through first and following
behind.

My mouth fell open. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. It was the most amazing

sightI’deverlaideyeson.“Isthisevenreal?”Iwhispered.

Mystateofshockwasn’tbecauseofthebeautifulgreyhardwoodfloorsrunningfrom

alargelivingspaceintoavastandopenwhitekitchen.Itwasn’tbecauseofthedetailed
moldingsaroundthewindowsorthecurvedironstaircase.Itwasn’tevenbecauseofthe
bigdiningroomwithahugedarkwoodtablerunningdownthecenterthatcouldeasilyfit
tenpeoplearoundit.

No, I was reacting to the thousands of tings covering the entire living room ceiling.

They flapped around until Finn closed the door. Although the ceilings were high the
strings were long. As I stepped further into the room they dangled only an inch or two
abovemyhead.“Whatisallthis?”Iaskedmovingfurtherintothehangingtingsuntilthey

surroundedmeonallsides.

Finndidn’tanswer,butthatwasonlybecausethetingsansweredforhim.Everysingle

oneofthemhadthesamehandwrittenmessagescrawledonthem

WILLYOUMARRYME?

-FINN

IspunaroundsofastthatifIwereanytallerI’dbetangledintings.

Finnwasononekneebeforemeholdingoutadiamondringshapedlikeasunflower.

Lightandhappinessandpromisefilledhisalreadyhandsomebrightblueeyes.“So…”he
said,makingmefeellikeIwasabouttoburstoutofmyownskin.“aboutthatlastname
change?”

Unabletospeakrealwordsbecausejoyapparentlydrainsyourbrainofrealcoherent

thoughts, I joined Finn on the floor, kneeling to face him. When I realized he was still
waitingforananswerInoddedsohardIthinkIshouldmywordsloose.“Yes!”Ifinally
managedtoblurtout.

Finn placed the ring on my finger and pulled me against him. Besides, Outskirts, it

wasmyfavoriteplacetobe.“I’msogladwe’rehere,Say,”hewhispered,hislipsfinding
mine. And whether he meant here as in the house, the town, or as in the place in our
relationship,itdidn’tmatter.Myresponsewasthesame.

“Metoo,”Iwhispered.

“I’vegotonemoreforyou,”hesaid,pullinganothertingoutofhisbackpocketand

handingittomealongwithablackmarker.

SHESAID__________.

-Finn

Andofcourse,throughhappytears,IwroteinagreatbigYES.

THE

BEGINNING

FinnandIwerejusttwooutliers,eachonthecuspofdifferentsocieties.

Together,wefoundourplaceanditwasn’tinthetown.Itwasinthepeopleofthetown.
Thepeoplewholovedus.Itwasineachother.Itwasinthenewlifegrowinginsideofme
thatwe’dcreated.

Itwasinfamily.

Ourfamily.

“Andalthoughit’stoolatenow,”Finngrinnedslyly,“IfeellikeIstilloweyouabetter

lessononprocreation.”Heranhishandsundermyshirt.

“Is that so?” I asked as he unclasped my bra and tossed it to the ground. He made

quickworkofhisownshirt,exposinghisdefinedabsandbroadchest.

Mymouthwentdry.Mybodyhummed.

Finnpushedoffhisjeansandboxers,exposinghistightbuttandmuscledabs.Ilicked

mylipsatthesightofmybeautifulman.Iliftedmyhipswhilehepeeledoffmypanties
andshorts.HeliftedandsettledbackbetweenmylegswhereIwantedhimmost.Hishard
heat throbbed at my entrance. “Are you ready for your lesson?” he asked, raising his
eyebrowswickedly.Hisvoicewasraspyandhoarse.

“Yes,”Ibreathed,readyforwhateveritishewantedtogiveme.“I’mready.”

“Good. Because I can’t wait any longer.” We were wild and passionate. Needy and

desperate.

He pushed himself inside of me with one long thrust that made me gasp, filling me

withpleasure,whilefillingmyheartwithlove.

Iadjustedaroundhissize,myinnermusclessqueezedaroundhim.Finngroaned,the

soundmakingmesqueezehimagainandagainuntilthepleasurewasalmostpainful.Until
thereweretearsinmyeyesandweweretheonlytwopeopleexistingonearth.

Heheldmyhandsabovemyheadanddidn’tcontinueuntilIwaslookinghiminthe

eye.“Iloveyou,Say.”

“I love you,” I replied, looking deeply into his eyes. The feeling between us, the

connectionweshared,addedanotherlogtothefireandourpleasureincreased,reaching
heightsIdidn’tthinkpossible.

Atearfellfromthecornerofmyeye.Itwasalltoomuch.

Itwasn’tenough.

Finnkissedthetearawayandbeganaslowandsteadyrhythmthathadmeliftingmy

hipstomeethisthrustforthrust.Wesomehowflippedfromwildsextopassionatelove.

“I’mgoingtomakeyoucomenow,”Hesaidonalowgroan.Hereachedaroundmeto

liftmeupsohecouldhitananglethathadmeseeingstarswitheachlanguidthrust.

“Please,”Ibegged,feelingsoclosetotheedgeIwaspracticallylivingonit.

“Fuck.Ifeelyou.Iknowyou’realmostthere.Damnyou’resotightaroundme.”He

thrust in harder. Repeatedly he pushed in and out until his movements became frenzied
andwewereawashinsensationsandfeelings.

Icouldn’tkeeptrackofwherehewastouchingorwhereourlipswere.

Ifelthimeverywhere.

Mybody.

Myheart.

Mysoul.

The muscles in my lower stomach tightened and he reached under my tank top

brushing his thumb over my straining nipple which sent a shockwave of pleasure to my
core. “I’m I’m…” I couldn’t finish my sentence because I was already too far gone. I
cameinaburstofblindingwhitelightastheimmensepleasureexplodedwithinme.

“Holyshit.”FinnpushedinsideofmeonelasttimeuntilIfelthimexpandwithinme,

releasinghiswarmthwithapulsethatcausedmetoshudderonelasttimeasthelastofthe

intensewaveswashedthroughme.

Thedepthoffeelingwasn’tlikeithadbeenthefirsttimeinthelibrary.Ididn’tknow

howorwhypleasurelikethisexistedbutallIknewwasthatFinnhadgivenittome,and
somuchmore.

A few months later, my father walked me down a makeshift aisle in a field full of

sunflowers.Duringthelastmomentsofdaylight,intheexactspotwheremyparentswere
married,IheldournewbornbabygirlbetweenuswhileFinnandIvowedtoalwayslove
oneanother.

Fiercely.Possessively.Crazily.

Always.

TheEnd

EPILOGUE

SAWYER

HEN

PULLED

ARY

’

ARAGE

FURROWED

BROW

AND

TURNED

INN

“I’mconfused.Whyarewehere?”

“Comeon,”Finnsaid,hoppingdownfromthetruck.

IfollowedhimwithSunny,ourthree-month-olddaughter,ashebypassedtheopened

garagebaythroughthefieldtothebackofthesmallbuilding.Iwastoobusytryingnotto
lose my footing on the uneven earth that I didn’t see what was in front of me until I
crashedintoFinn’sback.

“Whatdoyouthink?”heasked,steppingtotheside.

Mymouthfellopenandininhaledonasharpbreath,coveringmymouthindisbelief.

“It’s….”Itookafewtentativestepsforward,notbelievingwhatIwasseeinguntilIwas
abletorunmyhandoverthefreshlypaintedsideofmymother’srustyoldtruckexcept
nowshewasanythingbutrusty.

“She runs. Really well actually. Got a lot of new guts but she’s still the same deep

down.”

“Butdidn’tGarysaidshewasn’tworthfixing?”Iasked,peekingintothewindowto

takeacloserlookatthenewpowderblueleatherbenchseatandmatchingsteeringwheel.
Everythingaboutitwasnewandclean.

“Garydidn’tseethewayyoulookedatitlikeitwasapuppythathadtobeputdown,”

Finnanswered.

MyheartwarmedatthegesturebutIdidn’tgetachancetosaythankyoubeforeFinn

tuggedmefurtherintothealleywaywhereIhadn’tevennoticedwhatwashitchedtothe
truck.

Mycamper.

“Blue!”Igasped.

“She’sgotalotoflifeleftinheryet,”Finnsaid,whichwasexactlywhatI’dalways

thoughtbutwastolditwasn’tworththeparts.

“Thankyou,”Ibreathed,wrappingmyarmsaroundFinn.“Youmadethemliveagain.

Thankyou.”

“Just like you made me live again,” he said, lightly pinching my chin and placing a

chaste kiss on my forehead. I closed my eyes and leaned into his lips, breathing in his
fresh woodsy scent. “Now come on, we’ve got a lot of road to cover.” He rounded the
camperandopenedthepassengerdoor,makingasweepinggestureformetogetinside.

“We’regoinginthis?”Iasked,stillnotbelievingthatIhadthemback.

“We sure are. Gotta test them out on the road, don’t we? Let’s go show off that

grandbabytomyparents.Everythingisalreadypacked.Nowlet’sgo,Miss.Yourchariot
awaits.”

I’dneverbeensohappy.I’dneverhadsomuchfamilyeither.

IplacedSunnyinthecarseatFinnhadalreadyinstalledandbuckledherin.Whenhe

started the engine, I squealed with delight and ran my hands over the dashboard. It was
stillthesametruckandcamper,buttheyhadbeenmadenewagain.

Rescuedfromruin—rebornintoanewlifetheywerealwaysmeanttolive.

Justlikeme.JustlikeFinn.

Justacoupleofoutliers.

BONUSSCENE

CRITTER

Frankly,I’dwaitedtogoddamnedlongtohaveRichardinthispositiontobeturninghim
over to the authorities. He’d be meeting an authority all right, but I’m positive the one
he’llbeseeingislocatedalotfurthersouththanTheOutskirtsPolicestation.

“Youknow,asakidIwokeuponChristmasmorningwithabutterflyfeelinginmy

stomach.ExcitementoverwhatpresentImighthavegotten.Whatmightbewaitingthere
formeunderthetree.”IleanedagainstthetreethatwastobeRichard’sfinalrestingplace
andlookeddownathim.“I’mkindafeelingthatwayrightnow.”

Hestruggledagainsthisrestraints.“Oh,comeon.Noneedtostruggle.IwasanEagle

Scoutandservedthreetourswiththeoleredwhiteandblue.Ain’tnowayyou’regetting
yourselfoutofthoseknots.”

RichardyelledintotheclothgagI’dshovedinhismouth.“Don’tevenworry,Richard.

I’m not gonna kill ya.” I lit a cigar and tucked the lighter back into my shirt pocket.
“PromisedtheMrs.Iwouldn’t,andunlikeyou,Ikeepmypromises.Also,unlikeyou,she
wasalwaysmywife.Neveryours.Samegoesformydaughter.”

Richardbuckedagain,cursingupamuffledstorm.Ichuckled.“Didn’tknowthatdid

ya?Yeah,weweremarried.Legally,unlikethatbullshitvoodooweddingya’llhaveover
thereupinthecrazytownyoupassoffasachurch.”

I took a deep breath through my nose. “You smell that? Don’t you love that swamp

air?ThatSulphursmellafteragoodhurricane?It’sliketheworldiscleansingitselfofall
ofthedeadthingsitdoesn’tneedanymore.”IlookeddowntoRichardwhoseeyeswere
buggingoutofhisskill.Iruffledhishair.“SeewhereI’mgoingwiththis?”

Iwaskindofdisappointedthisallhadtocometoanend.Iwasenjoyingmyselftoo

much.ButIcouldn’tstay.IhadtogetbacktoCaroline.Tomyfamily.

“This feels good. Satisfying. So satisfying in fact, I felt the need for a pre revenge

cigarette.ButsinceIdidn’thaveoneanddidn’tsmoke‘em,thiscigarwillhavetodo.”

Aboatapproachedinthedistance.Slowlyquietly.Nolights.

Showtime.

IcroucheddowninfrontofRichard.“Youtookmywifeanddaughteranddidn’teven

havethedecencyasamantogivethemagoodlife.Youareaslowastheycome.Anylast
words?”

Ipulledouthisgag.

“You’llgotohellforthis,”Richardseethed.

Ishovedthegagbackinhismouth.Istoodupandtookapuffofmycigar.Ishrugged

astheboatgrewcloser.

“ThenIguessI’llseeyouthere.”IpattedRichardontheshoulder.“Savemeaseaton

thebus.”Ismiledandsetmycigarinmymouth.“Andbuymeafanwouldya?Ihearit’s
hotasfuckdownthere.”

Richard’seyessnappedtothemandressedinallblackwhohoppedfromtheboat.The

blondedevilhimself,JakeDunn,appraisedhisprey,barelysparingmeaglance.Hedidn’t
sayaword,thekidneverdid,buthegavemeacurtnodandthatwasmycuetoleave.

“Sorry,Ican’tstaytowatchtheshow,butI’msureJakehereisgonnamakesurethat

you’rewelltakencareofwhileheslowlysecuresyourticketdownsouth.”

RichardscreamedbehindhisgagasJakeapproached.

WithJakeatthehelmtherewasnodoubtthatRichardDixonwasabouttofinallyget

whathedeserved,andsomuchmore.

“Makesureithurts,”Icalledovermyshoulder,hoppingonmyboatandstartingthe

engine.

“Itwill,”Jakesaid,inatonesolowitwasalmostinaudible.

I took another puff on my cigar and waved a goodbye to Richard with my middle

finger. “I’ll pray for you,” I shouted as I took off to the muffled screams and moans of
RichardgettingthefirsttasteofwhatJakewasabouttodishout.

“Rotinhell,motherfucker,”ImutteredtomyselfasImaneuveredtheboatthroughthe

thickbrushonmywaybackhometomywifeanddaughter.

Myfamily.

After all, I had my work cut out for me with them. Two decades is a lot of time to

make up for. Christmas’s and birthdays. Anniversaries. I was already planning all the
makeupdaysinmyhead.

Afterthatnight,IdecidedIwasnevergoingtoletthethoughtofRichardstealanother

happymomentoranotherhappythoughtfromme.He’dalreadytakensomuch.Hewasn’t
gettinganymore.Notasinglethought.Notfromme.

TheonlyexceptionwaswhenIcouldn’tsleepatnight.Thenmythoughtswoulddrift

tohim.I’dlieawakewithmyarmswrappedaroundCarolineandI’dthinkofhowRichard
methisend.AfterashortwhileitwouldsolvemylackofsleepproblemandI’ddriftoff
likeababydrunkonhismama’smilk.

Richard’sdeathwasthenewcountingsheep.

Whoknew?

BONUSSCENE2

SAWYER

“What’sthat?”Iasked,turningmyheadtobetterhearthemusicbeingplayedbehindthe
doorsoftheordinarylookingofficebuildinginanoldstripmall.

“That?”Finnsmiledandraisedmyhandtohismouthtoplaceachastekissovermy

knuckles.“Isthesoundofreligionnumbernine.”

“Religionnumberninesoundsamazing,”Iadmitted,movingtowardthedoorlikethe

musicwasdrawingmeinside.

“Wait until you hear how it sounds from the inside,” Finn said, opening the double

doors.ThemelodyexplodedallaroundusandimmediatelyIhadgoosebumpsonmyskin
andafeelingofpurejoyinmyheart.Wesatinthebackrowsoasnottodisturbthetwo
dozenorsootherpeopleinattendance.

Theinsideofthechurchwasn’tverychurchlikeatall.Itwasvoidofstainedglassor

depictionsofthestationsofthecrossortheVirginMary.Thiswasasimpleyellowroom
with several rows of white folding chairs on each side of the makeshift aisle. The walls
weredecoratedwithbrightlycoloredchildrenfingerpaintsalongwithbulletinbirdswith
variousflyerspinnedtoit.

The music was coming from a small band set up in the front corner of the room. A

youngwomanwearingrippedjeansandaGuns-N-Rosestanktop,wholookedtobeabout
my age, was the one singing into a microphone on a stand. Her voice was melodic but
haunting all at the same time. We sat in the back row and listened. I was immediately
mesmerizedbyhervoiceandbyherwords.

Wesingforloveandlovealone.

Loveiswhatwillalwaysbringushome.

Weliveforlightbutdarknessstilllooms.

It’sourlightwithinthatwillchaseawaythefeelingofdoom.

“Wow,”Iwhispered,feelinggoosebumpsonmyskinaswellasonmysoul.

Finnsqueezedmyhand.

When the song was over the pastor spoke about love and loss to the crowd. He was

probablyinhisfortiesandhedeliveredhismessagewithsuchcompassionthatmyheart
swelledinmychest.Healsoneverstoodatthefrontofthecrowdorbehindapodium.He
surprised me by walking up and down the aisle making eye-contact with each person in
attendanceincludingmyselfandFinn.

WhentheserviceconcludedFinnbroughtmeuptomeetPastorDave.“I’mgoingto

letyoutwotalk,”Finnsaid,excusinghimselftogosayhellotoanolderwomanI’dseen
beforewhohe’dintroducedtomeawhilebackasanoldfriendofhismother’s.

Wesatinthefrontrowinthenowemptyroom.PastorDavewasthefirstonetospeak.

“Finntoldmeaboutyoursituationandalittleaboutyourbackground.Healsosaysthat
you’rebetweenfaithsrightnow.”

Ilaughedathisphrase.“IguessIneverthoughtofitthatway,butyes,inaway.I’m

writing a blog, about different religions, their history, and what faith really is. I think
maybeI’lllearnwhatitisalongtheway.Ifiguredthebestwaytowriteaboutthemisto
experiencethemformyself.”

His smile was kind, showcasing the fine lines around his mouth. “I think that’s

fantastic.Well,theCliffsNotesonusarethatweareaninterfaithchurchwhichmeansthat
wedon’tacceptanyonefaithisthe‘right’faithortheone‘true’faith.Whatwedohereis
recognize that we are all brothers and sisters on this earth and that we are all in this
together. That’s what we celebrate. People are too busy with the ‘right and wrongs’ of
religion. They’re too caught up on the details. We focus on the goodness in our hearts
becauseGodlivesinourhearts,notinthedetails.”

IthankedhimforhistimeandcontemplatedhiswordsasFinnjoinedmeatthedoor.

“PastorDave?”Iasked.

Heturnedbackaround.“Yes?”

“DoyouthinkitwouldbeokayifIcametotheserviceagainnextweek?”

“We’dlikenothingmorethantohaveyouMissSawyer.”

IsmiledandFinngrabbedmyhand.“Thatwentwell,huh?”

“Yes,yesitdid.”

Ididn’tknowifI’dbecomeamemberofthechurchforthelongterm.AllIknewwas

that Pastor Dave was right. God is the love in our hearts. And my heart? I looked up to
Finn.

Myheartwasoverflowingwithallthestuff.

“DidItellyouthatIdecidedonanamefortheblog?”IaskedFinnaswewalkedhand

inhand.

“No,whatdidyoudecide.”

Istoppedandturnedtofacehim,craningmynecktolookinhisbeautifulblueeyes.

“ThereligiousadventuresofSawyerandFinn.”

UPINSMOKE

AKINGSEREISNOVEL

Frankie

Istealmynervesbytakingadeepbreath.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Smoke bellows angrily as I appear before him

wearingpracticallynothing.

“What?”Iask,usingmymostinnocentvoice.Iglancedownatmysheerblackbraand

matchingpanties.“Youdon’tlikewhatyousee?”IswaymyhipsasIspeakandpressmy
teethintomybottomlip.

Smokescoffs,althoughIcanseefromthewayhisnostrilsflarethatI’maffectinghim.

“You’re…cute,”hesays.Thewayhesayscuteismeantasaninsult.“ButIlikewomen,
notlittlegirlslikeyou.”Hewaveshishandupanddownmybody,dismissively.

And while his words say one thing, his eyes say something completely different,

becausehegivesmybodyanotherlook,lickingmeupanddownwithhisgaze,lingering
onthescrapoffabricbetweenmylegsthenuptothesheertrianglesdoingnothingtohide
mynippleswhichrebelagainstme.Smokewatchesthemastheyhardenunderhisglare.
HetriestohidehissmirkbutIseeitbeforehecancoverit.

“I’mnotalittlegirl,”Iargue.Itakeanotherstepclosergatheringmylongsilkyhair

over one shoulder. “And you’re lying, because if you didn’t like what you see, you
wouldn’tbeeyefuckingmerightnow.”Itrytoremainconfident,keepingupthefaçadeof
theseductress.,Iwasterrifiedthathewaslatetocallmybluffatanymoment.

“Suchbigwordsforsuchalittlegirl,”Smokesaidflippantly.Heshiftedonthecouch

spreadinghislong-sculptedlegsjustabitwider,adjustingthetightdenimathisknees.

“I’mnotalittlegirl!”Ishouted,takingastepforwardinchallengebeforeIstopped,

reminding myself that I wasn’t supposed to be fighting with him. I was supposed to be
seducingthisman,andinturn,possiblysavingmyownlife.

Atleast,that’swhattheplanwas.

Smoke’sperfectthicklipsturnupwardontheends.Helookssmugandinfuriatesme.

Because,ifthiswasafight,heknowshejustwonthefirstround.Myconfidencewaivers
andsuddenlystandinginfrontofhimfeelsmorelikeexposurethanseduction.ButIcan’t
lethimseemyhesitation.

Mylifedependsonit.

“What game are you playing at here?” he asks. I hate the amusement in his voice.

Morethanthat,Ihatehowmybodyrespondstothatvoice.

Theneedtopressmythighstogetherasmycoreclenchesisoverwhelming.Iattempt

todoitsubtly,tryingtocoverthemovementwaswhatIthinkisasexyswayofmyhips.It
doesn’t work. Smoke notices. His chest lately shakes with silent laughter. He leans his
elbowonthearmrestofthecouchandrestshisheadonthetipsofthefingers.Theother
arm resting I’m one of his thighs, his hand falling just below the enormous bulge in his
jeans. ‘Cause, no matter what happens, Princess” he lowers his voice will whisper.
“You’regonnalose.”

“That’s what you think,” I say in my most sultry sounding voice. I’m not sure what

gameI’mplaying.No,Idoknow.I’mplayingagamewheretheprizeismyfreedom.

Mylife.

“Thiswon’tchangeanything.Imeanit.”herepeated.Thereisnotraceofhumorinhis

tone.

Idon’tanswer.Smokecouldtellmehedidn’twantmeallnightlongbuthisdilated

pupils and his darkening eyes told another story. One of lust. I had to do this. I had no
choiceandIwasrunningoutoftime.

Allheneededwasalittlepush.

I unhooked my bra, dropping it to the floor. He watched intently. His nostrils flared.

Heranhistongueoverhislowerlipashedrankmein.

He’squietforamoment.FearspikesthroughmeatthethoughtthatI’velostmyonly

chance.Heglancesbackuptomeetmyeyeslikehehascometosomesortofconclusion.
“Alright,Princess.”Smoke’swickedsmirkisback.Ibrokewiththescarraiseswhenhe
says,“Youthinkyoucanhandleamanlikeme?”

Thewayhesaysitdripswiththechallenge.Withpromise.

Withawarning.

I take another step toward him and make no move to cover my naked breasts. I’m

callinghisbluff,justlikehe’scallingmine.Athrillshimmiesitswaytomyverycore,no
doubtaresultofboththethrillandterrifyingfearwarringwithinme.

“Then come on, Princess.” Smoke unzips his jeans and lifts his hips slightly off the

couch.HepushesthemdownfarenoughtorevealthedefinedVunderneath.Thefabricof
histightblackboxersisstretchedsothinoverhisstrainingerectionIcanseethecolorI’ll
hisfleshbeneath.

Heextendsonelastwarning.“Afuckwon’tbuyyourfreedom.I’malotofthings,but

a liar isn’t one of them. You wanna fuck me?” The way he says the word fuck sends
shiversupmyspine.MynippleshardenfurtherandIpretendit’sbecauseoftheairskating
acrossmynakedflash.“Youwantmetobendyouacrossthiscouchandshowyouhow
realmanfucks?”Henodslikehe’sagreeingtosomethinginhishead.“Thenlet’sgo.But
you’regoingtoregretit,becauseasI’vesaiditchangesnothing.”

Ismilelikehiswordsdidn’tsendspasmsoffearpulsatinginmychest.Whetherthey

weretrueornotdidn’tmatter.Itwasmylastchance.

Myonlychance.

Iapproachthecouchandkneelbeforehim,spreadingmyfingersoverhisjeancovered

thighslikeI’ddonethisamilliontimesbefore.

Ihopeyoucan’tfeelmeshaking.

Smoke grabbed my wrist roughly, lifting it off his leg. He snarled. “This isn’t a

fucking joke, little girl. I know you think you’re smart, and I know there are a lot of
motherfuckersouttherethatwillfallforyourbullshit,butincaseyouhaven’tnoticed,I
ain’t like other guys. I see right through this act of yours. I ain’t buying it.” He leaned
forwardhisfaceinchesfrommine.Hesmellslikealeatherandfreshsoap.“Youcan’tbuy
yourfreedomwithpussy,becauseyourfreedomain’tforsale.”

“It’s not an act,” I lie, defensively with my teeth gnashed together. I try to yank my

wristfromhisgrip,buthesqueezestighter,hisfingernailsbitingintomyflesh.

I gasp when a bolt of heat passes between us. We both lower our eyes and stare at

wherehishandhasmywristtrappedandIwonderifhefellittoo.Theelectriclikecurrent
stillrunningacrossourskinanddeeper.

Smokegrowls,releasingmesosuddenlyIfallbackontothefloor.“Haveityourway,

Princess.”Hesays.Hiseyesaredangerouslydark.Hiseyesareheavilylidded.There’sa
crackle in the air that wasn’t there a moment ago. “Take off my pants and ride me,” he
orders,leaningbackonthecouchheglancesfrommetohisopenjeansthenbackagain.

Shit.

Iswallowedhardandraisedtomykneesagain,Ipusheddownmypantiesandstepped

out,kickingthemofftotheside.Iwasnowcompletelynaked.Exposedtomyenemy.The
nakedness wouldn’t have bothered me before because my intentions were still hidden.
NowIfeltmorevulnerablethanever,becauseSmokeknewofmyintentionsandwasfind
outalltherewastoknowaboutmybody.

Ihookmyfingersintothewaistbandofhisjeansandstarttosnakethemdownover

hiships.Smokemaybeabletoseethroughmeinsomeways,butIstillhavesecretshe
doesn’t know. Secrets he will never know. It’s my turn to look up at him and smile,
knowingly. My turn to look smug as he watches my every movement with laser like
interest.

Smokedoesn’tknowthateverythingI’vetoldhimsincethedaywemethasbeenalie.

Thedayheabductedme.

UpinSmokeisavailableforpreorderandcomingsoon

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Becca,wedidit!!!Thankyousomuch.

ThankyoutoElliefromLove-N-Books.

ThankyoutoKimberlyBrower,myagent.

ThankyousomuchtoallmyamazingreadersandthefabpeopleinFrazierland.

ThankyoutoWanderPhotographyforthisamazingcoverpictureandforbeinganall

aroundamazingperson.

Document Outline

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Epilogue

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