WALKOFSHAME

JENNIFERDAWSON

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PraiseforJenniferDawson

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AlsobyJenniferDawson

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TheWalkofShame

Ah,yes,there’snothingquitelikeshamelesslylettingyourselfbedraggedofftoa
storageclosetbyayoungermantoreallyputthecherryontopofyourhumiliation
sundae.It’sbeenalong,slowtriptothebottom,butI’vefinallyreachedmylimit.After
spendingthenightwithChristopherFellows,andslinkingoutofhisapartmentinthe
weehoursofthemorning,Ihavenochoicebuttotakeaseriouslookatmyself.It’s
timeforachange.Areallifeoverhaul,fullofself-development,healthyliving,andall
thatotherstuffthat’ssupposedtobegoodforyou.

AndwhatbetterwaytofindyourselfthanwithavowofcelibacyandatriptoBelize?
ThewayIfigureit,ifyou’regoingtogetyouracttogether,youmightaswellbeginwith
atropicaljaunttoparadisetostartyourtransformationoffontherightfoot.

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong?

CHAPTERONE

Ashley

hewalkofshame.

Killme.Justputmeoutofmymisery.AllIwantistocrawlintoaholeanddieof

humiliation.

Isquintmycaked,mascaraedeyesatthedawnbreakingacrosstheChicagoskyline

beforediggingmysunglassesfrommybagandslippingthemonasmythroattightens
andmyeyeswell.

Why,Ashley?Why?Why?Why?
Whatiswrongwithme?
Head throbbing, I start down the near deserted street, my high heels hitting the

concreteareminderofmytransgressions.Myonlysavinggraceisthatit’sfivethirty
onaSundaymorning,andtheLakeviewneighborhoodisstillquiet.

Atleastnooneexcepttaxidriversandtheloneexercisefanaticwillbearwitnessto

mywalkinwhat’sobviouslylastnight’slittleblackdressattire.I’mahotmess,withmy
just-fucked hair, ruined makeup and too swollen mouth, but I’ll pretend anyone
passingbyisn’tsmug.

Isigh,longandmournful.Lastnightbeingtheculminationofthegiganticshitstorm

that’stakenovermylifeforthepastsixmonths.

My downward spiral of humiliation began when the love of my life Trevor

Whitmorefellinlovewithadancer.Well,infairnesstohim,itwasn’tlikehecheated
onme,becausewehadn’tevenbeengoingout.ItonlyfeltlikeabetrayalbecauseI’d
beenstupidlyandblindlyinfatuatedwithhimtothepointofobsession.

Whichmakesmesoundlikearealidiot,ashame,consideringI’mplentysmartin

otherareasofmylife.Icomefromagood,lovingfamily,IhavegreatfriendsandI’m
thetoppharmasalesrepinmyregion.

Only,I’venevermadesmartdecisionswhenitcomestomen.

With guys, I always turn into that girl you love to hate. I don’t even know why.

Maybebecausemydadspoiledmetoomuch,ormymomwasoneofthosemomsthat
insisted I was special and perfect. Maybe because in high school, growing up in my
small Central Ohio hometown, I was the head cheerleader, and the absolute shit,
adoredbyeveryone.

I’msureatonepointIwassensibleaboutmen,butTrevorchangedallthatforme.

HewasthefirstboyI’dactuallycoveted.I’dmethimmyjunioryearofcollege,fallenin
lustatfirstsight,andbecomecompletely,obnoxiouslyinfatuatedwithhim.And,likea
lotofgirls,Iconfusedhisdesiretousemeforsex,withlove.Themoredismissivehe
became,theharderItriedtoholdon,andthefartherheslippedaway.

Exceptwhenhewastoolazytogothroughtheprocessofhittingonanothergirlat

thepartywewereat.Thenwe’dcircleeachotherlikepreyingtigersbeforegoinginfor
thekill.

Itneveronceoccurredtometosayno.
MyfriendLaylacalledhimmykryptonite,andshewasexactlyright.Iwascaughtin

a vicious cycle. He’d leave me in the middle of the night, I’d get all strong and
indignant, insisting I wouldn’t let him use me anymore, but then time would pass,
nobodyelsewouldcatchmyinterest,andI’dstarttojonesforhim.I’dseehimatsome
barorparty.He’dlookatmewiththoseblueeyes,givemethatsmile,andlikeanidiot,
I’dsweartonightwouldbethenightI’dmakehimloveme.

This cycle lasted for years—far too many than a girl with a high IQ should ever

admitto—untilthelasttimewehookedup.Aweekafterwe’dbeentogetherhe’dmeta
dancer(akastripper)andhadfalleninstantlyinlove.TheyelopedtoVegasthreeweeks
later. After years of telling me he doesn’t do commitment he married that…
that…womaninamonth!

Yeah,yeah,Iknow.Oldeststoryinthebook.Igetit.I’manidiot.It’smyownstupid

fault.IgotwhatIdeserved.Believeme,nothingyousayisn’tsomethingIhaven’tsaid
tomyself.

Butanyway,let’smoveontohumiliationnumbertwo.
LikeanyproperscornedwomanIseekrevenge,becauseofcourseIneedtomake

him pay. He needs to suffer. Hurt. If the past months have taught me anything it’s
revengedoesn’tleadtotheclearesthead,soIconvenientlyignorethefactthataguy
hastorememberyouexistforyourplottowork.

Aminordetailthathadnoeffectonmybloodthirstyrage.
Naturally, I do the worst thing I can think of. The day after I find out Trevor’s

married,Igethisbestfrienddrunkwiththegoalofseducinghimbecausenothingsays
fuckyoulikesleepingwithyourex’sbestie.Myevilplanworked,butIoverestimated
theamountofalcoholIfedhimandhecan’tgetitup!And,intypicalmalefashion,he

blamesme.Me!

I’m a pretty, long-haired blonde with blue eyes, with 32DDs and a twenty-six inch

waist.He’sanoverweight,unemployedslackerthat’sstartingtobald.

Andhehadthegalltosayitwasmyfault.
Imean,sureIputonagoodshowandrippedhimanewone,butmyself-esteem

canonlytakesomanybeatings.AndwhileIslammedoutofthedoorliketheultimate
diva,I’dfeltrejectedandsmall.I’dneveradmitittoanyonebutIwenthomeandcried
likeababy.

LikeIreallywasn’tprettyenoughtogetaguyoff.
Ifonlythatsorryaffairhadbeenrockbottom,butno,there’shumiliationnumber

three.

Inamadrushtofindtheloveofmylifeasquicklyaspossiblesoeveryonecanstop

feelingsorryformebehind myback,Ijoin match.com and go on a series of dates so
bad I contemplate becoming a lesbian. I mean, I don’t understand it—I’m smart, I
makeoversixfigures,andI’mgoodlooking—butthat’snotgoodenoughonadating
sitewherefivesthinkthey’reentitledtonines.

The whole experience was a horrid exercise in masochism, but the last straw was

whenIwentoutwithaguythatSnapchattedtheentiretimeandbarelyspoketome.
I’m serious, he said less than ten words our entire meal and pushed the check at me
whenthewaitressplaceditonthetable.Whenhepulleduptomybuilding,hetoldme
Iwashotandaskedmetoblowhim.Isaidno.Andhehadthegalltogetallinsulted.
HecalledmeafrigidbitchandwasalreadyopeninghisTinderappbeforeImanagedto
scramblefromthecar.

IshutdownmyaccountbeforeIeventookoffmycoat.
Whichleadsmerightintohumiliationnumberfour’sopenarms.
IdecideIneedaproperrebound,someoneknownIcantrustthatwillhelpmegeta

littlebitofmydignityback.Nocommitment.Nodating.Justfunandsex.Someoneto
get me over the hump of Trevor, so I can get my life back on track. After much
considerationIsettleonaguynamedChadFellows.

Chad was the perfect choice for a hookup. He was new to my extended group of

friends. He’s tall, successful, and unbelievably gorgeous. He’s the rare guy that’s nice
and respectful but somehow manages to still have enough sex appeal to send girls
swooning.Heactuallyseemstolikewomen.

But best of all he had potential to be something permanent. He was one hundred

percentboyfriendmaterial.Asabonus,becauseourcoregroupsoffriendsdidn’thave
tonsofoverlapexceptforpartiesandweddings,ifthingswentsouth,I’donlyseehim
occasionally.ThewayIfigureditworst-casescenariowehadagoodtimeinbed.Best-
casescenariowegotmarried.

Awin/win,right?Wrong.
Heflatoutrejectedme.What’sworse,hegavemesomesadlittlespeechabouthow

casualsexwouldn’tfixwhat’sbrokeninsideme.Aspeechthatmademewanttoburst
into tears and made my lower lip tremble, which he kindly pretended not to notice.
Aftergoinghomeand,onceagaincryinginapatheticheaponmycouch,Iassumedhe
mustbegay.

Wrongagain.
Fiveminutesafterrejectingmeheturnsaroundandhooksupwithmyfriend,Ruby

Stiles, and now they’re getting married! Married! I don’t even know how that’s
possible? Up until Chad, Ruby only dated unemployed musicians. What could they
possibly have in common? Why her and not me? Not that I’m hung up on the guy,
because I don’t even know him, but still, what was wrong with me that I didn’t even
warrantadate?

Lastnightwastheirengagementparty.
Iputonabig,hugefakesmile,akillerblackdress,mile-highheelsandpretendedto

be thrilled for them. I thought that was my rock bottom. That attending the
engagementpartyofamanwhoselastwordstomewere—no,Idon’twanttofuckyou
—wouldbethedepthsofmylows.Butagain,Iwaswrong.

I’msensingapatternhere.
Whichleadsmetothewalkofshame,mylatesthumiliation.
Because I wanted my stomach to be extra flat, I hadn’t eaten, and to cover my

awkwardness,IpromptlystarteddowningChampagne.

Naturally,Ibecameoverlydrunkandflirty.AndwhatdoIdo?
Iflamboyantlyhitonandsleepwiththegroom-to-be’syoungerbrother!Imean,he’s

notlikejailbaityoung,butyoungenoughtobeembarrassing.He’sonlytwenty-seven!
I’mthirty-two.We’renoteveninthesamedecade.He’sstillinschool,forgod’ssake.
Okay,medicalschool.Well,really,he’sanorthopedicresident,butthatstillcountsand
it’shumiliating.Andhe’sthegroom’sbrother!

HowclichécanIget?
My stomach heats and jumps and my knees wobble a bit at the few memories I

have.IthinkImightbesicksoIsitdownonaparkbenchandputmyheadintomy
openpalms.Thenightisaseriesofblurryimages,vagueconversationandsex.

Lotsandlotsofsex.Correction.Lotsandlotsofmind-blowing,earth-shatteringsex.

The kind of sex your momma definitely didn’t tell you about. The kind of sex that
makesyoubelieveingod,becauseyou’vescreamedhisnamesomanytimes.

When Chad introduced Christopher as his younger brother, it had given me a

moment’spause.Butthenhe’dsaidhi,withthatsmile,andithadbeengameon.We’d
flirted shamelessly, and he’d been so cute. Christopher Fellows was boyishly,

endearinglyhandsomewithbutterscotchhairandlightgolden-browneyes.He’dbeen
tallandbuilt.Hishandsbigandhotonmyhips.Andhe’dbeensonice.Soattentive.He
seemedgenuinelytolikeme.Althoughinretrospect,itprobablyonlyseemedlikethat
inmydrunkenbrain.

Aguyalwaysseemslikehelikesyouuntilhescrewsyou,right?
I shake my aching head at the part of the night I still remember. After hours of

flirtinglikeweweresixteen-year-olds,he’ddraggedmeintoastorageclosetandgone
downonme.He’dkneltonthefloor,putmylegonhisshoulder,andwentforit.I’m
notgoingtolie;hehasthemosttalentedtongueinthehistoryoftongues.

I’dcomesohardmylegsshook.
Igroanandsqueezemylidstight.Ifonlythatwastheendofit,butthenhe’dpinned

meagainstthedoorandproceededtofuckmehardenoughIsawstars.

Godkillme.
Therestofthenightiskindofablur.Wedrank.Iknowthat.Irememberustalking

but I don’t remember what we said, all I know was that it seemed like he listened to
me.Wasinterested.Evenafterthecloset.

I’d obviously ended up at his apartment. I remember lots of sex. I remember

orgasms. At some point I’d fallen asleep and when I’d woken I’d never been so
humiliated.

It was bad enough to have a drunken one-night stand, but no, I had to go have a

flirtfest with the groom’s baby brother and make a fool out of myself in front of
practicallyeverypersonIknow.

Mymindhasabriefflashofusrollingaroundonthebed,hotandsweaty.Meriding

him, my head thrown back, his hands on my breasts. I get another image of him
poundingintomefrombehind,hisfingersworkingmyclit.

I gasp, flushing hot. Oh, dear god, no. Had I really swallowed his cock while I’d

straddledhisface?

Theimagecrystalizes.Shit.Idid.
I’dreallygrindedawaythere,hadn’tI?
I’d also screamed, moaned, and groaned. I’d been insatiable. I hadn’t even cared

whatIlookedlike.TherewassomethingaboutChristopherthathadmademewantto
comeagain.Andagain.Andagain.

Justshootme.
IfI’velearnedanythingfrommylonglistofhumiliations,it’sthatwhenyouslutit

upwithaguythefirstnightyou’velosttheirrespect.But,howwasItoknowhe’dturn
meintoaravingsexmaniac?

He’dbeensocute!Helookedlikedhe’dbeapuppydoginbed—whichishonestly

whyI’dglommedontohim.Ithoughthe’dbeeagerandplayfulandcuddly.Ithought

I’d have to give him instructions. Show him where the clitoris was. Make him think
aboutbaseballsohewouldn’tcometoofast.

Ithoughthe’dmakemefeelgoodaboutmyselfagain.
Iwaswrong.
We’dhad super-dirty, porn sex.Like, insane, embarrassing sex.It was the best I’d

everhad.

There’snocomingbackfromthat.
SoI’dcrawledoutofhisbed,creptthroughhisapartment,andleft.
Now,hereIam.Clearly,I’llneverbeabletofacehimagain.I’llhavetosomehow

comeupwithanexcuseforwhyIcan’tgotoChadandRuby’swedding.

Myheadispounding.MybodysorefromtheworkoutI’dgivenitlastnight.
Thisiswrong.Ihavetomakesomechanges.Ican’tkeepgoingonlikethis.Ican’t

keeplookingoutsidemyselfforvalidation.Foracceptance.Ican’tkeepexpectingsome
guy to fill me up and make me whole. I remember the words Christopher’s brother,
Chad, spoke to me so long ago, a man won’t fix what’s broken inside you. And this
morning,aftersleepingwithChristopher,Ifinallyunderstandwhathemeant.

Ihavetochange.Ineedtofindpeace.
Ican’tkeepsearchingforsomeoneelsetofillwhat’smissinginsideme.
I straighten on the bench. A surge of empowerment washes over me despite the

strengthofmyhangover.

Since men are my drug of choice, and the source of all my poor decisions, there’s

reallyonlyoneplacetostart.

I’llneedtotakeavowofcelibacy.
The thought both terrifies me and thrills me. If I want to find myself, I can’t keep

usingguystodistractme.I’llneedtoquitthem.Notforever,justuntilIlearnnottouse
themasvalidation.

Howlongdoesittaketofindyourself?
Ifrown.AtleastayearI’dthink.Inibblemylowerlip.
Yes, I can do this. A year without men. I’ll be like that Sex in the City episode I’d

watchedonHBOGowhereCarriedecidestodateNewYork.

ButinsteadofChicago,I’lldatemyself.
I’lltakemyselfout.I’llreadonthebeach.Gotoconcerts.Movies.Spendtimewith

mygirlfriends.Discovernewhobbies.Concentrateonmycareer.Gotoyoga.

I look up into the sky. The sun is rising, all fiery red orange, breaking across a

billboard. A picture of a beach, a tropical drink, and a hotel with the words, Come to
Belize,scrollingacrossthem.

Isuckinabreathandsomethingnigglesinsideme.
Icouldtravel.Bymyself.

Thatwouldbedaring.Whatbetterwaytostartoutayearofcelibate,self-discovery

thanwithasolotrip? Icoulddoit. Ihaveplentyofvacation timeandmyboss loves
me.She’salwaystryingtogetmetotakemoretimeoff.

Icouldleavetomorrow.
I’dbeentirelybymyself.Icanthink.Plan.Lookoutonthehorizonandreflecton

mychoices.FigureoutwhoIaminsteadofusingsomeguytodefineme.

Yes,Belize,Iwillcometoyou.
AshleyMayHill,youareonyourway.BythistimenextweekI’llbeabrandnew

person.

Someonebetter.Stronger.And,mostimportant,male-free.

“

CHAPTERTWO

ou’rewhere!”MybestgirlfriendTessaJordanscreechesintomyear.

InmymostcalmtoneIsay,“I’minBelize.”

Yes.I’vedoneit.Thirty-twohoursaftermyrevelationontheparkbenchI’msitting

on the patio of the hotel from the billboard drinking a piña colada, cell phone to ear,
watchingthewavesbreakoverthesand.

Before I’d left, I hadn’t told anyone my plans, because I hadn’t wanted anyone to

talkmeoutofit.ExceptformybosstoletherknowIwouldn’tbeintowork,Ihadn’t
madeasinglecalluntilIsatdowninthelounge,drinkinhand.

“Ohmygod,areyouwiththehotdoctoryouwenthomewith?”Tessa,sheknows

me far too well, and jaunting off to a tropical paradise with a hookup is exactly
somethingI’ddo.

AnimageofChristopherwithhisheadbetweenmylegsfillsmymindandashiver

racesalongmyskin.Iignoreit.Thesekindsofthoughtsaren’thelpfulifI’mgoingto
keepmyvowofcelibacy.

“No. I’m by myself.” I take a sip of the frosty coconut-and-rum concoction that’s

probably a gazillion calories. Instinctive fear for my waistline washes over me, but I
brush off the distress. I don’t have to care about calories. Men are off the table, who
caresifmystomachgetsalittlebloated.

Besides I’m on vacation. With the balmy breeze blowing across my skin, I’m not

goingtoworryaboutsuchtrivialmatters.Icanworkonmyabsinmyfreetimewhen
I’mbackathome.I’llhaveplentyofit.

Anotherhigh-pitchedscream.“YoutookoffforBelizebyyourself?”
“Yep.”Thewordissimpleandexact.Because,fuckyeah,Idid!Itookcharge.Imade

achangeandIwentforit.

Okay,yes,I’lladmitit’salittleweirdtobesittingherebymyself.I’mtotallyoutof

my comfort zone, but that’s a good thing. I read somewhere that all change happens
outsideyourcomfortzonesoImustbeontherighttrack.

Itwilljusttakesomegettingusedto.

“Butwhy?”Tessaasks,thesurpriseinhertoneclear.
I take another sip of my drink before squinting down at the beach littered with

people.IneedtogetdowntothelittlecabanaI’drented.MaybeI’lleventakeanap.I
nevergettotakenaps.

“Ashley!”
Theshriekofmynameripsmeawayfrommyrelaxationplanning.Foragirlthat’s

alwaysonthego,figuringouthowtodonothingrequiressomeforethought.

I return to the subject at hand. “What’s wrong with Belize? Ever since I read Eat

PrayLoveI’vebeendyingtocome.Ihadvacationtimeandgotanimpulse.”

It’s partially true. When I’d read the book I marveled at the author’s bravery and

toldmyselfIcouldnevergoanywherelikethatalone.

I’mprovingmyselfwrong.
“Youdon’tevenwanttogotothebathroomalone,”Tessasays.
It’strue.ItallstemsfromanirrationalfearifIgetcomfortablebeingalone,I’llend

upalone,abandoned,withnobodytoloveme.

SohereIam,changingmylimitingbeliefs.Gome.
WhocaresifpeoplethinkI’maloser?I’mnotaloser.Or,atleastIwon’tbeaftermy

yearofself-discoveryiscomplete.

Igivemyselfalittlementalpatontheback.“Iknow.That’swhyIdidit.”
“Thisisn’tlikeyouatall.”
“I’mtryingsomethingnew.”Sotakethat,world.
When Tessa speaks, there’s a new suspicion lacing the words. “Did something bad

happenwiththedoctor?Didhesuckinbed?”

“Itwasfine.Hehasnothingtodowithit.”It’salie.Hehaseverythingtodowithit,

justnotinawayIcanexplain.HowdoIarticulatethatthebestsexofmylifeisforcing
metomakechangesinmylife?It’scounterintuitive.

Irunmyhandthroughmyhair,andtrytoignorethefeelingthat’sbeendoggingme

sinceIsnuckoutofChristopherFellows’sapartment.Ihatethathefeelslikeamissed
opportunity,whenit’snottrue.EvenifI’ddoneeverythingperfectly,there’snofuture.
I’m thirty-two to his twenty-seven. Five years older! I understand this is the modern
age and women can do whatever they want, but I don’t date younger guys. He’s
supposed to be older than me. I’m supposed to make him feel young, not have him
makemefeelold.Also,he’sstartinghiscareer,andstillfinishinguphisresidencytobe
anorthopedicsurgeon.I’mnearingthewrongsideofthirtyandamnowforcedtobe
realistic.IfIwantfamilyandkids,Idon’thavetimetositaroundandwaitforsomeone
toestablishacareer.

Anyrelationshippotentialwasoverbeforeitbegan.
Besides,thathadneverbeenthepointofhimanyway.I’dgoneafterhimprecisely

becausehewasuncomplicated.

“Finedoesn’tsoundallthatpromising.”Tessa’svoiceripsmefrommythoughts.
I bite my tongue to keep from defending him. To keep from gushing about his

considerable skills. A man that sweet looking should not be that good in bed. There
should be a law. Or he should come with a warning. Caution: May cause multiple
orgasmsandlife-changingself-analysis.

“Areyousureyou’reokay?”Tessasoundsconcernedagain.
I do my best to reassure her. “I’m great. I promise. I wanted to do something

different,somethingchallenging,sohereIam.Thisvacationisaboutme.Ajourney.”

There’snothingbutsilence.
I can’t explain any more than that. “I should go.” I have a Kindle full of books to

read—fromZenBuddhismtoThePowerofHabit—tofeedmymind,andaphonefilled
withguidedmeditationstofeedmysoul.

“Areyousure?Becauseyousoundweird.”
Ilaugh.“Iswear,I’mmoreawesomethanI’vebeeninalongtime.Ijustneededa

vacation.IbookedacabanathisafternoonsoIcanrelax,drink,andsitonthebeach
until the travel washes away. Tomorrow morning, I’ve scheduled a beachside yoga
classandamassage.Doesthatsoundlikeabreakdowntoyou?”

“I guess not.” She still doesn’t sound convinced but I’m through trying to explain.

“Willyoucallifyouneedme?”

“I will.” A false promise, because I won’t call. From now on the only person I’m

goingtoneedismyself.“Talksoon,loveya.”

I hang up before she can say anything else, and signal the waitress over to order

anotherdrink.Ismileupather,ayoung,prettygirlwithdarkskin,aredbikinitopwith
amatchingfloral-printsarong.“CanIgetanotherinaplasticcuptotakewithme?”

“Ofcourse,ma’am.”Shewritesitdownonherpadandhurriesaway.
Iadjustmysunglasses.I’llignorethema’ampartandfocusonthebeach.
So this is it, I’m taking charge. As Elizabeth Gilbert says in the book, “Day fucking

one.”

Operationself-improvementisonitsway.

Thesunisheavenonmyskin.

After the night of crazy sex, frantic preparations, traveling and drinking a day’s

calorieworthofpiñacoladasI’mexhausted.Alonewithmycabana,thesunshiningon
myskin,theweatherismakingmesotired.Lullingmeintothatspacebetweensleep
and wakefulness. My lids grow heavy and I close the cover of my Kindle and toss it
aside.Myeyesdriftclosed.

ThisisthebestideaI’veeverhad.WhydidIeveravoidthis?Ishouldhavedonethis

amillionyearsago.

Whatbetterwaytodealwithadisasterthanbyescape?I’magenius.
My limbs are boneless, heavy with relaxation. I have complete freedom to do

whateverIwant.AndallIwantistodriftalong,thewarmthofthesunonmyskin,the
soundsofthewaterbreakingovertheshore,thetropicalbreezeblowinginmyhair.

Ishiftonmychair,andloweritdowntoaproneposition.BetweenmylegsI’mstill

swollenandsore.Aflashofmemoryfillsmyhead,distractingmefrommyquestfor
peace.Christophermovingslowandeasyandlanguidinsideme.Hishands—

Nope!
Stop!
That’s not helpful. Forget about that night. Guys save that kind of sex for women

theyhavenointerestin,Iwasalay—easyanduncomplicated—he’sprobablyalready
met some sweet nurse during rounds today. He’ll take her to a nice dinner, hold her
hand,andgiveherarespectfulgood-nightkissonthecheek.Tomorrowhe’llsendher
flowers—somethingsweet—liketulipsorlilies,withalittlecardthatreads,thinkingof
you.

Andthat’sfine.Perfect.Expected.Doesn’tmatter.I’moffmen.
Thatcrazynightwasthelaststraw.Myrockbottom.It’sjustgoingtotaketimeto

wean myself off the addiction. Maybe it’s a good idea to remind myself of my cold-
turkeyplan:

Nofantasizingaboutguys.
Noflirting.
Notrollingsoftballleaguenightatthebars.
AndsinceIfigureIshouldstayawayfromorgasmsforawhile,I’llhavetogiveup

masturbation,untilthingsareundercontrol,whichmeansnorelivingChristophersex.

Ineedtosavemydaydreamsformoreimportantthings,likethekindofpersonI

wanttobe.It’stimetofeedmysoul,notmyoveractivelibido.

Now seems like a good time to do one of my guided meditations. I pick up my

phone, scroll through the playlist I created and finally settle on one about non-
attachment.Iputinmyearbuds,settleintomychairandletmyeyelidsclose.AsIstart
to walk through the mental wildflower fields in my mind, my limbs grow heavy and
thatdeliciouslazinessstealsoverme.

Iyawn.
Sleep,slowlyandlanguidly,creepsoverme.
“Ashley!?”Aloud,surprisedmalevoiceI’drecognizeanywhere,slamsthroughme.
Ijoltawake,screamandjerkupright,mygazeflyingupasmymouthfallsopen.I

screech,“Christopher!”

Ohdeargodthiscan’tbehappening!

CHAPTERTHREE

Christopher

stare down at the gorgeous blonde I’d taken home the night of my brother’s

engagementpartyincompleteshock.OnelookatAshley,lyingthereinhertiny,pale
yellowbikiniandmycockhardens.JustlikeithardenedthefirstsecondIlaideyeson
her.IshovemyhandsintomypocketssoIdon’tfrightenpeople.

Eveninmysurprise,Ican’tstopmygazefromtravelingthelengthofher,snagging

onherbreasts.LiterallythemostfantasticbreastsI’veeverhadthepleasureofbiting.
They’d been full, way more than a handful, and my mind fills with the image of her
bouncingaboveme,ridingmycocklikeshe’dbeenborntoit.

ShouldIbeflatteredorworriedshe’sfollowedmehere?Obviouslythesaneanswer

isworried.It’sabitmuch,anddoesn’tquitejivewiththewaysheslinkedawayatdawn
without even leaving her number. Maybe she’s one of those crazy, split-personality
girls?

Butinaway,herfollowingmeheresavesmesometrouble.DespiteAshley’slackof

contactinformation,I’dbeenplanningongettinghernumberfrommyfuturesister-in-
law,Ruby,andcallingherafterIreturnfromthemedicalconferenceI’mattending.

After a morning of lectures, we had the afternoon free, so I’d decided to wander

downtothebeachonlyfindAshleylyinghere,likeagiftfromthegods.

Icanhandlealittlecrazy.
I manage to pull my attention off her chest, and when I reach her shocked face, I

frown.

Whyisshesosurprisedtoseeme?
Shepoints,gesturingwildlybeforeyelling,“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
MyfrowndeepensandItiltmyheadather.“Whatdoyoumean?Youknowwhy

I’mhere.”

“Imostcertainlydonot.”Shepicksupawhitecover-upandclutchesittoherchest,

althoughIdon’tknowwhyshe’sbotheredasI’veseen,touched,andtastedeveryinch
ofher.

Thesandshiftsbeneathmyfeet.She’safantasticactress.“Ashley,wetalkedabout

this.”

Theconfusiondoesn’tclearfromherexpression.Insteadshesaysinaslowvoice,

“Talkedaboutwhat?”

Istudyherfeatures,whicharetotallyblankofunderstanding,andfullofwhatcan

onlybedescribedashorror.LikeI’mthelastpersononthisearthshewantstosee.This
isnotthefaceofawomanthatfollowedmeheretocontinueourhookup.

Realizationdawnsonme.“Youdon’tremember?”
Her gaze slides away and her cheeks turn pink. “Not anything that explains what

you’redoinghere.”

I’d known she’d been drunk. Hell I’d been drunk too. We’d both had too much to

drink, but it never occurred to me she’d forget. I’d had plenty of alcohol but I still
rememberedeverysecondofbeingwithher—fromthemomentI’dlaideyesonherat
my middle brother’s engagement party, to the last time I’d fucked her before falling
intoanexhaustedheap.

Okay,well,thisisawkward.AndhereIthoughtthatkindofsexwasimpossibleto

forget.Iclearmythroat.“Whatdoyouremember?”

Herskinflushesontopofaflushandsheshrugs.“Iremembersomestuff.”
“Doyourememberthecloset?”
Shenods.
Thankgod,I’ddonesomeofmybestworkinthatcloset.IhatetothinkI’dbrought

her to a screaming orgasm with my tongue, before burying myself inside her and
poundingintoheruntilwe’dbothhadashudderingclimax,onlyforhertoforget.

Iraiseabrow.“Doyourememberdancing?”
“Kindof.”
There’dbeenquiteafewshotsbetweentheclosetanddancing.
“Doyourememberleavingwithme?”
Asmallshakeofherhead.“Notreally.”
Onthewalktomyapartmentiswherewe’dspentthemosttimetalking.Although

eventhenwe’dbeeninsatiable.Ishovemyhandsdeeperintomypants.“Soyoudon’t
remember sitting on the bench a couple blocks from my house, me pointing to the
billboardandtalkingaboutthemedicalconferenceIwasattending?”

Confusionruns across her face,followed by abject dismay.She buries her head in

hercover-upandscreams.

Ican’thelpit.Ilaugh.“Sono?”
“Thiscannotbehappeningtome.”Hermuffledvoiceissweetanddistressed.

Iwalkoverandsitdownontheemptychairnexttoher,brushingmyfingerover

hersmooththigh.“Hey,it’sokay,it’snotabigdeal.”

Shejerksundermytouch,shiftingawayfromme.“Itisabigdeal.”
Ichuckle.NotfromwhereIstand.I’mthrilledtoseeher.Iwasalreadyplanningon

callingherfromtheresorttoaskifIcouldseeherwhenIgetback,butthisisbetter.
“Infairness,Ididhavemyhandbetweenyourlegs,andyoucameabouttenseconds
after I told you, so I can see why you might not have been focused on the
conversation.”

“Ohmygod!”Anothermuffledscreech.
Grinning, I schooch closer to the edge of the chair and take her wrist. She tries to

moveawaybutIdon’tlether,instead,pullingherhanddownsoherfaceisnolonger
hiddenbythecover-up.“Comeon,it’snotsobad,youhavetoadmitit’skindoffunny.”

Avigorousshakeofherhead.“It’snotfunny!I’mhumiliated.”
Istrokeoverthepulsepoundingagainstthefinebonesofherwrist.“Thisisbetter

thanyoubeingastalker.AstalkerrequiresmetotakeactionandI’mnotreadytocall
thepoliceonyou.Restrainingordersaresoannoying,youknow?”

She tosses me an appalled look. “Do you really think I’m that desperate? That I’d

stalkyou?”

Ishrug.“Ididn’tthinkso,butIdidtellyouIwascominghere,sowhatelsewasI

supposetothink?”

Shepullsherwristaway.“IsweartogodIdidn’tremember.”
“Hey,Ibelieveyou.”
She looks out to the water, crossing her arms over her stomach. “I’m not some

desperatestalker.”

Ofcourseshe’snot.She’sagorgeousblondewithakillerbody,who’sfun,smartand

successful.Shedoesn’tneedtostalkguys.“Iknow.”

“YouprobablythinkIplannedthis.”Thewordsaredejected,andpitiful.
“Icantellbyyourhorrifiedexpressionyoudidn’t.”Ileanforwardandtakeherchin

inmyhand,forcinghertolookatme.“Ifyouplannedthis,you’dbecoy,youwouldn’t
belookingatmelikeyou’dratherhavebambooshootsshovedunderyourfingertips
thansittingherewithme.”

Sheturnsthosebigblueeyestome,andourgazeslock.Everythingwe’ddonethat

nightpassesbetweenus,fillingupthespacewithheatandhungerandlust.

I hadn’t planned what happened. It was probably too much, too fast. It was

definitelytoointense.Inormallywouldn’thaveactedlikethatwithawomanIwanted
towoo.Normally,I’dtakeitslowandeasy,buttherewasjustsomethingaboutAshley
thatcalledtosomesortofprimalbeastinsideme.

OnelookandallIcouldthinkaboutwasdoingfilthythingstoher.

Hercheeksflushpinkagainandshejerksawayfromme.“Thisisanightmare.”
Ismile.“Let’snotgetdramatic.Maybeit’sfate.”
“Fate!” She waves her hand. “This isn’t fate, this is the universe’s twisted sense of

humor.”

I understand she’s embarrassed and thrown off so I don’t take it personally. Good

naturedly,Isay,“Doesthismeanyoudidn’twanttoseemeagain?”

Sheblinksatmebeforeshescoffs.“Likethatwasevergoingtohappen.”
Now, I narrow my eyes and my jaw hardens. “Wrong. I had every intention of

callingandaskingyouout.”

“Don’t lie.” She huffs, and it puffs out her magnificent chest. “I promise it’s not

necessary. I’m a big girl.” Distress flashes over her features. “Older than you, so I
understandhowtheone-nightstandworks.”

“Doyounow?”Ikeepmyvoiceamused,light.Clearlyshe’sonarollandIhaveno

intentionofstoppingher.

“Yes.”Herchintilts.
“Andhowdoesitwork?”
Sherollshereyes.“Iadmitthisisanunfortunatecoincidencethatappearstobemy

fault, but you can go your way, and I’ll go mine. I’m not here for you and have no
intentionofrepeatingtheothernight.”

WhileI’dliketodisputeherclaim,Idecideagainstit,choosinginsteadtofocuson

the more interesting part of this predicament. Because her actions are clearly a
spontaneousdecisionmadehoursaftershe’dleftme.Thequestionis,why?“Whatare
youherefor,Ashley?”

Shesucksinabreath.“I’mhereforme.”
“Whatdoesthatmean?”
“It’snoneofyourbusiness.”
Ifallsilent,mullingovermyoptionssinceshe’sontherunandnotatallhappyto

seeme.Finally,Isaysoftly,“You’rewrong,Iwasgoingtocallyou.Ifyouhadn’tleft,I
would have asked you to breakfast that morning and then to dinner as soon as I got
backtotown.Sinceyousnuckaway,I’dplannedonaskingRubyforyournumber.But
makenomistake,youwouldhaveheardfromme.”

Sheblinksthoseclearblueeyesatme.“Idon’tbelieveyou.”
“Fairenough,why?”
Shelooksouttotheoceanbeforesheshrugs.
I have a feeling I know why. There had been something a bit too desperate about

thatnight,atouchtoointenseandhungry.Therewassomethingembarrassingabout
doingthingspeoplewho’dknowneachotherforyearswereafraideventodiscuss.I’d
felt the same way, but instead of wanting to walk away, all it did was make me want

more.Idecidetoprobeabitandseewhereitleadsme.Imeethergaze.“Thingsgota
littletoodirtybetweenus,didn’tthey?”

Shesucksinabreath.“Everyoneknowsone-nightstandslikethataren’tmeantfor

anythingmore.”

“True.”I’mnotgoingtopretendshe’snotright,becausesheis.Crazy,dirtysexwith

astrangerissupposedtobeaone-shotdeal.Only,whenI’dbeenintroducedtoAshleyI
hadn’tbeenthinkingaboutonenight.Ihadn’tevenplannedonsleepingwithher.I’d
beeninstantlyattractedtoher.Captivatedbyhersmile,andquickwit,I’dsetmymind
topursueher.I’dintendedonapropercourtship,onlywe’dhadtoomuchtodrink,our
flirting had turned sexual and hot, and I’d had to get my mouth on her. It’s not an
excuse,butit’sstillthetruth.

Itrymybesttoexplain.“ThesecondImetyouIwantedtoaskyouout,butsince

I’mfiveyearsyoungerthanyou,IknewI’dhavetoconvinceyou.Igotalittlecarried
away.”

Okay,alotcarriedaway.
She turns to look at me—and I catch it—a second before it disappears. Hope. “It

doesn’tmatter.I’mtoooldforyou.”

“Fiveyearsisnothing.”
“Itistome.”Shefrowns.“Besidesthat’snotthepoint.”
“What’sthepoint?”
Sheblowsoutabreath.“Itdoesn’tmatter.”
Shedoesn’thaveone.Imeethergaze.“CanItakeyoutodinnertonight?”
She jerks, and I see the surprise in her expression before she starts shaking her

head.“No.I’mherebymyselfforareason.”

“Andwhatreasonisthat?”
She seems to find some sort of hidden reserve and squares her shoulders. “I’ve

decidedit’stimetofindmyself.I’veswornoffallmen,datingandsexforayear.”

Wellshit.Celibacydefinitelyputsacrimpinmyplans.

Ashley

HowcouldIhaveletthishappen?

Christopherstaresatme,hisbutterscotchhairblowinginthebreeze,hislightbrown

eyesnarrowedandassessing.

Onlyme.That’sallIcanthink.Whatkindofanidiotplansaweekofsolitudeand

conveniently forgets the guy she slutted it up with is going to that exact resort for a
medicalconference?Whodoesthat?

Isigh.Me!That’swho.
Assoonashe’dtoldthestorythememoryhadcomeflashingbacktome.Notfuzzy

anddreamlike,butwithharsh,jaggedfocus.

We’dmadeourwaythroughthestreets,stoppingandmakingoutlikeacoupleof

teenagerseverycoupleofminutes.We’dfinallystoppedtositonabench,fightingto
catchourbreaths.He’dbeentalkingabouttheconference,thehotel,thetripallwhile
strokingmyclitinslowdistractingcircles.Ihadn’tbeenpayingattentiontothewords;
instead, I’d been grinding my hips into his hand, silently begging him for more
pressure.

He’d laughed, told me I’d been soaking his fingers, then pushed me over with

ruthlessefficiencyrightthereontheparkbench.

Iflushwithheatandembarrassmentatthememory.
He wanted to ask me out. Yeah, right? I’d hardly been on my best girlfriend

behavior. And I know from experience, don’t I? There were girls you slept with, and
girlsyoudated.I’dalwaysbelievedIwasgirlfriendmaterial,butnowIknowbetter.

Trevortaughtmethat.
Nowit’smyjobtofixmyself.
Christopherfrowns,pullingmebacktothebeach,whichmomentsbeforehadbeen

paradise.“Soyou’resayingyouleftmybedandpromptlytookavowofcelibacy?”

If his world had been spun off its axis like mine had, that statement would make

perfectsense.

“It’s nothing personal. My actions made me realize I needed to make some

changes.”Ibitetheinsideofmycheekanddecidetobehonest,althoughIdon’tknow
why. Maybe because it’s different. Or maybe it’s because there’s something steadfast
aboutChristopherthatinvitesthetruth.Isaysoftly,“I’mtiredofbeingthatgirl.”

Hesitsforward,andlegsspread,laceshisfingersbetweenhissplayedknees.“What

girl?”

Imeethisgaze.“Likeyoudon’tknow.”
“Idon’t.That’swhyI’masking.”
Iraiseabrow.“ChadandRubydidn’twarnyouoffme?”
Hisexpressionflashesbeforeheshrugs.“Theydid.”
Atleasthe’shonest.
It hurts. Chad I understand, because I did proposition him for sex and all that

embarrassing stuff, but Ruby stings. She may not be in the inner circle with my two
closestfriends,butshe’sstillafriend.I’vestillknownhersincecollege,stillhungout
withher.She’ssupposedtoatleastlikeme.Ilookoutatthewavescrashingoverthe
shore.“Sothenyoudoknow.”

He’ssilentforawhilebeforehesays,“Theytoldmeyouwereonthereboundfrom

someguyclearlynotgoodenoughforyou.Thatyouwerelookingforareplacement.Is
thataboutright?”

Itfeelssomuchmorecomplicatedinmymind,butwhenhebreaksitdownlikethat

ittwistsmystomachandleavesbehindavaguelynauseoussensation.“Isupposethat
sumsitup.”

“Sodidyouusemeforthenight?Sleepinmybedwhilepicturingsomeotherguy?”
No! I want to scream the word. Okay, it did start that way. I’d wanted to use

ChristophertofillthevoidTrevorleftbehindbutthat’snotthewayitended.

WithinfifteenminutesofmeetinghimI’dbeengettinglostinhiseyes,thefeelofhis

handonmyback,andbythetimehismouthwasonminehe’dbeentheonlythought
inmyhead.Tuckedintothatcornerattheparty,everythingelsehaddisappeared.And
forthefirsttimeinforever,IforgotaboutTrevor,forgotaboutmyhumiliation,forgot
aboutmysadness.

ForthefirsttimeI’dmetsomeonethatwasn’tasubstitution.
ThisiswhatIwanttosay.WhatIhavetheurgetoconfess,tomakehimunderstand.

ButthenIlookathisface,hiscute,boyishfacethathidesadevilinbed.

He’stheperfectguy.He’ssmart,good-looking,interestingandnice.Helistenswhen

youtalk,isattentiveandthoughtful,andhe’sgoingtobeasurgeon.

Somenicegirlisgoingtosnatchhimupinaheartbeatandhedeservesthat.She’ll

beallsweet,probablyakindergartenteacherthatwillquithercareertobetheperfect
doctor’swife.They’llhaveabighouseintheburbs,perfectlittlechildrenandadog.

Iwantthatforhim.Hedeservesthat.
Itcanbemyfirstselflessactonmypathtoenlightenment.Ishrug.Ican’tmanage

tospitoutthelie,butIdomanageaweak,“I’msorry.”

Hestudiesmeforalong,longtimewithanarrowedgazeandahardsettohisstrong

jaw.AjawI’dscrapedmyteethover,beforebegginghimtotakemeharder,notforty-
eight hours ago. He’d denied me that time, instead slowing his pace until his cock
movinginsidemefeltalmostdreamlike.

At the memory, my nipples pull instantly tight and between my legs a slow heat

builds.Ishiftinmychairtoquelltheache,allthewhileneverlookingaway.

After what feels like an eternity, he nods. “All right then.” He stands. “Enjoy your

vacation.”

Heturnsandwalksaway.
Iswallowthesuddentearsthatriseinmythroat.
Iwillnotcry.
It’sover.That’sfine,becauseallChristopherwasmeanttobewasafundistraction

tofillupmylonelynight.Intheend,I’mdoingtherightthingbylettinghimgo.

That’swhyIcamehere,tochange.

I can’t melt into a pool of liquid heat and go to dinner with him. I can’t break the

vows I’d made to myself. Especially for him, a younger guy with whom I have no
future,nomatterhowhemakesmefeel.Besides,heprobablyjustwantsanothernight
ofcrazysex.

Thishastobeatest.There’snootheroption.
I’ddonetherightthing.
Tomorrowwillbebetter.
Myeyeswell.
Iwillnotcry.I’mdonecryingoverguys.
I’mstrong.Icandothis.Ihavetolearntobealone.

CHAPTERFOUR

Christopher

hisfuckingsucks.

Maybe it’s my ego, but something is off here. Ashley wasn’t telling me the truth

about that night. I don’t care what she says, she hadn’t been thinking of anyone else
when we’d been together. Not the way she’d stared up at me with needy, liquid-blue
eyes.I’vepicturedothergirlswhilesomeoneelsewasunderme,andthat’snotwhatit
lookedlike.Whatitfeltlike.

Howhadshetransformedfrombeingallovermethenightoftheengagementparty

tonotevenwantingtohavedinnerwithme?

Wehadaconnection.Itwasn’tinmyimagination.
Ididn’thaveanswers,butIdidhaveasourceofinformation.
Iwentuptomyroomandcalledmybrother’scell.
“Hey,how’sparadise?”Mybrother,Chad,askswhenhepicksup.
Chad is the middle brother, sandwiched between my oldest brother Cameron and

me. The lone non-surgeon in our family of doctors. A software developer, he leads a
teamatafirmintheLoopandrecentlygotengagedtohisgirlfriend,Ruby.

RubyisoneofthemostawesomepeopleI’veevermet.Chadoncereferredtoheras

arebelsnowwhiteandit’saperfectdescription.Withshinyblackhair,ridiculousblue
eyesandfullredlips,she’sgorgeous,fun,andthere’snotonethingconventionalabout
her.Untilshecamearound,Chadhadalwaysdatednondescriptblondesthatworried
myoutspoken,feministmotherfortheirlackofchallenge.

But my mom loved Ruby the second they met. We all had. She’s exactly right for

mybrother.

RubyalsohappenstobefriendswithAshley.
Iclearmythroat.“Interesting,I’llgiveyouthat.”
Chadlaughs.“Howcanaconferenceaboutcuttingopenpeoplebeinteresting?”

Inarrowmygaze.“Ashley’shere.”
Silence, before a speculative, “That is interesting. I know you took her home, did

youdecidetokeepherforabit?”

“Notexactly.It’ssomewhatofacoincidenceandnotthepointrightnow.”Ipickup

a scrap of paper lying on the nightstand and run my finger along the edge. “Is Ruby
there?”

Moresilencebeforehesighs.“Hangon.”
Ihearabunchofrummagingandbackgroundnoiseandtalkingbeforemyfuture

sister-in-lawcomesontheline.“Hey,what’sup?”

Idon’tmincewords.“Ashley’shere.”
“Didshefollowyou?”Thequestionisdeliveredwithoutpause.
I don’t like the implication Ashley’s the kind of girl that would do something like

that,andIwanttoignoreit,butdenialisn’tinmynature.IfAshleyisanutcase,better
tocutmylosses,usethenighttofillmyfantasies,andcallitaday.Icrumplethepaper.
“Isshereallythetypethatwoulddothat?”

“Iwouldn’tthinkso,butshe’shadatoughgorecently,soIdon’tknow.”
Itbringsmesomerelief,butitdoesn’tdispelthenigglingdoubts.“Idon’tthinkshe

did.”

“Why’sthat?”Ruby’s,smokysinger’svoiceiscurious.
“Well, for one she wasn’t happy to see me and two, she wants nothing to do with

me.”Irunmyhandthroughmyhair.Processingthroughmyanswersmakesmemore
sure.“Thatdoesn’tstrikemeasstalkerishbehavior.”

Rubylaughs.“Oh,Icantellyourightnowthatisnothowshe’dactifshe’dfollowed

you.I’mnotsayingshe’saboveplayinginnocent,butifshefollowedyou,she’dbeall
overyou.”

Thelastofmydoubtsevaporate.“That’swhatIthought.SoIwantyoutotellmeher

story.”

NowRubyfallssilent,andIcanpracticallyhearherponderingthroughthecell.“Did

youaskherthenightoftheparty?”

We hadn’t talked about our pasts. We’d been too focused on other, more carnal

things.Iclearmythroat.“AllIknowiswhatIlearnedfromyou.Thatshewasonthe
reboundandIshouldstayaway.”

“Since it doesn’t look like you’re going to stay away, why not ask her yourself?”

Rubysoundsinquisitive,thoughtful.

“Ican’taskherifshewon’teventalktome.”
“AllI’mwillingtosayisshewasinlovewithaguyforalongtimethatdidn’tlove

herinreturn.Ifyouwantmoreinformation,you’llhavetofindawaytotalktoher.”
There’s more silence over the line as Ruby thinks before she continues. “I’ve known

Ashleysincecollege,andwhileshe’snotoneofmybestfriends,she’sstillmyfriend.
She’sbeenhurtenough.Maybeyoushouldleaveheraloneandletherfindsomeone
thatcanmakeherhappy.Shedoesn’tneedanymoreguysplayingwithher.”

I grit my teeth and my hand clenches into a fist, almost instinctively. “I’m not

playingwithher.”

“Isthatwhyyoutookherintothecloset?”Ruby’stoneislight,meanttosoundlikea

quipinsteadoftherebukeitreallyis.

“Howdidyouknowaboutthat?”
“Itwaskindofhardtomiss,ChadandIhadbetsonifyouweregoingtogoatitright

thereinthecorner.”Shechuckles.“Iwon,buthalfthepartysawyouguysstumbleinto
the closet and she”—Ruby clears her throat—“didn’t look the same when she
returned.”

Okay,soinmydrunken,hornystateIdidn’texercisethediscretionIthoughtIhad.

“Whatdoesthathavetodowithanything?”

“Nothing,”Rubysayslightly.“It’sjustmoreofaplayermove,isall.”
In that moment I realize if I want Ruby to give me anything helpful I’m going to

havetogivehersomethinginreturn.Somethingsincereandhonest.Irubmyeyes.“I
knowhowitlooksandI’msorryifwewereobnoxiousonyourbigday,butIlikeher,
Ruby.Alot.AllIwantisachancetogettoknowher,properly.AndI’maniceguy.You
knowIam.”

Ruby chuckles. “You were obnoxious, but it was kind of cute, and I didn’t mind.”

She sighs. “I want to help you, but I have to be honest, her rejection of you is not
standardAshleybehavior,soIreallydon’tknowwhyshe’sdoingthis.But,I’lldoyou
thisonefavor,Iwillcallherandtryandfindoutwhat’sgoingon.Iwon’tbetrayher
confidence,butIwilltellyouanythingIdeemuseful.”

“Icanlivewiththat.”ItwouldhavetodowhileIformulatemyplan.
“Good.I’llletyouknow.”

Ashley

Idecidedtohavedinneronmybalcony,anicelittletableforonethatlooksoutover
theocean.IsippedmySauvignonBlancandpickatmymango-encrustedhalibutdish,
andpretendIwasn’tholedupinmyroomtoavoidrunningintoChristopher.

Afterthedisasteronthebeach,Iwasgrantingmyselfonenightofpity,andthenI’d

suckitupandgetonwithmysolovacation.

MyphonerangandIlookeddowntoseeRuby’snameonthedisplay.There’sonly

onereasonshe’dbecalling.Ihitdeclineandtakeanothersipofwine.

Asecondlatermytextwentoff.Iknowyou’rethere,sopickup.
Thirty seconds later my phone rings again. I sigh and answer, cutting right to the

chase.“Isthispartofyourfuturesister-in-lawduties?”

I’m not going to pretend things haven’t been a bit strained with Ruby. I have a

feeling she knows I propositioned her future husband, but she’s never said anything,
andIcan’texactlyask.Idon’tblameher.Imean,infairness,mythrowingmyselfat
himwasbeforeshegottogetherwithChad,anditdidn’tmeananything.I’mnothung
uponhim.He’djustlookedlikeagoodsubstitutionforTrevor.Someoneinthesame
league,betteractually,toeventhescore.

But I can’t apologize for something I’m not sure she even knows about. She’d

knownIwasafterChadbeforetheygottogether.I’dtoldheroftenenoughIthoughthe
washot,soIcouldn’tfigureoutifthestrainwasbecausewe’dlustedafterthesameguy
andshe’dwon,orbecausesheknewwhatI’ddone.

Rubylaughs.“Yes,Iguesstheyare.”
“SoIsupposeChristophercalledyou.”Nopointinbeatingaroundthebush.
“Hedid.”
“Didyoutellhimtostayawayfrommeagain?”Myvoiceissnappishanditoccursto

me,I’mpissedather.Ihadn’tthoughtIwas,butIam.She’ssupposedtobeonmyside,
nothis.She’ssupposedtoprotectmefromhim,nothimfromme.

There’sashiftingoverthelineandanuncomfortablesilencestretchesbetweenus.

We’veneverbeenherebeforeandIdon’tthinkeitherofusissurehowtohandleit.
We’renotthosekindsoffriends.We’refriendsthathangoutandgodancingatclubs
andlaughtogetheratparties,butwedon’ttalk.

Finallyshesays,“I’msorry.Youenamoredhimassoonashemetyou,andIdidn’t

wanthimtogethurt.He’sareallygoodguy,Ash.Sweetandkindandgentle.”

Iresistthe—Ha!—thatrisesinmythroat.Tellthattothebruisesonmyhipsfrom

the imprint of his fingertips. Kind and gentle, my ass. Besides, that’s not the point. A
tightnessgrowsinmychest.“AndyouthinkI’mnotgoodenoughforthatkindofguy?”

“No!”Hervoiceraisesseveraloctaves.“That’snotwhatImeanatall.Ionlywarned

himawaybecauseyou’restillhunguponTrevor.IknowhowbadhehurtyouandI
didn’twantChristophertogetcaughtinthemiddle.That’sall.”

Hot, unexpected tears spill onto my cheeks and I suck in a tiny sob I hope she

doesn’thear.

Butofcourseshedoes,becausesheclucks.“OhAshley.I’msorry.”
“It’s okay.” My voice breaks. “You’re right. I haven’t been a very good person

recently.”

“No,youwerehurt,you’reentitled.”
AmI?BecauseI’mnotsosureanymore.

Sheblowsoutadeepbreath.“There’ssomethingelse,butit’sawkward.”
Iwipemytearsandinstantlystill,knowingwhatshe’sabouttosay.Iwanttostop

her,somehowthinkingifshedoesn’tsaythewordsIcanpretenditneverhappened,
butIdon’t.Because,stupidenlightenmentandresponsibility.

“Idon’twantyoutothinkit’sabigdeal,orthatIholdagrudge,becauseIdon’t.But

IknowwhathappenedwithChadthenightofLayla’sengagementparty.I’mnotmad
aboutit,becauseweweren’ttogetherthen,butwhenyoulatchedontoChristopher,I
wasn’tsureifthathadanythingtodowithit.”

HumiliationwashesovermeandIburymyhead.Isthishowalcoholicsfeelaftera

weeklongbender?Ashamedoftheiractions,astheygoaroundwiththeirtailbetween
their legs, apologizing to everyone they know? Because, honestly, it sucks. I can see
whytheychoosetokeepondrinkingiftheyhavetodothisoverandoveragain.

ButI’vecommittedtothispathofchangingmyself-destructivebehavior,andfrom

the books I’ve read, it seems this is what I need to do in order to take personal
responsibility.SoIsuckitup,gathermyreserves,anddeal.“I’msorry.Youmustthink
I’m a terrible friend, my only excuse is I had no idea you were interested in him.
Wheneveranyonetalkedabouthim,youneverhinted.IfI’dknown,I’dneverwould
havedonethat.Ihopeyoubelieveme.”

It’s the truth. I may not have always been the best person in the world, but my

girlfriends are important to me. I’d never sink so low as to go after a guy my friend
likedfirst.

“Ido.”Hertoneissoftandunderstanding.“IstillrememberwhenyoukickedDean

FergusonintheballsbecausehetriedtokissyouwhenhewasgoingoutwithSarah.I
knowyoudidn’tknowIhadfeelingsforhimbecauseIneversaidanything.Ialsoknow
you never really wanted Chad; you just wanted to be distracted by him. I get it. I’ve
beenthere.IguessIfeltprotectiveofChristopher.Myonlyexcuseisbeingabigsister
isnewtome.Butyou’restillmyfriendandIshouldn’thavesaidthat.”

Tomysurprise,aweightisliftedoffmychest,thetightnesseases,andIfeelbetter.

Cleansed and absolved somehow. Suddenly this personal responsibility stuff makes a
lotmoresense.“Iforgiveyouifyouforgiveme.”

“Deal.”Shechuckles.“Sodoyouwanttotalkaboutit?Tellmewhat’sgoingon?”
Ido,butInarrowmyeyes.“Areyougoingtotellhimanything?”
“IdidtellhimI’dtalktoyou,butmadeitclearIwouldn’trevealanyconfidences,

andIwon’t.”

I look out over the water, dark and mysterious now, beckoning me. I’ve always

wantedtowalkalongtheoceanatnight.AlthoughinmyfantasiesIwasalwayswitha
guy, holding his hand, the waves lapping at our toes. “You were right, Christopher
lookedlikeagooddistractionfromTrevor.Butafteranhour,itdidn’tseemlikethat.

Being with him was the first time I forgot about that mess. The first time I kissed
someonewithoutthinkingthatTrevorisprobablykissinghisdanceratthesametime.
Andthenafter,inthemorning,IwassohumiliatedwithmybehaviorItookthewalkof
shameandcameupwithmyplantochangemylife.”

Rubylaughs.“Lifeoverhaulsalwayshappenthatway,don’tthey?”
“Yes.” And then I proceed to tell her my plan, my vows of swearing off men.

Everything.

WhenI’mfinallydone,she’ssilentforagoodminutebeforesheasksinasoftvoice,

“Youreallylikehim,don’tyou?”

My shoulders slump. “Yeah, I do. But I have to stick to my plan, and we have no

future,sowhatdoesitmatter?”

“Whydoyouthinkyouhavenofuture?”
Iscoff.“Youknowwhy.He’syoung.He’sinschool.”
“He’saresident,that’shardlythesamething.”
“Heneedstogofindhimselfanicegirl.”Ihatethatmythicalgirlalready.
“Maybehealreadyhas.”
I wish. But I smile, happy my friend is back on my side. “Thanks. I’m glad we

talked.”

“Metoo.Andhavefun,okay?You’reonvacation.”
“Iwill.Ipromise.”Wehangup.
Brightandearly,firstthing,Iwillsetmyliferight.
Christopher’spresence,whileunfortunate,willnotstopme.

CHAPTERFIVE

’msittingonmyyogamat,staringoutintotheocean,thetropicalbreezelovelyon

myskin.Thesuniswarm,breakingoutoverthehorizon.Yes,I’ddraggedmyselfoutof
bedforayogaclassatdawnbecausewhatbetterwaytostartanewchapterofmylife?

Myhairisinaponytail,andwe’rewaitingfortheinstructor.Iarrivedearly,wanting

anunobstructedviewofthewater,andthereareonlytwootherwomenheresofar.
Thematsweresetuponanopenverandaoverlookingtheocean,theinstructormatis
inthefront,allowingthestudentstohavethebest,mostscenicview.

It’s beautiful and I feel peaceful. My chat with Ruby did me good, and I’d actually

sleptwell.Aflushspreadsoutovermycheeks.AfterI’dspenthoursrelivingmynight
withChristopher.

Ihadn’tletmyselfcomethough,wantingtosticktomyplans,soI’dfallenasleephot

andachyandwet,butI’dstillsleptlikeheaven.And,forthat,Iwasthankful.

NowIcouldfocusonpeace.Mytransformation.
Iputmyhandsfaceuponmykneesandtouchmyfingerandthumbtogetherlike

I’veseenpeopledo.MyeyesdriftclosedandItakeitallin.

Thesilence.Thetranquility,thebreakofthewavesinthedistance.
Iletitwashoverme.
Whenathoughtflitsthroughmymind,Icaptureitandletitlooseintheairlikemy

guidedmeditationshavetoldmetodo.WhenIheartheshuffleoffeetandthesoundof
peoplesitting,Idrownthemoutwithamental,ummm.

I sit like that, not thinking until the instructor issues a soft, “Good morning,” in a

soothingmelodiousvoice.

Iliftmylashestotakeintheyogainstructor,abronzedbeauty.Agorgeous,dark-

hairedwomanwithhugemelting-chocolateeyesandafitbodythatcouldrivalaSports
Illustratedmodel.OnelookatherandIinstantlyregretmythousandsofpiñacolada
caloriesfromyesterday.

“Todaywe’regoingtostartinmountainpose.”
Istand,mygazeonherasshedemonstratestheposture.Imimicher,feettogether,

raisingmyarmstothesun,beforebringingthemdowntoheartcenterandclosingmy
eyesagainatherinstructions.

“Breathein.”Hervoiceisslowandsoothing.“Breatheout.”
Iexhale.Feelingproudofmyselffortakingthisfirststep.
“I’d like you to begin by setting an intention for class and sending it out into the

universe.”

Please, universe, don’t let me run into Christopher for the rest of the trip. Lead me

awayfromtemptation.Nottowardit.

“Your intention can be whatever you desire, it can be about nothing more than

being present in your surroundings and in this moment. Or it can be greater, more
encompassing,likeworldpeace.”

Okay,somaybeIhavealittleworktodointheintentiondepartment,buthey,I’ma

workinprogress.

“Today, I want you to feel strong, so using your breath, move to warrior two.” I

watchassheswingsherarmswide,andshiftssoherbodyisthrustouttotheside,her
armstraight,hergazeoverherrightfingers.

Ifollowsuit,payingattentiontomyform,lookingoutovermyfingersonlyformy

eyestocollidewithChristopher’sspectacularbareback,andevenmoremagnificence
assencasedintightshortsthatsitlowonhiships.

Ohmygod!
Whatthefuck,universe.

Christopher

Thisisasilent,beachsideyogaclass,Ashleymaynotbreaktherulesbyspeaking,but
her body language speaks volumes. When I’d seen her sitting there on the mat, her
hairback,herfacefreeofmakeup,andhereyesclosedI’dthoughtthegodshadsmiled
uponme,becauseIcertainlyhadn’tplannedthis.HowcouldIhave?

Ofcourse,Icouldhavesatdownbehindher,soshewouldn’tnoticeme,butthat’s

notwhatIwanted.Iwanthernotice.Iwantheraware.

I’dtriedtosmileather,butinsteadofreturningit,shelookedlikeshemightmurder

me. I didn’t let that faze me. I’m going after Ashley. Maybe we got off on the wrong
foot.Maybeshe’solderthanme.MaybeIdon’thavetimeandshedoesn’thavetime.
Maybeshe’smadesomevowofcelibacy.Andmaybenoneofitmakesanysense.ButI
don’tcareaboutthat.Thereissomethingbetweenusthatdeservesexploration.

I’mnotlettinglifestandintheway.
So I smile every time our eyes lock and she shoots back daggers, her jaw is

clenched,andnotatallrelaxed,despitetheclass’sbestintentions.

Inallhonesty,it’snotthemostrelaxingclassI’veevertaken.
Wehadn’tspokenbuttension,sexualandotherwise,humslikealivewire.Despite

my years of practice, I kept losing my focus, getting distracted by Ashley’s fantastic
bodydeckedoutinminisculeyogaclothes.Everybendandstretch,everyflexreminds
meofournighttogether.Thethingswe’ddone.ThewaysI’dtakenher.

“Namaste,” the instructor says, raising her pressed hands to the middle of her

forehead.“Thankyouforjoiningmeonthisbeautifulmorning.”

Ashley jerks her head in my direction, glares at me, jumps up and stomps off,

headingthroughthearchesleadingintothehotel.

Igrabmydiscardedshirtandfollow,joggingtocatchuptoher.Herstrideisbriskas

she walks down the corridor, and when I reach her, I grab her elbow and swing her
around.“Hey,waitup.”

Herbrowsslamtogether.“No,Iwillnot!Letmego.”
“Justwaitonesecond.”Itightenmyhold.“Iwanttotalktoyou.”
“Well,Idon’twanttotalktoyou.”Shejabsherfingerintomychest.“Stopfollowing

me.”

“I didn’t follow you.” I flash her my most charming, most affable smile. “It’s fate,

Ashley.”

“Don’tberidiculous.It’snotfate.”Shewavesherfreehandtowardtheverandawe

justvacated,wheretherestoftheclassstillsitsenjoyingthescenery.“Doyouhonestly
expectmetobelieveyoutakeyoga?”

I laugh. “Yeah, but that class was a little tame for me. I usually take Bikram Yoga

threetimesaweekinLakeview.”

“Youdonot!”
“I’lltakeyouthereifyoudon’tbelieveme,butbepreparedtosweat.”Istrokemy

thumboverthetendercurveontheinsideofherelbow.“I’vetakenitforacoupleof
years,ithelpswiththedemandsofresidency.”Anotherbrushoverherskinandwhen
sheshiversunderme,I’mfilledwithsatisfaction.“Ialsorunandliftweights.”

Unabletohelpherself,hergazedriftsdownmybody,wheremychestisstillbare

andaflushstainshercheeks.Shegritsherteethandhisses,“Letmego.”

SheyanksherarmandIlookdownather.I’msignificantlytallerthanher—six-two

comparedtoherprobablyfive-five.I’mnotaboveusingmyheighttoremindherofall
thethingsIcando,likepickherupandholdheragainstthewallwhileIthrustintoher.
LikeI’ddoneinthecloset,andagainonthewayhome,inbetweentwobuildings,our
mouthsfranticandhungry.

Igazedownather.“Areyougoingtorun?”
“Yes.”Herattentionflickersonmymouththenjerksaway.

“Canyoujustlistentomeforaminute?”
“There’snothingtosay.”
“Youdon’thavetosayanythingifyoudon’twant,youcanjustlistentowhatIhave

tosay.”

Sheshrugsabareshoulder.“Ican’tstopyou.”
I loosen my hold, and run my fingers up and down her arm, pleased when goose

bumpsbreakacrossherskin.“Youcanrunifyouneedto,butI’mstillgoingtocatch
you.”

Sheshakesherhead.
I’mnotgoingtobotherarguingwithher.IknowI’mright.There’ssomethinghere.

Iskimmyfingersoverhershoulders,thecurveofherneck,andherpupilsdilate,her
breathquickens.

“Whatdoyouwanttosay?”Hervoiceisbreathless.Needy.
Icurlmyhandaroundhernape,andoureyeslock.Sparks,flickerandignite,and

heat fills the space between us. I slide my other hand along her waist, her bare skin
smoothandwarmtomytouch.

Sheletsoutalittlewhimper.
Iwalkforward,tighteningmyhold,andtakingherwithmeasIguideusbackward

into a little alcove. The second I have some semblance of privacy, my mouth covers
hers,andlustexplodesaroundus.

Ipressheragainstthewall.
Herhandsclimbupmychestandclutchmyshoulders.
Mytongueslidesbetweenherlips.
Hernailsdigintomyskin.
My head tilts, deepening the contact, as I become consumed with her mouth. Her

taste.Thepressofherlips.Thefeelofhertongue.

Thatsamepossessionthattookresidenceinmethatnightrearsup.
Thekissturnshotter.Wetter.Moreinsistent.
I’m generally an easygoing guy, I like sex fun and playful, but Ashley brings out

somethinginsatiableandferalinme.

Igriphertighter.
Ourbodiesslidetogether,thecontactmakingusbothloseourbreaths.
Sheshifts,liftingup,andmycocknudgesbetweenherlegs.It’ssofuckingperfect.

She’ssoperfect.

Igripherhip,rockingintoher.
Shegasps,surginguptomeetme.
Afrantic,almostdesperatequalityfuelsthemeldingofourmouths.
AnycontrolIhaveoverthesituationisquicklyfraying,readytosnap.

BeforeIenduptakingherinpublic,Iripaway.
Shepantsupatme,herblueeyesglazedandglassy.Herlipsswollen.
IsuckinairwhileItryandgaincontrolovermybody.Irunmythumboverher

lowerlip,wetandredfromthebruisingofmymouth.

She’llweartheevidenceofmeallday.Ilikethatideaentirelytoomuch.
When I speak my voice is deep. “My conference goes until five today, but I will

comelookingforyoulater.”

Sheshakesherheadandwhispers,“Pleasedon’t.”
Idon’tthinksherealizeshowherfingerstightenonmyskin,asthoughshedoesn’t

wanttoletmego.

I trace her mouth with the pad of my thumb, wanting nothing more than to stay

withher,righthereinthishot,needyplacewherenothingbutthetwoofusseemsto
matter.ButIhavetogo.“Iwillseeyoulater.”

Ikissthenofromherlips.
“I’llfindyou.”ThenIturnandwalkaway.

CHAPTERSIX

Ashley

’msittinginthemaindiningroomofthehotelatatable,onthebalconyoverlooking

theocean,sippingwineandwaitingformydinnersaladtoarrive.Iwantedtohideout
inmyroom,butsheerpridewon’tletme.IwouldnotletChristopher’spresenceruin
myvacation.Iwouldnotholeupinanefforttoavoidhim.

Thiswasmytime.Iwastakingit.
It’s been a strange day. After the shattering kiss with Christopher I’d gone back to

myroom,shaken,mybodyneedyanddesperate.

Ihadn’tputupanyfightatall.Worse,I’dmeltedagainsthimandpracticallybegged

formore.

Howhadhebrokenthroughmyresolvesoquickly?Sofastandruthlessly?
I’ve been with my share of guys. I like sex. Like orgasms. Like losing myself in a

guy’sbody.Iwasn’tnaive,orinnocent,orkittenish.Ienjoyseduction.

But,god,Christopherdidsomethingcrazytomybody.
I don’t know how to explain, but it was like he made me forget about the

performanceofit.Thegame.Whenhekissesme,allthoughtdrainsawayandit’sjust
himandme,andthewayhemakesmefeel.

Idon’tlikeit.Itmakesmefeeloutofcontrol.
ButIrefusedtolethimwin.Afteryoga,I’dgottenamassage,justlikeI’dintended.

I’d also treated myself to a manicure and pedicure. I rented a bike and escaped the
hotel, riding to the local market where I shopped exotic goods before taking tea in a
localemporium.

Itwasactuallyagoodday.ExactlywhatIwantedandneeded.
OnlynowIwasbackatthehotel,andhadChristopherasaconstantthreatlooming

overme.Worse,Iwantedtoseehim.Yes,mydeterminationnottohidewastrue,butI
also know myself. There’s a part of me that wants him to come find me. There’s no

denying the kernel of disappointment in my sternum that I’ve been sitting here for
twentyminutesandthere’snosignofhim.

HowweakamI?
Mysaladcomes,andIsmileatthewaiter,fixingmynapkinonmylaptogivemy

hands something to do. Making sure to cover my white, strapless sundress that
highlightsmynewlightlytannedskin.

WhenIwasgettingreadyIdecidedtogoagainsteverythingI’dnormallydowhen

I’mtryingtoattractaman.Iworeflatflip-flopsandalsinsteadofheels.Iworemyhair
in a haphazard side bun, instead of messy bed head designed to make a guy think of
sex.Lastly,nopoutymakeup.I’dputonblush,mascara,andlipbalm.

Andhonestly,Ilikedtheresults.Ilookedfreshfaced.Gonewasthatlook.That,oh

my god, please make me forget look that had been haunting me since Trevor eloped
withthedancer.

Itakeabiteofmysalad,amixtureofleafygreensandmangochutneythatisdivine,

anddecideit’sgoodtobealone.Thatforcingmyselfoutofmycomfortzoneisthebest
thingIcandoformyself.

SoIatemysalad,ordermydinner,andtrynottolookbehindme.
Ididn’tevenallowmyselftoread.Instead,Ifocusonthebeautythatsurroundsme,

sodifferentfromChicago’surbansprawl.Ihopeforpeace,andmanageprettywell,but
I’maworkinprogress.Icanlivewiththat.

“CanIjoinyou?”Christopher’svoiceissoftbehindme.
Itrymybesttoignoretheshiverthatracesdownmyspine,theexcitementjumping

inmybelly.Slowly,Iturnandlookupathim.

He’s standing there, his butterscotch hair blowing in the breeze, wearing a loose-

fitting, un-tucked white shirt, and light gray beachy-type pants. My eyes meet his
whiskeygazeandIcan’thelpbutsuckinabreathatthesightofhim.

Whydoeshehavetobesocute?Soirresistible?I’dalwaysgoneforprettyboys,so

hisappealisasurprise.

The“no”hovers,butwon’ttumblefrommylips,warringwithwhatIwanttodo.
He takes my lack of a response as an invitation and sits, smiling at me. “Did you

haveagoodday?”

Irunahandovermyneck,rememberinghisfingersthere,pressingintomyskin.I

nod.“Idid.”

“What did you do?” He smooths his hand over the white linen tablecloth, cleared

awaytoaccommodatemypartyofone.

I stare at him, unblinking. Trying to figure out what course of action to take. The

waiter appears at our side, saving me from a decision when he bows at Christopher.
“Areyoujoiningmadamfordinner,sir?”

“Yes.” Christopher doesn’t consult me on this; in fact, he doesn’t even look in my

direction.

Thewaiternods,raisesahandandaminutelateradinnersettingisplacedinfront

ofhim.“Doyourequiresomethingtodrink?”

Christophertakesthenapkinandputsitinhislap.“I’lltakeoneofthosestrawberry

smoothies,thanks.”

AndIcan’thelpit,thesmiletwitchesatmylips.
Hegivesmeawickedgrin.“What?”
“That’saverymanlydrink.”
Helaughs.“Ithasruminit.”Herunsapalmoverhisthroat.“Ineedsomethingice

creamyafterspendingalldaylisteningtodoctorstalkaboutrefractiontechniques.”

Iletthesmilespreadandputmyhandsonthetable.Ithinkaboutcallinghimonhis

presumptionthathecouldjoinmefordinner,butwhat’sthepoint?I’mnotsureIhave
itinmetogethimtoleave,eventhoughIshould.But,whatIcandoislayoutsome
boundaries, preferring to go on the offensive instead of playing defense like this
morning.

Imeethisgaze.“Yousittingheremeansnothing.”
Heshrugsashoulder.“We’llsee.”
“I mean it. I’m not sleeping with you.” I’m not going to lie, it pains me to say the

words,butitmustbedone.I’vehadtoomany—justgiveusthisweek—talkswithmy
vaginaalready.

ThewaiterreturnswithhisdrinkandChristophersayshe’llhavewhatI’mhaving

before we’re alone again. He turns his attention back to me, eyes narrowed and
thoughtful,theintensityofhisgazeatcompleteoddswiththepink,frothyconcoction
sittinginfrontofhimwithalittlepaperumbrellastickingout.

Nervesskitteracrossmyskin,disconcertingme,andImanagetosay,“I’mserious.”
Henods,picksuphisdrinkandsipsfromthestraw,beforeholdingitouttome.“Try

itanditwillconvertyou.”

I do, and it’s so good I moan a little. It puts the piña coladas I’d been drinking to

shame.

Helaughs.“See,Itoldyou.”
“Fine,youwereright.”Ican’thelpmygrin.He’sjustsocharming.
“OfcourseIam.”Hiswinkkeepsthewordsfromsoundingarrogant.
Irollmyeyesandhelaughs,good-natured.
Several minutes pass before he tilts his head. “While I was supposed to be busy

learningtoday,Ispentfartoomuchtimecontemplatingthissituationofours.”

Myspinestraightens.“Thereisnosituation.”
“Yes there is. And you can pretend as much as you want, but it doesn’t change it.

ThereissomethingbetweenusandIforonewanttoseewhatitis.”

Iopenmymouthtospeakbutheholdsupahand,stoppingme.
“Iknowyouhaveabunchofarguments,andIwanttohearthemall,butfirstletme

saythis.”

Iclosemylipsandnod.
“Ithinkwegotoffonthewrongfoot.Thatmaybetakingyouintoaclosetandgiving

youthreeorgasmstwohoursafterwemetmighthavegivenyoutheimpressionIwas
onlyinterestedinsleepingwithyou.Iunderstandthat.AndIaccepttheconsequences
ofmyactions.Buthere’swhatI’masking.Givemeachancetoproveyouwrong.Give
me the opportunity to learn you. All I want is the opportunity to see if there’s
somethingmorethanthebestsexontheplanetbetweenus.”

He takes another drink and his gaze skims over my face and down my body. He

shouldlookridiculous,withhisgirlycocktailanddisarmingfeatures,buthedoesn’t,he
lookssexy,confidentandsure.

Andithitsme,howlongit’sbeensinceI’veexperiencedgenuineinterestinaman.

I’ve been going through the motions of sex and attraction for so long I’d failed to
realizetheynolongerresembledanythingreal.ThatChristopheristhefirstmanina
long time I’ve actually been attracted to, not just physically, but emotionally. I liked
him. When I’m around him I forgot about the game, the thinking, the strategy, and
just...enjoyedmyself.

Oblivioustomyrevelation,hecontinues.“Iknowyouhaveyourplantobealone,

andswearoffmen,butwe’rehereandmaybeitisfate,andnotcircumstancethatput
usthousandsofmilesawayfromhomeattheexactsametimeandplace.BecauseI’ve
beenthinking,remembering.AndIdidn’ttellyouwhenIwasgoing,Ashley,IsaidI’d
be there for a conference, and I was going to tell you the details, but then I got
distracted by the heat between your legs, the way you lifted into my fingers and I
forgot.Eventhoughyourbrainrecalledthehotelfromourconversation,whatarethe
oddswe’dbehere,atthesameexacttime?”

I suck in my breath as I recall that moment on the bench, the orgasm that had

pulsedthroughme,stealingmybreath.Igivemyheadalittleshake.“Idon’tknow.”

“Notverygood.”Hisgazedipstomymouth.“SoIhaveadealforyou.I’mwillingto

provemyself,andhere’swhatI’lloffereventhoughit’sgoingtobearealchallengeon
my willpower. Give me a chance to spend time with you. You’ll have plenty of time
alonetodothethingsyoucameheretodo,becauseI’mstuckinthisconference.But
whenI’mfree,andifitworkswithyourplans,Iwanttohangoutwithyou,togetto
knowyouproperly.Inreturn,IpromiseIwillkeepmyhandstomyself.Iwillhonor
your vow of celibacy and treat you like my best platonic friend. I promise I will not
touch,kiss,lickorfuckyou.”

Hiseyesdarkenandtheaircracklesbetweenus.“Unlessyouaskmeto,ofcourse.

ThenIwilldoallthosethingsandmore.”

Igulp,mythroatgoingdry.He’sofferingmeawayout.
Achancetohavemycakeandeatittoo.AndIwantit.
The waiter chooses that moment to delivers our meals. He puts the plates down,

asking us if we want anything else. When we say no, he takes his leave, and
Christopherturnsbacktome.“Dowehaveadeal?”

Myfingerstwitchonmyfork.Iwantmycake.Iwanttospendtimewithhim.Ifit’s

platonic,isthatcheating?Ibitemylip.

ThisissomethingI’veneverdone.Idon’thangoutwithguys.AndIwanttoknow

Christopher.Maybefromthisdisasterwecanlearntobeactualfriends.Maybethat’s
the silver lining. Because something about him calls to me, something I don’t think I
can ignore, even though it makes no logical sense. This can be my vacation gift. To
learniffriendshipispossible.Inod.“Wehaveadeal.”

“Good.”Hepointstomyplate.“Noweat.I’mattendingtheconferencewithagroup

of my closest friends and they are hitting a dance club we heard about in an hour. I
thoughtitsoundedfun.Wouldyouliketogo?”

Ilovedancing.Ipickupmyforkanddigin.“Soundsfun.”
Hegivesmeacockygrin.“Well,allright,butdon’ttryandluremeintoanyslow

dances.”

Ilaugh.“I’lldomybest.”
This isn’t what I expected, but it is something new. Something different that’s

outsidemycomfortzone.Anightoutwithanattractivemanwithnopossibilityofsex
orseduction.Idon’thavetotrytofigureoutwhathewants,whoIneedtopretendto
be to catch his interest. I don’t have to worry about how I look, or if I’m dressed
provocativelyenoughtogethisattention.

Idon’thavetobeanything,butme.

CHAPTERSEVEN

Chistopher

claspthebeertightinmyhandandtakeasip,nevertakingmyeyesoffAshleyon

the dance floor. We’ve been here for two hours, and she’s danced almost the entire
time.

She’sdrivingmerightoutofmygoddamnmind.
Iwasn’tsurewhattoexpectwhenI’daskedhertocome,butthiswasn’tit.Iwasn’t

surehowshe’dbewithmygroupoffriends,threeotherguysandonelonefemale.Our
group had bonded in our surgical rotation during med school, and we’d stayed close
friends.Onceayearwegotoatropicalconferencetogether.

The only woman in our group is Shelly, a pretty, tiny blonde with a gigantic

personalitythatmakesupforhersmallstature.Whenshe’dmetus,she’dsatusdown
and told us that we were not to hit on her, that she had zero interest in us, and to
remove any idea of sticking our dicks in her out of our disgusting brains because it
wouldn’thappenevenifwewerethelastmenonearth.

Yeah,thatwasherintroduction.
Afterfightingafierceattraction,sherelentedandstartedsleepingwithTed.They’ve

beenscrewingaroundforsixmonths,andJace,Xavierandmewerenotsupposedto
knowaboutit.

Teddidn’ttellus,butitwasobviousfromthestartofourfriendshipthattherewas

something between Shelly and Ted, so when they finally hooked up nobody was
shocked.Exceptforthem,andtheybothseemtothinkit’ssuchabigdealtheycan’ttell
us.We’reniceandletthembe,makingfunofthembehindtheirbackswhentheyslip
from some room, their mouths swollen, their clothes disheveled, and think we’re
idiots.

They’regettingsloppythoughandIsuspecttheywon’tbeabletokeepitupmuch

longer.

A brilliant surgeon, with a take-no-prisoners demeanor, Shelly is one of those

womenthatgetsalongbetterwithguysthanmembersofherowngender.Shethinks
women are frivolous and doesn’t understand half of what they get upset about. I’ve
never seen her cry. Ask if she looks fat. Check her makeup in the mirror, if she
bothered to wear any. She thinks shopping is a chore and chick flicks are for losers.
Except for her feminine features that make her delicately pretty and are at complete
oddswithhercharacter,she’sthequintessentialguygirl.

WhichiswhyIwasshockedwhenshetookonelookatAshleyandthey’dbecome

instantbestfriends.I’dneverevenseenShellyexpressaninterestinafemale.Thelast
girl I brought around my friends was a sweet, nice preschool teacher, the most
nonthreatening,inoffensivewomanontheplanet.ShellyhadtakenonelookatKelly,
rolledhereyesandhissed,Really?Thisiswhatyoubringme?

Butshe’dlovedAshleyliketheywerekindredspirits.
They’dliterallyignoredusfortheentirenight.
Xavier,alwaysinthemoodforahookup,wasoffinthecornermakingtimewiththe

beautiful yoga instructor from this morning’s class. In the semi-crowded bar, she’d
recognized Ashley and me, and came over to say hello. The second she and X had
lookedateachother,ithadbeenon.He’stheplayerinourgroup,andcanprettymuch
scorewithanywomanhesetshismindtoo—exceptShelly,ofcourse.

That left Ted, Jace and me, huddled around a table watching Ashley and Shelly’s

purses. Ted’s eyes are narrowed on Shelly, shaking his head as she and Ashley do a
sexylittlebumpandgrind.

Ashley’stallerthanShelly,soeventhoughthey’reglommedtogether,Ihaveaclear

viewofher.She’scomeundoneoverthecourseoftheevening.Herhairhasslipped
fromitsmessysidebun,spillingoveroneshoulder.She’ssweaty,allhermakeupgone,
asshe’sthrownherselfintodancinglikethisthelastchanceshe’llevergettodoso.

She looks fucking gorgeous. I will have to fight to keep my hands off her, but I’d

madeapromiseandIneverbreakmypromises.

Ofcourse,Iplannedonmakingsuresherelentedandbeggedmetotakeher.Aplan

that’salittlehardtoexecutewithhernotgivingmethetimeofday.

Ted points his bottle at the two women, making quite a spectacle, and shakes his

head.“Isitjustme,ordoesShellyhaveagirlcrush?”

Ilaughandscrubmyhandovermyjaw.“Itdoesappearthatway.”
Jacegrins.“Weshouldhavegottenheragirltoplaywithagesago.”
Tedopenshismouththensnapsitshut.Probablyrememberingatthelastminute

thathe’snotsupposedtobeanythingbutShelly’sfriend.

JaceandIrolloureyesateachother.
Ted’s hand tightens on his beer. “Do you think they’re ever going to remember

we’rehere?”

“Doubtful.”Jacejutshischinintheirdirection.“Doyouthinkthey’regoingtokiss?”
“Maybeifwe’relucky,”Isay,notsureifI’minterestedinseeingthisornot.Imean,

sureitwouldbeplentyhot,butIwantAshley’smouthtomyself.

Ted drags a hand through his hair and I can tell he’s feeling as frustrated as I am.

After hours of watching and not being able to touch Ashley, I’m on edge. Needing
somethingtoburnoffallthispent-upenergy.

“Aren’t you going to go out there and get her?” Ted asks, and I can hear the

repressedaggressioninhistone.

“Iwasn’tplanningonit.”I’ddecidedtoleaveAshleytoherowndevices.Wantingto

showherIrespectherquest,butthiswasunanticipated.

“Whythehellnot?”Ted’svoiceisdemanding.Impatient.
Ishrug.“Ihavemyreasons.”I’mnotabouttodisclosewhathappenedwithAshley.

WhenI’dintroducedherI’dsaidshewasafriendofmybrotherandhisfiancée.

Tedhuffsandputshisbeeronthetablebeforesaying,“I’llberightback.”
Jacelaughsandshakeshishead.“Maybeyoushouldtakepityonhim,he’sclearly

sufferingfromacaseofblueballs.”

I have no sympathy. Unlike myself, he’ll have an outlet. I scoff. “Which will be

rectifiedassoonashesneaksintoherroomtonight.Heshouldbethankingmereally.”

Tedisclearlyworkedup.Ilivedwiththeguyforacoupleofyears,Iknowhowhe

operates.He’llbetakingallthatfrustrationoutonShellylaterandshe’llbeluckyifshe
canwalktomorrow.

Jacenarrowshisgaze.“Sowhat’sthedealwithAshley?”
In our small group, Jace and I are the closest. Just like Ted and X are the closest.

Shelly belongs to us all. Well, if you don’t count the Ted situation. I shrug. “No deal.
She’sjustafriend.”

“Yeahright.”
“It’strue.”IcatchsightofAshleyonthedancefloor,someguyisspinningherand

she’s laughing, her head thrown back, her white skirt flaring and flashing her
spectacular legs. He lets her go and she slides back to Shelly. They start rubbing up
againsteachother,anditmakesmehard.Thisisworsethanwhenacollegegirlfriend
andIdecideditwouldbefuntotryViagra.

“I like her.” Jace’s words break my concentration. “And Shelly likes her. Which is

theultimatesealofapproval.”

“Ilikehertoo.”MorethanIknowwhattodowith.Ilookbacktothegirlsonthe

dancefloor,wheretheyarereallystartingtoputonashow.

“JesusChrist.”Ted’sback.
Igrinathim.“What’sthebigdeal?”

Tedgritshisteeth.“Nothing.”
Idecideit’stimetotakepityonhimandbreakthemup.OratleastItellmyselfit’s

abouttakingpityonhimandnotme.“I’lltakecareofit.”

“Thankyou,”Tedsays.He’sclosetobreaking.
Iweavemywayontothedancefloorwherethetwogirlsareswayinghiptohip.I

tapShellyontheshoulder.Sheglaresatme.

Ismile.“CanIcutin?”
“No,goaway.”Shellyturnsherbackonme.
Ashleygivesmeanendearing,goofygrinthatmakesmewanttobiteher.
ItapShellyagain.“You’vehadherfortwohours.I’dliketodancewithAshleynow.”
Shellyhuffsandheapsabigsigh.“Fine.Onedance.”
“Four,”Icounter.
“One.”
Ashleygiggles.
Iraiseabrow.“Three.”
“Two.”Shellyputsherhandsonherhips.“Andthat’smyfinaloffer.”
“Deal.”
ShellyturnsherattentiontoAshley.“Whatdoyouwanttodrink,babydoll?”
“Whateveryou’rehavingisgoodwithme.”Ashleywaves,lookinglightandfreeand

happy.

I would kiss Shelly in gratitude but I don’t think Ted can take it. Besides she’d

probablypunchme.

Shellypokesmeinthechest.“Benice.Ilikeher.”
I give her a salute and take Ashley into my arms. I smile down into her sweaty,

flushed face. She looked exactly like this in my bed and it makes me crave another
tasteofher.AcravingI’llhavetoresist.“Asyoucansee,Shellyisthebossofus.”

Ashleylaughs,loopingherarmsaroundmyneck.“Yes,Icanseethat.”
Irunmyhandupherback,lovinghowsheshudders.“Soalittlebi-curiousarewe?”
Shegrins.“Thatwasjustforfun.”
“I’mprettysurewecanmakesomemoneytopayforourdrinksifyoutwoagreeto

makeout.”

Shelaughsagain,clearlyenjoyingherself.“Maybe.”
I walk a path up her spine and she presses closer, meeting my eyes. Heat sparks

betweenusandItrynottogetdistractedbyhermouth.Trynottobetemptedtotake
it,becauseIknowshe’llyieldunderme.She’srelaxedandhappy,andpliant.IfItake
her,she’llletme,butthenI’dbreakmypromiseandIwon’tdothat.Ilaidouttherules,
nowIhavetoabidebythem.

Ihavesomethingtoprovetoher,andthatmattersmoretomethansex.

“CanItellyouasecret?”Myfingersbrushoverthebladeofhershoulder.
“Yes.”Hervoiceisbreathlessandfilledwithlonging.
“We’renotsupposedtoknowthisbecausetheyarekeepingitsomesortofsecret,

but Shelly and Ted are sleeping together, and you’re giving the poor guy a heart
attack.”

“Iknow.”Sheglancesaroundme,backtothetable,beforepressingcloser.“Shelly

toldme.”

Surpriselightsthroughme.“Shedid?”
“Yes. She told me not to tell. But since you know, I don’t see the harm.” Ashley

winksatme.“Justdon’tblameme,Idon’twantonherbadside.”

Anothersurprise.“Shellydoesn’ttalktoanyone.”
Ashley shrugs. “We hit it off. I like her, she’s fun and different from my usual

girlfriends.”

“I’m glad.” Because I am. It’s premature, but I want her to belong in my group.

Wanthertofeellikeshe’soneofus.

She giggles. “Your friend Ted has a little fantasy about watching her with another

girl.Soshe’sdecideditwouldbefuntotorturehim.Iagreedtohelp.”Shegivesmea
flirtylook.“CanIconsideritmissionaccomplished?”

“I’dsayso.”Myhandsslidedownherbackandsettleonherhips.I’msureshecan

feelmyerectionpressingintoherstomach.

Oureyeslock.
Ashley’s blue eyes darken and her breath catches. In a low husky voice, she says,

“It’sagametheyplay.”

“Whatis?”Inmylustforher,I’velosttrackoftheconversation.
“Pushing each other in public, knowing they can’t do anything, or reveal how

they’re driving the other one crazy, because they’re a secret. They get off on it.”
Ashley’shardenednipplesbrushagainstmychestandIbitebackacurse.

IpromisedIwouldn’ttouchher,butIsaidnothingabouttalking.Mypalmshoverat

herhips.“Thatsoundslikeagameyou’reinterestedin.”

Sheblinksupatme.“Iwouldn’tknow.I’veneverplayedit.”
“No?”
Sheshakesherhead.“No.Idon’tthinkI’veevertakenthatkindoftimewithaman,

orhadhimtakethatkindoftimewithme.”

I lower my lips so they are close, but not touching her ear. “That’s a shame. You

shouldchangethatassoonaspossible.I’msureyou’dlikeit.”

Herfingerstightenonmyshirtandwhenshespeaks,hertoneisbreathless.“Why

doyouthinkthat?”

“Because you’re nipples are hard. And if you asked me to touch you, I would find

youwet.”

Nexttomymouthherthroatworksassheswallows.Sheglidesagainstme,herhips

sway to the beat of the song, something island and tribal, highlighting all my base
emotionsforthiswomanwho’sinvadedallmythoughts.“Isthathowyoutalktoyour
friends?”

“Ispeakthetruthtomyfriends,Ashley.AndI’mspeakingthetruthnow.”Iliftmy

headandstareintohereyes,filledwithheatandlust.“Areyougladyoucame?”

“Yes.”
Ipullhercloser.“Myfriendsloveyou.”
“Ilikethemtoo.”Shesinksintome.
Thewordsremainunspoken,butIknowwe’reboththinkingthem.We’replaying

TedandShelly’sgamerightnow.

ShethinksI’mgoingtocave.
She’s wrong. She’ll surrender, and when she does, I’ll make sure it’s a victory for

bothofus.

CHAPTEREIGHT

Ashley

wake,feelingdeliciousandlanguid.MylegsaresorefromallthedancingI’ddone,

myheadpleasantlyfuzzyfromthedrinksI’dconsumed.Mystomach’satouchtoofull
androundedfromthefoodIate.

I’ddancedlikeacrazyperson,withabandonedfreedom,andithadbeenfabulous.

Christopher seemed to be able to do no wrong, because he danced like he did
everything else, with good-natured confidence. After we’d closed the bar down we’d
gone out to eat at a little dive restaurant and stuffed our faces with panades and fish
tacos.

I didn’t think about calories once. Didn’t worry about Christopher seeing me eat

somethingotherthansalad.BecauseIknowhedidn’tcare.Icouldseebythepleased
gleam in his eyes that watching me laugh and have fun, and moan in pleasure was
moreimportanttohimthanhowIlooked.

Andthatwasafirst.Ilikedit.Likedhim.
He’dkepthisword.Hetouchedmeonlytodance,andkeptourconversationmostly

lightandfriendly.Thefewtimeswherewe’dveered,heathadshimmeredbetweenus.

Wehadchemistry.Thatmuchwasclear.Toomuchchemistry.SomehowItrusted

himnottotakeadvantageofit.Idon’tknowwhy—Ihavesuchaterribletrackrecord
withguys,myinstinctsaboutthemalwayswrong—butIdon’tthinkI’mwrongabout
Christopher.

He’sagoodman.Trustworthy.
Wehavenofuture,nopossibility,butmaybeifwecanworkthroughthedesire,ifI

canscrubmymindclearofthenightI’dspentwithhim,wecouldbefriends.

ThephoneinmyroomringsandIlazilyreachforitandmumbleasleepyhello.
“Areyoustillsleeping?”ThesoundofChristopher’svoicesendstheequivalentofa

shotofadrenalinethroughmyblood.

Isitup.“Hi.Iwasjustgettingup.”
“Luckygirl.”Histoneisamused.
Iglanceattheclockonthebedsidetable.Holyshit,it’seleventhirty.Ihaven’tslept

thislatesincecollege.Ilaugh.“Ohgod,Ihadnoidea.”

“Didyousleepwell?”Thequestionisslow,slidingovermyskinlikehoney.
“I did. I slept fantastic actually.” I clear my throat. “Thank you so much for last

night.Ican’trememberwhenI’vehadsomuchfun.”

He chuckles. “No? You can’t think of even one time where you’ve had that much

fun?”

A flush crawls over my chest as I remember him, moving inside me, driving me

crazy.Iplayitcool.“Areyoulookingforcompliments?”

“Idon’tneedany.Iknowhowmanytimesyoucame.”
“Sosmug.”Mynippleshardenandmybellydips.“MayIhelpyou?”
“Yes.Wedecidedtoditchtherestoftheconferencethisafternoonandheadupto

HolChanMarineReservetosnorkel.Areyouin?”

Excited,myheartbeatkicksup.Idon’tevenhesitate.“I’mdefinitelyin.”
“Any chance you can be ready in fifteen minutes? We were thinking of going to

lunchatElFogonfirst.Sorryfortheshortnotice.Weweretryingtobegoodandstickit
outandonlydecidedtobailfiveminutesago.”

Before, this would have horrified me, but this is the new me. The me that cared

aboutfunandadventuremorethanperfecthair.“I’llmeetyouinthelobbyinfifteen.”

“Excellent.Seeyousoon,Ash.”
HehangsupandIsmile,likingthesoundofanamereservedformybestfriends,on

hislips.ThenIjumpoutofbedtogetready,anxioustobeginanotherdayoffun.

I’d thrown on my bathing suit, shorts, and a tank top before putting my hair into a
messy top bun held together with an elastic band, and been out the door. Now, after
lunch,ShellyandIaresittingonthebeach,takingarestbeforewegosnorkeling.

Theguysaregrabbingusdrinksandwe’realoneforthefirsttime.
I grin at the petite blonde who’d I’d taken such a liking to. She was one of those

people I felt like I’d known my whole life, and maybe the lives beyond. We’re sitting
next to each other on a blanket and I nudge her with my elbow. “So how’d it go last
night?”

Shelaughsandglancesoverhershoulderbacktowheretheguysare.“Awesome.

Hewasinsuchamood.Itwasfantastic.Youwouldn’tknowittolookathim,buthe’s
quiteaggressiveinthesack,andletmetellyouheletmehaveit.”Sheshiversalittle.
“Somuchfun.”

She’s right, Ted is a good-looking guy, but very mild mannered and unassuming.

There’s nothing dangerous about him, except for the way he looks at Shelly. I don’t
know why they believe they are fooling anyone, I’d known the second I’d met them
thattheyweretogether.

Igiggle.“Gladtobeofservice.”
“Ithinkhe’dtryandlureyouintoourbedbutChristopher’salreadyclaimedyou,so

thatmakesyouofflimits.”Shewinksatme.“Iindulgehimandlethimthinkthat’sthe
onlyreasonhecan’thaveyou.”

Fullofaffection,Irollmyeyesandgrin.Shedoesn’tfoolme,theyarehavingfun

with each other, and I’m a tool neither of them has any real interest in. My only
purpose in this game is to fuel the spark between them, which is intense and
considerablefromwhatI’veseensofar.“Sowhyareyoukeepingitasecret?You’rea
smart woman, so you must know it’s totally obvious there’s something going on
betweenyou.”

Shesighsandshrugs.“Yeah,Iknow.Christopher,JaceandXavierallfigureditout

aboutfiveminutesafterithappened.Idon’tknowhowtoexplainwhywekeepupthe
charade.It’snotlogicalandIlikelogical.”

Ismile.“Well,I’mnotatalllogical,sofeelfreetolayitonme,Iwanttolisten.”
She blows out a breath that concaves her stomach. She’s wearing a powder-blue

bikiniandshe’stinyeverywhere.“IresistedhimforaslongasIcould.I’vealwaysbeen
one of those women that got along better with guys than girls. The guys were the
smartest ones in our rotation and I wanted to study with them, so I infiltrated their
groupandbasicallytoldthemtheydidn’tstandachancewithme.Butfromthestart
therewasalwayssomethingbetweenTedandme.Wefought,sparked,argued.Ihated
everygirlhedatedandhehatedeveryguyIbroughtaround.Butwewerefriends.And
thosestupidguys,theymeaneverythingtome.Iknowit’sweirdbeingtheonlygirlin
a group of males, but they are my best friends in the whole world. Med school is
demanding,I’velosttouchwiththepeopleIusedtohangoutwith.Myfamily’sokay,
butIdon’tgetalonggreatwithmysisterssotheseguysaremypeople.Ididn’twantto
ruinthat.SoIresistedtheattraction.UntilIcouldn’tanymore.NowI’mscaredifwego
outintotheworldinsteadofsneakingaroundwewon’tmakeitandI’lllosethem.”

Itouchherarm,nodding.“Icanunderstandthat.Butyouknowyou’llneverknow

untilyoutry.”

“I know. I’m just avoiding it.” She bites her lip. “What if it’s so hot between us

becausewe’rehidingit?”

“Whatifit’snot?”MygazedriftsovertoChristopher.“ButIdounderstand,life’snot

alwaysconvenient,isit?”

“Isn’t that the truth.” She looks me up and down. “So what about you and

Christopher?”

Ican’tstoptheheatfromflaring.“Likehesaidlastnight,we’rejustfriends.”
“Yeahright.”Shesnorts.“Nobody’sbuyingthatstoryeither.Whyelsedoyouthink

JaceandXstaysofarawayfromyou?”

Iglanceovermyshoulder.“We’retryingtobefriends.Butthetruthis,Idon’treally

know him at all. I met him the first time a couple of days ago at his brother and my
friend’sengagementparty.”

Sheraisesabrow.“And?”
“Wehititoff.”
“And?”
“Weweredrunk.”
“And?”
Ishrug.“Wemighthaveslepttogether,butthat’sallbehindmenow.”
Shelaughs,asthoughtheideaispreposterous,andmaybeitis.“Yeah,no,it’snot.”
“Ithastobe.”
“Why?”Shesmilesatme.“IthinkyouguyswouldbegreattogetherandIloveyou,

soyouhavetostay.”

Iwrinklemynose.“I’mfiveyearsolderthanheis.”
“So?”
“We’re at different times in our life. I’m thirty-two and that kind of thing starts to

matter.”Idon’twantittomatter,butitdoes.AndIhavemyquesttothinkabout,I’m
nowherenearfindingmyself.

There’s a few moments of silence before Shelly says, “All I know is that he really

likesyouandyoufitwithus.”

Iswallowhard,andspotthemwalkingbacktous.“They’recoming.”
Shejostlesmewithhershoulder.“Givehimachance.”
Theguysstrideuptotheedgeoftheblanket,savingmefromhavingtoanswer.I

lookatChristopher,holdingoutadrinktome,asmileonhisface.Ijustwanttomelt.
He’s not wearing a shirt and his shoulders are bare, broad and defined. His chest is
sculpted,hisabdomentoned.Irememberhowhefeltundermyhands,theflexofhis
musclesundermyfingers.Themovementofhishipsbetweenmythighs.

He must catch the direction of my thoughts because his gaze darkens, and dips to

mylips.Hecrouchesdown,putsthedrinkintoagroveinthesandbeforereturninghis
attentiontome.“Doyouwanttogoswimabit?”

I should say no, because he’s charmed me completely, and I’m smitten by him. I

openmymouthtorefuse,butinsteadsay,“Yes.”

Hetakesmyhand,andwithoutlookingawaysays,“We’llbeback.”
Thenhestands,takingmerightalongwithhim.

Insilencewewalktotheocean’sedge.Thewateriswarm,lappingagainstmybare

toesandIstareoutintothesea.WhatamIdoing?AndwhyamIdoingit?

Hesqueezesmyfingers,andthentugs.“Let’sgothisway.”
Offtotheleftthebeachismoredesertedandwewalk,thewaterbrushingourfeet

as we make our way past the crowded section before wading into the ocean. A wave
crashes into me, almost knocking me over, but he catches me around the waist and
holdsmetight.

As our bodies slide together I gasp with the shock of it, my hands skim over the

muscles in his arms when I should be pushing him away. I meet his eyes, so hot on
mine.

Ishouldshiftoutofhisgrasp,butIstareintothedepthsofhisbrowneyes,warm

likewhiskey,andIdon’t.IstayrightwhereIam.RightwhereIwanttobe.

Itakeinaquickbreath.“You’renotmakingthiseasy.”
Hishandswalkapathupmyspine,tracingthedropletsofwaterhefindsthere.“I

don’twantittobeeasy.”

“Ineedittobe.”
“Why’sthat?”
I think of the thousands of reasons I’ve been telling myself since I left his

apartment. About my quest, about how he’s wrong for me. Too young. In different
places.Butthetruthis,I’veneverfeltmoremyself,moreeasy,thanwhenI’maround
him. Even the night of the party, when I’d first made him into a pawn to play in my
one-sidedrevengegamewithTrevor,there’dbeensomethingthatdrewmetohimlike
a moth to flame. After ten minutes of talking to Christopher, I’d forgotten all about
Trevor,rivetedbythelookinChristopher’seyesandtheskimofhishandsdownmy
back.

Hemakesmefeelbeautifulandaliveandexcited.Hemakesmeforgethowstupid

I’vebeenandallthepoorchoicesI’vemade.Beingaroundhim,itmakesmewantjust
tobe.AndthatisaluxuryI’veneverallowedmyself.

Hescaresme.
Itoccurstome,withthewaterlappingagainstmyskin,nowismychancetotakea

risk.TodevelopmyselfintothepersonIwanttobe.Before,I’dplayagame,divertor
distract, or make up some story that put me in the kind of light I’ve always thought
guyswantgirlstobe.Thecool,flirtygirlyoucanhavefunwith,that’sgreatinbed,and
nevergivesyouanyhassle.

Butit’snotreal.It’safaçadeI’vecreated.
This, right here, is my chance to be vulnerable. To be honest and raw, and open

myselfup.Evenifthathonestydoesn’tmakemelookgood,ordesirable.

My heart beats hard against my ribs as fear grabs ahold of me, but I take a deep

breath and take the plunge. I have nothing to lose but my ego, and maybe that’s
somethingIneedtokicktothecurbanyway.Withasmalltrembleinmylips,Ilook
into Christopher’s eyes and tell him the absolute, god’s honest truth. “I don’t trust
myselfandIdon’ttrustthewayyoumakemefeel.”

Surpriseflickersinhisgaze,buthisgriparoundmywaisttightens.“Whataboutme,

Ash?Doyouthinkyoucantrustme?”

Ilickmydrylips.“Iwantto.DeepdownIthinkIcan,butIhaveahorribletrack

recordwithmenandIalwaysmakethewrongchoices.Idon’ttrustmyjudgment.I’m
scaredI’mjustfoolingmyself.”

Ibracemyself,waitingandreadyforhimtopullaway.Becausethat’swhatIexpect

from men. Anything beyond fun and sex and they pull away. But if that’s who
Christopheris,howhereallyfeelsaboutme,Ineedtoknownow.ThatI’mwillingto
face what might be a harsh truth, to walk away because I want something more or
better, is progress. Not the progress I was expecting on this trip, but progress
nonetheless.

Iswallow.
Hishandsmoveupmyback,butinsteadofreleasingme,hepressescloser,before

settlinghishandsonmyhips.“Tellmeabouttheguythathurtyou.”

Tears fill my eyes and while I hate them, I don’t hide them. “I don’t want to. It

makesmesoundsodumb,andIdon’twantyoutothinkaboutmethatway.”

Hedropshisheadandpresseshisforeheadagainstmine.“Itwon’t.AllIwantisto

understandyou.Toknowyou.”

Iswallowhardandtakearisk.“Okay.”

Christopher

“Canwegosit?”AshleytremblesinmyarmsandallIwanttodoiswrapherupand
protectherforever.

Butsomeinstincttellsmethat’snotwhatsheneeds,andifIwanther,I’mgoingto

need to hear this story. That she needs to get it out so it can stop having power over
her.

Inod,releaseher,beforetakingherhand.Wemakeourwaytotheshorelineandsit

onthesandybeach,closeenoughthatthewaterlapsoverourfeet,keepinguscoolin
thehotsun.Shebendsherkneesandcurvesherarmsaroundthem,lookingoutinto
thevastblueocean.

Protectingherselfsoshecancontinue.Sheblowsoutadeepbreath.“I’mnotsure

there’s much to tell. I met Trevor my junior year of college and convinced myself it

wasloveatfirstsight.Hewasatypicalfratguy,andallhereallywantedfrommewasa
hookup.Iwassoinfatuatedwithhim,everytimehedecidedtopaymetheleastbitof
attentionIwaslikeaneagerpuppyatthedinnertable,lookingforanystrayscrapsthat
camemyway.”

I instantly understand the kind of relationship she meant. Although I wasn’t sure

youcancallitarelationship.Xavierhadgirlslikethat,girlsthatwouldjumpthesecond
hecalled.Girlshecouldpickupthephoneandthey’ddropwhatevertheyweredoing
andcomeoveranddoallsortsofsalaciousactstoprovetohimtheywerebetterthan
alltherest.

Sheneverwas.Xnevergavethosegirlsamoment’sthoughtwhenhewasn’twith

them.

That one sentence is all Ashley needs to tell me to show me the cycle she’d put

herselfthrough,andhowithadwornherdownuntilthat’swhoshebelievedherselfto
be.

Inod,putmyhandonherbackandrub,toencouragehertokeepgoingwithher

story.

She bites her lower lip. “I let him use me, because I told myself this would be the

timehestayed.Whenthatnolongerworked,Ideludedmyselfintothinkinghewasn’t
acommitmentguy,andthatemotionallyIwasimportantbecauseIwastheonlygirl
whohekeptcomingbackto.”Shehugsherkneestighterandshakesherhead.“Iletit
goonbecauseinmyheadIwasdesperatelyinlovewithhim.”

Imakebigcirclesoverherwarmskinwithmypalm.“Whathappened?”
She laughs, and it’s full of bitterness. “I was with him, and a week later he met a

dancer.TheyelopedtoVegaspracticallythesecondtheymet.”

Ouch.Thathadtohurt.Whenyou’veboughtthestoryyou’resellingyourself,you

crashlongandhard.“I’msorry.Thatmusthavesucked.”

Shehuffs.“Yeah,itdid.After,Iwentcrazy.It’slikeIhadtofindsomewaytomake

him pay. To make him crazy with jealousy so I went into a downward spiral of one-
nightstandsandabunchofcrazy-stupidactsIdon’tevenwanttothinkabout.”

The sad fact was, all of Ashley’s self-destructive behavior was for naught; this

assholeTrevornevergaveashitabouther.

Heractsdidn’thurthim—theyonlyhurther.
I can tell she’s beating herself up, so I offer her a smile to let her know I’m not

beating her up about it. I don’t know what makes me even say it, but I follow my
instincts.“YoumeanstupidactslikepropositioningChad?”

She screeches and buries her face in between her arms and groans. “Oh my god,

youknowaboutthat?”

Ilaughandpullherclose,kissingthetopofherhead.“Yeah,hetoldmethenightof

theengagementparty.”

“It’s so humiliating!” She puts her head on my shoulder, which pleases me

immensely.“Whydon’tyouhateme?”

Isqueezehershoulders.“BecauseIknowithasnothingtodowithhim.Youwere

tryingtofillavoid,Ashley.Everyonedoesthatsometimes,inamilliondifferentways.
Somearejustmoreself-destructivethanothers.”

She sniffs. “Well, I did that before Ruby and Chad were even together. I did

apologizeafterthefact.Soit’snotlikeshedoesn’tknowandit’ssomesortofsecret.”

“Iknow,Rubywastherewhenhetoldme.Itwastheirargumentforwhyyouwere

onthereboundandmyvirtueneededtobeprotected.”Besides,ChadandRubyhave
nosecrets.

Shegazesupatmeandwrinkleshernose.“Fortherecord,I’mnotcarryingatorch

foryourbrother.”

Ichuckle,releasinghertotuckahandunderherchin.“Iknowthat.”
“Nothinghappenedeither,heturnedmedownflat.”
“Iknowthattoo.”Istrokemyfingerdownthelineofherjaw.“Ifitmakesyoufeel

better, it was nothing personal. Chad has a very particular type, and you’re not it.” I
don’tknowatonaboutmybrother’ssexualpractices,butIknowenoughtodiscernhe
onlydatessubmissivegirls.Rubybeingthelastandfinaloneonthelist.

Shebitesherlowerlip.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Butyou’renotasubstitute.”
Iwanttokissher,totakehermouthandshowherexactlyhowIfeelabouther,but

that breaks my promise so I settle for dipping my gaze to her mouth and wishing. “I
know.”

“Youdo?”Hervoiceisawhisper.
“Yes.Itwastoohotbetweenus,toointensefortheretoberoomforanyoneelse.”I

grip her chin and squeeze, controlling my desire to claim her. “When my cock was
insideyou,andIlookedintoyoureyes,weweretheonlytwopeopleintheworld.”

“Yes. Exactly.” Her hand comes up to my shoulder. “I want to believe, but I don’t

knowhow.”

“AllIcandoisshowyou,Ashley.”Unfortunately,thenightofourwildsexplayed

intoallherfearsaboutherself,reinforcingshewasthekindofgirlyousleptwithfor
one night before going on to another, better woman. I can’t change that, but I can at
leasttrytoexplainhowIfeelabouther.Ireleasemyholdonherjaw,runapalmover
her shoulder and pick up her hand to put it over my heart. “I wish I’d known, that I
hadn’t gotten so carried away and courted you properly. All I can do is ask you this
question,ifthiswereaboutsex,ifIonlywantedyouforanight,whyamIhere?Why
amIintroducingyoutomyfriends?SpendingeverysecondIcanwithyou?”

Shesucksinabreath.“Idon’tknow.”

Ipressherpalmharderintomychestandmeethereyes.“YouknowifIkissedyou

rightnow,you’dmelt.ThatIcouldhaveyouinmybedbythetimeittakestogetback
toourhotel.ButI’mnottakingadvantageofthefactthatIcouldprobablymakeyou
comerighthereonthebeachwitheveryonewatching.I’mlettingyoudictatethat,and
doyouknowwhy?”

Sheswallowshardandlooksatmewiththosebig,brightblueeyes.“Why?”
“Because it’s not about getting you into bed. I know how to get you into bed. It’s

becauseyou’reimportant.Whatyouwantandneed,whoyouare,matterstome.”

Hereyeswellwithunshedtearsandsheclutchesmyarm.“Thankyou.”
“There’snoneedtothankme,that’showit’ssupposedtobe.”
“Iknow.”Sherelaxes,fractionally,andIthinkI’vemadeadifference.
OverherheadIseeJacewavingtome.Isqueezeherhand,steadyandfirm,over

mybeatingheart.“They’resignalingusover,Ithinkit’stimetosnorkel.”

Shenods.“Okay.”
Westandandshedashesintothesea,dunkingherselfunder,Ipresumetowashthe

sand away and I watch her. Her hair streaming wet down her back, yellow bikini
highlightingallthatgoldenskin,andmychestsqueezes.

Icouldlovethisgirlsomeday.AndIthinkshecouldlovemeback.
Ifsheletsherself.IfIcanmakeherbelieve.

CHAPTERNINE

Ashley

fterourtalkonthebeach,thingshadchangedbetweenChristopherandme.Itwas

excitingandterrifyingandreal.

Iwanttograbholdandneverletgo.
That day, and the two days that followed, have gone down on my list of the best

days of my life. I slipped into the group of Christopher’s friends like I’d been part of
themforeverandIlovedit.Lovedthem.WiththemIwasfree.Ilaughed.Talked.Had
fun.

Butmainly,itwasChristopher.
Afterourtalk,we’ddroppedthepretenseofbeingjustfriends.Hestillhadn’tbroken

his promise, still hadn’t kissed me or seduced me into his bed, and I understood he
wouldn’t,thatthemovewasminetomake,andhe’dwaitaslongasnecessaryforme
tobeready.Buthe’dheldmyhand,strokeddownmyback,rubbedafingeroverthe
curve of my shoulder, put his hand on my leg so I silently screamed for him to go
further.

AndasmuchasIwantedtogivein,I’menjoyingtheanticipation.
This morning when he’d been on his early break, he’d called me and asked if we

couldgotodinnerjustthetwoofus.Ididn’thesitate.AsmuchasIlovedhisfriends,I
foundmyselfwantingtobealonewithChristopher.

Inpreparationforthenighttocome,I’dspentthedaypamperingmyself.Ikepttrue

to my quest, which surprised me. I’d taken another yoga class, with the pretty
instructorXavierwassleepingwith.I’ddoneaguidedmeditation,satbythepooland
readoneofmybooks,beforegettingamassage,manicureandpedicure,andwax.

I’dgoneintotownandboughtadress,aslinkypalepinksundressthathighlighted

mynewtanandclungtomycurves,dippinglowonmycleavageandleavingmyback
bare. It was a dress meant to seduce, and that’s what I wanted. Not because of some

game, not to get Christopher’s attention, because I already had that, but I wanted to
showhimhewasworthmyeffort.

JustasIsmoothedthedressovermyhipstherewasaknockatthedoor.Ilookedat

myself in the mirror, liking what I saw. My hair was loose, curling gently over my
shoulders, my makeup light, enhancing my sun-kissed glow. I looked pretty. Exactly
how I wanted. And best of all, I’d lost the desperate glint in my eyes that had been
doggingmeformonths.

I’ddonethat.Not,Christopher,me.
Ismile.Hewasgoingtoreapthebenefits,butitwasallme.
Iwalkoverandopenthedoor,thesmilestillonmylips.
Thesecondoureyesmeet,tensionfillsthesmallspacebetweenus,cracklingonthe

air.Amuscleinhisfinejawticksasheskimsthelengthofme,slowlyanddeliberately,
makingmeshiverwithdesire.

Helooksgorgeous.Hisbutterscotchhairabitdisheveled,hismelted-carameleyes

hot,hisshouldersbroadinawhitebuttondown,hipsleaninapairoftanlinenpants.
Theoutfitshouldmakehimlookharmlessandboring,butitdidnoneofthosethings.
Instead,theneutralcolorshighlightedthecolorofhisskin,andmasculinefeatures.

Iwanttoeathimup.Devourhim.
“Hi.”Mytoneisabittoobreathless.
“Hi.”Whenhisattentiondipstomybreastshepauses,andhiseyesrakeoverme,

making my nipples tighten to hard, points clearly visible under my dress. He cocks a
brow.

Iclearmythroat.“Areyoureadytogo?”
I’mnotsureifit’sbecauseweknowwe’llbealoneallnight,butelectricityshimmers

andsparks,distractingme.Makingmewanthim.

“Yeah.”Hisvoiceishoarse,growlyanddelicious.
“Ijustneedmypurse.”Iturnandwalktothedressertograbitbeforecomingback

tostandinfrontofhim.

Hecontinuestostareatme,almostlikehe’sneverseenmebefore.
Ishiftontheballsofmyfeet.“Iseverythingokay?”
“You’regorgeous.”
Iflushwithpleasure.“Thankyou.”
“WhatamIgoingtodowithyou?”
Ismile.“Um...takemetodinner?”
He tilts his head out into the hallway. “I will. But first you need to understand

something.”

“Yes,Christopher?”Iaskinmysweetesttone.
Hetakesmyhandandraisesittohismouth.Hisbreathissoftovermyknuckles,

and the press of his lips makes my knees quiver. When he lifts his head from my
fingers, he says, “The way you look makes me feel completely uncivilized. I am
determined to be a gentleman, but you have to know, the leash I have on my baser
instincts is starting to fray. So, as unbelievable as you look, maybe you could put
somethingelseontohelpthecause.”Heflashesmeadevilishgrin.“Thatisifyouhave
anykindnesswithinyou.”

OureyeslockandIknowit’sgoingtobetonight.Atsomepoint,I’mgoingtoslide

over to him, press my mouth to his and ask him to take me. I’ve thought about my
quest,myvowsandIbelievethem,butIalsoamtryingtolistentomyself.

Idon’tthinkChristopherandIaregoingtoworkout.
I don’t think we’ll last through this tropical paradise. Because the outside world is

nothing like this. It has responsibilities, commitments and time restraints. He spends
longhoursatwork,andIhavethingsIneedtodo.TimeInolongerwanttowasteon
pursuitsthatdon’tmeetmylong-termgoals.

Maybe it’s not very modern of me, but I want a husband and kids, a house in the

suburbs.IwanttogotoPTAmeetings,andbitchaboutmyin-lawswhileIpushababy
ontheswingatthepark.

Christopher has other priorities right now and I can’t wait four or five years for

thoseprioritiestoalign.

But that’s okay. That’s life. And it doesn’t change what’s right in front of me, here

and now. It doesn’t change wanting to give myself this night, and the next couple of
nightsuntilwehavetoreturnhometoreality.

IwantChristopherforme.Nottolurehim,orplayagame.Nottoreplacesomeone

else.Iwanthimforme.Becausehe’samemoryIwanttogivetomyself.He’ssomeone
whodemandstoberemembered.

Ismile,andshakemyhead.“Ilikethedress.Iwanttowearit.”
Hiseyesdarken.“Eventhoughittorturesme?”
“Yeah,that’sthebestreasonofall.”

Christopher

It’sgoingtobetonight.

ThetruthofitfillsupalltheemptyspaceatthetablewhereAshleyandIaresitting,

adarkenedlittlecorner,withawhitetableclothandcandlelightflickeringoverhersoft
skin.

I’ve never seen a woman look so beautiful. Not even her on the night of the

engagementpartywhenI’dbeensocaptivatedbyher.Iwanthersobaditborderson

obsession.

I’msittinghere,onoursecondbottleofwine,watchingherlaugh,mythoughtsfull

ofallthethingsI’mgoingtodotoher.I’mexertingeveryounceofwillpowerIpossess
tokeepfromclaimingher,fromtakingwhatshe’sofferingmeinallways,butone.

Under the table her knee brushes mine. I grasp it, stroking my fingers over the

sensitivefleshbetweenherlegs.

Sheshuddersundermytouch.Andeverythinggoesstill,exceptformymovements

overherskin.

Herthighspart,invitingmehigher,butIdon’taccept.
Sheneedstoaskme.Needstotellmewithherlips,andnotjustherbody.Iwantto

prompther.Toaskherthequestionthatwillforcethewordsfromher,butIdon’t.

Ithastobeherchoice.Herdesire.It’stheonlywaytofulfillmypromise.
She licks her lips, and parts her legs wider, shifting closer. I continue my lazy

perusalbutgonofurther.

Sheshimmiesinherchair.Squirms.“Christopher?”
“Yes?”Isitnow?
Shesucksinabreath.“Doyouwanttodance?”
There’ssoftmusicplaying,andasmallfloorwherecouplesareswayingtotheslow,

seductivebeat.Isqueezeherkneebeforereleasingtotakeherhand.“I’dloveto.”

Withoutwords,thetensionthick,wewalktothecenterofthefloorandItakeherin

myarms.Iclenchmyteethasherfingerswalkapathupmybicepsbeforegrippingmy
neck.

Shetiltsherheadback,lookingupatme.“Thankyou.”
Myheartskipsabeatatthewhisperedwords.“Forwhat?”
“For being so wonderful.” She presses into me, her legs entwine with mine. “For

making this trip better than I could ever have imagined.” She drops her head to my
shoulder.“Formakingmeremember.”

I hold her tighter, and it’s like she’s seeping inside me, filling up places I hadn’t

realizedwereempty.“Andwhatdidyouremember?”

She’s silent for so long I don’t think she’s going to answer me before she speaks.

“WhoIam.WhatI’mworth.”

“AllIdidwastreatyouexactlyasthewomanIseedeservestobetreated.”Iruna

hand up her spine, over her shoulders to curve around her jaw and lift her face to
mine.“Butyou’rewelcome.”

Herattentiondriftstomymouthandshetakesasmall,quickbreath.“Iwantyou.”
“Iwantyoutoo.”Ibrushmythumboverthelineofherjaw.“Youhavenoideahow

much.”

“Yes,Ido.”Sherisestohertiptoesandplastersherselfagainstme.“I’mready.”

Thenshepullsmyheaddown,kissesme.
AndI’mfuckinglost.

CHAPTERTEN

Ashley

ismouthishotonmine,makingmedizzy.

Hefreezesforafractionofasecondbeforehislipsturnaggressiveanddemanding.

Thepassionwe’vebeenkeepingatbay,thathadbeensimmeringbetweenusfromthe
firsttimeIsawhim,explodesbetweenus.

I press my body into him. Molding myself to him, sliding against him like he’s a

missingpuzzle piece. The clickof him, falling intoplace, calms everything inside me,
evenwhiledesirehumsinmyblood.

ForthefirsttimeItrustmyself.He’sexactlywhereI’mmeanttobe.
Thekissturnsdesperate.Allthepent-uplustwe’vebeenignoringfordays,coming

toarapidboil.Iwanthim,so,sobadly.

MorethanI’veeverwantedanyoneinmylife.
Hegrowls,lowinhisthroatbeforeheputshishandsonmyhipsandripshismouth

away.Hewhispersagainstmylips,“Ashley,weneedtogetoutofhere.”

Breathless,Inod.“Yes.”
Hetakesmyhand,andleadsmebacktothetable,justintimetoseeourfoodhas

arrivedandthewaitersarestandingthere,waitingofustoreturntoourseats.

Christopherglancesatme.“Wouldyouliketoeathere?Ortakeittogo?”
I can’t explain, but I love that he asks me this. That he’s not assuming my

preference because he’s ready to take me to bed. That my feelings, what I want and
desire,matterstohim.Itconfirmseverythingaboutmychoice.Isqueezehisfingers.
“Togo.”

Hesmiles,tugsmeclose,andbrusheshismouthovermine.“Good.I’dratheryour

firstorgasmbeinprivateinsteadofatthetable.”

Isuckinabreath.He’ddoittoo.Hewasn’taboveit.AndIlikethatabouthimtoo.

WithhimIcanbecompletelyunrestrained,freeandabandoned.

That’swhatIcraveabouthim.
BeforeIcananswerhe’stalkingtothewaiter.“Couldwegetthistogo?”
Thewaiter’sexpressiondoesn’tevenflicker.“Ofcourse,sir.Wherewouldyoulikeit

sent?”

“Room 1428,” Christopher says, naming his room, and without waiting for

confirmationheturnsandwewalkthroughthetables,andoutthedoor.

Hedoesn’tspeakaswewaitfortheelevator.Whenthedooropensit’sfullofpeople,

andamusclejumpsinhisjaw.Wesqueezeintothecorner.

His hand slips from mine, sweeping over my waist, traveling over the base of my

spine,beforemakinghiswaytomyhipwherehisfingersdigin,hotandpossessive.

Igulp.Nerves,excitementandanticipationrunthickinmyveins.
Helooksdownatme.
Ourgazesmeet.
And, right here, in the elevator surrounded by too many people, something sweet

andheartstoppingfillstheemptyspacethatseparatesus.

Ishiverwiththeknowledgeofit,withthestrength.
Hepalmsme,hishandstrongandsteady,hiseyesneverleavingmine.
He’snotafraid.Hewantsthis.Wantsme.
Ilickmylips.
Wantsus.
AndIwantittoo.
Thechimeforourfloorfinallydings,andthemomentisover,andwe’releavingthe

crowdedcarfortheemptinessofthehallway.

Ihopethisisn’tinmyimagination.He’slikeadream.EverythingI’veeverwanted,

everneeded.

We walk down the hall, and he opens the door with the keycard, and we enter a

roomthat’sareplicaofmine.

NowthatI’vemadethefirstmove,andthesealisbroken,IfindI’munsurewhatto

do next. I go stand by the balcony’s sliding glass doors. He’s left them open, and the
warm tropical air brushes over my skin. He comes up behind me, cupping my
shoulders,beforeskimmingdownthelengthofmyarms,makinggoosebumpsrisein
hiswake.

With one hand he sweeps my hair over a shoulder and brushes his lips down the

curveofmyneck,softandunhurried.

Mycoretenses,mynipplespulltight.
Thestrengthofmylustalmostfrightensme.BecauseI’mstartingtofeartheworst,

thatI’mfallingtoohardandtoofast.

Againsttheshellofmyear,hesays,“Icanhearyouthinking.”

“I’mnervous,”Iadmit,contenttotellhimthetruth.
His hand wraps around my waist, and he presses an open-mouthed kiss to my

throat.Histonguesweepsagainstmyskin,makingmegasp.“Why?”

Ilickmylips.Icantellhimthings.Idon’tneedtohidemyfeelings.Aftersomany

yearsofplayingitcool,ofpretending,it’saluxuryIdon’ttakeforgranted.“Thefirst
timeIdidn’tknowwhatitwouldbelikebetweenus,butnowIknowwhatI’minstore
for.”

His fingers work the hem of my dress up my thighs. “And what are you in store

for?”

Ileanagainsthim,seepingintohisstrongframe.“You’regoingtorockmyworld.

I’mgoingtobeleftsweatyandshaken.”

“Andsatisfied.”Hesqueezesmybarethigh.“Openforme,Ash.”
I spread my legs, and he traces the edge of my panties, white cotton and skimpy,

andImoan.

“You leave me shaken too.” Slow, tortuous movements, back and forth, along the

fabricseam,nevergoinganyfarther.

Iarch,desperateforhimtogotowhereIneedhimsobad.“Ido?”
Isthatbreathless,needyvoicemine?
“Yes.”Heworkshiswayintothehem,slidingovermybareskin.Histonguepresses

intomypoundingpulse.“Ididn’texpectyoueither.I’mjustgrateful.I’mnotgoingto
questionmygoodfortune.”

His fingers dip farther, and when he brushes over my clit I groan. It’s been an

eternitysincehetouchedme,andI’vebeenwaitingforever.

“You’resowet,Ash.”
“Foryou.”
“Givemeyourmouth.”Hisvoiceisgruff,raspingalongmyskin.Drivingmecrazy.
I turn my head, lifting my chin, my lips already parted. The second our mouths

meet,playtimeisover.

We’realone.
There’snobodytostopus.
Tointerrupt.
Andlikeourfirstnighttogether,wegoatitlikewe’reprisonersofwarbeingfedour

firstmeal.

Hisfingersbeginafast,relentlesscircleovertheneedybudbetweenmylegs.
Icryintohismouthbeforekissinghimharder.Moreurgently.
Iturn.
Hisfingersleaveme,andhegrowls,beforeheslamsmeupagainsttheglassofthe

balcony.

Iclimbuphim,desperatetogetcloser.
Hisheadslants,deepeningthemeldingofourmouths,andIseepintohim.
Iwantmore.Needhim.
Unwilling to break the contact of our lips, I arch into him and he seems to

understandbecausehetakesmyhipsandthrustsagainstme.Werock,mouthshungry,
ourbodiesgreedyandmindless.

I want closer, but his cock feels so good against my aching center I don’t think to

pullaway.Hishipsgrindintome,pushingmecloserandcloserandclosertoorgasm.

God,notlikethis.Imanagetoripawayandgasp.“Pleasestop.You’regoingtomake

mecome.”

He fists my hair in his hand and yanks. “You’re going to come all night, over and

over.”

“Yes.I—”Hiskisscutsmeoff,andmythoughtsscatter.
Weattackeachotherlikewe’resomethingferalandnotquitehuman.
Hepicksmeupandmylegswraparoundhiswaist.Hestumblesustothebed,and

wetumbledownonit.

Heripsaway,skimmingovermybodywithhishot,hungrymouth.Heyanksdown

thestrapsofmydressandthenhismouthisonmybreast.

HesucksdeepandIcryout,tugginghimcloser,urginghimon.
Helavesmynipplewithhistongue,androughlypusheshishandbetweenmylegs.
“Christopher.” His name rings out on the air, sounding lost and vulnerable and so

needy,butIdon’tevencare,becauseit’sexactlyhowIfeel.

Idon’twanttohideit.Iwanthimtofeeleveryounceofmydesire.
Hemakesasoundinthebackofhisthroatandjerksmydresstherestoftheway

downmybody.

“Yes,godyes,”Icallout.Lostinthefeelofhismouthandhands.“More.Iwantyour

cock.”

“Fuck.”Thewordisguttural.Thenhe’srearingupandstrippingtheshirtfromhis

chest.

Ikickawaymypanties,asheshucksoutofhispants.Hegrabsacondomfromthe

nightstanddrawerandripsthefoilopenbeforeslidingthelatexoverhiserection.

Thenhe’scoveringme.Hismouthdemanding.Insistent.
Makingmemindless.
Heliftshislipsandsaysagainstmine,“Thisisn’tmyplan.”
Iarchmyhips.“Idon’tcare.Ijustwantyouinsidemesobad.”
“Youdrivemesodamncrazy.”Heshifts,hiscockrubbingalongmyslick,swollen

opening.

Igrasphiships,lettingmynailssinkintohisskin.“Takeme.Pleasetakeme.”

Hegrowls.“You’regoingtomakethisuptome.”
“Yes.Later.”Ibowupattheexactmomentheslamshome.
Webothgroanattheconnection.
Nothing has ever felt as good as him. I grip him harder, raising my knees so he’s

deeper.

Hegraspsmyhipsandthrusts.
Ikeenassensationcrestsovermyskin.“Harder.Please.”
Hepicksupspeed.“Openyoureyes.”
Iblinkopenandourgazeslock.
Hisexpressionisharsh,thebonesofhischeeksaslashacrosshisface.Hepounds

intome.“Mine.”

“Yes.” It’s not just a word he’s saying, it’s a primal promise, and it sinks into my

chestandheart,fillingmeupinawayI’veneverexperiencebefore.

Hemovesharder.
Faster.
Deeper.
Weneverlookaway.Idon’tknowifIevenblink.
BecauseI’mcaptivatedbyhim.
EverythingabouthimspeakstoaplaceinsidemeI’vekeptlockedawayandhidden.
MybodyclampsdownandthenI’mcoming.Theorgasmrisingandbreakingover

myskin,crashingthroughmybody,inhard,rhythmicwavesthathavemecryingout,
myvoicehoarseandbrokenasthemostintenseclimaxI’veeverhadstealsthevery
breathfromme.

Hegroans,kissesmylips,andthenloseshimselfinpleasure,mynamesweetonhis

lips,seepingintomyheart,intoblood,intomyverysoul.

I’mexactlywhereI’msupposedtobe.
InChristopher’sarms.
AndIneverwanthimtoletmego.

CHAPTERELEVEN

Christopher

wakeinthedeadofnight,coldwithoutAshleypressedtomyside.Eyesclosed,my

handreachestotheothersideoftheking-sizebedtofinditempty.Ijerkintoastateof
hyperalertness,boltinguprightandglancingwildlyaroundtheroom,searchingforher
inthedark.

Unease crawls over my skin, I flick on the light, finding the room empty. I look

towardthebathroomtofindthedooropen,thespacedark.

She’snothere.
Whywouldsheleave?
Afterthenightwe’dhad?
It had been better than the first time, and I’d believed that impossible to top. We

kneweachothernow.Icareabouther,Iwanttobewithher,anditturnsouteveryone
isright,feelingsdomakesexbetter.

I’d taken her over and over again. In the bed, on the floor, on the dresser, in the

shower,waterstreamingdownourbacks.Onthebalcony,I’dtakenherfrombehind,
herfingersclenchedontherails,myhandoverhermouthtoquellhercries.

Later,backonthebed,I’dlookeddeepintohereyesasshe’dorgasmedaroundmy

cock,andI’dkissedawaytearsthatslippedontohercheeks.WhenI’daskedherwhy
she’dbeencryingshe’dshakenherheadandsaidshedidn’tknow.

AndIunderstood.
What happened in this room was beyond sex. Beyond attraction and chemistry.

Deepdownwhereitmatteredmost,Ashleyfeelslikeshebelongstome.

Iknowshefeltittoo.Itwasintheexpressiononherface,thedevotioninherblue

eyes,theskimofherhanddownmyback,andthewayshegaveherselftomeutterly
andcompletely.Withoutreservation.

So,whereinthehellisshe?

Ipickedupthephoneandcalledherroombutthereisnoanswer.
Idialhercellonlytobemetbyhervoicemail.
My heartbeat kicks up hard in my chest and I get up, storming around the room,

lookingforanyclueastowhereshe’sgone.

Idon’tcareifsheruns;I’mcomingforher.
I don’t care if she’s older than me, or about her quest to give up men and find

herself.She’salreadyfoundherself,withme.

Ifsheinsists,I’llwaittheyearforher.Idonotcare.I’llthrowmyselfintoworkuntil

she’sready,butIwillhaveher.

Idragahandthroughmyhairandgooutonthebalcony,hopingtheairwillcool

myheadallowmetothink.Igripiron,lettingitbiteintomyskinasIstareoutoverthe
beachandcrashingwaves.

Andthat’swhenIspother,outinthedistance.
Hershouldersareslumped,herarmscurvedprotectivelyaroundherselfandshe’s

staringintothewater.She’swearingthedressfromlastnightandshe’sstandingthere,
lookingoutintothefathomlessocean.

Shedoesn’tlookhappy.
Worrystormsthroughme,furiousandfrantic,andinthatmomentitdawnsonme

howmuchIcareabouther.Howmuchshe’scometomeantomeinthisshorttime.
AndhowmuchIwantherinmylife.

IthinkI’minlovewithher.
I’vealwaysfollowedmyinstincts.Alwaystrustedmyfeelings.AndIknowwhatis

burningaholeinsideme.

It’slove.EveryonewillthinkI’mcrazy,butIdon’tcare.Ashleyisitforme,andI’m

goingtotrustmyfuckinggut.

Iturnfromthescene,andasfastasIcan,IgetdressedandI’moutthedoor.
I’mgettingmygirl.

Ashley

Iclutchmyphone,myshouldersshakingasIsob,staringintothevastocean.Ihaveto
go soon. My flight is in four hours, the first available, and I have to force myself to
movefromthisspot.

ButIcan’t.I’mnotready.
BecauseIknowonceImove,lifeisgoingtotakeover,andallthiswillend.Itwillbe

likeadreamthatneverhappened.

Theuniverse,itappears,onlyhasashortrespiteinmindforme.AfterI’dfalleninto

anexhaustedsleepI’dwokenbythesoundofmyphonegoingoff.Mystomachsank,
becauseatfourinthemorning,I’dknownithadn’tbeengoodnews.

Itwasmymom,mydadsufferedaminorheartattackandhewasinthehospital.

Thedoctorsaidhewasgoingtobeokay,butIcantellbythetrembleofhervoiceshe’s
scared.

Soit’stimetogo.Myfamily—mydad—needsme.
Ineedtobewiththem.ButIknowwhatitmeans.
ThistimewithChristopherhascometoanend.I’mnotgoingtobegiventheluxury

oftherestoftheweek.

Ineedtogoandheneedstostay.
NowIneedtomakemyfeetmove.AllIneedtodoistakethesteps.Ineedtopack.

AndthenIneedtosaygoodbye.

I’m not going to slink away this time. I’m going to face Christopher, because my

feelings deserve that. At least I’ve learned that much in this brief time. I might be
destinedtopickmenIcan’thave,butI’mdonepretendingtoplaysomestupidgamein
ordertotrapthemintostayingwithme.

Someonegripsmyarmandswingsmearound.
Iscream,flingoutmyhandininstincttowardhimoff,onlyformyotherwristtobe

restrained.

Heartpoundingoutofmychest,IlookupintoChristopher’sangryface.“Ashley.”
Assoonasmystomachleapswithjoy,Ipromptlyburstintotears.
Hisbrowfurrowsbuthepullsmecloseandwrapshisarmstightaroundme.“Baby,

what’swrong?TellmesoIcanfixit.”

It’ssolikehim.Whatmakeshimsowonderful.IneedtostepawaybutIcan’tyet,

becausehemakesmefeelsafe.LikeIcandoanythingaslongashe’swithme.

Whichiscrazy,buttrue.
Herubsmybackinslow,soothingcircles.“Ssshhhh.Tellmewhat’swrong.”
IthinkIlovehim.
I don’t trust it, or me, because I’m so foolish when it comes to my feelings, but I

knowI’veneverfeltanythinglikethisbefore.AlltheyearsIwastedonTrevorarejust
that—awaste—nothingcomparedtoChristopher.

Ihiccupagainsthischestandburrowincloser.“M-myd-dadhadaheartattack.”
Immediatelyhestiffens.
TearsfalldownmycheeksasIsteelmyself.Ididn’twanttotellhimbecauseIknow

howresponsibleheis,andIdon’twanthimtobeobligated.

“Ash,Christ,I’msorry.”Hekissesthetopofmyheadandthenhegoesdirectlyinto

doctormode.“Tellmeeverythingyouknowabouthiscondition.Whereishe?Who’s
thedoctor?I’llcallCamandwe’llfindoutifwecangethimmovedtomakesurehehas

thebestcare.”

Cameron, Christopher’s oldest brother is a cardiologist, one of the best heart

surgeonsinthecity.

IpullChristophercloser.“TheyliveinOhio.He’sokay.Itwasminorandtheysay

he’sgoingtobeallrightifhedoeswhathe’ssupposedtodo,butmymomisscared.I
needtogobewiththem.Myplaneisinfourhours.IneedtogetpackedsoIcanleave.”

He tilts my chin and forces me to look into his handsome face. “You scared me. I

thought you’d left again.” He kisses me. “Let’s go. We’ll figure out what needs to be
done,we’llgethimmovedtoChicagoandIpromisebetweenmyfatherandbrotherhe
willgetthebestcaremoneycanbuy.”

“Thankyou.”Isuckinabreathandblowitout.Thisisit.Idon’twantittocome,but

here it is. I need to let him off the hook. “You’re so sweet, but you need to stay and
finishyourconference.Thisisn’tyourproblem.He’llbeokay,mydad’safighterand
he’llmakeit.Youdon’thavetoworryaboutme.Stayandhavefun.”

Hepullsbackandgripsmyarms,shakinghishead.“Ashley,you are my problem.

I’mcomingwithyou.”

“It’sokay.Youdon’thaveto.”Ibitemylipandlookaway.“Iappreciateit.ReallyI

do,butit’snotnecessary.”

Hedropshisarmsandtakesastepback.“Whatexactlyareyousaying?”
Ihugmyself,alreadymissinghiswarmth.“I’msayingyouneedtostay.”
“Isthatwhatyouwant?”
Iwanttotellhimthetruth.Iwanttolaymyfeelingsbareforhim.Buthe’snotlike

Trevorthisway.Trevorwouldtakeanyexcusetorunoutonabadsituation,he’dback
away as fast as he could from anything that even hinted at feelings. But Christopher
isn’tlikethat.He’scaring.He’sresponsibleandethical.IfItellhimIwanthimtocome
withme,he’llfeelobligated.Idon’twantthatforhim.

Ilookbeyondhisshoulder.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Maybethisisthewaythingsneedto

be.Maybeacoupleofcrazydaysinparadiseisallweget.It’snotlikewehaveafuture
together.”

“Andwhydon’twehaveafuture?”Hisvoiceissoft.
I shiver against it and shake my head a little. “I mean, come on, think about it.

You’ve got a crazy schedule. You need to focus on your residency and then you’ll be
startingyourcareer.That’swhatyouneedtofocuson.I’mfiveyearsolderthanyou
are. You’re a doctor; you understand the reality of my situation. I don’t have a lot of
timetowasteanymore.It’sbiology,andifIwanttothinkabouthavingkids,Ineedto
thinkaboutthesethings.”

Isteelmyself.ImentionedtheKword.Awordboundtosendanyguyscreamingin

panic.

“That’sbullshit.”ThewordsarehardhitstothechestandIjerkmyattentiontohim.

Hepointsatme.“You’reterrifiedbecauseyouknowthisisreal.”

“I—”
Hecutsmeoff.“I’mgoingtoaskyouasimplequestionandyou’regoingtogiveme

thetruth,doyouunderstand?”

Hopeandfearflutterinmychest.“Okay.”
HegripsmychinandholdsmyjawsothatIcan’tlookaway.“Doyouloveme?”
Thequestionshocksme.MypulsespeedsupandIsputter.“T-that’sridiculous.We

hardlyknoweachother.”

“Answerthequestion,Ashley.Doyouloveme?”
Panicspeedsthroughmybloodattwohundredmilesperhour.“Ididanswer.We

haven’tknowneachotheraweek.Howcouldyouevenasksuchaninsanequestion?”

His eyes glint. “It’s a yes-or-no question. If the answer is no, tell me. But don’t

fuckinglietome.Yesorno.Doyouloveme?”

The“no”tremblesonmylips,fightingtogetfree,becauseIwantsobadlytodoright

byhim.Awarwagesinsideme,Idon’twanthimtofeelobligatedtome.Idon’twant
himtobetiedtomewhenthat’snotwhathewants.ButIwanttotellhimthetruth.

Foronce,inmystupid,sorrylifeIwanttotellsomeonehowIreallyfeel.
And just like that the fight seeps out of me. My shoulders slump. My jaw loosens.

AndIunderstand.Itdoesn’tmatter.Whathedoesorfeelsorhowherespondsisn’tthe
point.

I’mthepoint.AndIwanttobetruthful.Iwanttoriskitall.BecauseI’mnevergoing

tobehappyuntilIrealizetheonlypersonIcancontrolisme.

Ideservethechance.
Tearsfillmyeyes.“Yes.Iloveyou.”
No qualifications. No caveats. No excuses. Just a simple, straightforward answer

withnoapologies.

Hisgripsoftens,andhisfingersrundownmyjawtocurlaroundmyneck.Heleans

downandkissesmesoftlybeforewhisperingagainstmylips,“Iloveyoutoo.”

Iclutchathisshoulders,mythroattootighttospeak.
“Iknowit’scrazyandIdon’tcare.”Hekissesmeagain.“AllIwantistobewithyou.

Everythingelsewilljusthavetoworkitselfout.”

I nod and choke out, “Okay.” The words tremble at my lips and I say them, not

caringthattheysoundneedy.Iamneedy.Andthat’sokay.“Doyoupromise?”

“Ipromise.”Hislipsmeetmine,stealingmybreathandmyheartinonefractionof

asecond.Ifeelhiscommitment,deepdown,sinkingintomybones.

Heliftshishead.“Comeon,let’sgetyouhome.”
Inod.

“I’lltakecareofeverything,okay?Youjustfocusonyourdadandyourfamily.”He

sweepsmyhairbackandfeathersatouchovermycheek.

Iseeitinhiseyes;hewantstodothis.Wantstotakecareofmeinmytimeofcrisis.

Wantstorelievemyburdeninsteadofaddtoit.Imoldmyselfagainsthim,lovinghis
solid,steadystrength.Howhegroundsandcentersme.Imakehimmyownpromise.
“Youwon’tbesorry.”

“Iknow.”
“I’mgoingtodoeverythinginmypowertomakeyouahappyman.”
Hecocksagrinatme,myboyishdevil.Hewinks.“I’llremindyouofthatpromise

whenIwanttonameourfirstchildsomethingweird,likeBoaConstrictor.”

Ohmygod,hewantskids.Withme.InwardlyIscreamwithgleewhileIbatathis

arm.“Likeyou’regoingtogetanysayinthat.”

“Ohno?”Hechucklesandgrabsmyhand,andwestartwalkingupthebeach.
Ispin,walkingbackwardssoIcanlookathim.“LikeanygirlI’vehadmychildren’s

namespickedoutsinceIwassix.”

Hegroans.
Ilaugh.“Soyou’realreadysorry?”
Hetugs,andItumbleintohisarmswherehekissesmelonganddeep,promising

meabsolutelyeverythingIhaveeverwanted.Hepullsawayandtucksalockofhair
behindmyear.“Never.You’remine.Andwe’reinthistogether.”

“Good.”It’ssettledthen.
It’sbacktomyreallife.Onlybetter,becauseit’swithhim.

Heythere!

Thankssomuchforreading.

IhopeyouenjoyedthefirstbookoftheLoveandOtherDisastersseries,THEWALKOF
SHAME,asmuchasIenjoyedwritingit.AshleywasasidecharacterinmyUndone
seriesandasshesays,shewasthegirleveryonelovestohate,butI’msogladIwrote
herstoryandshegotherhappilyeverafter.

Doyouwanttofindoutmoreabouttheseries?Joinmeonmywritingadventures?
Signupformynewsletterandbethefirstintheknow.Findoutaboutupcoming
releases,getthefirstlookatadvancedchapters,participateinexclusivegiveawaysand
bonuscontent.

Tosweetenthepotyougetnotone,butTWOstoriesforfree!Notonlywillyouget
CRAVE,bookoneofmyUndoneseries,butyou’llalsogetatopsecretbonusstory,
featuringTedandShelly,thatisavailableONLYtomynewslettersubscribers.Ihopeto
seeyouthere!

Signuptoday!

http://jenniferdawsonauthor.com/newsletter/

NTERNET

TALKING

ADE

ASY

Sometimesit’sjusthandytohaveeverythinginoneplace,don’tyouthink?SinceI’ma
considerate author, here’s some helpful links to that will help you find me as we
wandertheInternet.

INKS

FIND

Jen’sWebsite
NewsletterSignup(Freebooks!Yay!)
FacebookPage
TwitterPage
Instagram
Pinterest

Ifyoureallylikeme,youcanalsofindmehangingoutwithmypeepsinmyFacebook
readergroup,Dawson’sDaringDarlings.Welaugh,chat,talkaboutbooksandIdo
grouponlygiveawaysforfun.

JoinMyPrivateFacebookGroup

ALSOBYJENNIFERDAWSON

WantmorewhileyouwaitforthenextLove&OtherDisastersbook?Tryoutmyotherseries…

TheSomethingNewSeries

Smalltown,contemporaryromancewithabigcitytwist.

HeadOverHeels-CominginFallof2017

TheUndoneSeries

Romanticeroticathat’sallaboutthejourney.

Taken-Comingin2017

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

JenniferDawsongrewupinthesuburbsofChicagoandgraduatedfrom
DePaul University with a degree in psychology. She met her husband at
the public library while they were studying. To this day she still
maintains she was NOT checking him out. Now, over twenty years later
they’re married, living in a suburb right outside of Chicago with two
awesomekidsandacrazydog.

DespitegoingthroughalightFM,poemwritingphaseinhighschool,Jennifernevergrewupwantingtobea
writer(shehadmorepracticalaspirationsofbeinganinternationalsuperspy).Thenoneday,sufferingfrom
boredomanddisgruntledwithabookshe’dbeenreading,shedecidedtoputpentopaper.Therest,astheysay,is
history.

Thesedays,Jennifercanbefoundsittingbehindhercomputerwritinghernextnovel,chasingafterherkids,
keepinganeverwatchfuleyeonherevergrowingto-dolist,andNOTcheckingoutherhusband.

TableofContents

TitlePage
Copyright
PraiseforJenniferDawson
Blurb
1.ChapterOne
2.ChapterTwo
3.ChapterThree
4.ChapterFour
5.ChapterFive
6.ChapterSix
7.ChapterSeven
8.ChapterEight
9.ChapterNine
10.ChapterTen
11.ChapterEleven
Thanksforreading
InternetStalkingMadeEasy
AlsobyJenniferDawson
AbouttheAuthor

Document Outline

Title Page
Copyright
Praise for Jennifer Dawson
Blurb
1. Chapter One
2. Chapter Two
3. Chapter Three
4. Chapter Four
5. Chapter Five
6. Chapter Six
7. Chapter Seven
8. Chapter Eight
9. Chapter Nine
10. Chapter Ten
11. Chapter Eleven
Thanks for reading
Internet Stalking Made Easy
Also by Jennifer Dawson
About the Author

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