NoRegrets

ChapterOne

Mintchocolatechipisthebaneofmyexistence.Tinyspoonsarethedevil,andcontrarytopopular

belief,icecreamdoesn’tmakeeverythingbetter.

“Thissucks,”Imutterundermybreath.

“Excuseme?”

Iglanceupatthewomanstandingontheothersideoftheglasscase.“Nothing,”Isay,flashinga

half-heartedsmile.

It’sthebestIcandosinceit’sFridaynightandI’mwearingapinkandbrownoutfit.I’vespentthe

lastsixhoursshillingicecreamtreatstoalinesnakingoutthedoorandaroundthecorneroftheshopping
complex.Withthebackofmyhand,Ibrushmybangsoutofmyeyesandpeekattheclock.We’vegot
fourminutesuntilclosing.Inodatmycoworkerandshepushespastthepeopletolockthedoor,cutting
theline.

“Sorry,”shesays,lockingthedoorwithaclick.

Wegetthroughthestringofcustomers,whenagain,I’mremindedthatmintchocolatechipwas

createdbydemons,becauseJoshandTriciaarethefinalcustomers,andIalreadyknowthat’swhathe
wants.Free,ofcourse.Amilkshake,too,whichislikefivescoopsandmakesmywristachelikeaninety-
year-oldwoman.Iturntomyco-worker,Colleen,andoffer,“I’llgiveyouadollarifyou’lltakethenext
order.”

ShelooksoverthecounteratJosh.Hegivesherafriendlysmileandacheesywink.“Hi,Colleen,”

hesays.

Shestepsbackfromtheglasscase.“Noway.He’syourboyfriend;youbreakyourownwrist.”

“He’snotmyboyfriend,”Isay.Joshishandsomeandfunny.He’sagoodfriend.He’salsovery,

verygay.RealizingColleenisalostcause,Ifacehimandpout.“Comeon!Pleasedon’tmakeme,”Ibeg.
Themintchocolatechipisthehardestofalltheicecreams,andafterafullFridaynight,onemorescoop
justmaybreakme.

“IfyoumakeitformeI’lltellyousomethingexciting.”

“Youbuyingnewjeansdoesn’tqualifyasexciting.”

HetwistssoIcanseetheback.Hedoeslookgoodinthosejeans.Andthetightsweater.“Theydo

lookgreat,right?Butthat’snotwhatI’mtalkingabout.Promise.”

Holdingasilverscoop,Irestmyhandonthetopofthecase.“Fine.Whatisit?”

“Milkshakefirst.”

Iglareathim.“Ihateyou.”

“Youwish.”

Iexaggeratethepainandworkthatgoesintomakinghismilkshake,leavingColleentohelpTricia.

I’mnotsupposedtogiveoutfreestuffandifmyjerkboss,Mark,comesin,I’mscrewed.Healready
warnedmeonce.Imean,what’sthepointofworkinginanicecreamparlorforminimumwageifyou
can’tgiveyourfriendsfreetreats?

“Here,”Isay,handingthecupover.“Tellmenowandthenleave.Markwillbebackanyminute.”

Joshsipshismilkshakeandleanedtowardsmeandwhispers,“IthinkIhaveajobopportunityfor

you.”

“You’rekidding,”Isay,alittleloud.Idon’tcare.Ineedoutofthisplaceimmediatelyandhave

desperatelybeensearchingforsomethingelseforweeks.Ihateithere.IonlytookthejobbecauseIwas
newintownandhappenedtohearaboutthepositionfromaclassmate.

“Nope.”

“I’lltakeit.”

“Youdon’tevenknowwhatitisyet,”helaughs.

“Idon’tcare.Ihatethisplace.Andthepeoplethatworkhere.”ColleenshootsmeadirtylookbutI

don’tcare.“Andmybossandhowhemakesuspracticeformingtheperfecticecreamscoopand
weighingitonthestupidscale.AndthemintchocolatechiphurtsmyarmandatnightIhavenightmares
abouttheendlesslinesofcustomerswherethescoopingjustneverstops.”

Tricialickshericecreamconeandshakesherheadatme.Whatever.Herparentsgiveher

spendingmoney.Minedon’t.Ihavenochoicebuttowork.Joshhandsmeaslipofpaperoutofhispocket
withthenameCindyacrossthetopandaphonenumber.“Callhertomorrow.“

Ifighttheurgetosquealjumpupanddown,mostlybecauseI’mnotoneofthosegirlsthatsqueals

andjumpsupanddown.“Thankyou,Josh,I’lloweyouforever.”

He’snotimpressedbecauseIalreadyowehimbygivingmeaplacetostaywhenItransferred

schools.HeandTriciahavebothbeenanawesomesupportsystem,whichwascritical,becausemoving
sophomoreyearcouldhavebeendisastrous.

Hetakesaslurpofhismilkshakeandnods.“Iknow.Forever.”

Beforetheyleavetheshop,hewinksatColleenagain,whosefaceturnspurple.TriciaandIlaugh

atherembarrassmentoverourtoo-hotforhimselfroommatebutIstopshort.Mybossstandsinthe
doorway.Mytiny,trollish,hatesme,boss.

MarkseesthemilkshakeandJoshboltsoutthedoor.Heknowstheshitisgoingtohitthefan.

“Didhepayforthat?”heasks.

“Um,”IlooktoColleenforhelpbutshe’sbusywashingdishesinthesink.“Itwasextrafrom

someonewhojustorderedone.Imadetoomuch,byaccident.”

“Zadie,I’vetalkedtoyouaboutthis.Nofreebiesforfriends—orboyfriends.”

Istareathimhardandthinkaboutkickinghiminhistinyshins.“Itwon’thappenagain,”Imutter.

“No,itwon’t.That’syourfinalwarning.”Hisbeadyeyesglimmerfromthestainlesssteelice

creamcase.“Forpunishment,you’llhavetocomeinearlytomorrowandcleanoutthesodamachine.”

“What?”

“NineAM.”

Iuntiemyicecream-splattered,vomit-pinkapronandtossitonthecounter.“Forgetit.I’mdone

withyoubeingsuchanoverbearingass.”

“Whatdidyousay?”Markistwenty-fiveandthinkshe’skingoftheworld.Becausehemanagesan

icecreamparlor.That’swhatI’mdealingwithhere.

“Iquit,and,”Idiginmypocketandpulloutthreedollars.Mylastthreedollars.“Thisisforthe

milkshake.”

“Youcan’tquit.You’reontomorrow!”

“Sorry.Notanymore.”Iwalkpasthimtothefrontdoor—refusingtogooutthebacklikehe

prefers.

OneglancebackandIseethedumbfoundedlookonMark’sfaceashetriestofigureoutwhatjust

happened.Colleenjustlookssadtobeleftalonewithhim,soIgiveherathumbsupandwalkoutthe
door,pretendingthere’snotonlytwenty-sevendollarsandeighteencentsinmycheckingaccount.

WhateverJoshhaslinedupformeitbetterhappen.Otherwise,I’mscrewed.

*

AfterwashingtheicecreamoffmyhandsandbadgeringJoshformoreinformation,IcallCindy.

Sheasksmetocomeinforaninterviewatthelocalcommunitycenter.ApparentlyJosh’s‘in’waswith
themanageroftheindoorpool.Year-roundworklifeguarding.HeknowsI’mcertifiedfromlastsummer
whenIworkedasacampcounselor.Thepoolpayswaymorethanmybarely-minimumwageattheice
creamshop.

IhandCindymycredentialsandfilloutanapplication.IleavetheicecreamparlorandMarkoff

myreferences.Noneedtoopenthatcanofworms.

“Sobasically,you’llneedtosignupfortwenty-fivehoursaweekinshifts.It’sfirstcome,first

servedonthesign-ups.Whichmeansifyouaren’tproactive,you’llendupwiththe5AMshift.”

“Ouch.”

“Exactly.Wehaveapoolmanager,Henry,thatwilloverseeyouandtheotherthreeguards.Hegets

firstdibsontheshiftssincehe’sinchargeofscheduling.”

“Okay,sure,”Isay,lookingaround.We’reinatinyofficeoffthepooldeck.Basicallyit’sawarm,

humidwarehousewithapoolinside.Askinnyguyaboutmyageloungesintheguardchair,lookingbored.

“Thissummertherewillbesomemoreopportunitiestoaddhours.Wehavesummercamp,which

requiresseveralguardsatonce.Wealsosendyouguysoutonoccasiontootherevents,plusweopenour

outdoorfacility.”

“Soundsgreat.I’llbehereallsummer.”Somestudentsgohomeoverthebreak,butIalreadyhad

plansonstaying.Myparentsdon’tcareaslongasIchipinontheroomandboard.

“Here’sthecurrentweek’sschedule.IwentaheadandsignedyouuptoworkwithTateforthefirst

twodayssohecantrainyou.”Shepushedthesheettowardme.“Youcanfillinthedatesandtimesyou
want.Justmakesureitaddsupto25hours,okay?”

SinceI’mnew,Iobviouslygotacoupleofterribleshiftsexceptforthetwo4-9slotsI’mworking

withHenry.Inoticehemanagestohaveweekendsoffandnoneofthe5AMpositions.Luckybastard.

“Thanksfortheopportunity,”ItellCindyonmywayout.Idon’tknowhowJoshfoundthisjob,but

wordofmouthistheonlywaytofindworkinacollegetown,soI’mnotlookingagift-friendinthemouth
oranything.

“Seemslikeitwillbeagoodfit,”shesays.“Oh,here’syouruniform.”ShehandsmeaT-shirtwith

“Lifeguard”acrossthechest,apairofredshortsandasportybathingsuit.“There’sabookofrulesand
instructionsonthedesk.Feelfreetolookitoverwhenyoucomein.Henry’sagreatguy.He’llmakesure
you’reprepared.”

“Can’twaittomeethim.”

Yep.Nowaythosewordswouldcomebacktobiteme.

*

IrecognizehimtheinstantIsteponthepooldeck,eventhoughIhaven’tseenhimsincehe

graduatedfromourhighschoolthreeyearsbefore.Darkbrownhairarrangedinmessycurls.Athinlayer
ofstubblecatchesmyeye,highlightinghissharp,masculinejaw.Wewearmatchingredshortsandwhite
T-shirts,buthelooksgoodinhisandIlooklike…well,likeadork.

HenryFletcherwenttomyhighschool.He’sayearolderthanmeandwasoneofthoseguysthat

wasalwaysbeentooprettyforhisowngood,toopopular,andhadthatairofinvincibilityaroundhimat
alltimes.Wewereontheswimteamtogetherandweresortoffriends.Oursocialcirclescrossedon
occasionandIhadadeadlycrushonhim.DeadlyformebecauseIonlyhadeyesforhimduringthethree
yearswewereinschooltogether.

InJohnHughesterms,hewasAndrewMcCarthytomyMollyRingwald.

Muchtomydistress,heandhisfriendscalledme‘Pip’becauseI’mshortandtheytreatedmelikea

kid.Thenicknamemademefurious,justlikemysize,andIspentmostofmyschoolyearsactingbigger
thanlifetomakeupforit.MostofthetimeIfailed,butwhenIdecidedtomakemyselfknownittendedto
goofflikeHiroshima.

Kaboom.

MostofmytimebackthenwasspentwithTriciaandJosh.Oneageekytechno-nerdandtheothera

gayguywithapenchantforhats.ButduringHenry’ssenioryear,Idecidedtotakeashotatgettinghis
attention.MyeffortsultimatelyledtocompleteheartbreakandembarrassmentandIpromisedmyselfI’d

neverdoitagain.I’dneverletanunattainableguyconsumemelikethat.

Ever.

Seeinghimnowinallhisridiculoushotnessbroughtbackarushofemotions.I’dbelyingifIsaidI

didn’tstillharborathree-year-oldcrushandatouchoffesteringrage.JoshmusthaveknownI’dflipout
ifIknewHenrywouldbemyboss.

He’scorrect.

“Hey,”hesaid,fromtheedgeofthepool.He’sgrown,ofcourse,overthelastthreeyears,inthat

obnoxiouswayboyshaveofturningintomenbeforeyourveryeyes.Broadchest,leanbiceps.Damn.

ItrytomeethiseyesbutI’mwaitingforthatawkwardmomentwhereherecognizesme.Iwait,

lettingabeatpass,butthenIrealizewithfurtherannoyancehehasnofreakingideawhoIam.Ilowermy
eyesandjuststareathisfeet.Whyaretheyalreadytan?

“I’mHenry.”

“I’m—“

“ZadieParker,”hesays,spinningawhistlearoundhisfinger.OhGod,hedoesrememberme.I’m

notsureifthisisbetterorworse,becausenowI’mwonderinghowhefeelsaboutthewholethingthat
wentdownbetweenus.Youknow,thatwhole‘breakingmyheart’thing.

“Youremembered.”

Hechecksmeoutagain,headtotoeandmycheeksburnunderthescrutiny.WhatIwouldhave

givenforhimtolookatmelikethatthreeyearsago.“Ofcourse,”hesaysnonchalantly,asthoughthisis
notanepicmomentbetweenus.Okay,maybejustforme.

“So,thisiskindofweird,huh?Joshdidn’ttellmeyouworkedhere,”tryingtokeepmyfaceneutral

butnotbitchy.I’vebeentoldIhaverestingbitch-face.Photosconfirmthis.

“Josh?”hesays,hiseyesnarrowinginconfusion.“Youmeanfromupstairs?”

Upstairs?HenryFletcherlivesbeneathmeandIneverknew?Increasingly,theannoyancewith

Henryshiftstomyroommates.Sneakybastards.

“Youwerealwayssuchatinychick,”helaughs,eyesstillsurveyingme.Thenhegoesforthekill.

“Weusedtocallyou—“

“Don’tsayit,”Ibeg.Toolate.

“Pip,forpipsqueak.”

Mycheeksflameredandembarrassmentcreepsdownmyneck.I’mprettysureI’vegotafor-real

bitchfaceonnow.“Yeah.”

Henrysmilesgleefully.Thatstupid,adorablesmile.“How’sitgoing?”

“Prettygood.Ijustgotanewjobandeverything.”

“Right,”helaughs,checkingmeoutheadtotoelikehe’stryingtoputtogetherapuzzle.Ilook

differentthanIhadinhighschool.Thepurple-tintedhairandheavyblackeyemakeupathingofthepast.
I’vegrownmythickhairouttoitsnaturaldarkbrown.It’slongandIhaveswoopybangsthatIbrushto
theside.Oh,andnowIhaveboobs.Theyjustappearedonedaybeforefreshmanyearofcollege.Alate
bloomer,mymothercalledit.Icrossmyarmsovermychestandhesays,“Letmeshowyouaround.”

Ifollowhimthroughthepoolandheexplainsthedutiestome.Openingandclosing.Chemicals.

Lockerroomprocedures.ThewholetimeI’mtryingnottofreakoutaboutthesituation.HenryFletcher.
Theboythatsteppedonmyheart.

“It’sthesamepeopleinandoutofhereallday,”hesays.“You’llstarttorecognizethem.During

thesummerthingsgetsortofcrazywithcampandstuff,butit’sanicechangeofpace.”

“Awesome,”Isay,justhappyit’snotthemonotonyoficecream.Althoughit’snotperfect.Ifan

myselftryingtogetsomeair.

“Yeah,itgetshotinhere.NoAC.Makesureyoustayhydratedandstepintotheoffice

occasionally.”Hebreaksintoagrin.“I’dhatetocomeinandhavetoreviveyou.”

“Haha,”Ilaughwhiledyinginside.Myreactiontohimisstrictlybasedonmyemotionally-stunted

sixteen-year-oldself.Hewassuchajerkbackthen.I’mashamedofmyselfforfallingforaguylikethat.
Today?It’dneverhappen.

Henrywrapsthetourupandtellsmetotakethechairwhilehedoessomepaperworkintheoffice.

Bypaperworkhemustmean‘talkonthephone’,becausethat’swhathespendsthenextcoupleofhours
doing.Atclosing,Icleanupthelockerroomsandstrugglewiththelaneropeswhilehechatsupthepretty
girlfromthefrontdeskwhokeepscomingbacktodeliver‘messages’.

Wewalktothefrontdoorandhebolts,leavingmetofindmycaraloneinthedarkparkinglot.

Ah,right.That’stheHenryFletcherIremember.Self-absorbedanddouche.Whatacharmer.

*

“Ican’tbelieveyoudidn’ttellmeHenryFletcherwouldbemyboss!”IshouttheminuteIenterthe

apartment.

“Shhh!Yeti!”Joshshoutsfromhisspotonthefuton.He’ssnuggleduptoDavey,hissort-of-

boyfriend.Tricia’sonthechairnexttothemandtheyhaveontheirfavoriteshow.Theonewherethey
trackdownYetisorBigfootorsomething.ThenonsenseIlivewith.

Iheadtotherefrigeratorandgrabsomeyogurtandpourahandfulofchocolatechipsintoit.Bythe

timeIgetbacktothelivingroom,theYetishowisoncommercialbreak.“Howwasyourfirstday,dear?”
Joshasks,lookingthepictureofinnocence.“DidyousaysomethingaboutHenryFletcher?”

“Mydaywasepic,”Isay.“Youknow,otherthanthatHenryFletcherthing.Whatthehell?Don’t

evenpretendlikeyoudidn’tknow.”

“Wait.Henryworksthere?”Hismouthhangsopeninshock.

“Youknew,right?”

“No!IfoundoutfromTateChristensen.Wehavebiotogetherhetoldmeapositionwasopening

up.I’vegotclassallsummersoIpasseditalong.”

“Tate?HeandHenrywerebestfriendsinschool,”Isayliketheydon’talreadyknowthis.

“Theyprobablystillare,”Triciasays.“I’veseenhimdownstairsacoupleoftimes.”

“Aboutthat,”Isay.“DideitherofyouhaveanyplansontellingmeHenrylivesinthesame

apartmentbuilding?”

“Uh,yeah.”Joshrollshiseyes.“Henryliveswiththestonersdownstairs.”

“Thanks.”Igivethemboththestink-eye.Un-freaking-believable.“Isthereareasonyounevertold

mehelivedinthesamebuilding?”

“Prettymuchbecauseweknewyouwouldloseit,”Triciasays.SheglancesatJosh.“Wewere

right.”

Betrayal.

“He’shot,isn’the,”Triciasays,cuttingtothechase.

Isigh.“Hotterthanbefore.”

“Stupidguys.Theynevergetunhot.Alwayshotter.”

Iglareatmyfriend.Shesquirms,knowingshe’sinforaworldofpainwhenIgetheralone.The

torchIcarriedforHenryislegendary,includingtheheavydoseofembarrassment.SheknowswhatI’m
goingtodealwith.HowI’mgoingtoturnintoamushyschool-girlaroundhimeventhoughIdon’twant
to.

“Tate’sgrownintosomethingfiercealso.Heturnedallthatfootballweightintoalean,mean,fuck-

hotmachine.Ikepthopingmaybehewasgoingtojoinmyteam,butno,heseemsintotheladiesstill,”
Joshsayssadly.Davey’sbeenquietthiswholetimebuthenodsinagreement.

“Sowhat’sthebigdealwiththisHenryguy?”Daveyasks.He’snewtoourgroupsinceJoshmet

himatthenot-totally-gay-gay-club.Whateverthatmeans.

TriciaandIgiveeachotheralook.Joshsighsandasks,“Doyouwanttotellhimordoyouwant

meto?”

Islumpinmychair.“Dowehavetodothis?”

“Yes.Talkingaboutitwillmakeitbetter.”Joshhastakentwopsychclassesandfancieshimselfa

therapist.HeshiftsandfacesDavey.“Inhighschool,ZadiehadthebiggestcrushonHenry.Beyonda
crush.Itwascompletelyobsessive.”

“Josh,”Ithreaten,butit’suseless.He’sright.

“Theywereontheswimteamtogetherwhichmeanttheygottohangoutaloteventhoughthey

weren’tinthesameclass.EveryonewasprettyfriendlyandHenry’ssenioryear,hestartedflirtingwith
heralittle.”Joshmakesasympatheticface.“Eventhoughit’sallprettyfriendly,itwasobviousto
everyonethattherewassomethinggoingonbetweenthem.Weallthoughthe’daskherout.”

Triciacutsin.Alittletooeagerly,Imayadd.“Aroundthistime,thedateforseniorpromwas

announcedandalltheupperclassmenbeganaskinggirlstogo.Alotoftheseniorsaskjuniors,somanyof
thegirlsinourclassalreadyhaddates.BrianMerchant,agoodfriendofHenry’s,askedmetogowith
him.Duringallthis,Henryremainssuspiciouslydatelessexceptforthefacthe’shangingoutmoreand
morewithourgroupandcontinuingtoflirtshamelesslywithZadie.”

“Sodidheaskyoutogowithhim?”Daveyasks.

“Worse,”Joshsaysdramatically.“Hedoesn’taskZadiebutgoesaroundandtellseveryoneheis

goingtoaskher,thenultimatelydoesn’t.Infact,hedidn’tevengo.Hehadafamilyweddingorsomething
outoftown.”

“Ouch,”Daveysays.Myfriendsnodinagreement.

“That’snoteventheworstpart,”Triciasays.TheybothlookatmeandIstudymynails.“Noone

wouldaskherbecausehetoldeveryonehewasgoingtotakeher,”Triciaadds.

“Wow,”Daveysays,eyeswide.“Sohemarkedhisterritory,notwantinganyoneelsetoaskyou,

butthendidn’tevengo.”

“That’showIseeit,”Joshsays.“Butitdoesn’tendthere.”

“IthinkDavey’sheardenough,”Isay.

Joshrollshiseyes.“Hurtandfurious,Zadiecalledafriendofherfamilywhowenttotheall-boys

catholicschoolandaskedhimtobeherdate.”

Daveynodsapprovingly.“Smartmove.Ishecute?”

“Carterisdropdeadgorgeous,”Triciasays.“Sheshoweduplookinglikeshefelloutofthepages

ofafashionmagazine.”

“Whatever,”Isay,butit’strue.Ilookedhot.

“ThensheandCartermadeoutonthedancefloor,lefttogetheranddisappearedintomybedroom

atthepostprompartyatmyhouse,”Joshcontinues.“Fromthehallwayweheardthebedrockingand
creaking.Zadieenteredtheroomagirlandcameoutawoman.”

“OhmyGod.Shutup,”Isay,butweallstarttolaugh.“He’sfullofshit.Thatneverhappened.”

“Buteveryonethoughtitdid,”Triciasays.“TheplanwastomakeHenryjealousforditchingher.”

Daveylooksincredulous.“Diditwork?”

Ishrug,ignoringthepaininmychest.“Idon’tknow.Weneverspoketooneanotheragain.Until

today.”

“Wow,”Daveysays.

“Zadiechangedherentiresocialstandingthatday.ShenolongerneededHenryFletcherandhe

wasgraduatinganyway.ShelostherVcard,atleasttheschoolthoughtso,andsheendeduppretty
popular.”

“Toopopular.That’swhyIwenttoElton.Togetawayfromeveryone.Iwantedacleanbreak.”

“Butyouendedupbackhereanyway?”Daveyasks.

“Yep.”Itrynottoshowmydefeat.

Joshsensesmydiscomfortandshiftstheconversation.“Forgetthepast.Let’stalkaboutthepresent.

DidyougettoseehiminaSpeedo?”

“No.”Igulpatthethought.Helookedprettygoodinonebackinhighschool.Icouldonlyimagine

itgotbetter.

“Thisisgoingtobeawesome,”Triciasaysevilly.“Watchingyoufreakoutallsummer.”

“I’mnotfreakingout,”Isay,crossingmyarmsinanattempttolooknon-freaking.Imutter,

“Traitor.”undermybreath.

“Whatever,”Joshsays.Triciagivesmeanot-nicegrin.Theyknowmetoowell.Theonlyone

remotelysympatheticisDaveyandIsuspectthatwillchangesoonenough.

“Youknowhotguysaresortofmykryptonite,especiallyHenry.”

“That’sthedumbestthingever,”Joshlaughs.“Imean,we’refriendsandI’mlikethebestthing

that’severhappenedtoyou.”

“Shutup.”Istickmytongueoutatbothofthem.“Henrywasreallymeantome.”

Tricia’sfacesoftens.“I’msureheandTatehavebothgrownup.Maybeitwillbefun.”

“Douchey?Clueless?Self-absorbed?”Iask.“I’mnotsensingalotofchangehappened,otherthan

gettingbetterlooking.”

“Ouch,”Triciacringes.

“Andcalledme‘pipsqueak’.”

Herhandclaspsoverhermouth.“No.”

“What?”Daveyasks,butIcutthemoffbypointingattheTV.

“Ohlook,Yetis,”Isay,andmakemyescape.Ileavemyroommatestotheirnonsense.Inmyroom,I

peeloffmyredlifeguardsuitandcrawlintopajamas,donewiththisday.

ChapterTwo

Thelastfourweeksofspringsemestertakeonarhythm.School,work,home.Examsarebrutalbut

Imanagetogetthroughthem.SinceI’matransfer,Ihavetocatchuponsomefinalcoreclasses.Atmy
old,tinyschoolmyclassesweresmallandtheprofessorsknewme.Therewasnowaytoblowoffa
class.Here?Asmallclasshastwohundredstudents.TheteacherismorelikelytobeaTAanddoesn’t
careifyoupassorfail.It’sweirdbutIliketheinvisibility.EvenifitmeansIhavetoworkharder.

Homeisneveraproblem.TriciaandJoshmakeeverythingfun.Ican’tbelieveIleftthemtogo

awaylastyear.ThankGod,theygavemeaplacetostayandsupportwhenIneededit.Noquestions
asked.It’ssoweird.WhatIthoughtwouldbegoodforme,asmallschoolwithaclosecampus
community,endedupbeinganoosearoundmyneck.

Work?Wellworkhasturnedmeintoabasketcase.HenrykeepsschedulingmetoworkwithTate,

whichisokay,Iguess.Otherthanthefacthe’slazyandflirtsnon-stop.Witheveryone.Well,anyonewith
aD-cupandblondehair.

Unfortunately,orfortunately(notsurewhich)forme,myhairisreddish-brownandmyboobsare

solidlyintheB+range.Tatestillhitsonmethough,butit’sprettyobvioushe’snotseriousaboutit.I’m
notsurehecanstophimself.It’slikeit’sprogrammedinhisDNA.

“SoPip,”hesaysoneafternoon.“Yougotaboyfriend?”

“Huh?”Helooksatmeexpectantly.Iwasn’teversureifheevenknewIwasthereornot.Not

betweentherotatingsororitygirlsthattendedto‘dropby’duringhisshifts.

“Boyfriend.Doyouhaveone?”

Ishakemyhead.IhadonebutIdon’tmentionit.Thatshiphassailed.“No.”

He’sonlymakingconversationthough,becausehesimplyshrugs,goingbacktohisbook.

Afteraweekofworking,I’dsecretlyhopedtosnagashiftwithHenryoratleastseehimin

passing,butnothing.Howhelivesinmyapartmentbafflesme.Ihaven’tseenhimoncesincemovingin.

“Pip,”Tatecalls.He’sgotanarmfuloflanerope.“Comehelpmeputthesein.”

Iwalkoverandmakeaface.“ThatmeansIhavetogetinthewater.”

“You’realifeguard.Gettinginthewaterispartofthejobdescription,”hesays.

Ipulloffmyshirtandshorts,pilingthemonabenchagainstthewall.Tate’seyesarealloverme.

I’mnotanidiot.Iknowhewantstocheckmeoutinmybathingsuit.Sadly,it’stherequiredredguardsuit
thatrevealsnothingbuthe’sapervertsoI’veprobablymadehisday.

Ihopinthewater,yelpingatthecold.“Damn,”Isay,turningaround.TomysurpriseTate’staken

offhisshirtandhasjumpedinthewaternexttome.HolyJesus,hischest.Joshwasn’tlyingabouthim
lookingbetterthanever.

“It’seasierifwe’rebothinthewater,”heexplains,swimmingpastme.

Ieyehimwarilybuthestaysononeendofthepoolandweadjustthelaneropes.Oncewefinish,I

hoistmyselfoutofthepool,shriekinginsurprisewhenIstandup.

“Holycrap!”IyellinHenry’sface.Iwobbleontheedgeofthepoolandhegrabsmyarm,stopping

mefromfallingbackwards.

“Youokay?”heasks,stillclingingtomyarmeventhoughI’mupright.

“Yeah,thanks.”MytowelhangsfromthebackoftheguardchairandIquicklywrapitaroundmy

body.IfinallygetachancetoseeHenryagainandthisishowIlook.Drippingwetlikeadrownedratina
lameone-piecesuit.Perfect.

Byperfect,Imeanhe’sperfect.Longishbrownhair.Iceblueeyes.Warmtanskineventhoughit’s

notsummeryet.EveryemotionfromeveryminuteIspentcrushingonhiminschoolcomesbubblestothe
surface.Includingthedefeatandsadness.

“Heydude,gotyourcheck?”Tatesays,dryingoffwithatowel.

“Yeah,headingtothebankbeforeitcloses.”

Theystandcloseandtalkaboutsomething.Partiesorfriends.Maybemathclass?Ihavenoidea.

Theydon’tseemtonoticemeandIfeellikeaneavesdroppersoIgrabmytowelandclothesandheadto
theofficetochange.

WhenIcomeout,Henry’sgone,butastick-straight-hairedblondeTri-Delthastakenhisplace.Tate

givesmeawinkwhenIwalkpasttofinishcleaningupthepoolbeforeclosing.

Anotherday,anothergirl.Guessthingshaven’tchangedmuchafterall.

*

“Yousawhimhavingsexinthelockerroom?”Triciaasked.Sheheldapieceofpizzainherhand,

buthermouthhungopeninshockovermyidioticco-worker.

“Yes.Itwas…howdoIdescribeit?”Iconsider.“Equalpartsgrossandhot.”

I’mexplainingtoTriciaabouthowIwalkedinonTateandhisgirloftheweekbanginginthe

lockerroomacoupleofdaysbefore.Hehadherpressedagainstthemetaldoors,pantsaroundhiships.I
couldseethetwodimplesoverhisassandwow.IboltedbeforeIgotcaughtbeingacreepingcreeper.

“Icanseethat,”Triciasays.

“Oncewasenough.NowIcleanupeverythingandleavethemen’schangingroomtohim.Aslong

asIdon’thavetoseeit,IguessIdon’tcare.”

IfIthoughtgettingcaughtwouldchangehisbehaviorIwaswrong.Eachshiftwasthesame.

Anothergirl.Anotherduckintoaquietcorner.Henevermentionedittome,butIknewthatwhenIdidn’t
tattleonhimthefirsttimeI’dsealedmyfateashisperversesortofwing-woman.

“I’mnotevenpissedaboutthesexthing.Imean,it’sgrossandwhat’swrongwiththosegirlsfor

degradingthemselveslikethat,butit’slikehedoesn’tevenconsiderthefactI’mthereorthatthiscould

beweirdforme.”

“Tobefairhe’snevernoticedyou—oranyonewithoutarecordofsluttybehavior—much.Why

shoulditbeanydifferentnowthanitwasinhighschool?You’llprobablyalwaysbe‘Pip’tohimand
Henry.”

“Thanks.”

“YouknowwhatImean.”

“IthoughtI’dcomeoutofmyshell,youknow?Imovedawayforayear.Ihadaboyfriend.Idon’t

dressinallblack,headtotoe.ThatwholeepisodewithCarterandpromchangedmealot.”

“Youhavechanged,butguyslikeTateChristensenaren’tgoingtonoticeunlessyoufitintoa

certainmold.Andwhydoyoucare?You’reneverbeenintohim.”

“Iknow,”Igrumble,pickingatthegoatcheeseonmypizza.

“ButHenryisadifferentsituation.”Shepushesherglassesuphernose.She’stransformed,too.

Nerdyhot.Geeksarein,andI’mnotsurprisedshe’sadaptedsowell.She’salwaysbeencute,andwhen
shefiguredouthowtotameherbushyredhairandfreckles,sheturnedintoaknockout.“Doyoustilllike
him?”

Ipushmyplateaway.“Idon’tknow.Seriously,”Isaywhenshegivesmeadisbelievinglook.“I

feellikehedoesn’tgethowmuchhehurtme,youknow?Iwantanapology,buthejustactslikenothing
happened.”

Triciafrowns.“Tellhimtofuckoff.”

“He’ssortofmyboss,Ican’ttellhimtofuckoff.”

“Tellonhim—hehasabossright?”

Icrossmyhandsovermychest.“I’mnotarat.”

Shepicksupherpizzaandtakesahugebite.Shechewsslowlyandliftshershouldersatme.“I

guessyou’rescrewed,”shesays.“Unlessyoufiguresomewaytogethimbytheballs.”

“Idon’twanttotouchhisballs,”Isay,butmymindwanderstoHenryandwhathelookslikewith

hisshirtoffandwhathisbodywouldfeellikeundermine.Fine.Hisballs,too.

“Okaysoyoucan’ttellhimtof-off.Makeamove.Takecontrolofthesituationthistime.Show

himyou’reahot,desirable,independentwoman.Makehimwantyouthewayyou’vealwayswantedhim.
Itworkedbefore.”

“Itdidn’tworkatall.Weneverspokeagain.”

“Well,thenwhatdoyouwant?”sheasks.“Forserious.”

“Seriously?”Iask.“Iwanthimtoadmitthathehurtmeandthatheknewwhathewasdoing.Iwant

himgivemetherespectIdeserve.Andsure,Iwanthimtowantme.Allofthatiseasiersaidthandone.I
cantellheeitherdoesn’trememberwhathappenedbackthenorhedoesn’tcare.Andtrustme,hedoesn’t
wantmeanymorenowthanhedidthen.”

“Howdoyouknow?”

Ilaughbitterly.“Iknow,okay?”

“Ohwell,”Triciasays,shrugginghershoulders.“Iguessyou’renotreallythebadassyouthought

youwere.

“Whatdoesthatmean?”

“Ifyouwere,youwouldn’tstopuntilHenryFletcherwasbeggingyoutogooutwithhim.”

Ithrowanapkinather,wishingitwassomethingharder,butshe’sright.Icommandmylife.Iam

masterofmydestiny.WhydoIletotherpeoplecontrolmychoices?I’myoungandattractive.There’sno
reasonIcan’tspendthesummerruiningtheseguys’livesthewaythey’vemanagedtoruinmine.

“IfIwantedtomakeHenryFletcherbegmetogooutwithhim,howdoyouthinkIwouldgoabout

that?”Iask.

“Areyouforreal?”Thecreasebetweenhereyebrowsdeepensasshetriestofiguremeout.

“Totally.”

“Thenweneedaplan,”shesays.“Becauseifyoudon’thaveone,youandyourbigmouthwill

fuckthisup.”

Webothknowit’strue.ThisiswhathappenedwithmeandCarter.Sure,Henrywasajerkfor

leavingmedatelessbutmymethodofrevengeonlysealedthefateofourrelationship.Oncetherumors
cameoutaboutmeandCarterhebackedoffcompletely.

“Okay,”Isay.“Icansticktoaplan.”Anxietysurgesinmyveins,becauseonceIgodownthispath

there’snoturningback,butforonceIjustwanttorushforward.Nomatterwhereittakesme.

*

Iwalkintothemeetingroomwithmychinheldhigh.AftermytalkwithTriciaandalargeyogurt

withGummibears,Idecideshe’sright.I’mbetterthanthis.I’mbetterthanTate’slackeyatwork.I’m
hotterthananyofthegirlsHenrydatedinschool.I’mtheirequal.No,I’mbetter,andIwanthimtoadmit
it.

IdecidetoproveitwhenCindycallsalltheguardsintoherofficeforameetingtodiscussthe

summerschedule.Idressalittlenicerthanournormalworkuniform.TightgreenT-shirt.Cut-offshorts.
Sandalswithawedgedheel.It’snotmuch,butit’snoticeable.AmIcheapeningmyselftogetaguy’s
interestandmakehimregrethischoices?Yep.

IcallitOperationPayback.

“Hey,”IsaysittingnexttoHenry.Itrynottolethisprettyblueeyesthatcontrastoffofhisdark,

shaggy,just-got-out-of-bedhair,swayme.

“I’mworthit,”Imumbleundermybreath.

“What?”

“Oh,um,”Ifalter.“Ihopethismeeting’sworthit.Ihaveatonofworktodo.”

“Yeah,I’mreadyforthissemestertobedone,”hereplies.

Inoticehe’sgotpaintunderhisnails.

“Doyoustilltakeart?”Iask,leaningoverthedeskcausallyandpointingtohisfingers.

Hiseyesflicktomychestandthentohishands.“I’manartmajor.Howdidyourememberthat?”

“Irememberalmosteverythingabouthighschool.”

Hesnorts.“Irememberenough,butthat’sthegoodthingaboutweed.Youdon’thavetoworry

aboutshitgettingyoudownforlong,right?”

Henrywasalwaysthedifferentoneoutofthegroup,alittlemoreartsyandcreative.Ismokedup

withhimandtheotherboysinBrianMerchant’scrappygarageinhighschoolacoupleoftimes.Tricia
hadacrushonBriananddraggedmeoverthere.We’dsitinthehot,greasygaragepassingjoints,getting
highandtalkingaboutnonsense.UnlikeTate,Henrydidgivemethetimeofday.Jokingaroundand
teasingme.Ithoughtitmeanthelikedme.Thisshouldhavebeensignnumberonethatmyinstinctsabout
guyswereshoddy.

“Ihatethesemeetings,”hesays.

“Theshinehasn’twornoffthisjobformeyet.Mylastonewasanightmare.”

“I’mnotsurethisonewillbeanybetterbutit’sprettyeasy.”Hecrosseshislegs,bouncinghisflip

flopoffhistoes.

Tatewalksintheroomandit’sliketheskyparts,droppinganangelfromheaven.Ihearagasp

behindmefromagirlandtwoothersmurmurtooneanother.Hepropshimselfontheedgeofthedeskand
startsflirtingwithoneofthegirls.

“He’ssuchawanker,”Henrysays.

Ilaugh.“What?Youguysarefriends,right?”

“Sincethefifthgrade,butit’strue.Look,I’llsayittohisface,”hesays.“Dude,stopbeingsucha

wanker.”

TateflipshimoffandCindywalksinandshootshimadisapprovinglook.

“Alrightguys,let’sgetstarted,”Cindysaysfromthefrontoftheroom.“Startingintwoweeks,

everyonewillsplitintodifferentjobs.Threeofyouwillruntheoutdoorpoolwhiletheotherswillstay
onarotatingscheduleindoors.Ineedacoupleofyouoncampduty—whichisanover-nighttwicea
monthjob.”

“Whereareyouworking?”Henryasks.

“I’mnotsure,”IsaybutI’vegotaplan.I’mnotuptoawholesummerofTateandhislockerroom

bootycalls.I’mgoingtowaitandseewherehesignsupandpickelsewhere.

“I’vegotseniorityandplanontakinganoutdoorposition,”Henrysays.“It’sfun,youshouldwork

withus.”

ThreeyearsagoIwouldhavediedifHenryFletcheraskedmetoworkwithhimforthesummer.

Theopportunitytoseehimdayinanddayoutshirtlessandtan?Sold.Butnotnow.OperationPayback
involvesmeplayingaloofandhardtoget.Whenthepapercomesbytwoofthethreeoutdoorguard
positionsarealreadytaken.HenryandTate.

ItakeadeepbreathandgoagainsteveryinstinctIpossessandsignupfortheindoorpool.

Theinkisn’tevendrywhenShelly,aTri-Delt(accordingtoherT-shirt),snatchesthepaperfrom

myhandandscribbleshernamenexttoTate’s.I’msurethey’llbeveryhappyworkingtogether.Or
humpinginthepumproom.Whichever,Iseeitasawin-winsituation.MaybenotforHenry,buthecan
justsmokeajointandchillout.See?Win-win-win.

I’monmywaytothecarwhenIhearHenrycallmyname.“Zadie,waitup,”hesays,runninginmy

direction.

Iclutchmykeysinmyhandandstop.“Yeah?”

“Isawyousignedupforindoorpool.Whydidn’tyousignupwithmeandTateattheoutside

location?”

Icoughandclearmythroat.“Um,whywouldyouwanttoworkwithme?”

“Wegetalongokay,right?Ithoughtitwouldbecool.”Hefixeshisprettyblueeyesonmine.Ilook

away.

“Yeah,I’mjust…”Isearchforalamelie.“I’mnotreallyintothesunandbeinghotandstuff.”

“Oh.”Hisshouldersslumpalittle.“Toobad.”

“Shellyseemscool.Youguyswillmakeagoodteam.”

Hescratchesthebackofhisneckandwrinkleshisnose.“Sure,she’sokay.Tate’sgoingtobeall

overher.”

“Sucksforyou.”Iopenmydoor,tossingmybaginthepassengerseat.“I’vealreadyhadthe

pleasureofwalkinginonhimonce.I’mnotreallykeenondoingthatagain.”

“Isthatwhyyouwon’twork?BecauseIwon’tletthathappen.Promise.”

“That’soneofthethings,”Iconfess.Ibitemylipandcan’thelpbutnoticeHenry’seyesgluedto

mymouth.“I’msureitwon’tbethatbad.Havefun,Henry.”

Ihopinmycar.He’sstillintheparkinglot,handsinhispocketswhenIpulloutofthedriveway.

PhaseOne?Complete.

ChapterThree

“Waithere,”IsaytoJoshandTricia.Ihopoffmybikewhiletheywaitontheirs.Yes,bikes.It’s

howwegetaround,especiallywhenwe’regoingout.We’vemadeastoponcampus.Gradesareoutand
theonlyoneI’mworriedaboutisGeography.It’snotthekindwithmaps.It’ssomesortofdevilclass
aboutrockformationsandweatherpatterns.I’mhopingtoscrapebywithaD.

AfterfindingmynameandIDIwalkbacktothegrassyareawheremyroommatesarewaiting.

“So?”Triciasaysfromthebackseat.

“Ipassed,”Isaywithagrin.“IgotaC.I’lltakeit.”

“Woohoo!”Joshyells.Heturnstomewithagrin.“Let’scelebrate.”

WerideacrosstownandcampoutataskankybarcalledMotorhead.It’ssituatedontheedgeof

downtown,nearthethriftstoresandrandomstorefrontchurches.Thebarisdarkandalittlesmellybut
theydon’tcheckIDsatthedoor,andJoshis21sohejustbuysusdrinksatthebar.

“Topassingsophomoreyear,”Isayandweraiseourglasses.

“AndtoZadiecominghome,”Joshadds.Weclinkagainandtakehugegulpsofourdrinks.It’s

dollarfishbowlmargaritanight.Thesethingsaredelicious.Anddeadly.

“I’msogladyoucamehome,”Triciasays.“I’mlosingJoshtothegayworldandgoingtoclubs

withhimalonemakesmeafaghag,andI’mjustnotreadyforthattitleyet.”

“Awguys.”Isniffandwipemyeyes.“Me,too.Eltonsucked.”

“Whywasitsobad?”Joshasks.

Ihadn’ttoldthemmuchaboutwhyItransferred.Iusedmymajorasmostofmyexcuse.Eltondidn’t

haveacreativewritingprogrambuttheUniversitydid.Butthatwasn’ttheonlyreason.Itakeanother
gulp.“Itwastoosmall.Everyonekneweverythingabouteveryone.Worsethanhighschool.”

“LikehoweveryoneknewAngelaMarkhamandCharlesPrimrosehadsexintheequipmentshed,”

Joshasks.

Triciashuddersatthethought.“Yes,likethat.”

“LikewhenHenryFletchermadeaclaypipeinartclassandthengotcaughtsmokinginthebackof

thekilnroom?”Joshcontinues.

Ilaughatthememory.Whatadork.“Exactly.Itwasjustapressurecooker.Ididn’twanttogo

GreekandallofmyfriendswereandIjustwasn’thappy.”

“Butthisisbetter?”Joshasks.

“Somuch.Theotherday,Isatatthestudentcenterwithfiftyotherpeopleandnooneknewmeor

whatIdidthenightbefore.”Iplacemyhandovermyheart.It’scalm.

“Youdidn’tdoanythingthenightbefore,”hepointsout.“You’reinbedbynineeverynight.”

“Wellno,butIcouldhave.Noonewouldhaveknownotherwise.It’sawesome.”

Wespendtherestofthenighttalkingaboutthesummer.Joshhastotakeafullloadofclassessince

hemessedaroundtheyearbefore.Triciahasaninternshipatthecourthouse.Herdad’sdeterminedshe
followinhisfootstepssohepulledsomestrings.Itisn’tapaidpositionbutherparentsagreedtofundher
summerifshetookit.

“Whendoyoustart?”IaskwhenJoshgoestogetanotherround.

“Monday.”

“We’llprobablyneverseeeachother.I’vegotthesestupid5AMshifts.”

“Ihopetheseearlyshiftsworkoutforyou,”Joshsaysplacingthehugeglassesinfrontofus.“I

knowyou’replayinghardtogetorwhateverbutthatseemslikeitwouldbemoreenjoyabledoingwhile
watchingtwohotboysgoaroundshirtlessallsummer.”

MyminddriftsatthethoughtofTatewaistdeepinthepool.He’spermanentlytanandhasthemost

invitingtrailofhaironhislowerbellythatdarkenswhenhe’swet.There’snotanounceoffatonhim
whichI’mnotsurehowhepullsoffpartyingallthetime.Muscleyisn’tmytype,though.I’mmoreintothe
longandleanlook.Wideshouldersatthetop.

LikeHenry.

Ishakemyhead,tryingtowipethevisionofhimfrommymind.“It’snotworthit.Beingignoredall

summersoTatecansexitupwithsororitygirlsandJedimindtrickmeintocleaningallthebathrooms?
No,thankyou.AndI’mjustnotgoingtofallintothatsamepatternwithHenryagain.”

“Jedimindwhaat?”Triciaasks,slurringthelastpartofthesentence.

“Nothing,”Isay.“Plus,theplanistoseeifHenryevennoticesmeoncetheseasonstarts.Ifnot,it’s

betterformetonothavetobearoundhimallthetime.”

“Wouldn’tthisbeeasierifyoujusthadaflingwithhimorsomething?”heasks.Joshisn’t100%

behindOperationPayback.

“YouknowI’mnotintocausalsex.I’mnotjustgoingtodosomehotstonerbecauseIhavean

unrequitedcrushonhim.”

“Girl,youdon’t’do’anyone.Maybeyoushouldn’tbesopicky,”hesays,leaningoverthetable,

yell-whispering.We’rewalkinghometonightforsure.

“WhydoIhaveto’do’anyone?Can’tIbehappyalone?”

“No,”theysayinunisonandcrackup.Thejukeboxchangestoaheavymetalsongfromthe80’s.

“Ideclarewemeeteverydollarmargaritanighttodrinktothesummerandcatchup.”Thisis

ridiculoussincewelivetogether,butmyheadswimsfromtequila.Ileanovertogivemyfriendsa
drunkenhug.

“Deal!”Triciashoutsinmyear.

*

Theonlypeopleatthepoolat5AMarethelapswimmers.Thesamepeopledayinanddayout

cometothepoolandswimbackandforth.There’sthecricketlady,whomovesherarmsinastrangeway
thatmakesmethinkofcricketlegs.I’vediscoveredshecomestothepoolthreetimesaday.Idon’teven
knowwhatthat’sabout.Thenthere’stheoldmanandwomanwhoswimexcruciatinglyslow.Ihaveno
ideahowtheyswimsoslowly.Thebest(worst)partishowattheendofeachlapthewomanspitsacross
thepooldeck.Yes,spits.

Disgusting.

It’squietenough,andaslongasit’snottoobusy,we’reallowedtoread.Anythingnottofall

asleep.

It’sweektwoofsummerbreakandI’mthirtyminutesintomyworkday.Ihatethisjob.Notasmuch

astheicecreamparlorbuttheinsidepoolissortofmiserable.Okay,it’stotallymiserable.I’m
contemplatingallthiswhenIseesomeonemovingaroundtheofficeandIgetuptocheckitout.I’m
surprisedtofindHenryrummagingthroughthedesk.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask.He’snevercomeinthisearlybefore.Theoutdoorpoolopensat

ten.Hisskinhasalreadyturnedawarm,cinnamonbrown.

“Iwantedtotalktoyou.”

Iglanceoutatthepool.Mrs.OldLadyjusthockedanotherloogieontothepooldeck,otherwise

thingsarecalm.“Whatfor?”

“CindyneedstwopeopletoworkatthesummercamponFridayafternoonatthecampfortheirbig

endoftheweekparty.ItoldherI’ddooneofthem.Youinterested?”

“ThisFriday?”

“Yeah,it’satDaltonLake,whichislikeanhourdrivefromhere.Wecanridetogetherifyou

want.”

“I’msupposedtoworkamorningshiftthatday.I’mnotsureIcanhandleboth,”Iadmit.I’malso

lookingforawayoutbecauseIdon’tknowifIcanpulloffanhourlongdriveinacarwithHenry
Fletcherwithoutfreakingout.

“Cindywillcoverforyou.Ialreadyasked.TateandShellyaretakingtheoutdoorpoolhours.”

Iraiseaneyebrowatthatone.They’llprobablyspendeveryadultswimsexingitupinthestaff

room,butwhatever.Theirissue,notmine.Ifinallynodandsay,“Okay,Friday.Whattime?”

Thecornersofhismouthtugintoagrin.“I’llmeetyouatmycararoundten?”

“Soundsgood,”Isay,watchinghimleavewithonehandalreadyonmyphone.He’sbarelyoutthe

doorswhenIsendatexttoTricia.

OperationPayback,PhaseTwoBeginsNow.Help!!

*

FridaymorningIrolloverandhearacrinkleundermyface.Isitupandreachforthepaper.It’san

explicitTo-DolistfromTriciafortheday.She’stitledit:OperationPaybackor,HowtoWooHenry
FletcherOneStepataTime.

Wespentthenightbeforehavingamarathonofallthe“NiceGirlsTurnedSluttytoGettheGuy

whoReallyJustWantedtheNiceGirlAllAlong”moviesfromthepasttwentyyears.StartingwithJust
OneoftheGuysandSixteenCandlesbeforeendingwithEasyA,wefiguredthebestwaytogetbackat
Henrywastoaccentuatethepositive.Inthiscaseitwasmyboobs,myskinnylegs,andmyhair.

Ohandkeepingmefromsayingsomethinghostilethatwouldblowthiswholething.

“Thesemoviesaresortofridiculousbuttheyfocusononething.Gettingtheguy’sattention.Ifyou

candothat,you’rein.It’salmostlikeanexactscience.Now,Iwouldn’tsuggestitifHenryhadn’talready
expressedsomeinterestinyou,buthehas.Wejustneedtogethimtostopwaveringandcommit,”Tricia
saidafterthelastmovie.EmmaStonerocks.IwishIhadOlive’sballs.

“Henryhasn’tevercommittedtoanyone,”Irepliedwarily.“Hewasnotoriouslysingleinhigh

school.”

“Becausehe’schicken.Youneedtodrivehimcrazy,”Triciacontinues.“Makehimwantyousobad

thathehasnoproblemadmittingit.”

Ipackmybagfortheday,guardsuit,shortsandatowel.Iwearsomethingdifferent.Atightyellow

tankwithbuttonsdownthefront.Thelistsaystounbuttonthree.Imanagetwo.Shortshortsandflipflops.
There’sanotationthatsays,“Changeinthecarifyouhaveto.Sexy.”

Gulp.

Henry’satthecarwhenIcomedown,freshlyshoweredandsmellinglikeheaven.Mysensesare

assaultedbyhisdeliciousnesswhenthecardoorscloseandIfighttheurgetoleanoverandinhale.

Focus,Itellmyself,studyingtheinteriorofthecarinanattempttoavoidacompletepanicattack.

Paperwristbandsaroundthegearshift.Somewithfraternitylettersandpartynames.Othersfrombarsin
town.Abrokenpairofsunglasseshangsfromtherearviewmirrorandabeadednecklacethatlooks
familiar.

Ifighttheself-doubtcreepingovermeandrunmyfingerdownthebeads.Iswallowbackmy

nervesandask,“DoyourememberthatdayweallskippedschoolandwenttoLullwaterPark?”

HiseyesareontheroadbutIseethehintofrecognitiononhisface.“Sure.WithBrianandPeter?”

“Yeah,TriciawasthereandwesmokedupunderthemagnoliatreesandplayedFrisbeeall

afternoon.”

“Petermadeushaveracesrollingsidewaysdownthebighill,”helaughs,glancingmyway.“That

wasagoodafternoon.”

Ibitemytongueandjustnod,becausetomeithadbeenagloriousafternoon.Brightandsunny.The

sunwarmedourskineventhoughitwasn’tsummeryet.BrianaskedTriciatopromandHenrygavemea
piggy-backride.Wewerestonedandsilly.MorethanonceHenrylookedatmelikeImeantsomethingto

him.Ihadsuchhopes.

Weavoidthepasttherestofthedrive,talkingmoreaboutclassesandmajors.Thestandardthings

collegestudentstalkabout.Thecarridegivesmeanopportunitytobolstermycourage.We’reoneven
ground.Heeitherdoesn’trememberhowthingswerebetweenusoriswillingtoforgetit.Eitherway,I
planonusingitagainsthim.

*

SixhourslaterIstandbythecar,sunburnedandexhausted.Lifeguardingapoolpackedwithkidsis

waydifferentthansupervisinglapswimmers.Lessspitting,morehorseplay.ForthefirsttimeIgottouse
mywhistle.IhavetoadmititcarriesalevelofpowerandexhilarationIneverexpected.

Anotherbonuswasthenon-stopHenryogling.Damnhe’shot.Reallyhot.Itriedtoactaloofwhile

hepeeledoffhisshirtandcoveredhimselfwithsunscreenbutIfailed.Epically.

Ontheflipside,IknowhepeekedwhenImasterfullyputonmybathingsuitinthebackseatofthe

car,expertlyflashingjustenoughskintoraisehisinterest.Sucker.

“Youready?”Henryasks,throwinghisstuffintothebackofthecar.

Itossmybaginbehindhisandsitinthepassengerseat.Hecrankstheairconditioningandthe

radio,blastingoursenseswithsomethingotherthanheatandsweat.Ileanbackinmyseatandsay,“Okay,
Iadmitit.Ithoughtworkingtheindoorpoolwastiring.Thatwaskiller.”

“Theindoorpoolisjustboring.Atleastthiswaythedaygoesbyfaster.”Hereachesoverand

presseshisfingeragainstmynose.“Yougotalotofsun.”

“Toomuch,”Itellhim,lookingdownatmychest.It’sturningapurplishred.

“Itoldyoutowearmoresunscreen.”

He’dchidedmemorethanoncefornotapplyingenough.“IwastiredofbeinginsidesomuchI’d

wantedatan.LookslikeIgotfriedinstead.”

Henrydoesn’treplybutIseehimtwistinghishandsonthesteeringwheel.Ikeepmyeyesonthe

windowbecausehisfidgetingmakesmenervous.Thecarridehomeismostlysilent,otherthantheradio.
We’rebothbeatandIcatchmyselfdozingoffmorethanonce.Ifeelthecarslowwhenwegetoffthe
highwayandforcemyselfawake.Whenwe’reneartheapartmentHenrysurprisesmebysaying,“Iwant
youtochangeyourmindaboutthissummer.”

“What?”

“Todaywasfun,right?Comeworkatthepoolwithus.”

“Itwasfun,”Isayslowly,tryingtocatchhisangle“ButmyargumentaboutTatestillstands.”

Heturnsintotheapartmentcomplexandfindsaparkingspace.Heshiftsintogearandpullsupthe

parkingbreak.Lookingdirectlyatmewiththoselethalblueeyeshesays,“AreyousureTate’sthereal
reasonyouwon’tworkwithus?”

Andthereitis.Iturnawayfromhisgaze.“Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.”

“Thelastinteractionbetweenuswaswhenyouwrotethatpoemaboutmeintheschool

newspaper.”

MyheartjumpstomythroatandIcough.“Whydoyouthinkthatwasaboutyou?”

“Zadie.”

“Henry.”

“Whenaddedtogether,thefirstletterofeachlinespelledoutFuckYouHenryFletcher.”

“Oh,that.”

“Yes,that.”

Rightbeforeprom,whenhe’dmadeitclearhewasn’tgoingtotakemebutnooneelsecouldeither

Itookmyvengeanceoutwithmypen.It’snotjustmymouththatgetsmeintroublebutmyhands,too.
UnfortunatelyforHenry,thenewspapersupervisor,Mrs.Chance,didn’trealizethesecretmessageinmy
writing.

Idon’thavealottodefendmyselfwith,soIshifttheblamebacktoTate.“Thathasnothingtodo

withit.Ijustdon’twanttodealwithTateandhiswomanizingallsummer.”

Hetenseshisjaw.Afteranawkwardpauseheseemstoletthetopicdrop.“Ican’teither.Thereis

nowayIcanworkwiththemallsummer.IcaughttheminthebackseatofTate’scartheotherdayduring
adultswim.Theflirtingisnauseating.I’mafraidI’llwalkintothemallthetime.”

Iwrinklemynoseindisgust.“Yeah,nothanks.”

Hedropshisheadagainstthecarseat.“Please,Zadie.You’remyonlyhope.Don’tleavemewith

themaloneallsummer.”

“WhatmakesyouthinkIwon’tfallpreytoTateChristensenmyself?”

“I’msureyouwill,”hechucklesdarkly.“ButatleastIcancallyouonitifyoudo.”

ItwistinmyseatsoI’mfacinghim.“Firstofall,Iwon’tfallforhim.I’veknownhimforyearsand

evenifIwasinterested,trustme,he’snotinreturn.Ihaveabrainandmyboobsaretoosmall.Second,I
alreadytoldyouno.Igotstuckworkingwithhimalready.Hesucks.”

Hestudiesmewithanimpressedgrinandsays,“WhatifIcangethimtopromisenottobringany

girlstothepool?”

Igivehimasuspiciouslook.“Youknowthatwon’twork.”

“Ithinkitwill.HewantsShellygoneanyway.”

Inarrowmyeyes.“Wait,what?Why?”

“Iguesshe’sdonewithher.”

“You’rekidding,right?”I’mincredulous.“He’ssuchapig.”

“Ithinkhepreferstheonenightstandandit’salltooclose.Look,Idon’tcare,butifIcangethim

toagree,willyoucome?Ineedsomesortofrationalpersonthere.Also,togetherwecangangupon

him.”

“Hmm…”Iconsider.“Idolikethatidea.Canwemakehimcleanthebathrooms?”

Awidersmilecrosseshisface.“IthinkIcanarrangethat.”

Ilookoutthecarwindow.Ireallydon’twanttospendthesummertrappedinside.Andspending

timewithHenryatworkisthebestwaytogethisfullattention.“I’lldoit,”Isay.“Butonlyifheagrees.I
havesomeotherrules,too.”

“Likewhat?”Hefrowns.

“Noweedatwork.I’mnotdealingwithapothead.”

Heliftsaneyebrowbutnods.“Okay.”

“Andnosexistjokes.Orrudebehaviorfromeitherofyou.”

“Obviously,”herollshiseyes.

ItmaybethatI’mlightheadedfromthesunandheatorI’mjustsimplyexhausted,butIrubmyeyes

withmyhandsandsay,“Fine,I’lldoit.”

“Excellent,”hesays,withahuge,adorablegrin.Heoffersmehishandoverthecenterconsoleand

Ibracemyselfnottoswayfromthefeelingofhishandinmine.Thisisgoingtobeadisaster.

“WhendoIstart?”Iaskoncewe’reoutofthecar.

“Tomorrow.I’lldrive.”Hestartsupthestepsbutpauses.“Ihaveonecondition,too.”

“What?”

“I’mseriousaboutyounotfallingforthatpuppydogfacethinghedoestochicks.I’llcallyouon

it.”

“Whatface?”Iask.Henryrollshiseyesandthenstunsmemakinghisownsexypout.Myknees

giveoutfromundermeandIgrabtherailing.Wherethehelldidthatcomefrom?Igathermyselfand
declare,“I’mimmunetoTateChristensenandI’mdamnsurehe’simmunetome.”

“Good.”

ImaybeimmunetoTate,butHenryFletcherisanothersituationalltogether.

*

ChapterFour

Isleepuntilnine,relishingthefactIdidn’thavetowakeupattheasscrackofdawn.

“Lookatyou,”Joshsays,glimpsingoverhislaptopatthekitchentable.“Twodaysinarow.I

thoughtyou’dturnedintoavampire.”

“Youwish.”Ipointtomyredblisteredskin.“Nosparklesthough.”

“Haha.”Hegivesmeastinkeye.JoshhadanotoriouscrushonEdwardCullenoursenioryearin

highschool.HepushedhardforaTwilight-themedprom.Sadly(forhim)helostouttoGatsbyandthe
roaring20’s.He’sstillbitter.

IreachforabottleofOJandtakeaswig.Joshslipsapencilbehindhisearandsays,“Sohaveyou

madeyourmoveonHenryyet?”

“No.Butheaskedmetoworkwithhimattheoutdoorpool.Andwespentthedaytogether

yesterday.I’mworkingmywayin.”

“Goodjob,”hesays,lookingimpressed.“What’sthenextstepinOperationPayback?”

“Luringhimwithmyfemininewiles.”

Joshclampsahandoverhismouthtokeepthecoffeefromsprayingeverywhere.“You’rekidding.”

“Hey!”Iprotest.“Ihavesometricksupmysleeve.Henrywillneverknowwhathithim.”

“Ifyousayso.”

IleaveJoshinthekitchenandstartdownstairs.IwanttoarguewithhimbutIknowhe’sright.

ContrarytoAustinHighrumor,I’mnotreallythatadeptatseducingguys.AllI’vemanagedtoprovetime
andtimeagainisthatIknowhowtocauseascene.Now,inanewsetting,I’mdeterminedtoseewhere
thingsreallystandwithHenry.Canwegobacktothestartingplace?CanIforgetthebumpypathI’ve
takensinceourrelationshipchanged?

*

ThewarmsunhitsmyfaceandItakeadeepbreath.Thenanother.ThankGodforfreshairand

sunshineandbeingoutdoors.IwanttograbHenryandTateinhugsofappreciation,butIdon’t.Mostly
becausemyskinisstilltenderfromthesunyesterday.Also,I’mnotconvincedTatewillholdtoourdeal
andI’mtryingnottobeoffendedbytheideaHenrythinksI’msounappealingTatewon’teventrytomake
amoveonme.

Thepoolitselfisprettynice.Threesidesconsistofrowsofloungechairsandtablessetupwith

umbrellas.There’safenced-offbabypool,andneartheentrance,agrassyfieldwithaplayground.We’re
standingjustoutsideofastoneshelterthathasabigsittingareaandalsohousesthechangingroomsanda
guardoffice.

“SowhathappenedtoShelly?”Iask,consideringforthefirsttimesomeonehadtoswitchpositions

formetomovetotheoutdoorpool.

“IttooksomefinaglingbutImovedhertoacamppositionandswitchedJefftotheindoorpool,”

Tatesays.

Ithinkofnerdy,skinny,paler-than-a-ghostJeff.“PoorJeff.”

“Eh,heactuallyvolunteered.Somethingaboutsunstrokeandbugs.Idon’tknow.”

Henryshowsmethebasicsofthepool,howwe’llrotatechairseveryhour.Twointheseatsand

onewalkingaroundthedeck.

“Whichchairdoyouwantfirst?”heasks.

DespitemyredskinIpicktheoneintheblazingsun.“Thatone.”

Wemovetoourseparatepositions.Ipulloffmyshirtbutkeepmyshortsonovermyredsuit.Tate

hasbeenshirtlesssinceIgothereandI’vemadeeveryattemptnottopervoutonhischest.It’sreally,
reallyhardnottolook.

“Don’tforgetsunscreen,”Henrysays,holdingmeabottle.

Ignoringhim,Iclimbuptheladderandintothechairbythedeependandsettlein.Henrytakesthe

otherwhileTatestrollsaroundthedeck.

Thepoolfillsupwithmomsandyoungkidsinthemorninganditshiftstoteensaroundlunch.

Lifeguardingseemsboringbutwhenthepooliscrowded,liketoday,thingsareprettyactive.Idohaveto
forcemymindnottowanderovertoHenryandcheckhimout,orthinkaboutthewayhisabswouldfeel
undermyfingersorwhathispoutylipstastelike.

Aroundnoon,Irealizewithdelight,howmuchmydealwithTatewilltorturehim.Thepoolmoms

havecaughthisattention.Andviceversa.

“Ourdealincludesthem,”Iwarnduringabreak.We’reunderthesheltercoolingoff.

“Who?”

“Thosecougarseyeingyoufromacrossthepool.”

Hedoesn’tlookupfromthesheetwherehe’srecordingthechemicaldata,buthiseyebrowquirks

justenoughthatIknowhe’sawareofwhoI’mtakingabout.

Asifoncue,oneofthemomscomesover,swayinghertinyhipstoaskTateaboutreservinga

privateparty.Herbathingsuitisun-ironicallyleopardprintandshewearshugesunglasses.Atidypony-
tailholdsbackherlongflowinghair.Shestumblesoverthewordprivateandrestsherhandonher
shoulder,toyingwithherbikinistrap.

“Ohman,”Imutter,walkingovertoHenry.“There’snowayhecangothewholesummerwithout

hittingthat.”

“Probablynot,butaslongashekeepsitoffpoolpropertyit’scool,right?”

IglanceoveratMrs.RobinsontleaningasclosetoTateaspossible.Heleansagainstthebuilding,

armscrossedoverhistan,rocksolidchest.Anirrationalwaveofjealousyrollsoverme.“Notreally.She
haskidsandaweddingringon.”

“Ithinkyou’regettingburned,”Henrysays,interruptingmyjudging..Ilookdownandseehowred

mychesthasturned.“Yourneckisbad,too.Youwantmetospraysomelotionon?”

“No,”Isay,walkingbacktothesheltertograbmyshirt.

“Oh,honey,”thewomansays,leaningacrosshimtotouchmyarm.“Makesureyouwatchthat.”

“I’mfine,thanks,”reachingformyt-shirttocoverup.Great.Mrs.Robinson-SassyVixencan

prancearoundinherbikinibutIhavetocovermyselfupbecauseI’maghost.Oranover-boiledlobster.
Ugh.

“Youdon’tthinkshereallywantstoscheduleapartydoyou?”Iaskonceshewalksaway.Itiemy

shirtintoaknotatmywaist.

“Whocares?”hesaid,eyesgluedtoherbackside.“I’mgameforwhatevershewants.”

Idon’tcare.Idon’t.ButIcatchmyselfstaringathisbackandcursemyself.

“She’shot,”Henrysays,joiningourconversation.

“Youtoo?”Isay.Istudyherasshewalksaway.She’snoteventhatpretty.Long,basicbrownhair.

Herbody’skillerbutherfaceissortofmeh.OhmyGod,IneedtostopjudgingotherwomenthatIamnot
jealousof.Not.

Heshrugs.“I’vegotnoproblemwitholderwomen.”

HeandTatebumpfistsandIthrowmyhandsupinexasperation.“Whatever.Youtwosuck.”

Ileavetheminafitoflaughter,blowingmywhistletodrownthemout.

*

Thatnight,aloneinmyapartment,Igingerlyliftmyshirtoffmybackandwinceatthepain.Myskin

haspuckeredlikealobster.Ifeellikeone,too.Ineedlotion.Ineedsoothing.Ineedsomethingand
someonetomakeitbetter,butJoshandTricialeftmetosufferalone.

Ouch.

Iwrapmyselfinahotpinkcover-up,thekindyouwearatthepoolwithnostraps.Iliefacedown

onthecouchwiththeremotecontrolandaDietCoke.IrealizetoolatethatI’veforgottenthecandy.

I’dplannedtowritetonightsinceI’dbeenbusyandtiredlately.Findingtimeusuallywasn’ta

problemforme,notsincetransferringschools.I’dlostthatcreativepartofmyselfatElton,optingfor
boyfriendsandkeggers.PartofthereasonforcomingtotheUniversitywastosettlebackintomywriting
ways.Butthissunburnhurtslikeafuckerandthere’snowayIcanfocus.

I’mwatchingafoodshowwhensomeoneknocks.“Whoisit?”Iyell,stillstomachdownandnot

planningonmovinganytimesoon.

“It’sHenry.”

“Whatdoyouwant?”

“Um,tocomein?Youleftyourbaginmycar.”

“Fine,okay,comein.”Atleasthecan’ttellI’membarrassed.

Henrywalksin,brownandglowingfromhisdayinthesun.He’sgotmybagoverhisshoulderand

hasonaT-shirtwithBobMarleyonthefront.Whenhefinallylooksup,hiseyespopwideopen.He
fightsalaughsandsays,“Ohhell.”

“It’snotfunny.”Mycheekpressesagainstthecouch,makingthewordscomeoutweird.“Ithurts,

Henry,”Iwhine.

“Itlookslikeit.”Hedropsthebagonthecoffeetable.“Itoldyoutowearsunscreen.”

“Don’trubitin.”

“CanIgetyouanything?”

“Yes!”Istruggletomyelbows.“There’schocolatebythemicrowave.Willyoubringmesome?”

“Sure.”Hedisappearsintothekitchen.I’msurehisapartmenthasthesamelayout.“Howmany

piecesdoyouwant?”

“Justbringallofit.”Whyevenlie?

Henrysetsthecandydishonthecouchinfrontofme.I’msurprisedwhenhetakesaseatinthe

armchair.Sure,weworktogethernow,butwearen’texactlyfriends.“Sowhat’sthisshow?”

“Manvs.Food,haven’tyouseenit?”

“Nah,wedon’thavecabledownstairs.”

“Really?”Whodoesn’thavecable?

“Myroommateisafilmmajor.Allhewatchesismovies.Likefourorfiveaday.He’scompletely

obsessed.”

“Well,thisguythattravelsaroundandeatscrazyfood.Likemonsterhamburgersorthehottest

wingsintheworld.”

Wesittogetherinsilenceforawhile,meeatingcandy,himwatchingcableandoccasionally

glancinginmydirection.I’venoticedthatwheneversomeonedoesn’thavecabletheyactliketheydon’t
careuntiltheygetaroundit.Thentheyturnintozombies.Theirbrainstrytoabsorballthepopcultureat
once.

“Wantone?”Iaskthroughamouthfulofchocolateandcaramel.

Hetakesone.“IbetSidcoulddothat,”hesays,referringtothehostoftheshoweatingapizzathe

sizeofadiningroomtable.

“Who’sSid?”

“Oneofmyroommates.Theonewiththeshavedhead.TheotherisCharlie.”

Ishakemyhead.Noclue.“Ihaven’treallynoticedthem.Ijustmovedin,”Isayindefense.

“Ohright.Iforgot,”hesays.HiseyesflickinmydirectionandbackattheTV.“Wherewereyou

before?”

“AsmallschoolinTennessee.Elton.”

“Iknowit.”

“Youdo?”Nooneeverrecognizesthename.

“Sure.I’veheardofit.”HechewshiscandyandIcan’thelpbutstareathisperfectjaw.Orjawof

perfection.Whicheverhe’ssofreakinghot.“Whydidyoutransfer?”

Ishrug.“Justwasn’thappyIguess.”

“Beingawayfromhomecanbehard,especiallythatfar.”

“Itwasn’thomesickness,”Isay.“Itwastoosmall,likewaytoosmall.Itwasgivingme—“

Istopshort,butheseemsgenuinelyinterested.“Givingyouwhat?”

“Istartedhavinganxietyattacks,”Iadmitforthefirsttime.IhavenoideawhyI’mtellingHenrybut

Ikeeptalkinganyway.“Ifelttooexposedinsuchasmallenvironment,likeIcouldn’tbreathe.”

“Soyoupickedoneofthebiggestuniversitiesinthesouthinstead?”

“Yep.”

“Sothesmallschoolmadeyoualittleneuroticbutthebigschoolmakesyoufeelsafe.Iguessit’s

prettyeasytogetlosthere.”

“Exactly.That’showIwantit.Togetlost.”

Hisblueeyesboreintomine.Ishoveanotherpieceofcandyinmymouthandglanceaway.WhenI

lookbackagain,Henry’snotlookingatmyfacebutlower.Iglancedown.Mytophasslippeddownand
myboobsarehalfout.Goodgrief.Itugthefabricup.Nowonderhewantedtostay.Damn.

Busted,heblinksandmeetsmyeyequickly.Thetipsofhisearsturnredandheshiftsinhisseat.It

feelslikeaneternitybeforehefocusesbackontheTV.

It’snotlongbeforemanconquersfood,thehostmanagingtoeatthegiantpizza.Henryrubstheback

ofhisneckandsays,“TheguysprobablywonderwhereIwent.IguessI’llseeyoutomorrow.”

“Thanksforbringingmybag.”Igrimace,liftingmyselfoffmystomachtoasittingposition,making

suretokeepthegoodscoveredthistime.Iwanttodrivehimwild,notscarhimforlife.“Andgettingthat
candy.Iwaskindofobsessingoverit.”

HenrysmilesandIseehowitmakescrinklylinesaroundhiseyesandhowhestillhasthatone

crookedtooth.“Night,Zadie.”

“Night.”

ChapterFive

Mysunburnfadesandmybackandneckturnintoapeelingmess.I’mlikeasnakesheddingitsskin.

“Dude,howcanyoudothat?”Tatewatchesuswithaclearlookofdisgustonhisface.

“It’saddictive,”Henrysays.

Heavy,rain-filledcloudsthreatentodumponusanyminute.Thepoolisprettyquietotherthana

coupleofmomsandkidsnearthebabyarea.Mrs.RobinsonhasspentthedaytryingtogetTate’sattention
byroamingaroundthepooldeckinherbikini,makingjokeswithhimandbeingageneralnuisance.Right
nowshe’sspreadeagleonaloungechair.Desperatemuch?

Sinceeverythingissocalm,I’msittingonastoolinfrontofHenrywhilehepeelsmybackskinoff

inlongstrips.Hisfingersaregentleandeveryonceinawhilehegrazesjustbelowmyear.

“OhmyGod,”Henrysays.“Thisoneishuge.”

Ifightanotherticklishshudderashisfingerstouchmyback.

“Gross,”Tatesaysanddisappearsintotheoffice.Althoughingeneralweallaregettingalong

okay,HenryandIhavebecomefriendlyprettyfast.Tateseemsatalosswhenwehangout,confusedby
ourconversationsandconnections.

“Okay,”Henrysaysinmyear.“Buffy.”

“Seasonsix.”

“Really?SeasonsixissortofdirtywiththeSpikestuff.”

Ishrug,IlikeSpuffy,Iwon’tdenyit.“HowaboutAngel?”

“Seasonfive,”hesays.

Ismile.“Metoo.”

We’replayingwhat’syourfavoriteseasonofvariousclassictelevisionshows.Thisstartedafter

wegotintoadiscussionoftheawesomethatisJossWhedon.“AngelorSpike,”heasks.

“Applesandoranges,”Itellhim.Hisfingersbrushacrossmybacklookingforaloosepieceof

peelingskin.“DrucillaorHarmony?”

“Drucilla.”

WecontinueplayingforawhileuntilTatecomesoverandsays,“Listen,Henrywhydon’tyou

knockoff.TherearenotenoughpeopletojustifyallthreeofusbeinghereandZadiealreadyhas
tomorrowoff.”

“Yeah,okay.”Henrylooksatme.“Youneedmetocomebackandpickyouup?”

“Uh,”Istart.We’dbeenridingtoworkeverydayinhiscarsinceIjusthavemybike.“Icancall

Josh.”

“Icangiveyouaride,”Tatesaysandadds,“ifyouwant.”

“Sure.Soundsgood.”I’malittlebummedHenry’sleavingearlysincewehaveagoodtime

together,butTate’snotsobad.Alittleboringanddefinitelydouche,buthe’sstillmajoreyecandy.

Henrygrabshisthingsandleaveswithawave.Isettlebackinmychairwatchingthethreelittle

boysinthebabypoolsplashingaround.Anotherpairofgirlsplaymermaidintheshallowend.

“Soyoulikeallthatgeekstuff?”Tateasks,droppinginthechairHenryjustvacated.

“Yeah,Iguess.”

“LastyearIdressedlikeThorformyfrat’ssummerparty.”

Ican’thelpbutsmile.TheideaofTatedressedlikeThorissortofadorable.Andsmokinghot.

“Didyoucarryabighammer?”

Heliftsaneyebrow.“I’malwayscarryingabighammer.”

“Nasty,”Isay,butI’mlaughingandsoishe.“Soundslikeacoolpartyidea.”

“It’sarager.Theyhaveittocoincidewiththeblockbustermoviestuffsincetherearesomany

actionmoviesinthesummer,”heexplains.“Youshouldcomethisyear.You’dmakeakillerBlack
Widow.”

Iduckmyhead.BlackWidowisthesexiestofallthefemalesuperheroes.Tightblackjumpsuit.

Kick-assboots.ScarlettJohanssonhipsandchest.NowayIcouldpullitoff.Andnothanksonthefrat
thing.

Beenthere-donethat.

AcrackofthunderstopsmefromansweringandTateblowshiswhistle,makingallthekidsgetout

ofthewater.Fatdropsofrainstarttofallandthemomsscurrytogetthekidsoutofthewaterandtheir
belongingstothecarbeforethestormhits.Mrs.Robinsonisthelasttoleave,swishingherhipsbyTate.
Heofferstocarryherstufftothecar.

Again,Inote,thatthere’snowayhegetsthroughthesummerwithouthittingonher.Orbangingher.

TateandIhuddleundertheshelter,unabletoleaveuntilCindycalls.“Thissucks,”Isay,wiping

therainoffmyfacewithatowelandsitatapicnictable.

“Totally.”Tatesitsonthebenchnexttome.“CanIaskyousomething?”

“Yeah,Iguess.”Ihavenoideawherethisisgoingbutwhatcomesoutofhismouthisatotal

surprise.

“What’sthisBuffything?”

“Buffy?TheVampireSlayer?”

“Yeah,IheardyouandHenrytalkingaboutit.”

Ifrown.“JustaTVshow.It’snotonanymore.”

“Oh,”hesays,alittledefeated.

“IhaveitonDVDifyouwanttowatchit.”

Hisfacelightsupandit’slikethepartingoftheRedSea.Beautyinthemiddleofaragingstorm.

“Really?”

“Sure.”

“Thatwouldbeawesome.”

“Howabouttonight?”heasks.“Icouldcometoyourhouse,youknow,sinceIlivewithabunchof

cavemen.”

“Tonight?”

“Sure,Idon’thaveanythingelsetodo.Doyou?”

Ishakemyheadandflinchatanotherhugecrackofthunder.No.Idon’thaveanythingplanned

exceptnowTateChristenseniscomingtomyapartmentandhowdidthatevenhappen?

*

“What’shedoinghere?”Triciawhispersinthekitchen.

“Honestly?Ihavenofreakingclue,butwhoamItodepriveanyoneofthegloryofJossWhedon

andBuffy?”

“MaybeyouaccidentallyseducedhiminsteadofHenry.”

“Doubtful.”Buttobehonest,otherthanthedisgustingskinpeelingthing,whichseemstoturnHenry

onalittlebit,I’vebeenlookingprettygoodlately.

“I’vegotthispoliticaldinnerthingIhavetogotoorI’dstay.”

“Eh,it’sokay.Weworktogetherallthetime.It’snotthatawkward.”

Thatisatotallie.Everythingaboutthisisawkward.FromTatebeinginmyapartmenttohim

stretchedoutonJosh’srattycouchheinheritedfromhisolderbrother.Itsmellslikecheeseanddog.

“Havefun,”Triciasays,passingusonthewayoutthedoor.Shewinksatme.Ugh.

“Later,”Tatesays.

“Youready?Episodeone?”

“Yep.”Hereachesforoneofthebeersonthetableinfrontofhimandoffersmeone.Itakeit

becauseobviouslyIneedtocurbsomeoftheedginess.

HourslaterIcanhardlystiflemyyawn.I’mcurleduponthecouch,mytoespressingintoTate’s

leg.We’vewatchedsixepisodesandTate’shooked,pausingtheshowtoaskquestionsbutdiggingthe
mythology.It’sweird.Allofthisisweird,butI’mtiredandhe’sgonnahavetoleave.

“Youwanttotaketherestwithyou?”Iaskoncethelastepisodeisover.

“Oh,”hesays.“Don’tyouwanttowatchthemtogether?”

ThereareeightseasonsofBuffy.Itwilltakeusweekstowatchallofthem.Helookssohopeful

thoughI’mnotsurehowtotellhimno.“Well,wecanwatchsomeofthem.Whydon’tyoutaketherestof
thisseasonhomeandwe’llgettogetherinacoupleofdays.”

“Awesome.”Tatetakeshisemptybottlestothekitchenandthrowsthemintherecyclingbin.

“Thanksforlettingmecomeover.”

“Noproblem,”Isay,stretchingmyarmsovermyhead.Tate’seyesflicktomyexposedbellyandI

tugdownmyshirt.“Surprisedyoudidn’thaveadatetonight.”

“Eh,I’mkindoftakingabreakfromallthat,”hesayslikeit’snobigdealatall.

Fortherecord,it’stotallyabigdeal.

“Wow,really?”

“Yep,”hesays.“YouandHenrykindofencouragedmetocutthemanwhorestuffoutalittle.I

mean,I’mstillgettingsomehereandthere,butithadgottenalittleoutofcontrol.”

“Howmatureofyou,”Isay,nudginghimtowardthedoor.

“Iguessyougottastartsomewhere,right?It’slikeyouandHenry.”

“LikemeandHenrywhat?”

“Likehowyou’veputallthatdramafromthepastbehindyouandarefriendsagain.”

I’mnotsureaboutallthat,butI’mproudofTateinaweirdway.MaybeI’mnotasinvisibleinhis

eyesasIthought.Imaynotbesexworthytohimbutatleasthelistenstomyadvice,whichisbetter.I
guess.

Westepoutmyfrontdoorandontothebalconyarea.Theparkinglotbelowisquiet.“Well,thanks

andIguessI’llseeyouonWednesday.”

“Right,dayofftomorrow,”Isay.

SurprisinglyhepullsmeintoabearhugandIsqueakfromthewindbeingknockedoutofme.

“Night.”

IwatchhimtucktheDVDunderhisarmanddisappeardownthestairs.Oncehehitstheparkinglot

Ihearhisvoiceandleanovertherailing.Henry.TatejerksathumbupwardandHenrylooksup—our

eyesmeetingbriefly.

Istepbackwards,pressingmyselfagainstthewalloverwhelmedbyfeelingsgleeandguilt.My

planinvolvedmakingHenrycrazy—crazyenoughtoregrettreatingmesopoorly,butasthingsshift
betweenus,OperationPaybackseemsharderthanexpected.

*

SomehowIletJoshtalkmeintogoingtothepooltohangouteventhoughit’smydayoff.Soyeah,

I’mvoluntarilyatworkeventhoughI’mnotgettingpaid.

“Ican’tbelieveIagreedtothis,”Isaytohim.

“It’sonlyfairsinceIgotyouthatjobandIcan’tgetfreeicecreamanymore.”

Joshclimbsoutofthedriver’sseatandslingsatoweloverhisneck.Igetmybag,filledwitha

varietyofsunscreen,magazinesandsnacks.Great.NowIwanticecream.

“Sothisdateyouhadtheothernight?”

“Itwasn’tadateandshhhh.”Ijerkmyheadtowardtheentrance.ThelastthingIneedisforTateto

thinkIhaveathingforhim.Well,morethananyotherheterogirl.IpushthegateopenandHenrywaves
fromhisperchoverthedeependchair.Ismileandwaveback.

“FivehoursofBuffysoundslikeadatetome.”Ielbowhimintheribsandpointtoacoupleof

deckchairsinthesun.Joshshakeshishead.“Oh,look,Davey’shere.”

Sureenough,Daveysitsoveronaloungechairinthegrassyareaalone.Hegivesusawidesmile

andIrollmyeyesbehindmysunglasses.“Sothisiswhyyoumademecometoday?”

“Yes,andIdon’thavetopayaguestfee.”

Ileadthewayanddropmystuffontoachair,leavingonechairemptysoJoshcansitnexttohis

crush.DaveymaybetheonlyguythatcancompetewithTateinthelooksdepartment.Tallandbroad.
Creamybrownskin,darkeyesandhair.Hischestlookslikeit’smoldedfromthesamemarbleTate’s
camefrom.

“HeyZadie,what’sup?”heasks.

“Nothingmuch,justhangingoutatworkonmydayoff,”Ijab,buttheyarealreadyabsorbedinone

another.

Joshmakesaproductionoflayinghistoweloutandtakingoffhisshirt.He’sfittoobutnotlike

theseguys.I’mstartingtofeellikeathirdwheel.Geez.

WhiletheboysenterthefirststagesofflirtingIpulloutmysunscreenandlotionupmyarmsand

legs.“Here,”IsaytoJoshhandinghimthetube.“Latherup.”

Hesqueezessomeintohishandandcovershischest.HehandsthebottletoDaveyandsays,“Can

yougetmyback?”

“Ohman,”Imumble,yankingmycoverupovermyhead.I’vedecidedtoattempttomanagemylife

guardtan,wearingadifferentsuitwithdifferenttanlines.Thisoneisatwopiece,bluish-greenwithatie

aroundtheneck.It’ssomethingI’mnotaccustomedtobutTriciaandIdecideithasthedesiredeffect.
Plus,everyoneelsearoundhereflashessomeskin.Socanme.

IsettleinmyseatandnarrowmyeyesatthepatternonJosh’sshorts.“Whatisthat?”

“Oh,theseareamazing.Drytheylooklikeanormalpatternbutlook,”herunstotheedgeofthe

poolandjumpsin.Asecondlaterhejumpsoutandrushesbackoverdrippingwet.“See?”

“Arethosenakedladies?”Iask,incredulous.

“Yes!Mymomboughtthemforme!”

Daveytouchesthehemandtheymarvelatthecheesinessoftheshorts.Theyshiftintothebubble

thatfollowsthemaroundlately.I’mhappyforthem,butit’sboringbeingthethirdwheel.Iopenupmy
magazine,pretendingtoread,butpredictably,IfindmyselfstaringatHenry.

Henryflippinghiswhistleoverhisfinger.

Henryscratchinghischest.

Henryadjustinghimselfinhischair.

Henryglancingatme.

Hepercheshiswhistlebetweenhislipsandletsithangtherewhilehewatchessomekidsclosely.

Afteracoupleofsecondsheblowsit,wavingthemovertohischair.Hefallsintoadeepargumentwith
theten-year-oldoverthedivingboardrules.He’ssofreakingadorable.

“Justgotalktohim,”Joshsays,interruptingmyHenryfest.

“I’mgettingasoda,”Isayinresponse.“Wantone?”

“Sure.”

Ileavethelovebirds,hoppingoutofmychairtogogetit.IpassTatewaist-deepinthepool

scrubbingtiles,(I’dgivehimcreditfordoingsomeactualworkbutIknowhelostabetwithHenryfor
thejob)andhewinksasIpassby.Iforcemyselfnottotugandpullatthesuit.Thatisnotsexyatall.

WehavearefrigeratorintheofficeandIleanintogetaCokeoffthebottomshelf.Thecoolair

feelsniceagainstmyhotskinandIstandthereforaminute.

“Wastingenergy,huh?”

Ispinquickly,holdingthecantomychestandfindHenrystandinginthedoor.“Howlonghaveyou

beenstandingthere?”Iask.

“Longenough,”hereplieswithasmirk.

“Wantone?”HenodsandIhandhimminebeforeleaninginforanother.

“SoTatecameoverlastnight?”

Iopenthecanwithaloudclickandhissandswayfromhiptohip.“HewantedtowatchBuffy.”

“Hedid?”Hiseyeswatchmyhipslikeametronome.“Interesting.”

“Iknow,Ithoughtitwasweirdtoo,butwhatever.”

“Hmm,”hesays,flashinghiseyesatme.Oronme.Hiseyesareallovermeandthisbikinithat

suddenlyseemstoosmallandtootight.

“IguessI’llgobackoutwithJoshandDavey,notthatthey’venoticedI’vegoneoranything.”

“Okay,”hesays,notmovingoutofthedoorway.Iedgepasthim,bumpingmyhipintohislower

stomach.Hisverytonedlowerstomach,coveredinthefinesthairthatIcravetotouch.Ikeepmyhandsto
myselfandonceI’moutofthehotspot,IswearIfeeltheheatofhishandonmylowerback.

ForaminuteIcan’tdecidewho’sseducingwho.

BackatmyseatItuneoutJoshandDaveyandkeeponesun-glassedeyeonTateashemakeshis

wayaroundthepool.Hisbackmusclestensewitheverymovement,onlystoppingoccasionallytomess
withoneofthekids.Thekidslovethelifeguards,allofus,butmostlyHenryandTate.Theseparticular
childrenbelongtoMrs.Robinson.Theybegandsplash,tryingtogetTatetohorsearound.Thismakesan
excellentopportunitytoogle,watchingbothguysastheyusealltheirstrengthwrestlingwiththekids.

“HeyPip,”IhearovermydaydreamofHenryandTatewaterwrestlingoneanother.

“Hey.”

“Cometalktome.”

“WhywouldIdothat?”Ilaugh.

Hedrapeshisarmsoverthesideofthepoolandsmiles.“Comeon,I’mboredanddoingthisso

youdon’thavetotomorrow.Comeentertainme.”

IlookoveratJoshwhohasn’tpaidmeanyattentioninthelastfifteenminutesandshakemyhead.I

walkovertotheedgeofthepoolandsit,danglingmyfeetintothecoolwater.

“Thisishowyouchosetospendyourdayoff?”Hiseyesflicktowardmychest.

“Notreallybutthesetwoseemedtohaveulteriormotives.”

“Iwatchedtherestofseasonone,”hesays,dippinghisbrushbackintothewaterandresuminghis

cleaning.He’scleaningtheareatotheleftofwhereI’msitting,slowlymakinghiswayinmydirection.

“And?”

Hesmiles.“Buffykicksass.You’reright.”

“Obviously.”

Thewatersloshesagainstmylegsashemovescloser.IlookupandcatchHenrystaringinour

direction.OratleastIthinkheis.It’shardtotellbehindhissunglasses.Ismilebutheturnsawaybefore
seeingme.

Tateapproachesmylegs,pickingthemupandtocleanthetilebeneaththem.“Hey!”Ishout,trying

tokeepmybalance,butlaughinganyway.Hedropsmylegsbutgrabsmyanklesunderwaterandsays,
“So,whatdoyouthink?Wanttogotothesuperherobashwithme?”

“What?”

“Thepartyatmyfrat?Wanttocome?It’snextweekend.I’mtryingtodecidebetweenThoragainor

CaptainAmerica.”

“Youwantmetogowithyou?”Likeadate,Iwanttoask,butdon’t.Noway.Never.

“Yeah,it’llbefuntobringagirlwhoknowsallthecharacters.”

“I’mnotthatbigofanerd,”Ilaugh.HeleansinandhischestisdeliriouslycloseandIclaspmy

fingersaroundtheedgeofthepooldecksoIdon’tjustreachoutandtouchhim.

“Howaboutit?”HiseyesstrugglebetweenmychestandmyfaceandforonceIjustdon’tcare.I

thinkImaybeturninghimonandit’sexhilarating.

“Idon’tknow,”Itellhim,warily.“I’mnotbigoncrowds.”

“It’ssummer.It’slikehalfthenormal-sizedparty.”Hishandsarestillwrappedaroundmyankles

buthisfingersfeelsoftunderthewaterandwhatthehellisgoingonhere?Ishereallyflirtingwithme?I
glanceupatHenrybutallIcanseeisthemuscleinhisjawworkingovertime.“Justcome,itwillbefun.
Everyonegoes—Henrywillbethere.”

“Hewill?”Ilookacrossthepool.

“Yo,H!You’regoingtotheSuperherobash,right?”HenrygivesTateaquicknodandadouble

thumbsup.

Tateflasheshismega-wattsmileandmyheartflipserratically.Partoutofanticipatingofanight

outwithHenry,ifhe’sawareofitornot,andpartiallybecauseI’montheedgeofananxietyattack,
knowinghistoricallywhathappenswhenIdecidetogooutandhaveagoodtime.Iclosemyeyesandsay,
“Yes.”

*

“Ican’tbelieveyousaidyestothis,”Triciasays.We’reinthebathroom.I’msittingonthetopof

thetoilet,botheyesshut,whilesheworksonmymakeup.

“Iknow.”

“Ican’tbelieveyou’rewearingthisoutfit.”

Iopenoneeye.“Isittoomuch?Tootight?Tooslutty?”

Sheclosesmylidwithherfingerandswipesacrossitwithabrush.“Nope.Youlookstunning.It’s

perfect.”

“I’mnervous.”

“You’llbefine.IwishIcouldgo.Ican’tbelieveIhavetogotoanotherpoliticalfunction.Ithink

mydadwasmoreconcernedwithruiningmysociallifethangettingmejobexperience,”shesays.“You
canlooknow.”

Iopenmyeyesandstandup.IwentwiththeAvengerstheme,dressingasBlackWidow.She’snot

supersluttywhichisgoodbutshewearsaskin-tightoutfitthathasmyboobssqueezedtogethersotight

theymayactuallytearthefabric.Triciamanagedtocurlmyreddish-brownhairintowavyringlets.

“Myasslookshuge,”Isay,twistingtolookinthemirror.

“Noitdoesn’t,andhaveyouseenScarlettJohansson’sbutt?It’scurvalicious.You’refine.”

InmyroomIpullonmyknee-highblackboots.Thisoutfit’sgoingtobehotashelltonightbut

Tricia’sright.Ilookprettygood.Theonlyproblemismynerves,whichrunicecoldinmyveins.
Checkingmyclock,IseethatIhavethirtyminutesbeforeTatewillarrive.Idecidetogooutsideforsome
freshairfirst.

“Goodluck,”Triciasays.“IsuspectHenrywillbejealousasheckhedidn’taskyououtfirst.”I

closethedoorandstepoutside.ThenightairishumidandnotmuchofareliefbutIcouldn’tsitaround
myapartmentanylonger.ImakemywaydownstairsandrealizemysuitisstickingtomyskinandIcan’t
stayouthere.

Ican’tgoanywhere.WhatamIdoing,dressinguplikesuperheroBarbie?Goingtoapartywitha

crowdofpeopleIdon’tknow.Theanonymitydoesn’tbotherme.It’stheminutetheyfigureoutwhoIam.
ThatIdon’tbelong.WhatdoIdothen?

“Zadie?”

IglanceupandrealizeI’mstandinginfrontofHenry’sapartmentdooronthefirstfloor.Hehason

awhiteT-shirtandbaggyplaidshorts.He’sbarefootandhasaplasticgrocerybaginhishand.“Huh?”

“Youokay?”

“Yeah.”Igivehimaweaksmile.

“Youlook…”hesays,trailingoff.Hisfaceisriddledwithconfusion—asheshouldbe—I’m

dressedlikeBlackWidowandit’snotHalloween.

“Lame,Iknow.”Icrossmyarmsovermychestinanefforttohidemyselfbutallitdoesissquish

myboobsevenbigger.

“No,youlookgreat.”HeeyesmeheadtotoeandhisAdam’sapplebobsupanddown.“Really

great.”

WestareatoneanotherforaminutebecauseIfeelstupidandhe’slookingatmewiththedumbest

expression.Definitelynothelpingmynervessettle.

“Whatareyoudoingouthere?”hefinallyasks.

Itakeadeepbreathandexhale.Iadmit,“Freakingout.”

“Why?”

“BecauseIagreedtogotothisstupidfraternitypartywithTateandI’mwearingthisoutfitand,

well,”Imeethiseyeswithmyown.“I’mnervousaboutallthepeopleandstuff.It’sthekindofthingthat
triggersmyanxiety.Hey!”Inoticehe’snotdressedup.“Yousaidyouweregoing!”

“Yeah,we’regoingtolater,whenCharliegetsoffwork.Soyou’regoingwithTate?”heasks,

quietly.

“Yeah,heaskedmetheotherday.Hesworetothathewouldbeniceandnotleavemestrandedina

seaofsororitygirls.Idon’ttrusthim.Hencethenerves.”

Henrybiteshislipbutsaysnothing.AlightbulbgoesoffinmyheadandIrealizewhat’sgoingon.

Whyhe’sbeingsostrange.“Look,IknowItoldyouI’mnotfallingforhispuppydogthing.I’mnot.Ijust
—IwanttobreakoutofmyshellalittleandTateandthispartyareaboutasfaroutofmyshellasI’m
evergoingtoget.I’mnervousashellbutIpromiseyouthishasnothingtodowithmelikinghimorthe
riskofyoufindingusmakingoutintheutilityroomatwork,okay?”

Herubsthebackofhisneckwithhishandandeyesmewarily.Finallyhesays,“You’rethat

nervous?”

“Petrified.”

Henryliftsaneyebrowandsays,“IthinkIcanhelp.”

“Really?How?”Iask,buthe’salreadyopenedhisapartmentdoorandsteppedinside.

“Followme.”

Onunsteadyheels,Ientertheapartmentafterhim.

*

IwatchHenryashepacksthesmallclaybowl.Thisishissolution.Gettinghigh.Ishouldn’tbe

surprised.I’mnotsurprised.Ifanything,I’mgrateful.

“Whydon’tyoulivewithTate?Youtwohavebeenfriendsforever.”

“Helivesinthefraternityhouse,”hesays.Hispinktonguedartsoutandlickshisfinger.

“Andyoudidn’tjoin?”

“Uh,yeahIjoined,butthingsdidn’tworkoutsowell.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”

Heliftshisshouldersinashrug.“I’mnotreallygreatwithrulesandstuff.Orbeingtoldwhatto

do.”Heoffersmethepipeend.“Ladiesfirst.”

Ishakemyhead.“No,you.”

Heshrugslikeanystonerhappytogetfirstthefirstshot.Henrylickshislipsandthumbsthelighter.

Thebrightorangeflameburstsfromthetip.Heinhalesdeep,likeapro.Whenhe’sfinished,hehandsme
thelighterandbowl.

I’mlessadeptandfumblewiththelighter.Henryexhales,coatingtheroominahazeofsmokeand

takesthelighterfromme.“Here,”hesays.

ThepaperisdampbetweenmylipsandIinhale,thesmokeburningmythroat.Iholditinaslongas

possible,whichisn’tlongatall.Smokeandairburstfrommylungsinaloudcoughandmyeyesburn.
“Sorry,”Ibarkbetweengaspsofair.

Hedoesn’treplybuttakesthepipebackandhitsitagain.Backandforthwego,mylungsslowly

acclimatingtothestingingheat.HenryandIsitacrossfromoneanotherandIhazilylookaroundtheroom.
Typicalcollegefurniturefillstheroomandposterslinethewalls.AhugecanvashangsoverHenry’s
head.Ithasagraphic,comic-yfeeltoit.IseetheinitialsH.F.inthebottomcorner.

Henryglancesupwardandsays,“Ipaintedthatforclass.It’slopsidedthoughanddrivesmecrazy.”

Tiltingmyhead,Itrytofigureoutwhathemeans,buteverythingseemssortofwavyrightnow.I

lookdownandseeHenryleanbackonablackfuton,hislegsstretchedunderthecoffeetable.Hehas
smallfuzzyhaironhiskneesthatIwanttotouch.

I’msittinginastrangegoldcorduroychair.Irunmythumbdownthefabric.We’reoddlymatched

andIstarttogigglelookingatmyskintightpants.

Henrysmileslazily.“What?”

“This.”Ipointtomyoutfit.“You’redressedallnormalandI’minthisridiculousgetup.”

Heshakeshishead.“Youdon’tlookridiculous.Youlookhot.”

Despitethenumbnessoftheweed,Ifeelmycheeksheat.Mytongueislooseandmybodyfeelsout

ofmycontrol.Icrossmylegsslowlyrevealingtheheeledboots.“Superherofetish?”

Hiseyestravelfromthebootstomyboobsuptomyeyes.“Somethinglikethat.”

Henry’sanenigma.Funnyandnice.Sortofahipsterandobviouslyabitofrebel,butmorethan

oncewe’vehadthisenergypulsethroughusthatIcan’tputmyfingeron.Attraction?Friends?Maybe
JoshisrightandI’mjustchicken.

“Doyoustillwrite?”heasks.

“Itry.ButI’vebeenalittleblockedlately.”Latelyisanunderstatement.Eversincethecraphitthe

fanatEltonI’vefloundered.

“Ialwayslikedyourstuffintheschoolpaper.”

“Myemo,highschoolbullshit?Iwassofullofpretention.”

“Nah,itwasgood.Ilikedtheshortstoriesthebest.Myfavoriteonewasaboutthedog.Youknow

thatcouldtalk?”

“Really?Thatwasmyfavoriteone,too.”Isay.“Otherthan‘FuckYou,HenryFletcher’,ofcourse.”

“Ofcourse.”

MyphonebuzzesonthecouchnexttomeandIpickitup.Tate’sonhisway.“Ishouldgooutfront.

Tateshouldbehereinaminute.”

Henrynodsandwebothstand.I’mclumsyonmyfeetandhegrabsmyarm,steadyingme.We’re

standingcloseandIcanfeeltheheatofhisskinthroughmytightshirt.“Feelingbetter?”

“Yeah,definitelycalmer,”Istareathischin,attheheavystubble,afraidtolookinhiseyes.His

fingerslingeronmyelbowbutthenhetakesmyphoneandstartspressingbuttons.“Whatareyoudoing?”

“Iaddedmynumber.Callmeifyouneedanything.”

“You’recoming,right?”Iask.

“Probably,”isthemosthe’llanswer.“Becareful,okay?”

I’matthedoorandcanseeTategettingoutofhiscar.Idon’twanthimtocomeuphere.“Iwill.”I

pauseandgiveHenryahug.“Ireallyappreciateit.MaybenowIwon’tmakeanassoutofmyself.”

Helaughsandletsmego,shuttingthedoorbehindme.ThesummerairhitsmyskinandI’m

immediatelysweating.Tateseesmeonthestepsandwhistles.Iwhistlebackbecausehe’sdressedin
somesortofarmor,hisbicepsbulgingandhisabspeekingoutunderabreastplate.Holycow.

“Ready?”heasks,offeringmehishand.

Istifleagiggleatthewholescene,mostlybecauseI’malittlebaked.“Yep,let’sgokicksomeass.”

ChapterSix

I’vebeentofraternitypartiesbefore.ThelastoneatEltonturnedintoalife-changingdisaster.

That’smytrend.Turningnormaleventsintoacrisis-worthydisaster.Thesolution?Runninglikehell.

Eltonwassuchasmallschoolthateveryonewasinvited.Wedrankcrappybeerandsuspiciousred

punch,andoncemyroommatesandIconsumedwaytoomanymushroomsinsomeguy’sbedroombefore
pukingthemupunderagiantmagnoliatreeoncampus.Itwasstillcliqueybutagain,everyonemingled.
Everyonekneweveryone.Thispartyisdifferent.TheKappaSigshaveahugehouseneartheedgeof
campus.Brickwithhugewhitecolumns.Itlookslikeaplantationhomefromtheoutside.HugeGreek
letterssitintheyardannouncingthefraternity’saffiliationandpeoplemillaroundeverywheredressedin
tightsandcapes.MostofthegirlschoseWonderWomanorCatWoman(obviouslythepatentleather
HalleBerryone).IwaitforsomeonetostopmeonthewayupthemassivestairsandaskwhoIamand
whatI’mdoingherebutit’ssilly.EveryoneknowsTate.AndeveryonecantellI’mwithTatebytheway
hishandneverleavesmine.

It’sallso...weird.

TheweedmademecalmandIfollowTatethroughthehouse,pastthequestioninglooksandstares.

“Whyiseveryonelookingatme?”IwhisperashehandsmeadrinkI’mnotplanningtoconsume.Ifake
takingasip.Weedandboozearenotagoodmixforme.Trust.

“Becauseyou’renew,”Tatesays.“Andyou’rewithme.”

SomethingI’mlearningaboutTateisthathe’sabsolutelyadorable.Theegotisticalswaggerthat

mademedislikehiminhighschoolisstillinforcehere,butI’vegotadifferentviewandIrealizeImay
havebeenalittleharshinmyassessment.Theattitudeisn’tego,it’sconfidence.Dimplesandawide,
easysmilemakehimimpossiblenottolove.Hecharmstheroom,butneverleavesmyside.Noonehere
knowsme,notasoul,buttheyalltreatmenicelybecauseofhim.He’saGodinthisroomandforthis
verystrangenightI’msortofhisGoddess.Tateisperfect,butevenso,he’salmosttooperfectforme.The
moretimewespenttogether,themoreIrealizedIlikedhim;Ijustdidn'tlike,likehim.

Hishandlinkswithmine,introducingmetopeople.Ifighthimalittleatfirstbutthenremind

myselfthatI’mbreakingoutofmyshell.Andnooneknowsmehere.Noonecares.Thewarmthofhis
skinagainstminelacksasparkbutthat’sokay.Infactit’smorethanokay.

“Gointhephotoboothwithme,”heasks.Weposelikesuperheroes.Tatewithhishugehammer

andIpulloutmytoygun.ForthethirdphotohepicksmeuplikeI’mlightasafeather.Onthefourthphoto
I’mblindedbytheflashandthefeelingofhislipsonmycheek.

“Whatwasthat?”Iask,withnarrowedeyes.Severalgirlsnodandwhisperfromnearby.

“Justhavingfun,”hepromises.Probablytrue,butthere’ssomethingelsegoingonhere,forsure.

Wewalkthroughthekitchentothebackdeck.Tatefillsourcupsandheleansagainstthewooden

railingandtakesalongswallow.Iwatch,surprised,asheplaceshiscupontopoftherailandlightsa
cigarette.Hewatchesmeback.

"What?"Iask.Mytongueisstillboldfromtheweedandthefewsipsofpunch.

"You'realright,Pip."

"Idon'tevenknowwhatthatmeans?"Isay,shakingmyhead.

"ItmeansIlikeyouandI'mnotsurewhyweweren'tfriendsbefore."

Ichokeonmydrink."BecauseI’myoungerandbackinhighschoolyoudidn'tnoticeme."Ieyehim

warily."Ornowyouthinkyoucangetinmypants.Ohwait,andyouwereadouche."

Idon'tknowwhatreactionIexpecttoget,butallTatehasformeisasmile."That'swhereyou're

wrong.I'venoticedyouforalongtime."

"Oh,really?"Nochance.

"Yes,really.PrettygirlsareusuallyonmyradarandAustinHighwasinshortsupply."

Mycheeksburn.Hecalledmepretty.NowI’msurehe’stryingtogetinmypants.Ihavetoadmit

hismethodsareprettysolid."Youdon'tseemlikethetypetoholdbackfromaskingagirlout.Ourage
differencewasn’tthatmuch."

"True,"hesaid,pressingthecigarettebetweenhislipsandinhaling."But,Ihadmyreasons."

"Caretoshare?"

"Nope.”

Ican’tevenbegintoimaginehowmylifewouldhavebeenalteredifTatehadbeenintomeinhigh

school.Noideaifitwouldhavebeenbetterorworsebutitsureashellwouldhavebeendifferent.

“Andnow?Whatisthisnow?”

“Iknowthingsgotweirdforusattheendofsenioryear.Wewerestupid,andHenry...”

“Henrywhat?”Iask,heartdrumming.

AfreshmanwalksbyinanaproncarryingatrayofDixiecups.“Holdup,”Tatesaystothekid,

scoopingahandful.HegivesmeacoupleandIpeerinside.

“Jell-oshots?”

Heraiseshistomineinatoastandsays,“Here’stosummer,Pip.Growingupandtakingrisks.”

Ihavenoideawhathe’stalkingaboutbuthelooksprettyashellwhenhesaysit.Isqueezethe

papercupintomymouthandsaythroughamouthfulofJell-o,“Tosummer!”

ChapterSeven

ThingsIrememberfromthatnight:

LimegreenJell-oshotsthatmatchTate’seyes.

ArguingwithaguydressedlikeSupermanthathesucksbecauseheisn’tanAvenger.

SnugglingwithTateontheporch.

Irememberhimsmellinggood.Likelaundryandman-boy.Irememberrelaxingbecausehisarms

feltsafearoundme,untiltheswayingandswingingmakemyheadspinandmystomachhurt.

WhenIlookforTateforhelp,he’sgone.Hegetsaseriesoftextsandwandersoff,leavingme

alonewithabunchofstrangersincludingmorethanonegirlgivingmethestink-eye.

“Bathroom?”Iaskthecrowdaroundme.Itcomesoutaslurrymess.Onegirlpointstowardthe

housebutIrunintheoppositedirectiontotheedgeofthedeck.Eventrippingovermyheel,Imanageto
makeitintime,pukingovertherailing.ThedefinitivesplatterofliquefiedJell-oechoesofftheconcrete
below.

Ohno.

*

ThingsIdon'trememberfromthatnight(butwererelayedtomethenextmorningbyTricia):

BeingunabletofindTateattheparty.

CallingHenrytocomepickmeup.

ThreateningtokickasororitygirldressedasWonderWomanintheass.

AttemptingtokickWonderWomanintheassandmissingandfaceplantinginthefrontyardofthe

party.

Henrycarryingmetothecar.

HenrypullingthecaroversoIcouldpukeagainandfallingoutofthestill-movingcaronmyface.

AskingHenryifheknewhiseyeswereasblueasraspberryJell-O.(No,apparentlyhedidnot

knowthis.)

“You’rekidding,”IsaytoTriciathenextday.She’ssittingonmybedfightingtoappear

sympathetic.

“Nope,IwishIwashoney,butno.”

“Hedraggedmehome?”PoorHenry.

“Carried.”Shehandsmetwoaspirinandabottleofwater.

Iliebackonmybedandcovermyfacewithapillowandmoan,longandthroaty.Iwanttoscream

butmythroathurtsfrompuking.“What’swrongwithme?”

“Nothinghuge,”shesays.“Youjustcan’thandleyourliquor.”

Isigh.“Itwastheweedandtheliquor.Deadlycombination.Likelasttime.”

Triciafrowns.“Whatlasttime?”

IstareatmyfriendandroommateandrealizeIhavetocomeclean.Likereallycomeclean.“Is

Joshhere?”

“He’sinhisroom.”

Triciahopsupandbangsonhisdoor.Hecomesout,hairstickinginadozendirections,rubbinghis

eyes.“What?”

Shewaveshimintomyroomandhecrawlsinunderthecovers.Hisnosetwitchesandhemakesa

repulsedface.“Whatthehellisthatsmell?”

“Igotkindofsicklastnight.Sorry.”Ishiftover.

“Andyourface!”Henarrowshiseyes.“Pleasedon’ttellmethat’srugburnorsomething.”

“ShefelloutofHenry’scar,”Triciasays.Traitor.

“Henry?WhataboutTate?”

Icutin.“Listen,Ihaven’tbeencompletelyhonestwithyouguys.”

TheyglanceatoneanotherandJoshslipshisfingersthroughmine.“Ididn’tleaveschoolforthe

reasonsItoldyou.Imeanthesizeandclassesmattered.Theuniversitydoeshavethemajor-related
coursesIneedandEltondidn’t.Buttherewasthisthingand…”Itrailoff,alreadyembarrassed.

“Whathappened?”Triciaasks.

IpickatmybedspreadandfightawaveofnauseathatI’mnotsureisfromthenightbeforeorfrom

spillingthisstory.Probablyboth.

“BasicallyImadearagingfoolofmyselfinfrontofthewholeschool,”Iconfess.“TylerandI

wereatthisfratpartyandIdidthesamething.Weedplusalcoholanditfuckswithmyhead.Ihardly
rememberanythingbutsomeonecaughtmeonvideo.”

Joshsqueezesmyhand.“Doingwhat?”

“Well,firstIgotonthetopofthefraternityhousebaranddidmybestCoyoteUglyimpression.

AfterthatIsangSweetChildofMine,includinganairguitarsolowithsomegirlIdon’tknow.Tylertried
togetmedownandIflippedhimoffacoupleoftimes.ThegrandfinalewaswhenIslippedandfell,
landingonmyface,assup.”

Theybothstareatme,mouthshanging.

“OhandIhadonadressandnothingonunderneath.”

Triciaslapsahandoverherstillgapingmouth.“No.”

“Yep,Iflashedmyassandvagforeveryoneoncampustosee.Itwaswhatthekidscall,‘Epic’.”I

usemyfingerstomakeairquotes.

Joshshakeshishead.“Andthiswasonvideo?”

Inod,feelingthetightnessinmychest.“SomeasshatloadeditonYoutubeandsentitaround

campus.Igotcalledintomyadvisor’sofficeandreferredtoanaddictionprogram.Thefratwasputon
probationforservingalcoholtoaminor.Mysmallschoolcommunitybecamemicroscopic.Everyone
knewmeandrecognizedme.”

“Ohno.Didyoujustplayitoff?Likenobigdeal?”Joshasks.Hecouldtotallydothis.He’s

confidentandadorableandmenandwomenwouldpaytoseehiminhisunderpants.

“Istartedhavingpanicattacks.Everythingseemedsoclose.Icouldn’thandlewalkingacross

campusandeveryoneknowingwhoIwasandlaughingatme,evenifitwasjustinfun.Mylifewasa
mess.Theprofessorsknewaboutit.Myparentswerecalledoutofconcern.Thefratwaspissedatmefor
gettingthemintrouble,”Iexplain.“TylerandIbrokeup.Iwouldn’tgooutandhegotpissedthatIgotso
freakingdepressedaboutit.ThewholethingwasadisasterandIjustmovedbackhere.”

“Ohhoney.”Triciawrapsmeinahug.“Whydidn’tyoutellus?”

“BecauseIdidn’twantanyoneelsetoknow.IjustwantedoneplacewhereIfeltsafe.Theschool

didgetthevideopulled,thankgod,butonlybecauseitmadethemlookbad.”TearswellinmyeyesandI
wipethemawaywiththebackofmyhand“NowI’vedoneitagain.Embarrassedthecrapoutofmyself,
thistimeatabiggerschool.”Idropmyhandsintomyface.“ThisiswhyIdidn’twanttopushthething
withHenryorbreakoutofmyshell.LookwhathappenswhenIdo!”

“Look,”Joshsays,sittingup.“Thisschooliswaybiggerandnoonewillcareaboutapukinggirl

inanAvengerssuit.You’regoingtohavetosuckthisoneupbecauseyoucan’thideforever.Also,no
moreweedanddrinks.Pickoneortheother.”

“Seriously,”Iagree.“I’velearnedmylesson.AndstupidTate.Bailingonmelikethat.Ihavethe

worstjudgmentwithguys.”

“Tobefairhecalledhereaboutfifteentimeslastnight.Hefeelsreallybad,”Triciasays.

“Ugh,”Igroan,slumpingintoJosh’sside.“I’mprettypissedhebailedonme.Hesworehe

wouldn’tandthenitsoundslikeIembarrassedthecrapoutofmyselfwithHenry.”

Joshpullsmeintoatighthugbutrecoilsafteracoupleseconds.“Honey,Iloveyouandwe’llget

throughthisbutyouhavegottotakeashowerbecauseohmygodyou’renasty.”

IopenaneyeandglareatJosh.“TheonlywayI’llgetoutofbedandcleanupisifwecangoget

waffles.”

“Done.”

*

Thatafternoon,IslideapieceofpaperunderHenry’sdoor.

I’mbarelyupthefirstlevelofstepswhenheopensthedoorwiththepaperbetweentwoslim

fingers."What'sthis?"

Ipressmyheadagainsttherailing."Justreadit."

"Why?"

"Ohmygod.Just.Read.It."Helooksskeptical.MaybehesuspectsIpukedonit.Igrindmyteeth

andsaid,"Please."

Becausehehastomakemefeelworsehereadsitoutloud.Istareatthewall.

DearHenry,

Iapologizeforcallingyoudrunk.

Andforpukingonyourcar.

Andforallotherunfortunatemomentslastnight.

Zadie

Ihearthecrinkleofthepaperasherefoldsitandwait,terrifiedtolookup.

"Zadie."

"What?"MywordsaremuffledbecauseI’mhidingbehindmyhands.

"Iacceptyourapology."

Iopenaneyeandlookathim.Hisdoesn’tseempissed.Infact,he’ssmilingalittle."Really?"

"Yes."

Isighinrelief."Good."

HelaughsandIgivehimthestink-eye.Heseemsawfullyamusedbymyhumiliation,butIletit

slideduetothecircumstances.WhenherubshisfaceIseehisknucklesareredandscraped.Ugh,
probablymyfault,too.

"I'msorryyougotsosick."

"Ugh,metoo.It’shalfyourfaultwiththatweed.”

Hereachesafingerouttotouchmycheek."Ouch."

Irollmyeyes.Atmyself,ofcourse,becauseoftheflutterrollingaroundinmystomachfromhis

fingeronmyskin."Apparently,Ifelloutofthecar."

"Itriedtostop.YouopenedthedoorbeforeIpulledallthewayover."

"Iheard.Idon'treallyremembermuch."

“That’sprobablyforthebest.”

Imakeaface.“Didyoureallycarrymein?”

HesmilesandInoticeatinydimplebyhiseye.Maybeascar.Oneofhisroommateswalksupand

sayshi,disappearingthroughtheopendoor.

“Ishouldgo,”Isay,watchingtheguy,Syd,Ithinkgoinside.

“Tomorrow?Pickyouupat9:30?”

Inod,happyhe’snotgoingtoletthisgetanyweirder.HappythatI’matthisbigschoolwhereI

don’thavetofaceathousandFacebookfriendslaughingatmyantics.Justthisguy.Thisreallygreatguy.
“It’sgoingtobeawkwardwithTate.”

“Why?”

“Iembarrassedmyselfandhim.Heditchedme.Idon’tknow.It’sjustunfortunate,youknow?”

“Zadie,youarenotthefirstpersontopukeatafratparty.”

Isighandtakethefirststeptowardmyapartment.“Thanks,Henry.”

Hefrowns,justalittle,butitvanishesfast.“Anytime.”

*

ImeetHenryathiscarthenextmorning.He’shalfasleep,hairatotalmess,andafine,redlinerun

downhischeekfromhisbedsheets.

“Oversleep?”Iask,gettingintothecar.Hetosseshistowelandpoolbagintothebackseat.

Hegruntsinreplyandrubshishandoverhisface.“You’reawfulchipperforsomeonesohung-

overyesterday.”

“Ihaveasure-firehang-overremedy.”

Henrypullsthecaroutoftheparkinglotandheadstowardthepool.“Enlightenme.”

“Stageoneiswaffles,baconandhashbrowns.Stagetwo;Frenchfriesandacheeseburger.

Additionalnecessitiesincludeseverallargesodasandabigpieceofchocolatecake.”

Hiseyeswiden.“You’rekidding.”

“Nope.Workseverytime.Ialsocrashedatabout8PMeventhoughmydownstairsneighborswere

yellingallnightwhiletheyplayedGrandTheftAuto.”

HeglancesoverandIcanseehiseyewrinkles.“Sorryaboutthat.”

Ishrug.“We’reprettyusedtoit.”

Henrypullsintotheconveniencestoreandwegointogetsnacks.It’sbecomeadailyritual.Sodas,

lemonade,candy.Wehopbackinthecarandmakeittothepooljustintime.Tooursurprise,Tate’shere.
Itshouldbehisdayoff.

“Yougoingtobeokay?”Henryasksbeforewegetoutofthecar.

“Sure,why?”

“WithTatebeinghereandeverything.Youwereprettypissedathimtheothernight.”Itryto

rememberandvaguelyrecallbeingdraggedawayfromthepartyandyellingsomethingabout‘kicking
ass’.

“Hecalledyesterday.Ithinkhefeelsprettybadaboutstrandingme,whichisstupidbecauseI’m

theonethatmadeanassoutofmyself.”

“No,”Henrysays,hiseyesdark.“Heshouldfeelsorry.”

Tatemeetsmeatthegatewithanapologeticsmile.He’snotinhistrunksbutregularshortsandaT-

shirt.“Howareyoufeeling?”

“I’mfine,”Isay,feelingstupid.

“Shepoweredthroughitonjunkfoodandsugar,”Henrysays,walkingpastustotheoffice.

“Whyareyouhere?”

Tategrabsmyhand.“I’madouche.”

“Obviously.”

“Andajerk.”

“Yes,”Iagree.“Youcameinonyourdayofftotellmethat?Igotyourmessages.We’regood.

BesidesI’mtheonethatembarrassedmyself.”

“Areyoukidding?You’realegend.”

“Wait,what?”

“Yep,allanyonecantalkaboutisthekick-asschickdresseduplikeBlackWidow.Iknowfive

guysthatwantyournumber.”

Everythingstartstospin.“Ohman.”

Tatewearsahugegrinandclearlythinksthisishilarious.It’snothilarious,it’sadisaster.Herubs

hischinandthesmilevanishesintoagrimace.Inoticeapurplebruisebyhislip.

Ireachupandtouchhisjaw.“Whathappened?”

“Eh,”heshrugs.“You’renottheonlyonethatmadeasceneonattheparty.”

Ipointtomyownrash.“We’retwins.Exceptyouliketheattention.”

WhenIexplainhowIgottheburn,Tatedoesn’teventrynottolaugh.“IjustfeelbadbecauseI

knowyouwerenervousaboutgoingandthenIditchedyou.I’mjustgladHenrycameandgotyou.”

IglanceacrossthepoolwhereHenryhashisbacktous,skimmingthepoolforleavesanddebris

withalargenet.Myeyeslingeroverthewayhismusclestenseandhowbroadhisshouldersseem.
“Yeah,he’stherealheroofthenight.Costumeornot.”

Tatechucklesandsays,“Figures,”underhisbreath.“IputallthisworkintomyHerculeanbody

andhegetstheaccolades.”

“Gohome,Hercules,”Isay,stashingmybagintheofficeandclimbingintomychair.

AgroupofkidswalkthroughthegateincludingMrs.Robinson’skids.Ateenagegirlholdsthehand

oftheyoungestandIassumeshe’sthebabysitter.IfocusonthepoolbutIseeTatecornerHenry.Ican’t
helpbutwonderwhatthey’resayingandmorethanoncetheyglanceinmydirection.Anxietyfillsmy
chest.Tate’splayingsomekindofgame,andHenry?EventhoughIdon’twanttoadmitit,I’mattractedto
himbigtime.

Akid,ateenagerreally,bouncesonthedivingboard,flyinghighwithhisarmsstretchedwide,

beforeslicingthroughthewaterinaperfectdive.Heemerges,shakinghishairoutofhiseyes,
comfortableandconfident.Iglancebackattheboys.IfonlyIcouldnavigatethesetwowiththeprecision
ofthatdiver.

ChapterEight

ThatnightIgetatextfromHenry.It’slateandtheapartmentisquiet.I’vegotawritingjournalnext

tomeonthebed,openedtoablank,wordlesspage.Ipickupthephoneandslidemythumboverthe
screen.

Whatareyoudoing?

Nothing—can’tsleep.

Meeither.Comeseeme.

Now?

Onthesteps.

That’ssofaraway.

You’resolazy.Doyouwantmetocarryyou?

Givemefiveminutes.

Iclosethejournalwithasnapandkickoffmyquilt.Itonlytakesmethreeminutestoget

downstairs.

*

Tricia’smargaritasitshalfemptyonthetableinfrontofher.Joshisatthebarlookingforarefill

andIsipasodaandtrynottopukewhenIgetawhiffofthetequila.

Motorheadisprettypackedforasummerweeknight.Peoplegetexcitedaboutdollarfishbowls,I

guess.We’vestakedoutthebackcorner,whichmakesmenervousbecauseit’ssodarkthatIcan’tsee
howdirtyeverythingreallyis.

“So,okay,timefortheround-up.Mefirst,”Joshsays,joiningusatthetable.“DaveyandIwentout

threetimeslastweek.Oncetothemovieswhereheheldmyhand.Thentoplaymini-golfwherewehad
ourfirstkissbythewindmill,andthenfinallyhemetmeforlunchthisafternoonbetweenmyclasses.”

“Sodoesthatcountinthethreedaterule?”Triciaasks,betweensipsonherstrawandcheckingher

phonescreen.

“Maybe.DependsonthenextoneIthink,”Joshsays.Hiseyeshaveadreamylook.He’ssmitten

alright.

“Whataboutyou?”IaskTricia.

“Work,work,work.Ihavemetthishotinterndownatthecourthousethough.Imaytrystalkinghim

abit.”Shebrushesherlongbangsoutofherface.“Howareyourboys?Youhookupwithoneofthem
yet?”

Ichokeonmydrink.“Boys?”

“Please,we’veseenyouandHenrycomingandgoingforthelastcoupleofweeks.Youguyslook

chummy.”

“We’refriends,”Iadmit.Friendswhoworktogether,carpooltogetherandsituphalfthenight

talkingtogether.“Justfriends.”

“AndTate?”Joshasks.Triciachecksherphoneagain.

“Tateisgoodandissuperflirtybutjustafriend.”Theybothlookdoubtful.Ifiddlewiththestrap

onmysundress.“Seriously.Idon’tknowwhathehasgoingonbutsomething’sup.Hemayhavea
girlfriendorsomething.Maybehe’stakingabreaklikehesaid.Whateveritis,there’snosparkbetween
us.”

“You’rehopeless,”Joshsays.“Twototalhottiesandyoucan’tworkituptomakeamoveoneither

ofthem.”

Ibitetheinsideofmycheekbecausealthoughhe’sright,hemaynotbeforlong.HenryandIhave

beengettingcloserlately.OurpastisholdingmebackandI’mnotsurehowtodealwithit.

“OhIdohavesomenewstoshare.Nextweek,HenryandIaregoinguptotheovernightcampto

lifeguardfortheweekend.DoublethepayandTatepulledrankonus.

“Overnighter?”Joshraiseshiseyebrowshopefully.“SoOperationPaybackisstillineffect?”

“No,”Ishakemyhead.“I’mdonewiththat.HenryisagoodfriendandI’mtryingtomovepastall

thathurtandanger.It’stime.”

Weleavethebarandhoponourbikes.Evenatthistimeofnightit’shotashell,butthebreezefrom

ridingfeelsgoodonmyfaceandmyhairblowsback,coolingmyneck.TriciaandJoshweavetheirbikes
backandforth,laughinglikemaniacsandIworryoneofthemwillbreaktheirneck,butsomehowthey
managetogetbacktoourneighborhoodinonepiece.

Ilockupmybikeandfollowmyroommatesupthestairs.

“Hey,”Ihearfromthebottomstoop.Henryleansovertherailingoverlookingtheparkinglot.The

overheadlightisoutbutIcanseehisoutlineclearlyfromthelampsintheparkinglot.Loudbassmusic
throbsfrominsidehisapartment.

ThesmellofsmokewaftsovertomeandIseetheglowingredtippedjointbetweenhisfingers.I

watchasheinhalesandthenexhalesslowly.Asmallgrintugsathismouth.“I’veneverseenyouina
dressbefore.”

“Technicallyyou’veseenmeinalotless,”Ilaugh,escapinghisgazeandglancingdownattheblue

dressI’mwearing.IsmooththefabricnervouslywithmyhandsuntilIfeeloneofhisfingerstanglewith
mine.

“Haveyoubeendrinking?”heasks,histoneserious.

“No.Designatedbiker.”

Ireachforthejointandliftittomylips,takingahit.Mynervesareallovertheplacesittingout

herewithhimlikethis.ThewarmthspreadsthroughmylimbsandIknowI’vegottocomeclean.

Hewatchesmymovementinthedark,eyesonmymouthanddowntomylegs.I’vemanagedtoget

hisattentionlikeI’vealwayswanted,Iknowthis.Butitfeelsofftome.Hemeanstoomuch.Idon’twant
totaintthiswithmanipulation.

“Rememberthatdayattheparkweweretalkingabout?”Iask.“Backinhighschool?”

“Ido.Youworeablackshirtwithatinyskullandcross-boneonthechest.”

Iturntofacehim.“Soyoudorememberthatday.”

“Explicitly.”

“Thenyouknowwhatyoudidtome,”Iwhisper,afraidthismaybethefinalmomentwehave

together.Airingourdirtylaundry.

Hestubsthejointonthestepandrubshisfacewithhishands.“IknowandI’msorry.Iactedlikea

dick.”

Iscoff.“Youbrokemyheart.”

“Don’tsaythat,”hebegs,liftinghiseyestomine.

“Youdid.”

“Ilikedyousomuch.Youweredifferentandfun.Iwantedtogowithyoutoprom.I’dplannedonit

andthenIhadtogotothisfamilyweddingandeverythingwenttohell.”

“Whydidn’tyousaysomething?”

“BecauseIwaseighteenandstupid.Ididn’twantyoutogowithanyoneelse.Iwaspetrifiedsome

otherguywouldaskyou.”

“Youmadesurenooneelsedid,”Isay,barelycontainingthebitterness.

“Look,Iwasadick—handsdown.IthoughtI’dmakeituptoyouwhenitwasallover,butyou

werepissedandIcamebacktoalltheCartershit.”

“Don’tblamethisonme,”Isay,knowingfullwellsomeoftheblamelandssquarelyonmy

shoulders.

“I’mnot.Ichickenedout.”

Ilookaway,unabletomeethiseyes.Hisstupid,amazing,blueeyes.“Ihadacrushonyoufor

forever,”Iconfess.“Likeforever.Idon’twantittosoundlikeyoudoingthisthingtomewastheendof
mylife.Itwasn’t.Itjustchangedme.Iquestionedmyjudgmentwithguys.Myintuition.Ithoughtifyou
couldtreatmesobadly,otherscouldtoo.”

“Takingthisjobthissummerwasabigriskforme.IthoughtIwasreadytohandlethis—tohandle

you,butIwaswrong.”

“Youhandlemejustfine.”

“It’sallanact—adarebyTriciaandJosh,whowantmetobreakoutofmyshellandgetovermy

dramas.IthoughtmaybeIcouldshowyouwhatyoumissedouton,butthat’sjustnotreallyme.I’veliked
youforsolong,Henry.Itfeelsgoodtobeyourfriendagain.Idon’twanttomessanythingelseup.”

“You’renotmessinganythingup,”hesays,grabbingmyarm.“Ifuckedup.Wefuckedup.ButI’m

reallyreadytogetpastit.”

Helickshislipsandhe’sgotthatlook,thedecisiveonewhereIknowhe’sgoingtokissme.It’sall

I’vewantedhimtodoforweeks—foryears—butmystomachandheadhurttoomuch.

“Don’t,”Isayquietly.“Notnow.Notlikethis.”Ifthiswereacartoon,thegirlwouldhavereached

insidetheboy’sheartandrippedhisheartoutwithherbarehands.That’swhathappenswhenItellhim
nottokissme.

Henry’scrushed.Visibly.Hiseyescastdownwardandhisfingersgoinhishair.Ifeellikemy

heart’sbreakingoverhimforasecondtime,butI’mnotrunningawaythistime.“I’mnotangryanymore,”
Itellhim.“IjustneedsometimetofigureouthowIwanttodealwiththis.Ican’tdothewishy-washy,
‘WhatdoesHenrywant?’gameanymore.Whenyou’reready,letmeknow.”

Iturnandraceupthestepstomyapartment,afraidtolingerevenamomentlonger.

ChapterNine

Idrivemyselftoworkthenextday,unabletohandlethefalloutbetweenHenryandmyself.Well,

morelike,I’munabletohandlethebrutalhonestyanddeclarationofloveIprofessedforhimthenight
before.

“You’rehereearly,”Tatesays,lookingbehindmeandrunningahandthroughdisheveledhair.

“Where’sHenry?”

“Wedidn’tridetogether.Ihadsomeerrandstorun.”Ihearlaughteracrossthepooldeckandsee

Mrs.Robinson’skidschasingeachotherinthegrass.“Whyaretheyheresoearly?”

“Oh,Itoldhershecoulddropthemacoupleminutesearlytoday.Shehadanappointmentor

something.”

“Soyou’rebabysittingthemnow?”

“Justdoingherafavor.Singlemomandallthat.”

Igivehimahardlook.“Areyouscrewingher?”HeshakeshisheadbutIseethewayhisjaw

clenches.Hemaynotbebuthewantsto.Badly.“Shehaskids.Don’tturnthisintosomekindof
desperatehousewivessituation.”

“Chicksinglasshousesshouldn’tthrowstones,Pip.”

Ifrowntryingtofollowhislogic.“Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”

Hecrosseshisarmswhichmakehisbicepsasbigashishead.“ItmeansI’vebeenfollowingyour

nomessingaroundatworkrulebutI’mnotsosureaboutyouandHenry.”

“There’snothinggoingonwithmeandHenry.”

Helaughs.“Maybenotyet,butyoutwoaregettingawfulchummy.Seemstomelikeifyouguys

planongettingitonatwork,thensocanI.”

“You’reridiculous.Nooneis‘gettingiton’anywhere.Infact,you’retheoneinvitingmetoparties

andhangingoutatmyhousewatchingTVallnight,notHenry,”Iargue.

“NotHenrywhat?”

IspinandfindHenrybehindmejawtightandeyesangry.IspotthewaddedupnoteIleftonhiscar

sayingI’dseehimlaterinhishandandfeelapangofguilt.“Nothing,”Isay,tossingmybagintotheoffice
andwalkingawayfromtheguys.

Halfwayuptheladdertomyguardchair,Ifeelahandonmyankle.IlookdownandseeHenry

below.“Areyouangryatme?”heasks.

Islipmysunglassesovermyeyesandsay,“No.Ijustthoughtwecouldusesomespace.”

“Wehadspace,threeyears.Don’tmakethisworsethanitneedstobe.”

Tateclimbstheotherchairandblowsthewhistle,lettingthekidsknowit’sokaytogetin.He

staresatmepointedlyandholdshishandsupinannoyance.

“What’sthatallabout?”Henryasks.

“Tatewasallovermethismorningaboutusbeingtooclosetooneanotherandhowwe’re

breakingthedealaboutnothookingupwithpeopleatwork.”

“What?Wearen’thookingup.”Buthelooksguiltybecausewebothknowhewantedtokissmelast

nightandifourworldwasn’timploding,wewouldhave.

“Iknowbuthe’spissyanyway,mostlikelybecausehehasahard-onforMrs.Robinsonandhe

can’tdoanythingaboutit.”

“Probably,”hesnorts,lookingaway.Hisvoiceturnsseriousagainandhesays,“Willyoutalkto

meaboutthislater,becauseIhavesomethingstosay.”

Iswallowandkeepmyeyesonthepool.“Ifyouwant.”

“Tonight,”hesays,reachingforthesafetybuoyoffthewall.“Nobailing.”

“Nobailing,”Ipromise,eventhoughIwantto.I’mnotsureI’mreadyforanapologyandI’mnot

sureIcanhandleitifhedoesn’tofferone.

*

I’vejustgottenintobedwhenmyphonebuzzes.ThescreenlightsupmyroomandIknowwhoit

is.Iknowwhathewants.

Home?

Yeah.

Canwetalk?

Iguess.

DoIneedtocomegetyou?

No.I’llbethere.

He’swaitingonthestep,noweedthistime,thankgod,becauseIneedusbothtobelevelheaded.I

moveacrossfromhimandleanagainsttherailing,inanattempttokeepmydistance.Henryhashishair
pulledbackinastockingcapeventhoughit’shotashellouthere.HisblackT-shirtaccentuateshistan
andhisbarefeettapnervouslyonthebottomstep.

“Thisismessedup,”hesays,breakingthesilence.“Whatdidyoumeanyesterdaywhenyousaid

JoshandTriciaputyouuptothis?”

“Ihadthisgrandplantoseduceyouandshowyouwhatyoumissedallthoseyearsagobyditching

meatprom,”Iconfess.

“YouthinkIdon’tknowwhatImissedouton?”heasks.Hestandsandclosesthedistancebetween

us.“IknewImesseduptheMondayafterthedance.IknewIlostmychancewithyouandIregrettedit
everydaysince,butthenJoshandTriciamovedinupstairs.Ikeptmydistance,butthenyoumovedinand
itwaslikesomekindofcosmicfate.IknewIhadtoplaymycardsright.Isawyoucominginandoutin
thatstupidicecreamuniformandIconvincedTatetotellJoshaboutthejob,sothatwecouldwork
together.”

“Yousetthiswholethingup?”

“Yeah,mostofit.Ithoughtyou’dworkwithusattheoutdoorpoolandthattooksomeconvincing.”

“Tobefair,”Isay.“ThatwasTate’sfault.Himandhishyper-libido.”

Henrysmilesandtakesastepcloser.Hishandhoversintheairnearmyhipbutheballsitintoa

fist.“Canwegobacktoyesterday?Whenwewerefriends?”

“Isthatallyouwant?”Iask,mychestaching.“Justfriends?”

“CanIwantustobefriendsandsomethingmore?”

“Youwantyourcakeandtoeatittoo,huh?”Iaskwithlittlehumor.

“That’saweirdsaying.Isitsowrongtowanttoeatyourcake?That’swhatyoudowithcake,you

eatit,”hedeclares.“Andyeah,IwantyoutobemyfriendandIwantyoutobemorethanthat,butnotat
theexpenseofoneanother.”

“Idon’tknowhowwedothat,”Iadmit.“Ilikeyou,Henry.Ialwayshave,butIdon’tknowifItrust

you.Ourrelationshipfeelslopsidedlikewe’llalwaysknowI’mmoreinvestedandthatcan’tbehealthy.”

Heunclencheshisfistandtentativelyrestshishandonmyhip.Idon’tfighthim.“Youneverhadto

seduceme,Zadie.That’swhatyou’remissinghere.Youhadmefromthebeginning.Wayback—before
senioryear.There’snothinglopsidedaboutanyofthis,otherthanthefactwe’vewaitedsolongto
exploreitfurther.”

He’ssocloseIcouldrubathumboverthestubbleonhischinifIwanted.IfIletmyself.His

stomachbrushesagainstmineandmyinsidesfillwithbutterfliesandhecupsmychinwithhishand.“I
wanttoexplorethisfurtherifyoudo,”hewhispers.

I’moverwhelmedbyhisconfessionandtheclosenessofhismouth.Hesmellsclean,likehejust

gotoutoftheshowerandIsay,“Don’tmakemeregretthis,”butI’malreadyonmytoes,myfreehand
woundinhisshirt.

Thefirstkissisunbelievablysoft.Almostlikeair.Hislipsbarelytouchingmine.Thesecond

comesfasterandIfeelhisstubblychin.Itakehislowerlipbetweenmine,afraidtolosecontact.

Webreakapartandhiseyesstayclosedforasecondlongerthanmyownandwhenheopensthem

hesays,“Ijustreally,really,reallywantedtodothat.”

“Same,”Ibreathe.

AdozenquestionsrunthroughmymindandIwanttoaskthemall.Henrystopsthemwithanother

kiss,onethatIfeelstraighttomytoesandtoeveryotherpartofmybody,likeawirelivewithelectricity.

“Noregrets,”hepromises,pushingmybackagainstthewall.Isinkintohiskiss,tastinghismouth

andtongue.

Noregrets.

*

Hedoesn’tkissmewhenIgetinhiscarthenextmorning.Orevenwhenwe’reattheconvenience

storeandourhipsbumpintooneanotherbythecandyaisle.HesingsanAerosmithsonginmyearand
thatwirebetweenuscoilsliveanddangerous.Oratleastonmyend.Weplayitcoolthewholetime,but
I’mgiddyandwrackedwithnerves.I’mabouttoburstintotearsofremorsefulpanic.Idon’thavethe
ballstopursuethis.I’mtooemotionallybound.I’llneverhavetheupperhandbetweenus.Whenwe
reachtheparkinglotofthepoolheleansoverandgivesmeanothergentlesweetkiss.

“Ohthankgod,”Isayundermybreath.

“What?”

“Ijustdidn’twantittogetweird,butI’vebeenthinkingaboutyourmouthsincelastnightandthat’s

alreadyweirdso…right,”Ifadeoff.

“I’vebeenthinkingofyourmouth,too,”hesayswithasmile,rubbinghishandovermine.

Avehiclepullsupnexttoours.It’sTateinhisbigbluetruckandwebothmoveawayfromone

anotheroninstinct.Tatemadeitclearthedaybeforehe’dbefuriousifwehookeduponthejobwhile
we’dmadeitsoclearhehadtostayhandsoff.

It’snearingJulyandthepoolispacked.IbarelyhavetimetothinkaboutHenryoverthescreaming

kids.Justafterlunch,atoddlerwanderedofffromhismotherandsteppedintotheshallowend.
ThankfullyTatesawithappenandfishedhimoutbeforeanyone,includingthemothernoticed.

“Youokay?”Iaskhimduringabreak.Helooksalittlepaleunderhistan.Henrystandsnearby

withanequallyconcernedexpressiononhisface.

“I’mjustgladIwasstandingthere,youknow?”

“Ididn’tevenseehim,”Henryconfesses.Hewasacrossthepoolwatchingthedeepend.

“Meeither,”Iagree.“NotuntilIsawyoujumpin.”

“Whydon’tyoutaketheafternoonoffman,”Henrysuggests.Inodinagreement.Tatelooks

freaked.

“Yousure?It’scrowded.”

“It’sthinningout.Youknowhowthefamilieswithlittlekidsgohomeinthelateafternoon.”

Tateagreesandpacksuphisstuffbutstillseemsvisiblyshaken.“Wanttohangtonight?Wecan

watchBuffy,”Ioffer.Henryshootsmeadesperatelook.“Henrycancome,too.”

Heperksupattheideaandwell,thefactMrs.Robinsonjustwalkedbyonherwaytotheparking

lot.Hiseyesaregluedtoherbody.“Awesome.I’llswingbyaroundeight.”

TateleavesandIshakemyhead.“Isortoffeelbaddeprivinghimofthat.”

“Noyoudon’t.You’dbesuperpissedifyouwalkedinonthemintheshowers.”

Icovermyhandovermyeyes.“Stop.I’llhavetobleachmybrain.”

HenrymovescloserbutjustenoughsoIcanhearhimsayquietly,“IthoughtforaminuteIwas

goingtobedeprivedofyoutonight.”

“You’lljusthavetoshare,”Isuggest,pretendingnottobehorrifiedatsoundingsoslutty.

Iglanceattheclockandseeit’stimetoblowthewhistleforkids’swim.IpassHenry,lettingmy

fingersbrushagainsthis.Hisfingerstugatthewaistofmyshorts,slippingthemnexttomyskin.“I’mnot
goodatsharing,”hesaysbeforewalkingbackintothesun,whistleperchedbetweenhislips.

*

“Thanksforstickingaround,”IsaytoTriciathatnight.“Iknowyou’vebeenworkingalot.”Ifeel

likeotherthanThursdaynightsatMotorheadIbarelyseeherlately.She’sagreedtostayforthegathering
withTateandHenrytokeeptheawkwardataminimum.ThankGodJoshhasotherplansorI’msurehe’d
managetogetawkwardatanall-timehigh.

“I’mhereforyou,babe,”shesays,eyeingmyfranticpacingaroundtheroomwithamusement.

We’reinmybedroom,tryingontheeighthshirt/short/skirt/dresscomboofthenight.ItossaT-shirt

onthebed.“Aggh.Nothing’sright.”

“Okay,calmdown,”shesays,takingmebytheshoulders.“Whatisityouwanttoconveyhere.

Casual?Sexy?Steppingoutofthefriend-zone?Tossyouonthebed?”

Istandinfrontoftheclosetandflipthroughthehangers.“It’snotadatebutIwanttolookgood.I

wanttodriveHenrycrazy.Idon’twanttogiveTateanyideas.We’rewatchingTVsoitneedstobea
littlecausal.Socasual-sexy?”

Iwatchhelplessasshedigsthroughthepileofclothes.“ThingswerealoteasierwithTylerat

Elton.Wejusthookedupatapartyandstarteddating.”

“YouandHenryhaveahistory,aweirdone,anditmakesthingsmorecomplicated.”Shehandsme

apurpleV-necktopandapairofshorts.“Here.Thesewillmaximizeyourboobsandyourlegs.Wear
yourhairupsohecanseeyourneck.Fullcoveragebutjustenoughskintodriveaninterestedguymad.”

IstarttochangebutstopwhenInoticeTriciashakingherhead.“Changeintoabetterbra.Push

thosesuckersup.”

ThirtyminuteslaterI’msquishedbetweenHenryandTateonthecouchandwe’rewatchingSeason

Six,whichI’vemanagedtoforgetisthehyper-sexualizedseasonofBuffy.Thisisoddlyappropriate
becausethingsbetweenHenryandIseemtohaveshiftedfromzeroto90inthelast24hoursandI
wouldn’tbesurprisedifwe’dburnedaholeinthefutoncushionbetweenus.

ThethirdtimeHenry“accidentally”grazeshisfingersacrossthesideofmybarethigh,Ifighta

tremor.

“Youfeelingbetter?”IaskTate.

“Yeah,thatwholethingwasprettyhorrible.IkeepthinkingaboutwhatwouldhavehappenedifI

wasn’tthere.”

“Butyouwere,”Triciasays.

“Youwereonit,man,”Henryagrees.“Lifeguardinginaction.Didyoufilloutareport?”

“IturneditintoCindywhenIleftthepoolthisafternoon.Shethinkseverythingwillbeokay.”

Wheneverthereisanaccidentatthepoolwehavetofilloutaseriesofpaperworkandreportsandturn
themintothemainoffice.Liabilityandstuff.

Henrypropshiselbowbehindmyheadanddiscretelybrushestheskinundermyear.Damnhim.

“Anyoneneedadrink?”Iask,jumpingtomyfeet.

“Beer,”Triciasays.

Tatecallsout,“Same.”

“I’llhelp,”Henrysays,followingmeoutoftheroom.

I’mbarelyoutofthelivingroomwhenhehasmepressedagainsttherefrigerator.Magnetsand

photosdroparoundmyfeet.“Doyoufeelthat?”heasksbetweenkissesandIwonderifhe’stalkingabout
themagneticbottlecapopenerdiggingintomybackorsomethingelsethatIdefinitelyfeelpushingagainst
mylowerstomach.

“Umm?”Ihumintohismouth.

“There’slikeavibrationbetweenus.Idon’tknowifIcangobackoutthere.”

“Wehaveto,”IsaytwistingawayfromhimeventhoughIdon’twantto.“They’llcomeforus

eventually.TriciaknowsbutobviouslyTateiscluelessandhehastostaythatway.”

Heopenstherefrigeratorandpullsoutfourbeers,holdingtwoineachhand.Itaketwoawayfrom

him.“I’mgivinghimanotherhour,thenhehastoleave.”

“Whatareyougoingtodo?”Iwhisper.“Kickhimout?”

“Whydon’tIjusttellhimIwanttomakeoutwithyou.He’llleave,right?”

Ishakemyhead.“Wecan’ttellhim.Weexplicitlytoldhimhecouldn’tdateorseeorsleepwith

anyoneatwork.Nowayheletsusgetawaywiththesamething.”

Athinlineformsonthebridgeofhisnoseasheconsidersthis.GodIwanttokissit.Him.

“He’llpunishusandnotletusgoontheovernighttripandthenhe’llprobablystartscrewingMrs.

Robinsonanditwillbeterrible,awful,horribleness.”

“SoyouwanttokeepthisasecretfromTate?”heasks.

“Don’tyouthinkweshould?”

Henodsslowly,settlinghisfingersonmywaist.“Whateveryouwanttodo.You’reright,we’ve

cockblockedhimforweeks.Nowayhetakesthatwell.”

“Isaywekeepthisbetweenthetwoofusandseewhereitgoes,okay?”

Henryfrowns,hiseyebrowsfurrowingtogetherlikehewantstoargueorsomethingbutinstead

says,“Okay.”Hegivesmeonelastkiss,adeepone,leavingmebreathless,pickingupphotosonthe
kitchenfloor.

*

Hishandsmoveagainstmyback,strokingthehot,sweatyskin.We’redrenchedanddisgusting.I

tastethesunscreenonhisfaceandneck,mingledwithsweatandIshouldberepulsed.Heshouldbe
repelled.Fromthisposition,withHenryleaningovermewhileI’mperchedontheofficedesk,Icantell
heisn’trepulsed.He’sturnedon,visibly.

“He’llcatchus,”Isay..Acoupleofkidsshriekandscreamfromthepooldeckjarringmeinto

reality.Still,Imakezeroefforttoleave.

“We’vegottostopanyway,”heagrees,actuallypullingaway.Heturnsandadjustshimself,a

painedexpressiononhisface.

“Later?”

Hiseyesboreintomine,“Definitely.”

Iwatchhimleave,shirtlessandbrownskinned.Twomagnificentdimplesmarkthelowerpartof

hisback,justabovehisshorts,andIcan’twaittofeelthem,tastethem.Eversincethisstarted,mybody
hasbeeninoverdrive,whichisboundtosteerthisstraightintoadisaster.Idon’twantthistobea
disasterbutnowthatHenryandIhaveourchance,Ican’tseemtocareorplaceanysortoflimitationson
ourrelationship.

“Youalmostdone?”Tateasksfromthedoor.HelookscluelesssoIguessthepheromonesbetween

HenryandIaren’tnoticeable.Yet.

Iholdupmystillfulllunchbagbutpretendit’sempty.“Yep.”

Wetakeourlunchesinshifts,Henrysneakinginduringmineto‘check’something.Tate’sstarts

aftermineandInoticehe’sonlygotadrinkfromtherefrigerator.Heusuallyeatslikeahorse.

“Nolunch?”

“Oh,yeah,LisabroughtsomethingandsaidIcouldhavesome.”

LisaAKAMrs.Robinson.Iliftahypocriticaleyebrow.

“YouknowIcan’tsaynotohomecookedfood.”

IgivehimapassforthatandsinceIfeelalittleguiltylyingtohimaboutmeandHenry.Iwalkout

oftheofficeandthroughthecoveredshelterareawhereTatehassettledintoafeastofsortswithMrs.
Robinsonandherkids.It’sanoddscenebutnotentirelyoutofline.We’veallmaderelationshipswiththe
familiesatthepoolthissummerandifTateiskeepinghishandstohimself,theneverythingshouldbefine.

If.

Itakethelongwayaroundthepool,makingsuretowalkbyHenrytwice.Hekeepshishead

forwardbutIknowhe’sgothiseyesonmebehindhistintedglasses.

Summerjustgotsomuchmoreinteresting.

*

“Ihadanidea,”Henrysaysthatnight.Wewalkedtothedinerfordinnerandhe’sgotahuge

milkshakehe’ssuckingdown.I’mafraidtoevenmentionmyjobattheicecreamparloroutoffearhe’ll
beupsetIquit.

“What’sthat?”

“Ithinkweshouldgettattoos.”

Ijerktoastop,forcinghimalongwithmesinceourhandsareconnected.“Um,what?”

“Tattoos.PainandWonderisjustdownthereandIthinkitwouldbesortofcool.”Hepointstothe

lightsonthetattooparlordownthestripofbarsandshops.

IquestionforaminutewhetherornotHenrymaybeinsaneorsomething.“Whereisthiscoming

from?”Iask,becauseI’mfairlycertainInevermentionedgettingatattoo.

“Well,”hesays,turningtofaceme.Hebrushesmyhairbehindmyear.“Iwasthinkingaboutyour

noregretsthingandit’skindofanawesomeidea.Especiallysincewehadallthatbaggage.”

“Noregrets.”

“Imean,wedon’tknowwherethisisgoingtoendbutwebothwanttogiveitashot.Isaywemark

it—“

“Literally,”Icutin.

“Yes,literally.Becauseifweworkornot,inawaythissignifiesawholenewphaseinourlives.

Droppingthepastandmovingtowardthefuture,”hissmileisadorableandhe’sadorable.Eventhough
thisisincrediblystupid,Ifeeltheedgesofmymouthliftinginasmile.

“Noregrets,”Irepeat,lettingthewordsandmeaningrollovermytongue.

Hishandsqueezesmine.“Exactly.”

Ithinkthatwhenwegettherewewillturnaround.Surely,we’llchickenoutbutIseethe

determinationinHenry’seyesandIgetwhathe’sdoing.He’scommitting.Afterthedamagewe’vedone
tooneanotherweneedtoprovewe’rebothinthisforreal.Nomoregamesorchildishbehavior.

Theguysatthetattooparlorfitusinthatnight.IkeepmyeyesonHenryastheneedleinjectsinmy

skin.Ithurts.Likeamother,butitalsofeelssogood.Thebuzzingneedlevibratesagainstmyskinandit
heightensallmysenses.“Thisissostupid,”Itellhim.

“Idiotic.”

I’mflatonmybackandheleansovertokissme.Ifeelhistongueinmymouthandthepiercing

needleagainstmyskinandinthemidstofsensoryoverload,Iletgo.

*

“Yourboyfriendiswatchingus,”Joshsaysovertheloudjukeboxmusic.It’sThursdaynightat

Motorheadandwe’reallfinishingourfirstfishbowls.

“Ididn’ttellhimtocome,”Isay.“Swear.”

“Youdidn’ttellhimnottocomeeither,”Triciaclarified.

Ifeeltheslysmileonmyfaceandglanceoveratthebar.Henry’shairiscurlyandwildandseeing

himinatight-fittingT-shirtandcottonplaidshortsmakesmealittlecrazy.We’rehalfnakedneareach
othersomuchthatwhenwe’recovereditseemstoupthetension.

He’snotpayingmeanyattention,drowninghisowndrinkwithhisroommates,buthewantedtobe

close.Iwantedhimtobeclose.

“Sohaveyouguysdoneityet?”Joshasks.

“Uh,it’sbeenlike,threedays.”

“Yeah,butyou’vewaitedyears,”hesays.“Ithoughtyou’dbehumpinglikebunniesbynow.”

Tricianodsinagreement.“IthoughttheywerehavingsexinthekitchentheothernightwhenTate

cameover.Alas,justgettingbeer.”

“We’retakingitslow,”Isortoflie.We’vebeenmakingoutwheneverpossible.Inthepumproom

atthepool.Outsidehisapartment.Inthecar.It’sfranticandsex-starved,buteverythinghasbeenoverthe
clothesandweseemtobewaitingforsomething,I’mjustnotsurewhat.

“Heagreedtothat?”Joshfrowns.

“No,notexactly.Idon’tknowhowlongitwilllast,butlikeyousaid,we’vebeenwaitingalong

time.It’slikethisstrangefriend-to-morebridgewe’vegottogetacross.Alsowe’vegotthismutual
cockblockingthinggoingonwithTate.”

“It’sgoingtobedeliciouswhenyoudo,”TriciasaysandJoshsmileswickedlyinagreement.

“Whataboutthisweekend?”

Theovernightcampweekend.

“Definitelypossible,butIguessitdependsonwhatkindofsleepingarrangementswe’regiven.”

“Ifyoudoitinthewoodswatchoutforsnakes,”Joshdeclaresandthenshudders.

TriciaandIlookatoneanotherandburstoutlaughing.Henryhearsusandturns,smilinginmy

direction.“Goseeifhe’llbuyusaroundofdrinks,”Joshprompts.

Isideoutofthebooth.I’mwearinganotherdress,onpurpose,thistimewiththinstrapsthatfalls

justabovetheknees.I’vejuststartedtowardHenrywhenIseethathenoticesmeandmyskinstartsto
heat.

“Hey,”Isay,meetinghimattheendofthebar.IsmileatSydandCharlie,hisotherroommate.

Theywaveback.

“Hi.”

“Joshwantsyoutobuyhimadrink,”Ilaughovertheloudmusic.

“He’snotreallymytype.”HishandreachesformyhipandrubsthespotonlyheandIknowholds

asecret.“But,I’dbewillingtospendthetwodollarsifthey’llletyouleaveearlywithme.”

Henry’sblueeyesboreintomineandIloseallmysenses.Likepulloffmyclothesinthemiddleof

thebar,senses.Ilickmybottomlip.“I’mprettysureyoucanbuythemoff.”

“Done.”

IwaitatthebarwhileHenryordersanddeliversthedrinks.Triciasendsmeanencouragingwink

whiletakingherfirstsip.Iguesstheyforgivemeforbailing.Ifeelatugonmyarmandlookover.“So
you’rethegirl,”Sydsays.

“Excuseme?”

“ThegirlthathasourboyHenryallwoundup,”Charlieclarifies.“Wefinallyofficiallymeet.”

“Idon’tknowaboutthat,”Isay,feelingawkwardwiththeirteasing.“Butnicetomeetyou,too.”

Syd’scuteenough,withaleanfaceandpointynose.He’sgotonafedoraandashaggybeard.The

hipsterthingtotallyworksonhim.Charlie’ssortofahypermess,bouncinginhisseatwithawidegrinon
hisface.Nowondertheysmokeupallthetime,tryingtocalmhimdown.

“WecallHenry‘TheSaint’becausehe’sbeenpiningforyouforsolong,”Charliesays,hissmile

growingbigger.

“What?”

HenryslidesbetweenmeandCharlie,cuttingoffanyanswer.“Youready?”

“Yes.Definitely.”

Withourfingerslinkedweleavethebar,ignoringthecatcallsfromourfriends.“Thisseemslikea

bigdealtoourfriends,”Isay,oncewe’reoutsideawayfromthebarsmellsandsounds.Irodemybike
butweditchittowalkhome.

“Theywantustobehappy.”

Wepasstheedgeofthebusinessdistrict,cuttingthroughcampusonthewaybacktoourapartments.

“Iguess.”

“Joshgavemeoneofthose,‘don’tmesswithmygirl’talks.Itwasweird.”

Ilaugh.“Joshisweird.Butloyaltotheveryend.”

Wewalkdownthestreetlikeacheesynewly-datingcouple,tangledlimbsandgoofysmiles.Henry

leansintokissmeoftenandItastethebeeronhistongue.Everytouchbetweenussparksthefirerunning
justunderourskin.“Yourroommatesliketoteaseme,”Isay,tryingtocutthesexualtension.

“Idon’tthinkthatwasteasing.”

Hisjawtensesbuthedoesn’tseemangry.SomethingelseboilsunderthesurfaceandIwonder

abouthis‘Saint’status.Howmuchtruththereisinthatnickname.I’vebeenaccusedofmanythingsbut
beingasaintisn’toneofthem.

“They’renice,though.Partofyourpost-fraternitything?”AcarspeedspastusandHenryshiftsour

positions,puttinghimselfclosertothestreet.Heneverlosescontact,though,handsshiftingfluidlyfrom
myhandtomybacktomynecktoaroundmywaist.Mouthagainstmine.Atrailofheatfollowsandmy
stomachburnsandtwists.

“Yeah,weallplayedultimateFrisbeefreshmanyearandgotalongwell.Wegottheapartment

secondyear.”We’repassingbyaclusterofparkbenchesandpicnictablesbeneathmassivemagnolia
treesontheupperquad.It’sdarkandquiet.Henrypullsmetoastonepicnictable.Hesitsdown,kissing
methewholetime.Iclimbontohislap,straddlinghislegs.

“Iloveyouindresses,”hesays.

Thedressleavesmesensitiveandexposedagainsthim,onlythethinlayerofmypantiesbetween

meandhiscottonshorts.Ikisshismouth,face,jawandthroat,lickingandbitingeveryinch.Hishands
tenseintightballsbyhisside,resisting.We’reinpublicandI’veneverbeenmuchofanexhibitionistbut
I’velostmysenseofappropriateness.Ireachforhislefthandandsearchforthetattoopositionedonthe
insideofhiswrist.Ikissthewordsgently.

“Iloveyourskin.”Hekissesmeonthechest,downthedipbetweenmybreasts.Ifeelhimbeneath

mehardandreadyandIrockmyhipsagainsthis,seekingfriction.

Henryrocksbackandpushesmyhairovermyshoulder.“Iloveyourneckandyourearsandthis

spot,righthere,”hesays,lickingthenkissingtheinsideofmyelbow.

“You’reveryaffectionate,”Isay,grindingalittleharder.Histhumbsgrazetheundersideofmy

breasts,tauntingandteasing.

“Iam,”heagreed.“I’malsohornyashell,ZadieParkerandIthinkyouare,too.”

“Ican’thavesexwithyouunderatreeoncampus.”I’mlying,though.Icouldandwould,butthank

godhedoesn’tforceit.Insteadwejustkeepuptherockingandpacealreadyestablished.Clotheson.

“Wecandothisthough,right?”heasks.

Ikisshimhard,stoppingallhistalking,andwegetbusypressingandpushingintooneanother.I

feelhishandstwistinthedressfabriconmybackandtheslightwaveofaironmyupperthighs.Backand
forth,liketwodesperate,virginhigh-schoolers.Itwasenoughthough,andsuddenlyHenry’sexhalingin
mymouthwhileI’mmakingthemostembarrassingwhimperynoises.Iclampmyeyesshutandgriphis
thickhairbetweenmyfingers,tuggingwitheachwave.Henrytakesadvantageofmymovementsand
remainsstill,steadyinghimselfwithhisfingerspressedintomyhips.

Iopenedmyeyesandfindhisblueonesstaringbackatme,tinywrinklesvisibleattheedgeofhis

eyes.Webothburstoutlaughingattheshamelessactofsexualdesperationthatjustoccurredbetweenus.

“Thatwas—,”Isearchfortherightwords,betweengiggles.

“Fuckinghot,”Henryfinished.

“Andawkwardlyappropriate?”Isay,consideringthestrangepathourrelationshiphadtakenover

theyears.“That’sprobablyexactlywhatwouldhavehappenedtousonpromnightthreeyearsagoifyou
hadn’tdouchedoutonme.”

That’sright.Inmypost-dry-humpingglowI’mreadytojokeaboutit.

“Probably,”helaughs,standingupandmakingafaceathispants.“Damn,that’sallkindsofnasty.

Waithere.”

Hedisappearsbehindatreeinthedarkandcomesbacktugginghisshortsup.“Whatdidyoudo?”I

ask.

“Eh,Iditchedmyboxersbehindthattree.Justalittlegiftformothernature.”Hewrapshisarm

aroundmyshoulderanddirectsmeawayfromtheoffendingtree.

“You’recrazy,”Itellhim,pretendingtobedisgusted,butit’sallfake.Thetensionbetweenusis

alreadybuildingagain.Hemustfeelit,too,becausehishandsareonmeagain.

“You’vebarelyscratchedthesurface,”hejokes,leadingmepastthedorms,finallyonourway

home.Onething’sforsure,thisweekendtriptocampwillbeatestofourself-control…orlackthereof.

ChapterTen

“Shit,”Isay,digginginmybackpack.“Ileftmyshirtandshortsatthepoolyesterday.”

“Noproblem,”Henrysays,turningawayfromthehighway.“Justruninandgetthem.”It’sonly

9:00,soI’msurprisedtoseeTate’struckintheparkinglot.Henryhandsmethekeytothefrontgate.“He
mayhaveitlockedsinceit’searly.”

Sureenoughthegate’slockedandTate’snotaround,soIusethekeytoletmyselfin.Iheadtothe

officeandpushopenthedoor.That’swhenallhellbreaksloose.

“OhmyGod!”Ishout,coveringmyeyes,butit’stoolate.I’veseentoomuch.Waytoomuch.

“Zadie!Shit!”Tateyells.Iturnmybackandwalkoutoftheoffice.Hewhisperssomethingandthen

mutters,“Ouch,”underhisbreath.I’matthegate,willingtoletmyshirtandshortsgofortheweekend,
whenhegrabsmebythearm.“Waitup.”

“Tate,”Iwhisperyell.“Areyoukiddingme?Wehadadeal.Andyou’rebreakingitbigtime.”

Hehasthegoodsensetolookpanicked.Irubmyhandsovermyeyes.Ineedbleach.Stat.“I

know,”hesays.“Ifuckedupbutyouknowshe’sbeendrivingmecrazyandit’snotwhatyouthink.”

“How,exactly,isthatnotwhatIthink?”Lisa.Yes,Lisa,takesthatopportunitytocomeoutofthe

office,tyingthestringsonherbikinibehindherneck.Shegivesmeablanklookandwalksintotheladies’
changingroom.

“Iloveher.”

Istareathim,unblinking.

“Ido,”hesays,whenit’sobviousI’mnotgoingtosayanything.

WefaceoffuntilIfinallysay,“Henry’swaitingformeinthecar.”

“Okay,Iknowyouneedtogo,butI’mserious.Iloveherandthere’smoregoingonthanyou

know.”

“Ofcoursethereis.”Irollmyeyes.“Ineedtogoorhe’sgoingtocomeuphereandIdon’tthink

youwantthat.”

“Canyoudomeafavor?CanyoutokeepitquietuntilyouandIcantalkwhenyougetback?”

“YouwantmetolietoHenry?”

“Justgivemeadayortwo,okay?”hepleadswithhisstupidgreeneyesandthatpoutymouth.Crap.

“Justacoupleofdays,butwe’retalkingwhenIgetback.Youcan’tkeepthisup,Tate.Shehasa

family.”Itossmyhandsintheairandwalkbackintotheoffice,grabbingmybagthathangsbehindthe
door.

Ileavewithoutsayingmore,uncomfortablewiththissituation.SeeingLisahalf-nakedonthedesk

didn’tmakethingsanyeasier.Especiallysinceshehadarockingbodyforawomanwithtwokids.

ThecoolairfromtheairconditionerblastsagainstmyhotskinwhenIgetbackintheSUV.Henry

shiftsquicklyintogearandsays,“Everythingokay?”

“Yeah,justtalkingtoTateforaminute.”Theliefeelslikeleadonmytongue.WhyamIevenlying

aboutthis?ButIpromised,andIdon’treallywanttospendtheweekendtalkingaboutTateandhis
cougaranyway.

Soon,we’vemergedoffthehighwayandwe’retakingbackroadstothemountains.It’samazingto

thinkthelasttimewetookthisrideuptothelake,IwastryingtodecidehowtodealwithHenryFletcher.
ItwasthenthatIdecidedtomanipulateandwinhimoverwithmydiscardedOperationPayback.We’d
clearedtheairandhe’dapologized.Ismileathimfromthepassengerseat,fingerslatchedwithhis.

“Sowhatallarewerequiredtodothisweekend?”Iask.

“TheyhavethishugeannualGreekpartyuphere.Theregularcounselorsandguardsgetthe

weekendoffiftheywant,whichiswhytheysendusup.”

“Nokids?”

“Nope.Alladults,orimmature,college-aged,drunkenadults.”hesays.“It’stheKappaSigsand

Tri-Delts.Totaldouchefest.IworkeditlastsummerwithTate.Thingsgetalittlecrazy.Everyone’s
drinkingandsmoking.TatehookedupwithShellyforthefirsttimeuphere.”

“Iwishhe’dsticktoco-eds.”Itrytoappearaloof.“Idon’tevenwanttoknowthepsychological

reasoningofwhyhe’ssohunguponLisa.”

“Nope,”helaughs.“He’sgotsomekindofcougarfetish.Ithinkit’stheexperiencething.I’msure

oncesummerisoverhe’llgobacktocollegegirls.”

InlightofthisinformationIfeelfairlychildishaboutourdry-humpingintheparklastnightandit

makesmecurious.“Whataboutyou?Didyoufindsomelonelysororitygirltohookupwith?”Hekeeps
hiseyesontheroad,swallowingdeliberatelyandIrealizeIdon’twanttoknowtheanswertothat
question.“Nevermind.Seriously.”

Weletitdrop,whichdoesn’texactlyfeelbetter,butthat’smyownproblem.I’mnotvoluntarily

sharingmysexualpastwithhimeither.Plus,I’mnotthinkingaboutsexwithotherguys.Icanhardlykeep
mymindandhandsoffoftheguynexttome.

“Iworkedasacounselorlastyearatanothercamp,”ItellHenry.“Itwasprettytame,though—a

daycampandmostlyelementaryschool-agedkids.Wehadtogetourlifeguardcertification,whichiswhy
Ihaditforthisjob.”

“Iknewthat—wellnotthataboutthecertification,butIknewyouwereacampcounselor.”

Ifrown.“How?”

“Youdon’thavethebestprivacysettingsonyourFacebook,”heconfesseswithasheepishgrin.

“Youwerestalkingme?”Iask,feelingaslightthrillinmystomach.

“Notstalking,morelikecurious.”

Hisconfessionequallyexcitesandmakesmenervous,wonderinghowlonghekepttrackofme.

DidheseethedramaonmywallduringtheEltonfiasco?HadhetrolledphotosofmeandTyler?
Admittedly,I’dcheckedhispageonceortwicebuttherewasneveranythingdamming.I’mlostinmy
thoughtswhenwenearthecamp.Thebigwoodensignattheentranceisvisibleandablockorsoaway,
butHenryslowsthecarandpullsoverintoasmall,emptychurchparkinglotonthesideoftheroad.

“Whatareyoudoing?”Iask,asheshiftsthecarintopark.Heanswersmebyleaningoverthe

centerconsoleandgivingmeakiss.Adeepkiss.Thekindofkissyoudreamaboutwhenyou’re
conjugatingverbsinSpanishortakingashower.ThekindI’mprettysureyouaren’tsupposedtodoina
churchparkinglot.

“Wehave,like,fiveminutesuntilwe’resupposedtobethere,”hesays.Theideaofafiveminute

makeoutsessionenergizesmeandIpushbackintohim,halfwayclimbingintohislap.Ipushhis
sunglassesintohishair.Intense,blueeyesstarebackatmeandlleaninandlickhisbottomlip.

“Damn,”hesays,movinghismouthdownmyneckandpressinghisthumbsintomyhips.Myown

handsslipupthefrontofhisshirt.HishardstomachmusclestenseandIrunmyfingersthroughthefine
hairbeneathhisbellybutton.Hehumswithpleasure.Excitedbyhisreaction,Ilickmylipsandpushhis
shirtup.

“Wait,”hegasps.“Don’tdothat.Nothere.”

Ilookaround.“What?Thechurchparkinglot?”

“Well,thatandI’msofiredupaboutyouIdon’twantto,”helooksdowntohiscrotch,whichis

noticeablyvery,veryaroused,“youknow,here.Andit’sgoingtohappenifyoutouchmeagain,because
you’resofreakingsexyandeverythingyoudofeelssogood.”

Ikisshimagainbecausehejustcalledmesexy,butImoveoffhislapsohecanregainsome

composure.Whilehetakescareofthatwithwhatseemslikesomeadvancedyoga-styledeepbreathing,I
flipdowntherearviewmirrorandsmoothmyhairbackintoatidyponytail.Redrashspotsmythroat
fromHenry’sstubblychin.

“Sorryaboutthat,”hesays,rubbinghisthumboverthesensitiveskin.

“Don’tbe,”Isay,seeingthathe’scalmeddown.I’mbuzzingwithasortofirrationaldelightthatI

wasthecauseofhisexcitement.IgaveHenryFletcheraragingboneronthesideofacountryroad.It
feelslikeamilestone.

*

Thecampofficeislocatedinasmallstonebuildingaboutahalfmileawayfromthemainroad.

Beinginthemountainshastheawesomeeffectofbeingcoolerandlesshumidthanathome.We’remetby
thesamefrazzled-lookingwomanwithshort,curlyhairandglassesperchedonhernose.Hernameis
Stacyandshelooksimpossiblymorefrazzledthanbefore.

“Thanksforcomingup,”shesays.“Thisweekendisgoingtobecrazy.Ihopeyou’reready.”

Henrynods.“Whereshouldweputourthings?Thelodgelikelastyear?”

“Unfortunately,wehavesomanyattendeesforthepartythisyearthatwe’veputallthestaffintothe

campercabinsnearthelake.There’splentyofroomandnotthatmanyofyouguys.Takeyourpick.”

“Great,thanks,”hesays,takingthemasterkeysheoffers.Itopensallthecabinsintherow.

“Also,”shesays,pushingherglassesupthebridgeofhernose.“Ihadtokeeponeoftheweekday

lifeguardsfortheweekend.You’veprobablymet.Shelly?”

Webothnod.HenryandIleavetheofficeandgetbackinhiscar.Wedrivedownthesecluded

camproaduntilwefindthecabins.“ThinkShellywillbecool?Whyisn’tshegoingtotheparty?”Iask,
removingmybagsoutofthecar.

“Idon’tknow.Ican’timaginewhyshewouldwanttobeworkingwithus.”

Thecabinhasasmallscreenedporchandthankfullyisairconditioned.Thebathroomisconnected

andtherearesixsetsofbunkbeds.Shellyislyingonone,readingabook.She’sgotontinyredshortsand
herlegsarelongandtan.Inoticehertoesarepaintedabrightblue.

“Heyguys,”shesays,sittingup.Herlongblondehairisintwobraids,alookshemanagestopull

offcompletely.Hereyeslandonmeandherdisappointmentisclear.“Takeabunk.”

HenryandIdon’tmoverightaway.We’vebothjusthadtherealizationthatthreepeopleinacabin

hasdashedanyhopesofussleepingtogether.Oranythingelse.Resigned,Itakeastepforwardandclaim
oneofthelowerbunks.WhenIturnaroundIseehepickedthebedoppositeofmine.Asifthesexual
tensionwasn’thighenoughalready.

“Youguysshouldgoaheadandchange,”Shellysuggests,hertonesour.She’spissedabout

something—maybeaboutTatenotcoming?“Wecanheaddowntothepool.Ithinkthefirstactivitiesstart
inacouplehours,butStacywantedustogoaheadandgetready.”

Itakemybathingsuitandclothesintothebathroomandshutthedoor.Ihearthemtalkingand

laughingoutsidewhichisgood.Sheprobablyhopeditwouldbethetwoboys.Onceagain,Tatemanaged
tothrowusunderthebus.

Henrychangedquicklyandwetakethepathdowntothepool.Shellytellsusalotabouther

summer—itsoundslikeshe’shadfun.IfighttheurgetoratonTatesinceitwillonlycausemoredrama.

“Rememberlastyearwhenyouguysfoundthatsnakeinthepool?”Shellyasks.

Henryshudders.“Idon’twanttorememberit.”Helooksatme.“Snakesfreakmeout.Shellyhadto

takecareofit.”

Shelaughsandswatshiminthearm.“Boththeboyswerecompletelyuseless.Itwasjustagarter

snake,nothingpoisonous.”

“Sothisisyoursororitybash,right?Whydidn’tyoutaketheweekendoff?”

“IfiguredImayaswellgetpaid,”shesays,hereyesnarrowed.“Ilovebeinguphereanyway.

That’swhyIdidn’tmindswitchingjobs.”shesays.

Wereachthepoolandstartgettingitready.HenrypullsoutallthechairswhileIusethenettoskim

leavesandbugsoffthetopofthewater.Shellychecksthechemicals.

“IthinkI’mgoingtojumpinbeforeeveryonecomesdownhere,”shesays,removinghershirtand

shorts.We’veallworkedupasweatinthehotsun.

“Goodidea,”Henrysays,removinghisownshirt.Ifollowsuit,takingoffmyclothesandleaving

themonachairneartheshallowend.Ieaseintothewater,colderthanI’musedtosincewe’reinacooler
environment.Henrysubmerges,hishairdippingunderthewater.Whenhestandsthewaterrollsdownhis
chest,tricklingoverhiswell-formedmusclesanddownhistonedbelly.Iclenchmyfingersintoafist.

“IsthepartygoingtobeascrazyasHenrysays?”IaskShelly,tryingtodistractmyself.I’m

wonderingifhe’shavingthesameproblemsinceheswimsofftothedeepend.

“Puredebauchery,”shelaughs.“It’sprettyintense.I’msureyou’llgetlaidbytheendofthenight.

JacksonStevenswillbealloveryou.”

Icough.“Uh,yeah,we’llsee.”

HereyesflickacrossthepooltowhereHenry’sgettingoutofthewater.Hisbackmusclestense

andstrainasheliftshimselftothedeck.“Ipromiseyou’llhavefun,”shesayswithawickedgrin.

Twentyminuteslater,thefirstwaveofpeoplearriveatthepool.There’sacookoutatapavilion

nearthelakeandthepoolisopenallafternoonandevening,sowe’reworkingaregulareighthourshift.
Twoguystransportakegdownthepathinawagon.Severalgirlscarrystacksofpartycups.Ohman.

Everythingstartsoutokay.ShellyandIareintheguardchairs,perchedabovethepool.Henry

walksaroundthepoolmakingsureeveryoneissafe.Sincethey’readultsmostpeoplearejustchill,
talkinginclustersorsittingonthepool’sedge.

“Hi,”Henrysaysduringabreakacouplehourslater.IwavedtoShellytoletherknowIwasgoing

totherestroomsincewedon’thaveadultswim.Tomysurprise,Henryfollowsmeintothechangingroom
andlocksthedoor.

“Hey,”hesays,corneringmeforakissandwrappinghisarmsaroundmywaist.“How’sitgoing?”

“It’snotsobadrightnow.”

“Waituntilthealcoholkicksin,”hegrimaces.“Youletmeknowifyouhaveanyproblems,okay?”

“Problems?”

“Theseanyoftheseguysgethandsy.”

Igivehimtheside-eye.“Idoubtthatwillbeaproblem.”

“Drunkenfratboysandahot20-yearoldthathasnoideahowhotsheis?Imaygosixkindsof

cavemanbeforetheday’sover,”hesays,kissingmeundertheear,elicitingashiver.

Someone,agirlfromthesoundsofhergiggle,bangsonthedoorandwepullapart.Henryopens

thedoortoapairofgirlsinbarely-therebikinisandjerkshisthumbinmydirection.“Someonegotsickin
here,we’rejustcleaningup.”

“Ew,gross,”shesays.Turningtoherfriendshesays,“Let’sjustgopeeinthewoods.”

HenrygoesbackouttothepoolandI‘cleanup’themess.EvenintheshorttimeI’vebeenaway

frommyguardchairthingshavegottenmorerowdy.Theguysarehaulingintheirsecondkegandseveral
couplesareplayingchickenintheshallowend.We’resupposedtokeepthepoolopenuntildark,butI’m
notsurethesekidsaregoingtomakeit.

Justbeforedinner,aguyswaggersuptomychair.Hehasshaggyblondhairwithmirrored

sunglassespushedintothecurls.“Hey,”hesays,leaninghiselbowonthebaseofthestand.

“Hi.”Iglancedownquicklybutrefocusonthepool.Thethreeofusareonprettyhighalert.Two

girlsalreadygotsicknearthedeepend.

“AreyouafriendofShelly’s?”heasks.

“Uh,no.Notreally.Wejustworktogethersometimes.”

“Youlookfamiliar,”hesays.Hiseyesareagrayishblue,prettyenoughbutnotdeadlylikeHenry’s.

Isearchthepooldeckandfindhimstandingontheedgeofthepooltalkingtoacoupleofgirlswhoare
waistdeepinthewater.

Iglancedownanddon’trecognizehim.Shrugging,Isay,“Idon’tthinkwe’vemet.”

Hetakesasipofhisdrink,hisexpressionthoughtful.“Yougototheuniversity?”

“Ido.”Ipushmywhistlebetweenmylipsandblow.“Heyguys,don’tdothat,”Isaytoapairof

knuckleheadsshovingtwootherguys’headsunderwaterandholdingthemthere.Thebothliftuptheir
handsinsubmissionbeforefistbumping.Thetwoguysemergefromthewatergaspingforbreath.Isigh
andsayoutloud,“They’reworsethanthekids.”

“Freshmen,”theguynexttomesays.“Weletsomeofthemcomeupforpre-rusheverysummer.It’s

alwaysamistake.Ahilariousmistake,butstill.Bytheway,I’mJackson.”

Ofcourseheis.

IlookoveratShellyandsureenoughshehasabiggrinonherfaceandshemouths,“Toldyou.”I

shakemyheadbutsaytohim,“I’mZadie.”

“Well,Zadie,”hesayswithadmittedlytheloveliestsoutherndrawl.“I’llletyougetbacktowork,

buthopefullywe’llmeetupagainsometime.Underlessdistractingcircumstances.”

“Sure,”Isaynoncommittally.Henry’sfinallycheckedinonmysituationandhe’sgotahardlookon

hisface.Hisjawtensesandeyesnarrow,anditmakeshisalreadyhandsomefacestrongandangular.If
thisisthecavemanthinghewastalkingabout,Ilikeit.Rawr.

JacksonmusthaverealizedI’vefinishedtalkingtohimbecausehesauntersaway,linkingarmswith

abikini-cladTri-Delt.IglancebackupandlockeyeswithHenry.Overthepool,filledwithtwodozen
drunk,obnoxiouspeople,Icanfeelthesparkbetweenus.

AloudshriekbreaksourconnectionandIcheckmywatch.Weonlyhaveanhourleft,Ithink,

sittingupabitstraighter.Feelslikeaneternity.

Wespendthatlasthourtryingtokeepeveryoneinandaroundthepoolsafe.It’sharderandharder

todowitheveryonesodrunk.Theguysbringdownathirdbeerandanothercoolerofmargarita.Halfthe
partyisstandingonthetablesandchairsdancingandI’mhavingflashbackstomyownill-fateddrunken
exploits.

We’reallrelievedwhenStacyfinallycomesdownandannouncesdinnerforthepartiers.Oncethe

poolisclearshewalksovertousandsays,“Howarethingsgoing?”

“They’reheadingtowardalawsuit,”Henryreplies,runningafrustratedhandthroughhishair.“I

thinkweshouldcloseupthepool.EveryoneistoodrunkandI’mworriedaboutsomeonegettinghurt.”

Sheeyesuslikewe’retryingtogetoutofsomethingbutShellyandIchimeinourconcernsaswell.

Stacyfusseswithherglassesandhemsabit,butfinallyconcedes.“Okay,butatleasttwoofyouneedto
stickaroundheresonoonewillclimbthefenceanddrown.”

Aloudshoutandscreechtearsthroughthewoodsandweallturninthedirectionofthecookout.

Sheunhooksanotherkeyfromaroundherneck.“Lockupthepoolandgetsomedinner.Comebackafter
anhourorsoandjustkeepwatch.Youguysfigureoutwho’sworking.Letmetrytocontainthis.”

“I’llstay,”Iblurtthesecondherback’sturned.“Shelly,youshouldjustgototheparty.They’reall

yourfriends.”

Henry’sfacelightsup.“Goodidea.”

“Idon’tknow,”shesays,givingHenryalonglook.“I’mthinkingHenryandIshouldtakeonefor

theteamsincewe’rethemostexperienced.”

“Experiencedatwhat,”Iargue.“Watchinganemptypool?”

Henrygrabsmyarmgentlyandsays,“Let’sgetcleanedupandthengoeat.We’llfigureitout.”

Shellyclaimstheshowerfirstbackatthecabin.“What’sshedoing?”Iask.“Whydoesshekeep

tryingtoworkmore?”

“Don’tworryaboutit,”hesays.“Onceshegetsacoupledrinksinherandhangingwithherfriends,

she’llforgetaboutit.”

Irummagethroughmyclothes.Ididn’treallybringanythingnicetowear.JustacoupleofT-shirts

andanextrabathingsuit.Ilayitalloutonmybed,tryingtodecide.Henrypicksupthetopofthestrappy,
blackandwhitestriped,two-piece.“Ihaven’tseenthisbefore,”hesays.

Ipluckitfromhishands.“That’sbecauseyoutendtoseemestrictlyinredathleticbathingsuits.”

“I’veseenyouinabikini,”hesays.“WhenyoucametothepoolwithJoshthattime.Thetight

number.Itwashot.”

“Didyoujustsaynumber?”Ishakemyheadathisdorkiness.Godlovehim.

Shellycracksthedoortotheshowerandsticksherheadoutwrappedinatowel.Sheholdsanother

onetoherchest.“I’mfinishedifyouwanttocomein,”shesaysbeforedisappearingbackintothe
bathroom.

IreachformytowelandclothesbutHenrystopsme.Heslipshishandsaroundmywaist,tugging

mecloser.“Domeafavor.”

“What?”

“Wearthatbikiniunderyourclothes.We’llmakethemostofthenightshift.”

Igulpanduselesslyfeelmyfacecolorattheideascirculatinginmyhead,addingthebathingsuitto

mypileofclothes.

*

Wegrabacoupleplatefulsoffoodandtrytoslipbacktothepoolunnoticed.Isay‘try’because

ShellypressesacupofbeerintoHenry’shandbeforewecanmakeourescapeandJacksonfollowsme
throughthefoodlineaskingmeagazmillionquestions.

“Areyouinasorority?Didyourush?Whereareyoufrom?What’syourmajor?CanIgetyoua

drink?”heasks,whilesuggestingdifferentitemsoffood.I’mabouttotellhimtobuzzoffwhenheoffers
upthefollowingpearl,“I’mnotdrunk,youknow,I’mjustintoxicatedbyyourpresence.”

“Wow,really?”Iask,completelyflabbergasted.

Hiseyebrowsscrunchinconfusion.“Toomuch?”

“Justalittle.”Henrycatchesmyeye,havingboltedfromShellyandwemanagetogetbacktothe

poolwithoutanyclingers.Weeatdinneronourtowels,laidacrosstwoloungechairspushedtogether.As
thenightskydarkens,thepartyinthepavilionrageson,thesoundsandvibrationsbouncingofftheforest
trees.

Henry’sfreshlyshoweredscentisintoxicating,perfumingthenight.We’vefoundourownquiet

oasis.Afterweeat,hedecidestogoforaswim.Well,thatweshouldbothgoforaswim.Ieyehisbody
greedilyashestripsoffhisshirt,revealingthosetaut,tanmusclesandthetwodeliciousdimplesatthe
bottomofhisback.

Hejumpsinthepoolandwavesmeover.

“Comeinthewater,”hesays,duckinghisheadunderneath.Iscoottotheedgeofthepoolandhis

headpopsupnearmyfeet.Waterdripsdownmylegsashereachesforthemandtugsmetowardhim.
“Scared?”

“Ofthewater?No.Ofyou?Alittle.”

Hefindsmytattoo,inkedovermyhip.Histhumbrubsoveritsensuouslyandmystomachflutters

fromhisgentletouch.Ieaseintothepoolandhepullsmeclose,thestringsofmybikinifloatingaround
us.“Youdon’thavetobescaredofme,”hepromises.Myhandstouchhischest,feelingthehardmuscles
andsmoothskin.I’vewantedtimetoexplorehisbodyforweeksnow—years—andnowI’vegotmy
opportunity.

ThewaterbreaksdownourbarriersandIfeelhishandandfingerseverywhere.Onthesmallofmy

back.Onmystomachandhips.Justbeneathmybreasts.ItipmymouthupandI’mmetwithapowerful
kiss.I’llnevergetusedtothewayhetastesandfeels,thewayit’sasperfectasI’dalwayshoped.

Wemovethroughthedark,HenrydirectingustotheshallowenduntilI’msittingonasubmerged

step.Hekneelsbeforeme,neverlosingcontact,hishandsormouthalwaysconnectedwithsomepartof
mybody.Hestopssuddenly,pushingmyhairoutofmyfacewithawethand.“IrememberthefirsttimeI
wantedtokissyou,”hesays.

“Lastweek,outsideyourapartment?”

Heshakeshishead.“No,senioryearaftertheregionalchampionship.Wewerecelebratingat

JustinMalone’shouseandyouhadonthattie-dyeT-shirt,knottedatthewaist.Yourhairwaslongand

wavyfromshoweringafterthemeetandyoulookedsohappy,andIfeltsohappybecausewe’dwon.My
relaycameinfirstplaceandIfeltontopoftheworld.”

“Sowhydidn’tyou?”Iask,amazedthathe’srevealingthis.

“Ichickenedout.Youweresooutofmyleague.”

Isnortwhichleadstoacoughingfit.“Me?Yeahright.Youwerethepopularonewithallthe

friendsandpartiesandstuff.Iwasaclingerwhooccasionallygotinvitedtosmokeupwithyouguys.”

Herunshishandsovermylegsbeneaththewater.“Friendsandpartiesareeasy.Youandyour

friendsdidn’tcareaboutallthat.Youfloatedinandoutofallthegroups.”

“Wewerenerds.”

“Hotandnerdy,”hesays,kissingmyforeheadandthennoseandthenmouth.Hisconfessionturns

meonandIpullhimcloserbythewaistbandofhistrunksuntilhe’ssettledbetweenmylegs.“It’sanother
regretthatIhavewhenitcomestoyou.Nottakingthatchance.BecauseIwasscared.”

He’sgotaseriouslookonhisface.“Whatareyouscaredofnow?”Iask.

“Blowingeverythingwithyouagain.”

“How?Why?”

“Pushingyoutoofast.Ortooslow.Comingoffasahornypunk,whichIam,bytheway.A

completeandutterhornypunk,lookingtostealyourvirtueandfeelingguiltyaboutit.”

Ireachforhisface,turningitsohe’slookingatme.“Ihatetotellyoubutmyvirtueislonggone.”

Henryliftsaneyebrow.“Ididn’tmeantoimplythatIthoughtyouwereavirgin.”

“Good,becauseI’mnotandI’mprettysurethatshiphassailedforyoutoo,”Isay.“Whyarewe

talkingaboutthis?”Itakehisarmandtouchhisownink.“Noregrets.That’swhereweare.Notbackthen.
Here.Now.”

Henodsanddistractshimselfbypluckingatthestringsaroundmyneck.“Thesestringsarekilling

me.”

“Yeah,soarethesepants,”Ishootback,attemptingtoshimmythemdownhishipstonoavail.

“Babe,wetakeourclothesoffandthere’snogoingback,”hesays.“Andwe’reatthepoolwith

KappaSigsnearby.”

Asiftoprovehispoint,musicfiltersthroughthewoodsfromthepavilion.Istraightenup,which

onlyplacesmychestrightinfrontofhisface.Strugglingtolookinhiseyes,Itoywiththetinybowin
betweenmybreasts.“IfIwasoneofthosesororitygirlsthisweekend,wouldwebehavingthis
conversation?”Iask.

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Imean,wouldyouworryaboutbeingcaughtortakingthingssloworwouldyoujustbethinking

aboutscrewingaround?”

Hisintenseeyeswidenandfillwithunderstanding.“IfeveryonewasinagreementI’dbethinking

ofscrewingaround.”

“I’mnotthekindofgirlthatneedssatinsheetsandroses,Henry.Iwantyou,too.I’vewantedyou

forareallylongtime.I’mnotgoingtoregretthis.”

HenryliftsmeoutofthewaterandIwrapmylegsaroundhiswaist.Wetandslippery,heclumsily

carriesmeovertoaloungechair,loweringmybodydowntothemeshseat.Iscootback,givinghim
spacetojoinmeandwithaquickgrinheclimbsoverme,goingstraightformychest.Mytopisgoneina
blink.

“You’rekindofunreal,”hesayswithonehandonmychestwhileglidingtheotherupmyleg.He

eagerlytugsattheknottedstringsatmyhips.Mynerveendingsexplodeathistouchandmybodyreacts
withpuredesire.Idigmynailsintohisback.

Whenhelooksatmeagainhisfaceisserious.Lustful.Ireachdowntountieoneofthestringsbut

he’simpatientandpullsthemoffalltogether.ThecoolairhitsmywarmskinandI’mexposed.He
removeshisownshorts,coveringmybodywithhis.

Heentersmequickly.Sureofhimself.ThechaircreaksunderourweightandIlaughintohis

mouth.

“What?”hesays,movinginsideme.Hiseyesneverleavemychest.

“I’mafraidwe’regoingtobreakthischair,”Iwhisper.Mybodydoesn’tcarethough,therickety

chairandmufflednoisesfromthepavilionaddingtotheintoxicatingfeelofthemoment.It’snotmuch
longerbeforemylegsshakeandquiver,whilethechairsqueaksobscenely,rockedbymyeuphoria.

Henry’sbodyiscoatedwithsweatandhecloseshiseyesandfinishes,blisstakingoverhis

features.Hisfullweightpressesagainstmeandtheseatgroans.

“Wow,”Isay,pushinghisdamphairoutofhiseyes.

Heopenshismouthtosaysomethingbutthechairmakesonefinalcrackandonelegtumblesus

bothtotheground.Laughing,HenryrollsmeontopofhimandI’mstraddlinghimnakedonthegrittypool
deck.

“Onlyus,”hesays.Ifrowninconfusion.

“Onlyuswhat?”

“Thiscouldonlyhappentous,”heclarifies,runninghisfingersbetweenmybreastsdowntomy

barestomach.“It’ssortofperfect,forusatleast.We’llneverhavethatcheesyromanticthing—likeyou
said.Satinsheetsandroses.Goodgrief,wejustdiditonabrokenloungechairwhileapartyragesona
hundredyardsaway.I’mnotsureI’llevergetanythingrightwithyou.”

Ileandowntokisshim.“You’reright.Itwassortofperfect.Onething’sforsure,I’llneverforget

ourfirsttime,”Isay.“Andeverythingaboutitwasright,evenifitwasterriblywrong.”

Hestands,pullingmewithhimandwebothjumpinthewater,washingoffthedirtandsweatfrom

thenight.

ChapterEleven

“Well,well,well,”Shellysaysthenextmorningfromthedoorwayofthecabin.HenryandIare

wrappedaroundoneanother,sleepingunderathinsheet.We’vegotourclotheson,wellI’minatankand
pajamashorts.Henry’sshirtlessinapairofcottonshorts.“Thatexplainsalot.”

Iblink,tryingtoopenmyeyesinthebrightsunlight,whileHenryrubshisfaceandhideshiseyes

behindmyback.Guesshe’snotembarrassed.Frankly,I’mnoteither.MaybeIwouldbeifshe’dknown
whatwe’ddonebythepoolormuchlaterinthisverybed,butshedoesn’t.That’sbetweenmeandHenry.

“Explainswhat?”Iask,shieldingmyeyes.Shellyflopsonherbedanditcreaksunderherweight.

Shelooksroughandwornoutfromthenightbefore.

“WhyyoutwovolunteeredtocomeuphereandwhyTateditched.Plusyoutwovolunteeringto

worklastnight,”shesayswithaknowingsmirk.“Likeyouweredoingmesomekindoffavor.”

“Tatepulledrankandmadeuscomeuphere.”Ofcourse,Inowknowhesentusupheretogetus

outofhishairwithLisa,butagain,shedoesn’tknowthat.“Plus,hedoesn’tevenknowaboutmeand
Henry.”

“Well,itdefinitelyexplainswhyyouturneddownJacksonStevens.Andwhy—,“shenarrowsher

eyesbehindme,atHenry’ssleepingform.“Nevermind.”

DealingwithShelly’svaguecommentsisn’thowIwanttospendmymorning.Myfirstmorning

aftersleepingwithHenry.He’signoringShellycompletely,pressinghisbody(andpartsofhisbody)
againstmyback.Shemustdecidewe’renotworththetime,becausewithoutanotherword,shegathers
herstuffandheadstotheshower.

OnceIhearthewaterstart,IrolloverandfaceHenry.Hiseyesareclosedbuthistinysmilelets

meknowhe’sawake.“Caretosharewhatthat’sabout?”Iask.

Hissmileturnstoagrimaceandheslowlyopenshiseyes.HenryFletcher’sblueeyesfirstthingin

themorning.Swoon.“ShehadplanstohookupwithTatethisweekend.”

“Obviously.”

Herollsovertohisbackandlooksattheunderneathofthetopbunk.“Ithinkshethoughtshecould

switchthatovertomewhensherealizedhewasn’tcoming.”

“Whywouldshethinkthat?”

“Wemayhavehookedup—notslepttogether,”heclarifies,“buthookeduponceortwice.”

“Ew—afterTate?”

“BeforeTate,”hesays.

“Gross.”

“I’veknownhersincefreshmanyear.SheevenhasthisonandoffagainthingwithCharlie.”He

burrowshisfaceinmyneckandhislipsstarttoroamoverthesensitiveskin.“Canwestoptalkingabout
hernow?”

“Iguess,”Isay.I’vealreadymovedmyhandstohiswaist.I’mnotjealousofShelly.Icantell—no

feel—howmuchHenrywantsme.“WhatshouldwedoaboutTate?”Iask.“Everyoneelseknows.”

“Isayweplayitcoolandseehowitgoes.Nothingobvious.He’llbepissedwhenhefindsout.”

“Iguessifhecan’tmakeoutatworkwecan’teither,”Isay.“Stupidrules.”

Henrylaughs.“It’syourownfault,youknow,youmadethem.”

“HowwasIsupposedtoknowthiswouldhappen?”Iask,butthewayhelooksatmemakesme

thinkIwasafooltonotconsiderit.HenryandIareadonedeal.

Keepingourhandsoffoneanotherbecomesachallengewhenwegetbackhomeandtowork.

Havingsexonlylitthefirebetweenus,andtwodayslaterwe’reavoidingcontactwhileworkingour
positionsatthepool.Byavoiding,Imeanobsessivelywatchingoneanotherandsneakingtouches
wheneverTateisn’tlooking.I’mstartingtothinkweshouldalljustcomeclean.

“No,”TatesayswhenIsuggesthetellHenrywhat’sgoingonbetweenhimandLisa.“Noonecan

know.”

“Well,Iknow.”

“Yeahandit’snotgood.”

“What’sthebigdeal?You’refuckinganolderwoman.”Heappearsstartedatmylanguage,butI

shrug,refusingtothinkofitasanythingelse.“Noonecares.”

“Icare,”hesays,lookingalittleupset.“Youcan’ttell.”

“I’mnotablabbermouth,”Itellhim,walkingbacktomychair.IpassLisaontheway,hersitting

withherbacktothepoolsoshecanchatwithherothermomfriends.Unbelievably,forawomanwith
twokids,shehastight,washboardabsandtheobnoxioussmirkshewearswhenIwalkbyisenoughto
makemybloodboil.Whydoesshehavetobesuchajerkaboutit?DoesshethinkI’mjealous?

“What’swrong,”Henryaskswhenheseesmystill-frustratedexpressionduringthenextadult

swim.

“ThatLisachickrubsmewrong,”Itellhim.

Heglancesovertowhereshe’sbegunsettingoutdinnerononeofthepatiotables.Tate’sandI

havetheclosingshift,buthe’llmostlikelyeatdinnerwithher,likeeveryothernightlately.“She’spretty
comfortable,”heagrees.“MaybeTate’ssleepingwithheranyway.”

Ibitemyliptokeepfromsayinganything.Henrydoesn’tpressit,though.“I’llseeyoutonight?”he

asks.“SydandCharlieinvitedsomefriendsover,wanttohang?”

WhatIwantishoursofnakedtimewithhim,butwe’reinnorush.“Yeah,Icleanupandcome

downaroundnine.”

Lisaspreadsherdinneroutonthetableandtomysurpriseatall,handsomemanwalksintothe

pool.He’swearingcomfortableclothesbutnobathingsuitandhisfacelightsupwhenheseesLisa.

“Who’sthat,”IaskTate.Tate’sfaceturnspaleandIwhisper,“Holyshit,”undermybreath.

Lisastandsandgivesthemanakissonthecheekandthekidsscrambletohughim.Yep.Daddy’s

here.

“Ithoughtshewasdivorced?”

“Yeah,aboutthat,”hesays.“She’snotexactlydivorced.Notyet.”Thiswholesituationisjust

gettingworseandworse.TheobviousguiltonTate’sfaceconfirmsthatfactheknewaboutthehusband.
I’mweighingmyoptionswhenhesays,“You’vegottohelpme.”

“No,Idon’t.”

“I’mseriousPip,herhusbandisontousandhecan’tfindout.”

“Wellthen,stopfuckinghiswife,”Isay.“Thisiswhyyoutookmetothatpartyright?Andhungout

atmyhouse?Youweren’ttakingabreakatall.Youjustneededabufferfromthesororitygirls.”

Taterunshishandsoverhisface.“Iwasn’tusingyouifthat’swhatyou’reimplying.”

“That’sexactlywhatI’mimplyingandIhavethefeelingyou’reabouttodoitagain.”Sameold

narcissistic,self-absorbed,doucheyTate.Ifeellikeanidiot.

“Zadie,I’mseriouswhenIsayIloveher.Honestly,I’vebeeninlovewithhersincethebeginning

ofthesummer.It’swhyIstartedhangingoutwithyouandnotatthefrathouse.It’soneofthereasonsI
tookyoutothesuperheroparty.Ididn’twantothergirlshittingonme.”

Wow.

“Thingsarecomplicatedthoughandsheneedstimetofigurethingsout,”hecontinues.“Ifyou’ll

justdoonethingformeitwillallbeokayandhe’llstopdiggingaround.”

Ishakemyhead.“No.”

“He’lltakeherkids.Themoney,thehouse.She’llhavenothing.”

IwanttoarguethatherhusbandhaseveryrighttodothosethingsbutTateturnsthosegreeneyeson

meandpoutshislipsandhelookssodesperateIfindmyselfcaving.StupidTateandhisdamnJediMind
Trick.“Tate…”I’vegotnothingelsetosay.

“Look,allyouhavetodoisjustpretendtobemygirlfriend?Maybethatwayhe’llbackoffa

little.”

TateChristensenwantstobemyfakeboyfriendandHenryFletcherwantstobemyrealboyfriend.

WhatalternateuniversehaveIstumbledinto?“Justthisonce?”

Hecan’tevenfightthesmileofvictory.“Yes,justtonight.We’llgoover.I’llintroduceyou.Maybe

akissonthecheekanddone.”

Isighandlookatthehappyfamilyacrossthepool,eatingpastasaladandfruit.“Once,butyou’ve

gottoknockitoff,okay?”

HelooksrelivedforthefirsttimesinceLisa’shusbandarrivesandgivesmeabigbearhug,lifting

meofftheground.“Thankyou,”hesaysintomyear.“Youwon’tregretit.”

There’sthatwordagainandI’mstartingtowonderhowgreataphilosophyitis.Regardless,I

followTatetotheshelterandplasterasmileonmyface.HisfingersslipbetweenmineandIcan’thelp
butnoticethemissingsparkthatIhavewithHenry.

“Tate,”Lisasayswithaforcedgrin.“You’vemetmyhusband,Eric,right?”

“Sure,youcamebyacoupleweeksagoandwemetthen.”Tateoffershishand.

“Nicetoseeyou,”Ericsayscordially.

“Haveyoumetmygirlfriend,Zadie?”Tatesays.Lisadoesn’tevenflinch.“Sheworksherealso.”

“No,”Ericsays,givingmeabitwarmersmile.Ifhe’ssuspicioushedoesn’tshowit.“Mustbefun

workingwitheachother.”

“Zadie’saluckygirl,”Lisasays.She’ssodisgusting.Outofspite,Iplaceapossessivehandon

Tate’schest.

“Theluckiest,”Isay.

Tatewormshisarmaroundmywaistandpullsmetight.Ipinchhisbackbuthe’smadeofmuscles

andhedoesn’tloosenhisgrip.Jerk.

Imakeabigshowofcheckingthetimeandsay,“Ohlook,breakisover.Ibettergetbacktowork.”

Ismilenicelyateveryoneandattempttomakeabreak.Tatehasotherideasandbendsdownandkisses
me.I’mstunnedintosomesortofhazysubmission.HetriestoslipmethetongueandIpushbackonhis
chest,usingmyutterembarrassmenttothebenefitofthischarade.

“Notatwork,babe,”Isay,narrowingmyeyesandmanagingtowiggleoutofhisarms.Ifeelthe

scrutinyofeveryoneatthetableandmakemyescape,wonderingwhatI’vegottenmyselfinto.Justthis
once,Iremindmyself.Itbetterbe,becauseIcan’timagineHenrybeingokaywithanotheroneofthose
kisses.

*

Consumedbythestressoftoomanysecrets,IwillinglyjoininthecircleatHenry’sthatnight.It’s

thefirsttimeI’vesmokedwithhisroommates,butthey’relaidbackandeasytogetalongwith.Tomy
surprise,ShellywashuddledclosetoCharlieonthecouchwhenIwalkedin.WhenIliftedaneyebrowin
questionHenryjustshruggedandkissedmeonthemouth.

“Youtastelikecandy,”hesays,kissingmeagain.OutofguiltanddisgustI’dcomehomefromwork

andbrushedmyteethtwice.ThenIsuckedonseveralpiecesofhardcandy.

Histonguelingersinmymouthandthepitofmystomachflipflops.

“Howwasclosing?”heasks,pullingmedownintohislap.Thetelevisionisonablackandwhite

movie.Inoticesubtitlesatthebottom.ApparentlyCharlieisthefilmmajorwhowatchesanythingand
everythinghecangethishandson.Nogenreisofflimits.Ican’tfigureoutwhatthisoneisabout,butat
leastit’snotporn.

“Uneventful,”Ilie.“Sameold,sameold.”

TheboystalksomeandItrytoremainneutraltoShelly,eventhoughsheseemstowatchourevery

move.Herinterestmakesmeuncomfortable,butIrealizeIneedtogetoverit.AccordingtoHenryshe’s
harmless,soIdecidetoplaynice.

“How’scamp?”Iask.

“Prettygood.IhadacoupleofdaysoffsoIcamehome.”

“Youliveinthesororityhouse?”

“Nah,Ihaveanapartmentwithsomeothergirls.”Shereachesinherpocketandpullsouther

phone.

“Smile,”shesays,holdinguphercamera.I’veloosenedupenoughtoposewithHenry.Ilaugh

whilehenibblesonmyear,thesensationflaringupanddownmybody.Shephotographseveryoneelse,
includingadozenofherselfmakingvariousposes.

“Ilikeyournecklace,”shesays,whileHenryrepacksthebowlonthetablenexttous.“Seehow

coolitlookswiththisfilter?”

Itakehercameraandflipthroughthephotos.Shedoeshaveaneatfilter,makingeverythingvivid

andbright.“Sonoonecaresifyouhangwhoyouhangwith?LikeGreeksornon-Greeks?”Iask,handing
itbacktoher.

“Eh,notreally.Wehaverequiredeventsandstuffbutotherwisenoonecaresmuch.”Charlielays

hisarmaroundherneck.Sherespondsbynuzzlingintohisside.Igetthedesireforclosenessbecausethe
weedismakingmyskinsensitiveandeverytimeHenrybrushesagainstmeIhavetofighttheurgeto
pounceonhim.

Mybattlestopsthethirdtimethepipecomesaround,Henryturnsmearound,positioningmesothat

I’mstraddlinghislap,legsbentinthechair.“What?”Iask,laughingatthedeterminedsetofhisjaw.

Hekissesme,wettingmylipsbeforetakesahitfromthebowl.Whenheleansforward,Iwelcome

it,pressingmymouthtohis.HeshotgunsthesmokedirectlyintomylungsandIfeelthevagueburninmy
chest.Iholdit,orIthinkIdo,becauseoncehismouthconnectswithmine,mymindandbodygiveinto
hazydesire.

Henrydoesn’tstopkissingmewhenthesmokeisgone,leaningusbothovertohandthepipeto

someoneelse.Iliftup,tryingtoreachhimbetter,andIfeelthepressureofhisfingersdiggingintomy
lowerback.

“Dude,”Syd’svoicecarriesthroughthefogandweseparate.Ilookovermyshoulderatthetwo

smirkingguysandawide-eyedShellyplayingwithherphone.

“Getaroomorknockitoff,”hesayswithhisheadlazilyonthecouch.

Ipullaway,embarrassed.Henryshrugsandstands,liftingmeintheairwithhisarms.Healmost

dropsme,becauseI’mnotreadyforhisquickmovement.Imanagetoflingmyarmsaroundhisneckand
wrapmylegsaroundhiships,insteadoftumblingtothefloor.

“Bedroom?”heasks,alreadywalkinginthatdirection.

“Yes,please,”Iwhisperback,uncaringofhowdesperatelyneedyandhornyIlooktohis

roommates.WhenIdoglanceback,Iseethey’refullyengrossedwiththemovie.

HenrytossesmeonhisbedandIlandonasmoothcomforter.Itugatmyshirt.“Whyarewe

wearingsomanyclothes?”Iask.

“Nofuckingclue.”Heyankshisshirtoverhisheadanddoesthesametomine.Theybothlandon

hisdesk,knockingstufftothefloor.Heattacksmyshortsnextandsoonthey’reinthepilealongwithhis
andI’mlyinginmybraandpantieswhilehestandsovermebucknaked,erectionbobbingintohis
stomach.

Igettomykneesandhedoesthesame.Myhandswraparoundhim,hardandreadywhilehe

struggleswiththeclasponmybra.“Jesus,doIneedacodeforthisthing?”

“Letmedoit,”Ilaugh,battingawayhishands.

“Noway,Icandoit.”Hesetshisjawindetermination.Thisonlymotivatesmetoleanforward

andlickthehardlinesofhischin.Ipushhimtohisbackandstraddlemylegsoverhiships.“Fuckit,”he
says,nowthatmybreastshoveroverhim.There’sagreedygleaminthiseyesandheyanksthecupsdown
infrustration,somynipplesarevisible.Palmingmybreastshebringshismouthtoone.

“You’reridiculous,”Ilaughormorerightly,squeal.Thatquicklyturnsintoamoanbecausehe’s

skilledwithhismouthandevenmoresowithhishands,whichhavefoundtheirwayintomypanties.

“Ridiculouslyawesome,”hesays,tryingtokeepastraightface.It’simpossible,though,andwe

giggleourwaythrough,stillhighanddefinitelygiddy.Mymindrelaxeswhileeverynerveonmybody
feelsheightened.

I’mreadyforhimandIwanthim.Iexpressthisbytuggingandpullingathisbody—reachingfor

hisdick.Hisblue,heatedeyesstopmecoldandhisheaddisappearsbetweenmylegs,hismouthand
tongueworkinglazilyagainstmybody.Ithreadmyfingersinhishair,rollingmyhipstotherhythmwe’ve
set.Hebringsmetotheveryedgebeforeliftinghishead.Hisfingersgrabmyhipsandheslidesmedown
thebed,pushinginside.Thepressureandspeedofhismoveelicitsagasp.

Ionlylastmomentsmoreandhefollowsbehindme,restinghisexhausted,sweaty,slipperybody

onmine.

“You’reright,”IsayonceIcatchmybreath.

“Aboutwhat?”He’srestinghischinonmyboobsandlooksupwithglazed-overeyes.

Irunmyfingeralongface.“Youareprettyawesome.”

ChapterTwelve

Ourlustmakesuscareless,oratleastuncaringaboutourpriorrulesforsexatwork.Heated

kissesinthepumproom.Ahandjobbehindthelockedofficedoor.Tate’sdistractedbyLisaandwecan’t
getenoughofoneanother.

“Summerromancesuitsyou,”Joshsays,fromtheloungechairnexttomine.It’sTuesday,myday

off,andI’mupherebecauseI’mobsessed.Myroommatelowershisglassesandchecksmeout.“Orat
leastsexdoes.”

“I’dcallyouapervertorsomething,butit’strue.SexwithHenryisprettygreat.”

“I’veheard,”hesayswithaknowingsmile.Hisbedroomisnexttomine.“Idon’tblameyou,

though.He’sgotakillerbody.OnceIgotmyhandsonthatI’dhaveahardtimeleavingitalone.”

“Davey’snotenoughforyou?”

“He’senoughbuthe’sgonehomefortheholiday.”

“Toobad.”Iclosemybookandtuckitundermyseat.“I’vebeenmeaningtoaskwhat’sgoingon

withTricialately?She’sneveraround.”

“Funny,sheaskedthesamethingaboutyou.”

“Whatdoesthatmean?”

“You’vejustbeenprettyfocusedonHenrylately.”Heholdsuphishands.“I’mnotjudging.Just

statingthefacts.”

“Well,she’snotaroundeither,”Isay.“AtleastIhaveareason.”

“Shehasareason,butmaybeyoushouldaskherwhatitis.”

“You’renotgoingtotellme.”

“Noway.Ilearnedmylessonaboutgettinginbetweenthetwoofyouintheninthgradewhenyou

bothhadacrushonRickyRichardsonandgotinthatslapfightinfrontofthefronthalltrophycase.”

“Iapologizedforthat.”

Hesighs.“Justtalktoher,okay?Makeaneffort.”

“Fine.Icandothat.”

“So,”Joshsays,shiftinggears.“IsawsomephotosofyouandHenrygettingquitecloseon

Instagramtheotherday.”

“Whatphotos?”Irackmybrainandcomeupempty.

Hepicksupthephoneandtapsthescreen.“Here.”

“Ugh,”Isay,scrollingthroughthephotos.PictureafterpictureofmeandHenrymakingout.I’m

straddlinghislapandhishandsareallovermybackside.Atleasttheweedandparaphernaliaarenotin
theshot.“Who’saccountisthis?”

“ItsaysShellybeanD3?”

“FreakingShelly,”Isigh.“Iwasstonedandhorny.”

“Yourtwoweaknesses.”

IwonderifHenry’sseenthisandifitwouldupsethim.Probablynot.Notmuchdoes,butIdon’t

liketheexposure.Notafterthevideoandallthefalloutlastyear.

WebothstareatHenryacrossthepooltalkingtoTate.It’stheweekbeforetheFourthofJulyand

manyofthefamiliesareoutoftownsothingsarealittleslow.

“Ithinkyoushouldgofuckhimnow,”Joshdeclares.

“What?No,”Isay.“Imean,sureIwantto,butthere’sthewholeethicsofthe‘nosexatwork’thing

andHenry’sonduty.Plus,Tateisrightthereandwell,wherewouldweevendoit?”

“Well,obviouslythewaterisout.Howabouttheoffice?”

“No.”

“Quickieinthecar?”

Iconsideritforamoment,butit’s98degreesoutside.We’dsuffocate.“Toohot.”

WhatthehelldidImean,toohot?I’mnotseriouslyconsideringthis.

“Whataboutthechangingroom?It’sprettyspaciousinthere,shadyandcool.There’sevena

bench.”

“SomeonecouldwalkinandHenry’sworking,”Iargue.

Joshsoundsprettyexcitedaboutthisnowandthrowshislegsoverthesideofthechair.Heleans

towardmeconspiratorially.“Okay,thisiswhatwe’lldo.YouwalkintothechangingroomandgetHenry
tofollowyou.Lockthedoor.I’lldistractTate.”

“Idon’tknow,”Isay,butonelookatHenryandmylibidoovertakesme.He’sgotbotharms

stretcheduptothetopoftheshelterroof,fingershookedovertheedge.Thewaistbandofhispantsslides
downrevealingthewhite,non-tanskin.Thesoft,downyhairofhishappytrailfullyexposed.Iballmy
fistsindeterminationandstand.“Let’sdothis.”

Withmyshouldersbackandmychestforward,Imakemywayacrossthepool.I’vealready

attractedHenry’sattention.EvenTateseesmecoming,butthenagain,I’mwearingabikini,whichis
prettymuchallittakes.Ipasstheboysandtiltmyhead,suggestingHenryfollowme.Idon’tlookback,
butfeelhimbehindmeandsureenough,I’vebarelymadesurethechangingroomisclearwhenhe
appearsinthedoorway.

“What’sup,”hesays,eyeseverywherebutmyface.He’sobliviousthough,whichmakesthiseven

moreexciting.

“Lockthedoor.”

Henry’seyebrowsshootupwardandasilly,sexygrinformsonhislips.Heturnsthelockand

closesthespacebetweenus.Hisskinishotfromthesun,greasywithsunscreen.Thesurprisemake-out
seemstobesomethinghe’sinto;atleastIassumethisduetothenoticeabletightnessinhispants.His
fingerstugandpullatmybikinitopbutIstophim,pushinghimtowardthebenches.

“Sit,”Idirect.Hefollowsmyordersandslideshisbackdownthewalluntilhe’ssitting.Ikneel

beforehimandhisjawdrops.

“Yeah?”heasks.Inodandpawathiswaistbandandthat’salltheinstructionheneeds.Moving

quickly,erratically,helowershisshortsandhiserectionspringsfree.Histrunksfalltohisankles.

Irunmyhandsupanddownhisthighs,pushinghislegsapart.Imakesureto“accidentally”graze

hiscockintheprocess.Thiselicitsthehottest,genuineshudderandheexpelsalongshakybreath.His
pleasuremakesmebold.Iknowwe’veonlygotafewminutes.JoshcanonlydistractTateforsolong.

“Ready?”Iask.Henrymimicsmelickingmylips.

“Uh,duh.Imean,yes,please.”Irollmyeyesandbenddown.Tastingthetipandthenthesides.I

takehiminwhole.

“Ohman,”hemumbles,pushingonehandintomyhairandtheotheronmybreast.Afewminutesis

allittakesandIhaveHenryworkedintoatremblingmess.“Pip,”hebreathes,pushingatmyhairbutI
don’tstop.Instead,Iholdontohiships,absorbingtheconvulsionsthatjoltthroughhisbodyashecomes.

Eyesclosed,Henrysinksbackintothewall,hisbreathheavyandstrained.

“Youbettergo,”Itellhim,eventhoughI’mhornyashellmyself.

“Justlikethat?”heasks.“Nocuddling?”

“Sorry,babe.Wecancuddlelater.”

“Damnright,wecan.Andwill.”Hisvoicecrackslikeatwelveyearold.

Iwalkovertothesinkandmirrorandmakealameattempttostraightenmyhairandtop.Henry’s

faceappearsbehindmineinthemirrorandIfeelhishandonmyhip.Iturnaround.

“You’rethebest,”hesays,hiseyesfilledwithuttersincerity.He’sprettyfreakingadorable.

“You’rewelcome?”Iask,morethansay.Idon’tthinkhehearsmebecauseI’mengulfedina

massivehug.HisarmssqueezemesotightIcanbarelybreathe.

Hefinallyreleasesmewithakiss,thenunlocksandopensthedoor.Sunlightandheatburstintothe

room.Iwaitforabeat,squintingatthebrightlight.There’snoonearoundsoIfollowhimout,adjusting
thetiesatmyhips.Noneedtoexposemyselftoeveryoneatthepool.

IroundthecorneroftheshorthallwayfromthechangingareaandhearTatecallmyname.“Zadie!

I’vebeenlookingalloverforyou.”

“Youwere?”SomethingabouthisvoicesoundsoffandIlookaround.Joshiswalkingbacktohis

chairandHenry’salreadyonhiswaybackacrossthepool.

“Yeah,babe,”hesays,throwinghisarmaroundmyshoulder.“Wantedtomakesureyouwereallin

forthepartyonthefourth?”

“Theparty?”Iask,tryingtofollow.

“Atthefrat.”Hiseyesdarttotheright,whileflashinganencouraging,mega-wattsmile.Iglance

overandseeLisaandherhusbandundertheshelter.Admittedly,hedoesseemprettyinterestedinour
conversation.“Remember?”

“Oh,right,ofcourse.I’mallin,”Isay.

“Great,”hesays,givingmeahug,notunliketheoneHenryjustgavemeinthebathroom.Well,

physicallyit’sthesame.Theemotionalconnectionfallsflat.Postblow-jobhugsarefarsuperiortofake
relationshiphugs.

IwigglefreefromTateandstartbackovertomyseatwithJosh.HalfwaythereI’mstoppedby

Lisa’shusband,Eric,who’seasingintothewater.“You’vegotquitethefanclub,”hesays.

“Excuseme?”

“Oneboytosneakaroundwith—anotherforshow.Howdotheyfeelaboutit?”

MyeyesflicktoHenry,whoisinthemiddleofanargumentwithaneightyearoldinthedeepend.

“Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout.”

“Ofcourseyoudon’t,”hesnorts.“Sluttycollegegirlsareadimeadozenandtypicallyyourtrivial

loveaffairswouldn’tinterestme.ExceptIsuspectthey’reaffectingmyfamily.Marriageisn’tagame,
younglady.Especiallymine.”

HistonemakesmeuncomfortableandIstarttowalkaway.I’vebarelymovedtwofeetwhenhe

says,“I’mcuriouswhatwouldhappenifIrevealedtoTatethatyoujusthadatrystwiththatotheryoung
man.Heemergedfromthechangingroomslookingquitepleasedwithhimself.Ifigureyouhadsomething
todowiththat.”Hewinkedknowingly.Gross.

“Areyouthreateningme?”Iask,conflictedandconfusedaboutthissituation.Whoishetothreaten

me?

“Justspeculating,”heshrugs.“JustlikehowIwonderifyourbosswouldcarethatyou’reall

involved,youknow,intimately?Thatyouriskthesafetyoftheswimmerstoscrewaround?”

AngerandfearbuildinmychestbutIdon’treact.Hestepsforwardandinalowvoicehesays,

“Youdon’twanttomesswithme,Zadie.IfTateishurtingmyfamilylikeIsuspectheis,thenIwillhurt
thosehecaresaboutinreturn.”

Istareathimhard,givinghimmymostdisgustedfaceandwalkaway.Imutter,“Psycho,”loud

enoughforhimtohear.Joshlooksupfromhisphonewithagrinbutitfadesassoonasheseesmy
expression.

“What’swrong?”heasks,frowning.

Ishakemyheadandpickupmybook.MyhandsshakeandItrymyhardesttosteadythem.Irealize

nowthatTatewasrightaboutLisa’shusbandbeingsuspicious.IalsoknowthatIneedtocomecleanwith
Henry.Soonerthanlater.

*

Myfishbowltasteslikewatered-downtequila,thejukeboxmusicseemsespeciallyloud,andmy

sundressiswaytoorevealing,butI’vecomeoutwithanulteriormotive.Theplanisforthedrinktomake
mebold,themusictodrownoutapossiblesceneandformyboobstohypnotizeHenryintothinkingabout
sexinsteadofbeingpissed.

Onelookathissemi-glazedovereyesandallthreeseemtobeworking.ThatwouldbegreatifI’d

fessedupaboutTateyetbutIhaven’t.Heprobablyjustthinkshe’sgettingluckytonight.Ifigurethatif
he’sstillspeakingtomeoncethisconversationisover,thenthat’saprettysolidassumption.

“Thesetastelikecrap,”hesays,stirringhisstrawaroundthegiantglass.“WhereareTriciaand

Josh?DidtheybailonFishbowlThursday?”

“Theymaymeetuslater,”Isay.“JoshandDaveyareprettytightandeventhoughshehasn’tsaid

anything,IthinkTriciamaybeseeingsomeone.”

“Really?Whythesecrecy?”

“SomeoneatworkIthink.”Itakeasipofmydrinkandrunmyfingeralongmysundressstrap

nervously.“Um,IhadsomethingIwantedtotalktoyouaboutanyway.”

Hetakesanothersip.“What’sthat?”

“HaveyounoticedhowTate’sbeenprettyhuggywithmelately?”

Henrysobersabit.“Ishebuggingyou?Didhedosomething?”

“No,notexactly.”Itakeagulpofmydrinkandsigh.“BeforewewenttothecampthatweekendI

caughtTateandLisahavingsexontheofficedesk.ItoldhimIwouldkeepitasecretuntilwehada
chancetotalk,butinsteadLisa’shusbandshowedupatwork.Tatewasconvincedherhusbandknewand
beggedmeposeashisgirlfriend.”

“Whatdoyoumean,pose?”heasks,warily.

Ileanforward.“Nothingbig.Promise.Justhugsandstuffwhenherhusbandwasaround.Itoldhim

Iwasn’tdoingitmorethantheonetime,butahugisjustahugandnotabigdeal,except…”

Henryrunshishandsthroughhishair.“Justbehonest.DidyousleepwithTate?”

Myjawdrops.“What?No.”

HelooksrelievedenoughthatI’msurehebelievesme.“IknowTatewellenoughtobuywhat

you’resaying.IhadafeelinghewasfuckingLisa.Therewasjustnowayhe’dkeephishandsoffherall
summer.”

“Soyou’renotmad?”Iask,feelingawaveofreliefmyself.

Henrymovesfromhissideoftheboothandslidesintomine.Hewrapshisarmsaroundmeand

givesmeakiss.“Tate’scrazyandyou’rebeautiful.I’mjustgladhedidn’ttrytohitonyoubecausethen
I’dhavetokickhisass.Again.”

“Again?”

Hisfaceflamesred.“Yeah,heandIgotintoitwhenIsawhimatyourapartmentawhileback.He

knewhowIfeltaboutyouandIthoughthewasmakingamove.”

Ishakemyhead.“Nope,justusingmetofurtherhisdisgustingaffairwithLisa.”

“Imadeitprettyclearyouwerehandsoff.Nowonderhetoldyounottotellme.”

“I’msorryIlied.”

“Youwerebeingafriendandtechnicallyhedidn’tknowweweretogether,”hesays.“But

seriously,thankgodIdon’thavetoreallyfighthimoveryou,notthatIwouldn’t,butI’mprettysurehe
wouldwin.”

“He’sgotprettybigmuscles,”Iagree.

“Hey!”Hislipsformthemostadorablepout.“Ihavemuscles.”

Irunmyhandoverhisleg.“Sothere’sonemorething.ImayhaveagreedtogotoaFourthofJuly

partywithTateandpretendtobehisfakedate.”

Hiseyebrowsknittogether.“Whywouldyouagreetothat?”

IexplainhowLisa’shusbandthreatenedmeearlierintheday.Henry’seyesblankforasecondand

Igetagoodideawhathelookslikewhenhe’sangry.“IthinkIshouldplayitoffonemorenightandthen
we’lljustsettlethisonceandforall.Hecan’thurtmeoryounowthatI’vetoldyou.TateandLisawill
havetobeontheirown.”

“Icandealwithonemorenight,butI’mprobablygoingtogotothatpartytoo.”

“Pleasedo.Youcankeepmefrommakinganassoutofmyselfagain.Oh,bytheway,didyousee

thephotosShellypostedofusonInstagram?”

Henods.“Thosewereprettyhot.”

“Youthinkso?”

“Iknowso,”hesays,hishandsreachingfortheexposedskinonmylegs.We’rehalfwaytangledup

inthebooth.“Wanttogetoutofhere?”

ThisiswhatIloveaboutHenry.He’scarefreeandeasy.Helovesandhe’sloyal.Isearchforthe

tattooonhisarm.Pressingmylipstothewords,Ifollowhimoutofthebarandintothenight.

ChapterThirteen

Ihearthemusicandcrowdbeforeweevengettothehouseandwhenwedo,myjawdropsatthe

sceneinfrontofme.Tate’sfraternitybrothersmaybeabunchofknuckleheads,buttheysureknowhowto
throwaparty.Red,white,andbluebannershangfromthefaceofthehouse.Thefrontyardiscoveredin
picnictablesandpiledwithfood.Severalguys,pledgesIassume,manthegrillsandkegslinetheporch.
Girlsinbikinisandshirtlessguysareeverywhere.Tate’sinthemiddleofeverything,lookingeverybit
theGreekGod.

“Yousaidthere’sapool?”IaskTate,whotoldmetodressforswimming.“Idon’trememberthere

beingapoollasttime.”

“Waituntilyouseeit,”hesayswithakillergrin.Hetakesmyhandanddragsmearoundtheside

ofthehouse.Thebackyardiscoveredinsand,obviouslybroughtinbythetruckloadandthere’sahuge
abovegroundpoolsurroundedbywooddecking.Coedssunbatheonblueandwhiteloungechairs.“The
poolisonlywaistdeep,butthat’ssortofjustsowecanseethegirl’stit’sandstuff.”

“Thisissortofamazing,”Isay,tryingtoabsorbeverythingandintentionallyignoringhisgross

comment.

“Isn’tit?”

Thesunisstartingtoset,whichisgoodfortheheat.HenryandIworkedthedayshiftatthepool,

andbecauseoftheholiday,weclosedearly.Tate’sbeenherealldayandfromhisslurringvoicehe’shad
quiteabittodrink.Hishandinchesdownmyback.Imoveitandsay,“Canwesetsomeparameters?”

“Sure.”Hesettleshishandsonhiships.

“Kissingonthecheekonly.Nolips.Also,nobuttorboobgrabs.Youcanhugmeorwrapyourarm

aroundmyshoulderorwaist.”

“Allright.Anythingelse?”

“I’mnotdrinkingorsmokinganything.Nothing.Don’tevenoffer,”Itellhim.Then,becauseI’m

tiredofthegames,Iadd,“Oh,andHenrywillbehereinaboutthirtyminutes.Heknowseverything.”

Tate’seyeswidenandheshiftshisfeet.“Everything?”

“Everything,”Iconfirm.“Oh,andwe’redating.”

Hetakesthatinstride,noddinghisheadalittle,maybedoingalittlerelationshipmathinhishead.

Thebathroombreaks,cleaningthepumproom…Tatemaybeachuckleheadbuthe’snotstupid.“How
pissedishe?”

“YouknowHenry,hetakeseverythingprettyeasily.”

“Notwhenitcomestoyou,”hesays,rubbinghisjaw.“So,tonight.We’lljustpresentlikeclose

friends.EnoughtokeepLisa’shusbandandalltheavailableladiesoffmyjock.”

“Yourjock?”

Hegivesmealazygrinandcupshisjunk.“Everybodywantsuponthis.”

“Gross.”

“Everyoneexceptyou,ofcourse.Seriouslythough,herhusbandhasbeenalloverme.He’ssent

someprivateinvestigatoraround.Askingthebrothersaboutme,takingphotos.Iwouldn’tbesurprisedif
he’saroundheretoday.NowayI’dbeabletopickhimoutinthissizecrowd.”Hetossesanarmaround
myshoulderandwewalkintothethrongofpeople.Tatestopsatabarsetupintheyard.“ThisisZadie.
She’swithme,”hesaystothebartender.“Sheonlygetsnon-alcoholicdrinks.Gotit?”

“Gotit,”theguysays,pouringmearedcoloreddrinkoutofapitcher.HehandsitoverandIsniff

it.Thebartenderassuresmebysaying,“Virgin.”

WetakeourdrinksandIaskthequestionI’vebeenholdingonto.“SoyouthinkEric’sinvestigator

istakingphotos?”

“Lisathinkshe’stryingtobuildacaseagainsther.”

“Areyousureallthisisnecessary?Itseemsalittleextreme.“

“She’sfilingfordivorcetomorrow.Afterthatwe’llhavemorefreedom.”

“Good,”Isay.Itakeadeepbreath.“Okay,sincethisisthelastdayforallthisandIdecidedtogo

outwithabang.YoucanneversayIdidn’tdoanythingforyou.”

“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“IboughtsomethingIthinkyou’lllikeandmaybewillhelpthecause,”Itellhim.“Well,it’salittle

bitforyouandalittlebitforHenry.Isawitinthestoreandjusthadtobuyit.”Iliftmysundressovermy
headrevealingthenewswimsuitIbought.Tate’seyespopwideopenandheburstintolaughter.

Ilookdownattherevealingsuit,blackmaterialwithgoldstringsandadjustthestraps.Agold

marijuanaleafhadbeenappliedtothefabriccoveringmybreastsandoneovermypelvis.Myskinhas
turnedawarmbrownoverthelastcoupleofweeks,whichsetsoffthesuitnicely.IfiguredTatewould
lovethefactI’mposingashisdateinaskimpybikini,whileHenrywoulddigthedesign.Well,he’lldig
theskimpinesstoo,butforthispartyhe’llhavetolookandnottouch.

“Damn,”Tatesays,hiseyesgluedtomychest.Thatisuntilhe’ssentsprawlingtotheside.“Fuck!”

HenryappearsinthespacewhereTatehadbeenstanding.Hiseyesskimovereveryinchof

exposedskin.Helickshislipsandhisfiststensenearhissides.Ican’ttellifit’stokeepfrompunching
Tateortokeephishandsoffofme.“Damn.Yeah,thisisn’tgoingtowork.”

“Whatthehell,dude?”Tateasks,scramblingtohisfeet.

“This.Nowayyou’regettinganywherenearZadieinthatbikini.”Thehintofpossessivenessinhis

voicemakesmystomachflip.

Itakeastepforward.“Look,wealreadywentoverthegroundrules.Tate’sgoingtobehave.Isay

wejusthaveagooddayandoncethisisover,it’sover.”Ilowermyvoice.“Nooneisgoingtotouchme
butyou.Ipromise.”

Henry’sjawtensesbuthenods.Hedropshistowelandshirtonthechairnexttominebefore

announcingheneedsadrink.Hewandersoff.Iliebackonmyownloungechairandstretchout.Apledge
walksovertoTatewithsomesortoffraternitybusiness.TheywalkofftogetherandIclosemyeyesinan
attempttogainsomepeace.Onepositiveofmysummerofbeingaroundnoisykidshasgivenmethe
abilitytoshutoutalotofthenoisearoundthepool.I’vesuccessfullyzonedout,untilIfeelcolddripping
wateracrossmyabdomen.

“Ahh!”Ishout,sittingup.IopenmyeyesandfindJacksonstandingabovemeinboardshortshung

loosearoundhiships.Waterrollsdownhischest.Heholdsabluepartycupinhishands.

“Longtime,nosee,”hesayswithhischarmingsmile.ThisguymustgiveTatearunforhismoney.

“Jackson,”Isay.“Howareyou?”

“Better,now.”

IignorehisflirtingandsearchforHenry.IspothimtalkingtoCharlieandShellynearthevolley

ballcourt.

“Youneedadrink?”Jacksonasks,sittinginHenry’schair.Heleansbackandplaceshiscuponthe

groundnexttomine,makinghimselfcomfortable.“Food?Poolsupervision?Suntanlotiononyourback?”

“I’mgood.Thanks.”

“You’reabitofanenigma.”Hetiltshisheadinmydirection.

“How’sthat?”Iwonder.

“WinningoverTateforthesummer.He’susuallyhardtopindown.”

“TateandIgowayback,maybethatmadeiteasier.”

“Maybe,”hemuses.HishairdriesquicklyintheheatandIcanseetheloose,blondcurlsstarting

toappearoverhisears.Hiseyesnarrowandheleansforward.“Don’tmove,”hesaysquietly.Ifreeze
andheplaceshishandonmyneck.Ithinkhe’sgoingtokissmebutheonlyrubshisthumbovermyskin.
“Mosquito.Thesebastardsarevicious.”

JacksonpullsbackandItouchmycheek.“Thanks.”

AlongshadowcrossesoverthetwoofusandIlookup.Henry’sreturnedwithtwocups.Fromthe

lookofthebeerfoamatthetop,bothareforhim.Whateverheneedstogetthroughthisday.“Hey,”he
says.“You’reinmyseat,Jackson.”

“Niceofyoutocrash,Henry,”hesays.“Iguesswe’renotgoodenoughtobeyourbrothers

anymorebutgoodenoughtodrinkourbeer.”

“Soundsaboutright,”Henrysays,unaffected.

“IwasjustcheckingonZadietoseethatshe’sbeingattendedto.”Hehasthethickestsouthern

drawlthatIfinddisturbinglyappealing.TheexpressiononHenry’sfacesuggestshe’snotimpressed.

“I’llkeephercompanyuntilTategetsback,”hesays.There’sanunderliningtensionbetweenthem

butJacksonjustnodsandwalksoff.Twosecondslaterhe’sjumpedintothepool,splashingsomegirls.

“Areyoufriends?”Iask.

“Notreally.Notanymore,atleast.Wepledgedtogether.Hecouldn’tunderstandwhyIleftthe

fraternity.Admittedly,it’sabitofasocialblunderformetobehere.Ididwalkaway.ButTate’sgot
enoughpullthatifhesaysit’scoolformetobeherethennoonewillreallyquestionit.”Hiseyesroam
downmybody.“GoodthingIshowedup.NowayI’mlettingyououtofmysightinthatthing.”

Westareatoneanother,theenergybuilding.Imayneedtojumpinthepoolandcooloffmyself.

Dammit.

Ireachformydrinkandturnaway,takingabiggulp.“Don’tlookatmelikethat,”Isay,keepingmy

eyesanywherebutonhim.ShrieksfromthepoolcatchmyattentionandIseeacoupleofgirlsina
chickenfight.Theycouldbestraightoutofaporno.

“Likewhat?”heasksinnocently.

“It’slikeabadmovie.”

Hetakesasipofhisbeer.“It’scollegeandit’sfun.Relaxandenjoyyourself.”

“WhenIdothatItendtomakeamessofthings.Likethesuperheroparty.”Hedoesn’tknowabout

EltonandthevideoandI’mnotabouttotakethisastheopportunitytotellhim.

“DoyouthinkNealCassidyorHunterS.Thompsonworriedaboutwhatpeoplethoughtabout

them?Theyspenthalftheirlivesinadrugaddledhazeandcalleditlifeexperience.”

“I’mnotsayingIdon’tappreciatetheirwork,butI’drathernothavetobeanaddicttobe

successful.”

“I’mnotsuggestingyouturnintoanaddict,Pip.Ijustthinkyouneedtochilloutandseewherelife

takesyou.”

“Thingsaredifferentnow,withvideoandphotoseverywhere.Idon’tlikebeingexposedlikethat.”

“Don’tyouthinktheywouldhavebeencoolwiththeexposure?Theydocumentedeverythingelse?

Thentheyfictionalizedit—workingthestorywiththeirowntwist.”

It’saweirdargument—ordiscussion,andI’mtorninmyviews.Thankfullyahulkingshadowcasts

overthetwoofus,interruptingourconversation.“Hey,man.”

TatesitsattheedgeofmyseatandInursethedrinkhebroughtmeearlier.It’ssicklysweetbutI’m

thirsty.It’ssohotI’mbeginningtofeelalittlelight-headed.Thegirlschicken-fightinginthepoolsqueal,
andwealllookover.Oneoftheirtopshasfallenoffandshe’smakingabigshowaboutcoveringherself.

“Seriously?”Iask.“Thisishowwe’respendingournightoff?”

“Wecanseethefireworksfromdowntownfromhere,”Henryoffers.

“Fireworks?”

“Yep,it’srightafterthewetT-shirtcontest,”Tatechimesin.

“You’rekidding.”

HenryshakeshisheadandTatedoesn’tevenpretendhe’snotintoit.“Seethosesprinklersoverthe

deck?Thegirlsstandunderneathandwatercomesout.Jacksonorganizesit.”

“Bigsurprise.”

“Youshouldtotallyenter.ThegirlIcamewithlastyearwon.”Tateliftshiseyebrowssuggestively.

“Yeah,Idon’tthinkso.”

“You’renotnakedoranything,justinfratshirtoveryourbikini.You’dwin.”HeglancesatHenry.

“Right?”

Myboyfriendreluctantlynods.“Yeah,you’dwin.Handsdown.”

I’mdisturbedathowflatteringthatsounds,sinceit’sobviouslysodisgustingandoffensive.“You’ll

havetopickanotherringer,Iguess,becausethere’snochanceinhell.”

TheyfallintosomefraternitygossipandIleavetogetanotherdrink.I’mhitonbynolessthan

threeguysasIwalkthroughthecrowdandagain,Ifindmyselfconfusedbytheattention.Maybeit’sthe
girltoguyratioorsomething.Thenagain,thissuitinthisenvironmentbegsforattention,andthatbrings
outconflictedemotionsofanxietyandexcitement.MaybeIcanpushpastthisfearonceandforall.Ican
bepartofthecrowd.I’mnotdoinganythingtheseothergirlsaren’tdoingaswell.

AtthebarIfindShelly,cladinared,white,andbluesuit.“Heygirl,”shesays,givingmeahug.

“Loveyoursuit.”

“It’skindofajoke,”Iexplain.

“Foryourman.Igetit.Helovesweedandhelovesyou.Twopunches,”shetellsthebartender.

“I’mnotdrinking,”Isay.

ShelooksatmelikeIhavethreeheads.

“Nottonight.IjustneedtokeepmyheadlevelandlatelyI’vemadesomestupidchoices.Like

thosephotosyoutook.God,Ilookedlikeawhore.”

“Why,becauseyou’remakingoutwithyourboyfriend?That’snotbeingawhore.Youtwoarein

love.It’ssortofinspiring.”

“PicturesofHenry’shandsonmyasswhileIdryhumphiminfrontofaroomofpeopleisn’t

inspiring.”

“Itwaserotic.”

“Tackypornatbest.”

Sheshakesherheadandlaughs.“Youjudgeyourselftooharshly.Nooneelseseesitlikethat.

We’reyoungandhavingfun.”

I’mdoubtfulbutsay,“Maybe.”

“There’snomaybeaboutit.Youneedtolightenup.Haveagoodtime.”Sheturnsawaytogather

ourcups.“Here,”shepressesoneinmyhand.“Thisone’syours.”

Isniffit.There’snoalcoholinit.“Thanks.”

Shellyleadsmethroughthecrowdandintroducesmetosomeofherfriends.They’reniceandI

starttoloosenup.Tatecomesaround,handsybutfollowingtherules.Everyonethinkswe’retogether.
Shellydoesn’taskquestions,whichisweirdsincesheknowsallaboutmeandHenry,butmaybeshe
doesn’tcare.Maybesheseesthroughthegames.Maybe,likeshesaid,she’snotintojudging.Icouldbe
morelikethis,Ithink.Icouldhavemorefun.

“Zadie,comeon!”agirlcalls.Cassie?Camille?Theywantmetojointhem,andIdo.JustasI

enterthephotoboothwiththegirls,IcatchHenry’seye.He’sshinyandbright,likeastar,andIfightthe
urgetogotohim.

Hesmilesandtiltshishead,mylastimagebeforeIdisappearbehindthecurtain.

*

Thesunsetawhileagobutit’snotdarkyet.We’vegotaboutanhourbeforethefireworksand

Jackson’sroundingupgirlsforthewetT-shirtcontest.Shellygrabsashirt.

“Whynot?”shesays.“I’vebeenprancingaroundhalfnakedallday.”Shepullstheskin-tightshirt

overherhead.“Youin?”

“Me?”Myskinfeelselectricandmymindfuzzy,whichdoesn’tseemright.I’vestucktomyno

drinkingpolicybuteverythinghasaglimmerysheen.AshinyJacksonholdsoutashirtandI’mtempted.
Theencouraginggrinonhisfaceisn’thelpingmyconfusion.ShellylooksprettysexyandIwonderifher
lipstastelikecandy.

“Zadie?”

Henry’svoicepullsmeaway.“Hi,”Isay,snakingmyarmsaroundhim.Imoveagainsthim,

wantingtodancetothemusicrushingthroughmyears.“Nofrowning,”Itellhim.“Idecidedtomake
somefriends.They’renice.”

“I’msuretheyare.”He’sfrowning,whichseemsridiculous.Idecidetoremoveitandgetonmytip

toes,pushingmytongueintohismouth.Ihearastrangesound.

“What’sthatnoise?”

“Whatnoise?”

“Itsoundedlikeacatorasquirrelorsomething.”

“Thatwasyou,”helaughs.

“Me?”That’sembarrassing.

“Babe,”hesays.“Ineedyoutocalmdown.”

Hisstatementmakesmeangry.Andsad.Andwhyisn’thetouchingmeanymore?MaybeIneedto

gethisattention.Orbetteryet,someoneelse’sattention.IbounceonmytoesandturntoJackson.“CanI
haveashirt?”

“Ofcourse,”hegrins.

IliftupmyarmsforhimtoplaceitonmyheadbutfindmyselfspinningaroundandfacingHenry.

HiseyesarecoldandhardandchallengingJackson.“Handsoff,man,”hesays,thengentlypullstheshirt
overmyhead.HesmoothesmyhairbackovermyearsandIfeelatremorrunacrossmyskin.“Zadie,I
thinkweneedtogo.”

“ButwepromisedTate,”Isay.

“Ithinkhe’llbeokaywithit.”

“WemadeadealandI’mstickingtoit.”

Hetugsonmyshirt.“Thiswasn’tpartofthedeal.”

“I’mhavingfunwithmynewfriends,”Iwhine.Shellygrinsandwinks.“It’snotabigdeal.”

Shellytossesanarmovermyshoulder.“Stopbeingadowner,Henry.Justgouptopandenjoythe

show.”

Inodandhethrowshishandsup.“Don’tblamemeforthis,”hesaysandwalksaway.

“Whatever,”Isay.

“Seriously,”Shellyagrees.“He’sjustmadtheotherguysaregoingtobeoglingandtalkingabout

youlater.”

“Whocareswhattheysay.”AgainI’mwatchinghermouthandherlipsarereallypink.“Ibetthey

tastedelicious.”

“What?”

“Yourlips.They’resopink.DotheytastelikeStarbursts?JollyRanchers?”I’msocurious.

Jacksoncallsournamesandshelinksherfingerswithmine.Wefileontothemake-shiftstageto

loudcheersandwhistles.Ifeelshort,sincemanyofthegirlsarewearingsandalsorheels,butI’m
barefootandthedeckfeelsroughundermyfeet.IsearchforHenrybutcan’tfindhiminthecrowd.Tate,
ontheotherhand,isperchedonthelifeguardchairandshoutsmyname.Iwaveandblowhimakiss.

Hepretendstocatchitandeveryoneyellslouder.

“Wanttoreallymakethemcrazy?”Shellywhispersinmyear.Herblondehairlookslikeahalo

andIreachouttotouchalongstrand.

“Yes.”AtthatmomentI’ddoanythingshe,oranyoneelse,askedmeto.

Shegrabsmebymyhipsandpullsmeclose.Herlipspressintomineandthey’resuppleand

yummy.Notcherry,butstrawberry.Thefeelingisweird,nonotweird,different?I’veonlykissedguys
before,andshe’stoosoftandnotquiteright.Notforme.Iheararushinginmyearsandbreakawayto
lookup.ColdwaterpoursdownmyfaceandIshutmyeyes.

“Theyloveit,”shelaughsthroughamouthfulofwater.Shegrabsmyboobs,coveredinthe

drenchedshirt.Mynippleshardenathertouchandthecoolchillfromthewater.I’moverwhelmedbythe
sensationsandliftmyarmsovermyhead,reachingforthesky.Everythingistoomuchbutnotenough.The
waterandroaringcrowd.Theflashinglightsinthedarkandthewaymyskinbuzzes.Shellybringsmein

foranotherkissandIcave,sinkingintoeverything.

ChapterFourteen

Therestofthenightpassesinablur.Henry’sconcernedface.Tate’sangryfists.Shelly’sconfused

eyes.FireworkssetthebackdropandIwatchthemburstintotheblackskyfromoverHenry’sshoulder.
Accusationsfly,withthewords‘dose’and’howmuch’.Henrykeepscheckingmyeyes.AllIknowis
they’reruiningmynightandIwantthemtostop.Iwanttodanceandhavesex.Iwanttostripoffthese
clothesandpulldownHenry’spants,buttheexpressionhewearsstopsme.

Decisionsaremadeandduringthegrandfinaleofagazillionfireworks,weleave.Heavybass

echoesagainstthehousesaswepasscelebrationsinthenight.Henry’sgotmeinhisarms,carryingme
becausemylegsstoppedworkingsomewherenearthebigGreeklettersintheyard.It’sokaywithme
though,becauseIcanseehisfacethisway.Hiseyesarestormy.Irunmyhanddownhisjaw.

“Youneedtoshave.”Heignoresme,butIdon’tcare.I’mfocusedonhoweverythingfeelssticky

andwet.Myskinprickleswhereitusedtofeelnice.

“Myvoicesoundsweird,”Isay,feelingmylipswithmyfingers.“Doesyours?”

“No,”hefinallysays.

“Itdoes.Butitalsosoundssexy.”

We’vereachedthecarandhedepositsmeinthefrontseat.“Don’tmove,”hesays.Iwait,frozenin

myseat,whilehegetsinthedriver’sside.HenrystrapsmeinwiththeseatbeltandIkisshisneckandtug
athisshirt,buthemovesmyhandsaway.

“Youdon’twantme?”Ipout.

Herollsdownthewindowaswedriveaway.Hisprettyfaceismarredbyheavycreasesonhis

forehead.Thetinylinesnearhiseyesarenowheretobefound.Thewindrushesinthecarandwhipsmy
hairandthelightsstreamby.Iforgetaboutsex.“Itfeelslikewe’reflying,”Isqueal,hangingmyheadout
thewindow.

*

“Whycan’twe?”

“You’retoowasted.”

“I’mnot.”

“Youare.”

“Ididn’tdrinkanything.”

Hishandsfindmyfaceinthedark.Oncewegotoutofhisflyingcarheluredmeintheshower,

wheresteamywaterwarmedmybones.MybikinihitthegroundwithasplatandItriedtogethiminwith
mebutheshookhisheadandkepthiseyesloweredtothefloor.HedressedmeinoneofhisT-shirts,the
blackonewithaspacemonkeyonthefront,andsomeflannelpants.Nowwe’repiledonblanketsinhis
roomandhe’sbeentryingtocalmmedownforwhatfeelslikehours.

“Youdidn’t,”heagrees.“Butsomeoneputsomethinginyourdrink,remember?”

Ithinkback.“Sortof.”

Hestrokesmyhairandit’sthewrongthing,ortherightone,andImovefastlikeacatoverhis

body.“Wecan’t.”

Ipressdown,hardmeetingsoft.“Youwantto.”

“Ialwayswantto,butno.”

“StoptryingtobeagentlemanandgivemewhatIwant.”Mylipsfindhismouthandhesurrenders,

atleastbrieflytoakiss.

“I’mnotbeingagentleman.I’mjusttryingreallyhardnottobeanasshole.”

HiswordsgetpastmylustandIpressmynosetohis.“You’reverysweet,HenryFletcher.”

“Itry,ZadieParker.”

“AmItoowastedtotellyouthatIloveyou?”

“Probably.”Ifeelhismouthturnintoasmile.“AreyoutoowastedformetotellyouthatIlove

you?”

Nosesstillconnected,Ishakemyheadslowlybackandforth.Iwhisper,“No.”

“Iloveyou,ZadieParker.Everycrazy,neurotic,adorablepartofyou.Ialwayshave.I’mpretty

sureIalwayswill.”

Irolltomysideandwrapmyarmsaroundhiswaist.Ilovehim,too.

*

IrecoveredfromtheEcstasy.Yes,X.I’dneverdoneitbeforeandtheeffectsrolledovermybody

likeafreighttrainofeuphoria.Goingupwasamazing.Comingdown,horrific.Henrysatbymyside,
massagingmymusclesandwatchingBuffywithmeallnight.

OnceIgainedsomecoherency,hetoldmethatheandTatesuspectedJacksonhaddosedmeand

Shellyearlierinthenight.WhilemyboyfriendkeptmeandShellyfrommakingoutonthestagein
drippingwetT-shirts,TatepunchedJacksonintheface.Jackson,bloodyandadamant,denieddoing
anything.Tatedidn’tbelievehimanddoveathim,bustinghisnoseandjaw.Iwantedtobemadat
Jackson,butthedrugwasstillcoursingthroughmyveins,sononeofitmatteredtomerightthen.Idid,
bizarrely,worryaboutmarringhisbeautifulface.

Now?I’mnotfeelingsogenerous.

“Whatshouldwedo?”IaskHenryafewdayslater.We’realoneundertheshelterduringabreak

whileTatechecksthechemicalsacrossthepool.Lisahasn’tbeenseensincetheFourth,butmaybeshe
servedherhusbandwithdivorcepaperslikeTatesaid.

“Doyouwanttopresscharges?”Henryasks.“Youcan.Ithappenedoncampus,soyoucangoto

thecampuspolice.I’mnotdefendingJackson,butthisdoesn’tseemlikehiskindofthing.He’sabitofa
fratdouche,butingeneral,he’sanokayguy.”

“Ishestilldenyingit?”Iask.

“Yeahandwedon’thaveanyproof.”

“Idon’tknowaboutpressingcharges.Thewholethingwasidiotic.It’snotlikeIgothurtor

anything.”

“Onlybecausewewerewatchingoutforyou.Andthat’snotreallythepoint,Pip.”

IneverthoughtHenryFletcherandTateChristensenwouldbemyguardianangels,butthey’d

provedthemselvesseveraltimesover.Ofcourse,Tatehasastreakofthedevilinhim.Maybehe’smore
likeafallenangelorsomething.

“Tatereportedittothefraternity,butthey’llkeepitlowprofileunlessyoureportitalso.”

“I’dratherforgetit.”

Henods,hisblueeyesholdingmine.“I’mokaywiththat.Exceptforonepart.”

“Onlyone,becausetherearesomanygems,”Igroan.“We’vegotthetrashybikini?Thegirl-on-

girlkissing?ThewayIrubbeduponyoulikeacatinheat.”

“Thosewereallfairlymemorable,butno.”

Irackmybraintryingtorememberthedetailsofthatnight.Nothingspecificcomestomind.“Ican’t

remember.”

“Youwill,”hesays,kissingmeontheforeheadandwalkingacrossthepooltogetinhischair.He

blowsthewhistleandallthekidshoveringontheedgeofthepooljumpin.

Tatepassesmeonthewaytooffice.“AnywordfromLisa?”Iask.

“Notreally.Iknowsheservedhimwithpapersandhewasprettyupset.Shetookthekidsandwent

tostaywithhersisterforawhile.”

“Wheredoesshelive?”

“Texas.”

“Oh.”

Hewalksoff,hisshouldersalittlemorehunchedthannormal.Hemissesher,whichisweird,butI

lookoveratHenryandthinkabouthowfallinginlovenevercomeswhenyouexpectit.

ChapterFifteen

“Didyougetyourconfirmationforclassregistration?”IaskHenry.We’vejustpulledintothe

parkinglotattheindoorpool.Cindycalledandaskedmetocomeinafterwork.

“Notyet,I’llcheckmyemailwhenwegetbackhome.”

‘Home’meanshisapartment,whichwe’vesomehownestedinoverthelastcoupleofweeks.The

partyontheFourthbondedus.UnlikeTyler,Henryisn’tscaredoffbymypublichumiliation.Ifanything,I
thinkhewantsmemore.So,hisbedhasbecomemybed.Mylaptophasbecomehisandsomewherein
betweenweshareanassortmentofsocks,T-shirtsandpillows.Myhairbandslitterhisdressertopandhe
boughtthekindoftoothpasteIlikeandleftitinthebathroom.TheonlydownsideisIhaven’tseenJosh
andTriciamuch,butsomethinghastogive,Iguess.

“Youcomingin?”

“Nah,I’llwait.ProbablyabetterideasinceCindydoesn’tknowaboutusyet.”Althoughthisis

true,Ihaveafeelinghisdesiretostayinthecarhasmoretodowithhisnewhabit.We’dmadean
agreementtostopsmokinganddrinkingaftertheparty.Hisaddictivepersonalitypickedupvideogames.I
futilelytrytowrite.Hiscurrentgameofchoiceissomethingaboutworldbuildingthathaszombiepigs.I
can’tevenpretendtobeinterested.

IleavetheairconditionedcarandstepintothelateJulyheat.It’ssweltering,andI’vestartedto

sweatbythetimeIreachthefrontdoor.ThelobbyisairconditionedbutIhavetoleavethatforthe
stiflingpooldeckbeforeImanagetocooldown.IspotCindyatherdesk.

“Hey,”Isay,enteringheroffice.

“Zadie.Thanksforcomingin.”

“Sure.”Isitinthechairacrossfromherdesk.“What’sgoingon?”

Shetapsherpenloudlyonthedesk.“Idon’treallyknowhowtosaythis,butIreceiveda

complaintaboutyourbehavioratwork.”

Afeelingofuneasesettlesinmystomach.“Acomplaint?Fromwho?”

“Itwasanonymous.Someonecalledinyesterdayandsaidthatyouwereofteninappropriatewith

theotherguards.”

“Inappropriatehow?”

“Overlyfriendly.Theysaiditseemedlikeitwaspossibleyouwereengaginginarelationshipwith

bothTateandHenry.Duringpoolhours.”

Ishakemyheadandlie.Well,halfway.“No.That’snottrue.”

“Theyalsosuggestedthatyoucametoworkonyourdaysoffandnotonlywereflirtywiththeguys

butalsowithsomeofthemalemembers.”

“What?”I’mfloored.Whowouldsaysuchathing?“Cindy,Ipromiseyou,noneofthatistrue.”

“Ithoughtitseemedridiculousaswell.Onmyvisitstothepooleverythinghasseemedfineand

therehavebeennoothercomplaints.Isaidasmuchtothecaller.”Sheglancesoverathercomputerand
typesonthekeyboard.“ThenIreceivedtheseinanemail.”

SheturnsthecomputerinmydirectionandInearlyjumpattheimageonthescreen.I’mstanding

overtheedgeofthepoolinabarelytherebikinitalkingtoLisa’shusband.It’sfromthedayJoshdaredme
tohookupwithHenryatwork.IfCindyhadbeenthereshewouldknowthatnothingwasgoingon
betweenEricandI,butthephoto,outofcontext,looksdamming.I’vegotmychestoutandmyhandson
myhips.I’mbentoversoIcouldhearhimbetteratthetime.Ipretendnottoseethepost-changingroom
flushonmycheeks.

“Whosentthis?”

“Idon’tknow.There’snorealnameontheaccount,”shesays.“Iassumeit’sfromthesameperson

thatcalled.Youhavetoadmit,Zadie,youlookalittleinappropriatehere.”

“Hewastheonetalkingtomeandtobehonest,hemademefeelalittleuncomfortable.”

“Howso?”

“Idon’tknow,”Isay.Iwanttoarguethathe’dthreatenedmebutthatopensawholeothercanof

wormsforme,HenryandTate.“Hejustmademefeelweird.Justthethingshesaid,butIdecidednotto
makeabigdealaboutit.”

Thetruthisgettingincreasinglymuddled,whileatthesametimeeverythingbecamecrystalclear.I

hadstartedtoformasuspicionthatEricwasbehindthisphonecall,andnowtheemailalso.He’d
mentionedturningmeintomybossthatday.“Butwhateverhethinkswasgoingon,it’snottrue.Ipromise
itwasnothing.ItwasmydayoffandItoldmyroommatewecouldgohangout.Thatguy,Eric,wasthe
onethatapproachedme.”

Cindyclosesthepageandturnsthecomputeraway.“I’mgoingtogiveyouthebenefitofthedoubt,

butIneedyoutobecareful.Wedon’thaveaco-workerdatingpolicybecausesomanyofyouguysare
studentsandI’mnotstupid.Idoexpectyoutoactprofessional.Ifanythingisgoingonbetweenanyofyou,
makesureit’snotatwork.Andnodatingmembers.There’sazerotoleranceonthat.”

Ifeelaflashofguiltyanger.GuiltbecauseI’mnotinnocentinallofthis.AngerbecauseI’mtheone

gettingcalledinhere,nottheguys,eventhoughthisisTate’sfault.I’mgettingtheheatbecausesomejack-
offhasdecidedtomesswithme.Ibitebackanyargumentsandnod.“I’mnotsurewhat’sgoingon,butit
won’thappenagain.”

Shegivesmeasympatheticgrin.“I’msureitwillbefine.You’reagoodworker,Zadie.It’sjustmy

responsibilitytobringthistypeofstuffup.”

“Iknow.Thanksforbeingunderstanding.”

ImakeitoutsidebeforeIstartcrying.Thehotairdriesthetearsbeforetheyevenmakeitdownmy

cheeks,whichisgoodbecauseIfeellikeanidiot.Keepingmyheaddown,Ihopinthepassengerseat.

Hestowshisphoneinthecupholderandlooksover.“Thatwasfast,”hesays,andthendoesa

doubletake.“What’swrong?What’sgoingon?”

AsurgeofanxietyswellsinmybodyandIcan’tspeak.Ican’tdoit.Henry’seyeswidenandhe

reachesout,takingmyhand.“Hey,takeadeepbreath,allright?”

Hebrushesmyhairovermyearsandhiseyesneverleavemyface.Ifocusoncatchingmybreath.

“Okay,”Isay,shakily.“Thatbastard,Eric,sentCindyaphotoofmetalkingtohimatthepool.I’m
standingthereinmybikinilookinglikeI’mhittingonhimorsomething.HealsosentanemailsayingI
wasbeinginappropriatewithyouandTateatthepool.”

Henryblinksonceandhisjawpullstight.“Hesentit?”

“Well,itwassentanonymously.Itwouldhavetobehim,right?Hethreatenedhe’ddothis.”

“Probably.”

Henrypullsoutoftheparkinglotandweheadtowardtheapartment.“Ihatethis.Ihatefeelingon

thedefensivelikethis.IhatedlyingtoCindy,butforsomereasonI’mstillcoveringforTate.”

“Youcanstopthatanytimeyouwant,”hesays.

“Iknow.It’sjustthatweonlyhaveacoupleweeksleftanyway.”

Wegetoutofthecar.Henrywaitsformeatthesidewalkandengulfsmeinahug.“It’sbullshit,

Zadie.Cindywascoolwithitsoyouneedtojustletitdrop.She’snotgoingtoshowthatphototoanyone
andlikeyousaid,we’vegotacoupleofweeksleft.It’snobigdeal.”

Itakeanotherdeep,settlingbreath.“You’reright.”

Weheadintheapartment.Nooneishomebutthetwoofus.Henrystopsmeathisdoorandkisses

me.“Wannamakeout?”

Ilaugh,becauseyeah,duh.“Letmecheckformyclassscheduleconfirmationemailfirst,okay?”

“Willyoucheckmine?”

“Yeah.”

Sittingathisdesk,Icheckmyemailandfindtheconfirmationletter.ThenIopenhisemailand

scrolldown.Therearen’tmanymessages,butIdoseetheUniversity’semail.“Allgood,”Isay.“You
wanttolookattheseothermessagesbeforeIshutdown?”

“Sure,yeah,bringitoverhere.”

Icarrythelaptopoverandsetitonthebed.Henryleansoverandclicksacoupleofbuttons.

“What’sthis?”hemutters.IlookupjustintimetoseeaTumblraccountopen.Thetitleatthetopsays,
“TitforTat.”Athinbannersatatthetopoftwoperky,tanboobsinablackandgoldmarijuanaleafbikini.

“OhGod.”

Hescrollsdown,bothofussilentotherthanthemouseandaphotoofmyselfpopsup.AphotoI’ve

neverseenbeforebutthatwasobviouslytakenatthepoolthissummer.I’minmyguardsuit,handsonmy
hips.

“Whatthehellisthat?”Iask.Sweatcoatsmypalms.

“Idon’tknow.”

Hecontinuesscrollingandtherearemoreandmorephotos.SomewithHenry.OtherswithTate.

Thepicturesareallfromfaraway,likepaparazzishots.Eachonehasmeinitbutthethemeisclear.I’ma
whore.Igetaround.It’snotjustTateandHenry.ShotsofmeandCharliehuggingatMotorheadandoneof
Joshtuggingplayfullyatmyshortsoutsidetheapartment.There’sevenacoupleofmetalkingtoJackson
—includingonefromtheFourthofJulythatlookslikewe’rekissing.

Onethingthatstandsoutisthatmyfaceisclearandvisible,whiletheguyshavebeenblockedout

withablackbarthroughtheeyesandtheword“victim”typedacross.Iknowwhoitisandsodoes
Henry.

“Iwasn’tkissinghim,”Isay,myvoicehighandpanicky.“Hewipedamosquitooffmycheek.”

Henrysqueezesmyleg.“Iknow,babe.Iwasthere.”

Hisreassurancedoesn’thelpandthenextimageisavideo.“Clickit,”Isay,feelingsicktomy

stomach.

“Youdon’thaveto,”hesays.

“Doit.”

Ibracemyselfasthevideoplays.It’sfromElton,whenIfelloffthebar.I’veseenitadozentimes

butHenryhasn’t.IcovermyfacewhenIfallassupinmydress.“Whenwasthis?”heasks.

“Elton.Lastyear.”

TheYouTubehistoryshowsthattherearemorevideosuploadedtothisaccountandIgrabthe

mouseandclickonthenextone.Thefamiliartuneof“IKissedaGirl”byKatyPerrystartsupandimages
ofmeandShellylip-lockedappear.We’rebothinwetbikinis,strainedprovocativelyacrossourchests.I
barelyrememberthemomentbutIlooklikeI’menjoyingit.InonephotoShellypalmsbothmybreasts,
fondlingthemandI’vegotashit-eatinggrinonmyface.“ItlookslikeafuckingGirlsGoneWildvideo.”

Henrysaysnothing.God,he’sstunnedsilent.

Imovethemouseandgobacktotheoriginalemail.“Ohshit,”Icry.“Whoeversentthissentitto

dozens,nohundreds,ofpeople.MaybetheentireGreeksystem.”

“Zadie,”Henrysays.“It’sokay.We’llreporttheaccountandgetitshutdown.”

IgobacktotheTumblrandscrolldown,grimacingattheimages.TheonesfromShelly’sInstagram

accountarethere.PhotosofmeandHenrysneakingoutofthechangingroomatthepool.Tate’sarm
aroundmywaist.Mekissinghischeek.Photoboothpictures,wheremyeyesaredilatedthesizeof
quarters.“Doyouseethesetags?”

“Turnitoff,Pip.”

““Whore.”“Slut.”“Lesbian.”“Hooker.”“Druggie.”Ohandthebestone,“ZadieParkerisa

HomeWrecker.”Whyisthisup?Whydidtheysendthisout?Whoisit?”IhopoffthebedandHenry
snatchesthecomputer.He’styping,Iassumereportingtheaccount,butIknowfromexperienceit’stoo
late.MyheartlodgesinmythroatandIcan’tbreathe.Icanonlyhearmypulseinmyearsandfeelmy

handssweating.IeyethedoorandHenrymustfinallynoticemyderangedstateandjumpsup,reachingfor
myarms.

“Thisiswhathappens,”Ichokeout.“This—thesethings—thisiswhathappenstomewhenI…”

“Whenyouwhat?”Hishandsforcemychinup,tryingtogetmetomakeeyecontact.Isquirmaway.

“WhenIpushoutsidemycomfortzone.WhenIdrink.WhenIsmoke.Idostupidshitandpeople

useitagainstme.”

“Zadie,thatdoesn’tevenmakesense.Ericseemsprettypsycho;thisisn’taboutyou,it’sabout

him.”

“Nooneknowsthatthough!”Ishout.“Alltheywillseeissomestupid,sluttygirl.”

“We’llfigureoutawaytogetthisoffline.AndmakeEricpay.He’lltakeresponsibility.”

“Henry,I’mtheonewho’sresponsibleforthis.Me.Ididthis.”

HereachesoutbutIjerkback.“Zadieyouaren’tevendoinganythinginthosephotos.You’re

workingandhangingout.You’rekissingme.Iknowthatothershitmeansnothing.Iwasthere.Itmeans
nothing.”

“Itmeanssomethingtome,”Isay.“ItmeansthatonceagainIletdownmyguardandgotexposed.It

meansthateveryonethinksI’madrunkandadruggie.WhichGod,maybeIam.

“You’renot.”

“ItmeansI’velostmyanonymity.Again.Andthisoneisgoingtofollowme,Henry.IthoughtI’d

cleanedupthatlastonetoo,thatvideofromElton,butthereitis.”Hemakesanotherattempttocomenear
mebutIdon’twantanyonetouchingmerightnow.“I’mgoingupstairs.”

“I’llcomewithyou.”

Ishakemyhead.“Ineedalittletimealone,okay?It’salotof,”Isearchfortherightword.

“Exposure.It’stoomuchexposureandIneedaminutetoprocessitall.”

IgrabmybagandfranticallypickupacoupleofthingsI’vestrewnaroundtheroom.Henryblocks

meatthedoorandforcesmeintohisarms.“RememberwhenItoldyouonlyonethingmatteredtome
aboutthatnight?”

Ifightbacktearsandnod.“Yes.”

“Iloveyou.Andyouloveme.Andthat’sallIgiveafuckabout,okay?”

Helocksmyeyeswithhisandit’sastruggletogetaway,butIneedto.Ineedtolockmyselfinmy

roomandsortallthisout.Ilowermyeyesandpushhimaside,boltingoutoftheapartmentbeforeIfall
apart.

*

Cindydoesn’tquestionmewhenIcallinsick.Icanonlyassumeshegotthesecondemail.Atleast

shedoesn’tfireme.IexplainthatIhavethefluorsomethingandthatitcouldbedaysuntilIcomeback.
Shesoundsrelieved.

JoshandTriciawereinthelivingroomwhenIgothomewatchingoneoftheirshows.Onelook

andIknewthey’dseentheemail.

“Areyouokay?”Joshasks,tentatively,likeheknowsifhepushesmeImaybreak.Heknowsme

well.

“Notreally.”

“Wanttotalkaboutit?”heasks.

“What’stheretosay?Ilooklikeafuckingidiot.Whoeversentitmadesureeveryoneknewthat.”

“It’snotthatbad,”Triciasays.

“Really?It’snot?Letmeknowthenexttimesomeonetriestofuckwithyourlife,okay?”

IleavethemtotheirstupidshowaboutghostsorBigfootorwhateverandcollapseinmybed.I

spendtheafternoonandeveningholedupinmyroom,obsessivelycheckingsocialmediaforanything
aboutme.

Joshcomesinwithoutinvitationatsomepointbearingcandy.Hestopsshortwhenheseesme

hunchedoverthelaptop.“Whatareyoudoing?”

“Nothing.”

Hemovescloser.“Stepawayfromthecomputer,Zadie.”

“I’vegotten73friendrequestsonFacebookthisafternoon.”

“Shutitdown.Closeyouraccount.”

“What,anddeprivepeopleofthefreakshow?”

Hewrenchesthelaptopoutofmyhands.“Youneedtodeleteyouraccountsandstopdigging

aroundfortrouble.”

Ican’tadmitI’maddictedtocheckingandseeingwhatpeoplearesayingaboutme.Heknowsit

anywayandwalksout,leavingmeabagofchocolateandnocomputer.

ThenextdayImadeashortlistofplacesIcouldmoveto.I’dhavetobailonschoolforthefall.

MaybeIshouldgooverseas,backpackthroughEurope.I’dcheckforpricesbutJoshhasn’treturnedmy
laptopyet.

“I’mmeetingsomefriendsforpizza,youwanttocome?”

IglanceupandseeTriciainthedoor.It’sthefirsttimeshe’sspokentomesinceIholedup.“No.”

“You’rejustgoingtosithereandmopeallnight.”

Irefusetolookup.“Yes.”

“Forhowlong?Howlongisthisgoingtolast?Anotherweek?Doyouplanontransferringtoa

differentschool?Runninghome?”

Busted.Still,Irefusetotakeherbait.“Where’sJosh?”

“Why?Soyoucangethimtosaveyouagain?Fixallyourissues?OristhatHenry’sjobnow?”

Isitupandglareather.“What’syourproblem?”

“Myproblemisthatyou’vereallyturnedintoaself-absorbeddramaqueen.”

“That’snotfair!Yousawthewebsite.”

“Sowhat?Youlooklikeastupidcollegegirlhavingfun.Noonecares,Zadie.Exceptyou,because

youthinkeverythingisaboutyou,allthetime.”

Angerboilsundermyskin.Andhurt.“Whatthehell,Tricia?Thatwholewebsitewasaboutme.It’s

notlikeI’mmakingthisup.Hesentittothewholeschool!”

Shecrossesherarmsoverherchest.“Iknow.AndI’msorrythathappenedtoyou,butit’snotthe

endoftheworld,youknow?ExceptIthinkyouwantittobe.Ithinkthateversincehighschoolyou’ve
managedtotakenormaleventsandturnthemintosomethingtragic.Youneedtolightenupandletitgo.”

“Easyforyoutosay.Noonecareswhatyou’vebeendoing,”Isayharshly.

Sherecoilsbackfrommywords.“Wow.Areyouserious?”

“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat.”

“Likewhat?ThatIdon’tmatter?Thatnoonemattersbutyouandthelittlecircleyou’vebeen

runningin?”

“Ofcourseyoumatter.”

“DoI?DoyouevenknowthatI’mdatingsomeone?Seriouslydatingthem?DidyouknowJoshand

Daveybrokeup?”

“Theydid?”Iask,tryingtorememberthelasttimewe’dhungout.I’dskippedthelastcoupleof

ThursdayMotorheadnightstobewithHenryinstead.

Shethrowsherhandsintheair.“Letmeknowwhenyou’rereadytodealwithlifeagain,okay?”

shesaysandwalksoff.

Tricia’swordscutlikeaknife,deepandpainful.Theworstpartisthatmaybeshe’sright.

ChapterSixteen

Afterourfight,orwhateverhappenedbetweenTriciaandI,westeerclearofoneanother.Viatext,

Henrymakesitclearhe’sgivingmetime,butonlysomuch.Hedoesmanagetoclosetheaccountson
TumblrandYouTubeandtheleadershipintheGreeksystemhasbannedanyfurtherdistributionofthe
photos.Ifeelbetter,butonlyalittlebit.

Oncesomethinghitstheinternetit’soutthereforever.

IrealizehowmuchIloveHenry’sperseverance.Ilovethathelovesme.Butthenaggingfeelingin

mystomachandchestmakemeskepticalthathe’supforit.ThestuffTriciasaidmakesmewonderif
she’sright,amIjustusingdifferentpeopletosavemyass.Tylercouldn’thandlemypost-Elton
depression,hedidn’trescueme,sowhatdidIdo?Iran.

“Hey,girl,”Joshsaysthroughmycloseddoor.I’minmypajamasandhaven’tshoweredinfour

days.AtthispointIcan’tdecidewhathurtsworse.ThefalloutwithTriciaortheotherstuff.

“Hey,”Icallback.

Hecracksopenthedoor.“How’sitgoing?”

“Okay,Iguess.”Iwavehimin.“IheardaboutyouandDavey.I’msorry.”

“Eh,”heshrugs.“Justafling,Iguess.Itwasfunwhileitlasted.”

“Ishouldhavebeenaroundthough,foryouandTricia.Igotkindofcaughtupineverythingthis

summer.”

“That’swhatsummerandcollegeisabout.Loveandsex,doingstupidshit.”

“MakingoutwithgirlsinatawdrywetT-shirtcontest.”

Hesmilesbig.“Totally.Hopefullyintheendwe’llfindourselves.Worstcase?Wegrowup.”

“Growingupsucks.”

“Youknow,thisremindsmeofthatsummerinhighschoolafterjunioryearwhenwewatchedall

elevenseasonsofBeverlyHills90210.RememberhowDylanandBrendaweredatingandthenher
parentsmadehertogoParisforthesummerwithDonna,andDylanandherBFFKellyhookedupinthe
swimmingpoolwhileshewasgone?Rememberthat?”

“Vividly.”

“EveryonehatedBrendaforbeingpissedandreallyKellywasthewhorewhostoleherboyfriend,

whichwhocouldblameher.LukePerrywashotbackthen.”

“StupidKelly.”Ishakemyfistinmockanger.“IthinkI’mmissingthepointofrelevancyhere.”

“Okay,it’snotreallyrelevantIjustwantedtotalkaboutit.”

Ihithimwithmypillow.“You’resuchagoof.”

“Ahandsomegoof,”hesays,catchinghisreflectioninthemirror.Hetoyswithhishair.

“Definitely.Areyousureyouaren’tmadatme?Triciaseemsmad.”

“Ohyeah,Triciaistotallymad.You’regoingtohavetofixthat.”

“Icantry.”

“Ofcourseyoucan.Now,there’sasadboysittingonthefutonandIcan’tgethimtoleave.Canhe

comein?”

Iplopbackonmypillowandgroan,pullingthecoversovermyhead.

“He’sadorableandhe’sbeenreallypatient.Normally,post-breakup,Iwouldsaythatboyssuck,

buthedoesn’t.Hemaybethebestthingeverso,I’mlettinghiminregardlessofwhatyousay.”

“Wait!What?”Ipanic.“Traitor!”MyvanitymaybewhyI’mbeingdramaticbutherollshiseyes

andwalksoff,leavingmydoorwideopen.Iswipeatmygreasyhair,irritatedthatheshoweduplikethis,
butmyheartbetraysmebykick-startingforthefirsttimeindays.Thatis,untilIseegreeneyesinsteadof
blueanditsputterstoastop.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”IaskTate.He’shulkinginmydoorwaylookingconcerned.

“Icametoseeyou.”

“I’malive.I’mgood.Just,youknow,takingsomepersonaltime.”Iflashhimafakesmilehopingit

willdothetrickandhe’llleave.Insteadheenterstheroomandsitsdown.Crap.

“Youwouldn’ttakemycalls.”

“Therewasn’tanythingtosay.”

“IwouldhavesaidIwassorry.Youcouldhavesaidyouwerepissed.Wecouldhavehashedit

out.”

Icrossmyarmsovermychest.“Fine.Let’stalkaboutit.”HeshiftsalittleandInoticethebruising

onthesideofhischeekandunderhiseye.“Whatthehellhappenedtoyourface?”

Herubsthebruise,wincingatthetenderness.“Oh,IkickedEric’sass.”

“Youwhat?”Isitupinthebed.“Holycrap!Whathappened?”

“Iwenttohishousetotalkandthingsescalatedprettyfast.Theneighborscalledthecopsandwe

bothgotarrested.”Heshrugslikethisisnobigdeal.

“Um,arrested?Areyoukiddingme?”

“Dudehashaditcomingforalongtime.AllthecrapheputLisathroughandthenthoseemailshe

sentoutaboutyou.Heneededtolearnalessonaboutrespectingwomen.”

IstareatTateforaminutetryingtofigureoutifIshouldexplainwhat“respectingwomen”really

means,butI’msooverwhelmedbyhisgesturethatIgivehimahuginstead.

“You’resuchanidiot,”Itellhim.“Yousleptwithhiswife,Tate.Hehadareasontocomeafter

you.”

“Yeah,buthedidn’thaveareasontocomeafteryou.”

Myheartturnstomush.“DoesHenryknowyoudidthis?”

“Ohyeah,hebailedmeout.Well,hecalledmyparentsandhadthembailmeout,butyeah,he

knows.”

“Thisissuchamess.”

Heshakeshishead.“No,it’snot.Ericisadouche.Yougotcaughtupinhispsychobehavior.None

ofthatwasaboutyou.ItwasallaboutmeandLisa.Headmittedthathewantedtohurtsomeonecloseto
me,sohepickedyou.That’swhenIpunchedhimintheface.”

“That’ssortofawesomeofyou.”

“Ithinkso,”hegrins.Hebendshisarmandflexeshisbiceps.“Gottausethesegunsforsomething.”

“Thankyouforstickingupforme.”

Iwrapmyarmsaroundhiswaist.“Thankyouforbeingagoodfriend,evenwhenIdidn’tdeserve

it.”Tate’schestheavesupanddownandhesays,“Lisa’spregnant.”

Idropmyarmsandstareathim.Hedoesn’tlookaspanickedasIdo.“Isityours?”

“Shesaysit’snot,thatithappenedwhentheywereonfamilyvacation.”Icansee,admittingthat

shewasstillhavingsexwithherhusbandishardforhim.It’salsoobvioushe’salittlesadthebabymay
notbehis.Damn.Tate’samessforthiswoman.“Butwe’llhavetoseewhenthebabygetshere.”

“Sowow,youmaybeadad.”

“Yep.”

“Butyoumaynotbe.”

“Maybe.”

“Sowhatdoyoudoaboutthat?”

“Waititout.Finishmysenioryear,getajob.”

“Areyougoingtokeepseeingher?Aretheystillgettingadivorce?”

“I’mgoingtobackoffalittlebitandletthemfigurethatout.”

“I’msorry,”Isay,leaningintohimagain.WesittogetherandIbreatheinhisclean,warmscent.I

realizeJoshmayberight.Collegeisaboutfiguringitallout,havingfunandmakingmistakes.I’vedone
allthree,butitmaybetimetogrowup.

*

BolsteredbymyconversationwithJoshandTate,Ifinallytakeashower.Iwashmyhairandshave

mylegs.OnceItossoncleanclothes,Itrulyfeellikeanewperson.

“OhthankGod,”JoshsaysasIpassbyhimonthewaytothedoor.“IthoughtIwasgoingtohaveto

getoutthehoseandsprayyoudownwithbleach.”

Ifliphimoff.

Downstairs,Charlieopensthedoorandacloudofsmokepoursout.Heliftsapurplebonginmy

direction.“Hey,Zadie.Wannasmoke?”

“Nothanks.”IpeekaroundhimtoseeifHenry’sintheroom.He’snot.“IsHenryhere?”

“He’sinhisroom,goonback.”

Ipasstheothersonthecouch.SydandanotherguytheyplayFrisbeewith.Istickmyheadin

Henry’sdoorsinceit’snotfullyclosed.He’slyingonhisbedplayingwithhisphone.“Hi,”Isaywhenhe
doesn’tnoticeme.

HisfacelightsupandI’moverwhelmedwithhowhappyIamtoseehim.Beforehehasachanceto

respondIrushthebed,barelystoppingtokickoffmyshoesbeforeclimbingintohisarms.

“I’vemissedyou.”

“I’vemissedyou,too,”Isay.

“Yousmellclean,”hesays,pressinghisnoseinmyhair.

“Youshouldhaveseenmethirtyminutesago.”Irestmyheadonhischest,myearpressedagainst

hiswarmbody.“Thelastcoupleofdayshavebeenreallyhard.”

“You’retough,Zadie.”

“DidTatereallyfightEric?”

Hischestvibrateswithlaughter.“Itwasepic.Ican’tbelieveyoumissedit.”

“IthinkI’mokaywithmissingthat,eventhoughI’mgladhedidit,”Isay.“HetoldmeaboutLisa,

too.”

“Thebaby?”

“Yeah.Idon’tknowhowhe’sgoingtohandleallofit.”

“Meneither,buthe’salsotough.We’reagroupoftoughkids.Wecantakewhatevercomesour

way.”He’skidding,butthere’struthinhiswords.Growingupsucks.Heslipshisfingersthroughmine.
“Howareyou?”

“Okay,Iguess.Tricia’spissedatme.JoshmademelaughandsomehowTateismyknightin

shiningarmor.”

“Hey!Whataboutme?”

“You?You’rejusttheguyIsleepwith,who’sreally,reallycute.”

“Icanacceptthatrole.”

“IthinkI’vejustgottofigureouthowtonavigatelifebetter.Mynormalseemstobesortofone

trainwreckaftertheother.”

“You’reridiculous,youknow.”Henryleansoverandkissesme.Hisfingersmovetothewaistof

myshortsandhiswarmfingersagainstmyskinfeelwonderful.“You’retoohardonyourself.”

“TriciathinksI’madramaqueen.”

Henods,kissingmyneckandchest.“Maybealittle.”

Henrymovesdowntomystomachandliftsmyshirt,hisotherhandstillonmyshorts.He’smoving

alittlefast—evenforHenry.“Hey!”

“Calmdown,I’mlookingforsomething.”

“Downmypants?”

“Yep.”Iwiggleaway,butheuseshisstrengthtogentlyholdmedown.“Bestill.”Idowhathe

asksbecauseit’sbeendayssincehe’stouchedmeandhishandsfeelsogood.

Hehooksafingerintheelasticwaistbandofmypantiesandtugsthemdown,revealingmytattoo.

MyheadisagainsthispillowandIfeelhislipspressagainstthesensitiveskin.Mywantanddesirefor
Henryoverridethedepressionofthelastfewdays.Whoknewoneexpertlyplacedkisscouldelicitsuch
emotion?

Ipushmyfingersintohishairandhelooksup.“You’vegottoownit,babe.”

“Ownwhat?”

“Allofthis.Whoyouare.You’reahotmessandyoudocrazystuff.Yeah,youmaygetalittlehigh

fromthedramaofitallandthenhavemassiveremorse,butit’snobigdeal.You’vegottoownitandlive
bythewords.”

Hesoundslikehe’sstonedbutIknowhe’snot.He’sjustHenry.Loving,creative,neverregretful

Henry.“Idon’tknowifIcan.”

“Youalreadyare,justkeepdoingit.”

Isighandlookattheceiling.PartofthereasonIkepthimawaywasbecauseIknewhe’dtalkme

outofbedbeforeIwasready,orworse,outofmypants.Sureenough,he’dmanagedtogetmeoutof
both.“Whatfirst?”

“First,youmakeupwithTricia.She’syourbestfriend.”

“Check.”

“Next,”hereachestotheendofthebed,halfwayfallingofftheedge.Heemergeswithacardboard

box.“Youtakethis.”

“Whatisit?”

“Openit.”

There’snothingspecialaboutthebox.Simplecardboard,withagoldsealonthetop.Iliftthelid

andfindavarietyofnotepadsandjournals.Packsofcoloredpensandpencilslinethebottom.“Whatare
thesefor?”

“Yourwriting.”

Thedepressionrollsbackovermelikeawave.“Yeah,aboutthat.I’malittleblockedlately.”

“Iknow.”

“Youdo?”

“YouneedtogetcreativeandIthinkmaybethewaytomovepastallthisstuffisn’ttoreallymove

pastit.Diveintoit.Feedoffthepainandembarrassment.”

“Youwantmetowriteaboutit?”

“Whynot?It’ssociallyrelevant.It’sreal.Useallthatenergyforgoodinsteadoftearingyourself

down.”

TearsforminmyeyesandIfightthemoff,feelingstupid.“Sincewhendidyougetsoperceptive?”

“SinceIdecidednottoloseyouasecondtime.”Hell,withlineslikethatmaybeHenryistheone

thatshouldbethewriter.“Plus,Imissyourwriting.IkindofneedapoemtoreplaceFuckYou,Henry
Fletcher.”

“That’saclassic,though.”

“Isn’tit?”helaughs.

Hepushesmebackonthebedandwrapshisarmsaroundme.Iturnsowe’refacing,whereIcan

seehiseyes.“I’vebeenworkingonsomething.Mostlyinmyhead,wanttohearit?”

“Obviously.”

“It’ssimilar,Ijustchangethefuckyou,toan‘Iloveyou’.”

Thecrinklesaroundhiseyesappear.“Ithasaniceringtoit.”

“Iloveyou,HenryFletcher.”

“Iknow.”

ChapterSeventeen

Iusemyheeltolowerthekickstandonmybike.It’sdark,butthedimlightingfrominsidethebar

makesiteasytosee.Isearchthroughthewindowformyroommates.Tricia’sredhairflameslikea
beacon.Theyleftmeathomeinfrontofthecouch,notebookproppedonmyknees.I’vetakenHenry’s
wordstoheart.I’mtryingatleast.Hesparkedafeverofwritingandthewordsarecomingout,finally,but
Ihaven’tventuredfurtherthanhisapartment.

Acrappybar?Icandothis.

Icantotallydothis.

Myfingersfalteronthedoor,butacouplepeoplepushinbehindme,soIplungeintothelight.

SeveralpeopleatthebarlookupwhenIwalkinandunlessI’mcompletelyparanoid,atleastthree
recognizeme.Ugh.IbolttothetableandTricia’seyebrowrisesinsurprise.

“Moveover,”IsaytoJosh,basicallysittingontopofhim.

“Lookwhocameoutofhercave,”hesays,throwinganarmaroundmyshoulder.Iglancenervously

acrosstheboothtoseewhatsortofmoodmybestfriendisin,butIstopshortwhenIseeanadorably
handsomeguysittingnexttoher.Hehashisownhalfemptyfishbowlmargaritainfrontofhim.

“Hi,”Isay.“I’mZadie.”

“ThisisRyan,myboyfriend,”Triciasays.There’sanunmistakableglimmerofhappinessinher

eyes.Youknow,undertheangeranddaggersshe’sthrowingmyway.

“It’snicetofinallymeetyou,”hesays,adjustinghisblack-framedglasses.So.Adorable.

“Youtoo.”

I’mtryingtokeepmyexpressionnormalbutinternallyI’mfreakingout.Inanefforttogetthis

apologymoving,IreachoutandpinchJoshintheleg.Hereactsbystompingonmyfoot.“Mother
fuuudge,”hegroans.“Whatthehell,Zadie?”

“Wanttogetmeadrink?”

HelookslikehewantstopourhisdrinkovermyheadbuthefinallygetsthatIwanttotalktoTricia

alone.“Comeon,Ryan,let’sgogetarefillandanewglassforPrincessZadie.Shelookslikeshecould
useadrink.”

Wewatchtheboyswalkoff.“Wow,he’ssupercute,”Isayoncethey’reoutofearshot.“Sothings

aregoingwellbetweenyoutwo?”

“Verywell,”shesaysstiffly.

“Good,becauseheseemsgreatandI’mhappyforyou.Forreal.I’msorryImessedthingsupwith

us.Ineverwantedtodothat.IknewyouwereseeingsomeonebutyouwerereallyquietaboutitsoI
didn’tpush.”Shesnortsandshakesherhead.“FineandIwasterriblydistractedbymyownlife.I’ma
jerk.”

“Ahugejerk.”

“Thebiggest,”Iagree.“IwantyoutoknowIheardwhatyousaidtheothernight.I’vegottoget

pastallthisstuff.It’sstupidandit’snottheendoftheworld.It’sthesestupidanxietyattacks,though.Ever
sinceElton,thingshavegottenoutofcontrol.Ifeelcompletelyoutofcontrol.”

“Thentakecontrolback.”

“That’swhatHenrysays,too.HesaysIneedtoownit.”

“He’sright.RememberwhenHenryditchedyouforthepromandyouaskedCartertogo?”

“Yes,obviously.”

“Well,youtookcontrolofthatsituation.Thingschangedforyouafterthat.”

“Butwasitreallybetterforme?PeoplethoughtIwassluttyandIlostyearsIcouldhavespentwith

Henry.Idon’tthinkthatwasthebestsolution.”

“Really?BecauseIdo.YoupushedyourselfanditgaveyouthecouragetotryElton.Tohavea

boyfriendandgivethingswithyouandHenrysometime.Doyouthinkyou’dstillbewithhimifyou’d
gonetopromwithhimallthoseyearsago?”Iwantedtothinkwecouldhavemadeit,butitwasdoubtful.
“Ijustwantmyoldfriendback.Theonewhowasn’tself-centeredandscaredallthetime.”

Ilookoveratthebar.JoshandRyanaresittingnexttooneanothertalkingbutseveraloftheguys

andatleastacouplegirlskeepglancingmyway.“Peoplearetalkingaboutmerightnow.”

“Whocares?It’snotlikeyoumurderedsomeone.Don’tletthemwin.Anddon’tletyour

insecuritiesdestroyanotherrelationship.LikeyouandTyler.”

Thedooropensandacoupleofguyswalkin.IseeCharlie’sheadaboveeveryoneelse’sandI

searchforHenry.Ididn’tknowhewascomingbutI’mnotsurprised.HeknewIneededtofixthingswith
Triciaandthatitwaspossibleitwouldgobadly.Ispothimbehindtheothersandheflashesmeasmile
andpointstothebar.

“I’mnotgoingtoscrewthisupagain.Ilovehim,”Isay.“Ohandjustsoyouknow,thattalkwas

waybetterthantheoneJoshgaveme.Hestartedramblingonabout90210.”

Shegigglesandplayfullyrollshereyes.“BrendaandKelly,right?It’shisfavoritetopic.”

“He’llnevergetoverit.”

“Never.”

We’reinterruptedbyabartenderholdingafishbowlwithtwostraws.He’srockingathickbeard

anddreadlocksthreatentospilloutofhishat.“WhichoneofyouisZadie?”

ThisguymustnothaveInternet.

Triciapointstome.Heplacesthedrinkonthetable.Isearchthebarwheretheboysareallbusy

talkingaboutsomethingonthetelevisionovertheirheads.“DidJoshsendthis?”Iask.

“Someguysoverthere.”Hejerkshisthumbtoatableacrossthebar.Threeknuckleheadswaveand

raisetheireyebrowssuggestively.Whatthehell?

“Yeah,nothanks,”Isay,feelingmyfaceturnred.

“Yousure?It’spaidfor.”Ishakemyheadandheturnsaway.

“Wait,”Triciasays.Hestops,grimacingwhentheoverflowingdrinksloshesoutoftheglass.“I

thinkyoushouldgogiveittothatguyoverthere.Theonewiththestockingcaponeventhoughit’sten
milliondegreesoutside.”ShepointstoHenry.“Hedeservesafreedrink.”

Inod.“Hereallydoes.”

Thebeardybartendersmiles.“Yougotit.”

Henryacceptsthedrinkandraisesitinmydirectioninamocktoast.Iblowhimakissinreturn.

“See?”Triciasays.“Thisissomuchbetterthanrunningaway.”

“Maybe,buttheylookalittlepissed.”Igesturetotheguyswhoboughtthedrink.

“That’stheirfault,”shesays.“Comeon,let’sgoseewhathappenedtoourrealdrinks.”

Weslideoutoftheboothandcrossthecrowdedbarfloor.Henrysmileswhenheseesme.Ilean

intohimandfeelhisarmsnakesaroundmywaist.“Thanksforthedrink.”

“Well,youcanthankthosedouchesoverthere.Theyboughtit.”

“ForZadie,”Triciaadds,wrappingherarmaroundRyanShetakesasipfromhisdrink.

“Guesstheywerehopingforanothershow,”Ispeculate.

Henry’seyesflashandIfeelhisbodytense.“Nofighting.I’mgood.”

Helooksdownatme.“Yousure?”

“Verysure,”Isayandgivehimakiss.Hislipstastelikesaltandlime.Ilinkmyhandsbehindhis

neckpullhimtome.Whispering,“YouknowtheoldZadiewouldhavesuggestedwemakeoutrighthere
tomakethemjealous.”

Hetiltshisheadininterest.“That’sagreatidea.”

Ishakemyhead.“No,it’snot.Okay,fineitisagreatideabutwe’renotplayingthatgame

anymore.”

“Well,youwon’tletmekicktheirassesandwecan’thavepublicrevengesexsoI’mnotsurethis

newgameisanyfun.”HesighsandlooksatTricia.“Iguessyouwon’tmakeoutwithTriciaeitherthen.”

Ipinchhisarmandtwist.“No.Pervert.”

“Justchecking.”

Henrygivesmeasipofhisdrink,butItakeiteasy,wantingforthistowork.Confidentand

controlled.Funbutsafe.It’snotrocketscience,butforsomereasonitdoesn’tcomeeasilytome.

*

“Willyoucometoworkwithmetomorrow?It’sthelastday,”heasks.Westayedatthebaruntil

closingandthestreetsaredarkandquiet.Everyoneelsepassesusonthesidewalkwhileheunlocksmy
bicycle.Henrypushesittowardhomewithonehandwhileholdingminewiththeother.

“Closingday?”

“Yep.”

“Onlyifyoubuymedoughnutsandsodaandsnacksontheway.”

“Deal.”

Wewalkhomeslowly,laughingatourfriendsbeingstupiddownthestreet.Thenightiswarmand

nottoomuggyforonce,ahintoffallcominginthefuture.TriciajumpsonRyan’sback,whileCharlieand
Joshtalkquietlyonthesidewalk.IglanceatHenry,takingnoteofthecrinklesnearhiseyes,athis
forearmmusclesonthehandlebars.He’sperfect.Thenight’sperfectandthepiecesofthesummersplit
likeajigsawpuzzle,fragmentsofideasthatbegintoclicktogether,tinypartsofastorybuildinginmy
mind.

ChapterEighteen

ThefinaldayisabitmorewistfulthanIimagined.Sayinggoodbyetothefamiliesandkids.Henry

andIlockthegatesandtidyupforthefinaltime.It’shardtothinkthatsummerisalmostoversinceit
feelslikeanyotherday,includingthefactTateditchedusanhourearliertopickLisaupattheairport,
leavingthecleanuptous.

Yeah,that’sstillgoingon.Evenwiththebabythatmaynotbehisbaby.

“Iknewhewouldn’tbeabletostopseeingher.”Ihangtheskimmernetagainstthemetalhookson

thewall.

“Helovesher.Inhisowncrazy,bad-decisionkindofway.”Heshakeshishead.“Speakingofbad

decisions,didTriciahookyouupwiththatprosecutor?”

“Yeah,thismorning.IthinkIhaveacaseagainstEricforlibel.I’mgoingtomeetwithhim

tomorrowathisoffice.Heseemstothinkwemayhaveacoupleofoptions.Lisa’slawyercalledmetoo.I
haveafeelingsheandEricaren’tgoingtogetbacktogether.”

“Good.”EvenintheshadowsIcanseehe’sfightingsomeresidualangeroverthiswholething.

NearthedivingboardHenrylinkshisfingerswithmine.Wewalkaroundtheedgeofthepool,

pickingupthelastbitsoftrash.“So,wehavethenexttwoweeksoffworkbeforefallsemesterstarts.”

“Wedo.”

“Ithoughtmaybewecouldtakeatrip.Likegetinthecaranddrive.”

“Aroadtrip?LikeKerouac?”

“OrThompson.”

“OrKesey.”

HenodsandIsmile.Thesadnessofleavingthesummerbehinddisappearswiththeexcitementthat

we’vegotsomuchmoretodotogether.Aroadtripsoundsexciting.Maybeevenalittleromantic.“Let’s
doit,”Isay.“WecangotoGraceland.”

“Orthedesert.”

“Maybethemountains.Realones.”

Westorealltheropesandcleaningmaterials,thechemicalsandstackedthechairs.Wetalkabout

thetripandwhatweneedtodotoleaveintwodays.Notmuch,Henrythinks.Hewantsittobe
spontaneous.

Ilovehimsomuch.

It’sdarkbythetimewefinish.Thepoolglowsbluefromtheunderwaterlights.It’salittleweird,

seeingtheplacesosterile.Nokidsorinnertubesinthepool.Nosodacansorpopsiclestickstopickup.
Nowit’sjustmeandHenrysittingontopofapicnictableundertheshelterinthewarmeveningheat.
He’stryinghishardesttoconvincemetohavesexwithhim.Here.Now.

“Comeon,”hesays,turningthemaximumpowerofhiseyesonme.

“Weagreed;nomoreriskybehavior.”

“Idon’tthinkIagreedtothat.AndIdon’tthinkthisreallycountsasrisky.”

MentallyI’mwavering.Thedoor’slocked.It’sdarkandEric’sinbigtrouble.He’sright.It’snot

thatrisky.

“Youcoulduseitinyourbook,”hesuggestssincerely.

“HowcouldIuseitinmybook?”

“Eh,makeitaneroticbookorsomethingwherethetwomaincharactershavesexallthetime.Once

theycandoitafterclosingatthepool.Thinkofitasresearch.”

“You’recrazy.”

“Crazyaboutyou.”

Ipunchhimplayfully.Hecatchesmywristandthatfeelingofheatrisesbetweenus.Therawness

thatfallstothepitofmystomach.HishairhangsinhiseyesandIusemyfreehandtopushitback.
ElectricitysparksbetweenusandIrestrainmyselfasHenrymovesfromhisseatsohe’skneelingonthe
bench.Ireachforhisneckandchin.Iwanttokisshim,desperately,anddo.

KissingHenrymaybemyfavoritethingtodo,especiallyaftergoingdayswithoutit—withouthim.

He’ssaltyfromthesun,tastingandsmellinglikesummer.Ilethimliftmyshirtandhetossesitonthe
patio.Iwatchimpatientlyasheyankshisfrombehindhisneckandoverhishead.Myhandsareonhis
chestbeforehe’shalfwaydone.

Heleansovermeandsays,“Isthisagainsttherules?”

“Probably,”Ilaugh.“Idon’tcare.”Imeanit.Ireallydon’tcare.

“Good,becauseI’vewantedtodothisforages,butifwegetbusted,there’snothirdchance.”

Ideclaremypositionbyremovingmysuitbottomandslidinghisoverhiships.Hesmilesadorably

andIlockmyanklesathislowerback,bringinguscloser,untilwefitnestledagainstoneanother.Iexpect
hismotionstobealittleurgent,buthe’scalmandsteady.Movingwitheaseandrestraint.Hepushesinto
meslowanddeliberate.Kissingmeleisurely.Perfect.

Sweatbuildsbetweenus,makingusstickyandslick.Hismouthfindsmybreastsandhekisses

them—sucksthem,makingmegroanwithwant.Igriptheedgeofthetable,bracingmyselfforeach
unhurriedthrust.“You’rekillingme,babe,”Ibreatheashewindsmetighterandtighter.

Mywordsareenoughtomakehimincreasehispace,finallyincreasingtheintensity,givingme

whatIneed.“Loveyou,”hewhispersintomymouth.Ifallovertheedge,takingthisboywithhisblue
eyesandkindheartwithme.

*

IfyoulikedNoRegretspleasetryRoxy’sotherbookslocated

HERE