Fanfiction based on Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Series

Rated M for Mature

Just Not Now

By LadyAkako

~*~

Prologue

Bella.


“I‟m going to miss you so much,” I sighed against his mouth as he pulled me closer to him. He
hummed in response and planted several searing kisses on my naked shoulder before pulling the
blanket over both of us. I snuggled even closer to him even though I wasn‟t cold.

“You don‟t have to miss me, you know,” his soft murmur was almost lost to me as he buried his
face in my hair. I pulled away from him with a bemused smile.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You could always marry me and come along as my dutiful, but loving wife,” he joked and
despite his teasing tone, I involuntarily stiffened in his arms. He seemed to realize immediately
what it was that made me react that way.

“Edward –” I started, wanting to diffuse the situation, but he beat me to it.

“I‟m sorry, it slipped out,” he said quickly and shifted me in his arms so he could look at me.

“No, don‟t apologize. It‟s fine,” I insisted, but I didn‟t miss the shadow that rested on his
countenance now. An uncomfortable silence settled between us and after a moment, Edward
sighed and sat up, leaving our embrace. I watched wordlessly as he ran a frustrated hand through
his already mussed hair.

“I just don‟t understand why it isn‟t even an option for you,” he confessed, not looking me. My
heart twisted painfully in my chest and I swallowed many possible answers that sprang to mind.

“Edward, it‟s not that I don‟t want all those things with you, I do,” I started, half-expecting him
to interrupt me. “Just not now,” I added diminutively.

He was frozen where he was, refusing to look at me. I stared at him as the muscles in his back
tensed and un-tensed in rhythm with his breathing. I sighed softly to myself and threw my legs
over the side of the bed.

“I should go,” I murmured regretfully. When he didn‟t respond, I took it as an affirmation. I
gently picked up my clothes off the floor and tugged them on. When I had my things gathered, I
walked over to his side of the bed, leaning down to kiss him gently. He responded with a small
smile against my lips before pulling away and studying me with inexplicably sad eyes. I sank
into the bed to sit beside him.

“I‟ll miss you too, you know,” he said softly and a lump rose in my throat. “More than you
know, which makes this hard.”

It was the almost undetectable shift in the tone of his voice that told me that we were no longer
talking about his internship and I tensed on the bed next to him.

“Bella…I never knew I could even think this, but we should end this now,” he said after a small
hesitation. He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging harshly at the tips. I caught my breath
sharply as I watched him and felt myself rock unsteadily from the sudden pain shooting through
me. “We should just forget it. It will only fall apart later if we keep going on like this.”

“Going on like this?” I asked breathlessly, disbelievingly.

“Bella, I love you and I want to marry you. But every time the subject so much as comes up, you
freak out and it kills me inside that you don‟t want that for us. Because even if you say you want
it someday, you don‟t want it now and who knows if that someday will ever come. I think…” he
sighed and paused before picking up again. “I think that maybe this is our chance for a clean
break from each other. You will be better off without me constantly pressuring you about
marriage, because as long as we‟re together, no matter how far apart we are, I will want to make
you my wife, Bella. I can‟t pretend that I don‟t want that for us. So maybe it‟s best for both of us
if we just forget this whole mess we‟ve made of our relationship and start over without each
other.”

My stomach lurched at the pain in his voice and this time, it was me who couldn‟t meet his eyes.
I was absolutely speechless. He had never said anything like this before. I didn‟t know he was
capable of ripping me apart so firmly and decidedly.

“Edward,” I pleaded softly, incapable of thinking of any other word in the world. His name was
the only thing in my mind at that moment. Surely, if I had been in a better frame of mind I would
have argued that I didn‟t want to forget about him and that my qualms about marriage weren‟t
even necessarily tied to him, but to my parents…but none of those arguments fell from my lips,
only his name. “Edward.”

His hand ducked gently under my chin, raising my face up, so I was forced to meet his endless
eyes. He didn‟t say anything; he simply kissed me softly at first and I felt the goodbye that was
implicit in his lips. It wasn‟t until I threw myself into the kiss fiercely that he returned it with the
same level of emotion. It was the only argument for us to stay together that I had in my arsenal at
the moment and he seemed more than willing to let me argue it. His fingers slid under the hem of
the shirt I had just put back on and I encouraged him foolhardily in every way I could, climbing
closer to him and molding my body to his firmly.

I clung to him until he pressed me back against his bed. I knew it wasn‟t fair to ourselves to be
doing this now; we were only avoiding the problem. But that didn‟t stop either of us from
desperately trying to take in every inch of the other before morning came. If our love making
earlier in the night had been goodbye, then this was surely acknowledgement of the fact that we

knew we may never be in such a moment as this again with each other.

Thoughts flashed inside of me as our lips and bodies crashed together that night. Once, the
thought occurred to me that I must love him more than I even knew if I could allow him to tear
me apart so very thoroughly.

--

When I awoke in his bed the next morning, he was gone. A cold feeling was weaving its way
into my body, despite the blanket that was wrapped around me. I shivered and buried my face in
the pillow as thoughts of the night before hit me like a ton of bricks. My stomach twisted cruelly
and I felt the tears that never came last night flood my eyes.

It wasn‟t until I crawled out of bed that I saw the note he‟d left for me sitting on the nightstand.
The sight of my name scrawled so beautifully in his elegant handwriting – something I‟d always
envied him – set something off in me. I felt the ridiculous, rebellious need to tear the note to
shreds but instead I took a deep breath and left it where it was. It was probably full of carefully
thought out explanations of every reason he‟d could dream of to explain away breaking it off
now instead of later, but I knew the moment I saw it I didn‟t have the strength to read it. Besides,
I had to get out of here before Emmett, Edward‟s older brother and roommate, made it back from
the airport or I‟d risk going through a lot more pain than that stupid note would cause. I was
supposed to take Edward to the airport this morning and Emmett would be wondering what in
the hell could have possibly happened to not only change our plans of having the romantic
goodbye in the middle of an airport, but also him sleeping in on his only Saturday off for the last
month.

I preferred to skip that discussion and just escape now. I needed to be alone with my thoughts or
I would never be able to quiet my raging head again.

When I got home, I went straight to my bedroom and locked myself in my room for the next two
days. I was grateful it was the weekend or I would have never survived. My poor roommate,
Alice, must have thought Edward died on the way to the airport instead of doing something as
insignificant as break up with me, the woman he‟d been dating for the past year. I certainly acted
like he had died and maybe…maybe it was better that way because even though I deflected him
every time marriage had come up, I was more than attached to the idea of one day becoming
Mrs. Cullen. I had been truthful when I said I wanted all of that, just not at this moment. Not
now. So maybe, if I pretended he was gone forever then I could forget all about his endless green
eyes and his elegant handwriting and his endless persistence about the topic of us getting
married. And if I could forget about all those little details that made me love him so fiercely, then
surely I could forget about him, just like he apparently wanted me to, right?

1.

Bella.

Two years later.

--

I heard the door slam dully in the distance and from where I lay curled up on the couch, I sniffed
back a round of tears. I grabbed the tissue box from the table and blew my nose as decisively as I
could. I was determined not to cry anymore over yet another failed relationship. Besides, I had to
clean myself up before Alice got home or there would be hell to pay.

I hadn‟t forgotten the diatribe about relationships I had gotten the last time this had happened. I
winced in remembrance of the speech and shook myself as I rose up from the couch where I had
collapsed a few minutes earlier. No, this time I wouldn‟t leave it to Alice to pick up the pieces. It
just wasn‟t fair; I was going to have to learn to pick myself up alone.

I hurried to freshen up my make-up, knowing that was going to be my main selling point when
she got home, and changed clothes. I was hoping she would be distracted enough by the dinner
we had planned tonight that she wouldn‟t really notice if I frowned more than I smiled tonight.
She might, however, notice the absence of my most recent ex-boyfriend at said dinner, but I
would deal with that hurdle when it came. Because who knows? Maybe she‟d be so lost in Jasper
she wouldn‟t register the empty seat next to me at the dinner table. Doubtful, but a girl could
hope.

I heard Alice‟s heels click against the wooden floors the moment she stepped into the apartment
and froze where I was. I gave myself a cursory look in the mirror – decent enough – and
launched myself into the living room with a fake smile plastered on my face.

“What happened?” she asked concernedly the moment she saw me. She dropped the shopping
bad she had been holding onto and I sighed at how easily she foiled even my best attempts at
disguise.

“Jacob broke up with me today,” I informed her. Defeated, I threw myself right back onto the
couch where I had been before I tried to clean up.

“Why?” Alice questioned slowly. She sat down beside me, pulling my head into her lap so she
could run her fingers through my hair soothingly. I looked up at her blearily and twitched my
nose, trying to rid it of the tickling threat of tears.

“Well, his exact words were that he „was tired of competing with a ghost for my attention‟.” I did

my best to deadpan the explanation, but my delivery was just as miserable as I felt. I looked
away from Alice‟s thoughtful expression and instead focused my gaze on the half-empty coffee
cup that was currently leaving a ring on our coffee table.

“Bella,” Alice finally sighed and paused her fiddling with my hair. “You‟re not going to like this
– but I think Jacob had a point.”

“What?” I cried and sat up abruptly. Wasn‟t she supposed to be on my side?

“Now, hear me out,” she soothed me hastily. “I‟ve given you speech after speech about jumping
into relationship head first in the past year and a half, but it never seems to get through to you
and maybe that‟s why.”

I stared at her in bewildered silence.

“Bella, these days you rush into any relationship that will keep you distracted long enough to
make it worth it and I think we both know what you‟re running away from,” Alice said and then
cleared her throat as I looked away pointedly.

“I‟m over him,” I assured her tersely.

“Bull,” Alice countered readily, as if she had been anticipating my response. “Sometimes I think
you‟re more in love with Edward now than you were two years ago when he left. You‟re not
over him and you will never get over him until you admit that to yourself and stop trying to
avoid it by getting involved in emotionally absent relationships.”

“Alice,” I stopped her quietly. “I spent five months putting myself back together after he left. I
think it‟s safe to say I‟m over it.”

She pursed her lips at my words, obviously biting back her own.

“Whatever makes you sleep at night, Bella,” she said finally and conceded the argument. I let it
pass that it was common knowledge to both of us that I rarely did sleep through the night.
“Now,” she changed the subject with a clap of her hands. “Can you please go change for
dinner?”

“What‟s wrong with what I‟m wearing?” I asked exasperatedly as I looked down to my jeans and
t-shirt. It looked nice enough for a casual night out to me.

“Bella,” Alice warned and I rolled my eyes at her. She was absolutely ridiculous sometimes.

“Fine. What would you like me to wear?” I replied sarcastically.

Alice didn‟t answer. She merely dragged me officiously to my room and started grabbing the
clothing I would be wearing that night.

Once she was satisfied, we left for the restaurant we were meeting our friends at. I tried not to
think about being the odd one out at dinner once again, but it was hard not to when I knew I was
going to be with two couples who were always absorbed in each other.

Alice had started dating Jasper a few months ago after meeting him through Emmett. They had
yet to move out of their puppy-love phase and it was a bit sickening to see how completely
devoted they were to each other, but also hard not to be happy for them.

It was both easier and harder to be around Emmett and his longtime girlfriend, Rosalie. Emmett
and I had just recently rekindled our friendship after over a year of carefully avoiding each other.
I was glad when he had finally made the move to open the lines of communication again because
I missed the big brother presence he provided in my life. It didn‟t hurt that occasionally he
slipped in small bits of information about Edward‟s life as if he knew they were like a life
preserver to me.

His girlfriend, Rosalie, was a bit of a mystery to me. But she was likeable enough when she
made the effort. If I was honest with myself, she clicked much better with Alice than she ever did
with me and I was okay with that.

We pulled up to the restaurant and unsurprisingly Jasper was already there waiting for us, and
Emmett and Rosalie were nowhere in sight. Jasper stood up hastily upon seeing us and grinned
in greeting towards me before tipping his face down to kiss Alice sweetly. The waiter who had
led us to the table pulled out my chair for me while Jasper got Alice‟s. I nodded my thanks to
him as wordlessly put the menu in front of me.

I pretended to bury myself in the variety of the different meals even though I could probably
recite it word for word. This was one of frequent spots and I always ordered the same thing
anyway. Alice and Jasper whispered quietly together, no doubt catching each other up on their
days, while I pretended to care about the menu.

After letting myself look at it for a ridiculous amount of time, Jasper asked a question that caught
me off guard.

“Bella, could Jake not make it tonight?” he asked. I could see the exact moment when Alice
kicked him underneath the table. Obviously she had not gotten to share that little detail with him
yet. I winced along with Jasper, even though I wasn‟t in the kind of pain a stiletto heel to the shin
could cause.

“We broke up earlier today actually,” I informed him as evenly as he could. I took a hasty sip of
water and made a mental note to order something with a high alcoholic content the next time the
waiter stopped by our table.

Jasper, for his part, did his best to look apologetic for asking. I probably felt sorrier for him than
he did me though. All my friends had made it pretty clear that they were tired of the constant
cycle of boyfriends I had been going through lately. And I had to admit, I was definitely
beginning to see their side of the argument. That didn‟t mean I agreed with Alice about the

reasoning behind my failed relationships, but I would at least shelve the idea for further
consideration.

I was just ordering a glass of red wine when Emmett strolled up with Rosalie on his arm.

“Hey, guys,” Jasper greeted them cordially. Alice and I added in our greetings as well.

Emmett immediately launched into talk about the football game that was on last night and I
tuned him out, preferring instead to listen to Alice detail the new line she was helping to design
at work.

It wasn‟t long, however, before Emmett stumbled onto the topic of the empty seat beside him. I
explained calmly that Jacob would no longer be joining us and Emmett leaned back in his seat
with a contemplative look on his face.

“Well, can‟t say I‟m too broken up about that one,” he confessed. I flicked my eyes in
annoyance. Yes, Emmett had made it fairly clear he didn‟t like my most recent choice of
companion when he had practically threatened to throttle him the first day they had met. The
circumstances leading up to that threat were still a mystery to me, but I no longer had a reason to
care about them anyway.

“Emmett, you could at least pretend to be sensitive,” Rosalie reminded him coolly. I shot her an
appreciative glance but shrugged for Emmett‟s benefit.

“She‟s fine. Look at her, she‟s hardly even upset about it,” Emmett justified himself rather
comically. He waved his hands dramatically, trying to emphasize his point. Jasper snickered at
him and the rest of us soon joined in. “Anyway,” Emmett grumbled in a tone so low I almost
didn‟t hear him. “It‟s better this way.”

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

Emmett froze as if he had been caught with his hand poised over the cookie jar.

“Huh?” His face was the picture of innocence. Obviously, I realized with narrowed eyes, I
wasn‟t supposed to hear that last little bit.

“You said, „it‟s better this way‟. What did you mean?” I said slowly, sounding out each syllable
carefully. Emmett squirmed nervously in his seat when he realized the entire table‟s attention
was no longer focused on laughing at him but studying him.

“I just…thought – um – well,” Emmett stuttered and his face flushed. He rubbed a hand at the
base of his neck, obviously trying to calm his nerves.

“Emmett Cullen,” Rosalie interjected suddenly, her tone stern. “You better not be thinking what
I think you are.”

“Rosie, please,” Emmett begged suddenly, ignoring the rest of us. Obviously, he was thinking
exactly what she thought he was and I was dying to know. It was about me after all.

“Do tell,” Alice piped up. She leaned forward on her elbows, alternating between staring intently
at Emmett and throwing me the occasional questioning look. I was glad she was just as confused
as I was.

“Well?” Rosalie‟s eyebrow quirked visibly. “Are you going to tell her or should I?”

Emmett sighed and shrank in his seat, cowed under Rosalie‟s glare. He tugged on the ends of his
curly hair and I almost cracked a smile at the gesture. It reminded me painfully of a similar habit
his younger brother had.

Rosalie continued to glare questioningly at him until at last he cracked.

“Fine!” he all but yelled. He straightened up in his chair and crossed his arms defensively against
his chest. Then he said something so quickly and lowly that all we heard above the hum of the
other patrons around us was a soft mumble.

“Care repeating that?” I asked.

“He said, „Edward‟s coming home‟,” Rosalie translated impatiently.

2.

Edward.

I should have just caught a cab, I thought irritably to myself. This is ridiculous.

Emmett had sworn up and down that he‟d be here on time and now, an hour after my plane had
touched down there, was no sign of my brother. Typical. He was probably still lazing around in
his bed with Rosalie. He didn‟t even have the courtesy to answer his phone.

Just as I was about to really hail a cab, Emmett‟s jeep rounded the corner at breakneck speed.
Almost the second he lurched into park, he threw open his door and came over to where I stood
on the curb.

“Hey, little brother,” he greeted me with a grin. I glared back.

“You‟re late,” I pointed out.

“Got distracted,” he explained with a shrug.

I lifted one of my suitcases into his trunk with a shake of my head and he grabbed the other one
easily. Shouldering my third bag which had my laptop stored snugly inside, I climbed into his
jeep.

“So, have you found anything out about that apartment yet?” Emmett asked.

“They haven‟t called back yet,” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, frustrated. I was not
happy about being sequestered back into the apartment I had once shared with my brother. It
wasn‟t that I minded living with him – he was a great roommate when he wasn‟t eating
everything – it was that I knew the entire place would be filled with memories of the one person
I had spent the last two years banishing from my mind.

As if he could tell where my train of thoughts was headed, Emmett commented quietly, “She was
pretty upset when she found out.”
I tensed in my seat and clenched my jaw against the more profane phrases that rushed to mind.

“How did she find out?” I asked, doing my best to control my voice. Emmett was the only one I
had told I was coming back for a reason.

“It slipped,” Emmett confessed. “You shouldn‟t have told me not to tell her anyway. Bella
deserves to know you‟re back.”

I looked over in surprise to see my brother gripping the wheel tightly. My shoulders slumped
against the seat and I threw my head back against the back of it.

“I know she does,” I admitted. “I just wanted to postpone the inevitable a little while longer.”

“You knew the moment you accepted the job here you would have to face her, Edward,” Emmett
chastised me. I felt as if I were a small boy under my father‟s scrutiny instead of a grown man
talking to his brother.

I ran a hand through my hair, tugging at it in frustration. Instead of replying, I stared out the
window, watching the lights of the city pass by us in a blur. Emmett gave up on his lecture after
that and turned up the radio to drown out the tense silence.

The skyscrapers soon started to fade into apartments and suburbia and Emmett pulled into the
familiar parking lot of the apartments he lived in not too long after. He grabbed my bags for me
without comment and I smiled gratefully at him, hoping that it was enough to convey to him that
I wasn‟t that upset with him. It seemed to work.

“It‟s pretty much how you left it,” Emmett told me as soon as we walked in the door. He set my
suitcases in the foyer and plopped down on the couch, flicking on a football game. That was his
way of saying he was still a little ticked at me. I nodded to myself in acceptance. After all, I
deserved it and then made the dreaded trek to my room.

The moment I walked into my old room, I knew I was screwed. Completely and totally screwed.
It wasn‟t „pretty much‟ how I had left it; it was almost exactly how I had left it, minus some new
sheets on the bed and a box in the corner. I had been hoping that something somehow would be
different, but I was completely disappointed. Irrationally, I felt a small bout of anger towards the
few friends I know had crashed here with Emmett in the last two years. Couldn‟t they have at
least moved the dresser around or something?

I put my laptop down on the bed and sat down next to it with a sigh. I fell back on the bed and
shook my head in disbelief. What was I doing here? I was a complete idiot for taking this job. I
had something good going for me in Chicago but still, I jumped at the chance to come home.
And what for? To be tortured by memories of Bella Swan, the girl that had turned my world on
its ear and then had proceeded to crush it in one fell swoop.

--

She had looked absolutely beautiful the day I had first seen her. Silky brown hair pulled into a
tight ponytail and dressed in a dark blue dress, Bella caught my eye almost the moment I walked
into the office of The Herald that day. She had been waiting quietly in a chair in the front office
when I walked in.

Her huge brown eyes had met mine momentarily as I strode in the door, but she had looked away
just as quickly. I, however, continued to gawk at her for at least another minute longer before the
secretary’s nasally voice called me to attention. As the girl led me to my interviewer’s office, my
mind was far from where it should have been.

It turned out I was so distracted by the sight of Bella sitting in the front office that I bombed my
interview there that day. I was even more disappointed when I emerged from the interview to
find that she had disappeared without a trace. It didn’t matter in the long run about the job; I got
another offer across the city at The Times. What mattered was that I was completely taken in by
a total stranger and I had no idea how to get in touch with her because I didn’t even know her
name.

I called The Herald’s office the next day asking after her, but the secretary was frustratingly
unhelpful. I resigned myself to the certainty of never seeing the beautiful woman again and I had
all but forgotten about her until about two weeks later when she suddenly crossed my path again.

I had promised to go out on an assignment with a friend, Ben Crowley, when his girlfriend had
bailed on the evening’s plans. Ben was the food critic at The Times, the paper I was now
working at, and while we weren’t best buds or anything, he was a pretty amiable guy. Besides, I
figured if I agreed to be dragged to a new restaurant, which had the possibility to be disastrous,
then I had the right to drag him along with me on one of my assignments.

You would think that there wouldn’t be too many bad assignments where I was concerned, but as
I had just been learning at that point in my career, being a young music critic was as dangerous
to your ears as being a food critic was for your stomach.

Ben and I went to a small, hole-in-the-wall looking Italian place that night that was complete
with clippings of Italian newspapers glued to the walls and bricks peeking out artistically in
between them. It was nice and just the sort of off-beat restaurant Ben seemed to like to feature in
his column that featured the more underground eating joints around the city.

Ben and I were half-way through our meal when she came out to speak to him. I didn’t see her
until she was standing right above our table, looking beautiful and nervous all at the same time.
I was mid-bite when Ben cleared his throat and stood up to shake her hand. I swallowed quickly
and followed suit.

“Bella Swan,” she introduced herself. Her voice had a wonderfully musical quality about it and I
stared at her in wonder as I made the connection between her voice and the beautiful woman I
had seen at The Herald’s office weeks ago. She seemed to be traveling along the same brain
frequency as me even then.

“I’ve seen you before,” she said, her eyes narrowing in observation. A small thrill went through
me when she kept hold of my hand long after she had stopped shaking it.

I nodded then added, “We ran into each other at The Herald, I believe.”

Internally, I congratulated myself for sounding casual. A flicker of recognition passed on her
face and I felt a loss of heat as she let go of my hand. For the next several minutes, Ben fell into
deep conversation with her about the restaurant which as I understood from the few snippets I
could concentrate on, belonged to her mother. Bella served as head chef at the Italian restaurant
while her mother ran the business part, or so she had said then. I found out later down the line
that Bella did most of the behind-the-scenes work for her mother because her mother was a
flighty head case.

I didn’t get the chance to talk to her further that night, but I returned to the restaurant, sans Ben,
the next night in hopes of catching her alone. She had seemed confused when I had gestured her
over to my table with a crooked finger after I had had one of the young waitresses fetch her from
the back. She slid in the booth across from me and I didn’t miss the appreciative sweep her eyes
did as she took in the dark oxford shirt I had taken care in choosing for tonight.

“Can I help you with something? Did your friend need something else for his review?” She
sounded nervous again. It was adorable and only heightened the attraction I felt towards her as
a soft blush tinted her cheeks. I tried to keep from staring at her mouth as she began to bite on
her lip.

“It’s nothing about the paper,” I assured her. “Actually, I was wondering if you’d be interested
in having dinner with me sometime.”

“E-excuse me?” she squeaked.

--

“Stop,” I ordered to myself softly, pinching the bridge of my nose. Remembering why I fell in
love with Bella was not going to help the situation. I opened my eyes to take another look around
the room and sighed heavily. I rose up from the bed and went out to the living room to go get my
other two bags.

I still had a few boxes that were being shipped here, but for the most part everything I owned
was in those two bags. I pulled out a few CDs and placed them on the lonely looking shelves that
used to be home to hundreds of CDs when I had lived here. Taking out my laptop, I popped in
one of the CDs and turned it up so I wouldn‟t be alone with my thoughts anymore. It had already
been proven how dangerous that road could be.

After I‟d unpacked most of my things, I headed back down the stairs to join Emmett watching
the game. He didn‟t say anything to me for a long time, doing his best to give me the silent
treatment. Finally, as the game ended and he flicked through the channels to find another to
watch, he spoke.

“Have you thought about what you‟re going to tell her?” he asked. I dug my fingers into the
couch to keep myself from trying to throttle him. He really had no sensitivity towards subjects
I‟d rather avoid.

“Not really,” I answered tersely.

“You do know that you have to see her again, right?” Emmett asked, his eyes calculating as they
slid over to me. He was very obviously working out in his mind all the very physical ways he
was going to force me to go to Bella if I refused. Sometimes, I really believed I got the short end
of the stick by being the smaller built brother.

“I‟m well aware you‟re going to force me to, if that‟s what you mean,” I answered dryly. I
picked at my nails, not wanting to look at him.

“I don‟t want to force you, you know,” Emmett informed me gruffly.

“I know.”

“But, if it comes to down to it, I will drag you both into a room and lock you inside together until
you‟ve exhausted every subject imaginable,” he continued.

“I know.”

“She‟s doing as shit a job at moving on as you are,” he suddenly changed the subject. I looked up
in surprise. Emmett had made it a point to never tell me about her love life even when I had
practically threatened to kill him if he didn‟t tell me if she was dating someone new. “She‟s
blown through guy after guy, each worse than the last. She barely even gives them a chance to
prove they‟re decent before she kicks them to the curb –”

“Emmett,” I interrupted, running a hand through my hair. “I don‟t want to hear about Bella‟s

love life. It‟s none of my business anymore.”

“What do you mean „none of your business‟? You‟ve been trying to pump me for this for the last
two years while you were at your „internship‟,” he sneered as he said the last word and I winced
at the lie I had made two years ago. “And now you say it‟s none of your business? Where do you
get off?”

“Emmett,” I said, in a placating tone. “What I mean is that it doesn‟t matter because I‟m not
going to go after her anyway. I‟m going to leave Bella alone, like I should have all along.”

3.

Bella.

--

I shivered as I slid the key from the lock of the door to the restaurant and pulled my coat tighter
around me as I hurried to my car. This was the first time I had closed up in a long time, but when
the opportunity presented itself, I gladly took it as a way to further distract myself from my own
problems.

Nowadays, Phil, my mother‟s newly acquired husband, was usually the one to close the
restaurant up giving me what I usually considered blessed time off. Before Phil had arrived in
our lives, first as a newly hired restaurant manager at my insistence, then quickly as my mother‟s
love interest, I had been working myself to death at the restaurant. When I finally convinced my
mom to let me hire someone to take some of the responsibility of our growing restaurant, we
couldn‟t have found someone better than the baseball-loving Phil who had a knack for making
my mother happy and getting everything to run smoothly.

Phil had started working for us nearly a year ago and I was still adjusting somewhat to having so
much free time whereas before I spent such a large chunk of my life worrying over the restaurant
with my mother. We had inherited the business from my grandparents over a year and a half
before then when they decided to retire and although my mother was technically the owner, she
was a bit too unfocused to deal with a lot of the business side of the restaurant. She preferred to
converse with customers and make a mess of things in the kitchen. That‟s where I had fit into her
grand scheme of taking over the restaurant my grandparents were giving to her to run, seeing
how I had just graduated from culinary school I had attended upon my grandfather‟s
encouragement a year before.

Now, I almost wished I could go back to those days of being too busy to even think if only just to
keep my mind off of Edward‟s sudden return. My work at the restaurant had always been a
distraction in Edward and mine‟s relationship. He didn‟t approve of the long hours I put in and I

couldn‟t see any other path in life for myself. Edward was actually the one who had pushed for
me to convince my mother to hire a manager, so I could „live a little‟ as he put it. I had resented
it at the time and it grew to be a wedge between us, but now that it had all actually happened, I
saw the wisdom in what Edward was trying to get me to do. I finally had a life of my own again.
I just didn’t have him in it anymore, a prickly voice in my mind reminded me.

Deep down, I knew that no matter how much I buried myself in work at the restaurant it would
hardly distract me from my thoughts. It didn‟t take much for any small thing to remind me of a
memory with Edward, especially when I was in the restaurant alone. I hadn‟t really considered
that being alone was much worse than being distracted among co-workers. It had taken me twice
as long as it usually would for me to close down because I was so wrapped up in sorting things
out.

Not that I actually had. I was no further in figuring out how I was ever going to face him when
the time came than I was a week ago when Emmett had first told me. There was no use planning
what I was going to say anyway; the moment I saw him it would all fly out of my head. That‟s
the way it always had been and it would be foolish of me to think anything else would happen
even after two years.

When I arrived home, I was greeted by the TV‟s soft murmur in the living room and I saw Alice
napping soundly on the couch. I made my way quietly over to her, putting down my bag along
the way and kneeled down to gently shake her.

“Alice,” I whispered. “Do you want to go to your room?”

“Mmm,” She hummed and pushed my hand away. I sighed and gave up, pulling the blanket off
the back of the couch and draping it over her.

“Goodnight then,” I sighed and she murmured a response before turning away from me. I turned
off the TV before heading down the hallway to my room and climbing into bed myself.

It was no surprise to me that night that I dreamt about him. The dream twisted and distorted time,
running memories together in strange ways, but that wasn‟t what I remembered as I started
awake the next morning. The only thing I could see was the tortured expression his face had
worn the night he had left me.

I did my best to shake it off by showering for longer than usual that morning. By the time I made
it to the kitchen, Alice was already up and brewing the coffee.

“Hey,” she greeted me softly, staring fixedly at the coffee machine. My eyes narrowed in study
at her strange behavior. She was usually much more chipper this early in the morning. That,
combined with her sleeping on the couch last night, indicated something was obviously
bothering her.

“What‟s up?” I asked tentatively.

Alice sighed heavily and grabbed two mugs to pour coffee into for us. She went about this
business in silence and I waited patiently for her to answer the question.

“Bella,” she started finally. “I‟m worried about you.”

Thrown off guard, I stuttered, “W-worried?”

Alice tapped the counter in thought and slid the mug across the counter to me before taking hers
to the table and sitting down. I followed suit, leaving my coffee untouched in the daze her
statement had caused.

“It‟s hard to see him having so much power over you, is all,” she admitted. Her small mouth
turned downward in a frown as she sipped away at her coffee. I stayed silent. “You haven‟t even
seen him yet, but you‟re already slipping back into the same pattern you had right after he left. I
won‟t go through that with you again, Bella. No man is worth that much heartache.”

I listened mutely to her worries and traced the rim of my mug with my fingers.

“Alice,” I stopped her before she could continue. “I promise I won‟t go back to how I was.” I
winced at the memories of that period of my life. “It‟s just…it‟s just difficult to know he‟s back
but things won‟t ever be the same. You were right when you said I wasn‟t over him. I‟m not, but
he‟s obviously over me and I‟m trying to come to terms with that.”

Alice sat up a little straighter at my words and looked as if she wanted to dissent about
something, but she curbed herself. I was thankful for that. I didn‟t want to hear any false
consolation on the subject of Edward. It would just give me false hope which was never good.

“Why were you asleep on the couch last night?” I asked, changing the subject.

“I was waiting for you get home and it got later than I thought it would be,” she explained. I
winced again. I guess I had forgotten to tell her I was closing last night.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

“Don‟t worry about it,” she assured me and got up from her seat to put her mug in the sink. “I
have to get going. I have a meeting with a new client this morning. Are you going in today?”

“Only if they need me. Phil said he‟d call later if they did,” I told her. She smiled and nodded.

“Good. You need a day off. You‟ve been working too much lately,” she scolded, sounding more
like a mother than a friend. I couldn‟t help but smile back at her. She was probably the most
observant person I had ever met. I honestly thought she would notice if I worked a single hour
more than I said I would. That‟s just the way she was.

“I‟ll see you later,” I told her as she was grabbing her coat from the closet. She lifted in her
fingers in a light wave and left quickly.

--

I spent much of the morning and afternoon cleaning the apartment. With Alice dashing in and
out with her latest designs and purchases and me keeping myself busy elsewhere, our apartment
was in desperate need of a little cleaning. I grew bored eventually and began to flick through
channels on the TV, settling in for a listless afternoon and half-wishing the phone would ring and
Phil would ask me to come in, just for something to do.

My peaceful afternoon was disturbed by a loud knocking at the door. I started from where I had
been reading on the couch, almost losing my balance as I pulled myself up to go to the door.
Unsure of who to expect, I cracked the door open to see the hulking figure of Emmett leaning
against the jamb.

“Hey, Emmett, what brings you here?” I asked curiously, opening the door fully to let him in. He
didn‟t answer immediately; instead he went straight to the couch and threw himself comfortably
upon it. I followed more slowly and sat in the armchair, my initial curiosity piqued into genuine
interest. This was different. Usually when Emmett barged in, he said what was on his mind
immediately. This silence was almost unnerving.

I watched as he fidgeted with his hands in his lap nervously and finally as his worried blue eyes
made contact with mine. I quirked an eyebrow in an effort to compel him to spit it out already.

“Bella,” he started, taking a deep breath. “I came here to talk to you about Edward.”

He might as well have run over me with his jeep, I was so immobilized. Taking in my reaction,
he stopped fidgeting and looked at me steadily. I was too frozen inside to look away.

“I know it‟s been sort of a taboo subject between us for the past…well, forever, but I really think
that you should be prepared for a few things,” Emmett continued and I could tell he was
choosing his words carefully. Numbly, I nodded, silently telling him to go on. “Okay then…” he
paused and ruffled his curly hair. “First and foremost, he loves you.”

“Emmett, maybe this isn‟t –” I started to interrupt, but he held up his hand to silence me.

“No, you need to know this,” Emmett asserted a bit more forcefully. “Because let me tell you,
he‟s going to a complete ass to you in the coming weeks. I can see it coming already and you
should be prepared for it with the knowledge that he loves you, he‟s just…being Edward.”

I sighed and sank back into the armchair, feeling deflated. I knew what he was saying was quite
possibly true, but even if Edward did still love me that didn‟t mean he still wanted me. That just
made it sting worse, to be truthful.

“Secondly, I wanted to tell you to forgive him,” Emmett said after a long moment. I started out
of my slump to look in his direction.

“What do you mean?” I asked carefully, feeling myself on the edge of some very dangerous
territory.

“Exactly what I said,” Emmett answered, the firm tone from earlier had crept back into his voice
and I felt small as I listened to him speak. “I just want you to be ready to forgive him.”

“How can I be ready to forgive him if I don‟t know what I‟m forgiving?” I asked, fighting to
keep the frustration out of my voice.

“Bella, you love him right?” Emmett questioned suddenly.

“Emmett,” I pleaded.

“Just answer the question.”

I felt like I was melting inside, as if hot candle wax was burning slowly inside of me as the
thought of Edward and love mixed together inside my head. The answer seemed simple enough,
but impossibly it was difficult to find the one word I wanted.

“Yes,” I answered, my voice soft and shaken.

Emmett let out a loud gust of air and nodded to himself.

“That‟s enough reason to forgive him, then because he did what he did because he loves you,” he
said, as if delivering a verdict to a full court.

“I don‟t think it will be that simple, Emmett,” I prodded him gently.

“Of course it will be,” he assured me, suddenly looking in much higher spirits. “You love him,
he loves you and everything else will just take care of itself. You‟ll see.”

I didn‟t have the heart to argue that point with him. Instead I steered our conversation towards
other destinations, but I felt Emmett‟s words echoing in my head like a broken record. Not for
the first time in my life, I wished I could just forget my own cynicism and adopt Emmett‟s
simplistic take on everything then maybe everything really would work out for me.

4.

Edward.

--

I stared listlessly at my blank computer screen, willing words to come. It wasn‟t like it was a

particularly difficult subject. I was just writing an introduction about myself and my new
column, but it seemed like at the moment, writing about myself was exactly the opposite of easy.

Maybe it would be easier if I didn‟t have ten million other things on my mind. Emmett had
arranged for a party to „welcome‟ me home tonight. I suspected he had something else up his
sleeve but I knew there was little to naught I could do to thwart him, so I let him be with the
plans which mostly involved him buying some poor grocery store out of beer and chips.

“Hey, Ed,” a cheerful voice interrupted my thoughts. Irritated at the unwanted nickname, I
looked up to find Mike Newton standing in my new office‟s doorjamb.

“Hey, Mike,” I greeted flatly.

“How‟s the writing going?” Mike asked, seeming not to notice my disinterest as he flopped into
one of my chairs.

“Just fine,” I answered tightly, closing out of the empty document I had open to hide my lack of
progress.

“So how‟s the move back been?” he continued, still undeterred. I fought the urge to glare openly
at him; instead I began to gather a few things to make a quick escape.

“It‟s been fine,” I mumbled as I stuffed some papers into my briefcase and made a show of
getting ready to go. “You‟ve actually caught me on my way out. My brother has some plans for
tonight, so I‟m cutting out a few minutes early.”

“Oh really, what‟s going on tonight?” This guy just could not take a hint, could he?

“My brother‟s throwing a party,” I explained as patiently as I could. Just as Mike was opening
his mouth to probably fish for an invitation, I cut him off, “I‟ll see you Monday, Mike.”

I nodded as I ducked out of my office, leaving him alone, lounging in the chair looking a little
stupefied. Mike was just one of many of the guys around the office who had been trying to
befriend me in the past week.

I knew that I had been a hot topic in their water cooler chat this week and that wasn‟t exactly
encouraging me to be sociable with them when I knew that every move I made was being
gossiped about. Part of me understood the fascination though. Why would anyone give up what
seemed to be a dream job in Chicago to come back here to a sub-standard salary and less
exposure? I smiled grimly to myself as I climbed into my car to go home. They wouldn‟t
understand anyway.

My new position at a local magazine, Amped, was much the same as the one I had had two years
before at the other local paper, The Times, except for a few more perks. I worked as a music
journalist and it was my job to listen to both the good and the bad underground music that the
city had to offer.

My toughts turned away from the already tedious office politics and towards tonight. Emmett
had promised to keep this party tonight confined to people I actually at least vaguely liked,
which hopefully meant it would be small. I hoped for his sake he would stick to his promise.

When I got home to the apartment, Rosalie was there, grumbling as she cleaned up the
apartment. I sidestepped her, knowing it wasn‟t really wise to bother her at a time like this, and
Emmett nodded to me from where he was watching her from his usual spot on the couch. I left
them to it and went up to my room to put my stuff down.

I threw myself onto my bed after laying my briefcase on the chair. Sighing, I loosened my tie and
let my head fall back. Today had been a long day full of nothing and everything.

I rubbed my temples in an effort to dispel the headache that was fast coming on. I opened my
eyes slowly and sat up with a sigh, knowing I should head back to the living room and help out
Rosalie and Emmett. As I got up to change shirts, my eyes fell several boxes that had been piled
in the corner of my room. Obviously they were the boxes I had had shipped to me from my
apartment in Chicago. I would deal with them tomorrow.

After changing shirts, I trudged back out to the living room to find several people already there.
They all turned to greet me as I walked in and I smiled as genuinely as I could muster.

“Edward,” Emmett said broadly, coming up and throwing his arm around me to steer me across
the room. I followed along wordlessly, not in the mood to do much else. “I want to introduce you
to a good buddy of mine.”

“I thought you were only inviting people I knew already?” I asked irritably. I scanned the room
for an unfamiliar face and found several much to my displeasure.

“I changed my mind. I thought we could use this as a chance to broaden your social circle a
little,” Emmett answered, ignoring my displeasure and leading me over to where Rosalie was
chatting amiably with a tall, blonde man.

“Edward, this is Jasper,” Emmett introduced without ado. “Jasper, my younger brother Edward.”

Jasper took me in with a faint smile at Emmett and I shook his hand obligingly.

“Jasper here runs a local recording studio,” Emmett detailed and suddenly my ears perked up.
Emmett clapped me on the shoulder, as if sensing my piqued interest and he drew Rosalie away
with him leaving Jasper and me alone.

“So, how‟d you meet Emmett?” I asked casually, grabbing a beer from the nearby cooler.

“Uh, Rose is my twin sister, actually,” Jasper explained with a grin. Taken aback, I looked a little
closer at him, this time seeing the very obvious resemblance. They had the same high
cheekbones and sharp blue eyes; I was surprised I didn‟t catch it earlier.

“That makes sense, I guess,” I said with a nod to myself. “So, tell me about your studio.”

Jasper complied with another grin, launching into a detailed history of the studio he ran to which
I listened to attentively. He had started it up with a friend who had since bailed out; leaving
Jasper alone in managing the fledging business, but it hadn‟t curtailed the studio‟s business
thankfully. In fact it had grown substantially in the past year. I was just about to ask him about
possibly introducing me to a few of the bands he worked with when the door opened and I saw
Alice Brandon walk in, dragging a very unwilling brunette behind her. My chest clenched
uncomfortably as I recognized her and I took in her lost, frightened look.

“Bella,” I murmured unconsciously to myself.

“What was that?” Jasper asked curiously.

“Excuse me for a few minutes, would you?” I asked, but didn‟t wait for an answer. Distractedly,
I made my way over to her, setting my beer down somewhere along the way and praying to God
she didn‟t see me and bolt before I got to her. Somehow, my prayers were answered. I stood
behind her listening as she begged her friend Alice to leave. Like a stab to the heart, I realized
she probably didn‟t even want to see me, but I couldn‟t find the strength to walk away from her.
Just as always, I was like a moth drawn to a flame.

As if feeling my presence, she whirled around, her mouth gaping. She stared at me with wide
eyes, as if I had petrified her into silence.

I pressed my lips together and cleared my throat, trying to find something, anything, to say.

“Hello, Bella,” I finally greeted her. Her mouth snapped shut and she gave a wild look over her
shoulder, no doubt to get support from Alice, but the girl had disappeared suddenly.

“Edward,” she returned shakily, staring at me like she was seeing a ghost. Her face was pale and
drawn. I wondered if I looked any better. I knew I didn‟t feel any better.

Feeling the prying gazes around us, I gestured for her to follow me out to the empty balcony. I
half-expected for her to run in the opposite direction to the door instead but she followed me as if
she was under a trance. The moment the door shut behind us, she seemed to at least partially
snap out of it.

“I didn‟t mean to come,” she blurted out suddenly and then winced. I leaned against the railing
silently, running a hand through my hair shakily and trying to tell myself to get a grip. “I
mean…I didn‟t know I was coming,” she corrected herself softly.

I turned slightly to take her in as she came to stand beside me at the railing.

“You look beautiful,” I said the only thing I could think of saying. I kicked myself immediately
for the words as I saw her frown beside me.

“I wouldn‟t have come up if I‟d known you were here,” she continued, her eyes darting out to
look out into the dark. Anywhere but me, I figured.

“Why?” I asked softly before I could stop myself.

She seemed startled out the trance she had been under and I longed to reach out and take her into
my arms in that moment. She just looked so…lost.

“I-I know you didn‟t really want to see me,” she said.

I stared blankly at her, her words flicking through my brain unprocessed.

“What?” I heard myself question, even though I never even felt my lips form the word.

“You asked Emmett not to tell me that you were back, so I know that you didn‟t want to see me,”
she repeated herself, speaking slowly as if I‟d merely misunderstood her diction and not her
meaning.

I chuckled darkly to myself and turned away from her to look into the dark night sky myself.
Gripping the railing, I shook my head as I finally understood her thought process.

“Bella, you‟re utterly absurd,” I murmured. I felt her stiffen beside me and risked a glance in her
direction. She was stubbornly looking the other direction and I could tell without much effort
that she was biting back some rather strong words. Even if we had been apart for two years,
some things would never change about Bella. “Just say it, you don‟t have to censor yourself
around me,” I said finally.

“I know I don‟t,” she responded quietly and at last, looked in my direction. The pain in her eyes
when she finally met my gaze threw me for a long moment.

“Bella,” I breathed her name again and against my will, I took a step closer to her. She tensed
again and I checked myself from getting any closer. Still, we were far too close for comfort. It
was all I could manage to not reach out and stroke her cheek which was less than half an arm
length away.

“Edward,” she sighed and then stood up very straight. I knew from experience that I wasn‟t
going to like what was going to come from her mouth, and probably mine, next. “I need to know
where we stand.”

“What do you mean?” I was the one to avoid her gaze now. This was exactly the question I
didn‟t want to answer. Even though I had told myself I had made up my mind about her, it was
about one hundred times more difficult to actually admit to her, the girl who haunted my every
move, that I was giving her up to some higher being than me.

“Please, Edward,” she begged.

The way my name fell from her lips nearly unraveled me right then. All I wanted to do was
throw myself at her mercy and tell her everything – tell her that I didn‟t care if she wouldn‟t
marry me, it was enough that she would merely deign to be on the same balcony as me, but that
wasn‟t what I did. Instead, I very decidedly and cruelly stomped on my own secret hope and
spoke the words I‟d been chanting to myself ever since I‟d decided to come back.

“We‟ve been over for two years, Bella,” I said as icily as I could allow myself. I had to make her
believe me even if my own conviction was weak. “I don‟t think there‟s much question as to
where we stand with each other.”

She let out a huge gust of air and I stared fixedly down at my hands but I didn‟t miss her
determined nod to herself in my periphery.

“Okay, then. That‟s all I needed to hear,” she told me before she disappeared inside without
another word, no doubt to find Alice and leave. I stood frozen on the balcony, her voice echoing
strangely in my head.

5.

Bella
--

I slid the door to the balcony closed behind me and I stumbled back into the crowd, feeling dizzy
and disoriented. The room spun for a few minutes before I could get a full handle on myself. I
looked behind to my shoulder to assure myself that Edward wasn‟t watching me and took a
strange solace in the image of him still leaning over the balcony, exactly how I‟d left him. At
least he wouldn‟t see me falling apart at the seams if he was too busy re-memorizing the skyline.

It took me several minutes to find Alice in the crowded living room of Emmett‟s apartment and I
used the time to try to calm my shallow breaths and racing heart. It didn‟t particularly help. I was
a complete wreck after that encounter. Being that close to Edward after so long was not good for
my health; I‟d never known anyone who could affect me so completely.

When I finally zeroed in on Alice, I made a beeline straight for her and grabbed her arm without
ceremony, dragging her away from what looked to be a very involved conversation with a tall
blonde man I didn‟t know. It didn‟t matter anyway because no conversation could be as
important as the one I was about to have with her. She had tricked me into coming to this party
and I wanted – no, needed – to know why.

“Bella!” she protested, but I already had her out the door and was heading down the stairs before
she could do more than sputter at me. Her heels clicked furiously after me as I raced down the

stairs and she called after me again, this time less annoyed and more concerned, “Bella?”

By the time she caught up to me, we were out on the street and I was sucking in huge breaths of
fresh air. Luckily, the street seemed to be mostly deserted and those who were walking along
seemed disinterested in the scene I‟m sure I was creating.

“Bella,” Alice ventured, coming to stand beside me. “What happened?”

“Did you know he was going to be there?” I demanded instead of answering her question.

Alice had the decency to look ashamed. She pursed her lips, fiddling with the strap of her purse
as she took me in. Finally, knowing she‟d been caught, her posture sagged a little, but still, she
said nothing.

“You did,” I confirmed for her with a groan. I slid against the nearest light pole, needing support
as I went a little weak in the knees. My knees started to feel weak and I slid against the nearest
light pole, needing the support. I‟m sure it looked as if I was having a psychotic breakdown to
anyone who happened to be passing us on the street. “Alice, how could you?”

“I thought it would be good for you guys to talk,” Alice said in a small voice. Her usually
piercing blue eyes were wide with concern and were busily assessing the damage.

“So, you thought tricking me into thinking Emmett actually needed me for something serious
would make us open up to each other and spill our guts?” I asked sarcastically.

Alice bit her lip and sighed, “I‟m sorry, Bella. I thought it would go better than it obviously did.”

I brought a hand up to rub my now aching temples and when I opened my eyes, I saw Alice
digging out her car keys. She gently grasped my arm and led me over to the car. We were on our
way back to our apartment in a matter of moments and I endured the ride in a silence, trying to
gather up my thoughts from the hazy, distorted mess that circled inside my head.

As soon as we made it back into the apartment, I threw myself on the couch and Alice went to
the kitchen, coming back with a pint of chocolate ice cream and two spoons. I sat up to take it
from her and she let me get in a few bites before starting up again.

“So what happened?” she asked gently.

“I don‟t even know,” I admitted quietly and leaned my head on her shoulder in defeat. She took
the ice cream from me and set it on the table without a word. “He was just so…different. He
didn‟t seem like Edward anymore.”

“Oh, Bella,” Alice sighed and hugged me tightly. “I‟m willing to bet everything that he‟s still
just as in love with you as he was when he left.”

“Alice,” I warned, sniffling as I sat back up from her embrace. “Stop, please. It doesn‟t help to

think that way…especially not when he says things like he did tonight.”

“What did he say?”

I shrugged, my heart constricting at the thought of the blow he‟d dealt me.

“He just confirmed that he‟s moved on in a way I haven‟t been able to,” I said.

Alice‟s expression fell and she shook her head in disbelief. She looked as if she was going to
dissent, but she bit her tongue, letting silence fall between us. Pursing her lips, she stood abruptly
to grab the ice cream and headed towards the kitchen. I watched her go in slight bewilderment at
her sudden change in demeanor. When she returned, she looked thoughtful as she sat down next
to me.

“Bella,” she started. “Do you realize how deeply you‟re still in love him?”

“I thought we‟d already had this discussion,” I responded darkly, sinking back against the couch.
“You got me to admit that I wasn‟t over him and that I needed to be if I ever wanted to have a
real relationship with someone else, etcetera, etcetera.” I waved my hand at her in dismissal.

“That‟s not what I meant actually,” Alice countered. “What I meant is that do you realize that if
you are still this in love with him, then maybe you should do something about it.”

I shifted from my slump to look at her in confusion.

“What?” I asked incredulously.

“I said „then maybe you should do something about it‟,” she repeated herself.

“I know what you said, I wanted to know what you meant,” I said, annoyed.

“Look, you love him and he loves you,” she explained. I opened my mouth to argue but she cut
me off. “Personally, I think Edward just needs a little shove in the right direction because if you
leave this up to him, you‟ll be waiting the rest of your life for him to swallow his pride and then
you‟ll both be miserable.”

“He told me he was over me,” I argued weakly, shaking my head at Alice‟s logic.

“Bella,” Alice huffed. “It‟s so obvious he‟s lying. If he was over you, he wouldn‟t have even
bothered telling you something like that. It sounds like he‟s trying to convince himself he‟s
moving on just as much as you‟ve been trying to, and with just as much success, might I add.”

“I don‟t want to talk about this,” I mumbled and got up from the couch slowly. To my surprise,
Alice didn‟t argue as I made my way to my bedroom. I quickly exchanged my jeans for some
more comfortable flannel pants and fell into bed. Even though it was still pretty early in the
night, I was exhausted.

I lay in bed surrounded by the silence in what was almost a futile attempt to sleep. When I did
finally manage to drift into unconsciousness, it did nothing to calm my frayed nerves. My
dreams centered around Edward, which wasn‟t anything entirely new. But this time in between
the normal images of his face, memories that I thought were long buried swam to the front of my
mind and haunted my dreams.

--

On our first date, he had pulled out all the stops. He wined and dined me like a professional and
I was completely in love with him by the time he dropped me off that night. I had spent the entire
night trying to figure out why someone as beautiful and perfect as Edward Cullen would ever
want to take me, ordinary in every sense of the word, out on a date, but I never got the courage
to question him about it that night. I didn’t want to ruin what was one of the most perfect nights
I’d ever experienced.

We’d had dinner at an upscale restaurant downtown and then he’d taken me for a walk in a
nearby park where we’d talked endlessly of our lives. It was the date so many girls dreamed of
having and there I was, plain Bella Swan, living the reality of it and not quite believing my good
luck.

As he walked me to my door that night, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He just seemed too
perfect to be real. He had been wearing a dark oxford shirt that night that fit him in a way that
probably should have been illegal.

We reached my door much too soon for my liking and I purposely stalled in fishing for my keys
so that I could stand next to him even for just a few seconds longer. He didn’t seem to mind that I
had an inordinate amount of trouble searching for a huge key ring in a relatively small clutch.

“Bella,” he whispered, his voice low and husky. I looked up at him from my clutch to find his
eyes dark and hooded and his lips caught in between a smirk and a smile. My heart nearly
exploded in my chest right then and there.

“Yes?” I asked softly, my fingers finally curling unconsciously around my keys.

“I had a really good time tonight with you,” he said and I felt myself smile giddily at the words.
His hand came up gently to brush aside a piece of hair that had fallen in my eyes and suddenly I
became aware that he was standing much closer to me than I had originally thought. My fingers
that had been looped around my key ring slacked inside my clutch and almost unconsciously, my
eyes drifted to his lips.

“I had a really good time too,” I confessed, my voice almost too soft even for me to hear but he
didn’t seem to have any trouble. I made a mental note to add supernaturally good hearing to his
ever-growing list of good qualities.

“Would you mind terribly if I kissed you goodnight?” he asked quietly and I almost choked. His

words ran brokenly through my head and I wasn’t sure I was even capable of words anymore so
I went for the safest option: a shake of the head. He smiled and his fingers brushed gently
against my cheekbone before his hand came to cup my neck.

His face drifted closer to mine and I shivered internally in anticipation of the contact I’d been
yearning for…

--

I awoke with a start, out of breath and panicky as if I‟d just woken from a nightmare instead of
the pleasant memory that had flooded my dreaming mind. I quickly hopped out of bed and went
to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face.

Bracing myself on the counter, I stared into my reflection. I don‟t know how long I stood there
before I came to a decision. I needed to find out what was really left of Edward and mine‟s
relationship for my own sanity. I had to know if it was really over before I could ever really
move on from him. I was finally ready to break this stupid stalling pattern I‟d been in for the last
two years and to that I needed Edward to give me something more than words. I needed him to
give me closure.

“Alice!” I called loudly, knowing that she had probably been waiting all night for me to come to
this conclusion.

6.

Edward.

--

It had been seven days since the party. Seven days filled with living out of my a few boxes and
my suitcase as I tried to find a new apartment that wasn‟t filled with memories of her in every
corner. I kept having to remind myself to mark the days in relation to the party rather than in
days since I‟d last seen her, but it was proving a harder task than I‟d originally thought.

Right now, however, as I sat in my first staff meeting at my new job, it was hard not to count the
time in minutes and seconds. This meeting was interminable and none of it had to do with me
except for the brief, unneeded introduction that I had to endure. Unneeded because the water
cooler gossip pretty much had me covered for life. Everyone seemed to know every aspect of my
professional life – as if it were that interesting.

And so, I slid down in my chair, trying to resist idle doodling on the blank notepad in front of me
and to look interested in Mike Newton as he rattled off about something football related.

Finally, the meeting drew to a close and we were excused. I darted up from my seat and hastily
made my way to my office where I grabbed my stuff so I could finally leave this damn building.
Luckily, no one tried to detain me on my way out and I was out of the office and back home in a
matter of thirty minutes.

I knew the second I walked into the apartment that I had made a mistake coming home. Bella‟s
loud, clear laugh rang out from the living room as I quietly set down my bag and crept toward
the end of the hallway to inspect exactly how bad of a situation I was about to walk into. I froze
as I caught a glimpse of her, perched easily on the arm of the armchair Alice was lounging in.
Emmett was sprawled on the couch with Rose, who was thankfully keeping him occupied
enough he wouldn‟t be announcing my presence anytime soon.

I weighed my options. I could just leave and come back later when I was sure they were gone
and the coast was clear. I sneered at myself, disgusted at my own cowardice. Tugging a hand
through my hair, I stretched my brain for a better idea. Unfortunately, my mind didn‟t come up
with a better avoidance tactic fast enough.

“Edward,” a voice called out and it took me almost a full minute to process the friendly voice
was coming from, of all people, Bella. “Stop lurking in the hallway and come join us.”

Her words jolted me from where I stood in the hallway and I came as casually as I could to lean
on the doorjamb, not wanting to get any closer. I determinedly glared towards the TV that was
flashing images of some inane romantic comedy.

“I wasn‟t lurking,” I muttered in retort a little too late for it to be effective.

“Finally come home to join the party, little brother?” Emmett jumped in and I scowled in his
general direction, but kept my eyes trained on the TV.

“I had a staff meeting,” I explained flatly.

“Nice to see you too, Edward,” Alice teased from where she sat. My eyes flicked darkly over to
her, a sarcastic retort ready to leave my mouth when I was reminded with a jolt why I wasn‟t
looking in her direction in the first place. I shrugged and turned back to the TV with a grunt,
trying to shake myself of the image of Bella sitting there nonchalantly.

Pushing myself off the doorjamb, I made my way to the kitchen where I immediately began
rifling through the fridge. I grabbed the last beer with a sigh, knowing I‟d probably be hearing
about it later from Emmett, but at the moment I couldn‟t care less. Bella Swan was in my living
room. And she didn‟t even seem affected by it or me. At all.

What the hell was going on?

I wrenched the top off of the bottle and made my way out to my balcony where I could catch
some fresh air. I leaned over the rail and stared into the cloud-covered sky, looking for answers

to questions I didn‟t even know how to ask.

I wasn‟t out there for long before I heard the door slide open and close behind someone. I didn‟t
need to turn around to see who it was. My hands gripped a little tighter around the bottle and I
set it down on the small table we had set up out here but I didn‟t say anything.

For her part, she didn‟t say anything either. She shuffled over to where I was standing and placed
herself next to me silently. I could feel her eyes sliding over me and I wondered what she was
looking for.

I tried to resist the sudden, magnetic urge to shift closer to her. It had always been like that with
her, from day one. I just couldn‟t stand being close to her and not touching her, so I was
constantly finding small ways to keep in contact with her body. I closed my eyes against the
feeling and when I opened them again, she was staring down at her hands.

I took the moment to study her, noticing details I‟d overlooked when I‟d last seen her. The bags
under her eyes, the frown that tugged on the corners of lips, the last few fading freckles of
summer still dusted lightly across her nose. It was all familiar, but she was different. Older. I
guess we‟d both grown up a little in my absence though.

She shifted suddenly, resting her forearms against the rail and sighing. I couldn‟t tear my eyes
away from her as she rocked back and forth in obvious indecision. I knew that I should probably
leave and lock myself in my room before I did anything I would regret later but I couldn‟t even
manage to look away from her profile, how could I possibly remove myself entirely?

She blew out a heavy breath and sagged against the rail as I watched. I wondered, not for the first
time in the years I‟d known her, what was going on in her head. She didn‟t make me wait as long
as she usually did to clue me in though.

“Edward, I‟ve missed you,” she whispered unexpectedly and I almost missed it altogether. Her
brown eyes were wide with sincerity as she stared up at me, meeting my gaze for the first time. I
sucked in a breath, feeling as if I was experiencing the vertigo of falling several stories from a
tall building. She hesitated before continuing. “It…we were more than just…” she broke off in
frustration, wringing her hands together and taking a deep breath. “You were my best friend,”
she suddenly blurted out quietly and my heart plummeted painfully.

“You were mine too,” I whispered, startling myself by the confession. I gripped the rail as I tried
to control the floodgate that had just burst open inside of me, but it was all but a futile attempt.
My efforts were thrown completely to wind when she did something entirely too reckless – her
fingers gently took my hand up from the rail and twined them inside hers.

My breath left me suddenly as I stared down at the familiar, but faded image of her hand in mine.
She squeezed my hand gently as if she knew exactly what I was thinking and I knew she
probably did.

We didn‟t say anything more that night. It was as if there was silent agreement between us that

we didn‟t want to ruin the first peaceful moment we‟d had together in a long time. For my part, I
spent most of the night studying her hand in mine, marveling and agonizing at how time hadn‟t
changed how perfect it felt inside mine.

When Alice called her from inside, signaling it was time to leave, I tried not to be disappointed.
Quietly she detangled her hand from mine, a small smile gracing her lips. Before going inside,
she paused, looking unsure of herself for the first time that evening. She played with the sliding
door, obviously stalling, and looked searchingly at me. I took an involuntary step towards her,
feeling again as if she were a magnet I couldn‟t resist the pull of. I swallowed hard, trying to
keep myself from the closing the remaining space between us and kissing her. I had never
wanted to do exactly more than I did right in that moment, but somehow I managed to stay put.

“Goodnight, Bella,” I said softly instead. Her face flickered for a moment before she nodded and
fled inside. I felt the loss of her presence the moment the door clicked shut behind her.

That night, long after they had left, I lay in my bed mulling over everything. I knew that if Bella
was going to be a part of my life again, even in the tiniest degree, I had to confess to the blatant
lie I had told when I‟d left. I just didn‟t know if I‟d ever find the right moment to tell her.

I chuckled darkly to myself. There really was no „right‟ moment to tell her something like that. I
had a feeling after she found out the real reason I left, she wouldn‟t want to talk to me anymore
anyways, but it was for the better. While I was gone, Bella had grown into herself and it was
obvious she didn‟t really need me around to mess that up for even if she had admitted to missing
me.

I closed my eyes, willing those thoughts away – instead concentrating on the way her hand had
warmed mine or the way her dark eyes had glittered with the hint of a smile as she looked at me
tonight. I knew I needed to do anything but cling onto those details, but now that they were fresh
in my mind after a two year dearth, it was impossible not to.

I knew then, as I had known two years ago when I‟d first left, that I would never get over her.
Bella was the end of the line for as far as women went. I‟d known that, but I also knew that she
deserved better than me and for that reason I needed to find a way to move on, so she could too. I
would be her friend if that‟s what she needed, but when it was time I would step aside for the
man that could give her everything she needed and deserved.

“Yeah right,” I muttered to myself at the noble thought. Even I could work up the nerve to tell
her that it was over two years ago, that hardly made it true. I buried my head in the closest pillow
with a groan and willed myself to sleep.

--

I loved to watch her sleep. It was an activity I’d stumbled across by accident one night. It had
been one of the first nights she’d spent with me and she was asleep, cuddled to my side, while I
lay awake and memorized how she felt in my arms.

Her sleep talking had started innocently enough, with just a few intermittent words that came out
jumbled and incoherent, but it was when she mumbled my name for the first time that I stiffened
beneath her and began to listen.

“Edward,” she had murmured and her hands had tightened their hold on me. I had to bite back
the groan that rose to my throat as her leg hitched higher on my torso. I looked down at her, her
pale skin haloed by her dark hair, and my heart all but stopped in my chest right there. She was
dreaming of me.

I started to stay up a little later each night she would stay over, just to listen to her. When she
was awake and I told her about her nighttime mumblings, she would always blush fiercely and
shake her head in confusion at my amusement.

It was a night a few weeks later that stopped me in my tracks. It had started out normally
enough, my name mixed in with a few other more random musings and then she’d said it.

“Edward,” she mumbled as she burrowed a little closer to me. “I love you.” Her voice was
barely louder than a hoarse whisper but I heard it all the same.

I sucked in a deep, sudden breath as the words replayed in my mind. Had I heard her correctly?
Did she mean it? More importantly, did I love her? I lay there almost motionless as the questions
raced through me. I didn’t even notice her stirring next to me.

“Edward?” she asked, her voice very much awake this time. I started from the trance she’d put
me in and the moment I met her wide, concerned brown eyes, I knew the answer to all my
questions.

Yes.

--

I woke up, feeling both exhausted and uneasy because I now knew without a doubt that I was
irreversibly in love with Bella Swan and I had no idea how to deal with it. My policy staying
away from her as much as possible had fallen through spectacularly and now I was adrift to sea
with no direction whatsoever.

7.

Bella.

--

The plan was not working. Why had I expected it to work if it was obviously going to fail?

Maybe it would have worked on any other man in the universe, but this was Edward I was
dealing with and unfortunately, he seemed determined to thwart my every move.

The worst part of it was that he seemed completely unaware of the fact that he was, indeed,
thwarting it. It had been two weeks since Alice had coordinated the first ambush at his apartment
and it seemed like we‟d actually regressed since then.

When he‟d let me touch him that one time and when I had held his hand in mine, it was almost
painful to remember how long it had been since we‟d even done that. That was the last of the
touching, however, and the beginning of a new, uncomfortable silence between us. Now,
whenever I saw him, he‟d nod briefly towards me without meeting my eyes and then find some
way to leave the room or if he could, the building entirely. I tried very hard not to be hurt by his
actions, but I felt as if every time he left, a sharp pin was being inserted slowly into my heart.

“You know what you need to do?” Alice had said after one of his many exits.

“What?” I asked glumly from where I was now slouched in the armchair.

“Find someone to introduce as your boyfriend and make him jealous. Then he‟ll stop avoiding
you and he‟ll practically be forced to talk to you and sort things out,” she suggested, as if it were
the most simply thing in the world.

“No,” I said flatly. I felt a pooling sense of dread in my stomach at the mere mention of using
anyone to intentionally hurt Edward. Besides, if he didn‟t confront me about it, I‟d feel even
more lost than I already was.

“Why not?” Alice asked, sounding a bit shocked at my refusal.

“Because I don‟t want to,” I elaborated, hoping she‟d get the message and stop. She looked
miffed as she sank back in the chair.

Emmett cleared his throat pointedly and when I looked over to him, his face was flickering with
a strangely unreadable emotion. He shook his head to himself and I sat up a bit in my seat. I was
disappointed when instead of saying whatever was really going through his head, he changed the
subject.

“Alice, where‟s Jasper?” he asked, obviously trying to divert her from plotting against his
brother anymore. I tried to hide the smile that crept onto my face as she took the bait without a
bat of the eyelash.

“He‟ll be here soon,” Alice answered, waving him off. “He had to finish up something at the
studio.”

“Hey Alice, when are you going to get that brother of mine to give you a ring?” Rosalie asked,
sounding uncharacteristically cheerful as she sauntered into the living room from the kitchen.

Alice‟s countenance suddenly brightened and she jumped up from her armchair.

“What do you know?!” she asked, obviously excited.

Rosalie threw her head back and laughed delightedly.

“Nothing, really,” she admitted. “But really…I‟ve been waiting for him to ask me to go ring
shopping with him since the day he met you and I‟m getting quite impatient.”

“You‟re not the only one,” Alice sighed dramatically, sinking back into her chair. Rosalie
laughed again and I fought down a flare of jealousy that Alice was able to connect with her in a
way I‟d never been able to.

Rosalie disappeared back into the kitchen with a grin and Alice soon hopped up to join her where
she was giving me a break from cooking by putting something together for tonight.

“Thank God,” Emmett sighed. “All that marriage talk makes me nervous.”

I let out a soft, understanding giggle and nodded my head. Emmett cleared his throat again and
shook his head as if to clear his head of the thought. I smiled slyly at hi, wondering how averse
he really was to the idea. His mind, however, seemed to have wandered elsewhere.

“Do you have any plans for later tonight, Bella?” Emmett asked suddenly. I started and gave him
a calculating look.

“Um, no?” I answered tentatively.

“Feel like going to listen to a local band play for a few hours down at Grizzly‟s?” he asked.

Confused, I tried to process his question, but not being able to decode his bizarre question, I
countered, “Aren‟t you in a little too deep with Rosalie to be asking me on a date, Emmett?”

Emmett grinned at me and reclined on the couch.

“Oh, I wouldn‟t be going with you. I never did like hearing crappy local bands who can‟t even
play their guitars properly,” he explained and my heart constricted in my chest. Suddenly, I knew
exactly where he was going with this line of discussion.

“No,” I found myself saying for the second time that night. It was a lot harder to say it this time.

“Why not?” Emmett asked casually. “My sources say whoever is playing tonight is really quite
good for a local band.”

“Emmett,” I warned him.

“Relax, Bella,” Emmett placated me. “I won‟t force you to go or anything. It was just a

suggestion.”

I sank against the chair against just as Rosalie called that dinner was ready. Emmett bounded up
from the couch and all but ran to the dining room to get first dibs. I sat staring at the coffee table,
wishing that the wood grains would give some sort of definitive answer to all of life‟s problems.
They were saved from that explanation by a rap at the door.

“I‟ll get it,” I called hastily and scrambled up from the armchair.

As I went to open the door, a small irrational part of me hoped for Edward on the other side of
the door even though I knew he would have had no reason to knock. Instead, when I swung it
open, a very tired Jasper stood there. I tried to keep the disappointment off my face.

“Hey, Bella,” he greeted me mildly.

“Hey,” I replied, forcefully injecting a bit of happiness into my tone. Jasper seemed a little too
tired to notice my faked enthusiasm and nodded in my direction before heading off to the kitchen
to meet up with the rest of the group. As soon as he had left the hallway, I sighed and leaned
against the wall. Biting down on my lip, I mulled over Emmett‟s thinly veiled suggestion that I
try to meet up with Edward tonight.

Heaving another sigh, I shrugged to myself. I knew I had to make it through this dinner with my
happily coupled friends before I could go anywhere near Grizzly‟s Tavern tonight. I headed
reluctantly back to the dining room.

I walked into the room and took my seat at the table silently as my friends chattered on. Alice
shot me a questioning look across the table and I forced a smile on my face, but my mind was
already a million miles away.

“Are you feeling alright, Bella?” Alice‟s voice cut through my hazy thoughts.

“Hmm?” I looked up in surprise from where I had been staring at my food.

“I asked if you were feeling alright. You look kind of sick,” Alice repeated herself slowly. Her
forehead creased and she reached across the table to lay a hand on mine presumably to check my
temperature. “Maybe I should take you home.”

“Don‟t be silly, Alice,” I shook her off, but nevertheless saw my way out of the rest of tonight.
Emmett seemed to follow my line of thought for once and broke into the conversation.

“Bella, you really do look a bit pale,” he offered. “Why don‟t you just catch a cab home or
something?”

I nodded, pretending to be a bit put out by the idea.

“A cab?” Alice asked incredulously. “Don‟t be silly, I‟ll take you home.”

“I don‟t want to ruin your night, Alice,” I explained. “A cab is fine.”

“I‟ll call one for you,” Emmett offered a bit too hastily. Alice shot him a questioning look but
thankfully, she let it go and gave me a quick hug. After Jasper and Rosalie had bid me a quiet
goodnight, I followed Emmett to the kitchen where he was already on the phone with the cab
company.

As soon as he hung up, he winked at me and gave me a one-armed hug before walking me
towards the door. He opened the door for me and swatted me as I walked outside.

“Go get him, kid,” he called quietly after me and I gave him a small wave as I made my way out
to the curb to wait for the cab.

--

Grizzly‟s Tavern was a smoky bar downtown that was infamous for showcasing local bands that
would eventually go on to make some sort of name for themselves or descend into anonymity
once again. It follows, of course, that it was a favorite haunt of many music aficionados who
were looking for the next big thing to hit the scene.

Tonight there was an especially guitar-heavy quartet that was screaming away on stage while a
large group of twenty-somethings jumped in the crowd. I tried not to curl my lip in distaste. I
was always more drawn to a softer rock; I rarely enjoyed this brand of music. Scanning the
smoke-filled lounge, I didn‟t spot Edward in the crowd when I walked in. Feeling my heart sink
a bit in disappointment, I meandered over to the bar, hoping that maybe I‟d catch a glimpse of
him as the night wore on and that my coming here hadn‟t been a total waste.

I had been sitting alone for nearly fifteen minutes when I was approached by a scruffy blonde
man who looked as if had tried a bit too hard to make his hair look disheveled. I gave him a thin
smile and sipped my glass of water to avoid having to speak immediately.

“Hey, I‟m Tyler,” he introduced himself with a wide, toothy grin.

“Bella,” I replied. I couldn‟t resist sweeping the lounge behind him, searching for a way out of
this conversation. Unfortunately, there seemed no escape in sight.

“So what‟s a pretty girl like you doing here alone?” he asked, leaning against the bar. It was
pretty obvious he thought he looked fairly charming doing this and when he ran his hand through
his hair, I almost choked on my water.

Before I could even fully recover from nearly choking, however, a deep, angry voice interrupted.

“She‟s not here alone, actually,” the voice said and I stiffened with recognition. How was it the
moment I stopped looking for him, Edward showed up?

“Sorry,” I apologized insincerely to Tyler, who looked, for his part, a bit disappointed as Edward
wrapped his arm loosely around my waist for good measure. Tyler seemed to get the message
and with a slight nod in Edward‟s direction, quickly vacated the area. As soon as he was gone,
Edward removed his arm and instead, grabbed my wrist and began to forcefully lead me away
from the bar.

“Hey!” I cried and tried to jerk away from him but he didn‟t relent. I stumbled after him, barely
able to keep up with his furious pace.

“What are doing here?” he asked, throwing the question over his shoulder.

“Does this mean you‟re done avoiding me?” I asked, trying to inject as much venom as possible
into my tone and also trying to put off answering that particular question. Besides, I was getting
sick of this hot and cold routine.

“I haven‟t been avoiding you,” he argued, without turning around to look at me as he continued
to drag me by the arm to a quiet, deserted corner of the lounge.

“Really?” I muttered. “Could have fooled me.”

I wasn‟t sure if he heard me or not, but he chose that moment to stop short and spin me around so
that I was pressed against a very cold, very concrete wall. I swallowed down a very colorful
phrase to throw at him and instead settled on a glare leveled in his direction.

“Bella,” he practically growled. “What are you doing here?”

I shrugged as casually as I could and tried to call Emmett‟s words from earlier to mind.

“I felt like listening to some live music tonight,” I answered, meeting his icy glare defiantly.

“Who told you I was going to be here? Emmett?” he questioned, searching for the answers in my
eyes. I had to avert my gaze from his probing before I could collect my thoughts enough to
answer him.

“No one. I just happened to come here,” I said, shrugging again for good measure. I prayed
silently that I was coming across as casual and not like a nervous, pitiful excuse for a woman
(which I was). When his eyes turned doubtful, I added offhandedly, “Not everything has to do
with you, Edward.”

His hand slipped from my wrist suddenly and he leaned it instead against the wall I still leaned
against. I took in a staggered breath as I realized just how close we had somehow gotten. The ice
had melted from his eyes and the atmosphere around us shifted very suddenly and decisively.

I let my head fall back against the wall, ignoring the thud I both felt and heard as it made contact
with the concrete, and closed my eyes. I willed myself away from this moment, away from this
place and most importantly, away from Edward who was at the same time entirely too close to

me and way too far away from me.

“Bella,” he murmured, the anger in his voice had been replaced by concern and the small,
traitorous flicker of hope inside of me sputtered for a brief moment. I squeezed my eyes shut
even tighter, feeling the burning presence of tears begin to make itself known. It wasn‟t until I
felt the pad of his thumb gently brushing my cheek that I realized I‟d let a few tears leak.

I blinked, opening my eyes and looking at him through the blurred lenses. His face was mask of
emotions as he stared down at me and I took that moment to notice that his other arm had risen
up to lean against the wall on the other side of my head. I tried not to notice the veins that were
popping out from his forearms as he formed a human cage around me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked for the third time. His voice was bone-melting in its
hushed, velvet quality and I had to swallow heavily against the sudden shock of desire I felt
rocket through me.

“I wanted to talk to you,” I confessed, the words slipping from my lips before I could stop or
regret them.

“What about?” he murmured and I felt him shift a little closer. My eyes flickered for a brief
moment to his lips and I couldn‟t stop myself from sucking my bottom lip in to chew on as the
memory of exactly how his lips felt against mine. When my eyes finally made their way back up
to his, I knew he was following my train of thought by the darkened shade of green in his eyes.
My stomach plummeted.

“W-what?” I asked, stumbling over my words. I had no hope of remembering exactly what
question he had asked even just a moment before. Not when he was standing so close to me.

“What did you want to talk to me about, Bella?” he repeated and stepped a bit away from me.
Inwardly, I mourned the loss of his body so close to mine, but outwardly I tried to collect myself
and stop staring at his lips. No good would come from me staring at Edward‟s lips.

“I-I…uhm….” I fumbled for something to say until finally a question formed in my barely
coherent brain. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I already answered that,” Edward pointed out gently and one of his hands fell from the wall. My
eyes followed it to his side and I swallowed again.

“Can we go somewhere else for this?” I asked hopefully, suddenly very aware of the smoke and
guitar-filled room that surrounded us.

Edward sighed heavily and threw a glance towards the band on stage and then nodded to me. The
small candle of hope I had fostered inside of me flickered once again as Edward silently took my
hand and led me from Grizzly‟s into the dimly lit street.

8.

Edward
--

The cool air outside slapped me in the face the moment I pushed my way out of Grizzly‟s,
pulling Bella behind me. I shook my head, trying to dispel the smoke and haziness that swirled
around inside that was making it difficult for me to think clearly. I definitely needed my wits if I
was going to have any sort of conversation with Bella.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked her, trying to keep the rough edge I felt inside from
creeping into my voice. She flinched, but it seemed more reflex than reaction.

“Um - there‟s a coffeehouse down the street,” she mumbled. She tucked a stray wisp of hair
away and my eyes involuntarily followed the curve of her ear.

“Okay,” I agreed, not really processing her words until she nodded and taking advantage of my
slackened grip, shook herself loose of me and started walking briskly down the street. I hurried
after her in silence and managed to duck into the almost deserted coffeehouse before the door
could fully swing shut behind her.

She breezed past the counter and the bored barista barely even glanced up from the book she had
propped on her register. I made my way a little more slowly and by the time I made it over to her
table of choice; she was already situating herself in a chair.

“So,” I asked as I sat down across the table from her. “What exactly do you want to talk to me
about?”

Bella didn‟t answer immediately; instead she leaned forward on her elbows and creased her
forehead as she studied me from her seat across the small table between us. She looked to be
calculating what she would say next which seemed to be a habit she‟d developed in the time I‟d
been gone. The Bella I had known blurted out her mind on a pretty regular basis. This reserve
that had grown inside her was surprising and I was still getting used to it from the limited contact
I‟d had with her.

“It‟s been really hard for me...” she started and then cleared her throat. “What I mean is - since
we didn‟t really have a clean break, I had a really hard time moving on and I guess I just want
to...sort of, tie up some loose ends that have been nagging at me since you left.”

I stared down at the nicked surface of the coffee table as her words tumbled through my mind.
My hand involuntarily rose to cup my neck, rubbing the tense muscles there in an attempt to
make myself calm my suddenly exacerbated nerves.

I looked around us to ascertain that we were still relatively alone. I wasn‟t really comfortable
having this conversation myself; I would have been even more uncomfortable if there had been
people around us to eavesdrop on it.

Bella seemed to take my silence as confirmation that she could continue.

“How was Chicago?” she asked, starting small.

“That‟s not really a loose end,” I pointed out, not being able to stop the sarcasm from injecting
itself into the conversation. I amended myself with a soft, “It was fine though.”

She cleared her throat again.

“Edward?” she asked quietly and my eyes snapped to her face. She hesitated and I watched as
she gripped the table so hard her knuckles were beginning to turn white. “I - um - well, I wanted
to ask you something that might seem a little vague.”

“Okay,” I heard myself answering automatically. My eyes were still on her deathly white
knuckles.

“Emmett told me that I needed to be ready to forgive you for something...” she trailed off
expectantly and I froze, a jolt of displeasure rocking me. All the renewed filial affection I‟d been
feeling since I returned home fled remarkably quickly inside of me. “What did he mean?”

I sighed, unfreezing myself and slumping back in my chair.

“This wasn‟t exactly how I wanted to tell you,” I admitted and tugged at my hair as I stalled for
time. Bella shifted closer to me and her brown eyes implored me silently to reveal the lie I‟d
perpetuated for two years. “Bella,” I placated her before launching into the story, “it‟s probably
not what you‟re thinking.”

“I want to know anyway,” she insisted, shaking her head at me.

I threw a desperate glance around the coffeehouse, suddenly desperately wishing for some kind
of distraction that I‟d been so careful to avoid a few moments earlier.

“I...lied to you,” I started gingerly, trying to find the best way to say it.

Bella‟s eyes darkened across the table but she said nothing.

“When I left,” I elaborated. “I told you I had an internship in Chicago. Well, the truth was, I
didn‟t.”

She blinked, obviously confused and I sighed.

“Bella, I don‟t think you know what you did to me every time you refused to even talk about
marriage with me. It killed me a little inside every time I heard you say that you didn‟t want it
when I so badly wanted to see my ring on your finger,” I rushed to explain. “I‟m not saying
that‟s a good excuse for what I did, but I don‟t know how much more I could have taken. I did it
out of self-preservation in a way, but mostly I did it because I thought you would be happier
without me constantly bugging you about marriage. I put a lot of thought into it.”

I paused to take a breath. Bella sucked in one as well and shook her head to herself.

“I‟m not sure I understand what you‟re telling me,” she confessed in a broken voice.

“I didn‟t have an internship,” I repeated myself. “I didn‟t even have a job waiting for me in
Chicago, actually. I chose it arbitrarily. It was just somewhere to go that was going to take me
away from you and give you a chance to live a life without me messing up your plans.”

She was shaking her head in earnest now and I wanted nothing more than to get up from my seat
and comfort her but I knew she would probably push me away.

“What do you mean messing up my plans?” she articulated finally. She wasn‟t looking at me
anymore; instead, she was rubbing her temples as she glared at the table. I was caught off guard
by her question.

“Bella, you made it pretty clear you didn‟t want what I wanted for us,” I explained to her. She
stiffened and her hand, mid-way through her hair froze. Her eyes were baleful when they met
mine and I shifted uncomfortably at the steel in her usually warm gaze.

“You have no idea what I wanted,” she hissed. “And you had no right to leave me like that.”

“Bella -” I started, but she stopped me with a hand gesture. Her fingers rubbed her temple very
delicately and she was staring beyond me, out through the black window that peered into the
empty street.

“How could you not have had an internship?” she asked, slumping suddenly in her chair. My
stomach twisted to see her sadness, but I felt the wall between us growing more tangible than it
had ever been and it was all my doing.

“I lived off some savings I had and worked freelance for a bit until I got a staff position at a
paper up there,” I explained carefully. She closed her eyes against my words and her mouth
twisted into a frown.

“I still don‟t understand,” she confessed. Her voice was barely above a whisper and I wondered
if I was supposed to hear it at all.

“I just wanted you to be happy,” I stressed and leaned heavily on my elbows towards her. I
wanted to reach out and take her hand in mine and feel the way it fit so perfectly inside my own
again, but I checked myself, instead burying them in my hair. “I thought the best way to let you

have what you wanted was to remove myself from your life.”

She pursed her lips silently and her nails scraped lightly against the wood grains of the table. The
almost complete silence around us made me tense and I shifted uncomfortably, wanting to be
anywhere but here.

“Oh, Edward,” she sighed finally.

Her words jolted me painfully, but it didn‟t cut nearly as deep the wounded look in her eyes
when they sought out mine. I couldn‟t stop myself from reaching out and grasping her hand. She
didn‟t flinch or pull away like I expected her too, but opted to squeeze my hand gently within
hers.

She studied our hands, turning mine over in hers again and again, and I relished the way her
fingers slid gently over the calluses and lines. I let her continue for another minute or so before I
grabbed her hand to still it and twisted her fingers in mine. She bit her lip and her eyes strayed
upwards towards mine again and she looked strangely guilty. She didn‟t give me a chance to ask
why.

“Can you believe I‟ve been anything but?” she asked, her voice low and regretful.

“Anything but what?” I pressed.

“Happy,” she supplied. I almost didn‟t hear her, but as the word fell between us, my stomach
clenched painfully.

Unsure of what to say, I cleared my throat and ran a hand through my hair. I felt as if I had just
had a twenty pound weight tied around my neck. My mind raced with a million things I wanted
to ask her about the time we‟d spent apart but nothing came out. Instead, I sat staring across the
table at her, trying desperately to scrutinize the terribly sad look in her eyes.

Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice intruded on the bubble we‟d been in.

“I‟m sorry, but we have to close,” a girl‟s hesitant statement reached us at the same time. Bella,
startled, pulled her hand from mine and muttered an apology before practically leaping to her
feet and walking purposefully from the lounge.

“Sorry,” I apologized to the girl briefly before racing after Bella. She hadn‟t gone far. Standing
on the curb, she was trying unsuccessfully to hail a non-existent cab.

“I can give you a ride if you‟d like,” I heard myself offering. I kicked myself mentally and tried
to hide my wince as she turned around, still looking a bit skittish.

“You don‟t have to,” she insisted, shaking her head and turning back to the street, which was still
devoid of cabs.

“Bella,” I said softly, stepping closer to her. “It‟s after midnight; you shouldn‟t be riding in a cab
alone at this time of night anyway. Let me take you home.”

She huffed and did her best to look offended, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she
could see my point. Her shoulders slumped slightly and she gestured silently for me to lead the
way.

“It‟s right around the corner,” I said before leading her in the right direction.

She nodded.

Her lips were pressed tightly against each other as we reached the car and I opened the door for
her. It was obvious she was finished talking to me for the night. I sighed, tugging at my hair,
before I walked over to climb in on my side.

“Do you still live -?” I started to ask.

“Yes.” She cut me off before I could finish, then turned her face to the window. I took in her
profile for a moment, noticing again the bags under her eyes and the slight frown that tugged
down at her lips. I itched childishly to point out that she was the one who wanted to talk to me
tonight, but I knew not to pick that battle with her.

I let her sit in silence and drove carefully home, thankful that I remembered the way to her
apartment after being gone so long so I didn‟t have to ask directions. I pulled into the dark lot
about thirty minutes later and she was fumbling with her seatbelt almost as soon as I cut the
engine.

I jumped out of the car after her, scanning the parking lot cautiously before opening her door and
offering her a hand. She took it with a small smile of thanks and I nodded in return.

Bella led the way to her apartment and I followed behind at a short distance. She wasted no time
looking for her keys and shoving the right one into the door as soon as she reached it. She
opened her door, letting it swing open slowly before turning to me.

“Thank you for the ride, Edward,” she murmured and rolled her shoulders back to stand a little
straighter as she faced me. I smiled and inclined my head towards her as she started to disappear
into the darkened apartment.

“Bella?” I called tentatively just as she was about to close the door. She paused and turned
around questioningly.

“Yeah?”

“I wasn‟t happy without you either,” I confessed with a deep swallow and then turned quickly,
leaving her staring after me in silence.

9.

Bella

--

I felt like a zombie as I lay in bed later that night. I was still in my jeans and I smelled like smoke
and coffee, but I didn‟t have the strength to change. My mind was flipping torturously through
every frame of Edward it had captured tonight and I let it, not even trying to intervene.

God, I still loved him. I had said it out loud and I had told myself I knew it to be true a hundred
times already, but it had finally hit me like a ton of bricks to the gut that I was still unbelievably
in love with Edward. When I had closed the door behind him earlier tonight, I suddenly just
realized that I didn‟t want him to go, no matter how upset I was with him, and that I was no
longer just seeking closure, I was trying to find a way back to him. That instant realization had
zapped me of all the bravado I had been running on these past few weeks.

I‟d spent the last few hours trying my best to muster up some anger towards him, but I just
couldn‟t. It wasn‟t fair how he could tell me the last two years of misery were absolutely
pointless and all I could feel was frustration at myself, not at him. It wasn‟t fair that I could
forgive him so easily for something so huge. Did he even deserve to be forgiven?

I knew my game of „closure‟ was up; it had probably been up for a while now and I just hadn‟t
realized it. There would never be closure where Edward was concerned and I think I‟d always
known that at least. I could know every little tiny aspect of why he left and what he thought of us
now and I still wouldn‟t be able to get over him because he was it. Edward was the end of line
for me.

I tried not to be depressed by the thought that if I didn‟t find a way to fix things with Edward, I
would almost certainly never find someone else who could make me feel and think the way he
did.

I turned to my side to stare at my phone, willing it to ring and save me from my thoughts. It
didn‟t.

I sighed and lay flat on my back, squeezing my eyes shut as tears stung gently. Fisting my hands
in my hair and tugging, I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stumbled from my room. I
tripped blearily down the hallway, observing wryly to myself that I was more coordinated while
drunk than I was right now. Finally, I stopped in front of Alice‟s door and after a deep breath, I
rapped loudly.

“Alice!” I called, my voice coming out raspy and indistinct. There was no answer. I knocked

again. “Alice?”

I slowly turned her knob and pushed the door open. My stomach dropped when I saw her bed
was empty, the cover and pillows perfectly arranged. She must have gone to Jasper‟s for the
night. I groaned, leaning against the doorframe and staring blankly at the empty bed, unsure of
what to do next. I needed to talk to someone or I might go crazy. Alice was usually so good
about knowing when I would need to talk to her and the one time I really, truly needed her to be
there to hold me and instill me with some her infallible logic, she was missing. Great.

I was contemplating calling Alice when there was a soft, almost inaudible knock on the
apartment door. I nearly jumped out of my skin at the disturbance of the almost perfect quiet, but
after a moment of gathering my thoughts, made my way wearily to the door, not even bothering
to peer through the peephole to see who was outside. At this hour, it was probably Emmett
coming to egg me on some more. Exactly what I didn‟t need. Exactly what had gotten me in so
deep in the first place.

I prepared myself with a deep breath before swinging the door open and starting in on him.

“Emmett, go -” The words died on my lips as I took in the man who was decidedly not Emmett. I
swallowed hard. “You‟re not Emmett,” I observed shakily.

“No, I‟m not,” Edward replied, his eyes dark with emotion. My hand grabbed the doorknob
shakily and I tried not to gape as he held up a hand. He cleared his throat and continued, “I - uh -
I couldn‟t sleep.”

I nodded dumbly and sucked in a deep breath to stabilize myself before I stepped aside to let him
in. He didn‟t budge. I cast my eyes downwards, not able to meet his any longer. I concentrated
instead on breathing evenly while I stared at his beat-up tennis shoes.

Then, his hand was suddenly on my chin, guiding my face upwards to make eye contact with his
again. I exhaled loudly as I took in his uncertain, pained look. It matched my own feelings too
closely not to hit me hard. I took a halting step towards him, but stopped myself as he opened his
mouth, searching for words to fill our silence.

“Bella...I...I wanted to...” he trailed off and dropped his hand from my face in obvious
frustration. My skin burned where his fingers had been and my eyes trailed after his hand. He
cleared his throat awkwardly and I was broken from my trance.

“Edward, come inside,” I said softly, paying with the door knob to hide my nerves.

“I don‟t know if I should,” he replied just as quietly, his voice sounding almost strangled.
Contrary to his own judgment it seemed, he stepped inside and I leaned against the door as I
closed it. I sagged a bit inside, seeing him here in my apartment‟s foyer after so long. I was
immediately transported back to the time in our life when it wouldn‟t have been against anyone‟s
better judgment for him to be standing there, but I shook away the swirl of memories for the real
thing standing in front of me, looking nervous.

“Do you want some coffee or a beer or something?” I offered, for lack of something better to
say. I fidgeted with my hands, pulling on my joints nervously, as his eyes swept over me in
careful observation.

“You haven‟t slept either, have you?” he asked, ignoring my offer completely.

I sighed and shook my head in admission, letting my shoulders drop as I gave up the illusion of
being pulled together. He‟d always been able to see through all my acting anyway. Heading over
to the couch, I threw myself down to sit and patted the space next to me as a non-verbal
invitation for him to join me there. He hesitated in the hallway before slowly following me and
settling uncomfortably next to me, at a careful, no-contact distance. I tried not to let the sting of
the distance show on my face, but it was doubtful I succeeded.

I curled up on my side of the couch instead, carefully tucking my legs beneath me while he
leaned forward to rest his forearms on his knees. I leaned my head against the couch as I watched
him gather his thoughts. I wondered at his sudden appearance here just at the moment when I had
been despairing at being alone. I couldn‟t decide if I was happy he was here or just terribly
confused. Either way, it wasn‟t the first time in my life that I felt as if he could read my mind,
impossible as it may be.

“Edward,” I whispered finally after a few more minutes of him staring down at his clenched
hands. I scooted closer to him on the couch and reached out to pull his hair from his eyes gently,
unblocking the view of his deep green eyes. He flinched slightly and I started to pull away,
feeling I had gone too far, but he caught my hand in his instead, squeezing it. I sank against the
couch readily and let my fingers intertwine with his when he began to play with them.

“I don‟t even know why I‟m here,” he confessed quietly. His face was carefully blank as he
spoke, but his eyes betrayed his emotion. “It‟s just that I was home and I was trying to go to bed
and all I could think about was you and then suddenly I was in my car, driving over here.”

His thumb ran in circles over my knuckles and I shifted a little closer as his voice dropped to an
almost inaudible level.

“I know that I shouldn‟t be here. I have no right to be here, but I just...” he trailed off, nervously
fidgeting in place and looking as if he might bolt at any moment. I knew the feeling.

“Edward,” I stopped him before he could continue on. The words tumbled from me before I
could even fully realize their truth. “I‟m glad you came back.”

He looked up in surprise and I met his eyes determinedly, biting my lip.

“Really?” he asked sincerely. I nodded, my throat constricting painfully at the sudden light in his
eyes.

“Really.”

The sincerity in my own voice surprised even me.

He blew out a relieved sigh and some of the tension that held him captive left his body visibly.
Tentatively, I reached out and wrapped my arms around him in a hug. After a moment of
hesitation, his arms pulled me close and I sank thankfully into his uncertain embrace. A feeling
of déja vu swept over me as his presence enveloped me after so long. His scent assaulted me
almost immediately and taking advantage of his closeness, I drank it in, knowing I wouldn‟t have
the opportunity for long.

Finally, pulling back from his arms, I blushed a bit at my actions, finding it impossible to meet
his eyes. His hands came up to brush my hair from my face and he smiled softly. His eyes found
their way to mine - searching and sad.

“Kiss me,” I whispered without thinking. My voice was husky from emotion and I felt vaguely
hazy at having his body as such a close proximity.

He stiffened beside me and I watched as his Adam‟s apple bobbed quickly in his throat.

“Bella, I don‟t think -” he started.

“Can we just stop thinking?” I pleaded, cutting him off. Shifting so I was almost in his lap, I
cupped his face gently in my hand to drag his eyes forcibly to mine. “I‟m tired of thinking about
everything we shouldn‟t be doing, because honestly, all I want is to be with you.”

I regretted the words almost immediately as his face fell blank under my gaze and I pulled back
minutely, feeling the weight of my confession heavy between us. I had crossed the unspoken line
we‟d been dancing around since he‟d come home and there was no going back now.

I held my breath as wordlessly, he traced the line of my jaw with his finger and his eyes fell from
mine. He looked painfully uncertain as his eyes followed his fingers‟ movements. I shivered at
the contact, feeling every small touch all the way down to my toes. I felt hyper-aware of every
part of my body that was touching him, craving the tingling, familiar feeling that was shooting
through me all of a sudden.

One his hands fell to my hip and his thumb circled the exposed skin there where my shirt has
ridden up on my stomach. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he gently grabbed my side and
guided me the rest of the way onto his lap. He studied me seriously as I slid down to a more
comfortable position. I took in a deep breath to calm my racing pulse, but I was too far gone to
be any semblance of calm by now. My eyes fell to his lips automatically and I sucked in my own
as I flashed back to the scene in Grizzly‟s earlier that evening. My mind irrationally wondered if
it had really only been mere hours ago that we had been together in the bar; it felt more like days.

“Bella,” Edward murmured softly, snapping me back to the present moment. I leaned closer to
him with a sigh as his hands played with the hem of my shirt, brushing the skin there torturously.
Feeling a bit weak at the slightly unexpected contact, I let my forehead fall against his, never

letting my eyes leave his still questioning, deep green ones.

My breathing was ragged and my hands were shaking; the moment was far from perfect. His
movements were slow and calculated as if he was sure I would scream at him to get out at any
minute, but impossibly, his lips finally ghosted against mine carefully.

The moment I felt his lips against mine, I pressed myself desperately forward, losing any
modicum of control I had left. His lips responded feverishly and he pulled me closer, threading
his fingers in my hair and holding me fast. I moaned in response, shifting in his lap as desire
surged demandingly through me.

Suddenly the outside world seemed very far away and the two years that had passed since the
last time I had kissed him hardly mattered; the only thing that mattered was that his arms were
around me and his lips were on mine again.

10.

Edward.

--

“I love you,” I whispered quietly as Bella pulled away slowly from the kiss. Tears were pooled
visibly in her dark eyes and I wondered how far I was away from the same condition. Her hand
came up to gently cup my cheek and I was beginning to wonder if I‟d spoken aloud or not.

“I love you, too,” she replied finally, nodding slowly to herself, her eyes trained on her hand. A
single tear spilled from her eye and my arms tightened instinctively around her.

“Don‟t be sad,” I said, my voice hoarse with emotion.

“I think it‟s impossible not to be right now,” she replied after a moment, sounding a bit choked
up. Her eyes finally dragged upwards to meet mine and I felt a pain stab straight through me at
the sight. She shifted to the side and moved so that she was cradled against my chest. I buried my
face in her neck, breathing in her scent and hoping she wouldn‟t leave now that I finally had her
back in my arms.

“Oh, Edward,” she whispered after several minutes of silence had stretched between us. “What
have we done to ourselves?”

I closed my eyes as the question resonated inside me and I heard the hurt laced in her voice. Her
fingers slowly ghosted along my jaw, followed by her soft lips, until they reached my mouth.
Her thumb creased along my lip before she kissed me gently. This kiss was a million miles away
from the one we had shared earlier in the night. There was no desperation in this kiss, only

sadness. And I knew in that moment, as her mouth lingered against mine, that I would do
anything to make her happy again.

“I‟m sorry for so much, Bella,” I said, swallowing hard. She shook her head and kissed me again
instead of answering. I hugged her to me as she rested her head on my shoulder, still shaking it
from side to side.

“I‟m sorry for a lot of things too,” she murmured into my ear, her voice humming against my
skin in a wonderful way. Her hand found its way to mine and her fingers laced themselves in
mine. I sighed at the comfort that simple action gave me and let my head fall against the couch.
She lay against me comfortably, every curve of her body perfectly molded to mine, just as it had
always been. I couldn‟t fathom how I had ever mustered up enough determination to leave
something so obviously perfect. I would never be able to do it again, that was certain.

“Will you stay tonight?” she asked softly, pleadingly.

“I‟ll do whatever you want me to do,” I answered immediately, squeezing her hand in mine.

“I want you to stay.”

I nodded and kissed the side of her neck that exposed to me. She shivered visibly before slowly
unfolding herself from my arms and pulling away. I watched silently as she rose and held a hand
out to me to lead me to her room. I took it without hesitation.

--

I woke up to the sun glaring at me through Bella‟s open blinds and with Bella herself still curled
against my side fast asleep. I shifted uncomfortably in my wrinkled clothes that I still had on
from last night to look for the time. Her bedside clock read that it almost ten and I silently
thanked God that it was Saturday and I wasn‟t missing work. I hoped that Bella hadn‟t been
expected in at the restaurant today because by the looks of things she wouldn‟t be getting out of
bed anytime soon and I didn‟t particularly want her to either as long as I could stay there with
her.

I ran my hand gently through her tangled, dark hair as my eyes swept around her room, taking in
the changes. Most of the furniture had stayed the same, but there was a distinct shift in the
atmosphere of the room that I hadn‟t noticed last night. Things were more organized and less
haphazard; a sign that she really did have more time to spend at home like Emmett had said.

I hadn‟t fully believed Emmett when he had told me Bella had finally at least partially given
away some responsibility for the restaurant. It had always been a point of contention between us
and she had always been frustratingly unbudging about it. She hadn‟t wanted to hire a business
manager for the restaurant because she felt like she could do it all herself, but while she was
handling it, it left hardly any time for us. I filed away the conversation about how and why that
change had come to her life for a later time however.

“Edward,” a voice hissed in the relative silence of the room. I jumped slightly at the sound and
looked up to see Alice, hands on hips, standing in the slightly ajar doorway. She crooked a finger
at me in beckoning before heading out to the kitchen. I sighed, reluctant to leave Bella, but
knowing that her pushy roommate would probably have no qualms about forcefully dragging me
out of bed if I didn‟t peacefully come out now.

I slowly disentangled myself from Bella, kissing her softly on the forehead, before leaving the
warm bed and her room. I headed down the hallway to kitchen where I found Alice tapping her
foot impatiently.

“Did you sleep with her?” she asked bluntly the moment I walked into the room. Taken aback, I
stared at her for a moment before casting a pointed look at my rumpled clothes from last night
that I was still wearing. “Answer me anyway,” she pleaded, her tough demeanor breaking
momentarily.

“No, not in that sense,” I complied before heading over to the waiting coffee machine and
pouring myself a mug.

“Good,” she sighed, sinking against the counter.

“Would it really have been all that bad if we did?” I asked curiously, trying to make out Alice‟s
motivation for this line of questioning.

“Yes,” she replied shortly, not offering further explanation. I quirked an eyebrow curiously. I
could see her point, but I wasn‟t going to let her know that yet. If Bella and I had slept together
last night, we very likely would have opened up a nasty can of worms.

Alice sighed, her leg bouncing up and down in obvious nervousness, and cast a look around the
kitchen.

“It‟s just that I don‟t want you hurting her again,” she said after a few moments of silence. “I was
there the last time you left her - I don‟t want to ever see her go through that again.”

“I‟m not going to leave her again,” I replied tersely, gripping the coffee mug in my hands tightly.

“Good, because I would be forced to come after you if you ever hurt her like that again,” she said
in a matter-of-fact fashion.

“Hey, what are you two talking about?” Bella‟s tired voice interrupted our conversation before I
could reply. Alice‟s expression instantly brightened as Bella walked into the kitchen and I did
my best to mirror her attitude.

“Nothing important,” Alice said breezily. “I have to get going. I‟m supposed to meet Jasper at
his studio in a little bit.”

“Jasper?” I questioned, the name ringing a bell for me.

“My boyfriend,” Alice supplied automatically.

“Jasper Whitlock?” I elaborated.

“Yes...how do you know him?” Alice asked curiously while buzzing around gathering her things
in the living room. Bella meanwhile was sipping off Alice‟s unfinished mug of coffee and
obviously only half-listening, lost in her thoughts. I pulled my eyes away from the charming
picture Bella made to focus on Alice and who her boyfriend was for a moment.

“I - uh - met him briefly at my welcome home party, but then...” I trailed off, unsure of how to
put into words the profound distraction that Bella had been for me that night. She caught my eye
from across the kitchen and small, tired smile quirked at the corners of her mouth.

“Oh,” Alice commented, her eyes revealing that she too was far more interested in Bella‟s
behavior this morning than how I knew her boyfriend.

“Could you put me in contact with him maybe? I‟d really like to hear some of the bands he has
playing at his studio,” I prodded her, trying to get her to focus. Alice tore her eyes away from
scrutinizing Bella and seemed to snap to attention.

“Oh! Right...uh, I think I have a business card of his...maybe,” she said, shuffling through her
purse to finally pull out a small card with a business logo embossed on it. “There you go.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the card from her hand and putting in my pocket. I made a mental note
to call Jasper later in the week to set something up and then turned back to Bella who was
watching my interaction with her roommate in a bemused fashion. It was obvious she wasn‟t
fully awake yet.

“I‟ll see you guys later,” Alice said before hurrying toward the door, but not without one last
studious glance at Bella‟s expression. She must have passed inspection because Alice left
quickly after that.

“You can go back to sleep. you know,” I said quietly as I took in Bella‟s slouched form leaning
against the kitchen counter.

“That‟s okay,” she yawned. “Once I‟m up, I‟m up. Besides I think I need to go in to work this
afternoon.”

My heart dropped a little at that, but I carefully kept my disappointment from creeping onto my
face. Bella walked over to me slowly, leaving her mug on the table, and wrapped her arms
around me in a tight hug.

“Thank you for staying,” she murmured against my shirt, not pulling away. I hugged her back,
unable to find my voice at the moment. She pulled back after a few moments and ran a hand
through her hair, looking unsure of herself suddenly.

“What is it?” I asked, concerned.

“It‟s just...” she sighed and leaned her back against the counter before raising her eyes to meet
mine. “Where do we go from here?”

Her eyes were wide with sincere confusion and I wanted nothing more than to pull her into a
tight embrace again but instead I leaned on the counter next to her and grabbed her hand in mine,
lacing our fingers.

“I don‟t know,” I admitted after a moment.

“I‟m scared,” she whispered.

“Of what?”

“Of losing you again, of things falling apart, of everything,” she said, her grip tightened on my
hand and I pulled her towards me gently. She sank into my waiting arms eagerly, leaning her
forehead against my chest. It wasn‟t long before I felt her warm tears soaking through the thin
fabric of my t-shirt but I couldn‟t have cared less about it. I held her for as long as she would let
me before pulling away and wiping her eyes.

“I‟m sorry,” she said, shaking her head to herself as if ashamed.

“Don‟t be,” I assured her, my hand running softly up and down against her side.

“What were you and Alice really talking about?” she changed the subject abruptly, her forehead
wrinkling in thought. My eyebrows raised involuntarily at the question and I tried to wipe my
face clear of emotion, but Bella didn‟t buy my act this time. “Tell me, Edward,” she pleaded.

“She wanted to know what happened last night,” I explained, choosing my words with care.

“What else?” Bella prodded, her eyes narrowing.

“She was just trying to protect you,” I assured her soothingly. Bella relaxed a bit, but her
expression was still wary.

“She doesn‟t need to,” she said suddenly, her voice stronger than it had been all morning. I
looked up in surprise.

“Why not?” I asked. Alice had every right to protect Bella like that; she would have had every
right to kick me out of the apartment completely this morning if she had wanted to.

“Because...” Bella started and took a deep breath. “You won‟t hurt me like that again.”

I inhaled sharply as I took in her fierce expression and I hoped to God she was right about that. I

didn‟t want to ever put either of us through that again. I traced her lips gently with the pad of my
thumb before cupping her cheek and I could only hope that my eyes were telling her everything I
couldn‟t find the words for in that moment like „I love you more than anything in this world‟ and
„I never want to leave your side again‟.

She seemed to at least get the gist of my feelings as she pressed her mouth firmly against mine in
a determined and charged kiss that shot straight through me with its intenseness.

11.

Bella.

--

I didn‟t see Edward again for several days after that morning, but it almost felt better that way. I
had to get my head in the right order to see him again because he wreaked so much havoc on my
thought process when he was around.

Mostly I spent my time going back and forth between the restaurant and home, hoping that my
mind would at least get a few moments of peace from the worries that nagged me about Edward.
Although I had spoken confidently on that Friday, I was anything but confident about what was
happening. It was strange - it was everything I had been hoping would happen, but it still felt
uncomfortable and left me with a pool of dread in my stomach. I was waiting for things to fall
apart again, so I did the only thing that made sense at the moment. First, I holed myself up at
home for a few days and then I finally dragged myself out into the sunlight to meet Emmett at
the park and have him talk some sense into me.

I found him sitting alone on a park bench, watching a dog chase after a frisbee that a little boy
had thrown across the grass as he waited for me. He nodded to acknowledge my presence as I sat
down next to him and we sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before we ventured into
conversation.

“How are you feeling?” he asked finally, his eyes still trained on the little boy and the dog.

“Good...fine...I guess,” I answered, unsure of myself suddenly. I had no idea how I really felt. I
was a jumbled mess of emotions, to be honest.

Emmett snorted next to me and shifted so he had a fuller view of me. I quirked an eyebrow at his
doubtful expression, but didn‟t comment. Instead I studied my hands as I twisted them in my lap.

“Yeah, he‟s about the same,” Emmett commented off-handedly. I threw a nervous glance his
way, but he didn‟t even seem to notice. He was too deep in thought. “He‟s not acting like I
thought he would - and I don‟t know if that‟s a good thing or a very, very bad thing.”

I bit my lip, swallowing hard. He had a point, as much as I didn‟t like it. If I could have predicted
how Edward would have acted, this was pretty far off course. Normal Edward behavior was to
shut me off, not to welcome me back in, but I had chalked it up to the two years apart that had
maybe changed him a bit more than expected.

“It is weird,” I agreed. “It‟s different...I feel like I don‟t know him anymore even though he‟s
mostly the same. There‟s something different though that I haven‟t quite figured out yet.”

Emmett was quiet for a moment before responding, “He went through a lot when he left, you
know.”

I stiffened beside Emmett and squeeze my eyes shut to battle the sudden sharpening of light
around me.

“He chose to leave,” I said hollowly, my voice echoing strangely inside me.

“Yeah, he did,” Emmett sighed. “And it was a stupid, shit move on his part, but, Bella, look at it
from his point of view. He was hurting himself by asking you to marry him every moment of the
day and he was drowning. Every time you said no, he sank a little deeper and he had to find a
way out. So he left, but God damn it, you should have seen him in those first few weeks he was
in Chicago. He was probably worse than you, sulking about and sounding like a kicked puppy
dog whenever he decided to call.”

I sucked in a painful breath of air and concentrated on staring at a tree in the distance. The
sounds of the park around us seemed strangely muted as Emmett spoke.

“But now you two are finally getting back on track, so just don‟t screw it up this time,” he said
abruptly, cracking his knuckles and avoiding my eyes.

“How am I even supposed to know if I‟m screwing it up?” I asked, a bubble of anger rising
inside of me at his accusatory tone.

“It‟s pretty damn simple, Bella,” Emmett replied calmly and I felt the bubble pop inside me like
it never existed in the first place; he always had been good at deflating my anger even when he
was the one making me angry. “Don‟t be stubborn with him and understand that he‟s just as
screwed up over this as you are. Most importantly, if he ever gets up the courage to ask you
again, say yes like you should have the first time.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but Emmett rose from the bench before I could get a word out.

“I‟ll see you later,” he said shortly before walking away. A bit shell shocked at his abruptness, I
blinked away the stinging sensation of tears as I watched him walk briskly away. I sat back
against the bench as I ran through Emmett‟s blunt words again, finding them to be a lot more
enlightening than they probably should have been.

I had never thought about what Edward went through when he left; I‟d really only considered
myself. Needless to say, it gave me a lot to think through, not that I could say I really understood
it all yet.

About half an hour later, I rose from the bench myself and slowly made my way down the block
to go home.

---

“So, when will you be able to move in?” I asked Edward from the living room of Emmett‟s
apartment later that night while he busied himself in the kitchen with dinner.

“Looks like it should be next week,” he answered as he came back into the room, finished with
fixing dinner for the moment at least. I followed him with my eyes as he walked over to set two
wine glasses on the coffee table in front of us.

“That‟s cool, it‟ll probably be nice to have your own place again,” I commented absently.

“Yeah,” he agreed, sinking onto the couch next to me.

I grabbed my glass of wine to diffuse the awkward silence and sipped on it thoughtfully.
Emmett‟s words from earlier today were still rattling around in my head and I was trying to find
the best way possible to broach the subject with Edward. I went for the easiest way out.

“Edward?” I started timidly and he hummed in response, his long fingers playing with rim of his
glass. “Are you okay?”

He started from his trance-like activity with the glass and looked over to me curiously.

“What do you mean?” he asked quietly.

“I mean...” I sighed and scooted a little closer to him so I could take his hand in mine. “I guess,
how are you doing?”

He flipped my hand over in his and began to trace the lines in my palm, but kept his silence for a
long moment.

“I‟m better than I was,” he said quietly, nodding to himself. “I won‟t pretend that doing great
though.”

“Edward,” I whispered softly and brought my hand up to guide his face to mine. He leaned
toward me, but didn‟t allow his lips to touch mine just yet. “I want to fix that so badly.”

“I know you do,” he murmured softly, his voice husky and deep. “I do too.”

With that, he closed the distance between us and captured my lips with his firmly. I threw myself

eagerly into his kiss, pressing myself closer to him as his arms wound around my waist. It wasn‟t
long before his hands slowly began to push up my shirt and brush tantalizing against the
sensitive skin of my stomach.

I groaned despite myself as the calluses on his fingers rubbed deliciously against my flesh but
refused to go where I really wanted them. They stayed put, only teasing me with their caresses
along my abdomen. The familiar warm pooling at the pit of my stomach drove me closer to him
as he broke away from my mouth and began to plant intoxicatingly hot kisses along my neck and
collarbone. I let my head fall back as he shifted, making his arousal more prominent against my
leg, and bit back another moan as I concentrated on the amazing things his tongue was making
me feel as it simply traced along my collarbone.

“Make love to me,” I whispered after a moment, the words slipping far too easily from my lips as
I curled closer to him. His arms tightened around me and he groaned against my skin.

“Bella,” he murmured, his lips still searching along my collarbone. “We can‟t.”

I froze in his arms and pulled back so I could look into his face. The familiar sting of rejection
was simmering in my stomach as I took in his careful expression. His eyes were deep and
unreadable as they searched mine for acceptance, but I had none to offer him.

“Why not?” I asked, trying to keep the whine out of my voice.

“We can‟t just jump back into this,” he said softly, his hands caressing my back gently. I
disentangled myself from his embrace, suddenly eager to put some distance between us. I
swallowed back the tears that were burning at the back of my eyes and threw myself to the
opposite end of the couch. I knew this wasn‟t really the way to fix anything, but I couldn‟t help
my impulses when I was around him.

“I think we can handle having sex, Edward,” I replied half-jokingly as soon as I recovered from
the initial shock.

“Bella, it‟s not about sex and you know it,” he placated, trying to grab my hand, but I pulled it
away before he could.

“I know,” I agreed quietly and sighed. “I know.”

“It‟s about us treating this relationship carefully and not doing anything to mess it up again,” he
continued and this time when he reached for my hand, I allowed him to take it. I closed my eyes
and took a deep breath, trying to keep my emotions from choking my voice inside of me. I knew
he was right, I knew Emmett was right, but for some reason, it just couldn‟t curb some of the
stupid things I was prone to do around Edward.

“I just want things to be like they used to be,” I admitted and scooted a little closer to him,
closing the distance.

Edward let out a staggered breath and squeezed my hand before letting it go to run it through his
hair. I watched him for a moment as he obviously struggled for words.

“Bella,” he said finally, tugging on his hair. His eyes refused to meet mine as he continued and I
felt a slight unease settle inside me. “I don‟t want things to ever be like that again.”

I felt as if he had just punched me in the stomach and my mind whirled with his words. What did
that even mean? my mind screamed at me and I gaped wordlessly at him. I had spent the entire
afternoon struggling with his brother‟s explanation about why he left the relationship, but why
wouldn‟t he want to go back to what we had? What were we even doing together right now if he
didn‟t want that again?

“W-what?” I finally stuttered, my voice as breathless as I felt.

“I love you, Bella,” Edward said, finally raising his tortured, dark eyes to meet mine again. “But
I can‟t put myself through that sort of relationship again. We have to be on the same page this
time around or it‟s not going to work.”

“Oh,” I breathed, his words flying through my mind as I tried to unscramble them. Words finally
came haltingly to my mind and I voiced them without thought. “What page are you on?”

“Oh, Bella,” he sighed and took my face in both hands so I was forced to look him in the eye as
he spoke. “I don‟t think my feelings toward you could ever change. I have loved you since the
day I first set eyes on you, but I can‟t hang in limbo this time around. We‟ve got to have a
direction this time.”

“Edward -” I interrupted him uneasily, but he didn‟t let me continue.

“No, let me say this,” he said, holding up a hand to silence me. “I‟m not saying we have to get
married right now or ever, if that‟s what you really want, but I am saying I need you to be all in
or we shouldn‟t bother at all.”

I took a deep, steadying breath as his words rushed through me and found myself nodding when I
surfaced from the spinning thoughts that clouded my mind. I nodded more firmly, trying to get
my tight, strained throat muscles to work.

“Okay,” I croaked after a long moment of trying to regain stability by staring into his eyes. “I‟m
all in.”

12.

Edward.

--

“That‟s the last of it, I think,” Emmett announced loudly as he unceremoniously dropped the box
he was carrying in the middle of the bare room. I sighed, annoyed, and rubbed my temples in a
vain effort to relieve the headache that was quickly developing.

“Thanks, man,” I said gruffly from the couch where I had thrown myself a few moment before
out of exhaustion.

“You know that‟s what I‟m here for,” he replied, heading to the kitchen to grab a beer. “When
are the girls coming back again?”

I shrugged. I had been knee-deep in boxes when Bella and Rosalie had announced they were
going to grab dinner. I just hoped they would come in time so I could avoid most of Emmett‟s
questioning at least.

“So, how are things going?” he probed after hunkering down with his beer in the couch next to
me.

I sighed, tugging at my hair and nursing my own beer contemplatively. How were things going?
Did I even know?

“They‟re going,” I decided neutrally.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Emmett asked, frustrated.

“It means I don‟t want to talk about it,” I answered shortly, setting my beer down with a clunk on
a nearby box. Emmett fell into a sulky silence, giving me a few moments of peace. I looked
around my new, bare apartment with little enthusiasm. It would take literally hours to sort
through the boxes that we had piled up in here even though they were relatively few.

I was just contemplating getting started on the unpacking when a loud laugh announced Rose
and Bella‟s presence in the hallway. Sure enough, a moment later, the door swung open to reveal
the two women with their arms full of food.

“Hungry?” Rose quipped dryly at Emmett who had hopped up almost immediately to meet them
at the door. I stayed put, keeping my eyes trained on the boxes in front of me and trying not to
feel depressed about the whole thing. I had wanted my own place so badly here so I wouldn‟t

have to deal with bad memories, but now that I had one, I was feeling less than pleased about it.

Emmett and Rose shuffled off to the kitchen with dinner, leaving Bella standing awkwardly in
the doorway. She leaned against the jamb, obviously unsure of where to go.

“Hey,” she said softly, unmoving from her position. I looked up to her and nodded to the empty
place next to me Emmett had just vacated. She walked slowly over to the couch, narrowly
avoiding tripping over a few boxes before sinking down next me.

“Hey,” I finally replied once she had sat down and I quirked a small smile in her direction.
Tenderly, two of her fingers came to brush my hair from my eyes before she let them fall to her
lap.

“How are you doing?” she asked, swallowing visibly and looking away from me.

I breathed out a soft laugh and shook my head before answering.

“That sure is the question of the day, isn‟t it?” I deflected as best I could.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, laughing nervously.

“Don‟t apologize.” I shook my head with a sigh and grabbed my beer to take one last swig
before I pulled myself up from the couch. “It‟s my problem, not yours. You ready for dinner?”

“Yeah,” she agreed readily, taking the hand I extended to her to help her up.

I led her into the tiny kitchen where we found Emmett already feasting on the chicken they had
brought back. Rose was watching him with a half-disgusted, half-amused expression on her face
while she fixed her own plate from the food Emmett hadn‟t claimed as his own.

“You two better hurry and grab some before he gets to it,” she commented, shaking her head
with a smile. She leaned against the counter with her plate to watch as Emmett blew through a
huge portion of food. Bella giggled and threw a glance in my direction before grabbing some
chicken for herself.

We ate in relative silence, just enjoying the food and standing around the bare kitchen that was
still devoid of even a table. Bella pulled herself up to sit on one of the counters while the rest of
us leaned against the counters.

After everyone was finished, Rose cleared her throat and crossed over to where Emmett was
rubbing his stomach happily. She kissed him quickly before stepping into his waiting arms. I
watched with a prick of jealousy at their easy intimacy - something Bella and I had yet to
recover. In fact, we‟d almost regressed in the way of physical intimacy since the night I‟d
refused sex with her.

“Hey, you two, get a room or stop it,” Bella teased, seeming to catch onto what I was thinking.

Emmett laughed throatily and playfully pushed Rose away. I threw Bella a grateful glance,
walking over to where she was perched on the counter. She smiled in return, diverting her
attention from the happy couple to me.

She held out both her hands, which I grabbed eagerly, and then pulled me closer to her so I stood
in between her legs which were swinging over the edge of the counter.

“Uh hey...I think we‟re going to get going anyway, Edward,” Emmett informed me, but his voice
sounded farther away than it should have. I nodded absently, more concerned with the girl in
front of me whose hands were gripping mine more tightly by the second. I was busy studying her
worried features when the door closed quietly behind my brother and his girlfriend. Their abrupt
departure wasn‟t unusual for them anyway.

I leaned forward to rest my forehead against hers and she sighed, letting up on her grip on my
hands but not releasing me altogether.

“You know earlier...” I started, then cleared my throat. “When you asked me how I was doing?”

“Yeah,” she answered, a soft light of confusion dancing across her features.

“I‟m okay,” I said and then leaned forward to kiss her tenderly. She smiled against my mouth
and pressed her mouth against mine in return.

“That‟s good to hear.”

--

Three hours later, Bella and I were wading through the boxes slowly and my new apartment was
at least beginning to look a bit more like a livable space instead of an asylum. At the moment, I
was re-positioning the bookshelf while Bella sorted through the books that would go on the shelf.

“Where are you putting all these CDs?” Bella asked as she came upon a box stuffed full of cases.

“Oh, you can just leave that one for now,” I said absently as I pushed the bookcase into place
with a grunt. “I have a shelf unit I still need to get from Emmett‟s place.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, pushing the box away dismissively and pulling another unopened one over
to her. “What‟s in this one? It‟s not marked.”

I looked over to the box she was standing over and wrinkled my brow in concentration. I didn‟t
recognize it, but all boxes looked pretty much the same.

“Uh, not sure,” I hummed and walked over to her to pull the flaps open. The contents weren‟t
immediately familiar to me, but their nature slowly dawned on me when I heard Bella‟s horrified
gasp right beside me.

“Oh, God,” she groaned.

“What exactly...?” I forced out as I picked up a folded, slightly yellowed piece of paper from the
very top of a box full of things I had once given Bella. I recognized my handwriting the moment
I flipped the note open and my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. I let the note drop back into
the box and closed my eyes. I didn‟t need to read it; I knew exactly what I had written to her that
morning before I left.

“I told Emmett to give it to you a long time ago,” she explained quietly. “It was stuff I thought
you‟d want back.”

I sat down on the carpet, too floored to do anything else and stared blankly at the suddenly
ominous box that sat between us.

“Obviously it never made it back,” I said finally when I had recovered at least some of my wits. I
remembered vaguely now the box sitting quietly in the corner of my room at Emmett‟s
apartment. I had brushed it off as something left there by a friend who had stayed there in my
absence or even just some old stuff Emmett wanted to get out of the way. I would never have
guessed its real contents.

I leaned forward to look in the box and pulled out the note again. I fingered it with a snort to
myself. The words I had written on the page seemed just as forced and empty now as they had
when I‟d written them. I had known even then I was going nowhere good when I left. I threw it
to the side and reached in the box for its other contents, pulling out first a jersey then a CD I
recognized as a mix I‟d made her long ago. My heart tugged at the memories each item conjured,
but when I looked up to see if Bella was experiencing the same she was too busy looking down
at the still folded note that she had apparently picked up from where I‟d thrown it.

Noticing my glance, she straightened a bit and wiped the visible tears from her eyes. I got to my
knees and scooted over to her, throwing the things I‟d pulled from the box aside so I could pull
her into my arms.

“I never read it, you know,” she whispered with downcast eyes. A few more tears escaped from
her eyes and I did my best to wipe them away before pulling her even closer into my embrace. “I
don‟t why. I just...couldn‟t.”

“It‟s probably better that way,” I murmured and planted a kiss on top of head. She twisted in my
arms so she could look up into my eyes.

“Why?”

“Because you should know by now that I had no idea what I was doing or feeling that day when I
wrote that,” I said fiercely, realizing fully for the first time how true those words were. “I knew I
needed to leave, but that was it. I didn‟t know what I was saying or why back then. It took me a
long time to sort all that out.”

I plucked the note from her hand and crumpled it before stuffing it in my pocket. She leaned
against my chest with a barely noticeable sigh, her tears still soaking through.

“Come on,” I said softly, cradling her in my arms before picking her up. “I‟ll take you home.”

She shook her head against my chest, clinging to my neck.

“I don‟t want to go home,” she argued, her voice muffled by my shirt. “Just take me to your
bed.”

“Okay,” I agreed, kissing the top of her head in compliance and hiking her up in my arms a bit
more before heading down the hallway to my bedroom. I lay her down on the bed gently and she
tugged on my shirt to pull me down with her. I kissed her forehead as I disentangled her hand
from my t-shirt.

“Sleep,” I ordered gently. “You can change into one of my shirts if you want. You know where
they are. I‟m just going to finish unpacking a few more things and then I‟ll be back.”

She fell back against the pillows with a sigh and I barely caught the roll of her eyes. I smiled
despite myself and couldn‟t resist leaning down to kiss her again. Her hands ran slowly and
languidly through my hair and as she pulled me closer, I hiked a knee onto the bed so I could
climb over to her.

“Bella,” I murmured against her mouth and she hummed in response. I pulled away pointedly
and she sighed heavily.

“Alright, I get it...I know,” she said. Her throat bobbed visibly and I gave her an apologetic look
before I slid off the bed.

“I‟ll be in the living room if you need anything,” I informed her quietly before walking out of the
bedroom and closing it behind me without looking back.

I headed out to the living room and went straight for the box of CDs Bella had pushed aside
earlier, taking care to avoid the box full of memorabilia of our former life together. I must have
spent nearly an hour out there, stacking and sorting my CDs before she re-appeared from the
bedroom.

“Edward?” Bella‟s voice cut through the silence of the room and I jumped to see her standing in
dimly lit hallway, wearing only one of my old t-shirts and looking mussed as if she‟d been
tossing and turning since I‟d left her alone.

“Yes?” I answered, beckoning her over to me. I set aside the CDs I had been stacking so I could
focus on her.

“Can I ask you a question?” she asked, crossing the room over to where I was sitting cross-
legged by the bookshelf.

“Of course.”

She nodded to herself and sat fluidly down in front of me, her eyes studying me carefully. Her
fingers played with the carpet as she searched for what she wanted to say.

“I was just...I was wondering if...” she trailed off, then took a deep breath. “Do you think you‟ll
you ever ask me again?” Her voice has a desperate hue in it and it took a moment for her
meaning to sink in, but when it did I felt the million pinpricks of a salted wound tear through me.

“Ask you what?” I asked warily, hoping to God I was wrong.

“To marry you.”

“Oh, Bella,” I whispered, tortured by her wide, pleading eyes. I took her hands in mine and
brought them to my lips kissing them gently before closing my eyes to hide from hers. “I don‟t
know if I can.”

13.

Bella.

--

Silence rushed by as I absorbed his words. I don’t know if I can. They were hollow, but they
somehow felt heavier than anything else.

“Okay,” I heard myself say and took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Bella - ” he started, his eyes still screwed shut.

“No,” I stopped him, holding up my fingers to his lips. He kissed them lightly and slowly peeked
out from under his lashes. I caught a sharp breath as I saw the tears pooling in them. “Please
don‟t,” I pleaded.

“Bella,” he murmured, letting go of my hands to grasp my face. I shivered at the contact, his
touch still sending unfair shocks through me. “Please understand.”

“I do,” I said, sighing as everything clicked into place inside of me. “I really think I do.”

His fingers brushed against my lips and I savored the sensation. He leaned forward slowly, his
eyes deep and pained, to kiss my forehead first, then his lips dragged softly to the tip of my nose
until he reached my lips, pressing them against his own.

“Can I tell you something anyways?” I asked against his lips and he leaned his forehead on mine,
pulling his mouth away. I sat back and then moved so I could lean against him. He snaked his
arms around me readily, pulling me in between his legs. I cuddled into his chest for a moment
while his fingers played absently with my tangled hair. I took his silence as a sign to continue. “I
did a lot of thinking about marriage while you were gone.”

He inhaled audibly and then let go of it in a steady stream. I watched him carefully, knowing I
was treading on tender ground.

“It used to be so hard for me to understand why anyone would want to put themselves through
marriage,” I started again and Edward‟s face twisted slightly. I reached up to smooth the frown
lines from his face, not wanting him to be unhappy right now. “All I had as an example for
marriage was my parents and that obviously didn‟t work out too amazing. They fought all the
time - still do - and then put me through a lot of pain when they divorced. I didn‟t want to
voluntarily put myself through that.”

I paused, taking a breath and sitting up a little straighter. Edward had resumed running his
fingers through my hair, but I couldn‟t tell if what I was saying was resonating with him or not.

“While you were gone, I had a lot of time to think about it,” I said, mentally adding, although it
wasn’t until this morning with Emmett that I really got it. “And I realized that being married to
you would never be like that. My parents made a mistake in marrying each other too soon, but
me marrying you could never be a mistake. You‟re the only one for me and I shouldn‟t have ever
doubted that.”

His stoic expression faltered as I finished and I blinked back the tears that had suddenly rushed
to my eyes again. Wordlessly, he pulled me closer in a hug and I wrapped my arms around him
return, holding myself as close as possible to his warmth.

--

There was no more talking that night. Edward eventually led me to the bedroom again and this
time lay down with me without protest. He held me through the night, but I slept fitfully, waking
at the smallest noise. Edward always seemed to be awake though, waiting to hum me back to
sleep by his side. I wondered if he slept at all that night.

In the morning, I woke to an empty bed and sounds of movement coming from the living room. I
stretched slowly, throwing my arms out to fall dully against the space where he had lain beside
me.

I slipped back into the jeans I had worn yesterday, but kept his shirt on. Slowly, I padded out to
the living room to take in the slowly emerging life that was coming out of all of Edward‟s boxes.
Not seeing him immediately, I peeked into the kitchen to spot him heating up something in the
microwave that had appeared since last night.

“Good morning,” he greeted, turning to me with a small, bleary smile before I could even
announce my presence.

“Morning,” I replied tentatively, but I didn‟t hesitate when he held his arms open for me. I
rushed into them, sinking gratefully into his embrace and smiling against his warm shirt. He
kissed the top of my head and I smiled at the gesture.

“I‟m afraid the microwave will be the only source of breakfast this morning,” he said
apologetically as it beeped loudly interrupting our moment. “I obviously haven‟t had time to do
any kind of real grocery shopping.”

“That‟s okay with me,” I laughed.

He smiled and pulled the biscuits from the tray before setting them on the waiting plate. We ate
in silence, giving me time to observe how much he had managed to put away while I slept this
morning. Besides the new additions to his countertops and shelves, I felt a palpable shift in the
atmosphere between us. Somehow, it felt easier to just be standing here with him, knowing that I
had at least spoken my piece to him. Although his words still sat heavily on my heart, I knew
there was genuine reason for them and that traitorous, flickering flame of hope inside of me
refused to be snuffed out after all the progress we had made in the past few weeks.

“I should get going,” I sighed when I spotted the time blinking at me from his microwave.

“You don‟t have to,” he said, sounding a bit disappointed.

“I would stay if I could,” I assured with a regretful smile. “But I promised my mom I‟d come in
today and I need to get home so I can change and shower.”

He nodded in understanding and began to clear the counter of breakfast. I yawned and stretched
one more time. Edward smiled at the movement and stopped what he was doing to wrap me in
his arms again.

“Have I told you recently that you‟re beautiful?” he asked suddenly, staring down at me with an
unreadable expression on his face. I couldn‟t help the smile that found its way onto my face.

“Yes,” I answered happily. “But It never hurts when you do anyway.”

“You‟re beautiful,” he whispered before quickly pecking me on the lips. I pulled him down for a
longer kiss, threading my fingers through his hair readily. For the moment, last night was
forgotten and we could just be happy together.

“You‟re beautiful too, you know,” I informed him as he pulled away. He laughed briefly before
going back to throwing away the remnants of our breakfast. The smile that lingered on his lips
warmed the parts of my heart that were still cold and uncertain from last night.

“You should get going,” He said after a minute, not sounding particularly happy about it still.

“Yeah,” I agreed, sharing his sentiment. I jogged quickly to his room to grab my shirt from last
night and then came back out to find him waiting in the hallway for me.

“Call me when you get off?” he asked.

“It might be late,” I warned.

“Doesn‟t matter. I‟ll be up.”

“Okay,” I agreed, and took his hand to lead him toward his door. He followed in compliance, but
still looked thoughtful. I threw him a curious glance, but didn‟t question the sudden shift in his
mood. I was used to them by now.

“I‟ll see you later,” I said softly and reached up to kiss him lightly. He nodded and opened the
door for me. His lips were pursed as if he were trying not to say something. I squeezed his hand
one last time before letting go and stepping out into the hallway, heading to work.

“Bella,” he called after me before I had gotten too far and I turned back to see him leaning
against his door. When he saw he had my attention, he beckoned me back over to him and I went
willingly, curious. When I was close enough to hear his unsteady breathing, he licked his lips in
preparation and continued in a barely controlled tone, “I want you to know there will never be a
day when I don‟t want you as my wife, okay?”

Startled, I swallowed quickly, wondering if I had heard him correctly. Meeting his eyes, I knew I
had. A small, relieved smile tugged at my lips and not trusting my voice, I nodded to him and
then turned to leave. That would have to be enough for now.

--

“Hey Bells!” Phil called from somewhere behind me. My hands paused in their work. “When
you get a chance, your mom wants to talk to you.”

I sighed and looked down at the half-finished dish in front of me. It‟s not like I hadn‟t been
waiting for it all night, but she still chose the most inconvenient time to want to talk to me.

“Go ahead and go,” a voice interrupted my rebellious train of thought. I looked up to see Angela,
the woman I‟d hired to take over the kitchen when I wasn‟t there, standing beside me. “I‟ll finish
this up so you don‟t keep your mom waiting.”

“Thanks,” I said with a fleeting smile before I wiped my hands on my apron and headed over to
the office. I knocked casually on the ajar door before pushing it open to see my mother flipping
through a stack of papers. It was all really for show; Phil did most of the paperwork I didn‟t get
to these days and my mom just came around to switch stacks around. I used to find it endearing
but as I grew older, her scatter-brained ways had started to slowly grind against my nerves more.

“Hey, mom, what‟s up?” I asked, throwing myself into the empty seat in front of the desk. She
looked up with a strange look, casting a watchful eye over me before pushing whatever she was
messing with aside. I raised an eyebrow at her behavior. This was a bit out of the ordinary.

“Bella,” she started, sounding concerned. I recognized her lecture tone immediately and tried to
keep my face from showing my discomfort. “Alice stopped by today with her boyfriend.”

The phrase seemed out of place, but she always came to her point in a roundabout way.

“Okay,” I said slowly, waiting for her to continue.

“Alice let slip something a little disturbing that you hadn‟t told me,” she sighed and her face was
uncharacteristically grave. “When were planning on telling me that you were seeing Edward
again?”

“Mom...” I trailed off uneasily, not sure what to say. When Edward left, she had been devastated
for me and any mention of him in the past two years had always brought out her protective side. I
hadn‟t told her yet because I hadn‟t been sure how to define what was going on, but I didn‟t want
to hide it from her anymore. “I‟m more than just seeing him again.”

“Are you sleeping with him?” she asked, sounding defeated.

“No.” I winced. Not for lack of trying.

“Then what is it?”

“I‟m in love with him.” I smiled at my own words, liking the way they sounded coming from my
mouth. It was the first time I‟d been able to say them to someone else without feeling dreadful.

“Oh, Bella,” my mom sighed. Her eyes were mournful as she took me in, but my suddenly lifted
mood couldn‟t be dampened. “How do you know he won‟t hurt you again?”

“He won‟t,” I promised immediately, without hesitation. “And I won‟t hurt him either.”

She was silent for a long moment before sitting back in her chair. Her long fingernails tapped the
desk as she chewed over my words.

“Mom, we‟re finally working things out. I really think we have it together this time,” I explained.
I wanted her to understand my decision more than anything in that moment. “He‟s the one for
me.”

She nodded, looking me full in the eye, before allowing a tense smile to light her features.

“As long as you‟re sure,” she said. “I just don‟t want you to get hurt again.”

“Trust me,” I assured her. Then on second thought, I added, “Trust him.”

14.

Bella.

--

As soon as the door swung shut behind me, I had my phone out to dial Edward. I needed to hear
his low, soothing voice on the other end of the line so badly I don‟t know how my former
remedy of a cup of hot cocoa after a stressful day had ever worked. The phone had hardly rung
twice before he picked it up.

“Hello?” His voice filtered into my ear.

“Hey,” I sighed, already relaxing a bit. After the tense conversation with my mother, everything
had seemed a little more heightened and it had been hard to concentrate all night.

“How was work?” he asked.

“Well, I got cornered by my mom,” I answered, not bothering to tiptoe around it. “She wanted to
know why I was seeing you again.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line and I could practically see him running a nervous
hand through his hair.

“What did you tell her?” he finally said.

“To trust that we knew what we were doing,” I said in return, my voice hushed. His steady
breathing on the other end was comforting to my still slightly frayed nerves. I took a deep breath
and went out on a limb. “Edward, would you mind if I came over tonight?”

We‟d only spent the night together, in the strictest sense of the phrase, twice since we‟d
reconciled, last night being one of the two, and neither had been planned. Not that I was
expecting anything to happen even if he said yes tonight, but it was still nice to be sleeping in his
arms.

“I‟d really like if you did,” he answered after a beat. I let out a breath I didn‟t know I was
holding and climbed into my car.

“I‟ll be over in a bit then,” I promised before hanging up with him and turning the key in the
ignition.

--

I knocked on his door about forty minutes later and he opened it for me almost immediately as if
he‟d been waiting for me since we hung up. I smiled but before I could greet him properly he
pulled me inside for a sudden, tender kiss. He kicked the door closed behind us and deepened the
kiss, letting our tongues tangle together. When he pulled back a few moments later, it took me
several seconds for me to come out of the daze he‟d plunged me into. I noticed dimly that he was
wearing sweatpants and nothing else, which did nothing to calm my suddenly racing heart.

“Hey,” I said finally, still out of breath and unable to think of anything a little more clever. He
grinned and pecked me lightly for good measure.

“Hey,” he said in return. His strange happiness, while a bit out of character, was infectious.

“Did you have a good day?” I asked curiously, realizing we hadn‟t even discussed it on the
phone earlier.

“It was okay,” he answered off-handedly. I followed him into the living room and took in the
changes with surprise. Almost everything that had been in boxes just this morning had
miraculously found a home.

“Jesus,” I swore under my breath. “I hope you had help with this.”

“Rose and Emmett came over for awhile,” he explained and I nodded. I made the mistake of
glancing back over to him as he sat on the couch and my throat went dry at the sight of his bare
chest. I blinked and started from the short trance.

“I....uh, I‟m going to grab a glass of juice,” I excused myself into the kitchen, throwing my
overnight bag by his couch before skittering off where I couldn‟t see his pale skin. I threw my
palms onto the kitchen counter in desperation, taking a deep, long breath to try to calm myself.

None of that tonight. We’re taking this slow. He wants us to take it slow. This doesn’t mean
anything.

Collecting myself, I rummaged through his cabinet until I found a clean glass and pulled it down.
I heard his footsteps padding towards the kitchen and I quickly turned towards the fridge, not
quite as composed as I needed to be to look him in the eye.

“Any plans for tonight?” I asked as I pulled the juice from his fridge and poured a glass.

“Whatever you want,” he answered, his voice sounding unintentionally inviting from somewhere
close behind me. I paused and set the glass I had just poured down on the counter even though
my mouth was drier than ever. Trying to deflect the feelings I knew didn‟t have much chance of
getting resolved tonight, I scrambled for a joke.

“Is that an invitation?” I insinuated wryly, thankful my back was to him as I shook off the effect
his words had had. Without warning though, his bare arms encircled my waist and he planted a

warm kiss on my neck. His mouth lingered there and I fell back into his embrace, enjoying the
sensation.

“Do you really want it to be?” he asked, his tone was calculated, but a little uncertain. My eyes
widened in surprise and I turned slowly in his arms, giving him a careful once-over. Tentatively,
I rose on my toes and kissed him soundly on the mouth.

“Would it be alright if I said yes?” I asked, suddenly feeling a bit shy. He smiled and pulled me
closer, kissing me before answering.

“Yes.”

I swallowed as a sudden lump rose in my throat, but before I could really react he was gone and
headed towards his bedroom. I laughed and ran after him, catching onto his playful mood. He
grabbed me the moment I crossed the threshold to his room, pushing the door closed and
pressing me against it. I smiled against his mouth as he kissed me.

His lips left mine, trailing against my collarbone deliciously. I caught my breath and gathered a
question before I lost all coherency, a state which was fast approaching.

“What...brought...this...on?” I breathed in between his kisses, clutching at his hair as he
continued his attention to my collarbone.

“Call it an epiphany,” he said and I was immediately jealous of the composure he still had. That
had to be remedied; I would not be the only one compromised here. I pushed him away and
flipped our positions so he was leaning against the door. He grinned down at me and I leaned up
to nip at his lip gently.

“What kind of epiphany?” I asked, trying to sound innocently curious as my hands drifted slowly
down his bare torso to the waistband of his pants. He inhaled sharply as my fingers slid under the
elastic.

“Mmm,” He groaned, throwing his hand back against the door. “Can this wait until later?”

“I guess so,” I answered with a shrug. Smiling wickedly to myself, I abruptly pulled my hands
out of the pants and stepped away from him. I held my hands demurely behind me and tried my
best to control my features as he groaned in displeasure.

“That is not what I meant,” he said seriously and stepped forward, pushing me gently back
towards the bed.

“I know,” I agreed and climbed onto the bed, shedding my shirt in the process. I turned back to
see Edward drinking in the sight of my pale flesh quietly. I couldn‟t stop the blush that found its
way onto my cheeks. I sat up on my knees, reaching for the button of my pants but his hands
stopped me.

“Don‟t,” he said softly, sitting on the bed next to me.

“Do you want to do that part?” I teased and he laughed, kissing me as he guided me back against
the pillows.

“Yes,” He answered and my heart melted at the grin that touched his lips. His hands slid to rest
on my sides and he peppered kisses down my stomach, stopping briefly to kiss the sensitive flesh
of each breast that was peeking out from the lace of my bra. I shivered as his lips alternately
dragged and nipped down my stomach until he reached the waist of my pants.

Propping myself up on my elbows, I watched silently as his silliness slipped away from him and
his face grew serious. His fingers traced the button of my pants once before he flicked it open
and began to slowly inch my pants off me. I shimmied a bit to help him and he threw them
quickly away and surprised me by sliding his hands back up my legs slowly, sending a
monumental shiver straight through me.

“Bella,” he murmured, breaking our silence and meeting my eyes seriously. “Are you sure you
want this?”

“Do you?” I whispered, sitting up a little more so I could run my hand through his already
tousled hair.

“I want whatever you want,” he answered, repeating his words from earlier with a twist, and my
heart squeezed tightly in my chest as his words hit me. He leaned down to plant an open-
mouthed kiss against mine and I sucked in his bottom lip greedily, feeling desire shoot through
me as his hands began stroking my thighs again.

“I just want you,” I assured him softly, pulling him closer. His mouth met mine eagerly and his
tongue traced against my lips, begging entrance. I fell back readily, pulling his weight on top of
me.

He spread his palms underneath me and up my side until his fingers splayed against the
underwire of my bra. I bit back a whimper as his fingers danced along my ribs, playing with the
fabric against my skin. Looking up through hooded eyes, I saw him smiling down at me.

“What is it?” I asked throatily.

“I‟ve missed you, is all,” he admitted and shook his head to himself before deftly unhooking my
bra. The smile that had tugged at my lips was quickly erased as I gasped from the feeling of his
warm mouth encircling one of my already sensitive breasts. Burying my fingers in his hair, I
pressed myself against him, eagerly searching for some friction to relieve the pressure that was
building inside.

His hands roamed my body as he sucked and teased my nipples and I groaned at each new
sensation. Once or twice, his hand would hover over my underwear, teasing to pull them down
and away, but his hand would always circle away, leaving me with a more persistent ache every

time.

Impatient to touch him, I hooked my leg around his to flip us over so I could easily slide my
hand under his waistband. He inhaled sharply as my hand made contact with the silky skin of his
member.

I gripped it, pumping it gently at first and then increasing the movement as pleasure flickered
across Edward‟s face. Using my free hand, I slid his sweatpants down his hips and off the bed.
He groaned as my hand increased its pace and breathed my name out like a prayer. I gasped as
his hands gripped my hips tightly, enjoying the sensation myself.

“Bella,” he moaned, then added reluctantly, “You have got to stop that.”

I pouted a bit, but complied as he leaned up to kiss me. I took the moment he paused to catch his
breath to pull my soaked underwear off and throw them aside, leaving both of us with nothing
left between our skin. His hands came eagerly to stroke the newly revealed skin, teasing briefly
at my entrance but not entering just yet. His hand fell to my knee, which he gently pushed
backwards in a tacit request for me to allow him out from underneath me. I complied, rolling to
his side and he propped himself up easily beside me, his hands losing no time in resuming their
explorations and his kiss finding its way to the hollow of my neck.

I melted against the pillows as his fingers danced downwards, finally coming to slide along my
already slick folds. I thrust involuntarily at the contact, squirming to get closer to his fingers. He
smiled into my skin and hummed in laughter.

“Edward,” I pleaded softly. “Please.”

A single finger slid inside me and I jerked upwards towards it greedily. He crooked it inside me
as he slipped it in and out before adding more fingers. I whimpered in pleasure as he began to
find a rhythm and thrust my hips to meet his hand‟s movement.

“Edward,” I breathed desperately, feeling the pressure beginning to build inside me as his fingers
worked towards my release. He kissed me fiercely, his lips searching all along my face as he
brought me closer.

“I think...” he started roughly, his breath fanning against my already sweaty skin in a wonderful
way, “I could spend days re-memorizing every sound you make when I do this...and all the
different faces you have...and all the wonderful ways you say my name.”

That was all it took to push me over the edge and send my body into shakes. I gasped softly as I
came down from the sensation and held his face close to mine by threading my fingers in his
hair. His lips were everywhere, kissing every inch of skin he could easily reach as I held him.

“Make love to me,” I whispered as I regained my senses. He let his head fall into the crook of my
neck and I could feel his lips as they brushed against my skin.

He pushed himself up repositioned so I could feel his hardened tip brushing against my center.
His bright green eyes sought out mine as he leaned his forehead against mine and grabbed my
hands, intertwining our fingers as he slowly pushed inside me. I couldn‟t help the gasp that stuck
in my throat at the sensation of having him inside me again after all this time. He paused and I
wondered if he was feeling the same as his face flickered with unreadable emotion.

“Bella,” he murmured as he squeezed my hands and began to move inside me. His pace had a
slow, burning desperation in it and I matched it in my own feverish way as our skin melded
together and we pushed against one another.

He brought me to release first, my world splitting open in a strange burst of electricity that
contrasted with the torturous pace of ecstasy we had set with each other. He came with a few
more sporadic thrusts, collapsing in my arms and moving quickly to pull me against him when
he rolled to me my side. I crooked my leg across his torso and he grabbed it, his hand stroking it
thoughtfully.

“Thank you,” I whispered against his skin and his hand came up to cup my chin gently. His eyes
were dark with lingering arousal and I felt powerful to know I was the source of it. He didn‟t
speak immediately, just held my gaze with impossible magnetism.

“I love you,” he said finally, simply. Tears sprang unbidden to my eyes at those words and I
sniffed, looking down to hide them as I fought for composure. His thumbs swiped under my eyes
anyway, knowing what I was doing without a word from me.

“I love you too,” I said, nodding. I caught his hands that were busy wiping away my tears and
kissed his fingers gently. Smiling, he pulled me closer to him and I readily sank down to lay
beside him.

Thinking back through what felt like a dream, his words from earlier swam back into focus.

“That must have been one hell of an epiphany,” I murmured as I snuggled closer. He laughed
softly, his chest vibrating pleasantly beneath me and he kissed the top of my head.

“I‟ll explain later,” he promised and I nodded, feeling too sated to do much else than sleep at the
moment.

15.

Edward.

--

I was uncharacteristically nervous as I picked her up that night, but she didn’t seem to even
notice. The box in my pocket burned against my thigh as if it were made of fire and not velvet.

The night seemed to pass in a haze and she was the one beautiful point of reference in the blur. I
began to regain my senses, feeling cold from nerves, as we strolled along the sidewalk from the
cafe. Her hand was in mine acting as an anchor for my mind. We walked for about ten minutes
and I steered her quietly in the direction of the park that I knew would be empty at this time of
night.

“Where are we going?” she asked, playfully pushing me.

“You’ll see,” I promised with a smile. She released my hand to hug herself closely to me and I
pulled her close in return. The park appeared as we turned the corner and I tried to push my
doubts away.

“The park?” she asked, sounding amused. “We’re going to the park?”

“Maybe,” I answered mysteriously and tugged her toward the gate. The moonlight filtered
through the canopy of trees wonderfully and she smiled as she tilted her face upwards to catch
the light. I caught my breath and my hand fell to my pocket, fingering the box secretively.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked, hugging her from behind. She sank into my arms and I
smiled despite what I was about to do.

“Okay.”

“Close your eyes.”

“That’s not a question.”

“Just do it.”

“Okay.” She complied, shutting her eyes and I slid my arms from around her. She frowned
lightly and the lines on her forehead were unintentionally adorable. I paused, taking a big breath
and reaching down in my pocket to pull the box out.

I kneeled down in front of her and popped the box open. Her forehead wrinkled further at the
noise and I took a breath before telling her to open her eyes. She gasped, looking more than a
little floored.

“Bella,” I started, taking the plunge. “I love you more than anything in this world and I want to
spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Her eyes were wide and unreadable as I looked into them and I felt the first trickle of dread slide
through me. It wasn’t supposed to take her this long to decide, was it?

“Edward, I’m not ready. I can’t.” She blurted out suddenly, taking a few steps back. She shook
her head, looking terrified as she stared down at the ring in my hand. I felt the bottom of my
stomach drop out as her words hit me and I stood up slowly, snapping the box shut.

“What do you mean you’re not ready?” I asked hollowly. I had been so sure...how could this be
going so wrong?

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

--

I didn‟t open my eyes immediately as I drifted to consciousness, the last remnants of my dreams
still in fragments behind my eyelids. I took a deep, steadying breath as I felt Bella‟s warm body
curled against my side. I banished the bad memory from my mind and shifted so I could brush
my lips against her forehead. I refused to start this day off with any lingering sadness from the
past.

She murmured in her sleep and I smiled at the old habit of hers, remembering the countless
nights I had spent listening to the things she would reveal in her sleep. I let her sleep on until she
started to rouse herself about twenty minutes later. She snuggled closer to me, her arm reaching
across my chest as she squirmed out of her sleep.

“Good morning,” I greeted her softly as her eyes fluttered open. She smiled sleepily and rested
her chin on my chest to look up at me.

“Morning,” she said in return, scooting up to peck me lightly on the lips.

“How did you sleep?” I asked her, already knowing she‟d slept much better than last night.

“Good, really good,” she assured me.

“Why don‟t you go get ready and then I‟ll take you out to breakfast, okay?” I offered, knowing
that our peaceful morning couldn‟t last forever. She smiled and wiggled out from under my
grasp. She leaned over the bed, exposing her bare back to me as she reached for her t-shirt from
last night. I sat up and kissed along her spine gently, letting my hand rest on her hip. She paused

in her fishing and looked over her shoulder at me playfully.

“I thought you wanted me to get ready,” she said teasingly and turned back to trying to grab her
shirt.

“Doesn‟t mean I can‟t enjoy the view.” I shrugged.

--

A little later in the morning, we found ourselves sitting across from each other at a small cafe a
few blocks away from my apartment.

“So, how‟s your job going?” she asked as we settled in. “I don‟t hear about it much.”

“It‟s alright.” I shrugged. “I guess it‟s growing on me.”

She laughed, her face flickering in slight confusion.

“It wasn‟t that great at first,” I admitted for the first time out loud. “I was mostly just a
centerpiece for their gossip mill, but now that they‟ve thoroughly perused my life, it‟s fine. It‟s
nice to get back into the music scene here; I didn‟t realize I missed it so much.”

It was also nice to finally get to talk about it, I realized. Everyone had been so worried about my
personal life, no one had bothered asking me about my work in forever.

“You know I‟m always up for going with you to gigs,” she offered and I smiled at the resurgence
of an old tradition of ours. She would come with me to see mostly awful local bands and then we
would go home where she would cook dinner and laugh with me as I wrote the review. The prick
of remembrance brought the subject we were dancing around to mind.

“Bella,” I started, taking her hand across the still empty table. Her face grew serious as she
sensed the topic was about to shift. “Remember that epiphany I told you about?”

She nodded, but before I could continue our waitress interrupted us, wanting to take our orders. I
ordered for the both of us and she let us be. It took a moment for me to re-gather my train of
thought as I stared into Bella‟s deep, questioning eyes.

“Basically...” I trailed off and frustrated at my lack of words, I tugged at my hair. “What I mean
is...I realized yesterday that we have to let go of the past. We can‟t hold onto it or we‟ll never go
anywhere.”

She was silent, her fingers playing with mine as she gnawed on her lip. I took her silence as a
sign to continue.

“Look...I don‟t know how best to explain this,” I faltered and looked to her for help. “I just
know...Two years ago I loved you so much and I thought that I could never love you more, but I

was wrong.”

She frowned and I squeezed her hand, begging her to listen.

“I feel like we barely even knew each other or ourselves when I look back on our relationship
then, but I know myself now. And I can see that you‟ve grown into yourself too.” I paused and
this time it was her who twined her fingers in mine. “I will always regret that I took myself away
from you for two years just to learn that I needed to grow up a little, but maybe it needed to be
that way. Without that time apart, I don‟t think we would be able to be sitting across from each
other right now. We needed to have time apart so we would know how much we need each
other.”

Bella exhaled loudly and I watched as she processed what I felt was a wave of gibberish. Even
though I had spent half the day yesterday thinking about what I wanted to say, it still came out
garbled.

“Wow,” she breathed finally, nodding. “Wow,” she repeated herself, a strange look twisting her
face. Then, lifting her brown eyes to meet mine across the table she continued determinedly, “I
think you‟re right.”

--

Things continued to progress slowly, but steadily with Bella and I began to pick up the mess I‟d
made of my life. We‟d pushed aside any further talk of marriage and had tacitly decided to save
the subject for a future date when we were both ready to seriously consider the actual act, not
just the concept.

We fell into an easy rhythm with each other, but it was never quite the same rhythm we‟d had.
This time was different in all the right ways and it seemed like we had finally found a way to
work out our issues. Ever since that first morning after we‟d slept together, we had stepped onto
another plateau in our relationship that I was sure had never existed between us before.

Tonight, after almost a month, I was hosting my first official dinner part at my new apartment. I
had studiously avoided having our friends over, but Bella had finally insisted that I had to
sometime. I had ceded to her wishes, albeit reluctantly, and she had promised to bring something
from work so I wouldn‟t have to cook.

Her knock sounded on the door about a half hour before the rest were due to show up and I
sighed thankfully. Opening the door to see her arms full of two paper bags, I quickly took one
from her and she kissed me quickly for my trouble before following me into the kitchen.

“How was your day?” I asked, throwing the question behind me as I set the bag down on the
table. She shrugged, grabbing a beer from the fridge and leaning against the counter to drink it.

“Okay, I guess,” she answered thoughtfully, setting her beer down on the table and starting to
remove things from one of the bags. I followed suit, pulling a few foil dishes from the bag I had

carried in. “Nothing too exciting.”

“How much did you bring?” I asked in wonder as she started to assemble the spread. “There are
only six of us.”

“Yeah, and among those six is someone named Emmett Cullen,” she pointed out with a raised
eyebrow.I smiled and walked over to her to hug her from behind and lean my chin in the crook
of her neck, kissing it first.

“Good thinking,” I conceded after a moment, grabbing one of the rolls she had just finished
uncovering. She slapped my hand but didn‟t make me put it back, instead she went on with
uncovering the other pasta and salad she had brought.

I took a swig from her beer and she smiled at me slyly from where she was spooning the pasta
into a waiting dish. I grinned back at her and took another swig for good measure before putting
it back.

“Anything I can do to help?” I offered, even though I was sure I would rather just enjoy the view
of watching her lean over my counter.

“Mmm,” she hummed to herself and stood up with a sigh, putting the empty foil dish down
before wiping her hands off on a paper towel. “Did you already set the table?”

“Yes,” I answered readily. I had done that while killing time until she arrived. She peeked
around the corner to see the table and apparently approving, she nodded then shrugged.

“I can‟t think of anything else then,” she said and shook her head as she finished transferring the
last of the food. “Except go ahead and set these on the table.” She gestured to the dishes she‟d
just made up and I complied quickly. She followed me to the table and leaned against the wall
with a sigh. Once I had set the dishes down, I went over to her and twined my arms around her.
She leaned her forehead against mine and pursed her lips. I kissed them softly, sucking on her
bottom lip eagerly.

“I don‟t think we really have time to do that right now,” she whispered with a laugh, but didn‟t
stop me as I trailed kisses along her jaw and then back to her mouth. She leaned into me, rubbing
against me torturously as she let me kiss her.

A knock on the door interrupted us from going any further. I groaned, letting my head fall into
the hollow of her neck. She laughed and tousled my hair playfully.

“Edward,” she prompted me, making a move to walk towards the door but I held her fast.

“Can‟t we just pretend we don‟t hear them and spend the night alone together?” I asked
pleadingly, kissing along her collarbone. She pulled my face up gently and kissed me on the lips
before slowly disentangling herself from my arms.

“I‟ll get the door,” she informed me and went to leave, but then turned around. “But Edward?”

“Yeah?” I asked, trying not to be too put out. She walked back over to me, stepping into my
arms.

“While we do have to spend time with our friends occasionally,” she started, her lips so close to
mine I could almost feel their motion as she spoke. “I‟d rather spend all my nights alone with
you too.”

Epilogue

Bella.

Almost a year later.

--

“Bella, are we almost done here?” Alice asked, a whine biting at the edge of her voice. I ignored
it, but answered her anyway.

“Almost, I just want to be sure everything is perfect,” I assured her and took one last sweeping
look of the park.

“You‟ve been inspecting the same corner of trees for the past thirty minutes,” Alice pointed out,
sounding a bit more patient now. “We still have to get home and get you ready, you know.”

“That won‟t take that long,” I brushed her off, but began to lead the way out of the park anyway,
retracing our steps carefully. I wanted to be sure I knew exactly how to get to the spot I wanted
tonight.

Alice didn‟t comment, but excitedly stepped ahead of me, hurrying us onwards back to her car.
She sped us back to the apartment, chatting the whole way there about anything and everything,
as if she knew I needed some distraction from the possible catastrophe that tonight could end up
being.

We pulled up to our apartment complex in record time and I got out to follow Alice in at a much
slower pace. My mind raced with doubts about what I was doing; I knew it was far from
traditional but it was what I wanted. What I knew we both wanted.

Alice had left the door cracked open for me and I slipped into our apartment quietly. She was
chatting on the phone and gestured for me to go shower and change. I gladly complied, ready to
shed the sweaty clothes from today‟s adventure through the park.

Thirty minutes later, I was stepping into the simple black dress I‟d chosen for tonight. I walked
out to the living room to find Alice flipping listlessly through channels on the television. She
perked up visibly when she saw me waiting for her.

“Ready for hair?” she asked, getting up from the couch and tossing the remote behind her.

“Yeah, go ahead and work your magic,” I agreed and we retreated back to her room where she
had a curling iron already sitting out.

“So, do you think he has any idea?” Alice questioned as she began to brush my hair.

“I don‟t think so,” I answered, seriously weighing the question. “He technically planned the
whole night, so I doubt he suspects I‟m adding anything onto it.”

“Excellent,” she said. Her fingers expertly guided my hair into curls I could have never achieved
on my own. She worked quietly, letting me drift into my plans and compose myself before
Edward showed up to pick me up.

Some hair pulling and a light dusting of make-up later, I was ready for our dinner. I felt the light
dancing of nerves in my stomach as I waited on the couch for Edward. The minutes ticked by
and Alice did her best to distract me by chatting about Jasper. It might as well have gone in one
ear and out the other, but I knew she understood.

Finally, his familiar rap sounded on the door.

I got up on shaky legs to answer the door. From her spot on the couch, Alice flashed me a
thumbs-up and grinned at me. It did little to quell the mounting nervousness I felt inside. I took a
deep breath and opened the door to a bouquet of roses.

I smiled and he stepped forward wordlessly to kiss me deeply. I melted into the kiss, letting it
banish the last of my uneasiness about tonight and when I pulled away I felt all but ready to skip
dinner entirely and lead him straight to the park.

“Happy anniversary,” he said softly, gently handing me the roses. Alice appeared behind me
suddenly and pried them gently from my fingers with a wink. I hardly even registered her
disappearing into the kitchen. The green eyes of the man standing in front of me had entirely
captivated my attention, even if I knew their every fleck by heart.

“Happy anniversary,” I whispered in return when I found my voice.

“Ready to go?” he asked, offering me his arm. I nodded, threading my arm through his easily. I
leaned my head on his shoulder in content as he led me out to his car. Before opening my door,
he pushed my hips gently against the car and captured my lips again possessively. I moaned into
his kiss, letting our tongues tangle together as his hands threaded into my curls. His mouth
lingered against mine for a long moment after he pulled back minutely.

“You look spectacular tonight, by the way,” he commented huskily before letting me go. I
shivered, but not from the cold, feeling dazed as he grabbed the door handle behind me to open
the door for me. I climbed into the car slowly, trying to regain my wits from his kiss.

The night from that point on was almost a blur to me. Edward thoroughly wined and dined me,
leaving me feeling more than a little dazed. He had more in store for me than I had thought, but
that didn‟t derail me. Alice and I had meticulously planned my detour for the night and there
would be no failure as far as getting there at least. The rest was up to me.

The small, romantic restaurant Edward had chosen for the night was about three blocks from the
park. It would be a feat in the heels I‟d chosen, but not impossible by any stretch. Besides, if I
fell, I always had Edward to pick me up off the sidewalk.

The moment we stepped outside after dinner, I put the first part of the plan into action.

“Walk with me?” I asked, offering my hand and knowing he wouldn‟t refuse. He smiled and
nodded, content to walk quietly with me for the time. I was thankful for that, at least; my mouth
was as dry as a cotton ball at the moment.

We walked two of the three blocks in relative silence. He had a peaceful smile on his face as I
led him as subtly as I could through the city. There weren‟t too many people out and about on the
street as we walked, but the city still hummed with life just under the surface.

When we were about a block away, I stopped our progress, pulling on his hand.

“Stop,” I ordered him gently and he smiled, confused by my action. “I just want to say that I‟ve
had the most incredible night tonight and that I love you.”

Just in case things go horribly wrong, even if I don’t think they actually will, I added silently.

“I‟m glad,” he said, his voice deep and soothing. I nodded, satisfied and made as if to continue
down the block but this time he stopped me. “Bella, do you mind me asking what this is all
about?”

I turned back to see his face calculating, but far from unhappy. I decided to feign confusion.

“What do mean?” I asked innocently. “I was just thanking you for a great evening.”

He stepped closer to me, encircling me in his arms and looking down at me, a smile dancing
across his face.

“Where are you taking me?”

“What makes you think I‟m taking you somewhere?” I asked and suddenly feeling playful, I
wiggled free of his arms and started to walk down the street without him, throwing him a
challenging look over my shoulder. He caught up to me in no time, not asking any more

questions.

We made quick time, covering the block in minutes, and the park veered into view suddenly.

“Bella?” Edward questioned suddenly as the trees came into focus from out of the shadows.
“What --?”

I shushed him, putting a hand over his mouth with a smile. Anxiously, I checked for any sign of
unhappiness in his eyes, but i only saw questions. I took that as a good sign.

“Come with me,” I whispered, offering my hand to him for the second time that night. He took it
without hesitation, letting me lead him into the mostly dark park that was lit only by the lamps
interspersed along the pathway. I led us down the now almost familiar path until I reached the
right spot. I turned back to him sharply to see him taking in the trees around us with a softly
nostalgic look on his face. I felt a pang as I wondered what thoughts were going through his head
at the moment. I hoped they didn‟t hurt him anymore.

I took a deep breath and took both his hands in mine, meeting his eyes before I could find the
confidence to continue with my plan.

“Edward,” I whispered, echoing his words from so long ago. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes,” he answered readily, squeezing my hands in his. I smiled, feeling a shiver I wasn‟t sure
was from nerves or excitement run through me like electricity.

“Close your eyes,” I said softly.

“That‟s not a question,” he played along and I smiled weakly at my own long-lost dig.

“Just do it,” I ordered, gaining confidence now as I took in a few deep breaths. His lips quirked
into a small smile. Looking around, he took a moment to take in the scene one more time, his
green eyes searching mine carefully, before he let them drift closed.

“Okay,” he whispered. It was less of a confirmation and more of an encouragement. He hands
squeezed mine one more time before he let them drop to his sides. I took a deep, steadying breath
and drew the words I‟d thought about so many times to mind.

I let my fingers trace gently along his jaw and the bottom pout of his lip before reaching up to
kiss him chastely on the lips. His eyes fluttered open slowly after I pulled away and I almost lost
my purpose as I saw the emotion burning in his eyes.

“Edward,” I started, swallowing hard before continuing. “I love you more than life itself and I
can‟t think of anyone else who could ever compare to your presence in my life. I can‟t live
without you and I don‟t want to ever again.”

I paused and he tucked my hair behind my ears, a soft, understanding smile on his face as I

gathered myself. I caught his hands in mine, pressing my lips against them and never letting my
eyes leave his.

“Will you marry me?” I asked finally, my voice quiet but firm. The light that suddenly rushed to
Edward‟s face was a sight I would tuck into my memory for all time. He smiled the most
brilliant smile I‟d ever seen and suddenly his lips were everywhere they could easily reach,
returning again and again to my mouth.

“Bella,” he murmured, his voice worshipful. “Yes, always yes.”

I thrilled to his words and threw my arms around him forcefully. He hugged me tightly in return,
burying his face in my hair and not letting go. Not that I wanted him to let me go soon anyway. I
wanted to spend the rest of my life in his arms.

~*~

The End

~*~