Title: Unexpected
Category: Books » Twilight
Author: ooohlalaaa
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Romance/Humor
Published: 03-30-09, Updated: 09-02-09
Chapters: 20, Words: 77,927

Chapter 1: News & Tattoos

so, this is my latest fluffy endeavor. it's not really angsty, edward's weird, bella's immature, the other four are their typical selves. i'm just throwing this out there because i have about 20 things in the works and right now i'm enjoying this one. so read & review & let me know what ya think. MWA.

oh & this story contains drugs, sex, cursing, and babies. if any of those things offends you, look away.

Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

BPOV

Rosalie, Alice and I had been friends since we were five.

We did everything together, and we always had. We had no secrets, we bickered but never fought, and we were each other's constant support systems. The three of us were more than just friends; we'd become sisters.

Our junior year of college seemed to be progressing normally, so when I got home that afternoon and Rosalie told me her unexpected news, I was completely shocked.

Our lives were about to be thrown completely out of whack.

"Fuck. Oh, fuck, I'm so nervous."

Alice and I looked up from the coffee table at each other, eyebrows raised. Rosalie went on, mumbling profanities to herself as we stood there and waited.

Apparently this was something that best friends did with each other.

"How long do these things take?" I asked, getting restless. Rosalie shoved the instruction sheet into my chest rougher than necessary, making me stumble. "Ohhh-kay," I mouthed. "It says five minutes."

We stood there silently, all contemplating what this meant for us. My main concern was our new townhouse. We'd just moved in, and it only had three bedrooms. Probably not the most important thing, but hey, I wasn't the one who screwed my life up. Rosalie was probably contemplating suicide.

"Look, it's changing!" Alice squealed, pointing at the table.

"I can't look. Oh god, I'm gonna puke. I can't do this." Rosalie turned around and walked across the room holding her forehead.

Alice picked up the stick and I leaned over her shoulder, inspecting it. I winced when I saw what it said.

"Okay, tell me," Rose shouted from the other side of the room, her back turned to us so she couldn't read our expressions.

"Uh, are you sure you don't just want to look at it yourself?" Alice asked.

She was such a better friend than I was.

"I don't know?"

"It's positive," I said, cutting to the chase.

"Bella!" Alice yelled at me and punched my arm.

"What? I think we need to focus on the important issues, instead. Like how I'm not moving out of the big bedroom." I dropped down on the sofa and propped my legs up on the ottoman. I won that shit in rock, paper, scissors fair & square.

Rosalie and Alice stared at me blankly.

"Bella, I hate you. Leave this room," Rosalie said, pointing at the door.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop. Seriously, though… who's the daddy?"

For some reason that brought Rosalie to tears. Alice shrugged at me before walking over and hugging her. I sighed and tapped my hands on my knees, wondering how the hell this day turned out like this.

It started out fine. My old pick up truck actually started on the first try. The hot guy at Starbucks gave me a free muffin. Nevermind the fact that he was 15. My lit class got cancelled because my professor didn't show. All & all, it was a good day.

Then I came home to this pandemonium.

"Rose, I was just kidding about the bedroom. You and your baby can have it," I said, not fully getting why she was so upset.

That just made her cry more.

"I'm not having a baby!" She shouted, making Alice jump.

Maybe I'm immature and lacking compassion, but I was finding the whole thing to be hilarious.

Perfect, beautiful, high honor society, high school valedictorian, cheerleading / debate club captain Rosalie Hale was unmarried and preggers. Whoops.

"Okay. Before you make any rash decisions, I think you need to calm down," I told her.

If she wanted to get rid of the baby then that was her choice, but I figured she should think things through. I mean, I was a mistake, and despite the fact their relationship ended in divorce soon after, my parents kept me. And let's be real- a world without Bella would be a dull, dull place.

"Um, Rose, who's the dad?"

Rosalie looked down at Alice and shook her head.

"I can't say. It's so embarrassing."

"Just tell us," I said, trying to force it out of her. This was gonna be epic.

"It's... Emmett."

Alice and I looked at each other, our jaws hanging to the floor.

"Wait, wait, wait... You slept with Enormous Emmett?" Alice asked, completely confused.

"Not just slept with. She's knocked up with Emmett the Elephant's baby," I added, trying to stifle a laugh.

"I honestly didn't think he'd be able to reproduce. What with all the steroids and everything. I'm surprised he still has balls-"

"OKAY! Just shut up, both of you," Rosalie screamed, cutting Alice off.

"Just one more thing," I added. "You are aware that I once saw him eating hamster food, right?"

"Bella!" Alice reprimanded me.

"I'm just saying..."

I wasn't lying. I think it was freshman year as part of his hazing.

I knew it was pretty dick for me and Alice not to be more sympathetic to her situation, but it was just so bizarre. Emmett was the typical jock/frat boy. He was big and obnoxious and loud, always drunk, stupid as hell, or at least he made himself look that way. He might be considerably hot if he didn't open his mouth, but either way, Emmett was the opposite of Rosalie. And not Dad material, whatsoever. But who is at 21?

"What do I do? Do I tell him?" Rosalie asked.

In unison, I said no and Alice said yes.

"Decide what you want to do, and if you decide to keep it, then tell him."

"No, Bella, that's stupid." Alice said, shaking her head at me. "See what he has to say, then decide. What if he's supportive? What if he wants it? What if-"

I groaned and cut Alice off. "If, if, if. If my mom had balls she'd be my dad."

Rosalie blinked a couple times at me before she started cursing and praying in what I think was Latin.

"What are the chances Paul Bunyan wants a baby? Seriously, Rose. Don't tell him." I felt my advice was worth taking, but apparently Rosalie didn't.

She looked from me to Alice and then at the floor.

"Can one of you go to his house and bring him here? I don't know his number, I just know where he lives-"

"Uh... No," I said.

"Why can't you just go there and tell him yourself?" Alice asked.

"He lives with his freak of a brother and his freak of a brother's friend. It would be nightmarish to try and have a normal conversation in that house."

"I thought he lived in a frat house?" I said with a chuckle.

"He's not in the frat anymore, and shut your god damn mouth," Rosalie spat, not amused at all.

"So he ate the hamster food for no reason?"

Rosalie pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a slow, heavy breath.

That meant danger.

"Bella, you're going," she screamed, standing up from her spot on the floor. "You've done nothing except say stupid comments and be unsympathetic. Stop being a shitty best friend and just do this for me. Please."

An hour later and with a new collection of bruises on my arms, I was standing in front of Emmett the Elephant's door, hating my life. I knocked a couple of times and looked around, kind of surprised at where he lived. It was a cute condo on the water, and there were no visible homemade beer funnels or bongs on the front porch like I'd expected.

Suddenly the door flew open and a cloud of smoke appeared, like something out of friggen Cheech and Chong. There was some pretty sexy artsy dude standing there in a tight white t-shirt covered in paint. There were visible tattoos on his arms, peeking out from his sleeves. He had this crazy bronze-ish hair that stuck out all over the place and it had tiny drops of paint in it. And he had... a bong. Right there in his hands. I spoke too soon.

"Can I help you?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow and looking me up and down like I was standing there nude or something. I looked down and checked just to make sure.

"Uh... Is this the Cullen residence?"

He frowned and shook his head.

"Nope. Later."

He went to slam the door on my face but I stuck my arm out and held it open.

"I was being polite. I know this is the Cullen place, alright? Where's Emmett?"

The stoner stepped to the side and chuckled.

"You look mad."

"You look high," I retorted, waving a hand in front of my face to try and stop myself from getting a contact high.

He laughed and blew a fresh breath of smoke back in my face.

"Can you not do that? I'm here on strict business."

"Yeah, whatever," he said, dropping his neon green bong on the coffee table. "Emmett's on his way home now. You wanna wait?"

Did I want to sit and bask in this stranger's weed den while I waited for my best friend's baby daddy to come home? Fuck no. But I didn't really have a choice. Rosalie warned me that unless I wanted matching bruises on my legs and face, not to come back home without him. And she hit really hard.

"Yeah, I'll wait. Do you live here too?"

I don't know why I felt the need to make conversation with this weirdo, but I was bored so what the hell?

He looked up from a stack of newspapers he was going through and rolled his eyes at me.

"Yeah I fucking live here. This is my place. Emmett's just bunking here for a little while."

I looked around at the crazy ass decorating scheme. It looked like someone had paid for an interior decorator at a time, but there were now some very tasteful posters of half naked women and Bob Marley taped to the wall, along with a Picasso reprint, some broken X-box controllers, a neon Heineken sign, some newspaper clippings and... what I think had once been the waistband of someone's boxers. What the fuck.

There were paintbrushes and textbooks strewn around the room. Next to me was a keg that was still cold to the touch. There were DVD cases and rolling papers and bongs and beer bottles and cigarette butts and Solo cups and anything else you'd expect to find in a dirty college kid's dorm room. Except that it wasn't a freakin dorm room. No wonder Rosalie didn't want to be here. All the smoke and grime probably would've done some damage to her future baby.

Artsy pothead kid grabbed a pair of black, thick rimmed glasses off an end table and kneeled onto the floor, flattening out a wrinkled up newspaper and muttering to himself like I wasn't in the room. He was beyond odd.

"Why do you have broken X-box controllers on your wall?"

He turned his head and looked at them over his shoulder before turning back around to his newspaper.

"It's a reminder to Emmett as to what happens if he doesn't control his rage. You can sit," he said, pointing at a leather sofa covered in crap. I didn't move from where I was standing.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

He tilted his head toward me and lifted the glasses to the top of his sloppy, coppery head.

"I'm Edward Cullen."

He smirked at me and in that instant, I realized Emmett's weird ass pothead artsy brother was fucking hot. I wanted him to bend me over and violate me.

I needed help.

"Bella," I said, pointing at my chest.

"Bella." He nodded and said my name to himself and turned back toward his newspaper, clearly not interested. Okay, then.

Suddenly, I heard stampeding up the stairs outside and Emmett and some other dude that must've been Edward's weird friend came bounding through the door. The friend's jacket was halfway off and they were both sweating.

"You lost, you fat beast! I get first dibs- why hello," weird friend said in a southern accent, winking as he spotted me.

Emmett stared in confusion.

"Are you... Rosalie's roommate?" he asked me skeptically.

"Um, yeah," I answered, walking over to him. "Can I talk to you alone for a minute?"

"Ohhhhhh, sexy," weird friend said, patting Emmett on the back. Please. Like I'd ever touch that brute.

"Shut up, Jasper," Emmett said to the friend. His weird name fit him. "Anything you have to say, you can say in front of my boys."

Oh, he was gonna regret that little comment.

I turned my head to look at Edward, who'd stopped doing whateverthefuck he was doing and was staring intently. Jasper was standing next to Emmett with his arms crossed.

"Uh... Okay. Rosalie needs to talk to you-" the sound of a beer cracking open interrupted my concentration.

I turned to look at Edward again. He took a sip and waved his hands at me.

"Go on," he said. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Emmett.

"She needs to talk to you about something ASAP. She says it's urgent."

"She's pregnant," Edward said, and then he lost interest and went back to his newspaper. Dude had a serious case of ADD.

"What?" Emmett screamed, slapping his forehead. "Is it true?"

"I don't know," I spit out. Rose gave me specific instructions not to tell him anything. "I'm just the messenger-"

"She's pregnant," Edward muttered again under his breath.

I snapped my head toward him, agitated. "Will you SHUT the fuck up already?!"

He picked his newspaper up from the floor and walked down a hallway, slamming a door behind him.

“Okay,” I said to Emmett. “Don't listen to him. Just go talk to her.”

“Alright,” Emmett said, looking like he was about to vomit or wet himself or something. Convincing him to walk to the end of life as he knew it turned out to be surprisingly easy. Then again, most guys would walk over hot lava barefoot for Rosalie.

He followed me back to our townhouse since he had no idea where we lived. Obviously. I sat in the car when I pulled up and called Alice's phone. She let Emmett in and ran outside, sitting in the truck with me.

“I'm still not talking to you,” I said when she got in the car, crossing my arms over my chest. Alice betrayed me and made me go into that condo of horrors by myself, so she was getting the silent treatment.

“Get over it. You had to keep running your mouth, it's your fault.”

“You don't understand what it was like,” I said, shaking my head. “This dude cannot be a father. Their house is one giant bong, and they have underwear on the wall, and-”

“I don't even want to know,” Alice said, sighing.

“I must admit, although he's a little odd, Emmett's brother is totally doable. Extremely doable.”

“Bella? Are you talking about the pothead? The artsy one?”

I nodded.

“Is he even straight?”

“I think so. There's naked posters of women on the wall.”

“That means nothing.”

“He eye-fucked me when he opened the door.”

Alice shrugged and threw her feet up on the dashboard.

“He's a weirdo and a burnout and an art major. And he looks like he smells. And I heard he had his… you know, pierced. Enough said.”

“Hmm. I'm curious to see that.”

“You're disgusting,” Alice said, staring blankly out the window.

It couldn't have been more than five minutes that Lurch was in the house before he ran outside and jumped into his car, peeling out of the driveway.

It didn't seem like it turned out well.

Alice and I walked into the house to find Rosalie curled up in a ball on the living room sofa, hysterical.

“What did he do?” I asked, ready to drive back over there and give him a kick to the scrotum.

“He told me to get rid of it. That he doesn't want anything to do with it, even if I keep it. That I'd be ruining both of our lives and-”

“Okay, get up,” I told her. I was pissed. “We're going over there. This is not okay.”

“No, I don't want to talk to him, I-”

“Get up.” I grabbed Rosalie's arms and pulled her from the couch. Alice and I struggled a bit getting her to my truck, but once she was in, Alice gave her a little pep talk and by the time we got there she was ready to kick some ass.

I pushed open the door without knocking to see the three douche-kateers huddled in the living room. They stared, mouths open, as Alice pushed a teary Rosalie through the door.

“What the fuck's your problem?” I said to Emmett.

“Mind your business,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“For future reference, it's polite to knock before you come into someone's house,” Edward said before walking up to us. He gave Rosalie a strange look and motioned for Emmett to walk over. “Rosalie, is it?” Rose nodded at him with a sneer. “Rosalie. Hi. I'm Edward. You shouldn't get rid of the baby.”

“Shut the fuck up, Edward,” Emmett said, sticking out his arm and shoving him. The burnout's equilibrium caused him to stumble a little and he gave Emmett the finger.

“I'm being serious. I was adopted. So was Emmett. Just have the baby, give it to someone else if you don't want it.”

No one had any sarcastic remarks in response to that little statement.

Emmett grumbled something under his breath and he sighed.

“Fine, Rosalie. Do whatever you want,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Fine. I will.”

And just like that, the three of our lives somehow became intertwined with the steroid junkie, the stoner artist, and their southern sidekick.

Chapter 2: Groceries & Red Paint

thanks to the lovely ladies that reviewed. this story's gonna move kind of fast, so bear with me.

“So, please tell me how this whole thing came to be,” I said to Rosalie.

“Shut up,” Alice said, waving her hand at me. There was a “no talking during Lost” rule that she was really strict about.

“Uh… well, it was during the summer before the semester started. You guys were both still visiting your parents and I got here a couple of days before you did, so I was bored out of my mind and the girl across the street suggested we go to this party at Emmett's… I don't know, I got wasted and it just… happened. Really, there's no excuse. I'm shameful.”

Shameful was putting it lightly.

“Can we discuss this later?”

“Alice, shut the hell up. We have it DVR-ed. This is more important right now.” Alice mumbled what sounded like `cow' under her breath and shut the TV off. “So,” I said continuing. “I thought you were on the pill.”

“I was. But I'd been sick the week before and apparently antibiotics and birth control don't mix.”

“Yeah, everyone knows that,” I said with a shrug. Rosalie squinted her eyes at me and I saw her fists clench. “Just kidding, it's a… common mistake.”

She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath. “So… I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Can one of you come with me?”

“What time?” Alice asked.

“Three.”

“Can't. I have class,” she responded, tossing a piece of popcorn into her mouth.

“Bella… what about you?”

Fuck, I was free, but I was about to go sign up for an elective that I didn't need just so I didn't have to go. Gynecologists and babies and Rosalie scared me.

“Uh… yeah. I'll go.”

The next day when I was driving back from class, an amazing idea popped into my head. I pulled a u-turn and started making my way toward the cannabis condo. When I pulled up to the front of the house, Smoky McBurnout was leaning against the porch railing, joint in one hand and beer in another. I guess it's 5:00 somewhere. But he was clean today - or at least paint free- and his black t-shirt and his glasses and his fucking tattoos were so hot. My mouth was watering.

I would've tried to get my freak on, but Alice's words about him being dirty and having a genital piercing were burned into my brain, and she always seemed to know what was best for me, better than I did.

“Nice truck. You should paint it,” he said, taking a gulp of his beer.

I looked back toward the street at my rusty white truck and shrugged.

“Whatever. Is… uh… Emmett here?”

“Inside,” he said, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb.

“Should I go in, or do I need to knock?” I quipped. He frowned at me like he didn't know what I was talking about. Alrighty, then.

I pushed the door open and stopped when I was halfway through, spinning back around to Edward and taking a deep breath.

“Uh, maybe you should come in here, too,” I said.

For some reason this freak was all about Rosalie keeping the baby, so I figured it would be easier to talk to Emmett if I had someone on my side. What my side was, I didn't exactly know, but right then all I wanted to do was not have to be the one to get dragged around with Rosalie doing baby shit. Today was just the first of many, many days that were sure to come.

Edward shrugged and followed me into the house. I felt a tug at the back of my head, and when I turned around he was holding a piece of my hair.

“You have one piece that's gold.”

“Interesting,” I said, slapping his hand away. “Can you not touch me?”

He chuckled and led the way into the living room, where Emmett was sitting on the sofa playing X-box and looking pretty bummed out. I didn't blame him.

“Um, hey Emmett,” I said, sitting down next to him. He was wearing pajamas still- and by pajamas, I mean straight up flannel pajama pants with little footballs on them. Rosalie had no idea what she was in for.

“Hey.”

“Can I talk to you… please?”

“Go ahead,” he said, not moving his eyes from the TV.

“Um, alright. Well, I think that maybe you were nervous the other day, or something like that, and I get it, you were freaking out, but you kind of handled things like a dick. So, Rose has a doctor appointment later and I was thinking maybe you-”

“Fuck! Did you see that Edward? That was such bullshit.”

The big beast wasn't even listening to me. Edward must've seen the look on my face because he grabbed the controller out of Emmett's hands and tossed it across the room. It knocked over a picture frame and fell behind an end table.

“Pay attention, sac breath,” Edward said, pointing toward me.

“Yeah, so anyway,” I continued. “You should go with her to the doctor. She's scared too, and-”

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

He was irritating.

“Grow the fuck up! Like it or not, you're having a fucking baby and even if you sit here in this… filthy condo- no offense- and play x-box all day in your gay little pajama pants, you can't just hide from this. Be a man and not just a roided out fucktard.”

Edward and Emmett just laughed at my little rant. Whatever. I guess I had gyno duties to attend to after all.

I stood up and started walking to the door when I heard Edward's voice.

“Wait, Betty!”

Betty?

“It's Bella,” I corrected him, shaking my head.

“Yeah, whatever. He'll go. Just wait a minute.”

I stood with my arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe as Edward talked to Emmett.

“Bro, just go. If you keep acting like a dick she's gonna make you pay child support and shit when she has the baby. You can barely afford your beer now as it is.”

Emmett said nothing.

“Fine. If you go, we'll give you an out for Guitar Hero this week. It'll be between me and Jasper.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked him.

“Shut up over there,” Edward said without looking at me.

“Fine. FINE! I'll fucking go,” Emmett said, storming out of the room.

“Whoo hoo!” I yelled, giving a victory pump. “Thanks, Edward.”

“No prob,” he said, waving goodbye to me. Right before I walked out of the house, I turned around and frowned.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Depends.”

“Why exactly is the remainder of a pair of boxers hanging on your wall?”

Edward stuck his head into the living room to look at what I was talking about and laughed.

“Ask Jasper. It's the result of an atomic wedgy.”

Good god. I needed to get out of that place, pronto.

“I see. Bye.”

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't run to my car.

*

“Okay. We got the green vegetables, the lentils, the orange juice…” Alice rambled off the list of food as I pushed the shopping cart up the aisle. She was doing some kind of special pregnant woman diet thing for Rosalie that I could care less about.

“Oh! Bella! I forgot the strawberries. Can you go get them?”

I groaned.

“But they're all the way over there-”

“Go.”

I pushed the shopping cart so it hit the back of her legs before I started toward the produce section. I turned my head and got distracted by a Vogue magazine when all of a sudden I slammed right into someone.

“Whoa. Watch it.”

Edward sans glasses was standing in front of me, carrying a basket full of… crappy disgusting boy junk food.

“Doing some food shopping?” I asked, pointing at his basket.

“Yup. I lost this week.”

“What?”

He started walking up the frozen food aisle and motioned for me to follow him.

“Every week the three of us have a Guitar Hero tournament. Loser buys the groceries. It was Emmett's idea.”

“Sounds… fascinating,” I said, frowning.

“Yeah. What are you doing here?” I looked down and realized I had no purse or basket or shopping cart and I must've looked like some kind of loser for just chillin around the grocery store banging into people.

“Uh… strawberries.”

“Right,” he said, furrowing his brow. He opened up one of the freezer doors and a blast of air hit me. Suddenly a sweet, musky smell entered my nose. I realized it was Edward. It was surprising, because I expected him to smell like… hemp or acrylic paint or something like that. I made a point to tell Alice he was most definitely not dirty.

“There,” he said, pointing at a shelf.

“I can't get frozen ones I don't think,” I said, still a little intoxicated with him.

“Well then you can't get any because strawberries aren't in season.”

Huh. So his brain did work. I mean, two weeks earlier he couldn't remember my name, but he knew the agricultural calendar.

I grabbed the bag of strawberries and continued walking next to him up the aisle, watching as he filled his basket to the brim with microwavable frozen food.

“How three of you don't weigh 300 pounds when you eat like this is beyond me,” I said, shaking my head.

“Emmett does weigh 300 pounds.”

That made me laugh. For some reason, Edward was completely odd and the last kind of guy I could ever see myself going for, but there was something about him that made me feel… comfortable. I don't know.

“I think it's cute you wanted her to keep the baby,” I blurted out. Edward chuckled and scratched the back of his neck.

“Yeah, well… like I said, I was adopted. Even if they don't want it, someone out there does. Did she decide what she was gonna do yet?”

That little statement was pretty endearing.

“No, not really. She's definitely having it. As far as keeping it, I have no clue.”

When we walked up the next aisle, Edward grabbed a bag of lollipops and opened it, handing me one. He hummed along with the elevator music streaming through the supermarket and stopped to inspect a random box in the foreign food section that I'm pretty sure was written in Japanese. When we got to the end of the aisle, Alice was standing there, hands on her hips, sneering at me.

“Bella. Step away from the burnout.”

I rolled my eyes and threw the strawberries in the shopping cart.

“Want a lollipop?” Edward asked, sticking the bag out to Alice.

“No,” she spat. And then she grabbed one anyway and started pushing the cart toward check out.

“Bye,” I whispered to Edward. He winked and walked in the other direction.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Alice asked, carelessly tossing the groceries onto the conveyor belt.

“Uh, I was saying hello.”

“You were gone for like ten minutes. Did you forget what I said about the no-no piercing? I guarantee it would hurt you.”

“I don't believe anything you say,” I told her, flipping through Star Magazine. “You said he smells bad, and he doesn't so… I don't believe you.”

“Way to be a bad friend. Rosalie's going through this shit and you're out looking to get laid.”

Now Alice was pissing me off.

“Okay, I'm sorry, so because she gets knocked up that means my whole life has to revolve around catering to her and helping with the freaking baby? I go out and try to get laid. That's what I do. I'm not gonna stop because she's pregnant,” I said, scrunching my nose and throwing the magazine onto the belt.

“You need to grow up. You're as bad as Emmett.”

Oh, no she didn't. With that remark I left her standing at the check out counter and stomped off to my truck.

*

“Umm… hey guys.”

Rosalie starting a sentence with “um” never meant anything good.

I dropped the bags of groceries in my hands onto the counter and glared at her.

“What?” I asked.

“Do you… have plans for tonight?”

“Why?” Alice questioned, suspiciously.

“Well… I'm trying to form some kind of a camaraderie with Emmett and he suggested me going over there later and watching a movie with them, and… I don't want to go alone, because, quite frankly, the three of them scare me.”

“I'll go if Alice doesn't go,” I said, slamming the refrigerator shut.

“What?”

“She's mad at me,” Alice said, rolling her eyes.

“Oh… um, okay, thanks Bella.”

“Yeah, just to warn you, she probably won't be much help. She'll most likely spend the night trying to fuck Emmett's brother on top of his art supplies.”

Rosalie frowned and looked from me to Alice and then back at me.

“I won't do that,” I assured her, even though the idea seemed kind of appealing.

A couple of hours later we were standing in front of the open door of the condo, trying to let the smoke air out before we walked in.

“Okay, new rule for Edward,” Emmett shouted from inside. “No toking up when Rosalie's around.”

“No, no… don't act all polite for me,” Rosalie said, waving her hand in front of her face as she walked inside. In Emmett's defense, he looked like he'd showered and made an effort to get dressed like a normal human being. The condo was still in shambles.

Edward smiled as I walked inside, but that was pretty much it. He went into his bedroom, I assumed, and I was left in the living room with the parents-to-be and the southern kid.

I stepped over a broken little plastic guitar as I made my way to the sofa.

“What happened?”

“Intense game of Guitar Hero. Edward got pissed,” Jasper said, swiping his hand across the sofa to clear a spot for me to sit. Very gentlemanly like.

We decided on Knocked Up as the movie because it just seemed eerily appropriate. Halfway through, and I was ready to off myself. Jasper had fallen asleep 15 minutes in and Rosalie and Emmett had some little comment to say about every-fucking-scene.

“Ohhh!” Rosalie said suddenly, excited. “That reminds me. I got a baby book for you. Do you want to read it?”

“Uhh… sure?” Emmett said, clearly still really uncomfortable with this whole thing.

“You can just read about when I'm pregnant, because even if we decide to give it up for adoption, that part still pertains to us, you know?”

“Does anyone have a cigarette?” I asked. I didn't smoke. But I really needed one right then.

“Go ask Edward. He's probably on the back porch, just go through the dining room,” Emmett directed me, pointing behind him.

“Oh, and while you're up can you get the book out of your truck?” Rosalie asked.

I managed to find the dining room and I walked through the glass doors, to a large, well lit porch. Edward was standing in front of a huge canvas that only had a few strokes of red on it.

“Hey,” I said. He turned his head when he heard my voice. “Emmett said that you smoke cigarettes.”

“Not really, but I have them. Why, do you want one?”

Now that I was outside and away from the two of them, I felt better.

“No. What's this gonna be?”

“I'm not sure yet,” he said, twisting the paintbrush around in his hand. He bent over to the ground to dip his brush and as I checked out his ass I noticed another tattoo on his back where his shirt had ridden up. God dammit, tattoos were now my new favorite thing.

He stood back up and held the brush out to me.

“Here,” he said, handing it to me. “Do whatever you want.”

“I don't want to mess it up,” I told him. Because little did he know, I was probably the most inartistic, uncreative, uncoordinated person out there.

“It's nothing yet. Just do work,” he said, stepping back.

So I did. I got on my tiptoes and dragged the brush from the top of the canvas, all the way to the bottom, right in the middle. And then I did the same thing from left to right. Then I started to get into it, and I did some more random strokes while I did a little dance and I dipped the brush again and splashed drips of red paint all over it and then Edward grabbed my wrist and pulled the brush away.

“Okay. You're getting out of hand. Good job, though.”

“Thanks. Do those stairs go out to the driveway?” I asked, pointing to the left side of the porch.

“I think so.”

What the hell did that mean?

“Okay…” I shrugged and walked toward the steps as Edward followed behind me.

“Where you going?”

“Uh… to get the baby book for daddies out of my car.”

“Yeah, because maybe he'll read that,” Edward said with a chuckle.

We approached my truck and Edward started inspecting it, playing with the side mirror and picking at rusty paint chips.

“You should paint this,” he said. Again.

“I know, you already told me.”

“I think you should do it red,” he said, stepping back and frowning.

“Red? Like that kind of red?” I asked, pointing at his paintbrush.

“Yeah.”

And then he stuck his arm out and swiped his brush across my white truck, making a thick red stripe across the door.

“What. The. FUCK,” I shouted, making him laugh.

“Yeah, definitely red,” he said to himself, as if I wasn't standing there freaking out. I tried to wipe it off with my finger but all it did was force the paint deeper into the… rust. Whatever, the thing was old.

“This looks great,” I said sarcastically, yanking my door open and reaching in with my paint-free hand to grab the book. I shoved it into Edward's chest and started back toward the house.

“Come on, stop being a bitch,” he said from behind me. “Just look.”

I sighed and turned around to stare at my ghettoized truck.

“Alright, look at the way the light hits it. Just picture the whole thing red. It`ll look completely different.”

I stared blankly at him and blinked a couple of times as he rubbed his chin.

“Yeah. Amazing. I think as punishment for ruining my truck, you need to finish watching the movie with us.”

Edward grumbled something as he walked into the house, and he headed straight for the kitchen.

“Um, hello? Movie?”

“I'm washing my hands,” he said, throwing the paintbrush onto the counter. I shook my head in amazement. These people desperately needed a maid.

After we both cleaned the paint off of us we entered the living room, Edward dropping the book onto Emmett's lap with a chuckle. I sat back onto the sofa where I was before, and Edward dropped down on the floor in front of me.

When the movie got to the birthing scene, Rosalie gasped and covered her mouth in horror.

“I've seen this movie before by, my god. My poor, poor vagina.”

“Yeah, it probably won't ever be the same again,” Edward said nonchalantly. I slapped the back of his head.

I realized then that this kid just said whatever popped into his head, even if it was inappropriate. I found it kind of fascinating.

“That's not true, is it Bella?”

I cringed and turned my head toward Rosalie.

“Honestly, you're asking the wrong person. Emmett, check the baby book,” I said, getting a laugh out of Edward and Emmett. Maybe Alice was right about me needing to grow up.

On a good note, the whole night seemed to soften Emmett up a teeny tiny bit. I could tell Rosalie still wanted to rip his nutsack off, and that he was still thinking about swallowing some bleach, but even small progress was progress in my book.

When we got to my car, Rosalie gasped and stared in horror.

“What the fuck happened? Is that blood?!”

“No, it's… paint. Edward,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“So you really have a thing for the burnout?” Rosalie asked disgustedly as we climbed into the car.

“No, I don't have a thing for him. I said he was hot and Alice takes everything out of hand. You think he's hot, right? Am I crazy?”

She stared at me expressionlessly.

“Um, yeah, I think he could be hot if he wasn't covered in tattoos and paint and he wasn't high and saying stupid shit 24/7. And maybe if he washed his hair-”

“His hair's fine,” I said offensively. I liked his hair too much for people to insult it. Fuck, maybe I did have a thing for him. “So, um you and Emmett seem to be getting along better,” I said quickly, changing the subject.

“Not really. But I just keep saying in my head, nine weeks down, only 31 to go.”

I didn't tell her, but 31 weeks seemed like a long, long time.

*

“Bella,” Alice said, shaking me awake. I looked up to see her fully dressed, her books in her arm.

“What?” I grumbled, annoyed. It was my one day of late classes and the only day of the week I could sleep in.

“Uh… come outside. Now. Emergency.”

Great. I figured Rosalie fell down the stairs or something, but when I got to the front porch my mouth dropped open.

“Oh. My. God.”

It was all I could say.

Alice stared at me as I ran over to my truck. I took a lap around it and then, because I didn't know what else to do, I started laughing. The entire thing had been painted red, and like Edward said, it looked way better.

“Who did this?” She asked me, completely confused.

“Uhhh… take a guess,” I said between my chuckles.'

“Bella… you're stupid. This is a mistake.”

I didn't care what she said.

I had a thing for Edward.

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Chapter 3: Crosswords & Puppies

thank you to all the fabulous peeps that reviewed. you guys are hysterical.

SM owns twilight.

“Should we go in there with her?” Alice asked.

I turned my head toward the bathroom and cringed at the noises echoing out of it.

“Um… no.” I took a tiny bite of my muffin before pushing it across the counter. “For some reason, I don't feel like eating right now.”

Alice snickered and shook her head at me.

“So, where do you think we're going?” She asked.

“Umm… would it be wishful thinking to hope for a keg party?”

Our weekends had been pretty dull lately. Rosalie still looked amazing and hadn't gained a pound, but she claimed she felt like a moose and didn't want to go out in public. Hence, the lack of keg parties in my life. I found it kind of unfair, since I knew for a fact Emmett still went out all the time. Edward told me when I ran into him at the library the week before. And by run into, I mean I strategically stood in the Modern Art section when I saw him walk in.

“It's nine in the morning,” Alice grumbled.

“Okay, well then I don't know.”

I heard the water running in the bathroom and a few seconds later Rosalie emerged, looking… surprisingly happy.

“Alright, I'm ready,” she said, grabbing her purse. Alice and I exchanged a look before following her out of the house.

“You're not gonna puke in my truck, right?”

“Bella,” Alice reprimanded me, as usual, pinching me really hard.

“Just kidding. So, um, what are we doing?”

A half hour later, we were standing at the counter of some puppy boutique, Rosalie trying to put a sweater on a poor, little helpless squirrel. She claimed it was a dog, but it looked like a big squirrel to me.

“Um… I'm just throwing this out there. How is giving Emmett a squirrel going to teach him responsibility? Couldn't we just have given him one of those robot babies, or kicked it old school and given him an egg or something?” I asked.

Alice turned her back so Rosalie wouldn't see her laughing.

“First of all, it's a Chihuahua. Stop calling it a squirrel,” Rosalie spat at me.

“Sorry.”

“And second, a puppy is a living, breathing… thing. Giving him an egg or a robot baby or whatever the hell you're talking about wouldn't have the same effect.”

“Let's buy him booties!” Alice interrupted, holding up some mini doggie snow boots. I ripped them out of her hand and threw them across the store because that was just going way too far.

“Alright, whatever you say,” I told her. “But I'm just warning you, I have visions of Edward trying to teach your squirrel how to use a bong.”

“No, it'll be fine,” Rosalie said, but she didn't sound convinced.

*

“Whoa! You bought Emmett a guinea pig?!”

Rosalie used her free hand to rip off Edward's glasses and stuck the dog closer to his face.

“The fuck is the matter with you? It's a puppy!”

Edward blinked a couple times and then moved his eyes from me, to Alice, to Rosalie and then back to the dog.

“I guess it's cute,” he said with a shrug. “Give me him.”

And then he took off with the squirrel/guinea pig/Chihuahua, leaving Emmett standing there confused.

“Uh… I'm not sure management is okay with vermin as pets-”

“It's not vermin, it's a dog,” Rosalie said, cutting Emmett off. “And Edward seems to like it. This is his condo, isn't it?”

Emmett nodded.

“Why don't you let Emmett name it?” Alice suggested.

Rosalie smiled. “Sure, Emmett. You name it.”

Emmett looked up from the bag he was digging through. It was full of little dog outfits that Rosalie and Alice had picked out.

“Umm… I think I have to see it,” he said, holding a tiny ski vest. Ridiculous.

Edward walked back into the room with the dog in his arm and a newspaper in his other hand. The dog had a little knit scarf wrapped around it's neck and was sleeping.

“Where the hell did you get that?” Emmett asked.

“I took it off a teddy bear that mom sent you,” Edward answered, laughing. “Can I have my glasses back?”

Rosalie slid his glasses back on his face and he walked over to the kitchen counter, the dog still in his arm, to read the newspaper. Seeing Edward with the squirrel almost made it… cute.

“What should we name it, dickhead?” Emmett asked, still looking through the bag. Alice ripped it out of his hands and dumped the pile of clothes onto the counter.

“Marlon Brando. What's a five letter word for hasty that starts with r?”

“Rapid,” I answered.

Everyone turned their heads toward me.

“What?”

“Good job,” Edward said scribbling down the answer on the crossword puzzle, before he started picking at the clothes. “Ooh, let's put the little zebra hoody on him.”

Suddenly the door flew open and Jasper tromped in, joining us in the kitchen.

“Oooh! A dog! Give me him!” He ripped the dog out of Edward's arms and started kissing it and letting it lick his face and he got down on the floor and let the dog jump excitedly all over his chest.

It was that moment that I realized Alice fell in love.

She kneeled down next to Jasper, giggling and petting the dog. Edward raised an eyebrow at me and went back to his crossword puzzle.

“Who's is this? And what's his name?” Jasper asked as the dog licked his ear.

“It's mine. And his name is… Jake,” Emmett said, nodding.

“Yeah, Jake, that's cute,” Rosalie said.

I sat down in the barstool next to Edward and stared down at the newspaper.

“Five down is lioness. And twelve across is memo. Six down is-”

“I got it,” he said to me, scribbling down the answers and covering the page with his hand.

“Bella's really good at crossword puzzles,” Alice said from her spot on the floor.

“So is Edward,” Jasper added, before growling at the dog. He was tugging on Jasper's thin, wrinkled t-shirt.

Edward reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He offered one to me and I shook my head, before he lit his up.

“Too early to get high?” I asked sarcastically.

“I've already smoked twice today,” he mumbled, writing down the wrong answer for 22 down.

“No, it's finale,” I corrected him. He got angry and folded the newspaper shut before tossing it on the ground.

“Oh, come here for a minute!” He suddenly exclaimed, hopping out of his chair. I followed him up the stairs to a door at the end of the hallway.

He pushed it open and I looked around, confused.

“Who's room is this?”

“Uh… mine,” he answered, the cigarette still in his mouth.

It was nothing like I thought his room would be. The walls were a light beige color, and there was a big, black wrought iron bed in the middle of the room. There were shelves crammed with books and there was a small desk against one wall with a laptop on it. Against the far wall, there were two huge windows that overlooked the river. Everything matched and the entire room was immaculately clean, unlike the rest of the condo.

“This is nice,” I said, sitting on the bed.

Edward dropped his glasses on the desk and pulled the swivel chair over to his closet. He opened the doors and set it in front of a shelf, looking at me over his shoulder.

“Hold this steady,” he said as he climbed up onto it.

I held the back of the chair carelessly, because I was too concerned with staring at Edward's cute little butt that was only a couple of inches from my face.

He jumped down holding a silk green pillow and handed it to me.

“My mom decorated the condo when we moved in and I just threw all the useless crap up here. But look, we can use this as a dog bed.”

“It's… silk.”

“Yeah, so what?”

Apparently material possessions meant very little to Edward. Either that, or he was such a spoiled brat that he had no qualms about wasting money. Him and Emmett didn't seem like the rich type, so I was betting on the former.

I shrugged and dropped the pillow on the bed before I walked around and continued inspecting Edward's room. There was a keyboard near the closet that I hadn't noticed. A frame on his desk held a picture of him and Emmett and a couple that looked way too young to have kids their age at what looked like their high school graduation. I nosily popped open his CD played to see what was inside of it.

“You listen to classical music?” I said, completely baffled.

“Some. That's Debussy,” he said, closing the CD player and turning it on. The soft sound of Clair de Lune filled the room as I ran my finger along Edward's vast collection of books.

“You've very odd,” I noted, pulling out a book of Dali's works and flipping through it.

“I prefer the term eccentric.”

“Whatever. Bongs and tattoos and piercings and painting and classical music and crossword puzzles and compassion for small animals is far from the norm for me,” I said, listing off all the things I'd observed about him in the past couple of weeks.

“Piercings?”

Whoops.

“Did I say that?”

“Yeah. Maybe you're the one who's odd, and I'm just normal,” he said with a smirk.

“Agree to disagree,” I said with a shrug, shoving the book back onto the shelf and grabbing the dog bed.

*

“Do you think she's okay there by herself?” Alice asked me as we walked up the lawn of a random frat house. Some kid that sat next to me in my Sociology class invited me, and I was in desperate need of some social activity so I agreed, dragging Alice along. The kid was pretty cute, too, so… whatever.

“Alice, she's pregnant, not three. I think she'll be okay by herself for one night.”

“Do you think we'll see Emmett here?”

“Absolutely,” I said, stepping into the house. I handed some slut in a belly shirt- because, really, who wears belly shirts anymore that isn't a slut- $10 for cups for Alice & me, and we headed to find the keg. Passing by the kitchen, we heard chanting and cheering. I started hysterically laughing and pointed to Alice when I saw it was Emmett trying to funnel a pitcher of beer.

“Wonder who's on puppy duty?” I asked as Alice rolled her eyes.

“He's such a loser. Let's not tell Rosalie that the responsibility thing isn't working out,” Alice suggested, suddenly spotting the keg. “There it is!”

We walked toward it, shoving random drunk frat boys and skanks out of the way.

“Bella!” I heard someone calling my name and I shot around.

“Hey!” I screamed over the loud music when I heard who it was. “Alice, this is my friend Mike.”

“Hi,” Alice said, holding up her empty cup. “Can you lead us to the keg?”

“Sure,” he said, laughing. He grabbed my wrist and I grabbed Alice's and we kept pushing through the sea of people until we finally reached the motherland. I had to clench my teeth together to keep my jaw from hanging open when I saw who was standing there.

“Hey there,” Edward said, as he filled his cup. He looked down at Mike's hand that was still holding my wrist and raised an eyebrow.

“Hey,” I said, holding out my cup so he could fill it. I tried to politely and stealthily yank my arm from Mike's grasp, but Edward saw me. He stood there, smirking, eyebrow still cocked, not saying anything.

“Funny seeing you two here,” Edward muttered, now filling Alice's cup.

“Yeah, you too. Shouldn't one of you be home watching the dog?”

“We locked him in the bathroom with food and his pillow. He'll live,” Edward said, dropping the nozzle from his hand.

“You know Edward Cullen?” Mike whispered in my ear, like Edward was the plague or something.

“Um, yeah. Why?”

“I don't know, he doesn't seem like the type of person you'd hang around with.”

I tried not to let Mike's words get to me, but they kind of did. Because he wasn't the kind of person I'd hang around with, but I couldn't help but like him.

“Uh… Alice has to go to the bathroom, can you show her where it is?”

Alice immediately caught my drift because we often did things like that to each other, but she made sure to squint her eyes at me as Mike dragged her off.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked Edward, moving closer than necessary to him and trying to use the excuse that it was loud in there.

“You came here with Newton? Really?”

“What does that mean? I like him, he's… nice.”

Edward took a gulp of his beer and nodded.

“You would like him.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, irritated.

“Exactly what you think. It means he's generic and boring, and so are you. Hence, you would like him.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and sneered.

“I am not generic and boring. You don't even know me.”

“Okay, enlighten me,” Edward said, taking a hit from his bowl. Of course.

“You painted my car in the middle of the night without my permission. Did I ever complain about it?”

“That's because it looks better.”

He held the bowl up to my lips and lit it, so naturally I breathed in.

“You know what?” I said, before letting out a cough. “I don't need to explain myself to you! I'm sorry, am I not cool because I'm not weird like you? Do I have to get a Prince Albert piercing or something-”

Edward choked on his beer and held his hand up as he laughed and tried to catch his breath.

“I don't have a Prince Albert, thanks. It's my frenulum.”

I stared blankly at him.

“I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it's equally fucking weird and disgusting.”

“You can see it if you want,” he offered, winking at me. If he hadn't just made fun of me I would've taken him up on his offer, but now I was pissed.

“No. Not at all.”

“Your loss,” he said with a shrug. “Oh, look your boyfriend's coming back.”

I spun around to see Mike trying to walk back toward me, but instead I left Edward standing there and met him halfway.

“Thanks for that, Bella. The bathroom was very sanitary,” Alice muttered, taking a chug of her beer. We walked past the kitchen again, where Emmett was now shirtless, his shirt draped around his neck.

“Newton! Get in here, you pussy, it's your turn!” Mike waved and walked into the kitchen to funnel the rest of Emmett's backwash or something.

“I'm all keg partied out,” Alice said, finishing off her beer. I handed her mine and pointed across the room.

“Hey. Look over there. It's the Confederate.” Her eyes widened for a minute when she saw Jasper and then she shrugged.

“Why would I care?”

“Because you lurrrve him,” I said, making kissy sounds. “You want to ride him reverse cowboy style.”

“Not true at all. Look at him. His hair is too scruffy, and he's way too tall and skinny and… his jeans are too… okay, FINE, I think he's hot, but Edward is so much worse.”

“Screw Edward. He said I was too generic and boring for him, whatever the hell that means. Do you know what a frenulum is?”

Before I'd even finished talking, Alice had made her way to the corner to yee-haw with the cowboy. Bitch. I decided to make my way to the bathroom to call Rosalie and see how she felt.

I skipped to the front of the line, getting cursed at by a bunch of freshman whores. I knocked a couple of times after waiting there for longer than I wanted to. When no one answered, since I have no shame, I pushed open the door to find Edward and some blonde chick smoking in the bathroom. If it was at all possible to overdose on THC, this kid would be the one to do it.

“There's people waiting for the bathroom,” I said rudely as the girl glared at me. There was a slight chance I was jealous.

“Okay. You can leave, Tanya,” he said, pulling me inside and shoving the blonde girl out the door.

“Um, I may be boring, but at least I'm not rude.” I leaned on the door until it clicked behind me. “And just so that you know, I've gone skydiving, I went hiking in Europe with Rosalie and Alice twice, I won a statewide cooking contest-”

“Bella?”

“What?”

“Shut up.”

And then Edward's lips were pressed against mine, and he was pushing my body up against the door. His hand grasped the side of my head gently and he shoved his lips further into mine, his musky, sweet… weed smell filling my nostrils.

I didn't care. It was delicious.

His mouth opened a little bit, and I took full advantage, slipping my tongue past his lips and pressing it against his, tasting all the beer and sweet and smoke and amazingness. I reached under the hem of his shirt and pressed my fingertips into the small of his back, and just as I was getting really into it… he pulled away.

“Umm,” I said, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “What was that?”

“I don't know,” he said, shrugging. “I just felt like it.”

And then he walked out, and left me standing there alone in the bathroom.

*

“How was last night?” Rosalie asked me with a yawn as she walked into the kitchen.

“Fine. Edward kissed me.”

“What?!” Rosalie stood behind my shoulders and watched me play with my laptop. I typed in frenulum piercing on Google and gasped when I saw what popped up. “Oh my god. What the hell are you looking at? You know my stomach is sensitive in the morning!”

“Ehhh,” I said, clicking on different pictures. “So, yeah, anyway, he kissed me. And then he walked away and I didn't see him for the rest of the night.”

“Well, he's weird. That's what weirdos do,” she said, tapping her manicured nails on the back of my chair.

“So, when Edward said he has his frenulum pierced, we're assuming that doesn't mean oral, right?”

“Didn't you kiss him? You would've felt a bar in his mouth.”

I looked at all the ridiculously disgusting pictures on my computer and my stomach kind of twisted. Then, I quickly clicked out of it and slammed my laptop shut.

“Um… did he taste bad?” Rose asked me, laughing.

“No. Bitch. And I wouldn't be laughing if I were you, your future husband was there last night walking around shirtless. Sans your dog. He was locked in their bathroom all night, if you were wondering.”

Rosalie gasped and grabbed the phone off the wall before storming back into her bedroom.

I poured myself a glass of orange juice and was staring at an ultrasound picture on the refrigerator that just looked like a blurry peanut to me, when the doorbell rang.

I ran to the door and yanked it open, shaking my head at Edward. He was standing there, all sexy with his black peacoat and his glasses, not even trying. I was sure I looked far from decent.

“Hey,” he said, smirking. “What are you doing?”

Not looking up pictures of dick piercings on Google to see what yours looked like.

“Nothing…”

He held up the newspaper and frowned.

“I can't figure out 14 down.”

I wanted to hit him for being so flaky, but I couldn't.

I was too smitten.

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Chapter 4: Edward Jr & Earrings

thanks for all the awesome reviews :) you guys make me so happy. oh & a couple of people have asked me this, but it's going to be a B & E centric story. just wanted to clear that up. SM owns twilight.

When I woke up in the morning, I thought there was a cat dying somewhere nearby, and then I realized it was just Rosalie's wailing and sobbing. Not what you want to wake up to before class. Alice was already gone, so I nervously knocked on Rosalie's door before going in. She was curled up in her bed, clenching her latest ultrasound.

"What's the matter?" I asked her, timidly sliding under the blankets with her. I took the picture out of her hand and squinted. It still just looked like a blurry nut to me.

"I think I have to give the baby up," Rosalie said, attempting to stop her sobbing.

"Um... Okay? Why is this the cause for a breakdown?"

"Because, Bella! I wanted to decide this for myself, and my parents are forcing me-"

"Wait, wait, wait," I said, holding my hands up. "You're three months pregnant and you just told your parents? Why?"

"Maybe because I knew they'd fucking act like this."

"I could have told you that."

To say that Rosalie's parents were strict would be putting it lightly. Basically they had her on a short leash. They'd give her anything she wanted so long as she held up her side of the deal; do good in school and don't screw up your life. Pretty sure having a baby out of wedlock at 21 when you were still in college fell under the category of life screwing up-age.

"They said if I keep it they won't support it. They'll stop paying for everything for me- school, the townhouse, my weekly pedicures... Everything."

"Rose, there's a simple solution to all this," I said, smiling.

"What?"

"If you want to keep it, make Emmett get a job!"

"Him? Yeah, okay. I don't think a job at The Weiner Hut will support me and a baby."

"Umm... Maybe you're underestimating him. Do Weiner Hut employees get full benefits?"

That got a laugh out of her. "Fine, whatever, I'll talk to him. Oh, Bella?"

"Huh."

"So, Alice found this really cool class where they teach you how to take care of newborn babies and stuff-"

"No."

"You're going."

"No I'm not."

“You're a bitch,” Rosalie said, flipping over the covers and throwing them over my head.

“Does Alice have to go?”

“No. But she has compassion and maternal instincts and you don't. If I keep the baby, I won't ever leave it alone with you.”

I shrugged. “I'm cool with that.”

Suddenly Rosalie smirked and cocked her head to the side.

“I forgot to tell you. It's for couples only. So we signed up you and Edward. And we all got a student discount so… yay!”

I wanted to gauge Rosalie's eyes out, but then I realized that going to a newborn training class with Emmett and Edward could only mean one thing.

Pure. Comedy.

So, I gave in.

*

“Are you aware Rosalie signed you up for parenting classes?” I asked Edward before I even walked into the door.

He blinked a couple times and scratched his head.

“What?”

“Um, parenting classes. She claims that I'm not maternal enough and you're the uncle so you're going to be around it often.”

Edward yawned and stretched out his arms before sitting on the arm of his sofa. He looked like he'd just gotten up and it was… two in the afternoon.

“Well, do I get a fake baby?”

“Yep.”

“Huh. Okay, I'll do it.”

“She doesn't even know if she's keeping it yet. Why the hell should we have to go to baby training classes if she isn't even going to keep it?”

He shrugged. “To be prepared.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Maybe you and Rosalie should just go off and raise this baby together. You're both so enthusiastic-”

“You shouldn't stress over stuff so much. You know? Just… take things with stride.” He picked up Jake from the floor and started tossing him in the air.

I sighed and clenched my eyes shut.

“Did your birth mother live in a nuclear testing zone when she was pregnant with you?”

Edward frowned and held a bone in the air out of the dog's reach as he hopped up repeatedly, trying to grab it.

“That's offensive.”

“Are you high?”

“Yes.”

Amazing. I turned back toward the door to leave, but Edward jumped up and put his palm flat against it to stop me. “What, Edward?”

He stood behind me and collected all my hair to one side of my head and leaned over, pressing his lips into the side of my neck before stepping away.

I couldn't breathe.

“What is with this? You can't just kiss and touch people without permission whenever you feel like it,” I said, half taken aback and half hoping he'd push me up against the door and ravage me.

“Ehh, I only do it to you. And only because you want it.”

“You are seriously… the most ridiculous person I've ever met.”

He shrugged and yanked on the doorknob.

“Alright, see you at the baby classes,” he said before slamming the door.

I walked out and stood on the front porch, completely bewildered.

*

“Okay. First we're going to start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Tell us what you do, how far along you are, what your situation is, why you're taking this class, for example. Umm, why don't you start?”

The instructor pointed across the room at some young couple that was clearly stable, unlike the four of us. I could see Rosalie's embarrassment building up as each couple went and explained their dreadfully normal situations. All new parents, all married or engaged, all excited and happy. Rosalie was none of those except a new parent.

“When do we get the babies?” Edward whispered in my ear. We'd been there for like 10 minutes and his ADD was already coming out in full effect. I had no doubts anymore that he had it.

I waited impatiently for it to be Rosalie & Emmett's turned because I knew it would be epic. I stared, amused, as the couple before them finished and Rosalie sighed.

“Umm, hi, I'm Rosalie Hale. I'm 21 and in college. Um… I'm 11 weeks along. This is the father, Emmett. Also 21 and in college. We're not together. At all. The baby is a result of a one night stand. Emmett and his brother Edward over here are adopted, so we decided to either keep it or give it up for adoption. Still not sure. And I'm taking the class because I know nothing whatsoever about babies and I'm afraid that if I keep it, I may hurt it.”

I held my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. Everyone in the class looked at me and Edward kind of shoved me and gave me a look.

“Nice to meet you, Rosalie. Interesting situation. I think you`ll feel much more comfortable when we`re done… and last but not least?”

The lady pointed at me and Edward. Instead of letting me talk, Edward took the mic.

“I'm Edward. I'm the uncle… Emmett's my brother. This is Bella… we're also both 21 & in college and we're not having a baby. Not yet at least.” I snorted. “She's Rose's best friend and they live together and she's lacking in empathy and baby knowledge. That's why we're here.”

The instructor stared at Edward expressionlessly and nodded.

“Um… great. Glad you two are here.”

The first hour of the class was a lecture on labor & delivery. She said we'd go more into detail through the weeks, but for now she was just doing a quick overview. We watched a short birthing video, which was a great experience. I had to keep my eyes shut most of the time, Edward laughed and asked if they served popcorn and made more than one comment about the woman on the video needing to get waxed, and Emmett repeatedly gagged. I also saw Rosalie write down “ask about c-section” in her notes. We got stared at. A lot.

After the video, the woman started distributing the fake babies. Ours was a boy and Rosalie requested a girl. Edward paid zero attention as the woman explained what to do, too occupied with putting his glasses on the baby and trying to make it hold his pen in its hand. I saw massive failure and social services in the near future if Rosalie was to leave her real baby alone with him.

“Whoa, look, it blinks. That's trippy.” Edward was holding the baby straight out in front of him as we walked to the car.

“I have a night class to go to,” Rosalie said, ignoring Edward and handing Emmett the baby. “Can you take it for now? I'll pick it up as soon as I'm done.”

“Uh… sure?” Emmett said, grabbing the baby like it was a football, the head upside down. The thing immediately started crying.

“Emmett! You can't hold it like that.” Rosalie started flipping through the instruction manual to see what to do.

“Just hold it upright and bounce it around a little bit. Haven't you ever seen someone with a baby before?” Edward looked at the three of us like we were the freaks covered in tattoos and crotch piercings.

Emmett did what he said and eventually the crying died down.

“Bella, maybe you should stay with them,” Rosalie suggested as she got into her BMW. Spend more time with Edward? My arm needed no twisting.

“Okay.” He handed me the baby and I hopped into the back of his Volvo with it on my lap. We didn't go over `carseat safety' until next week, so for now we had to just hold the babies in the car. Whatever. I laughed as Emmett struggled to put his seatbelt on and hold the baby so it wouldn't cry. He was screwed. So screwed.

“We should name the baby,” Edward said to me as he drove.

“Sure. What do you want to name it?”

“I can pick?” He asked.

“Yeah, I don't really care.”

“Okay. Edward Jr.”

Emmett laughed.

“Very creative,” I said, shaking my head. “I expected more from you. Like… Spike or something.”

“You said I could pick.”

“I know.”

“So I pick Edward Jr.”

I gave up trying to reason.

When we got to their house, Emmett passed the baby off to Jasper and laid down on the couch. Edward ran around the house looking for the dog, finally finding him asleep under a pile of clothes in the bathroom. The poor little rodent just sat there half asleep as Edward tugged and yanked at it's legs trying to put the stupid zebra hoody on it.

“Let's take Jake for a walk so he doesn't shit in Jasper's shoes again.”

I laughed and agreed, taking the leash from him. I shivered as we walked out the door, and I frowned at Edward.

“Maybe you should put on a jacket. It's windy out.”

“I'm good. I have my hat.”

He pointed at a black beanie on his head, which was going to do absolutely nothing. I was slowly learning it was better to shut up then to try and argue with him, because he was lacking lots of common sense. But he did look hot. That was a plus.

Edward led me to the back of the condo, where there was a walkway along the river. The stupid dog kept stopping every two seconds to sniff at rocks or leaves or other dog poop or something, and I started to get annoyed so I just dragged it behind us.

“You have to be more patient. It's just an animal, it's curious. It's in his nature to be outdoors.” I glared at Edward and handed him the leash, swiping the baby out of his arms.

“Yeah, maybe in Mexico. It's freezing out here. He just wants to poop and go back inside.”

“He's not cold. He's wearing a sweatshirt.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to avoid the passing glances from people staring at me and my blinking robot baby. I could only imagine what people thought. Me walking around with a plastic baby and some dude wearing a t-shirt in November, covered in tattoos and walking a teacup Chihuahua that's wearing a hoody. My life was beyond bizarre.

“Edward, people are looking at this thing. I don't want to be in public with it.”

“First off, that thing's name is Edward Jr. And why do you care what other people think? I'm a grown man walking a two pound Chihuahua and you don't see me getting all embarrassed.”

I was about to come back with a witty insult when all of a sudden the baby started vibrating.

“Holy shit. Edward, what do I do! It's shaking!”

“Huh. That's weird. They get cold?”

“I guess so! It's freaking me out. Take it-” I shoved the baby into his arms and patted it's back because I remembered the lady saying something about that calming it down. Edward's eyes were bugging out of his head as he tried to control Jake, who was growling at a German Shepard, and tried not to drop the pulsating baby.

“This makes sense I guess,” he said shoving the dog leash into my chest. “Control the fucking dog!”

“Wow what happened to take things in stride-”

“Our baby is having a seizure! I guess we shouldn't have brought it out in a t-shirt?”

At this point, I just started hysterically laughing. Edward had opened up the back panel on the baby and was pushing buttons, but the thing was still quivering.

“Edward,” I choked out between my laughs. “We just need to warm it up. Let's just go back.”

“What if it dies before then?”

“Um… we buy it an Edward Jr. headstone?” He shot me an evil look and shook his head. “Okay, that was cruel. But um, it's a robot baby. It won't die.”

“Alright, I have an idea.” He stuck the baby underneath his shirt and popped it's head out of the collar. I stopped walking and stared at him in disbelief. “So it can breathe, you know?”

“It's a fucking ROBOT.”

“No it's not, it's Edward Jr. and he breathes.”

Holy insanity. I was done. We walked back to the condo to discover that Jasper had left the baby on the sofa, while it wailed away. His car wasn't outside. Emmett had tactically thrown a blanket over it and he was asleep on the opposite sofa.

I didn't even bother taking the annoying little squirrel's leash off, I just dropped it and let him run around the house.

“Move over, Emmett.”

Edward Jr's seizure ended, but he started crying at the sound of the other one crying, and Edward just sat there on the couch in a panic trying to shut them both up. I stuck a throw pillow over my head and closed my eyes, because I needed a long nap after that whole ordeal.

I woke up to someone shaking me.

“Bella, get up. Where are the babies?”

I groaned and sat up before shrugging at Rosalie. Emmett was still asleep next to me and Edward wasn't in the room.

“They're probably with Edward. He thinks this whole thing is fun.”

I led her to the back porch, where Edward had classical music blaring from his room upstairs and was painting. The two babies were wrapped up in blankets, Edward Jr. wearing big Edward's beanie, sitting in a patio chair.

“You're the most peculiar person I've ever met,” Rosalie said, shaking her head and laughing as she picked up her baby. She took off the blanket to inspect it and make sure Edward didn't light it on fire or something, and I heard her gasp.

“What?”

“Edward. Did you PIERCE my baby's ears?!”

Edward dropped his paintbrush and chuckled.

“Yeah. They're Emmett's earrings. She's so much cooler now.”

I was dying. This motherfucker was seriously out of his mind. Rosalie pushed me and shoved the baby into my arms.

“They're gonna make us pay for messing it up!”

“It's not that serious. Just look at her. She looks cute.” Edward smirked as I turned the baby towards me.

“She does look cute,” I said.

“Really, I only did it because I couldn't tell the two of them apart. After I did the piercings I figured out another solution.”

“What? Did you ever think to change their clothes?!” Rosalie shouted.

Edward tapped his finger to his chin and hmmmed.

“Yeah I could've. Well, anyway, what I thought of was better. You'll see, Bella. I'm still gonna do it. Can I keep him overnight?”

I waved my arm at him and started toward the stairs.

“Sure, Edward. I don't even want to know. Keep it as long as you want.” It'd been four hours and I was already babied out.

“Aren't you going to say goodnight to Edward Jr.?”

I ignored him.

“Edward Jr?” Rosalie asked, shaking her head. I just shrugged.

I waved goodbye and Rosalie made sure to sneer and growl at Edward one last time to show her displeasure at him tainting her baby as we descended down the stairs.

*

reviewwww.

Chapter 5: Poker & Purple

thanks again for all the reviews. this chapter's not as funny as some of the other ones, but i gotta build up potward & bellass's relationship, ya know?

& if you're on twilighted go over there & hop on the thread for this story. the ladies there are amazing and so fun. truth.

SM owns

“Can I just visit it and then leave it here? You know, like a… supervised visit?”

Rosalie crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at me. “No. Absolutely not. You need this almost as much as Emmett does.”

“You don't know anything about babies either,” I spat at her.

“Alright, just… shut up. Both of you.” Alice knocked on the door once before I shoved by her and pushed it open.

Rosalie's mouth dropped open as she walked inside and took everything in. “What in the hell is going on in here?”

Alice and I broke out in laughter when we saw the scene laid out in front of us. The three guys were sitting around the kitchen table playing poker. Seems normal enough. Except that Emmett- or most likely Edward, had propped pillows up on a chair and sat the babies on top of them. Rosalie's baby had a visor on that said “Your Vegas is showing” and Edward Jr. had on Ray Bans, was shirtless and-

“EDWARD! What the hell did you do?!” I ran over to pick the baby up but Edward jumped out of the chair and grabbed my arms.

“Don't touch him! He's drying.”

I closed my eyes for a second and scratched my head.

“Edward. Why the fuck does our robot baby have tattoos on his arms?!”

There were music notes and some swirly shit and `EJ' in block letters painted on the baby's arms. Rosalie slapped Emmett in the back of the head for allowing it as Edward stood there and laughed it up.

“Chill out. It's just temporary. It comes off with alcohol. Look, the one on his chest says Mom. That one's for you.” Sure enough, one side of the baby's chest, there was a heart with “Mom” written inside of it. Holy stoner.

“That has to be some form of child abuse,” Rosalie said, shaking her head. “We're getting kicked out of that class, for sure.”

“So this is what you're going to do in real life? If you have twins, you're gonna give them tattoos and piercings to tell them apart?” I asked him.

“No. I'd probably give them monogrammed bracelets,” Edward said, frowning.

I looked at Rosalie and shrugged.

“This is going to be your family in six months. Good luck.”

“Bella stop being such a downer. It's just fun.” Edward lit up a joint and tried to pass it to me, but Rosalie slapped at my arm.

“Edward, you can not smoke in front of a baby,” she shouted.

“Yeah, but he can smoke in front of a robot baby,” I said, giggling.

“Bella, it's not funny. At all. Go take a walk or something,” Rosalie said, waving her arm at us. Edward Jr. started coughing.

“Wow. Pretty impressive technology,” Edward said, amazed.

“See?” Rosalie yelled, pointing at the baby.

“Come on,” Edward said, waving his arm at me. I followed him up to his bedroom where he opened one of the huge windows and sat on the sill. I dropped onto his bed and smiled.

“So. How were the first couple of nights with the baby?”

“Great. I'm ready for uncle-hood.”

I shook my head and laughed.

“Can I ask you something?” Edward nodded and raised an eyebrow. “Why'd your mother give you up?”

“She was young. She was only 17 I think. She wouldn't have been able to raise twins-”

“Twins?”

“Yeah. Me and Emmett.”

“You two are twins?” I found it baffling. “How the hell are you so different?”

“Fraternal twins.”

I rolled my eyes. “Obviously, Edward. I mean how'd you turn out to be this tatted up, sensitive art geek and Emmett a steroid junkie with a drinking problem?”

“I don't know,” Edward said, shrugging. “Can I ask you something now?”

“What?”

“Do you want to go out sometime? Like on a real date? I'll pay for a babysitter.”

I laughed and thought about it. Edward was asking me on a date? For some reason it seemed like we were way past formalities, but maybe he was just trying to be normal and do it because he thought that was what I wanted.

To be honest, I felt like I was in too deep for a first date. Our relationship with each other was weird, and awkward, and unorthodox. We kissed and already had a “baby” together, but we'd never even had dinner together before. Plus, we had these weird ties to each other because of our friends and family so we were forced to be around each other, and I still barely knew anything about him. Not his reputation, not who his other friends were, not what he liked to do, besides for the stuff I'd observed, of course.

“You want to go on a date with me?”

“Yeah, sure.” He smiled and blew a breath of smoke out the window.

“You're not gonna take me to a hookah bar or something, right? I feel like that's the kind of place you'd bring a girl. That or like… a rave or something.”

“God forbid we do anything adventurous,” he said, rolling his eyes. “No, Bella. We'll go to dinner or something average and comfortable if that's what you want.”

Once again he was insulting me and calling me boring. I didn't get why he'd want to go anywhere with me if he had some kind of a problem with the way I was. I looked around at his room and tried to figure him out. It all seemed so normal. Too normal for him.

“You know what I think?” I stood up and walked over to the window sill and sat next to Edward. “I think you're not as weird as you try to be. I think it's all an act.”

“Oh yeah?” Edward said, smirking and staring out the window. “Well, I think you're not as generic as you try to be.”

“Stop calling me generic!” I hopped up from my seat and stood in front of Edward. “I'm not boring.”

“Okay,” he muttered sarcastically.

“Show me the piercing.”

He coughed a little and started laughing.

“What?”

“Come on, whip it out, Mr. Eccentricity. I want to see it.” I pointed at his crotch and he looked down into his lap and frowned.

“Not now. You'll see it, don't worry. Maybe after our date.” He chuckled and winked at me.

“Well, I'm not boring.”

“So is that a yes?” He asked, ignoring me.

I stood there for a second and stared at him.

And then I took a deep breath and jumped forward onto his lap and started kissing him. He was a little taken aback at first, but then he started getting into it, and his hands were all over my back and I kept pushing forward harder, because if he could kiss me whenever he wanted to, why the hell couldn't I do it too?

“Bella, you're gonna push me out the window-”

“Shut up.”

I stuck my tongue into his mouth and started spinning it around his so he couldn't talk. And this time he didn't pull away, so I kept kissing him deeper and deeper, and pressing my body up against him, and we were breathing heavy and touching and grabbing and grinding into each other and we were so into it that we didn't even hear it when someone opened the door and walked into the room.

“Bella!” Alice gasped and cleared her throat. I stood up, tried to calm my disheveled hair and smiled.

“Yes?”

“You two are disgusting. And your baby is crying,” she said, sneering at Edward. “Rosalie said you need to take care of it.”

“Edward, go get it,” I told him, straightening out my shirt.

“Uh, no. You're a neglectful parent.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed past Alice before walking down the stairs. Rosalie had taken over Edward's spot at the table and Jasper was frowning at his cards, not even paying any attention to the crying baby. Emmett had his hands over his ears and his cheeks were all red.

“Shut that thing up,” he muttered as I walked into the room. “I can't fucking stand that sound anymore.”

It had been three days. Three days, and he was already tired of hearing the baby cry. He had a couple of long, hard years ahead of him.

I picked up the baby and started patting its back, because that was the only thing I knew how to do. I walked around the kitchen and the living room, bobbing it up and down a little bit and trying to make it shut up as the god damn sweatshirt-clad little squirrel followed me around, biting at my ankles. I wanted to kick it.

Emmett was right about the baby crying. The sound was earsplitting after awhile. Edward and Alice just watched as I got more and more frustrated. After about ten minutes, Edward finally said something.

“Bella, open the back and look at the lights,” he offered, shaking his head. I did what he said and frowned at all the weird buttons and crap inside of it.

“The first two lights are yellow,” I told Edward, spinning it around to show him.

“That means he's hungry. I read the instruction book yesterday when I was in my Art History lecture.”

The fact that this kid knew so much about the baby was starting to piss me off. I was a woman- I was supposed to be natural at stuff like this. It was pathetic.

“Just press the first button,” he continued.

I did what he said and after a couple of seconds the baby stopped crying. “I'm taking it with me tonight,” I said, clenching the baby to my chest.

“Okay.” He shrugged. “I need a break anyway.”

What a mistake that was. I was trying to prove Edward and Rosalie wrong, and show them I wasn't a complete asshole and could take care of a stupid, mechanical baby, so I avoided Edward's phone calls for the next week and tried to bond with my robot child. Slowly I learned why this whole activity was necessary - having a baby was no joke. I fell behind on my homework, my sleep, and I almost threw it out of the second story window of our townhouse on more than one occasion. But, after the second week, I was starting to get the hang of it. Kind of.

*

“Um… why exactly are you here?”

Alice and I stared blankly across the living room at Emmett as he grinned.

“I'm hanging out with Rosalie. We're gonna watch a movie.” He threw his huge legs up on our coffee table and the vase on it wobbled a little bit.

“Yeah, so why are you here?” I asked him again.

“Shut up. I'm making an effort, alright? Stop judging me.” Emmett sighed and focused on the TV, blocking the two of us out.

“Emmett, does Edward hook up with a lot of girls?”

“What?” Emmett looked at me, confused.

“Bella, what are you doing?” Alice asked me.

“I want to know.” I looked at Emmett. “Does he?”

“I don't know? Why don't you ask him?”

“Because he's weird. I never know if he's joking or not when he talks to me. And he's so hot and Alice heard about his freaky piercing, and how else would she have unless some girl or girls saw it and blabbed-”

“Bella, are you jealous? You're crushing on Edward. Hah!” Emmett laughed and I felt my face turn all red.

“Shut up. I'm not jealous. Or crushing.”

I was so jealous. And so crushing.

“Stop talking about Edward. My morning sickness comes at night too, and he tends to trigger it.” Rosalie walked into the room fresh out of the shower, wearing a sports bra and sweatpants. She frowned when she saw Emmett was already there and chugged some antacid straight out of the bottle.

“What are you doing?” Alice asked her, staring at her Pepto-Bismol cocktail.

“I have heartburn. Bella, am I getting fat?”

I looked her up and down as she spun around before Alice answered for me. “No. You look the same.”

“I asked Bella, not you,” she said, waiting for a response out of me.

Rosalie knew I'd be honest.

I sighed. “You're kind of getting a gut. But it just looks like you drank a lot of beer or had a Baconator for lunch or… maybe both. Nothing major.”

She still looked like a friggen supermodel, but she needed to get used to the fact that her body was not gonna look like that for long.

Apparently my answer pissed Madame Vain off, because she stomped into her bedroom and returned wearing a loose sweatshirt. She sat down next to Emmett and put the fake baby on her lap before she turned on the movie without saying anything else to me or Alice. I'd managed to keep control of Edward Jr. for three weeks without letting Edward Sr. have him back, but I'd left it with Alice a couple of days earlier when I was at class and that fucker stealthily came in and stole him. The quiet seemed eerie.

About halfway through the movie, I started dozing off so I went upstairs to bed. I woke up to my phone ringing at around two in the morning. I picked it up, disoriented, and rubbed my eyes.

“Hello?”

“I know it's late, but I need your help.”

I sighed and sat up. “Hey Edward, I'm good, thanks for asking, what about you?”

“Edward Jr. is sick and I need you to take care of him. Now,” he said, ignoring me.

“It's almost two in the morning.”

“I know. I'm coming over.”

I groaned and threw my phone on the floor. I'd have no problem with Edward showing up alone in the middle of the night, but with the damn crying baby… that probably meant no chance at nooky. Crap.

I dragged myself out of bed and fixed myself up and turned on the lights before I ran downstairs to wait for Edward. Emmett and Rosalie had fallen asleep on the sofa, Rosalie's head on his shoulder. I got the feeling that she liked him, but pretended she didn't because she knew Alice & me would make fun of her until she was on her deathbed. And speaking of Alice, she had fallen asleep in her pajamas on the other couch, wearing a “Texas” hoody that was way too big for her. Wonder whose that was? Those two were getting an earful from me the next time they criticized my closeness with Edward.

A little while later, Edward came waltzing in with the whining robot and his laptop and a textbook. We went up to my room, where Edward handed me the baby and sat down at my desk, exasperated.

“You bailed on our date,” Edward said, squinting at me.

“No I didn't. You never gave me specifics.”

“I called you like ten times in the past couple of weeks. I still have dignity, you know?”

I giggled. “I thought… you were trying to take the baby back. That's why I didn't answer.”

Edward nodded and looked down at his feet. “Nope. Didn't want the baby back. I just… wanted to see you.”

His cheeks turned a little red and he spun back around to my desk so that his back was to me. It was the most adorable fucking thing I'd ever seen.

“Can I see your tattoos?” I asked him, trying to break the tension.

“Uh… sure?” He stood up and grabbed the hem of his wrinkly gray t-shirt and started to lift it, before he suddenly stopped. “Feel free to take your shirt off too.”

I would've done it, except that I knew it would've led to humping and I felt kind of weird with my sick, blinking baby sitting there watching. No kid wants to see their parents getting it on.

Suddenly, Edward was standing there in my room half naked. He tossed his shirt on the bed next to me and signaled me to come closer with his finger. I was too hypnotized by his mind-blowing body to move. It was ridiculous. Somehow I awoke from my stupor and took a few steps toward him, my eyes wide.

“This one's my Dad's family crest.” He pointed at his left arm but I was busy staring at his abs. Day-um. “The music notes because I play the piano… uh, the guitar because I play guitar… that`s my mother`s maiden name… the star doesn't really mean anything, I just thought it looked cool.” He pointed at his other arm. “More music notes… um, the Cullen one is obvious… oh, this one is St. Edward… and look, this one doesn't have any significance either except that it looks cool and it goes around to my shoulder, see?” He spun around and showed me his back.

And then I drooled.

“That one is huge,” I said, pointing at the tattoo on his lower back. It was “1987” written in huge block numbers.

“Yeah, that one kind of hurt.”

All of a sudden the baby started crying, so I sat down on the bed as Edward put his shirt back on.

“So when you say this thing is sick, what exactly do you mean?” I asked, trying to compose myself. I wanted to sexually violate Edward. Badly.

Edward glared at me and frowned. “Address him by his name.”

“When you say Edward Jr. is sick, what do you mean?” I corrected, shaking my head.

“The lights on the back are orange. He basically just cries every ten minutes. And then the dog kept getting all riled up, and Jasper threw an ashtray at my head because he couldn`t sleep, and I have a term paper due tomorrow afternoon and I'm fucking aggravated.”

“Why didn't you do your paper before today? I just had this thing- I mean, Edward Jr. for three weeks,” I said.

“Because, I like to do things spur of the moment. It's more organic that way. Why haven't you painted your room?”

It was the first time he'd been in my room, so his eyes were shooting around, inspecting everything.

“Uh… what?”

“The walls are white. I'll do it for you if you want.”

“Yeah, why don't you concentrate on your term paper-”

“What color do you want?”

I looked around and thought about it. “I don't know.” I shrugged. “Maybe like… tan?”

“Tan? No. I think purple.”

I climbed under my blankets and sighed. “I'm going to sleep, Edward.”

I tried sleeping, but he was right- the baby woke up like twice an hour, crying. By seven I was so pissed off, I just got out of bed and took a shower. Edward was still there, still leaning over the desk doing his paper, still looking drop dead sexy with his nerd glasses and his tattoo sticking out of the back of his shirt.

“I have to go to class,” I told him before it was time for me to leave. “Stay here as long as you want. Don't go through my stuff… especially not my top left drawer.”

“Yeah, yeah, see you later,” Edward said, not looking up from his laptop and just waving goodbye.

Needless to say, I returned home that afternoon to a bright purple room and a note taped to my door that said, “From Edward & Edward Jr.”

*

reviews are fabo. xx

Chapter 6: Missing Babies & Fornication

THANK YOU for all the reviews and amazingness. oh, & LEMON WARNING in this chapter. and by lemon, i mean some sex and bella's extremely graphic internal monologue. i'm dedicating this to all the ladies on twilighted, may your horniness be fufilled. and sorry for bitching out on the EPOV.

“Edward, thanks for coming with me,” Rosalie said, looking down at her stomach and frowning at him. “Really. I know I always yell at you and stuff, but I guess you're not that bad. You're just really, really weird. Like, right now for instance. What are you doing?”

“Huh?” He wasn't paying any attention to her.

We'd managed to steal Jasper's big, old Sony headphones, because Edward said something about babies listening to music, and he was trying to get them to stretch around her stomach. I watched as he switched on his iPod and sat down next to her.

“Alright, what were you saying?”

Edward looked over at Rosalie and she scratched her head before sighing. “The baby class. Thank you for coming.”

“No prob,” he answered.

I laughed from my spot on the other couch, because those two talking and getting along just went against nature.

The only reason Edward went the stupid classes was because he felt sorry for her. And because she was crying so hard in his condo she was making the dog shake. That stupid dog was his new best friend.

We had a little incident at the last baby class. Turns out, the instructor had a little problem with us decorating Edward Jr. During the “bathing” lesson she yelled at the four of us in front of all the other couples, and when we left Emmett and I told Rosalie we were never going back because if we did, we'd unquestionably die of embarrassment.

Of course, Edward had no humility, so he didn't care. I honestly think he enjoyed the stupid classes. He said they were “exhilarating.” I refused and told him that things like white water rafting or visiting the Grand Canyon were exhilarating, not learning how to clean a crap filled diaper. It was a subject we constantly disagreed on.

Apparently, the week before they'd told us not to bring the babies to this week's class, and it ended up being some kind of a labor breathing class, hence, Rosalie was in hysterics that Emmett wasn't there. We needed to have a serious talk with that douchebag about what he was doing.

“Why are there headphones on my stomach?”

“Because,” Edward told her. “The baby can hear. And I want my niece or nephew or whatever to have good music taste when it comes out.” He poked at her stomach as he talked. “It's really hard.”

She frowned at me and closed her eyes. “Can you wake me up in an hour? I have to go have dinner with Emmett and rip him a new asshole.”

“Uh… sure,” I said, standing up from the sofa. Edward followed me into the kitchen.

“Do you want to go out to eat? My treat,” he said, as he scrawled in answers from that morning's crossword puzzle I'd left on the counter.

“Yeah, where do you want to go?”

“Uh, well I have six dollars so we can go to the diner and get water and split a cup of coleslaw.”

I stared at him blankly.

“Get out.”

“I'm joking,” he said, walking toward to door.

“Can you two shut the fuck up?” Rosalie screamed from the living room.

“Alright, let's just get out of here. She's grouchy when she wakes up,” I said, following Edward out the door.

“I heard that, bitch.”

Rosalie and her pregnant irritability were getting real old.

On the drive, Edward and I decided on coffee instead of dinner. Well, I decided on coffee and his hippie ass decided on macrobiotic Mu tea. I didn't ask. Interestingly enough, Edward spilled to me that Emmett was going to snake Rosalie into having dinner with him and his parents later that week. Because for some unbeknownst reason, Emmett had yet to tell them he'd knocked some girl up and she was ready to pop in four months. Yep, she was five months pregnant and he had yet to spill the beans. I begged Edward to let me join because that shit was going to be epic. He refused, not finding the obvious humor in all of it. I think his exact words were that I was “despicable” for laughing.

The two of us were there, just chillen at the coffee place, me making fun of Edward's hair and glasses, when all of a sudden my phone started ringing. Rosalie. I'd forgotten to wake her up. Whoops. I picked it up expecting to get reemed at, but was instantly relieved when it was only Jasper on the other end.

“Hey, Bella. Uh, are you with Edward?”

“Yes.”

“Um, good. We're having a sort of crisis over here. Rosalie says she wants… Rosalie, what's it called?” I heard her snap something on the other end. “Hummus. I told her I don't know what the fuck hummus is or where to find it and she said ask Edward.”

I frowned and sighed. “Hummus. Got it. What's the crisis?”

There was audible shouting in the background. Emmett and Rosalie were going back and forth. I made out the phrases, “incompetent fuck,” “psychotic harpy,” and “full custody.”

Poor Jasper.

“You'll see when you get here-” Rosalie cut him off by saying something again. “She said Rum Raisin ice cream, too.”

“Rum Raisin. Disgusting, but I got it.”

“Thanks. And hurry up and get here. I just wanted to come home, chill out. Maybe school Emmett in Guitar Hero, take a nap. And your friend's over here going all Exorcist on me. I don't get it.” Rosalie started cursing at him in the background.

“I'm hanging up, Jasper. Stand strong.”

I threw my phone back in my purse before I got anymore odd food requests. Apparently I was a fucking delivery boy or something.

Sure enough, Edward knew exactly where we could find hummus. Not surprising. We hesitantly made our way to the condo, where the riotous yelling could be heard from outside.

“You need to calm your friend down,” Edward told me. “The dog's probably peeing on himself or having an aneurism. And we can't get another noise complaint this month or we're in trouble.”

The other two noise complaints they'd racked up were also a result of Rosalie's mouth.

As soon as we walked in the door, a remote flew by my head and pelted Emmett in the back.

“Rosalie! I swear to god if you weren't pregnant, I'd bitch slap you across the room right now.”

“Yeah, well if I wasn't pregnant I'd twist your sac off and throw it at you! Actually, I might do that anyway!”

Edward and I stood stationary in the foyer, scared for our lives. Jasper was sitting on the sofa in the living room, his eyes wide. He ducked every time Rosalie flung something at Emmett. Which after the remote had been a shoe, a beer bottle, and a picture frame.

“Um,” Edward interrupted the pitching practice. “I got your hummus.”

He lifted the bag cautiously and Rosalie sneered.

“Edward, unless the mechanical baby is in that bag, I don't want it!”

Emmett had lost the baby. Good shit.

Edward shrugged and stuck his hand out further. “There's ice cream in here, too.”

Rosalie squinted, dropped the textbook in her hand which was her next weapon of choice, and snatched the bag out of Edward's hand before she continued her yelling. Edward mouthed “sorry” to Jasper and the two of us booked it up the stairs to his room.

Edward shut the door behind me and took his glasses off. He threw them on his desk and sat on his bed, motioning for me to sit next to him. He looked so fucking sexy. His hair was all sloppily delicious and he was leaning back on his elbows, making his t-shirt ride up in the front so I could see his boxers and uhhhh. His biceps were all flexed, and the freaking tattoos, and dammit, that smooth operating motherfucker was giving me that come hither and fuck me smirk because he noticed me staring.

Keep your cool, Bella.

“So,” I forced out, my voice cracking because all my horniness was so overpowering that it was overflowing into my throat. “What do you think your parents are gonna do?”

Edward opened his mouth to answer me, but it was useless because my tongue was already all up in there before he had a chance to say anything. I wanted that artsy bastard, and I wanted him now. I knew that shit would probably be amazing, too. He seemed like the kind of guy who sat at Barnes & Noble in the erotic sex section and read the Kama Sutra books.

Was it slutty of me to want to hump the shit out of this guy who I'd only kissed… twice? Yes. Probably. I didn't give a half a fuck. Edward was unconventional, anyway. He probably wouldn't have thought less of me if I was to claw his clothes to shreds right there and hop on his pierced pole without warning.

I forced myself to keep it kind of classy, and instead I just left it in his hands. And by left it in his hands, I mean I allowed him to take my shirt off and I grinded on him as hard as humanly possible. He got the hint.

Edward was a good kisser. Such a good kisser in fact, that it momentarily distracted me from my short term goal of getting him to impale me. His lips were so soft and warm and he did this crazy thing with his tongue and god dammit, he moved to my neck and my shoulder and I think Rosalie just threw something heavy at Emmett and then on my chest and his fingers hooked around the cup of my bra and he pulled it down and stuck his tongue in it and I felt it around my nipple and holy shit.

I couldn't take anymore. I reached around to his back and yanked his shirt over his head and then I pushed his shoulders back so he was flat on the bed and I scooted back so that I could get to his fly. He just laid there, kind of in shock and watched me throw down with the button.

“Uh, Bella-”

“Shut up. Take them off. I want to see it, now.”

He frowned at me. “See what?”

“The piercing!”

He threw his head back and laughed. “Ohhh-kay. If you insist.”

Edward popped open the button, undid his fly, and got up on his elbows to watch me. And then I was kind of scared. Because what if it was all green and oozing or something raunchy like that and then all my Edward dreams and vibrator fantasies were bust? I don't know if I could deal with that.

No. Edward wasn't oozy. He was weird, but he was clean. He smelled like shampoo and trees. Not those kind of trees, just the regular ones, like in the park.

I sucked it up and went in for the kill. I wrapped my fingers around the waistband of his boxers, clenched one of my eyes shut and pulled and…

Huh.

It was definitely… different. But not as bad as I'd expected at all. Edward's glorious dick on the other hand… that was different story.

“Can I touch it?” I asked him, because I was kind of new at that and I didn't know if it was proper piercing courtesy to just poke and prod all up in someone's business without asking first.

“Only with your tongue,” he answered, winking. Oh don't worry, Edward. I'll be touching it with much more then my tongue soon. I'll be touching it with my labia. God, I was dirty.

So, I grabbed his shaft and started working it as I inspected the little silver bar.

“Why'd you get this?”

“Uh, why not?” He looked at me like I was some kind of an asshat.

“It looks painful.”

“Yeah, well it's not, it feels good. Just wait until it's inside of you. Then you won't be asking stupid questions.”

Hot damn. Edward's dirty talking was making me all slippery.

I decided on giving him a little warm up first, so I moved my head into his lap and just as I was about to go down I realized I had no clue what the fuck I was supposed to do with that thing. Do I lick it? Suck it? Flick it? Bite on it? What the hell?

“What do I do?”

Edward shrugged. “I don't know. You're the first one to touch it.”

“Really?”

He laughed. “No. Don't yank on it or anything but… do whatever you want to.”

Interesting. So I went down and started giving Edward some of B Swan's famous spit-polishing. He loved it. I'd never been so turned on before in my life doing work for some else. Seriously. I watched him the whole time, and his cheeks got all cute and flushed, and his eyes kept rolling back in his head and he kept moaning and sighing and his mouth was hanging open a little bit. It was fucking magnificent. Every time I came up, I flicked the little bar with my tongue and Edward's stomach muscles clenched and I honestly don't think I'd ever wanted someone to penetrate me so badly in my entire sexual existence.

The good thing about Edward- well, one of the many, many good things- was that he was skilled at reading my emotions. Before I could finish, he reached down and pulled me up by my waist so I was on top of him. And then he flipped me over and ripped off my pants, and then my underwear, and then he positioned himself between my legs and placed his palm flat against me, putting pressure in all the right places and making me squirm.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked me, no trace of sarcasm or wit or repartee in his voice.

“Yes. Now, please.”

He stuck out his bottom lip and shrugged before pushing his hips forward a little bit, and just as he was about to go in he suddenly stopped.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Um… are you on the pill? Because no offense, but I don't want to be them,” Edward said, pointing at the door where Emmett and Rosalie could still be heard hollering.

“Edward. You could knock me up with octuplets and we would still not ever be as dysfunctional as they are.”

It was a weird statement, considering who I was talking to. The oddest person I'd ever encountered. But, still, I couldn't ever see us not getting along and screaming at each other the way the two of them did. I didn't think I'd ever even heard Edward scream. He flashed me the panty dropping half smile and kissed my forehead, because I'm pretty sure he got what I meant. We were polar opposites, and we didn't understand each other, but somehow we got each other.

“Um, and yeah. I'm on the pill.”

He smiled at me again and took a deep breath before pushing forward and making my toes curl. And he was right about the piercing. I felt it, alright. It was oddly stimulating.

“Want to see something?” He raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded. And then he lifted himself up at a weird angle and pushed forward and that little silver bar hit some part of my insides that I know for a fact had never been touched. I gasped and he put his hand over my mouth as I squealed in ecstasy.

“Holy shit!”

“I told you,” he said, laughing.

Edward continued on with his bad self, making us both feel fucking amazing. At least I did. I didn't want to know how he got so good, but I was somehow appreciative. I traced his tattoos with my fingers, and kissed them as he pushed into me over and over, and I slid my tongue around in his mouth and down his neck because even Edward's skin tasted good. As he went faster and faster, my fingers latched onto his chaotic hair, and I felt his body start to tense and my back arched and I pulled his hair harder and he bit my shoulder and then I saw white and Edward's o-face when I opened my eyes and good god. I now know what heaven is like.

For a minute Edward just collapsed on top of me and caught his breath and I raked my fingers through his hair over and over because I'd never touched it like that before and he suddenly rolled over and put his arms behind his head and rested on his hands.

“I've been wanting to do that for three months now,” he said, chuckling.

“You should've tried harder. I totally would've done it.”

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door and Edward sighed.

“What?” He screamed.

“Bella? Can you stop fucking Edward and come downstairs, please. We need your help.”

Fucking Alice.

“No,” I said, because my whole pathetic life revolved around Rosalie and I just wanted that moment to myself. “I'll be down later. I went and got her dinner, I did my part.”

“Wait, Alice!” Edward shouted through the room. “Can you check on the dog and make sure he's still breathing? Or that Rose didn't use him as a projectile?”

Alice responded by kicking the door and yelling "go fuck yourself".

I rolled onto my side so that I was staring at Edward. Edward I-always-have-my-bong-handy Cullen was my new obsession. Well maybe not new. I was just sort of in denial about it before. Fuck my life.

“Let's talk,” I suggested, because besides for our typical banter and discussions about our retarded ass friends and family, we never just talked about each other.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“What does this mean for us? Like what the hell do we do now?”

Edward twisted a piece of my hair between his fingertips and shrugged. “I don't know. What do you want to do?”

“I… don't know. Do you like me?”

Flashback to second grade.

“Yeah, of course I like you. Are you blind?”

“Uh… no,” I said. “Your mind works differently than most other people's do. You may think that you were making it obvious, but really… you didn't.”

“So, what? You want to date me? Or maybe get knocked up with my baby? We can be Emmett and Rosalie 2.0.”

I slapped him in the head for that comment.

“Well, maybe we can go on our date that we never went on. And see how it goes from there. What do you think?” I started tracing the outlines of his tattoos again and he laughed.

“Or you can just date me now and save us both time,” he suggested. Not gonna lie, it was pretty ballsy on his part.

I tried to think about it logically, but my mind was still in a sexified Edward induced haze, so I agreed.

“Okay. Me and You. But I still want the proper date.”

“Alright, deal.”

What I was getting myself into, I had no idea.

*

reviews are as hot as weedward's crotch piercing :*

Chapter 7: Family Dinners & Baby Pictures

thanks to all the people who reviewed! and the new people who just joined this crazy trip. and to the people who think this is funny and get my completely twisted sense of humor. enjoy...

Holy hot piece of ass.

I stood in shock at Edward's doorway for a minute before I lost control of my body and lunged toward him, grabbing at the fly of his jeans. He laughed and swatted my hands away before he palmed my forehead and took a step back.

“Step off my peen, Betty. Haven't you ever seen a guy in a tie before?”

I regained my composure and eye-fucked Edward up and down for a second time, taking all his tattooed, tie wearing glory in. It was beyond my expectations of what I thought he'd be donning. A short sleeved white button up showing his panty dropping body art, some of his typical ratty jeans and sneakers, and a glorious black tie that hung loosely around his neck. Fuck. Me. Now.

“You look delicious,” I managed to mutter, still kind of dazed out.

He twirled his glasses around in his hand and laughed again. “You look pretty boneable yourself.”

I looked down at my outfit and shrugged. Rosalie insisted on dressing me, claiming she had enough to be embarrassed about without my usual attire adding to it. So there I stood, in an off the shoulder black dress, sheer black stockings, which Rose said “winterized” the outfit, and some of her designer ankle boots that her feet were too swollen to fit into anymore. Ha.

“I wanted to look good for your madre y padre.”

“You could've shown up in a kilt or a loin cloth and I don't think it would've made a difference. No offense, but the spotlight probably won't be on you tonight.”

No, it wouldn't. The spotlight would be on the father-to-be and his baby mama, Rosalie, who was bravely showing up to this planned mobbing looking very pregnant. Once she hit the five month mark, she popped, and there was no denying it now. No good was going to come of this, and as the time came nearer and nearer, I kind of wanted to punch myself in the mouth for suggesting that I'd come along to dinner. At first it seemed funny, and now it just seemed really, really sad. Or Bad. Or Embarrassing. Or all of the above.

I forced a sigh at Edward and raised my eyebrows. “Well, let's get moving. We have a dysfunctional family banquet to get to.”

He gave me the infamous half smile number and pressed his mouth against mine before we went downstairs.

I was kind of excited to meet Edward's parents. They were like some… enigma to me. Well, actually, I was more curious than excited to see what kind of people raised these two pieces of work that were part of my new crowd. Because, seriously… they were both pretty different from each other. And pretty far from ordinary on their own. Plus, I planned to keep Edward around for awhile, so meeting the parents was always a good step toward that.

Speaking of our unconventional relationship, I had yet to tell the two hyenas I call my friends my little news about dating Edward. I thought tonight would be a good ice breaker, since Rosalie couldn't directly insult someone's son right in front of them, and then she'd do me the unfortunate task of having to tell Alice. I could only imagine her reaction. “Bella, you're gonna get some kind of fungus from his piercing,” or “Bella, he smells like that place on the boardwalk that sells incense,” or maybe “Bella, he's gonna paint a naked picture of you and put it in a gallery. What if you dad sees it?” But, Rosalie taking the heat for me against her knowledge would save me from all of that. It was all going to work out smoothly.

And anyway, it had only been two days. I was partly convinced Edward had completely forgotten the whole thing. I figured he was probably stoned when we banged out, but he was always stoned so… whatever. It was his idea. Nothing had really changed between us except for the fact that he'd fucked me speechless for the past two days.

As we walked downstairs, Jasper held up Edward Jr., who had already started crying, and gave us the finger. Apparently our fake baby had colic or something, because the thing never shut the fuck up. Jasper knew it, too. He watched Rosalie & Emmett's baby - who had eventually been found at the gym, lying next to one of the weight machines - for free and he charged us $18 an hour. Highway robbery, but we didn't have a choice. Bringing robobaby to dinner would've just added to the mayhem.

It was all icy and snowing and disgusting when we walked outside. We drove to pick up Rosalie in Emmett's Jeep after a ten minute argument between him and Edward on the positives and negatives of the Volvo and the Jeep in inclement weather. I was ready to purposely slip on a patch of ice and knock myself unconscious. When we got to the townhouse, I jumped out of the car to get my gloves from my room and I almost fell on my face. Everything was ice. Edward and Emmett watched me slip and slide up the driveway, until I made it to the calamity I like to call our front steps. Edward finally acted like a boyfriend and not a dipshit and helped me up the stairs, where Rosalie was waiting, her hands on her hips.

“I'm not going,” she spat at Edward, squinting at his outfit. “You actually don't look like a hippie or a hobo or my personal favorite- when you mix the two together. Hipbo.”

He ignored her and pushed the door open with a sigh. “Why aren't you going?”

“I can't get down those stairs. I'll fall and kill my baby. I don`t want to risk it.”

I rolled my eyes at her unnecessary dramatics and ran inside for my gloves. When I came back out she was still standing at the top of the stairs, and Edward was leaning inside of Emmett's window, telling him something. Edward ran back up to me and helped me down the stairs as Emmett walked up to Rosalie.

“Just wait here,” he said, helping me into the car like I was an incompetent toddler or something. He shut the door and ran back to the stairs, where the two of them carefully stood on either side of Rosalie and moved her puffy ass to the car. I guess they could act like actual responsible adults if need be.

So, when I first started hanging out with Edward I had this idea that the dude either grew up in a really unconventional home with like, botonist parents or on an organic farm or something, or that he was really rich and his parents allowed him to do what he wanted. Because those were the only two types of hipsters that I'd ever run into. Turns out, I was right, and he was the latter. I realized it when we pulled up to fucking Buckingham Palace squared.

Honestly, the house was out of this world. I looked over at Edward, mouth agape and he frowned at me.

“What?”

“This is your house? Why in holy testicles do you two live in that shiteous condo when your parents have so much money?”

Edward sneered at me. “I happen to like where I live. And we don't believe in unnecessary excess.”

“Do you believe in maids? Because maybe your parents, the Trumps, can hire one for you,” I quipped, still shaking my head in disbelief at the house we'd just pulled up to. If you could even call it a house. It was like an estate or a fucking compound or something.

Emmett pulled right up to the front steps, running around to the other side to help brooding Rosalie out. She hadn't said a word the entire time we were in the car. No Emmett death threats. No blatant insults about Edward's sexuality. No calling me five different names for a prostitute when I made a joke about how she should tell Emmett the baby wasn't his. Nothing.

Edward pushed open the colossal front door and I walked into a lavish foyer, complete with marble and columns and a fucking chandelier. We waited for Emmett and Rosalie before heading toward a completely uncalled for dining room table that sat like 40 people. Who really ever had that many people over for dinner? At the end of the table, who I'm assuming was Edward's super hot dad stood up and started walking toward us.

“Edward!” His father embraced him in a hug and put his hands on Edward's shoulders and shook him a little bit. He looked at his arm and raised an eyebrow. “Another tattoo? Really?”

“It's self expression, dad. Let me be.” Edward pointed at me and cleared his throat. “This is Bella… my girlfriend.”

So he hadn't forgotten. Huh.

His father's eyes popped out of his head at the word and I heard a little huff come from Rosalie, who was standing behind me.

“Nice to meet you, Bella. I'm Carlisle.” I shook his hand and stepped to the side so he could meet Rosalie. And that was when the real fun began.

Carlisle's eyes went to Rosalie's face. He was probably like, “ohhhh she's pretty,” and then BOOM a fucking grenade goes off when he spotted her stomach. The poor sucker had no idea what hit him. He gulped when he saw it, and instantly his eyes went to Emmett. And then to Rosalie. And then to Edward. And then back to Rosalie's stomach.

“Hi Mr. Cullen. I'm Rosalie Hale. I'm a friend of Emmett's. It's nice to meet you finally. Emmett talks about you and Mrs. Cullen all the time.”

The future grandpa was still a little shell-shocked, but Rosalie's manners were impeccable because her parents were dicks like that and forced her to go to finishing classes and eat with different size forks and whatever the fuck else rich people did. So nothing was said about it. At all. And as soon as Esme, Edward's babe of a mom- seriously, I didn't know who was hotter, Edward, his dad, or his mom- joined us, we all sat down and started suffering through dinner. She was really, really nice, and she commented on my boots, which pissed off Rosalie and made me laugh. So, I sat between her and Edward, Emmett and Rosalie sat across from us, and Carlisle sat at the end of the table.

About… I don't know, maybe ten seconds in, I'm sitting there all ohm nom nom, just eating and enjoying the atmosphere, when Edward decided to break the silence.

“So… you may have noticed Rosalie's pregnant.”

“Edward!” Rosalie exclaimed, her face turning instantly red. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed, because… oh, Edward and his verbal diarrhea.

“Yes… um, congratulations Rosalie,” Esme stuttered, smiling awkwardly.

“Yeah, it's Emmett's,” Edward continued, getting a spoon flung at his face complements of Emmett.

Everything was silent. Deadly silent. So silent you could hear the sweat beads forming on Rosalie's forehead.

“Emmett… is this true?” Carlisle asked calmly, throwing daggers at Emmett with his eyes.

Emmett sat there not saying anything, just looking down at his plate. Finally he snapped his head up, sneered at Edward, and nodded at Carlisle.

“Yes, it's true! It was an accident! But… Edward has his dick pierced, so if we're getting into specifics-”

“Emmett, how could you- wait, what?” Esme looked at Edward, flabbergasted, and shook her head. “We'll discuss that later. Rosalie, how many months are you?”

“Um… five,” Rosalie answered timidly.

“Five? Emmett, five months you wait to tell us something like this? Why?!” She was kind of talking, but kind of screaming, and without Emmett saying anything Esme realized she answered her own question. She smoothed the napkin on her lap and took a deep breath. “I'm sorry. Why haven't you told us?”

“To be fair, I didn't know until three months ago,” Emmett answered, shrugging.

“Emmett, this isn't a joke,” Carlisle said, closing his eyes and putting his hand on his forehead. The typical pissed off dad look. “What do you plan on doing? Are the two of you even together?”

“No, we aren't right now… but that may change. I'm not totally against it, we just… don't know each other well. And I'm keeping the baby. When I first found out I was pregnant, I told Emmett and Edward suggested we either keep the baby or give it up for adoption, since the two of them were adopted-”

“We're not adopted,” Edward said with a straight face, getting an eye roll from Carlisle. “Okay, I guess no one's in a joking mood.”

“Anyway, I agreed. But since then I've decided I want to keep it. We're still figuring out the specifics,” Rosalie said, her voice trailing off. By specifics she meant money that her parents were not giving her.

“Rosalie, what do you parents have to say about all this? If you don't mind me asking?” Esme looked at her curiously and waited.

“Um, well,” Rosalie sighed and smoothed a piece of her hair behind her ear. “My parents are choosing not to support me through this. That's their decision though, and I'm an adult, and this is what I want so, their opinion really doesn't matter to me.”

Esme gave Carlisle a look and he scooted his chair a little bit closer to Rosalie. “What do you mean by not supporting you?”

“They said if I choose to keep the baby they won't pay for my school, or my housing, or give me any spending money, and they won't be emotionally supportive of the baby. It's not surprising to me that they'd react that way, so really… I don't need them.”

Carlisle nodded and cleared his throat. He picked his fork up and looked down at his plate. “After dinner, we'll discuss this further in my office.”

“Okay,” Emmett muttered, shaking his head at Edward. I was scared for everyone sitting at the table but myself. Carlisle and Esme because they just got the shock of their lives. Emmett and Rosalie because they were about to get reamed at by Carlisle. And Edward because I'm pretty sure Emmett was going to smack him down as soon as they got home.

I heard clanging silverware next to me and I looked over at Edward, who had cleared his plate and pushed it to the middle of the table. I'd only taken about two bites of my food with everything that had just happened. I guess someone had a serious case of the munchies.

“I'm done,” he said, leaning back in his chair and patting his stomach. “Can I be excused?”

“No. You can wait until everyone's finished, sweetie,” Esme said to him, reaching over me to rub his cheek. It was bizarre. Edward just didn't look like a “sweetie” to me.

We went through the rest of the dinner in silence. As soon as we were done, Carlisle, Emmett, and Rosalie retreated into Carlisle's office somewhere, and I helped Esme clear the table and do the dishes. Edward went off somewhere to do who the hell knows what, so Esme started showing me around their friggen… manor. We got to an informal den, where she pointed at a bunch of black and white portraits on the wall.

“I used to take photography classes for fun… I'd take pictures of them constantly. Look, they're so funny. They've been the same since they were little.”

I started giggling at a picture of Edward maybe… 3 years old, his hair thick and crazy like it was now, and his hands and his face and his clothes covered in paint. It was adorable. There were pictures of Emmett in every type of sports uniform since he was maybe five. My favorite was a picture of them on their first day of kindergarten; Emmett was a whole head taller than Edward and Edward had his little nerd glasses on and his hair all over the place and a ninja turtle lunchbox and the same sneakers he was wearing today. It was so adorable.

“It's strange that they're twins and they're so different,” I noted as I walked around and looked at all the pictures.

“Well, I encouraged their individuality since they were very young. All of the things that they enjoyed now, they've enjoyed since they were younger. Edward was always an artist, Emmett an athlete. Emmett was always very loud, and boisterous and Edward was always calm and reserved. Until you got to know him, of course. Then he just spouted out whatever came to mind. That hasn't changed. I think we may have encouraged Edward's individuality a little bit too much.”

I laughed and shook my head. “No. I love the way he is. He's so different… it's nice. Refreshing.”

“Is it really true? The piercing?”

My mouth dropped open and I cringed a little bit. I didn't want to tell my boyfriend mother's anything sexual about her son. Oh yeah, the bad news is he has the freaky piercing. But the good news is, it feels really, really good for both of us. No, that wouldn't go well.

“I… don't know?” I answered. I thought it was the safest response.

“He's crazy,” Esme answered, shaking her head. “I'm glad he has someone like you. Maybe you'll calm his… eccentric tendencies a bit.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe he'll just turn me weird. I guess we'll see…”

Suddenly Edward walked into the room and leaned against the doorframe.

“Talking about me?”

“Yep,” I said, smirking. “Edward, you were so adorable. These pictures… they're so cute.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, waving his arm at me exasperatedly. “Emmett and Rose are done talking to my dad. You ready to go?”

I nodded and he walked over and kissed Esme on the cheek. “Bye, Mom.”

“Bye, sweetie. Come here,” she said, getting onto her tiptoes and hugging him tightly.

“Okay, Mom… you're… choking me.”

Esme released her grasp and kissed him again. “I'm sorry. I love you. I'll see you soon, okay?”

“Yep. I love you, too.”

Edward rolled his eyes when he turned away from her. I said goodbye to Esme, and Edward draped his arm over my shoulder as we walked to the foyer.

“So, what'd you think?”

“You're rich, you faux struggling artist. And a Momma's boy.” I laughed and pinched his cheek teasingly.

“They're rich. Their money isn't mine.”

“Okay, whatever.”

We said goodbye to Carlisle and walked outside. Rosalie and Emmett were already waiting in the car. Edward and I got into the backseat and Rosalie's head spun around to me, Inspector Gadget style.

“So you two are dating? Congratulations. Nice of you to tell your best friends and your brother.”

“I don't have a brother,” I joked. Rosalie squinted her eyes at me and growled a little.

“Why would you lie? How long has this been going on?”

“Two days!” I sighed and stared out the window. “The only reason I didn't tell you was because I wasn't even sure that we were.”

“What?” Edward looked at me. “Did you think I was joking?”

“I don't know? You're always all fucked up and high and drinking and your natural state of mind is all… woo-hoo… so, you know, I wasn't sure.”

“I wouldn't joke about that,” Edward muttered, mildly offended. I leaned my head on his shoulder but he stiffened up.

“I'm sorry. You're always all loopy, what did you expect?”

“I'm not loopy. I'm not crazy and I don't have fucking short term memory loss. Just because I'm not like you and your friends doesn't mean I'm a retard or something.”

Wow. Somehow I managed to piss him off and break him out of his little laid back shell. Something I didn't think was physically possible.

“Okay, calm down. I didn't say that. Don't take things out of context,” I said, tilting my head up and kissing underneath his chin. He rolled his eyes at me, but he put his arm around my shoulder and sighed.

“Emmett, don't forget to stop at the gas station,” Edward reminded him. Rosalie groaned and reclined her seat back further.

“Can't you run your stupid errands later? I just want to go home.”

“Rosalie, do you ever say anything positive? Ever? I'm really starting to feel bad for your baby. It's gonna have the meanest mom ever,” Edward said, shaking his head. Emmett and I giggled because… fuck, it was true.

“Edward. My feet are so swollen, I can barely walk. I threw up at least twice a day for the past two months, up until last week. I have heartburn every time I swallow something, and this morning I had a nosebleed. Oh, and to top it off, today I saw my first stretch mark! So leave me the fuck alone, you smelly ass, bohemian motherfucker.”

“Ouch,” I mouthed as Emmett laughed his ass off in the front seat. I don't think Edward even heard her, because he spaced off halfway through her spiel and started drawing stuff in the fog on the window. A baby. And… Saturn, I think? Who the fuck knows.

We stopped at the gas station and ass and bigger ass got out to go get something. I heard them open the trunk of Emmett's Jeep and then there was a loud thud as they dropped something into it, but I figured it was typical man stuff, so I didn't ask. The ice was getting worse and all I wanted was for them to hurry up so we could get the fuck home.

When we got to the house, Emmett stopped the car at the end of our driveway and him and Edward got out. And then I realized what the were doing. Putting salt down so that we wouldn't fall. I looked at Rosalie and smiled, but she was staring out the window at Emmett, deep in thought. I guess she was having a moment. After they threw salt across the driveway and up the stairs, they cleared the ice off of all of our cars, and they got back into the Jeep so they could pull up to the staircase and help Rosalie's crabby ass up to the house.

I thought it was a big step. Because for once, Rosalie looked at Emmett and saw someone who could be caring and responsible, and not a loud, drunken fuckhead who was incapable of taking care of himself, let alone another person. What Emmett did was a small gesture, but it spoke volumes.

After they got Rosalie upstairs, I stood in the doorway shivering. “You're coming in, right?” I asked Edward. “I'm sorry about what I said. Stay over. We won't have class tomorrow anyway if this weather keeps up.”

“I have to go home,” he said, looking down at his feet. I grabbed his hands and pulled him into the house, slamming the door behind him. He looked at me, a little confused, and waited for me to say something.

“Don't be like this. I'm sorry about what I said. I don't think you're crazy, I love the way that you are, I'm just an idiot sometimes and I don't think before I talk, but you have that problem too so I guess you can relate and I'm just really happy with you right now and I don't want to fight ever so can we-”

“Bella?” He interrupted my apologetic rant.

“What?”

“I have no idea what the fuck you just said. I just have to go home and get the baby. I already owe Jasper,” he looked at the time on his phone. “$63.50.”

I let out a deep breath and laughed. “Oh, okay. I thought you were mad at me.”

“No. I rarely get mad,” he said, smiling. “Emmett's waiting outside, I'll be back in a little bit. Oh, and I have something fun we can do.” He winked at me and walked out the door.

I heard Rosalie's dragging footsteps behind me, and she cleared her throat after Edward was gone. I was still standing there looking at the door, kind of stupefied from his little wink.

“Bella, I have a problem,” Rosalie said. I spun around to her and her ears were all red and her eyebrows were wrinkled a little bit, meaning something was causing her to think hard. “It's about the baby. And Emmett. I need your advice.”

Only two words came to mind.

Uh. Oh.

*

REVIEW FOR ME :) mwaa.

Chapter 8: Paintings & Confrontations

thanks for all the reviews n shiet for last chapter. loves yous.

& i don't usually do this, but i feel the need to pimp out my absolute favorite fic right now- Mr. Horrible by algonquinrt. because if you like this, i think you'll enjoy it.

Seriously, if you haven't read it, you need to. now. as soon as you're done with this chapter. if you're a fan of humor than you need it in your life. the link is on my profile under my favorites.

*

we all know who owns twilight. and it ain't me.

“Okay, be honest. What's your true opinion about Emmett? Don't hold back.”

I bit my bottom lip and stifled a laugh at Rosalie's question.

“Bella, come on. I'm not kidding. I'll start talking shit about Edward, you know it's my favorite thing to do,” she said, plopping her heavy ass onto one of barstools.

“Oh, okay. We're being serious right now. Didn't know…” I let out a laugh disguised as a cough and cleared my throat. “I think he's immature. I think he's lazy. I think he's too large for comfort-”

“Bella.”

“Just let me finish.” I sat down next to her and sighed. “I also think he's trying. It's more than I expected from him. I mean, yeah, I still see him every time I go to a keg party, and yeah, he still plays x-box more than is healthy for a person his age, but, Rose. Let's be honest. You're not exactly low maintenance. He does everything you ask him to do. Albeit, he complains, but still. He's there. That's what matters, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so. So do you think… I should try to make things work with him? Relationship wise?”

“Yes,” I answered, not hesitating. I wanted her and her illegitimate spawn around at family dinners to keep the pressure off of me and Edward.

“You guys won't make fun of me?”

“I can't speak for Alice, but I will definitely be making fun of you,” I admitted, snickering. She stuck her arm out and pushed me so hard I fell off the barstool. “OW.”

“That's what happens when you're a bitch.”

“Okay, so… why was my opinion necessary on this topic? And what did the DILF say when he brought you guys into the office?” I rested my hand on her stomach as I talked because Dr. Edward said at the last baby class they told them that it should start kicking soon and I wanted to be the first one to feel it.

“DILF?” She rolled her eyes. “Um… yeah. Anyway, listen to this,” she said nervously, flipping her hair behind her shoulders. “Carlisle said that he feels horrible that my parents are acting the way that they are to me. So, he said, that if they don't change their mind and we still decide to keep the baby, that he'll finish paying for school for me and pay for the townhouse and everything. So long as Emmett and I both finish school… and get along with each other for “the sake of the baby,”” she said with a sneer, quoting Carlisle with her fingers. “What do you think?”

“They're rich. Take the bait.”

“I feel weird about it.”

“They're rich. I think the smart thing to do would be you marrying Big E and securing yourself some of those millions. Because, uh, I'm ready to slip the stoner the date rape drug and fly him to Vegas to elope. Edward's the older twin. That means we'd get more money.”

Rosalie stared blankly at me for a minute, just blinking. “Let's just pretend that last statement didn't come out of your mouth.”

“Fine.”

“So you think I should… try things out with Emmett?”

“Seriously, all jokes aside, yes. You might as well try.” I smiled and Rose nodded and the wrinkle in her forehead disappeared.

“Okay, for real,” she said. “Did you ever imagine they'd be that rich? Holy shit! Like… why aren't they off at some Ivy League school in the Northeast right now? I don't get it.”

“Well according to Edward, the two of them don't like excess. Whatever the fuck that means.”

“That might be a problem in our relationship. I like excess,” Rosalie said, scrunching her nose.

“Ehh. I'm good with or without it.”

She gave me a dirty look and squinted. “Yeah now that you're all about Edward's junk nothing else seems to matter to you.”

I shrugged. “Not really. It's pretty satisfying.”

Rosalie gagged and started walking toward her room. “I'm going to lay down. If Emmett comes back here, tell him where I am. And don't mention anything about… you know.”

“What, about his dad being a DILF?” I joked. Rosalie gave me the finger as she walked away.

*

“Um… five letter word meaning piece, as in bread,” I asked Edward, leaning my head back against his chest.

“Slice,” he muttered, jotting it down sloppily. “You still have paint in your hair.”

He grabbed a strand of my hair and pulled.

“Ow! Stop!”

“I'm trying to get it out.”

“Will you two go in another fucking room, please?!” Jasper shouted from the other sofa, where he and Alice were concentrating on Lost.

“Thank you,” she said to him. Apparently the rule was in effect no matter who's house we were at.

“I don't want it out,” I whispered. “It's a reminder of that night.”

One thing I could say about Edward, was that sex with him was never boring. He knew what he was doing, and he did it well. And the paint thing… well, that was my fault. I got carried away one day watching him paint with no shirt on in the basement.

When a commercial came on, and Edward was allowed to talk again, he started yapping about something I hadn't heard about.

“You guys are definitely coming tomorrow, right?” He asked them.

“Yep,” Jasper answered.

“I'm coming. I'm kind of excited!” Alice squealed, smiling at Edward.

“Where are you all going?” I asked.

“Ehh. I have a solo exhibit tomorrow that the school set up for me. I think it's open bar, though, so… that's cool.”

I frowned and spun my head around toward him. “Edward! That's awesome. Wait- why the fuck did you invite Alice and not me?”

“I forgot,” he said, shrugging. “Of course you're coming. What's 17 across?”

I shook my head at him. “You're braindead.”

“Was that an insult I just heard?” I rolled my eyes and held up my wrist. Edward stretched the rubber band on it as far as it went and let go, making it snap again my skin.

“Fuck. That one really hurt,” I groaned, rubbing my skin.

“Yep, that's the point,” he said. And then he started laughing. That asshole. It was his idea. Apparently I insulted him too often and I needed to be taught a lesson. Like one of those babies that sucks its thumb so its mom puts Tabasco sauce on it or some shit like that.

“So, what time is this thing tomorrow? Is it like, a big deal? Are your parents going to be there? Did you invite Rosalie-”

“Too many questions,” Edward muttered, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. He picked the dog up from the floor and started fixing his outfit. “Who put this on him? Jasper, you know he hates this shirt. It's too small, it chokes him.”

“How do you know what shirts it likes and doesn't like? It's a fucking dog. It doesn't talk,” Jasper said, waving his arm at Edward. “Anyway, Emmett put it on him.”

“Did you invite Rosalie?” I asked Edward again, just trying to end this ridiculous doggie wardrobe malfunction conversation.

“Yes. She said she'd rather have someone shove bamboo under her fingernails then go. I think I asked her at the wrong time. She was pissed because Emmett wouldn't go buy her lobster.”

I sighed and stood up from the sofa. “I'm tired. Do you care if I stay over tonight?”

Edward shook his head and followed me up to his room. He shut the door and stared at me as I looked through his drawers for something to wear to bed.

“Did Rosalie tell you about what my dad said to her and Emmett that day we went to dinner?”

“Yeah. Can I wear this?” I asked, holding up a t-shirt. It was the best I could do. He nodded and watched me change, his mouth hanging open a little bit. I smirked at him and walked into his bathroom to brush my teeth.

“What do you think about that?” Edward sat on the edge of the bathtub and put his glasses back on. He looked down at the half-finished crossword puzzle as he waited for me to answer.

“I don't know? I told her… that I think Emmett is trying, and she should do it. Your parents are rich, anyway. What's a couple thousand dollars to someone who's a millionaire?”

“That's not the point, Bella.” Edward rolled his eyes at me and shook his head.

“Okay,” I said, pulling his toothbrush out of my mouth. “What is the point?”

“The point is that Rosalie thinks poorly of Emmett and all of a sudden now that money is involved, she's all about him. She hasn't left his side for over a week.”

I turned to Edward and squinted while I swished the water around in my mouth, and then I spit it out and went back to my squinting.

“She's five months pregnant. Her parents aren't supporting her. She's 21 and she doesn't have a job and she just wants to finish school. What else is she supposed to do?”

“Get a job. She has people that can help her babysitt. She's a spoiled brat and she's dependant on other people. It's pathetic.”

“Edward,” I walked into his bedroom because he was being a grouchy little fucker. “Please don't talk about her like that.”

“Well someone needs to. You and Alice obviously aren't, all you do is coddle her,” he shouted from the bathroom. I don't know why he felt the need to voice his opinion on the whole thing, but he rarely spoke passionately about anything so I just let him go off. “It's just going to hurt her in the end. You two aren't always going to be there to help her live her life.”

“Just shut up, Edward. You're pissing me off.”

“Yeah, well your friend is pissing me off. She's fucking with my brother.” I rolled my eyes at Edward's statement and climbed into his bed. I left the corner of the blanket folded up on his side so he could join me.

“No she isn't, she saw him trying to change, and-”

“Bullshit. Emmett hasn't changed. Anything nice he does for her is because I con him into doing it.” He angrily tossed the newspaper onto his desk and slipped out of his jeans and his socks, leaving them in a small heap in the middle of the floor. I probably should've been thinking about what a little bitch he was acting like, but all I saw was him standing there in his boxers with his geek glasses on and his lips all pouty. Ahhhh.

“Actually, you don't see the stuff he does when you guys aren't around. He's trying, trust me.”

Edward muttered something under his breath and got into bed, but kept a distance from me. I shimmied over to him, and he moved away, and I shimmied over more, and he moved away again, and then I wrapped my legs around his and I rested my head on his chest because he was at the edge of the bed and couldn't move any further.

“Stop, Bella. Let me be angry.”

“I thought you rarely get angry?” I laughed a little bit and I felt him let out an exasperated breath that hit the top of my head. “Maybe repressing your anger isn't a good thing. Because then you fight with your loving, half-naked girlfriend about something she has nothing to do with.”

I slid completely underneath the blanket and straddled Edward's legs because I knew of at least one surefire way to shut him the hell up.

“It does have something to do with you,” he muttered, clearly losing interest.

“What? Can't hear you from under here,” I lied, yanking down his boxers. He let out a sigh and lifted the blanket so he could see my head. I started fiddling with his piercing with my tongue, instantly making him tense up.

“Fine,” he breathed. “But, maybe you can talk to Rosalie?”

“Edward. Please stop talking about other women while I'm trying to deep throat.”

Ha. Typical male. That was the end of that conversation.

*

“You know what they say about people looking like their mates after awhile? Yeah, that applies to you,” Alice spat, sneering at my outfit as I met her and Jasper. Rosalie was having a crisis so I was late.

I looked down at my ripped jeans and t-shirt and shrugged. “He told me to look casual. Jasper, am I underdressed?”

I stopped walking toward the gallery and Jasper eyed me up and down, his eyebrow cocked. “You look lovely.”

“Thanks, cowboy,” I said, as he gave me a high five.

“You're gonna listen to him? The person who's never heard of an iron?” Alice shook her head and walked ahead of us.

“You're overruled 2 to 1.”

“Yeah. Stop being so uptight,” Jasper told her, draping his arm over his shoulder. Those two just needed to make it official already and stop fooling themselves.

We walked into the gallery and I looked around in amazement at the paintings hung on the walls. I'd never been to a place like that before; to be honest I didn't know shit about art. In all honestly it bored me to tears. I legit got sent to the principal's office for misbehaving out of boredom during art class up until junior high. The only reason I was there was because it was Edward's show and my head was now permanently located up his ass. Therefore, wherever he was, so was I. Surprisingly, though, all the paintings in there were pretty interesting. And really, really well done.

“That one is awesome, isn't it?” Jasper said, pointing to a huge painting that stretched across the wall.

“Yeah. Is there like, a section where his stuff is, or-”

“It's all his. Everything in here,” he answered, looking at me like I was a dumbass.

Wowzer. My mouth dropped open as I gazed around the room at all of his work, and all the people who were in there admiring it. Ugh. My sexy little stoner artist. I adored him.

“Let's find him,” I said, pulling Alice by the wrist, Jasper in tow.

I walked around for a couple of minutes and finally spotted him in a different room, looking all casual with his stupid beanie and glasses on, as if this wasn't his show or anything. He was talking to an older man wearing a suit, so I waited a few feet away so I wouldn't interrupt. Alice and Jasper went off, probably to find a broom closet of something to get busy in, and Edward spotted me standing there alone so he said goodbye to the man he was talking to and started walking over.

“Hey,” he said, smirking and pulling a piece of my hair playfully. “What do you think?”

“It's amazing,” I told him. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it to emphasize my point. “I've never seen your work before, and this… I can't believe it. Edward, you're going to be a famous artist, all rich and important and brooding and living in a big city in some old warehouse, and-”

“Stop,” he said, chuckling and shaking his head. “It's not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal! You don't have to be so nonchalant and self depreciating. You're so talented… be excited.”

Edward shrugged and started walking around, motioning for me to follow him. Random people would stop him and ask questions about context and impasto and spontaneity and other artsy fartsy terms that I had no idea what the fuck they meant, and Edward would smile and socialize and converse with these people in a way that I'd never seen him act before. He was so smart, and eloquent and just… unlike the way he was with me. There were so many sides to him and this was just another one. Except for some reason, this one made me feel like an asshole.

Why was he able to talk to all these strangers and not act like a burnout, and pay attention to what they were saying, and have intelligent conversations with them, but with me, the only intellectual conversations we had were trying to figure out synonyms to the word “false” when we were doing the Sunday crossword? Did he think I wasn't as smart as these people? Or that I wasn't deserving enough to see that side of him? That I was just some middle class dipshit that was always around because my friend was having his brother's baby and I was an easy lay? We had never talked about our feelings for each other, unless you count Edward telling me how badly he wanted to fuck me. I don't know. It irritated me.

I was his girlfriend, for Christ's sake, and he'd never even shown me any of his work. I came to his show and didn't even know which paintings were his. It was embarrassing.

“Did you see my parents? They're here,” Edward said, breaking me out of my pessimistic internal rant.

“No,” I muttered, shaking my head.

“What's wrong? Are you bored?”

“No.”

“Why are you being so quiet then?” He asked.

“You're talking to people, I don't… have anything to say.” It was true. I didn't have anything to say. Because I didn't fit in this part of his world and it was making me feel insecure and I didn't like that shit. I was acting like a whiney little twat. Like Rosalie. Ugh. I had to leave.

“I'm gonna go home, I have a paper due tomorrow,” I said, turning and putting my hands on his shoulders. “I'm really proud of you, Edward. This… it's just incredible.”

“Thanks,” he said, forcing a smile. “Are you sure you're alright?”

“Yeah. Call me when this is finished.” I started to spin around to walk out, but he grabbed my elbow and kissed me, hard, making us get a few glances from people around.

“I'll see you later,” he said, winking at me before I walked out.

*

I started thinking about stuff on my way home, and maybe I was going a little bit batshit crazy, I don't know, but I came up with a theory about Edward that made me all paranoid. In a way, I felt like he was just using me as a pawn to manipulate Rosalie into not taking advantage of Emmett. I knew Edward had good intentions when it came to the baby, but I felt like he was like Emmett's protector, and he always told me things that I should tell Rosalie to do, or say, or whatever, and it pissed me off. I felt like I was the middle man in the whole situation and people on both sides were just using me for their own agendas. Rosalie always wanted me to tell her what Emmett was doing, or who he was with, and “Oh, Bella, Emmett's doing this wrong, can you tell Edward to talk to him?” and damn Edward was always trying to make me calm Rosalie down and get her to be around Emmett more and try and make her get along with him. It wasn't my problem, and it was all my life revolved around, and now I was having doubts about myself and my own relationship because of their shit. It was beyond annoying.

I managed to get myself all riled up again on the drive home, so when I got in the house, I instantly started taking my aggression out on Rosalie. Well, actually, she kind of started it.

“Bella, your fucking baby won't stop crying. Get it out of here,” she shouted, pointing across the living room at Edward Jr's loud, tatted up self on the other sofa.

“You're the one who made me get this stupid baby in the first place,” I grumbled, pressing random buttons on the back of him.

“Well, I needed you to learn how to take care of a baby, just in case-”

“Just in case what? I mean, you're not working, and neither is Emmett, so why the fuck would I ever need to take care of your baby?”

Rosalie stared at me in silence for a few seconds, just frowning. “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah. I think I gave you bad advice. I don't think you should take any money from Emmett's dad. I think you should stop depending on other people and take more responsibility for stuff yourself.”

Rosalie squinted at me and her lip quivered a little. “I'm trying… but I don't know what to do…”

“How are you trying? You're mean to everyone all the time, and all anyone ever does is try to help you. You're especially mean to Emmett, and I mean… what's gonna happen when the baby is born? You two are going to have to keep sending it back and forth because you can't get along with each other? And really… you made me take the classes, and I take care of this fake annoying robobaby- get a job! There's five other people here who can babysitt.”

Then, Rosalie said nothing and she just started crying. And then I felt like a malicious biotch that was surely riding the express train to the ninth circle of hell for purposely making a pregnant woman cry, so I sat down next to her and sighed.

“I'm sorry. Why are you crying?”

“Because. You're clearly being mean to me because of something that happened with you and I didn't do anything,” she sobbed. I rolled my eyes and hugged her because obviously this was a battle I wasn't going to win. Edward McSmokesalot was right again. Rosalie was a spoiled bitch who expected the world to revolve around her and nothing was going to change that.

“I know, I am. I'm sorry. I don't mind helping, you know that, but… you need to help yourself, too. You know? Taking money from people isn't the way. I just think… you're better then that.”

She nodded and wiped the tears off her cheeks with her sleeve.

“You're right.”

We sat there for a little while in silence, just watching TV. After Rosalie's weeping had subsided, I took a deep breath and turned to her.

“I'm kind of mad at Edward.”

Her eyes popped out of her head a little bit and she frowned. “You two? Mad at each other? I never thought I'd see the day.”

“I went to his show, and… can I just tell you? Edward is not the burnout that we all know and love. He's fucking smart, and articulate, and it actually is physically possible for him to hold a conversation for longer than a minute and a half without getting distracted.”

Rosalie chuckled a little bit and shook her head. “Okay… this makes you angry, why?”

“Why is he all weird with me? Am I not good enough-”

“Bella. You're being psycho. Stop it.”

“No, I'm not. I'm hurt and offended and… I just don't get it.”

“I don't either, but… I do know that the kid is gaga over you. I see the way that he looks at you, and smiles when you tell offensive jokes, and does stupid little things that he knows you'll appreciate but that you barely notice. You should talk to him.”

“Okay… thanks,” I told her, smiling and leaning my head on her shoulder.

“Oh, Bella?”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for that little tirade. Even if you did it in a shiteous way and made me cry.”

“I'm always here if you need someone to be brutally honest,” I joked.

“Yeah, I'm aware. I'm going to try to figure things out on my own. I promise.”

“You don't have to promise me, do it for yourself Big Bertha.”

She flicked me in the forehead as I giggled.

“Oh my god! Bella!” Rosalie grabbed my hand and put it on her stomach. Instantly I felt a faint thump on my palm. “Did you feel it?”

I nodded and felt a lump in my throat. No. It wasn't possible. I didn't cry or get emotional over things like fetuses.

Strangely enough, I realized I had gotten sucked into this whole baby extravaganza. I was happy, and excited, and a little bit scared for Rosalie, but eager to see what our lives were going to be like after. The whole situation was far from normal, and so were the six of us, but I had the feeling everything was going to work out for the better. Hopefully.

Chapter 9: Bye Bye Babies & Blowup Dolls

I was still sitting in the living room with Rosalie, over an hour later, when Edward walked through the door. His eyes were all red, because the douche had probably hot boxed his car on his way home from the show, and he gave me an odd look as he walked over to me.

“Didn't you say you had a paper to write?”

“You were probably high and just imagined that,” I lied, staring at the TV. Rosalie cleared her throat and leaned forward, grabbing Edward's arm.

“The baby kicked,” she said excitedly, placing his hand on her stomach. Edward was momentarily distracted, of course, and he and Rosalie ooohed and ahhhed over the damn fetus for a couple minutes before he sat down next to me.

“Why'd you lie to me?” He asked, scratching the hair that was sticking out from under his beanie. “I'm confused.”

“You're always confused,” I spat, not looking at him because he looked so fucking adorable I probably would've just started mauling him and forgotten why I was pissed in the first place. “Or wait- maybe you aren't always confused. Maybe it's just an act.”

“Okay,” Rosalie said, struggling to stand up. “I'll let you two talk alone.”

After she waddled away, Edward scooted closer to me and laughed. “Uh… is something wrong? Did I do something?”

“We don't know each other very well. I mean, we're dating and we barely know anything about each other.”

“Okay…” He frowned at me and shrugged. “We know each other enough. Maybe in time-”

“You're not a burnout. You're not this scatterbrained, blasé, Chihuahua and baby loving hippie with ADD like you play off. Your parents are millionaires. You're smart, and you're so fucking talented when it comes to all your artistic shit that I don't get, and you're articulate and coherent when you're around those other people, but then with me, you just… shut it off. It's like you're slumming it by being with me, or something like that.”

He squinted at me, laughed again, and stood up from the sofa. “I'm going home. You're being insecure.”

“See what I mean? We don't even have normal, adult conversations. It's weird, Edward. And it's pissing me off. What, am I not good enough for you to have an intelligent discussion with? Or to show any type of emotion?”

“I don`t have time for this,” he said casually, still walking toward the door. I ran around through the kitchen and stood in front of the door so he couldn't leave.

“Stop it,” I said as he reached around me for the doorknob. “Just talk to me.”

“I don't know what to say.”

“You didn't invite me to your show. You invited Alice, but not me. Isn't that weird? I mean, and then I go and I find out that you're not completely spaced out and you're really like some kind of smarty. I'm dating fucking Rain Man!”

I was trying hard to be serious. Really, really hard. But Edward starting bursting out laughing, and I couldn't help but laugh too, and then that was the end of it.

“Bella… come on. That's not me. The way I am with you is how I really am… give me a fucking break. You saw my house, how I grew up. I had to act that way. If you want me to be someone else, well, then… I'm sorry. I'm just not.”

I rolled my eyes and slapped my hand to my forehead in embarrassment. “I'm sorry. You're right, I'm… insecure and retarded. I just don't have good luck in the dating area and you seem too good to be true. Too weird to be true, but… too good, also.”

Edward was frowning after my little spiel, and I sighed and scratched my head.

“Edward. Were you listening to anything I just said?”

“Yeah- sorry, retarded, too weird to be true- I got it. Where's Edward Jr.?”

Holy fucking bananas, I'm standing there, all baring my soul and this kid is concerned with robobaby's whereabouts. I was ready to quit him.

“Edward. Look at me, please.” His eyes met mine and he flashed his “fellate me now” smirk at me, causing some serious action in my reproductive area. Which I of course, pushed to the side, because I was busy being emo and trying to bond with the flaky bastard. “I care about you… a lot. And it kind of creeps me out, because I don't really get you, and I don't know how you feel, and-”

He interrupted my babbling by taking a step forward and pressing his lips under my ear, and then on my temple, and then finally on my lips. And that was enough for me, because even though I still wasn't sure which Edward was real and which one was fake, I liked the one that was there right then.

*

“This is so depressing,” Edward mumbled as he rubbed Edward Jr's head. The three of us just stared at him blankly as we walked into the classroom, because homeboy was out of his mind. We were ecstatic about not having to hear those irritating cries anymore. It was the last class, so Emmett and I agreed to go, mostly just to shut Rosalie the fuck up.

“He's not Edward Jr. anymore,” I told Edward, pointing at his arm. “His tattoos got washed off. His whole persona is… gone.”

“I liked the babies,” he said, sitting the thing on the table in front of us. “I want to keep it. Let's steal it.” He tried hiding the baby under his chair but I put it back on the table.

“Don't worry. One day you'll have a child of your own, which you can corrupt and defile all you want.”

I laughed at my own joke and Edward kind of shoved me, but it didn't have any fervor behind it because the nut was seriously upset about not being able to play with the creepy blinking dolls anymore. Maybe he needed another dog or something to keep him busy.

After the teacher gave a boring little lecture, she said she had a surprise. Last time she said that, it was when we watched the birthing video. And she didn't disappoint this time, either.

This bitch's idea of a surprise was bringing in actual, real life babies that their mothers were “generously lending us”- AKA they were getting free daycare for an hour- so that we could practice what we'd learned on them. Bear in mind, Emmett and I quit these motherfucking classes from hell two months back.

So yeah, first off was changing their diapers. That was all Edward. Of course, he actually paid attention and had that baby wiped clean within a minute and was tickling and poking at its stomach. Meanwhile, I smelled an awful stench coming from Rosalie's station, followed by Emmett shouting, “Ugh! Why'd our fucking baby have to shit?”

Gee, Emmett. Maybe because that's what babies do?

“Emmett, don't curse, people are looking at us,” Rosalie whispered, handing him a baby wipe.

“Seriously, Rose. What kind of luck do I have that we get the one baby who dumps a load before I have to change it? And it's… orange.”

“Just change the baby, puss,” Edward said to him, snickering and still playing with our baby. Emmett sneered and held his nose while Rosalie held up one of the baby's legs. Those two were so dysfunctional, they needed a new name for it.

After we changed the babies, we had to feed them. I figured that was a simple thing to do, until Rosemary's baby thought it would be funny to spit out every spoon I fed it into my face. Edward took over and ended up with a shirt full of organic, half eaten, liquid carrot. He didn't even flinch.

Emmett and Rosalie's baby actually ate its food. Probably because it was hungry from shitting it all out earlier. Anyway, it made Rose feel proud that she could actually do something right as a mother, so I didn't want to discourage her by making fun or anything like that. Not to mention, I saw them holding each other's hands more then once. I pointed it out to Edward as he was carrying the baby, trying to put it to sleep. Edward started laughing and the baby burped and puked all over his shoulder.

After the class, we thanked the teacher and she suggested Lamaze classes for Rosalie to take. I was done participating in any more baby shenanigan classes, so I poked Emmett and he offered to go with her. The big oaf was finally stepping up to the plate.

I swear Edward almost cried when the teacher took Edward Jr. away from him, but I managed to distract him by telling him that Rosalie's baby was coming in less than three months. And I also added in a “stop acting like a bitch,” which gained me a snap of the rubber band. You'd think I would've learned my lesson, since my wrists were already bruised at that point. But, no. Cracking jokes at Edward's expense was just way too much fun.

*

I should've known something had happened when I walked into the condo and all I could hear was the sound of Jasper hysterically laughing from the living room. I entered the room to find Emmett doing some kind of victory dance, Jasper laughing so hard he was curled up on the sofa, and Edward just sitting there with his arms crossed, not pleased at all.

“Um, Edward? What is that?” I asked, pointing to the woman sitting next to him.

“It's a blowup doll, Bella,” he muttered, squinting at Emmett.

I frowned and tried to move it off the sofa so I could sit next to him, but Jasper jumped up from the other couch and tackled me to the ground.

“What the hell is wrong with you people? Jasper, get off me!”

“You can't touch Mabel. She's Edward's new lady, sorry. Go kick rocks.” Jasper pointed at the door and I flicked him in the forehead.

“Someone please explain to me what's going on. Emmett, maybe you when you're done with your little performance?”

Emmett stopped mid moonwalk and smiled.

“Edward lost a bet. Now he has to pay.”

I scratched my head and looked at Edward, who shrugged.

“Okay… and by pay, you mean he has to sit on the sofa with a blowup doll? I don't get it.”

“Nope, not just sit on the sofa. He needs to go everywhere with her. We're allowing him to leave her in the car during class, but that's as much as we'll bend the rules. Oh, and her name is Mabel, Bella. Address her as such,” Jasper said, still chuckling.

“Mabel? What is she, 91?”

“Now you're just being disrespectful,” Jasper said, patting her head. My eyes shot from Jasper, to Emmett, to Edward, to Mabel, and then back to Emmett.

“So what was this bet?” I asked, trying to make sense of this debauchery.

“Oh, it's pretty simple. Edward bet Emmett that he couldn't fuck Rosalie again before she had the baby, and Emmett-”

“Oh, my GOD!” I shouted and cut Jasper off, sneering at Edward. “Edward, what the hell is wrong with you?! How could you- wait, hold on.” I turned to Emmett. “You slept with Rosalie? Was she conscious?”

“You're just full of insults today, aren't you?” Emmett said. I shrugged. “Your friend was begging for it. Don't let her fool you. She's totally into me.”

I rolled my eyes and flung Mabel across the room so I could sit next to Edward. Jasper gasped. Jake started gnawing at her leg.

“I can't believe you guys are this fucking immature that you would bet something like that. I hope you're happy,” I said to Edward. “You completely deserve this shit. I hope everyone laughs at you and you're so embarrassed that you never want to leave your house again.

Edward rolled his eyes. “I don't get embarrassed.”

I ignored him. “And you,” I spat, pointing at Emmett. “You're despicable.”

“Shut up. I love Rosalie. I want to marry her.”

“Okay, now you're being extreme,” Edward said to Emmett, standing up from his seat. “Tell Bella the truth.”

“What?” I asked.

“I want to be with her. I'm serious. Can you… talk to her?”

This shithead seriously had the audacity to ask if I'd talk to her after he just made a bet about sleeping with her? HA.

“No,” I muttered, walking towards the stairs. “You two work out your own issues. I'm tired of getting in the middle. Edward, let's go. I have to be back at class in… 52 minutes.” Edward smirked at me and held his hand up.

“Hold on!” He picked up Mabel from the floor and sighed. “Can't forget my new girlfriend. The good news is, we can make this a ménage-a-trios.”

As soon as Edward closed the door to his room behind him, I was tearing away at his clothes. I ripped his shirt off him and knocked his glasses off his face, making him laugh.

“Betty, calm yourself-”

My tongue was already inside of his mouth before he could even finish his statement.

"Shut up. I'm still pissed about this bet, but I'm overlooking it. Don't make me regret my decision."

I pressed him up against the door as I kissed him, sliding my hands up and down his bare chest a few times before I started undoing his belt buckle.

“Can you… can I move to the bed, please?” I sighed and let him walk over to the bed, where he sat at the foot of it and started taking off his shoes. He looked up at me, eyebrow cocked, and grabbed my belt loop, pulling me toward him before he undid my fly with his teeth. Pretty impressive trick.

I pulled my own shirt off to save us time, and as soon as Edward's pants were down I shoved him flat onto the bed and climbed on top of him.

“Don't worry, I'll take the bottom…” he mumbled as I grinded myself on top of him. He growled a little and slid his boxers down just enough for me to hop on and take him for a ride.

Just as I was getting into it and getting my groove down, he had to open his mouth and start yapping.

“What's your major?”

I looked down at Edward and frowned. “Really? That's what you're thinking about right now? I'm sliding up and down your pole and you're thinking about school?”

“Yeah,” he grunted, clenching his hands around my hips. “Keep going.”

I shrugged and continued my humping of Edward's glorious dong. “Come on, lift a little. Do your piercing trick. I want to feel it.”

He smirked and shifted a little bit, and I instantly sighed in satisfaction.

“You didn't answer me,” he said, squeezing his hands again.

“We'll talk about it after. What made you want to talk about this now?”

He sat up so that we were face to face and he wriggled his hips so he could push further into me. And then, he leaned his chin on my shoulder and started talking into my ear.

“I don't know,” he answered. “I was just looking at you, and I realized how I feel about you, and how lucky I am to be with you and I thought… “I want to know everything about this girl I`m in love with.” And ironically, I don't even know what you're going to school for. We never just talk about you.”

Hold the fuck up.

Love?

I frowned, thinking my ears were deceiving me, but then the fucker bit down gently on my earlobe and then ran his tongue across my neck, making me moan and my body quiver.

“I… English is my major…”

He put his hands on the small of my back and pushed me forward, making himself go deeper into me. I bit down on his shoulder and he chuckled.

“Wait, did you just say- did you say that you… loved-”

“Uh huh,” he said into my neck. I was downright shocked. And somehow, even more turned on then I was before.

My silence wasn't intentional, it was just because there was a lot going through my mind at the moment. Love, and humping and piercings, and blowup dolls… Christ on a bike, what the hell had my life turned into?

“What, are you freaked out now?” He asked me, kissing underneath my chin.

“Um… no. I just didn't think… you're not ever really emotional with me, I didn't know… how you felt…”

I realized I sounded like a stuttering asshole who couldn't form coherent sentences, so I stopped talking and started moving up and down faster, just so I could talk to him. Probably the only time in my life I was ever going to rush through sex just to talk, but it needed to be done.

After doing some of my best work on Edward and making that fucker see stars, I stayed straddling him and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him, because… I didn't know what the deuce I was supposed to say.

He started laughing into my shoulder. “Bella, you're choking me-”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, letting go of him. I traced the tattoos on his arm with my fingertip as I spoke to him. “So… English. Stupid major, right? Don't ask me what I want to do, because I don't know.”

“Then why'd you pick it as a major?”

“Um… I don't know? Because I enjoy it.”

Edward smiled and shrugged. “I don't think it's stupid at all.”

Of course he didn't. He was an Art major. His future was going to consist of either him being rich and famous… or drawing caricatures at an amusement park.

“Thanks.” I sighed and pursed my lips. “So… what else do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

“What do you mean, everything?”

“I mean… don't go to class, just this once, and sit here and tell me and Mabel everything about yourself that I don't already know. And after that, fuck me again like you just did.”

I laughed at him and agreed. “Fine. Just because you said you were in love with me.”

“I am.”

I smiled and took off his glasses before running my thumb across his eyebrow. “You know what the weird thing is Edward? I feel the same way about you.”

He smiled before pushing his head forward and kissing me gently. And I sighed, and sat there and just appreciated Edward for everything he was. Because despite how weird and flaky and burnt out and spacey he was… he was good to me. And he loved me.

*

“Rosalie motherfucking Hale! Waddle your ass right here right now, we need to talk!” Alice and I stood in the living room, waiting for her to show her face. Jasper had told Alice all about the pregnant sexing and bets and whatnot, and we wanted to hear the truth.

Rosalie emerged in some yoga pants and a sports bra, with cocoa butter in one hand and a kind of greasy stomach. She frowned when she saw us and sat on the sofa.

“What?”

“You're fucking Emmett,” I accused. She rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Fine. I am. Who cares?”

“Well, I do for one. Because now my boyfriend has to walk around with a blowup doll for a week.” Alice shoved me and cleared her throat.

“Um, and also… do you really think that's smart? I mean… shouldn't you be working on your emotional relationship, rather than your… physical one?”

Damn Alice. Always the rational one.

Rosalie sighed and laughed a little. “I hasn't had sex in six months. That's a long time. And we are working on our “emotional” relationship… he was just doing me a favor.” And then she laughed and pointed at me. “Edward's an idiot. He always thinks he's right about everything, I'm glad he lost the bet.”

“You knew?” I asked.

“Hell yeah. How do you think he knew he lost? I called and confirmed it and laughed at him.”

I growled and sat next to her. “I hate you sometimes.”

“Yes, I know. I hate you most of the time.” Then she grabbed my hand and squeezed it with excitement. “Oh! Can we go to Babies R Us? They're having a sale and I have to get a crib-”

“Did you, Rosalie Hale, just say the word… sale?” Alice asked, her mouth hanging open in shock.

“Yes. I'm broke now. Someone come with me? Please?”

I looked at Alice. “I have class,” she said, shrugging. By class, she must've meant 69ing with Jasper, because I knew for a fact her class was cancelled. Instead, I just shut my mouth. I needed to talk to Rosalie about Emmett more anyway.

“Yeah, I'm broke now,” Rosalie said. I actually felt kind of bad for her.

“I'll come with you,” I told her. “It'll be… fun?”

She squealed and kind of hugged me/kind of knocked me over with her big ass stomach.

“Thanks, Bella! Just let me get dressed.”

She wobbled into her room and Alice just stared at me. “Please talk to her. I'm just worried… she's not thinking sensibly right now, and-”

“She's a big girl, Alice. She'll be fine.”

Alice sighed, not at all convinced. And even though I was the one who said it, neither was I.

*

thank you guys so much for all the reviews you've been giving me recently... i'm really kind of shocked that people actually read this story because it's so friggen random and bizarre, but thank you :)

Chapter 10: Baby Cribs & Boy Drama

i'm seriously so surprised at the amount of reviews last chapter got. i guess random & bizzareward works, huh?

just as a warning, this chapter is kind of weird and transitional. since this isn't an angsty story, i like to keep the drama compacted and the way i wrote these next couple of chapters, it just worked out weird, so... sorry if this chapter seems pointless and not funny like the rest. i'll make up for it by updating soon. i'm on vacation from work, so i'll stop neglecting this story for a little while, i swear.

to my beta TwirlGrrl... you're awesome :)

SM OWNS

“This is so embarrassing,” I whisper-shouted as I walked away from Edward's car. There were two girls our age walking by, pointing and laughing at Mabel, who was sitting in the back seat all strapped in her seatbelt and whatnot. Edward just laughed and shrugged.

“Who cares? What are the chances you'll ever see them again?”

“Well, one of them is in my Calculus class tomorrow, so pretty good,” I told him.

I wasn't thrilled about the fact that random people around school were going to think my boyfriend and I were some kind of sex perverts. Well, I mean, they probably already thought it, what with word of Edward's wiener ring flying around, but this was just adding fuel to the fire.

Edward sighed and draped his arm around my shoulder as we pushed through the doors of freakin Babies R Us. Not number one on my list of places I wanted to be, but Alice was making me look like a tool by coming home every day with some ridiculous baby outfit or contraption, so I had to step my game up.

It took a good twenty minutes to get to the furniture section because Edward got distracted by some Baby Einstein DVDs, and then this toddler sized plastic lawnmower that blew bubbles, and then a onesie with a skull on it that said, “Bad to the Bone.” I let him take the last one because it was cool, but the rest got vetoed. Also, because it was between that one and another that said “iPoo'd,” and crap humor was not funny to me.

“That's the one,” I told him, pointing at the crib Rosalie had cried over. He grabbed the railing and shook it a little before frowning.

“Why this one?”

“I don't know, she likes it.” I flipped the price tag over and cringed. Bye-bye MacBook I'd been saving up for.

“There's nothing special about it,” he said, grabbing the tag out of my hand. Edward's jaw dropped to the ground when he saw how much it was. “No. You're not getting this. $1,300 Bella?! It's not necessary. Here, this one is only $500, it looks the same.”

“She didn't like that one. Just shut up, Edward. It turns into a bed when the baby gets older, and-”

“She only wants this one because it's expensive. She should just change her name to Anna Nicole Hale.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Edward, I'm trying to be nice here. She doesn't expect this from anyone, I'm just doing it. Stop lecturing me and go find a dude with a rollie thingie. I'll wait up front.”

Edward huffed and shoved the skull onesie into my chest before he went searching. I roamed around a little bit, grabbing a bunch of cute shirts and dresses I thought Rosalie would like when I passed the maternity section. I didn't want to tell Edward, but the last time Rosalie and I had gone there a few weeks before, she started bawling at all the stuff they had because she barely had enough money to fill up her gas-guzzling Beamer. Maternity clothes were last on her list of things to buy, and she was getting pretty huge, her wearable wardrobe dwindling day by day, so I figured I'd help out. I had money to spare, what with my parents being divorced and trying to top each other by seeing who could contribute to my bank account more, not to mention Edward had taken to buying everything for me, so I decided to contribute to the less fortunate. Hopping on the karma bus and all that.

When I got to the check out counter, I saw Edward standing at the register, trying to hand the girl his black card. I stormed up to him and slapped his hand away, making the card go flying. Some little kid grabbed it and took off running as his mom chased after him.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked him angrily.

“I'll buy the crib, I can afford it,” he said, fishing out another card from the library of them in his wallet. I'm pretty sure he'd unintentionally torched me.

“Um, no. I can afford it, too.”

“How?” He asked. “You don't even work.”

“Yeah, well neither do you,” I spat, pulling my wallet out of my purse. “Why don't you go wait outside with your girlfriend? Have a quickie in the back seat or something.”

“Here you go, Sir. I'm so sorry.” The woman who's devil child took Edward's card and bounced handed it back to him. The poor lady looked weary and disheveled. And then I realized that was going to be Rosalie in a couple years, and… I didn't feel so bad about my major purchase that was about to occur.

Edward tried handing the check out girl the card again and I hissed.

“Do not take that card or… I'll call your manager,” I threatened, giving her the evil eye. I threw my handful of clothes on the conveyor belt as she stared at me, wide-eyed.

“Um, I am the manager,” she said timidly.

“Bella, stop making a scene. I know you can't afford this.”

I laughed sarcastically. “Okay, Rockefeller. Now who's judging people by their money?”

Edward sighed and took his glasses off so he could rub his eyes. Someone standing in line behind us cleared their throat and I held my hand up in a fist to them without looking back.

“Fine, let's split it. I'm it's uncle, I want to pay half.”

Giving up, I sneered and handed the girl my Visa. Homegirl had us packed up and checked out before I could even blink. Edward and I headed to the car with some stock room guy behind us, Edward twirling his keys around his finger and whistling. He popped open his trunk, which was pretty much empty except for a big orange bong in one corner.

“You didn't see that,” he said to the stock guy as he grabbed it and threw it in the back seat. Yeah, loading a crib in a trunk with a bong. That's not bad parenting or anything. “Do you think it'll fit?”

“Yeah,” the dude said, laughing at him. “Just put your back seat down.”

Edward kneeled with one of his legs on the back bumper and slammed the seat down. All of a sudden there was a pop and the hiss of air streaming out. Edward's face dropped. Maybe this wasn't such a bad day after all.

“Mabel,” he shouted, slapping his hand against his forehead. “I killed her.”

I was laughing so hysterically I had to hold my stomach and lean against the car next to us. The guy just stared at us because I'm pretty sure dysfunction like ours wasn't part of his every day routine. I got into the car, just to avoid being asked to leave the premises and never return back there because that was probably the next step after the shenanigans that had gone on during that visit.

“What day is she getting back?” Edward asked as he got into the car.

“Monday night.”

Apparently, Rosalie was trying to turn her living grandparents against her parents for cutting her off. So, she skipped class and headed off to stay with them for the weekend.

“Huh. I'd like to see her reaction. Maybe she'll actually… smile or something?”

Little did we know, Rosalie smiling was not on the agenda.

*

Friday night, Rosalie was gone and Alice was off somewhere gallivanting with Jasper, so Edward and I decided to stay in for the night and get freaky. I made him dinner, drowned him in wine, and then tried to coerce him into taking a bath with me, to no avail. Instead, we put in a movie and laid in my bed together. Of course, Edward was still all about getting to know me, so once his ADD got a hold of him, he started with the questions.

“What's your favorite color?” I looked up from my spot nestled underneath his arm and smiled.

“Green.”

He rolled his eyes and stayed quiet for about 30 seconds. “What's your mom like?”

“Me. But way more intense.”

“What about your dad?”

“He's… overprotective. Grouchy. Quiet. Kind of boring. Why do you want to know?”

“Can I meet them?”

I groaned and sighed a little. “We'll talk about it later. Look, her boobs are totally fake,” I said, pointing at the TV. Edward ignored me.

“You met my parents.”

“Yeah, I know. They're normal and nice.”

“They're pains in the asses,” Edward said, frowning. “If we're going to be together for awhile, I feel like I should meet them. It's like… proper and shit.”

“Fine. You can meet my dad. During spring break next month, we'll go.”

The three of us cancelled our trip to Acapulco a couple days after first receiving Rosalie's craptastic news. Conveniently, it was only a few weeks before Rosalie's due date so she conned Emmett out of going away, and that made it easier for me to beg Edward to stay home.

Edward nodded in agreement and smiled.

“Um, can I ask you something?”

“Depends.” He took off his glasses, dropping them on my nightstand. That meant business.

“Do you think I'm going to do a crappy job helping Rosalie out? Because as hard as I try, I'm rude and selfish and condescending and… immature? I don't know. Do you think I need to grow up? I just don't feel like I'm going to be able to help her at all and that kind of makes me feel like a loser.”

Edward laughed at me and pushed my chin up with his finger. “You'll get the hang of it, I'm sure. This is a crap situation. No one's ready for anything, and no one knows what to do. Except me, but that's only because I'm a genius and naturally good at everything.”

He laughed again as I pssshhed him and scrunched my nose.

“I know you think it's all funny and you don't stress out over anything,” I pointed at the newly inflated Mabel, who was perched on my desk chair with a nice piece of duct tape near her neck, to clarify my point. “But I'm being serious. I mean, what if, God forbid, some shit like this went down with us? What the hell would we do?”

“Buy the iPoo'd shirt,” Edward answered with a chuckle. He saw my pissed off expression and stopped laughing. “Look. I've said this to you before, and I'll say it again. You have to take things in stride. Go with the flow. Just because you think you suck at helping Rosalie- which I personally think you're doing a good job, by the way- doesn't mean anything about you as a person. So calm down.”

“Really? You don't think I'm… immature? Or selfish or condescending?”

“Of course you're all those things,” he said, smirking. “But that's part of the reason why I like you so much.” Edward rolled on top of me and stuck his hand up my shirt. “We have to make the most of tonight. Guys night tomorrow…”

“I heard,” I answered, scowling. Jasper told Alice he couldn't hang out with her because they were having a guy's night, therefore, that meant girls night for us. I would've preferred going out and getting bombed since we got to do that so infrequently nowadays, but I didn't argue. “How about you skip out on guys night early and come here? I'll wait up for you.”

“Maybe,” he muttered, his mouth pressed against my neck. “But I say we stay up poking all night, just in case.”

“I agree.”

I slid Edward's shirt over his head and kissed the tattoo on his shoulder. He smiled crookedly and slid down, kissing up my stomach and my chest as he removed my shirt.

“Edward, I want a tattoo,” I said, kissing the top of his head. He chuckled and looked up at me.

“You want a tattoo? You'll never get one. You're too vanilla.”

“I am not vanilla!” I flipped him over and straddled his lap, slapping my hands against his chest. “I'll get one. You'll see. I'll get a piercing, too.”

He laughed and raised an eyebrow. “Alright, Bella.”

“Maybe not a crotch piercing, but-”

“You should get one. You like mine, one of your own would feel way better.”

I bit my lip and smiled. “I can't do that. I'm not comfortable with a stranger all… touching my vag. And what if yours gets caught on it? I mean… that's not a hospital trip I want to take.”

“You're such a baby,” he retorted. “If you're gonna do something, you might as well do it to the max. A bellybutton ring isn't stimulating.”

I gulped and crossed my arms over my chest. “Fine. I'll think about it.”

“Bella, if you get a clit ring, I'll do whatever you want. I'll even clean the condo.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “I don't believe you. You said the same thing about… you know.”

Edward always had these weird sex ideas that I wanted no part in. Most of them seemed painful. He was a straight up freak. And although the idea of having Edward do anything I wanted was pretty appealing, I had limits. Maybe that made me humdrum and generic, but there were parts of my body that I felt his winkie had no business being in.

“Yeah, well you didn't let me do it, so you have no way of knowing if I would've kept my word.”

Hmm. A clit ring or some anal play in exchange for having Edward do whatever I wanted was enticing. Excruciating, but enticing.

“We'll discuss it later,” I told him, unzipping his fly. “Now… do me.”

*

Alice was quiet. Too quiet for a girl's night that she'd suggested. It was freaking me out a little.

“I want to hump Sawyer,” I said, pointing at the TV. We were catching up on all the episodes of Lost I'd missed while I was busy fellating Edward.

Alice rolled her eyes and put the TV on mute. “I have to tell you something.”

I raised my eyebrows and turned my body towards hers. “You're doing the naked mambo with Jasper. I already know this.”

“Well, yeah, but- no, that's not what I wanted to tell you.”

I stared at her blankly for a second before turning toward the TV. “If it's gossip, I don't want to hear it,” I told her, waving my hand in the air. “Turn the volume back on.”

“What if it's gossip concerning your boyfriend?”

I tried to contain my curiosity, but of course, my nosy tendencies got the better of me. I found it a little strange that Edward and I had been together for over two months and I hadn't heard anything about him around school.

“Do tell.”

Alice sighed and bit the inside of her cheek. “Okay. Don't get upset or anything, because it probably isn't true.”

“Did he cheat on me?!” I stood up from the sofa and stomped my foot. If that motherfucker cheated on me, I swear I was going over there and judo chopping him in the balls.

“No, no. Sit down, psychopath.” I kneeled down on the floor, keeping my fists clenched and looked up at her. “So, I went out to get the mail this afternoon and you know that girl Jessica that lives across the street?” I nodded. That bitch was annoying. “Well, she ran up to me and asked me if it was true that you were dating Edward. And I said yeah and asked her why and she tells me that her friend Tanya was banging Edward on the DL right up until the two of you started dating.”

I took a deep breath and sat back down on the sofa. “I changed my mind. I'd like a Sawyer and Jack sandwich,” I told her, motioning toward the TV.

“Bella, don't change the subject. It probably isn't true, I just thought maybe you should talk to him about it? I mean… we were in two completely different circles, so none of us really knew anything about each other before this whole thing. I don't want to see you get hurt.”

I'd never gotten in a fight with Edward about other girls. The only argument we'd ever had was about him acting weird, and I didn't want to be that girl, that was insecure and jealous and crazy. But I found it kind of shady that he was porking some girl in secret right up until we started dating. If I didn't know about it then, when I was around him all the time, then… he could still be doing it and I wouldn't even know. I mean, I had no reason as to why he'd go behind my back, but Edward was fucking weird and his reasoning wasn't the same as other normal humans.

So, I tried calling him. And he didn't answer, which wasn't surprising, because he was probably busy breaking stuff with Jasper and Emmett, or dressing up his blow up doll, or giving the dog a bath or something.

“Oh,” Alice said, interrupting me from my pessimistic thoughts. “Listen to this shit.” She sat Indian style and started twirling a piece of hair around her finger. “So you know how we all think Emmett is borderline retarded and that he's taking the six year plan in school and all that? Well guess what? He's graduating early!”

I frowned before I started busting out laughing. “Wait, we're thinking about the same Emmett, right?”

“Yes. Jasper told me he's majoring in Engineering, and that he's been taking like 20 credits each semester and he took summer classes, so he's graduating next semester. And then he's taking his test and if he passes it he starts working as and Engineer in Training and he totally will be able to support Rosalie if they end up being together-”

“Wait,” I said, interrupting her. I closed my eyes and pushed on my temples. “This is a lot of information. So… Emmett is actually… smart? No. It can't be. I don't believe it. Why wouldn't Rosalie know about this?”

“Because,” Alice said, rolling her eyes. “Emmett wants her to like him for him, not because of his money or anything like that.”

I thought about it for a second and flipped my phone open. “I'm telling her.”

“No!” Alice snatched the phone out of my hand, sneering. “We have to let her figure things out on her own. It's not our business.”

I sighed and shook my head. “I feel like this would make things way easier for her.”

“Maybe we should talk to him before we say anything to her? What do you think?”

I thought about it and nodded. “Okay. Tomorrow, we'll talk to him.”

*

Chapter 11: Pregnant Punches & Facebook Fiascos

hey y'all. so, before you read this chapter and get all emo just remember: this story is NOT about HF.

it's wrapping up soon, so they have a little conflict, but even their drama will be funny so... chill. weedward hearts betty.

thanks to TwirlGrrl for beta-ing her booty off for me all the time. SM owns Twilight.

Boredom did funny things to me. I was getting a little stir-crazy sitting in the house, so I elected to start bugging Edward.

“Tell me you love me.”

Edward scrunched his nose and didn't move his eyes from his lap. “No.”

“Why? You've already basically said it. Just tell me.”

“Stop it, you're embarrassing me,” he mumbled, his cheeks turning red. I laughed.

“I thought you don't get embarrassed, bigshot?”

“I don't usually. What's a large quantity that ends in w? Four letters.” Edward tapped my foot that was rested on his lap and pushed his glasses further up his nose, frustrated.

“Slew,” I sighed, staring at the TV. I was bored out of my mind.

Alice had taken Rosalie out for the day so our house was empty, and Edward and I had already taken advantage of it. We humped on the living room floor. The kitchen table. Alice's bed. Ha. And then Edward complained that he was “all out of spunk and needed to refill,” so there we sat, on the sofa, while he tried finishing some amateur crossword puzzle I hadn't gotten around to.

“You think you're so cool,” he muttered under his breath, chewing on the end of the pen.

I sat up suddenly, figuring that right then was a good time to discuss some issues that'd been rolling around in my head the past week. Our communication skills with each other were still pretty pathetic, but they were getting better since I'd realized Edward was a complete noob and his common sense and logic were usually chillen somewhere around Jupiter. I'd calmed down a little with the blatant insults, mostly because I had permanent scarring around my left wrist from how many times he snapped that foul rubber band. And also, because in all seriousness… Sir Smokes-A-Lot was harmless and far too good too me. I was sprung.

“Can I ask you something?” I bent my knees and scooted forward across the sofa so that we were sitting face to face.

“Hmm?” He asked, uninterested, as he scribbled something out on the paper. I ripped it out of his hands and threw it somewhere behind my shoulder so he'd pay attention to me. “Why'd you do that?”

“Listen,” I said, snapping my fingers in front of his face. I pulled his Poindexter glasses off and slipped him some overenthusiastic tongue so I knew I had his undivided concentration.

“I'm listening,” he said, grabbing his glasses back. “I should get contacts. Like those freaky colored ones or something.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. “Edward, seriously. Let's talk.”

“Okay.” He leaned back on the cushion and closed his eyes. Fair enough.

“So, um, first off- did you guys put the crib together?”

“Yeah. Yesterday,” he answered, yawning. Probably not the smartest idea to let someone who'd been stoned half his life, Jasper, who had the attention span of a gerbil, and… Emmett put together furniture that a delicate infant`s life depended on, but whatever. Emmett was an engineer. That had to mean something, right?

“Where is it?”

“Uh… I'm not supposed to say.”

I frowned and cocked my head to the side. “Edward, I spent like $800 on that crib. It should be here, in her room, so let me ask again- where's the freakin crib?”

“I'll show you later, calm down.”

I rolled my eyes and moved onto the next subject. “Alright, whatever. Anyway, on to Emmett- Jasper told Alice that he's graduating early. Is that true?”

“Yeah,” Edward said monotonously, pulling at the fray in a rip on his knee. “This is what you had to talk to me about that was so important? Who cares?”

“Um, I do. You don't care about anything, so I don't expect you to understand but, this is something important. I mean, Rosalie's hesitant about Emmett because she doesn't know that he'll be able to grow up and act like a father. Maybe if she knew this, that he was smart, and he could support her, and-”

“So, once again, we're back to Rosalie depending on other people and their money. Shocker.”

“God damn it, Edward. You're so aggravating!”

He smiled, as if I wasn't about to gauge his eyeballs out, and pushed my hair behind my shoulder. Then he rubbed his thumb along the hairline behind my ear and squinted.

“Right there. That's where you should get the tattoo. If you weren't a complete pansy and actually did it.”

“Stop calling me names, doper, or you're going to be wearing the rubber band next.” He chuckled and dropped his hand back on his lap. “I'll do it, you'll see. I'm not a pansy.”

“Right. Anything else you needed to talk about that isn't really important, but you think it is?”

I stared blankly at him and blinked a few times. He was so ridiculous, it was insane. If he wasn't so damn adorable and his pheromones weren't so appealing to me and my genitals, I swear I would've walked away already.

Yeah, that's a lie. I was so dick-whipped there needed to be a new name for it.

I didn't want to seem like an insecure, whiney little ninny, so I tried to bring up all this Edward-banging-annoying-Jessica's-friend without seeming like I was attacking him. Or like I cared too much.

“You know that girl Jessica that lives across the street?”

“No,” Edward said, doodling something on my hand with his pen.

“She's friends with some girl that knows you. Tanya.”

Edward's eyes widened and the scribbling halted for a second. I cleared my throat and waited for him to say something.

“Okay,” he said after a couple seconds. “So… what?”

“Do you cheat on me?”

He laughed and held my hand up so I could see what he drew. The outline of a music note. Great.

“No,” he said, pulling my hand back in his lap and drawing something else. “Come on. Don't be stupid.”

“I'm not,” I said exasperatedly, kind of pissed by his reaction. I didn't even care about the damn girl, but the fucker always belittled everything I said. It was irritating. “Jessica said that you used to fool around with her all the time, up until we started dating, and I just wanted to know-”

He stopped me from talking by grabbing the back of my head and pulling my face to his. He kissed me for awhile, and then I tried talking again, and then he told me to shut up and kept kissing me. Finally, when he pulled away and went back to his area of the sofa, I spit out the rest of what I had to say.

“If it was right up until we started dating, does that mean you have feelings for her? Or did you?”

“Jesus, Betty. Sometimes I think you just want to find things to fight with me about.”

I sneered at him and shook my head. “No. It's just that… most of the time, it seems like you're too perfect and too good to be true so I'm just scared.”

“I'm not perfect, and not too good to be true. I lie to you all the time.”

“Dear God…” I put my hand of my forehead and started cursing under my breath.

“Not about anything important. More just to make you happy.”

“Wow. That makes it better. Thank you so much for doing that.”

He shrugged. “It's for your own benefit. Just trying to be nice.”

“Well, don't lie to me. Ever. Tell me if I look fat or if I'm being annoying or if I need a shower or something.”

He cocked an eyebrow, realizing my unmistakable displeasure, and sighed. “Bella. Want to know the truth? Yes, I used to sleep with her… often. But, that means nothing. I was usually high or… drunk or something. She wasn't important.”

“Whatever,” I mumbled, crossing my arms over my chest.

“I don't have feelings for her, and I didn't cheat on you with her. Don't bring it up again, it's not even worth thinking about. Life's too short to harp on things that aren`t significant.”

I nodded and continued staring at him, silently. Sure, I was jealous and being a complete and total hater on this Tanya chick. But, Edward was honest, and honesty should be rewarded, not penalized. So, as much as I wanted to rage and make him tell me how much he loved me because I was self-doubting and force him to promise me he'd never show his wanker barbell to another human as long as he lived, instead I just forced a smile and nodded.

“Fine. That's all I wanted to know.” I climbed into his lap and kissed his forehead. “And stay away from her. Anyone who's friends with Jessica is probably a whore. I'll overlook your poor taste in women, just this once.”

“Bella, you went to a party with Newton. He's a total herb. Don't judge me.”

I laughed and draped an arm around his shoulders. “Yeah, well, so are you.”

“Agree to disagree. I have to go walk the dog, want to come?”

“Sure. Let's go.”

*

“Why do you think Emmett named this thing Jake?” Edward was smoking a cigarette and watching as I pulled the stupid dog away from some other dog's turd that was as big as he was. “It looks more like a Sparky or something.”

“This dog does not look like a Sparky. It looks like a Pedro. Or… Guillermo,” I said, laughing at myself. Edward just frowned and kept walking.

“Okay, remember that talk that we were having before?” He flicked his cigarette into the street and glared at me.

“Yes,” I said hesitantly. “What?”

“You think Rosalie wants to be with Emmett? Like really wants to be?”

I nodded. “Why? What'd he do.”

“I don't know,” Edward said quietly, looking down at his feet as he walked. I don't know? What the feezy did that mean? “I know he wants to be with her, but he thinks she's too good for him or something. And that she doesn't really like him, she's just using him to help her with the baby.”

I stopped walking and yanked on the leash, making Jake yelp a little. Edward pulled it out of my hand and knelt down to pet him.

“You're too rough.”

“Edward, listen.” I grabbed the collar of his jacket and pulled him so he was standing. He had the useless, yelpie little squirrel in his arm and he was bouncing it up and down, like I'd done serious damage to the fucking thing by pulling on the leash. Give me a break. “I know we both go back and forth as far as getting involved is concerned with the two of them. But I think we're the only stable ones here, and she only has six weeks until the baby comes. So… we should probably try and help them to work things out.”

“Yeah, but… Rosalie's such a harpy.”

“And Emmett's a dipshit! But it isn't about that.”

He scratched the hair under his wannabe-hipster beanie and exhaled loudly. “She is just using him.”

“Edward, shut it. She's not using him. It's his damn baby, too! They both decided to keep it, so… just stop saying that. Make him tell her about graduating early. I think that'll seal the deal for them. He's your twin, maybe he'll take your advice.”

“Fine. I'm sick of talking about them and babies. No more.”

By that time we'd gotten back to the condo. Edward opened the door for me and let me in first. The dog took off and headed straight for Jasper's shoes. We both started laughing and let him do his business.

“It's quiet in here,” I said, looking around. Something was different about the condo. It wasn't clean, but there was less… crap in it.

“Yeah, they're… busy. Out,” Edward clarified, looking through the mail on the counter nonchalantly.

“So Mabel's got the house all to herself, huh?”

“Yep,” he said, pointing at her. She was propped on one of the barstools wearing a cowboy hat, clearly Jasper's doing.

“Oh. I'm just gonna use your bathroom,” I said, heading toward the stairs. I got distracted looking at Edward's little tush and tripped over a huge box in the middle of the room. “Oww!”

“What'd you do now?” He asked, walking up to me. I was down on the floor holding my foot, when I noticed what the box said. Bedroom.

“What the hell is this?”

“Nothing,” Edward said, waving his hand. “Emmett's moving out. Are you alright?”

I wiggled my foot around a little bit and stood up. “Yeah. He's moving out?”

Edward nodded. “He got an apartment.”

Interesting. I kept that little piece of information stored in my mind and walked away, not saying anything else about it.

*

When Edward and I got back to our townhouse, there was audible yelling coming from inside. Rosalie, of course. I also heard laughter, so instead of just turning back around and avoiding her ranting, I decided to see what the ruckus was about. It was probably something comedic.

I wasn't wrong.

“Uh… what happened?” Edward pointed at a bag of frozen vegetables on Rosalie's hand and she huffed. Alice, who was sitting on the counter holding the bag for her, just laughed.

“The pregnant woman went all savage and punched someone in the back of the head.”

“I hate that stupid bitch,” Rosalie shouted. Alice covered her mouth to try and stifle her laughter.

I looked over at Edward, who had a noticeable look of worry on his face. “Who'd you hit?”

“Fuck you! I hate your brother,” Rosalie said, sneering at him. “And I don't really like you either. Or your friend Jasper. Honestly, I want to cut you. All three of you.”

“What'd he do?” I asked her, pointing at Edward. Rosalie clenched her fist and cocked her head to the side.

“He knows,” Rosalie shouted.

“Uh… no I don't,” Edward whispered, taking a step away from her. He looked like he was about to dump in his pants.

“Oh, no? Because I found some photographic evidence on Facebook which proves otherwise.”

Edward bit his lip and frowned. “Um, I have laundry to do, so I'll call you later Bella-”

Nuh uh. He tried turning toward the door but I grabbed the back of his neck and dug my nails into it.

“What the hell happened?”

I knew Edward had reacted funny when we'd been talking about Emmett earlier. I wrote it off as one of his typical weirdo responses but this whole scenario was making me believe otherwise.

Edward just stood there, frozen, until Alice started talking. “Apparently, Saturday night these clowns had a little moving out party for Emmett that we weren't supposed to find out about. Which included Emmett getting crazy with another girl. Needless to say, we heard her talking about it loudly in the quad and, well… you can guess the rest.”

I dropped my hand and squinted at Edward.

“Saturday night? I thought you said you were having your fruity little Guy's Night?”

Edward raised his eyebrows and took a deep breath. “Yeah, remember what I said before about… lying for your benefit?”

I clenched my teeth and turned away from him. No. Not okay. I could deal with some stuff, but this was too far. I needed a minute to breath.

“Just get away from me right now,” I said, walking toward Rosalie. Edward knew what was good for him and booked it toward the door. I heard a slam and I'm pretty sure the sound of his tires squealing. Not a good sign.

“I'm gonna kill those motherfuckers. How is this the right way to act? I'm having this douche's baby in six weeks, and he's banging other girls while I'm away for the weekend, trying to convince my grandparents to take my side? What the fuck?”

I put my hand on Rosalie's shoulder and sighed. “Rose, I don't think… cursing so much is the answer. Or punching people in the head, although I do really wish I saw that.”

“It was so amazing. Lauren's head just snapped to the side and…” I smirked at Alice who was overly excited at this whole debacle. “I mean… Rose, you're pregnant, you can't fight people.”

“I'll do whatever I want,” Rosalie said, pulling her hand out of Alice's grasp so she could pace back and forth across the room. “I don't need him. I can do this by myself. Right?”

“Sure,” I said, gulping. Alice frowned at me when Rosalie's back was turned. She was back to doing her Latin recitations like that first day she'd found out she was pregnant.

“It'll be fine. I think I successfully conned my grandparents into helping me, anyway. I'll get full custody of the baby, and he can go off and have his stupid little parties and fuck random sorority trash and get Gonorrhea or whatever the hell he wants to do. I don't even like him. And let me tell you something, just because someone's body is big, doesn't mean their junk is!”

Low blow.

“Ohhhhhh,” Alice shouted, clapping her hands together. Not helping. She was just egging her on. I have no idea how I suddenly became the voice of reason in the situation, but I knew I needed to step in before things got any worse.

“I bet this is just a big misunderstanding,” I said quietly, getting shocked looks from the both of them.

“Bella, just because you're sickly obsessed with fucking Bob Marley over there does not mean this is a big misunderstanding. Alice rides Jasper, but she's taking my side!”

I yanked at my hair in aggravation and sighed. “Rose, this has nothing to do with Edward. I just think you should talk to Emmett and let him explain. There's a lot about him you don't know, surprisingly enough, and-”

“I don't care,” she said, throwing her arms in the air. “I'm done. I'm done with him for good. Oh, and just so you know, Miss I'm-So-Perfect-And-Happy-In-Love… your boyfriend wasn't on his best behavior either that night. You might want to give that some thought.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at Alice. “What is she talking about?”

Alice pointed at her laptop on the counter and cringed. “Uh… I don't know about anything. I don't want to get involved. I'm done with Jasper, too.”

Fabulous. Six weeks to go and now there's a fallout.

“Oh, I'll get involved,” Rose snapped, stomping toward the laptop. She started clicking shit harder than necessary, and I foresaw a visit to Apple sometime in the near future. “Here. Look. This is Jessica's Facebook. And that's the Tanya girl he used to bone. Or still does, whatever.”

I didn't want to look, but let's face it, I was nosy, so I did. And I wish I hadn't.

It wasn't anything completely and totally awful. And by that, I mean, there weren't any pictures of Tanya with Edward's peen in her mouth. But that was pretty much it. There were pictures upon pictures of him with her drinking and her laughing and kissing him on the cheek and smoking and FUCK, I wanted to kick his ass. I'm sitting there with Alice in my pajamas getting mindfucked from watching Lost and he's all carousing with this hooker.

Son of a bitch, I was ready to go call Newton and take some pictures of myself sitting on his lap wearing lingerie or some shit. And then leaving them on Edward's car. But no, instead, I figured it would hurt more if I was the bigger person. And by bigger person, I mean just ignore him and cry in my room and shove my foot up his ass if he happened to be in the vicinity. Damn it, I wished Edward Jr. was still around. I'd decapitate him in front of Edward Sr. That would make him feel the pain.

“Fine, Rose,” I said, defeated. “Do whatever you want to do. I'm done helping.”

“Don't get mad at me,” she spat, slapping her hand on the counter. “I'm trying to help you, here. You want to get mad at someone, be mad at yourself for trying to involve us all in their lives in the first place.”

“Yep, whatever, it's all my fault,” I said, shrugging. “I don't care.”

“Rose, just stop. Don't fight with her,” Alice said, standing between us.

“No, you know what? Fight with me. Go ahead! Because you just want to blame someone else for your mistakes.”

I scowled at Rosalie and she raised an eyebrow at me.

“Excuse me?”

“You've been waiting for him to do something wrong! Everyone's just been helping and helping and all you've done is be negative. You talk shit about everyone, and yell at the boys all the time, and look down on everyone like you're better than them. Yep, Edward fucked up. I'm done with him, whatever. But at least I'm better off than you are. I'm not having a baby with him. You pushed Emmett away. I don't blame him for sleeping with someone else.”

With that I left her standing there, her mouth hanging wide open, and headed toward my room.

*

Chapter 12: Groveling & Blackmailing

OKAY, so I took forever and this chapter is emo. Whatever. I'm sorry. I'll get better, proms.

So, I'm doing some pimpage. First for my girl LaViePastiche... you need to read her story, Son of a Preacher Man.

It's AMAZING. Jasper is pure sex. So is Wardo. Seriously, go check it out. You'll fall in love. The link is under my favorites.

Also, the Twilighted Forums can be a bit crazy sometimes, so if you're looking for another place to go and chit chat, and you're OVER 18- which by god, I really hope you are if you're reading this story- you should check out the Naughty Sparkle forum. The ladies are hilarious, and it's laid back, so go there and talk about all the smut and Throb and everything else amazing about Twiland. And they have this really cool chat feature also, which I enjoyed. So register and check it: fangsdeep(dot)proboards(dot)com

K, I'm done rambling, check ya later

.

Ding dong

I looked over at Alice as she sighed exasperatedly.

"I'm not getting it," she said, waving her hand. The doorbell rang again, but we both sat on the sofa and pretended not to hear it.

And then it rang again.

"Oh, for the love of all that's holy," I muttered, standing up and storming toward the door. I opened it to find Jasper standing there, a bouquet of roses in his hand, looking all sallow and tired.

"Off my property, hillbilly. I'm giving you ten seconds before I call the fuzz."

"Alice!" He stuck his head through the crack in the door and screamed her name. "Baby, just talk to me!"

"Fat chance, buddy," I said, ripping the flowers out of his hand. I tossed them onto the floor behind me without moving from my spot blocking the door.

"Alice, I miss you! Please, my life is dark and my heart is aching-"

"Oh, my God," I said, trying to close the door. He wedged his skinny bod in the space and continued his pathetic groveling.

"I'm a different man because of you and now I feel incomplete! My days are long and I can't sleep..."

"Bella, just close the door," Alice said nonchalantly, not at all phased by his 12th psychotic attempt at getting her to talk to him.

"Give it up, homeboy. This whole display is just... sad."

"Mary Alice Brandon, as God is my witness, I will wait for you!"

That was enough. I gave him a shove with my foot to the family jewels and slammed the door shut, utilizing the deadbolt lock for the first time since we'd moved there. The kid was bordering on some Fatal Attraction shit at this point.

I grabbed the yellow roses and walked back to the living room, dropping them on Alice's lap with a sigh.

"We have no more vases," I said, pointing around the room at the multiple bouquets the guys had attempted to give to Alice and Rosalie in the past week.

"Let's shred these and make potpourri," Alice said, pulling a little envelope that was tucked inside the flowers and laughing at the note inside. "Alice- I'm so sorry. I love you. Marry me. Jasper."

"Subtlety is not his strong suit," I murmured.

"He's an idiot." She flung the flowers across the room and her eyes returned to the TV.

"Esme called me this morning. She said we should throw Rosalie a shower at their house. I told her she should pay to get both her sons vasectomies, so I'm pretty sure she knows some shit's gone down."

Alice shrugged and fiddled with her phone. Apparently Jasper had moved on to texting her to death. "Rose is not going to want a shower. Speaking of... we need to get that crib."

"Maybe if I knew where it was," I responded, clenching my fists. That crib was a soft spot for me at the moment. Edward, that smart little bastard, was holding it hostage until I talked to him. This, if up to me, would be never.

That prick lied to me. And not about something small and stupid, like stealing my vibrator when I wasn't home, he lied about what he was doing and he snuck around with his ex booty call and that shit-wasn't-kosher. Not at all. I was done with the not caring, blasé bullshit. This was serious, and I needed time to think. At that point, I didn't even want to look at his tatted ass again, let alone date him. I was standing strong. Fuck the crib.

Alice was busy calling the AT&T customer service line to see if she could block Jasper's texts, and I actually got a little bit jealous. Edward hadn't called me. Not even once. No texts. No flowers. No embarrassing groveling at my door. Nothing. He was El Doucho Supremo. And I was not happy.

Rosalie had been avoiding me ever since I ripped her a new one the day the fiasco went down. Alice informed me she was currently at the spa complaining to management because apparently someone had adamantly refused to give her a Brazilian bikini wax. I don't know. I was actually starting to feel kind of bad. She was moping around and shit because of Emmett, and then I was adding to that tension by being my usual bitchtastic self and I may have flipped through one or two of the baby books and read that stress does not bode well for pregnant women.

So, I planned to apologize, or at least give her my version of an apology.

She walked in about an hour later, and immediately walked past me and headed toward her room. I followed her in and sat on her bed so she couldn't ignore me.

“What, Bella?”

“I'm sorry for what I said, okay? I don't think we should fight with each other. We all have enough to worry about right now, especially you, with what's going on with Emmett, and I just think that we should stick together. Don't you? I mean… you only have a little bit over a month left. You can't be punching people anymore. We have to stick together so that I can be there to do it for you.”

She stared at me for a couple seconds, her hands on her hips, saying nothing. Just breathing really heavily. It might've been from the fact that she weighed like 180 pounds or something and could barely make it up the stairs on her own anymore.

So, I kept going. “I hope you got waxed. Alice and I really don't want to have to do it for you.”

That broke her. She started laughing and covered her mouth with her arm, stomping her foot.

“Stop, Bella. Don't make me laugh. I'm angry right now.”

“Well, stop being angry. I should be angry. You're all getting love notes on your car and flowers and teddy bears and shit and I don't even get a phone call.” I crossed my arms over my chest and sneered at her.

“Call him. Rip that motherfucker a new hole to pierce.”

“Rose… his hole isn't pierced. It's more the underside-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. He owes you an explanation,” she said, dropping down next to me on the bed. I almost bounced off the other side.

“Exactly. He owes me an explanation. I shouldn't have to go looking for it.”

“Bella,” Rosalie said, putting her hand on my shoulder. “Perhaps you're forgetting who you're dating? The most reverse thinking, bizarre, weird ass hippie stoner cock-”

“Rose?”

“He's weird. I mean, I was raging and I saw the look that he gave when we were all arguing up there. He seemed torn. Not really… worried, or afraid. And as much as I hate to say it, out of all of them, I really think Edward is the most decent to you.”

Rosalie reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope. She sighed and handed it to me, smirking.

“I think this will make you feel better. It was on my car when I left school earlier. Let's both laugh at Emmett's expense.”

I shrugged, ripped the envelope open, and squinted. “Really? Are we sure he's some kind of whiz kid? Because he spelled your name Rosally.”

“What?”

Silence.

Fuck. Shit. Crap.

The monkey was out of the bag.

“Dear… what I think is supposed to say Rosalie: Please listen to me-”

“Bella,” Rosalie interrupted, standing up from the bed. It took her a good two minutes.

“Shh, don't interrupt. I made a huge mistake, and I just need you to hear me-”

“BELLA!”

Alice came running into the room at Rosalie's ear-piercing shriek and just stared at us.

“Um… are you guys alright?” She asked, staring back and forth. Rosalie was red and panting and I couldn't do anything except clutch Emmett's fucking note between my fingers and shake.

“Yes,” I forced out. “We're fine. Rose is being scary, but…”

Rosalie stomped over to Alice as she took a few steps back, until her back was flush against the wall. And then Rosalie still kept heading for her.

“Rose, I think you should relax. All this high tension isn't good for the baby-”

“Shut the fuck up, Alice! Both of you… you know something. I'm not stupid. What do you mean for some kind of whiz kid? Huh?”

Alice frowned at me and slid past Rosalie. “You weren't supposed to tell her,” she whispered.

“It slipped,” I said, shrugging. “Sorry.”

“It slipped? Sorry? What are you, Edward, with the word vomit? This isn't our business, Bella.”

Blah, blah, blah.

I zoned out a little bit and finished reading Emmett's note as the two of them went back and forth, Alice divulging all the confidential info to her that we weren't supposed to spill. Whatever. It could only do good now.

So, anyway, sometimes fate works out in your favor, because at the end of that note, fucking Emmett went on to tell Rosalie how he got an apartment and the address and, for her to stop by. Not happening, Big Em. He had a better chance of farting out gold. But I'll tell you who was going to stop by- B Swan. To get my god damn crib back. It was supposed to be a nice, thoughtful, out of character gift from me that instead turned out to be stolen goods by those three tools. I did not spend half my Mac Book money on nothing.

So, I pulled some 007 moves and I stole the letter and I waited until the two of them were done yelling. Yelling had tired Rosalie out lately, so I knew as soon as the episode was over she'd flop in her bed like a beached whale and we wouldn't see her until one of us had to roll her out of bed the next morning.

Alice confessed everything to her about Emmett graduating early, and being really smart, and getting his little internship, yadda yadda. Then Rose just kind of spewed some shit about how we were “no friends of hers,” because we knew how much she was going through and this would've helped her.

I held my tongue because in all honesty, would telling her really have helped? I mean… I'm no fortune teller or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure Emmett did whatever his wiener had to do with someone else because he felt like she didn't appreciate him or something. I don't know. I was done. I was done with trying to figure out other people's relationships, I was done trying to figure out my relationship, I was done with everything. All that I wanted was the motherfucking Cadillac of cribs back in my possession, and I wanted Rose to pop this baby out so I didn't have to help her shave her legs anymore. That's it.

So after what felt like thirteen hours, when it was really only like… 45 minutes, Alice and I left a pissed off Rosalie in her room to vent to her fucking teddy bears Emmett had given her; or whatever she was doing. When I was sure the coast was clear, I whispered my plan to Alice.

“Okay, so… I think the crib's in Emmett's apartment. This is the address.” I pulled the wrinkled up letter full of third grade spelling blips out of my pocket and shoved it into her chest. “You're coming with me. We're getting that shit back tonight!”

“Bella… you don't think you're being too extreme? I mean, what are we going to climb up a tree and toss the crib out the window? How is this going to work? And wait… what if they make up? I mean, Rosalie needs him-”

“Alice,” I interrupted. “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

“What?”

“I heard it in my Women's Studies class. Come on! Wear something black. We're leaving in point five hours, stat.”

She stared at me blankly.

“We're leaving in a half hour. Wear some kind of athletic footwear.”

*

So, 45 minutes later, there we sat in my truck in front of some terribly normal looking apartment building. 12A. I could see the door from where we were sitting. It was on the ground floor. That was lucky.

“I don't understand what the point of the black hood is, if we're just going to go knock on the door. It just doesn't make sense, I'm sorry.”

“It's putting us in the right mindset, okay? Plus, he'll open the door and be like, shit these girls aren't playing. Or, option two, and what I'm personally hoping for, is that he isn't home, and we can just break in. Then the black is totally necessary.”

Alice pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “So what if we break in and the crib isn't there?”

“Then we're riding over to the cracked-out condo, and I'm pushing Edward off the fucking balcony, which will hopefully kill him. Black also being necessary for our escape.”

She gave me a look that said, “I'm calling your father to discuss medical treatment,” and hopped out of the truck in her black skinny jeans. Seriously? Hasn't the girl ever heard of a little thing called… $5.00 leggings from Target?

“When did you get so odd?” She asked as I pulled my hood over my head and snuck toward the door.

“Huh? I'm not odd. Just pissed. If you spent $800 on a crib you'd be pissed too. Well, maybe you wouldn't because you and Rosalie wipe your ass with $800, but shit, I had to dump my savings for that thing.”

“Alright,” she mumbled, shaking her head. “Agree to disagree.”

Alice's bitchy statement gave me Edward flashbacks. To when I called him weird; and he said he wasn't. And I said agree to disagree. And somehow, I'd turned into the weird one. Fuck my life.

Alice knocked really lightly on the door with her tiny fists. I shoved her to the side and pounded as hard as I could.

The door flew open, and there Em-Dog stood, all wearing those stupid pajama pants of his and looking downright miserable.

“Oh, hey guys…”

“Don't hey guys me!” I scowled at him and held up my fist. “I want the crib and I want it now.”

“Bella, calm down.” He stepped outside and shut the door behind him before leaning against it and sighing. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fucking everything up for everyone.”

“Yeah, well, sorry means shit. I don't care about any of it, I just want you placing the crib in the bed of my truck, and preferably as quickly as possible because I'd like to get home in time for the 10:00 news. Please and thank you.”

Emmett stared at me and shook his head. “No. I'm keeping the crib. You guys get her to just talk to me, one time, and I'll give it back. Anyway, Edward paid for half, so-”

“No, no, no!” I clenched my fists and stomped my foot like a toddler as Alice cursed under her breath next to me. “I wanted to pay for all of it! He wouldn't let me! This is fucking bullshit and I hate you… I hate you all. You guys had to go and have a little party and ruin my fucking relationship, the only good thing I had in my life that was all about me. You all fucked it up with the stupid baby shenanigans and nonsense! I'm 21 years old. I don't need this shit. Fuck you, Emmett, and tell Edward to go fuck himself too. Oh, and Rosalie- R-O-S-A-L-I-E! If you're having a baby with someone, maybe you should learn how to spell their name!”

Shit. I don't think I've ever said fuck so much in such a short time span. And homeboy had another thing coming if he thought he was going to blackmail me with the crib I bought. Nuh-uh. I was fuming.

I heard Alice apologizing behind me as I stomped away, and really, I don't know why she was apologizing because if anything, they should've all been on their knees worshiping us and kissing our toes and shit. Then… out of nowhere, headlights shone on my face and I looked up to see that loser in his faggy beanie come strolling out of the car. Cowboy got out of the passenger seat and Alice ran toward my truck.

“Jasper… get away from me.”

“No, talk to me!”

“Eat shit, liar!”

I got bored of their conversation real quick, so I pretended like I didn't see Edward, even though I did and his stupid nerd glasses made me all tingly in the lady areas and I just walked with my head down and my hood up back to my truck.

And then, for some reason, I realized that my keys weren't in my hands. I squinted and pushed my head against the glass and yep, there they were, dangling from the ignition. I'd been so wrapped up in becoming Danny Ocean that I left the fucking keys locked in the car. Amazing. Great. Fabulous.

Edward grabbed my elbow. I tried with all my might not to hit him in the face. Instead, I just pulled my arm from his grasp and took a step away from him.

“You didn't even call me,” I said, sneering at him. “You didn't even attempt to make things better. Why not?”

“What the hell are you wearing?” I huffed loudly through my clenched teeth and didn't answer him. “I wanted you to cool off… there's no point in trying to reason with someone when they're angry-”

“Edward!” I slapped my hand to my forehead and sighed. “I don't get it. You knew I was upset. These two are over here giving flowers and stalking and attempting grand gestures and shit and you haven't even called me! You know that I'm home, all glum and pissed off to the high heavens because you lied to me, and you didn't even attempt to make it right or explain yourself. What does that make you look like to me?”

“You told me to leave! I figured you would contact me when you wanted to know the truth. I didn't do anything wrong.” Edward shrugged then tried pulling at my door handle a couple times. “It's locked.”

“No shit. Please, all I want is the crib. Please load the crib in here while I try and find a way to get into this truck.”

I was past being angry and irrational. I was past yelling. Now I was pulling out the good stuff. Speaking calmly. Not showing how upset I was. Not crying hysterically and kneeing him in the frenulum.

That was the way he acted to me all the time. And it bugged me to no end. If he was going to be an emotionless shithead… Then so was I.

Edward sighed and started digging through the backseat of the car for something. When he came back, he had some flat metal thing in his hand that he used to open my door in like, two minutes.

“You break into people's cars often?”

“No,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It comes in handy for times like these.”

I climbed into my truck and frowned. “I'm waiting. The crib. Get it, please.”

“No.” I started breathing heavily as he leaned against the doorframe. “Emmett did all this for her. I mean, don't you want your friend to be happy? Stop thinking about yourself and your pride, and her and her pride. They're having a baby. Give him a chance.”

I sneered at Edward and slammed the door, because I couldn't sit there anymore. He was pissing me off, not even attempting to apologize. And I basically threw $800 in the garbage because I knew Rosalie wasn't going to speak to him again, so I was finished with all of it. Alice climbed back in the car, kicking her short little legs at Jasper like she was pedaling a bike in a triathlon or something.

“Bella, petal to the metal! Let's roll.”

I stepped on the gas and sighed at the lack of success from my plan. As hard as I tried not to look at him, I couldn't help but notice the melancholy look on Edward's face as I pulled out of the parking lot.

*

I was busy stuffing my mouth with Cold Stone and wiping snot off my face when Alice bounded into my room, out of breath.

“Hey. I have to show you something. What are you eating?”

“The Pie Who Loved Me,” I told her, shoving another spoonful into my mouth. “The irony isn't lost on me.”

She frowned and looked around my room at the discarded tissues sprinkled all over my bed and the floor. “Why are you crying? You were fine.”

“Because,” I said, my mouth full. “I was coming home from my third trip to Cold Stone today- one was for Rosalie, I'm not that out of control. Anyway, I get out of the truck and some lady is walking a Chihuahua. And it reminded me of Edward and that little rat that he loves so much and I…”

I started sobbing again and I heard Alice chuckling.

“It's not funny!” I screamed at her and tossed a wet tissue at her face. She slapped it away and pulled the waffle bowl out of my hand.

“Okay, see the way you're acting right now? You gotta shape up. We're all hurting. You don't want to attempt to work things out with Edward, then don't cry about it.”

“Oh, it's my fault, right?”

“I mean… it's been two weeks. And like, I'm pissed at Jasper and everything but he wasn't my boyfriend. You two had something really good. Stop worrying about your pride.”

I stared at her and sneered. “My pride? You think I care about my pride? I care about the fact that I was lied to. That he may have cheated on me- or maybe he didn't, I don't know because he hasn't even attempted to apologize! It has nothing to do with my pride. He wronged me, and I'm not going to make the first move. He should be groveling, that fucker. I want to stab him in the eye with the end of one his damn paintbrushes.”

Alice took a deep breath and pulled out her cell phone. “Speaking of paintbrushes, I thought you might find this interesting.”

She handed me her phone and my mouth dropped.

“Oh… my God. Where did you see this?”

“At school,” she said, laughing a little.

I stared at it a little while longer before hopping out of bed and throwing my shoes on.

“Come on,” I said, grabbing her hand. “We have to go.” *

*

Chapter 13: Portraits & Nurseries

“Okay, its right in there,” Alice said, pointing toward some brick building I'd never been in before. I power walked toward it and pushed some vegan-looking, hipster douchebag out of my way as Alice scurried behind me. I was out for blood.

“What the hell is this place?”

“Um, the Fine Arts building. How do you not know that?”

I stopped walking and turned around to squint at her. “I think the real question here is, what the hell were you doing inside the Fine Arts building?”

Alice blushed and covered her mouth to hide a laugh. “Um… well, once a week they have a nude model in one of the classrooms. I like to come check out the man meat.” I stared at her, stunned, and she waved her hand at me. “That is not important! Edward! You! Painting! Go!”

Her shrieking set me back on track, and I stomped into the strange, artsy building, into some huge, wide open lobby that was covered in various students' work. They were probably all weirdoes like Edward. And, Lo and Behold, right there, smack in the middle, was Edward's gigantic god damn painting.

Of me.

I stared up at it for a few minutes, absolutely shocked by how accurate it was. And he hadn't even been looking at me when he did it. It wasn't a picture that he had of me. It was just… from his memory. It was amazing.

“See? Isn't it beautiful?”

Alice's voice woke me from my stupor and I gulped and nodded. “Yeah. It's really good.”

That stupid talented fuck. He knew exactly what he was doing the entire time.

“Go talk to him. This is his way of getting your attention. How long do you think it took him to do this? I mean… it's really big-”

“Just shut up,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Remember when you yelled at me for talking to him in the frozen food section? Remember when you told me he was gay? And when you said he doesn't shower? And when you told me I was disgusting when you walked in on us? How are we standing here right now in this alternate universe? I'm so baffled right now at my life.”

It was what I'd been waiting for. Some kind of indication that he cared and knew I was upset. And he blew me away.

I mean my main issue with Edward and why I felt like I couldn't trust him was because I felt like I didn't know him; Because he was a spaced out basket case. And he knew me so well that he could paint some masterpiece of me offhand. I almost felt… embarrassed in a way; Like we weren't on equal footing. Because when I saw stuff like that, I felt like he was so much more passionate about me than I was about him. And then other times, like when pictures of him with some sorority trash showed up on the devil that is Facebook and he failed to apologize, I felt like I was the one who cared so much more.

We were so screwed up together. But we loved the shit out of each other. I couldn't just throw all of our epic dysfunction away without trying to fix our relationship.

I figured the least I could do was go over there and let the reefer king explain. Then, based on what he said, or at least what I could grasp from whatever hippie mumbo jumbo he spewed, I could decide what I wanted to do from there. It was pointless to make a permanent decision without having all the facts. I'd moped around, cooled off a little, waited for him to come around, stuffed my face with ice cream until the guy at the counter knew me by name. There was nothing left for me to do. If this was the last chance we had at reconciling, I might as well give it a shot. Because as much as I hated him right then, I hated him because I loved him. And his dork glasses, and his sex-toos, and his groin piercing, and his impassiveness. I loved it all too much to just let everything go to shit.

So there I stood, at his door, knocking. After another trip to Cold Stone, of course. I needed to prepare for more heartbreak, just in case. This time, I had a nice heaping of That's How I Roll. I just felt like it fit the moment.

He pulled open the door, his hair all disheveled, with his specs on and some stupid, tight, gray t-shirt that showed his muscles and his friggen sex tattoos and he just stood there and stared at me, one eyebrow raised, probably shocked half to death that my stubborn ass had actually budged.

“You can't just paint a picture of me and think that's going to make everything okay,” I blurted out. Hi, Edward probably would've been the proper greeting, but I was past formalities. I was getting down to business.

“Uh… do you want to come in?”

He stepped to the side and I walked into the condo and… I almost shit a brick. The place was actually clean. No random beer bottles. No rolling papers on the living room table. No streaks of paint on the kitchen counter with brushes strewn around. It was like I stepped into the fucking Twilight Zone.

“Where am I?” I muttered, getting a smirk out of him.

“Spring cleaning,” he answered, kneeling down to play with Jake, who wouldn't stop yelping. I'd forgotten that thing even existed. And then I rolled my eyes, when I saw it was wearing a t-shirt that said Will Lick Balls For Food. That poor creature.

“So… you saw the painting?”

I nodded at Edward, but he said nothing. Instead, he kept yanking on the dog's back leg, which made the thing growl. He wasn't even paying attention to me.

“Edward, talk to me or I swear, I'll go kick that dog off the back porch like a football-”

“Don't even joke like that,” he interrupted, standing up. “Did you like it?”

I leaned against the wall and sighed. “Of course. But, you lied to me. After we had a serious talk about lying. There were pictures of you with her… please just give me some kind of a reasonable explanation. Why would you do that to me?”

I watched as he nervously raked his fingers through his hair, and I wanted to just grab a handful of it and tug it out of his beautiful fucktarded head, because I was so pissed, but even still, I just… missed him. So much. I hadn't seen him since that James Bond shit we'd tried pulling a week before, and that wasn't exactly a friendly encounter. And it was two weeks before that, when the fight started. Three weeks of abstinence from the pierced peen. It sucked.

“I didn't do anything,” he mumbled, shrugging and looking at the ground. He was like a puppy after you hit it in the face with a newspaper when it shits inside the house.

“See, you keep saying that, but I disagree. Try and understand why I feel the way I do. And then start over, or I'm leaving, and that's it. Not that you'd even care…”

“Bella,” he said, frustrated. “Don't say stupid shit like that. You know it isn't true.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled at him. “I don't know anything. And that didn't sound like an explanation to me. I'm getting tired.” I pretended to look at an imaginary watch on my wrist as I fake yawned.

“I didn't want to lie to you,” he spat. “I didn't even want to be there. Emmett was moving out and he wanted to have one last day of enjoying himself and being irresponsible or whatever the hell you want to call it, before he had to be… a dad, and I don't know? Jasper got drunk and started inviting people over, and those girls came, and we were just wasted.”

He started tapping his hands nervously against the wall behind him and his head shot up at me.

“Emmett didn't sleep with her. He was going to. But then, he stopped it before anything happened, and she was all embarrassed about it or something so she went around lying, and he just never wanted Rosalie to find anything out, and I was trying to do what I thought was right. You know? Just protecting Emmett for the sake of their relationship and the baby. He fucked up, but he didn't do anything wrong, technically.”

I took a step closer to him and gulped. “What about me? What about our relationship?”

“I don't know,” he said quietly. “I wasn't thinking straight.”

“What about the pictures?”

“Her friends were taking them,” he explained. “Bella, I was inebriated. I don't know. But I didn't do anything. I told you, I don't have feelings for that girl. I didn't touch her. I'd never do anything wrong to you… on purpose, at least.”

Oh, swoon. I'd never do anything wrong to you on purpose.

Edward certainly had no future in writing Hallmark cards.

“What?”

“I mean… I know I screw up, but I don't mean to. I didn't cheat on you! Alright?”

In all seriousness, I didn't know what to think. His story sounded convincing. I wanted to believe him, so badly. But he'd lied to me in the past. How was I supposed to know if he was lying then? That was my whole point. I didn't feel like I could trust him. What was the point of being with someone that you couldn't trust? All I was going to do was keep being all paranoid that whenever he wasn't around me he was out getting drunk and canoodling with that cow, Tanya. What a stupid name for a stupid bitch.

I looked at Edward and didn't say anything. He tugged nervously at the collar of his shirt and I saw part of the tattoo that went around to his back. Then I stopped myself from drooling on his newly cleaned carpet.

“Edward, how have these past couple of weeks been for you?”

He took his glasses off and hung them on one of his belt loops on the front of his jeans before pressing his fingertips against his closed eyelids. “Lonely.”

“Lonely? That's all?” He nodded. “Oh. Because I've been miserable. I've been depressed. I've been angry, frustrated, gloomy. I've been heartbroken.” He blinked erratically and opened his mouth as if he was trying to find something to say, but nothing came out. Of course not. “You know what would've made things a little, tiny bit easier right now? If I felt like you felt the same way. But it was like… not having me around hasn't even mattered to you.”

I saw his fists clench and he shook his head. “That's not true. It does matter to me. Just because I don't show it the same way you do doesn't mean I don't feel the same way. Don't you know that about me by now?”

“Look at how calm you are! If I was in your shoes, and I knew that I'd done nothing wrong and you broke up with me, I'd be begging for you to come back to me. I'd be telling you how much I loved you and how sorry I was for the misunderstanding, and how I'd do anything to be with you again.”

“Yeah, well for the 500th fucking time- I'm not like you!”

At first I was shocked. Edward had never raised his voice like that to me before. I was so shocked, in fact, I didn't know what to say. Finally, when I calmed down, and he didn't say anything else, I smiled weakly and laughed a little.

“It's funny,” I told him. “Just when I think that I'm finally starting to understand you, I realize that I don't know you at all.”

He leaned his head back so it hit the wall, and I saw his jaw clench, but he said nothing.

“I really wanted this to work, Edward. But, I need to be with someone that I know is completely sure of me. We were thrown together in this situation, and we got close and leaned on each other because we understood how the other felt. But, I mean… maybe we're just too different?”

He pursed his lips and glared at me, his eyes all dark and scary. “If that's how you feel, then I guess so. I don't know what to say to you.”

I couldn't stand there anymore and try to make sense of things. He was emotionless. I said to myself before I went there that depending on what he said and how he acted, I would figure out what I was going to do.

I decided to walk away. Because for some reason, I felt like staying would've just hurt more.

*

When I got home, the first thing I did was go and find Rosalie. Even though my relationship was for shit, hers still had a chance. If what Edward was saying was true- which, who really knew with the crap that spewed from his mouth sometimes- then, that meant they would probably be able to work things out.

She was sitting on the floor in her room with Alice, going through all the baby crap that we'd bought for her the past couple months. She only had about three weeks to go, and she was getting all maternal and nest-y, or whatever the hell you called it, and all she was worrying about was being prepared.

“Hey,” I said, sitting down next to her. I knocked a couple times on something that looked like a trash can and frowned.

“Hi! How'd everything go?”

I shrugged and looked down at the floor. “I don't think things are going to work out.”

Alice's mouth dropped and Rosalie's eyes kind of bugged out of her head.

“Yeah,” I continued. “I just don't think we feel the same way about each other. It's weird… I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. I do have something to say to you, though.”

Rosalie cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes a little. “What?”

“Okay,” I said, sighing. “Look. First off, I know that I haven't been the most amazing friend to you through all of this. I mean, I was unsympathetic, I complained about going to baby places with you; I avoided you when you had your little hormonal episodes, I yelled at you a lot… and I'm sorry for all of that. Really, I wish I could go back and be more helpful.”

Rosalie cracked a smile and shook her head. It's okay, Bella. You've been good.”

“No. Not really. I just… I've never told you like, how brave you are for doing this on your own, and I can't imagine how scared you must be, and how stressed you are. Now that it's getting so close and I'm used to it, I'm starting to realize things more. And this is why I want you to listen to me and take my advice right now.”

When I looked up at Rosalie again, she was tearing. I scooted closer to her and Alice kneeled behind her and started rubbing her back.

“Don't cry,” I told her. “Just listen. I want you to talk to Emmett. After talking to Edward today, I think you should hear what Emmett has to say and then make your decision. Don't you want to give it a chance? Because, I think you have a good chance at being happy together. Like, I know this wasn't planned out or anything, but things tend to work out in strange ways. Right?”

Rosalie shrugged and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “I don't know. If he went and slept with someone else when I was like this… what kind of person is he?”

“I don't think he did it. And I think he's scared. Just like you are.”

She turned her head to look at Alice, who nodded to show she agreed with me. When Rose turned back around Alice frowned at me and mouthed, “Really?” and I shot her a look that said, “Speak right now and ruin this and you will die violently.”

“Fine,” Rosalie finally said, giving him. “I'm not promising anything, but I will go over there and talk to him. Bella, can you drive me there, when I go? I can't… fit in my car anymore.”

I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing and nodded. “Sure.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Alice crawled back to her spot and continued packing stuff into a duffle bag.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Rosalie only has… two and a half weeks. This is her hospital bag. What happened with Edward?”

I rolled my eyes and started spinning an empty bottle around on the rug. “Absolutely nothing. He just doesn't get it. I understand the painting is his way of saying sorry, but… like does he not understand that by being so detached that it just seems like he isn't serious about me? I don't know. Am I expecting too much?”

Rosalie snorted a little and shook her head. “From any other guy I would say no. But from him, yes. Edward is… off beat?” She shrugged. “I doubt he's ever going to be that lovey-dovey, romantic dude. I thought that was what you liked about him so much? That he was different.”

“Different is putting it lightly,” Alice mumbled. “He has his head pierced, Rosalie.”

“Alice,” I sighed. “Just shut up about the frenny already.”

“The painting was so good, Rose. You should've seen it in person.”

Alice kept on blabbing on about Edward's art shit and whatever else, but I just kind of sat there in a daze. Rosalie had a point. When we were together, the fact that Edward wasn't all dreamy and idealistic kept me intrigued, because when he did things that were cute it made it that much more significant.

And maybe I was just being a cunt and exaggerating because I was pissed off that I found out about this chick he'd been bending over right before we got together and then I saw pictures of her sloring it up around him… I was so, so jealous. And I wanted reassurance. And Edward wasn't giving it to me the way I wanted. So, I was countering back by breaking up with him and telling him it wasn't ever going to work, and belittling his attempt at trying to reach me.

I was being such a bitch. But, I was hurt. And if, by some divine miracle, we got back together, I wanted him to know how much he hurt me so he got the picture and he never did it again.

*

Rosalie decided at the end of that week she wanted to go see Emmett. It was a Friday night, and in all honestly, I planned on drowning my sorrows away with some ice cream and Kahlua, but the fact that she was actually going to talk to him wasn't something I could just ignore. So, there I stood, in the entranceway of Emmett's apartment, as Rosalie cursed every other word and Emmett stood there, frozen, afraid to open his mouth because he was afraid she might punch him in the teeth. If this was a few months earlier, it would've been fairly amusing, but right then, it was just sad. I felt awkward.

“I didn't plan this either, Emmett. I'm not getting to have some big party before I have the baby where I get to drink my face off and have sluts over! I'm not going to feel sorry for you!”

“I know,” he said quietly. “I made a mistake. I was nervous about what my life was going to be like after. It's weird to me that everything is so different now.”

Rosalie paced back and forth, fuming and insulting Emmett's peen under her breath. “Why would she talk about you, right there, in front of everyone, if it wasn't true?”

“Because,” Emmett explained. “I had like… an epiphany. I kissed her, okay? But we weren't even dating, Rose! You didn't want me.”

Rosalie gave him the hairy eyeball and he kept going.

“I was with her in my room and I was… kissing her.” Rosalie's ears turned red. No, maroon. And then purple. “And I could've slept with her if I wanted but, she was there on the bed, and I was like… what am I doing? I wanted you. I don't care if I don't ever fuck another random girl again, if I have you.”

“Wow, Emmett. That's beautiful. Really, screw the engineering- which you never told me about! You should be a poet!”

I cleared my throat to remind them that I was still standing there. It was like a major invasion of privacy, but Rose begged me to come in, and really I was just standing as bodyguard in case she decided to deck Emmett or something. It hadn't happened yet, but I felt it on the horizon.

“Um, where's your bathroom?” I asked softly, desperate for a break. Emmett said nothing, just lifted his colossal arm and pointed down the hallway.

I slid the fuck out of there at warp speed and shoved a bunch of doors open, looking for the bathroom. I got Emmett's room and a linen closet before I opened the door to something that left me completely stunned.

These assholes had actually gone out of their way to make a straight up nursery for the baby. I mean, after Edward did all the complaining about how much the crib cost, someone had gone back and bought the rest of the set; rocking chair, changing table, and all. The room was conveniently painted a light yellow color since they chose not to find out what they were having. On one wall was this in depth mural with all these slightly trippy but really cute animals and trees and clouds and sunshine and flowers and Disney characters and other baby shit, clearly Edward's doing. I laughed a little bit and then I just kept wandering around in shock, looking at everything.

“Rose,” I shouted, interrupting some rant she was spouting at Emmett about “almost giving her VD.” A little while later she came toddling in, all out of breath and pink.

Emmett was right behind her, but I was sure he already knew I'd found the nursery. Rosalie stopped dead in her tracks and looked around, her jaw pretty much chillin' down by the carpet.

“Holy shit,” she whispered, her hand over her mouth. Which still remained open. Her eyes were bugging out of her head as she circled the room and ran her free hand along the furniture, and then the mural on the wall, and the sheer curtains hanging in front of the window. Emmett just stood there, leaning against the doorframe, watching her. She stopped in front of a tiny wall next to the closet that had a couple of picture frames in them, and she started half laughing, half crying.

“What's wrong?” I asked quietly, walking over to her. She pointed at the pictures, which were just random ones of the six of us throughout the past couple of months. There were a couple of us with the pierced and tatted up robobabies, one of Emmett and Edward dressing Jake in a hoodie, one of Alice and Jasper actually looking like they liked each other- I'm not sure who caught that one on film. There was a picture of Edward and Rosalie with the headphones on her stomach, and different pictures of her throughout the months that showed her stomach getting bigger and bigger, the rest of her of course still looking flawless.

She cried and cried, so much that she was hiccupping and gasping for air. Emmett and I just stood there looking at each other, like, “What do we do?”

Eventually he took one for the team and walked over to her and helped her into the rocking chair. He kneeled down next to her and neither of them said anything, he just let her cry a little until she calmed down.

“Where did you get all these pictures?” I asked him, breaking the streak of not talking.

“We just had them around. Edward's been saying to take them from the beginning. Alice gave us some, too. I don't know, he said we should have them up here. So we all remember as much as we could about everything.”

I gulped and looked at the pictures again, trying to keep myself from getting emotional. One, because Emmett would probably wet himself if he had two women crying there in his nursery. Two, because I was Bella Swan, and I did not cry over baby crap and scumbag boys that acted like dicks, but were actually so unbelievably sweet and thoughtful inside.

Damn it. Maybe I'd overthunk everything with Edward. I mean… yes, he'd done something retarded. I was pissed. I showed him I was pissed. He got the hint. For some reason, inside I believed him when he said he didn't do anything wrong. Yet, still, I was trying to define everything and I was stuck on being all emo and demanding. I was ruining the one thing about us that was my favorite thing about our relationship; the simplicity. We were just easy. We didn't have to think about things. We were different, but we loved each other, and that was that. Everything else could be worked out.

I was reaching into my bag to pull my phone out when I heard Rosalie gasp. I spun around and saw her clutching her stomach, and Emmett shot up onto his feet.

“What?!” He asked frantically, trying to pull her off the chair. She slapped his hand away and looked at me, eyes wide.

“We have to go to the hospital. I think my water broke.”

UH OH.

just a quick A/N: thank you for ALL the reviews. seriously, last chapter got more than ever, so thanks to the people who are spreading word of this around, like the ladies on imdb. i appreciate it :)

also thanks to my "pre-screeners" and my always awesome beta.

Chapter 14: Apologies & Make Ups

I'm kind of sad about this story ending. Even though I want to start new things, this is just so much fun to write. So thank you to everyone that's still reading :) We're not done yet.

Thanks for all who helped me with this chapter. I am so co-dependant and there's too many to list, but you know who you are.

Emmett looked at me, his eyes all big and bulging out of his head, as if I were the one who had a clue as to what to do. Not him, the father, or her, the mother. Me. The innocent fucking bystander that knew zilch about babies or fetuses or labor or anything else related to reproduction.

“Actually, I don't know,” Rosalie said, looking down at her stomach. “I may have just peed on myself.”

“Gross,” Emmett whispered, scrunching his nose.

"Uh... Rose? I think we're supposed to go to the hospital."

Rosalie stood up, simultaneously digging her nails into Emmett's arm. "Bella, I'm aware I'm supposed to go to the hospital. I'm not a complete dipshit."

"Shit, is the baby like... gonna fall out?" Emmett asked nervously. I got secondhand embarrassment for the douche. "How long until it comes?"

"It's not going to just fall out, you ignorant fool! Bella, I need to change my pants. Oh, God, I need to shave my legs. Do we have time for you to shave my legs?"

I gulped and pulled out my cell phone. "Um, I mean... I'm just gonna call Alice," I whispered. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now."

“Yeah, call Alice,” Rosalie agreed. “And call my doctor! Please.”

I called Alice and left her a voicemail to tell her to meet us at the hospital while Rosalie screamed some flavorful curses at Emmett. Afterward, I called the doctor, who urged us to get to the hospital as soon as we could, and then I went out to the car to grab her hospital bag.

When I got back inside I heard the shower running. Christ almighty, Rose and her vanity were extreme. I was sure the doctor really wasn't going to give a flying monkey's ass that she hadn't shaved her legs in twelve hours, but I just shut up and stood there and waited. I missed Edward. His bluntness was needed right then. Without hesitation, he would've told her to get a fucking move on and that she wasn't going to a Miss America pageant or something.

Rosalie got done pretty quickly, for her. We started toward my truck, but when we got outside I realized Rosalie's huge gut, Emmett's fat ass, and me probably couldn't fit in my little cab. So, I grabbed Rosalie's bag and Emmett gave me permission to drive his Jeep while he sat in the back with her, completely silent.

"Does it hurt?" He finally asked her.

"No," Rosalie spat. "I'm fine. Bella, I'm two weeks early. Is that bad?"

"No," I said without hesitating, even though I had no damn clue. "Rose... fuck. We planned this really awesome shower for you on Sunday. Esme's going to be so upset."

"Ohhh... A shower. You guys are so cute. That's so- ow! Shit, ow ow ow!"

“What?!” I screamed, turning around to look at her.

“Bella, pay attention!” Emmett pointed to the windshield so I would turn around, and I may have hit a curb and skimmed someone's mailbox. Luckily, we were in his Jeep, so I just kept on going and pretended like nothing had happened.

“I saw that,” Emmett said quietly.

“Rosalie's in pain, you should be looking at her.”

“I'm not… shit… in pain,” she breathed. Clearly, she had no future in acting.

Emmett spent the car ride calling everyone, trying to comfort Rosalie, and yelling at me for my craptastic attempt at driving a standard. When we got to the hospital, they rolled Rosalie right inside and brought her to a room to examine her. I stood there, pacing back and forth, as Emmett sat beside her and tried holding her hand. She kept yanking it out of his grasp and growling.

“Bella,” Rosalie said, pointing into the hallway. “Can you go out there and inquire about the drug situation? Because I want them. Now.”

“Sure,” I lied, just looking for any excuse to leave the room. I was kind of, sort of nervous for her, and panicky because Emmett had no clue what the fuck he was doing, and sad because they had made up in their own dysfunctional way, and I still had the image in my mind of the nursery and Edward putting up those pictures and whatever.

It was emotional overload. I was an immature brat and I didn't know how to deal. So I went to the waiting room, hoping Alice or Esme would hurry their asses up and get there to assist me.

I don't know if I was a serial killer or something in a past life, but for some reason I had this super shitty karma, so of course, who was the first person to show up? None other than Edward. Now, not only was I feeling inadequate about not knowing what to do for Rosalie while she was in labor, but I had to deal with our awkward, post breakup weirdness that was all my fault because I was an idiot and couldn't just accept his freaky ass for who he was.

Edward walked over to me, and it really took every little bit of strength and self control I had, which wasn't much, not to just jump his bones. He had his fruity little beanie on, and his glasses, and this thin black t-shirt and his stupid ripped jeans that I loved without a belt so they were kind of falling off and of course he stunk like hash but… Ugh. I loved him. I was so messed up.

“Edward…”

“Where are they?” He asked, with little emotion in his voice. Not out of the ordinary, but he was being kind of cold, which I guess meant that he finally got it and was pissed at me for dumping him like yesterday's garbage.

“In there,” I said, pointing down the hallway. “It's boring, though. Nothing is happening. We're just waiting for her doctor to get here.”

He looked down at the floor and shoved his hands in his pockets before rocking back and forth on his heels uncomfortably, clearly at a loss as of what to say to me. He made me feel like such a heartless bitch.

“Okay… can we talk for a second?”

He pulled his hat off and scratched his head before frowning. “What do we have to talk about?”

“Us,” I said, putting my hand on his arm. He took a step back and scowled a little, pursing his lips and damn it, all I wanted to do was lick them. I was completely out of control.

“There's no us. Remember? Your choice.”

I sighed and swallowed heavily, trying to think of what to say. He wasn't going to talk to me the way I wanted to. It was all going to be up to me. Because that was the way he was. He didn't like talking about his feelings, he just liked showing them. And as much as it pissed me the hell off and made my hair fall out from stress, it also made me adore him, because I never really knew what he was thinking. The intrigue attracted me to him even more.

“I was really pissed at what you did,” I said, taking a step toward him. “But after thinking about things, I mean… I trust you. I don't think you'd ever do anything bad to me.”

Edward took his glasses off and hooked them on the collar of his shirt. “I wouldn't,” he said softly, looking down at the floor.

“Can you look at me, please?” Timidly, he raised his eyes and nodded. “I was expecting you to be someone you weren't. And I messed up, badly. Because I don't want you to be someone else. I love the way you are. Every single day with you is always surprising and the things you do are so… unexpected. I love that. I love you.”

Edward laughed quietly and scratched his chin while I waited for some kind of a response from him. I gave him time. I was hoping he noticed that it was the first time I said those three words outright, without just inferring it.

“I need to think about things,” he finally said, his voice still empty of any emotions. “What if you do this to me again? I mean you call me weird and flaky and Rain Man and whatever other insulting adjectives you can come up with to describe how… different I am. And look at you. You change your mind about things every five minutes. You're no better than me. I just need to think.”

“Fine,” I said with a shrug, trying to fight back tears. “I understand. I'm sorry, Edward. They're down there, room 501.” I ended the conversation because if I had to stand there and be rejected by him, I was going to break down. Even though I completely deserved it for being so unforgiving. “I'm going to wait out here for Alice.”

“She's out there talking to Jasper,” Edward said over his shoulder as he walked away. I saw her on the other side of the double doors, flailing her arms and shoving him in the chest, so I stayed in the waiting room. I had enough drama to deal with as it was.

A few hours later, and there was still no action on the baby front. It was almost four in the morning, the nursing staff wanted to beat the shit out of all of us for being so loud and they didn't understand why the four of us needed to be there. Alice and Jasper were gone somewhere, probably doing it in one of their cars, and Edward had yet to say a word to me. I was kind of avoiding him like the plague because I felt like a dink, but still. He'd made no attempts, as expected. It was shitty.

Not to mention, Rosalie was getting hella irritable. I'd been sitting in the waiting room because she told me the sight of my sullen face was making her nauseous. I knew it was supposed to be a happy time and everything, but Edward was making me all emo and grouchy. Plus, I was tired and in need of an alcoholic beverage.

Jasper and Alice eventually returned and had fallen asleep on two chairs in the waiting room, and Esme and Carlisle went to get coffee, so I went back into Rosalie's room to see how she was. Emmett was snoring in a chair on one side of her, and Edward was on her other side, with his glasses back on, flipping through a book and chewing on her ice chips.

“What about… Eli?”

“No,” Rosalie answered, holding her hand up to wave as I walked in. “That reminds me of like… that guy that was on Xena.”

Edward sighed and turned the page. “Elliot?”

“Veto.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, walking over and standing next to Edward. He kept reading the book and ignored me.

“We're trying to find a boy name,” Rosalie said unenthusiastically. “I have the girl one picked out already.”

“Oh.” I looked down at Edward and tapped him on the shoulder. “Why are you being like this? Please just talk to me, Edward. Please.”

“I'm not being-”

Edward was cut off by Rosalie gasping. She groaned a little and Edward looked at the clock before raising his eyebrows at me.

“I just want to have this fucking baby and go home,” Rosalie spat, grabbing the cup out of Edward's hand. “How far apart are they?”

“Still like 10 minutes,” he answered, clearing his throat.

“Damn it. Are they going to send me home if they don't start speeding up?”

Edward shrugged, not really paying attention to her. “What about… Enrique?” He laughed and tossed the book on the bed as Rosalie sneered at him.

“Thanks for the help, dick.”

“What?” Edward asked, still chuckling. “There's like no names that start with E. Pick something else.”

“No. I want it to start with E if it's a boy. You guys both have names that start with E, it can be like… a family tradition.”

Suddenly, the doctor walked in and started asking Rosalie questions. Edward and I walked out because neither of us had any urge to watch him play around in her vag. He stood in the hallway outside of her room, leaning against the wall and trying not to make eye contact with me.

“Let's go take a walk,” I said to him, wrapping my hand around his elbow. He stiffened a little, but he gave in, following me down the hallway. When we got to the waiting room, he saw Jasper sleeping and picked a magazine up from the table before flinging it across the room at his head and laughing. Jasper jumped up and gave him the finger. One of the nurses cleared her throat and shook her head at Edward.

“You got in trou-ble,” I sang to him, giggling. We stood in front of the elevator and Edward pressed the button, ignoring me. Still.

When the doors opened and we stepped into the empty elevator, I'd decided I had enough. I had to deal with Edward in a way he'd understand. So, as soon as the elevator closed, I slammed him against the wall roughly and pressed my lips against his. He didn't do anything for a good five seconds, but finally, I felt his hands wrap around my waist and he pulled my body against his, laughing against my lips.

“Shut up,” I whispered, deepening the kiss and letting him spin me around so he had me wedged in the corner of the elevator.

He lifted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, and I hadn't realized how much I missed kissing him and how good of a kisser he was and I just wanted to stay right there with him, in that grimy metal elevator, where some pervert in the security office was probably watching us through the camera and laughing. I didn't care. I had Edward at that moment and nothing was going to ruin it.

Except for maybe the sound of the doors dinging as they opened and Esme's voice shouting, “Edward!”

I gasped and looked over his shoulder as he turned his head around and started laughing. He dropped me back onto my feet, and my face got so hot I was sure I was about to become a human blowtorch.

“Sorry,” I murmured, cringing at Esme, who's mouth was hanging open, and Carlisle, who was frowning at Edward. I mean, I couldn't really blame them for their reaction. They were at the hospital waiting for their one son's not-girlfriend to give birth to his illegitimate child and then they go to get coffee and on their way back, catch their other kid dry humping his not-girlfriend in an elevator. I'm sure they were very proud.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Edward concurred. He grabbed my wrist and shoved by them, pulling me behind him. “We'll be back in a little bit.”

Without a word, they got in the elevator and made their way back upstairs. I turned to Edward and pouted, my face still red. “They're going to think I'm a whore.”

“Rosalie's upstairs in labor with Emmett`s baby,” Edward pointed out, waving his hand in the air. “Which they know is a result of a one night stand. You're not the whore here.”

I smiled and ran the tips of my fingers along Edward's cheek, under his glasses, and sighed. “So… does this mean you forgive me?”

“I don't know. Do you forgive me?”

“Yes,” I said without hesitating, kissing him quickly. “Yes. I want us again.”

“Me too,” he agreed, nodding once. “I forget why we were fighting in the first place.”

“Because you're an ignoramus,” I reminded him.

“What does that make you?”

“I guess I'm one too sometimes. But, Edward, I swear, as God is my witness, that if I catch you lying to me again… you'll be getting a back alley vasectomy. That's not a good thing.”

Edward chuckled and yanked nervously at his collar. “Okay. I get it.” We started walking toward the cafeteria and he stopped suddenly in his tracks, his eyes widening. “Oh, I got another tattoo,” he said excitedly. “Want to see?”

“Sure.”

He lifted his shirt and pointed at a little quote written in cursive on the left side of his chest, right over his heart.

Bella cosa tosto è rapita

“It says Bella,” I noted, tracing my fingers over it lightly. “What does it mean?”

He smirked and pulled his shirt down. “It means… A pretty thing is soon taken. Or something similar to that. I mean, that's what the guy told me.”

I put my hand on my chest and stuck my bottom lip out. “That's sad, Edward.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, shrugging it off. “I was sad. It's a reminder of what happens when I don't think. A good thing leaves me.”

I stared at him for a few seconds and forced a smile, forgetting why the fuck I was so stubborn and questioned his feelings for me in the first place. I was such a wanker. There was no question as to how strongly Edward felt about me. If I would've just stopped being so damn mulish and impossible to please, I could've spent the last month loving him and basking in the pierced peen instead of stuffing my stomach with junk food and getting some early onset cellulite.

Suddenly, I spotted something over Edward's shoulder, and I grabbed his hand.

“Come on,” I said, pulling him toward the door. “This is the most cliché thing ever, but we're doing it.”

“Doing what?”

I pushed open the door to the janitor's closet and shoved him inside before following and slamming the door behind me.

“Hurry up,” I said, trying to tug his shirt over his head. “We're having makeup sex. I hear it's pretty intense, so… do me.”

Edward laughed and pulled his glasses off his face, setting them on a shelf. “I'm not mad,” he said calmly. “I don't know how intense it'll be.”

“Pretend you're mad. I mean, I dumped you! When you did nothing wrong. What a bitch I am.”

He stood there, not reacting. Of course. Instead of letting it bug me though, like it usually would've, I just took things into my own hands and jumped on the poor kid, slamming him into the shelf and knocking some Ajax onto the ground.

“Shit, you made a mess-”

“Who cares,” I said into his mouth, making him smile. I felt his tongue press against mine, and his taste was all in my mouth and making me excited, and the anticipation of the frenny ring about to make it's reappearance was getting me so turned on, I was basically mauling him.

“Chill out, Betty,” Edward said, undoing my pants. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“You're missing the point of the unpredicted, impulsive aspect of make up sex. Just… be spontaneous. It's what you're good at.”

“There's a broom handle in my back,” he said quietly, as he struggled to help me out of my jeans. “And the bleach smell is kind of making me dizzy.”

“Okay, no more talking.” I pulled his pants down in one swipe and got an eyeful of his magnificent man piece. I wanted to cry.

Edward growled playfully and lifted me up, before setting me on one of the shelves that was level with him. I scooted myself to the edge and without warning, he pushed forward into me, and I'm pretty sure I saw stars. I also think I bit him.

When I opened my eyes, I caught a glimpse of his bare chest, and the tattoos and his sexy little muscles and I weaved my fingers in the hair behind his head, pushing his face into mine. He got the point of the makeup sex. His thrusts were rough and forceful and he let out a little grunt with every movement. Our teeth clicked against each other, and he bit my bottom lip harder than I would've normally liked, except I was so in the moment that I did like it.

“Edward?” I leaned my forehead against his and choked his name out between my shallow breaths.

“Huh?”

“I missed you.”

“Stop talking. I'm concentrating.”

I laughed quietly and moved as close to the edge of the shelf as I could as Edward started pumping faster, pressing myself against him brutally. He was frowning, and he had a tiny wrinkle between his eyes that was so sexy, and stuff was shaking and falling off the shelves, and I was almost positive that we were going to get caught and escorted off the premises and Rosalie was going to claw me, but I really didn't care.

I buried my mouth in the side of Edward's neck to keep myself from yelling as I felt him all warm inside me. He let out one last grumble, and I wiped off a tiny drop of sweat that was rolling down his temple, and he kissed me gently, completely offsetting the forceful sex that we'd just had.

“Get dressed,” he ordered, helping me onto the floor and looking back and forth across the tiny closet for his shirt. I laughed when I saw the result of our little escapade. The place was in shambles. Sucks for the janitor.

When we were both dressed and had composed ourselves as much as possible, I reached for the doorknob. Edward pushed his palm against the door before I could open it, and I felt him lean over and put his mouth near my ear.

“I… I love you too, Bella,” he said quickly, gulping afterward. “And… I'm sorry. Really.”

“It's okay, Edward. We're good now.”

I turned my head to the side, kissing the corner of his mouth, and I pulled the door open so that we could head back to Rosalie.

*

Chapter 15: Hospital Rooms & Hangman

Yeah, I took forever to update, just be quiet. It's summertime, I was on vacation, RP's still in the city, I've been busy. Don't judge me.

On a serious note, umm... Unexpected got nominated for a Bellie for Best Comedy! YAY! So thank you guys so much for nominating my insane story. It's up against some amazing other ones that I love and I don't really have a chance, but if you haven't already voted for your favorite stories, go to: thecatt(dot)net/tw/Vote(dot)aspx . But obviously, take out the (dots) and make them just regular periods. You know. If you haven't read the other stories that are nommed, you should because they're all really, REALLY good.

AND on that note, I know I said I only had one more chapter left but I'm a fool and this chapter ended up being WAY too long, so this isn't the last one. And shit, this is a long A/N, so I'm ending it. But thanks agin. ILY

I got so distracted looking at Edward's cute little butt as he walked a few steps in front of me that I hadn't realized we'd reached Rosalie's room until I heard her screaming at Emmett.

“Edward?”

“Huh?”

“I'm scared to see Rosalie in full blown labor.” I stopped outside of her door and peeked inside as Edward laughed, shaking his head at me. “It's not funny! I feel like she's going to be like… the devil incarnate. What if she asks me to stay in there with her? I can't do it. I'm gonna puke. I hate blood. Oh, fuck.”

“Stop being dramatic,” he said indifferently, taking off his lame beanie and scratching his head. “It'll be funny, probably. Think about what Emmett's gonna be like.”

“If I have to stay in there, you do too,” I told him, sneering.

“Uh, no.”

“Yes. You're better with all this shit! I'm just a baby noob.”

Somehow in that one sentence I'd spoken, Edward had gotten distracted and started fiddling with the button on his jeans. “I feel sticky and gross,” he mumbled. “I'm going to the bathroom.”

He walked away and left me standing there in the doorway of doom, that bastard. I took a deep breath, gave myself a little pep talk, and dragged ass into the room. Alice was sitting on the bed next to Rosalie- who was mid-contraction, by the way- flipping through a magazine and not paying any attention to her. Emmett had woken up and was sitting there, eyes bulging out of his big head, Rosalie's hand clutching his. I knew that shit had to hurt. She had a death grip.

“Hey,” I said to Rose, shoving Alice off the bed with one hand and stealing her seat. She was useless anyway.

“Oh… what you're done making out… in the elevator?!” Somehow, even while she was having contractions, she managed to yell at me.

“God, your mom has a big mouth,” I whispered to Emmett.

“It was my dad- OW! Alright, Rose… my hand.” He yanked his hand out of her grasp and shook it out a couple times.

“Oh, did I hurt your hand, wuss?” Rosalie asked him, all sneering and about to foam at the mouth. “Why don't you just go wait outside? You're as incompetent as Alice.”

“Hey!” Alice threw her magazine on the bed and stomped her foot. “I'm not incompetent!”

“Um, you can use my hand,” I said, shoving my arm in Rose's face, just to prevent an argument.

She slapped it away and squinted at me. “Shut up. Where's Edward? He's the only one who's any help.”

“He's somewhere… being sticky.” My voice trailed off at the end, and Alice, Rose, and Emmett just stared blankly at me. “Um, so how much longer? I haven't slept in like 25 hours and, not gonna lie, I'm getting a little sleepy. Stop looking at me.”

Suddenly Edward appeared in the room, wiping his wet hands on the front of his jeans. “The bathrooms here gross me out. You think they'd be clean since this is a hospital, but-”

“Please, please, Edward,” Rosalie begged. “Do not start talking about how unsanitary this hospital is when I'm about to give birth in it.”

“Sorry.” He put his glasses back on from where they were hooked around his collar and looked up at the clock, then at Rosalie. “Are they any closer?”

“I don't know, this asshole forgot to time the last one,” she said, looking disgustedly at Emmett.

Edward laughed nervously and cleared his throat. “Uh, Rose? Maybe you should calm down a little.”

Sweet Jesus. Edward must've had a death wish.

“Calm down a little?” She grabbed the handrails of the bed and pulled herself up before attempting to rip my poor, slightly braindead boyfriend a new one. “Listen, Stoner. Try pushing a tennis ball out of your peenhole and then come talk to me.”

“That's a horribly inaccurate comparison,” he muttered under his breath. Rosalie gave him the, “Say another sentence and die by strangulation” look, but Edward had perma-verbal diarrhea, so he kept going. “Anyway, if I was hopped up on drugs like you are, I doubt I'd still be so unpleasant.”

“Bella?” Rosalie asked.

I looked at her timidly and forced a smile. “Yes?”

“Shut your boyfriend up before I get out of this bed and break his legs.”

Edward sighed and sat down in a chair across the room. I could tell he wanted to knock her out and I didn't exactly blame him. He probably would've left if he wasn't so obsessed with the fetus and being all paternal. Rose wasn't typically an amiable person, and the baby shenanigans just made her about a trillion times worse.

The room got quiet again, so I strolled over and sat on Edward's lap as we waited for the action to start. I was getting restless. For one, I hated hospitals because they smelled like old people and dead bodies. Two, I wanted to go home and just be with Edward and enjoy our little reconciliation… over and over and over. And then I wanted to take a nap.

“I'm tired,” I said with a yawn, as I traced the part of his tattoo that stuck out of his sleeve. “Entertain me so I stay awake.”

He took his hat off and tossed it on the floor, before scratching his head. “I'm tired too. What do you want me to do?”

“I don't know. Tell me a story.”

“I don't know any stories,” he said inattentively. He was all mesmerized, twisting and pulling a piece of my hair.

“I have a funny story about Edward and babies,” Emmett said from across the room. He walked to the end of Rosalie's bed and sat down so he was facing us. “When we were like… in kindergarten, our teacher got pregnant and didn't tell us why she was getting so big. So, picture Edward, like five years old, the same way he is now. Just blurting out whatever shit comes to mind.”

I laughed and thought about the picture at their parents house. Edward as a child was amusing to me. Probably because until I saw the pictures, I couldn't imagine him being little. He was so awkward and dorky with his geek glasses and his lunchbox. I loved it.

“Anyway,” Emmett continued. “One day before we got on the bus to go home, Edward goes, “Why's your belly so fat?” And our teacher is like, “Because, Edward, there's a baby in it.” So the next day, he starts like crying and begging our mom not to go back to school, and when she asks him what's wrong, he's like, “Our teacher eats kids!” It was hilarious. Even I was smart enough to know what she meant.”

Rosalie started giggling from across the room and Emmett's eyes lit up. He probably hadn't heard that sound in months. I know I hadn't.

“Christ, Edward. What planet are you from?”

“I was five, Rosalie,” he said with a sigh, sneering at Emmett.

“That's a cute story,” I told him, tapping his cheek. “Don't be grumpy. It made Rose laugh.”

Suddenly, Rose starting gasping and she growled Emmett's name. Edward looked up at the clock and pushed me off his lap.

“That was only five minutes,” he told Rosalie, pointing at the door. “I'm gonna go tell the nurse.” Then he mumbled something about the hospital staff not being “up to par” and walked out.

I stood at the end of the bed, since Alice was trying to be helpful and was rubbing Rosalie's head. She was all red and grinding her teeth and giving Emmett dirty looks. Clearly, she had a vendetta against him since his drunken horniness was the cause of all her pain. He was pretty brave for sitting there and ignoring her because… I would've ran. I had a newfound respect for him. It almost made me completely forget the hamster food incident.

Edward returned quickly, the doctor in tow. He started asking Rose questions and checking all the machines and the baby's vitals and whatever other bullshit, and then told her he wanted to examine her.

“Do you want everyone to leave?” he asked. She shook her head and motioned for me and Edward to step away from the bed.

“I don't want you two looking at my vag,” she moaned weakly. I could tell her pain was getting way worse because she didn't even have enough energy to screech or yell or call Edward a homosexual. “Come stand by my head.”

So, after the doctor's little examination, he gave Rosalie an epidural since she said if she didn't have one she was surely going to die. He also gave her some miracle drug to speed up her contractions since we'd been at the hospital for what felt like twelve years and her water was already broken and she was only dilated four centimeters, which Edward informed me was not even halfway.

Fuck, the whole process was boring. I thought it was going to be like in the movies, where they roll her in and ten minutes later she'd be sweating and screaming and insulting Emmett's man parts and then the gooey baby would come out looking all purple and they'd slap it's butt and throw a blue or pink hat on it and hand it to her. It wasn't like that at all.

After the epidural Rose fell asleep, because believe it or not, there is a God, and the five of us sat on the floor in the middle of the room and played Sexual Hangman. It was Jasper's idea. Edward chose “Angry Pirate” as his term and I gasped when he explained to me what it was. I also made him promise he would never do it to me.

Jasper and Alice were the only two idiots still fighting, so out of pure boredom, Emmett, Edward, and I decided to have an intervention.

“Alice,” Edward said with a smirk. “Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

“Thanks, Gandhi,” she retorted, giving him the finger. “I didn't ask for your input.”

“Come on,” Jasper pleaded. “You know how I am when I'm drunk. I like to touch stuff. Unfortunately, that night it was my phone.”

I slapped my hand to my forehead and glared at Jasper. “You're not making this any easier for yourself,” I told him.

He scooted across the floor so he was sitting face to face with her, but Alice wouldn't even look at him. She just looked over his shoulder and squinted at the three of us as we laughed quietly.

“The only one who really did anything wrong here was Emmett-”

“Eat shit,” Emmett interrupted, pointing at Rose. “And shut up. You're going to wake the demon.” I slapped his arm. “I mean, my… lovely baby momma.”

“Whatever,” Jasper said. “Well, and Edward kind of messed up too because they were actually dating and he lied. We weren't.”

I turned my head slowly to Edward, who looked sheepishly at me and shrugged.

“You're so pretty, Betty,” he whispered, trying to distract me. I rolled my eyes at him and just shook my head.

“It doesn't matter,” Alice said. “You caused all of this. You and your drunken-fucking-dialing. Why couldn't you drunk dial me, or Bella, or Rose for Christ's sake?! Maybe your mom? Some other females besides for those whores? You subconsciously called them and that means something.”

“First off, I don't have Rose in my phone,” Jasper answered, trying to grab her hand. She pulled it away and slid back so there was more space between them. “She scares me. And you know what? Maybe subconsciously I did call the whores. It was probably because I knew they'd pay attention to me, unlike you, who was ashamed to be seen with me in public and wouldn't date me.”

“Ooooooooh,” Emmett said, patting him on the back. “That was a low blow. But good point.”

“Shut up, Emmett,” Alice spat, holding up her tiny fist before looking at Jasper. “I was not ashamed of you. Don't try to blame this on me.”

“Then why didn't you tell your friends about us?”

“Because…” Alice looked at me like I was supposed to know the answer or something. I just shrugged at her and leaned my head on Edward's shoulder. “Uh, well, I don't feel the need to talk about everything-”

“Bullshit,” Jasper said, cutting her off. “You were embarrassed of me.”

“Well, you're weird!” She jumped up from the floor and put her hands on her hips. “I don't date guys like you, okay? I like clean, well dressed, mentally stable men, who know what an iron is! I went away from my norm for you, and you totally disrespected me. So whatever. I don't feel bad.”

“Look at them!” Jasper stood up and pointed at me and Edward. “Edward is the most spaced out motherfucker out there! And Bella wasn't embarrassed of him!”

“I'm sitting right here,” Edward mumbled quietly as I laughed into his shoulder.

“Maybe that's why they're back together,” Jasper continued. “She accepts him for how he is.”

Alice looked down at the floor, kind of embarrassed. Southern homeboy put her in her place and made her look like a shallow fool.

“I fucked up, okay. And I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I've tried everything I can to show you how sorry I was. I even proposed… kind of. Did you read that note or did you just throw it away?”

“I read it and then threw it away,” Alice said with a giggle. Then, she took a deep breath and slapped her hands against her legs. “Fine! Let's go talk alone.”

She dragged him outside and Edward started chuckling. “Good job, team.”

“Maybe we aren't the most dysfunctional couple of the three,” I said to him, giving a victory pump. “Yay.”

“I really don't think I can choose which of the three is the weirdest,” Emmett stated as he scribbled down on a napkin, starting a new game of hangman. He cringed a little so I knew it was going to be a gross round. “I guess it's probably the couple with the baby out of wedlock.”

“Yeah, probably,” Edward agreed, pointing at the napkin. “I already know what your term is.”

“No you don't.”

“Cherry Cream Pie.”

“Shit!” Emmett crumpled the napkin and threw it at Edward.

“Uh… what's a Cherry Cream Pie?” I asked hesitantly.

“Just think about it,” Edward said, pretending to gag.

“I don't want to play this game with you two anymore,” I said with a yawn. “I'm completely grossed out. Edward, we need to have a serious talk later. I really hope you haven't ever partaken in any of these things.”

“I haven't. Well, besides for the-”

“No.” I cut him off and shook my head. “Don't. I don't want to know.”

Luckily, at that moment, a nurse in hot pink scrubs walked in all smiling and cheery like it wasn't almost six in the morning.

“We're going to move Rosalie to a bigger room… since there's so many of you here,” she said. “Let's wake her up and I'll walk you over.”

The room they moved Rosalie to was way better. Instead of looking like a room that they brought you to when you split your head open and got a concussion from falling down the stairs- not that that had ever happened to me- it looked more like a hotel room. It had a bigger TV and more chairs and a sofa that was begging for me to take a nap on it. Plus there was a rolling crib-type thing, and a bigger bed for her, and some other baby shit, too. She was pissed that we woke her up, but thrilled at the nicer accommodations.

Esme and Carlisle had a camera and started taking pictures of everything and everyone. No one was too enthusiastic about that. Well, besides Edward, who really couldn't care less about anything. The two of us shotgunned the sofa after the impromptu photo shoot, and the thing was small but it was like my own personal utopia at that minute. I had a comfy place to sleep and my tatted up loverboy by my side. All I needed was some Cold Stone and I would've been set.

Rose fell back asleep, Esme and Carlisle sat there reading the paper and chugging coffee, and Emmett went to raid the cafeteria. We'd passed Jasper and Alice on the walk to the new room, but they were still battling it out and hadn't returned.

“Here, Edward.” Carlisle ripped out the crossword puzzle from the paper and tossed it to him with a pen. I nestled myself into Edward's body and sighed as he started humming quietly and doing the puzzle.

“Dad,” Edward whispered, so he wouldn't wake the beast again. “Can you tell Jasper to go home and walk the dog? And feed it? And make sure it has it's pillow?”

Carlisle gave Edward a strange look, but didn't ask any questions. I assumed that was the result of 21 years of dealing with him.

“Why do you still have the dog?” I asked. “It's Emmett's; shouldn't he have it at his apartment?”

“He doesn't pay enough attention to it. Anyway, it proved it's point. It's mine now.”

“Give it to a shelter,” I suggested. The thing was obnoxious.

Edward gasped and looked at me like I was crazy. “No. You're horrible. It's happy with me. That's why it only shits on Jasper's stuff and not mine. Bella, what's a seven letter word that starts with “R” that means to become aware?”

“Realize,” I answered quickly, rolling my eyes. “Haven't we done that one already? You suck. Just give me that thing.”

“No, I'm doing it.” He moved it out of my reach quickly before I could grab it and chuckled quietly. After a couple minutes of just being quiet and watching him concentrate and get little wrinkles in his forehead, I got bored and attempted to sleep for a little while. I was just drifting off when he decided to say something random. “I still want to go meet your dad.”

“He's probably coming to visit in a couple weeks,” I answered drowsily, not opening my eyes. “After everything is a little calmer.”

“Is he going to hate me?”

“No.” I thought about it and took back my answer. “Actually, he might. I don't think he's ever met anyone that I've dated. You don't translate well through first impressions. Just try not to smoke that day.”

“Shut up,” he hissed, pointing at his mom, who was like five feet away from us. She wasn't paying any attention to our conversation, so it didn't really matter.

The doctor came in and examined Rosalie again. She hadn't dilated as much as they wanted her to, so he suggested she take a walk. Emmett wasn't back because he was most likely eating one of everything the cafeteria carried, and I knew it would've been awkward for her to go with Esme, so I volunteered like the nice, compassionate, unselfish person that I was slowly becoming.

“Does it hurt?” I asked her as we walked like fucking snails down the hallway.

“Not anymore. That bitch at the baby classes said to try not to get the epidural. Good thing I didn't listen to her.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Good thing.”

We were silent for a little while, and then she took a deep breath. “Okay, um… do you think I should move in to that apartment with Emmett?”

I stopped dead in my tracks and tapped my ear, just to make sure there was nothing blocking it and I heard her right. “How many drugs did they give you?”

“Stop. I'm being serious. Give me advice.”

I winced and took a step away from her. “I don't give good advice. Don't ask me. Last time you asked me for advice I think I suggested something having to do with date rape.”

She laughed and grabbed my wrist, dragging me along. “No, seriously. What do you think? I trust your opinion.”

I thought about it for a couple seconds as we walked down the bright hallway, keeping my eyes fixed on the border going across the walls. It had like... lambs on it and these cuddly-looking lions. The irony. In real life, a lion would eat those little lambs as a midday snack. It was tripping me out, probably due to my lack of sleep.

“I think you should do it,” I said, nodding sternly. “I think it's the right thing to do.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

“Me too,” she said with a sigh. “I figure I'll give it a chance. For the sake of the baby.”

“Everything's not just about the baby,” I told her. “It's about you guys, too. He loves you. And you love him too, otherwise you wouldn't have been so angry at what he did. He's trying to step up, so let him.”

“Love is a strong word, Bella. I don't know about all that.”

“You do,” I informed her, smiling. “I can just tell. Don't worry about what other people think. I think you'll be happy together. And he's still here. That's saying something, isn't it?”

“I guess so.” She stopped suddenly and squeezed my arm, clenching her eyes shut. “Wait. I feel pressure. I need more drugs. How long until they can give me another epidural?”

“Let's just go back,” I said nervously, putting my hand on her back and turning her around. “I know I made fun of Emmett when he said something about the baby just falling out, but now I feel the same way. This floor looks hard.”

Rosalie manage to giggled as we inched our way back to the room. Edward had fallen asleep, the crossword puzzle and pen still in his hand, and Carlisle had come back from giving Jasper Edward's demands about the dog. Esme and I helped Rosalie onto the bed, and then I walked over to Edward and got back into the position I was in before I went with Rose to walk the baby out.

“Wake me up when something interesting happens,” I told them with a yawn. I took the crap out of Edward's hands and kissed his lips quickly, without waking him up. It only took a couple minutes before I passed out.

*

Chapter 16: Delivery & Emmelie

Hmmm yeah, so this is still not over yet. I'm not purposely dragging it out, I'm just having issues fitting everything I want to into the chapters, so... yeah. IDK how many more chapters. Probably one after this.

ALSO, I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I AM NOT RETARDED. I am completely aware that after someone gets an epidural, they can't walk. Anyone who follows me on twitter, or has talked to me on any other outlet knows that I was ripping my hair out over the last chapter and I changed it around 500 times, not paying attention to the fact that I'd cut that last scene from the beginning of the chapter and it no longer worked. Whatever. It had been a month since I updated, and I was fried. I'm not writing a medical book here, and this story is supposed to just be funny, not all serious business and whatnot.

Yeah so on that note, luckily, this is GD FICTION so let's just all laugh and live in fantasy land and pretend it makes sense, since I RARELY mess up, k? Or, if you prefer, I could sit and research the shit out of every single sentence I write and take double time updating? I don't want to have to do that though, so just... leave me alone about my mistakes. Or PM me about it. Thanks :)

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Also, as a reminder, voting for the Bellies is open until August 5th, I believe. If you haven't voted for your favorites, go do it!

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You know how people say there are certain things in life that you just need to experience before you die? Like… skydiving, for instance. Singing karaoke. Visiting the Grand Canyon. Swimming with dolphins. Learning how to ballroom dance. Etcetera.

Yeah, well, some people include giving birth as one of those things. My mother was one of those people. She always explained it as being this “beautiful miracle” that couldn't be explained in words. She claimed once you saw your spawn that the god damn seas parted and a choir of angels sung and like, everything glowed.

Whatever. In my mind, I always just ignored her and envisioned it as being the most painful thing that could ever possibly happen to you. Like, worse than having a limb chopped off or getting shot at close range or being hit over the head with something cast iron. I just could not see the beauty in a seven-pound-whatever-ounce human being shoved out of your little, tiny vag. I mean, sometimes it hurt when Edward pounded me a certain way. And his knob was in no way, shape, or form the size of a newborn baby.

Yeah, so anyway… seeing Rosalie in full blown labor had me completely convinced that I was right.

“I have to leave,” I said, covering my mouth with my hand. I was 99% positive that I was either going to die or vomit on the doctor's shoes within the next couple of seconds if I didn't run from the room like a bat out of hell.

“Bella, will you shut the fuck up!” Rosalie screamed, causing Emmett and Edward, who were standing on either side of her, to jump about five feet in the air. I looked at the nurse, who just shrugged and kept her lips pressed together in a tight line. She was totally trying not to laugh at her. Or me, whichever.

The doctor had told Rosalie earlier that she could choose three people to stay in the room while she gave birth. If I was her, I would've chosen Emmett, which she did; someone who wasn't going to throw up and be a complete wuss, like I was- AKA, Alice; and probably Esme, since her own mother was MIA. Clearly, she was delusional and doped up, because she chose me and Edward instead. I didn't question her because I was afraid she'd bite me.

Rose demanded that Edward stood near her head and acted as a human stress ball, since she didn't want him looking at her crotch. I guess since he went to those ninth circle of hell-ish baby training classes for awhile, she felt like he knew what he was doing and could help her or something. As much as she talked shit and made fun of him, I think she felt comfortable with him. He'd always managed to calm her down whenever she was freaking out about any baby bullshit none of us really understood. Or cared to understand. And also, he'd defended her from the beginning and got Emmett to stop being a dick, so I think they had some unspoken bond or something.

I don't really know what she was thinking. I mean, yeah, he was pro-baby and everything, but she'd obviously forgotten about all the other dumb shit that Edward did on a daily basis. The excessive marijuana use, for example. Him piercing her fake baby's ears, locking the dog in the bathroom, taking it upon himself to draw on and paint other peoples belongings. I didn't even ask.

Plus, he hadn't said much. Rosalie was clenching the shit out of his poor, tatted up arm, and he just stood there, all calm and inquisitive, not even phased by all the craziness. For some reason, right then, his tranquility turned me on. He was just so chill. Always.

Then, I remembered I was in a hospital room while my best friend was about two minutes from giving birth and I felt like some kind of perverted sicko.

I, unlike Edward, was turning green and feeling woozy because Rosalie forced me to look and tell her what it was like, since she was afraid to see it herself. She was feeling emotional over the fact that her lady parts were being “expanded”. Which brought me to where I was at the moment. Standing at the end of her hospital bed, looking over the doctor's shoulder, my hand over my mouth and about to cry/regurgitate at the sight of the baby crowning. Good god, I loved doing it with Edward and everything, but that scene was so traumatizing to me, I almost took a vow of celibacy. I probably should've been born a male because I just didn't get it.

Although, I had to give Rosalie props. Despite how evil she was being to us, she wasn't screaming or crying or complaining about the pain. Just doing her stupid breathing exercises and cutting off the circulation in my boyfriend's arm. I have no idea how she was being so damn brave and tough because I was having sympathy pains and they were hurting me. It must have been the drugs. She was probably numb.

The doctor instructed her to start pushing again, and the room went silent besides for the nurse's steady counting and what I think was Rose`s teeth grinding together. I stood there in shock, just watching, until I couldn't anymore. Which was when I looked up at Edward, who had his mouth buried in the crease of his elbow, trying not to laugh.

“What?” I mouthed, not understanding what the fuck was funny at that point. He chuckled a little, and once the nurse got to ten Rose snapped her head toward him and kind of growled.

“What the hell are you laughing at?” she asked, not amused.

“Bella looks like she's gonna pass out,” he mumbled, shaking his head at me. “You're pale. Maybe you should stand up here.”

I walked over to the side of the bed and pushed Edward away, taking his spot next to her. They let Rosalie breathe for a couple seconds before they made her start pushing again, and Edward just stood behind me and yawned in my ear before resting his chin on my shoulder.

“The miracle of birth is kind of boring,” he whispered, making me giggle.

“You two are ridiculous.” Rosalie rolled her eyes and grabbed my forearm, digging her nails into it as she started pushing again.

Even during childbirth, the bitch looked pretty. Alice had pulled her hair out of her face and she wasn't even sweating or anything. It was weird.

Emmett hadn't said a word for quite some time. I think he was overwhelmed. He looked over at Edward a couple times, clearly terrified, but I think it was more of the whole prospect of being a father than the actual process of the baby being born. He'd been avoiding the reality of it all a little bit, and I'm almost positive that right then, it all kind of hit him.

“Uh… do you want pictures?” Edward asked suddenly, holding up a camera. “Esme left this in here-”

“Get that camera out of my face, Edward, or I'm smashing it against your skull.” Rosalie cut him off, and the poor nurse finally let out a tiny laugh. She was most likely quitting her job after us.

After the last push, the baby's entire head was visible from where we were standing. Edward gasped and shoved my shoulder, as if it wasn't right there in front of my face. It scared me, so I just kept looking at Rose's head, and Emmett, and spinning around to look at Edward, who's mouth was hanging open in shock. He was far too at ease with the whole thing.

Finally, after what seemed like ten years, Rosalie gave one last push and the baby was out, all purple and slimy just like I'd imagined it would be. All at once, Emmett started calming her down and rubbing her head and being super cute and emotional. After seeing the two of them, I felt a lump in my throat. Rosalie broke down and started crying, and Edward got excited and flew over next to the doctor so he could see it.

“You got lucky, Rose,” he said, chuckling a little bit. “It's a girl.”

That just made her cry more. “Why isn't she crying?” Rose asked between her sobs, as Emmett cut the cord. Edward walked back over to me and squeezed my hand quickly.

“She's fine,” the nurse said. “She's just shell-shocked.” They whisked the baby away, and Rose and Emmett watched intently as the nurses took care of her.

“Um… we're going to go wait outside,” I said, suddenly feeling intrusive. “Congratulations.”

I kissed her forehead and hugged her for awhile, as Edward went over and talked to Emmett. Eventually, the two of us walked into the hallway and Edward let out a huge sigh, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes in the process.

“It feels so weird that the baby is born,” he said. “So anti-climatic. Are you crying?” I shrugged and wiped my cheeks, not understanding why I felt so emotional. It was just a little, gooey baby that wasn't even mine.

“I think I'm overwhelmed,” I said, sniffling. Edward laughed and threw his arm over my shoulder, before kissing my temple. “Am I weird?”

“No. You've been pretty involved in this whole thing. Probably more than anyone else.”

“Why aren't you crying, then? You were involved to.”

“Uh, I don't cry,” Edward said, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away my tears. “And all I did was stand around and observe. Throw my opinion out here and there, which everyone ignored most of the time because you all think I`m retarded. You were there, with her, the whole time.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I just didn't know that I actually… cared. Ugh, I'm such an awful person.” I wrapped my arm around his elbow as we walked back to the waiting room to meet everyone else.

“No you're not. You're just… young and you had no idea what was happening. You did your best to help your friend. That's what counts. Who gives a shit how dysfunctional the last couple months have been? Everything worked out, right?”

I nodded and Edward and smiled. “Yeah, I guess you're right. There's one thing I know for sure, though. We need to write whatever company made those drugs she was on a thank you note. Things could've been so much worse. I mean, they make it look way more agonizing in movies.”

“I wanted to see more.” I have no idea why Edward sounded disappointed that he hadn't caught an eyeful of Rosalie's crotch. “Like when it comes out. It must look so crazy.”

“Crazy? Uh, no. Try… icky.”

“I guess I'll just have to wait for you.” He laughed as I gave him a look that signified I was about to junk punch him.

When we pushed through the doors, the four of them jumped up from their chairs excitedly and ran over to meet us.

“What happened?” Alice asked, practically jumping out of her skin.

“She had a girl,” I said quietly, smiling at them. “Everything's fine. We just wanted to let them be alone for a little while.”

Esme and Alice jumped around and hugged each other excitedly, and Carlisle pulled Edward to the side to talk to him. I sat down and sighed, overwhelmed with emotion. So much had happened in the past couple days, it was almost too much to process. My brain couldn't catch up.

Since Edward and I had been in the room when she delivered, we let everyone else go in and visit first. The two of us took a walk to the cafeteria, since I couldn't even remember when the last time I'd eaten was.

“What do you want?” he asked me. I looked into the cooler tiredly and frowned.

“Yogurt,” I answered pointing at the one I wanted. “And coffee. The biggest size they have.”

He laughed and looked over his shoulder at the empty tables in the center of the room. “Just… go sit down. I'll get it for you.”

I stood on my tiptoes and kissed the corner of his mouth to thank him, before going to sit down. From my seat, I watched as he ignored my request and started piling a bunch of shit onto a tray. When he was done paying, he walked over and dropped the tray on the middle of the table with a sigh and smirked at me.

“You need more than yogurt and coffee. I haven't seen you eat anything the whole time I've been here.” I grabbed a banana and started peeling it, letting my eyes shoot up every couple of seconds to meet Edward's. “What?” he asked, his cheeks turning red. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“I like looking at you.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, staring down at the table and scratching his head. “It's kind of shitty that our first day back together was spent in a hospital.”

“Well,” I said, shrugging. “We're a weird couple. Whatever.”

“So… does that mean you no longer consider weird to be a bad thing?”

I knew the dual meaning behind Edward's question. Looking back, I must've called him weird or bizarre or odd or strange more times than was necessary. I made a mental note to stop saying things like that, since clearly, he took it to heart. “Special” was a good substitute.

“Of course not,” I answered, taking a bite of my banana. “I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I love the way you are. I love the way I am when I'm with you. Weird is a good thing, in my book.”

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't realize something was… off with Edward. I mean, he was perfect to me, and I basically fawned over his every move. His little traits, that had become endearing to me, were most likely something bigger. Not being able to verbalize his emotions, the social awkwardness, his lack of empathy when it came to some of the things he said. I didn't bring it up, and I most likely never would, because it didn't matter to me why he was the way he was; I adored him, regardless.

He looked down at the tray with a grin and popped a grape into his mouth before looking up at me. “You're still looking at me.”

“I know.”

“Well, stop it. You're embarrassing me.”

“There's no one around,” I said, turning my head in both directions to emphasize my point. “Edward? What'd you do when we were apart?”

The smile faded from his face and he shrugged. “I moped around, painted, smoked all day, and kept myself locked in my room. Oh, and I ate a lot. Look, I have a gut.” He pulled his shirt up and poked at his stomach but all I saw was some bronze happy trail and the top of his boxers. I was obsessed.

“You have no gut. And, that doesn't really sound different from what you regularly did, by the way.”

“Are you serious? I don't usually mope. Or lock myself in my room. The smoking and painting, yes… whatever, Bella. What the hell did you do? Besides try and steal the crib away.”

“Um, I cried a lot, you dumb fuck.” I pulled my hand away from him and pretended to pay attention to my banana. “I missed you, so so much. I was so emo, even Rosalie was trying to talk me into going back to you.”

“So, what took so long?” he asked. He put his finger under my chin and tilted my head up, forcing me to look at him.

I chewed my bite and gulped it down, afraid the truth was going to start some kind of argument. “You lied to me. I didn't think you'd ever do anything wrong to me, and then I saw those pictures, and you lied, and I drew the conclusion that I must not have known you as well as I thought I did. I was waiting, every single day, for you to come and talk to me and prove to me that I was wrong about you… but you never did. I just felt like you didn't care.”

“That's crazy,” Edward said, dropping his hand and tugging lightly on a piece of my hair. “Of course I cared. I messed up, and I felt stupid. I didn't know what to do. I don't deal with confrontation well. You told me to leave you alone; so I did.”

“So, then you were really upset? You really did miss me too? I wasn't just miserable by myself while you were off living your life, smoking your brains away and having some other girl lick your piercing? You thought about me, too?”

He laughed and shook his head. “I thought about you every single day, all day long. I was miserable too.”

“And no one else touched the frenny?”

“No, no one else touched it! It was like, a month Bella! Look at how long it took for us to fool around. What do you think, I just go around flashing people my dick and asking them to touch it? I'm not exactly Rico Suave, if you couldn't tell.”

I giggled and shot out of my chair, running around to the other side of the table to jump into Edward's lap. “Don't ever do anything like that to me again.”

“Don't ever doubt how much I love you again,” he answered, kissing my lips roughly. He pulled away and smiled, scrunching his nose and touching the side of my neck with his fingertips. “You never got the tattoo. Wuss.”

“I'm not a wuss. I'll get it soon. Whatever you want me to.”

“Whatever I want?” His eyes lit up and I quickly retracted my statement. Knowing him, I'd end up with a pot leaf, or a dragon, or like… a dog bone.

“Whatever you want within reason,” I clarified, getting a chuckle out of him. “Let's hurry up and finish eating. I want to see the baby without the goo.”

After we finished, I was so stuffed Edward had to practically drag my ass to the elevator. Food made me sleepy. When we got into Rosalie's room, everyone was still in there, ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the… well, it wasn't a fetus anymore. It was a little, tiny, human. So strange.

“Let me hold it,” Edward said, squatting down next to Emmett. He was sitting in a chair next to the bed, and Rosalie was trying hard not to fall asleep. But, she was smiling so… that was a good sign.

Emmett got up and let Edward sit down before awkwardly handing him the baby.

“Did you name her?” I asked. Rose nodded and pointed at Emmett.

“We compromised,” she said. “Emmelie. It's like… Emmett and Rosalie mixed together.”

“Tricky,” Edward whispered, not looking up from the baby. “Bella, come here. Look at her.”

I walked over and kneeled in front of Edward's chair so that I could stare at the baby. She was so precious. She was so tiny, and pink and… soft. She looked like a doll. It was amazing that a night of drunken, wanton sex and a case of strep throat could produce something so astonishing.

Edward was so fucking adorable with the baby. The robobabies pissed me off to no end, and I didn't find it endearing then, but seeing him there, just holding the baby and looking at it, all amazed… he was so perfect. I was so lucky. We all were.

“Bella?” I spun around when I heard Rose's voice and nodded. “Um… do you think you can do me one more favor?”

“Sure,” I said with a sigh. “I may fall asleep before I can get to it, but go ahead.”

“All the baby stuff, that's at our house… do you think you guys can bring most of it to Emmett's? Just toss whatever you can in the car and leave it in the nursery? You don't have to make it look nice, just bring it there.”

“Of course,” I said, nodding.

“Thank you. And get some sleep.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “I can come back as soon as I'm done.”

Rosalie shook her head and forced a smile. “No. You've done so much for me already, Bella. I know I was awful to you a lot of the time, but… thank you. I don't know what would've happened to me if you weren't around to help me through this. Especially with everything that was going on in your own life-” She looked at Edward and rolled her eyes playfully. “You always did what you could for me. I owe you so much.”

“No, you don't,” I said, waving my hand. “I just did what was right. Or… what I thought was right?”

“I don't think you realized everything that happened because of you and Edward. You guys helped all of us out. So, go home, relax, come back when you want. I'll be fine. Emmett's not allowed to leave this room.”

“I just want a magazine,” he said with a groan. “Edward, bring me back a magazine. And a sandwich. And get up and give me my baby back.”

“No, I like her, she's so cool,” Edward looked up at me and smiled. “Hold her, Bella.”

Edward stood up at stuck out his hands, but I recoiled and held up my palms. “Wait! I don't know how to hold her. What if I hurt her? What if I drop her? Oh my god, I should've gone to the baby classes too. I'm such a dipshit. Don't I have to do something with her head?”

Edward stared at me blankly. “Bella, shut the fuck up for a second. Jesus, you're hurting my brain. Just put your arms the way mine are. You're not going to drop her. Unless you're a huge idiot, which you aren't.”

Emmett helped me out a little bit, but eventually, they placed the baby in my arms, and… oh my god. I wanted to keep her. She smelled so good, and as soon as I let myself get comfortable holding her, she closed her eyes and fell right asleep. Edward stood next to me and watched intently, smiling at me whenever I looked up at him. He was probably proud I wasn't completely incompetent and managed to hold the baby without killing it, considering how awful I'd been with Edward Jr.

Eventually, against my will, I handed the baby off to Esme, and Edward and I started for the parking lot.

“We need to take your car,” I told him. “I drove Emmett's Jeep here.”

It had been a long time since I rode in the Volvo. As tired as I was, I was so happy that Edward and I were finally back together, finally alone, and finally going somewhere comfortable, that I forced myself to stay awake so that I could appreciate every single second of being with him. He yawned over and over again while he drove, and he looked so tired, but so sexy. I'd forgotten just how hot he was in person during the time we'd spent apart.

My heart started beating out of my chest when we got close to home. I don't know why. Probably because I was excited about the fact that that day was like... the official start of our new relationship or something. We were secure, and happy, and ready to start over, without the baby shenanigans bogging us down. I felt relieved.

Plus, I mean, I was also excited at the prospect of us being alone together all day and “reconnecting.” By reconnecting, I mean diddling Edward's privates for a good couple of hours.

He pulled into my driveway and looked over at me with a sigh. “We made it here without dying. I think I drifted off a couple times.”

“Great,” I said with a laugh shaking my head. “Come on. Let's go inside.”

*

Chapter 17: Showering & Sleeping

Um, so... this is slightly graphic but it's for all you perverts who have been complaining about lack of frenny anddd I'm tired so idk what the point of this A/N is... OH YEAH- when the story is over, you will know. IDK why people keep asking me? Whatever. Smeyer owns TWI, I just give her characters genital piercings and make them curse.

We weren't even five steps in the door before I got the uncontrollable urge to jump on Edward like a damn rodeo bull. I leapt onto him unexpectedly and he fell to the ground, banging his head against the wood floor in the process.

“Oww, Betty! My fucking head…” He groaned and rubbed the back of his noggin with his hand as I attacked his lips with mine and tried ripping off his tight, thin t-shirt, to no avail.

“Come on, Edward,” I whined, shoving his shoulders and pinning him to the ground. “Take it off!”

“Hold on. I think you gave me a concussion.”

I straddled his lap and sat up straight as he stuck his fingers around my belt loops and clenched one eye shut, trying to regain his composure or something. Clearly, he was too tired for my rabid horniness. His reflexes were a little sluggish.

“We have time, you know,” he reminded me, as he sat up and kissed my forehead. “I think I can perform better after a nap.”

“You don't have to do anything. Just get it up and I'll do all the work.”

“That's great,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “At least I know for a fact you weren't out getting laid during the breakup. I doubt you'd be so eager right now if you had.”

“Not to mention, you stole my vibrator,” I reminded him, squinting to show my displeasure. “That wasn't cool.”

“Oh, yeah. I wanted you to do something with that. While I watched.” I laughed and pulled his glasses off, chucking them behind my head. “Come on, those are new. Emmett broke my last ones in a pique of rage.”

“I want to see your eyes.” I kissed the tip of his nose and stared at him for a little while, noticing that he kept blinking incessantly to keep his eyes from closing. “Ughhh,” I grumbled, giving up. “You're too tired. Let's shower and lay down.”

“Together?” he asked, yawning yet again.

“Yeah.”

“Fine. Don't pounce on me again, though. That hurt.”

“You're a wuss.” I climbed off of him and helped him off the ground before running up the stairs to my bathroom and turning on the shower. Edward trailed behind me and closed the door when he walked in, raising an eyebrow and smirking at me.

“Okay, strip,” he ordered. “Make this worth my while.”

I stared blankly at him for a minute and did nothing before he shrugged his shoulders and walked over to me, unbuttoning my fly and pulling down the zipper quickly. He kneeled in front of me and pulled my jeans down to the ground, and then bit down on my underwear and yanked them with his teeth. It was sexy.

“You do the rest,” he said, standing up and pulling off his t-shirt. “I'm too sleepy.”

I bit down on my bottom lip and smiled as I pulled my shirt over my head, not wanting to take my eyes off him. He was so adorable, all shirtless with his little boxer briefs hanging out of his ratty, tattered jeans that hung super low on his hips because he was so skinny and… damn it. I got in the shower because there were too many sharp corners around and suddenly I had the libido of a teenage boy. If I didn't turn away, I was going to go against his wishes and maul him, and one of us would most likely be headed back to the hospital for stitches.

Edward stepped into the shower behind me a little while later, and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled my back into his chest. “Can you wash my hair?” he asked into my ear, chuckling.

“Only if you let me touch it,” I compromised, reaching my hand back to try and grab him.

“What do you mean by it?”

“The frenny!”

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, spinning me around and shaking his head. “What is with the obsession with the piercing?”

“I love it,” I explained. “I missed it and I want it in my mouth.”

His eyes widened a little and he chuckled uncomfortably, his cheeks turning red. “You're out of control, but... go ahead. It's all yours.”

I smiled mischievously and stuck my arm out, grabbing him in my hand gently and sliding my fingertip along the ridge until it got to the tiny barbell, which I fiddled with for a second, causing him to groan.

“You said your mouth,” he breathed, wrapping his lips around my earlobe.

“Shut up. Let me enjoy this.”

I put my palms flat against his chest and pressed my lips against his sternum, before sliding down, making a trail with the tip of my tongue. I circled his bellybutton when I reached it, and then nibbled my way down his happy trail as I knelt down in front of him.

Edward's hands were in my hair before my mouth was even on him, which wasn't shocking. He was Edward, and he was strange and not to mention, really drowsy, but he was still a typical, horny guy in his sexual peak. It made my job easy.

I took a deep breath and placed my tongue on the underside of him, running it from the base to his head, circling it slowly and flicking the piercing a couple of times before sucking it between my lips and tugging gently. At that point, Edward cursed under his breath and tightened his grip around the handful of my hair, which got me even more turned on and kind of made me laugh. I loved getting him all worked up and breaking him out of his carefree, blasé shell. The only times he did that were when we were partaking in anything sexual or when we were hardcore fighting.

I closed my eyes and wrapped my lips around his tip and took all of him in my mouth, which elicited a little grunt and caused him to jerk a little. He was all wet from the shower so my mouth slid up and down easily and I concentrated on my tongue, letting it touch the ring every time I passed it. He groaned again and pushed down on my head, so I added my hand into the mix and within minutes he was contracting into my mouth, and saying my name all angry and aggressive between his clenched teeth.

He was so fucking hot. I couldn't even take it.

I stood up and lowered the temperature of the water a little bit because all the pierced-peen BJ-ing made me hot, and Edward grabbed my waist and yanked me toward him, kissing my neck and my shoulders and my cheek and… not my mouth. It was understandable, so whatever.

He cracked his knuckles and spun me around before slamming me against the shower wall and pinning my arms above my head by my wrist.

“I liked that, Bella,” he said, his voice raspy and deep and… so sexy.

I moaned a little and pushed off the wall to press my hips into his body and he laughed into my neck. I didn't see what was funny. I was positive if he didn't do me up against that wall within the next couple seconds, I was going to combust or die due to an unhealthily excessive amount of arousal.

“Calm down.” He put his hand flat against my stomach and pushed my back into the wall with little effort.

“Can you kiss me?” I asked, my eyes temporarily preoccupied with his wet, pouting lips. There was a drop of water in the middle of the bottom one that I wanted to taste.

“Can you gargle?”

I rolled my eyes and turned my head to the stream of water, filling up my mouth and gurgling obnoxiously. Then, I spit out the water and opened my mouth wide to show his all of his spunk was gone. Very attractive, I know.

Edward was still a little wary, because all he did was brush his lips across mine a couple times as he played with my boobs and made my body squirm. I don't know how he managed to get me so turned on with those dirty, artist hands, but if it wasn't from practicing with massive amounts of other chicks, he must've done some serious research. Boyfriend knew his business, and he knew it well.

He leaned his forehead against mine and pushed my head back into the wall with a thump as I felt his free hand, that wasn't still holding my arms above my head, slide down my body and stop between my legs. He cupped his hand around me and rubbed in all the right places with the heel of his palm as I panted into his ear and begged him to just impale me.

“Just do me,” I pleaded, causing him to laugh.

“No.”

“Why? Please. Please, Edward, just-”

“Shut up!” He laughed again and kissed underneath my chin as I huffed. “Bella, I'm tired, I'll fall if I try holding you up and humping you against this wall, and I just went two minutes ago. I couldn't do you if I tried. Let me breathe for a second.”

I sighed in defeat and scowled, but he tilted his head into my ear and hissed quietly.

“You're so wet,” he whispered against my lips. “Just let me touch you.”

My mouth dropped open in shock and I stared at him, wide eyed. “Edward! What the hell? You never say dirty things to me!”

“I do sometimes. Why, do you not like it?”

I shook my head and gulped. “I like it.”

“Cool. Now, shut up and let me work my magic.” With that, I felt him slip his fingers inside me as he keep working outside with the tip of his thumb, and he was right; it was magical. I swear I wanted to slam my thick fucking head against the wall for breaking up with him and missing out on all of that for weeks and weeks. Idiot.

I watched Edward's face as he concentrated, and he was so adorable that I almost forgot about what he was doing. His lips were separated just a little bit, and I could see his tongue, and he kept looking at my face and then looking down because he was so self-conscious. I craned my neck forward and bit down on his bottom lip, and I let a heavy breath escape from my nose so he knew how good he was making me feel. Then, I moved my mouth down to his shoulder and kissed the lines of his tattoo, nibbled along the side of his neck, and rested my mouth against his ear so I could whisper dirty things into it and make him laugh.

It was only a matter of time before my body gave into him, and I convulsed in his hand, my body shuddering as he smiled at me and watched me. He stared at my face the whole time, and in one way it made me panic, and in another way it turned me on even more because he was just so fucking perfect. He was so good at everything he did, but so modest and awkward. It was endearing.

After our ridiculously long shower, we both got out and dried off, and Edward stood in the bathroom, the towel hanging low around his waist, looking down at the floor.

“What's the matter?” I asked him.

“I don't want to put those dirty clothes back on. I've been wearing them for like, two days.”

“Stay in your towel,” I told him. “I'll wash them.” I picked up his pile of clothes from the floor, dirty boxer-briefs and all, and walked into my room. “You can sleep,” I told him, pointing at my bed. “I'm just going to throw these in the wash.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled. “Can you get my glasses too?”

I rolled my eyes and flew down the stairs to the laundry room. I hated doing laundry. Usually I just paid Alice to do mine, but for some reason, I didn't mind doing it for Edward. I didn't really mind doing anything for Edward. After I grabbed his dorky glasses from the floor, I ran back upstairs to find him standing in front of my dresser, squinting at pictures of us that were taped to my mirror.

“Give me,” he said, opening and closing his hand so I'd give him his glasses. He slipped them on his face and looked at the pictures again, laughing quietly.

“What is funny, Edward? The fact that you look like you belong in a magazine in those pictures and I look like I need a hairbrush?”

“You left them up,” he said quietly, spinning toward me. “We were broken up and you left them up.”

“I know. I was in denial.”

He smiled and laughed to himself before yawning, yet again. “I'm scared to meet your dad,” he said, quickly changing the subject. “He's a cop. What if he brings one of those drug dogs with him-”

“Shut up,” I interrupted, shaking my head and giggling at him. “It'll be fine. Turn on your little smarty act like you did at the gallery.”

He rolled his eyes and dropped onto my bed with a huff. “Oh, yeah. Our first fight. Way to bring that up.”

“That wasn't even a fight,” I argued. “Okay, honestly? Charlie will be wary. I mean, on first glance, you have visible tattoos, and you usually have paint in your hair and a bong in your hand. You're kind of like… the prime example of guys my parents have told me to stay away from. Tattoos, piercings, drugs... lack of personal hygiene."

Edward sneered and flipped over my blanket so I could crawl in next to him. “I have personal hygiene! When do I ever smell bad?"

"You don't, you just look like you do."

"Thanks for the encouragement, Bella.”

“Let's just be lucky your piercing isn't visible.”

“Yeah,” Edward agreed. “And let's make sure Emmett isn't around to rat me out again.”

I sighed and put my head on Edward's chest as I yawned.

“Edward… my parents couldn't have chosen someone better suited for me if they tried. You're sweet, you're funny, you're so smart, you come from a good family… you're loaded.” I coughed when I said the last part, and he yanked a piece of my hair. “And you're good to me. I mean, that's all that matters, right?”

I leaned my head back to look at him and he nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. Stop talking and go to sleep.”

*

“Christ almighty, how much shit did Alice buy her?” Edward stared down at the tons of baby crap that was organized into piles in the middle of Rosalie's room, shaking his head in disbelief. “This is not all going to fit into the Volvo. There's no way in hell. She doesn't need this, right? Does she need this?”

He picked up some huge contraption from the floor with tubes coming out of it and glared at me.

“Um, I don't know what that is so… I'm gonna go with no. We'll just stuff what we can in the trunk and that'll be good for now. I'm going to pack a bag with some stuff for her, too. I don't know when she'll be back here.”

Edward stood up and dropped the contraption on the floor carelessly, smirking at me. “You're going to have an extra bedroom now. Let's turn it into a library! Or like… a billiards room. No, wait- an aquarium.”

I stared at him blankly and shook my head. “What the hell are you talking about?” He shrugged and picked up a duffle bag that I'd dumped some of the piles into. “I can't live in this place without her. I barely afford rent as it is.”

“Oh… shit.” Edward scratched his chin as he thought about it. “I can pay-”

“No.” I cut him off before he could even finish his sentence. “No. We'll find another place. It's not hard… right?”

“Uh, I don't know? Does Rosalie know that you two are going to have to leave?”

“No. It's fine, I don't want to sway her from her decision. She needs to be there with him. They have to give it a chance.”

Edward smirked and pinched my cheek playfully. “You're such an unselfish grown up, Betty.”

“Yeah. I guess I'm not such an incompetent brat after all.”

“You can always come stay with me and Jasper,” he offered halfheartedly. “We have lots of room. And beer.”

“No, thanks. I hate your dog. Oh, and I don't want all my stuff stinking like ganja.”

“Oh, excuse me. Prude.” I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed it up. “I'll look around for you. Don't worry about that now. Let's worry about getting the entire inventory of Buy Buy Baby into the Volvo.”

After we finished packing up Edward's too-tiny car, he went on for the entire ride about how much he disliked Rosalie. It was hilarious.

“I don't get it. You buy her all the shit. Then, as if that isn't enough, you have to be the one to tow it around town?”

I shrugged and stared out the window as we pulled into Emmett's apartment complex. “It kills me how you're all easygoing with everything and everyone, but she manages to get you so worked up without even trying. What happened to take things in stride?”

“I think it's the lack of sleep,” he mumbled as he opened his door. I had to stop myself from dribbling when he got out of the car and his shirt rode up and I saw his huge 1987 tattoo that was stretched across his back and… unf.

We lugged everything inside and Edward purposely threw it in the middle of the nursery as sloppily as possible because he was being grumpy and spiteful, like a toddler. Before we walked out, I stopped and pointed at one of the pictures that was on the wall. It was a candid picture of me and Edward laughing at something Edward Jr. did. I think I remember him burping or something like that.

“I can't believe you guys had all these pictures. Alice, too. You're all so sneaky.”

“I know.” Edward chuckled and looked around the room. “Didn't we do such a good job in here?”

“Yeah, I like your psychedelic Disney characters. If Emmelie grows up to be a dirty hippie that does magic mushrooms all day long, we know who to blame.”

“Shut up.” He shoved me gently and turned the light off before walking out. “I think it looks cool.”

“Are you sure you don't want to do it on Emmett's bed or something before we go back to that hell hole?”

He gave me a dirty look and shook his head. “You're wearing me out.”

Edward started going through a stack of Emmett's old newspapers that were near the door, pulling out the sections he was interested in, which mostly consisted of crossword puzzles and the Arts segments.

“What a baby. We have to make up for our months of redundant celibacy.”

“Not in other people's houses and public places. That's just… distasteful.”

I laughed at him as we walked back to the car, pinching his butt and tickling him along the way. He tried swatting me away, but eventually gave in and started laughing with me.

“Isabella Swan… I want to marry you one day.”

I winked at him and nodded. “I know. One day a long, long time from now.”

“As long as your dad doesn't shank me during or after this future meeting,” he said, raising his eyebrows questionably.

“Shank you? Probably not. He may rough you up a little bit, though.”

“That's okay.” He shrugged and opened my door for me before walking around the car and getting in on his side. “I can hold my own down for my lady.”

“No you can't. You're skinny and slow. Anyway, I'm just kidding. Charlie will like you.” Eventually. I said that little part in my head to keep him from worrying.

“Yeah, yeah.” He fiddled with the radio as he lost interest, but he kept looking over at me and smiling every couple of seconds and it was just so fucking cute. I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes the rest of the ride, because everything felt so good at that moment, and I wanted to enjoy it for what it was.

*

Chapter 18: Baby Prints & Daddy Dinners

-One Month Later-

I woke up to Edward's lips brushing the side of my neck, right near my hairline. I couldn't help but start smiling like an some kind of incompetent, lovesick moron. Ever since I compromised and got the stupid tattoo, he'd tried to hide how excited it made him, but little things like that made it clear how much he appreciated it. I turned over onto my side quickly and my boobs grazed his bare chest. And then I winced.

“Oww. They still hurt, Edward.”

He laughed and touched one of the little barbells with his fingertip and shrugged. “They look so good, though.”

“I look like a porn star.”

“A hot one,” he argued, kissing my forehead. I turned and looked over at Edward's alarm clock and shot out of bed, cursing as the blankets caught on my stupid porno-looking tits.

Yeah, I may have also gotten a piercing… or two. Also Edward's brilliant idea. Being that he admittedly had me on a short leash, I agreed. Well, we had each other on short leashes. Ever since the blowout that we do not speak of, we'd been attached to each other at the genitals. I didn't see things changing anytime soon.

I threw a loose t-shirt on, being that I'd taken up not wearing a bra since it was more painful than childbirth. Or at least, what I assumed childbirth to be like after witnessing that beautifully gag-worthy miracle. Then, I dumped my overnight bag out on Edward's bed to look for a clean pair of underwear and he laughed and reached for his glasses on his nightstand, not even bothering to get out of bed.

“Edward, stop laughing and get up! Rose is going to be here any minute and you know how she gets-”

“Calm down,” he said, rolling out of bed tiredly and stretching. I found my underwear, but I just kind of stood there with them in my hand because he was naked and stretching and so skinny and awkwardly hot and… umpf.

“Stop looking at me,” he mumbled, cupping his package and closing one eye as he looked around the floor for his boxers. I spotted them haphazardly hanging off the corner of his dresser, but I didn't say anything because I thought it was funny. We'd gotten a little out of hand the night before. I laughed as I stepped into my underwear, and he rolled his eyes at me before scratching his head a couple of times.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and I gasped. I ran down the stairs and slid across the wood floor as I got to the front door. As I yanked it open, Rosalie looked me up and down, shaking her head as she adjusted the designer diaper bag that Esme had given to her on her shoulder.

“What the fuck are you wearing?” she asked as she stepped inside, handing me Emmelie with a sneer.

“Uh… I accidentally slept in.”

“You two make me sick. Especially you,” she said, scrunching her nose at Edward as he walked down the stairs in just his boxers, one hand down his pants and the other one scratching his head still. He reached for Emmelie and Rosalie slapped his arm and stood in between us.

“No. Hell no. You were just scratching your balls. Go wash your hands.” I started laughing uncontrollably as Edward gave her a dirty look and stomped into the kitchen. “It's not funny, Bella! He is not to touch my baby after he's painted, or pet the dog, or smoked, or touched his nasty pierced crotch. You are not to touch my baby after you've touched his nasty pierced crotch. Understand?”

Rosalie was a Momzilla. I didn't want to piss her off, so I stopped laughing and nodded my head.

“I've watched her before, Rose. She's still alive, and free of Edward's frenum germs. Chill out.”

I cooed at Emmelie, who'd woken up with all the yelling and laugher, and I kissed the tip of her nose which in turn, made her sneeze in my face.

“Ugh.” I handed her to Edward as he walked back into the room and wiped off the baby spit with the sleeve of my shirt. Rosalie started praying under her breath, and cursing, which in my opinion negated the praying.

“I should've just asked Alice,” she said, dropping the bag on Edward's sofa.

“Just so you know, Alice and Jasper had sex while they were watching your baby. She was in the room and she wasn't even sleeping.”

“I don't care,” Rose mumbled tiredly, her eyes shooting back and forth between me and Edward. “Who told you this?”

“Edward,” I confessed, pointing at him. He huffed and elbowed me in the back with his free arm that wasn't full of baby.

“Okay, just… don't say anything else until I leave this house. I don't even want to know. Also, please don't have sex instead of watching my child.”

“Will do,” Edward said, moving Emmelie's hand up and down in a forced wave as Rose headed for the door. Once she was out of sight, we both sighed in relief. “She wasn't so bad today.”

“Agreed.”

It was true. The first time she left the baby alone with us, she came an hour early to explain every little miniscule, unimportant detail to us. Edward was struggling to stay awake halfway through her lecture.

The second time she left her with us, she made sure to point out more than once that somehow Emmelie had some millimeter sized scratch on her cheek which, in turn, was a result of us not watching her closely enough. It looked like a spec of dust. Edward was convinced Rose had gone clinically insane.

The third time she was supposed to leave her with us, she walked into Edward's condo, claimed it smelled like pot when really it was just her imagination since he hadn't smoked in weeks, and she walked back out and took her to Alice, giving both of us the finger before she left.

So, there we were, numero cuatro, and shockingly enough there were no lectures or inappropriate gestures or screaming. Just some swearing and blatant insults, but we were used to that. I think in her own, sick way, it meant she was getting more comfortable leaving her with us.

“Let's just put her in the seat and go back to sleep,” I suggested, rubbing her forehead with the tip of my finger. Her eyes started closing and Edward smirked, because I'm pretty sure he was impressed by how much contact I was able to have with the baby without physically damaging it.

“We can't just leave her in the seat all day. Once she's asleep for a little while I'll put her in it.”

Edward sat down on the couch and threw his skinny legs up on the coffee table, adjusting the baby so that he was holding her against his chest. I kneeled down on the cushion next to him and scratched the back of his head, because he was just so damn adorable I wanted to squeeze him.

He was so good with Emmelie, as much as Rose tried to deny it. Whenever we were all together, Edward was the first one she'd hand the baby to. Well, after Emmett of course. Since he'd started working though, she'd been alone more than usual, so Alice and I kept offering to take care of the baby so she wouldn't be overwhelmed. I didn't mind doing it, because Edward was always with me and he did pretty much everything.

After a little while, Emmelie fell asleep and I managed to force Edward into letting go of her for five minutes. We laid together on the sofa, still mostly undressed and not giving a fuck. I'd taken up spending most of my time over the newly cleaned condo, and Jasper had been up Alice's ass once she took him back, so he was always there. Walking around in our underwear was not unexpected for the two of us.

“Edward?”

“What?”

“What's seventeen down?”

He read the hint and laughed at me, shaking his head in disbelief. “It's boundless. I'm so fucking happy that I finally got one that you didn't know.”

He laughed again and threw the newspaper over his shoulder before wrapping his arms around me and kissing my face repeatedly.

“You taste like wine,” he said, cringing a little bit. I bit down on my bottom lip and tapped the rim of his glasses with my fingertip.

“You taste like cigarettes and whiskey.”

“That's disgusting,” he said with a chuckle, rolling over and knocking us both off the couch and onto the floor. I sat up straight and looked down at him, smiling wide.

“I guess having a baby isn't so bad,” I said, shrugging. “Because, you know, I never could've seen myself with one before. But now… I mean, it's something to look forward to. This is what our life could be like every day.”

“Except I'd have to work. And you'd be fat like Rosalie.” He poked my stomach playfully and I squealed before he clasped his hand over my mouth and shushed me. “Shut up. You'll wake her up.”

“You could just not work and live off your trust fund,” I whispered.

“I don't have a trust fund,” he whispered back.

“Liar.”

“Wait.” He sat up so that we were face to face and he put his fingers in the hair behind my neck. “So… you want to have babies with me?”

“One day,” I said, shrugging. “Like awhile from now. Don't go purposely messing up my birth control or something, because I'll punch you in the junk. I'm just not totally against it anymore-”

“But with me,” he interrupted, raising his eyebrows curiously.

“Of course with you! What the hell, Edward? You're my forever.”

I blushed at my overly cheesy statement, but Edward ate it all up. He smiled and kissed me roughly, and slid his hand up my shirt-

And then Emmelie started crying.

“I'll get her,” he said with a sigh, lifting me from his lap and dragging ass toward the baby.

I took a shower while Edward feed the baby, and then he took one while I got her back to sleep. We had the big meeting with Charlie later that night, and I think Edward peed his pants a little at the thought of it. He'd brought it up repeatedly over the past few days, asking me what to wear, what to say, what to do, what Charlie was like. And I just told him the same thing over and over: who cares? If it were up to me, he would've never met my father, because Edward was mine and I was his and no one's opinions meant shit to me.

But of course, he wanted to be “proper” even though in reality, he was the farthest thing from it. If my father knew what my time spent with Edward was really like- wake up, sex, school, piercings, eating, shower sex, bed- he probably would've chained me to a wall in his house or spent his life savings hiring me a bodyguard or some shit like that. Alas, there were some things he never needed to know. But I guess he did need to meet Edward eventually. Since he was my forever and the future father of my messed up babies and all that.

A couple of hours later, I was attempting to finish a term paper of mine when I realized that Edward had been missing for awhile and the house had gotten quiet. Too quiet. As if he knew I was suspicious, I suddenly heard his voice behind me.

“Bella, come in the kitchen, I need you to help me with something,” he said from the doorway, bobbing Emmelie up and down on his shoulder. He was so adorable with her. It made me want to nail him but then I remembered that I'd promised Rosalie I wouldn't do that. “Oh, first make sure Rose packed an extra change of clothes for her.”

Uh-oh.

After checking the baby bag and fishing out some pink thing with frills and snaps, I headed into the kitchen, where Edward had set up some sort of workstation with paint and paper and… Emmelie's tiny UGG boots and her socks were on the counter. I took a deep breath and put my hand on my forehead as he struggled to roll up her pant leg without waking her up.

“What exactly are you doing?” I asked exasperatedly, even though I wasn't really surprised.

“One day I talked to one of those chicks at the baby classes… you know, after you'd quit, and she was saying how she gotten each of her babies' footprints and handprints set in cement or plaster or some shit and I thought it was cool.”

I stared at him blankly and squinted. “What?”

He sighed and pointed down at a pallet and a tube of purple paint. “I'm an artist. So we're doing it in paint. Just shut up and help me.”

The whole footprint-handprint thing ended up being a fiasco. I insisted that it wasn't a good idea to mix a newborn baby and paint but Edward was unconventional, to say the least. He didn't give a damn. It ended up being sort of fun, and we even made more than one copy so that there was one for each of our apartments.

“Should I be nervous about later?”

I looked over at Edward, who had his fingers wrapped around Emmelie's tiny ankle. He dipped her foot in the little blotch of paint that was on the palette I was holding and wiggled it back and forth to spread it around.

“No,” I answered quickly. Then I thought about it. “Well… no. It'll be fine. Just try not to say anything retarded like you normally would. Don't mention sex, drugs, or anything illegal, and we'll all come out of this alive.”

Edward let out a chuckle and motioned to the countertop with his chin, since both of his hands were occupied by holding the baby.

“Hold that paper still, please.” He pushed her foot against the paper, making a tiny footprint on the last one. I blew on it so the paint would dry quickly as he sighed and lifted her up so her head was near his shoulder, causing paint to smear all over his shirt.

“Edward, look at what you're doing!”

He looked down and shrugged. “It's okay. I have to change before we go to dinner anyway. Should we give her a bath?”

“Probably,” I said, looking down at Edward's little creation and laughing. It was the stupid, little things like that which made me love him just a little bit more every day.

We struggled to give Emmelie a bath and just as we finished redressing her, we heard a knock on the door. Before either of us could answer it, Emmett came bounding into the room, Rosalie in tow. She was laughing at something he'd said, but she stopped when she saw the mess in the kitchen and she held her fist up.

“Edward, what the hell did you do to my child?”

“Shut up,” he said, handing her to Emmett, all fresh and smelling like powder and shampoo and other random baby shit. “Look, we made you a present.”

He held the paper up in front of him like a proud kindergartener showing off his finger-painting or something. Rosalie took a step forward and stared at the picture, her eyes wide, before cracking a smile and snatching it out of his hands.

“This is adorable,” she said quietly, looking down at it and pointing. “She's so tiny.” She put her hand over her mouth and Emmett rubbed the back of her head with his huge hand.

“Don't cry, woman.”

“I'm not.” She handed the paper to Emmett and hugged Edward, and then me, and she sighed in relief. “Thank you, guys… I know I don't say it often enough, but thanks. You do so much for me, and you're both so good with her.”

“I'm not,” I disagreed, shaking my head.

“Yes, you are. I love Alice, don't get me wrong, but without you… I don't know what I would do.”

I clutched her hand quickly and smiled, letting her know it was okay. I did what I had thought was right, and I didn't think twice about it anymore.

*

“Bella?”

“Edward?”

“I should've worn a tie.”

I laughed at him and looked back and forth across the restaurant. “You would've been the only one wearing one, and you would've looked like a moron.”

He tugged at the collar of his v-neck and scratched his chest nervously. “He's going to think I'm a slob.”

“You kind of are a slob,” I said with a giggle. “That's you. Stop it, Edward. Be yourself. You're calm and blasé. You like boring art shit and small, vermin-esque dogs and crossword puzzles and your niece. What's not to love?”

“I know you think you're funny, but you're not,” he said, irritated. He looked down at my wrist and shook his head, most likely wishing the rubber band was still there so he could snap me once or twice. The lack of marijuana in his life had made him a little tense and over-sensitive in certain situations. “I should've popped some acid before I came here or something. I can't do this with a sober mind. He's a cop, Bella! They carry guns, alright? They're allowed to shoot people.”

I frowned at him, and blinked a couple times. “Acid?”

“Yeah! At least if I was tripping balls I'd be finding all this funny right now. That painting on the wall would look like a couple of bunny rabbits instead of the skyline, and I'd be laughing and chill and just being myself instead of about to shit my pants.”

I ignored him and stood up quickly as I spotted Charlie walking toward our table, and Edward followed. When he was only a couple of feet away, I jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly, since I couldn't even remember when the last time I'd seen him was.

“I missed you, Charlie!” I fixed the collar of his shirt and grinned at him. “You look good. How's your hotel?”

“It's great, Bellie.”

I could feel Edward judging me even with my back turned because of my father's childhood nickname.

“Oh… this is Edward.” Dear God. Charlie gave Edward the up and down twice, raised an eyebrow inquisitively, and stuck out his hand while keeping his other hand conveniently placed on the gun in it's freaking holster and squinting. He was such a dick. I was surprised Edward didn't have an aneurism right there as a result of Charlie's death glare. “Um, yeah, this is my dad.”

I mouthed sorry to Edward as he gave me a look that said, “I hope you enjoyed my balls while they lasted because your dad's about to tear them off.”

“It's nice to meet you, uh… Chief Swan.” Edward winced, unsure if he'd addressed Charlie in an appropriate way.

“Nice to meet you too, Edward. You can call me Charlie.”

“Oh… okay.” Edward sat down and put his stupid ass, dorky glasses on so he could read the menu. I put my hand on his knee but he moved it away, still clearly shaken from Charlie's initial intimidation scheme.

“What's wrong with your eyes?” Charlie asked, pointing at his glasses. Such an inappropriate question, but that was Charlie. Rude and mean and blunt and… exactly like me. Shit.

“I just have really severe farsightedness. I've had glasses since I was little.”

Charlie nodded and opened his menu without looking at Edward. “You should look into laser surgery.”

“My mother's been trying to get me to go, but I'm not interested. I don't mind my glasses.”

Charlie looked at him and smiled for the first time. “Hmm. Good for you. Too many people care about their personal vanity.”

“Yeah, Edward doesn't,” I said, quickly responding to his backhanded complement. “Ooh, very cherry margaritas, that sounds tasty.”

The subject change worked for about 12 seconds. Charlie was on a roll. I could already tell it was going to be the longest dinner in the history of awkward-overprotective-dad-meeting dinners within the first 15 minutes. As the night continued, he went on to ask Edward an amazing series of questions that I knew for a fact he pre-planned in the car.

“So you're an Art major, huh? How much does a starving artist typically make per year?”

“Do you practice any type of religion? Because us Swans are strict Catholics and believe sex before marriage is a sin. What do you think?”

“Is that your natural hair color? What nationality are you?”

Christ. The list went on and on. It began to be almost comedic to me. Edward seemed to be taking it all in stride, though. Well, besides for the stomping on my foot every time Charlie insulted him or giving me the hairiest of hairy eyeballs when Charlie's head was turned. I almost wished I'd allowed him to smoke before he left the house because I was pretty positive he was dumping my ass as soon as dinner was over because there was no way he'd want to subject himself to being around Charlie until one of them died.

Little did I know, Charlie's greatest line was yet to come.

“So, what's with all the tattoos? Are you in some kind of a gang or something?”

Edward choked on his water.

“Uh… a gang? Um, no... I'm not. I just like them.”

“Do you have a motorcycle? Because I don't think Bellie should be on the back of a motorcycle. She isn't the most graceful of women, if you know what I mean-”

“Charlie, stop!” I cut him off and slammed my cherry margarita- which needed ten times more tequila, in my opinion- onto the table. “Listen, I'm going to say this once and one time only. Yes, Edward is… not the average kind of guy I would typically bring home. He doesn't make a great first impression and I'm sure you think he's a weirdo. Whatever. I love him. He's the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I've ever met. He'd do anything for me. Isn't that enough? Stop torturing him.”

Charlie stared at both of us for a few seconds, Edward dug his nails into my forearm under the table, I'm pretty sure I bled a little, and then, out of nowhere… there was laughter. And it was coming from my dad. And I was worried he'd lost it for good.

“Bella, calm down. I like him.” He reached over and grabbed Edward's shoulder and shook him all rough and manly and I sighed loudly and chugged the rest of my margarita. “Just as long as she doesn't get any tattoos, everything will be fine between us, Edward.”

Whoops.

*

Chapter 19: Graduations & Happy Endings

Awe, so we've reached the end of our journey with these messes. I just want to thank everyone for reading and for the tons of reviews you left me. I'm glad you guys found this funny and don't think I'm completely insane. Thanks to everyone who nominated this for awards, and who reccommended it to other people, and la la la, I won't keep blabbing, but thanks for it all.

The epilogue is super short, but there really wasn't much left to say, but I'm also posting an outtake after this, which is their first meeting from EPOV. Because soooo many people keep asking me to do OTs in his POV and I didn't want to because I thought he was cooler being all spacey and mysterious and weird, but it was actually easy to do and I think it came out kind of funny, so I hope you laugh, and maybe if you enjoy it and I have time I'll do more.

Also, thanks to Legna for her help with the French so I didn't look like a moron.

SMeyer owns Twilight. Obvs.

Epilogue

“Edward, you stink.”

“Shut up.”

“What'd you do, leave in the middle of the damn graduation ceremony to go get high?”

“Yeah, it was boring,” Edward mumbled, rolling his eyes at me. “Stop looking at me like that. I also went to the bathroom and to get Reeses Cups- Emmilie, cut it out.”

He looked down at his foot, which Emmelie was stepping on. She liked trying to make him angry. Rose and Emmett had short fuses and Edward didn't, so she fucked with him all the time to try and piss him off, like some kind of weird baby instinct she had or something. It was quite comedic.

“Alice, you stand in the middle since you're a midget,” Rosalie ordered, shoving her camera into Emmett's chest. She stood to the left of Alice, and Edward shoved me forward so I could take my spot to her right.

“Can we take the hats off?” I asked, hitting the annoying tassel with my fingers and making it swing back and forth.

“It's a graduation picture, Bella. Wear the hat.” Edward contributed his two cents as he stood there watching with Emmelie, her arms and legs wrapped around his shin, keeping him from moving. He held her still by holding her head with his palm, only half paying attention to her.

We took a couple of pictures of the three of us, and once we were done I started heading back to Edward, which was when Emmelie decided to take off running. He ran after her and lifted her into his arms, throwing her over his shoulder and making her giggle and shriek.

“Stop running away, child. Someone's going to kidnap you.” He walked toward Emmett, who was posing in pictures with Rosalie, and he held her out in front of him. “Take your kid, Emmett. I'm tired of watching her. She's getting too fast.”

Emmelie started whining as soon as Emmett took her, but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. She whined anytime someone separated her from “Unc-Ewer.” It was all very adorable and slightly nauseating at the same time.

“Edward, I told you not to touch my baby after you smoke. Now she's going to smell.”

“No, she's not,” he grumbled with a sigh. He stopped paying attention to Rosalie a long, long time ago.

Edward took off his hat and started screwing with his hair before putting his glasses back on. He spotted Charlie in the crowd and flew toward him, and I watched from a distance as the two of them laughed and talked about something guy-ish and boring like they usually did. Not surprisingly, almost two years of being around Edward had softened Charlie up, and they'd come to enjoy each other a little too much for my comfort. I guess it all worked out though, because it was the only reason why he was allowing me and Edward to finally move in together. And also because he had yet to find out about the tattoo or bodily piercings.

After some discussion, we figured out the perfect career path for Edward. He loved his artsy shit and he loved children- throw them together and you get… an art teacher. Shocking, right? Not really. It was common sense. Anyway, he liked the idea, so he was continuing on with school, and the fact that he had goals and future plans kept Charlie off his ass.

I, on the other hand, had no idea what I was doing yet, but Edward didn't mind me not working and taking time off until I figured out what I wanted to do. For the first time ever, he referenced the trust fund and told me not to worry. So, I didn't.

Rose and Emmett stuck it out together. They were doing so well, actually, that Rose kept bringing up having another baby. Edward and I took up going to church and lighting candles in hopes that she'd move somewhere far, far away before that happened. One pregnancy with Rosalie was enough for a lifetime.

Alice and Jasper were themselves, still. Flaky and argumentative and annoying. But, beyond all that they loved each other to death. Alice was even discussing moving back to Texas with him, and that made me upset. All of my friends were growing up and getting lives and moving on. But, I guess I was doing that too.

Every day with Edward was something different, and I adored that. He was weird, yes. But he was fun. He was interesting. He was spontaneous. He brought new, stimulating things into my life every day. Sometimes I think about what things would've been like if Rose hadn't have gotten sick and screwed up her birth control. Or if Edward hadn't been so drunk and stoned and he hadn't kissed me that very first day. Or, if we had never made up after the huge fight. And then, I realize that my life without him would've probably been the same way it was before I met him… boring. Repetitive. Missing something.

Over time, we kind of meshed with each other. I wore ripped clothes and smoked more and showered less. He cooked and cleaned more and started being mean, like me, when it was necessary. I got the tattoo and the piercings. He stopped paying so much attention to the dog.

Yeah. It all worked out.

After graduation, everyone headed to our new apartment to help us finish unpacking. It was small, and cozy, and it has a deck that Edward could paint on and a room with a bed which was all I was concerned about. That and the shower.

I threw my hair up in a ponytail and plopped down on the sofa with a glass of wine when we finally finished. Emmett and Jasper were watching a game on TV and they were all into it, yelling and screaming and getting the baby all excited. Edward was kneeling in the middle of the floor, where he'd put Emmelie in a huge empty box and was laughing at her because she couldn't get out.

“Let's toast,” Rosalie said, clinking her glass to mine and Alice's. “To your new apartment.”

“No!” Alice shook her head and refused to sip her wine. “We should toast to something good. About us.”

“I can't think of anything,” I mumbled. Jake started biting at my sock, and I kicked my foot and he flew across the room. Edward sighed and picked him up and straightened out his vest before turning back to Emmelie.

“Toast to... taking life as it comes,” Edward shouted over his shoulder, not really paying attention to us. “And enjoying it.”

Alice and Rose agreed, and we took our drinks and sighed, because there we were, growing up and settling, and even though the road was rocky and had some crazy twists and turns, we were getting there without much trouble.

Edward finally let Emmelie out of the box, and she ran across the room to me and climbed into my lap. She stuck out her tiny hand and poked at the tattoo on the side of my neck, behind my ear, which she always did when my hair was up.

"Ella!" she sqeualed, and she drooled on herself and my shirt a little.

“What does it say?” Rosalie asked. Because it had been two years, and I'd never told anyone. The only person who knew was Edward, who started laughing at the mention of it.

“It says… Prévoir l'imprévu.”

Alice and Rosalie stared blankly at me. “We're supposed to know what that means?” Alice asked. “Do I look like I speak French to you? It is French, right?”

Edward and I laughed, and he walked over to me and sat by my feet.

“Tell me what is says, Stoner,” Rosalie demanded, shoving his shoulder. He swatted her hand away and chuckled.

“No.”

I adjusted Emmelie on my lap, and I smiled, because not only did the tattoo apply to me, it applied to every single person who was sitting in that room.

“It means expect the unexpected,” I told them.

And everything had turned out the right way, because we did just that.

Chapter 20: Outtake: News & Tattoos EPOV

So, yeah, this little excerpt is from chapter one, the first time they meet, from EPOV. He's weird and spacy and has some issues with his brain. But, you now all this already. Enjoy :)

I was pretty sure I heard the doorbell ring. Either that, or it was the ice cream man. Regardless, I needed to check it out.

I dropped the paintbrush that was in my hand and made my way through the house, to the front door. On the way, I passed the Green Machine, my favorite bong, and he was just sitting there on the counter, all sad and lonely and neglected, so I lit him up and got some use out of him as I walked to the front door.

I heard the noise again. It was definitely the doorbell. That never meant anything good at this house.

I blew out a puff of smoke and opened the front door and I realized too late that it could've been a cop standing out there because you never really knew with Emmett and Jasper living there when one might show up, and-

No. It wasn't a cop. It was a girl. A small, little brown haired girl with huge eyes and a mean looking face.

"Can I help you?" I asked her. She stared at me for a little too long. It made me uncomfortable, so I stared back. Her waist was small. And her boobs were, too. But not the gross kind of small, just little and round and perky and… crap, now I was staring. She looked down at her feet and frowned and then she blinked a couple times.

"Uh... Is this the Cullen residence?" she asked me.

Her voice was kind of rude. I didn't know why this rude, little chick was showing up at my doorstep uninvited and giving me dirty looks and shit, so I shook my head and tried closing the door on her face.

“Nope,” I told her. “Later.”

She stopped me from closing the door and for a being so small, she was actually pretty strong. Either that, or I was way higher than I thought I was.

"I was being polite,” she blurted out. “I know this is the Cullen place, alright? Where's Emmett?"

She scared me. But I kind of liked it. She was sassy. I laughed at her and let her in.

"You look mad," I observed.

"You look high.” She fanned her hand in front of her face, and I don't know if she did that because of the smoke or because my apartment smelled. Emmett's feet always smelled bad, so it probably was both. It's weird- sometimes you don't know when a place smells until you walk into another room or outside or something, and you're in a place that doesn't smell.

Whatever. I took another hit from the Green Machine and I blew it out in front of me but it went in small girl's face and I laughed again.

"Can you not do that?” she asked. “I'm here on strict business."

Strict business? What the crap? I didn't remember Emmett doing anything unusual that would've required a house call. Had he slept with her and not called her back or something? Fuck. That would've been bad. If that was the case, I probably had no chance with her because only a super duper slutty girl would screw a guy and then his twin brother and that sucked because she was cute and her boobs were round and I would've liked to have seen them a couple of times.

I had no clue what was going on, and my common sense was somewhere else. So I just said, "Yeah, whatever,” and I dropped Big Green on the living room table. I'd clearly had enough for the time being.

"Emmett's on his way home now,” I told her. “You wanna wait?"

She gave me a disgusted look and pressed down on her forearm with her fingertips.

"Yeah, I'll wait. Do you live here too?"

I heard her voice but I wasn't really paying any attention to her because I was looking through that week's newspapers for a crossword puzzle I hadn't done yet. I liked doing them after I smoked. For some reason my vocabulary was way more advanced when I was high. It was a strange phenomenon.

The room went silent, and I think the last thing she'd asked me was if I lived there? Was she retarded? It was my apartment.

"Yeah I fucking live here,” I mumbled. “This is my place. Emmett's just bunking here for a little while."

Then, I felt stupid for admitting that shithole was my apartment. It was pretty grimy and disgusting, but I didn't care because there were never any girls there unless Emmett was throwing a party. And, if I would've cleaned, he and Jasper would've just destroyed everything in a matter of hours anyway.

I saw her looking around all sickened and trying not to touch anything like my shit carried the Black Plague or something and I felt kind of bad, and then kind of like she was a stuck up bitch because, please, we were in college. Had she ever seen a guy's dorm room before? Way worse than my place.

I slipped my glasses on, and she stared at me some more, and I just brushed her off and started looking over the newspaper I'd just laid out. An eight letter word starting with s that meant impetuous? What the hell could that be? “Impetuous,” I said out loud quietly, because sometimes saying words out loud helped me figure out the answers. I don't know why.

"Why do you have broken X-box controllers on your wall?" she asked suddenly.

What? What the hell was she talking about?

I spun around and looked in the direction she was facing and I saw what she was referring to. An X-box controller that was cracked with the springs and shit hanging out of it. Emmett was having a problem due to his “dietary supplements” and he got really pissed off one day playing Call of Duty. And then he wasn't allowed to touch the X-box for two weeks and he had to buy a new controller and the groceries. We left it up there to make fun of him.

"It's a reminder to Emmett as to what happens if he doesn't control his rage.” I gave her the short version. “You can sit."

She looked at the sofa and then back at me and she didn't move. Apparently my sofa wasn't good enough for her or something. Whatever.

“What's your name?"

I took off my glasses and turned my head in her direction. "I'm Edward Cullen." It probably would've been polite to ask her what her name was too, but she was being kind of rude to me so I didn't really care. She was staring at me, though. Girls tended to stare at my face. Emmett said it was because I looked like one of those gay Norwegian models. I don't know what that means, but I kind of smile at her in case she thinks that, too.

"Bella," she said, introducing herself because I was discourteous and didn't ask.

"Bella," I said out loud as I nodded. It was a cool name, I guess. It would've been cooler if the girl who's name it was was nicer and humored me into thinking I had a chance at seeing her boobs.

All of a sudden there was rumbling and the ground started shaking, and I knew it was either an earthquake or Emmett coming up the stairs. It turned out to be, not surprisingly, option two. Jasper came in first, and Emmett followed, and I knew they had probably raced each other up the stairs from the street. I don't know why Emmett ever thought he'd be able to beat Jasper; not only was Jasper faster and skinnier than him, but I was pretty sure Emmett's heart was about to give out from all the steroid abuse. I mean, dietary supplements.

Emmett stared at Bella, and I could just tell by the look on his face that something was not kosher. I was pretty observant when I wanted to be. Most of the time I just didn't care enough to pay attention.

"Are you... Rosalie's roommate?" he asked her.

Uh-oh. I knew that name.

"Um, yeah," she says. "Can I talk to you alone for a minute?"

She was way nicer to him than she was to me and that just didn't make sense.

"Ohhhhhh, sexy," Jasper said, and I had to hold myself back from laughing because he was the dumbest one out of the three of us in that moment.

"Shut up, Jasper," Emmett said. And then he looked at me, all scared, like I had any clue what was going on. Well, I kind of did. Chick that Emmett sleeps with is way too good for him. She avoids him like the Swine Flu. Sends her roommate over to talk to him in private. This has STD or pregnancy written all over it.

"Anything you have to say, you can say in front of my boys," Emmett continued, and oh, what a retard he was.

I sat there and watched the situation go down. I couldn't peel my eyes away. Bella looked at me, confused. Jasper was just standing there, next to Emmett, staring and waiting, and I think the pressure was tweaking her out.

I needed a beer. I turned my head to look around because I knew there had to be a closed one somewhere in that living room.

Bingo! There was one wedged underneath an armchair.

"Uh... Okay. Rosalie needs to talk to you-" I opened my beer and Bella turned her head toward me slowly. Whoops. I took a sip and smiled.

"Go on," I told her, waving my hands in her direction. She gave me the hairiest fucking eyeball in history and went back to Emmett.

"She needs to talk to you about something ASAP,” Bella continued. “She says it's urgent."

Definitely pregnant.

"She's pregnant," I told Emmett. I got bored of the whole thing really quickly, so unless Bella was flashing me those small perky tits, I had no more interest in the situation. I went back to my crossword puzzle.

"What?" Emmett started flipping out. Thirteen down… unchanging sound? What the hell kind of sound is unchanging?

"I don't know." Bella kept going, and it was so obviously true. All the talking was fucking with my concentration. "I'm just the messenger-"

"She's pregnant," I said again, quietly.

"Will you SHUT the fuck up already?!"

Whoa. Little Bella had a mouth on her. I was still kind of scared of her, so instead of sitting there and waiting for her to dropkick me, I picked up my puzzle and went into my room. Since I was pretty positive her friend was pregnant with Emmett's baby, I was sure I'd see her again sometime. I'd work on the boob situation another day.

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