Fanfiction Based On Characters From Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Series

Rated MA for Mature Adult Content

Young Pilgrims

By INeedYourSway

Summary: Bella lives a life without passion. Passion is the only

thing Edward has.

~*~

Once you’ve read and enjoyed this story, why not show the

author some love, and review

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6562584/1/Young_Pilgrims

~*~

Chapter One

The Shins - Young Pilgrims

grande chai tea latte

one half whole milk

one half chai concentrate

steam to 145

half an inch of foam

Edward Cullen walked into my life without a care in the world

(I assumed.)
He was wealthy
(I assumed.)
Talented
(I assumed.)
Beautiful
(I knew.)
/
Because I could tell by the way that he moved
Pure, aching tenderness

Pure, aching charisma
Eat your heart out
/
He comes here every Sunday
I mean, so do I, but it's different
Hell, I work here.
I'm here every god damn mother fucking second of my life
(Except Tuesday and Thursday)
(Except my sporadic classes at South Seattle CC)
/
Got a problem?
/
He comes at the same time, too
It's a common time

It's not strange or anything
He comes at noon
People are lazy on Sundays
They get up late, come in late, need espresso to make it through

the afternoon
/
Like Sandra
She has two kids, Sandra. And a dog.
Sometimes she leaves her dog outside, tied up to the bike racks
I don't know
Her kids are always crazy I mean, they pull at her hair, her

earrings
They're the type that hang people's legs
I mean, the type that accidentally change to the legs of a stranger
while still thinking they're on Sandra's
I feel bad for the stranger
It's always the same reaction
There's a strange kid on my leg.
Fucking now what?
Nothing. You have to deal. Sucks.
/
Sandra comes in right before Edward
I don't even see Sandra anymore I just hear the alarm
Edward's next, Edward's next, Edward's next

/
I'm getting ahead of myself, though
I mean, I didn't know his name when I first met him
I mean, he didn't even introduce himself to me
I mean, I overheard his name being called out by one of his
friends
/
Anyway
He comes in like the beautiful people do
Smiling, little crease dimples
Lips slightly chapped
Biting cold
He shivers and it's still beautiful
Takes off his jacket
Takes off his athletic bag (It's slung over his shoulder when he
walks in. It's always slung over his shoulder when he walks in)
Today there's an umbrella
He shakes off the rain, creating a mini puddle by the door
I'll be cleaning that later
Bastard
/
"Hello," he says
And like a moth to a flame
I'm dead.

/
I smile
It's fake
I'm still dead
"What can I get for you?"
/
"Grande chai tea latte?"
/
I don't know if he's insecure or whatever, but everything he
orders sounds like a question
Now, normally, that would put me off
Make up your damn mind
It's your damn order
Right?
But instead I just smile and nod
"Of course."
/
And I take his credit card
And bam, bam, bam
Just like that
It's over
/
I stand by the espresso machine
The douche is playing on the radio

Sorry, I mean John Mayer is playing on the radio
I've memorized the words
I only hear it every day
/
And I'm free, free fallin'
And I'm free, free fallin'
/
I'm not free
Or falling
Thanks anyway
/
I hand him his drink
I don't know his name (at this point, anyway)
Right now he's just red
/
Red lips
Red hair
Red eyes
Red ears
Red cheeks
Just red
/
He nods a thanks
I mean, he ducks his head just a bit.

He does the same when walking out the door
He doesn't make eye contact with most people
He doesn't make eye contact with me
I mean, it's not like I'm anything special
It's not like he saw me one day and had an epiphany
It's not like he was all,
"Oh, Bella Swan, you're so beautiful, you're so lovely, you're so
clumsy (err, scratch that last part), you're so innocent, you have
such small hands. I love you. Marry me?"
Because, three things
/
I dub this the Bella Swan triad:
One
I am undoubtedly average
Two
I live my life unnoticed
Three
I don't have small hands
Small hands are weird
You can't, like, hold things
/
That night, I close down the cafe
Outside, the stars are glowing faintly
The city lights are omnipresent

Overshadowing
Exhausting
Like we can't stand too much natural beauty so we have to push
it out, away
Replace it with ideals
Replace it when the ideals change
Knock it down, build it up.
Repeat
I wipe off the tables
Cyclical
/
I call my apartment "Alice"
I mean, I didn't name my apartment
That would be weird
Alice just lives there
And it looks like she's the only one that lives there
Because I've yet to make a mark on anything
Ever
With anyone
She's out with her boyfriend when I come home
She usually is, anyway
It's not like this is surprising
It's kind of nice, actually

Splitting the rent with someone who doesn't even live here, I
mean
Alice attends some classes with me at SSCS
Her boyfriend goes to UW
He lives in a frat
So, naturally, I changed his name from Jasper to Brosper
He's nice enough
He's not around much either
/
I think they love each other too much for anything else to matter
Is that healthy?
/
I fall asleep on the couch
When I wake up, it's like I've only blinked
/
Mondays are slow
I sit with my chin resting in my palm, my eyes drooping, my soul
tired
The little bell above the door rings, but I don't hear it
I do, eventually, hear the
"Hello? Excuse me?"
I startle awake
/
"Sorry. Hi."

/
Well, hello, Red.
/
Seeing him without Sandra's preemptive presence throws me off
I mean, it isn't even a Sunday
Can't anyone be at least a little predictable anymore?
/
"What can I get for you?"
/
My thoughts are garbled, jumbled, broken
I'm surprised my words aren't the same
/
"Two grande chai lattes"
-he hesitates-
"Please?"
/
"Sure."
/
I ring him up.
He starts pulling money from his pocket.
It is crinkled.
Usually he uses a card, but not today.
He's 50 cents short
I tell him

He stares at me dumbly
His eyes open
Really open
/
They're green
Evergreen
/
I tell him again
"I need 50 more cents"
He digs his hands deep into his pockets
His face is endless
His face is something else, though, too
It's desperate
/
The bell chimes again
"Edward, is something wrong?"
This is the first time I've heard his name
It's monumental
/
The girl walking through the doorway has hair pulled back so
tightly it looks painful
It's in a bun
Her skin is starched
Pale

Perfect
She has on make up, an oversized coat, and ballet shoes dangling
from curled fingers
She looks flustered, but happy
/
I want to breathe like her
Fill my lungs and taste the air
/
Edward turns around
"I'm 50 cents short"
She pulls change from her pocket
"Here"
He blushes
"Thanks"
He's a mumbler
I watch them walk out together, Edward's athletic bag slung over
his shoulder
/
In their absence, nothing has changed
Except the knowledge that now I know his name.

~*~

Chapter Two

tall peppermint mocha

two pumps chocolate syrup

two pumps peppermint syrup

single shot of espresso

steam to 145

stir and add whip (optional)

Brosper is sitting in the kitchen
In only his boxers
Cool
His hands cradle a steaming cup of coffee
The kind that Alice is addicted to
Like crack or heroin or cocaine
/
Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic
/
He looks up when I shuffle in
His hair is disheveled
My thoughts are disheveled
It's biting early morning
The kind of cold that leaks through the cracks in the windows
The kind of cold that sticks to your bones
And lingers

/
"Hey Bella," he grunts
/
It's still dark outside
The kitchen is illuminated by the glowing green lights on the
stove
/
"Brosper," I acknowledge
/
I imagine Alice
All elbows and limbs
Sprawled beneath the sheets and blankets on her bed
Her hair wild
Her cheeks flushed
Her heart happy, fulfilled
/
Brosper stands, his coffee close to his chest
/
"Off to work then?" he asks
I nod
I'm running late and don't have time for breakfast
Or for him
/
My mornings are all like this

Cruel, repeated dreams
Groundhog day, I don't know
They're the same each time
Wake up, find Brosper, run late, miss the bus, wait in the rain,

curse to myself, dodge a homeless person
/
Angela, my early-morning co-worker, is already at the café
/
"You're late," she says
Her seniority makes her an ass
Just like seniority makes everyone an ass
The thing is, she's over 40
She's been working in the café for just under 15 years
She once told me:
"I feel like I'm standing in a room with no doors. And, from the
floor, rises coffee. It's brown and thick, like mud in a rainforest.
Eventually, I'm going to drown. Then, after I'm dead, I'm going to
realize that I've spent my whole life here, making coffee for

strangers."
/
I apologize and pull the blinds up
The sun is just rising
The streets look as though they are covered in hazy smoke
There are few people
Most wear suits

They look like statues
They might as well be
Made of stone, as everyone is
From somewhere in the back, Angela turns up the music
/
And I'm free, free fallin'
And I'm free, free fallin'
/
Still not falling
Still definitely not free
/
Angela leaves a few hours later
She says that she has to pick up her sick aunt from the airport
Again
/
After the morning rush, it is quiet
I play solitaire on my phone
A few customers come in, but they don't order anything
They pull out their fancy lap tops and sit in corner booths, utterly
engrossed
When I go around cleaning the tables, I peer over the shoulder of
a girl watching America's Next Top Model
Did I mention utterly engrossed?
/

I'm in the back grabbing more bags of coffee beans when she
comes in
It's the girl from a few weeks back
The one that came in with Edward, the one that gave him the

change
I might not have recognized her had she not been dressed in the
same way
Large coat
Hair pulled back
Doe eyes
/
"What can I get for you?" I ask
/
She looks at me distractedly
/
"Umm . . . a tall peppermint mocha, please."
I ring her up
She starts to walk away, then turns back
Her body is built on an axis
/
She is the center of gravity
/
"Actually, I was wondering something."
How am I supposed to respond to that?

"Yes?"
Good enough
"There's this guy that comes here every Sunday or so. He has red
hair. I mean, brownish red. Green eyes. I was just wondering if

you've seen him. I'm looking for him."
I know immediately who she is talking about
Edward
I think back
I've seen Sandra twice now, but no Edward
/
Something akin to panic swells in my stomach
It expands
/
I look at this girl's face
I mean, really look
It is frayed at the seams
Ragged
Like she hasn't slept, eaten, dreamed, hoped
The panic has been in her stomach for longer
It has pushed its way outward
It's leaking from her eyes
/
"I haven't, I'm sorry."
My voice trembles a bit

She doesn't notice
/
"Okay. That's fine."
It isn't fine
She isn't fine
I'm not fine
Nothing's fine
She grabs her mocha and leaves
/
I wish I could ask her to stay
I wish I could ask her to tell me when she finds something out
I wish I could ask her to let me help her
I wish I could ask her to do anything she can in her ability to find
him
But I can't
And I won't
I just sit here
Behind the counter
Stuck to the floor
Stuck to the linoleum
Stuck to myself
/
And John Mayer is fucking still free falling
I wish he would hit rock bottom already

Join the rest of us poor, lowly souls
Bastard
/
Customers trickle in and out the rest of the afternoon
I am preoccupied
My heart beat feels uneven
Lopsided
Weighed down by the sinking in my chest
/
I'm about to close when he comes in
Edward, I mean
Obviously
Who else would make me feel like flying
Just by being in the room?
/
He looks haggard
He is haggard
His athletic bag is over his shoulder
It is damp, along with his clothes
This makes sense, for outside water dumps onto the pavement
Quickly, his eyes dart from my face to the clock on the wall
/
"You're almost closed, aren't you?" he asks
His voice is empty

His voice has given up
/
"We're open for an extra hour on Fridays," I lie
He looks at me with a dubious expression
But shuffles to a corner booth
His body slumps over the table
/
"Is this one of those places where I have to order or can I just
sit?" he asks
He then blushes furiously
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so blunt. I'm just tired."
/
"You're not being blunt. You don't have to order."
I pull the pastries from the display case and begin packaging
them in saran wrap
I do this slowly, surreptitiously watching as he crosses his arms
over the table
He rests his head on them
Within minutes, he's asleep
/
After everything I could possibly do has been finished, I walk
over to him
I hover
His jacket rises and falls steadily
It is still darkened by the rain

He is cold
I place my hand on his shoulder
I am cold
/
I always have been
/
He startles awake, his body convulsing as he rockets upward
His head slams into the back of the booth with a startling crash
/
"Fuck," he curses, his hand darting to the back of his head
Blood is on his fingers
Battle wounds
Of rust
And putrid
Violent
Red
On
Red
/
I see his eyes, just for a moment
Creased worry
And then I faint

~*~

Chapter Three

grande caramel macchiato

three pumps vanilla syrup

steam to 145, milk in first

double shot through the foam

caramel syrup on top

I wake up sometime around nine
Or ten
I don't really know
It's dark
But not dark enough to hide the embarrassment
That's clear as day on my face
/
Edward's brow his furrowed
His hands are clean
He sits across from me in the booth
He is no longer damp
How long was I out?
Did I hurt anything?
Quickly, my hands scan all the parts of my body

That are most commonly injured
/
"You hit your head," Edward supplies
/
I reach up where, sure enough, a welt is growing
I touch it and scowl
/
"Great," I mutter
/
"Are you okay?"
/
Stupid question
Of course I'm not okay
I'm sitting across from probably the most beautiful person in the
world
(Well, except for Johnny Depp)
After I fainted right in front of said person
With my work uniform on
And the back of my head pounding
Pounding
Pounding
Like a
Dull
Beating

Drum
/
"I'm okay."
/
"I should go. I mean, I was here. I mean, I wasn't trying to be
creepy. I was just trying to help. I was just trying to help you, I
mean."
He ducks and rubs the back of his head
"I just wanted to make sure you weren't hurt."
/
"I'm not. Blood squicks me out. That's all."
When did I become so eloquent?
Where was the bumbling, drooling idiot
That hides behind the register
Counting the days
Minutes
Seconds
Until she dies?
/
"Sorry."
/
"Is your head okay?"
/
"My head?"

He seems surprised
Maybe he didn't realize he possessed a head
"Oh, yeah, it's fine."
He touches it, reminding himself that it's where it belongs—atop

his shoulders
"Your booth is sharp."
/
Sorry, let me sand it down for you?
/
There is a pause
It's bloated with silence
"Okay, well, I'll just go."
The sound of him leaving the booth is loud
It roars in my ears like the surf
Pushing and pulling and rolling
He slides his bag across the table
Hoists it over his shoulder
As he takes a step, all of the contents fall to the ground
/
"Shit," he curses
He put it on upside down
His face is defeated again
Instead of picking up the contents of his bag, he rubs the spot
between his eyebrows

Like a weary, conquered soldier
With nowhere else to run
/
Carefully, I peer over the edge of the table
To what the athletic bag
Vomited on the floor
/
I do not see what I expected
I did not expect to see anything
/
Instead, there is a clump of fabric
From beneath the fabric peeks out a ballet shoe
Its sole worn down
Black
From use
There's a water bottle
Two pairs of street clothes
And a rusty key that looks like it belongs in a drawer somewhere
Or in a cupboard full of secrets
/
He notices me looking and springs into action
Throwing the contents back into his bag with remarkable speed
And then he sprints out the door
Into the rain

He doesn't look back
/
I'm gathering my things when I notice it
The one ballet shoe
Halfway beneath the booth
Cloaked by shadows
/
I feel like some sort of lopsided, backwards
Cinderella
With one shoe
And an unknown destiny
/
I wait for a little longer
See if he'll realize what he's forgotten
To no avail
I take the shoe home with me
It feels like a keepsake
Locket
Promise
/
Alice sees it on the kitchen table when she comes home
"What's this?" she asks
I'm watching Teen Mom
I don't bother to look up

/
"Dunno," I answer
/
I hear her walk over
She drops the shoe into my lap and crosses her arms over her
chest
/
"Where's Brosper?" I ask, attempting to divert the conversation
"At some frat thing." (Surprise.) "Whose is this?"
She's curious because she knows I don't have friends
Except for her and Brosper
And maybe my parents
But everyone knows that they don't exactly count
/
"Some guy left it in the café today."
"A guy? You know this is a ballet shoe, right? Also, a guy?"
"I know what it is."
"A guy?"
"Yes."
"A guy you are friends with?"
"No."
"You're boring."
"Go away."
She sticks out her tongue at me

Then shoves her face into some Ben and Jerry's
And joins me on the couch
/
I have two classes the next day
One in Boring and the other in Boring
I wouldn't be able to explain the differences between the two
classes if you paid me
Afterward, I spend some time with my television before driving
to Forks
To catch up with my dad
/
He's lonely
I know this
Because I'm lonely, too
/
He has me over for dinner
Well, he takes me out to dinner
I don't mind
I don't exactly have the money to eat out much
He asks me how school is
He asks me how work is
He asks me how Alice is
He asks me how I am
To all of which

I give my standard
"Fine"
/
I leave just as the sun falls beneath the horizon
And the rain clouds clog up the sky
/
The next morning I arrive just after Angela
"Someone was looking for you yesterday," she says, right off the
bat
/
"Who?" I ask
No one ever looks for me
Not that I'm complaining
I don't look for anyone
/
"Some guy who says he thinks you have his shoe. He seemed
pretty desperate. I guess he really wanted his shoe"
I stare at her blankly
/
"I do," I finally say. "I have the shoe. Did he leave a number or
something?"
/
"No," she replies. "He said he'd stop by today. I told him when you
worked"
I stand for a moment

My whole body
Buzzing
"What are you doing? Take down the chairs already."
/
It's near the end of my shift when he finally comes in
I'm making someone a caramel macchiato
It gives me a chance to spy as he comes forward
One of his hands running nervously through his hair
I've never seen someone so
Distraught
At wit's end
He sees me and starts over immediately
I feel a wave of security
A feeling of being wanted
I relish in it
/
"Hi again," he speaks quickly, like he can't get the words out of his
mouth fast enough
/
"Hi."
I don't know what else to say
Because I am quite obviously socially retarded
In the background, John Mayer is free falling
To

Hopefully
His death
/
You can't fall forever
/
"I was wondering . . . did I leave my shoe here with you? That
night, I mean."
His eyes dart around like this is some kind of risqué conversation
It occurs to me that, had I been an eavesdropper, it would sound
like one
And had it been a perfect world
All of those assumptions
Would be true
/
"I have it in the back."
There are only two other customers in the café
One is an old woman eating a croissant
The other is a man perusing the newspaper
"Follow me."
/
He ducks behind the counter
And we head into the stock room
I pull the shoe from behind a large back of coffee beans
"Is this it?"

I know it is
He looks so relieved
He looks like he wants to cry
/
"Yes. Yeah, that's it."
I hand it to him and he feels the fabric
When he looks up, there is more emotion in just his eyes
Than I have felt
In my entire life
"Thank you so much," he says
And hugs me
Like an old friend
Or a beloved
Startled, I awkwardly hug him back
Until he lets go
Because it ran too long
And ended too soon

~*~

Chapter Four

tall dirty chai

half milk, half chai

single shot of espresso

steam to 145

Edward lets go quickly
Almost like he's been electrocuted
He takes two steps back
Quick, decisive steps
That's all he can take before he backs straight into a rack of coffee
beans
Two bags fall
Landing on the floor
Breaking open and spilling outward
/
Edward looks at them blankly
"I can't get anything right around you," he says
But mostly to himself
Like I'm not really here
Watching every single one of his movements
With some sick fascination
That makes me feel crazy
/
He looks me straight in the eye, then
And the stare is so piercing
It's like he sees straight into my soul

It can't be much of a view
/
When he kisses me
Impulsively
Quickly
Beautifully
I don't feel it in my lips
I feel it my toes
My fingers
My eyelids
Every place that shouldn't be warm, is
Before he can pull too far away, I've got my hands fisted in his
hair
Pulling
Pushing
His mouth opens
/
I've only ever done this with one other person
In high school
With a boy
(Just a boy)
Named Jake
He will always be a boy, I think
He's one of those people that doesn't age

Just stays the same no matter when you see him
He's reliable like that
He's unsurprising like that
And that's why we fit together
Until the day he cheated on me
With a girl named Emily
When I asked him why
He said
"Our relationship was just too predictable. It never felt exciting."
I wondered if I ever felt the same
I never did
/
Because you have to feel something before you miss it
/
Kissing Edward is different than kissing Jake
For one, I know nothing about Edward
There is mystery
Intrigue
And Edward knows nothing about me
He doesn't even know my name
I could be anyone
I could be no one
I am one of the two
He just doesn't know which one

/
His hands fist in my shirt and pull it over my head
Fingers greedily skimming the fabric of my bra
The cup
His lips are on my neck
And I know this is moving too quickly
And I know I don't care
/
I feel the self-doubt creep in
It starts somewhere in the recesses of my brain
In those dark, dusty corners
Where I wonder if I'm skinny enough
Pretty enough
Smart enough
Good enough
Because when only one other person has seen you like this
Naked and vulnerable and raw
You don't know
Quite exactly
How you compare
/
"Edward," I breathe
Because his tongue is in that spot
That makes my toes curl

And my heart race
And my breath quicken
/
I don't know when it happened
But his shirt is on the floor
His pants are unbuttoned
And his belt hangs separated like a limp
Snake
His chest heaves up and down
His hands burn
/
I touch him
Barely
He reacts
"Rose," he moans
/
I don't know what I feel
Empty again
I guess
Maybe it was just hiding
Maybe it never left
/
I back up
Clutching my breasts

That are now bare
And cold
He pants in surprise
His hair is a mess
His face is a mess
Of emotion
/
"Please leave," I say
His face transforms from confusion to distress to understanding
to apologetic
"I'm so sorry," he tries to say, tries to apologize
And then I realize this is the point where he's supposed to say my
name
But he doesn't even know it
"Just leave, please," I sigh
"I keep fucking up," he cries, like he can't contain it anymore
/
Mechanically, I pick up my clothing and put it on
When I'm fully dressed
He's still in the same position
His back resting against the coffee beans
His eyes glazed over, looking off into the distance
At that point
Just over my shoulder

/
"I have to get back to work. You can stay here if you want."
I leave
Almost a full hour later, I see him slink out the front door
Attempting to go unnoticed
I watch his back as he blends into the rain
/
That night, I cry
The kind of great, monstrous tear that I didn't know I was
capable of
Alice is at some frat thing with Jasper
I saw her leave dressed up as that Mario Kart character
That looks like her face is a vagina
The pink one
I don't know
Brosper was Mario
It makes sense, I guess
It's October 1st
Fair game for all the Halloween parties to start
And never end
I figure she won't come home tonight
Given that she isn't home most nights
I fall asleep early to the sound of the rain on the roof
/

The next morning, Alice is passed out on the couch
I have no idea where Brosper is
But apparently she never managed to make it out of her costume
Before she threw up on her shoes
I poke her forehead until she wakes up
Disoriented and hung over
She sits up and gags
/
"What the fuck is all over my shoes?" she asks, both appalled and
outraged
"Your barf. Or someone else's barf. Brosper's barf?" I offer
"What time is it?"
"Time to get a watch"
"Oh, I'm Bella and I'm so hilarious," Alice sneers "If I come into
the café today will you make me my Alice is hung over drink?"
"Dirty chai?"
Alice nods
She stands, but sits back down immediately
"Better make it a double."
/
Today is busy
Sundays usually are
I'm attending to customers for most of the morning
And almost miss it when Alice walks in

She sits in a corner booth
Huge sunglasses perched atop her ski slope of a nose
She looks entirely out of place
I make her drink and bring it over
Sitting across from her
She takes a sip
"How was the party?" I ask, just for something to ask
"I don't know, it was typical. Except this one guy stripped down
naked and tried to crowd surf"
"That's weird"
"I guess. I don't know. He was crossfaded, I think"
"Oh"
She then launches into some story about how Brosper was being
hit on by a girl dressed up as Luigi
And I tune her out in about six seconds flat
/
Through the reflection on Alice's sunglasses, I see him walk in
He's carrying the same bag
He's in the same clothes
And he very obviously hasn't showered
He looks disoriented
Especially when he sees that no one is behind the register
He saunters up
Like he doesn't know exactly where to put his feet

Before resting his elbows against the counter
His eyes wander to the bell
That requests the customer to ring for service
His palm hesitates over it
Like he's wondering if the bell might bite
/
Alice sees me watching him
"Who's that?" she asks
I sigh
"That's Edward"
"Edward Edward?"
"What does that even mean?"
"You know, ballet shoe guy"
"I have to go talk to him"
"I'm coming"
"You're so not coming"
She makes a face and sips her chai
/
I walk up to him and place my hand on his shoulder
He jumps
Practically launches into outer space
Before turning around
"You scared me," he says
"Sorry," I half-heartedly apologize

Then he just looks at me
"What?" I prompt
"I came to apologize. You weren't supposed to apologize," he says
"Apologize for what?"
"For what happened. I mean, yesterday"
"Nothing to apologize for," I dismiss
He fidgets, wrings his hands together
"Yes there is. I said the wrong name. I just—my head wasn't in a
good place. It still isn't, I guess. It never is, I guess"
And I truly have to admire such honesty
"It's okay. You don't know my name"
Sheepishly, he rubs the back of his neck
"Can I get your name?"

~*~

Chapter Five

drip

When I tell him my name
He lets it roll around on his tongue for awhile
"Bella," he repeats
As if I've forgotten
It looks like he's memorizing it

His eyes—if possible—grow brighter
I see Alice eying me
From the booth
Her sunglasses pushed to the top of her head
Holding back the hair
/
"Well, I have to get back to work," I say
He seems surprised
"Right. Well, I'll see you around. Or I'll see you here or
something"
"Okay. Yeah, maybe. Bye"
And that's that
Like not everything we have said so far
Has had some hidden intonation
Of lust
/
Fall in, fall out
/
I close up for the night
I have two days off
Angela is training some new girl
I can't remember her name
Or her age
Or even what she looks like

But she'll be joining the ranks soon
And she'll never leave
Just like the rest of us
/
Alice coerces me into going to one of Brosper's many events
She pleads and bribes me with ice cream
The one thing I can't deny
(Along with all other types of food)
She dresses like a slut
Then dresses me up like a slut
And then we're ready to go
Perfect
/
The house is sweaty, sticky, gigantic, and pulsating
Just like every frat guys' dick
It only takes minutes for me to get overwhelmed
And overheated
/
Alice wanders over with Brosper
Behind them is a girl
That Alice seems very eager about
She introduces her to me
And I can't bring myself to care
A single thing about her

In the end
I don't even remember her name
/
Only minutes later
I tell Alice (scream to Alice) that I'm heading outside
She nods distractedly
Her arm draped over Brosper's shoulder
As he pours her another shot
/
Outside, people huddle in circles
Smoking grade A Pacific Northwest weed
Their sharp inhales are audible
All the way across the lawn
The air smells of it
Sweet and tangy
The smoke drifts around
The sea of glazed eyes
And vacant faces
/
I rest my back against the side of the house
The air is damp
Three girls
All of their arms hooked together
Walk clumsily up the road

On each of their cheeks is stamped a purple "W"
It must be game day
Or maybe not
One girl breaks from the group
Stumbles over to the string of hedges that line the sidewalk
And pukes
Go huskies?
/
Absentmindedly, I walk away from the smokers
I cross NE 45th street and head deeper into campus
It's pretty quiet
Save for the occasional student
Meandering in between the residence halls
And Greek row
Most are in sweatshirts
With umbrellas dangling from their wrists
As they slosh through wayward puddles
/
I make my way through the quad
The branches of the trees cloaked in nighttime
Up ahead, the bright lights of the library
Shine across the square
Onto a large group of people exiting
Meany Hall

The performing arts center
They are dressed in fine clothes
And they all look eerily similar
As though borne from the same mold
At the same time
/
I wander toward them
Feeling underdressed
And depressed
My hair has fallen low
The formerly high bun
Sagging toward my shoulders
It has given up to gravity
The group is chatting
Seemingly drunk on happiness
Seemingly oblivious to the world
To the impending rain
That cackles above their head
Ravaging the clouds
/
The skies open up
The rain tumbles down
Umbrellas are extracted and raised
Groups huddle beneath them

Rushing to their cars
To their homes
To their lives
I sit in the rain
On the stairs beneath the monstrosity that is Kane Hall
All cement and brick and condescension
My dress is soaked in minutes flat
And in the rain
It's impossible to tell
When I'm crying
/
A group of three or four stragglers exit the theater
They notice the rain and yelp
Two girls and a boy
And I recognize him
And I don't understand
How God could hate me so much
To throw me in his path so repeatedly
In a city filled with so many people
/
And he notices me
I see his head turn in my direction
His eyes squint into the damn darkness
He says something to the other two

And jogs over
The rain makes his hair flat against his forehead
And while it's too dark to make out his features
My breath still catches in my throat
And it is hard to breathe
"Bella?"
He has to yell
The rain is coming down so hard on the bricks
That the roar is deafening
"What are you doing out here?"
I don't know
What am I doing anywhere?
"Come on, let's go inside"
He holds a small book over his heads
Attempting to deflect the rain
/
I stand up
My shoes in my hand
My bare feet making small splashes on the brick
Inside Meany Hall
I feel drowned, then
Coughed up on the shore of some distant beach
Rejected from my home
I shiver

He takes off his jacket
Wraps it around my shoulders
Grabs my hand
Leads me past the rows and rows of seats
Up to the balcony
/
"What were you doing out there alone? Do you know how
dangerous that is?"
He sounds distressed
He is distressed, I guess
"I was with Alice"
He doesn't know who Alice is
He doesn't mention it
He stands up
Paces back and forth quickly, two times
Then sits back down
/
His jacket smells like him
And earth
And hardship
/
"What was showing here tonight?" I ask
He looks at me from the side
His jaw sharp and defined

"The ballet," he answers, almost hesitantly
"And you were in it?" I question
I don't know what made me ask it
I think I knew all along
That he was a dancer
His responding nod isn't really an answer
It's more of a confirmation of what I already knew
/
"Do you have somewhere to sleep tonight?" I ask
I notice that his athletic bag is absent
I've never seen him without it before
His fists clench in response to my question
I imagine his nails digging into his palms
"Yes, I do," he answers quickly, sharply
"I didn't mean to offend you," I say
"You didn't," he lies "Do you need me to get you home?"
"No," I respond
I take off his jacket
"Keep it," he says
And I wonder just how many jackets he has to spare
When he offers me it
Still, I take it
If only to have something of his
That I can keep near my heart for awhile

~*~

Chapter Six

tall latte

one shot espresso

milk steam to 145

foam

Edward is uncomfortable
I can tell
It's like I can taste it
He hovers behind me as I walk out into the night
"Are you sure you don't need me to get you home?" he asks
Again
"I'm positive. I'm going back to Greek row"
He looks unconvinced
"If something happens, I—" he begins, then stops
I think he realizes that he has nothing to offer
I smile
It's hollow
"I'll see you soon, then" I say
Because fate has that way of bringing us together

And I have a funny feeling it won't stop
/
I walk back to Greek Row with Edward's jacket draped over my
shoulders
The rain has stopped now
Thick, heavy drops
Fall from the trees
When the wind shakes the branches
I dodge them as I make my way
Back to the party
Where nothing has changed since I left
I weave my way through the house
Trying to find my way to Alice
As I walk between the throngs of people, I get groped
Twice
/
I find her out back
Dazed and confused
Her lips parted
Smoke leaking through them
Brosper is nowhere to be found
"Where's Brosper?" I ask
She takes awhile
Just to focus on my face

"Who?"
"Brosper! Jasper! Where's Jasper?"
She looks around
Bewildered
"He was just here," she says
I rub my forehead
Feeling disgustingly sober
And hating every minute of it
Thankfully, Brosper comes wandering up
His hands still zipping up his pants
"I was taking a piss," he says
"Fantastic," I drawl in response "I'm leaving and taking Alice's
car"
"You're such a drab," Alice whines, pulling on Brosper's arm
I ignore her
Reluctantly, she hands me her keys
/
Even though it's late
And the only thing that should be playing on the radio
Is infomercials
John Mayer manages to croon his way in
Before I have a chance to silence him
/
I fall asleep on top of the covers

With my shoes still on
And Edward's jacket
Pulled tight
Underneath my chin
/
The next morning
My phone alarm shrieks angrily from inside my pocket
I slap my hand to my forehead
Having completely forgotten about
What I had to do today
For my class in Sociology (AKA Boring) at SSCS
I'm required to do some shitty
Service learning requirement
Where I have to go out into the community
And help people
/
Gross
/
And, naturally, it's on my day off
At the crack of dawn
/
I pull myself out of bed
And don't even bother to brush my hair
I stare at myself in the mirror

I look hung over
I look like a carcass
I have to pinch my cheek
To remind myself
That I'm alive
/
I've set up some arrangements
With the a Seattle soup kitchen
Just north of the U-District
Alice's car still sits in the parking lot
And I decide to take it
Even though I know she'll get mad at me
The first second she gets home and sees it missing
/
It doesn't take me long to get there
Which is good
Seeing as I'm already ten minutes late
The sun has just enough time to rise over the building
As I throw my car in park
And race through the back entrance
/
I used to volunteer here with Charlie
When we came into the city
For weekend trips

I feel a curious nostalgia
That bites at my fingertips
And the edges of my heart
As I walk into the kitchen area
And recognize some of the staff
/
"Bella, is that you?" an old woman asks
I recognize her
But at the same time, I don't
"Yeah, sorry I'm late," I apologize
"It's no problem, dear. It's great to see you again. How is your

father?"
I commence with the obligatory small talk
When all I really want is a cup of coffee
A book
And some quiet
/
She sets me up in front
Where they're serving the long line of homeless
That leak out the side of the building
And trail down the street
They vary in ages, sizes, colors
Many have very obviously just come down from a high
That might have lasted them all night

And made them feel invincible
But now they're just hungry
For a meal
And kindness
Others don't look like they've just come down
They look like they fell long ago
And simply can't get up
/
Mechanically, I hand each of them sacked lunches
That were probably prepared the night before
I forgot that there were things in my life
That used to make me feel good
/
A few of the men
Usually the older ones
Try to chat with me as I hand them their food
Their innocence is endearing
As they ask about my life, school, work
But I keep them moving
Until they go and sit down at the tables
And share their troubled lives with strangers
/
It's near noon when he comes in
And this time, I'm not surprised

At first, he doesn't see me
His back his hunched
And he stands next to an older man
With golden, sunny hair
Who could be attractive
Had he shaved and showered
The older man steps up first
With Edward standing behind him
Still staring at his feet
The athletic bag looking damn near
The weight of the world
/
I hand the man his lunch
He nods in polite thanks, then steps down
Edward steps up next
And I fear he won't even see me
Until he looks up at the very last second
And freezes
Like he's been hit Medusa's gaze
And turned into stone
I notice that he wears a different jacket
But it's much too large
There is a nametag stitched to the lapel
That says "Carlisle" in blocky script

/
"Bella," he says
I want to skip all of this awkwardness
I want to skip all of the explanations
I don't want him to put him through it
"I have your jacket in the back. Hold on," I respond
Even though he didn't ask for it
I duck into the back and bring the jacket out
By the time I've returned
So has the older man
He stands protectively by Edward's side
But his eyes crinkle
With a seemingly permanent smile
/
"So you're Bella, then?" the older man asks as I hand Edward
back his jacket
"Yes?"
It sounds like a question
"It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Carlisle. I've heard so much about
you," he says, reaching over the counter to shake my hand
Edward is blushing beet red
As he pulls his jacket over his shoulders
He hands the other jacket to Carlisle
Who takes it distractedly

"Carlisle, we're holding up the line," Edward mutters, nudging
him
Carlisle sighs and smiles
"So we are," he says
He reminds me of a wise man
A sage
Someone who knows far beyond his years
But carries the knowledge tucked close to his chest
"Perhaps when you're off you will come sit with us?" he asks,
gesturing to the tables
"It'll be another half an hour," I say hesitantly
"Oh, we'll wait," Carlisle grins
/
When they walk over to the tables
I see Edward left the collar of his jacket up over his nose
And inhale
/
As I finish serving the last of the line
I watch them
They talk quietly, separated from the other men
Edward nods a number of times while Carlisle speaks
And I wonder if I've just met
His father

~*~

Chapter Seven

grande peppermint hot chocolate

three pumps chocolate

three pumps peppermint

steam to 145

whip (optional)

As casually as humanly possible
I walk over to Edward and Carlisle
I receive some strange looks when I sit down
That I studiously ignore
Edward scoots a bit to his right
In order to allow me space
He eats quickly
Like he's afraid that the food with disappear
If he doesn't finish it soon enough
When he's finished
He throws his trash in the bag
And looks at it forlornly
/
"I can get you another one," I offer

Knowing where the extras
Are stashed in the back
Edward opens his mouth to reply
But is cut off by Carlisle
"Now, we don't want to take more than our share. Right,
Edward?"
Carlisle still has over half of his sandwich left
He's making it last, I guess
"Right. No. I mean, no thank you, Bella."
"If you're sure," I trail off
We are silent for a few
Uncomfortable minutes
I clear my throat
"So, you and Edward live together?"
"That we do," Carlisle smiles "Ever since he got to the city."
"When was that?" I ask
"Oh, about two years ago. Right, Edward?"
Edward nods
Ducks his head
Rubs the back of his neck with his palm
"You're not related, then?" I assume
"No, no. I'm kind of Edward's guardian."
/
But I think he's more than that

Maybe not by blood
But by heart
Because I can see the way he looks at Edward
With so much pride and joy and love
Like a father
To a son
/
We spend the rest of the afternoon
Talking about Edward's life
Apparently he's from Chicago
But left home for reasons he doesn't want to discuss
His face turns crimson
And he ducks his head
Unwilling to meet anyone's eye
Until Carlisle coaxes him back
To the land of the living
/
On our way out into the daylight
Edward walks with me to Alice's car
Carlisle makes some excuse about needing to stay inside
But I know better
For I saw him wink at Edward on our way out
/
We stand by the door to the driver's side

And it feels like the end of a date
With tension so thick
I could slice it with a knife
Edward speaks first
Thank God
"I'm glad you made it back okay. Last night, I mean," he says
"Oh, thanks. Yeah, it was good. That I wasn't attacked or
something"
"Right. That was the good thing"
When did it become so difficult
Just to talk to another person?
"Okay, well, I'm going to go. Alice is going to kill me if she sees
that her car is missing"
"Alice is your roommate?" he asks
My hand hesitates on the door handle
He eyes it quickly, then looks back at my face
"Yeah, she is. She's my friend. I like her. Most of the time"
He smiles and looks at the ground
Shuffles his feet
/
There's another silence
I turn around and make for the door handle
But his voice stops me short
Again

"Um, Bella?" he begins
I turn back around
"I was wondering if maybe, um . . ."
He stops talking
And is staring fixedly at my lips
Reflexively, I lick them
And his face transforms from uncertain
To determined
/
The kiss is chaste
Compared to what we shared in the stock room
When we were drunk on lust
And hazy with the feelings
Of skin on skin
He doesn't open his mouth
Just lingers
For maybe a second too long
Then pulls back
And looks to the side
"Are you working tomorrow?" he asks
"Yeah," I reply
"Well I'll see you soon, then. For sure this time"
And I swear that when he walks away
He stands up straighter

/
When I return home
Alice is practically fuming
I have to lock myself in the bathroom
To prevent the physical assault
"I swear to God, Bella. You didn't even call!"
"I didn't think I'd be as long as I was"
I try to defend myself
I fail
After pounding incessantly on the bathroom door
She pulls her stereo up to it
And starts playing Jason Mraz
As loud as it goes
/
"You're going to get us a noise complaint!" I shriek
But it's drowned out
By a remedy
An experience
And a dangerous liaison
Which, I guess, are all the same thing
Whatever
I get into the shower just to drown out the noise
It doesn't work
/

By the time I get out of the shower
Alice has gone
Along with the car
I do a little happy dance and spend the night on the couch
Watching John Cusack
Hold a boom box over his head
/
The next day is one of those days
Where I have class and work
And want to kill myself
Repeatedly
With a butcher knife
I wake up to the sound of my alarm
Which is exceptionally loud
Due to the fact that it fell against my ear
While I slept
/
Brosper is sitting in the kitchen again
His eyes glazed over
With sleep
The coffee still brewing in the pot
"Hey Bella," he mumbles
And refocuses on the newspaper
Sitting on the counter

/
For the first time
In a long time
I worry about what to wear to work
And what Edward will think about my make up
And my clothes
And my hair
I spend an excess amount of time straightening it
And don't have time to eat breakfast
/
I take the bus today
In a stupid apology
For hijacking Edward's car
As a result
I sit next to a man with so much body codor
That, once I get to work, I spray myself with Windex
Just to get the stench out of my sweater
/
The day passes slowly
Until noon
When Angela comes in unexpectedly
Carrying a large stack of invoices
And a half-eaten bagel

"Hey, Bella. Would you mind doing a bit of training this
afternoon?" she asks
Yes, I do mind
I don't want to spend my afternoon dumping shitty drinks
And be busy when Edward comes
"No, I don't mind"
"Good. She's coming in, in about half an hour. She already knows
how to open, now she just needs to practice with the drinks"
"Great"
I smile
Then stab her in the back of the head with my eyes
When she turns away
/
True to her word
A girl comes in the back
About thirty minutes later
Out of the corner of my eye
I watch her put her hair up
And slide on the required apron
Before coming to see me
/
And it occurs to me
Quickly
Instantly

Like a slap in the face
That I know her
And I keep seeing her
And now I won't ever stop seeing her
Because she's my co-worker
"Hello again," she smiles
And it's sickly sweet
Like when you're a little kid
And candy gets stuck in your braces
"Oh, you're that girl. I just want to say sorry I came in all panicked
that one day when I was looking for someone. He just disappears

sometimes, and I thought you might've seen him"
Because she's the girl that was looking for Edward
And she's the girl that felt the same way that I felt when he was
missing
"It's no problem," I manage to choke out
"What's your name?" she asks
"Oh, I'm Bella. What's yours?"
"I'm Rose."

~*~

Chapter Eight

grande americano with an extra shot

four shots espresso

water

room (optional)

I want to hate her
No
You don't understand
I really want to hate her
But I can't
Because the sad thing is
That as much as I want to make Rose out to be this evil person
With some kind of ulterior motive
She seems nice
And pleasant
And she has a killer taste in music
/
After our shift
We stand out by the employee parking lot
She takes out a cigarette
And cups it with her palm
As she flicks the lighter
The tip
Glows

Like a star in the night
/
I try not to be disappointed
That Edward never came
I try not to be worried
That Edward never came
I try to forget
That Edward never came
I fail
/
Rose's car sits next to us
One of those uber liberal
Prius type things
With bumper stickers like
Coexist
Frodo lost, Bush has the ring
Republicans for Voldemort
And
Not all who wander are lost
/
"I used to dance with Edward," she says
Then takes a long drag
"Well, I still do. But I can't keep up with him anymore. No one can,
really" she continues

Her hair is long
And flaxen blonde
I bet that if I were to straighten it out
It would reach her hips
"Is he really talented?" I ask
Trying to keep the dying curiosity
From completely permeating my voice
But
I fear
It is long past preventing
"That, and he practices all the time. He's on scholarship"
She stops talking
Like she's feared she's said too much
/
"I know. About his situation, I mean"
Rose's shoulders slump
"Oh. Well, he spends most of his time in the studio. Sometimes he
sleeps there, I think. When he can get away with it"
The thought of him sleeping alone
In a room full of mirrors
Makes me frown
"Has he ever taken other jobs? I mean, for money"

"I've seen him take two or three, I think. He always quits within
the week, though. Probably for the best . . . he's already ragged
enough when he shows up for rehearsals"
We stand in silence
For a few long moments
It isn't uncomfortable
It's contemplating
/
Rose throws down the rest of her cigarette
And kneads it into the cement with her shoe
"Need a ride?" she offers
And that is how I end up
Well on my way
To becoming best friends with
Rosalie Hale
/
Alice sees me smiling and is immediately suspicious
"What's up with you?" she asks
Sitting at the table
With a feast of Thai food in front of her
"Nothing," I reply
Wanting something to share with just myself
My own little secret
I grab some chop sticks

And try to pick up some chicken
Dropping it several times
Until I end up stabbing right through it
Creating a makeshift shish kabob
Like the culturally retarded person that I am
/
"Jasper's having a party tonight as his frat"
(Just like every other night)
"Do you wanna go?"
"Hell no," I reply quickly
Before she thinks that I've considered it
When I definitely haven't
"I don't know why I even bother asking," she mumbles
"Me neither," I smirk
And pull the rest of my pad Thai
To the television
/
The next day
I'm tired as hell
I feel like I've had someone pour cement on my limbs
They drag
And drag
Angela catches me making myself a drink
But

For once
Says nothing of it
There's no one else in the café this early, anyway
And I know she'll be leaving soon
To pick up her sick aunt from the airport
Or something
Again
/
This time, though
Rose takes her place
Shuffling into the back
Looking like the walking dead
Though somehow still incredibly gorgeous
Life isn't fair
/
About an hour into our shift
An older woman
Probably around 50 or 60
Comes thundering in
Her face red and bulbous
Her graying hair contained under
A bulky, purple hat
"Do you two girls have a phone?" she asks
Some spit flies out of her mouth

And lands on the counter
Discreetly
I move some napkins
And wipe it off
"It's only supposed to be used for emergencies, ma'am," I reply
mechanically
Rose is off to the side
Sweeping up some spilt coffee beans next to the espresso
machine
I see her look up at the woman's entrance
"This is an emergency. Did you know that there is a transient

sleeping outside of your café?"
And the way she says transient
Like she has to push it off of her tongue
Like venom
Sends a shiver of hatred down my spine
/
Before she can call the police
Or whomever she was going to call
I step out from behind the counter
And brush past her
"Stop! You could get hurt!" the woman calls
She hustles after me
/

And it's Edward
Of course
Huddled beneath his jacket
And a blanket
Off to the side of the entrance
His eyes squeezed shut
Warding off the world
"I'll take care of it," I tell her
"But, he could have a knife. A gun. He could be on drugs!"
And so could anyone else
"He's asleep. Probably not on drugs."
"You're crazy," she whispers harshly
And flees
Like a bat out of hell
An obese bat out of hell
/
Once she's gone
I kneel down next to him
And shake his shoulder briefly
He wakes with a gasp
Just as he did before
Only he doesn't have the misfortune
Of making himself bleed

"I'm sorry I wasn't there yesterday. I said I was going to be there.
Kind of. I was going to, too. But I lost track of time. I didn't mean
it"
All of the words come rushing out
As he pushes himself up into a sitting position
His teeth are chattering
For on this particularly chilly day in October
It's closing in on 35 degrees
/
"Come inside," I say
And help him stand
His cheeks and hands and eyes
Red
"Do you forgive me?" he asks hesitantly
Picking up his stuff
And throwing it into his athletic bag
"There's nothing to forgive," I smile
/
When we're inside
Edward rubs his hands together
Warming them up
He glances at the clock
"I overslept. You opened an hour ago"
He fists his hands in his hair

And pulls
"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. It's fine"
And I'm so incredibly glad
That he slept through the old woman's display
For I know he would have been
Mortified
/
I get him some coffee
And notice that Rose is missing from behind the counter
"I'll be right back," I say
He wraps his hands around the cup and nods
/
I find Rose hiding in the back
"What's wrong?" I ask
"I can't go out there"
"Why?"
"Because Edward's there"
"So?"
"So, the last time I saw him he told me that he loved me and I
didn't say it back"

~*~

Chapter Nine

grande caramel apple cider

fill cup with apple juice

steam to 145

three pumps caramel

stir

"He didn't love me. He just wanted to. He felt like he had to, I
think"
I'm stone still
I don't think I've moved
A single finger
"You know Edward. He feels things much stronger than the
average person. Like absolutely everything is a matter of life and
death"
"I know"
I say
But I don't know
I don't feel like I know him at all, really
I feel like I've never even tried to know him
/
"Because I know he likes you," she continues
Like I haven't been dying for her to stop talking

This whole time
"All of the money he gets. From shows, donations, anything. He
spends on coffee and food for him and Carlisle. But why would he
spend it on coffee, Bella, every time you're working?"
"He shouldn't be spending it on coffee"
"I know. He knows, too. But he's stubborn as hell, really. Can't
convince him of anything. Especially not giving up"
/
I can hear our breathing
Together in the stock room
It's steady and strong
As we stare at each other
/
"He wanted to love me so badly that he made himself do it"
"I don't understand," I reply
"No one does. But I have a funny feeling that you will"
/
There's a knock on the door
That causes us both to jump
Our skeletons rattling around
In our skin
I worry for a second that it's Edward
Eavesdropping
But it's not

It's Angela
Coming in with the invoices and pastries for the next day
Her face red to her hairline
/
"Why is no one outside manning the counter?" she fumes
And we disperse quickly
Like small scolded children
/
Edward is still waiting outside in the booth
Sipping slowly on the coffee that I handed him earlier
I take care of a few customers
And wait for Angela to leave
Before I go over there
And join him again
/
"Are you sure you forgive me?" he asks one more time
Pushing the cup between his two hands
Back and forth and back and forth
"I told you that I did"
/
Angela brought in a new CD for the changing seasons
But John Mayer is still on it
"Daughters"
I think she might have thing for him

Gag me
/
"Will you come to my show tonight?" he asks
Just right out there in the open
Like he knows I won't say "no"
Because I won't
Obviously
"Where is it at?" I ask
"McCaw Hall"
And I know it
It's one of the venues most famous for
Requiring people to wear suits and ties and things with frills
Just to get in the door
/
"I can give you free tickets" he says slowly
Finally sensing my hesitation
"No, I'd love to go. I was just wondering, is all"
"Great. That's great"
He grins a megawatt smile
The kind you see small children emit
When they're given ice cream
Or those kids on the commercial
That figure out they're going to Disneyland
(Kids fly free!)

/
From the corner of my eye
I notice Rose come out from the back room
She tries to be all subtle about it
To be socially acceptable and all that
As she wanders over to our booth
/
Edward doesn't notice her
Until she is about three feet away
Slowly wiping down a table
In large, sweeping circles
"Rose," he exclaims
She pretends to be surprised
"Edward? Oh, hey!"
And she's overly peppy
Like everyone is
When they're trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation
In the quickest way possible
/
"Do you work here now?" he asks
Seeming genuinely intrigued
And while Rose looks like she wants to slowly cut out her
intestines
Edward looks nothing but engrossed

"I," she begins, but stops "Yeah"
/
"Are you taking time off?"
Now Edward looks perplexed
His brow furrows like he can't understand
"From dance?"
He nods
"Yeah. For awhile, I think"
Edward is dumbstruck
His eyes are wide like saucers
"What happened?"
"Nothing happened, Edward. Dance isn't my whole life anymore.
Not like it used to be"
There is a long
Drawn out
Pause
"You grew out of it?" Edward asks
/
And I see it now
Edward is Peter Pan
Innocent
Untainted
Running purely on want
Yet, a shell of a boy

Who fears change
And growing up
/
Edward leaves a little under an hour later
He has to go to dress rehearsal before the show tonight
He told me that my name would be on the list
At ticket will call
/
Rose isn't in this show
Apparently, she hasn't been in any for awhile
The parts are extremely competitive
And while she tried for a very long time
She was never quite good enough
For the stage
/
Edward, on the other hand
Is a male principal
/
Alice helps me dress
And I can tell that she is jealous
Me doing some hoity-toity thing
Like I've suddenly become hot shit
Like I suddenly matter
She even lets me borrow her dress

It is long and dark
With a scoop neckline
Something with far too much fabric
Than I've ever seen Alice wear
In my entire life
/
Driving there
I panic
My hands start to sweat
As I clutch the steering wheel
I don't know why I'm panicking
/
I think it's because I feel so high up
And I desperately don't want to fall
/
I don't even know what show is playing
And as it turns out
It doesn't matter
For the way his body moves
Is masterful
And a story of its own
/
The show is brilliant
With girls that look as though they are inflated with air

Weightless
Effortless
Floating
The boys the strong counterparts
Lifting
Twirling
Explosions in jumps and leaps
And I can't believe I'm here
In the middle of it all
/
It ends much too soon
And I wish that I could rewind time
And see it all again
/
Waiting for Edward to come out from backstage
I am surrounded by old money
People who have had way too much plastic surgery
And little girls in tutus one size too big for their waists
Gradually
They trickle away
Leaving me alone
I take a seat down on a bench and wait
/
When Edward comes out

Finally
He is still a bit sweaty
And there is a distinct lipstick mark on his cheek
He doesn't see me at first
And looks
Crestfallen
/
"Edward!" I call out
And he comes to life
Walking briskly over to me
"Sorry, I had to do meet and gree-" he begins
But I cut him off
"You were fantastic"
"Oh"
He blushes
/
When I hug him
I feel his hands dip lower than proper
And his lips at my ear
Whispering
"You look beautiful"
/
He almost pulls away
But I hold him fast

And ask
"Come home with me tonight?"

~*~

Chapter Ten

tall pumpkin spice latte

one shot espresso

milk to 145

pumpkin spice drizzle over foam (approx 2 pumps)

sprinkle cinnamon (optional)

I still have Alice's car
And his hands are crawling over the gear shift
Into my lap
As I drive
/
His athletic bag is in the trunk
It weights like five thousand pounds
I tried to lift it
And failed
/
I pull up to the parking lot
Beneath our apartments

/
It's frenzied
/
He pushes my back up against the door to the car
My dress rides
Up
Up
Up
Until I feel it hook just above my knees
/
My hands slide beneath his shirt
Feel his muscles
He shivers
And I remember that we haven't quite
Made it in the door
/
Shaky hands
Drop the door keys
With a clatter
Edward retrieves them
His hands sliding up my leg
With the fluidity that comes with
Years and years
Of sensual choreography

/
He lifts me
And we're through the door
And I'm struggling
Trying to direct him
To my bedroom
But somehow
Somehow
We've made it
/
And his fingers are down there
And his tongue is down there
And I want
Everything
Everything
Everything
Down there
/
My world comes crashing down
In fits and raves and pants and moans and cries
Into the pillow
As he sighs
Beautiful, yet melancholy
Brushing his pale finger

Along my cheek
In a broad, aching
Sweep
/
I gather myself
(Because, no, I don't fall asleep right after I orgasm
I'm not a pussy)
And roll to face him
My hands unhooking the buttons
Of his shirt
/
And, how are dancers so beautiful?
How are their bodies sculpted masterpieces
Without a single flaw?
/
And then my fingers are down there
And my tongue is down there
And I know he wants
Everything
Everything
Everything
Down there
/
"Bella," he murmurs

/
And feeling this naked skin
On naked skin
Is something so pure
And raw
That it makes me realize
Just how lonely I was
Just how lonely I had become
/
And now these actions
Ugly and primal
Have filled something inside of me
Some void I didn't realize was vacant
Just waiting for him to show up in my life
/
Someone I can share my words
Or maybe, even, my soul
/
His arm wraps around my waist
Deep green eyes brightened by moonlight
And I finally drift off
Into the coming dawn
/
We are awoken seemingly moments later

By a furious pounding on my bedroom door
/
"Bella, get your ass out of there! You're going to be late"
It's Alice
I groan and throw the pillow over my head
"We have class today, you know"
Why is she still screaming?
/
My eyes peek open
To see Edward
Still sleeping next to me
Tentatively, I touch his forearm
Just to prove to myself
That it wasn't a dream
/
He doesn't even stir
Doesn't even move a muscle
Sleeps right through it
/
I'm about to drift off again
When I hear the distinct sound
Of a lock being picked
By a bobby pin
/

"Shit," I curse
But before I can do anything more
The door flies open
Alice's mouth is wide
As if she were about to scream
(She probably was)
But her jaw became unhinged first
/
Her eyes dart back and forth between me and Edward
Who sleeps blissfully through the entire thing
Before she backs out slowly
Shutting the door with a quiet click
/
I fall back asleep again
Tucked into Edward's side
Warmth emanating from his skin
Like my own personal sun
/
I'm woken again later
By repeated curses
And Edward hopping around on one leg
Trying to pull his pants around the other
He pauses when he's noticed that I've awoken
Then goes right back to it

/
"I'm late," he says
"So, so, so late"
/
"For what?" I ask, still groggy
/
"Rehearsal," he groans, throwing clothes around as he searches
for his shirt
He finds it and pulls it over his head
His hair is a mess
And my lipstick has stained his cheeks
Lips
Neck
And forehead
/
Oops
/
"Come here," I request
And though he is reluctant
Torn between rushing out the door
And returning to the bed
He slowly walks over
His head ducked down
Like a dog ready to be punished

/
When he gets close enough
I lick my fingers and gently smear the lipstick away from his
cheeks
/
"Thanks," he says
Resting his forehead against my own
Like I've seen in movies
But never experienced in real life
/
The kind of mirrored silhouettes
That appear when two puzzle pieces
Are ready to be connected
/
"Last night was really good. Really. I'm glad you came," he says,
then blushes
"Came to the show?" I ask with a smirk
He nods
Still beet red
/
Up this close
I can see the pores of his skin
Larger around his nose
The two soft wrinkles

Lodged in outer corner of his eyes
And the one
Light freckle
Just in front of his left ear
/
He leans forward slightly
Then hesitates
His lips brushing against mine only barely
A ghost of the passion from last night
Just the final
Remnants
/
"I'll see you soon, okay?"
And I realize that this might be the step
Where I give him my phone number
Before I remember
That he doesn't own a phone
"I'll find you," he says
As if reading my thoughts
And before I can nod
Before I can even blink
He's out the door
/
From my bedroom window

I watch him jog down the stairs
And out into the street
His athletic bag bouncing on his shoulder
As he goes
/
Alone in my room again
I worry
As the loneliness creeps back
Like a leech that hungers for my blood
For my body
And I worry that without Edward
Without his presence
I will be reduced to nothing
But a shell of whoever I once was
/
A scared little girl
Who knows nothing but cold reality
And the emptiness in her heart

~*~

Chapter Eleven

tall white chocolate mocha

two pumps white chocolate

one shot espresso

milk to 145

stir

Rose has this brilliant plan
Except for the fact that it is
Totally not brilliant at all
/
And she just puts it into action one day
While I'm making someone's drink
Completely distracted
Due to the fact that there are for some reason a ridiculous
amount of people in the café
And John Mayer is stuck on repeat
/
So unfair
/
She tells me to come to her place after work
Just so we can have a few beers
I don't know
And sit around on the couch
And watch Sex in the City
Or maybe football

Depending on whether her roommate is home or not
/
And that sounds totally bomb
Right?
Wrong
/
Because she lied to me
About
Oh
The entire thing
/
Well, except for the beers
At least I got the beers
/
She drives me to her apartment after work
And it's really nice
I mean, it looks like she has a trust fund or something
But then I meet her roommate
/
He's a computer engineer
But he doesn't look like a computer engineer
/
He's big and bulky
The exact opposite of her, really

With hair spiked up
Like he slathered it with gel
And then hung around upside down for awhile
Until it froze solid
/
But he had kind eyes
Dimples
And a smile that shares his happiness
/
"You must be Bella," he says
And squeezes me tighter
Than a constrictor snake
"I'm Emmett, Rose's roommate," he continues
/
But when I see the way that he looks at her
I can tell immediately
That he wants to be much more than roommates
/
But Rose
She doesn't see it
In the way that girls are always blind
To the person that's staring them right in the face
Begging for them to notice
/

She wraps her arms around Emmett's waist
She can barely reach all the way around, mind you
And remarks about how they are childhood friends
Who just never split up
/
Apparently
They've been living together for over three years
And Rose has been through at least
Three different boyfriends
During that time
/
None of which were Emmett
/
We're sitting on their couch
Watching some taped football game
When a knock sounds at the door
/
At first, I don't think anything of it
Until I see the way that Rose jumps out of her seat
And Emmett throws her a sly little grin
As she shuffles over to the door
/
"Oh, Edward, you shouldn't have"
I hear her say

I immediately stiffen
And notice that I'm wearing clothes suited for watching football
and drinking beer
Not seeing Edward
The day after
Giving him oral
/
Crappity McCrap sticks
/
I'm beginning to flee
But Emmett puts a hand on my forearm
Holding me down
/
And Edward comes walking in
In a suit no less
(Sure, it's not a brand name)
(Sure, it's a little frayed)
(Sure, it looks like it's been to hell and back)
But it's surrounding Edward
And he's clutching a bouquet of flowers
Being all disgustingly beautiful
And I look like I popped out of a JC Penney commercial
For Mom jeans
/

My life is awesome
/
"Bella," he says when he sees me
Thrusting the flowers in front of him
"These are for you"
/
"Calm yourself, Fabio," Rose says
Placing a hand on his shoulder
/
"Oh. Thanks," I say
I take them
And hold them awkwardly
Because I don't really know what else to do in this situation
/
Edward and I both shuffle our feet
And try to avoid eye contact
/
"Well, ready to go?" Emmett asks with a grin
And before anyone can make another move
I grab Rosalie's elbow and pull her into the nearest room
Which just happens to be the closet
/
It smells like moth balls
/

"What the hell? I demand answers," I snap
To which she just grins
All coy and condescending
"I wanted to surprise you! Isn't it great?" she asks
"No! I look gross. Did I even brush my hair? I don't remember"
"Uh, it looks like you did," she offers
I frantically run through it with my fingers
"Fantastic"
"I know I am," Rose smiles
And opens up the closet
Pushing me out in front of two
Very confused looking boys
/
"Do you think they just hooked up in there?" Emmett asks
Nudging Edward with his elbow
Edward just blushes
As he tries not to fall over
/
Because Emmett is the exact opposite of Edward
Edward is long and lanky
Muscular, but lean
While Emmett is all beef
Like the Hulk
So similar that

I don't really want to see him angry
(But I wouldn't really mind seeing him shirtless)
/
Is it wrong to think about other guys
When I'm with Edward?
Is it wrong to look at other people
When I'm with Edward?
Am I doing anything right
When I'm with Edward?
/
We're at some pasta restaurant
You know, the kind that serves wine at the table
And has a waiter that thinks he's much too important
To properly serve anyone under the age of thirty
/
Edward is seated next to me
He keeps rearranging his silverware
And refolding his napkin
And readjusting his collar
And reworking his hair
I rest my hand on his
Just to calm him down
And he gives a small
Grateful

Smile
/
"What's wrong?" I whisper
As Rose and Emmett bicker about
Whatever it is
People who don't yet know they're in love
Bicker about
"I don't feel like I fit in here," he admits
/
"You'd fit in anywhere," I reassure him
And it's true
His beauty is the classic kind
With chameleon-like features
That could look proper in any setting
/
It only then occurs to me
How will he pay?
"Do you need money?" I ask
Edward flushes
And looks almost
Dare I say it
Offended
"No, I've saved. And I'm paying for you, too"
I almost laugh

"You are definitely not paying for me"
/
"Yes I am. Don't fight me"
And I don't fight him
Because I can see that he wants to
And telling him not to
Would just do more harm than good
/
And when the bill comes
I cringe
Before passing it to Edward
Who puts on brave face
And pays it all in cash
/
We sit there talking
The four of us
For an hour or so longer
And hidden from plain view
Are Edward's fingers
Roaming gently
Up and down my thigh

~*~

Chapter Twelve

two shots in a cup

(self-explanatory)

I'm watching The Sound of Music
Because, honestly, because there's nothing better to do
And it's on ABC Family
Right after that show about the teenage pregnant girl
It feels like I've been sitting here for twelve hours
Eating a hot pocket
And my life
Away
/
It's just gotten to the part when
Christopher Plummer
Finally takes the stick out of his ass and starts to sing
When Alice comes in with Brosper
Right behind her
/
"What are you even doing?"
Alice always puts the word "even"
In random places in her questions
And statements

"Watching The Sound of Music and eating a hot pocket," I reply
Though it was pretty damn
Obvious
/
"Okay, well then you're coming with us tonight," she says
"Can't. Edward's coming over," I reply
Even though I don't exactly know when he's coming over
Given the fact that he doesn't own a cell phone
And his rehearsals often run late
"Why isn't he even here yet, then?" she asks
"I don't know"
"Edward is weird"
"You don't know him"
"Yes I do"
/
Thankfully, Brosper takes Alice out of the room
Before I can shank her with a dull knife
/
She comes back only a few minutes later
Throwing some clothing at my face
"Get dressed," she says. "Edward can come too"
"Come where?"
"Out"
Brosper just shrugs

And begins to raid through our fridge
He takes out a jar of pickles
And eats them one by one until all that's left
Is the gross pickles juice at the bottom
Which
Of course
He puts right back into the fridge
/
I'm counting on Edward to be late
And for Alice to get impatient and leave
But Edward isn't late
And Alice doesn't have the chance to get impatient
/
He knocks on the door only a couple minutes later
Because God hates me
And all that
/
Edward comes in
Looking confused
He glances at the tv
"Sound of Music?"
/
"Convince Bella to go out," Alice pouts
Edward looks between us

And even as I shake my head vehemently
He says in a very less than convincing voice
"Go out?"
/
"Oh, and you're coming too," Alice says
Brosper saunters over and introduces himself to Edward
Who shrugs the athletic bag off of his shoulder and shakes
Brosper's hand
/
"Are you at the UW or SSCC? Seattle University? Seattle Pacific?"
Brosper asks
"Oh, none of the above"
"Oh, you're at Bellevue Community College? Sorry, Bellevue
College now. Whatever," Brosper continues
"I'm nowhere," Edward answers
And I want to hug him
Brosper looks confused
But walks away anyway
Probably trying to find more food in the fridge
Before Alice forces him out the door
/
"Change," Alice orders
Pushing me into my bedroom
Leaving Edward alone outside

/
Having given up
I change quickly
And straighten my hair
And burn my pointer finger
Like I do every fucking time
/
When I come out
Edward is shuffling his feet by the door
His face beet red
I notice Alice and Brosper hooking up on the couch
Right in front of him
/
"When do they breathe?" he asks quietly
"I have no idea. I let them deal with it"
Alice glances up to the sound of my voice
She already looks thoroughly fucked
/
Apparently I'm driving
/
Alice leads me with occasional directions
She and Jasper sit in the back seat
It's safe to say I don't use the rearview mirror
On this trip

/
I'm completely out of the Seattle boundaries
By the time Alice tells me to pull off of the highway
The podunk town we drive through
Only has two buildings in it:
A Safeway and a motel
And it is gone before I can blink
/
Yet
Out in the middle of nowhere
Is a barn
With hundreds of cars parked in front of it
/
People loiter about
Many of them tripping hardcore
And blasting music from their cars
/
"Is this right?" I ask Alice
Even though I know it is
Because this is exactly Alice's scene
/
See, Alice was raised in this really small town in northern
Washington
Up near Canada, I think

With parents so strict they pretty much didn't allow her to see
the light of day
She didn't even touch alcohol until she went off to college
Nor did she touch the skin of a boy
So, naturally
Here she is
Doing every sort of substance imaginable
And fucking Brosper three times a day
/
Now, I'm not saying that all sheltered people are like this
But
Let's be real
It happens
/
I, on the other hand, raised myself
And I want to get myself the fuck out of here
/
I see Edward look out the window
And his Adam's apple bob when he swallows
/
"I don't know about this, Bella," he says
"No, me neither. I want to go, but I don't know how Alice and
Brosper will get home"
Was that a lie?

Do I want to be here?
Do I want to let go
Just this once?
/
In fact, Alice and Brosper have already left the car
And are halfway to the vibrating barn doors
By the time I've turned off the ignition
"Do you want to stay out here?" I ask
"Do you?" he asks
And even though I think
Normally
We would both rather sit at home
Watching The Sound of Music and eating hot pockets
We get out
And wander toward the beat
/
It is hypnotic
Dizzying
Exhilarating
/
The air is thick with sweat
And weed
/
Edward's eyes are dilated

And darting back and forth
He opens his mouth as if to speak
Then closes it up again
/
And we both
Do
A lot
/
And I would be lying
If I told you
That I didn't feel
On top of the world
/
Edward's skin is electrifying
I feel it all around me
I feel like I'm on fire
He is out of focus
I am out of focus
The world is out of focus
/
My brain is lazy
Paranoid
Thrumming
My heart skips beats

Jumps forward and backward
And even though I know that it will
I never want it to stop
/
Edward's tongue is somewhere
(I don't know where
Because I feel it everywhere)
When Alice shows up
Telling me something about how
Brosper is too drunk to function
And we have no driver
And we're walking to the motel
/
But it's all in a blur
Of faces and voices
And until I wake up
Hours later
Face down on a dirty motel bed
I don't comprehend anything
/
"Bella"
I hear
Over and over and over
Like an alarm

Or a mantra
Or a prayer
"Bella, Bella, Bella"
I roll over
My head pounding
Like a woodpecker
Is lodged in my ear
"Bella, Bella, Bella"
Finally, I register it to be Edward
But he's asleep
His eyelids flickering
His mouth parted
His hand stuck beneath his cheek
"Bella, Bella, Bella"
I crawl over
To where he lay
Fully clothed
On top of the covers
"What is it?"
"Bella, Bella, Bella"
"Edward, what is it?"
"You have to stop me"
I shake his shoulder
But he won't wake

~*~

Chapter Thirteen

venti white hot chocolate

four pumps white chocolate

milk to 145

stir

whip (optional)

Alice wakes me up
By telling me that the car is idling outside
Waiting for me and Edward
/
Sometimes
I forget that Alice actually is nice
When she tries, anyway
/
I rub my eyes with my fists
The room is very bright
The sun is high in the sky
Edward is still asleep next to me
In the exact same position I saw earlier in the morning

When he spoke through his dreams
/
"Edward," I say
He mumbles something and rolls on to his other side
"Edward," I say again
And stick my hand
Cold from being outside of the blankets
Underneath his shirt
He gasps and convulses
Thoroughly awake
/
"What the hell?" he groans
"We gotta go, come on," I reply
Tugging him from the bed
He stumbles along after me
Eying our surroundings warily
And it occurs to me
That he probably doesn't remember how we got here
/
"What did I do last night?" he asks
I hesitate
"What do you remember?"
Edward rubs his forehead
"I lost control, didn't I?" he begins

And then goes off on a tangent
His words too muddled and quick for me to understand
Vaguely, I hear a string of profanities
Carlisle's name
And more profanities
/
We get into the car
And Edward slides over to the other side
Blocking me out
"Hey, it's okay," I say, resting a hand on his shoulder
He shrugs me off
"It's most definitely not okay, Bella," he mumbles
I see Alice and Jasper exchange glances in the front seats
/
"It was just some fun," I say quietly, lightly
"I can't have that type of fun. Just not now, okay?"
And I've never had Edward be so short with me
/
It occurs to me
That I've gotten used to how generous he is
How kind and thoughtful
How he never gets mad at what I say or do
How he looks at me
How he sees me

/
And now I feel tainted
Like his image of me is tainted
Like I'm a painting
Formerly pristine
But now smudged with
Age
And
Knowledge
/
Alice drops us off at the apartment
I think that she sees we need some time
For she immediately goes to Brosper's frat
(Okay, maybe she just wanted to go to Brosper's frat)
/
Edward walks in front of me
And waits while I take out the keys to do the door
Avoiding eye contact
Though this time not in embarrassment
Or uneasiness
But in something else
Disappointment?
In me?
In himself?

/
"Stay awhile?" I ask
Trying to keep the desperation out of my voice
Because what will I be if he leaves now?
What will I be if he never comes back?
What was I before he came into my life?
/
"I've gotta go talk to Carlisle," he mumbles
Throwing his stuff into his bag
He zips it up and stands
Pausing for a moment
Before he exhales in one large breath
/
Finally, he looks at me
And it's like I exist again
/
I don't know what he sees in my face
But he comes right over
And even though I'm not crying
He rubs the delicate skin beneath my eyes
Trailing his thumbs down my cheeks and over my lips
/
"It isn't you. It's me"
And isn't that fucking classic

That line
"Are you breaking up with me?"
He looks appalled
"No, of course not. What the—Bella, I could never break up with

you. I don't even know what I'd do"
And he sounds so sincere
That maybe I do start to cry
Just a little
"You can't stay?" I try again
"No, I really have to see Carlisle. I can't fuck things up anymore. I
have to be better. He helps me be better"
/
And after he leaves
I wonder why I can't help him be better
Why I can't bring him up
Instead of only bringing him down
/
I work the closing shift
And it's slow
As closing shifts usually are
Just the occasional customer
Looking for their late-night buzz
/
From my position at the register

I can see it begin to rain
And I find myself wondering where Edward is right now
Does he have somewhere to stay?
Is he at a rehearsal?
Is he out of this weather?
/
I force myself to think of other things
Just to get through the rest of my shift
/
That night
I drink some shitty vodka
And fall asleep before nine
/
I don't see Edward at all the next few days
Each day is longer than the last
Like the sun hesitates
Just one more minute
Before crossing the horizon
/
It's completely random
That I happen to run into Carlisle
At a 7-eleven downtown
After one of my morning shifts
/

"Carlisle?" I'm hesitant
Because I'm not sure if I know him well enough
To just randomly approach him
"Bella!" he grins
And pays for one of those dollar candy bars
"How have you been?" I ask
For I figure it'd be rude
To outright ask about Edward
"Oh, I'm fine. Edward's fine too. Just in case you were wondering"
There's a small spark in Carlisle's eye when he speaks
The one that gives away a cunning intuition
/
"Where is he?" I finally ask
"He's been trying to focus on dance for these last few days.
Putting in some extra hours. Edward . . . he gets off track easily.
He needs some time to get back on the rails"
"I understand," I say
Even though I don't
Selfishly, I just want Edward back at my apartment right now
And to never let him leave again
/
"He'll come around soon, Bella. I think you're a new track"
And without even saying goodbye
He leaves

Eating half of his candy bar
In one bite
/
I wake up the next morning
With feverish skin and a pounding headache
Half-asleep
I call in sick to work
And burrow beneath my covers
Until a thunderous knock sounds at the door
/
I throw my pillow over my head
Hoping whoever it is will just leave
But they're incessant
And I drag myself out of bed
Just long enough to open the door
/
Edward stands before me
Looking distressed beyond belief
He begins babbling about something
And I let him
Shuffling back to my room
Where I get back in bed and close my eyes
/
Edward finally stops talking

And sits down on the edge of the mattress
Twisting his hands together
"You weren't at work and I was worried," he says softly
"Don't be worried," I say
My voice raspy
He smiles a bit to himself
His brow furrowed
"How can I not be?" he asks. "I have everything to lose"

~*~

Chapter Fourteen

iced grande soy vanilla chai

ice till the cup is half full

half milk, half chai

two pumps vanilla

I get better
Edward grows more and more distant
Carlisle wasn't exaggerating
When he said that Edward needed to focus more on dance
To get himself back on track
/

I hardly see him for two weeks straight
They are preparing for a show
One that apparently means a lot to him
Due to a talent scout being in the area
Looking to hire new dancers professionally
/
There is still another week until its opening night
But he's been practicing incessantly
And it isn't until he knocks on my door
Near midnight
That I realize he is doing too much
/
"Bella, can I come in?" he asks
As if I would say no
"Of course," I say
And open the door wider
"Where's Carlisle?" I ask
"Shelter," he answers
Dropping his athletic bag on the kitchen floor
"I got there too late to get in. They ran out of beds," he continues
"You don't have to go there. You can just stay here"
He gives me the look
That he's given me a thousand times before
I don't know what it is, exactly

Something about hurting his ego
/
He won't live here unless he pays
/
He begins to drag his bag to the closet
That is when I notice he is limping slightly
Though he tries to hide it
/
"What happened?" I ask
And he attempts to play it off as confusion
"What do you mean?"
"To your leg or something. You're limping"
"Oh, that's just a strain" he says
But winces before he can cover it
/
"Go sit down," I order
And he actually listens to me
I join him on the couch a few minutes later
With some of my leftovers reheated
"Where's Alice?" Edward asks
"At Brosper's frat," I answer. "Where's the strain?"
"I just pulled a muscle," he says quickly, looking hungrily at the
food
I hand it to him and he hesitates only barely before digging in

Had this been a few weeks ago
I would have had to convince him just to touch the plate
/
"You're a good cook," he says
Like he says every time he eats something that I've made
Somehow, it's still genuine
And I wonder why I can't appreciate things
Like Edward appreciates things
/
Maybe it's because I haven't lived enough yet
/
He finishes quickly and stretches out on the couch
Giving me a lazy smile
And slowly closing his eyes
"Are you tired?" I ask
His eyes pop back open
As if he hadn't realized he'd closed them
"No," he lies
/
I untie his shoes
He watches
Eyes half-lidded
As I pull them off
Then his socks go, too

Worn as they are
With holes in both of the soles
His toes are red
The outlines of the toenails bloody in some spots
Though it is dried on
I frown and he curls them
Embarrassed
/
"You're hurting yourself," I say
Fingers trailing up his ankle to his calf
I push his jeans farther up
Feeling the light hair on his legs
Watching as his breath begins to quicken
Invigorated
I crawl up over his legs
And let my hands roam beneath his shirt
Where his muscles
Hard and taught beneath his skin
Respond to my touch
/
His fingers graze over my cheeks
Down my neck
Along my collarbone
Down my arms

Along my stomach
Down my legs
Along the back of my knees
And up
And down
And up
Until my shirt comes off
And his shirt comes off
And his hands are kneading my breasts
And my hands are wrapped around his neck
And our jeans meet
And he moans
And I moan
/
My tongue runs down his neck
His chest
I watch his eyes roll back
His hands move to his zipper
Unzip
I pull off my shorts
Clumsily
But it doesn't matter because nothing matters except for Edward
/
We don't plan to have sex on the couch

I guess
It just sort of happens like that
We are both there
We both don't make it to the bedroom
It wasn't really planned at all, actually
But his fingers in my hair
And on my skin—
I can't control it
Can't control anything
And neither can he
For when he screams my name
Into the empty air
He says that he loves me
Over and over and over
Until he falls asleep
/
And now I lay here
Waiting for him to wake
My ass freezing
As I try to cover it up with the blanket
/
He ends up waking with a start in the middle of the night
I am still up
Contemplating

"Bella?" he gasps
And grapples around
Even though I'm right next to him
Pushed up against his side
On a couch too small for the two of us
/
"What's wrong?" I ask
And smooth back his hair
As if he were a small child
He looks disoriented when he sees me
Like he didn't expect to still be here
/
"I haven't told you everything," he says. "About me, I mean"
I pause for a second
"What do you mean?"
"I'm worried, though," he continues, like I hadn't asked the
question
"I'm worried that you'll never want to see me again"
"That's not possible, Edward"
His brow furrows
"Just one more night," he says
Pulling me against him tighter
"And I'll tell you in the morning"
"Okay, Edward"

And I think he's fallen asleep
By the sound of his deep breathing
But then he speaks again
"I meant what I said, you know. I do love you"
And before I say the
"I love you, too, Edward"
My mind flashes to Rose
About how she said that he made himself love her
And I find myself wondering if this is fake, too
Even though it feels so real
But know in my heart
I wouldn't be able to tell the difference if I tried

~*~

Chapter Fifteen

grande iced caramel macchiato

it's the same thing as a latte

but with caramel

you don't even get espresso-flavored foam

and you're paying a shit ton more for it

stupid

I wake up the next morning
Wrapped up in blankets
Tucked beneath my chin
I am still naked
And I feel sticky
And raw
/
Edward isn't next to me
Instead, he sits on the chair next to the window
Smoking a cigarette
Something I didn't know he did
/
"You smoke?" I ask groggily
"I quit two years ago," he says
Then takes another long drag
And blows it out through his nose
He's not wearing his shirt
And his body is curved
Like a broken parenthesis
He won't meet my eye
/
I stand
Wrapping the blanket around my body
As I walk over to him

My chest meeting his back
Cold from the morning air
/
"What's wrong?" I ask
Because I can feel the wrongness in his bones
/
"Do you remember what I said last night?" he asks
Smoking the last of his cigarette
And throwing the butt out the open window
The air is cold
Freezing, really
But I don't move to shut it
Because we're as frozen as the air
/
"I mean, yeah. You said you loved me," I say
Trying to sound nonchalant
In the most inappropriate way possible
I expect him to accost me
To ask me why I didn't say it back
But instead he just sighs and rubs his forehead
"Not that, Bella. The other thing"
And my mind searches back
To the middle of the night
When all other things were hazy

And I could only think about myself
/
"No," I admit
Because the only things going through my mind were
Rose, Edward, love, Rose, Edward, love
On repeat
/
"I have to tell you some things about myself I've never
mentioned," he says
And I watch as his hands
Shaking
Search through his bag
Until he pulls out his pack of cigarettes
And hastily lights another one
"Whatever it is, Edward, it'll be fine," I reply
But he disregards this
Shaking his head quickly as he pulls in a deep drag
/
"It's been said," he begins, but stops
"It's been said," he starts again, "That I have an addictive
personality and that I've inherited it from my family"
I just nod
Because I can tell that this isn't his confession
No, this is just the very beginning

Just the background information
And something swells in my stomach
A wretched combination of fear and confusion
Because this is what Rose was talking about
He falls hard and fast
He gets addicted
He believes he needs something
When he doesn't
Not really
/
Rose, Edward, love, addiction, Rose, Edward, love, addiction
/
"It started when I was really little. Like stupid stuff, I mean. I
wouldn't stop sucking my thumb . . . stuff like that"
He takes another quick drag
And when he talks
He exhales smoke
"And then I got older. I would only have to try things once. Like,

when I was in middle school, one of my friends in Chicago asked
if I wanted to try his dad's whiskey. It was horrible. We could
hardly swallow it. But I had to finish my portion. I had to"
He rubs his forehead again
Something he does when he's nervous
Always

"And then there were drugs. And Bella, it all went so fast. It was
out of control. I was out of control"
His eyes dart to my face
Appraising, briefly
Before looking back out the window
/
I wonder if that was the grand finale
But somehow
I doubt that it is
/
Sure enough
He continues
"I stole from my family and friends. For a long, long time. In
Chicago, I was in dance. It was the only thing that kept me . . .
sane. My parents said that if I didn't quit they'd stop paying for
dance. I didn't quit. They stopped paying. I left the house"
He doesn't tell me how he got to Seattle
I think he doesn't want me to know what it took for him to get

here
Or why he came
"I found Carlisle on the street. I'd been beaten up pretty badly. He
took care of me. He takes care of all of the younger ones, if we let
him. He's a good guy, Carlisle"
Carlisle lost his family
Now all he wants is a new one

Is that so wrong?
/
"There was an open audition at PNB. I wasn't going to go. I just
wanted to get high. But Carlisle made me. He helped me through

the withdrawal"
Edward shudders
His entire body cringes
"And I went and got in. I don't even remember the audition"
He trails off, smiling a small smile
/
There is a long pause
"I'm glad you're better now, Edward," I say
Because what else do I say?
I'm sorry for your past?
I'm sorry for your life?
"But I'm not, Bella. I'm completely reliant on dance," he says
vehemently
Like he's disgusted
His body curling over with the force of the words
"Without it, I'm gone. Dance always has to be number one for me.
Always"
He says this all like a disclaimer
/
"That's a good thing. To have something you're so passionate
about. That you have dance at all is a good thing"

He sighs
"It has to be my number one," he repeats
Then touches my cheek
His expression heartbreaking
Like he's trapped
Even though he's not
He's anything but
I know trapped
I'd know trapped anywhere
/
Or maybe he is trapped
Just in a different way
/
"You're beautiful," he says
Now that he's really looking at me
I give him a half-hearted smile and wrap my arms around his
neck
He is hesitant
And touches me only briefly in return
"What are you waiting for?" I ask
"For you to leave me"
"You'll have to wait a long time for that one," I smirk
He smiles
Brushing my hair back from my face

"Because I love you," I say
Because even if he has an addictive personality
Maybe that means he's addicted to me
If just for a short time
At least I'll have him
/
But little do I know
Come only two weeks
I will be taking every one of my words
Back

~*~

Chapter Sixteen

decaf drip

two bags

that no one will ever drink

I'm not an angel
I repeat:
I AM NOT AN ANGEL
I'm not anyone's angel
That is not a word anyone should be used to describe me

Because
Let's be real
It's obnoxious
It makes a joke out of perfection
And it's obnoxious
Did I mention it's obnoxious?
/
I'm selfish
I'm hormonal
I'm human
I make mistakes and do stupid things
I trust people that I shouldn't trust
I don't trust people that I should
I fall when people aren't looking
I fall when people are looking
And maybe
Just maybe
That makes me far more beautiful than an angel could ever be
/
I spend extra time getting ready today
I don't know why, but I want to look especially presentable
I even pull back my hair with a clip
A device that is, frankly, quite foreign to me
Alice drops me off on Mercer

And tells me she's going to pick up Brosper for dinner
/
I stand outside The Phelps Center
Waiting for Edward's rehearsal to end
Digging my shoe into a crack in the sidewalk
It's cold
And while it feels like a dead December
The leaves are only just rustling on the trees
As we fall deeper into November
/
Rose agrees to cover my shift tonight
Thank God
Because I can't handle one more person
Who decides to switch to decaf after they receive their order
/
Rehearsal is running overtime
Again
I see a few dancers trickle out here and there
Smiling
With their hair still up in that perfect bun
And large winter gear cloaking their tiny frames
I wonder how much longer he'll be
I remind myself that this is important to him
That this

That dancing
Is the most important thing in his life
When all I want
Is the most important thing in his life
To be me
/
He comes out a few minutes later
Alone, like he almost always is
Even though there is a small group trailing him
Throwing glances at the back of his head
/
"Hi," he smiles
And kisses my forehead
A hand braced on my shoulder
His hair is matted to the side slightly from sweat
And his jacket is only half on
"We ran late," he says, apologizing
Like he does every time
When they run late
Every time
"It's just getting so close to the show," he continues
Scratching the back of his neck as we walk back to my apartment
I let him talk
Let him wear himself out

/
When we get back
Alice and Jasper are just finishing up their dinner
And are heading out
She kisses me on the cheek
Tells me that the apartment is free for the night
And that she won't be back till morning
/
Edward pretends he doesn't hear
Edward tries to hide the small smile that creeps up on his face
/
"Listen," he says, his head on resting on my shoulder as I make us
some quick pasta
"I know I haven't had a lot of time, but I still love you"
His lips touch my neck
I swivel around
Taste his tongue
"You're focused. I understand," I say
Though I don't
Not really
I've never been that focused on anything
/
He gives me that look
The one that says he can see right into me

Right through my thoughts and feelings
Straight into my soul
It makes it hum
/
"Pasta later?" I offer
He nods
And we dissolve
Right there on the kitchen floor
Into a million little pieces
/
I notice that Edward has been filling out
He's not just muscle and bone now
His skin is healthy
No longer sallow
His face
Still beautiful
Glows in the dim light
His head rests on his arm
His lips parted slightly in deep sleep
Eyelids flickering
/
I don't want to wake him
Even though we still lay where we left off
On the floor of the living room

Beneath the blanket
That's normally draped along the back of the couch
/
I trace my finger over his nose
Lips
Eyelids
Ears
Cheeks
All bone structure encapsulated by skin
He mumbles and blindly reaches out his arm
Capturing my waist and reeling me in
Right up against his hips
/
I fall asleep again fast
And dream of warmth
/
I wake up to yelling
"Put some clothes on?" Alice screeches
Brushing my butt with her boot
Edward startles awake and clutches his junk
Blushing furiously
As he attempts to scramble out of her
Path of imminent destruction
/

Brosper chuckles in the corner
Wearing two popped collars
Gross
/
"God, you got our floor all spunky! I watch TV in here," Alice
growls, throwing me a blanket
Edward scurries into my bedroom
Bare butt and all
/
By the time I make it in there
He already has most of his clothes on
Except for his shirt
Which seems to be missing
As he is looking furiously through his bag
Throwing shit everywhere
/
"Calm down," I say
Like I always say
When gets too worked up
I throw on the closest clothes I can find
And sit on the bed while he packs up his things
"I have to go to rehearsal," he says
/
And this is how we work

And this is how we have worked
For the past week and a half
We spend nights together
We spend wonderful
Beautiful
Nights together
/
And I feel closer to him
Than I have to any other person in my entire life
In these nights
It's like magnets
The pull and the draw
The tug
The spark
Even though that's cheesy as fuck
I'll admit it
Because it's true
/
But then he pulls away
The boat from the shore
And he'll return soon
But sometimes I feel like he'll get lost out there
Too far away from me
And maybe he'll just start to forget

Who's waiting for him to return
/
"I'll see you soon, okay?" I ask
Distractedly, he nods
"Do you want me to wait for you at the end?" I ask
Distractedly, he nods
"Do you want me to save some dinner?" I ask
Distractedly, he nods
Kissing my cheek
And then he's out the door
And as I watch him walk down the street
From my bedroom window
He doesn't look back

~*~

Chapter Seventeen

grande london fog

fill cup halfway with hot water

two tea bags

two pumps vanilla

steam milk to 145

stir

The show is on a Friday
It is opening night
The stars aren't out
They're covered by thick, angry clouds
Preparing to rain
I'm standing outside with the smokers
Watching the people mingle
/
I'm dressed up
In high heels and sheer tights
Dress and hair and eyes and skin
It will start soon
/
Slowly, I enter the building
Descending the sloping stairs to the front section
On my seat sits a single red rose
I pluck it off and bring it to my nose
Inhaling deeply
There is no note
/
My head is angled upward
To the red curtain
Waiting for the pit orchestra
To begin the first act

/
When it starts
I hold my breath
Kind of like jumping out of an airplane
Waiting for Edward to come on stage
This is an "alternative" style
Or
At least
That's what it says in the program
Hell if I know
/
The girls are wearing outfits
Not traditional to typical ballet
But their pointe shoes are still on full display
As they gracefully twirl and arch their backs
Reach the tips of their fingers up, up, up
Out
Curl
And down
/
I thumb through the program
My hands sweaty and nervous
Anxiety for Edward
I don't look to see which acts he's in

/
He comes in sooner than I expect
All fluid motions
His face contorted in pain
Matching the somber, discordant notes
Of two crying cellos
And then a girl dances on stage
Her eye makeup dark
Her clothing
Made up of torn black fabric
Hangs from her frame
Twisting and turning
In reaction to her movements
/
He's better than in his last show
The practice has paid off
I can see it in his muscles
And the way he throws himself into his leaps
Into the air like an
Explosion
I can see the audience
Enraptured
Their faces turned to the fantastic display
In the background

Rows and rows of lights roll down
Adding another dimension
To our already overloaded senses
/
The song moves to a crescendo
Higher and stronger and faster
And I see Edward's concentration now
But mostly
I see his passion
And how much he truly loves what he's doing
And how
At each and every moment
He feels everything
How alive he is
/
With one last leap
Edward pulls the other female lead inward
Like capturing something filled with wild, restless abandon
And making it his
/
More acts pass by
Then intermission
Then more
And by the end

The audience is on their feet
A thunderous applause
For a well-deserved production
Edward and the female lead step forward and bow
Followed only by the choreographer
/
And then the curtain falls
Quick and harsh
And the lights turn on
Quick and harsh
And everyone leaves
Talking and chatting
The magic left onstage
/
Edward is practically bursting when he finally makes it out
I grin and throw my arms around his shoulders
He kisses me passionately
Right in the middle of a group of people
(Something he never does
Not in public)
And runs his hands down my sides
/
"You did so well," I say
Because it's true

He is wonderful at what he does
He blushes and ducks his head into my shoulder
"Thank you for coming," he says and kisses me again
Gently this time
Thumbs running over my cheeks
"Wouldn't miss it," I smile
And we head back to my apartment
Alone for the night once more
/
He leaves early the next morning
He has to rehearse because tonight
There are scouts coming from New York
To watch the show
And maybe pick up some fresh, young talent
For their new productions
/
I'm working during the show
But Carlisle goes to watch
Edward is nervous as hell
And calls me right before
On a borrowed cell phone
I talk him down from a near panic state
Sitting in the back of the store room
Surrounded by coffee beans

/
After I close up for the night and go home
I find Edward sitting in the living room
Chatting with Alice and Brosper
Who are going to some frat thing
Again
/
"We were just leaving," she says
And pulls Brosper out the door
Before he can grab any more food from our fridge
/
"How did it go?" I ask with bated breath
He grins brilliantly
"They talked to me afterward. Said they just had to clear up some
things back in New York, but they were really interested in me"
"That's great, Edward," I say and hug him
He buries his nose in my neck
"I'd get paid for this, Bella. I'd finally get paid to dance. My life

will be perfect. Everything is going right for me. I'm doing things
right"
He looks so proud of himself
Like he's finally found the reason to live
Hey
Maybe he has

/
We don't make it off the couch
The rest of the night
/
Two days later
Edward comes back from rehearsal
Looking shell-shocked
It isn't until I manage to get it out of him
That he was offered a position in one of the top ballet companies
in New York
That he shows any other emotion
In fact
I think he cries a little bit
But he is holding onto me
Too tightly to tell
/
Late that night
When the moon is shining right through my window
And Edward trails his fingers along my bare spine
Things take a turn
/
"You'll come with me, right?" he asks
All nonchalant
His fingers still moving

Up and down and up and down
"To New York?"
He nods
Will I go with him to New York?
Can I go with him to New York?
"My life is here," I say
I feel his fingers falter
"But we can have a good life in New York," he says slowly,
uncomprehending
"But, Edward. I can't just pick up and move. I work here. I go to
school here. My family is here"
Edward's fingers pull away
Our faces are inches from each other
"You don't want to go?" he asks, sounding perplexed
"I can't go. My life is here"
I don't know what I'm saying
But it's true
What about Charlie?
Alice?
Rose?
Edward opens his mouth, then closes it
/
"But I can't go without you," he finally says
Sounding choked for air

Like it has all been vacuumed out of his lungs
And left him stale
/
"Dance is your life, Edward. You have to go"
"Bella, I'm not going without you. I love you"
His fist reaches his bare chest
And I see it in his eyes
He's not going to go without me
He won't do it without me
/
But he needs to do this
Dancing is his life
I'm not his life
Dancing is
/
It's not Edward and Bella
It's Edward and dance
And I can't get between it
/
"You have to, Edward. I don't love you" I lie
Edward stares at me
His lips parted
Distraught
And while I expect him to get up and leave

He doesn't

~*~

Chapter Eighteen

venti latte

three shots of espresso

steam milk to 145

He takes a deep breath and looks away
Apparently unable to meet my eye
I remember that he's naked
His body curled forward, hunched
Like something similar to a boulder
Is resting on his back
/
And then he speaks
"You don't love me?
I don't understand
I don't think, just act

I've always done that
I tried to focus on dancing
Dancing was supposed to be my rock
Dancing still is my rock
But everything I want
It leads me astray
Drugs
They took me astray
But I got back
Dancing brought me back
And now you
You bring me back
You keep me sane
I want you
I need you
I want dancing
I need dancing
How do I choose?
Who am I without dance?
Who am I without you?"
/
The words rush out of me
Like they're waiting on the tip of my tongue
"You're Edward. You're not dependent.

You're dance and you're wonder and you're life and you're
beautiful."
I watch him think
Brow furrowed
The hazy clouds of a Seattle sunrise
Hover above the horizon
/
"Does this mean you'll come with me?" he asks tentatively
I grip one of his hands in mine
They're warm, yet rough
And it occurs to me
That it's quite possible
That I'll never feel them again
/
"You have to do this on your own. I know you can"
/
He is quiet for a long time
I watch the rays of light slowly rise
My body cold
Like stale loneliness
/
After awhile, he stands
Gets dressed
Runs a hand through his hair

Smiles a sad smile
With sad eyes
/
When he leaves
I wonder if he's left for good
And I feel sort of hollow
Like whatever I've been filled with my whole existence
Has just been drained
And now I'm just a shell
Without the rolling, tumbling
Flux of life
/
Three days pass
Days where I feel like I can't breathe
Days where I feel like I can't think
Days where I feel like I've returned to whom I was before
Before I met him
Before he swallowed up my life
And I let him
Willingly
/
Rose notices that I've been down
But I can see that she doesn't know how to approach me about it
"Did someone die?" she asks one day

Like that is the most appropriate way to ask someone
Why they are feeling shitty
/
"No one's died," I answer
And while I want her to leave me alone
More than anything
She doesn't
/
"Is this because of Edward?" she asks "Did he leave you?"
"He's going to New York" I say
"I heard. What are you going to do? Go with him?"
She's more cautious now
I can see her trying to act like this is no big deal
When I can tell that she's dying of curiosity
"No. I'm staying here"
/
I try to smile
But it comes out wrong
/
"Did he ask you to go?"
And I can't understand why she's still talking
"Yes. But I can't go"
"Why not?"
I'm prepared to lie

I'm prepared to tell her that I love my life here
That I need to stay near my family
But I don't lie
And I think it's because I just had to tell someone
Anyone
The truth
"Dancing is the most important thing in his life. I just pull him
away from that"
Rose sighs
Like she was expecting this
Like she wants to say "I told you so"
Thankfully, she refrains
/
When he arrives at my door on day four
Wearing his nice clothes
And a clean-shaven face
I almost don't even recognize him
I notice a cab idling behind him
Waiting on the street corner
/
And I realize that he's going to do it
He's going to go
And I don't know if I'm extremely happy
Or extremely sad

All I know is that my chest feels heavy
And my feet feel like they're glued to the ground
/
"Come with me to the airport?" he asks
And I reluctantly agree
Because he has a way
Of ungluing me
And fraying me at the seams
/
The cab ride is completely silent
Edward stares straight ahead
I want to know what he's thinking
When he wrings his hands together in his lap
And purses his lips on occasion
/
We stand in front of the security line
Surrounded by people
All of whom seem displaced
Like they should be anywhere
But where they are
/
"I don't believe you, you know," he says
Finally
And I can feel the air return to my lungs

When I didn't even know it was missing
"About what?" I ask
And my voice, lip, soul is cracking
"You love me," he says
So fervently that it makes me dig my fingernails
Deep into the skin of my palms
/
But, I don't deny it
/
"You have to go," I say instead
"I know," he answers, his hand on my cheek
There is a boarding call for his flight
Over the intercom
"I want you to come," he whispers
Running fingers through my hair
"I can't," I reply
"I know," he agrees, but his eyes are downcast
And his lips are pulled together
"I want to be able to do this," he continues. "I want to be able to
do this for you. So that I can be good for you"
"You've always been good," I say
Because to me
He's always going to be perfect
/

He shakes his head
They call for final boarding
He kisses my forehead
And walks slowly toward security
Airport air is stale and dry
And tastes of broken relationships
I watch him walk away
And just before he turns the corner
He looks back
For the first time
/
Alice is home when I get back
Though Brosper isn't
We spend the night on the couch watching old movies
And eating microwave food
She doesn't ask what is wrong
I think she already knows
/
He calls me two days later
I recognize the area code to be New York
And I don't answer
/
He calls again three days later
And I don't answer

/
I wonder if he's scared
I wonder if he needs me
But even when he calls on the fourth day
I still don't answer
/
It's because I'm afraid
To hear his voice
And have him break my carefully crafted
Façade
Of being able to function
/
A week after his last call I receive a letter in the mail
I open it right away
Without even checking who it is from
The paper is wrinkled
Like it has been crumpled several times
Before being stuffed into the envelope
I smooth it out over the cold kitchen countertop
And read
/
Bella,
I miss you
This doesn't mean anything without you

Edward
/
I almost cry
Not because of how brief it is
Or how broken
But because the paper smells like him
And I read it
In the sound of his voice

~*~

Chapter Nineteen

grande iced raspberry latte

cold milk to ¾ full

two shots espresso

three pumps raspberry syrup

ice to fill the cup

stir

(congratulations. your drink looks like pepto bismol.)

February 25th, 2:53 AM
"Hi Bella
I know you're not responding to my calls

Or whatever
But it's really early in the morning here
And I was just watching the sunrise
Or whatever
And it's beautiful on this coast
Sort of a dark red, pink, orange
And they're all blending together like a painting
I just wanted to . . .
I mean, I just wanted to tell you
Because I thought of you when I saw it
Or whatever
That sounded stupid
But it's—"
/
February 25th, 3:05 AM
"I got cut off by the end of your message recording or something
I don't know when it ended but
I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you
And I'm trying to get your attention
Somehow
I love you
Edward"
/
Doesn't he know he has my attention?

Doesn't he know he has every part of me?
/
For some reason
The day after I receive Edward's message on my phone
It snows
In the middle of February
There are a good one or two feet
Somewhat of a rarity for Seattle
And it continues to fall through the night
I spend the next morning sitting on my porch
Watching the inches pile up
Slowly and surely
Like little pieces of clouds
Falling from the sky
And building
/
It melts the next day
Still
For six blissful hours
The weather brings everyone together
/
Well,
Not everyone
/

March 27th
Bella,
I haven't been calling as much as I used to
I know you didn't reply and all
But I still wanted to call to make sure you knew I was thinking
about you
I want to tell you so many things that are amazing and wonderful
And I want you right next to me when they all happen
But you're far away right now
And now that I've finally got this pen to this paper
It's like I can't think about anything that's happened here
I can only think about the fact that you're not with me
Where you should be
I love you,
Edward
/
Sometimes I don't want to open the letters
I want to let them wilt away in my fingers
Dissolve
Drop to the floor and seep through the spaces between the wood
panels
I wish more than anything for them to disappear
So that I won't have to read a single word
And realize

Once again
How much I miss him
/
I sit by the window in my bedroom
From inside, I can hear Alice and Jasper talking on the couch
Their voices a soft hum
Just barely audible beneath the sound of
Scattered raindrops
Haphazardly hitting the window
And running tears down the glass
I trail my finger across the condensation
Then use the side of my curled fist to make a small foot
Like I once did on the Elementary school busses
On the long ride home
I wonder what Edward would say
If he were here
I wonder what I would tell him
I wonder if there really is
Anything at all
To tell
/
April 2nd, 6:04 PM
"Hello
I'm just calling to say hello"

/
Alice is spending some time with me in late April
We're watching some Lifetime movie
Which is really unfortunate, when you think about it
I think some kid has cancer in it
Or maybe the man with the beard cheated on his wife
Or the sixteen-year-old could be pregnant
I don't really know
Or care
Because Alice interrupts it
About halfway through
By turning off the television
"You know, she says, "I should have told you to go out and move
on forever ago. I should have noticed that you were hurting. I
should have helped you find someone new. But now that I think
about it, that would have been a horrible thing to do. Because you
love him, don't you? There won't be anyone else, will there?"
There won't be anyone else
Will there?
/
March 1st, 12:01 PM
"Hi Bella
I've apparently hurt something in my ankle and I can't dance for
two weeks
I've been sitting around the house watching TV

And trying not to think of you
But then I just end up thinking about you more
I have a picture of you
I don't know if you knew that I had it
Alice gave it to me
It's from when you graduated high school
You look really young but
It's the only picture I could get
And it's still you
I can see it
When I look at your eyes
That you've always been there
And that you'll always be mine
I love you
Edward"
/
I check my shelf
Sure enough
The picture is gone
And in its place
Air
And a fine,
Choking
Layer of dust

/
That night
I see my cell phone light up several times
With Edward's number on the screen
Usually, he calls once and leaves a message
I wonder if it's urgent
I wonder if he really needs me
But I still don't answer
Because I don't know what to say
Or how to say it
/
The next morning
There are three missed calls
But no messages
Somewhere deep inside my cavernous chest
I wonder
If he's given finally, finally
Given up
/
There are no more words from him
For at least a month
Even though I check the mail every day
Religiously
Disgustingly

There is nothing
/
I go and see Charlie for the summer
And try to ignore the fact that I don't have everyday access to my

mail
My one and only lifeline
Charlie seems to notice that something is off
But being the dad
He tries to stay out of it
I figure he's scared of me
And all of my frightening girl hormones
And all that
/
I spend the last day of my summer in Forks
In a small bookstores downtown
("Downtown")
Casually, I peruse the young adult section
Only to find:
Book on vampires
Another book on vampires
Another book on vampires
Another book on vampires
Book on werewolves
Book on rich, promiscuous teenagers

And yet another book on vampires
I check my phone again
No new messages
I leave without buying anything
/
Alice greets me warmly when I return to Seattle
We half-heartedly sign up for a few more classes at SSCS
Charlie says I don't have ambition for my future
I say I don't have either
/
On the very last week of September
I receive a package in the mail
It is worn and a bit ripped at the edges
From traveling across the country
From hand to hand to hand
Anxiously, I rip apart the wrapping
To find a small shoebox inside
It contains a note
And plane ticket
One way
/
September 22nd
Bella,
I tried to give you space

But I don't think I can give you space
Because now I just want to give you everything
More than ever
Please come see my show in New York
I have everything taken care of
I will pick you up at the airport
I can understand if you don't want to see me
And even if you don't respond to this
I will still wait there for you
Until the last passenger leaves the plane
Yours,
Edward
/
Cautiously, I hold the plane ticket in one hand
And trace Edward's tilted, frenzied script in the other
I realize
Finally
That I need to see him
In the same way
That I need to breathe
/
Maybe I just have to trust
And jump

~*~

Chapter Twenty

tall caramel mocha

two pumps caramel

two pumps chocolate

milk to 145

single shot espresso

stir

no foam

The plane ticket is for three days after I receive the letter
I slide my fingers over it, nervous
Because
What will happen to me once I go?
Will I be lost in the city?
Will I be lost in Edward?
Will I be lost in myself?
/
Some part of me never expected Edward to keep writing
Some part of me expected him to find someone else
To find something else

To keep him preoccupied
That
It wasn't me that he needed
It was the idea of me
Of being dependent on another human being
Of having me always around him when he wanted me there
Of the support
But now I'm not so sure
Now, after these months
It feels different
/
He's still there
And I'm still here
And we're still hurting
/
I wake up to my alarm blaring
Two days before the plane is set to take off
It is cloudy and gray
The air so thick that it seems to cover me
Engulf me
Choke me
/
I take the bus to work
Surrounded by faceless people

With blankly staring eyes
/
Rose is already there when I arrive
Stepping out of her car as the bus drops me off
She waves
Her hand limp
When she sees me
I give her a half-hearted smile as we open up the cafe
Mechanically
Meticulously
Rose turns on the John Mayer
After all, it's nearly winter
And everyone knows that John Mayer is perfect for shitty
weather
/
A few customers trickle in
Most trying to seek refuge from the cold
I make a few drinks
And sweep a section of floor way more times than it needs to be
swept
Rose says she's going to go and restock the beans
But when I pass by the stock room
I hear her quiet giggle
And her scolding voice whisper, "Emmett"

/
Out front
I am surprised to find Carlisle
He sits in a booth in the corner
The one I've sat in before
With Edward
With Alice
He catches my eye and smiles
The kind of smile you don't expect to see
In a body so worn and drawn
He beckons me over with a small wave
/
I sit down across from him
The cold plastic hard and unforgiving beneath me
/
"Carlisle, I haven't seen you in forever," I say
And I smile
Because something about him makes me smile
It's not one of those things I can pinpoint
It's just an aura, really
A feeling
A presence
/
"And that, my dear, is exactly why I stopped by," he says

I offer him something to drink
He denies the offer
Instead, he leans forward almost conspiratorily
"I was wondering," he begins, "Do you happen to know if Edward

is still in New York? Is he doing well?"
I see the worry in his face now
And I wonder how many people have caused that worry
How many people he's lost
And never found
/
"He's still there and I think he's doing well"
I try to stay positive
Even though just thinking about him
Causes every bone in my body
To ache
"That's fantastic," Carlisle sighs
He visibly relaxes
Leaning back into the booth with his hands resting on his lap
/
"Are you taking care of any more boys?" I ask
Carlisle smiles
"Just a few here and there. Though Edward had to have been my
best and brightest. Definitely my most talented. But you knew
that about him, didn't you?"

I nod emphatically
Though I don't want this to be about Edward
Not right now, at least
I don't think I can bear it
So, instead
I ask the first thing that comes to mind
"Carlisle? Where are you from?"
/
Carlisle looks surprised at first
His eyes dart back and forth
Like he's searching for an escape
He pulls his cap down over his ears
So that only the small tufts of dirty blond hair peek out
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I say in a rush
Because I'm clearly making him uncomfortable
And I desperately don't want him to leave
/
I think
In the back of my mind
It's because he's one of my only connections
To Edward
/
"No, no. It's fine. I was just surprised, is all," he stammers
Then scratches his nose with a gloved fist

"I was actually born in Maine. I don't really remember much
about it, though, except that it was very cold"
Carlisle talks only briefly about his childhood
How his family was very warm and loving
How he went to school in a small town of hard workers
"I always wanted to leave that town. You know how small towns
are. Stifling if you don't want to be there. My big plan was to get
out. Everyone knew it. And then I did"
/
Carlisle looks off into the distance
His eyes glass over
Two small, shimmering pools
Misty with age
/
"I moved to Rhode Island. Providence, actually"
He takes a deep breath
"And I met her. Esme. She was beautiful. She took my heart and
carried it away. After that, I'd never have it back"
Carlisle's fingers tap an anxious rhythm on the table
I see a line start to grow behind the counter
But I ignore it
Eventually, Rose will stop having phone sex
And she'll take care of it
/
Carlisle drifts off for a few moments

Eyes roaming endlessly
Swallowed by his memories
"And then what happened?" I prompt
He seems surprised
Pulled ruthlessly back to reality
"I married her. We had two children: a boy and a girl. Two years
apart"
Carlisle smiles
Small and beautiful
And the love I have seen for Edward
Is there again
Only this time, for his true family
The one not present now
/
"We started a life in Rhode Island. It was perfect. I thought it was
perfect. But then, one day, she said she wanted to leave. She
wanted to start a new life-our whole family-in the West"
He rubs his temple
Clearly, he doesn't talk about this often
His words are awkward and painfully spoken
Like they are being forced through stitched lips
"And I couldn't go with her. My job was in Rhode Island. It paid
good money. I thought it was more important to support my
family than to love them. Can you believe it? But I wasn't happy.
Esme knew it. she tried to move us, to get us to start over. But I

wouldn't do it. So, she left. I didn't realize my mistake until it was
too late. I was too late and I gave up. I don't know what
happened. I don't know where she is. I don't know where my
children are. I was too ashamed to go after them. I couldn't face

myself, let alone them. I lost all contact with my family"
/
I grab his hands tightly in my own
I can feel his heartache through his fingers
/
"So now you help the boys?" I ask
"Now I help the boys," he sighs
I get Carlisle a drink
Even though he didn't ask for one
And sit with him until Angela comes in and gets mad at me
And there are customers lining up out the door
I offer Carlisle a place at my apartment tonight
Which he denies, as I expected him to
And that night we part with a long hug
And secret promises
/
Carlisle has helped so many
But none have helped him
/
I can't sleep the night before
I have packed my bags

And told Alice and Brosper goodbye
I have called Rose and wished her the best
And Charlie as well
I act like we're parting for a few days
When
In reality
I might never want to come back for good
/
The seconds pass slowly as I wait
Wait for the bus
Wait in line
Wait at the terminal
Wait on the plane
Wait for the doors to open
Wait to see him
Wait to feel right
Wait to be whole
Wait to find myself
For Edward
And for me

~*~

Chapter Twenty-One

grande iced caramel americano

fill cup with ice

three shots of espresso while stirring ice

two pumps caramel

stir

fill with cold water

~~~

i cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words,

which laid the foundation. it is too long ago. i was in the

middle before i knew that i had begun. -- Jane Austen

~~~

When I land at LaGuardia
It's raining
/
It's been four aching hours
Of tensed muscles
Eyes clenched shut as I try to sleep
And fail
My thoughts racing too far ahead
My mind out of control
Nothing is in control
/

The man next to me smells like cigarettes
He twirls his wedding ring
Around and around and around
I wonder what he's thinking about
I wonder who his family is
I wonder if he misses them
I wonder if they miss him back
Maybe his life is perfect
Yeah, sure, he may have his flaws
He may enjoy the occasional smoke, drink
He may look up some porn while his wife is out with her friends
But other than that
He is perfect
He has two kids and a dog
Maybe even a cat or a fish
He's coming back from an extended business trip
Maybe he's just landed a deal
And now he'll be able to take them all on that vacation
Like he's always wanted to
/
Or maybe not
For as the plane runs down the tarmac
He takes off his ring
And slips it in his pocket

/
Casually, people move from their seats
Rising slowly
Stretching their backs
Trying not to drop their carry-ons
On the heads of unsuspecting strangers
/
Part of me wants to stay in the airplane forever
The plane is safe
It is a state of limbo between
What I once knew
And what I can be
The plane doesn't ask me to make a choice
The plane doesn't ask me to face my decisions
The plane doesn't ask me to understand what I think, do, say
/
But another part of me wants to push everyone out of the way
And flee for the exit
Because this state of limbo
Hurts
Everything is uncertain
Like standing in the middle of a building
Shaking from the force of an earthquake
Flee or stay or flee or stay

They always tell you to stay put under a door frame
But me?
I think I'd run
/
We slowly shuffle out of the plane
And I can't tell if this is going to be the greatest day of my life
Or the worst
/
My heart pounds in my chest as I walk through the airport
I'm lost, really
I don't know where Edward is meeting me
I'm still behind security
All the faces look the same
Even in the frantic passengers
And the worried passengers
And the casual passengers
And the bored passengers
/
Airports hold a myriad of emotions
All across the spectrum, really
Though it's very, very difficult
To find happy
/
I can lie

And say that when I see him
Time stops
I can lie
And say that when I see him
I know that I am forever irrevocably in love with him
I can lie
And say that when I see him
My heart leaps in my chest
Pounding against my ribcage
/
But I won't lie
Even though I want all those things to be true
My emotions don't follow those carefully scripted lines
Of that romantic drama
That plays on repeat
Right after a marathon of Bad Girls Club
/
You didn't have me at "hello," Edward
You had me way before that
/
He doesn't see me at first
Though his eyes are trained on the crowd
Searching
He looks exactly the same as I remember

Though maybe his hair is a bit longer
And his shirt unrecognizable
New, I guess
I don't know how I feel about him having new things
Things that are foreign to me
Things that
I've missed
/
In his hands is a small bouquet of flowers
He clutches them tightly
His eyes darting back and forth more quickly now
From the crowd to the arrival screen
Hesitantly, I walk forward
/
He doesn't even see me until I'm practically right in front of his
face
Flustered, he almost drops the flowers
Blinks once, twice, three times
Then briskly walks toward me
Pushing past the other people awaiting their friends and family
/
I don't know what being reunited with someone is supposed to
feel like
Should I be drowning in overwhelming joy?

Should I fling myself at him and wrap my arms around his neck?
Should I cry tears of happiness and rainbows?
/
In my confusion, I don't do anything at all
Thankfully, Edward does it for me
His arms engulf me
And pull me toward him
With no sign of warning
Or indecision
Or hesitation
/
He knows what he wants
He always knows what he wants, I think
And even though he sometimes has trouble holding onto the
things he wants
I am still insanely jealous of him for it
/
The flowers are being squished between us
But I don't care
Because I am smelling and touching Edward
/
And I know I've made the right decision
Because, really, there was never any decision to make
It is him, I guess

It has always been him, I guess
And it will always be him, I guess
/
And even though they are all just guesses
These guesses are far more than anything
I've ever guessed before
/
"I didn't think you'd come," he says
His mouth right up against my ear
I still feel every part of him
And it is so intimate
Right there in the middle of the airport
With the eyes and the voices and the movement
/
"I couldn't not come," I say
Because it's true
I was worried, before
I was worried he didn't love me
That I wasn't as important to him as he was to me
But now that I'm here with him
And he's right in front of me
Looking at me in that way that he does
I can't believe
I ever doubted him

/
He pulls back slightly and smiles
His soft, bashful one
At our feet
Before looking up at me again
His face somber
"I wanted to apologize," he says
"Because before
I thought what I was doing was the most important thing
Like, without dance I would be nothing
But I realized that it really doesn't matter what I'm doing
Does it?
As long as I'm with you, I could be doing anything
And I would be happy"
/
I don't know where he gets those words like that
Because I'm not nearly as eloquent
So all I say is,
"I love you"
/
He says it back in his smile
/
"Dance with me?" he asks
And in the middle of the airport

To our own music
We dance

~*~

Chapter Twenty-Two

tall raspberry mocha

two pumps chocolate

two pumps raspberry

single shot espresso

milk to 145

stir

Edward has an apartment
It's small
Really small, actually
Smaller than anything I've lived in before
But I don't tell him that
Because I don't want to be rude
He seems so proud of it, too
Showing me around
Though it should only take about five minutes
To cover the space

He goes through everything
Draws it out
Tells me about how the fridge only sometimes works
And how
In the middle of the night
If you listen hard enough
You can hear the prostitutes talking quietly across the street
/
He has a mattress on the floor
That he looks embarrassed by
"I meant to buy a frame," he says
His hand cupping the back of his neck
His cheeks blushing lightly
"I meant to buy it before you got here but I didn't have time"
There are three blankets thrown haphazardly across it
He walks over and tries to straighten them
But it's a lost cause
/
"It's great," I say
And he looks so proud
Pushing his chest up
With a quiet smile
/
I tell myself that

Just for this night
I won't think about anything
Not the future
Not the past
I will stay in the present
With Edward
On a worse for wear couch
Staring at the spot
Where there should be a television
But isn't
/
"I'm glad you're here," he offers, cradling my chin in his hands
"I'm glad I'm here, too"
He kisses me lightly at first
Like he's afraid
Like it's his first kiss ever
And he fears that with any misstep
I'll pull away
And tell him that he's doing it wrong
But he isn't doing it wrong
Of course
My fingers wrap around his neck and pull him closer
Which is all the encouragement that he needs
We don't make it to the bed

Which is okay
Because it's not much of a bed anyway
Really
/
He's up early the next morning
For rehearsal, or something
But I sleep through it
And don't wake until early afternoon
When he's already back
With a sack of bagels and two cups of black coffee
/
"Hey," he says
And kisses my cheek
Over his shoulder is the same bag he's always had
One constant in everything else that has changed so drastically
And even though it is worn and dirty and desperate to be
replaced
I can't help but feel grateful that he's kept it
To give me something to hold onto
/
We pick apart our bagels and drink the coffee
The kind I used to make
And vow to never make again
/

While Edward showers I call Charlie
He doesn't seems surprised that I've made it to New York
In a way, I think he's relieved
I think we were both worried that I'd never go anywhere
Or do anything
He urges me to stay for as long as I need
But to come back and visit, of course
Once I become famous via osmosis of the New York aura
I don't tell him that the aura is just
The shouts of angry, rushed people
And pollution
/
For the first week
I can tell that Edward is still a little bit afraid
A little bit wary
On Wednesday
He comes home about an hour and a half late
I'm sitting at the kitchen counter
Reading the newspaper
I hear him open the door
But don't turn around
He rushes up behind me
His breathing heavy
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he says

His hands moving forward to touch me, then retreating
"For what?" I ask, confused
"We had to stay late, I'm sorry," he says, continuing to apologize
"That's fine. There's nothing to be sorry for"
Bewildered, I touch his cheek
The corners of his eyes are turned down in worry
"I didn't want you to be here alone. I didn't want to stay there"
"It's fine. It's fine," I repeat
He opens his mouth, hesitates, then closes it
"What?" I ask
"I'm afraid you'll leave," he confesses. "I feel like I can't hold onto

you"
Even though it's sad, I smile because he's so wrong
"You couldn't get rid of me if you tried"
/
Around two months after my arrival
Edward receives a call from an unknown number
Which turns out to be a pay phone from the heart of Seattle
"Carlisle?" he asks, shocked
My eyes dart up from the book in my hands
I set it down and walk over to Edward
Who puts his phone on speaker
"I think I found my daughter," Carlisle cries
/

At first, I think Carlisle is delusional
After all, he hasn't seen her since before she even hit puberty
How would he ever recognize her?
Yet, as he continues to speak, even I believe it
I believe he's finally found her
On accident, really
As he happened to be passing by her apartment
On his way to meeting one of his boys
/
He's too afraid to go to her
He doesn't want her to see him like this
All broken
He calls himself a failure, repeatedly
A mixture of pride and regret
As his daughter has succeeded in life
Without him
/
Carlisle gives us her address
The moment Edward asks
After all, he is willing to do anything for Edward
Even 2,500 miles away
/
I call her the next day
While Edward is at rehearsal

I sit on the ledge of our one small window
Leaning out over the fire escape
The city beneath me
She answers after the third ring
And while I shouldn't be nervous
I am
My heart thundering in my chest
My head whirling
/
"Hello?"
The beginning is innocuous at best
Yet, as I begin to explain to her
Who I am, why I'm calling
I can tell that she is closer and closer
To cutting me off
"Who exactly are you again?" she asks
Sounding annoyed
Which is understandable
Given that I'm calling about her
Long-lost homeless father who happened to see and recognize
her while standing on the street outside of her apartment
She doesn't believe me
She still doesn't believe me
She still doesn't believe me

Until I say
"Was your father's name Carlisle?"
There is a long, drawn-out pause
"My birth father. I haven't seen him since I was very young"
She agrees to meet with him
If only briefly
At the coffee shop I used to work at
/
Getting back in touch with Carlisle is difficult
But after calling several of the homeless shelters in Seattle
I manage to find him
When I tell him that she's willing to meet him the next day
He cries
/
Carlisle's daughter calls me fifteen minutes before their
scheduled meeting
"I didn't know who else to call," she says, "But I'm nervous"
Edward looks at me curiously
Wondering who I'm talking to
His brow furrows
"I know him personally. He's a wonderful man"
I don't know how else to convince her
She has no reason to trust me
But she does

I hear her take several deep breaths
"Okay," she says, and hangs up the phone
/
I don't receive a call from either of them afterward
And begin to get worried
Edward rubs my back
Up and down and up and down
As we wait by the phone
For either of them to call
"What if something went wrong? What if she hates him? What if
she's the wrong girl?"
"No one can hate Carlisle," Edward says softly
And I see just how much
Carlisle's life has affected his
For the better
/
When Carlisle calls a few hours later
Happier than I have ever heard him
I think I feel whole
/
Two weeks later
Edward slides into bed after me
His dress rehearsal having run late
He groans when I rub his back

Kneading the taut muscles
"Bella, I was thinking," he says in an almost whisper. "Do you
think, maybe, we could try and get in contact with my parents?
Or, maybe you can. I don't think . . . I don't think I'd know what to

say."
I pause for a moment
A siren screams in the distance
"I think that's a great idea," I reply
/
Finding Edward's family is harder
They have moved several times since he last saw them
Without leaving a clear record
It takes me a little over a week
But I do manage to track them down
In a house eerily close to my own father's
Just outside of Forks, Washington
/
I sit with him as he calls them
I sit with him as he worries
I sit with him as he apologizes
I sit with him as he finally smiles, weak with relief
As he tells them about dance
As he tells them about Carlisle
As he tells them about me

/
I find an organization
That already works with reuniting people with their families
They're a nonprofit
And accept me readily when I apply
It's much more legal and technical than what I had done with
Carlisle and Edward
Sometimes people don't want to be found
Sometimes they do
And when I finally match them
And when they finally meet again

It's like that day I saw Edward in the airport after so long apart
That feeling, replicated a thousand times
/
And I think that maybe I've found my dance
The one thing that I can do constantly and never tire of
But, let's be real
There are the days that I don't want to go in
The frustrating days
The days I really don't feel like doing it
But, overall
I enjoy it
And maybe that's the most I can ask for
The most anyone can ask for

/
After all, maybe that's life
Getting the pieces to fall into place
And even though you technically can't fight gravity
You have to have the will
And the passion
And the strength
To at least try

~*~

The End