Twin Pines Grizzlies 14
Determined Alpha
He is determined to have him, but can he save him?
Self-confident Romeo “Van” Vanderzant has a thing for blonds, so
when he meets his roommate, he is thrilled to find out he is straw-
haired and totally cute. The only problem is Jeffery O'Dwyer is
almost terminally shy.
When Jeffery's parents discovered his orientation, they sent him to
a pray-the-gay-away camp that subjected him to intensive
brainwashing. Jeffery is tormented by what has been done to him
and is terrified to make mistakes that go against “the voice.”
Will Van and the brothers of the Twin Pines Grizzlies be able to
help Jeffery overcome the damage? Or will “the voice” infiltrate
the brotherhood and destroy them all?
Genre: Alternative (M/M or F/F), Paranormal, Shape-shifter
Length: 35,797 words
DETERMINED ALPHA
Twin Pines Grizzlies 14
Anitra Lynn McLeod
EVERLASTING CLASSIC
MANLOVE
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DETERMINED ALPHA
Copyright © 2012 by Anitra Lynn McLeod
E-book ISBN: 978-1-61926-536-3
First E-book Publication: July 2012
Cover design by Les Byerley
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DEDICATION
For the one who refused to be broken.
DETERMINED ALPHA
Twin Pines Grizzlies 14
ANITRA LYNN MCLEOD
Copyright © 2012
Chapter 1
Romeo “Van” Vanderzant was going to seduce his roommate if it
was the last thing he ever did. He’d always had a lust for blonds, and
Jeffery’s straw-colored hair was especially attractive in contrast to his
cornflower-blue eyes. But what really made Van crazy was that splash
of freckles over the bridge of his nose. Innocence fairly oozed from
his every pore. It certainly didn’t hurt matters that he was tall and
athletic despite the fact he apparently didn’t play sports. All Van had
ever seen Jeffery doing was reading. If the term bookworm had been
coined for anyone, it was created to describe Jeffery O’Dwyer.
The problem with Van’s plan was that Jeffery was so shy as to be
almost paralyzed with fear whenever anyone talked to him. They’d
been roommates for a month, but Van didn’t think Jeffery had spoken
over a dozen words to him. Oh, but when he did talk, Jeffery had a
voice that was just pure sex. Low and rumbly, Jeffery’s voice carried
well even though he didn’t raise his level much beyond a murmur.
Van would give just about anything to hear the guy let out a growl of
pleasure.
“And if I know nothing else, I know how to make a guy scream
and cream.” Van gave his reflection a thumbs-up.
“Talking to yourself again?” Flint McIntyre slapped Van’s back as
Determined Alpha
9
he entered the shower stall Van had just exited. “Well, no one will
ever love you as much as you do.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Van watched Flint’s reflection through the
mirror as he slipped off his robe, hung it on the outside of the stall,
and then fiddled with the spigot. Since he was six foot eight, there
wasn’t a lot he could do to make the angle any better. Nice butt. Even
though he had his sights set on Jeffery, Van could still appreciate a
good-looking guy.
“Show’s over,” Flint teased as he closed the plastic curtain.
“Spoilsport.” Van returned to shaving.
“You excited about the away game?” Flint asked, raising his voice
to be heard over the water.
“Hell yeah. We are going to kick some wolf ass.” Van rinsed his
face as he and Flint smack-talked the Lone Pine Wolves. Van slipped
in his contacts then ran his fingers through his coffee-brown hair.
He’d tried colored contacts once but found with his very pale hazel
eyes the colors always looked weirder than what God had given him,
so he just corrected his vision and left the color alone. Besides, his
eyes made him stand out. Now that he was older, he realized that
being different wasn’t always a bad thing.
“Think you’ll get some playing time?” Flint asked.
“Not much, but I’m third string, so any time on the field is a
bonus.” Van had tried out late for the team, which resulted in getting a
lower spot, but he was happy just to be a member of the Twin Pines
Grizzlies. As a cornerback who excelled in a nickelback defense, he
was more of a specialized player anyway. “You’ll see some action,
though.”
“Let’s hope that I’ll see some on and off the field.”
“You could have your pick.” Van had noticed that a lot of the guys
in the locker room were checking Flint out during shower time. Flint
was a linebacker. He was big, strong, and he was good at tackling, but
that wasn’t what made all the guys sneak peeks at him. Given the size
of his hose, it was a wonder that anyone could look away. “Just be
10
Anitra Lynn McLeod
careful that you don’t break the poor bastard you hook up with. I’ve
heard that after one night with you they have to eat while sitting on
the toilet.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Flint asked, laughing.
“You wreck their rectums.”
Flint laughed and tried to splash water over the curtain and onto
Van, but the sinks were too far from the showers.
“You’re just jealous.”
“No way. I like my dick just fine.” And Van truly did. He wasn’t
packing an elephant’s nose down his trousers, but it wasn’t a Vienna
sausage, either. It was big enough to be fun but not big enough to
cause injury.
“I’ve heard that about you,” Flint said. “That you like your own
dick. Didn’t MacAvoy catch you jacking it in the library?”
“I can’t believe that fucker is still spreading that rumor.” Van
splashed on a little cologne. He’d caught Jeffery sniffing him and
closing his eyes kind of happily, so Van wanted to keep that going.
Given how shy Jeffery was, Van would take any advantage he could
get.
“He said you were jacking it while looking at the new librarian.”
“I was not. I scratched my balls. That was all. You know how it
gets when you sweat while wearing briefs.” His nether regions turned
into swampland, and inevitably, one pubic hair managed to get
snagged in the elastic. Well, maybe he’d taken a swipe or two at his
cock while in the library, but that was only because Jeffery worked
there part-time for his work-study money. “I heard you were the one
making googly eyes at the new librarian.”
“Right.” Flint snickered. “Like that man would look twice at me.”
Van wasn’t certain, but it sounded like Flint was a little wistful.
“Dunno. He’s the artsy type. I hear he paints.”
“So?”
“Offer to pose for him. Suggest something Greek.” Van put all of
his personal items back in his dopp kit and zipped it closed. “See if he
Determined Alpha
11
takes the hint.”
“You’re twisted.”
“Yeah.” Van was definitely a little on the warped side, but he was
okay with that. “And I’m also taking your robe.” Van snagged the
blue terrycloth robe off the hook and bolted for the door.
“You son of a bitch! Bring that back here!”
“Naw. It’s time you gave the second floor a show with your big
hose.” Van whistled happily all the way back to his room. Once there,
he opened the door to find Jeffery sitting on the edge of his bed, nose
buried in a book. He looked up, and Van swore his eyes got a little
dreamy as he glanced down his mostly naked body then back to his
face. “Hey, Jeffery. What’s up?”
Rather than answer, he grinned, shrugged, and dove right back
into his book.
Van sighed. Damn, but he really had his work cut out for him. He
entered their room, put Flint’s robe on the outside doorknob, but
before he could get it closed and locked, Flint was there, dripping wet,
and yanking at Van’s towel.
“You want a show?” Flint asked. “I’ll give you a show.”
Van tried throwing his robe at him, but Flint didn’t want that as
much as he wanted to strip Van down.
They struggled with one another, but Flint won out with his sheer
size and strength. Van was a solid two ten, but that was nothing
against Flint’s epic three hundred pounds of bone and muscle. Once
Flint got ahold of Van’s towel, he yanked it off and tried to drag him
out of the room.
“You’re gonna put on a show as I march your ass across the
quad.” Flint had a solid grip on Van’s upper arm.
“Dude, help me out here!” Van was struggling to keep his naked
ass inside his room, but Flint was not letting go anytime soon. No
matter how Van wriggled and squirmed, he wasn’t going to break
loose. Not without help, at any rate.
Jeffery set his book aside, but rather than get up and help, he
12
Anitra Lynn McLeod
seemed fascinated by watching him and Flint struggle with one
another. The fact that they were both naked at this point must be what
was distracting him so completely. And Van knew when Jeffery got a
gander at Flint’s hose, because his eyes went wide, his jaw dropped,
and he clearly tightened up his buns because he lifted a good inch off
the surface of his bed. That was the general reaction when most guys
saw the hunk of meat Flint was packing.
“Okay, guys, break it up.” Their resident advisor clapped his
hands. “Everyone put their dicks away and get back to your own
room.”
Flint yanked his robe off the doorknob, but he didn’t bother to
cover up. There was no point, really, given that he had nothing to be
ashamed of and everyone had already seen his junk. He strode through
the second-floor hall like he owned it. Catcalls and applause followed
him down to his room.
“Yeah, yeah. Stuff it, ya pervs.” At his door, Flint glanced back at
Van. “I owe you one.”
Van grabbed his towel off the floor. “Yeah? Good luck with that.”
“No more shenanigans, you guys. This is a dorm, not a frat
house.” The advisor returned to his room, and Van entered his.
Jeffery was still sitting on the edge of his bed staring at Van.
There was a difference, though, in Jeffery’s expression. Probably
because Van was totally naked. Jeffery’s gaze settled right on Van’s
cock.
Finally! Had he known naked towel wrestling would get him
some interest, he would have done it much sooner. Van closed the
door and locked it.
“Hey, could you do me a favor?” Van strode over to his side of the
room and placed his towel on the hook inside the closet and his dopp
kit on the top shelf. He deliberately kept his back to Jeffery so he
couldn’t just nod. Van also took his time putting his items away. He
made sure to tense every muscle in his body so Jeffery could get a
good long look at him, especially his ass. Van had been told on more
Determined Alpha
13
than one occasion he had a stellar set of buns.
“Um, if I can.”
Oh, that voice. Van could whack off to him reading a shopping
list. “My back has been driving me crazy.” He grabbed a bottle of
lotion and turned, offering it out to Jeffery. “If you could put some of
this on me, I’d really appreciate it.”
Jeffery looked at the lotion, Van, the door, and back again at all
three before he finally rose and took the bottle into his hand. When he
reached out, Van noticed that his hand was trembling. Not a lot, but
enough to be noticed. Damn, what the hell was he so afraid of? Van
wasn’t going to bite him. Not unless he was into that.
“Just rub some on me since I can’t reach.” Van dutifully turned
around.
“Your back hurts?” Jeffery asked.
“No. It’s itchy. Like it’s dry.” It wasn’t, but it sounded good. And
the first step in any seduction was the initial touch. Van had tried a
few other things, but they’d bombed. This had been a spur-of-the-
moment idea, and it seemed to be working.
He heard a squish as Jeffery dumped some lotion into his palm
and then a swishing as he rubbed his hands together. And then he felt
the first tentative touch of Jeffery’s hands against his flesh.
The shaking he’d seen was less noticeable now that his hands
were pressing against his back. Jeffery started high on his shoulders,
smoothing the lotion down with minimal contact.
“You can press harder. I won’t break.”
“Right.” Jeffery pressed a little harder, but he kept his strokes
almost businesslike.
Van was starting to come to the unavoidable conclusion that
maybe Jeffery just wasn’t interested in him. Bummer. Jeffery was
almost impossibly cute, and having a roommate that he could hook up
with would be nothing short of sweet for his freshman year. Hell, if
things had gone really well, they could have stayed roommates all
through college.
14
Anitra Lynn McLeod
And then, a miracle. Jeffery’s touches changed from light and
tentative to more exacting and explorative. His fingers dug in a little
more, testing the strength of Van’s muscles. With the moist lotion
covering him, Van was able to feel how hard Jeffery was breathing.
“You’re so strong.” Jeffery’s voice washed over Van’s neck and
made him shiver.
“Thank you. That really feels good.” And it honestly did. Van
glanced down and realized his cock was starting to do a levitating act.
He hoped the same show was going on in Jeffery’s trousers. “You’re a
lifesaver.”
Jeffery palmed more lotion and then went a little lower.
Van lifted his shoulders and leaned forward, giving Jeffery a better
angle and hopefully encouraging him to keep going. It seemed as long
as Van didn’t make any sudden moves they were going to get along
splendidly.
“More?” Jeffery asked.
“Yeah. I mean, if you wouldn’t mind. It’s just so hard to reach
back there, ya know?”
“Sure.” Jeffery sounded dreamy, like he’d just woken up to
breakfast in bed and he was real happy with what he was being
served.
Jeffery’s hands moved to the small of Van’s back, and then he
took a few quick swipes from his waistline down.
“God, that really feels good.” That was no lie. Jeffery had big
hands that were nice and smooth. No rough calluses like Van’s own
battered hands.
“Yes.” Jeffery rubbed him a bit lower but yanked his hand back up
almost as if he’d been burned. “You do. I mean, I’m sure that it does.
Feel good, I mean.”
Sensing that he wasn’t going to go farther than his waistline, Van
turned and faced him. “Since your hands are already lubed up, would
you mind doing the front, too?”
Jeffery took a deep breath then swallowed hard. Rather than
Determined Alpha
15
saying anything, he just nodded, filled his palm with lotion, placed the
bottle on the corner of Van’s bed, smoothed his hands together, and
then lifted them to Van’s chest. Jeffery paused there, his palms less
than an inch from making contact.
“It’s okay, Jeffery.”
Intense blue eyes met his.
“You’re just putting lotion on me.”
Similar to what he’d done on his back, Jeffery started out
tentatively. The difference this time was that Van could watch his face
as he stroked his hands over his shoulders. Jeffery seemed dazed, as if
he couldn’t quite believe he was standing here rubbing Van.
After covering his shoulders, Jeffery slipped his hands down and
then across Van’s pecs. When he stroked over his nipples, Van sucked
in a breath at how awesome that fleeting touch felt. As his hands went
lower, Van’s cock got harder. He knew the precise moment when
Jeffery noticed, because his hands stilled, and he dug his fingertips in,
as if he were clinging to Van’s chest.
“I can’t help it.”
Jeffery’s gaze lifted to Van’s.
“Like I said, your touch feels good.” Van lowered his voice and
moved incrementally closer. “Really good.”
For a timeless moment, Jeffery stood there, darting his gaze from
Van’s cock to his eyes, and then he leaned in close enough for Van to
kiss him.
Victory! Van placed his hands over Jeffery’s and then smoothed
them down his chest. The lotion allowed his palms to glide
effortlessly down his abs, past his belly button, and then to his groin.
Van stopped pushing, because Jeffery looked on the verge of some
kind of panic attack. His breathing was choppy and shallow. His eyes
were wide, and he was shaking his head in little ticks to the side.
“Jeffery?”
His gaze connected with Van’s, and what he saw was devastating.
Jeffery looked petrified. And it was all Van’s fault.
16
Anitra Lynn McLeod
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you do anything.” But the truth
was, he was trying to make him do something. Rather than be kind
and consider Jeffery’s feelings, Van plowed ahead to satisfy himself.
When Van let go of Jeffery’s hands, Jeffery flinched back.
“I have to get to the library. For work-study.”
Van took a step toward him, and Jeffery waved his hands as if
warding him off. He lunged for the door and struggled since it was
locked. Once he unlocked it, his lotion-covered hands couldn’t turn
the knob.
“Jeffery, please, let me explain.”
“No!” The longer he was delayed, the more panicked he became
until he was pulling at the doorknob rather than twisting it.
“You have lotion on your hands.”
Hastily, Jeffery wiped his hands on his pants, wrenched open the
door, and fled.
Van stood looking after him, wondering what the hell he’d done.
All he’d wanted was to have some fun with a cute guy. Instead, he’d
traumatized the poor kid and probably killed any chance he was ever
going to get.
Glaring down at his still-semihard penis, Van snarled, “Good
going, buddy. Way to scare off the”—his gaze darted to the door that
Jeffery had bailed out of—“virgin.”
Oh. Shit.
Van dropped down on his bed. No fucking wonder Jeffery freaked
right the hell out and bailed. He’d probably never so much as kissed
another guy, and here came Van the Man with his dick out and hard
like he was some kind of manslut.
At nineteen, Van was a year older than all the other freshmen,
except for a handful of guys coming into the campus as adults. He’d
been bumming around Europe for a year since high school. He’d had a
blast, made a lot of new friends, and he thought he’d matured.
After what he’d just done to Jeffery, he realized he was still the
same self-absorbed prick he’d always been. Van intended to seduce
Determined Alpha
17
Jeffery without bothering to find out anything about him. All Van had
done was look at him. Yeah, Jeffery was cute, and he pushed all Van’s
visual hot buttons, but Jeffery was a real, live person who had
feelings. Van had just stomped all over the poor guy.
“Shit. I’m an ass.”
“No argument here.”
Van looked up. In his doorway, Flint stood fully dressed with a
big old grin on his face and what looked like a roll of duct tape in his
hand. “Payback’s a bitch.”
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Anitra Lynn McLeod
Chapter 2
Jeffery didn’t run to the library, but he walked as fast as he could
without breaking into a jog. He wasn’t actually scheduled to start for
another hour, but he had to get out of his room. He had to get away
from his roommate, Romeo Vanderzant. Most everyone called him
Van, but some called him Zanty. He was so cool he had two
nicknames. Jeffery didn’t even have one. That was probably because
no one knew his real name, so they couldn’t very well pin a pet name
on him. Pretty much everyone called Jeffery “the blond who works in
the library” or “that blond who lives with Van.”
Not that Jeffery minded people not knowing his name. In a way,
that was almost a blessing. Jeffery had had five years of everyone
knowing his name, his story, and they looked at him funny because of
it. Anonymity was so much better. As much as Jeffery wanted to
make friends, he also just wanted to survive. If he could get through
four years of college, then he’d be free. Or so he hoped.
Freedom was such an alluring concept to him. Jeffery had flying
dreams all the time. He’d been told they were about his wish to
escape. He didn’t doubt that for a moment. In his dreams, he was free
to go anywhere at any time. The only thing that was terrifying was
how sometimes it seemed he was too light, and rather than flying, he
floated. Higher and higher he would go without meaning to, without
wanting to, and he’d panic and wave his arms and legs, but nothing he
did would stop his ascent. It was like he was a balloon filled with
helium. Without the proper tether, he’d just float up into the
atmosphere until he exploded.
Cold sweat coated him when he awoke from those dreams. Once,
Determined Alpha
19
he’d feared he’d wet his bed, but he’d only poured off enough sweat
to think he had. Ironically, Jeffery had not had one of those out-of-
control flying and floating dreams since he’d come to Twin Pines
College. Here, Jeffery had new challenges, new stressors, but he was
free from prying eyes, rigid structure, and the unrelenting message
that he was wrong, wrong, wrong.
However, with the freedom came new temptations.
“I have to be strong,” Jeffery reminded himself.
Strong, like Van’s muscular back and chest. Like the way his
powerful prick had started to rise the more Jeffery rubbed—he lifted
the rubber band on his wrist until it was a good four inches up and let
it go. Whap! That dissolved the inappropriate thoughts about Van.
The rising welt would continue to remind him not to let his mind
wander down that particular path again no matter how tempting those
thoughts might be.
Right after banishing that idea came an even more inappropriate
one about Flint. While Flint and Van had wrestled with one another in
the doorway, Jeffery had caught full views of both naked men. His
gaze was riveted to Van because of his unhealthy fascination for him,
but then he’d seen Flint’s cock. Jeffery’s eyes had gone wide, his
mouth dropped open, and his buttocks tensed so hard and fast he lifted
himself an inch off the mattress of his bunk. What made him shake his
head was that Flint was so big as to be almost comical. How in the
world would that cock fit into anything other than Flint’s massive
hands?
“Wrong!” Jeffery lifted his rubber band and whapped himself
again. But try as he might, he couldn’t stop thinking about cocks.
There was the massive one that Flint had, but then there was the sleek,
powerful tool that hung between Van’s legs, the tool that had risen
like a charmed snake while Jeffery smoothed his hands over him.
While covering Van with lotion, Jeffery had almost been unable to
resist reaching down and grasping ahold of him. He just wanted to
hold a cock like that. Just once. Just to see if all his confusing feelings
20
Anitra Lynn McLeod
actually meant anything.
“No. Wrong thoughts are dismissed.” Jeffery whapped his wrist
again with the rubber band.
Aversion therapy had taught Jeffery that all he had to do to rid
himself of obsessive or damaging homosexual thoughts was to refocus
on something else. When that didn’t work, his counselor suggested he
punish himself. The rubber band was a way to keep himself focused.
Most people assumed it was some kind of charity wristband since it
was bright blue, but it was just a strong rubber band that delivered a
stinging snap when his mind wandered into hazardous territory.
So far, every inappropriate thought he’d had since he’d hit campus
had been about his roommate. Van was only two inches taller than
Jeffery and maybe twenty pounds heavier, but he wore his body the
way a jungle cat wore his fur—sleek, luxurious, and deadly to touch.
Jeffery had wanted to touch Van since the moment he saw him.
How could he not want to? Van was tall, tan, and terrific. He was
everything that Jeffery had craved since the moment he had cravings.
Forever instilled into his mind was the day that boy came into his
eighth-grade English class. He was a year older and in the wrong
place, but he hadn’t been fazed by his mistake. He’d laughed, grinned,
and walked off like it was nothing. Jeffery had been fascinated. Any
time Jeffery did even the slightest thing wrong, he was convinced
everyone was watching him, mocking him, and snickering at him
behind his back. But that boy, whose name Jeffery never found out,
that boy had sparked Jeffery’s perverted interest. And that boy, with
five years’ time to grow up and mature, could be Van’s twin.
When Jeffery met Van for the first time, he was convinced he was
that boy come back to test him, but that simply couldn’t be. Jeffery
grew up in Denver, and Van was from California. There was simply
no way Van could have been that boy who walked into Jeffery’s
English class and led to all his troubles.
There was, however, a perverse irony that Van looked just like
that boy, and that he was now trying to lead to his downfall here. But
Determined Alpha
21
no matter how much Jeffery wanted him, no matter how attractive and
enticing Van was, Jeffery would hold true. If he didn’t keep on the
straight and narrow, he’d die. As much as Jeffery wanted to indulge
his wayward lusts with Van, he knew that could only drag him down
to hell.
“Only sinners sin willingly with no forethought about their
heavenly souls.” Jeffery repeated the words by rote. He mumbled
them several times under his breath like a mantra. He didn’t believe
them, not exactly, but he’d had the sentiment drilled into his head so
often he couldn’t help but hear the echo now.
Even if he wanted to accept what Van seemed to be willingly
offering, he knew he couldn’t. So much had gone into reeducating his
mind that many things he thought, felt, or believed sprung fully
formed in him with no effort on his part. Jeffery was a product of his
environment. And his environment had been one of hellfire, hatred,
and damnation for his homosexuality.
“You’re not a homosexual. You’re confused.”
The words sounded as if they came live into both Jeffery’s ears at
the same time. He moved more quickly toward the library.
“Don’t fall to temptation when you can escape so easily.”
Jeffery wanted to put his hands to his ears, but he knew that voice
wasn’t real. If even once he was caught stumbling across the quad
with his hands to his head as he screamed at the voice to stop, he
would never, ever live the rumor down. So Jeffery walked fast but
didn’t run. He hummed lightly to himself but didn’t shout to drown
out the voice. One way or another he would make the horrible voice
stop.
“Better to commit suicide than openly embrace the homosexual
life.”
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Anitra Lynn McLeod
Chapter 3
“You really don’t need to do this.” Van had quit struggling once it
became clear that he wasn’t going anywhere until Flint wanted him to.
“I know I don’t need to.” Flint grinned. “I want to.” Flint fondled
the roll of duct tape. “Now, apologize.”
“If I do, you’ll let me go?” Van looked around at the collection of
muscle-bound guys who had followed Flint into his room.
“We’ll be nicer about how we tape you up.” Flint waggled the roll
of duct tape. “Have you ever had this shit slapped down tight to your
pubes?” Flint made a face of extreme pain, a face that his opponents
on the field probably made after he tackled them and kept right on
running. “I mean, hell. You can pull it off, but it will take all your hair
with it.”
Van, Flint, and the rest all looked down at Van’s privates. He had
a hefty growth of hair.
“Too bad I don’t wax, huh?” Despite the fact he was being held
prisoner in his room by four enormous guys, Van really wasn’t afraid.
They had pranked one another half a dozen times since the year
started. Some of the jokes were just silly, some were annoying, but all
were ultimately harmless. They didn’t bully or haze anyone, and not
just because it was against school policy, but because the whole point
was to have fun and blow off steam. So, Van didn’t struggle as he was
held to answer to his crimes against Flint.
“And how sad you couldn’t get me back on your own.” Van knew
he was only antagonizing Flint further, but he didn’t care. “Had to
bring your little posse, huh? Coward.”
“Coward? Naw.” Flint yanked on the roll of duct tape until he
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23
unfurled a good foot-long strip. “You’re only making things worse for
yourself.”
“What are you going to do?” Van considered all the things they
could do with the tape. None of them were pleasant.
“Oh, we’ve got plans.” Flint grinned.
Casually, Van tried to pull on his pants, but one of the guys
yanked them away.
“No, no. That would cover up the goods. You wanted everyone to
get a good look at my dick, so I figure turnabout is fair play.”
Van pondered that for a moment. “You’re going to put me on
display?”
“Yep.”
“Where?”
“You’ll see.” Flint nodded to one of the guys, and he took ahold of
Van’s arm and lifted him to his feet.
“Gee, I’m really not into surprises.” Van got a little worried when
he found himself surrounded by all the guys. They had him pretty well
corralled by a wall of muscle. “Ya know, with the right music, this
could be the beginning of a porno.”
Flint chuckled. “You wish.”
“Sorry, but none of you are my type.”
“Right. You like your sweet, innocent roommate.”
Van tried to keep a poker face, but his concern obviously showed
clearly to the guys around him.
“Ah. I think we’ve found your kryptonite.”
“Don’t mess with Jeffery.” Van was dead serious. “He didn’t do
anything, and he’s really shy.”
“Maybe after we get done with him he won’t be so timid
anymore.” Flint uttered a booming bwhahaha that damn near rattled
the windows.
For the first time Van became truly worried. “Hey, seriously, he
has panic attacks.” Or at least that’s what Van thought that reaction
had been. Everything had been going great until Jeffery got a look at
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Van’s hardening cock.
Flint frowned. He wasn’t a mean guy. He just wanted payback.
“Okay, then. If he’s out, I guess we’re going to have to get you doubly
good.”
“Fine.” Van would rather they punish the hell out of him than do
anything to Jeffery. Considering he’d already scared the crap out of
him with what he’d done earlier, Jeffery would completely freak out
to have this group of man meat descend on him.
“Check the quad.” Flint nodded to the window.
One of the guys stepped over, pulled back the drapes, and peered
down. “Looks pretty empty.”
“Okay, here’s the drill. We’re going to get him trussed up in here
and then take him down there.”
“Why don’t we just bind him up down there?”
“Because it will take at least fifteen minutes, and we don’t want to
get caught.” Flint flicked his chin at Van. “Get him on the bed, boys.”
Before Van could do anything, he was flat on his back on his bed.
“The more you struggle, the harder I press the tape. Got it?” Flint
held up the piece he’d pulled off earlier. “The harder I press, the more
it sticks to your hair and skin.”
“Which means the more painful it is to get off. I got it.” Van
stayed still while Flint wrapped the first length of tape around his
ankles. “Are you certain you don’t just want to turn this into a porno?
I mean, really, that would be a hell of a lot more fun for all of us.”
“Still cracking wise.” Flint pressed the tape more firmly around
his ankles.
“Hey! That’s not fair. I didn’t struggle.”
“Yeah, but you’re distracting me with all that talk about pornos.
And besides, we just taped your legs together.”
“My mouth still works.” Van grinned.
“Maybe we should tape that up,” one of the guys suggested.
“Oh, no. I’ve got plans for Zanty’s mouth.”
Van wondered what that plan might be. God, he hoped it was
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25
something good, but he had a feeling it wasn’t. They wouldn’t do
permanent damage to him. They’d just want him to seriously
reconsider any thoughts of retaliation. Erring on the side of caution,
Van decided the best course of action would be to keep his mouth
shut. Antagonizing them further would just encourage them to find
longer and more humiliating punishments.
Flint tore off more tape and bound Van’s wrists together.
“Now we get to work in earnest.”
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Chapter 4
“Are you all right, Jeffery?” Mr. Donatello was alone in the
library. From what Jeffery could see, he was sorting books by the
Dewey decimal system and putting them in order on the return cart.
Part of Jeffery’s job was to place the books back on the appropriate
shelf.
“I’m fine. Just, can I go ahead and start now?” Jeffery was
desperate for something to distract him from all his thoughts. He had
reached a tentative accord with the voice by keeping his focus on his
studies. The only reason it was tormenting him today was because
Jeffery had broken the rules. Looking at cocks, thinking of cocks, and
touching another male in an intimate manner were all major no-nos.
Maybe if Jeffery asked, he could get a different roommate. It wouldn’t
destroy all his thoughts about Van, but it would certainly lessen the
frequency of them.
“Absolutely.” Mr. Donatello grinned. “I never turn down help.”
They worked in silence. It was odd to Jeffery that here in the quiet
of the library he found solace. Normally, when it was quiet, that’s
when his longings crowded into his brain for attention, right along
with the voice that berated him for those cravings, but here they both
left him mercifully alone. Here, surrounded by tons of tomes, Jeffery
found he was able to escape who he was and what had been done to
him.
“Are you enjoying your classes?” Mr. Donatello pushed his
glasses up with his index finger then lifted and combed back his hair.
It was a gesture he did about every fifteen minutes or so. Finger
combing his longish brown hair back made it feather around his face
Determined Alpha
27
and highlighted the fact that his eyes were the exact same color as his
hair. He had the tapered fingers of an artist and the kind, open
expression of a gentle soul.
“I am. Some are more difficult than others, but I like to learn new
things.” New fields of study gave him more things with which to
distract himself. With most people, Jeffery found it difficult to speak,
because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing, but here, in the
library, with Mr. Donatello, Jeffery felt at ease.
“What’s your favorite so far?” Mr. Donatello checked the spine of
a book then settled it in the return cart.
“Creative writing.”
“Ah. Perhaps you will be an author someday.”
Jeffery grinned. “I might.” Frankly, he didn’t see himself doing
anything in the future. Too much obscured his vision of himself for
him to have any true sense of who he was or where he would end up.
“I, myself, like to paint.”
“I noticed you have splotches on your hands sometimes.” Jeffery
looked at his hands. They were clean today.
“I get absentminded when I paint, but I haven’t had time to lose
myself in my art for a few days.”
“What do you paint?” Jeffery checked a book and added it to the
cart.
There was a long pause before Mr. Donatello answered, “This and
that. Whatever strikes my fancy.” He barely paused for breath before
he asked, “What do you write about?”
Jeffery wasn’t sure how to answer that, but he was certain that Mr.
Donatello was uncomfortable talking about his painting. Jeffery was
unsure about confessing that he wrote about things that he knew he
shouldn’t. Writing about his secret fantasies was what had ruined the
last five years of his life. It was peculiar that when he was hunched
over his laptop rapidly tapping out the visions in his mind, he felt no
guilt, and the voice didn’t bother him. Maybe because he was writing
about other people and not talking about himself. Perhaps that was the
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trick with the ground-in guilt and the nagging voice. Jeffery just had
to picture himself as someone else. Anyone else. What he wouldn’t
give not to be himself.
“Jeffery?”
“Oh, sorry, I was thinking about what I write, and I got kind of
lost.”
“Then you are a true artist.” Mr. Donatello smiled, revealing
perfectly straight teeth. In all respects, he was a very handsome man,
but Jeffery had never had one sexual thought about him. He liked him
and loved working in the library, but that was the extent of his
interest. Too bad Jeffery couldn’t feel that way about his roommate.
“Do you ever find yourself stuck?” Jeffery asked after placing
another tome on the cart.
“Stuck?”
“Well, like, you’re sitting there, or standing I guess, in your case,
and you have the urge to create something, but the words or colors
just won’t come?”
“Do you mean to ask if painters suffer something similar to
writer’s block?”
Jeffery nodded.
“We do, actually. Or at least I do.” Mr. Donatello stopped and
considered the book in his hand. “There are times where I can see
something perfectly in my mind’s eye. I can almost touch and taste the
vision it’s so strong. But then, when I try to pull that image out and
put it on the canvas, it’s all wrong.”
Jeffery noticed that Mr. Donatello’s hand tightened on the book
until his fingers went white. Whatever project he was thinking about
obviously frustrated him a great deal.
“I just can’t get it to come out, and I swear it drives me to
madness.” He looked down at the book he was squeezing. “Heavens.
I’m sorry.” He blushed as he settled the book in the cart. “I happen to
be struggling with a work right now.”
“I’m sorry.” Jeffery felt for him since he was mired in a block, too.
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29
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“You are so kind, but no. I’m afraid this is something that I simply
must push through.” Mr. Donatello considered Jeffery. “Are you
blocked?”
Jeffery nodded. “Like you said, I see it in my head, but I can’t get
the right words in the right order.”
“Perhaps try just getting all the words out.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, take for example this stack of books.” Mr. Donatello
placed his hand on the books they had yet to sort. “All out of order
and in total chaos. But they are all here.”
“We just have to look at each one and put it where it belongs.”
Jeffery liked that analogy. “If I just write it all out, I can rearrange it
later.”
“There you go.”
“Too bad you can’t do that with painting.”
“Perhaps I can.” Mr. Donatello frowned. “Maybe if I just put all
the elements on the canvas, I could see what is missing, what needs
more attention, and what could be dismissed.”
They each considered their own dilemma as they put all the
remaining books on the cart.
“Would you do the honors? I’m going to look over the list of
requests and see if we can get them on interlibrary loan.”
“Sure.” Jeffery went off to shelve the books as Mr. Donatello
worked at the main terminal. The Internet and electronic books had
forever changed the library system, but they hadn’t eliminated it. They
had simply enhanced what they could offer. In addition to the actual
books, they had what was called a virtual library, which was made up
of electronic tomes, audio-visual materials, and items they could
borrow from other libraries. The electronic age had drastically
expanded their information base. Keeping track of what they had to
share with the students was made much easier by computers, but still,
Mr. Donatello had a wealth of information stored between his ears. As
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soon as a title or subject was mentioned, he knew exactly what they
had to offer from their physical shelves and from their virtual shelves.
Considering he was new here this year, Jeffery was astounded by the
man’s recall. Mr. Donatello might not have an eidetic memory, but he
had something pretty damn close.
Jeffery enjoyed putting the books back, because he always found
an interesting subject he would like to read up on. Reading was
another way to drown out the voice and his own painful urges. He was
in the four hundred range, which was dedicated to language, when he
noticed a group of guys standing around the fountain in the center of
the quad. In another month or so it would be too cold to run it and it
would go dormant for winter. But for now, it was bubbling happily.
Frowning, Jeffery tilted his head as the fountain started to literally
bubble by foaming all over the place. And then the water turned bright
yellow.
“What in the world?”
The group of guys seemed to be laughing.
“Jeffery?” Mr. Donatello joined him at the long, skinny window
that was next to the language section. “Oh, my. That simply can’t be
good.”
“What should we do?” Jeffery continued to stare at the spectacle.
The guys on campus played a lot of pranks on one another, like what
Van had done to Flint this morning. They seemed to revel in one-
upping each other. No one got hurt, and they all laughed when it was
over. Jeffery was astonished by their behavior. Just like that day in his
English class five years ago, with the boy who simply wasn’t
embarrassed, Jeffery watched as his classmates were de-pantsed,
doused in various liquids, rendered naked—all without one bit of
shame. He would give just about anything to be like that for even an
hour.
“I think we should go out and see the matter up close.” Mr.
Donatello laughed. “I’m sure it’s simply another joke, but as a
responsible adult I should probably make sure all is well. Come with
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me?”
“Sure.” Jeffery wanted to go look, but he didn’t want to go alone.
With Mr. Donatello by his side, he felt safe venturing out into the
quad. The voice particularly liked to berate him in open spaces when
he was alone, probably because that was when those phrases had been
forced into Jeffery’s mind. Every summer for five years he’d attended
Take Action, a reeducation camp not far from Twin Pines. For three
months, he was pummeled with mental and physical punishments
designed to change his orientation. The effects still lingered since he’d
gone straight from camp to college. However, if he was with someone
and they were near a group, Jeffery figured he would probably be
okay.
They exited the library and walked toward the center of the quad.
The closer they got, the more what he was seeing took shape into
something that made sense. When Jeffery realized what was going on,
he ran full speed toward the group at the fountain.
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Chapter 5
“Let him alone!” Jeffery ran up and shoved Flint as hard as he
could. Flint, being three hundred pounds of muscle, didn’t so much as
sway. “This isn’t fair at all for what he did to you!”
Van wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t seen it with his own
eyes. Jeffery went from shy and reserved into fighting mad. Van
would have cheered him on but for the fact the guys had taped his
mouth shut. They’d duct taped his legs and hands together, drawn on
his face, covered his mouth, and then tossed him in the fountain. To
complete their prank, they added shampoo for bubbles and yellow-
orange die that was probably going to stain his skin for a week or
more.
“You’re nothing but a bully!” And then Jeffery did the craziest
thing Van had ever seen. He cocked back his arm and punched Flint
square in the nose. Jesus! Flint was half a foot taller and a hundred
pounds heavier, but Jeffery just let him have it.
Crimson exploded, and Flint flinched back, cupping his hand to
his face. He was apparently so stunned he tripped back and landed on
his ass.
Van struggled to get up or at least get the tape off his mouth. He
wanted to scream at Jeffery to run. Flint was going to kill him once he
got up. Pranking didn’t involve hitting each other. Despite the fact
that Flint had pressed the duct tape firmly on him, he’d only bound up
his wrists, ankles, and mouth. It would sting coming off, but not that
badly. While he appreciated Jeffery’s urge to protect him, he really
was quite all right. But now, with the blow, Jeffery had turned a funny
situation ugly.
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Unfortunately, no matter how hard he struggled, Van couldn’t get
up or get his mouth free.
Slowly, Flint got to his feet, eyeing Jeffery. Van thought he was
going to eat the poor kid alive when instead he started laughing.
“Fuck! That was one hell of a punch.”
Jeffery was shaking. His breath was short and choppy, just like it
had been earlier in their room. His entire body flushed pink.
“What the fuck is wrong with him?”
Jeffery turned toward the guy who had asked the question. His
hands trembled, and his head was twitching sharply. It was clear from
Van’s vantage point that Jeffery was having another panic attack.
Having someone loudly point out there was something wrong with
him only seemed to aggravate the situation.
“Holy shit, he wet his pants!”
Everyone backed off from Jeffery, whose eyes were wide and
darted around at the scene like he was looking for an escape. No one
was trying to hold him, but it was almost like in his panic Jeffery
couldn’t see that.
His breathing became ever more shallow and his face more red.
All this happened so fast it was terrifying to watch. What made it
worse was that Van suspected it was a panic attack but he had no idea
what to do to stop the situation. Van had never felt so impotent in his
life. If only he could talk, he thought he could calm Jeffery down.
When he saw Mr. Donatello run up, Van was relieved, but Jeffery
spun toward him and his panic deepened. Jeffery’s eyes rolled back in
his head, and he collapsed on the ground. The only saving grace in the
whole mess was that his head landed on the grass and not on the
concrete.
“Jesus, he stopped breathing!”
“Someone get out a cell phone and call 911.” In sharp contrast to
the panic around him, Mr. Donatello kept his voice low and calm. “I
want you to tell them that we have a student who is apparently having
some type of seizure.”
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It was Flint who whipped out his cell and called. He conveyed
what Mr. Donatello had said in a rational tone of voice despite the fact
it was a bit nasally due to his bloody nose.
Mr. Donatello took off his jacket, folded it up, and placed it
underneath Jeffery’s head. “Would one of you please extricate Mr.
Vanderzant from the fountain? I would prefer not to have a spectacle
when the police arrive.” He looked around at the group. “You”—Mr.
Donatello pointed to one of the guys who had helped carry Van out—
“are going to take off your shirt and give it to him so he can cover
up.”
The guys did as instructed. In seconds, two strong men had Van
out of the fountain then they got to work removing the duct tape.
Shampoo had partially worked its way under the adhesive, but it still
burned like a motherfucker when they ripped it off.
Once his mouth was free, Van asked, “Is he okay?”
“I think he just panicked.” Mr. Donatello moved to the other side
of Jeffery to shade his face from the sun. “If he had epilepsy, I would
have been informed of that since he works with me in the library.”
“How the fuck are you so calm?” Flint settled down next to Mr.
Donatello and cupped Jeffery’s hand as if to offer some comfort.
“I had an epileptic dog.” Mr. Donatello met Flint’s gaze.
Even with all the excitement, Van saw a spark of interest flash
between Flint and the librarian. Not that he gave a shit at the moment.
Van felt responsible for all of this. It was his stupid prank of stealing
Flint’s robe that started the whole mess. That a completely innocent
person got hurt was just messed up.
“Is your nose broken?” Mr. Donatello asked Flint.
“I’m okay. It’s not the first time I’ve been hit in the face.
Although, the other times were during sports.”
Mr. Donatello pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it
over to Flint. “Tilt your head back and press on opposite sides of the
bridge of your nose.”
Flint took the hanky, but he seemed dubious about pressing it
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35
against his nose.
“I buy them by the dozen. It’s fine.”
Flint pressed it against his face and tilted his head back, but he
kept holding Jeffery’s hand.
“Is there anything else we can do?” Van still had some tape stuck
to him, but he didn’t care. He took the proffered shirt, wrapped it
around his hips, and settled down next to Jeffery. He was breathing
but still very fast, almost like he was running, and his body continued
to twitch.
“All we can do is stay calm.” Mr. Donatello gave Van a pointed
look. “Keep your voice even. Let him know you’re here, that you’re
fine, and that everything is okay.”
Van took Jeffery’s other hand. “I’m here, Jeffery. I’m okay. It was
just a silly prank. But no more.” Van met Flint’s gaze, and Flint
nodded in agreement. “We’re not going to do this crap anymore.”
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Chapter 6
Jeffery didn’t want to return to campus, but he had nowhere else
to go. Rather than express any concern, his parents were furious with
him. They didn’t come up to the hospital in Twin Pines. They just
yelled at him over the phone. First his mother then his father. It was a
tag-team screaming match.
“The last thing we need is another bill. Do you have any idea what
we’re paying to put you through college?”
Jeffery knew right down to the penny, because they told him.
Repeatedly. Rather than argue, which would only prolong the abuse,
Jeffery sat with the phone to his ear and simply listened. Just like at
camp, he found this was an effective strategy. If he seemed to be
listening and repentant for whatever it was he’d done wrong, he cut
the yelling time down by about half. Eventually, his parents ran out of
steam, and then they hung up. Neither one had asked if he was okay.
Jeffery hung up the phone, received his discharge paperwork, and
then he walked toward the campus. It was over three miles away, but
he had no other choice. His pants were dry, but they weren’t clean. He
smelled the shameful thing he’d done all the way back. When he got
closer, he felt another panic attack coming, but he stopped where he
was, sat down, and took one of the pills he’d been given at the
hospital.
After about fifteen minutes he felt a lot better, so he rose and
continued on. Jeffery wondered what his parents had told the doctors.
They hadn’t really asked him anything, so whatever information they
got had to have come from either his parents or Mr. Donatello.
Poor Mr. Donatello. He’d wanted to stay by Jeffery’s side, but his
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37
parents pitched an epic fit that they weren’t paying for his time. When
he said he wasn’t asking for monetary compensation, they accused
him of having an unnatural interest in Jeffery. Unable to do anything,
he’d left, after a quick apology.
“It’s okay. It’s not you. It’s them.” Jeffery had wanted to beg him
to stay, but he didn’t. The last thing he would want to do is get the
man in trouble. Jeffery figured it wouldn’t be long before his parents
demanded he change his work-study out of the library and into
something else.
Whenever anything happened, they blamed Jeffery and found
unique ways to punish him. Once, they’d taken away all his casual
loafers so that he had to wear his dress shoes to school every day with
his khakis. The shiny black shoes looked silly, and he was teased
endlessly. Another time, they refused to let him wash his hair. After a
week it was so nasty that even they couldn’t stand it. Jeffery never
understood their hatred toward him. One mistake in eighth grade and
his parents had seemed to despise him ever after.
He thought being away from them and living up here in Twin
Pines would give him some kind of reprieve, but no. They found a
way to micromanage him even from a distance. Unlike most of his
classmates, Jeffery wasn’t allowed to have a cell phone or any type of
electronic gaming device. He was allowed to have a laptop, but his
parents could demand to see it at any time. All this to keep him on
that straight and narrow path. At first, they insisted he call them
nightly to check in, but after the first bill, which Jeffery was blamed
for, they’d had him send detailed e-mails each day while he was in the
library.
At the main door to the dorm, Jeffery hesitated with his hand on
the pull bar. He didn’t want to face everyone. In his mind, he heard
the two shouted comments over and over.
“What the fuck is wrong with him?”
“Holy shit, he wet his pants!”
They repeated around in his head in an endless loop. The only
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good thing was they drowned out the other voice that recalled all the
sayings from the Take Action camp.
Jeffery looked down and hoped no one would notice that these
were the same pants he’d been wearing earlier, but he knew he
wouldn’t be that lucky. A nurse at the hospital had offered to give him
a pair of scrubs, but his father had screamed at her that if she did, he
would sue her. For what, Jeffery didn’t know. He didn’t hear that part.
The nurse didn’t give him the pants, but she had dried these out as
best she could with the hand drier in the women’s bathroom.
If he could just get to his room unseen, he could change into
something else. With a desperate prayer, he wished he could change
himself as easily as he changed his clothing. With that power, Jeffery
would make himself more like Van. He would be able to joke and
laugh and not feel so self-conscious.
Jeffery pulled the door open and darted across the lobby to the
north stairwell. Hardly anyone used it since the other one was closer.
He liked this one since the exit door was right next to his room.
Moving up the stairs at a fast pace, he rounded the corner and ran
right into someone coming down.
Panic surged as he struggled to regain his balance.
“Jeffery!” Van grabbed his arm and righted him. “Are you okay?”
He nodded, unable to speak.
“I’m so sorry. Really. About everything.” Van pulled Jeffery into
his arms and hugged him.
Normally, Jeffery would have struggled, but the embrace felt so
good he relaxed into Van’s arms. Finally, someone was offering him
comfort, and his parents weren’t around to make him stop. Jeffery
wrapped his arms around Van and burst into tears.
“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Van squeezed him and rubbed his hands
along his back. He didn’t push him away or demand answers or do
anything other than hold him.
Jeffery wasn’t certain how long they stood in the stairwell, but his
tears had dried up. “Thank you.” He couldn’t remember the last time
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39
he was comforted.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”
A trickle of panic flickered but died before it could get fully
seated. Van wasn’t picking on him. Clearly, he felt responsible for
what had happened.
“How’s your hand?”
“My hand?” Jeffery stared stupidly down at his hand and realized
there was a bruise growing across his knuckles.
“You gave Flint one hell of a bloody nose.”
Jeffery had forgotten all about that. He’d just been so angry when
he saw Van being put in the fountain so the whole school could
ridicule him. “Did I break his nose?”
“No. He’s okay. He thinks you’re awesome.”
“What? Why?” Maybe Flint was crazy. Wouldn’t it just be like a
Twilight Zone episode if Jeffery turned out to be the only sane person
on campus?
“Because you’re a lot smaller than he is and you stood up to him
anyway.” Van squeezed Jeffery’s left hand. “For me.”
“He shouldn’t have done that to you.” Jeffery had been shocked
that they had done that in retaliation for such a minor thing as taking
Flint’s robe. “Did they do that to your face?”
Van grimaced. “Yeah. I have no idea when it will wash off. Does
it look really bad?”
“It looks like a Hitler mustache.” There was a perfectly square
patch of black centered between Van’s nose and upper lip.
“I think that was the general idea.”
A very strange feeling caused the pit of Jeffery’s belly to feel light
and kind of quivery.
“What? Are you okay?” Instantly alert, Van wrapped his arm
around Jeffery as they continued up the stairs.
“I’m—I—” And then Jeffery laughed. “I’m sorry. I’m not
laughing at you, but—”
“At this.” Van touched his magic-marker mustache. When he
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waggled his upper lip, Jeffery only laughed harder. Rather than get
angry, Van kept on smooshing his lips around, making Jeffery laugh
more.
“You’re not angry that I’m laughing?”
“No. It’s funny. Really. I’m just sorry that you got hurt.”
“I’m okay now.” And for the first time he felt okay. Maybe it was
the pill he’d taken, or maybe it was just realizing things weren’t
always so serious. “I need to change my pants.”
Van nodded. “I’ll wash them. It’s the least I can do.”
“Thanks.”
“Did the docs figure out what happened?”
“Panic attack. I’ve had them before.”
“I’m glad you’re okay.” Van paused at the exit door of the
stairwell. “And thanks for sticking up for me.”
“You’re welcome.”
When Van leaned into him, it seemed the most normal thing in the
world for him to kiss Jeffery.
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Chapter 7
Van told himself he wasn’t going to hit on Jeffery anymore, but as
soon as he saw him, he wanted him even more fiercely than he had
before. But this time was different. This time it wasn’t about the
challenge of seducing him or anything like that. This time it was
because he was honestly attracted to him. Jeffery had been scared out
of his mind, but he had stood up to a man almost twice his size. No
one had ever done anything so sweet, so brave, and so one step away
from crazy for him.
Kissing Jeffery went beyond his expectations. His lips were soft
and tentative, just like his touch earlier when he’d been smoothing the
lotion on him. When Jeffery sighed, and his lips parted, Van slipped
his tongue into his mouth.
Surging into him, Jeffery clung to his shoulders as if bracing
himself against whatever was going on inside him. Considering what
the simple kiss was doing to Van, he could only imagine the onslaught
of emotions racing through Jeffery.
Swirling his tongue against Jeffery’s, Van deepened the kiss by
angling his head and pulling him closer.
Jeffery responded by moaning quietly and plastering himself
against Van’s body.
Ah, God. His cock was hard and rubbed right against Van’s. For a
first kiss, it was unbelievable. Hot and sexy and so powerful Van
swore if they kept going he was going to cream in his jeans. As much
as he wanted to do that, he also felt a responsibility to get Jeffery
returned to rights.
Reluctantly, Van pulled back. “Wow. You’re a good kisser.”
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Jeffery blinked dreamily at him. “I’ve never kissed anyone
before.”
“Never?” Van touched Jeffery’s lips.
“No. I was told...”
He didn’t finish, so Van said, “I’m honored to be your first.” He
chuckled lightly. “That sounded kinda corny.”
“I liked it.” Jeffery grinned. “Kiss me again.”
Van did. Whatever Jeffery needed, he was going to get. They
stood in the stairwell kissing for what seemed like only minutes but
turned out to be almost an hour.
“Damn. Your lips are so distracting.” Van kissed him twice more,
quick and sweet, then turned toward the exit door. “Wait here, okay?”
“Why?”
“I’m going to make sure the hallway is empty.” Van looked down
at Jeffery’s tan pants. It wasn’t an obvious stain, but anyone who was
there today would know what had happened. He didn’t want to take
the risk of anyone teasing Jeffery. Not now, not ever. But he could
only do so much.
“Thank you.” Jeffery leaned into him, and they got to kissing and
rubbing together again.
“Okay, that’s all there is to it. I’m now and forever your very
willing servant.”
Jeffery grinned and traced his finger over Van’s drawn-on
mustache. “You’re my own personal dictator.”
“That, too.” Van refrained from kissing him again. Instead, he
opened the door, peered down the hallway, and then pulled Jeffery out
of the stairwell. With three steps, they were in their room. “Why do I
feel like we’re sneaking around?”
“Because we are.” Jeffery drifted closer. This time the kisses were
more urgent.
Van tried to resist, but it was Jeffery who frantically tugged at his
jeans to get them unfastened. Once he did, Jeffery shoved them down.
“I want to touch you. I’ve never touched anyone before until I
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touched you today. And you felt so good.” Jeffery sounded eager and
almost famished by his need to feel him. “Have you ever touched
another man?”
“Yeah.” Van moved his head back so they could look each other
in the eye. “But I’ve always been careful.”
“Careful?”
“I’ve always used condoms.” Which reminded him he didn’t have
any. But in a way, he thought that was a good thing. No condoms
meant he couldn’t take this any further than he already had. Well,
maybe a little further. But the last thing he wanted to do was go too
far with Jeffery too soon. His attitude about hooking up seemed to
have undergone a one-eighty since this morning. Van decided it had to
be because of the incident at the fountain. After Jeffery had clocked
Flint, he apparently decided that he was ready to admit that he was
attracted to Van.
“Does it hurt?”
Van knew what he was asking. The idea of being Jeffery’s first
was heady, but not if he wasn’t prepared. “Not if you do it right.”
“Would you show me how?”
“Jeffery, we—”
And Jeffery was plastered against him again, his mouth seeking as
his hands continued to push Van’s jeans down. When he exposed his
cock, Jeffery tore his mouth away and looked down. Tentatively, he
reached out but pulled his hand back. It was like Jeffery wanted to
touch him almost desperately but didn’t quite trust himself to do so.
“Let’s shower first.”
“Shower?”
“We should have the place to ourselves.” Van wanted to help
Jeffery clean up, but he didn’t want to remind him about what
happened on the quad. Wetting his pants had been involuntary, and
Van knew that, but he worried that the other guys might tease him
about it anyway. Van had spent a lot of the time after Jeffery was
taken away by the ambulance reminding the guys that picking on
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Jeffery would only make matters worse. Most of the guys seemed to
understand that. Once Van had gotten the shampoo and dye washed
off him, Mr. Donatello gave him more than enough information about
panic attacks. Van felt confident now that he could help Jeffery if it
happened again.
“You’ll shower with me?” Jeffery asked.
“Yeah. I’d love to wash you all over.”
Jeffery grinned. “Okay.”
When Van grabbed the edge of his shirt, Jeffery lifted his arms
and helped him slide it off. Since Jeffery always undressed for bed in
the dark and dressed in the bathroom, Van had never seen his bare
chest. And that was sad, because it was gorgeous.
“Damn, you’re hot.”
“I am?”
Van traced his fingers lightly over Jeffery’s rippled abs. “Yeah.”
“Your turn now.” Jeffery pulled Van’s shirt up and off. “Your
chest is so...” Rather than finish, he simply traced his hands over him
like he was applying more lotion. Lowering his way down, he helped
push off Van’s jeans. He still wasn’t brave enough to touch his cock,
but that was okay. Van could wait. They’d made tremendous progress
in one day, so he was happy with that.
Carefully, Van unfastened Jeffery’s pants. He didn’t want to rush
and startle him. As he pushed them down, Jeffery tensed, but then he
took a deep breath. They fell to his ankles. Before Van knew it,
Jeffery shimmied out of his briefs, but he also put his hands over his
cock.
“Let’s get our gear and go.”
From the closet they retrieved their towels, wrapped them around
their hips, and then they grabbed their dopp kits. Van checked out the
hall. When the coast was clear, he and Jeffery went down to the
community washroom. There was a wall that had four shower stalls.
Across from them were sinks. Mercifully, the toilets were on the other
side of the sink wall with another row of sinks. At this time in the
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evening, it was unlikely they’d be disturbed.
“Looks like the place is ours.” Van took off his towel and hung it
up on the hook outside the stall. They were actually pretty roomy. He
and Jeffery could easily fit together in one.
Jeffery took off his towel and hung it up with Van’s.
Instead of checking out Jeffery’s naked body, which he
desperately wanted to do, Van turned and got the water going.
He stepped under the spray, pulled Jeffery in with him, and then
closed the plastic curtain. Unsure where to start, Van went back to
what they were already good at. Kissing while hot water poured down
on them made their lips slippery.
Eventually, Jeffery relaxed against him, sliding his hands over
Van’s chest. This time, his touch was more powerful, demanding
even, almost as if he were determined to see himself through to
actually touching Van’s cock.
Slowly, inevitably, Jeffery worked his hands lower until he
stroked Van’s cock. Unable to hold still, Van groaned and lifted his
hips, forcefully wedging his cock into Jeffery’s hands. Rather than
flinch away, Jeffery cupped him more firmly and sighed.
“You feel so hot.”
“I’d be on fire if not for this water,” Van joked. He gave Jeffery
plenty of time to explore. He touched Van as if he’d never even
touched his own penis. Jeffery’s caress was curious and such a turn-on
because it was almost innocent.
“Touch me, too,” Jeffery invited.
“How about I soap you up?” Van retrieved his shower gel, poured
some on his hands, and then slid them all over Jeffery’s beautiful
body. Each stroke elicited a sigh, a moan, or a grumbly growl.
“That feels so good.” Jeffery closed his eyes and clearly luxuriated
in Van’s every touch.
After he’d gotten most of his upper body clean, Van moved
behind him and cupped his buttocks.
“Ah.” Jeffery angled back into his palms.
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Van had to take a deep breath to calm himself down. Jeffery’s ass
was high, tight, and so fucking perfect he practically wanted to drop to
his knees and worship it. Swirling his hands around, he teased up his
crack and then back down.
“Good. So good.” Jeffery lowered his head and leaned into the
wall as if bracing himself for more.
Van slid his middle finger down the split then teased his fingertip
around his hole.
Jeffery moaned and lifted his ass.
Encouraged, Van continued to tease over his bottom until Jeffery
was panting.
Pulling him up, Van plastered himself against Jeffery’s backside
and stroked his cock in the split of his bottom. “Is this okay?”
“Yes. Oh, yes. You feel good.”
Van rocked his cock along his buttocks, turning himself on to the
point he almost lost it. Hell, Jeffery’s tight ass just seemed to cradle
his prick perfectly.
“Are you ready for more?” Van didn’t want to push him too far
too fast, but he also didn’t want to leave him hanging.
“Yes. More.” Jeffery turned his head and kissed Van over his
shoulder.
Encouraged, Van slipped his still-soapy hand around to Jeffery’s
cock.
Jeffery jolted, tightening his buttocks around Van’s prick, but then
he uttered a guttural moan of longing that shook Van down to his
soul.
“Your cock is huge.” Van wrapped his hand around him and
stroked lightly. He had a feeling if he went any faster or firmer Jeffery
would blow. He wanted to give him a good first hand job, so he
backed off a bit.
“Not as big as Flint’s.”
Van chuckled in Jeffery’s ear. “Thank God for that.”
“I thought bigger was better?” Jeffery lifted his arms around so he
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was holding Van by cupping his hips.
“There’s big, and then there’s a rectum wrecker.”
Jeffery laughed until another stroke made him moan. Van was
astonished at the change in him. He’d been so afraid this morning, but
now he was utterly relaxed. Van chalked up Jeffery’s remarkable
transformation to the fact that he’d decided to go after what he
wanted. Perhaps the pranks had paid off by allowing Jeffery to show
his protective side. As soon as he’d done that, he must have decided
that he was safe expressing his desire, too.
“If we time this right, we can both get off.”
“How?”
“I’m going to stroke myself along your tight ass, and then I’ll wrap
my hands around you like this.” Van stacked his hands along Jeffery’s
cock.
“What do I do?”
“Hold onto me.”
As Van rocked up, sliding his prick between Jeffery’s buttocks, he
pulled his hands down, giving Jeffery’s cock a good, long stroke.
“Oh, yes.” Jeffery angled himself back and kept his hands on
Van’s hips.
“Faster, and faster, and tighter, and tighter.” Van had set up a good
rhythm and then increased his pace. “Match your breathing to mine.”
Jeffery did, and they reached the summit together. He knew that
Jeffery was getting closer, because he dug his fingertips into his hips.
“I’m going to—to—ah.” Jeffery climaxed, and Van was right
there with him, holding him tightly, making sure he felt Van’s release
surging against his back. As Van held his hands firm but still, he
marveled at the strength of Jeffery’s release. He pumped and pumped
until finally, he hung his head, exhausted.
Easing him back just a bit, Van placed them under the showerhead
so the hot water sluiced over both their bodies. Once Jeffery’s climax
was finished, Van let go, wrapped his arms around his chest, and
hugged him hard. Not once in all of his encounters had he ever done
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something like this. It was sweet, sexy, and sensual.
“Thank you.” Jeffery turned and kissed Van over his shoulder.
“You’re welcome.” Van kissed him gently. “Why do you keep
thanking me?”
“Because I was taught to say please and thank you. It’s polite.”
Van chuckled. “You are almost too sweet.”
“Is that bad?” Jeffery wrapped his arms around Van’s as they
stood under the spray.
“No. It’s nice. You’re nice.” Van kissed his ear. “I really like you,
Jeffery. I like you a lot.” Actually, what Van was feeling went a lot
deeper than like, but he didn’t know how he felt about having such a
strong emotional attachment to a man he really didn’t know all that
well.
“I like you, too.” Jeffery’s voice was very quiet and almost sad.
They disengaged and rinsed off.
Jeffery looked up at Van, and he had that dreamy expression on
his face. “Will you show me the rest?”
“The rest of what?”
“The rest of what we can do together.”
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Chapter 8
“I don’t know that we should.” Van turned off the water and
opened the plastic curtain.
“I’ll do whatever you say.” The last thing Jeffery wanted right
now was for this to end.
Van frowned as he handed Jeffery his towel. “That’s not what this
is about.” Van pulled his own towel off the hook and wrapped it
around his hips.
Jeffery followed suit. “Then what is this about?”
“It’s about making each other feel good.”
“I feel good.”
Van grinned. “Me, too.”
“I think we can make each other feel even better.”
Van met his gaze, and his face was at once predatory yet reluctant.
Almost as if he wanted exactly what Jeffery wanted but something
held him back. For the life of him, Jeffery thought some sense of
honor held Van back. Van wanted him, that much was clear, but he
seemed to feel that if he went too far he would be taking advantage.
“You’re not taking advantage of me. I’m old enough to decide for
myself what I want.” For the first time ever, Jeffery felt peaceful. He
was himself, and he didn’t want this feeling to end. There was no
shame gnawing at him over what they’d just done in the shower.
Having Van’s powerful body rubbing up on him as his hands stroked
his cock had felt spectacular. Jeffery felt embraced by him and urged
along a path to a shattering, soul-stealing climax.
“I know that, but I don’t want to rush you.” Van stroked his hand
down the center of Jeffery’s chest. “All this is new to you.”
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Jeffery understood why Van was reluctant, but there was a part of
Jeffery that felt tonight might be all they would ever have. If that was
the case, he wanted to know everything that he’d denied himself.
“I really like you, Jeffery. What you did today—damn. No one has
ever stood up for me like that.”
“I wanted to protect you.”
“I know. And you did. But I want to protect you, too.” Van sighed.
“Most of those guys are cool, they really are. They just went too far,
you know? I don’t want to do that to you.”
Jeffery nodded. “I didn’t like that they put you out there so
everyone could see you and make fun of you.” That was one of the
techniques they used at the camp. Being held up to public ridicule for
not toeing the line made Jeffery, who was terrified of being humiliated
to start with, absolutely petrified by the notion.
“You are so—” Van was cut off when another student came into
the shower area. “Ah, hell. Come on.”
They grabbed their dopp kits and returned to their room. Jeffery
returned his kit to the upper shelf, as did Van, and then he hung up his
towel to dry, as did Van.
“More of your mustache came off.” Jeffery touched the area below
his nose. “I still can’t believe they wrote on your face.”
“That whole thing got out of hand. I’m not sure why.” Van
laughed and shook his head.
“You’re not angry?”
“No. I give as good as I get. But something else seemed to be
going on. I mean, Flint brought a bunch of other guys with him. That
was just weird.”
“Weren’t you embarrassed to be dragged around naked?” Had it
happened to him, Jeffery knew he would have had a panic attack of
epic proportions.
“Eh.” Van shrugged. “So a bunch of guys got to see my junk. Who
cares? If they join the football team, they can see it every time we take
group showers.”
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51
Just the thought of being in a room full of naked guys, with
himself naked, too, had Jeffery’s heart bebopping. He found the
notion as arousing as he did terrifying.
“Hey, you gotta understand they really weren’t trying to hurt me.”
“Just humiliate you.”
“No. It’s just a joke. Really.” Van wrapped his arms around him,
pulling Jeffery against his powerful body. “You’re just very kind. You
would never have taken Flint’s robe in the first place.”
“No, I wouldn’t have.” Jeffery relaxed as soon as Van’s arms were
around him.
“See?” Van leaned back so he could look at Jeffery. “You’re way
smarter than I am.”
If I’m so smart, I should be able to find a way to get you to keep
going with what we’ve started. Since Jeffery knew actions spoke
louder than words, he shut his mouth, leaned up, and kissed Van.
Van growled and pulled him closer. The longer they kissed, the
harder the two of them got.
With a sigh, Van pulled away. “I really should get some sleep. I
have to get up early for the away game in Lone Pine tomorrow.”
“You’re leaving?” Again, panic tried to own him, but Jeffery
managed to push it away. Whatever that pill was, it certainly seemed
to help him keep his anxiety at bay. He felt his apprehension, as it was
always there, but it didn’t possess him. Somehow, the pill also blunted
the cruel voice and his own doubts. For the first time, words came
easily to him. Jeffery wasn’t second-, third-, and fourth-guessing
everything he said and did.
“Hey, whoa. It’s just an away game. We’re not even staying the
night this time.” Van kissed him softly. “We’re driving up early,
playing, then coming back.”
“You’ll sleep here Saturday night?”
Van nodded. “And since I probably won’t see any field time, I
won’t even be tired.”
“Why go if you don’t play?”
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“Because I want to support my teammates and I might play. I’m a
nickelback.”
Jeffery had no idea what that was.
“I’m the fifth defensive back during a certain type of play. I take a
linebacker’s place, usually. But see, the coach will only run that play
if the other team uses three or more wide receivers.”
“It sounds complicated.” Jeffery would read up on football so that
he could understand what Van was talking about.
“Once you see the game being played it makes more sense.
Haven’t you ever played?”
Jeffery shook his head. His parents had pulled him off the soccer
team after the incident because they thought that might have
contributed to Jeffery’s confusion about himself. He was no longer
allowed to play any sports at all lest they mix him up about his
orientation. Frankly, Jeffery wasn’t confused until everyone told him
he was and then tried to fix him. Five years and all they’d done was
bewilder him more.
“Why are you grinning like that?” Van kissed his forehead.
“I just don’t feel so confused anymore.”
When Van’s eyebrows slowly rose, Jeffery knew he’d just realized
something.
“You were confused about me?”
Jeffery shook his head. He knew he should tell Van everything,
but he was afraid that if he did, Van would pull away permanently.
Van was so normal. He wouldn’t want to be with someone who
wasn’t.
“I was confused about me. I overthink things.” It wasn’t a lie, but
it wasn’t the whole truth, either. Still, it seemed to pacify Van. To
distract him, Jeffery reached between their bodies and stroked Van’s
cock.
“I’m not going to get any sleep, am I?” Van asked playfully.
“Can’t you sleep on the bus?” Jeffery tightened his fist the way
Van had done when he was touching him. He knew he’d done it right
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when Van flicked his hips.
“Yeah. I can.” Van looked at his bed and then Jeffery’s. “Houston,
we have a problem.”
“What?” Jeffery looked at their beds, too. Had Flint and those
guys done something to them?
“We can’t fit together on one of those.”
Jeffery considered. “You’re right.” He looked at the floor space
between the beds. “Can we fit on the floor?”
“See? Smart.” Van let go of Jeffery then yanked the coverings off
his bed. He lifted the mattress and put it on the floor. He then put the
bedclothes on top. “Voilà!”
Van got under the covers then held the corner up for Jeffery.
He got in and snuggled against Van.
“Not a lot of room, but enough so we can sleep together.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Van kissed his forehead.
Jeffery captured his head and kissed his lips. He felt Van pulling
back subtly, so he pressed into him, and he kept right on pushing until
he had Van pinned on his back.
“Aggressive, aren’t you?” Van grasped Jeffery’s hands, and they
playfully struggled for the top position, but eventually, with his
superior strength, Van was on top of Jeffery. “Oh, you are sneaky.”
“What?”
“You got me right where you wanted me. Right on top of you.”
“Well, since you’re already there...” Jeffery nudged his hips up,
rubbing his cock against Van’s.
“Are you sure?” Van lifted up. “I just, I—hell. Who am I fooling?
I’m about going crazy wanting you.”
“You are?” Jeffery was pleased. “You hide it well.”
“You mean this big boner doesn’t give me away?” Van laughed
and then sobered. “I don’t have any condoms.”
“It’s not like you can get me pregnant.” Jeffery amazed himself
with his own ability to joke around.
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“Well, no, not that, but—diseases.”
“Oh.” Jeffery hadn’t thought of that. “But you said you were
always careful.”
“I always have been.”
“Then be careless with me.”
“This isn’t careless. It’s just”—Van took a deep breath—“are you
certain that you want your first time to be here, like this?”
“I’m positive.” Jeffery didn’t even have to think about it. He
wanted Van here, now. “Please. Show me. I want to know. I want to
feel what it’s like to just be...me.”
“No confusion?”
“None.” Moreover, no nagging voice, no self-criticism. “I feel that
this is right. It’s exactly who I am, and what I want.”
The look on Van’s face was tender. “I’ve never made—I want this
to be so good for you.”
Jeffery sensed Van had been on the verge of saying something
else, something revealing, but he stopped himself. Perhaps he had an
inner voice, too, and had those same insecurities just like Jeffery did.
Van just seemed better equipped to deal with them.
Van kissed his way down Jeffery’s chest. He paused and teased
his lips and fingertips over his nipples, which caused his cock to
twitch. It was so curious. Almost like there was a wire that ran
between his dick and his nipples. As Van continued to work his way
down, Jeffery tangled his fingers in his hair. Coffee-dark strands were
still damp from their shower, and soft. When Van eased his way
between Jeffery’s legs, he parted them willingly. With the cramped
quarters on the floor, Jeffery ended up with his legs under the beds on
either side of them.
Jeffery felt Van lift up, so he looked down to see what he was
doing. Van met his gaze, lifted Jeffery’s cock, and swiped his tongue
across the tip.
The sensation was so powerful that Jeffery couldn’t speak, blink,
or do anything but watch with absolute fascination as Van teased his
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tongue all over Jeffery’s cock. While he worked his mouth
everywhere, he cupped Jeffery’s balls into his palm, intensifying the
pleasure.
“I—I—”
“Don’t try to speak.” Van’s hot, moist voice wafted over Jeffery’s
cock and balls, adding another layer of sensation. “I can see
everything just looking at your face.”
Jeffery grinned and then tensed as his urge to climax hit him.
“Don’t worry.” Van rose up. “I’m not going to let you go off that
fast.” Rather than continue to torment his cock, Van focused his
attention on Jeffery’s thighs. “Here, lift your legs up onto the beds.”
With Van’s help, Jeffery had his legs lifted and spread, using the
beds to hold them up.
“Relax, okay?” Van grabbed the pillow off Jeffery’s bed and had
him tuck it behind his head so he was angled up from the floor. “You
wanted me to show you, so let me do that.”
Jeffery nodded.
Grinning, Van knelt down between Jeffery’s splayed legs. He then
leaned up and over him, reaching into the drawer above Jeffery’s
head. He removed a bottle, closed the drawer, then returned.
It was on the tip of Jeffery’s tongue to ask what the bottle was
filled with, but he didn’t. Van would show him when the time came.
With a deep breath, Jeffery relaxed against the pillow.
“Good.” Van kept his gaze pinned to Jeffery’s as he smoothed his
hands from his ankles all the way to his inner thighs. Cupping his
balls, he lifted them, holding them close to Jeffery’s cock while he
teased his finger around the sensitive flesh of Jeffery’s bottom.
“Oh.”
What he’d done in the shower was intensified now that his fingers
weren’t slippery from soap. More friction meant more sensations. In
order to hold still, Jeffery tucked his hands behind his head, locking
his fingers together.
“Look at your abs. Damn. That’s how you’re so strong. You turn
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all your sexual frustration into isometric exercises.”
Jeffery looked down and realized his chest, belly, and even his
legs were flexed. For the first time, he realized he was almost as buff
as Van.
“Relax. Deep breath.”
“It just feels so good I’m afraid I’ll climax.”
“I won’t let you.” Van gently tugged his balls down, and the urge
to climax passed. “Trust me. I can see when you’re getting close.
Okay?”
“Okay.” Jeffery relaxed because he did trust Van.
“One thing that will help is for you to breathe deeply and slowly.
Panting will make you come.”
Jeffery found that by focusing on his breathing he was able to feel
his arousal but not be consumed by it.
Around and around Van’s fingertip went. Just when Jeffery
thought he couldn’t take anymore, Van lowered his face and licked
him. It was so unexpected, so wickedly pleasurable, that Jeffery
uttered a high-pitched keening sound of surrender. He scrambled to
maintain his even breathing.
“Oh, you liked that, didn’t you?” Van teased gently as he tugged
Jeffery’s balls down.
“Yes. I—God, yes.” Jeffery parted his legs wider.
“That’s it. Relax. Let me make this so good for you.”
Van teased his hole with his breath, his tongue, and his swirling
finger. Jeffery swore he was floating up off the floor. With a few more
breaths, he’d hit the ceiling. He thought of his dreams where he was
rising like a balloon and panicking because he went too high. Here
and now, he felt butterflies in his belly, but there wasn’t any fear. This
was what he’d been longing to feel. He’d wanted to feel light and
filled with pleasure without having the horrid voice or his own self-
recriminating thoughts weighing him down.
“I’m going to make you ready for me.” Van retrieved the bottle
and poured some of the contents into his hand.
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Jeffery thought it was lotion until he smelled it. “It smells like
cherries.”
Van chuckled. “I thought that was kind of fitting, given the
situation.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re a virgin, right?”
“Yes.”
“In slang, a virgin is often called ‘cherry.’”
“Oh.” Jeffery laughed and then stopped suddenly.
“What?” Van held very still, obviously concerned that something
was wrong.
“No, it’s a good thing.” Jeffery met Van’s gaze. “I laughed at
myself and didn’t feel stupid or self-conscious. That’s never happened
to me before.”
“Good.” The smile that slowly spread across Van’s face was so
beautiful Jeffery wanted to kiss him almost desperately. “Want to
taste?”
Jeffery nodded.
Van swiped some of the lube across his bottom lip then kissed
Jeffery. The flavor of cherries was subtle and sexy.
“Is it because I taste bad?”
“God, no. You taste good.” Van moved back down, and now he
teased his slick finger around Jeffery’s hole. “This will slick you up
inside and let me keep licking you while I get you ready for more.”
Now Jeffery smiled.
“I see you like that idea.”
He nodded.
Van settled his finger at the center of Jeffery’s hole and then
slipped it inside. He did this slowly, while observing Jeffery’s face.
“Okay?”
Unable to speak, Jeffery nodded.
Lowering himself down, Van now added his thrusting finger to the
mix of his hot breath, his tongue, and the occasional gentle tugs on
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Jeffery’s balls.
When Jeffery closed his eyes, he was once again filled with an
almost-unbearable feeling of lightness. He was floating up, and he
never wanted to come back down.
Once Jeffery had grown accustomed to one finger, Van added
another, causing Jeffery to moan blissfully. When he added another,
Jeffery struggled to hold still.
“Breathe, baby. Deep, slow breaths.” Van gently tugged his balls
down, and the urge to climax passed. “You are so snug. You’re going
to feel so good around me.”
When Van rose above him, Jeffery opened his eyes and lifted his
arms to embrace him. He felt like he’d been waiting his whole life for
this, and he didn’t want to miss a moment.
“Slowly, okay? Don’t try to make me go faster.” Van pressed his
cock against Jeffery’s hole, and the pressure was almost mind-
blowingly intense. It didn’t hurt. It was just different and exciting.
“You okay? Talk to me here.”
“I feel good.”
“Oh, yeah. You do feel good.” Van eased forward until the head of
his cock was inside Jeffery’s bottom.
“Ooh.” Jeffery tried to keep his eyes open, but the feeling of
fullness was so powerful he couldn’t.
“Good?”
“Yes. Don’t stop. Please.”
“I won’t.” Van withdrew.
Jeffery grabbed his shoulders, clinging to him.
“Hey, whoa. This is how it has to be. A little in and then I go back
out. Trust me. If I do it this way, it’s gonna feel so good for you and
me. That’s what we want, right?”
“Yes.”
“Damn, you’re fucking gorgeous.” Van kissed him and eased back
inside a little deeper before he withdrew. He took a full breath and let
it out slowly.
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“Are you okay?” Jeffery cupped his hand to Van’s face. All this
time, Van had been so worried about him, and he’d not once been
concerned about Van. Jeffery wanted this to be good for him, too.
“I am struggling not to climax. I’ve never done this bareback.” At
Jeffery’s baffled expression, he clarified, “Without a condom. It feels
so damn good my balls are screaming for release. If not for what we
did in the shower, I know I would have blown just pressing against
you.”
Knowing that he had that effect on Van made him proud.
“Yeah, you should be a little arrogant about that.” Van kissed him.
“I’ve never felt this way with anyone before.”
“I’ve never felt this way at all.”
“I think that’s another part of what’s got me so amped up. Being
your first is exciting.” Van went a little deeper each time before he
withdrew. He struggled to keep his breathing even just like Jeffery
did. Eventually, he slid all the way within, and they both exhaled in
unison.
“Don’t move.” Van kept his weight off of Jeffery by balancing on
his elbows. “I just want to feel you.”
Lowering his head, Van kissed Jeffery, giving him another taste of
cherries. They traced their tongues lazily together, and they matched
their breathing rates. When Van rocked his hips, Jeffery wrapped his
legs around his body.
“So sweet. So very, very sweet.” Van pressed his forehead to
Jeffery’s as they rocked together. There was no rush. Between their
powerful bodies, Jeffery’s cock was trapped and pressed snuggly as
they moved.
“You feel so good. I feel like I’m floating.” It was the most
powerful feeling Jeffery had ever known. Nothing could ever match
this bliss. And it hadn’t hurt. Not one moment of pain.
“It’s like we were made for one another.”
Jeffery agreed by lifting his lips and kissing Van. He wanted to tell
him how impossibly good, how free he felt, but there were no words
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to describe what he was experiencing. All he could do was hold onto
him and utter plaintive moans of pleasure. Not once had he actually
believed he’d find this with another man, certainly not after all the
belittlement that he was inherently immoral for having sexual
longings for men in the first place.
“How could anything that feels this good be wrong?”
“It’s not wrong,” Van said. “Loving someone is never wrong.”
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Chapter 9
Loving someone is never wrong.
The words he’d just spoken repeated in Van’s head. Rather than
panic, he opened himself up to the rightness of the moment. He’d
never fallen in love. He’d been soundly in lust plenty of times, but
love was as elusive as it was terrifying. But here, now, with Jeffery on
their dorm room floor, everything was right.
“I was told that this was wrong.”
“Sex?” Van slowed his movements, wanting to drag out the
inevitable, but he also wanted to connect more deeply with Jeffery. He
was impossibly kind and innocent.
“Sex with another man is wrong.”
Something went cold inside of Van when a new explanation for
Jeffery’s panic attacks and his shocking lack of education about
anything sexual struck him. “Did your parents tell you that?”
Jeffery nodded and then looked away. “Please, I don’t want to talk
about them now. Not when this feels so beautiful. They were wrong.
They were all so very wrong. There’s nothing evil or immoral in
loving someone.”
“There isn’t.” And Van let the matter go, because right now
wasn’t the time. He wanted Jeffery’s first experience to be nothing
short of earthshaking. Invoking his parents’ homophobic crap was not
the way to make that happen, so instead, he kissed Jeffery tenderly
and murmured, “You feel perfect.”
“So do you.”
Jeffery’s eyes were unfocused and dreamy, making him look more
handsome than he had been in the shower. He was so open now. Gone
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was that fear and panic. It was almost as if the real Jeffery had finally
stepped forward. If Van had had even a smidgen in making that
happen, he was damn proud.
“Are you ready?” Van asked.
“I’m ready.”
“Just like what we did in the shower I want you to match my
breathing.” By breathing together, they synchronized their arousal. By
synchronizing their arousal they should be able to share a climax.
“Wait.”
Van stopped midstroke. “Are you—”
“Just a little more slipperiness will feel really good, I think.”
Jeffery retrieved the bottle of lube and greased up his cock. “Okay.”
Now when they pressed together, his prick slid between the
muscles of their bellies.
Van picked up the pace of his thrusts and his breathing.
Jeffery’s eyes closed. His head went back and to the side.
A crazy compulsion to bite him gripped Van, so he lowered his
mouth to Jeffery’s neck. When he bit him, Jeffery surged up, allowing
Van to slam down deep into him. He felt the precise second when
Jeffery came because he felt the pulse that shook his prick between
their stomachs.
Growling, Van lowered his hands to Jeffery’s buttocks and held
him as he pumped while he climaxed. He wanted to get as deep as he
could. As if he sensed his need, Jeffery widened the spread of his legs
and kept his feet on Van’s buttocks.
The moment spun out.
Van pumped in what seemed an endless loop. It was the most
astonishing climax he’d ever experienced. Below him, Jeffery
squirmed as he held himself open. After the longest time, Van
released his hold on Jeffery’s neck. He looked down to see he’d
marked him. A prideful smile lifted his lips. Jeffery was his. Only his.
The possessive thoughts were strangely frightening, but Van let that
go for now, too. Nothing about this had been like any other encounter
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63
he’d ever had. He had a feeling nothing would ever be the same again.
“Thank you. Thank you.” Jeffery captured Van’s head and kissed
him in between thanking him. “I feel so—I’ve never—I—thank you.”
“Shh.” Van eased some of his weight off Jeffery by getting onto
his elbows. “Relax. Just stay in this moment. Feel everything.”
Jeffery relaxed his hold on Van and traced his fingertips over his
back in ever-expanding circles. It was calming and seductive all at the
same time.
“Did that hurt? Where I bit you?”
“A little, but it was more arousing than painful.”
Van nuzzled his neck, trying to take the sting away from where
he’d bitten him.
“Is there a mark?”
“Yeah.” Van lifted up. “Are you pissed?”
“No.” Jeffery touched the spot. “I’m pleased.”
“Me, too. I know this is macho and arrogant, but I wanted to mark
you so everyone would know you were taken.”
“I guess I should be relieved you only bit me.”
“What? Why?”
“Well, you could have gotten a marker and scrawled your name on
my forehead.”
Van lifted himself up a bit and laughed. “I think we should refrain
from drawing on one another.”
“Probably a good idea.” Jeffery peered at him and frowned. “Hey,
more of it came off.”
“Really?”
“Oh, I think I know.” Jeffery reached between their bodies then
smeared his finger over Van’s upper lip. “The lube seems to help it
come off.”
“Had I known, I would have tongue fucked you longer.”
“And I would have climaxed sooner.”
“You really liked that, huh?”
“Oh, yes.” Jeffery nodded enthusiastically. “I want to do that to
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you.”
“I’d like that. But not tonight. You ready to sleep?”
“I am. Do you want to set your bed back up?”
“No way. We’re sleeping here.” Van lifted up slowly and pulled
out of Jeffery. “That’s the saddest part.”
His uplifted brows asked the question.
“Pulling out. If I could, I’d stay buried in your sweet ass all night.”
After another round of tender kisses, Jeffery rolled to his side and
Van spooned him. Funny. He’d never liked to snuggle afterward
before, but with Jeffery, it just felt right. Actually, it felt more than
that. It felt perfect. Jeffery fit him so well it really was as if they were
made to be together. Van might have panicked at that, but after
everything that had happened in the last day, he no longer worried
about such intense thoughts or feelings.
Whatever this was with Jeffery, it was as compelling as it was
unique. Rather than wrap himself up in knots over what it was
exactly, or where they were going, Van snuggled Jeffery a little tighter
and thought he should just enjoy the ride.
Van woke to pounding at their door.
Jeffery startled out of his arms and gained his feet so fast it was
uncanny. With that kind of speed, he should definitely play sports.
“Get your ass up, Zanty. We got a four-hour bus ride so we can
kick some wolf ass!” Flint yelled through the door, pounded on it half
a dozen more times, and then called, “You hear me?”
“Nice wake-up call, fuckwad!”
“You don’t like it, you can suck it.”
Instead of returning the snark, Van laughed and shook his head.
“I’ll be out in five minutes.” He looked around. “Jeffery?” He was
curled up under the covers of his bed. When he didn’t respond, Van
got up and settled next to him. “Sorry about that. But remember I told
you I had an away game today. Flint was just waking me up.” Van
hated to do this, but he had no choice. “I have to go.”
Jeffery’s eyes were huge, and his breathing was shallow.
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65
Van’s gut was telling him this was a lot more than being startled
awake. “Jeffery?” Van reached out to cup his head, and Jeffery
smacked his hand away.
“No touching! There can never be any touching! Touching leads
to wrong thoughts.” Jeffery lifted the blue band on his wrist until it
was as taut as it would go, and then he released it. The band of rubber
hit his wrist so hard it left a welt.
Van pulled his hand back. What the hell was going on? Jeffery
was one step away from another full-blown panic attack. Something
in Van’s heart broke that all the progress they’d made last night, all
the incredible feelings they’d shared, were washed away in the harsh
light of day.
Keeping his voice very low and quiet, Van asked, “What’s
wrong?”
“Why was I in bed with you?”
Baffled, Van didn’t know how to answer that. Not exactly. So he
turned the question back on Jeffery. “Don’t you remember last night?”
“Last night?” Jeffery blinked rapidly as if he were trying to
mentally review the last twenty-four hours.
“We—” made love all night is what Van wanted to say but
stopped himself. Not only was he surprised to hear himself think that
particular phrase, but he had a feeling that saying it out loud would
only inspire Jeffery to greater heights of panic. This had all the
earmarks of a situation that could put Jeffery right back in the
hospital. Recalling the information he’d learned yesterday while
devouring everything Mr. Donatello had given him about anxiety
disorders, Van remembered the most important thing to do with
someone who was having a panic attack was to remain calm. He
wouldn’t be able to help Jeffery if he allowed his fear and
apprehension to show. So Van took a deep breath and centered
himself. The second most important thing was not to be dismissive of
his fears. To Jeffery, those concerns were very real. Acting like they
weren’t would only entrench him in greater panic.
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“Jeffery, I would like it if you could tell me what’s wrong.” Van
hoped that was the right thing to say. He’d read everything quickly,
but the truth was he was just winging it.
Rather than answer, Jeffery looked at him and made a face. “I—
you—this is wrong.”
“What’s wrong? Can you tell me more specifically?”
“Me. I’m what’s wrong. I’m always what’s wrong.”
Van wanted to comfort him, but when he touched Jeffery, that
seemed to make his panic worse, so Van kept his hands to himself.
“Can you take a deep breath for me?”
Jeffery breathed through his nose a few times very fast, but after a
few moments, he drew deeper, slower breaths.
“Good. That’s really good.” Van stayed very still at Jeffery’s
bedside. “I want to get you some help.”
“No! Don’t make me go back to the hospital or my parents will
take me back to that camp!”
Van’s stomach rolled. Camp. He’d heard about places disguised as
summer camps where parents would send their out-of-control teens,
but he’d also heard about places where they shipped them off to “fix”
their orientation.
“There’s no reason to call the hospital. Take a deep breath again,
okay?”
Jeffery nodded and did his best to breathe deeply. “I’m afraid.”
“I know. You’re doing great, Jeffery. Really. I’m not going to
leave, but I’m going to go to the door. Is that okay?”
Jeffery looked at him, the door, then darted his gaze back and
forth half a dozen times before he nodded.
“Okay. I’m standing up now.” Van actually moved back from
Jeffery’s bed before he stood all the way up. The last thing he wanted
to do was loom his height over him. Once he was away, he grabbed
his jeans off the floor and pulled them on. “I’m just going to check the
door, okay?”
Jeffery nodded very fast.
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67
“Deep breath.” Van took one, held it, then slowly let it out.
Jeffery mimicked him.
“I’m going to open the door just to check the hall.”
“Don’t let them in.”
“I won’t.” Van didn’t ask who he was afraid of since he had a
sneaking suspicion right now Jeffery was terrified of everyone. When
he opened the door, he caught Flint with his fist at the ready to bang.
“Please don’t.” Van kept his voice low. “He’s in trouble.”
Something in his stance or voice alerted Flint that he wasn’t
fucking around. Flint frowned and lowered his hand. His bloody nose
from yesterday had bloomed into two pretty spectacular shiners. Flint
was going to put the fear of God in the Lone Pine Wolves today with
how scary his face looked.
“Please don’t let anyone else pound on the door. He’s having
another panic attack.”
“Shit. From me knocking? I didn’t mean to freak him out.”
“I know. And I don’t think that’s it. Just—tell Coach I’m not
coming. I can’t leave him.”
Flint nodded. “But the other guys.” He frowned as he looked
down the hall.
“Those who aren’t going to the game are going to sleep in. It’s
Saturday. Just let the team know, okay?”
“Sure. And I’m really sorry. Shit. I’ve fucked up more in twenty-
four hours than I have in my whole life.”
“It’s not you, and it’s not Jeffery. I think—I think he went to one
of those gay-away camps.”
Flint’s jaw dropped. “Holy fucking hell.”
“Yeah.” One of the classes Van and Flint shared was introduction
to psychology. One of the topics they’d discussed was mind-washing
techniques. It included a brief but terrifying discussion of reeducation
camps, and that included those places that purported to reorient a gay
teenager. “That would explain everything, but I don’t know for sure,
and I don’t want him labeled.” Van glanced over and discovered that
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Jeffery was taking slow, deep breaths as he stayed curled on his bed
with his eyes closed.
Flint’s features softened, which somehow highlighted the bruise
that ran across his face from Jeffery’s blow. “He’s a nice kid. I really
don’t want him hurt.”
“I know. He’s sorry about your nose.”
“He was defending you.” Insight caused Flint’s eyes to widen.
“And probably made him realize that he likes you, and that’s going to
conflict with all the crap they put in his head.”
When another player came to the door, Flint held him back.
“I can help.”
Van frowned. He vaguely knew the guy. There was something sort
of familiar about his long black hair and really bright blue eyes. “How
do you even know what’s going on?”
“I know Jeffery is having a panic attack like he did yesterday on
the quad. Please, let me help.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Josh. Josh Ratcliff.”
Van wasn’t sure what prompted him to have faith in Josh, but he
trusted his instincts and opened the door.
Josh stepped in but turned back to Flint. “Please, stand here at the
door. Don’t let anyone knock.” Flint frowned and opened his mouth to
protest, but Josh cut him off. “Five minutes. Please. I know you want
to get on the bus and go kick some Lone Pine Wolves’ butts. So do I.
But I need five mutes to help Jeffery.”
Obviously torn, Flint nodded. “Just—yeah. Sure. I’d be happy to
help.”
As they closed the door, Flint turned to stand guard.
Van wasn’t sure why, but he felt safer already.
Josh approached the bed. “Jeffery? Do you remember me?”
Jeffery opened his cornflower-blue eyes. In his panic, his freckles
seemed darker across the bridge of his nose. Jeffery frowned, but it
was one of puzzlement, not fear or dismissal.
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“I want to help you. Will you let me help you?” Josh settled on the
bed where Van had been sitting just moments ago.
“Can you?”
“I can.” Josh reached out his hand but didn’t touch Jeffery. “Take
my hand.”
Jeffery looked at Josh’s offered hand then up to Van.
“It’s okay,” Van said, unsure what the hell was going on, but
Jeffery seemed to calm just by Josh being in the room, so he went
with it.
Tentatively, Jeffery took Josh’s hand.
“I want to help you. I can feel what they did to you.”
“You can?”
Solemnly, Josh nodded. “They hurt you for no other reason than to
try to fix what wasn’t broken.”
Jeffery’s whole demeanor changed from one of fear to one of
relief. “Did they hurt you, too?”
“No. Not me. But I can help if you’ll let me.” Josh leaned over
Jeffery and kissed him.
Jealousy ripped through Van, urging him to wrench Josh off of his
mate.
Mate? Before Van had a chance to ponder the weirdness of that
notion, Josh pulled away from Jeffery, grasped Van’s nearest belt loop
on his jeans, which pulled him off-kilter, plopping him down on
Jeffery’s bed. Josh pulled Van near and kissed him while breathing
out. Josh took the breath he’d stolen from Jeffery and pushed it into
Van. Josh turned right back around and took another breath from
Jeffery and pushed it into Van.
Dizzy, Van tried to move back, but he couldn’t, because he really
didn’t want to. Whatever Josh was doing felt good. Really good. Like
almost as good as what Van had felt with Jeffery last night.
Van glanced over and found that Jeffery was relaxed on his bed.
He wasn’t fighting what Josh was doing, but seemed to welcome each
kiss. Acceptance replaced the jealousy that had swamped Van just
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moments ago. This would help Jeffery. Van felt that truth right down
to his toes. When Josh came around to kiss and breathe into him
again, Van accepted.
After several passes, all three of them climaxed, and Josh stopped.
“Wow.” He shook his head. “This just gets more intense each time I
do it.”
“What did you do?” Van was so dizzy he was barely able to string
a coherent sentence together.
“Last night, you two bound your souls. I just twinned them.” Josh
looked down. “And gave myself a huge wet spot on my jeans. Shit.”
He laughed, clapped Van on the shoulder, then said, “Welcome to the
bear-shifting brotherhood of the Twin Pines Grizzlies.”
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Chapter 10
Information exploded in Jeffery’s mind. He and Van were part of
a brotherhood of bear-shifting men who made their own version of a
family. They had just gotten through their first year together, and so
much had happened that Jeffery couldn’t absorb all the knowledge at
once. But he knew enough to know he’d just become a member of a
homosexual organization.
“Better to commit suicide than openly embrace the homosexual
life.” The words filled Jeffery’s mind as he spoke them.
Josh stood. “What?”
“Better to commit suicide than openly embrace the homosexual
life. Better to commit suicide than openly embrace the homosexual
life.” The voice was screaming the words in his head, and Jeffery
spoke them aloud. It felt almost as if the voice had commandeered his
body and was moving his mouth around like a ventriloquist with his
dummy.
“Oh, shit.” Josh pressed his hands to his ears.
“He’s screaming in my head!” Van also covered up his ears in a
desperate attempt to drown out the voice.
Jeffery knew that wouldn’t work. He started humming, but that
wouldn’t make it stop in his own head, and somehow, by what Josh
had done to him, Jeffery knew he was spilling the voice into the
minds of every man in the brotherhood.
“Better to commit suicide than openly embrace the homosexual
life.”
“Jeffery, stop. Please.” Josh reached for him, but Jeffery plastered
himself against the wall.
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“No touching! There can’t be any touching. Touching makes for
wrong thoughts.” Jeffery wanted to calm down. He wanted to stop
hurting people who were only trying to help him, but he couldn’t get
the voice to shut up. All his confidence and joy from yesterday
evaporated. “The pills.”
Van winced. It was clear he was trying to understand what Jeffery
was saying as the voice continued to shout things at the group. It was
in Jeffery’s head, but he didn’t know how to make it stop. The voice
didn’t want to stop. It was almost gleeful that it had found a way to
infiltrate the minds of over twenty gay men and harangue them.
As Jeffery struggled to move, to get to his pants that were
abandoned on the floor, the pants with the magical pills in the pocket,
he felt immobilized by the voice. It was as if it had somehow gained a
corporeal body and held him fast.
“Pills?” Van was still wincing, but now blood trickled out his
nose, causing a new surge of panic to explode in Jeffery’s mind.
“Better to commit suicide than openly embrace the homosexual
life.”
The voice was going to kill them all. The voice was going to use
Jeffery to kill all those innocent men who only wanted to embrace him
and give him a safe place to be who he was.
“Pants. My pants.” Jeffery couldn’t even lift his arms to point.
All the while the voice screamed.
Van dropped to his knees, crawled over Josh, and found Jeffery’s
pants. From the front pocket he took the bottle of pills and made his
way back to the bed. The closer he came the louder the voice
screamed, as if it knew the pills would kill it.
“Here!” Van tossed the bottle.
Jeffery struggled to get it open, and when he did, he scattered the
pills over his bed top. With his hands shaking from the impact of the
voice, he had no fine motor control, so he leaned over and used his
lips to pull a pill into his mouth.
Pushing himself into the corner, Jeffery wrapped his arms around
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73
his knees, and then hummed to himself, waiting for the pill to work.
With excruciating slowness, the volume of the voice lowered until it
was easily drowned out by his humming. Eventually, it was gone.
Van leaned in and took Jeffery’s hand.
“Are you okay?”
“For now. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Jeffery wiped at the blood
under Van’s nose.
“I’m okay.” Van reached down and lifted Josh up. His lower face
and his shirt were saturated in blood. “Josh?”
Josh’s eyes rolled, trying to focus on them, but he couldn’t quite
get there.
“He’s the nexus. Our mental communications run through him.”
Jeffery felt panic start to grow, but he pushed it away. If not for the
pills, Josh might have died along with everyone else. “He got the
brunt of the voice.”
Van grabbed a sock off the floor and pressed it against the bottom
of Josh’s nose as he tilted his head back.
“I’ll be okay. Just give me a minute here.” Josh held onto the sock,
so Van let go.
“What the hell was that?” Van grabbed his T-shirt off the floor
and wiped up Jeffery’s face then his own.
“I call it the voice. At camp, they would chant these slogans until
they just echoed in my head.” Jeffery reached out for Van. “I’m so
sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Van settled on the bed next to Jeffery, pulled
him into his arms, and held him. “You went to one of those fucked-up
camps, didn’t you?”
Jeffery nodded against his chest. All the information was there for
him to see in his mind, but after that mental blast, Van probably didn’t
feel like connecting to Jeffery’s mind, so rather than having him read
it, he simply told him. “It was called Take Action, and they made it
seem like by eating, living, and working right, someone like me could
change their orientation. All I had to do was take action and make the
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right choices.”
“Fuckers.” Van’s arms tightened. “How long were you there?”
“Every summer for the last five years.”
“Jesus.” Van kissed the top of Jeffery’s head. “It’s a wonder
you’re even sane.”
“I don’t think I am.” Jeffery kept his voice very low.
“You are sane, Jeffery.” Van squeezed him a little tighter. “You
just need help to undo what they did.”
“I just need the pills.”
Van grabbed the bottle, but he didn’t know what the chemical
was, so he looked it up on his phone. “Okay, yeah, no wonder those
are working. It’s a powerful tranquilizer. But you can’t take this every
day. You’ll be a junky.” Van showed him the info that scrolled up on
his phone. The pills worked like a charm, but they were also
extremely addictive.
“But without them, I’ll kill everyone in the brotherhood.” Jeffery
couldn’t believe that after feeling like an outsider in his own life,
when he finally met a group who would love him like a brother and
welcome him for exactly who he was, there was something in him that
would kill them all for that same acceptance.
“We’ll figure something out.” Van was shaking from the adrenalin
shock. Quietly, he asked, “You were on one last night, weren’t you?”
Jeffery nodded. He felt Van’s disappointment and had no idea
what to do to combat it. “I didn’t come to you because I was high. I
was able to be with you without self-recriminations because the pill
banished the voice.”
“I didn’t say—I never—hell. Okay, yeah, I was worried about
that.”
“My feelings for you are genuine.”
“I know. I just—I guess I was afraid after how perfect last night
was and then your reaction this morning.”
“Because as soon as the pill wore off, the voice was back. And it’s
going to keep coming back.”
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“We’ll fix this, Jeffery.”
“Hopefully before I kill a bunch of innocent men. Maybe I should
just kill myself.” That had always been their final solution at the
camp. If Jeffery couldn’t get his life together, it would be better to end
it.
“I don’t want to hear that shit.” Van tilted his face up, forcing
Jeffery to look at him. “That’s not a solution. That’s fucking bullshit.”
Van was beyond adamant. “Say it. Say that suicide is not the answer.”
“Suicide isn’t the answer.” Jeffery realized that Van was truly
terrified that Jeffery would take that drastic step. “I don’t want to die.
I want to be me. I want to be happy.”
“We’re going to find a way to make that happen.”
Josh got up off the floor and settled on the edge of the bed. “This
is really my fault. I thought by bringing you into a group who would
be happy to have you for exactly who you are, it would fix things. I’m
really sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, just like it’s not Jeffery’s fault, either. It’s
those idiots at that camp.” Van kissed Jeffery’s head forcefully,
almost as if by doing so he could suck their venom right out of
Jeffery’s mind. “We’ll find a way. If there was a way for them to stick
that shit in your head, there sure as shit must be a way to get it out of
there.”
What if there isn’t? Jeffery didn’t ask the question aloud, and he
was careful to keep it buried deeply in his mental landscape, but the
fact remained that if they couldn’t fix him, they only had two
choices—drug him or kill him so he wasn’t a danger to them any
longer. In an equation of one man or over twenty, it was obvious to
Jeffery what choice they were going to have to make.
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Chapter 11
“Shifting helps with physical ailments, but we’ve never had
anyone in the group who has suffered a severe mental injury such as
brainwashing.”
Van listened as Danny Jones, leader of their brotherhood,
discussed possible solutions to Jeffery’s dilemma. Hell. At this point
it was no longer just Jeffery’s problem. That screaming voice could
kill all of them unless they found a way to shut it off. Van, Jeffery,
and Josh weren’t the only ones to suffer bloody noses. Every man in
the brotherhood had bled, even those who had been preparing for the
football game. Thanks to some quick thinking, they’d covered for the
incident, but they wouldn’t be able to keep that up indefinitely. For
the moment, they were keeping Jeffery on the tranquilizers, but that
was only a short-term solution.
“We had one member, Mitch, who was injured and didn’t have
full use of his legs. By shifting with his twin, Dustin, Mitch was
restored to full functionality.”
“And my crappy vision was fixed, too,” Dustin noted.
All the available members of the group were gathered in the
enormous parlor of Phillip Remson’s home. They had meetings at
least once a month, if not more often, to discuss whatever issues they
had, or simply to enjoy one another’s company. With many of the
earlier members of the group now graduated from college, they had
chosen to live here with Phillip and work on other projects.
Van would think a man able to afford a place like this would want
privacy for himself and his twin, but Phillip loved having people
living with him, especially since he had room to spare. Also, his
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butler, a fastidious man named Wilkins, was overjoyed to have more
people to fuss over. If he had his way, every room would be filled.
Given how their group was growing, they just might. Provided they
could find a way to silence the voice.
“Still, we should have them shift, just to see if that does improve
the situation,” Phillip eased back into his twin’s arms.
“What if that makes matters worse?” Ryan asked, holding Phillip
close. “Right now he’s sedated, but shifting might rid the drug from
his system, and then what would happen if he were bound up with
Van inside their bear body?”
It was a good point. The discussion ranged around from topic to
topic with everyone tossing out their opinion. Jeffery sat next to Van
without contributing anything. He was very still, very quiet, almost as
if he was worried that if he dared to move or speak the voice would
rain down hellfire on all of them.
“I’m sorry that everyone’s talking about you like you’re not here,”
Van murmured softly into Jeffery’s ear.
“It’s okay. I know they are trying to help.” Jeffery had found a
way to shield his mind from the group. At first, Van thought that was
good, perhaps even a way to corral the voice, but he realized it was a
way for Jeffery to isolate himself. On the way up here, as Van held
Jeffery close in the back of Phillip’s limo, he’d scrolled through his
phone seeking information on the techniques used at the camp. One of
the more destructive ones used was isolating the wrongdoers, so the
last thing he wanted Jeffery to do was be alone or even feel that he
was alone.
“How did all of this even start with your parents? How did they
even come up with this idea?” Van had a million questions about
Jeffery’s situation, and with the wall up he had to ask, because he
wasn’t going to be mentally invited in.
“I was thirteen. I was in Mrs. Warton’s eighth-grade English class.
This boy entered. He was so handsome.” Jeffery turned to look at
Van. “He could be the younger version of you.”
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Van grinned and realized the other men had ceased their
discussions to listen to Jeffery.
“He had the wrong class, but rather than become embarrassed, he
laughed and simply turned around and left. I was fascinated by his
ability to do that. What would it be like to not be mortified at the
thought of doing something wrong in public and then being held up to
ridicule?”
Van now thought he understood the source of Jeffery’s panic
attacks.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about that boy. I never did learn his
name, but I wrote stories about him in my notebook. Just imaginings
at first, but they became progressively more provocative. I guess I was
simply using the stories to fantasize about him.” Jeffery paused,
frowned, and then shook his head. “When I think back now, those
stories were so innocent. Holding hands, kissing, and sitting side by
side as close as we could.”
Jeffery stopped speaking, and everyone was waiting for him to
continue. “Jeffery?” Van finally prompted.
“Sorry. I was just recalling them. Anyway, there was a fire drill,
and everyone had to leave their things and exit the school. My teacher
was the last to leave, and something about my notebook caught her
eye. I don’t know what, but she read it.”
“Nosy bitch,” Van snarled.
“She kept the notebook and gave it to the principal, who in turn
showed my parents.”
“Who completely freaked out,” Van guessed.
“They were livid. I wasn’t allowed to play soccer anymore. I
wasn’t allowed to do any extracurricular activities. I was driven to
school even though it was only five blocks away, and I was picked up
after. They insisted on a very rigid dress code.” Jeffery looked at his
button-down shirt, khaki pants, loafers—all clean, pressed, and rather
blah. “I never went anywhere unless one of my parents was with me. I
couldn’t even go to use a public bathroom alone.” Jeffery swallowed
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back tears. “My mother would take me into the women’s restroom
with her.”
“And you were thirteen?”
“Not just then but always. She did this just last month when she
drove me up here. At the rest area I had to use the ladies’ room while
she stood outside the stall door.”
No one said anything as the horror of that sunk in.
“The camp was a way for them to have time off from dealing with
me. They figured I’d be safe from roving homosexuals there.” Jeffery
lowered his head and ran his finger along the seam of his khaki pants.
“I told them what the people at the camp did to me, and my parents
said good, I clearly deserved the punishments. But I never broke the
rules. Not once. And they punished me anyway.”
Van didn’t want to hear anymore. His heart simply couldn’t bear
the idea of Jeffery being brutalized, but he recognized Jeffery’s need
to speak about what happened to him.
“Once the people at the camp found out about my fear of public
humiliation, they used that to reinforce the teachings. I had to repeat
those lines, the ones that I was screaming at all of you, until my voice
was hoarse. Sometimes they would make me stand with a rock in
either hand. Not a big rock. But I had to hold my arms out like Jesus
on the cross and repeat those sayings. My arms would shake, and I’d
feel so sick with dread. When I had a panic attack, they said that was
my resistance to the teachings, and they just punished me harder. They
encouraged my parents to continue this abuse at home.” Jeffery leaned
into Van. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to.” Van wrapped him up in his arms
and held him close. “Do you want to shift and see what happens?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Jeffery pulled back so he could look at
Van’s face. “I won’t do it if it might hurt you.”
“We have to try something.”
“Maybe there’s another way.” Danny looked around at the group.
“Remember when Ryan was in the hospital and all of us joined
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together to help twin him and Phillip?”
Everyone nodded, and by accessing the collective consciousness
they shared, Van was able to recall that moment almost as clearly as if
he’d been there with them.
“What if we did something like that with Jeffery?”
Everyone considered.
“That way the drug stays in his system, since Jeffery isn’t shifted
into Van. We can all lend support mentally without being bonded to
him.” Danny frowned as he considered. “It’s too bad Dylan isn’t
here.” Danny winced. “Sorry, Josh. I wasn’t slighting you, just—”
“Dylan was here for that deal with Ryan.” Josh lifted his hand.
“No harm, no foul. Really. I’m willing to give it a try, since it was my
bright idea that made this mess.”
“No. My parents’ notion of what was right and wrong made this
mess.” Jeffery slumped down, clearly miserable.
“What if we just make it worse?” Van asked. “I mean, aren’t we
doing the same thing? Going in there and messing with his mind?
Putting in our own version of what’s right?”
Everyone turned to look at Kyle Water, who everyone called
Water. He lifted his hands in a pose of surrender or warding off. “Hey,
I have my degree now, and I’ve been reading up on this, but I’m still a
layman in psychology.”
“You’re the closest thing to an expert we have. It’s not like we can
go get a shrink to consult on this.” Danny took a sip of whatever it
was he was drinking. Van wasn’t certain, but he swore it looked like
grape Kool-Aid.
“I’m willing to discuss the issue and do whatever the group thinks
is best, but I’m a little worried to have the responsibility put on me.”
Water grimaced.
“Hey, whoa, and just a minute.” Matthew, Danny’s twin, moved
forward earnestly, resting his arms on his knees. “No one is under the
gun here. Not even Jeffery. This is a problem for all of us. We’re a
family. Whatever we decide to do, we do as a group, and there’s no
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blame or recriminations.”
Danny leaned on him. “Thank you. I couldn’t have said it better
myself.”
“Sorry, I just—this is scary, because if we do nothing we could
die. That nosebleed was due to skyrocketing blood pressure. If it had
kept going, we’d all have popped.”
Jeffery shivered and pressed more firmly against Van.
“What if we all took tranquilizers?” Ryan suggested. “That way, if
the voice started up, we wouldn’t panic. Without a massive adrenalin
dose, we should be able to keep our blood pressure down, too.”
“That’s a good idea.” Danny nodded thoughtfully.
“All this and brains, too,” Phillip said, kissing Ryan’s cheek.
“How did I get so lucky?”
“Clean living?”
“Or something.”
“But, what are we going to do once we get inside Jeffery’s brain?”
Adrian asked. “It’s not like a filing cabinet we can just reorganize.”
“I guess that’s where I come in,” Water said. “If they implanted
the thoughts, we should be able to contain them, or better yet, replace
them.”
“Like rewriting over a bad sector on a disk?” Logan asked.
“Sort of. But, well, a bad sector—let’s just use the analogy of
removing a virus from his brain. We’ll quarantine it first, remove it,
and then do a little cleanup so the data around it isn’t damaged.”
“He’s not a computer.” Van felt awful that they were talking about
Jeffery this way. He understood, to a degree, but he also couldn’t
escape his own guilt.
“It’s okay. I get what they’re saying. It’s like a book in the library
that someone defaced. We repair it if we can.” Jeffery let the rest of
that thought remain unspoken. But Van heard it anyway. If they
couldn’t repair it, they replaced it. In Van’s mind, Jeffery was
irreplaceable. “I want to try this as long as everyone is safe.”
“We will be,” Danny assured him. “Ryan’s idea of tranqs all
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around is good. We’ll be relaxed, open, and yet not so knocked out we
can’t react or adapt to whatever happens. And for what it’s worth, we
understand that it isn’t you who feels this way, Jeffery. It’s what they
put in you. Do you get that?”
“I guess.” Jeffery didn’t sound so certain.
“You need to do more than guess.” Water stood and walked over
to where Van and Jeffery were seated. He crouched down in front of
Jeffery and took his hand. “The panic attacks you have are because
they programmed you to react in a certain way when confronted with
certain things. Like me touching your hand. If not for the tranquilizer,
the voice would scream at you that one man touching another man is
always wrong when intellectually, you know that isn’t true. All I’m
doing is holding your hand to comfort you. There’s nothing sexual
here. Right?”
“Right.” Jeffery nodded.
“But you see, the programming they gave you is black-and-white
thinking. All male touches are bad and should be avoided. All male
friendships are dangerous and should be avoided. Anything that
crosses those rigid black-and-white lines sets up this confusion in you.
Intuitively, you know what’s right and wrong, but the programming
they gave you refuses to let you account for that. That’s why
computers, as sophisticated as they are, will never replace humans.
They don’t have that capacity to sift through nuances.”
“So they tried to make my mind like a computer?”
“They did.” Kyle kept a hold of his hand, and Van wondered if in
his own way, Water was reading deeper into Jeffery by doing so.
“They wanted automatic reactions, not careful consideration. In order
to change you, they had to take the right of conscious decision away
from you. Frankly, I’m impressed at how you’ve managed to survive.”
“I stayed away from anything that set it off.”
“And yet your parents kept punishing you anyway.” Water
frowned. “I will never understand how those who are supposed to love
unconditionally, like a parent with a child, can be so terribly cruel
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when they feel threatened.”
“Is that why they did that?” Jeffery sounded utterly baffled and
hurt by his parents’ behavior toward him.
“They weren’t mad at you. They were mad at themselves for what
they perceived as their failure. If you were attracted to men, it must be
because of something they did.”
“But it wasn’t.”
“I know that, and you know that, but I don’t think your parents do.
They see you as an extension of themselves, not an individual in your
own right. If you do something wrong, it’s a reflection on their
parenting skills.”
“So if I was gay, they would blame themselves.”
“Exactly. That’s why they went to such extremes to change you
into what they deem is right and appropriate. I wouldn’t be surprised
if your father either has had a homosexual relationship or at least
uncomfortable feelings toward another man. Or a woman, in your
mother’s case.”
“But if they hate homosexuality so much, how does that make
sense?”
“If they never addressed those feelings, or worse, if they
suppressed them, they might feel that you are their punishment for
those inappropriate feelings. Like that saying of the father’s sins being
visited on the son.”
What Water was saying made perfect sense to Van. As tragic as
the situation was, and as furious as he was with Jeffery’s parents, in a
way, he felt sorry for them. “They honestly thought they were helping
Jeffery.”
“I think so.” Water squeezed Jeffery’s hand. “They aren’t sadists
out to hurt you for the fun of it. Parents punish a child for
inappropriate behavior. Their goal is to get their child to do what they
want him to do, not punish him for the sake of punishment. As cruel
and heartless as what they did is, they were doing what they thought
would ultimately help their child. Honestly, they may not know that
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the camp put that suicide garbage in his head. I don’t think your
parents believe that.”
“Right,” Van said. “Why would they spend all that time, effort,
and money for Jeffery to take his own life?”
“Exactly.”
“It’s not much, I know, but understanding their motivation can
also help you reconcile your relationship with them.”
“They were loving me in the only way they could?”
“In a sense. Yeah. Like your father couldn’t hug you or express
love because you see how we go back to that very rigid black-or-white
thinking? Any touch from any man is always wrong, even if it’s a
loving hug from your father. That’s why those types of mind-changing
techniques rarely work out in the real world. There are simply too
many variables.”
“And you call yourself a layman psychologist?” Van was in awe
of the man.
“I still have a long way to go. But I think I can help here. At least,
I want to try.” Water peered up at Jeffery. “Do you want to try?”
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Chapter 12
“Close your eyes and join hands.”
Jeffery was at the top of the loose circle of men, lying on his back,
as they were all seated around him. Van was on his left, and Water
was on his right.
Jeffery reached out and clasped their hands, noting that Van’s was
cold because he was nervous, and Water’s was warm because he was
determined to do his best.
Mentally, Jeffery had to pull down the wall he’d put up to shield
his thoughts, which was scary, but the possibly of being free of the
voice compelled him to do whatever he had to. More than anything,
Jeffery wanted to be normal. He wanted to feel his feelings and
embrace all that life had to offer without the constant conflicts.
“Everyone needs to take a deep breath and let it out,” Water said.
“Follow my example.”
By breathing together as a group, they calmed and focused their
thoughts.
“Josh? I can feel you resisting.”
“Sorry, I’m just a little afraid.”
“Relax. We’re not shifting into him. We’re not doing anything
that will harm him or any of us.”
All of the men had taken half of one of Jeffery’s pills, so most of
them were relaxed, but after the massive blast Josh had gotten earlier,
it wasn’t any surprise to Jeffery that he was leery of having them run
their mental communication through him again.
“Slow, even, deep breaths.” Water continued with this until
everyone, including Josh, was relaxed. Jeffery was so comfortable he
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was almost on the verge of falling asleep.
“Now all of you are going to support me as I go into Jeffery’s
mind.” Water mentally moved forward.
Jeffery pictured his head like the side of a mountain with his
mouth as a cave. Water walked into that cave, and there at the back
was Jeffery’s brain. Just like in their earlier analogy, Jeffery saw it as
a huge computer with rows of blinking lights.
The other men of the brotherhood were there, but they stayed at
the mouth of the cave, almost as if they were watching the entrance so
Water would be safe to do what he needed to do. Knowing they were
there to protect and support them eased Jeffery’s mind even more.
Water walked over to a terminal that faced the computer and
settled down at a chair that was there. In his mind’s eye, it reminded
Jeffery of the way Mr. Donatello sat in the library when he was
working with the virtual library. With gentle hands on the keyboard,
Water stroked his way into Jeffery’s file system then pursued the data.
“How are you feeling, Jeffery?” Water asked.
“I’m okay. It tickles.”
“That’s okay,” Water said, laughing lightly. “No one said therapy
had to hurt.”
It seemed to take forever, but eventually, Water found where the
damaging voice was stored. “It looks like it’s attached to your
anxiety.”
That made perfect sense to Jeffery. Whenever he felt anxious, that
was when the voice started to gain volume, like when he crossed open
spaces. Jeffery had never liked being in the open, as it made him feel
vulnerable for some reason. So whenever he was in that kind of
environment, the voice grew stronger. When he was somewhere he
felt no anxiety, such as the library, the voice was rendered utterly
silent.
Water tapped rapidly at the keypad of the terminal, but when
Jeffery looked, he realized it wasn’t laid out like a standard keyboard.
This didn’t have keys with letters on them but had sights, sounds, and
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smells. Water’s fingers slid over the device like he was composing a
sensory symphony.
Jeffery felt the composition moving around his anxiety, which
looked like a lumpy red balloon. With the powerful tranquilizer in his
system, his anxiety couldn’t commandeer his entire brain. But it was
able to summon enough strength to resist Water’s efforts. The more
Water pushed at the lumpy red balloon, the more nervous Jeffery
became.
“Deep breath, Jeffery. Feel your concern, but don’t let it overtake
you.”
Jeffery did his best to remain calm, but there was something
egging him on. Was it the voice in a last-gasp effort to maintain some
control over him?
“I want to be who I am and not who they want me to be.”
“That’s good, Jeffery. Keep saying that to yourself. Nice and
slow. Don’t shout it, feel it. Believe it.”
Jeffery did as Water suggested. He held the words in his mind and
felt them down in his heart. All he’d ever wanted was to simply be
comfortable with himself. Jeffery didn’t aspire to fame or fortune, just
the effortless ability to enter a room and not panic when people looked
at him. Why did he always think they were judging him when they
were simply looking at him? People looked at one another. And even
if some of them judged him harshly for whatever they perceived as
wrong or different, that wasn’t his problem. That was the viewer’s
problem.
The insight staggered him.
“I have no control over what other people think of me.”
“Very true.” Water continued with his work.
“No matter how I dress or present myself, there will always be
someone who doesn’t like it for whatever reason. But that’s on them,
not on me.” Jeffery remembered reading a fable about a man with a
donkey. They were going to market. At first, the man had all his wares
and himself on the donkey, but another man berated him for
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overburdening the beast. So the man climbed off and led the donkey.
Then, another man berated him for forcing the donkey to carry all the
load, so the man took as much as he could carry. Still yet another man
berated him as a fool for doing what his donkey was meant to do. In
the end, the merchant realized that he couldn’t please everyone, so he
had best please himself. “That’s what I need to do. I need to do what
I’m comfortable with. Not what my parents want to see reflected at
them or what anyone else wants. This is my life.”
“That’s it!” Water’s joy radiated through Jeffery’s brain and
body.
Jeffery felt so good he wanted to pull Van to him and share
everything with him. Suddenly, Van was right there in his mind,
wrapped around him like they were fused together. Water was gone
from his mental landscape entirely, and Jeffery couldn’t feel Water’s
hand against his any longer.
“Are we done?” Jeffery asked.
“I think we shifted,” Van said. “Are you okay?”
“I am now.” The fear that had racked him for five years was gone.
The nasty voice, gone. The confusion, gone. “There’s nothing wrong
with me.”
“Nothing.” Van mentally gripped his hand tighter. “I was so
afraid for you.”
“I know.” Jeffery embraced Van with everything in him. God, he
was strong, and he was determined. “I was so afraid of hurting
everyone, especially you.”
“Me?”
“I didn’t want you to be stuck with a basket case. Bad enough to
find out you’re eternally bonded at the age of nineteen, but to find out
you’re stuck with a nutter?”
“I never once thought that.”
“I know. I did. But now it’s okay.” This was far more intimate
than what they had done last night. Still, as deep as his brothers’
affection for him went, Jeffery realized he had a long road ahead of
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him. Finding a place where he was loved, accepted, and welcomed
wouldn’t repair all the damage done.
“They hurt you so deeply.” Van cupped Jeffery’s chin, leaned
over, and kissed him. All this happened within the corners of their
minds, but it was just as real. His lips were like a salvation, and
Jeffery melted into him.
“I’ll be okay. Now that I have the tools to help myself I can move
forward.”
“Speaking of which, let’s see what we look like.”
Together, they opened their eyes.
The room looked different to them, and the smells were much
more intense. As they watched, their brothers shifted into bear form
until Phillip’s parlor was filled with grizzly bears.
“And there goes another cell phone,” Dillinger said. “This is
getting ever more difficult to explain to the police department.
They’re starting to think I’m clueless, and that’s not a good
reputation for a man who is supposed to uphold the law.”
“We’re still working out how to shift without losing everything.”
Danny chuckled. “I guess you can only tell them so many times you
lost it, huh?”
“I should make up a dramatic tale about it being stolen.”
“Or shot,” Luke suggested. “During a shootout, your valiant
phone saved your life.”
“God, no.” Dillinger laughed. “Do you know how much
paperwork is involved if I discharge my weapon?”
Jeffery hadn’t meant to shift and certainly not to pull everyone
with him and Van.
“It’s okay, really.” Danny and Matthew rolled over to their side.
“Maybe your body just needed the energy from the rest of your bear
brothers.”
Jeffery and Van had no idea what Danny was talking about.
“When Dylan twinned Dillinger and Luke, he was drained from
their resistance to the twinning. We all shifted into bear form, and
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Dylan slept in the center of all of us. He said it renewed him. Maybe
the same is true for you.”
Jeffery took stock of himself. He did feel as if he were being
renewed in some way.
“And one good thing that was lost in the shift—that rubber band
around your wrist,” Van said.
Jeffery wasn’t sad to see that thing gone. “Hey, you’ll also lose
the rest of your magic-marker mustache.”
“I won’t be sad to see that go!”
“You also won’t need contacts anymore,” Jeffery pointed out.
“Another blessing! Those things can get expensive and
irritating.”
“We should get outside. There’s more room there.” Phillip
suggested.
“And you don’t want anyone shitting on the carpet,” Mitch
pointed out.
“Wasn’t it Derek who answered that age-old question about
whether or not a bear shits in the woods?” Aaron asked.
“Of course,” Dustin said. “Who else besides Derek would be so
crass?”
As the group lumbered into the hallway, Josh got in front of the
sloth and opened the door. As the nexus, Josh didn’t shift, so he was
the lone human capable of letting them out. Phillip had put in a huge
double-hung door to accommodate their bigger bodies.
“We were able to get in and out in bear form before, but it was a
rather snug fit.” Phillip and Ryan’s bear was the first out into a
rapidly cooling evening. “Once the sun goes down, you can feel the
chill of winter coming. And you can really smell the pine.”
Jeffery was blown away by all the scents. He wanted to go
everywhere at once, but first he and Van had to learn how to move
around in their body. Oddly, the trick was not to think about it too
much.
“Going from two legs to four is a little awkward,” Van noted.
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“But what’s nice is I don’t feel self-conscious.” And Jeffery didn’t
think that relaxed feeling had anything to do with the tranquilizer.
“I think you’ll find that, with your insight, you’ll still have
moments where that intense self-consciousness hits you, but now that
you understand it better, you’ll be able to accept it, acknowledge it,
and allow yourself to move forward despite it.” Water mentally patted
Jeffery on the back.
“Thank you, and everyone, for helping me.”
“Hey, that’s what a family does,” Water said. “We help each
other.”
“Speaking of family,” Skye said. “Has anyone checked on our two
mamma bears?”
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Chapter 13
“I thought everyone in the brotherhood was a guy? You know,
brotherhood equals brother which equals a dude.” Van was
overwhelmed by so much information in their shared collective that
he hadn’t had time to sort it all out. However, when he asked, his
mind mentally flipped though the group’s memories and found what
he was looking for. “Two of the bears have given birth?”
Van just assumed their bear was a boy, but apparently, that’s not
how things worked.
Dustin and Mitch’s bear gave them a good sniff.
“You’re a girl,” Mitch said.
“Are you liking them a lot?” Danny asked.
“No. We can just smell them. They aren’t in heat, so apparently,
none of us here is their mate.”
Van breathed a huge sigh of relief.
“You don’t want to have...uh...cubs?” Jeffery asked.
“Well, not right now. I mean, we just got eternally bound and
found out we’re bear-shifters. I’d like to bang your beautiful body at
least more than once before we start expanding the family.” Van
considered. He pushed into all the men’s thoughts about the mamma
bears, who were safe and sound in the basement, but he didn’t find the
information he was seeking. “Don’t any of you know what their cubs
are?”
A long stretch of silence from the men allowed the crickets to fill
the air with their slow chirps.
“Can’t we just ask the guys in the mamma-bear bodies?” From
the group, Van knew the two mother bears were Burke and Tommy in
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one body and Derek and Brandon in the other. Burke and Tommy had
mated with Water and Skye. Derek and Brandon had mated with Kade
and Aaron. Each female bear had produced two cubs. All four cubs
were male. No one knew what those cubs were, exactly. The cubs
possessed intelligence, and they were innately curious about their
surroundings, but they didn’t seem to be more than bear cubs who
seemed to be growing very fast.
To accommodate them and keep them safe, Phillip had converted
the basement into a protective pen for the mamma and baby bears.
The four men hadn’t shifted out of bear form because they were still
breast-feeding the cubs. Burke was worried that if they shifted to
human they might lose their milk. When they realized the cubs were
growing at an astonishing rate, they had started to wean them.
“In light of this situation, they’ve pulled themselves out of the
mental collective for now.” Danny and Matthew’s bear came closer to
Jeffery and Van’s bear. “While in bear form, it’s easier to block off
the group. They did that to protect the cubs after the initial blast by
the voice.”
Van felt something in Jeffery’s heart pinch. “Did I hurt the
cubs?” Just the thought of hurting little ones made him want to burst
into tears. Jeffery loved kids. Before Van could console him, Danny
spoke up.
“Oh, whoa. No, no, no.” Danny tried to soothe him. “They
slapped off communication as soon as the voice got loud. Believe me,
they’re fine. We’re all okay. This isn’t the first time we’ve had an
issue with our mental communication.”
“Can we see the cubs?” Van couldn’t help but have a morbid
curiosity about them. Since he and Jeffery were a girl bear, they’d
better get a look at what might be coming at them.
“Slow your roll on the worry, Van. First, you have to find your
bear mate. If one of the bears here was that mate, we’d know.” Danny
and Matthew’s bear had to keep Adrian and Logan’s bear at bay.
Every time they turned their back, the Adrian and Logan bear tried to
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mate with them. “We’ve found the instincts are very strong so, uh,
damn it.”
Suddenly, Danny and Matthew were standing naked, peering
down at Adrian and Logan’s bear.
“Naughty bear! No humping.” Matthew wagged his finger at
them.
With a huff, the Adrian and Logan bear turned and lumbered off.
“Stay and play,” Danny offered. “We’re going to go in and find
clothing for everyone, and then we’ll go see the mamma and baby
bears.”
“Wilkins, being the absolute master of forethought, has purchased
and placed several dozen pairs of sweatpants and T-shirts in the hall
closet that leads toward the back door,” Phillip said.
“Your butler knows what we are?” Van thought that seemed risky
to let anyone know about them.
“Wilkins is more fiercely loyal than a pit bull,” Phillip assured
him. “I literally trust the man with my life.”
And that was good enough for Van. Phillip was the eldest member
of their sloth, and he was a member of the original bear collective. His
word was as good as gold.
“There are more brothers, aren’t there?” Jeffery asked.
“Oh, yes. Some are at the game since they are members of the
college football team.”
“The game you should have gone to.” Jeffery sounded worried
that he’d held Van back from something he loved.
“Again, I’m third string. All they would use me for is as a
nickelback. Trust me, I’m not missing anything, and this, with you, is
way more important.”
Jeffery seemed to accept Van’s answer. However, his mind started
ticking over in a little circle about the word nickelback.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, really, just—that word is so curious. I remember when
you explained to me what it was and I didn’t understand. I do now,
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because I can see it in your mind, but I thought of another meaning.”
“And that is?”
“I want my nickel back. I want the last five years of my life back.”
Mentally, Van hugged him. “Sadly, that’s something you can’t do,
but that’s okay, because you can make the next five years stellar.”
“Good point.” Jeffery kissed him.
“You know, I’d really like to get out of this bear body and into
two human bodies, and then I’d like to show you some other fun
things we can do together.” Van waggled his brows at Jeffery.
“You lecherous fiend!” Jeffery laughed. “We’ll further my sexual
education after we see the cubs.”
“Right.” Van burst into sudden laughter.
“What?”
“Oh, I was just thinking about your comment last night when you
found out I didn’t have any condoms. You said it wasn’t like I could
get you pregnant.”
“Yes, and?”
“But soon we’ll find a boy bear who can.” Van chuckled. “It’s
just so weird. All of this.”
“Are you unhappy?”
“God, no. I’m—fuck. I can’t believe I’m going to use this word, as
I tease my mom when she does, but I feel giddy. It’s all so new and
different. If I let it all into my head at once, I think I’d be
overwhelmed, but I’m okay. It’s just fitting in a way. I always thought
there was something waiting for me around the corner. There was this
curiously elusive destiny that never really took shape until blamo!
Here it is all at once.”
“I know what you mean.” Jeffery sighed, and their bear rolled
over onto her back, wriggling against the ground. “I think something
in the back of my mind knew that salvation was coming. Anytime I
thought about suicide”—Van instantly tensed as the word, and all
those thoughts of Jeffery’s slammed into him—“Oh, Van, I’m sorry.”
Jeffery pulled him back from the horrific images. “I didn’t mean to
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blast you with all of that.”
“I know.”
“I just—when that happened to me, all those thoughts and
feelings, there was something far more powerful that turned me away
from them.”
Van felt what Jeffery had felt. It was curious in that it was like a
blanket wrapped around him in comfort.
“I know. You would think it would be a raised sword or some kind
of weapon, but instead, it was the fuzzy covering of comfort, like a
blanket to console me and protect me from the cold and isolation.”
“I think it’s wonderfully fitting.” Van kissed Jeffery gently. “If
those thoughts ever come back, you’ll tell me?”
“I will tell you, but I don’t think they’ll be back.”
“Good. Now, let’s go see some cubs.”
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Chapter 14
“Awwwww.” So far it was the only thing Jeffery had managed to
say. The four cubs were rambunctious toddlers swatting one another,
rolling, tumbling, and generally spazzing out all over the basement.
The floor was concrete with a drain in the center, which made for
easy cleanup, but all the guys had moved in leaves and pine branches
to make it more outdoorsy. Phillip also kept it cooler in light of their
thick fur.
Derek and Brandon’s bear watched the cubs with a mellow
expression. Burke and Tommy’s bear came over to the group of men
and peered directly at Jeffery. He swallowed hard. Since they were
still closed off from mental communication, Jeffery had no idea what
they were thinking.
“Why is she glaring at me?” Jeffery asked Danny, since he was the
closest to him as they hung near the door.
“Burke and Tommy’s bear is extremely protective,” Danny
explained, offering out his hand for their bear to sniff. “She’s just
checking you out.”
Following Danny’s example, Jeffery offered out his hand, which
the Burke and Tommy bear sniffed. When the bear pulled back, she
tilted her head and peered up at Jeffery. She took a step forward, and
before Jeffery could panic and step back, she rubbed her head against
his hand.
“I think you’ve made a friend.” Danny clapped Jeffery on the
back.
The Burke and Tommy bear turned toward where the cubs were
playing, took a few steps, stopped, and then looked back.
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“Go,” Danny encouraged.
Jeffery followed the bear over to the cubs. As soon as he was near,
they stopped playing with one another and surrounded him. Their
little paws were surprisingly soft against his bare feet.
“That tickles.” Jeffery laughed, and the cubs opened their mouths
and made a weird sound.
“I think they’re trying to imitate you.” Van stepped closer, but one
look from the mother bears stopped him. “Okay, yeah, I get it. I
wasn’t invited.”
Jeffery wasn’t certain what prompted the shift, but he found
himself in bear form with Van. The cubs were delighted and pawed
playfully at them.
“Should we try the meat now?” Ryan asked.
Most of the guys were standing at the far end of the spacious
room. Rather than walls, Phillip had columns put in to provide
support so the bears would have a greater open area to live in.
Jeffery and Van knew the second someone brought raw meat into
the basement. The scent was overwhelmingly alluring. Their mouth
watered. Just like the cubs, they were drawn over to the haunch of
venison that the guys had placed on the floor. Before he could think
too much about what he was doing, Jeffery tore into the meat, but
rather than scarf it down, their bear offered it out to one of the cubs.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
The Burke and Tommy bear moved closer.
“Did he talk to you?” Burke asked.
“Yes. He was thanking us for the piece of meat.” Jeffery and Van
tore off strips for the other cubs, who echoed their brother’s thanks.
“Why, is something wrong?”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” Derek said as his and Brandon’s bear
came over to the haunch of venison. “Who knew that all we had to do
was feed them raw meat to get them to talk?”
The group of them waited for more, but the cubs were too busy
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eating.
“It’s their first taste of meat,” Derek said.
“I wonder why that matters?” Brandon asked.
“Brings out the predator?” Derek suggested.
“It helps us grow faster.”
All of them turned their shaggy heads toward the cub.
“We were just waiting to be mature enough to communicate with
words.”
Jeffery was so excited that he got to witness their first foray into
talking.
“Witness? Hell, boy, you got them to talk by sharing the meat with
them.” Derek sounded pleased as punch. He considered the cubs.
“Can you shift?”
“We can.”
“What will you be?”
“Let’s find out.”
“Wait!” another cub shouted. “I want to finish eating this.”
So they waited and watched the cubs make short work of the
venison.
“I guess since we don’t need to breast-feed anymore we can
shift?” Brandon asked.
“Yes. You’ve all been very dedicated.”
“That’s what a good mother—father—parent does,” Derek said.
“All together now.”
When Jeffery blinked, he found himself standing with a group of
naked men, the only one of which he recognized was Van.
One of the men, a platinum blond with ice-blue eyes, windmilled
his arms and toppled to the floor. The others quickly followed him
down until only Jeffery and Van were standing.
“Fuck.” The blond shook his head, and something inside Jeffery
told him this man was Derek, the perennial jokester of the group. “It’s
been so long since I’ve been on two legs I’ve clearly forgotten how to
stand up.”
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“Me, too.” A man with black hair and the same ice-blue eyes
nodded. Jeffery knew from the group this was Brandon, Derek’s twin.
Between them was a young man with short black hair that had a streak
of platinum. His eyes were ice blue.
Without knowing how he knew, Jeffery realized this was Derek
and Brandon’s son.
“Simon.” When Jeffery said the name, the boy looked up at him.
“You’re Derek and Brandon’s child.”
“That I am.” He nodded and grinned.
“Child?” Derek laughed. “He’s a little big for that.”
For all Jeffery could tell, he appeared to be about eighteen years
old. Simon was sitting next to his cub brother.
“Gage.” He nodded at Jeffery. Gage had black hair and soft green
eyes. “You’re Kade and Aaron’s son.”
Jeffery’s gaze connected to Burke and Tommy then moved on to
their son. “Colin.” He had dirty-blond hair and brown eyes.
“Alexi.” He was the offspring of Water and Skye. Even if the
information hadn’t come into his brain fully formed, Jeffery would
have known, because Alexi had Skye’s curly brown hair and his violet
eyes.
“How do you know their names?” Burke asked.
“They told me.” Jeffery turned around to the men standing by the
door. All of them were so shocked they just stood there, staring.
“Could you get us some clothes?”
“Why are you grinning like that?” Van asked.
“Normally, I’d be in a panic to be naked, but I don’t feel one damn
bit of worry.”
“That’s wonderful.” Van hugged him but quickly let go. “Yeah,
just that little touch has got my body perking right up.”
“Not in front of the kids,” Derek admonished. “The kids who look
like full-grown adults.”
“Can one of you explain this?” Brandon looked doubtfully at the
cubs, who all shrugged.
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Everyone turned to look at Jeffery.
“It’s just the way it is.” Jeffery shrugged. “The mother bears will
carry the cubs for about three months, breast-feed for a month, then
give them meat—”
“And you’ve got instant young adult,” Derek snarked. “So, uh,
hello, son.” He considered Simon. “Is your name Simon for Simon
Says?”
“Derek!” Brandon slapped his arm. “Don’t mock our child.”
“I was just asking.”
“Well, hopefully I have my other father’s good sense and
breeding,” Simon said.
“Ooh, I think you’ve met your match.” Brandon reached out but
didn’t make contact. “I feel funny about touching you.”
“I think that’s the naked thing.” Simon glanced around at all of
them. “It’s a little awkward.”
“Definitely your kid, Derek,” Kade said as he handed out pants
and shirts to everyone. Once they were dressed, he offered his hand
out to Gage. “I’m your dad. Er, one of your dads. This is Aaron, your
other dad.” The three men shook hands and drew close to talk.
Burke and Tommy rose and helped up their son, Colin. As gruff
and scary as Burke appeared, the man took one look at his son, tears
gathered in his eyes, and he embraced Tommy and Colin in the
massive expanse of his arms. The three of them stood in a little circle
hugging one another.
Water and Skye approached Alexi. Skye was already teary eyed,
and Water’s expression was one that mingled joy, delight, and
astonishment. For a man who just helped Jeffery overcome years of
brainwashing, Water seemed unable to summon one word to speak to
his son.
“Tell him that you love him,” Jeffery offered as he passed. “That’s
always a very good place to start.”
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Chapter 15
“You were amazing today.” Van settled into bed next to Jeffery.
“Thank you.” Jeffery pulled Van close and kissed him. “So were
you.”
“Me? I didn’t do anything.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” Jeffery said. “You were there for me.”
Van grinned and nodded. “I guess so.”
The room that Phillip had given him and Jeffery was decorated in
various shades of pale yellow. When Van had first stepped into their
bedroom, he thought the color almost feminine, but the glossy brown
furniture in thick, masculine dimension overshadowed the delicate
shade of yellow. It was a room that Van thought he would never get
bored of looking at. Each time he considered the color, the layout, the
décor, he found something new and unique.
“All those big, strong men brought to tears by meeting their
children for the first time.” Van still couldn’t get the images out of his
mind. Not that he wanted to. At first, when he’d found out he and
Jeffery’s bear was a girl, Van had been terrified by the implications.
The horrifying question was what would that mean for them? But
now, after seeing the outcome, Van was looking forward to having a
child of their own. But not right away. He still wanted to sex Jeffery
up six ways to Sunday.
“You know that I can pick up on your thoughts, right?” Jeffery
asked playfully as he pulled Van under the covers of the bed.
“Like you didn’t suspect this?” Van kissed Jeffery and pressed
him onto his back. “I’m sorry if this is news to you, but I’m a major
sexual deviant.”
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“Are you?” Jeffery pretended to struggle. “No! Oh! Let me go!”
“Ah, now you’re mine!”
Jeffery went utterly passive below him.
“Wow. Not much for struggling, are you?” Van asked.
“I know when I’m beaten. I also know what I like.” Jeffery
paused. “I like you.” Jeffery waggled his brows and thrust his hips. “I
like you a lot.”
“Oh, thank God, because I really, really like you.” Van kissed
Jeffery until they were both breathless and hard. As much as Van just
wanted to leap and have his way with his mate, he still had questions.
“How did you know everything with the mamma bears and cubs?”
“I really don’t know how to explain.” Jeffery sighed and shrugged.
“It was instinct to feed the cubs first. And then they just connected to
me. From what I got talking with Burke, who was the one who had
first contact with the cubs shortly after they were created, Burke was
anxious about what he would be giving birth to, and he retreated into
isolation. The cubs, the two he and Tommy carried, reached out to
him. To Burke. Not in words, but with images.” Jeffery did his best to
convey this to Van, and Van grasped the notion as best as he could. “I
guess with my history of anxiety and isolation, they thought I was
another soul they could trust.”
“Were they afraid of the other men?” Van asked.
“No. Not afraid. But the others wouldn’t have been still enough or
sensitive enough to hear their message, as it was so quiet. Like a
whisper.”
“What about Burke? Didn’t he hear them?”
“Ironically, Burke was too close. When the cubs sent him images
of meat, Burke thought he was hungry. He never connected the idea to
something the cubs were trying to tell him.”
Van nodded. In many ways, that made a lot of sense that four
young and frightened teens would reach out to those most likely to
grasp their unique situation. Tonight, all of the men of the
brotherhood had joined around the immense dining table in Phillip’s
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home to share food and drink. It had been the most incredible party
Van had ever gone to. He hadn’t gotten ripped, wasted, or anything
like that. He’d just been part of a group that was bigger and better
than he could be alone.
“You realize that there are some major issues to overcome.”
Jeffery leaned up and turned off the bedside lamp.
Van turned it right back on. “What do you mean?”
“The boys—cubs—the sons—are fully grown.” Jeffery reclined on
the bed and fluffed a pillow behind his head.
“So?”
“They appear to be young men. But they have no birth certificates.
No history. Think of the Greek goddess Athena, who was ripped from
Zeus’s forehead as a full-blown adult. These young men, these sons of
our brothers, they suddenly exist without having had a childhood.
Don’t you see the inherent problems with that?”
Van considered how the four young men had behaved at dinner
tonight. “They seemed fine. Simon is a total smart-ass just like his
father, Derek. Gage is shy and protective just like his fathers, Kade
and Aaron. Colin and Alexi seemed to be coherent, cordial, and
caring.” Van, like all the other men present, was amazed at how fully
developed his brother’s children were. It was why he was more
excited and less afraid to have kids of his own. They weren’t babies
that grew slowly, but cubs who transformed into young adults.
“Yes, I know,” Jeffery said. “They came into the world fully
formed. That’s the issue that you and the rest just aren’t getting.”
Van struggled to comprehend.
“I’m not trying to disparage their children.” Jeffery sat up. “What
I’m saying is, think about this for a moment. How are we going to get
these four young men into school when they have no history?”
Van got the problem in a rush. “Fuck. Right. How can they get a
driver’s license?”
“See?” Jeffery asked. “Think of insuring them to drive. All of that
is going to be impossible without paperwork. They literally didn’t
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exist until today.”
“Shit.”
“That’s about the scope of it.” Jeffery reached to turn off the light,
but Van stopped him.
“What can we do to help those kids?” Van asked. “They aren’t our
kids, but we’ll have our own kids someday.”
Jeffery stopped trying to reach across his body and grinned.
“What?” Van asked.
“You. You’re genuinely worried about their children.”
“Of course I am.” Van straightened. “Whatever their kids go
through, so will ours.”
Jeffery pressed his lips tightly together.
“What?” Van cupped his face. “I’m sorry. What did I do or say to
make you cry?”
“I’m not sad.” Jeffery took a deep breath. “I’m so glad I’m with
you.”
When Jeffery wrapped his arms around Van and pulled him down,
he had no idea what was going on.
“You care. You care so much, but it’s like you don’t even know!”
Jeffery hugged him harder, and Van just let him. “You wanting to
help their kids means you want to help our kids.”
“Well, yeah, I mean, I want our kids to have the best.” Van got
Jeffery’s deal. “Ah, I get it. I do.” He kissed Jeffery’s head. “If I’m
protective of their kids, then you figure I’ll be that way with our kids.”
“Yes.” Jeffery leaned up. “When we have them.”
“When?”
“Not too soon.” Jeffery leaned back. “I’m with Danny in delaying
that time. I want to finish college. And we’ve only had sex once. And,
well, there are all these other things we have to work out first. They
might come into the world as young adults, but we still have to
provide a home for them, food, an education. All that gets expensive.”
“Right. Also, will they find mates like we do? Can they shift at
will?” Van reached out and held the light switch between his fingers.
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“So. Are you ready for lights out?”
“I am.” Jeffery moved over to his side of the bed and relaxed onto
his back.
Van switched off the light and pinned him down.
“I didn’t even try to get away,” Jeffery said.
“I just wanted to make sure.” Van kissed him hard. Once he felt
Jeffery surrender below him, he backed off, kissing him with biting
nips. “So sweet. So soft. So willing.” He worked his way down and
teased his tongue around the crown of Jeffery’s cock. Hearing him
utter that sound of pleasure was more gratifying than Van would have
ever thought possible. As he lifted Jeffery’s legs and tongued his ass,
Jeffery squirmed and his moans of pleasure increased.
“Wait.” Jeffery touched Van’s shoulder.
“What?” Van lifted up.
“We’ve already done it this way.” Jeffery sat up and turned the
light back on.
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with the classics.” Van rose to his
knees. “However, if you’re looking for something different, I can
work with that.”
Van got out of bed and looked around the room. “Oh, yeah. This
will work perfectly.” Across from the side of the bed there was a free-
standing mirror. By lifting and turning it, Van was able to get a perfect
reflection of the bed. From the table he got a bottle of lube and then
sat on the edge of the mattress so he could see himself in the mirror.
Slowly, he slicked up his cock. Jeffery watched his reflection.
“Come here.” Van kept his legs together and had Jeffery face the
mirror then settle back, using him like a chair. “I’m going to steady
my prick. You are going to slide my cock into you nice and slow.”
Jeffery sat down while watching in the mirror.
“Different enough?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Once Jeffery was settled with Van’s cock buried deep, Van
wrapped his fists around Jeffery’s shaft.
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“Clench your ass around my cock.” When Jeffery did, Van
squeezed his fists around Jeffery’s prick.
“Oh, man.” Jeffery’s eyes rolled back.
“I’m not even going to ask if you like that.” Van nuzzled his
shoulder. “I can see that you do.”
“Do you want me to move?”
“Lean forward, bracing yourself by putting your hands on my
knees.”
“Okay. Now what?” Jeffery looked into the mirror, meeting Van’s
gaze.
“Rock your hips forward and back nice and slow.” Van took a
deep breath. “Ah, God. That’s perfect. So fucking good. Tighten up,
too.”
Jeffery rocked down, taking Van’s cock as deeply as he could,
clenched up on him, then released as he rocked up. All the while, Van
was doing the same motions on Jeffery’s prick with his fists.
“It’s like fucking and being fucked at the same time.” Jeffery’s
gaze was all over the mirror, looking at every nuance of their
reflection. “Your skin looks so much darker than mine.”
“I think that’s the contrast with the yellow.” Van flexed his arms
and got an appreciative whistle from Jeffery.
“You are so strong.”
“So are you.”
“I want to go faster.”
“You wanted something different, so this is going to be a slow
descent into madness.”
“Madness?”
“We’re going to stay rocking like this to keep us close to orgasm.”
“And then?”
“After a good long while, when we finally climax, it will be
fucking epic.”
Jeffery grinned then his eyes got that dreamy, faraway look.
“Where do you go when you get that expression?” Van kept their
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rhythm even.
“I’m here with you, but I imagine being you and feeling what my
body feels like to you.”
Intrigued, Van tried the same thing. “Oh, whoa. We almost
shifted.”
“That would not be good, not on Phillip’s very fine sheets.”
“Here,” Van said, meeting Jeffery’s eyes in the mirror. “You know
how when we mentally communicate? Let’s try to do that but with
what we’re physically feeling right now.”
It took a few tries, but eventually, they connected.
“Oh. God.” Van held Jeffery’s cock a little tighter because he
could feel exactly what his fists felt like against his flesh.
Jeffery deepened his strokes and clenched harder, because he felt
how wickedly good that was for Van.
“I’m going to come.” Jeffery was struggling to keep his sedate
pace.
Van spread his legs, which forced Jeffery’s wider. He stood up so
now, when Jeffery rolled his hips down, Van thrust up.
“Ah, fuck.”
“Match my breathing.”
Jeffery tried, but he was overwhelmed by feeling, seeing, and then
being inside Van’s mind, too.
Van knew his climax was inevitable, so he thrust harder and
faster, trying to catch up. When Jeffery came, he clamped around
Van’s cock with such strength he couldn’t pump. Van’s orgasm hit
within seconds of Jeffery’s. Watching his bliss in the mirror added
another layer of pleasure.
Exhausted, Van settled on the edge of the bed. He flopped on his
back, taking Jeffery with him.
“Wow.”
“You wanted different.”
“I’m almost afraid of what the third time will be like.”
“I’m thinking we should dress up and have some really raunchy
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dialogue.”
“Sounds good.” Jeffery tensed. Not a lot, but enough for Van to
notice.
“What?”
“Oh, crap. I just—my parents.”
“Rousing hot sex with your boyfriend makes you think of your
parents? Ew. I think we’d better get Water up here to consult about
this.”
“Not like that, just that I have to check in with them every day. I
don’t want to do that anymore.”
“Then don’t.” Rather than hug him, Van squeezed him with his
arms since he didn’t want to take his hands away from his cock just
yet. “You’re eighteen. By law, you’re an adult.”
“But they pay all my bills.”
“We’ll get jobs.” Van had never had a job in his life. He had
extremely supportive parents. Damn, he’d never really thanked them
for everything they’d done. He vowed that he would. It was odd how
he never realized how truly blessed he was until he compared his
situation to someone else’s.
“I have my work-study money, but that only covers about a third
of my expenses.”
“We’ll work it out, Jeffery.”
“Okay.”
But he didn’t relax, and the more Van thought about how
controlling Jeffery’s parents were, the more he thought it very
unlikely they would just walk away.
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Chapter 16
“Jeffery? Your parents are in the administration office. They want
to see you.” Mr. Donatello didn’t sound happy to have to deliver the
news. “Go ahead and go on over. I’ll finish shelving the returns.”
Without asking, Jeffery knew they were probably hopping mad.
He’d dutifully sent his daily e-mail to them on Sunday but informed
them it would be his last. He’d told them he loved them very much,
that he appreciated everything they had done for him, but he was able
to take care of himself. To lessen the sting of that, he offered to send
them letters once a week to keep them updated on his studies.
His father had written back in all capital letters. Jeffery had read a
line of his demands but deleted the rest unread. He was done being his
parents’ verbal punching bag. They had a choice to accept him on his
terms or walk away. He had a feeling they weren’t going to do either.
At the office, his parents were sitting in chairs against the wall that
connected to the counter. Both of them had their arms crossed and feet
tapping. Even from a distance, Jeffery could see that their faces were
red. No doubt they’d been yelling at the staff for not promptly
producing their son. As soon as his father saw him through the glass
wall that made up the front of the offices, he leapt to his feet. He was
yelling before he even got the door open, so he was halfway into a
sentence when Jeffery was able to hear him.
“—think you’re up to, young man? We set the rules, and you obey
them!”
Normally, Jeffery would hang his head, convinced that everyone
around was glaring at him and judging him harshly for the fact that his
father was screaming at him. By keeping his head up, Jeffery noted
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that the office staff was looking over, but they were shaking their
heads, obviously disappointed at his father’s actions, not Jeffery’s. For
the first time, he saw very clearly that he was not responsible for what
his parents said and did. That was their choice, not his.
When his father realized Jeffery was not assuming his usual
repentant pose, his father stopped yelling. His eyes went wide, and he
startled back as if he were seeing Jeffery for the first time.
“What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” His father was trembling all over. Jeffery wasn’t sure
why he was shaking, but suppressed rage came to mind. His father
seemed to be so furious he was shivering to hold his fury at bay.
“I’m sorry that you had to come all the way up here for nothing.”
His mother joined his father, but she remained silent as she stood
by her husband’s side. It was clear she sensed something was different
this time, too, because she was peering through her glasses at Jeffery
as if she’d never seen him, either.
“I’m not a little boy anymore.”
“You’re certainly not a man,” his father huffed.
“Perhaps not quite yet, but I’m well on my way.” Jeffery felt Van
in his mind, swearing he was coming to lend his support, but Jeffery
held him back. This was his fight, and he would handle his own
business. “I love you both very much, but I’m not willing to continue
with your rules.”
“My money, my rules.”
“I had a feeling you’d say that.” From his back pocket, Jeffery
withdrew a check. “I had the school issue you a refund.”
His father unfolded the check and glared at the piece of blue paper
and Jeffery in equal turns. “You’re leaving school?”
Finally, his father dropped the volume.
“No, sir. I’m paying for it myself. I took out a student loan.”
“You couldn’t have gotten the money that fast.”
“I borrowed the money from a friend. Once I get my student loan,
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I will pay him back.”
“Him? Him who?” Red blotches highlighted his father’s cheeks.
“Are you mixed up with some man? I knew we shouldn’t have sent
him here!” His father rounded on his mother.
“We should send him back to the camp,” his mother suggested.
Jeffery went cold all over. Just the idea of going back there made
him physically ill. “I’m not going back to that place.”
“You’ll do as you’re told.”
“I’m an adult. Now that I’m eighteen, you can’t force me to go to
that camp against my will.”
His father lifted his brows. “You’re our son, and you’ll do as
you’re told.”
“I’m your son, but I’m not your property. Those people hurt me.”
“I’ll get a lawyer. I’ll have you declared unfit to take charge of
your own life.”
“Feel free.” Jeffery frowned, wondering if that piece of advice had
come from the people at the camp. The longer they kept Jeffery, the
more money they made. “I really wish it didn’t have to be like this. I
remember a time when we were a pretty happy family. But you
decided to force me to toe a line that made you comfortable regardless
of the fact it made me miserable. I love you both, but I’m not going to
let you run my life anymore.”
“You are going to regret this.” His father tucked the check into his
wallet and slipped his wallet into his back pocket. “You are going to
end up wretched and then dead from one of those gay diseases.”
“No. I’m going to live a very long and happy life. If you change
your mind and decide you’d like to be a part of it, you’re always
welcome to contact me.”
Jeffery turned and walked off. His father was talking to his mother
in a hushed voice, so Jeffery had no idea what he was saying, but he
imagined they were discussing plans to hire a lawyer and do what he
had threatened to do. After talking with Phillip, who had lent him the
money to pay for his tuition until his student loan came in, Phillip had
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told him to expect this in retaliation. Phillip had also given Jeffery a
card for his attorney. The man wasn’t cheap, but considering he was
gay, Phillip thought he would probably take the case pro bono.
“You handled that beautifully,” Van said into Jeffery’s mind.
“Could you feel me shaking? God. I’ve never stood up to my
parents. Ever. I was scared shitless, but I also couldn’t take
anymore.”
“You were awesome. You kept your cool, made your point, and
didn’t get distracted by dredging up the past. And who knows? Maybe
they will come around when they realize you’re really okay just as
you are. Like Water said, they honestly weren’t trying to hurt you.
They just wanted the best for you.”
“I know. Keeping that in mind was what kept me from screaming
back at him and dumping the horrible truth about that camp on him.
If they do take me to court, I will recount the entire five summers in
detail.”
“Maybe you should do that anyway.”
“What do you mean?” Jeffery left the administration building and
walked across the quad toward the library. He noticed in passing that
the fountain had been restored to its prebubble state.
“Well, I was just thinking about all the other kids being sent there.
A place like that shouldn’t be allowed to continue torturing innocent
teenagers.”
Jeffery thought about all those teens he’d seen around camp. Their
tragic faces made a montage of misery in his mind.
“Jeffery?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking that you’re right. I’ve got to do
something. But where would I start?”
“Let’s talk to Phillip after school. He might have some ideas.”
“You just want to see the cubs again,” Jeffery teased.
“Hell yeah! Those guys were fun to hang with. It’s like they know
a lot but only intellectually. Since they’ve never really done anything,
the whole world is this bright, shiny amusement ride.”
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“Just what is it you’re so keen to share with them, you sexual
deviant?” Jeffery was only teasing him because he had no doubts
about Van’s faithfulness.
“Oh, I was going to show them the awesome power of rock and
roll and maybe the epic flavor of beer.”
“I don’t think their fathers are going to appreciate the latter. But
the former could be fun. If Phillip had his way, they’d all get only an
education in classical music.”
“I’m not knocking that, but variety is the spice of life.”
“Indeed. And that does include our sex life.”
“You want something else new tonight?”
“Not tonight.”
Even though Jeffery couldn’t see Van, he could picture the lusty
grin that stole across his face.
“Why, Mr. O’Dwyer, I do believe you are looking for a little
afternoon delight.”
“Yep. I have something in mind.” Jeffery hadn’t been able to get
all the ways his and Van’s bodies could fit together out of his mind
for longer than five minutes.
“Should I let the virgin be in charge?” Van asked.
“I’m not a virgin anymore. You took care of that, remember?”
“Your mouth still is.”
Now it was Jeffery’s turn to grin mischievously. “I can sense a
longing coming on.”
“I was simply making an observation.”
“I’d love to suck your cock.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Lunchtime in our dorm room?” Van asked.
“Perfect.” They mentally signed off with a kiss. Jeffery spent the
next two hours in the library handling a variety of tasks.
“How did it go with your parents?”
Jeffery looked up at Mr. Donatello.
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“I don’t mean to pry. However, I could hear your father yelling in
the background during the secretary’s call.” Mr. Donatello looked
sympathetic. The old Jeffery would have assumed he was judging
him, but the new Jeffery knew better.
“He’s angry that I’m not his doormat any longer.” As soon as the
words left his mouth, Jeffery realized how harsh they were. “Actually,
I think it’s the first time my father has realized I’m not a boy. I may
not be a man just yet, but I’m a lot further along on that path than he
thought.”
“I noticed you seem to have a new lease on life.”
“I do. A lot changed for me this weekend.” Not that he was going
to give Mr. Donatello all the details. “Can I ask about your parents?”
“Mine? They’re gone.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Thank you. But yes, they knew about my orientation before they
passed. They were disappointed, because they so wanted me to have a
huge family and lots of children.” Mr. Donatello sighed hard as if he
wanted that for himself, too.
“A gay man can still achieve that. Maybe not in the conventional
way, but it’s possible.” Jeffery thought of his new family with his
sloth. They were a big, boisterous group, and it seemed that now they
knew how they could have children, the mated bear pairs were already
planning out the next litter. Jeffery and Van both wanted to wait, but
they had a burning curiosity about who their bear mate would be.
“Oh, yes. I know that I could still have a huge family.” Under his
breath, he murmured, “If I ever find that extremely elusive right man.”
He cleared his throat. “I think I helped my parents understand that I
wouldn’t have a traditional family, but I would still have a family. We
had reached a tentative understanding with one another right before
they died.” Mr. Donatello shelved the book he was holding. “They
weren’t unkind, not like your—I mean, they were just sad, but they
didn’t yell, or try to change me.”
Jeffery nodded, wishing his parents could get there someday. If he
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held to his open and caring attitude toward them, they just might.
“When I found out they were involved in a small airplane crash—
my father was a pilot—I was devastated. I’d hoped that eventually, we
could get back to what we had prior to my coming out.” Mr.
Donatello considered the next book. “I think we would have reached
an accord. They were very caring people. Their plane went down as
they were taking relief supplies to hurricane victims.”
“They must have really cared about people in general to do
something like that.” Jeffery realized even though he was free of the
camp, he had a moral obligation to help other kids escape.
“They were dedicated humanitarians. That’s why I think we would
have eventually gotten back to our mutual love and respect for one
another.”
“My parents used to care about me. I mean, I wasn’t spoiled or
anything, but we were pretty happy until puberty hit. When they
realized I liked boys, I think my father just snapped.” Jeffery would
love to talk with his father and uncover what exactly enraged him so
much. He wondered if Water was right, that Jeffery’s father had either
had a homosexual relationship or had feelings toward a man. Jeffery
was curious. He wouldn’t throw that in his father’s face even after all
that had happened. Jeffery would accept him, because that’s all he
wanted in return. By giving compassion, he hoped to receive some in
return. “Right now all I can do is accept that they are angry. I
understand why, but I hope by my example of calm, forthright
communication, we can repair our relationship and move forward.”
Mr. Donatello considered Jeffery almost as if he were trying to
determine where to shelve him. “You are a very astute young man.”
“Am I?” Jeffery uttered a self-deprecating laugh. “I think it’s a
recent development.”
“Perhaps that has always been there and you just needed
something, or someone, to bring that quality out.”
“I discovered that I have to be true to myself. If I love myself
unconditionally and strive to be the best man that I can be, then that’s
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all I can do. I can’t make anyone love me or accept me. You know?”
“I do.” Mr. Donatello shelved another book. “For a young man of
eighteen, you astonish me with your insight. I’m almost ten years your
senior, and while I intellectually grasp the particulars of what you’re
saying, I have yet to apply the principles to my life.”
“Really?” As soon as the word slipped out, Jeffery realized how
utterly juvenile that response was. “I mean, thank you. And you don’t
seem that much older than me.”
“That’s because I’m still struggling with that concept of self-
acceptance.” Mr. Donatello pushed up his glasses and then finger
combed his hair back.
“No, I meant you don’t look that old.”
“I’m twenty-seven.”
Jeffery whistled.
“Ah, you are very funny.” Mr. Donatello smiled. “There are days
where I feel half that age and other days where I feel twice as old.”
“You look great.”
He lifted a speculative brow.
“Not to me. I mean, I like you, but not like, I mean.” Jeffery
stopped babbling. “A lot of guys on campus think you’re totally hot.”
“Ah, yes. I saw a remark on the whiteboard in the dorm lobby.”
There was a place in the lobby of the building for guys to leave
messages for each other. Oftentimes a blank board became a target for
random graffiti.
“What did it say?” Jeffery had only overheard what other students
thought about Mr. Donatello, whom everyone called Mr. D.
“Oh, it said, ‘Mr. D is a total hottie.’” Mr. Donatello laughed. “I
believe it was supposed to rhyme.”
“It does. And that’s about the gist of what I’ve heard.”
For a moment, Jeffery thought Mr. Donatello would ask him
something, but he changed his mind, shrugged, and shelved the last
returned book.
“Did your parents cut you off?” Mr. Donatello asked. “From their
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financial assistance, I mean.”
“I knew they would, so I did it for them. I got a student loan, but
I’ll have to find a job, too. The work-study is great, but it’s really only
going to cover my cafeteria card.”
“You said you were enjoying your creative writing class?”
“Absolutely. It’s what got me into trouble with my parents—
writing about a boy I liked—but I still like writing stories. It’s like
having a wideawake dream where I’m in charge of everything that
happens.”
“A bit like playing God.”
“A little, I guess.”
“One of the things that comes up during my searches for our
virtual library are job postings. Interesting, off-the-beaten-path types
of work. I found something that might interest you.” Mr. Donatello
went over to the main terminal. He settled into the chair, and Jeffery
had a curious déjà vu feeling about Water working on his brain in a
similar way yesterday.
With a few strokes of his long, graceful fingers on the keypad, Mr.
Donatello retrieved the information he was looking for.
“What is Hot Jocks?” Jeffery had never heard of the website, so he
had no idea what they were or what type of writing they were looking
for.
“They post pictures of young, athletic men. Their most-famous
models were discovered right here at Twin Pines College. One of
them, Mitch Gay, will graduate this year—he was in a terrible football
accident and lost a semester—and the other one, Adrian Grace,
graduated last year.”
Jeffery knew both guys as they were members of the brotherhood.
It didn’t surprise him in the least that their photographs were so
popular. Mitch was big and gorgeous with a perfect GPA. Adrian was
sophisticated and stunning with his dark auburn hair and pale skin.
“Hey, wait, I did hear something about his picture. Adrian’s, that
is. Wasn’t it a big deal on the news?” If Jeffery remembered right,
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Adrian’s wealthy family went ballistic when the erotic images of their
son were revealed. Jeffery’s father had kicked him out of the living
room before he could see one of the pictures. As if the local news was
going to put naked pictures up for the world to see.
“It was a big brouhaha that ended up with Adrian separating from
his family.” Mr. Donatello sighed. “Sad that so many young, gay men
have to choose between being themselves or being with their
families.”
“Yeah.” Jeffery wondered if there was anything he could do about
that. Well, maybe he should get his own relationship with his family
together before he tried to help anyone else.
“I guess the owner is looking to expand his site by having stories
written for some of the pictures.” Mr. Donatello pulled up the posting
then offered the chair to Jeffery.
Jeffery settled in and read over the information. Rather than
submitting a traditional resume, he would be provided with a
photograph, a name for the young man, and then Jeffery would write a
short story to go with the image using that name. Whether or not he
got the job, he thought just taking their test sounded like a blast.
“I see you’re intrigued.”
“It sounds like fun. And there’s a cool kind of irony to me maybe
finding work doing the very thing that started the mess with my
parents in the first place.” When Mr. Donatello frowned, Jeffery
explained about the stories he wrote about the boy. Mr. Donatello
nodded sympathetically. Jeffery made a note of the web address and e-
mail.
“You can apply right here, if you’d like.” Mr. Donatello pointed to
the e-mail address. “Just click on that hyperlink.”
When he did, an e-mail form popped up. Jeffery filled in the
information, including his personal e-mail address, and sent it off.
“And now you wait.” Mr. Donatello clapped him on the back.
“Good for you for taking the chance.”
“Are you going to apply?”
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“Oh, writing is not my strongest skill. I am a dedicated reader, and
I paint. That is my strongest art.”
That didn’t surprise Jeffery, given that Mr. Donatello occasionally
showed up for work with paint splotches on his hands. “Someday I’d
love to see your work.”
“Perhaps when I have the courage to share.”
“If I need someone to read over my work before I send it off,
would you...?”
“I’d be honored to. Truly.” Mr. Donatello looked pleased to even
be asked. “I think we’re done for the day. If you want to knock off a
bit early, I wouldn’t mind.”
Jeffery considered what he wanted to have waiting for Van in their
room. “I’m going to take you up on that.”
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Chapter 17
“Hey, Mom? It’s me, Van.” Given that he had four brothers, he
couldn’t just say it’s me and expect her to recognize his voice. Hell,
when his brothers called him, they all sounded alike, so Romeo “Van”
Vanderzant clued his mother into which one of her four sons was
calling her out of the blue on a Monday afternoon.
“Hello, sweetie!” His mother sounded genuinely glad to hear from
him. “How’s everything at Twin Pines College? Have you seen any
field time?”
Everyone in his family knew how important football was to him.
“Not yet,” Van admitted, “but I was late signing up. Next year,
though, I think I can move up to first string.”
“That would be wonderful!” There was a shuffle as his mother
covered the phone and called out, “Tibby? Get a move on or we’re
going to miss your practice!”
Tibby was his brother Tybalt’s nickname. Since his parents had
met and fallen in love during a production of Shakespeare’s Romeo
and Juliet, they had named their six children after characters in the
play.
“Mom?”
“Yes, dear, I’m listening. I just need to make sure he keeps his
attention on something for longer than ten seconds.”
Van knew she was paying attention to him, but he also knew she
was trying to do her best to give his brothers and sisters who were still
at home the very best of herself. If anyone was the queen of
multitasking, his mother was that woman.
“I want you to know that I love you.” Van spoke the words and
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then paused, wondering what his mother would make of that. He
couldn’t remember a time in the recent past when he’d just said those
simple yet powerful words.
“You called just to tell me that you love me?”
“Yes. I really love you and Dad.”
“Romeo, you know that I love you very, very much.” His mother
offered the words so effortlessly. “I want you to know that I love you
deeply.”
Van took a breath to calm himself. “I know, Mom. I just...” Van
trailed off, unsure how to put all his feelings into words. “I miss you.”
“Oh, sweetie, I miss you, too!” His mother must have cupped the
phone closer to her mouth, because he suddenly could hear her better.
“You know that I can’t wait to see you for the fall break.” His mother
paused. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Van.” His mother used his nickname, knowing that was more
likely to get an answer.
“I met someone.”
“Oh! That’s wonderful!” He could hear that his mother pulled the
phone over to the corner of the kitchen to gain some privacy.
“His name is Jeffery. I love him, Mom.”
“That’s such great news. What is he studying?”
“He’s a freshman like me, so we’re just getting all our general
education classes out of the way before we decide on majors.”
“So you can help one another study?”
“Yeah. He’s also my roommate.”
“That’s convenient.” His mother trilled laughter. “Will you bring
him home for—Tibby! Put down the extension!”
Van heard his mother fumble the phone, and then his brother,
Tybalt, snarked, “To continue your call, please deposit another
twenty-five hundred dollars—hey!”
There was another fumble, a click, and then his mother was back.
“Tybalt, if you don’t get your gear together and in the car in the
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next twenty seconds, I’m leaving you here!” His mother took a deep
breath. “Sorry about that.”
“No problem. Just Tibby being Tibby.”
“That boy. He’s responsible for more of my gray hair than the rest
of you combined!” She laughed. “Is everything really okay?”
“I just—something happened with my boyfriend’s parents that
made me realize I have really great parents and I never told you or
Dad that. So I thought I would.”
There was a long stretch of silence, and then he heard his mother
take a deep breath.
“Are you crying?”
“Yes. I’m a touched mother. It’s allowed.” She took a deep breath.
“I always thought someday you kids would appreciate your father and
me. I guess I didn’t think you’d grow up so fast away from home.”
“Well, I’m not too grown up. I still need you.”
“Aw. I’m really glad you called.”
“So am I.”
They chatted a bit more, but she had to get Tybalt to his football
game. He was the quarterback and a big deal, especially in his own
mind. But Van still loved him. He said good-bye to his mother and
clicked off his cell. Someday, when he had kids, he wanted to be like
his parents. Van wanted to do more than just provide the basics. He
wanted to give them the security of knowing that no matter what his
child did or didn’t do, his love was unconditional.
“And speaking of love, let’s go get some.” Van tucked his phone
into his front pocket and practically skipped his way across the quad
to the dorms. He bypassed the main stairwell, preferring to use the
north one, since hardly anyone ever used it. The exit door also opened
right next to his room. He ran up the flight of stairs and stepped out
into the hall.
Flint was down at the other end talking to someone. Unwilling to
be distracted from his mission to get some from his boyfriend, Van
ducked into his room as quietly as he could.
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“Wow.” He looked around the room and couldn’t believe he lived
here. “What did you do?”
“I thought I’d make it nice.” Jeffery was settled on the edge of his
bed.
“You made it clean.” Van lifted the covers and peeked under his
bed.
“What are you looking for?”
“I was just thinking you’d jammed everything under the bed.”
“No, I actually cleaned up. I was going to do some laundry later.”
“So we should mess up the sheets?” Van grinned.
“What I want to do shouldn’t make a mess.”
Van flashed him a dubious frown. “Ya know, messy sex is usually
better.”
“It is?” Jeffery stood.
“Usually.” Van noticed that Jeffery was keeping his hands behind
his back. “Okay, what are you doing?”
“We agreed that I’d be in charge this time.” Jeffery stepped closer.
“Or are you going to chicken out?”
“What are you planning to do to me?”
“You’ll see. Or rather, you’ll feel.” From behind his back, Jeffery
produced a long strip of fabric. “I’m going to blindfold you.”
“Kinky.” Van toed off his shoes and socks. “Want me all the way
undressed?”
“That would make my work a bit easier.”
While Van stripped down, Jeffery locked the door. He then turned
and watched him.
“Aren’t you going to get naked, too?”
“If you insist.”
“I do, I do.” Van bounced down onto his bed and watched as
Jeffery took off his clothing. He provided some tawdry bump-and-
grind music that made Jeffery laugh and toss his clothing at him. “Ah,
yeah, throw me the underwear.”
“You are so warped.”
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“You know it, baby.”
When Jeffery tossed him his briefs, Van pressed them to his face
and breathed in. “Ah, yeah. You smell good.”
“Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you just sniffed my fucking
underwear.”
“Hey, tighty-whities from your body are totally hot.” Van grinned
as he tossed them aside. “Now, about that blindfold.”
Jeffery slipped the fabric over Van’s eyes and tied the knot to the
side. “I don’t want this digging into your head when you lay back.”
“You are so very thoughtful.” Van struggled with him. “Wait,
where are you trying to put me?”
“I’m trying to put you sideways on the bed so that your ass is on
the edge.” Jeffery took one of the pillows from his bed and slid it
below Van’s bottom. He took his time lifting him into the perfect
position.
“What are you doing with the other pillow?”
“I’m putting it on the floor for my knees so the industrial carpet
doesn’t chew holes in my skin.”
Van pictured it. “I’m still just about dying of curiosity.”
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Chapter 18
“You’ll live.” From the drawer between their beds, Jeffery
removed his secret stash of items and settled them on the floor within
easy grabbing distance. The main reason he wanted Van blindfolded
was so that he wouldn’t know what was coming. “Now, just relax.”
“That’s a little difficult to do when I’m all excited.”
Jeffery noticed Van was already plenty hard. “I can see that.” He
reached over and stroked his cock, grinning when Van tightened his
buttocks. “Nice and stiff.”
“What are you—oh.”
Jeffery pushed his legs apart and stroked his fingers down, past his
sac, right to his tight pucker. Teasing his finger around in a circle
caused Van to squirm against the bed. When Jeffery lowered his face
and breathed against him, Van wriggled and moaned. When he
replaced his circling finger with his tongue, Van stopped all
movement and panted heavily.
“Take a deep breath, Van.” Jeffery chuckled.
“It just feels really fucking good.”
“I can tell.” Jeffery teased him until he was on the verge of climax
then added another element to his erotic torture. He grabbed one of
the items on the floor and poured a small amount on the tip of his
finger then stroked it around his pucker.
“What is that? Oh, God. It’s warm. And tingly.”
“Does it feel good?” Jeffery had seen the warming gel while in the
grocery store. He’d put it in his basket without a second thought. Even
when he was checking out, and the clerk gave him a curious look, he
didn’t blink. Not being overly self-conscious certainly had its perks.
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“It feels incredible.”
Jeffery stroked his finger around and around, watching how Van
struggled to hold still. When he slipped his finger inside, Van’s
breathing went haywire. Just when he probably thought things
couldn’t get any better, Jeffery rose up and pulled the tip of his cock
into his mouth.
There was no describing the sound Van made. It was partly a cry
of surrender but also a growl of hunger. While Jeffery sucked on
Van’s cock, swirling his tongue around the tender crown, he slid his
finger in and out of his hole.
“I’m going to come. Ah, Jeffery. Please let me look at you. I want
to see you.”
Jeffery lifted his mouth off of him only long enough to tell him to
remove the blindfold. Van wrenched it off and looked down right as
Jeffery took his prick back into his mouth.
“Oh, man. Your mouth around my cock is—I’ve never seen a
hotter sight.”
Jeffery sucked his cock in and out very fast while plunging his
finger.
“Fuck. Ah. Don’t stop. Ah, God, Jeffery!”
Van came so hard he curled up off the bed. He gushed into
Jeffery’s mouth and kept on gushing as Jeffery continued to suck
lightly.
“Fuck me. Seriously, Jeffery. Slide your cock in my ass. Please.”
Jeffery pulled his mouth off his prick. “Begging me to fuck you? I
love it.”
Van grinned as he looked at him. “I love you.”
Jeffery paused with his prick nestled against Van’s quivering
pucker. “Really?”
“Yeah. Why do you seem so surprised?”
“I guess—I just—I—”
“Shut up and fuck me.” Van cupped his hands behind his head.
“Great. I’m laughing, and you want hot sex.”
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Anitra Lynn McLeod
“Hey, that’s the only way to know you’re having a good time.
Laughter and fucking. It’s a great combo.”
“You’re crazy.” Jeffery pressed into him, loving the heat and snug
feel of his body.
“You love it.”
“I do. And I love you.”
Van grinned. “Come on, baby. All the way in.”
“Hold your horses. This is my first time, and I want to feel
everything.” The warming gel he’d applied to Van now tingled around
the tip of his cock. “Oh, man. I don’t think I’m going to last very
long.”
“That’s okay. We can do this again. And again. And—oh, man.”
Van’s eyes rolled up as Jeffery slid all the way inside. “You have no
idea how good that feels.”
“I have some idea after last night.” Jeffery grinned. “Now, let’s go
nice and slow here. No sudden moves.”
“Right.” Van clenched around his cock.
“Ah!” Jeffery struggled to keep from climaxing, but it was a
losing battle. He pulled back, flicked forward, burying himself as
deeply as he could, and came. “You bastard.”
“I know.” Van opened his arms. “Now snuggle me.”
Jeffery laughed as he lowered himself over Van.
“And to think, all I wanted to do was seduce you.” Van sighed.
“You did?”
“Yep. That was my goal. Seduce my shy, cute roommate. Who
knew it was going to turn out like this?”
“Disappointed?”
“Fuck no!” Van kissed the top of Jeffery’s head. “If I was any
happier, I’d be floating around singing.”
“I’d pay money to see that.”
“You and everyone else.” Van hugged him hard. “Are you
happy?”
Jeffery cleared his throat and warbled out a tune, which made Van
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129
laugh and sadly pushed Jeffery’s cock out of his snug, sexy ass.
“Damn.” Van kissed Jeffery. “I hate that part.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like I can leave it in there all the time.”
“That would make things complicated.” Van sighed. “We really
should get up and get motivated.”
“Motivated to do what?” Jeffery stayed right where he was.
“To get jobs. We need to make some money to keep you here.”
“I think I have a lead on something.” Jeffery told him about the
writing job at Hot Jocks.
“Ooh, I’ve heard about that place.”
“Yeah? Is it good?”
“Very.” Van fumbled around on the bed.
“What are you looking for?”
“My pants.”
Jeffery grabbed them. “Here.”
“Let me show you...ah, this is it.” In short order, Van had the
website pulled up on his phone. “See? Totally hot guys scantily clad.
Logan shoots for them.”
“Mr. Donatello mentioned that Mitch and Adrian are hugely
popular there.” Jeffery would love to write stories about both of them.
“Let me see—yeah, here. This is the most famous shot.”
Jeffery peered at an image of Adrian, who seemed to be floating
on black water. His pale skin made him seem almost like he was
carved from alabaster. “Holy shit!” Cocoa-brown briefs barely
contained his erection.
“Yeah. He’s packing some serious heat.”
“I can think of three story ideas just from one glimpse.” Jeffery’s
mind started ticking away on details.
“I think you’d be good at that. Writing dirty tales.” Van leaned up
and met Jeffery’s gaze. “You have lust in your soul.”
“I do?”
“Sure. All that pent-up desire from puberty until now. It will all
come out in your writing. Just do me a favor.”
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Anitra Lynn McLeod
“Name it.”
“Save some of your lust for me.”
Jeffery kissed him slow and sweet. “I can do that. And you do
realize that with these stories, I’ll have to field-test the ideas to make
sure they actually work.”
Van grinned. “I’m liking that idea a whole lot.”
“I had a feeling you would.”
“Ah, yeah.” Van hugged him hard. “I have a feeling we’re going
to be okay.”
“Me, too.” Jeffery snuggled against Van’s chest. There was still a
lot ahead of him, but he no longer feared the future. With Van by his
side and his bear-shifting brothers’ care and support, Jeffery knew he
could handle anything. “Everything is going to be okay.”
THE END
WWW.ANITRAMCLEOD.COM
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Reading, writing, and white-water rafting are the three things
Anitra Lynn McLeod enjoys the most. You can visit her at
www.AnitraMcLeod.com.
Also by Anitra Lynn McLeod
Everlasting Classic ManLove: Twin Pines Grizzlies 9:
Dedicated Alpha
Everlasting Classic ManLove: Twin Pines Grizzlies 10:
Dangerous Alpha
Everlasting Classic ManLove: Twin Pines Grizzlies 11:
Daring Alpha
Everlasting Classic ManLove: Twin Pines Grizzlies 12:
Proud Alpha
Everlasting Classic ManLove: Twin Pines Grizzlies 13:
Dominant Alpha
For all other titles, please visit
Siren Publishing, Inc.
www.SirenPublishing.com
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