Falling Deeper (Falling Series) Lucia Grace

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FallingDeeper

ByLuciaGrace

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Copyright©2015LuciaGrace

KindleEditionPublishedby:LuciaGrace

CoverDesignby:ACEDesignsandAuthorServicing

Editedby:MeganMaksymatWildRoseEditing

Formattedby:ACEDesignsandAuthorServicing

Allrightsreserved,includingtherighttoreproducethisbook,orportionsthereof,inanyformwithout

writtenpermissionexceptforuseofbriefquotationsembodiedincriticalarticlesandreviews.Thisisa

workoffiction.Names,characters,placesandincidentseitheraretheproductoftheauthor’simagination

orareusedfictitiouslyandanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,

eventsorlocales,isentirelycoincidental.

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Dedication

Tothosewhothinktheycan’t.

Youcan.

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TableofContents

Dedication

TableofContents

Prologue

ChapterOne

ChapterTwo

ChapterThree

ChapterFour

ChapterFive

ChapterSix

ChapterSeven

ChapterEight

ChapterNine

ChapterTen

ChapterEleven

ChapterTwelve

ChapterThirteen

ChapterFourteen

ChapterFifteen

ChapterSixteen

ChapterSeventeen

ChapterEighteen

ChapterNineteen

ChapterTwenty

ChapterTwenty-One

ChapterTwenty-Two

ChapterTwenty-Three

ChapterTwenty-Four

ChapterTwenty-Five

ChapterTwenty-Six

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ChapterTwenty-Seven

ChapterTwenty-Eight

ChapterTwenty-Nine

ChapterThirty

ChapterThirty-One

ChapterThirty-Two

ChapterThirty-Three

ChapterThirty-Four

ChapterThirty-Five

ChapterThirty-Six

ChapterThirty-Seven

ChapterThirty-Eight

ChapterThirty-Nine

ChapterForty

ChapterForty-One

ChapterForty-Two

Epilogue

Playlist

Acknowledgements

AbouttheAuthor

ComingSoon

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PartOne


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PROLOGUE

KAYSON

"Yeah,wellfuckyoutoo,Mom,"IyellasIslamtherustyscreendoorofourshittytownhouseandstomp
overtomyoldpickuptruck.Itmaybebeat-upandrusted-out,butIboughtitwithmyhard-earnedmoney,
soit’sallmine.

Openingthedoor,Itossmydufflebagofclothesandschoolshitontothepassengerseatandslidein
behindthewheel.AsIstartmytruckIpullmycellfrommypocketandshootoffaquicktexttomybest
friend,Damon.

Mymom'sdrunkandflippedhershitagain.Didn'tbelievemewhenIsaidIwasworkingatthejobsite
alldayandthattomorrow’sthefirstdayofsenioryear.MindifIcrashatyourplaceagain?

Hisresponseisalmostimmediate.Likehewasexpectingatextat11:00p.m.onaSunday.

Yeah,man.Youknowyou'realwayswelcome.I'llleavethedoorunlocked.Justcomeonup.

Idon'tevenbotherresponding.IknowthedrillsinceI'vebeendoingthisforthepastthreeyearsofhigh
school.Lookslikewe'reofftothesamestartforyearnumberfour,too.

Shiftingintoreverse,Itakealookattherun-down,subsidizedhousingcomplexweliveinandshakemy
head.Paintischippingandpeeling.Theshuttersarehangingoffwindowsthatdon’tcloseallthewayor
lockanymore.Therustyscreendoorhangslooselyoffthedoorframe.

Mymomusedtotakeprideinwhatwehad,eventhoughitwasn'tmuch.Butnow?Sheturnedtothebottle
whenherlastboyfriendleft.It’salmostfiveyearsnow.Sheclaimshewastheloveofherlife.

Liketherestofthemwere.

Besideslosingherbeautyandallself-respect,thealcoholseemedtotakehermind,too.Makingher
paranoidandmanic,conjuringupbullshitthatonlyshebelieves.WhenItrytotalkherdownitonlymakes
itworse—weargueevenmoreorshelaysherhandsonme.SoItrytostayoutwithfriends,workas
muchaspossible,orgetthefuckoutifshe'sinamood.Liketonight.

It’sbeenthetwoofusforaslongasIcanremember.Thespermdonorwasajunkieshemetwhile
workingatsomebar.Heskippedtownassoonasshetoldhimshewaspregnant.Shelovestoremindme
ofhowitwasmyfaultthatthefuckerleft,eventhoughshewastheonewhospreadherlegsforhimand
gotherselfknockedup.Itwasn’tmychoicetobebroughtintothisworld,anditwasn’tmyfaultthathe
wassmartenoughtobailonherass.Idoknowthatmuch.

Momwasneverperfect.Ourhomelifewasalwaysastruggle.Wehadlittletonomoneyforanything
besidesbasicnecessities.Wewerealwaysarguingbecauseshewasalwaysgone.Eitherworkinglong
shiftsatthebaroroutwithfriendsspendinganyextrawehad.Thentherewereallthedifferentmen
pretendingtobemynewdaddy.Butwemadeitwork.Now,though,it'sadailystrugglenottolosemy
shitonherandleavethisfuckingtownforgood.

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Onemoreyear.Justonemoreyear.

WiththatlastthoughtIbackout,shiftintodrive,andletthegravelfly.

Thisyearcannotgobyquicklyenough.

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CHAPTERONE

-SEPTEMBER-

EMBER

"Haveagoodday,sweetie!"Mommasendsmeoff,wavingfranticallyfromthedriver'sseatwithahuge
smileonherface.Sheiswaytoocheerfulinthemornings.

Thismorningespecially.

"Yeah,Momma,thanks.You,too,"IreplyasIshutthecardoor,tryingtotakecalmingbreathstosquash
mynerves.

I'mmorenervousthansherealizes.ButI'mtryingmybesttokeeppositiveforher.She'sbeenthrough
enoughbecauseofmydad.Itstartedwithhisarrestthreeyearsago,fordrugpossessionwithintentto
sell,andhissubsequenttrialthefollowingyear.Whenthetruthfinallycameout,shehadtodealwithall
theliesshehadbelievedduringthetimeshesupportedhim.Ontopofthat,hefoughtthedivorceforthe
pasttwoyears.I'dsayhe'sputusthroughthewringer.AndIknowhe’smydad,butforthestuffheput
Mommaandmethrough,Isaygoodriddance.

Soseeingherbrightsmilethismorningwhensheofferedmearide,andhearinghersmalllaughatmy
apparentanxietyovertoday,Icouldn'thelpbutaccept.It'sgoodtoseeMommasmileandhearthesound
ofherlaughteraftereverythingwe'vebeenthrough.It'snodoubtCassandraMartinezisabeautiful
woman,butthestressofthepastthreeyears,alongwiththemove,hasdefinitelyaddedsomeagetoher.
Hersmileissomethingthatlightsupherwholeface,bringingbackmoreofheryouthandbeautyfrom
before.Soeventhoughit'satmyexpense,I'lltakeitaslongasshestartstosmileagain.

Withaweaksmileofmyown,onefinalwave,andherblowingakissthroughtheopenpassenger
window,Ihuffadeepbreathandturntowardmynewschool.

PleasantBeachHighSchool.

Youcandothis.IgivemyselfaninternalpeptalkasIwalktowardthefrontdoorsofthehighschool.

It'sjustanewschool.Withnewpeople.Inanewplace.

Ohgoodness,Ican'tdothis.

Itakeafewmoredeepbreaths,notingmysurroundingsasIwalkasslowlyaspossible,tryingtoprolong
theinevitable.Thetwo-storybuildingisintimidating.MuchlargerthantheonebackhomeinVermont.

Tomakemattersworse,Icatchafewpeoplestaringandwhisperingtoeachother.Nodoubtjudging
everythingaboutme,frommysize,tomyclothes,tomyminimallymade-upface.

Itrytoshrugitalloffandignoretheuneasethatspreadsthroughmybodyasmorepeopleglancemyway.
Buthavingallthisattentiononmeisreallyfreakingmeout.

IalmostgiveupandturnaroundtoleavewhenIseeagroupofgirlsstandingbythefrontdoorsthatI
knowI'mgoingtohavetopass.ThecloserIgettheloudertheirwhineyvoicesandhigh-pitchedgiggles
get.

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Ibarelykeepmyselffromrollingmyeyes.

AsI’mpassingby,Iseethegirlsarecrowdedaroundafewguys.Oneisabittallerandbroaderthanthe
rest,sittingquietlynexttohisanimatedfriend.Darktousledhair,flawlessoliveskin,andakillersmirk
keepthegaggleofgirlsaroundhimenraptured.

ThistimeIdorollmyeyes.

AfterItakeasecondtoappreciatehim,ofcourse.I'dhavetobeblindnotto.

Heisgorgeous.

Hedoesn'tsparemeaglancewhenIwalkrightbythough.Nosurprisethere.I'mnotabottledblondewith
mile-longlegsstickingoutofadenimminiskirtandawhitetanktopstretchingacrossastuffedbra.He
keepslisteningtohisfriendandsmirkingaseachgirlviesforhisattention.

Ishakemyheadathowdesperatetheyallseem,whileinsideasmallpartofmewisheshewouldslide
thatsmirkmyway.

Ipushthroughthedoubledoorsasthatthoughtfiltersthroughjustasquicklyasitcame,andstopshort
whenIseesomanypeoplemillingaround.Therearefrontofficesoneachsideofthehallway,butthat
doesn'tstopthesestudentsfromcarryingonasifnooneisaround.

Thereisacouplemakingoutbythefirstsetoflockerstomyright.Redheadswithteasedhairamilehigh
mixinwiththebottledblondesthatfileoutofabathroomtomyleft.Allofthempoppingtheirgumand
gossipingaboutthelatestbeachpartywhereMindygotsodrunksheflashedeveryonebeforeproceeding
tovomitalloverherself.

Mynosescrunchesindisgust.

Ilookbothwaystofindthesecretary’sofficeaspeoplefilteraroundme.Somewalkingbywithoutevena
glance.Somegivingsnideandirritatedlooksformybeingintheway.

Myfaceheatswithembarrassment,soImakeachoice.Hikingmybackpackhigheronmyshoulder,Icut
throughthefoottraffictoreachtheofficeatmyright.Hopingeitherthesecretaryorguidancecounselor
willbeinthere.

WalkingthroughtheopendoorwayInoticeafewstudents,standingaroundandtalkingwithfacultyand
fellowstudents,beforeIscanthefrontdesktoseeanolderwomanwithwhitehairfinishingaphonecall.
Steelingmyselfandattemptingtocalmmynerves,Iwalkuptoher.

"Excuseme."

Shelooksup,hericeblueeyesscanningmyfeaturesbeforeshereplies."Hi,honey,canIhelpyou?"

"Uh,yes,mynameisEmberMartinez.I’mnewhere.”

“Thatexplainsitthen.IknewIdidn’trecognizeyoufromlastyear.WelcometoPleasantBeachHigh
School,dear.”Shesmileswarmlyatme,easingsomeofmynervesforthetimebeing.

“Thankyou,”Ireplysoftly,aschatterintheofficediesdown.

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“MynameisSylvia,I’mtheschoolsecretary.Ifyouneedanythingpleasedon’thesitatetocomeoninand
ask.Letmefindyourinformationandgetyourclassscheduleprintedsowecansendyouonyourway.”
Shesmilesbrightlynow.LikeIshouldbeexcited.

IswallowdownmynervesasbestasIcanandmusterasmile.Shemustseethroughmyactbecauseshe
husksoutachuckle,causingherfullcheekstobounce.

“Itwon’tbethatbad,Ipromise.Youjustwaitandsee.”Sheaddsonawink.

Igiveheran“ifyousayso”lookasshehandsmethepaperwork.ReadingmyclassscheduleasIturn
awayfromSylvia,IseethatIhaveEnglishforfirstperiod.Thefirstbellrings,followedbyadeep
chucklerumblingthroughthehallway.Myheadshootsupandmyeyescollidewiththesameguyfrom
outside.He’sshufflingthroughthedoorsasheshovestheguyinfrontofhim,laughingatsomethinghe
said.

“Haveagoodday,Ember.”Sylviasnickersfrombehindme.

Turningtolookovermyshoulder,Iseeaknowingsmirkonherface,shemusthavecaughtmyreactionto
seeingthatguy.Iofferasmallwaveandstepthroughthedoortomakemywaytofirstperiod.

ThemapoftheschoolthatSylviaincludedinmyclassscheduledirectsmedowntheeastwingand
almosttothelastclassroomdownthehall.WitheachstepItake,mynervesmultiplyandmyanxiousness
skyrockets.

Myhandsareclammy,myheartispounding,andthebutterfliesinmytummyareflutteringwithunease.
I’veneverbeengoodwithchange,andIhateattention,soknowingthatI’mabouttowalkintoanew
classroomfullofnewclassmates,withalloftheireyesonme,hasmewishingIcouldturnaroundand
headrightbackoutthosefrontdoors.

WhenImakeittotheopendoorwayofmyfirstclass,Itakeonelastdeepbreathandpushdownmy
nervesasbestasIcanandstepthrough.

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CHAPTERTWO

KAYSON


Shewalksintomythirdperiodstudyhallandit'sasifmyheartstopsbeatingandpoundsfrommychest
allatonce.Ican'ttakemyeyesoffher,evenasDamongoesonaboutoneofthemanychickshemetover
thesummer.

LikeIfuckingcarewhenthehottestchickI'veeverseenjustwalkedintotheroom.Ishefucking
blind?

She'sstunningactually.Morebeautifulthananyothergirlinthishighschool.Whoisshe?Shemustbe
newbecauseIwoulddefinitelyrememberabodylikethatroamingthesehallslastyear.

Itakealong,leisurelylookwhenshestepsfurtherintotheroomandstartswalkingovertoMr.Perkins.
Herlong,darkhairhangsdownherbackinloosewaves,hittinglowonherwaistandalmostreachingher
ass.Alushassencasedindarkdenimthathasmedoingadoubletakeandstiflingagroanbybitingmy
knuckle.AnassI'dlovetotakeajuicybiteoutof.Fuck.Itisroundandplumpandfuckingperfect.Each
roundglobeisdefinitelymorethanahandfuleach.

She'spetite;IalreadyknowI’lltoweroverher.Herbodyisbanging—anhourglassfigurewithatrim
waistthatflaresdowntomouthwateringhips.Andhertits?Don'tevengetmestarted.Adefinitehandful.
No,scratchthat,morethan,definitelymorethan.Andthethoughtofpalmingeachoneinmylargehands
hasmeclenchingmyfistssotightaroundmydeskmyknucklesbegintoturnwhite.

I'matitsman,soI'minfuckingheaven.Butforher,withanasslikethat,I'dconvert.However,itseems
I'vehitthejackpotwiththisbeauty.

Thankyou,Jesus,forcreatingsuchperfection.Musthavebeenagoodday.Goodlookingout.

Herblackeyelashesfanhercheeksasshereadsoffherclasslist.Probablyconfirmingthatshe'sinthe
rightroom.Thetight,lace-covered,brightpinktanktopagainsthertanskinmakesitseemlikeshe's
glowingandmakesherblush-taintedcheeksstandoutevenmore.

Iwonderwhatshelookslikeflushedandblushingeverywhereelse,Ithinkonagroan.WhenIrealizeit
wasoutloudIlookaroundtomakesurenooneheardme.

Shemusthavethoughbecause,allofasudden,insteadofherprofileI'mstaringhead-onatthebestrack
I'veeverseen.Iscanbackuptoherfaceandmyjawgoesslack.Mypulsethrumsthroughmyveins.My
adrenalinespikes.Theneedtoclaim,protect,andconquerrushthroughme.Hereyes.Theyarethekeyto
herfuckingsoul.Iswear.Thedeepest,richestbrownI'veeverseen.Likethey'relimitless.LikeIcould
getlostinthem.IknowIcould,andIplanonit.

Pickingmyjawupfrommydesk,Ishakemyheadandseeshe'sstillglancingmyway.Turningonmy
charmItosshermysignaturesmirkthatIknowwillflashmydimple,andwatchinaweasherblush
deepens.Ihavetoshiftinmychairtoeasetheacheofmyhard-ontighteningmyjeans.

Fuckme,sheisgorgeous.

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Myheavygazewatchesinhungerassheaimlesslywalksovertotheemptytableatthefrontoftheclass.I
watchcloselyasherroundassslowlylowersintoherseat.Meanwhile,Damonhasyettoshutupnextto
me.Hekeepsgoingonandonabouteachchickandhisdeepthroatratingsforeach.It’sannoyingly
interruptingalloftheinappropriatethoughtsragingthroughmyheadaboutthisgirl’sass.

Ishakemyheadandglareathimashecontinuestopraiseandoffertipsforimprovement,likethefucking
chicksarehereforhimtolecture,beforeswingingmygazebacktothefrontoftheclassandcontinuingto
stareatthatbodyIadmiredfrommomentsago.

EMBER


Hedidn'tnoticemeanyofthethreetimesIpassedhiminthehallway,chewingonmythumbnail.Hedidn't
evennoticemewhenIalmostcrashedintohim,afterslammingmylockerdoorinfrustrationovermy
failedinternalpeptalktocalmmynerves.Hegavemeaquickglance,atipofhischin,thenwalkedaway
tojoinagroupofguys,alongwiththesameblondesfromthismorning,whileheadingtotheirnextclass.

Butwhywouldhenoticeagirllikeme?Imayhavedevelopedoverthispastsummer,lookingmorelikea
womanthananawkwardteenager,butI'mstillthesameoldme.Shy,timid,awkward.SoI'msurprisedto
seehimlookingoveratmeasIwalkintothirdperiodstudyhallwithMr.Perkins.Icouldexpectaquick
glanceliketherestoftheclass.Butno,hiseyessettleonmeandstaythere,causingablushtoriseinmy
cheeks.I'msureIamasredasadamntomato.Itdoesn'thelpthatheisquitepossiblythemostattractive
persontoeverwalkthisearth.

I'veneverseenaboysogood-lookingbefore.Well,boywouldn'tbeanaccuratedescription.He'sallman
withhislarge,muscledformsittingathisdeskinthebackrow.Withbulgingbicepsstretchinghisshort
sleeveT-shirt,widechest,slimwaist,andlonglegsstretchingoutfromunderhisdesk.Idon'tknowhow
hemanagestosqueezehimselfintheseattobeginwithwhenhemustbesixfeettall,atleast.WhenI
passedhiminthehallshetoweredovermyfive-foot-one-inchself.

Theperfectheightformetolaymyheadagainsthisheartwhenhe'swrappingmeupinhisstrong
arms.

WitharollofmyeyesIquicklydismissthethought,asifthatwouldeverhappen.I'dhavetogetthe
couragetoeventalktohimfirst.

Itisn'tjusthisbodyandheightthatgivethisboythelookofaman.Ohno.Roundingouthismanly
appearanceisatattoopeekingoutofthesleeveonhisrightarm,fiveo'clockshadowcoveringhissquare
jaw,andlush,fulllips.

LipsthatIcanjustimaginewouldfeellikecloudsskimmingacrossmyskin.

NotthatIwouldknowwhatthatfeelslike,beingthatuntilrecentlyIwasn'twhatmostwouldconsider
desirable.ThankgoodnessI'vetrimmeddowntomoremanageablecurvesandaslightlysmallertummy.
Mymomsaysitmustbefromthestressofthedivorce,themove,andwhathasbeenourcrazylifethese
pastcoupleofyearsbecauseofmydad’sarrestandjailtime.Whateveritis,I'mthankfulithappened
beforeImetthisguy.HeisthehottestguyIhaveeverseen.

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IcanstillfeelhisstareasIwalkovertoMr.Perkins'sdesktomakesureIamintherightclass.It'sasif
hishandsareactuallycaressingmehe'sstaringsohard.

Lookingdowntoconfirmtherestofmyschedule,asMr.Perkinscheckshisclasslist,IswearIhearwhat
soundslikeagroancomingfromthebackoftheroom.Iturntoscantheroom,wonderingifI'mhearing
things,whenIzeroinonhimstaringrightatmychest.Helooksupatmyfacefinallyandhisjawgoes
slack.

What?DoIhavesomethingonmyface?

Justasquicklyasithappened,hecloseshismouthandflashesmeasmirkthatIhavenodoubtcouldmelt
theheartsandpantiesofgirlseverywhere.Andprobablyhas.

Andthat'swhenInoticeit.Adimple.Inhisleftcheek.

Holyshit.Iamdonefor.

WiththatonesmirkandlonedimpleI'mblushingevenmore,andIcan'thelpmyself.Asmileofmyown
breaksacrossmyface.Hisgrayeyesgetdarker,almostnavyincolor,andit'sasiftimestops.Thelookin
hiseyesholdpromisesIcanonlydreamof.

WiththatIturnfromMr.Perkins,notevenregisteringawordhe'ssaid,andheadovertothefirstseatin
thefrontrow.Ituckmybackpackundermydesk,pulloutthesyllabifromEnglishandHistoryandpretend
thatIstilldon'tnoticehimstaringatthebackofmyhead.It'scausingafunnyfeelingtosettledeep.Ican't
shakeit.Thisfeelingthatmylifeisabouttochange.

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CHAPTERTHREE

KAYSON


Leavingstudyhalltoheadtolunch,Damoncatchesuptome,stillchatteringonaboutwhoknowswhat.

Ihopetofuckthatgirlfromstudyhallwillbethere,too.

Ishakemyheadofmythoughts.OneglanceandI’malreadyactinglikeadamnpussy.She’sjustagirlfor
Christ’ssake.Agirlwithadefinitebangingbody,lusciousass,andtitsthatanyguywoulddroolover.But
agirlnonetheless.

Great,nowallI’mthinkingofarehertitsandass,causingthehard-onIjustgotridoftocomeroaring
backtolife.Getagrip,man.

"Dude,wereyouevenlisteningtome?"Damonasks,whilemyheadisstillwrappedupinthegirlwho
willdefinitelybetakingupmyfantasies.

"Roxannewasbanging,bro.Ridingmydicklikeafuckingchamp.Mmm."Hegroansinappreciation
whileeyeingthenewfreshmenchickswalkingtheoppositeway.Catchingtheeyeofoneofthem,he
winksather,whichcauseshertoblushandbowherhead.He’sprobablyrelivingeverycowgirl-esque
movethisRoxannechickmadewhileenvisioningthisnewbieridinghim,too.

Fuckingpervert.Ilaughtomyself.

“Hello?Youevenlisteningnow,dude?”Damontriesagain,wavinghishandinfrontofmyface.

"Younoticethatchickwalkintostudyhall?”Iask,tryingtokeeptheeagernessandcuriosityoutofmy
voice.IfDamoncatchesonIwillneverheartheendofit.

"Whatchick?”heaskswithapuzzledlookonhisface.“Oh,youmustmeanthenewgirl.Ember.Iheard
someoftheguysonthefootballteamtalkingaboutherearlierinthehalls.”

"Ember,"Iwhispertomyself,tastinghernameonmylips.ClearingmythroatwhenIrealizeImustlook
likeapussy-whippeddouchecanoe,IreplytoDamon.“Yeah,man,mustbeher.Sawherwalkintostudy
hall,that’sall.”Itrytoplayitoffandactcool.

Isithotinhere?

"Yeah,bro,thatchickishotashell.Shyasshit,butstillhot,”hesays,lookingoveratmeasIkeepmy
facestraightaheadandneutralwhilewefinishnavigatingthehallstolunch.

“Youdidn’tnoticeheroncetodayinthehalls?”heasks,lookingatmewithapuzzledexpressionwhenI
turntofacehimaswegettothecafeteria.

"No,Ihaven’t,why?”

“Oh,Idon’tknow,probablybecauseyouonlyalmostrammedintoherthismorningafterfirstperiod.

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That’swhy.ButIgetit,blondesareusuallyyourthing,soyouwereprobablyoverlookingher.”

Blondesmayhavebeenmypreferencebefore,butnowIhaveasuddenthingfortinybrunetteswith
curvestokill.

“Yeah,well,I’venoticedhernow,”Isay,whilepushingthroughthedoorsofthecafeteria.Istopdeadin
mytracks,causingDamontobumpintome.StandingatthetablewithSamandTracey,withherbackto
me,isEmberandthatlusciousass.

Iamsofucked.

EMBER


IscanthelunchroomlookingforSam.ShesaidtolookforherwhenIgottothecafeteriasowecouldsit
together.Ispotheronmysecondglanceoftheroom,sittingoveratatablewithanotherreallyprettygirl.

AmItheonlyaverage-lookinggirlaroundhere?Sheesh.

Shespotsmeandstartstowavefrantically,causingafewheadstoturnmyway.Nervously,Istarttowalk
overtojointhem.

ImetSaminmyfirstperiodEnglishclassthismorningandwehititoffrightaway.She’sajuniorlikeme
andseemswonderful.She’sfeisty,funny,sweet,andnottomentiononeoftheprettiestgirlsIthinkI’ve
everseen.Shehasdarkauburnhairthatisalmostaslongasmine,theprettiestblue-tealeyes,andissmall
likeme,butacoupleinchestallerandalittlelesscurvy.

FromthesecondIwalkedintoMrs.Kerry’sEnglishclass,astammering,tremblingmess,shemadeither
missiontobecomemyfriend.Sheintroducedherselffirsttosavemefromthegossipingblondebimbosin
thecornerandthendraggedmetotheseatnexttohers.Shewaswelcomingandchatterednonstopabout
hersummervacation,takingthefocusoffofme,whichIappreciated.InbetweenthelecturesfromMrs.
Kerry,ofcourse.

Asthebellrangtomarktheendoffirstperiod,Samaskedformyclassscheduleandofferedtowalkme
tomynextclass,sinceshehadmathnextdoor.Atthattimewenoticedwehadacouplemoreclasses
togetherthroughouttheweek.ItwasarelieftoknowI’dhaveherbymysidewhileIgotusedtothenew
schoolandnewpeople.OncewemadeittoourclassesSamdeclaredthatwe’dbefriends,andIcouldn’t
arguewithher.Shemadethestartofmyfirstdaybearableandsheseemsprettykick-ass.Sofriendswe
shallbe.

AsImakemywayovertothetableSamstandsandgivesmeahugehug,surprisingme.Shereallyis
amazing.

“Hey,girl!You’llhavetotellushowtherestofyourmorninghasgone.Andifanyonegaveyouanyshit
tellmewhosoIcangokicksomeass!”IlaughnervouslyatherbecauseIhaveafunnyfeelingthatshe’s
completelyserious.IfthelookonherfaceisanyindicationIwouldsaysheis.

“Nope,allgood.JusttheusualHistoryclassandstudyhallbeforethis,whichincludedtheusualjocks,

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nerds,anddumbblondes.”Samandtheothergirllaugh,easingmyanxietyalittlemore.

“Ohcrap,sorry.Lookatmealreadyforgettingyou’renewhere.Letmeintroduceyoutomyotherbestie,”
shesaysassheturnstothegirlsittingwithher.“Besidesyou,ofcourse,”sheaddswithawink.

“ThiscuteandquietlittlethinghereisTracey.”Shewavesandsmilesatme,andasIwavebackSam
interjectsagain.“Butdon’tlethercuteandtimidappearancefoolyou;sheisjustascrazyasme.”She
laughsatherself,causingusalltolaughagain.

IthinkI’llfitinjustfine.

ItakeaseatnexttoSamandtakeoutmypackedlunchassheandTraceybegindrillingmewithsome
questions,likewhereI’mfrom,whyImoved,andifInoticedanyofthehottiesyet.Ikeepmyresponses
lightsinceI’mnottooproudofwhatcausedMommaandmetomove.SoIsticktothebasics:I’mfrom
Vermont,andwemovedbecausemyparentsgotdivorced.Iavoidansweringtheirlastquestion,butend
upflushingcrimsonwhenIthinkofthatguyfromstudyhall.

“I’dsayshemusthaveseensomeonethatcaughthereyewithablushlikethat.”Traceysnickers,causing
myblushtodeepen.Ireallyneedtoworkonthat.

SamlookslikesheisabouttoaddtoTracey’scommentwhensomethingcatcheshereyeovermy
shoulder.“Ohgreat,heretheyarenow.Mr.PopularityandMr.KingoftheSchool.”

Iturntoseewhoshe’stalkingaboutwhenmyeyescollidewithhim.Iturnawayquicklyandtrytohide
myreaction,butSam’sknowinglooktellsmeshe’sfiguredoutwhocaughtmyeyetoday.

Whataretheodds?

“Whichone?”Traceyasks.

“Huh?”Itrytoplaydumb,butevenaftertenminuteswiththesegirlstheyalreadyseemtoknowwhatI’m
about.

“DamonMilesorKaysonWilliams?Theyareprobablythetwomostpopularseniorsinthisschool.
Whichonehasyouturningasredasatomato?”Theybothlookatmeexpectantly,waitingonmyanswer.

“Well,I’mnotsure.Bothofthemwereinmystudyhallrightbeforethis.Buttheslightlytalleroneinthe
blackT-shirt—”

“Knewit!Kayson‘theKing’Williamsalwaysgetsthegirlsgoing.”Samlaughs.

Ofcoursethehottestguyeverhastohavethehottestnameever.Imusthavesaidthatoutloudbecauseall
ofasuddenthebothofthemburstoutlaughing.Ican’thelpbutjoinin.

Thethreeofusarestilllaughingwhenadeepvoicebreaksthrough,quietingusallforamoment.“Ladies,
ladies,ladies.Whathasyouthreeallsmilestoday?”TheoneIpresumeisDamonasks.Awidesmile
covershishandsomefaceashescansussittingatthetable.

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HiseyeslockontoTraceyashesinglesherout,causinghertoblush.“Hey,Ace,”hesimplystatesbefore
heswingshisgazeovertome.

“Heythere,I’mDamon,andyoumustbetheinfamousEmberI’veheardabout.”Heintroduceshimself
whilehegrabsmyhandtoplaceakisstomyknuckles.Hishazeleyesstandoutagainsthisdarkcaramel
coloredskin,curledblacklashes,andbuzzedblackhair.Hisbroad,tallframetoweringovermeinmy
seat.

Iwasright,thisisDamon,butwhatdoeshemeanhe’sheardaboutme?

Ashelowersmyhandfromhislips,Kaysonslapshimupsidetheheadandknockshimoutoftheway.

“Sorryabouthim.I’mKayson.”

Ohgoodness.

“H-hi.I’mEmber.”MyeyesslideclosedwhenInoticemystammering,higher-pitchedtone.

Gosh,whymustIsoundlikeanidiot?IknowImustberedderthanadangfiretruck.Delightful.

Hesmirksatmystammering,andIjustaboutdie.Thatdimpleisonfulldisplayrightinfrontofme.

Yep.Lifechanging.

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CHAPTERFOUR

-OCTOBER-

EMBER

AsSam,Tracey,andIstartunpackingourlunchesandtalkingaboutourplansfortheweekend,Kayson
andDamonwalkoverandplopdownatthetwoemptyspotsatthetable.Thetwoofthemgoingonabout
howoneoftheirfriendspulledaschoolprankandgothimselfsuspended.

Thatwillhappenwhenyousomehowgetthegroundskeeper’sgolfcartparkedontheroofoftheschool.A
schoolthatistwostoriestall.Irollmyeyesatthem.

Eversincethefirstdayofschoolwhenweallmetinthecafeteria,thefiveofussittogetherforlunch.The
guysdon’tseemtomindthatwe’reayearyoungerorcareabouttheattentionwegarnerbecauseofthat.
Theywaltzintothecafeterialiketheywalkaroundtherestoftheschool.Liketheyownit.

I'dbelyingifIsaidIdidn'tgetasmallthrillatknowingtheychoseusoverthesnobbyseniorgirlsthey
couldsoeasilyspendtheirtimewith.TheattentionfromthosegirlsandtheirglaresIcoulddowithout
though.

Damondubbedus‘thecrew’andinsuchashorttimewehavebecomequitethegroup.Sam,Tracey,andI
hangoutalmosteverydayafterschoolandthenmostweekends.Wesomehowalwaysendupmeetingwith
KaysonandDamonatsomepoint,too.Whichalsoaddstotheattentionthethreeofusgirlsgetbecause
weareusuallywithone,ifnottwo,ofthehottestguysinschool.

MommawashappywhenIbroughtSamandTraceybythehousethatfirstdayafterschool.Shesaid
schoolwasformakingfriendsandmemoriesandthatIwashalfwaythereasshehuggedmetightly.She
wasevenhappierwhenthegirlsletitslipthatIcaughttheattentionofKayson.Iblushedfiercely,shook
myhead,androlledmyeyesatthethreeofthemgigglingtothemselvesatmyexpense.

Evennow,amonthlater,IhavenocluewhattheyaretalkingaboutwhenitcomestoKayson.We'reonly
friends.Nothingmore.Iknowwespendalotoftimetogether,andhegivesmeridestoandfromschool
mostdays,butthat'sreallyit.We'reusuallysurroundedbyotherpeopleorourfriends,we'reneveralone
formorethanashorttime,andhe'snevermadeamove.

Andifhefeltmoreforme,surelyheisthetypeofguytomakeamove,right?Hedoesn'tholdbackinany
otheraspectofhislife,sowhywouldhewithme?EspeciallywhenIknowIdon'thidemyfeelingsfor
himaswellasIthinkIdo.

I'mbroughtoutofmythoughtsasInoticeSamandTraceyrolltheireyeswhenDamonwaggleshis
eyebrowsatthem.

Thatguyisjusttoomuch.Ilaughtomyself.

He’salwaystryingtocharmthepantsoffofanynumberofgirls,whethertheyareclassmatesorrandoms
weencounterwhenwe’reallouttogether.Toobadforhim—SamandTraceyseemtobeimmunetohis

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antics.Hetriesreallyhardthough,andwhenitdoesn'tworkonthem,hejustfindsanotherunsuspecting
girl.

Despitehispiggishbehavior,heisoneofthefunniestguysI’veevermetandhealwayskeepsuslaughing.
Wellmostofus,TraceysometimesgetsthislookIcan'tquitefigureoutyet.Butitlooksalotlikelonging.
EspeciallywhenDamonmakesussufferthroughmeetinghislatestgroupieshesometimesbringsaround.

"Yougoingtothegametonight?"Kaysonasks,bringingmygazefromDamontohim,andIseehimsmiling
acrossthelunchtableatme.

Likethat'sevenaquestion.I'vebeentoeverygamesincethefirstone.Notonlyisfootballmyfavorite
sport,butKaysonalsoplays,sothat’sanobrainer.

"OfcourseI'llbethere.I'malwaysthere,aren'tI?"Ireplysoftly.Althoughwe’vebeentalkingalmost
dailyandbecamefriendsthispastmonth,hestillmakesmenervous.I’mworkingonit,butwithhissteel
grayeyes,slightsmirk,andlonedimpleonthathandsomeface,Ican’thelpbutstammerandgetanxious.

“Justchecking,”hereplieswithawink.

Andtheregoesmydamnheartagain.IknowImustbeblushingtoo,withthewayhissmirkturns
knowing.

Jerk.

"Wellasmuchaswe'dlovetostayandfinishlunchwithyouladies,KaseandIhaveafootballmeeting
weneedtogetto."Damoninterruptsourchatterashestands,winksatusgirls,thenclapsKaysononthe
shoulder.

"Ohshit,that'sright."Kaysonstandsandshakeshishead."Itotallyforgotaboutthat."

"Yeah,andIwonderwhy,"Damonthrowsoutwithasmirkinplace.CausingSamandTraceytosnicker
liketheyknowsomethingIdon't,andcausingKaysontoglareoverathimwhileheshoveshimawayfrom
thetable.

"Shutyourdamnmouthandgo."

Idon'tmissKayson'sirritatedtone,butshrugitoffastheymaketheirwaytothemeeting.

Beforehemakesithalfwayacrossthecafeteria,Kaysonturnsaroundandlooksrightatme.Theroom
goessilentasheshoutsacrosstheroom,"Imeanttotellyoutowaitbythebleachersafterthegame
tonight."

Anothersmirk.

"I'llseeyoutonight,Em."

AlleyesarenowonusasheturnsbacktowalkoutbehindDamon.Iduckmyheadtohideyetanother
blush,causedbothbyhimandtheattentionheputonme.

Butmainlybecauseofhim.

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CHAPTERFIVE

KAYSON


Whatafuckinggame!Ourrivalsputupadamngoodfight,buttheywerenomatchfortheTide.A24to
17victoryhasneverfeltsogood.

Myhandisevenmorejackedthanbeforethough.Afterinjuringitatpracticetheotherday,whenIwas
buriedatthebottomofapileofdefensivelinemen,tryingtoblockthathittonightwasn’tsmartonmypart.
Butithelpedgetmethatfirstdown,soitwasworthit.

Adrenalineisstillpumpingthroughmyveins,dullingthepaininmythrobbinghand.Ishakeitoutand
thinkaboutthepillsIhavesittinginmylocker.They’resupposedtobeforemergencies.Ithinkthis
qualifies.

Navigatingoffthefieldandthroughthecrowd,IlookforEmberwhereIaskedhertowaitbythe
bleachers.ButwhatIseehasmyadrenalinetakingonawholeotherlevel—DeckerEdwardstalkingwith
mygirl.Mygirlwhodoesn'tknowshe'smineyet,eventhougheveryoneelseknowsI'mmakingmyplay.

Thatfuckergraduatedlastyear,whathe'sstilldoingathighschoolfootballgamesonaFridaynightIwill
neverknow.Actually,Icantakeaguessortwo.Probablylookingforhisnexteasylayortryingtoscore
somesales.Everyoneknowshe'sthelocaldealeraroundtown.

JustasIpushthroughthefencethatseparatesthestandsandplayer’sbenchtogettoEmber,Icatch
Decker’scomment.“What’saprettylittlethinglikeyoudoingallbyherselfoverhere?Youmustbenew
becausethereisnowayIwouldn’trememberafineasslikeyours.”

Hiseyesroamherbodyfromtoptobottomandbackagain,boilingmybloodlikenoother.I’mnotusually
ajealousguy.Noothergirlhaseverbroughtthiskindofpossessivenessoutofmebefore.Butitseems
thatwhenitcomestoEmber,allbetsareoff.

IpickupmypaceandaboutsnapthefacemaskoffmyhelmetwhenIseeDeckermakeamoveandbring
onehandtoEmber'sfaceandtheothertoherlefthip.Sheflinchesalittleandthere’snooneelsearound
tonotice.Exceptme.Red-hotfuryboilsundermyskin.

Howdarethatmotherfuckertouchher.

I’mattheminaflashandshovingthatfuckerawayfromher.Istepbetweenthemandplacemyinjuredleft
handtoEmber’scheektocheckonherfirst.

“Youokay,Em?”Myeyesscantheuneaseacrossherface,whichisslowlyeasingawayatmytouch.

“Yeah,I’mbetternow,”sherepliessoftly.

Assheassuresmeshe’sokay,that’swhenIfeelDeckergetclose.Ispinaroundquickly,comingfaceto
foreheadwithhimsinceI’magoodfourorsoinchestaller.Nottomentionwider,too.

"Hey,man,chill.Ididn'tknowyouwerealreadyhittin'that."Hesmirksthenstepsslightlytothesideto

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getalookatEmberasheaddressesher.Sneerfirmlyinplace."Maybewhenyou'redonewiththis
assholeyou'llbereadytohititwitharealman,sweetcheeks."

Idropmyhelmetsofasthedoesn'tseeitcomingwhenIshovehimback,outofmyface,thenlandasolid
hittohisjaw.Snappinghisheadtotheleft.ThankGodwe'rebythebleachersorcoachwouldhavemy
assforfighting.

Ohwellthough.I'ddoitagain.Thisdouchebagneedstolearnsomerespect.

WhenDeckerrubshisjawthentakesasteptocomeatme,Igetreadytotakehimdownagain,butallofa
suddenIfeelarmsaroundmyshoulders.IturntolookbacktoseeDamonistheonepullingmeaway
whilestillmakingsuretokeepaneyeonDeckerincasehedecidestotrytosuckerpunchme.

"Man,calmthefuckdown."

"Douchebagneedstolearnsomerespect."Ivoicemyearlierthoughts.

“Yeah,well,heisn’tworthit.Nowwalkawayandgocheckonyourgirl.Ithinkyouupsethereven
more.”

IspinaroundtoseewhereDamonpointedandseeSamandTraceyconsolingEmber.

Fuck.I’mpracticallyjoggingovertoherI’mwalkingsofast.WhenImakeittoherIeasemyselfbetween
thegirlswithmyshoulderpadsandgrabEmber’sbeautifulface.

"Hey,Em,shh,I'msorry.Ididn'tlikethethoughtofhimtalkingtoyouorlookingatyoulikethat."She
seemstosoftenatmytouchlikeshealwaysdoesandleansintomypadded,sweatybody.

“Thankyouforstickingupforme.Hewassocreepy.”Thedisgustandslighttrembleinhertonemakes
meseeredalloveragain.

“DidhesayanythingelsetoyouthatIdidn’thear?Touchyouanywhereelse?BecauseifhedidI’m
turningaroundtogokickhisassagain.”

SherushesonbeforeIcansaymore.“No,no,hedidn’t,Kayson,Iswear.Idon’twantyougettinginto
troubleforme.It’sokay;youmadeitoverjustintime.”

“Ember,haven’tyourealizedyetthatI’ddoalotforyou?”Sheblushesandit’soneofthemostbeautiful
sightsI’veeverseen.JustlikethatfirsttimeIsawher.

"Gotothedancewithmetomorrownight,"Iblurtout.Realsmoothasshole.Especiallyunderthese
circumstances.

"Wh-what?"SheseemsshockedthatI'devenaskher.Inoticesometimesthatsheputsherselfdownor
disregardscompliments.Orshe'llbesurprisedbymyactions,likeshehasnocluehowmuchIreallywant
her.

Timetofixthat.

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Itakeadeepbreathandtryagain.Withoutsoundinglikeafuckingasshole."Ember,willyoubemydateto
thehomecomingdancetomorrownight?"

SheflashesmeasmilesobrightIactuallyfalter.

Damn,thatcanbelethal.

ThatblushIlovesomuchrushestowardhercheeksasshenodsherconsent.ButIneedtohearit."Tell
meyou'llbemydate,Em."

"I'llbeyourdate.I'dlovetogowithyou,Kayson."Abright,widesmilestillonherface.

Givingnofucksaboutmysweatyfootballgear,IpullheragainstmeasbestasIcantowrapherinahug.
Shedoesn'tseemtocareeither,becauseherarmsgoaroundmyneckandherhandsplaywiththehairat
thebackofmyneck.

Fuckdoesthatfeelgood.

Ineverusuallygotothesethingswithanyone.Ilikeleavingmyoptionsopen.Butaftertonight,andallthe
tiptoeingaroundmyfeelingsforhersincelayingmyeyesonherforthefirsttimelastmonth,I'mchanging
that.

Idon’texactlyknowwhatitisaboutEmberthathasmefeelingthisway.Whatitisaboutherthatmakes
mewanttoclaimandprotect.ButwhateveritisIknowIneedtomakemymoveandmakehermine.

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CHAPTERSIX

EMBER


Ohmycrap.IstillcannotbelievethatKaysonWilliams,themostpopularguyinschool,askedmetogo
tothehomecomingdancewithhimtonight.

Heaskedmeasifitwasthemostnaturalthingtodo,butIwassoshocked.Myfeelingssurpassthatof
friendshipforhim,butIdidn’tthinkhisdid.EventhoughthegirlsarealwaystellingmethatI'mcrazyfor
missingthewayheiswithmeandaroundme,orthewayhelooksatme,andhowheisalwaystouching
me.Theytrytotellmethathehasneverbeenthiswaywithothergirls.Pastorpresent.ButIcan'tseeit.

Ordon't.

Eitherway,whywouldhechooseme,thenewgirlwithaconvictforafather,whenhecanhavethepick
ofanygirlofanyagethathewants?AndwhenIsayanyage,Imeananyage.Cougarsthrowthemselves
athim,notthatIblamethem,butit'sgross.

Withthatfinalthoughtthere'saknockatmybedroomdoorasmymompushesthrough.

"Hey,sweetheart,thegirlsaredownstairs.ShouldIjustsendthemup?"

"Yeah,Momma.Sendthem—"

I'mcutoffbythegirlspushingthroughthedoornexttoMomma.Ishouldn'tbesurprised,evenafterjust
overamonthoffriendshipit'slikewe'veallbeenfriendsforever.Sothembarginginandmaking
themselvesathomeisn'tanythingnew.

"Sorry,Mrs.Martinez,butSamcouldn'twaitanylonger,"Traceychimesinwhiletheculprittossesher
dozenorsobagsontomybed.

OhdearLord,helpmenow.

"Girls,I'vetoldyoutocallmeCassandra.Please."Mommaoffersthemasmile,butitdoesn’treachher
eyes.ShehatesbeingcalledMrs.Martinezthesedays,andIdon'tblameher.

"Yes,that'sright.Sorry,Cassandra."

"Noworries,dear.I'llleaveyouthreetoitthen."Momma'smoodimprovesandsheclapsherhands
together."Ican'twaittoseeyoubeautifulgirlsalldressedup."Withthatsheleavesusandclosesthe
doorgently.

"Okay,girls,makeovertime."

Ohno.

"Sam,whatdoyoumean'makeovertime’?"

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"ImeanexactlywhatIsaid.Whatdoyouthinkallthesebagsarefor?We'reheretogiveyouamakeover
toknockKayson‘theKing’onhisass."ShelooksatmelikeI’mtheloonyone.

Irollmyeyes.Herewegoagain.

"Girl,Idon'tknowhowyoucanmissit.Hecanneverkeephiseyesoffofyou.Heisalwayshuggingyou
andkissingyourhead.I'mtellingyou,we'retellingyou,thatheissointoyou."Traceygivesasharpnod
aftershefinisheshermini-rant.Samisnoddingenthusiasticallybehindher,unpackingacoupleofthebags
shebrought.

“Wecanagreetodisagree,can’twe?He’sjustbeingfriendlylikeI’msureheiswithallhisfriendsthat
aregirls.”Mystomachdropsatthatthought.

EspeciallywhenIthinkbacktotheotherdaywhenIoverheardacoupleofseniorgirlstalkingabout
Kaysonandmeinthegirls’sbathroom.Theydidn’tknowIwasalreadyinastallwhentheywalkedin,
butIhaveafeelingthatitwouldn’thavematteredeveniftheydid.Theonewiththehigher-pitchedvoice
couldn’tstoptalkingabouthowhotandsmartandperfectKaysoniscomparedtoanyotherguyinthis
school.Whiletheotheronewouldnotshutupabouthowshort,fat,andplainIwasorhowtheycouldn’t
figureoutwhathewouldeverseeinme.Thesearethethingstheyweretalkingaboutandwearen’teven
dating.Icouldn’timaginewhatwouldhappenifwereallywere.

IswallowbackthehurtthatstartstocreepupfromthatreminderbeforeIcontinueon.

“Orheprobablyjustfeelslikeheneedstobenicetothenewgirl.”

AtthelookonmyfaceTraceytossesherhandsintheairandshakesherheadindefeat,asSammarches
uptome,grabbingmyshoulders.

“Youlistenhere,EmberMartinez.”Shegivesmealittleshakebeforesheletsgoandstartstickingoff
reasonsonherfingers.

“One:Kayson‘theKing’isn’tfriendlywithjustanybody.Hell,we’reallhisfriendsandhedoesnotgo
aroundhuggingmeandkissingmyhead.”Onefingerdown.

“Two:heisn’tjustbeingnicesinceyou’rethenewgirl.Justbeingnicewouldbeshowingyouaround,
maybeacknowledgingyouinthehallwayinpassing.Notdrivingyoueverywhereandwalkingyouto
classes.”Secondfingerdown.

“Amongotherthings,”Traceyaddswithsomesass.Irollmyeyesather.

“Ohandthree:WEARENOTWRONG.”SheliterallyyellsthisasIblinkather.“Heissointoyou.Just
youwaitandseehowhereactswhenwe’redonewithyou.”Shefinisheswhilerubbingherhands
togetherasaslightlymaniacalsmilestretchesacrossherface.TraceycackleslikeSam’sevilhenchman
inthebackground.

Ohgreat.

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Twohours,acanofhairspray,andfivewardrobechangeslater,allthreeofusarereadytogo.They
wouldn’tletmelookinanymirrorswhiletheywereprimingandprimpingme.NotwhenTraceydidmy
makeup.NotwhenSamdidmyhair.Andnotwhentheybothdressedme.Sowhentheyspinmearoundto
facethefull-lengthmirrorbehindmyclosetdoorIcan’thelpbutgasp.It’sme,butdifferent.Theydidn’t
gotooheavyonmymakeup,toobigonmyhair,ortooskimpyonmydress.AlllikeIasked.

Myhairiscurledintobig,loosebarrelcurlsthathangdownmybackgracefully.Mytanskinis
accentuatedwithlightblush,myeyeswithafewswipesofmascara,andmyfulllipswithasheerpink
gloss.MydressisshorterthanI’musedto,butnotindecent,hittingalittlelowerthanmid-thigh.It’sblack
withasweetheartnecklineshowingoffmyamplecleavagetastefully,andwhenIgotospinInoticeit’s
backlesstoalittlepastmid-back,allowingmetostillbeabletowearabra.

ThankGod.

TearsstarttowellinmyeyesasIfinishassessingmylook,butbeforetheycanfallIspinaroundquickly
andgrouphugthesetwobeautifullyamazinggirlswhoarehoveringbehindme.

“Thankyouboth.Somuch.”Ichokeout.

“Girl,stopit.Youaregoingtoruinourmakeup.”Traceysniffles.

“I’msorry.I’veneverhadthisbefore—girlfriendsandgettingreadyfordances.BackhomeinVermontI
kepttomyselfandnoonereallytookinterest.”Untilmydadgotarrestedthatis.Thenpeoplewouldn’t
leavemealone.

“Okay,enoughofthis,youtwo,”Samspeaksup.“It’stimeforustomakesomeboysdroolandtoprove
Emberwrong.Hopalongnow.”Shepointstomynowopenbedroomdoorandslapsusonthebuttsaswe
walkbyher.Well,ImoreliketeetersinceI’mwearingthree-inchwedgesandalsthatI’veneverworn
before.

Whenwemakeitdownthehalltothelivingroom,Mommagetsupfromreadingonthecouchandtears
immediatelywellinhereyes.Iplasterasmileonmyfacetohelpwardoffmyowntearsinreactionto
hers.

“Ohmy.Don’tyougirlslookbeautiful,”shesays,asshelooksusallover.“Ember,youlookstunning,
darling.Kaysonisn’tgoingtoknowwhathithim.”

Mymouthdropsopenwhenshesaysthat.“What?HowdoyouknowthatKaysonandIaregoing
together?”Igiveheranincredulouslook.“Andheisn’twhyI’mdressedlikethisanyway.Thiswasn’tmy
doing.”Myfaceisflushedred,Iknowit.

Mommagivesmeasternlook.“I’myourmother,Ember.Iknowall.”Shelooksovermyshoulderthen
startstoshakewithlaughter.“Plus,Samfilledmein.”

IspintoseeSamsmilingherCheshirecatsmileasshewinksatme.“What?”Shetriestolookinnocent,
butIknowsheisanythingbut.

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“Canwegonow?”Ihuffoutandheadtothedoor,butMommastopsmebeforeIcanmakeitcompletely.

“Youdolookbeautifultonight,sweetheart.Ihopeyouhaveagreattime,youdeserveit,”shewhispersto
measshegivesmeoneofherfamoushugs.“Becarefultonight,andI‘llseeyouwhenyougethomeafter
thedance.Anddrivesafe,Sam,”shesaysloudenoughforthegirlstohear.

Withthatweallshuffleoutthedoor,megrabbingmyclutchfromthesidetable,thenpileintoSam’sfour-
doorsedan.

Itakeadeepbreath,tryingtoquellmynervesandmyracingheart.Butit’snousebecauseitknowswe’re
abouttoseeKayson.

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CHAPTERSEVEN

KAYSON

EmberstepsoutofSam'scarandallthebreathisknockedfrommychestasIscanherfromheadtotoe.
Herbeautifulcurvesareonfulldisplayinherblackdressthat'slikeasecondskin.Withadelicious
amountofcleavageshowing.

Mydickstartstojacktolifewhensheturnsaroundtofinishherconversationwiththegirlsastheyget
out,myjawhitsthegroundandmydickishardasfuckingsteel.Holyfuck.Thedressisprettymuch
backless,andthatassthatstarsinmostofmyfantasiesisshowcasedtoperfection.

Thisisgoingtobealongnight.

ThedressmustbeonloanfromoneofthegirlsbecausenowaywouldEmberownsomethinglikethis.
Shemaynotbemineyet,butIknowmygirl,andseeinghowuncomfortableshelooks,Iknowthisdress
can'tbehers.

She'sblushingasshewalksuptome,andIknowit'sbecauseoftheblatantlookI'mgivingher.I'm
clenchingmyfistssotightlymyknucklespopfromtryingtorestrainmyselffromhaulingherovermy
shoulderanddoingthethingsI'vebeendyingtodotoher.WhenshefinallymakesitoverInoticeinstead
ofherheadhittingthetopofmychestshe'suptomychin.Thosedamnshoesshehasoncan'tbehers
either.Nonetheless,shelooksgorgeous,andIamoneluckysonofabitchtohaveherherewithme.

Iwrapanarmaroundherwaisttobringherinforahugwhenshe’swithinreachingdistance."Youlook
gorgeous,Ember.IcanonlyimaginetheamountofassI'mgoingtohavetokicktonight."Pullingaway,I
seeherblushdarkenalongwithaconfusedlookcrossherface,andIcan'thelpbutsmirk.

Fuckisshebeautiful.

AndasifIdidn’tthinkshecouldbecomeanymorebeautiful,herlipspartandasmilesobrightsplitsher
facethatI’mrenderedspeechlessforaminute.

Withthatonesmile,clarityhitsmelikeablowtothechest.Outofnowheremyworldisforeverchanged.
EmberisnolongerjustagirlIwanttofuck,butagirlIwanttoknow.Toliveandbreathe.Lookingather
rightnow,blushstaininghercheeksandapuresmilestretchingacrossherface,myworldisonfire.It's
burningandblazingandIneedher.IcraveherandIhaven'tevenhadatasteyet.Withthatoneshylook
andperfectsmileI'mfucked.Soscrewed.Mysoulscreamsforhers.Iknowitnow,whatthisfeelinghas
beenthat’sconsumedmethispastmonth.I'mlitupfromtheinsideout.Sheisexactlywhatmydesolate
worldhasbeencraving.AndwiththatthoughtIknowIwillstopatnothingtomakehermine.

Asdeterminationswirlsthroughmyveins,EmberandIwaitsidebysidefortherestofthecrewtomake
itover.Myhandstayingfirmly,butgently,tothesmallofherbackaswewait.

Sampassesusfirstandsmirksthenwinksasshewalksby,gigglingsomethingtoEmberthatIcan’tquite
makeoutassheopensthedoorstothegym.I'mshakingmyheadatthatgirl’santicsasIwatchEmber
followthroughbehindherwithafrowningTraceyatherside.Emberwhisperssomethinginherearthat
hasherdroppingthenshakingherhead.

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Istarttomakemywayafterthem,moreimportantlyEmber,whenDamonfinallywalksupwithhislatest
flavoroftheweek,clingingtohimlikeherlifedependsonit.Hegivesmeachinliftandwithoutsayinga
wordfollowsmeintothehomecomingdanceIwasoncedreadingtoattend.I’mnowthankfulasfuckI'm
hereasIwatchEmbermakeherwaytoatablewithhergirls.Thatlusciousassdroppingintoaseathas
mewalkingoverquicklytomakesurenooneelsetriestomakeamove.

EMBER

AsayawnbreaksfreeIcovermymouthtohideitfromKayson.Buthenoticesanywayandleansinclose
tomyearsonooneelsecanhear.

"Letmegetyouhome,it'sbeenalongnightofdancingforyou."Hesmirksandmyinsidesturntojelly.

Heissodamnbeautiful.

Anoddthoughttohaveaboutaguy,Iknow,butit’ssotrue.He’snotonlybeautifulontheoutside,buton
theinsideaswell.Hehasanamazingheartandissosmart.He’sacontradictionreally—comingfrom
nothingbutbeingenviedbyall.He’sthedefinitionofnotlettinghiscircumstancesdefinehim,which
makeshimevenmorebeautifultome.

AftershakingoffmythoughtsIagreewithanod,andasmilestretchesacrosshisface.Westandfromthe
tableandsaygoodbyetoeveryone,callingitanight.SamflashesawinkasTraceywearsaknowing
smile.

Ishakemyheadandturnawayquicklybeforetheycanseemeblush.Gosh,Idoalotofthatlately.

Islipoffmywedgeheelsfrommyachingfeetbeforeweleavethetableandholdtheminmylefthandas
Kaysongrabsmyrightandpullsmethroughthegymnasium.HeflinchesasIclasphishand.Irealizetoo
latethatit'shislefthandI'mholdingandImusthaveclaspedhistenderhandtighterthanIshouldhave.I
gotodropitandapologizewhenhestopsandpullsmeflushtohischestinthemiddleofthedancefloor.

"It'sfine,Em.Myhandisabitsorestillfromthegamelastnight.ButI'dtakethatpainanydayifitmeant
gettingtofeelyourskinagainstmine."

Ohgoodness.Really?

JustasIblushagain,andamabouttoreplywithmyapologyanyway,aslowbeatstartstoplayfroma
familiarsong.Kaysonsurprisestheheckoutofmebydroppingmyheelsfrommylefthand,wrapping
bothofmyarmsaroundhisneck,andthenbringshishandstomyhips.

We’restillinthemiddleofthedancefloor,withalleyesonus,butit’sasifwearetheonlytwointhe
roomwiththewayhe’slookingatme.

Westarttoswayto“MakeYouFeelMyLove”byAdeleandI'msurprisedagainwhenKaysonstartsto
lightlyhumthesongagainstmyear.Hiswarmbreathblowingacrossmyneckcausesgoosebumpsto
breakoutacrossmyskin.Icanfeelasmilegracehisgorgeouslipsthatrestagainstthesideofmyhead

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afterhedroppedakissthere.Probablyfromnoticingmyreactiontohim.

HepullsmecloserbymyhipsasIstarttoplaywiththehairatthebaseofhisneck.Hehasonelargehand
splayedinthemiddleofmybarebackwiththeothersplayedatmylowerback,ridingdangerouslylow
towardmybehind.Ilaymyheadagainsthischesttohearthesteadybeatofhisheart.Sureandstrong,just
likehim.

It'ssurrealbeinginthearmsofthisbeautifulguywhohascometomeansomuchtomesoquickly.We
didn'tdanceallnightandIwasfinewiththat.IhitthedancefloorwithSamandTraceyenoughthatonce
theslowsongscameonIwascontenttositwitheveryoneandenjoythefeelofKayson'shandsonme.It's
asifhecouldn'tstoptouchingme,alwaysmakingsuretohaveahandonmesomewhere.Mythigh,my
back,anarmdrapedoverthebackofmychairwithhishandplayingwithaloosecurl.

It’sbeentheperfectnightoftendertouchesandinnocentsmiles.

Butthis,beinginhisarms,issomuchmore,andIcanfeeltheshiftinus.Asifthingsareabouttochange.


WecontinuetoswaytothebeautifulsongasIrealizehowperfectthissongisforus.Howthewords
representussoperfectly.BecauseIwould,I'ddoanythingtomakehimfeelmylove.

AsthesongcomestoanendKaysonpullsawayslightlyandlooksintomyeyes.Butterfliestakeflightin
mystomachandIthinkhe'sgoingtokissme.Righthere,infrontofthewholeschool.Istarttoleaninas
hedoes,buthekissesmycheekinstead.

"Thanksforthatdance,beautiful.Nowletmegetyouhome."

Wewalkouthandinhandtohistruck,andI'mstillasnervousasIwaswhenIthoughthewasgoingto
kissme.BecauseIwantedhimtoandIstillwanthimto.

Icontemplatemakingthefirstmove.Itcan'tbethathard,right?BeforeIcanputanymorethoughtintoit
hehasmeagainstthepassengersideofhistruck,outofsightfromanyoneelse.

"IthoughtIcouldbeagentlemantonight.ThoughtIcouldwaitandtakethisslowlikeIplanned.ButI
can't.Notwithyoulookingsogorgeous.Notwithwatchingeveryfuckerinthatroomwatchyoudance
andmoveinthistight-as-fuckdress."He'scagingmeinwithhisbigbody,whichshouldbeintimidating,
butitonlymakesmefeelsafe.

"Ineedtokissyou,baby.”

Ohmygoodness.OhmyGod,hecalledmebaby.

“Ineedtofeelyourpoutylipsagainstmine.Ihaven’tbeenabletothinkofanythingelsesinceyouarrived.
Please,baby,letmekissyou.Letmemakeyoumine."Withthatlastcommenthishandsareinmyhair,
tuggingmyheadbackgently,andhislipsareonmine.

I'vekissedacoupleofboysbefore,buttheywerenothinglikethis.Notever.ThewayKaysoniskissing
meiseverything.He'sgentleyetcommanding,he'scarefulyeteager,andhe’stakinghistimeyet

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devouringmeallatonce.Hissoft,fulllipsaresearingmefromtheinsideout,andIneverwantittoend.
I'dbecontentjusttobreathethesameairashimforaslongashe'dletme.

Asthekissslowshegivesmeonelastpeck,lickshislips,thenplaceshisforeheadgentlytomine.

"I'msorry,baby.ThatgotmorecarriedawaythenIplanned,"heraspsout."Butoncemylipstouched
yoursIwassofuckinglost."

Idon'tknowwhyI'mblushingafterallthetimewe'vespenttogetherandafterthatheatedkiss.ButI'm
blushingallthesameathishonesty,soittakesmeaminutetoreply.

"Youneverhavetoapologizeforkissingmelikethat,”Iwhisperbreathlessly.

Heflashesmeanothersmirk,hislonedimpleappearing,andIcan’thelpbutsighoutloud.Imustseem
likesuchafool,butIdon’tcare.Hesweptmeupandoffmyfeetquickly,immersingmeinallthingshim.
Laughing,learning,living,andbreathingeachother.Rumorshavebeenflyingatschoolbecauseofthe
attentionhe’sbeengivingme,butwe’vejustbeenfriends.Foralltheattentionhegavemehenevermade
themoveIsodesperatelywantedhimtomake.WebuiltafriendshipwhileIwasfallinginlovewithhim.
Ihadhopedhefeltthesamewayaboutme,butIwasn’tsosure.

Untiltonight.

Hepecksmeonemoretimewhileslidinghishandsfrommyhairdownbetweenmybackandhistruckto
restrightabovemybottom.“Thismeansyou’reminenow,right?Pleasetellmeitdoes.Fuck,Isoundlike
adamnpussy,butIdon’tgiveafuck.I’vewantedyousinceIlaideyesonyousoyouhavetoputmeout
ofmymiseryandtellmethatyou’remine…”Hetrailsoffatmycontainedlaughter.

He’sramblinganditisthecutestthingIthinkI’veeverseen.Besidesthatdimple.“Soyouramblewhen
you’renervous,huh?”Ifinallygiggleoutloudashenarrowshiseyesatme.

“Imayberambling,butIamnotnervous.Iwantyoutobemine,Ember.”

Asmilesplitsmyfaceathisdeclarationofhimwantingmetobehis.Heshakeshisheadslightlyasthat
beautifulsmirkcrosseshisfaceandthenhislipsarebackonmine.Ibreathehiminandknowthisboyis
goingtochangemylife.ThischangeinourrelationshipisexcitingandIcan'twaittoseewherethistakes
us.

Withonefinalswipeofhistongueagainstmine,hepullsbacktokissthecornerofmymouthbefore
openingthepassengersidedoorformetojumpintohistruck.Hehelpsmeup,kissesmylipsthenmy
cheek,andthenshutsthedoorasIbucklein.

Kaysonhopsintothedriver’ssideandstartshistruckbeforepullingoutoftheparkingspottodriveme
home.Theentireten-minutedrivehehashisrighthandplacedonmybarethighexceptforwhenhe
graspedmylefthandinhisandbroughtittohismouthtoplaceakissonmyknuckles.

Myheartmelts.

Whenhepullsintothedrivewayatmyhouse,IcanseethelightoninthelivingroomwhereMommamust

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bewaitingforme.

Isighadeepbreath,notwantingthisnighttoend.Kaysonsurprisesmeagainwhenheunbucklesmy
seatbeltandtugsmeacrossthebenchseatofhisbeat-up,oldpickuptruck.ThenbeforeIcanutterone
word,hislipsdropdowntomineforadeep,slowkiss.

“Idon’twanttoletyougoyet.”Hebreathesagainstmylipsashepullsaway,justenoughtolookintomy
eyes.

“Idon’twanttogo,”Ireplyquietly.Myheartactuallyachesathavingthisnightend.

“AsmuchasI’dlovetokeepyouinthistrucktosteamupthesewindowsIneedtogetyoutoyourdoor
beforeIdosomethingyou’renotreadyfor.”HegroansasIpressmyselfclosertohim.Mybodyreacting
beforemybraincanprocesswhatI’mdoing.

Pullingawaycompletely,Kaysonplacesakisstomyforehead,whichcausesmyeyestoslideclosed.All
ofasuddenthewarmthofhisbodydisappears,andIhearhistruckdooropenandhisbootshitthegravel
ofmydriveway.

“Comeon,baby,letmewalkyoutoyourdoor.”Hesmirksatthelookonmyface.I’mpoutingandIknow
it.

Iplacemyhandinhisashehelpsmedown,thenwewalkhandinhandtomyfrontdoorwhereKayson
spinsmetofacehimandembracesmeinhisarms.Goosebumpseruptacrossmyskinasheleansdown
andplacesakisstomybareshoulderbeforewhisperinginmyear.“I’llcallyoutomorrow,baby.Sweet
dreams.”

Hedropsanotherkisstomyshoulderthenplacesagentlepeckagainstmylipsbeforepullingawayand
walkingdowntohistruck.WhenhestartsitupIwalkthroughthedoortoseeMommasittingrightwhereI
knewshe’dbe.Reading.

“Haveagoodnight,babygirl?”sheasksthroughasmallsmile.Likesheknowswhathappenedtonight.

“Uhyeah,Momma,Idid.ButI’mreallytiredfromallthedancingSamandTraceyhadmedoing,soI’m
goingtogotobed.”

AsIstartdownthehallwayandmakeittomyroom,Ihearhersnickertoherselfbeforesheyells,
“Okay…goodnight,honey.”

IheaveadeepsighwhenIentermyroomthat’slitupbythemoonlightenteringthroughmypartially
drawncurtain.

Leaningagainstmyclosedbedroomdoor,Ifeelmyclutchvibratewithatextmessage.WhenIpullitoutI
seeagrouptextfromSamandTracey.

Sam:Eeeeeek,youlittleminx!Isawthatkiss!Yougo,girl!Doeshekissaswellasheplaysfootball?
Likeafuckingchamp?

Tracey:Sam,toneitdownanotch,wouldya?Ember,OMG,OMG,OMG!EEEEEK!

Ican’thelpbutgiggleattheiranticsasIliftahandtomymouthtoskimmyfingersacrossmylipsat

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rememberingwhatitfeltliketofeelKayson’sfulllipsagainstmine.Tofeelhiswarmbreathbreathing
lifeintome.Tohavehissweettasteonmytongue.Andohgoodnesswhenhecalledme‘baby’Iabout
meltedintoapuddlerightthere.IhaveneverfeltsocherishedandwantedinallmylifemorethanIdidin
thatmoment.

Steppingoutofmydressandslidingintoatankandsleepshorts,Ireplaythenightinmyheadoverand
overagain.TonightwillbeoneIwillneverforget.Kaysontotallysurprisedmebyfinallymakingamove
andhecompletelystolethelastpiecesofmyheart.

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CHAPTEREIGHT

-NOVEMBER-

KAYSON

ItstartedattheoccasionalpartywhileIwastryingtowinmygirl.IfiguredIwouldstopwhenIwas
ready,butitneverseemedtobetherighttime.AndwhenIfinallygotthegirlitdidn’tstopme.

WhenIwasprescribedthepillsafterinjuringmyhand,Idebatedeventakingthem;hesitatedbecauseI
wasafraidthedouchebaggenesofmyfatherranthroughmyblood.Thattheaddictinhimwasliving
insideofme.ButIneededthosepillstogetthroughpracticeandgames.

Somyfirstturnedintomany.

IguessIshouldhavelistenedtomygutinstinctthough.Becausethepillsturnedintomorepartyinglateat
nightafterIleftEmber'splace.Thenthepotandboozeturnedtopoppingthosepillsatrandomtimes.To
flushawaythedarknessthatcloudedmyhead.Todrownoutthebullshitfromhomeandthestressesof
schoolandfootballandinsteadclouditwitheuphoria.Thenthepillsturnedtocoketobringmebackup.
It'sbeenaviciouscycleandIcan'tstopit.Idon'tknowhowandIdon'tknowifIwantto.

Emberdoesn'tknowaboutthepartiesorthedrugs.Idoknowshecantellsomething'supwithmethough.I
knowshecan.Shedoesn’tknowwhatbecauseIkeeptellingherI’mjuststressed.Thatmymoodswings
andhottertemperarebecauseofthestressofsenioryearandshitathome.IfsheknewthetruthIknow
she’dwalkout.

Idoknowforsureshecan'tknow.Shecan’teverfindout.Ican'ttaintherwiththis.Icancontrolit.I
knowIcan.IwillcontrolitbecauseIcan'tloseherafterjustgettingher.ThatissomethingIwillnotlet
happen.BesidesDamon,EmberistheonlyotherpersonIhaveinmylifethatIgiveadamnabout.Ineed
her.

I’mafraidI’mgoingtofuckthisupbeforeitreallygetsstartedthough,becauseofmybehavior.Fuck,last
weekIalmosttookoffDamon'sheadwhenhewenttohugEmberhelloatlunch.Everyonelookedatme
likeI'dlostmydamnmind.AndIdidthereforaminute.ButItookadeepbreathandtossedonasmileto
reassurethemallIwasokay.ThatIwasjustmessingaround.Igotskepticallooksbuttheyallmovedon.
Ember'suneaselingeredabitlongerbutIkisseditrightoffherface.Notgivingafuckwhowasaroundto
seemeclaimmygirl’slips.Ibroughtherbacktome,justme.

Thenproceededtolietoher.

ItoldherIwasgoingtousethebathroombeforefifthperiodstarted.Ididgotothebathroom.Butitwas
topopanotherpillinthestalltohelpeasethetwistinginmygut.

Yeah,drugsonschoolpropertyisnotagoodidea,butIneededsomething.Ineededtotaketheedgeoff.It
waswhatIneededtobeabletomakeitthroughtherestoftheday.

ButlikeeveryothertimeIsuccumbtotheescape,guiltbeginstowashoverme.Aftereverypill,every
line,andeverydrinkIfeelsoguilty,sowrong.ButIcan’tstop,andIdon’tknowhowto.I'mdrowning

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andfuckifIknowhowtostopit.IknowEmberismylifeline,mylifejacketinthisseaofdespair.Even
thoughhavingherdoesn’tstopmefromusing,shebringslightintomybleaklifeandremindsmethatI
havesomethingtolose.

That’swhywhenIseedouchebagslikeJimmyfuckingSandersstaringmoreatmygirl’srackthanather
facewhenshe’stalkingtohim,Ilosemyshit.

EMBER


Sincethehomecomingdance,whereKaysonclaimedmeashis,we'vebeenprettyinseparable.From
hangingoutafterschool,tospendingweekendstogether,totalkingonthephoneintoallhoursofthenight
whenwe'reapart.It'slikewecan'tgetenoughofeachother.IknowIcan'tgetenoughofhim.

Andwhenwearetogether,ifwearen'tlaughing,Kaysoncan'tkeephislipsoffofmine.NotthatI'many
better.Thewayhekissesme,it'slikehe'scherishingmewithhislips.Breathingmoreloveintomewith
eachbreathhestealswitheachkiss.

Thepastmonthorsohasbeenamazing.Learningeachother.Exploringeachother.Fallingforeachother.
Eachdayisbetterthanthenext.Ourtransitionfromfriendstomorewaseffortless.

Somethingisoffthough,andIcan’tquiteputmyfingeronwhatitisexactly.NotthatI’veknownKayson
muchlongerthanwe’vebeentogether,buthedoesn’tseemascarefreeanymore.He’smoreonedge,more
hostile,andattimesabitirrational.I’veaskedonmorethanoneoccasionifhewasallrightandeach
timeheassuresmehe’sokay.Juststressedwithhissenioryearandstuffathome.Nowthatfootballis
overwehavemoretimewitheachother,andIthoughtmostofhisstresseswouldgoaway.

Apparently,Iwaswrong.

Becausewearecurrentlyengagedinaheatedbattle,ourfirstrealfight,atmyhouseafterschool,all
becauseJimmySandersandIwerediscussingaHistoryprojectinthehallwayafterclassandKayson
happenedtosee.

“Idon’tunderstandwhat’sgoingon,Kayson.Weweretalkingaboutourclassproject.Nothingmore.”I’m
barelyspeakingaboveawhisperbecausehe’syellingenoughforthebothofus.

Hetakesacoupleofdeepbreaths,likehe’stryingtocalmhimselfdown.Itdoesn’tseemtoworkthough.

“Wereyouorwereyounotflirtingwiththedouchebag,Ember?Prettysimple,ayesornoanswerwill
do.”Hegrindshisjawbackandforth,sniffingafewtimes,whilehewaitsformyanswer.

“Iwasn’tflirtingwithanyone.Wewerediscussingtheproject,likeItoldyouthefirsttentimes.Ireally
don’tknowwherethisiscomingfrom.”Ishiftmyeyesawayfromhimsohecan’tseethetearsbuilding.
“Ineedyoutogo.Please,”Iwhispermypleaforhimtoleave.

Hisfacedrops,colordrainsfromhisface,andinsteadofwalkingtowardmybedroomdoorlikeIasked,
he’smovingtowardme.

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“What?No,youdon’tmeanthat.Ijust,I’msorry,Isawthatdouchebaglookingatyoulikehewantedyou
andIlostit.”

“Kayson,justgo.We’lltalkaboutthistomorrowwhenyou’vehadachancetocalmdown.”Thetearsare
abouttofall,andIreallyneedhimtogosohedoesn’tseethem.

HelookspanickedandatalossforwordsuntilheblurtsoutwhatI’vebeenwantingtotellhimsinceday
one.

"Iloveyou,okay?"

Ilookupathim,stunned."Wha-what?"Istutter.

"IsaidIfuckingloveyou.That’swhyI’mactinglikeagiantasshole.That’swhyIwanttoripJimmy
fuckingSandersfromlimbtolimb.”Moredeepbreaths,morejawgrinding,moresniffing.“It’sbecauseI
fuckingloveyou.Butnotthatbullshityoungpuppylove.LikeIloveyouloveyou.Needyou.Wantyou.
Craveyou.Ifeelitfrommyfuckingsoul,fromdeepinmyheart."

IknowImustlooklikeafishoutofwaterwithmymouthopeningandclosingrepeatedly,butIamso
shockedbywhathe’sjustsaidandtheshiftinhismoodthatIdon’tevenknowwhattosay.

“Iknowthisprobablyseemsrushedorimpossibletoyou.Youmaynotevenlovemeback,butIdon’t
giveafuck,Ember.Becauseit’strue.Iloveyou.”He'sbreathingheavilyagain.Takingindeep,
shudderingbreathstocalmhimselfdownwhileI'mfallingapart."Ifuckingloveyou,baby,"hewhispers.


IblinkandthetearsIwasholdingbackrushdownmyface.WhenIopenthemagainhe'swalkingupto
me,flippinghisballcapbackward,slidinghishandsintomyhair,andkissingme.

KissingmelikeI'mit.I'mhisendgame,hisforever.

AndjustlikethatI'mlostinhim.Iforgetaboutthefight,hisjealousy,therage.Iforgetandjustgetlost.
Lostinhiskiss,hisembrace,andhiswanderinghandsthatclutchmybottom.I'mlostinhispassionand
needandwant.Butmostofall,I'mlostinthelovethisboyhasforme.

Whenhebreaksaway,allowingusbothtobreatheintheairweneed,I’mfinallyabletoreply.“Ilove
you,too.IthinkI’velovedyousincethatfirstdayyousmirkedatme,Kayson.It’slikeoursoulsknew
eachotheralready.Liketheyaretetheredandourheartsarethehalfoftheothers.”

****


“Sotelluswhathappened.”Traceylooksatmewithhereyeswideandinquisitive.Samsitsbesideher,
smirkingwithaknowinglookonherface.Thatgirlalwaysseemstoknoweverything.

“Stoplookingatmylikethat,SamanthaShae.”

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“What?”Againwiththatinnocentlook,likesheisfoolinganyone.

Yeah,right.

“Iknowwhatyou’reabouttotellus,that’sall.”

“Ohyeah,andwhat’sthat?”Iaskher.

“You’reabouttotellusthatbecauseoflastnightyou’rereadytodothedeedandlosethatVcardofyours
tomorrownightonyourdate.”Hersmirkturnsintoafull-blownsmileasIblushdeepredandTracey
gasps.“AmIright?”

IreleasethebreathIdidn’tknowIwasholdinganddropmyheadindefeat.“Yes,you’reright,”I
mumble.

“Whatwasthat?”Traceyasks,asSamstartsbouncingonmybedwhereshesits,gigglingtoherself.

“Isaid…yes,you’reright.”Theybothsqueal.

“Okay,seriously,telluseverything.”Samcan’tholdbackherexcitement.

“Ohgosh,Idon’tknowwhathappened.Itwasadamnwhirlwindthat’sforsure.Ifyoucouldhaveseen
himyouwouldhavewantedtopunchhim.Isureasheckwantedto.HewassoangryaboutJimmytalking
tome,evenafterIexplaineditwasforaschoolproject.Buthekeptgoingonaboutitandwhenhe
wouldn’tstopIkeptgettingmoreupset,soIaskedhimtoleave.”

“He’sluckyweweren’there!”Samisfuming.Igiveherasmallsmile.

“AssoonasIaskedhimtoleavethough,itwaslikeaswitchwasflippedandhewasonme.Apologizing
andprofessinghisloveforme.”Tracey’seyesfillupwithtearsasSam’sstillholdsomeanger,butshe
finallygivesinandsmilesadopeysmile.ProbablymatchingtheoneImustbewearing.

“OncethosethreewordslefthislipsIwaslostinhim.Thenwhenhekissedme,likehecouldn’tbreathe
withoutme,IdecidedIneverwantedtobefound.”

“Wow,”Traceysayswithaweinhervoice.

“You’resuretomorrowisthedaythough?”Samlooksabitworried,butexcitedformeatthesametime.

Ishrugmyshouldersatherquestionanddropmyheadtostareatmyhandsinmylap.ThenwhenI
rememberlastnight,whatKaysonadmittedandthatkiss,IknowwithoutadoubtthatIwanttogivemyself
completelytohim.Itmaybetoosoon,itmayseemirrational,butIknowinmyheartofheartsthatI’m
ready.

“AmIfooltowanttoalready?Imean,we’veonlyknowneachotheracoupleofmonthsandbeendating
forone,”Iaskquietly,whileadmittingmyworries.

“Onlyyouwillknowifthetimeisright,Em.Tosomeitmaybetoosoon.Butfuckthem;it’salluptoyou.

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Youhaveoursupportnomatterwhat.”IcanalwayscountonSam.Whenshesaid‘besties’,shemeantit.
“Justmakesureyougiveusallthejuicydetailsafterward.”Shewaggleshereyebrows,makingusall
laughandeasingsomeofmyworries.

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CHAPTERNINE

EMBER

Kayson'slipsslambackdownonmineashekickshisbedroomdoorshutbehindus.Hislipsandhands
haven'tleftmeoncesincewewalkedthroughthedoorofhisemptytownhouse.Heassuredmehismother
wouldbegoneallweekend.Doingwhat,Idon'tknow.ButIdon'tcareanyway—Ican't—becauseitgives
usthistimealone.Itallowsusthetimeweneedtofinallybetogetherlikewe'vebothbeencraving.

WhenKaysonpickedmeuptonighthedroveustothebeach,whereweparkedthenwalkedthemoonlit
sandunderthestarsforacoupleofhours.ItwasalittlechillybeingalateNovembernight,butitwas
perfect.KaysonkeptanarmaroundmyshoulderasIwrappedonearoundhiswaistandcurledintohis
side.Tryingtowardoffthechill.

Attimeswe'dstoptotakeinthesmoothsurfaceoftheAtlantic,brokenupbytheripplesofthewaves.Or
lookupatthebrightmoonandtwinklingstarsdottingthedeepnightsky.Usuallythough,we'dstopwhen
Kaysonwoulddrophisarmtomywaistandspinmetowardhischestthenleandowntoplacehiscool
lipstomine.Andwe'dstandthereineachother'sarms,beneaththemoonandthestars,justkissingand
kissingandkissinguntilwe'dbothneedtocomeupforair.

Thatwasourentirenightuntilwebothcouldn'ttakeitanymore.Theanticipationofwhatwebothwanted
andknewwascomingcausingustocutourdateshort.

Andnowwe'rehereinhisbedroom.Hishandsonmybutt,myhandsinhishair,asthebackofmyknees
touchtheedgeofhisfull-sizedbedandhelaysmedownbeneathhim.

Mybackhitsthesheetsandhebraceshisfistsoneithersideofmyhead.Hisfeetstillplantedonthefloor.
Hiseyesintentonmine.Ourheavybreathingfillingthequietofthesmallspacearoundus.

"Youaresobeautiful,baby,"Kaysonpantsthroughhisrapidbreaths.AndIbelievehim.RightnowI
believehimbecauseofthewayhe'slookingatme,thereisnowayIcouldn't.

"Youmakemefeelbeautiful,"Ireplyasheclimbsoverme.Settlinghimselfbetweenmyopenlegs.

Isighintoadeepkisswhenhislipsclaimmine.Wrappingmyarmsaroundhisneck.Myhandsthreading
backthroughhishair.Hishandsroamingfrommychesttomywaistwheretheyslipbelowmysweater.
Skinonskin.

Hepullsbacktoallowusbothtopullinalungfulofair.Ournosesalmosttouching.Hiseyesstaringright
intomine.

LookingintohisfiercegrayeyesIseethesamelovereflectingbackatmeandIknow,IknowI'mmaking
therightchoice.

KAYSON

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Shelooksnervous,fistingthesheetsbelowher,asshewatchesmestripmyclothesoff.Iknowthisisbig
forus,andsosoon,butwe'vedonethingsbefore.I'vedevouredeveryinchofherbodywithmymouth
andtonguesincewestarteddatinglastmonth,andherthesamewithme.Hell,wedidthatjustnowbefore
shedecidedtonightwasthenight.RightbeforeIstrippedhernakedshetoldmeit’sallshehasthought
aboutsinceItoldherIlovedhertheotherday.Sohernervescan'tbeaboutbeinglaidoutnakedonmy
bed.It'sbecauseI'mabouttoownherineveryway.I'mhopingtomakethisasgoodforherasIcanand
lastwhiledoingit.

AsmyT-shirtclearsmyheadItosshermysmirksheclaimsmeltsheronthespot,tohelpeaseher
worries.HerfulltitsbouncefromasmallgiggleandIforgetwhatI'mdoingforaminute.

Ishakemyheadslightlytoclearitandgetbacktothetaskathand.Gettingnaked.AsIunsnapthebutton
onmyjeansIscanbacktoherfaceandseeherthumbraisedtoherlips.Whiteteethpeekingoutasshe
chewsonhernail,confirmingsheisnervous.

Ihurrywiththerestofmyclothestogettoherassoonaspossible.Tohelpeaseherworries.AsItossthe
lastofmyclothestothesideIgrabthecondomandslideiton.ShewatcheseverymoveImake,never
takinghereyesoffofme.OnceIhavethecondomonIcrawlupherdeliciousbodyandsettleaboveher.
Myelbowsrestingoneithersideofherbeautifulface.

"Areyousure?"IbreatheagainstherlipswhilethankingthegoodLordabovethatI'llbetheonlyone
seeingandfeelingherlikethis.Shakingfromtheanticipationoffeelingherwrappedaroundme.HopingI
cantakeitslowforher.Prayingshegivesthego-ahead,butknowingI'llstopifshewantsmeto.I'ddo
anythingforher.Liveordie.Evenaftersuchashorttimetogethershe’sconsumedme.She’smyair,my
heart,andsoul.

I'dgiveanythingtobegivinghermyfirsttime,too.IwishIhadwaited.ThatIknewshewascomingto
mesoIcouldexperiencethisallwithherforthefirsttime.Likesheiswithme.ButIdidn't,andI'llspend
mytimeprovingtoherthatshe'stheonlyonethatmatters,hasevermattered,andwillevermatter.She's
everything.

Noddingfrantically,shebreathesa"yes"backagainstmylipsandI'mlostinher.Thisbeautifulgirlwho's
surrenderingherself,bodyandsoul,toabrokenguylikeme.

Slidinginslowly,Iaboutblowmyloadrightthen.FuckingChristisshetight.

"Areyouokay,baby?I'mgoingasslowasIcan,butIneedtomakesureyou'reokay."Ipleadwithher,
holdingherheadbetweenmylargehands.

"I'mfine,Kayson,"sherepliesonagaspofpain,nothingclosetopleasure.Istophalfwayandswearto
allthatisholyifhertightpussycontractsaroundmydickagainthiswillbeoverbeforeitevenstarts.

"Ember—"

BeforeIcanfinishshe'scuttingin,interruptingme."I’mfine,Kayson,"shereplies,stressingeachword
whiletensingupandsqueezingmydickeventighter."Iknewyouwerebig,butitfeelssomuchbiggerthis
way.Withyouinsideofme.I'msofullandthepressureisunreal.ButI'mokay.Justpleasekeepmoving,"
shesays,eyespleading,beggingforthisconnection.We'veonlybeentogetherforalittleoveramonth,

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butshepromisedmeshewasready.Thatshewantedthis,tosolidifythelovewehaveforeachother.

WhenshestartstorelaxIkissherforehead,placeminetohers,andstarttodoasshesays.Igrabholdof
herhands,liftthemaboveherhead,thenIpushthroughtothehiltonagroan.

IfreezewhenIfeelthetearstrackingdownherfaceagainstmine.Ineverwantedtohurther,butknewI
would.Itwasinevitablewithtakinghervirginity.Makinghermine.Butfuckitdoesn'thurtanyless,
especiallyknowinghersilenttearsarefalling.Iquicklycradleherheadagaintobringherweteyesto
mine."Shh,baby.Iknow,Iknow.Fuck,I'msorry."

"No,Kayson,I'mokay.Imean,ithurts,butit'smoreuncomfortablethananything.Mytearsareonesof
happiness,babe,"shechokesoutonasmallsobwhileasmilelightsupherbeautifulface."Don'tyoufeel
it?Thisconnectionweshare.Thisepic,real,andall-consumingfeeling."

Asmallsmilepullsatmylips.She'ssofuckingcute.Andbeautifulandsexyandallfuckingmine."Yeah,
baby,Ifeelitalright.CanImovenowthough?"Iaskwhileshiftingmyhipsslightly.

Shegigglesandit'smusictomyears.Refreshingandlightandperfect.Justlikeher."Yeah,sorry.Giveit
tome,"shesays,gettingallcheekywithmewhilewipingtherestofhertearsfromherface.

Fuckingadorable.

Istarttomoveasshewrapsherarmsaroundmyneck,threadingherhandsthroughthelongerstrandsof
myhair.Ipulloutslowly,almosttothetip,andthengentlybringmyselfbackintoheaven.

EMBER


He'slookingatmelikeI'mallhesees.LikeI'mallthatexistsinthisworld.He'slookingatmelikeI'm
everythingwhilehemovesslowlyandgentlyintome.Solidifyingourlove,ourconnection,ourhappily
everafter.AndIknowhemustseethesamethinginmyeyes.Iamutterlyandcompletelyconsumedby
him,soitshouldn'tbeasurprise.

IknowImaybetooyoung,andthismaybetoosoon,especiallysincewe’vealreadybeenhaving
problems.ButIcouldn'twait,notanotherday,becausethisboyisquicklybecomingthemanofmy
dreams.

Hekeepseyecontactwithmeashissteadypacebeginstopickup.Asadeliciousfeelingstartstopull
lowinmybelly,Kaysongrabsmyhandsfromaroundhisneckandliftsthemabovemyheadagain.Our
handsclaspedtogether,oureyeslocked,ourheartsbeatingasone.I'veneverfeltmoreconnectedtoany
othersoulthanIdorightnow,withtheloveofmylifeinsideofme.

WhenIstarttoclencharoundhimhegroansandletsgoofmyhands.Hiseyesslidingclosedbriefly
beforecomingbacktomine.Alwaysbacktomine.Heleansbackandbringshishandstomyhipstotilt
themslightly.Makinghimgodeeper.

"Iloveyou,"hewhispersashisthrustsbecomeharder.Hiseyesstillneverleavingmine.

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"Iloveyou,too,"Iwhisperbackjustasquietly.Baskinginthelovewe'vecreatedinourownlittle
bubble.Liketherestoftheworlddoesn'tevenexist.

Mythoughtsarecutoffwhenahandleavesmyhipandhisfingerstartsrollingmyclit.Withinseconds,
brightlightsareexplodingfrombehindmyclosedeyelidsIdidn'tevenrealizewereclosed.I'mtryingto
holdinmyscreamsofpureecstasy,butKaysonwantsnoneofthat.

"Don'tholdback,baby.Letmehearit.Nooneelsecan.Bringmeovertheedgewithyou."

Lettinggocompletely,Icallouthisnameandhequicklyfollowswithmineashespillsinsideofme.He
dropsovertopofme,carefulofhisweight,butblanketingmewithhiscomfort.Bringingwithitthesafe
feelingIalwayshaveinhisarms.

I'mstillbreathingheavilyashisstartstoslowandhebringshislipstomine.Leisurelykissingmeand
stealinganybreathIhadleft.Hegivesmeonelastpeckbeforehetenderlypullsoutandrollstohisside,
disposingofthecondomthenbringingmewithhimtorestinthecrookofhisarm.

Ineverknewitcouldbelikethis.Neverevendreamedmyfirsttimewouldbesomagical.ButIshouldn't
havebeensurprisedwithKaysonlovingme.IfIeverhadanysliverofadoubtaboutbeinginlovewith
himbeforethis,nowIknowforcertain.Thisboyhascapturedmyheartcompletely,andIknowIcould
neverlivewithouthim.

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CHAPTERTEN

-DECEMBER-

EMBER


AssoonasIwalkedintoHeavyLiftersIwasreadytoturnaroundandleave.I’mnotaworkingoutkind
ofgirl.WalkingistheextentoftheexerciseIliketodo.ButaccordingtoDamon,Kaysonishere
‘blowingoffsomesteam’soIwantedtocomeandsurprisehim.Ithoughtwecouldgetsometimein
togethertonightsinceit'sbeenacoupleofdayswithschoolandworkforbothofus.Evenifwearejust
workingout.We'vebothbeenabitbusylately.Himmoresowithworkingthroughsenioryearandsome
oftheconstructionworkhe'sabletodointhedecentweatherbeforeitgetstoocold.

Ontopofthatthough,he'sbeenoff.Thegirlshaveheardrumorsthathe’sbeenpartyingalotanddoing
drugs.Ishruggeditoffimmediatelybecausewe'vebeentogethereverynight,besidesthepastweek.Ever
sinceourfirsttimemakinglovelastmonth,we’vebeenpracticallyinseparable.Thingshavebeen
amazing.Untilrecently.Butstill,whentheysuggesteditcouldbedrugsIcan’thelpbutthinktheyare
wrong.He'seitherwithme,withDamon,orhe'shome,soitcan'tbethat.Idon’tknowhowhewould
havetime.Butthereissomethingoff.He'sabitdistantwithme.Alittlecolder,alittleharder,alittle
moreerratic.

Makingmywaypasttheemptyreceptionistdeskandbeyondthedoorstowardtheweights,Istopinmy
tracksandglaredaggersatthemissingreceptionistwhoiscurrentlyrubbingherselfallovermy
boyfriend.Theystandinfrontofthewalllengthmirrorsbythefreeweights.Kaysonisdoingsomebicep
curlswhilethebimbofluttershereyelashesathim,grabbinghisarm,andgiggling.

I'vebeeninthegymacoupleoftimestomeetupwithKaysonwhenhe'sfinishedandthedumbblondeis
alwaystryingtogethisattention.She'satleastafewyearsolderthanhim,butthatdoesn'tdeterher.He
usuallyignoresherthoughorkeepstheirconversationsminimalallthewhileshegivesmetheonce-over,
asifI'mnotgoodenoughforhim.Imaynotbeskinny,butI'mnotfat.Kaysonhasreassuredmemany
timesthathelovesmycurvesandhowIperfectlyoverflowhishands.Soalthoughshemademefeel
inferior,Ineverworriedabouthersnidecommentsorrudelooks,untilnow.WatchingKaysonsmile
downatthebimbohasmystomachchurning.

Maybecomingherewasn'tsuchagoodidea.

Lookinglikeanidiotstandingherepastthedoors,gawkingatmyboyfriend,Idon'tnoticetheguywalkup
tomeuntilhe'stalking.

"Heythere."Ijumpatthenewvoiceandturnslightlytowardhim.TryingtokeepKaysonandBimbo
Barbieinmysights.

"Oh,um,hi.Sorry,wasIinyourway?"I'msoawkwardwhenitcomestotalkingtonewpeople.
EspeciallynewguyswhetherI'minterestedinthemornot.AndI'mdefinitelynotwhenIhaveKayson.
Evenifhe'sflirtingandhasn'tnoticedme.

"Youcouldneverbeinthewaywithanasslikethat,babe."He'sleeringatme,whichmakesmereally
wishIdidn'tcomeinhere.

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Ishiftawayfromhimtoputsomedistancebetweenus.Whendidhegetsoclose?AndnoticeKayson
boundingovertous.Hemusthaveheardmyvoiceatsomepoint.Ormaybeeventhisguy’sremarktome,
bythelookonhisfaceI'dsayitwaswhattheguysaidtome.

Niceofhimtofinallystopandnoticemethough.

"Ember,whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?Whoisthisguy?"Helookspissed.Wellgood,I'mpissed,too.
"Andwhatareyouwearing?"Nowhelooksdownrightlividashetakesinmyworkoutattire.

Ilookdownatmyworkoutshortsandtankasconfusiontakesover."What'swrongwithwhatI'm
wearing?I'mmorecoveredupthananyothergirltraipsingbyyou."

"Lookslikeyou'relookingforattentionandgettingitwiththisfuckercominguptoyou."Hepointstothe
guystillstandingbehindme.Ididn'tnoticehewasstillthere.“Getthefuckoutofhere,douchebag.She’s
mine,ifyouhaven’tnoticed.”

Mymouthdropsopeninshockathistone.Hehasbeenmoreerraticlately.High-strung,anxious,tense.
Morehotheadedthanusual.Buthe'sneverbeenlikethis.He'sneveractedthisway,treatedmelikethis,
ortalkedtomethisway.Withsuchangeranddisgust.Never.NotevenduringtheJimmySandersfiasco.

"Nowtellmewhatthefuckyou'redoinghere."

Idon'tunderstandtheissue.AllIdidwascometoseehimatthegym.He'sstaringatmelikeI'msome
tag-alonggroupieinsteadofhisgirlfriend.Behindtheangerinhisstareissomethingelsethough.Italmost
lookslikeguilt.

Andarehiseyesbloodshot?

"Icametoseeyou,"Ireplysoftly.Notwantingeveryoneinearshottohearwhat'sgoingonortorilehim
upevenmore."Wehaven'tseenmuchofeachotherandDamonsaidyou'dbehere,soIthoughtI'd
surpriseyou."

IknowImustsoundneedyanddesperate,andmaybeIam,butIjustwantedtospendsometimewithhim.
BeforeIcancontinueonhecutsmeoff.

"Surprisemeorcheckuponme?"

"Kayson...whatisgoingon?Andcanyoupleaseloweryourvoice?Peoplearestaring."Ilookaroundat
allthepeopleglancingourwayaswemakeaspectacleofourselves.Orhimofmeanyway.

"What'sgoingonisthatitseemslikemygirlfriendcan'tleavemethefuckaloneanddoesn'ttrustme."He
doesn'tlowerhisvoice."Andcontactingmybestfriendtofindmywhereabouts?Areyoufuckingkidding
me?"HecarriesonbeforeIcanevenreply."HowpatheticisitthatIcan'tevenhaveafewhoursto
myselfwithoutyouhuntingmedown?"

IscanthegymbehindhimagainandfindBimboBarbiesmirkingoveratme.Ireddenwithembarrassment
—IknowIdo.Butnotbecauseshe'swatching,alongwiththeentiregym,no,it'sbecauseoftheway

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Kaysonisberatinganddemeaningmeinfrontofallthesestrangers.

"I'msorry,Ididn'tthinkyou'dmindmeaskingDamon,thensurprisingyouheresowecouldspendalittle
timetogether.Wehaven'tseeneachotheroutsideofschoolforafewdays."Itakeadeepbreath,tryingto
calmdown."Unlessyouhavesomethingtohide?"

Heignoresmyquestion."Apparently,youdidn'tthink,becauseifyoudidyouwouldhaverealizedthat
maybeIdidn'twanttofuckingseeyou."

Thewholetimehe'syellingatmeheneveroncetakeshiseyesoffofme.Staringatthetearsbuildingin
myeyeswithdisdainandannoyance.Whoisherightnow?Ididn’tevendoanythingwrong.Howdarehe
speaktomethisway.

Embarrassedandhumiliatedbeyondbelief,Iturnandrunoutthefrontdoorsintothepouringrainthat
musthavestartedwhenIwasinside.ItwasovercastandmildwhenIgothere,soIleftmysweatshirt
insidethecar.NowI'mjoggingthroughtheparkinglotinmygymclothes,soakingwetandfreezingcold.

JustasI'mfumblingwithgettingthecarkeysoutofmypocket,I’mspunaround.Igaspinshockandlook
intothegrayeyesofKayson.Hiseyesclearerthantheywereinsidethegymonlymomentsago.OnceI
recoverfromtheshockIpushhimaway.Tryingtogetspacebetweenus.

HetakesasteptowardmetoeatupthedistanceIcreatedwhenIshovedhim."Ember…"

MynameonhislipshasthetearsandsobsIwasholdingbackbreakfree.Idon'teventrytohidethem
fromhim.Thepouringrainmixeswiththetearsracingdownmyfaceanddrownsoutthesobsrackingmy
body.Soakingthroughmygymshortsandtanktop.

“Idon’tknowwhyyouaredoingthis,”Istammerout.Shakingandsobbingandtrembling.Thetearswon’t
stopandhe’slookingatmelikehedoesn’tunderstandwhat'shappening.“It’snotmyfaulthelookedatme
andspoketome,Kayson.Iwasjuststandingtherewatchingyouflirtwiththatdumbblonde."Anger
mixesinwiththehurtwhenIremindmyselfofwhatIwalkedinon.

"Iwasn'tflirtingwithher."

"Don'tyoudaretrytoactallinnocentinthis,Kayson!"I'mshoutingastheraincontinuestopouroverus.
Drenchingusboth."IknowwhatIsaw,andIsawherrubbingherselfalloveryouandyoueatingitup
likesomedamnfool!"

"JesusChrist,areyoulisteningtoyourselfrightnow?Iwasn'tfuckingflirtingwithher.Shecameonto
me.Paranoidmuch?"

"No,areyoulisteningtoyourself?Shemayhavecomeontoyou,butyoudidn'tpushheraway!"Notonce
didhepushherawayordissuadeheractionsforthefiveminutesIstoodthere.God,Iampathetic.

"Howthehelldidthisevengetturnedtomewhenyouaretheonefuckingstalkingme?"Hejabshisthumb
intohischest.

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"St-stalkingyou?"Iliterallyamforcedastepbackbyhisallegation."Isimplycametosurpriseyousowe
couldspendtimetogether,Kayson.Youhaven'tansweredyourphone,calls,ortextsfrommeintwo
days."I'mfumingmadandhystericallycrying.Notagoodcombination."AndIdidn'tdoanythingwrong!"
Ishoutathim."Thatguysaidtwothingstomebeforeyoustormedover,embarrassingandberatingmein
frontofeveryone."

"Ididn'taskyoutocomehere,Ember."Heswipesahanddownhisfacetowipeawaytheextrarainwater
hangingfromhislashesandlips."It'snotmyfaultyouwerecheckinguponme."

Ican'teventalktohim.Notwhenheisn'thearinganythingI'msaying.Histotaldisregardforhisactions
hasmeatmyboilingpoint.

"FUCKYOU,KAYSON!"IcantellIshockedhimwithmyoutburstandswearing.Ibarelycuss,buthe's
broughtthatoutinme.Hell,Ishockedmyself.WiththosepartingwordsIturntogetintomycar,but
beforeIcanevengetmydooropentheheatfromhisbodyhitsmyback.Thenhisarmsarearoundme.My
bodydoesn'tunderstandthehurthejustdeliveredtomyheart.Allitfeelsisthesafetyofhisarms
encasingmeandbringingmetighttohisbody.SoIfallbackintohimandlethimtakemypain.IcrylikeI
haven'tcriedinalongtime.Tryingtopurgethedisgustandangerandsorrow.Hemademefeelworthless
andpettyandpathetic.Hiswordsdeliveringblowafterblow.

"Shh,baby.Shh.I'msosorry.Ididn'tmeananyofthat.Iwasjustshockedtoseeyoustandingthere,with
thatfuckersoclosetoyou."Hespinsmeinhisarmsandhasonehandholdingmyheadtohischestand
theotherrubbingsoothingmovementsonmyback.

Icanbarelyhearhimormyselfovertherainandmysobbing.“Iloveyoumorethanyou’lleverknow.But
you’rerippingmyheartout.Idon’tknowifIcandothisanymore.Ican’ttakethisrollercoasterrideof
emotionsyoubringmeon.”

“No,youdon’tmeanthat,Ember.Youdon't.Youcan't."He'spleadingandbeggingwithhiswordsandhis
eyesashebringsmyfaceuptolookathis."Iloveyou,Ember.Iloveyou.We'llbefine.We'llmakeit
right.I'llmakeitright."

KAYSON


Iamamotherfuckingasshole.She’stremblingsohardinmyarmsIcanbarelyholdon.Whatthefuck
wasIthinkinglettingherrunouthereinthecoldrain?Chasingherdownandhavingitoutwithherout
here?

Ohyeah,Iwasn’t.

AllIcouldseewasredwhenIturnedaroundtoseethatmotherfuckertalkingtoher.Thenhesteppedup
closetoherside,lookingatherass.Myass.Andthat’swhenIlostmyshit.

IneverevenheardorsawEmbercomeinthegym.Itprobablydidn’thelpthatTiffani,fromthefrontdesk,
wouldn’tleavemealonesinceIwalkedinthisafternoon.Butfuck,allshewasdoingwasrubbingher
smalltitsagainstme.Idefinitelywasn’tflirting,thoughIdidn’tpushheroffeither.ButwhywouldIneed

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anyonewhenI’vegotEmber.Hassheseenherselflately?OrhasshenotnoticedhowIamabouther?I
guessmyhotthencolddemeanorwouldgivemixedsignals.Butfuck,shehastoknowhowmuchIlove
her.I’vejusthadafewoffdayslately.

Haditreallybeentwodayssincewe’vehungoutthough?

Fuck,itmusthavebeen.Ipartiedhardtheothernight.Poppedacoupleoxyswithafewbeersthendida
lineortwoofblow.Iwasfeelingrightthatnight.Butthenextdayatschoolwasrough.IrememberEmber
checkinginonmeacoupleoftimes,butIkeptblowingheroff.IguessIlosttrackofthedays.Wehaven’t
gonemorethanafewhoursapartsincelastmonthwhenshegavemeallofher.Thebestnightofmy
fuckingexistence.EvenatnightI’mstayinginherroomlongafterhermomgoestosleepeachnightand
stayinguntilaboutthesuncomesup.SneakingoutacoupleofhoursbeforeIseeheragainatschool.So
forustogodayswithoutcontactoutsideofschool…Fuck,Ireallyamanasshole.

“Shh,baby.It’sokay.Deepbreathsforme,Ember.That’sright,baby,goodgirl.”I’mtryingtosootheher,
tocalmherdown.Althoughhercrieshavequieted,she’sstilltrembling.Stillshakingandsnifflinglike
she’stryingtoholditallback.

Fuck!IknowIfucked-up.Keepingherinthedarktheselastcoupleofdays,actinglikeadickandyelling
ather,embarrassingherinfrontofeveryoneatthegym.Iknowthedrugsandboozearegettingtome.
EverydayIfeelthempullingmeunder.Ican’tstop,butI’mafraidIamgoingtobreakherifIdon’t.There
isnomewithouther,soIcan’tletgo.

“You’refreezingcold,baby.Let’sgetbackinsidesoIcangrabmystuffandthengetyouhome.”I’m
rubbingmyhandsupanddownherbacktryingtogetheraswarmandascalmasIcan.“DamonandIwill
comeandgetyourcarandbringitbacktoyourplacelater.”

Shefinallyspeaksup.“N-no,Kayson.Nowa-wayamIeversteppingfootbackinthatgy-gyme-ev-ever
again.”Herteetharechatteringsheissocold.Shamewashesovermewhenherwordssinkin.

Istartwalkingherthefewspotsovertomyunlockedtruckandopenthedoor.Iliftherbyherhipsand
placeherinthepassengersideseat.“Sittighthere,Em.I’mjustgoingtoruninandgrabmyshitfrommy
locker.”

Shewon’tevenmakeeyecontactwithme.Ilightlygripherchinwithmythumbandforefingerandbring
herfacetomine.“Em?”Shelooksupatmehesitantly.“Sittight,okay?”

ShenodsherconsentandIrunbackintothegym,straightintothelockerroom.Idon’twasteanytime,
afraidshe’lltakeoff,andIdon’tstoptoentertainanyofthequestioninglooksandstares.Tiffanitriesto
callmynameasIpassbyintothelockerroom,butIgivehermybest“backthefuckoff”lookandstride
righttomylocker.I’mjitteryandshakyasfuck,myjawhurtsfromclenchingitsotight,butIcan’tfocus
onthatrightnow.Ineedtofocusonmygirl.SoonceIgettomylockerIgrabmyshit,pocketmyphone,
andpracticallyrunbackthroughthegymtogettomygirl.Ihavetofixthis,makethisright.

TherainhassloweddowntoalightmistasIjogbacktomytruckandseeEmber’sprofilestillsittingin
thepassengerside.Thankfuckshestayedput.Iwouldhavelostmyshit,again,ifsheleft.

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Itossmyshitintothebackseatofmybeat-updualcabtruckthenslamthedoortoseeherjump.Shit.I
openmydriver’ssidedoorandgetin,closingthedoormoregentlythistime.Emberdoesn’tevenlook
over.Justsitstheretrembling,teethstillchattering,soIquicklygetthetruckstartedandtheheatblasting.
Irunmyhandthroughmysweaty,rain-drenchedhairthengrabmyballcapfromthecenterconsoleand
putitonbackward.

“Youokaytogohome?”Iasksoftly,notwantingtostartleheragain.Shenodsherhead,againnowords,
andIhuffoutadeepbreath.IshootoffaquicktexttoDamontolethimknowI’llneedhishelpinabit.I
don’tgivehimanydetails,butIseeheacceptsbeforeIputmyphonebackinmypocket.AfterthatIput
thetruckinreverse,backout,thenshiftintodrivetogetustoherplace.

Notawordisspokenbetweenusthroughthefive-minutedrive.Atthelonestopsignbetweenthegymand
herhouseIgrabmysweatshirtfromthebackandtossittohersoshecanputiton.Shegrabsitandlaysit
overherselflikeablanket,butmyheartwarmsnonethelessseeingmyclothesaroundherbody.Ishakemy
headanddrivetherestofthewaystaringstraightaheadandthinkinghowinthehellI’llmakethisright.

OnceIpullintoherdriveway,Iparkthetruckbutkeepitgoingfortheheat.“Baby,pleaselookatme.”

Mygentletonemustmakehergiveinbecauseshelooksovertome.Tearsstillswimminginherdeep
browneyes.“I’msorry.Ireallyam.Iknowit’snoexcuse,butIjustlostitwhenIsawhimnearyou.”

“Iknow.”HervoicesofaintIcanbarelyhearitoverthewarmairblowingthroughthecabofmytruck.
“Butthatdoesn’tmeanitdidn’thurt.Thateachwordwasn’tlikeablowtothechest.Andyoumadeit
aboutmebeingthere,Kayson.Notabouthimbeingnearme.”

Myeyesslideclosedatherwords.Fuck,she’sright.WhenIopenthemagainIseethetearsshewas
holdingback,trackingdownherface.Ipushuptheconsole,unbucklebothourseatbelts,thendragher
overintomylap.Hersoaking-wetclothesstickingtoeachofhercurves.

“You’reright.Iletmyangeratseeinghimnearyoutakeover,andtookitoutonyou.Iwasn’teven
thinking.”AndIwasn’t.

"Idon'tknowwhathasgottenintoyou,Kayson.Butthatwasnotokay.Youcan’ttreatmelikethat.Not
everagain.”Hersentenceendsonasmall,hiccuppedsob.AndIjustcan’ttakeitanymore.

IknowI’manasshole,andthisisn’ttherighttime,buthavingherthisclose,herscentwrappingaround
me,andknowingitwillre-establishourfierceconnection,Icrushmylipstohers.Shegaspsandthat’s
myopening.Islidemytonguegentlyalongherstobringherbacktome,tous,toremindherofwhatwe
have.Afteraminutehercoldbodymeltsintomine,andIknowshe’sjustaslostasIam.

“Iloveyou.”Ikissheragain.“I’msorry.Youneedtoforgiveme,”Iwhisperagainstherlipsbefore
divingbackin.

IwishIcouldspendhoursworshippingherbodythewayshedeserves.IwishIcouldreallyshowher
howmuchIloveher.ButsheneedstogetinsideandintodryclotheswhileIgetDamonsowecangether
car.

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Ipullawayslowly,butslidemyhandsintoherdamp,long,darkhairtokeepherfaceclose.“Baby,you
needtogetinsidetogetdryandwarmwhileIgogetyourcarwithDame.”

Sheleansaway,causingmyhandstodropfromherface,thencrawlsoffofmylap.“Okay.”

“Wannagivemeyourkeys?I’llhaveDametakemytruck,andI’lldriveyourcarbacksoIcancomeback
andwarmyouup.Iwon’tbemorethanfifteenminutes.”

“Allright.”Theseshortanswersarekillingme.Shehandsoverherkeys.

“Youforgiveme,right?”Ileanoverandtouchmywarmlipstoherfull,coolerones.

“Yeah.”Shebreathesout,givingmeatimidsmile.It’sastart.

“Gooninsidethen,baby.GetdryandwarmandI’llbebacksoon.”

“Youpromiseyou’llbebacktonight?”Thehesitancyandsadnessinhereyesstealsmybreathfora
second.Ittakesmeamomenttocomposemyself,knowingIputitthere.

“Yeah,baby.Fifteenminutes.”Ikisshersoftlyagainthenwatchhergetoutandwalktoherfrontdoor.
Shelooksbackonce,lookingforconfirmation,soInodherinsideandshewalksin,closingthedoor
behindher.

Itgutsmejustasmuchasitcalmsmethatsheforgivesmesoquickly.It’sherloveandcompassionthat
savemetimeaftertimewhenIfuckup.It’smysavinggrace,andIamoneluckysonofabitchthatsheis
injustasdeeplyasIam.

OnceIknowshe’ssafelyinsideIslammyfistagainstthesteeringwheel.Thenfistbothshakinghandsto
calmthemdown.Fuck,Ineedsomethingalready.ButIdon’tallowthatfeelingtoconsumeme.Iclosemy
eyesandpicturethetearsracingdownEmber’sface,andlettheangerandguiltconsumemeinstead.

Ibringmyselfdown,talkmyselfoutofpoppinganotherpill,andmakemywaytoDame’shouse.Ishake
offthisfeelingofdisgustandhopetoGodthatIcanfixthisall.ThesoonerIgetDamon,thequickerIget
Ember’scar,andthesoonerI’mbackwithmygirl,remindingherofourloveandwhyIneedher.

WhenIpullintoDamon’sdrivewayIseehe’ssittingonhisfrontsteps,phoneinhand.Hestandswhenhe
seesmyheadlightsandmakeshiswaytomytruckasIshiftintoreversetobackoutoncehe’sinside.

"Sowhathappened?"IglanceovertoDamontoseehisbrowspinchedtight.Agrimlookcrossinghis
face.

"Ifucked-up,man."IbreatheoutonasighasIfacetheroadagain.

FromthecornerofmyeyeIseehimshakehisheadthenlookbackthroughthefrontwindshield.Waiting
formetocontinue.

"Sheshowedupatthegym.IlostmyshitwhenIsawsomeassholetalkingtoher.Shewasupsetbecause

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shethoughtIwasflirtingwiththatTiffanichick.ThenIdon'tknowwhatthefuckhappened.Oneminute
wewereinthegym,thenextminuteshewasrunningoutintothepouringrain,andthenthenextwewere
havingitoutrightthereintheparkinglot."

JustpicturingEmber'sbeautifulfacefullofdoubtformeandforushasmyheartjackhammeringagainst
myribcagefromguiltandshame.

"Iwaspissedshewasthere.Iwaspissedthatfuckerwastalkingtoher,lookingather.Andthenwhenshe
litintomeforflirting,Ilostit.SpoutingbullshitIdidn'tmean."

"Whatthefuckiswithyou,man?WhensheaskedmewhereyouwereIcouldn'tfuckingbelieveshehad
toevenasksinceyou'reusuallysofarupherassshecan'tfuckingbreathewithoutyoubeingthere."

Iscoffatthefucker.ButhecontinuesonlikeIdidn't.

"What?It'sfuckingtrueandyouknowit.You'reinfuckingdeepwithher,bro."

"You'reright.Iam.Sowhat'syourfuckingpoint?"

"Myfuckingpointiswhythehelldidn'tsheknowwheretofindyou,whatthefuckwereyoudoing,and
whatthefuckwereyouthinkingtonight?"

"Iwasn'tfuckingthinking.Okay?Tonightwasjustonehugeclusterfuckofbullshit."

Hescoffs."Clearlyyouweren't,andfromthesoundsofityoufucked-up.Bigtime,dude."

“Youdon’tthinkIfuckingknowthat,asshole?”Mygriptightensaroundthesteeringwheel.

“No,Idon’tthinkyoufuckingknowthat,bro.Notwiththewayyou’vebeenactinglatelyandespecially
notwithwhatyoujusttoldme."

“Yeah,well,regardlessofhowI’vebeenacting,IstillknowIfucked-uptonight.Fuck,man,youshould
haveseenher.”Iscrapeahandthroughmystilldamphair.“ThelookonherfaceisoneIwillnever
forget.”

"Thenwhatthefuckareyougoingtodoaboutit?"

Themilliondollarfuckingquestionrightthere.WhatthefuckamIgoingtodoaboutit?IknowIneedto
makethingsrightwithEmber.IknowIneedtofuckingstopthisbullshitwiththedrinkingandthedrugs
beforeitgetsevenmoreoutofhand.IjustneedtofigureouthowandifIevencan.

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CHAPTERELEVEN

-JANUARY-

EMBER


WhydoIlethimputmethroughthis?WhydoIallowKaysonsomuchcontrolovermyemotions?Why
doIletmyselfworrysomuchwhenit’sobvioushedoesn’tcareatall?

Ikeeprepeatingthesethingsinmyhead,butIknowwhy.It’sbecauseIlovehim.It’sbecauseIneedhim
tobeokay.It’sbecauseIknowhe’sbeendoingdrugsforthepastfewmonths,eventhoughhehasn’ttold
me,andIdon’tknowhowtostopitfromhappening.Idon’tknowwhyittookmesolongtonoticethe
signsandsymptoms.ButwhenithitmeIknewthat’swhathadbeengoingonthesepastfewmonths.

Itrytothinkofanyreasonwhyitwouldbeokayforhimtotreatmethisway.AndIcan’tthinkofany.But
Istayanyway,becauseeventhoughwe’veonlybeentogetherashorttime,Istilllovehimwithallofme.
Myheart,mysoul,mybodyallcallforhimineveryway.Myneedforhimbordersonunhealthy,andI
don’tknowhowtostop.OrifIevenwantto.

Eversinceoneofthemostembarrassingnightsofmylife,whenwefoughtatthegymlastmonth,Kayson
hasbeenhotandcold.Oneminutehe’spresent,affectionate,andthatboyIfellinlovewith.Thenthenext
minutehe’sirrational,angry,anddownrightunpredictable.

Hisdisappearing,withoutgivingmeanycontactfordaysatatime,wentfrombarelyeverhappening,to
happeningeveryweek.It’sneverthesamefewdaysinarow,makingmyuneaseevenheavierbecauseI
neverknowwhentoexpectit.Hegoesfromspendingeveryminutehecanwithme,answeringallofmy
callsandtexts,ortextingandcallingmelikemad.Tonotreplyingatall,toignoringme,togivingmenone
ofhistime.

Justlastweekwespentarainydaytogetheratthemall,thenthemovies,andhadanamazingtime.He
droveusthealmosthourittakestogetintothecityjustsowecouldwalkhand-in-handfromoneendof
themalltotheother.Wedidn'tbuyonething.Justwindow-shoppedaswelaughedandtalkedourway
paststoreafterstore.Wehadlunchandsharedanicecreamcone.Thenwefoundacheesyromantic
comedytosnuggleintoatthebackofthetheaterwherewekissedandtouchedmorethanwatchedthe
scenesplayoutbeforeus.

AtonepointIreallytriedtowatchthemovie,andtogetKaysonto,aswell.Itoldhimtoputhiseyeson
thescreen.Hetoldmehecouldn'ttakehiseyesoffofme.

ThenIcouldn'tdoanythingbutkisshim.

Wespentthewholedaytogether,awayfromhome,untiltheraindriedupanddayturnedintonight.Itwas
perfect.

ThenthenextdayIcouldn'tdoanythingright.FirstIwastextinghimtoomuch.Eventhoughhetoldmeto
contacthimthenextdaysowecoulddosomethingelsewhenhedroppedmeoffandkissedmegoodnight.
HekepttellingmeIwasbeingtooneedy,tooannoying.ThenwhenIstoppedaskingwhenhe'dbeover,he
startedgettingupsetthatIwasn'ttextinghimenough.HetoldmethatImusthavebeentoobusyforhim

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sincehehadn'theardfrommeagain.Thenwhenhefinallycameoverhewasirritable.Hetriedtoplayit
down,triedtoplacateme,butsomethingwasdefinitelyoffandhecouldn't—orwouldn’t—stopsnapping
atme.

Ijustcouldn'twinwithhim.

IknowI’mthepatheticgirlfriend,ignoringallthesignsandwaitingbythephoneforhiscall.ButIcan’t
helpit.Ilovehim.Ifthatmakesmefoolish,thensobeit.ButasmuchasIwanttohelpandhealhim,I
can’t,becauseKaysonneedstowanttostop.Heneedstoputme,toputus,butmoreimportantlyput
himselffirst.Heneedstodothat.Notme.Butthatdoesn’tstopmefromtrying.Fromtryingtokeephim
withmemoretimesthannot.Fromtryingtoshowhimhowpowerfulourloveis,howhealingitcanbe.
I’mproofofthat.Hesavedmefrommyself.IwishIcouldfigureouthowtosavehim.

Islowlyfeelhimstartingtoslipawayanditpetrifiesme.Whenit’sgood,itisperfect.Latenightwalks
onthebeachunderthestars.Kissinguntilourbruisedlipscan’ttakeanymore.Passionatetimesexploring
andlearningeachother'sbodies.Butwhenit’sbadhehasthepotentialtobecomemybiggestregret,andI
neverwanttoregrethim.Never.

I’vebeentryingtocallhimforthreedaysnow.Threedays.Hewasn’tatschoolonFriday,andIcouldn’t
imaginewhy.Damonhadn’theardfromhimandwasjustassurprisedasIwasthathedidn’tmakeitinto
school.

AfterKaysonleftmelateThursdaynight,sneakingthroughmywindowashedoesthosenightshe’swith
me,hesentmehisusualtexttoletmeknowhe’dgottenhomeandhe’dseemeatschooltomorrow.I
founditabitoddthatheleftsosoon,notwaitingfortheearlydawnofthenextmorninglikeheusually
does.ButIfiguredhedidn’twanttoriskgettingcaughtsincewe’vehadacoupleofclosecalls.NowI
knowsomethingmusthavebeenup.Ijusthopethathe’sokay.

ItisnowSundayandallI’vedoneallweekendistextandcallKaysononrepeat.Mommahastriedtoget
metoleavethehousewithher.Shetriedtocoaxmewithdinner,withthemovies,withanythingtogetme
toleave.LiketodayshetriedtogetmetoruntheSundayerrandswithher,butIjustcouldn’t.Whatifhe
callsorsendsatextandIhavenoreception?WhatifhestopsbyandI’mnothere?It’spathetic,Iknow,
butthemoretimethatpasses,themoreworriedIget.SoIstayedhometoday,justlikeIhadyesterdayand
thenightbefore.

Hemaybeadifferentpersonthesedays,buteventhisisextremeforhim.Becauseevenifhegoesa
coupleofdayswithoutcontactingme,heatleastspeakstoDamonsoIknowheisokay.Nowthough,I
havenoclue,andIdon’tknowwhatI’mgoingtodo.

Ieventriedtocallhismom,butshewasnouse,ofcourse.Slurringhergreetingandnotsopleasantly
lettingmeknowthatshehadn’tseenorheardfromherson.Nordidshecarethatshehadn’t.Itrytobeas
politeaspossible,butIjustcouldn’tdealandhunguponherbeforeshecouldfinish.

Sothatleftmewithnothing.Notexts,nocallbacks,nowordfromanyoneelse.Nothingbutmesickwith
worryanduneasethatsomethingterriblehashappenedtohim.

Igetshakenfrommythoughtswhenmycellstartstoring.Myheartgoesintooverdriveinmychest.My

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anxietyflares.

OhGod,pleaseletitbeKayson.

WhenIlookdownatthescreeninmyhandallmyhopesaredashed.

"He-hello."MyvoicecrackssoIclearmythroat.

"Oh,girl.Stillnothing?"IhearthesympathyinTracey'svoiceandmystomachdropsevenmore.

"No,"Ireplybackquietlyasafewtearsfalldownmyface.IsnifflethembackbeforeIletthemgetoutof
hand.

"I'msorry,Em.Ireallyam,butmaybeit'stimetoendthingsandletthisrelationshipgo."

Icanhearhowharditisforhertosaythattome,becausesheknowshowharditwouldbeformetohear
it.AndIknowshe'sright.IknowthisrelationshipisbringingbothKaysonandmedown.Butitstill
doesn'tmakethestingofherwordsburnanyless.

"Tracey,Ijust,Ican't—"

Aknockatthedoorcutsmeoffandmyheartisjackhammeringinmychestalloveragain.Myanxietyand
uneaseisatanall-timehighbecauseIknowthatwhatIwillfindbehindthatdoorisgoingtoripmeapart.

"Tracey,Ihavetogo,"Irushoutthewordsbeforehangingup.Idon'thavetimetofeelbadforhangingup
onher.

IswallowbackharshlyasItimidlywalktothefrontdoor.Iswingitopenandhavetobracethe
doorframesomylegsdon'tgiveoutfromunderme.Onagasp,thetearsthatwerebuildingtumbledown
myface.

LeaningagainstDamon,whohasanarmaroundhisshoulders,isKayson.He’sunkempt,unshaven,and
clearlymessedup.Hereeksofbeerandcigarettes,whitepowderisdustedaroundhisnostrils,andhis
bloodshoteyesholdpupilsthesizeofpinpoints.

OhmyGod.

"I'msorry,Em.HefinallycontactedmetopickhimupfromDecker’splace.”Damonlooksapologetic
andalmostasupsetasIdo.Buthealsolooksdownrightpissed.AlookI’veneverseenonhimbefore.

Decker?Whywouldhebethere?HehatesDeckerEdwards.BeforeIcanreply,Damonresumestalking
asheshiftsaleaningKaysonnexttohim.

“OnceIgothim,thefirstthinghesaidwasthatheneededyou.Itriedtobringhimhometosoberand
cleanhimselfup,buthewasn’thavingit.Hethreatenedtogetinhistruckandcometoyouoncehegot
home.Icouldn’tlethimdrivehimselflikethis.”

DamonlookssoupsetthatItrytoeasehisworries,butwordswon’tcome.Idropthehandfrommymouth
thatIdidn’trealizewasthereandnodmyheadwhileImoveaside.Thepainfrommyheartshatteringin

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mychest,growingharsherbythesecond.Kaysonissooutofithecan’tevenwalkonhisownsoDamon
helpshim.Dragginghimthroughthedoorwayonshuffledfeet.

OhGod,whatamIgoingtodo?

KAYSON


Idon’tevenknowhowIgothere.OneminuteI’msnortingafreshlineofblowandthenthenextI’m
standinginfrontofEmber.Well,leaningismoreaccurate.Ichuckletomyselfasthatthoughtpassesbut
amstoppedimmediatelywhenIhearasobbreakfreefrommygirl.Myeyessnaptohersandtheblurry
visioninfrontofmeisenoughtosobermeabit.

IthinkIsayhelloasItrytostumbleinwiththehelpofDamon.Ahyes,that’showIgothere.Damonand
hisfuckinglecture.ButIcan’tbecertainofwhatIsaidsinceI’mslurringsobadly.Apparently,Ididn’t
soberuptoomuch.

“Kayson,wherehaveyoubeen?”Herchintremblesasshelooksupatme.Tearsrollingdownher
beautifulface.

Ibringmyhanduptograbherstopullherin,butshestepsawayfromme.Whatthefuck?“Whatdoyou
mean,wherehaveIbeen?”Ihadtofocustogetthosewordsoutandmakeanysense.

“Imean,wherehaveyoubeenthelastthreedays?Youweren’tinschoolonFriday.Youhaven’t
respondedtoanyofmytextmessagesorphonecalls.Youhaven’tevenansweredDamonuntilnow
apparently.”Shetakesadeepbreath.“Soyes,wherethefuckhaveyoubeen?”

Threedays?Anddidshejustsayfuck?“Whatdoyoumeanthreedays?Baby,it’sFridaynight.”

“No,dude,it’sfuckingSundaynight.NoonehasseenorheardfromyousinceThursdaynight.”Damon
cutsinwithhissnidetone.

ThatdeepbreathEmberjusttooktotrytocalmdowndoesn’tworkbecauseassoonasDamonfinishes
hisstatementshe’salloutsobbing.Damonletsmegotoleanagainstthenearestwallwhilehegoestomy
girltocomforther.

Oh,Idonotfuckingthinkso.

Thathasmesoberingupevenmore.

“Damon,getthefuckawayfrommygirl.”Theybothturntheirheadstome.Emberwitharedfacefullof
tearsandDamon’sfullofrage.

“Dude,chillthefuckout.You’reluckyyouevenhaveagirlrightnowwiththebullshityou’vebeen
pullingthelastfewmonths.”

Hemayberight,butthatdoesn’tgivethefuckeranyrighttoconsolemygirl.“Touchheragain,andbest

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friendornot,Iwilllayyouthefuckout.Nowstepthefuckawayfromher.Yougotmeheresafely,thank
youveryfuckingmuch.Youcangonow.”

DamongivesEmberonelasthugthathasagrowleruptingfrommychest.

“Kayson,you’vegotsomeseriousfuckingissues.Wakethefuckupbeforeyoulosetheonlygoodthingin
yourlifeorbeforeyoukillyourself.”WiththatpartingcommentheletsgoofEmberandwalksoutthe
doorbutnotbeforeremindinghertocallifsheneedsanything.

Yeah,notlikely,fucker.

“Idon’twantyouhere.”

ThehardyetsoftvoicepullsmefrommythoughtsandbringsmyfacebacktohersfromwatchingDame
walkout.“Excuseme?”

“IsaidIdon’twantyouhere.Iwaitedforthreedaystohearfromyou,toseeyou,soIwouldknowyou
areokay.Butnowthatyou’rehere,Idon’twantyoutobe.”

ShegoestoturnfrommebutIstopher.“Baby,youcan’tmeanthat.IswearIdidn’tknowithadbeen
threedays.Ilosttrackoftime.”

“Losttrackoftime?Howcanyounotknowwhatdayitis?Howcanyounotknowwehaven’tspokenin
threedays?Whatisgoingonwithyou?”Shestopsandactuallylaughs,butmoretoherselfbeforeshe
continues.“Youknowwhat?Nevermind.Iknowwhatisgoingonwithyou.IfIdidn’talreadyknowyou
weredoingdrugsIwouldknownowwithallthatpowderhangingoffyourface.”

Iswipemyarmundermynosetocleanmyselfup.WhenIlookdownIseethereissomepowder
lingering.Whatcouldonlybeknownasshamestartstoinfiltratemyblurry,slushed-upmindandIlook
overtoEmber,ashamed.

“Youarenotthesameguyfromafewmonthsago.Notevenclose.Youareirrational,hotheaded,and
unpredictable.Ican’tcountonyou,you’reclearlylyingtome,andthesedisappearingactskeepgetting
worse.”Thetearsstarttofallevenharder,bringingtearstomyeyes.Watchingherbreak,becauseofme,
hasmyguttwistingandmyheartplummeting.Icanseehershuttingdownrightinfrontofme.

Idon’tknowifthereisanycomingbackfromthisandthathasmesoberingupquickly.Ican’tloseher.I
mayfuckupmorethanIshould.Imayfindsolaceingettinglostwithcokeandoxysandbooze.Butthis
girliseverything.She’sthelightinmydarkness,thegoodinmybad.Ineedher.

“Ember,please.Ineedyou.Ican’tlivethislifewithoutyou.Eversinceyouwalkedintomylifeyou’ve
mademewanttobeabetterman.YoubringmetheonlyhappinessIknow.”Shescoffsthroughasobthat
hasmestopping.

“Ifthatheldanytruththenyouwouldn’tbedoingthis,anyofthis.Thedrugs,thedrinking,the
disappearing.NoneofitwouldhappenifImadeyouwanttobebetter.IfIwereyourhappinessthenyou
wouldn’ttrytofinditattheendofabottleorinwhateverdrugyougetyourselflostin.Can’tyouseethat,
Kayson?Clearly,I’mnotanygoodforyoubecauseI’mnotenoughtomakeyoust-stop.”Hersobbinggets

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louderthendullswhenshebringsherhandstoherface.

HerkneeslookabouttobucklefromhercryingandtremblingsoIwrapmyhandsaroundherwristsand
pullherintomegently.“Ofcourseyou’reenough,baby.You’remorethanthat,you’reeverything.”
DespitehertearsIseethegoosebumpsraiseonherskinfrommywhisperedwordsintoherneck.

HerarmsstaylimpathersideswhileIholdontoherfordearlife.HoldinghertomeastightlyasIcan
withouthurtingher.Pleadingwithmytouch.

“Please,Ember.Please.Iwillgetbetter.Iwilldobetter.I’llgethelp.I’lldoanything;Ijustneedyouto
staywithme.Ican’tloseyou.Irefuseto,baby.I’msorry.IknowIsaythatalotlately,butIam.Iamso,
sosorry.”

Shefinallycavesonasobandwrapsherarmsaroundmywaist.Holdingmebackjustastightasherlittle
armswillholdme.Isagintoherwithreliefandguiltandlove.I’mholdingbackmyowntearsasIfeel
hersdrenchmyT-shirt.Ineedtoholdherinmyarms.Ineedherwrappedaroundme.Ineedthesoothing
calmofhersofttanskinagainstmine.SoIdropanarmfromaroundhertobringitdowntobehindher
knees.Ikeeptheotherbehindherbackandliftherintomyarms.Cradlinghertomychest.I’vespentso
manydaysandnightsherethatIcouldnavigatethefloorplanofEmber’shousewithmyeyesclosed.
ThankChristhermotherisn’thereforthis.Iwouldsurelyhavebeentossedonmyassbynowifshe
were.

WalkingdownthehallandintoEmber’sroom,Ishutthedoorwithmyfootandsitheronthebed.Irid
myselfofmyT-shirtfirstthenbringmyhandstothehemofhers.Withoutawordsheliftsherarms,andI
takemycueandlifthersweateroverherhead.

“Ineedtofeelyouskintoskin,baby.IknowIhavenorighttoaskanythingofyou,butcanyougiveme
this?Giveusthis?”Iholdmybreath,waitingforherresponse.

Hersoftlyreplied“yes”hasmelettingitoutonawhoosh,asIbringthestrapsofherbradownherarms.I
don’teventakethetimetostareatthebeautyinfrontofme.Abare-chestedEmberisasighttobehold,
butthatisn’twhatthisisaboutrightnow.Thisisaboutsoothingandcomfortandlove.

Emberstandsandremoveshersweatpants,leavingherinonlyasmallpairofboyshortsthatbarelycover
hergloriousass,andcrawlsintobed.Idropmyjeansandfollowcloselybehindher.Assoonasthe
coversarebroughtoverusboth,Ibringhertome.Chesttochest.Hersoftsighofsadnesssendsachill
downmyspine.

AsIholdherinmyarms,herwarmskinflushwithmine,Ican’thelpbutfeelcontent.IknowIfucked-up
beyondanythingI’veeverdone.IknowI’mfallingdeeperintothisdarknessthatconsumesme.IknowI
amlettingthedrugsconsumemylife.ButIwon’tloseher.Iwilldowhateverittakestokeepher.

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CHAPTERTWELVE

-FEBRUARY-

EMBER

It’sbeenalmostamonthsinceKaysonshowedupatmyhousedisoriented,drunk,andhigh.Hesayshe’s
trying,thatheisn’tgoingtoanymoreparties,andthathe’scheckingintogettingsomehelpforhisdrug
use.ButIdon’tbelievehim,andIcalledhimoutonitlastnight.Heshowedupwithglassy,bloodshot
eyesnotexpectingmetopickuponanything.Imayhavebeenthenaïvegirlfriendbefore,butnowIwatch
forthesigns,andlastnightIcouldtellhewashighashell.

Hetriedplayingitoff,tellingmehewasn’t.Then,withenoughprodding,hefinallyadmittedthathewas
highbutitwasn’tabigdealsincehe’slaidofftheharderstuff.Hetriedtotellmeitwasjustpot,thatit
wasn’tabigdeal.

Iamnostrangertotheeffectsofdrugs.It’swhatfinallydestroyedthemarriageofmyparents.Maybe
that’swhyIfoundsolaceinthearmsofKaysonsoquickly.Iwasstillreelingfromtheupheavalofmy
life.Maybemyheartcalledouttohisbrokenpieces,readytomendandhealhimwithmylove.Theysay
awomanchooseshermanbasedonthetypeofmanherfatheris,andIguessIfitthatcliché.

AfterourargumentandKaysonwalkingoutonmelastnight,Iwashopingtotalktohimbeforeclasses
started.Trytotalkandfigureoutwhatwasgoingon.SoIwalkedtoschoolearlythatcoolmorning,
hopingtocatchhimoutside.NotcaringhowdesperateIseemed.Forhim,I'dwithstandanything.

Hedidn'tshowupthough.Notthatmorning.Notduringlunchperiod.Notafter.Notatall.AndIwasa
franticmess.FromclasstoclassIwaslookingforhiminthehallways,textingDamon,askingthegirlsif
they’veseenhim.Imusthavecalledandtextedhimatleastamilliontimes.Pleadingwithhimjusttolet
meknowhewasokay.Nothing.

ThefinalbellhadbarelyrungandIwasoutthedoor,burstingthroughthefrontdoors,searchingthefront
lawnasifhe’djustmaterialize.Iracedovertothestudentparkinglothopingagainstallhopethathe’dbe
waitingformethere.

Nothing.

Alwaysfuckingnothing.

NowI’mcallinghisdrunkofamotherfromschoolforwhatfeelslikethehundredthtimebefore
shefinallyanswers.Slurringtomethatshegotacallfromthestation,informingherthattheypickedup
herdrunkanddisorderlysonat10:00a.m.forsimpleassaultanddrivingundertheinfluence.Myhands
starttotrembleandIstifleasobasshecontinuestotellmetheyareappointingastate-fundedattorneyto
him.Shedoesn'tevenfuckingcare.Shejustsaysgoodfuckingriddanceandhangsup.ThenIbreakdown.

OhmyGod,Kayson.

Itrytopullmyselftogether.Gathermythoughtsandreelinmyemotions.Ilookaroundtheemptyparking
lotoftheschool.ItoldthegirlsandDamontogohomeandI'dfilltheminifIheardfromKayson.Iasked

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themtodothesame.NowI'mregrettingtellingthemitwasokaytogo.WhatamIgoingtodo?

Wipingthetearsfrommyface,IstandupfromthefrontstepsandwalkhomeasquicklyasIcan.Atthis
pointI'mthankfulforsuchasmalltownbecausemywalkhometakesonlyalittleoverfiveminutes.But
it'sfiveminutestoolongasIrunthroughandmakeupamilliondifferentscenariosinmymind.Anything
fromwhatcouldhavehappened,tohowlonghe'llbeinjail,towhatthehellwearegoingtodo.

Mymindisracing.

AssoonasIwalkthroughthedoorIgorightintomyroom,closemyselfin,andstartmakingphone
calls.Icallthestation.Thecourthouse.Thefuckingcityhall.TryingtofindoutanythingIcan.

Damon'suncle,Trey,whoalsohappenedtobetheofficerwhoarrestedKayson,tookpityonmewhenI
finallygotthroughtothestation.HetoldmethatKaysonwouldappearincourtonThursday.It'sTuesday
nowsohe'sspendingthenexttwonightsinjailsincehismomwon'tbailhimout.Treyrelayedherwords
backtome.ShesaiditwouldbegoodforKaysontostayinacellanyway.Thatitmightteachhim
something.

Howcouldanyofthisbegood?

Mommafindsmesobbingonmybedlaterthatevening.I'mcryingsohardIcanbarelytellherwhat's
happened.Attheword‘arrested’sheknowsthisisn'tgoodandwrapsherarmsaroundme,ensuringme
thateverythingwillbeokay.

Gosh,Ihopeshe'sright.

IwanttobegKaysontoletmehelphealthebrokenpartsofhissoul.Toletmelovehimlikehedeserves.

IfonlyIknewthatIwouldbreakintheprocessofmendinghim.

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CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

EMBER

Sittingherewaitinginthecourtroom,I'manervouswreck.Mommaisholdingontightlytomyhandand
sittingcloselybesideme.GivingmethecomfortandstrengthsheknowsIneed.Notmanymotherswould
supporttheirchildrenwithdecisionslikethese.Letthemmissschoolbecauseofthem.ButI'mlucky.
Mommahasalwayssupportedme,andsheknows,despiteeverythingthathashappened,thatKaysonisa
goodguy.He'sjustlosthisway.

Ididn'tnoticeIwasstillcryinguntilMommahandedmeanothertissue.Ihaven'tbeenabletostopcrying
allmorning.MytearsflowedwhenIwasgettingreadythismorning,whenMommadrovemein,andright
beforeIenteredthecourtroom.ButIsteeledmyresolveandstoppedthetears,orsoIthought,because
he'sgoingtoneedme.He'sgoingtoneedmetobestrong.Iwipemytearsagainandstraightenmyspine.I
needtobestrong.IjusthopeIcanstaycalmlongenoughforthattohappen.

Ithinkaboutthecircumstancesofhisarrest,howhimbeingpulledoverat9:30Tuesdaymorningfora
bustedtaillightanddrivingerraticallyturnedintothis.Himsittinginjailfortwodaystothiscourt
appearancewithanuncertainfuture.Ifthere'sanythingtobethankfulforthoughit’sthathechosefivedays
beforehiseighteenthbirthdaytogetcaught.It'soursavinggracethathewasarrestedandchargedasa
juvenile.

Shakenfrommythoughts,thebailiffannouncesforusalltostandasthejudgemakeshiswayin.We'rethe
firstcaseofthemorningsothereareonlyafewpeopleinattendance.Kayson'smothercouldn'tevenbe
botheredtoshow.Itdoesn'tmatteranyway;shewouldn'thavebeenanyhelp.

Asthebailifftellsustobeseated,adooralongthesidechambersopensupandauniformedofficerleads
intheloveofmylife.Thelostboywho'sjusttryingtofindhisway.

Kaysonwalksintothecourtroom,shackledlikeacommoncriminal,boundbycuffsaroundhiswristsand
ankles.Chainedtogether.ItbreaksmeandIcrumble.Itriedtostaystrong.Itriedtobetherockthathe's
goingtoneed.ButIcan't.Ijustcan't.Seeinghimlikethisbringsallmybiggestfearstolife.

WhatifIlosehim?Whatifhecan'tcomebackfromthis?Whatifhedoesn'twantto?

KAYSON

Icannotwaittogetthefuckoutofhere.Yeah,Imaybeafuckingidiotfordrivingdrunkandhigh,but
thankfuckIdidn'thaveanythingonmeorthiscouldhaveturnedoutwayworsethanitalreadyis.

Whenthecourt-appointedlawyercametoseemeyesterdayhetoldmetheofficerondutysawmewitha
bustedtaillight,thennoticedmydriving,anddecidedtopullmeover.Justmyfuckingluck.Icalledmy
sorryexcuseforamothertoseeifshecouldbailmeout.ButthebitchtoldmetorotandmaybeI'dlearna
thingortwo.Iwastedmyonephonecallonher.

Shufflingthroughthebackchambersleadingtothecourtroom,chaineduplikeafuckinganimal,myonly
thoughtsaregettinghome,showering,thengettingtoEmber.Fuckmymother.Embermustbefreakingthe

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fuckoutwonderinghowI'mdoing.

Trey,Damon'suncle,stoppedbymycelltotellmeshecalled,franticovermyarrest.Tryingtofindany
informationshecouldonwhatwashappening.Healsocouldn'thelpbutgetalecturein,too.Justlikehis
fuckingnephew.Mustruninthefamily.

"Stopthefighting,thedrugs,theanger.Ifyoudon'tgetyourselfhelp,you'llfindyourselflosing
everything."Hisvoicegivesawaynothing,buthiseyestellitall.

MyfirstthoughtisEmber.She'smyeverything.Mynumberone.

IcantellheknowsI'mprocessinghiswords."Trustme,son.I'veseenithappenmoretimesthanIcan
count."

Idon'twanthimtoknowhe'sgettingtome.Makingmethinkofmygirlandwhatmyassholeselfhasput
herthroughtheselastfewmonths.Thenwiththis.IknowI'mfuckedandhavealotofmakinguptodo.So
Ireplytothepartofthatstatementthatpissedmeoffthemost."I'mnotyourson."

Hewalkedaway,shakinghisheadatthatcomment.WhenhewasgoneInearlybrokedownthinkingof
Emberandlosingher.Shamewashedoverme,butnowI'mdeterminedtomakethingsright.Ineedto
makeherunderstandthiswillneverhappenagain.I'llmakesureofit.Ican'tloseher.

ThecuffsandchainsrattlewitheachshuffledfootstepItake,shakingmefrommythoughts.Theofficer
leadingthewaylooksbackatmebeforeopeningthedoortoleadmeout.Icatchsightofthejudgefirst
thenmylawyer,andI'mreadytogetthisoverwith.WhenIturntotakemyplaceIcatchsightof
something,notsomething,someone,whichhasmefaltering.ThenIhearit.Ihearhercryingandmyheart
splintersandbreaks.

Whatisshedoinghere?

Sheisn'tlookingatme,buthermotheris.Idon'tmakeeyecontactwithCassandra,althoughIdon'treally
giveafuckwhatshethinksofme.Assholemove,Iknow,butmypriorityisEmber.Butit'sstill
embarrassingasfuck,anditkillsmebecauseI'mnottheoneconsolingmygirl.AndI'mtheonewhodid
thistoher.

Nowmyfocusisn'tonthejudge,mylawyer,orwhathappenstome.No.NowmyfocusisonEmber
silentlysobbinginhermother'sarmsbehindme.

Seeinghersittingthere,threebenchesback,cryingandtrembling,breaksmedown.Ican'tstopthetears
fromleavingmyeyesevenifItried.Mygirlhasstayedthroughallmybullshit.Supportedme.Stoodup
forme.Stoodbehindmeandwithme.Ineedtomakethisright.

****

I’mrubbingmywrists,tryingtogetcirculationbackinthemafterbeingcuffed,whilewaitingforthefew
belongingsIhadonmebeforeIcanleavethecourthouse.Fortyhoursofcommunityservice,thelossof
mylicenseforthirtydays,andoneheftyfinearemypunishmentforbeingadumbshit.Awasteoffucking
timeandmoneyifyouaskme,butatleastIgotoutofprobationoranyjuveniledetention.ButI’mfucking
pissedIhavetogoamonthwithoutmytruck.I’llneedtofiguresomethingout.

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Yay,happyfuckingbirthdaytome.

Iamfuckingexhausted.Justoverforty-eighthoursspentinaholdingcell,thenincourt,andIgotbarely
anysleep.Butmorethanbeingtired,I’manxiousashellbecauseIneedEmber,andIhavenocluehow
I’llkeepusfromsinking.I’llbefuckingluckyifIcanapologizemywayoutofthisone.ButIneedto,
becauseifIloseherI’llhavenothingleft.

IattempttoturnonmycelltoseeifDamoncanpickmeupbutfindit’sdead.Istepthroughthedoorsand
startdownthecourthousestairs,planninghowI’llgethome,butcomeupshort.Sittingatthebottomofthe
stairsisEmber.Headinherhands,shouldersshaking,andquietsobsrackingherbody.

Icannotbelieveshe’shereforme.Thatshewaited.Ishouldn’tbesurprised,butthistimeIreallythought
she’dalreadybegone.

Ican’tgetdowntoherfastenough.

“Ember,baby?”IsayhernamequietlysoIdon’tscareher,butshejumpsanyway.

Shebringsherhandstoherfacetowipehertearsbeforeshespinsaroundandlooksupatme.“Oh,
Kayson!”

ShejumpsupandintomyarmsbeforeIcanutteranotherword,andIfeelhertearswetmyneckand
throughmyT-shirt.Herearlierattemptatwipingawayhertearsforgotten.Shefeelssogoodinmyarms
aftergoingdayswithout,soIpullherintightly.

HowcouldIeverbesodumbtojeopardizethis,her,overandoveragain?

“Iwassoscared.IthoughttheyweregoingtolockyouupanditwouldbeforeveruntilI’dseeyou
again.”Herwordsaremuffledsinceherfaceisstillinmyneck.Herarmsaroundmywaistsqueezeme
tighterandtighterasshekeepstalking.

“Youweren’tinschoolonTuesday,andIwantedtotalktoyou.Thenthemoretimethatpassedthemore
worriedIgotandthenwhenItalkedtoyourmother…”Shestopsasasobbubblesupherthroat.

Myeyesslamclosedasthehitchedsobpassesthroughherpoutylipsandatthethoughtshehadtotalkto
mymother.

Sheclearsherthroattocomposeherselfbeforeshestartsagain.“WhenItalkedtoyourmother,andshe
toldmeyouwerearrested,mywholeworldstopped.Ididn’tknowwhattodo.”She’salloutcryingagain
whenshefinishes.

FuckamIanasshole.

“Baby,it’sokay.Iknow,Iknow.I’mafuckingasshole,adipshit,butIpromiseInevermeantforanyof
thistohappen.Anditwon’thappenagain.I’lldowhatIcantomakethisright.”I’mchokingoneach
wordthatpassesthroughmylipsbecauseIknowthesearepromisesImaynotbeabletokeep.

“Thiscan’thappenagain,Kayson.Itcan’t.”Shesnifflesbackhertearsandstepsawayfromme.Ifeelthe
losstomysoul.

“Iknow—”

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SheinterruptsmebeforeIcanfinish.“No.No,Idon’tthinkyoudo.Youneedtogethelp.Youneedtostop
thedrugs.Orwecan’t…”Hertearsstartupagain.Herred,puffyeyesstaringintomine.“Ifyoudon’twe
can’tbetogetheranymore.”Herfacecrumblesagainasshelooksawayfromme.IhatewhenIcan’tsee
hereyes.

Iknewthiswouldbeapossibility.Iknewmyfuck-upstimeandtimeagaincouldruinus.Butthatstill
doesn’tpreparemeforrightnow.It’slikealltheairisknockedfrommylungswiththatonestatement.
Thoseeightwordshavingthechancetochangemyworldforever.

“Ember…youcan’tmeanthat.Notaftereverythingwe’vebeenthrough.Wecanmakethiswork.”I’m
pleadingwithher,IknowIam.Myvoiceisshaking.It’sjust,thiscannotbefuckinghappening.Ican’tlet
ithappen.

Insteadofansweringmethough,oreasingmyfears,sheglancesmyway,wipingthelastofhertears,then
looksawayagain.Shecan’tkeepeyecontactwithme,whichmakesmeevenmorenervous.Thenshe
changesthesubjectcompletely.

“Mommaiswaitinginthecarinthesideparkinglot.Iaskedherforalittletimeandprivacyforwhenyou
cameout.”Shefinallylooksatmeagain.Herbigbrowneyesstillswimmingwithtears.“Wecangiveyou
aridehome.”

Apparently,we’redonetalkingaboutus.

“Ahno,Icanfiguresomethingelseout,baby.I’msureyourmomdoesn’twanttowastehertime,andI
canguaranteeshedoesn’twantyouaroundmerightnow.Ifnoteveragain.”Iswallowhardatthat
commentanditfeelslikeI’mswallowingshardsofglass.

“Kayson,youknowMommaisn’tlikethat.SheofferedbeforeIevenasked.You’reprobablyrightthough
aboutbeingaroundyou.”Hervoicetrailsoffandpanicsetsinagain.“Fortodayitwouldprobablybea
goodideajusttobringyouhome.Thentomorrow,afterwe’veallhadachancetoprocessandcalmdown
some,you’llneedtocomeoversowecanfinishthistalk.”

Hervoice,hereyes,herdemeanor,allofherissosad.Shelookslostandunsure.Likeshe’scaught
betweenherdecisiontostickitoutwithmeorletmego.Ineedtomakesureitisn’tthelatter.Ihaveto
fightforherlikeshe’sbeenfightingforme.

“Okay.”IagreebecausewhatelsecanIdo.Ineedtogiveherthistimeanduseittogetmyselftogetherso
IcanmakesureIdon’tloseher.

Withmyconfirmation,EmberturnsaroundandIfollow.Wemakeourwaytothesideparkinglotwhere
hermomisparkedandclimbin.IacknowledgeCassandraandoffermythanksaftershesayshello,and
thenremainsilentallthewaybacktomymother’splace.Irefusetocallithomebecauseitisn’t.Ember
is.

Whenwepullintothetownhouse’sparkinglot,IleanintothefrontseattoofferEmberakiss.Hoping
andprayingthatIcanfeelsomesortofconnectionwithher.Butinsteadsheturnsherheadandoffersher
cheek.Iplaceagentlekisstohersoftskin,thankhermotheronelasttime,andtellherI’llcallherlater
onceI’vehadachancetoshowerandgetsomesleep.Shenodsherunderstanding,andwiththatIleave
thecar.

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Asitpullsawaywiththeloveofmylifeinside,Iturnaroundtogiveheronelastlook.She’sslouchedin
thepassengerseat.HershouldersshakingjustliketheywerewhenIwalkedoutofthecourthouse.And
myheartbreaksjustthesame.

HowcanImakethisrightandmakeherseethatwe’reworththisfight?

MyshouldersdropasIshakemyheadandmakemywaythroughtherustyscreendoorintothehouse.

AssoonasitslapsshutbehindmeIwishInevercamebackhere.

"Theyletyouout,huh?"mymotherasks.Disdainanddisgustdrippingfromhertone.

IignoreherandmakemywaydownthesmallhallwaytothestairssoIcangetashowerandthenhitmy
bed.I'mfuckingexhausted.

"Hey,I'mtalkingtoyou.Don'tyoufuckingwalkawayfromme,"sheslursoutbeforetakinganothersip
fromherbeercan.

"Obviously,theyletmeout—nothankstoyou—sinceI'mstandingrighthere."

"Watchyourdamntonewithme.Itisn'tmyfaultyou'readamnfuck-upandgotyourselfarrested.Fucking
idiot."

"JesusChrist,Idon'tneedanyofthisbullshit,Mom,allright?I'mhere.I'msorrythatpissesyouoffso
much,butbelieveme,ifIhadanywhereelsetogoI'dfuckingleave."

WiththatpartingcommentIstormupthestairsandslamthedoortomyroom.Plugginginmyphoneonthe
chargerandwaitingforittotakeacharge,Iflopdownonmybedandheaveadeepsigh.

Thisfuckingdayjustgetsbetterandfuckingbetter.

Atextalertfromnexttomehasmegrabbingmyphone.

Yououtorwhat?Andfuck,man,whatwereyouthinking?

Damon.Idon'tknowwhythefuckerevenbotherstoask.IknowhehastoknowthatI'moutandthat'swhy
he'stextingme.Iguaranteehisuncleinformedhim.AndIwasn’tfuckingthinking.Clearly.

ItypeoutaquickreplytolethimknowthatIamandthatI'mabouttocrash,whenIreceiveareplyfrom
himimmediately.

Youfucked-up,man.Youhaveagreatfuckinggirlandyoufucked-up.Howthefuckareyougoingtofix
this?

Fuck.AsifIdidn'tknowthatalready.

Iignorehisreplyandtossmyphonebackonthecharger.Notwantingtodealwithhislecturingassright
now.

Butfuckisheright.

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HowthefuckamIgoingtofixthis?

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CHAPTERFOURTEEN

-APRIL-

KAYSON


I’mwoundtightandanxiousasfuck.

Ineedsomethingtocalmmethefuckdown.I’vebarelybeenusingbecauseI’vebeentryingforEmber.
Reallytrying.ButI’vebeenfloundering,andIjustneedsomethingtotaketheedgeoff.

Ihavenofuckingmoneythough,sinceIhadtopaythefinefrommyarrestjustoveramonthago.Nowa
goodchunkofmysavingsisgone.

Thispastmonthoftryingtokeepcleanhasalsogivenmetimetoreallycheckmyfinancesandfuck—I
didn’tknowhowmuchIwasactuallyspending.Whatnormallylastedmethroughtheendoftheschool
yearuntilIstartedworkingfull-timeagainhasonlylastedmeuntilnow.Idon’tevenknowhowI’mgoing
topaymycellphonebillorputgasinmytrucknextweek.I’vebledmyaccountsdrywithpillsandblow,
andIreallydon’tevencare.

That’sthesadpartofitall.

Ican’tstandthethoughtofdraggingEmberevenfurtherintomybullshit,butI’mgoingtohavetoaskher
forsomecash.Becauseontopofneedingmoneytoactuallysurvivethesenextcoupleofmonths,Ineed
somethingtomakeitthrough.IranoutofthestashIhad,andit’sjustbeenafewdaysandI’malready
jitteryasfuck.Ican’tfocus.I’mangry.Jumpy.Ijustneedsomething.

Idon’tknowhowtoaskherforanymorewhenshe’salreadygivenmesomuch.ButI’mgoingtoneedto
findawaybecauseIneedsomething.

EMBER

Iknowhehasn’tbeenworkingasmuchduetoschoolandthecolderweather.ButIdoknowhemakesand
savesenoughthroughoutthesummertocoverhimuntiltheseasonstartsagain.Sowhyhe’saskingmefor
moneycouldonlymeanonething.

“Whatdoyouneedthemoneyfor,Kayson?”Iask,noteventryingtohidetheaccusatorytoneinmy
voice.

“Itoldyou,Ember—”

“No,”Icuthimoff,“youhaven’ttoldme.Soexplaintomewhatyoucouldpossiblyneedonehundred
dollarsfor?”

“Fuck,Ijustneedit,okay?”

Hecan’tfocus.Hisjawistickingandgrinding.

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“What’sthematterwithyou?Areyouonsomething?”

“What?No,baby,ofcoursenot.”

“Kayson,”Iyell,“tellmerightnow.Behonestforonegoddamntime.Areyouonsomething?”

“Goddamnit,Ember,NO!Iamnotonanything.JesusChrist.Ijustneedsomemoney,okay?Payingthat
finewipedoutmyaccount.”He’spleadingwithmetounderstand,butIcan’t.

“No,Kayson,noneofthisisokaybecauseyoushouldstillhaveenoughmoneytolastyouacouplemore
monthsfromwhatyou’vetoldmebefore.Soifyouarealreadybrokeordon’thaveenoughforextras,that
couldmeanonlyonething.Drugs.”I’mfightingoffthetears,tryingnottoshowhimhowmuchhe’shurting
me.

“Baby…”hegoestotakeasteptowardme,butIstophimwitharaisedpalm.

“No,Kayson,no.Iwantanswers.Whatisthismoneyfor?Whatcouldyoupossiblyneedthatmoney
for?”

“FuckingChrist,Imisjudgedmyaccountandcameupshort.Ineeditforbillsandshit.”

Againwiththeerraticbehavior.Fromsofttohardinaflash.Igivehimahardlook.Notbackingdown.I
needhimtoopenuptome.

“Drugs!Okay?Yougotme,Ineedthemoneyfordrugs.”He’sexasperatedandagitatedandangry.It’sall
swirlingaroundbehindhiseyesmixedinwithaheapofguilt.

MyeyesstartfillingwithunshedtearsasIseetheangerstarttotakeover.“Oh,Kayson…youpromised
you’dtry.Youpromisedthatafterthearrestandalltheothercrapyou’veputusthroughthatyou’dsmarten
up.Thatyou’dtrytofindsomehelp.”Thenthetearsfall.

“Yeah,well,youpromisedyou’dstopthenaggingandthebullshit.Butyouclearlyhaven’t,Ember.Inever
askyouforanything.Notadamndimewhetheritbefordatesorotherwise.Soplease,canyouplease
lendmesomemoney?”He’spleadingagain.“Justthisonetime,andthenI’llstop.”

“Thisonetimeandthenyou’llstop?HowcouldIeverbelieveyouwhenI’veheardthissomanytimes
before?Idon’thavethatkindofmoneyanyway.ButevenifIdidIwouldn’tgiveittoyou.Notforthis.”

"Ifyouwon'tfuckinghelpmethenfine!We'refuckingthrough,andI'llgofindsomeoneelsetofundmethe
fuckingmoney."

Hisangeriscompletelytakingover.Iknowhedoesn’tmeananyofthis,Ireallydo,butthatdoesn’tstop
theburnfromhiswords.Iknowthismakesmeweak,lettinghimtalktomelikethis.IalsoknowifIwere
togiveinitwouldn’tteachhimadamnthing.Iknowhe'stryingtomanipulatemetogetwhathewants,
hopingI’llbeghimtostayandneverleaveme.ButIcan’tdothisanymore.Ineedtostanduptohim,and
Ineedtostickupforme.

“Ididn’tlieaboutnothavingthemoney,Kayson.ButIwouldn’thelpyouwiththatevenifIdid.”Irepeat
myself,hopingtogetthroughtohim.

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It’sasifhedoesn’tevencare.Scratchthat,Iknowhedoesn’t.Hedoesn’tcarethatheadmittedtostill
usingdrugs.Hedoesn’tcareaboutallthemoneyheisaskingfor.Hedoesn’tcareaboutwhatthisisdoing
tome,whatit’sdoingtous.

He’slettinghisaddictioncontrolhislifeandhekeepsslippingfromme.

We’resinkingfast.I’vetriedtomakeusbetter,tomakeuswork,alongwithkeepingKaysonafloat.But
it’sslowlykillingme,andIdon’tknowifIcandothisanymore.ButthesecondIthinkaboutleavinghim,
guiltconsumesme.BecauseifI’mnotthere,thenwhowillhehave?BesidesDamonhehasnoone,justa
sorryexcuseforamother.Butmoreimportantly,Ilovehimtoomuchtolethimgo.Thethoughtoflivinga
lifewithouthimshredsmeapartinside.SoIstay.

ButyetagainIhaveanotherreminderofthesinkingshipthatisuswhenIconfronthimwithwhatIfound.

“What’sthis?”IaskasIholdupthepartiallyfilledpillbottlethatIfoundinthesweatshirtheleftherea
coupleofweeksago.WhenIwenttopullitovermyheadthebottlehadfallenout.

MyheartshatteredwhenIknewwhyhestillhadthem.

HelookspanickedwhenheseeswhatI’mholdingup,butquicklycoolshisfeatures.“It’snothing.Just
givethemback.”

Helooksmoresurprisedtohavingpillsleft,notthatIhavethemandfoundthem.

“Whydoyoustillhavethese,Kayson?Footballendedmonthsago,andIthoughtyourhandwasbetter?
Yousaidyourhandwasbetter...”IknowI’mpleadingwithhim.Iwantthetruth.

“Donotfuckingplaygameswithmerightnow.Givemethefuckingbottle.Fuckthemoney.Justgiveme
thebottle.”

“Sonowthemoneyisn’timportantthatyouknowIhavethese,huh?”I’msurprisedIcanevenspeakI’m
cryingsohard.Mytearsfallingontomylips.

“Whycan’tyoustopbeingastupidbitchforonegoddamnminuteandjustgivemethefuckingpills?”He
roarssoloudlyIswearthewallsrattle.

IlookupatthisboyIfellsohardforsoquickly.Ilookupathishandsomefacethatisredwithrage.I
lookupintohisvacanteyesthatonceheldsomuchlove.IlookupatthisboyIdon’tevenrecognize
anymoreandallofthepent-uphurtandangerfromthelastfewmonthsbubblesup.Thenonasob,Ihit
him.Islammyballedfiststohischest,andIhithimagainandagain.

Howcouldhedothistome?Tous?Howcouldheloseallhisfightandletthispoisonruineverythingwe
had?WhereistheboyIlove?

AftermyfinalblowIturntoleave.Spewinghateful,vilewordsasIturn.“Ihateyou,youknowthat?
You’veruinedmeandturnedmeintothis!Ican’tevenstandmyselfanymorebecauseyouturnedmeinto
thispersonthatIhatealmostasmuchasIhateyou!”

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AsIhurlmylastinsult,butbeforeIcangetthroughthedoor,hedoestheunthinkable.Hechargestoward
me,hishandwrappingaroundmythroat.Hiseyesareblazingintominewithfury.Theangerandhatred
gutme,butthedesolationandemptinessstaringbackatmearewhatreallyshattermyresolve.

IknowIshouldn’t,butIthrowmyarmsaroundhisneckashedropshishand,realizingwhathe'sdone.
Theshockregistersbeforehestartstostammeranapology."Ember,baby,I'msorry.I'msofuckingsorry."
Hegaspsashisshouldersslumpandheburieshisfaceintomyneck.

"It'sokay...it'sokay.Iknowyoudidn'tmeanit.Ihityoufirst.It'smyfault,"Istammerout,tryingtostopmy
bodyfromshaking."Iknowthatwasn'tyou.Yougotlostinyourheadagain.Youletthedrugstakeyou
again.”

"IswearIdidn'tmeanit.Noneofit.Thewords,myhandaround...."Hecan’tevenfinishashechokeson
hiswords."Fuck...I'dneverhurtyouonpurpose,baby.Youknowthat,right?Iloveyou.Iloveyouso
fuckingmuch.Pleasedon'tleaveme."Hebegs."I’dneversurvivewithoutyou."

It’salmostfunnyhownotevenoneminuteagohewasaskingformoney,denyinghisdruguse,and
threateningtoleavemeifIdidn’thelphim.I’dlaughifIwasn’tcryingsohard.OrifIwasn’tsoscared.

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CHAPTERFIFTEEN

-JUNE-

EMBER

“Youlookpretty,Em,”Mommasays,lookingupfrombalancinghercheckbookasIwalkintothekitchen
frommybedroom,aftergettingreadyformydatewithKaysontonight.

“Thanks,”Ireplysoftly.I’malittlenervousfortonight.Witheverythingwe’vebeenthroughsincewe
starteddating,thislastmonthorsohasbeenprettycalm,butstillstrained.SoItookextracaregetting
ready.Ichoseasimplecobaltbluesummerdresswithsomesandals.Ikeptmymakeupnaturalalongwith
myhair.ButitallseemedtotakeforeverbecauseIcouldn’tstopmynerves.

“Sweetheart,areyouokay?”I’vetriedtokeepmystressawayfromMomma.Apparently,I’mnotdoinga
goodjobtonight.

IplasteronasmilebeforeIreply.“Yeah,I’mfine.Justalittletired.”

“Ember,pleasedon’ttrytohidefromme.I’myourmother.I’msureIdon’tknowthehalfofwhatthatboy
hasputyouthrough,butfromwhatIdoknowIhavetoaskyou.”Sheclearsherthroatbeforecontinuing.
“Areyousureyoushouldstaywithhim?Isitworthit?”

Ihearavehiclepullintothedrivewayandthenthehonkingofahorn.Kaysonhasfeltabituneasyjust
walkinginlikeheusedto,orevenjustknockingonthedoor,sincehisarrestacoupleofmonthsago.So
whenheaskedmetheothernightaboutgoingonthisdatehehadtoldmeaheadoftimethathewouldn’t
becomingin.Ithurtsmyheartthathe’ssouncomfortablearoundMommawhenshe’sbeennothingbut
supportivedespiteeverythingthat’shappened,butIgetit.

IlookbackatMommaandgiveherasmallsmile.“Iknowhehasn’tmadethingseasyonus,andImaybe
foolishtostay,butIlovehim,Momma.”IswallowbackthetearswellingupinmyeyesbeforeIcontinue.
“Iknowyou’reafraidthatI’mfallingintothesametrapthatyoudidwithdad.”IcantellIsurprisedher
bycallingouthertruefears.“ButIpromiseI’mnot.ThisiswhatIwant.HeiswhatIwant.”

Shelooksatmeforasecondthenpullsmeintoahug.“Ijustworryaboutyou,sweetie.Iknowheisa
goodboy,thathe’sjustlost,butIneedtoworryaboutmybabygirlandputyoufirstwhenhedoesn’t.”

“Iknow,Momma.Butyoucan’thelpwhattheheartwants.Atanyage.”Ihughertightly,absorbingallher
loveandstrengthfortonight.WithafinalsqueezeIsaygoodnightandtellherIwon’tbehometoolate.

WhenIopenthefrontdoorIcan’thelpbutmeltalittle.Leaningagainstthepassengersideofhistruck,
armsfoldedacrosshischest,isKayson.He’swearingaslategraybutton-upshirtthatIknowwillmake
hiseyespop,untuckedfromhisdarkdenimjeansthathangjustrightoffofhiships.

AsIstepoffthefrontporchandmakemywaytohimhestraightensandopensthetruckdoor.Allwhile
keepinghiseyesrightonme,roamingmybody,heatingmeupfromtheinsideout.Nomatterwhat
happenswithus,nomatterwhathedoes,Icanneverhelpmyreactiontohim.Thewayhiseyestakemein
andburnbrighteachandeverytimeignitesafireinme.Andthat’swhyIknowI’mrightwhereI’mmeant
tobe.Withhim.

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“Youlookgorgeous.”Hiseyesstillhaven’tleftme.

“Thankyou.Youdon’tlooksobadyourself.”Hesmirksatmyreply,shakinghisheadlightly,before
grabbingmyhipsandhelpingmeintohistruck.Beforeheclosesthedoorheleansintoplaceagentle
kisstomylips,thenmycheek.

Hejumpsintothedriver’sside,startsupthetruck,thenpullsoutofthedrivewaybeforesettlinghishand
onmybarethigh.Istillblushathistouch.

WerideinsilenceasKaysonstartsdowntheroad.Ihavenoideawherewe'regoing,butIhaveagood
ideasincehe'sheadedtowardthebeach.Ijustdon'tknowwhatwe'redoing.

Kaysonhashisleftarmdrapedoverthesteeringwheelthatwayguysdo.Coolandeffortless.Hishair
movesslightlyfromthewarmairblowingthroughtheopenwindow,causingthelongerpiecesonthetop
tofalloverhisforehead.Hetakeshisrighthandfrommythighandrunshishandthroughhisgorgeously
softhairtobrushitfromhisface.Mussingitupevenmore,givingitthatrumpledjust-out-of-bedlookI
droolover.Hecatchesmewatchinghimandflashesmethatsmirkthatrevealshisleftdimplebefore
lookingbackattheroadahead.

AndImelt.

WhenIlookaheadIfeelhisrighthandlandonmybareleftthighagain,butalittlehigherthistime.His
longfingersbrushingupundermysundress.Iflushwithneedashisfingersmakesoothingcirclesonmy
skin,mybreathingstartstopickup,butItampitalldownwhenIseewhereweare.Myheartrategoes
fromasteadyclimbofarousaltoerraticwithexcitementwhen,insteadofparkingtofacethebeach,he
backsinbythejetty.Hehasn'tbroughtmetothebeachinsolong.

Thisisjustwhatweneed.

Ididn'tevennoticethatKaysonhadsteppedoutofthetruckuntilheopensmydoor.

"Ineedtodosomethingbeforeyougetout.Sittightforme,baby,andstayfacingforward.I'lljustbea
minute."Heleansintokissthetipofmynosethenclosesmydooragain.

Iwanttoturnaround.Ireallydo.ButIdon'twanttoruinthesurprise,andIdon'twanttosethimoff.He's
beenprettycalmsincewehadourlastmajorfight.I'dliketokeepitthatway.

Sincethelastfewmonthsofheartacheandhurtandpain,Kaysonhasseemedtokeephisword.He'sbeen
morelevelheadedandhasseemedlessstressed.Heisn'tasagitatedandjitteryasbefore.FromwhatIcan
tellhe'ssober.Nomoreglazedovereyeswithpupilsthesizeofpinpoints.Nomoresniffingandgrinding
oftheteeth.HistemperismoreincheckandhecontinuestoapologizeforthatnightbackinAprilwhen
hehithislowestpoint.Itrytoblockitout.

IknowImakeexcusesforhim.Apologizeforhim.Allthewhilehewaslyingtome.Timeandtimeagain,
abouteverything.Disregardingmyfeelings.Carelesslyexpectingmetoalwaysbethere,pickupthe
pieces,andcarryonasifnothinghappened.Butlatelyhe'schangedandmyloveforhimhasn’t.

I'mstartledfrommythoughtswhenthepassengerdoorisopenedagain.Kayson'schiseledfacegreetsme.

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"Okay,comeon,baby.Butcloseyoureyesforme."

Igrabhisofferedhandandhopdownfromthetruck.Keepingmyeyesclosedasherequested.Hekeeps
holdofmylefthandandplaceshisothertothesmallofmyback,guidingme.Irunmyrighthandalongthe
truckuntilwestopattheend.

Kaysonletsgoofmyhand,stepsbehindme,andplaceshishandstomywaisttoshiftmewherehewants
me.Thenhekeepshishandsonmyhipsashewhispersinmyear,"Openyoureyes,baby."

OnhissoftcommandgoosebumpseruptonmyskinasIopenmyeyestoseethesoftorangeandpinksof
thesettingsunspreadalongthefadingbluesky.CastingabeautifulglowalongtheAtlantic.ThenIgasp
whenIseethebedofthetrucksetupforthemostromanticdateofmylife.

Alanternineachcornerlightsupthebackofthebed.Differentthrowpillowslinethebackwithblankets
liningthefloorascushions.Apicnicbasketsitsinthemiddleofitallwhilesoftmusicplaysinthe
background.

IgaspasItakeitallin.Myeyeswellingwithhappytearsforthefirsttimeinsolong.Iturnaroundand
wrapmyarmsaroundKayson'swaist.Burrowingmyheadinhischestasafewtearsfall.

"Doyoulikeit,baby?Isitokay?"Theanxietyanduneaseinhissoftvoicehasmepullingbackto
reassurehimitis.

"It'sperfect,"Iwhisper,beforeIgetonmytippytoesandplantagentlekisstohisfulllips.WhenIgoto
pullawayheshiftshishandsfrommyhipsandbringsthemtomyface.Slidingthemintomyhairsohecan
takethekissdeeper.Andboydoeshe.Onamoanheslipshistongueinmymouthandwegetlostinone
another.Beforewecantakeittoofar,Kaysonpullsbackandplacesafewsoftpeckstomylips,thenmy
jaw,downtomyneck.

"Icouldspendallnightkissingyou."Hiswordsarebarelyaboveawhisper."AndIprobablywill.Butlet
mefeedyoufirst."Heflashesthatkillerdimpleonceagain.AndonceagainI'mlost.

"Okay,"Ireplysimply,asKayson'shandscomebackdowntomyhipssohecanliftmeintothebedofhis
truck.OnceI'mupandsettledbackagainstthepillowsItakemysandalsoff,andwatchhimjumpinto
followme.

Watchinghimunloadthepicnicbasketwhilelisteningtothesoftmusicplayingbehindus,alongwiththe
settingsuncastingapinkhue,isallsomagical.It’stimeslikethese,whenheputsmefirstandtakesthe
timetoshowmehowmuchhelovesme,thatallthebadgetserased.Evenifjustforashorttime.It’s
timeslikethesethatmakeallthebadseembearable,andgivesmeachancetorememberwhyweareso
amazingtogether.AndwhyIfellinlovewithhiminthefirstplace.

KAYSON

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I’vebeenfuckingupwaytoomuchlately.Waytoofuckingmuch.Mybullshitisgettinginthewayofus.
Theselastfewmonthshavebeenthehardestyet.Myarrest,myfuckinglowestpointwhenIputmyhands
onmygirloutofangerinsteadoflove,mydruguse.Allofitstillhoversoverus.Mydarknesscrowds
herlight,diminishesit.ItossallofthatatEmberandshetakesallofitandstillfightsforus,forme.She
isthesweetestfuckingperfectionI’veeverknownandallmine.NomatterhowhardItryIstillfuckupso
sheneedsthis,deservesit,soit’sdatenightatherfavoriteplace,thebeach.Ican’tloseher,soIwas
hopingthatasurprisedatenightforjustus,justourlove,wouldhelpremindherofthegoodandofwhy
shefightssohard.Andofwhywefellinlovetobeginwith.

Withherreactiontomysetup,thesoftgasp,thenherpoutylipsonmine,I'dsayIdidwell.I'vehaditall
plannedforthelastweek.Thepicnicbasketfullofsomeofherfavoritethings:cheeseandcrackers,those
pestocapresepaninisshelikesfromSophie’sKitchen,andchocolate-coveredberriesandwhipped
creamfordessert.HopingthatI'mluckyandshe’llletmeeatsomeofitoffofherdelectablebody.Either
way,doordon’t,thisnightisallabouther.

Ipullthelastofourmealandthetwobottlesofraspberryicedteafromthebasketandsetthebasket
aside.IhandEmberawrappedpaninialongwithanapkinbeforesettlinginnexttohertoeatmine.

Iwatchherenjoyhermealslowly,savoringeachbitelikeshealwaysdoes.Iwatchherdrinkfromthe
bottleIopenedforher.Allthewhilesittinginsilence,withverylittlesmalltalk,justtakinginthe
comfortableSaturdaynightairasthewavescrashontheshore.

“I’vebeenlookingforapartments,”Icutintothesilencebetweenus.

Emberswingshergazetomeassheasks,“What?”

IswallowbeforeIrepeatmylaststatement.“I’vebeenlookingforapartments.”Istop,tryingtojudgeher
reaction.Butshedoesn’tgivetoomuchaway.

“Apartments?”shechokesout.

“Yeah,I’vebeenthinkingofiteversinceIgraduatedlastmonth.Iknowyoustillhaveanotheryearinhigh
school,soyoumovinginwouldn’tbeapossibilityyet.Butmyhopeisthatyourmomwilltrustmeenough
toletyoucomeoveroften.Maybespendsomenightsifwecouldevertalkherintothat.”Inudgeher
shouldergentlyandshesmilesupatmewiththatshysmileofhers.

“Idon’tknowaboutthat,Kayson.”

“Iknow,baby.I’dbepushingmyluckwiththat.”Ichuckleoutloud,tryingtomaskthenervousnessthatis
causingmyvoicetogettight.“ButIwashopingyou’dhelpmepickoutaplacebecauseIwantyouthere
asmuchaspossible.Then,whenyougraduate,Iwantyouthere.Permanently.Iwantyoutomoveinwith
me.”

“Youwanttomoveintogether?”

Shesoundsshocked,andIdon’tknowwhy.

“OfcourseIdo,baby,”Istate,incredulously.“Iwantyouwithmeasmuchaspossible.AndlikeIsaid,I
knownextyearyou’llbefinishinguphighschool,butit’simportanttomethatyoulikewherewe’llbe

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livingandfeelsafethere.”

“Butwhataboutcollege?Don’tyouwanttotryandseeifyoucanfindaninterestinsomething?”

IsnortatherquestionbeforeIanswer.“AsmuchasImightdowellinschool,Ican’tthinkofonethingI
wanttodo.I’dratherkeepworkingforDamon’sdaddoingconstructionandtaketheyearofffromschool,
savingmoney,andspendingallmyfreetimewithyou.”

“Okay,that’sfine.Butwhataboutforme?YouknowIwanttobeateacher.”

“Andyouwillbe.ThereareplentyofcollegesaroundSouthCarolina.Butifyoudecideyouwantto
moveandgotoanotherschoolinadifferentstatethenthat’ssimple.”IbringahandtoEmber’ssoftcheek
andturnherfacebacktominesoI’mstaringintoherrichbrowneyes.“I’llfollowyou.Because,baby,I
can’tbewithoutyou.”

Atthat,sheleansintomeandtipsherheadback,offeringupherlipsforakiss.Shedoesn’thavetotell
metwice.Ileandown,meetingherhalfway,andplaceagentletouchagainstherfulllips.Myheart
feelingfullerthanithasinalongtimeknowingthateventuallywe’llbelivingtogether.

Oncewe’vehadourfillIplacetheleftoversandgarbagebackinthebasket,andmovebackbesidemy
girl.She’sbeenexceptionallyquiettonight,notthatsheevertalkstoomuch,butitcausesthatuneasy
feelingfromearliertocomeroaringback.It’slikeshe’sstuckinherhead,soItrytopullherout.

Ipullhergentlyfromherseatedpositionbesidemeuntilshe'ssittingbetweenmyoutstretchedlegs,her
backtomychest.Iwrapmyarmsaroundherwaistfrombehindandsettlemyhandsinherlap.Herhands
comeovertopofmineasacontentedsighleavesherlips.

Ibrushherlong,darkhairoveroneshoulderanddropacouplekissestoherneck.Itakeinherdelicious
scentandreleaseacontentedsighofmyown.

"Thankyouforthis.Fortonight.Forallofit,"shewhispersintothenight.

MaybeIwasuneasyfornothing.

Iwrapmyarmsabittighteraroundher."Youdeservethisallthetime,Ember.Notjustasareminderof
ourconnectionafterallmyfuck-ups."

IcursemyselfundermybreathwhenIfeelherbodytenseatmycomment.Goddamnmystupidfucking
mouth.Icantellherwholedemeanorhaschanged,IcanseethefrownmarringherfaceeventhoughI'm
notlookingather.Ididn'tmeanitthewayitcameoutsoIrushontoconfirmthat.

"Ididn'tmeanitlikethat,baby.ThisnightisasortofthankyouforstayingeventhoughIdon'tdeserveit.
Butit'salsosomuchmorethanthat."She'sstilltenseassheleansbackintome.Fuck."Youdeserveall
this.Everyday.SoI'mtryingtogetusbackthere."

"Yeah,well,thefuck-upsarestilltherenomatterhowmanyromanticnightsyougiveme,Kayson."Her
softvoiceishardandsad.Piercingthroughmyheart.

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"Iknow,baby,butit'sbeenbetter.We'vebeenbetter.Don'tyouthink?"Ican'tkeeptheuneaseand
pleadingoutofmyvoice.

"Ithas,butforhowlong?"Thatquestionhangsintheairaroundus.Imullovermyresponsecarefully.

"Forever."Ireleaseadeepbreath."BecauseIcan'tloseyou,Ember.Iwouldn'tsurviveit."

"ItfeelslikeI'vebeenlosingyousinceIgotyou,"sherepliessosoftly,herwordscarryingonthebreeze
thatblowsthroughthesaltyair.

Idropmyheadindefeatatthesadnessinhertone.Butit’slikethestarsarealignedbecause,asthe
conversationreachesitsheaviestpoint,myiPodswitchestooursong,effectivelyendingallconversation.
It’sthesamesongwedancedourfirsteverdancetothatnightshepromisedtobemine.

IgentlymovefrombehindEmberandjumpfromthebedofmytruck.Iturntoseeherquestioninglook
turnknowingwhenIholdoutmyhandtoherandask,"Dancewithme,baby?"

Allthetensionfrombeforeeasesfromherbodyandasoftsmilecrossesherbeautifulfaceasshe
gracefullygetsupandwalkstomyoutstretchedhand.Sheplaceshersoft,smallhandintomyrougher,
largeroneandIhelpherdown.Assoonasherbarefeethitthesandmyarmsarearoundherwaist,
pullingherclose,andherhandsarearoundmyneck,runningthroughthelongerpiecesofmyhair.

Shelaysherheadonmychestas“MakeYouFeelMyLove”byAdelecroonsawayinthebackground.
Shepressesincloser,swayinggentlyintimewithme.

JustlikethatnightbackinOctober,Ihumalongtothewordssoftlyinherear.Goosebumpsriseuponher
flawlesstanskin,andIleandowntokissherbareshoulder.Whenasoftmoantricklespastherplump
lips,Itrailmykissesuphershouldertoherneck.PlacingatenderkissjustbelowherearbeforeInipher
lobegently.Shemeltsintomecompletely,andjustlikethatI’mlostinheragain.Crashingmylipsdown
onhers.Stealingherbreathandreplacingitwithmine.

Wekissandswayaswegiveandtake.

Asthenightwasgoingonstormcloudsstartedrollinginovertheocean.Now,asourkissdeepens,those
cloudsdecidetoopenupandpourdownrain.

Emberbreaksawayonashriekandthrowsherhandsoutoverherhead,likethatwillhelpkeepherdry.I
chuckleasshestartslaughingatherself,shethenbringsherarmsouttohersides.Myhandsneverlefther
waistsoshetipsherheadback,trustingmyhold,andletstheraindroponherflushedskin.

Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenanythingsobeautifulinallmylife.Evenwhenshe’slettinggounderme,
lettingmypleasurebringherunder,I’veneverseenherasbeautifulassheisrightnow.Carefreeand
youngandgorgeous.WiththatlastthoughtIcan’thelpbutbringherdrenchedbodybackflushwithmine.
Devouringherlipsagain.

AsthethunderstartstorollinIscoopherupintomyarms,herlaughtergettinglostintherain,andjogto
thecabofmytruck.Notcaringabouttheshitgettingwetintheback.WhenIgettothepassengersiderear

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cabdoorIthrowitopen,placeherin,andwatchherclimbacrosstheseat,catchingaglimpseofherlace
pantiesunderherdress.Igroanthenfollowherin.

OnceIgetthedoorshutwelookateachotherthenburstoutlaughingandstartwipingtheexcesswater
fromourfacesandskin.IgrabanextraT-shirtfrommygymbagonthefloorandtossittohertowipeup
with.

“Ohmygoodness,Icannotbelievethatjusthappened.”She’sbreathlessfromourkissandtheexcitement
ofgettingcaughtintherain.MaybeIwaswrong.MaybethisisthemostbeautifulsightI’veeverseen.
Hell,IknoweverynewmomentwithEmberisthemostbeautifulthingI’veeverseen.Eachsmile,each
touch,eachlaughismorebeautifulthanthelast.

"What?"

IrealizeIwascaughtstaringather.“You’rebeautiful,”Ireplysmoothly.Sheblushes.AndthenI’mon
her.Unabletostopmyself.

Myfingersspanthesideofherneck,intoherhair,asmyhandscupherjaw.Insteadofdevouringherwith
aroughkiss,Itakemytime,slowitdown,andtreasureherlips.

Shematchesmestrokeforstroke,justasslowly.Theonlynoisesfillingthecabarethesoundsofour
breathing,ourkissing,andthedullroarofthepoundingrainaroundus.

Emberpullsawaytogulpinthesteamyairaroundus.Iforgothemuch-neededairtobreatheherin
instead.Idropmylipsdowntoherneck,nippingandkissingandlickingasIgo.Shegaspsthenmoans
whilemovingherhandsfromfistinginmyhair,totrailingdownmychest,tothefirstbuttononmydress
shirt.Shestartstounbuttoneachone,butIgetfrustratedandbringmyhandstoeachsideofthefabricand
pull.Buttonsflyashergigglesletloose.Thenherhandsdroptothehemofmyundershirtandshetugs.

IreachbehindandpullmyT-shirtfree,baringmychesttoher.AssoonasmyshirthitsthefloorI’m
pullingEmber’sdressuphergorgeousbody,overherhead,thentossingitrightalongwithmyshirts.

Shemovesin,handstomychest,lipstomine,andIlayherbackontothebenchseat.Drapingherlegs
overmine,asIstayseatedandleanintoher.

BeforeIutteraword,Igrabonesideofherblacklacepantiesandpull,shreddingthemfromherflushed
body.Shegaspsagain,jackingmydickevenharderthanithadbeen.Shearchesherbacktogivemeroom
tounclaspandremovehermatchinglacebra.Iobligewillingly.Assoonasshe’snakedbeneathme,
sprawledoutovermybackseat,Isitandstareathermagnificence.

“Iamoneluckysonofabitch.”Ibreatheout,foggingupthesteamed-upwindowsevenmore.“Imaynot
deserveyou,butI’mgoingtoshowyouhowmuchIneedyou.”

“Iloveyou,”shewhispers.Hereyesshiningbright,asmallsmileghostingherpoutylips,hertanskin
flushedwithneed.“Ineedyou,Kayson.”

AtthebreakinhervoiceIwastenotimeundoingmyjeans,slidingthemandmyboxersdownmylegs,
andkickingthemandmybootsoffontothefloor.IshiftasIspreadherlegsandsettlebetweenthem.

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Withtherainstillfallingaroundus,adullroaroutside.Withourloverenewedandempowered,
consumingusboth.Islideintoheaven,intohome,intomyeverything.

Emberplacesherhandstomyface,slidingherfingersthroughtotangleinmyhair.Myhandsbracemy
weightaboveher.Inthatcrampedspaceofthebackseatofmytruckwemoveinunison,asone.Iloveher
slowly,smoothly,tenderly.Shetakesmewholly,lovingly,unconditionally.Webothgetlostineach
other’seyes.Mygraytoherrichbrown.Wetelleachothereverythingwedon’tneedtosaywithone
look.

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CHAPTERSIXTEEN

-JULY-

KAYSON


"Let'sgotothebeach.Takeawalkdowntothepier.Putourtoesinthesand,"shesaysasshetriestopull
meupfromthecouch.ButjustasIclaspherhandtomakeitseemlikeIwanthertohelppullmeup,Ipull
herdownontopofme.

"Howaboutwestayinside?Hmmm?Icanthinkofathingortwowecouldfillourafternoonwith,"Isay
whilegrabbingEmber’slushassandnuzzlingherneck.Kissinguptoherearlobethennippingitgently.
Fuck,Icouldspendforeverrighthere.Justlikethis.

“KaysonWilliams.Youletmegorightnow.Getupandlet’sgospendtheafternoonenjoyingthis
beautifuldaylikeyoupromised,”shesassestome.Fuck,Ilovehersass.Shetossesitaroundonoccasion
anditmakesmehardasarock.Whichcompletelydefeatsthepurposeofhertryingtogetmetolistento
heranddowhatshewants.

“EmberMartinez.Getyoursweet,curvaceousbodyoverheresoIcandragyouupstairsandshowyou
howmuchIloveyou,”Isassrightbackwhilewagglingmyeyebrowsather.Knowingitwoulddraga
giggleoutofher.Anditdoes.Sodamnsweet,makingmeevenharder.

ThankGodforsummervacationandhermotherbeingawayatwork.MakesgettingtotakeEmberany
wayIwantabiteasier.Icantakehertoherbedroomandshedoesn’tneedtoholdanythingback.Hearing
herscreammynameoverandoverisdamnmusictomyears.IreallyneedtostopthinkingofthisshitifI
wantmyhard-ontogodownsowecangetoutofhere.

“Please,Kayson.Youpromised.Youremember,right?”sheaskswearilywithaslightfrownonher
beautifulface.Ahfuck.Ihateseeingthatdamnlookonherface.Thealltooknowinglookthatshowsme
shepaysmoreattentionthanI’vegivenhercreditfor.

Thingshavebeengood.Reallygood.I’vebeentryinglately.Tryingforher,forus.Tryingtobethebetter
manshedeserves.Andit’shelping.She’ssmilingmore,laughingagain,andactingmoreliketheEmber
fromwhenIfirstmether.ButI’mstillslipping.Stillsnortinglines,stillpoppingpills.Shejustdoesn’t
knowhowoften.

“Okay,baby,we’llgo.”Iconcede.“Gotossonthatsexy-as-fuckredbikiniyou’vegot.Actually,on
secondthought,don’tputthaton.Unlessyouwantmetokillsomefuckerforevenglancingatyou.”I
finishonagrowl.Thinkingofanydouchebagevenlookingathercausesmyfuckingbloodtoboil.

“Kayson.Shutup,”shesaysonalaugh.“Iamnotwearingadamnbikinianyway.Youknowthis.I’llbe
rightback.I’mgoingtorunupandchange,”shesays,smilingatmewhilejoggingupthestairs.Allowing
meaviewofherroundassbouncingupthestairs.Fineasfuck.

“Canyougrabthetowelsoffthekitchentableandputtheminthebagthat’sonthechair,babe?”she
hollersdowntomefromherbedroom.“Ithinkyourboardshortsarestillintherefromacoupleofweeks

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ago,too,”sheaddson.

Walkingovertothekitchentable,Ifindthetowelsandmyboardshorts.Itaketheshortsoutofthebag,
putthetowelsinit,andthenheadintothedownstairsbathroomtochange.LeavingthedooropensinceI
don’tgiveafuck,Idropmypantsandslideontheshorts.AsI’madjustingthepocketsIfeelsmooth
plasticinmyrightone.Myheartstallsthenjackhammers,knowingwhatI’mabouttofind,butnot
rememberingthatIputitthere.Shocker,dude.Whatdoyourememberlately?BesidesEmber.

Ipulltheplasticbaggieoutofmypockettoseealittlebitofwhitepowderandarolledupbillwithit.
Mypulsestartstothrumevenfaster,anticipatingtherushandeuphoricfeelingthatwillcomewith
snortingaline.

“Readytogo?”Ember,allofasudden,asksattheopendoor,surprisingme.Ithrowmyfistedhand
behindmybackandtrytomakeitlooklikenothingiswrong.

“Ahyeah,baby,”Istammerout.ClearingmythroatItryagain.“Sorry,justonesecond.Letmeusethe
bathroomfirstandthenwecango,”Isaytoherwhilekissingthesideofherhead,myhandstillbehind
myback,tryingtocontrolmyracingheart.

“Allright.Youokay,babe?Youlookabitflushed?”shequestionsme.Probablyconjuringupamillion
differentscenariosinherhead.Ineedtoeaseherworries,soItry.

“Fine,baby.Justhurrying,tryingtogettothebeachformygirl,”Ireply,tryingtoremaincalmknowing
whatI’mabouttodo.Addingmysignaturesmirkintothemix.Hopingthatitconcealsmylies.

Shegivesmeonelastwearylookthenclosesthedoorforme.OnceIhearherfootstepsstartwalking
awayIlockitasquietlyaspossible.Aftermakingsurethere’snowaysheheardtheclick,Ipullthe
baggiefrombehindmybackandtakeadeepbreath.Oneline.JustonelineandI’llbefine.

Icarefullyopenthebaggie,pullouttherolledupbill,thenpourthecokeontothebathroomcounter.Ipull
mywalletfrommypantspocket,grabmydriver’slicense,andthencuttheline.OnceIhaveitlinedup,I
puttherolledbilltomynoseandsnortashardasIcan.IlettheburnsettlewhileIholdmynostril,tipmy
headback,andlettheeuphoriasettlealready.

Iwipethecounterofanyresidue,slidemyfingerinmymouthalongmygums,andthenwashmyhands.
LookinginthemirrorIcheckmyfacetomakesurethereisnowhitepowderaroundmynose,drymy
hands,thenI’moutlookingformygirl.

****


IfeeljackedasfuckasIwalkhandinhandwithEmberbacktoherhousefromthebeach.Hermom’s
houseisonlyaboutafive-minutewalksoweoftendothatinsteadoftakingmytruck.

Wewereatthebeachforabouttwohours.Firstgettingsomelunchonthepier.Thenwewalkedabit
downthebeachtosecureanicesecludedspotwhereIcouldogleandgropemysexy-as-singirlfriendas
muchasIwanted.Myfavoritepart—gettingtorublotionalloverherdelectablebody.

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Emberreallydoesn’tknowhowbeautifullysexysheis,butItrytoremindheroftenwitheithera
compliment,atouch,orakiss.SowhilerubbingherdownImadesuretodoalotofreminding.

Afterapplyinghersuntanlotionandthenwatchinghersunbatheforaboutanhour,Idraggedherup,tossed
herovermyshoulderwithease,thenjoggeddowntothewater.Herlaughtertrailingbehindus,lightingup
mylife.Wesplashedandplayedinthesurfforalittlebit.Longenoughtocooloff,wrapherbodyaround
mewithahotmakeoutsession,thencooloffagain.

Nowwearedriedoff,re-dressed,andheadingbackuptoherhousefordinner.Idon’tspendmuchtimeat
mymom’ssoherhousehasbecomelikemyhomethesepastseveralmonths.Idon'tknowwhatEmber's
saidtohermomtomakeherokaywithallthetimeIspendthere.Especiallywithwhathasgonedown
thesepastfewmonths.ButI'mthankfulasfuckthatmygirlhasfoughtforus.

WithmythoughtsracingfromamixofanxietyandtheblowIsnortedafewhoursago,I’mbrought
crashingdowntorealitywhenIhearawolfwhistlefrombehindus.

IspinaroundsoquicklyIalmosttakeEmberdownwiththehandIamstillclutching.There,cruisingby
onastreetbike,issomefuckerpantingaftermygirlandwhistlingatherlikehecan’tseeme.Hecan’tbe
blindwhenhe’sdrivingabikeandoglingEmber’sbodyinhershort-as-fuckdenimskirtandtight-as-
second-skinwhitetanktop,Ithinktomyself,seethingatthisdouchenozzleforeventhinkinghecould
lookatherthatway.

Heslowsdownasheapproaches,yellingout,“Lookinggood,baby,”ashepassesby.Ilookoverto
Embertoseeherflushedredfromembarrassmentandbitingherthumbnailwithworry.SheknowsIam
abouttwosecondsawayfromflippingmyshit.

Whenthefuckerglancesmywayheflipsmethebird,andthatdoesit.Myadrenalinespikesandthecoke
stillcoursingthroughmyveinsdoesn’thelpmyrationalthought.IdropEmber’shandandstartsprinting
sofastIdon’tevenknowithappeneduntilIhearherscreamingmynamefaintly.Thestupidmotherfucker
isstoppedatthestopsignupahead,andrightbeforehetakesoffIhavehimtossedoffofhisbikeandI’m
ontopofhim.Beatingtheshitoutofhim.Landingablowtohisjaw,thenhisribs,thenbacktohisface.

WiththatfinalshotI’mpullinghisfaceclosertominebythecollarofhisshirtandseethingintoit.“You
listenhere,youstupidcunt.Thatgirlismine.Hearme?MINE.Youdon’tlook,youdon’twhistleather,
youdon’tevenfuckingthinkofwhatshelookslikewhenshe’scomingasI’mpoundingintoher.Youhear
me?”Isayinamadrageintohisstunnedface.

HegoestosaysomethingwhenIdeliveranotherblowtohisface.Hepushesmeoffofhim,getstohis
feet,andIshuffletomine,figuringhe’sgoingtocomeatme.Butinsteadhespitsoutthebloodfillinghis
mouthandshoutsatme,“Fuckyou,man!AllIdidwaswhistleather,youcrazymotherfucker.”

Withthosepartingwordshepicksuphisbike,jumpson,andridesoff.WhenIhearfootstepsbehindme,I
turntoseeEmbercautiouslywalkinguptome.Tearspouringdownherface,herbeautifulbodyshaking
withsobsasonehandcovershermouthtosilencethem.

Fuck.Ididitagain.


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EMBER

Whatwasturningouttobeanamazingdayatthebeachquicklyturnedintoanotherrage-filledevening.

EmbarrassedbythatbikerwhistlingatmeIthoughtwasbadenough.IknewKaysonwouldhavea
commentorshoutsomeobscenityathim,butIneverwouldhavethoughthe’dchargehimlikeabull.He
droppedmyhandandtookoffsofastIdidn’tevenhavetimetothink.ThenIwasscreaminghisname,
begginghimtoturnaroundandleaveitbe.

Butno,hewastooenragedtohearme.IhustledovertotrytostophimasIsawhimtaketheguydown
fromhisbike.ButasIapproached,thebikerwasalreadyshoutingatKaysonandridingaway.Leavinga
seething-madKaysonwithheavingshoulders,tryingtocatchhisbreath.

WhenhelookedoveratmeIsawtheregret,butIalsosawhispupils,thesizeofpinpoints,staringbackat
me,andIknew.Iknewhewasonsomethingagain,andIcan’tforthelifeofmefigureouthowImissedit
earlier.Ican’thelpbutwonderwhenhewouldhavehadtimetodoanythingwhenheseemedwithitthis
morning.Heseemedfinewhenhetookmeupagainstmybedroomdoor,afterrushingintomyhouseonce
mymomleftforwork.Heseemedfinewhenwewereatthebeachjustbeforethis.ButmaybeIdidn’t
wanttoseeit,becausehowcouldImissthesesignsagainandagainwithhim?

Nowwearestandingonthebackporchofmyhouse,arguingagain.Because,yetagain,hewentfrom
apologetictoarguingwithme.Belittlinganddemeaningmetomakeitseemlikemyfaultandnothis.

“Whydoyouhavetodresslikethis,huh?Likesomeslutwhodoesn’tgetenoughfromherman!”He’s
seethingmad,theveinpoppingoutofhisforehead,hispulsethrummingsohardIcanseeitpoundingin
hisneck.“DoInotgiveyoudickenough,Ember?DoInotmakeyoufeelfuckingtreasured?DoInotlick
yourpussyenough,makeyoucomeenough,worshipyourbodyenough?Well?”Heroars.

“Idon’tknowwhythisisallofasuddenanissuenow,Kase,”Isay,sobbingathiscruelty.“Youhadno
issuewithmyclothesearlier,whenIcamedownthestairs,whenwewalkedtothebeach,andwhenwe
walkedaroundonthepier.”

“Mymotherfuckingproblemisthatyoulooklikeafuckingslut,showingoffwhatismineandminealone.
Withthatshort-as-fuckskirtandtight-as-fuckwhitetanktopthatIcanseeyournipplespokingoutfrom.”

IcovermyarmsacrossmychesttomaskmyembarrassmentoverwhatIdidn’tknowcouldbeseen.“I
can’ttakethisanymore,Kayson!Ijustcan’t.Youerraticbehavior,yourcruelwords.Whathappenedto
theboyIfellinlovewith?Thisisn’thimstandinginfrontofme;insultingme,yellingatme.”

MysobbinghasturnednearhystericalandIgotostepbackinsidethroughtheslidingglassdoorswhen,
quickaslightning,Kaysonhasflippedaswitch.He’sonhisknees,layinghisforeheadtomytummy,
beggingmetoforgivehim.

“I’msosorry,baby.Shh,don’tcry.It’sokay.”He’stryingtosootheme,butit’shavingtheopposite
effect.

“Ididn’tmeananythingIjustsaid.”Hepleadswithme,liftinghisfacetogazeintomywateryeyes.The

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sobsstillrackingmybody.“IsweartoyouIdidn’tmeananyofit.Youlookbeautifuljustlikeyoualways
do.Thatdouchebagjustgotmegoing,whistlingandlookingatyoulikethat.”

Withthatheliftsfromhiskneesandslamshismouthtomine.Asifhecanerasethelasthourandactlike
itneverhappened.Heiskissingmeandholdingmelikehislifedependsonit.LikeI’mhisair,hiswillto
live,andIbecomeapuddleinhishands.Andjustlikeeverytimebeforethis,Iforgivehim.

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CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

-AUGUST-

KAYSON


Sinceourfightlastmonth,afterIblewupaboutthatcatcallingassholeandspewedmorevenomatEmber,
I’vehitadownwardspiralagain.Eversincethatoneline,afterafewweekswithoutany,I’vegoneback
tousingagain.AndIhatemyselfforit.I’mlyingagain.DeceivingEmber.I’mfallingdeeperanddeeper
everyday.

Ijustneedthisreleasethough.IknowIpromisedEmber.Again.ButIneedthis.Ineedtoforgetaboutmy
shittyfuckingmotherandourshittyfuckinghouse.Forgetaboutthebullshitshespewsatmealmostdaily
abouthowIfucked-upherlifeandhowI’llneveramounttoanythingjustbecauseshedidn’t.Ineedthisto
getawayfromEmber'sperfection,whichcausesmyguilttorise.Toforgetaboutourfutureandthe
responsibilitiesandthetimeawayfromherthatisboundtohappenwithherstillinhighschool.Ineed
thistoletlooseandforgetjustforafuckingminute.

SoItakeDeckeruponhisinvitetojointhishousepartyathisplaceanddragDamonwithme.

“Thisisnotagoodidea,bro.WhenEmberfindsout…”HetrailsoffwhenIgivehimadeathglare.

“Yeah,well,shewon’tfindoutaslongasyoukeepyourpansy-assmouthshut.”

“Youknowwhat,dude,I’vesatbackandletyoutearyourworldapart.I’vewatchedyoudragthatgirl
downwithyou,too.Youareluckyasshittohaveherandallyoudoiscontinuetofuckitup.Don’tcome
cryingtomewhentonightblowsupinyourface.”

“JesusChrist,Idon’tneedthisfromyou,youknowthat?Ihavetwofuckingpeopleinmylife,youbeing
oneofthem,canyoupleasejustkeepyourfuckingthoughtstoyourselfforonce?”

Damongivesalookof“whatthefuck”thathasmeapologizing.

“I’msorry.Ijustneedthis.IfeellikeI’mfuckingdrowning,man.”

“Everstoptothinkit’stheliesanddrugsdoingthistoyou?Notwhateverfuckingexcusesyoucomeup
withinyourfuckinghead.”We’rejustpullinguptoDecker’splacewhenheletsthatdigfly.

“Fuck,Damon.Ireallydon’tneedthislecturerightnow.Okay?”Idon’tevenlethimanswerbecauseas
soonasIfinishaskingI’malreadyclimbingdownfrommytruckandslammingthedoorshut.

“Yo,dude,I’msorry.Ijustknowthisnightisn’tgoingtogowellandeventhoughyou’remybrother,
Emberismyfriend.Andifsheknewyouwerehereinsteadofatmyplacelikeshethinks,Iknowshe’d
fliphershit.”

“Well,likeIsaidbefore.Shewon’thaveaclueaslongasyoukeepyourmouthshut.Solet’sgoinsideso
Icanletlooseabit,thenwecango.”Ijustneedthisrelease,justthislittlebitoftimetounwind.

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EMBER

DamoncalledandsaidtomeethimatDecker’shouse.HegavemetheaddressandIcouldn’thelpbut
wonderwhytheheckKaysonwouldwanttobeatDecker’shouse.Hehateshim.Plus,Kaysontextedme
earliertotellmehe’dbeatDamon’shousesincehismomwasonanotherbender.

DamonalsowarnedmethatIwouldn’tbehappy.Nothappyisfindingmyboyfrienddrunkwhenhe’s
supposedtobestayingsober.NothappyisfindingoutthatmyboyfriendgotintoanotherfightwithDecker
andI’mherewithmygirlstopickhimup.ButwhatIwalkinonisn’tsomethingthatIwouldn’tbehappy
about.WhatIwalkintoseeissomethingthatisgoingtoirrevocablychangemylifeforever.

Iwalkthroughthefrontdoor,crossthehallintotheopeningofthekitchen,andit'sasifmyworldhas
stopped.Crash-landedtoanabrupthalt.Andisimplodingandexplodingallaroundme.Hecannotbe
doingthistome.

There,leaningagainstthefarwallnearthebar,barelyabletostandwithajointtohislips,ismy
boyfriendwithsomehalf-dressedfloozyhangingalloverhim.Hehasonearmdrapedoverhershoulder
ashekeepsthejointinhismouthandonegrippingherassfordearlife.Thisgirlisalloverhim.Rubbing
andgropingandpracticallydryhumpinghiminaroomfullofpeople.

DamonseesmeenterbeforeKaysondoesandhe'srushingoverbeforeIcanrunbackouttoSamand
Traceyandmygetawaycar.Theyofferedtocomewithme,justincase.Ineverwouldhavefathomedthis
wasthe‘justincase.’

"Itisn'twhatyouthink.He'sdrunkandhighasfuckrightnow.Sooutofithedoesn'tevenknowwhathe's
doing.He'scalledherEmbermorethanonce,”hesays,eyespleadingwithmetotakesomepityand
understandingonhisfriend.

"Isthatsupposedtomakemefeelbetter,Damon?"Iask,tremblingandstiflingasobwithahandtomy
mouthwhenIwatchinhorrorasthisslutputsherlipstoKayson’sneckasshepullsthejointfromhis
lips.Thenslipsitintoherstotakeapuff.

"No,ofcoursenot,Em.That'snotwhatImeant.I'mjustsayinghethinksit'syou.I'vetriedtostophim.
Triedtotellhim,butheissofargoneIcan’tgetthroughtohim.That’stheonlyreasonIcalledyou.”He
flincheswhenherealizeswhatheletslip.“I’msorry,butIwouldn’thavecalledifIdidn’tthinkyou
couldhelp,Em.Youknowthat.”

"WhatamIsupposedtodo?”Icryout.“He’scheatingonme,Damon!Orwellonhisway.OhmyGod,I
looklikesuchafool,”Iexclaim,asIthrowmyhandsuptocovermyface.Thetearsfallingfreelyatthis
point.Nothingstoppingthem.

“Ican’tdothisanymore,”IsayasIturnaway.ButbeforeImakeittothedoorDamonstopsmewitha
handtomyupperarm.

"Em,youdon't—"

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"No,Ido.Lettinghimtreatmethisway.Lettinghimwalkallovermeandtakeadvantageofmytrusttime
andtimeagain,”Icuthimoff.

“Hewon’tsurviveifyouleavehim,Ember,”herepliessoftly.

“Yeah,well,heshouldhavethoughtofthatbeforehechosetoruinus.Again.”AndwiththatIslamthe
door.


KAYSON

"Dude,stepthefuckback!Yourgirlfriendjustranoutofhereinafuckingsobbingmessbecauseofyou."

"Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout,Emberisrighthere,"Isay,lookingdownather.OrwhoIthought
washer.

"Ikeeptellingyoumynameisn'tEmber.Myname'sMaggie.Fuck,you'rewhippedbythatfat,uglybitch,”
saysawhinyvoicethatdefinitelydoesnotbelongtomygirlfriend.

Whatthefuck?

"Watchwhatthefuckyousayabouther!Youhearme,youslut?"Damonrespondsformesincemybrainis
afuckingpileofmushsloshingaroundinmyheadrightnow.

"Iamnotaslut!"shewhines.Actuallystompingherfoot.

"Ohyeah?Thenwhatthefuckareyoudoingoverheredryhumpinghimlikeabitchinheatwhenyou
knowhehasagirlfriend?Yeah,that'swhatIthought,nowgetlost."

"Dude,whatthefuckisgoingon?"I’mslurringeachwordsobadlyIcanbarelyunderstandwhatI’m
saying.Soit’sasurpriseDamoncan.

"WhatthefuckisgoingonisthatEmberjustranoutofhereacryingmessbecauseofyou!"hesays,
pokingmychest.

"Ohfuck!"

AsIslurmylastwordthefrontdoorburstsopenandinstormSamandTracey.

Fuckme.

“Swallowsomedynamite,whore!”Traceyyellsasshestompsuptothewhinyslutwhoisstillhanging
around.Eveninmyfucked-upstateIknowtokeepthemapart.Butbecauseofthedrugsandalcohol
floodingmysystemItaketoolongtoreact.

ThankGodDamonistherethough,wrappinghisarmsaroundherwaist,pullingherback.Thatslut,
whateverhernameis,triestoslapTracey,butIamabletointerceptandtaketheblowtomychest.

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Ishouldhavebeenpayingattentionthough.IfIwasIwouldhaveseenSamcomingatmewithherright
armcocked.Iwouldhaveseenherthrowhertinyfisttomyface.AndIwouldhaveexpectedthehittomy
jaw.

ButIwasn’t,soIdidn’t,andmandoesshehaveonemeanrighthook.

IshakemyheadandtrytocatchmybearingswhenSamstartsspoutingoffrightaway.Callingmeevery
nameinthebook.

“Younogood,lying,cheatingsonofacunt!Whatthefuckdoyouthinkyou’redoing,fuckface?Letting
thisSTD-riddledcumbucketofawhoreruballuponyou,huh?Doesthatmakeyoufeellikeabigman?
Havingthischickwho’sriddenmoredicklikeapogostickthanallofthechicksatPleasantBeachHigh
combined?”

“FuckingChrist!IthoughtitwasEmber.I’msofuckedIdon’tevenknowwhatthefuckI’msaying.”And
it’strue.Ican’tevenrememberwhatIsaidtoher.

“Youseemprettyfinetome,asshole.”

“IsweartofuckingChrist,IthoughtitwasEm.Iwouldnevercheatonher.Ever.Ifuckingloveher.”I
pushoffthewallIwasleaningagainst.Panicstartstoshootthroughmydrug-addledveins.“Fuck,she
thinksIcheatedonher.Ineedtogettoher.Now!”

Istarttostaggerthroughthekitchen,makingmywaytothehallwayandclosertothefrontdoorwhenSam
andTraceystepinfrontofme.

“Nofuckingway,asshole.Stepthefuckback.”SamstartstopushonmychestwhenItrytomovepast
them.

“No,Ineedtogettoher.Ineedtoexplain.SheneedstoknowIfuckingloveherandwouldnever—”

TraceycutsmeoffbeforeIcanfinish.“Giveitup,Kayson.Youfucked-up.Thistimemaybetoobadlyto
evenrecover.”

Mylegsalmostgiveout.NowaywillIletthistearusapart.Itcan’t.She’llunderstand.Shehasto.Right?

“Comeon,Tracey.WeneedtogettoEmber.Shejustsentmeatext,fromthecar.Hell,shemustbea
completemess.”

Myheartcracksopen.Mygirl,upsetbecauseofme.

WhatthefuckhaveIdone?

“AndImeanit,Kayson.Staythefuckawayfromher.Shedoesn’tneedthisanymore.Shedoesn’tneed
you.”

Withthatpartingshot,SamandTraceywalkthroughthefrontdoor,slammingitbehindthem,takingmy
chancesofmakingthingsrightwithEmber,withthem.

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CHAPTEREIGHTEEN

KAYSON


Iamaselfishbastard.Iwanttokeepher,loveher,possessher.Ineedher.Embermakesmeabetterman
eventhoughmyactionsmakeitseemotherwise.EvenaftereverythingI’veputherthrough—thefights,the
drugs,thehurtfulwords,myarrest.Evenafterallofthatshestillmakesmeabettermanbecauseshe
givesmeareasontoholdon.

ButIcan’tdothistoheranymore.Ican’tdragherdown.Killherdreams.Dimherlightwithmydarkness.
AndthatisexactlywhatIamdoing.Thepartytheothernightisproofofthat.Itfinallymademerealize
howfarIhadgone.OnceIsoberedup,ofcourse.

Ican’tkeepdoingthistoher.Draggingherdownwithme.Bringingmybullshitinsecuritiesanddarkness
andproblemsintoourrelationship.Ineedtobethebiggerpersonandputherfirst.ButtheonlywayI’m
goingtobeabletodothatistomakeherthinkIdon’twantheranymore.BecauseifIsimplyjusttryto
endthingsIknowshe’llfightforme,forus,justlikeshehasthroughthispastyear.I’mgoingtohaveto
breakherandmakeherbelievethatIcheatedonherwhenIdidn’t.Ihavetobreakherenoughtomakeher
leave.

SotodayIdothehardestthingI’veeverhadtodo.Iwalkaway,lethergo,andmakeherthinksheisn’t
myentireworld.Thatmyworlddoesn’trevolvearoundher.Thatsheisn’teverythingtome.

TodayIdestroymyfuture,shattermyheart,andfalldeeper.

TodayIclosethedooronus.

EMBER

“Whydidn’tyoutellusithadgottenthisbad?”Traceyasks,assherubsalongmybackwhileIlaymy
headinSam’slap.Sobsrackingmybody,myhandscradlingmyflatstomach.

“Iwassoashamed.”Ihiccupout.“IwasjustsoashamedthatIwasallowinghimtotreatmethatway,but
Ijustcouldn’tleave.Icouldn’tgiveup.Istillcan’t.”

“Youaresomuchbetterthanhowyoulethimtreatyou,Em.”Sam’svoiceissoftassherunsahand
throughmylong,darkhair.“Hedoesn’tdeserveyou,babe.Hedoesn’tdeserveallthatloveyouhave
insideyou.”

Tearscontinuetofallfreelydownmyface,soakingthroughtheblanketcoveringSam’slapasweall
huddleonmybed.“Idon’tknowwhatI’mgoingtodo.Afterthatparty,andknowingwhatIknow,what
amIgoingtodo?”

“Youneedtotalktohim,”Traceywhispersintotheroom.

Inodmyheadinunderstanding.“IknowIdo.I’mjustsoscaredofeverything.Whathehastosay,whatI
havetotellhim,andhowhe’sgoingtoreact.”

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WhenIsitupIbrushthehairoutofmyfaceandlookatmytwobestfriends.Tearsfillingbothoftheir
eyes.Theirsadnessalmostmatchingtheagonyrollingthroughme.

“Ineedtogonow,beforeIchickenout.BecauseifIdon’t,IknowIwon’t.”Igraboneofthewadded-up
tissuesfrommynightstandandtrytowipethenonstoptearsfrommyface.

“Letmedriveyou,”SaminterjectsasIrummageformyflip-flops.

“No,please.”Iplacemyhandononeofherstostophermovements.“Icouldusethewalktoclearmy
head,andI’dreallyliketodothisalone.Iknowifyoucome,Imaynotletyouleave.”

Shenodsheragreement,butdoesn’tlookhappyaboutit.NeitherdoesTracey.

IttakesmeabouttenminutestowalktoKayson’shouse.I’matremblingmess.Sicktomystomachabout
whatI’mgoingtolearnhappenedtheothernight,andsicktomystomachtohavetotellhimwhatIlearned
yesterday.Idon’tknowhowhe’sgoingtoreactwhenIdon’tevenknowhowIfeel.Everythingisa
completemess.

Walkinguptohisdoor,ItrytocalmmyselfdownbeforeIknock.WhenI’mslightlycalmer,Iknock,
waitingonhisdoorstep.Stillshaking,stillsicktomystomach,stillnervousashell.Ihavetoknockagain
beforeheanswers.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Hisvoiceishard,detached.

What?That’snotthereceptionIthoughtI’dgetatall.Iexpectedshockformejustshowingup.Maybe
somegrovelingrightaway,becausefromwhatIheardfromthegirlsandDamon,hewasbrokenupabout
howIlefttheparty.Butno,insteadhelooksangry.

“Umm,Ithoughtweshouldtalkabouttheothernight.AndIhavesomethingIneedtotellyou.CanIcome
in?”He’sstandingatthedoor,blockingtheentry.

“Ireallydon’tthinkthat’snecessary.Idon’tthinkyou’llbeherethatlong.”

“Whatdoyoumean?Weneedtotalk.”Iamsoconfusedrightnow.Confusedandhurt.

“Yeah,well,wecantalkrighthere.Whatdoyouneed?”Hecrosseshisarmsoverhischest.Takinga
defensivestance.

“Kayson,whatthehell?”

“Whatthehellwhat,Ember?Whatthefuckdoyouneed?Spititout.”

“Iju-justwantedtotalkaboutwhathappenedtheothernightattheparty.Thegirlstoldmeitgotpretty
heatedafterIleft,andIthoughtwecouldcleartheair.”Myeyesstartfillingwithtears.Myfacestartsto
burn.Icanseetheshiftinhim.

“Cleartheairaboutwhat?ThatIcheatedonyou?”Hiseyesgrowhard.“Yeah,Idid.Didyoureallythink
Ididn’tdoanythingwithher,Ember?Really?”

Myheartshattersrightthereathisdoorstep.

Whyishedoingthis?

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“Yeah,Imayhavebeenprettyfuckingmessedup,butIknewwhatIwasdoing.Iwashighandhornyand
thatslutwasthere.SoItookadvantage.Itisn’tlikeyou’vebeengivingituplately.SoIhadtogetit
elsewhere.”

Ifonlyheknew…OhmyGod.Howcanhebedoingthis?Andnowaftereverything.

Helooksalmostlikehefeelsbad.Butthenthewallsslamdownandhiseyesturntosteel.

“Wh-whyareyoudoingthistome?T-tous?”Icanbarelycatchmybreath.“Howcouldyouhavedone
this?”

I’mfrantic.Hecan’tmeanthis.Hecan’tbeserious.Hewouldn’tdothistome.Wouldhe?Notafter
everythingwe’vebeenthrough.Notafterallthefightingwe’vedonetostaytogether.

“Ithoughtyoulovedme,thatyoucouldn’tlivewithoutme,thattherewouldneverbeanyoneelse?”

“Yeah,wellyouthoughtwrong,Ember.Thisclearlyisn’tworkingout.Fromdayonewe’vebeentoxic.
It’stimetocallitquits.Youcouldn’treallyhavethoughtwe’dlastforever?”

“Butyousaid—”

“Isaidalotofthingsandthingschange.”

Hestandsthereathisopendoorlookingdownatme.VacantlystaringatmelikeIdon'tfuckingexist,like
I'mastranger.Lookingatmeasifwedidn'tsharethisamazingyeartogether.Buildingdreamsofafuture.
Ayearoffierypassiontoointenseforourage,butrealandoursallthesame.AllthewhileI’mshattering
andbreakingandsplinteringintoamillionpieces.

Don'tyouremember?Don'tyourememberthegoodtimesandhowgoodwewere?Tooscaredtovoice
mysorrowsandpleasaloudforfearoffurtherrejection.

Ican’thelpbutfeelatfaultforthis.EventhoughhemadeeverymistakeandIkepttakinghimback,Istill
feellikeIcouldhavepreventedthis.ItwasasifIwasthecatalysttohisdownfall.Themostpopularguy
inschoolturnedultimatebadboy.Captainofthefootballteamturneddruguser.Tradinginhishonorroll
reportcardforarapsheet.He’sright.Wearetoxictogether.Itwasasifweweredoomedfromthe
beginning.AndwhileIwasholdingonfordearlife,hewaslettingmegowithoutafight.Anentireyear
offightingtheodds,ofprovingpeoplewrong,provingthatdespiteourissues,ourlovewouldalwayspull
usthrough.

ButintheendIguesstheywereright.

“Goodbye,Ember.”

Andwithonelastglanceheclosesthedoor,holdingtheshatteredpiecesofmyheart.

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PartTwo

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CHAPTERNINETEEN

-MARCH-

FOURYEARSLATER

EMBER

Clearingmythroatofsadnessafteryetanothermemoryandthoughtsofwhatcouldhavebeenclaimme,I
trytospeakupagain,"Okay,kids.Settledownplease.Thenextwordis...."

Afaintnoisehasmepausingmomentarily.

Thewindmusthavecaughtanotherclassroom'sdoor.

Shakingmyheadofthatthought,IgotocontinuewhenIheartheloudthudofheavybootsandmetal
clanking.Together,theyechothroughthehallways.

That’sodd.

Myclassroomisthefirstroomafterthefrontdeskandprincipal'sofficesofrequentfoottrafficpassesby.
Butclasseshavebeeninsessionforalmostanhournow,soit'srareforsomeonetobewanderingthe
hallsatthistime.Isupposeitcouldbeavisitor,buttheincessantchatterofourprincipal,Mrs.Roberts,
ismissing,assheusuallyescortsvisitorsthroughoutthehalls.Soitcan'tbeher.It'sstilltooearlyforthe
janitor,too.He'stheonlypersonIcanthinkofwhowouldmakesucharacketwithhiscleaningsupplies.

JustasI'mabouttocontinueonagain,terrorthrashesthroughmyveinswhenIhearthedistinctsoundofa
shotgunbeingfireddownthehallway.

Fear.Ice-coldfearfreezesmeinplace.Fearforwhatthiscouldmean.Fearforthesechildrenwhohave
becomemylife.

MyfirstthoughtisthatIneedtokeepthesekidssafe.Instinctandtrainingkickin,andI'mshushingthe
kidsastheystarttogetagitatedwhileImovethemtothebackofourclassroomasquietlyaspossible.
TryingtokeepthemcalmwhileinsideI'mfrantic.

Myheartisburstingwithterror,mybodytremblingwithfear.I'mtryingtoholditallin.Myfear.My
panic.Mydesperation.Overtheveryrealpossibilitythatthisdaycouldchangetherestofourlives
forever.

AssoonasIhavethemallgatheredintothebackalcoveoftheroom,promisingthemapromiseImaynot
beabletokeep,IturnbackaroundtoscantheemptydeskstomakesureIhaven'tmissedanyone.
ReleasingabreathIdidn'trealizeIwasholding,IbreatheadeepsighofreliefthatI'vegatheredthemall.

Alltoosoonmyreliefquicklyfades,whenIhearasmashingsoundsofierceitrattlesthewalls.

Iturnquicklyasthedooriskickedopen,andatoweringfigureinallblackwearingaskimaskbusts
throughthedoor."MissMartinez,Ipresume?"Hequestionsashesneersatme,standinginthedoorway,
liftingtheshotgunhe'scarryingtoaimatme.

OhmyGod,thiscannotbehappening!Whywouldanyonewanttoputchildrenindangerlikethis?
Whoisthismananyway?Ican'tevenfathomwhyanyonewoulddothis.Think,Ember,think.

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"Whoareyou?"Stammersoutofme,givingawaymypanic.I'mtryingtostaycalm,asIhearthekids
screamingandcryingbehindme.Sobbingintotheirtinyhandswhiletheyhuddletheirtinybodies
together.Thesekidsneedmetostaystrong,Iremindmyself.Butit'salmostimpossibletostopmyshaking
bodyandthetearsfromwellinginmyeyes.

"Justhandovermykidandnooneelsewillgethurt,"hebarksouthisreply.Twitchingandscanningthe
groupbehindme,lookingforhischild.

SteelingmyresolveIreply,"Youaren'tleavingherewithanyone.Solet'sjuststaycalm.We'llwork
somethingout.Nobodyneedstogethurt."

"I'meitherleavingherewithmysonorinabodybag.Thelatterisn'tevenanoption,bitch,sohandhim
overandwe'llleavewithoutanyoneelsegettinghurt."

"Whatdoyoumean'anyoneelse'?"Iquestion,butrealizationsoondawnsonmethathesomehowhadto
getbyMrs.Robertsandtheschoolsecretary,Mrs.Dillow.

Anotherwaveofterrorwashesoverme.

"Stupidbitchesupfrontwouldn'tletmein.Hadtotakemattersintomyownfuckinghands."Hegruntsand
twitches."Iwantmyfuckingkid,andthenI'llbegone.Noharmdone.Justgivememyfuckingkid,"he
roarsashestartstowalkclosertome.Causingthekidsbehindmetocryoutevenlouder.Theyare
wailingandsobbingandscreaming,makingithardtothink.

Ineedtoprotectthem.Ineedto.

"Stopfuckingdelayingandhandovermyfuckingkid!He'smine.Mine.Youhearthat,youstupidwhore?
MINE!Youain'tgettinginthewayofmeandmyboy.Myslutofanex-wifealreadytriedthat,andthat's
whyI'mhere.Handlingshitmyway."

Instinctstartstokickinagainandrationalthoughtsstarttopenetratemyfrazzledmind.

HowcanImakeittomydesktomycellphonewithoutcausingchaos?ShouldIjusttrytotakehim
downmyself?ButthenwhowillprotectthechildrenifI’mnotableto?

Thesethoughtsarebuzzingthroughmyheadatarapidrate.I'mtryingtodeterminewhatwouldbethebest
option,butpanicanddreadfinallytakeholdofmyentirebodyasalittlevoicespeaksupbehindme.
"Dad?"

IspinaroundsofastIswearIgetwhiplash.FearunlikeanythingI'vefeltinalongtimecrashesoverme
likeatidalwavewhenIseelittleDannyBoylesattempttosteparoundthegroupofhishuddled,sobbing
classmates.

Thismanisclearlyunstable;heisnottakinghim.

IspeakupbeforeDannycantakehisfirststep."Danny,sweetheart,staywhereyouare."

Liftinghisskimaskfromhisface,IgetagoodlookattheagitatedMr.Boyles."Hey,son.Whydon'tyou
comeonovertomesowecangetoutofhere?Huh?Howabouticecreamandminigolf?I'vemissedyou.
Itcouldbelikeoldtimes,"hepleads,hisdark,menacingeyessofteningalittle,buthestillraiseshisgun

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high.Asifhe'sgoingtotakeaimatanyonewhotriestointerfere.

Overmydeadbody.

AsDannystartstosteparoundme,Ithrowmyarmouttostophim.Toprotecthim.Ineedtokeephim
safe.

Hisfathergearsuptoroaranotherdemandwhenthesoundofsirensblaresfromtheopenwindow.My
stomachdrops.

Excitementanddreadwageabattlewithinme.ButdreadwinsoverwhenDanny'sfatherstartspacing.
He'spacingandmutteringtohimself.Grippinghisnowvisiblelightblondhairinatightfist.Pullingit
awaywithclumpsfallingout.

Thekidsbehindmestartscreamingandsobbingevenlouder.Mybodystartstovisiblyshakewiththefear
thathasfinallyconsumedme.IfIthoughtDanny'sfatherwasfranticbefore,thatpalesincomparisontothe
manicstatehe'sinnow.

"Youfuckingcunt!"Heroars."Youcalledthepolice!"He'sjackedupandagitated.Aterrible
combination,becauseifhewasrationalhe'drealizeI'vehadnotimetocallthepolice.Mycellphoneis
atmydeskwhilehe'shadmehostagethiswholetime.

BeforeIcaneventhink,hepumpshisshotgunandfiresofftworoundsintotheceiling,causingdebristo
fallallaroundus.Whenhegoestoletoffanotherround,aresoundingclickisheardoverthechaotic
screamsandcries.

Whenherealizesthathe’soutofammo,awholenewlevelofrageconsumeshim.“Motherfucker!”He
throwsdownhisshotgunthenpicksupthefirstdeskinhisreachandallhellbreaksloose.

Hebeginsflingingandtossingdeskafterdesk.Liftingandtossingthemasiftheyweighnomorethana
feather.Woodsplintersareflying,screwsarericochetingoffeverysurface,andthemetallegslandina
heapallovertheroom.Thenoisesaredeafeningbetweenthescreamingandsobbing,thewailingand
panic,thesmashingandcrashing.

Myonlythoughtsaretokeepthesekidssafe.Ineedthemtobesafe.SoIattempttotalkhimdownagain.

"Mr.Boyles..."Istartbutamhaltedwhenhewhipsadeskoverhishead,takingaimatme.

Thinkingofonlythekids,Imovetowardthemasthedeskisheadingforthehuddledmassoftheirtiny,
shakingbodies.Thankfully,thedesklandsnexttomeinacrumpledmess,justasImakeitinfrontofthe
closelypackedgroup.IspinquicklyoncethedeskissettledtoseeMr.Boylesunholsterhishandgunat
hisside.AgunIdidn’tnoticehehad.

Ohno.

Acommotiontowardthedooroftheclassroomhasmeswingingmyheadthatwaywhileactingasa
shieldasbestasIcanbetweenthegunmanandmystudents.

"Dropthefuckinggun,motherfucker!"Damonroarsasherushesthroughthedoor."Dropthefuckinggun
andputyourhandswhereIcanseethem!"

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AsenseofsecuritywashesovermewhenIhearthevoiceofmyex'sbestfriendturnedpoliceofficer.

It'ssuddenlyshatteredwhenIhear,"Isaiddropthefuckinggun.KeepyourhandswhereIcanseethem.
No!"

AsIhearDamonscreamingacrosstheroom,IlooktoMr.Boylestoseehimlifthisarmandtakeaim.

Atme.

AllofasuddenIfeelasearingpainripthroughmyshoulder.Thenmystomach.Ineverevenheardthe
explosionofthebulletsastheyleftthechamber.

ThenI'mdown.BlackdancesaroundmyeyesasIhearanothergungooff.Prayingforthisalltobeover.

Consciousnessisslippingaway.AllIfeelnowisnothingness.

Desolation.

ThenflashesofafutureIalwaysdreamedofdancebehindmyheavyeyelids.Dreamsofafuturewiththe
manI'llneverhave.Withachildthatwastakenfromme.Onewhowouldhavebeenfouryearsoldtoday.
Whocouldhavebeensittinghereinthisveryroom.

WiththatlastthoughtIwhisperasilent,"HappyBirthday"tothelittleboythatneverhadthechanceto
liveandletthedarknesstakemeunder.

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CHAPTERTWENTY

KAYSON

“Isither?”Ishoutfranticallyintothephone.Ithastobe.HowmanyotherEmberMartinezescantherebe
inPleasantBeach,SouthCarolina.

Damontakestoolongtorespond.Likeonefuckingsecondtoolong,andIsnap.

“Damon!Listentome,motherfucker.Youneedtoanswerme.ANSWERME!”IroarintothephoneasI
pacemysmallone-bedroomapartment.TheTVstillflashingthebreakingnewsreportoftheschool
shooting.Thelistofvictims,bothkilledandinjured,scrollingacrossthebottom.Bothfearandaburning
fuckingrageI’veneverfeltbefore,swirlinmyveins.

“Dude,calmthefuckdown.Now!”Damonspeaksharshlybutquietlyashereplies.“Yes,itisEmber.
She’sinsurgerynow—”

Icuthimoffbeforehecanevenfinish.“Surgery?Whatthefuckfor?”I’mtremblingnow,andevenIcan’t
hidethehitchinmyvoice.IstoppacingasIwaitforhisresponse.

“Kase,man,shewasshot."Icanhearhimtryingtoholdbackthesympathy,rage,andsorrowthatare
clogginghisthroat.

Iresumemypacing.

"Yousawthelistofvictims,that’swhyyoucalled.Now,letmefinishbeforeyouexplodeagain,okay?”
heasks,butcontinuesonbeforeIcanrespond.“Shewasshot.Twice.Onetotheshoulderandonetothe
abdomen.”

“JesusChrist,”Imutter.IfonlyIwasthere,ifonlyIhadreturnedhomelikeIshouldhaveyearsago.I
couldhavebeentheretohelpher,saveher,maybeevenprotecther.I’manEMTforChrist’ssake,butI
wasafuckingcowardandwaited.

Wellnofuckingmore.

Damonbreaksthroughmythoughtsandcontinues."Fuckerdidn’tlistenwhenIstormedthroughtheopen
doorway.Hewasgoingbatshit-fuckingcrazydestroyingtheroom.Butassoonashesawmesomething
shiftedinhiseyes...”Hetrailsoff,seemingtogetlostinhishead,inthememoriesfromearlierintheday.
Hetakesadeepbreaththroughtheline.“I’msorry,Kayson.Itriedtostophim.Idid.Buthepulledhis
gunsofastIcouldn’tgethimdownintime.”

Thistimeheletshisemotionstakeover.Letsmehearhisvoicebreak.

Iblowoutadeepbreath,tryingtoreininmyemotions."Iknow,Damon.Iknow,"Isayquietly."Iknow
youdidthebestyoucouldbecausethat'swhoyouare."

"Yeah,well,mybestwasn'tenough."Ihearthedefeatinhisvoice,spikingmyangerevenmore.Because
eventhoughIleftmyentirelifebehindinPleasantBeach,heneverstoppedbeingmybrother.Twoyears
ago,whenmyaddictionalmosttookmylifeandIwokeupwantingtochangeit,Damonhelpedme.No
questionsasked.Evenaftertwoyearsofminimalcontact.Iknowthetypeofmanheis,adamngoodone.

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BeforeIcantellhimexactlythathecutsin,"Look,Iwanttocheckinwiththefrontdeskoncemorebefore
Ileave.Ihaveashit-tonofpaperworktodostillsoIneedtogetgoing.AssoonasIhearanythingIwill
callyou."

IalmostpullmyphoneawaytocheckI'mstilltalkingtoDamon.Nowaydidhesaythat.Callme?"No
need.I'mcomingtonight."Fuckingoutragedhe'dthinkotherwise.

"Kase,man..."Hesoundsexasperated."That'snotagoodidea.Youhaven'tseenEmberinfouryears.
Four.Years."Hestressesthelasttwowordsbeforecontinuing."Youdidnotendongoodterms,she's
finallymovingonandhealing,andnowshe'sgoingtohavethistorecoverfrom."

Ignoringthecommentaboutfinallymovingonandhealing,mybloodpressurespikesandIlayintohim.
"Damon,listentomeandlistentomegood.Idon'tgiveafuckifit'sbeenfourminutes,days,oryears.My
girlwasfuckingmauleddownandshottoday.Fuckingshot.SoI'mdonefuckingwaiting.I'vefinally
gottenmylifeundercontrolandnooneistellingmeIcan'tdrivedownandseeher.Shemaynotwantto
seeme,butI'llcrossthatfuckingbridgewhenIgettoit."Yeah,callinghermygirlmaybeafarstretch,
butshe'salwaysbeenmine.AndfuckhimforthinkingI'djustsitidleandnotdoafuckingthing.I’monly
threehoursfromPleasantBeach;nothingisstoppingmefrommakingthedrivetoseeEmber.

"I'mtoofuckingtired,toofedupwiththeday,andhavetoomuchfuckingworktodostilltoworryabout
youstormingingunsblazing.I'mtellingyouthisisn'tagoodidea.Iknowyou'lldowhateverthefuckyou
want,butknowI'mtellingyou,Idon’tthinkyoushoulddothis.Yougotme?"

"Yeah,Igotyouandyou'reright."Itakeapause.

"Oh,thankfuck,you'reactuallygoingto—"

Icuthimoff."IamgoingtodowhateverthefuckIwant,andwhatIwantistogettoEmber.SoI'llsee
youinafewhours."

"Fuck!"Hemuttersunderhisbreath."Yeah,yeah,yeah,seeyouinafewhours."Hehangsupbeforeeven
sayinggoodbye.

Itossmycelltothekitchentable,blowoutadeepbreath,andbracemyhandsontheflatsurface.Ihang
myheadasmemoriesstarttohauntme.Ember'sbeautifulsmilingface.Thetearstrackingdownherface
thedayofourfirstfight.Thefirsttimewemadelove.ThedayIbrokeherdownwhenIendedourfuture.
ThetwoyearsIlettheboozeandcokeandpillsconsumeme,almostkillme.

Thenthelasttwoyearswithoutherfilterin.DamoncomingtomyfuckingrescuethatdayIwokeupinthe
hospital.Therehabandwithdrawals.Thedailystruggletostaycleanandgetonwithmylife.Everyday,
everysinglefuckingday,missingEmberwithmywholebeing.Wonderingifshewasokay,ifshemoved
on,ifshewenttocollege.AndalwayswishingIcouldmakemywaybacktoher.

FUCK!

MorethananythingdoIwishIcouldhavegottenthefuckingcouragetoreturnhome,returntoEmber,and
fixus.Takebackwhatwasmine.Especiallynow.

ThinkingofEmberscaredandfightingforherlife,Ifinallysnap.Chestheaving,bloodboiling,aredmist

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comingovermyeyes.Ifuckingloseit.Iswipebotharmsalongthetabletopandclearitofallthejunk
that'saccumulated.Thesmashingofdirtydishesandglassringingoutthroughtheair,fuelingmyrage.

Thenwithallmystrengthonaroar,Iflipthefuckingthing.Takingoutchairswithit.Theloudsmashof
thewoodtabletopbreakingagainstthefloor,maskedbytherushofbloodpumpingthroughmyveins.It's
stillnotenough.Therageandthepainarestillconsumingme.

SoIspin,lookingtocreatemorewreckage,whenIspotalonediningchairremainingtowardmyright.
QuickasawhipIsnatchitupandsmashitagainstthenearestwall.

Thewallgivingwaytoagapingholeandsprayingdrywallallovertheplace.

Woodsplinteringandrainingdownaroundme.

Thewoodcrackinginmytensegrip.

AsIstandtherewithachairlegleftinmyhands,mycheststillheaving,ItossittothefloorasIcollapse
againsttheislandthatseparatesthekitchenandsmalldiningroom.PainripsthroughmychestasI
envisionEmber,bloodiedandterrifiedonherclassroomfloor.

MylegsgivewayandIclenchmyeyesshutasmyasshitsthekitchentile.Icanfeelthetearsleakingfrom
mytightlyclosedeyelidsasthenextvisionflashestomygirltuckedinahospitalbed,lookingsmalland
fragileandscared.

WiththatlastthoughtIcan’ttakeitanymoreandIbreak.Gaspingforairassobsshakemylargebody.The
visionsofherscaredandbrokenplayingonrepeatthroughmymind.

Icanonlyremembercryingtwoothertimesinmylife.BothinvolvingEmber.Thatdayincourt.Thenthat
dayIruinedusboth.Closingthedooronher,onus.Soit'sonlyfittingthatthesetearsfallforheraswell.
She'smygreatestweakness,mybiggesthope,andmydeepestlove.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE

EMBER

PainradiatesthroughoutmyentirebodyasIstruggletoopenmyeyesandshaketheheavyfogthatseems
tohavesettledoverme.It'sasifI'mstuckinlimbo,withtheweightofsleeptryingtokeepmeunder
whilemybodytriestowake.

Whatthehellisgoingon?

Icanhearquietsnifflingsomewhereinthedistance,butmydamneyeswon'tbudgesoIcanseekoutthe
noise.Istarttoshiftaspanictakesover—I'vealwayshatedthedark—whenasearingpainricochetsfrom
myshouldertomyabdomen,haltingallmymovements.

AsilentgaspofpainworksupandslipspastmydrylipsandtriggersamemoryIwishIcouldforget.The
gunmanandthepanic.Thewreckageandthemayhem.Thebulletsandthepain.Thesoundsofhorrorand
thesmelloffear.Thetinybodiesofmystudentshuddledtogether,cryingandtremblingandscreaming.
Allofitrushesbacktome,andIcan'thelpthetorrentoftearsthatslipdownthesidesofmyfacebehind
mytightlyclosedeyelids.

Iwillmyeyestoopentotakeinmysurroundings.PrayingthatI'vebeentakenoutofthechaosthaterupted
inmyclassroomthismorning.Hopingthatthesilencemeansmykidsaresafe.

Ohplease,God,letthosechildrenbesafe.

AsIattempttomoveandopenmyeyesyetagain,Ihearacleargaspofshockringthroughtheair
followedbyachokedout,"OhthankGod."

Momma.Itmustbeher.Didshemakeittotheschool?AmIhome?

"Ember,sweetheart,canyouhearme?"Hervoiceisquiveringthroughherheldbacksobs.

Athersoftlyspokenquestionmyeyesfinallyanswermydemandsandopenslightly.I'msquintingintothe
brightlightsfromabove,whichcausesthepoundinginmyheadtointensifywhenMommacomesinto
viewfrommyright.

"Oh,sweetheart,please."She'spleadingwithme,butIcan'tgetmythroattowork."Canyouhearme?
Areyouokay?Oh,Ember,Ineedyoutobeokay.You'reallIhave."Onherwhispereddeclarationthe
damfinallybreaksandIcanhearhersobsbreakfree.Shegentlyclutchesmyrighthandthatwassettled
alongmysideandraisesittoherlips,placingagentle,motherlykissagainstmyfingersbeforebringing
ourjoinedhandsbacktothebed.AbedIjustrealizedI'mlyingin,asthatdistincthospitalsmell
permeatesmysenses.

ReliefwashesovermeasrealizationofwhereIamcomestome,butbeforeIcanquestionanythingthat
reliefquicklyvanishes,asIfeelthewetnessofMomma'stearshitmyarmfromwhereshehasherhead
bowed.AndallIcandoisliehereandwatchherfallapartbecausemydamnbodywon'tlistentomy
brain.

IneedtoreassureherthatbesidesthepainI'mokay,andmorethanthatIneedanswers.SoItryclearing
mythroatbuttheactionfeelsasifIswallowedshardsofglassit'ssodryandraw.ButIignoretheslicing

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painandworkmythroatsoIcantalk.

Mommaliftsherheadandnoticestheaction.Sheholdsupherhandasshetriestogetherselftogetherand
spinstoatablebehindher.Shethenimmediatelyturnsbackaroundwithasmallplasticcupfullofwater
andplacesthestrawatmycrackedlips.

"Sweetheart,tryandtakeasmallsipforme."WhenIfeelthestrawhitmymouthIgingerlydrinksome
water,andalmostgroaninagonizingreliefasthecoolwaterquenchesmythirstandsoothestheburn.

"Thedoctorwasinherenottenminutesagoandsaidtheanesthesiashouldhavewornoffenoughthat
you'dbewakingupsoon.HesaidIcouldofferyouacouplesipsofwaterifyouneededbeforecalling
theminhere,butnothingmorebeforethen."She'swhisperingsosoftlyit'sasifshe'safraidanylouder
andI'lldisappear.

Toassureherthewaterhelped,IgentlynodmyheadinunderstandingandtosignifyI'mdone.Aftershe
placesthewateronthebedsidetableandlooksbacktome,shetakesaseatinthechairIhadyetto
notice.It'srightbymyhead,closeenoughtothebedsoIknowshe'sbeensittingvigiluntilIwokeup.

"Thankyou,"Iscratchoutthroughmystillsorethroat.Hereyeswellupwithfreshtearsathearingmy
hoarsevoice,andIcontinueonbeforetheycanfall."Wh-whathappened?HowlonghaveIbeenout?"

Shelooksawayandclearsherthroatbeforebringinghereyesbacktomyheavyones.Thetearsfillingher
eyesslidedownherslightlyflushedcheeksasshestarts."You'vebeenunconscioussincetheyrushedyou
inhereyesterdaymorning.There...therewasahostilefather—"

Shestopswhensheseesmyeyesslamclosed.JustthementionofMr.Boyleshasfearpricklingmyskin.

AndI'vebeenoutsinceyesterday?Why?

"N-no.Imeantafter."Igingerlyswallowbeforecontinuing."Irememberhimstormingmyclassroom,and
IremembertryingtomakeittothekidsasDamonburstthroughthedoorway.Ijust...Idon'tremember
muchafterasearingpain..."Itrailoffasthethrobbinginmyabdomenandshoulderintensifies.Asif
remindingmeofwhathappened."OhmyGod!I...Iwasshot.Wasn'tI?"ThetearsIsobadlywastryingto
holdbackforMomma'sbenefitfinallybreakfree.

Sheholdsmygaze,tearstrackingdownbothourfaces,assheslowlynodsherhead."Yeah,babygirl.
Twice,onetotheshoulderandthenonetotheabdomen."

ThistimeanaudiblegaspslipspastmylipsandIgingerlymovemyheavyhandtomymouthtotrapthe
sobsworkingupmysorethroat.TearsrushdownmycuppedhandandMommagripstightlyyetgentlyto
myother.Tryingtooffercomforttousboth.

"Youlostalotofbloodandtheyhadtooperatetoremovethebu-bulletfromyourstomach."Shestopsto
composeherselfagainbeforecontinuing."Itmissedallvitalorganssoyou'llmakeafullrecovery,butit
willtakealittletimewithallthebloodlossandbothinjuries."

MyeyesslideclosedasIrelivetheshooting.Thepain,theterror,thenthedarkness.ThenIbegintopanic
astheshockofrelivingmyshootingthroughMomma'swordsandthroughmymindwearsoffandmy
thoughtsturntothosebeautifullyinnocentchildrenleftinmycareallday.

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WasIabletosavethem?WasIabletoprotectthem?

"Whataboutthekids?Tellmethosekidsareokay?ThatIwasabletohelpthem?Protectthem?Please,
Momma,tellme!"

Istarttopanicevenmore,mybreathbecomingchoppy,andMommastepsrightintosootheme."Shh,
babygirl.Youhavetostaycalmforme.Deepbreaths,sweetheart.Toomuchmovementandyoucould
tearastitchandinjureyourselfmore."

"Butthosechildren.Ineedtoknowthey’reallright.Itriedtoprotectthem.Itried,Momma."

"Iknowyoudid,Ember,andyoudid.Besidesacouplewithsomebumpsandbruisesfromthedebristhey
areallunharmedandsafe."

"OhdearGod,thankyou!"Mypanicsubsidesslightly,butmytiredeyesstarttogetheavier.

Mommanoticesandinformsmethatshereallyshouldgetthedoctor.Sheleansdowntoplaceagentle
kisstomyforeheadlikeshehasdonesomanytimesbefore.ButthistimeIcanfeelhertremblinglipsas
shewhispersan"Iloveyou"beforepullingaway.Tearsstilldampeningheragedyetbeautifulface."I
don'tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifIhadlostyou."Shehiccupsonasob,clenchinghereyesclosed
tightlyandreopeningthemtolethertearsfallyetagain."ButthankGodI'llneverhavetoknow."She
attemptsasmallsmilethroughhertears.

MinestillsteadilyflowdownmyfaceastheyhavebeensinceIwokeup.

"Iloveyou,babygirl,"shefiercelywhispersbeforeturningtowardthedoor.Makingmeallthemore
thankfulforDamonandthedoctorssavingme.BecauseasmuchasMommacan'tlivewithoutme,Idon't
knowwhatI'dwithouther.Evenindeath.

WhileIliehereinthishospitalbed,afterwatchingMommastepouttogetthedoctor,Iattempttocontrol
myfluctuatingemotionsofangerandsorrow,rageanddespair.Allthatkeepsrunningthroughmyhead
thoughisthatthiscouldhavebeenit.IcouldhavebeengoneintheblinkofaneyeifDamondidn'tmakeit
whenhedid.Iwouldn'thaveexperiencedmeetingaman,gettingmarried,carryinganotherchild,but
gettingtoraisethemthistime.AndeachtimeIclosedmyeyestheonlymanIcouldeverpicturealongside
mewastheonemanwhostillhauntsmydreams.

TheonemanIshouldneverwantandcouldneverhave.

Heisalwaysthere.Heisalwaystheonlyone.

Kayson.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

EMBER

AsmallsmileliftsmylipswhenIseeMommahesitantlywalkthroughthedoor,followedbyDamon,
whichhasmebypassingmythoughtsonherentranceandcausesmysmiletostretchalittlemore.Ihaven’t
seenhimsinceI’vebeenawake.MommatoldmehestayedaslongashecouldthedayIwasbroughtin,
untilhehadtogobacktowork.Todayismythirddayinthehospital,soIamalittlesurprisedittookhim
solongtocomebackintovisit.EspeciallysinceIwantedtothankhimforsavingme.

Damonoffersmeatightsmileinreturnandwalksstifflyintotheroom.MysmilefaltersslightlywhenI
takeinhisdemeanor,butthenitslipscompletelywhenIseeathirdfigurefilltheentiredoorway.Ihaven't
seenthismaninfouryears.

Notcountingmydreamshestillhaunts.

Kayson.

Onelook.Onesplitsecondintimeandthat'sallittakestostopmeinmytracksandthrowmyworldoff
itsaxis.OnelookandI'mtransportedbackintimetolatenightphonecalls,innocentsmiles,tentative
touches,andlife-changingfirsts.OnelookandallthegoodandbadcollidesoI'mdrowningandburning
andsoaringallatonce.

He'sstandingthere,largerthanlife,butIknowmyeyesmustbeplayingtricksonmebecausenowayis
hereallystandingbeforeme.Nowayishereallystaringdownatmeinthishospitalbedwithrage
burningbrightbehindthetearsshininginhiseyes.Nowayishistoweringframetremblingrightinfrontof
measheclenchesandfistshishandssohardhisknucklespopandthesoundricochetsoffthedrab
hospitalroomwalls.Nowayishereallyhereafterallthistime;bringingwithhimthememoriesofour
pastandtheyearsIwasforcedtolivewithouthim.

Butheisandhedoesandmystupidheartsoars.

Ashestandsthere,frozeninplace,myheartkicksintooverdriveasItakehiminfromheadtotoe.The
shockofseeinghimrenderingmesilent.Hisdark,tousledhairisjustassexyandmessyasever,still
longerontopandalmostbuzzedonthesides,asifhe'sdonenothingbutrunhishandsthroughit.He's
tallerandbiggerthanhewasinhighschool.Muchbigger.He'salllong,stronglegsencasedindarkdenim
jeans.Broad,muscularchestandarmscoveredbyadarkblue,tightfittingHenleywiththearmsrolledup
toexposecordedforearmswithatattoocoveringhisrightarm.Whichisnew.Thentherearehiseyesthat
haven'tchangedabit,appearingmorebluethangrayduetothecolorofhisshirt,makingthempopeven
morebehindhislongdarklashesthatI'mstilljealousover.

He’sjustasbreathtakingashewasfouryearsearlier.Evenmoresoifthatisevenpossible.

SnappingbacktorealityfrommyperusalofKayson,Ifeelunshedtearsfloodmyeyesasmychest
restrictsandthepanicstartstosetin.

OhmyGod,he'sreallyhere.

InoticemovementfromthecornerofmyeyesinceIstillcan'ttakemyeyesoffofasilentKayson,but

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swingmyheadtowardthedeeptimberofDamon'svoicewhenhestartstospeak.

"Em,"hestartsashemovestothesideofmybed."Breathe.Thentakesomemoredeepbreathsforme."

Alow,muffledgrowlfromthefrontoftheroomrumblesthroughtheairwhenDamonreachesmysideand
placeshismuchlarger,darkerhandovermymuchsmaller,palerone.HeflashesKaysonalookbefore
bringinghishazeleyesbacktome.Heoffersthetouchandhiskindeyesasacomfort,asifheknowsthis
isabouttochangeeverything.

Andhe'sright.Itis.

"Sweetheart."Momcutsin.Attemptingtocutthroughthetensionpermeatingtheair.Hesitationclearin
hervoice.Shestepsuptothefootofmyhospitalbed."Iknowthismaynotbethebesttime,buthe'sbeen
sittingoutinthewaitingroomforalmostthreewholedaysnow.I'vemadehimwaitforaslongasIcan."
ShestopsasIswingmyheadbacktoKayson,tostareathiminshock.

Almostthreedays?He'sbeenheresincethedayIwasshotandnoonesaidanything?

Istillhaven'tutteredawordandneitherhasKayson.Momma'sandDamon'svoicestheonlythingstofill
theairbesidesthefranticbreathsItrytotakein.It'slikewe'restuckintime,gettinglostinthememories
ofwhatwehadandthethoughtsofwhatcouldhavebeen.Istarttogetrestlessunderhisscrutiny.His
eyeshaveyettoleaveanypartofmesincehewalkedin.

AsItakeinashudderedbreath,holdingbackthedamoftearsthatthreatentobreakfree,Kaysonsnaps
outofhistranceandtakesasteptowardmypronestate."Ember..."Hetrailsoffashisvoicecracksonmy
name.Asifitphysicallyhurtstospeakit.

Iwonderifithurtsasmuchasitdoestohearit?

Thedeeproughnessofhisvoicesnapsmeoutofmystuporaswell,andhasamixtureofangeranddeep
sadnessignitinginsideofme.

Howdareheshowuphere,now,afterallthistime.HowdarehelookbetterthanIcouldhaveever
imagined.HowdarehemakemewantwhatIcan'thaveandremindmeofallI'velost.

"H-howdareyou!"Ishoutathim.Myvoicestillroughandrawfromitsrareusethesepastfewdays.

Hiseyeswideninshockatmyraspedwords.

Mommayetagainattemptstobreakthetension.“Sweetheart,maybeDamonandIshouldstepout.Give
youtwosomeprivacytotalk.”ShealwayshadasoftspotforKayson.Hencewhysheputupwithme
fallingallovermyselfoverhimwhenwewerekids,whyshesupportedmetakinghimbackeverytimehe
brokemyheart.

“No.Ifanyoneisleavingitwillbehim.Thereisnoreasonforhimtobehere.None.”Ishiftmyeyes
fromMommabacktoKayson.

“Baby—”Hetriesagain.

Myeyeswideninshock.Thatendearment,passingthroughthosefulllips,unleashesthefuryI’veheldin
forthepastfouryears.“Don’tyoudare‘baby’me,yousonofabitch.”AlleyesswingfromKaysonto

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me.“I’vejustbeenshotforcryingoutloudandnowiswhenyouchoosetocomeback.Now?”

“Look,man,maybeyouandIshouldstepoutandyoucancomebackanothertime?”Damoninterjects,but
Kaysonshakeshisheadvigorouslythenlooksbacktome.

“Ember,please.”Hepleadswithhisvoiceandhiseyes.“IsawtheshootingonthenewsandI,”heclears
histhroat,“I'msorry,butIhadtocomebacktoyou.”Hecastshiseyesdownward,lookingevenmore
nervousthanhedidwhenhewalkedthroughthedoor.

Andheshouldbe.

“Youhadtocomebacktome?Why,becauseIwasshotandcouldhavedied?”

HispainedeyesshootuptomeasIutterthatlastwordthennarrowinanger.“Don’tsaythat,Em.Don’t
everfuckingsaythat.Youhearme?”Hisvoicevibrateswithrestrainedemotion.

IcanhearMommacryingquietlyinthebackground.TearsnodoubtbroughtonbythestatementIjust
made.ButIcan’tbringmyselftocare.

“ItmayhavebeenfouryearssinceI’veseenyou.Itmayhavetakenmetoodamnlongtogetbacktoyou.
AndIknowIhavenorighttodemandanythingofyou.Butyouwillneverfuckingutterthosewordspast
thoselipseveragain.”Hiseyesholdastone-coldfuryIhaven’tseeninalongtime.Closinghiseyes,he
inhalesdeeply,composinghimselfbeforeopeninghiseyesashecontinues.“Look,IknowIfucked-upand
thatcomingbackherewasprobablyamistake.”

"Damnrightyoufucked-up.”Idon’tlethimfinish.Myangeristoopalpable,mypaintooraw,mywounds
stilltoofreshevenafteralltheseyears.Andbecauseofthat,Iexplode.

"Fouryears,Kayson.It'sbeenfouryearsandyouchoosenowofalltimestocomeback.Youhadplentyof
timetoreturnwithyourwoe-is-mebullshit.Butyoudidn't.Andyoushouldn'thavecomebacknow.
Besidesthefewbulletholesmarringmybody,asyoucansee,I'mfine.Isurvivedwithoutyou.Sowhy
youcamebackI'llneverknow,andIneverwanttoknow."

I'mlying.I'mlyingthoughmyteeth,buthecan'tknowthat.Hecan'tknowhowseeinghimafterallthis
timeisreallymakingmefeel.

"Sonowthatyou'veseenme,youcango."

"JesusChrist,Ember.Iknow.Butifyou'djustletme—"

IslashmyhandthroughtheairasKaysontakesasteptowardme.Haltinghimandhisexcusesintheir
tracks.“Kayson,youneedtoleave.Now.”Iswallowhard.Sayinghisnameforthefirsttimeislike
swallowingbrokenglass.“Idon’tknowwhatyouexpectedtohappen,butwhateveritwas,it’snot
fuckinghappening.”

Hiseyeswideninsurpriseatthef-bombIjustdropped.ButIdon'tgiveadamn.

Idon'tevenknowwhatpossessedmetounloadlikethatonhim.

Ijustknowwhenhesaidmyname,thenstartedtoapologize,myworldshatteredaroundmelikeitdidall
thoseyearsago,andhowitcontinuestodoeverytimeImerelythinkofhim.Soinsteadoflettinghimtalk,

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Igotmywordsoutfirst.

Kaysonopenshismouthtospeak,butclosesitjustasquickly.Givingmeonelastlook,thenlooking
aroundtheroomatDamonandMomma,heturnsandheadsoutthedoor.

ThesobsIwasholdingbackbreaksfreeasIheartheclickofthecloseddoor.Thefinalityofthesound
firingofflikeacannon.BringingmebacktothathotAugustnightwhenKaysonbrokemyheartandfaith
inmyself.

Whilealsoremindingmeoftheevengreaterlosswesufferedtogether.Theonehedoesn'tevenknow
about.

IcryharderatthatthoughtandMommarushesoverasIgaspforair,tryingtosootheme.Butitfeelsasif
myheartisbreakingalloveragain.JustwiththatoneglancethroughtheeyesoftheboyIusedtolove,
throughtheeyesofthemanIlongedtohave.


KAYSON

Hangingmyhead,Ileanagainstthewallnearherhospitalroomdoorasitshuts.IcanhearEmbercrying
ashermomtriestocalmherdown.Worriedhersobbingwillaggravateherinjures.Fuck!

Iwasn'tpreparedtoseeher.Notlikethatandnotatall.AsmuchasItalkedmyselfintobelievingIwas
readyafterfouryears,asmuchasIknowthatIneededtocomebackhometoseeher,shewasstilla
shocktomysystem.

Despiteherpalecomplexionandfragilebodylyinginthathospitalbed,herbeautystunnedmesilent
whenIcaughtaglimpseofhersmile—beforeitslippedwhenhereyescollidedwithmine.ThenasI
assessedherlyingthere,it'sasifallcoherentthoughtandmyentirevocabularyleftme.

TheshockedlookthattookoverherfaceasIwhisperedhernameforcedmeoutofmystuporandinto
action.Iletmyneedforhertohearmeoutoverrideherfeelings.IbombardedherwithmybullshitwhenI
shouldhavetakenherfeelingsandthecircumstancesintoconsideration.

I'mafuckingasshole.

ButIhadtotry.Ihadtotryandatleastexplainwhy,afterallthistime,Ireturned.ButEmberwasn't
havinganyofit.Assoonassheheardmyvoicesomethingshiftedbehindhereyes,andherpoutylipsset
inafirmline.

Thenshespoke.

AtfirstIwaslostinthethroatyraspofhervoicethatIhaven’theardinfouryears.Thenthewordsshe
wastossingatmeregistered,andmyheartjackhammeredandsplitinmychest.

Iknewmyreappearancewouldbeashock.Iknewsheprobablywouldn'twanttoseeme.Ievenexpected
herangerandpain.ButIdidnotexpecttheferocityandhatredbehindeachword.Ididn'texpectherto
comeunhinged.Andthat'sexactlywhathappened.

Shecursed.Sheyelled.Sheputmeonmyass.

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GonewasthetimidgirlIknew,andinherplacewasastrongwomanIlongedtoknow.

Iheartheclickofadoor,whichshakesmefrommythoughts,andcatchsightofDamonsteppingoutofthe
room.

"Man,Itoldyouthiswasn'tagoodidea."

"Yeah,well,itmightnotbe,butI'mnotleaving.Notafterseeingher..."Itrailoffasherwoundedface
entersmythoughtsyetagain."IneedhertoknowI'mhereandthatI'vechanged."

"AndItoldyouthatIagreed.Butnowofalltimeswasn'ttherighttimetodoso.Fuck,willyoueverlisten
tome?Yousawhowshereacted.YouknowI'mright.Nowwasn'ttherighttimetospringyourreturnon
her."

"IfIlistenedtoyouI'dbewaitinganotherfouryearsbeforetryingtowinherback.Andthatshitain't
happening.HergettingshotwasthefinalpushIneededtogetmyassbackhere.SoI'mhere,andI'mnot
leavingthistime.Whetheritwastherightmoveornot."

Damonmuttersunderhisbreath,pissingmeoffevenmoreandallowingmymindtorunoverwhat
happenedjustmomentsagoinEmber'shospitalroom.

AsIrunthelasttenminutesthroughmymind,onepartsticksoutlikeasorefuckingthumbandIspeak
withoutthinking."Whatthefuckwereyoutouchingherforanyway?"

"Areyoufuckingkiddingme?"He'sexasperatedandthinksI'manidiot.MaybeIam.Butwatchinghim
grabherhandandconsoleherhadmewantingtobaremyteethlikeaferalbeast.

HetakesagoodlookatmeandknowsI'mserious.

"Fuck,man."Herunsahandoverhisbuzzedhead."NotthatIshouldhavetoexplainanythingtoyou,
sincesheisn'tyours."Itakeamenacingsteptowardhim,readytobeatthepissoutofhimforeven
thinkingEmberisn'tmine,andhetosseshishandsuptohaltmyprogress."ButIwouldnevercrossthat
line,andI'mfuckingpissedyou'dthinkotherwise.She'safriend.Nothingmore."

Fuckerisluckyheamendedthatcomment,orI'dbewipingthefloorwithhissmugasfuckface.

"Youdidn'tneedtofuckingtouchher."

"Shewasonthebrinkofadamnpanicattack,Kase.Iwastryingtohelpcalmherdown."Hetosseshis
handsouttohissides,furtherexasperatedbymycavemanantics,butIdon'tgiveashit.

"Ifyouwentanywherenearhershe'dhavefreakedoutevenmore,youknowthat."Hegripsthebackof
hisneckwithbothhands."Butthisisn'tevenwhatweshouldbetalkingaboutrightnow.Megrabbingher
handisn'timportant.What'simportantisthatyoulistentoherandgivehersomespace."

Damongoestocontinueyetanotherlecture,butIcuthimoffbeforehecanevenstart."Iknow.I'llgiveher
thespacesheneeds,butafterfouryearsI'mdonerunning."

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"Youcan'texpecttocomebackandshe'sgoingtoacceptyouwithopenarms.Shewasjustfuckingshot
forChrist'ssake.Sheneedsspacesofuckinggiveittoher.Youneedtothinkabouther.Notyou."

Ilookoverathimasifhe'slosthisever-lovingmind.

"She'sconsumedmythoughtseverydayforfourfuckingyears,Damon.Notonedaygoingbywithout
missingherandneedingherandregrettingallofmybullshit.Yeah,thisfucked-upshitandhergetting
injurediswhyIcameback.ButyouknowIalwaysplannedonit.Youknowgettingbackhereand
winningherbackwasalwaysmyplan.Sodon'tspoutoffyourself-righteousbullshit.EmberisallI'm
worriedabout.She'sallI'mthinkingabout.ButsheneedstoknowhowseriousIam,andI'mgoingto
showher."

WiththatIgiveDamononefinallooktolethimknowhowseriousIamandthenpushoffthewall.Ihead
downthehallway,pastthewaitingroom,thenoutthedoorwithonlyonethoughtonmymind.

Ember.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

EMBER

IwastoldaslongasDoctorCartergavetheokayI'dbegoinghometomorrow.Hewasimpressedwith
myprogressandsatisfiedthatmyriskoftheinfectionreturningwasminimalenoughthatIshouldbeable
togo.I'mhopingso,becauseIwantmyownbedandmyownspace.Iwanttobeabletorecoverand
processinthesafetyofmyownhome.Iwanttobeabletocryandgrieveandrageinprivatewithout
pryingeyes.IwanttobegiventhechancetobreakonmyownsoIcanattempttomoveon.

Andinordertoheal,that'swhatIneedtodo.

I'mstillsoreandtenderthough,mystomachespecially,butI'mnotgivingupthechancetogohome,and
thepainisnothingcomparedtothefearthatconsumesmedaily.Thentherearethenightmares...

SoIcalledmygirlstoseeiftheywouldmindgrabbingabagofsomecleanclothesfortomorrowtogive
Mommaarest.Shehasn'tleftmysidefortheweekthatI'vebeenhere,butIforcedherouttodaytogo
hometoshowerandgetsomesleepinherownbed.Shehuffedandpuffedforagoodtwentyminutes
beforeshelistened.

ThankGod.

IloveMommaandambeyondthankfulforallshe'sdoneforme,butherconstanthoveringwaswearing
onme.IunderstandsheneedstomakesureI'mokaysincetheincident,especiallyafterthesetbackofthe
infectionIgot,butIreallyneededthisbreakasmuchasshedid.

SoImadethecallandSamassuredmesheandTraceywouldn'tmindatallandtheyshouldbehere
withinthehour.Ican'twaittoseethem,butI'malmostdreadingtellingthemofmysurprisevisitorthe
otherday,butIknowIneedto.Formeandforthemsotheydon'thearitelsewhere.

Orworse,seehimaroundtown.

AsIfinishthatthought,there'salightknockonthedoorandthenitburstsopenwithSamleadingand
Traceyfollowing.

"Iknocked,butyou-know-whodecideditwouldbebesttopushmeoutofthewayandbustthroughthe
doorinstead,"Traceycomplains,assheglaresjokinglyatSam.

Ican'thelpbutgigglelightlyattheirantics.SamandTraceyarelikeoilandwatertheyaresodifferent.
Yet,atthesametime,theygotogetherlikepeanutbutterandjelly.Andthat'swhytheyaretwoofmy
greatestfriends.

That'salsohowtheycantellsomethingisoff,besidestheobvious,andaskinunison,"What'swrong?"

Idon'tevenbotherbeatingaroundthebush."Kaysonisback."

Iholdmybreathwaitingforthemtoerupt.Idon'thavetowaitlong.

"Thatmotherfuckingcocksucker,"Samwhispersharshly.

IlooktoTraceyforherreactionandseehertossherheadbacktolookupattheceiling.

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Theybothfinishmutteringtothemselvesthentakeaseat.TraceyatthefootofmybedandSamat
Momma'sdesignatedseatbymyside.

Samseemstobetryingtocollectherself,whileTraceyinhalesadeepbreathbeforecuttingtothechase.

“Andwhatdoesthismeanforyou?”

Ilookup,intoTracey’sbrowneyessosimilartomine,atouchofconfusionsweepingovermyfeatures.
“Whatdoyoumean?

“Imean,whatdoesKaysonbeingbackmeanforyou?”

Nowit’smyturntotakeadeepbreath.IreleaseitslowlybeforeIreplyashonestlyasIcan.“Tobe
honest,Idon’treallyknow.”

Alookofunderstandingcrossesherface.Thensadnessfollows.

"Wewatchedyoucrumble.Wewatchedyoumourn.Wewatchedyoufallapartforalmosttwoyears
beforeyoufoundthecouragetopickyourselfbackupandpieceyourselfbacktogetheragain."

"IwasabletobecauseofyouladiesandMomma.Yourstrengthandbeliefinmegavemethatcourage,"I
interjectsoftlyyetfiercely.WantingthemtoknowhowthankfulIstillamfortheirsupportthosefirsttwo
yearsafterKaysonleftme,shatteredandalone.AfterIsufferedthetwobiggestlosesmyheartwillever
know.

Theybothoffermesympatheticyetproudsmilesofunderstanding.Justliketheyalwaysdowhenmypast
isbroughtup.Traceycontinueson.

"Thenwewatchedyouflourishandgrowintothisamazinglystrongandsassywomanweallknewyou
were.Youfoughtback,youfinishedyourdegree,yougotajob.Youdidallofthatwithouthim,babe.All
ofit.Weworryaboutyou,Em.Wejustwantwhat'sbestforyou.Sowhenyousaythatsonofabitchis
backwepanicbecausewedon'twanttoseeyoufallthatdeepagain."

"Iknowthat,youguys.Believeme,I'mjustaspissedthathehadtheaudacitytoshowuphere,andnowof
alltimes.”

"Didhesaywhyhechosenow?"Samasks,hereyessimmeringwithrestrainedanger.

"Ididn'treallygivehimachancetoexplain.Hewalkedin.Wewerebothspeechlessandinshock.He
startedtotalk,andthenIblewagasketandkickedhimoutbeforeIbrokedowninfrontofhim."

Bothwomenoffermethosesamesympatheticyetproudsmilestheyworebefore.

"Ithinkit'sbecauseoftheshootingthough,"Iquietlyadd."BeforeIkickedhimouthemadethecomment
aboutseeingitonthenews,sohe'hadtocomebacktome’,"Isay,usingfingerquotationsanddoingmy
bestimpersonationofKayson’svoice.

"There'ssomethingelseyouaren'ttellingus,"Saminterjects,haltingallmythoughts.Shegivestheside
eyetoTraceyandthentheybothlookatmeexpectantly.

"No,there'snot."NowIbeataroundthebush.

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"Don'teventryit.Wecantell.Whatisit?"Traceyinterrupts.

Ibitemythumbnail.

"He'sgorgeous,"Iblurtoutaroundmyhand.

Theygroaninunison.

"I'msorry,Icouldn'thelpit.It'sKayson,butthegrown-upversion.Andifit'sevenpossiblehelookseven
betternowthanheusedto."Nowit'smyturntogroan.

It'ssilentforafewminutesbeforeSambreaksit.Orshattersitreally.

"I'massumingyoudidn'ttellhim..."Samtrailsoff,lettingherquestionhangintheair.Iknowwhatshe's
askingandtearsimmediatelyblurmyvisionwiththereminder.

Ishakemyheadasthefirstsilenttearfalls.

"No,"Iwhisper."Ididn'thavethechanceandthatisn'tsomethingtosharewithhiminanger.Tobehonest,
Iwassoshockedthathewasherethatitdidn'tevencrossmyminduntilhewalkedoutthedoor."

"You'regoingtohavetotellhimthough.Asmuchasit'sgoingtohurtandeventhoughhe'sthebiggest
dickheadknowntoman,hedeservestoknow.Soyou'regoingtohavetotellhim."

Myeyesslideclosedoutofregretandanger.RegretforwaitingalltheseyearstotellKaysonandanger
forhavingtotellhimatall.Heshouldhaveknownalready.NotbecauseIshouldhavehadtohunthim
downtotellhim,butbecauseheshouldhavebeenheretosufferalongwithme.

Iknowhedeservestoknow.ButIhavetotakethisonestepatatime,andmyfirststepisgettinghomeso
Icanstarttoheal.Ican'tworryaboutthesecretsthatIharborwhenhehashisownexplainingtodo.

IfIeverlethim.

Sowiththatthought,IignoreSam’sandTracey'sknowinglooksandchangethesubject.

"Youknowwhattheworstpartis?Notmebeingshot,notKaysonreturning.Buttheworstpartisthat
alongwithshootingmeandterrifyingmypoorstudents,thatmanalsotookawaymyrightasamotherto
mournanotheryearwithoutmysonandcelebrateanotherbirthday."

JustwhenIthoughtIhadmytearsundercontroltheystarttofallfrommyeyesyetagain,whichhasSam
andTraceyhuddlingaroundme.Consolingme.

IthencompletelyloseitwhenalightknocksoundsatthedoorandAmberwalksin.Imethermyfreshman
yearofcollegeandwebecameinstantfriends.IbroughthertohangoutwithSamandTraceyonceand
sincethenhavebecomeatight-knitgroup.

Hertimingimpeccable.

“Hey,sorryI’mlate,”shesaysquietlyassheshutsthedoorbehindher.Inherrighthandsheholdsa
small,whitefrostedcakewithbluetrim.Fourlightblue,unlitcandlesstickoutfromthetop.

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“Oh,youguys.”Ibarelygetoutthewordsbetweenmytearsandblubbering.Despiteeverything,myheart
feelssofullbecauseofthesethreewomenwhohavesurroundedmewithnothingbutloveandsupport.

“WeknewnotbeingabletocelebrateKJ’slifewouldwreckyou,sowewantedtomakesurewecoulddo
this.Forbothofyou,”shesaysasshesetstheminicakedownonthetraytablethenslidesitoverme.

Then,duringoneofthehardesttimesI’veeverhadtoendure,threeofthemostimportantpeopleinmy
lifesurroundmeandcreateoneofthegreatestmemorieswithmeaswesinghappybirthdaytomylittle
boywhoislovedmorethanhewilleverhavehadthechancetoknow.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR

EMBER

Isitbackslowly,takeabreath,thenclosemyeyesandtrytorelaxforthefirsttimesinceThursday.But
mymindwon'tshutdown.Momentsandthoughtsbombardmymind,oneafteranother.

Theterrorsoftheshooting.Wakingupinthehospital.Kayson.

Witheverythingthat'shappenedoverthelastweekyou'dthinkKayson'sreturnwouldbetheleastofmy
worries.Butit'snot.Hispresencehasrockedmemorethananythingelse.

Icannotbelievehe'sback.Thatjustafewdaysagohewasstandinginfrontofme.Allsixfootplus
gloriousinchesofhim.

Dammit.Ihatethatevenafteralloftheseyearsaparthestillaffectsmelikenooneelseevercould.

Oreverhas.

IwishIwasn'tsoaffectedbyhim.IwishIcouldwillmystupidhearttocalmdownandremindmy
traitorousbodyofwhatheputmethrough.Butnoneofitmattersbecausemyheartandbodyknowwho
theybelongto.

Whothey'vealwaysbelongedto.

Aknockatthedoorstirsmefrommythoughts.AsIstarttoleanforwardathrobbingpainstartsinmy
abdomen,soIslowlyleanbackagain.

"Comein,"Iyellfrommyseatedposition,thinkingitmustbeMommacomingbackfromthepharmacy
andmarket.

ButifitwasMommashewouldhavewalkedbackinsinceshewasjuststeppingouttorefillmypain
medicationandantibiotics,alongwithpickingupafewgroceries.

Asthatthoughtfiltersthroughmymind,andIrealizethatIcouldhavejustinvitedanyoneintomy
apartment,Ihearthedoorknobturnandaheavy-bootedfootenter.

Panicstrikesmequickly,bringingmebacktolastweekinmyclassroom,untilIhearthedeeprumbleof
Kayson'svoice.Thenfearofadifferentkindinfiltratesmymind.

"Whywasn'tthisdoorlocked,Ember?Youneedtomakesureit'slocked,especiallywhenyou'rehome
alone."Hesoundsexasperated.Likeit’ssomethingIshouldknow.

Hereallyhassomenervebeingbossywithme.It'sbeenfouryearsandheactslikeit'sonlybeenfour
days.

"Yeah,well,Ithoughtyou'dbeMommacomingbackfromrunningerrands."

Hisheavyfootfallscarryhimfromthehallwaythenaroundthecouchwherehe'snowfacingme.Running
hiseyesovereverypartofmypaleandtiredface.

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"Hey,"hewhispers,seeminguncomfortableallofasudden.

"Whatareyoudoinghere?IthoughtImadeitprettycleartheotherdaythatIdidn'twanttoseeyou."I'm
beingrudeandharsh,butIdon'tcare.I'mtired,I'msore,andIwanttorelaxandreflectandtrytoheal
fromthechaosthathasbeenmylifethispastweek.

"Damontoldmeyouwerebeingdischargedtoday,soIthoughtI'dstopbytoseeifyouneededanything
andmakesureyouweredoingallright."

Hischangeindemeanorfromwhenhefirstwalkedinisthrowingmeoff.

SoIdecidetocomerightoutandaskhimwhatthehellhewants.

IhuffasighbeforeIask,"Whatdoyouwant?"

"Itoldyou.IheardyouwerebeingdischargedsoIwantedtocomecheckon—”

"No.Whatdoyoureallywant?Whyareyouhere?Whyareyouback?Andwhythehellafterallthis
time?"IfigureImightaswellaskallofmyquestionsoutrightandhopeheanswersthemquickly.The
soonerheanswersthesoonerheleaves,andthesoonerIcangobacktotryingtorest.

Nowit'shisturntohuffasigh."Ireallydidcometocheckonyou.Today,Imean.ButIcameback
becauseitwasabouttimeIdid.I'vewaitedlongenough.Whathappenedlastweek,theshooting..."He
trailsoffashespitsthelastwordlikevenom."ItwaswhatfinallymademeactonwhatI'vewantedtodo
eversinceIleft."

He'sspeaking,explaining,andmyjawishittingthefloor.

Isheserious?

"SoassoonasIsawthebreakingnewscoverage,sawyourname,IknewitwasfinallytimethatIgotoff
myassandcamebacktoyou."Heatleasthasthedecencytoseemabitunsure.

WhichisgoodbecauseIsureashellam.

"What?Didyouhonestlythinkyou'dwaltzyourassbackintomylifeafterfourfuckingyears,andwhat?
We'djustpickupwhereweleftoff,fromwhenwewerekids?"Iscoff.Hiseyeswideninshockfrommy
useofcursewordsbecauseIneverusedtotalklikethis.Butcomeon,hecannotbefuckingserious.

Butashecontinuestolookatme,I'mthinkinghe'sveryserious.

"Ididn'tthinkwe'djustpickbackup,Ember.Iknowit'sgoingtotakesometime.ButIwould'vethought
you'dhavegrownupenough—”

Icuthimoffbeforehecanfinish."Really?Theinsultsalready,Kayson.Especiallyunderthe
circumstances.SeemsI'mnottheonlyonewhohasn't'grownup’,"Isaywhilemakingairquotationswith
myhands.IknowI'mactinglikeapetulantchild.ButI'mfightingoffthememoriesandthehurtasthey
comecrashingbacktomewitheachwordhespeaks.It'smydefensemechanismrightnow.

Plus,he'sjustambushedmeonmyfirstdayhomefromthehospital.

"Fuck,"hecursesasherunshishandsthroughhishairthendownhisface."Thisisn'tcomingoutright.I

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justmeantIwould'vethoughtwecouldtry.Takethingsslow.Startasfriends.Letmehelpyouthroughthis
recoverythatmotherfuckerforceduponyou."Hesqueezesthatlastpartoutbetweengrittedteeth.Seething
madasherememberswhyI'mrecoveringinthefirstplace.

WhileI'veneverforgotten.

Hetakesadeepbreaththencontinues."I'mnotakidanymore,Em,I'magrownfuckingmanwho's—"

"Wellitseemstomenothinghaschanged."Iinterruptagain."Seemstomeyou'restilltheself-centered,
egotisticalassholeyou'vealwaysbeen.Thinkingonlyofhimselfandwhathewants.BecauseallIkeep
hearingis'me'or'I'spewingoutofyourmouth.Whataboutme,Kayson?Whataboutmeneedingtimeto
getusedtoyoubeinghere?Whataboutmeneedingtimeformyselftorecover,notonlyfromthebulletsof
thatgun,butfromtheblowofyoureturning?"

Exasperated,hefinallyloseshiscool."Whatthefuckdoyouwantfromme,Ember?Huh?Youwantmeto
grovel?Tellyouhowleavingyouwasthebiggestmistakeandmybiggestregret?Hitmyfuckingknees
andbegyouforachance?ForyoutoatleastseeI'mnotadumbfuckingkidanymore,butagrown
motherfuckingman."Hepoundshischestthenstartstoturnawayfrommyseatedpositiononthecouch,
butwhipsbackaroundtostareintomyeyes."Whatthefuckdoyouwantmetodo?"

"Whydidyouleaveme?"Iyell,astearsstarttopourdownmyface.Whythehellnot?Let'saddressthe
elephantintheroom.Ignoringthepaininmyshoulderandstomach.Ignoringthequestionsofwhyhe
returnedwhenIneedanswersastowhyheleft."YouwanttoknowwhatIwant?Iwantfuckinganswers!
WhydidyouleavemeandtossmeasidelikeImeantnothing?Aftereverything.Wemayhavebeenkids,
butourstruggleswerefuckingreal.Thedrugabuse.Thefights.Thearrest.Thedisappearingacts.We
werekidsdealingwithadultissuesbecauseofYOU!"I'msobbingnowandhe'slookingatmewithwide
eyesandmouthagape.Strugglingtofindtherightthingtosay.

"AndIstayed,"Icontinueonbeforehefindsthosewords."Aftereverything,Istayed.Afterwatchingyou
slowlyslipawaywiththedrugsandalcohol,timeandtimeagain.Thearrestthatkeptyouawayfromme
andleftmeworrying.Thecourtappearances.Thedaysofnocontactandwaitingbythephoneforacall
fromyouorwhatIfearedmost—themorgue.Afterconstantlybeingsecondbesttoeverythingelseinyour
life."Ipoundmychest,ignoringthepainthatradiatesfrommybulletwoundbecausethatpainpalesin
comparisontothepainrippingthroughmyheart."Ifuckingstayed.Sowhythefuck,afterallofthat,did
youleaveme?"

I'mscreaming.I'mscreamingandIhateit.Idon'twanttobethisperson.Thisvolatilewomanwhocan't
controlheremotions.I'veworkedhardtobecomeanindependent,strongwomanandhe'sshatteringthe
progressImadebyjustreturning.

Itakeadeep,shudderingbreath,tryingtocalmdown.

"Becausemylifewasimplodingaroundme!Couldn'tyouseethat?Feelit?Thedrugs,thealcohol,the
distance.Theywereallanescapefrommyshittyhomelife,myfootballinjury,thepressuresoftryingto
beperfectforyou.Iwassuffocatingandallyoudidwassmothermewithyourloveandlight.ButInever
deservedanyofit.YouwereallIwanted,allIneeded,butIwasn'tgoodenough.Nevergoodenough.Not
formydadtostickaround.Notformymomtostaysane.Notforanybody.Sobeforeyoucouldleaveme,
Ileftyou,"heshoutsback."BeforeyoucouldrealizehowfarIwasdraggingyoudown,beforeyoucould
realizewhatawasteofayearthatwasforyou,Ifuckingmadethemovefirstandleftyou."Regret

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immediatelyflashesthroughhiseyesashetakesasteptowardmeonthecouch.

Itossmyhandup,palmforward,toindicateIdon'twanthimanycloser.Evenafterallthistime,afterall
thisangerandhurt,IknowifIsenseanyofhiscomfort,strength,andwarmth,Iwillcrumbleathisfeet.
AndIneedtoremainstrong.Soheneedstokeepaway.

Hestopsafootawayfrommebeforehecontinues."You'relightandpureandgood.Iwastaintingyou
withmydarkness.Withmyhateandinsecurities.SoIgotfuckingscared,okay?Igotscaredbecauseafter
everything,afterthatentireyearofmedraggingyoudown,youwerestillthere.Stillthereformetosink
withmybullshit."

Istareathiminhorror.Neverrealizingthesewerehisdeepestthoughts,nightmares,andregretswhen
weretogether.Whenwewerekids.

"Soyou'retellingmeyoushovedmeaway,endedourdreamstogether,becauseyouwereinsecure?"I
questionhimbecauseIhopeheisn'ttellingmehisinsecuritiestookhimawayfromme,leftmealoneto
mournthelossofourchild.I'mreallyhopingandprayingwithallthatIamthatIammisunderstandinghis
reasonsfordroppingoffthefaceoftheearth.Forleavingme.

"Didn'tyouthinkthatwasmychoicetomake?"IstarehimdownasIlookupathistoweringform,trying
tokeepittogether."Didn'tyoutrustmeenoughtoknowthatafterallweenduredtogetherthatyear,thatI
wouldhavestayed?"Iquestionastheangerrushesbackintohiseyes.

"Yes!Andthatwasthefuckingproblem."

WiththatfinalblowandalltheanswersI'lleverneed,IturnmyfaceawayfromthemanIoncethoughtto
bethemanofmydreams.

"Ineedyoutoleave,"Ispeakquietlysohecan'thearallthehurt,theanger,andthetearsthatthreatento
fall."Ineedyoutoleavenow,"Irepeatalittlelouder,whenIseefromthecornerofmyeyethathehasn't
movedaninch.

"Ember—”

"No,Kayson.Youdon'tknowwhatit'sliketowatchthepersonyouloveslipaway.Succumbtothe
darknessanddrugstheydrownthemselvesin.Youdon'tknowwhatit'sliketolosethatonepersontothe
fighttheywon'ttakeon.Becausetheydon'twantto.Youdon'tknowwhatit'sliketolovesomeonewith
everyinchofyourselfanditstillwillneverbeenough."I'myellingagain,butIcan'tfinditinmyselfto
careanymore.HeneedstohearthisandfinallyleavemealonesoIcanprocessallI'vebeenthroughwith
theshootingandwithhisreturn.It'sbeenaweeksincetheshooting,almostaweeksinceheburstback
intomylife.Ijustneedadamnminutetomyselftobreathe.

"Iknowwhatit'slike,"Icontinueon."Me.Notyou.Youdidn'tlosemethatday.Youtossedmeawayas
youlostyourself.Soyoudon'tgettocomebackhereandmakeanotherfuckingdecisiononyourownand
thinkyou'rejustgoingtowalkbackintomylifeasifnothinghappened.Asiffouryearsdidn’tseparate
us.NowIneedyoutogetoutofmyapartment,givemetimetoprocesswhatthehellhappenedtome,and
givemetimetoadjusttoyoubeinghere.IthinkIdeservethatmuchatleast.Nowleave."

Idon'tevenlookbackupathim.NotthroughthatwholespeechandnotnowwhenIhearhimhuffadeep
breath,walkoutofmyapartment,andclosethedoorbehindhim.

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Bringingmebacktothatdayfouryearsagowhenheshutthedooronus.

KAYSON

AsthedoorclicksshutbehindmeIstopdeadinthehallway.Icannotbelieveallthatcamespillingfrom
mymouth.Shedidn'tneedthatbullshitontopofeverythingelse.Ontopofherrecovery.Hershockofmy
return.Ijustmeanttocomeover,checkonher,andseeifshe'dallowmetostepbackintoherlife,slowly,
inanyway.

Becausefouryearswithoutherwastortureandnowafterreturninghomeandseeingher,breathingthe
sameairasher,thereisnowayIcangobackandlivemylifewithoutheranymore.Nofuckingway.I
waitedtoolongbefore,nowayamIleavinghernow.SheneedstoknowthatIamnotgivingup,thatI
willwinherbackbecausesheismine.IneedtoprovetoherthatI'mnotthatstupidfuckingkidanymore,
butagrownmanwhohasneverstoppedlovingher.

Ican'tleaveherapartmentbuildingwithouttellinghersuch,soItakeoutmycellandscrollthroughmy
contactsuntilIfindhernameasIstartwalkingtowardthestairwell.Againsthisbetterjudgment,Damon
gavemehernewnumberatthehospital,whenIwouldn'tleavehimaloneaboutit.

Hittinghercontact,IbringthephonetomyearasIwaitandhopeshe'llpickuptheunknownnumber.

"Hello?"EventhoughIjustheardhervoiceinperson,herbreathy,raspytonethroughthephonedoes
funnyshittomychest.

Causesmyhearttohurtandhealallatonce.

"Hey,Em."Iclearmythroat."It's,uh,Kayson.Damongavemeyournumbertheotherday,beforeyouleft
thehospital."

"DammitDamon,"shemuttersbeforeIcouldcontinue.

"Yeah,well,Ididn'tgivehimmuchofachoice."

Silencefallsbetweenus,andIalmostpullmyphoneawaytoseeifIlostherbutshespeaksbeforeIdo.

"Youleftmyapartmentlessthanaminuteago.Whatdoyouwant?"

Shesoundstired.Atme.Atthesituation.Justtired.

Soinsteadofdraggingthisconversationout,IcomerightoutandsaywhatIneedtosay.

"I'mnotthesameguyIwasthen,Ember,"Isaysoftly.Tryingadifferentapproachthanmyabrasiveway
before.

"AndI'mnotthatsamegirl,Kayson.I'magrownwomannow.Nolongeradoormatforyoutowalkall
over.SowhenIaskyoutogivemesomespace,thengivemesomegoddamnspace."Shehuffsadeep
breathintothereceiver.Soundingmoreandmoreexasperatedandexhaustedbytheminute.

Ineedtohurrythisup.

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Rushingonbeforeshecansayanymore,Icutin."I'mclean.Ihaven'ttouchedasingledrugintwoyears.I
doindulgeinacigaretteortwoonoccasion.ButIswearIdon’ttouchthehardstuff.Theblow,thepills,
allofit,it'sdone."NotsinceIwokeupinthathospitalroom,Iwanttoadd,butIdon’t.That’ssomething
sheshouldhearfrommewhenwe’refacetoface.

"Ineedyou,Ember.I'vealwaysneededyou.Ijustgotlost.Dependedonyoutoomuch.Thentheguiltof
draggingyoudownwouldconsumeme.Butthepastisthepast.I'machangedman.Letmeshowyouthat.
Ineedyou,anywayIcangetyou."

IletmyconfessionhangintheairbeforeIcontinue.

"GivemethischancetoprovetoyouthatIcanbethemanyou'vealwaysdeserved."

Exasperatedandsoundingdefeatedshereplies,"Ineedtime,Kayson.Youjustcamebackintomylifea
weekagoafterfouryearswithoutsomuchasaphonecall.Givemesometime,"sheendsonawhisper.

Asenseofreliefwashesovermeatherwhisperedwords.“Icangiveyoutime.Icandothat.Aslongas
thattimegivesmeyou,thenIcanwait.”

Achokedsoundringsthroughthereceiverbeforeshereplies.

"Ineversaidyou'dgetme,Kayson.IsaidIneededtimetogetusedtoyoubeingback."Thensheendsthe
callandmyheartplummetsagain.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE

-APRIL-

EMBER

Besidesthedayofourfight,Ihaven'tseenorspokentoKaysonintheweeksinceI'vebeenhome.

TobehonestIwasalittleshockedwitheachdaythatpassedandIdidn'thearfromhim.Shockedbecause
heactuallylistenedtome.

AndthenshockedbecauseIwasactuallydisappointedthathelistenedtome.

Damnmystupidheart.

Random,unknowndeliverieshavebeenshowingupeachdaythough,andIhaveafeelingit'shim.
EverythingfromDVDsandpopcorn,tocrosswordpuzzlesandmagazines,toflowersandchocolates.
Eachdayit'ssomethingnewtohelpkeepmymindbusyandtohelpmakemyrecoveryeasier.

Mommaensuresitisn'ther,andIbelieveher,wheneverImentionthenewestpackageshecoylyreplies
thatshehasnocluewhocouldbesendingthem.

LikeIbelievethat.

Ifitwasoneofthegirlstheywouldn'tbotherhavingitdelivered,theywouldbringitthemselves.

SothatleavesKayson.

WellbesidesDamon,buteventhoughwe'veremainedclose,hewouldn'tknowthatmyfavorite
chocolatesarecaramelsorthatmyfavoriteflowersaredaisiesandpeonies.

No,onlyKaysonwouldknowthat.

Soithastobehim.Anddamnhimforsendingthem.I’msupposedtobemadathim.Ishouldbeholding
ontomyangerandsadness,andIam,butthesesweetgesturesarewarmingmyheart.

IhatetoadmitthatI'mstartingtoanticipatetheknockatmyfrontdoor,signalingeachnewdelivery.

IhatetoadmitthatmyheartmeltseachtimeIopenmydoortoseethesameplain,brownpaperwrapping
ofeachgift.

AndIreallyhatetoadmitthatoveronlytwoweeks,he'salreadystartingtoweaselhiswaybackintomy
life.Andintensifyinghisholdonmyheart.

Ishakemyselffrommythoughtsandfinishlockingmyfrontdoorthenheaddowntothesidewalkafter
exitingtheelevator.

It'sbeentwoweekssincetheshootingandjustoneweeksinceI'vebeenhome,andtodayismyfirstday
outandabout.I'vestayedlockedupinmyapartmentandhidingoutlongenough.It'stimeIstartliving
again.SoIcalledthegirlstoseeifanyofthemcouldmeetmeforcoffeeatTracey'scafeontheirlunch
breaks.Andasluckwouldhaveit,allthegirlswereabletomeetupwithme.SoIwasonmywayto
meetupwithAmber,Sam,andTracey.

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SinceI'vebeenhomeallthegirlshavestoppedbytovisit,eitherinpairsorseparately.Soitwillbenice
toallbetogetherforthefirsttimesincethe"incident",asIprefertocallit.

LivinginsuchasmalltownandwithmyconvertedapartmentbuildingbeingattheendofMainStreet,I'm
abletowalktheblockittakestogettoTheCoffeePress,whichisthelocalcoffeeshopthatTraceyand
herfamilyown.Well,walkingmaybealittlebitofastretch.I'mmorelikelimpingandshufflingmyway
downthesidewalk,butthefreshairandmovementisgoodforme.Soasuncomfortableasitis,I'lltakeit
becauseI'mluckytobealive.

AsImakeitdowntheblockandopenthefrontdoor,thebelloverheadjingles,signalingmyarrival.A
fewheadsturnanddon'tlookaway.Probablysurprisedtoseetheshootingvictimactuallyleaveher
apartment.Beingsuchasmalltown,everybodyknowseverydetailofwhathappenedtome.Frombeing
heldhostage,totheshooting,tomyrecovery.

ButIignorethemasIinhalethericharomaofcoffeeandmochaandmakemywaytothebackoftheshop
wherethegirlsareboundtobe.WhenIlooktothebackIseethemallhuddledatourusualtable,Tracey
justtakingherseat.Asteamingcupofjavaorteainfrontofeachgirlwithahazelnuthotchocolateplaced
infrontofanemptyseat.Thewhippedcreamswirledontopgivesmydrinkofchoiceaway.

Ismileatthegesture.

AssoonasImakeitoverallthegirlsstandandembraceme.First,onebyone,theycarefullywrapmeup
intheircomfortingarms.Thentheyallmoveinforagrouphug.Carefulnottojostlemetoomuch.

“It’ssogoodtoseeyououtandabout,”Traceysays,asshepullsawayfromthegrouphug.

“Finally,”Amberadds.Snarkysmileinplace.

“It’sgoodtobeout.”

WealltakeourseatsandasTraceyandIlookon,SamandAmberstartgossipingandtalkinglikethelast
coupleofweeksneverhappened.AndIcouldn'tbemorethankfultothemforthat.

Astheconversationflowsandwe'reallstillsittingaroundourusualtable,thirtyminuteslater,thebell
abovethedoorjinglesandalltheairseemstogetsuckedfromtheroom.I'mfacingthedoor,butbeforeI
evenliftmyheadIknowwhohasjustwalkedthrough.

It'sconfirmedwhenAmber,who’ssittingtomyright,gaspsthenmurmurs,"Ohmy,"loudenoughformost
oftheshoptohear.

AsImakeeyecontactwithKayson,Traceyleansacrossthetableandwhispers,"Doyouwantmetoask
himtoleave?"

IswingmyheadtolookatherbeforebringingmygazebacktoKayson.It'slikethere'samagneticforce
betweenus,becausewheneverhe'saroundme,Ican'tkeepmyeyesoffofhimforlong.

"No,don'tbesilly.”Butsheissodamnsweetforasking.

"Isthathim?"Ambersaysquietlyassheleansintomyear.Shedoesn'tneedtoexplainwhichguyshe's
askingabout,becauseeventhoughKaysonwalkedthroughthedoorwiththeverygoodlookingPaxton

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Miller,onlyoneofthemcan'ttaketheireyesoffofme.

BackincollegeItoldAmberaboutKayson.Alongwithdiscussionshereandtheresincethen.Butshe’s
neverseenwhathelookslike.

Untilnow.

"Yeah,"Ireply,barelyaudibleoverthechatteramongsttheshop,asIgetlostintakinghimin."That's
him."

Kaysonhasyettomoveawayfromthedoorortakehiseyesoffofme.He'sjuststandingthere,takingme
inasIdothesametohim.He'swearingadarkblueshort-sleevedshirtwithhislastnamestitchedonthe
frontanddarkblueslacks,thestandarduniformthatthePleasantBeachEMTswear.

Huh,he'samedic?

Man,doeshemakeitlookgood.Theshortsleevesarestretchedbyhisbulgingbicepsandthepantsfit
snuglyonhismuscularthighs.Asmyeyesperusebackup,passingwhatI'msureisstillasix-pack,back
uptohisface,IblushwhenIrealizethathecaughtmeoglinghimthiswholetime.Myfacemustberedas
adamntomato,andIcan'thelpbutduckmyheadslightlytotrytohidebehindacurtainofmydarkhair.

Kaysonshakeshisheadlightlywhenhenotices,beforetossingthatdamndimpledsmirkmyway.Causing
myblushtodeepen.

Heturnsaway,stillsmirking,andmyheartflutters.

Iwatchasheplaceshisorder,grabshiscoffee,thenwalksoutoftheshopwithonelastlook.

Andonelastsmirk.

Myheartfluttersagain.

Damnyoustupidheart.

KAYSON

"SoyouknowEmberMartinez?"

IslamthepassengerdoortotheambulancealittleharderthanIintendedwhenIhearPaxtonsayEmber's
name.

IwasluckythatmybossbackinPembrookewasunderstandingaboutthefamilyemergencyIhadtoget
backto.Grantwasalwaysgreat.HewasthereasonIbecameanEMTinthefirstplace.Grantwasmy
sponsorwhenIfirstgotcleanandgotoutofrehab.WhenIstartedgoingtomeetingshetoldmethathe
sawsomethinginmeandaskedifIeverthoughtoftryingtohelpothers.WhenItoldhimIhad,heletme
knowoftheprogramatthelocalcommunitycollege,helpedmegetenrolled,andthenninemonthslaterI
wascertified.It’sthankstohim,alongwithDamon,thatIwasabletogetahead.

Soknowingthathe’dunderstand,Icalledhimamongstthedebrisaftermybreakdowninthekitchen,and
toldhimIwasgivingmynoticeandleavingeffectiveimmediately.Ijustdidn'tlethimknowthefamily

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emergencywasformyex-girlfriend.Hedidn'tknowthattheonlyfamilyIhadleftwasmymomandthat
shediedafewyearsago.Allherdrinkingfinallycaughtuptoher.Goodfuckingriddance.Thisworldis
betterwithouthertaintingitwithherhatredandbittersoul.

WhenItoldmybossI'dbemovingbacktoPleasantBeach,hetoldmeabuddyofhisworkedforthefire
departmentandknewtheywerehiringanotherEMT.Itwaslikeitwasmeanttobeorsomeshit.SoI
packedthefewbelongingsIhadfrommyapartment,loadedupmytruck,anddrovethefewhoursback
home,prayingforthefirsttimeinalongtimethatEmberwouldsurviveallthis.

Iclearmythoughts,thenmythroatofthegrowlofjealousycrawlingupit,beforeIreply."Yeah,Ido.OrI
usedto."

"Usedto?"EventhoughI'mconsideredthenewguytothesquad,IforgetPaxtononlymovedherea
coupleofyearsagosohewouldn'tknowaboutthehistorybetweenEmberandme.Butthatdoesn'tmean
hisquestionsarenolesspissingmeoff.Ihatethatheevenlookedatherandnowhe'sspeakinghername
andaskingquestions.

Gettingpissedmaymakemeseemlikeanasshole,butIreallydon'tgiveafuck.I'mnotheretomake
friends.I'mheretotrytogetmygirlback.AndafterthelookEmberjustgavemewhileshestaredatme,I
thinkImayactuallyhaveachance.

I'mthinkingshemayhavecaughtontomewiththegiftsI'vebeensendingherallweek.Ikeptit
anonymousforareason,butguessedthatshe'dfigureitoutsoonerorlater.

Lookslikeitwassooner.

"Youbothcouldn'tkeepyoureyesoffofeachother,soI'mguessingyour'usedto'meanstherewasmore
thanfriendshipbetweenyoutwo?"Paxtonbreaksmefrommythoughts.

"Whatweareoraren'tdoesn'treallyconcernyou.Neitherdoesspeakinghername."

Paxtonsnapshisheadinmydirectionafterstartinguptheambulance,alookofconfusiontakingoverhis
face.Thenunderstandingtakesoverandhesmirks.

"Thefuckareyousmirkingabout?"

"Oh,nothing.Iheardyouwereanasshole.ButIdidn'ttakeyouassomewhippedasshole."

"Whatthefuckdidyoujustsaytome?"Mytoneincredulous.

"What?"Histoneknowing."Youjustwentcavemanonmeforsimplysayinghername.Beforethatyou
hadadopeylookonyourfacewhenyouwerelostinthought.You'reawhippedasshole."

Itakealonglookatthisfucker.Tanskin,styleddark-blondhair,blueeyes.YouraverageAll-American
goldenboy.Andhe'scallingmedopey?

"Idon'tknowwhothefuckyouthinkyou'retalkingtolikethat.Butitisn'tme.Mindyourbusinessand
we'llgetalongjustfine.Allright?"

"Whateveryousay.”

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Ithinkhe’sfinallydonetalking,butheisn’t.

“Dopey."

Thatmotherfucker.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

EMBER

SamconvincedmetomakeitoutforourmonthlylunchdateatSophie'sKitchen.WhenIwalkedinI
wasn'tsurprisedtoseeTraceyandAmbersittingtheretoo,atourusualtable.Ithadbeenalmosttwo
weekssincemeetingthematTheCoffeePress,andalmostthesameamountoftimesinceI’veheardfrom
Kayson,too.AdayafterIsawhimanotherpackageshowedupatmydoorstep.

WhatIwassurprisedaboutthough,wastheambushofthemtryingtoconvincemetogooutwiththemfor
agirls’snight.

AlthoughIshouldn'thavebeen.

TheyinformedmethatIhadfeltsorryformyselflongenoughandthatitwastimeformetogetbacktothe
landoftheliving.TheyunderstandwhatIwentthroughwastraumatic.Theyjustdon'twanttoseeme
revertbacktothosedarkdaysagain.ThosewereAmber’swords.

Irolledmyeyesbutofcourseagreed.Icanneversaynotothem.

Atmyagreement,SamwhoopedsoloudtheentiredinerlookedoveratourtableintimetoseeAmber
andTraceyhigh-fivethenproceedtodoahappydanceintheirseats.Itriedtoshushthemandhidebehind
mymenuastheygiggledatmydiscomfort.Enjoyingitperusual.

AsI'msteppingout,shakingmyheadatrememberingtheiranticsandtryingtothinkofwhatIwillwear
tonight,I'mnotpayingattentionandbumpintoasolidwallofmuscle.

IstaggerbackasmallstepandlookupintothekindhazeleyesofDamon,who'sdressedinuniform.A
smilestretchesmyfaceasIblushinembarrassment.

"Alwayssograceful,"hemuttersthroughachuckleinhisdeepdrawl.

"Iknow,sorry.Ijustleftthegirlsandtheyhadmelostinmythoughts.They'retryingtogetmetogoout
tonight,"IreplyasIrollmyeyes.

Istepawayfromthedoorwhenheindicateswithhisrighthandtofollowhimasheshakeshisheadatmy
response.Onesideofhismouthliftingintoasmirkrevealingoneofhistwodimples."Ishouldhave
known."

Wefallinstepandshareasmalllaughbeforewestopatthecornerandhisfaceturnsserious.Iknow
what'scomingbeforeheevenasksbecausehealwaysgetsthesame,hardlookonhisfacebeforeanything
todowiththeshootingisbroughtup.

"Howareyoufeeling?"Hisvoiceisdeeperandrougherthanitwasjustamomentago.

"I'mgood,Damon.I'mdoingrealwell.Stillalittlesore,butI'mdoingbetter,"Ireplysoftly.

"Youknowyoudon'thavetolietome,right?"

TheconfusionIfeelmustbeplayingoutonmyfacebecausebeforeIcanaskwhathe'stalkingabout,he
responds,"Iseetheuneaseandfearbehindthosericheyesofyours,Em.Sodon'tlietomeandtellme

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you'reokaywhenIknowyou'relosingsleepatnight.JustknowI'malwayshereforyoutotalktoifyou
needto."

There’snosignofhappy-go-luckyDamontobefound,asalookofunderstandingseemstocrossoverhis
face,behindhiseyes.Likeheknowsthesamepain.Butitpassesjustasquickly,asdoesthesubject.

"Haveyoutoldhim?"

I'dmuchprefertogobacktodiscussingmysleeplessnightsandadmitthetruthaboutmynightmaresthen
discusswhatIknowhe'sasking.

"Hedeservestoknow,"hestatessimplyyetfirmly."Icouldunderstandwhyyoukeptitfromhimallthese
years.Ididn'tagreewithit,butitwasn'tmyplace.Butnowthathe'sback,thathe'smadeitclearhe'shere
tostay,hehasarighttoknow."

Ashiswordssettleoverme,amixtureofpainandshameconsumeme.Painatthereminderandshamefor
stillnottellingKaysonaboutourson.

IlowermyeyesastonotseethedisappointmentinDamon's."Iknowhedoes,Damon.Iknow.Ijust
haven'tfoundtherighttime."

"Therewillneverbearighttime,Em.Imean,fuck.Hemayhavemadesomehugemistakesinhislife.
Oneofthebiggestbeingthewayheendedthingswithyou.Butnooneisperfectandhehaseveryrightto
know."

Myeyessnapbackuptohis.Theaudacityofhim!

"Iknowhedid,Damon!"Isayinalowandguardedtone."Iknowhehasaright—"

"No,Idon'tthinkyoudo,Ember.AndIthinkyoulikepunishinghimforhispastmistakes.Ithinkyoulike
ittoomuch.ButIalsothinkyou'rescaredbecauseyouknowitwon'tendwellforyou."

IlookupatDamon.Shocked,saddened,andoutraged.Tearsthreateningtofall.

Heseestheemotionflitacrossmyfaceandhiseyessoften.

"Look.I'mnottryingtobeanasshole."Iscoffathim.Henarrowshiseyesatme."Idon'tplaygames.You
knowthis.SowhenIsayI'mnottryingtobeanasshole,Ifuckingmeanit."Heshiftshisstance,bringing
hisarmstocrossoverhisbroad,uniformedchest."ButwhatIamtryingtodoispushyouintheright
direction,becauseinorderforyoubothtomoveonandheal,whetherasacoupleornot,youneedtotell
himwhathe'slost.Becauseasmuchasyouhateit,hedoesdeservetoknow."

Withthoselastwords,Damonmuttersa"thinkaboutit"andleansintoplaceakisstomycheekbefore
walkingoffbehindme.

Leavingmetoostunnedtoreply.

****

Therun-inIhadwithDamonplayslikeahighlightreelthroughmymind.Ican’tshakehiswords.

Howdidheknowaboutmynightmares?EachnightasIclosemyeyes,theyravagemydreamsandtear

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throughmythoughts.

Istillcan'tshakethatfeelingoffearanddesperation.Ican'tunhearthescreamsofthekids,theexploding
soundofgunsbeingfired,Damon'sfranticvoiceashefelltohiskneesbymysidetoapplypressuretomy
wounds.Tocradlemyheadinhislapandpleadingwithmetoholdon.Ican'tunfeeltheburnofthe
bulletssingeingandtearingthroughmyskin,fightingforbreath,wardingoffthedarkness.

Ireliveeachscream,eachsob,andeachbullet.

Sohowdidheknowwhennobodyelsedoes?

Thentherearehisthoughtsandopinionsonthebiggestissue.ThesecretI’mnottellingKayson.

Itisn’tthatI’mtryingtopunishhim.I’mnot.I’vejustletitgoforsolong,andsomuchtimehaspassed
sincethelossofourson,thattellinghimnowfeelswrong.

Iknowhedeservestoknow.Hedidfouryearsagoandhedoesnow.

ButIknowonceIrevealtohimthelossofoursonthatIwon'tbeinnocentinthisanymore.AndI'mnot
readytoforgivehimyet.

Awaveofsadnesswashesoverme.IknowI'mbeingselfish,butIcan'tbringmyselftotellhimyet.I
will.Ihaveto.ButIjustcan'tyet.

Steelingmyresolve,IpushmyconversationwithDamontothebackofmymindtofocusonthehereand
now,andrightnowit’stimetofinishgettingreadyforgirls’snight.

Thegirlshavebeentryingtogetmeoutofthehousefortwoweeksnow.PrettymuchsincetheminuteI
arrivedhomefromthehospital.ButI'vebeenputtingitoffforaslongaspossiblebecauseoftheshooting
andthenmyrecovery.

Soneedlesstosay,I’mnottoosurprisedthattheyambushedmethewaytheydidthisafternoonwiththe
newsthatwe’dbegoingouttonight.

Noquestions,norefusals.

Ineededdrinks,dancing,anddick,asSamsoeloquentlyputit.

Thatgirl.Letmetellyou.Spitfire.

Iwastold,welldemandedreally,thatIbereadyby8:00p.m.sharpandthey'dbehereforapregame
drinkwhilepickingmeup.ThesegirlshavehadmybackforsolongIfinallyhadtogivein.They've
pulledmeoutofmyshell,broughtoutmysass,andhavedriedmoretearsandcausedmorelaughsthanI
couldevercount.SohereIam,standinginfrontofthefull-lengthmirrorthathangsfromthecharcoalgray
wallsofmybedroom,assessingmyoutfitchoice,whenmydoorbellrings.

Iwalkdownthehallfidgetingwiththetoo-tight,too-shortdressthatSaminsistedIwear,thatsheknewI
washidinginthebackofmycloset.Ifinallymakeittomyfrontdoorasitburstsopenwiththreeofthe
mostbeautifulwomenIknow—insideandout.

Lordhelpus,themenwillbesalivatingtonight.

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SamandAmberburstthroughfirstwithTraceyfollowingcloselybehind.Alldressedtotheninesand
readytodance.

Samhasherlong,darkauburnhairdonehalfup,halfdownwithapoofonherhead.Hermakeupisdone
uplikeapro.Andshe'srockingafireenginereddressadornedwithasequinedbodice.

Tracey,whoisallfirecrackerontheinsideandtimidontheoutside,iswearingadeepmagentadress
withherlightbrown,waist-longhairdoneupinloosecurlslikemine.Lightlydone,flawlessmakeup
enhancesherfeaturesandhershoesaretodiefor.

ThenthereisAmber,whoisdressedinaroyalbluebabydolldressandblackheelstoppedwithabowat
theankle.Shehashermedium-length,redhairpulledbackinasleekponytail.

WhatIwashopingtobealow-keynightoutwithmygirlsdefinitelywon'tbehappeningwiththeoutfits
thisgroupiswearing,that'sforsure.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.

IsnapoutofmyassessmentofmybestfriendsasIhearSamletoffawolfwhistle.Ispinaroundtomy
livingroomtoseeallthegirlshuddledtogethernow,assessingme.

"Iknewthatdresswasperfectfortonight.Youlooksmokinghot,babe."

Iblushundertheirscrutinyandthecollectiveagreementamongstthegroup.

Amberwalksintotheopenkitchenandplacesabagdownonthekitchencounterbeforerummaging
throughmyfridgeforthesodashe'ssuretofind.

ShepullsitoutandplacesitnexttothebottleofJackDanielsonthecounterbeforeasking,"Drinksor
shots?"

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CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN

EMBER

AfteranhourandacoupleroundsofdrinksandshotsthegirlsandIstumbledontotheelevatorandmade
ourwaydownMainStreettotheonlyclubinoursmalltown,Smoke.

WewalkrightbyMo,thebouncer,justlikeeveryotherSaturdaynightwe'vecometodance.Hegivesme
achinliftanda"goodtoseeyou"beforeImakeitinsidebehindtherestofthegirls.

Thefamiliarsceneofclub-goersdancing,drinking,andflirtingwelcomingmeintothedimlylitclub.

Itakeadeepbreathasafeelingofnormalcycomesoverme.Iguessthegirlswereright;comingout
tonightisgoingtobegoodforme.

AsIscantheclubinfrontofme,takinginthemodernandindustrialatmosphere,IstartlewhenSamand
Traceycomeuptome.

“I’mgoingtogofindaboothandthenmeetthemonthedancefloor,”Samshoutsoverthemusicblasting
throughtheclub,vibratingoffthewallsanddancingbodies,asshepointstoTraceyandAmbertomyleft.
“Doyouwanttocomewithmeorgostraighttothedancefloorwiththem?”

Sambumpsmyhipatherquestion,andIwinceslightlyatthetendernessIstillfeelinmystomach.The
walkoverinheelsprobablywasn’tthesmartestidea.Sheseestheflashofpaincrossovermyfacebefore
Icancoolmyfeatures.IofferupasmallsmilebeforeIgivemyresponse.

“I’mgoingtowalkovertothebartoorderaroundofdrinks,thenI’llgoovertothetableyouchoose.I’m
goingtositthisdanceoutfornow.”

Shenodsinunderstandingandgivesmetheirdrinkordersbeforeweallsplitup.

AfterplacingtheorderwiththebartenderbehindthebarandaskingthemtodelivertotheboothIpointto
behindmethatSampicked,Imakemywayovertoit.Iofferafewapologiesafterbumpingintoafew
gyratingbodiesbetweenthechromehigh-toptables,andhuffabreathasIplopintotheboothseat.

BeforeIknowitawaiterisbringingoverthetrayofdrinksalongwithapitcherofwatertoshare.“Thank
you.”

Heslidesmeasmirkthenawinkbeforewalkingaway.Iblushattheact.

AsItakeasipofmystrawberrydaiquiri,Ilookuptothedancefloortoseethegirlsdancingtheirhearts
out.Ambernoticesmewatchingandgivesmeasassyshakeofherhips,makingmelaugh.

Iwaveovertothemasthegrouplooksoverandtheyalloffermeawaveorsmileinreturnbefore
returningtofinishdancingtothesongplaying.

Whilesittingattheboothandlookingaround,takinginthedécorthathasn’tchangedabit,Ifeela
presencetomyright.

Ilookupandthereheis.

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Kaysonismakinghiswaytowardme,wearingdarkwashjeansandablackbutton-upshirt,untuckedat
hiswaistbandandunbuttonedatthecollar.

Itissounfairhowamazinghelooksallofthetime.It’seffortless.

Myheartskipsabeatashemakesittothetable.

BeforeIcanthinkbetterofit,Iblurtout,“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

ItcomesoutabitharsherthanIintended,buthe’sbeenkeepinghisdistancelikeIaskedthesepastcouple
ofweeksandhisappearancehere,now,shocksme.

Ishefollowingme?

Iofferaglaretogowithmyquestionasthatthoughtfiltersthroughmymind.AndKaysonsmirks.

Hesmirks.Thebigjerk.

“Damonmayhavetoldmeaboutyourrun-intodayandhemayhaveletitslipaboutgirls’snight.Since
thereisonlyoneclubintownItookachancethatyoudidn’tleavePleasantBeach.”Heshrugsasifthat’s
explanationenough.AsifthisisanySaturdaynightandhe’sdonethisdozensoftimesbefore.Heshrugs
asifIwasn’tshotjustashortfewweeksagoandthatwehaven’tbeenseparatedforoverfouryears.

Thenerveofhim.

“Idon’tknowwhatthepurposeofyoushowingupheretonightwas,butIcantellyouthatwhateverit
was,isn’tgoingtohappen.”Igivehimadismissivelookbeforelookingbacktothedancefloortomake
surethegirlshaven’tnoticedhim.Itdoesn’tseemthattheyhave,soIswingmygazebackuptohis.

Hestillhasn’tlookedawayfromme.

“Comeon,Ember.IsawthewayyoulookedatmelastweekatTheCoffeePress.IknowyouknowI’m
theonewhoissendingthosedeliveries.Letmesitwithyouforalittlewhile.I’llhaveaglassofwater
andwecantalkoverdrinks.Catchup.”

He’stryingtoseemunaffectedbymybrush-off,butIseeitinhiseyes.He’snervous.Andhurt.

“LikeIalreadysaid,Idon’tknowwhatyouexpectedtohappentonight,butitisn’thappening,soyoucan
leave.I’mnotreadytocatchup,totalkaboutoldtimes—nothing.I’mheretohaveacoupleofdrinksand
spendsometimewithmygirls.”

“Youshouldn’tbedrinkingwhileyou’reonpainmedication,Ember.”Hisvoiceishard.

“Asamatteroffact,Ihaven’tbeentakingmypainpillsforthelastweek.Notthatitisanyofyour
concern.”Ishakemyheadslightlyandpickupmydrink.“Youcangonow,Kayson.”

Ihearhimhuffafrustratedbreathbeforehespeaks.“You’regoingtohavetotalktomeeventually.You
knowthis,Iknowthis,thewholedamntownknowsthis.Thesoonerwedothequickerwe’llgetitover
with.Thenmaybeyou’llunderstandmoreandfinallyacceptthatI’mbackforgood.”

Hiscasualtonedoesnothingbutpissmeoff.

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“Wellitwon’tbetonight.Sodousbothafavorandleave.WheneverI’mreadytotalkwithyou,I’lllet
youknow.Butitsureashellwon’tbemyfirstnightoutthough,that’sfordamnsure.”Mytoneishardand
irritated.Itseemsthathe’sfinallygottenitthroughhisheadthatI’mnottalking,nordoIwanttohangout
withhim.

Icatchhimturnandwalkawaythroughthecrowdofgawkinggirlsfromthecornerofmyeye.

JealousyovercomesmeasIseetheireyesfollowKaysonthroughtheclub,ashegetslostinthecrowd.

IshakeoffthefeelingasallthegirlsexceptSamreturntothetableandtaketheirdrinks.

ThenIknowwhy.

IoverseeSamtalkingwithKaysonandimmediatelyhopoutoftheboothandrushover.Fromthecorner
ofmyeyeIseeAmbergrabTracey’sarm,likeshe’sholdingherbackfromjoiningSam.

Imaybewaryaboutlettingthemanwhoobliteratedmyheartbackintomylife,butIcan'ttosshimtothe
wolves,alsoknownasmybestfriends.

AsI'mwalkingoverIcatchtheendofherrant.

"...youhavesomemajorfuckingballsshowingyourfacearoundhereagain,fucktard.Soifyouplanon
stickingaroundyoubetterplanonfightingforher.AndImeanfight.Doyouhearme?Shewantsthe
StatueofLiberty?Youbetteruprootthefuckerandputitinheryard.Yougetme?"Samfiresoff,tossing
herhandsonherhipswhilethrowinghersignaturesassaround.

IfthehairflipcomesoutIknowwe'reallintrouble.

"Okay.That'senoughcatchingupfornow,"Isayaloud,quicklyglancingoveratKaysonwhileshovingmy
crazy,overprotective,beautifulbestfriendaway.Heshakeshisheadandturnsaway.

"Thanksforthat,"Isayonlyloudlyenoughforhertohear,whileshesmilesatmelikethecatwhoatethe
canarybeforeturningbacktoKayson,withherbestevilglare,andgivinghimtheuniversalsignfor'I'm
watchingyou.'

Yeah,didImentionshe'soverprotective?God,Ifuckingloveherthough.Shejustgetsme,andifitwasn't
forherandtheothergirls,whoknowswhereI'dberightnow.

"Whatthehell,Sam?DidyoudrinkthebarofalltheJDalready?We'veonlybeenhereanhour!"Itryto
bitebackmysmile,butIcan'tcontainitandagiggleburststhrough.

Andcuetheshit-eatinggrinofhersyetagain.“What?Heneededtoknowwhatitwasgoingtotaketowin
youback.Whetheritbeasfriendsormore.Youknowhowwefeelabouthim,butwealsoknowit’sall
uptoyou.SoIwasjustmakingitclearthathehashisworkcutoutforhim.”

IofferheranothershakeofmyheadbeforeIask,“Whatdidhesay?”Ididn’thearhimreply,butthat
doesn’tmeanhedidn’t.

“Girl,please,Ididn’tgivehimthechancetogetawordin.Idon’thavetimetolistentohisexcuses.”

AtherreplyIcatchsightofKaysonpushingthroughtherestofthecrowd,andjustashedisappears

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completely,“WorthIt”byFifthHarmonystartsblastingthroughthespeakers.

Whattiming.

“Let’sfuckingdance,”Samshoutsasshetugsmetothedancefloor,therestofmygirlsintow.Wherewe
shakeandshimmyandlaughthroughthewholesong.Headsthrownback.Armsraisedintheair.

Theywereright,thisisexactlywhatIneeded.


KAYSON

Tonightdidnotgoasplanned.

That’sfinethough.Iknewitwouldn’tbeeasyandSamwasn’ttellingmeanythingIdidn’tknow.

I’mreadytofightforEmber.I’mreadytoprovetoherthatI’machangedman,andthatIcanbetheman
shedeserves.

Fuckthepast.Fuckallthehurtandthetimewehadtosufferapart.I’mbackandI’mheretostay.

HearingSamreiteratehowhardIwasgoingtohavetoworktowinEmberbackdefinitelyhadasurgeof
urgencyrushingthroughme.IknowinthegrandschemeofthingsIhaven’tbeenbackthatlong,butfuck,
shehasn’tevenletmeuttermorethanafewwordstoherwheneverIseeher.

IknewshowingupatSmoketonightcouldgoeitherway.Andtobehonest,Ifigureditwouldbea
struggle,butIdidn’tseeEmberbeingascoldasshewas.Ashard.Iguessouryearsapartdamagedher
morethanIthought.

Tonightwasn’tatotaldisappointmentthough.BecausewhenIturnedbacktolookouttothedancefloor
afterEmberpulledSamawayfromme,IcaughtaglimpseofthecarefreeEmberfromfouryearsago.
Whenshitwasgoodbetweenus.

Shewasdancingwithherfriends.Shakingherluscioushipsandass.Runningherhandsthroughherhair
assheliftedthemintotheair.Butwhatcaughtmyattentionthemost,whatalmostbroughtmetomyknees
rightthereinthatclub,wasthesmilelightingupherface.

ItwasthesmileIhaveyettoseeoncesincemyreturn.Itwasthesmilethatalwayshadmepressingmy
lipstoherswhenweweretogetherallthoseyearsago.Anditwasthatsmilethatlivedinmydreamseach
nightasIclosedmyeyes.

Shewasradiant,gorgeous,andmostofall,happy.IvowedthenandtherethatIwouldbethereason
behindthatsmile.Andfuckingsoon.

Lostinmythoughts,Ididn’tmeantocometoEmber’sapartment.Iwasjustdrivingthebackroadstrying
toclearmyhead.ThenallofasuddenI’mtakingarightontoMainStreetandswingingmyjackedup
Chevytruckintothevisitor’sparkingspotatherapartmentcomplex.

Ah,fuckit.I’lljustsithereandmakesureshemakesithomesafely.FromwhereI’mparkedIhavethe
perfectviewofthesideentrancethatisonherside.

Butwhatifsheisdroppedoffandgoesthroughthefrontdoor?

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WiththatIamhoppingoutofmytruckandmakingmywayintoherapartmentbuilding,takingtheelevator
uptoherfloor,andslidingmypatheticassdownherdoortotakeaseat.

WhoknowshowlongI’llbewaitinghere.Butthatdoesn’tmatter.

IwouldwaitforaneternityforherifIhadto.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT

EMBER

I’mstillboppingaroundto“WorthIt”inmyheadwhenIstepofftheelevatorandcometoanabruptstop.
SittingagainstmyapartmentdoorisKayson.

Andhe’slookingrightatme.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Ifeellikeabrokenrecord.

Heslowlystandsupbeforehereplies.

“Ijustwantedtomakesureyoumadeithomesafely.”Helooksabitnervous,buthiseyesdarkenashe
takesmeinunderthefluorescentlightsofthehallway.“Sinceyouhadbeendrinkingandall.”

Iignorethewarmththatspreadsthroughtothetipsofmytoesathissweetgestureandmovenexttohimto
unlockmyfrontdoor.Carefulnottobrushmyarmagainsthischestwhenhedoesn’tgivememuchroom
tomaneuver.

AsIgetthedoorunlockedandwalkthroughthedoorway,IfeelwarmthhitmybackandKayson’swarm
breathflutteragainstthetopofmyhead.Irubmyhandsupmyarmstomasktheshudderthatrunsthrough
me.IspintolookathimwhenIhearmyfrontdoorcloseandthelockclick.

Hestandsattheentranceofmyapartmentashishoodedgazescansmefromheadtotoethenbackup
again.Rakinghisglazedeyesovermylittleblackdress,wedgesandals,thenbackuptomyloosely
curledhair.BallinghismassivehandsathissideswhilewatchingintentlyasIbitemybottomlip.

Igotoliftmythumbtobiteatmynailnervously,outofhabit,whenheshootsacrossthespace,separating
usinthreestrides.

There’sashiftintheairaroundus.Asexualtensionsosuddenandsothicksurroundingusyoucouldcutit
withabutterknife.

Iswallowhardashestaresdownintomyeyes.

"AmImakingyounervous,Em?"heasksquietlyashegrabsmyraisedhand,suspendedbyshock."You
usedtoalwaysbiteyournailswhenyouwerenervous.It'syourtell."Liftingmythumbtohismouthhe
nipsthepadgentlythenplacesmyopenpalmoverhischest,overhiswildlybeatingheart."I'mnervous
too,baby."

I’mtooshockedathisboldmovetosayanything.Toprotest.Tosnatchmyhandawayfromhisgrasp.

I’malsotooturnedontomove.

Thenwithoutwarning,hislipsareclaimingmineinasearingkisssuretobruisemylips,andI'mup
againstmyclosedfrontdoor.

Eventhoughhedidn’tslammeagainstthedoor—likeIknowhe’dliketo—duetomystillsoreinjuries,
hisintensityisnolessexplosive.

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Hispassionisablazingheatscorchingmyskin.Ignitinganinfernodeepwithinme.Helightsmeupfrom
theinsideout.I'mfreefalling.Chasingthatfeelingofweightlessness.Oflettinggoandjustbeing.His
handsareeverywhere.Touchingandfeelingandgroping.Needingandwantingandcraving.He'shardand
soft.Tenderandrough.Lovinganddemanding.He'severythingallatonce.

Justasquicklyasheravagedmymouthhe'spullingawayanddroppingtohisknees."Iknowwestillhave
alottodiscuss.AndIknowI'mafuckingasshole.But,baby,givemethis.Please?Letmetasteyouand
makeyoufeelgood.Letmeremindyourheartofwhatyourbodyalreadyknows.Ineedyourtasterunning
thoughmyveins."

Hiseyeshavedarkenedtoagraythat’salmostnavy,andashepeersupatmewiththosepleadingdark
eyes,shakingwithhisrestraint,Igivein.BecauseeversinceKaysonWilliamsslammedbackintomylife
allI'vewantedistofeelhistouchagain.Nomatterhowbadlyhe'shurtme,orhowdeeplyIwishIcould
hatehim,IthinkI'llalwayswanthim.AndLordknowsit'sbeenalongtimesinceI'vefeltthetendertouch
ofapassionateman.

Sowithanod,Iconsent,andhisrestraintsnaps.Quickerthanlightninghehasmydresshikeduptomy
waistandmypantiesshreddedfrommybody.IthappenedsofastandI'mtooturnedontocare.

WiththefirstswipeofhistongueI'mmoaningoutinpleasure.

"Fuck,"hegroans."Iforgothowgoodyoutaste,baby."Hebreathesagainstmytenderflesh.Workingmy
clitwithhisteethandtonguelikeamanstarved,likeI'mhislastmeal."Letmeseeyoucome,baby,I
wannawatchyoufallapart."

Thatendearmentshouldhavemepushinghimaway,butIpushbackthememoriesthatstarttofilter
throughwhenhesucksmyclitintohismouthandthepleasuretakesover.

Heslidestwofingersintomyquiveringsex,andbeforeIknowitmybackisarchingoffthedoor,myeyes
arerollingshut,andwhitelightsareexplodingbehindmyeyelids.I'mgasping,shaking,squirming.Ican't
feelmylegsthathavesomehowbeendrapedoverKayson'sshouldersduringmyecstasy.Mybodygoing
numbfromthemostexquisiteorgasmofmylife.

WhenIcometo,myfeetarebackonthefloor,legsweak,chestheaving,breathingchoppy.Kaysonhasme
bracedagainstthedoorbehindme,handstomyhips.Hislipsglisteningwithmyarousal,hiseyeslitwith
hunger.

Ilookupintohisgrayeyes.Lostinwonder.

Oncethecloudofeuphoriadissipatesaroundus,theshockofwhatIlethappensettlesoverme.

OhmyGod,whathaveIdone?

WhatdidIjustlethappenafterIsworetomyselfIwouldmakehimworkformytime?

“OhGod,”Iwhisperaloud,loudenoughforKaysontohear.Sothesmilethatstartedtolifthislips
quicklydropsasheseesthetearsshiningbrightinmyeyes.

Hiseyeslosetheirheatandthenslideclosedashestepsback,awayfromme.

Mylegsarenowshakingforawholenewreason.

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ShockconsumesmeasIutterthroughthefingersplacedagainstmylips.“Ijustletyougetbackintomy
pantswithoutanystruggleatall.”

“Ember,baby,relax—”

“Relax?Ijustletyoudothattomeagainstmyfrontdoorforgoodness’sake.Ibarelyputupafight.Ilet
youkissmeandtouchmeasifwehaven’tspentthelastfouryearsapart.Imean,goddamnit,Kayson,we
haven’tevenhadaconversationsinceyoucamebacktoPleasantBeach.Wewentfromoneextremetothe
other.”Shamerollsoverme,mixingwiththepleasurestillcoursingthroughmyveins.

“ForChrist’ssake,Ember,I’vebeentryingtotalktoyou.Whycan’tyoustopandletyourheartlistento
whatyourbodyistellingyou?”

“Becausemybodyisadamnfool,andIcan’tforgetwhatyouputmethrough.”

Firstwhenyouleftme,andthenwhenyouleftmealonetodealwithourson’sdeath.

IpushoffthedoorandfinishrightingmydresssoI’mcompletelycoveredagain,ignoringthethoughtthat
justranthroughmyhead.

“JesusChrist,ifyou’djustgivemeachanceyou’dseethatIhavechanged,grown,andmatured.”

Ihuffabreath,notbelievinghimbecauseeversincehe’sreturnedallhe’sproventomeisthathe’sstill
justaspossessive,hotheaded,andselfishasever.Ifhereallyiscleanrightnow,who’stosaythatthe
drugswon’tfollowagain?

“It’sthefuckingtruth,Ember.”Hesurprisesmebyyelling,histempergettingthebestofhimasmydoubt
fillsthesilence.“Ifit’sthedrugsyou’reworriedaboutIcanpromiseyouthatIamclean.Ihavebeenever
sinceIwokeupinthathospitalroomtwoyearsagofromalmostdyingofanoverdose.”

Uttersilencefollowshiswords.Ifreezelikeabucketoficewaterhasbeendowsedovermyhead.“What
didyoujustsay?”

“AlittleovertwoyearsagoIwokeupinthehospitalafterhavingmystomachpumped.Iwasfoundbymy
landlord,unconsciousonmytrashedapartmentfloorandrushedtotheemergencyroom.”

Idon’tbelievewhatI’mhearing.Hecan’tbetellingmethathealmostdied.Thattherewasalmosta
worldwithoutKaysoninit.

Wemayhavebeenapart,amillionhurtsandliesmayhaveseparatedus,butIneverthoughtofaworld
withouthiminit.Ofcoursewithhislifestylewhenheleftme,Ishouldn’tbesurprisedoverthisnews.But
itdoesn’thurtanyless.

SilenttearsarestreamingdownmyfaceasIlookupatKayson.

"DoyouwanttoknowwhatmyfirstthoughtwaswhenIwokeupinthathospitalbedtwoyearsago?
Huh?Itwasn'taboutme,howIgotthere,orwhathappened.No.Itwasyou,Ember.You!Becauseeven
aftertwoyearswithoutyou,mythoughtswerestillconsumedbyyouandmyheartstillownedbyyou."

Agaspworkspastmylipsathisadmission.Ibringahandtothebaseofmythroat.

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Hetakesasteptowardme."Sofromthatdayforward,Ivowedtopickupthepiecesofthewreckagethat
becamemylifesoIcouldmakeitbacktoyou,baby.You.Becauseyouaremine."

Mine.Hispossessivetoneworksthroughmybody,mixingwiththegriefIfeeloverhiswords.

Hecontinueson."Icheckedmyselfintothehospital-providedrehabcenter.Suffereddaysofwithdrawals.
Cleanedmyselfup.Lookedaroundmytrashedstudioapartmentandsawhowitresembledeveryaspectof
mylife.IneededdirectionandknewIwantedtohelppeople,soIenrolledinthemedictrainingcourse
andcertificateprogramandhavebeenamedicforalittleoveroneyearnow."

There’sprideinhisvoiceashetellsmeaboutbecominganEMT.Ican’thelpbutfeelitaswell.

“Soyousee?I’veturnedmylifearound.I’mclean,Ihaveajob,andnowI’mbackforyou.Because
althoughIknowlettingyougowasn’tthewrongdecision,howIdiditwas.Inevercheatedonyou,
Ember.Ineversleptwiththatgirl.Iwashighanddrunkoffmyass;Idon’trememberallthatIdid.ButI
doknowthatIneversleptwithher.Afteryouchargedoutofthathouseparty,Damontookmehome.”He
swallowshard,hisAdam’sapplebobbing.“ThatnextmorningImadethedecisionthatwhenIfinally
talkedtoyouI’dlietopushyouaway,becauseIknewdeepdownthatyouwouldneverhavewalked
awayotherwise.”

Emotionglazeshiseyesandclogshisthroat.

Itfeelsasthoughiceisrunningthroughmyveins.Thiscolddoseofrealitybringingclaritytothesituation.
Notonlyfortheoldwoundshe’srippingopen,butalsofortheoneshe’sthreateningtoreveal.

I’mnotreadytotellhimyet.Notevenclose.NotwhenIhaven’tevenhadthechancetodigestthisnew
information.

“Youneedtoleave.”

Hewincesslightlyatmydemandthenconfusionslidesacrosshisface.

“Ember—”

“No,youneedtoleavenow.”Iopenthedoor,signalinghimtowalkout.

Ican’tevenlookathim.

Theimageofhimaloneinrehabsearingintomybrain.Thememoryofthathousepartyoverfouryears
agorippingthroughmythoughts.TheshameofnottellinghimaboutourlosswhenIhadtheopportunity
consumingme.

Ashewalksthroughthedoorhespinstosaysomething,butthistime,I’mtheoneclosingthedoor.

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CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE

KAYSON

“Sowhathappened?”DamonasksashewalksuptothetableatSophie’sKitchen.Accusingmewithhis
eyesashesitsdown.Withaliftofhisbrowhewaitsformyreply.

Impatientbastard.

“Goodmorningtoyoutoo,asshole.”

“Well,Itoldyoulastnightwouldn’tbeagoodideaandsinceyoutextedmeateighto’clockonaSunday
morningtellingmetomeetyouassoonaspossible,Ifigureditcouldn’thavegonewell.”

“Yeah,yeah,yeah.”Iglareathim.

“Spill,dude,”hesaysoverhiscoffeemug.

“Lastnightwasn’tatotalsuccess.WhenIgottotheclubSamrippedintomeandAmberendeduphaving
toholdTraceyback.”

“Shockerthere.Samiscrazyonthebestofdays,dude.ProtectiveSamisevencrazier.AndasforTracey,
youknowshe’ddoanythingforEm.Includingbeatingyourass.”Hesmirkswhilesomethingelseshiftsin
hiseyes.Somethinghasbeengoingonwiththosetwo.ButIcan’tfocusonthemwhenIneedtofocuson
Emberandfixingus.

“Thatisn’twherethenightendedthough.”IholdinmygroanwhenIthinkofEmbergettinglostinmeand
mymouth.IswearIcanstilltasteheronmytongue,andthatthoughtcausesmydicktojacktolife.Ishift
uncomfortably,tryingtoeasemyerectionaway.

“Aw,man,whatthefuckdidyoudo?”Damonsoundsexasperatedbecauseheknowswherethisisgoing.

“ItookadrivetoclearmyheadandsomehowendedupatEmber’sapartment.Iwasgoingtowaitinmy
truckinthesidelottomakesureshegothomesafely,sinceshewasdrinking.”Hegivesmeaskeptical
look,butIcontinueonandignoreit.“ButthenIrememberedthatIdidn’tseehercarintheparkinglot
whenIleftsothatmeantshe’dbedroppedoff.SoIwentuptoherfloorandwaitedbyherapartmentdoor
untilshegothome.”

“JesusChrist,”hemutterstohimself,causingmetopause.Butyetagain,Iignorehim.

“Shewassurprisedtoseemesittingthere,tosaytheleast,butshedidletmein.ButassoonasIwalked
throughthedoormyplansoftalkingturnedintoahellofalotmorewithherstandingthereinhersexy-as-
fuckdressandheels.”

Justthinkingofherlastnighthasmehard.Again.Ishakemyheadofthevisionshewaslastnight.
“BecauseofthatIthoughtImighthavehadaninforustofinallytalk.Butmebeingme,meansIsaidthe
wrongfuckingthingandtoldheraboutwhyIgotcleanandthenshetossedmeout.”

IrunmyhandsovermyfaceandthroughmyhairwhenIthinkofthelookonherfaceassheslammedthe
doorinmymine.Iwasshockedthatmytellingheraboutmyoverdosewouldelicitsuchareactionfrom

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her.AllIseemtodosinceIcamebackismakehercryormakeherangry.IexpectthatwithhowIleft
thingsandwithmyabruptreturn,butwe’veseeneachotherahandfuloftimesnow.You’dthinkIcould
makesomeleewaywithherandgethertoremembersomeofthegood.Notjustthebad.

Especiallyafterthatorgasm.Butitseemedtohavetheoppositeeffect.

WhenIstarttothinkofotherwaystogetEmbertoopenuptomeandconsiderasecondchance,Damon
interruptsmythoughts."Youcan'tjustwaltzbackintoherlife,hitherovertheheadlikesomefucking
caveman,anddraghertoyourcave."HescoffslikeI’mafuckingidiot.“Youneedtotalktoher.”

“I’vetriedtalkingtoher.I’vetriedignoringthepast,I’vetriedtalkingaboutit,I’vetriedexplainingwhyI
soberedup.HencewhyIfinallyspilledabouttheoverdoseandhowitchangedme.Allofit,I’vetriedall
ofit.Butsheeitherstartscryingoryellingandthenpushesmeaway.”

"Sheneedstime,dude.Time.Tohealfromtheshooting.Tohealfromthepast,andthememoriesand
nightmaresbroughtbackbyseeingyou."

Theshooting,fuck.Hot,fieryrageboilsmybloodandthrumsthroughmyveinswheneverIthinkofthat
crazedmotherfuckershootingupthatclassroomandmybeautifulgirl.

"Emberisn'tthesamegirlyouleftfouryearsago.She'sagrownwomannow,who’ssufferedalotbuthas
comeoutontheotherside.”

"Shesaidtheexactsamethingtome,Damon."Iinterject.

"Well,she'sright.She'sstronger,braver,tougher.Butshe'salsoharderanddeeper.She'sgrownmore
matureandmorecautious.Youdidanumberonher.Evenforyourageswhatyouhadwasalwaysreal.
Thenyouryearsapartandthenthisshooting.She’ssurvivedalot,man.Alot."

Thewayhestressesthatshe’sbeenthroughsomuchhasmegettingreadytoquestionifsomethingmore
happenedinourfouryearsapart.ButDamon’snextwordshavemetensingupandfreezinginplace.

“You’vebeenthroughalottoo,bro.AndIdon’tjustmeanyourdownwardspiralinhighschooloralmost
killingyourselfintheyearsfollowing.ImeanyoulosingEmberlikeshelostyou.Imeanyoupicking
yourselfupafteralmostlettingthedarknesscompletelyconsumeyouandmakingsomethingofyourself.”

BeforehecansaymoreIshakemyheadtocuthimoff.“Thedarknessdidcompletelyconsumeme,man.It
did.Itjustwouldn’ttakeme,andnowIknowwhy.BecauseI’mmeanttofixthisshitwithEmberandget
mygirlback.Forgood.Shewasmyonlythoughtasthedrugsandalcoholswirledthroughmyveinsand
tookmeunder.MyonlythoughtwhenIwokeupinthathospitalbed.Andshe’sbeenmyonlythought
everydaysinceIlefther.”

She’sbeenallI’veeverthoughtabout.

“Butdon’tforoneminutethinkIdidn’tletthedarknessconsumeme,becauseIdid.It’sjustthankstoyou
thatIwasabletopullmyselffromunderitsclutchesandcomeoutontop.ThankstoyouIwasableto
surviveandmakeitbackhere.”

"DoyouknowwhyIbecameacop?"

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Hesurprisesmebyasking.OddresponsetoeverythingIjustlaidathisfeet,butwhatever."Figuredyour
unclehadsomethingtodowithit."Sincehisuncleisacopitmakessense.

"You'rethereason.Watchingyouslipandfall.Watchingyouletthedespairandangerconsumeyou.
Witnessingyoucrumblebeforemyeyesandnotbeingabletohelp."Thedarknessfromourpastclouds
overhiseyesandshockstheshitoutofme.Ineverknew.

"That'swhy.Ineededtobeabletohelpthoselikeyou.Ineededtobeabletohelpfixthosewhowere
breakingoratleasttrytoleadthemintherightdirection.I'veseensomefucked-upshitinmylineof
work,man.Butnothingwaseverashardaswatchingthedarknesstakeyouunder."

Iknewmyissuesaffectedhim,butIneverknewthismuch.TosayI’mshockedisanunderstatement.ButI
reallyshouldn’tbe.Damonislikeabrothertome.Heisabrothertome.

“SoasmuchasyousayIsavedyouandshapedyourlife,youshapedminejustthesame,Kayson.Justthe
same.”Heshakeshisheadasiftoclearallthethoughtsfromhishead.“Enoughofthatheavyshit,bro.
Backtothereasonwhywe’rehere.”HelaughsandIfollowsuit.

Shitdidgetheavy.

"Right.WhatshouldIdothen?AboutEmber,Imean."

"What'ssomethingthat'sgood?Somethingtoremindheroftheloveandnotalltheotherbullshit?"

ThefirstthingthatcomestomindisoneofEmber’sfavoriteplacesandoneofourlastgreatmoments
together.Thebeachandourdate.Thedatewherewevowedtomakeitwork,butIfailed.

Iaskforthecheckasangerandsadnessweighmedown.“Ihaveanidea.Thebeach.Shealwayslovedit
anditholdsalotofgreatmemoriesforus.”

“WellthenI’dsaythatwouldbesomewheretostart.”

AswearewaitingforthecheckIseealookpassoverDamon’sfacebeforeheasks,"Haveyoutwo
talkedatall?ImeanIknowyousaidyou’vetried,buthaveyouatall?Aboutyourtimeapart?Aboutwhat
youbothwentthrough?"

"OnlyaconversationthatturnedintoanargumentaboutwhyIleftandwhyIchangedmyways.Butwe
didn'tgetintoanythingelse.Why?"

"Ohnothing."Heseemsuneasy.Heclearshisthroat."Justthinkingthatmayhelpyoutwomakesome
decisionsaswell."

Thewayheaskedandhisreplyhaveanoddfeelingsettlinginme.ButIdecidetobrushitoff.Hedecides
toletitgo,too.

"Okay,let'sgoshootsomehoopsorsomeshit.Allthistalkismakingmefeellikeadamnpussy,"hesays
asheslapsmeontheback.

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Laughing,Ipullhimintoaone-armedbrohugandshovehimoutthedoor.

"Yeah,man.Let’sshootsomehoops."

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CHAPTERTHIRTY

-MAY-

KAYSON

AsI'mjumpingdownfromtheambulanceonmylunchbreak,IcatchsightofEmberaimlesslywalking
downthesidewalk.

ThestreetsareprettyquietsoIcontemplateshoutingovertohertocatchherattention,butIthinkbetterof
itsincesheseemslostinthoughtandwithhowthingshavebeengoingwithuslately.Especiallyafter
whathappenedlastSaturdaynightandthenDamon'ssubsequentlectureonSundaymorning.

Ifigurealighter,lessdemandingapproachishowIshouldhandlethings,andholleringatherlikea
Neanderthalacrossthelotprobablyisn'tthewaytogo.

IcheckbothwaysbeforeIstartcrossingthestreet;ImakeitafewstepsinherdirectionbeforeIstop
suddenly,asIhearacarbackfire.ButIstartchargingforward,straightforEmber,whenIseeherfreeze
andthebagshewascarryingfallstotheconcrete.Icanseeherbodytremblingfromtheseveralfeetthat
separatesus.

Ittakesmeasecond,butthenIrealizeshethinksthecarwasagunshot

AsIstopjustafootshortofwhereshestands,headdownandarmshuggingherbodytightly,Ialsosee
tearsdrippingfromherface,stainingthesidewalkbelow.

Hersobsaresilentbutnolessgut-wrenchingasshestandsthereshaking.Fearconsumingher.Shemust
beinshockbecauseshedoesn'tevenflinchwhenIsayhernameorbenddowntoretrieveherbag.

IlookaroundtomakesurenooneelseisseeingherlikethisbeforeItryagain.

"Ember."Myvoiceisgruffandalmostfrantic.

Herheadsnapsup.Darkbrown,vacanteyesstareupatme.She'slostinherhead.

"Ember.It'sme.Kayson.Focusonme.That'sright,baby,focusonme."

IcontinuetotalkasIwalkrightuptoher,shoulderingherbagthengraspingherfaceinmyhands.Atmy
soothingtoneandwarmtouch,lifecomesbacktohereyes,butthefeardoesn'tsubside.

Shestartslookingaround,andatfirstIthinkit'sbecauseshe'sembarrassed.ButIquicklyrealize
otherwisewhenshebecomesfrantic.

"OhmyGod.Weneedtogetdown.Takecover.Hefoundme.Howdidhefindme?Ithoughthewasdead.
Damonsaidhewasdead."

Hersilentsobsarenomore.She'snowfulloutcryingloudlyandyellingforustogettosafety.Tocallthe
police.

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Mychestburnsandmyheartaches.

"Ember,no.We'refine.Thatwasacar.Shh.Thatwasn'twhatyouthought,baby.Itwasacar."Iplead
withhertohearme,butshekeepscryingandshaking.

Notcaringthatwe'reinthemiddleofthesidewalk,thatshe'smid-panicattack,andthatthelasttimewe
saweachothershewaskickingmeoutofherapartmentwithhertastestillonmytongue.Idropmyhands
fromherbeautifulfaceandwrapherupinmyarms,crushinghertomychest.

Herkneesbucklejustasmylargebodyengulfshermuchsmallerone,butItakeherweight.Iholdherand
comforther.Ilethercryuntilshe'scalmeddownenough,thenIslowlywalkusbothtothestreetbenchat
thecorner.

AsIsitIpullherdowninmylapanddropherbagtotheside,myarmsstillbandedaroundher.Irockher
slightlyuntilshestopstremblingbuthertearsstillfall.

Whenthesnifflingandtearsdiedown,Ibringmyfistunderherchintolifthereyestomine.Seeingthe
fearandsadnessalloverherfaceshredsme.Itcompletelytearsmeapartandignitesmyfuryattheweak
motherfuckerwhoharmedher.ItakeadeepbreathtocalmmyselfdownbeforeIliftmyhandandusemy
fingerstowipetheremainingtearsfromherface.

"Areyouokaynow?"Iaskhergently.

Shesnifflesafewtimesbeforesheanswers."I-Ithinks-so."

Iscanherfaceandtakeinherbeautywhileshecollectsherselfalittlemore.Iseethequestionsburningin
hereyes.

"Whathappened?"sheasksquietly.

IclosemyeyesbrieflybeforeIanswerher."Acarbackfiredandthenyouhadapanicattack,I'dsay."

Shamewashesoverherfaceatmysimplifiedversionofwhatwentdownandshetriestoduckherheadto
hideitfromme.

"Hey,now.Don'thidefromme.It'sokay.You'reokay.Iknowwhatyouthoughtyouheard.AndIknow
thattriggeredyourpanic.”Shestartstoshakeherhead,butIfinishbeforeshecanshutmedown.“Was
thatwasyourfirstpanicattackorhaveyouhadonebefore?"

Shelooksintomyeyes,thenrealizesshe'sonmylapsoshewigglesherselffreethenslidesintothespot
nexttomebeforeanswering.

Ifeelthelossofherimmediately.

"I'vehadaminoroneortwosincetheincident.ButthatisthebiggestoneI'vehad."Theshamehas
returned,andsohasmyanger.

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"Areyouseeinganybodyaboutthem?Gettinganyhelp?"Iknowmyvoiceisharsh.ButIcan'thelpit.Just
thinkingofhersufferinghasmybloodboiling.

"No."Sheshakesherheadandrepliesbarelyaboveawhisper.

"Ithinkitmaybeagoodideatostartgoing.Oratleastlookintoit.Especiallyaftertoday,"Ireplyjustas
quietly.

Shelooksupatmeandit'sthenthatIrealizeI'mabsentmindedlyplayingwithafewstrandsofherhair.
ShelooksawayasIbringmyhanddownandsheignoresit.Justlikemyadvice.

"Thankyou,"shesaysinstead."Thankyouforbeinghereeventhoughyoudidn'thavetobe."

Shepeersupatmethroughlongblacklashes,andnowmychestburnsforawholeotherreason.Awarmth
thatonlyherpresencecanbringconsumesme.

"Evenifitwasn'tyou,Ember,Istillwouldhavestoppedtohelp.I'mnotthatmuchofanasshole."

Shetriestolookaway,butIclaspherchinbetweenmythumbandforefinger."ButIstoppedespecially
becauseitwasyou."

Hershouldersdropslightlyandsheseemstorelaxatthat,soIreleaseherchin.Wesitinsilenceforafew
minutesbeforeIbreakit.

"Iknowthisreallyisn'tthebesttimetoaskyouconsideringthecircumstances.ButI'mafraidifIwait
anotherdayI'lldosomethingelsetofuckupandthenblowmychanceswithyou.Soheregoes..."

ItakeadeepbreaththenreleaseitasIcatchasmallsmilesplitherfulllips.Herlashesstillwetfromher
tears.

"Irealizethatmyreturnwasashockandwasprobablyunwanted."Hersmilefaltersatthat."ButIwantto
provetoyouthatI'vechanged.ThatI'mbetter,I'mcalmer,I'mmoremature."

Shelooksnervous,almostasnervousasIam,butIpushonanyway.

"Letmeshowyouthat.LetmeshowyouhowmuchI'vechangedbuthowmyfeelingshaven't."

Thatsmallsmileofhersisback.Butitseemsbrighternow—causingmychesttotightenlikeitalways
doeswhensheshinesthatshysmileonme.

"Goonadatewithme.Onedate.Andifyouhateit,andme,I'llstepback.It'llkillme,butIwill.Just
givemethisonechance,baby."

Sheturnstomefullyanddreadstartstoseepintomyveins.I'manidiotforeventhinkingatimelikethis
wouldbeappropriatetoaskheroutonadate.

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I'mabouttotakeitback.Tellhernevermind.ButbeforeIcanspeakshebeatsmetoit.

Andshocksthehelloutofme.

"Okay."

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE

EMBER

Kaysonshiftsintoreverseandthenbacksuptothebeach.

Heturnsoffthetruckasmyheartstartstoflutterwhenmemoriesofourpastfilterthroughmymind.

Thestartofthisdateseemingveryreminiscentofourlastdatesomanyyearsago.

Assoonashepickedmeupandstartedinthedirectionofthebeach,Iknewhisintentions,andIcan'tsay
I'msurprised.Ordisappointed.Thatnightwasoneofthebestofmylife.

"WaithereuntilIcomearoundandgetyou.Andpleasedon'tturnaround.Okay?"IlookovertoKaysonas
hespeaks.Heseemsnervous,andifI'mnotmistakenalightblushisstaininghischeeks.

IofferasmallsmileandhiseyesdarkenasInodmyconsent."Ipromise.I'llstayfacingthisway.No
peeking,"Isoftlyreply.

WhenKaysonjumpsfromthecabofthetruckIsithereandtrymyhardestnottoletmycuriositygetthe
betterofmeandturnaround.Istarttothinkabouthowsomuchhaschangedinthelastcoupleofmonths.
Fromtheincident,toKayson'sreturn,andthentonow.Onthisdate.TheoneIsworeI'dnevergoonwith
him.

Buttheotherdayhecaughtmeataweakmoment.Literally.Butreallyitwassomuchmorethanthat.

IwasjustleavingTheCoffeePressgrabbinganafternoonpick-me-upafterleavingMomma'shouse.Ihad
neededheradvice.Itoldheraboutgirls’snight,leavingoutwhathappenedatmyapartmentafterward,of
course,butIknewshecouldtellsomethinghappened.Meblushingfuriouslyprobablydidn'thelp
anything.

WetalkedforaboutanhourbeforeIleftherwithmorequestionsthananswers.ShealwayslikedKayson.
Evenwitheverythingthatheputourrelationshipthrough.Soallshetoldmewastofollowmyheartandit
wouldneverletmedown.Igaveheralookasiftosayyeah,right,sincewhenitcametoKayson,
followingmyheartseemedtobemoreadisasterthananything.

WhenIstarteddownthestreettoheadbacktomyapartment,thesoundofgunfireexplodedthroughthe
air.Terrorseizedmeinplaceasonethoughtrolledthroughmymind.

OhdearGod,notagain.

Asthebiggestpanicattacksincetheshootingconsumedme,Kaysonsuddenlywasthere.HeheldmeasI
cried.Hetalkedmedownasheheldmeclose.Hesoothedmeandsavedmefrommyself.

Thewayhehandledmeandcaredformemeltedmyheartandhadmeseeinghiminawholenewlight.

Gonewasthehatredandanger,thebitternessandregretthatIfelttowardhim.BecauseinhimIsawthe
KaysonIfellinlovewith.NottheKaysonwhoshatteredmyheart.

Sowhenheaskedmeonthisdate,Icouldn'thelpbutsayyes.Notonlybecausehewastheretohelpme.
Butbecauseeversincehe'scomebacktoPleasantBeachhe'smadeithismissiontoprovetomethathe's

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achangedman.

Ijusthopesayingyeswasn'tagiantmistake.

I'mpulledfrommythoughtswhenmypassengersidedoorisopened.

Heholdsouthishandbeforeaddressingme."Ineedyoutocloseyoureyes,givemeyourhand,thenlet
meguideyou."

Itakeinadeepbreaththendoashesays.Iclosemyeyesashepullsmefromthetruck,andthenhewalks
mearoundtotheback.

Justlikelasttime.

WhenwereachtheendIopenmyeyesandgaspinaweandsurprise.

Just.Like.Last.Time.

Everything.

Themusic,thesetup,thelanterns,thepicnicbasket.Heremembered.Everydetail.Myeyesfillwith
unshedtearsandmyheartfillswithwarmth.Hedidallofthisforme.

"Iknowitmaybealittlecliché.ButIthoughtthatmaybebringingyoubackhereandremindingyouofa
goodmemorymaybeagoodstartinshowingyouthatI’machangedman.”

There’sthatlightblushagain,tintinghischeeks.

Itpullsasmilefrommyface.Arealone.Teethandall.

Hislipspartandhiseyestakemein.

“I’vemissedthatlookonyou.”

MybrowsfurrowasIquestionwhathemeans.

“Thatsmileshiningbrightonyourface.Lightingupyoureyes.I’vemissedit.AndknowingIwastheone
toputittheremakesmesogoddamnhappy,Em.Sogoddamnhappy.”

Nowit’smyturntoblush.

AsIfeeltheheatspreadovermyface,Kaysonleansinandkissesmycheek.

Igasp.

“Justhadtofeelthatwarmthagainstmylips,baby.”

Butterfliesstarttostirinmybelly.

Hesmirks,revealinghisdimple,andthosebutterfliestakeflight.

AsItakeanotherdeepbreath,whatseemstobethemillionthonetonight,Kaysongrabsmyhipsand
hoistsmeintothebedofhistruck.

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HejumpsinaftermeasItuckmymaxidressunderme,beforesittingbackagainstthepillows.WhenI’m
settledhekneelsdownandbeginsremovingtheitemsoutofthepicnicbasket.

Ishouldn’tbesurprised,butathrillrunsthroughmenonethelesswhenIseethesamedinnerfromthatdate
unloadedandlaidoutinfrontofme.

AnothersheepishgrintakesoverKayson’sface.“I’massumingthechickenpestopaninifromSophie’sis
stillyourfavorite?AtleastIhopeitis.”

I’mtooovercometoreplywithwords,soIgivehimanodofmyheaduntilIcomposemyself.“Theyare,
thankyou.”

Satisfactioncrosseshisfaceashesettlesnexttomeandwedigintoadeliciousdinner.

Weeatinsilencethatisbrokenuponlyoccasionallybythecrashingofthewavesontheshore.Twilight
ismovingin,lightingtheskyinorangeanddarkbluehues.Makingitlookliketheskyisonfire.

Oncewefinishourmeal,Kaysonpicksupallthetrashandmovesthepicnicbasketover.Hestandsand
jumpsfromthebedofthetruck.

Confusionmustbewrittenallovermyfacebecauseheexplainsasheliftshishandtome.“It’sanice
night.Comesitonthebeachwithme?”

Iswallowasnervestakeover.Sittingonthebeachmeansit’stimetotalk.Iknowit’slongoverdue,butit
doesn’tmakeitanyeasier.

WithanodIconsent.“Okay.”

Istand,carefulofmydress,thenwalkslowlytothetailgate.IplacemyhandintoKayson’sasheliftshis
otherhandtomyhip,helpingmedown.

IslipmysandalsoffthenpullmycardigantighteraroundmeasthelateMaybreezeblowsoverthewater.

KaysonandIwalksidebysidedownthewoodenfootpaththendescendthefewstairstothesandbelow
that’sstillwarmfromtheafternoonsun.

WeonlymakeitasmalldistancebeforeKaysonstopsandturnstowardthewaterthensitsdown.Ifollow
suitandsitnexttohim.

Hestartlesmewhenhetakesmyhand.Hegraspsitlightlyandpullsourjoinedhandsintohislapwhere
hisotherhandjoinsthem.

“Youseemabitcold,thoughtIcouldhelpwarmyouup.”Hesmirksthatsmirkofhis.

I’dsaymissionaccomplished.I’malmoststiflingnow.

Silencesurroundsusagain.Thecawingofagullaboveusbreakingitup,butthetalkIexpectedfrom
Kaysonisnowhereinsight.

“Icamebackforyou.”Kayson’svoicecrashesovermelikethewavesontheshore.

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MyheartstillsinmychestasItakeinwhathejustsaid.Wonderingifhemeansnowor…

“Before,Imean.Icamebackforyouoncebefore.”

Whenhiswordssinkin,myhearttakesoffinagallop,thrummingthroughmyveinsatarapidspeed.
“Wh-what?”

Heshakeshisheadsolemnlybeforeadding,“EvenDamondoesn’tknowIcameback.”

“Whatdoyoumeanyoucamebackform-me?”Myvoicebreakingattheend.

Heblowsoutadeepbreaththentipshisheadbackbeforebringinghiseyesbacktothewater.Never
makingeyecontactwithme.“Alittleoverayearago,notlongafterIgotmyfirstEMTjobinPembrooke.
Icouldn’ttakeitanymore,beingawayfromyou,livinglifewithoutyou,soIcamebackforyou.”

Myheartpullssotightmychestactuallyaches.Hecamebackforme?

“Whydidn’tyouevercomebackthen?Tome?Whyhaven’tIseenyouinoverfouryears?”Myvoice
hitchesasIfightbacktears.

“IwasdrivingdownMainStreet,debatingonwhatIwoulddo.Iknewyouwerestudentteachingat
PleasantBeachElementarywhileyouwerefinishingupyourdegreeandyouwerelivinginyourown
placebecauseofpreviousdiscussionswithDamon.Heneverwouldtellmeifyouhadmovedonornot,
hewouldonlyevertellmethebasics.”Heshrugshisshouldersasascowlcrosseshisfaceatthe
memory.

“ButsinceIdidn’ttellhimIwascomingthattime,IhadnocluewheretofindyouorwhatI’dfind.I
figuredIcouldstartatyourapartment,thenifIhadnoluckIknewI’dbeabletofindyoueventuallywith
PleasantBeachbeingsosmall.”

Heswallowsharshlythenturnshisheadtolookatme.

“AsIwasdrivingdowntheroad,gettingreadytopark,Isawyou.Forthefirsttimeinalmostthreeyears,
thereyouwere.Walkingdownthesidewalkbyyourself,cellphonetoyourear,headthrownbackin
laughteratwhateverthepersonontheotherendsaid.WhenIpulledovertoparkalongthecurb,I
couldn’ttakemyeyesoffofyou.Youweresofuckingbeautiful,youlookedsocarefree,thatIcouldn’t
helpbutsmile.Butoldinsecuritiesstartedcreepingin,alongwithwonderingwhocouldbemakingyou
laughsohardandmakeyoulooksodamnhappy.”

Kaysoncloseshiseyes,asadsmileplayingalonghislips,beforeopeningthemonadeepsigh.

“Iwouldn’thavebeenabletosurviveknowingthatyouhadmovedon,thatsomeassholewonyourheart
andwasmakingyouthathappy.Makingyoulaughsofiercely.SoIleftjustasquicklyasIcameintotown,
withoutlookingback.IknewifIdidIwouldhavedemandedyouleavewhoeverwasbringingthatlight
backintoyourlife.Iknowthatmakesmeacoward,admittingthat,butit’sthetruth.”

“Itdoesn’tmakeyouacoward,Kayson.Itmakesyouhuman.Ifthingswerereversed,IknowIwouldn’t
havebeenabletocopeknowingyouhadmovedonwhileIhadn’t.”

Iturnmyhead,lookingbackouttothedarkeningskyoverthecrashingwaves.FromthecornerofmyeyeI
seeKaysonwatchingme.Eyessteadyandfilledwithwarmthand...love."What?"Iaskquietly,blushing

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underhisscrutiny.

Theclear,starrynightskyissuddenlychargedwithanintenseenergy,causingashivertorundownmy
spine.Kaysonreleasesmyhandthenlayshishandonmycheek,runninghisfingersdowntoclaspmy
chin.Hesoftlyturnsmyfacetowardhis.

"Justtakinginyourbeauty,"herepliessoftlywithasmalltiltofhislips."Wonderinghowyoucanlook
thesameyetsodifferentallatonce.Ifindcomfortinthefamiliarityandwarmthofyoureyes.They've
alwaysheldamysteryIlongtosolve."

WhenhesaysthingslikethisIalmostforgetthepainofhimleavingmesoabruptlyallthoseyearsago.I
almostforgetthetimethatseparatesus.IalmostforgetthefeelingofworthlessnessIsufferedbecauseof
him.

Almost.

"IwishyoucouldseewhatIseeinyou,"hesaysashebrushesmyhairbackfrommyforehead.Causing
goosebumpstoraiseonmyskinfromhistenderness.AfamiliartendernessIneverthoughtI'dfeelfrom
himagain."Ifyoudid,you'drealizewhatI’mfightingsohardtowinback,tokeep.Iwillfightforyou,
baby,justlikeIshouldhavedonefromdayone,"hewhispers.

Emotionclogginghisvoice,washingoverhisface,andmeltingmyheart.

Idon'tknowwhenithappened.Fallinginlovewithhimagain.OrmaybeIneverfelloutofit.ButifI
didn'tknowIlovedhimbefore,Idamnwellknowitnow.

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWO

KAYSON

IaskedEmbertomeetmeatLovingGraceChurchasIdroppedheroffafterourdateonSaturdaynight.

ThedatewentbetterthanIhadhoped.SheseemedshockedtoseethatIhadrememberedsomuchfrom
ourlastbeachdate,butsheseemedpleasantlysurprisedaswell.

Idon’tknowwhyshewassoshocked.Despiteallthebad,despiteallthebullshit,therewasplentyof
goodbetweenus.AndIrememberedallofit.

Afterweateandmadeourwaydowntothebeach,wesatforhourshuddledtogetherunderthemoonlight.
Ididn’tpressmyluck,butIneverstoppedtouchingher.Holdingherhand.Myhandonherthigh.Orbythe
endofthenight,myarmwrappedaroundhershoulderstohelpkeepherwarm.

Inevertriedtokissher.Ineverbecameinappropriate.ButIjustcouldn’tnottouchherwithhersoclose
tome.Shelookedtoogorgeousinherlongdress,sweater,andsandals.Herdarkhairdownandflowing
downherback.Barelyanymakeup.Shelookedfresh-facedandcontent.AndIdidthattoher.Sokeeping
myhandstomyselfwasimpossible.

AsthestarsshinedbrightinthedeepmidnightskyIsuggesteditmightbetimetogowhenachillran
throughher.SoIdroveEmberthetenminutesbacktoherapartment,andthewholerideIcontemplated
twothings—kissingherandaskinghertomeetmeatmyaddictionmeeting.

Sheneverindicatedthatakisswouldbetherightmove,soIheldoff.Butinthesilence,assheunlocked
herfrontdoor,Icouldn’thelpbutblurtoutmyrequest.Sheturnedinherdoorwayandlookedupatmein
confusion.Irepeatedmyquestionandwaitedwithbatedbreathuntilsheagreed.Ididn’texplainany
furtherthanthat.Iaskedhertobeherefor6:45p.m.onTuesday.

Nowit’sTuesday,andI’manervousfuckingwreck.Iknowtonightisimportant.Ialsoknowtonightcould
makeorbreakmeinEmber’seyes.

Ireallyneedittomakemebecausethisdistanceshekeepsbetweenusisfuckingkillingme.Myhopeis
thatwhatshelearnstonightwillopenhereyestotheyearswespentapartandwillhelpchangehermind
aboutme.

Ineeditto.

Justasthatthoughtfiltersthroughmymind,IcatchtheheadlightsofEmber’scarflashoffasshepullsinto
theparkinglotthenparksacouplespotsdownfrommytruck.Itakeadeepbreathasshestepsoutthen
releaseitasshelocksuphercarandmakesherwayovertomeatthefrontofthechurch.Shelooks
breathtaking,asalways.Hershapelylegsareencasedinblackleggingsandalow-cut,sleeveless,
flowingtoprevealstheperfectamountofcleavage.

Igroanquietly,momentarilyforgettingmynervesasmycockstirstolifeinmyloose-fittingjeans.Ishift
asdiscreetlyasIcanbeforeshestopsnexttome.Willingmydicktosettledown.Nowisnotthetimefor
ahard-on.

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“Hey,”shesaysquietly.UnawareoftheinternalbattleI’mhaving.

Iclearmythroatbeforereplying.“Hey,thanksforcoming.”

“I’mstillnotsurewhat’sgoingonandwhyyou’daskmetomeetyouatachurch.Butnoproblem.”She
looksaroundthelotbeforelookingbacktomeandcontinuing.“Ionlyseeafewcarshere,arethere
peopleinside?”

IplacemyhandtothesmallofherbackandleadEmberintotheopen,doubledoorsofthechurch.“Yeah,
you’llseesoonenough.”

Confusionflickersacrossherface,justlikeitdidonSaturdaynight.Butshejustshrugsandcontinuesto
letmeguideher.

AsIturnusalongthesidehallofthechurch,bypassingtheentrancewheretheyholdservices,Iseethe
opendoorintothemeetingroom.

EmberandImakeitthroughthedoorwayaslightchatterfillstheroom.I’veonlybeentoacoupleof
meetingssincereturningtoPleasantBeach,butIrecognizethesamehandfulofpeoplefromtheprevious
meetings.Alongwithafewnewones.Theymustbetheirguests.Iguideustoasetofseatsinthecircle
andwaitforEmbertotakeherseatbeforeIdo.

“What’sgoingon,Kayson?”

IlookovertoEmberandseethequestionsinhereyes.“ThisiswhereIcomeformyaddictionmeetings.”
Shockreplacesherconfusionbeforeitturnstounderstanding.

“Ineverknewthechurchheldthem,”sheuttersquietly.

“Yeah,well,whenIrushedbacktoPleasantBeach,afterseeingyouinthehospital,Imadesuretofinda
placethatheldmeetingstostayontrack.I’veonlybeentoafewsinceIcamebackacoupleofmonths
ago,butwhenIwasherelastweek,itwasmentionedthatthenextmeetingwouldbeanopenone.”

Ianswerhernextquestionbeforeshecanevenask.“Anopenmeetingiswheneachrecoveringaddictcan
bringsomeonewiththemandthemembersarefreetotalk,sharetheirpasts,andrecoverystories.”

Shenodsherheadslowlyandlooksaroundastherestofthegrouptakestheirseats.

Themeetingisthenstartedbywayofthewelcomeandprayer.Oncetheserenityprayerisfinished,
openingcommentsandannouncementsaremade.

MyanxietyandnervesstarttoclimbasthemeetingcontinuesontothepartI’mbothdreadingandlooking
forwardto.

"Isthereanyonehereforthefirsttimeorwhoisrecentlynewtothemeetings?"Tim,thegroupleader,
asksashescansthesmallgroupofrecoveringaddictsandtheirguests.

Whenhementionedatourlastmeetingthatthisonewouldbeanopenmeeting,wherewecouldbringa
guest,theonlypersonIcouldthinkofwasEmber.IneedhertoknowhowseriousIam.Andifthisisthe
onlywayformetodoit,baremysoultoherandagroupofstrangerswhosufferfromsimilarpastsas

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mine,thenthat'swhatI'lldo.

Iraisemyhandjustenoughtobeacknowledged.Timlooksover,andwithaslightnodofhisheadhe
givesmethefloor.FromthecornerofmyeyeIseeEmbersnaphergazetomeandsurprisetakeoverher
face.

"Hi,myname'sKayson."

"Hi,Kayson."TheyallreplybeforeIcontinue.

"I'vebeencleanfortwoyearsnow.JustcelebratedthispastFebruary."Iremovethebronzemedallion
frommypocket.Tossingitaroundinmyhand.Ikeepmyeyeslockedtothecenterofthecircleofchairs.
ButIcanfeelEmber'seyesburningintothesideofmyhead.

Iignoretheburnandkeepgoing.

“AlmostfiveyearsagoImadeoneofthehardestdecisionsIcouldevermake.Anditwasfueledbydrugs
andalcohol.”IswallowthicklybeforeIcontinue.

“IlostmywayandletmydemonsfeedoffofthepoisonIpumpedthroughmybody.IleftPleasantBeach
andtheonlyhomeI’veeverknowntoslipdeeperanddeeperintothedarknessthatconsumedmylife.
Afteryearsofdrugandalcoholabuse,neverbeingabletoholddownasteadyjob,movingfromonerun-
downapartmenttothenext,Ifoundmyselfwakingupinahospitalroomtwoyearsago.Ihadnomemory
orrecollectionofhowIgotthere,butthenurseoncallfilledmein.Mylandlordfoundmeunresponsive,
inapoolofmyownvomitonthetornlinoleumofmykitchenfloor.”

Ihearasoftgasptomyleftandthenasmallhandhitsmythigh.Itenseup,thenreleaseabreathIdidn’t
realizeIwasholding,beforeIcontinue.

“TosayIhitrockbottomwouldbeanunderstatement.ThereIwas,twentyyearsold,broke,alonewithno
friendsorfamily,andnowoutofaplacetolive.You’dthinkmyfirstthoughtwouldhavebeenaboutme,
andallthebullshitIwasabouttoface.Butitwasn’t.BecausethehardestdecisionIevermadeflashed
throughmymind,andrightthenandthereIvowedtocleanmyselfupandmakesomethingofmyself.SoI
madeaphonecalltotheonlypersonIknewcouldandwouldhelpme,andfromthatdayonInever
touchedasingledropofalcohol,neversnortedanotherline,orpoppedanotherpill.Withthehelpofmy
bestfriendIgotmyselfintoarehabilitationfacilityandneverlookedback.”

ItakemyeyesoffthecenterofthecircleandswingmygazetoEmber.She’slookingatme,tearssilently
streamingdownherface.

"Ofcourseitisn'talwayseasy,andIhavemydays.Itisn'tsomuchthatIcravethatlifestyleorthedrugs.
It'sjustthere,likeareminder.AreminderofthestruggleI'llalwayshavewithaddiction."

ItakeanotherdeepbreaththenplacemyhandoverEmber’sthatisstillonmythigh.

"Butwhenthosethoughtsgettooheavy,Ipulloutthisreminder.”Mybronzemedallionstillclutchedinmy
righthand.“ThereminderthatImadeit.ThatIconqueredmydemons.AndthatIhavetoomuchtolivefor
togiveupnow."

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREE

EMBER

TosayI’mshockedthatKaysontookmetooneofhisaddictionmeetingswouldbeanunderstatement.I
couldn’timaginewhyhewashavingmemeethimatthechurchintown,butassoonashetoldme,and
thenIheardhimspeak,thelastpieceofmyheartIwasholdingontowasgiventohim.

Hearingtheemotioninhisvoice.Seeingtheloveinhiseyesashelookedoveratmeandprofessedthat
hehadtoomuchtolivefor.AllofitprovedwhatIrealizedtheothernightafterourdate;Iamirrevocably
andcompletelyinlovewithKaysonWilliams.

ButaftertonightI’mterrifiedthatnoneofitwillmatterbecauseI'mabouttoshatteritall.Allthegrowth
andhealingwe'veachievedinthelastfewdayswon’tmatterafterIfinallytellhimwhatI’vebeen
keepingfromhim.

"Ineedtotellyousomething."

IsaiditsoquietlyI'msurprisedheheardme,butIknowhedidwhenhereplies."Okay...youcantellme
anything.Youknowthat."He'shesitantandit'skillingme.Iknowwhatherevealedtonightwasmeantto
cleartheairforus,butwithhowI’mactingheprobablythinksIneverwanttoseehimagain.Icouldsee
theuneasefilterthroughhiseyesashewalkedmetomycarandIaskedhimtomeetmebackhereatmy
apartment.

Ishiftonthecouch.Hewalksfurtherintotheroomandsitsdownnexttome,layingagentlehandonmy
thigh.I'msurehecanfeelmetremblingbeneathhistouch.

"What'swrong?"Hesoundsnervous.LikeheknowswhatI'mabouttosaywillchangeourlivesforever.

Hecouldn’tbemoreright.

Ican'tstopshaking.I'msoscared.Scaredthathe'lleitherbehappyIdidn'tbringoursonintotheworld,
orthathe'llbesomadatmefornottellinghimsoonerthathe'llneverforgiveme.Idon'tknowwhich
one’sworse.TheideaofeitherscenariochurnsmystomachsofiercelyIhavetoswallowdownthebile.

Deepbreaths,Ember,youcandothis.

"There'snoeasywaytosaythis,soI'mjustgoingtosayit."Deepbreath."Thatdayyouleftmefouryears
ago,Iwascomingtotellyousomething.Iknowwewerefightingandthatpartyruinedussinceyouleft
methreedayslater..."Idon'tgettofinishbecausehecutsmeoff.

"Whatdoyoumeanyouweregoingtotellmesomething?Whatwasit?"He'sgettingagitated.Icantellby
thetickinhisjaw.He'sagitatedandIhaven'teventoldhimwhatIneedto,whatI'vebeenhidingfrom
him.ButIalsoseethereliefrelaxhisfeaturesatouchwhenherealizesithasnothingtodowithtonight.

"IwascomingtotellyouIwaspregnant.Wewerepregnant.Wewerehavingababy,"Iblurtout,then
throwmyhandovermymouthtostiflemysob.

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"P-pregnant?"hestammers."Whatdoyoumean,pregnant?Idon'tseeachildanywherenow,Ember.Are
youtellingmeyougaveupourchildforadoption?Ourfleshandblood?Or...didyouterminate?"He
swallowshardashisfacegetsredderandredder.Icanseetheturmoilswirlinginhissteelygraydepths.

IcanguaranteeheneverthoughtthisiswhatIhadtotalktohimaboutwhenIaskedhimtocomein
tonight.Icouldn’tkeepittomyselfanylonger.Icouldn’tkeeppunishinghimforourpast,forhiswrongs,
whenIcouldn’tevenmakemineright.

"OfcourseIdidn't!Whywouldyouevenaskthat?"

"Wellcanyoublamemewhenthereisn'tachildhere,Ember!WhatthefuckamIsupposedtothink?"

"Ilosthim!Okay?Ilostourpreciouslittleboy."Tearsarestreamingdownmyface.Ican'tcontrolthem.I
don'teventry.

"Icouldn'tkeepyou,andIcouldn'tkeephim.Bothofyou,gone."

I'msobbingnow.Almosthystericallyso.IcanbarelyseeKaysonthroughmytears.

KAYSON

Ican'tbehearinghercorrectly.Nowaydidtheloveofmylifejusttellmethatshelostababy.Ourbaby.
Noway.Irefusetobelieveit.

"Comeagain?IthoughtIjustheardyousayyoulostourbaby."

"Ye-yes.Idon'tknowwhathappened.Hewasgrowing—"

"Wait!Ahim?Weweregoingtohaveaboy?Ason?"Icutheroff.

Didshesaythatbefore?Ason?

"Kayson,I'msosorry!IdidallIcould."

Shethrowsherselfacrossthecouch,clutchingontomefordearlife.Herarmsclenchedaroundmy
shoulders,herfaceburiedinmyneck.She'sholdingonlikeImightjustdisappear.Whileme,I'mjust
fightingtobringinmynextbreath.

"FromdayoneIlovedhimcompletely.Whole-heartedly.Andthen,oneday,hewasjust...gone,"sheends
onawhisper,sobbinguncontrollablyinmyarmsasshetellsmewhathappened.ButIonlycatchbitsand
pieces.

"FoundoutinAugust...thedaybeforeIlefther...Atsixteenweeksfoundout...aboy...naminghimKJfor
KaysonJr...Carriedahealthybabytothirty-twoweeks..."

"Somethingwasn'tright...emergencyroom...gone...Theumbilicalcordwrappedaroundhisneck...didallI
could...I'msorry.So,sosorry..."

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Sorry.Sorry.Sorry.

GriefanddespairunlikeanythingI'veeverfeltswallowsmewhole.Ican'thearheranymore.Nother
sobsofapology.Notherwordsofexplanation.Nothingbuttherushingofbloodinmyears.Nothingbut
mysorrowconsumingme,drowningme.

Butquicklyfollowingmydesperationcomestheanger.Thentherage.AndthenIerupt.

IshoveoffthecouchafterpullingawayfromEmber.Ragepricklingmyskin.

"Youmeantofuckingtellmethatallthistimeyou'vebeenkeepingthisfromme?Condemningmeforour
past,forthehurtsI'vecausedyou,andyou'vebeenkeepingthisfromme?"

ThenoddingofherheadpissesmeoffandIroar,"ANSWERME!"MychestisheavingsohardImay
passout.

"Ihadafuckingson,whofuckingdied,andyoudidn'tfinditimportanttotellmethat?Huh?Notoneofthe
fuckingtimesyouwerelayingintome,blamingandaccusing,itdidn'toccurtoyoutoTELLME!"I'm
shoutingsoloudI'msurprisedthewindowsdon'tshatter.

"I-I-I'ms-s-so-sorry..."Shehiccupsout.Tooupsettosayanythingelse.

"The‘I'msorry’saren'tgoingtobringhimback,Ember.‘I'msorry’saren'tgoingtoexplaintomewhyyou
waitedthislongtofuckingtellme.Ibaredmyfuckingsoultoyouandagroupofstrangerstonightto
provetoyouthatIwasachangedman,andallthistimeyou’vebeenmakingmefeelunworthy,you’ve
beenholdingthisfromme!"

"Iletmyhurtandangerofyouleavingmeconsumeme,Kayson.Iwasselfish,fine!Callmeselfish.Butit
isn'tlikeIdidthisonpurposelikethethingsyoudidtome.Youmayregretthembutyoudidthem.Ididn't
dothis!"She'sstartingtoyell,butshe'sfightingforairjustlikeme.

Herdroppedbombseemstohavesuckeditalloutoftheroom.

"Ilostababy!Mybaby.MybabythatIhadtobeinducedtogivebirthtobecauseIwastoofaralongfora
D&C."Shestartstoyelllouderwhilethesobscontinuetorackherbody.

"Ihadtogivebirthtomydeadbaby.ME!Doyouknowwhatthat'slike?Topushandpushforhours,only
tonotbegreetedbythesoundsofhisfirstcries.Tocryoutinreliefandsorrowwhenit'sallover.Relief
forthephysicalpaintobegone,butsorrowfortheemotionalpainthatwillforeverbethere.Doyou
knowwhatit'sliketohavethemplaceyournewbornsonontoyourbarechestforyourfirsthelloandyour
lastgoodbye?No,youdon't.BecauseYOULEFT!"

Embercrashesbackagainstthebackofthecouch.Legscurleduptoherheavingchest.Tearscascading
downherredface.ButIcan’tfinditinmetocarewhilemyentirefuckingworldiscrashingaroundme.

Ihavetogetthefuckoutofhere.Ineedadrink.Thatthoughtcausesmetofalter.Butfuckit.

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR

KAYSON

Iwalkthroughthedoorsofthelocaldivebarintown,notgivingashitthatI'mabouttoblowmytwo-year
sobrietythatIjustbraggedabouttonight.

Gofigurethatit’stonightofallnights.

ButIdeserveafuckingdrinkafterthebombthatwasjustdroppedonme.Ideserveawholelotfucking
morethanthat,butI'llsettlefortheburnofagoodbottleofJD.

IcannotfuckingbelieveEmberkeptthisfromme.Forfourfuckingyearsshekeptthefactthatwehad,and
lost,asontogether.Shefuckingkeptthatfromme.Shetookawaymyrightasafathertogrieveandmourn.
Yes,Ilefther.Yes,Ikeptusapart.Butthatdayfouryearsagoshehadthechancetotellmeshewas
pregnantandtheneverydaysinceI'vebeenbackshe'shadthechancetotellmeofourloss.

Andshefuckingdidn't.

Insteadshefuckingcondemnedme,punishedme,forourpast.ForadecisionImadewhenwewerekids.
AfuckingmistakeIhaveregrettedeverydamndayofthefourfuckingyearsIhadtolivewithouther.But
thatwasafuckingdecisionbasedonshitsheknewabout.Itmayhavebeenabrupt.Itmayhavebeensoul
crushing.Butshefuckingknewandhadtimetodealwithit.

Butshenevergavemethatoption.Sheneverfuckingtoldmeaboutcarryingmychild.Andthat'stheworst
partofitallbecauseifshehadtoldmethatdaybackinAugustallthoseyearsago,shemayhavebeen
abletochangethecourseofthelastfouryears.

It'sashittythingtothink,butIdon'tgiveafuck.Iknowwewouldn'thavebeenabletosaveourbaby,but
hemayhavebeenabletosaveus.

Ihangmyheadandslammyeyesclosedastearsburnbehindmyeyelids.Tonight’seventsplayinglikea
moviereelthroughmymind.Whatstartedoutbeingoneofthemostnerve-rackingnightsofmylifeturned
intooneoftheworst.ButnotforthereasonsIthought.

IfiguredassoonasEmberaskedmetomeetheratherapartmentthatIwasfucked.Thatitdidn’tmatter
thatIsharedmypastandrecoverywithherinfrontofabunchofstrangers.Butwhatsheunveiled
completelyblindsidedme.

Theclearingofathroatfrominfrontofmehasmeslowlyraisingmyheadtofindamiddle-aged,busty,
bottledblondestaringatme.

"What'llitbe,doll?"Hervoicerough,probablyfromsmokingapackadayforthelasttwentyyears.I
ignorethepopofhergumandherboredexpression.

"Whiskey.Neat.Makeitadouble."

"Yougotit,babe,"shereplies,afterblowingandpoppingyetanotherbubble.

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Assheslidestheglassinfrontofme,Ihearthecreakoftheoldbar'sdooropeningthenclosing.Iknow
it'shimbeforeheevenstartsbarkingatme.

"Kayson,whatthefuckareyoudoing?Putthefuckingglassdownnowandlet'sfuckinggo."Justthe
soundofhisvoicehasmybloodpressureskyrocketingyetagain.Thismotherfuckerhassomenerve
waltzinginhereonhishighhorse,demandinganythingofme.

"Howthefuckdidyouevenfindme?"Iignorehisorderandcondescendingtone.Tryingtocalmmyself
downenoughwithaquestionsoIdon'tjustlaythisfuckeroutwithouthearinghimoutfirst.Heismybest
friendafterall.Mybestfriendwhokeptsomethingfrommebecausenowaydidhenotknow.

"Embercalledme,sofuckinghystericalIcouldbarelyunderstandher.Shetoldmeyougotintoafightand
thatyoublewupthenstormedout.Shewasfrantic.Afraidyou'drunbacktothebottle."Iscoffatthe
fucker,buthecontinuesonlikeIdidn't."Iwashopingshewaswrong.Itoldhernowaywouldyoucome
backtothislifeafterthehellyousufferedtoclimboutofit.ButIthoughtI'dcheckjustincasemybest
friendlosthismotherfuckingmind.GladIdid.GuessyouprovedtobethecowardIsworeyouweren't
anymore."

"Youhavesomefuckingnervecallingmeafuckingcoward,friend,"IsneerathimasIslamthefullglass
ofwhiskeytothebarandpushupfromthestool.Nothearingitcrashtothegrimyfloorbehindme,
ignoringthespilledwhiskeyonthebartop.

“Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?”Hisvoiceisstrong,butthere’sanuneaseinhiseyesbecausehe
knowsexactlywhatthefuckI’mtalkingabout.

"Ibetyoujustlovedplayingherknightinshiningarmordidn'tyou,yousonofabitch?"Ishoveat
Damon'schestwhenhemakestomoveevenclosertome.

Hestumblesbackastepandthrowshisarmsup."Seriously,man,whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?"

"WithEmberandthebaby.Myfuckingbaby!"Iroarwithallmymight."Youfuckingknewandnever
fuckingtoldme.Anddon’teventrytotellmethatyoudidn’t.You'remybestfuckingfriendandyounever
fuckingtoldmethatIlostafuckingson!"White-hottearsofangerandgriefrolldownmyfaceunchecked.
Igivenofucksastowhoseesmelosingmyshit.

Damonmovestotakeasteptowardmeagainandthat'sthewrongfuckingmove.Icockmyrightarmback
andslammyfistagainsthisjaw.Onlydroppinghimbackafewstepssincehematchesmeinheightand
weight.

Hespitsamouthfulofbloodtothefloorandrubshisjaw.“That’syouronlyfreeone.Youhearme?Imay
havefucked-upinnottellingyouorgivingyouaheads-up,butthatwasn’tmyplace.Itwasn’tmyjobto
tellyouwhathappened.Plusyoucheckedout.Youleft.”

Igotopunchhimagainbuthe’sexpectingitandblocksmyblow.Deliveringoneofhisown.

Myheadsnapstotherightandnowit’smyturntospitthecoppertastefrommymouth.

“Itoldyouthatyougotone.Imeantit.”

IglareovertoDamon.Fireignitinginmyveins.Bloodrushingthroughmyears.

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“TonightIfinallytoldEmberallthedetailsofmyrecovery,

a

ndIthoughtforsureIlostherforgood.I

thoughtforsurethatafterhearingaboutitallthatshewasdone,thatnoneofitmattered.”Iswipemy
forearmalongmyface.“ButIwasneverpreparedforwhatIlearnedtonight.”

“Man,eventhoughIthinkshedidtherightthingyouhavetoknowhowsorry—”

“Sorry?FortwomonthssinceIcamebackI’vebeentryingtoprovemyselftoEmber.Makeherseethat
I’machangedman.Andallthistimethejokehasbeenonme,huh?”

“Kayson—”

“No,Damon.Fuckyou.Outofallthepeopleinthisfucked-upworldI’vealwayscountedonyou.Yeah,
Embershouldhavetoldme,butwhenyouknewshedidn’t,youshouldhave.”Ishakemyheadindisgust
athim.Sickenedbythefactthatheknewandkeptthisfromme.Iturnawayfromhim,headingtowardthe
doortoleavewhenhespeaksup.

"Wherethefuckareyougoing?"heasks,andIlookbackathimashewipestheremainingbloodfromhis
lip.

"I'mgoingtotalktoEmberlikeIshouldhavebefore."Ijabmyfingerathimwhenhegoestospeak."And
asyousaidbefore,thisshitisn’tyourplace,soyoubetternotfuckingfollowme."

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-FIVE

EMBER

I'mstillacrumpledmessoftearsandagonypiledonthefloorofthehallway.Hiddenbehindthecouch
withapartialviewofthefrontdoor.Ihaven'tmovedsinceIcollapsedafterhangingupwithDamon.

Ican't.

NotwhenthepainandanguishflashingacrossKayson'sfacearestillsofresh.Notwhenhishurtfulwords
stillpourovermeasIreplaythemoverandoveragain.

Theutterdevastationandregret.Thelossandsorrow.Thehatredandanger.Allofitignitedbehindhis
eyesandexplodedthroughhisfury.Atme,athimself,andatthecrueltyofthisworld.

AsobhitchesinmythroatasKaysonburststhroughmystillunlockedfrontdoor.Italmostfliesoffthe
hingesasitslamsoffthewall,dentingit.

"Ember!"heyellsandthesoundricochetsoffthewalls.

Myhitchedsobfinallybreaksfreeasittumblespastmylips,alertinghimofmypositiononthefloor.

Ihearhisheavybootedfootfallsbeforetheycomeintoviewaroundthecouchdividingthehallwayand
livingroom.Hestopssuddenlywhenheseesme,butIdon'tmovetolookupathim.Ican'tstandtosee
thefuryanddevastationswirlinginhiseyes.Thedisappointmentinmyselfisgreatenough;Idon'tneed
hisontopofit.

"Haveyoubeensittingherethiswholetime?"Hisvoiceisgruffanddemanding,withahintofguiltand
disbelief.WhenImakenomovetolookupathimorrespondhetriesagain."Ember,I'vebeengonefor
threefuckinghours.Haveyoubeensittingtheretheentirefuckingtime?"

Threehours?Hashereallybeengonethatlong?

Itfeelslikejustmomentsagohestormedoutonme.Onus.Onthenewsofthelossofourson.Igasp
whenIfinallylookupathim,noddingmyheadslightly.Hisclenchedrightfistholdsbustedknucklesand
theleftsideofhisscruffyjawisswollenandbruising.

Damon.

Myeyesclosebrieflyatthethoughtofthemfightingbecauseofme,thenflutteropenasKayson'sbreathing
picksup.Hishard,assessingeyestakeinmypuffy,bloodshotonesandhissoftenmarginally.Butthey
hardenjustasquickly,asifherememberswhyhestormedoutofhereinthefirstplace.IstandslowlyasI
trytocomposemyself.Ican’ttakemyeyesoffofhisface.

I’mnotafraidofhisanger.ButIamterrifiedthatafterfinallyrealizingIdon’twanttolivewithouthim,
thatitwon’tbemychoiceanymore.Thathe’llmakethedecisiononhisownandwalkout.

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Aswestandinfrontofeachother,bothstrugglingforair,Kaysonmovessuddenlyandsurprisesthehell
outofme.

Hedoesn’tsayaword.Hedoesn’tyell,hedoesn’tblameme.Instead,hefistsmylong,darkhairinhis
lefthandashisinjuredrightonewrapsaroundmyhip.

Hardgrayeyesstaredownintomytear-filledbrownonesbeforeheclaimsmylipsinasearingkissfilled
withhatred,sadness,loss,andlove.

Hiskisssaysitall.

Hebreaksawayslightly,hislipsstillbrushingmineinhardpants,asheliftsthenslamsmeagainstthe
wallthatseparatesthekitchenfromthehall.Hestealsthebreathfrommylungs.Firstattheharshcontact
andsecondwhenhislipsslambackdowntomine.

Histeethsinkintomylips.Histongueslashesagainstmine.Hislipsbrandmymouth.

Heownsmecompletelywiththiskissfullofangerandlove.Icanfeelthewarwaginginsideofhim.

“Ihavebeenbackfortwomonths.I’vebeentryingtoshowyouI’machangedfuckingman.
Understandingallyourreservations.Andallthistimeyou’vebeenkeepingthisfromme,”hespitsout
betweenclenchedteethbeforeclaimingmybruisedlipsyetagain.

“Iknow,”Isoboutbetweenharshkisses.

Hebracesmeagainstthewallashisrighthanddisappearstoshovemyleggingsandpantiesdownmy
thighs.Histouchisroughanddemanding.Heholdsthematerialatthecrotchwhentheyhitmyspread
kneesonhiships,soIcanpullonelegout.Hedoesn’tevenbotherwiththeother.

OnceI’mbaredtohiseyes,heundoesthebuttonandflyonhisjeansandshovesthemandhisboxerbriefs
downhisthighs,justenoughtofreehislength.Hefistsitthenrubstheheadthroughmywetslit.Ona
strangledmoanIdropmyheadagainstthewall.Thenheslamsintome.

Hard.Rough.Angry.

He’spoundingintomelikeamanpossessed.AndIlethim.Ineedthisjustasmuchashedoes.

Thesexualtensionthathasbeenconsumingussincehereturned,andhisangeroverwhatIkeptfromhim,
mixingtocreateatoxiccombination.

He'sfuckingmelikehehatesme.Likehewisheshenevercameback.Likethiscouldbethelasttime.

Myheartshattersatthethoughttheneuphoriamasksthepainasmyorgasmcrashesthroughmequickly.

AsKaysonfindshisrelease,hisgriploosensyettightensallatonce.Asifhe'sgivingup,butcan'tletme
go.

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Whenhishipsstopmovingandourmoansdiedown,shamewashesoverme.Therewasnothingloving
andmeaningfulaboutwhatjusthappened.

Icouldn'tstopthetearsnowevenifIwantedto.Ashefeelsmytearshithisneck,emotionthickenstheair
andhisjoinmine.I'mstillpinnedtothewallandhe'sstillburiedinsideofmeashecriesforthefirst
time.Grievinghisloss.Ourloss.

Kaysonheavesadeepbreathbeforeliftinghisfacefrommyneck.Tearsstillwetonhisface.Hiseyesare
softernow,butthehurtisstillthere.“Ason?”hequestions,andInodmyhead.Mytearsneverstopping.

Alookofunderstandingseemstopassoverhisfaceasheslipsoutofme.Butheneverletsmego.He
runshissadeyesallovermyface.

“I’msosorry,Kayson.IknowIshouldhavetoldyousooner,Iwassohurt—”

“Iknow.”

“Wh-what?”

“Onmydrivebackhere,everythought,everyscenario,ranthroughmymind.Iwasbeingirrational
earlier.Tooblindedbymyhurtandangertounderstandandlisten,”hesaysquietly.“Butaftergettinginto
itwithDamon,andcalmingmyselfdownenough,Irealizedthatexpectingyoutohuntmedowntotellme
aboutoursonallthoseyearsagowasunrealistic.EspeciallyafterhowIleftyou.”

“Youhaveeveryrighttobeupsetwithmerightnow,”Isaysoftly.Shockedathissuddenunderstanding.

Heshakeshisheadsadlythenrunshisfingersovermyforehead,brushingawaythehairfrommyface.“I
willtellyouthatit’sgoingtotakemeawhiletogetoverthis.Especiallysinceyoudidn’ttrytotellme
oncesinceIcameback.”

Idropmyeyestohischest,butheliftsmychinandplacesagentlekisstomylips.

“I’msorry.”Isobagainstthemagain.Hisgentlenesswreakinghavoconme.

“Iknow.”Hetoeshisshoesoff,thenkicksoffhisjeansandunderwearbeforepullingtherestofmy
clothesfrommyleftleg.

“AfteryourmeetingtonightIwantedtotellyouthatIloveyou,thatIchooseyou,butIknewIneededto
tellyouaboutKJfirst.”

Hiseyesslideclosedasasuddenpainfillsthemathearingourson’sname.Mybreathhitches.“Thank
fuck,becauseI'mnotlettingyougonow.You'remine,baby.Alwayshavebeen,alwayswillbe.”

Leavingourdiscardedclothesinthehallway,Kaysoncarriesmetomybedroomthenlaysmegentlyon
mybed.Agreatcontrasttohisearlier,rougheractions.

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Hereachesdowntothehemofmytopandliftsitovermyheadthenreachesbehindmyarchedbackto
removemybra.

Iblushashiseyestakeinmycompletelybarebodyforthefirsttime.

“Beautiful,”hehuffsout.

ThenhestepsbackandliftshisblackT-shirtoverhishead.Completelybaretomeforthefirsttime.His
bodyishonedtoperfection.NotthatoftheboyIusedtoknow,butofthemanIlongtolearn.

Droolworthyarmscordedwithmuscles.Bicepsandtricepsandforearmsfordays.Awiderchestthan
before,cutfromstone.Chiseledsixpackabs.ThatdelectableVthatleadstohisveryprominent
manhood.Alongwithallthenewmusclesarethenewtattoosthatadornhisbody.Hisoncelonetattooon
hisrightbicephasturnedintoafullsleevethatwrapsaroundtohisbackandupontohisshoulder,almost
tohisneck.It'sbeautifulreally.Blackandcoloredinkscrollsacrosshisskin.Scriptedinkcatchesmyeye
onhisleftsideoverhisribcageashetosseshisshirttotheside.

"What?"heasks.Smirking.KnowingI'mpracticallypantingoverhisnakedself.

"What'sthatonyourside?"

"It'snothing,"heanswersdismissively.

"Itdoesn'tlooklikenothing."

Hiseyesslowlyslideshutonadeepbreath.

WhenhereleasesitIaskgently,"Comehere,Kayson.Please?"

MutteringhecomesovertomewhileI'mproppeduponmyelbowsonthebed.

Tattooedalonghisribsarethewordsofthesongthatmeantmoretomethananyother.

KAYSON

"Kayson?"sheasks,astearswellinherdeepbrowneyes.

"Yeah,baby?"Ireply,knowingI'llneedtoexplainthemeaningbehindthesewordsthatmarkmybody.
"What...?Doesthismean...?"

Theonlyinktomarktheleftsideofmybody.Wordswealwayssaidtoeachother,thatmeanttheworldto
us,brandmyleftribcagethatprotectsmyheart.

Myheartthatbelongstoher,thatalwayshasandalwayswill.

“I’vealwayscarriedyouwithme,baby.Inmyheartandonmybody.”

Freshtearsfillherbrowneyesnow.Replacingtheonesofregretandshamewithonesofloveandawe.

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EarliertonightIwasreadytoleavethissmalltownforgood.Neverreturn.Butaftermyrun-inwith
Damonatthebar,andalmostblowingmysobriety,Itookadrivetotrytocalmdown.IknewIneededto
talktoEmber.Icouldn’tjustleavethingshowIleftthem.ButfuckwasIhurt.

FindingoutIhadason,andlosthim,completelyturnedmyworldonitsaxis.FindingoutthatEmberkept
thatfrommeforalltheseyearsburneddeep.ButthenrationalthoughtinfiltratedmymindandIrealized
something:howthefuckwasshesupposedtotellme?ThenIrealizedwhathurtevenmorewasthatshe
keptitfrommenow.ForthesetwomonthsthatI’vebeenback.Shepunishedmeforourpast,forthehurtI
causedher,butshewashidingthisfromme.SomethingIdeservedtoknow.ThatIhaveeveryrightto
know.

AndwhathurtevenmorethanthatwasthefactthatIneverevenhadachancetomournthelossandbe
thereforEmberwhileshewentthroughthehardesttimeofherlife.TheshameIfeltatthatrealization,
thatmyweak-assinsecuritiesandmyinabilitytocleanmyselfupsoonerkeptusfromgoingthroughthat
tragedytogether,hitmelikeaMacktruck.

Soaftermyinternalbreakdownandtalkingmyselfoffthecliff,IcutaU-turninthemiddleofthehighway
andgunneditbacktoEmber.Vowingtoputanendtothedistanceandthebullshitthatkeptusapart.Itwas
timetocleartheair,layitalloutontheline,andtakebackmywomanwhethershewasreadyornot.

Asmall,warmhandtouchesmycheek,bringingmefrommythoughts.Ileanoverandbracemyarmson
eithersideofherhips.

“You’vehadthisonyourbodythiswholetime?”shequestionssoftly.

Sheliftsatentativehandtomyside,tracinghersmall,warmfingersovermyskin.Goosebumpseruptat
hertenderness.

Asherfingerstraceeachword,shemouthsthemasshegoes.“MakeYouFeelMyLove”fallsfromher
lipsandit'sasightthatwillbebrandedinmymindforever.

“AssoonasImovedtoPembrooke,afterleavingPleasantBeach,Igotinkedstraightaway,”Ireply
honestly.“Youhavealwaysownedme,baby.Always.”

Thosetearsthatfilledhereyesmomentsagotrackdownherfacenow.Imoveahandtowipethemaway
beforetheyfallfromherchin.

Sheliesback,andIfollowherdownandthengroanattheskinonskincontact.Shemoansinunison.

Shufflingushigheronthebed,theheadofmycocknudgesherpussy,stillslickfromourmixedarousal,
causinganothergroantoripfrommythroat.

Sincereandintensedarkeyespeerupatmethroughimpossiblythicklashesstillwetfromhertears.

“AfteryoustormedoutofhereIdidn’tthinkyou’dcomeback.IthoughtI'dlostmychancewithyoufor
good.”

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Ilookdownatherquietlyspokenconfession.“Ididn’tthinkIwouldeither,”Ireplyhonestly.“Nomore
secrets,Ember,ever.Iwenttoabar,Iwantedtodrink.”

Shegasps.

“Ironicright?Afterwherewelefttonight."Ishakemyheadindisgust."ButDamonshowedupbeforeI
couldtakethatfirstsip.Afterwethrewacoupleofpunches,andIclearedmyheadsome,IknewIhadto
comebacktoyou.Iknewthatthisbetweenuswasn'tover,justlikeitneverwasbefore,andthatifwecan
makeitthrougheverythingwe'vesurvivedsofar,thenwe'llbeabletomakeitthroughanything."

Warmbrowneyesshinebrightwithunderstandingandlove."Makemefeelyourlove,Kayson."Ashy
smilecrossesherplumplips,wreckingmeforwhathastobethemillionthtime.

"I'llneverstop,baby.Never,"Ivowfiercely.

ThenIslideintoheaven,intotheonlyhomeI'veeverknown,wherewespendthewholenightgettinglost
ineachotheraswefindourselvesagain.Whereapologiesarebothwhisperedintothenightandfelt
througheachtouch.Wherewereignitethelovewe'vealwayshadforeachotherbetweeneachkiss,each
stroke,andeachbreath.Wherewespendthewholenightmakingsuretheotherneverdoubtstheother's
loveeveragain.

Wherewemakeeachotherfeelourlove.

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-SIX

-JUNE-

EMBER

Itwistthecapbackonmylightpinklipglossthenrollmylipstogethertospreaditevenly.Ilookupinto
myvanitymirrortocheckmyhairandtherestofmymakeuptofinishgettingreadyforamuchneeded
nightout.

Afteranightofmakingupforlosttimeandrelearningeachotherfromheadtotoe,KaysonandIfounda
newnormalafterIfinallyopenedupcompletelytohimlastmonth.Andhimtome.

Itookhimtothecemeterythenextday.WhenItoldhimwehadaplacetomournandloveourson,he
wantedtogoimmediately.Whenwepulledupandwalkeddownthepathtothesmallgravemarkersetin
thegrass,webothbrokedown.

Itwasamomentwebothneeded.Together.

Hestruggledforacoupleofweeksafter,withtrustingme.Butwemadeitwork.

ItoldhimIwasasinvestedashewas.ThatpartofwhyIkepthimatadistanceandneverwantedtotalk
wasbecausethenthatwouldhavemeantIwouldhavehadtofinallytellhim.Butnowthateverythingis
outintheopen,nowthatwehavenosecretsbetweenus,apeacehassettledoverus.

Icanstillseethesadnessfillhiseyesonoccasionthough.Eithertheagonyofthelosssufferedorthe
betrayalofmenottellinghimsooner.Eitherwayitstillgutsmeallthesame.KnowingthatIhadahandin
thatpain.

Kaysondoesn'tletitaffectusthough.HewantstomoveforwardjustasmuchasIdo.Sowhenthehurt
becomesalittletooheavy,wesharetheweightofittogether.

I’mbroughtoutofmythoughtswhenIfeelKayson’slarge,warmhandghostupmybarearmashecomes
tostandbehindme.Icatchthelookofappreciationinhiseyes,inthereflectionofthemirrorashetakes
meinfromheadtotoe.

“Fuck,baby,youlookasgorgeousasever.You,inthisdress,wearingthoseheels...fuck.”Hegroansout
asheleansdowntoplacehisfulllipstomyneckbeforenippingthesensitivespotbelowmyear.

“Mmm,”Imoanoutquietly.

“Don’t,”hegrindsout.“Ifyoukeepmakingthosenoisesandwigglingthisassagainstme,Iwon’tbeheld
accountableforwhathappensnext.”Hishandshitmyhipsandhestepsbackslightly.

“Youalmostreadyanyway?Everyoneiswaitingonus,accordingtoDamon.Igotatextfromhimten
minutesago,bitchingaboutusalwaysbeinglate.”Thesmirkonhisfaceletsmeknowhe’suptonogood.
“IthentoldhimthatwhenIhavesuchabeautifulbodytoworship,beinglateshouldbeexcused.”

IblushfiercelybecauseIknowhe’sserious.Idon’tevenneedtosayanything;thelookonmyfacesaysit

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all.

“What?”heasks,likehedidn’tjusttellhisbestfriendwhatweweredoingnoteventwentyminutesago.

“Icannotbelieveyoutoldhimthat,Kayson!Nowwhenwegetthere,they’llallknowwhywewerelate.”

Ishakemyheadathimandstepawayfrommyvanity,pickingupmyclutch.AsIspintoheadtothe
bedroomdoor,IletoutayelpasastingsettlesonmyassfromwhereKaysonjustspankedme.

“Let’sgo,baby.Time’sa-wasting.”Hewinksashesauntersaheadofme.

KAYSON

Emberandhergirlsendtheirdancebreakandheadoutontothedancefloorasthelastsongstartstoend.
Sheflasheshersexy,shysmilereservedforonlyme,butbeforeshecangettoofarIpullherinbyher
hipstodevourhermouth.KnowingIwon'tlastwithoutonewhenIwatchhertearupthedancefloorin
hersexy-as-fuckdressthathasbeenkillingmeallfuckingnight.

IpullherbetweenmyopenlegswhereI’msittingonthebarstoolandtakeherpoutylipsinadeepkiss,
causingmydicktojumpbehindthezipperofmyjeans.

Fuck,weneedtogetoutofheresoonsoIcanburymyselfdeepintoheaven.

Withonelastswipeofmytongue,Ipullbackslowly,herplumpbottomlipbetweenmyteeth.Hereyes
areclosed;she'sbreathless,asmallmoanescapingherlips.

Wereallyneedtoleavesoon.

IpullbackcompletelybeforeIlosecontrol,kissherbottomlip,thenslapherasstosendheronherway.

Notawordwasspokenbetweenus,butshegotmyunspokenmessage.Shesmilesatmeoncemore,her
breathstillabitchoppyfromourkiss,thenIseeTraceycomeupbehindmygirl.AsshegrabsEmber's
handtotrailaftertherestofthegirls,InoticefromthecornerofmyeyeDamonwatchingTraceyclosely.
Hecatchesmenoticing,givesmeasharpshakeofhisheadtodropit,soIdo.Ican'tfocusonanythingor
anyoneelsebesidesmygirlanyway.

It'sstillhardtobelievesometimes,thatI'mfreetotouchandkissandtakefromheranytimeIwant.That
she'sallowedmebackin.ThatI'veforgivenher,thatshe'sforgivenme,andthatwe'vemovedontogether.
IcatchmyselfinthesemomentsafterI'vejustheldhercloseorkissedher,thinkingaboutthislastmonth
andhowIalmostdidn'thavethechancebeforewefinallybrokethatnight.

Butnowweonlyevermoveforward.

IttookmeafewdaystoforgiveDamon.Logically,Iknowthathewasneveratfault,butknowingthathe
knewalltheseyearsstillburneddeep.Butwemovedpastthatnight,too.AsEmberlikestoputit,our
bromanceisbackon.Ithinkshejustlikesmepunishingherinthebedroomforthosecomments.Ifhersly
grinisanythingtogobyaftersheevenspeaksthewordbromance.

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AsTraceyandEmbermakeitouttothemiddleofthedancefloor,joiningSamandAmber,thesensual
pulsingbeatof“Ride”byChaseRicestartstopoundthroughthespeakersandmygirlstartstoswayher
luscioushipstothesong.Mytorturedcockturnspainfullyhardasshedragsherhandsuphersides,
throughherhair,thenraisesthemaboveherhead.Herhipsneverstopping.

Itakeinallherbeauty,theswayofherhips,therollofherbody,whenInoticesomemotherfuckerzonein
onheronthedancefloor,makinghiswayover.Andthat'swhenIendmydancingstrike.Nowayissome
douchebaggettingwithinfivefeetofmygirl,letalonetouchingher.Nofuckingway.

“Thatmotherfuckertouchesher,he’sdead,”ImuttertomyselfasIpushoffthestoolIwassittingonand
startshovingthroughthedancingandgyratingbodiesonthedancefloor.

IhearDamongetuptofollowandnoticesomeguybehindTracey.Seriously,Ineedtoaskhimwhatthe
fuckisgoingon.

ShakingmyheadandfocusingmythoughtssolelyonEmber,Iseeshe'sspunaroundsoherbackistome.I
makeittoherjustasthefuckerdoesandglaresohardI'msurprisedhedoesn'tburstintofuckingflames.
Hebacksoffquickly,seeingthepainIwillinflictonhimreflectedinmystareifhestepsanycloser.

Whenhestartstoretreat,IplacemylargehandsonEmber'stinywaistandfeelherjumpslightly.“It’sjust
me,baby.”Ibreatheagainstherearthenwatchinaweasgoosebumpseruptacrossherneck,herhair
drapedovertheoppositeshoulderallowingmetheview.Thosegoosebumpsmakemewanttoslammy
fiststomychestandroaroutlikeafuckingbeastknowingIaffectherasmuchassheaffectsme.

Shemeltsintomychestwhensherealizesit’sme,herasshittingmyrock-hardcockwiththosefuck-me
heelson;makingmycockevenharder.

Fuck…thatass.

Iletoutalowgroanwhenshestartstoswayagain,grindingherlusciousassagainstme,andIslidemy
handsdowntoherhips,pullingherincloser,andstarttomovewithher.ImaynotlikedancingbutI'mnot
aterribleatit,andI'mnotexactlysufferingwithmygirlinmyarms.Plus,thiscan’tbetoomuchharder
thanfucking,canit?AndthatIcando.

Emberloopsherarmsaroundmyneckpullingmefrommythoughtsoftakingherfrombehind,herhands
runningthroughthehairatthebackofmyhead,causingadeepgrowltorumblefrommychest.Asshe
keepsmovingintome,Ibringmyhandsup,oneflatagainstherstomachjustunderherfull,perfecttitsand
theotherIbringuptolightlycircleherthroat.Usingmyfingers,Iclaspherchintoturnherheadfor
accesstoherslenderneck.

Ifeel,ratherthanhear,themoansheunleashesasitvibratesupherchestandpastherthroat,asIlickup
hernecktoherjaw.Nippingitgently.

Weneverstopmoving,grinding,swayingasthemusicplayson.WhenIcan'ttakeherassagainstmyjunk
anymore,Iplacemyhandsbacktoherwaistandspinheraroundthenbringherrightbackagainstme.
Chesttochest.Herbreathhitches,andlikealwaysIgetlostinherrich,darkbrowneyes.

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Nevertakingmyeyesoffofhers,Islideoneofmythighsbetweenherlegsandbringbothhandsdownher
barebacktosettleontheroundglobesofherperfectass.Igroanagain.

Thisassisgoingtobethedeathofme.

WhenI'vegotEmbersettledagainstme,herwarmheatonmythigh,herfulltitspressedagainstmyhard
chest,andherperfectassinmyhands,Istartgrindingagainsther.Lettingthefilthywordsofthesongand
sensualbeatspuruson.Lettingthewordsconveywhatournightwillconsistofonceweleavethisclub.

Emberstartstorollherhipsassherunsherhandsthroughmyhairandbringsthemtowraparoundmy
neck.Shepressesandgrindsandrollsasclosetomeasshecanget.Likeshecan’tstandtherebeingany
spacebetweenus.

Iknowthefeeling.

AsthesongstartstocometoanendEmberleansfurtherintome,bringingherlipstomyneckwhereshe
breathesmyname.“Kayson.”Draggingitoutinathroatywhisper.

ThenIfeelherwarm,wettonguecomeouttoplayassheplacesopenmouthedkissesonanyskinshecan
reach.Asshemakesitclosertothattenderspotbelowmyearthatsheknowsdrivesmecrazy,Ipraythat
shedoesn’tdowhatshenormallydoes.Becauseifshedoes,Ican’tguaranteethatIwon’tlayheroutright
hereinthemiddleofthisdancefloorfullofpeopleandfuckherintonextweekaseveryonewatches.

Myprayerwasn’tsoonenoughbecauseshedoesexactlywhatIthoughtshe’ddo.Assoonasherlips
makeittothatonespotshepullsaway,thenIfeelteeth.Shebitesthennibblesthatspotforalloftwo
secondsbeforeI’mgroaningandpushingherawayfrommegently.

"Weneedtoleave.Now."Idon’tevenbotherhidingthelustinmyeyes,theneedinmyvoice,andthe
harshnessinmydemand.

LustanddesirestarebackatmeinEmber’shoodedgazeasshenodsherconsent.

Igrabherhandandpullherbackintome.“Givemethosewords,baby.TellmewhatIwanttohear.”

Herpoutylipspopopenwhenmygrowledwordsfinallycarryoverthemusic.“O-okay,”shestammers
out.Breathlesswithwant.

Itosshermysmirkthatrevealsmydimple,causingalazysmiletoturnuponherface.Ishakemyheadon
asmalllaughasIstartwalkingusoutoftheclub,neverlettinggoofherhand.Linkingourfingers,Idon’t
evenbotherstoppingtosaybyetoanyofourfriends.Ijustdragheroutoftheclubwhileenvisioning
everysinglefilthythingIcan’twaittodotohergorgeousbody.

****

CrashingthroughthefrontdoorofEmber'sapartment,Ikickthedoorshutwithmybootedfootthen
immediatelystartwalkingtowardherbedroom.Wehitthehallwaywallsacoupleoftimes,never

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separatingourmouths,butI'mcarefultotakethebruntofeachimpact.Rightinguseachtime.

Ibarelyheldonfortheten-minutedriveittooktogethere.Icouldseeherchestheavingfromthecorner
ofmyeye;hearherbreathymoansslippastherlipsassheshiftedherlegsinherseat,lookingforsome
relief.Ileftbothhandstothewheel,whiteknucklingthewholewaytostopfrompullingthefuckoverand
fuckingherrightthere.

AssoonasIpulledupIhadjustturnedmytruckoffbeforeIjumpedout,ranaroundthefrontofthecab,
pulledEmber'sdooropen,thendraggedherout.Ineversetherdown.Justhadherwrapherarmsandlegs
aroundmelikeavineandcarriedherthroughthebuilding.

Herlipsneverleftme—myneck,myface,mylips.Andmyhandsneverleftherroundass.Fromthefront
doorstotheelevatortoherfrontdoor.

IntheelevatorrideuptoherfourthfloorapartmentIwasabletotasteherfulllips,andtasteherIdid.I
devouredherlips,suckedonhertongue,andnippedherwithmyteeth.Icouldn’tgetenoughandneither
couldshe.Ihadherpinnedagainstthewall,bracedwithmyhipssomyhandscouldroamfromherassto
hertitsandbackagain.Astheelevatordoorpingedopen,Istaggeredthroughbeforeitslidclosedandgot
ustoherdoorwithminimaltrouble.

I’mbroughtbacktothepresentasImakeittoherbed,mykneesknockingintothefootofit,causingmeto
stumbleabitandEmbertogiggleagainstmylips.

Itossherdowngentlybuturgently.Needingtobeinsideofher.She'slaidoutbeforemeonherqueen-
sizedbed.TitsstraininghertightblackdressasshefightstoregainthebreathIjuststole.

Idon’tknowwheretobegin.Iwanttoconsumeherandownher.Getlostinherandbefoundinher.I
wanttofusemyselfwithher,getsotangledupwecan’ttellwhereoneendsandtheotherbegins.

Idecidetostartwithherfeetandremoveherrightheelfromherfoot.Trailingonehandupherbarelegas
myotherholdsherbytheanklesoIcandragopenmouthkissesalonghersatinskin.AsIneartheapexof
herthighsIstopshort.Thesmellofherarousalcausingmymouthtowater,andIaboutshootoffinmy
jeans.ItakeadeepbreathtocalmmyselfbeforeIrepeattheprocesswithherleftleg.Stoppingshortof
whereshesodesperatelywantsmeyetagain.

ShegroansindisappointmentthatturnsintoasquealofsurprisewhenIdragherbyheranklessoherass
isperchedattheendofthebed.Herfeethittingthecarpetedfloor.

IgentlygrabherhandsthatarebyhersidessoIcanpullheruptostanding.“Youlookabsolutely
gorgeoustonight.DidItellyouthat?”IaskbeforeIlayakisstohercheek.

SheblushesthatgloriousshadeofpinkwhereIjustkissedbeforesherepliesonabreathywhisper,
“Maybeonceortwice.”

WhenIletgoofherhands,Ember’scomeuptostartscoringhernailsalongmyabs,underneathmyblack
T-shirtasshedragsmyshirtup.

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OncemyshirtpassesmyheadIbendtoplacemylipstoEmber’s,justbreathingherin,asIbringmy
handstothehemofhershort,tightdressthathasbeenteasingmeallnight.

Shegaspsthenmoansagainstmylipswhenshefeelsmyknucklesbrushherbareskinalonghersides,asI
dragherdressup,wepartasitpassesoverherhead.Herbaretitsbouncefromtheirconfinement—no
bra—whichhasmegroaningasItossherdressbehindmesomewhere.Notgivingafuckbecausemygirl
isstandingbeforemeinnothingbutatinyscrapofblacklace.

“Kayson,”shebreathesout.Aflushworkinguphernecktohercheeks.“Please.”Shebegs.

Notbeingabletotakeitanymoreandwantingtoseeherbareperfection,Ibringmyrighthandtoherhip
andteartheflimsyblacklacefromhercore.BringingarushofairtoflowpastEmber’slipsandhitmy
barechest.

Itakeasmallstepbacktotakeinherbeautyandtheairisknockedfrommylungs.Nomatterhowmany
timesI’veseenherbareandflushedbeforemesincewe’vereunited,Iwillnevergetusedtotheexquisite
beautythatshepossesses.Fromherexpressiveeyes,toherpoutylips,tothosefulltitsthatoverflowmy
hands,andtothatbareandtight-as-fuckpussyofhersthatIneverwanttoleave.

Eachgloriousinchofher,insideandout,isutterperfectionmadejustforme.

AndI’mneverlettinghergoeveragain.

Iquicklyunbuttonmyjeansandslidethemandmyboxerbriefsdownmylegsandtoeoffmybootstokick
offmyclothes.Mycockjerksagainstmylowerabsashereyestakemein.Headtotoe.Thenitpoints
righttohomewhenhersmallhandrisestotracetheVinmyhipswithalighttouch.

"YoualwayssayhowbeautifulIam.But,Kayson,it'syouwho'sbeautiful."Hereyesliftfrommybodyto
meetmyeyes.Thebrowndepthsaresoftwithloveandwonder.

FuckingChrist,I'maluckysonofabitch.

"Liedown,baby.Letmeloveyou."

Thatshysmileofhersalmostbringsmetomyknees.

IgraspEmber'swaist,liftingher,andshewrapsherlegsaroundmyhips.Iplaceagentlekissagainsther
lipsthatarestillpuffyfrommyearlierassaultbeforelayingherbackonthebed.Ireacharoundandclasp
heranklesthatarecrossedbehindmybacktoreleasethem.ShepoutswhenIdon'tcomeovertopofher,
andthensoftlygaspswhenIspreadherwideonthebed.Exposinghertome.

Hereyesheat,expectingmetodevourher.AndIwill,butI'mtakingmytimetonight.Mydickcan'twait
onemoreminutetobeembracedbyhertightheat.SofirstI'mtakingherlongandslowandhard.ThenI'll
spendthenightworshippingeveryfuckinginchofher.Poutylipstoprettypinkpussy.

"Youreadyforme,baby?"IwhisperasIclimbontothebed.Myhipsspreadingherlegsjustalittlebit
wider.Iswipetheheadofmycockthroughherwetslittospreadherarousal.

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Shestartstonod,butthenstopsbecausesheknowsIwantherwords."I'vebeenreadyallmylife."

That'sallIneededtohearandmore.

AsslowlyasIcan,IslideintoEmber.InchbyagonizinginchuntilI'mburiedtothehilt,andI'm
suppressingtheurgetorearbackandslamintoher.

Wemoantogetherthenstarttomoveasone.Myhandsarecuppingherroundass,tiltingherhips.Her
handsarerunningthroughmyhairthenroamingacrossmyback.Ihaven'ttakenmyeyesoffofherface
once.Througheachcry,moan,andtossofherhead.Myeyeshavestayedfixedonherface.Itakeadeep
breathwhenherrichbrowneyesmeetmygrayones.Thenalmostloseallcontrolwhensheuttershernext
words.

"Iloveyou."Shebreathesout.

Fuck,I'llnevergettiredofhearinghersaythat.Ever.Thewayhersoft,raspytonewrapsaroundeach
word.Thewayhertonguecaresseseachsyllable.Thewaythosethreewordsfromherlipsabsolutely
ownme.

"Iloveyou,too,baby."

"Forever?"Shemoansoutasmypaceslowlystartstoincrease.

"Forever."Ivow.

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-SEVEN

KAYSON

ItakeadeepbreathasEmber’smomopensthefrontdoortohertwo-bedroomranch-stylehousejustasI
finishknocking.

"Kayson,"shesayswarmly.Aslowsmilebloomingacrossherface.

"Cassandra,"Ireplythenclearmythroat."IhopeI'mnotinterrupting."

"Ohno.I'msorry.Comein.Comein."Shepushesoutonthescreendoorthenstepsbacktomakeroomfor
metostepthrough.

Itakeanotherdeepbreathasthedoorsnapsclosedbehindme.Nervousnesspricklesovermyskin.

Sheleadsmedownthehallintotheopenkitchen-diningroomthat'spaintedapaleyellow."Wouldyou
likesomethingtodrink?Waterorcoffee?"

Istarttoshakemyheadbutthendecideawatermaybegood."I'lltakesomewaterifyoudon'tmind."

Sheoffersmehergentle,motherlysmileasshepullsopentherefrigeratordoorandretrievestwobottles
frominsidebeforehandingmeone."Whydon'twegositonthepatiooutback?It'sagorgeousdayout
there."Shesmilesagainthenturnsandmakesherwaytotheslidingglassdoor.

SheslidesitopenandIfollowherthroughthentakeaseatatthepatiotableaftershedoes.Ilookupinto
thealmostcloudlessbluesky,gatheringmythoughts.Sheisright,it'saniceearlysummerdayinJune.Sun
shiningandall.

WhenIfinallytiltmyheadbackdownandlooktoCassandra,hereyesarealreadytrainedonme.A
knowinglookonherface.

BeforeIcansayanything,herexpressionchanges.Atouchofsadnesssofteningherfeatures.Sheplaces
hersmallhandovermine."I'msorryaboutyourmother."

Iscoffandshakemyheadatthesincerityinhervoice."Iappreciateit,butitisn'tnecessary.Wedidn't
havearelationshiplongbeforeIleftPleasantBeach."

Softsmilestillinplaceshereplies."Regardless,shewasyourmother.SoI'msorry."

Iofferheratiltofmylipsinreturn,alongwithanodofmyhead.I'mnotgoingtoarguewithher.Not
whenshe'salwaysbeensokindtome,evenwhenIdidn'tdeserveit.AndespeciallynotwhenI'mhereto
askheroneofthebiggestquestionsofmylife.

Iblowoutadeepbreath."I'msorrytodropbylikethis.I'msureyouweren'texpectingme."

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"I'vebeenexpectingyousinceIfirstsawyousittinginthehospitalwaitingroom,backwhenmybabygirl
wasshot."

SurpriseshocksmesilentasIwatchhersaddenedface,overthementionofEmber'sshooting,turnalltoo
knowingyetagain.

"Youhave?"

"Ihave,"shesaysthroughasmile.AsmilethatisalmostidenticaltoEmber's.Ishakemyhead,confused,
asshecontinues."Ialwaysknewyou'dbeback.JustlikeIalwaysknewyouandmydaughterweremeant
tobetogether.Itdoesn'tmeanthatI'mhappyaboutyourpast,orthatIcondoneit,butIalwaysaccepted
thefactthatyouandEmberwouldenduptogetheroneday.Yourlovewastoofierce,tooreal,tohaveit
turnoutotherwise."

Iswearmyfuckingjawmustbehittingthefloor.IfiguredI'dhavetoworkatthis,toprovetoCassandra
thatI'mreallyinthiswithEmber.Ensuremyloyaltyandmyhearttoherdaughter.

Mymindisfuckingblown.

"Thatdoesn'tmeanI'mnotexpectingyoutoaskmestillandthenlayitallontheline.Becauseyouwilldo
both.AndthenI'llremindyouthatIwon'thaveanyproblemsshowingyouthatIknowhowtouseagunif
youbreakmybabygirl'sheartagain."

Ismirk.That'swhereEmbergetshersassfrom.

Thesmileonmyfaceslowlydropsastheweightofthismomentsettlesoverme.Ilookdirectlyinto
Cassandra'seyesbeforeIputitalloutthere.Myheartandsoul.

"I'velovedyourdaughterfromthefirstdayIlaideyesonheralmostfiveyearsago.Ithastobesincethen
becauseIdon'trememberasinglesecondthatIhaven'tlovedher.Evenwhenwewereapartshe
consumedmyeverythought,everybeatofmyheart.Iwassomehowluckyenoughtowinherheartthefirst
timeandthenagainnow."

MychesttightensjustlikeitalwaysdoeswheneverIthinkaboutEmberandhowfuckingluckyIamthat
shechoseme.Twice.

"IknowImessedupbefore.Iknowlettinghergowastherightthingtodothen,butIknowthewayIdidit
wascompletelywrong.HurtingherthewayIdid.Iknowlettingmydarknessfeedoffthedrugsand
allowingthemtocontrolmylifefuckedeverythingup.AndIknowstayingawayforsolongalmostlost
memychancesatgettingherback.ButIknowthatnowI'machangedman.Iknowthatnomatterthe
circumstancesIcan'teverlivewithoutEmber.AndthatIdon'twantto.IknowthatIwilllaydownmylife
forher,butmoreimportantly,thatIwanttoliveforher."

Ilookdownandtakeinadeepbreath.IbringmyeyesbackupintoCassandra's."She'sallIsee.She'sall
Iwant,allIneed.Sheownsmecompletely,andIwillspendtherestofmylifeshowingherjusthow
muchIloveher,howmuchIneedher,andwhyIchooseher."

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TearsswiminCassandra'seyes,butshedoesn'tletthemfall.

"Sowiththat,I'mheretoaskyouifyou'dallowmethehonorofaskingforyourdaughter'shandin
marriage."

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-EIGHT

KAYSON

IswitchonthelightsandsirensasPaxtonfliesthroughthelanesontheoutskirtsoftownuntilwehitMain
Street,whereheslowsdownenoughtowatchforoncomingtrafficandpedestrians.Heappearstobe
calm,buthishandsgivehimaway.Theytightenaroundthewheel,turningwhite,ashisadrenalineseeps
throughthecaboftheambulance.

Istarttobouncemykneeasitsurgesthroughme.Anticipatingthesituationwe'reabouttoenter.

AvisionofEmber'sfacelostinecstasystartstofilterthroughmymind.Theonlythingthatwouldbeable
tocalmmedownandtakemymindoffofthissituation.Herlostinthethroesofpassion,justlikelast
night,whenItookhersohardanddeepIcouldn'ttellwheresheendedandIbegan.Fuckingperfection.

Thenthoughtsofmyplansfornextweekcrossmymind.Ihaveitallplannedout.Downtoeverylast
detail.Fuck,Icannotwait.I'vebeencarryingaroundthisboxfortwoweeksnow,waitingfortheperfect
time.

ButIquicklyshakeoffthosethoughtswhenIrememberwhywe'respeedingthroughtraffic.

Wegota10-52requestinganambulancefora10-96radioedin,justtenminutesagofromDamon.Acall
wasmadeintothelineoperatoraboutahomelessdrifterloiteringoutsideofSophie'sKitchen.

Whena10-96iscalledin,theEMTsareonstandbyuntila10-52requestforanambulanceiscalled
throughtheradio.Assoonastheofficersaredispatchedwepreptoleaveincaserestrainedtransportto
thehospitalisneeded,becauseofamentalcase.

FromthesoundsofthingsandthecrowdaroundthecornerofMainandPackerStreetwhereSophie'sis
located,I'dsaywe'reinforarealtreat.

Paxtonpullstheambulanceuptothecurb,paralleltothebeachinfrontofSophie's,andwebothjumpout
andslamourdoorsinunison.Ijogtothebackoftheambulanceandpullopenthedoubledoorsto
retrievethemedicalbagasPaxtonmakeshiswaythroughthecrowd,creatingaclearingformeto
follow.

AsbothPaxtonandImakeitthroughthecrowd,IcatchsightofDamon'sback,hisrighthandplasteredto
hisholsteredgun,whilehislefthandisraisedinaplacatinggesture.AsDamonhearsourapproachhe
shiftsslightly,andthat'swhenIseetheperpetrator.

He'sshoutingprofanitiesandthreateningDamon,alongwiththecrowd.He'sfilthy,wearingtattered,dirty
clothes.Hehaslong,greasy,mattedhair.Mostofhisteetharerottingoutofhismouth.He'safucking
mess.

Whenheseesusapproachhiseyeswidenevenfurther,andhethrowshishandsuptocoverhisearsashe
beginsrockingbackandforthagainstthebuilding.He'smutteringandchantingoverthechatterofthe
crowdwhileDamon,Paxton,andIlookon.Thethreeofusareataloss,entrancedbyhischantingand
rocking.

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DamonsnapsoutofitfirstandturnstoPaxtonandmewhilekeepinghiseyesonthisguylosinghismind.
"GotacallintothestationfromSophie.Shewasgettingcomplaintsaboutthisdrifterhangingaround
outsideallday.Shelethimbeuntilhestartedstormingtowardpatrons,shoutingatpassersby,andhitting
andscratchinghimself.Shewasafraidforpeople'ssafety,includinghis,soshecalleditin."

"I'dsaythatwasagoodcallandit'ssafetosayheneedsanemergencytransporttoMercyGeneral.Once
yougethimcuffedwecanloadhimupandrestrainhimfurther.Thengethimintobeevaluated."

Ilookoveratthemanagainashischantinggetslouder.Paxtonisstilllookingon,waitingfordirection,as
Damonstartsmakinghiswayclosertothedrifter.Tryingtocalmhimdown.

"Sir,canyouhearme?Ifyoucan,weneedyoutocalmdown."Hisvoiceissternyetunderstanding."I'm
comingclosersowecanhelpyou."

Thehomelessmanfreezesthenscreamsatthetopofhislungs,andDamonreachesforhisgunagain.

"Sir,again,weneedyoutocalmdown."Damonisinfulltake-no-shitcopmode.Hisattempttocalmthe
mandownisn’tworking,andIcanseeandfeelthestrainandtensionrollingoffofhisbodyashedecides
hisnextmove.Hewantsthisfuckeroffthestreetandgettinghelp.KeepingPleasantBeachandthisguy
safe.

AssoonasDamongetswithinacoupleoffeet,handstillgluedtohisholsteredgun,theguypushesoffthe
wallandreachesintothefrontpocketofhishoodyallatonce.PaxtonandIfreezeasDamonunholsters
hisgunquickerthanlightningandraisesittotakeaim.

"Listen,Idon'twanttohavetousethis.ButIwillifyoudon'traiseyourhandsaboveyourheadwhereI
canseethem."Icantellbyhistonethatnowhistoppriorityistokeepusandthiscommunitysafe.Iknow
hefeelsforthisguy,who'sfilthy,haggard,andclearlyhomeless,buthiserraticbehaviorneedstobe
stopped.Andquickly.Orthisshitcouldgetoutofhand.

Thehomelessguyseemstounderstandandraiseshisarms,buthe'snotempty-handed.Heshakesouthis
righthandandflipsopenaswitchblade.

"Ohfuck,"ismutteredtomyleftfromPaxton,asIstartcirclingthisfuckertomyright.Imoveoutof
instinct.Gettinganangleonhim.

Damonisshiftingtohisleftasheradiosinforbackup.Clearlyhethoughtthiswouldbesimplerthanit
is.

I'mnowpositionedtothisguy'sleftsidebetweenhimandtheoutsidewallofSophie's.Damonisinfront
ofhim,angledtohisright.WhilePaxtonremainsbetweenthecrowdandus.

Damonisstillshoutingcommandstothisdelusionalfucker.Buthejuststandstherechantingoverthe
commands,armsraised,withknifeinhand.WhenDamoninstructshimtodroptheknifeforthefourth
timethentoputhishandsbehindhishead,helookslikehe'sgoingtocomply.ButthenquickerthanI'd
expectforamaninhiscondition,hegoestolungeforDamonwithhisswitchbladeraisedtostrike.

WithouteventhinkingIgrabthelunaticfrombehindandwraphimupinabearhug,restraininghisarmsto
hissides.

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Hestartstothrashandscreamwildly.PrayingtoLucifertosethimfree.AsI'mstrugglingtokeepmygrip
allIkeepthinkingisthatthisfuckeristotallyfuckinginsane.It'ssadreally,butmysympathyleftthe
secondheattemptedtoattackDamon.AsIgetaholdofthefucker,Damonrushesforwardandbeginsto
apprehendthestillscreaming,delusionalmanashepullsouthishandcuffsfromhisbelt.

BeforeIcantransfertheguyintoDamon'sholdandspinhimaroundsohecanbecuffed,Ifeelabiting
pain,literally,inmyleftarm.Thefuckeractuallybitme.

"Youmotherfucker!"Iroar,andwithouteventhinkingreleasemyrightarmtoclaspmyleft,whichallows
thisguytogetlooseenoughsohe'snolongerrestrained.

Damonisabletoslaponecuffontheguybeforehebeginsswinginghisarmswildly.Buthisrighthand
that'sstillholdingtheswitchbladeisloose.

JustasDamon'sbackupburststhroughthecrowd,Ifeelasearingpainslicethroughmyleftside.Istagger
backastepthenbringmyrighthandtomysideasIhearDamonshoutandheandtwootherofficerstackle
themantotheground.

IlookuptoseePaxtonwalkingtowardme.Hiseyeswideandslightlypanicked.

That'swhenIfeelit.Adeepburnstartstosettleandpainpricklesmyskin.WhenIliftmyhandfrommy
sideIseeit'sstainedadeepred.

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CHAPTERTHIRTY-NINE

EMBER

Traceyishummingasshedraws.IlookoveratherasshefinishesupthelastsketchforTheLittlePrince.

AfterIreceivedthesettlementmoneyfromtheestateofMr.Boyles,whichwaspartofthelawsuitbrought
onbytheschooldepartment,Iknewthatnowwasthetimetofollowanotherdreamofmine.Andthatis
whenTheLittlePrincewasborn;thechildren'sbookI'vebeenwriting.

WhenIdecidedtoseriouslyfollowthroughwiththeidea,IaskedTracey,acoupleofweeksafterKayson
andImadeup,ifshewouldbewillingtoillustratemystory,sincehersketchesaresobreathtaking.She
agreedandIcouldn'tbehappier.NotonlybecausesheisthebestartistI'veeverseen,butbecauseIgetto
workwithoneofmybestfriends,too.

Notmanyknowofherhiddentalent.I'vetriedtotellhernumeroustimestoshareherart,herpassion,but
sherefuses.Shedoesn'twanttheattention,whichissomethingIcanunderstand,soIjustletitgo.I'mjust
happythatsheagreedtosharehertalentwithme.She'sbringingmywordstolifewitheachdrawingand
it'ssooverwhelming.

WhenImadethedecisionafewweeksagotofollowmydreamsandpublishmyfirstchildren'sbook,I
didn'tthinkthatitwouldhappensoquickly.Butafterfinishingupandsendingthemanuscriptofftoa
coupleofpublishers,onedecidedtotakeachanceonme.

Icouldn'tbelieveit.

ButKaysondid.

Hetoldmefromthebeginningoneofthepublishingcompanieswouldfallinlovewithme.Justlikehe
did.

Mydamnheartflutteredandmeltedandswooned.

Wewereinourcouple'stherapysessionwhenthecounseloraskedhowmypanicattackswere,andifI
thoughtmoreaboutgoingbacktoteaching.Althoughitwasmypassion,justthethoughtofwalkingback
intoPleasantBeachElementaryhadmedrowninginfear.

WhenItoldherthatIwouldn'tbeabletohealcompletelyandrecoverfromthepanicattacksifIdid,she
askedmeifIhadanyotherpassions.

KaysonwassurprisedtolearnthatI'dbeenworkingonthischildren'sbookforthelastcoupleofmonths
orso.Andthinkingaboutitforevenlonger.HewasevenmoresurprisedwhenItoldhimthatIhad
alreadysubmittedthemanuscripttoafewpublishers.

"You'llbeamazing,baby,"iswhathetoldme.Ibeamedasmileathim.

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AfterKaysontookmetooneofhismeetingsandthenIhadanotherpanicattack,themostsevereoneyet,
KaysonandMommaconvincedmetostartseeingsomeone.I'vebeenattendingcounselingsessionsforthe
pastfewweeks,andIalreadyfeellighter.

Kaysonagreedtoattendacoupleofsessionswithme,whichwasencouragedbythecounselor,tohelp
bothofusheal.We'veonlybeenacoupleoftimes,butIhonestlybelieveit'soneofthebestthingswe've
doneforourselves.Thingshavebeengoingsowell.We'rereconnectingandrelearning.Talkingthrough
ourhurtsandregrets.Findingoutwhoweareasadults.Fallinginlovealloveragain.

I'mbroughtoutofmythoughtsasmycellphonevibratesalongthetabletop,butIignoreit.Iknowitcan't
beKaysonsinceIjustspokewithhim,andifit'sanyoneelsetheycanwaituntilTraceyandIaredone.

Whenitstartsvibratingagain,forthethirdtime,immediatelyafterstoppingeachtime,Icheckthescreen
andseeit'sDamoncalling.Curiousastowhyhe'dbecalling,backtobacknoless,Ianswerrightbefore
itcutstomyvoicemail."Hello?"

TraceykeepsworkingasIanswer.

"Thankfuck."Damonsoundsexasperatedandworriedashereleasesabreaththatsoundslikehe'sbeen
holdingsincethefirstphonecall.

"Damon?What'swrong?Iseverythingokay?"IseeTraceyflinchandthenlookovertomewhenIsay
Damon'sname.Herbrowneyesslightlyrounderasshelooksatmewithworry.

"Idon'thavelongtotalk.Ihavetogettothestation.ButIwantedtoletyouknowthatthere'sbeenan
accidentinvolvingKayson."

"What?"Ishout.NothearinganythingelseafterKayson'sname."Whatareyoutalkingabout?What
happened?"

"Ember,Idon'thavetimetotalk.JustgettoMercyGeneral.He'sonhiswaythere."BeforeIcanask
anythingelsethelinegoesdead.

Myhandgoesslackandmycellphoneclatterstotheflooratthementionofthehospital.Unadulterated
fearforKaysoncrashesintomeasvisionsofhimbeinghurtfilterthroughflashbacksoftheshooting.
Clashingtogetherandmakingmynightmaresareality.

Mychestheaves,butIcan'tpullinanyair.IfaintlyhearTraceyinthebackgroundtryingtogetmy
attention,butit'slikeI'minatunnel.Thebloodpulsingthroughmyveinsandthebuzzingfillingmyears
drownsherwordsout.

"Em,takesomedeepbreaths.Lookatmeandfollowmylead."Tracey'shandsonmyfacedrawmy
attentionbacktoher,andIfollowthedeepintakesandexhalesofherbreathsuntilthebuzzingsoundis
gone.

"That'sit.Nowtellmewhathappened."Hereyessoftenalongwithhertone,fromurgencytoworry.Ican
alsoseethereliefpassthroughhereyessincesheknowsDamonisokay.

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"Ido-don'tknow.DamonjustsaidKasewasonhiswaytoMercyGeneral.Hedidn'tsayanythingelse.
Hejusthu-hungup."I'mtremblingwithfearandanxiety.Apanicattackbackontherisefrommynear
plummetjustsecondsago,whenTraceypulledmeout.

"Ember."Traceysnapsherfingersinfrontofmyface.She'sstillkneelinginfrontofme."Focus.Kayson.
MercyGeneral.Let'sgo.I'lldriveyou."

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CHAPTERFORTY

KAYSON

Iwinceslightlyasthenurseappliesthelaststitchthenantibacterialointmentbeforebandagingupthe
area.

Iwouldn'tevenletthemnumbthestabwoundbeforetheytreatedit.BeingarecoveringaddictI'm
cautiousofeverythingIputonorintomybody.Whetheritbealocalanestheticorpainmedication,which
Iwon'tbetaking.

ThenursesjustlookedatmelikeIwasnutswhenIinformedthemofthatlittletidbit,buttheydon'tknow
myhistorysoIglaredatthemuntiltheygaveinandletmebe.I'mprettysuretheydidn'twanttopissme
offevenmoresinceIthreatenedtowalkout.

I'malreadypissedenoughasitisforbeingforcedintogettingatetanusshot.Itriedtotalkthenursesout
ofgivingthattome,too,buttheywouldn'tbudge.Theyremindedmethattherustedswitchbladethat
fuckerknifedmewithcouldberiddledwithbacteria.SoIconceded.

Butthepills.Nofuckingway.Beingcleanfortwoyearsortwodaysdoesn'tmatter.Prescribedornot.I'm
notputtingthatshitintomybody.

Ididn'tevenwanttocomeintothehospital,soallthisinterrogationandforcedbullshitjustpissesmeoff
evenmore.IjustwantedPaxtontostitchmeuphimself.ButDamonputanendtothatreallyfuckingquick.
Lecturingmeonproceduresandshitthathavetobefollowed.IrolledmyeyesathimandhadPaxton
drivemetothehospital.

I'mbroughtbacktothepresentwhenabitingpainsetsinasNurseBarbarawipestheexcessointment
fromaroundthebandage.Shegivesmeasmallsmileassheremoveshergloves.

I'lljusthavetosuckitupandlivewiththediscomfortforafewdayswhilethewoundisstillfresh.It's
nothingreally,whenIthinkabouttheshitI'veputmyselfthroughinthepast.Alittlepainisnothing
comparedtowhatcouldhavehappenedtodayanyway.SoI'mthankfultoberemindedbythepainthatI'm
stillalive.Thatcrazymotherfuckercouldhavecausedalotmoredamageifwedidn'tgethimrestrained.
Andifhestabbedmejustaninchlowerintomykidney.

"You'reallset,hon.Letmegetyourdischargepapersandyoucangetonyourway,"NurseBarbara
speaksup.Pullingmefrommythoughtsyetagain.

IgiveheranodrightbeforesheleavestheroomandignorethepainthathitsmysidewhenIshiftonthe
too-smallhospitalbed.

WhenIgetsettledIhearachokedbacksobtomyrightandturnmyheadtoseeEmberstandingstock-still
inthedoorwayoftheexamroom.Atremblinghandcoveringhermouth.

Ishouldn'tbesurprisedtoseeherhere,butIam.Damonmusthavecalledher,andknowingshecame
rightoverwarmsthecoldheartinmyfuckingchest.

"Baby..."Myraspedendearmentsnapsheroutofhershockandhashermovingacrossthetiledflooras
fastasherfeetwillcarryher.

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Shestartsramblingfromherfirststep."Kayson...OhGod.Damoncalledmeandtoldmetherewasan
accident.Buthecouldn'ttalklongenoughtoexplainwhathappened.SoIgotinmycarandgothereas
soonasIcould.Thenthefrontdesktriedtokeepmefromcomingbackhere,butItoldthemnothingwas
keepingmefromyousotheybetterletmebackorI'dberaininghellonthem.Whentheysawhowserious
Iwastheydecidedtoletmecomeback,soIwouldn'tmakemoreofascene.PlusNurseTinsley
recognizedmefromwhenIwashere.Shetoldmeyouwerestableasshewalkedmebackhere.ButIwas
terrifiedanyway.OhmyGod,are-areyouokay?"Shefinallytakesabreathandithitchesoverher
question.

I'mholdingbackmyamusementatherrambling,butitquicklyevaporatesasIseeateardropfromher
longblacklashes."Baby,I'mokay.ShhI'mokay,baby."AssoonasIspeakthedambreaksandhertears
startfalling.

She'sfulloutcryingnowasIbringmyrightarmuptopullherintomyuninjuredside.Hercool,wettears
hitmywarmbarechestwhensheleansintome.Iplacemyhandbehindherheadandrunitoverherlong
hairanddownherback.Tryingtosootheher.

"Iwasterrified,"shemumblesoutbetweenhertearsandmychest.

"Iknow.I'msorry.ButI'mokay.Ipromise,"Ihushoutagainstthetopofherhead.Myhandstillrubbing
downherback.

SheshiftsslightlyandIloosenmyholdsoshecanliftherhead.Herbodyisstillleanedintomyside,but
nowshe'slookingrightintomyeyes.Thedeeppoolsofchocolatebrownarebloodshotandswimmingin
tears.

ButIstillgetlostinthem.

"WhenDamondidn'ttellmeanythingelseallIcouldthinkwastheworst.ButIprayedyouwereokay
becauseIcan'tloseyou.NotnowafterIjustgotyouback.Ineedyou,Kayson.Afteralloftheseyears
withoutyou,noneofitmattersanymorebecauseIneedyou.I'vealwaysneededyou."Sheendsonasob
andleansherheadbackintomeagainasshewrapsherarmsaroundmyneck.

Iholdherasshecries.Gettingcaughtupinthefeelofherbeautifulbodyagainstmine.Gettinglostinmy
thoughts.ThinkingaboutmyconversationwithCassandraandmullingoverallIhadplannedfornext
week.

ButIcan'twaitanymore.

Notaftertoday.

Notwhenourtimetogethercouldhavebeencutshortyetagain.

"Ican'twaitanymore,Ember."Shelooksupatme,confused,whenIusehername.Herwideeyespeering
upatme.

Hernervesarepalpable.

She'strembling.

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"Iwasgoingtowait,butaftertoday,Ican'twaitanylonger."

"Wha-what,ummm,"shestuttersthenstopstoclearherthroatbeforecontinuing."Whatdoyoumean?You
can'twaitforwhat?"

Herchinisquivering,causingherfullbottomliptotremble.Herbeautifulbodyismotionless.Fearand
uneaseshinethroughherexpressiveeyes.Eyesthathavealwaysgivenheraway,eyesI'vealwaysbeen
abletoread.EyesI'vealwayslovedtogetlostin.

HereyeswideninshockasIshiftonthehospitalbed.Shecatchessightofmybandagedleftside,left
visiblefrommybaretorso,andgoestocommentbutIcutheroffwhenIdropmybootedfeettothetiled
floor.

"Kayson,whatareyoudoing?You'regoingtohurtyourself,"shefinallyspeaksupasshebringsatender
handjustoutofreachofmyside.

Ilookatherbeautifulfacethat'sevenwithminewhensheliftshereyesbacktome.She'ssotinythateven
withmesittingwe'renotquiteateyelevel.

Ican'thelpbutchuckleatherworryformeasIgraspherhipsandtughergentlybetweenmylegs.
Nuzzlingintoherneck,I'mmindfulofmystitchedwoundasIinhalehersweetscentthenlayakisswhere
herneckandshouldermeet,beforepullingawaytolookintohereyesagain.

"Ican'twaitanylongertodothis."

EMBER

Ican'twaitanylongertodothis.

Whatdoeshemeanbythat?

"Whatdoyoumean?"Iaskagainbecausehedidn'tanswerme.Again.Notreallyanyway.

Hekeepslookingatme.Hiseyesscanmyface.Takingineveryfeature.Asifhe'scatalogingthemtostore
tomemory.Theysettleonmyeyesandhelooksrightatme.

No.

Rightintome.

Intomyheart,intomysoul.

"Iloveyou,"hesayssoftly,gently,asifhedoesn'twanttobreakthismoment."Youknowthat,right?That
Iloveyou.Fiercely.Completely.ThatI'minlovewithyou.Witheverypartofyou."

"Iknow,"Ireplyjustassoftly."Iloveyou,too,Kayson.I'minlovewithyou,too.Everypartofyouwith
everypartofme."

Heoffersmeatimidsmilebeforeleaningforwardandplacingthebarestofkissesagainstmyparted
lips.Heleansaway.

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Hestillhasn'tansweredme.

Heliftshisarmscarefullyandframesmyfaceinhisbighands.HoldingmeasifI'mtheinjuredone.

"It'syou,baby.It'salwaysbeenyou."

I'msoconfusedbecausestillhewon'tanswerme.

Butthen,exhalingadeepbreath,heletsgoofmyfaceandlowershishandstomyhipstogentlypushme
backfrombetweenhislegs.OnceI'mmovedbackafewstepshegingerlyslideshimselffromthesideof
thehospitalbedandgetsdownononeknee.

OhmyGod.

Hetakesadeepbreathandreleasesit.Thenlooksupatme.Nervousgrayeyesstarebackatmytear-
filledbrownones.

"ItwasyouwhenIwasseventeenandmakinglovetoyouforthefirsttime.Itwasyoufouryearsago
whenIletmydemonsconsumemeandtearusapart.AnditwasstillyouwhenIwokeupafteralmost
lettingthosedemonstakemefromthisworldtwoyearsago."

Islammyeyesshutwhenthatterriblememoryandthoseyearsapartstarttoruinthisbeautifulmoment.A
large,warmhandonmywetcheekhasmeopeningmyeyesagain.Ididn'tevenrealizethetearsIwas
fightingbackwerefallingdownmycheeks.

"ItwasyouforthelasttwoyearswhenIwasgettingcleanandmakingmyselfintoamoreworthymanfor
you.ItwasyouthatdaythreemonthsagowhenIwalkedintothathospitalroomandbackintoyourlife.
Forgood.Andit'syoutoday,standinghereinfrontofme.It'syou,Ember,it'salwaysbeenyou.Everyday
I'veknownyou.Whethertogetherorapart."

I'mtremblingsohardmyhandsareshaking.I'mstrugglingtokeepittogetherbecauseohmyGodthese
words.TheyareeverythingI'veeverwantedtohear.

"Ican'timaginespendinganotherminute,hell,anothersecond,withoutyou.Bymyside,inmybed,inmy
life.Everywhereforeverything.IneedandwantandcraveyoujustasfiercelytodayasIdidallthose
yearsago,andIknowitwillbejustasstrongmanyyearsdowntheroad."

Ihiccupthroughasobashebringshishandsbacktomyfaceanduseshisthumbstowipeawaymyfalling
tears.

"Iknowthismayseemsuddenortoosoon.ButIcan'tfuckingwaitanymore.Youaremylove,mylife,my
everything,andthereisn'tanyoneIwanttosharethislifewith,makemorebabieswith,andgrowoldwith
thanyou,baby.Justyou.Letmemakeyoufeelmylovefortherestofmylife.Ember,willyoumakeme
theluckiestsonofabitchaliveandbecomemywife?"

Withthathepullshishandsaway,thenpullsasmallblackboxfromhispantspocketandopensthelid.

Igaspasthediamondcomesintoview.Asimple,vintageone-caratemerald-shaped,cushion-cut
diamond,setinahaloofpavédiamondsshinesupatme.Butnothingshinesbrighterthanhissmileand
thetearsglazingoverhiseyes.

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WhenIjustkeepstaring,KaysonstartstolooknervousandIsnapoutofmyreverie.

"OhmyGod,areyouserious?"Thetearswon'tstop,butneitherwillmysmile.

"Very,baby.Marryme,"hedemandsasheslidestheperfectlyfittedbandontomyleftringfinger.

"You'redemandingImarryyounow?"Iquirkabrowandgigglethroughmytearsathiscavemanways.

"Well,askingyoudidn'tworkthefirsttime.NowI'mtellingyou."Helooksdirectlyintomyeyesashe
stillkneelsonthefloor."You'remine.Youalwayshavebeen,baby.Always.Somarryme.Let'skeep
fallingdeeper.Together.Justlikewehavebeensincedayone."

AndwiththatfinalstatementIfalltothefloorrightintotheopenarmsoftheonlymanI'veeverloved.
Givinghimaresoundingyeswithoutusinganywordsatall.

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CHAPTERFORTY-ONE

-August-

EMBER

IcatchsightofthebrilliantengagementringadorningmyleftringfingerinthemirrorasIrunmyhandsup
thebodiceofmydress.Istillcan'tbelieveit.Istillcan'tbelievethatKaysonandIareengagedand
planningawedding.Ican'tbelievehowfarwe'vecome.

AsmallsmileliftsmylipswhenIthinkbacktothatdayinthehospitalroom,afterheproposed,whenhe
wantedtodragmetothecourthousetogetmarriedrightthen.Stabwoundbedamned.

IlookedintoKayson'sdeepgrayeyes,kissedhimsilly,thentoldhimhowMommawouldhavehisassif
hedidn'tletherplanevenasmallwedding.Herelented,butundertheconditionthatwe'dmarrybefore
theendofthesummer,whichgaveuslessthantwomonths.Itoldhimhewascrazy,hetoldmehewas
justcrazyaboutme,butMommasaiditcouldbedone.

Anditis.

BecauserightnowI'matmylastdressfittingandinjusttwodayswillbecomeMrs.KaysonWilliams.

Ireallycan'tbelieveit.

I'mbroughtoutofmythoughtswhenMomma'svoicebreaksthroughthesmallspaceofthedressing
room."Youlookabsolutelybreathtaking,sweetie,"sheraspsoutbetweenherhandsthatarecoveringher
mouth.Hereyesholdingnothingbutloveandaweastheyfillwithtears.

IsnifflebackmyownandreleasethebreathIwasholdingasIlookmyselfoveragaininthemirrorin
frontofme.MyeyescatchhersinthereflectionagainbeforeIreply."Thanks,Momma."Mytoneis
barelyaboveawhisper,asIchokebackontheemotioncloggingtheairsurroundingusinthesmall
space.

"I'msoproudofyou,Ember.Soproud."IspinawayfromthemirrortofaceMommadirectlyatthehitch
inhervoice.Thetearsshewasholdingbackmomentsagonowcascadingdownhercheeks.

"Youhavebeenthroughsomuchinyouralmosttwenty-oneyears.Somuch."

"Momma—"

"No,babygirl,justletmesaythis.Please."SheusesthetissueIdidn'tnoticeshehadclutchedinher
hand,towipehertearsbeforeshecontinues.

"IalwaysknewyouandKaysonweremeantforeachother.Isawthesparkinyoureyesfromthefirsttime
youspokehisname.ThenIwatchedyoufall.Notonlyheadoverheelsforthatboy,butIwatchedyoufall
intohisdarknessaswell.Howallofhishurtsandpainsconsumedyoujustastheyconsumedhim."

Shesnifflesbackmoreofhertearsandtakesadeepbreathbeforeshecontinues."Itriedtobetherefor
you.Itriedtoguideyouthroughitallwhilelettingyouliveyourlife.ButIoftenwonderifImadea

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mistake,ifIwaswrongtonotstandmygroundmore,ifIwassomehowtoblameforwhat—”

Icutheroffinstantly."No,Momma.Neverblameyourself."Igraspherhandtightlyinmine."Nomatter
what,backthenIwouldhavefollowedhimthroughhellandback.Itwouldn'thavedoneanygood
whetheryoutriedtostopmeornot."

"Iknowthatnow,Ireallydo,butitdoesn'tstopmefromwonderingifIcouldhavedonemoretohelp
shelteryoufromallthatpain."

IshakemyheadatherbecauseIknowinmyheartofheartsthatnomatterwhat,nothingcouldchangemy
past.

"ButthenyousufferednotonlythelossofKayson,butalsothegreatesttragedyyou'lleverknow.Theloss
ofyourchild."Sheoffersasmall,sadsmilethroughhertearsandminefinallyfallatthementionoflosing
mysweetlittleboy.

"Butaftereverything.Aftersufferingyourfirstbrokenheart.AfterdrowninginthegriefoflosingKJ.You
survived,sweetheart.YousurvivedandperseveredandgrewintosuchabeautifullystrongwomanthatI
amcompletelyinaweofyou.Foryourcourage,foryourstrength,andforyouroutlookonlifedespiteit
all."

Mommaembracesmeinhercomfortingarmsaseverythingcomescrashingoverme.Thepain,thegrief,
andthenthelove.Becauseafterallissaidanddone,thelovehasalwaysbeenthere.

Whenshepullsbackshewipesthetearsfrommycheeks,thenplacesakisstoeachone."Andnowlookat
you.Planningforyourhappilyeverafter."

Hersmileisradiantnowandsoismine.

Myhappilyeverafter.

"Areyoualmostdoneinthereorwhat,Em?I'mabouttobustdownthatdoorRambo-styleifyoudon't
comeouthere."Sambreaksintothemoment,causingMommaandmetochuckle.

"Webettergetouttheresowedon'towethebridalsalonanewdoor."Mommawinksasshewhispers
beforeopeningthedoortoletusout.KnowingdamnwellhowseriousSamis.

WhenIstepoutofthedressingroomintotheexpansivebridalboutique,IgaspoutloudasItakeinmy
threeverybestfriendsintheirbridesmaiddresses.Matchingpalepink,straplesschiffondresseshitting
thematthekneeswithasweetheartnecklineexposingjustenoughskin.Thecolorcomplimentingeachof
theirskintones.Thestylecomplimentingeachoftheirfigures.Theyalllookabsolutelystunning.

Sam,Amber,andTraceyareallhuddledtogether,rightoutsidethedressingroomdoorawaitingmy
appearance.Theyallstandthere,handinhand,astearsfilltheireyesatseeingmeinmyweddingdress.

AssoonasIputitonlastmonthIknew,withoutashadowofadoubt,thiswastheone.ThedressI'dbe
wearingthedayIsayIdototheloveofmylife.It'saswhiteassnow,withasweetheartneckline,anda
beadedbodicethatflaresatthehips,whichcomplimentsmycurvyfigure.

"Holycraponacracker,"AmberblurtsoutasTraceysilentlyletshertearsfallandSam'smouthopens
andcloseslikeafishoutofwater.SeemsIleftherspeechless,whichneverhappens.

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"Youlookstunningandsexyashell.Kaysonisnotgoingtoknowwhathithimwhenyouwalkdownthat
aisle."Traceyfinallycomposesherselfenoughtosay.

IofferupasmallsmileasIwalkovertothesmallpedestalinfrontofthefloor-to-ceilingmirror."You
reallythinkso?"

"Hell,yeah,wethinkso,babe.Haveyouseenyourselfinthisdress?Kaysonisgoingtoabsolutelyflip
hisshitwhenhelayseyesonyou.He'sprobablygoingtohaulyourassoverhisshoulderwhenherealizes
heisn'ttheonlyonelookingatyou.Thecrazysonofbitchthatheis."SeemsSamfoundhervoiceafter
all,assherattleson,notbotheringtocensorherself.

Ilaughatherantics.

"What?I'mcompletelyserious."Sheactuallylooksaffronted,untilagiggleburstsfree.

"IhavetoagreewithSamonthisone,honey.Kaysonisgoingtogocrazy,Ijustknowit."Momma
interjects.

TraceyandAmbernodtheirheadsinagreement.

"Ihopeso."

"Well,weknowso."IseeSamnodadamantlyinthereflectionofthemirror.

Ispinfromatopthepedestal,thespotlightshiningoverhead,andlookatthefourmostimportantwomenin
mylife."Thankyou."

"Oh,girl,whatfor?"Amberasks.

"Foreverything.Foralwaysbeingthereforme.Foralwaysbelievinginme.Forlovingme
unconditionallyevenwhenIdidn'tlovemyself.Foralwayssupportingme,nomatterwhat.Youfourand
allofyourloveandguidancethroughmylifehaveledmetothismoment,righthere,andIcouldn'tbe
morethankful.Becauserighthere—thislife—iswhereI'vealwayswantedtobe."

AssoonasIgetthelastwordout,Mommaandthegirlsstepforwardandweallembraceinagrouphug,
fulloflaughsandtearsand,mostimportantly,love.

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CHAPTERFORTY-TWO

KAYSON

"Younervous,dude?"Damonasksthroughachuckleasheslapsahandtomyshoulder.Bastardknows
damnwellhownervousIam.

Ididn'tsleepforshitlastnightaftertherehearsaldinner.Itossedandturned,missingEmber'ssweetbody
wrappedaroundmeallnight.Thenfinallyat4:00a.m.Idecidedenoughwase-fucking-noughand
draggedDamon'sassupwithme.Wesparredforacoupleofhoursdownatthegymatthestation,tokill
sometime.It'snowaboutsunset,almosttimefortheceremony,andI'mfuckingreadytomakemygirlmy
wife.

ItriedtodemandthatEmberstaywithme.ShetoldmeIwasdamncrazy.Sowhenthatdidn'tworkI
actuallyfuckingbegged.Butshestillheldhergroundasshethrewhersassaround,tellingmeitwas
traditionorsomeshit.Butthatsassofhersonlyservedtojackmydickevenharder,whichinturnmadeit
thatmuchmoredifficulttoletherleavewithhergirlslastnight.

Iknewthiswasimportanttoher,soIlethergetherway,soonagroanIkissedthehelloutofher,making
suresherememberedwhoshebelongedto,slappedherass,andsentheronherway.

AbitextremeIknow,especiallyconsideringI'mmarryingherinlessthanfifteenminutes.Butlettingher
golastnight,spendingourfirstnightapartsincewegotbacktogether,createdanacheinmychestIhadn't
feltinalongdamntime.SomethingIneverwanttofeelagain.

SodamnstraightI'mfuckingnervous,butonlybecauseIcannotwaittoseemygirl.Icanonlyimagine
whatshe'sgoingtolooklikedressedinwhite,hairandmakeupdoneup,walkingtowardme,andfuck,
makinghermine.

AsIbegintoanswerDamon,theofficiantwalksintotheroomandtellsus,"It'stime."

Withanodthroughahardswallow,IlookovertoDamon.HenodshisencouragementandIleadhimout
tothetentonthebeach.ItakemyplaceatthealtarinfrontofourguestsandDamonstandsnexttome.I
lookoverthecrowdofaboutthirtypeoplesittingamongstthewhitelinenchairsandrealizethatwhatI
firstthoughttobeasmallguestlistseemsalotlargerwhenyou'restandinginfrontofit.

ItakeadeepbreathandtrytocalmmynervesandexcitementasItakeineverythingCassandra,Sam,
Tracey,andAmberdidtomakethisweddingeverythingEmbereverwanted.Smallwhitelightshangfrom
thecanopyceilingofthetent.Palepinkbowsaretiedtotheendofeveryotherrowofchairs.Pinkand
whiteflowerpetalslitterthewhiteaisleinbetween.Thecrashofthewavesontheshoresoundsbehind
me.

Thenjustoutsideofthetent,whereEmberwillbecomingfrom,Icanseethebarnlitupfrommorewhite
lightsthatEmberloves,alongwiththeflickerofcandlesmixedthroughoutthespace.

AssoonasItoldhershehadonlyacoupleofmonthstoplan,shetoldmesheknewexactlywhereshe
wantedtheceremonyandreception.Sincewe'rebothnotreligiousshethoughttheoldBakerfarmhouse
thatsitsalongthebeachwouldbetheperfectplace.Icouldn'tagreewithhermore.Justasthechatter
amongstthecrowddiesdownandthesofteveningmusiccomestoanend,Iswallowharshly,knowingthe

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timeisalmosthere.

"Kase,man,calmdown.You'vegotthis.Idon'tknowwhyshechoseyou,butshedid."Ielbowthefucker
beforehecancontinue,tryingtokeepitdownwhenIreallywanttoturnaroundandlayintohim.

"Dude,wouldyouchillandletmefinish?"hewhispersharshly,asIseefromthecornerofmyeyehe's
rubbinghisribswheremyelbowmadecontact.

Servesthefuckerright.

"AsIwassaying.Shechoseyou,Kase.Aftereverything,shechoseyou.Socalmthehelldownand
rememberthat.Shechoseyou."

He'sright.Shedidchooseme.Shechoseme.Idon'tknowwhatIdidinthislifetoeverdeserveher,but
noneofthatfuckingmatters.Becauserightnow,infrontofallthesepeople,I'mabouttobecomethe
happiestfuckingmantowalkthisearth.

Assoonasthatthoughtfiltersthroughmymind,IseeSam,Tracey,andAmberlineupattheopeningofthe
tentandthemusiccueupastheywalkonebyonedowntheaisle.

WhenAmbertakesthelastplacebehindTracey,theguestsstandandalltheairgetsknockedfrommy
lungs.

Sheisabsolutelyfuckingexquisite.

There,atthebeginningoftheaisle,ismygirl,myentirefuckinglife.Thesettingsuncastingaglow
aroundher,makingherlookliketheangelsheis.

Damonisright,shechoseme.Ineedtofuckoffabouttherest.

AsIwatchmygirlwalkdowntheaisletowardme,withhermotherbyherside,therestoftheroomfades
awayandallIcanseeisher.Theswayofherhips.Theradiantsmilesplittingherpinklips.Thesilent,
happytearsthattrackdownherbeautifulface.Itakeherallin,takeadeepbreath,andknowwithallmy
heartthatI'mrightwhereI'msupposedtobe.Marryingtheloveofmylifeandmakinghermineinevery
way.

Andwitheachstepshetakes,justlikethefirsttimeIlaidmyeyesonher,I'mfallingdeeperthanIever
thoughtpossible.

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EPILOGUE

DAMON

Iscanthereceptionhall;bypassingthewaitressIsecuredtotakehome,andzeroinontheonegirlI'll
neverbeworthyofhaving.Inmybedoroutofit.

TraceyisstandingwithEmberandKaysonattheirheadtable.She'stalkingandlaughingwithEmberas
Kaysonlookson.Nevertakinghiseyesorhandsoffofhiswife.

Shit.Hiswife.

IcanhonestlysayIneverthoughtI'dseethedaywhenthey'dfinallyworkitalloutandtietheknot.But
morethananyonetheydeserveit,andIcouldn'tbehappierforthem.

I'mbroughtoutofmythoughtsasafamiliarcackleoflaughterringslikemusicthroughtheair.

MyeyeszoneinonTraceyagain.

Emberislaughingwithher,butIdon'tnotice.AllIseeisTracey,myAce,flushedwithjoyandhappiness.
Laughingwithherbestfriendandactuallyenjoyingherself.LettingherselfshineasbrightasIknowshe
can.

Shehasherheadthrownback,revealingherslenderneck.Heralmostwaist-long,lightbrownhair
cascadesinwavesdownherbarebackandswaysasshelaughs.Drawingattentiontohervoluptuous,
roundass.

Fuckisshebeautiful.

KaysoncatchesmyeyeandliftshischinwhenheseesmestartingtolosecontrolasIwatchAce.Helays
adeepkissonEmber,causingAcetoblushattheirdisplay,beforemakinghiswayovertome.

IleanbackagainstthebarandpickupmylongneckasIwatchhimcrossthedancefloor.Squeezingpasta
slightlymorethanbuzzedSam,who'sbreakdancinginthecenter.

Iliftthebeertomylipsandletthecoldbrewsettlethroughmyveinsandreininmygrowingerection.
JustthesightofAceinherdress,alongwithherlaughterringingthroughtheair,isenoughtohavemydick
bustingthroughmyslacksinanefforttogettoher.

IshiftslightlyandwillmyerectionawayasKasestepsuptothebarandasksforabottleofwater.

Oncethebartenderhandsittohim,heliftsittohislipsandeyesmewithaknowinglook.

"Whydon'tyouaskhertodance,man?Shedidn'tcomewithanyone."Thefuckersmirksashesetsthe
bottledown.Tauntingme.KnowingalltoowellwhoIcan'tkeepmyeyesoffof.

"Fuckyou,bro."Itossbackathim.Glaringathissmugass.Itmaybehisweddingday,butI'mnotafraid
tolayhisassout.

AndIknowAcedidn'tcomewithanyone.I'vebeeneyeingeverydouchebagthatgotwithinatwenty-foot
radiusofhertomakesurenoneofthemwereherdate.

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Althoughshecamealonetonight,itstillhasn'tbeeneasywatchinghergorgeousbodyallnight,encasedin
thattight,palepink,straplessdressshehason.Ithasn’tbeeneasywatchingeveryothersingleasshole
that'sherefollowhereverymoveeither.Staffandguestsalike.

IknowI'mnotgoodenoughforher.AndIalsoknownooneelseiseither.She'stoogood,toopure,and
beautifultobetaintedbyanybody'sbullshit.Especiallymine.SoeventhoughIcan'thaveher,Idon'twant
anyoneelsehavinghereither.

IcatchKaysoneyeingmeagainoutofthecornerofmyeye.JustrealizingthatIturnedmybodytoward
Aceagaintokeepmyeyeonher.

She'sstilltalkingwithEmber,butnowtheyareangledtowardus.Embersharingacoysmilewithher
husbandbesideme.Aceblushingandattemptingtolooklikeshewasn'tlookingatme.

WhenIcatchhereyethistime,Itossherasmirk,flashingbothmydimples,andwatchherblushdeepen
asasmallsmileliftsherlips.Ishakemyheadandgroan.

Thoselips.

WhatIwouldn'tgiveforjustonetaste.

"Fuck,man,you'vegotitbad."Kaysoninterruptsmythoughts.

Iswingmygazehiswaytofindhe'sstaringatme.

"Cuttheshit,Dame.Iseethewayyoulookather.Hell,weallseethewayyoulookather.Whydon'tyou
makeyourmovewithTracey?"Hethrowshishanduptostopmyinterruptionthatheseescomingand
continues."I'mnotsayingtodothestandard'DameandDash'withher.I'msayingwhydon'tyouactually
trywithTracey.She'sagoodgirl.Smart,pretty,andloyaltoafault."

Idowntherestofmybeerandpushawayfromthebar.Tryingtoignorethefirethatburnsthroughmy
veinsandthedemonsroaringinmyheadwhenKasebringsupAceandrelationshipinthesamesentence.

He'llneverunderstandmyneedtokeepmydistancefromAce.He'llneverunderstandwhyIstickto
randomone-nightstandslikeit'smyreligion.Evenwithallthedarknessheharborsfromhispast,that
darknesspalesincomparisontothebullshitthatplaguesmythoughts.Theterrorsthathauntme.Dayand
night.

"Listen.Ididn'tmeddleinyourshitwithEmberunlessyouasked.I'dappreciateitifyouofferedmethe
samefuckingcourtesy."ItakeadeepbreathbeforeIexplodeonmybestfriend."It'syourweddingnight.
Sowhydon'tyouleavemethefuckaloneandgofindyourwife.Unlessyou'dratherspendyourtimewith
me,bigboy?"Iattempttolightenthemoodandshiftgears.Itworks.

Kaysonsnortsatmyjokethenshovesmyshoulderashelaughs.Ishakemyheadandjoinhim.Masking
myangerandpainwithlaughterandcharmlikeIalwaysdo.

WiththatIturnawayfromKaysonandthesmiledropsfrommyface.Iignorethefeelingofbrowneyes
staringintothesideofmyheadasIwalkthroughthedancefloortoEmberandAcestillstandingbythe
table.IstoptodropacongratulatorykisstoEmber'scheekasKayson'sarmswraparoundherfrom
behind.

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IignoreAcetheentiretime,andasIwalkawayIfeelthesadnessrollingoffofherinwaves.Pushingit
frommymind,IkeepwalkingandtrytofocusonthenumbnessI'llfeelwhenIburymyselfdeepintothe
redheadthat'swaitingforme.

Iknowit'saBand-AidfortheheartacheIfeelwheneverIwalkawayfromAce.IknowthatassoonI
wakeupinthemorningtheemptiness,theself-loathing,andthedisgustwillconsumemeyetagain.
Becauseitalwaysdoes.Yet,Irepeatthecycleonalooptokeepthedemonsatbay.Tokeepfromgiving
inandallowingmyeviltodrownhergoodness.

ButasIkeepwalkingawayfrommyfirstandonlyloveIknow,evenafterI'vehadmyfilltonight,that
AcewillstillinfiltratemymindassoonasIwakeup.IknowthatjustlikeeveryothertimeI'vetriedover
theyearstowashAcefrommymindit'llneverwork.

Iknowthatnoneofitmatters.

BecausejustlikethefirsttimeIsawheratnineyearsold,I'mstillfalling.

TheEnd

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Playlist

“MakeYouFeelMyLove”–Glee

“ComeWakeMeUp”–RascalFlatts

“Easy”–RascalFlatts(feat.NatashaBedingfield)

“HereComesGoodbye”–RascalFlatts

“Love”–JanaKramer

“ALittleBitStronger”–SaraEvans

“BetterThanYouLeftMe”–MickeyGuyton

“BurningHouse”–Cam

“Ride”–ChaseRice(feat.MacyMaloy)

“WhiskeyandYou”–ChrisStapleton

“WhiskeyOnMyBreath”–LoveandTheft

“HopeYouFoundItNow”–JasonWalker

“SaySomething”–AGreatBigWorld(feat.ChristinaAguilera)

“LightningInABottle”–LucyAngel

“I’dBeLyin’”–LucyAngel

“ICan’tNotLoveYou”–EveryAvenue

“HellOnMyHeart”–AThousandHorses

“Why”–JasonAldean

“LikeI’mGonnaLoseYou”–MeghanTrainor(feat.JohnLegend)

“WorthIt”–FifthHarmony(feat.KidInk)

“LikeIFeelIt”–LoveandTheft

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Acknowledgements

Totheloveofmylife,mynumberone.Itisn'talwayseasy,butnothingworthhavingeveris.Iwouldn't
wanttoridethiscrazyjourneycalledlifewithanyoneelsebymyside.Iloveyou.Theforeverand
alwayskind.Love<3

Tomyfamily.Youmaynotknowaboutthesewordsinthisbook,butthankyou.Becauseyourlovealways
pushesmeon.Always.

Megan,myfabulouseditor,withWildRoseEditing.Thankyoufortakingmeonlastminuteandfor
workingyourmagic.Thankyouforyouradvice,suggestions,andencouragement.Andthankyoufor
helpingmakemydreambecomeareality.Youmademywordsandthisstoryshine!Ihopethisisthefirst
bookofmany,andIlookforwardtocontinuingthisjourneywithyou.XO

Ace,myrighthand,myextremebeta,myunofficialPA,mygirl.Thisbookwouldnotbewhatitiswithout
you.AndI'mnotevenjoking.Allthelatenightandearlymorningdiscussions.Yourinput,advice,and
encouragement.Talkingmeofftheledge.Beingmyshouldertocryon.Youpouredyourselfintothisbook
justasmuchasIdid.Youknowthewordsinsideandout,maybeevenbetterthanme!Iamforever
thankfulforwordsoftheindieworldbringingustogether,becauseyouarebyfaroneofthebestfriendsa
girlcouldeveraskfor.Iamforevergratefulforyoursupportandbeliefinme,butmostimportantly,I
thankyouforyourfriendship.Youaretheheartandsoulofthesewordsbecause,withoutyou,this
wouldn'thavebeenpossible.Iloveyoubiggest.<3

Bombshell,whatcanIsay?You'remyinspiration,thebackboneofthisstory.Yourstrength,courage,and
resilienceiswhyIputthesewordstogetheranddecidedtowriteabook.Yougavemethestrengthtodo
this.YoukickedmyassandpushedmehardwhenIneededit,whenthisbookneededit.Youmademy
wordsshinebrighterwithyourepicreadingskills.Andbestofall,youlovedandlaughedwithmeall
alongtheway.Youjustgetme—crazyandall.Iabsolutelyadoreyou.Thankyouforbelievinginme.
Thankyouforsupportingme.Thankyouforbeingyou,becauseyouisfuckingamazing.Yougivemehope
inthismadworld.Fucktheoceans.Soulmatesandsistersfromothermisters.Iloveyou.Mostest,baby.
<3

MyCaliforniaDream.TheSamtomyHunt.Yourbeingproudofme,yourconstantreassurance,andyour
constantbeliefinmemeansmorethanwordscouldeverdescribe.Ever.Youaskedtherightquestions
whenIfirststarted.Youhadmethinkingdeeperandhardertomakeeachwordbetterthanthelast.Your
prideinmemakesmyheartsoar.Sothankyou!Forbelievinginme,forlovingme,andforbeingmy
bestest.Youmakemebetter.You'remykindofcrazy!Fucktheland.Iloveyou,BIGMANIES.<3

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CC,youhaveoneofthebiggestheartsandsweetestsoulsI'veeverknown.Youalwaysliftmeupandput
asmileonmyfacewithyoursassandjokes.Thisrollercoasterridehasn'tbeeneasy,buthavingyouby
mysideisoneofthebrightestspotsofthisjourney.Youkeepmelaughingandguessing,babe.Ican
alwayscountonyou!Yourencouragementformetogoforthandwritecarriesthesewordson.Thankyou!
Iloveyou.Staysassy,myfriend,andkeepdishingoutthebadgeringbecausewebothknowIneedit.<3

LB,youkickedthisbook’sass!Thankyou!Youscouredeachpage,eachdetail,andeachword.Yougave
ideasandfeedbackwhenIneededitmost.Youdroppedeverythinginamoment’snoticetoreadthrougha
sceneorchaptertotalkmedownandreassuremeIcoulddothis.Youencouragedme,yousupportedme,
youhelpedme.Youmademeandthisbookbetterwithyourhonestyandinsight.You'llneverknowhow
muchthatmeanstome.Orhowmuchyoumeantome.Iloveyou,lovebug!

Jersey!Girl,whatwouldIdowithoutyou?Thelaughs,thetears,thelove.We'veshareditallandmore.
Ourfriendshipmeansmorethanyoucouldeverknow.Iloveourchatsaboutbooksandhotties;)You
supportme,youpushme,youhelpme.Andforallofthat,Iloveyousohard.<3

Rach,yousparkedmydrivetogetthesewordsdown.Youtoldmethatonedaytheywouldcometome
andwhentheydid,towrite.Youbelievedinmefromthestart—evenbeforeonewordwaspenned.Thank
youforthat.Thankyouforthesupport,forbeingthereforme,andforbelievinginmydream.You'reone
ofmytruestanddearestfriends,andIloveyoucompletely.

Chlo,Icouldneverthankyouenoughforyourenthusiasmformywords.OrforKayson;)Itmeltsmyheart
thatyoulovethisbook,andhim,asmuchasyoudo.Evenmorethanthatthoughisyoursupportandlove
forme,notjustasanauthor,butasafriend,too.YouencouragedmeandbroughtmebackupwhenIwas
down.YoumademebelieveinmyselfwhenIdidn'tthinkIhaditinme.Yougaveadvicetoliveby,andI
thinkaboutiteveryday.I'msothankfulthatthewordsofyourbookbroughtustogetherbecauseyouhave
becomeoneofmygreatestfriends,distancebedamned.Iloveyou,chickie!Thankyouforeverything!

Tillie,thankyou.Justthankyouforbeingyouandforbelievinginme.Youandyourbooksareoneofthe
biggestreasonswhyIfellinlovewithwords.Whetherreadingorwritingthem.Yougavemeguidance
andsupportinthebeginningwhenIneededitmost.Andyougavememorecouragetofollowmydreams
thanyou'lleverknow.Iloveyoutobits.

Babycakes,Ithankmyluckystarseverydaythatthisindieworldbroughtustogether.ThatIfinallyopened
myeyesandreadyourbooksbecauseyourwordsgavemeyou.Andyou'llneverknowhowthankfulIam
foryourfriendship.Yourbeliefinmeisunwavering,andforthatI'mmorethankfulthanyoucouldever
know.Youradvice,help,andsupportgavethesewordslifewhenIwantedtoscrapitall.Youtalkedme
downmoretimesthanIcancountandmademebelieveinmyselfalloveragain.Yourinsighthelpedme
growasanauthorandasaperson.Butmorethanallofthat,youjustgetme.Wecanlaughtogetherand
wecancrytogetherandthere'sneveranyjudgment.Justacceptanceandlove.We'recutfromthesame
cloth,sweets.Kindredspirits.Youmeltmyheart.IloveyouMORE,babycakes!#yeswayjose

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EshiaBaby,youmatchmykindofcrazyandIloveit!Youbringmelaughs.Yougivemeencouragement
andbeliefinmyselfandinthesewords.Eachmessageofadviceorencouragementorcritiquehelped
makethisstorybetterthanbefore.Youhelpmeshine.Andyoueventolerateallofmystickers.LOL.Iam
forevergratefultoyouandtohaveyouinmylife.Ourfriendshipmeansmorethanyou'lleverknow.
Thankyouforallyoudoandallyouare.Iloveyou,sugar.

Buttercup,youmakemebelieve.Youliftmeupandyoujustmakemebelievethisisallpossible.Thank
youforthecountlesstalks.Thankyouforunderstandingmewithoutjudgment.Thankyouforsharinginmy
hopesanddreams.Andforthoseamazingteasers!Wesharethesameheart,thesamesoul,thesamespirit.
You'refabulous,andIhopeyouneverdoubtit.Iloveyou.

Crys,youneverdoubtedme.Notonce.EvenwhenIdoubtedmyself.Youbelievedinmefromdayone
whenItoldyouaboutthisbookandyou'llneverknowhowmuchthatmeanstome.Yoursupportand
advicehelpedpushmeforward.Andyourpeptalksholdmetogether.Thankyouforcomingalongonthis
journeywithme.Iloveyou,lady!

Andfinally,toeverysinglepersonwhoreadsthesewords,thankyou.Fromthebottomofmyheart,thank
you.Iappreciateyoutakingachanceonmeandthisstory.KaysonandEmberholdaverydearplacein
myheart,andIhopeyou'lllovethemasdeeplyasIdo.

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AbouttheAuthor

LuciaGraceisanavidreaderandaromanticatheart.Herloveforreadingiswhatsparkedher
determinationtoputpentopaperforherdebutnovel.Whensheisn'tgettinglostbetweenthepagesofher
favoritebooks,shecanbefoundspendingtimewithherfamilyandfurbabies.

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ComingSoon

StillFalling

FallingSeriesBook#2




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