TENINTERESTINGTHINGSABOUTHUMANBEHAVIOR

SuzanneL.Davis,PhD

ThirdEdition

PublishedbySuzanneL.DavisatSmashwords

Copyright2014SuzanneL.Davis

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TABLEOFCONTENTS

FOREWORD

CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDES BY
CHANGINGYOURBEHAVIOR.

CHAPTER 2: HUMAN BEINGS CAN BE INCONSISTENT. AND
THAT’SPERFECTLYNORMAL.

CHAPTER 3: MOST PUBLIC DEBATES ABOUT THE CAUSES OF
BEHAVIORGETITWRONG.

CHAPTER 4: READING THE SUBTLETIES OF BODY LANGUAGE
TELLSYOULITTLE,IFANYTHING,ABOUTAPERSON.

CHAPTER 5: TABLOIDS AND REALITY SHOWS CAN MAKE US
FEELBETTERABOUTOURSELVES.

CHAPTER 6: REWARDS AND PUNISHMENT WORK WONDERS,
BUTYOUHAVETOWORKIT.

CHAPTER7:DON’TPUTYOURAVERAGEJOEONTHESPOTAND
EXPECTAGOODOUTCOME.

CHAPTER 8: WE USE A DOUBLE STANDARD WHEN WE JUDGE
OURSELVESRELATIVETOOTHERS.

CHAPTER9:AIRLINETRAVELBRINGSOUTWEIRD,ANDOFTEN
DOWNRIGHTRUDE,BEHAVIOR.

CHAPTER 10: OUR BRAINS “TURN OFF” OUR BEHAVIOR WHEN
WEDREAM.

AFTERWORD

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

REFERENCES

FREESAMPLECHAPTEROF

MEORWHATEVER

FOREWORD

Ten Interesting Things About Human Behavior is a short, lighthearted
look at 10 things human beings do, why we do them, and their
significance in our everyday lives. How do we resolve psychological
conflictthatoccurswhenourbehaviorviolatesourattitudes?Whyarewe
soquicktoblameothersfortheirbehaviorwhileofferingexcusesforour
own?WhatshouldwemakeofthetalkingheadsoncableTVwhoargue
about the cause of TV violence on children's behavior? Why are reality
TV shows, some of which portray contestants as pathetic and
dysfunctional,sopopular?

Questions like these often provoke different answers from different
people,eachofwhomattributeshisorheranswersto"commonsense."

Researchpsychologiststrytoanswersuchquestionsasbestwecan.This
short book is a look at the answers to 10 aspects of human behavior -
answers derived from controlled behavioral research that is designed to
testvarioustheories(andcompetingtheories)aboutbehavior.Certainly,
thereismoretohumanbehaviorthanthe10thingsIchoseforthisbook.
And there are hundreds of primary sources and research reports that
describe the research findings in more depth. They're out there if you'd
liketoreadmore.Butforthosewhoarenewtothefieldofexperimental
psychology,10Thingsmaypiqueyourinterestinlearningmoreaboutthe
subject. And for those "armchair psychologists" out there who'd like a
quickread,Ithinkyou'lllikeit,too.

Finally,Iwanttosayaspecialthankstothosewhoofferedconstructive
feedbackonthefirsteditionof10Things.Therehavebeennosubstantive
changes to 3rd Edition, but I have clarified a few points in response to
readersuggestions.

CHAPTER1:YOUCANCHANGEYOURATTITUDESBY

CHANGINGYOURBEHAVIOR.

WhenIwasteachingandpresentedthisprincipleforthefirsttime,Igota
lotofblankstares.Thencamethequestions...

“Isn’tittheotherwayaround?Don’tmyattitudesinfluencehowIact?”

“That’sridiculous!IhaveastrongvaluesystemandIalwayslivebyit!”
“Areyousayingthatpeoplearefickleandcan’tcontroltheirfeelings?”

No,itdoesn’tmeanwearefickle,nordoesitmeanattitudesneverhave
aneffectonbehavior.Ofcourseourattitudesaffectourbehavior.Butit
is also true that our behavior can have a direct effect on our attitudes
undertherightcircumstances(Eagly&Chaiken,1993).

Here’s how it works. I used to live in Chicago, where it was illegal to
carryaconcealedweapon.NobodyIknewownedagun,andmostthought
that guns equaled crime and the fewer guns in the streets, the better.
WhenImovedtoHouston,IlearnedthatmostTexanshadverydifferent
feelings toward guns, associating them with personal safety, defense of
thehome,andsport(e.g.,targetpractice,hunting).ThefirsttimeIvisited
mynext-doorneighbors,Iwasintroducedtotheirguncollection,which
wasdisplayedinaquiteimpressiveguncabinet.

Iwaspuzzled.Icouldn’treconcilethefactthatmyneighborsandmany
othergoodupstandingcitizensownedandenjoyedguns.Iwasinconflict
overwhatIcametoHoustonbelieving(gunsequalcrime)andhowIwas
behaving (interacting with nice gun owners). Over time, I became more
comfortable with the idea of citizens being able to carry guns. My
attitudesaboutgunschangedtobeconsistentwithmybehavior.

Ifyou’veeverbeenonadiet,youmayseeyourselfinthisnextexample,
which I’m borrowing from Baron, Byrne, and Johnson (1998). Suppose
you commit to a diet that outlaws desserts. You adopt the belief that
sugaristheenemyandshouldbeavoided.Afterawhile,youslipandeat
a pint of chocolate-chocolate-chip Haagen Dazs (the best flavor in my

opinion). Now you have a problem.You feel guilty.Your behavior (the
slip)isatoddswithyourbeliefs(sugaristheenemy).

Thepsychologicaldiscomfortyoufeel(whichisguiltinthisexample)is
known to psychologists as cognitive dissonance, or a state of tension
between what you did and what you believe (Aronson, 1969; Festinger,
1957;Harmon-Jones&Mills,1999).Howdoyourelieveyourguilt?One
way is to revise your attitude. “Oh well, I guess it’s ok to have an
occasionaltreateventhoughI’monastrictdiet.”Yourbehaviorcauseda
changeinyourattitude.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Well, now that you know the power of cognitive dissonance, why not
capitalizeonit?Perhapsyouhaveheardtheseadages:“Dotherightthing
andyourbrainwillfollow.”Or“Actlikethepersonyouwanttobeand
youjustmightbecomethatperson.”Bothstatementsrefertotheamazing
thingourbrainsdowhenourbehaviorandattitudesdon’tmatch.Youcan
learntolikesomething(oratleastbecomemorecomfortablewithit)by
“justdoingit”andcontinuingtodoit,evenifyouinitiallydon’twantto.

Ifyouareaparent,youmaybeabletochangeyourchildren’sattitudes
forthebetter.Ifyougently,um,forcethemtogetintothehabitofdoing
things they initially dislike (like taking out the garbage), there’s a good
chancethattheirfeelingsaboutitwillbecome more positive over time.
Theyjustmightcometobelievethatgarbagedutyis“notsobad.

CHAPTER2:HUMANBEINGSCANBEINCONSISTENT.AND

THAT’SPERFECTLYNORMAL.

Scenario: Debate class. Debater 1 is arguing pro-life, and Debater 2 is
arguingpro-choice.

Debater1:“Abortionismurder.”

Debater 2: “No, murder means killing a person. A baby isn’t a person
untilbirth.”

Debater1:“No,lifebeginsatconception,soabortionismurder.”

Debater2:“Well,thenyoumustbeagainstallabortions.”

Debater1:“No,Ibelieveabortionsshouldbeallowedincasesofrape,or
ifthemother’slifeisindanger.”

Debater 2: “But you said life begins at conception. That means by your
ownaccountthatyousupportmurderundercertainconditions.”

Debater1:“Absolutelynot.Iwouldneversupportmurder.”

Debater2:“Youcan’thaveitbothways.Yourbeliefsareinconsistent.”

Debater 1: “Let’s look at your beliefs, then. Do you support capital
punishment?”

Debater 2: “No. I think that kind of punishment is not for people to
decide.”

Debater 1: “So let me get this straight. You think it is ok to murder a
childinthewomb,butit’snotoktokillaserialkiller.”

Debater 2: “That’s not what I said. I denounce murder in any form, but
abortionisnotmurder.”

Thisisagoodexampleofthefrustrationpeoplefeelwhentheyencounter
someone with beliefs that appear to be inconsistent. Each person
concludestheotherisillogical,andneithercanunderstandwhytheirown
argumentsaren’tpersuasive.

The issue of inconsistency frequently comes up in my litigation
consulting work, which involves assessing mock jurors’ perceptions of
case evidence. During one such exercise, most of our mock jurors
reportedhavingagreatdealofsympathyforaworkerwhowasinjuredon
the job. They also thought he should lose the case and the employer he
wassuingshouldwin.

Those observing the exercise were a bit puzzled. Did the mock jurors
misunderstand the case? Did they take the task seriously? Were they
purposely giving inconsistent answers for some reason? Was there
somethingwrongwiththewayweassessedtheirattitudes?

Well,Icanvouchforthequalityofourresearchmethods,includingour
attitude assessment.And the mock jurors understood the case facts and
hadbeenconscientiousandhonestintheiropinions.

So,whathappened?Totheextentthemockjurorshadtrulyinconsistent
beliefs,itwouldnotbeunusual.Inconsistencyinattitudes(andbetween
attitudes and behavior) is fairly common (The Blackwell Dictionary of
Social Psychology, n.d.). Although we can think logically, it doesn’t
meanwealwaysdo(Shermer,1997).Sometimeswe’retornbetweentwo
feelingsorindecisiveaboutwhatweshoulddo.Itdoesn’tautomatically
meanwe’redim,mentallylazy,orbadthinkers.Itmeanswe’rehuman.

Possibility #2 is that those observing the exercise misinterpreted what
theysaw.Asitturnedout,themockjurorsfeltsympathyfortheplaintiff
while at the same time believing that his evidence was weak. In their
minds, they weren’t being inconsistent at all. Sympathy was simply
unrelatedtotheirdecision-makingprocess.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Knowingthatinconsistency(a)isanormalpartofhumannature,and(b)
can lie in the eye of the beholder could have positive effects on your
personalandprofessionalrelationships.Haveyouevertriedtoconvince
someonethathisorherbeliefsareinconsistentandthereforewrong?It’s
not exactly a high-success or relationship-building endeavor. Consider

the possibility that your perception is wrong, and put your energy into
learningwhytheirbeliefsaren’tinconsistenttothem.

So, if anyone ever accuses you of being inconsistent, you now have a
great comeback: “Human beings can be inconsistent, and anyway what
seemsinconsistenttooneisperfectlyconsistenttoanother.”

CHAPTER3:MOSTPUBLICDEBATESABOUTTHECAUSESOF

BEHAVIORGETITWRONG.

Howmanytimeshaveyouseenthetalkingheadsofcablenewsarguing
aboutwhypeopledothethingstheydo?

Example: Why did two students at Columbine High School go on a
shooting rampage and then turn the guns on themselves? One talking
head says it was poor parenting, another says it was the availability of
guns, another says it was mental illness, and still another says it was
exposuretomediaviolence.Eventhoughthereisnowaytoverifyanyof
theirtheories,thetalkingheadskeeponkeepingon.

Another example: Does watching violence on TV make children act
aggressively? One talking head says absolutely and we need to restrict
violentprogramming.Anothersaysno,lotsofkidswatchviolenceonTV
andthey’renotaggressiveatall,andit’sallaboutpoorparenting.

Debatesliketheseusuallyendupwiththetalkingheadsarguingloudly,
repeating their positions, and resolving nothing. They also fail to take
intoaccountoneofthemostimportantprinciplesofbehavior:Rarelyis
there one and only one cause of a behavior. Most behavior is caused by
several factors interacting together simultaneously. (By the way, this is
what makes psychological research so important. It allows us to tease
apartthevariouscausesandcontributingfactorsofbehavior.)

Back to the aggression example: Psychological research on social
learning has addressed the question of whether observing aggression
causes children to act aggressively. All other things being equal, a
significant number of children imitate aggressive behavior they observe
live or in video format. But they are significantly less likely to do so
whentheyexpecttobepunishedforit(Bandura,1977;Bandura,Ross,&
Ross,1961).

So, when one talking head says children imitate aggression, there’s a
kernel of truth there.And when another says there are a lot of children
who don’t model aggression, there’s a kernel of truth there, too. But

neither kernel by itself tells the whole story, which is that on average,
childrenareatriskofmodelingaggressiontotheextenttheywitnessit.
Butthere’smorethanagoodchancethattheywon’tdosoiftheyexpect
anegativeconsequence.

WHAT GOOD IS KNOWING THIS? Next time you are wondering
whatcausedsomeone’sactions,trynottogetintoaneither/ortrap(i.e.,it
was either this or that; also known as a false dilemma). If you do, you
stand a very good chance of ignoring additional factors contributing to
thebehavior.Andbewarethekerneloftruth.Considerthepossibilitythat
morethanonefactorinteractedtocausethebehavior.Ifyoudo,consider
yourself a psychologist at heart and you’re well on the way to a deeper
understandingofhumanbehavior.

4:READINGTHESUBTLETIESOFBODYLANGUAGETELLS

YOULITTLE,IFANYTHING,ABOUTAPERSON.

People love the idea of being able to read body language. On TV, body
language experts wow viewers by “reading” public figures, politicians,
and the occasional celebrity on trial. Police dramas depict profilers
reading subtle nonverbal cues to determine whether a suspect is lying,
wherethatweek’svictimisburied,andsoon.

Now, I love cop shows, especially those that feature psychology types.
It’sgreatentertainment.Butdon’tassumetheshowsreflectreality.This
maycomeasasurprise,buttherearenoclassesinreadingbodylanguage
in psychology Ph.D. programs. Why? Because there is no empirical
supportfortheideathatanyone,includingpsychologists,canaccurately
readunspokenfeelingsbasedonsubtlebodymovements.

“But wait,” you say. “I can read my kids perfectly. I can tell just by
lookingatthemwhat’sontheirminds.”Well,ofcourseyoucan,butyou
aren’t “reading” them; you know them. The true test of whether anyone
can read subtle body language with accuracy is whether they can
correctlyreadsomeonetheydon’tknow–astranger.

ResearcherPaulEkmanhasstudiedjustthat.Inhisongoingresearch,he
hastestedpeople’sabilitytodetectdeceptioninstrangers(Ekman,2009;
seealsoAdelson,2004).Heandhiscolleagueshavetestedtheabilityof
laypeople,therapists,policeofficers,nurses,andsecretserviceagentsto
detect deception in strangers who either lied or told the truth about
something.Onaverage,theparticipants’accuracyratewasapproximately
53%, just slightly higher than chance. They may as well have tossed a
coin. (Interesting tidbit: Secret service agents performed significantly
betterthantheotherparticipantsbutwerestillnotthatmuchbetterthan
chance.)

In my litigation consulting work, I’m sometimes asked if I can “read”
howjurorsarereactingtoevidence,testimony,andothergoingsoninthe
courtroom.Myanswerisalwaysthesame:“No,nobodycandothatwith

anylevelofaccuracy.Itwouldonlybeaguess.”

Here’sthething:Itisbestnottoassumethatyouknowwhatisgoingon
inside someone’s head – unless they tell you (and there are even
problems with that method, since people can mislead with their words).
You don’t have to be a mind reader to figure out what some people are
thinking.It’sprobablysafetosaythatsomeonewithhisarmsfolded,red-
faced,andglaringatyouisupset.Someonewhoconstantlyglancesather
watchduringyourconversationisprobablyreadytobolt.Isayprobably
because even “obvious” nonverbal behavior can be misinterpreted. I’ve
seenithappen.

Example: During a mock jury exercise, one of our participants became
visibly drowsy, closed his eyes, and slumped sideways in his chair. I
askedhimseveraltimestowakeupandpayattention,butwithinminutes
hewasagainslumpedinhischair,eyesclosed.Hemissedoutonmostof
the case evidence and his body language clearly expressed that he was
eithertooexhaustedtofunction,notinterested,orboth.

Butlaterthatday,duringmockdeliberations,hedisplayedanimpressive
command of the case facts, and he was persuasive in his deliberation
group. This young man who looked disinterested, and either asleep or
well on his way to being asleep, had been paying close attention. He
defied expectations, demonstrating that even “obvious” body language
canbemisinterpreted.

And what about more subtle nonverbal behavior? The problem here is
thatitissimplytooeasytoreadalmostanythingintoit.Infact,multiple
observers of the same nonverbal behavior often reach very different
conclusions about what it all means. The bottom line? There is no
empirical evidence that anyone can tell you how a person will behave
basedoninterpretationofsubtlenonverbalbehavior(seeDavis&Sobus,
1994,foranexpandeddiscussion).

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

If you want to know what someone thinks, ask. This may seem like an

obvious point, but if you do a little self-monitoring, you may find that
youmakemoreunverifiedinferencesaboutpeoplethanyouthought.

Andbewaryofanyonewhoclaimstobeexpertatreadingbodylanguage.
If body language is sending an obvious message, you don’t need an
“expert” to read it, and if it is so subtle that someone has to claim
expertise to read it, you should question whether it is being over-
interpreted. Be entertained by the “experts,” but realize that’s all it is -
entertainment.

CHAPTER5.TABLOIDSANDREALITYSHOWSCANMAKEUS

FEELBETTERABOUTOURSELVES.

AfriendandIweretalkingandsomehowthetopicofgossipmagazines
cameup.Youknow,thekindthatreportsonthelatestcelebrityhookups,
break ups, arrests, rehab stints, and the various antics happening on the
realityshows.

She asked me a great question. “What do people get out of these
magazinesandrealityshows?Whyaretheysoappealing?”Sheknewof
my psychology background and had been following my blog, so she
hopedImightshedsomelightonthematter.

Nodoubttherearemanyreasonsforthepopularityofgossipmagazines
and reality shows. Viewers may identify with the characters. They may
enjoy making fun of the characters. They may enjoy rooting for the
underdog.Theymaywatchtokeepupwiththewatercoolerconversation.
Yetthere’sanotherpossibility:Viewersmayfeelbetteraboutthemselves
knowingtherearepeopleintheworldwhoaremoremessedupthanthey
are.

There’s a name for this phenomenon: downward social comparison
(Guimond, 2005). It may sound a bit mean, but it is what it is.You’ve
probablydoneitwithoutrealizingit.Eversayorthinksomethinglike“I
have problems, but at least I’m not 16 and pregnant like she is!” or “I
maypartysometimes,butit’snothinglikewhatthatguyisdoing!”

Armed with “it could be worse” feelings, we feel better about our own
situationsandperhapsmoregratefulforwhatwedohave.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Academically,it’sjustplainfascinatingthatourbrainslookforwaysto
increaseourpsychologicalwell-being.ButI’mnotgoingtosuggestthat
yougoonamissiontofindthoselessfortunatethanyouinordertoboost
yourself-esteem.Thatwouldn’tbehealthy.Sojustletithappennaturally
anddoitsthing.Youmightcatchyourselfdoingit,andifso,it’sagreat

opportunitytoreflectonhowfortunateyouare.

CHAPTER6:REWARDSANDPUNISHMENTWORKWONDERS,

BUTYOUHAVETOWORKIT.

Thisisanoldiebutgoodie.Wanttochangesomeone’sbehavior?Youcan
accomplish this if you implement two of the most basic psychological
techniques for shaping behavior – reinforcement and punishment
(Skinner,1976).

Thetechniquesaresimpleandyoumayalreadyknowwhattheyare.I’ll
useaparentingexample:Whenyourchilddoessomethingyoulike(e.g.,
cleansupthedishesafterdinner),yourewardher(e.g.,letherspendextra
time on the computer). When your child does something undesirable
(e.g.,throwingatempertantrumatthegrocerystore),youpunishhimby
imposinganegativeconsequence(e.g.,lossofcomputeraccess).

I suspect you are having one of several reactions right about now.You
may have already tried using rewards and punishments with success, in
whichcase,great!Oryoumaybethinking“Duh,that’snothingnew.”Or
“ItallsoundsgoodbutIcan’tbearoundmykidsallthetimetoreward
andpunishthem.”Interestingly,rewardsdon’tnecessarilyhavetooccur
aftereachandeveryinstanceofthedesiredbehavior.Teachershavelong
used rewards in the classroom with great success, and they aren’t with
yourchildren100%ofthetime.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

If you work the reinforcement and punishment techniques and have a
goodamountofpatience,youcanexertaconsiderableamountofcontrol
(in a nice way) over others’ behavior, and it may not be obvious to the
personyouaretargeting.(P.S.Reinforcementandpunishmentalsowork
onsignificantothers,parents,siblings,pets,colleagues,andauthors.)

CHAPTER7:DON’TPUTYOURAVERAGEJOEONTHESPOT

ANDEXPECTAGOODOUTCOME.

Jay Leno, the former late-night television host of The Tonight Show,
occasionally ran a segment called Jaywalking. The deal was that people
were approached on the street by Jay, who asked them to answer some
trivia questions. The questions were seemingly simple and were usually
aboutpolitics,publicfigures,orAmericanhistory,suchas:“Whoisthe
VicePresidentoftheUnitedStates?”and“Howmanystatesarethere?”

One of the things that made Jaywalking “funny” was that many people
gaveincorrectanswers,orsimplycouldn’tanswerthequestions.Itmade
us wonder what the world is coming to these days, and gee aren’t these
peopleclueless.

No doubt many of the Jaywalking people didn’t know the answers and
wouldn’thavebeenabletocomeupwithanyeveniftheyhadsometime
to think about it. But psychological research suggests there may be an
additional factor at work: The social situation of the interview. The
interviewees were put on the spot. They had no time to collect their
thoughts, and there was a microphone and camera in their face. To the
extentthissituationwasanxiety-provoking(whichIargueitwas,atleast
for some people), part of their brainpower went toward managing the
anxiety,whichinterferedwiththeirabilitytoanswerquestionsthatthey
otherwise might have answered correctly.As a general rule, high levels
ofanxietyaredetrimentaltotaskperformance(Yerkes&Dodson,1908).

But there’s more. The nature of the interviews may also have had an
effect on viewers’ perceptions of how easy the questions are. Why?
Because viewers were given the answers shortly after the interviewees
botched the questions. Looking back in hindsight after having been told
theanswers,viewersmaywellhaveperceivedthequestionstobeeasier
thantheywere.

Andthenthere’sJay,whowasprivytoalltheanswers.Insituationslike
Jaywalkingorgameshows,theinterviewerorhostisusuallyperceivedto

besmarterthantheinterviewee,evenwhenit’sclearthattheinterviewer
has been given the answers ahead of time (Ross,Amabile, & Steimetz,
1977). The contrast between a smart-sounding interviewer and
interviewees who missed a question or two (or more) may have caused
viewerstobelievetheintervieweeswerelessintelligentthantheyreally
are.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Thenexttimesomeoneputsyouonthespot,consideraskingforalittle
timetocollectyourthoughtsandcalmdownifyoufeelstressed.Thereis
oneexception,however.Ifyouareexpertatthematerial,stressprobably
won’t have a major effect on your performance. For example, a history
professor who is asked to answer questions about history while under
considerablestresswouldlikelyperformjustaswell(orevenbetter)than
heorshenormallywould.Butfortherestofus“AverageJoes,”ahigh-
anxiety situation that puts us on the spot is likely to lead to poor
performance.Buthere’salittlegoodnews:perhapsjustknowingthatitis
normaltofeelanxietyinsuchsituationscanhelpyoucopewithit.

CHAPTER8:WEUSEADOUBLESTANDARDWHENWEJUDGE

OURSELVESRELATIVETOOTHERS.

“Knowthyself.”That’seasytosay,anditsoundssosimple.Andwhileit
istruethatwemakeattributionsaboutourownbehavioreveryday,most
of the time it happens automatically without us giving much thought.
Example: “I’m making a special breakfast for everyone this morning
becauseIlovedoingthingsthatmakemylovedoneshappy.”Youdon’t
needtoverbalizeitorgiveitanythought,really.It’sagiven.

But things get interesting when we try to explain something unusual or
negative about ourselves. Under this condition, our default reasoning
kicks in, which is to attribute our own behavior to external factors (“I
didn’t mail the wedding invitations because my boss made me stay late
again.”).Anotherwaytosayitisthatwemakeexcusesforourselves.We
giveourselvesabreak.

However,asageneralrule,wedon’tgiveothersabreak.Whenwejudge
someone else’s actions, as a general rule we attribute their behavior to
internal factors (“But you drive right past the post office on the way
home.Youdidn’tmailtheinvitationsbecausedeepdownyou’rehaving
secondthoughtsaboutthemarriage,aren’tyou?”).Psychologistscallthis
theactor-observereffect(Asch,1946;Jones&Nisbett,1972).

A similar thing happens when we make judgments about our abilities
relative to others.All other things being equal, we rate our ability on a
giventaskasaboveaverage,butwerateotherpeople’sabilityatthesame
task at or below average (Suls, Lemosk, & Stewart, 2002; Kruganski &
Mayselers,1990).

Example: Back in my days as a psychology professor, most of my
research involved assessing people’s reactions to child witnesses. In
manyofthestudies,Iaskedtheparticipants(a)howtheywoulddescribe
theirownabilitytojudgethecredibilityofachildwitness,and(b)how
they would describe other people’s ability to judge the credibility of a
childwitness.

Consistently, the participants rated their own ability to be better than
average, but rated other people’s ability at or below average. The funny
partisthat,statisticallyspeaking,everyonecan’tbeaboveaverage.Once
again, our brains are looking out for our psychological well-being, and
perceivingourselvestobe“betterthanaverage”isabitofanegoboost,
don’tyouthink?

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Knowingthatweseeourselvesdifferentlythanothersseeus,andthatthis
is normal, may be of comfort to you if you’re one of those people who
feel chronically “misunderstood.” Why not capitalize on others’
impressions of you? If you are prepared for the truth, consider asking
your trusted friends how you come across to others. I’m not suggesting
that you automatically adopt their viewpoint, because they have biases,
too.Butyoucanstillputtheirfeedbacktogooduse.Ifyouarewillingto
seek feedback and spend some time mulling it over, you may end up
understandingyourselfalittlebetter.

CHAPTER9.AIRLINETRAVELBRINGSOUTWEIRD,AND

OFTENDOWNRIGHTRUDE,BEHAVIOR.

Ifyou’reafrequentflierlikeme,you’veprobablyseensomeofthemost
remarkable human behavior ever – that of passengers on and around a
commercialaircraft.Itseemsthatotherwisewell-manneredpeoplecanat
least temporarily turn into complete asses with little or no regard for
others. I personally have witnessed countless acts of rudeness,
including...

BOARDING INTERFERENCE: Passengers in the boarding area form
themselves into a human shield or “clot,” in front of the boarding line.
This prevents other non-clot passengers from boarding when their rows
arecalled.

HEADREST GRASP: Passenger manhandles and/or clings to the
headrests while walking down the aisle, including the headrests of
occupiedseats.

UNWANTED TOUCHING: While boarding, passenger brushes or
touchesaisleseatpassengerswithacarry-on,orworse,abodypart.

SPILLOVER: Passenger seated next to you literally “spills over” into
yourdesignatedarea.

ARMREST THEFT: A special case of Spillover. Passenger claims the
armrestandwon’tshare.

WILD RECLINE: Passenger in front of you reclines in one fell swoop,
riskingthewell-beingofyouandyourlaptopcomputer.(I’veheardthat
countlesslaptopshavebeenbrokeninthisfashion.Somethinghasgotto
be done about this, but that discussion goes beyond the scope of this
book.)

AMNESIA: Passenger suddenly “forgets” that he or she needs to stay
seatedduringtaxi,turbulence,orbeverageservice.

GRANDSTANDING: Passenger on a business call speaks in the loudest
voicepossible,inanapparentattempttosoundimportant.(Isuspectthat

around85%ofthetime,thegrandstanderisnotthatimportant.)

MISCELLANEOUS: Passenger belches, sneezes, or coughs without
coveringthemouth;takesoffshoesduringtheflight;picksnose;paints
fingernails;etc.

Ofcourse,somepeoplearejustplainrudewherevertheygo,andI’msure
thisaccountsforalotofthebehaviorsI’vedescribed.Thatsaid,Isuspect
that another factor contributes to the problem as well, leading some
otherwise nice passengers to do annoying things: the de- individuation
that occurs when an individual becomes part of a crowd (Festinger,
Pepitone,&Newcomb,1952).Asageneralrule,wefeellessidentifiable
andlessresponsibleforourindividualactionswheninthepresenceofa
large number of people. We temporarily lose our sense of individuality
andpsychologicallybecome“partofthecrowd.”

Granted,theboardingareaandinteriorofanaircraftarenotthesameas
being in a crowd of people on the street. But there is one important
similarity.Inbothsituations,people,sometimeshundreds,arecrammed
intoasmallspace–justthetypeofsituationthatcanfosterfeelingsof
anonymityandreducedresponsibilityforone’sbehavior.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Thereisastrategyfordealingwithrudepassengersotherthanignoringit
(always a viable option) or doing the loud sigh + glare (which, in my
experience, rarely works). The strategy is to individualize the problem
passenger,tosnaphimorherbacktothewonderfulworldofmanners.

One of my colleagues has used this strategy with success. On one
occasion,apassengersittingdirectlybehindhimgraspedandclungtohis
headrest (much like a koala clinging to a eucalyptus tree), using it as
leverage to stand up and move into the aisle. In doing so, the grasper
caughtandpulledabitofmycolleague’shair,whichwasthelaststraw.
He addressed the grasper firmly and directly, stressing that his actions
were unacceptable. The grasper, who turned out to be intoxicated,
immediatelyapologized.

For me, a timid individualizing approach (faked, of course) works well.
Perhapsasoft“Excuseme.MynameisSuzanneandIdon’twanttobea
complainer,butIthinkyoumightbekickingthebackofmyseat.”

Important:I’mnotsuggestingthatyouconfrontproblempassengers.You
never know about people. If you’re comfortable, you might try a soft
approach. But for heaven’s sake, ignore it, or leave it to the flight
attendants if you have any qualms about addressing someone. (I’d still
avoidthesigh+glaretechnique,though.Itwon’tgetyouanywhere.)

CHAPTER10.OURBRAINS“TURNOFF”OURBEHAVIOR

WHENWEDREAM.

WhenIfirstbeganstudyingpsychology,Iwassurprisedtolearnthatthe
reason we need sleep is not well-understood. I also remember trying to
explain this to my friends and family. It typically went something like
this:

Me:“Didyouknowthatresearchersstilldon’tknowthereasonweneed
sleep?”

Uncle Ned: “What the hell are they teaching you up there at that
university?They’vegotyoubelievingthere’snoreasonforsleep?”

Me:“Therearedifferenttheoriesaboutwhywesleep,buttheexactcause
hasneverbeenconfirmed.”

UncleNed:“Well,IknowwhyIsleep.I’mtired,Isleep,andthenIfeel
better!”

Me:“That’swhatitseemslike,butsleepismorecomplicatedthanthat.”

UncleNed:“Soareyougoingtostartpullingall-nightersnowsinceyou
don’tneedtosleepanymore?Goodluckwiththat.”

Here’sthethingaboutsleep:Weneedrest,andit’struethatourbodies
rest while we’re asleep. But that doesn’t mean we sleep because our
bodiesrequireittorest.Wecouldgetalltherestweneedwithoutbeing
asleep.”

Butwhataboutthebrain?Althoughthere’sevidenceofbrainrestoration
duringsleep,thebrainremainsactive.Justthinkaboutthebrainpowerit
musttaketoproducedreams.DuringREM(rapideyemovement)sleep,
which is the stage in which we dream the most, we may look restful on
the outside, but what’s going on behind the scenes is far from restful
(Aserinsky&Kleitman,1953).BrainwavesduringREMsleepresemble
thoseofwakefulness.

Part of the brain’s job in managing our dreams is to keep us safe, so

during REM sleep, the brain shuts off neurons in our spinal cord
(National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, n.d.). This
renders us unable to move our muscles, which prevents us from acting
out our dreams. In effect, the brain “switches off” our behavior. Some
peoplereportexperiencesofcomingoutofadreamandforafewseconds
feeling “paralyzed.” That’s known as sleep paralysis, and is the brain’s
wayofprotectingusfromharmingourselvesorotherswhilewedream.

But don’t some people sleepwalk and talk in their sleep?Yes. We do a
smallpercentageofdreaminginother(nonREM)stagesofsleep–stages
thataren’tabletoproducesleepparalysis.Thosewhosleepwalkortalkin
their sleep are dreaming outside of REM sleep. It’s like a glitch in the
brain’sotherwisebrilliantmechanismforkeepingussafeduringsleep.

WHATGOODISKNOWINGTHIS?

Well, this one is just plain fascinating. Isn’t that enough? In all
seriousness, you can wow your family and friends with your knowledge
aboutsleepanditsrelationtobehavior.Do,however,trytodobetterthan
IdidwithUncleNed.

###

AFTERWORD

Thank you for readingTen Interesting Things About Human Behavior
(3rdedition).Humanbehavioriscomplex,andofcoursethereissomuch
moretopsychologythanthe10pointsIchosetoaddressinthise-book.I
welcomefeedbackandquestionsthatyoumayhaveaboutcognitionand
behavior,intheeventIwriteTenMOREInterestingThingsAboutHuman
Behavior(althoughtheideaofthis“horrified”onereviewer).Diagnosing
and treating psychological disorders are not my specialties, so please
keep that in mind while asking questions. I can, however, address
questionsalongtheselines:

“How come every time I’m thinking about Uncle Ned, the phone rings
andit’shim?”

“WhydoIforgetpeople’snamesjustsecondsaftermeetingthem?

“WhydoIpersistintryingtopushadooropenwhenthesignclearlysays
pull?”

“What motivates people to post book reviews that include name-calling
andpersonalattacksontheauthor?

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

Suzanne L. Davis received her PhD in Social Psychology at The
University of Illinois at Chicago. She is a consultant and author who
studies the most fascinating creatures on the planet: human beings.
Suzanne writes about how people think and behave in everyday life,
because sometimes there is brilliance in the ordinary. Connect with
Suzanne

on

Facebook

,

Twitter

,

and

LinkedIn

, or by email at

[e-mail].

REFERENCES

Adelson, R. (2004). Detecting deception. Monitor on Psychology, 35(7),
70. Aronson, E. (1969). The theory of cognitive dissonance: A current
perspective.InL.

Berkowitz Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, 4, 1-34.
NewYork:AcademicPress.

Asch, S. E. (1946). Forming impressions of personality. Journal of
AbnormalandSocialPsychology,41,1230-1240.

Aserinsky,E.,&Kleitman,N.(1953).Regularlyoccurringperiodsofeye
motilityandconcomitantphenomena.Science,188(3062)273-274.

Bandura,A.(1977).Sociallearningtheory.NY:GeneralLearningPress.

Bandura,A.,Ross,D.,&Ross,S.A.(1961).Transmissionofaggression
through imitation of Baron, R.A., Byrne, D., & Johnson, B. T. (1998).
Exploringsocialpsychology(4thed.).Boston,MA:Allyn&Bacon.

The Blackwell Encyclopedia of Social Psychology. Inconsistency.
Retrieved

from

Blackwell

Reference

Online:

http://www.blackwellreference.com/public/tocnode?
id=g9780631202899_chunk_g978063120289911_ss1-7.

Davis, S. L., & Sobus, M. (2004). Strategic jury selection: Limiting
mistakes in a difficult process. For The Defense: The Magazine for
Defense,Insurance,andCorporateCounsel,46(6).

Eagly, A. H., & Chaiken, S. (1993). The psychology of attitudes. Fort
Worth,TX:HarcourtBraceJovanovich.

Ekman,P.(2009).Tellinglies.W.W.Norton&Company:NewYork.

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford, CA:
Stanford University Press. Festinger, L., Pepitone, A., & Newcomb, T.
(1952). Some consequences of de- individuation in a group. Journal of
AbnormalandSocialPsychology,47,382-389.

Guimond, S. (2005). Social comparison and social psychology. New
York:CambridgeUniversityPress.

Harnon-Jones,E.,&Mills,J.(1999).Cognitivedissonance:Progressona
pivotal theory in Social Psychology. Washington, DC: American
PsychologicalAssociation.

Jones, E. E. & Nisbett, R. E. (1972). The actor and the observer:
Divergent perceptions of the causes of behavior. In E. E. Jones, D.
Kanouse, H. H. Kelly, R. E. Nisbett, S. Valins, & B. Weiner (Eds.),
Attribution:PerceivingtheCausesofBehavior(pp.79-94),Morristown,
NJ:GeneralLearningPress.

National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke. Dreaming and
REM sleep. Retrieved from the National Institute of Neurological
Disorders

and

Stroke

website:

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/brain_basics/understanding_sleep.htm#dreaming.

Kruganski, A. J. & Mayselers, O. (1990). Classic and current social
comparisonresearch:Expandingtheperspective,PsychologicalBulletin,
108,208.

Ross,L.D.,Amabile,T.M.&Steinmetz,J.L.(1977).Socialroles,social
control,andbiasesinsocial-perceptualprocesses.JournalofPersonality
andSocialPsychology,35,485-494.

Shermer, M. (1997). Why people believe weird things: Pseudoscience,
superstition,andotherconfusionsofourtime.NewYork:W.H.Freeman
andCompany.

Skinner,B.F.(1976)Aboutbehaviorism.NewYork:VintageBooks.

Suls,J.,Lemosk,K.,&Stewart,H.L.(2002).Self-esteem,construal,and
comparisonswiththeself,friends,andpeers.JournalofPersonalityand
SocialPsychology,82(2),252-261.

Yerkes, R. M. & Dodson, J. D. (1908). The relation of strength of
stimulus to rapidity of habit- formation. Journal of Comparative
NeurologyandPsychology.

ALSOBYSUZANNEL.DAVIS

MEORWHATEVER

Gen-Xer barely survives the 90s. A work of psychological fiction that
leansexperimental,eachchapterofMeorWhateverisarawstream-of-
consciousness telling of an event in the life of Faith Thomas, a young
womanin1990sChicago,asshetransitions(quitereluctantly)froma90s
grunge kid to a young professional heading straight toward Y2K. As in
life, some events are significant, and some are mundane and, at first
glance, boring. But that's life. Sometimes there is brilliance in the
ordinary.Andsometimesyoudon'tneedatraditionalnarrativetogetto
knowaperson.Youjustneedtogetinsideaperson'shead.

FREESAMPLECHAPTER

Chapter3-June1993-CaféVoltaire

LincolnAvenue in the spring is brilliant. The late afternoon weather is
sunnyandbright,withjustaslightbreezeintheair.I’mincomfyjeans
with an easy boot cut, two layered black tank tops with a short black
beadednecklace,andcheapblackflipflops.Iamappropriatelycasualfor
aneveningoutwithmyfriendsJenandAndrea.

AsIapproachCaféVoltaire,ourchosenbeginning-of-the-eveningvenue,
I spot Jen loitering outside. I’ve known Jen Vernon since high school.
She’s a 5’3” pixie with short black hair, dark eyes, and cat-eye glasses.
Sheiscuteandhasthemostamazingpointychinwhichisaccentuatedby
hershorthair.Herbestfeatureishercomplexion,whichispearlywhite
incontrasttoherdarkhair.Todayshelooksniceinashortblackt-shirt
dressandchunkyblacksandals.

Wegreeteachotherwithahugandairkisses,andshestartsinamilea
minute, in typical Jen fashion. “My cash card is not working! I went to
twocashstationsandneitherofthemwouldreadmycard.IknowIhave
enoughmoneyinthere,too!Doyouhavecashforthecover?”

“Yeah,don’tworryaboutit,I’vegotsome.”

“Oh, thanks, Faith!” She lifts her glasses up, looking at me, and sniffs.
“Whatisthatyou’rewearing?Yousmellgood.”

“Joy,”Isay.“Myfavorite–it’smadeoutofrosepetals.”

ShetakesinalongwhiffoftheJoy.“Smellsexpensive,ladedah,”she
teases,thenwavestosomeonebehindme.“Andrea’shere,”shesaysina
sing-songvoice.

“Hi,guys!”Andreacallsovermyshoulder.AndreaMorseisayearolder
than Jen and me and a little rough around the edges, with plenty of
attitude. We all met at Whole Foods, back when Andrea still worked
there. Now Andrea works for some bank in the Loop. Sometimes I
wonderifshethinksshe’sgettingtoogoodtohangoutwithusclerks.

Andrea is stunning. Her eyes are her best feature – dark hazel and very

large. Her dark blonde hair is thick and shiny and falls right below her
shoulders.Tonightshehasitinalooseponytail.Sheisshorterthanme
buttallerthanJen.SheiscasuallydressedjustlikeJenandme,injeans,a
white tee, black belt, black jacket, and black flats. We all match
perfectly.

Wegoinsideandwalkthroughtherestaurant,tothedoorleadingdownto
the basement theater.A guy with a nose ring and big black glasses who
looks totally bored sits at a little table by the door to collect covers.
Behindhim,agreencurtainisdrapedinfrontofthebasementdoor.

“Roll it,” the guy tellsAndrea with plenty of attitude. She picks up the
dieandtossesitontothetable.Afour.“Fourbucks,please,”hesays.She
forks over four dollars and walks through the green curtain with a loud
sighandasarcastic“thanks.”That’smyAndrea.“Rollit,”hetellsme.I
rollathree.“Threebucks,please.”

“No,”Itellhim,pointingatJen.“We’retogether.”“Wellroll,then!”he
says,eyeballingJen.Sherollsaone.IgivetheguyfourdollarsandJen
andIwalkthroughthegreencurtainanddownthestairs.

I’m not a big fan of basements, and I try to think of it as just another
room.

“Wow, we’re early,” Jen says behind me. “There is hardly anyone here
yet.”

Thebasementisnothingfancy.It’sclammybutnothot,anditisvoidof
anydecoration.Thereisasmallstagepaintedblackwithanoldupright
piano,afour-leggedstool,andamicrophoneonastand.Intheaudience
areathereareabunchoffoldingchairsscatteredaroundwithsomesmall
drinktables.

We catch up toAndrea, who is scoping out seats. “I want to sit in the
middle,notupfront,”Idemand.

“Oh,comeon,”Andreamoans.“It’sbetterupfront.”

“No,no,no,”Isay.“We’retoovulnerableupfront.Someonecouldpull

usintotheact,andIwillnotsubjectmyselftothat.”Ihaveseenpeople
pulleduponstageandhumiliatedinthemiddleofashow.

“What? Oh, come on,”Andrea pleads. “They don’t pull anyone into the
act.It’sonepersonreadingapoem,notanact,andsothere’snotanactto
pull anyone into!” She puts one hand on a hip and looks defiant. She’s
sortofright.

“I want to blend in nicely,” I say meekly, trying to sound a little less
demanding.

“Oh,ok,”Andrearelents.Wepullthreechairsandadrinktabletogether
near the middle of the audience area.Actually, it’s a little more toward
thefrontthanIwouldlike,butIdon’tsayanything.

“Hey,I’mgoingupstairsforadrink,”Isay.“Youguyswantsomething?”

“Killians,”Andreasays.“Weiss,please,”Jensays.

Ireturnwiththedrinks–aWeissformyselfalso–andsettleinwithJen
andAndrea,whomIsuspecthavemovedourchairsslightlyclosertothe
stage. By now, more people have arrived. Grunge kids, some young
married couples, what appears to be a bunch of graduate students, and
some unclassifiable Birkenstocks. A little grunge kid walks around
looking for someone, and then finds his friends on the other side of the
room.

AtallskinnyguywithtornjeansandBuddyHollyglassesjumpsonthe
stage and assembles a microphone on a stand. He checks it and
determinesittobeworkingproperly,andafteraloudahemhestartsin.

“Goodevening,performersandfollowers,”hesayssarcastically,rolling
his eyes at the word “performers.” “Is this anyone’s first time at Café
Voltaire’sperformancenight?”

Acouplepeopleraisetheirhandsandsomeoneyells“Yeah!”

“Ok,”theEmceesays,andthenhewalksoffstage,whichproducessome
mildlaughter.Hecomesbackrightaway,beerinhand,andquicklygoes

throughthegroundrules.“Here’sthedrill,guys.Youslambystomping
yourfeet.Noswearing,nohurtfulinsults.Whatisconsideredhurtfulisat
management’sdiscretion.Thatwouldbeme.Andnothrowinganything.
If you want to perform and you have not signed up, see me during the
first intermission and give me your name and the title of your
performance. I think that’s it, so without wasting any more time, let’s
welcomeourfirstvictim.Let’shaveahandforGreg,everybody!”

The guy named Greg runs onstage and announces that his reading is
somethingabouttheGulfWar,soItuneout.

SodoJenandAndrea.“Let’sgetThaiafterthis,”Jensaysquietly.“That
placeonClarkisopenuntileleven.”

“That’s good with me, but do you mean the noodle place or the Thai
place?”Andreaasks.

“The Thai place under the EL on Clark,” Jen says impatiently. “You
know,theonethatdoestheSundaybrunch.”

“That’snotonClark,it’sonLincoln.Isn’tit,Faith?”Andreaasks.

“Yeah, it’s on Lincoln,” I say, but I really don’t know. “I’m not that
hungry,butI’llgo.Idon’twanttogotoabar.”

“God,thisguysucks,”Jenmoans,rubbinghertemples.

“Theslammingisstarting,”Isay,drawingourattentionbacktothestage.
A couple people in the front row have opened up newspapers and are
pretendingtoread,andapreppieguyisstartingtostomphisfeetinthe
back.

But Gulf War Greg manages to get through his poem without getting
slammed enough to be escorted offstage, and the next performer is up.
She’s a Wynona Ryder type girl. She walks onstage with a yellow
notepad.“Hi,I’mJane.MypoemiscalledMagicWomenandIwroteit
yesterday,” she says through a giggle. A few people clap. She begins:
“Womenarenotobjects.No,theyarebeautifulminds.Witheyesandhair
thatinspire.Artists’handsworkmagic?Andtheirmediums,vast?Their

magic, original maybe? Homage, maybe?All beautiful.All meaningful.
Allstolenfromnature.Amen.”

The Amen gets a laugh from the crowd, then applause. Jane blushes,
smiles,andbowsappreciativelyattheaudience.

“Well,theAmenpartwasgood,anyway,”Isaytonooneinparticular.

Andrealaughssarcastically.“Sostupid.”

The Emcee returns. “Thank you, Jane, very spiritual,” he says,
enunciatingeachsyllablesoitsoundslike“spear-it-choo-all.”

“Oh my God,” Jen moans, rolling her eyes and giggling. “That is
ridiculous.”

“Ithoughtitwasok,”Andreasays.

“Shewillnevergetaboyfriend,”Jensays,stilllaughing.

“Jen! Oh my God, you weirdo!” Andrea wails, but she can’t help but
laugh,too.Theyaretipsyalready.

“What?”Jensays,raisingherhandsupinthewhat?gesture.“Theysaid
soonDonohue!”

“Shut up!”Andrea fires back. “Drink some more,” she says, resting her
headonthebackofherchairinexasperation.

“Shush, both of you,” I say, pointing to the Emcee, who is quieting the
crowdagain.

“Ok,”saystheEmcee.“Michael.You’reup!”Hepointstowardthegroup
of grunge kids in the corner, and the little grunge kid I noticed earlier
slinks up to the mike. The crowd cheers and one of his grunge friends
yells “Yeah, Michael, whooo!” There is some stifled clapping and the
crowddiesdown.

InoticethatmyWeissisalmostempty.

Andrealeansin,attemptingtowhisper.“Oh,look,Faith,CurtCobainis

goingtospeak!”WegiggletogetherandItellhertoshush.

“Hi,”Michaelsaysflatlyintothemicrophone.“Ihavea,uh,poem...”

“Duh!”criessomeguyfromtheaudience,andeveryonelaughs.

Unfazed,Michaelremovesanotepadfromhispocketandbegins.

“Packyourammoandinviteyourmates...”Helooksupfromhisnotepad
and his eyes dart around the audience, and then to his group of friends.
Oneofthefriendsmouths“Goon,goon.”

“...wedon’tmindfailure...”

Theaudienceisquiet,listeninginearnest.Somegirlsclosetothestage
are nodding their heads, serious expressions on their faces, absorbing
everyword.

“...andwedigfantasy...”Heclearshisthroatagain.“Uh,hithere,hi,hi,
hi...”

Thislittletwerp.Clearlythisare-writeofthatNirvanasong,SmellsLike
TeenSpirit.Itisn’tapoem,norisitoriginal.Acouplepeoplesittingin
frontofuslookaroundawkwardly,andaliberalguytomyrightputshis
handtohisforeheadandshakeshishead.

“Boo!Sitdown!”someoneyellsfromthecrowd.

People start stomping their feet. The stomping gathers steam and I join
alongwithAndreaandJen.

ButtheMichaelkidgoeson.“Hi,hi,hi,greetings...”

“Youidiot!Boo!”someonescreams.

“Sit down and come back with something original, you moron!” shouts
anotherguy.

Obviously,thisissomesortofstunt,andnobodyappreciatesit.Someone
throws a shoe and Michael runs offstage, shielding himself, and
disappearsintohisgroupoffriends.

IleantowardAndreaandinmockaweIwhisper,“Wow,youwereright.
CurtCobaindidspeakheretonight.”

“Thatisn’tright,”Jenlaments,shakingherhead.

The Emcee reappears. “Thank you, nicely done,” he says sarcastically,
and avoiding any mention of the shoe throwing. “You can pay an extra
cover for that, thank you. Head right upstairs and roll the dice, slinky.”
Hegoesontoannouncethenextperformer,butIcan’ttakeitanylonger.
Ineedanotherdrink.

Upstairs,thecaféhasreallyfilledup.Isqueezebetweenpeopletostepup
tothebar.

IorderashotofPatronatthebar.DoIwantlime?Yes.

Nowtotheladies’room,butmyfootdoesn’tmoverightandIstumble.
SomeidiotsteppedonthebackofmyflipflopwhileIwasinmid-flip.

“Shit!”Imutter.Onelook,andIseethatmyflipflopistoast.Thething
thatgoesbetweenthetoesiscompletelybrokenofffromtherestofthe
shoe.

“Oh,sorry,”avoicebehindmesays.

Itistheshoe-breakingidiot.

Iturnaroundtosaysomethingmean,butIcan’tdoitonceIgetalookat
him. He’s tall and lanky, with longish wavy brown hair and a slightly
goofy, yet intelligent, appearance. And his blue eyes twinkle in a nice
way. Green t-shirt, tan straight-cut cords, and black Doc Martins.
Standard.

He smiles apologetically, and the eyes twinkle some more. “I broke it,
didn’tI?Here,letmefixit.”

“Uh,doyouthinkyoucan?”Iwavethetwopiecesoftheflipflopinfront
ofhim.“Looksabithopeless.”

“Well,Icantry,ifyou’llletme.”

“Ok,giveityourbestshot,”Isay,handinghimthepieces.“I’mgoingto
theladies’roomwhileyoureassembleit.”

“Yes, I’ll...reassemble it.” In a monotone voice, he adds, “I have the
technology.Icanrebuildhim.”

Ican’thelpbutsmileasIwalkaway.

Hecallsafterme,raisinghisvoiceconsiderablyagainstthechaosofthe
bar.“You’regoingtotheladies’roomwithjustoneshoe.Isn’tthatkind
ofweird?”

“Probably.I’llbeback.”

Idoaquickhaircheckintheladies’roomandmakesureIlookdecent.I
freshenmylipstick–MAC’sbrilliantcolorcalledCaptive.

Backatthebar,Iamsurprisedtoseemyflipflopinonepiece.

“Hereyouare,ma’am,”hesaysformallywithaslightbow.“Seehere?”
Hepointstothelittlestrapthatgoesbetweenthetoes.“Ijustpoppedthe
strapbackintothebottomoftheshoe.Voila!ButIwouldn’tgoforarun
onthewayhomeoranything.”

“Wow, thanks. I really didn’t want to go back down into the basement
withonlyoneshoe.It’skindofgrossdownthere.”

Helooksplayful.“Nowletmegetthisstraight.Itisoktobebarefootin
theladies’room,butitisgrosstobebarefootinthebasement?”

“Yes,exactly.”IsmilebrightlybecauseIdon’tknowwhatelsetosayto
that.

“Hmm.Ok,welllet’sgetSteveAustinbackwherehebelongs,shallwe?”
He gets down on one knee, takes holds of my ankle, and slips Steve
Austinonmyfoot.

“Thanks,”Isay,lookingaroundtoseeifanyoneisnoticing.Nobodyis.

Hereachesupward.“Helpmeup?”Itakehishandandpullhimup,even
thoughI’msurehedidn’tneedhelp.

“Step outside with me for a minute.” He says this as a statement, not a
question.

Wegooutside,andheleansagainstthesideofthebuilding,abrickwall
coveredthickwithpostersforlocaleventsandall-agesshows.

“Myname’sEvan,bytheway.”“Faith,”Isay,extendingmyhand.

But he doesn’t shake my hand. He takes it in both of his and kisses my
knuckleslightly.Idon’tbreakcharacter.Ilookrightintohiseyes-notat
our hands or the kiss. No blushing, no nervousness, no fear, no
exhilaration.Justalook.Ithinkthisispassion,butI’mnotsure.

Heslowlyreturnsmyhandtomyside.

“Cigarette?”heoffers,takingapackoutofhispocket.“They’reclove.”

“Sure.” I don’t know why I agree to this. I don’t smoke. But I take a
cigaretteanditisactuallyprettygood.“It’ssweet,almost,”Isay,more
tomyselfthantohim.

“Ilikethem,”heagrees.“Lookslikeyoudo,too.”

“Yes,”Isaywithaslightraiseofmychin.“IthinkIdo.Youshouldn’t
smoke,though.”

“Neither should you. Nor should anyone.” He exhales some smoke and
staresintotheair.

“Youknow,”hecontinues,“theNativeAmericanssmokedtobaccotoget
closertonature.Whatdoyouthinkofthat?”

“WhatIthinkisthatitcausescancer.”

“Notalways.”

“Moreoftenthannot.”

“That’snotright,actually.Mostheavysmokersdon’tgetlungcancer,but
mostcasesoflungcancerarecausedbysmoking.Youdothemath.”

Hesmileshandsomely.

“Youeverbeencaught?”hesayssuddenly,lookingatmesideways.

“Caught?Whatdoyoumean,caught?”

“Youknow,”hesays,staringoutintothestreet,“caughtcaught.”

“Um...”Idon’tknowifhemeanswhatIthinkhemeans.“No,”Iadd
quietly.

Hesaysnothingelseandwefinishthecigarettesinsilence.

“I’mgoingtogiveyoumyinformation,Faith,”hetellsme.“Maybeyou
willcallmeforanotherclovesometime.”Hewritesonapieceofpaper
fromhispocketandhandsitover.

Moredeliberateeyecontactonmypart.“Areyouaskingmeforadate?”

Hesmiles.“I’maskingyoutocallme.Canyoucopewiththat?”

Ismileback.“Yeah.Andhey,thanksforfixingmyflipflop.”

“Now,backinsidewithyou,”hesays,takingmyhand.Heleadsmeback
intothecafé,directlytothedoorwiththegreencurtain.

“Have a wonderful evening, my lady Faith.” His eyes twinkle a little
more,andheleaves.Iwalkdownstairstothebasement,justintimefor
theEmceetoannouncethefirstintermissionoftheevening.

Jen spots me immediately. “Hey, where have you been? You missed
somebodygettingtotallyslammed!”“MyflipflopbrokeandIhadtoget
itfixed,”Iexplain.

Andreaeyesmeinhorror.“Yousmelllikesmoke!Wereyousmoking?I
didn’tknowyousmoked!”

“Itwasjustone,don’tworry.”IwanttogetoffthissubjectandIreally
don’twanttobelecturedallnightaboutsmoking.

“Yuck,” Andrea hisses, wrinkling her nose. “I’m going to get another
drinkwhileyouairout.Jen,areyoucoming?”

“No,I’mallright,yougoahead.IwanttotalktoFaith.”

AndrealeavesandJenpounces.“OhmyGod,Faith,theEmceesaysIcan
present something during the next round of readings. Do you think I
should?AndreasaysIshouldn’t,butIwantto,exceptIdon’tknowwhat
topresent,butIlostmybrainandItoldhimImightdoit.Whatdoyou
think?”

“But you don’t have anything to perform, do you?” She smiles meekly.
“No,but...maybeifyou...youknow...canwritesomethingforme?Maybe
apoem?”

“Youaresupposedtopresentyourownoriginalwork,Jen.”

“ButIdon’thaaaaaveanoriginalwork!”

“I’llwritesomething,butI’mnotgettingonstageandIwon’tbesingled
out.”

“Oh,thankyou,thankyou,thankyou!”Shegivesmeanenthusiastichug.
“I’mgoingupstairsforaminutetoleavetheartisttoherwork!”

JenskipsawayhappilyandIlookaroundforsomethingtowriteon.Ifind
a discarded Chicago Reader and sit down to write a few lines. I’m just
finishingasAndreacomesback.

“Whatareyoudoing?”shesays.

“WritingsomethingforJen.”

“Writing something? Why? Is she going up stage? She’s not, is she?
Whatifshegetsslammed?Itwillruinourwholeevening.”

“Hey,shecan’tdoanyworsethanCurtCobaindid.”

“What did you write? Let me see it!” Andrea says, trying to grab the
paper.

“No, no, no pre-presentation evaluation!” I pull the newspaper off the
tableandintomylap.“Handsoff,mama.”

Jen pops back to the table with a beer, and I wonder where she got the
cashforit.“Watchmybeer–I’mgoingtotelltheEmceeandsignupto

perform.Thisissoexciting!”

“Areyousureit’sagoodideaforhertodothis?”Andreaasksme.

“She’llloveit,youjustwatch.Ihopethepoemisn’ttooshort,though.”

“There’snolengthrequirement,isthere?Hey,doyouthinkit’sthepoem
orthepersonthatgetsslammed?”

“Huh?”

“When people slam a poem” Andrea says impatiently, “are they
slammingthepoembecausetheythinkthepoemsucks,oraretheyreally
slammingtheperformerbecausetheythinktheperformersucks?”

“Whoasksquestionslikethat?Youweirdo!”

“It’salegitimatequestion.Whatdoyouthink?”

“I don’t know, probably both the poem and the performer are slammed
simultaneously.”

“God,”shesighs,re-doingherponytail,“Now,CurtCobaingotslammed,
andIthinkhegotslammedforscammingeveryone.Itwasn’tthewords
themselvesthatgothimslammed.”

Ican’ttakeitanymoreandputmyheaddownonthetable.“No,”Isay.
“He got slammed because he is a moron for reciting pseudo-Nirvana
lyricssomewherelikethis.”

“Right. It is personal, see? He was slammed. Not the poem. That’s my
point.”

“Ireallydon’tknow,Andrea.”

Jencomesbacktothetable,bubbly.“Ok,guys,I’msecondupafterthe
intermission. I’m getting nervous.” “We’re leaving after your
performance,”Andreasays.“I’mhungry.”

“Me,too,”Iagree.

“Worksforme,”Jensays.

Andreastartsinagain.“Hey,Jen,doyouthinkCurtCobainwasslammed
becausepeopledidn’tlikehimorbecausetheydidn’tlikewhatheread?”

Jen stares back, blankly. “What? Curt Cobain? What are you talking
about?”

“Nevermind,”Andreasighs,chucklingatherownjoke.

Jen looks around. “Where is the poem?” she asks. “Right here,” I say,
tearingitoutofthenewspaper.Jentakesit,foldsitinhalf,andclosesher
eyes,Ithinkinanattempttocomposeherself.

“She’s a true artist,” Andrea muses. “But aren’t you going to read it,
Jen?”

“Nope!NotuntilI’mupthere.”

“Uh, Jen,”Andrea says, “I’m sure Faith is flattered and all, but what if
yougetonstageandthatlittlepapersays‘Haha,you’rescrewed’?”

“Itwon’t.”Jensaysconfidently.“Itrusther.”

“Oh,”Isay,puttingmyhandtomyheart.“I’mtouched.”

“Bravewoman,”Andreasays,pattingJenontheshoulder.

Jenscoffs.“It’snotaboutbravery.Who’stosayIwon’tgetupthereand
botchFaith’spoem?Thatcouldhappen.”

“Oh,you’renotgoingtobotchmypoem,”Isay.

“See,youtrustme,too!”Jenhugsmebig.“Oryou’rebrave,inAndrea’s
world.”

“Durrrr,”Andreamocks.

The Emcee walks on stage and gives the five minute warning. People
graduallycomebacktotheirseats,manydrunkerthanwhentheyleft.He
onceagainrecitesthegroundrulesandcallssomeonenamedEricatothe
stage.A skinny, pale girl with straight black hair and bangs, wearing a
white button down shirt and black skirt with black flats walks onstage

withaguitar.

She is pretty, in a natural sort of way. Andrea would say she is “just
mascara”girl.Ihatethattermbecauseitactuallytakesalotofworkto
achieve a “just mascara” look. At the very least, it takes a good
foundation,alightdustingofpowder,plussomeveryneutralcolorover
theeyelids,inadditiontothemascara.Andalittleclearlipgloss.

“Hi, I’m Erica,” she says huskily. Several guys in the audience say hi
back,mockinghervoice,andafewpeoplelaughatthis.

“I’m not singing an original work, and that’s going to be just fine,” she
announces, looking around the room as if she is daring anyone to
complainaboutthis.ShelooksattheEmcee,andheshrugsinapproval.

“But, I am,” she says, emphasizing the am, “going to perform it in an
original way.” She smiles and starts strumming her guitar. Just a few
simplechords.

“Whatissheplaying?”ImouthtoJenandAndrea.

They both shrug. Nobody else in the room seems to recognize the song,
either. She strums a few more chords, looking down at her guitar the
wholetime.

Theroomisquiet.

She begins to sing quietly and slowly, accompanying herself with the
samesimplechords.Thesongisfamiliartome,butIcan’tplaceit.

Jen leans in, and again in a too-loud whisper: “It’s Africa! Remember
thatsong?”

I shush Jen, but she’s right, it isAfrica by the band Toto. Erica sings it
muchslowerthantheoriginalrecording,asifsheisspeakingthewords.
Itislovely,really,andI’mtotallyintoit.

Aguytwotablesinfrontofusstandsup,probablytogetanotherdrinkor
something. He’s respectful about it, and I wouldn’t even notice him
exceptthathe’srightinmylineofsight.

Ericanoticesandstopshersong.

“Hey!”sheyells.“Sitdown!”

Theguyactuallystops,looksather,andsitsbackdown.

ThenEricaaddressestheaudience.“Wouldyouexcusemeforamoment?
I’ll be right back.” She looks around the room with that same look that
daresanyonetocomplain.Theroomissilent.

Shewalksoffthestagewithherguitarstillstrappedon,overtotheguy’s
table. She smiles down at him, picks up his beer bottle, takes two sips
fromit,andthenwalksbackontothestage.

The point is well-taken. Everyone squirms and looks around
uncomfortably.

“Shit,”Andreawhispersadmiringly.

“That had to be staged,” Jen whispers. “She wouldn’t just walk up to a
strangeranddrinkhisbeer!”

“Shush,”Itellthemboth.“She’sstartingagain.”

Ericafinishesthesongandholdsherposeinsilence.Thenshetakesone
stepbackwardsandsmilesandthereisloudapplauseandcheers.

The Emcee returns to the stage, thanking Erica awkwardly for her
“interestingsong.”

“Sheintimidatedeveryoneintonotgettingslammed,”Iwhisperinawe.

“Ok, ok, enough,” the Emcee continues as the applause dies down. Our
next,uh,performer,is...Jen!Let’swelcomeJentothestage!”

“Oh my God!” Jen squeals, jumping up from her seat. She runs to the
stage,smilingthewholeway.

“Ok,I’mnervousandI’mnottheonegoingupthere,”Andreawhispers.

“Relax,she’sgoingtodofine.”

Jenstandsatthemicrophoneboldly.“Hi,everyone!”

Acouplepeoplesayhiback.

“Good Lord, that was lame!” Jen scolds. “Let’s try that again. Hello,
everyone!”

“Hello!”criesmostoftheaudience,oratleasthalfofthem.

“Thank you,” Jen says appreciatively with a big smile. “I’m reading...”
she unfolds the poem, “an untitled work” she says, eyeing me, “by me
andmyfriendFaith.”

Iwouldhavepreferredtoremainnameless,butatleastshedoesn’tpoint
meouttothecrowd.

Jenclearsherthroat.

“Let’sgo!”snapstheEmceefromhiscornerbehindthestage.

“Pipe down, Buddy Holly!” Jen yells. The audience laughs. “Ok,
everybody,”shesays,andclearsherthroat.“Seeyourselfinalineofall
yourbestfriends,eachonereachingback,holdinghands.Iftheweightof
the world is upon you, never break the chain. I choose you, my friend.
Comewithme,takemyhand,andlookbackatthemostbeautifulfaces.
Ourfriends.”

Jen smiles contently as she says the final words of my writing. She is
happyandhasalookofunderstanding,andIknowthatshehasrealized
thefullmeaningofthewords.

Thereisapause,andAndreabeginsapplauding.Othersjoinin,andthere
israucousclappingandwhistling.Jenbows,kissesthenewspaperpage,
andbouncesoffstageandbacktoourtable.

TheEmceeresumescontrolofthemikeandcongratulatesJen.“Nicejob,
Feisty,” he says with an eye roll, over the audience’s rumbling. He
announcesthenextperformer,butwedon’tcareanymore.

“Thanks,guys!”Jensqueals.“Faith,”shesaysgivingmeahug,“thatwas
beautifulandyouwroteitjustforme,didn’tyou?”

“You’rewelcome,sweetie,”Isay.

“Comeon,let’sgetoutofhere,”Andreawhispers.

Wemakeourwayupstairsandpastthebar.IseeEvansittingatthebar
withfriends.Heraisesaneyebrowatme.Ileave.

Andrea drives, and we find a parking spot at the Thai place right away.
There is virtually nobody in the restaurant, so we can talk loudly and
enjoyourselves.WeorderThaiicedteasandcoldvegetarianspringrolls.
We switch to Singha beer and order two large entrees to share. Panang
CurrywithChicken,andLadNawithBeef.Wetalkabouteverythingwe
feelisimportantandorderanotherroundofSinghas.

WedrivetoSmartBarandswitchtomixeddrinks.Wehavenowhadtoo
much to drink and we need to slow down, so we take a walk along
Lincoln Avenue. We go into an incense shop and make fun of the
merchandiseandthefifty-somethinghippiedudebehindthecounter.We
walk by the bars and shops and go in a currency exchange so I can buy
tokensfortheEL.

WewalkpastmorerestaurantsandAndreastopssuddenly,fascinatedby
amenupostedoutsideoneofthem.JenandIcrashintoherfrombehind.

“Hey!”Jenbarks.“Youcan’tjuststoplikethatinfrontofpeople!”

“ButIwantedtolookatthismenuuuu!”Andreachirpsback,stumblinga
little and grabbing onto my arm. “I heard this is a good place, and that
their Putanesca is awesome you guys! Oooh, if I weren’t so full, this
wouldallsoundreallygood,”shesays,givingthemenutheonce-over.

“OhmyGahhhhd!Youguys,youguys,lookatthewinelist!Andlookat
the champagne selections! Oh my God, how embarrassing! This is their
winelist?Howtotallyembarrassing!”

Somepeoplewalkaroundusquickly,tryingtoignoreAndrea’sdrunken
outburst.

“Shush!” I say, but I can’t help myself and I start laughing

uncontrollably.Itisasuckywinelist.

Jenstepsuptolookatthemenu.Shespendsafewsecondstryingtofocus
hereyes,andremovesherglasses,leaninginclose.“Andrea’sright.They
serveWhiteZinfandel,”shesayssolemnly.“That’s...terrible.”

WeburstintolaughterandAndreahaslostitcompletely.Sheisleaning
againstthewallnexttothemenuandtearsstartrollingdownhercheeks,
andIbendoverlaughingandmystomachhurts.Jenisstilllookingatthe
menuandgigglingbutsheisnotattheuncontrollablestagelikeAndrea
and me. Andrea wipes her eyes and slides down the wall into a sitting
position.

Atthispoint,weallknowitistimetocallitanight.Andreapeelsherself
offthegroundwithsomepull-upassistancebyJen.Ijusttrytostandstill
withoutwobbling.

WetrytofindAndrea’scar.Itinvolvesalotofbacktrackingandbythe
timewegettothecarwearetiredandquiet.Andreadrivescarefully,and
twicewegetthecrapscaredoutofusbyflashingpolicelights,butboth
timesitisjustsomecopsputtingtheirlightsonsotheycangetthrough
redlightsbeforeeveryoneelse.

AndreadropsmeoffatmyapartmentandTanglegreetsmewithasweet
meow.Ifixavodkarocks,nolime.Thethoughtoflimerightnowmakes
mefeelqueasy.IfeedandwaterTangle,andhelovesmeforit.

IwanttolistentotheoriginalversionofAfricabyToto,butIdon’town
it.Iwonderifyoucanevenbuyitanymore.IthinkaboutthewholeErica
scenetonight.IwonderifEricaisassertiveineverydaylife,orifitisjust
aperformance.

Afteronemorevodkarocks,nolime,Icrawlintobed.Ican’ttellwhether
IamdreamingorwhetherIamjustthinking.Irunthroughallthenight’s
eventsinmyheadanditisenjoyable.

Now I sit in a small coffee shop that is a low-key place with old wood
floorboards that creak. Everything is soft and quiet. The patrons are

reading and concentrating hard, and the coffee barista is talking quietly
withsomeone.

IholdaguitarandI’monthestage,whichisreallyjustasmallpartof
the floor that has been cleared of a table. I am playing the guitar left-
handed,whichIdon’tunderstandbutIaccept.Istrumtheguitarslowly,
justafewcordshereandthere.It’saperfectsong,Itelleveryone.Ising,
justlikeErica,thesamesong.

I am happy with my performance, and there are no accolades from the
crowd but that’s ok because this isn’t the kind of place for applause. I
knowthateveryonelikeditandithelpedthemtorelaxandenjoylife.I
relax,too,andIfadeaway.

###