The Anniversary @page { margin-bottom: 5.000000pt; margin-top: 5.000000pt; } 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page i 1 2 The 3 4 5 Anniversary 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page ii 1 2 Also by Amy Gutman 3 4 Equivocal Death 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page iii 1 2 3 THE 4 5 6 7 ANNIVERSARY 8 9 10 11 12 A N o v e l 13 14 15 16 17 AMY 18 19 20 GUTMAN 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 LITTLE, BROWN AND COMPANY 34 Boston New York London S 35 R 36 2nd PASS PAGES Copyright © 2003 by Amy Gutman All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Quotations from A Nietzsche Reader translated by R. J. Hollingdale (Penguin Classics, 1977), copyright © 1977 by R. J. Hollingdale, reprinted by permission. Material from The Seven Sins of Memory: How the Mind Forgets and Remembers by Daniel Schacter, copyright © 2001 by Daniel L. Schacter. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. �śIn the Mood” by Pat McLaughlin, copyright © 1980 Universal �" Songs of Polygram International, Inc., on behalf of Jack Music, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission. 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First eBook Edition: June 2003 ISBN: 0-7595-9833-9 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page v 1 For my family �" again 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page vi 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 1 1 The 2 3 4 AnniversarY 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 2 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 3 1 P R O L O G U E 2 3 4 5 6 Nashville, Tennessee 7 Eleven years ago 8 9 10 As soon as the jury came back, she knew. 11 Faces somber, eyes trained on the floor, they filed back to their 12 seats, these twelve men and women who held his life in their 13 hands. None of them glanced toward the spectators. None of 14 them met his eyes. In her third-row gallery seat, Laura Seton leaned 15 slightly forward. Placing a hand on her throat, she felt a birdlike 16 pulsing flutter. As her fingers traced the delicate bones of her 17 neck, she thought how easy it would be to break them. 18 Judge Gwen Kirkpatrick looked down on the room from her 19 position high on the bench. She had thick, dark hair streaked 20 with gray and a bright red gash of a mouth. A bronze disk hung 21 on the wall above her, the Great Seal of the State of Tennessee. 22 It floated there like a halo, invoking some higher good. Not that 23 Laura believed in that. She believed in very little these days. 24 �śAll right, if the record would reflect that the jury is back in 25 the courtroom after their deliberations.” Judge Kirkpatrick took a 26 sip of water, then turned to the jury box. �śMr. Archer, you are still 27 the foreperson of this jury, is that correct?” 28 �śYes, ma’am.” Archer was a stocky man with blue suspenders 29 and a white moustache, recently retired from thirty years in the 30 insurance industry. 31 �śI understand that you’ve reached a verdict.” 32 �śYes, we have.” 33 Laura glanced at her watch: 10:55 a.m. 34 For the first time since she’d arrived, she allowed herself to S 35 look at him. R 36 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 4 A M Y G U T M A N 1 A dark-haired man in a navy blazer seated beside his lawyer. 2 His face was beautiful in profile. A high, rounded forehead, straight 3 nose, chiseled chin. He gave the impression of being at once both 4 sensitive and strong. While she couldn’t clearly see his expres-5 sion, she easily pictured it. The vaguely ironic smile. Eyebrows 6 slightly raised. As if he were a little bored but trying to be polite. 7 His deep brown eyes would be shining, like stones from a riverbed. 8 He leaned toward his lawyer to say something. She willed him 9 to turn around. 10 Please, Steven, look at me. There’s something you need to know. 11 His back stiffened almost imperceptibly, as if he’d read her 12 thoughts, until a moment later he lapsed into stillness again. 13 She hadn’t planned to be here today, had planned to sleep 14 through it all. She’d gotten as drunk as she could last night before 15 passing out on the floor. But at 4 a.m. she’d snapped awake and 16 stumbled into the bathroom. In the glare of the fluorescent light, 17 she’d looked like she was dying. Haggard face, pallid skin, huge 18 burning eyes. �śI’m only twenty-four,” she’d whispered. �śI’m only 19 twenty-four.” For reasons that now eluded her, this had seemed 20 significant. 21 From the front of the room, the voices pressed on, but Laura 22 barely listened. She forced herself to breathe. She noticed her 23 skirt was too tight. During the past few months she’d gained at 24 least ten pounds, but the effect was oddly soothing. Buried in 25 flesh she felt safer. As if she couldn’t be seen. 26 Memories were flashing through her mind, like a video on fast-27 forward. Lobsters at Jimmy’s Harborside. Camping in the Smoky 28 Mountains. Dancing at 12th & Porter to driving country rock. 29 I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood, I’m in the . . . 30 And then there were the other things. The things she didn’t 31 want to remember. 32 A blood-soaked shirt behind the bed. 33 Bone fragments in the fireplace. 34 Knives. A mask. Rubber gloves. 35 S But always an explanation. 36 R Always an explanation. Until one day, there just wasn’t. 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 5 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śMr. Gage, would you please stand and face the jury?” That 1 was the judge again. 2 Steven Gage got to his feet. He seemed calm and somewhat 3 bemused. Simply going through the motions, as if he were hu-4 moring them. 5 �śMr. Archer, would you read me the verdict as to count one of 6 this indictment.” 7 Archer rubbed a hand over his mouth, then, eyes down, 8 started speaking. �śWe, the jury, unanimously find that the State 9 has proven the following listed statutory aggravating circum-10 stance or circumstances beyond a reasonable doubt . . .” 11 The words rolled on, endless and without meaning. A barrage 12 of neat official language to disguise what was happening. 13 Now, Steven. Look. Now. 14 But his eyes remained on the jury. He didn’t turn around. 15 The sense of déj� vu grew stronger by the moment. It seemed 16 to Laura that they’d done this all just ten days ago. But after the 17 determination of guilt had come a whole new round of proceed-18 ings. They called it the penalty phase. Mitigating factors. Aggra-19 vating factors. All of them brought to light. The testimony had 20 lasted for more than two days, but the jury was back in an hour. 21 Laura’s eyes roamed the gallery, the sea of crowded benches. 22 The elderly man beside her smelled like wintergreen. The fami-23 lies were sitting in the front rows, as they had throughout the 24 trial. Dahlia’s family to the right of the aisle, Steven’s on the left. 25 Dahlia’s parents sat ramrod straight, their teenage son between 26 them. The boy, sullen and slightly sprawled, looked utterly out of 27 place. Across the aisle, Steven’s mother was flanked by two 28 grown sons. A small, plump woman with bottle-blue hair, she’d 29 shrunk down in her seat. Laura had a sense that if her sons 30 weren’t there, she’d slide right onto the floor. 31 A jagged line of pain shot through Laura’s brain. Her mouth 32 was dry as sand. She breathed in hot recycled air, blown from 33 vents in the wall. Dun-colored curtains covered the windows, 34 shutting out the sun. The world had collapsed into this single S 35 place. There was nothing outside this room. R 36 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 6 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Laura felt the words before she heard them, as her heart tore 2 into her chest. 3 �śWe, the jury, unanimously find that the punishment for the 4 defendant, Steven Lee Gage, shall be death.” 5 An instant of absolute silence, and then the whispers began. 6 Laura’s stomach heaved, and she pressed her hands together. It 7 had happened, it had actually happened, and she couldn’t take it 8 in. She’d tried to imagine how it might feel, but she’d never 9 imagined this. An utter absence of feeling, a blankness akin to 10 sleep. Sentenced to death. Sentenced to death. She tried to absorb 11 the meaning. But before the words could fully sink in, something 12 was happening. Up front, a flurry of action. Steven had lunged 13 toward the judge. 14 �śI do not accept this verdict! I do not accept it, do you hear 15 me?” He stood slightly crouched and quivering, glaring at Judge 16 Kirkpatrick. �śI am innocent, and you are the guilty ones, all of 17 you here today. Those responsible for this will pay. Do you hear 18 me? All of you will pay!” 19 A muffled roar in the gallery, as Kirkpatrick pounded her gavel. 20 �śMr. Phillips, control your client!” 21 �śSteven. Please. Calm down.” George Phillips raised a slender 22 hand, but his client didn’t respond. Instead, Gage took another 23 step forward, his eyes burning into the judge. 24 Two court officers were rushing forward, converging around 25 Gage. The first one, well over six foot five, tackled Gage from be-26 hind. He seemed to have gained a hold until Gage bit down on his 27 hand. The injured man stumbled backward, let out an agonized 28 shriek, as his partner, hurling himself toward Gage, wrestled 29 him to the ground. �śNo! Steven. No! Oh God!” Steven’s mother 30 clutched her other sons’ arms as her screams gave way to sobs. 31 Gage fought back from the floor, spitting, writhing, kicking. 32 Everywhere, spectators were jumping up, gawking at the scene. 33 Laura was almost surprised to find she was standing too, craning 34 her neck to watch, to get a better view. Gage’s face was a deep 35 S bright red. Veins pulsed in his forehead. She didn’t want to look, 36 R but she couldn’t turn away. 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 7 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y This is what they saw, she thought. This is what they saw. 1 He’d managed to get to his feet again when one of the bailiffs 2 grabbed him, jammed a knee in his lower back and hurled him 3 against a table. 4 �śJesus Christ, get him! Get him!” That was Tucker Schuyler, 5 Dahlia’s younger brother. He pounded a fist into his palm, his 6 face as red as his hair. 7 Another vicious flailing struggle, and Gage broke free again. 8 He flung himself toward the gallery, his eyes bulging grotesquely. 9 A swirl of movement now, as spectators streamed for the door. 10 The jurors, who’d climbed to their feet, seemed astonished, dis-11 believing. Pretty, blonde juror number four wore an expression of 12 abject terror, one hand clapped over her mouth, her eyes enormous 13 and bright. Jurors number six and seven were edging toward the 14 exit. They’d been told that the system worked. They hadn’t ex-15 pected this. 16 �śYou motherfuckin’ fascists,” Gage shrieked. �śYou don’t know 17 what you’re doing. Get your fuckin’ hands off me!” 18 He was still cursing and kicking when the handcuffs snapped 19 on his wrists. His body strained frantically, shivered, then went 20 slack. His mouth fell open, and he gazed at the room, drained of 21 energy. For some time the room was quiet, and Steven Gage didn’t 22 move. Then, without warning, his body jerked, and his eyes grew 23 wide again. Throwing back his head, he let out an agonized howl. 24 The cry went on and on, a piercing ululation. The sound of a 25 keening animal caught in the grip of a trap. Laura’s skin prickled 26 down the back of her neck, a chill blooming in her heart. This 27 was pure, distilled rage, like nothing she’d ever heard. 28 Then, suddenly, it was over. 29 Gage was silent again. His eyes drifted to the gallery. He 30 looked at them. At her. 31 For a moment their gazes locked. Laura could hardly breathe. 32 It was like a curtain had been ripped away, and she finally saw the 33 truth. The truth that she’d swept aside for so long because she 34 couldn’t bear it. S 35 What she saw was an ineffable emptiness, a bleakness beyond R 36 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 8 A M Y G U T M A N 1 despair. There was something broken and evil in him that could 2 never be repaired. As his eyes bore into hers, a smile flickered on 3 his lips, and in a moment of terrible insight she knew what he 4 was thinking. He wasn’t really there, he was floating in fantasy. 5 Imagining how he’d kill her if he only had the chance. 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 9 Wednesday, April 5 Sh e almost didn’t see it. 1 Juggling a pizza box with a load of books, she yanked open the 2 unlocked screen door, her mind on other things. The smell of 3 pepperoni. The sharp spring breeze. Next week’s midterm in Ab-4 normal Psych. In retrospect, these thoughts would seem a sort of 5 victory. A sign that, after more than a decade, she’d managed to 6 reclaim her life. But it was days, or maybe weeks, before she real-7 ized this, and by then it was too late. She could only look back, 8 helpless, at the world she’d left behind. 9 By some trick of gravity the envelope stuck, as if tacked against 10 the doorjamb. Later, she’d try to reconstruct this moment, re-11 membering that first impression. An ordinary business envelope. 12 White. Her name �" Ms. Callie Thayer �" in clear black type. 13 Later even that would seem strange, but at the time she’d barely 14 noticed. She’d seen the envelope, grabbed it, stuffed it into her 15 leather bag. 16 For the next three hours it had been forgotten, a time bomb in 17 her purse. 18 19 h 20 �śAnyone home?” 21 But of course she knew they were here. 22 It was Wednesday afternoon, just after five. Anna would be 23 home from school. Rick, who worked an early shift, would have 24 started dinner by now. 25 Putting down her books, Callie gave herself a quick once-over S 26 in the mirror at the end of the hallway. Pale heart-shaped face. R 27 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 10 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Thick chestnut hair. A vagrant curl had tumbled loose from the 2 clip she’d used to pull it back. Reflexively, she unsnapped the bar-3 rette, pushed the tendrils back. Last month, she’d turned thirty-4 five, and today she looked her age. Faint lines around the large, 5 dark eyes. Two deeper creases in her brow. Not that any of it 6 bothered her, quite the opposite. She watched the shifting land-7 scape of her face with hungry fascination, concrete proof she 8 wasn’t the person she’d been ten years ago. 9 �śHey, babe! In here.” 10 She followed Rick’s voice to the kitchen. He was standing at 11 the sink washing vegetables, the Dixie Chicks playing in the 12 background. Wiping his hands on a towel, he stepped toward her 13 for a kiss. Tall and lankily boyish, he wore faded jeans and Birken-14 stocks with a white short-sleeved T-shirt. He had dark brown hair 15 and a lazy smile. Green eyes flecked with gold. He looked like a 16 carpenter or maybe an artist, someone who worked with his hands. 17 It was still hard for her to believe that she was dating a cop. 18 As Rick’s lips grazed hers, Callie touched his shoulder. He 19 smelled of oregano and mint, a rich, earthy scent. They’d been 20 together for eight months, sleeping together for four, and she was 21 still sometimes caught off guard by the looping surge of attrac-22 tion. But when Rick’s lips moved to her neck, Callie pulled away. 23 Anna was just upstairs. Besides, they had to get dinner ready. 24 �śHere. Take this.” Callie held out the pizza box, with its cargo 25 of fat and meat. He set the box on the counter, then turned 26 toward her again. She couldn’t read his eyes, but she knew what 27 he was thinking. 28 �śDon’t you have things to do?” she murmured with mock 29 severity. 30 �śLike this?” 31 As he ran a hand down the curve of her back, something inside 32 her sparked. She let her eyes drift shut, her head resting on his 33 shoulder. He pressed against her rhythmically, once, twice, again. 34 �śNot now,” she whispered into his chest. �śCome on, Rick. 35 S Please.” 36 R 1 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 11 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Still, she was almost disappointed when he dropped his arms 1 and stepped away. A last chaste kiss on the cheek, and he was 2 back at the kitchen sink. For a moment, Callie stood where he’d 3 left her, flushed and slightly bereft. Then she went to the refrig-4 erator and grabbed a San Pellegrino. She took a glass from a cab-5 inet, sat down at the table. 6 �śTough day?” Rick’s back was turned to her, and she couldn’t 7 see his face. 8 �śNot too bad, really.” Callie took a sip of sparkling water, the 9 bubbles sharp in her mouth. 10 Roseanne Cash was playing now, a song about the wheel going 11 ’round. Outside, the sky was a dappled gray, streaked with red 12 and gold. Callie watched as Rick moved easily through the snug 13 brightness of the kitchen. He pulled three plates from a cup-14 board, tasted the salad dressing. The flash of arousal she’d felt was 15 gone, replaced with a sense of contentment. A delicious aware-16 ness that, just for now, all was as it should be. 17 �śYou want me to help?” Callie asked. 18 �śNope, we’re pretty much set.” 19 Again, her eyes moved over the room, a scene of order and 20 comfort. Notched pine floor, granite counters, pots hanging on 21 the wall. Fresh herbs growing on the windowsill: tarragon, basil, 22 thyme. It was the life she’d wanted for herself but most of all for 23 Anna. Callie thought, as she often did, how lucky they were to 24 live here, in this cozy Cape Cod cottage in this picture-perfect 25 town. 26 Merritt, Massachusetts. Population: 30,000. 27 White-steepled churches. 28 Brick storefronts. 29 Astounding autumn foliage. 30 A place where kids still went out to play without the bother of 31 play dates. 32 It was more than six years since she’d moved here, an anxious 33 single mother and student. She’d attended Windham College on 34 an Abbott Scholarship, a special grant for older �śnontraditional” S 35 R 36 1 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 12 A M Y G U T M A N 1 students working on their B.A.’s. She’d majored in English and, 2 three years later, graduated with high honors. By then, she’d 3 bought the house and fallen in love with the town. 4 They’d lived here for going on seven years, and it was lucky 5 she’d bought when she did. She’d been astonished when the 6 house across the street sold last year for more than six hundred 7 grand, purchased by a wealthy family moving from outside Boston. 8 Bernie Creighton had kept his job in the city, commuting two 9 hours each way. It was worth it, he and his wife said, for the qual-10 ity of life. It seemed a little ridiculous �" what was wrong with 11 the suburbs? �" but their youngest child, Henry, was Anna’s best 12 friend, so Callie was hardly complaining. 13 She herself had once considered a move to Boston, where job 14 prospects would be better. But after a stressful round of inter-15 views, she’d decided to stay put. She already had the house. And 16 if salaries were low in Merritt, so were her expenses. After finish-17 ing her degree, she’d gone to work in Windham’s alumni office, a 18 job that gave her flexibility and ample time with Anna. Now 19 that Anna was older, Callie was back in school part-time. She’d 20 switched her focus to psychology and hoped to go on to grad school. 21 Rick was chopping carrots, intently watching the knife. The 22 steel made a muffled clicking sound on the wooden cutting 23 board. He brought to cooking the same dedication he brought to 24 making love. Callie had teased him about it once, his rapt con-25 centration. �śThe kitchen,” he’d said seriously, �śis the most dan-26 gerous room in the house.” An odd thing to say, she’d thought at 27 the time, though probably accurate. 28 �śSo how’re things going?” Callie asked. �śDid you talk to your 29 dad today?” 30 �śI’m going back down this weekend,” Rick said. �śI got a cheap 31 flight on Saturday.” 32 Callie looked up, concerned. �śBut I thought the tests were nor-33 mal. The electrocardiogram.” 34 Rick put down the knife. Picking up the cutting board, he 35 S dumped carrots into the salad. �śIt wasn’t definitive. Now they 36 R want to do this thing called a thallium stress test. To find out how 1 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 13 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y much blood is getting to different parts of the heart. Depending 1 on what they find out �"” 2 The phone rang sharply behind her, a shrill bleating sound. 3 �śGo ahead,” Rick said, tossing his head back toward it. 4 Turning in her chair, Callie picked up. 5 �śHello?” She recognized the voice immediately, soft and hesi-6 tant. �śNathan, I’m really sorry, but we’re about to sit down to 7 dinner.” 8 �śOh, sure. Sorry.” 9 Callie imagined him flushing crimson on the other end of the 10 phone. She’d never known a boy or man who blushed so easily. 11 She’d met Nathan Lacoste last fall in Introductory Psych. A 12 Windham junior, twenty years old, he’d somehow latched onto 13 her. Smart, she thought, and not bad looking but painfully self-14 conscious. She could tell he’d had trouble making friends, and 15 she tried to be kind to him, remembering the pain of feeling lost 16 and alone during her own years in college. Lately, though, she’d 17 come to wish that she’d kept a bit more distance. He’d taken to 18 calling her at home much more than she liked. 19 �śI’ll let you go. To eat.” But Nathan didn’t hang up. For some-20 one almost pathologically shy, he could be very persistent. �śI . . . 21 could you just tell me what you’re having?” 22 �śExcuse me?” Callie was barely listening. She shouldn’t have 23 picked up the phone. As she watched Rick finish the salad, she 24 thought how tired he looked. His parents lived in North Car-25 olina, outside Chapel Hill. This would be his third trip in the 26 past six weeks, and the travels were taking a toll. 27 �śI was wondering what you’re having. To eat. I was sort of feel-28 ing hungry, but, I don’t know, I couldn’t think what to make.” 29 He seemed to be angling for an invitation. She had to get off 30 the phone. �śPizza,” she said shortly. �śPepperoni pizza. And salad.” 31 �śPepperoni pizza.” He slowly repeated the words. �śThat sounds 32 good. What kind of salad? You know, I never know what to put in 33 the dressing. Sometimes I buy it, but I think that’s stupid. It 34 costs �"” S 35 �śListen, I really have to go. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” R 36 1 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 14 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śYeah, okay. Sure.” She could tell he was hurt, felt a twinge 2 of guilt, then told herself he wasn’t her problem. She could be 3 Nathan’s friend to a point, but she wasn’t going to adopt him. 4 �śWho was that?” Rick asked when she’d hung up the phone. 5 �śNathan Lacoste. You know, that kid I told you about.” 6 �śThe weird one?” 7 �śWell . . .” Callie stopped. It was as good a description as any. 8 �śYeah. That’s the one.” 9 �śHe calls you a lot.” 10 �śNot that much.” Annoyed as she’d been with Nathan, she 11 could still feel sorry for him. �śA couple of times a week, maybe. 12 I’m a mother figure or something.” 13 �śOr something. ” 14 Callie shook her head. �śOh, come on, Rick. He’s a kid. He’s 15 lonely.” She paused, still carefully watching him, ready to drop 16 the subject. �śSo what about your dad? What were you telling me?” 17 �śI think I pretty much said everything. Hey, could you set the 18 table?” 19 Callie pulled out three place mats, red-and-white-checked 20 gingham. 21 �śSo you’re leaving on Saturday?” 22 �śRight.” 23 �śI could drive you to Hartford. To the airport.” 24 �śI’ve got an early flight.” 25 From upstairs, the sound of canned laughter exploded from 26 Anna’s room. 27 �śHow’s she doing?” Callie gestured toward the stairs. 28 �śGood. She’s fine.” 29 �śReally?” 30 �śSure. She came home. I said, �ŚHow was school?’ She said, 31 �ŚOkay.’ Then she grabbed a bag of cookies and went upstairs. No 32 complaints.” 33 �śShe’s supposed to set the table before she goes upstairs.” 34 �śI guess she forgot.” 35 S Callie sighed. �śShe didn’t forget.” 36 R �śWell, then, I guess she just didn’t want to.” 1 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 15 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y After she’d set out the silverware, Callie plopped back in her 1 chair. �śI wish she �"” 2 �śJust give her some time, Callie. She’s still not used to having 3 someone else around. She’s used to having you to herself.” 4 �śI know. You’re right. I just �" I just wish it was easier for her. 5 It’s not like we just met. She’s had time to get to know you. I 6 don’t know what the problem is.” 7 �śLet it go, Cal. She’ll come around in time. Once she sees that 8 I’m not going anywhere.” 9 Once she sees that I’m not going anywhere. The words were like 10 a gift that she welcomed but didn’t quite expect. Her mind held 11 them awkwardly, uncertain where to put them. 12 �śI thought ten was supposed to be easier,” she finally said. �śI 13 was reading somewhere that nine is a hard age, then things settle 14 down at ten. It’s supposed to be one of the ages of equilibrium. I 15 thought there’d be some, you know, break before she’s a teenager.” 16 �śKids are individuals. They don’t grow according to plan.” 17 A pause. Callie stretched her arms overhead, then folded one 18 at the elbow and dropped it behind her back. Using the other 19 hand, she pressed down on the upper arm. A yoga stretch she’d 20 learned years ago, back when she did such things. 21 �śAt least she’s speaking to you,” Callie said. �śI guess that’s an 22 improvement.” 23 �śThere you go.” 24 Dropping the other arm, Callie repeated the stretch, this time 25 on the other side. 26 She was more tired than she’d realized. 27 She’d love to go to bed early tonight, but she still had reading 28 to do. If she let herself get behind, she’d be screwed by the end of 29 the school year. She was way beyond the age when all-nighters 30 seemed like fun. 31 �śReady to eat?” Rick was pulling the pizza from the oven, 32 where he’d stuck it to keep warm. The yeasty scent of dough 33 wafted through the room. 34 Callie looked at him and smiled, the tension subsiding again. S 35 She loved their Wednesday pizza nights, haphazard and slightly R 36 1 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 16 A M Y G U T M A N 1 festive. She got to her feet, stretched again, and headed toward 2 the stairs. 3 �śJust put it on the table. I’ll go get Anna,” she said. 4 h 5 6 DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION 7 THIS MEANS YOU!!!!! 8 ANYONE WHO COMES IN WITHOUT ASKING 9 WILL BE IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW 10 RICK EVANS YOU CANNOT COME INTO MY ROOM 11 Signed, 12 Anna Elizabeth Thayer 13 14 The sign on Anna’s door was a new addition. With a slight sink-15 ing feeling, Callie read the words again. She thought about what 16 Rick had said downstairs, how Anna was simply jealous. The sign 17 on the door was like a cry for help, or at least a cry for attention. 18 Callie knocked on the door. No answer. From inside, she heard 19 a cartoon character’s high-pitched, excited voice. The words were 20 followed by a bonking sound, then a whistling and a crash. Cal-21 lie knocked again, louder this time, then cracked open the door. 22 �śHi, bug.” 23 Anna was sprawled on her bed in a sea of stuffed animals. She 24 was wearing gray sweatpants and a Merritt Elementary School 25 T-shirt. 26 �śHi, Mommy,” she said. 27 �śMay I come in?” 28 �śOkay.” Anna’s eyes had moved away from hers, drifting back 29 to the TV screen. 30 The room was its usual chaos, and Callie had to pick her way 31 through the obstacle course to reach her daughter’s bed. A hair-32 brush, a necklace, a black patent shoe, a Harry Potter book. Cal-33 lie’s old computer, which Anna had begged for, had become an 34 impromptu clothes rack, barely visible beneath a pile of pants, 35 S skirts, and sweaters. 36 R Perching on the side of the mattress, Callie leaned down for 1 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 17 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y a kiss. As her lips brushed her daughter’s cheek, she smelled 1 something unfamiliar, a cloying chemical sweetness that clung to 2 Anna’s hair. 3 �śThat smell,” she said. �śWhat is it?” 4 �śRemember? We got it in the mail. You said that I could 5 have it.” 6 A shampoo sample, Callie remembered now. One of those mi-7 nuscule bottles tossed by the millions into consumer mailboxes. 8 A puke-green-colored container with a picture of daisies on the 9 label. 10 �śI like your usual better.” 11 �śBut Mom, that’s baby shampoo.” 12 �śThey just call it that because it doesn’t sting your eyes. I use 13 it, and I’m not a baby.” 14 �śMom.” Anna rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, as if her 15 mother’s views on this subject were too embarrassing to consider. 16 Callie sighed, and sat back. There’d been more and more of 17 these moments lately, and she had to pick her battles. The mess 18 in Anna’s room, for example, was something she didn’t push. 19 Maybe once a month or so, she’d insist on a full-scale cleanup. 20 The rest of the time she told herself it was Anna who had to live 21 here. The TV had been another concession that Callie at times 22 regretted. But she limited Anna to an hour a day, and only after 23 homework. 24 �śHomework finished?” she asked now. 25 �śUh-huh,” Anna said. 26 Cuddled up with her battered stuffed bear, Anna still looked 27 like a child. And yet, Callie was well aware of the crossroads just 28 ahead. There on the wall by Anna’s bed was a poster of Britney 29 Spears. Balloonlike breasts. Slick, wet lips. A pale froth of hair. 30 An ominous intimation of the years that lay ahead. 31 Callie looked at her daughter. �śSo what’s with the sign?” she 32 asked. 33 �śWhat sign?” Anna said. She kept watching the cartoon. A 34 green squirrel scampered to the edge of a tree limb, not watching S 35 his step. The branch ended, but he kept going until he glanced R 36 1 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 18 A M Y G U T M A N 1 down. Then, in sudden panic, he found he was suspended in 2 space. The knowledge seemed to trigger the force of gravity, hith-3 erto suspended. A whistling, whooshing noise as the squirrel plum-4 meted to earth. 5 Anna laughed loudly. 6 Callie, knowing her daughter, could tell the sound was forced. 7 �śThe sign on your door, ” she said, refusing to be put off. 8 Still not looking at her mother, Anna shrugged her shoulders. 9 Callie waited for something more, but Anna didn’t go on. Af-10 ter another few seconds of silence, Callie tried again. �śWhat’s up 11 with you and Rick? You used to like him fine. Remember how you 12 went sledding last winter, you, Henry, and Rick?” 13 Still no response. 14 An explosion on the TV screen sent the green squirrel hurtling 15 through outer space, through the stars, past the moon, past the 16 rings of Saturn. 17 �śAnna, turn off the television.” 18 �śBut Mom �"” 19 �śTurn it off.” 20 With a sigh, Anna clicked the remote, but she still didn’t 21 look up. 22 In the sudden silence, Callie had an impulse just to let it go. 23 But they had to talk about this sometime, and it might as well be 24 now. 25 �śCome on, Anna. Tell me.” 26 Anna shrugged again, more elaborately this time. Her eyes 27 shifted from Callie’s face to someplace beyond her shoulder. As if 28 she were seeking an escape route to somewhere her mother was 29 not. 30 �śHe’s okay,” she finally said. �śI just don’t see why he has to be 31 here all the time.” 32 �śHe’s here because he cares. He cares about both of us.” Callie 33 studied her daughter. �śI think there’s something else. Something 34 you’re not telling me.” 35 S �śI don’t have to tell you everything. ” Anna stared at her lap, 36 R hair shielding her face. 1 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 19 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śNo. Of course not,” Callie said gently. �śBut you might feel 1 better if you talked about it.” 2 Anna shifted her position, and as her hair fell away, Callie 3 glimpsed her trembling mouth. She looked both defiant and mis-4 erable, and Callie yearned to touch her. To do something �" any-5 thing �" to soothe her daughter’s pain. But she knew from past 6 experience that this would just make things worse. When Anna 7 was in this sort of mood, she had to wait it out. 8 �śHe’s not my father.” 9 Anna said the words so softly that Callie almost missed them. 10 She looked at her daughter in astonishment, wondering if she’d 11 heard right. 12 �śHe’s not!” Anna’s voice was stronger now. Her eyes squarely 13 met her mother’s. 14 Callie took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. �śNo,” she 15 said. �śYou’re right.” 16 Her mind was flying now, trying to frame a response, trying to 17 come up with an answer that Anna would find reassuring. At the 18 same time, she was casting around for a clue as to where this had 19 come from. She couldn’t remember the last time that Anna had 20 mentioned Kevin. 21 �śYou’ve been thinking about your dad?” 22 �śNo!” Anna said. And then, �śA little.” She’d dropped her 23 head, and once again her face was veiled behind a swath of hair. 24 �śSo . . . what do you think about?” 25 �śJust some stuff we did. Like that place where we got pumpkins 26 for Halloween. And at that park, where he pushed me on the 27 swing.” 28 She’d been so young, only three. Callie was amazed she re-29 membered. When she herself thought of Kevin Thayer, almost 30 nothing remained. Just the monotony of trying to pretend that 31 she’d been right to marry him. Even his face was a blur now: 32 plump cheeks beneath the thinning hair, small pug nose. When 33 she tried to picture her ex-husband, she thought of a smooth, 34 round egg. Yet he hadn’t been a bad man. Just not the man for S 35 her. R 36 1 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 20 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śYou liked doing those things.” 2 �śYeah.” 3 Callie moved a hand to Anna’s back, but Anna wriggled away. 4 After a moment, though, she looked at Callie, her gaze shrewd, 5 assessing. The look of a seasoned gambler weighing the odds of 6 a bet. 7 �śAre you going to marry Rick?” 8 The question caught Callie off guard. �śI . . . I don’t know, 9 honey,” she hedged. �śWe haven’t talked about it.” 10 �śBut you might marry him.” 11 �śLook, sweetie, I’m not going to marry anyone unless . . . un-12 less we both agree. Unless you and I both decide that it would be 13 a good idea.” 14 �śReally?” Anna’s face lit up. This time when Callie touched 15 her, she didn’t squirm away. 16 Reaching beneath her daughter’s shirt, Callie tickled her lightly, 17 trailing her fingers down the narrow back in the way that Anna 18 loved. 19 �śYou know, if you want to talk about your dad, you can tell me.” 20 �śOkay.” Anna’s voice was muffled, her face pressed against a 21 pillow. 22 �śDo you . . . miss him?” It was painful to ask the question. 23 Maybe because she wanted so much to believe that she could 24 make Anna happy. 25 �śI’m okay, Mom,” Anna said. 26 Callie didn’t say anything. For an instant, she had a strange 27 sensation that Anna was protecting her. 28 Then, leaning forward, she kissed Anna’s flowery hair. �śC’mon, 29 honey, let’s go downstairs. It’s pizza night,” she said. 30 31 �śSo you’ll be back on Tuesday?” 32 �śThat’s the plan.” 33 It was a little before eight. They were sitting at the kitchen 34 table. Rick flipped through the Merritt Gazette, while Callie 35 S scanned the mail �" applications for credit cards, catalogues, a 36 R sweepstakes entry. 2 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 21 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śI’ll miss you,” Callie said to him. And was surprised to realize 1 it was true. 2 Rick looked over and smiled at her, faint lines deepening around 3 his eyes. He looked both older and younger, smiling at her like 4 that. In fact, he was thirty-two, three years younger than she was. 5 They’d met late last summer at a neighborhood barbecue. Rick 6 didn’t live in the neighborhood, but his pal Tod Carver did. Tod 7 was Rick’s best friend at the Merritt Police Department. He had 8 curly hair, a rueful expression, and Callie was fond of him. He re-9 minded her a bit of a guy she’d dated back in high school. 10 Like Callie, Rick was a Merritt transplant, having moved up 11 from New York. At the barbecue, they’d traded stories over paper 12 plates of food. �śBurnout,” he’d said simply, when she asked him 13 why he’d moved. For her part, she’d told him how she’d come 14 here for school, then fallen for the town. 15 He was so appealing, so easy to talk to, she’d liked him right 16 away. Still, when he’d asked her out for dinner, she’d found her-17 self hesitating. She’d been on her own for so long now. It seemed 18 safer that way. There was no one to tell her what to do, no one to 19 report to. No one to ask her difficult questions, to dredge up the 20 painful past. Her life was simple, streamlined. For the most part, 21 it worked. And yet there was something about Rick that had 22 caused her to reconsider. I’ll go out with him once, she’d told her-23 self. And that was how it started. 24 A rustle as Rick turned the page, and a flyer fell to the floor. 25 Pushing aside the mail, Callie reached down to get it. A two-for-26 one sale on Easter candy, worth remembering. Once again, it was 27 almost time for the neighborhood’s Easter egg hunt. When was 28 Easter anyway? Two weeks? Or was it sooner? 29 She reached into her purse for her Filofax, meaning to check 30 the date. But as she pulled out the date book, she saw that some-31 thing was caught between its pages. The envelope she’d picked 32 up earlier, the one stuck in the door. She’d totally forgotten about 33 it. Now she pulled it out. Edging a fingernail beneath its flap, she 34 neatly ripped it open. Inside was a single sheet of paper. Two S 35 short sentences, typed. R 36 2 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 22 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Happy Anniversary, Rosamund. I haven’t forgotten you. 2 The shock was so intense that at first she didn’t feel a thing. 3 Like plunging into ice-cold water, unable to catch your breath, 4 hurtling down and down and down, not knowing when you’ll 5 stop. She clutched the note tight in her hand. Everything had 6 changed. 7 �śCallie? What is it?” 8 She started at the sound of Rick’s voice, pulled back from the 9 precipice. 10 �śJust a note from Anna’s teacher,” she lied. �śI’ve got to talk to 11 her.” 12 With thick, unwieldy fingers, she quickly refolded the page. 13 Stuck the note in its envelope back in her Filofax. She was about 14 to close the leather cover when her eyes caught today’s date. The 15 large block letters in the small square box said Wednesday, April 5. 16 She stared at the date, hardly able to believe it. 17 April 5. 18 Today was April 5. 19 How could she have forgotten? 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 23 Thursday, April 6 Da n c i n g close. 1 Her head rests on a man’s shoulder, her small hand encased in his 2 larger one. Her dress is long and white, soft against her skin. She’s a 3 beautiful girl in a beautiful dress, dancing with her new husband. His 4 leg moves forward as hers slides back. He turns, and she turns with 5 him. 6 One, two, three. One two three. 7 A waltz. 8 Another turn and then another. She’s starting to feel dizzy. But 9 when she looks up to tell him, she can’t seem to speak. He smiles at 10 her, then, firmly, presses her head back down. As if he can’t bear to 11 look at her. She wants to ask him why. But when she tries to move her 12 head, his hand holds it in place. 13 One, two, three. One two three. 14 It seems as if the room is growing darker, as if it’s going to rain. But 15 then she sees that they’re not in a room and everyone else is gone. 16 They’re dancing outside, in a parking lot, surrounded by a high fence. 17 In the background, she hears music. I’m in the mood, I’m in the 18 mood, I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood, I’m in the �" 19 One, two, three. 20 One two three. 21 She almost starts to giggle as they waltz to country rock. 22 Again, she tries to look up at him, and this time he doesn’t stop her. 23 But his gaze is focused on some distant point, beyond the steel mesh 24 fence. 25 There are no cars left in the parking lot. It must be very late. His S 26 arms grow tighter around her, and he steers her into the fence. He R 27 2 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 24 A M Y G U T M A N 1 presses up against her, hard, until the metal cuts into her back. She 2 tries to push him away, but his weight knocks the breath from her. 3 Then his mouth smashes down on hers, and there’s nothing but this 4 sensation. Heat shoots up between her legs as she molds her body to 5 his. They kiss for what seems like a very long time, his hand wrapped 6 in her hair. 7 I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood . . . 8 His hands slide down her body. She arches up toward him. 9 Then, stronger than desire, a flame of fear leaps up. 10 Something’s wrong. This isn’t real. 11 She has to get away. 12 Adrenaline courses through her. She lunges forward, wrenches away, 13 then sets off running. A fog has descended over everything, and she 14 can barely see. Not far behind, she hears his footsteps, rapidly closing 15 in. If she can just keep going, she’ll get to the church, and there she’ll be 16 safe from him. She skims across the murky landscape, almost as if she’s 17 flying. Then a blow to her back. Her feet cut out from beneath her. 18 She feels the knife before she sees it, pressed against her arm. By 19 now, she’s given up. She isn’t afraid anymore, doesn’t feel much of 20 anything. Just a vague curiosity about what it will be like to die. She 21 watches the blade slice through her flesh, silent and unforgiving. A thin 22 red trail springs up through the paper-white skin of her arm. The color 23 of roses or apples. Of Christmas wrapping paper. So beautiful to look 24 at. Strange that it should hurt. 25 Again, he lifts and lowers the blade, draws it through her flesh. This 26 time the knife goes deeper, almost to the bone. 27 No. Please. Stop. 28 In the distance, she hears the wail of sirens. The knife floats down 29 again. I’m here I’m here I’m here. Whose voice is that, screaming? 30 The sirens are all around her. Why don’t they make him stop? 31 She woke up crying, tears streaming down her cheeks. Which 32 wasn’t unusual. It had been this way since childhood, at least 33 once a week. As if some deep enveloping sadness were staking its 34 claim on her. Once her older sister, Sarah, had shaken her awake. 35 S �śWhy are you crying?” Sarah had asked. �śI’m not,” she’d insisted. 36 R 2 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 25 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y And believed it, until she’d touched her face and felt its salty 1 dampness. The dream, though, where had that come from? She 2 hadn’t had it for years. 3 She pulled on a robe, then went downstairs, found Anna at the 4 kitchen table. Anna was already eating breakfast: leftover choco-5 late cake. Her hair, jaggedly parted, was yanked in a ponytail, the 6 strands pulled back tightly above the delicate shells of her ears. 7 Callie almost said something �" �śChocolate cake for break-8 fast?” �" then decided that it wasn’t such a big deal just this once. 9 �śDid you take your vitamin?” Callie asked. 10 �śYes.” 11 �śGood girl.” 12 Callie got a glass from the cupboard and poured it full of milk. 13 Instead of arguing about the cake, she could simply supplement. 14 �śHere. I want you to drink this up.” 15 �śBut I don’t like milk, Mom.” 16 Callie set the glass by her plate. �śDrink it anyway.” 17 Turning back to the counter, Callie started the coffeemaker. 18 She felt fuzzy and disoriented, almost as if she’d been drugged. 19 The nightmare hung in her mind and also something else. Happy 20 Anniversary, Rosamund. I haven’t forgotten you. For a moment, she 21 wondered if she’d imagined that, if it too might be a dream. 22 �śMommy, d’you think maybe we could get a puppy? The John-23 sons just got the cutest little dog. She’s part terrier and part bea-24 gle, that’s what they think. They got her at the pound, and you 25 don’t have to pay any money except for the shots. That’s what 26 Sophie said. They named her Florence, and she’s so nice with 27 these really big ears. She’s sort of �"” 28 �śA dog needs lots of attention, Anna. We’re not home 29 enough.” They’d been through this before. The response was au-30 tomatic. 31 Callie took a mug from the cupboard and poured herself some 32 coffee. Brown liquid dripped from the glass carafe and she grabbed 33 a rag to wipe it up. The rag was damp and oily, the splashed cof-34 fee hot. It didn’t seem like a dream. It all felt very real. S 35 R 36 2 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 26 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śBut why can’t we? I’ll take care of her. I don’t see �"” 2 Anna’s voice cut into her thoughts; something in Callie 3 snapped. �śI said No. N.O. No. I don’t want to talk about it.” 4 A pink glow spread over Anna’s face, almost as if she’d been 5 slapped. She looked at Callie in disbelief. She hadn’t done any-6 thing wrong! 7 Callie took a step forward, but Anna was already up. She 8 hopped from her chair, grabbed her backpack and shot past Cal-9 lie toward the hallway. 10 The front door slammed behind her. 11 The sound echoed through the house. 12 For a time, Callie didn’t move, just stood there feeling terrible. 13 She shouldn’t have lost her temper, especially after last night. 14 Through the window she saw that the weather had turned. It 15 looked like it might rain. Too late, she realized that she should 16 have told Anna to take her slicker to school. 17 The coffee in her mug had cooled, but she drank it anyway. 18 Then, leaving the mug in the sink, she went upstairs to get 19 dressed. But when she reached her room, she sank down on her 20 bed and lowered her head to her hands. 21 When she’d finally finished crying, Callie wiped her eyes. She 22 went to the bathroom and blew her nose, splashed her face with 23 cold water. She glimpsed herself in the bathroom mirror, her skin 24 splotchy red and white. Her expression scared her a little. It was 25 how she’d looked before. 26 Back in her bedroom, she picked up the phone. 27 �śMerritt Police Department.” It was Rick’s friend, Tod Carver. 28 He had a slow, reassuring voice, like the sheriff on an old TV 29 show. 30 �śTod? It’s Callie.” She heard the strain in her own voice but 31 hoped he didn’t notice. When she spoke again, she made an ex-32 tra effort to sound like nothing was wrong. �śSo how’re things 33 going?” 34 �śGood, actually. And you?” 35 S �śOkay. Fine. Getting ready for the Easter egg hunt?” 36 R 2 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 27 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śYeah, I’ve got the kids next week for vacation. They can’t 1 wait.” Tod had moved to Merritt from Virginia last year after a 2 messy divorce. It was hard for him, Callie knew, to be away from 3 his children. 4 �śHow’re they doing?” 5 �śGreat. Lilly’s started taking gymnastics. She does this amazing 6 back flip. Scares me to death, but she loves it. Oliver lost his first 7 tooth.” 8 �śWow.” 9 �śYeah.” 10 A pause. She figured she’d made enough small talk. �śSo is Rick 11 around?” 12 �śSure. I’ll get him. Good talking to you, Callie.” 13 �śYou too. See you next weekend.” 14 A moment and then Rick was on the line. 15 �śHey. What’s up?” He sounded surprised but pleased. She 16 rarely called him at work. 17 �śListen, there’s this UPS package I was expecting yesterday,” 18 she began. �śI was wondering if you’d seen it. I called and they said 19 it was dropped off. It’s . . . some books for school. I need to get 20 hold of them.” With relief, she noticed that she sounded normal, 21 the teariness dissipated. She hated lying to Rick but didn’t really 22 have a choice. 23 �śNo. Sorry. Didn’t see a thing.” 24 �śWas . . . did anyone come by before I got home? I mean, did 25 you notice anyone hanging around the house or anything?” 26 �śUh-uh. No. Why don’t you check with UPS again? I bet they 27 made a mistake. Left it at the wrong house maybe.” 28 �śYeah. Okay. I’ll do that.” It had been a long shot. She’d known 29 in her gut that whoever left the note had been careful to avoid 30 detection. It wasn’t so difficult, really. During the day, the neigh-31 borhood was quiet, the adults at work or doing errands, the kids 32 all in school. And even if a few people were around, it wouldn’t 33 necessarily matter. After all these years, it still amazed her, the 34 things people failed to see. S 35 R 36 2 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 28 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śWill you be over in time for dinner tonight? I thought I’d 2 roast a chicken.” One of Anna’s favorites. A small gesture of 3 apology for how she’d acted this morning. 4 �śYou know, I think I’m just going to head home after work. I’ve 5 got to pack, get ready to leave town. I’ve been a little tired lately.” 6 �śSure. Okay.” She was disappointed but tried not to show it. 7 �śTomorrow, then?” 8 �śI’d like to. Really. But my flight’s so early.” 9 �śSo I . . .” Callie let the words trail off. 10 �śWhat?” 11 �śNothing.” She’d been about to say that they wouldn’t see 12 each other again before he left town. But thinking better of it, 13 she’d held back the words, not wanting to add to his burdens. She 14 wasn’t close to her parents these days, but both of them were 15 alive, and there was definitely something comforting in simply 16 knowing they were there. 17 �śOkay then,” Rick said. �śI should probably get back to work.” 18 �śRight. Well . . . If we don’t talk before you leave, have a good 19 trip.” 20 �śI’ll call you when I get in.” 21 �śDo you . . . d’you think I could get your folks’ number? In 22 case. Oh, I don’t know.” She flushed as she asked the question, 23 feeling as if she were begging. As if she were crowding into some 24 place where she hadn’t been invited. 25 �śIt’d be better if I called you,” he said. 26 When she hung up the phone, she felt worse. 27 A single car drove by outside, the sound approaching then fad-28 ing. Callie hauled herself up from the bed and went over to her 29 closet. She dropped her robe to the floor and pulled off her cot-30 ton nightgown. Naked in front of the full-length mirror, she stud-31 ied her reflection. 32 Her skin, pale, almost translucent, gleamed back from the 33 glass. Her body was small and slender, with firm up-tilted breasts. 34 As a child she’d taken ballet classes and actually done quite well. 35 S In dance, she’d found an arena where she imagined that she’d be 36 R 2 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 29 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y seen. It was something she’d never talked about, not even to her 1 sister, this sense she sometimes had of being almost invisible. 2 Alone, she’d struggled to find a way out, a way to feel more sub-3 stantial. And then, when she was nine, she’d had a solo in the 4 spring recital. 5 Everything was perfect, just as she’d imagined. She’d flown 6 across the stage, the lights beaming down, knowing that out in 7 that velvet darkness all eyes were watching her. But afterwards, 8 when it was over, she’d found that nothing had changed. As her 9 sister and parents hugged her backstage, she’d felt like she was 10 fading. She couldn’t believe it was happening. She’d felt stunned, 11 betrayed. She’d been so confident that this one evening would 12 change everything. 13 After that, with no explanation, she’d quit taking ballet. Her 14 parents, surprised, had questioned her, asked her to reconsider. 15 She’d always loved dancing. Why stop now? But after what had 16 happened, she couldn’t see the point. She told them she’d just 17 lost interest. Puzzled, they let it go. 18 Because she always wore long sleeves, her arms were white as 19 her belly. Now, with a sharp intake of breath, she rolled them 20 slowly forward, examined the tender, pale skin with its orderly 21 tracing of scars. Thin white streaks, from elbow to wrist, more 22 than she could count. 23 This is real. It happened. It isn’t something you dreamed. 24 The first time she’d slept with Rick, he’d gently touched the 25 markings. He hadn’t said anything, just looked at her question-26 ingly. �śThey’re from a bad time,” she’d said. �śI don’t want to talk 27 about it.” That was four months ago. He’d never asked again. 28 Now, the past washed over her as she gazed down at her arms. 29 The scars were relics of another lifetime, history carved in flesh. 30 31 h 32 Back at work shortly after five, Melanie White struggled to cram 33 an armload of shopping bags into her office coat closet. There 34 were more than half a dozen, and she had to shift things to make S 35 R 36 2 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 30 A M Y G U T M A N 1 them fit. The shiny black bag from Barneys. The blue ones from 2 Bergdorf-Goodman. She’d spent several thousand dollars, but 3 she felt exhilarated. After this morning’s victory, she felt as if she 4 deserved it. 5 Just six hours ago she’d been in federal court, waiting for district 6 judge Randolph Lewis to issue his ruling from the bench. She’d 7 been seated at the counsel table with senior partner Tom Mead. 8 Both of them visibly tense, eyes riveted on Lewis. She knew they’d 9 put on an impressive case, but would that be enough? Judges hated 10 to dismiss on summary judgment, given the risk of reversal. Safer 11 to let the case go to trial and decide it based on the record. 12 As soon as the judge began to speak, she’d felt a tightness in 13 her chest. It seemed to take him forever to get through the litany 14 of facts �" how lives had been ruined, savings lost, sacred trusts 15 violated. No one listening could possibly have doubted his sym-16 pathy for the plaintiffs. 17 Then he’d looked up, paused, and she’d felt a glimmer of hope, 18 a spark that the words he spoke next quickly fanned to light. 19 �śHowever, reprehensible as the conduct is that resulted in 20 plaintiffs’ losses, I find absolutely no legal basis on which to hold 21 United Bank liable. United Bank provided loans to Leverett En-22 terprises, and this money was allegedly used by Leverett as part of 23 a scheme to defraud the plaintiffs. But even if this allegation is 24 proven true, plaintiffs have failed to show that United Bank had 25 any knowledge of the wrongdoing by Leverett, much less any 26 duty to investigate or to notify the plaintiffs. For the foregoing 27 reasons, all counts against United Bank are dismissed.” 28 Melanie kept her face immobile, but inside she was exultant. 29 We won. We won. We won. 30 Half an hour later, she was packing up amid a swirl of congrat-31 ulations. As the senior associate on this case, she’d done the bulk 32 of the work, and she could tell by Tom Mead’s appreciative glances 33 that this fact wasn’t lost on him. She’d be up for partnership in 34 May. Things were looking good. 35 S Then, handing her litigation bag to a junior associate, she 36 R caught a glimpse of the Murphys. While the rows around them 3 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 31 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y had emptied out, the couple hadn’t budged. Of the $150,000 1 they’d invested with Leverett, less than $6,000 remained. Penny 2 Murphy had testified that they’d been told the investments were 3 safe. �śThey knew we were old, that Wilbur was sick, that we 4 couldn’t afford any risk.” Last year, they’d been forced to sell their 5 house. Penny now worked at McDonald’s. Wilbur had had the 6 second heart attack, from which he still hadn’t recovered. For a 7 moment, as Melanie looked at the Murphys, the brightness of the 8 moment faded. What were they going to do? she wondered. How 9 would they manage to live? 10 Tom Mead’s grip was firm and cool as he briefly clasped her 11 hand. �śGood job,” he whispered to Melanie. 12 She smiled a tight smile. �śThanks.” 13 Another glance at the Murphys, but this time it wasn’t so bad. 14 It was terrible what had happened to them, but it wasn’t United 15 Bank’s fault. It was like the judge had said. Their client wasn’t 16 liable. It was Leverett who’d lied to the plaintiffs, and Leverett 17 should pay the price. The problem, of course, as everyone knew, 18 was that Billy Leverett had vanished. Any assets that might re-19 main couldn’t be located. At this point, it would take a miracle 20 for the plaintiffs to get back their money. United Bank had been 21 their last, best hope, and now even that was gone. 22 Still, Melanie reminded herself, it just wasn’t her problem. Her 23 role was to protect her client’s interests, and she’d done that ad-24 mirably. United Bank wasn’t an Enron or WorldCom. Its leaders 25 weren’t corrupt. At most, she thought, they’d shown poor judg-26 ment in getting entangled with Leverett. 27 From court it was on to Le Bernardin, with a coterie of in-28 house lawyers. Melanie ordered tuna carpaccio with a ginger-29 lime mayonnaise. She didn’t order an entree. She wasn’t all that 30 hungry. 31 �śTo Harwich and Young, the best law firm in the city. And es-32 pecially to Tom and Melanie, who’ve been on call day and night.” 33 Harold Linzer, United’s chief in-house lawyer, was raising a 34 champagne flute. He had starched white cuffs and square nails, a S 35 gold signet ring. R 36 3 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 32 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Melanie toyed with her raw tuna, then took a sip of cham-2 pagne. As the sparkly radiance flowed through her body, she let 3 her thoughts drift. For the past six weeks, every waking moment 4 had been consumed with this case. It felt like something of a lux-5 ury to reclaim her mental space. Briefly, she thought about the 6 Murphys again �" Where were they having lunch? �" then, down-7 ing the last of her Veuve Clicquot, she held out her glass for a 8 refill. 9 The afternoon shopping spree had been her reward, and then 10 she’d planned to head home. But the force of habit was too strong, 11 and she’d ended up back at the office. She needed to check her 12 messages and at least go through her mail. Tom Mead had urged 13 her to take a vacation, but she’d politely demurred. With part-14 nership elections on May 22, she needed to stay on the scene. 15 �śDo a little shopping?” Vivian Culpepper stood in the door-16 way, delicate eyebrows arched. Her stylish pale peach pantsuit set 17 off her clear brown skin. 18 Melanie climbed to her feet, smoothing her slim black skirt. 19 She tried to shut the closet door, but something inside it jammed. 20 She reached down to shove back a wayward bag, then managed 21 to force the door shut. 22 �śCongratulations,” Vivian said. �śI hear you guys were amazing.” 23 The two women embraced, Vivian’s exuberant dark brown 24 curls pressed against Melanie’s smooth blonde bob. 25 �śI was going to call you,” Melanie said. �śI just got back to the 26 office.” Vivian was a true friend, one of the few she’d ever had. 27 They’d met at Princeton as freshman roommates and become in-28 separable, the friendship taking root in shared southern origins. 29 Vivian, born and bred in Mississippi, had gone on to Yale Law 30 School, while Melanie, a Nashville native, had opted for UVA. 31 It was funny how they looked alike, despite the difference in race. 32 Both slender, tall, with high cheekbones, large wide-set eyes. As 33 if an artist had painted them as a study in black and white. 34 �śSo what’d Paul say?” Vivian asked once they’d settled in, 35 S Melanie back behind her desk, Vivian seated across. 36 R 3 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 33 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śPaul.” Melanie looked at Vivian guiltily, Paul’s thin, sensitive 1 face floating up through her mind. �śI . . . I haven’t told him yet.” 2 �śYou haven’t told him?” Vivian stared at her. �śYou win a case 3 on summary judgment for one of our biggest clients and you don’t 4 bother to tell your fiancé?” 5 �śIt just happened this morning.” Even to her, it sounded lame. 6 Vivian gave her a shrewd look. �śHoney, if you’ve had time to 7 buy out most of Madison Avenue, you’ve had time to call the guy 8 you’re planning to marry.” 9 �śI will. Call him.” 10 �śYou wanna know what I think?” 11 �śDo I have a choice?” 12 But Vivian had already started. �śThere’s no way you’re going to 13 marry this guy. And the sooner you figure that out, the better for 14 both of you. Paul’s a nice guy, Mel. Why’re you doing this to him? 15 If it’s because of Frank �"” 16 �śFrank? Are you crazy? I left him, remember?” 17 �śI remember.” Vivian looked at her steadily. As if to say, I re-18 member a lot of things. �śSo have you called him back?” 19 Melanie busied herself with the mail. A Legal Aid benefit in-20 vitation. CLE schedules. Her corporate AmEx bill. She dumped 21 the CLE stuff in the wastebasket �" Harwich & Young had its 22 own continuing-ed classes �" and set aside the invitation and 23 bill, starting a pile of things that would need her attention later. 24 �śNo. Of course not,” she said evenly. �śLike I said, I don’t want 25 to talk to him.” 26 �śI think you should call him.” 27 Melanie stared at her. �śAre you serious? You can’t stand Frank.” 28 �śI’m not saying that you should get back together with him. 29 God, I’d never say that. He’s a narcissistic son of a bitch. But I 30 don’t think you know that yet. Maybe if you saw him again, if you 31 talked to him face-to-face, you’d get to the point where you could 32 finally see him for what he is. Until that happens, you’re still go-33 ing to be hung up on him. And you’ll keep stringing on these per-34 fectly decent guys who you couldn’t care less about. Whose main S 35 R 36 3 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 34 A M Y G U T M A N 1 attraction is that they aren’t Frank Collier and that you’re not in 2 love with them.” 3 �śThat’s ridiculous. Why would I want to marry someone I’m 4 not in love with?” 5 �śLike I said, you don’t want to marry Paul.” 6 Melanie rolled her eyes, raised her hands in defeat. She was 7 still too high off today’s victory to let Vivian get to her. 8 �śThank you, Dr. Freud. And now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to 9 get through a couple of days’ worth of mail so I can get home. I’ve 10 gotten about four hours of sleep in the past two days.” 11 With Vivian out of the office, Melanie got down to work. A 12 Princeton alumni mailing. The City Bar Association newsletter. 13 Draft motions from local counsel in a products liability case. She 14 was almost halfway through when she came to an unstamped 15 white envelope, her name typed on the front. She ripped through 16 the flap with a letter opener, pulled out a single white sheet. 17 Happy Anniversary, Melanie. I haven’t forgotten you. 18 She stared at the words for several seconds. Even without a sig-19 nature, she had no doubt whom it came from. But why? That was 20 the question. Why was he doing this? She felt like an insect stuck 21 on a pin, unable to escape. It was bad enough that he’d left that 22 message last week when she’d told him not to call. All she’d 23 asked was that he leave her alone. Was it really so difficult? It cer-24 tainly hadn’t seemed so during the years that they were married. 25 But trust Frank Collier to make an appearance at the worst of all 26 possible times. Like last week, when she’d needed to focus on 27 preparing for today’s hearing. And today, when she deserved to 28 be happy, savoring this morning’s victory. 29 Happy Anniversary, Melanie. I haven’t forgotten you. 30 The words seemed to mock her. She hadn’t failed at many 31 things, but her marriage had been a disaster. She sometimes felt 32 as if all of her successes were consolation prizes, attempts some-33 how to compensate for the love she’d never have. Then, sternly, 34 she stopped herself, silenced the creeping self-pity. Her life was 35 S not unusual. Marriage, betrayal, divorce. Nothing that hadn’t been 36 R 3 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 35 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y experienced by thousands of women before her. Hundreds of thou-1 sands. Millions. Important to keep perspective. And, she reminded 2 herself, many had it much worse. She was lucky to have a suc-3 cessful career, more money than she could spend. And of course 4 there was Paul Freeman, the man she planned to marry. 5 Paul. 6 She really did need to call him. Vivian was right. She also 7 needed to ask him about that cocktail party this week. Was it to-8 morrow or the day after? She glanced at her flip-page calendar, 9 still turned to Tuesday’s date. Today was, what,Thursday? Right. 10 Thursday, April 6. 11 Thursday, April 6. 12 It was like she’d been slugged. They’d gotten married on De-13 cember 17. Frank was more than three months late. Just when 14 she’d thought he couldn’t hurt her more, he managed to twist the 15 knife deeper. 16 Happy Anniversary. 17 And he couldn’t even get the date right. 18 She welcomed the blast of anger, how it clarified her percep-19 tions. Pressing her lips together, she picked up the sheet of paper. 20 She folded it once, ripped it in half, then tore the pieces in two. 21 It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. 22 Frank Collier, you’re out of my life. 23 24 h 25 Curled in a wooden deck chair, bundled in a heavy parka, Diane 26 Massey stared out over cliffs and dull gray sea. A cold gust 27 whipped her face, and she burrowed deeper into her sweater. One 28 thing she hadn’t remembered was how long the Maine winters 29 lasted. But cold as it was out here on the porch, she didn’t want 30 to go inside. Back to the cluttered dining room table piled with 31 manuscript pages. Back to the tortured confusion of the story she 32 couldn’t tell. 33 She’d always been a disciplined writer, meeting deadlines with 34 practiced ease. Her true-crime books were read by millions, ea-S 35 R 36 3 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 36 A M Y G U T M A N 1 gerly anticipated. Eight consecutive New York Times bestsellers, 2 and she’d never once been late. But, from the start, this project 3 had been different, plagued by repeated setbacks. 4 For months, she’d struggled in her New York apartment, trying 5 to find a rhythm. But the more she worked, the more confused 6 she got. Something wasn’t working. For the first time in her writ-7 ing career, she’d begun to avoid her desk. Started to accept the 8 dinner invitations she’d never had time for before. Even took 9 to answering the phone during the time she’d blocked out for 10 writing. 11 Her subject was Winnie Dandridge, the Houston socialite killer, 12 a charming woman who paid her mobster lover to knock off her 13 wealthy husband. The pair’s ties to organized crime had caused 14 Diane some concern. Especially after two anonymous letters 15 warned her off writing the book. And it wasn’t just the issue of 16 safety, though that preyed on her mind. There were problems 17 with the story itself, in how she wanted to tell it. 18 Then, suddenly, March was almost over, her June 1 deadline 19 looming. It was then that she’d thought of Maine, of her parents’ 20 house on Blue Peek Island. The island would be all but deserted, 21 the perfect place to work. Just a handful of year-round residents, 22 mainly fishermen. Three days later, she was packed and gone. 23 Only two people knew where she was, her editor and her agent. 24 She’d arrived in Maine about a week ago, determined to get 25 down to work. But much to her chagrin she’d found that the 26 change of scene wasn’t helping. She took long walks, stared at 27 the sea, and worried about her deadline. Every afternoon at five, 28 she ran a three-mile loop, the daily ritual reminding her how lit-29 tle she’d accomplished. She’d mastered the art of excuses, blam-30 ing circumstances. Light had become an obsession, its absence or 31 profusion. During the day, she blamed the bright sunlight; at 32 night, she blamed the darkness. 33 Of course, she knew deep down that this was all in her mind. 34 If she’d really wanted to work, nothing would have stopped her. 35 S She’d worked under far worse conditions for many, many years. 36 R Once she’d written all night in a motel room while a couple made 3 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 37 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y love next door, their cries and moans mingling in her mind with 1 those of the story’s victims. Death and sex. Sex and death. How 2 often they came together, the explosion of hate following love in 3 some sort of cosmic dance. She’d written in a sort of trance, for-4 getting where she was. Then there were the years of reporting, 5 when she’d written in a noise-filled newsroom, colleagues on the 6 telephone, editors screaming for copy. No, if she were ready to 7 work, the words would be right there. 8 In the distance she saw the ferry chugging back to the main-9 land. She might as well pick up the mail now, get that out of the 10 way. 11 The post office was just down the street, a demure white clap-12 board structure with a sprightly American flag. Nothing had 13 changed since childhood, when she’d spent her summers here. 14 She remembered waiting at the counter for stamps, unable to see 15 the top. 16 A bell tinkled as she opened the door. 17 �śI’m still sorting, Diane. It’ll be at least ten minutes.” Jenny 18 Ward, a sturdy island native, was a few years younger than Diane. 19 She’d taken over as postmistress when her mother retired. 20 �śThat’s okay. I’ll wait.” The room was bright and warm, smelling 21 of coffee and glue. Rows of small brass-fitted boxes lined the long 22 front wall. Diane sat on a wooden stool tucked beneath a win-23 dow. 24 �śSo how’s the book going?” Behind the counter Jenny was 25 working, her hands flying through the mail. 26 �śOh . . . it’s okay.” Diane’s lips curved in the same false smile 27 she smiled at her friends in New York. 28 �śWell, I hope you finish it fast ’cause I can’t wait to read it. I 29 don’t know how you write all those words, I really don’t.” 30 Neither do I, Diane thought. Believe me. Neither do I. 31 Jenny kept up a stream of chatter, a running commentary on is-32 land life. Lobster season. A new baby. Last year’s property tax in-33 crease. She seemed so utterly at ease with her life. Diane envied 34 that. Though at this moment she might have envied anyone who S 35 didn’t have to write a book. R 36 3 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 38 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śHere you go.” 2 Jenny handed her FedEx packets from her editor and her 3 agent. 4 Diane turned to her editor’s packet first, quickly ripping it 5 open. Inside were three smaller envelopes in a range of soft pas-6 tels. Pale pink. Pale blue. White. They reminded her of Easter 7 eggs. A note was clipped to the stack in Marianne’s familiar 8 scrawl: �śLooks like fan mail,” she wrote. �śThought you could use 9 a boost.” Diane smiled, though a bit uneasily, reminding herself 10 that Marianne couldn’t know how far behind she really was. 11 Diane opened the pink envelope, skimmed the spidery cursive. 12 �śMy daughter gave me Dreams of Dying and since then I’ve read 13 every one of your books. Are you ever afraid that some of the 14 people you write about might come after you?” 15 The next envelope she opened was white. She unfolded the 16 single thin white sheet and read the short typed message. 17 Happy Anniversary, Diane. I haven’t forgotten you. 18 Happy Anniversary? 19 Puzzled, she turned the paper over, looking for an explanation. 20 There was her AA anniversary, of course, but that was months 21 away. Again, she looked at the envelope. No postmark or return 22 address. Maybe she should call Marianne, find out where it came 23 from. For now she stuck the mail in her purse. She’d open the rest 24 at home. 25 She said good-bye to Jenny and headed up the road. Between 26 buildings she glimpsed the flat sea against the backdrop of sky. 27 Mild cramps pinched her stomach. She’d been drinking too 28 much bad coffee. While she’d brought out a stash of French 29 Roast, it didn’t taste the same. The old aluminum percolator 30 worked a curious alchemy, transforming the beans’ dark richness 31 to something sharp and bitter. 32 Longingly she thought of her home in New York, the lights, 33 the traffic, the noise. She lived in a loft in Tribeca, a sun-34 drenched open space. On an ordinary day, she’d have breakfasted 35 S at Le Pain Quotidien. She could almost taste the flaky croissant, 36 R the bowl of caffe latte. After a few hours at her desk, she’d have 3 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 39 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y headed off to the gym. Worked out with Bob, her personal 1 trainer, maybe had a massage. Back home, the mail would have 2 arrived, with its cache of invitations. Book signings and film 3 openings. Requests to come and speak. She had a life in New 4 York, friends and dinners and parties. All those distractions she’d 5 come to escape seemed endlessly alluring. 6 Back at the house, she went straight to her desk and forced 7 herself to sit down. Keep your butt in the chair. No more procrasti-8 nating. She worked for a couple of hours, then made a tuna fish 9 sandwich �" a far cry from the take-out sushi she’d have picked 10 up back home. Sandwich in hand she returned to her desk and 11 continued to work as she ate. 12 By three o’clock, she was amazed to find that she’d written 13 more than two thousand words. She stuck another log in the 14 woodstove, then printed out the new pages. At her desk, she 15 reread what she’d written that day, making penciled notations in 16 the margins. It was good, much better than she’d thought. 17 When she next looked up it was almost five. A solid day’s work. 18 The best she’d done in months. Standing up, Diane stretched her 19 legs, then headed upstairs to change. She tied back her hair, 20 pulled on a hat, dropped her necklace under her shirt. On im-21 pulse, she picked up the phone and dialed a New York number. 22 Her editor’s assistant picked up. 23 �śHi, Kaylie? It’s Diane. Is Marianne around?” 24 �śSorry, Diane. She’s in a meeting. Anything I can do?” 25 �śNo. Well. Actually, I was wondering . . . I just got the mail 26 you forwarded, and there was a letter, something without a return 27 address. It must have been dropped off. Anyway, I was trying to 28 figure out who it was from.” 29 A pause. �śOh. Yeah. Someone dropped it off in reception. I 30 don’t have a name, though. If you want, I can check to see if they 31 have a record down there.” 32 �śGreat. That would be great.” Diane heard phones ringing in 33 the background, someone calling down a hallway. �śOne more 34 thing. Do you know when it came in?” S 35 �śSure, let’s see.” A flipping of pages. �śWe got it yesterday.” R 36 3 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 40 A M Y G U T M A N 1 After she hung up, Diane grabbed a Polartec jacket and headed 2 outside for her daily run. Every day her route was the same. Up 3 Harbor Road, the main island thoroughfare, then off toward Car-4 son’s Cove. Down a spruce-shaded dirt path, past Fischer’s aban-5 doned boatyard, then onto the rocky promontory that ran along 6 the water. 7 She always felt better once she started to run, and today was no 8 exception. The wind rustled in the tall old trees; empty sky arced 9 above. It was easy to lose perspective, to forget how lucky she 10 was. She found herself thinking about Nashville, the place where 11 it all began. Remembering the chance meeting from which every-12 thing had followed. From the vantage point of where she sat, it 13 could seem inevitable. But when she was honest, she had to ad-14 mit how much she owed to luck. 15 Her first job was at Nashville’s morning paper, general assign-16 ment reporting. Weather stories and car crashes. Filling in at school 17 board meetings. Tedious in retrospect but exciting at the time. Of 18 course, she hadn’t stood a chance of covering the Gage trial. 19 That plum had gone to Bryce Watkins, the paper’s veteran court 20 reporter. But like readers everywhere, she’d been riveted by the 21 story, mesmerized by the drama unfolding in the Davidson County 22 Courthouse. She read every word she could get her hands on, 23 pumped Watkins for information. A couple of times, she played 24 hooky from work to watch parts of the trial. 25 Still, she would have stayed on the sidelines if it hadn’t been 26 for Laura Seton. They met at an AA meeting at a church in 27 downtown Nashville. Because she was seated at the side of the 28 room, she saw Laura walk in, watched her slip quietly into a seat 29 in the very last row of chairs. Despite the dark glasses and hat, Di-30 ane recognized her. She lost all track of what was being said as 31 she concentrated on Laura, wondering how she might approach 32 without scaring her off. She had a brief tussle in her mind about 33 the ethics of this maneuver, knowing that she’d be taking advan-34 tage of Laura’s vulnerability. But even as she argued with herself, 35 S she knew what she had to do. Gage’s former girlfriend was the 36 R 4 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 41 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y prosecution’s star witness. An exclusive interview with Laura Se-1 ton would be the story of a lifetime. 2 At the end of the meeting, she rushed forward, caught Laura 3 on the steps of the church. �śYou looked upset,” she babbled. �śI 4 wanted to give you my number. If you ever want to talk, call me 5 anytime.” She handed Laura a piece of paper with her home 6 number scribbled on it. 7 Laura was looking down. �śThanks,” she muttered softly. She 8 stuffed the paper into a pocket and quickly turned away. After 9 that, weeks passed, but Laura didn’t return. Not that Diane was 10 really surprised; it happened all the time. A newcomer checked 11 out a meeting or two, then went back to drinking. 12 Steven Gage’s trial continued. 13 The night after he was sentenced, Diane awoke to a ringing 14 phone sometime after 2 a.m. 15 �śI need to talk,” Laura said, sobbing, the words barely audible. 16 �śI’m sorry, but I had your number. I didn’t . . . know who to call.” 17 Diane rushed over to Laura’s apartment, where she dumped 18 out half-empty bottles of vodka, then listened as Laura talked. 19 For hours, the words poured out in a self-lacerating stream. Laura 20 seemed to assume that Diane knew who she was. Either that or, 21 because of the booze, she wasn’t thinking clearly. 22 �śI loved him so much,” Laura said, weeping. �śAnd even 23 with . . . everything that’s happened, I still do. Love him. I can’t 24 believe I’ve done this. I’ve killed the man I love.” 25 �śYou didn’t kill him, Laura. You had to tell the truth.” She said 26 the words mechanically, patting Laura’s shoulder. One part of her 27 present, comforting, another part taking notes. Her mind was al-28 ready on overdrive, thinking about the book. 29 More than ten years later, she was slightly appalled by the am-30 bitious young woman she’d been. Appalled but also grateful. While 31 all her later books had been bestsellers, her first had been a smash. 32 Eight years after its initial publication, The Vanishing Man was 33 still in print, having sold millions of copies in twenty-three lan-34 guages. S 35 R 36 4 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 42 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Diane had emerged from the woods and was back on Harbor 2 Road. She ran past a timeworn wooden barn caving in on itself. 3 She was thinking about what to make for dinner; she didn’t have 4 much at the house. Maybe pasta with red sauce, something sim-5 ple and quick. Then she’d go back to work until it was time for 6 bed. If she could keep up today’s momentum, she might even 7 meet her deadline. Today was, what? April 6. She had almost two 8 months left. If she could just �" 9 Happy Anniversary, Diane. I haven’t forgotten you. 10 A thought ricocheted through Diane’s mind, the present and 11 past colliding. She glanced at the date on her Cartier watch. To-12 day was April 6. If the letter came yesterday, as Kaylie said, that 13 meant it had arrived on April 5. It was a date that stuck in her 14 mind, a date she’d never forget. Odd how she’d been thinking of 15 him just before she made the connection. As if her subconscious, 16 leaping ahead, had already found the link. 17 April 5, five years ago. 18 The date of Steven Gage’s execution. 19 h 20 21 That night, Callie was relieved to find that Anna was in good 22 spirits. Between two helpings of roast chicken, she chattered 23 about Harry Potter, seeming to have entirely forgotten their 24 breakfast confrontation. 25 �śMommy, don’t you think Henry looks sort of like Harry Potter?” 26 �śYeah, I think he does.” 27 �śExcept he’s not a wizard.” 28 �śYou never know, Anna.” 29 �śMommy, if you went to Hogwarts, what house would you 30 want to be in? If you couldn’t be in Gryffindor?” 31 �śBut I want to be in Gryffindor,” Callie said playfully. That was 32 Harry’s house. 33 �śBut . . . you can’t. So which one?” 34 �śWell . . .” Callie made a show of serious consideration. �śI 35 S wouldn’t want to be in Slytherin, of course.” 36 R Anna looked approving. 4 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 43 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śMaybe Ravenclaw. Isn’t that Cho’s house?” 1 �śUh-huh.” 2 �śI could be friends with her.” 3 It was one of the nicest evenings they’d had in quite a while. 4 Not until she’d tucked Anna into bed did Callie realize how 5 tired she was. Lately, she’d had to put in overtime at the Wind-6 ham alumni office. The Fifth Reunion directory was overdue at 7 the printer’s, and with Debbie Slater on maternity leave, it was 8 just her and Martha. The student intern they’d managed to snag 9 wasn’t helping matters. Her name was Posy �" Posy Kisch �" but 10 they called her Kabuki Girl. She wore white pancake makeup 11 and red lipstick. This week her hair was green. On a good day she 12 called when she planned to skip work. Most days she didn’t 13 bother. 14 Regardless of how tired she felt, she had to get some reading 15 done. Leaving the dishes in the sink to soak, Callie went straight 16 to her desk. After months of trial and error, she’d found this was 17 the only way. She turned on her halogen desk lamp and pulled 18 out a syllabus. Now You See It, Now You Don’t: Unconscious Trans-19 ference and Mistaken Identity. Riffling through a stack of articles, 20 she found the one she needed. 21 As Callie’s eyes moved across the page, the world seemed to 22 fade away. They were studying memory, and the material intrigued 23 her. Eyewitness testimony, the author wrote, was heavily relied 24 on by juries. A single credible eyewitness could put a defendant 25 behind bars. And yet time and again, sworn witness accounts had 26 proven false. �śIn some instances victims lie, but many more are 27 simply mistaken. Far too little attention is paid to the vagaries of 28 memory.” 29 A tapping somewhere at the back of her mind, the past paying 30 a visit. 31 Things she remembered or thought she did. 32 Things she’d prefer to forget. 33 She finished the introductory section and moved on to the 34 rest, the case studies the author used to demonstrate his thesis. In S 35 the first, a ticket agent pointed to a sailor as the man who’d R 36 4 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 44 A M Y G U T M A N 1 robbed him at gunpoint. But the totally innocent sailor had an 2 alibi. It was later discovered that the sailor had bought tickets in 3 the past. It was simply because he looked familiar that he’d been 4 picked from the lineup. In a second example, a psychologist stood 5 accused of rape, again having been selected by the victim from a 6 lineup. But at the very moment the rape was occurring, the psy-7 chologist was live on TV. The explanation? The victim had been 8 watching the program when she was assaulted, and the memory 9 of what she’d seen on screen had apparently merged with the 10 rape. Another classic case of unconscious transference, a glitch 11 in memory. 12 Unconscious transference. 13 Callie wrote down the words. She stared at the phrase for an-14 other few moments, thinking through what she’d read. 15 Far too little attention is paid to the vagaries of memory . . . 16 Far too little attention. Maybe. 17 But sometimes far too much. 18 She’d like to know more about these witnesses, so confident 19 and unyielding. Was there a personality type especially prone to 20 making such mistakes? Or how about another type, who con-21 stantly doubts herself? Who knows exactly what she’s seen yet re-22 fuses to acknowledge it? She herself would fall in this second 23 group, of that she was sure. Asked to identify someone, she would 24 be plagued with doubts. However confident she might feel, a 25 small part of her would wonder. She thought of a girl named 26 Laura Seton, recalled her haunted eyes, pictured her on the stand 27 at trial, pointing at Steven Gage. She thought of Sharon Adams, 28 Dahlia Schuyler’s friend. Even at the time, she’d reflexively won-29 dered how you knew for sure. Wasn’t there always that shade of 30 doubt that whispered you might be wrong? 31 Over the years, she’d taught herself to push certain facts aside. 32 It was a skill she’d carefully cultivated, a tool she’d used to sur-33 vive. First she’d done it for her daughter; later, for herself. For 34 years, the habit had served her well, and she’d never questioned 35 S it. Only now did it occur to her that the strategy had its draw-36 R backs. The note she’d found in the door last night, she’d pushed 4 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 45 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y it from her mind. Now she forced herself to take it out of the desk 1 drawer where she’d stowed it. 2 Happy Anniversary, Rosamund. I haven’t forgotten you. 3 Callie picked up a spiral notebook and turned to an empty 4 page. Licking her lips, she stared at its blankness, thinking where 5 to begin. 6 Who could have left the note? 7 That was the obvious question. 8 It had to be someone who knew where she was, someone de-9 termined to find her. 10 Through the window over her desk, Callie stared into the 11 night at the delicate black-lace tree limbs arced against the sky. 12 Across the street, a single light burned in a second-floor window, 13 while Bernie Creighton’s black Mercedes loomed in the shad-14 owed driveway. She’d already checked the doors and windows. 15 Set the household alarm. And yet, when the wind rustled 16 through the leaves, she imagined she saw someone. 17 Impulsively, Callie got up and reached toward the window to 18 yank down the bamboo shade. It fell with an explosive clatter, 19 blocking out the night. She took a deep breath and sat back 20 down, willing herself to calm. Again, she turned to the blank 21 white page with its pale blue lines. It wasn’t just a question of 22 who, it was also a question of why. Why would someone have 23 done this, left this note in her door? What would be the purpose? 24 What would they hope to gain? 25 Money, maybe. Blackmail. 26 Or possibly revenge. 27 For an instant, the thought danced through her mind, sharp 28 and bright with danger. Then, firmly, she told herself that it 29 wasn’t, couldn’t be, true. Steven Gage was dead. 30 Unless . . . 31 A new thought pushed through her brain, horrifying in its logic. 32 He could have planned it before. He could have set it up. 33 The idea was like an electric charge, surging through her body. 34 The moment it occurred to her, she knew that it was true. At S 35 first, she felt as if she’d lost her breath. Her thoughts flew in all di-R 36 4 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 46 A M Y G U T M A N 1 rections. Then, slowly her mind began to clear, leaving her with 2 questions. 3 Who would he have recruited? 4 Who would have agreed? 5 The response was almost immediate: She thought of Lester 6 Crain. 7 What had happened with Steven Gage and Lester Crain had 8 been the ultimate outrage, a final insult to the grieving families 9 left behind by both of their victims. Crain, a rapist and murderer, 10 was a scrawny, tough-talking punk. He was just seventeen when 11 he committed the murder for which he was sentenced to die, the 12 gruesome torture-killing of a runaway teenage girl. After repeat-13 edly raping his victim, Crain strung her from the ceiling, tore off 14 her nipples with a pair of pliers, and injected her vagina with 15 bleach. By the time he finished with her, what was left was barely 16 human. But the source of Crain’s notoriety wasn’t just his crime. 17 It stemmed from the cassette tape he’d kept of his victim’s ago-18 nized screams. 19 Gage and Crain met on Tennessee’s death row and quickly 20 forged an alliance. Gage was already a living legend; Crain be-21 came his disciple. The incredible course of events that followed 22 began in the prison library, where Gage had honed his legal skills 23 as a practicing jailhouse lawyer. With Gage’s help Crain won a 24 new trial, convincing a judge that the torture tape heard by the 25 jury had been obtained in an unconstitutional search. Later, at a 26 press conference, Crain gleefully announced that he owed this 27 second chance to Steven Gage. He’d do his best, he promised, to 28 repay the favor someday. 29 That part was bad enough, but it wasn’t close to the end. 30 While awaiting his second trial, Lester Crain escaped from 31 prison. The uproar provoked by Crain’s flight didn’t let up for 32 months. In addition to the Tennessee murder, he was a suspect in 33 other crimes. Two brutal Texas rape-murders. Another in south 34 Florida. Fueling the fear were experts’ predictions that Crain 35 S would kill again. Sexual psychopaths like Crain, they said, didn’t 36 R simply stop. 4 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 47 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y For months, then years, the nation waited for Crain to pop up 1 somewhere. But as time passed, it seemed more and more likely 2 that one of three things must have happened. Lester Crain could 3 have died or become incapacitated. The third possibility was that 4 he’d managed to flee the country. Crain had spent several dis-5 solute years prowling the Texas border, living with his alcoholic 6 father outside El Paso. The hardest part would have been making 7 it from Tennessee to Texas. But if Crain had somehow reached 8 the border, he could easily have slipped across. 9 All of this was far in the past, seven, eight years ago. But if 10 Crain was alive, he had to be somewhere. Could he be here, in 11 Merritt? 12 Abruptly, Callie stood up, adrenaline flooding her body. She 13 had an overpowering urge to speak to another person. Rick was 14 probably asleep by now, but she couldn’t stop herself. Her hand 15 curled around the phone as she punched in his number. After four 16 rings, the machine picked up, and she heard his recorded voice. 17 She almost left a message, then changed her mind and hung up. 18 The box was high on a closet shelf, behind a row of shoes. 19 She climbed onto a step stool and reached up to take it down. 20 Sitting on the bedroom floor, she placed the box between her 21 legs. It looked like one of the dozens of boxes she kept in her 22 Windham office, a simple white container for the storage of file 23 folders. For a moment she stared at the cardboard lid, covered 24 with a layer of dust. She thought fleetingly of Pandora and that 25 other mythical box. But keeping the lid on her own box wouldn’t 26 keep her safe. The thing she feared was out there somewhere. It 27 couldn’t be contained. 28 The contents of the box were tightly packed: File folders. 29 Notebooks. Snapshots. She carefully pulled out items and placed 30 them on the floor. A file of yellowed newspaper clippings. A 31 small blue spiral notebook. Her stomach clenched at the sight of 32 letters in a strong sloping hand. She sat for a moment staring, al-33 most afraid to touch them. 34 The box was almost empty when she found what she was lookS 35 ing for. As she pulled out the book, she averted her eyes from the R 36 4 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 48 A M Y G U T M A N 1 picture on the cover. She didn’t want to see his face. Not now. At 2 least not yet. She saw that the binding was coming loose, shrink-3 ing away from the pages. Careful not to loosen them, she flipped 4 to the title page. 5 6 The Vanishing Man: The Secret Life of Serial Sex Killer Steven Gage 7 By Diane Massey 8 9 Slowly, she turned to the first chapter, the familiar opening 10 lines. 11 12 In the months before his arrest in Nashville, Tennessee, Steven Gage 13 roamed the country. There was something frenzied in his travels, which 14 often took place at a moment’s notice for no apparent reason. From 15 Boston to San Francisco to Miami, then back to Boston again. From 16 Nashville to Phoenix to Burlington. From Charlotte to Indianapolis. 17 When the evidence was pieced together �" the gasoline receipts purchased 18 with stolen credit cards, the plane tickets bought under assumed names �" 19 it would turn out that he covered more than 30,000 miles in those final 20 desperate six months. And everywhere he went, women died . . . 21 22 Minutes passed. Callie read on, her eyes skating over the 23 pages. Each line, each word, each image, cast her into the past. 24 25 Looking back, it would seem astonishing that he could have escaped de-26 tection. He drove his own car, often used his own name, moved easily in 27 the daylight. Later, some would speculate that he’d actually wished to be 28 caught. And yet, for at least a decade, Gage killed with impunity. Even 29 witnesses he’d spoken to were hard-pressed to describe him. All agreed that 30 he was tall, handsome, but no one could say much more. Good-looking 31 yet eminently forgettable, the perfect disguise for a killer. He didn’t need to 32 wear a mask. His own face served that function. He glided into his victims’ 33 worlds, taking them with him when he left. Even when the bodies were 34 found, he left no trace of himself. No hair. No fibers. No fingerprints. 35 S They called him the Vanishing Man. 36 R 4 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 49 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y It all washed over her, again, the horror of what he’d done. 1 And it wasn’t just the victims but those they’d left behind. Now, 2 with a child of her own, she found the pain past imagining. 3 She thought of Dahlia Schuyler’s family, the families of all the 4 others, dozens, hundreds, of broken lives, never to be the same. 5 She thought of Dahlia’s younger brother, who blamed himself for 6 her death, believing that if he hadn’t been late to meet her, 7 Dahlia could have been saved. And all the other lives snuffed 8 out, the endless list of names. Fanny Light. Clara Flanders. Dana 9 Koppleman. Dozens of young, beautiful women, with long, straight 10 blonde hair. 11 It happened slowly, not all at once, but something inside her 12 was changing. Beneath the turmoil of her racing thoughts, some-13 thing was growing clear. A belief that she could do what it took 14 to protect the life she’d built. 15 Slowly, she closed the book and stared at the face on the cover. 16 She forced herself to study it, refused to look away. Bulging eyes, 17 distended veins, teeth bared in rage. She wasn’t frightened any-18 more, just filled with a sense of purpose. Gazing at the book, she 19 whispered, �śThis time, you’re not going to win.” 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 4 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 50 Monday, April 10 T 1 h e Prada suit fit perfectly. 2 As one of Mr. Lin’s best clients, Melanie had convinced him to 3 complete the alterations on Saturday. Now, heading down the 4 hall toward her office, she sensed the admiring glances. The long 5 black skirt hugged her hips, flaring out slightly at the bottom. 6 The black jacket clung to her body, nipping in at the waist. She 7 felt both armored and seductive, a heady combination. A woman 8 who could afford this suit wasn’t someone you’d want to mess 9 with. She smiled to herself as she walked down the hall. 10 Look, just don’t touch. 11 �śWow. You look great!” 12 �śThanks, Tina.” Melanie smiled at her secretary, turning as she 13 reached her office door. �śListen, I’ve got to take care of some-14 thing. Will you hold my calls for a while?” 15 Closing the door behind her, the smile faded from Melanie’s 16 face. There was a reason she’d worn this suit today. She wanted 17 to feel in control. Outside, twenty-two floors below, traffic streamed 18 down Park Avenue. She watched the scene for a bit, then turned 19 to the phone. It was just after eight-thirty, but Frank got to work 20 early. One of the things they’d had in common. One of the few in 21 the end. 22 �śFrank Collier, please. This is Melanie White.” 23 �śYes, Ms. White. I’ll get him.” The secretary’s voice was unfa-24 miliar, but she obviously knew who Melanie was. Waiting for 25 Frank to come on the line, Melanie wondered what she’d been 26 S told. Can you believe that she left him ? She sounds like a total bitch. 27 R �śHi there, Melanie. Thanks for gettin’ back to me.” The famil-5 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 51 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y iar drawl gave her a queasy feeling. Even hundreds of miles away, 1 Frank Collier filled up a room. She pictured him in his spacious 2 office, with its views of the U.S. Capitol. An imposing six feet 3 four inches, with steel-gray hair, eyes a guileless blue. He’d be 4 leaning back in his leather chair, an easy smile on his face, as if 5 he had absolutely no doubt that he’d end up getting his way. 6 �śSorry it took me a while. I had a summary judgment hearing.” 7 She sounded polite but distant, just as she’d hoped to sound. She 8 had no intention of letting on how much she’d dreaded this call. 9 �śSo how’d it go?” 10 �śGood. We won, actually. The judge ruled from the bench.” 11 The pride in her voice annoyed her. As if she were a cat, drop-12 ping a bird at his feet. Seeking a laying-on of hands from Frank 13 Collier, megalawyer. Maybe it wouldn’t have bugged her so much 14 if it hadn’t been true for so long. 15 �śI’m not surprised, Melanie. You’re a wonderful lawyer.” She 16 heard condescension in his words, but maybe she imagined it. 17 Anyway, it hardly mattered. Time to cut to the chase. 18 �śListen, Frank. You’ve got to stop contacting me. I mean the 19 calls, that note. Enough.” 20 �śThe calls?” He seemed bemused. �śMelanie, I only called you 21 once. When I left a message last week. As for a note, I have no 22 idea what you’re talking about.” 23 �śBut I . . .” Melanie stopped, confused. This was one response 24 she hadn’t anticipated. Who else could the note be from? And 25 yet, why would he want to lie? If he’d sent the note, she couldn’t 26 think why he wouldn’t admit it. 27 And then he was speaking again. �śMelanie, please, believe me. 28 We’re in total accord on that point. I actually called you for a rea-29 son.” 30 A long, pregnant pause, the trademark Collier staging. �śI 31 thought that I should tell you. I’m getting married again.” 32 At first she almost laughed, thinking it was a joke, but the si-33 lence that followed his words told her she was wrong. 34 For an instant, the world around her froze. Time seemed to S 35 stand still. Then everything started moving double-time, and she R 36 5 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 52 A M Y G U T M A N 1 was too angry to speak. You bastard. You fucking bastard. She was 2 tempted to announce her own engagement, to throw that back at 3 him. But even as she felt the urge, she knew that she’d waited too 4 long. Coming on the heels of Frank’s proclamation, hers would 5 smack of defeat. A pathetic attempt to convince him that she 6 was still desirable. If only she’d told him before, but that was 7 wishful thinking. The best that she could do right now was pre-8 tend she didn’t care. 9 �śCongratulations,” she said coolly. �śI hope you’ll be very happy.” 10 h 11 12 Diane Massey was in a foul mood. 13 She typed another few words on her laptop, then stared off 14 into space. It had all started this morning, when she went down 15 to pick up the mail. Jenny had mentioned that a man had come 16 by asking if she was around. He hadn’t wanted to give his name, 17 claimed to be another writer. He too, he’d said, was seeking seclu-18 sion but good to know she was here. No need to mention him, 19 he’d said. He wouldn’t want to intrude. 20 Diane hadn’t bought it. 21 Right away, she’d thought of Warner. 22 They’d broken up more than three months ago, but he hadn’t 23 given up. Back in New York he still called her several times a 24 week, begging for another chance, insisting they needed to talk. 25 These messages, which she never returned, always left her feeling 26 tense. The contrast between who he was and the man she’d 27 thought she’d seen. Jenny’s description had calmed her some-28 what �" Warner didn’t have a beard �" still, just the thought he 29 might have tracked her down had made her distinctly uneasy. 30 She worked fretfully another few hours, but her concentration 31 was gone. She was relieved when five o’clock came. Time for her 32 afternoon run. She grabbed her Walkman on her way out the 33 door, along with a Garbage cassette. Usually, the silence soothed 34 her, but today she wanted noise. Something raucous and angry to 35 S block out the anxious thoughts. 36 R Another monochromatic day. A study in shades of gray. Slate-5 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 53 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y gray water. Bleached gray sky. Tall charcoal trees. Almost impos-1 sible to believe that spring would come, let alone the brightness 2 of summer. She watched a car approach but barely heard its roar, 3 the blaring music on her headphones erasing all other sound. 4 As she turned down the dirt road that led to Carson’s Cove, 5 the woods closed in on her. Spindly fir trees, impossibly tall, layer 6 upon layer of them. On most days, running raised her spirits, but 7 today it didn’t happen. The thing that bugged her most was the 8 imminent sense of intrusion. It was probably a little irrational. 9 She didn’t own the island. But she couldn’t escape the prickly 10 feeling of being imposed upon. It was exactly the sort of thing 11 she’d argued about with Warner. He’d never been able to under-12 stand her need to be alone. But she wouldn’t think about that. 13 There didn’t seem to be an answer. In the end, the choice was al-14 ways the same: work or love. Not both. 15 For a time, she’d thought that Warner was different. The ex-16 ception that proved the rule. He worked so much himself, she’d 17 thought they might reach an understanding. But finally even 18 he’d grown angry, wanting more from her. In the end, like all the 19 others, he’d wanted to be taken care of. 20 There was always that stark moment when she saw that it 21 wouldn’t work. It always came in a sudden flash that caught her 22 by surprise. She imagined it would be a gradual thing emerging 23 over time, a slow accretion of evidence, like building a case at 24 trial. But as far as she could remember, it never happened like 25 that. Instead, there was that single moment when everything 26 crystallized. 27 In every relationship, she could pinpoint precisely when it 28 happened. With Don Bishop, the cardiologist, it had come after 29 dinner one night. He’d looked around, bemused, at her library, 30 and said, �śThink you’ve got enough books?” With Phil Brooks, 31 the turning point had been when he’d left the message, �śIt’s 32 me.” It wasn’t the words so much as the tone, the fatuous self-33 absorption. Right then she’d stopped returning his calls, and 34 finally, he’d given up. S 35 With Warner the moment had come the first time he’d raised R 36 5 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 54 A M Y G U T M A N 1 his voice. Her mind slipped back to that final night, the last time 2 they’d seen each other. They’d had dinner at Raoul’s, around the 3 corner from her loft. Even then she’d sensed something dark, a 4 current beneath the surface. Between bites of steak au poivre 5 she’d thought about saying something. Then, back at her apart-6 ment, they’d had that terrible fight. 7 Now she was on the narrow path leading to the water. But just 8 as she caught the first glimpse of sea, a blow struck her from be-9 hind. Breath flew out of her lungs. Her only thought was, Whaaa? 10 As she watched her body fly through the air, her reaction was 11 pure surprise. It might be good or bad. She really wasn’t sure. She 12 tried to break the fall with her hands, but she wasn’t fast enough. 13 Her face smashed into the earth, and her mind seemed to im-14 plode. There was a moment before the pain hit, when everything 15 went still. Then, as if someone had hit a switch, sensation flooded 16 her body. Tendrils of pain rushed through her. Everything seemed 17 to blur. Her mind, her body, the sky, the earth �" none of it made 18 sense. 19 Somewhere dimly above her, she heard the sound of breathing. 20 Her nails dug into the hard dirt path as she struggled to climb 21 to her knees. But just as she raised herself onto an elbow, a foot 22 pressed into her back. A foot and behind it a body’s weight. She 23 heard the cracking of bone. She flung out an arm in mute appeal, 24 grasped at empty space. She tried to scream, but she had no breath, 25 and her cry was a soft yelp. Then, the weight bore down on her, 26 knees clamped around her sides. She saw a pair of heavy muscled 27 thighs encased in black denim. She felt something around her 28 neck, twisting slowly tighter. Fear spilled into the pain, and she 29 couldn’t think anymore. She wanted to live, to live. Her lungs 30 fought for air. 31 Hands rolled her roughly onto her back. She was choking and 32 crying at once. Her eyes traveled up past the black shirtsleeves 33 until she saw his face. He didn’t say anything, just looked at her 34 without blinking. Even with the beard, she recognized him. She 35 S never forgot a face. 36 R 5 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 55 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y You, she thought. Why you? 1 She really wanted to know. 2 Then the thing around her neck grew tighter, and she couldn’t 3 breathe again. Above her the wind rustled through the trees, 4 and she was floating toward them. An explosion of colors behind 5 her eyes, and she thought of Dahlia Schuyler. The last thing she 6 thought before the sky went black was, So this is how she felt. 7 8 h 9 He stared at her sprawled on the ground, his heart still heaving 10 from the struggle. He was filled with a sense of exhilaration that 11 he’d never known before. 12 Of all that is written I love only that which is written in blood . . . 13 The words of the great German philosopher bloomed red in his 14 mind. 15 After another second or two, he reluctantly glanced at his 16 watch. The large hand pointed to the number two, the smaller 17 down by six. It took another moment for him to realize that it 18 was just 6:10. Could it really have happened so quickly? It 19 seemed impossible. With a start he wondered if his watch had 20 stopped. What time was it really? 21 It was then that he noticed the gold watchband circling her 22 pale wrist. With a gloved hand he turned over her arm to see the 23 face of the watch. He caught the name Cartier on the watch’s 24 face. Even he knew that name. It must have cost thousands �" 25 five or ten grand �" to the $29.95 he’d paid for his. But the time 26 on both of their watches was the same. He found this satisfying. 27 Timex. Cartier. It didn’t matter. Time was one of the few things 28 in life that was absolutely fair. 29 Life isn’t fair. He’d grown up hearing that. As if it were some-30 thing you had to accept. As if you were powerless. Well, by God, 31 he wasn’t accepting it. He was a man of action. Maybe you 32 couldn’t change the past, but at least you could avenge it. Over 33 the years, he’d come to conclude that people were essentially 34 weak. They’d prefer to whine about what had happened instead S 35 R 36 5 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 56 A M Y G U T M A N 1 of doing what had to be done. They didn’t seek out opportunities, 2 they sought out excuses. How many of them would have had the 3 guts to do what he’d just done? 4 Can you be judge of yourself and avenger of your law? 5 Yes and yes and yes again. And finally, he’d proved it. 6 Again, his eyes drifted to the splayed body, tossed across the 7 path. He’d have liked to stay there for quite some time, letting 8 the image sink in. But even though the island was all but de-9 serted, he couldn’t dispense with caution. He had to finish up 10 with the body, then head back to the boat. He’d brought it in un-11 der cover of night, he’d leave the same way. He needed to stick to 12 his schedule, to take care of things and get out. 13 Formula of my happiness: a Yes, a No, a straight line, a goal. 14 The familiar words echoed in his brain, reminding him of his 15 purpose. He had to wind up his work here, to get back to Merritt 16 in time. 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 5 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 57 Tuesday, April 11 Ca l l i e sat on the side of her bed, picking fuzz balls off her 1 sweater. There was something calming about the task, its total 2 mindlessness. She’d finally cleared the right side and turned now 3 to the left, plucking off the furry bits of wool and flicking them 4 into the trash. When at last she looked up, she felt vaguely dazed. 5 Twenty minutes had passed. 6 She’d been this way for almost a week now. Preoccupied. Dis-7 tracted. The world around her had come to seem more and more 8 unreal. It was at night, as she lay unconscious, that she sensed re-9 ality. The old nightmare returned now almost every night. Steven 10 Gage in the parking lot, his hands exploring her body. The heat 11 of desire, the fear of death, intertwined in sleep. Even worse, the 12 dream was mutating, as if it were a living thing. Sometimes 13 Steven was Lester Crain. Once he’d had Rick’s face. This last 14 shift had appalled her. It had felt like a betrayal. Moments after 15 she’d snapped awake, she’d gone to the toilet and thrown up. 16 She was no closer to deciding what to do than she’d been last 17 week. She’d spent hours on the Internet, seeking news of Lester 18 Crain. But just as she’d thought, there was very little that she 19 didn’t already know. She told herself this was reassuring; he 20 might be dead, after all. All the experts agreed that a killer like 21 Crain wouldn’t have simply stopped. Yet during the years since 22 his escape, no crimes had been linked to him. 23 If only she had someone to talk to, but there was no one now. 24 She thought of her parents back in Indiana, how much older 25 they’d seemed last Christmas, her father’s skin pouched around S 26 his eyes, her mother somehow fragile. After everything she’d put R 27 5 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 58 A M Y G U T M A N 1 them through, she couldn’t dump this on them. Besides, even if 2 she talked to them, what could they possibly do? They’d only worry 3 as they had before, as they had for so many years. And once again 4 they’d be helpless to protect the daughter they loved. Imagining 5 how she’d feel in their place, she was filled with guilt. She couldn’t 6 think of anything worse than fearing your child was in danger. 7 Her older sister, Sarah, had always been her closest confidante. 8 But calm, perfect Sarah now had problems of her own. Sarah and 9 her husband had been sharply hit in the nineties tech-stock crash. 10 Gary had been laid off, and Sarah, a doctor, had gone back to 11 work full-time. She had two young children, one of them autistic, 12 and wanted to be home with them. Instead, the kids were in day 13 care, while Gary looked for work. 14 The only other possibility was her ex-husband, Kevin Thayer. 15 At least he knew the history. She wouldn’t have to explain. 16 Kevin with his round pink face, his smell of Ivory soap. Strange, 17 that of all the options, he was the most appealing. She and Kevin 18 had barely spoken for years. Their divorce had not been smooth. 19 She doubted if he’d forgiven her for walking out on him. Still, at 20 this point, even he had to see that the marriage couldn’t have 21 lasted. And now that he had a new life, he had to be less angry. 22 Last she’d heard, he had a son and a baby on the way. He worked 23 for a Chicago accounting firm. His wife was a stay-at-home mom. 24 There was another reason to call Kevin, of course. Callie thought 25 of Anna. Even if she hadn’t received the note, there was still that 26 conversation. Anna missed her father. That was the simple truth. 27 She owed it to Anna to talk to Kevin, to try to repair the damage. 28 Remorse washed over her as she thought how blind she’d been, 29 how she’d had absolutely no idea what Anna was going through. 30 The fact that she simply hadn’t known didn’t seem like an ex-31 cuse. She should have suspected something. She should have 32 thought to ask. 33 Kevin’s number wasn’t in her Filofax. She had it somewhere 34 locked in a file drawer along with her divorce decree. Squatting 35 S by the drawer, she flipped through folders, then finally pulled 36 R one out. 5 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 59 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y The notepad page where she’d scribbled his number was yel-1 lowed and dry with age. How long ago had she written it down? 2 Was it even good anymore? She stared at the digits, uncertain, 3 pondering what to do. 4 It would be so easy to pick up the phone, simply to place the 5 call. But once she’d taken that step, there was no going back. 6 Maybe she should at least put it off until Anna wasn’t home. 7 What if Anna overheard? Or happened to pick up the phone? 8 Rick, too, that was another thing. He’d be getting back tonight. 9 He’d be over in just a couple of hours, and she needed to shower 10 and dress. 11 Not a sound from Anna’s room. Callie wondered what she was 12 doing. Restless, she finally stood up and went into the hallway. 13 As she knocked on Anna’s door, Callie noticed that the sign 14 was gone. 15 A rustle from inside. �śCome in,” Anna called. 16 Automatically, Callie’s eyes moved to the bed, but Anna wasn’t 17 there. Instead, she was at her computer, her eyes glued to the 18 screen. The clothes that had covered the monitor were now piled 19 high on a chair. Anna was staring at the screen, her hand glued 20 to the mouse. 21 Callie stepped up behind her. 22 �śWait, okay?” said Anna. She was staring at a square filled with 23 brightly colored boxes that were rapidly disappearing. A click of 24 the mouse and a box was gone. Finally, none was left. 25 A celebratory burst of canned music. 26 �śThere,” Anna said. 27 �śWhatcha doing?” Callie asked. 28 �śJust this game Henry showed me.” 29 �śSomething on the Internet?” 30 �śNo, it’s on a disk.” 31 Good, Callie thought. But didn’t say anything. She’d limited 32 Anna’s AOL access to the kids-only areas. Still, she worried 33 about who might be lurking in those so-called kids’ chat rooms. 34 She’d stressed to Anna the importance of abiding by strict ground S 35 rules. Never give out your real name. Never say where you live. Tell R 36 5 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 60 A M Y G U T M A N 1 me right away if anyone wants to meet you. She’d have liked to bar 2 Anna from the Internet, but the kids all had AOL. 3 �śHomework done?” 4 �śMah-um. ” It was the two-syllable version. 5 �śWell?” 6 �śYeah. You want to see it?” Chin thrust out, defiant. 7 �śThat’s okay. I trust you.” 8 �śNo you don’t,” said Anna. �śIf you trusted me, you wouldn’t 9 ask. It’s like you have to be with me every second. I mean, all 10 weekend, I had to do stuff with you. The whole weekend.” 11 It was true, Callie thought. She’d been more protective than 12 usual, wanting Anna close by at all times. But something pushed 13 her to deny it, an impulse of normality. 14 �śThat’s not true,” she said. �śWhat about Sunday? You spent the 15 afternoon at the Creightons’.” 16 �śYou still came over twice. ” 17 �śI needed to talk to Henry’s mother.” 18 �śWhy? You don’t even like her.” 19 Callie looked at Anna, surprised. What had she ever done or 20 said that Anna guessed her feelings? And it wasn’t that she didn’t 21 like Mimi Creighton, just that they had nothing in common. 22 Mimi, with her Harvard M.B.A., ran her family like a corpor-23 ation. Before she and Bernie had children, she’d worked for a 24 consulting firm. Now she focused her energies on raising perfect 25 children. Mimi talked about her kids as if they were investments. 26 Benjamin’s stellar S.A.T.’s, Emma’s soccer trophies. And Henry, 27 well, he was the smartest one. Practically a genius. 28 �śRick’s coming over later,” Callie said, quickly changing the 29 subject. 30 �śOh,” Anna said. �śI thought he was away.” 31 �śHe was, but now he’s back.” 32 Anna didn’t answer. 33 Callie wanted to say something �" I understand. I just want you 34 to be happy �" but the words stuck in her throat. Instead, she 35 S reached down mutely and stroked her daughter’s hair. 36 R 6 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 61 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y I’d do anything for you, she thought. 1 Then Anna squirmed away. 2 Back in her bedroom again, Callie picked up the phone. She’d 3 left the number on the table beside it. Now she punched it in. If 4 he wasn’t in, she told herself, she wouldn’t leave a message. If he 5 wasn’t in, it would be a sign. If he wasn’t �" 6 �śHello?” 7 A soft, almost childlike voice. The second Mrs. Thayer. 8 �śDonna? This is Callie.” 9 A pause, and then, �śOh!” It had taken her a moment to place 10 the name. �śI . . . Kevin isn’t in.” There was a guardedness to her 11 voice that hadn’t been there before. �śI’m afraid he’s out of town. 12 Business.” 13 In the background Callie heard the TV, the sound of kids ar-14 guing. 15 �śIs this an emergency?” 16 �śNo,” said Callie. �śBut I do need to talk to him. It’s about . . . 17 well, could you just ask him to call me, please? Not at home, 18 though. Here, let me give you my cell phone number.” 19 �śI’ll be talking to him later tonight. If I had a number for him, 20 I could give it to you, but he’s . . . well, they’re sort of moving 21 around.” 22 �śNo problem,” said Callie. 23 �śHe should call before too long, though. I’ll be sure to give him 24 the message.” 25 Callie thanked her profusely and hung up. 26 As she put down the phone, she realized that she could have 27 asked Donna for Kevin’s cell phone number. She considered call-28 ing back, then changed her mind. She might catch Kevin at an 29 awkward moment, and she didn’t want to annoy him. Better to 30 wait for him to call. She’d hear from him soon enough. 31 32 h 33 Anna waited until she heard her mother’s door close. Then, with 34 a click of the computer mouse, she signed on to AOL. She checked S 35 R 36 6 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 62 A M Y G U T M A N 1 her Buddy List and saw that TheMagician93 was still online. She 2 clicked to send him an instant message. The box popped up on 3 the screen. 4 Bttrfly146 Sometimes I really hate my mother. 5 6 But as soon as the words appeared, she felt bad seeing them. 7 She didn’t hate her mother. It just seemed that way sometimes. 8 A chiming sound and more words flashed up. He was answer-9 ing her. 10 TheMagician93 I told you, you don’t have to stay there. She can’t 11 make you stay. 12 13 Anna chewed on a piece of hair. Was that really what she 14 wanted? Could she run away? She looked around her room �" the 15 blue-and-white bedspread she’d picked out last year, the mounds 16 of stuffed animals. Her favorite books and posters. She really 17 liked her room. But sometimes her mother made her so mad, she 18 could hardly stand it anymore. If she ran away, her mother would 19 be sorry. Maybe things would change. Besides, she wouldn’t have 20 to stay gone all that long. Just enough to scare her. 21 Bttrfly146 Where would we go? 22 TheMagician93 Wherever we want . . . 23 24 h 25 26 The doorbell rang, and Callie raced down the stairs. She fumbled 27 with the lock, threw open the door. Suddenly, there he was. His 28 face was dimly illuminated by the pale yellow porch light. He 29 didn’t smile at first, just gazed at her solemnly. He was wearing 30 khakis and loafers with an old brown leather jacket. She thought 31 of all the times she’d seen that jacket over the past eight months. 32 Once at the movies, when she was cold, Rick had draped it across 33 her shoulders. At that moment, she’d felt closer to him than 34 she’d ever felt before. 35 S He was back, he was really back. 36 R It hadn’t seemed real until now. 6 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 63 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y She hurled herself into Rick’s arms. His mouth smashed down 1 on hers. 2 They stood there silent, kissing, for what seemed like a very 3 long time. She looped a hand behind his neck. He stroked the 4 back of her head. Rick’s skin was cold, or maybe hers was hot. 5 �śHow’s your father?” she whispered. 6 �śBetter. A lot better.” 7 As Callie locked the front door, Rick wrapped her in his arms. 8 Gently, he turned her toward him, until her eyes met his. Some-9 thing happened then, some bright internal spark. The blood turned 10 silvery in her veins, as their bodies flew together. Their mouths 11 were welded tight as he pressed her against the wall. She hooked 12 a leg around one of his, pulling him closer still. She felt the but-13 terfly bones of her pelvis, sharp against his thigh. She’d never felt 14 this way, so weak with love and longing. Grabbing his hand, she 15 quickly led him up the carpeted stairs. 16 Anna’s door was closed. She’d be asleep by now. They slipped 17 into Callie’s room, locked the door, then collapsed on the bed. 18 They lay on top of the bedspread and his mouth was everywhere. 19 As she sank into sensation, images flashed through her brain. 20 Rick’s leather jacket. Steven’s eyes. Happy Anniversary . . . 21 Rick roughly pulled up her shirt, pushed aside her bra. As his 22 tongue circled a nipple, Callie closed her eyes. Their bodies 23 moved together, the rhythm already begun. The emptiness was 24 coming faster now and she gave herself up to it. She twisted a 25 hand in his hair, hard. His lips touched her other breast. She took 26 hold of one of his hands and rubbed it between her legs. Pushed 27 herself against his palm, wanting wanting wanting. 28 It was going on too long. She wanted him inside her. 29 �śNow,” she whispered. �śNow.” 30 She heard the rip of a condom packet. 31 Then, after seconds or forever, finally he was back. As she 32 raised her hips, he began to move, slowly and then faster. Callie’s 33 hand touched his lower back, the concave dampness of it. As 34 they thrust against each other, her blood seemed to dance. There S 35 was nothing beyond this pleasure, nothing beyond this place. R 36 6 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 64 A M Y G U T M A N 1 They rolled over, still in one piece, until Rick lay beneath her. 2 Callie sat astride him, her arms braced against his shoulders. For 3 a moment, they stayed there still, eyes locked together. Then 4 everything was moving, a rapid-fire surge of feeling. Callie threw 5 her head back, as she rode him into the night, harder and faster 6 and harder and faster, until the flame ignited. 7 Yes, yes, yes. 8 She heard him cry out below. 9 Afterwards they lay there, quiet, the stillness of the house 10 around them. Rick’s eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell. Cal-11 lie kissed his shoulder. Spooning her body into his, she wondered 12 if he were sleeping. 13 Safe, that’s how she felt. Safe. Still a novelty. 14 During the early months with Rick, she’d bounced back and 15 forth between fear that he’d stay and fear that he’d leave. She was 16 determined not to lose the independent life she’d struggled so 17 hard to build. At the same time, as their bond grew stronger, an 18 older fear crept in. The fear that one day he’d find her wanting, 19 that one day he’d be gone. 20 She was like a child, a two-year-old, who wanted contradictory 21 things. Once when Anna was about that age she’d thrown a 22 tantrum halfway up the stairs. As Callie knelt beside her, she’d 23 choked out an explanation. She wanted to be both upstairs with 24 her toys and downstairs with her mother. 25 With Kevin she’d managed to avoid this conflict by just not 26 caring that much. They’d met one Sunday at her parents’ church, 27 at the weekly social hour. She’d watched his round face brighten 28 as they sipped tea from china cups. He gave an impression of 29 earnestness, pleasant but not exciting. He’d talked a lot about his 30 sister’s kids. She could tell that he loved children. The blandness 31 of her response to him had struck her as reassuring. 32 They’d married in a small church ceremony, attended by just 33 their families. Callie had carried a mixed bouquet. No roses, 34 though. No roses. They’d bought a small house with a bright 35 S green lawn in an Indianapolis suburb. For years, she’d simply 36 R drifted, numb and rudderless. She watched TV, talked on the 6 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 65 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y phone, took care of her infant daughter. In the two-plus years 1 they’d lived in that house, she hadn’t made one friend. It was al-2 most as if she’d known that she’d be leaving and didn’t want to 3 waste time. And yet, thinking back, she hadn’t been unhappy. 4 Happiness, as she now knew, was entirely relative. 5 It was after Anna’s second birthday that the doubts really set 6 in. She looked at herself through the eyes of her child and didn’t 7 like what she saw. She relied on Kevin for everything, had no 8 goals of her own. What kind of a role model would she be as 9 Anna began to grow up? Kevin watched her warily, urged Prozac 10 and counseling. But the clearer she got, the more she saw that the 11 marriage had been a mistake. 12 Rick murmured something she couldn’t hear, pulling her back 13 to the present. Her body was smooth and amphibious against the 14 rise and fall of his chest. Even more than when they were making 15 love, he felt like a part of her. Her leg began to cramp, but she 16 didn’t want to move it, didn’t want to do anything that would 17 break this fragile peace. Gently, she folded her hand into his. Her 18 eyes dropped to her arm. To the thin white rows of scars that 19 bound her to the past. 20 When she looked up, she saw that Rick was awake. His eyes 21 gleamed in the dark. He didn’t say anything, just studied her in-22 tently. She had an urge to turn away but made herself keep look-23 ing. One more small victory in the battle to connect. 24 �śI think we should get married.” He spoke the words so softly 25 that she wasn’t sure she’d heard right. 26 �śCallie, will you marry me?” 27 She lay there still, barely breathing, then rolled her head away. 28 She felt something but she didn’t know what, couldn’t name the 29 feeling. 30 �śCallie? Cal?” Rick rubbed her shoulder. �śSweetheart, what’s 31 wrong?” 32 �śI . . .” Her face pressed into the sheet. Her cheeks were hot 33 and dry. 34 �śWhat is it?” Rick said again. His breath smelled of mint. S 35 Still, she didn’t answer. What was there to say? R 36 6 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 66 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Finally, she rolled her head toward him. �śIt’s Anna,” she said. 2 �śWe can work it out.” 3 �śI . . .” She had a sensation of unraveling, her life coming un-4 done. 5 �śI love you, Callie,” Rick said. 6 Tears filled her eyes. She’d turned her head toward the ceiling 7 again so he couldn’t see her face. If only everything were as sim-8 ple as he seemed to think it was. 9 �śHow do you know?” she asked him. 10 �śKnow? Know what?” Rick had propped himself up on an el-11 bow to get a view of her face. She turned her head farther, let hair 12 fall over her eyes. 13 �śHow do you know . . . that you . . . love me?” The words came 14 out haltingly. �śBecause, the thing is, once someone told me that, 15 and I . . . I believed him. I believed everything he told me, but all 16 of it was lies. And so . . . if I believe you now, what would it really 17 mean? Because I’ve been so wrong before, and I’m still the same 18 person I was. Different in some ways but still the same. Maybe I 19 don’t understand what love is. Between a man and a woman. 20 When I think about it, my mind goes blank. I can’t seem to �"” 21 �śI’m not your ex-husband, Callie.” 22 Startled, she turned her head toward him, the tears having 23 stopped. 24 �śI’m not Kevin. I’m not going to leave you. You know me bet-25 ter than that.” 26 �śOh . . .” 27 He must have sensed her unease. �śYou’re talking about Kevin, 28 right?” 29 �śNo,” she said. �śIt was someone else. Kevin was . . . afterwards.” 30 It struck her again how little he knew of the basic facts of her 31 life. Was he aware of the gaping holes? The pieces that didn’t fit? 32 So many lies, large and small, piled on top of each other. Even if 33 she told him the truth, would he ever be able to trust her? 34 �śI wonder,” she said, �śif you can know someone. Really know 35 S who they are. I used to think you could. I used to think I did.” 36 R Then something was shifting in her chest, shifting and grow-6 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 67 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y ing larger. Without warning it exploded. She began to cry. But 1 this time she didn’t turn away. This time she let him see. 2 �śI love you, too,” she whispered. And held tight to his hand. 3 It was like the words had been torn from her heart, leaving a 4 gaping wound. But with the pain came a strange lightness, as if 5 something had begun. 6 Rick rocked her in his arms, whispering into her hair. He softly 7 stroked her back while she cried, sobbing into his shoulder. He 8 showed no sign of annoyance, no sign of discomposure. He 9 seemed to accept without question the chaos of her emotions. 10 She could almost believe that he would understand, almost be-11 lieve she could tell him. 12 Almost believe, almost believe . . . 13 Almost, but not quite. 14 After she didn’t know how long, the tears finally stopped. Ex-15 hausted, she lay against Rick, matching her breath to his. It was 16 like she’d been swept up onto this bed from some wild storm-17 tossed sea. But one of her arms lay across Rick’s chest, and again 18 she glimpsed the scars. You belong to us, they seemed to say. This 19 is who you are. 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 6 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 68 Wednesday–Saturday, April 12–15 C 1 a l l i e sat at the kitchen table, reading, drinking coffee. 2 Memories of the night before tumbled through her mind. Sun 3 poured in through the windows, warming up the room. She’d 4 been there for a couple of hours, unable to concentrate. Twice 5 she’d reread the same page, but nothing registered. 6 Her cell phone rang, breaking her loose. She grabbed it from 7 her purse. Kevin. It was Kevin. She instantly felt queasy. 8 He barely bothered to say hello. �śIs something wrong?” he asked. 9 His voice was just as she remembered, a nasal monotone. At 10 the same time, his voice was a stranger’s voice. He was someone 11 she didn’t know. She’d thought that she might talk to him, tell 12 him about the note. Now that she had him on the phone, she saw 13 how mistaken she’d been. 14 �śNo,” she said firmly. �śNo. Nothing’s wrong.” 15 �śWell, you called me,” he said curtly. �śI suppose you had some 16 reason.” 17 �śRight,” she said. �śThere was.” 18 Despite the hundreds of miles between them, she felt his irri-19 tation. She’d been wrong in thinking that time would have soft-20 ened his feelings for her. Kevin might be slow to anger, but he 21 knew how to hold a grudge. If it hadn’t been for Anna, she’d have 22 hung up right away. But now that she had him on the phone, she 23 forced herself to speak. 24 �śI wanted to talk to you about Anna.” 25 �śWhat? What about her?” He bit off the words like he didn’t 26 S care, but she could tell that he was listening. She so much didn’t 27 R want to have this talk, but she didn’t have a choice. 6 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 69 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śAnna misses you,” she said. �śWould you consider seeing her?” 1 A long pause on the other end. �śWhy now?” he finally said. 2 She could hear the bitterness. 3 �śShe’s been asking about you recently.” It took some effort to 4 say that. 5 He snorted. �śWell, that’s a surprise. How does she even know I 6 exist? I thought you took care of that.” 7 �śYou thought I took care of it? Me? How do you figure that?” It 8 had taken less than five minutes to trigger their old patterns, 9 Kevin coldly blaming, she emotional. 10 �śYou made the decision.” His voice had no inflection. 11 �śIt was both of us,” Callie said. �śYou didn’t object.” 12 �śWould it have done any good?” 13 An answer leapt to the tip of her tongue, but she managed to 14 hold it back. �śLet’s just focus on the present, okay? Let’s just think 15 about Anna. She wants to see you now. How do you feel about 16 that?” 17 �śI don’t know,” he finally said. �śI really don’t know. I’ll have to 18 talk to Donna. My wife. I’ll have to think about it.” 19 �śFine. You talk to her and think about it, and then you can let 20 me know. Don’t call me at home though. Use my cell phone 21 number, the one you just called. I don’t want Anna to answer. Or 22 you could try to get me at work. Here, I’ll give you the number.” 23 She heard him writing it down. She took this as a good sign. 24 �śThank you,” she said. 25 �śFor what? I haven’t said I’ll do it. And even if I do, it won’t be 26 for you.” 27 Again, she was struck by the bitterness. Time hadn’t changed 28 a thing. Then she told herself to let it go. She was doing this for 29 Anna. 30 The conversation left her off balance, but the feeling eased 31 with time. It was the usual busy Wednesday, and the hours flew 32 past. It wasn’t until dinner that night that she thought of Kevin 33 again, really considered for the first time the forces she’d set in 34 motion. What if Kevin tried to turn Anna against her? What S 35 would happen then? What if Anna decided to live with him? R 36 6 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 70 A M Y G U T M A N 1 How would she survive? Never mind that Kevin hadn’t even said 2 he wanted to see Anna. Her mind relentlessly spun out the worst 3 possible outcomes. 4 �śWant another piece?” Rick asked her, gesturing to the pizza. 5 �śSure,” Callie said. 6 She pulled away a yeasty slice and took a large bite. 7 Anna was eating industriously, leaving the crusts behind. Judg-8 ing by the pile of half-moon scraps, she was working on her third 9 piece. Gradually, Callie’s anxiety calmed. Why go looking for 10 trouble? From the sound of Kevin’s voice, she doubted that he’d 11 even want to see her. 12 Now that Rick was back, she found it was easier to stay 13 grounded. The shapeless fears that had tormented her seemed 14 to have far less power. For example, her thoughts about Lester 15 Crain �" what evidence did she have? After all, if someone 16 wanted to hurt her, why bother leaving a note? 17 Whoever it is knows where I live. Someone came to our house. 18 But she wouldn’t think about that part. At least, not right now. 19 On Thursday night, Rick worked late. She and Anna dyed 20 eggs. On Friday, Rick took her out for dinner while Anna stayed 21 with the Creightons. 22 Saturday was cool and luminous with the promise of early 23 spring. Rick came over for pancakes and bacon, and then they 24 went for a hike. Mt. Holyoke was a deep blue peak ten miles out 25 of town. A wide, gently sloping path wound up toward a breath-26 taking lookout. While Anna and Henry ran ahead, Callie and 27 Rick lingered. They strolled slowly, hand in hand, neither of 28 them talking. It meant something, Callie thought, when you 29 didn’t have to speak. Everyone talked about communication, the 30 importance of sharing words. But so often the need to fill a si-31 lence reflected the absence of something. 32 They reached the mountain’s peak, capped by the Summit 33 House. Once a fashionable hotel, it now served as a museum. The 34 windswept expanse of its balcony offered spectacular views: the 35 S tiny, perfect town of Merritt, patchwork farms and fields, the blue 36 R Connecticut River cutting through it all. 7 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 71 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Callie leaned against the railing, the sun warm on her face. 1 Down below, she could hear Anna and Henry calling out to each 2 other. Rick came up from behind and slid his arms around her. 3 For a moment they stood there, resting, taking in the view. Then 4 Rick pulled her gently closer, whispered into her hair. �śSo have 5 you been thinking about it? Getting married, I mean.” The world 6 seemed to darken slightly. �śI have to think,” she said. 7 That night, after Henry went home, they watched a video. Over 8 Chinese food, Callie filled baskets for tomorrow’s Easter egg hunt. 9 Anna kept sneaking chocolate eggs until Callie made her stop. 10 �śHe ate more.” Anna pointed at Rick, who looked a little cha-11 grined. 12 �śWell, I’m sure if his mother were here right now, she’d tell 13 him he’d had enough.” 14 Anna had already gone to bed when Rick got up to leave. �śAre 15 you sure I can’t help?” he asked her, pointing to the baskets. 16 �śNo. It’s fine. Really. I do it every year.” 17 They kissed good night on the front porch. Callie went back 18 for the baskets. 19 The sky was a tumbled bowl of stars as she stepped down into 20 the grass. She paused a moment in the silence and breathed in 21 the crisp night. Her eyes sought out the Big Dipper, the white 22 crust of moon. Down the street, she saw another flashlight bob-23 bing in the bushes. Naomi or Morton Steinmetz. Or maybe 24 David Enderly. Callie waved toward the bouncing light, then set-25 tled down to work. 26 Kneeling down beside the porch, she shoved a basket under 27 the stairs. Anna had been attending the Easter egg hunt since she 28 was four years old. Callie had piles of snapshots, stuffed into 29 boxes and albums. Anna at five, looking horrified as she stared at 30 a bright blue egg. A smug eight-year-old Anna, surrounded by 31 rows of baskets. This hunt, however, would be Anna’s last. Ten 32 was the cutoff age. 33 As she stood up, Callie was hit by a sense of time’s rapid flight. 34 Each moment, so substantial and real, was gone before you knew S 35 it, consigned to an uncertain fate in the outposts of memory. This R 36 7 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 72 A M Y G U T M A N 1 evening, the warmth and laughter they’d shared, how long would 2 it be remembered? 3 For the next half hour, she moved around the yard, distribut-4 ing the baskets. Anna always complained that she made things 5 too easy, so this year Callie had come up with several new hiding 6 places. One basket went into a recycling bin, beneath a pile of plas-7 tic bottles. The next she hid in the mailbox. Okay, so it was obvi-8 ous, but she’d never used it before. She was especially pleased with 9 the niche she’d found for the final tiny basket. Squeezed behind 10 a bush, next to the house, she edged it into the drainpipe. The 11 basket fell out a couple of times, but she finally wedged it tight. 12 She’d just emerged from the bushes, when she startled at a noise. 13 It seemed to have come from across the street, somewhere in the 14 Creightons’ yard. The crackling sound of branches breaking, then 15 a muffled thud. Frightened, Callie stood there, waiting for what 16 came next. But now there was nothing. Nothing unusual. Just the 17 faint, dim hum of distant traffic, wind moving through the trees. 18 Happy Anniversary, Rosamund. 19 The words rose up in her mind. 20 She glanced down the street, but the flashlight was gone. She 21 was all alone now. Walking quickly across the lawn, she headed 22 for the house. 23 Back inside, she locked the door, checked the burglar alarm. 24 Tried to forget the feeling she’d had that someone was watching 25 her. What she’d heard was maybe an animal or a branch falling to 26 the ground. No reason to get excited. Nothing to worry about. 27 h 28 29 After she vanished into the house, he waited for the light to 30 snap on upstairs. In a moment, he saw the golden glow seeping 31 out from behind her blinds. He was tempted to wait another few 32 minutes, to see if she might raise them. Sometimes, he knew she 33 did that, right before she went to bed, stood there staring into the 34 night, her expression cloudy and lost. A look she never wore dur-35 S ing the day at times she might be seen. It was a private expression 36 R confined to times she believed herself alone. 7 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 73 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y For years, she’d assumed so much, with no justification. As-1 sumed that no one was watching her. Assumed no one could find 2 her. And, really, it had been quite simple. Just some basic com-3 puter searches. Her identity had stayed secret only because no 4 one had really looked. It had been the same with Diane Massey, 5 that false sense of control. All he’d had to do was chat up her 6 doorman, claim to be an old friend. The doorman didn’t have the 7 details, but he thought she’d gone to Maine. She’d talked about 8 Blue Peek Island in interviews. And sure enough, there she was. 9 He stared hard at the closed blinds as if he might see through 10 them. Then, regretfully, he turned away. It wasn’t safe to linger. 11 He crawled across the tree house floor until he came to the 12 opening around the trunk. Carefully, he lowered one leg until his 13 foot touched a wooden step. 14 Almost to the ground, he let himself drop into a thick bed of 15 leaves. A rich, moist odor floated up, moldering leaves and dirt. 16 The smell caught him by surprise. It was almost exactly the same. 17 Deeply inhaling the cool night air, he thought of Diane Massey. 18 Timex. Cartier. It doesn’t matter. Only time is fair. 19 Still crouching, he scanned the Creightons’ yard, making sure 20 no one had heard him. Another few seconds, then he started to 21 move around. Twigs and stones dug into his palms as he palpated 22 the ground, searching for the binoculars that had fallen from his 23 hands. He couldn’t believe that he’d let that happen, especially 24 with her right there. She’d actually heard the sound. Startled, 25 she’d wheeled around. Luckily he’d already ducked down behind 26 the tree house wall. 27 When he finally found the binoculars, he hung them around 28 his neck. Through a gate, he could see the Creightons’ backyard 29 sheltered by a tall white fence. The back door opened onto a 30 deck with a gas grill and picnic table. All the accoutrements of 31 family life, sturdy and ordinary. Yet the sense of safety, the perfect 32 calm, could be shattered in a flash. Dahlia had grown up in a 33 house like this, pretty and safe and secure. But none of that had 34 protected her on the night she met Steven Gage. S 35 He crept through a dense wall of trees until he reached the R 36 7 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 74 A M Y G U T M A N 1 curb. Briefly he hesitated, then stepped into open space. Beneath 2 the glow of a single lamp, he quickly crossed the street. His foot-3 steps slapped against concrete, and then he was in her yard. 4 His destination was the shrubbery along the front of the house. 5 When he’d seen her disappear back there, he’d figured this was 6 the place. There was an opening between two bushes, and now 7 he slipped between them. Squatting beside wooden shingles, he 8 peered into the shadows. He ruffled the branches of a gnarled 9 shrub, then ran his fingers across the earth. She’d come back here 10 with just one small basket, and when she’d come out it was gone. 11 It had to be somewhere, he told himself. But where, damn it, 12 where? Then, at that instant, he caught sight of it, the pale scrap 13 of ribbon. Gingerly, he reached up the drainpipe spout until he 14 grasped the basket. It was wedged tightly in the narrow pipe, and 15 it took a while to dislodge. Impatiently, he pushed against the 16 straw until it fell away. 17 As the basket slid out of the chute, candy tumbled out. He 18 picked up a foil-covered chocolate egg, unwrapped it, and popped 19 it in his mouth. Sweetness melted across his tongue, as he 20 reached down into a pocket. From inside, he pulled out another 21 egg, this one made of hollow pink plastic. When he turned the 22 ends, the egg fell in two, and he looked at the object he’d placed 23 inside. He wondered how long it would take her to realize its sig-24 nificance. She was smart, he had to give her that. He doubted 25 that it would take long. 26 I am not a man, I am dynamite. 27 He smiled at the philosopher’s words. 28 After snapping the plastic egg back together, he placed it in 29 the tiny basket. The egg looked so innocent resting there. Who 30 could guess what it held? He took a moment to straighten the 31 bow before restoring the basket. 32 Once he was sure it was securely stowed, he climbed back to 33 his feet. Everything was in order now. Everything was ready. Now 34 it was time for him to go home, to get a good night’s sleep. The 35 S only thing he had left to do was make sure that Anna found it. 36 R 7 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 75 Sunday, April 16 An n a ’ s gotten so tall! How old is she now?” 1 �śTen,” Callie said. Across the street, she watched as Anna beat 2 through the Creightons’ shrubs, joining the horde of neighbor-3 hood kids in their search for eggs and baskets. 4 �śSo this will be her last one?” 5 �śMmm.” Callie felt a pang. 6 Naomi Steinmetz shook her head, short gray hair bobbing. 7 The thick lenses of her oversized glasses seemed to magnify her 8 eyes. A Latin professor at Windham, she’d recently retired. She’d 9 always reminded Callie of a large yet friendly insect. 10 It was one of those magical early spring days when time seemed 11 to stand still. The sky was a bright primary blue dotted with puffy 12 white clouds. All around kids laughed and shrieked as they 13 scrambled for hidden bounty. There had to be more than twenty 14 of them; the event had grown each year. Parents mingled in the 15 background, irrelevant and ignored, their smiles nostalgic and a 16 bit wistful as they watched the frenzied search. 17 �śMommy, I found another! Here.” Anna thrust a basket into 18 Callie’s hands, then dashed away again. 19 Naomi laughed. �śA lot of energy, that one.” 20 �śYes,” Callie said. On days like this, when Anna seemed so 21 happy, she could almost forget the rest, almost convince herself 22 that Anna’s moods were simple growing pains. 23 As Naomi stepped away to find her husband, Callie walked to 24 the porch. She added Anna’s basket to the growing pile and 25 checked her watch again. After eleven-thirty. Rick was running S 26 late. R 27 7 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 76 A M Y G U T M A N 1 From the porch, Callie watched the Henning twins toddle 2 toward a cache of eggs. One two-year-old twin stared straight at 3 them, then promptly turned away. The other ran a few short 4 steps, teetered, and fell down, at which point he lost all interest 5 in everything but his left shoe. He studied the sole with intensity, 6 then stuffed it in his mouth. 7 �śJust wait ’til next year,” Callie called to their mother. �śYou 8 won’t be able to stop them.” 9 Across the street, Anna and Henry romped with a neighbor’s 10 dog. The puppy grabbed hold of an Easter basket, and galloped 11 across the yard. Camera, Callie thought. And went into the 12 house to find it. 13 As she came back out, she was putting in film, fiddling with 14 the roll. She closed the compartment and listened for the buzz 15 that would tell her the film was loading. As she held the camera 16 to her ear, she heard a noise behind her. But before she had time 17 to turn around, hands came down on her shoulders. In that in-18 stant, her blood seemed to freeze. She shrieked and wheeled 19 around. 20 But it was only Tod Carver standing there, wearing a sheepish 21 expression. 22 �śGeez, Callie,” he said, abashed. �śI didn’t mean to scare you.” 23 She’d dropped the camera. He picked it up. �śHope this isn’t 24 broken.” 25 �śIt fell on the grass. I’m sure it’s fine.” She smiled at him, em-26 barrassed. �śSorry that I screamed. You just caught me by surprise.” 27 Of course, that wasn’t the only reason, but how was he to know? 28 �śKids here?” 29 Tod gave her his rueful smile. �śNope. I left Oliver and Lilly at 30 home and came to the Easter egg hunt on my own. Thought I’d 31 use my superior size and strength to beat out the other children.” 32 �śAnd if that doesn’t work, you can always flash your badge.” 33 �śNow you’re talking.” Tod grinned. 34 Callie grinned back, calmed by the familiar banter. 35 S �śThey’re over there,” Tod said, pointing toward the Steinmetz 36 R yard. Callie caught a glimpse of Lilly, with her long hair and pipe-7 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 77 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y stem legs. Tod just adored his daughter, who was two years 1 younger than Anna. 2 Like Rick, Tod was an unlikely cop, low-key and warm. He was 3 boyishly good-looking, with an open face and hair the color of 4 copper. Looking at him, she couldn’t imagine why he didn’t have 5 a girlfriend. But Rick said the divorce had hit Tod hard. He still 6 wasn’t ready. 7 �śWhere’s Rick?” asked Tod, as if on cue. 8 �śHe should be here by now.” Again, Callie looked around. 9 �śHey, Tod, Callie!” Mimi Creighton swooped down on them, 10 a smile planted on her face. Gucci loafers, streaked blonde hair, a 11 Louis Vuitton handbag. Mimi might have left the city but she’d 12 kept all the trappings. 13 �śIsn’t it a beautiful day?” Mimi looked excited, almost giddy, 14 her small eyes shining. Taken separately, Mimi’s features weren’t 15 pretty, but together, they somehow worked. She had a slight 16 overbite, a bumpy nose, and small gray-green eyes. But she con-17 veyed an impression of energy that substituted for beauty. 18 �śSure is,” said Tod, smiling and laconic. 19 Mimi barely seemed to hear him. Her eyes had lighted on her 20 son. �śI just can’t believe this is Henry’s last year.” 21 �śAnna’s too,” said Callie. 22 �śOh, well,” said Mimi brightly. �śI guess they have to grow up.” 23 She didn’t seem too bothered. Already, Callie sensed that she 24 was charting Henry’s future, mapping his path from Merritt Ele-25 mentary to the nation’s halls of power. Her other two kids were 26 already in college, one at Yale, one at Brown. Henry’s birth, Cal-27 lie suspected, hadn’t exactly been planned. 28 Callie glanced toward the Driscolls’ yard, where Anna was 29 sprawled with Henry. Their heads were close together as they 30 talked over who-knew-what. Henry was sort of cute, Callie 31 thought, in a gawky boy-genius way, a look that gained a sort of 32 cachet with the Harry Potter craze. He was small and slender 33 with quick bright eyes behind thick horn-rimmed glasses. Like 34 Anna, he sometimes seemed older than his age and at other times S 35 far younger. It struck Callie as a little odd that Anna’s best friend R 36 7 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 78 A M Y G U T M A N 1 was a boy, but things had changed since she was a kid and boys 2 were the source of cooties. 3 �śGreetings, neighbors.” Bernie Creighton appeared, tossing a 4 casual arm around his wife. 5 Bernie exuded an air of enormous self-satisfaction. Well uphol-6 stered was the term that came to mind when Callie looked at him. 7 He was short �" a bit shorter than his wife �" maybe five foot six 8 or seven, barrel-chested with a neat moustache, and slightly 9 overweight. But somehow the extra pounds only added to the ef-10 fect. He gave the impression of being well fed rather than out of 11 shape. 12 �śI made Bernie come today,” Mimi said. She sounded pleased 13 with herself. �śWe saw this video last week, where the father 14 didn’t know the daughter’s middle name. He didn’t even know 15 she had a middle name.” 16 �śThe Royal Tenenbaums,” said Callie. �śWe saw it too.” 17 �śYeah, that’s what it was. Anyway, I told Bernie that he’s going 18 to forget his kids’ first names if he doesn’t see more of them.” 19 Callie and Tod laughed politely. It didn’t seem so funny. 20 Bernie shrugged. �śWe’ve got a trial coming up. That’s just how 21 it is.” 22 �śHe’s even taken an apartment in Boston,” Mimi said. 23 �śJust until after the trial.” 24 The conversation went on in this vein with Callie zoning out. 25 She heard Tod making the appropriate sounds. Yes. No. Really? 26 With the Creightons, you never had to worry about a topic of 27 conversation. Mimi and Bernie were more than happy to talk 28 about themselves. 29 Scanning the street for Rick again, Callie started at an unex-30 pected sight: her classmate Nathan Lacoste on a bike slowly ped-31 aling toward them. She hadn’t talked to him since that night 32 he’d tried to cadge an invitation for pizza. The weird one, Rick 33 had called him. What was he doing here? Quickly, Callie turned 34 away, hoping he wouldn’t see her. Maybe he was heading for the 35 S Windham campus, just a few blocks away. But he lived on the 36 R other side of town. She was hardly on his route. 7 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 79 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y When she looked back up, she saw with relief that he didn’t 1 seem to be stopping. He rode his bike straight through the 2 throng, stopped at the corner, then turned. 3 �śHey there, buddy!” she heard Tod call. 4 She looked back, and there was Rick. 5 �śSorry, babe. I overslept. Forgot to set the alarm.” 6 The day got subtly brighter, as Rick leaned down to kiss her. 7 Callie took his large, warm hand and folded hers into it. 8 The festivities were winding down now, and Callie snapped a 9 last few pictures. Clusters of kids lay sprawled about, baskets piled 10 around them, happily gorging themselves on sugar in all of its 11 various forms. Chocolate rabbits and malted eggs. Marshmallow 12 chickens and jelly beans. Not one of the children that Callie 13 could see was eating a hard-boiled egg. 14 Bernie and Mimi, arm in arm, headed back toward home. 15 When Tod’s kids straggled back, the three of them left as well. 16 �śYou look tired,” Callie said to Rick. They were still holding 17 hands. 18 Rick shrugged. �śI’m okay. Just haven’t been sleeping well.” 19 �śHungry?” Callie asked. 20 �śNow that you mention it.” 21 Anna bounced into view. She was wearing jeans and a yellow 22 shirt that picked up the gold in her hair. 23 �śI like the light blue eggs best,” said Anna. �śThey’re like 24 robins’ eggs but bigger.” 25 Callie and Rick headed inside, Anna trailing behind them. 26 In the kitchen, Callie pulled out bread, mustard, leftover 27 chicken, and lettuce. 28 �śSo how’s your boyfriend?” Rick teased, as he took plates from 29 the cupboard. 30 Callie rolled her eyes. �śC’mon Rick. That was twenty years 31 ago.” Rick always ribbed her about Tod’s resemblance to her high 32 school beau, Larry Peters. Thinking of Tod she was reminded of 33 how happy he’d seemed today. 34 �śIt must be hard on him, having his kids so far away.” S 35 �śIt is,” Rick said. He didn’t elaborate. R 36 7 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 80 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Callie spread mustard on a slice of bread. �śWhy’d he move way 2 up here when they’re down in Virginia?” 3 �śI think he wanted to start over. He lived in the area when he 4 was a kid.” 5 �śI could see how he’d want to come back. Still, he must be 6 lonely.” Callie gave Rick a covert glance. �śI’ve been thinking 7 about fixing up Martha and Tod.” 8 �śMartha?” 9 �śYou know, I work with her. She got divorced a while back.” 10 �śThe one with the fuzzy hair?” 11 �śIt’s not fuzzy, it’s curly. Women pay lots of money for hair like 12 that.” 13 �śWell, I’m glad you’re not one of them.” 14 �śIs that the problem? You don’t think she’s pretty enough?” 15 �śHoney, that’s not it.” 16 �śSo what’s the problem, then?” 17 Rick shrugged. �śIf you want to, give it a shot. I just don’t think 18 he’ll go for it.” 19 �śWell, there’s no harm in asking. We could have them over for 20 dinner or something. It wouldn’t have to be a real date.” 21 From the living room, she heard Anna. �śWow!” 22 �śWhat is it?” Callie called. 23 A beaming Anna appeared in the doorway, something clutched 24 in her hand. 25 �śThis watch is so cool!” 26 A watch? Callie walked toward her. �śLet me see,” she said. 27 Looking at her mother warily, Anna opened her hand. 28 The watch had an intricate golden bracelet. On its face was 29 the word Cartier. 30 Callie took the watch from Anna and balanced it in her hand. 31 She had little experience with fine jewelry, but this seemed like 32 the real thing. She’d once owned a knock-off watch, a two-tone 33 fake Rolex. Its flimsy metal components had felt nothing like 34 this. 35 S �śWhere did you find this?” Callie asked. 36 R 8 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 81 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Anna gave her a baffled look. �śIt was in the plastic egg, in the 1 Easter basket. The one you put in the drainpipe.” 2 �śWhere’s the basket?” Callie’s voice was level, but she felt a stir 3 of alarm. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she knew that 4 she didn’t like it. 5 Anna shrugged. �śI don’t know. In the living room, I guess.” 6 �śWhat’s up?” Rick turned toward them. 7 There was no point in trying to hide the facts. �śA watch,” Cal-8 lie said. �śAnna found a watch in an Easter basket.” 9 Rick had drifted over to the counter, where he surveyed the 10 abandoned makings of their meal. �śWhat do you say I finish up 11 the sandwiches?” 12 �śThat would be great. Thanks.” 13 She was already on her way to the living room, where she 14 found the basket with its yellow ribbon. Plastic green grass was 15 scattered around, like so much exploded stuffing. On the floor lay 16 the pieces of a hollow pink egg. Callie picked them up, looked at 17 them, snapped the halves together. She remembered eggs like 18 this from when she was a kid, but she hadn’t seen one in years. 19 She took the plastic egg back to the kitchen, where Anna was 20 slumped in a chair. �śThe watch, it was in here?” 21 Silently, Anna nodded. �śMom, just give it back to me. I’m the 22 one who found it.” 23 �śHoney, it’s a mistake. I didn’t put it there.” 24 �śWell, it’s still mine, ” Anna said. There was an edge of defiance 25 to her voice now. �śSomeone left it in a basket, and I’m the one 26 who found it.” 27 Callie shook her head. �śIt may belong to someone. We have to 28 find out who.” 29 �śBut Mom, it’s not fair. I found it.” 30 Anna looked like she might cry. �śOkay. Fine. ” She shoved 31 back the chair so hard it almost fell and ran out of the room. 32 Callie stared at the watch. 33 Upstairs, she heard Anna’s door slam shut. So much for the 34 perfect day. S 35 R 36 8 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 82 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śLet me see,” said Rick. 2 Wordlessly, Callie showed him the watch. Rick looked at it. 3 �śYou really think this is the real thing?” he asked. 4 �śWhy? You don’t?” 5 Rick shrugged. �śIt just doesn’t seem very likely. Why would 6 someone hide a Cartier watch? It’s probably just a fake someone 7 found when they were cleaning out their house or something.” 8 Callie had to stop herself from launching into explanations. 9 How she was the one who’d filled this basket, and she hadn’t put 10 a watch inside. But before she spoke, she realized that this would 11 only make things worse. It would only lead to further questions, 12 and then what would she say? If she convinced Rick that the 13 watch was authentic, he’d want to take it to the station. And 14 she �" she wanted to keep hold of it. For what she couldn’t say. 15 She reached out and took the watch from Rick. The time was 16 12:10. She dropped it into a pocket. 17 �śYou’re probably right,” she said. 18 h 19 20 It was a little before nine on May 7 when 20-year-old Dahlia Schuyler 21 jumped into her white Saab, a birthday present from her parents, and 22 made the short trip to Donovan’s Bar & Grill, where she’d planned to 23 meet friends for a quick drink. The pretty blonde Vanderbilt junior had 24 originally begged off, saying that she had to study for an organic chemistry 25 exam, but finally let herself be persuaded. �śWe told her that you’re only 26 young once,” recalled sorority sister Cindy Meyers. �śShe would rather 27 have stayed home, but she didn’t want to disappoint us. That was what 28 Dahlia was like. She always put her friends before herself. I know this 29 sounds like a cliché, but everyone just loved Dahlia.” 30 Those words are echoed again and again by Dahlia Schuyler’s friends 31 and family. By all accounts, the vivacious pre-med had lived a charmed 32 life. The daughter of a wealthy Nashville real estate developer and his so-33 cially active wife, she had enjoyed a privileged childhood. She attended 34 Harpeth Hall, a private girls’ school, and was always near the top of her 35 S class. Her classmates recall her as a popular girl, always at the center of a 36 R circle of friends, and her academic success was balanced with a healthy 8 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 83 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y range of interests. For many years, her first love was horseback riding, 1 and she rode whenever she could �" on weekends, after school, and dur-2 ing the summers �" taking ribbons in many competitions. As a young girl, 3 Dahlia hoped to become a veterinarian. She also loved children, and by the 4 time she arrived at Vanderbilt, she’d decided to become a pediatrician, a 5 dream that would stay with her for the rest of her short life. 6 By that spring, Dahlia was deservedly pleased with her life. With a 3.8 7 G.P.A. and stellar faculty recommendations, Dahlia knew she had a good 8 shot at being accepted at virtually any of the nation’s top medical schools. 9 And if the spring had been a little rocky �" just six weeks earlier, she’d 10 broken up with her boyfriend of two years �" she had the loving support of 11 family and friends and a bright and promising future. �śWe all knew that 12 Dahlia had been a little down,” said sorority sister Meyers. �śBut she never 13 wanted to talk about herself. Dahlia’s reaction to feeling blue was to focus 14 on other people. You’d start out asking how she was and then end up talk-15 ing about yourself. She was a very strong person, very mature. With a lot 16 of people, it’s like they expect to be happy all the time, but Dahlia accepted 17 the bad with the good and just tried to focus on the positive.” 18 In light of these words, it’s perhaps not surprising that the last thing 19 Dahlia did before heading off to join her friends was place a call to her 20 younger brother. The siblings were just two years apart, and they had al-21 ways been close. But while Dahlia had sailed through life, 18-year-old 22 Tucker had always struggled. Since graduating from high school the previ-23 ous year, he’d been floundering, picking up a series of low-paying jobs in 24 Nashville restaurants and spending, Dahlia thought, far too much time 25 alone. �śShe sort of felt guilty about Tucker,” said Meyers. �śLike it made 26 it harder for him that she was doing so good. Like she was this perfect crea-27 ture and he was this total failure.” On this particular night, Tucker had 28 sounded especially troubled, and Dahlia invited him to join her and her 29 friends. 30 Donovan’s is a dark, old-fashioned sort of place, popular with newspa-31 per reporters and local politicians as well as college students. That night, it 32 was doing a brisk business. Dahlia quickly found her friends. Cindy Mey-33 ers and Sharon Adams had arrived an hour or so earlier and were now on 34 their second round of frozen margaritas. After sitting down with the two S 35 young women, Dahlia tried to flag down a waiter but failed to get his at-R 36 8 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 84 A M Y G U T M A N 1 tention. She decided to go to the bar for her Diet Coke. She was feeling 2 tired, she told her friends, but wanted to wait for Tucker. 3 It was almost twenty minutes later when Cindy and Sharon, immersed 4 in conversation about an end-of-year dance, realized that Dahlia hadn’t 5 come back. �śWhen I looked over at the bar, I saw she was talking to this 6 guy,” Cindy Meyers said. �śIt looked like they’d been talking for a while. I 7 remember feeling glad because she hadn’t been too interested in anyone 8 since she broke up with Jim. I was thinking this might be a good sign. 9 Dahlia was sitting on a bar stool and the guy was leaning toward her. I al-10 most went over to say something, but I didn’t want to interrupt. I guess 11 Sharon and I went back to talking and then we’d finished our drinks and 12 Dahlia was still talking to the same guy. Anyway, we were fixing to leave, 13 so I finally just walked over, but as I got closer, he whispered something to 14 her and kind of slipped away. I told her we were going home, but she said 15 she was going to stay. Tucker still hadn’t got there, and she was waiting for 16 him. That was what she said. But also, I could tell she wanted to keep 17 talking to the guy she’d been talking to. She said his name was Steven.” 18 It was just after ten when Cindy and Sharon headed back to the Van-19 derbilt campus. 20 By eleven o’clock, when her brother showed up, Dahlia Schuyler was 21 gone . . . 22 23 Callie put down the book and leaned back against her bed-24 room wall, legs loosely extended before her, bare feet splayed. 25 She picked up the watch from the floor beside her and closely ex-26 amined it. For a fleeting moment, she wondered if maybe she was 27 going crazy. Could she have put the watch in Anna’s basket and 28 then somehow forgotten? She’d actually have preferred that sce-29 nario to the one now facing her. The noise she’d heard in the 30 yard last night. Someone had been watching. The watch and the 31 anniversary note. There had to be some connection. 32 It was almost one in the morning. 33 The book lay open in front of her. Now, closing the cover, she 34 absently turned it over, stared at the glamorous photograph on 35 S the back of the dust jacket. Diane Massey’s hair was swept to one 36 R side, and she gazed out from under it. Perhaps because she wasn’t 8 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 85 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y smiling, she appeared slightly disdainful. Her arms were folded 1 across her chest. On her left wrist, she wore a watch. 2 Dumbly, Callie stared at the picture, told herself it couldn’t be 3 true. 4 This couldn’t be the same watch that Anna had found. It 5 couldn’t. It just couldn’t. Because if it was, if it was . . . 6 Her mind wouldn’t process the thought. 7 Callie picked up the watch and looked at the photo again. The 8 image was so tiny. She needed a magnifying glass. They had one 9 somewhere in a kitchen drawer that Anna used for science class. 10 Downstairs at the table where they ate their meals, she studied 11 the photo again. She raised, then lowered the glass, until the 12 watch came clear. 13 The same gold bracelet. 14 The same white face. 15 While she couldn’t make out the inscription, she had no doubt 16 what it said. 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 8 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 86 Monday, April 17 W 1 h e r e were you supposed to meet her exactly?” The woman 2 on the phone was skeptical, polite, but just barely. Her name was 3 Marianne North, and she was Diane Massey’s editor. 4 �śAt my apartment. For lunch. She was supposed to come over 5 yesterday, but she . . .” Callie hesitated. �śShe never made it.” 6 �śAt your apartment in New York?” 7 �śUmmm . . . Yes. That’s right.” Callie twirled a piece of hair in 8 her fingers, thankful for caller-ID block. She wished that she’d 9 spent a little more time thinking through her cover story. For all 10 she knew, Diane was in L.A., out of the country even. 11 She decided to cut her losses and just plunge ahead. �śLook, you 12 can believe me or not. But what’s the harm in checking?” 13 Seconds later, when she hung up the phone, Callie felt de-14 feated. 15 It was shortly after one o’clock, a cool, overcast day. She’d 16 planned to work this morning, to catch up on reading for school. 17 Instead, she’d spent most of the morning trying to reach Diane. 18 Not surprisingly, Diane had an unlisted number, so she’d called 19 Diane’s publisher. At Carillon Books, she’d been transferred, put 20 on hold, disconnected. She’d left numerous messages, none of 21 them returned. She’d been about to give up and try the New York 22 police when Marianne North had called back. 23 From her perch on the side of her bed, Callie’s eyes moved to 24 the watch. It was sitting on her nightstand. Now she picked it up. 25 On the back of the face were numbers and letters: 1120, followed 26 S by 157480CD. A serial number, she supposed, proof of owner-27 R ship. She reminded herself that she couldn’t be sure that this 8 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 87 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y watch belonged to Diane. But even as she tried to reassure her-1 self, her anxiety was growing. 2 She hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Maybe food would help. 3 As she walked downstairs, she was conscious of an overpower-4 ing silence, broken only by the muffled sound of her footsteps on 5 the carpet. Faces in the photographs lining the wall watched her 6 slow descent. She and Anna on a Nantucket beach. Anna at Dis-7 ney World. A formal portrait of Anna at six. Anna on a sled. She 8 found herself wondering about these pictures, why she had so 9 many. It was almost like she was building a case that she really 10 had a life. See, we were here. And here and here and here. For a mo-11 ment, it struck her as slightly bizarre, almost embarrassing. 12 In the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator and stared blankly 13 at its contents. If she’d had the time she might have cooked 14 something, a childhood comfort food. Meat loaf and mashed po-15 tatoes. Macaroni and cheese. Instead, she settled on a peanut 16 butter sandwich along with a glass of milk. 17 She put the sandwich on a plate and sat down at the table. As 18 she ate, she looked around the kitchen, but something didn’t feel 19 right. The pleasure she normally took in this room was sharply 20 diminished today. Everywhere she looked, she confronted hidden 21 dangers. The knife block on the kitchen counter. A long three-22 pronged fork. The gas jets on the kitchen stove, odorless yet 23 lethal. For the first time, she fully grasped the truth of Rick’s ob-24 servation. She could see how the kitchen was, in fact, the most 25 dangerous room in the house. 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 8 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 88 Tuesday, April 18 D 1 e p u t y Tim O’Hara drove his Jeep Cherokee off the ferry 2 onto Blue Peek Island. He wished that he’d had time to change 3 before coming out today. In a Shetland sweater and freshly 4 pressed khakis, he was feeling a little self-conscious. He looked 5 like the clueless college kid he’d struggled to prove he wasn’t. 6 O’Hara pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto Main 7 Street. He hadn’t been on the island since summer and was 8 struck by the bleakness of it. During July and August, the island’s 9 population grew to over a thousand, but during the long dark 10 winters, it shrank to a couple hundred. By June, the summer 11 people would start trickling in and Main Street would burst to 12 life. Today, though, it was hard to believe that this change would 13 ever take place. Everywhere he looked was gray. The place felt 14 like a ghost town. 15 Last summer, he’d been the deputy assigned to island duty, a 16 standard first-year rotation in the Hanson County sheriff’s office. 17 Blue Peek Island was forty-five minutes offshore but technically 18 part of the county. Four days a week, for three long months, with 19 almost nothing to do. He’d taken to driving around the island, 20 patrolling its quiet streets. He’d given several speeding tickets, 21 arrested a mailbox vandal. As he saw it, he was just doing his job, 22 something to earn his paycheck. But the islanders had rolled 23 their eyes. They’d called him Mr. Columbo. He’d gritted his 24 teeth and pretended to laugh, but he hadn’t thought it was funny. 25 So he was only twenty-three. He still deserved respect. 26 S Today would be different, though. At least that’s what he 27 R hoped. Maybe, just maybe, he’d finally catch his first real case. A 8 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 89 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y major step toward his long-term goal of joining the Maine State 1 Police. 2 He’d been on his way to pick up his fiancée when the sergeant’s 3 call came in. They’d planned to have dinner with Molly’s folks 4 after a trip to the mall. 5 �śI need you to check out a call on Blue Peek Island. Missing 6 person report. I’d send Barrett out,” the sergeant said, �śbut he 7 doesn’t know the island.” 8 �śNo problem,” O’Hara responded. �śI’ll take the next boat out.” 9 A missing person report. This could be interesting. 10 He’d pulled out a long thin notebook and flipped open the 11 cover. At the bottom of the first page, he scrawled a 1. If the 12 notepad was ever introduced in court, that could be important. 13 Consecutive numbering could help to prove that the evidence 14 hadn’t been altered. 15 �śName’s Diane Massey.” 16 O’Hara’s pen, poised to write, stayed in midair. �śYou kidding 17 me?” he said. 18 �śYou know her?” 19 �śWell, sure, I mean she’s . . .” O’Hara stopped. No point in 20 making the sergeant feel like a total idiot. �śShe’s a writer. She 21 wrote this book about Steven Gage. You know, the serial killer.” 22 �śI know who Steven Gage is.” The sergeant sounded ag-23 grieved. �śSo you know this Massey woman?” 24 �śNot know her exactly. I mean, I saw her around last summer 25 when she visited her parents. They’ve got this gigantic house 26 right on the tip of North Point.” 27 �śYeah, that’s what I hear,” the sergeant said. �śAnyway, here’s 28 the deal. I got a call from this woman in New York. Her 29 name’s �" let me see �" Marianne North. Says she’s Massey’s ed-30 itor and she can’t get in touch with her. Probably nothing, you 31 know, but this woman was real insistent.” 32 Probably nothing. 33 But maybe not . . . 34 O’Hara parked in an empty space. Today he had his pick. The S 35 Massey house was just up the road, overlooking the Narrows. The R 36 8 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 90 A M Y G U T M A N 1 house was visible from where he stood, fog-shrouded and impos-2 ing. It had been built by one Thomas Massey, more than a hun-3 dred years ago. 4 Last summer, he’d spent a couple of hours at the Blue Peek Is-5 land History Museum, learned about the wealthy Boston families 6 who’d built the first summer homes. They’d called themselves 7 rusticators and relished simple pleasures. Their summers were 8 filled with a festive round of sailing, parties, and picnics. These 9 days, descendants of those first settlers returned with their own 10 children. But the summer people wouldn’t start to arrive for an-11 other month at least. The island was all but deserted now. Why 12 was Diane Massey here? 13 A set of granite steps led up to the house, which was shielded 14 by a stand of pine trees. From where he stood, he could just make 15 out a corner of the shingled roof. As a breeze came up, he heard 16 a rustle of trees tossing in the wind. He flipped the latch on a low 17 gate and headed up the stairs. 18 O’Hara rapped on the back door, three sharp knocks. He 19 waited a bit, then tried again. Still no response. The porch where 20 he stood wrapped around the house. Now he walked toward the 21 front, his footsteps sounding hollowly on the worn wooden 22 planks. Below him, a vast expanse of lawn ended in granite cliffs. 23 By summer, the grass would be emerald green, a smooth velvet 24 carpet. Today, it was still scruffy and brown with weeds poking 25 through it. 26 By the front door, he saw a wooden folding chair with a blue 27 canvas seat. Beside the chair, on a rickety table, was an ashtray 28 filled with cigarette butts. A few more knocks. Still no answer. 29 He tried the door. It opened. 30 �śMs. Massey? Are you here?” 31 He was standing in a two-story foyer with a broad staircase to 32 his left. At the end of the central hallway, he saw a closed door. 33 �śHello?” O’Hara called. 34 It was darker in the house than it was outside. O’Hara flipped 35 S a light switch. A heavy wrought-iron chandelier sent out a dusty 36 R glow. 9 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 91 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Then, as he inhaled, he smelled something, a faint scent of rot. 1 He walked down the hall. The smell grew stronger. His hand 2 moved to his gun. For an instant he considered calling Dispatch, 3 then decided against it. If it turned out to be a false alarm, he’d be 4 asking for it. He’d already taken enough ribbing for that Mr. 5 Columbo bit. Better to handle this on his own. Not get too ex-6 cited. 7 When he reached the door, he pushed it open and found him-8 self in the kitchen. The room was empty, no one here, but the 9 smell almost made him retch. He found a light switch on the 10 wall, clicked it, and scanned the room. There was an ancient 11 woodstove and, next to it, a modern gas-fueled one. A dining 12 table with four cane chairs. Dishes set out to dry. Everything ap-13 peared to be clean, in order. Where was that smell coming from? 14 Over beside the woodstove, he noticed a narrow door. 15 He approached and flung it open, peered into its depths. 16 Brooms and mops. Cleaning products. Just a utility closet. 17 From where he stood, the stench was fainter. It was stronger 18 nearer the hallway. Testing, he moved in that direction. Yes, he 19 was getting closer. Beneath the sink was a cabinet. He knelt 20 down and opened it. Breathing in, he almost gagged, enveloped 21 in rotting foulness. 22 Jesus. 23 Breathing through his mouth, he gingerly fished out the plas-24 tic wastebasket. Tuna fish cans, molding rice and beans, a gelati-25 nous stinking mess. Who would have thought that ordinary food 26 could give off such a stench? Stomach heaving, he closed the cab-27 inet. His mind continued to work. During the summers, the is-28 land dump was open on Tuesdays and Saturdays. But even if the 29 schedule were less frequent off season, she’d have put her trash 30 outside. Could she have gone off island, forgetting to take it out? 31 That was possible, of course, but it didn’t seem so likely. 32 His skin felt prickly, like when he was a kid and his dad would 33 take him hunting and he knew that something was about to hap-34 pen but wasn’t sure what or when. Leaving the kitchen, he went S 35 down the hall, heading for the stairway. R 36 9 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 92 A M Y G U T M A N 1 He walked past the shrouded living room, furniture covered in 2 sheets. For the first time, he noticed another door on the other 3 side of the room. Crossing the floor, he opened it and found him-4 self in a study. 5 Unlike the other rooms, this one showed signs of use. On the 6 massive desk was a Sony laptop attached to a portable printer. 7 There were stacks of papers on the desk and floor, a space heater 8 in the corner. Newspaper clippings were everywhere, spilling out 9 of folders. Glancing at one of the headlines, he saw the name 10 Winnie Dandridge. Everything suddenly fell into place. Diane 11 Massey had come here to write. 12 O’Hara walked back through the living room and into the en-13 trance foyer. From there, he proceeded up the stairs, into another 14 hallway. Off the hall were half a dozen doors, all but one of them 15 closed. He went toward the door that was slightly ajar. 16 �śMs. Massey? Are you there?” 17 His heart was beating faster now, and he kept a hand on his 18 gun. But when he looked inside the room, he saw that it, too, was 19 empty. White curtains. Water views. Two single beds. One of the 20 beds was rumpled, the other piled with clothing. At least half a 21 dozen pairs of shoes were lined up beneath it. Running shoes. 22 Hiking boots. A pair of sandals with heels so high that he 23 couldn’t see how she’d walk. The only time he’d seen shoes like 24 that was on that TV show Molly made him watch, the one with 25 the four cute New York girls who had sex with everyone. 26 He checked the closets, under the beds, then moved to the 27 other rooms. Then, back downstairs, he did a sweep of the areas 28 he hadn’t covered. Now that he was sure that the house was 29 empty, he considered his next move. Who would Diane have 30 been most likely to see? He thought of Jenny Ward. Someone as 31 famous as Diane Massey had to be getting mail. The post office 32 closed in the afternoons. Jenny was probably home now. O’Hara 33 turned on his cell phone and got the number from information. 34 �śYeah?” It was a man’s voice, Jenny’s husband, Phil. 35 S �śIs Jenny there?” 36 R �śWho’s calling?” 9 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 93 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śIt’s Tim O’Hara. From the sheriff’s office.” 1 Something that sounded like a snort from the other end of the 2 phone. And what can I do for you, Mr. Columbo? O’Hara felt him-3 self flush. While he hadn’t been to the island for months, his rep-4 utation survived him. 5 �śShe there?” 6 Silence and then Jenny was on the line. 7 �śHello?” Jenny said. As if she were asking a question. He re-8 membered her, pleasant and matter-of-fact. She’d always been 9 nice to him. 10 �śI’m trying to find Diane Massey. I understand she’s been on 11 the island.” 12 �śYes, she’s been out here writing. I told her I think she’s crazy 13 staying up there on the water. The house isn’t winterized, you 14 know. Even with space heaters, she’s still got to be freezing. And 15 then there’s the danger of fire. I really think �"” 16 O’Hara broke in. �śI was wondering if you’d seen her in the past 17 few days.” 18 A pause. 19 �śNo,” Jenny said finally. �śNot for a week or so. Why?” In the 20 background, a baby had started to cry. 21 O’Hara hesitated. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to 22 have on an easily monitored cell phone. �śListen, would you mind 23 if I stopped by? Just for a couple of minutes.” 24 �śUh, just a sec.” Muffled sounds in the background, then Jenny 25 was back. �śWe’re about to go out.” 26 Her voice sounded artificially bright, and he could tell that she 27 was lying. �śIt won’t take long,” O’Hara said. 28 �śWell . . .” She sounded helpless. 29 �śI’ll see you in about five minutes.” 30 Before she could answer, he hung up. 31 32 The Wards lived in a snug white house halfway across the island. 33 This neighborhood was a world apart from the grand homes lin-34 ing the shore. These houses were stolid, compact dwellings built S 35 for year-round living. The lobster traps piled in yards attested to R 36 9 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 94 A M Y G U T M A N 1 hard daily work. Parked in the driveways were pickup trucks, 2 older Fords and Chevys. 3 Jenny greeted him at the door, a baby slung over her shoulder. 4 �śSo what’s this about?” she asked him, once they’d both sat down. 5 �śIt’s probably nothing,” O’Hara said, echoing the sergeant. 6 Jenny bounced her enormous baby. Man, that kid was ugly. 7 Smiling at the pie-faced child, O’Hara pulled out his notebook. 8 �śI’ve just been trying to catch up with Ms. Massey. She isn’t at 9 the house. You have any idea where she might have gone?” 10 As he spoke, he quickly numbered the pages: 6, 7, 8 . . . 11 Phil Ward lumbered into the living room, a dark, hulking man. 12 �śWe gotta go to my mother’s now. We’re already late,” he said. 13 Jenny looked up. �śI thought she said five.” 14 Her husband scowled at her. 15 �śThe sooner we get through these questions, the sooner I’ll be 16 gone.” O’Hara kept his tone polite, though it really took some ef-17 fort. 18 �śWhatever you say, Mr. Columbo. ” Phil Ward shambled out. 19 O’Hara heard him in the kitchen, popping open a can. 20 Jenny’s brows were knit together. She looked distracted now. 21 Still bouncing her huge kid, she glanced toward the other room. 22 �śAbout Ms. Massey?” O’Hara prompted. �śCan you think where 23 she might be?” 24 Jenny shook her head. �śShe pretty much stays at home. She 25 doesn’t even hardly go to the market. She brought food from the 26 mainland.” 27 �śShe have any visitors?” 28 �śNo. At least, I don’t think so. She came out here to finish this 29 book. Have you read any of the ones she’s written? They’re all 30 really great. The first one is still my favorite though, the one 31 about Steven Gage. I can’t remember what it’s called. Something 32 about disappearing.” 33 �śThe Vanishing Man.” 34 Jenny looked at him, pleased. �śYeah. That’s right. You read it?” 35 S �śYup.” He quickly moved ahead. �śWhen was the last time you 36 R saw her?” 9 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 95 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śI’m not exactly sure. Not this week. Maybe early last week? 1 The last time she was in, she picked up some FedEx packages. 2 We’d have a record of that. I could �"” Jenny broke off. �śI just 3 thought of something. Diane went running every day, out by Car-4 son’s Cove. She said it helped her think. Gosh, I hope she’s okay.” 5 The baby let out a fretful wail. Jenny patted its back. 6 �śShe’s probably fine,” O’Hara said. �śMade a trip to the main-7 land or something.” 8 �śMaybe.” Jenny didn’t sound convinced. �śWe’ve had some 9 trouble with a few boys shooting off guns in the woods. I should 10 have reminded her to wear bright colors. She’s from the city, you 11 know? She might not have remembered.” 12 13 The rutted dirt road that led to Carson’s Cove was lined with 14 towering trees. As O’Hara drove down the curving path, the 15 shadowy air grew cooler. The road ended in a small clearing, and 16 O’Hara parked his Jeep. He jumped out and headed for the break 17 in the woods that led to a narrow footpath. 18 It hadn’t rained for a couple of weeks, and the path was cov-19 ered with dry brown leaves. Even if Diane had been through 20 here, she wouldn’t have left footprints. It occurred to him that he 21 hadn’t seen a car when he’d stopped by the Massey house. He 22 should have thought to ask Jenny if Diane had brought one over. 23 He’d just caught the first glimpse of slate-blue sea when he no-24 ticed a change in terrain. A few yards back, the leaves and pine 25 needles had formed a smoothly packed bed. Here they were looser 26 in places, as if they’d been disturbed. He got down on his hands 27 and knees to study the ground more closely. Twigs and pine cones 28 gouged his palms as he slowly edged forward. But there still weren’t 29 any footprints that he could see, no sign of human presence. The 30 most likely explanation, he decided, was some sort of animal. 31 O’Hara climbed to his feet. A bird cried shrilly. Leaves and dirt 32 clung to his pants. He brushed at them with his hands. The 33 woods seemed to close around him, silent and oppressive. Con-34 tinuing down the path toward the water, he walked just a little S 35 bit faster. R 36 9 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 96 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Twenty feet farther, to the side of the path, he saw an aban-2 doned shed. Its weathered boards had shrunk apart and the roof 3 was caving through. In front, there was a gaping hole where a 4 door must once have been. 5 Making his way through the undergrowth, O’Hara peered in-6 side. He aimed a flashlight into the shed, exploring its dark cor-7 ners. The cavernous space was overflowing with what looked like 8 the refuse of a lifetime. A rusting boat trailer. Woodworking 9 tools. Ancient lobster traps and buoys. Slowly, O’Hara moved 10 the light from one object to another. No sign that anyone had 11 been through here anytime recently. When he was through, he 12 clicked off the flashlight and went back outside. 13 Later, he couldn’t say exactly what drew his attention to the 14 side of the shed, to the thick tangle of fallen branches piled 15 against a wall. But as he moved in for a closer look, he glimpsed 16 something there behind it. There was a sparking sensation in his 17 mind and heart. For an instant, he couldn’t think. 18 She was curled up on her right side, her body stripped of cloth-19 ing. O’Hara crashed through the underbrush and knelt down be-20 side her. Flat brown eyes stared blankly at the tops of his leather 21 boots. A stream of dried blood ran from her mouth, the color of 22 molten rust. Her face was bloated and deeply bruised, but he had 23 no doubt who she was. 24 The smell floated up around him, like fish or shrimp gone bad. 25 There was something wrapped around her neck, a tight black lig-26 ature. He checked the ordinary human impulse to reach down 27 and loosen it. His job was to protect the crime scene, leave every-28 thing as it was. The body had to stay as he’d found it until the 29 state police arrived. 30 Then he noticed something else, and his body seemed to 31 clench. Her arm, it was something on her arm, a series of deep 32 gashes. All in a row. Orderly. Someone had taken their time. The 33 image was something that he’d seen before but only in a book, in 34 a homicide manual showing examples of serial killers’ work. 35 S A shiver passed through O’Hara’s body, and he felt a little lost. 36 R 9 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 97 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y For the first time, it occurred to him that he’d never seen a corpse 1 before. 2 Then he was back on his feet, pulling out his cell phone. 3 Cutting his eyes away from the body, he placed the call to Dis-4 patch. 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 9 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 98 Thursday, April 20 1 After an exhilarating post-graduation trip to Europe, I settled into the 2 training program at Lowell, Cafferty, a brokerage firm in Boston. It was 3 there that I met Joe Flick. Right away, we knew we were soul mates. Both 4 of us were marathon runners, and could think of no better way to spend a 5 Saturday night than to search out great live music. Perhaps most impor-6 tantly, though, we discovered a shared obsession with Fresh Samantha’s 7 Vanilla Almond Soy Shake! Last Christmas, we announced our engage-8 ment. If all goes as scheduled, we’ll be married by the time you read this 9 and settling into our new apartment in Boston’s Back Bay. 10 11 Callie looked up from the Fifth Reunion report she’d been 12 editing for the past two hours. She was awash in stories of prom-13 ising lives, a sea of self-congratulation. A bit cynically she won-14 dered how the reality measured up. These seamless records of 15 accomplishment, what did they leave out? She thought, too, of 16 the graduates who hadn’t sent in the survey, of those who’d pro-17 vided just name and address or hadn’t responded at all. Maybe 18 they’d tried to answer the questions, then finally given up, over-19 come with a sense that at age twenty-six they’d already lost the 20 race. 21 Callie rubbed her eyes. Time for a break, she thought. 22 Crossing through the reception area, she dropped a stack of 23 edited pages on Posy Kisch’s desk. As usual, Posy was on the 24 phone. She didn’t look up. Her hair, a purplish red today, almost 25 matched her lipstick. �śSo I was, like, no way. And he told me to, 26 S like, shut up . . .” 27 R 9 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 99 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Martha was at her desk, typing away on something. She looked 1 up, slightly distracted, as Callie came through the door. 2 �śWhat are we going to do about Kabuki Girl?” Callie asked, 3 once she’d shut the door. 4 Martha gave a helpless shrug. �śWhat can we do?” she asked. 5 �śAnyway, it’s just for another month. Next year, maybe we’ll do 6 better.” 7 Callie plunked herself in a chair. �śWindham College. Where 8 the student rules. That should be the motto. Next year, we should 9 definitely insist that we at least get to interview.” 10 �śYeah. I guess you’re right.” Martha took a sip of coffee from a 11 blue ceramic mug. �śAt least she’s here,” she said mildly. 12 Callie rolled her eyes. �śFor once.” 13 In recent weeks, Posy’s sporadic attendance had become even 14 more erratic. An overdue paper. A sick ferret. A malfunctioning 15 alarm. At this point, Callie didn’t even bother asking why she 16 hadn’t shown up. �śJust call us if you’re not coming in,” she’d said 17 tiredly. Sullenly, Posy had said she would. Then she’d skipped 18 three days. 19 �śHow’s she going to hold a job once she gets out of school?” 20 �śThankfully, that’s not our problem,” said Martha. 21 �śI guess you’re right,” said Callie. 22 A swirl of dark hair fell over Martha’s forehead, and she shoved 23 it back absently. She had square capable artist’s hands, the nails 24 clipped short. Along with her job at Windham, she worked as a 25 ceramic artist. She’d married young, divorced, and now had two 26 teenage kids. Martha seemed to take life as it came, and Callie 27 admired that. 28 �śSo how’ve you been?” Martha asked after another sip of cof-29 fee. �śI’ve hardly seen you this week. How was that Easter thing?” 30 Callie felt a dip in her stomach. �śFine,” she said. �śFun.” 31 �śAnna doing okay?” 32 �śShe seems to be. No recent explosions.” 33 �śAnd Rick?” 34 �śHe . . . he’s good. ” Callie struggled to convey a confidence S 35 R 36 9 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 100 A M Y G U T M A N 1 she was far from feeling. In fact, things with Rick were compli-2 cated. She wasn’t sure where they stood. His proposal still hung 3 over them, a floating question mark. 4 �śHe’s a great guy,” said Martha. 5 �śYes,” said Callie. �śHe is.” 6 As she met Martha’s serene blue eyes, Callie felt a twinge of 7 guilt. Why should she have Rick while Martha had no one? Cal-8 lie knew Martha was okay with it, that she didn’t need a man. At 9 the same time, she knew that her friend would be happier if she 10 had a partner. She’d answered the occasional personal ad, been 11 fixed up by friends, but except for a few amusing stories had little 12 to show for her efforts. 13 Impulsively, Callie leaned toward her. �śThere’s someone I 14 want you to meet.” 15 Martha raised her eyebrows, as if to say, �śShoot.” 16 �śHe’s a cop, a friend of Rick’s. He lives in my neighborhood.” 17 Briefly she described Tod Carver. Martha seemed interested. 18 �śRick thinks he’s still not over his ex-wife. But you have to start 19 somewhere. He has two kids, both pretty young. Is that a prob-20 lem?” 21 �śNope.” 22 Callie smiled. �śOkay then. I’ll talk to him this week. I could 23 have you both to dinner.” 24 A knock on Martha’s closed door, then Posy poked her head 25 in. There was something eerie about the makeup covering the 26 fresh young face. Not for the first time, Callie wondered why she 27 did this to herself. A desperate bid for attention, or did she just 28 like how it looked? 29 �śA guy named Nathan’s here to see you,” Posy said to Callie. 30 Nathan. Callie groaned to herself. She’d half forgotten their 31 plans. Nathan had called early this morning to ask if she’d have 32 lunch. She’d begged off, saying that she was too busy but finally 33 agreed to coffee. 34 �śHe says you’re expecting him,” Posy said. 35 S �śThanks. I’ll be right out.” 36 R 1 0 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 101 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Posy closed, almost slammed, the door. The office reverberated. 1 �śYou could always say no,” Martha mouthed, as Callie stood to 2 leave. 3 �śWhy didn’t I think of that?” Callie whispered. �śNext time, 4 definitely. Hey, are you through with the Globe?” 5 �śTake it,” Martha said. 6 Callie grabbed the paper from a bookcase and went out to 7 meet Nathan. 8 He was standing next to Posy’s desk, all gangly arms and legs. 9 He shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes trained to the floor. 10 As Callie approached, his head jerked up, and color flooded his 11 face. 12 �śHi, Callie.” He seemed on edge, more so than usual. 13 Callie made a quick decision. 14 �śNathan, I’m really swamped today. I don’t have time to go 15 out. If you want, we can have a cup of coffee here. Then I’ve got 16 to get back to work.” 17 At first she thought he was going to object, but he seemed to 18 think better of it. 19 �śOkay,” he said, with an awkward shrug. �śLet’s just stay here 20 then.” 21 As she handed Nathan a mug of coffee, Callie noticed Posy 22 watching. In the place of her usual bored detachment was an al-23 most avid interest. For an instant, Callie wondered what Posy 24 was thinking. Then Nathan started to talk. 25 They carried their coffee into Callie’s office. She didn’t close 26 the door. Directing Nathan to the visitor’s chair, she sat behind 27 her desk. 28 �śDid you miss me?” Nathan asked, once they’d settled in. He 29 was looking at her intensely, an odd smile on his face. 30 �śMiss you?” Callie said lightly. �śI didn’t know you were gone.” 31 His smile turned petulant. �śI was sick. I had the flu. Didn’t you 32 see that I wasn’t in class? I usually sit with you.” 33 �śI’m glad you’re better,” Callie said. 34 Nathan didn’t answer. Now he was looking around the room, S 35 R 36 1 0 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 102 A M Y G U T M A N 1 as if preoccupied. �śI saw this great video the other night, this Nazi 2 propaganda film. Incredible pictures of Nazis kissing babies. Lots 3 of stuff like that.” 4 Callie stared at him. Had he always been this creepy? When 5 they first met, she’d thought he was strange but sweet. Now he 6 just seemed strange. 7 �śThat doesn’t sound like it’s up my alley,” Callie finally said. 8 Ten minutes later, when they said good-bye, Callie felt a vast 9 relief. She stood in the doorway of the office suite until he turned 10 the corner. 11 As Callie headed back to her office, Posy asked, �śWho was 12 that guy?” 13 �śHe’s a junior,” Callie said. �śHis name’s Nathan Lacoste.” 14 �śHow do you know him?” 15 �śHe’s in one of my classes. What’s with all the questions?” 16 Posy was blushing now. �śNothing,” she mumbled, ducking her 17 head. �śI was just wondering.” Beneath the thick layer of white 18 pancake, her face was a mottled pink. 19 Posy was interested in Nathan! Callie almost laughed. Nathan 20 and Kabuki Girl. What a perfect pair. At least it was something 21 to keep in mind if Nathan showed up again. Who knew? Maybe 22 it would even work. Maybe they’d be good for each other. 23 Back at her desk, Callie launched into the next stack of ques-24 tionnaires. 25 26 After graduation, I moved to New York, where I worked as a paralegal 27 at Cravath, Swaine & Moore . . . 28 29 God, it was all too tedious. She grabbed the newspaper she’d 30 snagged from Martha and skimmed the front-page headlines. She 31 wouldn’t mind seeing a movie this weekend, though not the one 32 Nathan had mentioned. She flipped through the newspaper’s sec-33 tions, searching for the listings. 34 Diane Massey 35 S The name jumped from the page. For an instant, she thought 36 R she’d imagined it, but another part of her knew. Blood rushed to 1 0 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 103 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Callie’s head. Her heart began to race. Deep inside her, a voice 1 was saying, This is what you’ve been waiting for. 2 For a moment, the name seemed to float, unattached to anything 3 else. Then, slowly, her focus widened, and she could read the sur-4 rounding words. MYSTERY DEEPENS IN CRIME WRITER’S 5 DEATH. And beneath the boldface headline, in smaller type: 6 diane massey led quiet life in final days on island. 7 She read through the article quickly once, then again more 8 slowly. 9 It obviously wasn’t the first report, maybe not even the second. 10 It wasn’t until the end that the facts of the crime were recapped. 11 Diane had gone to the island for quiet, to finish work on a book. 12 It appeared that she’d been ambushed during her daily afternoon 13 run. As of yet, no suspects had been publicly identified. The 14 cause of death was blunt force trauma, and Diane had also been 15 strangled. When her body was discovered, a black nylon stocking 16 was twisted around her throat. 17 Callie’s eyes froze on the printed words. 18 A black nylon stocking. 19 In a haze, she lurched up from her chair and into Martha’s of-20 fice. She wasn’t feeling well, she said. Maybe a touch of the flu. 21 Martha’s expressions of concern seemed to come from far away. 22 At the same time, sensations in her own body seemed strangely 23 magnified. She could feel the blood flowing through her veins, 24 the skin clinging to bone. Every cell of her being seemed to vi-25 brate at lightning speed. 26 Callie walked the seven blocks home barely paying attention. 27 A Volkswagen bug screeched to a halt as she crossed against the 28 light. Through the windshield, she glimpsed the shaken driver, 29 her eyes two small moons. Vaguely, Callie realized that she could 30 have been hit, but this fact barely registered. What am I going to 31 do? she thought. What am I going to do? She couldn’t handle this 32 alone anymore, that much was clear. But where could she turn for 33 help? Whom could she talk to? It had to be someone who knew 34 her history. Someone she could trust. S 35 Then, as Callie unlocked the front door, a face flashed from R 36 1 0 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 104 A M Y G U T M A N 1 the past. She ran quickly through her mental checklist. A match 2 on every score. Smart and incisive, knew the past, and one added 3 draw: For professional reasons she’d be bound to keep any secrets 4 she was told. 5 For the first time since she’d seen the paper, Callie’s mind 6 cleared a bit. Inside, she bounded up the stairs and went straight 7 to her room. She still had her old address books, stuffed in a jum-8 bled desk drawer. She dug out the black one with the vinyl cover 9 and flipped to the W’s. 10 �śMs. White is no longer employed with the firm.” 11 Callie’s heart sank. �śDo you know where I could reach her?” 12 A pause. �śI’ll transfer you.” 13 It took some time, but she finally got a forwarding phone num-14 ber. As soon as she hung up the phone, she picked up and dialed 15 again. 16 �śHarwich and Young,” a voice said. 17 Callie’s heart was pounding. �śI’m calling for Melanie White,” 18 she said. 19 A click and then a ringing. 20 �śMelanie White’s office.” An impersonal female voice. 21 Callie clutched the phone. The moment seemed unreal. �śI . . . 22 I need to . . . ,” she began. �śMay I speak with Melanie?” 23 Callie was sitting on the side of her bed, leaning slightly for-24 ward. She’d twisted one leg around the other, and they both felt 25 slightly numb. 26 �śI’m sorry, but Ms. White is in a meeting now. Would you like 27 to leave a message?” 28 �śJust . . . just that Callie Thayer called. It’s important that I 29 speak with her.” 30 Half an hour later, Callie tried again. 31 �śPlease,” she said. �śThis is urgent.” 32 �śIf I could tell Ms. White what this is about �"” 33 Callie sensed an edge of annoyance. 34 �śNo,” she said. �śI’m sorry. It’s . . . it’s personal.” 35 S After she’d hung up again, Callie slumped back on her pillows. 36 R She lay there for another twenty minutes, barely moving at all. 1 0 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 105 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y She felt totally exhausted, as if she’d been up for days. She had an 1 urge to pull back the covers, to climb under them and sleep. But 2 another part of her was wide awake and knew what she had to do. 3 Still lying flat on her back, she picked up the phone. She didn’t 4 have to look at the number. She had it memorized. 5 �śMs. White’s office.” The same cool voice. 6 In an instant, the past flashed through Callie’s mind, the path 7 that had brought her here. It was like she was standing at the 8 edge of a cliff, poised, about to leap. She didn’t want to take that 9 step, but she didn’t have a choice. She took a deep breath, closed 10 her eyes. 11 �śPlease tell her this is Laura Seton.” 12 13 h 14 �śLaura Seton?” 15 Melanie White looked up from the floor where, crouched amid 16 a sea of boxes and papers, she was spot-checking the production 17 work of a team of junior associates. Outside the sky was a brilliant 18 blue, but Melanie hardly noticed. The documents still had to be 19 photocopied and shipped out by midnight. 20 �śIt’s the same woman, I’m sure. The one who’s been calling all 21 morning.” Tina Dryer was small, just five foot one, and very, very 22 pregnant. Her pursed lips signaled disapproval of this waste of 23 Melanie’s time. 24 �śI . . .” Melanie stared at Tina, caught totally off guard. The 25 facts of the Connor Pharmaceuticals case collided with the past, 26 thoughts of market share and dominance giving way to a sharp 27 nostalgia. 28 Far below, horns blared and tires screeched, but Melanie didn’t 29 hear them. She was back in Nashville in a rented Ford Escort, 30 driving out I-40 toward the prison. The Riverbend Maximum Se-31 curity Institution. Tennessee’s death row. A huge red sun was 32 beating down as she frantically talked on her cell phone. How 33 much more time? Have you heard anything? Isn’t there one more, one 34 more, one more . . . S 35 Then she was in a smoke-filled hotel room with Mark Kelly R 36 1 0 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 106 A M Y G U T M A N 1 and Fred Irving. It was in watching the senior partners’ haggard 2 faces that she’d realized it was over. They were still drinking cof-3 fee, smoking cigarettes, talking strategy. But in the hard, clear 4 eyes of the older lawyers she’d recognized the truth. 5 �śI tried to get her to tell me what’s so important, but . . .” Tina 6 made a helpless motion with her hands, then dropped them to 7 her tight round belly. 8 �śLaura Seton,” Melanie said, lingering on the words. As if by 9 simply repeating the name, she could find an explanation. 10 Decisively, she got to her feet. �śOkay, Tina, I’ll take it.” 11 A slight lift of plucked eyebrows, but Tina didn’t say anything. 12 She simply turned and left the room, closing the door behind her. 13 Melanie picked up on the phone’s first ring. �śMelanie White,” 14 she said, sitting down behind her desk. 15 �śMelanie? It’s . . . it’s Laura Seton. I know it’s been a long time.” 16 The voice caught Melanie by surprise. Husky and stronger 17 than expected. Not at all the voice that she recalled. Or imag-18 ined that she recalled. Not a voice that she’d ever have con-19 nected with the Laura Seton she’d known. 20 In her mind’s eye, Laura was a hazy image, fading out at the 21 edges. And it wasn’t just the passage of time; it had been that way 22 even then. Laura had always given the impression of being 23 slightly out of focus. As if she were being observed through a 24 camera in need of adjustment. Perhaps it was the waves of fawn-25 colored hair that tumbled over her face, the vague ineffectual 26 gesture she’d make to push it back. Even now Melanie remem-27 bered how the gesture had come to annoy her. She’d had to sup-28 press an impulse to grab hold of Laura’s hand. 29 �śYou remember me?” the Laura, not-Laura, voice said. The 30 words framed a question but it sounded more like a statement. 31 An awareness that the passage of time could never erase what 32 they’d shared. 33 �śYes,” said Melanie. �śOf course.” 34 Another wave of memories flooded over her. The heady ex-35 S citement of her early days as a lawyer at Watkins & Graham. She’d 36 R just moved to Washington, D.C., after taking the bar exam. She 1 0 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 107 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y had a tiny apartment in Dupont Circle, just two Metro stops from 1 the firm. The day she was called to Mark Kelly’s office began like 2 any other. She was working on a lengthy memorandum dealing 3 with choice of law. Kelly, harried and intense, eyed her apprais-4 ingly. �śI’ve got a pro bono assignment for you. We’ll be handling 5 the appeal in Steven Gage’s case.” 6 At the time it had seemed like an incredible coup, but of 7 course, she’d been naive. Only years later did she understand 8 the reason she’d been picked. Like Dahlia, she’d been raised in 9 Nashville. Their families were even neighbors. It was almost as if 10 Dahlia herself had been fighting for his life. None of this mat-11 tered legally; it was a question of atmospherics. But faced with an 12 uphill battle on appeal, they’d decided it couldn’t hurt. 13 In the end, though, none of it had made a difference. They’d 14 killed him anyway. And there she’d been, a fifth-year associate, 15 all but useless to the law firm. An expensive item on a balance 16 sheet, hard to justify. She’d made countless courtroom appear-17 ances, many more than other lawyers her year. But death penalty 18 expertise was not a transferable skill, would be of scant use in the 19 commercial cases that she’d now be expected to manage. 20 In retrospect, she could see that she’d been partly to blame. 21 She at least could have made an effort to stay on a dual track, to 22 take some lucrative corporate cases along with her pro bono 23 work. But at the time, the bread-and-butter cases had seemed so 24 trivial, hardly weighing in the balance against her fight to save a 25 man’s life. That this man had perhaps killed a hundred-plus 26 women was something she didn’t dwell on. She’d tried to push 27 those thoughts aside, to focus on the principle. The death 28 penalty was barbaric. Regardless of what he’d done. 29 Still. More than a hundred women. The number weighed on 30 her. By most accounts, Steven Gage was the nation’s most prolific 31 serial killer. Ted Bundy, for all his notoriety, lagged far behind. He 32 was thought to have killed just thirty-some women before his 33 apprehension. Such statistics, of course, were debatable. No one 34 knew for sure. But whatever way you looked at it, Gage’s crimes S 35 were stunning. R 36 1 0 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 108 A M Y G U T M A N 1 She reminded herself that Steven Gage was far from the world 2 record holder. There was British physician Harold Shipman, with 3 more than two hundred victims. And Pedro �śMonster of the An-4 des” Lopez, linked to more than three hundred deaths. But the 5 specter of such atrocities hardly minimized Steven’s. More than a 6 hundred women. She’d struggled to comprehend it. 7 But all that was in the future. At the start, she’d just been 8 thrilled. One of the first things she’d done after getting the as-9 signment was to read Laura’s trial testimony. Laura, Steven’s 10 longtime girlfriend, had been a devastating witness. For months 11 she’d tracked his movements, copied phone and credit-card bills. 12 It was credit-card records that had linked Steven to the last place 13 Dahlia was seen. He’d been at Donovan’s on May 7, the day she 14 disappeared. 15 Melanie had pored over Laura’s words, preparing to interview 16 her. The goal was to find a discrepancy, something that didn’t add 17 up. She’d met with Laura a number of times, but they’d never 18 really connected. While they’d been the same age, twenty-five 19 when they met, they’d had little else in common. 20 Now, breaking out of her reverie, she realized that Laura was 21 waiting. �śHow are you?” she quickly asked. 22 �śFine. I . . . things are very different now.” 23 Melanie said simply, �śI’m glad.” Because it was hard to imagine 24 any changes that wouldn’t have been for the better. 25 �śI hope you don’t mind me calling.” On its face, the question 26 was deferential, but the tone belied the words. �śI needed to talk 27 to someone. Someone who . . . knows about my past.” 28 There was a pause, as if Laura were thinking. Then she spoke 29 again. 30 �śI go by a different name now. It’s Callie, Callie Thayer. Thayer 31 is my ex-husband’s last name, and I just kept using it. I live in �" 32 well, it doesn’t really matter where, but no one knows who I am. 33 At least, that’s what I thought. I work at a small liberal arts col-34 lege, in alumni affairs. My life has been very quiet. I went back to 35 S school and I . . . But I don’t need to tell you all that. The reason 36 R I’m calling is this letter I got. It started with a letter. Someone left 1 0 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 109 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y it in my door, and I realized . . . I realized they knew. At first, I 1 was really upset, but then I sort of calmed down. I figured that at 2 worst it was blackmail, and it might even be a prank. You know, 3 some kid on the Internet who managed to track me down. 4 �śThen last Sunday we had this Easter egg hunt. It’s an annual 5 neighborhood thing. I’d hidden one of the baskets in this drain-6 pipe by our house. But by the time my daughter found it, someone 7 had switched the contents. I’d filled the basket with chocolate 8 eggs, those little ones wrapped in foil. But when my daughter 9 found it, they’d been replaced with this pink plastic egg. When 10 you opened the egg, twisted it open, inside there was a watch. 11 �śRight away I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know 12 what. Then later, I was looking at The Vanishing Man �" Diane 13 Massey’s book �" and in the picture on the back she’s wearing 14 it �" the watch my daughter found. I called her publisher’s office 15 last week and told them they needed to find her. Then, yesterday 16 I read the paper . . .” 17 The flow of words trailed off. 18 �śYes?” Melanie prodded. She felt both confused and wary. A 19 letter. A watch. A plastic egg. It sounded totally crazy. 20 �śWell, Diane was killed, you know. Last week. Up on an island 21 in Maine.” 22 �śDiane Massey was murdered?” Melanie sat up straighter. Sud-23 denly, the profusion of words came sharply into focus. Briefly, she 24 wondered if it were true. Wouldn’t she have heard? But then she’d 25 been working around the clock. She’d barely scanned the papers. 26 Melanie signed on to the Internet and pulled up the New York 27 Times website. She typed in a search for Diane Massey’s name. 28 Two articles popped up. 29 �śShe was strangled,” Callie said. A pause. �śThe killer used a 30 black stocking.” 31 For a moment, Melanie’s pulse beat faster. �śHave you called 32 the police?” she asked. 33 �śNo,” said Callie. �śNo, I can’t.” She sounded almost fright-34 ened. S 35 �śWhy not?” It was the obvious question. R 36 1 0 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 110 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śMy daughter,” Callie said. �śI . . . I don’t want her to know 2 about this. If I went to the police, the publicity . . . I’ve kept my 3 past a secret here. I need to keep it that way.” 4 �śHow old is your daughter?” Melanie asked. 5 �śTen,” Callie answered. 6 It didn’t make sense, Melanie thought, not to go to the police. She 7 was about to argue with Laura, but then she stopped herself. Before 8 embarking on this line of discussion, she wanted more information. 9 �śWhat makes you think that the watch was Diane’s?” As she 10 spoke, Melanie realized that this was far from the only thing in 11 doubt. The only facts she knew for sure were those she’d read on 12 the Times website. Laura had been telling the truth when she said 13 Diane was murdered. As for the Easter basket story, the verdict 14 was still out. 15 �śIt’s exactly the same as in the picture. But it’s not just the 16 watch. It’s everything. The timing. The letter I got.” 17 �śAnd this letter, what did it say?” 18 �śDidn’t I tell you that?” Callie sounded dazed. 19 �śNo, you just told me that you got a letter. That someone left 20 it at your door.” 21 �śIt said �ŚHappy Anniversary, Rosamund. I haven’t forgotten 22 you.’ Rosamund �" that’s what Steven used to call me. This stu-23 pid joke we had. Because I loved red roses. He used to buy them 24 for me.” 25 Melanie had reached for her calendar to check tomorrow’s 26 schedule. Now her hand dropped to the desk. �śHappy Anniver-27 sary?” 28 �śRight. That was the message. It was dated April fifth.” 29 �śApril fifth,” Melanie repeated. The room felt suddenly cold. 30 �śThe date of the execution.” Callie’s voice was flat. 31 In a flash, it all came clear. She thought of Frank’s bemused de-32 nials when she blamed him for the letter. Her ex-husband had 33 been telling the truth. He hadn’t sent the note. 34 Melanie’s head was spinning now. She had to get off the phone. 35 S �śI’m terribly sorry, but I have a meeting. Could I get back to 36 R you this afternoon?” 1 1 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 111 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śWhen?” Callie asked. 1 �śLater. Before the end of the day.” 2 �śI . . . well, okay.” Callie was reluctant to let things drop, but 3 she didn’t have an option. 4 Melanie had almost put down the phone when she thought of 5 one last question. 6 �śLaura?” 7 �śYes.” 8 She was still there. 9 �śWhy did you call me?” 10 Callie hesitated. �śWell . . . I knew that I could trust your judg-11 ment. And then, there was the privilege.” 12 �śThe privilege?” Melanie didn’t follow. 13 �śI knew that whatever I told you, you had to keep it confiden-14 tial.” 15 Melanie’s body tensed. The attorney-client privilege, that’s 16 what Laura meant. The sacred rule prohibiting disclosure of a 17 client’s secrets. But Laura wasn’t her client, was she? She’d called 18 up out of the blue. With a sinking feeling, Melanie saw she was in 19 much deeper than she’d realized. 20 21 The Harwich & Young library was on the sixty-third floor. It was 22 the realm of junior associates, and Melanie had rarely been there. 23 When she arrived at the firm four-plus years ago, she’d already 24 been fairly senior, handing out research assignments herself rather 25 than slogging through them. It was a little after seven by the time 26 she got there, and darkness had already fallen. Far below, the 27 teeming city was a sparkling sea of lights, visual compensation for 28 the tedium of the junior associate’s life. 29 �śNeed some help?” A night-shift librarian looked up from her 30 terminal. 31 Melanie smiled at the owl-like woman. �śNo, thanks,” she said. 32 The reading room was a hushed enclave of polished mahogany. 33 Desk lamps burned in the private carrels, where several young 34 lawyers worked. A fresh-faced blonde in a gray pantsuit had S 35 kicked off a Gucci pump. She was avidly reading and taking R 36 1 1 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 112 A M Y G U T M A N 1 notes, jouncing a manicured foot. Melanie had a disconcerting 2 sense of looking at her younger self. She had a sudden impulse to 3 warn her, to say, It’s not too late. The thought took her by surprise, 4 and she wondered where it had come from. After all, she loved 5 her job. Her job wasn’t the problem. 6 Cutting her eyes away, Melanie entered the stacks. As she 7 roamed the aisles, scanning the shelves, she felt conspicuous. 8 She sensed the younger lawyers looking at her, wondering why 9 she was here. She could have done the research on her office PC, 10 paid for the Westlaw research. But then there would have been a 11 record, something she didn’t want. 12 She finally located the CPLR, a compilation of New York laws. 13 She found the volume she needed and took it to a carrel. She 14 read through the statute once quickly, then turned to the com-15 mentary: �śThe attorney-client privilege is perhaps the oldest of 16 the common law evidentiary privileges, and New York courts 17 continue to draw heavily upon common law developments . . .” 18 She scanned a list of case summaries, looking for relevant law. 19 What professional obligation did she have to Laura? That was the 20 basic question. At this point, Laura wasn’t a client, but she didn’t 21 think that mattered. Prospective clients, as best she recalled, fell 22 within the scope of privilege. But was Laura even a prospective 23 client? Had she called seeking legal advice? Maybe this was more 24 a situation of a friend calling on a friend. 25 But even as she tested the analogy, she knew it didn’t ring true. 26 When they’d talked on the phone this morning, Laura had 27 been quite clear: Her call had been premised on the belief that 28 what she’d said would be kept confidential. A rule popped into 29 Melanie’s mind from some long-ago ethics class. If someone rea-30 sonably thinks they’re a client, the attorney-client privilege attaches. 31 She didn’t remember the name of the case, but the rule was clear 32 in her mind. The point was, you had to be careful. And always, 33 until now, she had been. At parties, on plane trips, talking to 34 friends, she’d been meticulous. Of course, I can’t give you legal ad-35 S vice. I’m not speaking as your attorney . . . 36 R 1 1 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 113 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Melanie scribbled down a few citations, then got up to find the 1 books. Back at her carrel, she started to read, fast, without taking 2 notes. She was doing what she did best: examining a legal issue. 3 Taking stock of its strengths and weaknesses, finding the chink in 4 the wall. Beneath the surface calm, though, she was frustrated, al-5 most angry. Not with Laura. No. She was angry with herself. She, 6 who was always so careful, had let Laura catch her off guard. It 7 would have been so easy to say, �śI can’t give you legal advice.” 8 At best, her situation was murky, which left her with just two 9 options: She could talk to Laura and try to explain that there’d 10 been a misunderstanding. The second option, even less appeal-11 ing, was to go to the partnership. She could present the matter to 12 the Ethics Committee, seek guidance on how to proceed. But the 13 thought of going to those three men was difficult to stomach. She 14 could already see their bland faces, the subtle calculation. The 15 very fact that she was there before them would be proof that she’d 16 screwed up. Partnership elections were just weeks away. Was it 17 really worth the risk? At this point, she should be bringing in 18 paying clients, not creating trouble. 19 By the time Melanie finished reading, almost an hour had 20 passed. She was supposed to meet Paul at nine at a restaurant 21 down the street. But picturing him, the evening ahead, she felt 22 her resistance growing. 23 She pulled her cell phone from her purse and went out into the 24 hallway. 25 �śHi, honey,” she said when Paul came on the line. �śListen, I’m 26 really sorry, but I have to work late tonight. The client . . . well, 27 you know how it is. They want a draft of the brief tomorrow. I 28 thought we’d have another day.” 29 Muffled voices on the other end, Paul sounding authoritative. 30 �śRight, put them in the blue folders. We decided that last night.” 31 Then he was back on the phone. �śSorry. What were you saying?” 32 She repeated the story one more time, her voice artificially 33 bright. She waited for him to notice, but he seemed preoccupied. 34 �śDon’t worry about it,” he said. �śWe’re pretty busy here too.” S 35 R 36 1 1 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 114 A M Y G U T M A N 1 More muffled voices from the other end of the line. �śNo, I 2 think Joe has them,” she heard Paul say. And then, annoyed, 3 �śWell, ask him.” 4 In her mind’s eye she pictured her fiancé’s office, just five 5 blocks away. Books stacked neatly on his desk. To-do lists beside 6 the phone. The millefleurs paperweight she gave him for Christ-7 mas holding papers in place. Funny how, when she thought of 8 Paul, it was always his office she saw. 9 This time, when he came back on the line, he didn’t apologize. 10 �śShall I stop by later, then? What time do you think you’ll get 11 home?” 12 �śYou know, I’ve had this headache. I should probably just go to 13 sleep.” 14 �śSure? I could give you a back rub.” 15 �śOh, that’s sweet, but . . . How about tomorrow? I’m sure I’ll 16 feel better by then.” 17 As she ended the call, Melanie realized that she actually did 18 have a headache, a sharp, pulsing pain coiled at the base of her 19 skull. The only thing she’d eaten all day was some low-fat coffee 20 yogurt. She wandered down the hall to a kitchenette with coffee 21 and vending machines. 22 She bought a Snickers bar, wolfed it down, then felt a wave of 23 disgust. A particle of chocolate stuck to her hand, and she flicked 24 at it with a finger. But instead of removing the sticky fragment, 25 she’d rubbed it into her skin. Repelled, she stared at the dark 26 brown smudge, its warm waxiness. 27 She threw the candy wrapper into the trash and washed her 28 hands at the sink, dried them roughly on paper towels, then 29 crossed the hall to the rest room. Luckily no one else was there. 30 She entered a stall and threw up. Except for the candy she’d just 31 eaten, her stomach had been almost empty. She flushed away the 32 evidence and leaned against the door. Her forehead was damp 33 with perspiration. She wiped it away with a hand. 34 When she finally emerged, she went to a sink, one of three in 35 S a row. In her purse, she kept a travel toothbrush in a blue plastic 36 R case. As she brushed her teeth, she concentrated on the texture 1 1 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 115 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y of the bristles. She counted the strokes off one by one, an effort 1 to keep from thinking. When she’d finished, she combed her hair 2 and painted her lips pale pink. She looked at the mirror but 3 avoided her eyes, not wanting to see the shame. It had been so 4 long since she’d succumbed to the urge, but the feeling was just 5 the same. 6 She’d always associated eating disorders with adolescent angst. 7 She herself had passed through the teenage years utterly un-8 scathed. At a time when her peers had grown plump and splotchy, 9 she’d stayed clear-skinned and lean. She’d never thought about 10 her weight, not that she recalled. She’d looked in the mirror and 11 liked what she saw. She was beautiful and strong. It hadn’t hurt 12 that she’d been popular. The phone rang off the hook. When she 13 agreed to go out with boys on dates, they’d always seemed so 14 grateful. During those years, she’d never had any doubt that she 15 was the one in control. 16 What a shock, then, to find herself at thirty, heaving over a 17 toilet. The first time it happened was after she found Frank in bed 18 with Mary Beth. She still didn’t know what had prompted it, 19 where the idea had come from. But afterwards she’d felt a sweep-20 ing relief, and that had been the beginning. She’d known it 21 wasn’t a long-term answer, but this knowledge had stayed ab-22 stract, somehow remote from her daily life, while the solace was 23 very real. 24 She’d been relieved when, after she moved to New York, the 25 urge had sharply abated, assuming that by this time the behavior 26 had served its use. But then, shortly after Paul had proposed, the 27 cycle had started again. During the past few months she’d been 28 better, hadn’t purged at all. She’d kept track of the time on her 29 calendar: 108 days. Again, she’d almost convinced herself that 30 the problem had disappeared. 31 There was a full-length mirror by the rest room door, and she 32 gave herself a quick once-over. She was reassured to see that from 33 the outside she looked just fine. And who was to say that it wasn’t 34 real, this image in the mirror? As long as she could still look like S 35 this, everything would be okay. R 36 1 1 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 116 A M Y G U T M A N 1 On her way back to the library, she ducked back into the 2 kitchenette, filled a paper cup with water and swallowed two 3 Advil. She was glad that Paul had been distracted, that he hadn’t 4 known something was wrong. But beneath the relief was a vague 5 unease that she couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t that she’d 6 wanted him to read her mind, just maybe to notice something. 7 Frank would have noticed immediately, asked what was bother-8 ing her. Before she could push the thought away, she felt it pierce 9 her heart. She put her books on a reshelving cart and decided to 10 call it a night. 11 Twenty minutes later, she walked into the lobby of her Central 12 Park South apartment. �śGood evening, Ms. White,” the door-13 man said. She couldn’t remember his name. He was new, had 14 been there less than a month, part of a rotating cast. The build-15 ing had several hundred units, a staff of more than a dozen. Each 16 year she wrote out more than a thousand dollars in Christmas 17 checks for the staff. 18 Her apartment was on the fortieth floor, with magnificent 19 views of the park. Two bedrooms, a large living room, a galley 20 kitchen, and bath. While she’d lived here now for more than four 21 years, the rooms were sparsely furnished. A white sofa and arm-22 chair. A few good antiques and rugs. She’d come here straight 23 from her marriage, still numb and despairing. She’d wanted 24 someplace impersonal, a temporary refuge. The apartment had 25 been a place she could hide, a place to lick her wounds. While 26 she couldn’t seem to forget the past, at least she could shut it out. 27 Tonight, she went straight for the refrigerator and pulled out a 28 bottle of wine. She uncorked the chilled Chardonnay and poured 29 herself a glass. All it took was one long sip, and she felt an instant 30 buzz. 31 Already feeling calmer, she drifted into the living room. On an 32 end table next to the couch, her phone message light blinked red. 33 Wine in hand, she sat down and punched the replay button. One 34 call from her father. Another from Vivian. 35 S She found herself recalling Vivian’s words about Paul. You’re 36 R 1 1 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 117 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y not in love with Paul. The words still stung. She knew that tone of 1 voice, the self-confidence behind it. Still, Melanie told herself, 2 even Vivian could be wrong. She didn’t love Paul the same way 3 she’d loved Frank, but that didn’t mean she didn’t love him. If 4 anything, the opposite was true. Her love for Frank hadn’t been 5 healthy. With Frank, she’d lost all sense of who she was, a moth 6 drawn to a flame. With Paul, she felt exactly the same as she had 7 before they met. 8 The wine was making her pleasantly dizzy. She kicked off her 9 shoes and lay down. Her mind floated back to Laura Seton, to the 10 news about Diane. She remembered Diane as she’d last seen her, 11 a beautiful, vibrant woman. It was hard to believe that she was 12 dead, that she didn’t exist anymore. But then, death was always 13 hard to comprehend. She thought of Steven Gage. Even though 14 she’d expected his death, it had still seemed unreal. 15 After a while, she got to her feet and went over to a built-in 16 bookshelf. Beneath the shelves was a row of cabinets. She knelt 17 down and opened one. The book was right where she’d thought. 18 She pulled it out, turned it over. Her eyes went straight to 19 the watch. A classic Cartier Panther. She herself wore a Cartier 20 watch, though a less expensive model. She’d bought the Tank 21 watch with the crocodile strap with part of last year’s bonus. 22 The watch had cost about eight thousand dollars; the Panther 23 ran around twelve. 24 Turning the book back over, she stared at Steven Gage, stared 25 at the handsome, rage-filled face of the man whose life she’d tried 26 to save. Veins pulsed grotesquely in his forehead, his eyes bulged 27 wide. His teeth were bared in a wild grimace more animal than 28 human. You had a sense of some terrible pressure building inside 29 his brain, growing stronger and stronger until the skull couldn’t 30 hold it. 31 She folded open the cover and turned to the title page. 32 33 The Vanishing Man: The Secret Life of Serial Sex Killer Steven Gage 34 By Diane Massey S 35 R 36 1 1 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 118 A M Y G U T M A N 1 She flipped ahead. The section she was looking for was some-2 where toward the end. It took just a few minutes to find. Stand-3 ing up, she began to read. 4 5 It was a week or so before Dahlia Schuyler’s death when Laura noticed 6 the missing pair of panty hose, one of three she’d bought at a drugstore sev-7 eral days before. Two of the pairs were skin-toned. The other pair was 8 black. Laura was sure she’d stashed all three in a drawer in her bedroom 9 bureau. But searching the drawer as she dressed for work, she couldn’t 10 find the black pair. All that was left was an empty box. No sign of the 11 stockings. Laura knew that she hadn’t opened the box, of that she was pos-12 itive. She was equally sure that Steven had been the only other person who 13 could have. No one else had visited her apartment since she’d made the 14 trip to the drugstore, which was why she asked him, when he arrived that 15 night, if he’d taken the stockings for some reason. 16 He’d looked at her without answering, then gone to the kitchen for a 17 drink. Vodka, she thought, with orange juice. That’s what he was drink-18 ing in those days. She’d followed Steven to the kitchen, asking him again. 19 She’d actually been a little annoyed, which was rare in her dealings with 20 him. She hadn’t had another pair of black panty hose and she’d had to 21 change her outfit. Because of that, she’d been late to work. Laura hated 22 being late. 23 Still, he hadn’t answered. He’d downed the drink in a single gulp, then 24 filled the glass again. This time the drink was all alcohol. He didn’t add any 25 juice. The whole time, he was watching her, his gaze strangely blank. As 26 he drained the second drink, she’d stepped forward, suddenly worried that 27 he might be ill. After that, she’d forgotten all about the stockings until 28 much, much later. Until after Dahlia Schuyler’s death, when, finally, the 29 facts slammed home. At night, she’d lie awake for hours, searching for an 30 explanation. Not just for the stockings, but for all the things she’d strug-31 gled so hard to ignore. 32 The time she’d found a blood-soaked shirt stuffed behind his bed. 33 The time she’d swept out her fireplace and found pieces of bone. 34 The time she’d found a bag in his car holding knives, a ski mask, gloves. 35 S The incidents scrambled in her head until she could barely think. Alone 36 R 1 1 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 119 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y at night, she could convince herself that they added up to something. But 1 then day would come, she’d see him, and her doubts would fade again. 2 This was the man whom Laura loved, the man she hoped to marry. Finally, 3 after many false starts, her life was coming together. Steven was working 4 as a paralegal, and soon he’d go to law school. She’d support him while he 5 studied, and then they’d have a family. She imagined their future, a home 6 of their own, beautiful, perfect children. This dream had to be preserved 7 at all costs. Truth was the casualty. 8 Over the years, she’d struggled valiantly to accept her lover’s stories, 9 done her best to accept his incredible tales at face value. The bloody shirt? 10 Steven could explain. He’d used it as a bandage, wrapped it around an in-11 jured driver at the scene of a car accident. Never mind that he’d never 12 mentioned this before, was vague about time and location. Laura swal-13 lowed the story whole. Or told herself she did. He needed the mask and 14 gloves, he’d claimed, because of his allergies. He’d planned to take the 15 knives to be sharpened. The bones were from fried chicken. 16 17 Melanie realized she was shaking her head, slowly, back and 18 forth. It was Laura’s failure to come forward that had left Gage 19 free to kill. How many lives might have been saved if Laura had 20 acknowledged the truth. Certainly Dahlia Schuyler’s. And maybe 21 many more. How could you not know? That had always been her 22 question. Because of this, she’d never fully trusted anything 23 Laura said. In her meetings with Laura, she’d done her best to 24 hide this skepticism. But despite her best efforts, she’d always sus-25 pected that Laura sensed her feelings. 26 Still holding the book, Melanie went to the couch. As she set-27 tled into its cushioned depths, she stared out into the night. 28 Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, her father used to say. For the 29 first time, she tried to look at events as Laura might have seen 30 them. Laura had needed love. Steven had offered it. Just like you 31 needed Frank. It’s really just the same. Like Laura, she’d seen what 32 she’d chosen to see, pushed the rest aside. 33 She thought of how easily she’d accepted Frank’s self-serving 34 explanations. So he’d been married twice before. He just hadn’t S 35 R 36 1 1 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 120 A M Y G U T M A N 1 found the right woman. His first wife hadn’t had a sense of self. 2 She’d looked to him for that. He’d loved her, he said, he really 3 had, but you couldn’t live that way. Next he’d swung to the other 4 extreme, married a hard-core careerist. She hadn’t been capable 5 of intimacy. He’d been unbearably lonely. After these seductive 6 confessions, he’d gaze into Melanie’s eyes. With her, he’d say, 7 he’d finally found the love he’d always longed for. 8 In fairness, she’d only been twenty-six, still a work in progress. 9 Frank had been fifty-two, powerful, well connected. He’d gone 10 all out to dazzle her and, predictably, she’d been dazzled. For the 11 first year or so of the marriage, everything had been fine. Im-12 mersed in her work on the Gage appeal, she’d barely noticed the 13 shift, that Frank was coming home later and later, making more 14 out-of-town trips. In the ensuing months, he’d left countless 15 clues, but she’d refused to see them. Only when she’d found him 16 with another woman did she finally face the truth. 17 She closed Diane’s book and put it on the coffee table. She still 18 hadn’t figured out what to do about Laura’s phone call. 19 Happy Anniversary, Melanie. The words rose up in her mind. 20 Were the notes connected to Diane’s murder? Was Laura right 21 about that? If only she hadn’t destroyed hers. She’d have liked to 22 study it now. Again, she reminded herself that Laura might be ly-23 ing. Laura herself could have sent the letter, dropped it off at the 24 firm. As for the watch, if it even existed, Laura could have 25 planted it. She’d certainly offered no proof on the phone that the 26 watch had belonged to Diane. 27 But why would Laura go to such trouble? Melanie had to think. 28 Was it possible Laura had come to crave her former notoriety? 29 Could she have written the note in an effort to capture attention, 30 viewing Diane’s murder as a chance to regain the media spot-31 light? During the trial, Laura had briefly been a reluctant celebrity, 32 her trial testimony raptly followed by people all over the world. 33 The public’s hunger for information had seemed insatiable. What 34 was it like to share your life with a psychopathic killer? Through 35 S it all, Laura had refused to give a single interview, insisting 36 R that she wanted nothing to do with the media feeding frenzy. 1 2 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 121 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y But if Laura had really felt so strongly, why had she talked to 1 Diane? Why had she given the interviews that appeared in The 2 Vanishing Man? 3 Mulling this over, Melanie stood and headed for the kitchen. 4 She shouldn’t be drinking on an empty stomach, but she still 5 didn’t feel like eating. She poured herself another glass from the 6 cold, beaded bottle, admiring the golden glow as it cascaded into 7 the crystal. Paul, something of a connoisseur, disparaged her 8 fondness for white wine. The reds, he said, were more complex. 9 Melanie didn’t care. She had no interest in complexity, in her life 10 or in her wine. 11 On the way back to the living room, Melanie tripped on a rug. 12 She held the glass aloft, managing not to spill. Funny, she didn’t 13 feel the least bit drunk, but at this point, she must be. Still, her 14 mind seemed clear as glass, her thoughts unencumbered. If any-15 thing, the alcohol was helping her, clarifying her logic. 16 That’s what alcoholics think. You really need to be careful. 17 But that was one problem she didn’t have. She rarely drank at 18 all. She didn’t like the out-of-control sensation that alcohol usu-19 ally gave her. Laura had been an alcoholic, though she’d stopped 20 drinking by the time they met. Perhaps that was part of the rea-21 son she’d always seemed so raw. As if her skin were literally thin-22 ner than that of a normal person. 23 Melanie took a long sip of wine. Something was bothering her. 24 The scenario she’d come up with. What was wrong with it? As 25 she sank down on the couch again, she realized what it was. The 26 time frame, that was the problem. The chronology didn’t work. 27 According to the Times, Diane’s body hadn’t been found until 28 Tuesday. It would have taken another day at least for the news to 29 hit the papers. Yet the letter had arrived at her office almost two 30 weeks before then. It was dated April 5, and she’d received it the 31 following day. Again, that was almost two weeks before Laura 32 could have known. 33 Unless, that is, Laura herself had been involved in the murder. 34 Laura Seton a murderess? Now that was really a stretch. Laura S 35 had been unstable, but she’d never shown signs of violence. R 36 1 2 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 122 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Laura was the classic female depressive, all anger turned fiercely 2 inward. At least, that’s how she’d been before, at the time 3 Melanie had known her. In the intervening years, could she have 4 changed so much? Then Melanie thought of the voice on the 5 phone, so surprisingly strong. If Laura’s voice could change so 6 dramatically, might her temperament have changed as well? 7 There was still the question of motive, though. That took an-8 other few seconds. 9 She thinks that Diane’s book ruined her life. She did it for revenge. 10 Disconcerted by the thought, Melanie put down her wine 11 glass. Laura had been angry about the book, Melanie remem-12 bered that now. She seemed to think that Diane had broken 13 some sort of unspoken agreement. The reaction was hardly sur-14 prising in light of how she’d come off. But if Laura had killed 15 Diane for revenge, then why call Melanie? Why take a step that 16 could only increase the risk that she’d be caught? 17 Even that, though, Melanie decided, could be explained in 18 terms of psychology. Killers often volunteered to help solve their 19 victims’ murders. Often, they stayed bizarrely close to the scene 20 of the crimes they’d committed. That was the reason that inves-21 tigators photographed crowds at crime scenes. Amazingly often 22 the killer was there, lurking on the sidelines. Perhaps Laura’s call 23 was something like that, a variation on a theme. 24 Laura. Laura’s call. With a start, Melanie realized that she’d ac-25 cepted this too without question. But how could she know that 26 the woman who’d called was really Laura Seton? Laura’s voice had 27 been breathy, her sentences full of false starts. Again, she thought 28 of the caller’s voice, the core of confidence. She’d noted the dif-29 ference right away but hadn’t made the logical leap. Perhaps the 30 caller hadn’t sounded like Laura because she was someone else. 31 Tucking her legs beneath her, Melanie finished her wine. But 32 the warm glow she’d felt earlier continued to dissipate. The phone 33 rang. Melanie’s body tightened. She let the machine pick up. 34 �śHi, sweetie. You there? Hello?” Paul’s disembodied voice 35 S echoed through the room. �śGuess you must have gone to bed 36 R early. Talk tomorrow. Love you.” 1 2 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 123 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Love you. 1 The words drifted in the empty air. Briefly here, then gone. 2 But do I love you? Do I love you? 3 The words danced in her mind. 4 When she’d heard the phone, she’d instantly assumed that it 5 must be Laura. Laura or whoever the woman was who’d called 6 her at work today. Her number was listed, after all, easily avail-7 able. The fact that the caller hadn’t tried her at home was slightly 8 reassuring. Or maybe she just had the sense to know that Melanie 9 wouldn’t pick up. 10 Melanie lay back on the cushions, staring up at the ceiling. The 11 fog from the wine had come over her slowly but now it was thick-12 ening. She felt as if she’d been here for hours, but she’d yet to find 13 her answer. She kept coming back to the fact that she needed more 14 information. She’d thought about going to the police herself, re-15 porting the note she’d gotten. But like Laura �" or the woman 16 who claimed to be Laura �" she too wanted this kept quiet. 17 She had no intention of becoming fuel for some lurid tabloid 18 story, especially not with partnership elections coming up next 19 month. Harwich & Young was an old-school firm, circumspect 20 in the extreme. A whiff of scandal might tip the balance. She 21 wouldn’t let that happen. Her career had already been derailed 22 once because of Steven Gage. She’d been lucky to get a second 23 chance. She couldn’t screw it up. 24 You need to talk to her again. You need to see her in person. 25 At first the thought surprised her, but it made a sort of sense. 26 By insisting on a face-to-face meeting, she’d force her caller’s 27 hand. If it turned out that the caller wasn’t Laura, she might sim-28 ply disappear. And if the woman was Laura? What would happen 29 then? Melanie tried to think it through, to weigh the pros and 30 cons. Would a face-to-face meeting further complicate an already 31 messy situation? Of course it was a possibility, but she didn’t have 32 much choice. At least this time she’d be prepared. She’d have to 33 take the risk. 34 S 35 R 36 1 2 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 124 Sunday, April 23 I 1 t was a three-hour drive from Merritt to Manhattan, less if you 2 drove fast. Callie had planned to leave earlier, but she’d lingered 3 over breakfast with Anna. They’d made blueberry pancakes and 4 fresh-squeezed orange juice. By the time she dropped off Anna at 5 the Creightons’, it was after nine o’clock. 6 Driving down I-91, she thought over what she planned to say. 7 She’d been surprised by Melanie’s proposal that they meet face-8 to-face. On the phone, she’d been pretty sure that Melanie didn’t 9 quite trust her. She had to remember that the last time they’d 10 met she’d been a total mess. Melanie had no way of knowing how 11 much she’d changed since then. Today, she’d stick to the facts. 12 That was the best approach. She’d brought the note and watch, 13 as Melanie asked. Concrete evidence. 14 As she approached Manhattan, traffic became a tangled, fran-15 tic snarl. Cars and trucks dodged in and out of lanes, barely 16 avoiding collisions. A yellow cab cut in front of her, almost clip-17 ping her fender. The driver gave her a murderous look. She 18 clutched the steering wheel. Ahead, the city skyline loomed, 19 jagged and imposing. 20 They’d arranged to meet at the Lowell Hotel, Melanie’s sug-21 gestion. By the time Callie had parked her car, she was almost 22 half an hour late. If she’d had Melanie’s cell phone number, she 23 could have tried to call her. Instead, she took off down the street, 24 hoping Melanie had waited. She made her way across Park Av-25 enue, with its rows of blank-face buildings, past the Met Life 26 S tower, past a red-brick church. 27 R 1 2 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 125 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y When she reached the hotel, she rushed past the doorman, 1 down a short flight of stairs. Breathless, she almost collided with 2 a thin, tall blonde. 3 For a moment, the two of them stared at each other. 4 The woman was Melanie. 5 A strange look played on Melanie’s face �" surprise, regret, 6 confusion. Then she quickly regained her composure and held 7 out a manicured hand. �śHello, Laura,” she said. 8 Callie’s body tightened. It was one thing to hear the name on 9 the phone, another to hear it in person. Laura Seton was a fig-10 ment. She lived only in memory. 11 Callie forced a smile. �śPlease call me Callie,” she said. �śI’m so 12 sorry to be late. Thanks so much for waiting.” 13 �śI figured you must have gotten lost. I hope you could follow 14 my directions.” 15 �śThe directions were perfect,” Callie said. She was feeling a lit-16 tle dizzy. 17 A brief uncertain pause. Then Melanie was briskly steering her 18 toward an elevator. �śWe’ll have tea upstairs in the Pembroke 19 Room,” she said. �śOr lunch. Whatever you want.” 20 They stepped out on the second floor. 21 Classical music played in the background as they took seats at 22 a small round table. The room was an elegant oasis; the city 23 seemed miles away. There were lace curtains, swooping draperies, 24 soft carpets muffling footsteps. The china was white with blue-25 and-gold trim. There was a candle on the table. 26 �śIt’s been a long time,” said Melanie, as she picked up her nap-27 kin and placed it on her lap. �śYou look wonderful.” 28 �śThank you,” said Callie. Then, falsely, �śYou too.” 29 In fact, Melanie did not look good. For one thing, she was far 30 too thin. Her black knit sweater clung to her ribs as if it were a 31 second skin. The impression was one of angles and edges, some-32 thing tightly wound. But most of all, it was Melanie’s eyes where 33 Callie saw the change. Still the same remarkable blue, they 34 seemed somehow colder. Extinguished was the word that came to S 35 R 36 1 2 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 126 A M Y G U T M A N 1 mind, as if a light had gone out. The gleaming hair that once fell 2 to her shoulders now skimmed her jaw. It, too, seemed subtly 3 cooler. Moonlight rather than sun. 4 Behind their table, Callie glimpsed an enormous display of 5 lilies. Their scent floated through the room, gently perfuming the 6 air. But despite the tranquil atmosphere, Callie was on edge. 7 There were a dozen or so tables, two others occupied. In one cor-8 ner sat a sedate threesome, consuming tea and scones. A larger 9 table was occupied by a laughing group of young women. More 10 people than Callie had expected, certainly more than she’d have 11 liked. She found herself questioning Melanie’s judgment, won-12 dering why they had come here. This was hardly the setting she’d 13 have picked for a private conversation. 14 Callie opened her menu. 15 Melanie did the same. 16 �śIt’s on me,” Melanie said quickly, as Callie scanned the prices. 17 When the waiter arrived, Melanie ordered the full afternoon 18 tea. Uncertain and not terribly hungry, Callie followed suit. 19 The waiter left and Callie saw that Melanie was watching her. 20 �śI don’t mean to stare,” said Melanie, when Callie’s eyes caught 21 hers. �śIt’s just that you seem so . . . different.” 22 Callie gave a faint smile. �śI am different,” she said. �śI’m a to-23 tally different person.” 24 �śSo you’re living in Massachusetts?” 25 �śMerritt. The western part of the state.” 26 �śThe Berkshires?” 27 �śNot too far from there. Closer to Amherst and Northampton.” 28 �śThere’s a college there, isn’t there?” 29 �śWindham,” Callie said. �śI finished my degree there �" my 30 bachelor’s. Now I work in the alumni office and take a few classes 31 on the side.” 32 �śI was up that way a few years ago. Lovely part of New England.” 33 Pleasant but utterly impersonal, the conversation drifted on. 34 Callie had the sense that they were marking time. Was Melanie 35 S waiting for something? 36 R 1 2 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 127 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y The waiter arrived with plates holding rows of triangular tea 1 sandwiches. Beside these edible pyramids lay a single flower. 2 As she waited for her tea to cool, Callie ate a sandwich. Her 3 appetite suddenly returned, and she found she was ravenous. She 4 finished a salmon sandwich and picked up a cucumber one. 5 �śSo you moved to New York from Washington?” Callie said 6 between bites. 7 �śThat’s right,” Melanie said. �śI’ve been here going on five 8 years. I love living in the city.” 9 �śAnd your husband?” Callie asked. �śHow does he like it here?” 10 Melanie’s features seemed to freeze. �śI’m not married,” she said. 11 �śI’m sorry,” Callie said. �śI thought �"” 12 �śI was married, but I’m not anymore.” 13 Something in Melanie’s tone warned Callie to back off. �śThese 14 sandwiches are delicious,” she said, returning to neutral terrain. 15 Melanie was on her second cup of tea, but she hadn’t eaten a 16 thing. Now she pushed her plate away, with a look of vague dis-17 taste. 18 �śI had a late breakfast,” she said. �śI’m really not very hungry.” 19 Callie had finished her own sandwiches and looked at 20 Melanie’s. �śDo you mind if I �"” 21 Melanie waved a hand. �śPlease. Be my guest.” 22 The waiter brought strawberries. Callie continued to eat. Over 23 Melanie’s shoulder, she watched the festive group of young 24 women. Peals of laughter floated over from their large round 25 table. A bridal shower maybe. Or a sorority reunion. Whatever 26 their reason for being here, it was nothing like her own. 27 Callie spooned up clotted cream and dropped it on her berries. 28 She looked expectantly at Melanie, wondering what came next. 29 As if reading her mind, Melanie leaned forward. 30 �śI wasn’t sure that it would be you.” She spoke very softly. 31 For the first time, Callie noticed the traces of a southern ac-32 cent. She looked at Melanie, baffled. �śWhat?” 33 �śWhen you called me, you sounded so different. I thought it 34 might not be you, that it might be some sort of trick. That’s why S 35 R 36 1 2 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 128 A M Y G U T M A N 1 I wanted to meet like this. I thought maybe you wouldn’t show 2 up. Or if you did, you’d be someone else.” 3 �śWell . . .” Callie had no idea what to say. The admission as-4 tonished her. She’d certainly sensed Melanie’s wariness but never 5 grasped its extent. If Melanie had questioned her identity, what 6 other doubts might she have? 7 �śWhat about the letter, the watch? Do you believe what I told 8 you?” 9 Melanie bit her lip. She seemed to be thinking something 10 through, then came to a fast decision. �śWe should talk about this 11 privately,” she said. �śMy apartment is just a few blocks away. 12 We’d be more comfortable there.” 13 Callie quickly agreed. Melanie tossed out a platinum credit 14 card. Soon they were on the street. Neither of them spoke during 15 the short cab ride to the building where Melanie lived. 16 The elevator glided the forty floors up to Melanie’s apartment. 17 �śThis is beautiful,” Callie said. She’d just stepped through 18 Melanie’s door and caught sight of the sweeping views. �śYou can 19 see the whole city from here.” 20 �śThe East Side. The park.” Melanie flipped on a light. �śHere. 21 Have a seat.” 22 Callie sank into the couch and looked around curiously. White 23 walls, white sofa, white armchair. Melanie White, in her home of 24 white. It was like a fairy tale. Was it intentional? An affectation? 25 Or did she just like white? 26 Except for a few framed photographs, the room seemed imper-27 sonal. As reluctant as Melanie herself to disclose any informa-28 tion. 29 �śMay I get you anything? Coffee? Seltzer?” 30 �śNo,” said Callie. �śI’m fine.” 31 Melanie sat down across from Callie in the overstuffed white 32 chair. The chair’s massive size underscored her fragility. For the 33 first time, it occurred to Callie that Melanie might be sick. She 34 wondered about Melanie’s marriage, when it had broken up. 35 S �śBefore we start talking,” said Melanie, �śI have to clarify some-36 R thing. I can’t give you legal advice. I can’t act as your lawyer. I’m 1 2 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 129 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y meeting with you now as . . . as a friend, I guess. I want to be clear 1 on that from the start. I need to be sure you understand that.” 2 Melanie seemed suddenly uncomfortable, but Callie wasn’t 3 sure why. �śThat’s right,” she said. �śThat’s what I assumed. I mean, 4 I’m not paying you.” 5 Melanie visibly relaxed at the words, which made Callie un-6 easy. She had a sense of missing something and wanted to ask 7 what it was. But before she could frame a question, Melanie was 8 speaking. 9 �śDid you bring the watch?” 10 �śYes. The watch and the letter both.” 11 �śCould I take a look at them?” 12 �śSure.” Callie reached into her purse. 13 The watch was in a small cardboard box. Melanie took off the 14 lid. �śI probably shouldn’t touch it,” she said. �śEven though it’s 15 been handled since your daughter found it, there still might be la-16 tent prints.” 17 Fingerprints. Callie started. Why hadn’t she thought of that? 18 But as soon as the question flashed through her mind, she in-19 stantly knew why. Steven had never left fingerprints. Never. Not 20 one time. 21 Melanie examined the watch, then replaced the lid. She care-22 fully set the little box on a table beside her chair. �śThe letter?” 23 she said, looking up at Callie. 24 Callie held it out. 25 Melanie hesitated. �śWait a minute,” she said. She got up and 26 went to a hallway closet, returning with a pair of black leather 27 gloves. 28 �śNot exactly standard issue, but I guess they’re better than 29 nothing.” 30 After pulling on the gloves, she took hold of the envelope and 31 removed the letter. Black pants, black sweater, and now black 32 gloves. All that white around her, and everything she wore was 33 black. 34 Even with the gloves on, Melanie held the paper gingerly, tak-S 35 ing hold of it at the edge between a thumb and forefinger. Her R 36 1 2 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 130 A M Y G U T M A N 1 head was bowed as she examined it, and Callie couldn’t see her 2 face. 3 When she finally looked up, her expression was troubled. �śDo 4 you have any idea who might have written this?” 5 Callie dropped her eyes. �śNot really. I mean, I don’t have any 6 evidence.” 7 �śBut you have some idea?” 8 �śIt’s probably stupid, but right away I thought of Lester Crain.” 9 �śLester Crain?” Melanie stared. 10 �śThe day Steven was sentenced, he said that all of us were go-11 ing to pay. He looked around the room at us, and you could just 12 feel the hatred. Everyone just wrote it off as some sort of crazed 13 reaction. But I . . . I knew him very well. He meant what he was 14 saying. And then, well, he couldn’t get revenge himself. He’d 15 have to have arranged it with someone, someone who owed him 16 a favor. Steven helped Crain to get a new trial. Crain said he’d 17 find a way to thank him.” 18 Melanie put a hand to her forehead. �śI . . . this is hard to be-19 lieve.” 20 �śI’m not saying it’s true,” said Callie. �śIt’s just what I’ve been 21 thinking.” 22 �śI think you should go to the police.” 23 Already, Callie was shaking her head. �śNo,” she said. �śI can’t.” 24 �śWhy not?” Melanie asked. 25 There was something in her tone, a deference, that put Callie 26 on the defensive. She had an impression that Melanie was trying 27 to manipulate her. 28 �śYou have to do something,” Melanie continued, when Callie 29 didn’t answer. �śYou can’t just ignore what’s happened. The police 30 need to investigate, to get to the bottom of this. If there’s a link 31 between Diane’s death and these items, they’ll be able to figure it 32 out. And if not, if it’s something else, they can look into that 33 too.” 34 Callie nodded slowly but didn’t say anything. 35 S �śIt might not be Diane’s watch.” Melanie’s voice was soothing. 36 R �śIt’s just an ordinary Cartier watch, the same brand that I have.” 1 3 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 131 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y She extended her wrist so Callie could see the gold Tank with 1 its black strap. But all Callie could think was, They’re not at all the 2 same. 3 �śThey’re totally different watches,” she said, stating the obvi-4 ous point. 5 �śBut the same brand,” Melanie said. �śThe same manufacturer.” 6 �śSo what?” Callie said. She felt a little dazed. �śThe watch 7 Anna found is exactly the same. Like the one in Diane’s picture.” 8 Leaning forward in her chair, Melanie clasped her hands. 9 �śLook, you asked me if I believed you. I’m not sure why, but I do. 10 But you’ve put me in a difficult position. When you called me, 11 you caught me by surprise. It wasn’t until you’d finished talking 12 that you mentioned the attorney-client privilege. It hadn’t oc-13 curred to me. The thing is, something like this �" I can’t just 14 keep it to myself. It would be unethical. There’s an ongoing mur-15 der investigation. What you told me could be relevant. You could 16 be in danger yourself. You have no idea who’s behind this. You 17 don’t know what they’ll do next.” 18 �śI know that,” Callie said sharply. �śYou think I haven’t 19 thought of that?” 20 A long, tense silence. 21 Thoughts swirled through Callie’s mind. She now understood 22 why Melanie had been so careful to establish the context of their 23 conversation. Not lawyer-client. Friends. Of course there’d been 24 a reason. It had to do with the privilege. There must be limits on 25 it. If Melanie wasn’t officially her lawyer, perhaps the privilege 26 didn’t apply. That possibility seemed so obvious now, though it 27 hadn’t occurred to her before. But she’d trusted Melanie to keep 28 this confidential. Didn’t that mean a thing? 29 �śI’m sorry,” Callie said. �śI didn’t mean to get upset.” 30 �śIt’s an upsetting situation.” 31 �śYes,” said Callie. �śIt is.” She fought to keep her voice steady. 32 �śBut what I do about it �" if anything �" that should be my deci-33 sion. That’s why I called you instead of someone else. I thought 34 that because you were a lawyer, you’d have to respect my confi-S 35 dences.” R 36 1 3 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 132 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śI understand that,” Melanie said. �śBut even where the privi-2 lege applies, it isn’t absolute. For example, if you told me you 3 were going to commit a crime �"” 4 Callie jumped to her feet. �śBut it isn’t like that,” she said. �śIt’s 5 not the same thing at all.” 6 �śNo,” said Melanie. �śYou’re right. Still, it’s not the sort of 7 thing I can ethically keep to myself. At the very least, I need to 8 talk to one of my law firm’s partners. I work for them. They need 9 to know about this. The conversation we’ve had today �" there 10 isn’t a privilege issue. Before we started talking, we both agreed 11 that I’m not acting as your lawyer. When we talked on the phone 12 before �" to be honest, that’s a bit unclear. But even if a conver-13 sation is privileged, I could still talk to lawyers I work with. Any 14 privilege that exists would extend to members of the firm.” 15 �śOh,” said Callie. She bit her lip. She hadn’t realized that. 16 �śWould they tell anyone? The police, I mean?” 17 �śThat would depend,” Melanie said. �śI couldn’t say for sure.” 18 �śYou haven’t told anyone yet?” 19 A pause. 20 �śNo,” said Melanie. �śI haven’t.” 21 A brief moment of relief. At least she still had a chance. But 22 the situation was spiraling out of control, and Callie was at a loss. 23 All she knew was that she had to do something to stop Melanie 24 from talking. 25 �śI called you because I trusted you.” Before she thought it 26 through, the words were out. While she wasn’t even sure they 27 were true, they had the desired effect. Melanie seemed to hesi-28 tate, and Callie pressed her advantage. 29 �śIf you don’t want to get involved, fine. I can understand that. 30 But I don’t want anyone else to know. This is my problem. I can 31 handle it.” 32 �śActually,” Melanie said, �śI’m not sure that you can. It’s not 33 just about you, you know. Other people could be in danger.” 34 Startled, Callie stared at her. �śWhat do you mean?” she asked. 35 S �śJust that . . . Diane’s killer is still out there.” Melanie didn’t 36 R meet Callie’s eyes. She seemed suddenly uncomfortable. 1 3 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 133 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śThere’s something else,” Callie said. �śSomething you’re not 1 telling me.” 2 A shadow passed over Melanie’s face, and Callie knew she was 3 right. But just a fraction of a second later, her features settled 4 back in place. When Melanie spoke, she seemed remote, her face 5 a smooth mask. 6 �śWhat more would there have to be? Diane was murdered 7 shortly after you received a threatening letter. The letter was sent 8 on the anniversary of Steven Gage’s execution. Diane wrote 9 about Steven. A few days after the murder, someone sent you her 10 watch. It doesn’t take much to connect the dots. This isn’t good, 11 Laur �" Callie.” 12 �śIt said �ŚHappy Anniversary.’ That’s not exactly a threat.” 13 Melanie looked at her, shaking her head. She didn’t argue the 14 point. 15 Callie tried again. �śAnd like you said, it might not be her 16 watch. Maybe I’m totally wrong.” 17 �śYou might be,” Melanie said. �śThen again, you might be 18 right.” 19 Abruptly, Callie stood up. She walked over to the wall of win-20 dows and looked out on the city. She was surprised to find it was 21 still light outside. It seemed like she’d been here days. Her eyes 22 drifted over to the photographs on the bookshelf to her right. 23 Melanie in cap and gown, standing with an older man. A pretty 24 African-American girl in front of the Eiffel Tower. Several rows 25 of smiling men and women gathered on a college campus. Look-26 ing at the small collection, Callie thought about what was miss-27 ing. No sign of the former husband. No sign of Steven Gage. This 28 is how you created a past, plucking out bits and pieces. You put 29 on display the parts you chose, banished all the rest. And then if 30 you were very, very lucky, you managed to forget. 31 From behind her, Callie heard Melanie’s voice. �śI have an 32 idea,” she said. 33 �śOkay,” Callie said cautiously. She folded her arms and waited. 34 �śDo you remember Mike Jamison?” S 35 �śThe name sounds familiar.” R 36 1 3 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 134 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śHe was with the FBI. The Investigative Support Unit.” 2 �śThe profiler.” She remembered now. �śHe did all those inter-3 views with Steven. Right before �"” 4 �śYes.” 5 All these years later, they both still avoided the words. Right 6 before the execution. Right before his death. Right before the state 7 of Tennessee stuck a needle in him. 8 �śSo what about him?” Callie asked. 9 �śIt’s just an idea,” said Melanie. �śI haven’t spoken to him for 10 years. The last I heard he’d retired from the Bureau and joined a 11 corporate security firm. He’s a good person. I got to know him 12 pretty well during the appeal, and I . . . I always liked him.” 13 Melanie seemed oddly self-conscious, a flush rising in her 14 cheeks. The sudden shot of color threw her pallor into relief. 15 Quickly, she went on. 16 �śI was thinking that I could give him a call. He’s very well con-17 nected in the law-enforcement world. He’d have access to a lot 18 more information than either of us has. He could have the watch 19 and letter checked for fingerprints. He could also probably find 20 out if the watch really belonged to Diane.” 21 Callie sensed her heart beating faster. �śAnd if it did belong to 22 her?” 23 �śIf it did . . . I don’t know. But let’s not jump ahead.” 24 �śAnd you wouldn’t tell him who I am, where you got the 25 watch?” 26 Melanie hesitated. �śI wouldn’t have to at first,” she said. �śNot 27 unless the watch could be traced to Diane, and then . . . I’d have 28 to talk to someone at that point. I don’t see any way around it. 29 Even now, it seems problematic to be keeping this to myself.” 30 Putting herself in Melanie’s place, Callie understood. But if 31 Melanie wasn’t barred from talking, why was she cooperating? 32 �śSo why are you?” Callie said, suspicion creeping into her 33 voice. 34 Melanie flushed again, this time more deeply. �śWhen we first 35 S spoke, you believed you were speaking to me in confidence. I’d 36 R like to respect that if I can.” 1 3 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 135 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śI see.” Once again, Callie had the sense that Melanie was hid-1 ing something, that she had some secret agenda she hadn’t yet re-2 vealed. She’d have liked to know what this agenda was before 3 reaching a decision. But she could tell from Melanie’s closed ex-4 pression that she wasn’t going to discuss it. 5 �śAnd if I don’t agree?” asked Callie. �śThen what will you do?” 6 Melanie’s response was immediate, her voice clipped and as-7 sured. �śThen I’ll speak to some partners at my firm. We have an 8 Ethics Committee.” 9 The sun had slowly started to shift, dappling the room with 10 shadows. Callie looked at her own Swatch watch. The time was 11 3:35. She needed to be on the road within the next hour or so. 12 Rick was out of town again, visiting his parents. When she’d 13 dropped Anna off at the Creightons’, she’d promised to pick her 14 up before dinner. 15 Callie turned and faced Melanie, squarely meeting her eyes. 16 �śSo I don’t really have a choice,” she said. 17 �śI’m afraid that’s pretty much right.” 18 19 h 20 The paintings were god-awful. Sickly pastels on cheap cardboard, 21 the worst sort of tourist crap. Sunsets over the Hudson River. The 22 Empire State Building. Two fat children with lurid smiles skating 23 in Central Park. As luck would have it, he’d positioned himself 24 in front of one of the worst. But this was where he needed to 25 stand to get a clear view of her door. 26 �śYou like that one? I can make you a deal.” The painter �" you 27 couldn’t call him an artist �" was fat with a bright red face. He 28 had dirty fingernails and bloodshot eyes. He smelled of gin and 29 tobacco. 30 �śI’ll have to think about it.” He flashed a smile at the painter, 31 then quickly turned away. Careful as he’d been with his disguise, 32 there was no need to tempt fate. He was pretty sure the painter 33 was alcoholic, hardly a credible witness. Still, it was always possi-34 ble that the man would remember him. Regretfully, he decided S 35 not to return to this spot. He’d have to find another place from R 36 1 3 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 136 A M Y G U T M A N 1 which to observe her building. Luckily it was cold today, hover-2 ing around forty. No one would think it strange that he wore a 3 heavy coat, gloves, and hat. 4 He decided to cross the street, move in for a closer view. 5 But just as he stepped down off the curb, he saw her coming 6 toward him. For an instant he froze, unable to move, an animal 7 caught in headlights. His brain seemed to float. He couldn’t 8 breathe. How could she be here? 9 A wild confusion rolled over him as he dove back into the 10 crowd. It was like some strange, impossible dream with every-11 thing out of place. This was Melanie’s apartment building. Man-12 hattan. Central Park South. For a brief hopeful moment, he 13 thought he must be mistaken. He’d seen someone who resembled 14 Laura, not Laura herself. The optimism lasted another few sec-15 onds, until he looked again. 16 As she stood on the corner hailing a cab, there was no mistak-17 ing her. She wore that same look of lost confusion he’d seen 18 when she was alone. Of course, she wasn’t alone right now; 19 crowds surged around her. But despite the throngs of passersby, 20 he felt her isolation. The marked unhappiness on her face pro-21 voked a stab of joy. She should be unhappy. She should be alone. 22 This is what she deserved. Still, his pleasure in her suffering was 23 dampened by a growing fear. What was she doing at Melanie’s? 24 How had she come to be here? 25 A yellow cab screeched to a stop. Laura climbed inside. An in-26 stant later the cab wheeled right, and then she was out of sight. 27 He stared after her for another few moments, then walked up 28 Fifth Avenue. His legs wobbled beneath him. His heart rolled in 29 his chest. Around him, everything was swirling. His mind was a 30 sea of questions. 31 Turning into Central Park, he walked aimlessly. He ambled 32 past a set of swings, a zoo, a shallow pool. Everywhere, people 33 smiled. He wished that they were dead. A woman with a small 34 white dog gave him a pleasant nod. The smile faded from her red 35 S lips as he stared at her stonily. Over and over the same question 36 R 1 3 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 137 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y screamed in his brain. How had Laura come to be in Melanie’s 1 apartment? 2 He walked and walked, thinking hard, trying to sort it out. Try-3 ing to adjust his plans in light of this development. So Laura and 4 Melanie had found each other. That much was obvious. He was 5 pretty sure that Laura’s visit was linked to the letters and watch. 6 But how much did they know? What had they figured out? 7 For a moment, he had the disturbing thought that he’d under-8 estimated them. He’d known both women were smart, of course, 9 but he’d never expected this. The thought of them together, talk-10 ing, filled him with a burning rage. They had no business meet-11 ing. This wasn’t what he’d planned. Well, at least he knew what 12 was going on. For that much, he was grateful. At least he’d dis-13 covered the connection. An amazing stroke of luck. He savored 14 this last thought for a time, relishing their ignorance. Gradually, 15 like a shift in the wind, his confidence flowed back. 16 He made his way down a sheltered path beneath a canopy of 17 leaves. As he breathed in the scent of fresh, damp earth, his 18 thoughts moved to Diane. Ironic how this springtime smell 19 would always make him think of death, would always remind him 20 of how he’d left her, sprawled and still and white. 21 Again he thought of Melanie and Laura, their private assigna-22 tion. Perhaps his presence here today wasn’t a coincidence. Write 23 with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit. What he’d seen 24 today, he told himself, was a timely call to action. 25 26 h 27 It was almost eight o’clock, and the dining room was abuzz. 28 Clarence was the hot new downtown restaurant. You came to see 29 and be seen. This is what Melanie told herself as she dutifully 30 scanned the menu. Still, with each passing minute, her irritation 31 mounted. The list of entrées was ridiculous, each dish more pre-32 posterous than the last. Beef cheeks glacé? You’ve got to be kidding. 33 Salmon profiteroles? 34 Across the blue-lacquered table, Paul put on reading glasses. S 35 R 36 1 3 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 138 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Brow furrowed, he studied the menu as if it were a client’s 2 prospectus. He looked so humorless sitting there, she had to nee-3 dle him. 4 �śThink they’d make me a burger?” 5 Paul looked at her, annoyed. 6 �śGeez. I’m just joking.” Then she felt a little bad. Paul had 7 been excited about tonight. He loved checking out new restau-8 rants. 9 A waiter banged into the back of her chair. Melanie gritted her 10 teeth. With resolve, she turned to the menu again, but nothing 11 appealed to her. She found herself thinking of the pork barbecue 12 she’d loved as a kid in Nashville. Not the fern-bar version but 13 real soul food. It was a taste she’d shared with her father, much to 14 her mother’s chagrin. Their maid, Ruby, used to sneak in cartons 15 from a place near her home in North Nashville. 16 Again, she read through the offerings. Duck confit? Baby lamb 17 chops? 18 She closed the menu and pushed it aside. �śYou pick for me,” 19 she said. 20 Paul looked up, clearly pleased. �śAre you sure?” he asked. 21 �śOf course. Why not?” she said. 22 And after all, it was true. 23 For the past two weeks, she’d barely eaten, just yogurt, carrots, 24 and juice. She’d tried to force down some oatmeal this morning 25 but choked after two mouthfuls. 26 Paul was talking to the waiter now, ordering food and wine. 27 His light brown hair was thinning. In five or ten years he’d be bald. 28 �śYou’re sure that’s okay?” he asked her. 29 �śAbsolutely,” she said. 30 A waiter walked by carrying plates stacked high with elaborate 31 turrets of food. She caught a whiff of exotic scents, anise and 32 maybe mint. Paul picked up a crisp bread stick and swiped it 33 through a bowl of dip. There was something subtly annoying in 34 the sound he made as he chewed. 35 S He patted his mouth with a napkin. �śSo how was your day?” he 36 R asked. 1 3 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 139 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Melanie sipped her water. �śFine,” she said. �śYours?” 1 That was all it took. He launched into a report. How he’d 2 spent an hour on the StairMaster before going in to work. How 3 pleased Jason Fisk �" a powerful partner �" had been with the 4 brief he’d drafted. She grimly wondered how long it would be be-5 fore he noticed her silence. Then, abashed, she told herself that 6 she wasn’t being fair. If she wouldn’t talk, she couldn’t blame Paul 7 for taking up the slack. 8 Still, the more he went on, the more he wore on her nerves. 9 Food arrived at the table. Paul continued to talk. She found 10 herself thinking of Mike Jamison, wondering how he’d changed. 11 She hadn’t seen him in almost five years, since Gage’s execution. 12 Where Paul’s smile was quicksilver bright, Jamison’s had an edge. 13 She remembered the first time she’d seen that smile, how some-14 thing in her had responded. It seemed to have layers of meaning: 15 amusement, irony, sadness. 16 She’d called Jamison earlier tonight, left a message on his of-17 fice voice mail. Luckily she had the name of the firm where he’d 18 gone to work. She’d received the announcement when he left 19 the FBI and had taken down the information. When she flipped 20 through her office Rolodex, there was his name and address. 21 �śSo how is it?” Paul’s voice pulled her back to the present, to 22 the table filled with food. 23 �śFabulous,” she said. �śIt’s great.” 24 �śYou’ve hardly eaten a thing.” 25 Melanie looked down at her plate. There were layers of yellow, 26 green, and orange over something white. What was it that Paul 27 had ordered for her? It looked like some sort of fish. She saw that 28 she’d been cutting off pieces, arranging them in rows. 29 She forced herself to take a bite, then pushed her plate toward 30 Paul. �śI guess I’m just not hungry,” she said. �śWhy don’t you have 31 mine?” 32 �śFine,” Paul said shortly. She could tell that he was angry. 33 They didn’t say much for the rest of the meal. They didn’t or-34 der dessert. It was a relief when Paul put down his espresso and S 35 asked to be brought the check. R 36 1 3 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 140 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Outside the restaurant, the night was brisk. It took some time 2 to get a cab. They waited silently, hands raised, as if they were al-3 most strangers. Paul gave her a cool kiss as he put her into the 4 taxi. He didn’t ask to come home with her, one thing she was 5 grateful for. 6 The first thing she saw when she got home was the flashing red 7 light on her phone. Without waiting to remove her coat, she 8 quickly crossed the floor. 9 She’d forgotten how deep his voice was, strong and self-assured. 10 Just the sound of the recorded words swept her back in time, 11 back to those desperate weeks in Tennessee before the execution. 12 He’d been so absorbed in his work, that’s what she remembered 13 most. It was hard to imagine him in private business, retired from 14 the FBI. 15 �śMelanie. God, it’s good to hear from you.” He sounded as if he 16 meant it. �śListen, if you get in tonight, give me a call at home. 17 Don’t worry about the time. I’m up late.” He left a 703 number. 18 Virginia, she thought. 19 It was a little before nine. Slowly, Melanie walked to a closet 20 and hung up her coat. She hadn’t expected him to call so soon. 21 For reasons she didn’t quite understand, the message unsettled 22 her. There’d been a bond, an understanding, between them, at 23 least that’s how she had felt. At some level hard to articulate, 24 Mike Jamison had been important. He’d liked her. He’d believed 25 in her. Perhaps it was that simple. If she talked to him, she risked 26 finding out that what they’d shared was gone. Perhaps because 27 she’d lost so much, she clung to what was left. 28 Jamison had arrived in Nashville just weeks before the execu-29 tion. At the time, he was a star profiler in the FBI’s Investigative 30 Support Unit, lead author of a landmark study on sexual preda-31 tors. It was Gage who’d requested Jamison’s presence after read-32 ing some of his work. He’d written Jamison a flattering letter, 33 asking to meet with him. The tone of the letter had been colle-34 gial, one expert speaking to another. Gage had dangled the 35 S tempting possibility that he might finally open up, disclose the 36 R locations of dozens of victims whose remains had never been 1 4 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 141 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y found. By this point, Gage had been grasping at straws, aware 1 time was running out. The offer had been an obvious ploy to de-2 fer his execution. 3 Gage’s courting of Jamison had horrified his lawyers. She re-4 called the disbelief on Fred Irving’s face when Gage announced 5 his plans. Jamison, of course, hadn’t cared what Gage’s motives 6 were. The chance of interviewing Steven Gage was something he 7 couldn’t pass up. Once it was clear that they couldn’t stop Gage, 8 his lawyers had gone along. Irving had tapped Melanie to talk to 9 the profiler. At the time, she’d taken this assignment as proof of 10 the partners’ trust. Only later did she realize that they’d simply 11 given up. 12 In retrospect, it was hard to see how the interviews made any 13 difference. Melanie even thought that Steven had shown a level 14 of shrewdness. As the nation’s most prolific serial killer, Gage had 15 had a certain power. He’d known how tantalized Jamison would 16 be by the prospect of meeting with him. It hadn’t been illogical 17 for Gage to seek Jamison’s help, to think that the profiler might 18 do what he could to preserve his specimen. 19 Her first talk with Jamison took place over coffee at a Waffle 20 House near the prison. It was late at night, and, except for them, 21 the restaurant was nearly empty. For obvious reasons, there’d 22 been strict limits on what she was able to say. As Gage’s lawyer 23 she couldn’t discuss the obvious facts of his guilt. At the same 24 time, nothing had prevented her from listening to Jamison. 25 They’d sat there for several hours in the stiffness of the booth, 26 drinking cups of oil-black coffee under harsh fluorescent light. 27 She’d made her case for sparing Gage’s life, then listened as Jami-28 son talked. 29 Jamison had the easygoing manner of an aging college athlete. 30 There was something about him that inspired trust. You wanted 31 to confide in him. Was it something he’d learned, she’d won-32 dered, or something he’d always had? But the thing that had im-33 pressed her most was his passion for his work. She’d certainly 34 known driven men and women before. Her husband. Her class-S 35 mates and colleagues. But in Jamison she’d sensed a purity en-R 36 1 4 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 142 A M Y G U T M A N 1 tirely new to her. He wasn’t driven by money or power but by the 2 need to know. 3 They’d talked about the insanity defense and whether Steven 4 might have used it. By this time, of course, the point was moot, 5 even if he’d reconsidered. Jamison had said Gage wasn’t insane, 6 at least not legally. But she’d heard the irony in his voice and 7 pounced on the distinction. 8 �śYou don’t think he’s really sane,” she’d charged. 9 Jamison had shrugged. �śHe knew what he was doing, and he 10 knew that it was wrong. That’s your basic legal definition. No 11 question he’s well within it. But sane in any meaningful way? Not 12 to my mind, no. A lot’s been made of the fact that Gage was able 13 to control his impulses. When he was in danger of being caught, 14 he kept a low profile. After Dahlia Schuyler was killed, there 15 were no more Tennessee murders. He managed to restrain him-16 self until leaving the jurisdiction.” 17 �śSo what then? What are you saying?” 18 �śWhat I’m saying is, so what? C’mon, Ms. White. You’re a 19 smart woman. What’s wrong with this picture?” 20 �śI’m his lawyer, Mr. Jamison. I can’t answer that.” Even to her-21 self, she sounded priggish, but it was something that had to be 22 said. 23 �śOkay, then. So let’s speak hypothetically. ” Again, the ironic 24 tone. �śA guy manages to restrain himself from this �" if not un-25 controllable, let’s say compelling �" need to murder women, to 26 have sex with their corpses and then dismember them. You hear 27 about a guy like this. Based on your personal definition, would 28 you consider him sane?” 29 �śNo.” 30 �śWhat I’m saying is that the legal definition isn’t all that use-31 ful. At least not from a psychological perspective, which is where 32 my interests lie. When we ask if someone is able to control an im-33 pulse to kill other human beings, to my mind we’ve skipped right 34 over the most interesting questions. For normal people, these 35 S urges don’t exist. We don’t have to control them. You and me �" 36 R most people �" we have no idea what it’s like to have this drive 1 4 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 143 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y to kill. This sort of killer is profoundly different from the rest of 1 us. To say that he could have controlled the impulse �" it’s sort of 2 ludicrous. A way to reassure ourselves that the world is compre-3 hensible. We say, �ŚHe’s not insane, he’s evil. He chose to do what 4 he did.’ But the sort of choice we’re talking about isn’t the kind 5 we make. It’s the choice to resist an impulse that no normal per-6 son feels. Ultimately, I think we’ll find the explanation in some 7 sort of neural wiring. There’s all sorts of research going on point-8 ing in that direction.” 9 Melanie still remembered that talk as if it were yesterday. It 10 had been the first of several they’d had during that strange and 11 terrible time, as the weeks and days ticked away toward the exe-12 cution date. 13 Then, suddenly, it was over, and Steven Gage was dead. She 14 woke up to find the cause that had obsessed her had vanished 15 into thin air. While she’d known it would happen, tried to pre-16 pare, she couldn’t take it in. The first day, she felt utterly numb, 17 bereft of all emotion. She packed up the files, her clothing, as if 18 she were a machine. Not until she talked to Jamison did she fi-19 nally burst into tears. It was Jamison who’d spent that night with 20 her, talking and drinking whiskey. 21 The next day, she’d flown back to D.C. and found Frank with 22 Mary Beth. 23 If not for the collapse of her marriage, she’d have kept in touch 24 with Jamison. But at the time, she’d needed all her energies sim-25 ply to survive. Until then, her life had gone according to plan. 26 She’d had a sense of control. Then, in quick succession, came 27 three devastating blows. Gage’s execution. Her husband’s be-28 trayal. The derailment of her career. 29 �śI hope you understand,” Fred Irving had said, his bald head 30 shining in the light. Behind his massive desk, he’d actually 31 seemed a little nervous. �śIt’s nothing personal. You did a splendid 32 job on the Gage case, but your skills are limited.” 33 She’d wanted to scream, �śAnd whose fault is that?” Instead, 34 she’d sat there, nodding. Already, she was thinking ahead. She’d S 35 need his recommendation. R 36 1 4 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 144 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Then came the divorce, the move to New York, the years at 2 Harwich & Young, where, thanks to her friendship with Vivian, 3 she’d managed to find a job. While she’d never forgotten Mike 4 Jamison, they’d long ago lost touch. 5 Melanie picked up the phone and dialed. He answered on the 6 second ring. 7 He didn’t say hello, just repeated her name. Something in his 8 tone, a depth of feeling, filled her with a sudden warmth. 9 �śHow are you?” he asked. 10 �śI’m . . . fine, ” she said. And then, �śNot really. Actually, I have 11 a problem.” 12 �śI figured as much,” he said. �śWhat can I do to help?” 13 He was acting as if no time at all had passed, which was strange 14 but comforting. 15 �śI . . . I need to talk to you. In confidence.” 16 �śOf course.” He didn’t hesitate. 17 It was easy, far easier than she’d expected. She told him every-18 thing. Without identifying Laura �" Callie �" she ticked off the 19 relevant facts. How this woman she knew had received a letter 20 on the anniversary of Gage’s death. How weeks later, a Cartier 21 watch had been found by the woman’s daughter, left in a plastic 22 Easter egg at a neighborhood Easter egg hunt. He already knew 23 about Diane Massey’s death, had followed it in the papers. So 24 when she told him that the watch resembled Diane’s, she didn’t 25 have to explain. 26 �śYou think it’s the same watch,” he said. A statement, not a 27 question. 28 She tried to hedge a bit. �śOf course, I really don’t know. But 29 the whole thing is troubling. It’s a lot to ask, but I was hoping . . . 30 hoping that you could help. That maybe you’d have some way of 31 finding out if Diane’s watch was missing after her death.” 32 �śI have some connections in the Maine state police. I could 33 certainly talk to them. The thing is, if it’s true, they’ll be all over 34 me. They’ll want to know the source of my information. They’ll 35 S want all the facts.” 36 R �śRight,” said Melanie. �śI know that. But I was thinking �" 1 4 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 145 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y what if you don’t mention a watch, just act like you’re curious. 1 Like it’s some sort of personal interest linked to your crime scene 2 research. And then, if the watch was missing, well, then we go 3 from there. I’ll go back to . . . this woman, and tell her she needs 4 to come forward. I think if she really knows for sure, then she’d 5 be willing to do that. She just doesn’t want to go through the or-6 deal if it doesn’t lead anywhere.” 7 �śI don’t think I could do that, Melanie.” His voice was regret-8 ful but firm. �śI couldn’t lie to these guys. If I approach them, I’ve 9 got to be honest. Now, I could tell them I’m withholding certain 10 information, but if there’s anything to all this, it’s not going to 11 end there. They’ll want to talk to you. They’ll want to talk to this 12 woman. If you don’t come forward voluntarily, there’s the possi-13 bility of a subpoena.” 14 Melanie let what he’d said sink in. 15 �śThe woman who told you all this. Do you think she could 16 have staged this? That she might be using Diane’s death to get at-17 tention for herself?” 18 �śThat occurred to me too,” Melanie confessed. �śBut after talk-19 ing to her, I really don’t think so.” There was also the issue of 20 chronology, her own note arriving before Diane was killed. But 21 she wasn’t prepared to discuss that. At least not yet. 22 �śDoes she have any theories? Of who might be behind it?” 23 Melanie took a deep breath. �śDo you remember Lester Crain?” 24 �śLester Crain? God, yes. But why . . .” His voice trailed off, and 25 she could almost hear his mind spin. �śBecause of that thing with 26 Gage, right?” 27 �śExactly. She has this idea that Crain might be trying to 28 avenge Gage’s death.” 29 �śSo this woman, did she know Gage herself?” 30 �śI . . . I can’t get into that.” 31 On the other end of the phone line, she heard a sharp intake 32 of breath. �śMy God, Melanie, is it you?” 33 �śMe?” She gave a short, dry laugh. �śNo. No, of course not. If it 34 was me, I’d tell you.” S 35 �śI hope so,” he said seriously. �śBecause the thing is . . . if this R 36 1 4 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 146 A M Y G U T M A N 1 all is for real, if it’s not a ploy, then it could be very, very serious. 2 This woman, whoever she is, could be in danger herself. Does she 3 realize this? Is she taking precautions?” 4 �śI’m not sure what she’s doing. I’ll talk to her, though. Warn 5 her.” 6 �śPlease do that.” The heavy seriousness of his voice left 7 Melanie slightly dizzy. It was the first time she’d fully grasped the 8 potential risks she herself faced. Perhaps she’d focused on Callie’s 9 dilemma to avoid facing up to her own. 10 �śDo you have any particular suggestions? For what she should 11 do, I mean?” 12 �śShe should go to the police,” he said promptly. �śThat’s what 13 she should do.” 14 �śI know, but it’s complicated. There are reasons she doesn’t 15 want to do that.” 16 �śThen she should be very careful. If she has the money, hire 17 private security. If not, do whatever she can to make sure her 18 house is protected. Get a good alarm system. Does she live 19 alone?” 20 Melanie hesitated. While that was the impression she’d had, 21 she realized she didn’t know. �śExcept for her child, I think so.” 22 �śWell, let’s just hope this whole thing is a false alarm. Maybe 23 it’s a practical joke.” 24 �śRight,” said Melanie. A joke. At the thought, her spirits 25 briefly lifted. 26 �śSo what do you think?” Jamison asked. �śWhat do you want 27 to do?” 28 �śWell . . . what if you go to the Maine police and tell them 29 that you have some potentially significant information. That 30 you’ve talked with someone in possession of a watch that might 31 have belonged to Diane. I have the watch right here. I could give 32 you the serial number. If it belongs to her, she probably has the 33 documentation somewhere. You usually need to take it in when 34 you get a watch like this serviced.” 35 S �śAnd if it turns out to have belonged to Diane? They’ll want to 36 R talk to this woman.” 1 4 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 147 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śI could go back to her then. Explain that she has to talk to the 1 police. That she really doesn’t have a choice.” 2 �śThey could do their best to protect her. Keep her identity 3 confidential.” 4 �śI’ll tell her that,” said Melanie, though she doubted that Cal-5 lie would be reassured. Callie, she had a strong feeling, wasn’t 6 used to trusting people. 7 �śOkay, then. I’ll make the calls first thing tomorrow morning. 8 You want to give me the watch information?” 9 �śIt’s a Cartier Panther. Panther’s the model. Let’s see, there are 10 two numbers on the back �" eleven-twenty and then, below 11 that, one-five-seven-four-eight-zero-CD.” 12 In the background, she heard the scratch of pen on paper. 13 �śI was thinking about fingerprints,” she said. �śDo you think it’s 14 worth trying to lift them?” 15 �śLet’s wait on that. Let me talk to the guys in Maine first.” 16 �śSure. Okay.” 17 There was a break in the conversation, as if each of them was 18 waiting for the other to speak. 19 �śSo, how are you?” he asked again. �śGod, it’s been a long time.” 20 �śYes,” she said. �śIt really has. It seems like another lifetime.” 21 �śStill practicing law?” 22 �śI’m at a firm in New York now. Harwich and Young.” 23 �śSure. I’ve heard of it.” 24 �śI’m actually up for partner soon. Things are looking pretty 25 good.” 26 �śCongratulations.” 27 �śWell, we’ll see. And you? How’ve you been?” 28 �śLet’s see. I guess it’s been about three years since I left the Bu-29 reau. I took a year off after that. I needed to spend some time with 30 my kids. Get my life together. I started this new gig last year. Cor-31 porate security. Employee background checks. Psychological as-32 sessments. After September eleventh, the industry exploded. 33 It’s . . . different from what I did at the Bureau, but I’m not sure 34 that’s a bad thing.” S 35 �śAnd your wife? How’s she doing?” R 36 1 4 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 148 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śShe’s . . . well, she’s fine, but we’re not together anymore. We 2 split up about four years ago. Mainly my fault, I think.” 3 �śI’m so sorry,” said Melanie. 4 �śIt was for the best,” he said. �śIt was hard for the kids at first, 5 but I think they’re doing okay now. Both of them were already in 6 college. That made it easier.” 7 �śI got divorced too,” Melanie said. �śAt just about the same 8 time.” She didn’t mention her engagement. She didn’t mention 9 Paul. 10 �śAh, Melanie. That’s tough.” 11 �śNo kids, though,” she said. �śAnd we weren’t together so 12 long.” 13 �śStill. It’s never easy.” 14 �śNo,” she said. �śIt’s not.” 15 A pause. 16 �śYou know,” he said. �śI’m in New York a fair bit. It would be 17 great to get together.” 18 As he spoke, she realized that she’d been waiting. �śI’d like 19 that,” she said. 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 1 4 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 149 Tuesday, April 25 Th e Windham College cafeteria had embarked on a some-1 what unsettling series of meals with themes. Some of them were 2 pleasant enough, mildly appealing diversions: Cajun Day. Choco-3 late Madness. Veg-Stravaganza. But on other days, Callie had to 4 wonder what drugs they had in the kitchen. Today, for example, 5 had a carnival theme, complete with carousel music. The sound 6 screeched out tunelessly from somebody’s old boom box. 7 Callie slid her tray past the steam tray, Martha trailing behind 8 her. Foot-long hot dogs and hot pretzels. A lurid vat of yellow 9 popcorn. 10 Callie turned to Martha. �śSalad bar?” she asked. 11 Martha wrinkled her nose. �śAbsolutely,” she said. 12 They found two chairs at the end of a table in the crowded din-13 ing room. As she speared a leaf of lettuce, Callie thought about 14 Thursday’s party. She’d broached the subject with Tod last week, 15 and he’d happily accepted. She hadn’t described it as a fix-up, 16 just an informal dinner. Along with Martha and Tod, she’d de-17 cided to invite the Creightons. Anna spent so much time at their 18 house, she really owed Mimi and Bernie. Besides, this way Anna 19 could stay with Henry Creighton and his sitter. 20 Callie looked at her watch. �śI’ve got to shop for the party this 21 afternoon. The rest of this week is crazy.” 22 �śAre you sure I can’t bring anything?” 23 �śNope. I’ve got everything in hand.” 24 �śWhat are you going to wear?” asked Martha. 25 �śOh, it’s totally casual. I may wear a skirt but just because I’ll S 26 be more comfortable.” R 27 1 4 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 150 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Looking at Martha, her pretty, worn face, Callie felt a need to 2 caution her. �śLook, I really don’t know what the deal is with Tod. 3 Rick thinks he’s still hung up on his ex-wife, so I’m not sure he’s 4 available. But he’s a really nice guy. I thought it was worth a shot.” 5 Martha pushed back a wave of hair. It was wavy, not fuzzy, 6 whatever Rick might say. �śBelieve me,” Martha said, �śI’m not ex-7 pecting a thing.” 8 �śIt’ll be fun,” Callie said. �śAnd anyway, who knows?” 9 Martha had started to smile at something over Callie’s shoul-10 der. �śDon’t look now, but right behind you, Kabuki Girl and 11 Nathan are having lunch. From the looks of it, she’s talking his 12 ear off. But he doesn’t seem to mind.” 13 �śYou know, I thought something might be going on. When he 14 stopped by the office the other day, she really seemed interested.” 15 Callie tried to steal a covert glance, but she wasn’t fast enough. 16 At the exact moment she turned her head, Nathan looked up. 17 Even at the distance, she saw him flush, then he was on his feet, 18 picking up his tray of food, moving toward their table. 19 Watching Nathan’s retreating back, Posy glared at Callie. 20 �śDamn,” Callie muttered. �śWhy did I have to look?” 21 Then Nathan was in front of them. �śOkay if I join you?” Be-22 neath the pink flush of his face, the skin was dry and flaking. The 23 plate on his cafeteria tray held two foot-long hot dogs. 24 Martha looked helplessly at Callie. 25 Callie balled up her napkin and tossed it onto her tray. �śActu-26 ally, we’re finishing up. We were just about to leave.” 27 If Nathan hadn’t shown up, she might have stuck around for 28 coffee. As it was, Callie decided she might as well get moving. 29 Tomorrow would be hectic. She had a lot to do. Rick had some 30 sort of training that would take him to Springfield for the night. 31 The trip would keep him from helping out with their usual 32 Wednesday pizza. 33 She decided to drive out to Atkins Farms to pick up food for 34 the party. The upscale indoor farmers’ market would have every-35 S thing she needed. 36 R * * * 1 5 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 151 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y As she turned off Route 9 onto 47, the mountains rose up around 1 her, cradling her in the restfulness of their ancient rocky hold. 2 The landscape never failed to calm her. It was what had brought 3 her here. Before then, she’d been so completely lost, living with 4 Kevin outside Indianapolis. It was during that time, after Anna 5 was born, that she’d started to think about finishing school. She’d 6 discovered Windham’s Abbott Scholars program at a local col-7 lege placement office. But academics weren’t the main attrac-8 tion, at least not initially. What had captivated her at the start 9 was a campus photograph. The brochure showed Windham’s red-10 brick buildings nestled against the mountains. Instantly she’d 11 been transfixed, had thought, I could be happy there. 12 The Atkins Farms parking lot, jammed on weekends, was half 13 empty today. Callie quickly found a parking space and headed for 14 the long, low building. Inside, she took a sensual delight in the 15 jewel-like mounds of produce. Red tomatoes. Purple eggplants. 16 Dark, leafy greens. She grabbed a shopping cart and reached for 17 her list. First stop, the meat counter. She’d decided to cook a pork 18 roast, easy and always good. The menu was wintry for this time of 19 year, but nights were still quite cold. She’d serve the roast with 20 spinach, spiced onions, and red potatoes. 21 In less than an hour, she was finished. 22 She put her bags in the back of her Subaru and headed back to 23 Merritt, munching on a cider donut as she listened to NPR. Traf-24 fic was picking up now, as the early shift headed home. By the 25 time she pulled into the driveway, it was almost three o’clock. 26 She saw it on the porch, a white florist’s box. Instantly, she 27 thought of Rick with an upwelling of warmth. He knew that 28 she’d been stressed lately, and there’d been some tension between 29 them. Her hesitation over his proposal. Anxiety over Anna. But 30 as usual, Rick was reaching out, trying to bridge the gap. Looping 31 the grocery bags over one arm, she reached down and picked up 32 the box. 33 Sun poured through the windows as she stepped into the 34 kitchen. She put down the bags on the counter, then turned to S 35 open the box. Carefully, she peeled off the gold seals that held R 36 1 5 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 152 A M Y G U T M A N 1 the top in place. She took off the cover, looked at the flowers, 2 and instantly went numb. 3 Roses. Red roses. 4 She felt a mounting panic. 5 The scent floated up in a cloying cloud, everywhere at once. 6 She was hot, cold, dizzy. Her heart raced in her chest. As if from 7 a distance, she watched herself slowly back away. When she 8 reached the other side of the room, she stood there, silent, help-9 less. And still she could smell the flowers, their violent, deep per-10 fume. She wanted to scream, to break something, but she couldn’t 11 seem to move. All she could do was stare, aghast, at the box of 12 long-stemmed flowers. He knew how much she hated roses. 13 What had he been thinking? 14 What had he been thinking? 15 And then, skin prickling, she realized. 16 The roses weren’t from Rick. 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 1 5 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 153 Wednesday, April 26 It was almost eleven o’clock, and the law firm had fallen silent. 1 It was Melanie’s favorite time to work, the time she got the most 2 done. During the day there were endless phone calls and meet-3 ings, crises demanding attention. Late at night, she could finally 4 concentrate, work without interruption. 5 For the past two hours, she’d been at her computer, skimming 6 case citations. She’d been drafting a response in the Leverett ap-7 peal when she’d decided to check the case law, to be sure that 8 none of the cited cases had been overturned since the hearing. 9 At first, she’d planned to check just one or two, the key opinions 10 relied upon. But one thing led to another, and now, here she was. 11 Of course, she could have assigned the task to some junior asso-12 ciate. But while the task was largely mechanical, it was vitally 13 important. 14 For some reason, she was feeling sad tonight, and at first she 15 didn’t know why. Then she saw them in her mind’s eye, those two 16 scared faces: Penny and Wilbur Murphy. The couple who’d lost 17 their savings. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t. Still, the guilt was 18 there. She’d gone to law school with the notion of making the 19 world a better place. I used to be a nicer person, she thought. The 20 sadness weighed on her. 21 The phone rang on her desk, a shrill insistent sound. She 22 picked it up right away, grateful for the distraction. 23 �śMelanie White,” she said. 24 �śMelanie. It’s Mike.” 25 At the sound of his voice, an electric current seemed to run S 26 through her body. R 27 1 5 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 154 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śIs it okay to talk?” he asked tersely. �śI’ve got some things to 2 tell you.” 3 Before he said anything further, she knew why he was calling. 4 �śThe watch,” she said. �śIt belonged to Diane.” 5 �śI just got the call,” he said. 6 Melanie rolled her chair from the desk, turned away from her 7 computer. She stared out the window blankly, holding the phone 8 in her hand. �śSo what’s next? What happens?” 9 �śThey want to get hold of the watch. And whoever this 10 woman is who had it, they want to talk to her.” 11 �śI’ll call her.” Melanie was thinking out loud. �śExplain the sit-12 uation.” 13 �śTell her they’ll try to work with her. To protect her privacy.” 14 Melanie’s heart was pounding. Happy Anniversary, Melanie. 15 The words flashed through her mind. She didn’t want to think 16 about what they meant, those letters sent to her and Callie. 17 �śSo what’s the status of the investigation?” she asked. �śAre 18 there any significant leads?” 19 �śNone that’s gone anywhere, at least so far as they’ll tell me. 20 They’ve talked to the guy Diane Massey was dating, but he’s 21 pretty much been cleared. They were also looking into possible 22 links to the book she was working on. When she was killed, she 23 was finishing up a book about Winnie Dandridge.” 24 �śThat Texas black widow?” Melanie asked. 25 �śRight. That’s the one. Diane had been threatened by a pal of 26 Dandridge’s, but nothing’s panned out so far. This guy, he’s still 27 the strongest lead, but he’s got pretty good alibis. The thing is, no 28 one’s had any reason to think that her murder could be linked to 29 the Gage case.” 30 �śWhat about Lester Crain? Did you look into that at all?” 31 �śThe watch will be checked for fingerprints, but Crain didn’t 32 kill Diane Massey.” 33 �śWhy? How can you know?” 34 �śThe crime scene. It’s not Crain’s. The signature of a sexual 35 S sadist always stays the same. There may be some variation, but 36 R the core �" it’s always there.” 1 5 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 155 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śThe signature?” Melanie recalled the term, but wasn’t clear 1 on its meaning. 2 �śThink of it as a calling card. A sort of identifier. Crain always 3 tortured his victims before killing them. His gratification didn’t 4 come from killing. It came from causing pain. Now the ways that 5 he tortured his victims varied. That led to some confusion. It 6 took some time for the different jurisdictions to see that the mur-7 ders were linked. They were focusing on the techniques instead 8 of the act of torture itself. In fact, the shifts in techniques were 9 just efforts at improvement. Crain changed his M.O. �" his spe-10 cific techniques �" as he found more effective ones.” 11 Melanie’s mouth felt dry. �śAnd Diane. You’re saying she wasn’t 12 tortured? So Crain couldn’t be the killer?” 13 �śThat’s right.” 14 �śBut I don’t understand. People change.” 15 �śI’ve never seen a signature change, not the essential parts.” 16 There was something in his voice, a certainty, that stopped 17 Melanie from pressing. It sounded a bit far-fetched. Never? But 18 Jamison was the expert. 19 Another thought occurred to her. �śWhat about Gage’s signa-20 ture? Are there . . . similarities?” 21 �śNo. Totally different. Gage was a necrophile. He killed 22 women to control their bodies. He killed them and then he raped 23 them.” 24 �śRight.” Melanie’s stomach churned. It was something she’d 25 always tried not to think about, that particular fact. He’d killed 26 them, then had sex. The women had been just bodies to him. 27 He’d referred to them as subjects. 28 Jamison was going on. �śAccording to the M.E.’s report, there’s 29 no sign that Diane was molested. The victimology is different, 30 too. Crain targeted runaways and prostitutes. Women living on 31 the edge. Heavy makeup. Big hair. That was his physical type.” 32 �śAnd the victimology �" that stays the same too?” 33 �śNot always,” Jamison admitted. �śEspecially when the killer’s 34 under stress, he may jump victim pools. Take Ted Bundy, for ex-S 35 ample. He had a type. Pretty, young women with long, dark hair R 36 1 5 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 156 A M Y G U T M A N 1 parted down the middle. Then when he started to decompensate, 2 he killed that child in Florida. But that was the beginning of the 3 end for him. A sign he was falling apart. Under normal condi-4 tions, these guys stick with a type.” 5 �śLike Steven killed slender blondes.” 6 �śRight.” 7 Women who looked like me. She thought but didn’t say that be-8 fore quickly moving on. 9 �śWhat about forensic evidence �" fibers, fingerprints, any-10 thing like that?” 11 �śI don’t know,” Jamison said. �śIt’s an ongoing investigation. 12 They wouldn’t tell me much. There’s something else I meant to 13 ask you. That anonymous note you mentioned. What did it say 14 again?” 15 �śJust �ŚHappy Anniversary. I haven’t forgotten you.’ And then 16 her . . . this nickname she used to have.” At this point it seemed 17 slightly absurd to be concealing her identity. But she felt some 18 sort of obligation to keep the secret while she could. She could 19 still let Callie come forward herself, allow her that measure of 20 control. 21 �śWhat sort of paper?” 22 �śWhite, eight-and-a-half-by-eleven. Some sort of lightweight 23 bond, I guess.” 24 �śHandwritten?” 25 �śNo, it was typed. Or maybe printed from a computer.” The 26 line of questioning was filling her with a vague sense of forebod-27 ing. �śWhere are you going with this?” she asked. 28 �śThe detective in charge of the investigation had been going 29 through Diane’s correspondence. When I mentioned the note to 30 him, he had a lot of questions. I’m thinking that there’s a pretty 31 good chance Diane got a similar note.” 32 33 As she walked through the door that night, Melanie realized with 34 surprise she was hungry. When was the last time she’d felt that 35 S way? She really couldn’t remember. The craving for barbecue 36 R she’d had the other night returned with renewed force. She could 1 5 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 157 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y almost smell the smoky meat, taste the bite of pickle. She 1 thought of Virgil’s near Times Square, Brother’s somewhere 2 downtown. But chances were slim to none they were open, and 3 even less they’d deliver. 4 Flipping through the Yellow Pages, she had a sudden thought. 5 The pork buns you got at Chinese restaurants, maybe they’d do 6 the trick. Not that the taste would be the same, but the texture 7 was pretty close. The spongy bread, the tender meat. At least it 8 was worth a try. Chinese restaurants were everywhere, open day 9 and night. She found an ad for one nearby, called, and placed an 10 order. 11 Hanging up, she almost started to laugh, imagining her father’s 12 reaction. He’d be amused at her ingenuity but still horrified. 13 They’d both been purists about barbecue, refusing to compro-14 mise. �śDaddy,” she whispered softly. Tears pricked her eyelids. 15 She yearned for the closeness she’d had with her father until 16 Steven Gage. 17 As a baby, it had been assumed that Melanie would be her 18 mother’s child. After four sons, Patricia White had been thrilled 19 with her infant daughter. She’d named her after Melanie Wilkes, 20 the perfect lady in Gone with the Wind, an exemplar of the tradi-21 tional virtues of southern womanhood. As a child, Melanie had 22 found herself dressed in pale pink dresses with starchy lace. 23 White ruffly anklets. Shiny patent shoes. She slept on an enor-24 mous canopy bed with piles of silky pillows, took ballet lessons 25 twice a week, had dozens of flaxen-haired dolls. 26 But the older she got, the more Melanie chafed at her mother’s 27 instructions. She’d excelled at sports, running track and develop-28 ing a mean backhand. When she was eight, her mother had told 29 her, �śNever beat a boy at tennis.” By then, she’d already known 30 that her mother was the enemy. She’d respectfully listened to this 31 new injunction, nodded and said, �śYes, ma’am.” But she’d sat 32 there silently thinking, That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. 33 Richard White was an eminent labor lawyer with a national 34 reputation. It had always been assumed that at least one of his S 35 sons would follow him to law school. Maybe not all of them, but R 36 1 5 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 158 A M Y G U T M A N 1 at least one or two. Over the years, though, all four had taken dif-2 ferent paths, so when Melanie opted for a legal career, her father 3 had been thrilled. Like her father, Melanie had gone to Prince-4 ton, then law school at UVA. In the back of her mind, she’d 5 thought someday she might join her father’s practice. Even after 6 she married Frank, the fantasy stayed alive. He’d retire long be-7 fore she did. By then, they’d have kids. Nashville was a great 8 place to raise children. She’d move down with her family. 9 If it hadn’t been for Steven Gage, might she have gone home? 10 At times, she thought it was likely. Other times, she didn’t know. 11 The only thing she could say for sure was the case had changed 12 everything. �śYou cannot represent Steven Gage.” That’s what 13 her father had said. At first his reaction had surprised her. She 14 saw now she’d been naive. It wasn’t that his values didn’t have 15 substance, just that they weren’t absolute. After all, her parents 16 and Dahlia Schuyler’s parents moved in the same social set. The 17 families lived just blocks apart in the wealthy enclave of Belle 18 Meade. While her father had never much liked the Schuylers, 19 that didn’t seem to matter. Their differences were more akin to 20 family squabbles than the battles of warring clans. 21 Melanie had argued with her father for hours, called him a 22 hypocrite. He’d taught her that everyone deserved representa-23 tion, regardless of what they’d done. But this argument hadn’t 24 swayed him. He’d thundered back at her, �śI’m not saying he 25 shouldn’t have appellate counsel. But it doesn’t have to be you!” 26 For the first time in her life, she’d openly opposed him. For a year, 27 they hadn’t spoken. He’d never forgiven her. Was he more upset 28 that she’d represented Gage or that she’d disobeyed him? All 29 these years later, she still wasn’t sure. 30 Glancing down at the phone, she saw the flashing message 31 light. She listened to the recording and found a message from 32 Paul. Listening to her fiancé’s voice, she felt not the slightest 33 emotion. He mentioned plans for next weekend, a play they had 34 tickets for. They’d barely spoken since Sunday night, that disas-35 S trous dinner at Clarence. There was something in his tone that 36 R told her he expected an apology. 1 5 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 159 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Quickly she erased the message. She didn’t call him back. In-1 stead, she found her thoughts returning to her talk with Jamison. 2 She tried to think about the implications, for herself as well as for 3 Callie. But while her rational mind told her that she could be in 4 danger, somehow she couldn’t feel it. The burst of adrenaline, the 5 beating heart �" all of that was missing. It was like she was two 6 different people, one of them observing. 7 She reminded herself that as of yet Jamison’s theory was spec-8 ulation. He didn’t know for sure that Diane had received a note. 9 But the watch �" the watch had belonged to Diane. Callie had 10 gotten a note. The three of them had all known Gage. There had 11 to be a connection. The safest thing would be to go to the police, 12 to follow the advice she’d given Callie. But at this point, she sim-13 ply couldn’t predict what consequences would follow. On the eve 14 of partnership elections, she’d be embroiled in a murder case. She 15 thought of the risk of scandal, always the kiss of death. It wasn’t 16 fair, of course. None of this was her fault. But by now she’d 17 learned her lesson: Fairness didn’t matter. 18 It would be one thing if the information she had was of great 19 significance. But, assuming that Callie stepped forward, how 20 much would it really add? Callie’s story would establish the link 21 between Diane’s murder and Steven Gage. That would be suffi-22 cient to alter the frame of reference. Besides, while she could al-23 ways step forward, she couldn’t take anything back. It made sense 24 to think this through carefully before saying anything. 25 As for personal safety, she just wasn’t worried. Maybe she was 26 in denial, but it didn’t feel that way. The thing was, her life was 27 so circumscribed, it was hard to imagine how she’d be at risk. She 28 lived in a high-security building, protected by a team of doormen. 29 Before admitting any visitor, the doorman on duty called up. At 30 work, the Harwich & Young reception desk was manned by secu-31 rity guards. Visitors had to wait downstairs for a firm-employee 32 escort. You couldn’t enter the building without showing your pass 33 card. 34 A buzzing on the intercom phone by her door. She hoisted herS 35 self off the couch. R 36 1 5 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 160 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śYou’ve got a delivery,” the doorman said. 2 �śThanks. Send him up.” 3 As she hung up the phone, her stomach growled in pleasant 4 anticipation. She stood by the door with her wallet until she 5 heard a knock. 6 She unlocked the door, opened it, then stood there in confu-7 sion. Instead of an Asian deliveryman, she was facing a bearded 8 white guy holding a long white box. His baseball cap was pulled 9 down low. She couldn’t see his face. Flowers, that’s what it looked 10 like. Maybe they were from Paul? But even as the thought oc-11 curred to her, she knew it wasn’t right. Paul wasn’t in any mood 12 to make this sort of gesture. 13 The man at the door took a step forward. �śCan I get your sig-14 nature?” 15 �śUh. Sure.” But he wasn’t holding a pen or clipboard. What 16 did he want her to sign? 17 She had a fleeting sense that something was wrong, and then 18 he was up against her. His breath smelled of garlic and coffee. He 19 seemed to radiate heat. 20 Before she could step away, he gave her a powerful shove. 21 Then she was tumbling backward, falling into space. Colors ex-22 ploded behind her eyes. She tried to catch her breath. A jolt of 23 fear. What was happening? 24 She heard the door click shut. 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 1 6 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 161 Thursday, April 27 A r i c h perfume filled the house, the smell of roasting meat 1 and spices. Callie had spent most of the day preparing for the 2 dinner party. Since the roses had arrived two days ago, they’d 3 never been far from her mind, a fierce, nagging anxiety verging 4 on obsession. It seemed surreal that her life could be proceeding 5 on this dual track: cooking a casual dinner for friends, fearing for 6 her life. 7 It was almost six o’clock now. Her guests would be here soon. 8 Tired and distracted as she’d been all day, she needed to concen-9 trate. She’d already set the dining room table with the good 10 china and silver. Put out glass bowls of olives and nuts, a plate of 11 cheese and crackers. She had vodka, rum, bourbon, and wine, 12 purchased for the occasion. 13 As she pulled a tray of mushroom puffs out of the oven, Callie 14 heard the doorbell ring. 15 �śHi, honey.” It was Martha. She entered on a wave of cold 16 night air, pink-cheeked and animated. Her hair, an electric dark 17 brown cloud, danced around her face. 18 She peeled off her gray wool cape and handed it to Callie. 19 �śWhat’s that fabulous smell?” she asked, gesturing toward the 20 kitchen. 21 �śPeasant food. Nothing fancy. Roast pork, potatoes, spinach, 22 and onions. I made a pear tart for dessert.” 23 Callie hung up Martha’s cape, then led her back to the kitchen. 24 �śWine?” Callie asked. 25 �śSure.” S 26 �śRed or white?” R 27 1 6 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 162 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śRed.” 2 On the counter were an open bottle and a cluster of large wine 3 glasses. Callie poured wine into one and handed it to Martha. 4 �śWhere’s Anna?” Martha asked, after taking a sip. 5 �śShe’s across the street with her friend Henry. His parents will 6 be here tonight. Mimi and Bernie Creighton. He’s a big-shot 7 lawyer in Boston, and she’s this yuppie mom. To be honest, I’m 8 not crazy about them, but Anna spends so much time over there, 9 I owe them an invitation. Oh, and Bernie’s bringing some guy he 10 works with. Another partner at his law firm. So if things don’t 11 work out with Tod, who knows? Maybe this guy will be an op-12 tion.” 13 The doorbell rang again. 14 Callie looked up from the mushroom puffs. �śWould you mind 15 finishing up with these? Just arrange them on this plate.” 16 She quickly wiped her hands on a towel and went to answer 17 the door. 18 When she caught sight of Rick through the peephole, Callie 19 felt a catch in her throat. He was smiling that slightly bemused 20 smile and holding a bunch of tulips. For a moment, she wished 21 with all her heart that it was just the two of them. 22 As she opened the door, Callie saw that Rick wasn’t alone. Tod 23 was standing next to him, holding a bottle of wine. 24 �śHi, sweetheart.” Rick handed her the tulips and leaned down 25 for a kiss. She briefly lingered in his arms before turning to Tod. 26 �śWelcome,” she said, extending a hand. �śI’m so glad you could 27 make it.” 28 Tod looked wholesome and a little bit shy in khakis and a 29 hunter-green jacket. He handed Callie the bottle of wine, a ten-30 tative smile on his face. 31 Another ring of the bell. The Creightons with their guest. 32 A profusion of greetings and air kisses, a potent blend of smells, 33 the sharp floral of Mimi’s perfume, Bernie’s aftershave. Bernie’s 34 colleague was dark and heavy with an inward, brooding look. 35 S �śCallie, I’d like you to meet John Casey. Like I told you, he’s 36 R one of my partners. We’re working together on a case.” 1 6 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 163 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śSo nice of you to have me.” 1 As he spoke, Callie was startled to hear the traces of a south-2 ern accent. For a moment, she stood there, staring at him, her 3 mouth suddenly dry. The memories were so close these days. 4 Anything could trigger them. A certain kind of light. A melody. 5 The sound of a southern voice. 6 Quickly she pulled herself together, managed to force a smile. 7 �śNot at all,” she said. �śThe more the merrier.” 8 A round of greetings and shedding of coats as Martha emerged 9 from the kitchen. With a sudden surge of protectiveness, Callie 10 wrapped an arm around Martha’s waist. 11 �śYou remember Rick,” she said. 12 �śOf course.” Martha smiled. 13 More introductions followed, with Tod coming last. As Callie 14 presented Martha to him, she sensed Rick’s watchful eye. It 15 wasn’t a coincidence, she thought, that Rick and Tod had come 16 together. Rick would be protective of Tod, just as she was of 17 Martha. 18 �śNice to meet you, Martha,” said Tod. 19 The two of them shook hands. 20 �śI’ve got to put these in water,” said Callie, holding up the 21 tulips. �śWhy don’t you all go into the living room? Rick can get 22 you drinks.” 23 �śNeed any help?” asked Martha. 24 �śMaybe if you could get the hors d’oeuvres �" put them on the 25 coffee table.” 26 �śI’ll help,” Tod said promptly. 27 Not bad, Callie thought. 28 In the kitchen, Tod picked up the mushroom puffs. Martha 29 took a tray with p�óté. �śPretty cute,” she whispered to Callie, as 30 she slid past her toward the doorway. 31 Callie picked out a vase of deep blue glass for the tulips that 32 Rick had brought. As she fanned out the bright orange and yel-33 low flowers, her mind flashed back to the roses. How time had 34 seemed to stop as she stared at their crimson mass. As soon as the S 35 shock had dissipated, she’d thrown them into the trash. Then, R 36 1 6 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 164 A M Y G U T M A N 1 not content to have them merely out of sight, she’d taken the 2 garbage out. 3 That night, she’d mentioned the roses to Rick, hoping that 4 she’d been wrong. But Rick didn’t know anything; he’d told her 5 to call the florist. �śThey must have made a mistake,” he said. 6 �śThey went to the wrong address.” In fact, she’d already made 7 that call, already knew the answer. The florist didn’t have a sin-8 gle order that day for a dozen long-stemmed roses. The box must 9 have been salvaged from some past delivery. 10 From the other room, Callie heard muffled talk, then a sudden 11 burst of laughter. Strange how totally alone she felt with friends 12 just steps away. Her eyes settled on a bottle of wine, now half 13 empty. The crimson liquid that it held was the same color as the 14 roses. The room seemed to dissolve behind it, throwing the bot-15 tle into sharp relief. She was suddenly hit with an astonishing 16 urge to raise it to her mouth. 17 She hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since the night of the 18 sentencing, but all these years later, she remembered everything. 19 The way the world seemed to dissolve and soften, filled with se-20 cret meaning. In AA they’d told her that alcoholism was an in-21 curable disease. She’d never argued with the diagnosis, though 22 she hadn’t exactly agreed. The way she saw it, drinking resem-23 bled some wildly destructive talent. Others less gifted genetically 24 sought refuge in work or shopping. For her, though, alcohol had 25 always offered the fast road out of herself. 26 Now, staring at the bottle, she felt almost afraid. It was the first 27 time in many years that she’d really wanted to drink. She picked 28 up the cork from the kitchen counter and jammed it into the 29 neck. Once all the guests left, she’d pour it down the drain. There 30 isn’t any problem that drinking won’t make worse. That was one 31 thing she’d heard in AA that she’d never doubted was true. 32 �śCallie?” 33 She turned around quickly, guiltily, as if she’d done something 34 wrong. Rick was standing in the doorway holding the wine Tod 35 S had brought. 36 R 1 6 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 165 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śGot a corkscrew?” He looked at her, took a few steps forward. 1 �śHey, are you okay?” 2 �śI . . . sure. I’m fine.” But she didn’t sound that way. 3 Rick put down the wine. She walked straight into his arms. 4 Closing her eyes, she relaxed against him, breathing in his soapy 5 scent. As her body shaped itself to his, she felt a creeping 6 warmth. She’d have liked to stay with this sensation, fan it, let it 7 build. The touch of bare skin. Darkness. The obliteration of sex. 8 Rick put his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her 9 back. �śYou look really tired.” 10 �śI didn’t sleep well last night.” 11 �śWe’ll make this an early evening. It’s a weeknight anyway.” 12 Callie opened a drawer and rummaged around for the cork-13 screw. �śYou go back to the party. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” 14 Rick pressed his lips to her forehead. Then, turning, he was 15 gone. 16 Alone again, Callie checked on the roast, a luscious, fragrant 17 brown. The onions and potatoes were warming in the oven; the 18 spinach would take just minutes. She decided to have a drink 19 with her guests before the final preparations. Not that she felt 20 like socializing, but after all, she was the hostess. She mixed her-21 self a seltzer with cranberry juice, then headed for the living 22 room. 23 She was pleased to find that Martha and Tod had taken ad-24 joining chairs. Tod seemed to be listening intently to whatever 25 Martha was saying. Martha looked pretty tonight. Lively, almost 26 carefree. The deep blue of her scoop-necked blouse brought out 27 the blue of her eyes. 28 Across the room, Bernie and his colleague were absorbed in 29 conversation. Callie had the distinct sense they’d just as soon not 30 have come. Mimi sat on the sofa with Rick, expensive blonde 31 hair gleaming, toying with the strap of an elegant small purse. 32 She seemed tense tonight, more so than usual, her face somehow 33 taut. Her eyes darted back and forth between Rick and her hus-34 band. S 35 R 36 1 6 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 166 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Callie walked over to Martha and perched on the arm of her 2 chair. 3 �śWhat’s up?” she asked. 4 Tod turned toward Callie. �śMartha was telling me about this 5 dance thing she does. It sounds like a lot of fun.” 6 Callie laughed. �śContra dancing. She’s been pushing me to try 7 it for years now.” 8 Tod looked back toward Martha. �śSo it’s sort of like square 9 dancing?” 10 Martha made a haphazard gesture pushing back her hair. Her 11 hand disappeared in the dark brown mass floating around her 12 head. �śSome of the steps are the same, but it’s done in long lines.” 13 �śDo you have to take lessons?” Tod asked. 14 �śAbsolutely not,” said Martha. �śIt’s informal. Really friendly. 15 Sometimes they give a lesson before the dance, but basically you 16 learn as you go.” 17 �śSo where do you do it?” 18 �śIt’s every weekend in Greenfield. People come from miles 19 around, even out of state.” 20 Tod grinned. �śYou know, I haven’t danced for years, but I’d like 21 to try it sometime.” He looked at Callie. �śMaybe the four of us 22 could go. You and Rick and Martha and me.” 23 Callie struggled to hide her delight. �śSure,” she said. �śWhy not?” 24 Relieved that things were going well with Martha, Callie got 25 up to circulate. She approached Bernie and his law partner �" 26 John Casey, that was his name. �śYou both doing okay?” she asked. 27 �śWe’re fine.” Casey gave her a fleeting smile. Swirling his am-28 ber drink, he asked, �śSo where you from, Callie?” 29 �śYou mean, where did I grow up?” 30 �śYour accent.” The drawl was stronger now. �śI guess we’re both 31 from the South.” 32 Callie looked at him, unnerved. �śI didn’t know I had an ac-33 cent. I . . . I lived in the South for a few years, but that’s not 34 where I grew up.” 35 S �śWhereabouts?” Casey asked. �śNo, wait. Don’t tell me, lemme 36 R guess. Alabama? Or maybe Tennessee?” 1 6 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 167 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Callie felt the blood rush to her face as she stared down at 1 Casey. For a moment, she couldn’t seem to move, but she had to 2 get away. She looked at her watch, put her hand to her mouth, 3 then looked up, as if distracted. �śI had no idea it was so late. I’ve 4 got to get on with dinner.” 5 6 By the time the dinner guests filed out, it was almost ten o’clock. 7 Anna, who’d been across the street with Henry, had come home an 8 hour ago. As Callie closed and locked the door, fatigue settled over 9 her. She let the muscles of her face relax, the fixed smile fall away. 10 Silently, Rick reached for her, gathered her in his arms. She rested 11 there a few long moments, then stepped back to look at him. 12 �śSo how d’you think it went?” she asked. 13 �śEverything was perfect.” 14 �śIt was a little disjointed, I thought. Bernie and that guy he 15 brought sort of kept to themselves.” 16 Rick smiled. �śAs did Tod and Martha.” 17 Callie mustered a smile in response, though even that took 18 some effort. Behind her forehead, beneath her skull, she felt a 19 sort of pulsing. Not a headache exactly, but something that might 20 become one. �śI was wondering if you’d noticed. Surprised?” 21 Rick shrugged. �śI still don’t think it will go anywhere.” 22 �śHe wants us all to go contra dancing.” 23 Now he was surprised. 24 �śDancing? Tod?” Rick started to laugh. 25 �śNo, really. That’s what he said.” 26 Rick shook his head. �śI’ll believe it when I see it. Hey, want 27 some help cleaning up?” 28 The living room was littered with crumpled napkins and the 29 pale ends of melting drinks. They piled up the sticky glasses and 30 plates and carried them to the kitchen. As she dumped dregs of 31 wine down the drain, Callie caught an astringent whiff. Quickly, 32 she squeezed out a glob of detergent and rinsed off the glass. 33 They cleared the dining room table, then loaded the dish-34 washer, Rick rinsing the glasses and plates while Callie arranged S 35 them inside. Something seemed to be bothering her, tugging at R 36 1 6 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 168 A M Y G U T M A N 1 her mind. She realized it was Bernie’s colleague, John Casey, that 2 offhand comment he’d made. 3 �śDo you think I have an accent?” Callie asked. 4 �śWhat?” Rick handed her a plate. 5 Callie put it in the dishwasher. �śA southern accent. Do you 6 think I have one? Is it something you’ve ever noticed?” 7 Rick shook his head. �śNo. I don’t think so. At least not that I 8 remember.” 9 �śNot that you remember? What does that mean?” 10 �śMaybe when I met you, I might have noticed that you didn’t 11 sound like you’re from around here. But I don’t know if that was 12 your voice or just . . . how you are.” 13 �śOh.” It wasn’t a very satisfying answer, but she didn’t know 14 what else to say. 15 �śCal, why are you so upset? I mean, who cares? So he guessed 16 that you lived in Tennessee. Why’s that a big deal?” 17 �śI’m not upset,” Callie said. �śI just don’t see how he knew.” 18 �śWell, he’s from down there himself. Maybe he’s more sensi-19 tive to it.” 20 �śYeah. I guess. Maybe.” Callie slammed the dishwasher shut 21 and started the wash cycle. As much as she’d wanted to be alone 22 with Rick, she now wanted him to leave. 23 The telephone rang. 24 Welcoming the interruption, Callie crossed the room. 25 �śMay I speak to Callie Thayer?” The voice was male and unfa-26 miliar. 27 �śSpeaking.” 28 �śThis is Mike Jamison calling.” 29 Mike Jamison. It took just a second or two for Callie to make 30 the connection. The former FBI profiler whom Melanie had 31 planned to call. Anger rushed up in Callie, a sort of emotional 32 flash flood. Was it really too much to ask for Melanie to have 33 warned her? 34 Conscious of Rick’s eyes on her, Callie tried to keep her voice 35 S even. �śI’m afraid this isn’t a good time. Could I call you back to-36 R morrow?” 1 6 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 169 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śI’m afraid not, Ms. Thayer. I’m calling to tell you that 1 Melanie White was attacked in her apartment last night. She’s in 2 the hospital now.” 3 The breath rushed out of her body, and for a moment she 4 couldn’t think. In her mind’s eye, she saw Melanie’s face, the 5 clear ice-blue eyes. �śBut I just saw her,” Callie whispered. 6 �śOn Sunday,” he said. 7 �śYes. That’s right.” 8 �śYou’re a . . . a friend of hers?” 9 There was just a shadow of a pause. 10 �śThat’s right,” Callie said again. 11 Rick was at her side, touching her arm, concerned. She knew 12 that he could tell from her voice that the call had brought bad 13 news. With effort, she collected her thoughts, tried to decide 14 what to do. 15 �śI need a few minutes,” she finally said. �śI’ll call you right back, 16 okay?” 17 She scribbled down a number. When she hung up the phone, 18 she turned to Rick. �śI have to be alone now.” 19 He looked at her intently. �śWho was that on the phone?” 20 Callie stared at the ground. The churning noise of the dish-21 washer seemed to fill the room. Somewhere in the distance, she 22 heard Rick let out a sigh. 23 �śCallie, what’s going on? For weeks now you’ve been . . . I 24 don’t know. Something strange has been happening.” 25 �śYou’re right,” she said, still looking down. �śBut I . . . it’s com-26 plicated.” 27 �śIs it something about me?” he asked. �śSomething about us, I 28 mean?” 29 Callie gave a short, quick laugh, then pressed a hand to her 30 face. Her skin felt dry and very hot, as if she had a fever. �śOh, 31 God,” she said. �śNo. No, it’s nothing like that.” 32 He took a step closer, then hesitated, as if afraid to approach 33 her. �śSo what is it then? What aren’t you telling me?” 34 It was like she was trapped inside a bubble, and he was on the S 35 outside. She could hear what he was saying, but he didn’t have R 36 1 6 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 170 A M Y G U T M A N 1 the power to touch her. In her hand, she clutched the piece of pa-2 per with Jamison’s phone number. 3 �śI’m sorry, but you have to go now.” 4 Rick stared at her another few moments, then silently turned 5 away. 6 She heard him get his coat from the closet, the rustle as he 7 pulled it on. Without saying another word, he shut the door be-8 hind him. 9 His footsteps echoed on the pavement. 10 She heard his car door slam. 11 A roar of the engine, a squeal of tires, as he pulled away from 12 the curb. He must be very angry, she thought. But right now that 13 didn’t matter. 14 Back in the kitchen, she picked up the phone, paused, then 15 put it down. She needed to clear her mind a bit before calling 16 Jamison back. It could just be a coincidence. The thought brought 17 a ray of hope. Maybe the attack was a random thing. Or maybe it 18 was personal. A violent boyfriend. An angry client. Nothing to 19 do with Steven. 20 What did Jamison know? That was another question. What 21 did he know about the watch and note? Did he know who she 22 really was? 23 The watch. The note. 24 Callie froze. She’d left them with Melanie. She wondered 25 where they were right now. Had Melanie’s attacker found them? 26 She punched in Jamison’s number. He answered on the first 27 ring. 28 Their greetings were brief, perfunctory, then Jamison ran 29 through the facts. How Melanie’s attacker had come disguised as 30 a florist’s deliveryman. How the law firm had sent someone look-31 ing for her when she didn’t show up at work. 32 �śIt happened around one this morning, but they didn’t find her 33 until nine or so. She didn’t show up at an early meeting. They 34 couldn’t reach her on the phone. So the law firm sent a paralegal 35 S over to look for her. In one way she was lucky. Right after the at-36 R tacker went up, she got a delivery of Chinese food. When the de-1 7 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 171 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y livery guy knocked on the door, he must have scared the attacker. 1 It looks like the attacker fled when the Chinese food guy went 2 back downstairs.” 3 �śHow is she?” Callie asked. �śWhat did he do to her?” 4 �śShe was hit with some sort of blunt object, a glancing blow to 5 the side of the head. When they found her, she was unconscious, 6 and they rushed her into surgery. She had what they call a sub-7 dural hematoma �" that’s a bleeding in the brain. The bleed was 8 pushing against the brain, compressing the brain tissue.” 9 �śSurgery,” Callie said faintly. �śIs she . . . will she be okay?” 10 �śAt this point, we don’t know. She’s still in intensive care. She 11 was conscious for a few hours after the operation. That’s when 12 she told me to call you. Then, well, she had a relapse. She’s in a 13 coma now.” 14 �śMy God,” said Callie. �śI’m so, so sorry.” She realized that she 15 was crying. A tear rolled silently down one cheek. She wiped it 16 away with a hand. 17 �śThe flowers that the guy who attacked her brought, do you 18 know what kind they were?” 19 �śI don’t know,” said Jamison. �śAny special reason you’re ask-20 ing?” 21 �śNo, I just . . . I don’t know.” Callie realized that she was shak-22 ing. Thoughts whirled through her mind. �śWhat did Melanie tell 23 you about me? Why did she ask you to call me?” 24 �śShe kept repeating several names. Yours was one of them. 25 Your number was in her book. The rest I figured out myself.” 26 �śThe rest?” 27 �śShe told me about the watch and letter, that a woman she 28 knew had received them. She didn’t give me a name. But you’re 29 that woman, right?” 30 Callie swallowed hard. �śWhere are they?” she asked. �śDid he 31 find them? That watch and the letter, I mean.” 32 �śLuckily, no. They’re in the hands of authorities now. The 33 Maine state police will want to talk to you about them. And 34 about the Massey case.” S 35 �śThe watch �"” R 36 1 7 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 172 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śIt belonged to Diane. We’ve already checked that out. 2 Melanie was going to tell you. Apparently, she didn’t have a 3 chance.” 4 Too late Callie thought that she shouldn’t have been so open, 5 shouldn’t have been so quick to admit her connection to the let-6 ter and watch. Until then, Jamison was going on suspicion. Now 7 he knew for sure. At the same time, she had a helpless feeling. 8 What did it really matter? Even if she’d kept her mouth shut, it 9 was only a matter of time. 10 �śBoth Diane and Melanie had ties to Steven Gage. Is that also 11 true for you?” 12 She could tell that he was feeling his way, like a blind man in 13 a strange room. His instincts were good. He was sensitive. But he 14 didn’t have the facts. 15 �śI don’t mean to be rude,” said Callie. �śBut I’m not going to 16 answer that.” 17 �śFair enough,” he said. �śYou don’t have to tell me. But you do 18 need to tell the police, Ms. Thayer. There’s a killer out there.” 19 �śBut how do you know that I can help? How do you know it’s 20 connected?” 21 A pause. 22 �śI don’t know,” Jamison said finally. �śBut I intend to find out. 23 And I hope you’ll do whatever you can to help with this investi-24 gation.” 25 �śI . . . of course, I will. But I’m not sure �"” 26 Before she could discover what she’d meant to say, Jamison 27 cut in. 28 �śMelanie told me that you have a child, that you’re worried 29 about privacy. I have children too. I understand your concerns. 30 But even if you’re willing to risk your own life, other people are 31 involved. If you’d gone to the police in the first place, this thing 32 might not have happened.” 33 �śWe can’t know that,” Callie said. But the words had hit their 34 target. She’d put Melanie in harm’s way, and then she’d tied her 35 S hands. She was the one responsible. Just like before. 36 R Just like before. 1 7 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 173 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Remorse washed over her. 1 �śI’ll talk to the police,” said Callie. �śI’ll do whatever I can. Will 2 they . . . do you think they can keep it confidential, the fact that 3 I’m involved?” 4 �śI’m sure they’ll do whatever they can to work with you on 5 that.” 6 �śDo you have a phone number?” 7 �śIn Maine, you need to talk with Jack Pulaski. He’s with the 8 state police.” Callie took down the name and number as Jamison 9 read them off. 10 �śThe police in New York and Maine �" are they working to-11 gether on this?” 12 �śNot yet,” Jamison said. �śIt takes a while for multijurisdic-13 tional investigations to get up and running. The links have to be 14 established, and this thing with Melanie just happened. But 15 soon, I hope, they’ll be collaborating. You can help with that. 16 You provide a link between Diane and Melanie.” 17 Upstairs, Callie heard the toilet flush. Anna was awake. 18 �śI’ll call first thing tomorrow,” she promised. 19 �śGood,” Jamison said. �śIn the meantime, I hope you won’t 20 mind if I pass on your name and number.” She heard the words as 21 a warning. If she didn’t step forward herself, they’d come after her. 22 Anna appeared in the doorway, her face crumpled and pink, 23 mouth turned down at the edges in an expression of accusation. 24 �śYou woke me up,” she said. 25 Callie raised a hand to signal she’d be just a moment. �śI guess 26 that’s it,” she said. 27 �śFor now. And Ms. Thayer �" please be careful.” 28 After she’d hung up the phone, Callie pulled Anna into her 29 arms, rubbed her nose against the silky hair. �śSorry, sweetie,” she 30 said. 31 �śWhat’s wrong? Is something wrong?” Anna was waking up 32 now. 33 Callie forced a smile. �śNot a thing. Let’s get you back to bed.” 34 She walked Anna upstairs, then tucked her under her blan-S 35 kets. Anna sighed contentedly, then rolled over on her side. In R 36 1 7 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 174 A M Y G U T M A N 1 the shadowed dimness of her daughter’s room, time seemed so 2 precious. She’d always planned to tell Anna the truth at that dis-3 tant point called someday, but the luxury of this delay was one 4 she no longer had. Tonight �" right now �" her secret was safe, 5 but tomorrow that might change. Gazing at the face of her sleep-6 ing daughter, she wondered what to say. 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 1 7 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 175 Friday, April 28 Sh a d o w s. Shapes. Voices. 1 Her eyelids were so heavy. She had to get to work. A meeting on the 2 Leverett case. But something was holding her down, keeping her from 3 moving. Who was in the room with her? Where was she, anyway? 4 Another voice. A man’s: �śHow’s she doing? Is she waking up?” 5 A mumbled response in the background that she couldn’t quite make 6 out. 7 Lying there, she realized they must be talking about her. �śI’m fine! 8 I hear you!” she wanted to say. �śJust help me to get up.” 9 Then, confused, she knew that she couldn’t be fine, after all. If she 10 was fine, she wouldn’t need their help. If she was fine, she’d just sit up. 11 What had happened? What was wrong? She strained for the memo-12 ries. 13 She was eating dinner with Paul. He was mad at her. 14 Alone in her Harwich & Young office, she stared at her computer. 15 The images flickered through her mind, like frames in some home 16 movie. But nothing she saw could explain to her what was going on. 17 She sensed a darkening overhead, someone leaning forward. Panic. 18 A jolt of fear. Steven Gage had found her. Somewhere, deep inside, 19 she’d known it would happen. It didn’t matter that she’d tried to help 20 him, that she’d tried to save his life. She’d always sensed that when he 21 looked at her, he wanted to see her dead. She’d tried to tell herself it 22 wasn’t so, but, always, she’d known the truth. Steven was a predator. 23 That was just his nature. 24 Then the fear seemed to break, give way to a certain acceptance. 25 She was floating on a bank of clouds, could see things in perspective. S 26 Maybe she deserved what was happening. Maybe it made sense. She’d R 27 1 7 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 176 A M Y G U T M A N 1 always been one of the lucky ones, but luck could always change. Why 2 should she be alive to protect him, while so many women were dead? 3 Slowly, the shadow receded. Whoever had been there was gone. 4 And it couldn’t have been Steven, anyway. Steven Gage was dead. 5 Steven Gage was dead. So what was she afraid of? 6 At that moment, it all came back to her: Happy Anniversary. 7 h 8 9 Mike Jamison gazed at the thin form beneath the starched white 10 hospital sheet. He still wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing here. 11 He’d learned of the attack yesterday when he’d called Melanie’s 12 office. She wasn’t there, and when he inquired, her secretary told 13 him why. Even before he hung up the phone, he’d started making 14 plans. He had his assistant reschedule meetings and rushed home 15 to pack. Three hours later he was on a plane, heading for New 16 York. 17 Now he studied Melanie, the bruised motionless face. She’d 18 been in a coma since last night, a postsurgery relapse. As he sat 19 by her side, there’d been a constant stream of doctors, nurses, 20 technicians, but their faces faded to a blur as he focused on 21 Melanie. The white gauze wrapped around her head resembled a 22 snowy turban. An intravenous tube ran from her arm through a 23 metal pole. Wires attached to her chest connected to the EKG 24 monitor, while some sort of strange metallic device measured her 25 brain pressure. The high-tech equipment should have reassured 26 him, but it just made him more anxious. 27 A nurse came into the room and adjusted Melanie’s bed. She 28 had rosy cheeks, curly hair, and a calm, efficient manner. She ex-29 amined Melanie’s eyes with a flashlight, pushing back the lids. 30 Then she checked the fluid level in the intravenous feeding bag. 31 �śDo you see any changes?” Jamison asked. He couldn’t help him-32 self. �śDon’t worry,” she said soothingly. �śThere’s still plenty of 33 time.” But the edge of pity in her voice gave him a hopeless 34 feeling. 35 S When the nurse left, he pulled his chair closer. Visitors in in-36 R tensive care were normally limited to family, but with the help of 1 7 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 177 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y a pal in the NYPD he’d managed to talk his way in. Which still 1 begged the question: What was he doing here? He had an 2 arrangement with Leeds Associates to consult on outside cases. It 3 was one of the terms he’d negotiated when he’d joined the pri-4 vate firm. Until now, he’d scheduled these consultations around 5 his paying clients. This time, though, he’d dropped everything, 6 without a second thought. 7 As an FBI profiler, he’d spent more than a decade studying so-8 ciopaths, delving into the darkest parts of their deeply troubled 9 minds. He’d met Melanie shortly before Gage’s execution, still 10 immersed in the death-row interviews that became his best-11 known work. They’d known each other so briefly, and yet he’d re-12 membered her. They came from totally different worlds, but he’d 13 sensed a kindred spirit. 14 If they’d met in other circumstances, would the feelings have 15 been the same? Impossible to answer that. The facts were what 16 they were. He thought about their first meeting back in Ten-17 nessee, both of them running on adrenaline and coffee as the 18 hours ticked down. They’d shared the same obsession, and that 19 had created a bond. Melanie hadn’t said a lot �" as Gage’s attor-20 ney, she couldn’t �" but he could tell that she was drinking in 21 every word he said. And it certainly hadn’t hurt that she was so 22 damn pretty. Tall and blonde with that deep blue gaze, at once 23 skeptical and earnest. 24 Of course, he hadn’t said any of this. He couldn’t at the time. 25 He was with the FBI. She was one of Gage’s lawyers. Besides, 26 even more to the point, both of them were married. The night af-27 ter Gage’s execution, he’d sat up with her all night. Later, he 28 wondered what might have happened if both of them had been 29 free. After his divorce, he’d briefly thought about getting in 30 touch with her. But he’d assumed she was still married. And what 31 would have been the point? 32 He glanced at his watch. Fifteen more minutes. He wondered 33 where the hell her family was, hoped someone would be here 34 soon. S 35 He leaned forward a little more, bracing his hands on his knees. R 36 1 7 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 178 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śMelanie. Can you hear me?” 2 No response. Nothing. 3 That brief window of consciousness seemed like a mirage. Just 4 yesterday she’d talked to him, begged him to call Callie Thayer. 5 She’d been groggy, her voice weak, but she’d gotten her point 6 across. 7 The NYPD had released Melanie’s apartment late yesterday af-8 ternoon. Under cover of getting her some personal items, Jami-9 son had slipped in. Even though he’d known what to expect, the 10 sight had been a shock. All that white upholstery. All that dried 11 red blood. On an arm of the couch was a trail of handprints, as if 12 she’d tried to stand up. The image had seared itself into his mind. 13 He wished he hadn’t seen it. 14 The slope-bellied super watched him closely as he opened 15 closets and drawers. Picked out a nightgown, some bedroom slip-16 pers, a pink quilted robe. He’d had no idea where to look, but 17 he’d acted like he did. Relieved, he’d found the watch and note 18 still safe in a dresser drawer. 19 A slight ripple, a movement, beneath the crisp sheet. At first 20 he thought he’d imagined it, and then he heard a sound. 21 �śNoooooo . . .” The word was uttered softly, a barely audible 22 moan. 23 In an instant, Jamison was on his feet, rushing to the hall. 24 �śShe said something,” he called to a nurse. �śI think she’s wak-25 ing up.” 26 Back at Melanie’s bedside, Jamison held her hand. The nurse 27 walked briskly into the room with the neurosurgery resident. The 28 young doctor, dark-eyed and intense, stood across from Jamison. 29 �śMs. White, can you hear me?” he asked. �śCan you open your 30 eyes?” 31 Jamison’s eyes were on Melanie’s lips, waiting for her to speak. 32 For several minutes, nothing happened, then it came again. 33 �śNo-no-no!” she mumbled. Her voice was louder now. She 34 seemed almost agitated, as if she were afraid. 35 S �śIt’s okay,” Jamison told her. �śYou’re safe here. No one will hurt 36 R you. The person who hurt you is gone now. Everything’s okay.” 1 7 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 179 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śNooooooooo,” Melanie said. Her eyes fluttered open. For an 1 instant, she seemed to look straight at him, then her eyelids shut-2 tered down. But after a moment, her lips trembled. 3 �śNot,” she said. 4 Not what? Jamison wondered. And then his body tensed. She 5 hadn’t been saying no at all; she’d been saying something else. 6 Something that confirmed what at some level he’d suspected all 7 along. 8 He leaned so close to Melanie’s face that his cheek brushed her 9 hair. 10 �śNote. Is that what you’re saying? Did you get a note like Cal-11 lie’s?” 12 For a moment, nothing happened. 13 Then she squeezed his hand. 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 1 7 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 180 Monday, May 1 C 1 a l l i e sheered off I-91 onto Route 2A, heading east toward 2 Boston. In something under three hours she was crossing into 3 Maine. She passed through the shipbuilding town of Bath, through 4 picturesque Wiscasset. Shortly after noon, she stopped for lunch, 5 at a place called Moody’s Diner. 6 Inside, she sat in a green vinyl booth and waited for a menu. 7 Even months before tourist season, the room was bustling. Single 8 diners, mainly men, ate at the yellow counter. At a neighboring 9 booth two gray-haired women worked on pieces of pie. �śChow-10 dah?” Callie heard a waitress ask a couple seated nearby. She’d 11 forgotten how Mainers dropped their r’s, how distinctive the ac-12 cent was. 13 Her lobster roll came toasted, with sides of coleslaw and shoe-14 string fries. She ate quickly, eager to get back on the road. When 15 she’d placed the call to the Maine state police, she’d been afraid 16 they’d want to come to Merritt. She’d been relieved to find that 17 they were more than willing to let her come to them. Merritt was 18 such a small town. People noticed things. As it was, she’d still 19 had to explain this unexpected trip. She’d told Rick she needed 20 a night alone, time to rest and think. She and Martha had just 21 finished up the Fifth Reunion report, so under the circumstances 22 the story almost made sense. With profuse thanks to Mimi, she’d 23 packed Anna off to the Creightons’. 24 She almost missed the state police barracks. It looked like a 25 small white house. She pulled into a circular driveway and parked 26 S right in front. After giving her name to a receptionist, she took a 27 R 1 8 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 181 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y seat on a turquoise couch. But before she had time to settle in, a 1 man was coming toward her. 2 �śJack Pulaski.” He held out a hand. His grip was firm and 3 warm. He was of middling height, with a low-key demeanor, 4 dressed in a light gray suit. Brown hair, brown eyes, a pleasant 5 face, nothing the least bit striking. But for some reason, as she 6 looked at him, Callie felt somehow safer. 7 Pulaski’s office was small and neat, looking out on a patch of 8 grass. He had the requisite office fittings �" file cabinet, guest 9 chairs, desk. There were two picture frames on his desk, though 10 Callie couldn’t see the pictures. A wife, she assumed. A couple of 11 kids. That’s what she’d expect. On the edge of the desk sat a brass 12 nameplate: Jackson D. Pulaski, Detective. 13 He asked if she wanted something to drink. 14 �śWater would be great.” 15 When he came back, glass in hand, another man was with him. 16 �śThis is Stu Farkess,” Pulaski said. �śHe’ll be here with us to-17 day.” Farkess was taller than Pulaski, thin, with red hair and a 18 spray of freckles. 19 For a time, the three of them made small talk. The weather �" 20 warm for this time of year; her drive �" the directions were per-21 fect. Callie knew that they were trying to put her at ease, and, to 22 an extent, it worked. She felt the muscles in her back unclench, 23 her grip loosen on her chair. By the time they touched on the rea-24 son for her visit, Callie’s hands lay in her lap. 25 �śNow, Callie,” Pulaski said �" they’d quickly moved on to first 26 names �" �śwhen we talked on the phone, you expressed concern 27 about keeping this confidential. We want to respect your wishes 28 on that. Like I said before, we’ll do everything we can. Now, if 29 this comes to trial, well at that point, you might have to testify. 30 We can’t do anything about that. But as for the investigation it-31 self, there’s no reason that what you tell us today can’t stay be-32 tween us and other investigators working on the case.” 33 �śAnd the media?” Callie asked. �śWhat about reporters?” 34 �śYou don’t need to worry about that. We tell them very lit-S 35 R 36 1 8 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 182 A M Y G U T M A N 1 tle in any ongoing investigation. They won’t even know about 2 you.” 3 �śThank you.” He seemed so earnest, so genuine, Callie liked 4 him more and more. A part of her knew that it was tactical, that 5 she was just succumbing to technique. But another part of her 6 didn’t care. She liked him all the same. 7 �śSo why don’t we start with the watch you found,” Pulaski 8 said. �śIf you can tell us how you came to have it.” 9 She’d already rehearsed this part in her mind, and now she 10 went over it. How she’d hidden the Easter basket in the drain-11 pipe, filled it with chocolate eggs. How, by the next morning, 12 when Anna found it, the contents had been replaced. 13 As the two men listened to her, Callie felt the strength of their 14 attention. Their expressions stayed calm and easy, but she sensed 15 they were missing nothing. 16 �śNow, this Easter egg hunt,” Pulaski said. �śIt’s for the whole 17 neighborhood?” 18 �śThat’s right,” Callie said. 19 �śSo the kids look for eggs and baskets all over the place, not 20 just in their own yards.” 21 �śYes.” 22 �śSo that particular basket, there was no way of ensuring that 23 your daughter would be the one to find it?” 24 �śI guess not,” Callie said reluctantly. Unless, unless . . . A 25 thought surfaced, then disappeared before she could quite grasp it. 26 �śStill, you have some reason to think that the basket was 27 meant for your daughter. You think that the person who hid the 28 watch intended for her to find it.” 29 �śYes.” 30 �śCould you tell us why you think that?” 31 She felt it rushing toward her, the moment of no return. For 32 the first time in almost ten years she would tell her secret to 33 someone new. The fear that she’d anticipated was strangely ab-34 sent, though. Instead, she had a feeling of almost reckless exhila-35 S ration. 36 R 1 8 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 183 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Callie took a deep breath. 1 �śI’m sure you both know about Steven Gage.” 2 �śSure,” said Pulaski. �śThe serial killer. Diane Massey wrote a 3 book about him.” 4 Callie nodded. �śI . . . I was one of the main sources for that 5 book. For several years, I was Steven Gage’s girlfriend. During 6 that time, I was known as Laura Seton.” 7 The room was absolutely silent. The air seemed electric. 8 �śThere’s more too,” Callie said. �śOn the fifth of April �" about 9 ten days before my daughter found the watch �" I received a 10 note. No postmark. It was stuck in my front door. A single sheet 11 of white paper, typed, not signed. It said �ŚHappy Anniversary. I 12 haven’t forgotten you.’ ” 13 The detectives traded glances, a quick shift of the eyes. 14 �śWhat?” Callie said. 15 �śWe have the note,” Farkess said. �śJamison sent up a copy along 16 with Diane’s watch. He thought we might want to look at it.” 17 A sudden spark of insight. �śDiane. Did she get a note too?” 18 Neither of the detectives answered. Instantly, Callie knew she 19 was right. 20 �śI’m afraid we can’t discuss that,” Pulaski finally said. �śLike 21 what you’re telling us today. The details of the investigation have 22 to be kept confidential.” 23 �śI see,” Callie said. It didn’t exactly seem fair, but she didn’t 24 have much leverage. �śMelanie White �" the woman who was at-25 tacked in New York �" she was one of Steven’s lawyers. She 26 helped represent him on appeal. Right until the very end.” 27 Again, the two detectives nodded, but they didn’t seem sur-28 prised. 29 �śSo that makes three of us,” Callie said. Now she was thinking 30 out loud. �śThree women, all of us connected to Steven. Someone 31 killed Diane. Someone tried to kill Melanie.” 32 Pulaski squarely met her eyes. �śI suppose I don’t have to tell 33 you that you need to take precautions.” 34 Callie bit her lip and nodded. S 35 R 36 1 8 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 184 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śLet’s think about motive,” said Pulaski. �śDo you have any idea 2 why someone might be doing this? Any idea at all of who might 3 be responsible?” 4 �śWell, I guess it’s pretty clear that what’s happening is some-5 how linked to Steven. All three of us are women. All three of us 6 knew him. The other thing that we have in common is that all of 7 us betrayed him. At least, that’s how he would have seen it. 8 That’s how he did see it. I testified against him at trial, star wit-9 ness for the prosecution. And Melanie, while she tried to help 10 him, she didn’t manage to save him. Diane’s book, well, you must 11 have read it. Steven comes off badly. He wanted to be seen as this 12 brilliant guy. Diane didn’t buy it. She was the first �" the only �" 13 writer to question his intelligence. She dug up Steven’s grades 14 and test scores, showed how they were only average. I’m sure that 15 infuriated him. He despised mediocrity.” 16 Pulaski thought a moment, stroking his chin with a hand. On 17 the fourth finger of his left hand, Callie saw a thick gold ring. �śSo 18 you think it’s about revenge?” 19 �śYes,” Callie said. �śI do.” 20 �śAny idea who would have done these things?” 21 �śWell . . . I keep thinking of Lester Crain. You know who he is?” 22 Pulaski and Farkess nodded. Again, Callie saw that her specu-23 lations weren’t any surprise. Melanie must have told Jamison, 24 who’d passed them on to these guys. 25 �śAny other thoughts?” Pulaski asked. �śAside from Crain, I 26 mean?” 27 Callie studied Pulaski. �śYou don’t think it’s him,” she said. 28 �śWithout getting too far into the details, I’d say it’s pretty un-29 likely. Sexual psychopaths follow certain patterns. Ms. Massey’s 30 murder, the attack on Ms. White �" they don’t conform to 31 Crain’s.” 32 As Pulaski spoke, it hit Callie that this wasn’t what she’d 33 wanted to hear. At least with Crain she’d had something con-34 crete, an anchor for her fear. Now, set free of its object, the fear 35 S was everywhere. If not Crain, then who? 36 R �śThere’s Steven’s family,” she said slowly. �śThey stuck with 1 8 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 185 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y him ’til the end. He had two brothers, both younger. Drake and 1 Lou were their names. Last I knew, both of them were still living 2 in Nashville. Drake was in construction. Lou did something with 3 computers.” 4 �śTheir last name was Gage as well?” That was Farkess talking. 5 For a time, he’d been a silent presence, quietly jotting notes. 6 �śThey’re half brothers,” Callie said. �śTheir last name was Holl-7 worthy. Steven’s father left when he was small, then his mother 8 remarried.” 9 �śAnyone else?” Pulaski asked. 10 �śWell, there’s his mother, Brenda. She was high-strung. Unsta-11 ble. Totally relied on her husband and sons, could hardly func-12 tion on her own. When Steven was a kid she tried to kill herself. 13 I don’t think he ever forgave her. He found her in the bathroom, 14 barely breathing, blood everywhere. I can’t imagine her planning 15 this, though, let alone doing it. Although . . . I guess people do 16 change. And he was her son, after all.” 17 �śShe also lived in Nashville?” 18 �śLast I knew. But that was years ago.” Callie gave a humorless 19 laugh. �śI certainly haven’t kept in touch.” 20 A rustling sound as Farkess turned a page in his small spiral 21 notebook. 22 Callie realized her mouth was dry. She sipped from her glass of 23 water. 24 �śWho else?” Pulaski asked. �śAny other names come to mind?” 25 �śI don’t know. I guess all the groupies �" there were a lot of 26 them. They wrote him letters, came to the trial. I don’t know 27 where you’d get the names. Maybe someone saved the mail. It 28 was bizarre, you know? During the trial, these women threw 29 themselves at him. They proposed to him, sent him presents. 30 One woman, I don’t remember her name, knitted him a sweater. 31 I always wondered if they thought he wasn’t guilty, or if they just 32 didn’t care.” 33 �śWhat about friends?” Pulaski asked. 34 Callie gave a crooked smile. �śSteven didn’t really have friends. S 35 Except for me, that is. He said that he was too busy. Which, in R 36 1 8 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 186 A M Y G U T M A N 1 light of everything that came out later, I guess was probably true. 2 It’s funny, I always thought it was strange that he wasn’t more 3 successful at work. I mean, here was this smart, intense guy who 4 couldn’t seem to get things done. He had this paralegal job, and 5 he always seemed to be behind. I told him he had to stop being 6 such a perfectionist. I figured that was the problem. But that 7 wasn’t it at all. The whole time he had another job that to him 8 was far more important. It must have taken incredible focus to 9 murder all those women. To kill them and get away with it for all 10 the years that he did.” 11 12 By four-thirty, Callie was on the road again, heading back toward 13 Merritt. She felt utterly depleted, hardly able to drive. Briefly, she 14 considered finding a motel and going right to sleep. But she still 15 had a couple of hours of daylight. She flipped on cruise control. 16 She’d been driving for half an hour or so before she realized 17 that the streets seemed unfamiliar. She saw a shopping center. A 18 hospital. Had she passed by these before? It was possible, of 19 course. She’d been preoccupied. But it was equally likely that 20 she’d made a wrong turn back when she’d left the barracks. She 21 caught the names of cities on signs, but they didn’t mean any-22 thing. Augusta. Bangor. Lewiston. She didn’t know their loca-23 tions. As she looked for a spot to turn off the road, her skin began 24 to prickle. BLUE PEEK ISLAND / CARTWRIGHT ISLAND 25 FERRY. The arrow pointed straight ahead. 26 Callie’s heart was pounding. Her foot moved to the brake. Un-27 til now Blue Peek Island had seemed unreal, a fantasy more than 28 a place. But now, here she was �" practically, almost, there. At 29 first, the sign’s appearance struck her as amazing. One of those 30 impossible accidents that almost have to mean something. But a 31 moment later, she realized that it wasn’t so strange after all. It 32 made sense that the investigators would be somewhere near the 33 island. 34 She was driving close to the water now, through a vaguely in-35 S dustrial landscape. She saw a smokestack in the distance, corru-36 R gated metal buildings. The sky was gray and sultry, with seagulls 1 8 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 187 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y swooping down. Then, on the right-hand side of the road, she 1 saw the ferry landing. A low white building steps from the harbor, 2 the huge docking structure. 3 She didn’t feel as if she had a choice. She turned into the park-4 ing lot. 5 Down here, close to the water, the air whipped against her 6 face. She heard boat riggings snap in the breeze, a mournful dis-7 tant clanging, the raucous cry of seagulls circling overhead. The 8 water spread out in front of her, green-black rather than blue. On 9 the building, a streaming electronic display announced arrivals 10 and departures. 11 CARTWRIGHT ISLAND 8:15 . . . 11:15 AM . . . 2:15 . . . 12 5:15 PM 13 BLUE PEEK ISLAND 8 . . . 10 AM . . . 2 . . . 4 PM 14 Callie looked at her watch: 4:20 p.m. Even if she’d wanted to 15 go, she’d missed the last boat out. Not that she would have made 16 the trip, she hastily told herself. She’d done what she came to 17 Maine to do. Now she had to get home. 18 She stood there another few aimless moments, then walked 19 back to the car, climbed in, and pulled out her road atlas to figure 20 out where she was. It took just a couple of minutes to see that she 21 needed to turn around. She flipped the key in the ignition and 22 drove back toward the road. Before pulling out into traffic, she 23 looked from side to side. It was then that she saw the Old Gran-24 ite Inn, just across the street. At first she thought it was a large 25 stone house; then she saw the sign. 26 There was a break in the flow of traffic, but Callie didn’t pull 27 out. She hesitated in the parking lot, uncertain what to do. 28 Maybe they won’t have vacancies. 29 It wouldn’t hurt to check. 30 You have to stay someplace. 31 Why not just ask? 32 A tall man with glasses answered the door, a black cat in his 33 arms. Another cat rubbed against his leg, peering up from below. 34 �śDo you have any rooms tonight?” Callie asked. S 35 �śAs a matter of fact we do.” R 36 1 8 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 188 Tuesday, May 2 8 1 A . M . A huge swooshing of water as the ferry pulled away. 2 Callie leaned against the railing on the top deck, wind whipping 3 through her hair. For the first time since arriving in Maine, she 4 smelled the acrid sea. 5 They passed a long granite breakwater with a lighthouse at 6 its tip. Callie’s thoughts flashed to Diane, trying to picture her 7 here. The Diane she saw in her mind’s eye was the young woman 8 she’d known. She tried to imagine what the years had done to 9 that fiercely intelligent face. Diane would have aged well. She 10 had no doubt about that. The high cheekbones, the fine, straight 11 nose �" these would have stayed the same. 12 When Callie thought of Diane now, it was hard to know what 13 she felt. Beyond the horror of what had happened, her feelings 14 were more complex. Sadness, pity, resentment. Anger and grati-15 tude. She barely remembered their first meeting, at that Nashville 16 AA group. She’d been so distraught �" and so hungover �" every-17 thing was a blur. Diane had followed her out of the meeting, 18 pressed a phone number on her. 19 She’d needed someone to talk to. That had been part of it. 20 Diane had been an excellent listener, patient and sympathetic. 21 She’d known when to talk and when to keep quiet, when to give 22 advice. From the start, Diane had been honest about her job, but 23 she’d promised to keep their friendship secret from even her edi-24 tors. Now, more clear-sighted, Callie saw she’d had a plan. It had 25 been self-interest, not loyalty, that had kept their meetings se-26 S cret. Diane had had no intention of letting her paper get wind of 27 R this story. 1 8 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 189 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Diane had kept her word, though. She’d obtained Callie’s �" 1 Laura’s �" approval before selling her book proposal. At first, 2 she’d resisted Diane’s cajoling, but later she came around. In the 3 end, it had all boiled down to money, and they’d finally struck a 4 deal: Fifty thousand dollars up front and 10 percent of Diane’s 5 royalties. At that point, Callie had had no idea of how much that 6 might be. By now, she’d received several hundred thousand dol-7 lars, and checks still trickled in. It was money she’d received from 8 The Vanishing Man that had paid for the house in Merritt. It had 9 paid her Windham College tuition, established a trust for Anna. 10 If she had it to do over again, she had no doubt that she would. 11 Still, she’d never entirely recovered from reading Diane’s book. 12 At first she’d been wildly angry, consumed with a sense of be-13 trayal. She’d trusted Diane totally. Was this how Diane repaid 14 her? She’d had thoughts of filing a lawsuit, even sat down with 15 pen and paper. But when she reread the book, her reaction 16 started to shift. Hard as she searched she couldn’t find a single in-17 accuracy. Every word Diane had attributed to her �" she’d really 18 said those things. The only difference between the book and life 19 was the things that had been left out. The days when nothing bad 20 had happened. The days when Steven was kind. 21 Still, when you took out these interludes, this is what was left: 22 an endless series of bright red flags she’d done her best to ignore. 23 The blood-soaked shirt. The mask and gloves. The unexplained 24 absences. The blue Honda Civic that someone saw before Lisa 25 Blake was killed. The Atlanta woman who’d had a frightening 26 encounter with a man whose name was Steven. She’d met him at 27 a bar, and he’d bought her a drink. It tasted strange, she said. He 28 told her he’d get her another one, but when she looked up, he 29 was gone. A grad student in biology, she’d taken the drink to be 30 tested. And found that it was laced with GHB, the well-known 31 date-rape drug. 32 But everything had been so confused back then, an alcohol-33 soaked blur. Callie remembered nights on the couch, with her 34 second bottle of wine. In her mind, she’d match up his absences S 35 with the dates women disappeared, feel herself teeter dangerously R 36 1 8 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 190 A M Y G U T M A N 1 at the edge of a precipice. Then, sharply, she’d pull herself back, 2 tell herself it was crazy. Would he use his own name if he were a 3 killer? Park his car in plain view? Would he leave evidence for 4 her to find, the shirt, the knives, the bones? Later, she’d tried to 5 tell herself that he’d wanted to be caught, but the experts traced 6 his seeming carelessness to grandiosity. 7 She still remembered the first time she’d felt that lurching 8 sense of doubt. A Friday night. She’d been watching TV after 9 Steven cancelled a date. She’d been drinking wine, feeling sorry 10 for herself, when a news report came on, a recent murder attrib-11 uted to the infamous Vanishing Man. Her name was Lisa Blake; 12 she was a Memphis college student. Her picture showed a bril-13 liant smile, smooth, straight blonde hair. 14 It was like the twist of a kaleidoscope, as pieces fell into place. 15 She’d staggered up to find her date book. To find out where he’d 16 been. Lisa Blake had disappeared on a Saturday night just two 17 weeks before. Steven had cancelled that night, too. He’d said he 18 had to work. In later weeks, she’d checked the dates of half a 19 dozen murders. On none of these days did her calendar show that 20 she’d been with Steven. She didn’t always make note of their 21 dates, especially casual ones �" a cheeseburger at Rotier’s, drinks 22 at 12th & Porter. Still, the suspicion had taken root. She couldn’t 23 let it go. 24 On some days, she was filled with doubt, filled with remorse 25 and guilt. How could she have such terrible thoughts about the 26 man she loved? No wonder Steven was losing interest. He knew 27 who she really was. A desperate, jealous, angry girl, out to get her 28 boyfriend. No wonder he’s not around, she thought. You’re out to 29 destroy him. 30 When they moved to Nashville, Steven’s childhood home, the 31 plan was that they’d live together. Steven went down to find a 32 place, while she stayed back in Cambridge. But after finding an 33 apartment, Steven decided to live alone. He was planning to ap-34 ply to law school, that was his excuse. He’d need to study for the 35 S LSAT. He needed solitude. 36 R 1 9 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 191 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y For once, she stood up for herself, demanded an explanation. If 1 he didn’t even want to live with her, why should she move to 2 Nashville? To her astonishment, he started to cry, begging her to 3 stay. �śI need you,” he told her �" the first and only time. �śPlease, 4 please don’t leave me.” The tears had reassured her in a way his 5 words could not. Finally, after so much time, she’d finally be-6 lieved he loved her. 7 Once she arrived in Nashville, though, things went from bad 8 to worse. And the more elusive Steven grew, the more frantic she 9 became. She devoured dozens of self-help books, tried to improve 10 herself. The problem was they all offered conflicting advice and 11 information. They urged her to be understanding, to listen to his 12 pain. Then they told her that she was making herself too easily 13 available. She tried not calling him on the phone, not answering 14 when he called her. He mentioned it a couple of times, but 15 mostly he didn’t notice. 16 Foggy as this time was, it was clearer than what came later. Af-17 ter his arrest, her life unfolded in an endless haze. Through days 18 in the airless courtroom, she felt like a sleepwalker. And then one 19 night, watching TV news, she suddenly snapped awake. She 20 could still feel the chill that had passed through her as she lis-21 tened to an interview with Dahlia’s brother. �śHe ruined my life. 22 He ruined my family,” Tucker Schuyler said. �śDeath is too good 23 for him. Anyone who causes this sort of pain, they should be 24 forced to suffer.” 25 The words cut clear through her. She felt their searing truth. 26 With a prescient chill, she knew then that this boy would never 27 recover. He’d been late to meet his sister, and when he showed up 28 she was gone. He’d live with that for the rest of his life, the bur-29 den of his guilt. Until then, there’d been something abstract 30 about Dahlia Schuyler’s death. In that instant, though, she 31 clearly saw the truth of what Steven had done. He had destroyed 32 this family. And she’d played a role in that. For the first time, it 33 hit home, the degree of her complicity. 34 The ferry pitched high to one side as the wind cut across the S 35 R 36 1 9 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 192 A M Y G U T M A N 1 boat. They were passing a rocky island now, lined with jagged 2 trees. In the distance, rolling blue-gray hills rose against the sky. 3 The effect was one of layers upon layers, different shades of blue. 4 The air was growing colder. Callie went downstairs. 5 She slid into a seat in the almost empty cabin. The air, heavy 6 and damp around her, smelled like salt and oranges. Behind her a 7 heavy gray-haired woman was finishing off a snack. As she peered 8 through a foggy window, Callie glimpsed land. At first there was 9 just the rocky coast, then the occasional house. The woman be-10 hind her gathered up bags. A sleeping man woke up. They must 11 be getting close now. Callie’s stomach dipped. 12 Ten minutes later, the ferry heaved left, and a village came 13 into view. A cluster of shingled buildings, a long wooden pier. 14 They were moving between two islands now through smooth, 15 glassy water. The village grew larger and clearer as the ferry 16 pulled closer in. She caught the words on several buildings. 17 Gray’s Yacht and Boat Builder. The Lobster Pound Restaurant. 18 Then she felt a solid bump as the ferry touched the pier. 19 She waited in her car until the ferry official signaled for her to 20 pull out. Then, following a flatbed truck, she drove down the 21 metal ramp. She couldn’t believe she was here. She couldn’t believe 22 she was here. It was almost as if some outside force had taken con-23 trol of her body. 24 She turned left out of the parking lot. No choice, it was a one-25 way street. Slowly, she drove down a winding road past a library 26 and post office. She saw an art gallery closed for the season, an 27 American Legion post. Another curve in the sloping road, and 28 then there it was: the shingled house where Diane Massey had 29 spent her final days. 30 Because she’d seen its picture in the paper, she knew that this 31 was the place. Quickly, she glanced in her rearview mirror. No 32 cars or people in sight. She pulled into the gravel driveway and 33 followed it up a hill. The driveway circled behind the house, 34 shielding her car from view. 35 S The soles of her boots scrunched on the gravel as Callie 36 R walked toward the back porch. Using her hands to cut the glare, 1 9 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 193 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y she peered through a back window. What she saw was a rustic 1 old-fashioned kitchen. Nothing unusual. Stove. Refrigerator. 2 Table and chairs. Just what you’d expect. The porch wrapped 3 around the house, and Callie continued on. There were three 4 windows on the side of the house, two of them in the kitchen. 5 Through the last window in the row, she saw a living room. 6 Again, nothing striking. No sign of what had occurred. 7 It was actually a bit unnerving how untouched everything 8 seemed. Callie realized that, at some unconscious level, she’d ex-9 pected to find a crime scene. Yellow tape across the door, every-10 thing cordoned off. But Diane hadn’t been killed at home. She’d 11 been attacked some ways off. Besides, it had been days �" 12 weeks �" since the body was found. 13 When she reached the front door, Callie paused, reluctant to 14 continue. Even with the wall of trees by the porch, somebody 15 might see her. She reached for the knob and gave it a twist, sure 16 that she’d find it locked. But to her surprise, the handle turned. 17 The door creaked open. 18 She gazed into a shadowy hall, its upper reaches veiled in dark-19 ness. She felt poised for something, though she didn’t know what 20 it was. She had no business being here, but something pulled her 21 on. There wasn’t any logic to it, yet she couldn’t seem to stop. 22 Just five more minutes, she thought. Then I’m out of here. 23 She walked down the hallway toward a closed door that she 24 assumed must lead to the kitchen. But just as she reached out 25 to push it open, she heard an explosive crash. The house went 26 black. She couldn’t see. Everything started to spin. Some ani-27 mal instinct seemed to kick in, and she crouched close to the 28 ground. 29 Time passed, seconds, then minutes. She wasn’t sure how long. 30 In the black silence of the looming house, she could almost hear 31 her heart. Then, as her eyes grew accustomed to the dark, she 32 glanced quickly around. No sign of another person. The hall was 33 perfectly still. After another moment, she stood and walked to 34 the front door. She opened it and looked outside. Nothing but S 35 sky and trees. R 36 1 9 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 194 A M Y G U T M A N 1 She could see now what had happened: a breeze. The door had 2 slammed shut. 3 Still shaky, she walked out onto the porch, closing the door be-4 hind her. 5 It was reassuring to hear the familiar sound of her sturdy Su-6 baru’s engine. She drove slowly down the driveway and turned 7 back onto the road. For a while, she drove aimlessly, hardly pay-8 ing attention, letting herself recover from the shock she’d had in 9 the house. She passed a Chevy Blazer and a Ford Escort, turned 10 right on an unmarked road, drove past an overgrown field full of 11 boats, a cemetery, a farm. 12 After a time, she saw water again, narrow glimpses through 13 trees. The dirt roads that led off into the woods didn’t seem to 14 have street signs. Briefly she wondered about that, then figured 15 that they weren’t needed. Anyone likely to be out here would 16 know their way around. But just as this thought went through her 17 mind, she did see a sign. Black block letters on unfinished wood. 18 CARSON’S COVE, it said. 19 Callie stepped on the brake. 20 This was where it happened. 21 She pulled her car to the side of the road and checked for traf-22 fic behind her. No cars, no people, nothing, just a long, flat 23 stretch of pavement. She backed up to the entrance and turned 24 left at the sign. 25 Bumping down the deeply rutted dirt road, she was glad for her 26 all-wheel drive. She splashed through a muddy pothole, crunched 27 over stray tree limbs. To either side were towering trees as far as 28 she could see, the soft white of birch bark contrasting with the 29 evergreens. 30 She’d driven about a mile when the road ended in a clearing. 31 It seemed she’d gone as far as she could. Now she’d have to walk. 32 A slender break in the wall of trees led to a narrow footpath. Cal-33 lie parked, got out of the car, and headed for the opening. 34 Beneath the deep green canopy, she carefully picked her way. 35 S She didn’t know what she was looking for, but she felt like she 36 R was looking for something. The path was littered with small 1 9 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 195 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y pinecones, twigs, rocks, and leaves. The air seemed colder than it 1 had before, the sky a deeper gray. She passed a dilapidated shed. 2 Somewhere, birds were chirping. She heard the tapping of a 3 woodpecker, impossibly sharp and fast. But by far the loudest 4 sound of all was the wind rushing through the trees. 5 Again and again, she asked herself, What are you doing here? 6 The words became a sort of refrain as she moved down the path. 7 The impulse that had drawn her here wasn’t a simple thing. And 8 it wasn’t just about Diane, although she played a role. It struck 9 Callie that perhaps this trip was a pilgrimage of sorts. She’d come 10 to do penance, that was part of it, to bear witness to the past. To 11 pay tribute in some visceral way to all the women who’d died. For 12 so long she’d tried not to think about them, not as individuals. 13 Even at Dahlia Schuyler’s trial, she’d tried to block things out. 14 Without realizing it, Callie’s steps had slowed until she was 15 standing still. Lost in thought, she startled at the sound of foot-16 steps behind her. The sound was soft but growing louder, ap-17 proaching not retreating. For the second time in less than an 18 hour, adrenaline washed through her. Frozen, she stood there lis-19 tening for another long moment. Then she started to walk again, 20 but this time more quickly. Up ahead a few dozen yards, she saw 21 a patch of sun. Her rapid walk became a run as she sprang toward 22 the light. 23 She heard the sound again. Someone, or something, behind 24 her. Still running, she reached into her purse and grappled for her 25 cell phone. The footsteps behind her seemed to speed up, keep-26 ing time with her own. With a burst of energy, she broke through 27 the trees, emerged on a windswept beach. Black water lapped 28 against the shore, an expanse of rocks and seaweed. She’d hoped 29 to see houses or even people, but the area was deserted. To her 30 left the island curved inward, and she couldn’t see around the 31 bend. Not sure what else to do, she jogged in that direction. 32 She had to be careful not to trip as she fumbled with the cell 33 phone buttons. The bright beep as she turned on her phone filled 34 her with sudden joy. Then, glancing behind her, she saw a man S 35 step out of the woods. Wearing dark clothing and a baseball cap, R 36 1 9 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 196 A M Y G U T M A N 1 he impatiently scanned the landscape. Even as she started to run 2 more quickly, she realized that she was trapped. Her only possible 3 hiding place was a pile of boulders down the beach. But long be-4 fore she reached it, he’d be on top of her. 5 �śHey!” he called. �śWait up. I wanna talk to you.” 6 She’d already dialed 911 and was waiting for the call to go 7 through. Holding the phone to her ear, she kept her eyes on him. 8 The glassy water broke against the shore, bursting into foam. 9 The phone still wasn’t ringing. 10 She looked at the screen: NO SIGNAL. 11 She stared at the words, incredulous. This had never happened 12 before. Just last night she’d called Anna from her room at the Old 13 Granite Inn. A wave of fear engulfed her. What was she going 14 to do? 15 She felt clumsy and weighted down in her parka and heavy 16 boots. When she next looked back, she saw the man was fast 17 gaining on her. She reached down, grabbed a rock, and started to 18 run again. Her heels sank into the stones on the beach and she 19 ran awkwardly. Her purse, clutched close to her side, banged 20 against a hip. 21 �śHey! Hey!” She heard his voice from behind. 22 Finally reaching the pile of boulders, she scrambled up one 23 side. On top, she hopped from one rock to the next, struggling to 24 keep her balance. 25 Then, almost to the other side, she suddenly lost her footing. 26 With a sickening lurch, her ankle twisted, and her foot slid out 27 from beneath her. She grasped at air, then fell, hard, landing on 28 her hip. Her fingers scrabbled at moss-covered stone as she tried 29 to stand up again. But when she managed to reach her feet, pain 30 shot through her ankle. 31 With a huge effort, she reached the next boulder, dragging her 32 injured leg. From behind, she could hear the pounding approach 33 of footsteps, growing louder. Somewhere along the way she’d 34 dropped the rock. She had no way to protect herself. Then in a 35 S flash it occurred to her that he didn’t know about the phone. 36 R She wheeled around to face him. He was nearer than she’d 1 9 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 197 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y thought. He’d reached the base of the boulders and was looking 1 up at her. Up close, she could see that he wasn’t large, not much 2 taller than she was. He had sharp features, pitted skin, and nar-3 row, slouching shoulders. For an instant, she wondered if she 4 could take him on but quickly dismissed the idea. Even apart 5 from her injured ankle, there was something that warned her off. 6 She sensed a sort of wiry strength at odds with the slender frame. 7 Now he smiled up at her, showing small yellow teeth. He re-8 minded her of the evil foxes in fairy tales she’d read to Anna. 9 �śYou gotta be careful up there,” he said. �śThem rocks is slip-10 pery.” 11 Callie met his eyes. �śStay away from me,” she said. �śI’ve al-12 ready called for help.” 13 The smile flickered, then faded. �śWhat’re you talkin’ about?” 14 �śI’ve got a cell phone with me,” Callie said. �śI’ve already called 15 the police. They know I’m out here, that you’re following me. 16 They’ll be here any minute.” 17 Shaking his head, he raised his hands and slowly backed away. 18 �śMa’am, you got the wrong idea,” he said. �śI ain’t gonna hurt you. 19 I was just comin’ to tell you that you shouldn’t be out this way 20 alone. A woman was killed ’round these parts not too long ago.” 21 Callie’s ankle had begun to throb. She looked at him, uncer-22 tain. Could he be telling the truth? She had no way of knowing. 23 �śLook,” she said. �śI’m just a little nervous. I didn’t mean to at-24 tack you. It’s just that when I heard you behind me, well, I guess 25 I sort of panicked.” 26 �śYou knew about the murder?” he said. 27 �śYes,” said Callie. �śI knew.” 28 He peered at her more sharply, with something like suspicion. 29 �śWho are you, anyway? You some sort of reporter? Someone from 30 the papers?” 31 �śNo. I’m . . . I used to know the woman who was killed. I was 32 sort of a friend of hers.” 33 �śHuh.” He nodded slowly a few times, then looked at her 34 again. �śYou need some help gettin’ down from there? You hurt S 35 yourself when you fell?” R 36 1 9 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 198 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śNo,” said Callie. �śReally. I’m fine.” 2 �śOkay, then.” He cocked his head. �śWell, I’d better get going. 3 You be careful now, hear?” 4 As he sauntered back down the beach toward the woods, Cal-5 lie watched his figure get smaller. Once he’d disappeared in the 6 trees, she began to climb down off the rocks. 7 Now that there was no need to move quickly, she stayed on her 8 hands and knees. Painfully, she crawled down off the boulders, 9 then made an effort to stand. Her injured ankle was pounding, 10 the pain growing worse by the minute. She limped forward, step 11 by step, toward the path back to her car. 12 When she reached the edge of the woods, she tried her phone 13 again, but there was still no signal. For all her network’s vaunted 14 claims of coverage, they must not have service here. 15 It was almost one o’clock. The next ferry was at three. She 16 needed to get back on the road and find her way to the landing. 17 As she stepped back onto the gloomy path, her throat seemed 18 to close up. Again, fear washed over her. What if he’d been lying? 19 She told herself that he’d had his chance. If he’d wanted to at-20 tack her, he would have. Chances were he was just who he’d 21 claimed to be, a concerned passerby. Besides, she couldn’t just 22 stand here all day. She had to get back to her car. 23 Pale sun flickered across the ground as Callie struggled for-24 ward. It was her left ankle that she’d hurt, and she tried to favor 25 it, but even minor pressure sent pain surging through her. When 26 she finally glimpsed her parked car, she almost started to cry. 27 She realized that a part of her had been afraid that it wouldn’t be 28 there. Amazingly, she’d managed to keep hold of her purse. She 29 reached into it for her keys. 30 Inside, the car had its familiar smell of fresh plastic and coffee. 31 On the seat beside her lay the road atlas, still opened to Maine. 32 In the backseat, she saw her overnight bag, exactly where she’d 33 left it. These simple objects seemed miraculous; she had to reach 34 out and touch them. As she turned the key in the ignition, she 35 S felt a burst of gratitude. How lucky she was to be here! How lucky 36 R to be alive! She backed up and turned around, heading back to 1 9 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 199 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y town. To the ferry that would carry her toward home, to the place 1 and people she loved. 2 3 h 4 Hidden inside the abandoned shed, Lester Crain watched her go. 5 She was limping �" he’d known that she was hurt �" as she 6 staggered into her car. The dependable motor of the Subaru 7 quickly sprang to life. Rigid, he stood there watching as the blue 8 car pulled away. The roar of the motor blended with the drum-9 beat in his brain. He knew what it meant, tried to stop it, tried to 10 think it through. But the drumbeat just grew louder. There was 11 nothing he could do. 12 A tiny voice in the back of his head was telling him he’d 13 screwed up. He shouldn’t have come to the island. He shouldn’t 14 have stayed this long. It was getting harder and harder to keep 15 himself under control. At night, when he slept, he could hear the 16 screams, almost smell the blood. He saw their faces, crimson-17 lipped with bright, desperate eyes. 18 Things were getting all mixed up, the past confused with the 19 present. Sometimes he’d forget why he was here, forget Steven 20 Gage was dead. When he’d seen her coming down the trail, he’d 21 wondered if he’d gone crazy. But he wasn’t seeing things after all. 22 She was real. Here. 23 He wondered if she had any idea how close she’d come to dy-24 ing. It had taken an incredible effort to keep his hands off her. 25 Even though she wasn’t his type, he’d almost given in. But once 26 she let loose about the phone, he’d managed to pull back. The 27 bitch was probably lying, but he didn’t know for sure. And he 28 wasn’t so far gone yet that he planned to take the risk. 29 Still, hard as he tried, he couldn’t get her off his mind. He 30 looked at a beam high overhead and imagined her dangling 31 there. Mouth gagged, eyes bulging, terrified of what came next. 32 The drumbeat in his head was faster now, pulsing through his 33 body. Quickly, he unzipped his pants and jammed a hand inside. 34 When he was finished, he leaned against the wall, waiting for S 35 his head to clear. The relief was only partial, though, and he R 36 1 9 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 200 A M Y G U T M A N 1 needed something more. He couldn’t get over the feeling that 2 he’d let a chance go by. Of course, that’s what he’d learned to do. 3 Gage had taught him that. Strategy. Discipline. Self-control. 4 He’d learned these lessons well. He’d learned to assess opportuni-5 ties. He’d learned to hide the bodies. 6 But the pounding in his head wouldn’t stop. The rules were 7 falling away. Ever since Diane Massey, things hadn’t been the 8 same. 9 As the car disappeared down the tree-lined road, a plan was 10 taking shape. Again, he repeated the letter and numbers until he 11 knew them cold. 12 23LG00. 13 Her Massachusetts license plate. 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2 0 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 201 Thursday, May 4 Th e dining room at Rebecca’s was bathed in a peachy glow. 1 Self-conscious on crutches, Callie followed the hostess back. 2 When the young woman stopped at a table for two, Callie hesi-3 tated. She’d be sitting with her back to the door, and the prospect 4 made her anxious. 5 �śI . . . could we have one of the banquettes? What about over 6 there?” 7 The hostess smiled, amenable. She didn’t seem to care. Her 8 heavy topknot gave her head the look of a nodding flower. 9 Rick held her crutches, as Callie slid onto the cushioned 10 bench. She’d told Rick that she’d twisted her ankle stepping 11 out of her car. The hostess offered to take the crutches. Callie 12 said no. 13 �śI’ll just put them against the wall. They’ll be out of the way.” 14 For the first time, the hostess seemed slightly put out, but she 15 didn’t say anything. Instead, after Rick had taken his seat, she 16 said, �śEnjoy your meal.” 17 As she folded open the menu, Callie glanced toward the en-18 trance. She hadn’t wanted to come out tonight, but for once, 19 Rick had insisted. They needed to talk, he’d said to her. The 20 words seemed ominous. A week had passed since the dinner 21 party, and they’d barely spoken since. Yesterday, Rick had even 22 cancelled pizza night. 23 �śYou know what you want?” Rick’s voice was polite but coolly 24 impersonal. They might have been a couple on a bad first date, 25 the kind you just wanted to end. S 26 �śThe duck, I think,” said Callie. R 27 2 0 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 202 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Across the table in his navy blazer, Rick was a handsome 2 stranger. He seemed as remote and alien as a model in a maga-3 zine. Callie hadn’t bothered to get dressed up, just couldn’t make 4 the effort. As a last-minute concession, she’d put on dangly lapis 5 lazuli earrings. 6 A waitress came by to take their orders, and then they were 7 alone again. 8 �śSo I �"” 9 �śI was �"” 10 Both of them spoke at once then stopped, elaborately courte-11 ous. Out of the corner of her eye, Callie watched a couple enter 12 the restaurant. As the man took the woman’s coat, he said some-13 thing and she laughed. 14 Rick began again. �śCallie, we need to talk.” 15 �śYes,” she said. �śI know.” 16 This was the moment she’d been dreading, and yet she felt 17 oddly detached. As if this wasn’t happening to her. As if she were 18 someone else. There was something restful, almost comforting, 19 about this state of mind. She didn’t have to fight anymore. She 20 could just let things go. She was so tired of trying to manage her 21 life, of trying to control things. It reminded her of that AA 22 phrase, she could just turn it over. 23 Calmly, she took a roll from the basket and started to butter it. 24 When she’d finished, she took a bite. It was sourdough, very 25 good. 26 She knew that Rick was watching her, sensed his rising annoy-27 ance. But, again, it had nothing to do with her. All she could do 28 was wait. 29 Rick leaned forward, hands clasped, elbows on the table. �śI 30 want you to tell me what’s going on. Something is happening 31 with you. I want to know what it is. The way things have been 32 with us �" it can’t go on. I feel like you don’t trust me. I haven’t 33 asked any questions. I haven’t wanted to press you. I’ve kept hop-34 ing that you’d �" we’d �" get to the point where you’d want to let 35 S me in. Where you’d want to tell me your secrets. Want to tell me 36 R about this. ” 2 0 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 203 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Before she knew what was happening, he grabbed hold of her 1 arm. He flipped it over, pushed up the sleeve, and touched the 2 tracing of scars. 3 And then it was like she’d gone away. Her mind was set adrift. 4 Instead of listening to Rick, she was thinking of Melanie. She 5 needed to call the hospital, to find out her condition. She won-6 dered if they’d tell her how Melanie was if she called and asked. 7 She should have protected Melanie. She should have protected 8 the others. Once again, she’d second-guessed herself. She hadn’t 9 trusted her instincts. 10 �śCallie? Are you listening to me?” Rick’s voice jarred her back 11 to the present. 12 �śI’m sorry,” she said. �śI sort of spaced out.” 13 �śHave you heard a thing I’ve been saying?” 14 �śI �" I heard the first part.” 15 He looked at her, jaw set. 16 The waitress arrived with their meals. 17 The crisp, brown duck smelled delicious, but Callie wasn’t 18 hungry. Unwilling to meet Rick’s eyes, she picked up her fork and 19 knife. She cut off a tiny sliver of duck and moved it around on her 20 plate. It was then that she noticed the single rose in the flower 21 display on their table. The rose was the palest yellow, not red. 22 Still, her body clenched. 23 �śI want to get a gun,” she said abruptly. 24 Rick looked at her, dumbfounded. �śIs there any particular rea-25 son?” he asked. 26 She didn’t like his tone. 27 �śI’m a citizen,” she said stiffly. �śI have a right to protect my-28 self.” 29 �śCallie, this is Merritt. Protect yourself from what?” 30 Suddenly, she felt angry. She shouldn’t have to explain. The 31 gun was her decision. It had nothing to do with Rick. 32 �śYou know,” she said, squarely meeting his eyes. �śThere are 33 things you don’t know about me. Some of them are . . . impor-34 tant.” S 35 He leaned closer, across the table. �śWhat the hell is going on?” R 36 2 0 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 204 A M Y G U T M A N 1 She had a sense that if he could have, he’d have reached across 2 the table to shake her. Then something in him seemed to col-3 lapse, and he sank back into his chair. When he looked back up, 4 he seemed defeated, and she felt a pang of guilt. Suddenly, she 5 thought of Rick’s father, his ongoing heart problems. How long 6 had it been since she’d even asked Rick how his father was doing? 7 �śI’m sorry,” she said softly. �śI’m sorry for everything.” 8 Rick just looked at her, shook his head. His face was expres-9 sionless. 10 �śSomething’s got to change,” he said. �śWe can’t go on this 11 way.” 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2 0 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 205 Saturday, May 6 He shouldn’t be here, he shouldn’t. 1 And yet, here he was. 2 Lester Crain drove slowly past the house on Abingdon Circle. 3 Right away, he knew he’d found the place. Her car was parked 4 out front. The blue Subaru with the license plate 23LG00. Then 5 the front door was opening. He pulled to the side of the road. He 6 watched as she stepped down off the porch with two men and an-7 other woman. 8 The four of them walked to the curb where a battered Jetta was 9 parked. They opened the doors and climbed inside, and then 10 they were off. 11 Without taking time to think, he fell in behind them. 12 The drumbeat was growing louder now. 13 He knew what he had to do. 14 15 h 16 �śWhat’s a grange anyway?” asked Callie. 17 They were zipping up I-91 in Martha’s Volkswagen Jetta, Tod 18 and Martha in the front seat, Callie and Rick in the back, head-19 ing for the weekly contra dance at the Guiding Star Grange in 20 Greenfield. 21 �śThey were started by farmers after the Civil War,” said Martha. 22 �śCommunity organizations to promote the well-being of farm fam-23 ilies. They fought the railroad monopolies but also did a lot of social 24 activities. Square dances, suppers, sing-alongs, that sort of thing.” 25 As it turned out, Callie was just as happy to be in a group S 26 R 27 2 0 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 206 A M Y G U T M A N 1 tonight. There was no denying the tension that now suffused her 2 dealings with Rick. They hadn’t talked since Thursday night, 3 when he’d left her abruptly at the front door. She’d even thought 4 that he might cancel tonight, say he just didn’t want to see her. 5 But, perhaps in deference to his friendship with Tod, he hadn’t 6 opted out. 7 �śActually,” said Martha, �śthis particular grange almost closed 8 in the early nineties. There was a lawsuit over handicap access 9 and not enough members left to pay for renovations. We �" I 10 mean the dancers �" we’d been renting the hall, and when we 11 found out what was happening, we asked the farmers how we 12 could help. The solution we figured out was for the dancers to 13 join the grange.” 14 �śThat’s interesting,” said Tod. 15 �śYes,” Callie chimed in. 16 Rick’s face was dim in the shadows. He didn’t seem to hear. 17 Callie wondered what he’d say if he knew where she’d spent her 18 day: in Springfield, at the Smith & Wesson Academy, taking a 19 gun safety course. Today she’d stood on a shooting range, firing at 20 paper targets. She’d learned to squeeze the trigger slowly, waiting 21 for the recoil. The revolver was heavier than she’d expected. She 22 felt subtly changed. Now, with her safety certificate in hand, she 23 was free to apply for a license. 24 They swung off 91 onto 2A and headed down Greenfield’s 25 Main Street. Callie had a moment of déj� vu; she’d taken this 26 route to Maine. They passed through town, then swung a left 27 down a side street of clapboard houses. 28 The Guiding Star Grange was a large white building that 29 might have been a country church. It was only seven-thirty, but 30 the lot was filling, and it took some time to park. Inside, the hall 31 was huge, with wood floors and tall windows. A table by the door 32 held an open fiddle case piled with dollar bills. A sign on the case 33 said $7.00, the price of admission. �śI’ll pay for you,” Callie said to 34 Rick and counted out fourteen dollars. �śThanks,” Rick re-35 S sponded. He barely glanced at her. 36 R Callie’s spirits lifted slightly as they moved inside, and she 2 0 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 207 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y heard the lively music, a haunting, energizing blend of Celtic and 1 American. Onstage, someone played the accordion, and a few 2 other musicians played strings. Out front, a few eager couples 3 danced, mirroring each other’s movements, swirling in circles, 4 suddenly stopping, then doing a sort of scuff kick. 5 The growing crowd ran the gamut from aging hippies to tat-6 tooed kids. There were even a few svelte couples in black who 7 looked like they hailed from Manhattan. Callie was smiling at 8 the random mix when she caught sight of Nathan and Posy. 9 Callie ducked behind Martha. �śKabuki Girl’s here. With 10 Nathan.” 11 Martha looked at her, stricken. �śI should have told you she 12 comes sometimes. I’d totally forgotten.” 13 �śIt’s not a big deal,” said Callie. But a part of her wished she’d 14 known. The thought of dealing with Nathan tonight was more 15 than she could take. People were still pouring through the door, 16 filling up the hall. Perhaps the crowd would be large enough that 17 he wouldn’t notice her. 18 Someone on the stage was talking. 19 �śThat’s the caller. We’re about to start.” Martha looked at Cal-20 lie and Rick. �śMaybe the two of you should split up, at least for 21 the first few dances. It’s easier to pick up the steps with someone 22 who knows what they’re doing.” 23 �śOkay,” said Rick, with an alacrity that Callie found discon-24 certing. He headed off into the crowd, leaving Callie with 25 Martha and Tod. 26 �śI don’t want to strain my ankle,” said Callie. �śI just got off 27 those crutches.” 28 �śSee how it feels,” Martha said. �śYou can always sit down if you 29 want to.” 30 Martha was looking over Callie’s shoulder. �śAl!” she called. 31 �śCome dance with my friend. It’s her first time here.” 32 Callie’s partner was a balding man with a small potbelly and an 33 impish smile. Below khaki shorts, his legs were white. He wore 34 tube socks and sneakers. S 35 The crowd had divided itself into three long lines of couples. R 36 2 0 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 208 A M Y G U T M A N 1 From the stage, the caller gave instructions. Callie did her best to 2 follow. 3 Do-si-do. Star Left. Swing your partner. Circle right. 4 Some moves were familiar from childhood square dances; oth-5 ers were totally new. The most complicated step, called a hey, in-6 volved four dancers weaving in and out. Callie couldn’t seem to 7 get it straight. She kept bumping shoulders and knees. 8 �śDon’t worry about it,” Al said reassuringly. �śJust have a good 9 time.” 10 The music started up, spirited and infectious. 11 Before she knew what was happening, Callie found herself 12 dancing. Someone grabbed her hand. She turned around. Then 13 Al clasped her from behind. He spun her around, first slowly, 14 then faster and faster. 15 �śMeet my eyes,” she heard him say, as the room began to blur. 16 �śIt’ll keep you from getting dizzy.” 17 She raised her head, reeling, smiling. Then someone else 18 grasped her hand. 19 There was a pattern to the dance, Callie saw, though it took a 20 while to catch on. She and Al had started near the top of their 21 line and were moving toward the bottom, dancing with the cou-22 ple just behind them, then moving on to the next, repeating the 23 same pattern of steps with each successive couple. 24 Once she got the hang of it, she fell into the rhythm. Before 25 long, she was extending a hand, not waiting to be grabbed. Now 26 when Al spun her around, she leaned farther back, letting the 27 weight of her body add to the momentum. It was like being a 28 child again, twirling as fast as she could, getting a kick out of try-29 ing to make herself dizzy enough to fall down. 30 Glancing around, Callie thought how wholesome the whole 31 thing seemed. As if they’d all been transported back to some sim-32 pler time and place. A community barn raising, a church potluck 33 supper. It really was a lot of fun, festive and exhilarating. So dif-34 ferent from the type of dancing she’d done when she was younger. 35 S The dark rooms, the beer and sweat, the loud pounding music. 36 R I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood, I’m in the . . . 2 0 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 209 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y With a start, she pulled her thoughts back to the safe, well-1 lighted present. 2 When the music ended, everyone clapped. Al thanked her and 3 moved on. But before she could look around for Rick, someone 4 else had asked her to dance. She danced with him and then an-5 other man, a professor at UMass. By the end of the third dance, 6 her ankle throbbed. She had to take a break. 7 Chairs lined the sides of the hall, and she headed for an empty 8 one. She was just about to take a seat, when someone called her 9 name. 10 �śHi, Callie. Will you dance with me?” Nathan’s face was pink 11 and shiny. His white T-shirt clung damply to the bones of his nar-12 row rib cage. 13 Callie shook her head. �śSorry, Nathan, but I’m beat. I’ve got to 14 take a break.” 15 �śMaybe I’ll take a break with you. I’m pretty wiped out too.” 16 The music had started again. But instead of the rousing contra 17 music, the musicians were playing a waltz. Couples slowly dipped 18 and turned to the one-two-three, one-two-three beat. Across the 19 room, Callie saw Martha, taking the floor with Al. She wondered 20 what he’d been thinking when he put on those thick white socks. 21 �śWhere’s Posy?” Callie asked Nathan. 22 He shrugged. �śDon’t know,” he said. 23 Then, with relief, Callie saw Tod, coming toward her through 24 the crowd. 25 �śHey,” he said. �śI was looking for you. Want to give it a whirl?” 26 �śSure!” said Callie. She looked at Nathan. �śSorry. I promised 27 him.” She glimpsed Nathan’s disappointed face as Tod took her 28 hand. He stood there, slack-faced, staring, as she moved to the 29 floor with Tod. 30 �śWhat was that about?” asked Tod, taking Callie in his arms. 31 He felt different from Rick, shorter and more compact. She had 32 an impression of solidity. He smelled of wool and lime. 33 �śIt’s not worth going into,” said Callie. �śSomeone I know from 34 school.” S 35 They danced for a while in silence, Tod’s arm firm around her R 36 2 0 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 210 A M Y G U T M A N 1 waist. Callie hadn’t waltzed since the ballroom dancing classes 2 she’d taken as a kid, but to her surprise, she found that she could 3 easily follow Tod. 4 �śYou’re good at this.” She grinned up at him. 5 �śYou sound surprised,” he said. 6 �śNo. Oh, maybe. I guess I just don’t think of people waltzing 7 anymore. It seems so old-fashioned. Like something our parents 8 did.” 9 �śMy wife �" ex-wife �" liked to dance,” said Tod. �śShe made 10 me learn.” 11 There was a neutral quality to his voice. Callie couldn’t see his 12 face. She debated whether to follow up or let the subject drop. 13 �śSo do you still miss her?” Callie finally asked. 14 Tod circled her to the right. 15 �śI don’t even know anymore. Lately I’ve been thinking that 16 maybe it’s just a habit. Something I’ve got used to saying without 17 really thinking. The thing is, we didn’t really get along. We’re 18 very different people. But for some reason both of us kept think-19 ing we could change the other person. Stupid, huh? I mean 20 everyone knows you can’t change someone. So why do we keep 21 thinking we can?” 22 �śThat’s a good question,” said Callie. 23 �śMartha’s a really great person,” he said, after another pause. 24 �śThanks for introducing us.” 25 Callie felt a glow of warmth for him. �śSure,” she said. �śNo 26 problem.” 27 When the dance was over, everyone clapped. Callie saw Tod 28 watching her. 29 �śYou okay?” he asked, after the applause died down. �śYou look 30 a little tired. Want something to drink? I think they have stuff 31 downstairs.” 32 As a crowd of dancers surged toward the door, Callie and Tod 33 moved with them. Downstairs the throng converged on a table 34 filled with refreshments. Callie and Tod bought lemonade, then 35 S headed for an empty table, one of several shoved against the walls 36 R 2 1 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 211 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y of the busy room. As she sipped her drink, Callie saw Martha and 1 called out to her. 2 �śHey, you guys,” said Martha. Her face was bright and flushed. 3 She pushed a swath of hair up on her head and fanned the back 4 of her neck. 5 Tod scooted over another few inches so Martha could sit 6 down. She touched his shoulder briefly. �śThanks. But let me get 7 lemonade.” 8 Upstairs, the music was starting again. 9 �śHave you seen Rick?” Callie asked her. 10 Martha scanned the room. �śI danced with him a while ago, but 11 I haven’t seen him since.” 12 As Martha made her way to the refreshment table, Tod turned 13 to Callie. �śHow’s Rick been doing?” he asked her. �śHe seems sort 14 of quiet tonight.” 15 Callie wasn’t sure what to say. �śYeah,” she finally said. �śI know.” 16 �śHow’s his dad doing?” Tod asked. 17 �śBetter, I think,” she said. �śAt least, the last he told me. He 18 doesn’t really tell me much.” 19 �śI know what you mean,” said Tod. 20 These last few words made Callie feel better. At least it wasn’t 21 just her. But the sense of relief didn’t last long. Rick’s father was 22 the least of their problems. 23 Martha rejoined them, paper cup in hand, and hopped up onto 24 the table. Then, from across the room, Callie saw Nathan com-25 ing toward them. 26 �śI’m looking for Posy,” he said to Callie once he reached their 27 table. 28 Relieved that he wasn’t asking her to dance, Callie managed a 29 smile. �śHaven’t seen her,” she said. �śIt’s quite a crowd tonight.” 30 Nathan looked at her suspiciously, as if he didn’t believe her. 31 �śWell, if you see her, tell her I looked for her. I’m tired. I’m go-32 ing home now.” 33 As Nathan walked away, Martha turned toward Tod. �śHow 34 about it?” she said. �śYou up for another one?” S 35 R 36 2 1 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 212 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śSure,” he said. Then turning, �śYou coming up, Callie?” 2 Callie took one more look around the rapidly clearing room. 3 Most of the dancers had gone back upstairs. Still no sign of Rick. 4 �śMy ankle’s hurting a little bit. I think I’ll sit this one out. But 5 I’ll come back upstairs with you. I think I’ll just watch.” 6 In their absence, the dance hall’s temperature seemed to have 7 shot up. The crowd had grown as the evening passed, and the 8 room was now jam-packed. 9 At the next break in the music, Martha and Tod stepped onto 10 the floor, joining one of the long lines that ran the length of the 11 hall. As the music started up again, Callie started to walk, slowly 12 edging her way around the room’s chair-lined periphery. A sharp 13 cool breeze blew in through a window, and she paused there 14 gratefully. A boy with a pierced eyebrow asked her to dance. Cal-15 lie politely said no. Continuing around the room, Callie watched 16 the dancers. Again and again, she scanned the crowd, but she 17 didn’t see Rick anywhere. 18 h 19 20 GODDAMN it. 21 She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t. 22 Crying was totally lame. And besides, it would wreck her 23 makeup. 24 Posy Kisch pressed two fingers against the skin beneath her 25 eyes, carefully blocking the tears that threatened to erupt. Her 26 lower eyelashes left traces of black on the tips of her black-nailed 27 fingers. She wiped them off on her short black skirt, bought spe-28 cially for tonight. She wished she had a mirror to check the rest 29 of her face. The dark red lipstick. The white foundation. The 30 spots of pink on her cheeks. 31 But then, why did she give a fuck? 32 What was the point, anyway? 33 She was such a stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl. 34 When Nathan agreed to come with her tonight, she’d thought 35 S that it meant something. She’d thought that it would be almost a 36 R date. The two of them together. There were always tons of people 2 1 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 213 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y at a contra dance, but Nathan wouldn’t know them. And since 1 he was incredibly shy, she’d expected he’d stick with her. 2 When that bitch Callie Thayer had walked in the room, she 3 could hardly believe her eyes. Of course, Martha was a regular, 4 but she’d never before brought Callie. It had taken Nathan about 5 five seconds to figure out she was here. She was old enough to be 6 his mom. The whole thing was totally stupid. Besides, Callie had 7 a boyfriend. It fucking wasn’t fair. 8 She was standing outside in the parking lot crowded with dark 9 cars. From back inside, she could hear the music, the sound of 10 people dancing. Looking up at the silvery stars, she wondered 11 what the point was. She’d hated high school. She hated college. 12 Maybe she hated life. She had never fit in anywhere. Maybe she 13 never would. 14 Again, she felt the tears rush up. Again, she pushed them back. 15 Don’t cry. Don’t cry. 16 Don’t be a stupid girl. 17 She’d thought she was all alone out here, but someone was 18 calling her. �śHey. Over here.” The voice was urgent, low. 19 Confused, she turned toward the sound. It seemed to be com-20 ing from someplace close, but she didn’t see anyone. Maybe back 21 behind the building. She couldn’t see back there. Most of the 22 parking lot was well lit, but that area was darker. 23 �śNathan?” she said hesitantly. 24 �śYeah. Over here.” 25 �śWhy are you talking like that?” she said. �śWhere are you, any-26 way?” 27 Then there was a light in her face, and she couldn’t see any-28 thing. �śNath �" ” she said. But before she finished, hands closed 29 around her neck. 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 2 1 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 214 Monday, May 8 I 1 n the silence of the Windham library basement, Callie found 2 her carrel, the place where she always sought refuge when she 3 had to get some work done. The carrel wasn’t really hers �" it was 4 assigned to an honors senior �" but the only sign of its rightful 5 occupant were some books about ancient France. 6 As she started to unload her backpack, she gave herself a pep 7 talk. It was understandable, she told herself, that she hadn’t kept 8 up in school. Diane’s murder. Melanie’s attack. The overnight 9 trip to Maine. It was hard to believe that all these things had 10 happened in a few short weeks. At least Melanie was doing bet-11 ter, and that was a huge relief. When Callie called the hospital 12 several days ago, she’d learned that Melanie had been released. 13 She’d sent her a card and a spring bouquet but hadn’t telephoned 14 yet, unsure if Melanie would welcome the call, under the circum-15 stances. 16 But she had to put these thoughts aside, at least for a couple of 17 hours. She was here to focus on the term paper due in just two 18 weeks. Today she’d look over the assigned readings and settle on 19 a topic. She wanted to write about memory but needed to find a 20 thesis. From a loose-leaf notebook, she pulled out a copy of an ex-21 cerpt from a Harvard psychologist’s book. It discussed what the 22 author called memory’s �śsins.” There were seven of them. 23 Most intriguing, Callie thought, were the so-called sins of 24 commission �" cases where a memory was inaccurate or un-25 wanted. Of the four sins in this category, the first was misattri-26 S bution �" for example, believing that a friend had told you 27 R something you’d read in the paper. The concept seemed familiar, 2 1 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 215 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y and Callie wondered why. Then she realized that it reminded her 1 of the reading on unconscious transference. 2 Farther down, she discovered that there was, in fact, a link. 3 This excerpt, too, recounted the story of the innocent sailor ac-4 cused of robbery because in the past he’d bought tickets from the 5 victim of the crime. Again she read about the psychologist 6 wrongly accused of rape due to the fact that, during the rape, the 7 victim had watched him on TV. 8 Such mistakes, the author wrote, may be traced to �śbinding 9 failure,” the failure to connect a memory to its proper time and 10 place. Now here was a topic she could write about, one that 11 would hold her attention. That someone could be sure they knew 12 something and yet be totally wrong. 13 She was thinking that she should go find the book when a 14 shiver passed through her body. Suddenly, it struck her how alone 15 she was down here. She’d turned on the light above her carrel, 16 but the book-lined stacks were dark. Behind her a row of empty 17 carrels faded into the shadows. She looked up sharply, quickly, as 18 if expecting to see something, a flicker of light, a movement, as 19 someone tried to hide. There was something suspect about the 20 stillness; it felt like a sort of trick. Again she peered up, around, 21 craning her neck to see. She had an impulse to speak out loud, to 22 test the strength of her voice. Would anyone hear her if she 23 called out? Could someone have followed her? 24 Right then, she wanted to grab her things and head for the el-25 evator, for the populous realm of the reading room, the busy ref-26 erence desk. But another part of her sternly exhorted herself to 27 stay put. The killer had taken a lot from her, but she wouldn’t 28 give him this. She’d come here to get some work done. She’d stay 29 until she finished. 30 She sat there another few seconds, heart pounding in her 31 chest. Then, her stomach growled, a homely sound, and she hit 32 on a compromise. On the other side of the basement was a lounge 33 with vending machines. She’d take a break, have a quick snack, 34 then get back to her reading. S 35 Her footsteps sounded unnaturally loud on the gray cement R 36 2 1 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 216 A M Y G U T M A N 1 floor. Towering shelves of dusty books floated in the vaultlike 2 gloom. In a movie, this would be the scene where the heroine 3 was attacked. A sense of foreboding washed over her, and she 4 walked a bit faster. 5 She stepped into the bleak, windowless room as if into a bath. 6 Even the harsh fluorescent lights seemed cheerful and welcom-7 ing. Two young women sat at a table, heads bowed over books. 8 One of them tapped a foot against her chair in a steady, rhythmic 9 beat. Another time the sound might have been annoying, but 10 right now it calmed her. 11 From the vending machines that lined the wall, Callie bought 12 Raisinettes and cheese crackers. She ate the candy standing up, 13 scanning a bulletin board. Yoga classes. A desk for sale. Someone 14 seeking a roommate. After she finished the Raisinettes, she de-15 cided to get some coffee. She deposited her thirty-five cents. The 16 machine spit out a cup. 17 Back at one of the tables, she sipped the tepid brew. The un-18 easiness she’d felt just minutes ago had totally disappeared. Her 19 heart was back to its normal rate; she could hardly feel its beat-20 ing. Once again, her mind was clear. She could think about her 21 paper. 22 Misattribution. 23 Unconscious transference. 24 She asked herself why these theories had such a hold on her. 25 Mistakes �" sins �" of memory. Is that what she’d once hoped 26 for? That the women who thought they’d seen him had somehow 27 all been wrong? For a moment, she had the crazy thought that 28 maybe they had been wrong. That whoever had killed Diane in 29 Maine had also killed the others. If that were true, if that were 30 true, Steven had been innocent. But, of course, it was just a fan-31 tasy, and a far-fetched one at that. She had no doubt of Steven’s 32 guilt. She had no doubt of her own. 33 So who had killed Diane? Who’d brought her the watch and 34 letter? With the force of an unpleasant habit, her mind moved to 35 S Lester Crain. 36 R She had the impression that the Maine state police had writ-2 1 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 217 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y ten him off as a suspect. But despite their confidence, she wasn’t 1 convinced, at least not all the way. It just made so much sense 2 that Crain would be the one. He’d admired Steven, owed him his 3 life. No one knew where Crain was. This notion that the signa-4 ture didn’t change seemed somewhat dubious. Psychological the-5 ories were, by definition, always works in progress. Theories were 6 true until proven wrong. That’s the way it worked. The fact was, 7 when she thought of Diane’s killer, she pictured Lester Crain. Or 8 not pictured, exactly, since she couldn’t recall what he looked 9 like. She must have seen pictures when he escaped, but she 10 couldn’t remember them. 11 �śHey, Callie. What’s going on?” 12 She raised her head with a jolt to find Nathan there beside her. 13 Right away, Callie stood up. 14 �śI was just getting back to work,” she said. �śHow’re you doing, 15 Nathan?” 16 �śHow come we never hang out anymore?” His voice had a 17 plaintive tone. 18 She turned and faced him squarely. Okay, the moment of 19 truth. 20 �śNathan, you need to find friends your own age. I’m sorry, but 21 I’m just too busy. I have a job. I have a daughter. I have other 22 friends.” 23 There. She’d finally said it. But instead of feeling relieved, now 24 she just felt bad. Nathan’s face seemed to crumple up, and she 25 thought that he might cry. 26 �śC’mon, Nathan,” she said with a laugh, trying to lighten the 27 mood. �śYou’ve got other friends too. I think Posy really likes 28 you.” 29 Nathan shook his head. �śNo chance. She ditched me at that 30 stupid dance in Greenfield.” 31 �śDitched you. You mean broke up with you?” 32 �śNo. Just left without me. I saw her talking to this other guy. I 33 think she went with him. I’ve tried to call her a bunch of times, 34 but she doesn’t answer her phone. She’s probably screening her S 35 calls. She doesn’t want to talk to me.” R 36 2 1 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 218 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Callie wasn’t sure what to say. �śMaybe it will all work out,” she 2 said, not feeling terribly hopeful. If Posy had really left him at the 3 dance �" well, it didn’t sound promising. But this just wasn’t her 4 problem. It really wasn’t her problem. 5 A cluster of students walked into the lounge, all of them 6 squealing with laughter. One of the women had a glossy braid 7 that almost reached her waist. Callie balled up her crackers wrap-8 per and tossed it into the trash. 9 �śGive Posy another call,” she said. �śIt could be a misunder-10 standing.” 11 As she turned to leave, she tried to avoid the pain on Nathan’s 12 face. 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2 1 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 219 Saturday, May 13 R ING BELL FOR FIREARM PERMITS 1 ALL OTHERS SEE DESK OFFICER AT WINDOW 2 BEHIND YOU 3 The bell was on the counter beneath the sign. Callie tapped it 4 with her palm. A short, bright ring, and then a female voice. �śBe 5 right there. Just a sec.” 6 Nervously, Callie glanced around once more at the small po-7 lice department lobby. While she knew Rick was visiting his par-8 ents again, she half expected to see him. 9 �śWhat can I do for you?” The woman behind the window had 10 short brown hair and a soap model’s flawless skin. Callie was re-11 lieved to find that she didn’t look familiar. 12 �śI’m here for a license to carry,” said Callie. 13 �śYou’ve filled out the application?” 14 �śYes.” Callie pulled it out. She handed it over along with the 15 safety certificate from her Smith & Wesson class. 16 The clerk opened a door and gestured Callie back. �śThat’ll be 17 thirty-five dollars.” 18 After taking Callie’s money, she turned back to the forms. 19 Covertly, Callie watched, trying to read her expression. There 20 were several places on the four-page application where she hadn’t 21 been sure what to write. 22 Are you or have you ever been under treatment for or confinement 23 for drug addiction or habitual drunkenness? 24 She’d never been to rehab �" though perhaps she should have 25 gone �" so she figured the answer was no. AA wasn’t a treatment S 26 program, more a form of self-help. R 27 2 1 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 220 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Have you ever used or been known by another name? 2 If yes, provide name and explain. 3 Her first thought had been to stop right there, to forget all 4 about the license. In bold-faced letters, the application warned 5 against providing false information, listing penalties ranging 6 from a five-hundred-dollar fine to a two-year prison sentence. 7 Maybe the warning was exaggerated, but she didn’t feel like test-8 ing it. The only other option was to put down her maiden name. 9 Laura Seton 10 Laura Caroline Seton 11 Laura C. Seton 12 She’d written down the various versions, trying to see them 13 with fresh eyes. Even if the name seemed vaguely familiar, would 14 it prompt more than a fleeting thought? There were millions of 15 people in the world. Many had the same names. In the end, she’d 16 settled on the full name: Laura Caroline Seton. It was both the 17 most accurate and, she thought, the least likely to be recognized. 18 The clerk looked up at her. 19 �śWhere it says reason for request, you put down personal pro-20 tection.” 21 �śYes.” 22 �śYou’ll need to speak with Lieutenant Lambert.” 23 �śIs . . . is that standard? Talking to him, I mean?” 24 �śIf you want a gun for personal protection. Not if it’s for target 25 practice.” 26 Damn. 27 Briefly, Callie considered changing the reason she’d put down. 28 But to do so now, she decided, would be a transparent ploy. Bet-29 ter to stick with what she’d written, as if she had nothing to hide. 30 At least this Lambert wasn’t someone she knew, someone Rick 31 talked about. 32 She was photographed and fingerprinted. One by one, Callie 33 watched as the lacy black prints appeared, the second time in the 34 past two weeks she’d been through this process. In Maine, they’d 35 S needed her prints for elimination purposes, to compare with any-36 R thing they managed to lift from the note or the watch. 2 2 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 221 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y They started with the right hand, moved to the left, then did a 1 second set. Finally, the clerk took a single print of Callie’s right 2 index finger. 3 �śThis one will be for your license,” she said. 4 �śWhy? Why just that one?” 5 �śFor most people it’s the trigger finger.” 6 �śOh,” Callie said. 7 In less than twenty minutes, it was over. 8 Callie was on her way out the door when a question crossed 9 her mind. �śThe application says it could take more than a 10 month �" to get a license, I mean. Is there any way to speed that 11 up? Any way to expedite?” 12 �śYou’d need to ask Lieutenant Lambert about that too. I really 13 couldn’t say.” 14 Lambert. Callie had forgotten that part. 15 �śActually, I think he may be in. Want me to see if he’s free?” 16 The young woman picked up the phone and talked briefly to 17 someone. When she hung up, she looked at Callie. �śHe can see 18 you now. I’ll take you back.” 19 �śLieutenant Mark Lambert. Nice to meet you, Ms. Thayer.” 20 He was Asian, something she hadn’t expected, not given the 21 name. Tall and slender with high cheekbones, he had short jet-22 black hair. Instead of a uniform, he wore a crewneck sweater and 23 neatly pressed khakis. 24 There was a table with two chairs in the small white room. He 25 gestured for her to sit. Taking a seat across from her, he briefly 26 studied her face. 27 �śSo, Ms. Thayer, you want a gun for self-protection. Can you 28 tell me a little about that?” 29 His eyes, almost black, fixed on her face. She had a brief unset-30 tling feeling that he could read her mind. 31 �śThere’s not really much to tell.” Callie laughed self-consciously. 32 �śI’m a single mother with a ten-year-old daughter. It just seemed 33 like a good idea. My father had a gun while we were growing up, 34 and it always made me feel safer.” This last part was a total fabri-S 35 cation, but who was going to check? R 36 2 2 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 222 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śI see,” Lambert said. His tone didn’t change. �śAre you con-2 cerned about something in particular?” 3 �śNo,” Callie said, perhaps a bit too quickly. �śNo, it’s nothing 4 like that.” 5 �śWhere do you live, Ms. Thayer?” 6 �śOn Abingdon Circle,” Callie said. �śWalking distance from 7 downtown.” 8 �śThat’s right near the college?” 9 �śYes.” 10 �śAlmost no crime in that area. Just a break-in now and then 11 when folks go out of town and forget to stop the mail. Last one 12 must have been a couple years back.” 13 �śThe Reillys,” said Callie. �śTwo Christmases ago.” 14 �śThat sounds about right.” 15 A knot was building in Callie’s chest. She hadn’t expected to 16 be grilled. 17 �śIt’s not like I plan to use the gun. I just want to have it.” 18 �śI’m sure you know about the dangers of having a gun in the 19 house. As careful as you are, there’s always a chance that your 20 daughter or a friend could get hold of it.” 21 �śSo . . . I don’t understand,” said Callie. �śDo I have to con-22 vince you of something? I’ve taken the required safety course. 23 I’ve never been convicted of a crime. I’ve never done any of 24 those things on the list that keep you from getting a license.” 25 For a long moment, Lambert looked at her. �śI have some dis-26 cretion,” he said. 27 There was something in his gaze that Callie found unnerving. 28 It was like he suspected a subterfuge. Or knew more than he was 29 saying. 30 Now he was sitting back in his chair, his eyes still on her. 31 �śOfficer Evans came by to talk to me. He’s a little worried 32 about you.” 33 Callie looked at him in astonishment. �śWhat did he say?” she 34 asked. 35 S �śHe’s concerned about your having a gun in the house. He 36 R 2 2 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 223 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y seems to think you’ve been a little . . . tense, maybe not seeing 1 things clearly.” 2 Tense. He’d picked the word carefully. What he meant was un-3 stable. Damn Rick for interfering. This wasn’t his concern. Before 4 she could think better of it, hot words tumbled out. 5 �śThis is ridiculous. If Officer Evans” �" she bit off the words �" 6 �śhad something to say, he should have talked to me about it.” 7 Lambert looked at her warily. �śI was under the impression he 8 had.” 9 �śHe doesn’t think I need a gun. I’m aware of that. But I’m not 10 a child. He isn’t my father. This is my decision, not his. I’m a cit-11 izen of this community, just like anyone else. It’s not up to the 12 man I’ve been dating to make the decision for me.” 13 �śWhoa,” said Lambert, raising his hands. �śLook, Ms. Thayer. I 14 think we’re going off in the wrong direction. Officer Evans is just 15 concerned about your safety. It’s not about someone controlling 16 you, telling you what to do.” 17 �śI think I’m the best judge of that,” Callie snapped. �śAnd from 18 where I’m sitting right now, that’s exactly how it feels.” 19 A long pause. Callie’s face was hot, and her heart thudded in 20 her chest. A tiny voice in her head was saying, This isn’t helping any. 21 She pressed her lips together, let out a long breath. 22 �śI’m sorry to get so upset,” she said. �śBut this really isn’t Rick’s 23 business. Unless he told you anything specific that makes you 24 think I’d pose a danger. If he did, I’d like a chance to respond. I 25 think I’m entitled to that much.” 26 Lambert studied her another few moments. Finally, he spoke 27 again. �śI’ll let the application go through,” he said. �śBut I’d ad-28 vise you to think about this when you’re feeling a little calmer. 29 Think about whether it really makes sense to keep a gun at home.” 30 She couldn’t get out of there fast enough, away from Lambert’s 31 questions. 32 As Callie emerged onto the street, she took deep, full breaths. 33 She stood there squinting in the morning light as her eyes ad-34 justed to the sun. S 35 R 36 2 2 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 224 A M Y G U T M A N 1 It was one of the first warm spring days, the air both soft and 2 bracing. The sky was the same flawless blue it had been on Easter 3 morning. The police department shared the street with a pictur-4 esque row of shops. People milled about window-shopping, but 5 Callie barely noticed. 6 Still standing in the shadow of the police station, Callie pulled 7 out her cell phone. She didn’t even have his parents’ number. 8 She’d have to leave a message. Rick had a cell phone, but he 9 rarely used it, and she didn’t have that number either. 10 When she turned on the phone, it let out a beep, telling her to 11 check voice mail. She’d listen to the message later. Once she’d 12 talked to Rick. She called his home phone and left a message ask-13 ing him to call her. On the short walk home, she left the phone 14 on, which she didn’t usually do. 15 She walked through town along Main Street, past boutiques 16 and coffee shops. Merritt had awakened today and tumbled onto 17 the streets. There were mothers with babies and skateboarders, 18 musicians, and college students. A tiny woman in an orange caf-19 tan fed ice cream to her dachshund. 20 When Callie reached home, she stalked up the steps and 21 jammed her key in the lock. She was glad that Mimi had taken 22 Anna and Henry to Six Flags today. Inside, she headed straight 23 for the phone. A single message was waiting. 24 At first she thought it was a wrong number, maybe someone 25 drunk. The woman’s voice was soft and slurred, barely audible. 26 But she heard her own name and then another. She heard the 27 name Melanie. 28 Melanie had called her. 29 Callie caught her breath. 30 She leaned her ear close to the machine, then pushed the re-31 play button. The message was rambling and disconnected, hard 32 to understand. Several mumbled apologies and then a telephone 33 number. Callie had to listen twice before she got it down. There 34 was still one digit she couldn’t make out. Either a nine or five. 35 S She tried it first with a five, let the phone ring five or six times. 36 R She was just about to hang up, when a groggy voice answered. 2 2 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 225 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śH’llo?” 1 �śMelanie?” 2 �śUh-huh.” 3 �śThis is Callie. Calling you back.” 4 �śOh . . . Hi, Callie.” She sounded dazed. �śI called you.” 5 Was it a statement or a question? Callie wasn’t sure. 6 �śThat’s right,” Callie said gently. �śYou left me a message on my 7 answering machine. I’ve been wanting to talk to you, to find out 8 how you’re feeling.” 9 �śI . . . something happened to me. I was in the hospital.” 10 �śI . . . I know,” said Callie. �śI’m so terribly sorry.” 11 �śI’m sorry too,” said Melanie. She still seemed confused, but 12 her voice was stronger now, as if her mind had grabbed hold of 13 something that she really wanted to say. �śI just didn’t know any 14 better. I was young, but that’s not really an excuse. I was just . . . 15 confused and I didn’t understand, but, but . . . I’m sorry.” 16 What was she talking about? �śYou don’t have anything to be 17 sorry for,” said Callie. �śYou didn’t do anything wrong.” 18 �śNo, no, no. I did. But I didn’t mean to, I didn’t, I didn’t �"” 19 �śShhhhh,” said Callie. She was slightly alarmed by Melanie’s 20 agitation. 21 But Melanie wasn’t listening. She’d started to talk again, her 22 words, normally so precise, both halting and profuse. 23 �śI thought I was better than you. That I could never ever be 24 like you. I thought it was your fault with Steven, that you should 25 have figured out what . . .” 26 Callie felt knocked off balance, as if she’d lost her breath. But 27 at some level hadn’t she known all along how Melanie felt? She’d 28 always been attuned to these reactions. After all, they mirrored 29 her own. 30 �śYou’re right. I should have known. You were right about 31 that.” 32 �śBut sometimes you just . . . don’t. When I fell in love with 33 Frank, I thought it was perfect. I thought he really loved me. And 34 he was so . . . so sure �" about everything. He always knew what S 35 to do. But the thing is, he was never really there.” R 36 2 2 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 226 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Callie’s heart seemed to twist. She remembered that feeling. 2 The Vanishing Man. It still struck her, the irony of that name. 3 It had started with some tabloid paper, she didn’t remember 4 which, then spread like wildfire through the press: TV, radio, 5 print. The witnesses who’d last seen his victims often recalled a 6 man. But except for a sense that he was good-looking, they 7 couldn’t really describe him. Or rather, whatever descriptions 8 they gave never seemed to match. Some said his hair was blond; 9 others said it was brown. He was five foot seven, at least six feet, 10 well over six three. They’d glimpsed him only briefly. He was 11 there, then gone. 12 Then there was the other meaning, far more personal. All 13 those nights she’d waited alone, afraid she was losing him, afraid 14 that one day he’d slip away, leave and never come back. She’d 15 suspected then that he was having an affair, even confronted 16 him. But he hadn’t been sleeping with other women. He’d just 17 been killing them. 18 And yet, still, she’d loved him. She couldn’t let him go. 19 The day he’d been sentenced to death, she’d wanted to tell 20 him that. She’d sat in the gallery willing him to turn and look at 21 her. She’d wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone, that she 22 hadn’t abandoned him. 23 �śYou know ten-b-five? The securities fraud law thing?” Mel-24 anie’s voice was dreamy now, as if her mind was drifting. 25 �śNo, I don’t think so.” 26 �śWell, there’s this . . . this . . . thing. ” Melanie seemed to be 27 searching for words. �śIt’s . . . it’s a law, and it makes it so you have 28 a duty to disclose information if it’s material. That’s the word: mate-29 rial. ” Callie could hear the satisfaction in her voice as she managed 30 to come up with the term. �śIt’s not enough if you just don’t lie. You 31 have to come forward and give information in order to clarify. To 32 make sure that other things you said aren’t . . . aren’t misleading.” 33 �śMmmm,” said Callie. 34 �śI think it should be like that when people say they’re in love.” 35 S �śBe like what?” Callie said. 36 R �śWhere it’s not enough if you just don’t lie. That’s not telling 2 2 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 227 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y all the truth. When I found Frank with Mary Beth, he said I 1 should have asked. He said that he’d never lied to me. As if that 2 made a difference.” 3 �śSteven lied to me,” said Callie. She couldn’t help herself. 4 �śThat’s what I mean!” Melanie said. She was getting excited 5 again. �śIt’s the same thing. It’s all the same thing! They say some-6 thing. They don’t say something. It’s all still the same.” 7 Listening to Melanie, Callie thought that this couldn’t be 8 good for her. 9 �śHoney,” Callie said, surprising herself with the endearment. 10 �śI think I should let you go now. You should get some rest.” 11 Melanie didn’t seem to hear her. �śThey said I was too thin, but 12 I wasn’t. You don’t need to eat so much. I’ve read a lot about it. 13 I’m not a . . . an anorexic.” 14 A click, and the pieces fell into place, why Melanie had looked 15 so haggard. 16 A beep on the line. Call-waiting. Callie thought of Rick. 17 �śMelanie,” Callie said softly. �śCan I call you back a little later?” 18 �śOkay,” said Melanie. She sounded sleepy, like she was starting 19 to fade. The excitement of the past few minutes seemed to have 20 exhausted her. 21 But before hanging up, there was still one question that Callie 22 had to ask. �śThe man who attacked you. When he came to the 23 door, did he bring you flowers?” 24 �śHe brought me roses,” Melanie said. �śThat’s what they told me.” 25 26 After hanging up, Callie checked caller ID. The call that had 27 come in showed a 413 exchange. Rick’s cell phone? Before lis-28 tening to the voice mail message, she went to the sink for a glass 29 of water. Looking out the window, she drank it down fast. 30 Knowing that the flowers were roses made everything simpler. 31 The connection she’d suspected was there. Everything was 32 linked. Melanie’s attack was somehow tied to what had been 33 happening to her. Now that she knew this for sure, she’d call 34 Mike Jamison. Tell him about the roses, both hers and Melanie’s. S 35 In a way it was a relief, this resolution of doubt. R 36 2 2 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 228 A M Y G U T M A N 1 As she’d guessed, the phone message was from Rick. She 2 quickly called him back. The moment she heard him say hello, 3 the anger flared again. 4 �śWhat the hell were you doing, talking to Lambert about me?” 5 He didn’t answer right away, but when he did, she could tell 6 that he was angry too. 7 �śYou know what? I don’t really care if you’re mad. You have no 8 business with a gun, Callie. You don’t know how to use one.” 9 Had she expected him to apologize? She really wasn’t sure. But 10 one thing she hadn’t expected was an anger that matched her 11 own. She’d never seen this side of him before. He’d always been 12 so patient. 13 �śI took the class,” Callie said. She could feel the tension in her 14 jaw. 15 �śOh. Great. So you have, what? Three, four hours’ experience 16 at a firing range? That’s just great. That’s perfect.” 17 His sarcasm was the last straw; the words flooded out. �śWould 18 you just leave me alone? Just leave me alone! This has nothing to 19 do with you.” 20 A long silence followed. 21 �śOkay,” Rick said. And then, with an edge, �śNice knowing 22 you.” 23 A click, and the phone went dead. 24 For a time, she just sat there, the receiver still in her hand. 25 She’d heard the finality in his voice, knew that it was over. Rick 26 had been a part of her life. Now he was gone. Around her every-27 thing looked the same. Light flooded the kitchen. She kept ex-28 pecting the pain to start, but a numbness had settled in. She 29 wasn’t angry. She wasn’t upset. She didn’t feel anything. 30 What next? she asked herself. 31 She knew that she should call Jamison, tell him about the 32 roses. But she suddenly felt so terribly tired that she could barely 33 move. Thank God, she had at least another few hours before 34 Anna got home. Upstairs, she fell into her unmade bed, kicking 35 S off her shoes. She thought about taking off her sweater and jeans 36 R 2 2 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 229 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y but felt too tired to make the effort. Besides, she was only going 1 to rest a while. She wasn’t going to sleep. 2 The next thing she knew, there was a dim ringing. It seemed to 3 go on and on. Disoriented, she sat up in bed and reached for her 4 alarm clock. But the noise wasn’t coming from beside her bed. It 5 was coming from downstairs. The doorbell, that’s what it was, she 6 thought. 7 Callie stumbled up. 8 The hallway was dark. Callie flipped on a light and hurried 9 down the stairs. During the time she’d slept, the sun had set. She 10 must have slept for hours. 11 She flicked on the outdoor light and peered through the peep-12 hole. Anna was standing on the front porch, along with Mimi 13 and Henry Creighton. Mimi was holding a cell phone, punching 14 in a number. 15 Callie turned the lock. 16 �śSorry,” she said. �śI didn’t hear you. I guess I fell asleep.” 17 She looked at Anna. �śHi, sweetie. You have fun today?” 18 Anna was holding a green stuffed bear and a plastic bag of cot-19 ton candy. She had a look of happy satiety, cheeks pink, hair in 20 tangles. 21 �śIt was so cool!” Anna said. 22 �śIt really was,” said Henry. 23 Callie turned to Mimi. �śWould you like to come in?” 24 �śWell, maybe for just a minute.” 25 The kids shot past their mothers, heading for the den. 26 �śI’ll make some tea,” said Callie, motioning Mimi toward the 27 kitchen. 28 Callie felt groggy and slightly sticky in her sleep-rumpled 29 sweater and pants. Mimi was her usual sleek self in a navy twin-30 set and slacks. Gold earrings. Gucci loafers. A small leather bag. 31 Callie couldn’t imagine wearing this ensemble to an amusement 32 park. But then, she couldn’t exactly imagine wearing it anywhere. 33 Sitting at the kitchen table, Mimi examined a fingernail. �śDo 34 you have something herbal?” she asked Callie. S 35 R 36 2 2 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 230 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śChamomile?” 2 �śThat’ll do.” 3 Waiting for the water to boil, Callie leaned against the 4 counter. �śSo, how’d you survive the day?” she asked. 5 �śThey were fine,” said Mimi. Still studying her manicure, she 6 seemed preoccupied. 7 �śThanks again for taking them.” 8 �śMmmm. Not a problem.” 9 This time when the conversation lagged, Callie let it go. 10 From the den down the hall she heard the sounds of a heated 11 Nintendo battle. Into one cup, Callie dropped a chamomile bag, 12 into another, China Black. The kettle began to whistle. Callie 13 turned off the gas. She poured out water and carried the mugs to 14 the kitchen table. 15 The silence was leaden now. Stirring her tea, Callie racked her 16 mind for something to fill the void. Then it struck her that this 17 was an opening, a chance to ask Mimi what she might have seen. 18 Mimi was in and out all day and right across the street. 19 She worked to keep her tone light, just mentioning a minor in-20 convenience. 21 �śHave you had any trouble with deliveries lately?” That was 22 neutral enough. 23 �śDeliveries?” Mimi looked at her as if she didn’t know the word. 24 �śSome books I ordered never arrived. I mean they arrived �" 25 that’s what the company said �" but I never got them. And then, 26 a couple of days ago, I got some flowers I hadn’t ordered.” 27 Mimi gave a brittle smile. �śSecret admirer?” 28 Callie tried to smile back. �śNo, I think it was just a mistake.” 29 �śWell, who cares?” said Mimi. �śI hope you enjoyed them. God, 30 I can’t remember the last time that Bernie sent me flowers.” 31 �śYou haven’t had any problems? Or noticed anything odd? 32 Anyone hanging around the neighborhood who doesn’t seem to 33 belong?” 34 Mimi shrugged and took a sip of tea. When she put down her 35 S cup it splashed, and she dabbed at the table with a napkin. 36 R �śBernie’s having an affair.” Mimi’s eyes were bright. 2 3 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 231 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Callie almost choked on her tea. �śAre . . . are you sure?” she 1 said. �śYou two seem so happy.” 2 Mimi gave a tight smile. �śSeem,” she said. �śSeem. The fact is 3 my husband doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Well, if he 4 thinks I’m going to ignore this, he’s in for a surprise.” 5 Callie wished Mimi would just stop talking. This was embar-6 rassing. She was sure that after some time had passed, regret 7 would settle in. All the same, she felt the faint stirrings of some-8 thing like sympathy. The disclosure was so out of character. How 9 unhappy Mimi must be. She tried to think of something to say, 10 something comforting. But before she could even attempt a re-11 sponse, Mimi was standing up. 12 �śWe should get home,” she said briskly. �śThanks for the cup of 13 tea.” 14 Suddenly, it was like the previous exchange had never taken 15 place. Mimi was smoothing down her hair, picking up her purse. 16 Callie’s head was spinning as she too stood up. 17 �śI’m glad you could stop by,” she said to Mimi. �śAnd thanks 18 again for today.” 19 20 Over a late supper, Anna chattered breathlessly about a new 21 roller coaster. �śIt’s called Batman �" The Dark Knight, and it 22 doesn’t have a floor. It’s sort of like you’re flying, and you go up-23 side down, like, five times. ” 24 The thought of Anna suspended in space gave Callie a sick 25 feeling. Didn’t the world hold enough real danger without look-26 ing for more? 27 �śYou have to go sometime, Mommy.” Anna’s eyes were shining. 28 Callie managed a weak smile. �śThe roller coaster? I don’t 29 think so.” 30 Anna pushed carrots around her plate without taking a bite. 31 She gave Callie an inquisitive look. �śWhere’s Rick?” she said. 32 �śIt’s Saturday. Don’t you guys have a date?” 33 �śRick’s tied up tonight,” said Callie, and was grateful when 34 Anna let the subject drop. There’d be time enough to explain S 35 that Rick was gone for good. R 36 2 3 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 232 A M Y G U T M A N 1 After supper, loading the dishwasher, Callie remembered the 2 message on her cell phone. In her anger at Rick, she’d forgotten 3 it. She should check to see who’d called. She couldn’t stop think-4 ing of Rick, of the things they’d said today. He’d had no business 5 talking to Lambert. She still felt justified. And yet, a part of her 6 knew deep down that he hadn’t meant to hurt her. 7 She finished cleaning the kitchen and went upstairs to work. 8 But instead of sitting down at her desk, she collapsed again on 9 her bed. She told herself she’d just take five minutes and then 10 she’d get back up. But ten, then twenty, minutes passed, and still 11 she didn’t move. She thought about seeing if Anna wanted to 12 play Monopoly. Then she thought again of the cell phone call 13 and got up to find her purse. 14 �śYou have one new message,” the artificial voice said. 15 Then she heard another voice. Her ex-husband calling back. 16 �śI’ve talked to my wife and she �" we �" think that introduc-17 ing Anna to our family would create too many . . . complications. 18 You’re the one who set things up this way, and it’s just not fair at 19 this point to change the rules of the game.” 20 There was a bit more after that, cold and vaguely accusatory. 21 She listened until it was over, then erased the message. 22 The thought that Kevin didn’t want to see Anna was painful 23 to contemplate. For the first time, Callie was grateful that Anna 24 had never taken to Rick. The last thing her daughter needed now 25 was to lose another father figure. 26 But there was another more immediate reason that the mes-27 sage unsettled her. She realized that, at some level, she’d thought 28 of Kevin as a last resort. She’d imagined she had a place to send 29 Anna if things got really bad. At this point, she could no longer 30 pretend that her life wasn’t in danger. What she’d learned in the 31 two weeks since Melanie’s attack left no doubt about that. Under 32 the circumstances, should Anna be at home? Wouldn’t she be 33 safer away from Merritt, out of the line of fire? School would be 34 out in a few weeks. At least the timing was good. 35 S Callie got up and walked to Anna’s room, knocked softly on 36 R the door. 2 3 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 233 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Anna was already in bed with a Harry Potter book. 1 Callie sat down on the edge of the mattress. 2 �śWhat?” Anna said. She looked at her mother warily, as if she 3 suspected something. 4 Callie made her voice bright. �śYou know, school’s out pretty 5 soon, and I was thinking you might go visit Grams and Pappy. It’s 6 been almost a year since you’ve seen them.” 7 Anna stared at her. 8 �śYou mean go to Indianapolis?” By her tone, Callie might as 9 well have suggested that she travel to the desert. �śFor how long?” 10 �śA week. Maybe two.” 11 �śBut what would I do?” Anna sounded stricken. �śI don’t know 12 anyone there.” 13 �śWell, maybe you’ll make some new friends. I’ll bet Grams 14 knows some people with kids right around your age.” 15 Anna shook her head. �śNo,” she said with finality. �śNo. I don’t 16 want to go.” 17 Callie sighed. �śThey’re your grandparents. You need to see 18 them. Besides, I know you’ll have a good time once you actually 19 get there.” 20 �śNo,” Anna said. �śI’m not going. You can’t make me go.” Now 21 she was really angry, chin jutting out. Callie was about to argue 22 back, but managed to stop herself. 23 She stood up from Anna’s bed. 24 �śThere’s no point in talking when you’re acting like this. 25 When you calm down, we can discuss it.” 26 �śI’m not going,” Anna said again. 27 �śYes,” said Callie. �śYou are.” 28 29 h 30 �śI’m not going.” Once more, Anna whispered the words. 31 She listened as her bedroom door clicked shut and her 32 mother’s footsteps faded. Anna got up from her bed and crossed 33 the room to her computer. Her mother didn’t think she had a 34 choice. Well, she was about to find out. S 35 Anna turned on her computer. When the screen flashed up, R 36 2 3 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 234 A M Y G U T M A N 1 she signed on to AOL and checked her buddy list. TheMagi-2 cian93 was already there. Just as she’d known he would be. She 3 clicked on the instant message icon, then stopped to think what 4 to write. Did she really want to do this? She’d been going back 5 and forth. Rick hadn’t been around so much, and she’d thought 6 things were getting better. But it wasn’t like it had been before, 7 when it was just her and her mom. It was like her mom was a dif-8 ferent person from the one she used to be. 9 Yes, she decided, she was ready now. 10 Besides, she could always come back. 11 Bttrfly146 I am ready to go. 12 13 Just moments after she sent the message, he was writing back. 14 15 TheMagician93 You want to go tonight? 16 Bttrfly146 Right. I will meet you at midnight. Just the way we 17 planned. 18 h 19 20 Laura Seton had just turned twenty when she met Steven Gage. The past 21 few years had not been easy, and she was ready for something to go 22 right. 23 Unlike her older sister, Sarah, who had glided through college and med-24 ical school, Laura was having a hard time finding her way in life. She’d 25 started out at Indiana University, the same large public school from which 26 Sarah had graduated. But while Sarah had thrived, Laura languished, 27 feeling lost in the crowd. She’d started out as an English major, then 28 switched to psychology. She was contemplating yet another change when 29 she decided to take a year off. A high school friend, Sally Snyder, had a sis-30 ter living in Cambridge, Massachusetts, the culturally vibrant and color-31 ful home of Harvard University. Sally, who hadn’t gone on to college, 32 proposed that they move there for a year. It was the way out that Laura 33 had been looking for. She quickly agreed to go. 34 Sally and Laura rented an apartment in the neighboring town of 35 S Somerville, just a subway stop on the Red Line from the jobs they found in 36 R Harvard Square. Sally took a job at a clothing store, while Laura began to 2 3 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 235 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y waitress. She worked the three-to-ten shift at a restaurant called The 1 Alps, serving large portions of heavy food drenched in melted cheese. Most 2 of the people she waited on barely registered. There was one, however, 3 who from the first made a distinct impression. It wasn’t just that he was 4 good-looking, though he happened to be. What struck her most was how 5 polite he was. He seemed to notice things. 6 The first night he came in, she’d had a difficult table of three. The food 7 wasn’t right; they were waiting too long. All they did was complain. When 8 she reached the new diner’s table, she was out of breath. When she apolo-9 gized for the delay, he told her not to worry. �śI saw how they were acting,” 10 he said, with a flick of the head toward the table. Later that night, back at 11 home, she’d found herself thinking of him. When he didn’t come in for the 12 rest of the week, she was disappointed. Then, suddenly, he was back, sit-13 ting at the same table. His face lit up when he saw her. �śIt’s good to see 14 you,” he said. When she brought his check at the end of the meal, he asked 15 her to have a drink. 16 Over beers at the Wursthaus a few blocks away, he introduced himself. 17 His name was Steven Gage. He’d grown up in Nashville and gone to 18 school at the University of Tennessee. Now he planned to attend law 19 school. Harvard was his first choice. 20 21 A scraping sound. He put down the book, turned off the small 22 flashlight. Peering through the slats of the tree house, he looked 23 across the street. Except for the yellow front porch light, her 24 house was totally dark. Had the sound come from somewhere 25 else? Or had he imagined it? He’d come here every night this 26 week, hoping he might see her. Perhaps the frustration of these 27 endless hours was acting on his perceptions. 28 He looked at the illuminated dial on his watch: 11:53 p.m. 29 Then he thought of another watch, pulled from a slender wrist. 30 The image calmed him slightly. He felt his spirits lift. 31 Time is fair, he told himself. In the end, time is fair. 32 In that instant, he heard it again. This time, he wasn’t mis-33 taken. But it wasn’t coming from her window. It was farther to 34 the right. A head popped out of this second window and looked S 35 from side to side. Anna. It was Anna. What was she going to do? R 36 2 3 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 236 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Fascinated, he watched her, waiting for what came next. But 2 after a moment, she ducked inside and all was still again. Was it 3 over? Was that it? His eyes stayed glued to the house. 4 Then the front door was opening. A small figure emerged. 5 Anna stepped down off the porch and ran across the street. His 6 heart leapt into his throat. She was heading straight for him! But 7 she stopped directly under the tree house, stood there silently. As 8 if she were waiting for something to happen. As if she were wait-9 ing for someone. She was standing right beneath him. He could 10 hardly breathe. 11 Another door was opening, but this time the sound came from 12 the house below. A second child walked into the night. If it 13 wasn’t little Henry Creighton. The boy walked straight to Anna. 14 From his perch in the tree house, he heard their whispers, though 15 he couldn’t make out the words. Then, just moments later, they 16 were walking down the street. He hadn’t noticed it before, but 17 Anna had a backpack. Running away! It came to him. That’s 18 what they were doing. At that same time, another idea burst full-19 blown into his mind. He’d planned to kill Laura Seton, but why 20 not kill her child? 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2 3 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 237 Sunday–Monday, May 14–15 Th e desk lamp pooled yellow light on the black-and-white 1 pages of her book. Callie was taking notes. She’d put on her Sony 2 Walkman, and strains of Vivaldi added to her sense of calm. For 3 a time, she was free of pressing concerns, lost in the world of 4 thought. 5 Her pen moved across the paper, slowly, and then faster. She 6 was putting together an outline for her paper on unconscious 7 transference, having finally decided to focus on the issue of eye-8 witness testimony. The idea had come from the two case studies 9 that surfaced again and again: the psychologist mistakenly ac-10 cused of rape and the unfortunate ticket buyer. Both victims of 11 mistaken eyewitness identification. She’d decided to search for 12 more recent examples, to try to catalogue them. Her paper would 13 start off with the classic cases, then move to her own research. 14 The cassette clicked off. Callie was surprised when she glanced 15 at her watch to see that it was almost 1 a.m. She pulled off her 16 headphones. Silence. By now Anna was asleep. As she gathered 17 up the scattered papers on her desk, she scanned what she’d writ-18 ten. She’d put in a solid effort tonight, and she felt good about 19 that. Despite everything that was happening, she’d reclaimed a 20 small part of her life. 21 In her bathroom, she washed her face and patted it dry, 22 squeezed out toothpaste, and began to brush. The faint taste of 23 old coffee was washed away by a gust of mint. Once she’d finished 24 brushing, she flossed, then put cream on her face. As her fingers 25 massaged the skin of her cheeks, her eyes studied the mirror. It S 26 had been a while since she’d really looked at herself, and what R 27 2 3 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 238 A M Y G U T M A N 1 she saw was disturbing. There was a tension in the muscles of her 2 face that hadn’t been there before, a deep furrow between her 3 eyes, a tightness around the mouth. These weren’t the ordinary 4 marks of age, but a sign of something wrong. The well-being 5 she’d felt just moments ago flickered and was gone. She’d 6 thought her anxiety was under control, but her face told her she 7 was wrong. And it wasn’t just her physical self, it was also her be-8 havior. Her mind flashed back to earlier, to how she’d snapped at 9 Anna. 10 She turned off her bathroom light and went through her room 11 toward Anna’s. She didn’t want to wake her up, just to look at 12 her. In the hallway she left the light off, so Anna’s room would 13 stay dark. Then, gently, she turned the handle and cracked open 14 the door. The hinges gave a faint squeak, but the lump in the bed 15 was still. 16 Callie stood on the threshold for a couple of seconds, waiting 17 to see if Anna would move. But Anna appeared to be sleeping 18 soundly. Callie crept toward the bed. There were dim piles of 19 blankets and sheets, a few stuffed animals. Callie leaned forward, 20 searching for Anna’s head. She reached out and touched a knot 21 of blankets. The fabric gave way beneath her hand. She touched 22 another part of the bed. Again there was no resistance. In a sin-23 gle gesture, she swept back the blankets. Nothing, no one was 24 there. 25 She jumped up and ran from the room, looked into the hallway 26 bath. The door was open. The room was dark. 27 Anna wasn’t there. 28 �śAnna?” Callie called softly. And then more loudly. �śAnna?” 29 Maybe she’d gone downstairs. Maybe she’d woken up hungry, 30 wanted something to eat. 31 Callie bounded down the stairs, taking two steps at a time. 32 �śAnna?” she called again, as she flipped on the light in the 33 kitchen. The familiar room jumped out at her, but Anna wasn’t 34 down here either. 35 S Callie raced through the house, calling Anna’s name. A hole 36 R was growing in her chest, deep and black and wide. This can’t be 2 3 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 239 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y happening, she told herself. There has to be some mistake. She ran 1 back upstairs to Anna’s room and rubbed her arms across the 2 empty bed, threw open the closet door and pushed aside rows of 3 clothes. On hands and knees, she looked under the bed: some 4 books, a jigsaw puzzle. Standing up, she pressed her hands to her 5 mouth. 6 Think, Callie, think. 7 She ran downstairs to the basement and scanned the concrete 8 room. But, thank God, there was nothing unusual, no sign of 9 anything wrong. Shelves lined with paint cans and storage boxes. 10 A laundry basket filled with sheets. Crossing the floor to the fur-11 nace room, Callie flung open the door. No sign of Anna there ei-12 ther. She headed back upstairs. 13 She didn’t know the number for the police department and 14 had to look it up. Her fingers felt large and clumsy, barely a part 15 of her. Twice she punched in the wrong number and had to start 16 again. 17 When she finally managed to dial correctly, the phone rang 18 twice. 19 A male voice answered. �śMerritt Police Department.” 20 Something clicked inside her. 21 Anna was really gone. 22 She began to shake uncontrollably. �śMy daughter, she . . . 23 she’s missing.” 24 25 h 26 There was a bus to Boston at four in the morning. They were go-27 ing to be on it. By the time their parents started looking for them, 28 they’d already be gone. �śBut what if they call the bus station?” 29 Anna had asked Henry. Henry had said it wasn’t a problem. No 30 one would be awake. 31 But first they had to get to the bus. That was the first step. So 32 far, they’d been walking about half an hour. Anna’s feet were get-33 ting sore. 34 �śHow much farther is it?” she asked Henry. S 35 Henry shrugged. �śA couple of miles.” R 36 2 3 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 240 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Anna didn’t say anything. It sounded pretty far. 2 It was strange to be out so late at night, when everything in 3 town was quiet. Walking through the center of Merritt, they 4 hadn’t passed a single car. The stores were dark and shut tight. 5 The sky was full of stars. The yellow cat that lived in the book-6 store slept in the plate-glass window. His name was Sebastian, 7 and looking at him, Anna felt a little sad. �śGood-bye, Sebastian,” 8 she whispered. Softly, so Henry wouldn’t hear. 9 Now they were walking down Old Kipps Road, the street with 10 the shopping malls. They walked past Staples and Wal-Mart, to-11 ward the Stop & Shop. In her backpack, Anna had two peanut 12 butter sandwiches, two apples, three oranges, and some Oreos. 13 She also had two changes of clothes and fifty-seven dollars. Henry 14 had ninety-four dollars. With all that money, they could get to 15 the city, buy some food, go to the movies. Henry said there were 16 places to sleep for kids who ran away. Anna thought they’d have 17 to call your parents, but Henry said they wouldn’t. 18 She might have asked more questions if she’d really cared that 19 much. But the thing was, she didn’t want to run away forever, just 20 long enough to make a point. Long enough for her mom to see 21 that she was really, really mad. For Henry, it was different. He 22 wanted to leave for good. That was because his parents never, 23 ever listened to him. All they cared about were his grades, about 24 how smart he was. For her, it was more complicated because her 25 mom used to care. Back when it was just the two of them, before 26 she met Rick. 27 Just thinking about Rick Evans gave Anna a queasy feeling. 28 But even a couple of months ago, things hadn’t been so bad. 29 She’d hated it that Rick was there, but at least her mom had been 30 happy. Since Easter, though, things had changed, and she’d 31 started acting crazy. Like tonight, when she’d just barged in and 32 said that Anna had to go to Indianapolis. If it hadn’t been for 33 that, well, maybe she’d have stayed. Even though Henry had 34 been bugging her, she hadn’t made up her mind. But the idea that 35 S she could be sent away �" that had been the last straw. Her 36 R mother wanted her gone? Fine. She’d take care of that herself. 2 4 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 241 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y A stone caught in Anna’s tennis shoe, and she reached down 1 to get it out. As she did, a car wheeled around the corner, and 2 lights flashed in her eyes. Henry had already jumped back. �śGet 3 out of the light,” he hissed. 4 But Anna had one foot in the air, her canvas shoe in her hand. 5 As the car slowed down, she started to move, but something held 6 her back. She realized that a part of her was hoping that someone 7 had found them. Now that they were really running away, it all 8 seemed a little scary. With every step away from home, she felt 9 more and more doubtful. That was why she kept standing there. 10 She wanted someone to find them. 11 The driver stopped the car just a few yards away. He was lean-12 ing across the front seat, opening the passenger door. It was 13 spring, but he was wearing winter clothes, a ski hat and a scarf. 14 He had a beard, a bushy one, like someone in a cartoon. 15 He said something then, real soft, but Anna couldn’t hear him. 16 She stepped up a little closer, not sure what she wanted to do. 17 Henry wasn’t where she could see; he was probably hiding now. 18 He was going to be mad that she’d messed up everything. But 19 right now, she just didn’t care. She wanted to be back home. 20 The driver was sliding across the seat, getting out of the car. As 21 he moved closer, Anna stepped back. Suddenly, she was afraid. 22 Why wasn’t he talking to her? And why did he look so weird? 23 Then, without warning, he lunged toward her, grabbing hold of 24 her jacket. But before he got a firm grip on her, Anna tore away. 25 She started to run �" hard, fast �" faster than ever before. Her 26 feet pounded the pavement, and she started screaming, �śHelp!” 27 Strong arms grabbed her, picked her up, swooped her into the 28 air. Squirming, fighting, she looked for Henry. A piece of cloth 29 covered her face. It was wet and smelled bad. She tried to push 30 it away. But she couldn’t get her hands to move, and then she 31 didn’t care. 32 33 h 34 �śWhen did you last see your daughter?” S 35 The detective was wearing a black T-shirt that showed his R 36 2 4 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 242 A M Y G U T M A N 1 muscled arms. On his left bicep he had a tattoo, a long, winding 2 vine with flowers. He’d explained to Callie that he’d just been 3 pulled off an undercover job. Still, his appearance only added to 4 her sense of dislocation. 5 �śIt must have been around nine o’clock. Anna was in bed. But 6 how could anyone have gotten in? Her room’s on the second 7 floor.” 8 Anguished, Callie looked at him, twisting her hands in her lap. 9 �śSo far, we don’t see any sign that someone broke into the 10 house. Do you think your daughter might have run away?” 11 Callie stared at him. �śI guess . . . I guess it’s possible.” It hadn’t 12 even occurred to her, but maybe he was right. �śWe had a sort of 13 argument about visiting her grandparents this summer. She 14 didn’t want to go. I told her it wasn’t her choice.” 15 �śYou know, despite all the publicity, kidnappings are still quite 16 rare.” 17 For the first time since Anna had disappeared, Callie felt a ray 18 of hope. Maybe Anna had left on her own. They’d find her and 19 bring her back. 20 Across from her sat the detective, whose name was Jeffrey 21 Knight. Next to him was a policewoman, the first officer to ar-22 rive. Officer Parillo �" that was her name �" wore a standard 23 blue uniform. She had short, dark hair, an athletic build, and was 24 probably in her twenties. 25 �śSo she was pretty upset?” asked Knight. 26 �śYes,” Callie said. 27 �śWhat did she say exactly?” 28 �śJust that she didn’t want to go. She said I couldn’t make her.” 29 �śHas she ever run away before? Or threatened to run away?” 30 Callie shook her head. �śNo. She never has.” 31 �śWhat sort of relationship do you have?” 32 �śIt . . . it used to be better. This year has been difficult. I started 33 dating someone this fall �" Rick Evans, you probably know him.” 34 �śSure. We both know Rick.” A flicker of surprise in Knight’s 35 S voice, a subtle change of tone. 36 R 2 4 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 243 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śRick’s out of town,” Callie said. �śHis father’s been quite ill.” 1 She wasn’t sure why she said this, and Knight didn’t respond. 2 �śDid you hear anything?” Knight asked her. �śAny sounds from 3 Anna’s room?” 4 Again, Callie shook her head. �śNo, nothing,” she said. �śBut I 5 had my Walkman on. I was listening to music.” 6 From upstairs, Callie heard the footsteps and voices of two 7 more detectives. She wondered what they’d found so far. She 8 wanted to be up there with them. 9 Her eyes drifted around the kitchen, barely focusing. The dry-10 ing dishes. The clean counters. The knives in the wooden block. 11 The most dangerous room in the house. That’s what Rick had called 12 it. Suddenly, she missed him desperately. She wanted him here 13 with her. 14 �śWho are your daughter’s closest friends? Is there someone she 15 might have talked to?” 16 Of course. Why hadn’t she thought of that? �śHenry Creighton,” 17 she said. �śIf Anna talked to anyone, it would be him. He lives 18 right across the street.” 19 �śD’you have the number?” Knight asked. 20 �śRight there. Beside the phone.” 21 Knight pulled out a cell phone. 22 �śYou can use ours,” said Callie. 23 �śThanks, but I’d rather not. I don’t want to disturb the scene.” 24 The scene. Knight’s offhand use of the word sent a chill 25 through Callie. For an instant, she saw her house, her home, 26 through completely different eyes. 27 Knight had already punched in the number and was waiting 28 for someone to answer. After what seemed like forever, he finally 29 started to talk. 30 �śMa’am, I’m sorry to disturb you, but I’m calling from the Mer-31 ritt Police Department. . . . What? . . . No, it’s not about your 32 husband. It’s about your neighbor, Callie Thayer. Her little girl is 33 missing. I know it’s late, but we need to talk to your son.” 34 Another pause. S 35 R 36 2 4 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 244 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śWe’ll be right over. . . . Yes, of course I will.” 2 When he hung up, he looked at Callie. �śThat was the mother.” 3 �śMimi.” 4 �śShe said to tell you to stay calm, that everything will be okay.” 5 Easy for her to say. �śListen,” �" Callie was talking fast, thoughts 6 racing through her mind �" �śthere are some things I have to tell 7 you. They might be relevant. Someone has been threatening me. 8 Well, not threatening exactly. Oh, this is complicated, but �"” 9 The phone rang suddenly, sharply. Callie’s heart leapt. �śOh, 10 my God, maybe it’s Anna. Maybe she’s �"” 11 But before she could reach the phone, Knight had picked up. 12 For the first time, Callie noticed that he was wearing plastic 13 gloves. 14 �śIs it Anna?” Callie demanded, her eyes glued to the detec-15 tive’s face. 16 Knight didn’t seem to hear her. 17 From where she sat, Callie heard frantic speech from the other 18 end of the line. 19 �śWho is it?” Callie asked. �śPlease. I have to know.” 20 Knight raised his hand, as if to push her back. 21 �śWe’ll be right over,” he said, and then hung up the phone. 22 �śWhat is it? What happened?” Callie asked. Her heart tore 23 through her chest. 24 Standing up, Knight looked at her. �śHenry’s missing too.” 25 h 26 27 When Anna woke up, everything was dark. She didn’t know 28 where she was. She’d been running away with Henry, and then 29 something bad had happened. All she wanted now was to go 30 home, to be back with her mother. 31 Where was she, anyway? She tried to sit up, but she couldn’t 32 move. Her hands and feet were tied together. Now she was really 33 scared. 34 She tried to yell, to scream loud, but something was stuffed in 35 S her mouth. 36 R Rolling her head from side to side, she tried to see around her. 2 4 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 245 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Slowly, her eyes grew used to the dark, and shapes started coming 1 clear. She was lying on a mattress on the floor. The floor was 2 made of concrete. There were piles of boxes off to one side. She 3 saw a washer and dryer. A basement. That’s where she was. She 4 was in somebody’s basement. 5 She heard something, a squeaking sound, a door swinging open. 6 A slice of light fell across her face. Anna squinted toward it. 7 Then she heard the sound of footsteps moving down the stairs. 8 The sound seemed to go on forever, coming closer and closer. Fi-9 nally, there was a different sound, as feet landed on the floor. But 10 still they were moving closer, and then she saw two legs. She 11 rolled her head back a little farther, looked up into a face. It was 12 him. The man with the beard. She felt herself start to shake. 13 When he crouched down beside her, she saw that he held a 14 package of panty hose. He worked with the seal for a couple of 15 seconds, then ripped open the packet. From inside, he pulled out 16 the stockings. They were rolled in a small black ball. Was he go-17 ing to ask her to put them on? She felt a leap of hope. If he did, 18 he’d have to untie her. She’d kick him and start to run. 19 But once he shook out the stretchy black legs, he just folded 20 them together. Grabbing one side in either hand, he pulled them 21 back and forth. 22 23 h 24 It had been hours. It had been forever. The night would never end. 25 Callie slumped at the kitchen table. Across from her, manning 26 a control panel, sat a state police technician. He’d set up equip-27 ment to trace and record incoming phone calls. Beside her, Offi-28 cer Parillo was knitting, something in pale blue yarn. 29 Upstairs, Callie heard footsteps, heavy and alien. Detective 30 Knight and two colleagues still moving through the house. She’d 31 been wearing a bathrobe when the police arrived, but they hadn’t 32 let her leave the kitchen. The jeans and sweater she was wearing 33 now had been brought to her by Parillo. 34 Again, Callie glanced at her watch. Just a few minutes had S 35 passed. The last time, it had been 3:22. Now it was 3:37. R 36 2 4 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 246 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Callie turned to Parillo. �śWhy’s it taking so long? They’re just 2 children, just little kids. How far can they have gone?” 3 Parillo gave Callie a compassionate look. �śThey’re doing all 4 they can.” 5 �śLike what?” Callie demanded. �śWhat exactly, I mean?” 6 �śThey’re doing surveillance by helicopter. The state police are 7 involved. There’s an alert on the regional radio network and 8 they’ve brought in the tracking dogs. It’s great you found that re-9 cent picture of Anna. Everyone has a copy.” 10 The state police technician with the tracing equipment had an 11 air of intense focus. As he took a sip of coffee from a paper cup, 12 Callie caught his eye. �śDoes someone usually call?” she asked. 13 She didn’t remember his name. 14 �śI can’t say anything’s usual, ma’am. Each situation’s different.” 15 �śAt least they’re together,” Callie murmured. �śAt least there 16 are two of them.” She wasn’t really talking to them. She was talk-17 ing to herself. 18 The beeper on Parillo’s belt went off. She grabbed her cell 19 phone and punched a number. �śNancy Parillo,” she said. 20 It was torture for Callie to watch her face, not able to hear 21 what was being said. Every cell in Callie’s body clamored for in-22 formation. 23 When Parillo finally hung up the phone, she didn’t say any-24 thing. She stood up from her chair and crouched by Callie, tak-25 ing hold of her hands. 26 �śWhat?” Callie said. She felt herself start to tremble. 27 Parillo looked straight into her eyes. �śHenry Creighton just got 28 home.” 29 �śAnd Anna? What about Anna?” 30 Parillo squeezed her hands. 31 �śNow, Callie, I want you to remember. We don’t know any-32 thing yet. We don’t know if Henry is telling the truth. Do you un-33 derstand what I’m saying?” 34 Callie nodded mutely. Fear bloomed in her heart. 35 S �śThe first part is like what we thought. They ran away to-36 R gether. The plan was to take a bus to Boston sometime early this 2 4 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 247 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y morning. Now, again, I want you to remember that none of this 1 is confirmed.” 2 �śPlease. Just tell me.” Callie’s voice was pleading. 3 �śOkay.” Parillo’s grip tightened. �śHenry claims that they were 4 walking down Old Kipps Road when a car pulled up beside them. 5 Henry says the man who was driving the car snatched Anna and 6 drove off.” 7 Callie stared at Parillo. Suddenly, she was dizzy. Without warn-8 ing, her stomach heaved. She threw up on the floor. 9 Through a haze, she heard Parillo get up and go for some paper 10 towels. Then Parillo was back beside her, mopping up the mess. 11 �śYou shouldn’t be doing that,” Callie murmured. 12 �śIt’s fine,” Parillo said. 13 Upstairs, a door swung shut. Callie heard men’s voices. 14 �śWhen does Henry say that this happened?” Callie’s voice was 15 low. 16 Parillo dumped the towels in the trash, then sat back down. 17 �śHe’s not sure exactly. He says they met at midnight and then 18 started to walk. I’d think it would have taken them at least an 19 hour to make it to Old Kipps Road, another half hour or so to get 20 to the Hicks Plaza mall. That’s where he says it happened. Right 21 across from there.” 22 Callie’s head jerked up. �śBut that’s . . . that’s hours ago. If they 23 met at midnight and this, this thing happens at, say, one-thirty, 24 two �" that’s two hours ago. Where’s he been since then? Why’s 25 he just getting home?” 26 �śI’m sure they’re asking him that.” 27 �śBut why are they spending time with Henry? Why isn’t every-28 one out looking for Anna and the man who kidnapped her?” 29 �śThe man who Henry says kidnapped her.” 30 �śYou . . . you don’t believe Henry?” 31 �śWe don’t know whether to believe him or not. That’s why 32 we’re talking to him.” 33 �śBut if he’s not telling the truth, then what �"” Suddenly, Cal-34 lie got it. �śYou think Henry could have something to do with S 35 this?” R 36 2 4 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 248 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śWe don’t know anything for sure yet. We’re gathering infor-2 mation.” 3 �śBut why would he �"” Callie stopped. Parillo didn’t know 4 Henry. She, on the other hand, did. She’d seen him with Anna 5 dozens of times, watched their interactions. She couldn’t imagine 6 Henry hurting Anna. At least not on purpose. 7 �śI need to go across the street,” Callie said. �śI have to talk to 8 Henry.” 9 Parillo touched her shoulder. �śThat’s not a good idea,” she 10 said. �śTime is important here. The detectives know the questions 11 to ask. They need to be efficient.” 12 Callie was about to argue when something in her collapsed. At 13 this point, she didn’t trust her judgment. Maybe Parillo was right. 14 Everything was too much. She wondered if she’d survive this. 15 The desperation over Anna, the guilt over her own behavior. If 16 only she’d heard Anna out, if only she hadn’t snapped. She had 17 no doubt that their argument had sparked Anna’s flight. What-18 ever happened next, she was responsible. Just like before, only 19 worse this time because now it was her daughter. 20 Someone was at the front door, talking to the officer stationed 21 there. Seconds later, he was coming toward them through the 22 kitchen doorway. Tall. Black hair. Piercing eyes. She recognized 23 Lieutenant Lambert. 24 �śHello, Ms. Thayer. We’ve met before.” 25 �śWhat . . . what are you doing here?” 26 �śI wear several hats,” he explained. �śI handle gun licenses, but 27 I’m also chief of detectives.” 28 As he spoke, he was pulling up a chair. His eyes didn’t stray 29 from her face. �śWhen you came to see me, you had just applied 30 for a gun license for self-protection. Now your daughter’s missing. 31 Is there some connection here?” 32 Dread was moving over her like a slow-moving fog. He’s right, 33 she thought. He’s right. Everything fits together. She tried to speak, 34 but her mouth wouldn’t move; she couldn’t talk at all. It was like 35 S some sort of strange dream where she’d suddenly been struck 36 R 2 4 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 249 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y mute. But she had to tell them about Diane, about the watch and 1 the note. She had to tell them about the flowers, the roses red as 2 blood. 3 �śCallie?” she heard Parillo say. �śCallie, are you okay?” 4 Again, she tried to move her lips, and this time something 5 shifted. 6 �śSteven Gage,” she whispered. 7 Lambert looked at her. �śSteven Gage. You mean, the serial 8 killer?” 9 Callie nodded twice. 10 �śSteven Gage is dead,” said Lambert. He might have been 11 talking to a child. 12 �śI know he’s dead,” said Callie. �śThat’s . . . that’s not what I 13 mean.” 14 It was so hard to talk, so hard to explain, so hard to find the be-15 ginning. Thoughts blew through her mind like drifts of snow, 16 burying the words. All that effort for so many years, and this is 17 where it ended. Deep in her brain, she heard something. Steven 18 Gage was laughing. Then anger �" rage �" flared up in her. The 19 words began to flow. 20 �śFor four years I was Steven Gage’s girlfriend. I went by the 21 name of Laura Seton. Thayer’s my married name. I moved to 22 Merritt about seven years ago to try to start a new life. No one 23 here knows about my past. I didn’t tell anyone. 24 �śLast month, on April fifth, someone left a letter at my home. 25 April fifth, that’s the date of Steven’s execution. The letter just 26 said �ŚHappy Anniversary, Rosamund. I haven’t forgotten you.’ 27 There wasn’t a signature. Rosamund �" that was a sort of pet 28 name that Steven called me sometimes. It was a few weeks later 29 that my daughter found a watch hidden in a basket at our neigh-30 borhood Easter egg hunt. Now, I’m the one who’d hidden the bas-31 ket, but I certainly hadn’t put the watch there. Later, I discovered 32 that the watch had belonged to a writer named Diane Massey.” 33 �śThe woman who was murdered in Maine?” 34 �śYes. That’s right. She’d written a book about Steven. I . . . I S 35 R 36 2 4 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 250 A M Y G U T M A N 1 helped her write it. And before Diane was killed, I think that she 2 got a letter too. And then just the other day, I got home and 3 found a box of roses. Just lying there on my front porch. Steven 4 used to send me roses.” 5 She was trying so very hard to be clear, but everything was 6 jumbled. She couldn’t seem to get the story straight, to tell the 7 events in order. Lambert was eyeing her warily, not saying much. 8 As she watched his face, she had a sense that he might not even 9 believe her. 10 �śLook,” she said urgently. �śI know it sounds crazy, but there are 11 people who know I’m telling you the truth. A man named Mike 12 Jamison. He used to be with the FBI. Or call the Maine state po-13 lice. I’ve talked to them as well. But please, you have to find 14 Anna first. Please. You have to find her.” 15 �śMike Jamison,” Lambert said thoughtfully. �śThe FBI profiler?” 16 Wiping her eyes, Callie nodded. The tears just kept coming. 17 �śYou have a way to get in touch with him?” 18 �śYes. Yes, I think so.” 19 Callie rummaged through her purse until she found her Filo-20 fax. She flipped to the J’s, where, as she recalled, she’d penciled in 21 Jamison’s number. She read it off to Lambert. Parillo wrote it 22 down. 23 �śCall Sheenan. Tell him to follow up on that,” Lambert in-24 structed Parillo. 25 Parillo headed to the hallway, pulling out her cell phone. 26 �śThis note, the watch �" do you have any thoughts about who 27 might have left them?” 28 Callie looked at the table. �śI . . . I don’t know.” 29 Lambert gave her a sharp-eyed look. �śNo idea at all?” 30 She didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to think it. The fear was 31 overpowering. But she knew she had to tell him. She didn’t have 32 a choice. �śI keep thinking of Lester Crain,” she said, still staring 33 down. �śJamison says that it couldn’t be him. The Maine police 34 agree. But he’s the one I keep thinking of. I can’t get him out of 35 S my mind.” 36 R 2 5 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 251 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y She waited for Lambert to fall in line, to tell her it couldn’t be 1 Crain. Instead, he paused, thinking. 2 �śLester Crain. That’s the guy who escaped from prison? Down 3 in Tennessee.” 4 Wrapping her arms around her stomach, Callie doubled over. 5 Anna’s face floated through her mind. She heard her calling, 6 �śMommy!” She started to rock back and forth, trying to ease the 7 pain. 8 Parillo came back into the room. Callie heard her say, �śWhat 9 happened?” 10 �śOkay, now, Ms. Thayer. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be 11 okay.” There was a gentleness in Lambert’s voice that Callie 12 hadn’t heard before. But she felt like she was drowning and 13 couldn’t get up for air. She could see Lambert, see Parillo, off in 14 some other world. She wanted to reach out, to talk to them, but 15 a tide kept pulling her back. 16 She wasn’t sure how long it took for the feeling to recede. She 17 forced herself to start talking again, to say what they needed to 18 know. 19 �śLester Crain and Steven were on death row together. Steven 20 had taught himself criminal law, and he helped out the other in-21 mates. After he helped Crain get a new trial, Crain held a press 22 conference. He said �"” Callie stopped for a moment, then the 23 words came out in a rush. �śHe promised that he’d pay Steven 24 back, find a way to thank him.” 25 When she’d finished, her whole body sagged. She began to sob. 26 �śBut why would he take Anna? Why? What did she do to him?” 27 Lambert’s voice was soothing. �śThere’s nothing that you’ve 28 told me so far to convince me that he did. This is just a theory, 29 Ms. Thayer. There’s no evidence for it.” 30 �śBut . . . but there’s more. The women who’ve been targeted �" 31 me, Diane, and another woman, a lawyer in New York �" all of us 32 let Steven down. Betrayed him in a way.” 33 �śSo you think Crain is . . . trying to avenge his death?” 34 Somehow, when Lambert said it, the idea did sound far-S 35 R 36 2 5 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 252 A M Y G U T M A N 1 fetched. But it wasn’t like they had other suspects. Or any other 2 theories. 3 Despairing, Callie looked at Lambert. �śPlease, go help them 4 find her. Don’t stay here with me.” 5 �śMs. Thayer, we’re doing everything we can. And remember, 6 we don’t even know for sure that Anna was really kidnapped. 7 The detectives are still talking to Henry, checking out his story. 8 She could even be hiding somewhere. We still just don’t know.” 9 �śYou think so?” Callie’s heart leapt. She had a sudden thought. 10 �śHave you searched the Creightons’ house? Because maybe she’s 11 just hiding there somewhere, in the basement or the attic. Or . . . 12 they have this tree house! The kids love to play there. Maybe 13 she’s afraid to come home now. Maybe she’s hiding there.” 14 Lambert said, �śThe house and periphery have been thoroughly 15 searched, but I’ll check back on the tree house.” 16 He’d pulled his chair closer. As he leaned forward, clasping his 17 hands, their knees almost touched. 18 �śOkay, now, Ms. Thayer, if you could just work with me for an-19 other few minutes. Is there anyone else who might have some 20 reason to abduct your daughter? What about Anna’s father? Has 21 custody been disputed?” 22 Callie shifted uncomfortably, twisting her hands again. �śNo, 23 nothing like that. When Kevin and I divorced, we agreed that I’d 24 raise Anna myself. He’s remarried now, with children. I recently 25 asked him if he’d consider seeing Anna. He thought about it and 26 said no.” 27 �śWhat sort of relationship do you have with him?” 28 �śI wouldn’t say it’s good. But that has nothing to do with Anna.” 29 �śWhere does he live?” 30 �śChicago.” 31 �śHis full name?” 32 �śKevin Thayer.” 33 �śDo you have an address and phone number?” 34 �śLook,” Callie said impatiently. �śBelieve me. It’s not him.” But 35 S then, just as she spoke, she had a glimmer of doubt. He’d been so 36 R angry the last time they’d talked, far angrier than she’d expected. 2 5 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 253 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y When she’d first called, he’d been out of town. Where had he 1 been? she wondered. 2 �śI understand what you’re saying, but we still need to contact 3 him.” 4 �śHe’s listed,” Callie said. �śKevin Thayer. Just check Chicago 5 information.” 6 �śHave you seen him recently?” 7 �śNo, not for at least six years.” 8 �śWhat about conversations? How often do you talk to him?” 9 �śWhen I called him about Anna last month, it was the first 10 time we’d talked in years.” 11 �śWhen was that?” 12 �śI’m not sure exactly.” 13 �śBefore or after Diane Massey was killed?” 14 �śI . . . think it was around that time. Right before or after.” 15 Lambert took a beat to think before moving on. �śOkay. Now, 16 the note and watch �" both of them were left right outside your 17 house. Have you noticed anyone �" friends, neighbors �" behav-18 ing oddly lately?” 19 Faces flashed through Callie’s mind, and then one jumped out 20 from the rest. �śNathan Lacoste,” she said abruptly. �śHe’s a stu-21 dent at Windham. We have a class together. He’s always been 22 strange around me, but lately he’s gotten worse.” 23 �śStrange in what way?” 24 �śWell, it’s like he’s sort of obsessed with me. He drops by the 25 office. Calls me at home. I finally told him to leave me alone. 26 He . . . he seemed upset.” 27 �śWhen did you have this conversation?” 28 Callie’s skin prickled. �śMaybe a week ago, in the Windham li-29 brary lounge. And . . . and there’s another thing too.” Her heart 30 was beating faster. �śI saw Nathan at the Easter egg hunt. He was 31 riding by on his bike. But . . . this is crazy. It couldn’t be Nathan. 32 I mean, he didn’t know. No one knows about Steven and me. No 33 one in Merritt, I mean.” 34 �śLacoste. How do you spell that?” S 35 She told him; he wrote it down. R 36 2 5 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 254 A M Y G U T M A N 1 When he’d finished, he looked back up at her. �śWhat about 2 Officer Evans?” 3 �śRick?” Callie stared at him. 4 �śDid you ever tell him about your past?” 5 She flushed. �śI told you. No one.” 6 But the sound of Rick’s name had triggered something, a deep, 7 painful yearning. She remembered that she was angry with him, 8 but she didn’t feel it now. It didn’t matter what had happened be-9 fore. She wanted him here with her. 10 �śRick’s at his parents’,” she said to Lambert. �śI need to talk to 11 him. Do you have the number someplace? I . . . I don’t have it 12 with me.” 13 Lambert and Parillo exchanged looks. 14 �śWhat?” Callie said. 15 �śOfficer Evans �"” Lambert stopped. �śWe’ll see what we can do.” 16 Callie was about to press further when Lambert’s cell phone rang. 17 �śExcuse me,” he said to Callie, as he pulled the phone from a 18 pocket. 19 He listened briefly, hunched in on himself. �śMy God. How 20 long ago?” 21 Callie’s heart felt like it might explode. �śWhat?” she said. 22 �śWhat is it?” 23 Parillo took hold of her shoulders. Callie twisted away. 24 �śGoddamn it, you’ve got to tell me.” She wasn’t keeping her 25 voice down. 26 Lambert, still clutching the phone, stood up and left the room. 27 Moments later, he was back. �śThat had nothing to do with 28 your daughter,” he said. �śI’m sorry to have upset you.” 29 From the doorway, he gestured to Parillo, who followed him 30 out to the hall. Callie heard them whisper, then, seconds later, 31 Parillo came back alone. 32 �śThe lieutenant had to leave,” she said. �śHe’ll be back a little 33 later.” 34 �śTell me what happened,” Callie said. �śWhat’s more important 35 S than Anna?” 36 R �śIt’s not more important,” Parillo said. �śIt’s just . . . he had to 2 5 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 255 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y go.” It was like a veil had fallen between them. The air had sub-1 tly changed. 2 She heard someone coming up the front steps, and Callie’s 3 stomach flipped. 4 �śI’ll see who it is,” Parillo said and quickly left the room. Cal-5 lie stood up to follow her, but Parillo was already back. 6 �śIt’s Officer Carver,” she said to Callie. �śHe wanted to check 7 on you.” 8 �śTod?” Callie said vaguely. �śHe’s here?” She’d hoped against 9 hope it was Anna. 10 �śShall I tell him you’re not up to visitors?” 11 �śNo, it’s okay. I’ll see him.” A chill was creeping over her. 12 Nothing really mattered. 13 Still, at the sight of Tod’s familiar face, something in Callie 14 melted. She thought of Tod’s daughter, Lilly, just two years 15 younger than Anna. If anyone could know what she was going 16 through, Tod would be the one. 17 Tod headed straight to where Callie sat. She stood up. They 18 embraced. 19 �śI’m so sorry,” he said softly, rocking her. She clung to his solid 20 warmth. 21 Callie had started to sob again, and Tod was patting her back. 22 �śWhere’s Rick?” he asked. �śWhy isn’t he here?” 23 She pulled back, wiping her eyes. �śHe’s out of town. At his par-24 ents’. Also, we . . . we had a fight. We’re not really speaking.” 25 �śForget about it,” Tod said roughly. �śHe’d want to know about 26 this.” 27 �śI don’t have a number for him.” Hopeful, Callie looked at 28 Tod. �śYou guys must have his cell number at least. He must have 29 left a way to reach him.” 30 �śWe’ve already called him,” Parillo said. 31 �śYou have?” Callie said. 32 Tod shot the policewoman a look. She gestured him to the 33 hallway. 34 When the two of them came back, Tod seemed uncomfortable. S 35 He was fiddling with something in a pocket. He didn’t look at her. R 36 2 5 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 256 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śGoddamn it!” Callie exploded. �śWhat is going on?” 2 Neither Tod nor the policewoman answered. Parillo studied 3 her hands. 4 Finally, Tod responded. �śCallie . . . he’s not there.” 5 �śNot there? Not where?” Callie asked. She didn’t get what he 6 meant. 7 �śRick’s not at his parents’,” Tod said. �śWe don’t know where 8 he is.” 9 �śYou mean he’s gone out?” Callie said. She still didn’t under-10 stand. 11 �śNo. He hasn’t been there. His father . . . he’s not sick.” 12 Callie stared at Tod. She couldn’t take this in. �śThen, 13 where . . . where is he?” 14 Tod looked at Parillo. This time she responded. �śWe don’t 15 know. We’ve left a number of messages. We’re waiting for him to 16 call back.” 17 It took another few seconds, then Callie grasped the truth. For 18 weeks �" months �" Rick had lied to her. The room seemed to 19 dance. 20 �śCallie,” she heard Tod saying. �śDon’t leap to conclusions.” 21 �śConclusions?” Callie said vaguely. The word had no meaning. 22 She had no idea why Rick would have lied, and she really didn’t 23 care. If things had been different, she’d have been angry, but she 24 had no feelings left. 25 For the next hour or so, no one said very much. It was four-26 thirty and then it was five. Tod left around five-thirty. 27 �śWhat about you?” Callie said to Parillo. �śWhen do you go 28 home?” 29 Parillo said, �śI’m not leaving.” 30 Callie met her eyes. �śThank you.” 31 Her mind was drifting back and forth between the past and 32 present. The distant past in Tennessee. The recent past of this 33 night. If only she could take back what she’d said just hours be-34 fore to Anna. But you didn’t get second chances. That was some-35 S thing she knew. 36 R 2 5 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 257 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Please God, she prayed. Please. Let her be safe. 1 And thought of all the other families who must have prayed 2 similar prayers. She thought of Dahlia’s brother on the TV news, 3 demanding Steven’s death. She asked herself if this was punish-4 ment for what she’d failed to do then. 5 She’d lapsed into a dreamlike stupor, when the telephone sud-6 denly shrilled. The kitchen was a blur of motion as they all 7 sprang to life. A click as the police tech, headphones on, busied 8 himself at the console. He looked at Callie, gave a short nod. She 9 picked up the receiver. 10 �śHello?” Callie could barely speak. 11 �śSweetheart. My God. I just heard.” 12 Absurdly, it took a split second to recognize Rick’s voice. 13 Without saying another word, she passed the phone to Parillo. 14 For a moment, she felt a fierce fury that he’d raised and dashed 15 her hopes. Then even that was gone, and she felt only despair. 16 �śShe’s doing okay,” Parillo was saying. �śUnder the circum-17 stances. . . . Listen, we have to keep the line free. . . . Sure. Okay. 18 I’ll tell her.” 19 When she’d hung up, Parillo turned to Callie. �śHe wanted you 20 to know that he’s coming home. He’ll be back by noon today.” 21 Callie stared at the blank white wall. �śIt’s too late,” she said. 22 23 h 24 The man kept talking and talking, but Anna didn’t understand. 25 He was talking about people she’d never heard of, terrible things 26 they’d done. Someone named Steven Gage, who he said had 27 killed people. A woman named Laura. He said she was Anna’s 28 mother. Anna wished he’d take the thing out of her mouth so 29 that she could explain. Her mother’s name was Caroline. They 30 called her Callie for short. 31 He was still holding the panty hose, twisting them in his fin-32 gers. He’d wind them around one of his hands and then around 33 the other. Now he was telling her he was sorry, that he knew it 34 wasn’t her fault. But because of what her mother �" what S 35 R 36 2 5 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 258 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Laura �" had done, he would have to kill her. He didn’t want to 2 kill her, he said, but he didn’t have a choice. 3 Yes you do, her mind screamed. I don’t want to die. Mommy, 4 please help me! Somebody find me here. 5 It was like a terrible nightmare. She just wanted to wake up. 6 But she could smell the damp, moldy basement, feel the cords on 7 her wrists. If only he would let her talk! If only she could explain! 8 She rolled her head from side to side, moved it up and down. She 9 tried to talk through the thing in her mouth, but the sounds she 10 made weren’t words. 11 The man was getting up on his knees now, leaning over her. 12 �śI’m sorry, Anna,” he said again. He even sounded sad. For a 13 second he sounded like someone she knew, but then that thought 14 was gone. 15 Leaning down toward her, he looped the panty hose around her 16 neck. When he lifted her head, she felt his hand, big and hot and 17 strong. This isn’t happening, she told herself. This isn’t happening. 18 One more loop around Anna’s neck, then he hunkered back. The 19 fabric scratched against Anna’s neck. He slowly pulled it tighter. 20 h 21 22 6:25 a.m. A numbness had settled over Callie as night gave way 23 to morning. Upstairs, she heard the flow of water. Parillo was tak-24 ing a shower. The state police technician, still manning the 25 phone, was reading a magazine. The crime scene processors had 26 packed up and left. The house was her own again. But the heavy 27 torpor that suffused her body kept her from getting up. 28 �śIt’s looking worse, isn’t it?” Callie said tonelessly. �śWith every 29 hour she goes missing, the chances are less that she’s okay.” 30 The technician looked up from his reading. �śIt’s only been six 31 hours,” he said. �śA little less, maybe.” He managed something 32 like a smile, but it didn’t seem convincing. 33 Callie buried her head in her hands. She couldn’t stop the im-34 ages from unrolling in her mind. They multiplied with frighten-35 S ing speed, the possibilities. She saw Anna raped, molested, 36 R 2 5 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 259 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y terrified, crying for help. Or maybe �" please, God, please, God, 1 no �" maybe she was dead. 2 Footsteps on the stairway. The water upstairs had stopped. Par-3 illo appeared in the kitchen doorway, her short, dark hair still 4 damp. Crossing the room, she touched Callie’s shoulder. �śYou 5 sure I can’t call anyone? Someone to come and be with you?” 6 Callie shook her head. 7 As Parillo sat down to resume her vigil, a car pulled up outside. 8 Instantly, Callie was on her feet moving toward the door. But it 9 was only Lambert and Knight. Knight was wearing a shirt and tie; 10 he’d dispensed with the undercover garb. Listlessly, Callie fol-11 lowed them into the living room. 12 �śMs. Thayer,” Lambert said, once they’d all sat down. �śI know 13 we’ve been through this before. But is there anyone else Anna 14 might have told she was planning to run away?” 15 Seated on the couch across from him, Callie had a sinking feel-16 ing. �śYou believe Henry’s story,” she said. �śYou believe she was 17 kidnapped.” She realized that she’d clung to the hope that they’d 18 find it wasn’t true, that just as Lambert had first speculated, Anna 19 was simply hiding. 20 �śWe’re exploring all the possibilities. But yes, I’m afraid that, 21 as best we can tell, Henry’s telling the truth.” 22 �śWhat did he say about the kidnapper? How did he describe 23 him?” 24 �śWe have a sketch artist with Henry now, working on a draw-25 ing. He described him as having a bushy beard, but that could be 26 a disguise.” 27 �śWhat about the car? Did Henry get the make or license 28 number?” 29 �śHe said it was a dark sedan, but that’s about all he remem-30 bered. He wasn’t sure of the color. Maybe dark blue or green.” 31 �śDid you ask Henry if he told anyone that they were running 32 away?” 33 �śHe said that he didn’t. He said that they’d sworn to each 34 other not to tell anyone.” S 35 R 36 2 5 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 260 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śSo what does that mean?” asked Callie. �śIf they didn’t tell 2 anyone, does that mean it was a stranger? Someone who just hap-3 pened to be there and saw the kids on the street?” 4 �śThat’s one possibility,” said Lambert. �śAnother is that some-5 one was watching.” 6 �śHave you talked to Nathan Lacoste?” 7 �śWe interviewed him early this morning. He let us search his 8 apartment, and we didn’t find anything suspicious. He says he 9 was home alone last night, that he got home around eleven.” 10 �śBut he doesn’t have an alibi?” 11 �śNo,” Lambert said. Just as he spoke, his beeper went off. He 12 glanced down. �śExcuse me.” He reached for his cell phone and 13 punched in numbers, got someone on the line. 14 Suddenly, Lambert was leaning forward, his whole body rigid. 15 Was it good or bad? She couldn’t tell. Her eyes raked his face. 16 �śWhen? . . . Are you sure? . . . Where is she now?” Lambert 17 looked up from the phone. �śThey’ve located a young girl who 18 claims to be your daughter. They found her up by the Stop and 19 Shop, alone in the parking lot. She’s a little confused, disori-20 ented. But the photo you gave us seems to match.” 21 �śOh, my God!” Callie choked. She started to laugh hysteri-22 cally, then suddenly she was crying. �śOh, my God,” she said 23 again. �śWhere is she? Is she okay?” 24 �śShe’s in a squad car now, on her way to the hospital.” 25 Callie looked at him, alarmed. �śThe hospital? What’s wrong?” 26 �śNothing’s wrong. She seems fine. But we just want to be sure. 27 A doctor will take a look at her, and then she can go home.” 28 Lambert was on the phone again. �śRight. I’m sure she will.” He 29 held out the cell phone to Callie. �śThey’re going to patch her 30 through now.” 31 �śPatch her �" you mean, I can talk to her? She’s . . . she’s there 32 now?” 33 Lambert was handing the receiver to her. She clutched it like 34 a lifeline. For a moment, she heard static and then a faint voice. 35 S �śMommy?” 36 R 2 6 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 261 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śAnna.” She could barely speak. �śSweetheart, are you okay?” 1 �śI . . . I think so.” 2 Callie couldn’t stop crying. Anna was safe! Alive! 3 �śMommy? There was this man, and he made me go with him. 4 He picked me up and put me in his car. He took me to a basement.” 5 Anna’s voice was eerily calm, like she was telling a story. 6 Tears streamed down Callie’s face. �śYou’re safe now,” she said. 7 �śWe need to get you over there,” Lambert whispered to Callie. 8 �śAnna? I’m on my way to meet you. I love you,” Callie said. 9 When Callie hung up, she looked at Lambert. �śThank you,” 10 she said. �śThank you.” 11 Everything had changed so quickly, she could hardly take it in. 12 The images that had tormented her were still seared on her brain. 13 Anna’s safe, she told herself. Anna’s safe. They’ve found her. But a 14 part of her wouldn’t believe it until they were face-to-face. 15 As they stood up, getting ready to go, Parillo gave Callie a 16 quick once-over. �śMaybe you want to brush your hair? Put on a 17 little makeup?” 18 Callie’s first reaction was impatience. Who cared how she 19 looked? Then she realized that Parillo wasn’t thinking of her. 20 Parillo was thinking of Anna. 21 �śI’ll do it in the car,” she said, as she headed to the door. 22 In the powdery reflection of a compact mirror, she seemed to 23 have aged ten years. There were deep violet circles under her 24 eyes, and her skin was a papery gray. Callie dragged a brush 25 through her hair, then tried to put on lipstick, but the car made a 26 sharp turn, throwing her off balance. With a finger, she wiped 27 away a reddish smudge. Good enough, she thought. 28 Just five minutes later, they reached the hospital. Pulling 29 around to a back entrance, they clambered out of the car. The air 30 was blue and luminous, smelling of flowers and dew. It was hard 31 to believe that, here outside, the world had gone on unchanged. 32 Callie walked to the end of the sidewalk. Her legs felt rubbery. 33 She stared down the main drag of the parking lot, to the busy 34 street beyond. S 35 R 36 2 6 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 262 A M Y G U T M A N 1 In the steady stream of morning traffic, a police cruiser came 2 into view. 3 �śThere! I see them. That must be them.” Callie grabbed Par-4 illo’s hand. 5 A light turned red. For an endless moment, the cruiser stopped. 6 When the light turned green, it moved forward. But not fast 7 enough. 8 It seemed to take an eternity for the cruiser finally to reach 9 them. As it turned into the parking lot, Callie was running for-10 ward. The car pulled up, the back door opened, and Anna tum-11 bled out. She looked unbearably small and thin, with wild, 12 unfocused eyes. 13 �śMommy!” she cried plaintively. 14 And flew into Callie’s arms. 15 h 16 17 He was trying to make sense of it, to figure out what had gone 18 wrong. He’d been so close, almost there, when something had 19 stopped him short. 20 Only time is fair. 21 He still believed that part. 22 So why hadn’t he gone through with it? Why hadn’t he killed 23 Anna? 24 Again, he went over it in his mind, putting the pieces together. 25 She’d been trying to talk to him, he could tell from the sounds 26 she made. He’d struggled to ignore the muffled cries as he calmly 27 spoke to her. He’d needed her to understand why he had to do 28 this. Still, at that point, he’d had no doubt that he would carry 29 through. 30 When he’d finished talking, he’d wrapped the stockings tightly 31 around her throat. Then, looking down, he’d met those huge 32 blue eyes. That was it, he realized now, the instant when every-33 thing changed. He’d wanted to see Laura in her, but he’d just 34 seen a little girl. 35 S A sudden flash of insight. 36 R He couldn’t kill a child. 2 6 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 263 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y If only he’d realized this before! So much effort wasted. It made 1 him sick to think of Laura’s relief at having her child back. He 2 who’d hoped to cause her only pain had now brought her joy. His 3 only comfort was in thinking about what he had planned for her. 4 5 h 6 Callie awoke in her own bed, Anna asleep in her arms. Light 7 glinted in from beneath drawn shades, the rays of a setting sun. 8 As she listened to Anna’s measured breathing, Callie snuggled 9 closer, inhaling the damp familiar smell of her daughter’s golden 10 skin. The hours they’d spent at the hospital seemed very far away, 11 like something they’d watched on television, not something 12 they’d lived. She’d held Anna in her lap while detectives talked 13 to her. Anna had answered their endless questions in a tone of 14 polite disinterest. No, the man hadn’t hurt her, hadn’t touched 15 her under her clothes. A medical exam confirmed that there was 16 no sign of sexual assault. 17 When Anna started talking about the black stockings, Callie 18 could hardly listen. Slowly, she’d stroked Anna’s hair, trying to 19 reassure her. 20 �śHe kept saying that my mother’s name was Laura, but I 21 couldn’t say anything. He had something inside my mouth. I 22 couldn’t talk at all. He acted like I was someone else, except that 23 he knew my name. He . . . he said he had to kill me. ’Cause of 24 something Laura did. Oh, yeah, and then he told me he was sorry. 25 I almost forgot that part.” 26 Anna burrowed deeper into Callie’s lap, as if she’d like to crawl 27 inside her. 28 �śDid he say exactly what your mother had done?” Lambert’s 29 voice was gentle. 30 �śNot my mother. Laura.” 31 �śThat’s right. Laura. Did he tell you what she’d done?” 32 �śNo . . . I don’t think so. Just that it was really bad.” 33 �śWhat else did he talk about? Did he say any other names?” 34 �śHe talked about someone named Steven. He was really mad S 35 at him.” R 36 2 6 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 264 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Lambert looked at Anna closely. �śWas he mad at Steven or 2 Laura?” 3 �śI’m not sure exactly. Maybe both of them. I can’t really re-4 member. I was really scared.” 5 Beneath her arms, Callie felt Anna’s body start to shiver. 6 �śDo you remember anything else he said?” Lambert was lean-7 ing closer. �śI know it’s hard to think about this, but we need you 8 to help us catch him.” 9 Anna shook her head. �śNo,” she whispered. �śThat’s all.” 10 The shivering was growing more pronounced. Callie couldn’t 11 take it. �śIsn’t this enough for now? Anna needs to rest.” 12 They were driven home in a squad car by a young, clean-cut 13 patrolman. As they turned off Main Street onto Linden Lane, he 14 slowed down a bit. �śWhen we get to your street, keep your head 15 down. Ignore the media.” 16 �śThe media?” Callie said faintly. 17 �śYes. You’ll see what I mean.” 18 As they neared the house, Callie saw them, reporters crowding 19 the street. They were holding notebooks and microphones, bat-20 tling for position. There were concrete barriers around her house, 21 TV trucks, and cameras. Overhead, Callie heard the swooping 22 roar of a news show’s helicopter. 23 One of the reporters saw them and started to run toward the 24 car. In an instant, the others were on his heels, and the race be-25 came a stampede. Faces and cameras jammed against the car’s 26 closed windows. Flashbulbs exploded in Callie’s eyes amid a bar-27 rage of questions. 28 �śIs Anna okay?” 29 �śHow do you feel?” 30 �śWhat are you going to do now?” 31 Shielding her face with one of her hands, she held Anna close 32 with the other. �śKeep your head down,” Callie whispered. �śDon’t 33 look at them.” 34 The car had slowed to a crawl now. They couldn’t make it 35 S through. �śJesus,” Callie heard the patrolman mutter. �śSomebody 36 R help us out here.” 2 6 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 265 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Then two uniformed officers were forcing a path through the 1 crowd. �śStay back! Out of the way!” they yelled, and the swarm 2 of reporters fell back. 3 It took almost ten minutes to drive that last block. Barriers 4 blocked the driveway. Two more cops pushed them aside. 5 They pulled up to the garage and parked. Callie and Anna 6 climbed out. 7 Under a storm of flashbulbs, they quickly approached the front 8 door. The patrolman who’d been their driver followed close be-9 hind them. 10 �śEverything okay?” he asked, once they were inside. 11 �śYes, thanks for everything.” 12 He smiled at them and left. 13 After she’d closed and locked the door, Callie steered Anna 14 upstairs. Anna was wearing hospital garments, a big shirt and 15 drawstring pants. The clothes she’d had on when she was found 16 had been sent to the state crime lab. 17 �śWould you like to take a bath?” Callie asked when they 18 reached the landing at the top of the stairs. 19 �śNot now.” Anna shook her head. �śI just want to go to sleep. 20 Can I get into your bed, Mommy?” 21 Callie’s heart ached. �śSure,” she whispered into Anna’s hair. 22 �śI’ll come lie down with you.” 23 Anna put on pajamas and climbed into Callie’s double 24 bed. Outside, the clamor of voices vied with the rumble of 25 vehicles. But Anna, curled in a silent ball, seemed oblivious. 26 Without bothering to get undressed, Callie lay down beside 27 her. The world had shrunk to this single room; nothing outside 28 existed. 29 Callie hadn’t planned to go to sleep, but at some point she 30 must have. When she glanced at the clock on her night table, she 31 saw it was after six. 32 Careful not to disturb her daughter, she slipped out of bed, tip-33 toed over to a window, and peered out from behind a blind. The 34 crowd had dwindled in the past few hours but hadn’t disappeared S 35 entirely. A handful of reporters was still staked out in the fast-R 36 2 6 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 266 A M Y G U T M A N 1 fading sun. She dropped the blind, crossed the room, and headed 2 downstairs to make coffee. 3 She was groggy and disoriented from the long late-afternoon 4 nap. As she dumped coffee into a filter, she realized how alone 5 she felt. She needed to speak to another person, someone from 6 normal life, someone besides the cops and detectives with whom 7 she’d spent the night. Before she could stop herself she thought 8 of Rick with a sharp sense of loss. 9 Martha. She’d call Martha. 10 At the thought of her friend’s warm, worn face, her heart 11 seemed to lift. 12 Martha picked up right away, almost as if she’d been waiting. 13 �śCallie,” she said in heartfelt tones. �śI’ve been trying to call you. 14 Thank God Anna’s okay. And you �" how are you doing? How 15 have you survived?” 16 �śI’m fine now,” Callie said. �śHow . . . how did you know?” Even 17 as she spoke, though, she saw it was a stupid question. All those 18 reporters outside the house. Of course, the story was out now. 19 Martha was talking again, but Callie had missed the begin-20 ning. In the flood of words, she caught Posy’s name, but she 21 couldn’t make sense of the rest. 22 �śI . . . Martha, please, you have to slow down. I don’t under-23 stand what you’re saying.” 24 Martha stopped. �śYou haven’t heard.” 25 �śHeard what?” asked Callie. 26 A long, long silence. �śOh God, Callie, I’m sorry. Just forget I 27 said anything. You don’t need to think about this now. Tell me 28 how Anna’s doing. That’s the important thing.” 29 Blood pulsed in Callie’s veins. �śI want to know what hap-30 pened.” 31 At the other end of the phone line, she could hear Martha 32 breathing. 33 �śThere’s no easy way to tell you,” Martha finally said. �śPosy 34 was murdered. They found her body while they searched for 35 S Anna last night.” 36 R A tremor passed through Callie, like some small internal 2 6 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 267 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y earthquake. She thought of the furor that had broken out in the 1 early-morning hours, that phone call that had prompted Lambert 2 to rush off so suddenly. That must have been when it happened. 3 When they discovered Posy. 4 �śWho killed her?” Callie asked. �śIs anyone in custody?” 5 �śThe cops aren’t saying anything. At least not to the press.” 6 �śIt must be the same person. The same man who kidnapped 7 Anna.” 8 �śNot necessarily,” Martha said. �śThere’s no way of knowing 9 yet. It might be totally unrelated. I’ll bet that’s what they find.” 10 �śYou’ve got to be kidding, Martha. We’re in Merritt, not New 11 York. In all the years I’ve lived here, we’ve never had a murder or 12 a kidnapping. Now, in less than twenty-four hours, we suddenly 13 have both.” 14 �śIt’s not twenty-four hours. Posy was killed before that.” 15 Martha was talking so fast now, Callie knew something was 16 wrong. Something beyond the terrible fact that Posy had been 17 killed. 18 �śWhat happened to her?” Callie asked. 19 Martha didn’t answer. 20 �śMartha?” Her voice was stronger now. �śTell me what hap-21 pened to Posy.” 22 �śI don’t know the details,” Martha hedged. �śThe police aren’t 23 saying much.” 24 �śTell me what you know, then.” 25 Another long silence. 26 �śI don’t want to be the one to tell you. I’m sorry, Callie. No.” 27 The coffee had finished brewing, and Callie took out a mug. 28 She lifted the carafe from the machine, and poured out the 29 steaming liquid. But she couldn’t seem to control her hand. Cof-30 fee splashed the counter. 31 �śI understand,” Callie said. �śBut I really have to go now.” 32 She had Lambert’s card in her purse. Now she went to find it. 33 She dialed the number. It rang twice, then he picked up the 34 phone. S 35 �śMs. Thayer, I’m glad you called. We’re about to pay you a R 36 2 6 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 268 A M Y G U T M A N 1 visit.” He sounded brisk but preoccupied. There were voices in 2 the background. 3 She dispensed with preliminaries. �śTell me about Posy Kisch.” 4 A brief pause while Lambert regrouped. �śI guess you saw the 5 news.” 6 �śNo, a friend told me. She . . . we both worked with Posy. In 7 the Windham Alumni Office.” 8 �śYes,” Lambert said. �śI know. We’ll have to talk about that.” 9 Callie took a sip of coffee. It was hot but she couldn’t taste it. 10 �śDo you think the person who killed Posy is the same one who 11 kidnapped Anna?” 12 �śWe don’t know yet,” Lambert said. �śWe’re still sorting things 13 out.” 14 Callie took a long, deep breath, trying to prepare herself. 15 �śWhat exactly happened? How was Posy killed?” 16 A pause, this one longer. 17 �śWe can talk about that later. Right now, there’s something 18 else. We need to speak with Anna again, to show her some pho-19 tographs.” 20 21 Lambert untied a Redweld file and pulled out a stack of photo-22 graphs. The three of them were at the kitchen table, Anna on 23 Callie’s lap. 24 �śAnna, I’m going to show you some pictures. I need you to 25 help me out here. I want you to tell me if you see the man who 26 kidnapped you last night.” 27 Anna was still in her pajamas. Her hair was a tangled mess. 28 She looked at Lambert through sleep-hazed eyes, not entirely 29 awake yet. 30 Lambert placed a photograph in front of Anna. She rubbed her 31 eyes and looked. The man had a thin face, a sandy crew cut, a 32 neatly trimmed goatee. 33 Anna shifted in Callie’s lap. �śIt’s not him,” she said. 34 Lambert took the picture away, then put out another. The next 35 S man had a pudgy face and sad, doleful eyes. His hair was a dark 36 R reddish blond, his beard redder than the rest. 2 6 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 269 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Anna frowned. �śNo,” she said. �śIt’s not him either.” 1 Lambert took back the picture. 2 Then, as he laid out the next image, Callie’s heart lurched. He 3 looked younger, and he had a beard, but the features were the 4 same. The thin, pointed nose. The foxy eyes. �śOh, my God,” she 5 whispered. 6 Lambert’s head whipped around toward Callie. He gave her a 7 warning look. 8 Anna twisted to look at her. �śWhat’s wrong, Mommy?” she 9 said. 10 Squeezing Anna’s shoulder, Callie gave a short laugh. �śNoth-11 ing, honey. I was confused. It’s okay. You can go on.” 12 �śAnna. Have you seen this man before?” Lambert’s voice was 13 level. 14 �śNo, I don’t think so. He’s not the man who took me.” 15 There were eight photographs altogether. At each one, Anna 16 shook her head. When they were finished, Lambert smiled at her. 17 �śOkay. Thanks for your help. I’ve got to talk to your mom for a 18 second. Would you mind leaving us alone?” 19 Callie kept a smile on her face until Anna left the room. Then 20 she took the stack of photos from Lambert and flipped back to 21 the third one. �śI saw him in Maine,” she said. �śOn the island 22 where Diane was killed. I’d gone out to look around. He followed 23 me to Carson’s Cove �" that’s where Diane was ambushed. I 24 thought he was from the island. He said he was worried about me.” 25 Lambert’s expression was grim now. �śWhen was this exactly?” 26 �śA couple weeks back. May first, I think. That man in the pic-27 ture, who is he?” 28 Lambert fingered the photograph. �śThis is Lester Crain.” 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 2 6 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 270 Tuesday, May 16 I 1 a s s u m e you’ve all read the background material.” Mike 2 Jamison scanned the faces at the conference table. All five men 3 nodded. 4 Jamison glanced at Lambert, who was seated to his left. Mer-5 ritt’s chief detective was hosting the task force, along with state 6 police detective Ed Farrell, and together they’d asked Jamison to 7 make his presentation. Farrell, mid-forties, quick gray eyes, sat a 8 bit back from the table. There were two Maine detectives, Jack 9 Pulaski and Stu Farkess, and Wayne Schute, from Manhattan 10 South Homicide. All of them had followed up obvious leads 11 without any success. They’d gathered at this state police barracks 12 outside Merritt to pool their resources. 13 �śOkay, then,” Jamison continued. �śWe’ll briefly review the in-14 cidents, then talk about possible links. Anyone who wants to, 15 feel free to jump in.” 16 Even all these years later, it was a matter of habit to say that, 17 to make clear to the state and local guys that he respected them. 18 He’d always gone out of his way to show that he wasn’t some FBI 19 asshole. Because of that, he’d usually enjoyed good relationships 20 in the field. Of course, on this particular occasion, he didn’t really 21 have to worry. As a retired agent here by invitation, he had no of-22 ficial standing. He couldn’t make anyone do anything, even if 23 he’d wanted to. 24 Jamison briefly ran through the facts of Diane Massey’s murder. 25 �śAccording to the M.E.’s report, the cause of death was blunt 26 S force trauma to the head and strangulation,” he concluded. �śThe 27 R victim’s body had been stripped of clothing and jewelry. A black 2 7 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 271 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y stocking ligature was tightly knotted around her throat, and her 1 eyes showed petechial hemorrhages.” He didn’t have to explain. 2 All of them would know that the pinpoint blood clots were pre-3 sumptive proof of strangulation. �śThere were straight incisions 4 along the insides of both of the victim’s arms. The incisions were 5 made postmortem.” 6 �śThose incisions on the insides of the arms �" Gage did that 7 too, didn’t he?” The question came from Schute, the New York 8 detective, who’d been rapidly taking notes. He had bushy eye-9 brows, a weathered face, and dark, piercing eyes. 10 �śThat’s right,” Jamison said. �śGage also performed the mutila-11 tions postmortem, just like the UNSUB in this case.” UNSUB. 12 Unidentified subject. The old FBI lingo. �śAnother striking simi-13 larity is the black stocking ligature. Gage was tried and convicted 14 for the murder of Dahlia Schuyler. In that case, the victim was 15 also strangled with a black stocking.” 16 Next on the agenda was Melanie’s attack. Again, Jamison ran 17 through the facts. �śIn your files, you all have a copy of the artist’s 18 sketch of Ms. White’s assailant. You’ll note the resemblance be-19 tween this sketch and the composite of Anna Thayer’s abductor.” 20 �śWhat about videotape?” Pulaski asked. �śDid the apartment 21 building have cameras?” 22 Schute gave a sour smile. �śSure did, but the one that mattered 23 was out of service that day. Anyone who thinks you get what you 24 pay for hasn’t lived in Manhattan. Six grand a month that apart-25 ment goes for, and they can’t keep the cameras running.” 26 �śWhat about noise?” Pulaski asked. �śWere any of the neigh-27 bors home?” 28 �śYou can’t hear a thing through those walls,” said Schute. 29 �śThe tenants pay for quiet.” 30 As Jamison moved on to Posy Kisch, he could feel the tension 31 building. The men at the table were all fathers. Some had kids 32 around Posy’s age. 33 �śThe victim was found near the Connecticut River during the 34 search for Anna Thayer. The absence of blood at the scene conS 35 firms that the killing took place elsewhere. There were cuff marks R 36 2 7 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 272 A M Y G U T M A N 1 on her wrists and ankles. Substantial evidence of sexual assault 2 and torture prior to death. In addition to having her throat slit, 3 she was stabbed eighty-seven times. It appears that the victim 4 was raped with a knife both anally and vaginally. No evidence of 5 semen inside the victim, though traces were detected on her face. 6 DNA analysis is under way. The tests are being expedited.” 7 �śKisch was last seen on Saturday, May 6, at a public dance in 8 Greenfield. She came to the dance with a classmate who’s been 9 on our suspect list. Nathan Lacoste �" that’s his name �" is also 10 acquainted with Ms. Thayer. Ms. Thayer was at the dance as 11 well, along with her boyfriend �" a Merritt cop �" and another 12 couple.” 13 �śIs that a little strange?” Schute asked. �śThat all of them were 14 at the same dance?” 15 Farrell shrugged. �śThis isn’t New York City. There’s only so 16 much going on.” 17 �śAnyway,” Jamison continued, �śMs. Thayer recalls that, dur-18 ing a break in the dance, Lacoste asked her if she’d seen the 19 victim.” 20 A little more back and forth, and then they moved on to Anna 21 Thayer. Jamison briefly outlined the facts surrounding her abduc-22 tion and release. 23 �śWhy do you think he didn’t kill her?” Schute asked, once 24 Jamison was done. 25 �śMy best guess,” said Jamison, �śis that this UNSUB may have 26 kids of his own. Either that or, for some other reason, he strongly 27 identifies with them.” 28 Sitting back in his chair, Jamison surveyed the table. 29 �śLet me cut to the chase. I believe we’re looking for two killers. 30 The first �" let’s call him UNSUB 1 �" killed Diane Massey. 31 He also attacked Melanie White and kidnapped Anna Thayer. 32 Someone else �" UNSUB 2 �" killed Posy Kisch.” 33 Schute said, �śI’m having a little trouble with this. How can 34 you know it’s not the same guy? Doesn’t that seem more likely?” 35 S �śI’m not saying there isn’t some connection. Just that I’m fairly 36 R 2 7 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 273 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y confident that we’re looking for two different killers. With Kisch 1 we’re dealing with a sexual sadist. He gets carried away. We’ve 2 got his semen on Kisch’s body. It’s not a clean crime scene.” 3 �śUNSUB 1 is highly organized. There’s no evidence of sexual 4 sadism, no sign of sexual assault. Even the slashes on Massey’s 5 arms were all inflicted postmortem. There’s no sign that the 6 UNSUB tried to prolong her suffering.” 7 �śBut the body was stripped,” Schute said. �śThat’s not sexual?” 8 �śIn this case, I suspect not. I think the clothes were taken to 9 keep the crime scene clean, to reduce the likelihood of trace ev-10 idence. As investigators, we’re all familiar with the theory of 11 transfer and exchange �" the notion that an UNSUB always 12 leaves something of himself at the crime scene and takes some-13 thing with him. Here, we still don’t have anything, no fibers, no 14 hairs, nothing.” 15 Schute rubbed his chin. �śSo one guy killed Posy Kisch, some-16 one else did the rest?” 17 �śThat’s the way it looks to me,” Jamison responded. �śLike I 18 said, UNSUB 2 is a sexual sadist. His crime scene resembles 19 Lester Crain’s.” 20 �śYou really think that Lester Crain killed that girl?” Schute 21 was still skeptical. �śSo why’s he suddenly making an appearance? 22 Where’s he been all these years?” 23 �śI’m not necessarily saying it’s Crain. I’m saying the signatures 24 match. If Crain committed a murder, it would look something 25 like this one.” 26 �śStill, though,” Lambert said, �śCallie Thayer claims she saw 27 Crain on the island where Massey was killed. The fact that she 28 places him at the scene �" you don’t take anything from that? If 29 he didn’t kill Massey, what was he doing there?” 30 Before Jamison could answer, Pulaski jumped in. �śWe don’t 31 know if she really saw him. She’d had this theory that Crain was 32 the killer way back at the beginning. Then, when she saw his pic-33 ture, she jumped on the connection.” 34 �śMaybe,” Lambert responded. �śBut she didn’t identify him by S 35 R 36 2 7 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 274 A M Y G U T M A N 1 name. When she saw the photo, she recognized the face, but she 2 didn’t know who it was. She doesn’t remember seeing pictures of 3 Crain before the one I showed her daughter.” 4 �śThat’s what she says, ” Pulaski said. �śShe probably believes it. 5 But who can say what memories may be lodged in her subcon-6 scious? She sees the picture you showed her kid, and the picture 7 triggers something. She thinks it’s this guy she saw recently, but 8 really it’s from the past. That sort of thing happens, you know. It’s 9 a problem with eyewitnesses.” 10 Before Lambert could answer, Jamison jumped in. �śLook, both 11 scenarios are possible, but neither changes my basic point. Whether 12 Crain was on that island or not, I don’t think he killed Massey.” 13 A few doubtful looks from around the table, but no one said 14 anything. 15 �śHow about the victimology?” Pulaski finally asked. 16 �śAnother link,” Jamison said. �śMost of Crain’s victims were 17 prostitutes, they had a certain look. Tight clothes, elaborate hair, 18 lots of heavy makeup. Now, Kisch wasn’t a prostitute, but she af-19 fected a similar style.” 20 �śWhat about her date that night? What’s the latest on him?” 21 Jamison turned to Lambert, who was heading that investigation. 22 �śWe’ve talked to Nathan Lacoste several times. At this point, 23 we don’t have evidence against him, though we haven’t ruled 24 him out. He agreed to take a polygraph, but the results were in-25 conclusive.” 26 Farrell, who’d been silent for a while, started to shake his head. 27 �śI’m with Wayne. I still have a hard time believing we’ve got two 28 different killers. I mean, I guess it’s possible, but how can you be 29 sure? How do you know it’s not one killer who’s shifted his M.O.?” 30 Jamison said, �śIt’s not a question of M.O. When we talk about 31 the modus operandi, it’s just the nuts and bolts, the practical 32 steps a killer takes in order to complete the crime. The signature 33 is something else. It’s the killer’s calling card, that extra some-34 thing the killer does because it gets him off. The M.O. changes 35 S with circumstances. The signature stays the same. It may evolve, 36 R it may escalate, but the core doesn’t change. With Crain, torture 2 7 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 275 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y and bondage were central to his signature. You see both in Kisch’s 1 murder and neither in Diane Massey’s.” 2 �śOkay, I see what you’re saying,” Farrell said thoughtfully. 3 �śNow, what about Steven Gage? How would you compare his sig-4 nature to what we have here?” 5 �śAlso different,” Jamison responded. �śGage didn’t get off on 6 causing pain. What he wanted were the bodies. He couldn’t even 7 have sex with his victims until they were dead. Killing them was 8 incidental, a means of obtaining control. Even the incisions on 9 his victims’ arms were all inflicted postmortem.” 10 �śLike with Massey?” Farrell said. 11 �śThat part of it, yes.” 12 �śOkay,” said Schute, stretching back in his chair. �śLet’s talk a 13 little about Massey’s killer. The guy you call UNSUB 1. What do 14 we know about him?” 15 �śAs I said, he’s highly organized. He knows his way around a 16 crime scene. He might be trained in law enforcement or even 17 forensic work. If he’s married, he’s arranged his domestic life so he 18 isn’t accountable. Maybe he travels a lot for work, isn’t home that 19 much.” 20 �śWhat about Thayer’s boyfriend?” Schute had turned to Lam-21 bert. 22 Lambert said, �śHe has a good reputation. I don’t know him 23 well myself. Of course, we’ve checked out his whereabouts, espe-24 cially over the weekend. He lied about where he’d be, and that 25 obviously concerned us. But without going into all the details, 26 there are extenuating circumstances. He was in New York during 27 the time in question. His alibi holds up.” 28 Pulaski was looking over a chart that Jamison had prepared. 29 �śWhat about the anniversary notes? Any useful leads there?” 30 Jamison shook his head. �śMelanie White destroyed hers. We 31 ran tests on the other two but didn’t come up with much. Staples 32 multipurpose paper, too common to be of much use. The only en-33 velope we have is the one delivered to Ms. Thayer. It’s a Staples 34 number ten white business envelope, also quite common. The S 35 flap tested negative for saliva.” R 36 2 7 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 276 A M Y G U T M A N 1 The phone rang on a corner table. Farrell jumped up to get it. 2 He picked up, listened briefly, then said tersely, �śThanks.” 3 When he hung up, he turned to look at them, a stunned look 4 on his face. 5 �śThe DNA at the Kisch crime scene is a match for Lester 6 Crain.” 7 h 8 9 �śCallie. I know you’re there. Please. Pick up. If you’d just �"” 10 Callie grabbed the phone. �śOkay. I’m here. Will you stop call-11 ing now?” 12 A long silence from the other end. Callie could hear Rick 13 breathing. �śWe need to talk,” he finally said. 14 �śFine. We’re talking. Are you happy?” 15 �śI mean face-to-face,” he said. �śI need to see you, to explain.” 16 �śYou lied to me,” Callie said. �śThat’s all I need to know.” 17 There was a beep on the line, another call. She let it go into 18 voice mail. While the calls had slowed somewhat, she was still 19 besieged by reporters. 20 �śI don’t think that’s it,” Rick said. �śAt least not the only thing. 21 I think you’re angry because you needed me, and I wasn’t there 22 for you.” 23 Now Callie fell silent. Through the kitchen window, she saw 24 gray sky. Soon, it would start to rain. 25 �śIsn’t that it?” he pressed. 26 �śLook,” she said. �śWill you just leave us alone? We’ve already 27 got enough to deal with. Whoever kidnapped Anna is still out 28 there. It’s just . . . it’s just too much.” 29 Another beep on the line. Didn’t reporters have lives? It was a 30 big wide world out there; there must be other stories. 31 �śI don’t want to make things harder. I want to help,” Rick said. 32 There was something in his tone, an urgency, that made Callie 33 hesitate. Suddenly, his face rose up in her mind, the familiar 34 planes and angles. She wanted to reach out and touch his cheek, 35 S but of course, he wasn’t there. 36 R 2 7 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 277 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y She sat silently for several seconds, uncertain what to do. Ei-1 ther way, she’d hang up feeling she’d made the wrong choice. 2 �śOkay,” she said finally. �śIf you want, you can come over 3 tonight, after Anna’s in bed. But only for an hour. I’m completely 4 wiped out.” 5 �śSo I’ll come by around nine, how’s that?” 6 �śMake it ten,” said Callie. 7 She hung up the phone, feeling torn, ill at ease in her skin. She 8 had half a mind to call Rick back and tell him she’d changed her 9 mind. If she still felt this way later, that’s exactly what she’d do. 10 Remembering the call-waiting beeps, she punched in her 11 voice mail number. Most of the time, when she didn’t answer, the 12 reporters just hung up. Realists, they knew full well that she’d 13 never call them back. Occasionally, though, they left messages in 14 winning heartfelt tones, telling her that they understood, that 15 they wanted her to tell her story. 16 The first message was a female reporter calling from the Merritt 17 Gazette. She sounded hesitant and very young, unsure of what 18 to say. 19 �śMs. Thayer, we have some information that we need to ask 20 you about. It has to do with your . . . past. With some things that 21 happened in Tennessee.” 22 There was a phone number and a name, but Callie didn’t write 23 them down. She sat there numbly, staring into space, wondering 24 how much they knew. 25 The next message was from the Boston Globe, a reporter named 26 Charlie Hammond. This time there were no equivocations, no 27 room left for doubt. 28 �śI’m calling to get your response to a claim that you are Laura 29 Seton.” 30 31 h 32 After the task force meeting, Mike Jamison headed for the Or-33 chard Inn, a small hotel near Windham College that Lambert 34 had recommended. His room had a high four-poster bed and S 35 R 36 2 7 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 278 A M Y G U T M A N 1 white curtains at the windows. He was happy to see that it came 2 equipped with a small writing desk and lamp. He planned to rent 3 a car tomorrow and drive down to New York. Schute had offered 4 him a ride tonight, but he wanted some time alone. 5 Once he’d hung up his suit, he unzipped his black nylon laptop 6 case and removed the thin computer. He set it up on the polished 7 desk, plugged it in, and turned it on. Outside, it had started to 8 rain, a gentle pulsing rhythm. He’d opened a window, and the 9 curtains fluttered in a cool gust of breeze. 10 Waiting for the computer to boot, he thought back on the day. 11 The DNA was convincing proof that Crain had killed the Kisch 12 girl. The discovery had astonished him, as it had everyone in the 13 room. Until today, if he’d had to place a bet, he’d have said that 14 Crain was dead. A killer like Crain never just stopped, that al-15 most went without saying, and he knew of not a single unsolved 16 crime with Crain’s signature. Steven Gage had been a master at 17 concealing his victims’ bodies. Could he have imparted those 18 skills to Crain on Tennessee’s death row? 19 And yet, if that was the explanation, something had gone 20 wrong. The attempt to conceal Kisch’s body had been at best per-21 functory. Even without the search for Anna Thayer, she’d have 22 been found soon enough. There was also the question of linkage, 23 still unresolved. If there were, as he thought, two UNSUBs, how 24 were they connected? If Lester Crain hadn’t killed Diane, why 25 had he been on Blue Peek Island? 26 The questions circled around in his mind. He played out sce-27 narios. He was conscious of that familiar stirring that came on 28 the brink of insight. By all accounts, Lester Crain had been ob-29 sessed with Gage. What if Crain had gone to the island after 30 learning about Massey? Maybe he’d read about Diane’s murder, 31 the black stocking ligature. Intrigued by the obvious links to 32 Gage, he’d been drawn to the crime scene. And then, once he 33 got there, something in him had snapped. Diane’s murder could 34 have been the stressor that pushed Crain over the edge. The grip 35 S he’d had on his murderous drives had dissolved in the excite-36 R 2 7 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 279 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y ment. Then from Maine he’d traveled to Merritt, where he’d tor-1 tured and killed Posy Kisch. 2 He decided to type up his notes. Sometimes the act of review-3 ing the facts gave birth to new ideas. But first, he reminded him-4 self, he should check his office voice mail. He’d cleared his 5 schedule as best he could, but there was always that random 6 phone call. 7 Two messages. Damn. 8 It was a relief when he heard the hearty voice of his poker 9 buddy Joe Carnowski. They were planning a trip to Atlantic 10 City; did he want to come along? A beep and then another voice. 11 It was Callie Thayer. 12 Her voice was so soft that he could hardly hear, but he could 13 tell she was upset. She asked him to call as soon as he could. She 14 left her number twice. 15 Her phone rang four times, then he got voice mail. He left his 16 name and number. But before he could even get back to his desk, 17 his cell phone started to ring. 18 �śI’m sorry.” Callie was whispering. �śI have to screen my calls.” 19 He was having trouble hearing her. �śCould you talk a little 20 louder?” 21 �śOkay.” The voice was a fraction stronger. �śBut I don’t want 22 my daughter to hear me.” 23 A pause. 24 �śI guess you know who I am by now.” 25 �śYes,” he said. �śI do.” 26 �śI’m sorry I didn’t tell you at first. I just . . . wasn’t ready. But 27 now, well, the press has found out. That’s why I’m calling you. 28 The reporters have been calling all night. I’m not sure what to do. 29 I tried to call Lambert, but I couldn’t reach him so . . . I thought 30 of you. It’s just �" everything is such a mess. I need some advice.” 31 �śDon’t call them back,” Jamison said. �śThere’s nothing to be 32 gained. At this point, you don’t even know if they have enough for 33 a story. If you lay low for the time being, it might slow them down.” 34 �śSlow them down,” Callie said. She sounded hopelessly bleak. S 35 R 36 2 7 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 280 A M Y G U T M A N 1 The rain was falling harder now. Through his window, Jamison 2 could just make out a mountain’s hazy outlines. 3 �śEveryone’s going to find out. Everyone will know.” She 4 sounded so miserable, so despairing. Jamison searched for words. 5 Something to convince her that she’d get through this, that it 6 wasn’t the end of the world. 7 �śMaybe you’re making too much of this.” He was careful to 8 speak gently. �śI know it will be hard at first, but it could also be a 9 relief. It can’t have been easy for you, keeping this kind of secret.” 10 �śIt wasn’t really so bad.” Her voice was dull, as if she’d given up. 11 �śYou still may have a day or two. At least you have some 12 warning.” 13 �śYou don’t think they’ll print it tomorrow?” 14 �śIt depends on what they’ve confirmed.” 15 �śBut if I don’t call them back, won’t that make them more sus-16 picious?” 17 �śAnd if you call back, what would you say? You can’t lie about 18 something like this. That would just make it worse.” 19 As soon as he got off the phone with Callie, Jamison called 20 Lambert. He tried his private line at the station, then tried him 21 on his beeper. When he failed to get any response, he finally left 22 a message. �śTell him to call me as soon as he can.” Then, frus-23 trated, he hung up. 24 It didn’t make any sense that Lambert would be out of pocket. 25 As chief of detectives at a time like this, he should be on call 26 24-7. Small towns were different from big cities, but, hell, they 27 weren’t that different. This was a major investigation in Lambert’s 28 jurisdiction. 29 It was almost seven o’clock now, and Jamison decided to get 30 something to eat. 31 Outside, the air was moist and fragrant, almost tropical. Um-32 brella in hand, he walked a few blocks to the small town center. 33 The rain was blowing at a slant, and his clothes were wet by now. 34 He ducked into a Mexican place with a large bright red sign. At 35 S the counter, he ordered Cajun fish tacos, then sat at a table to wait. 36 R 2 8 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 281 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Next to him, a harried young mother argued with her toddler. 1 �śYou liked it last time,” she was saying. The kid stuck out his chin. 2 �śOne-oh-nine,” the cashier called. 3 He checked his receipt; that was him. 4 He ate fast, both because he was hungry and because he 5 wanted to get back. The mom and kid reminded him of Callie 6 and the nightmare she’d gone through. He wondered exactly 7 where Callie lived. It couldn’t be too far. If he’d been here longer, 8 he’d have tried to meet her, but he just didn’t have time. Still, 9 he’d have liked to see the woman he’d once watched testify. The 10 former Laura Seton. Steven Gage’s lover. 11 It was Callie who’d first suggested Lester Crain’s involvement. 12 Yet she wouldn’t know, even now, how horribly right she’d been. 13 The decision had been made not to go public with the DNA link 14 to Crain. The last thing they needed was for Crain to know that 15 they had this evidence. If he hadn’t already fled the jurisdiction, 16 that would be all it took. There’d be some concern over public 17 safety once the truth came out. But for now, the task force mem-18 bers agreed, secrecy was paramount. 19 It seemed clear that Crain was UNSUB 2. 20 But what about UNSUB 1? 21 He finished his meal, bussed his dishes, and headed toward the 22 hotel. His thoughts moved to what Callie Thayer had said about 23 Gage’s family, the conversation reported back to him by Pulaski 24 in Maine. He’d never met the mother or brothers, but he’d seen 25 them many times. The mother nervous and overweight, flanked 26 by her hulking sons. He couldn’t remember the boys’ names now. 27 The mother’s name was Brenda. She’d gone by her second hus-28 band’s name. It started with an H, he thought. 29 Holiday. Halliburton. Hallowell . . . 30 None of them sounded right. 31 Back in his room, the message light was dark. Lambert still 32 hadn’t called. 33 Jamison was hanging up his jacket when the name finally came 34 to him: Hollworthy. Brenda Hollworthy. That was the name she’d S 35 R 36 2 8 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 282 A M Y G U T M A N 1 used. She might have moved or married again. Still, it was worth 2 a try. 3 No Nashville listing for a Brenda Hollworthy, but there was a 4 B.W. He wrote down the number, hung up, and dialed it. 5 �śThe Lord Jesus will rise again. Have you accepted him as your 6 savior?” A woman’s voice on the answering machine, a husky 7 southern drawl. Too many cigarettes and cocktails before God 8 came on the scene. �śI can’t take your call now. But leave me a 9 message an’ I’ll call you back.” 10 He couldn’t remember hearing Brenda speak, wouldn’t recog-11 nize her voice. He’d never have placed her as a born-again type, 12 but of course, that had been before. Before her child was con-13 victed of murder. Before he was put to death. Maybe she, like so 14 many others, had found solace in religion. 15 He hung up without leaving a message. He’d try again later. 16 There was one more call he wanted to make before it got too 17 late. Tomorrow he was driving down to New York to visit Melanie. 18 She’d been released from the hospital but was still sleeping a lot. 19 He wanted to get hold of her before she went to bed. 20 He picked up his cell phone and speed-dialed her number. 21 �śHello?” She sounded hesitant, uncertain what to expect. 22 �śMelanie. It’s Mike. How’re you feeling today?” 23 �śPretty good.” She seemed to relax, now that she knew who he 24 was. �śI mean, better, I guess. It’s slow. The recovery, I mean.” 25 �śSo I figure I can be in the city tomorrow by around ten or so.” 26 �śThat’s . . . could we make it a little later? I have some things 27 to take care of.” 28 �śOkay. Sure. When’s good for you?” 29 �śEleven?” 30 �śSure. You’ve got it.” 31 �śMike, I’m sorry to cut you off, but a . . . a friend is coming up. 32 The doorman just called to tell me.” 33 �śOkay, then. Well, I’ll let you go. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” 34 He hung up with a nagging sense that something wasn’t right. 35 S For all the doctors’ reassurances, she didn’t sound like herself. 36 R This visitor she’d mentioned, that bothered him too. Suddenly, 2 8 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 283 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y he felt a flash of fear. So what if it was someone she knew? Maybe 1 she’d known the killer. When he’d questioned her, she seemed con-2 fident that she’d never seen him before. But what if she’d been 3 mistaken? What if she’d been confused? 4 He couldn’t stop himself. In five minutes, he called back. 5 �śSorry to bother you again, but I misplaced your address,” he 6 lied. 7 �śNot a problem,” Melanie said. And recited the street number. 8 �śYou . . . are you okay?” he asked. 9 �śSure. I’m fine.” She sounded surprised. After all, he’d just 10 talked to her. Why shouldn’t she be fine? 11 Feeling a little foolish, Jamison hung up. Still, Melanie stuck 12 in his mind like a tune he couldn’t forget. He’d felt oddly close to 13 her during the time he’d spent at her hospital bedside. As if he 14 were just where he should be, a feeling he’d almost forgotten. 15 He’d had it so often during those years at the Bureau, working on 16 the profile study, during the weeks he’d met with Steven Gage 17 just before the execution. He wondered if that was part of it, his 18 attachment to Melanie, as if she were a sort of talisman bringing 19 back the past. 20 Outside, the rain was still coming down. He could hear it, but 21 he couldn’t see it. It had still been light when he left for dinner. 22 Now the sky was dark. He’d try Brenda Hollworthy one more 23 time, and then he’d take a shower. 24 �śHello?” It was same rough voice he’d heard before, but live 25 now, not recorded. 26 �śIs this Mrs. Hollworthy?” 27 �śWho is this?” 28 �śMy name is Mike Jamison. We met . . . a long time ago.” 29 �śWhat’d you say your name was, son?” 30 �śMike. Mike Jamison. We met . . . in Tennessee.” 31 �śYou that boy from the FBI?” 32 �śI . . . I used to be.” His heart was beating faster now; he could 33 feel the adrenaline surge. The past flooded over him. Steven 34 Gage’s mother. S 35 Before she could hang up on him, he rushed to fill the silence. R 36 2 8 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 284 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śIt’s been a long time,” he said. 2 �śSure has,” she said flatly. He half expected her to hang up 3 then, but she stayed on the phone, waiting. 4 �śI was hoping you could answer some questions for me about a 5 woman named Diane Massey. You probably remember the book 6 she wrote �"” 7 Brenda Hollworthy cut in. �śYou know, the Lord says that we 8 should forgive, and God knows I try. Every night I pray for the 9 strength to forgive, but some things are just beyond us. You have 10 any children, Mr. Jamison?” 11 A pause. 12 �śYes. I do.” 13 �śHow many?” 14 �śTwo.” 15 �śBoys or girls?” 16 �śOne of each.” 17 �śI used to have three sons. Now I’ve got two. That’s some-18 thing you never get over. You should’ve done something, Mr. 19 Jamison. You should’ve done something to save him. The Lord 20 doesn’t mean for men to kill each other. Two wrongs don’t make 21 a right.” 22 Her voice was emptied of emotion, as if she’d rehearsed the 23 speech. As if she’d spent countless years preparing for this call. 24 �śI can’t imagine what you went through.” That much was cer-25 tainly true. 26 �śThat’s why you’re callin’, ain’t it? It’s that Massey woman. You 27 think we had something to do with it, me or the boys. Well, I 28 can’t say I’m sorry to see her gone, God forgive me for that. But 29 you’re lookin’ in the wrong direction if you’re thinkin’ of us like 30 that. I’m a Christian woman, and they’re good, good boys. Got 31 families of their own now.” 32 �śPlease, let me explain, Mrs. Hollworthy. That’s not it at all.” 33 �śYou think somebody else killed her?” 34 �śAbsolutely,” he said. The truth, of course, was that he didn’t 35 S know, but you said what you had to say. �śI just wanted to ask you 36 R 2 8 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 285 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y some questions about a few people Steven knew. I wanted to get 1 your impressions of them. I won’t take much of your time.” 2 �śSo who’re you talkin’ about?” He could tell she was still on 3 guard, though she sounded a fraction less hostile. 4 �śDo you remember a woman named Melanie White?” 5 �ś ’Course. She was one of Stevie’s lawyers.” 6 �śDid he ever talk about her?” 7 �śHe talked about her some. He liked her. He thought she was 8 smart.” 9 �śDid you ever get the sense he was angry with her? Upset she 10 couldn’t do more?” 11 �śWell, sure, he got upset. I mean, he was on death row. He 12 knew they wanted to kill him. He got upset a lot, Mr. Jamison. I’ll 13 bet you woulda too.” 14 �śBut did he talk about Ms. White in particular? Was he espe-15 cially angry with her?” 16 �śNo, I wouldn’t say so. She did the best she could. I mean, 17 that’s what he mostly said.” 18 �śWhat about Laura Seton?” 19 A sharp intake of breath. 20 �śThat little bitch. Don’t let’s talk about her.” For the first time, 21 her voice had a flash of fire. He’d clearly hit a nerve. 22 His instincts told him to keep quiet, to wait for her to go on. 23 �śI’m sorry, God forgive me, but that’s what she is, a lyin’ little 24 bitch. If she’d loved him like she said, she wouldn’t have told 25 them the things she did. I wish it was her that was dead now. God 26 forgive me, but I wish it was. If I just knew where to find her, I 27 might just kill her myself.” 28 �śIf somebody did that to one of my kids, I’m sure I’d feel the 29 same way.” 30 �śI never did understand how Stevie couldn’t hate her. But he 31 always got mad when I talked bad about her. He had a soft spot, 32 Stevie did. Deep down he was the sweetest boy. �ŚShe’s confused, 33 Mama.’ That’s what he said. He never seemed to get mad.” 34 Confused? Hardly, Jamison thought. He remembered Laura on S 35 R 36 2 8 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 286 A M Y G U T M A N 1 the witness stand, twisting her hands together. She’d spoken so 2 softly he could barely hear. Terrified, not confused. 3 �śAnd what about Diane Massey? Did Steven ever talk about 4 her?” 5 A long sigh ending in a heavy wheeze. Brenda’s lungs didn’t 6 sound good. �śYou know, I warned him not to talk to that gal. She 7 was only in it for the money.” 8 �śHow did he feel when the book was published? Do you know 9 if he actually read it?” 10 �śYeah, he read it all right. Five or six times at least.” 11 �śWas he angry about it?” 12 �śAngry? No, I don’t reckon so. I looked at that book once. 13 Made me want to throw up. But Stevie �" he got himself a signed 14 copy, had her send him one. I’d say, �ŚStevie, don’t you see what 15 they’re doin’? Don’t you see they’re takin’ advantage?’ But he’d 16 just sort of shrug, like he didn’t really care. I remember once him 17 sayin’, �ŚMama, she’s just doin’ her job.’ �ŚHer job?’ I asked him. 18 �ŚWell, okay, fine. But why you gotta help her?’ ” 19 Someone was knocking on Jamison’s door. It had to be a mis-20 take. He tried to ignore it, but the sound continued, louder than 21 before. 22 �śExcuse me, Mrs. Hollworthy,” he said. And bounded toward 23 the door. 24 Through the peephole, he recognized the front desk clerk with 25 her neat helmet of curls. �śI’m on the phone,” he said sharply. 26 �śCan I call you when I’m off?” 27 She stared gamely up at the door as if trying to make eye con-28 tact. �śI’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Jamison, but it’s an urgent mes-29 sage. Lieutenant Lambert at the police station. He wants you to 30 call right away.” 31 h 32 33 Beneath the yellow glow of the porch light, Rick seemed ner-34 vous. A light rain was coming down, more a mist than a down-35 S pour. Dressed in jeans, holding an umbrella, Rick was shifting 36 R from foot to foot. For a split second, she softened toward him �" 2 8 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 287 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y he looked so vulnerable. But that was habit, nothing but habit. 1 She wasn’t going to give in. 2 She took a deep breath and opened the door. 3 �śCallie,” he said softly. 4 She could tell that he’d had to stop himself from reaching out 5 to hug her. Quickly, she turned toward the living room. Rick fol-6 lowed her. 7 Callie gestured Rick to the couch. She sat down in a chair. 8 From across the room, they looked at each other. The distance 9 yawned between them. 10 Rick was sitting on the edge of a cushion, leaning slightly for-11 ward. As if he were trying in this small way to bring her closer to 12 him. 13 �śI owe you an explanation,” he said. 14 �śIt doesn’t really matter.” 15 A look of pain crossed his face. 16 �śIt matters to me,” he said. 17 There were only a few yards between them, but he seemed very 18 far away. She wondered why she didn’t care, why she wasn’t more 19 curious. 20 There was a constant buzz in the back of her mind: they know, 21 they know, they know. Soon, her past would hit the news. It was 22 only a matter of time. 23 �śCallie? Are you listening to me?” 24 �śYeah. Sure,” she said. 25 Rick sighed and flexed his knuckles, staring at his hands. He 26 seemed to be searching for a way to begin, perhaps waiting for her 27 to help. But when time passed, and she didn’t speak, he finally 28 started to talk. 29 �śWhen I was a kid, I had this friend. His name was Billy 30 O’Malley. We went to school together, played sports, double-31 dated at the senior prom. My dad was an English professor. Billy’s 32 was a cop. You can imagine, if you’re a kid, which one is cooler. 33 The O’Malleys had this big, rambling house. Five kids, two or 34 three dogs. I was always hanging out there. It was just the best S 35 place to be.” R 36 2 8 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 288 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Sitting erect in her straight-backed chair, Callie felt like a 2 statue. This story from Rick’s childhood had nothing to do with 3 her. Vaguely, she wondered what he was thinking, why he was 4 telling her this. But to ask him that, she would have to speak, and 5 that would take too much effort. 6 �śWhen I was twelve,” Rick went on, �śI told my dad I was going 7 to be a cop. Billy and I had it all worked out. We were going to be 8 partners. My father tried to argue with me, told me that I could 9 do better. But the fact that he was opposed to it just made me 10 more determined.” 11 Until now, he’d been staring down. Now he glanced up at Cal-12 lie. Her face was smooth as marble. He looked back at his hands. 13 �śI went to college in upstate New York. Billy and I were room-14 mates. We’d already taken the test to join the NYPD. �ŚHired at 15 twenty, retired at forty,’ that was Billy’s father’s mantra. College 16 put us a little behind but only a couple years. 17 �śAfter school, it was pretty much exactly like we’d planned. 18 We got assigned as partners, worked the midnight shift. A lot of 19 guys didn’t want midnights, but we �" we both liked it. There 20 was less supervision to worry about, and you made a little more 21 money. The only thing was, Billy had gotten married, and his 22 wife didn’t like the hours. He kept promising her that he’d do 23 something, but it just never seemed to happen. 24 �śFrom the start, I liked being a cop. No two days were the 25 same. I liked being out on the street, trying to keep people safe. 26 It probably sounds corny, but I really did feel that way. And 27 then . . .” 28 Rick’s face seemed to darken. He took a deep breath and 29 went on. 30 �śThere are things you learn as a cop, rules that become second 31 nature. Never hold your radio in your shooting hand. Shoot for 32 center mass. And another one that I’d never forgotten until . . . 33 until that night. In a domestic violence situation, you’ve got to 34 move them out of the kitchen.” 35 S The most dangerous room in the house. Callie felt suddenly cold, 36 R 2 8 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 289 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y her mouth dry as paper. She wanted to say that she’d heard 1 enough, but Rick just kept talking. 2 �śIt was November twentieth, a Tuesday. Right before Thanks-3 giving. Carla was four or five months pregnant, and Billy was just 4 thrilled. The radio call came in around two a.m. A domestic on 5 One hundred and tenth. When we got to the apartment, it was 6 quiet. We didn’t hear a thing. This guy answers the door. White 7 guy in khakis and a T-shirt. He seems surprised to see us. �ŚYou 8 must have the wrong apartment,’ he says. When we ask if we can 9 come in anyway, he says, �ŚSure, no problem.’ 10 �śIt’s one of those New York apartments that’s been cut up from 11 a much bigger space. So when you walk in, you’re standing in the 12 kitchen. But for some reason, I’m not thinking about that. Nei-13 ther of us is, I guess. Maybe because the guy seems so relaxed, we 14 think that maybe he’s telling the truth. Or maybe because, when 15 you first walk in, you normally don’t think kitchen. Somebody 16 must have been cooking, though. The place smelled like fried 17 onions. 18 �śBilly stays with the guy �" keeping an eye on him �" and I 19 walk toward the back of the room. �ŚIs there anyone else home?’ 20 Billy asks. The guy says no. And then, from behind a closed door, 21 I hear this sort of moaning. 22 �śAfter that . . . everything gets confused. I think I must have 23 moved forward, toward the door and the sound. But then, at al-24 most the same time, Billy’s yelling too. Things must have hap-25 pened really fast, but it felt like slow motion. I turn back around. 26 Billy’s on the ground. The guy’s lunging toward me with a carv-27 ing knife. Somehow, I manage to pull my gun. I shoot him in the 28 chest and just keep going until all the bullets are gone. Next 29 thing I remember, I’m down with Billy. Blood’s pouring out of his 30 throat. He gives this sort of pleading look, like Don’t let this hap-31 pen. Then his head fell back and that . . . that was it. 32 �śAfter I called for backup, I just sat there and cried. I kept re-33 membering things from the past, things from when we were kids. 34 Like how Billy was the one who told me Santa Claus wasn’t real. S 35 R 36 2 8 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 290 A M Y G U T M A N 1 How we got in trouble for sneaking into the movies one day 2 when we were broke. And I remembered his wedding, being best 3 man, how goofy we’d looked in those tuxes. I kept thinking about 4 Carla and the kid he’d never know. 5 �śThat’s where I was when backup got there, holding his head 6 in my lap. I’d totally forgotten about the sound behind the door. 7 She was dead, too, by the time they got there, stabbed more than 8 fifty times. The M.E. said she’d have died anyway, but I’ve always 9 sort of wondered. The next two months are a blur. The guilt just 10 leveled me. There were some days I couldn’t get out of bed. I 11 wished that I’d died too.” 12 Suddenly, the words stopped. Silence flooded the room. The 13 lights of a passing car flashed across Rick’s face. Rain tapped 14 against the windowpanes. It was coming down harder now. 15 �śBut it wasn’t your fault,” Callie said. �śBoth of you were there.” 16 �śI was the one who survived,” he said. �śIt had to be my fault.” 17 �śAnd now? Is that still what you think?” 18 He studied his hands again. She knew those hands, the long 19 fingers, the slight roughness of the palms. 20 �śI don’t know,” he said. �śEven if it wasn’t all my fault, I still 21 could have stopped it. That’s what Billy’s father thought. I could 22 see it in his eyes. At the funeral, he barely looked at me, didn’t 23 say a word. After the investigation, I tried going back to work. 24 But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it. At night, some-25 times, I’d take out my gun and think about killing myself. Some-26 times, I’d hold it against my head and almost pull the trigger. One 27 day, this sergeant calls me over. He looks at me for a good long 28 time. �ŚRick,’ he says, �Śyou gotta leave this job, or you’ll end up 29 eating your gun.’ I acted like I didn’t understand, but I knew that 30 he was right. 31 �śFor two years after I quit, I didn’t really do much. Went out to 32 Colorado for a while, worked at a ski resort. Sometime around 33 that first summer I realized that Carla must have had the baby. I 34 thought about calling her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. 35 S She hadn’t wanted Billy to work midnights, and I was the reason 36 R 2 9 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 291 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y he stayed. If it wasn’t for me, he’d still be alive. I knew that’s what 1 she’d be thinking. 2 �śAfter that, I moved up here. It seemed like a good idea. Keep 3 myself busy, get back to work but someplace totally different. And 4 that’s how it was, until last fall. Then I met you and Anna. Watch-5 ing Anna, I started to wonder about Carla and the baby. I made 6 some calls, found out she’d remarried, was living in Forest Hills. 7 �śIt took a while for me to get the nerve, but I finally picked up 8 the phone. When I said my name, she started to cry, but she was 9 glad to hear from me. The baby wasn’t a baby anymore �" he was 10 six years old. He was William Jr. �" they called him Will �" and 11 he was smart as a tack. But after Carla remarried, he’d started 12 having problems. A year ago, she’d had a baby girl and things had 13 gotten worse. We talked for a couple of hours about, well, every-14 thing. Then, as we’re about to hang up, she asks me if I’ll come to 15 see them. She has this idea that, if I meet Will, somehow it will 16 help him. 17 �śOf course, I say that I will. We go ahead and set a date. The 18 thing is, I tried to tell you, but I couldn’t talk about it. You and I 19 had been dating a couple of months. I just wasn’t ready. So I came 20 up with this story about my father. He’d been sick a couple of 21 years ago, and, well . . . you know the rest. I thought the trip 22 would be a one-time thing, but it didn’t turn out that way. Later, 23 I wanted to tell you, but I just didn’t know how. I knew you’d be 24 pissed that I’d lied to you. I didn’t know what to do.” 25 Finally, he looked up at her, seeking some response. Her mind 26 was filled with the sudden knowledge of how alike they were. 27 She’d blamed herself for Dahlia Schuyler’s death. He’d blamed 28 himself for Billy’s. It seemed ironic, and also sad, that they’d both 29 had to struggle alone. Both of them had had their reasons. Still, 30 it was sad. 31 Callie took a deep breath. �śI have something to say as well. I 32 guess it’s a night for confessions.” 33 Could she just go ahead and tell him? It seemed far too easy. 34 But of course, that’s exactly what it was. A few simple words. S 35 R 36 2 9 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 292 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śLike you,” she began, �śI moved to Merritt to get away from 2 something. I wanted to start over, where no one knew who I was. 3 Before I got married, when I lived in Nashville, I �"” She faltered 4 briefly. Actually saying the words to Rick was harder than she’d 5 expected. �śI was . . . involved with Steven Gage. You know, the 6 serial killer.” 7 While she saw Rick’s eyes widen, she didn’t wait for him to 8 speak. 9 �śWhen Steven was arrested in Nashville, we’d been dating for 10 several years.” 11 �śJesus.” Rick’s voice was incredulous. �śThat . . . that girl who 12 testified against him. That . . . that was you?” 13 Callie slowly nodded. 14 There. It was done. 15 But before she realized what was happening, Rick was off the 16 couch. In an instant he was there beside her, grabbing hold of 17 her arms. Roughly, he pushed a sleeve up, exposing the soft, 18 scarred flesh. 19 �śDid he do this to you? Is that where these came from?” His 20 voice was thick with feeling. He was angry, though not with her. 21 Quickly, Callie pulled down the sleeve, cradled her arms to her 22 body. 23 �śNo,” she said softly. �śI did that myself.” 24 Rick was looking hard at her. He didn’t quite believe her. But 25 the time for lies was over. It was time to tell the truth. 26 �śAs a kid, the depression wasn’t too bad, but by high school, it 27 was pretty awful. Sometimes I had the strangest feeling that I 28 barely even existed. When I cut myself, that feeling went away. 29 And it didn’t hurt, not at first. It gave me this sense of euphoria. 30 It took away the pain. For once, I felt in control of my life. I felt 31 like no one could touch me.” 32 �śGage �" he did that to the women he killed. He cut their 33 arms like that.” 34 Nodding slowly, Callie fingered an arm through the fabric of 35 S her sleeve. The scars had faded with the passage of time, but 36 R they’d never disappear. 2 9 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 293 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śThe night when I first met Steven, he saw the marks on my 1 arms. I was working as a waitress in a restaurant where the uni-2 forms had short sleeves. I can still picture that blouse we wore, 3 white cotton with orange piping. In a way, it was a blessing be-4 cause I had to control myself. Fresh cuts, especially if they were 5 deep, would have drawn attention. I really needed the job. I told 6 myself I couldn’t risk it. 7 �śThen, two nights before Steven came in, I had a sort of re-8 lapse. I drank a bunch of vodka and made a new row of cuts. The 9 next day, I called in sick, but I was scared to do it again. I ban-10 daged up the worst of them and tried to keep my arms down. But 11 while I was taking Steven’s order, I could tell he saw the cuts. He 12 was telling me what he wanted to eat, but his eyes were on my 13 arms. He didn’t say anything that night, but he came back a week 14 later. This time, he asked me out for drinks. 15 �śWe went to the Wursthaus in Harvard Square and drank a lot 16 of beer. At first, I thought maybe he was a shrink and wanted to 17 give me advice. But he didn’t talk about the cuts at first, even 18 though he kept looking at them. Then after maybe an hour or so, 19 he reached out and touched them. He told me they were beauti-20 ful, like some kind of art. Even though I was pretty drunk, I knew 21 this was weird. At the same time, I immediately had this incred-22 ible sense of relief. Someone had embraced the part of me that I 23 was most ashamed of. It wasn’t really me that he was seeing, but 24 I didn’t know that then.” 25 �śWhat do you mean it wasn’t you?” 26 Callie dropped her eyes. �śIt had to do with his mother. When 27 Steven was three years old, she tried to kill herself. He found her 28 naked on the bathroom floor, wrists slit, bleeding to death. You’d 29 never have guessed, but his mother �" she used to look like the 30 victims. Slim, blonde, beautiful really. Just like the girls he 31 killed.” 32 �śThat part . . . I never heard about that.” 33 �śSometimes, I’d wake up and see Steven staring at my arms. 34 The scars on my arms, I mean. I think he used them to fuel his S 35 fantasies. I reminded him of his mother.” R 36 2 9 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 294 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śYou can’t know that for sure,” Rick said. 2 �śI’m pretty sure,” said Callie. 3 She waited for Rick to contradict her, but he didn’t say any-4 thing. 5 �śThe cutting, how long did you do it?” Rick’s voice was gentle. 6 His voice told Callie that he didn’t care, didn’t mind that she’d 7 lied. With a sort of wonder, she realized that Rick still loved her. 8 And yet, this fact didn’t seem to matter. Her own heart was 9 frozen. 10 �śFor eight or nine years,” she said, answering his question. �śIt 11 started when I was in high school, went on until Anna was born.” 12 �śDo you miss it?” he asked. 13 She gave an awkward shrug. �śI miss the relief it used to bring, 14 but I know it wouldn’t work now. It’s like drinking or anything 15 else that you turn to for escape. You feel better temporarily, then 16 it just makes things worse. I miss what I thought it could do for 17 me, free me from my fears. But that was an illusion, anyway. So I 18 guess I don’t miss it, really.” 19 Rick wandered over to a window and stared out into the rain. 20 For some reason, the sight of his back made her feel infinitely 21 lonely. 22 �śWhy didn’t you tell me?” It was the question she’d waited for. 23 �śI . . . I don’t know. It’s hard for me to trust people, to trust 24 men especially. But I trusted you a lot, more than anyone in a 25 long time. You had a secret too, you know. You should under-26 stand.” 27 �śIt’s different,” he said. �śI lied to you. There wasn’t a clear way 28 out. But you . . . all you did was withhold something. It’s really 29 not the same.” 30 Callie thought a moment. �śI guess I don’t see it that way. I was 31 talking to someone recently, this woman lawyer I know. She said 32 that there’s this securities law that requires you to give informa-33 tion, that just because you don’t lie straight out doesn’t mean 34 you’re okay. She has this idea that relationships should be held to 35 S that same standard. A duty to disclose, she called it. I sort of agree 36 R with that.” 2 9 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 295 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śWe’re people, Callie, human beings. All of us make mistakes.” 1 �śAnd mistakes have consequences.” 2 Too late, she saw him wince. 3 �śI didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I didn’t mean . . . you 4 know.” 5 Another long silence, filled with the sound of rain. 6 �śI still don’t understand,” Rick said finally, �śwhy you didn’t tell 7 me. I know you, Callie. You’re an honest person. You wouldn’t 8 want to live like that. It’s one of the reasons I felt so bad after I’d 9 lied to you.” 10 Callie’s body stiffened. �śYou don’t know me so well. Don’t you 11 see that now?” 12 �śBut I think I do,” Rick said slowly. �śSometimes better than 13 you know yourself. And I know that this isn’t like you. It’s just 14 not something you’d do.” 15 A buzzing sensation in Callie’s body, a warning of danger 16 ahead. There was so much she hadn’t told him yet, but it was 17 time for Rick to go. 18 �śIt’s getting late,” she said, glancing toward the door. 19 But Rick stayed exactly where he was, a strange new look on 20 his face. 21 �śAnna,” he said softly. �śIt’s Anna, isn’t it?” 22 Callie licked her lips. �śI don’t know what you mean.” 23 But Rick’s eyes were wider now, as if he’d grasped a truth. 24 �śAnna is Steven Gage’s daughter. You didn’t want to tell her.” 25 A cold wind was blowing through her. Her heart was an open 26 door. 27 This wasn’t, couldn’t be, happening. 28 How could he have known? 29 30 h 31 Rain was coming down in heavy sheets, obscuring the road 32 ahead. Mike Jamison was doing seventy-five on the dark, unfa-33 miliar highway. The sullen glow of his headlights faded into the 34 night. Windshield wipers slapped back and forth, giving flashes of S 35 clarity. R 36 2 9 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 296 A M Y G U T M A N 1 But he wasn’t thinking about the weather; his thoughts were 2 on Lester Crain. Lester Crain was in custody. He still couldn’t be-3 lieve it. Crain had been apprehended earlier that night after run-4 ning a red light. When he refused to pull over, a chase had 5 ensued, until, finally, he was cornered. He’d been driving a stolen 6 Toyota Camry and carrying false IDs. The driver claimed his 7 name was Peter Welch, but his fingerprints matched Crain’s. 8 Jamison swung into the police barracks parking lot, back 9 where he’d started the day. There was a handful of cars by the 10 building’s entrance. No TV trucks yet. The radio call must have 11 gone out as a traffic violation. The reporters would be pissed as 12 hell when they discovered what they’d missed. 13 He gave his name to a receptionist and was quickly ushered 14 back. In the observation room, he joined the onlookers gazing 15 through the one-way glass. He saw Lambert at the end of the line, 16 several guys he didn’t know. The rock-faced one in a dark suit he 17 took for FBI. There was one woman in the gathering, in a 18 pantsuit and horn-rimmed glasses. Her hair was cut in a short 19 blonde bob. She reminded him of Melanie. 20 Taking his place in the silent group, he saw Lester Crain. 21 There was something surreal about finding Crain here, in this 22 small-town state police barracks. For years he’d eluded capture by 23 the nation’s top law officers. And now, when they’d all but given 24 up, here he finally was. 25 Crain was slightly built with a concave chest and a ferretlike 26 face. There was nothing especially striking about him. Your basic 27 low-life punk. His green T-shirt was crumpled and stained. He 28 looked like he must smell. 29 Ed Farrell, the state police detective, was in the room with 30 Crain. He stood against a wall, gazing down at Crain, wearing a 31 sour expression. 32 �śYou’re not helping yourself, Lester. We already know you’re 33 lying.” Farrell’s voice echoed through the scratchy intercom. 34 �śNot lyin’,” Crain mumbled. �śYou fuckin’ don’t know a thing.” 35 S He slid farther down in the wooden chair and thrust out his lower 36 R lip. 2 9 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 297 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śStupid-ass cops,” Crain muttered, to no one in particular. 1 Jamison felt a hand on his shoulder. �śHey.” It was Lambert. 2 �śCongratulations,” Jamison said, keeping his voice low. 3 �śThanks,” Lambert whispered back. �śPretty amazing, huh?” 4 �śDamn right.” Jamison was watching Crain. �śHow’s it going 5 so far?” 6 �śHe threw us a hell of a twist right before you got here. He de-7 nies having anything to do with Posy Kisch’s death. But he ad-8 mits to killing Diane Massey and to kidnapping Anna Thayer.” 9 Impossible, Jamison thought. He doesn’t work like that. If 10 Crain had abducted Anna Thayer, she wouldn’t be alive. 11 �śHe’s lying,” Jamison said flatly. �śWe know that he killed 12 Kisch. The DNA, the signature �" everything adds up. He didn’t 13 kill Massey, though, or kidnap the Thayer girl. For some reason, 14 he wants us to believe that he did. The question now is why?” 15 Inside the interrogation room, Farrell was talking again. 16 �śOkay,” he said. �śYou killed Diane Massey. So tell me about 17 that, Lester. I want to know the details. Tell me how it went 18 down.” 19 Crain’s lips twitched up in a cold smile. �śI hit her,” he said. �śI 20 was pretty drunk. I don’t recall with what. Probably something I 21 found near there. I just don’t recall.” 22 �śYou don’t recall, ” Farrell said. �śSo why should I believe you?” 23 Crain ignored the question. �śAnd I strangled her,” he said. 24 �śYou strangled her,” Farrell repeated. �śI don’t suppose you rec-25 ollect what sort of tie you used?” 26 �śIt’s called a ligature,” said Crain. 27 �śOkay. Ligature.” 28 Crain smiled to himself, as if remembering. �śBlack panty 29 hose,” he said. 30 On the other side of the one-way glass, Jamison shook his head. 31 �śThat was in the press,” he muttered. �śCrain just picked it up.” 32 �śYou know the size?” Farrell was asking. 33 �śNah.” 34 �śBrand name?” S 35 �śIt wasn’t like I planned to wear them. I didn’t pay attention.” R 36 2 9 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 298 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śWhere’d you buy them?” 2 �śDon’t recall. I’d had ’em a pretty long time.” 3 �śWeeks? Months? Years?” 4 �śYeah.” 5 �śWhich one?” 6 �śDon’t recall.” 7 From the other side of the one-way glass, Jamison shook his 8 head. �śHe hasn’t told us anything he couldn’t have read in the 9 papers. The stuff they held back �" size, brand �" he can’t answer 10 those questions.” 11 �śLike he said, he might have forgotten,” said Lambert. 12 �śNot him. Not those sorts of things.” 13 �śBut why would he lie?” Lambert asked. �śWhy confess to a 14 murder he didn’t commit?” 15 �śHe wishes he’d done it,” Jamison said. �śThat’s one explana-16 tion.” 17 From what happened next, it almost seemed as if Crain could 18 hear their conversation. Until this point, he’d stared at the floor 19 with occasional glances at Farrell. Now he turned toward the 20 mirrored glass, gazing straight at them. 21 �śI cut up her arms,” he said. 22 Jamison stared at him, the blood humming in his veins. For the 23 first time, Crain had offered a detail that only the killer should 24 know. They’d withheld the part about Diane’s arms for precisely 25 this reason. To have a way of distinguishing between true and 26 false confessions. 27 �śCut up her arms, like, how?” asked Farrell. 28 �śWith a knife, I ripped them straight up the insides, starting by 29 the hands.” 30 Lambert was slowly shaking his head, a look of wonder on his 31 face. �śJesus Christ, Callie Thayer was right. It was fucking Lester 32 Crain.” 33 Jamison didn’t say anything. What was there to say? He’d been 34 so confident that he was right, so certain of his theories. And 35 S now? Now, what did he think? Again, he heard Crain’s voice. �śI 36 R ripped them straight up the insides, starting by the hands.” 2 9 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 299 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Could someone have leaked the information to Crain? Highly, 1 highly unlikely. But how else, unless he was the killer, could 2 Crain have known this fact? For the first time since his arrival in 3 Merritt, Jamison felt unsure. Had he let pride �" arrogance �" 4 blind him to the truth? 5 �śWhat did you use to cut her?” That was Farrell again. 6 Crain grinned. He seemed in excellent spirits, sensing the stir 7 he’d caused. �śYou’re something else, you know that? Seems to 8 me I’ve given you enough to work with. I ain’t gonna say any 9 more.” 10 Farrell had taken a seat at the table. He was face-to-face with 11 Crain. �śYou give Diane any sort of warning? That you were gonna 12 kill her, I mean?” 13 �śThe note,” Jamison said softly. �śThat’s where he’s going now.” 14 Crain raised his hands. �śYou don’t understand English? I said I’m 15 done talkin’. You don’t believe I killed Massey? Fine. Let me go.” 16 �śWhat about Anna Thayer? How come you didn’t kill her? 17 That’s not like you, Lester, not to murder and torture the girl.” 18 Crain’s eyes glistened, but he didn’t answer Farrell. 19 �śLet’s talk about Kisch again. That college girl you killed.” 20 �śI told you I’m done talkin’.” 21 Farrell stood up, stretched his arms, and yawned elaborately. 22 �śThat’s fine by me. I get overtime. I can stay here all night.” 23 Crain scowled and stared at the wall. 24 A minute or two, then Lambert said, �śLooks like that’s all for 25 now.” 26 He turned to Jamison. �śSo what do you think?” 27 Jamison rubbed his chin. �śI don’t know. There’s something . . . 28 I still don’t buy it, that Crain killed Massey.” 29 �śBut those gashes along her arms,” said Lambert. �śHow else 30 could he have known?” 31 �śHow long was the body left at the scene?” 32 �śI couldn’t say for sure. But you know the usual drill. It 33 wouldn’t have been for long. Not long enough for Crain to read 34 about the murder and get himself to the island.” S 35 �śYou know,” Jamison said slowly. �śHe could just be guessing. R 36 2 9 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 300 A M Y G U T M A N 1 That’s how Gage cut the arms of his victims. He could have made 2 the leap.” 3 Lambert looked at him doubtfully. �śSo you still think we’ve got 4 two killers, both of them obsessed with Steven Gage? One of 5 them copying his handiwork, the other claiming to?” 6 Again, the flicker of uncertainty. Was it possible he was wrong? 7 Years had passed since he’d retired. Had time dulled his instincts? 8 As if sensing Jamison’s hesitation, Lambert pressed ahead. 9 �śWe’ve linked Crain to the Kisch murder. We know that he’s 10 been active. I know what you said about Crain’s signature, but it’s 11 been a real long time. Maybe Crain’s an exception to the rule. 12 Most rules have exceptions.” 13 �śI guess it’s possible,” Jamison said. It cost him some effort to 14 say that. 15 Lambert clapped him on the shoulder. �śThat’s all I wanted to 16 hear.” 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 3 0 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 301 Wednesday, May 17 Ca l l i e woke up abruptly with a sense that something was 1 wrong. She jumped out of bed and ran to Anna’s room. Her 2 daughter was fast asleep. She knelt down beside Anna’s bed, 3 drinking in her presence. The pink cheeks, the rosebud mouth, 4 the faint soapy smell. Then, reluctantly, she pulled away. She 5 didn’t want to wake her. 6 Heading back to her own room, she felt anxious again. She 7 knew that Anna was safe in bed. What was wrong? What was it? It 8 wasn’t even five yet. She had to get some sleep. But just as she 9 climbed back in bed, the answer suddenly hit her. The reporters’ 10 phone calls from yesterday. That’s why she felt so anxious. Had 11 her silence managed to stop them, or had they run with what 12 they had? 13 Her Walkman was still on her desk, where she’d left it early 14 Sunday morning. She pulled on the headphones and turned the 15 dial until she found the news. The announcer was talking about 16 UMass budget cuts. A good sign, she thought. 17 Still in her nightgown, she walked downstairs to make a pot of 18 coffee. The radio voice became a distant buzz, a backdrop to her 19 thoughts. Anna hadn’t been to school this week. She’d be falling 20 behind. Callie made a mental note to get homework sent home. 21 She was filling the coffee pot with water when she heard the 22 words Lester Crain. The container dropped from her hand with a 23 thud and rolled in the sink. 24 �śAccording to state police, Crain was picked up on I-91 after 25 running a traffic light. His capture brings to conclusion a man-S 26 hunt that’s lasted for close to a decade. Crain escaped from a Ten-R 27 3 0 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 302 A M Y G U T M A N 1 nessee prison while awaiting retrial for the torture-murder of a 2 Tennessee teenager. State police detective Ed Farrell says there is 3 substantial evidence linking Crain to the murder of Windham 4 sophomore Posy Kisch. The young woman’s body was found early 5 Sunday morning near the Connecticut River. Meanwhile, police 6 are also exploring the possibility that Crain was behind the Sat-7 urday night kidnapping of ten-year-old Anna Thayer. The Mer-8 ritt fifth grader was released unharmed the following day.” 9 Leaning against the counter, Callie took deep breaths. Her 10 thoughts were spinning wildly. They got him, was her first thought. 11 But with the euphoria came something else, a devastating knowl-12 edge. The child she loved beyond everything had been in this mon-13 ster’s hands. The thought was obscene, unbearable. She couldn’t 14 comprehend it. 15 By the time she could think clearly again, the announcer had 16 moved on, something about renovation plans for the Merritt 17 public library. Callie found Lambert’s card where she’d stuffed it 18 in her wallet. She pulled off the headphones, closed the door, sat 19 down, and dialed his number. 20 He picked up on the second ring. 21 �śIs it true?” she demanded. �śI heard the news. You captured 22 Crain?” 23 �śI was about to call you,” he said. For the first time since they’d 24 met, Lambert sounded tired. 25 �śSo it’s over now?” Callie pressed. �śI mean, he’s the one?” 26 �śWe’ve linked him to Posy Kisch’s murder. We don’t know if 27 he kidnapped Anna.” 28 The world seemed to tilt. 29 �śBut . . . I don’t understand,” said Callie. �śI mean, how could it 30 not be him? Two attacks right here in Merritt. The whole con-31 nection to Steven.” 32 �śWe’ve got some . . . complicating factors.” 33 �śDid you ask him about Anna?” 34 �śYes.” 35 S �śWhat did he say?” 36 R �śI can’t tell you that.” 3 0 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 303 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śWhat do you mean, you can’t tell me? My God, I’m her 1 mother.” 2 �śMs. Thayer, this is an ongoing investigation. As soon as we 3 can make anything public, I’ll be sure to let you know.” 4 �śSo what you’re saying” �" she picked her words carefully �" 5 �śis that the kidnapper may still be out there.” 6 �śIt’s possible,” Lambert said. �śWe just don’t know.” 7 �śWhat about Diane and Melanie? What about the notes we 8 got? I mean, how could there be two different killers, both with 9 ties to Steven? Unless . . . unless they’re working together. Is that 10 what’s going on?” 11 �śMs. Thayer, I’m sorry, but I can’t say anything more. I prom-12 ise to contact you just as soon as we know something.” 13 �śAnd until then?” Callie asked angrily. �śUntil then, what do 14 we do?” 15 �śWe have you under twenty-four-hour surveillance. You’ll be 16 perfectly safe.” 17 �śBut how long? How long will it be like this?” 18 �śI wish I could tell you that.” 19 20 It was after ten when Anna, still in her pajamas, finally straggled 21 downstairs. She plunked herself down at the kitchen table, with 22 a mumbled �śG’morning.” Callie poured Anna a glass of orange 23 juice along with one for herself. She’d have liked one more cup of 24 coffee, but she’d already finished the pot. 25 �śI thought I’d make pancakes,” Callie said brightly. �śHow does 26 that sound to you?” 27 Anna rubbed her eyes. �śI’m not really hungry,” she said. 28 �śYou want some cereal? A scrambled egg?” 29 �śMaybe a piece of toast.” 30 Callie almost said, �śYou have to eat,” but managed to stop her-31 self. In the big picture, what did it matter if Anna ate breakfast 32 today? She stuck two pieces of bread in the toaster and found 33 some strawberry jam. Outside, a thick gray cover of clouds hung 34 low in the dusky sky. The air was heavy with humidity. Another S 35 storm on the way. R 36 3 0 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 304 A M Y G U T M A N 1 When the toast popped up, Callie spread it with jam and 2 handed the plate to Anna. 3 �śYou sure you don’t want anything else?” 4 �śNot right now,” said Anna. 5 As she watched Anna eat, Callie wished that she could turn 6 on the radio. Right before Anna had come downstairs, she’d 7 scanned the stations again. There’d been more reports about 8 Crain’s capture but no new details. Nothing yet about her own 9 past life. For that, at least, she was grateful. 10 Still, Jamison was right; it was only a matter of time. She won-11 dered if it would have been better to tell the truth from the start. 12 But even now she couldn’t imagine what she would have said to 13 Anna. It was hard enough growing up, without this kind of bur-14 den. She herself had had two loving parents, a devoted older sis-15 ter. And still she’d had a profound sense of being inadequate. 16 Knowing that your father was a serial killer �" she couldn’t imag-17 ine that. She herself would have viewed such knowledge as con-18 firming her deepest fears. She’d wanted to spare Anna this, which 19 is why she’d never told her. Anna hadn’t chosen her father. She 20 deserved a normal childhood. 21 Callie tried to imagine sitting down with Anna, setting out the 22 facts. She tried to think what Anna would say, but her mind 23 came up blank. 24 �śSweetie,” she said. �śI need to talk to you. About something 25 real important.” 26 Anna looked up, fear in her eyes. �śIs it . . . about the man who 27 took me?” 28 �śNo, honey, no. It’s about something else.” 29 She looked at Anna’s plate. �śAre you finished?” 30 �śUh-huh.” 31 �śLet’s go to the den.” 32 The den was usually just a place to watch TV or play board 33 games. But the living room faced the front of the house. The den 34 felt more protected. 35 S The couch in the den was brown corduroy, worn and gently 36 R sagging. Callie sat down first and pulled Anna toward her. Nor-3 0 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 305 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y mally, Anna would have squirmed away. She was far too old for 1 this. Today, though, she seemed just as happy to nestle in Callie’s 2 arms. 3 Callie angled Anna into a cushion so she could meet her eyes. 4 �śOkay. There are some things I have to tell you now. It’s okay if 5 you’re mad.” 6 She kept looking into Anna’s eyes, the small, trusting face. 7 She’d have done just about anything to avoid what she had to say. 8 �śYou know a few weeks ago, how we were talking about your 9 dad?” 10 �śUh-huh,” Anna said. 11 �śWell, the thing is,” �" and here Callie held her tighter �" 12 �śyou have another father.” 13 Anna looked at her, confused. �śYou mean, I have two fathers?” 14 �śYour daddy from back in Indiana, I met him after you were al-15 ready born.” 16 Anna stared at Callie. �śSo he’s not my real daddy.” It wasn’t a 17 question. She’d grasped the facts, but her voice was strangely 18 blank. 19 �śHe would have been. He wanted to be. He was going to adopt 20 you. But before that happened, we separated.” 21 But Anna hardly seemed to be listening. She was staring at her 22 hands, twirling a finger round and round, over and over again. 23 �śSo where is he?” she whispered. 24 �śHe . . . he died,” Callie said. �śHe died a long time ago.” 25 �śYou mean before I was born?” 26 �śNo, after that.” 27 Anna’s mouth had started to tremble. �śHow come you never 28 told me? Didn’t he want to see me?” 29 �śHe was too sick,” Callie said. �śHe was sick in his mind. I 30 didn’t tell him when you were born. I didn’t want him to know. 31 But Anna” �" and here she gripped her daughter’s shoulder �" 32 �śhe really would have loved you. If I’d ever told him about you, 33 he’d have fought until they made me let him see you.” 34 Anna’s eyes had drifted down again. �śWhat happened to him?” S 35 she said. R 36 3 0 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 306 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śHe . . . he did some very bad things. He had to go to prison. 2 After that �" this was in Tennessee �" they decided to put him 3 to death.” 4 �śWho decided?” Anna asked. 5 �śThe jury. And the judge.” 6 �śIn an electric chair?” Anna’s eyes were huge. 7 �śNo.” Callie was rocking her now. �śThey gave him chemicals. 8 It was just like he had to go to sleep. Like before an operation.” 9 She didn’t believe that, not for a minute, but what could she 10 say to Anna? The horror of it rolled back in on her, what he’d 11 done, what they’d done to him. This was far worse than she’d 12 imagined, the telling of this thing. 13 Anna looked up at Callie. �śDid he kill someone?” she asked. 14 Callie met her daughter’s eyes. �śYes,” she said. �śHe did.” 15 �śOne person or more than one?” 16 �śMore than one,” said Callie. 17 �śHis name, it was Steven, wasn’t it? My real daddy’s name.” 18 A moment of shock before Callie remembered the kidnapper’s 19 ramblings. That’s how Anna knew the name. She must have 20 made the connection. 21 �śIs your real name Laura, Mommy?” Anna’s voice was small. 22 �śMy whole name is Laura Caroline Thayer. People used to call 23 me Laura.” 24 �śOh,” Anna said. 25 Callie waited for another question, but Anna sat quietly, as if a 26 part of her were trying to absorb what had just been said. In her 27 lap, she clasped a pillow, her arms wrapped tightly around it. 28 �śI don’t want to talk anymore right now.” 29 �śAll right,” Callie said. As she stroked Anna’s hair, she wished 30 with all her heart that everything were different. 31 h 32 33 Melanie’s home was immaculate, sun streaming through the win-34 dows. Jamison could hardly believe that it was the same apart-35 S ment. He sat in a large armchair, Melanie on the couch. Both of 36 R the pieces were pristine white, either new or reupholstered. 3 0 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 307 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y �śI’m so grateful for everything you’ve done,” Melanie was say-1 ing. In the pale face, her eyes were the same bright blue he re-2 membered. 3 Her bare feet were tucked beneath her, her toenails painted 4 pink. She was wearing gray drawstring pants and a light pink 5 long-sleeved shirt. 6 Jamison shook his head. �śI haven’t really done much.” 7 �śBut you have. You’ve been here through everything. I don’t 8 know how to thank you.” 9 The warmth of the words was at odds with her voice, which 10 was little more than polite. From her face, he had no idea what 11 she was thinking. Since the attack, she seemed to have retreated 12 somewhere deep inside herself. Perhaps all her energies were con-13 sumed in the complex act of healing. 14 He thought back to when they’d first spoken by phone, when 15 she called him out of the blue. At the time, he believed it was 16 something more than a simple professional call. When he sug-17 gested that they meet for dinner, he could tell that she was 18 pleased. But then everything had changed in that single terrible 19 night. 20 Now that he was here, he felt strangely awkward. He’d come as 21 a friend, paying a visit, and yet he barely knew her. He glanced 22 toward her bookshelf at a small arrangement of framed photo-23 graphs. His eyes lit on one of a young black woman standing by 24 the Eiffel Tower. 25 Melanie’s eyes followed his. 26 �śThat’s my best friend, Vivian. She flew back from a vacation 27 in Greece after she heard what happened.” 28 He noted the careful choice of words, the avoidance of specifics. 29 He wanted to ask about her parents, if they’d come to see her yet. 30 But, again, he didn’t know her well enough to broach such a sen-31 sitive subject. He settled for something more general. 32 �śI’m glad you weren’t alone through this.” 33 �śNot at all,” she said. �śMy fiancé, Paul, has been wonderful. 34 He’s been here every day.” S 35 He saw it then, the square-cut diamond, glittering on her left R 36 3 0 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 308 A M Y G U T M A N 1 hand. It hadn’t been there in the hospital, he was sure of that. 2 Though perhaps they’d removed her jewelry as a matter of policy. 3 �śSo you’re getting married.” He managed a smile. �śThat’s won-4 derful. I didn’t know. Is this a recent development?” 5 �śNot exactly.” She fingered the diamond ring. How could he 6 not have seen it? �śWe . . . we’d been having some problems, but 7 we’ve managed to work things out. After what happened, I real-8 ized that it was time for me to grow up. Paul showed me that I 9 could count on him. There’s a lot to be said for that.” 10 �śYes,” Jamison said quietly. �śIt’s an important quality.” 11 Looking at her, damaged and frail, he had a sudden insight. 12 She’d been fighting some sort of private battle, and now she’d 13 given up. From something in her tone when she spoke of Paul, he 14 didn’t believe that she loved him. But love was always a high-15 stakes game, and Melanie was opting out. At this point, he al-16 most said something, then thought better of it. After all, who was 17 he to question her decision? 18 She gave him an opaque blue-eyed look, then smoothly 19 changed the subject. �śHow’s the investigation going? Are there 20 any new developments?” 21 �śNothing concrete,” he said. 22 They were just marking time. 23 �śI still don’t think that Lester Crain is the man who attacked 24 me. I’ve looked at a lot of pictures and I . . . I just don’t think 25 that’s him.” 26 Jamison nodded. �śI know,” he said. �śThey �" the detectives �" 27 they’re considering everything you told them.” 28 �śI had a feeling that they wanted it to be Crain. I mean, it 29 wasn’t like they tried to pressure me. They just kept telling me to 30 take my time. They wanted me to be sure.” 31 They talked for another hour or so, about nothing in particu-32 lar. So many subjects �" everything important �" seemed to be 33 off-limits. The wedding was planned for September, at Paul’s 34 mother’s house in Southampton. They planned a small, quiet af-35 S fair, just close friends and family. She talked about going back to 36 R work, maybe in a month or two. She still had headaches and 3 0 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 309 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y spells of dizziness, but they were getting less frequent. Her firm 1 had been more supportive than she’d ever have imagined. The 2 partners had agreed to defer her consideration for partnership un-3 til next year. 4 When he got up to leave, she insisted on walking him to the 5 door. Even that slight effort seemed to take something out of her. 6 Before leaving, he surprised himself by briefly pulling her close. 7 �śTake care of yourself,” he murmured, then softly closed the door. 8 9 h 10 I used to be a nicer person. 11 The words flickered through Melanie’s mind as she leaned 12 against her door. She could still feel Mike Jamison’s embrace, his 13 hands against her shoulders. The way she’d acted, he had to 14 think that she’d barely noticed his kindness. But she was tired, so 15 very tired. She’d done the best she could. 16 Her life might not be the life she’d planned, but it was the life 17 she had. You tried to do everything right, but things still fell 18 apart. Investments failed. Husbands left. Terrible things oc-19 curred. You had to play the hand you were dealt. That’s what she 20 was doing. 21 There was no point in looking back, imagining what might 22 have been. Crossing the room, she picked up the phone and 23 punched in Paul’s number. 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 3 0 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 310 Thursday, May 18 C 1 a l l i e ? I just saw the paper.” 2 That was all Martha needed to say. Callie knew that the news 3 was out. 4 �śWhich paper?” Callie asked. Not that it really mattered. 5 News like this would travel like wildfire via the AP. If one paper 6 had gone with the story, all of them would have it. 7 �śIt was in the Globe, ” Martha said. �śI don’t know about the 8 others.” 9 Morning sun glimmered faintly through the kitchen window. 10 A few minutes before nine o’clock. The beginning of another day. 11 �śWhat did it say?” Callie asked. She was surprised at how calm 12 she felt. Maybe because for the past few days she’d expected the 13 ax to fall. 14 �śExcept for the part about . . . your past, there wasn’t a whole 15 lot new. They talked about how Anna was kidnapped. There was 16 a lot about Tennessee.” 17 �śDid they say there was some sort of connection?” 18 �śA connection?” Martha said. 19 �śOh, never mind,” Callie said. �śI’m not sure what I mean.” 20 She could tell that Martha was waiting for her to say some-21 thing more. But all she wanted was to get off the phone and let 22 the news sink in. And she needed to see the paper itself, to find 23 out what it said. 24 �śMartha,” she said, �śI’m sorry, but I’ve really got to go. I need 25 to talk to Anna about this. I’ll try to call you back, okay?” 26 S She’d barely hung up the phone when it rang again. Assuming 27 R 3 1 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 311 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y it was Martha, who’d forgotten something, she quickly picked it 1 up. But it wasn’t Martha; it was a man. Mike Jamison’s voice. 2 �śYou’ve heard the news,” she said. It was a statement, not a 3 question. 4 �śThe news? I . . . no, I slept late. Actually, I just got up.” 5 �śI just got a call from a friend. It’s out now, the part about my 6 past.” 7 She could hear him flipping through a newspaper. �śAh,” he 8 said. 9 �śWhat are you looking at?” she asked. 10 �śThe Washington Post, ” he said. �śIt’s not much of a story, really. 11 A single column on an inside page.” 12 �śOh,” said Callie. She was staring out the window. The back-13 yard was green and empty, just like on a normal day. The sun had 14 slipped behind a cloud. It looked like it was getting colder. 15 �śI’m sorry,” Jamison said, �śif this is making things harder.” 16 She shrugged, then realizing he couldn’t see her, said, �śI’m okay. 17 So much has happened in the past week, I’m still pretty numb. 18 Maybe it will hit me later, but right now, I’m okay.” 19 �śListen,” he said, �śthe reason I’m calling is to be sure you’re 20 taking precautions. I still have serious doubts that Crain is the 21 only killer.” 22 �śYou don’t think he kidnapped Anna, do you?” Callie’s voice 23 was low. 24 �śI wish I could say something different,” he said. �śBut no, I 25 really don’t.” 26 Callie sat down heavily. �śSo who then? Who could it be?” 27 �śProfiling isn’t really a science, it’s more like a kind of art. My 28 impressions are usually pretty accurate, but not a hundred per-29 cent.” 30 �śSo what are you thinking?” Callie asked. �śDo you have any 31 ideas?” 32 �śI think it’s someone familiar with your neighborhood, some-33 one who may have children. He knows about crime scene inves-34 tigation. He’s meticulous, a long-range planner.” S 35 R 36 3 1 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 312 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śYou think . . . it’s someone in law enforcement? Someone with 2 that kind of background?” 3 �śA few years ago, I would have said that, but you can’t say 4 these days. With all the true crime books, TV shows, the infor-5 mation is out there.” 6 �śYou know, they investigated my ex-boyfriend. He had an al-7 ibi, though. He was out of town, in New York, the night that 8 Anna was kidnapped.” 9 �śIt’s standard procedure to check boyfriends and husbands. 10 They’re so often the perpetrators. You always look at them first.” 11 �śThey also looked at one of my classmates, but I think they 12 cleared him too.” 13 There was something tapping at Callie’s mind, but she couldn’t 14 quite get at it. Some faint intuition, a shadowy thought, strug-15 gling to get through. 16 �śWe’re okay,” she finally said. �śWe’ve got twenty-four-hour 17 surveillance on top of the home alarm system. Besides, with all 18 the press, no one could get past. I haven’t looked outside yet, but 19 I can just imagine. I mean, after the news in the paper today, I 20 don’t want to think about it.” 21 As she spoke, she heard the swoop of a helicopter, impossibly 22 close overhead. �śThere,” she said. �śCan you hear that? The me-23 dia swat patrol.” 24 �śI talked to Steven’s mother,” Jamison said abruptly. 25 �śYou talked to Brenda?” Callie said. She suddenly felt light-26 headed. 27 �śI wanted to get a read on her.” 28 �śAnd . . . what did you find?” 29 �śShe said one thing that interested me. You and the other 30 women targeted �" she claims Steven never blamed you.” 31 �śNever blamed us,” Callie repeated. �śI’m not sure what you 32 mean.” 33 �śYour theory about revenge. You had this idea that Crain could 34 be carrying out some plan that Gage devised. That because Gage 35 S couldn’t avenge his own death, Crain was doing it for him. But 36 R based on what Brenda said, Steven never blamed you. And not 3 1 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 313 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y just you, the others too. That’s what Brenda said. Steven thought 1 Melanie did the best she could working on the appeal. He actu-2 ally liked Diane’s book, didn’t care that it made him look bad. I 3 guess he was narcissistic enough to find any book better than 4 none.” 5 �śReally,” Callie said. �śI’m surprised to hear that. But, you know, 6 even if that’s what he said to Brenda, it’s not necessarily true. 7 Steven lied a lot. Who knows what he really thought? It might 8 even have been a part of the plan. So no one would ever suspect.” 9 �śTrue.” 10 �śAnd even if Steven didn’t want revenge, Crain might have 11 wanted it for him. Maybe Crain came up with the plan. Maybe it 12 was his idea.” 13 �śI see what you’re saying, but hear me out. When I talked to 14 Brenda, I almost got the sense that Steven was grateful to you. 15 Grateful to the others as well, but especially to you.” 16 �śGrateful for turning on him?” Callie said. 17 �śGrateful for what came before. You were the closest thing he 18 ever had to real, human contact. At some level, maybe he knew 19 that. Maybe he was grateful for it.” 20 �śSo what’s your point?” Callie asked sharply. She didn’t want 21 to have this conversation. 22 �śOkay, here’s a scenario. Crain has been lying low since he es-23 caped from prison. He’s continued to kill, but he’s hidden the 24 bodies. He learned the techniques from Gage. Then he hears 25 about Massey’s murder, maybe about the black stocking. The in-26 cident serves as a stressor, what we call a triggering factor. At this 27 point, Crain’s control starts to waver. He goes to Maine, just to 28 look. He wants to see where it happened. That’s when he runs 29 into you.” 30 �śThat’s a pretty big coincidence.” 31 �śOkay, so maybe he’s been there a while. He’s not just there for 32 the day. But anyway, once he sees you, the compulsion just grows 33 stronger. He follows you back to Merritt. He’s keeping an eye on 34 you. He isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but he has to do some-S 35 thing. By this point, he’s decompensating. He’s ticking like a R 36 3 1 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 314 A M Y G U T M A N 1 time bomb. He follows you to the dance in Greenfield and sees 2 Posy Kisch. She’s his perfect victim. That’s when he really loses 3 it. He doesn’t even hide the body.” 4 �śSo you think Crain’s a red herring. Except for Posy, I mean.” 5 �śRight.” 6 �śYou think someone else kidnapped Anna?” 7 �śRight,” he said again. 8 �śIt’s pretty hard to believe,” said Callie. But then, all of this was. 9 When they’d finished talking, she hung up the phone and 10 went to find Anna. Anna was curled up on the den sofa, clutch-11 ing a purple stuffed cow. On the floor next to the couch was a tray 12 with a half-eaten sandwich. Callie realized that she’d been treat-13 ing Anna as if she were home sick from school. 14 The TV was tuned to The Lucy Show, but Anna wasn’t really 15 watching. Callie turned down the volume and sat beside her 16 daughter. 17 �śIt’s hard to be stuck inside like this, isn’t it?” Callie asked. 18 Anna toyed with the cow’s purple fur. She nodded silently. 19 �śI’ve been thinking,” Callie said. �śYou don’t have to do this 20 unless you want to, but Grams and Pappy would love to see you. 21 You could just go for a couple of days. Just to get away.” 22 �śOkay,” Anna whispered. 23 Callie looked at her, surprised. �śYou . . . you want to go?” 24 Tears filled Anna’s eyes. �śI don’t like being here,” she said. �śAll 25 those people outside. And I keep thinking that the man who 26 took me, that maybe he’ll come back.” 27 Callie pulled Anna close. �śNo one’s going to hurt you.” 28 The thought of being apart from her daughter was almost too 29 painful to bear. After everything they’d just gone through, she 30 wanted Anna with her. At the same time, she knew in her heart 31 that this was the right decision. 32 Briefly, she considered going with her daughter, leaving Mer-33 ritt behind. But even as the thought passed through her mind, 34 Callie knew it didn’t make sense. For one thing, she couldn’t do 35 S that to her parents, burden them in this way. Wherever she went 36 R now, the press would follow; she couldn’t inflict that on them. 3 1 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 315 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y But beyond that was the issue of safety. Keeping Anna safe. She 1 had no doubt that she, not Anna, was the killer’s ultimate target. 2 Wherever she went, danger would follow. She had to keep Anna 3 away. 4 A whirlwind of phone calls, and just two hours later, all the 5 plans were in place. Callie’s mother would fly into Boston tomor-6 row and take Anna home with her. The news of Anna’s kidnap-7 ping hadn’t reached the Midwestern papers, so this was the first 8 time her parents had learned of their granddaughter’s ordeal. To 9 Callie’s relief, they took the news with remarkable composure. 10 Mainly, they seemed concerned about how Anna was coping. 11 �śI’m so sorry to put you through this,” Callie said earnestly. 12 �śDon’t be ridiculous,” her mother said briskly. �śOf course we 13 want to help.” 14 Her mother was small, just five foot two, but her posture made 15 her seem taller. Callie had sometimes wished she were softer, 16 more prone to hugs and kisses. Today, though, she couldn’t think 17 of anyone she’d rather have on her side. 18 After the phone calls were over, Callie sat on her bed. So 19 much to do �" she should get started �" but she couldn’t seem to 20 move. She thought about getting Anna’s suitcase from the closet 21 down in the basement. But first she had to let Anna know that 22 she’d be leaving tomorrow. Already, her mind was running through 23 what Anna needed to pack. Her red jacket in case it was cold. Pa-24 jamas. Bedroom slippers. 25 Finally, she got up. She moved toward the door and then hesi-26 tated, walked back to her dresser. Pulling open the top drawer, 27 she took out a cherry-wood case. The key was in her jewelry box. 28 She fitted it into the lock. Raising the lid, she peered down at her 29 .357 Magnum. Her application had been expedited, and she’d 30 bought it yesterday. Carefully, she lifted the gun from its blue-31 velvet-lined box. 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 3 1 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 316 Friday, May 19 Of 1 all that is written I love only that which is written in blood. 2 Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit. 3 He carried the words with him on a 3 " x 5 " index card. Now, 4 sitting cross-legged in the tree house, he pulled out the card to 5 read it. 6 Write with blood: and you will discover that blood is spirit. 7 He stuck the card back in his pocket and pulled out another 8 one. 9 Many die too late and some die too early . . . 10 The words of the German philosopher filled him with convic-11 tion. Laura had lived far too long, but soon she would be dead. 12 Only time is fair. Time was what gave life meaning. Once she 13 was dead, his life would start. The burden would be lifted. 14 He thought about Diane Massey’s book and how it had gnawed 15 at him. In the end, though, it had served as a spur. Her book had 16 given him strength. 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 S 27 R 3 1 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 317 Saturday, May 20 So what did you and Grams do today?” 1 �śWe made a cake,” said Anna. �śChocolate cake with choco-2 late icing.” 3 �śGreat! That’s your favorite.” 4 As she talked to her daughter on the telephone, Callie gazed at 5 her picture, a slightly blurry snapshot of Anna building a snow-6 man in the backyard. The kitchen table was piled with photos 7 that she’d taken out to sort. She’d hit on this mindless yet pro-8 ductive task as a way to fill the hours. 9 �śI love you, Mommy,” Anna said. 10 Callie’s eyes filled with tears. �śI love you, too, sweetheart. I 11 miss you so much.” 12 �śAre you mad at me? For running away?” Anna’s voice was 13 timid. 14 �śNo,” Callie said. �śI’m just glad you’re safe.” She had other 15 things to say, of course, but they could wait until later. 16 �śI’m sorry I made you worried.” 17 �śI’m sorry you were so unhappy. That I didn’t listen better.” 18 �śThat’s okay. Mommy?” 19 �śYes, sweetie?” 20 �śWhen can I come home?” 21 �śSoon,” Callie said. �śOnce things calm down a little more. 22 When the police have finished talking to me. When they’re sure 23 they’ve caught the bad man.” 24 Anna didn’t say anything. 25 �śHey, isn’t it about your bedtime?” S 26 �śI guess.” R 27 3 1 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 318 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śOkay, you better skedaddle. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.” 2 �śMah-um.” An elaborate sigh. For a moment, Anna sounded 3 like her old self. 4 �ś ’Night, sweetheart. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.” 5 Callie blew a kiss across the phone line. 6 Anna blew a kiss back. 7 The airborne kiss only underscored the hundreds of miles be-8 tween them. Callie was overcome with yearning for the touch 9 and scent of her child. 10 She hung up the phone feeling desolate, worse than she’d felt 11 for days. The piles of pictures were no substitute for Anna in the 12 flesh. Restless, she stood up and crossed the floor, opened the re-13 frigerator. She wasn’t feeling hungry, but she knew that she 14 should eat. The looseness of her jeans told her that she’d been 15 losing weight. 16 For several minutes, she stood staring into the cold bright box. 17 Eggs. Cheese. Carrots. Peanut butter. Bread. She finally settled 18 on a grilled cheese sandwich and pulled out the ingredients. She 19 put a cast-iron skillet on the stove and dropped in a pat of butter. 20 When they’re sure they’ve caught the bad man. 21 And how long would that take? 22 For so long, she’d been so confident that Lester Crain was the 23 one. But ever since her talk with Jamison, she hadn’t been as 24 sure. She thought about Jamison’s theory that Diane’s death had 25 triggered Crain. That instead of being Crain’s handiwork, it had 26 been his inspiration. Drawn to Maine after the fact, he’d en-27 countered Callie on Blue Peek Island. He’d recognized her as 28 Steven’s girlfriend and followed her back to Merritt. Posy was a 29 victim of circumstance. Wrong place, wrong time. Posy was dif-30 ferent from the rest of them. She’d never even known Steven. 31 That fact, too, seemed to weigh in favor of a possible second 32 killer. 33 The butter had started to sizzle. Callie turned down the heat. 34 She put a slice of bread in the skillet and laid cheese across it. 35 S Someone familiar with the neighborhood. 36 R Someone who may have children. 3 1 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 319 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Knows crime scene investigation. 1 Meticulous. 2 A long-range planner. 3 She flipped over the sandwich to brown the other side. In her 4 mind, she ticked off the elements of Jamison’s profile. Again, she 5 had a disconcerting sense of being on the verge. There was a 6 name, a face, just beneath the surface, but she couldn’t seem to 7 reach it. 8 She slid the sandwich onto a plate and poured a glass of milk, 9 then pushed back the piles of photographs to clear a place at the 10 table. 11 Bite, chew, swallow. 12 The sandwich tasted like oily cardboard, but she forced herself 13 to eat. 14 Through the window, she saw their fenced backyard, weirdly 15 illuminated. A few days ago, a security firm had installed a pow-16 erful spotlight. Callie found herself thinking of Henry Creighton, 17 wondering how he was doing. Now that her fear and anger had 18 ebbed, she could think of him with compassion. Like Anna, he 19 must have been overwhelmed by feelings he couldn’t process. 20 She thought of her last encounter with Mimi right here at this 21 kitchen table, how stunned she’d been when Mimi announced 22 Bernie’s infidelity. Clearly, there were tensions in the Creighton 23 household that she’d never come close to guessing. Like Anna, 24 Henry was a sensitive child. Of course he’d been affected. 25 Again, Callie sensed the sudden flicker, the glimmer of a 26 thought. But this time she managed to get hold of it. The face 27 was Bernie Creighton’s. In her mind’s eye, she saw his bright 28 smug eyes, the puffed rooster chest. She’d always explained her 29 discomfort with Bernie by the fact that they were such different 30 people. They had different values, moved in different worlds, 31 nothing more than that. Now, uneasily, she wondered if there 32 might be something deeper. 33 Bernie would have had a bird’s-eye view of her and Anna’s 34 comings and goings. And who was in a better position to discover S 35 Henry’s plans? Bernie had been at the Easter egg hunt; he could R 36 3 1 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 320 A M Y G U T M A N 1 have planted the watch. He had an erratic work schedule, even 2 kept an apartment in Boston. With a chill, Callie thought of the 3 phone call to the Creightons after Anna’s disappearance. �śNo, 4 it’s not about your husband,” the detective had said to Mimi. So 5 Bernie hadn’t been home that night; she wondered where he’d 6 been. 7 Callie shoved aside her plate and leaned her head in her 8 hands. For a moment, the story danced in her mind, then reality 9 pressed in. Wouldn’t Anna have recognized Bernie? Not to men-10 tion Henry? What possible motive could Bernie have? How 11 would he know her story? 12 But even as she pushed Bernie from her thoughts, another 13 face popped up. She pictured another man with children. Her 14 ex-husband, Kevin Thayer. She’d barely thought of him at all 15 since Lambert’s questioning. At first, the idea had seemed ab-16 surd. She’d dismissed it out of hand. But as she sat here at 17 the kitchen table, the doubts seeped back. How well did she 18 really know Kevin? Not well at all. Even back when they’d 19 been married, there’d been a wall between them. A few weeks 20 ago, when she’d tried to reach him, he too had been out of 21 town. She tried to think back, to figure out what day she’d made 22 that call. 23 She was probably being paranoid, but she knew what she had 24 to do. It was a question of matching dates and times. That was 25 how you started. 26 Upstairs, Callie sat down at her desk and turned on the com-27 puter. After signing on to AOL, she pulled up Google. She typed 28 in the phrase Diane Massey and clicked on the search button. A 29 list of links flashed on the screen. She scanned for obituaries. She 30 had to read through several before finding one where the dates 31 were clear. Diane’s body had been found on April 18. She’d been 32 dead for about a week. That put the murder sometime around 33 April 10. 34 Callie grabbed a spiral notebook and flipped to a blank page. 35 S She pulled out her Filofax, turned to April, and started a chro-36 R nology. 3 2 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 321 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y April 5 �" Anniversary note (Merritt) 1 April 10 (??) �" Diane killed (Maine) 2 April 16 �" Easter (Merritt) 3 April 26 �" Melanie attacked (New York) 4 May 14 �" Anna kidnapped (Merritt) 5 6 The roses, that was another thing. He’d left them at her door. 7 She’d found them when she’d gotten home from shopping for the 8 dinner party. She thought back, trying to remember exactly what 9 day that was. It had been a hectic week, she recalled. Rick had 10 gone out of town. She’d been on her own on Wednesday night, 11 right before the party. She must have done the shopping on Tues-12 day. Monday would have been too early. 13 Scanning the Filofax pages, she realized how overwhelmed she’d 14 been. On April 23, she’d gone to New York, a week later, to Maine. 15 It came to her that she’d called Kevin the same day Rick got home. 16 That must have been on April 11. She felt a sudden shiver. Kevin 17 had been out of town near the time Diane was killed. 18 But why would Kevin kill Diane? That just didn’t make sense. 19 She flipped ahead another few pages to April 26, the night that 20 Melanie was attacked, the night before her dinner party. In blue 21 ink, she’d scrawled Rick to Springfield. He’d had that in-service 22 training thing. 23 At least that’s what he’d told her. 24 That’s what she’d believed. 25 There wasn’t a precise moment when the idea came to mind. 26 Or rather, it was like it had always been there, waiting for her to 27 look. 28 Knows crime scene investigation. 29 Familiar with the neighborhood. 30 Maybe someone with children. 31 Maybe, but not necessarily. And everything else fit. 32 She didn’t have to think what to do next. She’d done it all be-33 fore. One by one she compared the dates to her Filofax notations. 34 April 5, when she’d found the note. Wednesday. Pizza night. S 35 She’d walked through the door, the note in her purse. Rick had R 36 3 2 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 322 A M Y G U T M A N 1 been in the kitchen. When Diane was killed he’d been out of 2 town, claiming to be at his parents.’ Out of town when Melanie 3 was attacked. Out of town when Anna was kidnapped. 4 Detectives had supposedly checked him out, verified his alibi. 5 But after all, he was one of their own, a colleague whom they 6 trusted. How closely would they have scrutinized whatever proof 7 he gave? She thought of the heart-wrenching story he’d told 8 about his boyhood friend. Was it just an elaborate subterfuge? 9 Could he have made it up? And what about Anna? Had Rick 10 really guessed that Steven was her father? Or was it something 11 that he’d discovered a long, long time ago? 12 The doubts were eerily familiar, sweeping her into the past. 13 She was back in her Nashville apartment, thinking, Could he? 14 Could he? Could he? 15 But that was Steven. This was Rick. They had nothing in 16 common. 17 Nothing? said a voice at the back of her mind. 18 You. They have you. 19 h 20 21 It was dark in the tree house and a little cold, but Rick Evans had 22 a perfect view. Through black branches, he peered down at the 23 snug white house below. The only light came from behind the 24 closed blinds of her bedroom window. In front of the house, a po-25 lice cruiser silently stood guard. Inside the car was Tod Carver, 26 supposedly his friend. Now, the single pressing question was how 27 to get rid of him. 28 h 29 30 She was losing it, she really was. 31 She decided to take a bath. 32 From Bernie to Kevin to Rick. Who would she think of next? 33 The fact was that none of these suspicions had any solid founda-34 tion. A few coincidences in timing. Nothing more than that. She 35 S tossed her Filofax back in her purse and turned off the computer. 36 R 3 2 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 323 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y The water was rushing into the tub when she heard the door-1 bell ring. Her first impulse was to ignore it, pretend she wasn’t 2 home. But that was stupid; whoever it was would know that she 3 was here. Peering out from behind the shades, she saw the police 4 cruiser. Reassured by its stalwart presence, she headed down the 5 stairs. 6 She tiptoed up to the front door and looked through the peep-7 hole. At the sight of the uniform, her mouth went dry, then she 8 realized it wasn’t Rick. Same uniform, different face. The man on 9 her porch was Tod. 10 Relieved, she turned off the security alarm and unlocked the 11 door. 12 Tod was standing a bit to one side, hands stuffed in his pockets. 13 �śHey, Callie,” he said, apologetically. �śHope I’m not bothering 14 you.” He gestured to the empty cruiser. �śThat’s me. I’m on assign-15 ment. I saw that your lights were on upstairs. Thought I’d say 16 hello.” 17 �śYou’re not bothering me at all,” said Callie. �śI’m dying for com-18 pany. Why don’t you come in for a bit? I could make us some tea.” 19 He glanced toward the car, then, shrugging, turned back to 20 her. �śI guess I can watch you as well from inside as I can from out 21 in the car.” 22 �śBetter, I’d say,” Callie quipped. �śI won’t be out of your sight.” 23 24 h 25 He waited another minute or two after Tod disappeared into the 26 house. 27 It had taken several nights, but the coast was totally clear now. 28 Carefully, Rick climbed down the flat steps nailed in the trunk 29 of the tree. When he reached the ground, he scanned the street. 30 Silent. No cars. No people. 31 It was ten yards or so from where he stood to the bushes beside 32 her house. 33 With a deep breath, Rick stepped from the shadows and 34 quickly crossed the street. S 35 R 36 3 2 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 324 A M Y G U T M A N 1 h 2 3 Tod was sitting at the kitchen table piled with snapshots of 4 Anna. He picked up a stack and filed through it. �śBeautiful girl,” 5 he said. 6 Callie had just put on water to boil. �śShe’s everything to me.” 7 �śYou’ve had a pretty rough time,” Tod said. 8 �śYes,” said Callie. �śI have.” 9 It was soothing having Tod here, someone who understood. 10 �śDo you think it’s over?” Callie asked. 11 �śOver? What do you mean?” 12 �śThere’s a theory that maybe there are two killers. Crain and 13 someone else.” 14 Tod shook his head. �śI’m just a guy on patrol. I leave this stuff 15 to the detectives.” 16 �śAnd what do they think? What does Lambert think?” 17 �śI don’t know that either. I mean, I could speculate, but I don’t 18 know anything.” 19 �śOkay, then speculate,” Callie said. �śWhat do you think he’s 20 thinking?” 21 �śWell, he’s chief of detectives in a college town with a good bit 22 of tourist trade. He’s under a lot of pressure to make folks feel safe 23 again. At the same time, he isn’t going to want to take unneces-24 sary risks.” 25 Callie nodded. �śThat’s pretty much what I thought. They’re 26 playing it both ways. They let the press think that they’ve got the 27 guy, but you all are still watching me.” 28 The kettle began to whistle. Callie picked it up. 29 �śCaf or decaf?” she asked Tod. 30 �śCaf. Definitely.” 31 She dropped an English Breakfast bag into one mug, cham-32 omile into another, poured in boiling water, and carried the mugs 33 to the table. 34 �śCareful,” she said, setting down Tod’s mug. �śYou’ll have to let 35 S it cool.” 36 R She pulled out a chair across from him and cleared a place at 3 2 4 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 325 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y the table, pushing aside a stack of snapshots so she could put her 1 mug down. 2 �śHow’s Rick been doing?” she asked. She was careful to appear 3 offhand. 4 �śFine, I guess,” said Tod. �śI haven’t really seen him much in 5 the past couple weeks.” 6 Callie picked up her tea and blew on it. Still too hot to drink. 7 She wondered if Tod was telling the truth or just sidestepping the 8 question. He was Rick’s friend more than hers; his loyalty was to 9 Rick. 10 �śDid you go to that training thing with him in Springfield just 11 before my dinner party?” 12 �śTraining thing?” 13 �śA class or something. I’m not exactly sure what.” 14 Tod dropped his eyes. �śYou’d have to ask Rick about that.” 15 �śSo it wasn’t something everyone went to?” 16 �śYou know, I’d rather not get into this.” 17 But now that she’d started, she wanted to know. She couldn’t 18 stop herself. She was putting Tod in a difficult position, but she 19 didn’t seem to care. 20 �śHave you ever talked to his partner’s widow? That woman he 21 claimed to visit?” 22 �śClaimed?” Tod looked taken aback. �śYou . . . you think he’s 23 lying?” 24 Callie gave a tight smile. �śI don’t know what to think.” 25 For a moment or two, she hesitated, then plunged forward. 26 �śI was going through my calendar,” she said. �śDiane’s murder. 27 Melanie’s attack. Anna’s kidnapping. All three times Rick was 28 out of town. At least, that’s what he said.” 29 She could see the look of astonishment spreading across Tod’s 30 face. She raised a hand to stop him from interrupting her. 31 �śOkay, I know you think it’s ridiculous. Maybe you’re right. 32 But he meets the criteria of the profile. And he had the opportu-33 nity.” 34 Tod was shaking his head, slowly, side to side. S 35 �śIt wasn’t Rick, Callie. I can promise you that.” R 36 3 2 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 326 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śBut how do you know?” she asked him. �śHow do you know for 2 sure?” 3 �śBecause I know Rick. I know the kind of guy he is.” 4 And she . . . something was happening . . . a kaleidoscope in 5 her brain. Tod had always called to mind her old boyfriend Larry 6 Peters. But now she suddenly wondered why, where she’d found 7 the resemblance. Larry’s hair was dark brown. Tod’s was almost 8 red. She’d never realized until tonight how bright the highlights 9 were. His voice, too, that was different, slow, almost a drawl. 10 Then she wasn’t thinking of Tod, she was thinking of Lester 11 Crain. When she’d run into him on that island in Maine, she 12 must have noticed the accent. While it hadn’t registered con-13 sciously, at some level she’d known. Southern, he’d sounded like 14 a southerner. Just like Tod did now. Tod used to live in Virginia, 15 which must be where the accent came from. And yet . . . and yet, 16 there was something more. Or was it her imagination? 17 Her mind was out of control now, flashing random thoughts. 18 She thought next of the Easter egg hunt, how Tod had come up 19 behind her. It was something that Steven used to do, and for an 20 instant, she’d been frightened. 21 She was aware of Tod looking at her, his face marked with con-22 cern. �śWhat’s wrong, Laura?” he asked her. 23 Laura. He’d called her Laura. 24 Confused now, she stared at him, her thoughts spinning even 25 faster. Of course, he knew now, everyone knew, but why would he 26 use that name? Again, for no particular reason, she thought of 27 Larry Peters. What was it about Tod exactly that reminded her of 28 her one-time beau? She’d always assumed it was the smile, but 29 now she wasn’t sure. But if it wasn’t the smile, then what? They 30 were two quite different men. 31 Misattribution. Unconscious transference. 32 The phrases lit up her mind. 33 The confusion of one person with another. 34 A mistake of memory. 35 S An image, a face, was rising up through the dense fog of the 36 R past. She was back on the couch in her Nashville apartment, lis-3 2 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 327 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y tening to the news. She could feel the springs beneath the sag-1 ging cushions, the pressure in her belly. She could hear the ha-2 tred and rage spewing from Dahlia Schuyler’s brother. �śHe ruined 3 my life. He ruined my family. Death is too good for him.” 4 Tod had reminded her of someone, but it wasn’t who she’d 5 thought. 6 His face was Tucker Schuyler’s face. 7 He was Dahlia’s brother. 8 �śYou know who I am,” he said flatly. �śI can see it in your face.” 9 �śKnow?” Callie said nervously. She stumbled to her feet. 10 Then Tod �" Tucker �" pulled out a gun. His eyes were hard 11 and cold. He raised the gun a fraction higher. 12 �śYou’re not going anywhere, Laura.” 13 Callie stood absolutely still. Inside, her mind was racing. She 14 thought of her newly purchased pistol, upstairs in her dresser 15 drawer. No way that she could reach it, not with Tucker blocking 16 the door. 17 �śIf you kill me, they’ll know it’s you,” she said. �śYou’re sup-18 posed to be protecting me.” 19 �śSomeone broke in through the back door.” He seemed to be 20 thinking out loud. �śIt was dark. I didn’t see them. I can’t see 21 everything.” 22 �śThere’s a light there now. A spotlight. They’ll never believe 23 that story.” 24 �śThat’s possible,” he said. �śBut it doesn’t really matter. Lives 25 aren’t measured in years, Laura. I’ll have done what I set out to 26 do. Many die too late. You know who said that?” 27 �śNo.” 28 �śNietzsche. He’s a German philosopher.” 29 �śReally.” She gave him an engaging smile. �śI don’t know much 30 about him.” Anything to win time now. To give her a chance to 31 think. 32 But he didn’t seem to hear her. He was thinking of something 33 else. �śYou know, when Gage was executed, I thought that I’d feel 34 better. But when I woke up the next morning, everything was the S 35 same. For three months, I didn’t do anything, just lay in bed, R 36 3 2 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 328 A M Y G U T M A N 1 thinking. And finally I figured out what the problem was. All of 2 you who’d supported him, you still hadn’t paid. You were out there 3 getting on with your lives. You didn’t give a shit about Dahlia.” 4 �śIt . . . it wasn’t like that.” Callie’s mouth was dry. 5 There was a shifting, a stirring, in her mind, a tectonic re-6 arrangement. She seemed to be looking down on the kitchen 7 from some omniscient place. A part of her was there with Tucker, 8 while a part of her was somewhere else. Then, as she spoke, it all 9 came clear, what was driving him. 10 �śIt wasn’t your fault,” she blurted out. 11 At the sound of her voice, he flinched. 12 �śShut up!” he said, waving the gun. But his eyes were full of 13 fear. 14 If only he’d been on time. If only he hadn’t been late. She could see 15 it all so clearly now, as if she were inside him. How the guilt he’d 16 felt over Dahlia’s death had grown in him like a cancer. He’d 17 waited for the feelings to fade, but instead, they’d just grown 18 stronger. Finally, they’d become unbearable. Something in him 19 had snapped. In the end, he’d dealt with the self-hatred by pro-20 jecting it onto them. 21 �śYou didn’t do anything wrong.” She said the words slowly. 22 �śSteven Gage was the one who killed her. He’s the one to blame. 23 The rest of us �" we did the best we could under the circum-24 stances. You �" we �" aren’t responsible. We didn’t kill your sister.” 25 A strange feeling of lightness seemed to descend on her. 26 �śWe’re not responsible,” she said again. �śWe didn’t kill Dahlia.” 27 Tucker’s left eye had begun to twitch. He opened and closed 28 his mouth. A battle seemed to play itself out on the tortured face. 29 If only she could make him see, make him understand. But the 30 coldness was growing in his eyes. 31 �śIt is your fault,” he said. 32 �śTuck �"” What should she call him? Which name was less 33 provocative? �śIt won’t help to kill me. Think about your daughter.” 34 But this time she’d miscalculated. Tucker leapt from his chair. 35 S He waved his gun in front of her face. �śShut up! Shut up!” he 36 R screamed. 3 2 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 329 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y Then he was grabbing hold of her arm, yanking her upright. 1 �śEnough talking,” he said to her. �śMove. Down to the basement.” 2 3 h 4 Crouched in the bushes, he couldn’t quite see them through the 5 kitchen window. They must be sitting at the table, beyond his 6 range of vision. He could just make out the sound of voices, 7 though he couldn’t hear their words. 8 Careful not to make any noise, Rick edged to the left. He knew 9 that he was acting crazy, but he couldn’t help himself. She didn’t 10 want to see him. She’d made that quite clear. Yet a part of him 11 still believed that she loved him, needed him. He knew that he’d 12 hurt her. He was willing to wait. But even now, he couldn’t seem 13 to stay away from her. 14 He knew what was driving him: jealousy, pure and simple. 15 He wasn’t proud of the feeling. Still, there it was. It had always 16 slightly bothered him how Tod brought to mind that ex-boyfriend 17 of hers. And Tod, he’d begun to suspect, was more than fond of 18 Callie. The suspicion first came to him when Tod had agreed to 19 go dancing. What had clinched it, though, was when Tod was so 20 keen to get the night shift at Callie’s house. 21 And what business is that of yours? 22 The question hit him hard. 23 Suddenly, he was appalled at where he found himself. Acting 24 like some crazed stalker unwilling to let her go. If she wanted 25 nothing to do with him, he had to respect that choice. How had 26 it gotten to this point? He had to leave. Now. 27 Then, just as he started to turn, they crossed his line of vision. 28 He stared at the scene framed in the window. It didn’t make any 29 sense. Tod’s face was contorted in anger. Callie looked terrified. 30 Tod was pulling out his Glock, pointing the gun at Callie. 31 32 h 33 Even if she’d wanted to stand, her legs wouldn’t support her. 34 They felt like jelly, rubbery, out of her control. Once he got her S 35 down to the basement, she knew it would be all over. She had no R 36 3 2 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 330 A M Y G U T M A N 1 choice but to act now, but how could she take on Tucker? He was 2 larger, stronger, faster. And besides, he had a gun. 3 The most dangerous room in the house. 4 Rick’s words came back to her. 5 She thought of the knives on the kitchen counter, stowed in 6 their wooden block. They were just five or six steps away, but 7 she’d never get to them. On the stove was the skillet she’d 8 used for her sandwich, but that too was out of reach. She could 9 make a bolt for the kitchen door, but she wouldn’t get the locks 10 undone. For a moment, she was overcome by the irony of her 11 position. Steps she’d taken to protect herself now barred her 12 escape. 13 Her eyes fell on the mug of tea cooling in front of her. With 14 the fleeting hope that it was still hot, she grabbed the mug and 15 hurled. The mug hit Tucker square in the jaw. Tea flew every-16 where. Callie glimpsed his look of surprise as his head snapped 17 backward. Already, she was on her feet, rushing for the door. But 18 she’d only made it a few steps, when Tucker tackled her. 19 He grabbed a handful of hair and yanked. Callie shrieked with 20 pain. He threw her hard against the stove, and she buckled at the 21 waist, her cheek smashing down against a burner with a sudden 22 shooting spasm. 23 �śPlease! Stop!” she cried. 24 But just as the pain in her jaw subsided, she felt her arm 25 wrenched back. A burning sensation in her shoulder joint as the 26 gun gouged into her ribs. 27 �śGoddamn it.” His voice was thick. �śWhat the fuck are you 28 doing?” 29 Trembling, she waited for the gun to explode. But nothing, 30 nothing happened. 31 Her right arm lay limply by her side. Slowly, she snaked it for-32 ward, up along the counter, toward the cast-iron pan. 33 �śWhat the hell �"” 34 Tucker jerked her back, but he wasn’t fast enough. 35 S She’d managed to grab the skillet. With all her strength, she 36 R swung. 3 3 0 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 331 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y As the pan smashed against Tucker’s side, Callie heard a crack. 1 He let out a whinnying bellow of pain. The gun dropped to the 2 floor. 3 For an electric moment they both stood there, Callie still 4 holding the skillet. She began to swing it back and forth. Tucker 5 jumped out of the way. 6 She edged closer to the gun, until she stood over it. But she 7 didn’t dare to try to pick it up and give Tucker a chance to attack. 8 Instead, she raised a leg and kicked the gun. It skittered across the 9 floor. She saw Tucker’s reflexive impulse to turn and look. But he 10 managed to resist the urge, keeping his eyes on her. 11 �śYou don’t have a chance,” he told her. His voice was con-12 temptuous. 13 Callie took a quick step forward and swung the pan at Tucker’s 14 head. But fast as she was, he managed to duck. He threw himself 15 at her. 16 Then they were both on the ground. Callie dropped the pan. 17 As Tucker wrapped a hand around her throat, Callie bit his arm. 18 �śYou bitch!” 19 Tod slapped her hard across the face, then slammed her into 20 the floor. 21 Callie felt something wet and warm trickling down her face. 22 She touched a finger to her face. Blood. It was blood. 23 She realized that Tucker had let go of her, and she struggled to 24 sit up. She’d managed to raise herself onto an elbow when she 25 saw him coming toward her. With a hopeless feeling, she saw that 26 he had the gun jammed into his belt. The weight of his body 27 came down on her, one knee on either side. Then his hands were 28 around her neck. Slowly, he started to squeeze. 29 �śI don’t want to do this too quickly. I want to be sure you 30 feel it.” 31 Arching her back, Callie struggled to dislodge his body. But his 32 knees dug sharply into her sides. She couldn’t move at all. 33 His hands were squeezing her neck again, and her lungs 34 screamed for air. In her mind’s eye, she saw her daughter’s face. S 35 I’m sorry, Anna, I’m sorry. R 36 3 3 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 332 A M Y G U T M A N 1 h 2 3 Rick crashed through the window, sending glass and wood flying. 4 Before Tod could pull his gun, Rick was on top of him. Over and 5 over they rolled, but Rick couldn’t get control. �śJesus Christ! 6 What the hell are you doing? Give it up, Tod!” 7 But the only response was labored breathing. He couldn’t see 8 Tod’s face. From the corner of his eye, he glimpsed Callie, pros-9 trate on the floor. Her eyes were closed. She wasn’t moving. What 10 had Tod done to her? 11 That one slight shift of focus, that was all it took. Tod took the 12 opportunity to gain the upper hand. In one powerful movement, 13 he socked Rick in the jaw. Pain ripped through the side of Rick’s 14 face, the shock rippling outward. 15 Disoriented, he tried to sit up, then came another blow. The 16 floor rose up to hit his head, then everything was over. 17 h 18 19 Sounds and lights faded in and out. She was lying on the ground. 20 She’d been running, running through the thick black night, but 21 he’d caught her in the end. Her neck hurt, something was wrong, 22 but it didn’t really matter. Finally it was over. Finally she could 23 rest. 24 I’m in the mood, I’m in the mood, I’m in the . . . 25 Somewhere, the music played. She could hear the words. And 26 Steven, he was here too, not so far away. 27 The sounds of a desperate struggle somewhere very near. Give 28 up, give up, she wanted to say. It’s easier that way. 29 Slowly, she let her head roll, to see what was happening. The 30 pain in her neck confused her, though. In dreams, you didn’t feel 31 pain. 32 Then, as adrenaline flowed through her, she realized where she 33 was. 34 She wasn’t asleep. 35 S This wasn’t a dream. 36 R And everything came back. 3 3 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 333 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y How Tod had come to her door that night. Tod was Tucker 1 Schuyler. 2 But who was he fighting with there on the floor? Rick floated 3 into focus. Tucker was sitting on top of him, just as he had with 4 her. His fist slammed into Rick’s stomach with a soft, sickening 5 thud. 6 Tucker’s back was to her. She knew he couldn’t see her. She 7 pictured the pistol upstairs in her room, measured the path in her 8 mind. Then, she was scrambling up, racing down the hall. Al-9 most instantly, she heard Tucker jumping to his feet. 10 As she hit the second-floor landing, she could hear him steps 11 behind her. She caught a terrifying glimpse of his face as she 12 slammed her bedroom door. 13 Just as she twisted the brass lock, Tucker smashed into the 14 door. Briefly, she thought of calling 911, but that would take too 15 long. She tore through the contents of her dresser drawer and 16 yanked out the gun case. Her fingers wouldn’t work at first, and 17 once she dropped the key. But she finally managed to get it open 18 and pull out the revolver. 19 The bullets were in her nightstand drawer. She grabbed the 20 box and ripped it open. Bullets fell to the floor. She dropped to 21 her knees, gathered them up, and loaded the cylinder. 22 Crash. The door flew open, and Tucker plunged into sight. 23 From her sheltered position behind the bed, Callie raised her 24 gun. 25 Wildly, Tucker scanned the room. 26 Shoot for center mass. 27 Fighting to keep her hands steady, she fired straight ahead. 28 Fired and just kept firing. He crumpled to the floor. The gun 29 he’d held dropped from his hand. Callie ran to pick it up. She 30 stood there a moment, breathing hard, unable to move, to think. 31 Then, shaking, she picked up the phone and dialed 911. 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 3 3 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 334 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 335 1 E P I L O G U E 2 3 4 5 6 Merritt, Massachusetts 7 Wednesday, June 28 8 9 10 Ca l l i e sat at the picnic table, shucking ears of corn. A few 11 yards away, Rick was flipping burgers on the charcoal grill. It was 12 shortly after six o’clock, an early summer evening. They’d swapped 13 their weekly pizza night for a weekly barbecue. 14 The backyard glimmered a bright moist green beneath a heavy 15 sun. Rick had set up a badminton net under a maple tree. A soft 16 thwack as Anna sent a birdie sailing across the net. Henry swung 17 his racquet wildly. Callie had to smile. As best she could tell, nei-18 ther kid had once returned a serve. 19 She caught Rick looking at her, smiling at her smile. She held 20 his glance for a long moment, reveling in his presence. Seen. She 21 felt truly seen. He had given her that. And finally, now, she could 22 see him too. They could see each other. 23 The hamburgers sizzled on the smoking grill. 24 �śHow much longer?” asked Callie. 25 Rick cut into one of the burgers. �śI’d say about five minutes.” 26 Callie peeled a last few strands from a final ear of corn. She 27 added it to the basket and headed into the kitchen. 28 As she rinsed the ears at the sink, her eyes stayed on Rick and 29 Anna, unable �" unwilling �" to forget the path they’d traveled 30 to get here. Tucker Schuyler, the man they’d known as Tod, was 31 still in the hospital. For the first two weeks, it had been touch and 32 go, but he was making progress. Callie was tremendously grateful 33 for this, despite everything he’d done. The fact of almost having 34 killed someone was a thing that would always haunt her. Still, S 35 horrific as it had been, there were lessons in the encounter. She’d R 36 3 3 5 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 336 A M Y G U T M A N 1 learned so much in the past month, and every day she learned 2 more. 3 That endless night in the kitchen with Tucker, she’d been 4 speaking to herself as well. �śWe are not to blame,” she’d said. 5 And known that it was true. It was Steven Gage who’d killed 6 Dahlia and all those countless others. She hadn’t been the star of 7 this tragedy, just a minor player. For more than a decade, she’d let 8 Steven control her thoughts and actions. He’d controlled her just 9 as much in death as he ever had in life. Because of Steven, she’d 10 lied to her daughter, lied to her friends, to Rick, terrified of what 11 would happen if she ever told the truth. 12 And yet, now that the truth was out, none of her fears had 13 come true. When reporters found that she wouldn’t talk, they’d 14 finally given up. Slowly, her life had begun to assume the sem-15 blance of normalcy, shopping, cooking, studying, going back to 16 work. She’d tried to apologize to Martha for Tod, but Martha had 17 brushed it off. �śThough I have to admit,” she’d said dryly, �śit’s sort 18 of put me off dating.” And Anna �" with time and a therapist’s 19 help �" Anna was getting better. So far, she’d shown little inter-20 est in the details of her father’s life. When Anna asked, she would 21 tell her the truth. Until then, she’d wait. 22 Which wasn’t to say, of course, that the past could be forgot-23 ten. The goal wasn’t to erase the past but to plumb its depths for 24 meaning. It was Tucker’s refusal to accept the past that had led to 25 his murderous rampage. Instead of moving forward with life, he’d 26 bound himself to the past, unable to find any meaning in life ex-27 cept in acts of revenge. Tod. It was the German word for death; 28 that’s why he’d picked the name. 29 The scent of burning charcoal and freshly mown grass drifted 30 in through the open window. Anna and Henry had dropped their 31 racquets and stood by Rick at the grill. 32 �śCan we toast marshmallows after dinner?” Callie heard Anna 33 ask. 34 �śI don’t see why not,” said Rick. �śMaybe we’ll make s’mores.” 35 S Watching Rick and Anna together, Callie’s heart expanded. 36 R 3 3 6 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 337 T H E A N N I V E R S A R Y The two people she loved most were slowly moving closer. Once 1 Anna had learned the truth about Kevin, something had started 2 to shift. �śShe thought that her father had abandoned her,” ex-3 plained Anna’s therapist. �śThat was far more painful for her than 4 finding out the truth. Now she finally understands why your ex-5 husband disappeared. Over time, she may be willing to let some-6 one else be a father to her.” 7 �śOver time,” Callie whispered. 8 The words were a sort of gift. 9 Henry and Anna were back at the net, batting the birdie again. 10 Callie marveled at how untouched they could seem after every-11 thing they’d been through. Henry, too, had fled a home where 12 truth had been suppressed. Shortly after Henry and Anna’s deba-13 cle, Bernie had come clean. Not only had he been having an af-14 fair, Bernie Creighton was gay. He was moving to Boston with 15 John Casey, his guest at Callie’s dinner party. Strangely, though, 16 that upheaval, too, seemed to have been for the best. Mimi ap-17 peared to be calmer now. She, too, could finally relax. 18 The corn was bobbing in the boiling water. Callie found a pair 19 of tongs. As she pulled out the steaming ears, her mind traveled 20 over the years. She thought of Diane and The Vanishing Man. She 21 thought of Lester Crain. She thought of Mike Jamison, how right 22 he’d been. She thought of Melanie. They’d spoken briefly on the 23 phone last week. Callie had made the call. After getting a report 24 on Melanie’s health, she’d mentioned their last talk. 25 �śYou know how you said that we’re alike?” 26 A long, very long, pause. 27 �śYou know, I just don’t remember. I was on a lot of drugs.” 28 �śYou don’t remember what we talked about?” 29 �śI don’t remember the phone call.” 30 Quickly, Melanie had steered the conversation back to neutral 31 terrain. Her upcoming wedding to another lawyer, her plans to 32 return to work. Had Melanie really forgotten their talk? Callie still 33 wondered. But it was one of the many things in life that she’d 34 probably never know. S 35 R 36 3 3 7 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 338 A M Y G U T M A N 1 �śCallie! You about ready?” Rick’s voice floated in through the 2 screen. From where she stood, she could see the kids sitting at the 3 picnic table. Tongs in hand, Callie fished around for the last 4 floating ear of corn. She added it to the yellow pile. 5 �śI’m on my way,” she called. 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 3 3 8 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 339 1 Author’s Note 2 3 4 In writing this book, I have �" for the most part �" tried to pro-5 vide realistic portrayals of criminal and forensic procedures. I 6 have, however, taken certain liberties. To wit, the state of Ten-7 nessee’s forty-year hiatus in carrying out death sentences ended 8 with the April 2000 execution of Robert Glen Coe for the 1979 9 murder of eight-year-old Cary Ann Medlin. Due to a lengthy ap-10 peals process, almost twenty years elapsed between Coe’s May 11 1981 conviction and his execution. 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 3 3 9 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 340 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 341 1 Acknowledgments 2 3 4 I’m vastly indebted to the following people, who supported and 5 guided me during the writing of this book. 6 Thanks to my editor, Judy Clain, whose wonderful editorial 7 eye helped make this a much stronger story, and to her terrific as-8 sistant, Claire Smith. Thanks to Pamela Marshall for a superb 9 copyediting job, to Yoori Kim, who designed the stunning cover, 10 and to my publicist, Shannon Byrne, to whom my debt grows 11 even as I write this. 12 As always, huge thanks to my agent, Nick Ellison, who, from 13 the start, has provided unwavering encouragement, friendship, 14 and advice, and to his hardworking cohorts, Jennifer Cayea, 15 Abigail Koons, and Katie Merrill. 16 On the research front, I’m immensely grateful to the law en-17 forcement and forensics professionals who kindly took time to 18 answer my questions and vet sections of my manuscript. Of 19 course, any factual errors or creative liberties are entirely my own 20 doing. 21 Thanks to Vernon J. Geberth, retired lieutenant commander 22 with the New York Police Department, and Raymond M. Pierce, 23 founder of the Criminal Assessment and Profiling Unit of the 24 NYPD’s Detective Bureau, who’ve now helped me through two 25 books. 26 Thanks to former Metro Nashville Assistant Public Defender 27 C. Dawn Deaner and Assistant District Attorney General Kathy 28 A. Morante for help with Tennessee criminal procedure. 29 In Massachusetts, thanks to Detective Lieutenant Kenneth 30 Patenaude and Lieutenant Brian Rust of the Northampton Po-31 lice Department, who helped me to come up with police proce-32 dures for the fictional town of Merritt, and to Kenneth Frisbie, 33 my firearms instructor at the Smith & Wesson Academy in 34 Springfield. S 35 In Maine, thanks to Detective Joseph W. Zamboni of the R 36 3 4 1 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 342 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Maine State Police, to Dr. Margaret Greenwald, Maine chief 2 medical examiner, and to the Knox County Sheriff’s Office, in-3 cluding Sheriff Daniel G. Davey, Chief Deputy Todd L. Butler, 4 and Deputy John Tooley, who helped me to devise procedures for 5 fictional Blue Peek Island. Thanks to State Police Sergeant Vicki 6 M. Gardner for a tour of the Skowhegan barracks. 7 In New York, thanks to Sergeant Richard J. Khalaf and 8 Sergeant James F. Kobel of the NYPD’s 20th Precinct and to 9 Sergeant Benedict Pape and all the dedicated instructors at the 10 NYPD’s Citizens’ Police Academy. 11 For inspiration, thanks go to Delaware Chief Medical Exam-12 iner Dr. Richard T. Callery. 13 For answers to medical questions, I’m grateful to Dr. Brian 14 Smith of Baystate Medical Center and to my second, anony-15 mous, consultant (you know who you are). 16 For assistance on a range of subjects �" including manuscript 17 critiques and research help �" thanks to Gordon Cotler, Ruth 18 Diem, Susan Garcia, Penny Geis, Theresie Gordon, Kirk Loggins, 19 Anne Paine, Kirstin Peterson, Marissa Piesman, Polly Saltonstall, 20 John Shiffman, Louisa Smith, and Kerstin Olson Weinstein. 21 This book is once again dedicated to my family, which has sup-22 ported me in so many ways in writing and all else: To my mother, 23 Janet Franz, my brother, Peter, my father and stepmother, Froncie 24 and Bonnie Gutman, and my sisters, Karin and Megan. I couldn’t 25 have done it without you. 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 3 4 2 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 343 1 About the Author 2 3 4 Amy Gutman, author of the widely acclaimed suspense novel 5 Equivocal Death, has worked as a newspaper reporter in Ten-6 nessee and Mississippi and was the founding director of the Mis-7 sissippi Teacher Corps. An honors graduate of the Harvard Law 8 School, Amy practiced law in Manhattan for several years before 9 writing her first book. She divides her time between New York 10 City and western Massachusetts and welcomes mail through her 11 website, www.AmyGutman.com. 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 S 35 R 36 3 4 3 2nd PASS PAGES 13713_01_i-vi_001-344_r4jn.qxd 4/21/03 8:03 AM Page 344 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 S 36 R 2nd PASS PAGES Special eBook Feature: An Excerpt from Amy Gutman’s Equivocal Death 9858_00_i-viii_1-2_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:53 PM Page iii equivocal death a n o v e l amy gutman l i t t l e , b r o w n a n d c o m pa n y b o s t o n n e w y o r k l o n d o n 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 3 Wednesday, December 23 1 2 Ice cold. He pressed his hand to the window and watched the frost 3 dissolve, felt the moisture collect on his palm. He’d switched off 4 the lights, and the interior darkness mirrored the inky void out-5 side. Standing immobile, he could almost imagine that he was 6 alone in the world or better yet that he did not even exist, that he 7 was simply a part of this floating emptiness, transported by waves 8 of black snow. 9 But his lungs filled with air. He felt the rhythm of his breath, 10 stark and fatal as an accusation. 11 He was alive. 12 And there was work to be done. 13 Moving away from the window, he switched on a Bestlite floor 14 lamp, acquired from a British import company during his last year 15 of school. He liked things to be well made. He surveyed the scene 16 before him. The space where he stood was cavernous, at least 17 sh thirty feet long and twenty feet wide. Part of a former warehouse, 18 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 4 4 A M Y G U T M A N 1 it was isolated enough to meet his needs. His desk faced a sweep of 2 tall windows, while his clothes �" Brooks Brothers suits, several 3 shirts, a tux �" hung neatly on a portable chrome garment rack. A 4 Bose CD player sat on an antique table. 5 He was pleased with the space. Everything was just as he liked 6 it. The barren surroundings only underscored the beauty and fine-7 ness of his few selected possessions. His eyes traced the narrow 8 confines of his life. 9 Then, decisively, he made his entrance. 10 Moving to the CD player, he pushed Play. Instantly, the room 11 filled with the opening chords of Cherubini’s Medea. A 1959 12 recording. Remarkable music. Potent. Full of a terrible rage. He 13 glanced down at the CD cover, at the diva Maria Callas. Arched 14 nose. Raven hair. Hands splayed like claws. What was it he saw 15 there? A passion for vengeance �" for justice �" that matched his 16 own. The promise of its fulfillment. And with this, an unflagging 17 sense of order, of timeliness, of fate. It was this he needed above all 18 else. For even as the time for action grew closer, his confidence had 19 started to ebb. Why had he waited so long? The plan that had 20 seemed so brilliant when he first conceived it could at times seem 21 almost absurd. Again, he tried to push back these thoughts. It was 22 dangerous to think this way. 23 Sitting down at his desk, he turned on his laptop computer. The 24 screen flashed bright. From here on, it was almost too easy. The 25 most profitable law firm in the country. Thirty-seven partners who 26 counted themselves among the most respected lawyers in the 27 world. Power brokers and advisers, they counseled governments, 28 corporations, and the rare private individual with sufficient wealth 29 to pay their fees. And yet cracking their computer safeguards had 30 been child’s play. 31 Strange, the unerring detection of their clients’ vulnerabilities 32 and the utter disregard of their own. Samson’s computer network 33 had just been overhauled at huge expense. The mere fact of this in-ort 34 vestment had seemed to assuage their concerns. There was some-reg 35 thing touching in this na�Żveté, the almost childlike belief in 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 5 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 5 money. Their computer network was top of the line. Nothing more 1 need be said. 2 Besides, the elder statesmen of Samson disdained technology, 3 the proliferation of desktop computers. They yearned for the days 4 of dictation. Of pretty secretaries, heads bowed, recording their 5 every word. But in the end, even Samson had been forced to sub-6 mit. The firm’s quaint refusal to communicate by e-mail, once seen 7 as a charming relic of its patrician past, had begun to interfere with 8 business. And Samson was, first and foremost, a business. Bowing 9 to the inevitable, the firm edged its way into cyberspace, a territory 10 as alien to its rulers as the planet Mars. E-mail. The Internet. Stan-11 dard issue for more than a decade in the modern business world but 12 still suspect intruders at Samson. 13 And so he found himself in the happy position of breaking and 14 entering an unlocked house. The attorneys’ �śsecret” passwords 15 gave the illusion of privacy but none of its substance. Remarkable, 16 really, the faith placed by these brilliant men and women in a tech-17 nology they didn’t understand. Hubris. The fatal flaw. 18 He typed in her user ID, mwaters. Then came the password 19 prompt. He grinned as he typed in the response: password. That 20 was it. The same word for everyone. Something easy to remember. 21 She could have changed the defaults, of course. It would have 22 taken only a minute. But she hadn’t taken the time. Like the oth-23 ers, she couldn’t be bothered. 24 A few more clicks, and he was scrolling through a list of her files. 25 Luckily for him, she was one of the new breed, treating her hard 26 drive like a filing cabinet. He’d dipped into these files in the past, 27 not out of any real interest, but for the thrill he took in the fact 28 that he could. Confidential memos outlining trial strategies for 29 lawsuits worth tens of millions of dollars. Clinical dissections of 30 the odds of success. Privileged information that, if leaked, would 31 mean the loss of fortune and career. If blackmail were the goal, 32 he’d have had it made. 33 But he had other things on his mind. 34 sh Exiting WordPerfect, he clicked on the Calendar icon. In an in-35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 6 6 A M Y G U T M A N 1 stant, it appeared before him, everything crystal clear. The perfect 2 map. Madeleine Waters’s anticipated movements for the next 3 twelve months. He felt an adrenaline surge, stiff heat in his shoul-4 ders and neck. The room was growing colder as the night chill 5 deepened, but he barely noticed. He had work to do, decisions to 6 make. 7 He reviewed the recent additions. December 23. With Christ-8 mas approaching, the week had been slow: the usual assortment of 9 professional engagements, lunches, meetings, the occasional bene-10 fit or awards banquet in support of a worthy cause. 11 And then a single entry struck his eye. 12 Dinner with Chuck Thorpe. At Ormond. January 5. He knew 13 the restaurant. Had in fact eaten there when it opened last year, 14 unable to absent himself discreetly from the Civil Rights Forum’s 15 annual dinner. Such occasions always left him aching with hatred 16 for the world he’d been forced to inhabit. The smug corporate 17 sponsors. The self-satisfied attorneys who came to be feted, confi-18 dent that their brief forays into pro bono work conferred a sort of 19 secular sainthood. 20 But this miserable dinner had finally proved a gift in disguise. 21 He remembered the restaurant clearly, the low lights, the widely 22 spaced tables. Yes, it was almost ideal, better than he could have 23 hoped. A sense of euphoria swept through him. 24 Then, without warning, it was gone, and he was spinning, spin-25 ning down a cold black chute. 26 No. Make it stop. 27 He pressed his teeth together, already knowing what would 28 come. Dizzy, he grasped the table’s edge. A sour sweat leaked 29 through his pores. The smell of fear. The smell of death. 30 I’m moving as fast as I can. 31 He tried to fight back, to win a reprieve. But it was no use. He 32 was already tumbling back. Back to where it all began. 33 A dark room. And everywhere the scent of fear. ort 34 She’s sprawled across the floor. He looks down at her from above. It reg 35 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 7 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 7 feels strange to look down. He’s always looked up at her face, her beau-1 tiful, smiling face. 2 It’s so dark. For a long time, now. Why is she lying so still? 3 He sleeps. 4 And then it’s light. She’s still there, sprawled and broken in ways that 5 he can’t comprehend. She’s floating in a sea of red. 6 He wants to get up, to go to her. But he can’t stand up, can’t seem to 7 move at all. 8 He cries out, but there’s something in his mouth. 9 At first, he thinks she’s asleep. But not really. Really, he knows that 10 she’s dead. 11 He’s hungry. He’s thirsty. 12 And, even then, he knows that she’s dead. 13 She’s dead, and it’s all his fault. 14 And then it was over. Slowly, the vision faded. Still trembling, 15 he stared at the wall. He felt weak, depleted, as if he could sleep for 16 days. But he couldn’t give in to these feelings. Not with success so 17 close. He had to think of the plan. He had to think of the plan. Soon, 18 it would all be over. 19 And he was finally ready to begin. 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 sh 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 8 1 Monday, January 4 2 3 Monday morning. 7:05 a.m. A gray fog hung over the ice-glazed 4 spires of Manhattan. Pulling her red cashmere cape tight against 5 the winter air, twenty-six-year-old Kate Paine walked purposefully 6 across Fifth Avenue. The snow-dusted sidewalks were still sparsely 7 populated. A good two hours remained until the explosion of rush 8 hour, with its shrieking horns and screeching tires. In the relative 9 quiet of the morning, lulled by the city’s dull roar, Kate clutched 10 her cape close and smiled. 11 The holidays were behind her. She was home. 12 Approaching the plate-glass doors of Samson & Mills, Kate felt 13 a swell of excitement. After more than a year at Samson, she still 14 could hardly believe that she’d been hired as an attorney at this 15 legendary firm. That of all the thousands of law school graduates 16 who poured into the workforce each year, she’d been one of the ort 17 chosen few. Just out of Harvard Law, and she’d already worked on reg 18 cases that most lawyers only dreamed about, cases that routinely 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 9 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 9 figured on the front pages of the Wall Street Journal and the New 1 York Times. Fascinating cases of first impression that stretched the 2 limits of the law. And even more important, she had the chance to 3 hone her skills with the nation’s most formidable attorneys. 4 Kate passed through the revolving doors and into an enormous 5 lobby. Tossing off greetings to the security guards, she slipped her 6 card key through an electronic scanner. Then she moved toward 7 the elevator, high heels clicking on the marble floor. 8 Four days into the new year, the lobby was already stripped of 9 holiday decoration. The scarlet poinsettias, with their incongruous 10 shock of color, had been whisked away. As had the majestic 11 Douglas fir and the electric menorah. Once again, the stately entry 12 stood sober and unadorned. Kate relaxed into the familiar space, 13 felt its timeless weight enfold her. 14 Thank God, the holidays were over. 15 The elevator was already waiting. Kate stepped on, and the 16 doors slid shut. Twenty. Thirty. The floors flashed by. As she’d 17 hoped, Kate was the first person to arrive on fifty-one. Making her 18 way down the deeply carpeted hall, past a row of identical doors, 19 she flipped on lights as she passed. Her own closed door was the 20 next to last. As she rummaged in her purse for the key, she studied 21 a small brass plate. Katharine T. Paine. The T stood for Trace, her 22 mother’s maiden name. On impulse, she ran a finger across the en-23 graving, the metal cold to her touch. Then she turned the key and 24 pushed open the door. 25 Stepping into the office, Kate inhaled its familiar smells, furni-26 ture wax mingled with Chanel No. 19, a fragrance she sometimes 27 wore. She cast an approving eye around her ordered domain, with 28 its panoramic views of the Hudson River and beyond. Even in the 29 morning haze, she could make out the Statue of Liberty in the dis-30 tance, a tiny, brave figure engulfed in mist. The room was just as 31 she’d left it. Neat stacks of paper lined her desk. Cartons of docu-32 ments were stacked against the wall. The preholiday cleanup. 33 She’d try to enjoy it while it lasted. 34 sh Kate pulled off her cape and hung it in her office closet. Before 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 10 1 0 A M Y G U T M A N 1 closing the door, she paused to take stock in a mirror affixed to its 2 back. She looked healthy and rested, her skin lightly browned from 3 a week of sun. She quickly ran a comb through her dark brown 4 hair, cut in the jaw-length bob favored by Samson’s female lawyers, 5 then straightened her horn-rimmed glasses. The glasses were a re-6 cent addition, acquired when she started work. Studying her face 7 in the mirror, Kate decided that she liked the effect. Professional. 8 In control. A woman to be reckoned with. 9 How different she looked now from two years ago, when she’d 10 roamed the Harvard campus in ratty jeans and a backpack. Yet one 11 thing remained the same. Her reflected image inspired the same 12 sense of dislocation that it had since she was a child. Who is that 13 woman? Me but not me. She didn’t dislike what she saw. To the 14 contrary, she knew she was pretty. Clear skin, high cheekbones, a 15 fine straight nose. Her eyes were a deep shade of blue. �śStormy,” 16 her mother used to call them. A full-length mirror would have 17 gone on to show the strong but delicate form: shoulders broad 18 enough that she always cut the pads out of her suit jackets, a sweep 19 of breast not entirely concealed by her black-and-gray Tahari suit, 20 narrow hips tapering to long, slim legs. 21 So why couldn’t she see this person as herself ? 22 It was an old question, one that she’d long tired of considering. 23 She shut the closet door and turned toward her desk. 24 I’m proud of myself, Kate thought, surveying the well-appointed 25 office. I did this all on my own. I could have fallen apart. But I didn’t. 26 In the end, Michael did me a favor. . . . 27 But Michael belonged to the past; he had nothing to do with 28 her new life. Pushing the memories aside, Kate sat down and 29 turned on her computer. The screen flashed on. Responding to 30 computer prompts, Kate quickly typed in her user ID followed by 31 the word password. Then it was on to e-mail. Among the usual 32 clutter of junk e-mails �" a paralegal looking for a downtown sub-33 let, a secretary with free kittens, an associate seeking a financial ort 34 planner �" she culled the few messages that demanded immediate reg 35 attention. From Justin Daniels, her old friend and Harvard class-9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 11 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 1 1 mate: �śWelcome back! We missed you and we know you missed us. 1 Let’s shoot for drinks later this week. Cheers. J. D.” From Andrea 2 Lee, her friend and comrade on countless late nights: �śCan’t wait 3 to catch up. Call me ASAP.” There was also a plaintive note from 4 Jonathan Kurtz, a Harvard classmate who’d occupied the office two 5 doors down until a few months back, when he’d been shipped off 6 to Kansas for a trial. �śI fully believe that I will be here in Wichita 7 from now until the end of time. I will never perform any task other 8 than the preparation of cross-examination books that will never be 9 used at trial or anywhere else. I will never see any of my friends or 10 family again. On the upside, I will never have to pay for another 11 meal as long as I live.” 12 Kate laughed. Again, she felt a glow of pleasure, happy to be 13 precisely where she was. But the sense of satisfaction was short-14 lived. Soon, she sat staring at an e-mail from Peyton Winslow, a 15 senior associate at the firm. �śGreetings. I hope that you enjoyed 16 your vacation. Please prepare for a meeting this morning at 10 a.m. 17 with Carter Mills regarding a new matter. The Complaint (which 18 we believe will be served on January 13) and related papers are in 19 distribution. Please review and be ready to discuss.” 20 Kate glanced at her watch. Already after eight. Quickly, she 21 thumbed through the mountain of mail that had piled up during 22 her vacation. �śWill someone just shoot me?” she muttered. Still, 23 beneath the anxiety, she felt a burgeoning excitement. A new case. 24 And a matter significant enough to involve the illustrious Carter 25 Mills. To get in on a case like this at the very start �" what a coup! 26 So many of Samson’s massive cases had been gathering dust for 27 decades. There would be nothing for years and then a brief flurry of 28 activity when the current crop of Samson underlings would try to 29 make sense of what their predecessors had done. The work often 30 seemed more archaeological than legal. Now she’d be in on things 31 from the start, positioned to watch the strategies unfold. 32 The phone rang, but Kate let voice mail pick up as she contin-33 ued to search through the mail. She finally found what she was 34 sh looking for. The complaint, stamped �śDraft” across every page, was 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 12 1 2 A M Y G U T M A N 1 captioned for the Southern District of New York, the federal trial 2 court of Manhattan. The plaintiff’s attorneys must have sent over 3 a draft in hopes of an early settlement. It was often done, the draft 4 complaint serving as leverage, proof of the seriousness of plaintiffs’ 5 intent and the prima facie strength of their case. 6 The draft complaint was twenty-three pages. Kate quickly 7 skimmed its contents, trying to get the gist of the claims. 8 And then paused to let it all sink in. 9 This was, in no uncertain terms, a sexual harassment suit charg-10 ing Chuck Thorpe and WideWorld Media with violations of both 11 state and federal law. 12 Chuck Thorpe. 13 WideWorld Media. 14 Kate grappled with the implications. 15 WideWorld was one of Samson’s largest clients, a sprawling 16 communications behemoth with a seemingly insatiable appetite 17 for new acquisitions. Its recent purchase of Catch �" a �śrelentlessly 18 provocative” men’s magazine edited by Thorpe �" had sparked a 19 firestorm of protest among stockholders. If they had been upset be-20 fore, this would send them over the edge. While the controversy 21 might be good for circulation �" further enhancing Thorpe’s status 22 as publishing’s reigning enfant terrible �" it would not play well 23 with the board of directors. 24 A tentative knock on the door broke into her thoughts. 25 �śCome in!” 26 �śHi, Kate. Welcome back!” In the doorway stood Jennifer Torri-27 celli, her unflappable nineteen-year-old secretary. Jennifer’s dark 28 fantasia of a hairstyle gave new meaning to the phrase �śbig hair,” 29 but there the stereotype ended. She typed ninety words a minute, 30 kept flawless tabs on Kate’s ever-changing calendar, and managed 31 to be nice as well. In theory, Kate was supposed to share her ser-32 vices with a first-year associate named Terry Creighton. But for the 33 past six months, Creighton had been in Nebraska, where he spent ort 34 his days in an unheated warehouse, poring through corporate files. reg 35 Kate could barely remember what he looked like. 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 13 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 1 3 �śYou must’ve had a good vacation,” Jennifer said. �śYou look 1 great!” 2 Kate gave her a distracted smile. �śIt was fine. Relaxing. But it’s 3 good to be back.” 4 Jennifer looked at her, incredulous. �śI don’t believe you guys. 5 The hours that you put in here. And then you don’t even like va-6 cations. Boy, if I ever went to the Caribbean, I don’t think I’d ever 7 come back.” 8 Kate glanced anxiously back at the papers on her desk. �śI’ll tell 9 you about it later. Right now, I have to get ready for a ten o’clock 10 meeting with Carter Mills.” 11 Jennifer’s eyes widened at the mention of Samson’s presiding 12 partner. �śWow. Good luck. Listen, I just wanted to say that there’s 13 a message from Tara on your voice mail.” 14 �śThanks,” Kate said. She’d been right not to pick up the phone. 15 Tara was her best friend and college roommate. It would have been 16 hard to cut short the conversation. 17 �śLet me know if you need anything,” Jennifer said, closing the 18 door behind her. 19 Returning to the complaint, Kate glanced back at the caption to 20 find out the plaintiff’s name. Stephanie Friedman. Briefly, Kate 21 wondered what she looked like, this woman behind the lawsuit. 22 But her thoughts quickly moved on. Where would things go from 23 here? Of course, everyone knew that sexual harassment cases were 24 notoriously easy to file and hard to get rid of, making them a fre-25 quent weapon of choice for disgruntled employees. In her year of 26 legal practice, Kate had already seen more than a few such suits 27 filed on tenuous facts in hope of a speedy and substantial settle-28 ment, a sort of legal blackmail. Who knew what had really hap-29 pened? Still, it didn’t take hours of research to know that Thorpe 30 and WideWorld had a mess on their hands. There was nothing 31 subtle about the allegations. 32 Thorpe routinely referred to women as bitches, cunts, whores. 33 He demanded that the women who worked for him wear short 34 sh skirts and tight sweaters. 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 14 1 4 A M Y G U T M A N 1 He interrogated female employees about their sex lives, de-2 manding detailed descriptions and subjecting them to elaborate 3 dissections of his own encounters. 4 He’d threatened to fire several women if they refused to sleep 5 with his music producer pal Ron Fogarty. 6 It went on from there. 7 Kate tried to remember what she knew about Thorpe. With her 8 eighty-hour work weeks, she had scant time to keep up with cur-9 rent events. But it would have been impossible to miss the media 10 frenzy that broke out several months back when Catch weighed in 11 on sexual harassment. The magazine’s glossy cover featured a par-12 ody of Hustler’ s famous meat grinder shot, a woman’s legs thrust 13 high in the air as her body disappeared in the utensil’s gears. But on 14 the Catch cover, the head disgorged by the grinder was that of 15 feminist icon Anita Hill. Smaller photos inside paired head shots 16 of prominent female activists with bodies from lasciviously posi-17 tioned porno pix. 18 By all accounts, the credit for the uproar was entirely due to 19 Thorpe, a flamboyant entrepreneur whose editorship of Catch had 20 made him a household name. A North Carolina native, Thorpe 21 had started Catch straight out of college with money raised from 22 wealthy classmates. Kate recalled him from television interviews, a 23 compact, powerful figure who pulsed with contained energy. He 24 seemed to take a grim delight in baiting the talking heads who 25 grilled him. �śI respect women,” he said repeatedly, in an exagger-26 ated Southern drawl. �śIn fact, my mother was one. My sister, too.” 27 Intriguing legal issues, celebrity scandal �" what more could a 28 young lawyer want? 29 She couldn’t wait to begin. 30 31 32 Rounding the corner outside Carter Mills’s office suite, Kate 33 slammed into the portly figure of Bill McCarty, who was charging ort 34 in the opposite direction. Her notebook and pens scattered to the reg 35 floor. 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 15 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 1 5 �śExcuse me,” she gasped, bouncing back from the impact. 1 McCarty, red-faced and breathing hard, responded with a short 2 grunt and continued full-speed down the hall, his short arms jog-3 gling at his sides. As she gazed after the stout, balding figure, Kate 4 rubbed her shoulder and wondered what had him so upset. While 5 she’d never worked with McCarty, she knew him by reputation as 6 diffident and unassuming. McCarty was a workhorse, not a show 7 horse. Rumor had it that his election to the Samson partnership 8 stemmed from his willingness to endure crushing workloads with-9 out complaint. Fits of temper seemed entirely out of character. 10 Kneeling to pick up her things, Kate heard a clipped British ac-11 cent behind her. 12 �śNo need to bow before entering. They did away with that years 13 ago.” 14 Kate looked up to see Peyton Winslow. Not that she’d had any 15 doubt who was speaking. Despite three years at Yale Law School 16 and six at Samson & Mills, Peyton’s Oxford intonations only 17 seemed to grow stronger with each passing year. Today, he sported 18 a large pair of red-framed glasses. The glasses were Petyon’s signa-19 ture; he had a wardrobe of different styles, all slightly eccentric by 20 office standards. 21 �śVery funny,” said Kate, clambering back to standing position 22 and smoothing her gray wool skirt. �śI was just cut off at the pass by 23 Bill McCarty, and everything went flying. He seemed furious about 24 something. Any idea what?” 25 Peyton gave her a skeptical look. �śInteresting,” he said. �śI 26 thought he was computer-generated. It never occurred to me that 27 emotions were part of the package.” 28 Kate grinned. She was always surprised by Peyton’s bouts of ir-29 reverence. A rangy figure in his early thirties, Peyton often seemed 30 younger than his years, all eager legs and feet. But appearances could 31 be misleading. Everyone knew that Peyton was a rising star. He was, 32 in the Samson vernacular, �śhighly regarded.” Affectations aside, 33 he was incisive, hardworking, and an excellent manager. He’d be 34 sh up for partner in two years and was widely viewed as a shoo-in. 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 16 1 6 A M Y G U T M A N 1 Together, they proceeded into Carter Mills’s reception area. His 2 secretary, Clara Hurley, was immersed in dictation, her fingers fly-3 ing across the computer keyboard. She jumped when Peyton 4 tapped her on the shoulder. 5 �śYou scared me,” she said reprovingly, pulling the Dictaphone 6 headset off her tight gray curls. 7 �śSorry ’bout that,” said Peyton. Clara visibly softened. Peyton 8 had clearly gotten on her good side. Smart move, Kate thought. 9 When you were trying to get a brief out on time, a good relation-10 ship with the person typing it was at least as important as your le-11 gal skills. 12 �śHave a seat, and I’ll see if Mr. Mills is free,” she said. Clara’s use 13 of Mills’s last name sounded quaint to Kate’s ears. Except for the 14 most inveterate old-timers, everyone at Samson was on a first-15 name basis. But of course, Clara had been with Mills for decades. 16 Waiting outside the closed office door, Kate felt shy and very 17 young. She could feel her heart beating faster. From the corner of 18 her eye, she saw that Peyton was working. His features were locked 19 in concentration as his pen flew across some junior associate’s 20 draft. Kate envied him his seeming calm. 21 For what felt like the fiftieth time, Kate turned back to her 22 notes. If even a fraction of the allegations were true, Thorpe and 23 WideWorld had a major problem. And even if they weren’t true, 24 the case had all the earmarks of a public relations nightmare. The 25 timing �" right on the heels of Thorpe’s splashy attack on the very 26 laws under which he was sued �" couldn’t have been worse. 27 �śCome in, come in.” Carter Mills was standing in the doorway. 28 As she jumped to her feet, Kate felt a subtle change in the atmo-29 sphere, a sort of electric charge. Up close, Mills was even more im-30 posing than she remembered. He was tall, well over six feet, with 31 penetrating slate-blue eyes. Despite gray streaks in his thick dark 32 hair, he gave an impression of youthful vigor. Everything about 33 him �" his voice, his bearing, the aristocratic cut of his features �" ort 34 seemed to exude authority. Mills’s grandfather, Silas Mills, was one reg 35 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 17 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 1 7 of the firm’s two founding partners. Yet family connections were 1 the least of Carter Mills’s credentials. He was widely regarded as 2 one of the nation’s leading trial lawyers, the subject of countless 3 feature stories and news reports and a perennial fixture on top-ten 4 lists. Mills was, Kate thought, a rare blend �" a scholar who could 5 still woo a jury, a $600-an-hour mega-lawyer who could roll up the 6 sleeves of his $300 shirts and speak directly to the people. 7 Mills gestured them into his office. Peyton slipped into a chair. 8 Kate sat down beside him. As Mills returned to his desk, Kate took 9 a quick look around. Several large abstract paintings. A black 10 leather sofa. The decor took Kate by surprise. There were, to be 11 sure, some traditional touches. Family photographs. Harvard diplo-12 mas. An impressive grandfather clock. But it was not what she 13 would have expected. She was intrigued by the room’s appearance, 14 intrigued and also pleased. It seemed to affirm Mills’s uniqueness. 15 �śMadeleine Waters will be joining us shortly,” Mills said, after 16 buzzing Clara for water. �śIf you’ll excuse me for a moment.” He was 17 already back at work. 18 The words pulled Kate back to the present. Another intriguing 19 surprise. Madeleine Waters, the acknowledged beauty of the Sam-20 son fold. Madeleine wasn’t the first female partner at Samson & 21 Mills �" there was Karen Henderson in the tax department and 22 Michelle Turner in trusts and estates �" but she still stood in a 23 class by herself. The first female partner in the litigation depart-24 ment, a club within a club at Samson, she was a role model for 25 younger women. She seemed to embody a bright new world, a 26 place where power and femininity could coexist. 27 Kate briefly wondered if Madeleine could be working on this 28 case and then rejected the thought out of hand. Madeleine Waters 29 working with Carter Mills? No way. While Mills had once been 30 Madeleine’s mentor, they were now said to be barely on speaking 31 terms. Something to do with a failed love affair, if firm gossip was 32 to be believed. 33 A rustle at the door. Clara Hurley appeared with a crystal water 34 sh 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 18 1 8 A M Y G U T M A N 1 pitcher and glasses. The perfect secretary of the old school. Care-2 fully setting down the tray, Clara poured water for Mills, her stolid 3 features suffused with a maternal glow. 4 Without looking up, Mills accepted the glass. 5 �śClara, could you see what’s keeping Madeleine. Tell her we’re 6 ready to meet.” Beneath the sonorous calm of his voice, Kate 7 sensed an edge of irritation. 8 �śYes, Mr. Mills.” 9 And then Madeleine was standing in the doorway, a slim figure 10 in a jade silk dress. 11 �śI’m sorry I’m late,” she said. Her voice, slightly breathless, was 12 lower than Kate had expected. Madeleine sat down on the black 13 leather couch, a little apart from the group. 14 Peyton jumped up and motioned toward his empty chair. 15 �śWould you �"” 16 �śNo. I’m just fine here. This is perfect.” Catching Carter Mills’s 17 eye, Madeleine gave him a faint smile. �śPerfect. ” 18 The smile seemed familiar. Then Kate realized where she’d seen 19 it before. On a sphinx at the Metropolitan Museum. The so-called 20 archaic smile, mysterious and ever watchful. Again, Kate studied 21 Madeleine’s face. She really is lovely, Kate thought. Up close, she’d 22 expected to discern flaws, a harshness of expression or tone. What 23 she saw instead was an utterly harmonious play of feature: a tumble 24 of dark hair tamed by a velvet band, high cheekbones, clear skin, 25 wide-set eyes that seemed to match the vivid green of her dress. 26 Madeleine must be in her late thirties by now. However, hers was 27 the sort of beauty that lasts, defiant of the passage of time. 28 Carter Mills drew a pair of reading glasses from the pocket of his 29 starched white shirt. After placing the glasses on his nose, he 30 clasped his hands on his desk. �śI assume you’ve all read the draft 31 complaint. Based on the facts alleged, I don’t see much chance of 32 dismissal or summary judgment, though we’ll certainly want to ex-33 amine those options. Assuming the complaint’s actually filed on ort 34 the thirteenth, when is our answer due?” reg 35 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 19 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 1 9 �śUnder Rule 12, we have twenty days,” Peyton said. It was the 1 sort of critically important yet mundane fact that associates were 2 charged with tracking. Failure to meet a deadline could result in 3 dismissal of a case. �śSo if the complaint is actually served next 4 Wednesday, the answer would be due on February second.” 5 �śFine,” Mills said, making a notation in a leather-bound ap-6 pointment book. �śIn the meantime, we need to get straight on the 7 facts and law. I’ve scheduled a meeting on Wednesday at one with 8 Chuck Thorpe and Jed Holden. Please plan to be there. After that 9 we’ll be in a better position to devise a game plan.” 10 Again, Kate felt a thrill of excitement. Jed Holden. Wide-11 World’s CEO. One of the nation’s most powerful businessmen. 12 The closest most Samson associates would ever get to someone of 13 Holden’s stature was preparing an affidavit for his signature. For an 14 associate, and a junior associate at that, to attend a meeting with 15 Holden present �" it was almost unthinkable. 16 �śAre there any questions?” Mills said. 17 �śI have a question, Carter.” Madeleine’s low voice seemed to 18 linger in the office air. �śWould you agree that we can’t represent 19 both WideWorld and Thorpe without a conflicts waiver from 20 WideWorld’s board?” 21 Mills looked at her, his face impassive. �śNo,” he said. �śI would 22 not.” 23 The two partners locked eyes. Sensing the tension, Kate found 24 herself staring at her lap. There was something unsettling about 25 the scene. She was curious, of course �" who wouldn’t be �" but 26 also strangely disturbed. It was almost like she was very young 27 again, listening to her parents argue. 28 Seemingly oblivious to the younger lawyers, Madeleine pressed 29 ahead, her tone deceptively light. �śYou can’t ignore the fact that 30 WideWorld has potential claims against Thorpe. When Wide-31 World agreed to buy Catch, Chuck Thorpe was fully aware of Ms. 32 Friedman’s sexual harassment claims. He’d already been informed 33 that the EEOC would investigate. Yet he failed to disclose the po-34 sh 35 re 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 20 2 0 A M Y G U T M A N 1 tential liability �" something the stock purchase agreement clearly 2 obligated him to do. If there’s an adverse judgment in this case, 3 WideWorld may have to consider asserting claims against Thorpe. 4 WideWorld’s stockholders can’t be expected to foot the bill for 5 Thorpe’s �"” 6 �śWe’ll talk about this later, Madeleine.” There was a warning 7 note to Mills’s voice. 8 Madeleine shrugged, and settled back in her seat. The same 9 faint smile Kate had noticed earlier again played on her lips. 10 Kate tried to make sense of the exchange. What Madeleine had 11 said seemed logical, obvious even. Samson’s duty was to its client, 12 WideWorld. You didn’t need to be a specialist in legal ethics to 13 know the dangers of dual representation in a situation like this. 14 But simply thinking this through felt somehow disloyal. After all, 15 Kate chided herself, without actually reading the purchase agree-16 ment, it was impossible to know anything for sure. And even if 17 Madeleine did have a point, why raise the issue like this �" why 18 pick a fight with Mills in front of two associates? Only one thing 19 seemed clear: if Carter and Madeleine had ever been lovers, the af-20 fair had not ended well. 21 For a time, Mills seemed lost in thought. Then, he suddenly re-22 sumed command, as if the previous exchange simply hadn’t oc-23 curred. �śThat’s about it for today.” He was speaking directly to the 24 junior lawyers, as if Madeleine wasn’t there. �śMadeleine will be 25 overseeing your work on this case. Of course, you’re free to come to 26 me with any questions.” 27 Surprised, Kate glanced across the room. Her eyes met 28 Madeleine’s. There was an appraising glint in the other woman’s 29 eyes. For a confused moment, Kate wondered if Madeleine had 30 been watching her. But before she could be sure, it was over. 31 Madeleine was studying her folded hands, and Carter Mills was 32 winding up the meeting. �śI want a legal memo by the end of next 33 week. I’d like Kate to start in on that. If there aren’t any other ort 34 questions, I’ll see you all Wednesday afternoon.” reg 35 w 9858_01_003-152_r5hb.qxd 9/28/00 3:57 PM Page 21 E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H 2 1 After the two associates left the room, Madeleine Waters re-1 mained seated on the leather couch. Still smiling, she studied 2 Mills. But when she spoke her voice was cold. 3 �śI can see that the magic hasn’t faded.” 4 He returned the gaze but said nothing. 5 �śIn any case, that was quite a demonstration. Make them feel 6 like they’re part of your world. The quickest path to loyalty and de-7 votion. Not to mention endless billable hours. That’s what you 8 taught me, isn’t it? Well, congratulate yourself. It worked like a 9 charm. You could see it in their faces.” 10 Mills had assumed an air of calm detachment. �śYou see what you 11 want to see,” he said. �śYou always have.” 12 Madeleine paused, as if contemplating the next maneuver in 13 some delicate game of chance. �śHow comforting to find that noth-14 ing has changed,” she finally said. �śIt’s been quite a while since 15 we’ve worked together. Closely, that is. And you always wonder” �" 16 and here she pronounced the words with odd emphasis �" �śif �" 17 something �" might �" change. And then you realize that nothing 18 ever does.” 19 A smile flickered across Mills’s face. 20 �śIt sounds like you’ve got it all figured out, Madeleine. Let’s be 21 clear about this. Neither of us is happy with this arrangement. Un-22 fortunately, Thorpe has demanded that you work on this case. Ob-23 viously, we have no choice. You have no choice. I’m sure you 24 understand that.” 25 But Madeleine was barely listening. Her mind seemed to be 26 somewhere else. �śThat associate. Kate Paine. You hired her, didn’t 27 you? It’s because of you that she came to work here.” 28 Mills’s expression didn’t change. �śI have no idea what you’re 29 talking about.” 30 And now it was Madeleine who was silent as her eyes roamed 31 Carter Mills’s face. Then, abruptly, she laughed. When she spoke 32 her voice was heavy with scorn. 33 �śYou’re so obvious, Carter. It would be fascinating if it weren’t so 34 sh pathetic. Are you wondering how I knew? Just look at her. ” 35 re Document Outline � PROLOGUE Nashville, Tennessee Eleven years ago Wednesday, April 5 Thursday, April 6 Monday, April 10 Tuesday, April 11 Wednesday�ż�Saturday, April 12�ż�15 Sunday, April 16 Monday, April 17 Tuesday, April 18 Thursday, April 20 Sunday, April 23 Tuesday, April 25 Wednesday, April 26 Thursday, April 27 Friday, April 28 Monday, May 1 Tuesday, May 2 Thursday, May 4 Saturday, May 6 Monday, May 8 Saturday, May 13 Sunday�ż�Monday, May 14�ż�15 Tuesday, May 16 Wednesday, May 17 Thursday, May 18 Friday, May 19 Saturday, May 20 EPILOGUE Merritt, Massachusetts Wednesday, June 28 Author�ż�s Note Acknowledgments About the Author Special eBook Feature: An Excerpt from Amy Gutman�ż�s Equivocal Death Equivocal Death Wednesday, December 23 Monday, January 4 Table of Contents Start