Toddles Makes His Move -- Section I

By Teg, Jimmy, Hil, Tam, Leareth, Bodecia, Eva, Jen R, and Marks

Section I, Next Section

Posted on Sunday, 3 January 1999

By Teg

Elizabeth waited on the hall until the butler announced her to the ladies assembled in the drawing room. The ticking of the clock echoed in her head. She turned as movement from the staircase caught her eye and frowned slightly when she recognized who was approaching...

By Jimmy

It was that awful Mr. Toddles whose attentions for her was very well noted even among the thickest in the local society.

By Hil

"Hello, Miss. Bennet," the slimy Mr. Toddles said with a slight blush making Elizabeth sick to her stomach, "do you need an escort back into Derbyshire?"

Elizabeth became puzzled. They already were in Derbyshire.

"No I do not need an escort, sir, thank-you. I was asked by Georgiana to stay with her here for the ball in two weeks."

By Teg

Elizabeth looked away in disgust. Thankfully the butler stepped aside allowing her entry into the room.

By Hil

Unfortunately this escape was bitter-sweet. The only seat left was one beside the horrid Caroline.

By Teg

Caroline smiled, baring her teeth in a most canine fashion. Elizabeth became aware of the close proximity of Mr. Toddles and scooted over to the vacant space beside Caroline.

By Tam

"It was so tragic to hear of your family's great misfortune. I was so sorry to hear about it. I always knew Wickham couldn't be trusted, but I'm not the type to say, I told you so, " said Caroline 'sweetly'.

By Teg

Georgiana paled at the mention of that man's name. Elizabeth felt her anger rise at Caroline's ill thought remark, but before she could say anything, a slimy voice whispered in her ear...

By Hil

I was unaware of your family's misfortune, Miss. Bennet and I would like to say it doesn't change a thing between us," Mr. Toddles said putting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Thank-you, Mr. Toddles," Elizabeth said then adding slyly. "Have you ever meet Miss. Bingley. She is a joy to have in any conversation. Now if you would excuse me." With that Elizabeth got up and left knowing Mr. Toddles would sit and talk to Caroline for the rest of the night because his beloved Elizabeth hinted to him.

As Elizabeth joined Georgiana she did not notice Darcy's eyes following her, very amused by it all.

By Teg

"Would you play for us, Miss. Darcy?" Elizabeth asked.

"If you like, " the younger women shyly replied.

Darcy watched as the two ladies moved to the piano and sorted through the sheet music.

His eyes followed every movement of Elizabeth's fingers as she turned page after page, finally coming to rest on one handing it to Georgiana.

"Are you familiar with this piece?"

By Hil

"Yes I a..." Georgiana's voice trailed off as she looked at the commotion of Caroline who had had a touch to much wine, laughed in an exaggerated manner and fell out of her chair.

By Teg

"For God's sake, Caroline!" Bingley hissed. "Pick yourself up. Must you embarrass me wherever we go?"

Mr. Toddles was enchanted by the lady, however, and Elizabeth began to entertain the hope that Caroline might be of some use after all.

By Hil

Georgiana called for her maid to escort the now half asleep Caroline to her room. This outburst of hers put a damper on the evening. Within a half an hour everyone has disbanded leaving Georgiana, Elizabeth, Bingley, and a very love struck Darcy in the music room, trying to hide the glances to Elizabeth, and concealing them to everyone but a very surprised Bingley.

By Leareth

Bingley looked from his friend, then to Elizabeth then back to Darcy.

Elizabeth didn't' notice anything, but she looked shyly back at Darcy.

Bingley sat back and smiled.

Maybe he could give his friend a hand here...

By Teg

Bingley moved to the piano and leaned down as if to study the sheet music. He spoke softly to Georgiana.

"I wonder if you might care to show me the portrait of you that was recently finished?"

He nodded significantly in her brother's direction. Georgiana looked over at Darcy and stared in surprised amazement at the expression on her brother's face...

By Tam

In Bingley's opinion, Darcy's love life was in great need of help. With Caroline constantly after him and a bunch of other fortune hunting women, (they didn't deserve the title of Ladies). Darcy needed a nice, witty young lady as Elizabeth Bennet. After all, if Darcy married Elizabeth, he might have another chance with Jane.

By Hil

"I would be happy to Mr. Bingley," Georgiana said catching on to his motive.

And with that the two left leaving a very embarrassed Elizabeth and Darcy to make conversation alone...

By Leareth

Elizabeth noticed with some alarm that she and Darcy were alone.

"Do you suppose Mr. Bingley really wanted to see Georgiana's portrait?" she asked him, rather embarrassed.

Darcy looked to where the pair had left. It could have been his imagination, but the door seemed slightly ajar, as if someone had wanted to listen to the goings on inside, "No."

By Teg

But quite frankly I don't care he thought. He looked at Elizabeth once more, noting the way the colour in her face accented her eyes. The longer he stared at her, the less aware he was of anything else around him. There was Elizabeth only..

By Tam

"Are you all right Mr. Darcy? You look a little dazed," asked Elizabeth turning her head in a way that made Darcy even crazier.

"I...ah...I'm fine," said Darcy in so distracted a manner, that it was obvious he wasn't fine.

By Leareth

"With Georgiana's departure, we seem to be left without any music," said Elizabeth trying to fill the awkward gap. "Well, I shall play instead."

She performed quite admirably, choosing a rather old piece, from Bach's preludes and fugues. She realized as she reached the end of the page, that it was a bad place to turn the page and wondered if she could turn it quickly enough.

The page turned without her, she looked up and smiled gratefully at Darcy who had taken the liberty of doing it for her.

By Teg

But the look on his face caused her fingers to falter on the keys.

"Mr. Darcy, are you sure you are quite all right?" she asked in concern.

He turned his head to look at her, and Elizabeth felt her heart leap into her throat...

By Tam

Darcy started to lean closer to Elizabeth. Just then Mr. Toddles entered the room...

By Hil

A loud sigh came from both Darcy and Elizabeth as well as the two in the hall listening in.

"I... I ... am very sorry to interrupt," Mr. Toddles said in his voice that made Elizabeth cringe, "but I was scarcely off your property when a snow storm blew up to which I can not battle through."

"You may stay here the night. I will have the butler show you to a room," Darcy said sounding exasperated.

After Mr. Toddles left he turned to look at Elizabeth who said," Good night Mr. Darcy." And with that she left.

By Leareth

Elizabeth walked away, then realized, if there was a snowstorm, she couldn't go back either. She turned back to the music room to ask for his help.

Darcy looked out the window at the white expanse. Elizabeth couldn't go home either.

Elizabeth entered the room. "Excuse me, but if there is a snow storm, I am also unable to return."

"Then let me arrange for a room for you as well."

"Thank-you, sir."

By Teg

Darcy rang for Mrs. Reynolds and instructed her to make up two rooms for their unexpected guests.

The housekeeper needed no one to tell her that Mr. T should be stationed in the wing farthest from Mr. Darcy.

Now the young lady...that was a different story. Perhaps the late Mrs. Darcy's chambers would suit her.....

By Tam

"Sir, do you think your mother's chambers would be appropriate for the young lady?" asked Mrs. Reynolds.

"Yes... Yes they would suit her very well. I believe my mother would have gotten along very well with Miss. Bennet, therefore...Yes, Mrs. Reynolds, give Miss. Bennet my mother's chambers..."

By Leareth

"Miss Bennet," said Mrs. Reynolds. "We have arrangements for you. If you will follow me . . ."

Elizabeth trailed in Mrs. Reynold's wake sometimes lagging to look at her surroundings. She wished she would stay longer to look at them further.

Finally, they reached a door.

"This will be your quarters for the night, Miss Bennet," said Mrs. Reynolds. Elizabeth looked around the lovely room. She was quite taken with it. Elegant, and done in colours she would have chosen herself.

"It's beautiful. Who's room is this, may I ask?"

"The late Lady Anne's room, Mr. Darcy's mother."

A few hours later, when Miss Bingley's headache had lessened, Bingley came to see her, with the news that Mr. Toddles and Miss Bennet were staying the night at Pemberley.

"What?" said Miss Bingley.

"Miss Bennet is staying at Pemberley tonight, Caroline," said Bingley. "She's sleeping in the rooms of the late Mrs. Darcy."

"WHAT?!?!"

By Teg

Miss Bingley's cry could be heard echoing through the halls of Pemberley, like a cat in heat.

Darcy of course, heard nothing. He sat in his own rooms, delightfully aware that just on the other side of the door, Miss Elizabeth Bennet was in all likelihood preparing to retire. He stationed himself in a chair next to the connecting door, a glass of brandy in hand, and allowed himself to dream....

By Tam

Darcy sat there, glass of brandy in hand, dreaming away when he thought he heard something move outside, in the corridor.

Going to his door he opened it soundlessly, and who should he see trying to look through the keyhole into Elizabeth's room, but Mr. Toddles...

By Hil

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Darcy roared.

Mr. Toddles looking shocked said, "Mind your on business Darcy."

"EXCUSE ME!! No one acts like that in my home, especially in regard to my Elizabeth!!!"

Realizing what he had just said he blushed crimson.

Darcy pushed Mr. Toddles away from the door making the weak Mr. Toddles sprawl out across the floor. Just then Elizabeth hearing everything that had just transpired came out of her room...

By Teg

"What on earth is going on?" she asked, looking from one man to the other.

Toddles attempted to pick himself up from the floor. Elizabeth's eyes opened wide as she realized what the horrid little man had been up to.

She looked to Darcy in horror, hoping that he didn't believe that she could possibly have encouraged Toddles. The look on Darcy's face was unreadable. Elizabeth put her hand to her mouth and hurried back into her room. The door slammed behind her, and the gentlemen heard the key turn in the lock. Darcy turned to Toddles and his eyes narrowed.....

By Leareth

"Mr. Toddles, may I inquire as to your reasons for being here this evening?" said Darcy, his voice thinly veiling the menace beneath.

"I, er, wanted to see if Eli . .I mean, Miss Bennet was comfortably settled," stammered Toddles.

"That is not what it looked like."

By Hil

Unbeknownst to either man, Elizabeth had opened the door slightly to watch the goings-on.

"From here, it looked like your designs were . . . less than honorable, Toddles," said Darcy in a disgusted tone. "If it weren't for the storm outside, I would have you out of my house right now!"

"And why do you care so much, Mr. Darcy?" said Toddles with some bravado. "Why should you care if I was, er, looking at the lady? She is of no consequence to you!"

Darcy's look darkened and he glared at him.

"Is that what you think, sir?"

"Yes."

"You could not be more mistaken. Apart from Georgiana, she is the most wonderful woman alive." Behind him, Elizabeth shut the door, having heard all.

By Tam

"Oh! My God! He must still care for me. Of course he would likely defend the honor of any lady, not just me. However, I know deep down, he did it for me!" Elizabeth whispered, she now truly knew how deep her love for him was...

By Hil

Elizabeth was extremely confused. As she flopped down on the bed she thought 24 hours ago I thought he was a awful, unforgiving man but now I don't even know whether to kill him or kiss him...

By Teg

Kiss him! a voice whispered in her head.

Shocked with herself for thinking such a thing, Elizabeth huddled on the bed, hugging a pillow.

Meanwhile, just outside her door, Mr. Toddles was attempting to extricate himself from the deadly glare of his host......

By Tam

"Sir, you must understand! My intentions were very honorable. After all, once Dear Lizzy, consents to be my wife, it is not like...Ah, well Sir, that is to say. Nevermind. My intentions were not indecent."

"What makes you think she will become your wife?" asked Darcy, not feeling much threat from this little short ass.

"Why, I have the assurances of her parents..."

By Hil

With that remark it was all Darcy could take. He walk away thinking 'I need help if I am going to make Lizzy my wife.

Opening the door to his dear friend's room he said hushed, "I need help Charles..."

By Teg

Bingley stirred awake. Groggily, he looked at Darcy and muttered "What did you say?"

Darcy sighed. "Charles, I need some help. I am hopelessly, pathetically in love with Elizabeth Bennet. I was just beginning to think that there was some hope for me, that she might possibly return my affections or at least think better of me than she had previously. But that imbecile, Toddles, has informed me that her parents have already given their consent for him to marry Elizabeth. MY Elizabeth! What can I do, Charles? Please help me."

A loud snore emanated from the bedclothes.

By Tam

Thinking the only way to wake Charles would be through drastic measures, he walked over to the corner of the room.

He returned with a water jug in his hands.

SPLASH!

A loud spluttering noise accompanied by a, "DACRY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!", followed.

By Hil

"I need your help. I have no clue what to do!" Darcy said with growing distress.

"So coming to terms with the fact that you love Elizabeth. You must sweep her off her feet. go fetch Georgiana and we will start on a plan for you two. Remember that the ball is only two weeks away..."

By Teg

"Charles, I couldn't possibly discuss this with my sister! Are you mad!" Darcy began to pace the room. "I shouldn't even have said anything to you. What am I thinking? What happened to my common sense?"

Bingley laughed. "It went out the window when you fell in love! Don't you understand anything? Darcy you really are hopeless!"

By Hil

Bingley got dressed while Darcy went to get Georgiana.

When she arrived she asked what was going on.

Darcy replied shortly, "I really think it's none of anyone's business."

"Good God Fitzwilliam, if that is your attitude we have a lot of work to do. Especially in the charm area."

"What have I done," Darcy said to himself seeing the evil grins spreading over Bingley's and Georgiana's faces as they talked...

By Teg

"Okay do you think you have all that?" Bingley asked his friend.

Darcy frowned. "I suppose." Bingley glared at him. "Okay, okay. I say good morning and offer to escort her down to breakfast tomorrow."

Bingley looked at him impatiently. "And?" he prompted.

"And....." Darcy continued "And......."

"Oh, for crying out loud, Fitzwilliam!" Georgiana interrupted "Let's just forget all that. Take her for a nice walk tomorrow after breakfast and make sure it's a long one. Then when she gets good and cold you can offer to help her warm up!"

Darcy's eyes widened in horror at his sister's suggestion. Then he thought about it a little more......

By Tam

The next morning after breakfast, Darcy followed his sister's advice.

"Miss. Bennet, would you like to come with me on a walk around the grounds?"

His sister's self satisfied look made his colour rise even more than it already was...

By Leareth

Georgiana's look was one of absolute contentment, and Elizabeth did not miss it. Nor did she miss the look on Bingley's face which was one of perfect contentment, as if he had a plan that was going perfectly.

"Yes, I would be glad to," replied she to Darcy.

As they walked out the door, Darcy thought he heard the two congratulating each other . . . But he could have been mistaken.

But before they could go outside, Mr. Toddles appeared like a worm out of the earth.

"Ahh, Mr. Darcy," began he, with a rather furtive look towards the gentleman.

"And Miss Bennet, you are looking quite lovely today."

"Thank you, sir," said Elizabeth, wishing he would go away.

"Will you walk with me in the garden?" asked Toddles.

By Teg

Elizabeth looked to Darcy, her eyes pleading.

Darcy, seeing an opportunity to present himself in a better light, seized it and said "Toddles, you cannot seriously believe the garden to be accessible after last night's storm? I was just escorting Miss Bennet to the library, where she may partake of some peace and solitude in the pursuit of a good book" Elizabeth looked at him in surprise. "SOLITUDE, Mr. Toddles." he stressed.

"Oh. Oh." Toddles repeated, and scurried away like a crab.

Darcy watched him retreat with no little satisfaction.

Elizabeth wondered How exactly did he think that we were going to be able to go walking if the gardens are impassable?

By Tam

'If the gardens were so impassable,' she thought, 'Why did he even suggest it?...Unless he wished to be alone with me. I hope that is the case!'

Since she had realized what her feelings were for him she was trying to fathom, what his were for her. The funny thing was, this must have been what he was going through, before he asked her to marry him, the first time. How she wished there would be a second proposal...

By Teg

Elizabeth allowed herself to be led to the library before she thought to ask him if they might not still go outside. Buy then it was too late. Darcy had stoked up the fire and seen to it that she was comfortably seated in a large chair by the hearth. Elizabeth could not help thinking
that she wouldn't mind spending all her mornings in this manner. She watched Darcy's back as he thrust the poker into the fire, enticing the flames to burn brighter, to lick hungrily at the wood. She began to feel warm, and idly wondered if it was entirely due to the fire. Then Darcy put the poker down next to the mantle and turned to face her.

By Tam

Neither of them really had an idea of what to say to one another, and this being the case there was a moment of awkward silence, before Darcy said.

"What kind of books are you interested in reading, Miss. Bennet?"

"That was not the question I was hoping for..."

Had she really just said that out loud! It must be from the heat of the fire. She was sure her face was a red as the curtains.

By Teg

Darcy stared at her uncomprehendingly. "I beg your pardon, Miss Bennet?"

Elizabeth looked down at her hands in embarrassment. "I mean.....I was hoping you might suggest something. You would know better what is in your library, after all." She exhaled slowly.

Darcy watched her for a moment before venturing a reply. "Perhaps you would like to peruse the titles. Would you like to step this way, Miss Bennet?" With a sweep of his hand he indicated the shelves to their right.

Elizabeth, avoiding his eyes, rose and crossed to the shelves, painfully aware of Darcy following close behind her.

By Tam

Darcy was trying to make sense of what he had heard. If truth be told, he had not been paying so much attention to what she was saying, but rather her. He was saying a silent prayer that he had heard and understood her meaning, correctly.

By Teg

He watched the way she walked over to the shelves, the way her skirt swayed back and forth. Then he realized she had asked him something.

"Oh, let me help you." he said, seeing she was reaching for a book on a high shelf.

They touched the volume at the same time, and just as quickly removed their hands, letting the book drop to the floor with a resounding 'thwack'. They both quickly bent down to retrieve it. Darcy looked up into her eyes and felt his heart leap in his chest.

"I'm sorry," she said. "So clumsy of me."

"Think nothing of it." he mumbled, staring into her eyes. He felt hypnotized. Without any awareness of it, he leaned forward until their faces were mere inches apart.

Elizabeth felt her throat go dry. He was so close she could feel his breath on her cheek. Slowly, she felt herself leaning into him.

Their lips touched, gently.

By Tam

They were pleasantly engaged in this way, for about five minutes until...

"AHHHHHH!" yelled Caroline as if she had sat on a red hot poker.

The couple jumped apart, as Bingley came running into the room.

"So sorry," he exclaimed. "I think she is just a little surprised."

With that he dragged, Caroline from the room and firmly shut the door behind him...

By Tam

Elizabeth was mortified that Caroline had seen them kissing. Upon reflection she realized that if Caroline had not interrupted them she didn't know where the kiss would have led.

Darcy couldn't care less about Caroline. If he had compromised Elizabeth's honor, then by God, he would marry her! He smiled at the thought.

Elizabeth finally summoned the courage to look at him again. The longing she saw in his eyes was, she was sure, mirrored in her own.

Throwing caution to the wind she said "Perhaps we should go for that walk you suggested earlier?"

Posted on Sunday, 3 January 1999

By Teg

"Yes," Darcy hesitated slightly. "Yes, of course. If you like. We can take the path to the gardens in the back of the house. It is more sheltered from the weather, and should have far less snow there."

He made to take her arm and paused. "Miss Bennet, I.......I hope you don't think me too forward, too......." he was suddenly at a loss for the right words to describe what had just transpired between them.

Elizabeth blushed. "If anyone was too forward, sir, I believe that would have been me. Please don't apologize, I beg you."

Darcy looked at her with an expression of complete surrender. You could beg anything of me, dear Elizabeth, and I could deny you nothing.

He offered her his arm. She took it, shyly lowering her eyes and together they left the library.

Posted on Wednesday, 6 January 1999

By Leareth

Miss Bingley was white-faced as she shook off her brother's hands. She turned around to see the library door open and the occupants leaving.

"Brother, what on earth is going on?" demanded Miss Bingley when they entered the hall.

"I hope you will excuse me for a while, Caroline," replied Bingley, "but I have a matter of business to attend to." Seeing Mr. Toddles coming towards them, he called out, "Ho, Toddles, will you please see my sister to her room? She is rather upset about something." As he said this, he walked away in search of Georgiana to tell her the good news regarding her brother.

When Bingley had left, Miss Bingley turned to Toddles as he asked, "Whatever is the matter?"

"It's . . . the . . . oh!" spluttered the lady at loss for words.

"I just saw that thrice-damned Elizabeth Bennet kissing Darcy!" yelled the lady.

Toddles turned white, then red, and then toddled off in search of the pair . . .

Posted on Saturday, 9 January 1999

By Tam

"DAMN HIM!" Toddles muttered under his breath, "How dare he take such liberties with MY fiancé!"

He seemed to forget that, the lady herself had yet to consent to the agreement. Though in his opinion that was far from important, her parents had given their blessing.

Little did he know how much Mr. Bennet could be persuaded otherwise by his favorite daughter.

He had been marching so steadily that, when he reached the garden, where he had been informed the two guilty people had gone, he was struck dumb by the sight that greeted him...

Posted on Sunday, 17 January 1999

By Teg

Well, dumb wasn't exactly the truth.

Toddles let out a squeal, as only he could do, as he beheld none other than his beloved Elizabeth showing an ankle to Mr. Darcy! And he was touching it!

The guilty couple looked up, startled.

"Why, Mr. Toddles! I....I...." Elizabeth stammered.

But Darcy came quickly to her rescue. "Toddles, fetch two servants at once. Miss Bennet has turned her ankle and cannot walk back to the house." He stared at the wretched man until Toddles came to his senses and beat a hasty path back to the house.

Elizabeth looked at Darcy in shock. "Why on earth would you tell him I've turned my ankle? Now I'll have to remember to limp for the rest of my stay!"

Darcy grinned mischievously. "Would you rather he had accompanied us on our walk?"

Elizabeth laughed, a delightful sound which twinkled among the falling snowflakes.

When Toddles returned with the two footmen, there was only one set of footprints in the snow; and those led away from the house......

By Leareth

Posted on Monday, 18 January 1999

Meanwhile, back at the house, Bingley and Georgiana were congratulating each other on a job well done. They quickly fell silent as they realised Miss Bingley had been listening to them for the last five minutes. In their euphoria, they hadn't noticed her.

"Oh, Caroline . . . " began her brother half-heartedly. "We didn't see you . . ."

"YOU!" she wailed, "My own brother, conspiring against my happiness!"

Bingley was saved from replying by the arrival of Mr. Toddles and two footmen who were looking at him as if he was mad.

"They're, they're gone!" he spluttered.

"Who?" demanded Miss Bingley.

"THEM!"

"We must find them at once!" cried Miss Bingley. "He must be stopped from proposing to her!" She dashed out of the room, Toddles hard on her heels.

Bingley stared at Georgiana.

"We must stop them from stopping them!"

Meanwhile, in a peaceful, secluded corner of the garden, there was a couple. In such a situation, there would be conversation, but the mouths of the gentleman and lady were most agreeably engaged elsewhere . . . .

Meanwhile, it was not so peaceful near the lake where a second couple were running about in search of the first couple.

Meanwhile, yet another couple were running around in search of the second couple . . .

By Teg

Posted on Sunday, 31 January 1999

"Ah, Miss Bennet...." Darcy murmured. "I trust that you do not find it too cold. It is quite sheltered in this part of the garden."

"Why, no, Mr. Darcy." she replied between chattering teeth. "I can think of no other place I would rather be right now." Except perhaps under a nice warm blanket with---Oh, Elizabeth Bennet! What a shocking thought!

But Darcy hadn't failed to notice her shivering. "Please, Miss Bennet," he said as he began to remove his coat. "Allow me to put this around you. You do appear to be a little chilled."

"Oh, you are too kind." Elizabeth gratefully replied. "But then you will be cold. Perhaps we could share."

"An excellent suggestion! Our combined body heat should serve to keep us warm for a while." Suddenly Darcy's eyes widened in horror at the implication of his remark. "Miss Bennet, I....Please forgive me for...." but any other words failed him, and he lowered his arms in resignation, allowing the coat to trail in the snow.

Elizabeth was torn between amusement at his discomfiture and mortification to realize that her own thoughts had followed the same path as his. "Mr. Darcy, please do not berate yourself. Let us attribute it to the cold air, and the romantic setting." She paused, noting that his features had softened at her words. "It is a very romantic setting."

A smile touched his mouth and Elizabeth drew in a sharp breath at how much more attractive he appeared as a result. Not that he wasn't very handsome to begin with, but with his features softened by good humour..... and a little something else there in his eyes..... she felt sorely tempted to reach out and touch his face.

Darcy suddenly remembered the coat in his hand and wrapped it about her shoulders. He smiled at her as he sat down next to her once more.

"We shouldn't stay out here much longer." he said.

"I suppose you're right," Elizabeth said reluctantly. "I am not properly attired for this weather."

Darcy laughed. "I meant that the others would be looking for us soon!" Elizabeth looked at him in puzzlement. "I'm sure Toddles must have returned with the footmen by now."

Elizabeth's hand rose to her mouth. Darcy thought her to be justly horrified at what their indiscretion might bring them, until he heard her muffled laughter.

"Oh, I can just picture that horrid little man's face! What a morning we have had already!" she laughed. "First Caroline interrupts us in the library, then Toddles finds you wiping snow from my foot in the garden. I shudder to think what anyone might surmise should they find us here, like this!"

Darcy joined in her amusement, his deep laugh complimenting her delicate one. Their eyes sparkled with delight in one another's company. Darcy felt an irrational urge to kiss Elizabeth's rosy cheeks, and he drew her closer into his arms. He felt her breath catch, but she offered no resistance. In fact, she wrapped her own arms around his waist, drawing him into the warmth contained by his coat around her figure. He kissed her cheek, then the other one.

Elizabeth tilted her head to one side, and Darcy lowered his lips to hers.

Toddles was running through the maze in complete confusion. There were footsteps everywhere, going in several different directions, all made by himself. He whimpered.

The sudden sound of snow crunching underfoot made him look up. A cloud of orange materialized around the corner of the hedge and he beheld a vision of loveliness..... an angel of mercy come to rescue him from certain death!

"Oh, it's only you, Mr. Toddles." said Caroline Bingley with a sneer.

"Yes, it's me, my dearest angel!" cried Toddles, gazing at her lovingly. "Thank you, Miss Bingley, I shall be eternally grateful to you!"

Caroline looked at him in alarm, then turned on her heel and beat a retreat.

Toddles hurried after her like a puppy, Elizabeth Bennet forgotten.

By Leareth

Posted on Monday, 1 February 1999

Georgiana skidded around the corner and almost crashed into Bingley, who was standing there and looking around.

"We've lost them!" cried he.

Georgiana was about to reply when she saw a flash of orange near the trees.

"I see Miss Bingley over there!"

They quickly ran as fast as they could towards the spot pointed out.

The source of the orange flash, Miss Bingley, tried to rid herself of the toad that had suddenly become attached to her with no success. In vain, she looked around for the two fugitives, also with no success. But though she didn't see them, she could hear some suspicious sounds from behind a large oak tree . . .

Darcy broke off from his kisses to ask Elizabeth a very important question.

"Elizabeth I love beyond words, *kiss* will you marry me?"

The lady to whom this question was addressed to looked up and agreed wholeheartedly, though no words were required.

Unfortunately, the sky fell down on them in the middle of their agreeable activity when Miss Bingley and Mr. Toddles tripped over them and on the other side, Bingley lost his footing on the ice and fell with Georgiana on top.

With one voice, though the question was addressed to different people, they all cried, " What are you doing here??"

By Teg

Posted on Monday, 8 February 1999

Miss Bingley made a valiant effort to extract herself from the tangle of arms and legs, but it seemed that Mr. Toddles' hands kept getting in the way.

"Mr. Toddles!" she sputtered, and glared at him. Toddles took no notice, but Charles Bingley did.

Struggling himself, Charles reached across someone's back to pull the worm's grimy paws from the hem of his sister's skirt.

"Oh!" cried Georgiana, as she felt Charles's arm press down on her spine.

"I beg your pardon!" Charles said to her, mortified.

"Bingley! What's going on here?" It was Darcy, finally managing to surface from under the mountain of silk that covered his body. He pushed the fabric away from him only to discover a pair of legs hidden underneath. Hurriedly he pulled the material back into place, and with his eyes, tried to determine to whom these appendages belonged. Then he realized that they were Miss Bennet's and he turned his head, blushing profusely.

Miss Bingley had finally managed to free herself from Toddles clammy grasp and made an ungainly attempt to get to her feet. Her hair was in disarray, her feathers askew, but her dignity asserted itself. She stepped back a few paces to straighten her attire. Satisfied with her appearance, Miss Bingley looked down on the pile of bodies before her. At first she was amused, until she noticed that Miss Bennet was actually laying atop of Darcy!

"Oh, Miss Bennet! Here, let me help you." Miss Bingley frantically began pulling at Elizabeth's arms to lift her from Darcy's body.

Elizabeth's legs kicked out, narrowly missing Darcy's chin, as Miss Bingley leaned back to tug harder. There was a sudden tearing sound as Elizabeth rolled off of Darcy's legs. She clambered to her feet only to look down in dismay at the ruin of her gown. But the worst was behind her. Literally.

Bingley's eyes grew wide as he looked up and beheld Miss Bennet's underskirts in full view of all! Now, Bingley was nothing if not chivalrous, and he redoubled his efforts to disentangle himself. This was much more easily accomplished by now as the number of obstacles had diminished by half. His struggles, however, still managed to produce one casualty, as a stray thrust of his booted foot caught Darcy in the temple and the poor man fell back into the snow prostrate.

Georgiana cried out as she witnessed her brother's collapse into the powdery stuff. Bingley heard her, but by now he had regained his feet and was quickly wrapping his coat around Miss Bennet to shield her from Toddles' view. When he looked to see what ailed his friend's sister Bingley was aghast.

"Darcy!" he called, then dropped to his knees beside the man. "Darcy, can you hear me?"

Toddles approached from behind Bingley and said snottily "What sort of an imbecile are you, man? Of course he can't hear you. You've kicked him into oblivion!"

"I've......" Bingley stared at his friend in horror. "I .... I..... I......"

"Stop that wretched stuttering, Charles," his sister whined, "and help get him to the house!"

Muttering an 'of course, what was I thinking?', Bingley directed Toddles to take Darcy's feet while he grasped his friend's shoulders. Coordinating their efforts, the two men heaved the unconscious Darcy up and promptly fell backwards into the snow.

"Useless!" Miss Bingley sputtered. She turned away in a huff and trudged back to the house calling over her shoulder "I'll get some real men to carry poor Darcy back home."

Toddles looked at Bingley, up to his ..... hmmm.... in the snow. He looked at Georgiana, still sitting beside her brother. Then he looked at Elizabeth. He puzzled over her expression. Was that concern on her face? Concern for Darcy? Toddles shook his head. He ran off after Miss Bingley before she disappeared from sight.

"Oh, Georgiana. I'm dreadfully sorry." Bingley was truly crushed by the knowledge that he had caused his friend such an injury.

"Bloody hell." The moan came from the region of Bingley's feet. Darcy's eyes fluttered open and he squinted in the light. "What...." he paused as he closed his eyes tightly in pain. "Toddles. I'll flay him alive. The man is a menace."

Georgiana leaned over her brother's form and spoke gently. "William, don't upset yourself. You've had a nasty bump on the head and you need some attention."

Darcy's eyes flickered open again. His gaze sought out Elizabeth, then found her. "Yes, you're absolutely right. I need some attention."

Georgiana caught the direction of his gaze and she looked at Bingley, smiling. But their amusement was short-lived as Caroline Bingley materialized like an apparition, with a half dozen servants in tow. Toddles was, of course, lapping at her heels.

By Leareth

Posted on Wednesday, 10 February 1999

Darcy blacked out again, which gave Miss Bingley the opportunity to get the servants to carry him back to the house. This gave everyone the chance to go to their rooms and change out of clothes that were wet, soiled, torn or a mixture of the three.

As soon as she was ready, Elizabeth knocked quietly on the door separating her room from Darcy's and entered to find him groggily awake and rubbing his temple.

"I think I am going to have a headache . . ." muttered he. He sighed as some of the pain receded when Elizabeth knelt beside him to touch his head.

"From the bump or Miss Bingley and Mr. Toddles, how they always manage to find us?"

He was saved from answering as the door was opened without ceremony to let the two of whom they were speaking in.

As soon as she saw the sight before her, Miss Bingley grabbed Elizabeth and hissed, "Don't you think you have done enough for one day?"

Elizabeth looked her without any comprehension. Her distraction allowed Toddles to grab her other arm, but he some how missed and grabbed the upper part of her leg instead.

The next moment found him on the other side of the room, greeting the wall with his nose as Darcy threw him off her.

"Get your hands off my fiancee!"

Miss Bingley and Toddles stared at him and Elizabeth, their mouths wide open.

"WHAT??????????"

Bingley and Georgiana entered to hear the last exchange and smiled broadly, secretly giving each other high fives.

"You must be joking, my dear sir! The bump on your head, caused by HER has muddled your thinking!" babbled Toddles. "Elizabeth is engaged to me . . . "

"Not any more."

In the silence that followed, Miss Bingley and Toddles were having very similar thoughts.

He/she just wants to make me jealous ran their thinking. Well, two can play at that game!

Toddles turned to Miss Bingley as she turned to him.

"Miss Bingley, will you marry me!?"

"Yes, I will!"

They looked at Elizabeth and Darcy to see if that had any reaction.

It did, but not the one they were hoping for.

"Congratulations, sir, madam!"

Only now did they realise what they had gotten themselves into, but any further conversation was halted by a servant arriving with a letter for the master.

Darcy took his arm away from around Elizabeth to open it. He read it and his face grew hard.

"My aunt, Lady Catherine is coming here, five days after she writes this. But it was misdirected at first - it has arrived five days late, which means she is arriving . . . "

The servant at the door bowed and announced the arrival of Lady Catherine de Bourgh and her daughter.

By Teg

Posted on Monday, 15 February 1999

Special thanks for the suggestions from Ann, Jimmy and Christine Marie that evening in the Chat room! Did you think I was kidding when I said I'd use it?

Darcy's eyelids fluttered open, only to close hurriedly as the daylight streaming in the window ignited a flame behind his eyes.

He groaned as the memory of the morning's events came back to him.

The appearance of Lady Catherine at a most inconvenient moment had sent the entire household into a panic. She had asked -- no, Darcy amended, demanded ( his aunt never asked ) - that she be quartered in her late sister's chambers, thereby evicting Miss Bennet to another part of the house.

At first he had been incensed, but good sense had soon regained its foothold as he realized that having his fiancee lodged in an adjoining bedchamber, with a mere four-inch oak door between them, would indeed be courting disaster. The only courting he was interested in doing was with Miss Bennet, and so far the results were far from disastrous, although a little painful thanks to Miss Bingley and Toddles.

Lady Catherine had ordered everyone from his room, excepting herself of course, insisting that he needed rest after such a bump on the head. In order to escape her repeated interrogatory forays, Darcy had been reduced to subterfuge, feigning sleep until she finally noticed his lack of response and quit the room. He then occupied his mind with thoughts of Miss Bennet, Elizabeth, and the brief moments of intimacy in the garden before the fateful interruption. With these memories warming him, he fell into a dream-filled sleep.

Now he ventured to open his eyes once more, blinking past the pain, to seek out the time displayed on the mantle clock. He groaned again when he saw that there was barely an hour remaining before dinner was scheduled to be served.

He reached for the bell pull to call his man to help him dress. The pounding in his head was severe, but he had no intention of missing out on Elizabeth's company at his own dinner table.

Nor will I leave her to the tender ministrations of my aunt and Toddles!

"I want to have babies," Toddles suddenly announced at the dinner table.

There was clatter of silverware as everyone dropped their utensils and their jaws simultaneously.

"But Toddles, you can't have babies!" said Darcy, his brain struggling to overcome the incessant thumping in it. If he had been completely in control of his faculties he would never have ventured any reply.

"Don't oppress me!" replied Toddles.

"I'm not oppressing you, Stan...sorry, Loretta... I mean Toddles! You can't have babies because you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?!" shouted Darcy, massaging his forehead in a futile attempt to relieve the hammering rhythm.

"Darcy, how shocking! You see? I knew that Miss Bennet would pollute the shades of Pemberley," said Lady Catherine in disgust. She cast a withering look in the direction of Elizabeth.

"I don't know yet, Darcy!" Toddles cried out, "But I will find a way!"

"Ugh!" cried Caroline, and bolted from the room.

Georgiana wasn't far behind, holding her hand to her mouth. One by one the diners vacated the room until only Darcy, Elizabeth and Lady Catherine remained.

Elizabeth squirmed, but held her ground under the scrutiny of Darcy's aunt. Darcy, however, was too absorbed in his scrutiny of Elizabeth to notice anything else. Lady Catherine suddenly cleared her throat making Darcy wince as the sound reverberated in his head.

"I am appalled at your behaviour, nephew!" she turned her fiery gaze in his direction. "Where on earth you learned those wretched manners completely baffles me, for it was surely not at your mother's knee! I've never heard such language at the dinner table. And in mixed company, too!"

Darcy's eyes shifted to her face. He blinked while attempting to formulate some sort of reply in his mind.

"I believe," came Elizabeth's voice from somewhere to his right, "that we may attribute these deficiencies to the presence of Mr. Toddles. It would not do to lay the blame at Mr. Darcy's feet. In light of his recent injury he can hardly be held accountable for his own contribution to the conversation. I'm sure he must still be suffering the effects of that terrible blow to his head."

Lady Catherine was about to give a sharp rebuttal when a low moan was heard from her nephew's end of the table. She looked at him in alarm.

Darcy's eyes had rolled back in their sockets and he was now slumped in his chair, his head lolling back on his shoulders.

Lady Catherine gave a cry and sprang from her seat, rushing out of the room, screaming for the servants. Elizabeth also sprang from her seat, rushing over to Darcy's side to place a hand against his forehead.

Darcy's eyes flew open, startling Elizabeth such that she nearly called out in fright.

"Is she gone?" he asked quickly.

Elizabeth nodded. Before she could blink, Darcy was out of his chair, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her toward the door at the opposite end of the room. He listened at the door for a few seconds, then, satisfied that the coast was clear, opened it and pulled Elizabeth through, closing the door firmly behind them.

"Where -" she began, but a hand was suddenly clamped over her mouth effectively cutting off any line of questioning. Elizabeth frowned, but the hand stayed. Instead Darcy met her gaze and put his other hand to his lips in a shushing gesture. She nodded and her mouth was free once more.

After a few minutes of listening to Elizabeth knew not what, Darcy took her hand once more and they quickly padded down the hallway to a small staircase set into the wall off to the left. Darcy started up them, but Elizabeth resisted. He looked back at her. She raised her eyebrows in inquiry, wondering where these steps led. A slow smile spread across his face and he mouthed the words 'trust me'.

Elizabeth's adventurous spirit whispered to her to go on and follow him. Her sense of decorum and propriety however encouraged her to stay put. She wavered, unsure of what to do.

The sudden sound of a door opening from the direction they had come, and voices raised in excited inquiry propelled her into action. With a wicked grin Elizabeth grabbed Darcy's hand again and together they raced up the darkened staircase.

By Bodecia

Posted on Tuesday, 16 February 1999

Lady Catherine, panting for breath, entered the room with two servants quick at her heels. "What? Where did they go to?" she cried. The servants looked around the room, shrugged their shoulders and turned to leave. "Where in the blue blazes do you two think you are going," her ladyship shouted. On hearing the tone of her voice the two men stopped and lowered their heads, as they knew a scolding was surely coming.

The men were saved from the acid tongue of Lady Catherine as Toddles entered the room. "Your Ladyship, may I be of service," he said as he bowed nearly to the floor, continuing he uttered, "your humble solicitude is not appreciated by these servants, but I understand your concern." Toddles mind was whirling with thoughts of how her ladyship could help him gain his object, Elizabeth.

"Now that you mention it, yes, you can be of a great help to me." Lady Catherine replied.

Moving closer to Toddles, Lady Catherine whispered, "I fear that Miss Bennet is a Witch!"

Toddles listened closely as she continued speaking; "She has vanished, and taken my nephew with her."

Toddles was stunned at the thought, but he had always felt there was something mysterious about Miss Bennet, and her fine eyes.

"Wwwhhat are we to do?" he replied stuttering.

By Eva

Posted on Wednesday, 17 February 1999

Meanwhile, Lizzy found herself led up some stairs, round a corner, down some stairs, and into a small, unfurnished room on the ground floor.

"Why have you brought me here?" she asked.

"I wanted to show you something," Darcy replied. "But first… why don't we pick up from where we were so rudely interrupted this afternoon."

"Certainly," agreed Lizzy, eyes dancing mischievously. "Now, where were we exactly?"

Darcy drew her close.

"Is this right?" he asked.

"No," replied Elizabeth, "it was more like- this." (as she held him even closer and placed a kiss on his nose.)

"No," countered Darcy, kissing her cheeks, her eyes, her nose. "I think (smooch) it was more (smooch) like this (smoooooooooooch)."

By this time Lizzy couldn't care less where they'd been up to. Their lips met again and they indulged in a looooooooong kiss- so long, in fact, that we should leave them there and return to Mr. Toddles and the evil Lady C.

Lady Catherine knew a lot about witches (being one herself), so she instructed Toddles on the correct way to dispose of them.

"This is all very well," said Toddles when he'd learnt everything necessary, "but we've got to find her first!"

Lady Catherine was astonished at her sidekick's brilliance. They set off to search for them, Lady C using her extra-sensitive olfactory prowess's to track down their prey. Unfortunately, they were rather inaccurate extra-sensitive olfactory prowess's, and they head off in completely the wrong direction, coming out on the roof. Lady C hit Toddles over the head because of his stupidity. Toddles let out a scream that could have been heard at Longbourn.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were sitting in their parlour eating bread and honey when they heard the most horrible noise ever.

"What on earth was that?" asked Mrs. Bennet.

"Must be that annoying Toddles again," replied Mr. Bennet.

"Oh, of course, that would explain it," said his lady, returning to her food.

Anyway… back at Pemberley Lizzy and Darcy were enjoying themselves very much indeed when they were once again interrupted by the door opening and someone rushing in. They turned around to chastise them, and were astonished to see Colonel Fitzwilliam!

"Richard, what are you doing here?" Darcy asked.

"Let me catch my breath," panted the Colonel. He jumped up and made a spectacular one-handed catch. "Got it!" he said normally. "Now, where were we? Oh yes, the reason I'm barging in on you two… hang on, what was going on in here?"

"Never mind."

"Oh, but… ok, I'm being chased by hordes of young women. They have followed me all the way from London. I didn't know where else to come, sorry Darcy."

Darcy and Lizzy were incredulous, but Fitzwilliam opened the door to reveal a large crowd, who started yelling when they saw him.

"There he is!" "The Messiah!" "Hurrah!" Fitzwilliam stepped out to address the crowd.

"Shh, he's going to say something," everyone whispered.

"Why are you following me?" he asked.

"You are the Messiah!" "Yeah!!!"

"I'm not the Messiah!"

"I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few," said one particularly forward member of the group.

" I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!" pleaded the Colonel.

"Only the true Messiah denies His divinity."

"What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!"

" He is! He is the Messiah!"

"Now, f#*% off!"

"How should we do that, o Lord?"

Darcy and Lizzy could see it was hopeless, and retreated into their room, leaving the hapless Colonel to control the crowd.

By Jen R

Posted on Wednesday, 17 February 1999

Elizabeth and Darcy turned to look at Colonel Fitzwilliam, whose face was turning purple, red, and white by turns. He was clearly unable to deal with the situation.

"Dearest, we must somehow help Richard," said Darcy.

"Hmm," frowned Elizabeth, "let me think." She considered briefly what would be best. Watching her intently, Darcy impulsively leaned over and kissed her forehead, murmuring "I love that little crease you get when you're concentrating."

"Well, I can hardly concentrate under such circumstances, sir," rejoined Elizabeth. "Do be serious!"

Meanwhile, Colonel stopped in mid-change between purple and red to turn a distinct shade of green. "Darcy!" he shrieked. "Miss Bennet! They are trying to scale the walls! They'll rip out your prized vines! Oh, if only you had not installed those of trellises last year!"

Darcy's face hardened. "Anything but my vines!"

Elizabeth, having just found a solution to the problem (despite the panicking men, who were somewhat distracting), quietly led Darcy from the room. "Do not worry, Colonel," said the retreating figure, "we go to enlist the services of one more haughty and arrogant than all of us put together!"

They left too soon to hear him murmur, "Such tenacity! I have not even seen such strength and strategy in my ranks! I wonder...."

In other parts of the house, the growing throng of women had hardly gone unnoticed. Toddles' and Lady Catherine's position on the roof was an excellent vantage point. "First Miss Bennet, and now these masses of young ladies!" fumed Lady Catherine. "Who could have imagined such an open display of their feminine arts and allurements!"

Lady Catherine was certainly correct about the arts and allurements; they were having a most peculiar effect on the fickle Toddles. As he watched the young ladies, most of whom were pretty, all of whom were enthusiastic, his eyes glazed over. As he watched the ladies struggling to climb the vines, he occasionally glimpsed a well-formed calf as the ladies shifted their skirts about. He began to tremble visibly.

"Come, Toddles!" commanded Lady Catherine. "There is only one thing to be done."

Toddles followed; although loathe to leave the ladies, he was so stunned that he hardly knew what he was doing.

As Lady Catherine descended the main stairs, Mr. Darcy ascended them. "Ah, Aunt Catherine! I fear my cousin is in grave danger from the ladies assembled below. You must come to his aid with all possible haste!"

Lady Catherine's eyes narrowed. "You seem to have recovered remarkably quickly from your feelings of illness, nephew. I do not doubt Miss Bennet has effected a cure of some sort. I must speak to you on the matter immediately. Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?"

"W-w-w-ell, my dear Aunt," stammered Darcy, "consider that Miss Bennet is only one lady, while there are full two hundred trampling my gardens and destroying my prize-winning vines! I believe the largest part of the pollution is currently coming from outdoors, at least in terms of their environmental impact on my estate, if not their effect on poor Richard's sanity. Could we not attend to this matter first?" Seeing that she appeared mollified by such good sense, he gestured in the direction of the balcony room.

"Yes," cried Toddles, "we must welease Wichard!"

Mr. Bingley and his sister heard the trio passing, and followed in curiosity.

In the drawing room, Elizabeth rose from a writing desk, hastily sealing a message. She gave it to the housekeeper, with instructions that it be carried express to Mr. Collins. She then proceeded to the music room in search of Georgiana, only to discover, much to her surprise, that she was not there. Puzzled, she went outside according to plan.

She followed the sounds of the shrieks, and arrived under the Colonel's window in time to observe Lady Catherine addressing the crowd.

"Thtop!" she commanded. "Thtop pethtering Fitthwilliam at onthe!"

"Yes," said Toddles, very resolutely not looking down at the ladies below, and looking somewhat pale, "such wecklessness must weach an end!"

"Thut up!" hithed (uh, hissed) Lady Catherine. "Let me handle thith!

Startled, the ladies below stopped their cries. Colonel Fitzwilliam (whose face had resumed its normal shade) and Mr. Darcy looked each other in consternation.

By Marks

Posted on Friday, 19 February 1999

Meanwhile Back At Longbourn

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were taking tea in the parlour. Mr. Bennet was trying not to listen, but it was no use.

"Ooh Mr. Bennet! I wonder if that nice Mr. Toddles..."

Mr. Bennet coughed and spluttered as if the tea had gone down the wrong way.

Mrs. Bennet continued without missing a beat. "...and Lizzy are engaged yet?"

Mr. Bennet spilt the rest of the cup of tea on his lap, choking on what was left in his throat.

"That nice Mr. Toddles and my Lizzy????!!!!!! Have you taken leave of your senses, woman???????? I shall never approve, even if my favourite daughter were so deranged as to accept that, that...."

"Oh but my dear Mr. Bennet, you already have approved, and as a gentleman, you cannot go back on your word now" crowed Mrs. Bennet triumphantly.

"Approved! When did I approve? I recall no such thing!!"

"Mr. Toddles asked you just before he left. You were in your library, and I distinctly remember you saying to him 'Yes! Yes! Anything! Just get out of my sight you horrid little excuse for a man.' So you see, you approved!"

Mr. Bennet looked aghast. "I cannot have heard him right!" he gulped. "Besides, Lizzy would not have him."

"I don't know about that Mr. Bennet. At first she seemed to be ever so slightly opposed to that nice Mr. Toddles, and I admit that I had to command her to knit him a jumper. However, after a while, she seemed to reconcile herself to the idea, and even knitted a message on the jumper for her intended. I remember it clearly, it was something in French or Welsh or one of those foreign languages, it said 'd'ESPRIT'.

Mr. Bennet's eyes misted over. "Ah, knitting! Do you remember, when you knitted me a jumper. It had BENNETon ."

Mrs. Bennet forged on, "Sweet Mr. Toddles even offered to get Lizzy some feminine undergarments made of the finest Florentine leather, but that ungrateful minx would not let him get her measurements, she stabbed at him with one of her knitting needles."

"I am not surprised my dear. Lizzy is a black belt in the ancient Chinese marital art of GhU CChI." Said Mr. Bennet looking at his wife intensely.

'Surely you mean martial art do you not my dear?" was the slightly apprehensive reply.

"Mrs. Bennet, you will allow me the free use of my understanding on this occasion. I know exactly what I mean!" Mr. Bennet's gaze did not leave his wife.

"And Mr. Bennet, that nice Mr. Toddles is so romantic. He gave Lizzy some perfume called 'Lily of the Alley'. And being such a considerate gentleman, he also gave me some 'Channel No. 5' She announced proudly.

"You mean 'Chanel', do you not Mrs. Bennet?" Said her husband.

"Oh No!, That is French. 'Channel No. 5' is made right here in England from the finest Thames water downstream of the horse rendering works."

"Ah!" Said Mr. Bennet, as if some mystery had been cleared up for him. "I thought perhaps you had had an accident with the chamber pot."

"Harumph! Mr. Bennet, you have no romance left in you!"

Mr. Bennet looked at his wife strangely and moved toward her. "That is not what I meant sir!" She sidled toward the door nervously. Mr. Bennet sidled after her. Finally she flees upstairs, with Mr. Bennet in hot pursuit, shouting, "Come back my little tulip, romance is not dead!"

By Leareth

Posted on Monday, 22 February 1999

"How are we going to get rid of all these ladies?" muttered Darcy.

"I have the perfect idea, love," said Elizabeth. "What do most young ladies enjoy? A ball, of course."

Darcy looked at his fiancee and smiled. "That's a lovely idea. And also, we can declare our engagement as well!"

"NO YOU SHALL NOT!" screeched Lady Catherine. "THAT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS! YOU SHALL . . . (here she ran out of breath) . . . . have *gasp* your ball, and there you shall deny any report of an engagement between you and this witch and instead declare it to Anne!"

"No, I won't."

"YES YOU WILL!" (It seemed she had caught her breath.)

"NO . . . " Elizabeth touched him and whispered something into his ear.

"Pretend to agree with her at least or we shall never get any peace. She doesn't control your tongue so you can say whatever you like about your engagement."

Lady Catherine, sure Elizabeth was whispering some spell to control her nephew, screeched.

"GET AWAY, YOU LITtle . . . *gasp! . . . witch!"

"At all costs, have a ball, Darcy to get rid of these ladies," said Colonel Fitzwilliam, looking about furtively.

"Of course. There shall be a ball in a week's time, and there, I shall announce something."

"What about me?" whimpered Toddles, "I wanna announce something too!"

As one, they all turned and said,

"SHUT UP!"

"Darcy, you are not serious in announcing an engagement between you and your cousin Miss de Bourgh, are you?" asked Bingley worriedly.

It was some hours later. The ladies had gone to change for dinner and Toddles was being kept under close scrutiny by some of the servants.

"I said I was going to announce something but I did not say what the something was," he replied. "Don't breath a word of this to Lady Catherine. She'll screech again and she might lose her voice." He thought for a moment. "Actually, maybe you should inform her of my intention - her silence would be very pleasant."

Bingley laughed, "No, it would be more fun to see her face when you announce the something.

By Teg

Posted on Wednesday, 24 February 1999

The chanting had continued all through the night outside the front doors of Pemberley. Hundreds of women, seated on the lawns, in the shrubbery, all waiting and hoping for a glimpse of Fitzwilliam. The Colonel had mercifully managed to sequester himself in a remote part of the house, and gained a few hours of sleep as a result.

The same could not be said for the other residents of Pemberley.

"I can't take this anymore!" Darcy growled. His head was still suffering the ill effects of the day before, and the chanting voices from outside permeated the halls and rooms of the vast house.

The hour was still early, but Darcy knew that his aunt, stationed in the room adjoining his, was a light sleeper, so his movements as he crept from his own room were light and calculated to make no noise at all. With stealthy steps, he made his way down the long hallway, around the corner, until he came to Miss Bennet's door. A soft knock and he heard a faint 'Come in'.

"Oh!" she exclaimed upon seeing him in the doorway. "I thought you to be the maid!" She pulled the blanket up around her chin, eyes blazing.

"I beg your pardon," Darcy said quickly as he turned to face away from her. "I couldn't sleep. The events of the last day have been playing in my mind for hours." He studied the grain of the wooden door as he tried to formulate his next words. "I was hoping to be able to speak with you privately before the others arose." The rustle of the bedclothes was proving a great distraction to his thoughts.

"One cannot get much more private than a lady's bedchamber, Mr. Darcy." came her soft voice from behind him. There were more rustling sounds.

Darcy felt the heat rise in his cheeks. "Again, I beg your pardon for the intrusion." He swallowed with some difficulty, as the rustling sounds drew nearer to his position at the door. He closed his eyes in an effort to shut out the distraction, but an image of his beloved Elizabeth came immediately to mind. Opening them once again he stared at the door, placing a hand on it for support. "What I wished to say..... that is...... I'd like to..... Elizabeth, when the arrangements for the ball are complete, I'd like to simply leave the others to it. I'd like to go..... I'd like you to go with me to...." He stopped as he felt a hand on his arm and Elizabeth pulled him around to face her.

He sighed in relief as he saw that she was dressed, properly dressed.

"And just where did you wish us to go, sir?" she enquired innocently.

Darcy nearly melted in the warmth of her gaze. "What?" he asked, totally losing track of his train of thought.

"To Longbourn, perhaps, to see my father?" Elizabeth continued to hold his gaze.

"Yes. Yes, to Longbourn." Darcy said, mesmerized. Then he shook his head. "I mean, no. Not to Longbourn."

Elizabeth's eyes widened. "Not to Longbourn?"

"No."

She looked at him, a bit confused. "Where, then?"

"Scotland."

"Scotland." she repeated.

"Yes, Scotland. Gretna Green." Darcy looked at her intently, awaiting her reaction.

Elizabeth said nothing for what seemed like an eternity to the man standing before her. Then her lips parted and the words rushed out.

"Why wait until the ball? Let's go now!"

Darcy's smile lit up his face. "I'll go pack and be back here in ten minutes!"

Elizabeth nodded. Before he could open the door, she planted a kiss on his cheek. Darcy paused, looking into her expressive eyes. Then he took a deep breath and slipped into the hallway.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Darcy nearly leapt out of his skin at the sight of his cousin, Anne, not more that two feet away.

"Darcy! I asked you a question." Sickly or no, Anne's voice commanded attention much like her mother's.

"I.... I.... I...." Darcy's voice trailed off.

Anne shook her head, smiling. "I know what you're up to."

Darcy drew himself up indignantly. "I think not. Do not jump to conclusions, Anne."

Again she smiled. "Take me with you, then." Darcy simply stared at her. "Take me with you or I wake my mother right now."

Darcy grabbed her by the hand and hurried back to his room. Once safely within the confines, he sat her in a chair and, himself, took the chair opposite. Anne looked at him in amusement.

"You must understand that I cannot take you with me, Anne."

She continued to gaze at him unperturbed. "Darcy, I want escape from my mother's overbearing, dictatorial ways. I want to live a life of my own. I want you to help me."

"Your mother would send the militia after us!" he cried, then cast a worried look at the door connecting his room to Lady Catherine's. In a hushed voice he continued. "Besides, how would it appear, for me to run off with two women?"

Anne's smile broadened. "Ah, but here is the best part of my plan! It will only appear that you have run away with me! And that Miss Bennet has retreated to her room in her grieved state. Besides, I can act as Miss Bennet's chaperone on the trip, and no-one would be able to accuse you of compromising her honour."

Darcy frowned. "You have obviously given this some thought, Anne. How on earth did you expect to be able to carry it off?"

"Oh well. I knew you were hardly likely to wait around Pemberley until after the ball, with my mother breathing down your neck, and Miss Bennet tempting you at every turn. Not to mention that repulsive Mr. Toddles!" Anne shivered in revulsion. "No, it was plain to me that sooner or later you would hit upon the idea to run off to Scotland with her. I just kept my eyes open and waited."

Darcy was in turn shocked at the transparency of his feelings, and amazed at the tenacity of his cousin. "Very well, Anne. What is our next move then?"

She leaned toward him and spoke so quietly that even Caroline, with her ear to the keyhole, couldn't hear a word.

Drawing back from the door in frustration, Caroline mused over the bits and pieces she had managed to overhear, er, hear. It had been Darcy's raised voice, uttering something about the militia being sent after him, that first drew her to the keyhole. Then she had heard Anne de Burgh's voice: Run away with me. Run away to Scotland. And Darcy's reply: Very well, Anne.

"Oh, no!" Caroline whined. "He couldn't possibly be considering eloping with his cousin! That bump on the head must have addled his brains! Oh, I must save him from such a terrible mistake!"

She ran off in search of her brother.

Barely an hour later, Mrs. Reynolds was seen ushering three junior servants into the Master's chaise and four, loudly instructing them to "be about your business quick, like. No dawdling. The Master will need those things immediately to prepare for the ball." The hordes of women encamped on the lawns couldn't see the misty eyes of the housekeeper as she watched the chaise depart up the drive. Nor could they detect the huddled form of Colonel Fitzwilliam, tucked into the trunk strapped to the back of the carriage.

Caroline was still arguing with her brother, entreating him to do something to save his friend from the clutches of that woman!

"Caroline, Caroline! Darcy would no more run off with Miss Anne than he would marry y-, uh, Lady Catherine!" Charles Bingley declared. "I don't really see what your concern in all of this is. Anyway, Darcy told me himself that he intends to announce his engagement to Miss Bennet at the ball."

Caroline looked at her brother in exasperation. "You are totally useless!" she huffed, and turned away abruptly to the door.

"Where are you going now? Don't be bothering Darcy with your silly notions, Caroline."

"I have no intention of seeing Darcy. I'm going to see his aunt. I'm sure she will have something to say about this!" And with that she left the room.

But Caroline's news seemed to have the opposite effect of the one she intended when she at last managed to impart it to Lady Catherine.

"Oh, he has finally come to his senses!" cried the older woman. "I knew Anne would prevail in the end. Well, actually I had severe doubts, but that's of no consequence now. The point is that he has honoured his mother's wishes and whisked my darling Anne off as his bride. It was a narrow escape from that conniving young woman, but all's well that end's well." She peered closely at Caroline Bingley. "And you say that Miss Bennet keeps to her room above stairs? That she is to ill too make an appearance below? Too ill, indeed! Too embarrassed at having been caught out, most like!"

Caroline felt rather ill herself. Darcy out of her reach, Anne de Burgh in the place that should rightfully be hers....... She suddenly felt a little more sympathy for Eliza Bennet. But it was short-lived. Especially in view of the fact that Toddles entered the parlour at that very moment.

"Miss Bingley, how delightful to see you."

Caroline cast him a look that would curdle milk. "Perhaps your sparkling wit would be better put to use in cheering up Miss Bennet. I understand her to be feeling a little under the weather in light of Mr. Darcy's imminent departure."

"Departure? Darcy? What on earth could you be meaning?" Toddles waddled over in her direction.

Lady Catherine spoke up from her lair in the corner. "He has taken my Anne off to Gretna Green to marry her, Toddles. My nephew has finally realized the value of his mother's and my schemes, er, plans for the two of them, and has dutifully carried them out."

Toddles stood with his mouth open for several minutes, then scuttled away without so much as a by-your-leave.

Not ten minutes later he was found by Charles Bingley, curled into a pathetic ball outside Miss Bennet's room. In his hand was a crumpled bit of paper.

"Toddles, what is all this fuss? What is it, man?"

Toddles held the paper aloft, narrowly missing Bingley's left nostril. Bingley grabbed it and scanned the contents. His right eyebrow rose. His left eyebrow rose. He looked at the huddled man at his feet.

"Have no fear, Toddles. I'll take care of this!" Bingley strode quickly down the hall in search of Georgiana.

Toddles looked up and wiped his nose on his sleeve. A sudden determination gleamed in his eye. "I haven't lost her yet. Oh, no Darcy. Not yet. Let's see how you handle this!" With that, the little man hurried off to his room to compose a letter to Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.

The express rider reined in his mount at the front door of Longbourn, both panting with the exertion of the trip. The housekeeper met him at the door and exchanged a few coins for the small piece of paper in his hand. She then carried the paper to the door of the library and knocked. When the voice within answered, she entered and left the missive on the desktop before retreating, closing the door behind her.

The peaceful quiet of the house was shattered moments later by a loud cry of "NEVER!! NEVER, NOT IN A THOUSAND YEARS WILL I PERMIT IT!!!!" and the library door flung violently to, crashing out and back to the doorframe once more.

"FANNY! FANNY!" Mr. Bennet shouted. "This is your doing, I know it! FANNY, WHERE ARE YOU?"

Mrs. Bennet peeped her head out from around the sitting room door. "Whatever is the matter with you? Have some compassion for my poor nerves! All this loud banging and crashing, shouting and brou-ha-ha. I cannot stand it, no, not one little bit! Pray, dear husband, tell me what is it?"

He waved the paper under her nose and stared down his own at her. "Why only that my Lizzie has been carried away to Scotland by that.... that.....that arrogant Darcy fellow. Who knows what may befall her! Toddles writes that there was much subterfuge, and that Lizzie had been tucked safely in her room to all intents and purposes, when suddenly it was discovered that the two of them were gone! And upon interrogation of the servants it was discovered that Darcy and another person, unknown at this time but probably in his employ, and dressed in servant's clothing had bundled a third person, my Lizzie!, into a carriage which was seen tearing off in the direction of the north road! I tell you Mrs. Bennet, when I get my hands on that man...... Argh! I must be away to Scotland at once. Perhaps there is still time....."

At that, he rushed upstairs, calling for his man to pack his things, ready the horses, bring the carriage round... "Don't be all day about it, man!"

Mrs. Bennet looked back at her other daughters assembled in the sitting room. Jane's eyes were big and round, unable to believe a word of the story. Kitty looked frightened, Mary about to present a sermon, but Lydia..... Lydia merely breathed a sigh of relief, thinking I'm glad I didn't run off with George when he suggested it! Lord, what a fuss! Who would have thought it of Lizzie, though!

Then Mrs. Bennet clapped her hands together gleefully. "Oh what a wonderful thing for my Lizzie! Imagine, girls! Ten thousand a year! What jewels, what clothes!"

"What an arrogant snob for a husband." Lydia muttered.

"Oh Lydia," her mother admonished. "You must keep your mind on the important things. What riches your sister will have! Oh, I can't wait to see his estate!"

She continued on in this vein long after the front doors had slammed shut behind her husband's retreating form, and he was well on his way to Scotland.

To Be Continued.......

By Bodecia

Posted on Thursday, 4 March 1999

Upon reaching Gretna Green, Mr. Bennet began the search for his favorite daughter. Noticing a constable on the street corner he at once secured his aid in the search.

"Constable, please can you aide me in recovering my daughter" he asked breathlessly, "she has been abducted by a horrible man, who is making her marry him under duress."

The Constable, Mr. Doone, having listened to Mr. Bennet's plea agreed to help him locate the couple.

"Sir, I myself have a favorite daughter, Lorna, whom I would hate to have in such a situation" he replied. "Of course I will aid you, come lets go to the License Bureau."

Mr. Bennet followed the kindly constable to the office of the local License Bureau. As soon as they entered the office, the clerk turned to greet them.

"Welcome, may I be of service?" he asked.

Mr. Bennet, catching his breath, agitatedly replied, "Yes, a gentleman and lady would have arrived here earlier today, did you give them a license?"

The clerk scratched his head then said, "Hmm, a couple did come in nearly an hour ago, they seemed in a great rush. I sent them to the chapel on _____ Street."

Mr. Bennet felt ill, as he continued questioning the man, "And what names did they give you?"

"Why I believe it was a Mr. Fitzwilliam…"

Before the clerk could finish Mr. Bennet was out the door of the office with the constable close on his heels.

Mr. Bennet was moving at a quick trot down the road before the constable caught up to him. "Please sir," he panted "we have time, I know Mr. Graves and he seldom gets to the church before noon."

On hearing this Mr. Bennet slowed his pace down some as he neared chapel. Suddenly a large coach came speeding up to the door of the chapel. As it came to a stop the door opened and a body, which Mr. Bennet recognized as that of Mr. Toddles, came tumbling out.

Splat!

Mr. Toddles found himself face down in a puddle as first Caroline Bingley, then Lady Catherine exited the coach walking over him.

"Thank you, Toddles" was all Lady Catherine said to him as she ran for the door of the chapel.

Mr. Bennet, on witnessing this sight, nearly forgot his mission. But he was soon brought back to reality as Miss Bingley cried out, "Mr. Bennet! Thank God you are here to stop this catastrophe."

Grabbing him by the arm, Caroline jerked him toward the chapel, nearly knocking Lady Catherine down in the process. The couple at the altar seemed quite oblivious to the commotion going on behind them, as they were locked in a passionate embrace.

"Oh No!" screeched Caroline, leaning on Mr. Bennet for support.

The couple startled from their rapture, turned and looked at the odd group assembled before them.

"Good God, Anne not Richard!" screamed Lady Catherine as she fainted dead away.

Anne, smiling at her husband said politely, "May I introduce you all to my husband Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam."

Mr. Bennet, freeing himself of Miss Bingley, walked toward the newlyweds and asked, "But where is Elizabeth and that that Darcy fellow!"

"Oh, are you Mr. Bennet?" Richard inquired of the gentleman standing before him.

"I am, and where is my daughter?"

"Why didn't you get the express she sent you?" Anne queried.

"Express, what Express!"

"Why, Miss Bennet wanted your approval before marrying, so she and Darcy sent an express asking you to join them there at her Uncle's house." Anne replied.

Toddles, who had been watching the whole episode unfold, stood in the back of the chapel with a devilish grin on his face.

By Eva

Posted on Friday, 5 March 1999

Mr. Bennet was relieved to hear that his daughter had not eloped.

"I knew my Lizzy would never do anything to disgrace our family. I shall go to London direct and see her."

Toddles cleared his throat (an absolutely disgusting noise, by the way) and said sanctimoniously-

"I hope, my dear Mr. Bennet, that you will properly chastise your daughter for running away from her fiancée. I know that you would oppose the match in any case, but if you feel unwilling to punish her, I would be glad to do the honours, especially since she is engaged to me, I feel it my duty to punish her."

Mr. Bennet had achieved the glazed eyes that he always got when Toddles was around.

"Oh, yes, yes, anything, just go away!" he said.

Toddles jumped in the air with elation, hopped into the carriage he'd just been unceremoniously ejected from, and set off post haste for Cheapside. Just what type of punishment he was thinking of would be best left to the imagination.

Once Toddles had gone, Mr. Bennet shook himself awake, and ran back to his carriage. "To Cheapside, and at once!" he cried. "I must save my daughter!" Caroline followed him, and got in the carriage just as it was moving off. "I must save my darling Darcy!" Lady Catherine remained with her daughter and new son-in-law, a little miffed at what had happened, but what happens between them is another story and will be told another time.

Meanwhile, back at Pemberley, the hordes of young women were at a loose end now that their Messiah had gone. They knocked down the front door and searched the house for him, but obviously he was nowhere to be found. The servants tried to stop them from destroying the place, but they could not be stopped from tearing down curtains, pulling books off shelves and other nasty stuff in anger at the departure of their leader. Mrs. Reynolds, after many failed attempts, decided that only one thing was to be done. As the master had taken one carriage, three servants the chaise and four, and the other carriage was in for repairs, she was forced to take a horse. Riding bareback and astride, she made her way to London to seek assistance.

By Jen R

Posted on Friday, 12 March 1999

Mr. Toddles arrived and descended from his horse, which neighed in relief at being released from so heavy and clumsy a load. He made his way to a small shop in a less than reputable area of Cheapside.

At the ringing of the bell at the door, a woman of indeterminate age and definite uncleanness looked up to see a somewhat greasy man enter hesitantly.

"Good day, guv'nor. How can I serve ye?" she said, rather surprised to find such a well-dressed man in her establishment. Not that his clothes were particularly attractive-in fact, he sported an orange tie and a maroon jacket-but they were cleaner than she was accustomed to. As she ruminated, she realized this was the first instance of a man entering her shop alone. Men never seemed to need what she offered.

Not, she thought with a grimace, that I've ever wanted what the scoundrels offer me!

"Ah... well... you see, my good woman," mumbled Toddles, "I hear your shop specializes in... that is to say--"

"We tailor fine corsets for young ladies, sir, and beggin' thy pardon, I'm not sure ye've a need for such underpinnings." Here, her expression changed. "Unless ye've a taste for such clothing yerself... 't wouldn't be the first time!"

Toddles' eyes widened. "NO! No.... it is not for myself. There is a young lady of my acquaintance. I should like to purchase her some... ah, unmentionables, and I've been told you trade in Florentine leather garments...."

The woman smiled knowingly. "Nudge-nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more...."

Elizabeth paced the floor of Mrs. Gardiner's sitting room.

"Papa, how could you doubt him so severely?" she said. "Perhaps I did not always love him so well as I do now. But in such cases as these, a good memory is unpardonable. And to think him capable of such a transgression! He, who has always prided himself on his upright behaviour! Papa, you have judged him far worse than I ever did.

"Would you have objected, if you had not first suspected his guilt?" Lizzy bit her lip. "I suppose I shall never know." She looked sadly at the empty room.

"Perhaps not, my dear." Startled, Lizzy turned to see her father at the door. "But now that I know your true heart, I feel easier about the situation. After all, I am well aware that one's heart can change."

As he held his daughter, Lizzy did not notice the strange light in his eye.

Miss Bingley crept into the library, and rejoiced to find Mr. Darcy pacing alone. It is not for nothing I have stalked him for all these years, studying his habits.

"Mr. Darcy!"

He jumped up. "Miss Bingley, I was not aware you were in London. I trust you had a safe journey?"

"Mr. Darcy," purred Miss Bingley.

"Miss Bingley, I do not--"

"I was so very glad to find you had not taken leave of your senses after all. Marry Miss Anne, at Gretna Greene! I greatly pity your Aunt Catherine for the whole affair."

"Indeed. Miss Bingley--"

"The moment I discovered you were gone, I realized I could love only you."

"Now there's a surprise," muttered Darcy.

"What did you say, dearest?" Miss Bingley crept forward like a contented orange tabby.

"Nothing of import. Miss Bingley, may I remind you that you have a most promising engagement to Mr. Toddles. Have you set a date yet?"

"Ah, my dear, always worrying about propriety. I assure you, I am willing to forget my engagement if you are willing to forget yours."

Darcy frowned. "The only day I would be willing to forget my engagement is the day I fulfill my promise to Miss Bennet. If you will excuse me."

"But lovecup!" shrieked Miss Bingley, running after Darcy into the hall. "Think of what beautiful children we could have!" Darcy turned to look at her.

"If children are all you want, I suggest you discuss your reproductive urges with Mr. Toddles. He would make a wonderful mother!" he called as he strode away.

Hearing this last speech, Mr. Bennet looked at his daughter with a quizzical look on his face. "Can it be that Mr. Darcy has learned to laugh at himself? If this is so, you are better suited than I could have hoped. You have my blessing."

Elizabeth smiled. "Perhaps he has learned to laugh at himself to some small degree. But he will not be such a proficient as we two without careful instruction!"

Mr. Toddles made his next stop. "Engaged to Mr. Darcy? Her father on the point of approving the match? Inconceivable!"

"Sir," the apothecary said, "I have no idea what you are talking about."

Mr. Toddles looked up nervously. "Oh, ha, silly me! What I meant to say, of course, is that I should like to buy some iocane powder."

"I am sorry, sir, but a gentleman came by a short time ago and bought my last portion of it."

"You are out, then? cried Toddles. "That is totally and in all ways inconceivable!" He turned to leave, but then returned and asked "What did he look like?"

"Tall, dark, well dressed. Perhaps you know him? I believe his name is Mr. Darcy. My second youngest daughter cannot stop talking about him."

"Ah," said Toddles. "Thank you, then, I shall not need anything more. Goodnight, sir!"

So it's a battle of the wits you want, Darcy. Well, I am ready.

By Marks

Posted on Saturday, 13 March 1999

Toddles Dresses Up

Fitzwilliam Darcy looked at the two packages that he had bought from the apothecary for his friends.

The first package had been requested by Mrs. Gardiner:

PARSONS' PURGATIVE - THE EFFICACY OF EPSOM SALTS AND COD LIVER OIL COMBINED - THE ORIGINAL "DOSE OF SALTS"

The second package in a similar container had been requested by Mr. Bennet, but was a little more puzzling:

INGROM'S IOCANE - THE BRIDE'S FRIEND.

Mrs. C. Of the Parsonage, Hunsford, Kent writes of Ingrom's Iocane - "I can't remember a thing of my wedding night! Hallelujah!"

Mr. E Of the Parsonage, Hartfield writes - "For two whole hours, I never heard the words 'Maple Grove' or 'Caro Sposo'

Mr. B of the Parsonage, Mansfield, writes - "Fanny and I both used your product, and can't remember a thing of our wedding night.

Mr. and Mrs. T of the Parsonage, Woodston, write - "The container of Ingrom's was just the right size to stick under the wobbly leg of our marriage bed and almost assuredly prevented a severe case of motion sickness and carpet burns on the muslin sheets"

Mr. and Mrs. W of a cottage somewhere near Kellynch write - "The container of Ingrom's was just the right size to stick under the perfectly good leg of our marriage bed to cause it to sway like a ship at sea. No wonder sailors call your product 'The Midshipman's Friend.' My wife and I were most reassured by your guarantee of satisfaction.

Mrs. K of Hartfield writes - "A little in my father's gruel before our wedding night, and...heh, heh!"

Mr. Darcy looked at the packages in perplexity. He gave up with a sigh, imagining them to be something that he might begin to understand after he was married. At this he smiled, for after all, he was going to get married, and to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and not even that objectionable Toddles was going to get in the way.

He entered the Gardiners' house, and gave the Purgative to the maid, and the Iocane to Mr. Bennet, who furtively concealed the package under his coat.

About five minutes later, Toddles reached the Gardiners, and he was admitted by the maid.

"Did Mr. Darcy leave a package from the Apothecary anywhere?" He asked the maid imperiously.

"Indeed Sir! I have but now put it in the pantry." Was the maid's reply.

"I need to have some right away!"

The maid, remembering that the package was of 'Parson's Purgative' could barely suppress a snicker as she regarded the corpulent figure before her.

"I shall fetch it for you then sir."

"Er, no! I shall get it for myself, if you please!" muttered Toddles.

"Well then, it is just inside the door of the pantry, but be careful Mr. Toddles, it is quite dark in there."

Toddles lumbered for the pantry and opened the door. As he felt on the pantry shelf for the package, he heard a sudden movement in the darkness. Suddenly two bodies pushed past him into light of the kitchen.

"Miss Bennet! Mr. Darcy! What, what, what is the meaning of this?" He stammered. "What are you doing with my fiancee Mr. Darcy?"

Although Elizabeth was busy adjusting her dress, she managed to roll her eyes at Darcy. "Mr. Toddles, I have made myself plain on this matter many times. Mr Darcy is my fiancee. Come dearest!" She then helped Darcy adjust the last of his buttons in a way that seemed to underline the status of their relationship.

Toddles burnt with fury. 'Just you wait!' He thought. 'My plan will soon have you in my power, woman!' (fiendish giggle at this point).

As soon as they left, he went back into the pantry and opened the packet of what he thought was iocane, and emptied it into a small sugar bowl which he then took with him to the breakfast room.

"Good morning to you, Mrs. Gardiner. I come here with permission of Mr. Bennet."

Mrs. Gardiner and her husband looked at Mr. Bennet in surprise.

"Is that not so Mr. Bennet?" said Toddles.

Mr. Bennet's eyes glazed over. "Yes, yes, anything!" He said.

Toddles' eyes roved over the empty seats, rejecting the one next to lady Catherine in her blue gown, and instead sitting himself between Elizabeth and Mrs. Bennet. He placed the "sugar" bowl in front of Elizabeth.

The servants brought in the first breakfast course. Large steaming bowls of porridge!

Toddles saw his chance!

"Look out the window, is that a black swan?" As all eyes craned to see, toddles spooned a generous amount of "sugar/purgative" into Elizabeth's porridge. 'That ought to knock her out, now for that interfering Darcy.'

"Good heavens! Look on that wall! Is that a painting by Joshua Reynolds?" As the eyes craned again, Toddles spooned some more "sugar' into Darcy's porridge bowl. Mind you, as Toddles did that, Elizabeth switched bowls with him.

Mr. Bennet saw his chance. "Mrs. Gardiner, is that fresco on the ceiling a genuine italian piece?" He then spooned a large amount of Iocane - "the Bride's Friend" into his wife's bowl as all eyes gazed heavenwards, Caroline did not notice that Darcy switched his bowl for hers.

Now Mrs. Bennet, as the mother of five children knew of her husband's little tricks. "Good heavens!" She cried "Just look at the pattern on that dado!" and switched bowls with Toddles.

"Right!" said Toddles through clenched teeth. "Just look up there at that candelabra!"

Just at that moment there was a commotion as a rather tall man in an army uniform strode into the room.

"STOP THAT! STOP THAT! YOU ARE ALL JUST BEING SILLY!"

"And who are you, if I may ask?" said Mr. Gardiner.

Toddles went white. "FFFFather!" he quivered.

"Yes! Major General Sir Tristram Toddles as you see!"

"NOW EVERYBODY, JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

"But Father!"

"BUT FATHER NOTHING. EAT!!!!!"

Toddles and the rest dutifully ate their porridge without interruption under the steely gaze of Major General Sir Tristram Toddles.

Well, almost without interruption, as suddenly Caroline rose from her chair as if jet propelled and headed outside. Within a minute Mrs. Bennet followed with Mr. Bennet in her wake "I'm coming my little tulip. No need for such a hurry." Suddenly Toddles started to sway in his seat before the almost empty porridge bowl. The servants noticed this and hurriedly refilled the bowl with warm porridge, just in time for Toddles to fall face down in it. Splat!"

You might have thought that this would have had his father alarmed, but the Major General was otherwise occupied. He had locked eyes with Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and with the experience that only years in the military can give, he was almost levitating her out of her seat with his gaze. "Come my little claymore. We have things to do. Now!" They left arm in arm, and headed upstairs, followed by the Gardiners.

That left only Elizabeth, Darcy, and the comatose Toddles who was marinating in warm porridge.

A maid came up to Elizabeth. "If you please Miss, a package has just arrived for you from Mr. Toddles"

Elizabeth looked at Darcy doubtfully, but he shrugged his shoulders as if to say, 'open it if you are curious.'

Out tumbled a tangle of leather strings and triangles and an account from "Larry's Florentine Emporium of Leather Lace And Tasteful International Imports."

Darcy and Elizabeth looked at each other with raised eyebrows. They then looked at the sleeping form of Toddles, and the pile of leather triangles and strings, and an evil grin crept over both faces.

"Fitzwilliam, we mustn't." Said Elizabeth.

"Yes, it would be terribly wrong wouldn't it?" Said Fitzwilliam as he disentangled one item from the packet and held it against Toddles as if to check for size.

"I mean dearest, we would feel so ashamed, wouldn't we?" Replied Lizzy as she showed Darcy how to adjust the straps to fit Toddles.

"I for one would find it hard to live with myself, dearest, sweetest Elizabeth." Said Darcy as he removed Toddles shirt, and slid the man's arms through the straps of the leatherware, fastening the clasp at the back.

"Oh, those cups fit him perfectly. You did that so well darling Fitzwilliam! But perhaps you are right, we should leave him be."

"Elizabeth." Breathed Darcy softly. "You seem to have spilt something on your chest there. What is it?"

"Oh dear, I seem to have dropped some Nutella on myself there again, that's the fourth time this week. Silly me."

"Well then, as a Gentleman, I suppose I should help you remove it." Said Darcy, reaching toward Elizabeth's rather low cut dress.

"Tut! Tut! Mr. Darcy. No hands there please! We are, as yet unmarried!"

Darcy licked his lips in anticipation of that happy event. "It shall be as you wish my dear." He then approached her with his hands firmly clasped behind his back.

"MMMMM!MMMMM! Nutella! It is so tasty!" Exclaimed Darcy much later.

They had finished their breakfast in peace, and after their last Nutella on toast they rose to leave.

"Pantry?" Said Darcy.

"Yup."

They left for the kitchen. As they departed, Darcy scooped up the rest of the Florentine Leather. Just to make it easier for the servants to clean up. Of course!

Upstairs in one of the guest bedrooms two people were smoking. One dressed as a Major General in the British Army, the other in a blue gown with Brussels lace.

"You know Catherine," said the man, "I have always admired women in uniform!"

Toddles And Austen.com

By Leareth

Posted on Thursday, 18 March 1999

Author's Note: (How many DWG stories can you find in here?)

Mrs. Reynolds did not have very good eyesight. The dark night did not assist her either. She squinted, trying to decipher the lettering on the signpost. She did not know the way to London very well and was afraid of making an erroneous detour and so was resolved upon checking all the signposts.

Suddenly, she and the horse were startled by the appearance of a man out of the trees. He was big and looked very mean as he handled the club. He gave a shrill whistle and two more ruffians appeared.

"Well, ma'am, yer're travellin' late," he drawled. "You'd be wantin' to travel light. Why don I 'elp you lose some of that coin, so yew kin travel a bit fasta, eh?"

Mrs. Reynolds gasped and feared for her life but as if by chance a large carriage with two ladies inside appeared. The ruffians were either very startled or they saw the three soldiers riding alongside but whatever it was, they disappeared. The carriage pulled to a stop and one of the ladies leaned out.

"Are you all right there?" she inquired. Mrs. Reynolds replied in a very flustered manner and said she was trying to get to London.

"Why, we are traveling there ourselves. Why don't you travel with us?" said the second lady.

Mrs. Reynolds readily agreed, thankful for this angelic intervention. The horse was given to the footman to ride to London.

"I am most profoundly grateful, madam. And whom do I have the honour of addressing?" asked the Pemberley housekeeper.

"Oh, I am Lady Eva and this is my friend Miss Bodecia. And you?"

"Mrs. Reynolds, housekeeper of Pemberley."

"And what is your business in London?"

"I have to report a matter of urgency to my master. He is in Town at present and has no idea of what is happening at home!"

Meanwhile, in London, Toddles was not having a good day. He could not find 'his' Elizabeth or her blasted fiancé, and his father had coerced him into playing a game of chess, and the cook would not make his favourite dessert dish, and a pretty maid carrying a bowl of soup nearby was rolling her eyes every time he spoke. He got the impression she didn't like him very much.

His father moved a piece while Toddles argued with the cook.

"I want mah cheesie-poofs!" he whined, his voice high-pitched, nasal and with a strange accent.

"No, I am serving chocolate pudding!" yelled the cook.

"I hate chocolate! Can't you make cheesie-poofs, Marks?" He absently moved a knight.

"The master likes chocolate, so live with it!" said the pudding-master. (Mr. Marks was renowned throughout the country for his wonderful puddings.) "I wonder . . . would he mind if I used Nutella?" mused he.

The elder Mr. Toddles stared at the board, puzzled as to what to do next. The maid, who was Irish and nicknamed 'Teg' (her full name was too long and complicated to remember), thought carefully and after great deliberation, whispered something into the General's ear. With this assistance, the man had a flash of insight and moved a piece, waiting for his son to fall into the trap.

"Marks, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!" begged the man. Picking a piece, Toddles made his move.

"NO! We are having chocolate!" Marks stormed out, head high.

Toddles groaned - his drug-induced sleep had given him a frightful headache - as his father laughed maniacally and moved his Queen into Checkmate position.

"Haha! Again, you lose!"

The maid grinned and 'accidentally' tripped over the carpet - dropping the hot chicken soup into Toddles's lap.

Toddles gave a loud howl.

"Oh dear, sir, please allow me to apologise," she said sweetly.

No, Toddles was not having a good day.

The reason Toddles could not find the fugitive couple was because he did not like the outdoors. Had he gone to the park, he might have found them. Then again, maybe not, as the two were quite well hidden - and occupied.

Unfortunately, this agreeable activity which involved a lot of mouth work but no words was interrupted as the sky fell on top of them.

The 'sky' was a book. There were vampires and stakes on the cover and the author was a G. Irlbeck. The lady looked up to see a girl of perhaps sixteen sitting in the tree.

"Oh, great, now I have to climb down and get it. Just as I was up to the good part," grumbled the girl.

"Aren't you a bit old to be climbing trees?" asked Elizabeth, giving the book to Darcy, who being taller, handed the book back to its owner.

"Probably. Who cares? This is one of the best trees in the park - I like climbing." She looked at them strangely. "I take it from up here that you two are more than just good friends. Someone might see you two - that's not a very good hiding-spot."

As if to prove her words, Miss Bingley stumbled over them. She stared at the pair without understanding, looking a bit green. Miss Bingley shook her head, trying to rid herself of her dizziness.

"I think I'm hallucinating . . . ."

After catching her breath, she stumbled off again.

"What's wrong with her?" asked the girl.

"I imagine she ate something that didn't agree with her," said Darcy, trying not to smile. "What is your name?"

"Miss Leareth."

"You seem to know all the good hiding spots and good climbing trees in this park - is there another place we could go to?"

"There's a really good one about twenty yards north."

"Thank you." He helped Elizabeth to her feet and rearranged his coat. "Good day to you."

"May the Force be with you," replied the girl, going back to the book, oblivious to the world.

The pair walked slowly to the location given, puzzled by the girl's farewell remark.

"It is quite hot, isn't it?" remarked Elizabeth some - actually, a long time later.

"What a pity we are not at Pemberley - the lakes are wonderfully cool and clear there."

Meanwhile, back at the house, there was a tap on the front door. Now isn't that a funny place to put a tap?

Seriously, there was a tap on the door. Teg opened it to find a young lady standing there. She was a friend of Georgiana's, and her name was Miss Jen.

"Is Georgiana or her brother in?" asked the lady.

"No, the master is out walking and the mistress has not come to Town."

"Oh, what a pity! for I have such news! That man who Georgiana used to have a slight fancy for - he's been arrested! Overdue gambling debts, I believe. Very wicked." The lady laughed. "But I suppose Wickham and wickedness go very well together. I never did like him."

"Would you like to wait for the master to return?" asked Teg.

"Oh no, I have to see a friend of mine. I shall return when dear Georgiana returns." She turned and left.

It had been a most confusing and strange time for everyone in the Darcy household - and it seemed it was going to get even more confusing and even more stranger.

Toddles Runs For Cover.....

By Teg

Posted on Wednesday, 24 March 1999

Colonel Fitzwilliam surveyed the land between his position and the house. All seemed quiet, but he knew that looks could be deceiving.

"Carruthers." he whispered.

A movement at his left indicated the arrival of the Lieutenant. "Yes, sir?"

"Take five men and circle around there," said the Colonel, gesturing to the small copse off to the right of the house. "I want to know what's going on inside. Send one man back to report in ten minutes."

"Yes, sir." The young officer backed away and rounded up his men for the assignment.

"Jameson." Fitzwilliam looked at his second for a moment. "Have the rest of the men prepare to advance on my signal. When we go in I want it to be quick, with as little bloodshed as possible."

"Bloodshed, sir?" Jameson appeared startled. "I thought this was a group of ladies."

Fitzwilliam shook his head as if to clear it. "No, not bloodshed. I mean as little trouble as possible, of course. Jameson, these aren't just any ladies. In fact, I'm not sure we should be calling them ladies at all! Women. Women is what they are. And downright possessed, too."

"Demons!" came a whisper from behind.

"Now, don't go starting that kind of talk, Wilson." Jameson shushed.

Fitzwilliam rolled his eyes. "Okay, poor choice of words. Obsessed. That's more like it. They are obsessed."

"Obsessed with what?" Jameson enquired. Then he answered for himself. "Of course! I've heard that this Darcy fellow has quite a following of admirers. But I never imagined anyone could excite so many ladies...er, women... to leave their homes and travel such a distance just to see him! What does he have that's so special?"

"Money!" came that whisper from behind.

"No," another whisper countered. "It's that brooding he does so well. Haven't you seen how he reduces women to jelly when he gives them one of those looks?"

"Quiet!" Fitzwilliam whispered loudly. "It isn't Darcy. It's me."

No-one ventured any comment.

Jameson finally cleared his throat. "I'll go prepare the men to advance, sir," and he disappeared into the darkness.

A few minutes later word arrived from the scouting party that the house was relatively quiet. Fitzwilliam sent the rest of the regiment in anyway. Most of the ladies had dispersed, leaving only a few dissidents still remaining who were easily dispatched...... er.... sent on their way.

The house was a disaster. Fitzwilliam ordered his second to organize clean-up parties to begin repairing the damage. Then he moved through the house searching for survivors..... er... prisoners..... er..... anyone who actually belonged at Pemberley.

He discovered that the dining room doors were barricaded. "Hello? Who's in there? It's Colonel Fitzwilliam!"

A muffled voice on the other side called out something that sounded like "Our Saviour" and he stepped back in alarm at the sound of furniture being dragged away from the door. Vainly he looked for some place to take cover should a bevy of females emerge from the room.

The door cracked open and a head popped out.

"Bingley!" cried Fitzwilliam in relief.

"Oh, Richard!" cried Georgiana as she spilled out the doors. She was followed by Mr. and Mrs. Hurst. "We had to lock ourselves in here when the house was overrun. Where is my brother? Have you seen him? Does he know what's been going on here?"

"Slow down, Georgiana. I don't know where Darcy is. We left him at the turnpike. He and Miss Bennet went on to London."

"Well, of course I know they went to London. He left me a note." Georgiana said impatiently. "But how did you know that? And what do you mean 'we' left him at the turnpike?"

Fitzwilliam grinned sheepishly at his cousin. "Anne and I went on to Gretna Green. We were married."

"Oh, how wonderful!" cried Georgiana, throwing herself into his arms to give him a congratulatory embrace. But I wonder what Lady Catherine had to say to that!

"So, how did you find out about the trouble here?" Bingley asked.

Fitzwilliam pried Georgiana away from him before replying. "One of the stable lads had ridden all the way to Gretna Green, sought out his master's coach, thinking that Darcy was there, and found me instead. He related to me all that was happening here. I rounded up a regiment, with the assistance of my good friend, General MacArthur, and came down here poste haste."

"And thank goodness for that, too!" the others all said in unison.

Teg opened the front door of the Darcy house (not that she usually answered a knock at the front door, but the last few days had been so wild and unpredictable that the butler was suffering from some sort of malady that kept him to his bed) to see a rather disheveled looking older woman.

"Ye've got the wrong house, I'm sure." she said in her strongest Irish lilt.

The woman merely looked at her wearily and said "Is the master in? I need to speak to him on a matter of utmost urgency."

"Do you need some help, Teg?" called Marks from down the hallway. The last thing they needed in this house was another loony in the ranks. Lord knew, Toddles was more than enough! Marks approached the door and peered around the maid. "Mrs. Reynolds!" he cried in shock. "Come in, come in!"

As the older woman entered she said again "Is the master in? I must see him immediately."

Marks nodded to Teg.

"I'll go check the pantry." she said with a leering grin, as the pudding-master led Mrs. Reynolds into the servants' hall and furnished her with a cup of steaming tea.

In a few minutes Darcy appeared, looking nearly as disheveled as his housekeeper. "What is it, Mrs. Reynolds? What brings you from Pemberley?" he asked anxiously.

"Oh, sir!" she wailed. "'Tis all those women you left behind." Marks and Teg exchanged amazed glances. They were beginning to wonder what sort of a man their employer was. "After they discovered Colonel Fitzwilliam's absence they revolted, and descended upon Pemberley like demons from hell! There was no stopping them! Every window, every entry into the house was compromised.... they tore draperies from their moorings, knocked over furniture....."

Darcy stared at her in horror. "And Georgiana? Where is my sister?"

"Mr. Bingley and Mr. Hurst ushered the ladies into the dining room and barricaded all of the doors. They were quite safe when I left. But something must be done and quickly, sir!"

"Yes, you are quite right! I must be off to Derbyshire immediately!" Darcy cried.

"I don't believe it."

"It's true, sir." Jameson said. "We found a group of them in the gallery upstairs. They were sitting on the floor in front of Darcy's portrait and chanting some nonsense about the messiah."

"No, it was a gift from God, sir." corrected Wilson.

"Oh, yes," Jameson nodded. "'God's gift to women'. That's what they said."

"Hmmm." Fitzwilliam rubbed a hand along his chin. "Did you get any of their names?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. But only their first names. They refused to give us any more than that." Jameson snapped his fingers and Wilson pulled a list from his pocket. "There's Lu, Genette, Leah-Michelle, Lisa-Michelle--"

"French women?!?" Fitzwilliam gasped.

"Jimmy, Ann," continued Jameson.

"Wait a minute..... Jimmy?" Fitzwilliam looked at him with narrowed eyes.

"That's what she said, sir." Wilson piped up.

"Laura, Dawn, and some who at least provided an initial," Jameson sighed. "Danielle L., Ellen M., Carrie G.,---"

"I get the idea, Lieutenant." Fitzwilliam was silent a moment. "What are they doing now?"

"Staring at his portrait and mumbling rather incoherently. I don't understand it, sir. It's not even the real Darcy, it's just a painting." Jameson replied, puzzled.

Wilson was equally confused. "Where are their husbands, their fathers, their brothers? Who would allow them to traipse across the country in this fashion?"

"You didn't see the mob that was here earlier," said a passing footman. "No brigand in his right mind would have tried anything on with one of them!"

"Richard?" came Georgiana's voice from the hallway. "Richard, where are you?"

"Here, cousin." Fitzwilliam called.

"Oh, there you are." she said as she walked into the room. "We're off to London, now. We must let my brother know what has happened and that you have everything under control. Mr. Bingley and the Hursts are waiting at the carriage for me."

Fitzwilliam gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Safe journey, Georgiana."

"Thank you, Richard. Give my love to Anne." she added shyly as she left.

"Wait a moment, Fitzwilliam," Elizabeth put her hand on his arm, effectively halting his progress.

"There's no time, Elizabeth. I must be off directly after breakfast." Darcy gazed at her solemnly.

"But you can't leave!" she protested. "You know I have to leave first. What if someone sees you?"

Darcy laughed. "Elizabeth, every servant in the house knows we're in here! Why do think we're never disturbed?"

"Oh." Darcy would have seen how deeply she blushed if there had been more light in the pantry. "All right. You go first, I'll follow in a few minutes."

Darcy raised her hand to his lips. "Thank you, my love."

Elizabeth drew in a sharp breath.

Several minutes later, Darcy emerged from the pantry.

Marks turned to Mrs. Reynolds with a wink. "You see that grin on his face? Hasn't disappeared since he brought her to London."

The pantry door opened again, and Elizabeth stepped out. She glanced into the kitchen and noticed the cook and the housekeeper watching her. She coughed slightly and said, "You're a bit low on chocolate, Marks. You might wish to acquire some more." Then she turned quickly and slipped into the breakfast room.

Elizabeth received a letter from Jane that morning, saying she was coming to London to help her sister with wedding arrangements.

"Oh, what terrible timing," Elizabeth moaned. "You'll be gone up north. She won't be able to see you."

Darcy looked up from his plate. "What's that, my dear? Who won't be able to see me?"

"Jane. She's coming to London today."

"Oh, that's too bad," Darcy said between mouthfuls. He was ravenously hungry, and had a long trip ahead. The cook had laid out a wondrous selection on the buffet. "But she'll be able to keep you company in my absence, at least. I'll feel better about that."

About this time the others began filtering down for their morning meal. Toddles and Caroline looked surprised to see Darcy and Elizabeth already eating their meals at this early hour. Both had been hoping to be the first ones to the table to be assured of seats near their intended conquests. When they were informed of Darcy's plan to return immediately to Pemberley, Toddles was ecstatic. Now he would have his chance to snare Elizabeth away from that arrogant snob. Caroline fumed. It would be impossible for her to follow Darcy this time.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were disappointed to learn of Darcy's departure, but understood his reasons. Well, Mr. Bennet understood them. What Mrs. Bennet managed to comprehend is anyone's guess. As long as Darcy was still engaged to her daughter, and they ended up married, where the man scurried off to was of no importance!

With breakfast over with, Darcy was saying his good-byes to his house guests. Then he and Elizabeth were at the steps of the carriage making their bittersweet adieu. Darcy tossed his hat and gloves onto the seat inside and turned to take his lady's hands in his.

"I'll return as quickly as I can, but I don't know what awaits me at Pemberley. I'll send you word when I've seen what needs to be done."

"Take care, Fitzwilliam. Don't do anything foolish." Elizabeth had tears in her eyes.

Darcy watched as one tear escaped and made its way down her cheek. Gently, he kissed it away. "I must be off, now." he said softly, as Elizabeth nodded.

"Sir? Mr. Darcy, sir!" called one of the footman.

Darcy sighed and looked up at the doorway. "What is it?"

The footman rushed down the steps toward his master. "An express just came, sir." he said, hurriedly thrusting a piece of paper in Darcy's direction.

Darcy took the paper and tore it open. Quickly he scanned the contents, and his body visibly relaxed. Looking up at Elizabeth, he smiled. "It's from Bingley. Colonel Fitzwilliam brought a regiment to Pemberley and had taken care of the women. He is now taking charge of the situation and says there is no need for me to return at the moment. He has everything well in hand."

"Marvelous!"

"And..... Bingley is bringing Georgiana to London, along with the Hursts. They should be here late tomorrow!" Darcy beamed happily.

"Even more marvelous!" Elizabeth cried. "Jane will be here today, Bingley tomorrow! Nothing will prevent them from getting together again, now!"

Ha! thought Caroline from her perch on the top step. Then consider me a nothing!

Toddles Waddles On

By Bodecia

Posted on Thursday, 25 March 1999

Toddles observed Caroline glaring at something below, but he wasn't sure just what it was. Once she had left her perch, he went out on a limb to find out what was so interesting. Below he spotted his beloved Elizabeth with that dastardly Mr. Darcy.

'Don't fret my darling, I'll save you!' he called out as he leapt from the window down toward where Darcy had been standing.

'Oh, nooooo! He screamed as he hit the ground, with a THUD!!!

Elizabeth and Darcy turned just in time to see him land on top of a large pudding, which was being brought into the house. Darcy ran over to see if Marks was okay, as he had been carrying the pudding. Surmising that the pudding-master was only shaken up, he turned his attention to Toddles.

'Really Toddles, if you like pudding that much you could have just asked for a large helping at dinner.'

Toddles just lay in the pudding pile and sighed. 'I don't like rice pudding at all, in fact I don't even consider it a real pudding, not like a good Yorkshire!'

Elizabeth could not contain the laughter any longer, 'Mr. Toddles, why don't you waddle on into the house and clean yourself up. Now that you've saved us from having to eat that strange concoction.'

Taking her words as encouragement, he climbed out of the pudding and waddled into the house as he thought to himself,

'She does care about me, she said I saved her, she'll be mine after all.'

The pudding-master stood shaking his head, 'Now what do I serve for dinner,' he asked the couple who were still standing there.

Elizabeth gazed at Darcy, who in return gave her a knowing smile, before grabbing her hand and dashed off to the pantry.

Toddles the Tank Engine

By Eva

Posted on Saturday, 27 March 1999

After Toddles had washed the rice pudding out of his hair, he ventured into the dining room where his father, Lady Catherine and Caroline sat. Lizzy and Darcy were still not to be found, and Caroline was furious, but she had been tied to her chair by Marks and Teg, who remained on guard by the sideboard. Major Toddles and Lady Catherine appeared to be playing footsies under the table, and were oblivious to the other's distress. Toddles tried to exit inconspicuously to rescue his betrothed, but was reprimanded by the Irish maid, and bribed with Yorkshire pudding by the pudding master. Sulkily he sat down at the table.

All of a sudden there was a great deal of noise in the hallway. The party from Pemberley had arrived, and were noisily bringing in all their luggage. At the same time the Gardiners arrived with Mr. Bennet and Jane, for Darcy had invited them for dinner as well. There was a great deal of confusion. Their host was nowhere to be found, nor Lizzy. Charles was trying to avoid Jane and Jane was trying to avoid his sisters. Caroline was yelling at the top of her lungs, and Mr. Hurst was searching everywhere for some port. Georgiana retired in fright to her bedroom, only to be confronted by Mrs. Reynolds who was recuperating after her wild ride. After a while, Major Toddles noticed the bedlam going on, and stood up.

"ATTENTION!" he bawled. The noise continued. "I SAID SHUT UP!" This time everyone heard, and there was silence, as they all made their way to the dining room for de-briefing. "THANK YOU! NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE REMAIN SILENT SO I CAN FINISH MY DINNER IN PEACE!" As he sat down, all remained silent until Marks tactfully pointed out that dinner was not yet served. The Major reacted by throwing his sherry all over him. "FOOD FIGHT!" yelled Lady Catherine, who had loosened up considerably since meeting the Major. Pre-dinner drinks and fruit from the centrepiece went flying everywhere. Marks went into his pantry and returned with the remains of the rice pudding, and all that was left of the Nutella. Chaos reigned.

In the midst of the ruckus, Teg had managed to draw Bingley and Jane aside and led them into the library, and left them to it. They sat in silence for a while, then Bingley decided to try the door. It was locked. On the other side Teg listened, and grinned with victory.

Meanwhile, in the dining room, they had run out of food. Caroline was still tied up, and covered with Nutella. Toddles had managed to swallow a fair bit of pudding (well, he was force-fed it by Mr. Bennet who knew his dislike for it) and he and Miss Bingley were looking at each other strangely. Mr. Hurst had a glint in his eye at the sight of his wife head to toe in sherry and whiskey, she was flattered at the first sign of interest her husband had shown in years, and they soon departed in a hurry. Tristam Toddles and Lady Cat had again mysteriously vanished, and that left Georgiana, Mr. Bennet (wouldn't they make an interesting couple!), Mrs. Reynolds, the Gardiners, Marks and Teg (who had returned from the library) looking at each other and laughing hysterically.

Toddles hurriedly untied Caroline, and they retired to do who knows what (actually, I think I know but I'd rather not say…or even think about it!) The others cleaned up the dining room cheerfully, and sat round with hot cocoa (with marshmallows) chatting until dawn.

The Next Morning

Toddles awoke and stretched out with a satisfied smile on his face. He did not quite remember the happenings of the night before, but felt that he had at last won the woman of his dreams. Next to him, Caroline thought about how wonderful it was to have found the man who was made for her. Simultaneously they rolled over, opened their eyes… and leapt out of bed with horror. "You?!" they exclaimed in disgust...

Mr. Bennet had unlocked the library, to discover his daughter asleep in one of the lounge chairs with a smile on her face. Bingley was in another, also grinning in his sleep. Mr. Bennet also smiled (gosh it's all smiles in the library today!), gently woke his daughter, and took her down for breakfast, pleased at the thought of both his favourite daughters getting married. Although he knew Jane would not have done anything wrong, the excuse that she had been compromised was just what she needed to get pushed into marriage. Caroline, who had hurried downstairs to throw up in the backyard, heard what the father and daughter were saying and silently promised herself revenge… One by one, all the occupants of the house made it into the kitchen, where they ate dry toast in, for the most part, embarrassed silence, with no-one willing to meet their neighbour's eye.

But where were Lizzy and Darcy?

Some Enchanted Toddles

By JenR

Posted on Tuesday, 30 March 1999

Author's Note: Apologies to Eva for reusing a bit! It was too good to pass up. And I hope Teg and Marks don't mind their abrupt change in roles!

The Day Before the Next Morning

Bingley sat down.

"Miss Bennet, it seems the door is locked."

"Shocked? Why should you be shocked? It is somewhat peculiar that the door won't open, but there is nothing so very shocking to the matter."

"Hatter?" said Charles. "Why, yes, my father was a hatter--or more properly a milliner--that is why my sisters are so fond of hats. It is also how our family made our money."

"Honey?" said a thoroughly puzzled Jane. "I suppose it is strange they did not serve the rice pudding with honey. Although poor Mr. Toddles would have been more sticky as a result."

"Insult? I should think that it is a compliment to you and to your virtue that we have been left here together."

"Heather? Why yes, I do like the smell of a sprig of heather. Do you not think it cheerful?"

"Tearful?" cried a concerned Mr. Bingley. "What could have brought tears to your lovely eyes?"

As Jane heard a scratching noise at the door, she said "Skies?" with a furrowed brow.

Suddenly, Marks and Teg burst into the room. Teg sat down next to Jane. "Begging your pardon, Ma'am, but this has gone on long enough! It is quite clear you and the gentleman have a mutual interest. So get on with it! You've both waited long enough."

"A ruff? Why no, none of my dresses have ruffs. It's a rather outdated style, don't you think?"

Meanwhile, Marks berated Mr. Bingley. "Zees ees love, monsieur! Zut alors! Zees seely Eengleesh!"

"Meesh? Who is Meesh?"

"You are a fool! You must rush een where mortals fear to tread!"

"Angels," said Teg.

"Quoi?" said Marks.

"Isn't it angels, not mortals?"

"Never mind! Zee point iz zat zeese two weel never work eet out wizout help!" Marks looked back at Charles and Jane, who had fallen asleep quite inexplicably.

"I think they have already had help," said Teg. "This is no ordinary misunderstanding. This looks like the work of Robin Goodfellow."

Puck poked his head in at the window. "Thou speak'st aright; I am that Puck which did confound them quite!"

Teg and Marks rolled their eyes at each other. "Sacré, you seely Engleesh son of a pixie! How many times do I have to tell you, keep out of my keetchen! Alwayz playing weez my powders and sauces Francaises! Meddling weez my Nutella! Zeeze tings are not for your foolish eemortal games!"

"Shall I repay such kindness with its like?" said Puck with deceptive gentleness, lightly springing over the windowsill.

Teg swallowed and hastily shook her head, saying:

"Kind sprite, O merry wanderer of the night,
I pray be sweet, and change the spell once cast
For one which clarity doth so disperse
Amongst these most unlucky lovers."

Puck smiled.

"Most handsome maid, and also maiden true,
For such sweet speech, and such sweet eyes I do
Decide that these have had more than is fair--
Yet merrier hour was never wasted there!"

Marks leaned over to Teg and murmured "Zees ees more zan I thought you capable of, ma cherie!"

Teg glared back at him. "No thanks to you! You're lucky your head is still intact!"

Puck cleared his throat. Teg and Marks gestured for them to continue.

"Churl, upon thy eyes I throw
All the power this charm doth owe.
When thou wakest, let love forbid
Sleep his seat on thy eyelid--"

Teg said:

"Hold, most merry Puck! Their problem is
Not a lack of love, but understanding.
If such a spell is cast, we cannot know
That Juliet will reclaim her Romeo."

"And you have used zee last of my oregano! Eet ees you who are zee churl!"

Puck thought it over.

"Ah! Such a thought I mind
Most well! And must use words
Which are gamely borrowed:
Be as thou wast wont to be;
See as thou wast wont to see:
Dian's bud o'er Cupid's flower
Hath such force and blessed power."

Charles and Jane continued to sleep, but their faces slowly broke out into smiles.

Puck strode over to the window. As he stepped outside, he called:

"Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
But not after confounding all
The residents of this fair hall!"

Teg looked at Marks. "Don't you think that mischievous Robin looked somewhat like our master?"

"Why, no," frowned Marks. "Why yes! Zo zat ees why zey spent zo much time een my pantry!"

Back To The Next Morning

Toddles sat down by his dressing table. "She need not have been so very disgusted. I am quite a prize, am I not? Descended from a fine breed, an old and respectable line!" He reached up and scratched one long, fuzzy ear. "And I am quite handsome too." He turned to the mirror to see the head of a donkey gently peering back at him.

Toddles let out a scream that could have been heard at Longbourn, but which was in fact only noticed in the same house.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were sitting in the parlour eating bread and honey when they heard the most horrible noise ever.

"What on earth was that?" asked Mrs. Bennet.

"Must be that annoying Toddles again," replied Mr. Bennet.

"Oh, of course, that would explain it," said his lady, returning to her food.

Toddle Doodle Doo!

By Marks

Posted on Thursday, 1 April 1999

Elizabeth and Darcy headed to the pantry as was their wont.

Unfortunately, their plans were interrupted by Teg the Puddingmistress, and about ten men and women dancing around a large tub of warm Nutella wearing aprons and rather funny hats. One of them was Marks, behaving rather strangely.

Darcy and Elizabeth could only stare, until Teg left the group and came up to them. She explained that she was the Grand Mistress of the Lodge of the Most Ancient Order of Pudding Masters, and was conducting one of the Lodge's secret ceremonies, culminating in the production of a Nutella Pudding.

"Unfortunately, it is not possible for either of you to stay, since you are not initiated into the pudding club.

I am really sorry, normally, we are quite finished by this time, but something very strange has happened."

"Strange?" Asked Elizabeth curiously. Darcy shuffled his feet in discomfort.

"Why yes," Said Teg. "Marks has been turned into a Frenchman, and spends all his time complaining about how the English boil all their vegetables to death, Georgiana has been turned into a sprite, Charles and Miss Bennet are unable to communicate, Toddles has the head of an ass, and Caroline is kissing the A.."

"Enough! Toddles is normal at least." Said Darcy. "Er, Elizabeth, we had better go." This was delivered with a strange insistence that suddenly roused the suspicion of both women.

"Stay a minute!" Said Elizabeth. "You say that someone has caused a difficulty between Jane and Mr. Bingley." She looked rather displeased. Darcy looked as if he didn't want to be there.

Teg looked hard at Darcy. "And the fairy that caused it all, looked rather like you Mr. Darcy."

Elizabeth placed her hands on her hips and said ominously. "Fitzwilliam!!!!"

Darcy looked at Teg in desperation for help.

Teg took Elizabeth aside. "As an experienced Puddingmistress, might I give a little advice?"

Elizabeth nodded her assent, so Teg continued. "Remember this! You will always catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." This was accompanied by a significant wink.

"Aaah!" Said Elizabeth, "Like this, you mean?" She then approached the very apprehensive Darcy, and said, "I am so disappointed that I cannot accompany you to the pantry, but I must see to my sister. I wish somehow it would be all right, and we could, you know......" As she said this, she was running her fingers through Darcy's hair, and nuzzling his chest.

Darcy sighed with something like relief, and clicked his fingers. From the depths of the pantry, Marks' French babbling changed back to English babbling.

"And Charles and Jane?" Said Elizabeth

"OK! Click went the fingers."

"And The others?"

"Weeell, mostly." Said Darcy.

"That's good enough!" Said his fiancee.

"Er well, where can we go then?" Asked Darcy.

"I believe that there is a vacant bedroom up the stairs and first room to the right!" replied the Puddingmistress.

Darcy looked shocked. "Miss Bennet and I are not yet married, it would be grossly improper for us to share a bedroom unchaperoned. Surely you can see that?"

The puddingmistress looked thoughtful for a minute, turned to the group dancing around the tub of Nutella and said, "Would you excuse me for a few minutes, I am required to use my skills for the benefit of this couple."

With that she escorted Elizabeth and Darcy from the pantry.

Once outside the door, she took a screwdriver from her Puddingmistress's apron pocket and unscrewed the "PANTRY" sign from the pantry door, putting it into the apron pocket.

"Please come with me!" She intoned. Without waiting for a reply, she left with the pair close behind.

As they arrived at their destination, up the stairs and to the door of the first room on the right, Darcy asked the Puddingmistress. "I have always been curious as to why in most households, the Puddingmaster or mistress is the most highly paid of the staff?"

"Good Heavens, Mr. Darcy! Puddingmasters are never on the staff. We are independent professionals!" Said Teg, slightly affronted.

"Well, how do you make the considerable sums of money that I hear you do?" Persisted Darcy.

Teg did not answer, but merely took out her screwdriver again, this time removing the "BEDROOM" sign from the bedroom door, exchanging it with the "PANTRY" sign from the room downstairs.

"There you are!" Said Teg.

Darcy looked a little puzzled, but Elizabeth had an instant grin of enlightenment from ear to ear.

"Now Mr. Darcy!" Said the Puddingmistress. "Please remove your coat and shirt, and hand them to Miss Bennet!"

"What? Here?" Spluttered Darcy.

"I think you had better follow the Puddingmistress's advice dearest. She is a professional, you know." Said Elizabeth with a sudden enthusiasm.

Darcy took off his coat and shirt, handing them to Miss Bennet to reveal a broad chest with rippling pectoral muscles and powerful biceps.

Miss Bennet gulped, and without taking her eyes off Darcy's chest, put her hand into his coat pocket and took out a golden guinea which she handed to the Puddingmistress.

The golden coin disappeared into the apron pocket, to be replaced by a large bottle of oil. The Puddingmistress immediately removed the top and spoke to Darcy.

"Hold out both hands if you please!"

Darcy looked at Elizabeth, but her eyes held the command "Obey!" So he held out both hands, and the Puddingmistress poured some oil into each. She then poured half the contents over Darcy's chest so it glistened on his skin.

Miss Bennet, completely transfixed, took another golden guinea out of Darcy's coat pocket, and handed it to the Puddingmistress.

The Puddingmistress then addressed Miss Bennet. "Oh Dear! Clumsy Me! I seem to have accidentally spilt oil all over Mr. Darcy. Oh dear, what a butterfingers I am! Well, Miss Bennet, there is nothing else for it, you will have to help Mr. Darcy with the oil, and I shall have to go to get one of the maids to make up a bath for you. There is a very large tub in the room connected to this bedroom, er, I mean pantry, however, it will take an hour at least before the water can be heated and the tub filled."

"It will take two hours at least, I feel sure," breathed Elizabeth, "I wouldn't like Mr. Darcy to catch cold with lukewarm water, and I don't know how long it will take me to deal with this oil."

"Er yes, as you wish Miss Bennet. Oh and by the way, may I suggest that you remove your gown before assisting Mr. Darcy. You wouldn't want to spoil it by getting oil on it would you?"

Miss Bennet took another golden guinea from Darcy's coat pocket, and handed it to the Puddingmistress, who opened the door to the "Pantry."revealing a rather large bed, er I mean "table."

Darcy looked at both of his hands, brimming with oil. "And what am I supposed to do with this?" He asked with a frown of puzzlement.

"I am sure that Miss Bennet will find somewhere for you to put it, Mr. Darcy." Was the reply.

Suddenly inspiration came to Darcy, and a grin spread all over his face. "Dearest Elizabeth, would you please take a golden guinea from my coat pocket and give it to the Puddingmistress. Oh, and by the way, there will be a couple of extras for the Nutella Pudding Ceremony, just to repay Marks and you for your troubles." He winked puckishly as he disappeared into the bedroom, I meant pantry.

The Puddingmistress then took her leave, pockets a-jingle, thinking 'I suppose Mr. Darcy now knows why I am paid as I am.'

Out in the garden, some of the others had gathered, completely oblivious to what had befallen them before.

Miss Bingley and Toddles were talking together, the subject of their conversation - how to split up Darcy and Miss Elizabeth Bennet.

Georgiana and Mrs. and Mr. Gardiner were talking politics.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were still eating bread and honey.

Mrs. Reynolds was tending to one of the maids who had been attacked by a blackbird that had pecked off her nose.

Suddenly Kitty and Lydia arrived.

"Oh Lord, how boring you all are!" Cried Lydia. "Let's have some fun!"

"Oh yes, let's." Chorused Kitty and Mrs. Bennet.

"I know!" Said Lydia. "Let's have a fancy dress ball!"

"Why not?" Said Mrs. Gardiner. "Georgiana could come as the sprite Ariel."

Caroline looked down her nose at this. "Harumph! It sounds positively vulgar."

"Actually, said Georgiana quietly. "Elizabeth and my brother mentioned that they would like to have a fancy dress ball, just the other day. They wanted to come as Romeo and Juliet." This last little barb was directed at both Toddles and Miss Bingley, and from the way they both puffed up, Miss Darcy surmised that the shaft had hit home and deep.

"Well in that case, I suppose I should not cause the party to fail by not being present. But I always have trouble deciding what costume to adopt." Said Caroline.

"Perhaps you could come dressed as a duck," suggested Georgiana as innocently as she could.

Miss Bingley looked a little undecided, so Georgiana continued: "Miss Bingley, I am sure you would do well in such an enterprise. I have often thought of you as having a certain something in your air and manner of walking, the tone of your voice, your address and expressions, that would enable you to take on such a task."

"Since you put it like that, dear Georgiana, how could I refuse?" Beamed Miss Bingley.

"What about me?" Demanded Toddles, eyeing off Georgiana in a way that made her stomach churn.

"I think I know some tailors who could help you with a costume, Mr. Toddles."

"And who might they be?" Said Toddles, moving toward Georgiana.

"Two Frenchmen, the Montgolfiere brothers. I'm sure they'll have something appropriate." Georgiana moved back swiftly out of the path of Toddles as a Matador moves from the lumbering bull. "Oh!" She said, "I wonder where Elizabeth and my brother are?"

Toddles stopped in his tracks and looked around. "That that woman!" he said, "I can't trust her for five minutes, and she is persisting in this fantasy that she is going to marry any one but me! I'll soon put a stop to that! Come Caroline."

"Not again! I still have cracked ribs from the last time." Groaned the orange one.

Not that far away, in another room (a bedroom, since they were married), Colonel Fitzwilliam and his wife had just spent some quality time together. In fact, they had spent several quality times together.

The Colonel looked at his wife and frowned in puzzlement.

"Dearest, your makeup seems a little thickly applied, and..." at this he peered closely at her chin. "...it seems to be peeling a little."

"Oh dear! Bother! I knew it would come to this," she sighed resignedly.

She turned away from her husband and pulled at her chin. He watched in astonishment as her face appeared to come away in her hands. She had been wearing a mask! GASP!

"What? How? Who are you?" He said in shock.

"I am Lise Fitzwilliam, nee Joling." Said the young lady pertly.

"Not Liselotte Joling the famous spymistress?" Cried the Colonel.

"The very one!" Was the reply.

"What have you done with Anne? We are not legally married. This is immoral!" He clutched his clothes in shame over his substantial chest.

"Calm yourself my dear, we are legally married. It was me that you wed in Scotland, Ann was long gone by then."

The Colonel lowered the sheet in relief at this information, much to the interest of his new wife who moved toward him in anticipation of more quality time.

"Uh! Not so hasty if you please! What happened to Ann? What did you do with her?" Said the Colonel with gallant concern for his cousin's welfare.

Lise Fitzwilliam plumped up the pillows and draped herself fetchingly over them in such a manner as to cause beads of sweat to form on her husband's brow.

"Well dearest! Do you remember when all those women invaded Pemberley looking for you?"

Fitzwilliam swallowed nervously thinking of his narrow escape and nodded.

"Do you remember a group of women dressed in leather?" Said his wife.

His brow creased as he tried to remember. At last he said, "I think I do. Didn't they have very short hair, earrings in one ear only, and some of them even wore trousers? I remember thinking it a little qu-, whoops, I mean strange, at the time."

Lise snorted. "Well, they were a group of Dutch geography students, and I had infiltrated their party. After all, I am a spymistress."

"In any case," she continued, "Ann showed a great deal of interest in geography, and when she heard that we were from Holland, she wanted to know all about our famous Dutch dykes. In fact, she wanted to join our party immediately, and was greatly disappointed that our carriages were full, and she could not join us. That is until I found that you and she were to be married. Since I was interested in Colonels, and she was interested in dykes, it made sense for us to swap places. It was I that accompanied you to Scotland. That is how I became Lise Fitzwilliam."

"Well," said the Colonel, "Now I guess we can have some 'quality time'?"

"No!"

"No?" The Colonel looked puzzled.

"You must say 'Please'!" Lise demanded.

"Please!" Begged the Colonel.

"In Dutch!" Mrs. Fitzwilliam folded her arms demurely over her chest, with her lips pursed to stop herself laughing.

Fitzwilliam groaned in frustration. "I don't know any Dutch!" He went down on all fours, as if to plead. Then leaving no time for a reply, lunged for his wife. As they grappled together, she managed to get out "De Vernederlandisering begint!"

Toddles waddled around the kitchen looking for Elizabeth, vowing to declare his feelings for her. He heard noises coming from the pantry, which now inexplicably had a "bedroom" sign over the door.

'That shameless hussy!' He thought. 'She's in there with Darcy again, despite my explicit instructions to the contrary. She will change her ways when we are married. Just you wait Miss Bennet!'

He screwed up his face in what he imagined was a self righteous scowl, and thrust open the door.

His jaw almost hit the floor. For there in front of him was a group of ten men and women in a hot tub of Nutella. One of them, on the knees of Puddingmaster Marks, looked suspiciously like a Jennifer Ehle clone, and another, on the knees of Puddingmistress Teg, looked similarly suspiciously like a Colin Firth clone.

"WhaWhat are you doing?" He shrieked in confusion.

Marks the Puddingmaster, cast a look at Toddles that let that mountain of blubber know instantly that on the scale of living things, he was somewhere below cockroaches.

"Where are we Mr. Toddles?"

"Er in the pantry?"

"Good, and what am I?"

"The Puddingmaster! Puddingmaster." Squeeked Toddles in embarrassment.

"And what does a Puddingmaster do, Mr. Toddles?" Hissed Marks.

"Er, make pudding?" Whispered Toddles completely intimidated.

"Brilliant deduction Mr. Toddles, now will you leave us to it please?" Marks turned his attention once more to the matter at hand.

"Puddingmaster!" Toddles interrupted.

Marks tensed, and his eyes narrowed. This was not the time to interrupt a professional at work. He slowly turned his head toward Toddles. His eyes caught sight of the package of Iocane on the shelf by the door, and he looked at it, and then at Toddles contemplatively.

"Well, Mr. Toddles?"

"Er you wouldn't happen to know where my fiancée is would you?"

"Your fiancée, Mr. Toddles? And who might that be?" Said a dangerously annoyed Puddingmaster.

"Why Elizabeth Bennet, of course! We are to marry, and if you know where she is, I demand to know!" Toddles had found some reserves of courage.

The puddingmaster looked intently at the Iocane packet intently before relaxing back into the hot Nutella tub with a smile.

"I think she is in the "pantry" upstairs, first room on the right. But Mr. Toddles, I suggest that you don't just barge in like you did here. Pray look through the keyhole first!"

"I always do that, Puddingmaster." Toddles reddened with embarrassment at this little revelation and exited with haste.

Marks sank back into the tub murmuring, "Well, I think I just saved a perfectly good packet of Iocane from being wasted." He looked at the pantry clock and said to no one in particular. "About a minute should do the trick!"

Marks looked at two sets of bubbles coming from the centre of the tub. "OK Spring and Shawn, you can come to the surface now!"

Toddles stood at the top of the stairs, wheezing with the effort of his climb. He lumbered for the door of the first room to the right and bent down to look through the keyhole to see what Lizzy was doing inside.

His eyes opened in horror and shock. His mouth opened and closed like a fish that had just been landed. He straightened up, clutched his chest, wheeled about and his 400lb frame crashed to the ground. BANG!

In the "pantry" where Elizabeth and Darcy were just finished dealing with the last of the oil, and in the bedroom where Colonel Fitzwilliam and his new wife had just finished their third Dutch lesson, both couples exclaimed "The earth moved!"

In the pantry downstairs, the ceremony of the Lodge of the Most Ancient Order of Pudding Masters was briefly interrupted after the thud, as Marks asked, "Does anybody here know anything about mouth to mouth resuscitation?" Four hands went up. "I think Mr. Toddles may need some assistance." Four hands went down. All those present looked slightly ill, shook their heads, and denied any knowledge of first aid.

"Pity!" Said the Puddingmaster in a strangely insincere tone.

"Oh well, I propose that the following Puddingmasters and Mistresses be awarded the order of the brown-pudding......."

Acknowledgements:

To JenR for the oil
To PaulaJ for the Nutella
To Lise for inspiring me by way of an underhand threat, and liking Colonels a lot.

Apology:

To Eva for killing someone (almost - he's not dead yet!)

The Toddles Show

By Leareth

Posted on Sunday, 4 April 1999

Everyone left Toddles lying there on the floor, somewhere in between life and death. In this Limbo, Toddles had a vision.

(No, it was not an orange-clothed angel, though it was a duck.)

A duck waddled up to Toddles and asked, "What, at the moment, is you're greatest desire?"

Many things flashed through Toddles's rather slimy mind that ranged from the ludicrous to the disgusting. But at the present moment, the desire that outweighed all the others was to get his hands on Elizabeth Bennet. There was only one problem and that was the matter of her fiancee.

"You want him out of the picture?" quacked the duck, "Easy. If you awake, go to this man . . . . Stare deep into my eyes . . . "

Toddles stared, squinted. His nose poked the eye. The duck bit his nose which gave him a nosebleed. He hit the duck. The duck hit him. More blows were exchanged . . . .

"Cut! Cut!" came a voice off to one side. Toddles squinted past the mists to see a man. Behind this man were other people, holding strange devices.

"That was not supposed to happen! Puppeteer, are you okay?"

Toddles stared in amazement as the duck removed its head to reveal a human head underneath.

"F****** hell, of course I'm not! This f***head just poked my eye!"

"What is going on?" squealed Toddles.

"Just pretend we're not here, and act natural when we begin rolling again," said the first man. "Come on, we're on a tight budget here. Roll the cameras!"

"Mr. Langton, wait while I replace my head!" said the duck/man. "What's my lines again?"

"I don't know, make something up!"

"I can't, or Mr. Davies will kill me! He hates it when people don't stick to his screenplay!"

"Rolling in five . . . four . . . three . . . ."

Toddles gaped. The man disappeared into the mists. The figures with the strange devices pressed something. Something bit his bottom.

"Ow!"

"None of what you saw happened. It was all a dream," said the duck.

"Uhhhh . . ."

Unable to find a better explanation, Toddles accepted this.

". . . . two . . . one!"

The duck coughed.

"Stare deep into my eyes . . . ." quacked the duck.

Toddles stared. He saw an office. There was a man behind the desk. There was a name on the door.

The vision disappeared.

"Go to that man and he will help you get rid of Darcy," quacked the duck.

"Really?"

"Yes." The duck turned and waddled off, muttering, "God, it's hot in this suit!"

Toddles was left alone in the mists.

Meanwhile, there were voices shouting, "Where's Miss Bingley? She's supposed to give him mouth to mouth to wake him up!"

"I don't know - not here!"

"I think she's still recovering from that last scene!"

"Well, we need to wake Toddles up!"

"We're on a tight budget - get something, anything, anyone!"

"I know!" Feet running away, feet running back.

"Here!"

"What's this?"

"We can use her."

"How?"

"I don't know - you said anything!" Pause for moment. "What do you want to use her as - a witch? A fairy? Jedi Knight? Wizard?"

"Jedi will do."

"You have got to be kidding."

"We don't have the time to wait for Miss Bingley. She hasn't woken up yet - we didn't count on that."

"Andrew Davies is not going to like this . . . ."

"We've spent enough money manipulating these people. We don't have the resources to build a giant studio like the Truman show so we make do with this!"

"You've already done a great job, Simon; none of these people know we're filming them."

"Just dress the girl up like a Jedi, give her a lightsabre - borrow one from Lucasarts - and get her to use the Force to wake him up."

"Okay, okay."

Toddles was very confused and was wondering how to wake up and how to see the man in the office.

Marks was about to go back to his, um, clone and pudding with Teg following, when there was a BANG behind them.

The pair looked back to see a lady in black who hand her hands over Toddles's body and going into a trance. She had a silver cylinder attached to her belt.

Their eyes grew wide as Toddles's floated off the ground. His eyes popped open and then he flailed about widely. He hit the mysterious lady which caused her to lose her concentration and Toddles fell to the floor.

"Ow!"

"He's awake!" yelled Teg in her Irish accent.

"Damn. What a pity," said Marks, shaking his head.

"Where am I?" spluttered Toddles. "I remember . . . looking through the Pantry door . . ." He glanced at the pantry/bedroom. "Then I was in Limbo, there was a duck, some strange people, then this lady here," said he, indicating the lady standing to one side. Toddles sat bolt upright. "Wait - I have to see someone!"

He stumbled to his feet and ran out the door.

"Err, that flew right past me," said Teg.

"Where's the master?" asked Marks.

"Still in the pantry with the soon-to-be mistress," said Teg, thumbing her thumb at the 'pantry'.

"And who are you?" asked Marks to the lady in black.

"Someone from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," replied she without cracking a smile.

Marks and Teg looked skeptically at each other.

"Oh yeah. Pull the other one, will ya?"

Toddles ran down one of the many streets in London. He looked around for a familiar building. Finally he found it. He opened the door and walked up to the third floor.

He stopped and puffed outside a plain wooden door. There was a name card in the slot. He read it, opened the door and walked through . . .

Only to stop short as he saw that the man he intended to see was engaged. The man behind the desk was speaking earnestly to another man, who had his back to Toddles.

The man behind the desk looked up and peered over his glasses.

"Can I help you?"

"I am Mr. Toddles and I am in desperate need of your help."

"Can you not see that I am busy? Come back tomorrow."

"PLEASE! I beg you!"

The man sighed.

"Excuse me for a moment," said he to the second man. "How can I be of service?"

"Well, sir, I am engaged to a young lady with modest wealth. The problem is, that she has accepted a proposal from another man and though she was firstly and officially engaged to me she refuses to leave him!"

"And what am I to do about it? Seems a hopeless business."

"Expose Darcy and their scandalous relationship so their engagement will be broken and I can marry Elizabeth!"

The two men looked at him with interest.

"Fitzwilliam Darcy?" said the second man.

"Uh, yeah."

"He is in a relationship?" said the first man.

"Uh, yeah."

"And does he love her?"

"Uh, yeah."

"This is the perfect opportunity!" said the first man, clapping his hands. "It seems the weapon against Darcy we have been searching for for so long has been found."

The second man grinned evilly.

"Expose their scandalous relationship? Now that will be easy! And a great pleasure . . . " laughed the first man.

Toddles clapped his hands.

"Oh, Mr. Kenneth Starr, you are just wonderful!"

Starr sighed and looked at his friend. "Wickham, I shall at last be able to give you the means to hurt Darcy. I have not forgotten my vow to help you find vengeance."

Wickham smiled pleasantly. "I look forward to it."

"Good. I'll get on the case right away. Is there any information you can give me?"

"I think there is a masque on in a week. Costumes, dress-ups, you know. Elizabeth and Darcy intend to announce their engagement then."

"Information, Mr. Toddles, any incriminating information?"

"Well . . . " thought Toddles. "They seem to be spending a lot of time together in the pantry . . . . "

"Perfect!" cried Mr. Starr.

Meanwhile, Teg and Marks were trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Toddles had run off somewhere, the master and mistress were still in the pantry, there was a lady in black who had appeared out of nowhere and some people seemed to be hearing voices. Colonel Fitzwilliam was nowhere to be seen and there were Pudding masters and mistresses walking around carrying pots of cooking ingredients (mostly Nutella) and utensils.

Suddenly, Miss Bingley burst into the hall - dragging a cannon. She aimed it at the door to the 'pantry'. Her eyes blazed with madness.

"Die, Elizabeth!"

"Oh great, I think I put too much of that stuff in the pudding," groaned Marks.

(Somewhere in the background, there was some rustling of paper. "That's not in the script!")

Miss Bingley lit the wick. A cannon-ball flew out - and fell to the floor in two pieces.

Everyone stared at the lady in black, who was holding an ignited lightsabre.

(In the background there was more rustling of paper, more frantic this time. "What the hell is going on? That wasn't supposed to happen! She was supposed to just wake Toddles up, not defend the pantry!" "Well, get her out, now!" "Gimme a pen!" There was a sound of scratchy pen on paper. "Done, she's written out of the script.")

The lady in black disappeared.

"Where'd she go?" asked Teg curiously.

"What's going on out here?" came a voice from the other side of the pantry door.

"Errrm, nothing sir. A member of the Pudding League dropped a large pot, that's all."

"Oh. All right then. Where'd that oil go?"

Marks looked critically at the floor.

"The master isn't going to like the marks on the floor from the cannon," said he, shaking his head.

"No, he won't," said Teg. She turned and headed back to the room where the other Pudding masters were. "There's a masque ball coming up - let's go and prepare the menu."

"We shall need some costumes for the masque, dear," said Elizabeth, leaning her head on Darcy's bare shoulder. "What shall we go as?"

"Romeo and Juliet."

"No, that has a sad ending. Othello and Desdemona."

"That's also a tragedy."

"Beatrice and Benedick then."

"Much better."

"Perhaps Toddles can go as the Ass?"

"Certainly suits him. And Bingley and Jane can be Hero and Claudio."

"So much Shakespeare?"

"Well, Miss Bingley can come as an orange duck."

They both laughed.

"We shall announce our engagement - and Jane and Bingley's - at the masque," said Elizabeth.

"Yes," replied Darcy, kissing her again. "And then, dear heart, we can live happily ever after."

"Nothing shall go wrong," agreed Elizabeth, reaching for the oil.

The Trouble with Toddles....

By Teg

Posted on Tuesday, 6 April 1999

Mr. Bennet was making his way to his room when he heard what he thought to be his daughter's voice. He peered around and listened again. Sure enough, it was indeed Elizabeth's voice. He looked closely at the door behind which he had determined she was located. Oddly enough, there was a sign above it, indicating that this was a pantry.

Strange! the gentleman thought. I've never known a house to have a pantry on the upper levels.

Then he heard Elizabeth laugh, and to his shock, a deeper laugh in reply.

What is this? he thought in dismay, and reached for the handle of the pantry door.

"This will be perfect," George Wickham chortled. "Darcy will never know what hit him!"

Kenneth Starr stacked the papers into a pile and tucked them into an envelope. "I'll post this directly and we'll watch the fireworks tomorrow when the papers hit the streets."

Wickham rubbed his hands together gleefully.

"But Papa!" Elizabeth cried. "You don't understand!"

"Oh, I think I understand perfectly, Lizzie! And believe me, I will not tolerate this sort of dalliance with my daughter, Darcy!" Mr. Bennet's face was nearly purple with rage. He shook his head once again at the sight of Elizabeth hastily wrapped in the gentleman's, (no, not a gentleman!) coat, her hair strewn wildly around her face. Darcy he hardly dared to look at without fear of doing that man some harm. If it hadn't been for the fact that the two of them had already announced to him their intention to marry, then he would have been hauling the young fool out to the yard for a duel! "Get yourself decently dressed, my girl. Be quick about it. And you!" he spat out as he turned his attention to Darcy. "You put the rest of your clothes on, too. We're off to the church in 15 minutes and I don't want to hear any arguments from either of you!"

As the couple complied with his instructions, Mr. Bennet faced away from them, his thoughts tearing around his brain. Darned foolish, the pair of them. Who knows what might have happened if it had been someone else to see what they had been up to. Someone like that disgusting Toddles! He shuddered in revulsion.

Suddenly the door handle turned and Marks poked his head into the room. He looked at Mr. Bennet in surprise. "Oh!" Then he saw his master and the young lady on opposite sides of the room making final adjustments to their attire. "Oh." he added in dismay.

Mr. Bennet glared at him and Marks quickly withdrew, closing the door firmly behind him.

Marks beat a hasty path back to the kitchen. There was quite a crowd in there by now. Cooks from stately homes within a five mile radius had descended upon the Darcy home to participate in the pudding ritual. They were all now filling up their pots to take back to their own kitchens to serve with the day's meal.

Frantically Marks scanned the faces for the one person he knew would be able to fix everything. All of a sudden he spotted her. With the draining of the pudding tub there was very little surface to hide under now.

"Spring!" he shouted, and breathed a sigh of relief when she looked back at him. "Spring, you must do something immediately!"

Spring nodded, even though she had no idea what he was talking about. But if Marks said she had to do something, then she would certainly try her best. She reached across the tub to pat Shawn on the shoulder.

"Time's up, buddy." she said with a grin. She hiked a thumb in Marks' direction and Shawn frowned. "Oh, don't be like that. You know that when duty calls I have to be creative. You can be so jealous, sometimes."

Shawn rolled his eyes and watched resignedly as she climbed out of the tub, shaking pudding from her boots.

Spring glanced back at him one more time before setting off across the kitchen. She noticed the thoughtful grin spreading across his face. "Shawn." she said warningly. "No Death Matches!" She shook a pudding covered finger at him. "Promise me."

Shawn sent her one of his most wide-eyed, innocent expressions and sank back into the tub. Spring set off in Marks' direction.

"Jane, Charles, come with us." Mr. Bennet commanded as he steered his second daughter across the expanse of the front hall toward the door. Darcy followed close on his heels.

"What's up?" Charles enquired of his friend.

Darcy shot him a look and just shook his head. Charles looked at Jane and shrugged his shoulders.

Mr. Bennet walked a rapid pace in silence. No-one dared say a word, least of all Elizabeth or Darcy. Jane and Charles were completely confused, especially having only just gotten over their earlier confusion. Not much was making any sense to them about this day. However, Jane finally managed to work up enough nerve to come even with her father and ask him what was going on.

"Where are we all going, Papa?"

"To the church." he replied without looking at her.

Jane glanced at her sister, startled. "Why are we going to the church?"

Mr. Bennet stopped abruptly in his tracks causing the men behind him to crash into them. Well, Charles crashed into Mr. Bennet, and Darcy crashed into Elizabeth. Jane was the only one left standing. As they scrambled to their feet once more, Jane asked her father again what they were supposed to be doing at the church.

"Getting these two wed!" he pointed a finger behind him.

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Charles and Mr. Darcy?"

Mr. Bennet shuddered. "No, my dear girl. Darcy and your sister." He had a sudden thought. "While we're there, you and Charles could get married, too!"

"But Mr. Bennet," Charles interrupted. "We don't have a license."

Mr. Bennet slapped a hand to his forehead. "Licenses!! Blast it all, I forgot about the licenses!"

Darcy grinned and patted his coat pocket. "Don't worry about that! That's the first thing I did when Lizzy and I got to London." He put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Sorry, Charles. I guess you'll just have to wait a bit longer." He looked at Elizabeth again and they grinned at each other.

"What are we standing here for, then?" Mr. Bennet grabbed his daughter's arm and once again they set off in the direction of the church.

Caroline was desperate. But this was nothing new.

She had rushed upstairs yet again to save Darcy from committing a horrendous error, only to find the 'pantry' empty.

"Where can they be now?" she fumed. Absently, she picked up a bottle from the night table and frowned at the oily residue on her fingers. She had a sudden premonition of Darcy's whereabouts and raced to the door. Just as she reached for the handle it opened inwards, cracking her in the head and sending her sprawling onto the floor. The bottle of oil was propelled straight up into the air.

Toddles stepped forward into the room. The bottle was above his head, tumbling end over end. To any other observer the scene played out almost in slow motion as the bottle turned over and over, going up and up. Then it began its descent, still tumbling. When it finally hit the floorboards the glass smashed into tiny pieces, sending the oil slicking across the wooden surface...... as Toddles placed his left foot down.

Toddles flailed his arms like a windmill. His feet flew up in the air, his behind wiggling like a drunken slug. Then he fell to the floor yet again with a resounding thud. The judges in the corner gave him a perfect 10.

Marks and Spring came tearing around the corner to stop and stare in amazement at the unconscious bodies before them. Marks looked at Spring. Spring looked at Marks. Then two malicious grins lit up their faces and they both rubbed their hands together and laughed wickedly.

"Fitzwilliam, my love." Elizabeth purred as she adjusted his cravat. "I think our announcement will need to be changed at this masked ball."

"I think you may be right." Darcy murmured as he assisted Elizabeth with the bodice of her dress. "Do you think we can keep it quiet until then, though?"

"Well, Jane and Charles are sworn to secrecy. Papa won't say anything, especially with Mama here!" She flashed a dazzling smile. "My, how exciting! A secret marriage!"

"No, I meant do you think you and I can keep it quiet until then?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Elizabeth blushed. "If you keep those golden guineas in your pocket we shouldn't have any trouble in that regard." she replied demurely.

Darcy sighed. "Well, it's only another few days at any rate." He glanced around the empty hallway. "Where on earth is everyone?"

As if on cue, there was a strange tinkling noise and two men suddenly appeared before them.

"What the-?" Darcy cried as he stared at the two men dressed in odd, brightly coloured clothing. He shoved Elizabeth behind him to stand between his beloved and these figures. "Stay away. Don't come any closer." he said warningly.

The shorter figure, dressed in gold, took a half-step forward, then leaned his head back slightly to address the blue garbed man who looked a trifle ill. In fact, he looked positively green.

"Mr. Spock, I think the calculations were a little off. Did we step through the portal a bit too early? This doesn't look like 1930's America."

"I believe you are right, Captain. According to my tricorder, we are in what was called England, roughly 120 years earlier than our intended target."

Darcy and Elizabeth continued to stare at the men, unable to comprehend a word they were saying.

"Captain, I think our universal translators suffered a malfunction in the transport process. These two individuals appear to be confused."

The man in gold flicked his gaze to his companion. "Mr. Spock, don't you think our sudden materialization and ..... um.... your ears might have something to do with that?" He looked back at Darcy and Elizabeth, who had not moved. "How long do you think it will be until the Guardian discovers the error and pulls us back?"

Mr. Spock consulted his tricorder. "Momentarily, sir. I am picking up an increase in the temporal flux in this vicinity."

His captain sighed in relief. "Thank goodness there's only these two to see us, then. There shouldn't be any real harm done. It's not as if anyone would believe them in this day and age." He said this last as he and his companion began to fade away.

Darcy didn't move for several minutes after they were gone. Then he turned to Elizabeth. "Remind me to have a talk with Marks about what he's been putting in the puddings this week."

Jane sat in the garden under the shade of the large oak tree. Charles was leaning against the trunk, dreamily smiling at his fiancee.

"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it." Jane looked at Charles, shaking her head.

"What can't you believe, my dear?" Charles enquired.

"That Papa would insist on Lizzy and Mr. Darcy marrying in haste like this. That's more Mama's style, if she thought that he might be changing his mind, which we know he wouldn't of course, don't we?" Her expression was troubled. "Why would Papa do this?"

Charles bit his lip and tried to compose an answer. He'd had a little chat with his friend before the ceremony and was given to understand the basics of the situation that led to Mr. Bennet's abrupt decision. Now, how to convey that information to Jane, without offending her delicate sensibilities?

"Um, Jane." he began confidently. But when he looked at her trusting, innocent face, words failed him. "Have you seen the pantry?"

Jane stared at him, confused again. "The pantry?"

"Yes, the pantry. Darcy and your sister spent a lot of time exploring in the pantry. Perhaps if you accompanied me there I could show you what is behind your father's unexpected behaviour."

"Something in the pantry is the reason for Papa's decision to rush Lizzy's marriage?" Jane said slowly. She puzzled over this for a bit, then rose to stand next to Charles. "All right. Show me what's so exciting in the pantry that my sister spends her time in there."

Charles grabbed her hand and grinned ear to ear. "Certainly, my dear. Let's go!"

"Oh, you want the upstairs pantry, not this one." Teg stood in front of the door, arms crossed, blocking their way.

Charles looked at her in astonishment. "An upstairs pantry! Now I get it!"

Jane was still mystified. "Well, I don't! What is all this about pantries, Teg? This must be the most confusing day I've ever spent in my life."

Teg gazed at her sympathetically. She gazed at Charles with more sympathy. Shaking her head, she motioned Charles closer. "Upstairs, first door on the right. There's a sign above the door that says 'pantry'." She placed a bottle in his hand. "Good luck."

Charles examined the bottle. He was about to enquire as to what he was supposed to do with Mother Murphy's Miracle Medicament when Jane grabbed his arm.

"Come on, Charles. I want to see what's in this pantry upstairs."

As they left the kitchen Teg glanced at Marks. "I told you Miss Elizabeth would soon be mistress of this house."

"Sooner than even you thought, I reckon." Marks winked. Then he grinned at her. "I have the feeling there's going to be another quick wedding very soon."

Teg narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You didn't! Oh, tell me you didn't ask Spring."

Marks looked at the ceiling and began whistling.

Teg sighed and shook her head slowly. "You did. Oh, heaven help us all."

"Here it is." Charles said as they stopped in front of the 'pantry' door. "Now, Jane. I don't want to alarm you, but-"

"Charles, stop blabbering and let's go in." Jane said, reaching for the door handle.

She pushed the door open and stepped into the room. "MR. TODDLES!" she screeched.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SISTER?" Charles shouted and lunged across the room, brandishing Mother Murphy's Miracle Medicament in one upraised hand.

Toddles Draws a Blank

By Bodecia

Posted on Wednesday, 7 April 1999

Toddles lay dazed, in a pool of gooey rice pudding, as an angel stood over him.

"Mr. Toddles, please can you hear me?" the angelic voice asked.

Toddles could only stare up into her beautiful pale blue eyes. He felt he could get lost in the exquisite pools of blue that lay in the face of the angel. Everything else was of no consequence, how he came to be lying in the pudding puddle, the people around him, the excruciating pain he felt coming from his lower extremities, the only thing he cared about were her blue eyes. As he started to come around he felt as though he had been slam dunked by a wild ape. His head was pounding out a message as if jungle drums were beating it out, thump thump, thump thump thump.

"Mr. Toddles are you okay?" asked Georgiana Darcy.

Having arrived in town just as Toddles had flung himself from the window above, where her brother and his fiancée had been standing, she had immediately ran to see if he was well. Mr. Darcy not wanting to see his sister groveling at Toddles side ran up and lifted her to her feet. Turning her around he said,

"Georgiana, Mr. Toddles will be just fine, he is accident prone you know. These type of things are always befalling him."

Then stepping over Toddles he led his sister into the townhouse. Toddles lay confused and befuddled on the walk. He could remember strange happenings, but then if he were still on the walk in the pudding they couldn't have happened could they. Toddles sat up gingerly, and called for help. The pudding master, who was still standing nearby shaking his head over his spilt pudding, came to his aid. Examining the prone Toddles, he called for a surgeon and had the other servants carry the injured man into the house.

On arrival Dr. McCoy was shown to the room where the injured Toddles lay. Looking at the patients clothing he insisted that the pudding be removed.

"My God man, I'm a doctor not a laundress," he exclaimed as he left the room.

Toddles lay dreaming of the beautiful blue eyes he had seen in the face of the angel. He started to ask the servant that was removing his clothes who she was, when she appeared to him again. Toddles was more confused as ever that she could just pop in and out like that. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen her dress was of a heavenly blue and her hair was golden like the sun. The servant, growing alarmed at Mr. Toddles staring at him fled from the room. Toddles could only stare at the beautiful angel at the foot of his bed. Soon the doctor returned and noticing Toddles strange countenance he started to check for a head injury. After finding a slight contusion on his patient's head, and a fractured leg he went about setting the leg and bandaging Toddles up.

"Well, Mr. Toddles you shall be good as new in about a months time, or maybe more depending on how well your leg mends," the doctor announced as he left the room, "and I'll have my bill sent round tomorrow."

Mr. Darcy on seeing the doctor out proceeded upstairs to check on his, silly house guest. Entering the room he noticed Toddles gazing steadfastly at the end of the bed.

"Mr. Toddles," Darcy said quietly," are you okay?"

"Just splendid Mr. Darcy, I do hope you and Miss Bennet will forgive me, I don't know what came over me."

Darcy was completely bowled over by the sudden change in Mr. Toddles' behavior. "Whatever can this mean?" he mused.

"Mr. Darcy, while I lay unconscious I had a very strange dream. You were in it and Miss Bennet, and well everyone and some people I have never met. The pudding master was having an orgy or something and you and Miss Bennet were continually locked in a pantry together. It was rather bizarre. The only good thing that has come from my fall is the beautiful angel at the end of my bed." Saying this Toddles passed out.

Toddles Learns The Truth.

By Eva

Posted on Wednesday, 14 April 1999

Toddles woke up again, and discovered that the angel had been replaced by Miss Bingley.

"Mr. Toddles, can you hear me?" she was still saying.

"Yes, yes, but what are you doing here? What happened to the angel?"

"The angel? What angel? Surely you must be mistaken?"

"No, there was the most gorgeous lady in the world in here before I fell asleep again, she had the most fine blue eyes…"

Caroline fixed her large, blue eyes on him in astonishment. "Why, it has only been I here the whole time!"

"My g-… Caroline, it was you?" he asked in bewilderment. "I was under the impression you had rather murky brown eyes."

"No, no," said Caroline, congratulating herself on the investment of some blue contact lenses. Although she didn't need them, and she kept on seeing things crookedly, it would seem they had paid off. Even Toddles didn't recognise her.

"What…what happened?" the man himself was asking.

"We-ell… you fell down the stairs. You were in a coma for ever so long, I was so worried! For twenty whole minutes I waited for you to wake up! Then you did, and I was so happy! We were in the upper pantry, doing…nothing in particular, when my brother came in and struck you with a medicine bottle. Your head had suffered some damage, and you walked through an open window on the second floor, and fell into Mark's pudding again. That is when you first started calling me your angel."

"Did I really?" mused Toddles thoughtfully, smoke pouring out of his ears as the gears in his head moved themselves for the first time in years.

While this conversation was on, the good-natured Charles was in the hallway sobbing.

"I didn't mean to hit him!" he cried. "I would never knowingly hit another human being. So what if he compromised my sister- I shouldn't have done what I did."

Darcy was there to reassure him.

"But Charles, your sister is a stupid orange duck, and you hate Toddles anyway. I am sure any permanent damage could only be an improvement on him."

Just then the door opened. Caroline stepped out.

"He's awake! And we are to be married," she said, glancing triumphantly at Darcy. He was not jealous in the least.

"Well, congratulations!" he said. "You deserve each other." The duck looked downcast. Her plan didn't seem to be working.

"Remember, Caroline," the gentleman said. "You tried this caper at Pemberley and it didn't work there either."

"EEEEEEEEEEEERKKKKKKK!" she shrieked, and stomped her foot so hard she disappeared in a cloud of smoke. A muddled Toddles appeared at the chamber door.

"What's going on? Where is my lady love?" he asked. You see, the fall had done something to his mind, and he finally realised that Elizabeth was out of his reach. Caroline's attentions to him, although because of her wish to make Darcy jealous, were nevertheless flattering, and he figured, with his usual pomposity (that at least had not deserted him), that in time he would be able to make her truly care for him.

"What am I to do?" he asked, miserable.

Meanwhile, In Another Part Of The City…

"Extra, extra, read all about it! Prominent gentleman in intern scandal!"

An awful lot of papers got sold that day. Sadly, the inmates of Darcy house were too concerned with inside matters to purchase one.

Toddles in the Underworld

A nice cherub who happened to be passing by had heard the cries of distress of poor (?) Toddles.

"I will take you to the underworld to search for her, but you must be very careful," she said. (Are cherubs male or female?) Toddles was apprehensive, but decided to go.

"There is nothing for me here!" he announced pretentiously. Everyone else in the room made retching noises.

Toddles was led to some ornate gates. "Here you go," said the cherub, and flew off.

"Hang on a sec, aren't I supposed to get instructions about not looking back?" asked Toddles.

"No," said a voice, "Unless your name is Orpheous."

"Well it is actually, Christopher Orpheous Toddles. Just a minute, who said that?"

"It was I," replied the face that adorned the handle of the gate. "Want to make something of it?"

"No, I don't care that you are a talking gate handle… a talking gate handle? Jumping Jehosephats!" The gate pulled a face, and refused to talk any more. So Toddles had to make his way on his own with no handy hints for searching for Caroline.

Toddles Down Under(world)

By Jen R

Posted on Friday, 16 April 1999

Miss Boedicia and Miss Eva walked down the street arm in arm.

"Extra! Extra! Intern scandal! Read all about it!" called the newsboy.

Miss Boedicia, puzzled, purchased a paper and skimmed the article. "Miss Eva, have you ever heard of an intern?"

Miss Eva thought a moment before replying. "I do not believe I have. Perhaps it is a new invention? Maybe there is a scandal concerning the ownership of the invention. In any case, why do you suppose it warrants an extra edition? Could they not have waited to report it in tomorrow's paper?"

Miss Boedicia, reading, absently nodded her head. "The paper says nothing about what an intern is. Do you suppose they are referring to internal organs? Discussing such things aloud is certainly shocking. Perhaps that is what makes it scandalous."

The two women made their way to a bench and sat down. "Why, Miss Eva, this concerns Mr. Darcy! Perhaps he has an internal injury? I still do not understand. This Mr. Starr must be headed for Bedlam!"

"I quite agree!" said Miss Leareth, approaching with Miss Jen from behind them. "I do not believe a word of that story. Why, I just saw Mr. Darcy's carriage leaving the church. There were white flowers strewn all over it. A man with internal injuries would not be getting married, do you not agree?"

"Quite," said Miss Jen. "The article refers to Miss Elizabeth Bennet as an intern as well, as though it were some sort of occupation. The very idea of a gentlewoman working! Nobody will believe it. The article is bosh from beginning to end. I do not believe Mr. Starr shall have a career after this bit of news."

Toddles wandered slowly through the cavernous space. Oozing rivers of fire slithered by, and strange, skittery creatures ran to and fro. Moans and cries could be heard from afar.

"Cheery sort of place, is this not?" muttered Toddles under his breath. To his left, a column of fire shot up, barely missing him.

Toddles kept walking, being careful of where he placed his feet. He did not like the look of the creatures underfoot, and he did not want to accidentally step into the river of Lethe and forget his mission. As he walked, he spied a strange, shadowy creature walking towards him. Some inner impulse told him to stop and wait, so he did, although he could not help shuffling his feet and fidgeting a little at the specter's slow pace. "Good heavens," Toddles thought, "the man is a ghost--that is, if he ever was a man! You'd think he could float a little faster."

The man (for that is what he once was) finally reached Toddles, who shut his eyes in anticipation of being eaten, hung, drawn and quartered, and then shot. The ghost then spoke in a surprisingly normal voice:

"You're not dead, are you? I've been appointed as a sort of a guide for you. It's been a few hundred years of your time since I've seen anyone like you. Let me guess--you took a wrong turn somewhere up there, and landed down here?"

"Well, no," stammered Toddles. "I came here on purpose. I'm looking for--"

"A lady, correct? Such is always the way of things. You're lucky The Boss is on a trip on the surface at the moment, or you'd be Bantha fodder in a moment!"

Toddles shuddered. He did not like the sound of the Bantha. "At any rate, mortal, let me introduce myself. I'm the Poet. I am to walk you through the afterlife as far as Purgatory, and after that you're on your own. However, we've just missed Easter by two weeks of your time, so we'll have to putter around here for a while."

Toddles frowned. "Putter around? You mean until next year? Whatever for?"

The Poet looked at the ground. "Well, I don't know..." he said hesitantly. "It's just not terribly symbolic to wander around the afterlife during the season of Pentecost."

"Besides," said Toddles, "I'm quite sure I'm not supposed to look in heaven."

"Not in heaven?" The Poet scratched his head. "This is unheard of. I'm not quite sure how to proceed." Suddenly, Toddles caught a distant strain of music and silenced the Poet with an abrupt gesture.

Eurydice.... kerret wider....

The Poet listened to the quiet, almost peaceful music floating across the cavern, looking thoughtfully at Toddles' face. An outsider would have thought he was half-asleep, with his sagging eyelids, but the Poet recognized a glimmer of hope in the beady eyes, and understood.

"I'm afraid I cannot help you," said the Poet. "You'll have to continue on your own." Entranced as he was, Toddles barely acknowledged him, and followed the sound of the voice. He began to sing along with the music; unfortunately, nobody had ever cared to inform Christopher Orpheus Toddles that he was tone deaf. He walked along, producing a strange noise, resembling at once a dog's howl and a foghorn. Luckily he carried no instrument; I do not care to consider what sort of cacophony he would have produced with a lyre.

Presently he spied something which distracted him enough to bring his yowling to an end. Before him was a young man covered in sores. Toddles hesitated, paused, pondered, and finally said "Pardon me, sir, have you seen a ravishing young lady clad in orange raiment?"

The man, attempting to apply a plaster to his face, looked up with a dull expression. "I don't believe so. But I don't pay much attention to those who come here. Many sink down, but few return to the sunlit lands." Finally succeeding in applying the plaster, the man shrieked in agony. "It burns! It burns! Get it off, get it off!" He frantically pawed at his face until the plaster fell off, and sighed in relief.

Toddles looked at him with a puzzled expression. "If you don't mind my asking, why are you thus inflicted? Is it the result of a life of too much...ahh...debauchery?"

"No, no," assured the man, trying once more to apply the plaster. "Those inflicted with syphilis on earth rarely keep it while here--and you may have noticed that plasters usually do not feel like fire. I'm one of the men that ignored those who suffered. AAAAAHHHH! It burns, get it off!"

Toddles shook his head.

Eurydice.... kerret wider....

Remembering his search, Toddles continued on, yowling once more. "I wonder," thought he, "how Darcy and his friends are reacting to this disappearance?"

"Extra, extra, read all about it! Gentlewoman missing, presumed dead! Mr. Starr repudiated by Ministry of Justice!"

Toddles continued, remarking that the sooty black ground underfoot was giving way to a smooth, green sort of substance. He soon noted that each step he took produced a violent scraping noise, and endeavoured to step more gently. Unconsciously, he reduced the tone of his moaning voice to a dull roar. He was nearly walking on tiptoes when the wail of a woman caught his attention. "Ah!" he thought. "Surely a woman would be observant enough to notice my radiant angel!"

Toddles approached the woman. "Pardon me--"

"Shhh!" she shrieked in the smallest voice imaginable. "The noise is detestable! I cannot stand it!" Suddenly she was flung by some unseen force against a wall, and her hands began to scratch at it. The horrible noise this produced caused Toddles to cover his ears and moan in pain. The woman continued to scrape her nails across the slick surface of the wall for a good five minutes.

When she had stopped, Toddles asked (remembering to lower his voice), "Pray tell, have you seen a fine lady dressed in orange, recently arrived here?"

"Such noise," the woman groaned. "No, I have not seen her. But then, I only look at people when they make too much noise, and ladies generally do not."

Toddles frowned. "Madam, what did you do to deserve such a fate?" he asked, nearly whispering.

The woman pressed her hands over her ears, and again the tiny voice sounded. "I was a librarian. For years I worked in blessed silence. For each entreaty for silence, whether I uttered it here or on the earth, I must scrape my nails against this substance fifty times. Now leave me!"

Toddles wandered away, again picking up the gentle phrase he had been following.

Eurydice... kerret wider...

Some yards away, Toddles spied a spot of orange--in fact, the only colour on the cheerless landscape. He rushed towards it.

"Miss Bingley, my love!" Caroline grimaced slightly and repressed the urge to roll her eyes.

"Mr. Toddles, am I ever glad to see you!" she said, and hastily added as she saw his eagerness, "that is, I am glad to see someone familiar. This place is so dull, and shockingly unfashionable. Why, I have seen people dressed in clothing that went out of style over one hundred years ago!"

"Was that your lovely voice I heard singing, sweetest Miss Bingley?"

Caroline no longer resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "It was. This place is so uncultured, I felt it needed some livening up. Maybe I should have sung Euridice kommt noch too, if only for variety. I am not even certain I have the text right.... It's been an age since I have studied any German, let alone opera." Standing up with a brisk air, Caroline continued. "Don't you think we ought to leave now? You have come to rescue me, have you not?"

Toddles looked confused (he does that quite well, doesn't he?) and asked, "But what is your punishment? You do not seem doomed to any odd task..."

They began to walk towards a dim greyish haze which Toddles had not noticed before. "I have not been here long enough to receive a punishment," explained Caroline. "Besides that, The Boss and his wife are topside presently. I saw them on their way out. You see, they've found a simply darling little garden which they enjoy taking turns in--they say it is more dear than anything from Roman de la Rose. Apparently it produces delightful pears.

"Ful ofte tyme he Pluto and his queene,
Proserpina, and al his fayerye
Disporten hem and maken melodye
About that welle, and daunced, as men tolde."

Caroline blinked. "Did I just say that?"

"I believe so," said Toddles.

Caroline slapped his arm. "You fool! Can you not tell a rhetorical question from a serious query?"

Toddles cringed as they continued to walk. "I have seen strange sights here today, Miss Bingley. What have you observed?"

"Well, apart from The Boss and his wife, who were dressed in the queerest ensembles imaginable (but I gather we are not to talk about them), I did meet a rather dashing young man named Don Juan. However, I did not speak to him long, as I gather he was waiting for a woman of his acquaintance, and I did not see the point of pursuing a dead man. I also heard the voice of a creature which must have been suffering the most incredible torment, but I never saw it. However, it seemed to be listening to me, as it began its clamor every time I sang." Toddles opened his mouth, thought the better of it, and closed it.

Presently they came to an enormous house, brightly lit, and very tastefully decorated. Caroline's interest was piqued. They did not like to approach the front steps, as a fierce-looking armed guard stood there. Instead, they crept around to a side window and peered in.

They saw a man pacing a long hall, one hand tucked inside his jacket. As he paced, he muttered... "It was Soult's fault. It was Ney's fault. It was Josephine's fault. It was the fault of the English. It was the fault of the Russians."

Toddles and Caroline quickly moved away from the window lest the man see them and continued to walk towards the grey.

"But, he is not yet dead, is he?" asked Caroline.

Toddles pondered a moment. "I do not know. In fact, I am not at all certain we ought to know the man exists."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Marks, stop, I beg you! I am puuuuuure! I am chaaaaaaaaste!" Toddles and Caroline looked confusedly at each other. As they rounded the bend, they saw Mr. Kenneth Starr, being spoon-fed some substance by Marks.

"I know these two are not dead yet! What is going on?" gasped Caroline.

"Oh, The Boss decided Mr. Starr deserved to come a little early. Not for any particular transgression you know--simply because we (that is, those on earth) are glad to be rid of him."

"So this is his punishment? To eat pudding? And why are you here, Marks?" said a puzzled Toddles.

Marks grinned. "Oh, I'm not here to stay. I'm here on special dispensation--you might call it a vacation. And this is no ordinary pudding--its main ingredient is pears."

"SSSSTTTTTOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!" cried Mr. Starr in despair. "I can feel its effects already. Come here, my tempting vixen," he leered at Caroline.

Caroline looked at him in disgust. "And what are the effects, exactly?"

Marks chuckled. "He is to become--"

"Honey lamb! Come to your sugar daddy!" Starr rumbled in a dreadful attempt at a seductive voice.

"--a dirty old man."

Shuddering, Caroline strode away, setting a determined pace. Toddles trotted after her. Just as they had reached the gray area, they met Pluto and Proserpina.

"Sir," said Toddles, pompously attempting humility, "I have come to beg for this lady's release."

Munching on a pear, Pluto gave Caroline a slow once-over. "Why should I let her go? I have not yet punished her!" A trickle of pear juice slid down his hand, and he quickly caught it with a slurping sound. "And I do so like punishment!"

"I should think you do," said a disgruntled Proserpina under her voice. "Really, who do you think wears the britches around here? You're too busy delighting in the torment of others to get anything done! He that mysconceyveth, he mysdemeth!"

"Ah," murmured Caroline, "as on earth, so below!" Her eyes met Proserpina's gaze, and something of a mutual understanding passed between them.

Proserpina smiled at her and took her arm. As the men argued over the ownership of Caroline, she said confidentially, "It was very brave of that young man to follow you here. He will probably expect some sort of reward if you return with him. Are you certain you wish to return?"

Caroline sighed. "I seem to be plagued with him, so it does not much signify where I must bear his company. However, if I do not return with him," smiled Caroline far too sweetly, "he is very likely to wish to remain here."

Proserpina paled and closed her eyes briefly. "Heaven forbid! We plan to be without him for as long as possible. Even people in eternal torment can only withstand so much. I beg you to return with him!"

Caroline smiled beatifically. "As you wish. Shall we bring Marks back with us while we are at it?"

Proserpina considered this with a strange gleam in her eye. "No, he had better stay here. I find him most... entertaining."

Caroline nodded. "Come, Toddles," she called, "we have permission to leave!"

Toddles and Pluto seemed quite close to blows by this time. At her call, they both looked up distractedly. "What, my love?" oozed Toddles. "Oh, very well, let us leave now."

As they walked away, Pluto looked at his wife with no small measure of dissatisfaction. "My dear, what have you done?"

"I have made a decision," said Proserpina complacently. "My dear, have another pear." Pluto took the pear from her hand, and placed one arm around her waist, stroking her abdomen meaningfully.

"Come, Miss Bingley," said Toddles in a worried voice, having decided that he was once more in charge. "We really should be getting back to the land of the living before they change their minds."

"Oh, I can only imagine how worried my family is become! We must hurry!" wailed Caroline.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Miss Eurydice Caroline Bingley," intoned the priest.

Darcy leaned over to Charles, whose eyes were strangely clear. "Eurydice?" quizzed Darcy.

"Now you see why she uses her second name," mumbled Bingley. "Be quiet and listen to the service. You'd think you could stand being to church twice in one week without fidgeting."

As soon as Bingley said "be quiet," a murmur rose in the room, and Bingley consequently raised his voice to compensate. People began shifting and turning around. By the time Bingley complained about fidgeting, people were standing up, elbowing and shoving each other for a good view of the back of the church. Darcy and Bingley stood, perturbed that the funeral was thus disrupted.

They saw Caroline, resplendent in orange, bathed in a glowing light, framed by the setting sun. Toddles stood directly behind her, also glowing strangely.

Bingley gaped. "Caroline!" he gasped. "But how..."

Caroline smiled. "I am pleased to announce that the report of my death has been greatly exaggerated." She turned and led Toddles forward. In a louder voice, she stated, "Reverend, Mr. Toddles and I would like to be wed as soon as may be."

The Call of the Running Toad

By Marks

Posted on Sunday, 18 April 1999

You can't be serious said Charles aghast!

We are! We wish to wed?

What did they say? Came a voice from the back. "They want to be towed? I'm not surprised, look at the size of him! Need a pair of clydesdales by the look to get him moving."

"Speak up!" Came a voice from even further back in the Church. "I didn't hear. It sounded like someone is a toad?"

"Er yes?" Said the Reverend Collins, "Did someone address me?"

Charlotte rolled her eyes and thrust a pear into her husband's mouth to shut him up. CHUNK! SQUINCH!

As the juice ran down his chin, the Reverend William Collins' eyes clouded over as he regarded his wife in a way she had seen only once before when Lizzy had left them at Hunsford that time.

'Uh! Oh! Another "Olive Branch"* on the way,' she thought.

Back at the front of the church the officiating clergyman had restored order. Charles was dismissed to an obscure pew (where Miss Jane Bennet just happened to be sitting), and the rest of the congregation was at last quiet.

The clergyman opened his mouth to speak, but before he could open his mouth, the Church door sprang open and in marched Major General Sir Tristram Toddles and Lady Catherine, followed closely by Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.

"What is going on here?" Shouted the General. "What are you doing with my half-wit son?" He glared at Caroline.

Toddles drew his 400lb frame up defiantly. "We wish to wed."

What did they say? Came a voice from the back. "They want to be towed? I'm not surprised, look at the size of him! Need a pair of clydesdales by the look to get him moving."

Major General Toddles turned to the congregation. "Stop that! This is getting very silly! What do you people think this is, Groundhog Day?"

He looked at his son, then at Caroline. "Well, in that case, I suppose you will come into that fabulously huge inheritance that you get when you marry! Congratul8shons son!"

Mrs. Bennet let out a squeal! "A fabulously huge inheritance! Mary! Kitty! Lydia! Come quick! Chaaaaarrrrggge!" With that she ran full tilt straight for Caroline, and probably would have done her a terrible damage except that as she roared past, Mr. Bennet thrust a large Nashi pear in her mouth. CHUNK! SQUINCH! And a large amount of juice rolled down her chin.

With that she stopped in her tracks, her eyes clouded over with an expression that Mr. Bennet had seen only five times before. "Well, we could try for a son this time, my dear!"

Mr. Bennet, however appeared to be a little distracted, by something going on a little distance off.

"Aha! Now I remember my purpose in coming here. Cut it out you two!" Something else caught his eye. "I mean cut it out the four of you!!!!"

He stormed to one of the pews, and dragged a protesting Lizzy and Darcy from their hiding spot. "We weren't doing anything, honest!" Said Lizzy.

"Oh yes, and I suppose that isn't pear juice running down your chin?" Said the aggrieved father. Darcy had the decency to look embarrassed.

But Mr. Bennet had darted off again to another pew (phew) and this time dragged Charles and Jane to join Elizabeth, Darcy, Caroline and Toddles in front of the Rector.

"Right! Since there is to be a wedding, you might as well make a job lot of it!" He almost yelled at the startled clergyman.

The Rector was puzzled, but not displeased, he had come prepared for a long and dreary funeral, and now only had to publish the banns + for the wedding of these obviously well off parishioners - a much easier task, and besides the food and drink organised for the funeral could not go to waste.

After the banns had been published, Mr. Bennet asked. "How soon can the weddings take place?"

"Three weeks is the legal minimum, I'm afraid!" Said the Rector+. "When do we eat?"

"Right Now!" Said Pudding Mistress Teg.

Marks has made a huge quantity of "pears Belle HELLene."

"You mean 'Pears Belle Helene' don't you?" Said a slightly affronted Valerie-Helene

"Not where Marks is," sniggered Leah.

Meanwhile, down in the underworld, Marks was reporting to the King and Queen of Darkness.

"I have just finished the Starr project!"

"And?" Questioned Persephone.

"And after the amount of pear juice, nutella and pudding that I stuffed into the man, I think you can safely expect a headline within the week saying

PRESIDENT PROSECUTES STARR!

or

STARR CLAIMS STAIN WAS PEAR JUICE"

The King pulls out his mobile phone and yells into it "Buy 20000 Newscorp shares!"

"Ok people, I'll be on my way." Said Marks.

"Oh no you don't!" Said the deadly couple.

"Oh yes I do!" Said Marks as he tossed a Nashi pear at each of them with deadly aim. CHUNK! SQUINCH! Into their mouths. Their eyes clouded over, and Marks headed out the gate whistling "Australians All, Let Us Rejoice!"

He gave the knob an affectionate twist. It winked in reply, and said "See you in a few months?"

"Sure," Said Marks "Getting to Australia is much easier this way than having to go round the outside, and your boss pays well!"

Meanwhile Back In England.

Well, where shall we go on our honeymoon was the subject of discussion amongst the three brides-to-be. In this they were joined by a fourth. Lise Fitzwilliam, newly married herself, had not had her honeymoon yet, and was definitely in the mood to travel.

"I know!" Said Lise, "Let's go on a sea cruise!"

"Yes! Great idea!" Said the others, so they headed off to Tilbury Docks.

"Look!" Said Lise, "There's a ship offering cruises for newlyweds."

Sure enough, there in the distance was a ship with a sign "Ship for hire, newly-weds a specialty, Commander Wentworth RN (Retd.)"

As they got closer, they saw the ship's name "ORSETEN"

They approached the couple, obviously Commander and Mrs. Wentworth.

"May we hire your ship?" Asked Jane.

"I am afraid not." Said Mrs. Wentworth.

Commander Wentworth broke in hastily. "You must excuse my wife, she normally refuses an initial booking, it then takes at least eight years to get her to reconsider, it's a hangover from when we did Oktoberfest tours and had to keep the Kiwis away. Sign right here ladies! Oh and for a group booking, we throw in a firkin** of pear juice on the first night. First couple to finish the firkin wins a special prize!"

The ladies looked at each other. "Done! Commander Wentworth."

They did not see the comely maiden named Lu grinding her teeth and stamping her feet. "Marks! I am going to get you for this. You are going to be scraping barnacles from the anchor with your teaspoon!"

Acknowledgments:

To Lu for mangling her title.

Note:

+The Banns of Marriage - the following is from the Book of Common Prayer, and may be of interest to those wanting to marry off their own heroes and heroines.

First the Banns of all that are to be married together must be published in the Church three several Sundays, during the time of Morning Service, or of Evening Service, (if there be no Morning Service,) immediately after the second Lesson; the Curate saying after the accustomed manner, I publish the Banns of Marriage between M. of ----- and N. of -----. If any of you know cause, or just impediment, why these two persons should not be joined together in holy Matrimony, ye are to declare it. This is the first [second, or third] time of asking.
And if the persons that are to be married dwell in divers Parishes, the Banns must be asked in both Parishes; and the Curate of the one Parish shall not solemnize Matrimony betwixt them, without a Certificate of the Banns being thrice asked, from the Curate of the other Parish.

*The olive branch reference is to the "beati omnes" a psalm used in the wedding ceremony in England in JA's time.

Beati omnes Psalm 128.

BLESSED are all they that fear the Lord: and walk in his ways.
For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: O well is thee, and happy shalt thou be.
Thy wife shall be as the fruitful vine: upon the walls of thine house;
Thy children like the olive-branches: round about thy table.
Lo, thus shall the man be blessed: that feareth the Lord. The Lord from out of Sion shall so bless thee: that thou shalt see Jerusalem in prosperity all thy life long;
Yea, that thou shalt see thy children's children: and peace upon Israel.
Glory be to the Father, &c.
As it was in the beginning, &c.

**For those with enquiring minds, a "firkin" is a small barrel, not to be confused by anything that rhymes.

HMS Toddles!

By Leareth

Posted on Wednesday, 21 April 1999

Marks trotted out the gate, singing.

"Australians All let us rejoice! For we are young and free! With golden soil and wealth for toil, our home is girt by sea!"

Suddenly, without warning, a wall of flame crashed down in front of him.

"You shall pay for this insult!" bellowed the King of Darkness, wiping pear juice of his face. "You will suffer for all eternity!"

Knowing full well what the dread King was capable of, Marks fell on his knees and begged for forgiveness.

After one hour of begging, the King finally relented.

"Okay, okay - besides, you cook a great pudding. But you have only one chance to redeem yourself!"

"Anything, anything!"

"In the North Atlantic at this very moment, there is a ship called the Orseten. You may, and I repeat - may have to take one of the people aboard, and bring the person here to be tortured for all Eternity. Bring the person to me and torture him well, and you shall be forgiven."

Marks bowed down before the wisdom of the Dread King.

"Uh huh, yessir, I shall do that don't worry I will obey your command and make sure that this person whom you want me to bring here is tortured forever and forever more do you like Nashi pears because I'm really sorry about the pear thing it's all a misunderstanding and if you like I can make you a beautiful pear pudding before I go to make it up to you and your wife is really pretty and I hope I did not spoil her dress Miss Bingley would kill me if I did something like that to her and so - "

"SHUT UP and GO!"

"Yessir!"

Meanwhile on the Orseten, things were very quiet.

As it was a honeymoon cruise, the various couples all had certain areas on the ship which was their place. Toddles and Miss Bingley had a fancy for below-decks, Lise and the Colonel liked the crow's nest. Jane and Bingley stayed at the aft of the ship, while Lizzy and Darcy liked the prow.

Every day they were surrounded by blue water. The only living things were the occasional dolphins and albatrosses.

Things were rather uneventful. But every now and then, Captain Wentworth remarked that food kept disappearing from the galley. If Mr. Hurst had been present, they all would have blamed him, but as he wasn't - it was a mystery!

Apart from that, things were FINE as fine could get.

They were in the North Atlantic. Being so far North, things were pretty cold. It was so cold, Lise and Fitzwilliam had decided to leave the crow's nest and go to their cabin instead. In fact, practically everyone was inside the ship. Well, except Lizzy and Darcy, who found the spray of the waves rather refreshing seeing their previous . . . activity.

"Before, I was rather warm, but now I'm quite cold!" shivered Lizzy.

"I suppose we could always resume our . . . activity," whispered Darcy.

Lizzy laughed and kissed him, for a very long time.

Suddenly, there was an evil laugh behind her.

They broke off and looked into the shadows. They couldn't see anyone, but there was moonlight glinting off a pistol that was aimed at Elizabeth's head.

"Don't move," said the shadow - a very familiar voice.

"What are you doing here?" said Darcy, not letting go off Elizabeth's hand. "How did you get on this ship, Wickham?"

"Quite easily. The Captain does not check his hold very often and climbing onto a ship at night is simple. Move away, Elizabeth dear, I won't let him harm you," said Wickham.

Elizabeth was frozen to the spot so Wickham grabbed her arm and pulled her away from Darcy. He instinctively moved towards her but Wickham shoved the pistol into her neck.

"Don't try anything."

Noticing Elizabeth's fear, he swung her around to face him.

"What's the matter? Are you frightened?"

Elizabeth could not speak a word. Wickham sighed.

"Well, who would have thought that I would get my revenge in the middle of the ocean? Quite convenient, I must say." He looked at Darcy and smiled. "After all, I don't have to kill you for you to suffer. That pretty show you two made just before I came on the scene - all I have to do is swing her overboard."

Elizabeth turned white.

"You bastard," whispered Darcy. He tried to move forward but Wickham cocked the pistol.

"I will do it," said he.

"Please, don't," said the other. Darcy glanced at Elizabeth. "You don't have to hurt her. It's me you want."

"Oh yes I do. If I kill you, you suffer for only a few minutes, whereas if she dies, you suffer for the rest of your life."

He backed into the mast. There was rope around the deck, but Wickham did not notice. Nor did he notice Toddles and Miss Bingley silently sneak up behind him.

"But I want you to suffer as much as possible, Darcy," said Wickham. "How about dear Lizzy and me having a little fun before you take a swim? Darcy, you don't mind sharing, don't you?"

That was going too far. Darcy lunged forward, but Wickham pushed Elizabeth into his path. Behind him, Toddles picked up a length of rope and put it around Wickham's gun-arm. Knowing things were going badly for him, Wickham punched Toddles and aimed his gun at the centre of a shadow he imagined was Darcy. Miss Bingley pulled on the rope holding Wickham's arm and his aim was put off.

A single shot rang out, and the shadow fell to the deck.

Behind Wickham, Darcy looked in shock at Elizabeth lying on the deck, her right shoulder wet with blood.

Wickham breathed deeply. When he saw Darcy's horrified look, he smiled.

Darcy ran to Elizabeth's side. He cradled her in his arms as the others appeared, drawn by the noise.

"Lizzy, please wake up, please," he whispered. Her blood was all over his clothes.

Lise ran forward and examined Elizabeth's wound. Elizabeth was breathing faintly, and gave a soft cry when Lise wiped the blood away with her dress.

"The bullet passed straight through the flesh of her shoulder," she reported. Seeing Darcy's distress, she added, "She will live as long as she does not lose much blood. Give me your coat." Darcy wordlessly handed it to her, his attention fixed on Elizabeth's white face. Lise arranged the makeshift bandage on Elizabeth's shoulder.

"Carry her to her room and keep a watch over her," she instructed. Darcy immediately made to go but Lise stopped him.

"Not you. You need rest."

"I am quite fine!" he said angrily, watching as Bingley and the Colonel gently carried Elizabeth away. Toddles kept a tight grip on Wickham.

"Your concern is good, but too much of it is not," said Lise firmly. She looked at Wickham. Darcy followed her gaze and his expression darkened. Wickham turned white.

Darcy strode forward and grabbed Wickham by his shirtfront.

"You miserable wretch, I swear you will rue this day!" He gave Wickham a terrific blow.

Wickham staggered, rubbed his cheek and looked up fearfully at his nemesis.

Hanging onto the ship below the rails was a very wet Marks.

"grumblegrumblegrumble what am i doing here? it's cold and who am I supposed to wait for anyway?"

Suddenly, he heard cries of pain. Marks peeped over the railing. Someone banged into him and he lost his grip. He nearly fell but hung on to Wickham's coat.

"If she dies, I will have no scruples in sending you over board," heard Marks.

"Then at least you will suffer - ow!"

Marks looked as Darcy punched Wickham again.

"I think I know whom I'm supposed to take to Hell," he muttered.

Toddles Polishes His Image

By Teg

Posted on Wednesday, 28 April 1999

Marks looked around desperately for something, anything to hang onto. He felt Wickham sway again as another of Darcy's punches landed. Suddenly he spied a solid chain just to his right. Reaching out as far as his arm would go, Marks grabbed the chain and swung himself over. For a moment he thought he was a goner, as his hand slipped on the slimy surface of the metal. But fate prevailed and he clung to the side of the ship, his breath heaving with exertion and relief.

Marks risked a glance over to see what had become of Wickham. He saw the man's form, still bent backward over the ship's rail. Darcy still had hold of the front of his shirt, preventing the wretched man from falling into the drink. But Wickham didn't seem to realize his peril. He kept taunting Darcy despite his obviously disadvantageous position.

A sudden movement from beyond Darcy drew Marks' attention.

"Come on, Darcy! Let him up! I won't let you throw away your life for this poor excuse for a man." cried Bingley, struggling to raise Wickham against his friend's stronger grip. Bingley finally appeared to win the battle.

But Wickham lost the war.

Just as Darcy acknowledged his friend's logic and relinquished his hold, Bingley's slipped. A huge wave rose from out of nowhere and swept Wickham from his perch.

Marks was vaguely aware of the man's body flying past him as he held on to the chain for dear life. Then he felt a sharp tug on his boot. Blinking the salty water from his eyes, Marks looked down.

"I say, dashed lucky you being here!" Wickham grinned at him.

Marks frowned. Any second now Darcy and the others would be peering over the side to see what had become of Wickham. Marks wasn't too happy at the prospect of being discovered hanging here in the middle of the ocean with no plausible (excuse me, believable) explanation.

Where is a wave when you need it? he thought, searching the ocean's surface hopefully.

Voices above brought both men's gazes upward.

"I assure you Captain Wentworth, Darcy didn't toss the man overboard! It was a wave. A huge wave! I swear it!!"

"Mr. Bingley, I have never in all my years at sea witnessed an act of God such as you describe. A wave coming out of nowhere and washing Mr. Wickham from my deck as the hand of God smiting the evil! You honestly expect me to believe that??"

Marks began to worry. He looked down at Wickham, clinging to his left boot like a barnacle. He had a thought........ then shook his head. No, Marks. Not unless you want to share Wickham's eternal torture!

Out of the corner of his eye he spied an object approaching. It was slicing through the water's surface at a terrific speed, in a straight line for their side of the ship. And could it be?? Yes! There was definitely some sort of musical accompaniment!!

Da dum. Da dum.

Da dum. Da dum......

Da da da da da da da da da da........

As it drew nearer, Marks could see it was a fin. A dorsal fin. A dorsal fin of a shark. A dorsal fin of a great big white shark!

He closed his eyes. This was it. He knew he should have just stayed at home and never gone to cooking school!!

There was a vigorous splashing noise and Marks felt a frantic tugging at his lower extremities. He closed his eyes tighter and prayed and prayed and prayed. Then the tugging stopped and he dared to crack one eye open and peer down.

Marks let his breath out in relief. His legs were still there, and intact.

But where did Wickham go?

There was suddenly a great commotion above deck. Voices were shouting and Marks could see arms pointing over the rail. His gaze followed the direction of their fingers and squinted against the light of the rising sun.

Then he laughed. Not loudly of course. That would never do. But the sight of the great white shark tossing Wickham into the air like a plaything and gently catching him to do it all over again was too much for any man to withstand. He laughed so hard that he could barely retain his grip on the slimy chain. With a final guffaw his fingers slipped and Marks fell unceremoniously into the water.

"I've never seen anything like it!" Wentworth was saying. "And to think that after playing with the man for the better part of an hour the danged thing.. oh pardon my language.... but it brought Wickham back to the ship and tossed him onto the deck! Never in my life, I say NEVER IN MY LIFE!"

He looked at the crowd gathered in the galley. Toddles and Caroline were acting the part of the attentive audience, Bingley and Jane seemed a little preoccupied with one another's eyes, and Darcy had disappeared long ago to sit with his beloved Elizabeth below decks. That deuced Colonel Fitzwilliam and his useful wife, Lise, were keeping a very watchful eye on the wretched Wickham. Not that he was going anywhere after the outing he's just endured. And Anne...... his beautiful Anne... well of course she was enraptured with whatever he said!

Wentworth dipped his spoon into the bowl of pudding. What a delightful surprise that had been at the breakfast table! He hadn't realized that his galley cook leaned toward such luscious concoctions. And the others seemed equally enamoured with the offering. He'd never seen such an increase in appetites. Well, except for Toddles. He had poked at the surface of his bowl in what appeared to be a rather cautious manner at first. Wentworth puzzled over that. What on earth did the man expect to find in there?

He glanced over at Anne. She was gazing at him in the oddest fashion.

Darcy sat beside Elizabeth as she lay sleeping in the bunk. She appeared almost peaceful, though he knew that to be an illusion. Her dark hair was spread about the pillow, surrounding her face like a cloud of curls. Darcy reached out to touch the strands and caress them with his fingers.

Lise had said she would be fine. The wound was clean, and she had not lost a great amount of blood. Still, Darcy had insisted that they head for the nearest port for some proper medical attention. Wentworth had agreed, much to his relief, and they had turned about immediately. He was glad that Wentworth, at least, knew where the heck they were going!

Elizabeth stirred and moaned quietly. Her head tossed from side to side. Darcy laid a hand on her forehead to determine if she was feverish. Her skin still felt cool under his fingers and he sighed, relieved.

"Fitzwilliam?" Elizabeth's eyes were struggling to focus on his face. "What happened?"

Darcy placed his open palm gently against her cheek. "An accident, my love. Wickham
thought he was shooting at me, but the bullet hit you in the shoulder."

Her eyes widened considerably. "Shot? I've been shot? What happened to Wickham?" She gazed at him fearfully.

Darcy clasped her hand in his. "He's above deck, trussed like a goose. Fitzwilliam and his wife are keeping the watch until we make port."

"Where will that be?"

"I'm not sure. Wentworth knows these waters. He's taking us to the nearest port that will offer the best medical attention for you, my dearest Elizabeth. As for Wickham, he can rot in the nearest jail cell for the rest of his miserable life!" His expression had hardened during these words, and suddenly he recalled himself. Looking at Elizabeth once more, Darcy smiled. "Do you feel up to eating anything? I hear the breakfast was especially good this morning."

"Did you have some?" Darcy shook his head. "Then I'll share some with you." She smiled weakly.

By the next morning land had been sighted and the ship's crew were preparing the ship for dock. Darcy impatiently paced the deck, frustrated at the slow approach to his wife's source of aid and relief. He knew he could not rest easy until she had been seen by a proper doctor, despite his cousin Fitzwilliam's testament to his wife's skill and knowledge in that area.

A woman practicing medicine?? Really Fitzwilliam! You are truly besotted with her. Your brains have been addled! She must really be something in ---

"Heave!!"

Darcy scrambled out of the way of a burly crewman as he hauled away on one of the ropes, pulling the ship snugly against the dock. A few moments later the gangplank was lowered and Darcy set out to find Wentworth so that they could leave in search of the doctor immediately.

Before he could proceed more than five steps a figure rushed past him, nearly bowling him over. Darcy looked up to see Wickham racing for the gangplank.

"What the —? Stop him!" he cried, pointing at the fleeing man.

Wickham made the edge of the gangplank and pounded down the length of wood. He came to a screeching halt at the end resting on the dock. Before him stood a man, blocking his path.

"Out of my way!" he growled at the obstacle dressed in rags. He failed to notice the strange light in the man's eyes and the odd horned hat on his head.

The man raised a hand, pointing his finger at a spot in front of Wickham's left foot. A bright flash of light and a sudden explosion of flame appeared at the end of Wickham's boot. He leaped back in surprise as a cloud of smoke drifted up from his bootleather. He eyed the ragged man carefully.

"What manner of man are you?" he said softly.

"I," said the man without batting an eye, "am an enchanter. There are some who call me...... Tim."

Wickham blinked and tried not to laugh.

"Yes, Wickham." Tim said. "I can help you find the Holy Grail."

Wickham stared at the man. "I'm not looking for any Holy Grail!" He looked over his shoulder at the advancing figures of Darcy and the others. "I just want out of here. I want across this plank and onto dry land!"

"He who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. First; what is your name?"

What on earth is this???? Wickham thought. He glanced behind him once again, then turned back to the strange little man before him. "George Wickham."

"What is your quest?"

Wickham thought quickly. "I seek a means of escape from persecution by that gentleman." He pointed in Darcy's direction.

"What is your favourite colour?"

Wickham smiled. "Blue." Then "no, green."

The old man flicked his hand and Wickham flew through the air to land at the feet of Mr. Toddles. Toddles looked at the old man in awe. Then he reached down and grabbed a stunned Wickham by the collar and dragged him back toward the main mast to tie him securely this time. You could never trust an army officer to know anything about knots!!

Darcy paused. Wentworth had not warned him about any customs inspection at this port! What had Wickham said to cause such a violent reaction? But the thought of his dear wife, suffering from an injury caused by that man raised his determination, and he set off across the gangplank to come to an imperious stop in front of the odd little man.

"He who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. First; what is your name?"

"Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley."

"What is your quest?"

"I seek a doctor to tend to my injured wife."

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Darcy's eyes widened in surprise. He thought quickly. Where have I heard that before? Oh, where is Ann Haker when you need the answer to a mathematical equation? Instead he wracked his brains to come up with a smart-ass reply.

"Do you mean an African or a European swallow?"

The old man looked at him blankly for a moment. Then he suddenly flew up into the air and a very loud popping noise accompanied the flash of light as he disappeared in a cloud of brightly coloured smoke.

All activity in the port stopped as every man, woman and child stared at Darcy. Darcy's eyes darted from face to face. He began to perspire in his nervousness. Suddenly a cry rang out and the people began to advance upon his position. Darcy looked from side to side. Then he looked down at his feet. There was nothing but water on either side of the narrow walkway where he stood. Still the people advanced.

Another cry rang out and from somewhere unseen the distant strains of music were heard.

"Ding dong, the witch is dead.
Which old witch?
The wicked witch.

Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead."

The crowd swelled toward Darcy, men surrounded him, and he felt himself being lifted from his feet and high into the air. On the shoulders of the crowd he was carried away from the dock and up into the centre of the town, all the while the singing and chanting continued. In the centre of the town square was a garden with a statue. Here Darcy was placed once more on his feet, and the people backed away to open up space between them.

The music faded and the singing as well, until there was nothing but silence and hundreds of expectant faces staring at Darcy. Suddenly, as one, their heads turned upwards. Darcy looked up, too. At first he saw nothing. Then he spotted a bubble growing larger and larger as it descended from the sky. It appeared to be aiming for Darcy himself.

More music, harp this time, accompanied the bubble's delicate fall. Just as Darcy closed his eyes, anticipating the worst, the bubble came to rest on the yellow cobbles in front of him. He cracked open an eye and was surprised (though how anything could surprise him at this point is anyone's guess) to see a beautiful woman in a formal ball gown before him.

She raised her arm and pointed a stick at him. The stick had a paper star stuck on the end of it. "Are you the one?" she asked.

Darcy raised an eyebrow. Before he could confirm or deny whatever it was she wished to know, one of the men stepped forward from the crowd.

"He is, m'lady. He is the one who destroyed the evil enchanter, Tim."

"Ahh!" the beautiful woman purred. She looked Darcy over from stem to stern with a discerning eye. "And what, pray tell sir, would be your desired reward for this heroic deed?" She reached out an impeccably manicured hand to delicately run one fingernail down the side of his cheek.

Reward? Heroic deed? Darcy thought. There must be some catch. I don't think we're anywhere near England anymore! Thinking it best to stick to the truth, he replied "I am looking for a doctor."

The woman visibly shrank back from him. "A doctor?" she said hurriedly. "Are you ill?" She turned to the crowd of people who had also retreated several steps upon Darcy's words. "See? What did I tell you about letting foreign ships make port here? And you thought that Tim had let his power go to his head! You never had any requests for doctors until now, did you?!"

Cries and shrieks came up from the masses. Calls for deliverance, mercy and Darcy's head were among them.

Darcy stepped toward the woman anxiously. "No, no I'm not ill! It's my wife. There was an accident. She was shot by that man..." he looked around, realizing that the ship was not visible from where they were standing. "Uh... an evil man who had stowed away on board our ship. I only wish to find the best medical attention I can to restore her health!"

The woman looked at him for a moment. Then she nodded sagely and motioned for two men to come forward. "If that is all you require....." She waved her stick with the paper star attached to the end high in the air. "It is done."

"I beg your pardon?" Darcy stared as if she had sprouted a third eye.

"It is done. She is well. That is your reward." The woman waved her hand impatiently. "Now be gone. Pip and Squeak will escort you back to your ship. Then you will leave this place, never to return." She waited for him to move. "Go!"

Darcy, Pip and Squeak on either side of him, backed away, his eyes never leaving the beautiful woman's face. This was all a strange dream wasn't it? He could only be sure of one thing; he wasn't going to be turning his back on her.

Once out of her earshot, Darcy whispered to his companions, "Which way back to the ship?"

Pip pointed to the ground. "Follow the yellow brick road." Darcy looked down and Pip said again, "Follow the yellow brick road."

Darcy's eyes followed the spiraling path of yellow cobblestones. They twisted and turned and seemed to weave in and around the buildings of the town. He sighed. "Isn't there a straighter route?"

Pip looked at Squeak. Squeak shrugged his shoulders, emitting a screechy, fingernails-on-chalkboard sort of sound. Darcy winced. Pip looked at Darcy once more.

"Oh, all right," Pip said with a resigned sigh. "This way." He pointed an arm in the opposite direction that the cobblestones had led. All three made their way quickly back to the docks.

Wickham tugged again at the ropes binding his hands to the pole at his back. Once more his winced at he felt them tighten. What kind of knots are these? At least Fitzwilliam's I could untie. Army knots are army knots, but what the hell are these??

He looked at the man sitting across from him, idly filing his nails. Toddles was certainly a surprise. Who would have thought that the disgusting slug would have any redeeming qualities? And there was Caroline Bingley, no, Caroline Toddles! She stood there, almost salivating over her husband! It was revolting to witness!

Wickham tugged at the ropes again.

"Forget it, Wickham," Toddles said quietly without even so much as a glance at him. "The more you struggle, the tighter they'll get."

Caroline moved closer and placed a hand on her husband's shoulder. "Toodles, dear," He smiled at her nickname for himself. "I never knew you had such drive, such strength. I am impressed. And I'm proud to be called your wife."

Toddles looked up into her face. She wore such an enraptured expression that he felt his heart leap. Ignoring the retching noises emanating from the direction of the mast, Toddles took Caroline's hands in his and pulled her onto his lap. They stared into each other's eyes for several seconds. Then Caroline leaned forward to plant a shy kiss on his lips.

BOOM

Caroline picked herself up from the deck, rearranging her disarranged skirts. She shook her dazed head and abruptly remembered what she had been doing. Panicked, her eyes searched for Toddles.

She saw Wickham, still bound to the mast, an incredulous expression on his face. She heard footsteps pounding on the deck behind her.

"Caroline! What happened?" her brother cried.

Caroline was spun around to face him. "I'm fine, Charles. Fine." She shook off his grasp and turned back to look for her husband. "Where did he go?"

"Who?"

"Mr. Toddles." she replied as she walked over to Wickham.

They heard a low moan from under a tarp. Bingley pushed his sister back and moved cautiously toward the sound. He pulled back the edge of the tarp and peered inside.

"Good Lord!" he cried and flung the tarp back to reveal a young man huddled into a ball. "Where on earth did you come from??"

"Oh... ah... I never thought this day would come." the young man was muttering. "Caroline.... where is Caroline?"

Caroline crept forward to peer at the mysterious man. He was dressed in clothes that were at least four times too large for his frame. He was also the most handsome man she had ever seen! When he finally raised his head and met her gaze she gasped in surprise.

"Mr. Toddles!!"

Bingley stared at his sister in concern. "Caroline, that's not Toddles. Are you sure you didn't bang your head? Come, sit down and let me have a look."

"No, no!" she cried impatiently. "He is Mr. Toddles! Can't you see it in his eyes? Oh, Toodles, dear," she sobbed as she rushed forward to cradle his head in her arms. "What happened?"

Bingley continued to stare at his sister and the strange young man in horror.

"Caroline," the mystery man said softly. "It was you. You did it. I was cursed to remain trapped in that despicable form until I was kissed by a woman with a true, caring heart." He gazed into her eyes and sighed dramatically. "Thank you, Caroline. Thank you, my dear beautiful wife."

Bingley and Wickham tried vainly to control their gagging.

There is something really, really wrong here, thought Bingley. Toddles cursed, I can believe. But Caroline with a caring heart???? Where was she hiding that???

"Set to! We're off!" boomed the voice of Captain Wentworth.

Crew were bustling about, drawing in the lines, rigging the sails and otherwise looking busy doing sailor stuff. (author's note: Lu wasn't here to advise me!) The ship lurched beneath their feet and with a flurry of shouts, they were underway once more.

Darcy rushed past on his way below decks, oblivious to Bingley's presence and the drama unfolding in that quarter. The only thing on his mind was Elizabeth, and to determine if she was, indeed, completely restored to health.

Toddles Tribbles

By Bodecia

Posted on Sunday, 2 May 1999

author's note: I have enjoyed being a part of this collaboration. Thanks to all involved and our readers. Next!

Grabbing Toddles firmly by the arm, Caroline drug him toward the hold of the ship. Now that her husband had been transformed into this tall, blonde Adonis she didn't want to waste a moment more of their honeymoon. Finding the hold empty, except for the usual freight stacked everywhere; Caroline threw herself at her dashing husband. Toddles, although now handsome, was still extremely clumsy. As his wife fell into his arms, he fell into a stack of barrels knocking them over as he and Caroline went down to the ground.

'Toddles you dolt!' Caroline screamed as she found herself covered from head to toe in molasses.

'Oh my caro mi a, my love! Please let me help you.' Toddles said lovingly as he picked her up off the floor of the hold.

With molasses streaming off their bodies, the pair was quite sticky and slippery. Toddles, attempting to carry his wife to a drier spot, did not notice the ships cat scurrying under his feet. Tripping over the cat; which screamed, 'MEOWWW!' Toddles pitched Caroline forward into a pile of large sacks marked feathers. Caroline landing on the sacks with a thud dispersed a blizzard of white ostrich feathers into the air. Sitting on the pile of bags covered from head to toe in molasses and ostrich feathers, Caroline was not amused.

'Oh my dear caro mi a,' Toddles cried.

Caroline's face turned bright red as she screamed, 'TODDLES YOU DOLT, IDIOT, CLUMSY OAF JUST LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME!'

Standing up she straightened her gown, getting molasses and feathers all over them, and proceeded to leave the hold. Slipping and sliding as she made her way to the deck of the ship.

'Caroline, I think you have over done the feathers thing this time.' Bingley exclaimed trying not to laugh.

Making her way to her cabin, Caroline cried, 'That man! Oh! He may resemble Adonis on the outside, but he is still the same old Toddles on the inside!'

Managing to find some new clothes, among the cargo, Toddles had cleaned himself up a bit. Sitting with his head in his hands, he ran his fingers through his lustrous golden mane of hair. Suddenly he felt something crawl across his leg. Jerking his head up, he espied a small ball of fur sitting on his lap. Reaching out he gently stroked the furry ball as he usually did to his cat, Puss.

'Nice little fur ball,' he whispered.

The fur ball began to purr softly at first, then increased its fervor with every stroke of Toddles hand. Toddles mystified by the furry little thing mused, 'Why it purrs just like Puss does when I stroke her.'

After searching the hold for more of the creatures, and finding none, he tucked the fur ball in his pocket as he proceeded to go up on deck.

Bingley and Jane stood on the deck giggling over Caroline's strange appearance. Noticing Toddles emergence from the hold she nudged her husband in the ribs with her elbow.

'Charles, Toddles,' she whispered, nodding in the direction where Toddles stood.

'Ah, Toddles. Caroline has gone to adjust her appearance,' Charles informed his brother in law stifling a giggle as he did so.

Realizing it would be in his better interest not to disturb his wife until she had time to cool down, Toddles simply nodded in reply. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the fur ball to show the others. 'Look what I found,' he said as he felt something move in his pocket. Handing the fur ball to Jane, he put his hand back in his pocket and pulled out another one. 'My my, where did you come from?' he mused.

Jane began to stroke the fur ball gently, as it purred. The more she stroked the louder its purring grew. Suddenly it let out a small peep as Jane found herself holding two of the creatures now. 'Oh, My! She cried out, 'Look what's happened!'

Toddles and Bingley looked at the two creatures in Jane's hands.

'My they seem to multiply faster than rabbits!' Bingley exclaimed.

'Yes they do, but only one at a time it seems.' Toddles replied.

'I must show Lizzy,' Jane said as she ran to find her sister.

Darcy and Elizabeth were busy making up for lost time, when they heard pounding at their cabin door.

'Lizzy, oh Lizzy! You must come and see what Mr. Toddles has found.' Jane yelled from the other side of the door.

Darcy, upset at the interruption, yelled, 'We'll be up on deck in a moment!'

'Fitzwilliam, you didn't have to yell so.'

'I'm sorry dear, but this is our honeymoon and I have things other than Toddles on my mind,' he said with a wicked smile as he took Lizzy in his arms.

By the time the Darcy's arrived, the deck was nearly covered in fur balls. Jane was sitting on a grain sack covered in the furry little creatures. Elizabeth smiling at the scene plopped down next to her sister and began petting the fur balls, which seemed to multiply with every stroke of her hand. The ship was soon overrun with the furry little creatures, from bow to stern. Captain Wentworth was pulling at his hair, as he tried to pace the deck amongst the fur. Fearing that the added weight of the over populated creatures would soon sink the ship turned to the assemblage and said, 'Please don't stroke the tribbles!'

Calling to his first mate he ordered all life boats deployed. Luckily he had two boats tied up to the side of the ship for just such an emergency. Captain Wentworth, his wife and crew climbed in one boat as the others boarded the other. Bingley had descended into the lifeboat first, to help the women board. Darcy helped Jane down first, and then Elizabeth who didn't want to leave her husbands side, then Caroline followed by Darcy.

As they rowed away, from the ship, Caroline noticed that her Adonis was missing, Toddles was not on board. 'Wait!' she screamed, 'Where is my Toddles!'

Looking back at the ship Caroline saw her husband, standing at the end of the plank. Suddenly Toddles bounced on the plank, not once but twice. On the second bounce, he leapt up into the air touching his toes, straightening back out before cutting the water with his hands.

The Chronicles of Toddles

By Eva

Posted on Wednesday, 5 May 1999

The crew applauded and held up cards with scores on them. 9… 9.5… 8… 9…

"Oh well done, old chap," said Wentworth, as Toddles swam over to his lifeboat, and hauled himself aboard.

On the other boat, Caroline clapped her hands with joy. "Have I not an athletic husband?" she asked proudly. The others mumbled half-heartedly, but Caroline was oblivious to everything except the sight of her handsome husband drying himself off in the late afternoon sunshine.

As soon as Toddles was dry again, the crew took the oars of the one boat, and Darcy and Bingley the other, and they prepared to set off for the nearest landfall. However, they were checked by cries coming from the ship.

"Oh no!" cried Darcy. "In our haste we forgot my cousin and his wife. And the ship is sinking!" Those in the lifeboats yelled out words of encouragement to the two standing on the deck. The Colonel was loath to let his wife get wet, but Lise dived expertly into the water and swiftly swam the few hundred yards to Darcy's boat. The Colonel followed with a bellyflop and some rather halting dog paddle.

"I'm in the Army, not the Navy," he grumbled when teased by his companions.

Now that they were all aboard, the troupe could finally row their way to freedom. The rowers rowed while the accomplished ladies accompanied them on voice.

"Row, row, row your boat," they sang. "Gently down the stream. If you see a great white shark, don't forget to… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"

"What's wrong?" asked a concerned Bingley.

"It's a-a-a-a Great. White. Shark!!!" stammered Lizzy in fear. "I am not used to the sea, I don't want to be eaten!"

"I'm too young to die!" lamented Toddles.

"It's heading this way!" yelled Jane.

There was much confusion, as the oar-bearers tried to row off in opposite directions, the ladies wept, and Toddles attempted to jump over board to swim away from it. Strangely, no one noticed when the shark swam away again, leaving behind a bedraggled figure. Eventually, Lizzy noticed, and looked closely.

"Why, it's… Marks!" she said in surprise.

"Yes, ma'am. At your service, ma'am," he said, in his best Mr. Collins impersonation.

"Marks? What in devil's name are you doing here?" asked Darcy, astonished to see his chef treading water in the middle of the ocean.

"I'm on my way back to Australia," replied the pudding-master. "But I got sent aboard Orseten to dispose of a certain gentleman. When the ship sank with the weight of the tribbles, I got a lift with a friendly shark who just happened to be passing. But he thought that I'd be happier with you. Will you let me come aboard?"

"Of course," replied Darcy, and helped Marks up. Soon they were on their way again.

Commander Wentworth and Darcy (who had been elected honorary captain of the other lifeboat) pulled up beside each other and held a hurried conference.

"I think," said the Commander, "That the best thing would be for you to take your crew to Australia to drop off Marks, and I take mine back to England. Marks knows the way, and you have food to last a month."

"I have always wanted to see Australia, and think that that is a most capital plan. Shall you be all right?"

"Of course," replied the Commander, and after making Toddles swap boats, they parted.

The Wentworth boat fared well. Despite an encounter with a few billion swimming tribbles, the boat remained intact, and they returned to England safe and sound, where Wentworth was given a new ship to command, and they all lived- wait for it- happily ever after.

The Dawn Treader, as Lise and Lizzy christened their lifeboat, had a long journey ahead of them. Luckily, the sea was dotted with many tiny islands that they could stop at and replenish their supplies.

The first island they stopped at was practically deserted, but there was a freshwater stream where they set anchor for the night. They set up a small camp near the beach, Darcy and Bingley managed to shoot a deer, and Marks cooked it to perfection. Toddles, however, was unsatisfied. The others were all talking and laughing, but he felt out of place, so he decided to take a walk by himself. The others did not notice him get up and leave the campfire, so it was some time before they saw he was gone.

"Toddles… here Toddles Toddles Toddles Toddles!" they all called, but he was not to be seen anywhere. They decided that it would be fruitless to look for him in the dark, in an unknown place, where all sorts of wild beasts around, so even Caroline reluctantly went to sleep to await first light.

Colonel Fitzwilliam was the first to stir the next day. He decided to let the others sleep a while longer before searching for Toddles- not everyone was used to the outdoor life as he was. He walked along the beach, skimming stones across the water, when he saw an amazing sight.

"D-d-d-d-d-dragon!!!!!!!!!" he yelled. For in the middle of the beach sat a realio, trulio, little green dragon. The dragon waved it's claws at the Colonel as if he was trying to say something. The Colonel cautiously moved forward.

"Do you want to tell me something?" he asked it.

The dragon nodded furiously. Then it turned around and wrote something in the sand.

"You can write?" the Colonel exclaimed. The dragon kept on writing, having some difficulty. Finally it stood aside. Fitzwilliam read it quickly.

"He-p I am T-les --- woke up turned into--- oh buther," it said in scratchy letters on the sand.

"You're… you're Toddles?" asked the Colonel. The dragon nodded. "Oh heck. What are we going to do?"

The dragon shrugged. At this point the Darcys, the Bingleys, Lise, Caroline and Marks had run onto the beach. They had heard Fitzwilliam's initial scream and rushed to his assistance.

"Oh my…" said Darcy, open-mouthed.

"Let's run him through!" cried Marks.

"No, no, it's Toddles," said the Colonel, and explained all he knew.

"I still say run him through," said Marks. "It's not as if he's any use like that. Not that he was particularly useful before… ow!" For Toddles had given him a swipe up the backside with his tail.

"No, no, we shan't kill him," said Bingley rationally. "But the question is, how do we change him back?"

"Do you have any idea how you turned into a dragon?" asked Darcy. Toddles shook his head. "Then I'm afraid you're stuck that way forever." Toddles started to cry, huge dragon tears falling down his face.

There was nothing to be done. Toddles remained a dragon for the rest of the day. He got in the way a lot, but was comforted by his wife, who tried to kiss him again to release the spell, but it didn't work. Night came- they all settled down, Toddles away from the rest, as dragon snoring is very loud.

The next morning everyone woke at about the same time. They were sad, as they had decided the night before that they would have to leave today, and Toddles would have a hard time swimming along. But he was nowhere to be seen. They searched high and low, when all of a sudden there was a rustling in the bushes, and the head of the human Toddles emerged.

"Psst, Darcy, over here!" he whispered. Darcy went over, surprised.

"You're human again!"

"Yes, but I'm also naked. When I get some clothes on I'll tell you all the story."

Darcy procured some clothes, and they all sat around the remains of the camp, listening to Toddles. He told them how, in the middle of the night, a mysterious lion had come and peeled the dragon scales off him, revealing the human underneath. "And," Toddles said, "He told me that I had proved myself to be an amiable dragon, and that I would have to prove myself to be an amiable human or I'd turn back into a dragon. So you see before you a completely revised Toddles!"

Everyone was very glad. Toddles was indeed amiable from them on. However, the identity of the lion remained a mystery. They searched, but could not even find any tracks. That afternoon, they set off on their voyage again.

Author's Note: And so ends my part in this farce! Thank you everyone!
PS- this part borrows very heavily from CS Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Toddles In Paradise ~ By Jen R

Posted on Friday, 15 October 1999

The Dawn Treader pulled up to a tropical island, grinding up a pearly white beach which stretched along the coast. Its passengers disembarked and headed for the cover they knew was most likely to conceal a spring. (A spring of water, not a Spring of DWG--everyone knows that she is most often found in a dark alley, trying to scalp Phantom Menace tickets. Well, no. Not really.)

As they proceeded through the undergrowth, they grew increasingly sweaty; the women were at the greatest disadvantage, as they had fewer garments they could remove. However, as they were able to view their husbands in puffy white shirts which were damp with sweat, they complained very little.

"Say," said Bingley suddenly. "Doesn't that look like a shelter over yonder?"

"I don't see any yonders," said Colonel Fitzwilliam. "I don't believe those are native to this area, so we're not likely to see any at all. However, there seems to be a shelter, just there through those trees, wouldn't you agree?" Lise Fitzwilliam rolled her eyes but declined to comment. Instead, she continued to write furiously in a small, even script.

"Mrs. Fitzwilliam," inquired Jane, "may I ask why you continue to write so earnestly, even as we are thrashing through this undergrowth?"

"I am trying," panted Lise, tiring from her exertions, "to avert a Deathmatch."

Because Lise was panting, the small company did not notice the panting coming from the small shelter they were approaching until they were very close. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth grinned at each other as they heard what the noises consisted of. The rest of the group soon recognized the noises for what they were, and all hung back at a respectful distance. Shortly, the noises ceased, only to be replaced with urgent, low-pitched murmurs and scrambling sounds.

A woman emerged from the lean-to, pushing her somewhat disheveled hair out of her eyes. A man appeared beside her, tugging his somewhat tattered clothing into some semblance of order. His eyes met Mr. Darcy's, and quickly registered shock similar to the shock he saw in Mr. Darcy.

"Goodness, luv," said the woman, "I fancy that man rather looks like you!"

"Welcome to the back of beyond, friends," said the man. "This is Bridget, and my name is Mark."

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" howled Marks. "I'M Mark! Pay no attention to this young upstart."

Darcy sighed. "Do be quiet, Marks. This is my wife Elizabeth. You see with us the Bingleys, Toddles, Wentworths, and Fitzwilliams, and our chef, Marks. I am Fitzwilliam Darcy." At this last admission, Bridget and Mark started.

"I knew it," wailed Bridget, "I knew it! Chuh! Didn't I tell you they would turn up soon enough to write us out of our happily-ever-after! I knew this couldn't last! Oh, I must call Shazzer!" Bridget ran back into the lean-to.

Mark smiled. "Do forgive my wife. She's never met any Darcys beyond myself and the immediate family. Bridge dearest," he called into the shelter, "do remember that we were saving the flares for emergencies only!"

Mr. Darcy smiled. "Why, you are Darcys as well? What a happy coincidence! We must be related. Tell me, what part of England are you from? How did you come to be here?"

"Well," laughed Mark, "Bridge kept going on about a mini-break, and I thought a long haul would be much more restful… the next thing we knew we were shipwrecked here. Then--"

"Could we not save the pleasantries for later?" snapped Caroline. "I am terribly thirsty, and I am certain these Darcy upstarts must know where the nearest drinkable water can be found." Toddles paled at her sudden bout of ill humour.

Bingley leaned over to Jane and murmured, "Perhaps she ought to have been turned into a dragon as well."

"Too late," she replied.

"I'm sorry, where are my manners?" called Bridget. "I'm just coming! I was going to make Manhattans, and then remembered that I don't know how to make them, and don't have any alcohol besides. So water will have to do." She emerged carrying a small pot. She set it down and handed out her two cups. "Terribly sorry I haven't more glassware," she purred, "but you know, I didn't count on company." Her company took turns dipping from the pot and drinking the cool, clear water, sighing in relief.

In a short time, the group had emptied the pot with their thirst (the pot was, after all, quite small). "Follow me," said Bridget. "I'll refill the pot, and you lot can take a nice refreshing shower in the waterfall." Exclaiming in gratitude, the group followed her down the narrow path.

They all came to a lovely little waterfall, sliding quickly down a rocky overhang. The couples all delightedly ran into the water, splashing each other playfully. Marks, although he felt somewhat left out as he had not been matched up with anyone, only hung back for a second, and was soon splashing Lise quite vigourously to give her husband a chance to display his valour in defending her.

The party soon tired of their exertions, and followed Bridget back through the forest. For a moment, the pool was still but for the flow of water into its northern corner. Nobody had noticed the Ape and the Donkey sitting at the far edge of the pool… let us take note of them now.

"At last, they have gone," said the Ape (which is not at all surprising--if lions can un-dragon people, why should we think Apes cannot talk?) "Now we can decide what is to be done about this skin."

"It couldn't be the real lion's skin, could it, Harry?" said the Donkey.

"I shouldn't wonder if it were," scoffed Harry (for that was the Ape's name). "After all, it isn't as if he were a tame lion, you know. I don't think he was really as clever as everyone thought. I'm sure a brave hunter picked him off--before those bleeding hearts went and spray-painted its skin, I suppose."

"But," ventured the Donkey, "isn't it, well, wrong to kill a lion in the first place?"

"And why should it be?" grunted Harry. "It's time someone took action and dispelled these silly myths the people have been clinging to. It's people like that (like the hunter I mean) that make this country what it is, not lions. Certainly not wild lions, at any rate."

"Yes, Harry," said the Donkey, rather puzzled. "Although I really don't understand, I know you are smarter than me, so you must be right."

Meanwhile, the skin which had provoked this debate, which had been snagged on a branch in a shallow pool, loosened and floated off towards the waterfall.

"Quickly," said Harry, "you must go in after it, Snowy!"

"But Harry," said Snowy timidly (for that was the Donkey's name), "Harry, don't you think that perhaps you might have an easier time getting it? After all, you have opposable digits, whereas I'm much further down on the evolutionary line (so far down that people would never look at me and wonder about common ancestry) and could only get it with my teeth. Your fur is warmer than mine, and furthermore, you're the one that wants it. I don't much care for such a thing."

"Well, Snowy," said Harry, "I should do it in a jiff myself, only I'm such a dreadful swimmer, I'm really much better at coaching and encouraging, and I did just get over a very bad chest cold you know. In fact, I shouldn't wonder if a swim just now wouldn't do me in. However, since you obviously don't care a fig for me, I shall do it myself." He said this last with a carefully calculated sob and the smallest of sniffles.

"Oh, no, you mustn't, Harry!" protested Snowy. "Of course you must allow me to do it for you. Don't be silly." Then, with a toss of his head and a bray, Snowy trotted into the water.

Da da

da da

da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da DEEEEEEEEE

"What was that?" muttered Harry. Whatever it was had speedily approached Snowy and engulfed him in such a frothy lot of waves that Harry could not tell what had happened. As the bubbles cleared and the water stilled, the lion's skin popped to the surface.

"The nerve of him, deserting me that way!" cried Harry. "Now I shall have to do it myself. What kind of a friend abandons his task so quickly?" Harry dove in and swam easily towards the skin. Oddly enough, the cold he had so complained of did not seem to give him any trouble.

Harry soon reached the skin, and clutching at it, he shouted, "Victory is mine! I shall be first in all the land!"

Boedicia and Eva strolled by. "You think so?" called Boedicia, not at all surprised to see a wet Ape hollering at the sky. "I thought we were an autonomous collective."

"You're fooling yourself," said Eva. "We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--"

"Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again," scoffed Boedicia.

"You idiots!" screamed Harry. "Bow at once before your monarch!"

"Our monarch?" said Eva. "Well, I didn't vote for you."

Harry grunted. "Do you think I really care who voted for me, and who didn't, just as long as I was voted in? Really, some people are so politically naďve!"

"Well, if we didn't vote for you," said Boedicia, "how did you become king then?"

A beatific expression came over Harry's face. "A dead lion's skin, brought to me from the Western Wilds, left tattered and ripped and spray-painted by those animal-lovers who last had power, descended over these same falls, and was given to my by the Holy White Water-Dweller, indicating as a sign from heaven that I, Harry, was to fix up this sorry land!"

"If I tried to be queen just because some foamy crustacean lobbed a stuffed owl at me," cried Eva, "they'd lock me away!"

Suddenly, a white mass blurred by the foam surrounding it rushed towards Harry, who promptly disappeared.

da da

"Ah," said Boedicia smugly, "now we see the violence inherent in the system."

Well, that was a little off-subject, don't you think? What do you suppose that was all about?" murmured Lady Leareth to Lady Teg. Lady Teg smiled knowingly at Lady Jen.

"But Teg," whined Marks, who had heard their voices and doubled back to join them, "we didn't even get to the part where they weigh Caroline against the weight of a duck and burn her for a witch because they weigh the same."

"Oh, stop complaining. You're next anyway."

Toddles in Furs

By Marks

Posted on Saturday, 5 June 1999

A warning to those readers who have not been following the Toddles epic. This may seem a little silly.

A warning to those readers who have been following the Toddles epic. This may seem a little silly.

Take that! WHACK!! And that! WHACK!! Came the sounds from round the corner

Marks and Teg broke off their Puddingmeisterly discussion about the up-coming Sachertorte bake off, and hastened round the bend. (As if the Toddles saga, so far, had not driven them part way there already)!

On one side of the path, lounging under some wattle trees, were Elizabeth Darcy, Jane Bingley, and Ann Wentworth, barely able to conceal their laughter, for across the path there was Caroline Toddles (nee Bingley), dressed in a lion skin (Over her day clothes, I should be at pains to point out to our more conservative readers), spanking her husband, who seemed rather strangely to be enjoying the treatment.

Marks scratched his head for a second. Something was not quite right. "Aha!" he exclaimed.

"Shoosh!!!" Hissed four voices. "They'll hear you!"

Marks lowered his voice, "There's something strange going on!"

Four pairs of female eyes looked over at Caroline Toddles dressed in a lion skin, spanking her obviously happy husband, then looked at each other, finally looked back to Marks almost pityingly. I say almost, because each and every one of the ladies mouthed the words "Duh!! Marks! Really?"

Marks squirmed, "I meant, that all the ladies are here except Lise Fitzwilliam!"

Elizabeth piped up, "Oh she and her husband disappeared into that wardrobe over there." She waved vaguely in the direction of a large oaken wardrobe standing rather incongruously amongst the trees.

"What are they doing in there?" Slipped from Marks' lips before he could arrest it. Too late! Four sets of female eyes now looked even more pityingly at Marks, and heads shook sadly.

Marks harumpfed and stalked off muttering under his breath, "....Only been married four weeks, and they're experts in marital arts already....mumble..grump."

He didn't get very far, when he came upon the other gentlemen moving swiftly in the other direction.

"Quickly!" Shouted Captain Wentworth. "There's a naked lion after us, and he doesn't look too pleased either!"

"Come on ladies!" Said Darcy, "we must move swiftly!"

"That means you too, Mr. Toddles!" added Bingley.

"OK Folks, into the wardrobe!" Said Marks.

"Ladies First" Replied Teg, as an obviously irritated lion hove into view. Teg jumped into the wardrobe with an "Eeeeeeeeeekk!"

"Hmm!" The gentlemen looked at each other for a second, then shrugged their shoulders. "Next!!!"

Darcy pushed Elizabeth into the wardrobe, and again there was an "EEEEeeeekk!" (much knitting of brows from the gentlemen).

Jane and Ann went next, again "Eeeekk! Eeeeeekk!!" (Gentlemen scratch heads).

The naked lion was now rather close.

"Any more ladies?" Yelled Wentworth.

Toddles took one look at the lion and dove into the wardrobe ahead of his wife. "EEEEEEKK!!"

The other men looked at each other as if to say "Close enough!"

Wentworth took a close look at Caroline, "I think I know why that lion is angry at us! Quickly, Mrs. Toddles, remove that lion skin! I think he wants it back". Caroline removed the lion skin outer garment, and threw it at the lion who modestly retired behind a tree, from where sounds of zippers being done up presently emanated.

"Quickly folks, lets get into the wardrobe while the lion is distracted." Said Bingley. With that he pushed Caroline into the wardrobe. "EEEEKKK!!!!" Bingley smirked. "You know, Darcy! I always wanted to do that to Caroline. I hope the lion doesn't mind that she dyed his skin orange, and stuck those feathers on it!"

"OK fellers!" Said Darcy, "All for one and one for..."

"Wrong story!" Said Marks dryly. "Just try to avoid the use of any 'Eeeeekks' ok? It does so spoil the manly image."

Into the wardrobe they went. Suddenly they realised the reason for the ladies' cries as they had entered it. The $0DD3N#! thing had no bottom!!!!!!! There was only a deep abyss!!! All four men felt themselves falling, tumbling head over heels. Down and down they fell, till suddenly their fall was broken by the gentle softness of .....their wives.

"Youch! Get off me!" Cried Elizabeth.

"That's not what you said last n.....YEEOWW!" Said Darcy as an Elizabethan elbow hit him in the ribs.

"I just knew there was a reason for the 'ladies first' business," laughed Marks in relief at his soft landing. His laughter was short lived, as a shoe connected to a feminine foot caught him on the jaw.

"Sorry!" Said Teg sweetly, did I get you somewhere where it hurt?

"Where are we?" Gasped Elizabeth Darcy.

"It looks like we are in a hollow tree." Said Ann Wentworth.

"A Horse Chestnut tree, to be precise." Said Caroline.

Lise Fitzwilliam crawled out from under her husband and the pile of others, and looked through the obligatory hole in the tree. "We seem to be on a village green, by a smithy."

"LAMBTON!!" Cried the others. "We're back in England!"

Sure enough, as they crawled out of the tree, the cold hit them.

Marks shivered. "Yup, it's England all right!"

"Cheer Up! It's pudding weather." Said Teg.

"Too late!" Said Marks pointing to the others who had been whispering together.

"You mean!?" Cried Bingley.

"That we're....!?" Whooped Darcy.

"That I'm going to be..!?" Yelled Toddles.

"A father!!!?????" Hollered Wentworth.

Bingley, Darcy, Toddles and Wentworth each hugged and kissed their wives, and danced around, much to the amusement of some other couples who had run to Lambton for the Horse Chestnut season - Lady Catherine Toddles (nee de Bourgh) and her husband, and Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.

"Er Lady Catherine." Said Darcy regaining his composure. "You look well. The exercise running here has done you the world of good. You are positively blooming!"

"And you too, Mother!!" Exclaimed Elizabeth and Jane in unison.

Lady Catherine and Mrs. Bennet both looked at the ground, and would you believe it of either of them, blushed!

"You mean!?" Cried Bingley.

"That you're....!?" Whooped Darcy.

"That I'm going to be..!?" Yelled Sir Tristram Toddles.

"A father!!!?????" Hollered Mr. Bennet.

More celebrations and huggings started.

"Steady on, a minute!" Cried Toddles. " I wish to know what this all infers." He paused for a second then continued. "Since Darcy and Bingley are brothers to me by marriage, my father's next child will be a brother or sister to all of us, but Lady Catherine is Darcy's Aunt, so her child will be a cousin, and Mrs. Bennet's next child will be an......OWW!!! My head hurts."

"Lucky the Colonel married Lise rather than Ann, or Toddles would have a real problem," snickered Darcy.

"Speaking of whom." Said Caroline, "Where is Lise?"

Luckily for further conjectures on that lady, a diversion of attention occurred in that a rather dour man with a pinched face drove up in a curricle. "My name," he announced with a degree of self importance, "is Brian Whobley,I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help you!"

At this pronouncement, you must understand gentle readers that the net effect was to have a number of gentlemen and newly pregnant ladies rolling around on the green in gales of mirth. "He's from the Government, and he's here to help us????" Shrieked Mrs. Bennet, "I haven't heard anything so funny since the Americans threw all that tea into Boston Harbour.".

Finally, they managed to regain some semblance of composure, and Darcy was able to inquire of the man. "Can you tell us the nature of this 'help'?"

"Indeed Sir, I can." He replied in an oily manner that would have done Mr. Collins proud.

"I am from the Environmental Protection Agency, and I have had an anonymous tipoff that someone has polluted the shades of Pemberley, in flagrant contravention of the Pemberley Pollution Act of 1776. Can anyone here help me with information?"

At this, Lady Catherine's mouth opened briefly, only to have her husband take advantage of the situation, in the best possible of taste, I would hasten to add.

Darcy looked at Mr. Whobley and calmly stated, "No pollution of Pemberley here!"

Whobley looked uncertainly at Lady Catherine who was making loud but unfathomable noises under her husband's attentions.

Darcy addressed Whobley, this time with one word only. "Newlyweds!!!"

Whobley bowed low entered the curricle and left at a trot to get back into the office in time for morning tea.

Darcy turned to the others and said. "Let's all walk to Pemberley and have some breakfast. I'm dying to meet Georgiana and tell her of everything that has happened."

Lady Catherine, finally disengaging herself from her husband, addressed Darcy. "My dearest Nephew, I think that before you see your sister, you should know that she is.......

Toddles: The End!

By Leareth

Posted on Monday, 7 June 1999

*sniff* It's been fun guys! BTW . . . for any readers who are reading this for the first time and have not been keeping up with the infamous TODDLES authors, be warned . . . Teg,, Marks, Eva, JenR, Bodecia and Leareth are all escapees from your local loony bin and are considered VERY dangerous. They have the ability to write stories that cause some readers to wet their pants with laughter.

"Georgiana is . . . ?" asked Darcy to his aunt Catherine Toddles.

Lady Catherine bent down and whispered.

Everyone else leaned down also.

"Georgiana is . .. " whispered Lady Catherine veeeeeeery softly. Everyone leaned down to hear.

"AAAAAAAA---OW!"

Everyone had leaned over too far and collapsed in one big heap.

Toddles extricated himself from underneath his wife. "Really, dear, you have gained some weight."

"That's because I'm pregnant, dolt!"

Mrs. Toddles thumped her husband.

Recovering himself, Darcy repeated, "Georgiana is . . . "

Austen Time suddenly STOPPED.

Teg and Marks looked at each other.

"What the hell?" asked Marks, staring at the frozen figures.

Teg shook her head.

Up in a tree, Leareth was sitting back, off in La-La land, waiting for inspiration.

"OI!!!" yelled Teg.

Leareth annoyingly started humming.

Seeing he wasn't going to get Leareth's attention by conventional means, Marks resorted to desperate measures.

SPLOTCH!!!

"OI!!!!" yelled Leareth.

"Start writing!" screamed Teg. "You stopped . . . and . .. " She coughed. "Wait a moment." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a honey and lemon Soother and popped it into her mouth.

"Ahhhhhh, that's better. Errrrm, LEARETH, WHEN YOU STOPPED WRITING, AUSTEN TIME AND THE STORY STOPPED. SO, START WRITING NOW!!!"

"Huh? Whoops!"

scribble scribble . . . .

Everyone got up and asked Lady Catherine the magic question,

"Georgiana is - ?"

Lady Catherine coughed and thumped and ranted and raved and jumped and bumped and hit and squished and kissed (but missed) her husband.

"I'm better now," she said.

"WHAT'S UP WITH GEORGIANA????" screamed everyone.

Austen Time STOPPED.

"Now what's wrong?" shouted Marks to the tree.

Leareth was licking the pudding off her face.

"I can't think what's up with Georgiana," she mumbled.

Marks looked at the various Pride and Prejudice characters and all of their little invented characters.

"Hurry up!"

scribble scribble . . .

Austen Time STARTED.

Lady Catherine grinned and shouted,

"GEORGIANA IS DEAD!"

"WHAT???!!!"

"Just joking. Actually . . ."

"Actually . . . ?"

"Actually she's insane."

"WHAT???!!!!!"

"She's looked herself in the tower up there, waiting for the millennium," said Lady Catherine, thumbing towards the tower.

"What's the millennium?" asked Toddles to his wife.

"I don't know. Something fun?" she asked, ticking under Toddles's chin.

"Fun sounds good."

"What's there to wait for? It's not for another few hundred years!" said Colonel Fitzwilliam.

"Actually, dearest," said Lise. She checked her magic digital watch. "It's right NOW."

The earth began to shake. The sky began to fall. The sun turned green.

The End of the World had begun.

Austen Time STOPPED.

Very mad now, Marks climbed the tree and threateningly waved a pudding in Leareth's face.

"Now what have you done?!"

Teg climbed up as well. "What the hell?"

Marks shook his head. "I knew it was a mistake to let a crazy person write the ending. Where did you get that idea from?"

"You don't want to know."

"Your right, I don't. BUT CHANGE IT!"

"Okay, okay."

Rub rub rub rub rub rub rub scribble scribble . . .

Austen Time REWOUND and RESTARTED.

BBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

"GEORGIANA IS DEAD!"

"WHAT??!!!"

"Just joking. Actually . . . ."

Lady Catherine began to collapse with laughter.

"Georgiana is up in the music room torturing Wickham."

"Oh. Okay. That's fine then."

There was a girly scream, completely in harmony with the loud 'devil's' chord played by the piano, from the music room.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

Darcy grinned. "That sounds like fun. I think I'll join her."

Suddenly, all the married women collapsed to the ground and began gasping.

"What's going on?" cried Bingley, cradling Jane in a cradle.

"Dearest, this cradle is going to have another use in a few moments," gasped Jane.

"Huh?"

Teg leaned over and whispered into Bingley's ear.

"WHAT?! NOW?!"

"Yes now! All of them!"

"All of them?? They're all having a baby now??"

Marks smirked and ate a clam pudding. "Of course. You husbands have been pretty busy . . . ."

The light turned pink as the married gentlemen turned pink. As one, they all headed for the Pemberley lake, not noticing the various camouflaged tents around that had been used by Dwggies, waiting for another story . . .

There was a series of splashes. Teg grabbed her camera and ran for the lake, leaving Marks behind to take care of the women.

Marks finished eating and stared down and said, "Uh, okeday, nowsa whatcha we doeing?"

Puzzled, he stopped and tried to speak again.

"So, what mesa do with all thesa ladies?"

Marks looked at himself. His skin had turned rubbery with orange spots and his body had become gangly and long-limbed. His head had become one large duck-like snout and his ears had extended to become large and flappy.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGH!!!!!" he screamed.

Austen Time STOPPED.

"Whatcha dosa to moi?" wailed Marks to Leareth.

Leareth grinned evilly.

"Let me introduce you to Mar Mar Jinks!"

Mar Mar Jinks poked his long tongue out at the tree. Suddenly overcome by a desire to eat a clam, he headed off for the lake. He executed a double somersault and dived in.

Austen Time STARTED.

The gentlemen, dripping wet and with rather transparent white linen shirts, came back and carried their respective wives into the house. Quickly assigning rooms for everyone, Darcy yelled for Mrs. Reynolds to arrange for some midwives . . .

Lizzy sat up straight in her bed in the Lambton inn. She gasped and opened the window to cool her burning cheeks.

What kind of a dream was that?

She breathed deeply and closed her eyes.

Snowstorms in the middle of summer, a pantry, a honeymoon cruise, Van Diemen's land, lion skins, enchanted clergymen, prosecutors, pudding, clones, Jedi - what on earth was I thinking??

Yet overriding all of these was the image of Fitzwilliam Darcy.

In the pantry, on the ship, in the garden, oh my god!

Lizzy blushed and the room glowed. That's disgusting. As if I'll ever find myself acting like that around Fitzwilliam.

She went back to bed, determined to cast all thoughts of Mr. Darcy from her mind.

Problem was, she found herself wishing he was in bed with her.

Darcy sat up straight in his bed in the inn along the road to Pemberley. He gasped and opened the window to cool his burning cheeks.

What kind of a dream was that?

He breathed deeply and closed his eyes.

Snowstorms in the middle of summer, a pantry, a honeymoon cruise, Van Diemen's land, lion skins, enchanted clergymen, prosecutors, pudding, clones, Jedi - what on earth was I thinking??

Yet overriding all of these was the image of Elizabeth Bennet.

In the pantry, on the ship, in the garden, oh my god!

Darcy blushed and the room glowed. That's disgusting. As if that will ever happen. I'm the last person whom she could ever marry, he thought, depressed.

He went back to bed, determined to cast all thoughts of Elizabeth from his mind.

Problem was, he found himself wishing she was in bed with him.

"This is the music room," said Mrs. Reynolds, taking her guests on a tour of Pemberley House.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner looked at all the instruments and smiled.

"Would you not like to spend time here, Lizzy?" asked Mrs. Gardiner.

"Mmmmmm, yes, especially with Mr. - " She stopped her musings just in time.

"Well," replied Mrs. Reynolds. "If you will come this way, I will show you the pantry."

Elizabeth hung back, her cheeks pink.

The pantry - don't remind me. It's just like last night's dream.

When they came to the pantry, Lizzy blushed even redder, vividly remembering how pleasant her experiences in the pantry had been. Mrs. Reynolds wondered where the light was coming from.

Soon they decided they had had enough of touring, and the Gardiners and Lizzy left the house. They headed towards the lake, wondering why there were so many people camped out.

All I need to complete my dream is for Fitzwilliam to appear dripping wet, thought Elizabeth.

The trees parted, and there stood Mr. Darcy - dripping wet and very handsome indeed in his transparent wet shirt.

Lizzy gasped. "Mr. Darcy!"

Fitzwilliam was shocked. "Miss Bennet!"

Both of them remembered last night's dream-activities. The light turned pink, much to Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner's amazement.

Time STOPPED.

Up in the tree, Leareth grinned evilly.

"Hehehehehehehe . . . . . . . . ."

scribble scribble scribble . . . .

SPLOOOSH!

Out of the water came a very strange amphibious creature, jabbering in pidgin English.

"AHHHHHHHH!! Gemme outtasa this, okeday Lerryth?"

scribble scribble

POP!!!!

Marks looked at himself.

"Oh boi, oh boi, I love yous, I love yous forever!" he cried.

POP!

Out of the trees ran Toddles and Miss Bingley, hotly pursued by a naked lion.

"AAARRRGH!!!"

"GGGGRRRRRROWL!"

"HELP HELP HELP HELP!"

scribble scribble scribble

POP!

Out of the house ran Teg holding a camera, hotly pursued by the ladies of the DWG.

"Look, Tam, Danielle, Eva, Genette, Dawn, CM, Leah, everyone, I'll get you all ten copies of all the guys in their wet shirts, okay? No need to fight!" she cried to no avail.

"GIMME THE CAMERA!" screamed the Dwggies.

Teg screamed too and ran for Leareth's tree.

POP!

Jane and Bingley, locked in a passionate kiss, were seen in the bushes. They turned bright red.

"What are you looking at?" they demanded.

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

Lady Catherine, Major Toddles, Lise, Colonel Fitzwilliam, Wickham with Georgiana after him, Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, Kenneth Starr, Captain and Ann Wentworth, and everyone else in TODDLES appeared.

Lizzy fainted, and fell into the lake.

"Lizzy!" yelled Darcy, diving in after her.

At the same time, in her desperate bid to catch Teg, Eva did a rugby tackle - and also dived into the lake.

"Oopse daisy," said Marks.

Mr. Gardiner sat down on the edge of the lake, and cast out his fishing line. Soon, he careful drew in the line, and on the end of it, caught by the seat of his pants on the hook, came Darcy grasping Lizzy to him.

"What a fine catch," said Mr. Gardiner. He then cast his line again, and pulled out Eva.

Both ladies were soon lying on the grass unconscious. Unsure of what to do, Darcy looked to Marks for help.

"Mesa tink you help them," said Marks.

"How? Who first?"

Marks scratched his head. "Mesa tink you help Evva first, she be in der lake longest. You do CPR, okeday?"

With one look at Lizzy, Darcy quickly bent down and gave Eva a big gulp of air.

All the ladies of the DWG immediately turned green.

Eva coughed and sat up. Darcy moved over to Lizzy.

"Awwww!" whined Eva. "I want to do that again!"

Darcy leaned over Lizzy and placed his mouth on hers. He did not move, even after five minutes.

"Errrrr, doncha tink tis little bit long?" asked Marks.

Lizzy's eyes fluttered open then grasped Darcy's hair and pulled him closer. When they finally parted, Lizzy looked at Darcy for a long time.

"Fitzwilliam," she said.

Darcy jerked at being called by his first name by Elizabeth.

"Yes?"

Lizzy took his arm.

"We need to do a lot of talking," she said. "A lot."

Darcy did not mind a bit, not with Lizzy gently leading him towards a door the appeared out of nowhere, marked, PANTRY.

The crowd all cheered.

Suddenly, there was a bright light. Not coming from the various married couples, but from the sky.

No, it wasn't the sun.

A figure appeared in a beam of light.

No, it wasn't God - sort of.

Up in her tree, Leareth was frowning at her paper.

"What's going on? I'm not writing anything and Austen Time is still moving."

All the Pride and Prejudice characters went POP and disappeared. All the Dwggies fell to their knees and bowed in reverence before the figure.

"This is most irregular!" cried Jane Austen.

As one, all the Dwiggies said, "Oh, Miss Austen, how we all worship you, for bringing such light into our lives."

Jane Austen frowned and asked, "What on earth have you done to my stories? They are not meant to be made fun of."

Marks grinned and pointed to the tree.

"Itssall her falt!," he said.

Up in the tree, Leareth said, "Uh oh."

"Come down please," said Jane Austen.

Called by the idol of the DWG, Leareth came down.

"It's not my fault! It's theirs as well!" she protested, pointing to Marks, Teg, Bodecia, Eva and JenR.

Jane Austen frowned.

"May I ask what possessed you to take part in such a ridiculous venture?" she said.

The infamous TODDLES authors bowed their heads.

"It was fun," said Eva.

"It was silly," said JenR.

"It was hilarious," said Bodecia.

Marks kneeled before Jane Austen, goddess of the DWG.

"Pleasa don punnish usa, okeday? I give yous sum puddin?" he pleaded.

Jane Austen smiled.

"I will not, for it is a truth universally acknowledged that those who have such wild imaginations must be congratulated." She clicked her fingers and the P&P characters and the invented characters appeared again.

"I thank you all for applying your minds to livening up my stories, though perhaps I would have enjoyed it more if you had used less of the pantry."

She opened her hands and a large book appeared. The P&P characters all flew into the book, which she then shut.

"Keep writing!" said Jane Austen.

Jane Austen turned into a bright light and disappeared.

The Dwggies, still prostrated on the grass of Pemberley, realised that there was one character still there.

"HELP!" begged Toddles. "I need a story to live, or I will disappear . . . ."

Marks shook his head.

"Whatsa we do wif him, Lerryth?"

Leareth grinned and help up six pens for six authors.

"Write another story!"

Note: Never let a crazy girl write the ending.
Apologies to:
Marks (for turning you into a Gungan)
Teg (for making you get chased by everyone)
Bodecia, JenR and Eva (for being included as my fellow escapees from the loony bin)
George Lucas (for adding Mar Mar Jinks to the Gungan population)
Kenneth Starr (actually, I won't apologise to him)
Jane Austen (for plagiarism, unauthorised use of her characters, ridicule, etc . . . )

FINIS!

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