HARDMAN

ASECRETBABYSPORTSROMANCE

S.J.BISHOP

PersonalNote
CUFFS&BALLERS

Prologue
Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10

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HARDMAN

BADBALLERSBOOK1

PROLOGUE

LARS

squintedmyeyesagainstthedarkness,searchingforBigNoseVincentandhismen.

Where were they? They were supposed to meet us in this crummy old warehouse at
nine. It was already twenty after, and Big Nose was never late. His massive frame
suddenlymovedintoview,andthenosehewasknownforstuckoutlikealightbulb,
eveninthedarkness.

"Lars,"hesaid,smilingabittoowidely.Hewalkedtowardme,hisarmsextendedin

a friendly gesture that rang false on his face. He stopped halfway across the room.
Somethingwasn'tright.

"Vincent,"Isaid,nodding.Besideme,IfeltTonyandAshstiffen.Ashhadn'twanted

tocometonight.I'dhadtotalkhimintoit.Butthemoneywasgood,andoncewegot
thebriefcaseandgotbacktoAngelo's,allwouldberightintheworldagain.Besides,it
wasaneasyexchange.Wegivethemthebriefcasestashedtothebrimwithheroin,and
theygiveusabriefcasestashedtothebrimwithmoney.Nothingcouldbesimpler.

Except now that Vincent was here, something in the back of my head was

screamingatmetogetout,andIneverdoubtedmysenseswhentheyscreamed.You
couldn'twhenyouworkedwiththemob,butIalsodidn'twanttomakeanymistakes.
If I drew my gun too soon, all shit would break loose, and it would be my fault. So I
waited.

"Lars,let'sgetoutofhere,man,"Ashwhispered."Thisisallwrong.Wherearethe

restofthem?"Ashwasright.AllIcouldseewereBigNoseandtwoofhismen.BigNose
nevertraveledanywherewithlessthanadozenhiredguns.Hewaswaytooparanoid
abouttakingahit.

"It'sfine,"Iwhisperedback."Wecan'tjustleave.Angelowouldkillus."
IcouldseeAsh'sdarkbrowneyesglintbackatmewithfear.Thehaironthebackof

myneckwasstandingonend.

"Don'tworry,Igotthis,"ItoldAsh.IsignaledtoTonywholiftedthebriefcaseoffthe

ground,tighteninghishandarounditshandleuntilhisknucklesturnedwhite.

"MaybeAshisright,"Tonysaid."Thisjobstinks."Hiseyesdartedovermyshoulder

atBigNose.Iknewhewasn'ttalkingaboutthemusty,stalesmellthatpermeatedthis
decrepitwarehousewewerestandingin.Ismelledittoo.Lies.Trickery.Thesethings
allcamewiththejob.Partofourjobwasknowingwhentoheedtheinternalwarnings
buzzinginourheadsandwhentoletthemgoandgetthejobdoneanyway.

Whateverthesituationwas,youhadtoaskyourselfwhichwasworse.Youhadto

weigh the odds of getting hurt against the consequences of not finishing the job you
weresenttodo.Itwasashitchoice,anditwasminetomake.

"Give me the briefcase," I said. Tony handed it over, his large hands letting go

reluctantly.

"Makeitquick,"Tonytoldme.
InoddedonceandshotaglancetoAsh.Darkcirclesseemedtobeformingunderhis

eyes as I watched him. His skin was too pale for a man in his twenties. I felt like a
shitheadforbringinghimalong.He'dbeentalkingforweeksaboutwantingtogetout
ofthislife,awayfromthemobandfromAngelo.ButAshwaslikeabrothertome,and
Iwasreluctanttolethimgo.Hegavemeaquicknodtoletmeknowhewasokay,even
thoughIknewbetter.

Justgetgoingandgetout.
I took a breath and met Big Nose at the center of the room. He was seven years

olderthanme,andhisskinwasalreadywrinkled.Idon'tknowwhatthemanhaddone
to himself, but no thirty-year-old should have a face like this. It looked like maggots
were crawling under his skin, and his famous nose was so long it could have had its
ownzipcode.

"Lars,goodtoseeyou,"BigNosesaid.
"I'mnothereforpleasantries,"Isaid,handinghimthebriefcase.
"Of course not. Here you are." He gave me back a black briefcase that should've

beenfilledwithhundreddollarbills.Iwasnogenius,butIwassmartenoughtoknow
thecasehegavemewastoosmalltoholdtwentymilliondollars.

"Thisisit?"Iasked,thatalarmbellringinginsidemeagain.
"That'severythingyouneed,"BigNosereplied,smilingatmewithhiscrookedteeth.
I made the decision in a second. I set the briefcase on a tired-looking ledge

crumblingagainstthewallofthewarehouseandopenedit.BigNosenevertriedtostop
me.MyeyesbulgedwhenIsawthenewspaperspiledinsideit.

"Youfucker!"Ishouted,turningbacktohim."Where'sthemoney?"Idrewmygun,

butBigNosewasonlylaughing.

"Lars!"Ashscreamed.IlookeduptoseeBigNose'smissingmenappearoutofthe

darkness, guns drawn. I didn't know what they'd been waiting for. They could have
killed us anytime they wanted. Big Nose just likes to draw things out. Stupid asshole.
Suddenly,shotsrangacrosstheair.IthrewmybriefcaseatBigNoseandheardaloud
crack.

"Goddammit!Youbrokemynose!"
Ididn'tstoptolookback.IcouldseeTonyandAshdodgingtheirwaythroughthe

bullets,almosttothedoorwe'dcomeinthrough.Wewereparkedrightoutsideofit.

IcaughtuptothemandwasslightlyaheadofAshwhenashotrangout.Atalmost

the same time, I felt Ash's hands push me to the ground. "Look out!" he screamed.
WhenIlookedup,Ashwaslyingstill.Bloodwaspouringoutofhim.

"Tony!Ashgothit!"Tonystoppedattheexitand,withoutpausingtothink,ranback

intothehailstormofbullets.Together,wedraggedAshtothecar.

"Youdrive,"Itoldhim,climbingintothebackseatwithAsh.Itslowlysunkinthat

Ashhadjustsavedmylife.He'dpushedmeoutofthewayandtakenthebullethimself.

"Ash,buddy?Youokay?Canyouhearme?"
ButAsh'seyeswerewide.Hisalreadypaleskinwaslikeaghostnow.Isawthelife

leavinghim."Goddammit,Ash!Don'tyoufuckingdieonme!"

Ash looked up at me, his eyes tearing with blood. "Don't let it be for nothing," he

croaked,barelyaudible."Getoutbeforeitgetsyoutoo."ItwasthelastthingthatAsh
eversaidtome.

CLARISSA

here!"Ishouted,slammingmyshotglassontothebar.

Madelinerolledhereyes."Yes,fine,alright.Youwin.Youcoulddrinkmeunder

thetableanydayoftheweek.Areyouhappynow?"

Ismiledandlaughed,butinsideIstillfeltcrushed.IknewMadelinewasseeingright

throughmeandwasgratefulshe'dcomeoutwithmetonight.Myauditiontodayhad
beenajoke.NooneinNewYorkwasevergoingtohireasizesixteen,evenifmybody
wasthehottestthingthissideofManhattan.Ijustdidn'tunderstandit.

InColorado,I'dgottenofferafteroffertobeincollegeplaysandstudentfilms.I'd

even sung in a nightclub part-time to pay the bills. New York was just different. I
couldn't even afford to share a room with someone here. Not even two or three
someones.Iknewalotoftwenty-one-year-oldsstilllivedwiththeirparentsandwere
fine with it, but I sure as shit wasn't. Moving back in with my dad after living on
campusthelastfouryearsinColoradowaslikesteppingintoatimewarp.Nothinghad
changed.Hestillthoughtmycareerchoicewasawasteoftimeandmoney,andIstill
thoughttheonlythinghecaredaboutwasfootball.Ofcoursehewasthecoachofthe
NewYorkGiants,ashelikedtopointout.Thinkingaboutfootballwashisjob.

"Comeon,let'sdokaraoke.Singingalwayscheersyouup,"Madelinesaid,grabbing

my hand and trying to pull me through the crowds. Saturday nights at Lola's were
alwaysbusy.Itwassupposedtobethehippest,trendiestnightspotinthecityrightnow,
though I thought it felt a little flat. The bars in Colorado were all a little nicer, a little
friendlier.Here,everyonealwaysseemedliketheywereinabadmood.Madelinewas
theonlyfriendI'dmadesincearrivinginthecity,andIwasluckytohaveher.

"Notrightnow,"Isaid."Ineedanotherdrink."
Madelinerolledhereyes."ABrideforMyFatherprobablywon'tevenstayopenfora

week.Besides,it'snotyourfaulttheydidn'tpickyou.Yourbody'stodiefor,andnoone
singsasgoodasyou,youknowthat.Notevenme."

"Yeah,butyou'retheonethey'regivingthepartto."
Madelineblushed."Wedon'tknowthatyet."
"Oh,comeon.Thatonedirectorwaspracticallydroolingoveryou.Youkilleditin

theretoday.Youdeserveit."ItwashardformetosaythatwhenIdidn'treallyfeelthat
way.Madelinewasawesome,sure,butIwasbetter.Thatwasn'tegotalking;itwasfact.
Myvoicewasjuststronger.Mycurveswerecurvier.Mybreastswerefuller.Everything

about me screamed woman, whereas Madeline's size zero body made her look like a
littlegirl,orevenalittleboy.

I guess I was a little bitter. So what? I'd been here a month already and hadn't

landedonejob.Mymotherneverreturnedmyphonecalls;shewastoobusygettingit
on with her boy toy in California and trying to be a movie star. Maybe if my father
hadn't been such a grouch when they were married, she wouldn't have deserted us
when I was six. I knew how shallow his support was when it came to the arts. What
was it he'd said to me today when I'd gotten home and told him I'd bombed the
audition?Ohyeah,"Itoldyouso."

"Well, I'm going to the bathroom. Why don't you get another drink and get your

headtogether?"Iwatchedherwobbleaway,herlong,darkhairswingingloosebehind
herhead.Shereallywaspretty—foraskinnygirl.Shetrippedoverherownfeetand
fellagainstatallguywithblondehairwholookedlikehe'djustwonthelotterywhen
hesawher.Crap.Nowaycouldshedrivelikethis.

Ipulledmyphoneoutofmypocketandstartedsearchingforthenumberofacab

company,thenrememberedthiswasNewYorkCity.Onethingwehadherewerecabs.
IwasabouttoputmyphoneawaywhenapictureofmeandTreenaattheDenverZoo
sprungup.Ilookedatitforamomentandsmiledatthememory,thenstartedscrolling
throughmypictures.Ipausedoneachone,suddenlymissingmyoldersisterfiercely.I
stillcouldn'tbelieveshe'dstayedinColoradotobeacop.Iwouldneverhavepictured
thatforherwhenwewerelittle.IwasgladI'dstayedwithherthroughNewYear’s.At
least it gave me some happy memories to look back on. So far, my new year in New
Yorkhadbeendismal.

Madeline sauntered back over to me. "I just realized it's after midnight," she said.

"I'vegottago.I'vegotanauditioninthemorning."

Imadeaface.Ididn'twanttobealonerightnow."Skipit.Youknowyougotthat

parttoday."

"Thisone'sforamovie,"shesaid,hereyeslightingup.
"Oh.Awesome."Ismiledbutturnedmyheadbeforeshecouldseeitdidn'treachmy

eyes."Givemeyourkeys,"IsaidwhenIgotmyjealousyundercontrol.

"Ineedthemtogetintomyapartment."
"Fine.ButI'mwatchingyougetintoacab."
Madelinenodded,andIfollowedheroutside,wherethechilledJanuaryairwhipped

myblondehairaroundmyheadinahalo.WhenMadelinewassafelyinhercab,Iwent
backintothebar.

"Comeon,comeon,comeon,let'sgetthiskaraokepartystarted,"theDJwassaying

fromhisbooth.

Suddenly, I wanted to sing. I ran up on the stage and grabbed the microphone

beforeanyoneelsehadachanceto.Ishoutedthenameofanoldstandbythatalways
mademefeelgood,andwhentheDJbroughtupPeggyLee's"Fever,"Iclosedmyeyes
andletthesongtakeover.Theworldaroundmestopped.Ididn'thearthepeoplein
thebaranymore—allIheardwasthemusic.Thebeatofthedrum,therhythmofthe
song...theymovedthroughmybodyliketheywereapartofme.

WhenIopenedmyeyesagain,thebareruptedintoapplause.Ifeltmyselfblushing

andstaredinwonderatallthepeoplewhocouldapplaudmenowbutwouldn'tgiveme

thetimeofdaymostdaysoftheweek.Throughthecrowd,onefacestaredbackatme,
hittingmelikeatruck.Hehaddarkhairthatwasalmostblackandequallydarkeyes
thatscreamedofdanger.Itfeltliketheywereseeingrightthroughme.

Itookabreath,andwhenIsteppedoffthestage,hewastherewaitingforme.

LARS

uckme.Ihatekaraoke.Whatdoyousaywegetoutofhere?"

The two girls I was talking to looked at me with their fake blue contacts and

dyedhair,andIcouldseetheywerereadytorunoutthedoorwithme.

"Soundsgoodtous,"theysaid,eachonerunningadelicatehandupanddownmy

arm, stroking my tattoos. I was just swinging my jacket over my arms when the
woman on stage started to sing. I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. My
shouldersstiffened,andIdroppedmyjacketbackontothechair.

"Aren'tweleaving?"oneoftheblondesasked.
"Notyet."
IlistenedasthewomanbeltedoutarenditionofanoldsongIrecognizedfromthe

radio.Eachnotethatcarriedthroughtheairlandedonmyearslikethesoothingtones
ofasaxophone.I'dneverknownanyonewhocouldsinglikethat.Mybodyshooklike
awavehadjusttriedtoburyme.Hervoicepressedagainstme,warmwindonacold
day.Itfeltlikesoftelectrickissesbuzzingupanddownmyskin.Thehardershesang,
thehardertheykissed.

One of the blondes tugged at my arm. I couldn't remember her name and didn't

think it mattered anyway. "Are we going?" she asked. I shook my head, grabbed my
coat, and walked away from them, closer to the stage. I could hear them both gasp
behindmebutcouldn'thavecaredless.Theyhadbigfakeboobsandthatplasticlook
thatmentodayseemedtolove.They'dfindsomeoneelsetolaythemtonight.

Thesongended,andthewomansteppedoffthestage.
"Hey,"Isaid,approachingher.Icouldfeelhereyesmovingovermybody,checking

meout."You'reamazing.I'mLars.CanIbuyyouadrink?"Iofferedhermyhand,and
whenshetookit,astrangebuzzranupandovermyskin.Whensheletitgo,thebuzz
disappeared.

"Thatdepends,"shesaid,herblueseyesglintingplayfullyatme.
"Onwhat?"
"Onhowgoodyouareatdarts."
Foramoment,Iwastakenaback."Youwanttoplaydarts?"Iasked.
"Whynot?It'sSaturdaynight,andI'vegotnothingbettertodo.Yet."
Ismiledbackatherandledthewaytothedartboardsatthebackofthebar.Itwas

aroundoneandstartingtoclearoutjustabit.Thelightweightswereallheadinghome,

andwegotadartboardeasily.

"Youhaven'ttoldmeyourname,"Isaid.
"Guess,"sheteased.
Ilookedatherandsmiled.Ilikedthisgameshewasplaying.
"Maria."
Shewrinkledhernoseandshookherhead.
"Kaylee?"
"Notevenclose."
"DoIgetahint?"
"Maybeafteryougetyourfirstbullseye,"shesaid,thensentoneofthedartssailing

past my nose. It landed just off center, a half inch from the bullseye. She smiled
alluringly at me, her liquid blue eyes swimming at me through the dim lights of the
bar.

"You'regood,"Itoldher."Butguesswhat?I'mbetter."Isailedmydarttotheheart

oftheboard,whereitlandedperfectlyinthecenter.Herjawdropped,andIcouldn't
helplaughing.

"Name?"Iasked.
Sheturnedtowardme,steppingclosersothatIcouldfeelherbreathonmyface.It

smelledlikeviolets.

"Best two out of three?" she asked, purring in my ear as she leaned in closer so I

couldhearherthroughthemusicandthepeopletalking.

Itouchedhercheek,unabletoresistthelureofher,andwasshockedatthesoftness

ofherskin.Ialmostpulledaway,afraidthecoarsenessofmyownskinmighthurther
—football hadn't been exactly kind to my hands, but then again, neither had my last
job. She reached up with hands as soft as the rest of her and placed one over mine,
keepingitonhercheek.

"I'mgonnalearnyournametonightifitkillsme."
Hermoist,pinklipsturnedupatthecorners."I'mnotafraidofyou."
Ifeltmybodytenseandwithdrewmyhand."That'sbecauseyoudon'tknowme."
Her eyes shifted, studying me, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. "Tell you what.

Let'splaywinnertakeall."

Sheliftedhereyebrows."Whatisityouwanttotake?"
"You."
Sheblushedandturnedaway,butnotbeforeIcaughtthelookinhereye.Anhour

andfivedrinkslater,shepulledthelastdartoutoftheboard.

"Iguessyouwin,"shesaid.
"So,areyougonnaliveuptoyourendandtellmeyourname?"
Shehesitated."Clarissa,"shefinallyreplied.
"Clarissa."Iletthenamesettleonmylips.NowthatIknewhername,itseemedso

obvious.HowcouldshehavebeenanythingotherthanaClarissa?"Wannagooutside
withmeforasmoke?"

"Idon'tsmoke."
"NeitherdoI."Shesmiled,andweheadedforthefrontdoor.

CLARISSA

y heart thumped once in my chest as we stepped out into the cold and huddled

against the side of the building, where the wind couldn't whip us quite so heavily. It
wasdarkwherewestood.Icouldhearpeoplewalkinginandoutofthebar,butthey
couldn'tseeus.

Larsputhisarmsaroundme,andIinstantlyfeltmybodywarm.Allnightlong,I'd

wonderedwhatitwouldfeelliketohavethosearmswrappedaroundme,andnowI
knew. It felt like curling up inside a blanket, safe and warm and intimate. I couldn't
helpwonderingifhislipswereaswarmastherestofhim.Istoodonmytiptoestrying
tokisshim,butthealcoholwashedovermeandmademeslip.Igiggledlikeaschool
girlashecaughtmebeforeIhitthegroundandliftedmebackupwithease.

"You'redrunk,"hesaid.
"Soareyou."
He smiled back at me and then leaned forward, carefully placing his lips against

mine.Adeepacheboiledupinsideme,wettingmythighs.Iopenedmymouthwider,
tastinghismasculinityonmytongue.Iswallowedit,alreadywantingmore.

"You'redelicious,"Ipurred.
"That's my line," he said, his voice growing husky. He pressed his core harder

against mine. I heard people moving just around the corner and was shocked to
discover that, rather than frightening me, I thrilled at the idea of discovery. I didn't
knowwhetheritwasthealcoholorthecoldJanuaryair,butIwasfilledwithasudden,
savagedesireIhadneverknownbefore.Itclaweditswayoutofme,poundingsohard
inmybloodthatIwassureitwouldleaveabruise.

Larssensedmyhungerandreacheddown,hisstronghandsrestinggentlybetween

mythighsashistonguetwirledinsidemymouth.Hemassagedmysex,sendingripples
ofpleasureupanddownmyspineashestrokedmeovermyjeans.Theachebetween
mythighsdeepened,andthefabricbegantohurtasmypussyclenched,mywantfor
himturningnowtoneed.

"I'mgonnafuckyou,"Larsgrowledinmyear,soundinglikeawildbeast.Iinhaled

hismuskyscent,lettingitfillmylungsandstreamintoeveryorificeofmybody.

Laughterrangoutacrossthenight,notfarfromwherewestood.Thesideofthebar

onlyprovidedminimumcoverage,andIcouldn'thelptheundulationsofarousalthat
filledmeeverytimeIheardsomeonedrawclosetous.Thechilledairmixedwiththe

heatofourbodies,makingmefeelatonemomentlikeIwasinanicecoolerandthe
nextlikeIwasjumpingintoasauna.

"Areyousureyoudon'twanttogosomewherewarmer?"Iasked.
"Fuckwarmer,"hegrunted,hisvoicehusky.Ifeltallanimal.Everytraceofhuman

modesty and inhibition was leaving me, only to be replaced with wild carnal desire.
Thesavageinmewastakingover,andIletit.

"Ican'twaitforwarmer.Canyou?"Hegroaned,lickingmyneckwithhisthick,pink

tongue. Its rough edges traced the line of my neck from my collar bone to my chin,
leaving a trail of heat that was quickly replaced with a crisp, raw chill. The chill only
drewmoreattentiontothepartsofmethatwerestillhot.

Steam rose off my thighs, and suddenly, I knew I couldn't wait. Lars was right. I

needed him now, before another second went by. I moved my hand to his zipper,
answeringhisquestionasIopenedhimuptome.Myhand,somuchsmallerthanhis
own, reached inside his pants and stroked him with feather-light fingers. His mass
jolted awake, caressing my skin with his firm, elastic tip. I pushed his pants to the
ground.Theypooledaroundhisankles.Iwasafraidforasecondthatthechillintheair
might have some negative consequences on the solid mass bumping against me, but
whenIreacheddowntotouchit,hewasashotandstiffasever.

Anicecuberanupmyspineasagustofwindrushedpastus,followedimmediately

bytheheatofhisbreathashekissedmyneck.Itwasastrangesensation,anditonly
made my excitement grow. Voices drifted past us, no more than fifty feet away. All
theyhadtodowascomearoundthecorner.Iliftedonelegandwrappeditaroundhis
waistashefumbledwithmyzipper.

I couldn't breathe. My heart pounded with his. Finally, my pants joined his at the

bottom of the alley floor. The cold air didn't affect me like I'd thought it would. The
lowerhalfofmybodywassohot,theairactuallyfeltgoodagainstmyskin,coolingthe
sauna that had accumulated between my thighs. The tip of his cock nudged me,
bumpingagainstmyclitashebegantoplaywithme.

Myheadfellback,enjoyingthefeelofhisdarkpinktipashemovedinslowcircles

aroundmyopening.Iwaitedeagerlyforhimtoenterme.WhenIsawthathemeantto
taunt me for a while, I grabbed his ass with both hands and lowered my lips to the
salty-sweetskinofhisneck.Itookapinchofskinbetweenmyteethandbit.Nottoo
hard,justhardenoughtogethisattention.

"Ouch!"hegruntedandslappedmyass,leavingatingleonmyskinwherehishand

hadjustbeen.

"Do it," I begged. He stared hard at me a moment, his dark eyes digging into me,

thensuddenlyhegrippedbothmyarmswithhishandsandpushedmehardupagainst
the brick wall. I spread my legs for him as he bumped my hole three times with his
erectionthenenteredme.

Hislengthfilledmyhole,andmyopeningtightenedaroundthebaseofhiscockas

hebottomedoutinsideme.Hebegantopoundintome,notgently,butwiththesavage
animaldesirewewerebothfeeling.ItwasrawandwildandjustwhatIneeded.

Imoanedloudlyandheardafewpeoplegigglearoundthecornerfromus.Ithought

oneofthemmight'vepeekedatusthroughthedarkness,butIdidn'tgiveashit.Itwas
toodarktoseeourfacesanyway.

"Fuckme!"Ihowled.
Myhipsbegantobumpagainsthis,makingloudslappingsoundswhentheycame

together. He let go of my hands, and I immediately wrapped them around his ass,
grabbingholdofhistightmuscles,feelingthemastheyworkedtomovehiscockinand
outofme.Igroanedloudly,andLarsbitmyear,makingmesqueal.

"Titfortat,"hesmirked.
His mass was strong and thick inside me. I could smell our sex as it wafted up

throughthenightair.Thehalf-moonshinedbrightlyoverhead,andforasecond,Isaw
the fierce lust in his eyes as he moved inside me. Our lips found their way together
again as we continued to pulse our lower bodies against each other. His warm, wet
tongue reminded me how warm and wet my pussy was right now. He continued to
slideeasilyinandoutofme,likemycavehadlathereditselfupwithoilwhileitwas
waitingforhimtocomein.

Suddenly,hismassgrewinsideme.Ifeltmybodystiffen.Knowinghewasaboutto

explode made my own head erupt with a pleasure that was almost gluttonous. He
movedfasterandharderagainstme.Mybackarched;mypussywasonfire.Iinhaled
hismasculinityandhelditinsideme,feedingoffofitlikeahungryanimal.

Then the world around us blew up. One minute we were in a dark alleyway, the

next we were flying to the moon. Everything around us burned and brightened. I'd
never felt anything as satisfying as when his juices filled me. We stood together a
momentagainstthewall,lettingthedarknessenvelopus.Finally,hepulledaway.

"Clarissa,"hesaid,hiseyesburningbrightly."ItoldyouI'dlearnyourname."
"Yes,"Iteasedback,"butthat'sallyou'regoingtolearn.Myfirstname."
Hesmiledslyly."Idon'tgettolearnanythingelseaboutyou?"
"Let's keep some of the mystery," I purred, then redressed and went to brave the

nightair,aloneonceagain.

LARS

gottoGiantsStadiumearlyandhungaroundwiththeotherguysonthefieldwaiting

for Coach Walker to come up. Brett Walker was the best man I'd ever known, hands
down.ExceptmaybeforAsh.WhenI'dfirstjoinedtheGiantsatthestartoftheyear,
theotherguyshadgivenmeahardtime.Iwastheonlyonewhohadn'tgottendrafted
outofcollege.Hell,I'dneverevenbeentocollege.They'dfuckedwithmeforawhile,
costingmefineafterfineeverytimeIpunchedoneofthem.

I hadn't quite learned to control my temper yet, and my $450,000 rookie salary

quickly evaporated, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I'd sworn to myself that I'd
neverbeasbrokeasmymotherandIwerewhenIwasgrowingup.Themoneywas
thewholereasonI'dgottenintofootball.Ididn'tknowanyotherwaytomakethetype
ofmoneyI'dmadeworkingforAngelo—atleast,notwithmyskillset.Footballwasthe
onethingIcoulddowell,andIhadn'tdoneitsincehighschool.WhenI'dshownupfor
tryouts,IwasalmostsurprisedthatIwasstillgoodatit.Hell,Iwasgreatatit.

ThehazingfromtheguysprobablywouldhavegoneonuntilI'dpunchedonetoo

many of them and gotten thrown out of football if Coach Walker hadn't taken me
underhiswing.

"You're a lot like I was when I was your age," he'd said. He was forty and fit.

Attractivenotjustforanolderman,butforaguyofanyage.

"Idoubtthat,Coach."
"Ohyeah?Iknowmorethanyouthink."
I'dstaredathim,notquitegettingwhathewassaying.Hecouldn'tknowaboutmy

past. I'd never been in jail, well, never been convicted, and when I'd cut ties with
Angelo,he'dletmegowithgoodgraces.Noonewaslookingforme.Itmightbetrue
thatthemobdidn'tliketoletpeopleout,butI'dbeenlittlemorethanahenchmaninit,
notexactlythefuckingGodfather.Iwasaballbreakeranddeliveryboy,Ididn'tknow
much about the top dogs and couldn't give the cops what they needed to put Angelo
away.EvenifIdid,Istillwouldn'thave.Angeloknewthat.

"I'mnotsurewhatyoumean,Coach."
"Young.Impetuous.Violent.Thatsumyouup?"
"Inaway."
"Listen, Lars. I knocked my ex-wife up when she was eighteen and I was twenty-

two. I loved her, but she hated me. Now, my daughters hate me. I never knew my

father,soIguessIdidn'tknowhowtobeagooddad.Iwasalwaysbetteratfootball.I
knockedaroundalittlewhenIwasateenager,nothingbig,justsmall-timegangshit.I
didafewdrugs.Iwaspoorasshit.Yougettingthepicturenow?"

Inodded,stunnedatCoachWalker'sopennesswithaguyhebarelyknew.
"How'dyoustraightenup?"Iasked,thinkingImightalreadyknowtheanswer.
"Football,"hesaid."Itworkedforme,anditcanworkforyou.Butfirst,you'vegotta

stop bashing in the guys every time they rile you up. They're just messing with you
becausetheyknowitgetstoyou.Learntotakeajoke."

And I had. Sort of. Now, when the guys ribbed me about not going to college, I

laughedwiththem,eventhoughtherewasapartofmethatstillwantedtoknockmy
fistintotheirface.Butwhatever.

"WherethehellisWalker?"MattFordshouted,risingupoffthebenchandsnapping

meoutofmyreverie.

"He'llbehere,"oneoftheotherguysshouted.
"If he expects us to be on time for practice, then he should be too, or else they

shouldfirehistiredoldass."

Ijumpedup,angerboilinginsideme.Severaloftheguysjumpedbetweenus.
"Shutyourfuckingmouth,"Iyelled.
"What? Are you gonna punch me? Go ahead. I'll be happy to let the commission

takeyourmoneyagain.I'vealwayswonderedhowmanytimesaplayercangetfined
forphysicalcontactwithanotherplayerbeforetheybootyouofftheteam.Rookie."

"He'snotworthit,man,"PhilStanleysaid.
Ifellbackandtookadeepbreath.Philletoutalong,lowwhistle,asdidseveralof

theotherguys.Ithoughttheywerebeingwiseasses,butthenPhilnudgedme.

"Checkitout,man.Lookatthevisionthatiswalkingtowardusrightnow."
Iturnedmyheadandfeltthelookofshockfallacrossmyface.Clarissa.
She stopped when she saw me, mock surprise registering on her face, as if she

wasn't here looking for me. It was weird seeing her here. I hadn't stopped thinking
about her since that night outside the bar. I'd never had sex so hot, and I had been
kicking myself for not getting her number. But still...what was she doing here? How
hadsheevenfoundme?Sure,I'dhelpedtheGiantsontheirwaytotheSuperBowlwe
were in next week, but I didn't think girls knew anything about football. She hadn't
seemedtorecognizemeatthebar.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, going up to her. "I mean, I appreciate a good

stalkerandallbut...it'salittlestrange."Iwastryingtokeepitlight,butIdidn'tlikethe
idea that she'd followed me here, days after fucking her. She'd been the best I'd ever
had,butifshewasherenowitmeantshewantedmore.AndIdidn'tdomore.

Hercheeksflushed,andhereyesflashedinanger."I'mnotheretoseeyou.Ihadno

ideayouwereontheGiants."

"So,you'rejusthereforfun,isthatit?"Isnapped.
"Lars,I'mnotheretoseeyou.Ihaven'teventhoughtaboutyousincethatnight."
Her words hit me hard, probably because I hadn't stopped thinking about her.

"Whatever, psycho stalker. I don't do relationships, okay? So you can just go back to
whereveryoustalkedoverherefrom."

"I'mnotfuckingstalkingyou,asshole."Ourvoicesweregettingloud,andIcouldtell

theguysweretryingtolisten.

Suddenly, Coach Walker appeared from the field ramp. He grinned at me and

startedwalkingtowardus.Itensedup,knowingCoachdidn'tlikeourgirlfriendsouton
thefield.NotthatClarissawasmygirlfriend,farfromit,butIwasn'tsurethatwould
fareanybetterwithCoach.

"I see you've met my daughter," Coach said. "What are you doing here?" He was

looking at Clarissa. I felt my jaw slowly dropping as understanding sunk in—Clarissa
had been telling the truth. And I'd been an utter asshole to her for no reason. It was
seldomthatIgotembarrassed,butIfelttheheatcreepintomycheekswhenIlooked
ather.

Iwalkedovertothesidelineandwatchedastheytalked.Afewoftheguysaskedme

whoshewas,andIjustsaidshewasCoach'sdaughter.TheyassumedI'dknownthat
whenIwentovertherebecausenofootballplayeranywhere,evenMattFord,would
fucktheircoach'sdaughter.

I waited until they finished talking and she was headed down the ramp, then I

pretendedIhadtotakealeak.IwentdowntherampandstoppedClarissabeforeshe
couldexitthestadium.

"Hey,I'msorryaboutbefore.IhadnoideayouwereCoachWalker'sdaughter."
"AndIhadnoideayouweresuchanasshole."
ItensedbutknewIdeservedthat."Youdon'twatchfootball?"Iasked.
"Myfatheralwayslikedfootballbetterthanusgrowingup,soIdecidednottolike

football."

Ihesitated,notlikingtohearanythingnegativeaboutCoach.
"CanIbuyyouadrinklater,afterpractice?Makeupforbeingsuchadouche?"
Shesurveyedmewithhereyesbeforeopeninghermouth."Idon'thavedrinkswith

douches.Orassholes.Soyou'reoutofluck."Thensheturnedandleftmestandingwith
myfootinmymouth.

CLARISSA

stoodonthestage,holdingmybreathandwaitingforthedirector'sreaction.Ididn't

knowwhatIwassonervousabout—itwasjustanightclub,notBroadway.Butstill,it
wasajobsinging,andIneededajob.Badly.IfIhadtolistentomyfathertellmeone
moretimethatIshouldforgetmydream,Ithoughtmyheadmightexplode.Ineeded
something,anything,toprovetohimthatIwasn'tjustwastingmytime.Plus,howgood
woulditfeeltobeabletosay,"Igotit!"justonce.Irealizednowhowallthosecollege
productionsandstudentfilmsinColoradocountedforshitinNewYork.

"So?"Ifinallyaskedafteraminute.Itwasasmallnightclub,andbecauseofthat,we

allgottoseeeachotheraudition.Therewereatleasttwodozenothergirlsallseated
aroundtheroom,theireyestrainedonme.

Thedirectorwasstudyingme."Itwasgood,"hefinallysaid."Ithinkyoumighthave

thebestvoiceofanyoneI'veeverheard."

Myheartskippedabeatathisflattery.
"Thanks!"
"However,"hesaid,walkinguptomewithonehandraised.Hemotionedformeto

getoffthestageandloweredhisvoiceasIcameuptohim.

"CanIbecompletelyhonest?"
Inodded.
"Iwouldlovetohireyou,buttheclub'sownerswouldkillmeifIdid.Youneedto

dropaboutthirtypounds,atleast,ifyouwanttoseriouslycompeteinthistown."

Myjawdroppedopen."But...myvoice...yousaid..."
"I know, honey, it sucks. You sound like a fucking angel when you sing, but I just

can't do it. Lose the weight, come back, and I'll put you on stage in a second. But for
now,Ihavetopass."

The director looked sorry for what he was saying, and in a way I appreciated his

honesty,butitwasstillhardtotake.AfewofthegirlsintheroomchuckledasImade
mywayoutside.ItextedMadelineasIwalkedseveralblockshome.Comeover.Ineed
to get drunk and can't afford to go out. She texted back that she'd be right there. At
home,Islammedthedoorbehindmeandletoutaloudscreamoffrustration.

Mydadappearedfromoutofnowhere,hiseyesalivewithconcern."Clarissa?What

happened?Areyouokay?"

My cheeks grew red. "Oh, um, sorry. I didn't think you were home from practice

yet.Iwasjust...lettingoffalittlesteam."

"Idecidedtogivetheteamalittlebreakthisafternoon.It'snotthatmuchlongerto

theSuperBowl."Hestudiedmeasecond."Areyousureyou'reokay?"

"Fine,"Isaid,hangingupmycoat.IstillhadonthedressI'dwornfortheaudition.It

wasdarkblueandhuggedeverycurveofme.Ifeltlikeamoviestarinit.

"Youhadanotheraudition,didn'tyou?"heasked,shakinghishead.
"Yeah,so?"Ispatbackathim.Ihatedhearingthattoneinhisvoice.
"Whichmeansyoufailedanotheraudition."
"I'mstilllearningtheropesinNewYork,"Isaid,defendingmyself.
"And how long is it gonna take you to learn them? When will you give up these

fantasiesofyoursandgetsomethingyoucanactuallydo?"

"I can do this! I can sing. I can act. It's not my fault no one wants to give me a

chance."

"Maybethatmeanssomething.Maybeyoushouldlistentothenoes."
"Whatifyouhaddonethat,Dad?Whatifyouhadlistenedtoallthenoesyougoton

yourwayup?Wherewouldyoubenow?Shovelingshitoutofblockedtoiletsinhigh
schools across Colorado, right? Or did you forget that you used to be a janitor before
yousaid‘fuckit’andwentforyourdream?"

I could see the frustration and anger in his eyes. It never failed to surprise me. If

anyoneshouldhaveunderstoodhowIfelt,itshouldhavebeenhim.YetheactedlikeI
wascrazyforpursuingmydreamswhenhe'ddonethesamething.

The doorbell rang, breaking the silence. I stood there a second before turning to

answerit.ThebreathleftmylungsinagreatwhooshasItookinLars'face.Evenwhen
I was pissed at him, I couldn't help but take in the chiseled features that replaced
oxygenwithlust.Ifeltpulledtowardhimthesecondhismouthmovedandhisperfect
lipsformedthewordsechoingfromhisthroat.

"So,areyougonnainvitemein,orshouldIstandhereallday?"

LARS

sat awkwardly at the table, looking from Clarissa to Coach to Madeline. Clarissa's

friend had been surprised to see me when she'd shown up. Unlike Clarissa, she had
recognizedmeimmediately.Theegoinmewasglad,thoughpartofmefeltitwasnice
tobewithawomanwhohadwantedmejustforme.

Madeline had been making eyes at me over dinner since we'd sat down. She was

hot,butnotashotasClarissawho,inanavydressthatshowedoffhermillion-dollar
cleavage,wasmakingmycockjump.Iwasshockedtorealizeherbreastsweren’tfake,
like most other girls in this town. I guess I hadn't really gotten a good look the night
outsidethebar,andapingofregretcoursedthroughme.

"Ireallywishmyfatherhadtoldmewewerehavingdinnerguests,"Clarissasaid,

shootingdaggersatCoach.

"Youweren'thome,"hesaid,soundingjustasannoyedasshedid."Youwereatan

audition."

"Youwere?"Iasked,wonderingwhatshemightbeauditioningfor."How'ditgo?"
Shestaredhardatme,herlipsalternatingbetweenasmileandafrown."Fine,"she

finallysaid.

"Whatwasitfor?"
"Anightclub."
"Singing?"
Shenodded."That'sagreatidea.Youhaveaterrificvoice."
CoachWalkerstaredatmeasifI'djustsaidthemoonwasmadeofcheese."Howdo

youknowwhatkindofvoiceshehas?"

"Oh,"Isaid,suddenlyflustered."Ijustmeantshehasanicespeakingvoice,soI'm

surehersingingvoicemustbeevenbetter."

Coach looked at me a minute before picking up his fork and shoving in another

mouthfulofravioli.

"Thanksagainforinvitingme."
"Youcan'teataloneeverynight,"hesaid."Besides,something'sgoingonwithyou.I

needtokeepmyeyesonyoubeforeyoublowyourwadattheSuperBowl."

"Jeez,Dad,"Clarissasaid,shakingherhead.
"What?LarsknowswhatImean."
"Youeatalone?"Madelineasked,hereyesdroopinglazilyinmydirection."Why?I

mean,I'msureyoudon'tneedto."

"Ilikebeingalone.Sometimes."
"Yeah, well, you're gonna be alone real soon if you fumble that ball anymore in

practice. You've got renegotiations coming up. What are you doing out there lately,
anyway?It'slikeyoucameintopracticeonedayandforgothowtoplay."

"I'mjusthavinganoffweek,"Imuttered,notwantingtolookatClarissa.Eversince

thatnightoutsidethebar,Ihadn'tbeenabletoconcentrateonthegamewhenIneeded
to.

"Offweekmyass.I'veseenyouplaybetterdrunk,hungover,andafteryou'vebeen

upfortwenty-fourhoursstraight.Nowshapeup,oryou’regonnacostusthegameand
yourselfacontract."

ItriednottoletCoach'swordsgettome,eventhougheverythinghewassayingwas

true.Suddenly,Ifeltsomethingsoftslidingovermylegandupmythigh.Ipausedwith
my fork midway to my mouth and glanced under the table. Madeline's foot was
makingitswaytowardmycrotch.

Ipushedmychairbackandstoodup."Where'syourbathroom?"Iasked.Iwasn't

abouttoplayfootsieswithMadelineatCoach'sdinnertable,notwithhimandClarissa
bothsittingthere.WhatkindofassholedidMadelinethinkIwas,anyway?

"I'llshowyou,"Clarissasaid,jumpingupfromherchair.
I followed her hips as they swaggered through the halls. Coach's house was nice.

Muchnicerthanthesmallone-bedroomapartmentIwascurrentlylivingin.Growing
up, I'd lived in a studio apartment that I'd had to share with my mom and six other
people.Itwasalwaysdirtyandalwayssmelledofsweatanddust.Myapartmentnow
was nice, but nowhere near as nice as I wanted it to be. I intended to get something
better when my rookie year was up and I had a new contract; I just needed more
moneyfirst.

"Whatdoyouthinkyou'redoinghere?"Clarissasnapped,suddenlyspinningaround

onme.Herfacewasinchesfrommine.Icouldfeelherhotbreathwashingoverme,
stillsmellingofviolets.

"Whatdoyoumean?Yourdadinvitedmefordinner."
"Youcouldhavesaidno."
"WhyshouldI?Ilikeyourdad."
Shepausedforasecond,considering."It'sjustabitawkward,don'tyouthink?"
Igrinned."Moreawkwardthanfuckingyouupagainstabrickwalloutsideabar?"I

couldtellshewastryingnottolaugh.

"Comeon,"Isaid,reachingoutgentlyandrunningmyfingersupherarm.Herbody

shivered,andeventhoughIknewshewastryingtostaymad,hereyeswerepurring.
"I'veneverfuckedlikethatbefore.Haveyou?"

Inresponsetomyquestion,hercheeksreddenedoverheralabasterskin.Icouldn't

takethewayhereyesswoonedlanguidlyasIleanedintowardher.Shewasdrivingmy
body into a frenzy. I moved forward another inch, pressing her once again against a
wall.Ikissedher.

CLARISSA

couldn't believe this was happening again, here in my home. Our lips pressed

together. My sex grew wet as Lars pushed my dress up and fingered me. The small
callouses on his fingertips made me shiver. They felt good on my silky soft clit as he
rubbedagainstme,creatingafrictionthatIwouldhavethoughtimpossibletoachieve
insoshortatime.

Stopit!You'remadathim!Remember?
ButIcouldn'tremember.Notwithhistonguedownmythroatandhishandinmy

panties.

"Wecan't,"Imoanedsoftlyintohisear."Myfather'sdownstairs."Hisonlyresponse

wastokissmyneckandtakeholdofmyhand,bringingitclosetohimsoIcouldfeel
the growing bulge in his pants. My heart was pounding in my chest. I could taste his
masculinityonthetipofmytongue.Athinfilmofsweatbrokeoutacrossmyforehead.

Suddenly,Iheardfootsteps.Itriedtofreemyselffromhisembrace,butheheldme

tightagainsthiscore.

"Letmego.It'smyfather.Iknowhisfootsteps."
Myheadswivelednervouslyinthedirectionofthestairs.
"First,agreetogooutwithmeagain.Thisweekend."Hislipsmovedagainstmine,

andhebrushedmesoftlywithhistongue.

"Ican't,"Ipanted.
"Youcan."
The footsteps were close now. Any second, my father would round that corner. I

couldn't let him catch me with my dress hiked up to my waist. I lifted my foot and
broughtitdownhardonLars’foot.Hejumpedback,thebulgeinhispantsshrinkingas
he hopped up and down in pain. I fixed my dress just in time. My dad rounded the
corner. He stopped when he saw us, looking at Lars as he cradled his now throbbing
toes.

"What'sgoingon?"heasked.
"Nothing," I lied. "I was just showing Lars our Picasso when he stubbed his toe." I

pointedtothelimitededitionlithographwehadonourwall.

My father sighed and looked at Lars. "I can't leave you alone for a minute, can I?

Don'thurtyourself;you'realreadyplayingbadenough."

"IhaveafeelingthatafterSaturday,I'llbeplayingmuchbetter."

Backaroundthedinnertable,IrealizedthatMadelinehadhardlytouchedherfood.

"Do you want something else?" I asked while my dad and Lars talked football. She
shookherhead."I'msorry,"Iwhispered."Ihadnoideawe'dbehavingdinnerwithmy
dadandLars.Ipromisetoraidmydad'sbestliquorwhenwe'redone."

"It'sfine,"shesaid."Iwonder...doesLarshaveagirlfriend?"
Iblinked,suddenjealousyrisingupinme."Yes,"Ilied.
"Oh." Madeline stared at me uncertainly for a moment before her lips curled up.

"Ohhh,"shegrinned.

"So,Lars,"Isaid,turningawayfromMadeline.Suddenly,Ididn'twanttotalktoher

anymore."Whatdoyourparentsdo?"

"Myparents?Nothing,asfarasIknow.MydadtookoffrightafterIwasborn,and

mymom..."Hesuckedinsomeair,andforasecond,Isawyearsofpainunderhisdark
goldenskin.Thenitwasgonejustassuddenlyasithadappeared."Ihaven'tseenmy
mominyears,"hesaidandleftitatthat.

Idon'tknowwhyIwassosurprised.IguessI'djustassumedthattogetasfarashe

had,hisparentsmust'vesupportedhimalongtheway.ButIcouldseebythewayhe
spokeaboutthemthatthatwasfarfromthetruth.

Iguesswehavesomethingsincommonafterall.
WhenLarsgotuptoleave,hesethisphoneonasidetableashewasputtingonhis

jacket.Madelineandmyfatherwerebothcrowdinghim,stilltalking.Iscoopeduphis
phone and entered my number into his address book. Then I handed it to him and
mouthedthewords,"Callme."

LARS

oddammit,Lars!Pickupyourfeetwhenyourun!"

Idroppedtheballontothefieldandspitontheground,takingmyhelmetoff

andthrowingitacrossthefield."Fuck!"

"Nowyou'rejustbeingachild,"CoachWalkersaid.
I took deep breaths in and out, trying to get my mind back in the game. I just

couldn't stop thinking about her. Clarissa. She was driving me out of my mind. I'd
texted her, and she'd agreed to meet me Saturday night, but that was still three days
away.WhatwasIsupposedtodountilthen?

How about you be a man? Better yet, be a goddam quarterback and focus on the

game!

Coachwalkedovertome."Takefive!"heyelledtotheguys.Istoodthere,waiting

forwhateveritwashewantedtosay.

"Is it drugs?" he asked. I laughed and shook my head. "No, Coach. I haven't used

drugsinyears."

"Awomanthen."Itwasn'taquestion.
Ishookmyhead,thenshruggedmyshoulders."Itcan'tbe.Womendon'tgettome

likethis."

"Theydoifthey'retherightwoman."
Ilookedathimuncertainly.ItwasstrangetalkingtohimaboutClarissawithouthis

realizingit.

"Look,Lars.You'reagreatplayer.Doyouknowhowrareitisforsomeonetocome

outofnowherelikeyoudid?Nocollegeball,justhighschool.Nospecialtraining.No
semblanceofacareerupuntilthedayyoushoweduptotryouts.Youhaveagift,and
it'smyjobtomakesureyoudon'tblowit."

The thought of losing my job as quarterback scared the shit out of me. There was

nothingelseIwasgoodatexceptbreakingfaces,andI'dmadeapromisetostopthat.
Ash'simageflashedbeforeme.Icouldn'tbeoneofthoseguysslingingburgersmaking
minimumwage.I'dspentmyentirechildhoodsleepingonafloor,andIwasn'tgoing
back.

"Look,Iappreciateit,butthat'snotyourjob,Coach—"
"Well,I'mmakingitmyjob,goddammit.Now,dowhatIsay.Getoutthereandget

yourheadonstraight.OrelseI'mgonnakickitstraight,gotme?"

Igrinnedathim."Gotit,"Isaid.
IpushedClarissaoutofmymind.Everytimeshetriedtosurface,Ithoughtofold

cartoonsormotoroiloranythingelseexceptherprecious,beautifulfaceandthosetits
likeripemelonswaitingformetosinkmyteethinto.

"Goodgame,Lars,"Coachsaidwhenweweredone."Waytopullyourselfoutofit.

NowdothesamethingtomorrowandeverydaythroughtheSuperBowl."

"Yougotit,Coach."
"Bytheway,Randall'sinmyoffice.Hewantstoseeyoubeforeyougo."
"AsinRandallNeilson,thegeneralmanager?"
"Don'tgetyourpantiesinabunch.Hejustwantstotalkcontract."
Fuck.Iwasn'texactlyintheframeofmindtotalkcontractwithRandallNielson.I

enteredtheofficeandsatacrossfromhim.

"What'sup?"Iasked.
"Yourcontract,that'swhat."
Ha.Funnyman.
"I'mgonnacutrighttoit,Lars.You'reaskingwaytoomuch.It'sunprecedentedfora

playertocomeoutofhisrookieyearandaskforthekindofmoneyyou'reaskingfor."

"Thatso?"Iasked,keepingmyheadcool.Alwaysgottokeepitcoolunderpressure.

AnimageofAsh,cradledinmyarmsasariverofbloodfelloutofhismouth,flashed
beforeme.Ipusheditaway.

"Thatisso,"hesaid."SoIsuggestyourethinkyourcontracttermsandmaybefind

someonewhocanbetterrepresentyou.Pointyouintherightdirectionsinceyou'rea
bitoutofyourelement,doingthisallonyourown."

"Fuck that," I spat. Cool. Keep it cool. I didn't like Randall. I never had. He was a

smugprickwholikedtomakeotherssweat."I'mworthit.I'vehelpedtheteamgetto
theSuperBowl,andwe'regonnawinitthisyear."

"For the kind of money you're asking for, you'd have to." He squinted his stupid,

beady eyes at me. "Not just that, though. The Giants have to win the game, and you
havetoleadthemtovictoryinit."

"Fine. Done." I said it like it was no big deal, but inside I was sweating. Randall

smiledcynicallyatme.

"Isthatafact?Justlikethat?I'lltellyouwhat,ifyoucandothat,leadtheteamto

victoryandstayoutoftrouble—bothonandoffthefield—thenyou'vegotadeal."

Myheartstopped.HadRandalljustagreedtoafiftymilliondollarcontract?Ohshit.

I'dneverseenthatmuchmoneyinmylife,exceptforwhenIwasworkingforAngelo.
Growinguppoor,I'dneverthoughtIcouldhaveevenonetenthofthat.Myheartwas
doingcartwheels.

"Youthinkyoucandothat,Lars?Stayoutoftroubleandwinusthegame?"
"That'sexactlywhatIplantodo."

CLARISSA

'msorry,canyousaythatagain?"

"Thepartisyoursifyouwantit."

"OfcourseIwantit!Thankyou.Thankyousomuch."
"I'mhappytohearit.I'llemailyoutherehearsaldetailsnow."Hepaused."Clarissa,

there'ssomethingyoushouldknow.Theotherdirector,Robert...well,youweren'this
firstchoice.Ireallyhadtogotobatforyou,butyouhavethestrongestvoiceI'veever
heard.Soplease,don'tletmedown."

"Ipromiseyou,Mr.White,Iwon't."
"Good,andit'sDavid."
"David,"Irepeated.
Thesecondwe'dhungup,IcalledMadeline."Igotthepart!"Iscreamed."Inthenew

productionofABrideforMyFather!Igotthelead!"

IttookmeasecondtorealizewhyMadelinewasn'tjumpingupanddownforjoy.
"Ohshit,"Isaid."Maddie,I'msorry.Ididn'tstoptothink."
"That'sokay,"shesaid,butIcouldhearthehurtinhervoice."Really,it'sfine.I'm

happyforyou."

"Um,Iwasgonnaaskifyouwantedtogocelebratewithme,butItotallygetitifyou

don't."

"OfcourseIdo,"shereplied,alittletoocheerily.
WemetatLola'sanhourlater,andMadelinewaspoundingbacktheshotslikeI'd

neverseenherdo.

"Congratulations," she said, lifting her glass to mine. They clinked together, and I

pouredthevodkadownmythroat.Itburnedandkeptburning.Suddenly,Irealizedit
wasabouttocomerightbackupagain.IflungmypurseintoMadeline'sarmsandran
tothebathroom.Imadeitjustintimebeforespewingmydinnerintothetoiletbowl.I
satontheflooraminute,wonderingwhatsortofgunkandgermsIwasgettingonme,
thenslowlystoodupandmademywaybacktoMadeline.Shehandedmemypurse.
Thelatchwasopen,andatissuetriedtofallout.Isnappeditshutandlookedather.

"Youdon'tlooksogood,"shesaid.
"Idon'tfeelsogood.YoumindifItakeoff?"
"Sure." It hurt that her spirits seemed to lighten when I announced I was leaving.

"I'llcallyoutomorrow."

I walked outside and breathed in the cool night air. For a moment, I felt much

better.ThenIbentoverandhurledintothetrashcan.

The next morning was only slightly better. I threw up once and sat on the floor

leaningagainstthetoilet.Ilookedunderthesinkforaboxoftissueandsawadifferent
boxsittingthere.AboxIjustrealized,thatIshouldhavealreadybeenhalfwaythrough
thismonth.

"OhmyGod.Itcan'tbe."Igrabbedmyphoneandlookedatthecalendar.Iwasover

aweeklate."Nofuckingway."

Thestoreofferedendlessboxesofpregnancytests.Ihadnoideawhichwasthebest,

soIboughtthemall.Imagesofmylarge,pregnantbellywalkingacrosstheBroadway
stagemademewanttocry.Thiswassonottherighttime.

Twohoursandagallonofwaterlater,Ihadgonethroughtendifferentpregnancy

tests.Theyhadallcomeupwiththesameconclusion.Pregnant.Positive.Thepinkplus
sign.

"Fuck,"Isaid,slammingmyfistsontothefloorofthebathroomwhereIsat.
My head suddenly shot up. I was supposed to see Lars tomorrow. We had a date.

TherewasnowayIcouldwaitthatlongtotellhim.Iknewmyselftoowell.IfIdidn't
tellhimtoday,thissecond,Iwouldchickenout.

I grabbed my keys and got in my car, heading for the stadium as fast as I could

withoutgettingaticket.Thenagain,fucktheticket,Ithought,andslammeddownhard
ontheaccelerator.

LARS

reyoucoming,man?We'reallheadingdowntoToad'sTavern."Philwaswaiting
bythelockerroomexit.

"No,man.Yougoahead.I'mmeetingsomeonehere."
Philgrinnedatme."Agirl?"
Igrinnedback."AsfarasIknow."
"Well,makesureyougiveittoherrealgood,forme.It'sbeentoolongsinceIgot

laid.Almostafullforty-eighthours."

Ithrewatowelathim,andhewalkedoff,laughing.
Clarissahadtextedmeduringbreakandaskedifshecouldseemetonightinsteadof

tomorrow. Of course I'd said yes. I figured that the sooner I fucked her again, the
soonerIcouldgetheroutofmysystem.Thenitwouldbeeasierformetoconcentrate.

"Hi,Lars,"awoman'svoicesaid.IsatuponthebenchandsawClarissa'sfriendfrom

dinnerstandingthere.

"Madeline?" I asked. I looked around the locker room. We were alone. "What are

youdoinghere?Howdidyougetin?"

"Iwantedtoseeyou,"shesaid,walkingtowardme.Shewaswearingaminidress

withhookerheelsthatmadeheralmostastallasme.Therewaslittledoubtastohow
shehadgottenin.Thesecurityguardswouldhavetakenonelookatherandassumed
oneofushadboughtandpaidforhercompany.Ihadnoideahowshecouldwalkin
thoseheelsastheyclackedacrossthefloor.Herlegswereassmoothassatin.Myheart
startedtopound.

"Madeline,"Isaid.Shewouldn'ttakehereyesoffme."I'mexpectingsomeone."
"Iknow.Me."
Istaredblanklyather."You?"
"I got your number from Clarissa's phone. I hope you don't mind my little

deception."

I looked at the text I'd received from Clarissa and suddenly realized that it wasn't

Clarissa'snumber.Ithadsimplysaid,ThisisClarissa.Iwanttoseeyou.Whereareyou?

"I'mnotinterested,"Itoldher.Shepaused,andIsawashadowofdoubtflashacross

herface.

"IsitClarissa?"sheasked."Issheyourgirlfriend?"
"What?No!Idon'tdogirlfriends."

"Good,"shesaid,resumingherwalk.Herporcelainskinstretchedtowardme,luring

meinlikeasiren'scall."Thenyoushouldhavenoproblemdoingme."

"Ijust...Ican't."
"Whycan'tyou?"shewhispered.Shereachedoutwithfingersaslightascottonand

touched the mass between my legs. I couldn't stop the blood from surging forward
downthere.

"You don't waste time, do you?" I asked her, fighting my desire. Suddenly, I

wonderedwhatIwasfightingitfor.Shewasn'tashotasClarissa,butshewasstillhot.
Besides,maybeifIfuckedher,IcouldgetClarissaoutofmysystemforgood.Thinking
aboutherallthetimewasonlydraggingdownmyplaying.

IpulledMadelinetomeandwrappedmyarmsaroundher.Shewaswearingoneof

those dresses with a completely open back, showing off her skin, which was milky
whiteandsmoothassatin.

Whenshepressedherlipstomine,Itastedgrapefruitandrose-scentedcandles.Her

lipsweresoft,andIfocusedonthemratherthanClarissa'sface.Ibrushedmytongue
alongthem,tastingher,beforegrabbingherassandrunningmyhandsupherthighs.

"Whatthefuck!"Clarissa'svoicerangloudlyacrossthelockerroom.IfeltMadeline

tenseinmyarms,andwebothturnedatthesametimetoseeClarissastandingthere,
herjawopen.Hereyesblazedwithanger.

"Clarissa,"Isaid,forgettingMadelinecompletely.
"Fuckyou,Lars.Don'teverspeaktomeagain.Eitherofyou."Thensheturnedand

ranfromthelockerroom.

CLARISSA

larissa

What the fuck was Madeline doing with her tongue down Lars' throat? I rushed

fromthelockerroombacktotheparkinglotI'djustcomefrom.Larswasanasshole.I
should'veknownthat.Hewasaman.Allmenwereassholes.Whentheysawapretty
girl, all they could do was think with their dicks. But Madeline...I couldn't remember
thelasttimeI'dfeltsobetrayed.SheknewdamnedwellwhoLarswas,andsheknew
damnedwellthatIlikedhim.Atleastalittle.

I stumbled over my feet as I raced for the car and went sprawling over the

pavement.

"Clarissa!"Larswasrunningafterme.
"Pissoff,Lars,"Isaid,shakinghimoffashetriedtohelpmeup.
"Wouldyoupleasejustlistentomeforasecond?"
"No!"Igotmyfeetmovingagainanddugintomypurseformykeys.
"Dammit! Listen! I'm sorry you saw that." He said it quickly, as if any form of

atonementwasahurdleforhimtojumpover.

Istoppedandstaredathim."Whatkindofshitapologyisthat?"Idemanded.
HisfaceflushedalittleasInarrowedmyeyesathim.
"Youknow,Idon'tthinkIdidanythingwronghere.Notreally."Myeyeswidenedas

hecontinuedtalking,spewingforthhisidiocy."It'snotlikewe'reengaged."

I laughed, unable to believe his egotism or stupidity or whatever it was that had

madehisbrainshrinktothesizeofapeanut.

"IjustcaughtyoufuckingMadeline!"Iscreamed."Mybestfriend!YouandIhavea

datetomorrownight.Couldyouseriouslynothavewaitedtwenty-fourhourstospread
yourseed?"

MycheeksreddenedwhenIrealizedwhatI'djustimpliedwithmystatement.
"Imean,notthatyouweregonnagettofuckme,"Isaidfeebly,takingmyeyesoff

his body and moving away from him. I didn't want to look at the hard, undulating
musclespulsatingbeneaththesoftcottonofhisshirtasitstretchedoverhisskin.Why
washewearingsuchathinshirtanyway?Icouldseethedefinitionofhischestashe
breathedinandout.In...thehardplanesofhischestroseupintosolidstonemountain
peaks; out...the muscles descended back into him, leaving ripples of brawny flesh
hidingjustunderthethinfabricofhisshirt.

"Firstofall,Iwasn'tfuckingher.Iwaskissingher.There'squiteadifferencethere,

wouldn'tyousay?"

"Notabigenoughone."
IrealizedthatIhadstoppedsearchingformykeys.Larswashypnotizingmewith

hiseyesandtheevenrhythmofhisbreath.Whydidhehavetolooksogoodwhenhe
wasangry?God,howwasIsupposedtothinkstraightwhenhewaswalkingtowardme
with that look in his eyes? I tried to focus on my anger, but it kept getting laid aside,
forgotten,ashesteppednearertome,hissun-kissedskinshininginthesunlight.

"Clarissa,"hesaid,hisstronghandsreachingformydelicateones.
Itriedtoturnaway,buthepulledmeback.
"Clarissa,I'msorryifIhurtyou.You'reright.Thatwasashitthingtodo.Ishould

neverhavetouchedyourfriend."

"Damnright!"Iyelled,stilltryingtobeangrywithhim.Butsomehow,hishandshad

foundtheirwaytothesmallofmyback.Theywerepressingagainstitnow,running
long, thick fingers under my shirt and over my spine. When had he started to touch
me? I couldn't shake my head clear. The world around me was fading fast, and all I
could see was Lars. His face. His eyes. His mouth. His tongue slid out between his
luscious, pink lips and moistened them with enough wetness to leave a sheen. I
couldn'ttakeanymore.Icrushedmylipsagainsthis,stickingmytonguedeepintothe
backofhisthroat,makingitmymissiontoticklehistonsils.

HekissedmebackwithmoistlipsandahardpassionthatIcouldfeelrisingupfrom

deep within his core. We pressed our bodies together. Arms wrapped around each
other.Ourlipsburnedandtangledtogetherinaslowtangothatmademyheartbeat
wildly in my chest. My panties grew moist as Lars slipped his fingers under my
waistband.

Suddenly, there was a cough. I opened my eyes and looked over to see Madeline

standingintheshadows,watchingus.Iwasn'tsurewhethershewastryingtohideorif
shejustwantedtogetagoodlook.Maybethiswassomesortofsickjoketoher.Lars
didn'tevennoticeheruntilIpushedhimaway.Ofcoursenot.Hewasaman.Andan
idiot.

"What'swrong?"heasked,lookingbewildered.
"Are you serious? Are you really this dumb? Tell me you at least made it through

elementaryschool."

HislipsthinnedasIpulledback,unrelentinginmyverbalassault.SeeingMadeline

standingtherehadreignitedmyanger.Noamountoflustcouldputoutthefireraging
withinmenow.Ifanything,itonlymadetheangerworse.

"You might as well fuck her," I spat at Lars, "because you're never touching me

again. And you!" I screamed, turning now on Madeline, but there were no words I
could think of to express the betrayal I felt in my heart. "Go fuck yourself!" I said,
decidingthatsometimesasimple,declarativestatementwasenough."Stayawayfrom
me,bothofyou."

ThenIturnedmybackonthem.Larsreachedoutandgrabbedmywrist.Hisgrip

wasn'thard,andIknewhedidn'tmeananythingbyitotherthanwantingtostopme,
but in my already fragile state, it was the last straw. I spun around and slapped him.
Hard.Itwasinstinctual,andforamoment,theshockregisteredacrossbothourfaces.

ThenitwasgoneandIwasinmycar,closingthedoorandsuccessfullyholdingback
thetearsuntilIwassafelyoutoftheirsight.

LARS

watched Clarissa speed out of the parking lot, pissed as all hell but without a clear

directiononwho,exactly,tobepissedat.Iwasmadather.Iwasmadatmyself.Iwas
madatMadeline.Angerwasn'texactlynewtome,andIwasn'tknownforhandlingmy
temperwell.Clarissa'sattacksonmyintelligencestillstung.They'dhitalittletooclose
to home. I'd barely made it through school and had never even considered college. I
wasn'texactlycollegematerial.MostguysfromVinegarHillweren't.

IspunonMadeline,whostoodthereinherheelsandminidresslookinglikeshe'd

justcomefromworkatastripclub.

"Whatthehelldidyoucomedownhereforanyway?"Ispat.
"Iwantedtoseeyou,"shesaid,battingherlonglashesuncertainlyinmydirection.
This chick made no sense to me. She'd been checking me out during dinner at

Coach'sbuthadn'ttalkedtomesincethatnight.Iplayedbackthatdinnerinmymind.
Had I said or done anything to lead her on? Hell no. I’d still been trying to get into
Clarissa'spantiesagain,andI'dbeendesperatetogetheralonethatnight.Madelinehad
beennomorethanabuginmyeye,ifthat.

Icouldn'tholdbackthelaughbubblingupfromdeepinsideme.Noneofthiswas

funny.Ididn'tknowwhyIwaslaughing,exceptthatthewholethingsuddenlyseemed
likesomedaytimesoapopera.DidtheystillhavethoseonTV?

"Youwantedtoseeme?"IscoffedatMadeline,usingherownwordsagainsther.If

Tonywerehere,he'dprobablytellmetogooverthereandgiveherwhatshewants.If
Ash were here, he'd tell me to watch myself. I couldn't have them both. Right now
though,Iwasn'tsureIwantedeitherone.

"Inmyexperience,Madeline,friendsdon'ttrytofucktheirbestfriends'boyfriends.

WhereIcomefrom,apersoncouldgetshotmessingaroundlikethat."

"Ohplease,"Madelinesaid."Don'tactallhurt.You'refarfromClarissa'sboyfriend."
Ohshit.
HadIjustusedthe"B"wordtalkingaboutmeandClarissa?Boyfriend?Fuckthat.No

way.Notafteronescrewinadarkalley.Evenifitwasthebestsexofmylife.Suddenly
asoftbreezeblewovermyskin,warmforJanuary,andIcouldn'thelpcomparingitto
thefeelofClarissa'sbreathonmyneckasshe'dkisseditwhileI'dmovedinsideher.I
shookmyhead,clearingit.Thiswasallgettingwaytoocomplicated.

"Look,let'sjustforgetthis,"ItoldMadeline,wantingtogetoutofherenowmyself.I

wasgladmykeyswereinmypocketsoIwouldn'thavetogobackintothestadium.

"What do you mean forget it?" Madeline asked. Her eyes looked like those of an

escapedmentalpatient,andherlegswobbledunsteadilyasshemovedtowardme.She
gottomefastandflungherarmsaroundmyneck.Ipulledthemoffandpushedher
away.

"What'swrongwithyou?"Iasked.
"Nothing.Icamedownhereforsomething,andI'mjustdeterminedtogetit,that's

all."

Suddenly, Madeline's problem crystallized before me. "You're jealous," I said,

bewildered.Ididn'tknowwhatMadelinehadtobejealousabout.Shewasn'tashotas
Clarissa,butshewasstillplentygoodlooking.

"Goddammit!" she shouted. "I'm not jealous. I want you to fuck me! Now!" She

poundedherfistagainstherthighlikeachildthrowingatantrum.

"You'resojealousyoucan'tseestraight,canyou?"Isaid,myaccusationmakingher

cheeksburn."Idon'tknowwhatitis,butyou'vegotitbad."

Shelaughed,pacingbackandforth."Whatever,Lars."
"Whatever yourself. Get out of here. I've got no use for you. I'm not interested in

whateveryou'reselling."

My words must have hit her harder than I'd intended. Suddenly, her fists were

flyingthroughtheairasshetriedtopunchme.Isteppedoutofherwayjustasherfist
flewtowardmyjaw.Shetrippedandfell,smackingherfaceintothepavement.Iheard
aloudcrack,andwhenshelookedupatme,hernosewasbleeding.

"Are you okay?" I asked, not wanting to touch her but also unable to stop myself

fromhelpinganinjuredwoman.

"Getoffme,youasshole,"shespatwhenItriedtohelpherup.Shestooduponher

own,glaringatmewithhatredinhereyesasIletgoandthrewmyhandsintotheair.
I'dhadenoughofthis.Iheadedtowardmymotorcycle,leavingherstandingalonein
anemptyparkinglot.

"Fuckyou,Lars!"shescreamedasmyengineroaredtolife.Ishouldn'thavebeen

abletomakeoutherfinalwordsovertheroaroftheengine,butshewasasloudasa
chainsaw. Her words were clear and carried through the air with precision. "I'll get
evenwithyouforthis,Lars,ifit'sthelastthingIdo!"

CLARISSA

twasanewday.ItriedtoputeverythingoutofmymindexcepttherehearsalIhad

coming up in a couple of hours. It was my first real rehearsal for a major Broadway
production, and I couldn't be more excited. At the same time, I had this dark, baby-
shapedcloudhangingoverme.Istareddownatmystomachandlaidonehandgently
overit,wonderinghowthismightaffectwardrobe.Mystomachstartedtogurgle,andI
rantothebathroom,justmakingittothetoiletbowlbeforeIthrewup.

"Ugghh,"Isighed,standingupandrinsingmymouthoutwithmouthwash.Ihated

puking.TheideaImightdothisformonthsmademefeelqueasyalloveragain.

Thedoorbellrang.Iopeneditandsuddenlythequeasinesswasforgotten.Madeline

stoodstaringatme.Hereyeswereredandhercheekswerestainedwithtears.Aclump
of dark brown hair was matted to her forehead and a massive bruise had formed on
herrightcheek.Iwasatonceworriedforherandangrywithher.

"Madeline," I said, "um..." I wanted to tell her to leave, that I had rehearsal and

couldn'tbebotheredwithbackstabberslikeher,buthereyespleadedwithmetoinvite
herinside.Intheend,hertearswonoutandIopenedthedoorwider,steppingasideto
letherin.Shemightbemyex-bestfriend,butshewasstillaperson—ifIwashonest,
she was still a person I cared about; after all, you couldn't just erase friendship
overnight—lookingatmelikeshe'djustbeenhitbyafreighttruck.Literally.

"Madeline...areyouokay?Whathappenedtoyourface?"
Shestoodamomentwithhershouldersshakingasfreshtearsrandownhercheeks.

Thenshethrewherarmsaroundmeinagiantbearhug."C-Clarissa.I'ms-s-sorry,"she
wailed. Her whole body shook as she cried against my shoulder. I couldn't decide
whethertopushherawayorembraceherback.

"Madeline," I finally said, pushing her gently from me. "I'm...I'm surprised to see

youhere."

"Iknow,"shesighed,herchestheavingasshefoughttogethertearsundercontrol.

"I just feel terrible about yesterday. I didn't mean...I wasn't thinking. You're my best
friendand...I'msorry."

"You'resorry?"Iasked,angerbubblingslowlyinsidemelikesteaminakettle."How

couldyoudothattome?YouknewIlikedLars,didn'tyou?"

She nodded her head. I sighed and walked to the couch, Madeline trailing behind

me.Wesatnexttoeachotherinawkwardsilence.

"I'm sorry," Madeline said again. "I shouldn't have gone to the stadium." Her

apologyseemedgenuine,andIfeltmyselfsoftening.

"Whydidyouthen?"Iasked.
Thealarmonmyphonesuddenlyletoutalong,shrillscreechthatmadebothour

earsbleed.Ijumpedupandshutitoff,stickingitintomypocket.

"Look, I've got my first rehearsal today. I've gotta go. Maybe we can talk later. If

there'sanythingelseyouwanttosayrightnow,youcantextme."

Madeline'sbrowneyesdarkenedassherosetoherfeet."Rehearsal?"
"Yeah.Rehearsalsstarttoday."
"ForABrideforMyFather?"
"Yes,"Isaid,exasperated."HowmanyBroadwayshowsdoyouthinkI'vegotright

now?"

"It's just...I thought that you weren't, I mean, that maybe you weren't doing the

showanymore."

"Whywouldyouthinkthat?"Iasked,bewildered.
"You didn't...change your mind? No one's called you? What about that director,

Jerry?Ithoughtyousaidhedidn'tcareforyoutoomuch."

Igrabbedmycoatfromthecloset,annoyedatwhatevershewasgettingat.Shewas

lookingatmewithanoddexpressionIdidn'thavetimefor.

"Hedidn't.ButPhildoes,andheoutranksJerry."
Something in Madeline's eyes flickered. I didn't have time to sort out whatever

bullshitshewasgoingthrough,though.Icouldn'tbelatetomyfirstrehearsal.

"I'vegottago,okay?"Shewasstartingtoirritatemealloveragain."Textmeifyou

need to." I took one last look at the bruise on her face as I swung my coat over my
shoulders.Icouldn'thelpbutfeelalittlebitbadforher.Itlookedlikeithurt."Areyou
sureyou'reokay?Thatbruiselooksbad.Didyoufall?"

Suddenly, Madeline's whole temperament changed. Instead of looking at me as

thoughIwerespeakingHebrew,sherevertedbacktocryinglikeshe'dbeenwhenshe
firstcamein,onlythistimethesobswerelouderandmorealarming.

"Madeline?"Iasked,movingtothecouch."Look,I'mmadatyourightnow,butif

something'swrong—"

"Hehitme!"sheblurted.
Iblinked."Who?"
"Lars!Afteryouleftyesterday,hewentcrazy."
"Larshityou!"Ihollered,risingfromthecouch.Itcouldn'tbetrue.
Madelinewasnodding,tearsfallingfastandlooseoverhercheeks.Hereyeswere

puffing up. “I went down to the stadium yesterday to find you. I didn't even think, I
mean... h-he was in the locker room, and when he saw me he started flirting, and
then..."

"Wait,areyousaying..."Iwastryingtowrapmyheadaroundthisnewinformation.

"AreyousayingthatLarskissedyou,youdidn'tkisshim?"Shenoddedfuriously.

"I told him to stop. I tried to pull away, but he just kept kissing me. If you hadn't

walkedinwhenyoudid,Idon'tknowwhatwouldhavehappened."

Icouldn'tbelievewhatMaddiewassaying,yetitmadealotmoresensetomethan

MadelinegoingafterLars.Hewasaknownwomanizer.Heprobablythoughtwomen

should be dropping to his feet around him. If Madeline had resisted, it had probably
pissedhimoff.

"OhGod,"Isaid,fallingbackontothecouch.Myheadsunkintomyhandsaslarge

tearsformedinmyeyesnow.IpulledMaddieintomyarms."Whydidn'tyoutellme
thisyesterday?"

"Youweresomad.Ididn'tthinkyou'dbelieveme."
"OhGod,Maddie.Yousaidhehityou!Didhe...doanythingelse?"
"No,"sheshookherhead."Hewasjustrealmadafteryouleft,andwhenItriedto

leavetoo,Ithinkhejusttookitoutonme.Heslappedmeonce,andthenhegotonthat
goddamnmotorcycleofhisandrodeoff,leavingmethere."

"Jesus,Ifeellikesuchanass.I'msosorry.Ishouldhavestoppedtothink.WhenI

saw the two of you yesterday, I just..." My bottom lip quivered as the reason for my
rushingtothestadiumcamefloodingback.Itwasn'tasifI'dforgottenIwaspregnant,
butforamoment,I'dbeenabletoputitoutofmymind.

"It'sokay,"Madelinesaid,tryingtocomfortmenowthatIwastheonesobbing.My

shouldersshookupanddown,andIknewI'dnevermakeittorehearsalintimenow.If
Idid,I'dlooklikeawreck.

"It'snotyourfault,"Madelinesaid."Youdidn'tknow."
I shook my head. "It's not just that,” I bellowed. I took a deep breath, suddenly

desperatetotellsomeone.Icouldn'tholdthisinanylonger."I'mpregnant."

Just saying the words aloud made my heart race. Maddie was the first person I'd

told,andIdidn'tthinkIcouldsayitagainifshehadn'theardme.

"You're...pregnant?"sheaskedslowly,comprehensiontakingitstime.
Inodded.
"Whose..."Ilookedather,andhereyeswidened."Noway.Lars?"
I kept nodding, unable to stop. There was something oddly comforting about the

rhythmofasteadynod.

"When?"
"Aboutaweekago.ThatnightatthebarafterI'dthoughtI'dbombedtheaudition."
"Christ, Clarissa. What are you gonna do? You know you can't be pregnant on

Broadway,right?HaveyoutoldLars?"

"No.That'swhyIwentdownthereyesterday.Totalktohim."
Wesatinsilencebeforeshespoke."Look,ifI'mnottheoneplayingthatpart,then

youhavetobe.Youneedtogetanabortion."

"I don't know if I can..." I said, already picturing the clinic with their cold sterile

rooms.

"Youhaveto,"sheinsisted."Iwon'tletyoufuckupyourcareer.You'veworkedtoo

hardforthis."

"Iknow,Ijust—"
"That'sit.Nomorediscussion.Youcan'thavethatmonster'sbaby.Thinkaboutwhat

hetriedtodotome.Lookatmyface."Madeline'sblackandbluemarksstaredbackat
me,areminderofLars'violenttemper.

"You'reright,"Isaid."I'llmakeanappointmentforthemorning."

LARS

pulleduptothestadiumandcutmybike'sengine.I'dalwaysbeenbetteratdriving

drunk than walking drunk. I stumbled my way into the locker room and realized
everyoneelsewasalreadyuptop.They'dstartedpracticeahalfhourago.

Shit.Coachisgonnakillme.
IletoutaloudhiccupasImademywaytothefield.Theguyswerealreadyrunning

plays.Coachsawmeandcameover.

"Thereyouare,"hesaid."ThoughtIwasgonnahavetosendoutagoddamnsearch

party." He stared at me intently as I tried to stand straight. I couldn't believe I was
lettingawomangettomelikethis.Ifeltlikeapatheticasshole.Oneofthoselosersyou
seeonsometalkshow,spillingtheirgutsabouttheirlonglostlove.

Shehadrefusedtotakeanyofmyphonecallslastnight.Shehadn'tevenresponded

to my texts. Whatever. I was done with her. I had to be. She was no good for me. I
wonderedwhatCoachWalkerwouldsayifheknewI'dfuckedhisdaughter.Wouldhe
kickmyass?Probably.Definitely.

"OhJesus,"hesaid,lookingatmewithnarrowedeyes.Hesteppedcloserandsniffed

theair."You'redrunk."

"No,I'mfine,Coach.Really.Ijusthadafewbeersearlier,that'sall.”
"It'snoon."
"Yeah.So?"
"For fuck's sake, Lars. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you trying to get

yourselfkickedofftheteam?Doyouwannalosethatcushynewcontractyou'vesetup
foryourself?Ifmanagementgetswindofthis,theywillpullthatmoneyfromyouso
fastyouwon'thavetimetoblink."

"Coach,I'msorry—"
"No,I'msorry.I'msorryforstickingupforastupidassholelikeyou!"
"I'mnotstupid!"Ishoutedbackathim.
"Oh yeah? What else do you call coming to practice drunk? This is your shot, and

you'reblowingit.Playerslikeyouareunheardof,Lars!Withnofootballincollege,no
semi-pro teams, no nothing, you made it to the big leagues. Do you know how many
guys would give their right arm to be where you are now? Or how many kids are
lookinguptoyou?Andthisistheexampleyousetforthem?"

Icouldfeeltheheatcreepingupmyneckandintomyface."Ididn'taskforkidsto

belookinguptome,"Igrowled,almostnauseousatthethought."I'mnotthekindof
mankidsshouldhaveanythingtodowith."

"You'reexactlythekindofmankidsshouldlookupto.Theyneedtoknowthatjust

because they don't have money and come from nowhere, they can still dream. They
canstillmakeit."

I'dneverseenCoachWalker'seyesburnwithsuchintensity.
"Now, go get back down into that locker room and get your head together. For

yourself,forthepeoplelookinguptoyou,andforyourgoddamnteam!"

He turned to see Matt Barton and the rest of the team watching us, listening to

everything we were saying. "Did I tell you knuckleheads to stop? Get back out there!
NOW!"

Coachhurriedbackandleftmetomywalkofshamedowntothelockerroom.
"He'sright,"Imumbled."Iamanasshole."
Isatonthebenchinthelockerroomwithmycompressionpantsstillon,butItook

myjerseyoffandletthebenchcoolmyskin.MyheadwasdizzywitheverythingCoach
hadsaid.Myphonebeeped,andIlookeddowntoseeatextfromMadeline.

Wannacomeoutandplay?I'vegotasurpriseforyou.
I ignored her message, not giving a shit what her surprise might be and called

Clarissainstead.Maybetheproblemwasn'tthatIwasstuckonher,itwasthatIwasn't
stuckonherenough.Ifonlyshewouldtakemycallsorletmekissheragain.Fuck.I
soundedlikeapussy.ThekindofguyAngeloandtheothersusedtocrackjokesabout
longago.Itseemedathousandlifetimesagonow.

Ashwastheonlyonewho'devermadeitseemokaytohavefeelings.Angelohad

alwaysrecommendedpushingthemwaydowndeepinsideyousothatyoudidn'tfeel
anything.WhowouldIratherlistento?Angelo,themobbosswhohadkilledcountless
people since I'd known him, or Ash, the best guy I'd ever known besides Coach? The
onlyguyinVinegarHillwho'dcaredenoughaboutmetotellmetogetoutwhileIstill
could.

Clarissa'sphonewasringing.Sheeitherdidn'twanttoanswerorwastoobusydoing

something else. I suspected it was the first one. I was about to put my phone away
whenAsh'simagepassedthroughmymind.Suddenly,forthefirsttimesinceleaving
VinegarHill,Ifelthomesick.

I dialed Tony's number, not at all certain whether it would still work. The last I'd

heardfromhim,he'dwantedtogetoutfromunderAngelojustlikeIhad.

"Hello?"agruffvoiceansweredthephone.
"Tony?"
"Who'sasking?"
"It'sLars."
Silence.
"Hoolyy shhiiit! Lars? Fuck, man. It's been so long I didn't recognize your voice.

Howthehellareyou?Youknow,weallwatchyoudownhere.We'vegotalittlepool
goingaboutwhetherornotyou'regonnabombitintheSuperBowl."

"Areyoubettingformeoragainstme?"Iasked,grinning,alreadygladthatI'dcalled

him.

"Foryou,buddy.Ineverbetagainstamanafterwe'vebeenshotattogether.You

knowmebetterthanthat."

We laughed and talked like we'd just seen each other yesterday. There were no

awkwardpauses.Itfeltgoodtohaveafriendagain.

"So,howarethingswithAngelo?"Iasked,notsurehecouldtalkaboutitnowthatI

wasout.

"Wouldn'tknow,"hetoldme."Igotoutjustafteryoudid."
"Youdid?IwishI'dknown."
"Whatfor?SoyoucouldsendmeacongratscardlikeI'msomefuckneckwhojust

graduated outta some Ivy League school? No, man, you were right to cut ties. They
haveawayofhaulingyoubackjustwhenyouthoughtyouwereout."

I paused on that thought, wondering if that's why I had waited so long to talk to

Tony.I'dwantedtomakesurethatIwasreallyoutofAngelo'sgang,outofVinegarHill,
outofthebusinessofnotcaringaboutmyself...beforesayinghellotothatoldlifeagain.

"Hey,Lars..."Tonypaused.Icouldalmosthearhimthinking.
"Whatisit,man?"
"When'sthelasttimeyoutalkedtoyourmom?"
"My mom?" I asked, surprised. "Shit, man, not in...six or seven years. Not since

senioryearwhenIlefthome."

"Didyouleaveordidshekickyouout?"hejoked.
"Alittleofboth,"Igrinned."Why?"
"She'sback."
IwassilentforafullminutewhileIletthatsinkin.
"InVinegarHill?"
"Yeah.Theoldhouse."
"Fuck.She'sbackinthatshithole?TheroofwascavinginwhenIwasseventeen.I'd

betaseason'ssalarynoone'sfixeditsincethen."

"You'dberight."
"What the hell is she doing back there? I thought she was in California or

somewherewarm."

"My mom says she didn't have a lot of money after the divorce. I guess the fuck

neckgotitall.Andtheydidn'thavemuchtobeginwith."

"Divorced? What the fuck? When did she get married?" I was bothered that Tony

knewmoreaboutmymomthanIdid.

"Youshouldcomedownandseeher,man."
"FuckVinegarHill."
"No, Lars, don't do that, man. This place is a part of you. Me... Ash... your mom...

we're all a part of this place, too. You can leave home, but you can't forget it. I think
withaplacelikethis,it'simportantyoudon'tforget.Don'teventry."

"Whynot?"
"Becauseitwaitsforyoutoforgetandthenpullsyoubackin."
"Notme,man."
"Neversaynever."

CLARISSA

ehearsalcouldn'tbegoingworse.Ifeltlikeeveryorificeofmybodywassweating.I

couldn'tkeepmynervesatbay.

Phil approached me from his director's chair. He put one hand gently on my

shoulder and looked at me through his thick-rimmed glasses. I was glad that it had
turnedoutPhilwasthedirectorandJerrywasjusthisassistantdirector.Formysake,it
couldn'thaveworkedoutbetter.Jerryhadbeenshootingmedaggersallafternoon.I
couldtelltheonlythingkeepingmeherewasPhil.

"Listen,Clarissa.YouhavethemostbeautifulvoiceI'veeverheard.That'swhywe

gaveyouthispart.But..."hehesitated,searchingfortherightwords."Youneedtoget
someconfidence.Whenyou'resinging,stopstaringatthefloor.Walkacrossthestage
withyourheadup.Doyouunderstand?"

Inoddedvehemently."Absolutely."
"Good. Let's try it again, shall we? And don't worry too much; this is just the first

rehearsal.Wehavemanymoretogo."

Ismiledandtriedtolookasthoughhiscommentshadn'tbotheredme,butinsideI

was dying. Despite whatever encouragement Phil tried to say, all I heard was, stop
suckingandsingbetter.Iopenedmymouthandletthesongcarrymeacrossthestage.
Thenotewaspureandcrisp,untilIcaughtsightofJerryrollinghiseyes.Suddenly,my
voicecracked.

Shit.
"That'sokay,tryagain,"Philsaid.
IheardJerrymuttersomethingunderhisbreathbutcouldn'tmakeitout.
Themusicstarted,andIwalkedacrossthestage,theeyesoftheothercastmembers

trained on me. The rehearsal space wasn't nearly as big as the auditorium where we
would be performing the actual show. The crew was already building the set, and I
knewthatifthisshowwentwellitwouldmakemycareer.

Ilookeddownatthestageandcaughtsightofmybelly.Inmymind,ithadalready

grown several inches. Any gurgle or noise it made was my baby kicking in me, even
though I knew it didn't have feet yet. I had no idea what to do. I'd made the
appointmentfortomorrowmorning,butIjustdidn'tknowwhetherIcouldgothrough
withitornot.

Myvoicecrackedagain.

Shit.
"Oh for God's sake!" Jerry cried. "She can't even get through the first rehearsal

withouthervoicesoundinglikeaboygoingthroughpuberty."

Iblusheddeeply,embarrassedandangryatthesametime.Myvoicewasoneofthe

thingsIlovedmostaboutmyself.Icouldn'tbelieveitwasfailingmenow.

"Justcalmdown,"Philsaid.
"Weshould'vegonewiththatbrunette."
"Oh,please.Youonlylikeherbecauseshesuckedyourcockyesterdaythinkingyou

wereinchargehere.ShewantedtogetClarissa'spart."

"Well,itworked.IneverwantedClarissainthefirstplace."
"Exceptthatcallisn'tyourstomake,isit?"
"Fuckyou,Phil."
"Fuckyou,Jerry."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did directors always argue like this? Had

somepoorgirlreallysuckedJerry'scockhopingtotakemypartawayfromme?Iwas
horrified at the idea. The directors were talking about me like I wasn't even here,
listeningtoeverywordtheyweresaying.

"Clarissa,honey,"Philwasspeakingtomeagain."IgnoreeverythingJerryjustsaid.

You'redoinggreat.Startover."

Themusicstarted,andmymouthopened.Myvoicecameoutinasqueak.
Jerrythrewhishandsupintheair.Philglaredathimbeforecomingbackoverto

me.

"Why don't we call it a day and try again tomorrow. Wardrobe needs to see you

anyway.Theyneedyourmeasurements."

"Um,okay,"Isaid,myhearthammeringinmychest.Saysomething!Fixthis!"Sorry

abouttoday.I'mjustnervous,Iguess."Ifmydadhadbeenhere,thiswouldhavebeen
alltheincentiveheneededtotellmeIwasasbadasingerashe'dalwaysthoughtIwas
andhadnohopeinthisbusiness.Hell,he'dprobablytellthedirectorstofiremeand
commendthemwhentheydid.

"Don't worry, Clarissa. Nerves always hit the worst on the first day. You'll be fine

tomorrow, I promise." I smiled, grateful for his reassurances even if I didn't believe
them.

IwasheadedforthedoorwhenIheardJerry'sloud,blusteringvoicecarrythrough

theopenauditorium."Toldyouso."

"Fine,"Philreplied."Twomorerehearsals,andifthereareanyotherproblems,she's

gone."

LARS

twasearlywhenIshowedup.Notevennine.I'dhadtocomeearlybeforetheday

unfoldedandIlostmynerve.Coachhadtextedearlythismorningthattoday'spractice
wascanceledonaccountoftheweather,soIdecidedIhadbetternotwastesucharare
opportunity.Coachnevercanceledpractice.

The old red brick building was still standing, which was more than I could say for

theroof.Orthedoor.Orthenon-existentgrass.Ihopedtherainthatwasfallingwasn't
goingstraightthroughtheroof.Ihadn'tseenthishousesinceI’dleftitatseventeen.I
never thought I'd be back. From the outside, it didn't look as though anything had
changed. I knocked tentatively on the door. Too tentatively. I couldn't even hear it,
howwasshesupposedto?Iliftedmyhandtoknockagainwhenthedoorswungopen.

Mymom'sshockedfacestaredbackatme."Lars,"shesaid,hervoicewavering.
"Hi,Mom."
We stared at each other in silence for a moment before I worked up the nerve to

starttalking."Iheardyouwereback.ThoughtI'dcomebyandsayhi."

Her eyes narrowed. Her hair was as dark as mine, even at forty. Maria Kaine had

neverbeenonetotakeshitfrompeople.Icouldseethattraitstillresidinginhernow.
"Aftersixyears,youthoughtyou'dcomebyandsayhi?"sheasked,herlipsthinand
tight.

"I..."ButIrealizednowthatIhadn'tthoughtthisthroughverywell."I'llgo,"Isaid,

and stepped out from under the patched-up awning that had been keeping me semi-
dry.Theraininstantlymattedmyhairdownandgotintomyeyes.

"Wait." I could see her lips moving, as if she were having a dialogue with herself.

Maybeshewas."Okay,fine.Comein."Sheswungthedooropen,andIsteppedinside.

Nothinghadchanged.Thepeoplewho'dlivedherebetweenthetimemymomhad

movedandthetimeshe'dcomebackseemedtohavekepteverysinglethingthewayit
had been when I was a kid. Still the same faded yellow paint that looked like a piss
stain.Stillthesamedustycupboardsandsplinteringhardwood.Theonlythingthatwas
differentwasus.

"Sit down, if you want," she said, indicating the couch. I took a seat, and we sat

staringateachother.IcouldseehertryingtofigureoutinwhatwaysIlookeddifferent
fromwhenshe'dlastseenme.

"Wantsometea?"sheasked.

"Sure."Ihesitatedassherose."Wantsomehelp?"
"No,"shesaid,puttingupahandtostopme."I'vegotit."
A few minutes later, she returned from the kitchen with an old teapot, two mugs,

and some vanilla wafers. We sat drinking and nibbling at the cookies in silence until
finally,Icouldn'ttakeitanymore.

"YouknowIplayfootballnow,right?"
Slowly,shenoddedherhead.
"I'moutofthatoldlife.Ihavenocontactwithitanymore."Ifeltmyheartpounding

inmychest.ItwaslikeIwasstillakid.

Shecrinkledherbrow,choosingherwordscarefully."Howlong?"sheasked.
"Aboutayearandahalf.SinceAshdied."
Shesethermugdownandstretchedacrossthetabletopatmyleg."Iheardabout

that.I'msorry.Iknowyoutwowerealwaysveryclose."

"Thanks."
Therewasanotherawkwardpause,butnowitfeltasthoughapieceofawallhad

beenremoved.Eachtimeoneofusspoke,anothersmallpieceofthewallcamedown
again.Ahalfhourlateritwasn'texactlyrelaxedbetweenus,butitwasbetter.Fornow,
betterwasenough.

"So,Iheardyouweremarried?"
Shenodded,smilingwistfully."Hewasagoodman.Untilhedecidedtoleavemefor

ayoungerwoman."

I winced. "That sucks. Want me to beat him up for you?" I wasn't sure if I was

pushingthingstoofarwithmyjoke,butshelaughed.

"Why'dyoucomebackhere,Mom?Youwereout.Youcould'vegoneanywhere."
Her cheeks reddened. "I didn't have the money to go anywhere. This was what I

couldafford.AndIfiguredthatatleastIknewpeoplehere.Hadfriendshere.Iguess...I
guesswhileIwasgoneIforgothowbaditreallywas."

Tony's words came back to haunt me. It waits for you to forget and then pulls you

backin.

"I'm making good money now, Mom." I leaned in closer to her. She smiled and

shookherheadbeforeI'devenfinishedwhatIwastryingtosay."Imean,okay,Imake
theleagueminimumbecauseIdidn'thavethekindofreputationtheseguyscomingup
fromthecollegesdid,andI’vehadafewfineshereandthereIhadtopay—"

Shelookedatmeandopenedhermouth,butIcutheroff.
"—football fines. Nothing illegal, except in the world of football." I laughed. She

laughedtoo.Itfeltgoodtobehere."EverythingIdonowislegal,Mom.Nextseason,
mycontractisgonnabehuge.Thebiggestaplayercomingoutofhisrookieyearhas
everearned.Icansetyouup.Anywhere.Howeveryouwant."

She shook her head, but I could see the light in her eyes as she thought about it.

There was a knock on her door. She rose to open it, and a moment later I heard a
familiarvoiceringthroughtheair.

"Iheardhewasback.ThoughtI'dsayhi."
Mymomreappearedinthelivingroom,thelightinhereyesgone.
"It'sforyou,"shesaid.
I went to the door, wishing Angelo Moretti had chosen any other moment to say

hello.

"Lars,"hesaid,smilingandextendinghishand."Goodtoseeyou."
Ishookhishandasmymomappearedbesidethedoor.
"Itwasnicetoseeyou,Lars.ButnowI'dlikeyoutoleave."
Theblooddrainedfrommyface.
"Mom,Angelo'sjustsayinghi."
Butshe'dheardthatlietoomanytimeswhenIwasgrowingup.
"I should never have believed you," she said, her voice cold and her eyes glassy.

"You'rejustlikeyourfather.Alwaysfulloflies.Nowleave.Thisismyhouse,andyou're
notwelcomeinit."

I looked at the pain in her eyes, the pain I had caused, and knew now that things

couldneverberightbetweenus.ShecouldneverforgivemeforthepersonIusedto
be.Isteppedoutofherhomeandintotherain.Itwastoolateforus.

CLARISSA

heclinicwasjustascoldandsterileasI'dpictured.Idon'tknowwhyitbotheredme

somuch.WhatthehellwasIexpecting?Lollipopsandcurtains?Thelookoftheplace
madenodifferenceaslongastheygotthejobdone.

"Clarissa," the nurse called. I winced when she said my name aloud. I didn't want

anyoneknowingIwashere.Madelinehaddroppedmeoffandpromisedshe'dbeback
inanhourtopickmeup.Shewould'vestayed,butshehadacallbackforthatmovie
she'd auditioned for. I don't think anyone had ever shown up at an abortion clinic
lookingasdeckedoutasMadelinehadbeenwhenwearrived,withsix-inchheelsanda
redpowerdress.

Ifollowedthenursetoasmallroomoffthesideofalonghallway.Fivedoorslined

bothsides,andIwonderedhowmanyofthemwerefilledrightnowwithwomenlike
me.Theroomhadanexamtable,alargemachinetodowhatI'dcomeherefor,anda
smalltelevisionmountedhighinonecorner.

"Alright,youneedtoputthisgownon.Everythingfromthewaistdowncomesoff,

gotit?"

Inodded.ItfeltlikeIwasinatrance.
"Youokay?"thenurseasked,sensingmyunease.
"Yeah.Thanks."Inodded,goingthroughthemotionsoftakingthegownfromher

andsettingitonthehospitalbedorwhatevertheycalledithere.Thiswasn'treallya
hospital,wasit?Hospitalssavedlives.

"Thedoctorwillbeinshortly,"thenursesaid.She'dprobablyseennervouswomen

in here before me. Hell, she probably saw them in here every day. Today was no
exception.

Severalminuteslater,therewasalightknockonthedoor.
"Comein,"Icalled.Awomanenteredwearingadoctor'slabcoat.
"Hello,Clarissa.I'mDr.Pointer."
Iclosedmykneestogetherasadraftcreptupundermygown.
"Iseverythinggood?Areyoureadytobegin?"
Ilistenedasshewentthroughaseriesofwarnings,recommendations,options,etc.

Itwasallthestufftheinternettoldmeabortiondoctorswererequiredbylawtosay.
Finally,shetoldmetoputmyfeetinthestirrups.

Ilaybackandclosedmyeyes.

"Doesithurt?"Iasked,tryingtostopmybottomlipfromtrembling.
"Morelikeapinch.Anditonlylastsforamoment."
"I...Okay."
"Doyouhaveanyquestionsaboutwhatwetalkedabout?Aboutanything?"Ishook

myhead."Wouldyoulikemetoturnthetelevisionon?Somepatientsfindithelpsto
takethefocusoffoftheprocedure.Youcanpickthestation."

"Okay.Thanks."Sheturneditonforme.
"How's this?" It was a sports program. Replays of game highlights throughout the

season.

"It's fine," I said, not really caring what it was as long as it took my mind off the

procedure. Suddenly, Lars' face shot across the screen. He was smiling at me after
makingafantastictouchdowningametwooftheplayoffs.

Therewasaloudnoiseasthedoctorturnedthemachineon.Ipicturedmyfather

and how disappointed he would be if he knew what I was doing. My mother, who
wouldprobablyapplaudme.AndLars,whowouldn'tfeelonewayortheotheraboutit
becausehedidn'tevenknow.Ilookedupathisfaceonelasttimebeforemakingmy
decision.Hemightbeaprick,butIcouldn'tdothiswithoutatleasttellinghimfirst.

"Wait!"Ishouted,sittingupandpullingmykneesshutsofastIhitthedoctor'sface

with one of them. She stepped back, rubbing her eye. "I'm sorry," I said. "I can't. Not
rightnow."

She nodded, still rubbing her eye. "I understand. No problem." She left me alone,

andIgotdressed,exitingthebuildingandrunningoutsideintoadownpour.Itexted
Madelinenottobotherpickingmeup.Iwouldtakeacab.

Howdiditgo?shetexted.
I ignored that and looked up Lars' number in my phone. When he answered, my

heartflutteredinmychest.

"Lars,it'sClarissa.Ineedtoseeyou."

LARS

didn'twanttocomerightoutandtellAngelotogetlost,soIjustkeptwalkingtomy

motorcycle,nodding.IwishedI'dtakenmycarinstead.Therainwasn'tgoingtobefun
todrivehomein.

"Listen,Angelo,it'snicetoseeyoubutI'vegotpracticelater,soI'vegottagetgoing."
"Stayahalfhour,"hesaid,"foroldtime'ssake."
"IwishIcould."
"Listen,"hesaid,leaningin.Hisblackeyeshadalwaysbeenoneofhisdominating

features.Theywerehugeandintherightlightingcouldmakehimlookpossessed."I
don'twanttosaytoomuchrighthereintheopen,butI'vegotapropositionforyou.
Oneofthoseold-fashionedonesyoucan'tsaynoto."

"Thanks.Iappreciateyouthinkingofmeafterallthistime,butI'mnotlookingto

getbackintothebusinessrightnow."

"That'snotexactlywhatIhadinmind.Stay.Let'stalkoutofthisrain,atleast."
Ihesitated.ItwashardtosaynotoAngelo.Hewasabouttenyearsolderthanme

andhadbeenlikemybigbrothergrowingup.

My phone rang just then, and I grabbed it from my pocket. "Sorry," I told Angelo.

"SuperBowl'scomingup.Igottatakeitwhenitrings.Couldbemycoach."

"Hey,"Isaid,answeringquickly.
"Lars,it'sClarissa.Ineedtoseeyou."
"Clarissa?Sure.Everythingokay?"IwastryingnottomakeittooobviousthatIwas

beyondthrilledtohearfromher.Mymindwasracing.Whatdidthismean?Wasshe
willingtogivemeanotherchance?

"Can you come now?" she asked. Her voice was thick. It sounded like she'd been

crying.

"Yeah,ofcourse.I'minBrooklyn,though.Itmighttakemeanhourinthisrain."
"That'sfine.Justcometothehouse.I'llseeyouthen."
We hung up, and Angelo was eyeing me with curiosity. "Does the great Don Juan

finallyhaveasteadygirl?"hesmirked.

Ididn'tknowwhattosayanddidn'twanttotellhimevenifIdid."Somethinglike

that."

"Wellgee,kid,that'sgreat.Congratstoyou."Hisvoicedrippedwithsarcasm.
"Thanks,"Isaid,startingupmybike.

"I'llbeintouch."
Ipulledaway,hopingmostsincerelythathewouldnotbeintouch.Ineverwanted

toseeAngeloagain.Seeinghimhadmademyskincrawl.

IracedthroughtrafficasfastasIdaredtogointhisrain.Carswereeitherspeeding

ormovingatasnail’space.Afewofthemhadskiddedoutofcontrolandrunintothe
guardrails.WhenIfinallymadeittoClarissa'sIwasdrenched,butthatdidn'tstopme
fromsweatingasInervouslyrangherdoorbell.

Shewaswearingalightbluedressthatfelloverhercurvesinalltherightways.Her

longgoldenhairwastiedbackinahighponytail,makingherlooklikeacheerleader.

"Thanksforcoming,"shesaid.
"Thanksforcalling.I'msohappyyoudid.I'vebeenwantingtoexplain—"
Shehelduponehand."Ididn'tcallyouheretotalkaboutwhathappenedbetween

youandMadeline.She'salreadyfilledmein."

"Whatdoesthatmean?"Ididn'tlikethewayClarissawaslookingatmeasthoughI

werealeper.Evenseeingherfullydressedmademearoused,butIknewwiththatlook
inhereyesthatIdidn'tstandachanceofgettinganywherenearhergoods.

"Itmeansshutupandlisten,"Clarissasaid,hereyesblazing.
"CanIatleastgetatowel?"
"Inaminute.IhavesomethingIneedtotellyou.I'mgonnasayitbeforeIchange

mymind.Butknowthatitdoesn'tchangeanythingbetweenus,alright?"

"Okaaaay,"Isaid,drawingthewordout.Shewasn'tmakinganysense.Whatthehell

hadhersoriledupifitwasn'tmeandMadeline?

"Okay,"shetookadeepbreath."Lars,I'm—"
"Lars!" Coach called, stepping into the room. His face was drawn, and he looked

olderthanhenormallydid.

"Dad!"Clarissajumped."Ididn'tthinkyouwerehome."
"Icancelledpractice.Haveyouseenoutside?"Heturnedtome,andIcouldtellright

awaythatsomethingwaswrong.

"RandallNeilsonfoundoutyoushoweduptopracticedrunktheotherday."
"Fuck!Howthehelldidhefindthatout?"
"It wasn't difficult, the way you were carrying on. You could barely walk. Matt

Bartongotholdofhimandmadesureheknewaboutit."

"Thatshitheel!"Mybloodwasboiling."FuckingMattBarton.Ifhewerehereright

now, I'd punch his lights out." I was conscious of Clarissa's warm body standing no
morethanafewfeetfromme,buteventhatwasn'tenoughtostoptheangerpumping
throughmyveins.

"Hey,rememberwhosefaultthisis.Youbroughtitonyourself."
"Hey,Icould'vepracticedthatday.Iwasfine."
"Are we really gonna go through this again, Lars? You have to start taking some

responsibilityforyourownactions."

"TheonlyactionI'mgonnatakeresponsibilityforiskickingMatt'sass."Iturnedand

headedforthedoor,readytotrackthatfuckerdownwhereverhewasandbeattheshit
outofhim.

"Lars!"Coachyelled."IfyoudoanythingtoMatt,you'reofftheteam.Youwon'tget

toplayintheSuperBowl."

I paused and turned back to him. "Is that true?" Coach nodded. "Fuck. I need the

SuperBowltomakethatcontracthappen."

Coachtookadeepbreath."Yourcontractfornextyearisdead."
Istaredathim,hopingI'dmisheard."What?"
"Neilsonrippeditup.Oh,theystillwantyouontheteam,butthey'renotoffering

whatyouwantanymore.Itdoesn'tmatterwhetherwewintheSuperBowlornot.You
justblewtoomanychances,Lars.Itriedtotellyou."

"Howmucharetheyoffering?"Iasked,feelingsicktomystomach.I'djustpromised

mymomafuckingmansion.

"Thesame."
Myeyesbulgedoutofmyhead."Rookiesalary?"Coachnodded."Fuckthat!"
"Lars,"Clarissasaid,tryingtoputahandonmyshoulder.Ibrusheditoff.
Istoodtherefuming,myheadspinningonmyshoulders."Fine,"Isuddenlysaid."If

theywanttooffermearookie'ssalary,thenIguessI'llplaylikearookie.Orbetteryet,
Ijustwon'tplayatall."

"Youcan'tdothat,Lars.It'snotfairtoyouortheteam."
"AteamIhelpedgetthere!"
"Ateamthatneedsaleader,notahothead!"
"AreyousayingyouagreewithNielson?!"
"Iagreewithhimthatyou'vegotalottolearnaboutplayingonateam!"
MyfistwasalreadycollidingwithhischinbeforeIrealizedIhadhithim.Coachfell

tothefloor.Clarissascreamed.

"Youasshole!"shecriedout.
CoachstaredatmeasifI'dshothiminsteadofpunchedhim.
Deepinsidemygut,mystomachchurned.Bileroseupmythroat.
"I guess you're right, Coach. I'm no good. Never have been, never will be. Say

goodbyetotheteamforme,willya?Theycanwinjustfinewithoutme."

I left Clarissa and Coach staring after me, stunned. I was stunned myself. But I

shouldn't have been. I knew my past better than anyone. Once a lowlife, always a
lowlife.

CLARISSA

hmyGod,Dad!Areyouokay?"

"Yeah,I'mfine.I'vebeenhitalotharderthanthatbefore."

"Thatasshole!Weshouldcallthepolice!"
"Forwhat?"
"Forassault!"Icouldn'tstopmyhandsfromtrembling.
"That's ridiculous. Lars is just pissed off and wants someone to blame other than

himself."

"He'sanassholewhodeserveswhateverhegets,"Ispatbackathim.
"I'vegottagoafterhim."
"What?"Myeyeswidened."You'renotserious.Afterhepunchedyou?Heshouldbe

bannedfromfootball.CallRandallNielson—"

"No!"myfatherroared.Ishrunkbacklikeascaredlittlegirl.I'dneverseenhiseyes

sowildbefore.HelookedalmostasangryasLarshad.

"Dad, what's wrong? Why are you mad at me?" My stomach churned, and for a

second, I thought I might puke. Madeline had been right. I should've taken care of
thingsthismorning.FuckLars.Hedidn'tdeservetoknowshit.

"I'msorry.I'mnotmadatyou.It'sLarsI'mupsetwith.Listen.Iknowhowrashhe

canbe.Whathesaidbeforeheleft,abouttheGiantsplayingwithouthimintheSuper
Bowl...Ithinkhemeansit."

"Don't be ridiculous. Like any football player would give up their chance in the

SuperBowl."

"TheymightiftheyhadLars'temper.Hemightnotmeanittomorrow,afterhe'shad

achancetocooloff,butrighthere,rightnow,tonight...hemeanseverywordofit."

I could see the concern in my father's face. As angry as I was with Lars, I could

understandmyfather'spointofview.

"IfhegoesdowntoNeilson'sofficeorcallshimandtellshimtofuckoff,Nielsonwill

takehimathisword.Andthat'sit,Larswillbedonejustlikethat.Ifthathappens,he'll
neverplayinfootballagain.He'llbeblackballed."

"Iunderstand,butthat'shisproblem,Dad,notyours."
Hewasshakinghishead."I'mhisCoach.Ithink...Imightalsobetheonlyonehe's

got. The team needs him more than any of them realize. He's a damn good
quarterback,andwithouthim,theydon'tstandachanceintheSuperBowl."

Hegrabbedhiscoatandanumbrella.
"Jesus,you'rereallygoingafterhim?Now?"
"IfIwaituntiltomorrow,itmightbetoolate."
Iwatchedhimopenthedoorandstepoutintothedarkeningsky.Thewindandrain

rushedthroughtheair.Ididn'tunderstandwhymyfatherfeltsuchaneedtoprotect
him. Lars was nothing but a jerk with a violent streak. I silently cursed him for ever
comingintomylife.Iwasbetteroffwithouthim.Weallwere.

LARS

couldn'tbelievewhatI'ddone.Astherainwhippedagainstmyface,soakingmeall

overagain,Ifelttheheelsofshamedigintome.I'djustpunchedtheonlymanwho'd
evertreatedmelikeason.

"Fuckme!"IshoutedasIpulledmybikeintothelot.I'dseenthewayClarissahad

looked at me when I’d decked her father. She hated me now. If I'd stood any sort of
chancewithherbefore,I'djustofficiallyblownit.

"Lars?" Angelo's voice made its way through the rain. I turned and saw him,

umbrellainhand,ashemadehiswaythroughmyapartmentcomplex'sparkinglot.It
wasdark,evenifitwasn'tterriblylate.Therainhadmadeitthisway,justlikeithad
madetrafficcometoastandstill.I'dleftClarissa'sanhourago,andithadtakenmeall
thattimetogetbackhere.Ionlylivedfifteenminutesaway.

"Angelo?"Iasked."Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?"Iwassurprisedtoseehim.

Andforthefirsttimeinhispresence,Ifeltalittlescared.Whywashehangingoutside
myhomeinthedark?

"IcametotalktoyouaboutthatpropositionImentioned."
Heatboiledupinme,makingeventhecoldrainfeelhotagainstmyskin.
"I'm not interested," I said, turning toward the stairs that led to my apartment. I

walkedalittleways,Angelofollowingme.Therewasanoverhangalongthispartofthe
walkway,andAngeloandIstoodunderit,avoidingtherain.

"I'llmakethisfast,"Angelosaid,completelyignoringwhatI'dsaidaboutnotbeing

interested."Onehundredmilliondollars."

Angelohadmyattention.
"Allyours,"hesaid.
Iknewapricetaglikethatdidn'tcomeeasy.
"Forwhat?"
"ThrowingtheSuperBowl."
I laughed, already shaking my head. "No. No way. It'll never work. Besides, you

don'thavethatkindofmoney."

"Not when you knew me I didn't, but things have changed. I assure you, if you

throwthegame,I'llhavethemoney."

Ihesitated.Angelowasnotagoodman,buthehadneverliedtome.
"Give me the rundown." I heard myself ask the question and wondered what the

hellIwasdoinglisteningtoeventhismuch.

"IfyoucanguaranteeaGiants’loss,Istandinaverygoodpositiontomakealotof

money.Yourendofthatmoneywillbeonehundredmillion."

"Andafterthat?"Iasked,waitingforthecatch.
"Afterthat,ourbusinessiscomplete.Wewalkawayfromeachother."
I hated that I was thinking about it. My phone rang, and I denied the call without

checkingtoseewhoitwas.ItwasprobablyCoach,andIcouldn'ttalktohimnow.I'd
neverfeltsobadabouthittinganyoneinmylife.Inthatonepunch,I'dbetrayedhim.

Was I seriously worried about betraying Coach Walker with a punch when I was

standing here considering throwing the goddamn Super Bowl? Coach had worked so
hardtohelpusgethere.TheSuperBowlmeanteverythingtohim.CouldIbetrayhim
likethat?CouldIbetraytheteam?

Myphonerangagain,andagainIdeniedthecall.Ineededittobequiet.Ineededto

think.

"Clock'sticking.Ineedananswer."
"Now?"Iasked,immediatelysorrythatI'dgivensuchanhonestreaction.Ishould

haveplayeditcool.Alwayscool.

"TheSuperBowlisnextweek.Ifyou'rein,thenIhavestepsImusttaketoensure

mybets.Idon'thavetimetowaste."

Mythoughtsraced,andmybraintriedtokeepupwiththem.Themostdominant

thoughtinmymindwasbetrayal.NotbetrayingCoachormyteam,buthowtheGiants
hadbetrayedme.RandallNielsonhadpissedallovermydeal.Ifhehadithisway,I'd
be a rookie forever. How was I supposed to buy my mother a house? How was I
supposedtogetheroutofVinegarHill?Sure,shewasmadatmenow,butwaituntilI
showed up on her doorstep with the deed to a brand new mansion. My phone rang
again,andIclosedthecallwithoutevenlooking.

"I'min."
"Excellent.I'llbeintouch."
IwatchedAngelowalkintothedarkness,andmybloodrancold.Iranupthestairs

to my apartment and was still fumbling with my keys when my phone rang again.
Geez,thispersondidn'tgiveup.

"What?"Isnapped.
There was silence on the other end. The rain was coming down hard now, and I

couldn't even hear anyone breathing. I was about to hang up when Clarissa's voice
cameclearlythroughthespeaker.

"Lars,"Clarissa'svoicebrokeintoagiantsob.
"Clarissa?What'swrong?"
"M-myfather."Icouldhearhertryingtogetcontroloverherselfsoshecouldtalk.

"H-he'sbeeninacaraccident.It'sbad.I'matthehospital.Theydon'tknowifhe'sgoing
tomakeit."

CLARISSA

waited for the doctors to come out and tell me something—anything!—about what

washappeningwithmyfather.Myheartseizedwithpaniceachtimethedoortothe
emergency room opened and a surgeon stepped out. I'd stood up a half dozen times
already,expectingthedoctortoapproachme,onlytodiscoverthathewaslookingfor
oneofthemanyotherpeoplewaitingfornewsontheirlovedones.

Stable. That's all they'd said. Correction: Stable for now. What exactly that second

part meant I had no idea. My phone buzzed, and I glanced down at it, hoping it was
Treena.I'dcalledandleftadozenmessagesatherpolicestationinColorado,butshe
hadyettocallmeback.

WhenIsawthemessagewasfromPhil,myheartfluttered.He'dsentmeanemail

with the upcoming rehearsal schedule as well as performance dates and wardrobe
information. They wanted me back in tomorrow for a second fitting. I cringed at the
thought. Looking at our opening date, I realized I'd be right at the beginning of my
secondtrimester.HowwasIsupposedtohidethat?Theanswerwas,ofcourse,thatI
couldn't.

Shitshitshitshitshit!
Itwasn'tjustthepregnancyanymore.Iwassupposedtobeinrehearsaltomorrow

andallthisweek.HowcouldIdothatwithmyfatherlyinginthehospital?Iscrewed
upmycourageandhitreply,decidingthebestthingtodowasbehonest—mostly—and
keepitshort.

Phil,
Myfather'sbeeninaterriblecaraccident.I'matthehospitalrightnow.Ican'tmakeit

tofittingorrehearsaltomorrow.Willkeepyouapprised.

Clarissa
Amomentlater,myphonedingedoncemore.
Clarissa,
Sorrytohearaboutyourfather.Don'tworryabouttomorrow.However,weonlyhave

afewweeksbeforeweneedtofinalizethedetails...oneofthembeingouractors.Pleaselet
meknowifyouwillneedmorethanaweekout.Ineedtoknowifwewillhavetogowith
Jerry'sbackup.

Phil
Fuck!Jerry'sbackup?Didhemeanthatskankwhoblewhimtogetmypart?That's

it. I couldn't dick around anymore. I had to take care of this baby situation now. I
should'vejuststayedattheclinictodayandgonethroughwithit.Iwassuchanidiot.I
pickedupmyphonetocalltheclinicandreschedulemyappointmentwhenTreena's
callfinallycamethrough.

"Treena!"Ishrieked,myvoicethickwithtears.
"Clarissa,whatthehellisgoingon?Thestationsaysyoukeepcalling."
"Dad'sbeeninacarwreck.I'matthehospital."
Therewassilencefromherend.Foramoment,IwasafraidI'dlosttheconnection.
"Ishe...?"
Iheardthedesperationinhervoice.
"No,he'snotdead.Butit'sbad.AndIcan'tgetanyanswersfromanyone.Theyjust

keeptellingmehe'sstablefornow.I'vebeentryingforanhourtofigureoutwhatthe
hellthatmeans.Doesthatmeanhemightnotbestableinanotherhour?"

I knew I was getting loud, but I didn't care. What the fuck was I supposed to do

sittinghereinahospitalwaitingroom?Iwantedtobeintherewithhim,whereverhe
was,whateverwashappening.

"Whathappened?"
"Hewasinacaraccident!"Icried."Ijusttoldyouthat!Aren'tyoulistening?"Icould

feel myself losing control but was unable to stop it. I laughed hysterically at that
thought.Unabletostopispreciselywhatlosingcontrolmeant.Ipicturedabig"Duh!"
signstrappedacrossmyforeheadandbentoverinmychair,laughingandlaughing.

"Clarissa..."Icouldhearmysisterbeingcarefulwithherwordsnow.Shewasacop.

Shewasprobablytrainedtohandleshitlikethis.Hell,she'dprobablybeentheoneto
break the news to other people about losing their loved ones in an accident just like
this, just like the cops who had shown up at my door tonight to tell me about my
father'saccident.

"Areyoustillthere?"sheasked.
"I'mhere."I'dfinallystoppedlaughing.
"So,doyouknowhowtheaccidenthappened?"
"It was raining. His car skidded out of control at a stoplight. A truck plowed right

intohim."

Icouldhearherbreathing,anditwasoddlycomforting.Atleastitmeantthatshe

wasalive.Shewassafe.Evenifmydadwasn't.Ileftoutthepartforheraboutthefight
he'dhadwithLarsrightbeforerunningoutthedoorafterhim.

"How'stheotherdriver?"
"Fine."Alumpswelledinmythroat.Sure,he'sfine.Hewasdrivingatruck.Mydad

was in a freaking Lexus. "Oh God," I groaned, a fresh batch of tears rushing over my
cheeks.Ijumpedoutofmychairandstartedpacingthefloor.

"It'sokay.I'llbookaflighttonight.Rightnow.Assoonaswehangup.I'llbethereby

themorning."

ButIwasn'tgroaningbecauseofherabsence.IwasgroaningbecauseI'dhadtocall

Lars.ItwastheonlyotherthingthehospitalhadtoldmewhenI'dshownup.He'dbeen
askingforLars.Iwasalmostjealous.Ofallthepeopleintheworldhecouldhaveasked
for,itwasn'tmeorTreena.Itwastheviolent,idiotquarterbackI'dfuckedoutsideabar
onecrazy,drunkennight.WhosechildIwasnowcarryingandwhommyfatherknew

nothingabout.WouldhestillbeaskingforLarsnowifheknewthetruth?

Suddenly,Iwasn'tjustsad,Iwasangry.Angryatmydad.Angryattheworld.Angry

atLars.

"Clarissa,areyou—"
But I didn't want to hear my sister's voice anymore. I wanted to block out

everything around me and wallow in my own misery. I threw my phone across the
roomwhereithitawall,andIdroppedtomyknees.Theloudest,mosthorriblescream
I'd ever heard came from somewhere nearby. I looked around to see who was
screaminglikethatandrealizedwithhorrorthatitwasme.

Aman'svoicesuddenlysounded,callingmynamefromnearby,butIcouldhardly

makeitout.Myheadfeltfuzzy."Clarissa!"Larswassuddenlyatmyside.Hisarmswere
liftingmefromtheground.Theyfeltgoodwrappingaroundmelikethat.Comforting.
"I'vegotyou,"hewhispered."I'vegotyou."

LARS

handedheracupofcoffeefromthevendingmachinenearby,andshemadeaface.I

tookasipofmyownanddidn'tblameher.Coffeefromavendingmachinewasnever
good,butitwasalltheyhadunlessIwantedtoleaveheraloneandfindthecafeteria.
AndtherewasnowayIwasleavingheralone.Notafterfindingherinaheaponthe
hospital floor, nurses and patrons staring at her as if she were a lunatic. As if they'd
never seen someone wracked with pain before. One of the nurses, a skinny redhead,
had recognized me from the Giants. I was pretty sure that was the only reason we
hadn'tbeenescortedfromthehospital.

"Thisisterrible,"Clarissamuttered.
"Thecoffeeorthisplace?"
"Both."
Wesatinsilenceforseveralminutes,listeningtothesteadyhumofsoundsaround

us. All hospitals had an energy to them. It was sometimes bad, sometimes good, and
alwaysfrantic.

"Soyousaidhe'sstablefornow?"
Shecringed."Fornow.Yes."
Iwasscaredtoaskheranythingelse.Iwasafraidshe'dfallapartagain.Iwasafraid

Imightfallapartmyself.Iwasbarelyhangingonbyathread.Icouldn'tshakeoffthe
guilt I was feeling. The last words I'd said to Coach...the way I'd hit him and then
stormed out of his house. God, I was an asshole. My hands shook, and I had to take
deep breaths to make them stop. I didn't want Clarissa seeing me like this. I was a
fuckingman.Mendidn'tbreak.Theystoodstrongevenwhenthingswererough.They
protectedthosearoundthem.

Irealized,maybeforthefirsttime,thatthatwasprobablywhyI'dhookedupwith

Angelo all those years ago. He'd offered me protection in a neighborhood where
protection was hard to come by. I'd felt safe being a part of his gang. Up until the
moment Ash had died, I'd felt fucking invincible. The night I'd lost Ash, though,
everythinghadchanged.

I took Clarissa's hand in mine and held it as tightly as I dared, needing her to

comfortmeasmuchasIwantedtocomforther.Shesqueezedmyhandback,andmy
heartthumpedonceinmychest.

"HethinksIhatehim,"shewhispered,staringatthefloor.

"What?"Iasked,surprised.
"Myfather.HethinksIhatehim.Becausehedoesn'tapproveofmycareerchoices."

Shelookedupatmenow,hereyeswetandpuffy."ButIdon't.He'sdoneeverythingfor
me,andI'venevertoldhimhowgratefulIam."

"I'msureheknows."
She was shaking her head. "No. My mother left when I was six, and he had to do

both jobs as a parent. I wanted to believe she was gonna come back, part of me still
wantstobelievethatevennow,butdeepdown,I'veknownsincethedaysheleftthat
wasn'ttrue."

"My father left when I was born. I've never even met him." I took another deep

breath and let it out. The hospital air felt stale in my lungs, and the weight of the
fucking world was lying across my back right now. I wasn't the type of man to talk
aboutmypastandallthewaysI'dfuckeditup,butsittingherewithClarissa,listening
to her story, I felt like I wanted to share a part of myself with her. It was a strange
feeling.OneI'dneverexperiencedbefore.

"You'relucky,"Itoldher."Coachlovesyou.Iknowhedoes.Mymothercan'tstand

thesightofme.Imakehersickjusttolookat."

"I'msurethat'snottrue."
Ishookmyhead."Itis.I...Ihaven'talwaysbeenontherightsideofthelaw,let'sjust

say.Andmymom...shetriedtostraightenmeoutwhenIwasakid.Itoldhertofuck
off."

Clarissahesitated."Youactuallysaidthat?"
Inodded,ashamed."ThedayIlefthome.Iwasseventeen."
"Haveyoutriedtalkingtohersincethen?"
Isighed."Yeah.Itdidn'tgosowell.Idon'tthinkthere'smuchhopeforus."Wesatin

silenceagain,lostinourthoughts.

"My dad was the one who took care of me when I was eight and had the chicken

pox.WhenIwastwelve,heboughtmemyfirstbra."Shelaughedatthememory,so
longagoyetobviouslyasclearinhermindasifitwereyesterday."Heputmethrough
school even though he thought I was wasting my time majoring in music. And I've
neverthankedhim."

"You'llhaveyourchance.Coachistoostrongamantoletsomecaraccidentgetthe

bestofhim."Isqueezedherhandandpattedherknee.She'dbeenstaringoffintothe
distance, and now her eyes darted back over to mine, almost frightening in their
intensity.Shepushedmyhandawayandstoodup.

"This is all your fault." Her eyes were wild. She was looking at me as if I'd just

threatenedtokillherdog.

"My fault?" I asked, my heart racing as anger threatened to take hold of me. I

remindedmyselfthatClarissawasinpain.Shewasscaredandworriedandlookingfor
someonetoblame.

"That'sfine.Ifyouneedsomeonetoblame,thenblameme.Butit'snoone'sfault.It

wasanaccident."IwasjustasworriedaboutCoachasshewas,butIwasn'tsureshe'd
believethatifItriedtotellher,soIkeptmymouthshut.Thetruthwas,thesecondI'd
gotten Clarissa's phone call, I'd jumped on my motorcycle and sped over here as fast
mywheelswouldtakeme.

"Don'tyoudaremockme!"shesnapped."Thisisallyourfault!"
"Clarissa,you'reupset.Youdon'tmean—"
"Hewaslookingforyou!"
Something in my chest stopped working. I opened my mouth to speak but could

findneitherbreathnorwords.

"What?"Ifinallymanagedtosqueakout.
"He was looking for you! That's why he was out driving in the rain. You punched

him, and he didn't even care. He loves you like a fucking son and didn't want you to
makethebiggestmistakeofyourlife.Sohewentafteryou."

Each word was a dagger in my side. Oh Jesus! Coach was out driving in the rain

becauseofme?

"Oh God," I said. A wave of nausea rolled over my body, and my knees buckled

under me. I collapsed to the floor. My head felt like it was on fire. I couldn't see
anything around me. "Oh God," I said again. My throat felt raw. "He was out there
becauseofme?Becauseofme!"

I couldn't take it. Angelo had only ever cared about me because I was good at

beatingpeopleupandtakingorders.Coachhadcaredaboutmebecauseheunderstood
me. Because he was a good man who'd believed in me and taken a chance with me.
And how had I repaid him? I'd punched him in his house and agreed to deliberately
throwtheonethingintheworldhecaredmostaboutbesideshisfamily.

"Itshouldhavebeenmeinthatcar,nothim."
I heard Clarissa's gasp as the words escaped my throat. They were true. I didn't

deservetolive.Tearsfloodedmyeyes,andforthefirsttimesinceAshhaddied,Ilet
themfall.

CLARISSA

couldn'tbelieve what I was seeing. Was Lars really crying? I stepped closer to him,

blinking. I'd never seen such anguish on a man's face before. Suddenly, my anger
evaporated.Itwashardtoholdontoitwhenhewasinsomuchpain.

I knelt beside Lars and wrapped my arms around him as he sobbed against my

chest.Hisbreathwashotandmoistagainstmyskin.

"Lars,"Isaid,strokinghishair.Hisarmswrappedtightlyaroundme,clingingtome

likealifepreserverashisbodyshook."I'msorry,Ishouldn'thavesaidthatstuff.It's
notyourfault."Tearsranovermycheeksandfellontohishead.Weheldeachother
forIdon'tknowhowlong.Finallyhepulledback,hiseyesredandshiny.

"I'msosorry,Clarissa.Nowonderyouhateme."
"Idon'thateyou,"Itoldhim,myheartbreakingalittle.Evennow,sittingherewith

himonthehospitalfloor,ourbodiesandmindstiredandhurting,Icouldn'thelpbut
feelasparkforhim.Seeinghimcomeapartlikethathadstirredsomethinginme.As
strongashewas,ascapableandmasculineandbraveashe'dshownhimselftobe,he
was still human. Knowing how much he cared drew me to him that much more. He
wasn'tafraidtoshowhissofterside.Hewasn'tafraidofanything.

"That'sfine,"hesaid."Ihatemyselfenoughforbothofus."
Ikissedthetopofhisheadandintertwinedmyfingersthroughhis."Don'tsaythat."

Helookedupatmewithpuppydogeyesthatmeltedmyheart.Onecornerofhislips
twitchedupward.

"Excuse me," a nurse said. She was standing in front of us with her hands on her

hipsandasternlookonherface."Wedohavechairs,yourealize."Shetappedherfoot
ontheground,clearlywaitingimpatientlyforustogetup.

LarsandIlookedateachotherandburstoutlaughing.Itfeltgoodtoletgolikethat

foraminute.Wehungontoeachother,helpingeachotherup.Itwasn'tuntilwewere
both seated properly that the nurse finally left us alone, turning her attention to
someonepoundingonthecandymachinetryingtogettheirquarterback.

Wesatholdingeachother'shands.Ilethiswarmthenvelopme,soothingmyaching

muscles."IgotapartinaBroadwayshow,"Itoldhim."Thelead,actually."

Heturnedhiseyestome."Ofcourseyoudid.Itwasonlyamatteroftime."
Ilaughed."Yousoundasifyouneverdoubtedit."
"Ididn't.I'veheardyousing.Noonecanevencomparetoyou."

"Thanks," I murmured, my cheeks burning. My mind was racing with thoughts,

ideas,memories...SomewereaboutLars,otherswereaboutmyfather."Whatdidyou
meanbefore?"Iaskedsuddenly.Helookedatme,confused."Aboutnotalwaysbeing
ontherightsideofthelaw?"

I'd gotten the impression from some of the things he and my father had said that

Larscamefromatroubledpast,butIcouldn'timaginehimactuallybreakingthelaw.
Hiseyesglazedover,andhislipsturneddown.

"Let'sjustsayIgotmixedupwiththewrongpeople."
Inodded,burningwithcuriosity."Solike...agang?"I'dnotedthetattooshehadall

overhisbody.Barbedwire,arose,aneagle...andthosewerejusthisarms.Iwondered
howmanyothershehadhiddenunderhisclothes.Ihadn'tgottenachancetoseethe
wholeofhimthenightweweretogether.

"Somethinglikethat,"hesaid.
"So,how'dyougetout?You'renotstillinit,areyou?"Somethinginhiseyesshifted.

Itwasasifacloudrolledoverthem,coveringsomethinghedidn'twanttothinkabout.

"I...promised a friend of mine I'd get out, so I did." His lips were too tight. I knew

therewasmoretohisstorybutdidn'tthinknowwastherighttimetoask.Thenagain,
whatwasittherighttimefor?

Howabouttellinghimyou'repregnant?
I shushed the idiot voice inside my head. I had flip-flopped back and forth on the

wholeissuesomanytimesIwasn'tsurewhereIstoodonitanymore.Tellhim?Nottell
him? Keep it? Get rid of it? I didn't want to be pregnant, but the fact remained that I
was.Myfatherhadn'traisedmetorunfrommyproblems.

"Lars,there'ssomethingIthinkIneedtotellyou."
He looked at me expectantly, and my mouth suddenly ran dry. "I... I..." I took a

deepbreath,tryingtoforcethewordsout."I'mgladyou'rehere."Fuck!Ijustcouldn't
doit.Larssmiledandtookmyhand.Apangofguiltshotthroughme.

Just then, a group of nurses and doctors ran by. I could only make out bits and

pieces of their conversation. They were talking very rushed and running as they
movedpastus.

"...Walker...”
"...crashing..."
"Wehavetostabilizehim."
Myheartjoltedoutofmychest.LarsandIlookedateachother,hisfaceasashenas

mine.Westoodupandranafterthedoctors.Theyweresowrappedupinwhatthey
weredoingthattheydidn'tseeuspassthroughtheemergencyroomdoors.

Wefollowedthemintomyfather'sroom.HisfacewassobruisedandpuffyIbarely

recognizedhim.Igasped,andoneofthenursesturnedaround,glaringatus.

"Youshouldn'tbehere,"shesaid,pushingusbackandattemptingtoshoveusoutas

Istruggledtokeepthedooropen.

"Nurse,weneedyou,we'relosinghim!"
"Out!" she yelled, pushing me hard enough that I fell backward into Lars and we

toppled out of the room together. She shut the door on us just as I heard the sharp,
steadybeepofmyfather'sheartflatlining.

LARS

wasbeginningtothinkthatthewaitingroomofahospitalwasoneoftheworstplaces

onEarth.Everythinghereseemedcoldandsterile.Theairdidn'tsmellright.Thelights
were either too bright or too dim. There were too many sounds and cries echoing
throughthehalls.

I paced up and down the floor, keeping my eye on Clarissa as she sat curled in a

chair.Iwantedtositnexttoherandholdher,makeherfeelsafeagain,butIcouldn't
keepmyfeetstill.

Icouldn'tstopthinkingaboutCoach'sface,allbloodiedandbruisedashelayinthe

hospitalbed.Worsethanthat,Ihadbetrayedhim.Ineverywaypossible.Whatthehell
wasIthinkingwhenI'dagreedtogetbackintobedwithAngelo?I'dbeenoutofthatlife
foroverayear.Coachhadputhisfaithandtrustintome,andI'dpromisedtolosethe
verygamehe'dbeencountingonmetohelpwin.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, wondering if I should call Angelo now. I

glancedinClarissa'sdirection.Hereyeswereopen,butIwasn'tsureifshewasawareof
whatwashappeningaroundher.

"Clarissa?"Iasked.Therewasaflickerofmovementinherpupilsthattoldmeshe'd

heardme."Doyouthinkyou'llbeokayifIgooutsideforaminute?Ijustwanttomake
aphonecall."

Therewasaslightnodofherhead.Ihatedtheideaofleavingheralonebutcouldn't

stomachthisthingwiththeSuperBowlhangingovermyhead.Ihadtotakecareofit.
Now.I'dtakentwostepstowardthefrontdoorswhenIsawmovementfromthecorner
ofmyeye.IlookedbacktowardClarissa.Hereyeshadgonewide,andshewassitting
up.

"Clarissa?Areyouokay?"
Suddenlyshejumpedoutofherchair,placedherhandagainsthermouth,andran

to the bathroom. She disappeared inside and emerged a few minutes later looking
greenerthancabbage.

"Hey,"Isaid,walkingquicklytoherandwrappinganarmaroundherwaist."What

happened?Areyoualright?"

Itriednottoshowherhowanxiousshewasmakingme.ForsomereasonIdidn't

quite understand, I panicked whenever I thought there might be something wrong
withher.

"I'mfine,"shesaid.Iknewshewaslying.
"Yeah,right.That'swhyyoujustrantothebathroomlikeyourstomachwasfullof

piranhas."

Sheglancedatme,cockingoneofhereyebrowsintoaseductivearch."Piranhas?As

inthosefish?That'saterribleanalogy."Thecornersofherlipscurvedup,andmyheart
lightened.Angelocouldwait.Iwouldcallhiminthemorning.Hewouldprobablytake
thenewsbetterifhehadafullnight'ssleepfirstanyway.

"What's wrong with my analogy? Those fish are crazy. Have you seen those razor

sharp teeth they have? They could dig right through your stomach if you swallowed
themwhole."

ShegiggledalittleasIhelpedherintoherchair.
"Areyousureyou'rereallyalright?When'sthelasttimeyouateanything?"
Shelookedblanklyatme.
"Haveyoueatenanythingtoday?"
"Ihadabagel."
"When?"
"Um...sixorseven?"
"Thisevening?"
Herbottomlipstuckout,makingmewanttobiteit."Thismorning."
"That'sit.I'mgettingyoufood."
"I'msonothungry."
"It'llhelp,"Isaid,twostepstowardthecafeteria."Atleastacandybar."
"No,Lars.I'mfine,really."
I was preparing to argue with her when one of the doctors came out. He did that

thingadoctordoeswherehetakesadeepbreathandlowershishead,scratchinghis
chin,asifwhateverhe'sabouttosayissograveitcauseshimpaintosayit.Thenagain,
whatthehelldidIknowaboutdoctors?Maybeitwasn'tanact.Maybeitwasjusthard
towatchthissortofthingdayinanddayout.

"Ms.Walker?"heasked,comingtowardus.
"Yes?" I could hear the apprehension in her voice. She stood up, and I went

immediatelytoherside.

"I'mDoctorHerald.Iwasoneofthedoctorswhoperformedyourfather'ssurgery

earlierwhenhefirstcamein.He'sstable,forthemoment."

"That'swhatyousaidbefore,"sheinterjected,hereyeswidening.
The doctor cleared his throat. "Yes, well, he developed internal bleeding. No one

couldhaveforeseenit.We'vemanagedtostopthemajorityofit,butthere'sstill..."He
tookadeepbreathandlookedatusbothwithalookIrecognizedwellfrombackin
VinegarHill.Itwasalookofhopelessness."There'sstillbleedinghappening.Wecan't
finditssource."

"Youcan'tfind..."Clarissa'svoicetrailedoff."Sohe'sstillinsurgery?"
Iputmyarmaroundher,holdingherup.
"Yes. I'm heading back in to join them. I just wanted to update you. We have our

bestpeopleworkingonhim.I..."Hepaused,lookingatme,andIsuddenlyunderstood
thathewasafan.HeprobablywantedCoachtolivesothathecouldensureourvictory
intheSuperBowl.Itpissedmeoff,butatthesametime,itmademerealizejusthow

manypeopleotherthanCoachWalkerwerecountingonme.

"I'llkeepyouapprisedofanychanges,"DoctorHeraldsaidandleftusalone.
Clarissa stood still a moment, her bottom lip trembling but her back stiff. Then,

withoutwarning,shespunaroundandhitme.

CLARISSA

yhandslappedagainstLars'chest.Isawtheshockonhisface,anditonlypissed

meoffmore."Ihateyou!"Iscreamed,poundingmyfistagainsthimagain."Ihatethis
place!Thisisallyourfault!"

"Arewebacktothatagain?"heasked,hiseyesdarkening.
"Yes!"Ishouted."Ihateyou!"Ibeatmyhandsagainsthischestuntiltheyhurt.Ifelt

likeachildthrowingatantrum,butIdidn'tcare.Larsstoodtheretakingit—Igavehim
everything I had and more. He never once lifted a hand to stop me. He never once
yelledortoldmetogetawayfromhim.Iletallofmyrageandpainandsadnessouton
him,andhetookitalllikeaman.

The longer my tantrum lasted, the more erratic my thoughts became. I felt my

mindflip-floppinglikeafishoutofwater.OneminuteIhatedLars,thenextIneeded
him. I couldn't decide if he was all bad or the greatest thing to happen to me. As my
fists beat against him, I began to feel something inside me change. His chest was so
hard...so solid. His eyes were dark with emotion. Slowly, my fists opened. Instead of
beatingagainsthischest,Ibegantorubmyhandsoverhim.Hisbackstiffened,andhis
handscaughtmine.

"Clarissa,"hesaid,hisvoicehusky.Therewasathrumofenergythatcarriedfrom

his voice all the way down to my toes. I felt my body begin to tingle, and my head
suddenlyfeltlight.Itseemedimpossiblethathishandsweresosoft.Throwingtheball
likehedidshouldhaveleftthemhardandcalloused,notlikeawarmfeathertickling
my skin. Sudden desire overwhelmed me. I pressed my mouth to his, inhaling his
masculine scent. My tongue twirled inside his mouth, dueling with his tongue as we
pressedourselveshardertoeachother.

"Lars,"Ibreathed,tastinghim,forgettingcompletelythatwewereinthemiddleofa

hospital.AllthatmatteredwasLars’warmthandheatandthewetnessofhistongueas
itslidovermyneck.ThenIrememberedoneofthereasonsIwassomadathim.

Ipushedhimaway,breathinghardasIfoughttoregaincontrolofmyself.Myeyes

dartedaroundthewaitingroomtoseeifanyonehadbeenwatchingus,butthepatrons
hadthinnedconsiderablyinthelasthour.

"What's wrong?" he asked, panting. He took a step toward me, and I took a step

back.

"Nothing...everything,"Isaid,myheadachingwithconfusion.Iwentfrompicturing

Lars with Madeline to seeing my father's bruised face as he crashed in his hospital
room. My own trembling desire for Lars mixed into it all, forcing me into a sort of
befuddleddaze.

"Ican'tdothiswithyou."Ishookmyhandsinfranticcirclesthroughtheairtrying

to shake out these conflicting feelings that were dragging me down and making
everythingIwasgoingthroughtentimesworse.

"Clarissa,tellmewhat'swrong."Larswaslookingatmewithsuchtendernessthatit

washardtobelievethiswasthesamemanwhohadhitMadelinetheothernight.But
then,I'dseenhimhitmyfatherwithmyowneyes.Larshadaviolenttemper,andit
wasn'tsomethingthatIcouldhandle.Notnow.Notever.

"I think you should go," I told him. My throat felt like sand, but part of me still

longedtopressmyselfagainsthim.

"I'mnotgoinganywhere,"hesaid,settinghisfaceintoahardline.
"Lars..."Iwantedtosaymore,butIdidn'tknowwheretostart."Just...getout!"
"No."
Westoodfacingoffagainsteachother.Larsfoldedhisarmsacrosshischest.How

couldsomeonesoviolentbesodamnedcharming?

"Idon'twantyouhere!"
"I'mnotherejustforyou.I'mhereforhim.Yousaidyourfatherwasaskingforme.

I'mnotgoinganywhereuntilIseethathe'ssafe."

God,hewasinfuriating!"Fine!Butyoustayawayfromme.Iknowwhatyoudidto

Madeline.First,youattackmybestfriend,thenyouhitmyfather.You'renothingbuta
lowlife,andIwantnothingtodowithyou."

Lars stood looking at me with an odd expression. I'd expected him to yell back...

retaliateinsomeway.Instead,helookedconfused."Whatdidyousay?"heasked.

"Youheardme!"Isnapped,puzzledbyhiseerie,all-too-calmdemeanor.Somehow,

thatwasmoreunsettlingthanifhe'dbeenscreaminghisheadoffatme.

"DidyousaythatIattackedMadeline?"Hisfacescrunchedup.Thatlittlepartabove

his nose and between his brows developed a very large dimple that made my thighs
moist.

"Shetoldmeeverything."
That'swhenLars’eyesdarkened,notwithlustlikeI'dseenbefore,butwithanger.

“Clarissa,I'veneverattackedawomaninmylife.Idon'tknowwhatMadelinetoldyou,
butwhateveritwas,shewaslying."

LARS

ymindracedwithahundreddifferentthoughts.Primaryamongthosewasthefact

thatMadelinewasmakingupliesaboutme,andthatitwasalmostcertainlybecauseof
thoseliesthatClarissahadbeensohotandcoldwithme.

"What are you saying?" Clarissa asked, looking distrustfully at me. "You're saying

thatyouneverattackedher?"Shelaughed,refusingtobelieveme.

"That's exactly what I'm saying. Why don't you tell me what she said? Give me a

chancetodefendmyself."

I could see her thinking. Her eyes darted around, confused and desperate and

probablyafraid.Thereweretoomanythingshappeningallatonce.Itwaslikebeinghit
fromallangles.

"Shesaidthatyoucameontoher,andwhensherefused,youwouldn'ttakenofor

ananswer."

Icouldfeelmyeyesbulgeoutoftheirsockets."Shesaidwhat?Areyouserious?Did

shesaythatIrapedher?"

The thought of hurting a woman, even as one as reprehensible as Madeline, was

appalling to me. In my lifetime I'd knocked around plenty of guys, but I'd never laid
onehandonawomanorkid.Ever.

"No,shedidn'tsaythat.Shejustsaidthatyoukissedher,butwhoknowshowmuch

furtheritwouldhavegoneifIhadn'twalkedintothelockerroomwhenIdid?"

Myheadwasdizzy.Iwastryinghardtoeasemyanger,butallIcouldpicturewas

Madeline'sfaceandmyfistbashingintoit.IcouldhearAsh'svoiceinthebackofmy
head,tellingmetocooldown.

"Shecameontome,Clarissa."
Clarissascoffed,"Right.That'swhyyouhadyourtonguedownherthroat."
Ishookmyhead,desperatenowtoexplainmyself.WhythehellhadIeverkissed

Madelinethatnightanyway?Iwasafuckingmoron."Look,Ifuckedup,okay?Ikissed
her,yeah,butshecamelookingforme.Shemadethefirstmove,notme.Ifshehadn't
shownupthatday,Iwouldneverhavegonelookingforher."

IcouldseeClarissa'smindwhirling."But..."
I took her hesitation as an opportunity to keep going. "I was waiting for you,

Clarissa. I thought it was you coming to meet with me that day after practice, not
Madeline."

"Ha!Thenexplainthebruise!"Clarissacried.
"Whatbruise?"
"ThebruiseonMadeline'sfacewhereyouhither.”
Ishutmyeyesandcountedtoten,hopingsomeofthisangerwoulddissipatebefore

I lost control. I couldn't do it. I fucking lost it. I practically leaped across the room,
balled my hand into a fist, and hit it into the wall. It left a fist-sized hole where I'd
punchedit.IwasluckyIdidn’tbreakmyknuckles.

Acoupleofnurseslookedinmydirectionandquicklybenttheirheadstogetherin

rapiddiscussion.Theywereprobablycallingsecurity.Athirdnurse,thesameskinny
redheadwho'drecognizedmeearlier,camerunninguptothem.Shestoppedtheolder
nurse with her hand on the phone. Sometimes being a sports celebrity had its perks,
evenifIwasjustarookie.

"Ineverlaidahandonher,"Ifinallysaid,seethingthroughmyteeth."Shehither

face on the ground when she tripped and fell. I had nothing to do with it." A new
thoughtoccurredtomejustthen."Icanproveit."

TheconvictionofmywordsseemedtosparksomethinginClarissa."Whatdoyou

mean?Howcanyouproveit?"

I pulled my cellphone from my pocket. I still had the texts Madeline had sent me

thatdaybeforecomingdowntothestadium.Andafewtextsshe'dsentmeevenafter
that.Ihadn'trecognizedthephonenumberwhenithadcomein,butClarissawould.I
pulledthemessagesupandhandedmyphonetoClarissa.Hereyeswentwideasshe
scrolledthroughthem.

"OhJesus,"shesaid."OhmyGod.ThisisMaddie'snumber.Ican'tbelieveit."
She dropped the phone, and it bounced once on the floor before I picked it up.

Luckily,thenewgorillaglassscreenprotectorI'dboughthadsaveditfromcracking.

Now, Clarissa was looking at me with confused tears in her eyes. "I don't

understand.Whywouldshedothis?We'refriends."

"She'sprobablyjealous.You'vegotapro-footballplayerforaboyfriendandaspotin

anewBroadwayshow.Howcouldshenotbejealous?"

ThecornerofClarissa'smouthturnedupinagrin."Didyoujustsayboyfriend?'"
Ifeltmycheeksflush,somethingtheyneverdid."I'm...Ijustmeant..."
ItwasjustthenthatDr.Heraldcameback.
"Ms.Walker,"hesaid.Clarissaturnedtowardhim,ashen."Ihavegoodnews.We've

locatedthesourceofhisinternalbleedingandstoppedit."

"Oh,thankGod,"Clarissasaid,lettingoutaloudsigh.Shereachedforme,gripping

metightly.Herhandshotelectricityintomyarmwhenshetouchedme,likeaneedle
pokingdeeplyintomyskin.

ButIsawthatthedoctorwasn'tdonejustyet.Therewasmore.Anditwasbad.
"Can I see him?" Clarissa asked, so happy her father was still alive that she

completelymissedthedoctor'sgraveexpression.

"Ms.Walker...yourfatherisinacoma."
"Acoma?"shegasped,herfaceturningwhite.Hereyesflutteredoncebeforeshefell

tothefloorinadeadfaint.

CLARISSA

y eyes opened to a dark room. A sliver of light from the hallway beamed in

throughacrackinthedoor.Ilookedaroundattheshadowsonthewalls.Ihadnoidea
whereIwas.

Therewasaloudsnorefromacorneroftheroom,andIturnedmyheadslowlyin

itsdirection.Larssatinachair,hisheadleaningagainstthewallasheslept.Everything
camebacktomeatonce.Thehospital.Myfather.MyfightwithLars.Discoveringthat
Madeline had betrayed our friendship. There were so many things hurting me right
nowthatIdidn'tknowwhichonewascurrentlymakingmecry.

Anursewalkedintotheroom,andsuddenlythelightfromthehallwaywashitting

my eyes. I wiped my tears away. She saw that I was awake and smiled softly at me,
flippingonthelightswitch.Theoverheadlightswereevenworsethantheonesfrom
thehall.IlookedoveratLarstoseeifhe'dwokenup,buthewasstillsnoring.Oneof
histattoos,Ithinkitwasthetailofadragon,pokedoutfromunderhisshirtatthebase
ofhisneck.

"Hello,"thenursesaid."Howareyoufeeling?"
Isatup,takingdeepbreathsasmyheadthrobbedwithpain."Okay,Ithink.What

happened?"

"You fainted." The nurse came around and started checking my vitals, taking my

pulseandlisteningtomyheart."Youseemalright,now.Youwerealittledehydrated.
Youneedtoeatsomething."

Ishookmyhead."I'mnothungry."
"Yeahbutit'snotjustforyou,isit?"
Myheartthumpedonceinmychest."Whatdoyoumean?"
"Well,you'reeatingfortwo,aren'tyou?"Shewassmilingatmeasshewentabout

herbusiness.

"Wh-whatmakesyousaythat?"Icouldn'tbelievethiswomanwastalkingtomeso

casuallyaboutmypregnancy.Ihadn'ttoldanyoneexceptMadeline.Fuck!I'dforgotten
allaboutthatuntilthisverymoment.WhyhadIopenedmybigmouthandtoldher
anythingatall?Whyhadn'tIbeenabletoseethroughallherbullshit?

Ifmyfatherhadn'tbeeninacoma,Iwouldhavebeenabletofocusallofmyenergy

onbeingpissedoffatMadeline.Asitwas,Ihadtosplitmyenergybetweenangerather
and anger at...I wasn't sure anymore. It didn't make sense to be so angry with Lars

whenitturnedoutthathehadn'tdoneanythingtoMadeline,afterall.Still,hehadbeen
thecauseofmyfatherleavingourhousewhenhedid,whichhadledtohisaccident.I
lookedathimagainashismouthopenedandheletoutanextraloudsnore.

"Ishethefather?"thenurseasked.
"What?" I gasped. She was just trying to make conversation. She had no idea that

asking me these questions was opening up a door I wasn't ready to go through. I
supposedthatmostwomenwerehappytotalkabouttheirpregnancy.

Thenurselookedatme,andtheremusthavebeensomethinginmyfacethatfinally

made her catch on. She looked at Lars, then back at me. "I'm sorry," she said, a little
lowernow."Ijustassumedhewasyourhusband."

"Wellhe'snot,"Isaid,alittleharsherthanI'dmeantto.
Shewentaboutherworkquietlynow.Istartedtofeelbad.Shewasonlydoingher

job.Ididn'tneedtomakeitharderforher.

"I'msorry,"Imumbled.Thenursesmiledatmeandpattedmyarm.
"It's alright. You're under a lot of stress right now. It's understandable. Perhaps if

youhadsomethingtoeat..."

"I'mreallynothungry,"Itoldheragain.
"Areyounauseous?"
"Alittle."
"It'sperfectlynormalatthisstageinyourpregnancy.Foodwillhelp."
"HowdidyouknowIwaspregnant?"Iaskedher."I'veonlytoldoneperson."
"Afteryoufainted,thegentlemanwho'swithyouinsistedweruneverytestunder

thesun.Itwasn'thardtofigureout."

"Oh.So...howdideverythingseem?Babywise?"
She smiled. "It's a little early to tell all that yet, but for now, your baby seems

perfectlyhealthy."

Isighed,relievedtohearthatandsurprisedbymyrelief.Iturnedmyheadandsaw

Larslookingatme.Sometimeinthelastfewminutes,he'dwokenup.

LARS

ey,"Isaid,blinkingatClarissaasmyeyesadjusted."You'reawake."

"Soareyou."

Shewaslookingatmeasifshe'djustseenaghost."Youalright?"
Shenodded.Anursewho'dbeencheckingherbloodpressureshotmeaglanceand

lefttheroom."Justbuzzifyouneedanything,"shesaidonherwayout.

"Sure.Oh,uh,doIhavetostayinhere?Icanleave,right?"
ThenurselookedatClarissaandsaid,"You'refreetogo,butstayaslongasyouneed

to."Thensheturnedherheadtowardme."Bytheway,allthetestswerancameback
justfine.Thisisonehealthyladyyou'vegothere."IcouldswearshewinkedatClarissa
on her way out and wondered if I was imagining things. It felt like I was missing
somethingimportant.SomeprivatejokeIwasbeingleftoutof.Whenthenursewas
gone,Clarissaturnedbacktome,lickingherlips.

"Areyousureyou'realright?"Iaskedheragain,unconvinced.Whenshe'dfainted,

myhearthadaboutstopped.IwasconstantlysurprisedbyhowprotectiveIfeltover
her. I didn't want to leave her out of my sight for a moment. I was just glad that I'd
caughtherbeforeherheadhittheground.

"I'm fine," she said, but her face was a little too pale. "How long have you been

awake?"

Ishrugged."Idon'tknow.Aminute?"
"Aminute?Like...afullminute?"
"Idon'tknow.Why?"
"Ijustwonderedifyouheardanythinginteresting."
"Whatdoyoumean?"
"Nothing,"shesaidquickly,shakingherhead."IguessIwasjust,um,dreamingand

thoughtyoumight'vebeenhavingaweirddreamtoo."

I wasn't sure her answer made any sense but I didn't want to freak her out more

than she already was by asking her needless questions. It was a little like walking on
eggshells.WhateverwasbotheringherwouldonlybemadeworseifIinterrogatedher.
Besides,itwasprobablynothing.Itcertainlywasn'tasifshewasshortonreasonstobe
actingweird.

"Letmetakeyouhome."
"What?"sheasked,loosingherlookoffear.

"Home,"Irepeated."Youneedtorelax.Getsomerealsleep.Somefood."
"Whydoeseveryonekeeptryingtofeedme?"shesnapped.
Icouldn'thelpchucklingasIstoodupandstretchedoutmyarms.
"Becauseyouneedsomestrengthtokeepupthatgorgeousbodyofyours.OneI'm

becomingmoreandmoreattachedto."

Sheblushedfuriously."I'mnotgoinganywhereuntilIseemyfatherandknowthat

he'sokay."

"So,"Isaid,reachingoutonehandtowardher,"let'sgoseehim."
Shehesitated,thentookmyhandandrosefromthebed.
Wefoundtheredheadednurse,whosenameturnedouttobeBlair,atthenurse's

station.ShegushedabitabouttheGiantswhileClarissafilledoutsomeformsforher
release—technically anyone in a hospital bed had to be released—then directed us
towardCoachWalker'sroom.

Wepushedthedooropenslightlyandpeekedinside.Aseriesofblurpsandbleeps

shotoutatus,piercingoureardrums.Helookedbad.Alargeventilatorlaynearhim.
Seeinghiminthathospitalbed,technicallyalivebutbatteredandbreathingthrougha
tube,drovearangeofemotionsthroughme,fromsadnesstoangertojoy.Iwasglad
thathewasalivebutwrackedwithguiltoverhowhe'dgottenhereinthefirstplace.

"He'sbeenlikeafathertome,"Imumbled."TheonlyoneI'veeverknown."
"What?"Clarissawhispered.Idon'tknowwhywewerebothbeingsoquiet.Itwasn't

asifwewouldaccidentallywakehimbytalkingtooloudly.

"Nothing,"Isaid,shakingmyhead.Herhandclaspedaroundmine,graspingmeso

tightly she almost crushed my fingers. I was surprised to find her grip was almost as
strongassomeoftheyoungerplayersontheteam.

"He loves you like a son," she told me now. I felt tears welling in my eyes for the

second time that night and tried desperately to push them away. "That's why he was
asking the nurses for you when he first got here, before he lost consciousness. He
wantedtoknowthatyouwereokay."

Onethickteardrippeddownmycheek.Itpissedmeoffthatitwasthere.Iwipedit

away."Ican'tlookathimlikethis,"Itoldher."He'sstrongerthanthis."Iguessitwas
her turn to comfort me. She put her hand on my elbow and guided me toward the
door.

"Let's go," she said. We left the hospital feeling exhausted. The cool night air felt

goodagainstourskin.Icaughtsomemovementoutofthecornerofmyeye,andwhen
Iturnedmyhead,IcouldhaveswornIsawMarcoRossidartintotheshadowsofthe
parking garage. I hoped I was imagining things. Marco Rossi was one of Angelo's top
henchmen,andIwantednothingtodowithhim.Ifhewashere,itspelledtroublefor
whomever he came in contact with. I hoped Angelo hadn't sent him to spy on me. I
wonderedforthehundredthtimenowwhatI'dbeenthinkingclimbingbackintobed
withacareercriminallikeAngelo.Iwatchedtheshadowsamomentlongerbutdidn't
seeMarcoagain.MaybeI'dimaginedhim.

WedrovebacktoClarissa’shousewiththeradioblasting,tryingtocheerourselves

withsomegoldenoldies.Itdidn'twork.Walkinginside,wewereimmediatelyengulfed
withsilence.Itwasasquietasagraveyard.

"Wantsomecoffee?"sheasked.

"No,thanks."Istaredoutthewindowsintothedarksky,litbyamillionstars."What

timeisit?"Isuddenlyasked,realizingIdidn’thaveaclue.

Shelookedatherphone."Two."
That meant it was officially the next day. A new day. A day to set things right.

StartingwithClarissa.

Iwalkedacrosstheroomtoherintwolargestridesandpulledhertome.Mymouth

foundhers,bindingustightlytogetherasourtonguescollided.Shewaswarmandwet
andsensual,everythingawomanshouldbe.Andshewasn'tresisting.

"Idon'twanttohurtyouagain,"Itoldher,forcingmyselftopullawaylongenough

togetthewordsout.I'dnevertoldawomanthatIcaredforherbefore—Ihadn'tmeta
womanthatIhadcaredabout...beforeClarissa—andIwasn'tsurehowtosayitnow.
"I...Inevermeant..."

"Justshutupandkissme,Lars."

CLARISSA

t wasn't just that I wanted Lars. It was that I needed him. I needed to forget about

everythingthathadhappenedtoday,andsodidhe.

I closed my eyes and immersed myself in the feel of his smooth skin beneath my

fingertips.Hissculptedbodywashottothetouch.Ifhe'dbeenaradiator,Iwouldhave
burnedmyself.Ibeganexploringhim,spreadingmylong,lithefingersasIskimmed
thehardlayersofhisabdomen.

Hisbreathblewagainstmyskinlikeafanpushinghotair.Fromthemomenthislips

touchedmine,awildwaveofpassionrolledfrommyheadallthewaydowntomytoes
andbackupagain.Hisfirm,softlipskissedmewithfuriousintensity,demandingmore
of me than anyone before him ever had. His tongue slid along my upper lip before
moving further down my body, concentrating the rough texture of his taste buds on
the nape of my neck as he licked the moist, salty steam seeping from my skin. My
kneesquiveredattheenticinginvasionofhisopenlips.

I wrapped my arms around him for support, not wanting to fall for a third time

tonight.Hisstrongarmsliftedmewithouteffort,carryingmeupthestairs.

"Doyouknowwhereyou'regoing?"Ipurred.
"No, but it doesn't matter. I want you so bad right now, I could fuck you on these

stairs."

"Putmedownthenandstopwastingtime."
Hesetmegentlyonmyfeetatthetopofthelanding.Ipulledhisshirtoverhishead

and stared in shock at the chest before me. I had pictured it a thousand times in my
headsincemeetinghim.Thatnightinthealleyhadn'tpreparedmeforthis.Thehard
planes of his chest were like airplane runways calling me in. I reached out with my
velvetsofttongueandlappedathisskin,notcaringhowanimalisticthebehaviorwas,
onlywantingtotastehimfromnaveltoneck.

My tongue moved in long, slow strokes over his taut, coppery-brown skin. His

muscles rose and fell in giant waves as he exhaled, and I sailed with him whichever
directionhewent.Thebedroomwasjustdownthehall,buttherewasnotimeforit.I
triednottowhimperashepressedhiscoreagainstme.Hiscockwasalreadyrockhard,
waiting for me to free it from the confines of his pants. I ran my fingertips over the
fabricofhisjeans,teasingthebulgetherebystrokingmyfingersfirmlyagainstit,then
layingoffandtouchinghimwithfeather-lightfingertips,thenstrokinghimhardonce

again.

My panties were damp and only grew more moist and hot as urgency consumed

me.Herolledhishipsagainstmine,pressingourcorestogether.Butthefabricofour
clothingstillseparatedus.Ineededtofeelhisfleshagainstmine.

"Undressme,"Iwhispered.Hisfingersdugintomyback,makingmeitchformore

ofhim.

Heliftedmyhandsovermyhead,tracinghisstrongfingersupovermyskinfrom

my underarm to my fingertips, before pulling my shirt over my head and tossing it
ontothefloor.Mybracamenext.TheblacklaceI'dwornwassexyandappetizing,but
Iwantedmyfreedomfromit.Hesawthedesperationinmyeyesandkissedmedeeper
ashishandswrappedaroundmybackandunfastenedtheclasps.

My bra fell to the floor, and my breasts were fully exposed to him now. He didn't

need to wait for my invitation. His mouth moved to my perfect, pink nipples. He
openedwideandplacedhislipsgentlyoverme,swirlinghistongueovermydarkpink
points.Hestartedwithmyrightbreast,movingtomyleftonlywhenmyrightnipple
was perfectly erect. He concentrated all of his efforts on making my nipple hard and
round,flickinghistongueagainstmelikeacatlappingatasaucerofmilk.

I groaned and arched my back, my thighs clenching. "Stop teasing and fuck me

already." His tongue slid between my breasts, silky warm as he swept it downward
toward my navel. He slipped it inside my belly button, moving it in and out until I
thoughtImightcumfromhimmouthfuckingmybellybutton.

Thetimehe'dfuckedmeoutsidethebarhadbeenforeplaycomparedtothis.Icould

seethebottleduplustinhiseyesashisarousalrubbedagainstme,aprimalurgenot
unlikemyownfillinghisentirebody.Ihookedmythumbsaroundhisbeltloopsand
pushedhispantstothefloorwhilehedidthesamewithmine.

Hespunmearound,pressingmybackagainstthewall,fleshagainstflesh.Hiscock

was rock solid as he began to grind his body against me, using my wetness to make
himself slick. I could feel his throbbing pulse as he pressed his tip to my opening.
Slowly, deliberately, he inched his way inside me. I kissed his wet lips, tasting the
sweet-saltysweatthathadbrokenacrosshisskin.Hisheartbeatfastandhard,skipping
beatsasIpressedmybreastsharderagainsthischest.

IknewthatIcouldkisshimfordaysandstillfindsomenewpartofhimtoexplore.

Heslidthesoft,heavypalmofhishandovermyrightthigh,pullingitupsothatIcould
wrapitaroundhim.Itightenedmyleg,curlingittowardmelikeIwasasnakeandhe
wasdinner.Mylegstrembledashepusheddeeperintome,rockinghishipsfasternow
asheworkedhiswayintomytight,wetpussy.

Ihadtobitemyliptostifleascreamashisfleshengorgedinsideme,sendingmy

head into a tailspin. My urgency evolved into something raw and base. I was being
invaded.Hiscockwasthefirstexploreronanewworld,andeachthrust,eachpulse,
washimprobingme.Iletoutaloudgroanasmymusclesspasmed,bucklingmyknees
andsendingmedowntothefloor.Hehalf-caught,half-fellwithme,landingontopof
measthefloorbecameourmattress.

Neverlosingabeat,Larspumpedharderashesoughtoutnewterraindeepinside

my pussy. The floor was cool against my back as every pore on my body began to
warm up, melting me from the inside out. My head began to spin as I watched his

golden,polishedassmovedupanddown,upanddown,pumpinginandoutofmewith
hismassivepieceofsteel.

"OhGod!"Icriedout,unabletocontainmyself.Afreshsuccessionofspasmsrocked

my body as my inner thighs clenched and my hole tightened around the base of his
cock.Hepushedhiswaypastanyobstaclesandfoundhiswaydeeperinsidemestill,
his mass swelling from side to side as my wetness warmed him. His juice began to
trickleout,heatingmycave,untilfinallymymouthopenedwideandmymindwent
blank.Iwaspossessedbythebasestpartsofme,partsthathadbeenhiddenandtucked
awayforyears.Iwantedallofhim,everylastounce.Mypussyclenchedashisjuices
spilledoutofhim,flowingfreelythroughmeandoverflowingmycave.

When I opened my eyes again, he was looking at me with something more than

lust.

"What?"Iwhispered,mybodydrained.
"Nothing,"hereplied."Thatwasjustthebestsexofmylife."
Ismiledathim,hislipsinchesfrommine."Justwaituntilnexttime."

LARS

waiteduntilClarissawasasleepbeforesneakingoutofherbedroomtocallAngelo.I

was sick of this guilt hanging over my head. Fucking Clarissa had alleviated it for a
time,butlikeabadheadache,ithadcomebackworsethanever.

I pulled my phone out as I stepped into the office across the hall from Clarissa's

room.Isoftlyclosedthedoorandnotedhowsilentlyitmoved.Itneverevenmadea
squeak.IthankedGodforsmallfavorsasImademywaytothemassiveoakdeskthat
dominatedtheroom.

Thephonerangfivetimes,andIwasjustwonderingifIshouldtryagainlaterwhen

agruffvoicepickedup.

"Thisbetterbegood,"Angelogrowledintothephone,hisvoicethickwithfatigue.
Shit.Whyhadn'tIwaiteduntilmorning?Fouro'clockwashardlytherighttimeto

wake someone up with bad news. Especially when that someone was a fucking mob
boss.ButallI'dbeenabletothinkaboutsincelearningthatCoachWalkerwasinthe
hospital was how I'd betrayed him. It hadn't occurred to me until I was lying in bed
besideClarissa,listeningtothesoftsoundofherbreathasshelayherheadagainstmy
chest,thatbybetrayingCoach,Ihadbetrayedheraswell.Andtwobetrayalsweretwo
toomany.

"Sorry,Angelo."
"Lars?"Icouldhearhimshakingthesleepoff.
"Yeah.Iwould'vecalledlater,butIknowhowyouhatebadnews.Youalwayssaid

that kind of thing was better to get sooner rather than later. I assume that still holds
true."

Therewassilenceforasecond.
"Whatisit,oldbuddy?"
Ohshit.Ifhewaspullingthat'oldbuddy'shitwithme,thatmeanthewasexpecting

to get mad. Real mad. He only ever said 'old buddy' when he was open to blowing
someone'sheadoff.AndIhadn'teventoldhimwhyIwascallingyet.

"Look,aboutwhatwetalkedaboutearlier...aboutthegame..."
"Whataboutit?"heasked,hisvoicecuttingsharplythroughthephone.
"It'sjustthat...I'vechangedmymind."
Silence.
"Canyourepeatthatplease?"

Itookadeepbreath.
"Ican'tthrowtheSuperBowl."
"Can'torwon't?"
"Both," I said, wondering if that was really true. "The Giants' coach, Brett Walker,

wasinabadcaraccidentthisevening.I'vebeenatthehospitalallnight.Ionlylefta
couplehoursago."

"I'msorrytohearthat,butwhatdoesthathavetodowiththegame,precisely?"
Iexpelledanotherbreath,wishingtherewasaneasywaytogetoutofthis.Theeasy

waywouldhavebeentonotgetintothismessinthefirstplace.Ihadnoonetoblame
butmyself.

"I just can't do it, Angelo. The Super Bowl meant too much to him. It means too

muchtome.Itisn'tright."

"Yourealizethatthismeansyouarebreakinganagreementwithme."
"Irealizethat."
"DoIhavetoremindyouwhathappenstothosewhobreakagreementswithme?"

Hisvoicewasslickandcool,alwayscool.That'swhyhewassogoodatwhathedid.

"No, Angelo, you don't have to remind me. I'm the one who used to enact your

punishmentsforbreakingcontracts,remember?"

"Nevertheless, I think you need a history lesson. Breaking agreements means that

somethingelseneedstogetbroken.Ifyoucan'tensurealossformeduringthegame,I
shallhavetofindsomeotherwaytoensureit."

"Goaheadandbreakmyarmsifyouwant,I'mnotthrowingthegame."
Angelo was quiet. For a moment, I thought I'd lost him. "I don't just break arms

anymore,Lars.Ihavenewmenonmyteam.Menwhoaren'tafraidtogetdirty."

"Whatareyousaying?"
"Thethingsyouusedtodoformeareajokecomparedtowhattheseguyswilldoto

fuckyouup,shouldyouchoosetobefuckedup."

"I'm not choosing anything, Angelo, except to play the best game I can for a man

whomeansalottome."

ThestatichummedoverthephonelinewhileIwaitedforhisreaction.
"Isthatyourfinalwordonthesubject?"
"Itis."
"ThenI'llbeseeingyousoon."
Thephonewentsilent.Isatwithitpressedagainstmyearfornomorethanahalfa

second when there was a creak. He can't be here already! I spun around and saw
Clarissastandingthere,hermouthhangingopen.

Shit.
"Clarissa!" I yelled, jumping from the chair. "How long have you been standing

there?"

"Longenough.Iheardeverything."

CLARISSA

hatthefuckisgoingon,Lars?"

He stared at me with his stupid, dark eyes and ruffled hair, and I wanted to

punch his lights out. Every single thing about him pissed me off right now, from his
goodlookstohisflexedmuscles.Evenhistattooswereannoying.

"Look, let's just relax a minute," he said, taking a deep breath and blowing it back

outasifheexpectedmetodothesame.

"Relax?" I spat the word back at him as if it were a four-letter word. "I heard

everythingyousaid,Lars.HowcanyouexpectmetorelaxwhenI'vejustlearnedthat
you'rethrowingthemotherfuckingSuperBowl?!"

"Whoa,"Larssaid,throwinghishandsupintheairasifIhadaguntrainedonhim.

"Idon'tknowwhatyouthinkyouheard,butyou'vegotitallwrong."

"Ohyeah?BecauseIthinktheonlythingI'vegottenwrongislettingyouridiotassin

my bed." I ran toward him, intent on knocking him down. I rammed against him,
trying to push him toward the stairs and out the front door. The whole scene would
probablyhavelookedridiculousifithadbeencaughtoncamera.Iwasattackinghim
likeafootballplayer,rammingmyshoulderintohisside.Hestoodtheretakingitall,
muchlikehehadinthehospital.There,anursehadfinallycomeoutandshushedme.
She’d glared at me as if she'd never seen a frantic woman in a hospital emergency
roombefore.Nowtherewasnonursetostopme.Butmyshoulderwasstartingtoache
anyway,soinsteadofpushingLars,Iglaredathim.

"Areyoucalmenoughtolistentomenow?"
IpantedasIstaredangrilyathim.
"Fuckcalm,"Isnarledundermybreath.
"Iguessnot,then."
"How could you betray my father like that? How could..." I took a deep breath.

"Howcouldyoubetraymelikethat?"

"Listentome,"Larssaid,finallyraisinghisvoiceenoughtobeheardovermyangry

shrieks."IfyoureallyheardeverythingIsaidonthatphone,thenyoushould'veheard
mesayingthatI'dchangedmymindaboutitall."

"Whichmeansthatyouagreedtodoitinthefirstplace."
Lars hesitated. I saw something dark flash in his eyes. "Yes," he said. "I admit it,

alright?I'mashamedofmyself.Iwasn'tthinking."Hischeeksflushedadarkcrimson

ashestaredintentlyatme."Butthat'swhyItoldAngelotocountmeout."

"Angelo? Who the fuck is Angelo?" I tried to catch my breath while my stomach

twisted itself into knots. "Is he one of those scumbags you used to run with? Is this
whatyoumeantwhenyousaidyouweren'tontherightsideofthelaw?Youusedto
workwithcheatersandliarsand—"

"Yes, Clarissa, that's what the wrong side of the law is. Cheaters, liars, thieves, and

murderers."

"Murderers?Isthatwhatyouusedtodobeforeyouwentintofootball?"
"No,justlisten!"
"Iwantyououtofmyhousenow!"
"Fine," Lars snapped. "You won't listen to me. You won't let me get a word in

edgewise.Justletmegetdressed,andI'llgo."

I could see him glowering at me, though I was the one who was justified in my

anger,nothim.Ifollowedhimbacktomybedroom,afraidtolethimoutofmysight,
asifhemightstartstealingourtowelsorgoingthroughmyjewelry.Youcouldn'ttrust
acareercriminallikeLarsclearlywas.Hischestmusclesflexedtightlyashepulledhis
fitted shirt over his head. Every time he breathed, it was like watching a waterfall of
musclerippleacrosshischestinatidalwaveofbare,sinewyflesh.

Itriedtostaymadathim,butthemoreIwatchedhim,theeasieritwastobecome

distracted.IreplayedsnippetsfromtheconversationI'doverheardLarshaving.

Goaheadandbreakmyarmsifyouwant,I'mnotthrowingthegame.
I'vechangedmymind.
Ican'tthrowtheSuperBowl.
All I'd heard when I'd come out of my bedroom was "throw the Super Bowl." I

hadn'tstoppedtoabsorbeverythinghewassaying.Larswasclearlytellingtheasshole
onthephonetofuckoff.

"Shit," I murmured. Lars was putting on his shoes when I approached him. He

flinchedasmyhandreachedouttotouchhischestthroughthethinfabricofhisshirt.
Hewasprobablyexpectingmetohithimagain."Dammit,Lars.I'msorry.You'reright,
Iwasn'tevenlisteningtoyou."

Hisfacerelaxed,thelookinhiseyessofteningasheturnedtome.
"I'mreadytolisten,"Isaid."Only...Iwantthetruth.Allofit."
"You might not like me much anymore after you hear it, but if it's the truth you

want...thenit'sthetruthyou'llget."

LARS

hatedthewayClarissawaslookingatme.Itwasasifhereyeshadgrownthreesizes

too big for her head. Her petal pink lips were pursed into a tight bow that made me
simultaneously want to kiss her and tell her to relax. She sat on the edge of her bed,
grippingthesheettightlyinherhandsasifshewerelisteningtoaghoststory.

"Themob?"sheasked."Asin...themafia?Likeinthemovies?"
Inodded.IsatacrossfromherinadeskchairthatI'dpulledout.Irestedmyhead

onitsbackasIletherthinkthrougheverythingI'djusttoldher.

Shedrewinadeepbreath.Iwatchedherbreastsliftasherchestexpandedunder

her robe. I wondered—I hoped—that I'd get to see them again after everything had
settled.ThiswasallthestuffI'dkepthiddenfromthosearoundme.Coachhadguessed
at some of it because he was a clever man. My mom knew about a lot of it because
she'dspentherwholelifeinVinegarHill,justlikeme.Only,evenshedidn'tknowthat
I'dcradledAsh'sheadinmyarmsashebledoutonme.Thathislastwords,tellingme
togetoutofthislife,hadsparkedsomethinginmethatIwouldbeforevergratefulfor.

"Sothisfriendofyours,Ash..."Iwatchedhereyessearchingfortherightwaytoask

herquestion.Evennow,IhadahardtimetalkingaboutAshwithouttearingup."You
sayhediedwhenyouwereoutonajobforthisguy,Angelo?"

"That'sright."I'dgivenhereveryfactIcouldthinkof,waswillingtoanswerevery

questionshe'dhad,includingtheonesthatwerestillcoming.

"So,whathappenedtotheguyswhokilledhim?"
Ipaused,wonderingpreciselyhowopenIshouldbehere.
"Just tell me the truth," she said, sensing my hesitation. "I can take it. You swore

you'danswerallmyquestions."

I sighed and hoped she wouldn't have nightmares later. "Angelo sent some guys

afterBigNoseVincentandcuthisnoseoff.Theyleftagapingholeinhisskullwherehis
nostrilsusedtobe.ThenAngelotookthatnosedowntohisbutcherandputitthrough
ameatgrinder."

Clarissa's jaw dropped open. I could see her mind spinning and wished I hadn't

gotten into it with such detail. At least I'd left out the part about Angelo feeding his
specialhomemade burger to BigNose before dropping himfeet first into the Hudson
River. Bricks had a funny way of dragging people to the bottom and keeping them
there.

"Didhedie?"Clarissaasked.Inodded."Whatabouttheothers?"
I decided from the green look on her face that she'd had enough stories for one

evening."Angelotookcareofit,"Itoldher,givingheraquicksummary.

Shecockedoneeyebrowatmebutaskednomore.
"So...whenyouleftAngelo's,um,employment,youdidn't...Imean,hedidn't,like,

trytostopyou?"

"Areyouaskingifhethreatenedtocutoffmynoseorsomethingevenmorevital?"
Shenodded.
"No. At least, not unless I talked to the cops or the Feds, but that holds true of

anyone."

"Andthisguy,Angelo...he'stheoneyouwereonthephonewithtonight?Theone

you'vejustrescindedyourdealwith?"

Inodded.
"Aren'tyouworried?Whatifhecomesafteryou?"
Ithoughtaboutit."Itoldyouonce,andI'lltellyouagain...mylifeain'tworthshitifI

don'tlikethemanIam.AndfuckingoverCoachandtherestoftheteam...andyou...I'd
ratherbedead."

Clarissa's crystal blue eyes stared at me with a fever I'd never seen before. She

slippedofftheedgeofthebedandwalkedlanguidlytowardme.Stoppingafewinches
frommyface,sheliftedherhand.IbracedmyselffortheslapIknewwascomingand
closedmyeyes,readyforthestingIknewIdeserved.

Suddenly,Ifelthersofthandsliparoundthebackofmyneckandpullmeclose.Her

mouthfoundmine,moistandreadyforher.Sheslidhersupplepinktonguealongmy
upper lip before pressing herself firmly against me. I opened my eyes, feeling an
urgencythatwasnowconsumingme,tryingtobreakfree.

"Ican'tbelieveyou'driskyourlifelikethatformyfather,"shewhispered,herhot

breathonmyface.Icouldsmellvanillaandcinnamonemanatingfromeachstrandof
herhair."You'rethebestkindofdangerous...dangeroustoeveryoneexceptme.AndI
thinkIlikethat.Alot."WildpassionovertookmeasshefellintomyarmsandIcarried
hertothebed.

CLARISSA

feltlikeavirginteenagerashecarriedmetothebed.MybodytrembledsothatIwas

hardlyabletomove.Itoldmyselftosnapoutofit.I'dalreadyfuckedLarstwice.There
was nothing to be anxious about. But this time was different. This was a new Lars.
Openinguptomeashehadhadmadeeverythingfreshandunfamiliar.

I raised my head to Lars’ mouth as he held me in his arms. Anxiety bubbled up

insidemelikeapercolatorsetonthestovewiththeheatturnedallthewayup.Helaid
megentlyonthebedandsteppedback.Thefittedshirthe'dputonwhenIwastryingto
kick him out clung tightly to his muscles as if his whole body were wet. He pulled it
overhishead,exposinghissumptuous,sculptedform.

Hisgoldenbrownskinwascoveredwithtattoos,whichwerequicklybecomingone

ofmyfavoritethingsabouthim.EverytimeIsawthetattoos,theyarousedsomething
deep and primal within me. Slowly, he pulled down the silver zipper of his jeans,
exposingjustthetuftofdark,coarsecurlsatthebaseofhiscock.MyheartracedasI
picturedwhatlayfurtherdownbetweenhistight,goldenthighs.

"Showme,"Ibegged."Ican'twaitanymore."MyvoicewasraspyasItriedtogetmy

breathingundercontrol.Hepulledhiszipperbackup,tauntingme.

Aslysmilespreadacrosshislips."I'lltellyouwhen."
His voice sent a deep chill down my spine. He climbed onto the bed with me, his

weightpushingthemattressdownashestraddledonelegoneithersideofmywaist.
Hishand reached up andbrushed the robe frommy shoulders, shooting instant heat
upmyspine.MynerveendingswereallonalertasLarsleanedoverme,kissingfirst
my bare right shoulder, then my left. I lifted my head to his bare chest, inhaling his
masculinescent.

Itfeltlikethewiresinmybrainwereallcrisscrossed,shortingoutdifferentpartsof

mybody.Mytoestingled,mythighsitched,andthebackofmyneckfeltlikeitwason
fire.Ibreathedinhiscaptivatinglips,hisdarkmidnightcoloredhair,andhiscaramel
eyes.Thetattoosthatcoveredhischiseledchestarousedthebadgirlinme.

I kissed a small green dragon in the upper left quadrant of his chest, running my

tongueoverthethickscalesthatcoveredhisbareflesh.Thedragon'sbodyspannedjust
afewinchesofhischest,butitspointedtailranthewidthofhim,fromhislefttohis
rightsideandbackagain,creatingafigureeight.Iletmytonguetrailthewholelength
of the tail, as if his body were a cold drink of water on a hot day. When I got to the

sharp,pointedtipofthetail,Iswirledmytonguearoundit,daringittostingme.The
dragonbreathedfirebackintomeasmysalivasizzledonhisskin.

Heopenedmyrobesothatmybreastsspilledout,forcinghisgazetomycenter.I

could see the blaze in his eyes as he took in my voluptuous body, licking his lips. He
reacheddownwithonesoftyetfirmhandandbegantostrokethesofttissuebetween
mythighs.Mybackarchedasmybrainregisteredthepleasureofhisfingertipsonmy
clit, slowly twirling around the delicate pink flesh that began to blossom under his
experttouch.

Heleaneddownandkissedmyribs,teasingmysensitiveskin.Heslidhistongueup

overmychest,betweenmybreasts,tomycollarbone,wherehekissedmegently,still
rubbingmyclitwithhissoft,thickthumbpad.Mycorefeltlikeitwasonfireashetook
mydarkpinknipplesintohismouth.Flamesmovedthrougheverypartofme,from
myheadtomyfeet,sendingshockwavesupanddownmybody.Everyinchofmewas
melting.Ireacheddownandpulledathiszipper.

"Ican'ttakemuchmoreofthis,"Isaid,barelyabletofindmyvoice.
"I already told you once," Lars said, his hot breath blowing against my ear. "I say

when."

I felt the smoothness of his chest as I reached out my fingertips, brushing them

lightlyoverhisskinasmyhandsincheddownwards.Thezipperthatseparateduswas
cold on my skin. I tugged at it with desperate fingers. Lars laughed, finally showing
mercyonmeandpushingmyhandsgentlyasidesohecouldlowerthezipperhimself.

His cock slipped out from under the fabric of his jeans as I worked frantically to

pushthemdownhiswaist.Theypooledaroundhiskneesashecontinuedtostraddle
me.Ispreadmyfingerswideandtracedthehardridgesofhisshaftasheatradiatedoff
him.HegroanedsoftlyasIbegantostrokehiscock,hisarousalgrowingwitheachup
anddownmovement.Isatupanddrewhismouthtomine,concentratingonthefeel
ofhissoft,supplelipsashepressedthemhardagainstme.

Suddenly,hisjeanswereoffandonthefloor.Heslippedmyrobetherestoftheway

offandthrewitaside.Ileanedbackonthebedandspreadmylegsforhim,sendingan
open invitation. His tongue slipped between my thighs, tasting me, caressing my clit
withhisvelveteentongue.

Iclampedmyhandsonthesideofthemattress,pullingthecornerofthesheetoff

thebedasmybodyspasmed.Ifeltmycoreerupt,desireovertakingmeasLarsslipped
histonguedeepinsidemyhole.Mypussywasalreadywetandonlygrowingwetterby
thesecond.Igroanedloudlyasmyeyesrolledbackward.

He lifted his head, kissing my lips before leaning close to my ear. "Now," he

breathed,"it'swhen."

LARS

'dneverhad to work so hard to control myself. From the moment I'd touched her,

mycockwasreadytoerupt.Asmytongueworkeditswayintoeverysinfulcurveshe
owned,thelookinhereyeshotwiredmybrainlikeastolencar.Itwasn'tjustClarissa's
curvesthathadmesoturnedon,itwaseverythingabouther.Shehadafierytemper
deepinsideherthatwasasdangerousasitwasprovocative.

She looked at me with such passion as my fingers moved over her sweet, supple

skinthatajoltofelectricityshotupmybackandspreadintomygrowingshaft,making
it feel alive. She was looking at me with those crystal blue eyes, panting, her arousal
obviousasIslippedmyfingersdeepinsideherpussy.Ipulledthembackout,breathing
inthescentasIpressedherwetnesstomylips.Shegroaned,squirmingunderme.I
neededtotasteherjustoncemore.MyheartbeatfuriouslyinmychestasIlowered
myheadtohersoftmound,lappingatherdelicateclitasherthighstrembled.

"OhGod,"shecried.Icouldtellshewasclose,andIhadn'tevenenteredheryet.My

breathing grew labored as I swirled my tongue around her, my cock starting to ache
withanticipation.Myurgencyoverwhelmedmeasherseductivelipsoncemorefound
mine,andherhandsreacheddown,strokingmythrobbingcockassheteaseditwith
light,wetfingertips.Irockedmyhipsforwardslightly,sendingmymembercareening
between her damp thighs but not yet entering her. I bathed my cock in her juices as
herlimbsbegantotremble.Icouldhearherheartslammingagainstherchest.

Her eyes held me captive as I watched the surge of emotion created by my cock

rubbingagainsther.Shewassowet,itwasalmostimpossibletobelieve.Islippedmy
shaftthroughherwetnessonelasttimebeforefinallyenteringher.Hereyeswidened.
Herfacechanged.AlarmwashedovermeforasecondasIthoughtI'dhurther.

"Areyoualright?"Ibreathed,alreadystartingtopullout.
She hand clamped tightly down on my ass, pushing me back in. "God, yes," she

cried.

MycocktwitchedinsideherasIsankdeeperinside.Herbodyconsumedme.From

the moment I'd seen her, this was what I'd wanted. Now that I had her, my brain
ceasedtothink.AllthatIcoulddowasfeel.Mycockwassingingasitsailedinandout
ofher.Sheclampedonehandonmyshoulder,digginghernailsdeeperintomewith
eachpulseofmyhips.

Every time I thrust my hips against hers, her breasts shook. I couldn't deny their

intoxicating pull as they quivered in front of me, full and juicy, ready to burst. I
reacheddownwithmytongue,tappingthetipofitagainstherhardpinknipplesasmy
bodybegantosweat.TheroundnubfeltathomeinmymouthasIsuckledher,rolling
mytonguearoundhernippleaswebegantomovetogether,ourbodiescompletelyin
sync.Herpussywaswarmandwet.Icouldfeelherthighsclenchasmyhipsmethers
beatforbeat.Icouldn'ttakeitanymore.Ipushedmywaydeepinsideherasherbody
criedout.Ipoundedmyhipsagainsthers,partingherthighsthatmuchmorewiththe
forceofmythrust.Shewrappedherarmsaroundmyback,digginghernailsintome.

Our bodies were so hot our flesh melted together. I slammed into her again, my

heart palpitating. I could feel my mouth watering as my fingers scraped the satin
smoothskinofherbackasIheldhertightly.Ipressedmycockintohersilkenwarmth
andfeltmyselfstarttoerupt.Suddenly,Clarissa'sbodyclenched.Shecriedoutasher
juices overflowed, wetting both of us as I sank into her one last time. I exploded,
pumpinglightlyintoherasmycockgrewafinalinch.Hotcumspilledoutofmeand
filledher.

Sheburiedherheadinthecrookofmyneckaswelaytogether,exhausted,andfell

asleepineachother'sarms.

CLARISSA

wokeupfeelingrefreshed.Ilookedtomyleft,andpartofmewassurprisedtofind

that Lars was still there. I crawled out of bed quietly, not wanting to wake him. He
lookedsopeacefulwhenhewasasleep.Thehardworrylinesacrosshisforeheadand
aroundhiseyesseemedtoevaporate.Ifigureditwouldn'thurttolethimsleepjusta
bitlonger.Idressedandmademywaydownstairs.

Everythingaboutmyliferightnowwasconfusing—exceptforLars.Lastnighthad

cementedeverythingforme.Istillcouldn'tbelievethewayhe'dopeneduptome.His
pastwaslikeanightmare,butmostpeoplewereabletowakeoutoftheirbaddreams
withthedawn.ForLars,thenightmareneverended.Evenwhenhe'dbrokenfreefrom
hispast,ithadcomebacktofindhim.Heshouldneverhavemadethatstupidcontract
withAngelolikehehad,butatleastIcouldunderstandwhyhedidit.

I pulled some eggs and bacon from the fridge, thinking I could surprise Lars with

breakfast.Iwasn'tmuchofacook,butbaconandeggs,Icoulddo.Isetsomeorange
juiceonthecounterandgrabbedtwoglasses.Asuddenwaveofnausearolledoverme.
It passed quickly, but it was enough to remind me that although Lars had been open
and honest with me, I hadn't been open with him. Guilt beat behind my eyeballs,
making them hurt. I rubbed my temples, hoping it would go away, but it only grew
stronger. I had to face facts. After last night, I no longer thought of my pregnancy as
somethingIcouldorshouldbedecidingalone.IhadtotellLars.

"Morning, beautiful," Lars said. I jumped a foot in the air, sending one egg flying

across the room where it landed at Lars’ feet. He laughed, "Guess I scared you." He
kissedmelightlyonthecheeksasItriedtorelaxmyface.Ididn'tneedhimaskingme
whatwaswrong,orworse,guessingitbeforeIwasreadytotellhim.Yes,Ihadtotell
himthismorning,buttimingwascrucialhere.Icouldn'tjustblurtitout.Breakfastfirst,
thenwewouldtalk.

You'rejuststalling.
"Shutup,"Imumbledundermybreath.
"What?" Lars asked, looking up at me from the floor where he was wiping up the

brokenegg.God,whydidhehavetobesonice?Ifonlyhewoulddosomethingterrible,
Icouldgetmadandsendhimhome,andthenIwouldn'thavetotellhimanything.

"Howdoyoulikeyoureggs?"Iasked.
"Scrambled works for me," he said, shooting me that fucking smile of his. Why

couldn'thisteethbecrookedorbrownorhaveoneofthoselittlespacesinthemiddle
of them? Anything to make this easier. He'd grown up poor. How could someone so
poorhavesuchgoodteeth?Therewasnowayhe'dbeentothedentistgrowingup.

"What?"Iasked,shakingmyheadtoclearit.Icouldn'tletmyselffallintoanymore

trances.Larswasboundtonotice.

"I said scrambled," he replied, standing up and dumping the paper towel and egg

intothetrash."What'sup?Everythingokay?"

"Sure," I replied, a little too cheerily for so early in the day. "Couldn't be better."

Jesus,stoptalkingalready.

Ipulledsixstripsofbaconfromtheirpackageandtossedthemontothefryingpan.

Larscameupbehindmeandwrappedhishandaroundmywaist.Itriednottojumpas
hetouchedme,butitwastoolate,he'dfeltthesuddenshiftofmybodyunderhis.

"Okay,what'sgoingon?"heasked.
"Nothing,"Ilied.Iwasonlydiggingadeeperholeformyself,butIjustcouldn'tseem

toformthewordsneededtotellhimwhatwasgoingon.

Lars' face turned abruptly ashen. He stepped back from me, his deep brown eyes

goingglassy."Ohshit,"hesaid.

"What?"
"Iknowwhattheproblemis."
I held my breath. There was no way he could have guessed, could he? Had the

doctorsornursesatthehospitalsaidsomethingtohimafterall?

"Whatdoyoumean?"Iasked,thechippertoneinmyvoicesoundingfalseevento

myownears.

"You'vechangedyourmind."
Myjawdroppedopen.Howthehellhadhefoundout?
"I don't know if I've changed it, exactly. I just think we should talk about it, that's

all."

Heslammedhisfistagainstthecounter,andmyheartracedinmychest."I'msorry.

This isn't your fault," he said, his eyes cold as steel. "It's me. It's all me. If I'd never
joinedthatstupidgang...ifIhadn'ttoldAngeloI'dtakehisstupidhundredmilliondollar
bribe...HowcanIexpectyoutowanttobewithmewhenIhavethepastthatIdo?"He
stoodstockstill,hisfacepale.Heliftedonehandtowipesomehairfromhiseyes,andI
sawitwastrembling.

"Wait...what?"Iasked,confusionwashingoverme.
Helookedupatme,hiseyesdarkerthannormal.Therewasanguishbehindthem.

"You could have any guy you wanted. I was a fucking idiot to think you might want
me. I'm not sorry I told you, though. I could never keep something important from
you.Youhadtoknowthetruthaboutme.JustknowthatI'llalwaysbehereforyouif
youchangeyourmind."

"Wait,Lars,"Isaid,stoppinghimbeforehecouldreachtheentryway."Whatthehell

areyoutalkingabout?Idon'tcareaboutyourpast.Weallhaveapast."

Heblinked,notquitecomprehending."Youdon'tcare?"
"No."
"But I thought...I thought that in the light of day, you know, you'd changed your

mind."

"Notevenremotely,"Isaid.Thesmilethatlituphisfacesaiditall.ItwasasifI'djust

given him the best Christmas present ever. He had his lips planted on mine before I
couldblink.

"Wait," he said, suddenly pulling away from me. "What were you talking about

then?"

"What?" I asked. His kiss had knocked the wind right out of me. I couldn't think

straight.

"WhenIsaidyou'dchangedyourmind,yousaiditwasn'tthatyou'dchangedit,it

wasthatweshouldtalkaboutit.Whatdidyoumean?"

Ifeltmyheartcatchinmychest,pushingthebreathfromme."I...uh...wastalking

aboutthemoneyAngeloofferedyou.Wasitreallyahundredmilliondollars?"

Henodded.
"That'sinsane!Howcanyougiveallthatup?"
"BecausethewayAngelo'sofferingittomeisn'ttheonlywaytogetit."Hesquinted

atme."Areyousurethat'stheonlythingonyourmind?"

"Yes...no.Idon'tknow,"Isuddenlysnapped,throwingmyhandsupintheair."Do

youalwaysasksomanyquestionsinthemorning?"HislipstightenedasIheardbacon
popping behind me. "Shit!" I yelled, spinning around and pulling the bacon off the
stove. I looked back at Lars, who was standing with his arms folded across his chest
now.

"Youknowyoucantellme,"hesaid.
Isighedandtookadeepbreath.Iguessit'snowornever."Fine,Idon'treallyknow

howtosaythis.Lars—"

Thephonecutmeoff.Ilookedinitsdirection,gratefulfortheescape.Ipickeditup

offthecounter,Larswatchingmethewholetime.

"Hello?"Iasked.
"ClarissaWalker?"
"That'sme."
"I'm Nurse Catchum in your father's ward. I was calling to let you know that you

mightwanttogetdownhere."

"What?Why?Isheokay?"
"I'mafraidhe'stakenaturnfortheworse."
Ihungupwiththehospital,myeyesalreadywatering."What'swrong?"Larsasked.
"Mydad."Ifellintohisarms.
"I'mgoingwithyou."
"No,"Imumbledintohischest.Ilookedupathim,tearsstreamingdownmyface.
"OfcourseIam!"HewaslookingatmelikeIwascrazy.
"Lars, if you really want to help my dad, the best thing for you to do is win that

SuperBowl.That'swhathe'dwant.Thegameisintwodays.Thatmeansyouneedtogo
topractice.I'lltextyouthesecondIknowanything."

Isawhisjawsetandhislipsformahard,thinline."Iwon'tletyoudown.Iwon'tlet

himdown."

"I'mcountingonit."

LARS

pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex, wanting a fresh change of

clothes before I ran to practice. There was an open spot right out front of my door. I
grabbed it and got out, hustling to make sure I made it in time. Our assistant coach,
TomMiller,hadtakenoverCoachWalker'sjobsincetheaccident.

Iwasn'tpayingmuchattentiontowhereIwaswalkingorwhatIwasdoing.Iwas

justsortofspacingout,worryingaboutCoach.PartofmekeptthinkingthatIshould've
gonewithClarissatothehospital,butIknewshewasright.Icouldn'tletCoachdown.I
knewitwascrazy,butIkeptthinkingthatifIcouldjustwinthebiggameforCoach,
he'dsnapoutofhiscomasomehow.Itsoundedlikeawild,new-ageykindoftheory,
butIfiguredthatstrangerthingshadhappened.

A shadow stepped out onto the path I was walking on. I moved to go around

whomeveritwasandlookedupasIdidso.Mymouthwentdry.Ishouldhavebeen
expectingthis.

"Hello,Lars."
"Hello,Angelo."
We stood staring at each other for what felt like several minutes. The clouds

overheadrolledpastusatasnail'space.Itfeltliketheworldhadsuddenlystopped.

"Think I could come up?" Angelo asked. "I was hoping we might have an

opportunity to talk." His voice was low and steady. He made it that way on purpose.
He'dpracticeditwhenhewasmovinguptheranksinthemob.Asheusedtotellme,
lowandsteadyalwayssoundedmorethreateningthanfastandwhiny.

"Ican't.I'vegotpractice."Myheartracedinmychestasmyeyesdartedaroundthe

suddenly too wide, too open space we were standing in. Open spaces were great for
running.Notsogreatforhiding.

Angelosmiled,onlyAngelo'ssmilesweremoreofasneer.HewaspissedthatIwas

blowinghisbigdealandwantedtofindsomewaytoforcemetokeepmyendofit.The
problemwas,Angeloknewmetoowell.HeknewIwastoughandthatIdidn'tbreak
easily.Thatmeantwhateverpunishmenthecameupwithwasgonnahavetobeextra
hard.

"YouandIgobackalongtime,"Angelosaid."Youwerealwayslikeasontome.You

knowthat,right?"Hesteppedforward,hisrighthandinthepocketofhiscoat.Nowit
wasmyturntosneer.Iwasn'tstupid.AngeloknewthatIwouldknowhehadagunin

there. He was sending me a message. Shape up or ship out. The problem was that I
knewAngelojustaswellasheknewme.He'dnevershootmeinbroaddaylightwhere
anyonecouldseehim.Ofcourse,thatdidn'tmeanhewouldn'thiresomeonetodothe
jobforhim.

"Ason?"Iasked,notbotheringtohidetheskepticisminmyvoice."Ithinkyou're

confused,Angelo.Ibelievewhatyoumeanttosaywas‘servantofdestruction’."

Angelo'seyeswidenedinmockpain."Whatyousayhurtsme.Deeply.YouknowI

alwaystookcareofyou.WhenyouwantedoutafterAshdied,Iletyouout,didn'tI?
AndthenIwentbackandgotthosemotherfuckerswhokilledhimandtookashotat
you and Tony." The more Angelo talked, the more his voice started to rise. "Who do
youthinkputAsh'smarkerinthecemeterywhenyoubailedoutonus?Whotookcare
of his memory, huh? And this is how you repay me? With this bullshit?" Spittle flew
fromhismouthasheyelled.Hepointedattheairwithonefinger,likeacrazedstreet
preacherpointingtowardGod.

"YoudidtakecareofAsh'smemoryandthatscumbagNose,andI'mforevergrateful

toyouforthat.ButAngelo...thisisdifferent."

"Why?"
"BecauseI'mdifferent."
Andthereitwas.Thefinalstatementonthesubject.Adeclarationtherewasnoway

thatAngelocoulddeny.Heclaspedhishandstogetherinfrontofhim."Thatyouare,"
hesaid,hisvoicecrackingeversoslightly.

"Now,please.Ifyoureallycaredformelikeason,thenleavemebe."
"NothingIcansaywillchangeyourmind?"
"No."
Angelo shook his head and started back down the path toward the parking lot. A

blacksedanpulleduptomeethim.Hewalkedpastmelookingsolemn,andIknewI
hadn'theardthelastofhim.

Outofnowhere,awoman'svoiceshoutedshrillythroughtheair."Thereyouare!"
Iturnedtoseeawomanwithlong,straightblackhairandalimegreenfacepainted

onher.Shewaswearingablackcapethatbillowedoutaroundherasshewalked,like
she was flying through the air instead of walking on cement. She sneezed every few
feet, pausing just long enough to wipe carefully at her nostrils without actually
touchinghermakeup.Itseemedanimpossibletask.

"Madeline?" I asked, confused. "Is that you?" Would this morning never end? I'd

almostputheroutofmymindcompletely."Whyareyoudressedlikeawitch?"

"Becausethat'stheonlypartIcanget,thankstoClarissa."Iheardthebitternessin

hervoiceanddidn'tfeelsorryforheronebit.

"Well,Idon'thavetimeforthis.Getthehelloutofhere.Idon'thaveanythingtosay

toyou."

"Yeah? Well, I've got something to say to you. After spending the last eight hours

withthispoisononmyfacemakingmesneezeeveryotherminute..."Asifoncue,she
sneezed. Her face contorted and her eyes watered. Each sneeze sounded like a baby
chipmunksqueakingasitcalledoutforitsmother.ItwouldhavebeencuteifIwasn't
somadather."...andthiswigcementeddownsothatit'snevergonnacomeoff,Ihad
sometimetothink.Ideservebetterthanthis."

Irolledmyeyes.Shewassuchapetulantchild."IfyouwereeverreallyClarissa's

friend,thenyou'llstopwhateverthisisandgohome."

"I can't go home," she said, her white teeth looking especially brilliant against the

glowinggreenofherskin."Ihavetogetbacktoset.WhydoyouthinkI'mstilldressed
likethis?We'reonbreak.Ihadtosneakoffsettocomefindyou.Youknowhowlongit
took me to get into this makeup? And I'm only in the scene for ten fucking minutes!
ANDit'snotevenunion!"Shewasscreamingatthetopofherlungsanddrawingalot
ofstaresfrompassersby.

Angelohadstoppedwalking.Hestoodbesidethesedan,watchinguswithinterest.I

movedfurtherupthepath,anxioustogetawayfromhim.

"Getlost,Madeline."
"Howdoyouknowyoudon'twanttohearwhatI'vegottosayuntilyouhearit?"
TherewasacrazylogictothatIcouldn'tdeny,butIdidn'tgiveashit.Icouldfeel

Angelo'seyesonus."Notnow,"Itoldher,turningmybacktoher.

Sheputherhandonmyshoulderandspunmebackaround."Clarissa'spregnant.

It'syours."

Everyounceofblooddrainedfrommyface."Bullshit."
Sheshookherheadfervently."It'strue."
"Howwouldyouknow?"
"Shetoldme,before...beforeshe..."
"Before she realized what a scum-sucking liar you are? Why should I believe

anythingyoutellme?"

"Youdon'thaveto.Askher.Shewasplanningtogetanabortionandnoteventell

you."

Myheadwasspinning.NowaycouldwhatMadelinewassayingbereal.Shehadto

bemakingitup.Isawherwatchingme,astrangesmileonherface."Sayit'strue.Why
thehellwouldyoutellme?Whatdoyoucare?"

Ashadowpassedacrossherwide,roundeyes."Shehasthings...parts...Imean,I've

donethingsthatshehasn't.It'snotfair."Tearsprickedatthecornersofhereyes.

"Ihavenofuckingcluewhatyou'retalkingabout."Itdidn'tmatter,though.Nothing

matterednowexceptgettingtoClarissa.IknewthateverythingMadelinewassaying
hadtobebullshit.ClarissaandIhadonlyknowneachotheracoupleweeks.Thatwas
waytooquickforhertobepregnant,wasn'tit?Ididsomefastcalculationsinmyhead
backtothefirsttimeI'dfuckedheroutsidethebar.I'dbeensodrunkandhornythatI
hadn'tusedacondom.Ineverusedcondoms,though.Theyweredeathforhard-ons.
I'dalwaysassumedthatifachickdidn'tsaysomething,shemustbeonthepill.

IbreezedpastAngelowithoutawordandhadmycardooropenwhenIsuddenly

realized something. She'd been trying to tell me something this morning. Something
important.Idon'treallyknowhowtosaythis...Lars...

"Shit,"Iscreamed,almostslammingmyhandinthedoorasIshutit.Thiswasbad.

CLARISSA

looked up just in time to see Lars running in through the sliding hospital doors.

"What'swrong?"Iasked."Didn'tyougetmymessage?He'sokay.Theystabilizedhim."

Larswasshakinghishead."Iknow.Ilistenedtoyourvoicemailinthecar.That'snot

whyI'mhere."

Hislimbswereshaking."Didsomethinghappenatpractice?"Wewerestandingin

themiddleofthewaitingroom.I'dbeenheresomuchlatelythatitwasbeginningto
feellikeahomeawayfromhome.Afewofthepeopleinthehospitalfoyerwatchedus,
mostlyoutofboredom.Onemansatinthebackcorner,hisheadburiedinhishands.
Hehaddarkhairandlightbrownskin,andwhenheliftedhisfaceinourdirection,he
hadthesaddesteyesI'deverseen.

"Areyoupregnant?"Larsblurted,hisfaceamixofconfusionandanger.
Myjawdroppedopen.I'dthoughtthataftereverythingthathadhappenedtomein

thelasttwoweeks,includingmyfather'saccident,Iwaspreparedforanythingthatlife
hadtothrowatme.ButIhadn'tbeenpreparedforthis.

"I...whatmakesyouthinkthat?"
Itwasthewronganswertohisquestion.Anythingotherthanaflat-outdenialwould

havebeenwrongbecauseanythingotherthanaflat-outdenialwasayes.Icouldsee
hiseyeschange.Theygrewdarkandcumbersome,likehewassuddenlycarryingthe
weightoftheworldonhisshoulders.

"It'smine?"hewhispered.
"I...I..." I wanted to tell him that I wasn't pregnant. That it was all a big

misunderstanding.Ihadnoideahowhecouldhavefoundout.Theonlyotherperson
I'd told was Madeline. I kicked myself for being so stupid. Madeline. Of course. She'd
beenplayingmeallalong,hadn'tshe?

"Clarissa, answer me!" Lars had never raised his voice to me like this once during

our whirlwind romance. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. I couldn't find my
voice."Isitmine?!"hedemanded.

I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. So I nodded my head instead. Lars

blinkedseveraltimes,asifhecouldn'tseewhatwasinfrontofhim.Ireachedoutfor
him,wantingtocomforthim...wantinghimtocomfortme.Ineededtoknowthatthis
wasn'titbetweenus.Thathewasn'tabouttofreakoutandleavemelikeI'dfearedhe
would.

HeshookmyhandoffasIpressedittohisshoulder.
"No," he said simply. His eyes were red and wet. "How could you keep this from

me?"

Finally,myvoicebegantowork."Ididn'tknowhowtotellyou."
"Isittrueyouwereplanningtogetanabortion?"
Icouldn'tlookathim.Goddammit,Madeline!WhyhadIeverlistenedtoher?
"OhGod,youwere,"hesaid,hisfacecringingasheleanedawayfrommelikeIwas

a piece of yesterday's trash. "And you weren't gonna say anything? I feel like I don't
evenknowyou.AndafterI'vetoldyoueverythingaboutmyself..."Hisvoicetrailedoff,
andhiseyeswanderedfromminetothewallbehindme.

"Lars, please; listen to me. I was confused. I was gonna get rid of it, yes, but I

changedmymind.Ididn'tgothroughwithitbecauseIknewIhadtotalktoyoufirst."

Itwaslikehecouldn'tevenhearme.Isawinhiseyesthateverythingbetweenus

hadchanged.Withonelie,Ihadruinedeverything.Hesteppedawayfromme,hisface
red,hischeekswet.Thenhewalkedoutofthehospital,andIwasalone.Foreveralone.
Isunkintoachairandbegantosobuncontrollably.

"Therenow,"aman'sdeepvoicesaidfrombehindme.Ilookeduptoseetheman

who'dbeensittinginthecorneroftheroom.ThemanwiththesaddesteyesI'dever
seen.Hewasaboutfortyandremindedmealittleofmyfatherwithhisconcernedlook
andhisworriedbrow.Heputonehandgentlyonmyshoulder.

"Thistooshallpass,"hesaid.Inodded,notsurehowmuchcomfortitwastohear

thewords,butIappreciatedhavingafriendlyfacetotalkto,evenifitwasthefriendly
faceofastranger.

"MayIsit?"heasked,motioningtothechairbesideme.
"Sure,"Isaid,wipingthetearsfrommyeyes.
"Youhavealovedonehere?"
Inodded."Myfather.You?"
"Mydaughter,Theresa.She'saboutyourage."Heburiedhisheadinhishandsashe

saidhername,hischestheaving.IforgotmyowngriefforamomentasIreachedfor
hishand,pattingitgently.

"It'sokay,"Isaid."She'llbeokay.Asawisemanoncesaid,thistooshallpass."He

lookedupfromhishandsandofferedmeasmallsmile.

"WhosaidIwasawiseman?"
"Idid.Justnow."Hissmilewidened."I'mClarissa.ClarissaWalker."Iextendedmy

hand.Hetookitinhis,shakingit.

"Clarissa,it'snicetomeetyou.I'mMarcoRossi."

LARS

y phone buzzed in my pocket for the umpteenth time today. I pulled it out and

read yet another text from Clarissa. Two days. It had only been two days. Was that
reallysolong?Couldn'tshegivemealittlebitofbreathingroomsothatIcouldwrap
myheadaroundtheideaofbeingafather?

Pleasecallme.Let'stalkaboutthis.
Iputmyphonebackinmypocketwithoutsendingareply.
Asecondlater,itbuzzedagain."Goddammit,Clarissa!"Iscreamed,double-checking

thatI'dlockedmycardoorsbeforetakingmyphonebackout.

Imissyou.I'msorry.Goodlucktoday.
Isighedandtriedtoputmyselfinhershoes.Ihadn'texactlybeenreceptivetothe

newsofherpregnancy.She'dcalledmeadozentimesinthelasttwodaysandtexted
meadozenmore,andIhadn'treturnedoneofthem.Itwasn'tjustherbeingpregnant,
though.Itwasthefactthatshe'dhiddenitfromme.

Iwalkedtowardthestadiumwithmyheadwrappedmorearoundherthanitwas

aroundthegame.ItriedtosnapmyselfoutofitanywaythatIcould.IpicturedCoach
walkingalongsideme,talkingtomeasifheweren'tlyinginahospitalbedinacoma.
My head ached and my body ached with it. The last two days of practice had been
rough.

TomMillerhadrunusraggedtryingtoprepareusfortoday'sgame.He'dtoldusto

win it for Coach Walker. As if we weren't already thinking that. Coach's absence had
affected everyone on the team differently, but in general, it had brought us closer
together.EvenMattBartonandIhadbeengettingalongbettersinceCoach'saccident.
Yesterday,afterpractice,he'dtoldmehewassorryforrattingmeoutaboutshowing
uptopracticedrunkthattime.

Thestadiumloomedheavilyinfrontofme.Myphonebuzzedagain,andIignored

it. Clarissa was gonna drive me batshit crazy if she didn't knock it off. There were a
series of buzzes in my pocket that seemed linked together in one never-ending loop.
Finally,Ipulledmyphoneoutandtypedback:TheSuperBowlisinTWOHOURS.Leave
mealone!

Iwaitedwithmybreathheldtoseeifshewouldrespondwithanything.Gratefully,

shedidn't.

Iwasalmostattheplayer'sentrancewhenIspottedAngelooutofthecornerofmy

eye, hovering outside the door. When he saw me, he did that smile-sneer he was
famousfor.HestartedtowardmeandIstoppedwalking,notwantinganyonetohear
whateveritwashehadtosaytome.

"Angelo,"Isaid,jumpingrightin."Whatareyoudoinghere?"
"Icametoseemyfavoritequarterback,"hesaid."Andtowishhimluck."
"Thanks.Now,ifyou'llexcuseme."
"What?Sofast?Youcan'tspareamomentforyouroldfriend?"
"Whatdoyouwant,Angelo?"
Henarrowedhiseyesatme."YouknowwhatIwant.Thisisyourlastchance.I'm

gettingmymoneyfromyouonewayoranother."

"Wellthen,Iguessitwillhavetobetheother,becauseI'mnotthrowingthegame

foranyreason,underanycircumstances."Icontinuedpasthim,notbotheringtolook
back.Iwalkedrightthroughtheplayer'sgateanddowntothelockerroom.

MyphonebuzzedagainjustasIwasopeningmylocker.
I'msorry.I'mjustscared.Goodlucktoday.Iloveyou.
A sudden swarm of butterflies filled my stomach. My heart raced as I reread her

words.Shelovedme?Howmanypeoplehadsaidthattomeinmylife?Mymom...and
Ash.AndnowClarissa.Myfingerhoveredoverthekeyboard,wonderingifmaybeI'd
beenalittleharshonher.Maybe...maybeitwasn'ttoolateforus.

CLARISSA

antsomemorecoffee?"mysisterasked.

"No.Thanks.IthinkifIdrinkanymorecoffee,I'llbeuppeeingallnightlong."

"You'vealreadybeenpeeinglikeapregnantlady.Maybeyouneedsomevitamins."
IturnedmyheadquicklysoTreenacouldn'tseetheblushcreepintomycheeks.I

hadn'ttoldherIwaspregnantyet.

"Hey,"shesaid,soundingserious."I'msorryittookmesolongtogetdownhere.It's

harderthanIthoughtitwouldbetosetasidetimeoffwhenyou'reacop."

"It'sfine,"Itoldher."LotsofpeoplehavebeenbytoseeDad.I'vehadcompany."
Ikeptcheckingmyphone,hopingLarswouldtext.IknewIwasprobablydriving

himnuts,butIcouldn'tseemtostopmyself.Ineededtoseehim.Totalktohim.Tofeel
hishotbodypressagainstminejustonemoretime.Whoareyoukidding?Oncemore
wouldneverbeenough.

"So,whatdoyouthink?Shouldweturnthegameon?Thinkhecanhearit?"Iasked

Treena,tryingtogetmymindoffofeverything.Sheheldourfather'shandasshesat
besidehim.Iwascurledupinachair.I'dsleptherewithTreenalastnight.Neitherof
us liked the idea of leaving my father alone. The only time I'd done so since Lars'
outburst two days ago was to pick her up at the airport. When I'd gotten back to his
room,I'dnoticedfreshflowersinDad'svaseandcouldsmellLars'saftershavelingering
intheair.

"Ofcourseweshouldturniton,"Treenasquealed."Thisisjustwhatweneedtosnap

himoutofthis."

"Youreallybelievethat?"
"Ido."
Isighed."SodoesLars."
Treenasquinted."Youmeanthequarterback?"
"Yeah."
I felt her eyes on me, watching me with her trained cop's perception. "Aha,

somethinggoingonbetweenyoutwo?"

Ispunmyheadinherdirection,blushing,lookingatmyfatherasifhewereabout

to wake up and flip out, hearing the insinuation in Treena's voice. "He's come by the
hospital a few times, that's all. He and Dad were pretty close." I turned the game on.
TreenawatchedmeamomentlongerasItrieddesperatelytokeepmybigmouthshut

andmyeyesfixatedonthetelevision.Finally,Ifeltherbackoff.

"So, what about that big Broadway show you're starring in?" Treena had always

been supportive of me in Colorado. She'd been almost as excited as I was when I'd
calledtotellheraboutmynewpart.

"IthinkImightbegettingfired."
"What?Already?Howmanyrehearsalshaveyoubeento?"
"One."
"And they're ready to fire you?" She screwed up her face, puffing out her cheeks,

andinachipmunk'svoicesaid,"Jeez,Clarissa,youmustreallysuck."

Iburstintogiggles.
"Really,though,can'tyoutalktothem?"
"Itried."
"And?"
I sighed. "The main director, Phil, likes me. He's the only reason I'm even in the

showtobeginwith.Theotherguy—"

"Youmeanthescumbag—"
"That'sright,thescumbag.Ithinkhe'sbeenboningsomeotheractresswhowants

mypart.He'sreadytogiveittoher,too."

"Sickbitch,"Treenasaid.
"Iknow.Jerry'suglyandmean,too.Ifeelsorryforwhoever'scrawlingunderhim

likethat,evenifshedoesgetmypart."

Myphonevibratedonthetable.IgrabbeditandlookedatthetextI'djustreceived.

ItwasfromLars.

Meetmeafterthegame.Iwanttoseeyou.
Icouldn'thidethesmilethatwassplayedacrossmyface.
"Whowasthat?"Treenaaskedsuspiciously.
"Noone."Sheopenedhermouth,readytointerrogateme.Ihadtocutheroffatthe

pass."Youknow,IthinkIwillgetsomemorecoffeeafterall.Berightback."

I jumped up before she could say another word and headed toward the vending

machine,grinningfromeartoear.AsIsteppedintothehallway,afigurecameupto
me.

"Clarissa?"
"Madeline!"Iexclaimed,shockedtoseeher.
"Hi,"shesaid,lookingeverywherebutinmyeyes."Howareyou?"
"HowamI?"Iyelled,angerboilinginsideme.
Madelinefinallyraisedhereyestomine."I'msorry,"shesaid.
"Sorry?You'resorry?Forwhat,exactly?Fortheliesyoutoldme?Forpretendingto

bemyfriend?"

Tearsbrimmedinhereyes,butIdidn'tfeelbadforher."Ijust…Ifoundoutyourdad

washereandIwantedto…Imean…Iwasn'tpretendingtobeyourfriend.Ijust…"

"Pissoff,Madeline."Icontinuedwalkingpasther,towardthecoffeemachine.
"Clarissa!" she called out. "I fucked up. I know that. But I wasn't pretending to be

yourfriend.Iswearit!"

"Go away, Madeline. I've got nothing to say to you." I made my way to the coffee

machine,andwhenIturnedback,Madelinewasgone.Iblinkedbackthetears,wishing

shehadjuststayedaway.Ipushedmyquartersintotheslotandtriedtoforgetshewas
everhere.ThatI'devenknownherinthefirstplace.

"Clarissa,"amansaidasmycoffeespilledoutofthemachineandintothecup.
"Marco,"Isaid,tryingtosmile.
"Sheafriendofyours?"heasked,cockinghisheadtowardthehallwhereMadeline

hadjustbeenstanding.

"Oh, no. She's just…no." I shook my head and took my coffee. Marco seemed

contenttoleavemyresponseasitwas.Hebrokeintoagiantgrin.

"Mydaughterwokeup,"hesaidsuddenly,huggingme.
"OhmyGod,that'swonderful!"Suddenlymyworldbrightenedwithhisgoodnews.

Ileftmycoffeewhereitwasandhuggedhimback.

"Can I ask you a favor? I've got a gift for her in my car, but I don't really know if

she'dlikeit.Canyoucometakealookatit?It'lljusttakeaminute."

"Whateveritis,I'msureshe'llloveit."
Marco'ssmilefaltered."Idon'tknow.I'mafraiditjust...well,comeandsee.Please?

It'dmeanalottome.Mycar'sjustonthesecondlevel;IswearI'llhaveyouinandout."

IwasstillgiddyfromLars'mostrecenttext.IhadacouplehoursyetbeforeI'dhave

to head down to the stadium. How could I say no to Marco? We'd become a support
systemforeachotheroverthelastcoupleofdays.

"Sure,"Isaid."Justleadtheway."

LARS

twasthefourthquarter.Weweredownbythree.Icouldseetheendzoneloomingin

frontofmewithlessthanaminuteleftontheclock.Thetimeoutwasalmostover,and
theteamswereliningup.Itwasourlastshot.

Thewhistleblew.IpassedtheballtoBartonandtookofftotheleft.Theotherteam

wasfocusedontryingtostophim,andtheyalmostdid,buthedidthisbeautifuljump
intheairandgottheballrightoverthegoallinebeforetheytackledhim.Thewhistle
blew, and the rest of my team and I charged into the end zone. The guys were all
jumpingupanddown,shouting.

Icouldhardlybelieveit.We'djustwontheSuperBowl.
IstillhadnoideahowI'dmanagedtopusheverythingfrommymindfortonight's

win. I was swarmed with reporters and photographers. The guys picked up the
GatoradeanddumpeditoverTom'sheadasheshoutedlikeachildwho'djustwona
puppy.Hiseyesactuallytearedup.Oneofthereportersshovedamicrophoneintomy
face,almostbumpingmylipwithit.

"Lars,canyoutellushowyou'refeelingrightnow?"
It was a stupid question, but I couldn't help smiling anyway. "Fucking great!" I

shouted.Isawthereporterwinceatthecurse,butIdidn'tgiveashit."Ijustwanttosay
thatthisisforCoachWalker.Wewonthisforyou.Nowwakeupandcomebacktous,
you sonofabitch!" Behind me, I heard the guys all cheering. Matt Barton dragged me
awayandpouredchampagneovermyhead.

I was laughing and cheering along with the rest of the guys, but suddenly all I

wantedwastoseeClarissa.Tosharethismomentwithher.Isearchedthestandsfor
her face but couldn't find it. I'd told her to meet me in the locker room and left her
namewithsecurity.Iknewitwouldbenexttoimpossibleformetosneakoffthefield,
soItoldtheguysIhadtousethebathroomandthatIwouldberightback.Imademy
way through the crowds, but when I got to the locker room, she wasn't there.
Disappointment washed over me. I opened my locker and pulled my phone out,
thinkingshewasprobablyjuststuckinthemassivecrowds.

My phone rang almost as soon as I picked it up. I looked at the number. It was

Clarissa.

"Hey!"Ishouted."Whereareyou?"Iwasexcitedtohearhervoice.
"Sorrytodisappoint,butClarissa'sindisposedatthemoment."

IttookmeamomenttoregisterwhatIwashearing.
"Angelo?"MyheartdroppedintomystomachasIrealizedwhatthismeant.
"That'sright.RememberwhatIsaidaboutneedingtogetmymoneyfromyouone

way or the other? Well, meet the other." There was silence, and then Clarissa's voice
cameontheline.

"L-Lars?"
"Clarissa?Areyouokay?"
Butshewasalreadygone.
"If you ever want to get your girlfriend back, you'll do exactly as I say. Listen

carefullybecauseyouonlygetonechancetogetitright."

CLARISSA

twas dark inside the trunk of Marco's car. I pulled at the heavy ropes binding my

wrists,butnothingseemedtoloosenthem.Werolledoveranotherbumpintheroad,
andmyheadhitthetopofthetrunk.Itwasalreadysoreandhurtingfromwhenhe'd
hitmeoverthehead.Iwishedtherewasaseatbeltinhere.Thetrunkwashuge,andI
actually had plenty of room to stretch out. It was the constant rolling and shifting
aroundaswemovedoverwhatIassumedwasthehighwaythatwascausingmemore
pain than anything. Bumps and vibrations seemed ten times more severe inside the
trunkthanifI'dbeensittinginthebackseat.

Istilldidn'tunderstandwhatwasgoingon,thoughafterwhatfeltlikehoursinthis

trunk,Ihadstartedtoformafewguesses.Myheadwasstillfoggy,andIdidn'thavea
goodunderstandingofjusthowmuchtimehadpassed.Marcohadobviouslyliedabout
showing me a gift for his daughter. I was beginning to think that he probably never
evenhadadaughter.

Whenwe'dgottentohiscar,he'dopenedthetrunkandpointedinside."Thereitis,"

he'dsaid.

"What?"I'dasked,peeringintothetrunkandnotseeinganything.
"It'srightthere.Lookcloser."
Like a fucking fool, I'd leaned deeper into the trunk. It was dark in the parking

garage,andMarcowasparkedinacornerofthestructurethatdidn'thavemuchlight.
Oneofthefewlightsliningthewallhadeitherburntoutorbeenbroken.Therewere
othercarsnearus,butnoonewashangingoutinthem.Thiswasahospital,afterall,
notatailgateparty.

ItsimplyhadneveroccurredtomethatMarcowaslyingaboutanything.I'dseen

him at the hospital the last couple days. He'd always looked so friendly and sad
whenever I'd inquired about his daughter. Whatever else Marco was—kidnapper,
murderer,orhenchman—hewasaterrificactor.

Whenhe'dfinallyhitthebackofmyheadwithwhateverhe'dused—ithadfeltlikea

steel rod—I still hadn't realized what was happening. That's how pathetic I was. I'd
thought...well, I wasn't entirely sure what I'd thought. But it had definitely not been
thatMarcowasabouttotossmeintothetrunkofhiscar.

Ihadn'tlostconsciousnessuntilIwasinsidethetrunk;I'djustgottenconfusedand

wobbledonmyfeetalittle.Marcohadliftedmeupandlaidmegentlyinsidethetrunk.

I'dbeensooutofitatfirstthatI'dthoughthewaslayingmeinthebackseatofhiscar.
Thenhe'dwrappedsomeropesaroundmywristsandshutthelid.ThatwaswhenI'd
finallyunderstood.Atleasthe'dleftmyfeetfree.Ifhe'dhavetiedthoseuptoo,IthinkI
might'vehadaheartattack.

The car rolled over the biggest bump yet, and the sound of the street suddenly

changed.Itsoundedlikegravel.Andwewereslowingdown.Myheartthumpedhard
inmychest.IbroughtmywriststomymouthandpulledashardasIcouldontheknot
thatwasbindingthemtogether.Ifelttheropeshift—justalittle,butenoughtogiveme
hope. I took a deep breath and pulled again, harder this time. The top of the knot
startedtocomeundone.Icouldn'tbelieveit.Ipulledandpulleduntilmyjawbeganto
hurt.Finallytheropeunraveledfromaroundmywrists,andIwasfree.

"Oh thank you, God," I murmured, taking deep breaths and trying to steady my

nerves.

Thecarhadslowedtoacrawlnow.Atinysliveroflightshowninthroughthetrunk.

Ilookedaroundthespaceandwishedtherewassomething,anything,thatIcoulduse
tohelpmyselfgetoutofhere.Guyskepttoolsintheirtrunk,didn'tthey?Ahammer?A
screwdriver?IpicturedjammingascrewdriverintoMarco'seyewhenheopenedthe
trunk,blindinghimforlife.Atleastinoneeye.Hedeservedit.

The car stopped, and I could hear and feel the driver's door open. I took a deep

breath,myhandsspreadingoutinthedarkness,stillsearching.Myfingertipsscraped
thecold,hardedgeofsomethingheavyandmetal.Igrippedmyfingersarounditand
realizeditwasatireiron.Perfect!

IheardthekeysjingleasMarcoinsertedthemintothelock,andthetrunksuddenly

poppedopen.IjumpedupswingingandknockedthetireironrightintoMarco'shead.

LARS

ou fucking piece of shit!" I screamed into the phone. A few heads turned in my
direction, but most people couldn't hear anything except the thousands of

screamingfans.IthadbeenatleastadecadesincetheGiantshadwontheSuperBowl,
andpeoplewerestillcheering.IpulledmygearoffasIranthroughthecrowdtoward
theparkinglot.

"It's not my fault you refused to listen to reason," Angelo's deep voice rang in my

ear.

"Reason?IsthatwhatyoucallaskingmetothrowtheSuperBowl?Reasonable?"
"What I call reasonable," Angelo said, "is sticking to deals that you make with old

friends. You said yes. Your word used to be your bond. What the fuck happened to
you?"

ItbotheredmethattherewasapartofmethatunderstoodexactlywhatAngelowas

talkingabout.Andthatpartfeltbad.Evenalittleguilty.Hewasright,I'dsaidyestothe
deal, and then I'd backed out of it. I'd broken a contract. I'd broken a promise to
someone whom I used to look up to. It was amazing how things could change so
quickly.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm just...different. I have a different life now. Can't you

understandthat?"

"Sure,Icanunderstandthat,"Angelosaid."WhichiswhyI'mnotgonnakillyouor

yourgirlfriend."Ifeltmyshouldersrelaxjustthetiniestbit."Atleast,notunlessyou
failtodeliverasecondtime.Iwantmymoney."

My whole body tightened as I exited the locker room and made my way to the

parkinglot.Theguyswereallclappingmeontheback,andfanswerebeggingformy
autograph.Itwasn'teasytogetthroughtheseaofpeopleallwantingtotouchthestar
quarterbackwhohadwonthegame.

"Angelo,Idon'thaveonehundredmilliondollarsjustlyingaround."
"Well you better find a way to get it, or your girlfriend and your baby are both

gonnabesuckinginlungfullsofHarlemRiver."

Ifrozeintheparkinglot."What?"IaskedsolowIwassurprisedhe'dheardme.
"One hundred million bucks. I want it by midnight. And I want you to deliver it

personallytome."

"Where?"

"SkyIslandBridge.Don'tworry,I'lltakegoodcareofyourprettylittleladyuntilyou

arrive."Therewasaclick,andAngelowasgone.

I stood holding my phone to my ear, unable to believe what was happening. I

couldn'tseemtomove.I'dbeenindangeroussituationsbefore,butithadalwaysbeen
my life that was in danger. Or the lives of other guys who knew the score. Even Ash,
thoughitpainedmetosayso,hadknownthedangersofourjob.ButClarissa?Shewas
innocentinallofthis.

"Lars!" I heard a woman's voice scream at me from the other end of the lot and

turnedtoseeMadelinerunningtowardme.Thecrowdswereconsiderablylessherein
the players' parking lot. The guards did a good job of keeping people out. She'd
managed to squeak by, but that wasn't exactly surprising considering how she was
dressed.Aminiskirtandheelsatafootballgame?Shestoodout.

"Madeline, I don't have time for this," I yelled, turning away from her as she

approached me. I was having a hard time remembering just where I'd parked. I
couldn't seem to get my head clear. What if Clarissa was hurt? What if she was...I
couldn't let my mind go there. Besides, Angelo wouldn't have killed her. Not yet. Not
untilhewascertainshewasuseless.

"Ijustwantedtosaycongratulations,"shesaid.Herfacewaspinkandglowing,like

everyoneelse'southereonthiscoldFebruarynight.

"Fine.Thanks."Iturnedmyheadandspottedmycarwayoveronthesouthsideof

thelot.Istartedjoggingtowardit.Madeline'sheelsclackedbehindme.

"IwaswonderingifyoucouldtellClarissasomethingformesinceshewon'ttalkto

me."

I stopped jogging. Something suddenly snapped in me. I turned back to Madeline,

myfacecontortingintoaferociousscowl."Thisisallyourfault.Ijustrealizedthat."

"W-what?"Madelineasked,steppingback.Icouldn'tseemyself,butIcouldfeelthe

hatredflowingoutfrommyeyesandoutofeverypore.

"AngelohasClarissa!Heknowsaboutthebaby!Howthefuckcouldheknowthat,

unlesshehearditfromyou?"

"Who'sAngelo?"Madelineasked.
"He was the man outside my apartment the last time you were there. He wants

moneyfromme,Madeline.MoneyIdon'thave.Hemust'veheardeverythingyousaid
about Clarissa being pregnant, and now he's using her as leverage. You just couldn't
keepyourbigmouthshut,couldyou?"

Madeline's eyes were wide and frightened. "I don't understand. You owe him

money?HowwasIsupposedtoknowthat?"

"No."Ididn'tknowwhatIwasstilldoingtalkingtoher.Iwasonlywastingprecious

time."Look,Angeloisacriminal,okay?Afuckinghard-as-nailscriminalwhohaskilled
morementhanyoucouldcountontwohands,andhe'sgotClarissa.Becauseyouwere
ajealous,spoiledchildwhocouldn'tkeepyourmouthshutwhenyourfriendneeded
you to. If she dies, it's on your head." I had no idea why I'd said that other than to
finallyshutherup.MaybeIjustwantedtohurtsomeonethewayIwashurting.The
truth,asmuchasitpainedme,wasthatifClarissadied,Iwastheonlyonetoblame.

"Oh God. I…I didn't know. You have to believe me. I never said one word to him

afteryouleft;Ijustwenthome.Iswear.Iwantedtogetoutofthatawfulmakeup.I'm

sorry."Tearsfellfromhereyesasshebegantograsptheweightofthesituation.

Irealizedthattherewasnothingshecouldtellmethatwouldhelp,andIwasonly

wasting time standing here talking to her. I got to my car and pulled my jersey off,
fishinginthebackseatforashirt.Icameupwithoneandpulleditovermyheadas
Madelinecontinuedtobark.

"Ineverwantedhertogethurt,"shesaid.
"Could'vefooledme.You'vebeensojealousofheryoucan'tseestraight."
Madelinewasnodding."Iknow.Imadeahugemistake.It'sjustthat...I...Ithought

thatpartshehadwasmine.He'dalreadypromisedittome."

"Who?"IaskedabsentlyasItossedmyjerseyintothetrunk.
"Jerry. One of the directors. Well, assistant director as it turned out. But I didn't

knowthatuntilafter..."

Ilookedather,horrified.
"YoufuckedsomedirectortogetClarissa'spart?"
Freshtearsrolleddownhercheeks."Ididn'tknowwhatelsetodo.I'llneverbeas

good as she is." She looked so pathetic that for a second my heart went out to her. I
knewwhatitwasliketofeelinferiortoothers.Iknewhowthatcouldweighonyou.
Butstill...Ididn'thavetimeforthisshit.

Istartedmycar,andtheengineroaredrighttolife.
"Wait!CanIhelp?Letmehelp!"
"I think you've already helped enough, Madeline," I said and peeled out of the

parkinglot.

CLARISSA

hetireironcollidedonlylightlyagainstMarco'shead.Hegrabbeditfrommeeasily,

and I cursed myself for being so stupid that I couldn't even swing a hunk of metal
correctly.

"I thought you were out for the count," Marco said. He grabbed my wrists after

tossingthetireirontothesideandpulledmefromthetrunk.Istruggledagainsthim,
buthewasthreetimesmysize.

"Youliedtome,"Isaid,angrynotjustthatI'dbeentrickedandliedto,butthatI'd

fallenforitsoeasily.

"Oh, please, don't give me that hurt dewy-eyed innocent routine. You're far from

innocent."

"Whatisthatsupposedtomean?"
"WhenyougoaroundspreadingyourlegsandgettingknockedupbyguyslikeLars

Kaine, you kind of deserve what you get. Are you telling me you didn't know his
background when you got into bed with him? 'Cause if that's true, then you're even
dumberthanIthought."

I spit in Marco's face. It went straight into his eyeball, and he blinked at me, not

comprehendingforaminutewhatI'djustdone.Ibarelycomprehendeditmyself.Then
hisfaceturnedfierce.Hesnarledatmeandraisedhishandhighintotheair,slapping
mehardacrossthesideofmyhead.

"Marco!"Aman'svoicecalledoutfromadistance.Marco'shandwentquicklyback

tohissideasamanwithadarktaninabusinesssuitcamewalkingsteadilytowardus.

"Angelo,I..."Marco'svoicetrailedoff.Helookedpale.
"Whatdoyoumeanbyassaultingthiswoman?"Angelosneeredathim.
Marco stood there, nervous, his eyes darting all over, looking at anything but

Angelo.Forthefirsttime,Itookinmysurroundings.Wewerestandingatthebaseofa
bridge. I looked around, trying to decipher just which bridge this was. It looked
familiar. Definitely not the Brooklyn Bridge, but still something of an icon. The river
belowitsmelledoffishandsewage.Istaredatitandatthecityskylinebeyondit.

"IsthistheHarlemRiver?"Isuddenlyasked,forgettingmomentarilythatitmightbe

wisertokeepmymouthshut.

Angelosmiledatme."Yes,Clarissa.Itis."Itunnervedmethatheknewmyname.I

wasfinallystartingtopieceeverythingtogether.MarcohadcalledthismanAngelo.He

hadtobethesamemanwhohadwantedLarstothrowtheSuperBowl.

"I'mstillwaitingforananswer,Marco,"Angelosaidsnidely."Whatdoyoumeanby

hittingClarissa?"

Hearinghimsaymynameagainmademecringe,butluckily,heeitherdidn'tnotice

ordidn'tcare.

"Shespitonme,"Marcogrowled,turningtomeandyankingmyarm.
Angelo'sfaceturnedred."WeDONOThitwomen!"hescreamed,spittleflyingfrom

hismouth.Helookedabitlikeamushroomwhenhewasangry."Ihavedaughtersat
home. If anyone ever hit them, I would have no choice but to cut off the hands that
strucktheirprettyfaces."

Marco stepped back, his eyes wide, pulling me with him. "I'm sorry," he said. "It

won'thappenagain."

Angeloregainedhiscomposure."Don'ttellme.TellClarissa."
Marco instantly turned to me. "I'm sorry, Clarissa. I should never have hit you.

Pleaseacceptmyapology."

Ifeltmybrowpinchtogether."Um,you'reforgiven."
Marco breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Angelo. "Excellent. Now, we may

continue."

Iwasn'tquitesurehowtofeelaboutmynewcircumstances.Angeloclearlydidn't

allow his men to mess with women, which was good for me, yet there was still
something deeply sinister in his eyes. "Continue with what?" I asked. "I don't
understand.WhatamIdoinghere?"

Angelopulledouthisphone."Perhapsaphonecallcanclearafewthingsupforboth

ofus."

IwatchedAngelodialanumber,myheadstillspinningfromallthatwashappening.

SomeonemusthaveansweredontheotherendbecauseAngelobegantotalk.

"Sorrytodisappoint,butClarissa'sindisposedatthemoment,"Angelosaid.Heshot

mealookthatmademyheartstop."That'sright.RememberwhatIsaidaboutneeding
togetmymoneyfromyouonewayortheother?Well,meettheother."

Angeloheldthephoneouttome.
"Sayhitoyourboyfriend,"hesaid.
"L-Lars?"Iasked,takingthephone.
IheardLars'spanickedvoiceontheotherend."Clarissa?Areyouokay?"
AngelosnatchedthephonebackbeforeIhadachancetorespond.
"If you ever want to get your girlfriend back, you'll do exactly as I say," Angelo

sneered.Itriedtolistentowhatcamenext,butAngelosteppedaway,leavingmealone
withMarco.Whenhereturned,hewasshakinghishead.

"Yourboyfriendowesmeseveralmilliondollars,"Angelosaid."Iintendtocollectit

fromhim.Onewayoranother.Comewithme.Let'swalk,andI'llexplainit."Heheld
outhisarm,andIdecidedIwassaferwithhimthanMarco,soItookitandfollowed
him up the bridge. It was a pedestrian bridge. That had to narrow it down. My mind
quicklybegantorunthroughallthepedestrianbridgesinNewYork.

"So,you'reholdingmehostage?"Iasked."Isthattheidea?"
"See,Iknewyouweresmart."
Wewalkedtogetheralongthepathfromthefootofthebridgetowarditscenter.It

wasalongwalkandseemedtodragonforeverbeforewereachedthemidpoint.The
HarlemRiverteeteredbelowusnomatterwheremyeyeswent.Thoughthebridgewas
stable, I didn't want to look down. I wasn't sure how deep the river was, but it didn't
matter.Fromthisheight,whetheryouhittheshallowendorthedeepend,youwere
dead.Ilookedallaroundusforsomeonetocallouttoforhelp,butitwaslateonSuper
Bowl Sunday, and the bridge was empty. Everyone was probably down at Giants
Stadium.Somethingoccurredtomethen."DoesthatmeanLars'teamwontheSuper
Bowl?"

Angelonoddedsilently.Icouldn'tkeepthesmilefromspreadingacrossmyface.
"Iwouldn'tbesohappyifIwereyou,"Angelosaid,soundingirritated."Larsknew

theconsequencesofhisactions.Nowhehastopay.He'sgottwohourslefttocomeup
withthemoneyheowesme.Otherwise..."

"Otherwisewhat?"Iasked.
"Otherwise,I'mafraidyou'llhavetopayforhim."IlookedfromAngelotoMarco,

whoInowrealizedwasholdingaratherlargeknife.

"Wait,what?Ithoughtyoudidn'tbelieveinhurtingwomen?"
"Idon'tbelieveinneedlessviolenceortortureofwomen.ButifLarscan'tcomeup

withthemoneyheowesme...wellthenyourdeathishardlyneedless,nowisit?"

"My...you'regoingtokillme?"
"Ihopenot.Youreallyareaveryprettygirl.AndIdon'tmuchcarefortheideaof

killinganexpectantmother,butyouhavetounderstand—businessisbusiness.Notto
worry,though.Larsstillhastime."

My throat went suddenly dry. My heart flip-flopped in my chest like a fish out of

water.IlookedtomyrightwhereMarcostoodabouttenyardsawayfrommeandto
myleftwheretherestofthebridgelaybeforeme,openandempty.Ihadamomentary
flashbacktowhenIwasaten-year-oldkidintheparkwithmydad.Wewerediscussing
"strangerdanger,"andhe'dtoldmesomethingthatI'dneverforgotten."Nomatterhow
bigaguyis,youcanalwaysbesthimifyoukickhimintherightplace.Gofortheballs,
andyou'llwineverytime."ItwasaphrasewhichI'dthoughtwashilariousatthetime,
butoneI'dneverforgotten.Here'stoyou,Dad,Ithought.IwaiteduntilAngelo'shead
wasturned,thenIkickedhimashardasIcouldintheballs.Hiseyesbuggedoutofhis
headashekeeledoveratthewaist.Hehadn'tbeenexpectingthat,whichwasjustwhat
Iwanted.Ididn'twastemychance.Iran.

LARS

slammedonthebrakesjustintimetoavoidhittingthetaxiinfrontofme.Thedriver

leaned out his window and yelled something in a language I didn't recognize. I
assumeditwasn't"Congratsonthegame!"

Itookadeepbreathandtriedtogetmyselfundercontrol.Icouldn'tbelievethatI

wassweatinginJanuary.Itappedtheheaterofmycar.Itwasn'tevenon.

"Getittogether,getittogether,"Imutteredtomyself,butIcouldn'tstopmyheart

frompoundingandmyeyesfromstingingasIblinkedbacktears.Thiswasallmyfault.
IfanythinghappenedtoClarissa,Iwouldneverforgivemyself.

Ihadnoideawhattodo.IknewitwasimpossiblethatIwouldcomeupwiththe

money in time. Even if I had days instead of hours, or weeks instead of days, I still
wouldn'thavebeenabletocomeupwithit.Ihadaboutfiftythousandinthebankright
now. Half of my money from signing with the Giants had gone to taxes; the rest had
beensplitbetweenallthosefinesforfightingandfeedingthelavishlifestyleI'dbecome
accustomed to. I didn't have anywhere near to a million dollars, let alone a hundred
million.ItriedtosiftthroughamentallistofalltheguysIknewwhomighthavethat
kind of money. Some of the guys on the team, like Matt, made a fortune. Although
thingshadbeenbetterbetweenus,Ididn'tthinkwewereonthesortoftermswhereI
couldcallhimupandaskhimtolendmeonehundredmilliondollars.

WhathadIbeenthinkingbyallowingAngelobackintomylifeforevenonesecond?

Ash would be so disappointed in me. Thinking of Ash made me think of something I
hadn'tconsidereduntilnow.IfishedmyphoneoutanddialedTony'snumber.

"Congratulations!"Tonyshoutedintothephoneassoonashe'danswered."Ishould

feel honored you're calling a bum like me right after winning your big game. By the
way,thankyouforthat.Ijustwonacoollittlepileofcash."

"Idon'tsupposeit'sahundredmilliondollarpileofcash,isit?"Iasked,halfjoking,

halfserious.

"Not quite that much, buddy. Why...what's up?" He must've heard a hint of the

desperationinmyvoice,eventhoughIwastryingmybesttokeepitout.

"Angelo,"Isaid,myvoicethickwithanger.
"Whatabouthim?"
"He'sgotClarissa."Itookadeepbreath,realizingthatTonywouldhavenoideawho

IwastalkingaboutunlessIclarified.Icouldn'tbelieveIwasabouttosaythis,butthe

wordcameoutfeelingsonaturaltomethatIknewitwasright."Mygirlfriend."

Thesilencewasdeafening.IcouldpictureTony'sfaceinmymindasIspedthrough

the city traffic toward Sky Island Bridge. I almost sideswiped another cab and forced
myselftoslowdown.ThelastthingIneededtodorightnowwascrash.

"You'vegotagirlfriend?"Tonyfinallysaid.
"Yeah. More than a girlfriend, actually." I sighed. It killed me to admit what I'd

gottenintowithAngelo.ThelasttimeI'dtalkedtoTony,notsolongago,he'dwarned
meaboutthisverything."Youwereright,man.Whatyousaidbeforeabouttheoldlife
having a way of sucking you back in...that's just what happened. I made a deal with
Angelo."

"Fuck,Lars.Ithoughtyouwerethroughwiththatshit!"
"Iwas.Iam.Ipulledout.ButyoucanimaginehowAngelotookthat."
"What'sthescore?Tellmeexactlywhatwe'redealingwithhere."
"HesaysIowehimahundredmilliondollars."
"Runthatbymeagain,"Tonysaid,cuttingmeoff."Didyousayonehundredgrand?"
"Onehundredmillion,"Irepeated.IcouldalmosthearTonythinking."He'sgonna

kill my girlfriend...and my unborn child...if he doesn't get his money by midnight." I
lookedatthedashboardastheclockrolledaroundto10:20.

"Tellmewhatyouwantmetodo,"Tonysaid,andthesweatthathadbrokenacross

myforeheadbegantofinallysubside.Ilaidoutmynewplan,andwhenwehungup,I
had at least an inkling of hope that things might end up okay. The biggest problem
facingusnowwasTony'slocation.InSuperBowltraffic,itcouldtakehimanywhereup
totwohourstogettoSkyIsland.We'dbecuttingitclose.Tooclose.Ihadtofindaway
tostall.

Idialedanewnumber.OneI'dnevercalledbeforebutwasnowgratefulIhadinmy

phone.

"Hello?Lars?"Madeline'svoicewasfoggy.Itsoundedlikeshe'dbeencrying.
"Hey, Madeline. Did you mean what you said before? About wanting to help

Clarissa?"

"Yes,"shecried."Anything!"
"Andyou'resureyounevertalkedtohim?Didheeverseeyourface?"
"Ifhedid,itwasonlywiththatGodawfulmakeupon."
"Okaythen,thisiswhatIneedyoutodo..."

CLARISSA

ranasfast as I possibly could, as long as I could, until I felt the cramps start in my

side. I was woefully out of shape and couldn't seem to prevent my legs from finally
slowingdown.IsawManhattanacrosstheriverandfinallyrealizedwherewewere—
SkyIslandBridge.I'dheardofitbeforeandseenpictures,butIhadn'tcomebyitsince
movingtoNewYork.Atovertwelvehundredfeetlong,Iconsidereditafeatofstrength
thatIhadevenmadeitpartofthewayacross.

I paused with about a quarter of the way to go, sucking in a great gulp of air as I

leanedagainstoneofthesteeltowersandstartedtomoveagain.Butitwastoolate.I
feltAngelo'shandgraspmyhairandpullmeback.Mylegswobbledashecoiledmy
hairaroundhishandlikeasnake,usingittoholdmesteady.

"You'reluckyIdon'tkillyounow,"hesnarled.
"Fuckyou!"Ishouted,strugglingtogetoutofhisgrasp.
Angelogavemethattiny,tightsmileIwascomingtoknow.Itlookedmorelikea

smirk than a smile. I wasn't sure whether he was laughing at me or happy for the
opportunitytomakemepayformycrimeoftryingtoescape.Heshovedmebackthe
waywe'dcome,andIhadnochoicebuttoobey.EverytimeItriedtomove,hishand
tightenedonmyhair,pullingsoharditfeltlikehewasrippingeverystrandrightoutof
myhead.IfIevergotoutofthis,Iwasgettingahaircut.

"Please," I said as we walked, trying to think of some way to appeal to him. "You

know I'm pregnant. I heard you say you have daughters of your own. What if they
were pregnant? Wouldn't you want them to...to have the opportunity to..." I was
makingshitupasIwentalong,noideawhereIwasgoingwithit,"...tohavetheirchild
safelyandraiseittobeagoodperson.You'renotevil.Youdon'tkillchildren,doyou?"

Angelo'shandstiffened,andIrealizedI'dsaidthewrongthing."I'veneverkilleda

childinmylife.Butyoursituationishardlythesame.YourfriendMadelinefilledmein
withagreatmanydetails.Likehowyouplannedtoabortyourownchild.SoIdoubt
theconcernyou'reshowingforitnowisverysincere."

MyeyeswateredatthementionofMadelineandwhatI'dplannedtodo.NowthatI

wasinthissituation,allIcouldthinkaboutwaskeepingmybabysafe.Ihadnoidea
whereLarswasorwhatwashappeningtohimrightnow,butIhopedhewasfiguring
outawaytogetAngelohismoney.AllIwantedtodowasgohome.IpicturedTreena
sittingbesidemyfatheratthehospital.WhatifhewokeupandIwasn'tthere?What

if...I gulped...what if I was never there again? What if Treena had to go down to the
morguetoidentifymybody?

TearsranovermycheeksasAngelofinallycaughtbackupwithMarco.Therewere

moremenwithhimnow,andIrealizedhowfoolishI'dbeentoassumethatitwould
justbehimandAngelohere.

"What does Madeline have to do with anything? How do you even know her?" I

askedAngelo,crushedtohearthatsomeoneIhadonceconsideredmybestfriendhad
anythingtodowithmycurrentsituation.

"ShejusttoldmewhatIwantedtoknow.Ithinkshefeltbadaboutitaftershetold

meifitmakesyoufeelanybetter,"Angelosaid,releasingmyhair.

Iimmediatelyturnedtorunagain,butMarcocaughtmeeasilyandheldaknifeto

my throat. A phone rang in Angelo's pocket as I tried to keep my breaths shallow. I
didn'tlikehowcloseMarco'sbladewastomyskin.

"Whatnewsdoyouhaveforme?"Angeloasked,lookingathiswatch."Isee.Well,

thatisgoodnews.I'llseeyoushortly,then."

HehungupandturnedtoMarco.
"Marco,youmayloweryourknife.Butdokeepitcloseby.Thisone'smuchfeistier

thanI'vegivenhercreditfor."

Angelo looked at me now. "You'll be glad to know that was Lars. He's on his way

withthemoney.Soyoushouldbefreefromthissituationinnotime.Unless,ofcourse,
he'slying.Thenyou'llbothbedead.Butatleastifthathappens,you'llbetogether."

LARS

got out of the car, approaching the foot of the bridge slowly. Two of Angelo's men

stoodthere,waitingforme.

"I don't have a gun," I snapped at them, setting down the two briefcases I was

carrying.Theybothlaughed.

"Sure, we'll just take your word for that," the bigger of the two goons said, patting

medown.Hislarge,grimyhandsworkedtheirwayuncomfortablyclosetomycrotch
beforehefinallystoodupandnoddedtohispartner.Theyletmepass.

Iwalkedslowlyupthebridge,lookingaroundmetotrytosortoutjusthowmany

menAngelohadwithhim.Therewerethetwogoonsdownatthefootofthebridgeand
Marco.Therewereprobablytwomoreattheoppositeendofthebridge,butIcouldn't
make that side out. That made six total, including Angelo himself. I hoped Tony
broughtmorethanthat.Itookadeepbreathandkeptwalking.Mylegsbegantoache.
I'd rather drive across a bridge any day of the week than walk over one. Or maybe I
onlyfeltthatwayrightnowbecauseI'djustcomethroughfourquartersintheSuper
Bowl. It felt like I walked at least two miles as I made my way to the middle of the
bridge.IlookedovertherailingasIwent.Itoldmyselfnotto,I'dneverbeenfondof
heights,butIcouldn'tseemtostopmyself.Itwaslikelookingatacarwreck.Themore
I walked, the higher the bridge climbed, until finally I was at the midpoint where
AngeloandMarcowerestandingwithClarissa.NowthatIwashere,Isawthesituation
wasevenworsethanI'doriginallyfeared.

"Hi,Angelo,"Isaid,approachinghimcautiously.Ididn'twanttomakeanysudden

movements.HewasstandingafewfeetawayfromMarco,whowasbesideClarissaas
shesatteeteringontheedgeofthebridge,aknifetoherthroat.Onepushandshe'dbe
done.Icursedthecityfortakingsolongtoinstallthesafetynetofwiresthey'dbeen
talkingaboutforthelasttwoyears.Iftheyhad,thenthere'dbenowayforClarissato
falloverthesidenow.

"Lars,it'sgoodtoseeyou,"Angelosaid.I'dnevernoticedbeforehowslimyhisvoice

sounded when he was trying to smooth talk someone. Had he always sounded like
this?

IlookedpasthimatClarissa.Ididn'tlikethewayhertear-stainedfacewasstaring

terrifiedattheknifeMarcoheldonher.

"Clarissa?"Icalled."Youalright?"

Shelookedatme,silentlynoddingherhead.IreturnedmygazetoAngelo."I'vegot

yourmoney,"Isaid,indicatingthetwobriefcasesIwascarrying.

"Good,"hesaid."Handthemtome,andI'llsendyourgirlfriendover."
IneededtofindawaytostallalittlelongerandgiveMadelinesometime."Uh-uh,

noway.YousendClarissaoverfirst,thenIgiveyouthemoney."

Angelosmiled."Ibelieveweareatanimpasse."
"Wellthen,we'rejustgonnahavetoremainatanimpasse,Iguess."
We stood staring at each other, neither of us refusing to back down. The problem

was we each knew how stubborn the other one could be when pressed. "I'll tell you
what,"Ifinallysaid."Wemaketheexchangeatthesametime.Ihandyouthemoney
atthesametimeyouhandoverClarissa."

Angelo tilted his head, considering my offer. "No," he finally said, and I knew that

wastheendofit."Yougivemethemoney,thenyougetthegirl.That'showIalwaysdo
business,youknowthat."

Itookadeepbreath."Fine.Ifthat'swhatittakestogetClarissa.Only,IwantMarco

tostopfixinghisknifeonherlikethat."

AngelolookedtowardMarcoandnoddedalmostimperceptibly.Marcoloweredhis

knife.

IwalkedasslowlyasIcouldtowardAngelo.Finally,IgottohimandIhadnochoice

buttohandoverthebriefcasesbeforehestartedgettingsuspicious.Whereisshe?

Suddenly, I heard a woman squeal. I turned and saw Madeline running up the

bridge without a jacket, dressed in almost nothing. She had on her six-inch heels, a
miniskirt,andsomethingthatlookedlikeabrabutIthinkwas,technically,somekind
ofshirt.Thewordcroptopsprungtomind,butIhadnoideawhetherthatwasright.

"OhmyGoooood!"shesquealed,runningupbetweenmeandAngelo,knockingthe

briefcasesoutofhishandsasshestartedpawingatme.She'ddoneagoodjobwiththe
booze.Icouldsmellitonheramileaway.IfIhadn'tknownbetter,I'dhavethought
shewasdrunkasshit.ThetwoguardsthatAngelohadpostedwerechasingafterher."I
knew I recognized you! Even from way down there! You're Lars Kaine!" She slid her
hands up and down my body, jumping around like an excited five-year-old on
Christmasmorning.

Angelo picked up the briefcases while she continued to bounce up and down. The

guards were standing there watching her, apparently deciding she wasn't much of a
threat.Sheclearlyhadnowheretohideanykindofweapon.Angelowasabouttoopen
oneofthebriefcases.MyheartpoundedasIbracedmyselfforwhatwouldcome.

Madeline quickly turned to him, her eyes going wide. "Oh my Goooood!" she

squealedagain,throwingherarmsaroundAngelo'sneckandknockingthebriefcases
fromhishandsoncemore."Areyoufamous,too?You'reevenbetterlookingthanhe
is!"Angelotriedtopushheroff,butsheclungtightlytohim,rubbinghertitsagainsthis
chest.Shegrabbedholdofhisfaceandkissedhim."Let'sgetoutofhere,"shepurred,
layingherheadagainsthisshoulderandkissinghisneck.

The guards approached, but Angelo waved them off. "Listen, sweetie," he said,

eyeingherupanddown."Iappreciatewhatyou'reoffering,butnowisn'texactlythe
besttime."

"Awww,"shepouted.ShestartedkissingAngelo'sneck,andIcouldseemaleinstinct

kick in. Slowly, she reached down and let her hand glide along his crotch. His eyes
turneddarkandglassy."Ijustlovefamousmen.Youlookfamousenoughtome."She
nibbled at his ear again and wrapped one leg around his waist. I could see the two
guardsdroolingoverherandthoughtshe'dbepleased.

Angelo'seyeswerestartingtogetthatglassylook.He'dstoppedpayingattentionto

the briefcases and starting fondling Madeline's backside. Never taking his eyes off of
Madeline,whowasstillkissinghisneckandrubbinghertitsagainsthim,hecalledout
tohisgoons,"Grabthebriefcases,andlet'sgetoutofhere."Theyeachtookonewithout
a word, exchanging a silent look with each other that said Angelo was one lucky
bastard, and started down the bridge to the car. Angelo wrapped his arm around
Madeline'swaist."Comeon,babe,"hesaid,andstartingusheringhertowardthecar.

"What about Clarissa?" I asked. Angelo looked back toward Marco and tilted his

head, indicating she could go. Clarissa was scooting off the edge of the bridge, where
she'dbeensitting,whenMarcoputuponehand,stoppingher.

"Waitasecond,"hesaid,squintingtowardMadeline."Iknowthatgirl.She'safriend

ofClarissa's.Isawheratthehospital."

Immediately,Angelopulledawayfromher.
Shit.
Madeline froze. She looked from me to Clarissa. "I don't know what he's talking

about, sweetie," she said, kissing him and trying to paw her way back into his good
graces.

"Frankie!Brad!Getbackoverherewiththosebriefcases!"Icouldseehimstartingto

putthingstogetherinhisheadandtriedtoinchmywaytowardClarissa,hopingtoget
to her before he put two and two together. Angelo was staring hard at Madeline. He
wrapped a hand behind her neck and pulled her to within an inch of his face. When
she'dbeenpawingalloverhim,hehadn'tstoppedtolookbeyondhertitsandlonglegs.
Now, he was studying her. Inspecting every millimeter of her face. Madeline looked
frightened,butshewasclearlytryingnottoletitshow.Ihadtogiveittoher—shewas
a better actress than I ever would have thought. Whether it was dust carried by the
wind or nerves or fate, it was unfortunate timing that Madeline couldn’t control a
sneezeatthisexactmoment.Herchipmunksqueakrangoutintothenight.Angelo's
eyeswidened.

"Shit,"hesaid."HowcouldIbesofuckingstupid?"
"Whatareyoutalkingabout?"Madelineasked,tryingtolookinnocent.
"Idoknowyou...witch."
Madeline opened her mouth, but Angelo cut her off with a look. He took one

briefcaseandwalkedovertotheledgewhereClarissasat.Myheartskippedabeatashe
openedit.

"Angelo,"Isaid."Wait."
Butthebriefcaseclickedopen.Oldnewspapersstaredbackathim.Angeloturnedto

me,shootingmehisgrimylittlesmirk."Nice,"hesaid."Ialmostboughtit."

IcreptclosertohimuntilIwaswithinacouplefeetofClarissa.Shelookedpetrified.

Marcowasholdinghisknifetowardheragain.Itwaspointedatherchest.

"Angelo,please.Icangetyouthemoney.Ijustneedmoretime."
"Oh,Iknowyou'llgetthemoney,"Angelosaid.HelookedatClarissa."It'stoobad,

really. She's pretty, this one. Well, what can you do?" He turned back to me. "One
down,onetogo.You'vegottwenty-fourhours."

"Wait, what do you mean? One down? One to go?" I stared at Clarissa, wanting to

grabherbutknowingifIactedtoorashly,itwouldmeanherdeath.

"Oh,"Angelosaidnonchalantlyasifheweregivingmearecipeforlasagnainstead

ofmakingthreats."Itooktheprecautionofsendingsomementoyourmother'shouse.
Theyshouldbetherebynow.SoeventhoughClarissa'sgone,youshouldbehappyto
knowthatyourmotherisn't.Yet."

"I'mnotgone,"Clarissasaid,hervoicebarelyaudible."I'mrighthere."
Angelolookedbacktowardher.
"No, honey. You aren't." He reached out one hand and pushed Clarissa off the

bridge.

CLARISSA

yfeetcircledovermyheadasmybodydidasomersault.Myhandsflailedaround

me,andmyfingersbrushedtheedgeofsomethingcoldandsteely.Igrippedittightly,
bendinganailbackasmyfingersdugintothestructureofthebridgeandrefusedtolet
go.

Iscreamed.
My feet dangled high above the Harlem River as I tried not to look down. But my

eyesdrifteddownwardanyway,againstmyprotests.Myheadwasspinning.Ifeltlight
headed,andmyfingersslipped.Igrippedthemtighter,sendingsharp,searingpaininto
myfingertipsasthebentnailpeeledallthewayoffmyfingertip.Atleastthepainwoke
meup.Iwasnolongerdizzy.

"Oh God!" I cried out. "Lars!" I screamed as loud as I could and heard him shout

back.

"Clarissa!" His face appeared over the edge of the bridge, staring down at me with

wild alarm. I realized I wasn't that far from the top of the bridge. It had felt like I'd
fallenamillionmilesdown,butreallyithadonlybeenafewfeet.Larsreachedoutone
handtowardme.Ireachedouttotakeit.Suddenly,hewasyankedbackward.Icould
heargroansandgruntsasIimaginedLarsfightinghiswaythroughAngeloandtherest
ofhisgoons.Mylegskickedoutfromunderme,searchingfranticallyforsomewhereto
plantthemselves.

Myleftfootwasjustabletoreachtheedgeofoneofthebeamsholdingthebridge

up.Itriedtoslipmytoesintoasmallopeningandmyshoefelloff,ploppingintothe
river below. I screamed again as my toes tried desperately to grab hold of the steel
girder.

"Lars!"Iscreamedagain.Icouldhearnoisesfromuptopbutcouldn'tseeanything

that was going on. I looked down again and immediately regretted it. The blood
pouringoutofmyfingernailwasmakingmygripslippery.IknewIdidn'thavemuch
time.Ihadtogetbackupor...Ilookedbackdownoncemore,tryingtogagehowfarof
adropitwas.Iknewthebridgewastall,butnotthetallestinNewYork.TheBrooklyn
Bridgewasalmostthreehundredfeettall.Thiswasslightlyshorter.Twohundred?Two
fifty?

I had this recollection of my old scene teacher saying once that a fall into water

fromtwohundredfiftyfeetwasfatalinninety-eightpercentofthecases.IhopedIwas

misrememberingthat.

I twisted my body, trying to bring my legs up so that maybe I could wrap them

aroundthebeamIwasholdingonto,butthatonlymademeslipmore.Ihadseconds
before I would be falling. I said a silent prayer to protect my father and Treena and
wishedthatinmynextlifeImightmeetLarsagain,onlyunderbettercircumstances.

EternitystretchedbeforemeasIwaitedtofall.Ifeltmyfingersslippingandtried,

oncemore,toreachforthetopbeamofthebridge.Ifailed.Myfingersslippedandmy
lifeflashedinfrontofme,justlikepeoplealwayssaiditdid.

Isawmyfatherinthehospital,hisfacebruisedandbattered.ThenIsawhimagain

when I was eight and he was holding me in his arms after I'd fallen off my bike and
skinnedmyknees.Hekissedmyheadandtoldmeeverythingwouldbealright.Ikept
myeyesclosedasIfelltowardthewater.ThatwasthememoryIwantedtotakewith
me.

Someone's fingers wrapped around my wrist, snapping me back from the jaws of

death.I'dbeenfallingsofastthatthesuddenjoltofstoppingnearlyyankedmyarmout
ofmysocket.Iopenedmyeyes,everypartofmeaching.

"Clarissa!" Lars screamed as his hand clamped tightly around my wrist. "I've got

you!"

LARS

heldontoherwrist, afraid I was going to break her by squeezing so hard, but even

moreafraidtoletgo.Ifshefell,Iwouldneverforgivemyself.

"Clarissa!"Iscreamed.Isawhereyesopenwide,staringatmewithpanic.Itriedto

pullherup,butitwashardwiththepainIwasin.I'dmanagedtoknockMarcoandthe
two goons out, but Angelo had grabbed Marco's knife and dug it into my side just as
Madelinehadrunoff,screamingintothenight.Ishouldhaveknownshe'dneverstay
and fight. Can't say that I blamed her. I knew my knife wound wasn't serious, but it
certainlydidn'tmakemyjobanyeasier.IwasluckythatI'dmanagedtoknockAngelo's
headintoasteelbeamwhenIdid.

"Holdon!"Ishoutedtoher."I'vegotyou!"Shedangleddangerouslyoverthewater.

Ifsheslippedandfell,therewasnowayshecouldsurvive.Notatthisheight.

Itriedagaintopullherup.Myarmfeltlikeitwascomingoutofmysocket,butI

didn'tcare."Reachupwithyourotherhand!"Iyelledtoher."Trytograbaholdofthe
railing!"

Shereachedupwithherlefthand,herfingertipsalmostgraspingthebottomedgeof

therailing.Iwaspullingherupsolelywithmyrightarm,usingmyleftforsupportasI
graspedtherailingsowedidn'tbothgotopplingover.Suddenly,painshotthroughmy
lefthandlikeI'dneverfeltbefore.Angelowasstandingthere.He'djustdriventheblade
ofhisknifethroughthepalmofmyhand.Ijerkedmybody,reactinginstinctivelyto
having a knife in my hand. My entire football career flashed before my eyes as my
handthrobbedandbled.ThepainwassogreatIcouldn'timagineeverbeingabletouse
it again for anything, especially not throwing a football. A quick wave of remorse
washed over me as I knew my career was over, but the remorse disappeared the
secondIheardClarissascream.Whateverhappened,Clarissawasworthit.

"You'refuckingdone,Lars!"Angeloshouted.Ilookedquicklyaroundandsawfive

ofAngelo'smenrunningfromtheoppositesideofthebridgetowardus.I'dbeenwrong
toassumehe'donlypostedtwomenoverthere.Idiot.

IretightenedmygriponClarissawithmyrighthand,mylefthandthrobbinginpain

asIshookit.Theknifewasstillstuckinit.Ithadactuallypokedthroughtheotherside
ofmyhand.Ifthebridgehadbeenmadeofwood,theknifeprobablywould'vedriven
deepdownintoitandheldmeprisonerthere.TherewasnowayIcouldgettheknife
outwithoutlettinggoofClarissa.Ijusthadtodealwithit.Ibaredmyteethandtook

deepbreaths.Angelostoodtherelaughingatme,actuallylaughing.Foronce,hissmile
lookedgenuine.

"Ifyoulethergo,"Angelosaid."Youstillhaveachancetosaveyourmom."
Itwaskillingmenottobeabletotakehimout,buttherewasnochanceinhellthat

IwasgonnaletClarissago.

"Fuck you, Angelo," I shouted. Veins popped from my forehead as Angelo slowly

approachedme.TherewasnothingIcoulddo.IfIdroppedClarissa,shedied.IfAngelo
killedme,we'dbothdie,butatleastI'dgooutknowingthatI'dfoughtmyhardestfor
theonlywomanI'deverloved.

"Letmeseethathand,"Angelosaid,grabbingmylefthand.Hepulledtheknifeout,

andIscreamed.I'dneverfeltsomuchpaininmylife.Heheldtheknifeundermychin,
tauntingmewithit.

"Last chance," he said. "If you die, we're still gonna kill your mom. Just so you

know."

I spit in his face. Angelo grimaced, his face turning red. He raised the knife,

preparing to slice my throat with it. Madeline jumped on his back. We were both so
wrappedupinwhatweweredoingthatneitherofushadnoticedhercreepupbehind
him.Shehadtakenoffherheelssothatshewouldn'tmakeanynoise.

Angelo was so startled he actually dropped the knife. I reached out with one foot

andkickeditfaraway.Hisotherhiredgoonswerealmosttous,andIonlyhadafew
momentstogetClarissauptosafety.Ireachedovertherailingwithbothhandsnow
and pulled with all my might. I could hear Madeline screaming, but it wasn't fear. It
wasanger.

"Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!"shescreamedoverandoveragain,batteringher

fistsagainstAngelo'sheadasshewrappedherlegstightlyaroundhiswaist,ridinghim
likeabull.

Iletoutalong,powerfulgruntasmyarmspulledClarissaupward.Finallyshewas

abletoreachoutwithonehandandgraspthetopoftherailing.Ipulledharderasher
legscameupandoverthesides.Shefellontopofme,kissingmepassionatelyasIlay
withmybackflatonthebridge.

"Thankyou,"shewhispered,herfacewetasIwrappedmyarmstightlyaroundher.
"I'mneverlettingyououtofmysightagain."
Madeline let out a loud, piercing scream. We looked up just in time to see Angelo

flingheroffhisback.Shewentcareeningthroughtheair,landingwithathumpasher
back hit one of the steel beams and she fell to the ground unconscious. I stood up,
readytotackleAngelojustlikeinagameoffootball.

A shot fired through the air, buzzing within an inch of my ear. I turned to see

Angelo's henchmen approach us, guns drawn. Clarissa jumped up, clinging to me
tightlyastheywalkedtowardus.

Itwasjustthenthatamanapproachedfromtheoppositeendofthebridge."Hey!"

hecalledout."Angelo!Isthatyou?"

Angeloturnedaroundtoseewhothisnewintruderwas.
"Ithoughtthatwasyou!Whatareyoudoingouthere?"
"Tony?"Angeloasked,confused.
"Yeah."

"Whatareyoudoinghere?"Angeloasked.
"Lookingforyou.I'vegotsomethingforyou."Hepulledagunfromhiscoatpocket

and pointed it directly at Angelo's heart. "I'd call your boys off if I were you. Even if
theyshotmedeadrightnow,I'dstillgetoffonegoodround.Andoneisallittakesto
kill."

As if on cue, a group of guys I recognized from Vinegar Hill all came around the

bend.Therewereaboutfiveofthem,andtheyallhadguns.Suddenly,thingshadjust
evenedup.

CLARISSA

oomuchwashappeningatonce.ItriedtofocusonLars,butmyeyeskeptturningto

Madelinelyingonthegroundwithherheadbleeding,thentomyownhandcoveredin
blood. There were too many men that I didn't recognize. I couldn't tell Angelo's men
apartfromtheoneswhowere,apparently,Lars'friends.

IlookedaroundonthegroundforaweaponsoIcouldhelpandspottedtheknife

lyingnotfaraway.Ireacheditjustasagunwentoff.Ilookeduptoseeoneofthemen
I didn't recognize get shot. I hoped it wasn't Lars' friend. When I heard Angelo start
cursing,Iknewitwasn't.

LarspunchedAngelointheface,andhefellback.TheguythatLarshadcalledTony,

theonlyoneIcouldseemtokeeptrackofotherthanLars,grabbedAngeloashefell
andshovedhiskneeintohisgroin.Everyonehadguns,butonlyafewshotsseemedto
havebeenfired.Iguessedthatitwashardtohitamovingtarget,especiallyonethat
youwereentangledwith.

Igrabbedtheknifeandheldittightlyinmyhand,notreallysurewhatIplannedto

do with it but feeling better having some sort of weapon, even if it didn't fire bullets.
Somethinginmystomachchurned,andIfeltsuddenlynauseous.

Ohjeez,nowwasn'ttherighttime.
Thenauseapassed,andIrealizedithadmoretodowiththethrobbingpaininmy

fingers than it did with being pregnant. I watched worriedly as Lars and his friends
fought Angelo, finally deciding the best thing I could do was check on Madeline and
stayoutoftheway.

Iskirtedaroundtheedgeofthefight,cheeringasLarsclobberedoneofthegoons.It

lookedlikethiswouldallbeovershortlyandLars,Tonyandtheirfriendsappearedto
have the upper hand. I made my way to Madeline and crouched down beside her,
cradlingherheadgentlyinmylap.Herheadwasbleeding.

"Madeline?"Iasked,worried.Ihadnoideahowshe'dwoundupheretonight.AllI

knewwasthatwhenLarsandIhadneededhelp,she'dbeenthere."Madeline?"Isaid
again,wonderingifIcouldeverforgiveher.Evertrustheragain.

I looked at her chest and suddenly realized that it wasn't rising and falling as it

should. There was slight movement there, but it was very jerky, like she couldn't
breathe.

"Madeline!" I screamed louder this time. I started shaking her. Her head wobbled

fromsidetoside.Islappedoneofhercheeks,demandingthatshewakeup.Suddenly,
hereyesopened.Sheinhaledagreatswallowofair,andIsawhercheeksturnpinkas
bloodrushedtothem.Inthatinstant,IknewthatIcouldforgiveher.Trustwouldform
againwithtime.Whateverhadhappenedbetweenus,shehadhelpedtosavemylife
tonight.

Iheldherheadtightlytomychest,strokingherhair.Shelookedupatme,hereyes

glassybutslowlystartingtofocus.

"Clarissa?"shebreathed."You'reokay?"
I nodded. "Oh God," she cried. "I'm so sorry." She wrapped her arms around me,

huggingmetightlyasshetriedtositup.

Therewasaloudgruntingnoise,andIlookedupjustintimetoseeLarsclubAngelo

overtheheadwithhisfist.HegrinnedasAngelofelltothegroundandthistimestayed
down.Igrinnedbackathim,butmygrinturnedintoascreamasIpushedMadeline
awayandrantowardLars.

"Clarissa,what's—"
HisquestionwascutoffasMarcofiredaroundstraightintoLars'back.

LARS

ometimeduringallthefighting,Marcohadregainedconsciousness,grabbedagun,

andwaitedforhisopportunity.ClarissagottomejustasMarcohadfinishedpullingthe
trigger.I'dneverseenanyonerunsofastinmylife.Itriedtoyellout,totellhertostop.
Ididn'twantheranywherenearMarcoorhisgun,butshewasalreadypushingmeout
of the way. Clarissa and I tumbled to the ground just as the bullet sailed past her
shoulder.TonyspunaroundandfiredtwoshotsintoMarco'schest,droppinghimdead
asafly.

IlaywithClarissaonthegroundforaminute,breathing,relaxingeversoslightly.

She hovered over me, her face pale as she searched my eyes and started patting me
down.

"Whatareyoudoing?"Iaskedher,laughingasherhandsliftedmyshirt,tryingto

examinemelikeadoctor.

"Lookingforawound.Areyouokay?Didyougethit?"
"No,"Itoldher,smiling."I'mfine."Ikissedherwarm,preciousmouth,wonderingat

what a fool I'd been to spend the last two days without her soft, moist lips. "I can't
believeyoujustsavedmelikethat.Thatwasverystupid.Nexttime,Iinsistthatyoulet
me get shot." She thought I was joking, but I wasn't. Suddenly, I remembered
something.Ijumpedup,Clarissarisingwithme.

"Tony!Mymother!I'vegottowarnher!"
Tonyshookhisheadfromtenyardsaway."I'vegotittakencareof,"hecalledback.

"Youmight'veforgottenwhatAngelo'slike,butIdidn't.ThefirstthingIdidafteryou
calledwassendsomeguysovertoherhouse."

I breathed a sigh of relief as Tony turned back to the group of guys he'd brought

withhim.Irecognizedacoupleoftheirfacesandwouldhavetoremembertothank
themlater.

"Youknow,Clarissa,"Isaid,turningbacktoher."You'reverybrave,butyou'realso

—"Ifelttheblooddrainfrommyface.

"Lars? What is it?" Clarissa asked, fear shooting into her eyes. But the fear I saw

therecouldneverhavematchedmyownfear.

"Tony!Tony!Ineedhelp!"Iscreamed.
"Lars, what is it? What's wrong?" She continued looking me over, searching for a

bulletwoundbutfindingnothing.

"It's not me," I told her, grabbing her hands and clinging to them tightly as tears

floodedmyeyes."You'vebeenhit."

Sheblinked,notunderstanding."I'vebeenhit?"sheasked,laughing."Lars,I'mfine.

The bullet grazed my shoulder. That's all. I—" She turned to look at her shoulder to
emphasizeherpointandsawtheopenbulletwound.Bloodwaspouringoutofit."I...
no.Ifeelfine,"shestuttered."Itdoesn'tevenhurt."Tonywasrunningtowardus.Itried
togetClarissatositdown,butshewouldn'tlisten.

"I'mfine,"sheassuredme,thendroppedtoherknees."Justfine."
I sat beside her, forcing her to lay down again. Her face was growing paler by the

second."Actually,maybeyou'reright.Somethingdoesn'tfeelright."

Iwatchedhereyesflutterclosedandstayclosed.
Tonywasbesidemeinseconds,butitfeltlikehours."Icalled911,"hesaid.Icould

hardlyhearhim.IpulledClarissa,unconscious,intomylap."OhGod,"Icried."I'velost
her."

"Don'tsaythat,"Tonysaid."Thisisn'tAsh."
"Yes,itis!"Iscreamedathim."ThisisAshalloveragain!IfailedherjustlikeIfailed

him!"

"Lars,shutup,man.Youcanstillmakethisright.You'llhaveanotherchance."ButI

couldn't hear him anymore. Even if the paramedics made it here in time, this was a
footbridge.Theycouldn'tdrivetheambulanceuponit.They'dlosepreciousminutes
justtryingtogettoherwhileshebledout.

ItookadeepbreathandbracedmyselfasIliftedClarissaintomyarms.
"Lars,whatareyoudoing?"
"Youcan'tcarryher!"Madelinecried,runningovertojoinus."Lookatyou,you're

hurtjustasmuchassheis!"

Iignoredthemboth.IignoredthepaininmysidefromwhereAngelohadstabbed

me. I ignored the throb in my hand from where he'd stabbed me a second time. I
ignoredthebloodlossandthelightheadednessandeverythingelseexceptthewoman
in my arms who was carrying my child. I had promised myself that if she gave me
anotherchance,I'dneverletherdownagain.

Istompedslowlytowardthefootofthebridge,takingcarenottodropher.Every

boneinmybodyachedmoreandmorewitheachstep,butIrefusedtogiveintothe
pain.

"Letmecarryher,man,"Tonysaid.
My only answer was my silence. The foot of the bridge was my end zone, and

getting Clarissa there meant I'd just won the game. Methodically placing each foot in
front of me, I made it to the bottom of the bridge just as the cops arrived with the
ambulance.

CLARISSA

openedmyeyestobrightoverheadlights.Itwasn'tuntilIturnedmyheadandsaw

LarsinthechairbesidemybedthatIrealizedIwasinahospital.I'dneverforgetthose
chairs.I'dspentenoughnightsinthemaftermyfather'saccident.

"Lars?"Icroaked.
His head shot up so quickly that I wondered if he'd actually been asleep. His eyes

wereredascherries.Itlookedlikehehadn'tsleptinamonth.

"Clarissa!"hebreathed,soquietlythatIalmostcouldn'thearhim.Itwaslikehewas

afraidthatspeakingtooloudlywouldhurtmesomehow.

"WhereamI?AmIokay?"
Hetookmyhandandsoftlybrushedhislipsovermine.
"Oh my God! She's awake!" My sister's voice screeched loudly through the air as

Treenaburstintotheroom,flingingherselfoverme.SheglaredatLars.

"Youweresupposedtocallmethesecondshewokeup."
"She just opened her eyes," he said defensively. "I swear!" Treena took my other

hand,andIsuddenlyfeltlikethecenterofsomestrangeprivateartshow.Theywere
bothstaringatmeasifIwerethemostbeautiful,mostwonderfulthingtheyhadever
seenintheirlives.

"Um,"Isaid."So...issomeonegonnatellmewhat'sgoingon?AmIokay?"Myeyes

buggedoutofmyhead,andIlookeddownatmystomach."Is...is...?"Ilookedfrom
TreenatoLars.

"It's okay," Treena said, rolling her eyes. "I know all about what Mr. Muscles here

didtoyou.HeconfessedeverythingtomeafterIbeatitoutofhim."

IlookedatLars,whoblushedfuriously."IalreadytoldyouIwasgonnatakecareof

it,"hemurmuredoutofonesideofhismouth.

"Whatareyoutalkingabout?"Iasked."Takecareofwhat?Isthebabyokayor—"
"The baby's fine," Lars interjected. "Both of you are just fine." I breathed a sigh of

relief.

"WhataboutDad?"
"Youcanaskhimyourselfwhenhegetsback."
"Getsback?Youmeanhe'sawake?"
Treenanoddedherheadtowardtheemptybednexttomine."Sinceyesterday.He's

stillkindofoutofit.He'sinthebednexttoyours.Larsarrangeditsoyoutwocouldbe

roommates.ItoldhimIwasn'tsurethatwasthegreatestidea,buthewasdetermined."

Ibeamedathimandleaneduptokisshim,realizingforthefirsttimethatmyarm

wasinsomesortofcast.

"Itwasacleanwound,"Larssaid,pushingmebackagainstthepillowasheleaned

downtokissmeagain.

"HowlonghaveIbeeninhere?"
"Threedays."
I couldn't believe I'd been asleep for three days. It made my head spin. "Who are

youtexting?"IaskedLarswhenhepickeduphisphone.

"Maddie.IpromisedherI'dletherknowwhenyouwokeup.ShecanletTonyknow

thentoo."

"YourfriendTony?"
Henodded.
"Yeah,they'vebeenprettytightthelastfewdays.WhenthecopshauledAngelooff,

they tried to grab Tony too. She came to his rescue, so to speak. Let the cops have a
pieceofhermind."

"SoAngelo'sinjail?"
"Yep,andhe'snotgettingoutforalongtime."
Suddenly,IfeltlikeRipVanWinkle.I'dfallenasleepandtheworldhadchangedall

around me. I closed my eyes, suddenly very tired. Minutes passed without a sound,
thenTreenastartedwhisperingtoLars.

"Weshouldlethersleep,"Treenasaid.
"Iwill,"Larswhisperedback,"butI'mstillnotleaving."
"Whataboutthering?"
"Mymombroughtitoverlastnight.Itwasmygrandmother's.It'stheonlyfamily

heirloomwehave.Ican'tbelievemymomactuallyletmehaveit.Doyouthinkshe'll
likeit?"IheardrustlingandthenTreena'sgasp.Iopenedmyeyes.

"Whatdidyoujustsay?"MyeyeswerestillblearybutnotsoblearyIdidn'tseethe

wide-eyedlookLarsshottoTreena,whostartedgrinninglikeakidonHalloween.

"OhmyGod,ohmyGod,ohmyGod!"shecried.
"Treena!"Larssnappedather,lookingirritatedbutalsoalittleexcitedhimself.He

turnedhisattentionbacktome."Youhavearealbadhabitofeavesdroppingonpeople,
youknowthat?Ithoughtyouwereasleep."

"Well, you thought wrong," I said. A nurse suddenly appeared outside the door,

pushingamaninawheelchair."Dad!"Ishoutedwhenhecamein.

"Hey!Lookwho'sawake!"
"Me? What about you?" He rolled himself over to my bed, and we hugged each

otherawkwardlyasIVneedlesandtubespokedoutofeachofus.

"Ahem,"Treenasaid."Somethingimportantwashappeninghere."
MydadlookedfromTreenatome?"What'sthat?"heasked.
Treena and I both looked at Lars, who turned a bright shade of red. Slowly, he

withdrewsomethingfromhispocket.Itwasasmallwhitevelvetbox.Hekneltdown
besidethebedasmyheartspedup.

"Ican'tseeyouonthefloor!"Icriedoutasmyeyesbegantowater."Thisbed'stoo

high."Itriedtopeerovertheedgeandwould'verolledofftheedgeifthebarsweren't

there to stop me. Lars stood back up, shaking his head. My father watched us, a
confusedlookonhisface.

"What'sgoingon?"heasked.
IlookedbackatTreena."Don'tworry,I'llwheelhimaroundthehospitalafterthis

andexplainitalltohim.ThatwayyouandLarscanhavesomealonetime."

"Whywouldtheyneedalonetime?"myfatherasked,startingtolookalittleflushed.
This time, Lars ignored the traditional part about kneeling—we weren't very

traditionalanyway—andopenedthebox.

"ClarissaWalker,thefirsttimeImetyou,Ilikedyou.ThesecondtimeImetyou,I

hatedyou."

"No,"Iinterjected."Youstilllikedme.Ihatedyou."
Hegrinnedfromeartoear."Nothinggetsbyyou,doesit?That'soneofthethingsI

love most about you. You're the whole package. You have the brains to match the
beauty. I never thought I would want one woman to share the rest of my life with,
but...Iwantyou.Ifyou'llhaveme?Whatdoyouthink?Wannagrowoldtogether?"

He was still grinning as he opened the box and presented me with a magnificent

emeraldcutdiamondonagoldband.Itgleamedinthehospitallights,almostblinding
me.

"Willyoumarryme?"heasked.
"Yes!" I screeched, almost jumping out of the bed. "I'll marry you!" Lars leaned

down,restrainingmesothatIwouldn'tfall,andkissedme.Hislipswereasoftsummer
wind carrying me with him to places I had never before dared to dream. With Lars
besideme,IknewI'dneverhavetoworrywherethewindtookme,aslongaswewere
together.

EPILOGUE

LARS

oesn't mommy look beautiful?" I whispered to Ashley before handing her off to
CoachWalker.He'dtoldmetocallhim"Dad"amilliontimes,buthewouldalways

beCoachtome.

"Areyousureshe'sgonnabeokayoutthere?"Clarissaaskedworriedly."She'snot

eventwoyet."

"She'soldenoughtoknowhermommywhensheseesher,"Coachsaid,beaming.
"Besides,ifshegetstoosquirrely,oneofuswilltakeherout,"Itoldher.
"I'dbehappytowatchher,"mymomsaid."Anythingformygranddaughter."
"Maria,Iinvitedyouheretowatchtheshow,notbeababysitter,"Clarissasaid.
"Iknow,butIneverthoughtI'dgetagranddaughter.I'mmorethanhappytohelp

out."

"Tellyouwhat,"CoachWalkersaid,"ifthislittlegirlactsup,we'lltakeheroutside

together.Whatdoyousay?"

"I'd say deal," my mom said, smiling back at him. I wasn't sure I liked the overly

friendlyconnectionthatseemedtobegrowingbetweenmymomandCoachWalker,
butIdecidednottoworryaboutitrightnow.Ihadenoughtostressoutaboutalready.
Besides,ifthingstookaromanticturnbetweenthem,atleastIknewCoachwasagood
guy.Likeanyson,Ijustdidn'tliketheideaofmymomgettingherfreakonwithany
man,nomatterwhoitwas.

Therewasaknockonthedoor."Clarissa,fiveminutes."
I could see her heart jump as she began pushing us out the door of her dressing

room."I'llseeyouallaftertheshow,"shesaid.Shekissedmehardbeforeshooingme
out with everyone else. "I still can't believe it's finally happening," she said, taking a
deepbreath."Afterallthistime.Thelastyearandahalfhasfeltliketentome."

"You'llbewonderful,"Coachtoldher,kissinghercheek.
TonygrabbedMaddie'shand,andtheyheadedoutthedoor."Breakaleg,"Maddie

said."Bytheway,haveItoldyouhowjealousIamthatthisisyoursecondshowwith
Phil?"

"First,"Clarissacorrected."ABrideforMyFatherneverhappened.Atleastnotwith

me."

"Yeah, but you were still cast as the lead, so it still counts!" Maddie laughed, and

Clarissahuggedher.

"Iwishyou'dtakenthatpart.Youwouldhavebeengreat."
She blushed. "I couldn't. You know that. Not after everything that happened.

Besides,myfirstshowopensintwoweeks,andIexpecttoseeyouthere,evenifthat
meansyourunderstudyhastogoon."

"Iwouldn't miss it foranything," Clarissa told herbefore Tony tugged on Maddie's

arm.

"Come on," he said. "We've gotta get to our seats." Maddie grabbed his hand, and

theyranofftogether.

ItookonelastlonglookatClarissaasherroomemptiedout."Ring,"Isaid,pointing

atherfinger.

"Oh!" she looked flustered. "Thanks for reminding me." She took off her wedding

ringandhandedittome.

"I'llkeepitsafe,"Ipromised,thenkissedherquicklyastheystartedcallingplaces.
In my seat with Ashley, I looked around and realized that finally, after all these

years,Ihadafamily.Arealfamily.IfinallygotwhatAshhadbeentryingtotellmeall
thoseyearsagowhenhe'dfirsttalkedaboutgettingout.Moneydidn'tmatter.Nothing
mattered except the people in your life. The people you called family. Of course, the
hundredmilliondollarcontractI'djustsigneddidn'thurt.IwonderedhowAngelohad
reactedinprisonwhenhe'dlearnedaboutmycontract.Finally,Ihadthemoneytopay
him.Toobadhe'dneverseethelightofdayagain.

Theorchestrastarted,andthecurtainsopened.Clarissa'svoicerangout,alowwail

thatcarriedthroughthetheaterandbroughttearstoeveryeyeinthehouse.Whenshe
finished, the room erupted into applause. It was only her first song, and already the
crowdlovedher.ThoughIdoubtedanyonewouldeverlovehermorethanIalready
did.

PERSONALNOTE

EnjoyHardMan?Youcanmakeabigdifference

Reviewsarethemostpowerfultoolinmyarsenalwhenitcomestogettingattention

formybooks.MuchasI’dliketo,Idon’thavethefinancialmuscleofaNewYork

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ButIdohavesomethingmuchmorepowerfulandeffectivethanthat,andit’s

somethingthatthosepublisherswouldkilltogettheirhandson.

Acommittedandloyalbunchofreaders.

Honestreviewsofmybookshelpbringthemtotheattentionofotherreaders.

Ifyou’veenjoyedthisbookIwouldbeverygratefulifyoucouldspendjustfive

minutesleavingareview(itcanbeasshortasyoulike)onthebook’sAmazonpage.

Youcanjumprighttothepagebyclickingbelow.

Thankyouverymuch.

CUFFS&BALLERS

BADBALLERSBOOK2

SNEAKPREVIEW

PROLOGUE

TREENA

felteveryeyeintheroomonusasJaxspunmearoundthedancefloor.Myreddress

flared out, revealing long, trim legs, and the tan I'd been working on for the last two
weeks. I still couldn't believe I was at Denver High's prom with the hottest guy at
school. A slow song started, and Jax wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me
close.Ipressedmyfaceagainsthisneck,inhalingeverymorselofthescentIhadcome
toknowandlove—greengrassandsunshine.WhenIwasafreshman,Ineverwould
have believed that sunshine had a scent, but as a junior, I could smell it on Jax as
certainlyasIcouldfeelthemusclesinhischesttwitchingthroughthethinfabricofmy
dress.

"I'm glad I beat you at skee-ball last week," I purred, resting my head against his

shoulder. "Winning that bet was the only way I was ever gonna get you out on the
dancefloor."

"I'vegotasecret,"hewhisperedbacktome."Iletyouwin."
Myheadshotup,andasmirklightedmyface."Noonelosesatskee-ballthatbadly

onpurpose."

Hegrinnedbackatme."I'mreadyforarematchanytimeyouare."
"You'reon.I'llwipethefloorwithyounexttimetoo,"Igrinned.Ilightlypressedmy

mouth to his. The soft, gentle kiss I'd been going for turned long and passionate. We
stoppeddancing.Westoodwithourarmswrappedaroundeachother,neitheroneof
uswantingtoletgo.

"Areyoureadytogetoutofhere?"hewhispered.Icouldfeelhishotbreathblow

softlyagainstmyear,warmingmefrommyheadtomytoes.

"If you are..." I said, my heart palpitating wildly in my chest. I hoped Jax couldn't

readhownervousIwas.

"Treena,"hesaid,puttinghishandundermychinandtippingmyheadbacksothat

myeyesmethis,"wedon'thavetodoanythingtonightthatyoudon'twantto.There's
norush."

Aslowsmilespreadacrossmyface,impossibletohide."Don'tyoudaretrytoback

out now," I teased. "I'm ready," I felt my cheeks color. He leaned in and kissed my
forehead, his soft lips lingering close to my face for just an instant before I caught a
look from Mrs. O'Hara, who was chaperoning with about a dozen other teachers. I
pulled back and took his hand in mine, swinging our arms as we walked toward the

exitoftheColoradoHotelballroomourschoolhadrentedoutfortheprom.

"Besides,"Iteased,"you'releavinginafewdays.Iwanttomakesureyouremember

mewhenyou'resurroundedbyprettycollegegirls."

"Hey," he said, stopping just outside the entryway to the ballroom. "I won't forget

you,whetherwehavesextonightornot.You'retheonlyoneIwant,TreenaWalker.
Now or ever. I meant what I said. I want this to be special. I don't want you to sleep
withmebecauseyoufeellikeyouhaveto."

Myheartskippedabeat,andIlostmybreath.IftherewasonethingJaxwas,itwas

a gentleman. I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him, pressing my five-foot-five-inch frame
againsthishulkingsix-foot-fourone.Mylipsjusttouchedhis,andIinstantlyfeltthat
shudderI’dbeencomingtoequatewithadeep,primalurge.Thekindthatcouldonly
besatisfiedwithsomethingmorethankissing.

My body was on red alert as Jax escorted me up to the room he'd booked for the

night.IsentmydadaquicktextandtoldhimIwasalright,thatIwasoutwithJaxand
ourfriends at a Denny's,eating midnight breakfast. Iknew Clarissa would be waiting
up for me when I got home. Even at fifteen, my younger sister had eyes like a hawk
when it came to matters of the heart. The second I walked into the room we shared,
she'dknowsomethingwasdifferent.

Our hotel room, average to anyone else, seemed magical to me as Jax closed the

doorbehindus.ItwasasifithadbeencreatedbyafairygodmotherespeciallyforJax
andmeonthisspecialnight.Thebedsatinthemiddleoftheroom,readyandwaiting.
ThiswastheonlytimesinceJaxhadfirstaskedmeoutwhenIwasinseventhgrade
andhewasineighth,thatwewerealonetogetherinahotelroom.Isetmypurseaside
andspuntofacehim.

Jax'sblueeyesglimmeredacrossthedimlightoftheroom,searchingmine.Itried

tosendhimasignalthewaywomeninmoviesalwaysdid,conveyinglustandloveand
willingnessallinasingle,simpleglance,butIthinkallImanagedtoconveywasmy
nervousness. Jax stepped close enough that I could feel his breath on my face and
unbuttonedthetopthreebuttonsofhisshirt.Mybreathcaughtinmythroat,forcinga
small cough. Jax reached down, taking my hand in his. He raised it to his bare chest
andplacedmyopenpalmoverhisheart.Itwasbeatingjustasfranticallyasmine.

ThankGod—he'snervoustoo.
"Don'tforgetthatyou'renotalonehere,"hetoldme.
Icouldn'thelptheteasingglintinmyeye."Ishouldhopenot.Thatmightbeabit

awkwardifIwas,don'tyouthink?"

Helaughed,andIfelthishandshake."That'snotwhatImeant,"hesaid.
"Iknow."Agigglebubbledupoutofme.
"What'ssofunny?"Jaxasked.
"Two virgins alone in a hotel room... whatever will we do?" I knew it was nerves

making me laugh now. Jax shattered them with the soft stroke of his fingertips over
mycheekashebrushedsomehairfrommyeyes.Itookadeepbreath.

We leaned into each other at the same time. His lips brushed delicately against

mine,sendingashiverupanddownmyspine.Ikissedhimback,harder,ourtongues
twirlingtogetherashislargehandlightlypressedagainstthesmallofmyback.Ibroke
awayfromhimforjustasecond,ournosesstilltouchingasIwhispered,"Promiseme

that when you're at Penn State, surrounded by all those cheerleaders and girls
throwingthemselvesatyourfeet—"

"Treena,that'snotgonnahappen."
"—promisemethatyou'llrememberthismoment.That...thattonight,atleast,we

were one person." God, it sounded so corny now that I'd said it out loud. I blushed
furiously.Jaxkissedmelightlyandmetmyeyeswithhis.

"Treena, I promise you that I will never forget you. I will never leave you. I will

alwaysloveyou."

For some reason, a chill ran across my skin just then, making me break out in

goosebumps.Jaxheldmetightertohim.

"Iloveyou,too,"Itoldhim.
Hekissedme,andIfeltthechillfadeaway,replacedwithaburningdesirethatwent

straighttomycore.IsentonelastprayerouttothefatesorGodorwhateveritwasthat
guidedyounglovers,thatwhatevermighthappen,JaxandIwouldalwaysbetogether.
Thenwesanktothebedandforgotabouttheoutsideworld.

JAX

tookastepandthrewtheballtoMason.Hemissedcatchingitbymorethanafoot,

andIsilentlycursedmyself.Thatwasmyfault,nothis.MyheadthrobbedasIbeganto
fidget,plantingmyfeetdeeperintothegrass.Foronebriefsecond,IwishedIwasata
bar instead of at practice for the New York Jets. Then Mason threw his helmet down
andstompedtowardme,andtheimageofabarvanished.

"Damnit,Jax!Whatthehellisthematterwithyou?"Masonyelled.Hisfacewasred

andpinchedandsweatgleamedacrosshisforeheadinthehotsun.Hewasnobigger
thanme,buthehadatemperIcouldn'taffordforhimtolose.Notafterlastseason.

"Sorry,Mason,"Isaid."Iblewthatpass."
"Damnright,youblewit!"
Therestoftheteamstoodwatching.Someofthemlookedbored.Theywereusedto

meandMasonateachother'sthroats.Coachwasalreadymakinghiswayover.

"I knew it was a mistake letting you back on the team this season," Mason spat.

"How much have you had to drink today, anyway? Enough to drown a cow is my
guess."

"Fuck you, Mason!" I yelled, my temper finally flaring. "I haven't had a drink in

almostayearandyouknowit!"Iclosedmyeyesandtookadeepbreath.Icouldhear
Cadeninmyheadtellingmetocounttoten.Slowly,Ididasmysponsorwouldhave
instructedifhewerehereinsteadofinBostongearingupforhisownfirstgameofthe
season.BythetimeIopenedmyeyes,CoachAllenhadjoinedus.

"What'stheproblem?"Coachasked.
"He'sdrunk,"Masongrumbled.
"Iamnotdrunk,"Ireplied,fightingtokeeptheedgeoutofmyvoice.
MasonaddressedCoachAllen."That'swhathesaideverytimehebotheredtoshow

uplastseason."

"You'reonetotalk,"Iyelled.Ifeltmycontrolslipping.
"What'sthatsupposedtomean?"
"Nothing, except there's a certain video floating around the internet showing you

smokingsomethingthatI'mprettysurewasn'tacigarette."

Masontookasteptowardme,andCoachjumpedbetweenus.
"Cutthecrap!Bothofyou,"CoachAllensaid."Mason,tothelockerroom."
"Fuck,Coach!"Masonhollered."Whyshouldhebeleadquarterback?Iwasherelast

season.Alloflastseason.Anddidn'tmissonedamneddayofsummertraining."

"It'smydecisiontomake,notyours.Anymoreoutofyouandyoucanskippractice

tomorrow,too.Jaxwillbejoiningyouinaminute."

Mason walked off grumbling, and I bit my tongue. What the hell could I say

anyway?EverythingMasonhadjustsaidwastrue.Whenhewasgone,Coachturnedto
me.

"Now,you,"hesaid,shakinghishead."Iwenttobatforyou,youknowthat,right?

Theownerwantedyougone."

"Iknowthat,"Isaid,barelyabletomeethiseyes.
"Iknowyou'reclean,butyou'vegottastartplayinglikeit.Nomoremissedpasses.

Nomorefumbles.Ifyougetonthatfieldnextweekandthere'sevenahintofthekind
oftroubleyouhadlastseason—"

"Therewon'tbe."
Coachstaredhardatmeforaminute."I'mcountingonit."Hetookadeepbreath

and let it out. "I know it was hard for you after your dad died. Then the whole thing
withPenny."Hesighed."You'vehadaroughyear."

Referringtothelasttwelvemonthsas"aroughyear"didn'tcomeclosetocuttingit.

Istillrememberedthelastgameoftheseason.Itwastheworstgameofmylifeandthe
last one my father had ever seen. The disappointment in his eyes when I'd stumbled
drunkoutofthelockerroomafterwardstillhauntedme.I'dneverhadachancetoset
itright.Thedrunkdriverwhohadtakenhislifewasbehindbars.I'dtriedtohatehim,
buteverydaywhenIlookedinthemirror,Iknewitjustaseasilycouldhavebeenme
who killed someone's father... or mother... or sister. How many times had I driven
drunk?Thelastonehadbeenthedayofmyfather'sfuneralwhenI'ddrivenmyselfto
rehabandstayedforthreemonths.

Coach Allen was still talking, but I realized I had no idea what he was saying

anymore.

"...Penny's just not right for you. She never was. She’s slept around and everyone

knowsit.She’sawashed-upmodel,andyouareindangerofbeinganalmostwashed-
upquarterback.You'rebetteroffwithouther."

Inodded,tryingnottoshowmyirritation.Mydivorcehadbeenhighlypublicized.I

wasn'teagertotalkaboutit.OurrelationshiphadbeensunkthesecondIwenttorehab
andshedidn't.I’dknownIcouldn'tmakehergettreatment,butI'dhopedshe'dcome
around.Instead,she'ddrawnoutthedivorceaslongaspossible,squeezingasmuchas
she could out of me before it was finalized two weeks ago. A bitter "fuck you" to my
movingonwhenshestillcouldn't.

"Coach,Iappreciate—"
"All you've got to appreciate is that you're never gonna get your head back in the

game while you're still dealing with all this baggage. I know what I'm talking about.
WherewasIjusttwoyearsago?Broke.Wipedoutfrommyowndivorce.NowI'vegot
arich,beautifulwife,andI'mbackontop.ButnoneofthathappenedformeuntilIlet
mybaggagego."

MaybeCoachhadapoint.Maybepartofmyproblemwasn'tPennyorevenmydad.

I'd gone through the twelve steps, but there was still one person from my past I
couldn't let go of. The one person I'd failed to seek out and ask for forgiveness. I

wonderedwhereTreenawasnow.Sevenyearswasalongtime.Iknewherfatherwas
inNewYorkcoachingtheGiants.Hewasoneofthemorewell-knowncoachesinthe
NFLandmadethepaperseveryweek,buttheynevermentionedTreena.Whywould
they?

"Thanks,Coach.I'llworkonit."
"Good. Now get down to the locker room, and tomorrow when you show up, I

expect you to be playing like you belong here. This is the goddamn NFL, not some
backwoodsswamp.Startactinglikeit."

TREENA

openedthedoortomynewstationandsteppedinside.Immediately,Iwashitwith

the steady buzz of energy found in any police station in any major city. Denver had
been no different. Except, of course, in Denver I hadn't been a homicide detective. It
wasathrillingfeelingtobehere.IstillrememberedthefieldtripI'dtakentoourlocal
policestationinfourthgradewhenI'dbeenintroducedtothelifeoffightingcrime.I'd
gone home and proudly declared to my father and sister that I was going to be a
policewomanwhenIgrewup.

Iwalkedbrisklytowardthefrontdesk,keepingmyheadhigh.Myoldcaptainhad

warnedmethatImightrunintoproblemshere.Awomaninaman'sworldwasnever
an easy place to be, especially when that woman had beat out other cops with more
experienceforthistransfer.

"TreenaWalker,"Itoldtheyoungmaleofficerbehindthedesk,flashingmybadge.

"Reporting to Captain Murphy." He pointed me toward a door at the back of a large
room filled with cops at their desks. Suddenly, they all seemed to be staring at me. I
toldmyselfitwasmyimagination,butasImademywaythroughtheroom,Ifelttheir
eyesonme.Threemeninuniformshuddledtogether,whisperingastheyglaredatme.
Ididn'tpassonewomanasIwalkedtotheofficeintheback.

Iknockedonthedoor.
"Open!"amanshouted.
IturnedtheknobandsteppedintoCaptainMurphy'soffice,closingthedoorbehind

me.Theroomwasjustbigenoughtoholdamassiveoakdeskthattookupathirdof
thespace.Paperswerestrewnalloverit.Acomputersatofftotheright;morepapers
surroundedit.CaptainMurphylookedup,fixingmewithdarkbrowneyesandacold
stare.Hisrecedinghairlineplacedhimsomewhereinhismid-forties.Heworeabrown
suitandatiewithamustardstainonit.

"TreenaWalker,"hesaid,leaningbackinhischairandsurveyingme.Iwaswearing

dark blue pants with a matching blazer and a crisp, white dress shirt, an outfit I had
agonizedoverforthelastweek.IwantedtomakesureIfitthenewroleIwasplaying.
Mylongblondehairwassecuredinahighbun,andonlyatouchofmakeuphadbeen
appliedtomyface.IwaitedforCaptainMurphytospeakagain.

"Well,welcomeaboard,"hefinallysaid."Goodluckonyourfirstdayhere."Hislips

curvedupintoasmile,andIfeltmyselfrelaxjustthetiniestbit."You'regonnaneedit."

Great.Hethinkshe'sfunny.CaptainMurphypickedhisdeskphoneupandpushedan
intercombutton."Canyoucomeinhere,please,Keith?DetectiveWalkerhasarrived."I
didn'tmuchcareforthewayhesaid"detective,"asifitwasallabigjoke,butIheldmy
tongue.

Asecondlaterthedooropenedandamanofthirtywithdarkbrownhairandeven

darkereyescamestrollingintotheroom.Helookedatmewithcriticaleyes.Icouldsee
himgauginganddismissingmyabilitiesasacop.WhenheturnedtoCaptainMurphy,
hewasn'teventryingtohidethesmirkonhisface.

"DetectiveTreenaWalker,meetDetectiveKeithAnderson.Yournewpartner."
Iextendedmyhandtowardhim.Hissix-footframeseemedtotowerovermeasI

waitedforhimtoshakemyhand.HelookedatmelikeIwastoxic,andwhenhefinally
tookmyhand,itwasonlywiththefastest,lightestgriphecouldgetawaywith.Ifelt
likeIhadleprosy.

"Pleasedtomeetyou,Keith,"Isaid.
HeshotanirritatedlooktoCaptainMurphy,whosmiledathimandsaid,"Showher

theropes,Keith.Goonandmakeherfeelathome."Somehow,Ididn'tthinkthelook
they exchanged indicated that "home" was meant to be like the warm and inviting
apartmentI'djustrentedhereinNewYork.

Anderson turned with a huff, opening his mouth just enough to breathe and said,

"It's Detective Anderson." Then he walked out of the room. I stood there another
minute,uncertainaboutwhetherIshouldfollow,untilCaptainMurphyyelledatmeto
hurryupbeforeAndersondecidedtogohomeandcallitaday.Iwasn'tsurewhether
ornothewasjoking,soIhustledafterAndersonandcaughtuptohimbesideadesk
withamountainofpaperworkandablanknameplate.

"Thisisyours,"hesaid,indicatingthewoodenslab.
"Thanks.Iappreciateyour—"
"Andthis,"hesaid,liftingthemoundofpaperworkoffthedeskandflingingitinto

myarms.

"What's this?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light. I didn't want to make a bad

impression on my first day. Anderson smiled. It almost brightened his face—almost.
Therewasadarkshadowhangingoveritthatmadehissmileseemwitheredsomehow.
Likehislipswerenothingbutalayerofskintohidethereal,evilsmilethatlurkeddeep
insidehim.

"This,"hesaid,"ispaperwork.You'regonnabedoingalotofitwhenyou'reareal

detective." I noted the insult and had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling. I knew
thateveryeyeintheroomwasonus.Onme.IfIstartedshoutingnow,they'dthinkI
was nothing more than a crazed woman susceptible to temper tantrums. Hell, they'd
probablythinkIwasonmyperiodandtellCaptainMurphyIwasunfitforduty.

"Is this all?" I asked, making my voice sugary sweet and smiling back at him. The

smiledroppedfromhisface.Hetookahalfsteptowardme.

"Youthinkyou'rerealcute,don'tyou?Justbecauseyouroldcaptainisafanofyour

father'sandwasabletofast-trackthispromotionbecauseofyouroldman—"

"Myfatherhadnothingtodowithmybecomingadetective,"Itoldhim.Deepdown,

I was bothered to know that might not be entirely true. Two years as an officer was
awfullyfasttomakehomicidedetective.Andmyoldcaptainhadbeenahugefan—and

friend—ofmyfather.Butstill,Iwasgoodatmyjob.Damnedgood."Myscoreonthe
detective'sexamwasperfect.Thefirstoneinmydepartment'shistory.Didyouknow
that?"

"Idid.So?"
"So, I've got as much right to be here as anyone," I said, forcing my voice to stay

evenandmeasured."Besides,Ithoughtwewerepartners."

"I can't be partners with someone who doesn't even know how to do paperwork."

Hesteppedovertoanotherdeskwithanameplatethatread"Det.CliveMorrow"and
grabbedastackofpapersalmostashighasthefirstonehe'dgivenme.Thebaldman
sitting there raised his blonde eyebrows in surprise and followed Anderson with his
eyes as he walked around the room, gathering paperwork from almost every desk
beforereturningtome.

"There,"hesaidwhenhewasthrough.Hehandedmeastackofpaperssoheavyit

could have sunk the Titanic. "When you're done with that, come find me. There's
alwaysmorepaperworktodo.It'sallpartofbeingadetective."Hesmiledandwalked
awayasrandomgigglesechoedaroundtheroom.Thishadtobe,withoutadoubt,the
worstfirstdayonajob,ever.

JAX

helockerroomusuallyfeltlikehometome,butstuckdownherealonewithMason

suckedeveryounceofjoyfromit.Itfeltbeinginaprison,exceptprisonwasprobably
better because at least there you had windows. The only consolation was that my
locker, number fifty-five, was at the opposite end of the room from Mason's two
hundred-one. We glared sideways at each other as we both changed out of our
uniforms.

"Hey,Jax,"Masoncalled."Whatdoyousaywegogetadrinkafterthisandburythe

hatchet?I'mbuying."

"Pissoff,Mason."
He cackled loudly, sounding like a hyena. It stung my ears and made me move

faster.Ipulledthepaddingfromundermyjerseyandwasoutofmyspandexandinto
myjeansinabouttwoseconds.

"Hey,Jax,"Masoncalledagain."What'sadrunkman'sideaofabalanceddiet?"
Itriedtoshutmyearstothecomingpunchline,butitwasuseless.
"A beer in each hand." Mason cackled even louder this time. "Hey, Jax, what's the

differencebetweenyouandasofa?Thesofadoesn'tkeepaskingforaJackandcoke!"

Islammedmyhandsagainstmylocker,makingmyfifty-fivenumberplaterattle.

"Shutup!"Iyelled.Masonstartedtowardme,hisarmsoutstretched.

"Whatareyougonnadoaboutit?"heasked.
"Mason,I'mnotgoingtofightyou.It'snotworthgettingkickedofftheteam."
"I'mnotworriedaboutthat."
"No shit. But if you start something with me now, Coach will bench you for

tomorrow'spracticetoo."

"NotifItalktoTim.Timfuckinglovesme,man."
Shit.TimHewitt.OwneroftheJetsandpossiblymyleastbiggestfan.Itwasjustbad

luckthatheandMasonwerepals.IturnedawayfromMason,hatingthatIwasbeat.I
took a deep breath and let it out. Mason inched closer to me, but he was still several
feet away. He opened his mouth again just when my phone rang. I looked at the
number.

Crap.Couldthisdaygetanyworse?
Masontookafullsteptowardmenow,andIdecidedtoseizethephonecallasmy

opportunitytodismisshim."What,Penny?"Iaskedholdingthephonetomyear.

"Jax...Jax,baaaby."Hervoicewasheavy,andherwordswereslurred.
"You'redrunk."
"Newp.Notdrunk,justtoasty."Herlaughwasthroatyandstrangelymaniacal.Ifshe

wascallingmenow,shemustbeextra"toasty."

"Istheresomethingyouneed,ordidyoujustwanttogloatsomemoreaboutgetting

tokeepthehouse?"

"Newp. Just thought I'd give a courtesy call. I'm dumping all your football stuff in

thetrash.Inone,two,th—"

"Fuck!Penny,don't!"
Ipicturedmytrophyroom.IknewIshouldhavetakenmyPennStatePlayerofthe

YearawardwhenI'dmovedout.I'dleftitinthehouse,alongwithmostofmythings,
because up until the divorce was finalized, I kept thinking that somehow I'd get the
houseback.Afterall,I'dboughtitbeforePennyandIwereevermarried.Leavingmy
stufftherehadmademefeellikeIstillhadaclaimonit.

"Justdon'ttouchanything.I'mcomingoverrightnow."
"Toolate,"shesaid,andIheardacrash."Fuck!Penny,ifyoudestroymystuff,I'll

fuckingkillyou,youhearme?"

Shegiggledintothephoneandhungup.Ididn'teventakethetimetochangeoutof

myjersey.Igrabbedmykeysandmadeabeelinefortheexit.

"Ifyouwantthatdrinklater,"Masoncalledafterme."Justletmeknow.Soundslike

youmightneedit."

TREENA

setasidewhatwasmaybeone-tenthofallthepaperworkAndersonhadgivenme.I

stared at the next pile and felt my stomach grumble. A soft shadow passed over the
glaring white papers, and I looked up to see a woman with long chestnut hair pulled
backinabun.Shehaddazzlingblueeyesthatcouldleapacrosstheroomandknock
yourpantsoffifsheswungtheminyourdirection.

"Youknow,Keith'snotallbad,"shesaid.
"DetectiveAnderson?Yeah,I'msurehe'sarealpussycat."
"Onlyifyourubhimtherightwayandfeedhimtuna,"shesaid.Hermouthbroke

intoagrinthatIfoundinfectious.ShewasthefirstfriendlyfaceI'dseenallday,also
thefirstwomanwearinganofficer'suniform.

"I'mEmilyHope,"shesaid,extendingherhand.Ishookit.Hergripwasfirm.The

practicedhandshakeofawomanworkingalongsidemen.

"TreenaWalker,"Ireplied.
"Yes, I know. I heard you'd arrived and thought you could probably use some

cheeringuprightaboutnow.Theguysinthisdepartmentaregood,buttheycanbea
toughgrouptobreakinto.Especiallyifyou'reawoman.Believeme,Iknow."Shewas
talkingquietlysothatonlyIcouldhear.Isawafewoftheotherofficersanddetectives
glanceatus,buttheydidn'tseemtopayusmuchattention.Justtwowomenchattingit
up.Nothingimportant.

Mystomachrumbledagain,louderthistime."Wannagrabsomelunch?"Iasked.
"That'swhatIcameovertoaskyou,"Emilysaid,stillsmiling.
Wewalkedtoasmallcafésheknewabout,notfarfromthestation."It'smostlyjust

acoffeeandsandwichshop,butmostofthefellasdon'tcomeinhere.They'dratherdo
burgersorhotdogs.Thisplaceisalittletoodaintyforthem."Ilookedaroundtheroom
with its lavender paint and freshly laundered tables. The smell of garlic and peppers
waftedthroughtheair,hittingmynostrilslikeafreighttruckandmakingmymouth
water. I thought the guys at the police station probably didn't know what they were
missing.

"So, how long have you been with the department?" I asked as we sipped our

coffees.

Emilyscrunchedupherface,thinking."IjoinedtheacademyrightafterIgraduated

highschool,thentransferredhererightafter,so...aboutsevenyearsnow,Iguess.How

aboutyou?"

"Two,goingonthree.ButthiswillbemyfirstinNewYork."
"Wow,"shesaid."That'swhatI'dheard,butIwasn'tsureifitwastrue.That'sawfully

fasttobeadetective.I'vetriedtheexamtwicejustinthelastyear,butIkeepblowing
it."Hersmiledownturnedslightly.Nowprobablywasn'ttherighttimetotellmynew
friendthatI'dgottenaperfectscorethefirsttimearound.

"I'msureifyoukeepatit,you'llpass.Icanalwayshelpifyouneedastudypartner."
"Thanks. I might just take you up on that. Every time I take it, I think I've got it

nailed.ButI'mnotevenclose."Ourwaiterbroughtoursandwiches,andwesatquietly
forafewminutes,eatingourfood."SowhatmadeyoutransfertoNewYork?"Emily
askedbetweenmouthfulsofhercheesesandwich.

"Myfamily'southere.Mydadwasinareallybadaccidentafewmonthsago,andit

sortofmademereevaluatemypriorities,youknow?"

"Isheokay?"
"Heisnow,butforawhile,itwastouchandgo."Wefinishedourfoodandchecked

thetime.Westillhadafewminutesleftbeforewehadtoheadback.

"DoyoumissColorado?"Emilyasked.
"Sometimes. But I never had anyone really special there, so it wasn't too hard

leavingitbehind."

"Noboyfriend?"
I hesitated. A flash of Jax ran through my mind, and I pushed it away, just like I

alwaysdid."No.Atleastnooneserious.Howaboutyou?"Iasked,tryingtochangethe
subject.

She shook her head, her cheeks coloring. "Not anymore. There was one guy... I

thoughthemightbetheone,but..."Iliftedmyeyebrows,waitingforhertofinish."I
guesshejustdidn'tfeelthesameway."

"Itgetseasier."
Sheliftedhereyes."Ithoughtyoudidn'tleaveanyonebehind?"
I hesitated. It was never easy talking about Jax. "I didn't. There was a guy... once

uponatime.Wewerehighschoolsweethearts.Itwassillytothinkitwouldlast."

"Whathappened?"
I shrugged. "He was a year older. He left for college. I texted, emailed, called… all

thatsortofstuff,youknow?Itseemedfineatfirst.Wetalkedalmosteveryday."Itook
asipofmycoffee,rememberingtooeasilyhowthingshadallgonewrong."Then...it
just stopped. Gradually at first. Almost so slowly that I didn't even notice. One day, I
realized it had been three weeks since I'd last heard from him. That was it. No
goodbyes.Noexplanations.Italljuststopped."

Emilyreachedoutandpattedmyhand."Lovesucks."
"Itsuredoes."
"I'm seeing someone new," she said suddenly, blushing furiously. "He's a cop. It's

stillnew,justafewmonths,but...Idon'tknow.We'llsee."

Igiggled,thedirtygirlinmesurfacing."Youcouldprobablyhavealotoffunwith

twosetsofhandcuffs."

Emily's cheeks turned a deeper red, and she pinched my arm. "That's so wrong.

Besides...I'vetried.He'snotintoit."Webothburstintogigglesaswepushedourchairs

backandmadeourwaytotheexit.Itfeltgoodtolaugh.

"Hey,mysisterandIaregoingouttoJonandBuddy'slater.Wannacome?"
"JonandBuddy's?"
"It's like Dave and Busters but without the alcohol. Perfect for cops, minors, and

drunks."

"Idon'twanttobeathirdwheel."
"Oh, please. It's just my sister. She'll love you. Besides, you're the first friend I've

madeinNewYork."

Emilysmiled,"Okay.Thanks."
Back at the station, we went our separate ways after exchanging numbers. I

promisedtotextherlaterwiththetimeweweremeeting.Andersoncamewalkingup
besideher.Ithoughthewasgonnayellatherforgoingtolunchwithmelikeshewas
somesortoftraitor,butheleanedclosetoherandwhisperedsomethinginherearand
shesmiled.

Another detective whose name I couldn't remember was standing near the water

cooler talking to an officer. They were watching Emily and Anderson. "I guess I can't
blameKeith;Emily'shot.Butwhatthehelldoessheseeinhim?"thedetectiveasked.

"Beatsme.Maybeshe'sgotathingforcops."
"Maybeshe'shopinghecanhelphermakedetective."
"Bysuckinghisdick?"
The detective finally seemed to notice me and quickly moved away, looking

annoyed.IwasshockedtohearthatEmilyandAndersonwereanitem,especiallysince
officers and detectives in the same department weren't supposed to date. It took me
abouttwosecondstodecideIdidn'tcare.Emilywastheonlypersonwho'dtreatedme
decently all day. She could fuck the whole department for all I cared. A friend was a
friend.

JAX

enny was alternating between bouts of maniac laughter and soul-crushing sobs.

Rightnow,shewassobbingintheentryway.I'dbeenherefiveminutes,andalreadyit
feltlikefiveyears.Herdarkblondecurlsweremattedtoherface,whichwasredand
blotchy.Shewasonlytwenty-five,butshecouldhavepassedforfortywhenshewason
a bender. The alcohol had a way of sucking the moisture from her skin and the light
from her eyes. She was half-dressed and kept flashing her bra at me every time her
robefellopen.

"I'vemadeamistake,"shesaidastearsstreakedoverhercheeks.
Ishookmyhead.Ishouldhaveknownbetterthantocomedownherealone.There

wastoomuchhistory.IhadboughtthishousejustbeforemeetingPenny.Itwashere
that I'd courted her, proposed, and regretted my decisions ever since. If I'd had any
senseatall,Iwouldhavelistenedwhenmyfriendshadtriedtowarnmeabouther.At
times,IwonderedifI'deverreallylovedher.Caredabouther...yes,butlove?Ithought
therewasonlyonewomanIhadeverreallyloved.AnditwasbecauseI'dlovedTreena
that I'd cut her out from my life so long ago. How could I let her see the mess I'd
becomeaftergoingofftocollege?

"I'm sorry," Penny cried, trying to wrap her arms around my neck and kiss me. I

pushedheraway,andsheglaredatme.Shegrabbedherdrinkoffthetableandgulped
downhalfofwhateverwasstillinit.

"It'stoolate,Penny.You'vemadeyourdecision.Thedivorceisfinal.I'mjusthere

formystuff."

She swung her arm in a wild arc through the air. "Not that!" she cried, laughing

again."Idon'tcareaboutthat."

"Then what are you sorry for?" I asked. Her dried-out, pink lips curved up into a

smile."Ihaveasecret."

"Asecret?"
"Yep.Doyouwanttoknow?"
"No."
She giggled. "Ask and you shall receive." She shoved her glass into my hand. I

sniffedit,inhalingthesmellofstraightvodkalikeitwasthescentofanoldlover,then
setitaside.

Ihateditwhensheplayedgameslikethis.Ifshehadsomebigsecretshewantedto

tellme,thenIwishedshe'djusttellme.Instead,shewantedmetodragitoutofher.I
openedmymouthandimmediatelyshutit.Thiswasallaset-up.Awayforhertoreel
mebackin.

"Penny, I'm getting my stuff and going." I paused as a whiff of her vodka-laced

breath filled my nostrils and realized that I had to get out of here now before I did
somethingstupid."Actually,forgetit.I'lljusttakemyPlayeroftheYeartrophyandget
therestlater."

"I'llthrowitallout!"sheshouted,angeredbymyrejection.
"Fine. Do whatever you want with it." I thought Caden would be proud of me for

getting my priorities straight. My father too, if he were still alive. My mother had
walkedoutonuswhenIwasstillababy,soIhadnoideawhatshe'dthinkofallthis,
nordidIcare.

"Fuck!"Pennyscreamedasshefollowedmedownthehallwaytomytrophyroom.I

grabbed the one award that meant the most to me and turned to leave. She grabbed
aholdofmyjersey,stainingmynumbertwenty-threewithfreshtearsassheclungto
melikealiferaft.

"I'msorry.Imadeamistake.Idon'tknowwhattodo."Shelookedupintomyeyes,

pleading with me for answers I couldn't give, and for a moment, I felt a rush of
sympathyforher.Foramoment,shewasthebeautifulmodelI'dmetataparty,the
onewho'ddrunkwithmeandmadelovetomeandalmostmademeforgettheonegirl
frommypastI'dbeentryingsohardtoforgetforthelastsevenyears.

"Goodbye, Penny," I said, gently pushing her off me. She grabbed a trophy off its

shelf and flung it across the room as I exited with my Player of the Year award. The
trophyleftadentinthedrywallandfelltothefloorwithacrack.Ididn'tstop.IfIdidn't
leave now, I'd regret it later. I called Caden from the car as I drove away from the
house.

"Hey, man," he said. The familiar voice stilled my nerves, like a patient talking to

theirtherapist.IknewIwasrighttoleavePenny'sjustnow,butitwasn'teasyforme.

"Hey.Ineedtotalktoyou."
"Youokay?"
"Notreally.IjustleftPenny's."
He let out a low whistle. "I'm still in Boston. I'm due to catch a flight back to

Manhattantonight.I'llstopbyassoonasI'min."

"Thanks.Iappreciateit."
"Hey,Jax,"Cadensaid.Icouldhearthecarehewasusingwhenchoosinghiswords.

"Yougonnabeokay‘tilthen?"

I shrugged and realized he couldn't see me. It was probably a good thing. "I think

so."

"'Think'isn'tquitegoodenough,man.Notifyouwanttostaysober.Doyou?"
"Of course," I said, startled by the question. It had been almost a year since I'd

touchedanything,evenabeer.Ihadnointentionofbreakingmystreak.

"Good,thengetyourselftoameeting.I'llbebackbysevenandmeetupwithyouby

eight."

"Yes, Commander," I said, trying to lighten the mood. Caden didn't laugh. "Fine," I

toldhim."I'llgotoameeting."

"Now?"
"Yes.Now."
"Good.I'llseeyoutonight."

TREENA

onandBuddy'swasjumping.Ahealthymixofteensandadultssaturatedtheplace
fromwalltowall.Theteencrowdchoweddownonnachosandstuckmostlytothe

newerarcadegameslikeDanceRevolutionandGuitarHero,whiletheadultsmixedit
up, eating full meals inside the restaurant portion that held a full view of the arcade,
beforeheadingofftoplayPac-ManorFrogger.

"Gotyou!"IcriedouttriumphantlyasIsankClarissa'spuck.Theairhockeytablewe

were at rattled as the scoreboard declared me the winner. Clarissa's mouth dropped
open,andhereyesgotacrazylook.

"OhmyGod,"shecried.
"Youdon'thavetolooksosurprised,"Itoldher.IturnedtoEmily,"Clarissaalways

thinksshe'sgonnawin.Itneverhappens."

"It'snotthat,"Clarissasaid.Shewaslookingovermyshoulder."IsthatwhoIthinkit

is?"

Emily and I turned to see where my sister was looking. I felt the breath instantly

chokeinmylungs.ItfeltlikeIwasbeingstrangled.

"Oh my God," I said, echoing Clarissa, "It's Jax." I would have recognized him

anywhere,evenaftersevenyears.ItriednottopanicasthemanI'dlostmyvirginityto
satinthefrontoftherestaurantsectionengrossedindeepconversationwithanother
man."OfalltheplacesinNewYork,whatthehellishedoinghere?"

"He's on the Jets," Emily promptly said. "He's the quarterback. He lives in New

York."

"I know," I said, trying not to sound irritated. "He's... Jax is the one I mentioned

earlieratlunch."

Emily's eyes widened. "The high school sweetheart?" I nodded. Her lips tightened,

andherwholefaceturnedwhite."Weshouldgo,"shesaid.

Clarissaswungherpurseoverhershoulderandstartedwalking."Isecondthat."She

andEmilyweresixfeetawaybeforetheyrealizedIwasn'tfollowing.Clarissawalked
backovertome.Shewastalking,butitwaslikeIwasinatunnel.AllIcouldseewas
Jax.Hewassittingatatablewithagood-lookingguywithbronzehairandeyesalmost
asblueasJax's.Myhearthadstopped.Icountedthesecondsuntilitwouldstartagain,
uncertainthatiteverwould.ThiswasthemomentIhadbothlongedforanddreaded.

Suddenly,Jaxturnedinmydirection.Therewasnowheretohide.

"Shit," I murmured. "You're right, let's go." I spun away from him and hurried

towardthedoor,almostsprinting.IwasalmosttotheexitwhenIheardthefamiliar
deepvoice.TheoneIneverthoughtI'dhearagain.

"Treena."
I stopped, trying to get control of my breath. I plastered a smile on my face and

turnedtofaceJax.

"Hi,"Isaid,muchtoobrightly.
"Hi,"hereplied.Westoodstaringateachother.Helookedgood.Realgood.Ilicked

mylipsandtriednottopicturehisnakedbody.Thememoryofourfirstandonlytime
togetherwasstillasfreshinmymindasifpromnighthadbeenoneweekagoinstead
ofalmostadecade.

"Howareyou?"heasked.
"Fine."
Clarissa and Emily stood staring. I could see Clarissa's mind whirling. She was an

actress and a singer, and I'd accepted long ago that meant her emotions were always
turnedonandreadytoexpressthemselves.Shedidnotapproveofthismeetingwith
Jax. Of course, she was the one who'd had to listen to me cry myself to sleep every
nightafterheleft.

"Wewerejustleaving,"Clarissafinallysaid,grabbingmyarmandspinningmeback

towardthedoor.

"Wait,"Jaxsaid."Please!"
IstoppedandforcedClarissatoturnbackaround.
"CanItalktoyouaminute?"Jaxasked.
"No,"Clarissaansweredforme.Iglaredather.
"Youremembermyyoungersister,don'tyou?MissBossy,alsoknownasClarissa.

She'sonlygottenworsesinceshebecameabigBroadwaystar,"Istuckoutmytongue
athertoletherknowthatIwasonlyhalfserious."Andthisismyfriend,Emily."

Jax'seyesshiftedtoEmily,andIsawsomethingregisteronherface.Recognition?It

wasprobablybecauseJaxwasanNFLsuperstar,butIcouldhaveswornIsawthesame
recognitiononhisfacetoo.Jaxopenedhismouth,butEmilycuthimoff.

"Nicetomeetyou,"Emilysaid,thenturnedquicklytome."I'msorry,Treena;Ihave

togo.IjustrememberedthatI,uh,needtofinishsomepaperworkbeforeworkinthe
morning."

"Okay,"Isaid,worriedthatshewasupsetbyJax'sintrusionintoourevening.
"I'llseeyoutomorrow."
Sheranoutofthereliketheplacewasonfire."Thanksforscaringmyfriendoff,"I

spatatJax.

"Listen,"hesaid.Hisfriendlingeredbehindhim,watchinguswithanoddmixture

of curiosity and caution. "I'm not trying to butt into your night, I just... this is Caden
Scott. He's a friend of mine and... my AA sponsor." Jax motioned to his friend who
steppedforward,hishandoutstretched.

"Nicetomeetyou,"Cadensaid."I'veheardalotaboutyou."
Iraisedoneeyebrow."Youhave?"
He nodded assertively and glanced at Jax, nodding his head almost imperceptibly.

Jax took a deep breath. "I don't know if you know, but um, I'm in this twelve step

program..."

I knew exactly what Jax was talking about. Even without following sports too

closely, it had been impossible to miss. Jax's alcohol addiction had been plastered all
overtheinternetandtabloidsnotlongago.Includingamessydivorcetosomebimbo
model.Ipushedthethoughtawaybeforeitcouldsinkitsteethin.

"Iknow,"wasallIsaid.
"Well, part of the program includes apologizing to people you've hurt because of

yourdrinking.AndmakingrightanywrongswhereIcan."

Inodded,notquitegettinghispoint.
"Well,thatincludesyou,"hesaid."Infact,you'retheonlyoneIhaven'tapologized

toyet."

Icouldn'thidethesurpriseonmyface.WhenIknewJax,hehardlyevertouched

alcohol.Iwasn'tsurewhathisdrinkingcouldpossiblyhavetodowithme."Please,"he
saidagain."Canwetalkalone?Justforafewminutes?"

I glanced at Clarissa and saw that she was accurately reading my expression. "I

guess so," I said. A range of emotions were snowballing inside me. I couldn't decide
whetherIwashappy,sad,ortooconfusedbythiswholesituationtoknowhowIfelt.

JaxsaidsomethingtoCaden,andIleanedintoClarissa."Itwon'thurttogivehima

minute.I'llcallyoulater."

Shewhisperedbacktome."Ifhebreaksyourheartagain,I'mkillinghim."
Ismiledreassuringlyandtriedtosuppressmygiggle."Thatwon'thappen.Hejust

wantstotalk."

"Fine.Ineedmybeautysleepanyway.Ihaveashowtomorrownight,andthey're

makingalivevideorecordingofit."Hereyesgleamedbrightly.

"Gothen.I'llbefine."
CadenandClarissawalkedouttogether,leavingmeandJaxaloneforthefirsttime

insevenyears.IhopedIhadn'tjustmadeahugemistake.

JAX

couldn't stop staring at her. I kept looking away, but it was no use. Every time I

glanced to the side and pretended to stare at one of the arcade games, Treena's hair
would shift or her arm would scrape against the table, making it wobble. Something
keptdrawingmyattentionbacktoher.

Imoistenedmylipsandtriedtothinkofawaytokeepherfromleaving.Icouldn't

believehowstrongapullshestillheldformealltheseyearslater.Iguessyounever
forgotyourfirsttime.

"So,whatdoyouthink?"Ifinallyaskedher.
"You mean do I accept your apology? For cutting me out of your life without so

muchasawordandactinglikeaselfishjerk?"

"Uh, yeah..." I said, my heart flopping in my chest like a dying fish. I attempted a

smile,butitfellflat.

"Sure,"shesaid,alittletooquickly."Thepastisthepast."
"Doyoumeanthat?"Iasked,carefulnottogettooexcited.
"Why would I lie?" She blew out a long breath and started searching for a waiter.

"Don'ttheyhaveanyalcoholinthisplace?"

"Uh,Idon'tthinkso.Thisplacejusthasfoodandarcadegames.Ifyouwantalcohol,

food, and arcade games, that's Dave and Busters." She shot me a scalding look, and I
knewIwasblowingthis.

"I'mnotstupid,"shesnapped,pushingherchairback.
"Whereareyougoing?"
"I'm a police officer now, remember? That means I can't stay out late listening to

fakeapologiesfrombullshitsportsstars."

"Wait,"Isaid,jumpingoutofmychair.
"I'vealreadywaited.I'veheardwhatyouhadtosay.Ihaveworkinthemorning."

Sheturnedtogo,andIgrabbedherhand.Instantwarmthspreadupmyarm,flushing
myfaceandmakingmyheadfeellikeIwasstandingunderaheatlamp.

"YoushouldletgobeforeIarrestyou,"shesnapped.Itriedtosuppressachuckle.

She'd always talked about becoming a cop, but I still couldn't believe she'd gone
throughwithit.

"Idon'twantyoutogo,"Itoldher,stillgrippingherhand.
"Whynot?"Shewasstillangry,butatleastshehadstoppedmoving.IknewIhad

onechancetokeepherhere.IfIblewitnow,I'dnevergetthischanceagain.

"BecauseIhaven'tbeatenyouatskee-ballyet,"Ifinallytoldher.
As soon as it was out of my mouth, I knew it had been the right thing to say.

Treena's face registered surprise which quickly turned into a slow, wide grin. Her
cheekscoloredslightly.

"Lasttimeweplayed,Ibeatthehelloutofyouandmadeyoudancewithme."Ilet

goofherhand,andshedidn'tflyfortheexit.

"Last time we played, I let you win so I could dance with you at prom without

lookinglikeafoolinfrontofmyfriends."

"That's what you claim," she said, the smile finally lighting in her eyes. "Bet I can

whoopyouagain."

"Whataretheterms?"Iasked,fallingintoafamiliarandoddlycomfortablerepartee

withher.

Shescrewedupherface,thinking."IfIwin—whenIwin—Iwantyoutogetupon

oneofthesetablesandtelleveryoneherethatyou'reagiantbuffoonanddon'tdeserve
myforgiveness."

"Youdon'thavetowinformetodothat,"Isaid,makingaquickdecision.Iturned

and jumped onto the table we'd been sitting at a moment before. Treena's eyes
widenedtosaucers.

"Whatareyoudoing?"sheasked.
"Attention please, can I have everyone's attention?" At least fifty sets of eyes all

turned toward me. "I am a buffoon. I don't deserve Treena Walker's forgiveness."
Treenasmackedmylegwiththepalmofherhand,herfacered,butshewaslaughing
hysterically.

"Getdown!"shecriedthroughhergiggles.
"TreenaWalker,"Icontinued.Thegroupofpeoplewhowerewatchingusstartedto

gigglenow,too.Isawsomeofthemwiththeirphonesoutandknewthiswouldbeall
overYouTubelater.Myfacewastoodamnedrecognizable,especiallysinceIwasstill
wearing the jersey I'd left practice in. I wished now that I'd taken the time to change
outofit,butI'dbeenfrantictogettoPenny's.AfterPenny's,I'dbeenfrantictogettoa
meeting.I'dcomestraighttoJonandBuddy’safterwardtomeetCaden.

"TreenaWalker,"Isaidagain,"canyoufinditinyourhearttoforgivemeforacting

likeacompletejackass?"

"Yes!" she cried. "Yes! You're forgiven! Now get down before we get thrown out!"

She was trying hard to sound serious but failing miserably at it. Her laughter didn't
falterforasecond.Itookherhandandsteppedoffthetabletoacheeringcrowd.

"Ican'tbelieveyoudidthat,"shesaid.
"Istillhaven'ttoldyouwhatIwantifIwinourgame."
"Whatdoyouwant?"sheaskedcarefully,archingaperfectlypluckedeyebrow.
"You'lljusthavetowaittofindout,"Isaidwinkingandpulledhertowardtheskee-

ballgames.

TREENA

ax'slips were like fire as they pressed against my mouth. His hands felt their way
undermyshirt,andIwasgladI'dworntheblacklacepush-upfromVictoria'sSecret

insteadofthecheapWalmartbraI'dbeenpronetolately.

ItwasagoodthingmykeyfinallyslippedintothelockbecauseIwasreadytotell

Jaxtobreakmydoordownifweweren'tinsidemyapartmentinthenextfiveseconds.
As soon as my door shut, our clothes were flying through the air. We were all hands
andskinandhotbreathpantingagainsteachotherasJaxcarriedmetothebedroom.

Ihalf-jumped,half-crawledoutofhisarmsasIwiggledmywayontothemattress,

squirmingunder him as hisbare skin pressed againstmy body. I couldn't remember
thelasttimeI'dfeltthisstrongofanurgetohaveamaninsideme.Hisbreathsmelled
liketropicalfruitpunch,andIhadtobitemytonguetostopfromlaughingasIthought
ofthetwentyvirgincocktailswe'dshareduntilI'dfinallyconcededthathewasabetter
skee-ballplayer.

Istilldidn'tknowwho’dkissedwhofirst,butthesecondithadhappened,I'dknown

Iwasagoner.TherewasnowayIcouldtearmyselfawayfromJaxnowthathewas
backinmylife.Inippedathisearashepressedhiscoretome.Hisgoldenskinwas
salty-sweetasImovedmymouthtohischest,kissingeveryinchofhistightmuscles.
The hard V of his abs was like a fucking wall that I wanted to knock down with my
tongue.

Hiscockpushedbetweenmylegs,andIfeltmyselfswellwithexcitement.Mylabia

pulsed with each fast beat of my heart as Jax tapped the tip of his cock against my
opening. I spread myself wide for him, and when he finally sank into me, I wrapped
my legs around his muscular back and squeezed as tightly as I could, locking us
together.

Hiscockfilledmefromsidetosideashepulsedhishipsagainstmine.Irosetomeet

every thrust, feeling my throat run dry and my fever grow out of control as he sank
into me again and again. I opened my eyes, and the world was nothing but a blur
rolling by me at racecar speed. My heart felt like it might explode at any second. I
gulpedforbreath,tastingoursweatonmytongueasJaxpoundedintome.

"Oh, God," I groaned as my thighs clenched. Beads of sweat ran between my legs,

sizzlingonmyskin.

IranmyhandsupanddownJax'schestashehoveredinchesoverme.Hisskinwas

hottothetouchandsmoothexceptforthesoftpatchofhairspreadacrosssixinchesof
hiswidth.Iranmyfingersthroughthevelvety,darkcurlsandfeltJax'serectiongrow
insideme.Hebenthiselbows,bringinghismouthclosetomychest.Histongueflicked
inandout,lappingatmyhard,roundnipples.Heneverbrokehisrhythm.

"I'vethoughtaboutthisforsolong,"hesaid,movinghismouthfrommybreaststo

my ear. He kissed my earlobe, tickling it, before shifting to my mouth. Our tongues
twirledtogetherinarollercoasterofexcitement.

"Istillcan'tbelievethisisn'tadream,"IwhisperedbacktohimwhenIhadachance

tobreathe.Ihopedthatdidn'tsoundtooclichéd.Jax'sblueeyesfixedonmine,burning
mewiththeintensityofhisstare.

"Iknowwhatyoumean,"hesaid,thenrolledhishipsforwardonceagain.Ourhips

slappedtogetherloudenoughtowaketheneighbors,andImoanedloudly,notcaring
whoheardus.

"I'm gonna cum!" I shouted. My words instilled a fresh fervor in Jax. His cock

moveddeeperintome.Iunlockedmylegsfrombehindhisbackandopenedmyselfas
wideasIcouldforhim.Ifelteveryinchofhiminsideme,sailingdeepintomypussyas
mybodysuddenlyexploded.

Tremorsrippedthroughmefromheadtotoeasmyorgasmtookhold,possessing

me.Mylegsquakedandmybackarched.Awaveofpleasurerippledthroughmycore
likeatsunami.IopenedmyeyesjustintimetoseeJax'sbabybluesrollingback.His
body stiffened, and I watched his own orgasm grip him. Finally, he collapsed next to
me.Welaytogether,pantinglikewe'djustrunamarathon,beforeJaxrolledoverand
threwonearmoverme.Istartedlaughing.

"What'ssofunny?"heasked.
"Thistime,"Isaid,ateasingglimmerinmyeye,"Iletyouwin."
Hiseyeswidened."Noway.I'mreigningskee-ballchampion."
"Whateveryouneedtotellyourself."
Jaxgrinnedatme."Rematchtomorrownight?"heasked."Noholdsbarred.Winner

takesall."

"You'reon."

JAX

y phone rang, making me jump. I slipped quickly out of bed before it could ring

againandwakeTreenatoo.Itwasstillinmypantspocketoutinthehallway.Icouldn't
believe how fast we'd ripped each other's clothes off. This night had been wild and
unexpected...inalltherightways.

Itstartedtogooffagain,andIgrabbedholdofitjustintime,turningandlooking

backatTreenathroughtheopenbedroomdoor.Shewasstillasleep.

"Hello?"Iwhispered.Ihadn'tevenbotheredtolookatthecallerID.
"Jax?"
"Penny?"Iglancedataclock.Itwasafterthree."Doyouknowwhattimeitis?"
"Ijustwantedtosaygoodbye,"shesaid.Hervoicewasthroaty,anditsoundedlike

she'd been crying. Penny usually cried when she was drunk, though, so it wasn't
exactlyasurprise.

"Listen—"
"Ishouldneverhaveleft.You'retheonlydecentguyoutthere.Iknowthatnow."

She let out a long sob, and I moved farther down the hall, away from Treena's
bedroom."ThelastguyIwaswith...oh,Jax...Imadeahugemistake."

"Penny,Idon'twanttohearabout'thelastguy,'alright?Ifyouneedhelp,realhelp,

thenI'mthereforyou,okay?I'vetoldyouthat.I'lldriveyoutorehab,I'llhelpyoufind
meetings, but these late-night drunk calls have to stop. I'm not gonna take them
anymore."

"They'llstop.It'sallgonnastop.That'swhatIwantedtotellyou."
Somethingsuddenlyclickedinmyhead."Whatdidyoumeanbeforewhenyousaid,

'goodbye’?”

"I'm done with this life, Jax." Her words slurred together, but her meaning was

clear.

"Penny,don'tdoanythingstupid.Don'tdosomethingyoucan'ttakeback."
"It'stoolate,"shesaid.
Myheartfluttered.ForalloftheshitPennyhadputmethrough,shewasn'tabad

person. When I'd first met her, she'd been fun, a ball of laughs. It was only as she'd
sunk—aswe'd sunk—down into the depths of addiction that she'd changed. I'd never
heardthislevelofdesperationinhervoicebefore.

"I'mcomingover,"Itoldhersuddenly.

"Bye,Jax,"shemumbled,hangingup.
Shit.
IpulledmypantsandjerseyonasfastasIcould.IhopedTreenawouldunderstand

whenIexplainedthistoherinthemorning.Fornow,Imightaswelllethersleep.This
was my problem, not hers. I wasn't about to rock the delicate balance of our newly
established relationship by telling her that I had to run to my ex-wife's house in the
middleofthenight.

Iscratchedoutaquicknoteforher:
Sorry,hadtorun.I haveanearlyday. I'llcallyoulater.Don't forget,youoweme a

rematch.

-Jax
Ileftthenoteonhernightstandandkissedhercheekbeforerushingtomycar.

TREENA

yphonewasringing.Iopenedmyeyesandblinked.Thestreamoflightthatburst

frommyLEDscreenwassurprisinglybright,consideringhowsmallmyphonewas.

IlookedatthecallerID.KeithAnderson.Great.ForasecondIpanicked,thinkingI

was late for work. But it was only five. I still had two hours. I pushed answer and
lookedtomyleft,notwantingtowakeJax.Hewasn'tinbed.

"Hello,"Isaid,turningonmybedsidelamp.Isawmybirthcontrolsittingthereand

realizedI'dalmostforgottentotakeit.Iswalloweditbackwithaswigfrommywater
bottle.

"Walker,"hegrunted."It'sAnderson."
"Yeah, what's up?" What's up? What is this, high school? Come on, wake up. "I

mean...whatdoyouneed?"

"WhatIneed,"hesaid,hisvoicesoundedtaxedandIwonderedhowlonghe'dbeen

awakehimself,"...isforyoutogetdownhere.Youweresoanxioustogetoutinthe
fieldyesterday;well,now'syourchance."

Ijumpedoutofbed,suddenlyawake."There'sbeenahomicide?"Iasked.Istarted

pullingclothesoutofmyclosetandgettingdressedwhileAndersoncontinuedtotalk.

"That'sright.Somequarterbackshothisex-wife.Thisisthechanceyouwantedto

provetomethatthedetective'sexamyoutookwasn'tallbullshit."

Excitementcoursedthroughme."Givemetheaddresswhereyouwantmetomeet

you."IwenttomynightstandandpickedupthepadandpenIkeptthere.That'swhen
IsawJax'snote.Mybrowfurrowedforasecond,andIlostmyconcentrationonwhat
Andersonwassaying.

Hehadanearlymorning?
Shit.Ihopedthatwastrue.Ihopeditwasn'tjustsomebullshitexcusehewasusing

tosneakoutofherebecausehe'dhadsecondthoughts.Whyhadn'thewokenmeup
beforeheleft?Thissureseemedlikehewastryingtoslinkoutofherewithouthaving
toexplainhimself.Myhearthammeredinmychest.HadIjustmadeahugemistake?
HadClarissa'swarningaboutbeingcarefularoundJaxbeenright,afterall?Itoccurred
tomethatI'dnevereventextedheraftergettinghomelastnight.Shewasgonnalay
intomeforthatwhenItalkedtoherlater.Andersonwasstilltalking,andIrealizedthat
I'dcompletelymissedtheaddresshe'dgivenme.

"I'msorry,"Itoldhim,feelingmycheekscolor.IhadtofocusifIwasgonnashow

Anderson and the rest of the department I deserved to be a detective. If I wanted to
provemyself,Icouldn'tjustbeasgoodasthem,Ihadtobebetter than them. "Could
yourepeatthataddressonemoretime?"

He sighed but gave it to me again. I wrote it down and stuck it in my wallet so I

wouldn'tloseit.

"We'rearrestingJaxRyderrightnow.I'llexpectyouhereintwentyminutestohelp

ussearchthepremises."

My heart stopped. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I must still be half-asleep.

Comeon.Wakeupandpullyourselftogether.

"I'msorry,whomdidyousayyou'rearresting?"
"JaxRyder.SomehotshotquarterbackfortheJets.Arealscumbag,too.Shothisex,

right in the back." My stomach folded over on itself, and I bent over at the waist,
inhalingdeeply.IfeltlikeIwasgonnathrowup.

"I'll see you in twenty," Anderson said and hung up. I dropped my phone to the

groundandclosedmyeyes.Thiscouldn'tbetrue.Ihadtostillbedreaming.Ihadtobe.
TherewasnowayJaxcould'vekilledhisex-wife.Noway.Iglancedatthenotehe'dleft
forme:Ihaveanearlyday.

When had he left my apartment? I took another deep breath and held it. I forced

myselftostraightenup.WhenIrealizedIwasn'tgonnapuke,Igrabbedmykeysand
headedformycar.Iwouldn'tknowmoreuntilIgotdowntothecrimescene.Thishad
tobeamistake,andthefasterIgotthere,thefasterIcouldproveit.

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Document Outline

Prologue
Epilogue
Prologue
Exclusive Offer
HARD MAN
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48

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