True Love Way by TeamBella23

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6428102/1/

Chapter one

EPOV

September 1995

"Who is she?"

"I don't know?"

"Is she going to be at school tomorrow?"

"I don't know?"

"Is she our age?"

"I don't know."

"That's Bella Swan, twerps. New police chief and his family moving in next
door…mom says she's your age Edward." my older sister Alice messes up my hair
as she passes, waving towards the new family. "Maybe she can be your girly
friend."

Jasper, Emmett and I were riding our bikes like we do everyday. Doing awesome
flips and building jumps in the forest across the street from our houses…

"Where are you going?" I yell out to my sister who is backing out of the driveway
in her purple beetle.

"Out." she yells.

"Girls are gross." I yell back. Jasper and Emmett agree.

"Come on let's go play before we have to go inside." Jasper trades his bike for his
skateboard, taking off down the road in the opposite direction from the new girls
house.

"Dude, its just a girl…stop looking at her like that, it's strange." Emmett
comments. "Wait. You like her…you do, I can tell. Edward has it sweet for the
new girl."

"I do not." swatting him in the chest.

"What do you think she's listening to?" he asks.

"I don't know." but I wish I did.

"Come on, let's ride." Emmett pedals after Jasper.

The sun is going down, it's hot out. So hot I can see that Bella's dad is sweating
and her mom's face is red. Bella doesn't show any sign of discomfort but her

forehead is shiny. She wears a pair of ripped up, cut off jean shorts and a faded
black t-shirt with a design on it that I can't make out. Her feet are in a pair of
worn green Converse. Hair is a dark wavy brown. She has on a pair of circle
sunglasses that are the color of her shoes, and a portable CD player hanging off
her hip, a box in her hands.

She blows the biggest bumble-gum bubble I've ever seen.

Then she looks at me.

Bella walks from the moving truck to her front porch; bubble at her lips, green
glasses reflecting in the setting sun. Her mom calls her name but Bella ignores
her, placing the box labeled 'Bella's room' on the steps for her father to take.

She walks back to the truck, bringing the gum back into her mouth. Answering
her mom, she doesn't remove her eyes from me.

I feel weird, like my heart feels a little odd.

Only blinking, sitting on my bike, leaning onto my handle bars the rotation
continues. Bella walks boxes back and forth, blowing bubbles and staring.

"What are you looking at?" her dad asks, hand over his eyes to block the sun…he
spots me.

"No one dad." Bella answers, blowing another bubble.

He looks a little longer, menacing me with his eyes. She makes him go away.
'Don't embarrass me, dad' she says. 'You're so embarrassing.' Bella complains.
When he's gone, laughing as he goes, she turns back towards me; Blowing a
bubble and waves.

Sitting up straight, with my heart beating too, too fast…so, so fast I might tell my
dad to check it out later…I turn and chase after Jasper and Emmett because girls
are strange, even pretty ones who can make the most awesome bubbles I've
ever seen.

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Chapter 2

EPOV

September 1995

"I can drop you off, it's not like it isn't on my way Edward." Alice, lollipop in
mouth and little braids littered in her hair, pops her head in my bedroom.

"You're not even supposed to be driving, you're only fifteen." I say, grabbing my
new backpack off the edge of my bed, praying…oh boy, am I hoping Alice didn't
see me.

Her entire body steps into my room. "Hmmmm…."

"What Al? Leave me alone, I'm riding bikes with Em and Jazz." blushing; Man, I'm
blushing.

"I suppose with the chief of police living next door I should wait until I get a
license, but it's raining…were you looking out your window?"

"No."

Alice walks past me, smiling, smelling like grape. Lips a faint purple, finger nails
each painted a different color. "You should ask Bella if she wants to ride bikes
with you to school."

"No."

"It's a shame, she's so very, very pretty Edward."

I know, I've seen…Our bedroom windows share a lawn of grass between. I watch
her, sometimes I see her. She's been here three days and her walls are littered
with different posters. I've seen her dance; she sucks.

"Enjoy the sixth grade squirt, I love you." Alice walks by, smelling like that weird
herb she smokes. Herbs…she promises. 'If mom and dad ever ask its only herbal
incense, ok?' I believe her

"I hope you hate the tenth." I call after her.

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"Edward, raise your hand."

I do, I raise it but it shakes…can she see me quiver and quake?

"You can take a seat next to Edward, Isabella." Mrs. Alabaster tells Bella.
"Everyone, this is Isabella, she's new…be kind."

She spots my lifted, rickety hand. A smile as big as the sun develops on her rosy
lips. She's wearing pink circle glasses today, a peace sign drawn on her right
cheek. Her clothes look a lot like the ones she wore the day she moved in, Jasper
and Emmett make kissing sounds behind us.

"Hi." She tells me before sitting.

I drop my hand, shove my desk back and smash Emmett's fingers. This makes
Rosalie Hale giggle.

"My name is Bella, I live next door to you. I'm ten but my birthday is on
September thirteenth, so in ten days I'll be eleven. That makes me a Virgo."

Emmett and Jasper are hushed, if I listened very carefully I would be able to hear
my own heart beating. She speaks and it's lovely…

"My name is Edward and my birthday is September thirteenth too."

Bella smiles, chewing a piece of gum. "You know what that means… right
Edward?"

I shake my head. Counting her braids; braided hair like my herb smoking sister.

"It means we can have a joint birthday party."

"Edward, Isabella…time to keep it down." Mrs. Alabaster announces to the entire
class earning us ooohhh's and ahhhhhh's, strange looks and whispers.

Some time later after practicing our spelling, I nudge Bella with my elbow. "Do
you have a bike?"

She shakes her head.

Some time later, after we've practiced our math, she nudges my arm. "But I have
roller blades."

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Chapter 3

EPOV

June 1996

"Awww…we're always waiting on the girl, let's ditch her." Jasper complains,
rolling down the street, into the sunset on his skateboard.

Bella acts like she didn't hear him, she's used to it. Instead she offers me a lick of
her banana flavored popsicle. I decline, moving my bike with my feet while Bella
rolls on her blades, getting home back and forth from school takes us a little
longer with Bella now. Blades don't go as quick as bikes and boards do…But I
wait.

Today we went to the park after school, it was our last day of the sixth grade.
We're officially middle schoolers now.

"Have some patience Jasper Boy, patience is a virtue." Bella teases him.

"Blah, Blah, Blah." He teases back, stepping a foot onto the street to push himself
forward.

"Hey guys, no hands." Emmett zooms by, Rosalie Hale on his handle bars, her
blonde hair hitting him in the face. He doesn't care though, Emmett is sweet on
Rosalie Hale…don't tell him I told, but he is.

"Oh, I know Edward…it's written all over his face. Love, splattered all over him."
Bella tells me, licking her popsicle.

Today her circle sunglasses are magenta. I've been in her room, she has an
entire drawer full of them. All different sizes but all circle, her mom calls her a
gypsy. Bella wants to be a hippie when she grows up 'like Janis Joplin' Bella
always says. My dad tries to tell me no one can just be a hippie when they grow
up, I know he's wrong.

I nod in agreement, Emmett's got it bad. Listening to the sound of her blades
slowly hitting the pavement, she speaks. "You're my best friend Edward." and
"I'm so lucky to have you." I never ever get tired of hearing it…never. I feel the
same, I don't tell her as often, but I do and she loves it.

When we get to the house her dad is waiting for her on the porch like always. His
eyes menacing as always. "Will you be by the window tonight because I'll be
waiting, so will you be up?"

I tell her yes, she kisses my cheek and her dad calls me 'Boy' "Boy, you better be
watching after my girl."

"I am Chief Swan." I tell him, parking my bike in the lawn running upstairs to my
room.

My mom yells at Alice about her herbs, ignoring the fight I slam my bedroom
door shut. Sticking a chair under the door handle, pulling the string on the blinds.
Bella is already there.

'HI' her sheet of white paper with black marker says.

I wave. Opening my window, Bella does the same. "Hi." I say out loud.

With her hands under her chin, she changed her glasses from magenta to teal.
"Hi." she says back.

Yep, I got it bad. Like Emmett for Rosalie…I got it very, very bad.

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Chapter 4

BPOV

July 1996

Groaning in aggravation, frustration multiplied by one-thousand, Edward Cullen
frustrates me like no other; Boys are dumb.

"Come, sit by me sweet girl." Alice pats the spot next to her on the sofa. All of
the boys are playing Nintendo sixty-four. "Tell me what's wrong, forget he's my
brother because I see by those frustrated eyes, under those yellow sunglasses
that it's him who is making you oh, so mad."

I laugh, Alice must be smoking the herb again. She's my idol really, total free
spirit.

"He's ignoring me again, has been all summer. I'm tired of hanging out with
Emmett and Jasper, they smell like sweat and puppies."

"I heard that." Jasper warns, moving the controller cord…like it will help.

No one can beat Edward at Street Fighter II. Carlisle bought him a magazine with
all the cheat codes, he's a cheater but they don't know.

Alice takes my sunglasses off my face and puts them on hers, smiling…I notice a
slight gap she has between her front two teeth; it's cute. Very Janis like or
Madonna, depending on how she dresses.

"Boys will be boys, Bella." she puts her feet in my lap, hands me a bottle of violet
nail polish. "The secret is…you have to ignore him back."

Edward eyes me, I see him…Alice sees him.

"Mind your own business Edward, this is girl talk." Alice places my feet in her lap,
I'm a little embarrassed because Edward and I woke up early and went hiking
through the woods. Only where my mom could see me because we're not allowed
to go far, we chose to pretend she wasn't watching. My feet got a little dirty….

Alice doesn't seem to notice. She flips on the radio; Lynard Skynard's Free Bird
drowns out the noises the fighters make and we zone…she smokes some more
herb and I think I feel a little woozy.

"You need girlfriends, who are your friends other than those smelly, smelly rude
boys?"

"I shrug." Completely understanding.

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I can feel him staring at me. I can sense it through his window, the grass field
that separates our houses and through my window. Those violent green eyes,
oddly green. My dad says he's a freak, that his sister is a pot smoking hippie and
his dad is an over achieving doctor. He bets Edward's mom Esme, is some kind of
undercover pill popper.

Of course he didn't say this to me, I overheard him saying it to my mom. He's
just jealous. 'I don't want you over there without parental supervision Bella' he
told me 'I'm serious Bella, tell me you'll never smoke reefer.'

Janis Joplin smoked reefer.

Even though I can feel Edward looking at me through the windows and blinds I
am ignoring him like Alice advised. Trying on my new batch of sunglasses Renee
got me from the gas station. These aren't all circles, but stars and squares. Time
to change it up a bit.

Maybe he'll notice.

Twelve pairs of glasses later my dad knocks on the door saying that the freak is
here, What is he doing here and doesn't he have any respect for bedtimes?

"Its only six dad." leaving the pink star glasses on.

He grumbles that I have five minutes. That I'm only eleven and I don't need boys
coming to the door with puppy dog eyes and bad intentions.

I take my time to get to the door. Yep, following directions to a T. When I get
there I automatically feel bad. I'm such a bad, bad friend because at my door
stands Edward Cullen with a white sheet of paper that says 'I'M SORRY" and on
the side, all scrunched up and misspelled. '4 EGNORING U' in black marker.

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Chapter 5

BPOV

November 1996

Sweating, worried…panic. "Do not panic Bella, don't do it…this is ok." I speak to
myself. Ankles wide, knees pressed together and underwear around my calves.

Looking around the bathroom stall, pulling out tons and tons of toilet paper.
Wrapping that toilet paper around my blood soaked underwear. Biting my lip so
hard I might have to wrap toilet paper around that too.

"Crap." Tears forming in my eyes, ready to spill.

I got blood on my jeans, if I leave this bathroom they all will see. I'll get laughed
at, humiliated.

"Think, think, think, think Bella…." hitting my forehead with the palm of my hand
over and over. "You can't hide behind your sunglasses this time." I mumble,
standing up.

Toilet paper feels weird between my legs.

My hand is on the lock, girls walk into the bathroom so I sit back down and lift
my legs onto the toilet seat. Hugging them to my chest, I listen while they talk.
These girls are eighth graders. They flip their hair and put shiny stuff on their
lips. If they see me, my life will be over.

Ears ring, such a funny correlation but it's true. In stressful situations my ears
ring. I'm quiet, oh so silent until the girls leave. It's only after they are gone and
voices down the hall that I let my foot touch the ground. Unlocking the door, I
look around, stepping out from the safety that is the bathroom stall.

I wash my hands, trying to see my butt in the mirror. I can't, so I stand on the
toilet seat and look. Even through the blue lenses I can see the red mark on my
jeans and I don't even have a sweater. Edward told me to wear one 'don't be
dumb' he told me before we left but I wasn't cold.

But Edward was.

Allowing a few tears to fall, biting my nails until, they too bleed. I'm thinking,
thinking, thinking again. Where is Edward's class? What block are we in? How
much time have I spent in the bathroom?

Hiding my bloody jeans with my binder, I tip toe very quickly until I'm standing in
front of the art class. Looking through the small square window, Emmett see's me
first. Edward looks and waves, I call him over. Giving him the 'I need you really,
really bad' look.

He comes. I cry. He hugs and together we leave without a word to anyone.
Edward gives me his sweater, he understands and tells me to remember that he
lives in a house with two girls. That it's ok, it happens….

We walk in the rain, Edward's sweater tied around my waist and his arm around
my shoulders. We sing old eighties rock songs and whisper dirty little secrets
about people at school until we reach his home. He takes me upstairs into his
empty house, when we reach his mothers bathroom he hands me a box of things.

"Tampons." Edward shrugs, blushing like crazy. Blushing like a cherry.

"How do you use them?" I ask, stumped.

This is when Edward leaves the room. "I'll be out here" he tells me while he
makes a quick exit.

"But Edward, I don't know what to do." I chase him. "And I need a change of
clothes." I admit shamefully.

This is where I learn Edward Cullen's weakness. See, in this very second I just
discovered that Edward doesn't like shame…he gives me a dirty look. A filthy
look.

"Don't ever be ashamed Bella, never ever, ever." he grabs the tampon box. "Go
into the bathroom but I won't look, I swear to you I won't look."

This is also the day that Edward Cullen stood in the bathroom corner while
reading me tampon directions. He never looked, just like he said he wouldn't.

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Chapter 6

EPOV

September 1997

"So, you're best friends with Bella right…she's a little strange right? A little
different, a little peculiar? Does she talk to you…she's never said a word to
me…its been like two years since she moved here and she doesn't talk to me. I
offered her a cookie once, she blew a bubble in my face…so, is she your friend or
not?"

Bella got a ride to school from her dad today; today is September thirteenth, our
birthday. I'm waiting for her at parent drop off. I don't know why but her dad
insisted she ride with him in the police cruiser today. Jasper and Emmett were
happy…we got to school at a quicker pace because we didn't have to wait for her
to go slowly on her roller blades. She rolls at her own pace, a pace much too slow
for boys.

Not for me though, Bella is my best friend so I wait…but not today.

"She's not strange." I say to Mike Newton, wondering if she is.

"Oh yes she is, her glasses are weird. Wearing them everyday, people are
thinking she's a little unordinary."

"I like her glasses." I counter, smiling when the cruiser drives in. Chief Swan
giving me his deadly 'Boy' stare down.

He gets out of the car before Bella does, standing at the driver door…one foot still
in the cop car, a hand on the hood. "Hey Boy, get over here now, Boy."

Without a see ya later to Mike Newton I run over, Bella offers a small wave from
inside the car. Backpack at her chest, hair down and curly…huge orange glasses
on today.

"Morning, Chief Swan."

"Listen here Boy, and listen good." His mustache moves as he speaks. "Make my
daughter smile today, got it…do you hear me? Am I making my self clear Boy?"

I nod.

"You make her smile and you count those smiles, at the end of the day I want a
number…a number of smiles and for every smile I'll give you one of these." The
Chief holds up a snack-sized peanut M&M's.

I nod. "But what if I lose count."

She shakes his head. "No, not an option. Losing count of precious birthday smiles
is not a part of protocol…count those smiles, Boy."

"Yes, sir." looking into the car, smiling at Bella.

He ogles down at me, my eyebrows arch.

"It's your birthday too, Boy?"

"Yes sir, Bella and me share a birthday; September 13, 1984." I show him four
fingers.

He nods. Bella gets out of the car. I meet her on her side, she smiles but just
only. I think she is blue, I can see her mood is less than birthday great.

"Hi Edward." She mumbles.

"Hi Bella? Are you crying? Did someone forget your birthday?"

She shakes her head.

"I got you a present Bella." Digging into my pocket, pulling out her present I drop
them into her hand.

They are a little warm, a little linty but still sparkly; like her glasses.

Her face lights up. "What are they?"

"Gems, I got them from the museum. Reminded me of your glasses." sticking my
hands back into my pocket, there's one more. Its stuck to a piece of butterscotch
candy I was eating earlier so I spit on it, cleaned it off and gave her the last
green gem.

"These are very pretty…best present I ever got." her face saddens. "But I didn't
get you anything."

"That's ok."

"No, its not…here, have these." she takes off her orange circle sunglasses and
hands them to me.

Bella is uncomfortable without her glasses and I can see that she was crying, but
I accept them happily.

"Happy Birthday, Boy." I forgot the Chief was even standing there.

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Chapter 7

EPOV

January 1998

"Good morning Mrs. Swan, is Bella awake?" I stand at the door, Emmett and
Jasper grunting and groaning behind me.

We're going to be late for school.

Mrs. Swan looks at me with cautious eyes, but smiles to disguise it right away. "I
tried waking her up, I think she's sick. I'm not sure if Bella will be making it to
school today Edward."

My face falls...all the way to the porch. I hate when Bella doesn't come to school.
Jasper and Emmett pull and tug on my shirt, telling me we gotta go…we're going
to be late. We can't be late because we'll get detention….

"How about you try, you go up there Edward and see if you can wake her. I bet
you can, she is always so happy to see you."

My face lifts, all the way back to normal. "Ok."

Jasper and Emmett tell me they're out of here. They can't wait because girls take
way too long to get dressed. They each have mothers who spend all day getting
ready so they know, if they wait for Bella they'll be late for school. I tell them to
go ahead before stepping into the Swan home.

Emmett makes kissing sounds at me.

I take the steps to her bedroom, she is on the right past the bathroom. I'm never
allowed in her room. A few times Mrs. Swan let the rule slip when the chief wasn't
around but the door had to stay open. If the chief knew he would arrest me,
that's what he said. 'Boy, you want a quick trip to jail you go into my daughters
room. If you enjoy your free will stay out. Got it, boy?"

I'm risking prison time, but I hate it when she doesn't come to school.

Mrs. Swan encourages me to hurry, I open her door and can see the form of
Bella's body under her blankets in the dark room.

"Bella." I whisper.

Opening up her blinds just enough to let a little gray light in, she's sound asleep.
So I shake her. Shake her softly, then harder and harder.

"Bella, you have to get up…come on."

Her eyes open, she smiles. Starts pointing where her clothes are; Jeans on the
computer desk, sweater in the hamper and turquoise heart sunglasses in the
pocket of the jacket she wore yesterday. Socks in the drawer and shoes down the
hall in the bathroom. "Grab my brush while you're in there" she says.

So while she dresses, I brush her hair….and I don't look. I never look, just like I
said I wouldn't.

Together we stomp, stomp, stomp down the stairs. Saying good-bye to Mrs.
Swan together and fly out the door. Bella has that confused look on her face, she
usually roller blades to school but we don't have time.

"Jump on my handle bars Bella, we have to ride fast."

I pedal fast, really fast. I'm sweating but Bella is laughing loudly. Her arms are
extended out at her sides and her head is leaning back while she enjoys the
damp air on her face. The speed of my pedaling blows her hair in my face…I don't
care because it smells good.

Making it fun, I swerve my bike to the far right and to the far left. Bella screams
but laughs louder.

"Faster Edward, go faster." She yells, arms not at her sides but holding on tightly
to the bars.

I try; man, do I try…hearing her laugh does something odd to my insides. Makes
them twist and turn and burn. She looks down at me and I look up at her…when
she smiles so do I. I pedal into school, Bella holds on when we go over the speed
bumps. We're all wet but we're not late…we run to class and when we get there
Bella writes me a note and slips it to me.

'you make me happy.'

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Chapter 8

BPOV

March 1998

'CAN YOU USE THE PHONE?'

I knew I felt him at the window, I always feel him…it's past ten on a school night,
I'm supposed to be sleeping but I can't. Mom makes me drink warm milk before
bed, but it doesn't work. Some nights I just lay here thinking…mostly about
Edward.

'I CAN'T' I write him back, pressing my paper to the window.

He draws a sad face and shows it to me. This makes me laugh. Edward Cullen is
my best friend, my only friend. Jasper and Emmett are nice to me sometimes but
never like Edward. He's getting so tall, my dad even said so. 'freak boy next door
is getting big.' before adding. 'I can still take him on.'

Eighth grade is almost over; we'll be going to Forks High School next year. I'm
nervous but not…I have him and he keeps me safe. Besides, Alice smoked too
much herb and got held back. She'll be a super senior while we're freshmen. Alice
is kind to me too.

Edward and I stare at each other through the window for a long while more, I
yawn despite not being even a little tired.

'TIRED?' he writes.

'NO' I write back, so we stare longer.

I study the way his hair lays; disobedient and boisterous, his mom threatens to
cut it all of the time but never does. No way, cutting his hair would easily classify
as child abuse. It's too pretty to cut, a strong feature amongst great features.
Like his nose, such a perfect nose. I think mine is a little big, but to have a nose
like Edward's would nice. His eyes are green, mine are brown…everyone has
brown eyes but not everyone has green eyes. Especially Edward green, the way
he looks at me with those eyes is frightening. Like he is looking through me…so
determined, so persistent he is to make me smile.

'ARE YOU?' I write him.

"A LITTLE' he writes back.

It starts to rain, distorting my view of him but I don't look away. No way, I would
never look away from Edward. He makes me too happy and not much makes me
happy anymore. As we get older it seems harder and harder to make me smile.
I've always been a little different. A little odd, a little strange…my parents
thought it was cute as I was growing up but now it's constant questions.

Sighing. 'GO 2 SLP' I write him.

'NO." he writes back.

It's been like this, he stays up all night with me. He'll eventually fall asleep and
I'll watch him all night. Maybe I'll make him a mixed tape tonight, he reminds me
of such great songs. Whenever I'm not feeling right I think of Edward and great
songs. He's just a sound track of Elton John and Jimi Hendrix…But he's edgy like
the DOORS. A little Free Bird….

'EM KISSES ROSE' he writes.

'THAT'S GROSS.' I write back.

Tomorrow will be the same because our routine has changed, he'll wake me up
and ride me to school on his bars. I'll struggle to stay awake in class, Edward will
nudge me awake. He'll ask me if I'm ok, tell me I need more sleep…threaten not
to stay awake at the window with me. I'll smile and nod because that's all I can
really do when I'm that tired, knowing full well he's lying. Edward will stay awake
with me every night because that's what he does.

He does it because he's my best friend, my only friend…And he's fallen asleep like
he does every night.

'I LOVE YOUR SLEEP' I write, knowing he won't see it.

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Chapter 9

EPOV

July 1998

"Are you guys ready for high school?" my sister asks, behind our houses in the
forest…sparkler in her hands and herb hanging from her lips.

Bella and I nod, Bella has her own sparkler…she waves it around, drawing stars
and hearts in the air.

"I mean, I'll try to watch over you guys and stuff but I have my own things going
on, you know?" smoke floats in the air. My sister lights another sparkler with her
joint….

Yeah, she confessed. Told me I was thirteen, almost fourteen; that was old
enough in her eyes to be honest with her little brother about her habits and
hobbies.

"But you'll have each other, that's all you really need…stick to each other and
don't let anyone in. don't let anyone break up this thing that you too have

because at the end of the day there is only the other. Got it?" spelling her name
with sparkles. "High school is different, there's more people…they closed that
high school on the reservation, now all of those big, big rez boys will be there
too."

Bella giggles, the lights from the sparkles reflecting on her red circle glasses. Its
night, but she always wears them.

"I heard those big, big boys were trouble…stay away from them, do you hear
me?"

We nod, I light Bella another sparkler.

"Bella, you better not be out there with that boy!" the chief screams from the
back door of his home. "Boy, you better not be getting fresh with my daughter."

This makes Alice laugh.

"Shoot, I gotta go, gotta go fast…." Bella hands me her sparkler and kisses me on
my cheek before running off to her father.

I blush, then all of the blood drains from my face. Bella Swan just kissed me. My
hand touched my cheek, Alice starts to laugh harder.

"Edward, listen to me brother…if you don't ever listen to anything I ever say,
listen to this. There is something different about that girl, something that needs
to be handled with care. Never hurt her Edward, she isn't the kind of girl who can
be hurt."

I nod, hand still on my cheek.

After Alice's joint disappears I go back to the block party in time for the fire
works. Bella is sitting on her front lawn, knees up and arms around her legs. I sit
beside her, she smiles. The first of the fireworks go off, they aren't anything big
just a pack Chief Swan bought from Seattle but they light up Bella's sunglasses
so I like them so much better than the ones that go off at the park.

My parents stand on our lawn, yelling at my sister about smelling like herb. We
live next door to the chief of police Alice…does that mean nothing to you, Alice?
Have you no respect, Alice? They ask her over and over. Alice only smiles,
winking at me and Bella.

There are no words while we watch the fire works but I am aware of how close
she is, how her hand has fallen from her legs and sits palm up on the grass. I
clear my throat, unsure of what to do but knowing what I want to do.

I slowly drop my hand, it lies next to hers. She moves a little closer, I move a
little closer…we don't look at each other, no way. I do peek at her hand though,
her fingers twitch, palms look so soft.

As the fire works go off, my hand gets closer to hers until they are touching, side
by side. I swallow, hard. Breathing is a little hard, a little shallow like when I ride
my bike too hard.

I finally just do it…I hold her hand, mixing my fingers with hers. She holds on
tight and at first breathing is impossible and my heart is beating way, way too
fast. She doesn't move, I don't move and our hands are starting to sweat. After a
while we calm down, but don't look at each other. I hold her hand all night, even
when the fireworks are over I hold her hand because I can't imagine ever letting
go.

Not even when Chief Swan sees us and gets all red. Nope, not even then.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 10

EPOV

September 1998

First week of high school has been full of change and reorganization. My dad
trapped me last weekend, stuck me in his office and interrogated me. The
conversation went a lot like this…

"You're turning fourteen soon, Son."

"Yeah dad, Bella and me both."

He nodded a little, looking all doctor like. "Have you noticed any differences in
your body lately, son?"

Sure I had, there is hair in weird spots. Bella complains when I sweat too much.
She said I no longer smell like puppies but a nasty man. A nasty man who needs
to go into the house right this second and wash my body, she asked me what the
heck was going on, I only shrugged.

"Sure dad"

"But do you feeeeel different, Son?"

I had no clue what he meant.

"Do you feeeeeel certain ways towards girls?"

I still had no clue what he meant.

"Do you feeeeel funny whenever you see Bella, do you notice that she's changing
too, Son?"

Me and Bella hold hands a lot, whenever we can really, is her body changing? She
looks the same to me.

"You're almost fourteen, son…its time we have a talk."

"But we are talking dad."

"Talk about sex, Son."

That's where I ended that conversation. I spent that night at the window with
Bella, I didn't tell her about the exchange I had with my dad but I made it a point
to look at her body the next morning. Not while I was brushing her hair and she
was getting dressed but when we were at school…she looked the same to me.

It wasn't until today that I really noticed, and it wasn't even because I was
looking for any kind of change. It's because that change was brought to my
attention by another. Another who has no business looking for change in my
Bella.

"Bella sure did develop over the summer, Edward."

I look over where Bella sits in our Biology class, she has her yellow circles glasses
on today. Mr. Banner always tries to get her to take them off but she never does.
Unfortunately she is lab partners with Jasper and I'm lab partners with Mike
Newtown.

"What do you mean?" I ask, bothered.

"Her boobs dude, she has boobs."

I don't think, I act. Elbowing Mike Newton right in the mouth without a second
thought. The entire room gasps, Bella stands up with her hand over her mouth
and I see them.

Boobs!

This only makes me angrier, scooting my chair back I kick Mike Newton as he
holds his bloody nose. I kick him until Mr. Banner pulls me away and screams at
me that I need to go straight to the principal's office, straight there, no where
else. Bella tells me she's calling her dad, that everything will be ok.

I sit in the office, thinking about Bella. How could I miss such a development?
Now that I know they're there, I can't stop thinking about them. Chief Swan is
going to kill me.

"What happened here, Boy?" Bella stands behind her father, Mike Newton holding
a towel to his nose.

"He was talking mean about Bella." I'm so embarrassed.

His eyebrow arches, subtly showing me a fun sized peanut M & M's. "What did he
say, Boy?"

"I can't tell you." I blush, Bella is trying to look past her dad.

"There nothing wrong with defending a girls honor, Boy."

I shift, he's going to be so mad.

"Bellahasboobs." I divulge.

"Huh? Speak clearly Boy, I can't hear you."

"Bella has Boobs!" I'm so dead.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 11

BPOV

October 1998

"Bella, wake up…I got all of your clothes ready. I'll brush your hair carefully."
Edward is so polite, so attentive but today it's just not enough.

There isn't enough energy for me to get out of bed, I stayed up all night like
normal but today my chest is heavy and I am sad. So, so sad…too sad to go to
school.

"Tell me what's wrong Bella, I don't know what to do…." he sounds sad too but
not my kind of sad. Not the bone crushing, suffocating sad…a sadness that has
been building for a long time now.

A sad I can't overcome at this moment.

"Why are you crying, I didn't mean to make you cry…is it because you don't have
your glasses on? Which ones, purple…pink, green?"

I shrug, crying some more.

"Ok." his hands are in his hair, looking around my room. "I'll chose." Edward lifts
the blanket but only a little, only enough to expose my face and slip the glasses
on. "I like these green ones because they are the ones you were wearing the first
day I saw you…that was a special day to me. Don't tell Jasper and Emmett, they'll
make fun of me because of it. Even though I should make fun of Emmett for
kissing Rosalie Hale all over school…"

The green helps, makes the room darker and that's what I want.

"It's been three days Bella…." He whispers.

After he leaves I sleep, it's all I can do. My mom comes in and out of my room,
she speaks to me but I don't speak back. She asks me questions as she talks to
the doctor, I don't answer. I only want to sleep. Later that night my dad comes
home, him and my mom argue over my sadness. It makes me feel worse; guilty.

"What's wrong with her, Renee? You're with her all day…you have to know
something. What do you mean all she does is sleep? Make her get up. You're the
parent, she's the kid. Is it that freak boy next door, did he break up with her,
Renee? Of course he's her boyfriend…"

He doesn't understand but how can he if I don't? Mom made me a doctor's
appointment, hopefully this is curable.

"This isn't like the sunglasses Charlie, this isn't a little anxiety, Charlie. This isn't
a little girl who likes to be invisible, Charlie. This is real, this is serious. I'm
scared, really fucking scared, Charlie."

I'm scared, I'm sad…so, so sad.

Once the sun goes down I get out of bed, I'm not hungry but mom has left a
muffin next to my bed. Opening my drawer, my favorite gems sparkle. They
make me want to smile but I can't. Physically can't and this makes me sad all
over again. My joints hurt, eyes burn. I feel worthless and less than. My hair is
dirty and my mouth taste like yuck.

Opening the door quietly, my parents are down stairs watching TV. Sneaking into
the bathroom I clean up a little and come back to my room. My feet drag and
breath is hard to come by. Tears flow from my eyes for no reason and nothing
makes it better. All that happens when I lift my blinds and see that my beautiful
best friend looking back at me is crying…more and more crying because I am so,
so sad.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 12

EPOV

December 1998

"Jasper, has anyone ever told you how perfect your ears are?"

Bella and I share a curious look, before we start to laugh out loud…her forehead
falling against my shoulder. We're holding hands because that's what we do.

Jasper blushes before he shakes his head.

"How old are you now Jasper?" my sister scoots closer to him, Jasper stiffens.

"Ummm…Fourteen, like Edward and Bella."

We're in my sister's room, it's full of smoke and we're all feeling a little funny. My
parents went out to dinner with Jasper's parents. They invited Bella's parents so
Alice is watching over us. I argued that I'm fourteen and I don't need a sitter
anymore but Chief Swan tossed me the 'Boy' look and I shut up real quick. When
I realized Bella would be spending most of the night over here I really shut up.

"Fourteen? So we're like five years apart…" her face is so close to his cheek,
Jasper looks terrified. "Have you ever been kissed Jasper?" this is where Alice
loses her cool and laughs smoke all over Jasper's face and hair.

He swipes the smoke away before he starts to laugh. Bella scoots closer, a little
bit closer until our legs are touching. I look her in the eyes, through her aqua
square glasses…she runs her other hand, the one I'm not holding, through my
hair and it feels so, so good.

My dad keeps talking to me about body changes, and urges and impulses. Lately
I've been noticing all of those, and it's different than when Bella grew boobs. Now
I notice the way she bites onto her bottom lip, or her blush. Sometimes her pants
hang low or her shirt rises high. I like her neck, I like her eyelashes. Her teeth
aren't perfect but I like those too.

She makes my body do funny, funny things. Things that my dad says are natural.
Things my dad said are ok to take care of myself. Don't be ashamed, he said. It's
a part of becoming a man, all men do it Son, he said. I think of Bella when I do
those things…And it feels great. The best feeling in the word after holding Bella's
hand or riding her on my handle bars.

"Can I try that Alice?" Bella asks, looking away from me.

Alice searches her eyes for a second before handing the herb over. I watch,
consumed as Bella touches her lips with the joint. Jealous, envious maybe? I
want to touch her lips.

After Bella takes three puffs, she hands it to me. I look at my sister and she only
shrugs, so I do it…if anything just to be closer to Bella. The effects take place
quickly, by the time I hand it to Jasper I'm laughing and can feel my heart
beating rapidly. My face feels numb, my mouth dry but the way Bella is looking at
me is what is really zealous.

We stare at each other for what seems like hours. Every once and while she'll
blow a stray hair away from her face or I'll scratch my nose. It isn't until Jasper
and Alice's ear shattering laughter comes to a halt that we break eye contact; my
sister is kissing my best friend…

Bella squeezes my hand, when I look away from the insanity Bella's face is really,
really close. So close I can smell her breath, I lean closer…she leans closer. She
licks her lips, so do I. Our hands are still connected and that's the only touching
we are doing until our lips finally meet.

My eyes pop open for a split second, when I feel her tongue touch my lip. Closing
my eyes, I touch her lip with my tongue. We do this until our tongues touch and
our mouths open. Bella mouth is sweet, she tastes like bubblegum and weed. I
feel her teeth a couple of times, our tongues and lips glide and slide and
wrap…they linger and brush and feel. There is a whole lot of saliva but a whole lot
of something else too. My heart wants to detonate, her kiss gives me chills. Rocks
through my foundation.

I never want it to stop because she feels so…impulsive; gives me urges and
makes my body change. This is all ok, my dad said so…

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 13

BPOV

February 1999

They throw words around like depression, anxiety….helplessness and guilt. They
poke, prod and drain me. Shine lights in my face and ask me to pick out pictures
in blobs. I ask them how I can possibly make a picture out a black splotch on a
white board. They only nod, writing more down.

My mom cries and my dad touches my hair, he tells me everything is going to be
ok. He asks me how I feel. I tell him I'm fine, all of the jabbing and pushing is
aggravating. He tells me it's for my own good, that I'll be feeling better soon.
That none of this is my fault so if I'm blaming myself that it's not my fault.

Doctors ask me questions about my eating habits, my sleeping habits…this makes
me think of Edward. I want Edward, I want him badly. I don't want to be here,
I'm sick of being weighed and spoken at. Edward makes everything better, he
makes my sad better.

Depression; such a big word.

"When did you start feeling sad, Isabella?"

They had my mom leave the room, I'm alone…wishing I was with Edward.

I shrug because I don't remember, days kind of just amalgamate.

"Do you ever feel like hurting yourself, Isabella?" his legs are crossed, doesn't
look at me as he speaks at me.

I shrug again.

"Have you ever hurt yourself, Isabella?"

I shrug.

"Your mom tells me you're in high school, that your grades are dropping. Do you
do drugs or drink, Isabella?"

I stare at the ground, hating this man. Hating him for his stupid tone and his
awkward questions. I miss Edward and his hug. I miss his kisses because he
gives them to me all of the time. He holds my hand and kisses me, that makes
me not be sad anymore. He's the only thing that helps….

"No." I tell him, only because I don't want my dad to confront Alice about the
herb.

"Do you hear voices, do voices in your head tell you to do things?"

I laugh, I'm not crazy. I'm sad. "No."

He looks at me, does laughing constitute me as crazy? Because I'm sad I'm not
standard? I'm shameful? Better not tell Edward, he hates shame…. He would be
so upset to know he was kissing and hugging a girl so full of shame.

"Your father tells me chemical depression runs on his side of the family, do you
know what depression is, Isabella?"

"Sad?" I ask.

"Close, depression is, and tell me if any of this applies… depression is a
psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of
hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep and,
sometimes, suicidal tendencies. Do any of those apply to you, Isabella?"

I shrug. They all apply…except, I don't want to die. I would miss Edward too
much.

"It's ok Isabella, it's ok if it does because now that we know, we can help. Do you
want help. You must know this isn't your fault, it's only a chemical imbalance in
your brain… you were born this way, everything will be ok."

I want Edward.

"Tell me about your sunglasses."

I shake my head.

"Your mom says that when you were younger you didn't like people to look at
you. That you cried until she told you that the sunglasses made you invisible and
that you've never taken them off in public. That you own hundreds of pairs. Do
you feel invisible, Isabella?"

I took them off once, on our birthday. I gave Edward my glasses….

I shrug.

"Isabella, I'm going to write you a prescription for some pills that are going to
make you feel better, something more like yourself. How does that make you
feel."

It makes me feel like I want Edward.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 14

EPOV

April 1999

Dirt flies onto my shoe, I don't care….

"Edward, do you like kissing me. Do you ever think about kissing other girls? Girls
like Pepper Hill? She's more like you, don't you think?" Bella digs the stick into
the mud, more mud flings onto my shoe. "More perfect like the way you are, less
lacking like I am."

"Pepper is pretty." I tell her, nudging her with my elbow. "Long blonde hair,
perfect teeth, green eyes…." I watch Bella's face fall; putting my lips closer to her
ear. "But you know what?"

She smiles. "What?"

"She isn't you, I like kissing you." pulling away, her eyes sparkle under her pink
and black polka dot sunglasses. "You're my girl right?"

Unsure of labels, my heart echoes in my ears. I've been too afraid of asking, as
Bella has been so touch and go lately. She's always with me, we're always
together and I stay up with her every night but I can see the distance sometimes
and it scares me senseless.

She smiles, falling back on her butt, bare feet digging into the mud. We're in the
forest behind our houses. Fourteen, our parents don't allow us to go far or
anywhere by ourselves. Chief Swan knows we're back here, he pops M&M's in his
mouth as he walks by, pretending to do yard work.

He owes me five packs for today, my record is twenty-seven packs in one day. He
still owes me for that too.

"You like me like that Edward, even though I'm strange and have no friends?"

"You have friends." she has me.

"Emmett and Jasper only like me because you do. Rosalie Hale never talks to
me…that's it. Who else is there? People think I'm strange."

"Well, I don't." hitting her stick away, I hate this…I hate her pity and self-doubt.

"I keep you up all night, my parents fight because of my…because of my
sadness."

She goes somewhere else. Bella is right here with me but she is looking at
nothing, picking at the dirt with her fingers aimlessly. I touch her face, forcing
her to look at me. She does, and she comes back. I can deal with her sadness
because it doesn't seem so bad when I'm around.

"I like staying up with you all night, you're matchless…not strange. Don't you see
that?"

Bella rolls here eyes. "My dad gives you candy to make me smile Edward, that's
strange."

Putting an arm over her shoulders, kissing her cheek. "That makes your dad
strange, you I like. Be my girl Bella, I would be lost without you." sing songing,
only because I want to make her smile.

"You want me to be your girlfriend?"

I nod.

Bella looks away, then smiles. Then says ok. "Ok, I'll be your girlfriend, but we
can't be like Emmett and Rosalie Hale because they are gross."

"Deal." I agree easily.

"And I don't want anything to change, I like the way we are…It's just a
classification."

"Ok."

"And there's one more thing." Bella whispers, digging her fingers into the mud.

"Ok."

"I want to have sex."

Chief Swan must have sonar hearing, his head pops up from his pile of leaves and
we make eye contact. I get the 'Boy' look from across the yard. Two fingers to his
eyes, two fingers in my direction like he's saying 'Boy, I know what you're up to
and I've got my eyes on you' or 'Boy, your little prick wont go near my princess.'

I better talk to my dad.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 15

EPOV

April 1999

My dad looks at me like someone just told him there's a doctor's seminar in
Cambridge, Alaska and no one invited him…No, better…His face reminds me of
that time a grown man stole his stethoscope and he had to buy a new one. He
was so upset because it was his lucky stethoscope, his only lucky stethoscope
and some one had stolen it. Yep, that's what he looks like.

"Well, Son." he clears his throat, shutting the door so Mom doesn't hear our
conversation. "I told you your body would be changing but are you sure you're
ready for this?"

Bella wants sex, what's the big deal? It's natural, it happens…It's a part of
becoming a man. Dad confirmed all of this, now he's asking if I'm ready? I wasn't
ready for hair to grow on my balls but it still happened. I'm ready. I wonder how
many M&M's the Chief would give me if I made Bella smile during sex…those
have to count for double.

"Bella, said."

He looks at me, nods…Waiting. "Bella said what, Son?"

What? "Bella just said." for a doctor, my dad is clueless to what it's like being a
teenager. We live in a time of grunge and rock, it's officially been five years since
Kurt Cobain died and he's asking me if I'm ready for sex! He needs to go back to
school or maybe smoke some of Alice's herb.

"With Bella's depression, Edward I'm not sure if committing to a physical
relationship with her is very smart."

"Bella's depression?"

"Yes Edward, Bella is sick."

"Is she going to die?"

"No, she's just sad sometimes, Son."

"That's a lie, I make her smile all of the time." crossing my arms, he knows
nothing. I'm never coming to him again. "And dad, being sad isn't being sick.
Being sad is being sad."

He nods. "I still think you should wait, Son. There is a certain maturity level that
is required in making love."

I roll my eyes, Bella didn't say she wanted to make love. We're already in
love…she said she wanted to have sex.

My dad laughs, giving me a knowing look. "There is a difference between making
love and having sex, Son. They're basically the same but making love is more
special than just having sex. With your age and Bella's depression I don't think
it's an intelligent choice rushing into this. You can be her boyfriend and Bella,
your girlfriend without a physical relationship…You're only fourteen."

I get up and leave, I hate my dad. Going right over to Bella's, it's the weekend so
the Chief isn't here to give me dirty 'Boy' looks for being in his daughter's room.

I cross my lawn, then hers…up the few steps, I knock on the door hard because
I'm pissed. Mrs. Swan answers the door, she's licking a spatula with chocolate on
it. I want to ask her for a lick but I don't. Mrs. Swan moves right out of the way
because she already knows I'm here for Bella. I tell her thank you and go
upstairs.

Bella's room is dark. It's warm and lit only by hundreds of candles. The chief
would flip if he saw this and it would somehow be my fault. He would come up
here, open the door… evil eye me and say something like 'Boy, you trying to burn
my family's house down?' or 'You want us to be houseless Boy, is that what you
want?'

"Bella, you shouldn't have all of these candles lit." they are everywhere, on every
surface and appliance.

"Shhhh." she says from her bed, lime green square glasses on her face.

The radio is on, blasting Nirvanas Aneurysm. I turn it down, Bella sits up. She
tells me I don't have respect for the dead, she tells me to turn it back up right
this instance or she won't be my girlfriend anymore. Bella crosses her arms and
pouts her lip.

"Bella, you can't tell me you won't be my girlfriend anymore over a radio."

She smiles, patting the bed beside her. I sit and we kiss; tongues and wet and
sweetness. She holds my hand and at a lower volume we mourn the loss of Kurt
Cobain. Mrs. Swan brings us brownies. I eat one…Bella eats three.

"You're hungry today?" I ask, laughing at the chocolate coating her finger tips.

"Yes, I'm happy today."

"Bella, I gotta tell you something. My dad says we shouldn't have sex."

She shrugs. "What do dads know?"

"Bella, are you depressed?"

She shoves the rest of her brownie in her mouth, with full cheeks she nods.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 16

BPOV

MAY 1999

"You're going out with Edward, Cullen… Like he's your boyfriend? He's kisses you
and says nice things to you. You're going steady?"

I hate Pepper Hill.

"Yeah, he's my boyfriend." I mumble, hating her. Hating her so much because
she wants to take him from me. Doesn't she care that he's my only friend?

Pepper Hill and her friends laugh at me. Comment on my glasses, then call me a
freak. Why couldn't I be born like her. Perfect, happy and confident enough to
tease another person. I wouldn't classify myself as a freak. I'm not that ugly, my
hair is ok…I just let Edward brush it in the mornings but its not bad. I dress the
same as I always have, except now my t-shirts are a little tighter because I have
boobs and my jeans are tighter because my mom says my hips are expanding.

I wear my glasses because I have to. I'm not a freak. Maybe a little.

Edward doesn't realize though, he doesn't see how perfect he has become. He
ignores the way girls flock and gravitate towards him. His hair is perfect, his jaw
and those eyes…. I wouldn't hide behind colored glasses if I had those eyes. Even
the way he walks, like the way he's walking towards me right now screams
'popular school boy.' It's like he walks in slow motion, he runs his hand through
his hair and smirks.

One day he will get tired of staying up with me all night, then brushing my hair
and riding me on his handles bars. He'll realize how much better than me he is
and move on. But for now, he loves me and doesn't look at others…others like
Pepper Hill.

I hate Pepper Hill.

The closer he gets the bigger his smile is, I can't help but to smile back. What can
I say, he makes my freakish heart pitter and patter. It feels good to react that
way, I feel numb so much. He's stimulating and beautiful.

He comes closer and closer, I blush but Edward grabs my hand and kisses my
face. We have totally turned into Emmett and Rosalie Hale. We kiss all of the
time, hold hands and do gushy things at school. My mom says it means that he
likes me. My dad says he better never see the 'Boy' lay a hand on me… ever.

"I got you something." he whispers into my ear.

Pepper Hill is staring and her face is really red, like angry red.

"It's not even our birthday." sticking my tongue out at her.

Edward pulls away, holding my hand. "I know but I found this and I'm not telling
you where but I found it in a classroom… it reminded me of you. It's our secret
because I think the class room needed it. There were a lot of them, they won't
miss one. Especially this one because I knew the second I saw it that it was really
yours, not theirs."

"You can't steal presents Edward."

"Its not stealing if it's yours." from behind his back he pulls out a Peacock
feather. It's long, green and shiny. Pretty blues and some purples mix. I love it
and I cry.

"Baby, why are you crying." he asks, running his finger up the green feather.

"Because I love it, Edward." stupid pills, make me so weird.

He laughs; head leaned back and I can see all of his back teeth laugh. "Sweet
girl." he kisses my tears, lifting my glasses to look at my eyes. His face is so, so
serious, his knees bent to look me in the eyes. "You know what Bella?"

"No." sniffling.

"I love you…I love you a lot."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 17

EPOV

June 1999

"Bella….." waving my hand in front of her face, she sits at our lunch table with
her feet up and a yogurt in her hand.

She stares straight ahead, it's harder to see through her navy blue glasses but I
can. Her eyes are empty, she is distant. She didn't get much sleep last night.

"What's wrong with her?" Jasper asks.

"Nothing's wrong with her." I spit, turning my chair away from him and towards
her.

Taking Bella's yogurt, placing it on the table. Scooting her chair across the tiles
so that she is right up against me. "Where are you Bella?" I smile, whispering.

She blinks, smiles and then looks up at me. "Sorry, day dreaming."

"You're so pretty when you day dream."

She snickers, setting her feet back down on the floor. "You're such a sap."

"Sign my year book." kissing the inside palm of her hand; we already decided we
would do each others later.

Bella takes a pen, snapping it open beside my ear. She writes, I look and I'm not
surprised to see four little words…

'HAVE SEX WITH ME'

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

I'm waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting but she isn't coming. Everyday after school
for the last year she has met me by my bike, but today she late or isn't coming.
Standing with my hands in my pocket, I can't decide if I should go look for her or
stay here.

Jasper gave up and left. Emmett and Rosalie Hale are waiting but are getting
irritated.

"Edward." Rosalie calls my name, twirling a piece of hair around her finger.
"Edward, you go, we'll stay and wait, wait, wait."

Looking back over my shoulder, I thank Rosalie Hale and run. There are not
many reasons why Bella would be late. She doesn't have many friends other than
me. No after school activities, Chief doesn't let her do much. I'm it and I'm
worried.

Running to her last class, Algebra, I stop when I see her. Placing my hands back
into my pocket, feeling an anger I haven't felt since I elbowed Mike Newton in the
face. Bella doesn't see me as I become closer, she is still talking…like I'm not
even there.

Grabbing her by her elbow, not hard… I wouldn't do that. Just harsh enough so
she knows I'm here. "What are you doing?"

Those boys from the Reservation are trouble, she knows this… she knows but is
still standing here speaking to Jacob Black. Laughing at him, she giggled and I
heard.

"Nothing… sorry." Bella doesn't pull her elbow away, instead she introduces me.
"Jake, this is my boyfriend Edward."

He's taller, bigger… Intimidating but nothing scares me. "What's up Ed?"

Standing in front of Bella, still holding her hand but blocking his view of her.
"Stay away from my girl."

"Your girl?" he laughs.

"You heard me."

"Edward." Bella sighs.

Jake looks over me, winking at Bella. "I'll see you around."

Nothing she has ever done has made me feel apprehensive or jealous, never once
in five years. Things are different now, feelings are different. My emotions are still
changing. Being jealous is a normal in a relationship between a boy and a girl but
this is different, I can feel it….

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Chapter 18

BPOV

August 1999

"You guys are in love? Like love, love or kid love because there is a difference
between the two."

I'm at the Cullen's house with Esme and Alice, they're babysitting me. I'm almost
fifteen years old and still can't be trusted to stay home alone. My dad gave me
the concerned parent smirk and said 'maybe next time kid.'

Alice has been on the road all summer, following this indie band from Seattle.
She came back two nights ago with a tattoo and a few dreadlocks. Her nose is
pierced and she wears vintage clothes. She's so cool, she even bought me a shirt.

"Well, we say I love you most days. He's nice to me, holds my hand. Edward is
my boyfriend, I'm his girlfriend." I shrug, picking a string on my shirt.

"Hmmm…." She ponders, still smoking the herb. "Has he seen your boobs?"

"What? No." covering my chest with my arms.

Alice throws me a sly, sneaky smile. "Edward told me you want to have sex,
Bella." smoke comes out of her nose, inhaled through her mouth. "That's such a
big, big word for such a small, small girl. Do you know what it means to have
sex, to share that part of yourself with a person?"

"I don't know, I guess."

"Can I ask you why you want to Bella?" when I don't answer, she sighs. "Does he
shimmy, shake your bones? Look at him Bella, over there laying concrete with
your dad. Edward, isn't a little boy anymore, he's a man…look at him."

I'm looking, swallowing hard. His shirt is off and hanging out the back pocket of
his jeans. He and my dad are laughing. My dad grunts words a lot. Our drive-way
was cracked. Dr. Cullen thought it would be nice for Edward to help.

"Sex is so cheap Bella, making love is prettier. Kids who love and have sex too
early fuck everything up but if it's love-love, I think you're going to be fine."

Nodding, I stare at Edward. He drops the last bag of cement on the ground.
Wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, he looks at me and my bones
shimmy and shake. He waves me over, my dad looks over his shoulder and
grumbles something to Edward. Edward's 'Yes, Sir' is audible.

"You're all sweaty." I giggle; sounding like Pepper Hill.

"Busy Bella." Dad mumbles, flattening wet concrete.

Edward pulls me to him with my wrist. "I love you like no other." he says so, so
softly.

"I love you too." tenderly back.

He bends down, I bend beside him. A finger to his lips he asks me not to say a
word, a secret…the first of many to come. His mouth at my ear, his face is pink
beneath my glasses.

"See my hands, follow me, but be quiet." two palms, ten fingers hover above wet
cement.

He nods, I follow his direction. Four palms, twenty fingers hover above wet
cement. Edward mouths 'one, two…three.' and at the very same time we press
our prints into the concrete. Deeper and deeper; cement covers my fingers and
squishes my palms.

Edwards are so much larger than mine, long fingers and strong veins. After
another one, two, three we pull our hands away and we are forever in cement.
Edward lets me wipe my hands on his pants, he grabs a stick in the mud and
writes our names and the date under our hands. I add the little heart between
the two.

Alice stumbles her way over, stealing the stick from Edward. "Give it to me
brother." she bends between Edward and me and above our hand prints writes
'Alice hearts weed' then drops the stick and walks away.

"Hey, Boy get off your lazy …What the fuck, Boy?" Charlie drops whatever he was
holding, I'm laughing but Edward looks really scared.

My dad stands over where we are bent; he's studying our hands and the words,
giving Edward the eye. "Alice hearts weed…is that some kind of gang talk? Boy,
get your sister over here. I think we need to have a talk."

We nod.

"Why is there a heart between your hands, kids?"

We shrug.

My dad laughs, a deep and rough laugh. A hold your belly because it might just
break, kind of laugh. "Boy, you have some beautiful hands."

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Chapter 19

BPOV

June 1999

"Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound." getting off of his bed, shutting his
bedroom door.

Alice is sitting again, it's the last day of summer and school starts tomorrow.
Parents are out school shopping and my dad is busy doing Chief of Police stuff.
Edward lies on the bed like I asked, his eyes are closed. I turn the radio up,
straighten out my hair and get back onto the bed.

Taking his hand, his breath hitches but I ask him to keep his eyes closed. He
doesn't but his hand is shaky, consumed with what's to transpire… placing his
hand on my chest, his eyes snap open, wide open.

"Bella." he doesn't remove his hand.

"Are you scared? Because I'm not."

He shakes his head but I can tell he's nervous. Dropping his hand, Edward
hitches himself onto his elbows to watch what I'm doing. The room is purple, my
glasses are hearts. Up on my knees, I pull my shirt off and show Edward Cullen
my bra for the very first time.

His head falls back. "I'm dying, I'm dying." he whispers.

My hands are behind my back, he looks at me and for the first time Edward
Cullen can see my boobs.

Neither one of us is breathing, not for about ten seconds. He is looking at my
chest; I'm looking at his face. He blinks and blinks and blinks….

"The greatest." he smiles, this time putting his own hand on me.

Carefully lowering me onto my back, Edward lays at my side. We kiss while his
hand stays on my left boob. I want more. I want him to touch me. Our cheeks
are red and the room is stuffy from our breathing. Trying to situate myself so he
gets on top, Edward won't budge.

"Why are you afraid of me?" I moan as his lips travel down my neck, onto my
collar bone. "We love-love Edward, it's enough."

He doesn't speak, his green eyes come and look at me while his lips move further
down my chest. I watch, lips brush over my shoulder, down the right side of my
right boob. I gasp, because even that feels different.

Slowly, slowly, slowly his mouth gets closer to my nipple. I can feel his breath on
it, wet trails lead right up to it…and finally he is there. Warmth surrounds, wet
and tongue and licking. Fire shoots between my legs, my hands have to cover my
own mouth.

Edward is gentle at first, but then his hand squeezes a little harder and he sucks
a little deeper. I can feel his tongue doing flips, circling and kissing. It's the way
he kisses me on my mouth but he's doing it on my boob instead.

He trades sides, the abandoned nipple shines in the light. Edward's saliva is on
my nipple, fire shoots again. This time I moan and I can feel Edward smiling
against my boob.

Hot, everything is hot as a fever. He rattles my bones. I can taste it, taste what it
will be like to have sex with him. He is strong, his movements are tough. He
would handle me, love me…Take me. God, his sex is on fire.

I can't wait, I can't wait another day.

"Edward…. "I'm touching everywhere and anywhere.

"Now?" he asks, lifting his head. Pouty lips, red cheeks.

I nod.

It's decided, I can see he wants it too…Until the slamming door of a police cruiser
echoes from outside. Edward jumps up, throwing my bra in my face… we are all
over the place, limbs and shirts and legs. He pulls my shirt over my head while I
try to snap my bra back on in the back.

At the same time our backs hit the pillows, his bedroom door opens and a very
suspecting Chief gives us both the 'Boy' look

"'Nothing." Edward yells, pillow over his lap.

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Chapter 20

BPOV

August 1999

"Dude, I saw your girl talking to those rez kids again. I know she saw me looking
at her, she saw me and waved but continued to laugh at that Jake kid. He's bad
news Edward, really bad news and shouldn't be talking to Bella." Emmett tells me
between pizza bites.

We're back in school, second day and Bella is already rekindling her friendship
with Jacob Black. I'm sitting at our lunch table, the same table from last year. I
have our lunch, I have our seats but I have no Bella.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I'm becoming inpatient with her. Emmett and
Rosalie Hale are feeling bad for me; Jasper is oblivious to everything like he
normally is. Jazz just goes with the flow, his life is easy… being with Bella is
proving hard.

Depression and her pleas for sex, M&M's and now Jacob Black…it's a lot to
handle. I'm angry. She makes me so angry.

"There she is dude, don't tell her I told you. I don't want her mad at me."
Emmett hides behind his pizza, Rosalie Hale is looking from the corner of her eye.

Bella and I have never had a fight, but I feel like fighting because I told her
already, stay away from Jacob Black. She is changing though. Not changing like
before when she grew boobs, her personality is changing. My dad said it happens
to teenage girls. Especially teenage girls who have chemical imbalances. Dad
says that being a teenager is already difficult; Being a teenager like Bella is
exceptionally problematic. Each day is different, they rebel he says, they look for
confirmation and acceptance. He told me I have to love her especially close
because she needs guidance and support.

How can I guide and support if she won't listen to me? Why would she listen if
she doesn't understand?

I kick the chair out for her, Bella's head is down and she hides behind her hair
and glasses but she smiles at me and the rest of the table. Chewing a piece of
gum, blowing bubbles as she sits, she is wearing pink, oval glasses today. Bella is
so pretty, but I'm mad.

"Why were you talking to Jacob Black?" I blurt irately.

Emmett coughs, Bella blinks rapidly while she looks at my face through her
glasses.

"He's my friend." she says defensively.

Her friend? I'm her friend… And just like that Bella broke my heart. She doesn't
call many people friends, it's hard for her to admit that Emmett, Jasper and
Rosalie Hale are her friends but so easily Jacob Black is?

Scooting my chair back, it makes a screeching sound against the tile floor. I get
up and walk away from my girl who I love so, so much. I can't stand to look at
her and that's never happened. I need space, just for moment I need some air.

I walk through the lunch room's double doors, it's cold out. I keep walking and
walking, shaking my head and fisting my hands. She didn't follow, which is good.
I do circles around the school, ready to fight. Wanting to say mean things,
craving to hit Jacob Black. The lunch bell rings and I have History with Bella after
lunch, but I'm too upset; I'm ditching.

I head towards the very back of the school to hide for the hour and when I get
there Pepper Hill is leaning against the back of the building smoking a cigarette.
She looks at me and laughs.

"Want to try?" she offers.

My dad says not to smoke but I'm so angry I do anyways, and I like its calming
effect. I take another hit. She tells me to slow down, slow down because first
time smokers can get sick if they're not careful. This makes me laugh and it feels
good to laugh. Pepper Hill smiles, taking the cigarette back from me. I can see
why Bella is so jealous of her; she's stunning in a blinding type of way. Not
naturally like my girl, there is an effort in her beauty. It's appreciated, just not by
me.

"Want to meet here tomorrow?" She asks, shaking her pack of cigarettes.

I know its wrong, but I'm so angry at Bella I agree…. If she can do it, so can I.

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Chapter 21

EPOV

November 1999

"Not today Edward."

"Can I go up and see her?"

Mrs. Swan sighs. "Edward, not today."

I nod, an indescribable weight on my heart. Bella hasn't been to school in two
days, the Chief was over to speak to my dad last night. They were whispering
about episodes and unstoppable crying. I wasn't supposed to be listening but she
hasn't been at the window, I'm worried.

"Will you tell her I love her, tell her to call me as soon as she is feeling better?" I
ask, my exhaustion catching up with me so early in the morning.

This makes her smile, tired eyes and yawning face… smiling. "You know I will
Edward."

Bella and I don't ride the bike to school anymore, we walk. Walking alone is
lonely; being at school without her is lonely. I stayed up all night, waiting for her
to open her blinds but she never did and now I'm suffering the consequences…
I'm so tired.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

When I get home she's waiting for me, bright eyed and barefoot at my door step.
Bella runs as soon as she sees me, slamming into my body and kissing my face.
It feels so good to touch her, I'm so happy to see her but so tired I can hardly
stand.

"What's the matter, are you ok? Edward, talk to me." her hands are on my face;
looking through her green circle glasses, sometimes I just want to see her eyes.

"I'm just tired, Baby." I assure her, taking her hand and leading her into my
house and up to my room.

Falling face flat onto my bed, I feel her weight beside me. "It's a job to be my
boyfriend isn't it? I'm a hassle."

Cracking open an eye, she's staring at me with a torn expression. I want to tell
her its not, and that I understand and love her regardless. That I understand
she's sick, I'm here… I'm always here and I'm never going anywhere but I'm too
tired to tell Bella she can count on me. My eyes won't stay open, I can't even
bring myself to shake my head no at her.

That absent look is there, as she pulls the blankets over my body after taking off
my shoes. Bella lies beside me but not as close as before. I hate the distance but
I'm so tired… I can't say anything; like I missed her today or that I like her
glasses. My eyes are drifting closed, they become heavier and heavier… she's
holding my hand and I want to wipe away her tears I just can't, I'm too tired.

Bella tells me she loves me, she tells me she is so sorry for making me so tired
and that she'll try to be happy. She'll try anything because she loves me and
hates the purple beneath everyone's eyes; she knows it's her fault that there's
purple. Bella asks me if I can understand that she was born this way, it's not on
purpose but she'll try harder. She'll be stronger.

I hear her words with closed eyes, my body is completely relaxed and warm.
When I wake up I'm going to tell her that I know that none of it is her fault. I
love her too and that's unconditional. My love for her is absolute. I'll explain to
her that I stay awake because I want to, because I care, because she's my girl.

Mine.

Right now I'm just too tired, I just need to catch up but tonight I'll be by the
window and it will be like normal. Tomorrow we'll walk to school like we do most
days and everything will be ok. If she'll just lay here with me, when I wake up
Bella will know all of these things.

I just can't tell her right now.

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Chapter 22

EPOV

December 1999

"You smell like smoke."

Kissing... I could kiss her forever. Slowly bringing the strap to her shirt down,
kissing her shoulder. "No, I don't."

"Don't you?" Bella relaxes her body so I can get the rest of her shirt down.

I've seen Bella's chest twenty-three times. I count because each time is better
than the last, I could swear they've gotten larger, my dad would probably say
something like teenage girls continue to develop into their twenties. I don't ask
my dad questions anymore.

"I don't Baby." unsnapping her bra, kissing under her jaw.

I meet Pepper Hill behind school everyday and Bella doesn't know. It's become
more than that though, she gets me my own packs now. I smoke a couple times
a day, it helps. Bella has been doing well for the last four weeks but I continue to
be up every night with her. I worry, smoking just helps. I'm fifteen; I should be
able to do what I want. Bella wouldn't agree and its not an argument I want to
have.

Uncovering her right breast, I'm getting hard. Bella and I have been talking about
sex since we were fourteen, I'm ready…I want her and the craving gets harder to
resist every time we fool around.

"Maybe it's from when we were down at the party." Bella moans as my lips brush
lightly over her nipple.

It's New Years Eve, our parents are hosting a party. Everyone's drunk, Alice
promised to keep a look out for me and Bella. This could be the night.

Spending some time at her chest, Bella helps me get my shirt off. Her cheeks are
red; she still has her purple circle glasses on. "Bella, take them off." coming back
on top of her.

Her hands come between us, she's unbuttoning her jeans.

"No, your glasses Bella." I whisper into her ear, trying to be understanding but
frustrated with her entire situation.

She sighs loudly, I feel her become uncomfortable but she does it. Bella takes off
her glasses and places them to the side. I smile before kissing her, keeping my
eyes open to look at hers. She's so beautiful, I hate that she feels it's necessary
to hide behind those glasses.

Her pants are unbuttoned and unzipped. Pulling them down her legs, I tell her I
love her so much. So fucking much and she laughs because I said the 'F' word.
It's true, I say, kissing her knee. "You're the only one for me"

Bella's underwear are next, she is breathing heavily… I've never seen girl privates
in real life. I'm mesmerized and hypnotized. Bella whispers my name, lying
beside her my fingers run between her folds. Bella's back arches, it's like a
button. I touch and rub and feel, a finger goes inside of her and it's so warm I
groan. Only one finger, that's all that will fit… I tried two and she whined.

"That feels good, right there Edward… It feels really good."

I have no idea what I'm doing; I follow the directions her body and her face give
me. Slower, faster… right there, too hard. My thumb circles on that button that
makes her squirm, my finger is wet and she smells so good. Bella's nipples are
hard and I cannot believe I'm doing this to her myself.

Her eyes open and I whimper; they are so clear. They are brown, but crystal
brown, big and bright and beautiful. I don't ever want her to cover them again… I
hate those glasses. She's too pretty to wear them, I kiss her. She's breathing
against my lips, holding onto my arm.

Then I don't know what's happening, her entire body goes stiff. Her back arches
really high, legs close on my hand. Her hands are over her mouth, eyes closed so
tight. Her cheeks turn so red. On my finger, the one inside of her, muscles
contract against it, sucking my finger in deeper. I keep moving because I think
this is right, when she breathes my name and uses the Lords name in vain I
know I'm doing something right.

She finally goes limp and my finger is soaked. Bella smiles, she tells me she has
never felt better than she does right that second… she wants to do it again and
she loves me so much, so fucking much. This time I laugh, wiping my finger on
my jeans just as Alice knocks on the door.

Two knocks; two knocks means our parents are wondering where we are.

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Chapter 23

Bpov

May 2000

"I want those."

"Those?" my mom questions, she's been questioning my choices all day.

"Yeah mom, those."

"Ok." she grabs them, takes them to the register and pays with a worried
expression.

Worried expressions, they come in so many different forms. There's a mother
form, a father version, a tired boyfriend edition. Not to mention the poker faces
all of the psychiatrists and pediatricians have. Worried expressions, I see through
all of them. They aren't fooling anyone.

My mom and I sit at lunch, I'm eating a salad. She's hovering, making sure I eat
all of my vegetables. I don't have an eating disorder, I'm just sad some of the
time.

"This was a good day, right Bella, being with me?" she's worried about my eating
habits; mom has been poking the same cherry tomato for the last five minutes.

"Yeah mom, it's been great." trying, offering…

Silence isn't awkward on my side, it is on hers. I can talk to her about school, I
can tell her I made a few new friends in the rez boys but she might tell dad. He's

like Edward. My dad and Edward are so alike. Jake is only a friend, he's nice to
me when no one but Edward usually is. I wish he wouldn't get so upset about it.

"How's Edward, Honey?" finally she eats the tomatoes

"Good, mom. Edward is good." he is good, he's wonderful.

I hate thinking that I'm not good enough for him, he loves me and I know it only
makes things worse when I try to convince him otherwise. I have no choice but to
accept his love. I love him so much in return. The other girls at school drive me
insane with jealousy, he is like them. Perfect and popular but he sticks with me
and I don't think it's entirely out of pity.

Maybe that's why I did what I did today.

I thought having sex would work, but he isn't in a hurry. I'm terrified of losing
him, if he ever really opens his eyes and sees what damage I am inflicting on
him, he would leave… so I have to try, this is me trying. I hope he appreciates
my effort because I am so scared. Change isn't easily accepted, I might just be
ridiculed for this.

"You look beautiful Bella, you really do… it's a nice change." she's honest; my
mom is telling the truth.

"Thanks mom."

"Edward is going to love it."

"Thanks mom."

She laughs. "Your dad on the other hand isn't going to be so happy his daughter
is so grown up."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

"You're never leaving the house." dad sits on his recliner, I'm on the couch.

Panic, utter panic.

This is what I was afraid of, if my dad doesn't like it what are Edward and the
other kids at school going to think?

"Charlie, don't be ridiculous." my mom scolds.

He flips through the channels, I want to run up to my room and hide in my
window. I hate my dad sometimes.

"She looks like she's eighteen, Renee. I already have enough trouble keeping the
freak boy next door away from her."

This makes me laugh; he has no clue.

"She's fifteen, she looks fifteen, Charlie"

"That boy is not allowed over, you're not allowed near him." dad's mustache
moves when he talks, I want to rip it off of his face.

Heart beating, hands shaking ands sweating. Frustrated, is the best word to
describe my feelings. My mom has a worried expression… I'm so sick of this.
Standing, stomping my foot. My dad looks, worried expression.

"Dad, you have no fucking idea what it feels like to be me!'

Crying; more crying and more sad. More worried expressions.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 24

EPOV

May 2000

The next day

I know she argued with her dad, she called me and cried, cried, cried all night
long. She wouldn't show her face out the window. She said she was ugly and
puffy from crying so long, so hard. We stayed on the phone, I listened to her
breathe and cry until I fell asleep.

I woke up an hour later and she was still crying.

Sleeping after that wasn't an option, I spoke to her. Told her sweet things,
explained to Bella that she is everything. Eventually she calmed and might have
slept herself but that was only a little while ago, now I have to wake her up for
school.

Dragging my feet across grass, yawning carrying a thermos of coffee for Bella
and one for me. Its not raining today, I wore a beanie anyways. Alice gave me a
suspicious glare before I left; she grabbed my back pack before I had a chance to
walk out the front door.

With her hands on the side of my face, she looked into my eyes. "This won't
work, you can't do this forever you know."

I shrugged, what other option is there?

"I know you love her, she loves you but you need to love yourself Edward."
patting my face, my sister pushed me out the door.

I knocked on the door one, two, three times. Mrs. Swan opens it without a word,
we have a routine. I come early, she lets me and I wake up Bella. It's the only
way we can get Bella to function; she isn't a morning person but doesn't give me
a hard time.

Going upstairs, I begin to wake up. Seeing her always makes me happy even if I
don't feel that way when I first open my eyes. I love her, she's my girl… for her I
would do anything.

"Bella, time to wake up… I brought coffee." I open her door, she's already awake.

"What do you think?" Bella asks, standing in the center of her bedroom.

What do I think? I think she looks different; she looks like them… like Pepper Hill
and her click with a touch of grunge. Bella lightened her hair, it's still brown but
now it has these caramel highlights. Its cut shorter, layered and only mid arm
length. She's wearing a pair of pre-washed purple Levi skinny jeans and a white
tank top… instead of wearing our matching worn, black chucks she has on black
flats.

She's beautiful.

Only different.

The glasses are still there; purple hearts. That's familiar and valued, it's all
appreciated but I don't understand.

"You hate it?" her face falls, shoulders slouch.

Smirking, pressing my lips to her cheek. "I don't hate it Baby, you look pretty."

"Pretty?"

"Yes, I almost don't recognize you."

Bella kisses my cheek back, taking her coffee. She slips out of her black flats and
into her chucks. Grabbing her back pack, she walks past me but I can see the
smile in her eye. She's still there and whoever this show is for, it isn't for me.

I'm only wondering who.

I watch her the entire way to school; backpack held high on her back, she kicks
the same rock for an entire block. I assumed she would grow out of being a tom-
boy, my mom said it wouldn't last forever. I just assumed Bella was more like
Alice and less like Pepper. She has hairspray in her hair and lip gloss on her lips, I
think today is the first morning I didn't brush her hair as she put on her jeans in
two years. Bella's hair is sleek and shiny, not wavy and air dried like usual….
Maybe I feel insecure, maybe I hate this.

"Bella, you know you're good enough right? You know that I love you and I don't
want you to do this if you don't feel it."

She nods, biting her bottom lip. "Oh yeah?"

Grabbing her wrist, I stop us in front of the school. Lifting her glasses, I look into
her eyes. "Yes."

"So is that why you smoke with Pepper Hill everyday at school, because you don't
like this? Because I'm good enough?"

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Chapter 25

Charlie's POV

July 2000

"She's angry…Not eating, not sleeping… Bella is even mean to the boy, something
has changed." How does a father deal? I feel half a man, not being able to care
for my girl. It's my genes that did this to her, I've seen all of the women on my
side manage depression. It's different when it's your daughter than it is when it's
your aunt or your mother. I feel hopeless, I feel like a failure and she hates me
for it.

Renee is crying again; screaming "Divorce!"

Do I fault my daughter for coming between a marriage that used to be so light,
so easy? No. I blame myself, this is why we are here… to see if this can be fixed.

Bella is in the waiting room, I let the freak boy next door come along. They're
fifteen, Renee and the shrink say I have to get used to my daughter being in a
relationship, especially since he makes her happy.

Or he did, but something's changed.

"These things manifest and transform Mr. and Mrs. Swan. Isabella's mood swings
and frequent depression episodes are normal. The problem is distinguishing the
depression from normal teenage behavior."

I watch her, Bella, never looking at peace even when she sleeps. Her grades have
fallen; she doesn't have friends other than the boy. I've tried talking to her, all
she says is "you don't understand, dad" or "I was born this way, dad… it's going
to change, dad." she depends and leans on the boy for everything, When they
had that huge fight I wanted to keep them apart. Fifteen is too young to be so
involved, no one agreed with me including the freaks parents and my wife.

"Tell me what to do." I surrender.

"There are many causes of depression Mr. Swan; social anxieties, divorces, loss
of control. In Isabella's case, she was literally born with this. Add pressures of
being a teenager and you have a combination destined for disaster. These things
are usually hard to diagnose in children and teens, Isabella has been showing
signs since she was a child. For example, her sunglasses."

A crutch, Bella used to think she was invisible and we played into it. Now she has
hundreds of pairs and never takes them off.

The shrink continues as my wife cries and Renee knows we're to blame. "Things
to watch out for are drug use, thoughts of suicide; don't allow her to be a recluse
but offer her enough privacy and support so she knows she isn't alone."

"What about the Boy? They're…" clearing my throat. "…pretty serious."

"That can go either way; if they fight obviously she has a higher risk of falling
into an episode. If he makes her happy, well then you have to take it where you
can get it. Bella is fighting a battle against herself, she doesn't want to feel the
ways she does… if this boy makes her happy I would encourage their friendship."

I scoff; friendship. I have hands and a heart in my drive-way that says more than
friends.

"Fact is, Isabella will probably deal with depression for the duration of her life.
The key is how to handle it so it's less frequent and less severe. You need to
listen to her when she talks to you, do not interrupt and do not judge. She needs
to be aware of the comfort that surrounds her. Bella needs to know that she is
loved and no matter her faults she is safe.

"Bella's already attending therapy regularly so that's a step, I see she takes
medication for her anxiety and that's another big step. Recognize the change in
her behavior and treat it before it gets so bad she doesn't get out of bed."

The shrink waits a moment before she speaks again, adjusting in my seat I can
feel that this is bad news…

"There's something else to watch out for Chief Swan."

"What is it?"

"Sexual activity skyrockets in depressed teens; you say she has a serious
boyfriend…."

I stand, giving the door that leads out to the waiting room the 'eye' I know the
boy can feel my stare even through a wall. Grumbling, I make my way to that
door with my wife trailing behind me. The door opens; Edward is sitting next to
my daughter, holding her hand…His face is scared, real scared.

I knew he could feel my eyes through the wall.

"I didn't do anything." the boy's hands go up in surrender.

Renee drives the cruiser home with Bella in the front while I sit in the back with
the freak boy, giving him the 'eye' the entire way there.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 26

August 2000

EPOV

Sometimes I feel like we're having a one way conversation.

Bella wanted to break up after she found out I was smoking with Pepper Hill at
school. This summer has been interesting; her depression is an ugly monster with
no regret. I betrayed her trust but what makes it worse is she expected my
actions. Talking about it only leads to a dead end with the two of us frustrated
and angry; I can't stand her shame, she hates my deception.

I didn't intend to deceive Bella, although I knew I was doing it all along. I just
needed an out, a temporary relief from her constant sadness. It takes its toll on
the ones she loves, me especially. I never complained because I do it willingly, I
will love her forever.

Bella has built this wall; we still stay up during the nights and speak through the
window but she wakes herself up now, if she decides to get out of bed. Bella is
insistent on having sex, every time we're alone she lays on the heat heavily. She
tells me I'm scared, that I don't want her and that's not it at all… I just don't
know what the rush is. I touch her and kiss her, I tell her I fucking love her every
single fucking day but it doesn't seem to be enough.

So she runs to Jake.

Bella says that Jake is her best friend… he understands her, he gets it. I get it, I
underrated her and I have since we were ten years old. What can I say? I ask her
not to speak to him but she throws Pepper Hill in my face. Bella and I love
fiercely; love isn't as simple as it used to be.

Bella is all I see; I wish I could just take her and sink her into me. The worst days
are when she tells me she's better but I can see it consuming her. I'll speak to
her, at her… Bella will be looking right at me but she doesn't hear a word I'm
saying. Some days I take her to the back, behind the tree line where we used to
hike when we were younger. She'll bring her radio and we'll just sit together;
Bella will be with me but she's not close.

Dad tells me I have to keep reassuring her, she has to understand that I love her
absolutely. Dad also tells me I have to be careful, that I too can get stuck in her
vortex of self pity and shame. "It's in her head, Son." he'll say. He, mom and
Alice all spoke to me so seriously a couple of nights ago. Their faces were so
severe, they said things to me like "This isn't healthy." and "She's breaking you
down."

They don't understand, when has my sister ever taken responsibility for anything
in her life? She gets by on my dad's bill and her stash of pot. Alice doesn't know
what it means to love. To love deathly like I love Bella and she loves me. Love
isn't simple, not at all but love is love and Bella is all I've ever known.

Sitting up in bed, I jump up and run towards the window. Today is one of those
days Bella didn't get out of bed. I've been waiting for her all day; most days
seem to consist of waiting for her… pulling back the curtains, my parents are
already out the front door. I see Bella, barefoot and in her pajamas grabbing at
her fathers clothes. She is screaming, she is crying…Mrs. Swan is right behind the
two of them, my mom holding her back while my dad tries to pacify the situation.

Alice runs in my room, yelling at me to get down there. My heart is pounding and
my stomach feels flipped. I chase after Alice, passing her at the front door. Bella
is on her knees, holding on to Chief Swans legs. I fall beside her, my dad is
shouting for me to get back into the house. I ignore him and hold onto my girl.

"Dad, Please, Dad…. No, you can't, Dad!" Bella sobs, but the Chief isn't listening.

"Bella, baby… you need to stop." I whisper into her ear that I love her over and
over and over, she is unresponsive until I force her fingers away from her father's
leg.

She clings onto me, climbing onto my lap and squeezing until I can't breathe.
Bella sobs, tears dripping down my back and onto my skin, soaking my shirt.
Over and over she tells me her dad is breaking her glasses, that he's so mad he's
throwing them all away.

Chaos.

I watch him throw the pieces of her broken glasses in the trash. An array of
colors, broken and shattered fall from the box… it would be pretty if the situation
wasn't so ugly. I hold her, kissing her neck and listening to her words until he
Chief rips her from my arms and tells me to go home.

I run upstairs, coming back down with a box of my own…A box I have had since
our birthday a couple of years ago. I'm screaming and now I'm crying… all of this
for smiles when he makes her so sad. With my parents screaming at me from the
drive-way, I curse the Chief and give him back is fucking payment. Two-hundred
and six packs of fun sized M&M's rain on his lawn.

It isn't even a fraction of what he owes me.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 27

EPOV

September 2000

"I love you…."

Hot breath, naked limbs. I'm not sure if shit is supposed to be like this but I had
to do something. She wants me; I can give her that… I can give her myself
because I don't know what else to do.

We are behind our houses, past the tree line but far enough back where no one
can see us. We're in a small clearing, not big enough to be considered a meadow
but large enough for Bella and I to have some privacy. Today isn't cold, it's sunny
and the first time I've seen her skin in the sun for over a month.

It's also our sixteenth birthday…

Kissing down her neck, I feel the fullness of her breast in my palms. I'm between
her legs, her naked center burning against my boxers. My hardness pressed into
her… she's in a hurry.

"I've been waiting so long." Bella moans, pressing her center onto my erection.

The sun warms my back, I kiss up her arms and between her legs… touching her,
tasting her. I love her the best that I can, being sweet but handling her body the
way she likes me to. Bella tells me I'm strong, that she can feel my strength
when I hold her. She loves the way my muscles flex, and when my hair tickles
her skin.

The yellow light from the day shines through her hair; her arms are extended
above her head. Nipples harden and my tongue rolls over them, bringing them
between my teeth… into my mouth. Bella moans, she pulls my hair… begs for
more. Between her legs she is soaking, her legs shake and her nails dig.

More, more, more she tells me, making me laugh quietly onto her stomach, I kiss
her pelvic bone before kissing her heat. Bella comes to life with more energy than
I have seen in a while. Her back arches, her leg hooks around my neck. When
she screams, when I feel the goosebumps spread over her body and watch her
nipples get harder, incredibly harder I come back up. She holds onto me while
her body quakes, telling me she's ready… she loves me and this is it.

Lining myself up, running my hand up her extended arm until out fingers are
interlaced, I press in gently. Bella gasps, biting her bottom lip… I push in harder,
and harder and harder until she is crying but promising that she is ok.

My forehead falls to her shoulder, she is so good. This feels unlike anything I
have ever felt, my heart is open and Bella is falling into me. I'm sinking into her,
when I'm all the way in she sucks in a sharp breath and holds me tight. I take a
moment just to feel, I've never been this physically close to her and it's
overwhelming and addicting.

Bella likes to be touched when she's not feeling good but this is more than that.
Her skin is against mine, her heat surrounding my length, actually being inside of
her body, hearing her ragged breaths in my hear and feeling our love burning
between us. Bella's cheeks are red, the way her mouth opens for small whimpers
to come out is the sexiest thing I've ever experienced.

"Shhhh…" I tell her, kissing her cheek while I slowly lift out and fall back in.

The entire thing is slow, happening in snap shots. Her eyes, her hair, her skin and
her touch. Pulling out and falling in… our blanket bunches beneath our bodies.
Bella's feet rub up and down the back of my calves; she holds my hand but
scratches my back with the other.

Bella smiles…

She smiles so sweetly with her eyes closed and her red cheeks. Her lips are
swollen from kissing and biting. My pace quickens as the burn in my stomach
becomes over bearing. I lift up onto my palms, watching her body move under
me, my head falls forward to kiss her lips briefly… she holds onto my hips. Chills
run up my arms, I'm being more forceful now but she's taking everything I give
her.

Over and over and over I let my baggage drain into the movement in my hips
until pleasure rips though my core. I fall onto my elbows, huffing and sucking in
air. I pull out in time to pump myself out on to her stomach, Bella giggles but I
feel like I could fucking cry.

She hasn't giggled in a long time…

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 28

April 2002

EPOV

"Dude, word on the street is that your girl and Jacob Black were being friendly in
English today."

It's lunch, I'm waiting for my girl but it seems like every single fucking day there
is something else going on with her. Bella isn't as odd as she used to be, her dad
broke all of her glasses a couple of months ago so she wears this black pair.
She's still hiding, she doesn't take them off unless she absolutely has to but
because they're black she is more socially accepted.

Bella fucking glows, she glides and floats… she seems so happy with this new
'accepted among her peers' attention but I know the truth. She's as unhappy as
she has ever been, even after she smiled and giggled in the sun, nothing has
changed. Bella is a constant battle; Alice tells me she is taking advantage of our
love.

Not everything is bad, she holds my hand and we still tell secrets but the bad is
out weighing the good. Her childhood innocence that I loved so much is gone, left
is a shameless shell of Bella.

"Who the fuck told you that?" lifting my backpack onto my back.

Jasper shrugs. "Just word." He's sympathetic, I hate his fucking sympathy.

I leave him behind, running into Pepper Hill. She asks me if I want to smoke.
"You know, like old times."

Pepper Hill is gorgeous beyond belief. She makes my dick twitch but doesn't do
anything for my heart… pulling at the ends of my hair, pissed at Bella I agree and
together Pepper and I walk to our old spot.

Touching the cigarette to my lips is almost as good as sex. I have a lot of that
lately, seems like it's the only way Bella and I communicate anymore. My family
accused me of becoming bitter and resentful. Do I resent her? Maybe, I give her

everything and she fucks it up by talking to Jacob Black. He's trouble, rumor is
they do coke up in La Push but she doesn't listen.

"Girl trouble, Baby?" Pepper Hill asks, blowing smoke to the left.

"Yeah." taking another hit before flicking it out to the parking lot.

After lunch Bella and I have Biology; she is in her seat when I walk in. I sit and
she is staring. Bella leans in close…too close for comfort.

"You smell like smoke." she bites.

Turning to meet her head on, batting her hair away from me. Bella meets my
eyes, she doesn't back down. The purple under her eyes is evidence that her life
isn't as fucking great as the people around here think it is. The purple under mine
is evidence that I'm drowning with her.

"Jake is just a friend."

"So is Pepper Hill."

She laughs and the other students in class look at us. I try to bury myself into my
class work but Bella won't let it go. She starts to cry, telling me that I don't love
her that I don't care. "She's better than me, better for you… look at you, I can
see it on your face Edward."

Eventually I cave, pulling her close and apologizing. It's a vicious cycle that
makes itself a permanent routine for months to come. We will fight and we will
love, struggle and battle and literally kill each other. Bella and I become two
different people than we were when we were ten, we will do things to hurt
instead of show affection. Conniving and tricking, we can't be trusted but we stay
together. Our parents will grow tired of us, Chief Swan will ban me from his
daughter, my dad will insist I stop seeing Bella and my sister will beg for mercy.
A mercy I cannot even imagine giving her.

We always manage to forgive enough to avoid the inconceivable thought of
splitting, all the way up until the last three months of our senior year in high
school. When Bella does the unforgivable, breaks the last of our trust and leaves
me with no other choice…when I see her kissing Jacob Black I finally give the fuck
up on her.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 29

BPOV

April 2002

I can't breath or see or feel anything. Everything is bare and I have finally done
it. I left Edward with no other choice but to hate me. He's been so enduring, so
understanding and uncomplaining.

My intentions were never to hurt Edward; I had no intentions at all. I don't love
Jake, he's a friend and he kissed me first. I should have stopped him, I should
have told Jake no but I didn't. I didn't stop him and now I've broken Edward.

"Your boyfriend is looking." Is all Jake had to say, my heart fell but if I'm being
completely honest I had already known Edward was there; I felt him.

Being around Jake is so simple, Edward hated it but he didn't know how good it
felt to be able to be free around someone. He wouldn't understand that. No, his
understanding would have run out if I ever told him those words. I know Jake
and his friends are trouble. Edward doesn't know but Jake and I talk on the
phone most nights before I meet him at the window. Jacob Black knows I'm sad
but ignores it. He doesn't treat me like I'm a bubble: flimsy and fragile. It makes
ignoring his troubles easy to overlook too.

My relationship with Edward has been so sporadic and unpredictable lately. His
family hates me and mine hates him… they don't hate us they only hate us
together. But I love him so much, love is enough and this wasn't intentional.

As I look at his face, my heart shatters and falls to the ground. I can feel the
darkness surround me, I wish so badly I could make it go away but I can't. That
is the point; I can't make this go away. I can't fix my brain and I fuck everything
up because of it. So I stand here with cold blood and hard skin, looking into the
eyes of the person I love more than myself. I can feel his disappointment and
heartache as well as my own. I'm so ashamed.

"You wound me, you have wounded me Bella." Edward whispers before turning
his back on me.

Tears fall and I don't even bother stopping them. Permanent; I'm always crying…
but this time I am crying. Crying because my heart hurts and my blood is thick.
Oh I hate myself for this. My lips burn from the kiss of somebody wrong. The
bond between Edward and me stretches until it's so tight it threatens to snap. I
want to pull it back… I'm calling for him but Jake is keeping me in place. Edward
keeps walking, pulling our bond until it finally breaks. Just like that everything
collapses and darkness has consumed.

"Jake let me go!" I scream, ignoring the stares of the other people around us.

He listens, I run but Edward is already out of sight.

I run all the way home, as fast as my feet will carry me. Tears run down my face,
fall over my lips and blur my vision. By the time I reach his house my lips are
purple and my hair is stuck to my face. I pound, pound, pound but no one
answers. So I pound, pound, pound some more… until my knuckles split and
bleed, but nothing.

"Edward, please." I beg, cry and scream.

He ignores, declines and refuses.

Running to the side of the house, Alice chases after me and asks me to stop. I
cant, I can't fucking stop. Edward storms out the back door towards the shed him
and my father built together. He grabs the sludge hammer and I'm asking him to
listen, maybe if he listens he'll forgive me.

Edward shakes me off of his arm and Alice is running to my house screaming for
the Chief.

"As you're falling, my heart beats the same." He tells me with puffy red eyes,
walking past me.

Pulling on his sweater, digging my feet into the drive-way, Edward stops where
we pressed our hands into my dad's wet cement. Where we committed our love
permanently, two hands and a heart… And he smashes it with a sledge hammer.

"No!" I scream, watching him ruin our cement…

I grab at his back but he pushes me away, hitting our heart again… the concrete
breaks, splinters and shatters.

"Now I'm screaming, can you forgive me? I treated you badly but I'm still here!"
crying isn't working, begging isn't working… I'm on my knees, pleading.
Surrendering.

He laughs. "Now you wish you meant something." he hits our hands. "Now you
mean something to somebody else."

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Chapter 30

April 2002

EPOV

"I miss everything about you; I can't believe that I still want you. After all of the
things we've been through, I miss everything about you." I'm crying, she breaks
me. It's not easy to turn my back.

But I have to.

"I never told you what I should have said." she breathes back.

I look at her through the window; her forehead is pressed to the glass while she
looks anywhere but at me.

"This is how it ends."

"Go on, go on and break my heart." Bella is gasping for air. "Leave my love on
the street…"

"This is how it hurts; this is how it feels to fall. That's the way it is, we live and
love through walls." my heart, it hurts… So badly.

Rain falls between our windows, I can hardly see her face distorted as she cries
but I can hear her over the phone. It's a pain I've never felt.

"I've never known the feeling." she sobs.

"And it's your fault we have to."

"Stay with me." Bella pleads.

"I can't."

"I love you and I need you, you have to stay."

"I can't."

"You can."

"I can't, not anymore." hanging up the phone, I watch her throw hers across the
room.

Shutting my blinds, unable to breathe or walk or talk. I take the stairs down to
the living room and head out the back door. Last year Chief Swan helped us build
a skate ramp in the back yard. It doesn't take much effort to get a piece of ply
wood off; I have so much effort to give now.

Carrying it upstairs, I have the nails in my mouth and the hammer in my pocket.
My mom questions me; I slam the door in her face. One nail at a time I close off
my window, my room becomes dark, but I don't stop nailing.

Over and over and over I hit the nails into the wood, into the wall. When it's up I
sit on my bed and bury my face into my hands. My sister comes in, holds me in
her arms and promises that everything will be ok.

"Give it time, everything will be alright."

I don't believe her, my bleeding heart tells me she's is lying. How can I ever
recover from this? She is all I have ever known.

"You are lost, but not for long." Alice sooths. "It hurts too much to see you cry,
you have to stop… Edward, you have to stop."

My tears fall down onto her jeans.

"Slow down Edward, keep it at a steady pace… it will fade away, I promise… God,
do I promise."

I hold myself together while my sister enforces the barricade with her small arms.
I've cried for Bella but I've never cried because of her, I don't know what to do
without her. "I'm leaving her, I'm not sure if that's what I should do…. It hurts so
badly. I want her but I can't go back."

Alice wipes my face clean from tears, the same tears that shimmer her green
eyes. "It's time you figure out what's going on inside of you, Edward.
Unfortunately something is wrong with Bella and you're not able to help her any
longer."

"I'm so in love with her; I don't know what to do."

"She's never out of mind, it's just time for some space." Alice runs her hand
through my hair, laying beside me and staying close in my dark room.

"She is the kind of girl that has the chemicals to drive me insane… so beautiful,
it's hard to see clearly. She makes me so angry, I can't forgive her. Sometimes I
wonder, sometimes I'm shaking… that's how she makes me. Sometimes I think
I'm going crazy." the awful truth, it's hard to hear, let alone say… she is no good
for me.

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Chapter 31

BPOV

May 2002

They call us renegades because we liked living crazy…

Everything was crazy, everything is just fucked now. It took a total of fourteen
days before he made Pepper Hill his girlfriend. It's like he forgot we loved at all.
Edward ignores me, his window is boarded up and he won't accept my calls. I
tried to speak to him at school but nothing worked.

I'm lonely.

Despite waiting a total of seventeen days before becoming Jacob Black's
girlfriend; it's all wrong. For my parents sake I wake up every morning and brush
my hair, hiding my face behind a huge pair of black sunglasses. I hate to hurt
them, they're only innocents. The less they know about my inner turmoil the
better… I cry myself to sleep, wake up and rub ice cubes under my eyes to lessen
the swelling.

Ice cubes don't stop the hurt in my chest though. It's like a hole has embedded
itself in the center of my heart, it throbs and it bleeds… it screams and fights and
begs, begs, begs for me to get him back. Edward is the missing piece, Edward is
also unattainable.

I see him at school; we pass in the halls like we mean nothing at all. He isn't shy
about showing his affection for Pepper, he is smug and he is bold. Rosalie Hale
promises he does it to hurt me; she has been a better friend than I deserve. She
says we've been friends since always, didn't I know?

I only knew Edward.

It's in his face and in his walk; his ability to shelve his feelings and move on. I
wish I was as cold as him. I wish I could walk hand in hand with Jake, right past
him and smell him and be ok. Truth is I can't; everyday I walk past Edward and
his force moves me. His smell engulfs me and burns my heart all over again.

I catch him sometimes, looking at me with sad eyes. Sad, broken eyes… those
days are the worst.

"We're still on for Prom?" Jake asks, pushes my glasses up on my head. Clearing
my throat, ripping my eyes away from Edward…. I don't want to lose his face.

"Yeah." looking at Jake, he isn't all bad. He's some good, not as good as what I
had but better than being alone.

He's looking at Edward; Edward has Pepper Hill up against his locker. His hand is
on her face and his lips are hovering right above hers.

I know those lips by heart; I remember every touch and every argument. I
fucked things up so badly. It's the reason I still leave my window open…

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

"Why do you keep calling?"

"I don't know."

"Well stop."

"I can't."

"My mom is getting mad."

"I can't stop calling."

He sighs. "You going to the prom?"

"Yeah."

"With him?"

"Yeah."

"Sometimes I wish you were invisible, I wouldn't have to see you or love you."

"I can't stop calling, Edward. She won't love you like I do."

He groans, "How are you doing?"

"Bad, I'm doing so bad… I belong to you; you make it hard to see."

Edward is crying, he doesn't want me to know. I'm crying too, I'm so sorry.

"Edward, please don't cry. Please, please, please don't… Stop, I can't take it."

He clears is throat and his words sting. "I feel like letting go, life goes on."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 32

May 2002

EPOV

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"

Holding up the corsage, lifting my eyebrows. "Getting Pepper's flower."

Emmett nods, not satisfied with my answer. "I'm not asking about the fucking
flower, Edward. What are you doing with Pepper Hill?"

Shrugging, handing the cashier the credit card. "She's my girl, we're going to
prom."

Outside, I light a cigarette and blow the smoke into the cold air. Emmett is still
looking at me; he's waiting for a response he isn't going to find.

'This is wrong Edward, Bella fucked up but Rose says he kissed her first."

Flicking my cigarette into the street, "So that makes it ok?"

"No, but you're not happy. Bella is our best friend, you can't just give up."

I laugh before walking away from him and back towards my Volvo. "You don't
know what you're talking about Emmett."

"I know Bella is sick, I know you two kept it a fucking secret and it killed your
relationship. I know she tried coke with Jacob Black, and I know she called
Rosalie right after and cried all fucking night long. That much I know."

Taking a deep breath, I have to hold onto the car door not to get angry and snap
at him. Bella tried cocaine with Jake? Shaking the thought from my head, I sit in
my seat and wait for Emmett to get it.

"You don't even like Bella."

Emmett scoffs. "Bro, what the fuck are you talking about… she's been our friend
since we were kids."

"All of a sudden?"

"Fuck you, you're wrong in all of this Edward… she fucked up. Jake is no good,
she needs you."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

"You tried coke?" pulling Bella to the side, I have to yell in her ear.

"Why the fuck do you care, you don't want me remember?" She pulls her arm
away from my grasp.

I'm looking at her; she's looking away from me. Bella looks beautiful tonight, so
beautiful she makes my knees weak. I have a body full of regret but my bones
are full of resentment.

"I care Bella."

She pushes me away from her, tears instant. "You care? Now you care?"

"Bella, don't." I plead, not wanting to cause a scene.

Jake shows up behind her, pulling her away. I want to kill him for putting hands
on what is mine. "Problem?"

Toe to toe. "I'll fucking kill you." I swear it, I swear I fucking will.

Jake laughs, anger sliding off of his shoulder. Bella is crying, holding his hand and
avoiding me.

"She doesn't want you Edward." he tells me.

When I thought I couldn't hurt any more than I already did. Jake takes Bella and
walks away from me. He takes my life with him, leaving me standing alone in a
room full of people.

I'm aware of her all night; here with Pepper but it's Bella I feel. Emmett
sympathizes with regretful eyes. I sit at a table with my girl and best friends;
Jacket lost, sleeves rolled up, tie loose… drinking vodka snuck in by Jasper. I
drink to a point of oblivion, I drink until I can't feel anything. I drink until Emmett
has to carry me out as they call Bella and Jacob Black for prom king and queen.

I drink until I'm incoherent and cussing and causing a scene while Bella stands
next to her guy. I laugh while they dance and fight off Chief Swan when he tries
to help me out the door.

"Don't ruin this for her, Boy." he pleads.

I'm outside but the air doesn't do shit. I laugh at Bella's father, degrading his
profession and his ability as a father.

"You fucking half ass cop, you're a worse father, and you're chaperoning a high
school prom?" I laugh and laugh and laugh until I cry.

Until he hugs me.

Chief Swan takes me home; he sits in the car with me until the sun comes up.

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Chapter 33

June 2002

BPOV

"I love my lady, yep… I love my chick." Emmett pops his head between Rosalie
and me in the front seat of her car.

"I love my baby, yep… I love my boy." She counters and it's so sweet it's gross.

We graduated high school today; I walked with Jake and had to sit through
watching Edward walk with Pepper Hill. It's experiences like these that hurt the
most, I hated being crowned prom queen without him. It wasn't anything I
expected; just last year I was a social outcast.

Now I don't even know who I am.

"You know Edward will be at Jasper's, right?" Rose turns the stereo down; tension
leaves me, aware of their predicament.

They're the in-betweens.

"I know." I say, keeping myself calm.

I've been trying harder, thinking that if I can improve myself he might want me
again. The shrink tells me I have to do it for myself, controlling my depression
should be a personal goal. Edward is my only goal.

Jake wasn't supposed to show up, he was mad I was going without him. He
decided to show his face… Edward is already there, he avoids me but I smile
anyways. His arm is slung over Peppers shoulders. She is as pretty as ever, her
long blonde hair and perfect teeth. They look perfect together in their perfection,
but wrong in every way.

I hold onto Jake for support.

As the night goes on, Jake gets high and Edward gets really drunk. Their snide
remarks and mean comments go back and forth until it finally blows up. They're
in each others faces; Jasper and Emmett are trying to diffuse the situation but
are met with restriction from Embry and Sam.

I'm between them, Edward pushes me away.

"Edward, please just calm down." I whisper, hating the anger.

"Calm down? Fuck you Bella." he spits. "I don't even know who you are
anymore… you really chose this guy over me? Me!"

Everything after that goes by so, so fast; Jake punches Edward. Edward falls
back, he hits Jake back. They go for blows, both are bleeding. Everyone is
screaming, Rosalie and Jasper are holding me back while Jake and Edward break
his home. Pepper is screaming, I tell her to shut up… just shut the fuck up.

Edward gets hit in the stomach, he's bent over. He looks up and he looks right at
me. I scream for Jake to stop. "Please! Please stop!"

Murderous screams.

Edward looks away right before Jake kicks him in the face. I cry for Rose to call
my dad, my head is light and my hands are tingling. Emmett tries to help but
Jake's friends knock him back. Edward is on the floor, curled into a ball… so many
of them are kicking him.

I'm clawing and fighting and struggling to get to him. Pulling on Jake's clothes,
Rose pulls me back and tells me my dad is on his way. My screams fall on deaf
ears, Edward isn't moving and they're still kicking.

Jasper jumps in, Emmett jumps in… finally blue and red lights shine through the
window. Jake and his friends bolt, he tries to bring me with him. I scream in his
face and drop to my knees. I grab a hold of Edward's foot and climb up his body.
He's coughing, he's bleeding and he's telling me to get the fuck away.

Pepper pushes me back; Edward tells her that he is ok. My dad walks in, I tell
him it's Edward.

"Go home Bella." his voice is deep. His voice is commanding.

I can't move, Jake is gone and Edward is hurt. Just like that all of my effort and
all of my trying is over. Just like that I give up on myself.

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Chapter 34

EPOV

October 2002

"Dad says Bella had a pretty bad panic attack last night. Chief Swan is taking
some time off of work to stay home."

My sister stands in the entry way, she's twenty-three years old and still deciding
what she wants to do with her life. My grades were good enough to go to college,
only problem is I didn't apply. The root cause of many arguments between my
dad and me. How do I explain to him that I'm afraid to leave her behind?

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, pouring orange juice into a cup.

"I don't know, I thought you might want to know." her tone is regressive.

It's hard when my family loves her as much as I do. They didn't appreciate the
turn our relationship took towards the end but our families are close, they still
care… I still care. I only act like I don't for the sake of sanity. My window is still
boarded up; I'm not forced to see her at school. Out of sight, out of mind… not
completely.

"Alright." I tell her, I feel bad. I'm not treating my family well but I'm not well.
I'm still taking it day by day, trying to cope. They come to me with her stories,
her condition. What do they expect me to do? Run over there and somehow save
her? I couldn't before, I won't now.

"Edward, you owe Bella some of your time." Alice snaps, conflict thickly laced in
her voice. "I know she hurt you but this is larger than that now, she's not doing
well at all."

"You have no idea how she hurt me Alice."

The radical in my sister is gone; she doesn't smoke anymore, got a job at the
diner and takes a few online classes at the junior college. Her hair isn't dirty and
three different colors, she doesn't follow bands all over the country. Alice is finally
growing up, her maturity is apparent. For the first time in my life I feel her
judgment and her disappointment.

"Fine, Pepper called by the way." Alice grabs her keys off of the counter, her
finger nails are still bitten short and ten different colors. It makes me smile, "I
have to work, and mom and dad won't be home tonight. Can you hang here alone
until I get home?"

Smirking, arching an eyebrow. "I am eighteen years old Al."

She kisses my cheeks and drinks my orange juice. "I know, but I worry."

Thirty minutes later Pepper is walking through my front door. In the time
between Alice leaving and Pepper arriving I stared at the wood on my window. I
just fucking stared, Pepper must have let herself in because the next thing I know
she's on my lap, kissing my mouth. I'm angry and hurt, Pepper tells me to let it
go… she grabs my cock and sucks on my lips. Her aggressive behavior feels good,
better than what I have felt since April.

I hold her hands behind her back, kiss down her neck and over her chest. Flipping
her onto her back, she's laughing and encouraging me to do it harder. My hands
are up her stomach and over her ribs until the shirt is off, she takes her bra off
herself. I've seen Pepper's tits before, we haven't had sex but we've fucked
around… each time feeling worse than the time before.

This isn't any different.

I don't waste any time on kissing and loving; her pants are off, mine come down
to my knees and my dick is wrapped in a matter of seconds. I thrust into her
harshly; she screams but tells me to keep going. Over and over I pound into her,
hating her body… she isn't warm like Bella, her center is freezing cold. Her skin
isn't soft, she's too skinny and I can feel every bone. Pepper doesn't giggle, she
fucking instigates.

Burying my face into the pillow beside her head, lifting my hips all the way out
before dropping back in. she's biting my shoulder, telling me she loves me and
it's all fucking wrong. When I cum, it's not pleasurable. It's undignified and
excruciating.

Pulling out right away, tossing the used condom. I pull up my pants and
straighten out my shirt. I tell Pepper to get dressed, that I'm sorry but I can't do
this with her anymore. She cries but it does nothing for me. Tears out of the
wrong eyes… she tells me Bella doesn't want me, she tells me Bella is with Jacob
Black now.

When Pepper leaves the first thing I do is take the wood down from my window.

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Chapter 35

BPOV

January 2003

"Bella, get up." my mom pulls the covers off of my body, she opens my curtains
and hums while she picks up dirty clothes off of my floor. "You're not staying in
bed all day again baby, get up."

Groaning into my pillow; if it were that easy I would get up everyday. My muscles
hurt and my head pounds, my bones ache and my heart is almost non-existent.
What is so hard for them to understand? I physically cannot get myself up and be
productive.

"Mom, please stop."

My room is lit with the pale gray light from outside, the rain is soothing… if she
would just leave me here maybe I could get some more sleep and feel better in a
couple of hours. Maybe.

"Bella, get up."

Anger and sadness spark automatically. I begin to cry and ask her pleadingly just
to leave me alone. She threatens to take me back to the ER, she'll call my dad.
"He just went back to work last week Bella; don't make me call him home."

"Mom, I can't ok… I can't." panic rises; she pulls on my leg and is getting mad.

I'm gasping for air, she's crying and frustrated. I want to crawl into myself, I
would die… I would, I would fucking die if it wasn't for Edward. He doesn't want
me but he is who I live for. Since I can't and I won't, I just need to sleep. I need
to be asleep because being awake is too hard.

"Is nothing helping Bella? You can't live like this." mom is holding my face in her
hands.

My entire body is tingling; my lungs are grunting and wailing. She'll give up, she
always does… I'm too much to handle. I wish I could tell her to stay but all I want
to do is sleep.

"Please mom." I cry, pulling on her arm. I can feel my face becoming blotchy, my
feet are kicking and the hole in my chest is throbbing.

"Tell me what to do baby, tell me how to fix this." mom is kissing my face, wiping
my tears away.

I think about Edward, I haven't seen him in so long. I miss his face and his toes
and his hands. I miss when we were kids and everything was so carefree. I miss
his laugh and his love; I miss his arms and his strength. I miss him between my
legs and all around my body. I miss his presence and his conscience… His
kindness and his caring. I miss him so fucking much it hurts… so I cry and I fight
and I scream until my mom leaves my room and shuts the door.

My room is still lit, I pull the covers over my head to block the light. Panic has not
settled, it's still raging and alive in my chest. I bite my pillow; kicking my
feet...the sounds coming from my body could be heard all through the house. I
hate it; I hate myself for this…

Slowly but surely the pills I chewed start to take their effect, my body calms and
my breathing regulates. Slowly I fall into a slumber, still taking deep breaths…
still crying and wishing I wasn't so messed up. My eyes drift from open to closed,
burning when they shut causing more tears to fall. My jaw hurts from biting down
so hard, I grind my teeth when I sleep… the pills eventually take the pain away.
My entire body relaxes, my arms fall lazily and my feet finally stop kicking.

I'm unable to keep my eyes open; they shut and stay that way. I feel warm and
safe under my blankets, my breathing puts me in a hypnotic state. Slowly,
steadily until I fall into the darkness. But even in my sleep I feel his void; in the
blackness of unconsciousness I miss him so much.

In my sleep I decide tomorrow I will try… tomorrow will be better because for
now, I need to just sleep.

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Chapter 36

EPOV

March 2003

"Bella is here, just come… it won't be weird. It won't be odd, she looks better.
Just come, I swear it won't be difficult." Emmett sounds hopeful; he and Rosalie
are having a small get together.

I knew she would be there; it's why I didn't want to go.

"Ok."

I haven't heard much about Bella other than what my parents tell me. She has
started therapy again, she's been trying harder. Got a part time job at the
grocery store, she hangs out with Rosalie when she can.

Living in a town this small, we don't run into each other. I started taking some
classes at the junior college in Port Angeles to pass the time. My dad is still
banking on me to attend a university, I'm just not ready but I'm almost there.

Thirty minutes later I'm driving up to Rosalie Hale's house. A small get together
turns out to be a full blown party. Cars crowd the street and the sound of music
fills the cold air. I walk, smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves. My hood is up
and my head is down.

She's here, the first person I see… remembering when there was me and her.
Thinking back to our first kiss, side by side when our bodies would collide. The
sound of her voice still echoes in my ears, the scent of her perfume fills the room.
It's painful to see Bella… more hurtful when she sees me.

"Hey." I whisper, kissing her cheek.

"Hi." she pushes her hair behind her ear.

Bella doesn't wear her sunglasses anymore or draw peace signs and hearts on
her cheeks. She is grown; she is beautiful… although her exhaustion is apparent.
She takes my hand easily, following me into a vacant room. We're staring at each
other… then we're kissing and it's so fucking bitter sweet I groan into her mouth.
Her lips are soft and hot like I remember. Emotion purges, we are rough and
harsh and hurtful with our movements.

Bella pulls my hair. "Numb with the coldness of wanting you." she breathes.

I lift her onto a dresser, pushing up her skirt up to her waist. I can't look her in
the eyes because this is wrong… But I've missed her so much; I let my body do
the talking. My fingernails scratch down the sides of her thighs, throwing her
underwear to the side.

Bella pulls off my sweater, breathing though clenched teeth as she undoes my
belt. Pulling down the side of her shirt, kissing the top of her shoulder. Bella
moans loudly, whimpering when I grab her from behind her knees and pull her to
the edge of the dresser. Her ass makes a screeching noise on the glossed wood, I
kiss her mouth… Our lips are hot; wet… her center begs to be touched.

"With the taste of your lips, I'm on a ride." Bella sighs… head falling back,
opening up her neck.

With my length lined up, I push into her thoroughly and forcefully. To be
surrounded by Bella again is to die a happy unfair death. My eyes clench closed,
burying my face into her neck. Her arms are around my neck, legs wrapped
around my waist. She screams my name, over and over and over, she screams.

"Do you feel me now?" I groan, pulling out and slamming back in.

She holds on as I thrust and stroke, powerfully. Bella pulls the desperate out of
me. Her erratic breathing and strong hold. This is us after almost a year… as
fucked up as ever. When I feel the burn, I push into her deeper knowing that this
is almost over. Bella's body clenches around me. More, more, more... She moans,
the dresser hitting the wall behind it. She comes; she whispers my name and
cusses. The high is gone and all that is left is her and me, thoroughly fucked and
thoroughly unhappy. Emptying into her body, the last of my thrusts are weaker…

"I'm sorry." I tell her, pulling out but not moving away.

She's breathing, gasping…

"Fuck!" I punch the wall behind her.

Bella flinches, pushing me away. I can see myself flowing out of her center… she
closes her legs and jumps down from the dresser. Bella leaves without a word…
stumbling on her way out.

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Chapter 37

EPOV

September 2003

I've spent the last couple of months trying to figure out exactly where everything
went wrong. Wondering what I could have done differently, questioning if any of
this bullshit can be fixed.

I miss the days when we were kids; young love is untouchable.

How simplistic shit was; riding on handle bars and being excited about a new pair
of sunglasses. We used to play until the street lights came on and cry when we
had to eat dinner. I miss building jumps and hiking with Bella in the woods.

I miss Bella.

I'm going to college; I've wasted enough time here. Working at the lumber yard
with Jasper is not what I want to do with my life. It's good for him; he's that type
of person… a rough, nitty-gritty type of personality.

Emmett and Rosalie Hale left for college the summer after high school ended.
They're excited I'll be in Seattle soon.

My sister will miss me, but she is a lot like Jasper. Not made for college, Alice will
live in Forks for the rest of her life and open up an Antique store or be the nosey
fucking waitress at the diner. She'll have kids and smoke weed in the backyard
while they're sleeping.

I've struggled with the decision to leave for most of the summer. Some days I
would be determined, others I would literally want to fucking scream and fight
and refuse the notion of leaving.

My heart is in Forks.

Dad did a lot of threatening; threatened to take my car, make me pay rent.
Threatened not to pay for school… not to help. When none of that worked he
started convincing.

"You want her back, Son? If you get her back, then what? You'll have nothing,
Son."

Saying that I'm doing it for Bella makes the decision easier to swallow. The only
problem is that I haven't spoken to her since that night at Emmett's. I've been
too ashamed, they way I treated her and took advantage of her is sickening.

I fucked her.

Literally and hypothetically.

Took advantage of her trust in me and fucked her on a dresser, then I allowed
her to walk away. Didn't take the time to call her the next day, didn't walk over
to her house and explain to her how fucking sorry I am or that I love her to
death. I love her so much and she is in my blood and in the air and in my
dreams… In my fucking soul.

Chief Swan pulled me over last week for no apparent reason other than to talk.

"You never come over anymore, Boy." he said, mustache as strong as it ever
was. "I thought we were friends too, Boy."

That made us both laugh, but looking at him was like looking at her. I could only
do it for so long before the ache in my chest numbed the rest.

Lighting a cigarette, my room was mostly packed… I looked over at her house.
My chest is a gaping hole. I'm tired of being without her, Bella is all I have. All I
want, all I ever wanted since I was ten years old.

Blowing smoke out into the cold air, I take another hit before dropping it to the
floor and putting it out with my shoe. I lift the hood to my sweater over my hair,
pulling on the front because I know Bella likes it when my hair sticks out from my
hoodie.

Taking a deep breath, one step at a time… I go to her. That's what I do, it's what
I've always done… I would stay awake forever for her.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

EPOV

September 2003

"She's in the back, Edward."

"Thank you, Mrs. Swan."

Turning back, she just laughs.

I pass between our houses, stepping through the wet grass in her backyard.
Bella's roller blades, old and dirty still lay on the back porch. Smashed slab of
concrete, with our hand and our heart beneath it.

I don't have to go far, I know where she is… stepping through the trees, and she
is here. I stand against a tree, crossing my arms and smiling while I watch her.
Her old radio still works, playing Tiny Dancer. Bella's hair has gotten so long, it's
down and left naturally curly.

With bare feet and a white dress, she dances by herself… Looking on, she sings
the song. The words she knows, the tune she hums… Bella spins, toes twirling in
the mud.

'Ballerina, you must have seen her… dancing in the sand.'

Moving from my spot on the tree, I sit in the dirt beside where she dances. Bella
sees me, smiles but doesn't stop twirling. Her hair floats around her head, dress
fanning in the air. She has mud between her toes, Bella's pink toe nail polish
chipping in the dirt.

Watching her, it's easy to remember why I love her and how uncomplicated that
love really is. She is so young, pure and unguided in the best ways. Bella always
brought the good out in me, she makes me smile. She makes my skin rise and
my heart skip a beat; she was born for me to love… How I could have turned my
back on that is beyond me.

Bella needs taking care of…

She sits next to me, wiping the dirt off of her feet. She smiles, and while there
are so many fucking words and explanations that need to be said, none of it is
really important right now.

I wrap my arms around her, lips at her ear. Holding her against me so fucking
tight that I won't ever have to worry about losing this grip again… the music
plays, I sing softly, slowly.

"Hold me closer Tiny Dancer. Count the headlights on the highway… "Bella's eyes
close, her arms holding onto mine. She starts to cry, I wipe them away. "And
now she's in me, always with me…Tiny Dancer in my hand."

"Edward." Bella whispers. "Sometimes I'm just sad."

"That's ok."

"I don't know how to fix it." her tears run free, maybe for the first time in a very
long time… It breaks my heart, she's is so small, so tiny.

"I'll help you." I tell her honestly, kissing her cheeks, holding her tighter and
closer.

Rising to my feet, Bella looks up at me. Offering her a hand, she takes it. I wipe
the tears from her face, help to push the dirt off of her dress and with her hand in
mine I lead her out of the woods. She follows quietly; I don't look back as we
walk through her wet lawn or up her porch.

I don't look when I open the door and step inside of her house or when we take
each step up the stairs to her room. Pulling back the comforter on her bed, Bella
gets in and I tuck her in.

The gems are still next to her bed.

Closing Bella's bedroom door, I take off my shoes and my jacket I get in bed
behind her. Pulling all of her hair off of her neck, I kiss her temple and hold her
body against mine.

There aren't many words for the mending of two broken hearts, it just is. We lay
in the dark in the middle of the day, making silent promises and utter
convictions. She holds my hand and kisses my wrist. Bella cries and sleeps… the
day passes without either one of us saying a word. Mrs. Swan checks in, but
closes the door right away.

It isn't until sometime around midnight that Bella speaks and her words make me
smirk… "Happy Birthday, Edward."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 39

EPOV

September 2003

Three in the morning; September Thirteenth. Bella and I are nineteen years old
today.

She's sleeping, not entirely sound. The tension is evident in the grip she has
around my body. Our legs are knotted, her hands fisted into the back of my shirt.
Bella sleeps with her face in my neck…grinding her teeth sometimes.

I heard the chief come home about an hour ago. He came into the room, sighed
when he saw us together in bed. I left my eyes closed; I'll deal with his stupid
fucking rules in the morning. I have a feeling he will understand, his sigh was
warm and perceptive.

I've watched the clock next to Bella's bed all night. Each minute passing, feeling
content in being together. Constantly going over what I want to say, show and
act… it's my turn to convince, to beg if I have to. I forgive Bella for Jake;
inconsequential and irrelevant. I've acted less than worthy, Bella hurt me but we
were young and I should have been more understanding and receptive to our
needs.

She is my only need.

The actual thought of having to move without her grabs a hold of my heart,
squeezes and makes me beg for mercy. Fisting my hand, placing it on my
forehead… I feel like I can't breathe. The room pulsates, every ounce of blood I
contain rushes to my heart, pouring into the hole that's been there since our
split.

Swinging my feet over the bed, running my hands through my hair…

She is behind me, hand circling around my shoulders… kissing the side of my
neck. I want to apologize for waking her up but Bella turns my head and kisses
my lips before I have a chance. She pulls me down on top of her, hands between
us, Bella unbuckles my pants.

I'm panting, gasping… unsure.

Her lips are at me ear. "No one man should have all this power."

I always imagine this being sweet… if Bella and I ever worked things out, that
when we had sex again it would be slow but I feel anything but calm and sweet. I
feel impulsive and panicked. I need her now.

Allowing her to unbuckle my pants, my hand grabs her face from under her chin
and I kiss her. I tell Bella I love her, she says it back breathlessly gripping her
hand around my length.

"I fucking love you hard." covering her mouth with mine.

Pants go to my knees, Bella's underwear are moved over… the top to her dress
goes down. I'm in her fluidly, not wasting a moment. I'm fast, thrusting and
stroking… going as deep as I can, pulling out and pounding back into her. The
bed frame shakes, we're not being quiet. It's harsh, but not like Rosalie Hale's
house with the dresser; this is reconnecting.

Bella's eyes roll, her head tips back and her hands dig into my hips. My tongue
rolls over her nipple, teeth biting her lip… Bella pulls my hair, she scratches down
my back.

"You're killing me." I tell her, feeling like every bad feeling and hurt emotion is
being torn away; it's so fucking painful.

"A beautiful death." Bella smiles right before her body clings to me.

Bella reaches up and back, holding onto her iron rod headboard. I'm in her,
stroking and taking. Feeling her come around my dick again is the sweetest
thing… bitter empathy. My forehead drops to her erratic chest, I come through

clenched teeth with a sob and a groan. Bella's arms circle around my head, and
mine around her body.

Riding out the waves, things slow… I finish coming, feeling exhausted but
comfortable. Bella takes off her dress and her panties, cleaning herself off with
them before she gets on her knees and kissing my cheek. She wipes the wetness
from my eyes, helping me take off my shirt. Next are my pants, boxers and
socks.

She climbs onto my lap, I'm not hard yet but this isn't for that. Bella touches my
face, kisses my lips. Runs her fingers through my hair and plays with my ears.

"Don't leave me again." she whispers.

"I'm letting everything go."

Only minutes pass before I'm inside of her again, her head tipped back… hair
sweeping across my legs.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 40

September 2003

BPOV

"I'm going away Bella."

Closing my eyes, taking a deep breath… Taking ten. "But I only just got you
back."

Sometimes a heart will tickle because you're in love, or you're nervous… my mom
chews on the ends of her hair when she thinks too deeply, I bite my nails and
Edward runs his hand through his hair relentlessly; Twitches. I have a twitch and
it's a tickle; my problem is that my tickle will become my doom and consume;
Fucking tickle in my chest.

Everyone can see the little bit of sadness is me… my life is an open sore I hoped
would heal soon. I used to think my happy ending would be me slitting my
throat, not after last night but now this.

Edward lies with his head on my bare stomach, fingers running up and down my
thigh. It's five in the morning, a dim light beginning to seep through my curtains.

"Bella, are you happy?" Edward asks, kissing my belly button.

"Yes."

He smirks, kissing over my hip bone. "That's just the saddest lie."

Covering my eyes, pretending I'm invisible… I tell Edward everything. I explain to
him my sadness. How it eats me and lives my fuckin life. "I've got some issues
that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me…" I cry and
apologize for everything. For Jake, for our childhood… for the purple under his
eyes, for the purple under everyone's eyes. "My parents almost got divorced,
when I thought I couldn't feel any lower."

I tell Edward about the time I tried cocaine, how I begged for ignorance and
unawareness "I had sex with Jake" and "I never meant to hurt you." I cry, he
cries but listens so well because Edward has always been the best listener. His
feelings are hurt, simple as that.

"I've reached this point, Edward, where I don't know what to do anymore. I can't
fix this…" pointing to my heart, to my head. "I try, I breathe and I count to ten…
I've taken the pills and read the books but my life is still dark and sad. I zone
until I can't remember, I hurt… I want to find peace."

He lays beside me, hand permanently placed in his hair. "I fucked Pepper Hill."
and "I didn't do it to hurt you." hardest thing I have ever had to listen to… him
explaining his own turbulence. My elbows hurt, my joints. I want the room to be
dark, I want to sleep.

"You're going to listen to me Bella, please." and "I just want to be there when
you're all alone... Thinking about a better day, when you have it in your bones."

I can't breathe…

"I just want to hold you, take you by the hand… and tell you that you're good
enough and tell you that it's going to be tough." and "I want to be the one who
gives you all of my world and gives you all the feelings of it… Cause I got a home,
not when you're not in it."

Looking over at him, he's smirking… smirking so fucking beautifully beautiful he
takes everything away.

Edward shrugs, "If you give up Forks, I'll give you Seattle."

Blinking, blinking, blinking… Dark fading some, light spreading some.

More smirking.

"I don't know what the hell any of this means B; I know I love you… I know we
can't be away from each other. I like your point of view, so don't you shy away.
Ride out the waves… with me."

Blinking and smirking and smiling.

"Come with me Bella."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 41

September 2003

EPOV

"You have sex hair."

"Your dad is going to murder me on principle alone, fuck the sex hair." slipping
my jacket back on, trying to un "sex" my hair.

Bella sticks her bare feet into a pair of beat up sweats, I help her put her bra on
and pull a shirt over her head. She blows stray hairs out of her face, running her
fingers through it.

"Ready?" I ask, taking her hand.

"I'm ready."

We waited until nine to get out of bed, the Chief walked by more than once. He
was listening to us talk, I also heard Mrs. Swan tell him to leave us the hell alone.

Hand in hand Bella and I go down stairs; it's Sunday and Chief Swan is in his
typical setting of football, beer and pepperoni pizza. Bella's mom is reading a
book, sitting beside him.

I clear my throat, ready to grab Bella and run if I have to.

"What are you doing here Boy? Did you forget my rules in your absence, Boy?" he
drinks his beer and grabs his shotgun.

I pull Bella behind me and head for the door.

Bella shrieks but the Chief and Mrs. Swan start to laugh; Charlie puts the gun
down and invites us to sit sown with him.

"Scared you, Boy? Don't be such a pussy, Edward."

Did he just call me Edward?

I sit, bringing my girl beside me. Renee is reading a book on adolescent
depression and Chief Sawn offers me a beer, I think of it as a test and decline
only for him to call me a pussy again.

"What's going on Bella?" her mom asks, closing her book.

Bella looks absolutely terrified. She stumbles and trips over words, biting her
nails and blushes.

"Chief Swan, I'm moving to Seattle next week… I want Bella to come with me.
Please."

He chokes and coughs; Mrs. Swan shakes her head over and over. Bella starts to
cry and I sigh, really loudly.

"I'm only asking out of respect Chief Swan, Bella and I are nineteen and if she
wants to leave she can but I don't want it to be like that."

His face goes three shades red before ultimately turning purple. "Seattle? She
can't be alone."

"She won't be."

He shakes his head, drinking his beer in one long chug. He looks at Bella, she is
still crying. "You're my baby, I worry about you."

"I know dad, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, there's nothing to be sorry about." Chief Swan asks Bella if she
wants to go with me, after everything if that is what she wants.

Bella agrees.

"I love him, dad."

He asks me about my plans and about school. I tell him that I have a one
bedroom apartment, my dad has agreed to pay half of the rent but I have to pay
the other. I get living expenses paid through financial aid, grants and my partial
scholarship. "I want to be a doctor." and "I want to be with Bella."

I tell him about the junior college, Bella can attend for two years and then
transfer to the University with me. She doesn't have a clue about what she wants
to be or do but there is plenty of space and time to figure it out.

We talk for hours, eventually calling my parents over to join the discussion.
Justifiably they are nervous about Bella and me. Dad wants me to understand
Bella's depression and the way it works because it will only be me there to deal.
They also understand that it's our lives, our decision and reluctantly agree to be
supportive.

Even the Chief.

"Don't think I won't come out there, Boy." he huffs. "Seattle isn't that far, Boy."
he puffs. "You fuck around Boy, I will come after you." and "Happy birthday Boy,
and I love you."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 42

October 2003

BPOV

Edward tapes the last box shut, writes a huge "B" on the side and shoves it with
the rest of them. He tosses the tape and the marker on the empty bed and falls
to my side on the floor, laying his head in my lap.

I tickle my fingers over his scalp, resting my palm on his forehead before gliding
my hand along his cheek and his jaw line. We have been packing and cleaning all
week. Tonight is our last night in Forks. My walls are bare and the closet empty,
ten boxes hold my life, each with its very own B.

"All packed.' Edward yawns, closing his eyes and rubbing his face on my stomach.

Dad walks by my room, throwing a blue peanut M&M at Edward before making
his way down stairs.

Taking Edwards lead, I close my eyes and lean my back against my bed frame.
Ripping my room apart after nineteen years was challenging, exhausting. I've
been feeling well; Edward has always had that affect on me. Our reconciliation
was simple; there was never any other choice. We just are, forever.

"Nervous Baby?" Edward asks, hand sliding under my shirt. He kisses my
stomach.

I smile, eyes closed. "No… I put my pain, my heart, my soul and my faith in us."

Edward smirks against my skin. "Are you sure you're ready to live with me? One
bedroom apartment? I can't always promise to leave the toilet seat down."

"Just don't let me fall." I whisper, feeling calmer than I have in an entire year.

Edward lifts himself out of my lap, sitting right in front of me. I cross my legs and
sit Indian style, never opening my eyes. Loving the electricity his nearness
radiates onto me. I can feel his lips hovering over my face, his fingers dancing
over my eyes. The hairs on my arms stand up and follow his lingering touch. My
eyes flutter and dance, wanting so badly to see him… just open up and watch
how perfectly beautiful he is.

"You're such a dream." he breathes softly into my ear.

I giggle.

His fingers pull through my hair; Edward touches my knee and wiggles my toes.

"Do you know how much I love you?" he asks, massaging my fingers and kissing
along my collar bone.

I nod.

It goes this way for a while; eyes closed, his touch. He massages my shoulders
and my calves. Edward brushes my hair and rubs my ears… It's not until he
begins to laugh that I finally open my eyes. I ask him what's so funny, he shakes
his head. I ask again, he laughs some more.

"My dad, he's here with the fucking moving truck."

"And?"

Edward stands up, placing my beat up Converse at my feet. He unties them and
slips them on, kissing the inside of my ankles before tying them and helping me
off the floor. Edward takes in my appearance, holey cut off jeans shorts and a
throw back band tee.

"It was a lot like this, when we first met. Moving trucks and sunglasses. Roller
blades and first loves."

"Only loves."

Edward lifts a box, kissing my head as he walks by. "Better fucking believe it." he
tells me, taking the stairs two at a time.

I follow him with the intention of squeezing his left butt cheek, maybe pulling his
hair some but when all I see is Edward being reprimanded by my dad, I can't help
but laugh and stay to listen.

"Watch your language in my home, Boy," and "Boy, don't think you're too fucking
old to spank, I'll give you the ass kicking of your life, Boy," and my favorite, "You
better not be using that language around my daughter, Boy."

Oh, and we can't forget the… "Fuck no I'm not helping you pack that truck so you
can take my daughter away from me, Boy."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 43

December 2003

EPOV

Our apartment smells like pumpkin spice and Christmas trees. Bella and I didn't
see the sense in buying ourselves a tree this year since we have plans to spend
Christmas in Forks. Chief Swan didn't appreciate this, he blamed and yelled and
accused me of taking the innocence away from Bella.

"Boy, you will get my Bella a tree for Christmas."

He didn't even give me a chance, showed up two hours later with my sister, Alice,
and set the fucking thing up in my living room.

It's not decorated, I didn't have time with school and Bella never got around to it.
The tree smells good, but the pine needles all over the carpet are annoying as
fuck.

Because shit is kind of tight around here, Bella and I agreed not to get each other
anything for Christmas this year. We live off of my financial aid and the help of
our parents. B wants to get a job, I disagree. Allowing her to readjust, aware of
the severity of her depression, I only want her to take one thing at a time. School
is more important than working. She starts at the community college after winter
break.

We made this agreement; it's not one I could abide by. I spent the entire week
buying her gifts. I shopped at every store and even looked online. Now it's five in
the morning and I'm trying to sneak out of bed so I can put her gifts under the
tree. Chief Swan wanted us in Forks last night but with some convincing Bella
talked him into a morning arrival instead.

Hiding presents from my girl was not easy; she's here all day by herself. I have
boxes hidden under the couch and in the stove. (She doesn't do much cooking).
Presents are in my dresser drawers and in the trunk of my car. I may have gone
overboard, fuck it… I love her.

When everything is under the tree I wait, and wait and wait. It's now eight and
Bella isn't awake. I check on her, she snores…

I start being loud, taking a shower with the door open, and shutting the cabinet
with extra force. I turn the TV on and blast that shit, nothing works so I give up
and start to shake her.

"Bella, wake up, Baby."

She swats at me, rolls over and groans.

"Bella, wake the hell up." I'm tickling the bottom of her feet.

She kicks me before curling her toes and hiding her feet under the blankets.

"Go away," she mumbles.

Today will be a good day, she never jokes on bad ones.

"I got you something Baby, you have to get up."

Bella rolls onto her back. "It better be in the form of an orgasm because we
agreed not to get each other anything, Edward."

Fuck, I love her.

Bella follows me out to the living room; she sits on the couch and scowls at her
pile of presents under the tree. I happily watch, beaming as she opens each one.

I got her a sweater and a backpack for school. Some notebooks and other shit
she'll need. I got her a new pair of green chucks, a blow dryer and a few books
she wanted but it's not until she reaches for the last box when I get nervous and
sit at her feet.

Bella shakes it, guesses that I got her the spice rack she really wanted. I don't
ever remember her saying shit about a spice rack.

"Just kidding.' She laughs, ripping the paper apart.

I watch her carefully as she opens the box. When she gasps, I blush. My hands
shake some and my eyes begin to water.

"Edward?"

I'm up on my knees. "If you don't like them, you don't have to wear them."
Taking the box, I pour all of the glasses onto the couch so she can see them all.
"I know how you feel about them Bella, I would never take them away."

"You're making my eyes tickle, Edward."

On the couch are the reminders of how we used to be. Bella was safe and we
were happy. I never understood why Charlie took her sun glasses away.
Sometimes people have things, things that make a person themselves. Bella's
glasses are the one memory of her that stands out the most.

Bella chooses the green circle glasses and puts them on her face; she asks me
what I think. I tell her she hurts my fucking heart, and then I tell her I love her
so fucking much. Then she tells me that I'm not the only one who was hiding
presents, she got me stuff too. She laughs, I tell her she's fucking stupid.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 44

EPOV

March 2005

"I just got off the phone with your sister," Bella tells me, mouth full of tooth
brush and blue suds.

The hot water from the shower flows down my back taking away some of my
stress. School is difficult, I have a long road ahead of me… I feel like this shit will
never end, I'll always be a student. Dad promises me it will pay off.

In seven to ten years.

"You don't care?" Bella swings open the shower curtain, standing in front of me in
nothing more than a pair of underwear and a tank top that her right nipple is kind
of sticking out of.

Since Christmas Bella is back to wearing her sunglasses, she puts them on as
soon as she wakes up and doesn't take them off until we go to bed. She started
school, does well but doesn't actually have a goal. Her hair is in a high, messy
ponytail and her pink sunglasses sit low on her nose showing me her big eyes.

I cover my junk, laughing as the shampoo gets into my eyes.

"I care Bella, just trying to shower."

There it is, that fucking look she gets when she wants some. Her depression
waivers; some days are better than others… some months are better than others
but one thing she is always into is sex. Dad says it all has to do with endorphins;
when she has a orgasm it's like having a natural, instant anti-depressant.

We have a lot of sex.

Bella takes her glasses off and sets them to the side, her hair tie is next to go.
She lifts her tank top over her head, throwing it somewhere behind her. Bella's
panties are next, and now she's naked and stepping into the water with me.

I wrap my arms around her small frame, letting her have the water. I kiss her
face and rub her back, my length pressed against her stomach. The water falls on
our bodies, making us slick. Bella kisses my chest, under my chin and on the
corner of my mouth. She tells me I'm sexy and that she loves my hairy thighs.

"Hairy thighs are not sexy Bella." I say, kissing down her neck, down her chest…
she arches her head back.

"Yours are," she whispers, gripping my arms.

I have a busy day, right now this is all that matters and everything else is a fuzzy
gray.

Grasping under her slippery thigh, lifting it over my hip, Bella bounces up onto
her tippy toes and wraps both legs around my waist. My hands round under her
butt, lining myself up at her entrance. She covers my mouth with hers, gasping
against my lips when I enter her fully and quickly.

I watch through hooded eyes as the flush spreads from Bella's chest to her
cheeks. Her arms are hooked around my neck, head fallen back and her mouth
slightly open. Carefully, I lift Bella off of me, letting her fall back. The splashing of
water and the smacking of skin fill the shower. She whispers my name, asks me
to go faster. Bella's nipples harden and her thighs latch onto me forcefully.

I love watching her let go, I love that I can do this to her. It's a far fucking cry
from two punk kids crying over stupid shit; it's love and it's mine. She is mine,
always has been. Always will be.

When my sexy, hairy thighs begin to cramp, I lean Bella against the shower wall.
My hips thrust into her, thighs shaking and tits bouncing. I kiss her neck and her
lips, she pulls my hair and begs for more… begs and begs and begs until she's
screaming for me to stop, but don't stop.

Her body clenches around me, Bella goes limp and her head falls onto my
shoulder. She whispers sweet nothings into my ear. I explode inside of her, using
all of my strength to keep from dropping her legs. Bella rubs all of the hair out of
my face and forces me to look right at her as I come. Her eyes shine; she smiles
and bites her lip.

When we've both calmed, I feel right. She sets herself back down onto her feet,
pushing me away playfully so she can wash her hair. I kiss her back and her
shoulders, we laugh and everything is good. Then she drops the bomb….

"Like I was trying to tell you earlier, I spoke to your sister…. She and Jasper got
married last weekend."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoX

Chapter 45

EPOV

September 2005

I left her this morning knowing I shouldn't have. I don't leave her on days like
this. I never leave her alone unless she is feeling bright, content and aware. Bella
was none of those things when I walked out the front door of our apartment.

I sat through my lectures and took my tests; school only just started again and I
couldn't miss. I called my sister, asked if she could drive up to Seattle for the
day. She couldn't, but promised to call in and check on Bella. I can hear the
exhaustion in her tone. Bella's depression has been holding her captive for the
better part of a month. Alice has made the drive more times than I can thank her
for.

My foot is unsteady. I tap my pen on my small desk until the girl sitting next to
me hits me with her dirty stares and the roll of her eyes. I take notes and mark
off pages I'll have to re-read later on tonight. This is my last class. If I can sit
through this I can drive home and be with my girl.

The thought of her lying in bed, a ball underneath a mound of blankets makes my
skin crawl and my stomach turn. I wonder if she has eaten anything today, if she
has even fucking gotten out of bed.

I love her but this inability to control her emotions and her sadness paralyses me.
I can do nothing, I can't concentrate or breathe. I worry all of the fucking time,
wanting so badly to make her life easier. Bella tells me I'm the easiest part of her
life. She accepts my help willingly but there is still guilt.

Guilt about my lack of sleep and my fatigue.

I love her; I do it because of that simply. One day I won't have to work so hard;
one day I'll be a doctor and I'll be better informed and trained. One day when
college is over and I'm working, I'll have the means and ability to care for her.
Until then, I'm tired and fatigued and until then we deal.

Running my hand through my hair, I watch the clock and check my cell. Five
minutes, five more minutes and I'm free. I watch as the second hand makes its
way around the clock over and over, taking its time. I listen as each minute ticks
and tocks by. My foot bouncing, my pen hitting the desk again. My stomach
twists and my heart clenches.

Four more minutes until I am free.

Three more minutes until I'm free.

Tick, tock, tick, tock…

Two more mintues.

One more mintues.

Thirty seconds.

Five seconds.

I slide my key into the keyhole, slowly and quietly unlocking our front door. It's
bright outside, but inside of the apartment it's pitch dark. I can smell her and
with her scent comes relief. I set my backpack onto the couch, taking the
container into our bedroom.

"Hi," Bella whispers, opening the comforter so I can fit in beside her.

She's been crying; it's written all over her face in red blotches and swollen eyes.

"Hi baby." I kiss her forehead. "Are you ok?"

She shakes her head, letting her face lay on my legs. I open the container, light
the candle with a lighter I keep on the stand beside our bed. Bella smiles,
knowing. She sits up and looks at the cupcake.

"Happy twenty-first birthday," I tell her, holding the cupcake for her to blow out.

A single tear falls from her puffy eyes. "Happy birthday, Edward."

The candle burns, neither one of us blowing it out. Our dark bedroom is
illuminated with the slight orange light the flame gives off. Bella and I stare at
each other, hearts beating and breaths shaky.

"We're supposed to be out; living it up… we're twenty-one." And she cries.

I make a wish, blow the candle out and reach out for her. Holding her so fucking
close, so fucking tight she'll never, ever, ever question my devotion. I kiss the
top of Bella's head and allow her to cry into my chest.

"No, this is good." I smile, leaning back and closing my eyes. This is the only
place I ever want to be.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 46

BPOV

June 2006

His arms around my waist, lips at my ear….

I turn to face him, allowing my high to move through my blood, my bones. He
smiles, the crooked kind of smile… the one that leaves me breathless and
pinching myself because surely he cannot be mine. Mine to keep and love and
feel and love and kiss and love.

My hips move, swaying back and forth … his hands on my hips, my hands in my
hair. My neck is hot, my forehead is damp. Edward leans in, brushing his lips
against mine. The colors in the room change from orange to yellow to red and
blue. Strobe lights manage to make everything look broken and fragmented.
Edward's hands roam my body… I dance, loving the energy. Loving him.

Alice nudges my arm, passing the joint. Edward takes it, setting it at my lips. I
take a huge pull, so huge Edward laughs loudly. From my lips to his, hit after hit…
Edward passes it back to Alice who is shaking her head at us with a smile on her
face and braces on her teeth.

I liked her gap; I wish she would have kept it.

It's Esme and Carisle's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Their back yard has
been transformed: DJ, food, people covering every square inch. Alcohol flows
freely, everyone is happy. My dad is drunk and my mom is laughing. Alice and
Jasper are inseparable, and even Emmett and Rosalie Hale made it for the party.

The night air is crisp, my body is hot.

Edward pulls me closer, turning me so I have to face him. His arms hook around
my lower back. He's not much of a dancer but he tries; for me he will try
anything.

My arms wrap around his neck; my head leans back, making my hair fall behind
us. Edward kisses my neck, along my jaw and lingering on my lips. He asks me if
I'm having fun, tells me I'm so fucking beautiful it hurts.

I feel good today, rejuvenated and energetic. I woke up this morning with bright
eyes and felt great. I love times like this, not feeling like dead weight. Feeling my
age and feeling alive. Edward's touch electrifies me, his looks smolder and his
presence thrills. I want to be good for him, and days like this I am.

"Take me away from here," I whisper into his ear.

He looks at me long and hard. He takes my hand, and we walk through the crowd
of people, no one noticing our swift exit. Edward guides me through the part of
the woods we used to play in when we were kids. Where we first decided to be
boyfriend and girlfriend, where we made up….

We go further back, Edward stopping to kiss me every so often. My dress rides up
my legs, I stop to pull off my heels. Edward kisses me again, leaning my back
against a tree. He pulls me further and further until we reach the clearing, the
clearing where we first made love.

His hands are on the hem of my dress, pulling it over my head. Our hands are at
his belt, unbuckling his pants… I'm not even giving him time to pull them all the
way down before pushing him down and climbing on top.

I move my underwear to the side, sliding down on his length. Head falling back,
hips moving backwards and forwards. My moans and sighs fill the air; my nails
dig into his shoulders… lips pull and kiss.

We hug tightly, he kisses my neck and along my collarbone. He swears he loves
me, he swears I feel so fucking good… he promises. My hips rock to his
promises… Edward promises me the world.

When I feel it, that tickle that sends my body to another world, my hips move
quicker. Edward helps, clutching my hip bones and moving them rapidly. It's a
rush; consuming my body and making me smile. From the pit of my stomach it
spreads through my limbs and extremities. My toes curl and my eyes flutter.

Almost nothing feels better than this; what he does to me and my body.

When it's over, when it peeks so high it can only come down, I never want it to
end but its effects linger.

"I have mud on my ass Bella." Edward laughs, kissing me playfully.

I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Lazing around in everything
that is Edward, knowing that this is the only place I want to be.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 47

EPOV

January 2007

"We're moving."

Bella drops the chopped potatoes in with the pot roast. She took a cooking class…
now she cooks. It isn't always good, most of the time it sucks but I smile and eat
anyways. What can go wrong in a crock pot? She doesn't have to do anything but
watch it cook itself.

"What do you mean, we're moving?"

I step into our small kitchen. We've been in this apartment for almost four years;
I'm ready to move on.

"I want to get you a bigger place, somewhere with a backyard." I look into the
crock pot, making sure nothing too scary is in there.

"That's dumb." Bella pushes me away, knowing I'm inspecting her food. "We can't
afford to move and you still have quite a few years of school left."

I sigh. She's right. I've been accepted to the Medical School here in Seattle; the
next few years of my life will consist of internships, residencies and fellowships.
Not to mention a shit ton of money and a hell of a lot of stress.

"We're getting a dog," I offer instead.

Bella laughs as she chops up the carrots. "We can't have a dog without a
backyard."

I eat one of her chopped carrots, loving her pink circle sunglasses. Bella's hair is
pulled back, a few stray hairs surrounding her face.

"Then we should move."

She shakes her head, I kiss her neck. Bella pushes me away, threatening my life
if I don't let her finish dinner.

'"What is with you today?"

I'm leaning against the counter. "I don't know, I feel like we're stuck. We've
reached some kind of dead end…"

"It's all a part of the process, Edward."

I'm looking at her, at her hands, while they chop up some onions. She has pretty
hands. Everything about her is pretty but maybe now I know what needs to
change. Our relationship; that's what's stuck. We move along at the same pace,
doing the same things day in and day out.

"You're going to love me forever, right, Bella?" I'm only asking because hearing it
sounds so fucking good.

"No, I've met someone else and have fallen madly in love. I was going to tell you,
but I figured killing you softly with poisonous pot roast was a better route to
take."

"Good to know." I laugh.

She kisses my lips, handing me something. "Here, take this."

"What is it?" I look at it and laugh.

It's a heart shaped potato; it's odd but completely fitting.

"If that's not a sign of our undying love, then I don't know what is." Bella winks,
setting the lid on top of the crock pot.

I stare at the potato, I love this potato. If I freeze it, will it stay good?

Bella's pot roast doesn't kill me; it's was actually very good. We ate two servings
each; Bella had some trouble going to sleep so we stayed up a lot of the night.
When my alarm went off in the morning, I already knew I wouldn't be going to
class.

"Not today, Bella?" making the room dark, covering her completely… Making her
feel safe.

"Not today Edward."

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 48

BPOV

September 2008

He's being strange. Very, very odd… his face is red; I swear he's sweating a little.
Edward is quick with his answers and running his hand through his hair at a
constant pace.

"Edward, are you feeling ok? Do you want to head home?"

"No!" He rubs his face in the palms of his hands. "No, I'm ok. A little hot."

"What's the matter with you, Boy?" My dad laughs from the other side of the
table, eating his steak looking oh, so smug.

Mom kicks him, Carlisle smiles and Alice glows. She is so high; I wonder if she'll
ever grow out of her herb addiction? Jasper, he loves her so much. He hovers,
always there… it's sweet, it really is.

"I'm sure it's just the stress from school, right, Son?"

"Yeah, Dad, Whatever." Edward stands; the entire table takes a breath.

I have not a clue about what is going on. We came here for our birthdays, and he
has been this way all day, avoiding me and completely on edge. Edward makes
my heart pang a little, I'm not insecure enough to think it has something to do
with me but it has something to do with something.

I look up at Edward. He's staring at me and giving me chills, his green eyes gone
dark, hands in his pockets.

"Take me somewhere where we can be alone." I whisper, needing some space.

He nods, taking my hand and telling our families to stay. Edward takes me
outside, taking a deep breath. His face is flushed, frame trembling.

"I should have done this at home… this is stupid," he mumbles, turning to face
me only to turn away. "You're everything to me, Bella."

"I know." I'm still oblivious. "But I don't know what you're thinking."

He takes another deep breath, taking my hand and kissing my face. "We were so
young when I first saw you, I close my eyes and the flashbacks start…"

This makes me smile. "This love is difficult, but it's real, Edward. Don't be afraid,
we'll make it out of this mess."

He laughs lightly. "There isn't a mess baby… only us."

He hugs me, stress sliding right off of him onto the cement floor. He whispers in
my ear to stay right here. "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He isn't gone long before he comes back and now we're driving back to our
childhood homes. Quiet again but there is nothing wrong with the quiet. Our
families pull in behind us; I didn't even know they left the restaurant. They get
out, Edward opens my door and they're all standing there… waiting, expectantly.

Alice gives me a thumbs up.

I'm out of the car, Edward is on his knee… shaking, crying, and speaking. He's
saying forever and always; the ring is shining so beautifully. It's so dominating.
Families are crying, moms are hugging and dad... dad looks happy.

"Marry me, Bella. You'll never have to be alone…. I love you and that's all I really
know."

Hands cover my mouth, tears falling from my eyes. Edward is waiting so patiently
for an answer. So handsome, so strong… so entirely forever.

I think back, back to the very fist day I saw him. How the sunlight lit up his hair,
how cute I thought he was while he sat on his bike watching me move boxes
from the moving truck to the stairs. I remember blowing the largest bubbles I
could, knowing boys thought bubble gum was awesome. I remember him writing
letters across lawns and M&M's for smiles. Peacock feathers and heart shaped
potatoes. A heart shaped potato that sits in my freezer still.

Edward brushed my hair and taught me how to use tampons. Brought me coffee
and kissed me for the first time. He has loved me unconditionally since the
moment he saw me… How can I be so lucky?

He smiles, the crooked kind… the one that causes me to melt. "It's a love story
Bella. Baby, just say yes."

So I do, I say yes.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

Chapter 49

BPOV

June 2009

Dark.

Everything is dark but I'm sure if I open my eyes I can sneak a peak. I promised
Edward I wouldn't so I keep my eyes shut. Allowing him to guide my way,
knowing he would never let me fall.

"Your eyes better be closed, Bella." Edward warns, telling me to take a step up.

"They are." I hear the sound of a door being opened, smelling wet paint.

"Ok, look." He takes his hands away from my eyes.

I look at him first; it would be a shame for Edward not to be the first thing I see.
He's too pretty not to look at, not to drink in and melt. After I've seen his smile I
take the time to look around. My jaw must have hit the ground because Edward
closes it for me before kissing my lips.

"This place, this house… it's ours," he whispers, letting me hide myself in his
neck.

"Thank you for working so hard so I don't have to," I tell him, loving the house
and wanting to look around but loving him so much more. I would live in a box, a
crate a fucking garbage bag, as long as I had him.

"Don't you want to look around?" He laughs, nose gliding along my cheek.

"Yes." I nod.

Edward takes me though the house; our master bedroom, the other three empty
rooms. A kitchen so big that Edward swears I could never fuck a dinner up too
badly in. The living room and all of the bathrooms. The backyard with a pool and
a deck, a spa for the days I don't feel well.

It's amazing and more than I ever imagined.

"I got on at the hospital Bella, this is yours… anything you want you can have, I
fucking swear." His arms are around my shoulders, his chin on my shoulder.

We stare at our backyard, what all of the last few years have added up to.
Edward is a doctor, this huge house… my contentment. The opportunity to do and
be anything I want, all the time in the world. He has given me the best gift, his
love would have been enough but this… this extra is nice.

"I love it." Absolute truth.

We stand in our new home for some time; I should have known it wouldn't have
lasted. When Edward reaches down, sweeps my feet from under me I know
better than to be surprised. I know better than to scream or to ask to be let
down… once he's running in the direction of the pool I know there is no point in
anything but holding on.

We cut through the air; jump and fall. I hold on to Edward and gasp for a deep
breath… a huge breath, a breath so big it burns my lungs. A breath I let out as
soon as we touch water. Edward lets me go, bubbles blur my vision and feet kick.

Hands swim for the surface; Edward reaches for me and kisses me beneath the
water.

He holds me down, tongues touching… water filling our mouths.

Our feet kick, racing towards the water line. We both inhale before we start to
laugh, splashing water in each others faces. Laughing. Swimming away but he
catches me. Swimming around in circles, he dunks me under. I pull him close by
his tie.

We're playing in the water.

Playing like a couple of kids that never grew up.

Free.

Happy Alone.

Sharing a Smile.

The True Love Way.

EPILOGUE PART ONE

EPOV

If you freeze a heart shaped potato it will grow roots.

If you wrap a heart shaped potato in saran wrap and stick it into the far corner of
your freezer where it is safe, and protected, and loved it will still grow roots.

Despite all of your efforts to keep the potato safe from itself, from its nature …
from the ugly truth, it will still grow roots because in the end the heart shaped
potato is still a potato. All of your hard work and dedication in shielding it will not
change that simple fact.

"Should have just let the potato be a potato, Edward," Bella says, shaking her
head at my poor heart shaped potato.

"Maybe, but I love this potato more than any other potato and I wanted to keep it
safe." I cut the roots off one at a time.

"It's only a potato; a plain and dirty potato, Edward," she laughs, jumping on the
kitchen counter. "Besides, that potato has real, real serious problems. I've heard
that, that potato, the one you love so, so much is a little bit crazy." Bella winks,
turning the page on her cookbook, kicking her feet out in front of her.

"Watch your mouth, Bella. I love my potato and I won't allow you to talk shit." I
kiss it before sticking it back into the freezer, confident that it will last as long as
I keep cutting off those fucking roots. Turning back to my girl, I kiss her face and
her neck … running my hands up her thighs and whisper into her ear, "Besides,
we're all a little bit crazy."

She gets the chills, giggles against my lips and wraps her arms around my neck.
"Maybe, but your potato, she is crazier than the rest."

I nod, agreeing with her before licking her bottom lip and sticking my cold hands
under her shirt. "What are the chances of me finding that particular heart shaped

potato? Out of all the potatoes out there, all the "normal" potatoes, I was the one
chosen to have the heart shaped one? Pretty small, I'd say." I kiss along her jaw,
thumb rubbing over her nipple, through her shirt. "I'm pretty fucking lucky to
have such a unique heart shaped potato and I would never take that for granted,
even if it does have roots."

"Your potato is defective; you got the substandard potato…. You chose the wrong
bag." Her eyes roll into the back of her head as I kiss up her neck.

"Take that back, it isn't even close to being true," I whisper against her skin,
hands pulling her shirt over her head.

Bella falls back onto the kitchen counter, arms falling above her head and her
legs wrapping around my waist. I kiss up her collarbone, touch the side of her
breast.

"Your potato loves you too, you know?" She squirms, laughing when I bite her
nipple over her bra. "Your potato is grateful for all you do for her. She sleeps well
at night because she knows you will always be around to help when the roots get
a little out of hand. And when your potato goes a little bit crazy, she is well aware
of your love … your potato told me to tell you that."

Unhooking her bra, I throw it behind me. "Does my potato know that she has
great tits?"

Bella bites on her bottom lip, closing her eyes and nodding her head. "Yes."

Hooking my fingers into the waist band of her shorts, I pull them down her legs .
Dying when I see that my potato isn't wearing any underwear.

Situating myself back between her legs, Bella has chills that run up and down her
naked body. She touches the side of my face, I kiss her palm and love the way
the metal and diamond around her finger ties her to me.

Pulling her back to the edge of the counter, I unbutton my pants while I lick over
her nipple and watch the blush consume her cheeks.

"Does my potato know that she drives me fucking wild, does she know that I've
loved her since I was ten … that I would die for her?"

"She knows, that's why she's going to marry you."

I love the words; I love that she wants me forever… so easily mine.

Feeling between her legs, her back arches off of the counter. The words "Please,"
and "I need you right now," leave her lips softly. Bella's hands are in my hair, on
my face.

"Bella, Baby … I'm going to be late for work." Slowly sliding inside of her.

Going six months without an episode, I can feel Bella becoming restless. She isn't
as quick to get out of bed in the morning, the laundry is piling up and she is
beginning to close into herself. The empty stares and the daydreaming are more
frequent. There are dark purple circles under her eyes from being unable to sleep
at night.

It fucking kills me; after all of this time her depression only seems to be getting
worse with each vicious cycle.

This time will be bad, I can feel it.

When I love her like this, giving myself to her to take and use in whichever way
she needs, Bella is better. Our bodies move together; heavy breaths and clinging
limbs. I want to be here, in the now, enjoying her skin against mine. All I can
manage to think about is who I can call and have come over to watch her while
I'm at the hospital.

"Love me, Edward … love me," she moans, legs and arms locking me to her.

"I do, so fucking much." I kiss her neck, her hairline … stroking as deep as I can.

I almost had myself tricked this last time; I thought for sure Bella and I had
figured out a routine in keeping the depression at bay. She sees a psychiatrist
once a month and is fucking religious about her meds. She goes to school, taking
any class that sparks her interest. She is carefree, a lot like my sister.

For the last week I've watched it creep in and I'm fucking terrified.

I kiss over her flushed cheeks, Bella smiles and hums. Her closed eyes open,
looking at me with her dark browns. The depth and the significance of the brief
stare is enough to let me know that she is thinking about the same things I am.
She feels it too, just afraid to confirm. So I tell her that I love her, I touch every
inch I can reach. Speeding the movements in my hips, I hope she feels my
desperation and my sincerity. Neither one of us dare say a fucking word about
the inevitable; the silent condition that rules our lives.

The next couple of days pass slowly; I have no other choice but to leave for the
hospital everyday. It's not the way it was when I was in college, I can't stay
home because Bella isn't feeling well. I worry for her the same ways but I have
an obligation to the hospital and to us to be there for my residency.

She is beginning to be mean and quick tempered. Bella is frustrated but trying,
balancing on the edge of depression. I can see the fight in her, she tries to
prevent it from taking her over but it's a battle she has been losing since she was
a kid.

Until one day she doesn't have any more fight to give….

"You treat me like I'm a fucking child, Edward!" she snaps, walking past me into
our bedroom.

She slams the door in my face; I hear her crying through the thick wood. My
heart beats a million beats a second, palms are sweaty and my own anxiety
reaches its peek. Leaning my forehead against the cold door, I ask her if I can
come in before opening the door and stepping inside.

Taking off my tie, I slip out of my shoes while Bella sits in the center of our bed
with her face in her hands. There isn't anything I can say that will make her feel
better, she will only use my words against me so I remain silent while changing
out of my work clothes.

"I'm alone all fucking day," she spits. "I miss you but you're always at work."

"I know, Bella." I hang up my shirt, stepping out of my pants.

"I don't want your sister here, I don't need a babysitter." More sobs, tears
rocking her core.

"She won't be here to baby sit you B, I promise." I sit carefully on the side of the
bed, wanting to touch her so fucking badly.

She cries harder and harder as the minutes pass; shaking the bed and hurting
my ears, my pride and my heart. I should be able to fix this, I'm a doctor … I've
studied about treating and curing people and their aliments but there is nothing I
can do for the one person who means everything to me.

I'm helpless.

I can only sit back and listen to her ear shattering sobs knowing this is only the
beginning. Tonight she won't sleep but tomorrow she will sleep all day. Bella
won't eat, she'll stop talking. She will lose weight, manipulate me into having sex
with her and feel so bad afterwards that the crying will start all over again.

Who knows how long it will last? A few days, a week, a month… A few months.

"Bella," I whisper her name. "We have to do something about this; we can't just
sit back and let it happen to you."

Taking a chance, I look over at the love of my life; her green circle glasses
blocking the view of her red swollen eyes. She doesn't even attempt to smile,
laying her cheeks down on her knees. Scooting close, then closer again, until I'm
right next to her and my arms have her safely pinned against me.

"I hate feeling like this, I can't breathe … I feel like I'm dying."

"You're not; I swear to you that you're not."

Another sob, her feet start to kick and her finger nails did into the skin of my
arm. "My heart is beating too fast … I can't catch a breath."

"Bella, I promise you, everything is ok."

Looking back at our lives; this type of depression is a condition that was passed
down to Bella through genes and birth. Symptoms showed themselves as early as
age two, her pediatricians didn't think it was possible but talking to Charlie and
Renee about it, they did. By age five she was hiding behind her glasses and
unemotional… by ten she had met me but nothing about her personality had
changed. Bella was awkward and overlooked because of her unsociable
personality. Bella was detached to everyone except for me… around twelve is
when it really began to show and by fifteen it had consumed her.

I would like to think I did something to help, that any of us did something but the
reality is we did nothing more than contain and treat, again and again. We got
Bella by, made the 'Then' and the 'Right Now' livable and comfortable.

Maybe it's our fault that it's getting worse?

Maybe it's my fault, I'm her worst enabler. I gave her the glasses back after she
went years without them. I allow her to sit around all day and do nothing. I'm the
one telling her that everything is ok even though its not, not even close. It's
always there, lurking and teasing. Not only affecting our day to day life but our
future?

What if we want kids? Will they be born with it too?

Laying Bella onto her back, she fights against my grip. Trying to convince me that
she can't breathe, she hits me and pulls on my clothes. Her hands shake and her
eyes tremble. Her own mind betraying her body; it's so fucking sad I can cry.

"You're having a panic attack," I whisper into her ear, unsure if she even
listening. "I wouldn't let you die; I would never let anything happen to you."

Seems like hours before her breathing becomes normal again; my skin burns
from where she scratched and hit me. Her glasses are broken and her face is
swollen. A few shaky breathes and some left over tears, Bella apologizes.

"I can't live like this anymore, I can't do it."

What do you say to something like that?

Sorry but you were born this way? You're brain is fucked up and there is nothing
you or I can do about it? Get used to it because this is your life, Bella … our life.

I don't fucking think so.

Epilogue Part Two

BPOV

"Remember when you went through that phase?"

"What phase?" Alice blows smoke out of her mouth in the shapes of O's.

I take the joint from her hands, puffing … once, twice, three times before handing
it back. "When you tried to quit smoking pot and left your hair one shade of
blonde."

Alice rolls her eyes. "God, yes," she laughs, putting her feet up in my lap. "Don't
mention that to anyone. I'm sticking it to the man with my pot smoking and pink
hair. Fuck conformity and all of that mess."

When Alice blows the smoke from her lungs, she blows up causing her bright pink
bangs to move out of her eyes.

"Edward is going to be home soon," I warn, tickling the bottom of her feet.

"I know, he just called." Alice smokes what is left of the weed and puts it out. "I
have to head back to Forks tonight. Jazzy can only handle so long without me."
She winks.

"Edward is doing so well, I love him so much." I sit back, looking up at the stars.

Edward has Alice come up a few times a month to stay with me so I won't have
to be alone when he is working. Sometimes she will rotate with my mom or even
my dad. Esme came up for a week a few months ago, but with Alice comes herb
and with herb comes peace and laughs.

She is utterly the same as I remember her being when we were kids; wise
beyond her age, spiritual and free. Stupid, non-essential tattoos scatter her body.
Her nose is pierced on both sides and her fingers are littered in different sized
and shaped colored rings. When Alice is here she wears my sunglasses, claiming
to feel 'left out' because I wear them and she doesn't.

Alice still sucks on lollipops all day, bounces around the house and recycles
everything. My partner in crime, it's impossible to feel bad when she is around.
Doesn't mean I don't, but she makes it easier.

"Oh, he loves you too, Bella," she sighs. "He loves you so much it hurts his poor
little heart."

I smile, head light from the high. Shaking Alice's foot, she looks over at me. "I
can't wait to marry him."

She nods, "You guys should just do what me and Jasper did. Go to the
courthouse, let it be done."

"No, I want to make a huge deal out of it."

Looking at me skeptically, Alice sits up and drinks an entire bottle of water. "You
do?"

I nod, "I do."

"White dress and everything?"

"White dress ad everything." I pinch her toe and rub her leg.

"Well, that will be a trip. Your love is such a fairy tale, Bella." She sits back,
bringing my head to her lap. "You and Edward met when you were so young, now
look. Through everything you remain, that's the sweetest part."

I sadly sigh, "I am hardly a fairy tale."

"Oh, but you are, baby." Her fingers run through my long brown hair. "You're
such a sad girl, B. I wish you weren't; there is so much to be happy about."

"I can't help it, Alice."

"I think you can, or you can try," She says carefully. "When is the last time you
were evaluated?"

"A couple of years, before Edward and I moved into the house."

Sometimes I feel like a child; a child who is kept in this precious bubble. A lot like
Edward and his potato. He keeps me wrapped up so tightly, afraid that I might
get hurt … in the end I still grow roots. My disease, my condition … my stipulation
keeps me prisoner.

It is not a secret to me or anyone else that my type of depression is far worse
than the everyday case. I've talked to my dad about it; he retells stories about
my grandma and my aunts. Their stories are never as bad as mine are. It seems
that I received the shit end of our family dilemma. It morphed into some crooked,
fucked up case far worse than anyone else in my family suffered.

On the outside I am normal; a twenty four year old girl who is engaged to the
most beautiful person in the entire world. Most days I can go out and do normal
things. Alice and I like to go jogging, it usually ends with her coughing on the
side of the road, but we try. I still attend random classes at the community
college, content with the fact that I may never have a real career.

Edward has given me the gift of indecisiveness; I never have to be sure of
anything if I don't feel like it. One day I can be a cook, the next I can be a
photographer or a school teacher or a painter, a writer. He indulges in my
indulging, supporting me every step of the way.

I catch him watching me. I catch them all watching me, waiting on stand by for
me to blow my lid. Edward is so damn sexy I let him keep on watching. His eyes
on me, good or bad, make me feel good. Even if I'm not feeling well on a
particular day, I always want him.

That's the reason I don't allow myself to dwell on the small shit anymore.

Edward will always want me.

Me.

Damages included.

He revolves around me; orbits and hovers. It's pleasantly, sickly sweet.

I can always count on him; he will always be there when I fall. Killer vibrant
green eyes, messy hair and strong body … it's a two way deal. I hover and orbit
just as much as he does. Maybe to a point that has become ridiculous. Edward is
very much my safety blanket; he is a parachute and a net. I am dependant on
him; my depression is dependant on him.

"Guess who?" His hands are covering my eyes but I knew he was here when I
heard the truck pull into the drive-way.

Alice giggles, Edward laughs under his breath. He is the worst at the 'Guess Who'
game.

"Ummm…." I play. "Is it … oh, I know… is it the cute guy who works at the
hospital with my fiancé? What's his name? Peter?"

Edward removes his hand, cigarette hanging from the edge of his lips. "What?
You think Peter is cute? Pierce me through the fucking heart, why don't ya?"

I sit up from Alice's lap, feeling a little loopy from the pot. Edward is there to
steady me, laughing while smoke seeps from his ciggy.

"Careful, baby," he whispers.

His eyes reflect so much adoration and devotion. I am the center of his world, his
debilitating center.

Throwing my arms around his neck, Edward laughs and falls back onto his butt.
He warns me about cigarette burns but I could care less. I would burn all the way
through if it meant I could touch him like this for always.

He takes one last hit of his cigarette before he flicks it somewhere to the side.
Holding me back, he kisses me until our tongues touch … and nothing else
matters.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo

"Bella, we don't have to do this." Edward's hands run continuously through his
hair. He is nervous, for me, for what this will mean.

Edward being a doctor doesn't mean he uses his knowledge to diagnose or cure
me. Together we have turned a blind eye to how severe my depression has
become. I don't think a reassessment will cure me. I won't ever be rid of this …
it's my second forever. But I can manage it better. I have to try.

"Edward," I whisper; mouth at his ear, hands in his hair. "Trust me."

With reluctant eyes and hesitant kisses, he does.

For six hours I go through the ropes. I speak about my routine and my actions.
How often this happens to me and do I have suicidal thoughts? Edward finds it

hard not to defend my helplessness; he is easily angered and quick to block me
from any type of grief. He doesn't want these doctors asking me personal
questions about my sexual activity or inability to be close to anyone else but our
immediate family. He is protective, but it's time for him to step back.

I don't like everything the doctors have to say. They call me dependant and
clinical, all words I have heard before, only this time they include bi-polar and
manic.

Edward cries; he tries to hide his face but I see him.

I don't cry, I refuse to cry. Instead I come back at the doctors with "Help me
fight this." and "Tell me what to do."

"Mood disorders are hard to treat." One doctor hands Edward and me a pamphlet
on Manic depression and Bipolar affective disorder.

He goes on to describe rapid cycling and mixed episodes. His words about
isolation, self-loathing and sadness describe me perfectly.

It's not easy hearing that I have a classified mental illness. I am mentally
unstable, and while there are worse cases than mine. Cases where people cannot
function or live properly, it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

I refuse to cry.

I will face this head on.

Edward takes my hand and winks, having wiped the tears from his eyes. He is on
my team: Team Bella.

They want me admitted for further observation. Edward refuses and I don't find it
necessary. Instead, we thank them, take the pamphlets and a new understanding
on my condition and leave but not before my meds are changed and also
reevaluated.

With an array of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, Edward and I drive home
in a comfortable silence. He reminds me that everything is ok, that I'm not alone
… he won't ever leave me.

"You can't drink Dr. Pepper," Edward laughs, rubbing my cheek as we sit at a red
light.

"But I love Dr. Pepper," I whine, playing along.

When the light turns green Edward goes on and on about stress management and
ridding the house of caffeine. We're going to join a gym and get a dog because
dogs make people feel better.

"I'm going to be this way forever, Edward," I remind him, loving the idea of a
puppy but not deterred from the fact of the matter.

"So," he shrugs. "I'm always going to be like this…." Edward looks at me with
crossed eyes and a stupid smile while speaking about toast in a French accent.

My laughter echoes through out the cab of his truck.

Epilogue Part Three

EPOV

"Isabella Swan, I promise to love you for every moment of forever." I take a
breath, looking into Bella's eyes, holding onto her hands with sweaty palms and
shifty fingers.

All of our family and friends are watching.

My sister stands behind my girl; hair braided and dreaded, up and curled. A daisy
decorates her ear, Bella's bouquet in her hand.

Alice winks as Bella and I say "I do." She cries and wipes her tears away, always
knowing that this is where we would end up.

In the front row sit my father and mother, Chief Swan and Mrs. Swan. My parents
look up with shiny eyes and proud smiles. The Chief's normal 'Boy' look has
transformed into subtle content.

Jasper taps on my shoulder, handing me her ring. He smiles, hugging me before
stepping back into his place in front of Emmett. Rosalie, who stands beside Alice,
sniffs loudly … causes everyone to laugh, including Bella.

Bella's lips are colored with a deep ruby red lipstick. The rest of her make-up is
left simple. Her hair is curled loosely and pinned up on the left side with a
barrette given to her by my mother. Her nails are painted red; a heart shaped
necklace surrounds her neck, a present from her dad.

Bella's skin is ivory; smooth … she is godly and unfairly beautiful today. By
tradition I wasn't supposed to see her until she walked down the aisle.

Fuck tradition, I snuck into her room before I even came outside.

I put the barrette in her hair and whispered against her flushed cheeks. I helped
clasp the button on her dress and slipped her shoes on so she wouldn't wrinkle.
Bella ran her fingers through my hair because she likes it better when it's messy.
She loosened my tie and smeared a little lipstick on my collar. I tried to talk her
into running away together, skipping the ceremony and going straight into the
honey moon but she declined

'I want everyone to see how much I love you,' she said before Alice came running
in the room with a pointed finger and a joint on her lips.

Now we're here, me slipping a ring on her finger and her sighing with
completeness.

"We can run away now," Bella whispers, looking between me and her ring finger.

"Not yet," I whisper back, saying my vows and listening to hers.

The priest tells me to kiss my bride … my bride. I take her in my arms while the
crowd whistles, claps and cries and I kiss her. Red lipstick smears, more hands in
the hair and a few cleared throats but I kiss her relentlessly.

This is officially forever.

Bella's head leans back, her laughter causes my heart to swell.

I kiss her again.

At twilight, Alice gives a speech about roller blades and hearts in the cement. She
mentions broken hearts and boarded up windows but asks us to remember that
this is the True Love Way.

"You guys have what most people only dream of. In love since you were ten,
unconditional and irreversible." She wipes her eyes, taking a gulp of her
champagne. "Remember the first time we all smoked out…."

Dad takes the microphone from Alice and gives his own speech about proud
parents and fulfilled expectations. His words about overcoming struggles and long
roads defeated cause me to choke up. Bella smiles with glossy eyes, kissing my
cheek.

Chief Swan is the next to speak. His speech is in the form of grumbles and
mumbles. Filled with "Boy, you better…." and "Boy, I always knew you were the
one." and "Boy, I'm not buying anymore M&M's" Ending his speech with a failing
voice and "Edward, I know you will take care of her because you always have."

Everyone watches while we share our first dance as a married couple.

"This is so fucking cliché," I dip Bella before continuing to sway in my parent's
backyard.

The trees decorated with twinkling lights and white roses. Tables with candles
and white linen decorate the area.

"Shut up, give me my moment." Bella laughs, laying her head against my chest.

Her hair smells like vanilla and almonds, bare feet on top of my shoes and ears
over beating hearts.

We dance in tiny circles, Bella's dress brushing along the grass. We don't talk,
only move and sigh until a tap on my shoulder and permission to cut in is asked
proudly from Chief Swan.

I kiss Bella on her forehead, then her cheek and the corner of her mouth before
handing her over to her dad and taking my sister by her hand. My sister smells
like weed and lilacs, she has the giggles and blood shot eyes.

Alice and I spin in playful circles, laughing until we cry and hug until we can't
breathe.

"I know that I'm not the smartest person in the world, Edward, and I didn't do
much with my life but for what it is worth I am entirely proud of you and Bella."

My chin begins to quiver and my eyes start to betray me. "Alice, shut the fuck up.
You have done more for me and Bella than you could know. If it wasn't for you…."
I drop my forehead onto my sisters, trying to keep my composure. "….I don't
know where we would be without you."

She laughs. "Together, you were born to be together."

Jasper is the next to tap on my shoulder and ask to cut in. He offers me a small
smile and a pat on the back but only has eyes for Alice. The two of them just
work; meshing and gravitating in a way that is so intimate, I walk away with my
hands in my pockets and without a look back.

On the sidelines of the dance floor I am able to steal some time alone. I order a
beer from the bar and hide in the tree line, leaning against the trees Bella and I
used to play in as kids.

The music is loud, voices echo and laughter floats. The cold beer is relief on my
warm lips. I loosen my tie and unbutton a few buttons of my shirt before rolling
up my sleeves and untucking it from my pants.

I can see Bella with the Chief from here; they dance in circles song after song.
Beside them are my parents, looking more in love than I have ever seen. Emmett
and Rosalie Hale, who have been together longer that me and Bella, whisper
playfully before Em spins her away from him.

But it's Bella who my eyes always return to. Chief Swan's cheek lies on top of her
head, his black and gray mustache moves as he gives her advice and words of
love. Bella cries, wiping her face clean. Her lips are stained red but the lips stick
has been gone since I kissed it all off during the ceremony; green grass stains on
her train.

I give them one more song before I head back towards my wife.

"I'm ready when you are," I whisper, taking her back from Chief Swan.

"We can't leave yet, the wedding isn't over." Bella kisses my cheek, allowing me
to pull her away from the dance floor.

I spin her a couple of times; she fits perfectly under my arm. Before Bella has a
chance to figure out what I'm doing, we are running away from our wedding and
heading towards my Volvo. She giggles and runs, holding her dress up. I'm right
behind her, lifting the back of her dress so that she doesn't slip.

We run until the music is a distant noise and the car is in our sight.

"You did this on purpose, hid the car around the block." Bella laughs, dropping
her dress and gasping for a breath.

With lips at her ear, the other on the car door handle. "I can only share you for so
long. I was beginning to lose my fucking mind."

Running around to the other side of the car, Bella and I drive back to Seattle with
our cell phones off and the stereo blasting Nirvana. I smoke a cigarette and Bella
pulls at her dress. She releases her hair from the barrette, and unties some of
the string from her garter tie up in the back.

Two hours later we are running towards our front door. Bella has given up on
holding her dress up and concentrates more on getting out of it as fast as
possible.

Once we are through the front door, her and I both work on the string and lace
until the dress falls to her feet and Bella sighs with relief. She stands in the entry
way with only white panties and a white bra on. I give her about ten seconds to
catch her breath before I'm on her.

My hands are in her hair, her back is pressed against the wall and her legs are
wrapped around my waist.

"I love you," I whisper against her lips, pushing her bra up.

Bella's head falls back and hits the wall with a thump. "I love you," She whispers
back, circling her hips.

Slowly making our way back to our bedroom, we are undressed and a tangled
mess of limbs and heavy breaths in no time at all. Her smooth legs run up and

down mine, Bella's back is arched and her mouth is open. I press into her, slowly
and fully.

With the sounds of her love in my ear, the memories of our past are in my
mind….

The first time I saw her….

Joint birthday parties and peace signs on her cheek.

Roller blades and feet pushing my bike.

I kiss along Bella's neck, her hands run up and down my back and I dip into her.
Love consumes, love conquers.

Bella whispering with Alice on the couch. I only ignored her because I liked her so
much.

Notes across the lawn.

Saving all of my M&M's in a box under my bed.

"Edward," Bella moans. Her chest pressed against my own.

"Shhhhh…." I kiss the corner of her mouth, diving into her.

Everything about our childhood flips through my mind, one thing after another;
teaching Bella how to use her tampons, and our first kiss. Hiking in the woods
and holding hands. She wanted to have sex, and finding out she was depressed.
Starting high school and a rainbow of sunglasses. Stolen peacock feathers and
staying awake all night long.

I remember all of it, even our breakup.

Sitting in the police cruiser with Chief Swan after prom….

"Don't punch my car, Boy."

Grinding my teeth, pulling at my hair. I cry, I sob … I am hysterical. "How can
you let her be with him? You hated me. You hate me but you let her be with him
so easily."

Chief swan scoffs, pulling a flask from his jacket and offering me a drink after he
takes a long swig. "Do you think I'm stupid, Boy." He laughs, taking another
drink. "I know that kid is trouble. I didn't do this for him, I did it for her."

"Prom Queen," I whisper, ironically.

"I don't hate you, Boy, but I love my girl and sometimes kids need to learn the
hard way." He looks at me, offering me another drink. "Some day you will thank
me for this lesson."

Bella pushes me onto my back, climbing on top and dropping her self slowly onto
my length. She moves her hips back and forth, head tipped back. I touch her
legs, her stomach … her chest.

"You took the wood down?"

I look up at my sister and nod, not interested in talking about it.

Alice sits next to me. "Bella seems happy about it."

Taking a chance I look up from my book and look out the window and over to
Bella's. I haven't had the balls to look yet, too afraid to see what I would find,
ashamed that I put it up in the first place.

But there she is, with a small smile and an even smaller wave she closes her
curtains and walks away.

I sit up, wrapping one arm around Bella's back and placing my other hand on her
hip. She moves back and forth with closed eyes and raised skin. I touch her; feel
her … remembering everything.

How it felt to see her with Jacob Black at that party. How it felt even worse to
fight him and lose, again. Living everyday in a fucking haze and staying away
despite wanting nothing more than to go to her.

I will always regret not going to her sooner but I'll never regret the lesson
learned.

I run my hand along her face, lips touching and tongues gliding. I grip into her
skin and rock back and forth as she comes. Bella holds onto my shoulders,
confessions of love and forever exchange until tears leave her eyes and bodies
collapse.

Bella smiles, hooded eyes and flushed cheeks. She runs her hands though my
sweaty hair, locks her legs around mine so I can't pull out. "Happy Wedding Day,
Edward," she whispers.

I nod, my hand brushing over her chest. "Happy Birthday, Bella."

Epilogue Part Four

EPOV

"B, I'm home, baby." I drop my keys onto the counter, blow out a candle Bella
left lit and sift through some of the mail that was left here for me to see.

Bills, junk and congratulation cards that are still coming in from this weekends no
shows.

"I'm back here!" She yells between splashing water and a loud TV.

I take off my jacket and empty my pockets before heading back towards our
bedroom. The TV is on, blasting so that Bella can hear it in the bathroom. I turn it
off, Bella says, "Hey!" but when I turn the radio on instead she shuts up.

I lean in the doorway of the muggy bathroom. Bella sits in the bathtub, bubbles
up to her neck and candles lit on every surface.

"I've been telling you since we were fourteen about these fucking candles, Bella."
I laugh, unbuttoning my shirt.

"Oh, I know, I just love them so much." Bella looks up at me, lifting her knees so
I have room to get in.

I drop my shirt to the floor, step out of my shoes and get into the water. Bubbles
overflow and water spills onto the floor. Bella laughs loudly while she sticks her
feet in my lap and lays back, not caring that I just got in with my pants still on.

"You're silly," she sighs, lifting her hair up and tying it into a knot.

I don't stay on my side of the tub for long; I'm up on my knees, between her legs
and over her belly. I kiss her lips, then her cheek, then her chin … her chest, our
growing baby.

"How are you doin' today, B?" I rub my hand back and forth over our baby girl.

"Tired, hungry and a little bit moody." Bella closes her eyes. "I thought of a name
though."

"You did?" I stand up and take off my pants so that I can sit behind Bella. With
her back pressed against my chest, my knees up on each side of her body, both
of our hands lie on top of her swollen belly.

"Layla," she says, playing in the bubbles.

"Like the song?"

"Yeah, like the song."

I kiss the top of her shoulder, watching as goose bumps spread along her skin.
"It's beautiful."

"I went through the rest of the gifts from the baby shower." Bella smiles, "Your
sister got the baby one of those pacifiers with crystals all over it. It's so, so
pretty."

"That's nice." I kiss her neck and her spot right below her ear.

The bathroom is dark, candles being our only light. Bella goes on and on about
the baby shower we had this last weekend. We got almost everything we need
with the exception of a few small things. I tell her about the cards that came in
the mail, Bella hopes that there is a Target gift card in one or two of them
because she has recently discovered her love for all things Target.

After she tells me about cribs that need assembling and so much pink she wants
to puke, we fall into a comfortable silence.

"I mean, just because she is a girl doesn't mean she has to wear pink all of the
time, right?" Bella looks back, I only smirk.

"Right, baby," I assure her.

"I stated on the invitation, No Pink, and still, it's all we got." She giggles, rambles
and laughs.

"I like pink, it's gentle." I smile, already knowing her reaction.

"Gentle?" Bella scoffs.

"And soft."

"and cute," Bella sighs, defeated.

The water starts to cool; Bella uses her big toe to turn the hot water back on. We
fill the tub until it's spilling over the side. Anytime one of us moves more water
spills onto the floor. The bubbles are long gone, and our skin is pruned.

I could fall asleep.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, baby?" I clear my throat and open my eyes.

"I'm afraid."

I nod, knowing already that she is. It's a conversation we have had over and over
since Bella found out she was pregnant; will her depression be passed on to our
baby? Does it really even matter?

In three more months our girl will be here and our fears will become real life.
They are fears we have always had, fears that keep Bella from being able to sleep
or eat. But fears that we cannot allow to runaway with the happiness of the larger
importance: Bella and I are going to have a baby.

A healthy and happy baby girl; Layla.

"Everything will be ok."

"Promise?" she asks, voice small.

Regardless, everything will be ok. "I promise."

With my hand on her belly, Bella's head on my chest, I close my eyes again. I
drift in and out of sleep while Bella sings along with the radio and the water cools
again. One by one the candles go out, being lit for too long.

When we are left in the dark and in cold water Layla starts to kick.

"Did you feel that?" Bella holds my hand down on her kicking tummy.

With closed eyes, I nod. "Yeah."

The baby kicks again and again …. Proof of life, a life Bella and I made together.
Proof of love and proof that everything will be ok.

No matter what.

Epilogue Part Five

BPOV

After all of these years we are back to where it all started.

This will be good for us. Edward swears this is the right thing to do.

I lean my head against the cold truck window, watching as the trees pass over
and over again. The sky is gray and the road is wet. I already called and let
everyone know we were almost there; they should be waiting.

"Are you ok, B?" Edward asks from behind the wheel.

He is as gorgeous as he has ever been. The last ten years have done nothing to
disturb his perfection. His hair is in its normal disarray and his face is as strong as
it ever was.

"I'm fine, just tired." I promise.

Edward was offered a job at Forks General Hospital. Included was a salary
decrease and a small town but what we got in return was peace of mind and
security.

Layla owns many pairs of glasses.

Given my history, I questioned the first time we gave her a pair. Her anxiety on
her first day of kindergarten was enough to confirm what we already expected. It
was like déjà vu. Watching her cry, scream and beg for us to take her home until
Edward pulled out a pair of green circle sunglasses from his back pocket. He
whispered into her ear, swearing that with her glasses everything will be ok. No
one can see her nervousness with them on, she is protected.

Does it make us bad parents?

I don't know, it's just what we knew to do at the time.

Since Layla was two we were greeted with tempter tantrums and days without
words. The pediatricians tried to tell us it was too soon to know for sure, but we
already knew. I lived it, Edward lived it.

As she grew the signs only became more predominant.

Forks will be good for her, for us.

For her.

Being a parent is not simple. Layla doesn't have many friends; she has a hard
time recognizing her feelings and the things that are happening to her. It is not
easy sitting back and watching your daughter go through the motions. Edward
and I fight sometimes; no one wants to see their daughter hurt.

Layla sees a psychiatrist and a therapist often. Opting to stay away from any type
of medication until she is older, we have discovered other ways to deal with child
hood depression.

Eating habits, sleeping habits. Moving back to Forks.

Our daughter sits in the back of the moving truck, Pink Hello Kitty glasses on her
face and head phones over her ears. She looks a lot like Edward with a pinch of
me. Hazel eyes, brown hair … She likes to wear my old band tees and lets Alice
braid her hair and paint her fingers ten different colors.

She's ten, almost eleven.

"This will be ok, we'll be ok here," Edward says behind his black ray-bans and a
crooked smirk.

I take off my pink heart glasses, sticking them into my bag. I try not to wear
them around Layla but old habits die hard.

"Of course it will be," I confirm, smiling when I see our entire family waiting
outside of our new home.

Edward parks the moving truck against the curb and turns off the engine. He
shakes Layla's leg and tells her to put the iPod away. She mumbles under her
breath but does as he says.

He opens the door for me, Layla jumps over the center console and leaps into
Alice. It is scary how much alike they are. Everyone is here; Mr. and Mrs. Cullen,
Alice and Jasper, my parents. We had a house built before we came, far enough
away from our families to provide some privacy but close enough to call them
over and have them be here in ten minutes if we need them.

We don't have many neighbours and live off of an unpaved road. The closest
house is a half a block away, but within sight.

After our initial hello's and nice to see ya's, we start to unload the truck. Layla
has her ear phones back on, carrying her boxes from the truck to the porch.

She is lazy.

Really fucking lazy.

"She's your daughter." I laugh, watching Edward scowl at his only daughter.

"Yeah, well she's fucking grounded." He pushes the next set of her boxes to the
edge of the truck.

When Edward jumps out of the truck, he walks right past me and step towards
the front of the truck. He runs his hand through his hair and mumbles under his
breath. I still can't see what he is looking at so I head in his direction, dying when
I see what he sees.

"Don't even fucking say it," He grumbles. "Layla, your boxes are not going to
move themselves," He calls out, giving his own "Boy' look.

Standing at the end of our lawn with our daughter is a group of boys on bicycles.
Layla blows bubbles and smiles with rosy cheeks. One of the boys, the one is
front, has eyes for my girl … it's written all over his face.

He has it bad.

"Boy, you better get away from my daughter!" Edward yells, loud enough to
scare away a few of the boys but not 'The' Boy.

"Dad!" Layla shrieks. "You're so embarrassing, Dad!" She kicks her foot and
scrunches her eyebrows.

I take Edward's hand, pulling him away from the boy and Layla. He throws his
arm over my shoulders, bitching about boys with bad intentions and puppy dog
eyes.

It's all so familiar.

"I remember you having bad intentions too, Edward."

He looks at me with amusement in his eyes. "That's different, I loved you the
moment I saw you."

I laugh, because in the end laughing always feels good.

"And I love you," I say reaching up on my tippy toes, whispering into his ear.

Edward lifts me up into the moving truck, tucking me in the back corner. With
bad intentions and his own set of puppy dog eyes, he takes advantage of me.

It's like we're teenagers again; sneaking around to give kisses and hold hands,
heavy breathing and intense lips. He swears he loves me, he promises I'm his
everything.

And I believe him because it has always been him and this is our very own True
Love Way.