Microsoft Word - Document1

Young Pilgrims by ineedyoursway

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6562584/1/

grande chai tea latte

one half whole milk

one half chai concentrate

steam to 145

half an inch of foam

Edward Cullen walked into my life without a care in the world

(I assumed.)

He was wealthy

(I assumed.)

Talented

(I assumed.)

Beautiful

(I knew.)

Because I could tell by the way that he moved

Pure, aching tenderness

Pure, aching charisma

Eat your heart out

He comes here every Sunday

I mean, so do I, but it's different

Hell, I work here.

I'm here every god damn mother fucking second of my life

(Except Tuesday and Thursday)

(Except my sporadic classes at South Seattle CC)

Got a problem?

He comes at the same time, too

It's a common time

It's not strange or anything

He comes at noon

People are lazy on Sundays

They get up late, come in late, need espresso to make it through the afternoon

Like Sandra

She has two kids, Sandra. And a dog.

Sometimes she leaves her dog outside, tied up to the bike racks

I don't know

Her kids are always crazy I mean, they pull at her hair, her earrings

They're the type that hang people's legs

I mean, the type that accidentally change to the legs of a stranger while still
thinking they're on Sandra's

I feel bad for the stranger

It's always the same reaction

There's a strange kid on my leg.

Fucking now what?

Nothing. You have to deal. Sucks.

Sandra comes in right before Edward

I don't even see Sandra anymore I just hear the alarm

Edward's next, Edward's next, Edward's next

I'm getting ahead of myself, though

I mean, I didn't know his name when I first met him

I mean, he didn't even introduce himself to me

I mean, I overheard his name being called out by one of his friends

Anyway

He comes in like the beautiful people do

Smiling, little crease dimples

Lips slightly chapped

Biting cold

He shivers and it's still beautiful

Takes off his jacket

Takes off his athletic bag (It's slung over his shoulder when he walks in. It's
always slung over his shoulder when he walks in)

Today there's an umbrella

He shakes off the rain, creating a mini puddle by the door

I'll be cleaning that later

Bastard

"Hello," he says

And like a moth to a flame

I'm dead.

I smile

It's fake

I'm still dead

"What can I get for you?"

"Grande chai tea latte?"

I don't know if he's insecure or whatever, but everything he orders sounds like a
question

Now, normally, that would put me off

Make up your damn mind

It's your damn order

Right?

But instead I just smile and nod

"Of course."

And I take his credit card

And bam, bam, bam

Just like that

It's over

I stand by the espresso machine

The douche is playing on the radio

Sorry, I mean John Mayer is playing on the radio

I've memorized the words

I only hear it every day

And I'm free, free fallin'

I'm not free

Or falling

Thanks anyway

I hand him his drink

I don't know his name (at this point, anyway)

Right now he's just red

Red lips

Red hair

Red eyes

Red ears

Red cheeks

Just red

He nods a thanks

I mean, he ducks his head just a bit.

He does the same when walking out the door

He doesn't make eye contact with most people

He doesn't make eye contact with me

I mean, it's not like I'm anything special

It's not like he saw me one day and had an epiphany

It's not like he was all,

"Oh, Bella Swan, you're so beautiful, you're so lovely, you're so clumsy (err,
scratch that last part), you're so innocent, you have such small hands. I love you.
Marry me?"

Because, three things

I dub this the Bella Swan triad:

One

I am undoubtedly average

Two

I live my life unnoticed

Three

I don't have small hands

Small hands are weird

You can't, like, hold things

That night, I close down the cafe

Outside, the stars are glowing faintly

The city lights are omnipresent

Overshadowing

Exhausting

Like we can't stand too much natural beauty so we have to push it out, away

Replace it with ideals

Replace it when the ideals change

Knock it down, build it up.

Repeat

I wipe off the tables

Cyclical

I call my apartment "Alice"

I mean, I didn't name my apartment

That would be weird

Alice just lives there

And it looks like she's the only one that lives there

Because I've yet to make a mark on anything

Ever

With anyone

She's out with her boyfriend when I come home

She usually is, anyway

It's not like this is surprising

It's kind of nice, actually

Splitting the rent with someone who doesn't even live here, I mean

Alice attends some classes with me at SSCS

Her boyfriend goes to UW

He lives in a frat

So, naturally, I changed his name from Jasper to Brosper

He's nice enough

He's not around much either

I think they love each other too much for anything else to matter

Is that healthy?

I fall asleep on the couch

When I wake up, it's like I've only blinked

Mondays are slow

I sit with my chin resting in my palm, my eyes drooping, my soul tired

The little bell above the door rings, but I don't hear it

I do, eventually, hear the

"Hello? Excuse me?"

I startle awake

"Sorry. Hi."

Well, hello, Red.

Seeing him without Sandra's preemptive presence throws me off

I mean, it isn't even a Sunday

Can't anyone be at least a little predictable anymore?

"What can I get for you?"

My thoughts are garbled, jumbled, broken

I'm surprised my words aren't the same

"Two grande chai lattes"

-he hesitates-

"Please?"

"Sure."

I ring him up.

He starts pulling money from his pocket.

It is crinkled.

Usually he uses a card, but not today.

He's 50 cents short

I tell him

He stares at me dumbly

His eyes open

Really open

They're green

Evergreen

I tell him again

"I need 50 more cents"

He digs his hands deep into his pockets

His face is endless

His face is something else, though, too

It's desperate

The bell chimes again

"Edward, is something wrong?"

This is the first time I've heard his name

It's monumental

The girl walking through the doorway has hair pulled back so tightly it looks
painful

It's in a bun

Her skin is starched

Pale

Perfect

She has on make up, an oversized coat, and ballet shoes dangling from curled
fingers

She looks flustered, but happy

I want to breathe like her

Fill my lungs and taste the air

Edward turns around

"I'm 50 cents short"

She pulls change from her pocket

"Here"

He blushes

"Thanks"

He's a mumbler

I watch them walk out together, Edward's athletic bag slung over his shoulder

In their absence, nothing has changed

Except the knowledge that now I know his name.

~*~

tall peppermint mocha

two pumps chocolate syrup

two pumps peppermint syrup

single shot of espresso

steam to 145

stir and add whip (optional)

Brosper is sitting in the kitchen

In only his boxers

Cool

His hands cradle a steaming cup of coffee

The kind that Alice is addicted to

Like crack or heroin or cocaine

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic

He looks up when I shuffle in

His hair is disheveled

My thoughts are disheveled

It's biting early morning

The kind of cold that leaks through the cracks in the windows

The kind of cold that sticks to your bones

And lingers

"Hey Bella," he grunts

It's still dark outside

The kitchen is illuminated by the glowing green lights on the stove

"Brosper," I acknowledge

I imagine Alice

All elbows and limbs

Sprawled beneath the sheets and blankets on her bed

Her hair wild

Her cheeks flushed

Her heart happy, fulfilled

Brosper stands, his coffee close to his chest

"Off to work then?" he asks

I nod

I'm running late and don't have time for breakfast

Or for him

My mornings are all like this

Cruel, repeated dreams

Groundhog day, I don't know

They're the same each time

Wake up, find Brosper, run late, miss the bus, wait in the rain, curse to myself,
dodge a homeless person

Angela, my early-morning co-worker, is already at the café

"You're late," she says

Her seniority makes her an ass

Just like seniority makes everyone an ass

The thing is, she's over 40

She's been working in the café for just under 15 years

She once told me:

"I feel like I'm standing in a room with no doors. And, from the floor, rises coffee.
It's brown and thick, like mud in a rainforest. Eventually, I'm going to drown.
Then, after I'm dead, I'm going to realize that I've spent my whole life here,
making coffee for strangers."

I apologize and pull the blinds up

The sun is just rising

The streets look as though they are covered in hazy smoke

There are few people

Most wear suits

They look like statues

They might as well be

Made of stone, as everyone is

From somewhere in the back, Angela turns up the music

And I'm free, free fallin'

Still not falling

Still definitely not free

Angela leaves a few hours later

She says that she has to pick up her sick aunt from the airport

Again

After the morning rush, it is quiet

I play solitaire on my phone

A few customers come in, but they don't order anything

They pull out their fancy lap tops and sit in corner booths, utterly engrossed

When I go around cleaning the tables, I peer over the shoulder of a girl watching
America's Next Top Model

Did I mention utterly engrossed?

I'm in the back grabbing more bags of coffee beans when she comes in

It's the girl from a few weeks back

The one that came in with Edward, the one that gave him the change

I might not have recognized her had she not been dressed in the same way

Large coat

Hair pulled back

Doe eyes

"What can I get for you?" I ask

She looks at me distractedly

"Umm . . . a tall peppermint mocha, please."

I ring her up

She starts to walk away, then turns back

Her body is built on an axis

She is the center of gravity

"Actually, I was wondering something."

How am I supposed to respond to that?

"Yes?"

Good enough

"There's this guy that comes here every Sunday or so. He has red hair. I mean,
brownish red. Green eyes. I was just wondering if you've seen him. I'm looking
for him."

I know immediately who she is talking about

Edward

I think back

I've seen Sandra twice now, but no Edward

Something akin to panic swells in my stomach

It expands

I look at this girl's face

I mean, really look

It is frayed at the seams

Ragged

Like she hasn't slept, eaten, dreamed, hoped

The panic has been in her stomach for longer

It has pushed its way outward

It's leaking from her eyes

"I haven't, I'm sorry."

My voice trembles a bit

She doesn't notice

"Okay. That's fine."

It isn't fine

She isn't fine

I'm not fine

Nothing's fine

She grabs her mocha and leaves

I wish I could ask her to stay

I wish I could ask her to tell me when she finds something out

I wish I could ask her to let me help her

I wish I could ask her to do anything she can in her ability to find him

But I can't

And I won't

I just sit here

Behind the counter

Stuck to the floor

Stuck to the linoleum

Stuck to myself

And John Mayer is fucking still free falling

I wish he would hit rock bottom already

Join the rest of us poor, lowly souls

Bastard

Customers trickle in and out the rest of the afternoon

I am preoccupied

My heart beat feels uneven

Lopsided

Weighed down by the sinking in my chest

I'm about to close when he comes in

Edward, I mean

Obviously

Who else would make me feel like flying

Just by being in the room?

He looks haggard

He is haggard

His athletic bag is over his shoulder

It is damp, along with his clothes

This makes sense, for outside water dumps onto the pavement

Quickly, his eyes dart from my face to the clock on the wall

"You're almost closed, aren't you?" he asks

His voice is empty

His voice has given up

"We're open for an extra hour on Fridays," I lie

He looks at me with a dubious expression

But shuffles to a corner booth

His body slumps over the table

"Is this one of those places where I have to order or can I just sit?" he asks

He then blushes furiously

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so blunt. I'm just tired."

"You're not being blunt. You don't have to order."

I pull the pastries from the display case and begin packaging them in saran wrap

I do this slowly, surreptitiously watching as he crosses his arms over the table

He rests his head on them

Within minutes, he's asleep

After everything I could possibly do has been finished, I walk over to him

I hover

His jacket rises and falls steadily

It is still darkened by the rain

He is cold

I place my hand on his shoulder

I am cold

I always have been

He startles awake, his body convulsing as he rockets upward

His head slams into the back of the booth with a startling crash

"Fuck," he curses, his hand darting to the back of his head

Blood is on his fingers

Battle wounds

Of rust

And putrid

Violent

Red

I see his eyes, just for a moment

Creased worry

And then I faint

~*~

grande caramel macchiato

three pumps vanilla syrup

steam to 145, milk in first

double shot through the foam

caramel syrup on top

I wake up sometime around nine

Or ten

I don't really know

It's dark

But not dark enough to hide the embarrassment

That's clear as day on my face

Edward's brow his furrowed

His hands are clean

He sits across from me in the booth

He is no longer damp

How long was I out?

Did I hurt anything?

Quickly, my hands scan all the parts of my body

That are most commonly injured

"You hit your head," Edward supplies

I reach up where, sure enough, a welt is growing

I touch it and scowl

"Great," I mutter

"Are you okay?"

Stupid question

Of course I'm not okay

I'm sitting across from probably the most beautiful person in the world

(Well, except for Johnny Depp)

After I fainted right in front of said person

With my work uniform on

And the back of my head pounding

Pounding

Like a

Dull

Beating

Drum

"I'm okay."

"I should go. I mean, I was here. I mean, I wasn't trying to be creepy. I was just
trying to help. I was just trying to help you, I mean."

He ducks and rubs the back of his head

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't hurt."

"I'm not. Blood squicks me out. That's all."

When did I become so eloquent?

Where was the bumbling, drooling idiot

That hides behind the register

Counting the days

Minutes

Seconds

Until she dies?

"Sorry."

"Is your head okay?"

"My head?"

He seems surprised

Maybe he didn't realize he possessed a head

"Oh, yeah, it's fine."

He touches it, reminding himself that it's where it belongs—atop his shoulders

"Your booth is sharp."

Sorry, let me sand it down for you?

There is a pause

It's bloated with silence

"Okay, well, I'll just go."

The sound of him leaving the booth is loud

It roars in my ears like the surf

Pushing and pulling and rolling

He slides his bag across the table

Hoists it over his shoulder

As he takes a step, all of the contents fall to the ground

"Shit," he curses

He put it on upside down

His face is defeated again

Instead of picking up the contents of his bag, he rubs the spot between his
eyebrows

Like a weary, conquered soldier

With nowhere else to run

Carefully, I peer over the edge of the table

To what the athletic bag

Vomited on the floor

I do not see what I expected

I did not expect to see anything

Instead, there is a clump of fabric

From beneath the fabric peeks out a ballet shoe

Its sole worn down

Black

From use

There's a water bottle

Two pairs of street clothes

And a rusty key that looks like it belongs in a drawer somewhere

Or in a cupboard full of secrets

He notices me looking and springs into action

Throwing the contents back into his bag with remarkable speed

And then he sprints out the door

Into the rain

He doesn't look back

I'm gathering my things when I notice it

The one ballet shoe

Halfway beneath the booth

Cloaked by shadows

I feel like some sort of lopsided, backwards

Cinderella

With one shoe

And an unknown destiny

I wait for a little longer

See if he'll realize what he's forgotten

To no avail

I take the shoe home with me

It feels like a keepsake

Locket

Promise

Alice sees it on the kitchen table when she comes home

"What's this?" she asks

I'm watching Teen Mom

I don't bother to look up

"Dunno," I answer

I hear her walk over

She drops the shoe into my lap and crosses her arms over her chest

"Where's Brosper?" I ask, attempting to divert the conversation

"At some frat thing." (Surprise.) "Whose is this?"

She's curious because she knows I don't have friends

Except for her and Brosper

And maybe my parents

But everyone knows that they don't exactly count

"Some guy left it in the café today."

"A guy? You know this is a ballet shoe, right? Also, a guy?"

"I know what it is."

"A guy?"

"Yes."

"A guy you are friends with?"

"No."

"You're boring."

"Go away."

She sticks out her tongue at me

Then shoves her face into some Ben and Jerry's

And joins me on the couch

I have two classes the next day

One in Boring and the other in Boring

I wouldn't be able to explain the differences between the two classes if you paid
me

Afterward, I spend some time with my television before driving to Forks

To catch up with my dad

He's lonely

I know this

Because I'm lonely, too

He has me over for dinner

Well, he takes me out to dinner

I don't mind

I don't exactly have the money to eat out much

He asks me how school is

He asks me how work is

He asks me how Alice is

He asks me how I am

To all of which

I give my standard

"Fine"

I leave just as the sun falls beneath the horizon

And the rain clouds clog up the sky

The next morning I arrive just after Angela

"Someone was looking for you yesterday," she says, right off the bat

"Who?" I ask

No one ever looks for me

Not that I'm complaining

I don't look for anyone

"Some guy who says he thinks you have his shoe. He seemed pretty desperate. I
guess he really wanted his shoe"

I stare at her blankly

"I do," I finally say. "I have the shoe. Did he leave a number or something?"

"No," she replies. "He said he'd stop by today. I told him when you worked"

I stand for a moment

My whole body

Buzzing

"What are you doing? Take down the chairs already."

It's near the end of my shift when he finally comes in

I'm making someone a caramel macchiato

It gives me a chance to spy as he comes forward

One of his hands running nervously through his hair

I've never seen someone so

Distraught

At wit's end

He sees me and starts over immediately

I feel a wave of security

A feeling of being wanted

I relish in it

"Hi again," he speaks quickly, like he can't get the words out of his mouth fast
enough

"Hi."

I don't know what else to say

Because I am quite obviously socially retarded

In the background, John Mayer is free falling

Hopefully

His death

You can't fall forever

"I was wondering . . . did I leave my shoe here with you? That night, I mean."

His eyes dart around like this is some kind of risqué conversation

It occurs to me that, had I been an eavesdropper, it would sound like one

And had it been a perfect world

All of those assumptions

Would be true

"I have it in the back."

There are only two other customers in the café

One is an old woman eating a croissant

The other is a man perusing the newspaper

"Follow me."

He ducks behind the counter

And we head into the stock room

I pull the shoe from behind a large back of coffee beans

"Is this it?"

I know it is

He looks so relieved

He looks like he wants to cry

"Yes. Yeah, that's it."

I hand it to him and he feels the fabric

When he looks up, there is more emotion in just his eyes

Than I have felt

In my entire life

"Thank you so much," he says

And hugs me

Like an old friend

Or a beloved

Startled, I awkwardly hug him back

Until he lets go

Because it ran too long

And ended too soon

~*~

tall dirty chai

half milk, half chai

single shot of espresso

steam to 145

Edward lets go quickly

Almost like he's been electrocuted

He takes two steps back

Quick, decisive steps

That's all he can take before he backs straight into a rack of coffee beans

Two bags fall

Landing on the floor

Breaking open and spilling outward

Edward looks at them blankly

"I can't get anything right around you," he says

But mostly to himself

Like I'm not really here

Watching every single one of his movements

With some sick fascination

That makes me feel crazy

He looks me straight in the eye, then

And the stare is so piercing

It's like he sees straight into my soul

It can't be much of a view

When he kisses me

Impulsively

Quickly

Beautifully

I don't feel it in my lips

I feel it my toes

My fingers

My eyelids

Every place that shouldn't be warm, is

Before he can pull too far away, I've got my hands fisted in his hair

Pulling

Pushing

His mouth opens

I've only ever done this with one other person

In high school

With a boy

(Just a boy)

Named Jake

He will always be a boy, I think

He's one of those people that doesn't age

Just stays the same no matter when you see him

He's reliable like that

He's unsurprising like that

And that's why we fit together

Until the day he cheated on me

With a girl named Emily

When I asked him why

He said

"Our relationship was just too predictable. It never felt exciting."

I wondered if I ever felt the same

I never did

Because you have to feel something before you miss it

Kissing Edward is different than kissing Jake

For one, I know nothing about Edward

There is mystery

Intrigue

And Edward knows nothing about me

He doesn't even know my name

I could be anyone

I could be no one

I am one of the two

He just doesn't know which one

His hands fist in my shirt and pull it over my head

Fingers greedily skimming the fabric of my bra

The cup

His lips are on my neck

And I know this is moving too quickly

And I know I don't care

I feel the self-doubt creep in

It starts somewhere in the recesses of my brain

In those dark, dusty corners

Where I wonder if I'm skinny enough

Pretty enough

Smart enough

Good enough

Because when only one other person has seen you like this

Naked and vulnerable and raw

You don't know

Quite exactly

How you compare

"Edward," I breathe

Because his tongue is in that spot

That makes my toes curl

And my heart race

And my breath quicken

I don't know when it happened

But his shirt is on the floor

His pants are unbuttoned

And his belt hangs separated like a limp

Snake

His chest heaves up and down

His hands burn

I touch him

Barely

He reacts

"Rose," he moans

I don't know what I feel

Empty again

I guess

Maybe it was just hiding

Maybe it never left

I back up

Clutching my breasts

That are now bare

And cold

He pants in surprise

His hair is a mess

His face is a mess

Of emotion

"Please leave," I say

His face transforms from confusion to distress to understanding to apologetic

"I'm so sorry," he tries to say, tries to apologize

And then I realize this is the point where he's supposed to say my name

But he doesn't even know it

"Just leave, please," I sigh

"I keep fucking up," he cries, like he can't contain it anymore

Mechanically, I pick up my clothing and put it on

When I'm fully dressed

He's still in the same position

His back resting against the coffee beans

His eyes glazed over, looking off into the distance

At that point

Just over my shoulder

"I have to get back to work. You can stay here if you want."

I leave

Almost a full hour later, I see him slink out the front door

Attempting to go unnoticed

I watch his back as he blends into the rain

That night, I cry

The kind of great, monstrous tear that I didn't know I was capable of

Alice is at some frat thing with Jasper

I saw her leave dressed up as that Mario Kart character

That looks like her face is a vagina

The pink one

I don't know

Brosper was Mario

It makes sense, I guess

It's October 1st

Fair game for all the Halloween parties to start

And never end

I figure she won't come home tonight

Given that she isn't home most nights

I fall asleep early to the sound of the rain on the roof

The next morning, Alice is passed out on the couch

I have no idea where Brosper is

But apparently she never managed to make it out of her costume

Before she threw up on her shoes

I poke her forehead until she wakes up

Disoriented and hung over

She sits up and gags

"What the fuck is all over my shoes?" she asks, both appalled and outraged

"Your barf. Or someone else's barf. Brosper's barf?" I offer

"What time is it?"

"Time to get a watch"

"Oh, I'm Bella and I'm so hilarious," Alice sneers "If I come into the café today
will you make me my Alice is hung over drink?"

"Dirty chai?"

Alice nods

She stands, but sits back down immediately

"Better make it a double."

Today is busy

Sundays usually are

I'm attending to customers for most of the morning

And almost miss it when Alice walks in

She sits in a corner booth

Huge sunglasses perched atop her ski slope of a nose

She looks entirely out of place

I make her drink and bring it over

Sitting across from her

She takes a sip

"How was the party?" I ask, just for something to ask

"I don't know, it was typical. Except this one guy stripped down naked and tried
to crowd surf"

"That's weird"

"I guess. I don't know. He was crossfaded, I think"

"Oh"

She then launches into some story about how Brosper was being hit on by a girl
dressed up as Luigi

And I tune her out in about six seconds flat

Through the reflection on Alice's sunglasses, I see him walk in

He's carrying the same bag

He's in the same clothes

And he very obviously hasn't showered

He looks disoriented

Especially when he sees that no one is behind the register

He saunters up

Like he doesn't know exactly where to put his feet

Before resting his elbows against the counter

His eyes wander to the bell

That requests the customer to ring for service

His palm hesitates over it

Like he's wondering if the bell might bite

Alice sees me watching him

"Who's that?" she asks

I sigh

"That's Edward"

"Edward Edward?"

"What does that even mean?"

"You know, ballet shoe guy"

"I have to go talk to him"

"I'm coming"

"You're so not coming"

She makes a face and sips her chai

I walk up to him and place my hand on his shoulder

He jumps

Practically launches into outer space

Before turning around

"You scared me," he says

"Sorry," I half-heartedly apologize

Then he just looks at me

"What?" I prompt

"I came to apologize. You weren't supposed to apologize," he says

"Apologize for what?"

"For what happened. I mean, yesterday"

"Nothing to apologize for," I dismiss

He fidgets, wrings his hands together

"Yes there is. I said the wrong name. I just—my head wasn't in a good place. It
still isn't, I guess. It never is, I guess"

And I truly have to admire such honesty

"It's okay. You don't know my name"

Sheepishly, he rubs the back of his neck

"Can I get your name?"

~*~

drip

When I tell him my name

He lets it roll around on his tongue for awhile

"Bella," he repeats

As if I've forgotten

It looks like he's memorizing it

His eyes—if possible—grow brighter

I see Alice eying me

From the booth

Her sunglasses pushed to the top of her head

Holding back the hair

"Well, I have to get back to work," I say

He seems surprised

"Right. Well, I'll see you around. Or I'll see you here or something"

"Okay. Yeah, maybe. Bye"

And that's that

Like not everything we have said so far

Has had some hidden intonation

Of lust

Fall in, fall out

I close up for the night

I have two days off

Angela is training some new girl

I can't remember her name

Or her age

Or even what she looks like

But she'll be joining the ranks soon

And she'll never leave

Just like the rest of us

Alice coerces me into going to one of Brosper's many events

She pleads and bribes me with ice cream

The one thing I can't deny

(Along with all other types of food)

She dresses like a slut

Then dresses me up like a slut

And then we're ready to go

Perfect

The house is sweaty, sticky, gigantic, and pulsating

Just like every frat guys' dick

It only takes minutes for me to get overwhelmed

And overheated

Alice wanders over with Brosper

Behind them is a girl

That Alice seems very eager about

She introduces her to me

And I can't bring myself to care

A single thing about her

In the end

I don't even remember her name

Only minutes later

I tell Alice (scream to Alice) that I'm heading outside

She nods distractedly

Her arm draped over Brosper's shoulder

As he pours her another shot

Outside, people huddle in circles

Smoking grade A Pacific Northwest weed

Their sharp inhales are audible

All the way across the lawn

The air smells of it

Sweet and tangy

The smoke drifts around

The sea of glazed eyes

And vacant faces

I rest my back against the side of the house

The air is damp

Three girls

All of their arms hooked together

Walk clumsily up the road

On each of their cheeks is stamped a purple "W"

It must be game day

Or maybe not

One girl breaks from the group

Stumbles over to the string of hedges that line the sidewalk

And pukes

Go huskies?

Absentmindedly, I walk away from the smokers

I cross NE 45th street and head deeper into campus

It's pretty quiet

Save for the occasional student

Meandering in between the residence halls

And Greek row

Most are in sweatshirts

With umbrellas dangling from their wrists

As they slosh through wayward puddles

I make my way through the quad

The branches of the trees cloaked in nighttime

Up ahead, the bright lights of the library

Shine across the square

Onto a large group of people exiting

Meany Hall

The performing arts center

They are dressed in fine clothes

And they all look eerily similar

As though borne from the same mold

At the same time

I wander toward them

Feeling underdressed

And depressed

My hair has fallen low

The formerly high bun

Sagging toward my shoulders

It has given up to gravity

The group is chatting

Seemingly drunk on happiness

Seemingly oblivious to the world

To the impending rain

That cackles above their head

Ravaging the clouds

The skies open up

The rain tumbles down

Umbrellas are extracted and raised

Groups huddle beneath them

Rushing to their cars

To their homes

To their lives

I sit in the rain

On the stairs beneath the monstrosity that is Kane Hall

All cement and brick and condescension

My dress is soaked in minutes flat

And in the rain

It's impossible to tell

When I'm crying

A group of three or four stragglers exit the theater

They notice the rain and yelp

Two girls and a boy

And I recognize him

And I don't understand

How God could hate me so much

To throw me in his path so repeatedly

In a city filled with so many people

And he notices me

I see his head turn in my direction

His eyes squint into the damn darkness

He says something to the other two

And jogs over

The rain makes his hair flat against his forehead

And while it's too dark to make out his features

My breath still catches in my throat

And it is hard to breathe

"Bella?"

He has to yell

The rain is coming down so hard on the bricks

That the roar is deafening

"What are you doing out here?"

I don't know

What am I doing anywhere?

"Come on, let's go inside"

He holds a small book over his heads

Attempting to deflect the rain

I stand up

My shoes in my hand

My bare feet making small splashes on the brick

Inside Meany Hall

I feel drowned, then

Coughed up on the shore of some distant beach

Rejected from my home

I shiver

He takes off his jacket

Wraps it around my shoulders

Grabs my hand

Leads me past the rows and rows of seats

Up to the balcony

"What were you doing out there alone? Do you know how dangerous that is?"

He sounds distressed

He is distressed, I guess

"I was with Alice"

He doesn't know who Alice is

He doesn't mention it

He stands up

Paces back and forth quickly, two times

Then sits back down

His jacket smells like him

And earth

And hardship

"What was showing here tonight?" I ask

He looks at me from the side

His jaw sharp and defined

"The ballet," he answers, almost hesitantly

"And you were in it?" I question

I don't know what made me ask it

I think I knew all along

That he was a dancer

His responding nod isn't really an answer

It's more of a confirmation of what I already knew

"Do you have somewhere to sleep tonight?" I ask

I notice that his athletic bag is absent

I've never seen him without it before

His fists clench in response to my question

I imagine his nails digging into his palms

"Yes, I do," he answers quickly, sharply

"I didn't mean to offend you," I say

"You didn't," he lies "Do you need me to get you home?"

"No," I respond

I take off his jacket

"Keep it," he says

And I wonder just how many jackets he has to spare

When he offers me it

Still, I take it

If only to have something of his

That I can keep near my heart for awhile

~*~

tall latte

one shot espresso

milk steam to 145

foam

Edward is uncomfortable

I can tell

It's like I can taste it

He hovers behind me as I walk out into the night

"Are you sure you don't need me to get you home?" he asks

Again

"I'm positive. I'm going back to Greek row"

He looks unconvinced

"If something happens, I—" he begins, then stops

I think he realizes that he has nothing to offer

I smile

It's hollow

"I'll see you soon, then" I say

Because fate has that way of bringing us together

And I have a funny feeling it won't stop

I walk back to Greek Row with Edward's jacket draped over my shoulders

The rain has stopped now

Thick, heavy drops

Fall from the trees

When the wind shakes the branches

I dodge them as I make my way

Back to the party

Where nothing has changed since I left

I weave my way through the house

Trying to find my way to Alice

As I walk between the throngs of people, I get groped

Twice

I find her out back

Dazed and confused

Her lips parted

Smoke leaking through them

Brosper is nowhere to be found

"Where's Brosper?" I ask

She takes awhile

Just to focus on my face

"Who?"

"Brosper! Jasper! Where's Jasper?"

She looks around

Bewildered

"He was just here," she says

I rub my forehead

Feeling disgustingly sober

And hating every minute of it

Thankfully, Brosper comes wandering up

His hands still zipping up his pants

"I was taking a piss," he says

"Fantastic," I drawl in response "I'm leaving and taking Alice's car"

"You're such a drab," Alice whines, pulling on Brosper's arm

I ignore her

Reluctantly, she hands me her keys

Even though it's late

And the only thing that should be playing on the radio

Is infomercials

John Mayer manages to croon his way in

Before I have a chance to silence him

I fall asleep on top of the covers

With my shoes still on

And Edward's jacket

Pulled tight

Underneath my chin

The next morning

My phone alarm shrieks angrily from inside my pocket

I slap my hand to my forehead

Having completely forgotten about

What I had to do today

For my class in Sociology (AKA Boring) at SSCS

I'm required to do some shitty

Service learning requirement

Where I have to go out into the community

And help people

Gross

And, naturally, it's on my day off

At the crack of dawn

I pull myself out of bed

And don't even bother to brush my hair

I stare at myself in the mirror

I look hung over

I look like a carcass

I have to pinch my cheek

To remind myself

That I'm alive

I've set up some arrangements

With the a Seattle soup kitchen

Just north of the U-District

Alice's car still sits in the parking lot

And I decide to take it

Even though I know she'll get mad at me

The first second she gets home and sees it missing

It doesn't take me long to get there

Which is good

Seeing as I'm already ten minutes late

The sun has just enough time to rise over the building

As I throw my car in park

And race through the back entrance

I used to volunteer here with Charlie

When we came into the city

For weekend trips

I feel a curious nostalgia

That bites at my fingertips

And the edges of my heart

As I walk into the kitchen area

And recognize some of the staff

"Bella, is that you?" an old woman asks

I recognize her

But at the same time, I don't

"Yeah, sorry I'm late," I apologize

"It's no problem, dear. It's great to see you again. How is your father?"

I commence with the obligatory small talk

When all I really want is a cup of coffee

A book

And some quiet

She sets me up in front

Where they're serving the long line of homeless

That leak out the side of the building

And trail down the street

They vary in ages, sizes, colors

Many have very obviously just come down from a high

That might have lasted them all night

And made them feel invincible

But now they're just hungry

For a meal

And kindness

Others don't look like they've just come down

They look like they fell long ago

And simply can't get up

Mechanically, I hand each of them sacked lunches

That were probably prepared the night before

I forgot that there were things in my life

That used to make me feel good

A few of the men

Usually the older ones

Try to chat with me as I hand them their food

Their innocence is endearing

As they ask about my life, school, work

But I keep them moving

Until they go and sit down at the tables

And share their troubled lives with strangers

It's near noon when he comes in

And this time, I'm not surprised

At first, he doesn't see me

His back his hunched

And he stands next to an older man

With golden, sunny hair

Who could be attractive

Had he shaved and showered

The older man steps up first

With Edward standing behind him

Still staring at his feet

The athletic bag looking damn near

The weight of the world

I hand the man his lunch

He nods in polite thanks, then steps down

Edward steps up next

And I fear he won't even see me

Until he looks up at the very last second

And freezes

Like he's been hit Medusa's gaze

And turned into stone

I notice that he wears a different jacket

But it's much too large

There is a nametag stitched to the lapel

That says "Carlisle" in blocky script

"Bella," he says

I want to skip all of this awkwardness

I want to skip all of the explanations

I don't want him to put him through it

"I have your jacket in the back. Hold on," I respond

Even though he didn't ask for it

I duck into the back and bring the jacket out

By the time I've returned

So has the older man

He stands protectively by Edward's side

But his eyes crinkle

With a seemingly permanent smile

"So you're Bella, then?" the older man asks as I hand Edward back his jacket

"Yes?"

It sounds like a question

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Carlisle. I've heard so much about you," he
says, reaching over the counter to shake my hand

Edward is blushing beet red

As he pulls his jacket over his shoulders

He hands the other jacket to Carlisle

Who takes it distractedly

"Carlisle, we're holding up the line," Edward mutters, nudging him

Carlisle sighs and smiles

"So we are," he says

He reminds me of a wise man

A sage

Someone who knows far beyond his years

But carries the knowledge tucked close to his chest

"Perhaps when you're off you will come sit with us?" he asks, gesturing to the
tables

"It'll be another half an hour," I say hesitantly

"Oh, we'll wait," Carlisle grins

When they walk over to the tables

I see Edward left the collar of his jacket up over his nose

And inhale

As I finish serving the last of the line

I watch them

They talk quietly, separated from the other men

Edward nods a number of times while Carlisle speaks

And I wonder if I've just met

His father

~*~

grande peppermint hot chocolate

three pumps chocolate

three pumps peppermint

steam to 145

whip (optional)

As casually as humanly possible

I walk over to Edward and Carlisle

I receive some strange looks when I sit down

That I studiously ignore

Edward scoots a bit to his right

In order to allow me space

He eats quickly

Like he's afraid that the food with disappear

If he doesn't finish it soon enough

When he's finished

He throws his trash in the bag

And looks at it forlornly

"I can get you another one," I offer

Knowing where the extras

Are stashed in the back

Edward opens his mouth to reply

But is cut off by Carlisle

"Now, we don't want to take more than our share. Right, Edward?"

Carlisle still has over half of his sandwich left

He's making it last, I guess

"Right. No. I mean, no thank you, Bella."

"If you're sure," I trail off

We are silent for a few

Uncomfortable minutes

I clear my throat

"So, you and Edward live together?"

"That we do," Carlisle smiles "Ever since he got to the city."

"When was that?" I ask

"Oh, about two years ago. Right, Edward?"

Edward nods

Ducks his head

Rubs the back of his neck with his palm

"You're not related, then?" I assume

"No, no. I'm kind of Edward's guardian."

But I think he's more than that

Maybe not by blood

But by heart

Because I can see the way he looks at Edward

With so much pride and joy and love

Like a father

To a son

We spend the rest of the afternoon

Talking about Edward's life

Apparently he's from Chicago

But left home for reasons he doesn't want to discuss

His face turns crimson

And he ducks his head

Unwilling to meet anyone's eye

Until Carlisle coaxes him back

To the land of the living

On our way out into the daylight

Edward walks with me to Alice's car

Carlisle makes some excuse about needing to stay inside

But I know better

For I saw him wink at Edward on our way out

We stand by the door to the driver's side

And it feels like the end of a date

With tension so thick

I could slice it with a knife

Edward speaks first

Thank God

"I'm glad you made it back okay. Last night, I mean," he says

"Oh, thanks. Yeah, it was good. That I wasn't attacked or something"

"Right. That was the good thing"

When did it become so difficult

Just to talk to another person?

"Okay, well, I'm going to go. Alice is going to kill me if she sees that her car is
missing"

"Alice is your roommate?" he asks

My hand hesitates on the door handle

He eyes it quickly, then looks back at my face

"Yeah, she is. She's my friend. I like her. Most of the time"

He smiles and looks at the ground

Shuffles his feet

There's another silence

I turn around and make for the door handle

But his voice stops me short

Again

"Um, Bella?" he begins

I turn back around

"I was wondering if maybe, um . . ."

He stops talking

And is staring fixedly at my lips

Reflexively, I lick them

And his face transforms from uncertain

To determined

The kiss is chaste

Compared to what we shared in the stock room

When we were drunk on lust

And hazy with the feelings

Of skin on skin

He doesn't open his mouth

Just lingers

For maybe a second too long

Then pulls back

And looks to the side

"Are you working tomorrow?" he asks

"Yeah," I reply

"Well I'll see you soon, then. For sure this time"

And I swear that when he walks away

He stands up straighter

When I return home

Alice is practically fuming

I have to lock myself in the bathroom

To prevent the physical assault

"I swear to God, Bella. You didn't even call!"

"I didn't think I'd be as long as I was"

I try to defend myself

I fail

After pounding incessantly on the bathroom door

She pulls her stereo up to it

And starts playing Jason Mraz

As loud as it goes

"You're going to get us a noise complaint!" I shriek

But it's drowned out

By a remedy

An experience

And a dangerous liaison

Which, I guess, are all the same thing

Whatever

I get into the shower just to drown out the noise

It doesn't work

By the time I get out of the shower

Alice has gone

Along with the car

I do a little happy dance and spend the night on the couch

Watching John Cusack

Hold a boom box over his head

The next day is one of those days

Where I have class and work

And want to kill myself

Repeatedly

With a butcher knife

I wake up to the sound of my alarm

Which is exceptionally loud

Due to the fact that it fell against my ear

While I slept

Brosper is sitting in the kitchen again

His eyes glazed over

With sleep

The coffee still brewing in the pot

"Hey Bella," he mumbles

And refocuses on the newspaper

Sitting on the counter

For the first time

In a long time

I worry about what to wear to work

And what Edward will think about my make up

And my clothes

And my hair

I spend an excess amount of time straightening it

And don't have time to eat breakfast

I take the bus today

In a stupid apology

For hijacking Alice's car

As a result

I sit next to a man with so much body odor

That, once I get to work, I spray myself with Windex

Just to get the stench out of my sweater

The day passes slowly

Until noon

When Angela comes in unexpectedly

Carrying a large stack of invoices

And a half-eaten bagel

"Hey, Bella. Would you mind doing a bit of training this afternoon?" she asks

Yes, I do mind

I don't want to spend my afternoon dumping shitty drinks

And be busy when Edward comes

"No, I don't mind"

"Good. She's coming in, in about half an hour. She already knows how to open,
now she just needs to practice with the drinks"

"Great"

I smile

Then stab her in the back of the head with my eyes

When she turns away

True to her word

A girl comes in the back

About thirty minutes later

Out of the corner of my eye

I watch her put her hair up

And slide on the required apron

Before coming to see me

And it occurs to me

Quickly

Instantly

Like a slap in the face

That I know her

And I keep seeing her

And now I won't ever stop seeing her

Because she's my co-worker

"Hello again," she smiles

And it's sickly sweet

Like when you're a little kid

And candy gets stuck in your braces

"Oh, you're that girl. I just want to say sorry I came in all panicked that one day
when I was looking for someone. He just disappears sometimes, and I thought
you might've seen him"

Because she's the girl that was looking for Edward

And she's the girl that felt the same way that I felt when he was missing

"It's no problem," I manage to choke out

"What's your name?" she asks

"Oh, I'm Bella. What's yours?"

"I'm Rose."

~*~

grande americano with an extra shot

four shots espresso

water

room (optional)

I want to hate her

You don't understand

I really want to hate her

But I can't

Because the sad thing is

That as much as I want to make Rose out to be this evil person

With some kind of ulterior motive

She seems nice

And pleasant

And she has a killer taste in music

After our shift

We stand out by the employee parking lot

She takes out a cigarette

And cups it with her palm

As she flicks the lighter

The tip

Glows

Like a star in the night

I try not to be disappointed

That Edward never came

I try not to be worried

That Edward never came

I try to forget

That Edward never came

I fail

Rose's car sits next to us

One of those uber liberal

Prius type things

With bumper stickers like

Coexist

Frodo lost, Bush has the ring

Republicans for Voldemort

And

Not all who wander are lost

"I used to dance with Edward," she says

Then takes a long drag

"Well, I still do. But I can't keep up with him anymore. No one can, really" she
continues

Her hair is long

And flaxen blonde

I bet that if I were to straighten it out

It would reach her hips

"Is he really talented?" I ask

Trying to keep the dying curiosity

From completely permeating my voice

But

I fear

It is long past preventing

"That, and he practices all the time. He's on scholarship"

She stops talking

Like she's feared she's said too much

"I know. About his situation, I mean"

Rose's shoulders slump

"Oh. Well, he spends most of his time in the studio. Sometimes he sleeps there, I
think. When he can get away with it"

The thought of him sleeping alone

In a room full of mirrors

Makes me frown

"Has he ever taken other jobs? I mean, for money"

"I've seen him take two or three, I think. He always quits within the week,
though. Probably for the best . . . he's already ragged enough when he shows up
for rehearsals"

We stand in silence

For a few long moments

It isn't uncomfortable

It's contemplating

Rose throws down the rest of her cigarette

And kneads it into the cement with her shoe

"Need a ride?" she offers

And that is how I end up

Well on my way

To becoming best friends with

Rosalie Hale

Alice sees me smiling and is immediately suspicious

"What's up with you?" she asks

Sitting at the table

With a feast of Thai food in front of her

"Nothing," I reply

Wanting something to share with just myself

My own little secret

I grab some chop sticks

And try to pick up some chicken

Dropping it several times

Until I end up stabbing right through it

Creating a makeshift shish kabob

Like the culturally retarded person that I am

"Jasper's having a party tonight as his frat"

(Just like every other night)

"Do you wanna go?"

"Hell no," I reply quickly

Before she thinks that I've considered it

When I definitely haven't

"I don't know why I even bother asking," she mumbles

"Me neither," I smirk

And pull the rest of my pad Thai

To the television

The next day

I'm tired as hell

I feel like I've had someone pour cement on my limbs

They drag

And drag

Angela catches me making myself a drink

But

For once

Says nothing of it

There's no one else in the café this early, anyway

And I know she'll be leaving soon

To pick up her sick aunt from the airport

Or something

Again

This time, though

Rose takes her place

Shuffling into the back

Looking like the walking dead

Though somehow still incredibly gorgeous

Life isn't fair

About an hour into our shift

An older woman

Probably around 50 or 60

Comes thundering in

Her face red and bulbous

Her graying hair contained under

A bulky, purple hat

"Do you two girls have a phone?" she asks

Some spit flies out of her mouth

And lands on the counter

Discreetly

I move some napkins

And wipe it off

"It's only supposed to be used for emergencies, ma'am," I reply mechanically

Rose is off to the side

Sweeping up some spilt coffee beans next to the espresso machine

I see her look up at the woman's entrance

"This is an emergency. Did you know that there is a transient sleeping outside of
your café?"

And the way she says transient

Like she has to push it off of her tongue

Like venom

Sends a shiver of hatred down my spine

Before she can call the police

Or whomever she was going to call

I step out from behind the counter

And brush past her

"Stop! You could get hurt!" the woman calls

She hustles after me

And it's Edward

Of course

Huddled beneath his jacket

And a blanket

Off to the side of the entrance

His eyes squeezed shut

Warding off the world

"I'll take care of it," I tell her

"But, he could have a knife. A gun. He could be on drugs!"

And so could anyone else

"He's asleep. Probably not on drugs."

"You're crazy," she whispers harshly

And flees

Like a bat out of hell

An obese bat out of hell

Once she's gone

I kneel down next to him

And shake his shoulder briefly

He wakes with a gasp

Just as he did before

Only he doesn't have the misfortune

Of making himself bleed

"I'm sorry I wasn't there yesterday. I said I was going to be there. Kind of. I was
going to, too. But I lost track of time. I didn't mean it"

All of the words come rushing out

As he pushes himself up into a sitting position

His teeth are chattering

For on this particularly chilly day in October

It's closing in on 35 degrees

"Come inside," I say

And help him stand

His cheeks and hands and eyes

Red

"Do you forgive me?" he asks hesitantly

Picking up his stuff

And throwing it into his athletic bag

"There's nothing to forgive," I smile

When we're inside

Edward rubs his hands together

Warming them up

He glances at the clock

"I overslept. You opened an hour ago"

He fists his hands in his hair

And pulls

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. It's fine"

And I'm so incredibly glad

That he slept through the old woman's display

For I know he would have been

Mortified

I get him some coffee

And notice that Rose is missing from behind the counter

"I'll be right back," I say

He wraps his hands around the cup and nods

I find Rose hiding in the back

"What's wrong?" I ask

"I can't go out there"

"Why?"

"Because Edward's there"

"So?"

"So, the last time I saw him he told me that he loved me and I didn't say it back"

~*~

grande caramel apple cider

fill cup with apple juice

steam to 145

three pumps caramel

stir

"He didn't love me. He just wanted to. He felt like he had to, I think"

I'm stone still

I don't think I've moved

A single finger

"You know Edward. He feels things much stronger than the average person. Like
absolutely everything is a matter of life and death"

"I know"

I say

But I don't know

I don't feel like I know him at all, really

I feel like I've never even tried to know him

"Because I know he likes you," she continues

Like I haven't been dying for her to stop talking

This whole time

"All of the money he gets. From shows, donations, anything. He spends on coffee
and food for him and Carlisle. But why would he spend it on coffee, Bella, every
time you're working?"

"He shouldn't be spending it on coffee"

"I know. He knows, too. But he's stubborn as hell, really. Can't convince him of
anything. Especially not giving up"

I can hear our breathing

Together in the stock room

It's steady and strong

As we stare at each other

"He wanted to love me so badly that he made himself do it"

"I don't understand," I reply

"No one does. But I have a funny feeling that you will"

There's a knock on the door

That causes us both to jump

Our skeletons rattling around

In our skin

I worry for a second that it's Edward

Eavesdropping

But it's not

It's Angela

Coming in with the invoices and pastries for the next day

Her face red to her hairline

"Why is no one outside manning the counter?" she fumes

And we disperse quickly

Like small scolded children

Edward is still waiting outside in the booth

Sipping slowly on the coffee that I handed him earlier

I take care of a few customers

And wait for Angela to leave

Before I go over there

And join him again

"Are you sure you forgive me?" he asks one more time

Pushing the cup between his two hands

Back and forth and back and forth

"I told you that I did"

Angela brought in a new CD for the changing seasons

But John Mayer is still on it

"Daughters"

I think she might have thing for him

Gag me

"Will you come to my show tonight?" he asks

Just right out there in the open

Like he knows I won't say "no"

Because I won't

Obviously

"Where is it at?" I ask

"McCaw Hall"

And I know it

It's one of the venues most famous for

Requiring people to wear suits and ties and things with frills

Just to get in the door

"I can give you free tickets" he says slowly

Finally sensing my hesitation

"No, I'd love to go. I was just wondering, is all"

"Great. That's great"

He grins a megawatt smile

The kind you see small children emit

When they're given ice cream

Or those kids on the commercial

That figure out they're going to Disneyland

(Kids fly free!)

From the corner of my eye

I notice Rose come out from the back room

She tries to be all subtle about it

To be socially acceptable and all that

As she wanders over to our booth

Edward doesn't notice her

Until she is about three feet away

Slowly wiping down a table

In large, sweeping circles

"Rose," he exclaims

She pretends to be surprised

"Edward? Oh, hey!"

And she's overly peppy

Like everyone is

When they're trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation

In the quickest way possible

"Do you work here now?" he asks

Seeming genuinely intrigued

And while Rose looks like she wants to slowly cut out her intestines

Edward looks nothing but engrossed

"I," she begins, but stops "Yeah"

"Are you taking time off?"

Now Edward looks perplexed

His brow furrows like he can't understand

"From dance?"

He nods

"Yeah. For awhile, I think"

Edward is dumbstruck

His eyes are wide like saucers

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened, Edward. Dance isn't my whole life anymore. Not like it used
to be"

There is a long

Drawn out

Pause

"You grew out of it?" Edward asks

And I see it now

Edward is Peter Pan

Innocent

Untainted

Running purely on want

Yet, a shell of a boy

Who fears change

And growing up

Edward leaves a little under an hour later

He has to go to dress rehearsal before the show tonight

He told me that my name would be on the list

At ticket will call

Rose isn't in this show

Apparently, she hasn't been in any for awhile

The parts are extremely competitive

And while she tried for a very long time

She was never quite good enough

For the stage

Edward, on the other hand

Is a male principal

Alice helps me dress

And I can tell that she is jealous

Me doing some hoity-toity thing

Like I've suddenly become hot shit

Like I suddenly matter

She even lets me borrow her dress

It is long and dark

With a scoop neckline

Something with far too much fabric

Than I've ever seen Alice wear

In my entire life

Driving there

I panic

My hands start to sweat

As I clutch the steering wheel

I don't know why I'm panicking

I think it's because I feel so high up

And I desperately don't want to fall

I don't even know what show is playing

And as it turns out

It doesn't matter

For the way his body moves

Is masterful

And a story of its own

The show is brilliant

With girls that look as though they are inflated with air

Weightless

Effortless

Floating

The boys the strong counterparts

Lifting

Twirling

Explosions in jumps and leaps

And I can't believe I'm here

In the middle of it all

It ends much too soon

And I wish that I could rewind time

And see it all again

Waiting for Edward to come out from backstage

I am surrounded by old money

People who have had way too much plastic surgery

And little girls in tutus one size too big for their waists

Gradually

They trickle away

Leaving me alone

I take a seat down on a bench and wait

When Edward comes out

Finally

He is still a bit sweaty

And there is a distinct lipstick mark on his cheek

He doesn't see me at first

And looks

Crestfallen

"Edward!" I call out

And he comes to life

Walking briskly over to me

"Sorry, I had to do meet and gree-" he begins

But I cut him off

"You were fantastic"

"Oh"

He blushes

When I hug him

I feel his hands dip lower than proper

And his lips at my ear

Whispering

"You look beautiful"

He almost pulls away

But I hold him fast

And ask

"Come home with me tonight?"

~*~

tall pumpkin spice latte

one shot espresso

milk to 145

pumpkin spice drizzle over foam (approx 2 pumps)

sprinkle cinnamon (optional)

I still have Alice's car

And his hands are crawling over the gear shift

Into my lap

As I drive

His athletic bag is in the trunk

It weights like five thousand pounds

I tried to lift it

And failed

I pull up to the parking lot

Beneath our apartments

It's frenzied

He pushes my back up against the door to the car

My dress rides

Until I feel it hook just above my knees

My hands slide beneath his shirt

Feel his muscles

He shivers

And I remember that we haven't quite

Made it in the door

Shaky hands

Drop the door keys

With a clatter

Edward retrieves them

His hands sliding up my leg

With the fluidity that comes with

Years and years

Of sensual choreography

He lifts me

And we're through the door

And I'm struggling

Trying to direct him

To my bedroom

But somehow

Somehow

We've made it

And his fingers are down there

And his tongue is down there

And I want

Everything

Down there

My world comes crashing down

In fits and raves and pants and moans and cries

Into the pillow

As he sighs

Beautiful, yet melancholy

Brushing his pale finger

Along my cheek

In a broad, aching

Sweep

I gather myself

(Because, no, I don't fall asleep right after I orgasm

I'm not a pussy)

And roll to face him

My hands unhooking the buttons

Of his shirt

And, how are dancers so beautiful?

How are their bodies sculpted masterpieces

Without a single flaw?

And then my fingers are down there

And my tongue is down there

And I know he wants

Everything

Down there

"Bella," he murmurs

And feeling this naked skin

On naked skin

Is something so pure

And raw

That it makes me realize

Just how lonely I was

Just how lonely I had become

And now these actions

Ugly and primal

Have filled something inside of me

Some void I didn't realize was vacant

Just waiting for him to show up in my life

Someone I can share my words

Or maybe, even, my soul

His arm wraps around my waist

Deep green eyes brightened by moonlight

And I finally drift off

Into the coming dawn

We are awoken seemingly moments later

By a furious pounding on my bedroom door

"Bella, get your ass out of there! You're going to be late"

It's Alice

I groan and throw the pillow over my head

"We have class today, you know"

Why is she still screaming?

My eyes peek open

To see Edward

Still sleeping next to me

Tentatively, I touch his forearm

Just to prove to myself

That it wasn't a dream

He doesn't even stir

Doesn't even move a muscle

Sleeps right through it

I'm about to drift off again

When I hear the distinct sound

Of a lock being picked

By a bobby pin

"Shit," I curse

But before I can do anything more

The door flies open

Alice's mouth is wide

As if she were about to scream

(She probably was)

But her jaw became unhinged first

Her eyes dart back and forth between me and Edward

Who sleeps blissfully through the entire thing

Before she backs out slowly

Shutting the door with a quiet click

I fall back asleep again

Tucked into Edward's side

Warmth emanating from his skin

Like my own personal sun

I'm woken again later

By repeated curses

And Edward hopping around on one leg

Trying to pull his pants around the other

He pauses when he's noticed that I've awoken

Then goes right back to it

"I'm late," he says

"So, so, so late"

"For what?" I ask, still groggy

"Rehearsal," he groans, throwing clothes around as he searches for his shirt

He finds it and pulls it over his head

His hair is a mess

And my lipstick has stained his cheeks

Lips

Neck

And forehead

Oops

"Come here," I request

And though he is reluctant

Torn between rushing out the door

And returning to the bed

He slowly walks over

His head ducked down

Like a dog ready to be punished

When he gets close enough

I lick my fingers and gently smear the lipstick away from his cheeks

"Thanks," he says

Resting his forehead against my own

Like I've seen in movies

But never experienced in real life

The kind of mirrored silhouettes

That appear when two puzzle pieces

Are ready to be connected

"Last night was really good. Really. I'm glad you came," he says, then blushes

"Came to the show?" I ask with a smirk

He nods

Still beet red

Up this close

I can see the pores of his skin

Larger around his nose

The two soft wrinkles

Lodged in outer corner of his eyes

And the one

Light freckle

Just in front of his left ear

He leans forward slightly

Then hesitates

His lips brushing against mine only barely

A ghost of the passion from last night

Just the final

Remnants

"I'll see you soon, okay?"

And I realize that this might be the step

Where I give him my phone number

Before I remember

That he doesn't own a phone

"I'll find you," he says

As if reading my thoughts

And before I can nod

Before I can even blink

He's out the door

From my bedroom window

I watch him jog down the stairs

And out into the street

His athletic bag bouncing on his shoulder

As he goes

Alone in my room again

I worry

As the loneliness creeps back

Like a leech that hungers for my blood

For my body

And I worry that without Edward

Without his presence

I will be reduced to nothing

But a shell of whoever I once was

A scared little girl

Who knows nothing but cold reality

And the emptiness in her heart

~*~

tall white chocolate mocha

two pumps white chocolate

one shot espresso

milk to 145

stir

Rose has this brilliant plan

Except for the fact that it is

Totally not brilliant at all

And she just puts it into action one day

While I'm making someone's drink

Completely distracted

Due to the fact that there are for some reason a ridiculous amount of people in
the café

And John Mayer is stuck on repeat

So unfair

She tells me to come to her place after work

Just so we can have a few beers

I don't know

And sit around on the couch

And watch Sex in the City

Or maybe football

Depending on whether her roommate is home or not

And that sounds totally bomb

Right?

Wrong

Because she lied to me

About

The entire thing

Well, except for the beers

At least I got the beers

She drives me to her apartment after work

And it's really nice

I mean, it looks like she has a trust fund or something

But then I meet her roommate

He's a computer engineer

But he doesn't look like a computer engineer

He's big and bulky

The exact opposite of her, really

With hair spiked up

Like he slathered it with gel

And then hung around upside down for awhile

Until it froze solid

But he had kind eyes

Dimples

And a smile that shares his happiness

"You must be Bella," he says

And squeezes me tighter

Than a constrictor snake

"I'm Emmett, Rose's roommate," he continues

But when I see the way that he looks at her

I can tell immediately

That he wants to be much more than roommates

But Rose

She doesn't see it

In the way that girls are always blind

To the person that's staring them right in the face

Begging for them to notice

She wraps her arms around Emmett's waist

She can barely reach all the way around, mind you

And remarks about how they are childhood friends

Who just never split up

Apparently

They've been living together for over three years

And Rose has been through at least

Three different boyfriends

During that time

None of which were Emmett

We're sitting on their couch

Watching some taped football game

When a knock sounds at the door

At first, I don't think anything of it

Until I see the way that Rose jumps out of her seat

And Emmett throws her a sly little grin

As she shuffles over to the door

"Oh, Edward, you shouldn't have"

I hear her say

I immediately stiffen

And notice that I'm wearing clothes suited for watching football and drinking beer

Not seeing Edward

The day after

Giving him oral

Crappity McCrap sticks

I'm beginning to flee

But Emmett puts a hand on my forearm

Holding me down

And Edward comes walking in

In a suit no less

(Sure, it's not a brand name)

(Sure, it's a little frayed)

(Sure, it looks like it's been to hell and back)

But it's surrounding Edward

And he's clutching a bouquet of flowers

Being all disgustingly beautiful

And I look like I popped out of a JC Penney commercial

For Mom jeans

My life is awesome

"Bella," he says when he sees me

Thrusting the flowers in front of him

"These are for you"

"Calm yourself, Fabio," Rose says

Placing a hand on his shoulder

"Oh. Thanks," I say

I take them

And hold them awkwardly

Because I don't really know what else to do in this situation

Edward and I both shuffle our feet

And try to avoid eye contact

"Well, ready to go?" Emmett asks with a grin

And before anyone can make another move

I grab Rosalie's elbow and pull her into the nearest room

Which just happens to be the closet

It smells like moth balls

"What the hell? I demand answers," I snap

To which she just grins

All coy and condescending

"I wanted to surprise you! Isn't it great?" she asks

"No! I look gross. Did I even brush my hair? I don't remember"

"Uh, it looks like you did," she offers

I frantically run through it with my fingers

"Fantastic"

"I know I am," Rose smiles

And opens up the closet

Pushing me out in front of two

Very confused looking boys

"Do you think they just hooked up in there?" Emmett asks

Nudging Edward with his elbow

Edward just blushes

As he tries not to fall over

Because Emmett is the exact opposite of Edward

Edward is long and lanky

Muscular, but lean

While Emmett is all beef

Like the Hulk

So similar that

I don't really want to see him angry

(But I wouldn't really mind seeing him shirtless)

Is it wrong to think about other guys

When I'm with Edward?

Is it wrong to look at other people

When I'm with Edward?

Am I doing anything right

When I'm with Edward?

We're at some pasta restaurant

You know, the kind that serves wine at the table

And has a waiter that thinks he's much too important

To properly serve anyone under the age of thirty

Edward is seated next to me

He keeps rearranging his silverware

And refolding his napkin

And readjusting his collar

And reworking his hair

I rest my hand on his

Just to calm him down

And he gives a small

Grateful

Smile

"What's wrong?" I whisper

As Rose and Emmett bicker about

Whatever it is

People who don't yet know they're in love

Bicker about

"I don't feel like I fit in here," he admits

"You'd fit in anywhere," I reassure him

And it's true

His beauty is the classic kind

With chameleon-like features

That could look proper in any setting

It only then occurs to me

How will he pay?

"Do you need money?" I ask

Edward flushes

And looks almost

Dare I say it

Offended

"No, I've saved. And I'm paying for you, too"

I almost laugh

"You are definitely not paying for me"

"Yes I am. Don't fight me"

And I don't fight him

Because I can see that he wants to

And telling him not to

Would just do more harm than good

And when the bill comes

I cringe

Before passing it to Edward

Who puts on brave face

And pays it all in cash

We sit there talking

The four of us

For an hour or so longer

And hidden from plain view

Are Edward's fingers

Roaming gently

Up and down my thigh

~*~

two shots in a cup

(self-explanatory)

I'm watching The Sound of Music

Because, honestly, because there's nothing better to do

And it's on ABC Family

Right after that show about the teenage pregnant girl

It feels like I've been sitting here for twelve hours

Eating a hot pocket

And my life

Away

It's just gotten to the part when

Christopher Plummer

Finally takes the stick out of his ass and starts to sing

When Alice comes in with Brosper

Right behind her

"What are you even doing?"

Alice always puts the word "even"

In random places in her questions

And statements

"Watching The Sound of Music and eating a hot pocket," I reply

Though it was pretty damn

Obvious

"Okay, well then you're coming with us tonight," she says

"Can't. Edward's coming over," I reply

Even though I don't exactly know when he's coming over

Given the fact that he doesn't own a cell phone

And his rehearsals often run late

"Why isn't he even here yet, then?" she asks

"I don't know"

"Edward is weird"

"You don't know him"

"Yes I do"

Thankfully, Brosper takes Alice out of the room

Before I can shank her with a dull knife

She comes back only a few minutes later

Throwing some clothing at my face

"Get dressed," she says. "Edward can come too"

"Come where?"

"Out"

Brosper just shrugs

And begins to raid through our fridge

He takes out a jar of pickles

And eats them one by one until all that's left

Is the gross pickles juice at the bottom

Which

Of course

He puts right back into the fridge

I'm counting on Edward to be late

And for Alice to get impatient and leave

But Edward isn't late

And Alice doesn't have the chance to get impatient

He knocks on the door only a couple minutes later

Because God hates me

And all that

Edward comes in

Looking confused

He glances at the tv

"Sound of Music?"

"Convince Bella to go out," Alice pouts

Edward looks between us

And even as I shake my head vehemently

He says in a very less than convincing voice

"Go out?"

"Oh, and you're coming too," Alice says

Brosper saunters over and introduces himself to Edward

Who shrugs the athletic bag off of his shoulder and shakes Brosper's hand

"Are you at the UW or SSCC? Seattle University? Seattle Pacific?" Brosper asks

"Oh, none of the above"

"Oh, you're at Bellevue Community College? Sorry, Bellevue College now.
Whatever," Brosper continues

"I'm nowhere," Edward answers

And I want to hug him

Brosper looks confused

But walks away anyway

Probably trying to find more food in the fridge

Before Alice forces him out the door

"Change," Alice orders

Pushing me into my bedroom

Leaving Edward alone outside

Having given up

I change quickly

And straighten my hair

And burn my pointer finger

Like I do every fucking time

When I come out

Edward is shuffling his feet by the door

His face beet red

I notice Alice and Brosper hooking up on the couch

Right in front of him

"When do they breathe?" he asks quietly

"I have no idea. I let them deal with it"

Alice glances up to the sound of my voice

She already looks thoroughly fucked

Apparently I'm driving

Alice leads me with occasional directions

She and Jasper sit in the back seat

It's safe to say I don't use the rearview mirror

On this trip

I'm completely out of the Seattle boundaries

By the time Alice tells me to pull off of the highway

The podunk town we drive through

Only has two buildings in it:

A Safeway and a motel

And it is gone before I can blink

Yet

Out in the middle of nowhere

Is a barn

With hundreds of cars parked in front of it

People loiter about

Many of them tripping hardcore

And blasting music from their cars

"Is this right?" I ask Alice

Even though I know it is

Because this is exactly Alice's scene

See, Alice was raised in this really small town in northern Washington

Up near Canada, I think

With parents so strict they pretty much didn't allow her to see the light of day

She didn't even touch alcohol until she went off to college

Nor did she touch the skin of a boy

So, naturally

Here she is

Doing every sort of substance imaginable

And fucking Brosper three times a day

Now, I'm not saying that all sheltered people are like this

But

Let's be real

It happens

I, on the other hand, raised myself

And I want to get myself the fuck out of here

I see Edward look out the window

And his Adam's apple bob when he swallows

"I don't know about this, Bella," he says

"No, me neither. I want to go, but I don't know how Alice and Brosper will get
home"

Was that a lie?

Do I want to be here?

Do I want to let go

Just this once?

In fact, Alice and Brosper have already left the car

And are halfway to the vibrating barn doors

By the time I've turned off the ignition

"Do you want to stay out here?" I ask

"Do you?" he asks

And even though I think

Normally

We would both rather sit at home

Watching The Sound of Music and eating hot pockets

We get out

And wander toward the beat

It is hypnotic

Dizzying

Exhilarating

The air is thick with sweat

And weed

Edward's eyes are dilated

And darting back and forth

He opens his mouth as if to speak

Then closes it up again

And we both

A lot

And I would be lying

If I told you

That I didn't feel

On top of the world

Edward's skin is electrifying

I feel it all around me

I feel like I'm on fire

He is out of focus

I am out of focus

The world is out of focus

My brain is lazy

Paranoid

Thrumming

My heart skips beats

Jumps forward and backward

And even though I know that it will

I never want it to stop

Edward's tongue is somewhere

(I don't know where

Because I feel it everywhere)

When Alice shows up

Telling me something about how

Brosper is too drunk to function

And we have no driver

And we're walking to the motel

But it's all in a blur

Of faces and voices

And until I wake up

Hours later

Face down on a dirty motel bed

I don't comprehend anything

"Bella"

I hear

Over and over and over

Like an alarm

Or a mantra

Or a prayer

"Bella, Bella, Bella"

I roll over

My head pounding

Like a woodpecker

Is lodged in my ear

"Bella, Bella, Bella"

Finally, I register it to be Edward

But he's asleep

His eyelids flickering

His mouth parted

His hand stuck beneath his cheek

"Bella, Bella, Bella"

I crawl over

To where he lay

Fully clothed

On top of the covers

"What is it?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella"

"Edward, what is it?"

"You have to stop me"

I shake his shoulder

But he won't wake

~*~

venti white hot chocolate

four pumps white chocolate

milk to 145

stir

whip (optional)

Alice wakes me up

By telling me that the car is idling outside

Waiting for me and Edward

Sometimes

I forget that Alice actually is nice

When she tries, anyway

I rub my eyes with my fists

The room is very bright

The sun is high in the sky

Edward is still asleep next to me

In the exact same position I saw earlier in the morning

When he spoke through his dreams

"Edward," I say

He mumbles something and rolls on to his other side

"Edward," I say again

And stick my hand

Cold from being outside of the blankets

Underneath his shirt

He gasps and convulses

Thoroughly awake

"What the hell?" he groans

"We gotta go, come on," I reply

Tugging him from the bed

He stumbles along after me

Eying our surroundings warily

And it occurs to me

That he probably doesn't remember how we got here

"What did I do last night?" he asks

I hesitate

"What do you remember?"

Edward rubs his forehead

"I lost control, didn't I?" he begins

And then goes off on a tangent

His words too muddled and quick for me to understand

Vaguely, I hear a string of profanities

Carlisle's name

And more profanities

We get into the car

And Edward slides over to the other side

Blocking me out

"Hey, it's okay," I say, resting a hand on his shoulder

He shrugs me off

"It's most definitely not okay, Bella," he mumbles

I see Alice and Jasper exchange glances in the front seats

"It was just some fun," I say quietly, lightly

"I can't have that type of fun. Just not now, okay?"

And I've never had Edward be so short with me

It occurs to me

That I've gotten used to how generous he is

How kind and thoughtful

How he never gets mad at what I say or do

How he looks at me

How he sees me

And now I feel tainted

Like his image of me is tainted

Like I'm a painting

Formerly pristine

But now smudged with

Age

And

Knowledge

Alice drops us off at the apartment

I think that she sees we need some time

For she immediately goes to Brosper's frat

(Okay, maybe she just wanted to go to Brosper's frat)

Edward walks in front of me

And waits while I take out the keys to do the door

Avoiding eye contact

Though this time not in embarrassment

Or uneasiness

But in something else

Disappointment?

In me?

In himself?

"Stay awhile?" I ask

Trying to keep the desperation out of my voice

Because what will I be if he leaves now?

What will I be if he never comes back?

What was I before he came into my life?

"I've gotta go talk to Carlisle," he mumbles

Throwing his stuff into his bag

He zips it up and stands

Pausing for a moment

Before he exhales in one large breath

Finally, he looks at me

And it's like I exist again

I don't know what he sees in my face

But he comes right over

And even though I'm not crying

He rubs the delicate skin beneath my eyes

Trailing his thumbs down my cheeks and over my lips

"It isn't you. It's me"

And isn't that fucking classic

That line

"Are you breaking up with me?"

He looks appalled

"No, of course not. What the—Bella, I could never break up with you. I don't even
know what I'd do"

And he sounds so sincere

That maybe I do start to cry

Just a little

"You can't stay?" I try again

"No, I really have to see Carlisle. I can't fuck things up anymore. I have to be
better. He helps me be better"

And after he leaves

I wonder why I can't help him be better

Why I can't bring him up

Instead of only bringing him down

I work the closing shift

And it's slow

As closing shifts usually are

Just the occasional customer

Looking for their late-night buzz

From my position at the register

I can see it begin to rain

And I find myself wondering where Edward is right now

Does he have somewhere to stay?

Is he at a rehearsal?

Is he out of this weather?

I force myself to think of other things

Just to get through the rest of my shift

That night

I drink some shitty vodka

And fall asleep before nine

I don't see Edward at all the next few days

Each day is longer than the last

Like the sun hesitates

Just one more minute

Before crossing the horizon

It's completely random

That I happen to run into Carlisle

At a 7-eleven downtown

After one of my morning shifts

"Carlisle?" I'm hesitant

Because I'm not sure if I know him well enough

To just randomly approach him

"Bella!" he grins

And pays for one of those dollar candy bars

"How have you been?" I ask

For I figure it'd be rude

To outright ask about Edward

"Oh, I'm fine. Edward's fine too. Just in case you were wondering"

There's a small spark in Carlisle's eye when he speaks

The one that gives away a cunning intuition

"Where is he?" I finally ask

"He's been trying to focus on dance for these last few days. Putting in some extra
hours. Edward . . . he gets off track easily. He needs some time to get back on
the rails"

"I understand," I say

Even though I don't

Selfishly, I just want Edward back at my apartment right now

And to never let him leave again

"He'll come around soon, Bella. I think you're a new track"

And without even saying goodbye

He leaves

Eating half of his candy bar

In one bite

I wake up the next morning

With feverish skin and a pounding headache

Half-asleep

I call in sick to work

And burrow beneath my covers

Until a thunderous knock sounds at the door

I throw my pillow over my head

Hoping whoever it is will just leave

But they're incessant

And I drag myself out of bed

Just long enough to open the door

Edward stands before me

Looking distressed beyond belief

He begins babbling about something

And I let him

Shuffling back to my room

Where I get back in bed and close my eyes

Edward finally stops talking

And sits down on the edge of the mattress

Twisting his hands together

"You weren't at work and I was worried," he says softly

"Don't be worried," I say

My voice raspy

He smiles a bit to himself

His brow furrowed

"How can I not be?" he asks. "I have everything to lose"

~*~

iced grande soy vanilla chai

ice till the cup is half full

half milk, half chai

two pumps vanilla

I get better

Edward grows more and more distant

Carlisle wasn't exaggerating

When he said that Edward needed to focus more on dance

To get himself back on track

I hardly see him for two weeks straight

They are preparing for a show

One that apparently means a lot to him

Due to a talent scout being in the area

Looking to hire new dancers professionally

There is still another week until its opening night

But he's been practicing incessantly

And it isn't until he knocks on my door

Near midnight

That I realize he is doing too much

"Bella, can I come in?" he asks

As if I would say no

"Of course," I say

And open the door wider

"Where's Carlisle?" I ask

"Shelter," he answers

Dropping his athletic bag on the kitchen floor

"I got there too late to get in. They ran out of beds," he continues

"You don't have to go there. You can just stay here"

He gives me the look

That he's given me a thousand times before

I don't know what it is, exactly

Something about hurting his ego

He won't live here unless he pays

He begins to drag his bag to the closet

That is when I notice he is limping slightly

Though he tries to hide it

"What happened?" I ask

And he attempts to play it off as confusion

"What do you mean?"

"To your leg or something. You're limping"

"Oh, that's just a strain" he says

But winces before he can cover it

"Go sit down," I order

And he actually listens to me

I join him on the couch a few minutes later

With some of my leftovers reheated

"Where's Alice?" Edward asks

"At Brosper's frat," I answer. "Where's the strain?"

"I just pulled a muscle," he says quickly, looking hungrily at the food

I hand it to him and he hesitates only barely before digging in

Had this been a few weeks ago

I would have had to convince him just to touch the plate

"You're a good cook," he says

Like he says every time he eats something that I've made

Somehow, it's still genuine

And I wonder why I can't appreciate things

Like Edward appreciates things

Maybe it's because I haven't lived enough yet

He finishes quickly and stretches out on the couch

Giving me a lazy smile

And slowly closing his eyes

"Are you tired?" I ask

His eyes pop back open

As if he hadn't realized he'd closed them

"No," he lies

I untie his shoes

He watches

Eyes half-lidded

As I pull them off

Then his socks go, too

Worn as they are

With holes in both of the soles

His toes are red

The outlines of the toenails bloody in some spots

Though it is dried on

I frown and he curls them

Embarrassed

"You're hurting yourself," I say

Fingers trailing up his ankle to his calf

I push his jeans farther up

Feeling the light hair on his legs

Watching as his breath begins to quicken

Invigorated

I crawl up over his legs

And let my hands roam beneath his shirt

Where his muscles

Hard and taught beneath his skin

Respond to my touch

His fingers graze over my cheeks

Down my neck

Along my collarbone

Down my arms

Along my stomach

Down my legs

Along the back of my knees

And up

And down

And up

Until my shirt comes off

And his shirt comes off

And his hands are kneading my breasts

And my hands are wrapped around his neck

And our jeans meet

And he moans

And I moan

My tongue runs down his neck

His chest

I watch his eyes roll back

His hands move to his zipper

Unzip

I pull off my shorts

Clumsily

But it doesn't matter because nothing matters except for Edward

We don't plan to have sex on the couch

I guess

It just sort of happens like that

We are both there

We both don't make it to the bedroom

It wasn't really planned at all, actually

But his fingers in my hair

And on my skin—

I can't control it

Can't control anything

And neither can he

For when he screams my name

Into the empty air

He says that he loves me

Over and over and over

Until he falls asleep

And now I lay here

Waiting for him to wake

My ass freezing

As I try to cover it up with the blanket

He ends up waking with a start in the middle of the night

I am still up

Contemplating

"Bella?" he gasps

And grapples around

Even though I'm right next to him

Pushed up against his side

On a couch too small for the two of us

"What's wrong?" I ask

And smooth back his hair

As if he were a small child

He looks disoriented when he sees me

Like he didn't expect to still be here

"I haven't told you everything," he says. "About me, I mean"

I pause for a second

"What do you mean?"

"I'm worried, though," he continues, like I hadn't asked the question

"I'm worried that you'll never want to see me again"

"That's not possible, Edward"

His brow furrows

"Just one more night," he says

Pulling me against him tighter

"And I'll tell you in the morning"

"Okay, Edward"

And I think he's fallen asleep

By the sound of his deep breathing

But then he speaks again

"I meant what I said, you know. I do love you"

And before I say the

"I love you, too, Edward"

My mind flashes to Rose

About how she said that he made himself love her

And I find myself wondering if this is fake, too

Even though it feels so real

But know in my heart

I wouldn't be able to tell the difference if I tried

~*~

grande iced caramel macchiato

it's the same thing as a latte

but with caramel

you don't even get espresso-flavored foam

and you're paying a shit ton more for it

stupid

I wake up the next morning

Wrapped up in blankets

Tucked beneath my chin

I am still naked

And I feel sticky

And raw

Edward isn't next to me

Instead, he sits on the chair next to the window

Smoking a cigarette

Something I didn't know he did

"You smoke?" I ask groggily

"I quit two years ago," he says

Then takes another long drag

And blows it out through his nose

He's not wearing his shirt

And his body is curved

Like a broken parenthesis

He won't meet my eye

I stand

Wrapping the blanket around my body

As I walk over to him

My chest meeting his back

Cold from the morning air

"What's wrong?" I ask

Because I can feel the wrongness in his bones

"Do you remember what I said last night?" he asks

Smoking the last of his cigarette

And throwing the butt out the open window

The air is cold

Freezing, really

But I don't move to shut it

Because we're as frozen as the air

"I mean, yeah. You said you loved me," I say

Trying to sound nonchalant

In the most inappropriate way possible

I expect him to accost me

To ask me why I didn't say it back

But instead he just sighs and rubs his forehead

"Not that, Bella. The other thing"

And my mind searches back

To the middle of the night

When all other things were hazy

And I could only think about myself

"No," I admit

Because the only things going through my mind were

Rose, Edward, love, Rose, Edward, love

On repeat

"I have to tell you some things about myself I've never mentioned," he says

And I watch as his hands

Shaking

Search through his bag

Until he pulls out his pack of cigarettes

And hastily lights another one

"Whatever it is, Edward, it'll be fine," I reply

But he disregards this

Shaking his head quickly as he pulls in a deep drag

"It's been said," he begins, but stops

"It's been said," he starts again, "That I have an addictive personality and that
I've inherited it from my family"

I just nod

Because I can tell that this isn't his confession

No, this is just the very beginning

Just the background information

And something swells in my stomach

A wretched combination of fear and confusion

Because this is what Rose was talking about

He falls hard and fast

He gets addicted

He believes he needs something

When he doesn't

Not really

Rose, Edward, love, addiction, Rose, Edward, love, addiction

"It started when I was really little. Like stupid stuff, I mean. I wouldn't stop
sucking my thumb . . . stuff like that"

He takes another quick drag

And when he talks

He exhales smoke

"And then I got older. I would only have to try things once. Like, when I was in
middle school, one of my friends in Chicago asked if I wanted to try his dad's
whiskey. It was horrible. We could hardly swallow it. But I had to finish my
portion. I had to"

He rubs his forehead again

Something he does when he's nervous

Always

"And then there were drugs. And Bella, it all went so fast. It was out of control. I
was out of control"

His eyes dart to my face

Appraising, briefly

Before looking back out the window

I wonder if that was the grand finale

But somehow

I doubt that it is

Sure enough

He continues

"I stole from my family and friends. For a long, long time. In Chicago, I was in
dance. It was the only thing that kept me . . . sane. My parents said that if I
didn't quit they'd stop paying for dance. I didn't quit. They stopped paying. I left
the house"

He doesn't tell me how he got to Seattle

I think he doesn't want me to know what it took for him to get here

Or why he came

"I found Carlisle on the street. I'd been beaten up pretty badly. He took care of
me. He takes care of all of the younger ones, if we let him. He's a good guy,
Carlisle"

Carlisle lost his family

Now all he wants is a new one

Is that so wrong?

"There was an open audition at PNB. I wasn't going to go. I just wanted to get
high. But Carlisle made me. He helped me through the withdrawal"

Edward shudders

His entire body cringes

"And I went and got in. I don't even remember the audition"

He trails off, smiling a small smile

There is a long pause

"I'm glad you're better now, Edward," I say

Because what else do I say?

I'm sorry for your past?

I'm sorry for your life?

"But I'm not, Bella. I'm completely reliant on dance," he says vehemently

Like he's disgusted

His body curling over with the force of the words

"Without it, I'm gone. Dance always has to be number one for me. Always"

He says this all like a disclaimer

"That's a good thing. To have something you're so passionate about. That you
have dance at all is a good thing"

He sighs

"It has to be my number one," he repeats

Then touches my cheek

His expression heartbreaking

Like he's trapped

Even though he's not

He's anything but

I know trapped

I'd know trapped anywhere

Or maybe he is trapped

Just in a different way

"You're beautiful," he says

Now that he's really looking at me

I give him a half-hearted smile and wrap my arms around his neck

He is hesitant

And touches me only briefly in return

"What are you waiting for?" I ask

"For you to leave me"

"You'll have to wait a long time for that one," I smirk

He smiles

Brushing my hair back from my face

"Because I love you," I say

Because even if he has an addictive personality

Maybe that means he's addicted to me

If just for a short time

At least I'll have him

But little do I know

Come only two weeks

I will be taking every one of my words

Back

~*~

decaf drip

two bags

that no one will ever drink

I'm not an angel

I repeat:

I AM NOT AN ANGEL

I'm not anyone's angel

That is not a word anyone should be used to describe me

Because

Let's be real

It's obnoxious

It makes a joke out of perfection

And it's obnoxious

Did I mention it's obnoxious?

I'm selfish

I'm hormonal

I'm human

I make mistakes and do stupid things

I trust people that I shouldn't trust

I don't trust people that I should

I fall when people aren't looking

I fall when people are looking

And maybe

Just maybe

That makes me far more beautiful than an angel could ever be

I spend extra time getting ready today

I don't know why, but I want to look especially presentable

I even pull back my hair with a clip

A device that is, frankly, quite foreign to me

Alice drops me off on Mercer

And tells me she's going to pick up Brosper for dinner

I stand outside The Phelps Center

Waiting for Edward's rehearsal to end

Digging my shoe into a crack in the sidewalk

It's cold

And while it feels like a dead December

The leaves are only just rustling on the trees

As we fall deeper into November

Rose agrees to cover my shift tonight

Thank God

Because I can't handle one more person

Who decides to switch to decaf after they receive their order

Rehearsal is running overtime

Again

I see a few dancers trickle out here and there

Smiling

With their hair still up in that perfect bun

And large winter gear cloaking their tiny frames

I wonder how much longer he'll be

I remind myself that this is important to him

That this

That dancing

Is the most important thing in his life

When all I want

Is the most important thing in his life

To be me

He comes out a few minutes later

Alone, like he almost always is

Even though there is a small group trailing him

Throwing glances at the back of his head

"Hi," he smiles

And kisses my forehead

A hand braced on my shoulder

His hair is matted to the side slightly from sweat

And his jacket is only half on

"We ran late," he says, apologizing

Like he does every time

When they run late

Every time

"It's just getting so close to the show," he continues

Scratching the back of his neck as we walk back to my apartment

I let him talk

Let him wear himself out

When we get back

Alice and Jasper are just finishing up their dinner

And are heading out

She kisses me on the cheek

Tells me that the apartment is free for the night

And that she won't be back till morning

Edward pretends he doesn't hear

Edward tries to hide the small smile that creeps up on his face

"Listen," he says, his head on resting on my shoulder as I make us some quick
pasta

"I know I haven't had a lot of time, but I still love you"

His lips touch my neck

I swivel around

Taste his tongue

"You're focused. I understand," I say

Though I don't

Not really

I've never been that focused on anything

He gives me that look

The one that says he can see right into me

Right through my thoughts and feelings

Straight into my soul

It makes it hum

"Pasta later?" I offer

He nods

And we dissolve

Right there on the kitchen floor

Into a million little pieces

I notice that Edward has been filling out

He's not just muscle and bone now

His skin is healthy

No longer sallow

His face

Still beautiful

Glows in the dim light

His head rests on his arm

His lips parted slightly in deep sleep

Eyelids flickering

I don't want to wake him

Even though we still lay where we left off

On the floor of the living room

Beneath the blanket

That's normally draped along the back of the couch

I trace my finger over his nose

Lips

Eyelids

Ears

Cheeks

All bone structure encapsulated by skin

He mumbles and blindly reaches out his arm

Capturing my waist and reeling me in

Right up against his hips

I fall asleep again fast

And dream of warmth

I wake up to yelling

"Put some clothes on?" Alice screeches

Brushing my butt with her boot

Edward startles awake and clutches his junk

Blushing furiously

As he attempts to scramble out of her

Path of imminent destruction

Brosper chuckles in the corner

Wearing two popped collars

Gross

"God, you got our floor all spunky! I watch TV in here," Alice growls, throwing me
a blanket

Edward scurries into my bedroom

Bare butt and all

By the time I make it in there

He already has most of his clothes on

Except for his shirt

Which seems to be missing

As he is looking furiously through his bag

Throwing shit everywhere

"Calm down," I say

Like I always say

When gets too worked up

I throw on the closest clothes I can find

And sit on the bed while he packs up his things

"I have to go to rehearsal," he says

And this is how we work

And this is how we have worked

For the past week and a half

We spend nights together

We spend wonderful

Beautiful

Nights together

And I feel closer to him

Than I have to any other person in my entire life

In these nights

It's like magnets

The pull and the draw

The tug

The spark

Even though that's cheesy as fuck

I'll admit it

Because it's true

But then he pulls away

The boat from the shore

And he'll return soon

But sometimes I feel like he'll get lost out there

Too far away from me

And maybe he'll just start to forget

Who's waiting for him to return

"I'll see you soon, okay?" I ask

Distractedly, he nods

"Do you want me to wait for you at the end?" I ask

Distractedly, he nods

"Do you want me to save some dinner?" I ask

Distractedly, he nods

Kissing my cheek

And then he's out the door

And as I watch him walk down the street

From my bedroom window

He doesn't look back

~*~

grande london fog

fill cup halfway with hot water

two tea bags

two pumps vanilla

steam milk to 145

stir

The show is on a Friday

It is opening night

The stars aren't out

They're covered by thick, angry clouds

Preparing to rain

I'm standing outside with the smokers

Watching the people mingle

I'm dressed up

In high heels and sheer tights

Dress and hair and eyes and skin

It will start soon

Slowly, I enter the building

Descending the sloping stairs to the front section

On my seat sits a single red rose

I pluck it off and bring it to my nose

Inhaling deeply

There is no note

My head is angled upward

To the red curtain

Waiting for the pit orchestra

To begin the first act

When it starts

I hold my breath

Kind of like jumping out of an airplane

Waiting for Edward to come on stage

This is an "alternative" style

At least

That's what it says in the program

Hell if I know

The girls are wearing outfits

Not traditional to typical ballet

But their pointe shoes are still on full display

As they gracefully twirl and arch their backs

Reach the tips of their fingers up, up, up

Out

Curl

And down

I thumb through the program

My hands sweaty and nervous

Anxiety for Edward

I don't look to see which acts he's in

He comes in sooner than I expect

All fluid motions

His face contorted in pain

Matching the somber, discordant notes

Of two crying cellos

And then a girl dances on stage

Her eye makeup dark

Her clothing

Made up of torn black fabric

Hangs from her frame

Twisting and turning

In reaction to her movements

He's better than in his last show

The practice has paid off

I can see it in his muscles

And the way he throws himself into his leaps

Into the air like an

Explosion

I can see the audience

Enraptured

Their faces turned to the fantastic display

In the background

Rows and rows of lights roll down

Adding another dimension

To our already overloaded senses

The song moves to a crescendo

Higher and stronger and faster

And I see Edward's concentration now

But mostly

I see his passion

And how much he truly loves what he's doing

And how

At each and every moment

He feels everything

How alive he is

With one last leap

Edward pulls the other female lead inward

Like capturing something filled with wild, restless abandon

And making it his

More acts pass by

Then intermission

Then more

And by the end

The audience is on their feet

A thunderous applause

For a well-deserved production

Edward and the female lead step forward and bow

Followed only by the choreographer

And then the curtain falls

Quick and harsh

And the lights turn on

Quick and harsh

And everyone leaves

Talking and chatting

The magic left onstage

Edward is practically bursting when he finally makes it out

I grin and throw my arms around his shoulders

He kisses me passionately

Right in the middle of a group of people

(Something he never does

Not in public)

And runs his hands down my sides

"You did so well," I say

Because it's true

He is wonderful at what he does

He blushes and ducks his head into my shoulder

"Thank you for coming," he says and kisses me again

Gently this time

Thumbs running over my cheeks

"Wouldn't miss it," I smile

And we head back to my apartment

Alone for the night once more

He leaves early the next morning

He has to rehearse because tonight

There are scouts coming from New York

To watch the show

And maybe pick up some fresh, young talent

For their new productions

I'm working during the show

But Carlisle goes to watch

Edward is nervous as hell

And calls me right before

On a borrowed cell phone

I talk him down from a near panic state

Sitting in the back of the store room

Surrounded by coffee beans

After I close up for the night and go home

I find Edward sitting in the living room

Chatting with Alice and Brosper

Who are going to some frat thing

Again

"We were just leaving," she says

And pulls Brosper out the door

Before he can grab any more food from our fridge

"How did it go?" I ask with bated breath

He grins brilliantly

"They talked to me afterward. Said they just had to clear up some things back in
New York, but they were really interested in me"

"That's great, Edward," I say and hug him

He buries his nose in my neck

"I'd get paid for this, Bella. I'd finally get paid to dance. My life will be perfect.
Everything is going right for me. I'm doing things right"

He looks so proud of himself

Like he's finally found the reason to live

Hey

Maybe he has

We don't make it off the couch

The rest of the night

Two days later

Edward comes back from rehearsal

Looking shell-shocked

It isn't until I manage to get it out of him

That he was offered a position in one of the top ballet companies in New York

That he shows any other emotion

In fact

I think he cries a little bit

But he is holding onto me

Too tightly to tell

Late that night

When the moon is shining right through my window

And Edward trails his fingers along my bare spine

Things take a turn

"You'll come with me, right?" he asks

All nonchalant

His fingers still moving

Up and down and up and down

"To New York?"

He nods

Will I go with him to New York?

Can I go with him to New York?

"My life is here," I say

I feel his fingers falter

"But we can have a good life in New York," he says slowly, uncomprehending

"But, Edward. I can't just pick up and move. I work here. I go to school here. My
family is here"

Edward's fingers pull away

Our faces are inches from each other

"You don't want to go?" he asks, sounding perplexed

"I can't go. My life is here"

I don't know what I'm saying

But it's true

What about Charlie?

Alice?

Rose?

Edward opens his mouth, then closes it

"But I can't go without you," he finally says

Sounding choked for air

Like it has all been vacuumed out of his lungs

And left him stale

"Dance is your life, Edward. You have to go"

"Bella, I'm not going without you. I love you"

His fist reaches his bare chest

And I see it in his eyes

He's not going to go without me

He won't do it without me

But he needs to do this

Dancing is his life

I'm not his life

Dancing is

It's not Edward and Bella

It's Edward and dance

And I can't get between it

"You have to, Edward. I don't love you" I lie

Edward stares at me

His lips parted

Distraught

And while I expect him to get up and leave

He doesn't

~*~

venti latte

three shots of espresso

steam milk to 145

He takes a deep breath and looks away

Apparently unable to meet my eye

I remember that he's naked

His body curled forward, hunched

Like something similar to a boulder

Is resting on his back

And then he speaks

"You don't love me?

I don't understand

I don't think, just act

I've always done that

I tried to focus on dancing

Dancing was supposed to be my rock

Dancing still is my rock

But everything I want

It leads me astray

Drugs

They took me astray

But I got back

Dancing brought me back

And now you

You bring me back

You keep me sane

I want you

I need you

I want dancing

I need dancing

How do I choose?

Who am I without dance?

Who am I without you?"

The words rush out of me

Like they're waiting on the tip of my tongue

"You're Edward. You're not dependent.

You're dance and you're wonder and you're life and you're beautiful."

I watch him think

Brow furrowed

The hazy clouds of a Seattle sunrise

Hover above the horizon

"Does this mean you'll come with me?" he asks tentatively

I grip one of his hands in mine

They're warm, yet rough

And it occurs to me

That it's quite possible

That I'll never feel them again

"You have to do this on your own. I know you can"

He is quiet for a long time

I watch the rays of light slowly rise

My body cold

Like stale loneliness

After awhile, he stands

Gets dressed

Runs a hand through his hair

Smiles a sad smile

With sad eyes

When he leaves

I wonder if he's left for good

And I feel sort of hollow

Like whatever I've been filled with my whole existence

Has just been drained

And now I'm just a shell

Without the rolling, tumbling

Flux of life

Three days pass

Days where I feel like I can't breathe

Days where I feel like I can't think

Days where I feel like I've returned to whom I was before

Before I met him

Before he swallowed up my life

And I let him

Willingly

Rose notices that I've been down

But I can see that she doesn't know how to approach me about it

"Did someone die?" she asks one day

Like that is the most appropriate way to ask someone

Why they are feeling shitty

"No one's died," I answer

And while I want her to leave me alone

More than anything

She doesn't

"Is this because of Edward?" she asks "Did he leave you?"

"He's going to New York" I say

"I heard. What are you going to do? Go with him?"

She's more cautious now

I can see her trying to act like this is no big deal

When I can tell that she's dying of curiosity

"No. I'm staying here"

I try to smile

But it comes out wrong

"Did he ask you to go?"

And I can't understand why she's still talking

"Yes. But I can't go"

"Why not?"

I'm prepared to lie

I'm prepared to tell her that I love my life here

That I need to stay near my family

But I don't lie

And I think it's because I just had to tell someone

Anyone

The truth

"Dancing is the most important thing in his life. I just pull him away from that"

Rose sighs

Like she was expecting this

Like she wants to say "I told you so"

Thankfully, she refrains

When he arrives at my door on day four

Wearing his nice clothes

And a clean-shaven face

I almost don't even recognize him

I notice a cab idling behind him

Waiting on the street corner

And I realize that he's going to do it

He's going to go

And I don't know if I'm extremely happy

Or extremely sad

All I know is that my chest feels heavy

And my feet feel like they're glued to the ground

"Come with me to the airport?" he asks

And I reluctantly agree

Because he has a way

Of ungluing me

And fraying me at the seams

The cab ride is completely silent

Edward stares straight ahead

I want to know what he's thinking

When he wrings his hands together in his lap

And purses his lips on occasion

We stand in front of the security line

Surrounded by people

All of whom seem displaced

Like they should be anywhere

But where they are

"I don't believe you, you know," he says

Finally

And I can feel the air return to my lungs

When I didn't even know it was missing

"About what?" I ask

And my voice, lip, soul is cracking

"You love me," he says

So fervently that it makes me dig my fingernails

Deep into the skin of my palms

But, I don't deny it

"You have to go," I say instead

"I know," he answers, his hand on my cheek

There is a boarding call for his flight

Over the intercom

"I want you to come," he whispers

Running fingers through my hair

"I can't," I reply

"I know," he agrees, but his eyes are downcast

And his lips are pulled together

"I want to be able to do this," he continues. "I want to be able to do this for you.
So that I can be good for you"

"You've always been good," I say

Because to me

He's always going to be perfect

He shakes his head

They call for final boarding

He kisses my forehead

And walks slowly toward security

Airport air is stale and dry

And tastes of broken relationships

I watch him walk away

And just before he turns the corner

He looks back

For the first time

Alice is home when I get back

Though Brosper isn't

We spend the night on the couch watching old movies

And eating microwave food

She doesn't ask what is wrong

I think she already knows

He calls me two days later

I recognize the area code to be New York

And I don't answer

He calls again three days later

And I don't answer

I wonder if he's scared

I wonder if he needs me

But even when he calls on the fourth day

I still don't answer

It's because I'm afraid

To hear his voice

And have him break my carefully crafted

Façade

Of being able to function

A week after his last call I receive a letter in the mail

I open it right away

Without even checking who it is from

The paper is wrinkled

Like it has been crumpled several times

Before being stuffed into the envelope

I smooth it out over the cold kitchen countertop

And read

Bella,

I miss you

This doesn't mean anything without you

Edward

I almost cry

Not because of how brief it is

Or how broken

But because the paper smells like him

And I read it

In the sound of his voice

~*~

grande iced raspberry latte

cold milk to ¾ full

two shots espresso

three pumps raspberry syrup

ice to fill the cup

stir

(congratulations. your drink looks like pepto bismol.)

February 25th, 2:53 AM

"Hi Bella

I know you're not responding to my calls

Or whatever

But it's really early in the morning here

And I was just watching the sunrise

Or whatever

And it's beautiful on this coast

Sort of a dark red, pink, orange

And they're all blending together like a painting

I just wanted to . . .

I mean, I just wanted to tell you

Because I thought of you when I saw it

Or whatever

That sounded stupid

But it's—"

February 25th, 3:05 AM

"I got cut off by the end of your message recording or something

I don't know when it ended but

I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you

And I'm trying to get your attention

Somehow

I love you

Edward"

Doesn't he know he has my attention?

Doesn't he know he has every part of me?

For some reason

The day after I receive Edward's message on my phone

It snows

In the middle of February

There are a good one or two feet

Somewhat of a rarity for Seattle

And it continues to fall through the night

I spend the next morning sitting on my porch

Watching the inches pile up

Slowly and surely

Like little pieces of clouds

Falling from the sky

And building

It melts the next day

Still

For six blissful hours

The weather brings everyone together

Well,

Not everyone

May 27th

Bella,

I haven't been calling as much as I used to

I know you didn't reply and all

But I still wanted to call to make sure you knew I was thinking about you

I want to tell you so many things that are amazing and wonderful

And I want you right next to me when they all happen

But you're far away right now

And now that I've finally got this pen to this paper

It's like I can't think about anything that's happened here

I can only think about the fact that you're not with me

Where you should be

I love you,

Edward

Sometimes I don't want to open the letters

I want to let them wilt away in my fingers

Dissolve

Drop to the floor and seep through the spaces between the wood panels

I wish more than anything for them to disappear

So that I won't have to read a single word

And realize

Once again

How much I miss him

I sit by the window in my bedroom

From inside, I can hear Alice and Jasper talking on the couch

Their voices a soft hum

Just barely audible beneath the sound of

Scattered raindrops

Haphazardly hitting the window

And running tears down the glass

I trail my finger across the condensation

Then use the side of my curled fist to make a small foot

Like I once did on the Elementary school busses

On the long ride home

I wonder what Edward would say

If he were here

I wonder what I would tell him

I wonder if there really is

Anything at all

To tell

April 2nd, 6:04 PM

"Hello

I'm just calling to say hello"

Alice is spending some time with me in late April

We're watching some Lifetime movie

Which is really unfortunate, when you think about it

I think some kid has cancer in it

Or maybe the man with the beard cheated on his wife

Or the sixteen-year-old could be pregnant

I don't really know

Or care

Because Alice interrupts it

About halfway through

By turning off the television

"You know, she says, "I should have told you to go out and move on forever ago.
I should have noticed that you were hurting. I should have helped you find

someone new. But now that I think about it, that would have been a horrible
thing to do. Because you love him, don't you? There won't be anyone else, will
there?"

There won't be anyone else

Will there?

March 1st, 12:01 PM

"Hi Bella

I've apparently hurt something in my ankle and I can't dance for two weeks

I've been sitting around the house watching TV

And trying not to think of you

But then I just end up thinking about you more

I have a picture of you

I don't know if you knew that I had it

Alice gave it to me

It's from when you graduated high school

You look really young but

It's the only picture I could get

And it's still you

I can see it

When I look at your eyes

That you've always been there

And that you'll always be mine

I love you

Edward"

I check my shelf

Sure enough

The picture is gone

And in its place

Air

And a fine,

Choking

Layer of dust

That night

I see my cell phone light up several times

With Edward's number on the screen

Usually, he calls once and leaves a message

I wonder if it's urgent

I wonder if he really needs me

But I still don't answer

Because I don't know what to say

Or how to say it

The next morning

There are three missed calls

But no messages

Somewhere deep inside my cavernous chest

I wonder

If he's given finally, finally

Given up

There are no more words from him

For at least a month

Even though I check the mail every day

Religiously

Disgustingly

There is nothing

I go and see Charlie for the summer

And try to ignore the fact that I don't have everyday access to my mail

My one and only lifeline

Charlie seems to notice that something is off

But being the dad

He tries to stay out of it

I figure he's scared of me

And all of my frightening girl hormones

And all that

I spend the last day of my summer in Forks

In a small bookstores downtown

("Downtown")

Casually, I peruse the young adult section

Only to find:

Book on vampires

Another book on vampires

Book on werewolves

Book on rich, promiscuous teenagers

And yet another book on vampires

I check my phone again

No new messages

I leave without buying anything

Alice greets me warmly when I return to Seattle

We half-heartedly sign up for a few more classes at SSCS

Charlie says I don't have ambition for my future

I say I don't have either

On the very last week of September

I receive a package in the mail

It is worn and a bit ripped at the edges

From traveling across the country

From hand to hand to hand

Anxiously, I rip apart the wrapping

To find a small shoebox inside

It contains a note

And plane ticket

One way

September 22nd

Bella,

I tried to give you space

But I don't think I can give you space

Because now I just want to give you everything

More than ever

Please come see my show in New York

I have everything taken care of

I will pick you up at the airport

I can understand if you don't want to see me

And even if you don't respond to this

I will still wait there for you

Until the last passenger leaves the plane

Yours,

Edward

Cautiously, I hold the plane ticket in one hand

And trace Edward's tilted, frenzied script in the other

I realize

Finally

That I need to see him

In the same way

That I need to breathe

Maybe I just have to trust

And jump

~*~

tall caramel mocha

two pumps caramel

two pumps chocolate

milk to 145

single shot espresso

stir

no foam

The plane ticket is for three days after I receive the letter

I slide my fingers over it, nervous

Because

What will happen to me once I go?

Will I be lost in the city?

Will I be lost in Edward?

Will I be lost in myself?

Some part of me never expected Edward to keep writing

Some part of me expected him to find someone else

To find something else

To keep him preoccupied

That

It wasn't me that he needed

It was the idea of me

Of being dependent on another human being

Of having me always around him when he wanted me there

Of the support

But now I'm not so sure

Now, after these months

It feels different

He's still there

And I'm still here

And we're still hurting

I wake up to my alarm blaring

Two days before the plane is set to take off

It is cloudy and gray

The air so thick that it seems to cover me

Engulf me

Choke me

I take the bus to work

Surrounded by faceless people

With blankly staring eyes

Rose is already there when I arrive

Stepping out of her car as the bus drops me off

She waves

Her hand limp

When she sees me

I give her a half-hearted smile as we open up the cafe

Mechanically

Meticulously

Rose turns on the John Mayer

After all, it's nearly winter

And everyone knows that John Mayer is perfect for shitty weather

A few customers trickle in

Most trying to seek refuge from the cold

I make a few drinks

And sweep a section of floor way more times than it needs to be swept

Rose says she's going to go and restock the beans

But when I pass by the stock room

I hear her quiet giggle

And her scolding voice whisper, "Emmett"

Out front

I am surprised to find Carlisle

He sits in a booth in the corner

The one I've sat in before

With Edward

With Alice

He catches my eye and smiles

The kind of smile you don't expect to see

In a body so worn and drawn

He beckons me over with a small wave

I sit down across from him

The cold plastic hard and unforgiving beneath me

"Carlisle, I haven't seen you in forever," I say

And I smile

Because something about him makes me smile

It's not one of those things I can pinpoint

It's just an aura, really

A feeling

A presence

"And that, my dear, is exactly why I stopped by," he says

I offer him something to drink

He denies the offer

Instead, he leans forward almost conspiratorily

"I was wondering," he begins, "Do you happen to know if Edward is still in New
York? Is he doing well?"

I see the worry in his face now

And I wonder how many people have caused that worry

How many people he's lost

And never found

"He's still there and I think he's doing well"

I try to stay positive

Even though just thinking about him

Causes every bone in my body

To ache

"That's fantastic," Carlisle sighs

He visibly relaxes

Leaning back into the booth with his hands resting on his lap

"Are you taking care of any more boys?" I ask

Carlisle smiles

"Just a few here and there. Though Edward had to have been my best and
brightest. Definitely my most talented. But you knew that about him, didn't you?"

I nod emphatically

Though I don't want this to be about Edward

Not right now, at least

I don't think I can bear it

So, instead

I ask the first thing that comes to mind

"Carlisle? Where are you from?"

Carlisle looks surprised at first

His eyes dart back and forth

Like he's searching for an escape

He pulls his cap down over his ears

So that only the small tufts of dirty blond hair peek out

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I say in a rush

Because I'm clearly making him uncomfortable

And I desperately don't want him to leave

I think

In the back of my mind

It's because he's one of my only connections

To Edward

"No, no. It's fine. I was just surprised, is all," he stammers

Then scratches his nose with a gloved fist

"I was actually born in Maine. I don't really remember much about it, though,
except that it was very cold"

Carlisle talks only briefly about his childhood

How his family was very warm and loving

How he went to school in a small town of hard workers

"I always wanted to leave that town. You know how small towns are. Stifling if
you don't want to be there. My big plan was to get out. Everyone knew it. And
then I did"

Carlisle looks off into the distance

His eyes glass over

Two small, shimmering pools

Misty with age

"I moved to Rhode Island. Providence, actually"

He takes a deep breath

"And I met her. Esme. She was beautiful. She took my heart and carried it away.
After that, I'd never have it back"

Carlisle's fingers tap an anxious rhythm on the table

I see a line start to grow behind the counter

But I ignore it

Eventually, Rose will stop having phone sex

And she'll take care of it

Carlisle drifts off for a few moments

Eyes roaming endlessly

Swallowed by his memories

"And then what happened?" I prompt

He seems surprised

Pulled ruthlessly back to reality

"I married her. We had two children: a boy and a girl. Two years apart"

Carlisle smiles

Small and beautiful

And the love I have seen for Edward

Is there again

Only this time, for his true family

The one not present now

"We started a life in Rhode Island. It was perfect. I thought it was perfect. But
then, one day, she said she wanted to leave. She wanted to start a new life-our
whole family-in the West"

He rubs his temple

Clearly, he doesn't talk about this often

His words are awkward and painfully spoken

Like they are being forced through stitched lips

"And I couldn't go with her. My job was in Rhode Island. It paid good money. I
thought it was more important to support my family than to love them. Can you
believe it? But I wasn't happy. Esme knew it. she tried to move us, to get us to
start over. But I wouldn't do it. So, she left. I didn't realize my mistake until it
was too late. I was too late and I gave up. I don't know what happened. I don't
know where she is. I don't know where my children are. I was too ashamed to go

after them. I couldn't face myself, let alone them. I lost all contact with my
family"

I grab his hands tightly in my own

I can feel his heartache through his fingers

"So now you help the boys?" I ask

"Now I help the boys," he sighs

I get Carlisle a drink

Even though he didn't ask for one

And sit with him until Angela comes in and gets mad at me

And there are customers lining up out the door

I offer Carlisle a place at my apartment tonight

Which he denies, as I expected him to

And that night we part with a long hug

And secret promises

Carlisle has helped so many

But none have helped him

I can't sleep the night before

I have packed my bags

And told Alice and Brosper goodbye

I have called Rose and wished her the best

And Charlie as well

I act like we're parting for a few days

When

In reality

I might never want to come back for good

The seconds pass slowly as I wait

Wait for the bus

Wait in line

Wait at the terminal

Wait on the plane

Wait for the doors to open

Wait to see him

Wait to feel right

Wait to be whole

Wait to find myself

For Edward

And for me

~*~

grande iced caramel americano

fill cup with ice

three shots of espresso while stirring ice

two pumps caramel

stir

fill with cold water

i cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the
foundation. it is too long ago. i was in the middle before i knew that i had begun.

jane austen

When I land at LaGuardia

It's raining

It's been four aching hours

Of tensed muscles

Eyes clenched shut as I try to sleep

And fail

My thoughts racing too far ahead

My mind out of control

Nothing is in control

The man next to me smells like cigarettes

He twirls his wedding ring

Around and around and around

I wonder what he's thinking about

I wonder who his family is

I wonder if he misses them

I wonder if they miss him back

Maybe his life is perfect

Yeah, sure, he may have his flaws

He may enjoy the occasional smoke, drink

He may look up some porn while his wife is out with her friends

But other than that

He is perfect

He has two kids and a dog

Maybe even a cat or a fish

He's coming back from an extended business trip

Maybe he's just landed a deal

And now he'll be able to take them all on that vacation

Like he's always wanted to

Or maybe not

For as the plane runs down the tarmac

He takes off his ring

And slips it in his pocket

Casually, people move from their seats

Rising slowly

Stretching their backs

Trying not to drop their carry-ons

On the heads of unsuspecting strangers

Part of me wants to stay in the airplane forever

The plane is safe

It is a state of limbo between

What I once knew

And what I can be

The plane doesn't ask me to make a choice

The plane doesn't ask me to face my decisions

The plane doesn't ask me to understand what I think, do, say

But another part of me wants to push everyone out of the way

And flee for the exit

Because this state of limbo

Hurts

Everything is uncertain

Like standing in the middle of a building

Shaking from the force of an earthquake

Flee or stay or flee or stay

They always tell you to stay put under a door frame

But me?

I think I'd run

We slowly shuffle out of the plane

And I can't tell if this is going to be the greatest day of my life

Or the worst

My heart pounds in my chest as I walk through the airport

I'm lost, really

I don't know where Edward is meeting me

I'm still behind security

All the faces look the same

Even in the frantic passengers

And the worried passengers

And the casual passengers

And the bored passengers

Airports hold a myriad of emotions

All across the spectrum, really

Though it's very, very difficult

To find happy

I can lie

And say that when I see him

Time stops

I can lie

And say that when I see him

I know that I am forever irrevocably in love with him

I can lie

And say that when I see him

My heart leaps in my chest

Pounding against my ribcage

But I won't lie

Even though I want all those things to be true

My emotions don't follow those carefully scripted lines

Of that romantic drama

That plays on repeat

Right after a marathon of Bad Girls Club

You didn't have me at "hello," Edward

You had me way before that

He doesn't see me at first

Though his eyes are trained on the crowd

Searching

He looks exactly the same as I remember

Though maybe his hair is a bit longer

And his shirt unrecognizable

New, I guess

I don't know how I feel about him having new things

Things that are foreign to me

Things that

I've missed

In his hands is a small bouquet of flowers

He clutches them tightly

His eyes darting back and forth more quickly now

From the crowd to the arrival screen

Hesitantly, I walk forward

He doesn't even see me until I'm practically right in front of his face

Flustered, he almost drops the flowers

Blinks once, twice, three times

Then briskly walks toward me

Pushing past the other people awaiting their friends and family

I don't know what being reunited with someone is supposed to feel like

Should I be drowning in overwhelming joy?

Should I fling myself at him and wrap my arms around his neck?

Should I cry tears of happiness and rainbows?

In my confusion, I don't do anything at all

Thankfully, Edward does it for me

His arms engulf me

And pull me toward him

With no sign of warning

Or indecision

Or hesitation

He knows what he wants

He always knows what he wants, I think

And even though he sometimes has trouble holding onto the things he wants

I am still insanely jealous of him for it

The flowers are being squished between us

But I don't care

Because I am smelling and touching Edward

And I know I've made the right decision

Because, really, there was never any decision to make

It is him, I guess

It has always been him, I guess

And it will always be him, I guess

And even though they are all just guesses

These guesses are far more than anything

I've ever guessed before

"I didn't think you'd come," he says

His mouth right up against my ear

I still feel every part of him

And it is so intimate

Right there in the middle of the airport

With the eyes and the voices and the movement

"I couldn't not come," I say

Because it's true

I was worried, before

I was worried he didn't love me

That I wasn't as important to him as he was to me

But now that I'm here with him

And he's right in front of me

Looking at me in that way that he does

I can't believe

I ever doubted him

He pulls back slightly and smiles

His soft, bashful one

At our feet

Before looking up at me again

His face somber

"I wanted to apologize," he says

"Because before

I thought what I was doing was the most important thing

Like, without dance I would be nothing

But I realized that it really doesn't matter what I'm doing

Does it?

As long as I'm with you, I could be doing anything

And I would be happy"

I don't know where he gets those words like that

Because I'm not nearly as eloquent

So all I say is,

"I love you"

He says it back in his smile

"Dance with me?" he asks

And in the middle of the airport

To our own music

We dance

~*~

tall raspberry mocha

two pumps chocolate

two pumps raspberry

single shot espresso

milk to 145

stir

Edward has an apartment

It's small

Really small, actually

Smaller than anything I've lived in before

But I don't tell him that

Because I don't want to be rude

He seems so proud of it, too

Showing me around

Though it should only take about five minutes

To cover the space

He goes through everything

Draws it out

Tells me about how the fridge only sometimes works

And how

In the middle of the night

If you listen hard enough

You can hear the prostitutes talking quietly across the street

He has a mattress on the floor

That he looks embarrassed by

"I meant to buy a frame," he says

His hand cupping the back of his neck

His cheeks blushing lightly

"I meant to buy it before you got here but I didn't have time"

There are three blankets thrown haphazardly across it

He walks over and tries to straighten them

But it's a lost cause

"It's great," I say

And he looks so proud

Pushing his chest up

With a quiet smile

I tell myself that

Just for this night

I won't think about anything

Not the future

Not the past

I will stay in the present

With Edward

On a worse for wear couch

Staring at the spot

Where there should be a television

But isn't

"I'm glad you're here," he offers, cradling my chin in his hands

"I'm glad I'm here, too"

He kisses me lightly at first

Like he's afraid

Like it's his first kiss ever

And he fears that with any misstep

I'll pull away

And tell him that he's doing it wrong

But he isn't doing it wrong

Of course

My fingers wrap around his neck and pull him closer

Which is all the encouragement that he needs

We don't make it to the bed

Which is okay

Because it's not much of a bed anyway

Really

He's up early the next morning

For rehearsal, or something

But I sleep through it

And don't wake until early afternoon

When he's already back

With a sack of bagels and two cups of black coffee

"Hey," he says

And kisses my cheek

Over his shoulder is the same bag he's always had

One constant in everything else that has changed so drastically

And even though it is worn and dirty and desperate to be replaced

I can't help but feel grateful that he's kept it

To give me something to hold onto

We pick apart our bagels and drink the coffee

The kind I used to make

And vow to never make again

While Edward showers I call Charlie

He doesn't seems surprised that I've made it to New York

In a way, I think he's relieved

I think we were both worried that I'd never go anywhere

Or do anything

He urges me to stay for as long as I need

But to come back and visit, of course

Once I become famous via osmosis of the New York aura

I don't tell him that the aura is just

The shouts of angry, rushed people

And pollution

For the first week

I can tell that Edward is still a little bit afraid

A little bit wary

On Wednesday

He comes home about an hour and a half late

I'm sitting at the kitchen counter

Reading the newspaper

I hear him open the door

But don't turn around

He rushes up behind me

His breathing heavy

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says

His hands moving forward to touch me, then retreating

"For what?" I ask, confused

"We had to stay late, I'm sorry," he says, continuing to apologize

"That's fine. There's nothing to be sorry for"

Bewildered, I touch his cheek

The corners of his eyes are turned down in worry

"I didn't want you to be here alone. I didn't want to stay there"

"It's fine. It's fine," I repeat

He opens his mouth, hesitates, then closes it

"What?" I ask

"I'm afraid you'll leave," he confesses. "I feel like I can't hold onto you"

Even though it's sad, I smile because he's so wrong

"You couldn't get rid of me if you tried"

Around two months after my arrival

Edward receives a call from an unknown number

Which turns out to be a pay phone from the heart of Seattle

"Carlisle?" he asks, shocked

My eyes dart up from the book in my hands

I set it down and walk over to Edward

Who puts his phone on speaker

"I think I found my daughter," Carlisle cries

At first, I think Carlisle is delusional

After all, he hasn't seen her since before she even hit puberty

How would he ever recognize her?

Yet, as he continues to speak, even I believe it

I believe he's finally found her

On accident, really

As he happened to be passing by her apartment

On his way to meeting one of his boys

He's too afraid to go to her

He doesn't want her to see him like this

All broken

He calls himself a failure, repeatedly

A mixture of pride and regret

As his daughter has succeeded in life

Without him

Carlisle gives us her address

The moment Edward asks

After all, he is willing to do anything for Edward

Even 2,500 miles away

I call her the next day

While Edward is at rehearsal

I sit on the ledge of our one small window

Leaning out over the fire escape

The city beneath me

She answers after the third ring

And while I shouldn't be nervous

I am

My heart thundering in my chest

My head whirling

"Hello?"

The beginning is innocuous at best

Yet, as I begin to explain to her

Who I am, why I'm calling

I can tell that she is closer and closer

To cutting me off

"Who exactly are you again?" she asks

Sounding annoyed

Which is understandable

Given that I'm calling about her

Long-lost homeless father who happened to see and recognize her while standing
on the street outside of her apartment

She doesn't believe me

She still doesn't believe me

Until I say

"Was your father's name Carlisle?"

There is a long, drawn-out pause

"My birth father. I haven't seen him since I was very young"

She agrees to meet with him

If only briefly

At the coffee shop I used to work at

Getting back in touch with Carlisle is difficult

But after calling several of the homeless shelters in Seattle

I manage to find him

When I tell him that she's willing to meet him the next day

He cries

Carlisle's daughter calls me fifteen minutes before their scheduled meeting

"I didn't know who else to call," she says, "But I'm nervous"

Edward looks at me curiously

Wondering who I'm talking to

His brow furrows

"I know him personally. He's a wonderful man"

I don't know how else to convince her

She has no reason to trust me

But she does

I hear her take several deep breaths

"Okay," she says, and hangs up the phone

I don't receive a call from either of them afterward

And begin to get worried

Edward rubs my back

Up and down and up and down

As we wait by the phone

For either of them to call

"What if something went wrong? What if she hates him? What if she's the wrong
girl?"

"No one can hate Carlisle," Edward says softly

And I see just how much

Carlisle's life has affected his

For the better

When Carlisle calls a few hours later

Happier than I have ever heard him

I think I feel whole

Two weeks later

Edward slides into bed after me

His dress rehearsal having run late

He groans when I rub his back

Kneading the taut muscles

"Bella, I was thinking," he says in an almost whisper. "Do you think, maybe, we
could try and get in contact with my parents? Or, maybe you can. I don't think . .
. I don't think I'd know what to say."

I pause for a moment

A siren screams in the distance

"I think that's a great idea," I reply

Finding Edward's family is harder

They have moved several times since he last saw them

Without leaving a clear record

It takes me a little over a week

But I do manage to track them down

In a house eerily close to my own father's

Just outside of Forks, Washington

I sit with him as he calls them

I sit with him as he worries

I sit with him as he apologizes

I sit with him as he finally smiles, weak with relief

As he tells them about dance

As he tells them about Carlisle

As he tells them about me

I find an organization

That already works with reuniting people with their families

They're a nonprofit

And accept me readily when I apply

It's much more legal and technical than what I had done with Carlisle and Edward

Sometimes people don't want to be found

Sometimes they do

And when I finally match them

And when they finally meet again

It's like that day I saw Edward in the airport after so long apart

That feeling, replicated a thousand times

And I think that maybe I've found my dance

The one thing that I can do constantly and never tire of

But, let's be real

There are the days that I don't want to go in

The frustrating days

The days I really don't feel like doing it

But, overall

I enjoy it

And maybe that's the most I can ask for

The most anyone can ask for

After all, maybe that's life

Getting the pieces to fall into place

And even though you technically can't fight gravity

You have to have the will

And the passion

And the strength

To at least try

the end

thanks for reading