Starting Over

Sara Winters

Copyright 2011 Sara Winters

All rights reserved

Cover photo copyright daily sunny | flickr.com

Before Kurt Dennings saw the figure a few feet down the hall, he felt the eyes trace over him with

deliberate purpose, until he could no longer ignore the feeling of being watched, measured. Glancing to
the side, he acknowledged his teammate with a small nod before returning his focus to the window in
the wall before him and the men swimming in the pool in the next room. Long, lithe bodies glided
through the water in the Olympic size pool, the only sounds in the room the rhythmic splashing of arms
and legs moving in sync.

Kurt took a deep breath and sighed. If everything ended today, this is what he would miss most. The

soothing sounds of swimmers gliding through the water. The way lights from beneath the pool's surface
painted the room in soft hues of teal. The feeling that if he swam hard enough or dove deep enough, he
could soothe the empty, gnawing ache that yawned beneath the surface, allowing him to feel whole for
moments at a time.

There were probably any number of good reasons James Theard was watching him. The most likely

that he was working up the nerve to tell Kurt he could be sitting out the first match. Practice had been
over for fifteen minutes and most of his teammates had hit the showers and cleared out. Kurt had
stayed behind to watch the other three men on the 400 meter freestyle relay team swim laps when
James had disappeared into the locker room. Their coach had emerged a few minutes later, his
trademark bright smile absent as he nodded at Kurt on the way to his office.

After tryouts, Coach Davis had said he would need to work on his weak spots. He hadn't mentioned

anything in the weeks since, except to give Kurt a few pointers about his hand positions. That didn't
mean the captain of the team would let things slide. The first match was still weeks away and Kurt
knew what that meant: James would go after another record to join the distinctions he'd earned his first
two years at NYU and their coach would evaluate whether Kurt was ready to join the ranks of the
NCAA athletes on the team or be reduced to handing out towels between dives. He hadn't been strong
in practice lately. Had, in fact, thrown a few other people off their times with his clumsy turns. So, if
this was the last time he'd attend practice as a full member of the team, he understood.

But understanding didn't make it easier. Kurt felt his stomach tighten as James approached. He

leaned against the wall next to Kurt and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You got a little time?”
Kurt turned to him. James's hair had almost dried since practice had ended. The short, thick strands

stood around his head in clumps. Dark lashes fanned around his blue-green eyes, making it appear as if
he were wearing eyeliner. His mouth was set in a flat line, the full bottom lip pressed hard as he waited
for Kurt's answer.

“Yeah. I don't have anymore classes today.”
“Good,” James responded. “There's a few things we need to go over.”
Kurt nodded before dropping his head. “James, you really don't have to do this. If Coach doesn't

want me on the team anymore, I can—”

“Why wouldn't he want you on the team?” James asked, interrupting. His voice was sharp and his

dark brows drew together, forcing a deep crease between his eyes.

God, he's really going to draw this out, isn't he? Kurt shrugged, his eyes dropping from the gaze

that probed his. “I'm not pulling my weight. I'm holding you all back.” There was defeat in that
whisper, but Kurt couldn't help feeling the swim and dive team would be better off without him. It
wouldn't be the first time someone felt he was expendable. The way things had been going lately, he
was sure every person he met would feel that way about him eventually.

“I don't know where you'd get that idea, but you're not holding us all back. It's nothing that

dramatic, you just need to refine your technique,” James said.

Kurt shrugged. “My dad's part of the reason I'm on the team. He and Coach Davis have been

friends for a while.” And without Colonel Dennings around to wield his considerable influence, Kurt

was struggling just to keep pace with everyone else. The dead weight would have to be cut before he
took the team down with him.

“That's ridiculous. Besides that you helped your team reach the state championships three years

running, Coach Davis wouldn't have taken you if he didn't see potential. You're not just some pity case
he took on as a favor to a friend. He wouldn't let the team down that way.”

The words were harsh, but James's tone left no room for argument. Still, there was always the

chance he didn't know the whole story. Captain or not, he was just another student. Kurt shook his
head. “I'm not the strongest backstroke swimmer. He said he'd help me build up that part, as long as I
stayed strong in breast stroke and freestyle relay. I figured he didn't make exceptions like that for
anyone else.”

There was a long pause before James said quietly, “He did for me. My weakness was the breast

stroke, actually. He worked with me my freshman year until I was on par with the rest of the team.”
Kurt also heard what James wasn't saying. He'd improved so much, he'd set a school record the
previous season, knocking down a time that had been set thirty years previous. Kurt doubted time
would show the same results in his case.

“That's why I needed to see you,” James continued. “Coach Davis wants me to work with you one-

on-one until we get you where you need to be for the first match. You could be one of the strongest all-
around swimmers we have. We're counting on you to place in the first meet.” James glanced through
the window to the pool that lay beyond. “Pool's empty. We can start now.”

Without waiting for a response from Kurt, he pushed through the door that led into the next room

and hopped into the shallow end of the pool. Kurt followed slowly, relief easing some of the tension in
his shoulders and back. After slipping into the water, he turned to face James, clutching the edge of the
pool as he kicked to warm up his muscles.

James was shorter than Kurt by several inches, but years more swimming experience and time in

the gym had given him a slightly more muscular physique, enabling him to push himself through the
water in an effortless way Kurt envied. As Kurt reacclimated to the water, James took the opportunity
to float on his back and paddle a few yards away. He motioned for Kurt to join him.

“I've been watching you for a little while now and I think I know what the problem is,” James said.
Kurt frowned. I'm hopeless?
James crossed his arms over his chest and eyed Kurt as if he could read his mind. The reflection of

the light from the water gave his aquamarine eyes a soft blue glow, but his stern expression hinted he
would have little tolerance for Kurt's self-defeating attitude. Kurt smiled, hoping to soften the glare.

“You're tensing up just before you go into turns, which slows you down too much. Also, you're

holding your hands at the wrong angle, when you should be arching your wrists like this,” James said,
using his hands to demonstrate. “Actually, the next part would be better with a demonstration. Float on
your back.”

“Are you serious?” Kurt asked.
“If you'd like to stay on the team, it would be in your best interest to take this seriously,” James

responded.

Kurt sighed, then closed his eyes before falling back to float in the pool. He started when one of

James's hands moved to cover his stomach and opened his eyes.

“Your energy should be focused here,” James said. He moved his hand down, until it grazed the top

of Kurt's black swim trunks. “The only part of your body that should tense before you turn is the
muscles here, when you take a breath.”

He held Kurt on the surface of the water, one hand at the small of his back, the other flat on his

stomach as he described the best way to move his arms through the water. For his part, Kurt barely
heard anything James said because his focus was centered on the other man's hands touching him. It
was impersonal, downright clinical if Kurt was to be honest, but there was something to the way James
held him that felt strangely intimate, as if every light touch on his body sent a small message to Kurt's

mind that whispered all manner of confidences, none of which came close to the professional distance
the team captain was displaying as he spoke.

In short, Kurt was beginning to lose his mind. Pushing James's hands away, he stood and took a few

shaky steps back. James took no notice of his behavior as he continued his lecture.

“The other issue I've noticed is with your turns. You've got this strange way of going into the

dolphin kick.” James's hand slid to the small of Kurt's back. “I think you're loosening up too much
here, which makes your bottom half drop as you come out of the turn and then you lose speed. What
you need to do is tighten up here,” he moved his other hand in a circle over Kurt's stomach, “and here
during the turn and hold it until you're back in position, with your legs tight. I'll show you.” He released
Kurt, who then breathed a sigh of relief before taking another step back. He watched James swim with
the awe he always felt in watching someone more talented display his skill. “Ready to try it again?”
James asked after he emerged from the water.

Kurt nodded then attempted to follow what James had told him when he'd been too distracted to

give the explanation his full attention. At James's disapproving frown, Kurt swore under his breath.

“I'm not going to get it, am I?” He rolled his eyes. “You should give up on me now.”
“You're too impatient. It would be nice if you'd just relax and follow instructions,” James said. “I

learned that during my first swimming lesson.”

Kurt issued a short bark of laughter. The sound was high and brittle to his ears. “When was that?

When you were two? You swim like you were born in water.”

“Four. And my mother was scared of the idea of water birth.” James waded away from the edge of

the pool. “You're a strong swimmer, you just lock up at the wrong moment and don't use your muscles
and height to your advantage.” He paused and seemed to consider before he went on. “And as much as
I'd like to, I can't make you believe you can do this. It's not as hard as you're making it. Is something
else going on?”

Kurt frowned and looked down, just making out the blurry outline of his feet in the water. He

thought of all the things he couldn't bring himself to talk about. The letter he'd left on the table at home.
The tearful call from his mother asking if his sudden decision to be gay was a sick joke. His father
snatching the phone and threatening to disown him if he didn't get some help. The silence from his best
friends before he finally gave up waiting for a response to his emails. No, nothing was going on.
Nothing he could discuss with a relative stranger.

“No,” Kurt said finally. He pressed his lips together and crossed his arms over his chest. He needed

to get out of the water. He was cold all over.

James nodded. “Fair enough.” He paused, moved as if to touch Kurt's shoulder, then returned his

arm to the water at his side. “Whatever the reason, I can tell you're not focused. And if I can tell, Coach
Davis has known for a while and won't let it slide for much longer.” He paused and searched Kurt's
face.

Kurt avoided his eyes, all at once feeling short of breath and naked, as if James's scrutiny could

force him to confess his darkest sins and confront the demons who'd stolen his peace of mind. It would
be so easy to confide in him, this stranger who was in no position to judge. But as much as Kurt wanted
to find one person who could listen and understand, what he wanted more was to take back the last few
weeks of his life and find a way to cocoon the wounded part of himself from being hurt again. It was a
child's wishful thinking, but there it was. He wanted to turn back time and make his parents love him
again. He wanted to pretend his confession had been a nightmare that ended before his parents returned
home from seeing him off to school. He wanted to be a son they could love, if it meant he didn't have to
be alone in the world.

He looked back at James and nodded to show he understood the warning.
James studied him for a few more moments before he said, “All right. Try it a few more times and

I'll let you go.” He stood back and watched Kurt try the turn and kick several more times before waving
his teammate out of the water. “That's enough. Hit the showers.”

Enough as in I'm done for today or done altogether? Kurt followed in silence, nerves twisting his

stomach into knots. He grabbed his towel and toiletries from his locker and debated if it would be
appropriate to ask for an evaluation while they were in the shower.

When James walked into the shower, he chose one near the far wall. Kurt stayed as close to the

door as possible. A tense silence had fallen between them and Kurt drew the inevitable conclusion.
After his performance, James couldn't stand to look at him. He'd been swimming as if he'd just stopped
using his floaties and they both knew it. Now, with his apparent inability to take on even the smallest
lesson, Kurt felt sure it was only a matter of how, not if, James would break the news to him.

It was just as well. Failing at this would just be another step in what his father had called his

descent into hell. Another would be the way he found his eyes drawn to James. Through the steam in
the shower, he could just made out the outline of the other man's shoulders and legs, and the delicious
stretch of skin between. It only took a few seconds of imagining helping James wash his back before
Kurt was fighting down his erection, hoping James wouldn't turn on his way out of the shower area and
notice his teammate about to come all over himself like a twelve-year-old after his first wet dream.

Kurt had to watch himself when they returned to the locker room to dress, as well. He'd refrained

from the temptation before, but somehow he knew with only the two of them in the room, he'd never be
able to resist looking at the other man naked. That was the last thing he needed. James was sharp
enough to notice his attention, and in a position to get rid of the team's weak link, if he needed another
excuse. Kurt managed to keep his eyes averted as they both exited the shower area, but he had to force
himself to look into James's eyes rather than stare at his chest when they stopped at their lockers. James
turned to unzip his gym bag and Kurt let his eyes drop to watch the fall of water down his back and the
play of smooth, hard muscles as he pulled out his clothes.

“What do you think about what we did today?” James asked. He glanced over his shoulder. “Do

you think it helped you?”

Kurt snorted. “I can't believe you have to give me swimming lessons to keep me on the team.”
“Stop that,” James said. “They're not lessons, you just need help with technique. And confidence,

apparently. Think about what we went over. If you have spare time, I want you to practice when you
can.” He crossed the distance between them and lifted a hand to Kurt's shoulder. “You need to work on
easing the tension here,” his hand dropped to Kurt's abdomen, just below his ribcage, “and tightening
up the muscles here.” He let his fingers slide down, lingering at Kurt's waist before he pulled away.

When Kurt looked up then, there was a look of feral hunger in James's eyes so intense he stumbled.

Back against the cool locker, he squeezed the towel at his waist just to have something to do with his
hands. He must not, no matter what his fevered imaginings were telling him, return that lingering
touch.

James licked his lips. “What are you doing tomorrow night?”
Oh, God. What is this? He couldn't be...no.
Kurt took a breath to steady himself. “I'm...not sure. What do you have in mind?”
James took off his towel and turned towards his locker. “Nothing too late. The pool closes at ten, so

I was thinking if we meet at quarter to eight, we can get in a couple of hours before they kick us out.”

Kurt nodded and, realizing James couldn't see him, said, “Yes.” His voice cracked and he cleared

his throat. “If you've got something better to do, I can always practice on my own.”

James turned back halfway and smiled. “It's fine. I'd do it for anyone.”
Right. Anyone. So this is all in my imagination. Good. Great.
When James looked away again, Kurt chanced another look down. Smooth skin, hard muscles and

soft-to-the-touch hair held his eyes for far longer than he should have allowed. James half-turned again
and Kurt's mouth went dry. Obviously, the hot shower had done something to revive James after the
cool swim. When he looked up again, James was watching him, his eyebrows raised in question. Kurt
turned away, blushing. He got dressed as quickly as he could manage—it was a miracle he was able to
dress without snagging anything crucial on the zipper of his jeans—and walked quickly from the locker

room.

A few minutes later, James heard the locker room door open and shut. He was just about to say

something off-color—perhaps ask if Kurt hadn't gotten a thorough look the first time—when he
glanced past his locker door.

“How did he respond to the offer?”
James closed his locker before turning to face their coach. “He was fine with it. We're going to take

the last two hours in the pool tomorrow to work out the rest of the kinks.”

“That's great, son,” Coach Anton Davis said, reaching out to pat James on the shoulder. “I'm

counting on you to help give him that little edge he needs.”

“You were right,” James said as he slung his bag over his shoulder. “He has next to no confidence

in himself. I'm surprised he went through with the tryouts. Are you sure I'm the right person to
encourage him?”

The coach pushed open the door to the locker room and held it open so James could precede him

outside. “Of course you are. I think he'll respond better to working with someone closer to his age. Just
needs a little guidance and he'll be on track. He reminds me of you at that age.” Coach Davis said.

That was where things really got murky. He'd been a confused kid, struggling to come to terms with

his sexuality as much as he struggled with the attention he got becoming the swim and dive team's new
star attraction. He'd benefited from the singular attention from his coach as much as the willing ear
when the pressure got to be too much for him. He wondered how much the coach knew or had guessed
about Kurt Dennings and if that was why he'd asked James to step in. Wondered, but didn't dare ask.
That was a level of pressure neither he nor Kurt needed.

“You'll be fine,” Coach Davis continued. “I trusted you to lead the team last year and I haven't been

disappointed.”

And he wouldn't be now, James heard the coach's voice finish in his head.

###

When Kurt entered the locker room the next day, James was just slipping into his snug black swim

trunks. Seeing the younger man blush, he was tempted to slip out of them again, just to see what kind
of reaction the movement would provoke. Instead, he waited for Kurt to put his bag down on the bench
and stepped up to him.

This close, he was able to watch the quick play of emotions in the dark brown eyes before Kurt's

gaze dropped from his. The smattering of freckles across his nose faded beneath a light blush. Kurt
fumbled through his bag before he pulled out his black trunks and moved to take his t-shirt off.

“I thought about you a lot last night.”
James smirked at the little choking sound Kurt made. He lowered his t-shirt, struggling to untangle

his arms from the fabric. “I'm sorry?”

“Maybe I was a little hard on you.”
“I don't mind,” Kurt blurted. His blush darkened.
James fought down a smile. This was going to be fun. “No, you deserve your place on this team and

I don't want to add to any pressure you may be feeling,” he said. “Today, we're going to run through a
few more techniques that'll help with your speed and, if you work with me, you'll get off easy. I'll do
anything I can to get you exactly where I need you.”

If James had thought Kurt was oblivious to him, the brief look of longing before he turned away

was enough to change his mind. Kurt fumbled with the button on his jeans and James had to force
himself not to offer his help with the task. He had to test the waters slowly or this could all blow up in
his face. He didn't want to risk it.

“So, that's it from my end. No pressure today. Just do what feels natural and the rest will work itself

out.” James put his hand on Kurt's neck, just above his shoulder. “Ready to practice?”

“I...y-yeah.” James squeezed lightly and Kurt squirmed.
Grinning, he pulled his hand back. “You all right?”
Kurt stumbled back, colliding with the open locker door. “I'm good. Just...” He grabbed the towel

from his bag and held it bunched in front of his waist. “I'll meet you out there.”

###

God, that boy was beautiful when he blushed. No, he isn't a boy. He isn't far past that time in his

life, but there is definitely a man behind the translucent skin and wide brown eyes that filled with
wonder when he looked at James.

And if looks had the power to become reality, James knew the way he'd been searching Kurt's open

gaze for answers would've ended with them on the floor of the locker room, bodies joined until the
tension between them became the sweet surrender of release. Kurt's own searching look would have
had a less definite conclusion. There'd been confusion there. Awareness. And in that, James thought, a
small glimmer of hope.

He would build his newfound hope from that awareness. In the flare of Kurt's nostrils and the way

his breath had caught when James dared to touch him. He ought to chastise himself for that. After
seeing that blush and hearing the stammer Kurt had barely kept at bay, he couldn't help connecting to
him with the tentative, exploring touch of one who needed to know how far he could get. Kurt had been
startled, but when they'd locked eyes, awareness took the place of confusion. James knew what he'd
been seeing. The kind of invitation that couldn't be mistaken for a friendly offer of help no matter how
innocent one was. The kind of want James hadn't experienced in a long while and wanted to explore.
The vulnerable, naked need shone from James's eyes until he had to force himself not to give it voice,
instead turning away, giving the shy boy time to recover.

And, more importantly, time to decide what he wanted. For that matter, James needed to do the

same. The time had come to determine if he wanted more than a few instances of light flirtation or if he
would pursue something more.

“Today was better, right?” He glanced at Kurt over his shoulder as they dressed. This time, when he

spoke, Kurt didn't jump out of his skin. James made a mental note to not get touchy-feely again unless
he seemed responsive it.

“I think we made some progress,” Kurt said. “I'm still embarrassed we have to do this at all.”
“Don't be. You're the only new member of the team this year, otherwise I'd be working with a group

of you,” James stated. “There's nothing to be embarrassed about.” He turned to face Kurt and watched
as he zipped up his jeans. Their eyes met and Kurt blushed, stopping his movements as James watched
him.

“Hey, about earlier,” James began. He crossed the short space between them and stood until they

were scarcely a foot apart. “I tend to be kind of hands-on about things, but I know it makes some
people uncomfortable.” He moved a little closer. “Does it bother you?” James asked, his voice soft.
“When I touch you.”

“Yes.” A pause. “No. I'm ticklish,” Kurt admitted finally.
“Oh, so that's the only reason you jump when I do this,” he said, reaching to trail his fingers around

the bottom of Kurt's ribcage. His skin was soft and warm to the touch from the shower. Kurt jumped to
one side, his breath catching. “Or maybe this.” James moved his other hand, coming up to stroke the
side of Kurt's neck. He jerked to the other side, stopped by James's arm at his waist. “Or...is there
another reason?”

“Look, I don't know what you think—”
“I think you're gorgeous,” James said. “And in spite of my not-so-subtle approach, I honestly

believe you have no idea how sexy you are.” He licked his lips and leaned closer. “And I know you're
attracted to me too. You shouldn't be afraid to do something about it.”

“I'm not,” Kurt blurted.
“Good to know,” James whispered before covering Kurt's lips with his. His thumb stroked down

Kurt's cheek as he moved, teasing at first, and then more insistent as Kurt parted his lips in response.
Their tongues brushed and Kurt moaned into his mouth. Reluctantly, James pulled away. His fingers
traced the edge of one delicate cheekbone before he pulled his hand to his side.

Restraint. An overrated trait, but desperately needed. James knew he'd had a lot of it at some point

and lost the majority sometime between seeing Kurt again today and realizing he'd do damn near
anything to hear him moan again. There was something particular he had in mind that involved his
tongue and a certain ticklish guy's spine. That, he suspected, would have to come much later in the
game. James had forced himself to end the kiss before it got out of hand, but he didn't trust himself
alone with Kurt longer than he had to be. They had to get out of this room before he gave in to
temptation again.

“Have dinner with me. I know this place nearby that has great pizza.” James reached for Kurt again

before catching himself. He smiled and moved back a step, hands in the air in a gesture of surrender.
“Lots of lighting and noise and people. I'll be sure to keep my hands to myself.”

Kurt laughed in response, but James didn't miss the way he relaxed against the locker behind him.

“I believe that as much as I believe I'm going to break an Olympic record at the meet.”

James put a hand to his chest and groaned, feigning hurt at the comment. “Am I really coming on

that strong? Seriously, I don't mean to run over you like a freight train. I just want to spend some time
with you, with our clothes on in a crowded public place. We can talk. I promise to keep my hands
above the table and my eyes on your face and the food. Deal? I'll do whatever I need to to make it
worth your while.”

When Kurt blushed again, James handed him his shirt and picked up both their gym bags. “My car's

on 14th. I'll meet you outside.”

###

When they stepped into Striker's, Kurt found himself relaxing a bit more. James hadn't been lying

when he'd said the sports bar would be noisy and crowded. Hardly the kind of place he could expect to
be groped under the table. Football games blared from large flat-screen TVs around the bar. Every few
seconds, the air was filled with shouts, cheers and groans from fans as the teams executed plays.
Several harried waitresses bustled between the tables with trays heavy with platters of food and drinks.
James motioned to one of the waitresses as she made to pass them.

“Julie! Table?” James shouted.
“In the back!”
Kurt barely heard the waitress's shout as a series of cheers went up in the bar. She gestured to a far

booth, set in a corner invisible from the door. James nodded. He grabbed Kurt's hand and dragged him
to the booth. They sat across from a couple of men who made Kurt do a double take. The men were
kissing and touching, oblivious to the chaos around them. Two untouched drinks were on the table.
Kurt moved into the center of the booth, unable to take his eyes from the couple. He thought he knew
the one with dark hair and wandering hands. He looked over at James and pointed.

“Isn't that...?”
“Carlos Valendez,” James confirmed. He chuckled and leaned back in his seat. “For someone who's

not officially out, he should give a thought to letting Michael come up for air when they're in public.”

“Nobody knows he's gay?”
James shrugged. “He's not exactly shy about it with friends at NYU, but none of the interviews I've

seen or read has mentioned it. You know ESPN wouldn't just let something like a pro athlete coming
out slide during a Q&A.”

Kurt nodded. If he remembered correctly, when the boxer had been interviewed by a magazine

before his most recent fight, he made a point of deftly skirting around the issue of personal
relationships by claiming to focus solely on training and completing his final year of school. He'd
thought nothing of it at the time, but maybe that was what professional athletes did when they knew
their sexuality threatened their careers but didn't want to lie. There was probably evidence of it
everywhere if one knew how to read between the lines.

“He probably figures no one here will recognize him,” Kurt said.
“Maybe,” James said, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. “He's so sappy over his boyfriend, I don't

think he cares if someone outs him.”

“I don't think I could be that casual about it.”
James frowned. “Is that what's been bothering you? You're distracted because you're afraid of being

outed?”

Kurt shook his head. “I did that to myself a few weeks ago.” Before he could say anything further, a

waitress came to their table to take their order. She was back with their drinks before Kurt looked up to
find James watching him.

“Whatever happened, you can tell me,” James said. “For obvious reasons, I'd understand better than

most people.”

Kurt nodded and took a sip of his soda. “I wrote a letter to come out to my parents a few weeks ago.

I'd fixed it so they wouldn't find it until I was here.” A smart move, considering that his father would
probably have sent him to an asylum before he happily packed off his gay son to start a new life in
another state. He'd be miserable back in Philly instead of in New York, wondering if his parents would
ever speak to him again.

“They um...didn't react well. My mom eventually stopped emailing me and my dad...” Kurt sighed.

“He's pretty much written me off as a nut job. I wrote to a couple of my friends to ask them for help. I
mean, they've known my parents most of their lives so they could explain that I'm still the same guy,
right?” He shrugged and began toying with the straw in his glass. “It's been three weeks and I haven't
heard back from either of them. So much for what the truth can do. It doesn't feel like freedom or a
weight lifted off, it feels like I threw away everyone who mattered to me.”

“I'm sorry about your family, but that's bullshit,” James said. “Look, I don't know any of these

people, but if they can't accept you for who you are, fuck 'em. You didn't throw them away, they're
losing out on you.” He picked up his soda and took a long gulp. “I know that's easy for me to say, but
I've been there and the truth is, if they don't at least try to meet you halfway, you're wasting your energy
worrying if they still care about you. The ones who do will try to understand. They'll support you. It
might take weeks or months or years, but the people who want to be there for you will be. In the
meantime, you've got to live your life. Don't stress yourself out about them. Find new friends. Build a
new family. It's harsh, but sometimes that's the way it is.”

Kurt closed his eyes, his lips pressed into a thin line. He'd gotten past the tears their rejection

inspired after his first week at school, but hearing James tell him to write off his parents as a lost cause
brought on a different level of despair. It hurt to hear they might never come around, because it spoke
to a truth he'd been denying in some part of himself when he'd gotten his mother's last message.

“You're right,” Kurt said after a long moment. “That was easy for you to say. I can't just...move on.”
“I'm sorry if that hurt you to hear, but I wasted a lot of my time trying to be something I wasn't

because I thought I wouldn't be worthy of someone's love if I didn't live up to their expectations. That
shit's exhausting. Save yourself the worry and just do what makes you happy.”

“Like you?” A grin fought its way onto his face and Kurt blushed. “I mean, like you did.”
“Yeah,” James responded. “That's what I'm trying to do.” He scooted over on the booth seat, until

they were sitting thigh to thigh.

“I thought you said you aren't going to touch me.”
Grinning, James leaned until he was close enough to whisper, “I said I wouldn't use my hands.

There are all kinds of things I can do with other body parts. Let me know when you're ready to find out

how creative I am.”

Kurt pressed his lips together to keep himself from responding. He was pretty sure if James had his

way, they'd be making out in the booth like the boxer and his boyfriend. With the way he came apart
after their first kiss, Kurt wasn't sure he'd be fighting James off past a token protest. They'd end up
getting kicked out of the bar for public indecency.

As if hearing a cue, James dropped his hand to Kurt's thigh under the table and squeezed. He licked

his lips as he held Kurt's gaze. James let his hand drift up a little, testing the waters, before bringing it
up and wrapping both hands around his glass.

“When did you know?” James asked.
Know what? Kurt thought. That if you touch me again, I'm going to come in my shorts? About

thirty seconds ago.

“When did you know you were gay?”
“I never thought about being anything else,” Kurt said. He studied James's face, the quick back and

forth of his eyes, the lines etching one side of his mouth as he digested this information.

“So you...never tried being with a girl?” Kurt shook his head. James gave a short, mirthless laugh.

“I guess I'm the only one silly enough to think I would be less confused if I could make myself want
women.” He refocused on Kurt, his eyes darkening until they were almost completely green. “It's the
opposite with you. I've been trying to force myself to stay away and I can't. Not when you look at me
like you want this as much as I do.”

“Trying to force yourself? You barely know me,” Kurt said.
James looked down at his drink again, a small smile curving his mouth. “I first noticed you during

tryouts,” he said. “You were far and away the best there and it blew me away. And, after school started,
the more I saw you, the more I thought about how I could approach you. You never really talk to
anyone else, so I didn't know if you even wanted to be friends with any of us. I thought sure you'd turn
me down, but something about you made me want to get to know you.” He looked up from beneath his
lashes. “Coach Davis just gave me a good excuse.”

“You needed my inferior technique as an excuse to talk to me?” Kurt grinned. That brash and cocky

James Theard needed an excuse to do anything where he was concerned was flattering, as was the
blush that spread across his cheeks as he confessed.

“I needed a topic to focus on so I wouldn't babble on like a horny idiot and then grope you because

I can't help myself.” He smiled. “I think we know how I'm doing on both counts.”

Kurt tossed his head back, a full-bodied laugh rocking his chest. Julie came to the table with their

pizza and two plates, tossing a wink at Kurt before going to check on the next table.

“See,” James said. He nodded in the waitress's direction. “You're irresistible.”
“Ah, but you'll have to try,” Kurt said, picking up a plate. “I won't have the energy to guard my

virtue around you while I'm pursuing this life of bliss.”

“Well, that's the good thing about me,” James said. “I'm a part of the bliss package.”

###

Kurt had long since given up pushing James's hands away from his ass and instead chose to focus

on the way the other man's lips and tongue felt against the sensitive skin just behind his ear. When
they'd left the bar, Kurt had let James walk him up to his dorm room and had been both worried and
relieved that his roommate was nowhere in sight. Following a shy smile from Kurt, James had let
himself off the leash. Kurt had responded with enthusiasm, but was debating if letting James touch him
this way was making him appear too easy. As if either of them cared about that.

“You're so hot,” James whispered. He moved back to Kurt's mouth and traced his tongue over his

lips before kissing him again. “I need to go while I still can.”

Kurt heard himself whisper, “No.” Yeah, he was definitely headed into slut territory. First date and

he was ready to rip his clothes off and beg.

James chuckled under his breath and pulled back, catching and holding Kurt's gaze. “Can we do

this again sometime?”

He waited a few seconds for a nod before kissing him again, not stopping until Kurt clutched at his

hair, moaning in the back of his throat as James ground their bodies together against the door. “I'd say
that qualifies as a 'hell yes',” James whispered. He reached for the door, then stopped, leaning up. “One
more for the road,” he said before joining their mouths again.

The door moved, pushing against Kurt's shoulder, and they both stumbled. James swore. There was

no way his roommate wouldn't be able to figure out what was going on, with the two of them
practically on top of one another and sporting enough wood to build a ten foot bonfire. Wordlessly,
Kurt pushed him back with one hand.

“Sorry, Al. Didn't realize you'd be coming back so soon,” Kurt said, stepping back to let his

roommate in. The short Indian boy looked back and forth between the two before rolling his eyes and
entering the room.

Glancing at Kurt's roommate, James shoved his hands into his pockets and moved to stand in the

doorway. “Uh...so, I'll see you Monday at practice,” James said. He smiled, his eyes promising they'd
pick up where they left off as soon as he could get Kurt alone again. Kurt nodded and closed the door
as he left.

Kurt sighed and flopped onto his bed, ignoring the mocking smile on Al's face. He knew one thing

for sure. The next time they were alone, it would take a hell of a lot more than a badly timed return
from his roommate to keep him from giving in to James.

###

“I'm sorry.”
It took Kurt a long moment to process the whisper and several more to realize he didn't understand

the meaning behind it. He turned to face James. The rest of the team had left the locker room and were
in the pool doing warm-up exercises. Kurt had stayed at his locker, putting away his clothes as slowly
as possible, in case they had a chance to sneak in a kiss before practice. It made him feel like the horny
kids who used to sneak behind the gym at his high school, but he didn't care as long as James was
willing. What he hadn't expected was an apology and James's somber expression as he waited for a
response.

“What are you sorry for?” Kurt asked. He pushed the door to his locker closed. For a long moment,

he wondered if James was sorry for taking him out, attempting to get him to come out of his shell. He
quickly dismissed the idea. James had known what he was signing up for and Kurt had more than made
up for his initial reluctance when they were alone in his dorm room.

“You sorry for feeling me up in the bar or leaving a hickey my roommate has been teasing me about

for days?” He punctuated this with a smile, hoping the gesture would get James to relax.

James sighed. “I was an idiot the other night. You have every right to be worried about how people

react to your coming out, especially your parents. I was dismissive.” He leaned back, a hand in his hair
making the strands stand up at odd angles. “I guess I thought I could spare you a lot of frustration,
waiting for them to come around. I waited for what seems like forever...and it never came. I spent
spring break and summer vacation after my freshman year bunking with one friend or another because I
knew I couldn't go home.” He cleared his throat and blinked hard. Kurt felt a strong urge to reach out
and give him a hug, but held himself in check. James already looked like he was ready to bolt or burst
into tears and he didn't want to make it worse.

“I just wanted you to know I've been where you are and it hurts like hell,” James said. “Your family

isn't mine. They could come around, but if they don't, you'll survive. I was lucky enough to find a few
people here to support me. If you need it, I can be that person for you. I know it can't make up for your

parents, but I can introduce you to people to talk to, or be here for whatever you need. Just let me
know.” He cleared his throat again. “I'll see you in the pool.”

Before Kurt could respond, James walked out, shoulders stiff. Kurt took a few steadying breaths

before joining the rest of the team at the pool, intent on using the next few hours to forget.

###

“So, let me get this straight,” Kurt began. “You blew up half the science lab, got the school shut

down for two days and they gave you a medal?”

James nodded, laughter stealing his voice for a moment. “Oh, you haven't heard the best part. The

mayor presented the medal himself. Said it was for bravery in the face of uncertain trials or some other
crap. My chem teacher had no choice but to give me an A. He wrote on my report card that my project
was an imaginative use of unstable chemicals and he hoped I never took another science class.”

“I think we're in agreement on that one,” Kurt said. “I'm kind of afraid of what you can do.”
“Mm, we both know that's not true.” James hooked an arm around his waist and pulled him close.

He leaned up for a kiss. As their eyes locked, the other people in the park became wallpaper who didn't
register as important enough to hide from, not when James looked at him that way. Kurt sighed and
their lips met. As always, the slightest touch from James was enough to make his toes curl and a moan
build from deep in his chest. Today, he was pulling out all the tricks, stroking Kurt's hair and rubbing
the sensitive spot at the small of his back until he was leaning down into the slow, sweet touch of
James's soft lips.

“You really have to stop doing this.” Kurt licked his lips and looked around. There were a few

people running around that area of Washington Square park in the last moments before sunset. None
seemed to be watching them, but Kurt couldn't shake the feeling that there was something off about the
way James touched him in public. Not that he didn't enjoy it, but he couldn't make himself forget there
were other people around for more than a few moments. Nor could he erase the paranoia of what those
people might think, how their judging could become something hateful, words or an uglier display of
ignorance.

“I have to stop kissing you?” James asked. “Why? It's so much fun.” He joined their lips again

briefly, teasing, before pulling away. He repeated the motion until he earned a smile from Kurt. “If it's
the public part that's bothering you, my apartment building's right over there,” he said, gesturing to a
large building across the street from the park.

Kurt's smile widened and he took a step back. “Wow. Three dates and you're already trying to get

me back to your place.”

“Four. And I thought you'd find it more comfortable than jumping every time someone walks past

your door.” James grabbed Kurt's hand and pulled him closer. “It wouldn't hurt to have a little privacy. I
want to be closer to you. Don't you want that?”

Yes. No. God, they couldn't be alone. Kurt knew he'd forget all pretense of taking it slow and

James...well, he'd probably make every minute worth it. It had been two weeks and each night they
spent together ended with Kurt panting in James's arms and going back to his dorm, hoping no one
could hear him beating off in the shower. He knew they had to do something about the tension
simmering between them soon, but it all seemed like too much, too fast. He wanted James, but he also
wanted to feel like it was about more than just getting off.

“Okay, you're the one who needs to stop,” James said. “You can't keep doing that. You have to talk

to me. Tell me what you want, how you feel. I feel like I...” He took a step back and swore. “Forget it.”

“What? No, wait. Tell me,” Kurt said. “You feel like what?”
“Like I'm the only one here right now.” He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “I know

you're attracted to me, but I thought we were building more than that.”

“We are.”

“Are we?” James asked. “For me, a natural part of building a relationship is getting closer, in every

way. It's obvious you want me, so I can't think of why you won't...” He paused, eyes narrowed. As if
reading his thoughts, Kurt felt a bloom of heat in both cheeks.

“I don't know why I didn't think of this before,” James began, voice soft. “Are you a virgin?”
“What? No, I—no.” His flush deepened and he looked away. The first time had been quick and

painful and the second time, with someone older and wiser, was less painful, but still hurried as
Richard hadn't wanted to “waste time with some inexperienced kid.” It had been over a year since Kurt
had let anyone get close and he hadn't expected to want to change that anytime soon. But here, now, as
always, he felt the charge between them. He could deny it, of course. But the longer James watched
him, expectant, the more he knew he had to be honest.

“There have been a couple of guys,” Kurt said softly. “I wasn't really...it didn't work the way I

expected.”

“They didn't know what they were doing,” James supplied.
“No, it was probably me. I was scared and didn't know stupid little things like how much it was

going to hurt or...how fast I could be dumped after,” he whispered.

James swore under his breath.
“It was bad, and I'm pretty sure I'll still be bad because...” He stopped and took a deep breath. This

next would be mortifying, but hardly the worst thing he could confess. “I'm still a little scared of—of
how much it hurt and—” If you'll disappear after you get what you want. If I can deal with you making
me laugh and dream about you and feeling safe in your arms if you're going to kick me out of your life
as soon as the deed's done.

“I know that you want to fuck me,” Kurt said, looking up again. “I just don't think I'm ready for it.”
James shook his head slowly and stood closer, until he could feel the movement of Kurt's chest

against his torso as he breathed. “Look at me.” He waited until Kurt looked down into his eyes, his own
shiny with emotion. “That word doesn't describe what I want to do with you. I want to touch you in a
way that will make you sigh instead of laugh.” His hands slipped to either side of Kurt's waist. “I want
you to trust me. I want to be inside you every way I can, until you never want me to leave. And I don't
want you to have any regrets,” he whispered, just before brushing their lips together. Kurt leaned down
into the kiss, his breath catching when James squeezed him tight.

“If that's not what you want,” James whispered against Kurt's lips. “You'll have to tell me now,

when I know I can stop myself from wanting you. We can be friends. But if you say yes,” he continued,
“I can be good for you and you can pretend those other times never happened. In the meantime, when
we're alone I'll stop whenever you need me to. You don't have to be afraid to come to my apartment.”
His wrapped Kurt's fingers in his. “Now, do you want to go back to my place for a little while?”

At the end of that night, Kurt dreamt about more than the rough squeeze of James's hands over his

jeans. He dreamt of the warmth of his tongue and a sharp bite from his teeth in sensitive places. He
dreamt of taking it further, a thought that held more of the sharp edges of delicious reality than any
previous fantasy. Finally, he'd dreamt of feeling James's arms around him as he slept, feeling at once
safe and needed, as if every worry could be erased if the right person cared for him.

###

“Either you've got serious skin issues, or you're the luckiest bastard I know.”
Kurt looked up from where he'd been doodling in his notebook. Doodling. Like a ten-year-old girl

with a crush. What he felt for James was so much more than that, but he still hadn't gotten over that
giggly, stomach-wooshing feeling he felt every time James flirted with him or pulled him close. Kurt
hoped he never lost the spark of happiness he felt every time they were together. If their relationship
held, that feeling would be worth all the negative attention people could dish out.

His classmate Tyler George stared at him through a curtain of stringy blonde hair. He gestured in

the general direction of Kurt's neck. “So, out with it. Hickies or a contagious recurring rash?”

“How about none of your business with a side of get a life?”
Kurt grinned. Melissa Jordan had adopted him his first week of class, but he'd been too distracted to

listen to the babbling from his new sidekick before and after their Comparative Literature class. The
past few weeks, he'd begun responding to her attempts at conversation. Kurt knew without a doubt she
was the kind of person he could grow to love, for her fierce protective streak and sense of humor, if for
nothing else. Tyler, on the other hand, had barely said two words to Kurt in the two months they'd been
side-by-side in the back of the room. He'd been starting to wonder if the kid had something against
him.

“Hickies,” Kurt said. He closed his spiral notebook quickly. He might be all right with admitting to

James sampling his skin like a succulent melon, but he drew the line at anyone possibly seeing the
sketches of his face framing his class notes.

“Man,” Tyler began. “How'd you find a girlfriend so fast? I've been to a different party every week

and none of the girls want to hook up with a freshman.”

“It's because you're not mature enough,” Melissa said. “Not all of you,” she assured Kurt. “Just

some freshman guys.”

“I didn't really go looking for a girl,” Kurt said. “Someone just found me.” He smiled, picturing

how James might laugh at that sentence. They'd taken to playing the evasion card when asked about
their personal lives in public. James wasn't always happy with the denial, but he occasionally found the
creative tact Kurt used a source of amusement. In particular, when Kurt had told a waitress at Striker's
that he had never met a woman who could make him lose control, the sudden gleam of challenge in her
eyes had made James laugh until long after they'd left the sports bar.

Kurt dropped his notebook into his messenger bag and stood. He began following the rest of their

classmates out of the lecture hall. Melissa and Tyler walked behind him, arguing over Tyler's
inappropriate question and Melissa's surety that it most certainly was her business if he was going to
harass a classmate over something personal. Kurt smiled. The two would end up together, more likely
than not. He'd heard enough of Melissa's argumentative banter to tell the difference between real
chastisement and interest. It was the same change in tone that distinguished James's light teasing from
the quiet persistence that broke down Kurt's resistance every time they were together.

As if Kurt's thoughts had conjured his presence, he spotted James coming into the building,

followed by Carlos, the boxer they'd seen on their first date. James saw him a few seconds later and
stopped in mid-sentence, walking to where Kurt stood with his classmates arguing behind him.

“Hey,” he said. “I was sorry to hear you couldn't stay for practice last night.”
Translation: I'm sorry I couldn't keep you in my bed last night. Kurt was sorry as well. He'd been

tempted to stay the whole night, but he couldn't trust himself to spend any more time with James and
not give in. That time would come soon enough, that much was obvious, but he needed more time.

He smiled. “I'll be available tonight if you want to go over techniques again.”
Translation: Suck me off and I'll be yours forever. All right, maybe that wasn't quite the perfect

interpretation of his thoughts, but from James's quick grin, he knew the territory they'd explored the
night before had been a welcome change.

James nodded. “I'll see you tonight, then. Text me when you're ready to go to the pool.” That one

needed no interpretation as James licked his lips and smiled as if he could see Kurt's will melting
before him. Gesturing to Carlos to follow, James continued down the hall.

Kurt heard Carlos say, “Oh, he is cute,” before the two disappeared around the corner and he

realized Melissa was speaking to him. She had to have been going on for a while because she looked
frustrated when she finally got Kurt's attention.

“Was that James Theard?”
Kurt nodded.
“You're friends with him?”

He shrugged. Friends. Not quite the right description for the guy whose name Kurt had called out

when he came. Boyfriend fit a lot better. Not that he would share that information with the talkative girl
at his side. Though, if the look Tyler was giving him was any indication, the way he felt about James
wasn't as much of a secret as he wanted to believe. It wouldn't be hard to interpret his expression when
they were in the same room if one took the time to notice. In a self-conscious gesture, his hand went up
to the mark James had left on his neck the night before. He'd wanted to leave one someplace more
intimate, but promised Kurt he'd save that for when he was ready.

“We're both on the swim team,” he said.
Melissa sighed and clutched Kurt's shoulder. She pulled him close and leaned until her chin was

planted next to his face. “He is so hot,” she said slowly. “What I wouldn't do to get close to him.”

“Nothing you can do,” Kurt said. “You're not his type.”
Melissa pulled back, frowning. “What does that mean?”
“It means he likes dick,” Tyler supplied.
“That's fine,” she said after a moment. “I've got a huge dildo I could use.”
Kurt shook his head. No one could say she wasn't persistent. Silly, but persistent. “If he ever tells

me he's into pegging, I'll let you know.” In the meantime, he would get what he could handle, and enjoy
every minute of it.

###

Kurt held James by both shoulders, forcing him to look into his eyes. He'd never been a sucker for

eyes before, but there was something about the way light shone into Kurt's eyes that turned simple
brown into amber and honey, with the slightest hint of gold when he was aroused. James had been
working on getting him to that state when the younger man had pushed him away, worry filling the
eyes that bore into his.

“Are you sure?”
James sighed. “The swim meet is tomorrow. If I wasn't sure you were ready, I would've told Coach

Davis to put someone else into the relay. Even if I'm wrong about that, he's been watching your
progress too. He believes you're ready. He trusts that I know what I'm talking about.”

“Right.” Kurt nodded. “And you didn't do that because of...other things.”
Because I want you so bad I damn near came in my shorts when I saw you in the Silver Center

earlier and you looked at me like you were ready to go at it right there? No. I'd much rather sleep
alone than lie to get you in my bed.

“Kurt, I don't know how else to tell you,” James said. “I l—” Wow. No. He really will run away if I

go there. “I really like you a lot. I want to be with you, but I'm not going to manipulate you to get to
that point.”

He nodded and came back to James's arms, head resting on his chest. James wondered if they

would always be like this. Kurt, insecure, on the verge of running away at the slightest possibility of
being hurt. James, tiptoeing around him, providing carefully worded comfort instead of the aggressive
come-ons that were natural to him. It would be worth it in the end when Kurt finally learned to trust
him, and himself. When he realized that every person he cared about wouldn't abandon him when
things got rough, if he wasn't perfect. When Kurt could accept the love of another person as his due and
not a well-disguised means to an end.

For his part, James wondered how many patience points one had to have to qualify for sainthood.

As much as he cared for Kurt, and desperately wanted to use a word that was probably too much and
too soon for both of them, he knew the other man could sense his frustration that the physical part of
their relationship wasn't moving more quickly. He'd resigned himself to taking it slow from that first
night, but he hadn't realized how much he'd gotten used to the instant gratification of college dating
until he met someone who made him want to wait. The anticipation was as much a heady elixir as a

frequent frustration, but James consoled himself with the fact that he was building to so much more
than an orgasm and a follow-up call that wouldn't come. He wanted more with this funny, sweet, fragile
man who looked to him like a hero and came apart in his arms. He just hoped he had the strength and
patience to wait as long as necessary.

“Tell me again,” Kurt said. His hand drifted to James's side; the gesture lit a fire low in his stomach.
James lifted a hand and combed it through Kurt's hair. “You're ready.”
“No, the other thing.”
I need you. Please say yes.
“I think you're amazing,” James said. He touched Kurt's chin, turning his face up. “I want you and

no amount of vicious teasing on your part is going to change that.” James nearly groaned at the
responding grin.

“You sure about that?” Kurt's hand slipped to his waist. He skirted his fingers under the edge of

James's shirt, brushing lightly over his skin.

Shit.
“Yes. Now come here.” That last had come out as more of a growl than he'd intended, but James

didn't care. Kurt obeyed immediately, moving up to straddle his lap, his knees sinking deep into the
sofa. Their lips met, slow and coaxing, each soft brush of lips and tongue accompanied by heavy
breathing and rough, wandering hands.

“Touch me,” Kurt whispered. Leaning back, he pulled off his shirt and threw it across the room.

Moments later, James had him pinned to the sofa, arms over his head. James thrust his hips and Kurt
groaned, arching up to welcome the friction against his straining erection. Lips and tongue and teeth
grazed his neck and Kurt stiffened. “Not on my neck again. I'm tired of getting teased about that.”

James laughed long and low; stubble grazed his skin. “Oh, but you're not tired of teasing me?” He

nipped the soft skin, but not hard enough to leave a mark. “I'll be sure to leave any marks in places only
I can see,” he whispered. His mouth lowered to close over one nipple, drawing on the sensitive skin in
his mouth until it was hard and aching before switching to the other and sucking until Kurt was
practically coming off the sofa, one hand clutching James's hair.

James swept lower, his tongue glancing over pecs and abs, down to Kurt's belly button before

resting on the bare skin just above his zipper. As always, he looked up to ask for permission. Kurt's
heavy-lidded gaze watched him; anticipation making him pant as he nodded once. He wiggled to help
James get him out of his jeans and boxers.

One quick thrust of his hips and Kurt was surrounded by wetness and heat, his breath coming in

low gasps, hands pulling at James's hair as he sucked long and hard. James moved to hold his hips in
place and he slowed his motions, shaking off Kurt's hand when he pulled too hard. James loved him
more in these moments, when he was vulnerable and shaking, giving himself over without thought. It
never lasted long enough, the time between the first kiss and the sigh of his name on Kurt's lips, but he
savored every moment.

###

“Stop that.”
Kurt looked up at James's terse whisper. “I'm fine,” he whispered back. He glanced around the

locker room. The rest of their teammates were too busy laughing and joking with one another to pay
attention to their conversation.

James rolled his eyes. “You're not fine, I can see that horrified look in your eyes from here,” he

said. “There's nothing to be nervous about.”

“Right,” Kurt responded. He wanted to roll his eyes right back. He could hear the fans cheering as

the divers completed each round from where he stood. It would only be more nerve-wracking once he
was in the pool. “It's just a televised race and a school rivalry on the line. Nothing at all to be concerned

about here.”

“Seriously, all that rivalry crap is for the alumni and sports casters to argue over. We don't need to

worry about anything. And you don't need any of that extraneous crap in your head. You'll be great.”
James turned to his locker and began undressing, ignoring what he probably knew was another protest.

Frowning, Kurt turned and followed suit, shucking his shirt and jeans quickly. He knew James was

right. It should've been enough to know the coach believed in him as much as he said, though Kurt had
doubted it more than once over the past few weeks. He'd finally started seeing a marked difference in
his practice times, and if Coach Davis was to be believed, it was partly to do with confidence as much
as personalized practice sessions. He knew he had one person to thank for that and he planned on
thanking him to the best of his ability later.

“What is that?”
Kurt cleared his throat and turned. One of his teammates was staring down at his crotch, pointing at

the dark red mark high on his thigh. A little gift from James before their second round the night before,
after which Kurt had all but begged to return the favor, working over James's sensitive skin until he was
drunk with the power of what he could do to him. Heat filled his cheeks.

“Never seen an anaconda, Blake?”
Just like that, James managed to make Kurt's embarrassment worse, his raised voice garnering the

attention of several more team members.

“I meant the thing on his leg,” Blake said, rolling his eyes. “It looks like a...”
“A hickey,” Kurt said.
“I'm sorry, say that again. A little louder,” Blake prompted.
“A hickey,” Kurt shouted.
A chorus of catcalls went up around the room. As a few more stares came his way, Kurt grabbed his

swim trunks and slipped them on quickly.

“Damn, I'd like to meet the girl who did that one. Must have a talented mouth to put her mark on

you like that,” Sam said.

Kurt met James's eyes across the aisle and shrugged. James nodded, his smile widening.
“What can I say?” Kurt began. “If James wants to suck me to sleep, I'd be a fool to turn him down.”
The listening students turned to James, watching for his laughter or anger at the obvious joke.

When he did nothing but smile back at Kurt, his eyes promising more of the same later, the noise of the
group reduced to a few uneasy laughs.

“Well fuck,” Blake said. “Maybe I'll be nicer to you the next time you're drunk.”
“Don't bother,” James responded. “You're not my type.” He turned to wink at Kurt. “I've always

been a size queen.”

Kurt fell against the locker then, laughing until tears rolled down his face. A few of the others

joined him but before long, he found himself alone with James whose grin mirrored his own.

“That was interesting,” James said. He closed his locker and crossed the space between them in a

few quick strides. “How did it feel to out yourself in front of the team?”

“It felt pretty damn good,” he said without thinking. It wasn't a lie. This was like a weight being

lifted. It wasn't as if he and James would make out in the locker room from now on, but Kurt liked not
having to keep such a big secret from people he was starting to see as friends.

“Good,” James said. “I'm glad.” He let his fingers graze down Kurt's cheek before dropping to his

hands and squeezing briefly. “Good luck.”

###

The moment Kurt touched the wall, he felt the change. One moment, he was unremarkable, the only

freshman member of the swim and dive team, the next, he and the other freestyle relay team members
were taking their place at the podium, smiling as they accepted first place honors. It had been close,

less than a second to spare, but they'd pulled it out with Kurt bringing up the last leg to secure the
team's position.

Stepping from the podium, the rest of the world became a blur as James approached him. The other

relay team members exchanged pats on the back with the rest of the swim team, but Kurt had eyes only
for James. He was pulled into a tight hug and closed his eyes as James rocked him back and forth for a
few seconds before releasing him, mindful of the audience attention.

“This is when I get to say I told you so.”
Kurt grinned and lifted the medal on his chest. “Don't get cocky. A few more seconds and I'd be on

my way to breaking one of your records.”

“Oh, I noticed,” James said. “Why do you think we're not practicing alone anymore? Can't have

you outshining me any time soon.”

Kurt laughed and turned, a small movement catching his attention from the audience seating area.

He froze, his throat seeming to close around a lump.

“What is it?” James turned to follow Kurt's gaze across the room.
“The woman talking to Coach Davis. That's my mom,” Kurt said. “I didn't think she'd ever...” He

stopped then as she looked up and caught his gaze. She nodded once at him then glanced at the coach
before walking away, disappearing into the crowd near the entrance.

“What the hell was that?” Kurt's raised voice made several heads turn his way. “She came all this

way and didn't even talk to me?” He felt James's arm around his shoulder and didn't protest as he was
led to the locker room. James pushed him to sit on a bench. “Do you know what that was?” he asked.

“She's trying,” James replied.
“No, she left. That is crap,” Kurt said.
“I know it feels that way, but it's more than my mother ever did,” he responded. He sat next to Kurt.

“Look at it this way, they both said they never wanted to see or hear from you again and yet your
mother drove more than two hours to see you compete today. She was even talking to Coach Davis
about you. So, she didn't talk to you. That doesn't mean you'll never hear from her again. Today was a
first step. You just have to be patient until she's ready to talk.”

“And if that never happens, I'll survive, right?” He saw James nod out of the corner of his eye.

“Thank you,” Kurt said. He turned and gave him a quick kiss. “For everything. You have no idea...”

James nodded before he could think of a way to finish his sentence. “I do.”

###

They'd made it to the bed before James stopped to think. Was this finally it? Could he stop holding

himself back or would this night be the first time he wasn't left frustrated as Kurt walked away? He
groaned as Kurt pulled his shirt off, nearly ripping the garment in his effort. If this wasn't the time, he
had to know, now, before he couldn't stop himself.

“Wait. Slow down,” James said. He pushed Kurt back and scooted up on the bed until his back

rested against the headboard. “What are we doing?”

“I...I thought it was pretty obvious,” Kurt said. “This is what you want, isn't it?”
There. In that moment, the lost man-child he'd first kissed in the locker room looked at him with

wide, hurt eyes, as if expecting that he too would push him to the side if he didn't do everything James
wanted of him. He couldn't do it. Not that way. Not as a validation of Kurt's worth.

“I want you to make love to me because you want to, not because you're upset about your mother

and you want me to make you forget.” Kurt sighed. James ran a hand over his hair. “I get it, but if this
isn't what you want, what you really need from me, it's not what I want for us. Don't do this because
you think I'll push you away otherwise.”

“I don't,” Kurt whispered.
“It's fine, if you're not ready. Really,” James assured him. “Just stay here tonight. Let me put my

arms around you. Who knows? You might learn to trust me.”

“I do,” Kurt said. I trust you in everything, with all of me. “And I don't want you to just hold me

tonight. I...” He pressed his mouth closed, scrambling to think of what words wouldn't be cheesy or
overwrought or just wrong. Instead, he moved into James's arms and leaned down to kiss him, letting
his inhibitions fall away as James responded.

“You sure?”
“Just touch me already!”
James's laugh was smothered as Kurt kissed him again, pushing him back onto the bed. That night,

Kurt learned more than how quickly his boyfriend's touch stole his breath or how easy it was to give up
control with perfect trust. He learned there were many ways to tell someone you love them. His
favorite, so far, was patience.

For more from Sara Winters, visit the author on sarawinters.com, sarawinters.blogspot.com or

facebook.com/sara.winters.