On Thin Ice 1

On Thin Ice 1
Victoria Villeneuve
Copyright 2013 by Victoria Villeneuve
Smashwords Edition

I stared at the clock on the other side of the wall. Its monotonous ticking let me know time after

time that another second of my life had slipped away, another second was gone that I could never get
back. It didn’t matter though. As far as I was concerned, the closer I was to death, the better. After all,
what was the point of being on this earth for however many more seconds? In the end everyone dies,
most of us having done absolutely nothing noteworthy to either help or harm mankind.

These sombre thoughts were normal for me these days. I’m sure it’s the sort of thing my therapist

would love to hear, the sort of thing she would encourage. I smiled to myself as I thought about her
encouraging me to speak, encouraging me to speak my mind. I knew my complete lack of interest in
telling her about my thoughts, in telling her about what goes on in my head, frustrated her.

“Kylie, you need to allow yourself to heal. You can’t continue to punish yourself, or you’ll never

move on with your life.”

What Doctor Emma, as everyone called her, didn’t realize, was that I didn’t want to heal. I

wasn’t going to heal. I wanted to wallow in my depression, I wanted to punish myself. I deserved
every terrible thought that crossed my mind, no matter what anyone said.

Finally, enough ticks of my life had slipped past that the minute hand was veering closer and

closer to the top of the clock. I was going to be late if I didn’t get going soon. I got up off the couch I
was lying on and made my way through the hallway.

Sometimes I wondered why they painted the hallways in this place beige. It was so sterile, so

boring. It was like they did the absolute bare minimum they had to in order to make this place seem
like not a doctor’s office, and justify the prices they charged to attend this place. I always thought to
myself that maybe the people in here would be happier if the walls were purple, and blue, and red,
and yellow. Of course, there was always a chance some of the people who were addicted to
substances far more mind altering than I would think they were high, and perhaps it wasn’t the best
idea. Still, I didn’t think it would kill them to add a bit of color to the place.

I guess rehab centers in general aren’t supposed to be homely. They’re supposed to be a place

where you go in, get off whatever you were addicted to, and get out, hopefully with a better mindset
to tackle the problems of real life without a relapse. In my case, it was alcohol. For me, as with so
many other people, the addiction to alcohol was a reaction to something in my life. I had never had a
problem with alcohol before, until I did. The real problem was getting over what had happened, and I
knew that wasn’t something I was going to do. I didn’t want to do it. If I let myself get over it, that
was letting me off easy. I didn’t deserve to be free from those memories.

When I was maybe thirty yards down the hall I reached the door I wanted, turned the knob and let

myself in.

As always, the room had a bit more than a dozen chairs spread in a circle, half of them already

filled. I sat about as far as I could from Doctor Emma, who took the chair facing the door. I vaguely
looked around, all of the faces in the chairs the same familiar ones as were there every Tuesday and

Thursday afternoon.

Sitting next to Doctor Emma, as always, was Sam. He had been in a car accident about a year

ago and gotten addicted to painkillers. When his wife left, he finally realized he had a problem, and
checked himself into the clinic. He had a beard now, and his black hair was getting pretty scraggly,
but I could still tell there was a handsome man lurking under there somewhere. When he went back to
the real world, I always thought Sam would be fine. He had run a successful business, which I think
his son was now in charge of while he was here.

Amanda sat next to Sam. She was what most people think of when they think of drug addicts. She

got in with a bad crowd in high school and became addicted to meth. She pimped herself out for a
while, but her rich family found her and forced her into rehab. The brown roots of her platinum
blonde hair were showing, but at least it had stopped falling out as much as it had before. She was
starting to put on weight, but I could still see her ribs through the tight tank top she wore with skinny
jeans that somehow managed to look loose on her. I had never seen skinny jeans look loose on
anyone before. Amanda was nice enough, but quiet. She mostly kept to herself, and I was fine with
that.

Two chairs to Doctor Emma’s left was Fiona. She was an alcoholic like myself, although she

was about fifteen years older, and probably the closest thing I had to a friend in here. She had brown
hair down to her shoulders in one of those trendy cuts you might expect Victoria Beckham to wear,
and eyes of the exact same shade. Her face was always perfectly made up. Even when she was at her
worst, she always wore so much makeup sometimes I wondered if I’d ever seen her real face. I didn’t
know why she was in here apart from the alcoholism. I didn’t know if she had a deep seated secret
that led her to drinking, if something in her life, a memory had made it worse. She was like me, she
didn’t like to share, and I think that was why we found ourselves making a connection. We never
spoke about what we were in here for. I only knew her addiction was alcohol, like mine. She nodded
at me as I caught her eye. We would speak about banalities, about things that didn’t matter, and it
made us both happier.

I sat down in my chair and stared at the floor. There was a piece of dirt almost exactly in the

center of one of the tiles, and I willed it to move an inch to the left to be in perfect symmetry with the
rest of the floor. I had always been a little bit crazy like that. Time to zone out for an hour. I never
participated in these group therapy sessions. Why bother? I was broken, I didn’t want to heal. What
was the point? I was vaguely aware of a slow procession of more people, another half dozen or so
coming in. Chairs screeched against the linoleum floor as the residents of the Charles Madison Center
for Sobriety all took their seats, ready for the biweekly session of sharing their lives with strangers.

Doctor Emma said nothing, flipping through the notes on her lap as people entered,

absentmindedly playing with a strand of her straight, long black hair, until all of the chairs had been
filled. Then she looked around the room, cleared her throat and began to speak.

“Welcome, everyone. Thank you for coming.” Right. She said this every week, as though we had

any choice in the matter.

“Before we begin, I’d like to introduce you all to the newest member of our group. Daniel, we

would all appreciate it if you told us a few words about yourself.”

I dragged my eyes away from the speck of dirt on the floor to see who the new guy was. I looked

up and noticed everyone looking to my left. He was three seats away from me, and as soon as I saw
him, my breath caught in my throat.

Daniel was hands down the sexiest man I’d ever seen in my life. I was pretty sure I just stared at

him for a while, my jaw hanging wide open. His eyes were dark, deep pools of mystery. His hair was
of the same color, scruffy, but not overly so. It gave him that perfect just-got-out-of-bed look. His jaw
had a hint of stubble, but his cheekbones, as perfect as if they’d been carved from marble, were still
noticeable underneath.

A shiver shot down my spine, a shiver unlike any I’d felt in a long, long time. My eyes moved

away from his perfect face down to his body. The tight, long sleeved sports shirt he wore showed off
the fact that he was incredibly muscular. I could see the ripples and bulges in all the right places, and
although I couldn’t tell for sure, I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a six pack under that
fabric. Despite the athletic top he wore jeans and sneakers to finish off his outfit, and as he shifted in
his chair to start speaking, my mouth went dry.

“Hey, I’m Daniel. I, um, I’m here because I’m addicted to pain meds, and because my boss says I

can’t go back to work until I’m over it.” He smiled when he said that last bit, and I thought I was
going to melt right there in my chair and ooze down to the floor. What the hell was wrong with me?

“Hi Daniel” came the monotonous chant from everyone except me; I was busy trying to figure out

why my heart rate had suddenly shot through the roof and why my blood felt like it was simmering
inside of me. This wasn’t the sort of reaction I was used to having when new people were introduced.
Hell, this wasn’t the sort of reaction I was used to having, at all. For months now I had only felt pain,
guilt and sadness. Feelings like this, feeling like something inside of me was tingling, feeling like my
entire body was on fire, this sort of thing wasn’t what I was used to.

“Excellent. We welcome Daniel to our group, and we hope to share in his journey of healing”

Doctor Emma continued, before she began to flip through her notes.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Daniel. I have no idea what Doctor Emma said next, all I could think

about was that man sitting only a few feet away. I didn’t understand what these feelings running
through my body were. I had never felt anything like this before. What was my body doing? Why was
I staring at this guy? I began to squirm in my seat, feeling the heat building up inside of me. Suddenly,
I heard my name called.

“Kylie? Kylie, are you listening?”
“Sorry Doctor Emma. I must have zoned out for a second. Could you repeat that?”
“Kylie, today we’re discussing the impact sports have had in our lives. I’m wondering if there’s

anything you would like to share with us on the topic?” Doctor Emma asked, her hazel eyes earnestly
looking at me, hoping against all hope that today would be the day I would spill, that today I would
reveal all of my secrets and start to heal.

I wasn’t going to. I had come in here planning on giving my usual excuse as to why I didn’t want

to participate in the discussion. But I looked around and saw Daniel’s face expectantly looking at
mine, and something made me tell a story. For the first time in the months that I had been here, for the
first time after coming here twice a week and making up reasons as to why I didn’t want to share, I
spoke. After all, sports had nothing to do with the history of my life. Sure, I played some as a kid, but
it had nothing to do with my life now, and it certainly wasn’t going to help me heal. I figured I could
tell one little story. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually done something like this, actually
tried to impress a man. I couldn’t deny that was why I did it. I was trying to impress this Daniel guy,
and I had no idea why.

“I didn’t play a lot of organized sports when I was little, but I would play soccer with my friends

at recess or after school, and I rode my bike along the road a lot. There was another girl in my class
though, Kirsten Gill, who played every sport imaginable. One day she came to class with her leg in a
cast. She had broken it that weekend skiing, and she got so much attention I was unexplainably
jealous. I have no idea what got into me, I had never been jealous like that before.”

I paused and smiled to myself slightly at the silliness of what I was about to admit.
“That afternoon,” I continued, “I took my bike out onto the road and decided to pedal as fast as I

could and jump off, in the hopes that I would also break something, and that I would get as much
attention as Kirsten did. I went all the way down the hill at the end of the street as fast as I could, then
lost control and went tumbling to the ground. When I got up, there were blood and scrapes all over
me. My entire body stung, and I cried the whole walk back to the house. The only good thing was I
looked so awful I was certain I was going to get at least as much attention as Kirsten did, even though
I didn’t have a cast. Well, my mom made me stay home from school for a week while I recovered, so
no one ever even got to see my injuries. I cried every single day from a combination of the pain and
the sadness at not getting to have everyone fawn over me. It’s so silly when I think about it now, I
can’t even imagine why I would have thought it was a good idea, but there you go.”

“Thank you for sharing, Kylie” Doctor Emma told me. If she was pleased or surprised at my

sharing, she didn’t show it at all. I looked around. Daniel was looking at me, a small smile on his face
that I couldn’t quite make out. I could feel a blush crawling up my face. Did I have a crush on this
guy?

“Daniel, would you like to tell us about the impact sports has had on your life?”
Daniel nodded. When he spoke, his low, manly voice sent shivers running through me.
“Sports has affected every part of my life. I guess like most guys, I grew up playing sports. I think

sports, more than school or anything else, has turned me into the person I am today.”

I wondered if that meant his addiction as well. I began to wonder about Daniel. What brought

him here? Was he going to stay long? What happened in his life that led to his addiction? This was a
center for people who could afford to come here. This wasn’t a center for the poor. I was lucky that
my parents were willing to pay the bills, although I was too ashamed to face them. I wondered what
Daniel did in his other life. Was he a lawyer? A doctor, like I had studied to be? Somehow, none of
those seemed to fit.

For the first time since I’d come here, I wasn’t happy that Doctor Emma let us go. I wanted to

stay in the circle, hear more about this Daniel guy. I had no idea why my body reacted the way it did
at him. That wasn’t like me at all. I hadn’t had a boyfriend in years now. Hell, I hadn’t ever had a
reaction like this to a man, even when I was dating. What was my problem?

Doctor Emma encouraged us to come and see her whenever we needed, as she always did,

before we all stood up and left. I didn’t wait for Fiona as I usually did, instead I immediately left the
room and went back into the sterile, beige hallway. I needed to go to my room and figure out what the
hell was going on with me. I needed to figure out why my body reacted like this.

“Excuse me, wait!” I suddenly heard a voice behind me, as fingers tapped my shoulders lightly,

and I froze. I turned around slowly, and found myself staring into Daniel’s chest. That perfectly
formed, muscular chest. Looking up I found his face, my eyes looking directly into his deep brown
ones. There was pain in those eyes, but also curiosity.

“I just wanted to tell you, I really liked your story,” Daniel told me, shooting me that smile that

sent fire running through me once more. Standing now, my legs felt like jelly, like I was going to faint

just from being in Daniel’s presence.

“Thanks,” I told him, trying to smile.
“Kylie,” Daniel repeated, slowly, as though trying on the name for the first time. The way he had

just said my name, it sounded so different coming from his mouth. It sounded so pure, so sexy
somehow, not the plain Jane name I always thought of it as.

“That was your name, right? It’s nice to meet you Kylie” Daniel told me, flashing me another

smile as he held out his hand.

“Yeah. You too,” were the only words I could muster in reply, and even they sounded dumb and

hollow coming from my mouth. I stood there in silence I watched Daniel continue down the hallway. I
wondered what his story was, where he came from. There was something about him, something that I
couldn’t quite place my finger on it but that made my body react in ways I just wasn’t used to when he
was around me. I wasn’t comfortable with it, I didn’t like it. I could really use a drink right now I
thought to myself, but I quickly forced the thought from my brain. I wasn’t going there. Absolutely not.
Not again. I might not want to heal, but I also didn’t want to depend on alcohol to make the pain go
away again.

“Hey, new guy’s pretty hot, don’t you think?” Fiona asked as she came up next to me.
“I guess he’s okay. I hadn’t really noticed,” I lied in reply, not really wanting to confide with

anybody as to what I had just felt.

“Bullshit! Don’t think I didn’t notice you spent the entire group therapy section staring at the guy,

not to mention you actually said something for the first time ever.”

“I did not!” I protested, but I knew my words were falling on empty ears. “I just figured I’d tell

my story because Doctor Emma’s been on my case about letting my feelings out, about trying to heal,
and that story about me jumping off my bike has absolutely nothing to do with my life now.”

“Whatever you say dear,” Fiona replied, obviously not believing my terrible excuses. “I don’t

think it’s a bad thing, personally. Boys are fun, just don’t get too attached to them.”

“You’re impossible. Where is he from anyways?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything about him at all. My guess is some rich kid who played

lacrosse in college.”

“Really? You think he’s that young?” I would’ve placed Daniel’s age at closer to 30, which

would have made him a full six years older than me.

“I guess not. When you get old like me, Kylie, it becomes a lot harder to tell people’s ages.

You’ll know one day.”

“You’re ancient Fiona, I guess late 30s is the new late 70s,” I told her, rolling my eyes.
“Whatever. I have a date with Sam to play Monopoly in the lounge, because unlike you I’m not

afraid of boys and just because I’m an alcoholic doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun.”

“You and I both know that you cheat at Monopoly and that this place has a strict no dating policy.

Sam’s about to be disappointed on two levels.”

“Sure, but as long as it’s only pretend, there’s no problem!”
I laughed to myself as I watched Fiona walk down the hall. She was looking good. I was already

here when Fiona arrived, I’d been at the clinic for around a month. She had looked like the perfect
suburban housewife then, well dressed, healthy looking. I never would have guessed she had a
drinking problem if I’d seen her in the street.

The next few weeks had been hard on her. She lost a lot of weight, I knew she wasn’t eating, the

bags under her eyes indicated that she wasn’t sleeping either. We never talked about our problems,
but slowly she began to get better, and I realized as she walked down the hall that she was looking a
lot better. I wondered if it wasn’t going to be too long before she would be discharged, going back to
her family, her two kids in college still not knowing that she was here. They both went to colleges out
of state, and seeing as it was the middle of the school year, as long as Fiona was out of here sometime
in the next two months they would never even know she had been gone.

It was selfish, but a part of me wanted her to stay. I knew I had gone through the same

withdrawal symptoms as she had. I had lost all the weight, I had the insomnia, I also went through
depression, fatigue, anxiety and tremors. In the first week after I had completely given up the alcohol,
I stayed in bed for days without getting out at all. I wanted to curl up and die.

I knew I looked better too. I had put back on all of the weight that I had lost, so I now looked like

a normal sized young woman again rather than the almost-anorexic look I had before, my brain was no
longer foggy, I sometimes experienced a good night’s sleep, although nightmares frequently
interrupted that, and my anxiety and tremors were gone completely. From a physical point of view, I
was healed. But the reason why I stayed, the reason why I had to stay, was that mentally I wasn’t even
close to being able to face the real world. I didn’t know if I would relapse if I had to go back out
there. It was easy to think that I would be fine, that I would go to AA meetings and live my life, but I
also knew my problems were deeper than the alcohol, and those deeper problems were nowhere near
being resolved. That was mostly my fault though, I didn’t want to resolve them.

I had actually come to accept my reality. I was probably going to stay here forever, or at least

until my parents got tired of paying for it. I knew they’d never stop though, I knew they would spend
every last dime they had if it meant the possibility of their only daughter being ‘fixed’, as they put it.

Unfortunately I knew that I would never heal. Nothing could change what I had done, nothing

would ever change it. That night in June, just over a year ago now, changed my life completely. I
should have died, and quite frankly I wish I did. My life was pointless now, an empty shell waiting
for enough ticks of the clock to pass before my body gave away at last and let me die.

Sometimes I wished I had the courage to take my own life. It would be so much easier, just to

slip away from this earth and leave all of the feelings of guilt behind. But I could never bring myself
to do it. Something always stopped me. No matter how depressed I got, no matter how much I wished
I had died that night, no matter how much I convinced myself that my life was pointless, I could never
bring myself to end it. I had to live with this pain, this guilt, this punishment and advancing my death
was taking the easy way out.

I went back to my room and lay down on my bed. My room was basically the only part of this

building that I actually liked. It wasn’t white and steril, it was homely and it was mine. The walls
were painted a pale blue, the Queen size bed in the middle of the room with its brown wooden
headboard had a lovely navy blue comforter. The antique style cabinet in the corner which held my
clothes also held a few photos that were dear to me. Against the far wall was a small desk with my
laptop and a few books. It’s funny, when I was in pre-med and then medical school I was always
surrounded by books, most of them so heavy to lug around that it was easier to do my workouts at
home rather than in the gym. Yet now I only had a single copy of Gray’s Anatomy and a couple
Agatha Christie novels on my shelf. A round rug in the center of the floor finished the room, which
was simple but elegant. Just the way I liked it.

I stared at the ceiling as I thought about my reaction to Daniel. Was this another withdrawal

symptom, one that I hadn’t experienced? It had been a long time since I had any alcohol, a bit over
three months I suppose. Doctor Emma told me that most of the physical symptoms would be gone by
now, though everybody was different and there was a possibility that I would be susceptible to more
physical symptoms in the future.

What if it wasn’t a withdrawal symptom? What if it was just my body dealing with the physical

attraction to another human being of the opposite sex? God, even thinking those words reminded me
of medical school. That was such a clinical way of putting the fact that I was ridiculously turned on
by Daniel. What was strange about it was I didn’t understand why. I have never reacted like that any
man before, and I had serious boyfriends in my life. There weren’t many, of course, but I had
fantasized about marrying two of them one day, which was my own personal litmus test as to whether
or not I considered a relationship serious.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by knock the door. I rolled my eyes as I got out of bed,

figuring it must be Doctor Emma. I hope she’s not coming in here to congratulate me on talking in
today’s therapy session. I opened the door and found myself looking at Amanda.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” I asked. Amanda was nice and all, but we never really spoke

and she certainly had never come to my room before.

“I was in the lounge and found Fiona and Sam playing Monopoly, and Fiona mentioned that you

wanted to know about Daniel’s history. You know, the new guy.”

“Oh yeah, I did,” I replied, trying to sound as casual as possible.
“Kevin told me who he was. You know how Kevin loves hockey? Well, turns out Daniel is

actually Daniel Ross, the captain of the Seattle Sea Lions hockey team.”

“Shit, really?”
Amanda nodded. “Yeah, I looked it up on the Internet after Kevin told me. It’s all definitely true,

it’s him.”

“That’s pretty cool, I didn’t think he was the lawyer type we usually get around here.”
“Yeah. Anyway, I gotta get back.”
“Of course, no problem. Thanks for the info Amanda.”
Without knowing why, I immediately moved to my computer and open the lid. My laptop burst

into life, and I quickly typed in the password and waited for it to load. I rapped my fingers against the
desk with impatience as the old machine creaked and groaned its way into function.

I finally opened Google, and typed in the name. Daniel Mallard. His Wikipedia entry came up

first, and I clicked on it. This was exciting, I had never actually met anybody in my life who had their
own Wikipedia page. When I was in high school my friends and I would look people up on Facebook,
but that was it.

I slowly read the words on the page, devouring the clinical biography on the page like it was the

most sensational novel I’d ever read. Daniel grew up in Canada, starting to play hockey when he was
four years old. He made his way into the junior leagues and was drafted in the first round, making his
debut in the NHL that year.

Four years later he was made captain of his team, making him the youngest captain in the history

of the Seattle Sea Lions. He was a goal scorer, having scored 37 in his last season. Then, I got to the
section about his injury.

That was where I stopped reading. A part of my brain complained. It’s written on the internet.

It’s public information. You aren’t really snooping or anything, you’re reading Wikipedia. Just

scroll down the page and see what happened. Another part of me, however, stopped me. Even
though it was public info, even though that sort of thing was on the internet for everyone to see, I
wasn’t really part of the public anymore. I was in a rehab center, a place where people are trying to
get better. Well, except me. I don’t want to get better, ever. But I can understand that others do, and I
know all too well the desire for privacy.

It wasn’t my place to read about Daniel’s injury like this. Maybe after he left the clinic, I would

read about it for myself, and see what had happened to him. But for now, that was his story, and I
didn’t want to intrude on his privacy. I closed the window and thought about him. Whatever
happened, it must have been incredibly difficult for him, seeing as he ended up addicted to the pills. I
felt a pang of pity in my heart for him, an emotion I had never really felt so strongly with anyone else
in here, even Fiona.

Why do you care so much about this? You don’t even know the guy Kylie. I argued with myself

for a while, trying to figure why I was so into this guy. Was it just his rugged good looks, and the fact
that I hadn’t been with the guy in so long? Was my body trying to make up for it? I went back to my
bed and collapsed onto it. This dreaming about Daniel was taking away from my usual habit of guilt
and self-loathing, and it scared me.

* * *

I didn’t see Daniel again for the next couple of days. After all, I normally hid in my room most of

the time, except for when we did sports, or had group or single therapy, or did arts and crafts.

Doctor Emma ended up congratulating me on talking when I saw her for our weekly one-on-one

therapy session the next day.

“I’m glad you decided to tell us your story, Kylie. I hope it was the first of many, I hope that you

have finally decided to embrace your ability to heal.”

I gave her a few non-committal answers. I knew I wasn’t going to do that again. I wasn’t going to

be speaking every week.

But three days after Daniel arrived I decided to go to dinner at a reasonable hour, rather than

eating either before or after anyone else, as was my usual habit. I sat at my table in the back, alone.
Normally when I was here with others Fiona came and sat with me, but she was absent tonight. I
wondered to myself if she’d gotten a day pass, a chance to go out with her husband in the real world.
She had been looking good enough that I wouldn’t have been surprised if Doctor Emma gave her that
chance.

I picked at my food, not really into the lasagna they were serving, when I felt someone in front of

me. I looked and saw Daniel, holding a tray so full of food I was surprised the cheap plastic tray
holding his plate didn’t crack in half. Instantly my breath caught in my throat. My senses were
completely out of control as adrenaline rushed through my body. Fire coursed through me and my
heart began to pound so loudly in my chest I was sure Daniel could hear it as he smiled and asked me
if anyone was sitting at the table with me.

“No... no, it’s empty,” I replied, trying to smile back. I could feel my panties getting wet at just

the sight of him. Oh God, what was happening to me?

“Thanks. It was Kylie, right?” he asked, digging into his enormous plate of lasagna, topped with

what looked like an extra chicken breast, a dry salad on the side and a bottle of chocolate milk to
wash it all down. Of course, I knew athletes expended an incredible amount of energy and needed a
lot of food to make up for it, but to see that plate in front of me was just different. The man looked like

he ate in a meal what I ate in a week!

“Yup, I’m Kylie,” I replied, hoping I sounded like a normal person. “I heard you’re a hockey

player, I would have guessed athlete without that info if I saw you eating that,” I continued, motioning
at his plate. I don’t know why I was so fixated on it. Maybe I thought that if I looked at his food, those
confusing feelings of desire that ran through me every time I looked at his beautiful face would
disappear.

“So the gossip has started already has it? This is actually a pretty small meal for me, now that I

can’t work out the way I used to I have to reduce my calorie intake. This feels like a diet.”

“I wish my diets involved eating that much food,” I joked, and Daniel laughed.
“Come to the gym in the basement with me tomorrow, I’ll put you through a workout that lets you

eat this much.”

“Are you asking me out?” I asked before I realized what I was saying, then instantly covered my

mouth in surprise at my own reaction.

“Maybe,” he replied with a grin, and my eyes widened as my body tightened. There was no way

to get out of it now.

“Fine. I’ll show up tomorrow and you can make me earn some extra ice cream for dessert.”
“I can’t wait. I never thought I’d find a pretty girl like you here in rehab. I guess I had a few pre-

conceived notions about this place.” As it seemed so prone to do lately, a blush crawled up my face
and I looked down at my food. A tingle of embarrassment and happiness crawled through me. I hadn’t
felt happiness like this in a long, long time.

“Even us beautiful people can be broken,” I replied with a small smile, then changed the subject.

“Do you ever get burnt out, playing hockey? That is, if I can ask you something like that.”

Daniel nodded as he shoved a big forkful of salad into his mouth. “Yup. When I think about it, I

started playing hockey seriously, considering it to be a career, when I was about twelve years old.
Before then it was just a fun thing to do with my friends, but when I was twelve I think I began to
realize that if I really took it seriously I could maybe hit the big leagues, and that was when I began to
treat it like a job. I’m 29 now, so it’s been seventeen years. For most people, who really start their
careers when they’re in their early 20s, seventeen years is almost forty. Prime age for a mid life
crisis, and I guess that’s what I’ve hit now, I’ve just done it ten years before most,” he replied with a
small, sad smile. As I looked into his eyes, I could see the pain there. I wondered about what had
happened to him.

“Do you know what happened to me?” he asked, curious. “I know it’s all over the internet, I just

don’t know if you’ve read about it at all or looked it up, or follow hockey.”

I shook my head. I figured I’d tell the truth. “I looked you up, I read up until the part that involved

your injury, and stopped reading. I figured it’s only fair to you.”

“Really? I really appreciate that, Kylie. I’m pretty sure you’re the only person here who hasn’t

looked it up, four people have come and asked me about it in the last few days.”

“Well, those four people should have respected your need to heal here just as they have. I don’t

like to talk about my past, I figure I have no right to look up other people’s without their permission.”

“Thanks, Kylie. I find it difficult to talk about as well, so I know exactly what you mean. But hey,

it’s dinner time, no need to harp on about our problems. I’m going to bed early tonight, but I’ll meet
you in the basement gym at 10 tomorrow morning.”

“Deal,” I smiled, watching as he got up from his chair, his plate now completely empty. I looked

down at my still barely touched meal. What was it about this guy? Why was it that I could feel my
nipples, hard and erect, pressing against the fabric of my bra, so hard they were almost painful? Why
could I feel that my panties were soaking wet when we’d done no more than talk, and maybe flirt just
a tiny bit?

I asked myself these questions and more as I forced the rest of my food into my mouth and went

back to my room. Were they withdrawal symptoms? Was this normal? Why did I feel like I’d been hit
by lightning every time I saw Daniel?

* * *

The next day I woke up at the crack of dawn as usual, had a shower, and got ready for my “date”.

I was sure it wasn’t a real date, just a way to spend the day with someone. It was a weird feeling, I
was actually looking forward to it. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked forward to anything.
It had been so long, I had almost forgotten what it felt like, and I instantly felt guilty. I didn’t deserve
to go to the gym and have fun. I regretted that I had agreed to it, but I was still looking forward to it.
Not to mention bailing now would have looked rude. Conflicting feelings seemed to be ruling my life
these last few days.

I threw on my shorts and a workout shirt and looked at myself in the mirror in my bathroom. I

hadn’t actually checked out my appearance in a long time. I didn’t look too bad, I guess. I still had a
pretty good body, my hair was silky smooth, and all of the terrible results alcoholism had ravaged on
my body were a thing of the past. No, my outward appearance was fine, it was just my brain that was
broken now. In fact, I’d even venture so far as to say I looked good.

I made my way down to the basement gym. This being one of those expensive rehab centers, it’s

kind of like expensive hotels: there’s always a gym, even though you never see anyone in them. The
only times I had ever been here was when I first arrived and been shown around, and one day when
the trainer for our sports group that met once a week decided we should learn how to use weights and
showed us all how to do some exercises one afternoon.

Sure enough, as usual, there was no one down there except for me. Daniel was nowhere in sight.

I was alone in this enormous room. Fluorescent lights shone down upon me, seeing as the room got no
natural light. Mirrors lined all four walls of the gym. To my left was a row of dumbbells, going from
one pound all the way to 100. The far wall was lined with machines that looked like torture
instruments. To my right was the cardio section. There were at least a dozen treadmills, elliptical
machines and spin cycles, which I imagined had never, ever all been used at once. Against the other
wall to my right was a section for yoga and other mat-based exercises, with stability balls and agility
equipment. Even for me, someone who had rarely ever spent any time in a gym, I could tell this place
was very well equipped.

Suddenly Daniel emerged from the dressing rooms behind a door to my right. He was drenched

in sweat, rubbing his wet hair with a towel, and it only made him hotter. I felt my knees going weak, a
tug in my nether regions, and I scolded myself to get it together.

“Hey” he greeted me with a grin. He wore shorts and a tank top that showed off his incredibly

muscular body. Daniel was even more ripped than I had originally thought. His biceps bulged as he
continued to wipe himself down, his pecs moved slightly, and under the tightness of his shirt I
confirmed my original suspicions: there was indeed a six pack underneath.

“Ready for a big day of training?” he asked enthusiastically, throwing the towel to the side.
“I guess so...” I stammered, looking around apprehensively. I was only too aware of the fact that

despite knowing a fair bit about the human body, I had never really trained mine that well.

“Don’t worry, the gym’s always intimidating the first few times. That’s totally normal. Luckily

for you, there’s no one else here except me, so you don’t need to feel self conscious or anything. In
like a week you’ll be strutting around here like you own the place.” I looked up at Daniel. In a week?
Did he expect me to do this again? With him? Regardless of what he thought, I appreciated his desire
to put me at ease.

“Thanks. I’ve never really been here before. Just once, the trainer showed us how to do some

exercises.”

“Cool. Did you like any of the stuff you did?”
“Not really. I mean, I can go on the treadmill and run for half an hour, or hop on the bike and do

something, but I kind of hated it. It was boring.”

“Did you try lifting any weights?”
“No, I don’t want to get big and bulky. I’d prefer it if your biceps stay bigger than mine.”
Daniel laughed, a good natured laugh. Every time I heard that sound I wanted to say whatever I

had to in order to get him to repeat it.

“Don’t worry, Kylie. There isn’t a chance in hell you’ll get bulky like me by accident. Plus

lifting weights rules. Let me take you through a routine. If you hate it, we’ll find something else.”

“Ok,” I smiled. I was apprehensive, but something about Daniel’s confidence and enthusiasm

here in the gym was infectious. He led me over to what he called a squat rack.

“I’m going to start by showing you how to do a squat,” he told me, putting a bar on the rack at

about his shoulder height. “Squats give you a great butt, on top of strong legs. And I like a girl with a
great butt,” he added with a wink, as my face went crimson. He showed me how to use the safeties to
make sure that if I couldn’t get back up I wouldn’t hurt myself, then did a few repetitions of a squat,
explaining the importance of form.

“Now try it here, without the bar, and I’ll make sure you’ve got your form right.”
At first I was self conscious as I bent down, making sure my hips were past being parallel with

my knees, but Daniel was encouraging and positive, and I quickly found myself actually enjoying the
burn that came with the workout. I managed to do sets with the 45 pound bar.

“Hey, congratulations! You’re naturally pretty strong, it’s pretty rare for someone as small as you

to be able to do the bar on their first day. I don’t have champagne to celebrate, but you can have some
of my protein drink if you’d like,” he told me, offering me the bottle. As I took it from him, my fingers
grazed his, and I inhaled sharply. It was like a spark ran between us, a zap that coursed through every
vein of my body. My heart began to pound even harder than it had been from the exercise. I raised the
bottle to my mouth and took a sip, then immediately scrunched up my face.

“That’s pretty gross, how the hell do you drink that?”
“Sorry. I guess you get used to it, I forget that some people aren’t used to the taste of whey

protein.”

“It certainly isn’t champagne, let me tell you.”
“No, but it helps your muscles recover better than champagne does.”
“Ugh, surely there’s another way.”
“Well, if you join me again I’ll make sure to have some chocolate milk for you. It’s not as good

for you, but it’s a good post-workout drink since it’s high in both protein and carbs.”

“Is that you asking me out on a second date?” I teased.

“Maybe,” he replied, a twinkle in his eye.
“Well I dunno, this is getting pretty serious for a bunch of maybe-dates.”
“Alright then, it’s a definite date. Now, let me show you how to bench press. You know, getting

to the romantic part of this date,” he continued, and I laughed.

Daniel had me lie down on the bench after he showed me the proper form. He moved his hands

to mine, and again my heart pounded in my chest. I wanted him to touch so much more than just my
hands. I wanted him to touch my waist, my hips, my chest, my ass, my thighs. I wanted his hands all
over me, I wanted him to discover my body slowly, taking his time as he explored me.

My mind was suddenly brought back from my reverie, my fantasy as Daniel moved the bar from

the hooks holding it in place and above me. It was so heavy!

“Remember, drive with your feet and arch your back,” Daniel encouraged as he helped me move

the bar down towards my chest. Up and down, the bar went, again and again, his hands just grazing
mine as he was ready to catch the bar if the weight was too much for me.

“Awesome, good job!” he exclaimed when I was finished the three sets he got me to do. “Are

you enjoying it, or is it just my amazing company keeping you here?” he asked as we took another
break.

“As amazing as your company is, I actually am enjoying this by itself” I replied, and it was the

truth. I had never expected that I would be the type of person to lift weights. After all, I’d never been
athletic growing up, and while I had seen a lot of amateur athletes at the physiotherapy clinic I
volunteered at when I was a undergrad, it had never seemed to be the sort of thing that would interest
me. And yet, I was finding that I actually really liked it. The burn at the end of the sets, the
determination it took to get the weight back to where it should be, the feeling of satisfaction when I
was finished were all huge adrenaline boosts.

As soon as I realized how much I loved this I began to feel guilty once more. I wasn’t allowed to

enjoy things. It was bad enough my panties were soaked without having anything to do with the sweat
pouring from my body, it was bad enough that I spent half the morning fantasizing about Daniel, about
wanting his hands all over so much more of me, but that I was also enjoying the actual workout was
just the icing on the cake. I wasn’t allowed to enjoy things, and I wanted to refuse to enjoy this. I just
couldn’t help it.

“Why are you doing this for me?” I asked suddenly after getting a drink of water. “There’s a lot

of other girls in here, why me?”

Daniel looked amused at my question. “Why do you think?”
“I don’t know, honestly.”
“There’s something about you, Kylie. You just seemed to be the type of girl that I wanted to

know more about, and when I saw you sitting alone at dinner, you looked like you needed a friend. So
I figured I could get to know you, and you accepted. Now I get to solve the enigma of Kylie.”

“Enigma. That’s a nice way to put it. I don’t think I can be solved though, I’m a puzzle that’s been

broken a million ways to Sunday.”

“What about me? If you’re so broken, why did you agree to come here?”
“I don’t know. I guess there’s something about you too. For one thing, you’ve been here three

days, you should be detoxing from your drugs right now. I know everyone reacts differently, but when
I was at the stage you are I was curled up in a ball in my bed wishing for death.”

Daniel’s face hardened somewhat. I noticed his eyes darkening, the pools becoming deeper.

“It’s hard. Yes, it’s hard. I’m trying to keep my life as close to what it was before, although it’s

not the same. I feel what you feel. I just want to scream. I want to cry out, I want to hit anything I can
get my hands on.”

“I guess you just have better self control than I do,” I replied.
“I wouldn’t say that. But you’re right, it’s very, very difficult. Now, why don’t we try lunges?”
“I’d like that,” I replied, smiling as Daniel helped me up from the bench I was sitting on.
“First I’ll show you how it’s done,” Daniel told me. He stood up straight, then explained what he

was going to do. “I’m going to step forward, bringing my front leg down to a 90 degree angle, until
my back knee just about but doesn’t quite hit the ground. Then I get back up and repeat the same thing
with the other leg.”

I watched from my bench as Daniel began the movement. As soon as his front knee bent to 90

degrees however, I saw the pain in his face. He was brave, he pretended it wasn’t there, but I had
seen it.

“God, Daniel, your knee!” I exclaimed, jumping up from my seat.
“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” he replied, sitting on the ground clutching at his

right leg.

“Don’t lie to me, I know that’s not nothing.”
“The pain will go in a minute.”
I was shocked by the amount I cared about this injury.
“Was it an injury to your knee, the hockey one?”
“Yeah.”
Immediately I went into doctor mode. Well, wannabe doctor mode I should say, seeing as I never

managed to finish medical school, and never would now.

“Come here, I want you to sit down on the bench. Let me help you.”
“I swear, Kylie, it’s fine.”
“You’ve been showing me your skills all day, now it’s time for me to take charge. Get up and

I’m going to help you move over to the bench.”

I guess my voice must have held all of the authority I wished it always had, since Daniel stopped

protesting. I sat down next to him and wrapped my arm around him. I still felt that spark passing
between us, but I forced it away. I had to be serious here, Daniel was dealing with an injury, a bad
one.

He hobbled over to the bench and sat down, still wincing. I handed him my bottle of water.
“Drink. It won’t do much, but seeing as I’m not going to give you so much as a 200mg pill of

ibuprofen, you get to consider this water as your painkillers for a while.”

Daniel chugged my water. “Thanks,” he muttered, throwing the empty plastic aside. I looked at

his knee. “Lie down on the bench,” I ordered.

“What are you going to do?” Daniel asked.
“A few tests.”
Daniel obediently lay down on the bench. It wasn’t as long as I liked, so I dragged another one

over and had him lie flat along the two benches.

The first thing I did was a Lachman test to test Daniel’s ACL. I bent his knee slightly, stabilized

his thigh with my left hand and pulled his shin forward with my right. I was only too aware of the fact
that my left hand holding his thigh was only inches away from his shaft, I was so close to his most

intimate areas I could feel my breath catching in my throat. I forced the thoughts away, ordering my
body to forget its desires and focus on the task at hand.

I instantly knew from the movement in his leg that his ACL was torn. I was far from an expert on

the topic, but I was also fairly confident it was a bad one.

Next I performed a Valgus test, which was pretty similar to the Lachman test.
“Tell me if this hurts,” I ordered, keeping Daniel’s knee bent slightly and applying outward

pressure on his leg.

“Yeah, fuck” Daniel replied almost instantly, wincing.
“Sorry, I just had to check. Do you know your ACL and MCL are both torn?”
Daniel grinned at me as he sat up. “Yeah. Believe it or not, the Sea Lions’ payroll involves more

than seven figures a year being spent on doctors. At that price, I would hope to hell they can diagnose
that sort of thing. But how come you know the Lachman and Valgus?”

“I used to be in medical school. I finished pre-med, did a couple years of med school, and while

I was studying as an undergrad I volunteered at a physiotherapy clinic. I didn’t really do more than
organize charts and get coffee, but once the doctor showed me how to perform the tests.”

“You were in med school? Wow, pretty and smart,” Daniel complimented, winking at me as he

said it. The blush crawled up my face again as I remembered just how close my hands had been to his
most sensitive areas.

“Yeah, well, I never finished. I’m not going to be a doctor, but I can tell a knee injury when I see

one.”

“Can I ask you a sensitive question? You don’t need to answer if you’re not comfortable with it,

but I’d like to know why you’re here.”

“I’m an alcoholic,” I answered. I had no problem telling him that. If he wanted to know all he

had to do was ask around, everybody knew alcohol was my personal demon.

“What triggered it for you? Again, don’t answer if you’re not comfortable with it, but I’d really

like to know if you’re willing to tell me.”

I looked into Daniel’s eyes. They were so earnest, so genuinely interested in my life. Suddenly,

my brain flew backwards. Memories flooded my brain. Crying, sitting in the ambulance, someone
wrapping a blanket around me. That feeling of absolute despair. The desire to kill myself. Being
unable to look my parents in the eye. The knowledge that my life would never be the same.

It was three days later that I walked past the liquor store and went in on a whim. I bought a bottle

of vodka. I had never been a huge drinker. I would get drunk from time to time at parties, or with
friends, but it was never more than once every two weeks or so. Usually if I went out for dinner with
anyone I’d have a glass of wine or something, but that was it.

It took three hours for the entire bottle of vodka to disappear. That was how it started. The more I

drank, the more the memories disappeared. The more I could pretend everything was like it had been
before.

When I said I was broken, I didn’t mean the alcoholism. That was just a symptom of what had

happened, of that night, the worst night of my life. The alcohol made the pain go away for a while, and
now, now that I no longer had the alcohol, I begged for more pain. I deserved it all.

I didn’t realize I was crying until Daniel’s finger, like velvet against my skin, stroked the tear

away and brought me back to the present.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry Kylie. I can tell you don’t want to

talk about it, and that’s fine. But hey, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here” he told me,
wrapping his arm around me.

I was sweating and gross, and so was he, but I couldn’t have cared less right then. His arm was

so strong, so hard, so comforting wrapped around my shoulders, I felt like I belonged with him, I
melded in with him absolutely perfectly. I buried my face in his chest and cried for a few minutes,
silently sobbing, my tears mingling with his sweat from earlier.

Daniel stroked my hair until I finally came back from my complete collapse.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, wiping my eyes. “I have no idea why I just did that. It’s been ages

since I’ve just broken down and cried like that.”

“Don’t worry about it. Exercise can bring out emotion in people, especially when they haven’t

really done much before, and I shouldn’t have brought up your past. It was my fault.”

“Thanks, Daniel. Thanks for... everything.” I looked up at him and smiled. God, not only was he

so hot my body could barely stand it, but he was so nice. I had always assumed professional athletes
were douchebags, hell bent on sleeping with as many women as they could while they made millions
of dollars. But Daniel didn’t seem to be like that at all.

“Listen, I guess with this knee problem we’re going to have to cancel our next date, or at least

move it into a less physical part of the building,” I finally told him, trying to change the subject.

“Why would we have to do that?”
“Well for one thing, the two most important ligaments in your right knee don’t work. You need to

see a doctor, so that you can get referred for surgery.”

Daniel shook his head. “No, I’m not getting surgery.”
“What? Why not? Both of those are definitely grade 3, if you were a normal person you might be

able to get by for a while by rehabbing and resting, but for an athlete like you, you have to get the
surgery as soon as you can, or you’ll never play professional hockey again.”

“That’s the thing, I’m not going to play hockey again.”
This revelation surprised me. I had always assumed that while he had become addicted to

painkillers, Daniel would be trying to get back on the ice as soon as possible.

“What? Why not? If that’s something you’re willing to talk about,” I hastened to add, not wanting

to intrude.

“Yeah. I have a feeling you might understand. It’s not that my body isn’t in good enough form. I

know guys can come back from complete ACL tears in six months, and I know from the doctors that
mine isn’t that bad, if I have the surgery soon I’m looking at maybe four months. It’s August now, I
could be back playing a month into the regular season next year. But it’s just... the fire is gone. Do you
know what I mean?”

Daniel looked me in the eye, and I took his hands in mine. I felt a connection with Daniel, unlike

anything I had ever felt with anyone before.

“I know exactly what you mean,” I replied. “You think it’s hopeless. The desire to continue, to

go on is gone. You think you’ll never get back what you lost, you think that no matter what you’re
going to fail. You wonder what the point is, and eventually you realize there is no point.”

“Yes. That’s how I feel, precisely. You know Kylie, you’re the only person I’ve met since my

injury who really truly understands that.”

I nodded. “I know it all too well. I was going to become a doctor. Now, I’m not. The fire is gone

in me too. I ask myself, what’s the point? After everything that’s happened, after what I’ve gone

through, I don’t believe I should be a doctor. What’s the point? People die every day. I know exactly
how you feel.”

We sat there in silence for a minute. I looked at Daniel, and he looked at me. I could feel my

heart pounding in my chest, my body aching for him. I wanted him so much, he was so perfect. Just as
I didn’t think I could take any more, he leaned in and kissed me.

It was like fireworks went off inside of me. It was like I had been in a deep sleep for all these

years, leading up to this very moment, which suddenly awakened in me a passion, a deep seated
desire that I had never known.

I closed my eyes as Daniel’s lips explored my own. My lips parted slightly to allow him better

access. His kiss was confident and strong, but his lips still soft, sending fire coursing through my
veins. His hands found my hips, pulling me to him gently as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
I wanted this so badly. Ever since I had first laid eyes on Daniel I had wanted this.

“You’re amazing, Kylie,” Daniel murmured quietly before kissing me once more, his hands

making their way up my body. I could only moan in reply, my body so overtaken by passion and
desire that words wouldn’t form in my head.

I wanted Daniel so bad, I could feel my nipples pressing hard against my sports bra, wanting to

press against him. I threw my chest against his body, shivers running through me. Subconsciously I
spread my legs open against him, wanting Daniel in so much more than my mouth, and he replied by
pulling me to him even harder, slipping his tongue inside of my mouth.

I didn’t realize how much I had needed this. It was like a cold drink for a thirsty man in the

desert. Daniel’s hands moved to the hem of my shirt, and with a single quick motion he ripped it up
over my head and off me, letting it fall to the floor.

“I have to have you. I have to have you right now” Daniel murmured, the desire in his voice

evident.

“Oh yes! Oh God yes!” I exclaimed as his mouth moved down to my neck, his hands finding my

sports bra. I could feel the tingling all over my body. My blood felt like lava, boiling inside of me,
like I was going to combust if Daniel didn’t take me right away.

Suddenly, there was a noise like a door slamming nearby and we pulled away from each other,

both of us realizing what we were doing.

We stared at each other for an instant before I quickly reached for my discarded shirt and threw

it back on.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit,” I muttered. I knew the rules. If Daniel and I were caught here, we would

both immediately be kicked out of the center.

“We can’t do this, can we?” Daniel asked. I could hear the pain in his voice, the frustration in his

tone.

I shook my head. “No. Not without getting kicked out. And I don’t think either of us can afford

that. I’m sorry, Daniel” I told him, before getting up and practically sprinting to the women’s change
room, hoping he wouldn’t see my tears.

I turned on the shower, leaving it as cold as I could stand and sat down on the floor, my tears

mingling with the water. What the hell was going on with me? I had been so happy with Daniel. He
made me feel complete, he made me feel whole, he made me feel something for the first time in a
long, long time. I wanted him more than anything, and yet I knew I couldn’t have him. Not without
getting kicked out of here, and I knew I wasn’t ready for the real world yet. I also knew Daniel wasn’t

either. He had just started here, he needed to heal. I couldn’t take that away from him.

* * *

I don’t know how long I sat in the shower for, letting the water rush over me, but when I finally

came out again Daniel was gone. I was alone in the gym. I went slowly back up to my room, hoping
not to meet anyone along the way. I didn’t think I could handle human contact right about now.

These last few days had been so confusing. Here I had thought I would wallow in depression for

the rest of my life. I knew I was never going to be happy again. I didn’t deserve to be happy, and I
didn’t want to be happy. And yet, when I was with Daniel, my heart felt like it was going to burst with
elation. I felt an unimaginable bliss just being with him, just being able to talk to him.

I didn’t know his entire history. I had gotten a glimpse of it when he told me about his knee

injury. I hadn’t told him my entire history either, but I knew there was a connection there. Daniel
understood me, and I understood him. I knew exactly where he came from when he told me the fire in
him had disappeared.

And yet, we couldn’t be together. Not like that, anyway. Maybe it was better for me. After all, I

didn’t want to be happy. I didn’t want to have those feelings of passion, of desire taking over me
whenever I saw Daniel. But another part of me, I guess the human part of me, did.

I spent the next few days doing my best to avoid Daniel. I ate breakfast before anyone else was

up and dinner after everyone else had gone to bed. I spent my days in my room, on the computer,
reading, anything to avoid the common areas. For the first time in a while I pulled Gray’s Anatomy
from the shelf, trying to read as much as I could about the human knee. I knew Daniel needed surgery
and there was nothing I could do for him, so I wasn’t really sure why I did it, but it made me feel
better somehow. I knew Daniel couldn’t come and visit me here, visitors of the opposite sex weren’t
allowed in each other’s residential areas. In a lot of ways this center felt like high school all over
again, where boys and girls weren’t really supposed to interact privately.

Unfortunately for my plan, however, there were still mandatory activities to attend. The first for

me was sports. I had skipped so many sports sessions, making up so many excuses as to why I didn’t
want to join in with everyone, that this time Doctor Emma wouldn’t accept it when I asked for yet
another reprieve.

“Kylie, I know you’re going through a lot. But these sessions, this sports work is good for you.

It’s designed to help you in every aspect of your life. Unless you have a physical problem hampering
you from attending, I’m afraid I can’t let you skip yet another session.”

“It’s not physical, Doctor Emma. It’s a mental thing.”
“Sports are good for the brain. There’s a ton of science proving that. Please give it a shot Kylie.

You aren’t going to heal if you don’t try.”

That’s why I ended up still having to take part in the group sports for the first time in nearly a

month. Daniel was already there when I arrived, and again as soon as I looked at him I felt that pang
of desire in my chest. He was so sexy, standing outside in the grass with the sun shining down on his
face. Everyone else on the field looked so incredibly inferior, Daniel was like an Adonis, standing
alone on Mount Olympus, his beauty and strength dwarfing that of the mere mortals standing around.

I had planned on ignoring him, on hoping Daniel wouldn’t come and speak with me, but I knew

my body was going to have none of that. On top of that, when he saw me, Daniel came over.

“Hey, sorry about the other day,” he told me in a low voice so no one else could hear.
“Don’t worry about it.”

“Can we talk after this? Maybe I can join you at dinner?”
“Yeah, sure.” I tried to keep my voice calm. I knew at dinner I was going to have to tell Daniel

this wouldn’t work. That we couldn’t be together so long as we were in this situation, that neither of
us could afford to get kicked out of this program. The thought of saying no to a man like that, a man
who elicited such delicious reactions from my body absolutely devastated me.

We played soccer as our exercise for the day. It was fun enough, but I didn’t enjoy it nearly as

much as the day I had spent with Daniel in the gym. The entire time I could only focus on Daniel, who
ran circles around everyone else in the group, until finally the trainer Adam banished Daniel to
playing goalie so that the teams could play more evenly. Not that it mattered, Daniel had scored
eleven goals for his team compared to the one we had managed to get through. I noticed him wincing
with pain once or twice, and I wanted to scold him about refusing to get the surgery that would heal
him, but I kept my mouth shut.

When the game finished and everyone headed, exhausted, back to their rooms, Daniel caught up

with me.

“Hey, see you at dinner tonight? I’ll be down around 7 or so.”
“Ok, for sure,” I replied, trying to smile. I could smell the slight aroma of his sweat and musk on

his body and it sent shivers running through me. I wanted to grab Daniel, take him to my room, rip his
clothes off and have him ravage me on my bed. I wanted his hands to discover every inch of my body,
I wanted his shaft inside of me, pounding he harder than anything I’d ever experienced, I wanted
Daniel to bring me to realms of pleasure I could only imagine.

As I watched him walk away towards the men’s residence area, my legs felt weak. Oh, how I

wanted him. And yet, at the same time, I didn’t want him. I tried to force those thoughts to the back of
my brain. I wasn’t going to be happy. I didn’t get to be happy anymore. Being with a man like that
wasn’t in my future.

Nonetheless, I was sitting down with my dinner at the same table at which we had eaten the last

time at ten minutes to seven. Daniel was right on time, sitting across from me, a smile on his face as I
looked at the monstrous pile of food in front of him once more.

“Why do you keep working out if you’re never going to play hockey again?” I asked as he sat

down, not sure why the question had suddenly popped into my head.

“Well... you know, I think it’s just a force of habit now. I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s

become a habit. Exercise is my release, too, I think. It’s my way to escape the world, to just focus on
myself for a little while.”

“Ok. Thanks, I was just curious.”
“Hey, no problem. Have you been back down to the gym since our day there?”
I shook my head. “No, I had fun that day, but it’s the sort of thing that I just don’t think would

have been the same without you.”

“That’s too bad. You should try it. But hey, I wanted to talk to you. It’s pretty obvious you’ve

been avoiding me, is that right?”

“Yeah. It is.” I decided to be honest. “After we made out in the gym, I knew I had to avoid you.

You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, and I don’t want to act on them. If it’s discovered that
we even did what we did we will both be kicked out of the center. We both need this place, you
especially, and I don’t want to screw it up for either of us. So yeah, I’ve been avoiding you, for the
good of both of us.”

“I completely understand, Kylie. I don’t want us getting kicked out of here either. I just wanted to

ask if we can be friends. There’s no rule against that.”

I thought about what Daniel was saying. Obviously there were no rules about members of the

opposite sex being friends. Hell, Fiona and Sam joked about their game “dates” all the time, and no
one ever gave them any shit for it, since everyone knew they were just kidding about the dating thing.
Maybe this was an option. But was it a good option? Was I going to be able to hide the fact that every
time I saw Daniel I wanted to grab him, push him against the wall and rip his clothes off right then
and there? Was I going to be able to hide their reaction my body had every time I set eyes on the man?
Or was this just an idea that was destined for failure, something that would guarantee that Daniel and
I both got kicked out of this program?

“I’m not sure. I’d like to Daniel, I’d really like to, but you saw how I reacted to your body. You

saw what I want to do you. I just don’t know if I can do it.”

“Well, why don’t we give it a try? It doesn’t have to be forever, it doesn’t even have to be for

longer than a week or so. All I ask is that we try it, let’s try being friends.”

“Okay, that’s fine. We’ll give it a shot, and either one of us can call it off if we decide it’s

becoming too much for us.”

I smiled, happy with the decision we had eventually come to. This way I had a shot, I could

always try and just be friends with Daniel, and if it became too much we could call it off.

“Good. So, new friend of mine, what have you been doing the last few days?”
“Avoiding you, mainly. Sitting on my computer, reading old Agatha Christie novels, not doing

much really. How about you?”

“I think you know I spend most of my days in the gym. I’ve come up to the lounge room a few

times, which has been okay, a few the women around here have been basically throwing themselves
at me though. Oh here comes one of them now, I think she’s going to come and sit with us.”

I looked behind me and saw Fiona coming towards us with the big tray of food.
“Hey, mind if I sit with you guys?” she asked, putting her tray down without waiting for an

answer. I laughed at the complete obviousness of her flirting with Daniel as she sat in the seat right
next to his and immediately turned to him and began to chat.

“What am I here Fiona, chopped liver? I thought we were supposed be friends,” I teased.
“Oh, sorry Kylie, I just wanted to catch up with Daniel first for a few minutes.”
As she continued to chat to him, Daniel glancing at me from time to time with the worried

expression on his face, as if to silently beg me to get the crazy lady away from him, I started off
bemused, but as the conversation continued I actually found jealousy creeping up inside of me.

I hadn’t been jealous in years. It had been so long, since I’d really truly felt jealousy, I think the

last time I really experienced it was in high school. I had a friend, Anita King, who was just naturally
so smart. She never had to work for any of her grades, she did extracurriculars, she breezed through
every assignment we were ever given and almost always had better marks than me. I was never down
by any stretch of the imagination, but there were a few courses where in order to keep my marks high,
high enough to get accepted into the best university program I could, I had to really work hard. And
still, I could never catch Anita’s grades. I thought it was so unfair at the time, and while we moved on
and were still actually pretty good friends (although I hadn’t seen her in months, I basically fell off the
face of the earth to my friends after that fateful night), I still remember that jealousy that I felt.

Now, for the first time since I was in school, I felt it again. This time it was aimed at a boy

though. God, Daniel and I had literally just agreed a couple of minutes ago to try and work out as
friends, and here I was wanting to throttle the only real friend I had in this place before Daniel
arrived just because she was flirting with him. What was wrong with me? I forced the jealousy out of
my head. I was being stupid. This was how Fiona acted with everyone. This was her thing, to flirt
with guys, and I knew she meant absolutely nothing by it. She was happily married. I was being silly,
but the fact that jealousy crept into me at all worried me.

“Are you listening Kylie? I was just telling Daniel that it’s not fair that you keep them all to

yourself, when there are so many other wonderful women in this place would love to be blessed with
the pleasure of his company.”

Hearing my name I was broken out of the thoughts running through my head.
“Oh what? Sorry, I think I drifted away for a minute there. Besides Fiona, I’m not hogging Daniel

at all. For one thing, he’s a big boy now and he can hang out with whoever he wants, for another this
is the first time I’ve seen him in like three days, except for sports this morning.”

“If you say so darling, just as long as you leave some of him here for the rest of us.”
“For God sakes Fiona, leave the poor man alone. He’s not some animal in a zoo, he is here for

exactly the same reason as the rest of us.”

“Yes, well, just because he’s like all of us doesn’t mean we can’t have a little bit of fun, right?”
“You’re impossible Fiona.” I shook my head and laughed at her. She was so typically what

somebody thinks of when they think of the rich wife from the suburbs. If it wasn’t for the fact that she
kept her hair its natural brown color, she would’ve fit every single stereotype of the rich man’s wife
with a drinking problem who flirts with younger men.

We kept her entertained for a while before finally she finished her meal and left Daniel and I in

peace when she saw Sam come in.

“She’s found another victim, we’ve got the place to ourselves again,” I told Daniel, who

laughed. “Don’t worry about Fiona, she’s completely harmless. She just likes to flirt with anything
with a pulse in this place.”

“Yeah, I figured that out a couple of days ago when I was in here and saw her flirting with

basically every guy. She is strange, but seems harmless enough.”

“Definitely. She’s probably my only other friend in here apart from you, and if I’m honest I

wouldn’t be surprised if she leaves sometime pretty soon. She’s looking a lot better, and sounding a
lot better as well.”

“That’s really good for her. The last few days have been getting harder for me as well, I think

I’m finally entering the hardest part of the whole detox process.”

“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. The other day when I was in the gym I broke out in sweat, like I was really clammy and I

actually thought I had a fever for a while so I went back to my room. Then my hands started shaking,
and I went to see Doctor Emma and she told me that it was completely normal. We spoke for a while,
about symptoms, whether it was safe for me to train with heavy weights while experiencing the
symptoms, that sort of thing. She was good, it was good to talk to her about that sort of stuff.”

“That’s good, I’m glad you’re able to talk to her about things. And don’t worry, eventually the

symptoms will pass. It will be tough, it’s really tough, but you will get better.”

“Good to know, thanks. Hey, when you say you think Fiona’s gonna get out of here soon, was she

here before you or did she arrive after?”

“She arrived after me, about two months ago. I’ve been here for three months, but I always knew

that Fiona would get out before me.”

“Why is that? You seem like a strong woman, much stronger than any that I’ve ever known.”
I shook my head sadly. “I wish that were true. No, the reality is I’m going to be in here for a long

time. That’s probably why it’s also good idea to just be friends, there is no hope of me ever getting
out of here.”

“But why not? Yeah you’re an alcoholic, but so are thousands of other people. They managed to

live life on the outside, avoiding drinking.”

“I don’t deserve to get better,” I replied, and I think the finality my voice told Daniel that this

wasn’t a topic he wanted to continue.

“That’s fine, Kylie. You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to. But hey, if you ever

want to talk about anything, I’m here. After all, we’re friends now, remember?”

“Thanks, Daniel. I appreciate the offer, I’m not really used to talking about this sort of thing.”
“Hey, I get it. I don’t talk about a lot of stuff either, so don’t worry about that. Let’s talk about

something else, something happy.”

“Sure, I’d like that. Do you want to go play Scrabble in the games room with me?”
“Of course the potential Doctor would choose Scrabble as the game to play against the athlete,”

Daniel teased. “I’m going to show you that not all of us fit the dumb punchy stereotype of hockey
players,” he continued, getting up from his chair with a grin.

Ten minutes later we were sitting across from each other on comfortable couches, the Scrabble

board in between us. I was staring at my tiles, trying to decide whether I should open with ‘apple’ or
‘patella’. I decided to go with the latter, in honor of my guest. Daniel grinned when he saw the word.

“Trying to throw me off my game with a reference to the knee, are you doctor?” he teased, and I

stuck my tongue out at him.

“I didn’t think you would know what a patella was,” I retorted, as he played ‘trails’.
The game quickly picked up in pace, with Daniel matching my every word with something at

least as valuable. I had to admit, I was impressed. I could tell he wasn’t dumb or anything like that, he
definitely didn’t fit the stereotype of the average athlete that doesn’t know how to spell his own name,
but I hadn’t expected him to be quite this good at Scrabble.

As for my body’s reaction to Daniel, nothing had changed since we decided to just be friends.

Every time he smiled at me, every time those big deep eyes glistened in my direction, I felt my legs
going weak, my heart pounding faster and like my insides were melting away in a pool of desire.
Nothing in the room except for Daniel mattered. I couldn’t have cared less who was sitting at any of
the other seats, whether there was music playing over the speakers, absolutely couldn’t have cared
less. The only thing that mattered to me when I was with Daniel was Daniel. Something inside of me
wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him like me, I wanted to make him want to spend more
time with me.

At one point as I reached to adjust a tile while he played one our hands brushed, and we both

stopped. I felt that spark of electricity between us, I felt the absolute passion that coursed in between
our bodies, and I knew Daniel felt it too. We looked at each other, then pulled away, almost as though
the two of us were embarrassed about it. We continued playing like nothing had happened, but I could
feel it. That spark never went away.

“God, it’s getting late,” I eventually noted after yawning three times in a row. I glanced at the

clock, and for the first time in a long, long time I wished the hands on the round plate would show it
was earlier than I thought it was. I was so used to wanting the time to pass, wanting it to stand still
was a whole new feeling.

“Does that mean you’re giving up?” Daniel asked as he played ‘terrestrial’, using all seven of his

tiles.

“Damn it!” I exclaimed as I saw that on top of making an eleven letter word he had landed on a

double word score tile. “No, I’m not giving up! Plus I’m pretty sure I’m winning, anyway” I said,
glancing at the scores on the sheet.

“Probably, but admit it, I’m better at this than you thought I would be.”
I laughed. “Yeah, you are. It’s not fair that someone can both look like you and be good at

scrabble.”

“You’re one to talk. Brains and beauty, the perfect combo.”
I blushed, then my eyes rose to the security camera in the corner. I was only too aware of its

presence, and I could feel Daniel’s body sinking back into the chair.

“Stupid rules, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I think you’re right. It’s getting late, we should probably count up the scores and go to bed.”
After counting and discovering that I had indeed won, but only by a margin of 50 points, we

packed up the game and headed back to the corridor that led to the residence areas. Daniel held the
door open for me and I passed through. We walked down the hallway in silence.

When we reached the door for the women’s residences, we stopped.
“Thanks for tonight,” Daniel told me. “I mean, I know it’s not exactly what either of us want, but

it’s something, isn’t it?”

I felt a pang inside of me, like my heart had been ripped out. I wanted nothing more than to grab

him, run with Daniel to my room, have him rip off my clothes and take me on my bed. But I knew none
of that was possible. For one thing, security guards patrolled the residences to make sure members of
the opposite sex didn’t enter.

“Yeah, it’s something,” I replied, trying to smile.
“Well... good night,” Daniel said.
“Good night,” I replied, turning and going into the hallway. I didn’t look back.
As soon as I was in my room I began to cry. I lay down on top of the covers of my bed and cried

my heart out. I wanted Daniel so badly, and yet I knew I could never have him. I enjoyed spending
time with him as a friend, but it was still so different. I didn’t want to be just friends. I wanted more
than that. Yet I knew I couldn’t have it.

I hated feeling like this. I hated the conflicts between the life I had chosen for myself and the life

I was living. I hated being happy, I hated the fact that I no longer felt guilt crushing me during every
second of every day. And yet, I was happy. I liked Daniel. He was kind and he understood me.

I reminded myself that no matter what, it would end. Daniel would eventually leave, just as I

knew Fiona was getting ready to leave. There was no way Daniel would stay here forever, the way I
had planned on doing. He would go back to his life, maybe work as a sports reporter for a news
station, or start coaching, or something. Either way, I wasn’t going to be in his life long term.

And the fact that I thought that far ahead about us absolutely terrified me.

To Be Continued

About the Author

Hi! I’m Victoria Villeneuve. I’m a small town girl at heart, with dreams of living in a cabin in

the country with my two dogs and my amazing boyfriend Mike. When I’m not writing you can usually
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lake or playing soccer with my friends.

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