After he saves her from certain death, Tawny Smith falls for her knight
in shining armor.
Judd O'Keefe isn't an easy man to love though. As an enforcer for the
Johansson family business, he hides his heart behind cold walls built
from a lifetime of pain. Yet, his angel Tawny awakens a desire in Judd
more powerful than he ever imagined possible.
Can a man with blood on his hands heal the damaged girl of his
dreams?
Damaged and the Knight Bijou Hunter

Chapter One
Different girls have different dreams. My sister Farah wanted to be a
teacher and live a safe life with a safe man. She wanted average. My
only dream was not to die violently.
When I was ten, a nice lady at the motel we lived at would often give
me candy. As I grew older, I suspected the reason Melody's kids didn't
live with her was because she was a prostitute and the mean man she
lived with was her pimp. Back then, I only knew she had a sweet smile
and a pretty laugh. I wanted to laugh pretty like Melody, but my dad
said I had a donkey laugh.
As I hid in the motel room years later, I thought back to her sweet
smile. When the paramedics took Melody away, her face was a bloody
mess and I couldn't even see where her eyes and nose were anymore. A
victim of violence at the hands of her boyfriend/pimp, her beautiful
face was gone forever. Days later, I heard from the ladies who worked
with Melody how she hadn't made it.
Every night afterwards, I prayed to die quickly like in a car accident. I
just didn't want to die from having my face pounded in.
This fear kept me from leaving the motel room long after I ran out of
food. I refused to die at the hands of the strange men messing with the
door. Knocking and laughing, they often peeked in the window. They
were still playing, but soon their games would end.
I wasn't a religious type and didn't grow up learning about God. I just
knew some people had darkness inside them. While good people could
do bad things, bad people were simply bad and there was no fixing
them.
My dad was bad, but he wasn't obviously evil. He had a handsome face
and a really great smile. People loved that smile and so did I. When he
smiled, I knew I was safe. When he wasn't smiling, I worried. Since
Farah left for college, I worried a lot.
Now, I waited.
A few times, I imagined climbing out of the window and running away
until I found a good person or the police. I pictured escaping, but reality
took hold and I imagined what those men next door would do if

they caught me. No matter how hungry I became, I feared their hands
on me more than starvation.
Leaving through the door wasn't possible since I'd pushed a dresser
against it. Too weak and exhausted to move it now, I waited with a
knife in my hand. Whether I used it on them or me, the blade was the
way the end would come.
I knew the men next door were bad because only bad people stayed in
this motel on the lonely highway. This was why Dad hid us there.
Under a death sentence, Dad had borrowed money from bad guys to
pay off other bad guys then stole money from nice people to pay back
the second bad guys. Eventually, both the police and bad guys were on
his tail.
Those last few days, I learned to hate my dad. Whining about needing
Farah back, he left me to die. Sometimes, I imagined using the knife on
him if he returned. Kill him and end his pointless life. Not only could I
stop him from hurting people, I might finally leave this awful motel.
The knock sounded loud in my head and I prayed my father had
returned. As much as I hated him, I needed to leave this place. If he
took me anywhere with normal people, I would find my way back to
Farah.
Someone was at the window. Though my father was a decently built
man, he wouldn't shadow everything with his size like the man outside.
I hid out of view as the man peered through the crack in the curtains.
"Tawny Smith."
His voice wasn't loud, but it held an edge. Not angry, yet willing to
cause me pain if I didn't answer. Yet, I remained silent because it was
safer to let him come get me. If I hid in the corner and looked as afraid
as I felt, he wouldn't think I was a threat. He might get close enough for
me to cut him before he hurt me. After I cut him, I would suffer, but
that would happen anyway.
"Cooper Johansson sent me."
Instead of his words, my mind focused on the blade in my hand. After
working at the door again, he peeked in the window. I nearly felt his
frustration as my mind returned to the name Cooper Johansson.

Cooper loved Farah. She was his girl. He said she was more beautiful
the more she showed to him. Cooper was sending someone to bring me
to Farah.
Standing, I walked cautiously towards the window. Outside, a dark
haired man frowned at me. His blue eyes were beautiful, but cold.
"Tawny Smith," he said, officially losing his temper.
"Yes."
"Your sister's boyfriend sent me. Open the door."
"My sister?"
"Are you opening the door or do I need to kick the fucking thing in?" he
asked then clenched his heavily stubbled jaw before sighing. Finally,
he added in a slightly less pissed off voice, "Open the door, Tawny."
"I can't. The dresser is against it and it's too heavy to move now."
The man stared at me like I was a moron and he was probably right. I
wasn't even strong enough to climb through the window. While I could
flop out, I wasn't willing to face what might be waiting for me. Now,
the only threat outside was the gorgeous man frowning at me.
"Can you slide open the window?" he asked softly as if talking to a
stupid child.
Nodding, I set aside the blade and used both hands to pull the rusted
window open.
With only a screen separating us, he nearly whispered, "Move
back."
Obeying, I grabbed my blade and stood against the wall while he
shoved the screen into the room. Instead of awkwardly climbing in
with his size, he jumped headfirst, hit the ground, and rolled to his feet
like it was nothing. Well, his thick wavy hair was mussed.
When his eyes met mine, we stared at one another. Too handsome to be
real, he was somehow flesh and bone mere feet from me. Several
inches over six feet, wide shouldered, and tanned, this man made me
feel both beautiful and hideous under his gaze.
His earlier irritation gone, he looked at me as if disinterested. For a
second though, I saw a glimmer of something hiding behind those cold
eyes. Maybe a humanity he didn't like showing people.

"I' m Judd," he said finally, glancing around. "My sister sent you?"
"Cooper wants you in Ellsberg. Pack up so we can leave."
Studying Judd, I was nervous to leave. Yet, based on his expression, I
had no a choice in the matter.
"Your shit," he said, taking my face in one of his strong rough hands.
At first, his gaze focused on the faded bruise across my chin caused by
Dad's belt buckle. Then, he stared into my eyes and asked, "Are you on
drugs?"
"Drugs make people stupid and I' m dumb enough already," I said,
reciting the words my father often told me. "Do you know my sister?"
Walking to the window, Judd pulled out his phone. As he spoke with
someone, I accepted this was real and I would be free if I did what he
said. Rushing to the bathroom where my dirty clothes were folded
neatly in a duffle bag, I grabbed my stuff before returning to Judd who
was still on the phone.
"She's fucked up or something, man," Judd said quietly. After a minute,
he sighed. "I'll get her out of here and feed her. Once she seems less out
of it, I'll have her call her sister." After a moment of silence, he glanced
at me over his shoulder. "Cooper, I'll call you when we're on the road."
Hanging up, he shoved the phone into the pocket of his dark leather
jacket. "You packed?"
"You'll take me to my sister."
Hearing the lack of a question in my words, Judd merely shoved the
dresser aside and gestured for me to follow him. I walked to the
doorway and stared out at the bright day. Even after spending the last
week convinced I would die in the motel, I was afraid to leave.
Stopping at a black Suburban, Judd frowned like he was ready to yell at
me. He had the same look on his face as my dad when the belt was
coming off. Judd didn't yell though. He only walked to where I stood,
grabbed my wrist, and tugged me into the parking lot. Opening the
passenger door, he cursed.
"Where are your shoes?"
When I didn't answer, Judd stalked back into the room to find

them. I stood next to the SUV and waited for him to return. Instead of
Judd' s voice, I heard the man who had taunted me for weeks. "Look
who is out and ready to play."
Tommy had small rat eyes and long stringy hair he hid under an old
cap. Even looking homeless, he was in charge of the other men and I'd
watched him intimidate the manager. Whatever Tommy did to gain his
power, he wanted only the one thing from me. Based on his smile, he
thought this was his lucky day.
"Pretty, pretty," Tommy murmured, rubbing at his long goatee while
his three friends grinned nearby. "Is Daddy around?"
Pressing myself against the SUV, I didn't answer him as I held the
blade behind me. I was so tired and my stomach felt hollowed out. All I
wanted was to see Farah who offered salvation.
"Fuck off," Judd said, shoving Tommy out of his way. Opening the
SUV door wider, he tossed my shoes and bag inside. "Get in the car."
Walking past Judd to climb into the SUV, I whispered, "They're going
to hurt you."
Judd's handsome face was hard like a statue and he didn't seem to hear
me before shutting the door. Walking around the SUV, he never
acknowledged the men.
Tommy continued to leer at me like he often did through the curtains
while promising to make me squeal. I didn't think he would give up his
prize with just one guy standing in his way.
Even moving fast, Tommy never stood a chance. Judd effortlessly
grabbed the freak and slammed his head against the SUV hood. The
first impact shattered Tommy's nose while the second strike splashed
blood across the windshield. Tossing him to the ground, Judd yanked
out a gun and used its butt to bash Tommy across the head.
When Tommy's friends moved to help him, Judd pointed the gun
at them. "Fuck off."
"You don't know who you're messing with," said one of the guys.
"I know enough to be sure if I blew this fucker's head off, you'd dump
him in a ditch somewhere instead of calling the cops. Now, either I' m
dropping all four of you or I let you walk away. How loyal are you
fucks?"

Apparently not very loyal, they backed away quickly. Judd held
Tommy by the back of his jacket and hit him again and again until the
freak who terrorized me for weeks hung limply. Dropping him on the
ground, Judd stomped hard on Tommy's groin. Finally, he wiped the
bloody gun handle on Tommy's jeans before returning the weapon to
his jacket.
Walking leisurely around the SUV, Judd joined me inside. He said
nothing while using the wipers to remove the blood from the
windshield. Despite the violence, Judd looked bored. Hell, he wasn't
even winded.
As we pulled away from the motel, I couldn't take my eyes off Judd. He
was both my handsome knight in shining armor and the scariest
motherfucker I'd ever seen.

Chapter Two
Judd wasn't a talkative man. We sat in silence for a long time then he
turned on a CD by Wanda Jackson. A few times, I glanced in his
direction, hoping he might say or do something to reassure me. Instead,
he pretended I wasn't in the SUV with him.
What I wanted more than anything was to talk to Farah, but Judd had
my phone. Staring out of the window, I noticed hints of Tommy's blood
around the edges of the windshield. Smiling, I recalled the sound of his
face smashing against the SUV. Judd picked this moment to finally
look at me.
"We need to get you fed."
"Okay," I said then added after a long moment of silence, "I'm sorry if
my clothes smell. I haven't done laundry and I haven't showered in a
few days. I've washed off, but I didn't want to be undressed with those
guys outside."
When Judd didn't react, I stared outside again. Eventually, we reached
a decent sized city and he pulled off the highway and into the parking
lot of a Denny's. I remembered Farah telling me recently how she quit
her job at Denny's after moving in with Cooper. Even after everything
Farah told me, I couldn't picture Ellsberg, her house, or even what
Cooper was like. She had been afraid of him, but in love too.
Sometimes, Farah seemed unsure of herself and their relationship, so I
couldn't be certain either. Soon, I would see her and meet him. The
second part scared me, but it was still days away.
"You'll eat then we'll find a hotel. Once that happens, you can call your
sister. Do you understand?"
I thought I nodded. When Judd only stared, I suspected I hadn't.
"How long will it take to drive to Kentucky?"
"We're catching a flight from Dallas.."
"I can't fly."
"Won't, you mean," he said, getting out of the SUV. Slamming the
door, he waited for me to follow. "I'm not driving to Kentucky."
Staring at him, I didn't know what I showed on my face, but he cupped
my cheeks and stared into my eyes.

"When did you last eat?" "A few days ago."
"Don't pig out then," he said, letting me go. Following him as he
walked swiftly to the front doors, I swallowed my fear and forced out
the words. "I'm afraid to fly."
"I don't care," Judd said, holding the door open for me. "Pull your hair
forward, so the waitresses can't see the bruises on your face and think
they need to ask questions."
Hiding behind my long dark hair, I hoped Farah would make Judd
understand. I was afraid of flying. While not pathologically afraid, I
didn' t want my first time flying to be with a scary mean man while I
felt sick. I could do it if Farah was with me. With Judd, I was too
scared.
The waitress paid me little attention. Pretty with a great smile, she kept
her eyes glued to Judd. He gave her a half smile then pretended she
wasn't there. She didn't seem to mind and I didn't blame her. When I
waitressed, I liked looking at hot guys too. I never thought anything
would happen, but looking was fun.
"Order something small."
"Like what?" I asked, looking over the extensive menu.
"Get something on the value meal. Those are smaller. If you eat too
much too fast, you'll puke and I'm not getting puked on."
After reading my few choices, I lifted my gaze to Judd's handsome
face. He looked at me with those cold eyes, daring me to annoy him.
"Can I have this?" I asked about the value meal.
"Whatever, but don't puke the pancakes up in the car. I'm not warning
you again."
I stared at Judd who ignored me until after he ordered. Once the
waitress left, he met my gaze with his indifferent eyes.
"Don't cry."
"I'm not."
"You look ready to bawl." "I need to use the restroom." "I' m not taking
you."
Sliding out of the booth, I felt the same way as when my father

talked down to me. Unlike his fake love for Farah, he never pretended
for me. Mostly because Farah was the one who would go to college and
give him something to brag about during his poker games.
Returning from the bathroom, I noticed a guy wink at me. Instantly
nervous, I hurried to the booth and stared at my hands.
"What?" he asked. When I avoided his gaze, he grumbled, "No crying."
"Okay."
Judd leaned his head back and cracked his neck. "We can catch a flight
tomorrow morning and be in Ellsberg by the afternoon."
Saying nothing, I wished I was already in Ellsberg. Judd tapped at the
table until I looked up at him.
"What's the problem, kid?"
"Some guy winked at me. I'm nervous."
"What guy?" he asked, gazing around the place with his cranky stare.
"Whoever it was is some asshole checking out the hot chick. Don't get
all weird about it. If he messes with you, I'll do what I did to your
boyfriend back at the motel."
When his gaze returned to my face, Judd narrowed his eyes. "Do not
cry."
"If Cooper paid you more money, would you stop being an asshole?"
Judd gave me a little grin. "How much more?" "I don't know. How
much money does he have?" "Maybe not enough if you plan to cry."
"You're the reason I want to cry."
"How do you figure? You've looked like that since the minute we met.
I can't imagine you were already hating my personality back then."
"That guy wasn't my boyfriend," I muttered. "He planned to rape and
kill me. He said so lots of times and that's why I was trapped in there.
You know he wasn't my boyfriend, but you're being mean just to be
mean. Your lack of manners makes me want to cry."
Judd gave me a half smile and nodded. "If my lack of manners is all it
takes to get you bawling, you're never going to shut up. Might have to
drug you for the flight."

"I'm not flying."
"I' m not driving you. It'll take days." "Farah won't let you make me
fly." "Farah isn't my boss."
Judd said the words, but I knew he was thinking about how his boss
paid money to make Farah happy. That happiness meant we weren't
flying. He didn' t admit this fact, but I saw it on his face.
When our food arrived, I was careful to eat slowly. No matter how
much Cooper paid Judd, I didn't doubt he'd yell at me if I puked in his
car. The entire meal was silent and Judd didn't even look at me. He
stared at his food or at loud people. He also kept an eye out for trouble.
I saw the way his jaw tensed when he viewed someone as a possible
threat.
Even eating slowly and leaving behind food when my stomach
cramped, I felt sick as we headed to Wal-Mart. Judd decided I needed
clean clothes because mine were dirty and he didn't want to waste time
washing them.
Shopping with Judd wasn't fun. He acted like I was an inconvenience
and scared all of the clerks with his cold glare. He was like a less
charming version of my dad. The only upside was Judd didn't expect
me to shoplift.
Looking over the clothes, I wasn't sure what to buy because I hadn' t
gone shopping at a real store in years. We usually went to Goodwill and
mostly stole what we could. Now, I had the instructions of "buy
something fast, kid" to guide me.
After checking a rack with cute sweatpants, I returned a pink pair.
"What was wrong with those?" Judd muttered, crossing his arms.
"They're seventeen dollars."
A frowning Judd blinked and his expression eased. Sighing, he stepped
closer. "Kid, I don't give a shit. It's fucking Wal-Mart. Whatever they
sell in here ain't bankrupting me. Just pick some fucking clothes, so we
can go."
"You like to say fucking a lot, don't you?" I muttered while adding the
sweatpants to the cart.
"It's like verbal salt. I enjoy sprinkling it on everything."

Smiling at him, I grabbed a few more sweatpants then added two pairs
of jeans. While I waited for Judd to bitch about how much I was taking,
the idea of new clothes was too much to pass up and I kept adding
things.
Judd didn' t seem to care about anything as he followed me around. He
grunted an order to get a new toothbrush and beauty crap. The only
other time he showed interest was when I was picking out panties and
he told me to get the other kind. Apparently, he wasn't a fan of plain
white underwear. Following his suggestion, I picked the package full
of polka dotted pink panties.
Before we finished shopping, I stopped for my second bathroom break.
My stomach wanting to get rid of the food from earlier, I sat with my
head between my legs and breathed slowly until the nausea passed.
When I returned to where Judd waited, I couldn't help grinning.
He looked so wrong sitting on the little bench next to an old lady. Judd
and the woman were both messing with their phones. I nearly laughed
at the sight of them, but felt too sick to let out a good chuckle. "You
look like shit," he said, standing up. "Did you puke?" "No."
"Do you feel like you might?"
"Yes."
"Cork it. I'm not interested in holding your hair. Let's finish up."
Nodding, I followed him as he shoved the cart towards the front of the
store. Once in line, I tried to steady myself, but I felt so dizzy. Judd
finally had me hold onto the cart while he dumped things onto the
conveyer belt.
"Can I have bubble gum?" I mumbled, staring at the choices. "Shit. Just
grab something, so we can go."
Without looking at him, I grabbed two packages and added them to the
rest of the stuff. As soon as we were in the car, I opened one packet and
popped a piece of gum into my mouth. Judd frowned at me then drove
us to a nice hotel. It was so nice that a man brought our bags to the
suite.
Judd dumped the bags of clothes on the bed before returning to the
sitting room where the bigger TV was located. Turning on the flat

screen, he glanced at me.
"Take a shower, put on new clothes, call your sister, go to sleep.
Understand?"
I did as I was told because Judd wasn't the kind of man to disobey. He
was a million times scarier than Dad and my jaw still hurt from when
my dad last felt I disobeyed him.
After scrubbing myself clean, I dressed in the two piece pajamas Judd
bought. I returned to the sitting area to find him waiting.
"I'll dial your sister, you'll talk to her, say happy shit, then tell her we'll
fly in tomorrow. Do you understand?" he asked as his cold eyes dared
me to push the flying issue.
"Yes."
Judd handed me his phone then pressed a button. "I'll wait on the
balcony."
Still dizzy, I sat down and watched Judd walk outside. He looked
underdressed for the fancy room we were in, yet I suspected he didn't
give a shit. Judd had a way of seeming like he never gave a shit.
Once the phone clicked and I heard Farah's voice, I breathed easier.
Even with so much distance between us and my fatigue, I felt like she
was just an arm's reach away.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"Yes. I feel a little sick from not eating and I haven't slept well, but I' m
safe."
"Did you have any issues? Cooper made it sound like those guys were
around, but he didn't really tell me much."
"They tried to grab me, but Judd handled them." "So he's taking care of
you."
Studying Judd out on the balcony, I said nothing and the silence was
long and loud.
"He isn't hurting you, is he?" Farah whispered.
"No," I said quickly. "He's just a jerk. Rough, I guess. He saved me and
got me new clothes and fed me. He's taking care of me, but not in a nice
way. I know it's not his job to be nice."
"You don't want to fly, do you?"
"Judd says we have to, but I'm scared and he makes me nervous."

"Then, you can drive. It'll only be a few days. Barely that." "He said we
have to fly."
Farah heard my meaning and sighed. "I'll pull rank."
Grinning, I imagined hugging Farah and being safe. "Cooper loves
you."
"Hell yeah, he does."
We laughed. "Is he mad that I' m coming?"
"Of course not. He's even got your rooms ready. Well, kinda ready.
You can fix them up when you get here."
The whole rooms plural thing made no sense to me, but I grunted an
affirmation. "I miss you."
"You'll be safe here and we'll be together."
"What about Cooper?"
"It's going to be okay, Tawny. When it comes to me, Cooper
understands everything. He knows I need you." "Okay."
"Don't be scared of that guy. He's doing a job. Maybe he's scary, but
Cooper didn't send him because he was the nicest guy he could find. He
sent him to make sure no one interfered. Coop promised me you would
get here safe and he keeps his promises."
"Because he loves you."
"Yes," Farah said and I heard the emotion in her voice. "It's so good
here, but I need you to make it perfect." "Soon."
"Soon," she said.
Once we hung up, I walked to the balcony where Judd still stood. He
glanced back at me and frowned.
"Chicks and tears. It's like a given." "I miss my sister."
Judd nodded and looked back at the view. "I know." "She says we're
not flying."
Cocking an eyebrow, he smirked. "Did she?" Nodding, I stepped
towards the edge and looked down. "You're not scared of heights, are
you?"
"No, I like being up high. It makes me feel special. Rich people

live up high."
Judd said nothing, his normally cold gaze a bit warmer. "You look like
shit. I checked the room service menu and they have soup here. I
wouldn't suggest you eat too much. Just the broth then crash since I
don't need you carsick tomorrow."
When I just stared at him, Judd rolled his eyes and stared at the
view.
"How do I order the soup?" I finally asked.
Judd looked ready to say something nasty, but stopped himself and
returned to the room to order. As I sat on the little loveseat and stared at
the dark television, he watched me like he was trying to figure out how
to fit the chunks of my body into a suitcase. When I finally met his gaze
and dared him to chop me up, Judd grinned.
"You look funny when you give that look. Like you're thinking real
hard," he said, flopping into a chair with the remote. "Don't hurt
yourself, kid."
"Do you live in Ellsberg?" I asked as he flipped from channel to
channel too quickly to really be looking for anything to watch. "Yes."
"Did you grow up there?"
"No."
"Do you like it there?" "Sure."
"Do you think I'll like it there?"
"Your sister is shacked up with the prince of the fucking place. I'm sure
you'll live a pretty sweet life in Ellsberg." "Are the people nice there?"
"Not really. Maybe two percent of the people are nice." "So the other
ninety eight percent are like you?" Judd grinned. "Sounds about right.
You should fit in." "How am I not nice?"
"You got a look about you. Like the little girl act is a con and you'll shiv
me while I sleep."
"It's getting late, so I guess we'll see."
Smiling growing, he watched the TV, instead of me. "I'm sleeping

in here next to my weapons and keeping one eye open. You best mess
someone else, little girl."
"I'm not feeling great, so I'll probably wait to shiv you until I'm up to all
the laughing and pointing I'll want to do after I get the drop on
you."
Judd laughed. "You would mock me afterwards, wouldn't you?"
"Of course. You're a big guy. Fast and strong too. If I take you down, I'
m totally enjoying the triumph."
"Good for you," he said quietly, a smile on his lips and a strange look in
his eyes.
Even feeling awkward under his gaze, I didn't look away. Judd was
handsome and I wanted to feel safe with him. Until I was back with
Farah, I craved a few moments of safety. Mostly, I feared what I would
find in Ellsberg. Now that Farah was safe with Cooper, would she
slowly stop loving me now that she found someone better?
"Soup's here," Judd finally said after we watched each other for a few
minutes.
As I sipped the broth, Judd pretended to ignore me. I knew he wasn't
really watching television. His face was too perfectly stoic like he was
working hard to make himself seem cold.
"Do you want the rest?" I asked.
Judd frowned at me. "If I wanted soup, I'd have ordered myself some.
I'm not a dog begging for scraps."
Scowling at his ridiculous anger, I shrugged. "I don't want to waste the
rest. Can we put it in the mini frig and I'll eat it in the morning?"
Judd's frown eased. "Fuck it. I'll eat it."
"No, it's mine," I said, standing up. "I offered and you got grumpy.
Now, you can't have it."
"I'll just eat it after you go to sleep."
"I respect your honesty," I said, setting the bowl into the little frig next
to the expensive treats. "It's a rare quality in a thief."
Judd grinned. "Don't lock the bedroom door. If we have trouble, I don' t
want to have to kick that shit down."
When I stared at him, he stared back. We were both thinking how with
it unlocked he could whatever he wanted. Before I might be

bothered, I remembered that with his size, strength, and weapons he
could do whatever he wanted anyway. Of course, he 'd have to deal
with Cooper. Either way, I was going to bed and leaving the door
unlocked like instructed.
In the dream, I was back at the motel, starving and trapped. The
weirdoes had broken through the door and were coming for me. I was
trapped in that room and no one was coming to save me. Judd had been
a dream and I would die violently just as I always feared.
Even after I knew it was only a dream and Judd had saved me, the
weirdoes kept punching me and the blows felt achingly real. By the
time I woke up, I was sweaty and in a panic.
Grabbing a blanket, I ran to the living room to see if Judd was real. I
found him asleep in a chair with his feet propped up on a table. The TV
was still on and it threw off weird lights in the dark room. Watching
Judd, I tried to calm myself, but I felt hands on me, tearing away my
clothes. It wasn't real, but Judd didn't feel real either.
Whimpering behind my hand, I was still too loud and his eyes opened
as if he hadn't been asleep at all. Judd stared at me for a moment then
whispered, "Angel."
Another minute passed as I tried to quiet myself and he stared like I was
a ghost. Once he sat up, his frown looked more like the one I'd seen the
day before.
"What?"
Unable to explain my fear to a man like Judd, I knew he wouldn't
understand or care about a bad dream.
Judd stood up and switched off the television. Taking me by the back of
the neck, he maneuvered me to the bedroom.
"Get in."
Unwrapping the blanket from around me, I climbed into bed and
wondered what would happen next? While Judd had saved me, he
looked intimidating in the darkened room. He set a gun on the dresser
then pulled off his shirt and jeans. This was the moment when I
panicked enough for my breath to catch in my throat.
"Let's say," Judd whispered, "that some fuck was to show up here and
cause trouble. Let's say the piece of shit that put those bruises on

your face shows up here, do you know what would happen?"
As I shook my head, Judd laid over the covers I rested under.
"I would shoot the fucker. No warning shot. No flesh wound. One shot
and it would be over. Do you understand?"
Nodding, I watched as he stretched out on the other side of the bed.
"We're not fucking, kid. I just want some sleep and you got yourself all
worked up over a bad dream. This way, you'll quiet down and I' ll get
rest. We both win and nothing more is going to happen," he said,
closing his eyes.
"Thank you," I whispered, lying down too.
"With that said, you'd be smart to keep on your side of the bed. If you
start fondling me in the dark, I might forget where I am and who I'm
with and I won't stop. Get it?"
Staring at him, I sighed. "I shared a bed with my sister for years and
never fondled her. I'm sure it'll be fine."
Judd smiled in the dark. "Good to hear. Now, go to sleep."
Maybe ten minutes passed before I suspected Judd was asleep. I heard
the way his breathing softened and slowed. Yet, even with the gun
nearby and a big scary guy to protect me, I was afraid.
My mind returned to the sound of Tommy's face slamming into the car.
How his blood splattered across the windshield and he flopped to the
ground like a ragdoll. Once I remembered the way Judd intimidated
those perverts, I fell asleep smiling.

Chapter Three
The first time I woke up, a sleeping Judd had his back to me. I stared at
the tanned muscles before focusing on a large pirate ship tattoo. The
design was so detailed I felt like a real man stared back at me from the
deck. My fingers went to trace the lines until I remembered what Judd
said about fondling him. Pulling my hand back, I stared at the tattoo
until dozing off again.
The second time I woke up, the room was brighter and Judd was facing
me. With an arm propped under his chin, he studied my face for nearly
a minute after I opened my eyes. He didn't seem to notice I was awake,
but it was probably that he didn't care. His strong fingers reached out
and brushed hair away from my face. Trying not to shiver from his
touch, I failed.
Judd showed no reaction to my reaction. He just watched me for
another moment or two then pulled his hand away and sat up.
"It's after nine," he announced. "You need to get cleaned up, so we can
grab breakfast downstairs before they stop serving it at ten. I want to
get on the road soon, since your sister pulled rank and we're driving."
Sitting up, I watched him pull his tee over his head. There was
something entirely too tempting about his strong shoulders down to his
lean waist. Overwhelmed with lust, I was afraid to make eye contact
with Judd. Yet, he knew what I was thinking. When I finally looked at
Judd, I found him smirking.
"Never going to happen," he said, walking out of the room.
Judd sounded as if he meant the words, but his hungry expression
earlier made me think he wasn't convinced.
Soon, I was showered, dressed, packed, and we were headed
downstairs for the hotel's continental breakfast. I'd never stayed in a
hotel that served breakfast and it was better than I expected. I bagged
up extras because Judd muttered something about having me pee in a
bottle, so we could drive the whole day.
Once in the SUV, Judd turned on a CD and ignored me for the first
hour. Using his phone, I texted Farah. When I asked about our mother,
Farah only said she was gone. Long after I set the phone aside, I
thought

about what "gone" meant.
Amy Jones Smith was a lifelong loser. Con woman, addict, coward, she
was our mother though. Farah likely wanted something from Amy
when she moved in with her in Ellsberg. My sister always dreamed of a
normal family and life. I suspected she hoped Amy was sober enough
to be a different person. Instead, our mother stole Farah's nest egg,
much like she stole our innocence when she left us with those bikers.
Since the silence bored me and I didn't like the music we were listening
to, I decided to talk until he told me to shut up.
"My mom might be dead," I said, staring out the window. "Or she
might just be hiding."
"Do you care which way it turns out?" When I shook my head, Judd
nodded. "My dad disappeared years ago. Some people say he's living in
Mexico. Most think he's dead. I prefer the last one. No harm in hoping
for the death of people who have it coming."
"She wasn't a good person."
"No doubt."
"She stole my sister's money. Farah worked hard for that money, but
my mom didn't care. She also attacked Farah. My mom was a bad
person."
Judd glanced at me and nodded again. "But you wished she was dead
long ago."
"She didn't love me," I whispered.
"Don't feel bad. Some people have no hearts. You can't expect
defective fucks to be able to love. Nothing you did or didn't do can
change a person like that."
"My dad is a bad person too. I come from bad people."
"You and me both."
"Is your mom bad?"
"No," he said, his voice softening. "She's weak though. Not really
cowardly, but broken down and never able to heal her wounds. Mom's
a good woman, but good won't keep a person safe. Just like love can't
fix fucked up losers like your parents. You can only cut the evil fucks
loose and protect those you love. Otherwise, life just does the rest and
we have

no say in it."
Watching Judd, I liked how he didn't judge me for hating my mom.
Farah had wanted so badly to love our shit mother, as if love alone
could make Amy into someone better.
For me, Mom was dead the moment she ran away and left us to become
sex toys for a gang of violent bikers. Even if she'd returned and hugged
away all the misery, she was still the one who sentenced me to listen to
my sister scream, cry, and beg. I still heard Farah begging in my
nightmares and that pain was on my parents. They were both evil. I just
had to pretend more with Dad because he was the one in charge of
feeding us all these years.
"Your dad did that to your face," Judd said, his voice hard now.
"He owes a lot of money to some guys and he thought he could get the
money from some dealers who owed him. They didn't give him
anything and he got angry because I didn't make him any money."
"Make him money how?" Judd asked, glancing at me with those cold
eyes.
"I dropped out of school when I was sixteen, so my dad had me work
two jobs usually. Waitressing mostly, but I was also a maid sometimes.
I worked as a store clerk before, but Dad liked the other jobs better.
Waitressing brings tips and I could steal as a maid."
"He ever do anything else?"
Staring at Judd, I knew what he was asking. In our family, we didn' t
discuss our dirty secrets. We hid from the truth and let pain fester. I had
spent my whole life having people tell me to keep my mouth shut. I was
never to tell anyone anything and I should trust no one. My mom was
probably dead though. My dad was off somewhere, maybe dead too. I
didn't have to do what they said anymore.
I could say what I wanted. Eat what I wanted too, like when Judd said
nothing about me having two muffins for breakfast. My dad would
have told me to stop being a pig. When I was a kid, my mom always
told me I was fat because he didn't like spending money on food.
Judd didn't care though. As long as I didn't cry, talk too much, or puke,
he didn't mind me eating. Farah wouldn't care either. She said Cooper
was always feeding her and apparently the Johanssons ate

constantly. Eating was no big deal there. Maybe secrets weren't either.
"He never touched me like you mean," I said then added quickly, "He
said if he came back without the money he needed that I would have to
earn it for him. He didn't mean waitressing."
Judd showed no reaction. "Did he know about those fuckers at the
motel?"
"I think he planned to have them pay." Even ashamed to say the words,
I was also excited to admit ugly things out loud. "I think he told them if
they waited he would give me to them. I think that's why they didn't
break through the window. I also think that's why the lady at the
convenience store wouldn't help me. I think they knew what I was there
for and they didn't want me to leave. That's what I think anyway."
Face devoid of emotion, Judd nodded. "Your dad knows about
Ellsberg?"
"Yes."
"Think he'll come?"
"If he needs money and thinks he can get it from us, yes."
"I hope he comes and Cooper gives me the job to deal with him. You
know what I'll do to your old man?"
Watching him, I shook my head as Judd glanced at me.
"Break his arms and legs then I'd just leave him. Let him get hungry.
Cooper has a bunch of these vicious dogs. Nasty fuckers that'll tear a
man apart. I'd leave those dogs just outside while your dad starved and
I' d let him know they were waiting for him. After he starved enough
and went long enough without sleep, I'd make sure he died begging.
That's what I'll do if your dad shows up and Cooper gives me the
chance."
Watching him for another minute, I admired how a man so beautiful
could also be so comfortable with violence. Finally, I asked, "Do you
think my mom is dead?"
"She screwed with Cooper's woman, so I'd say you were motherless,
kid."
"Do you think she died fast?"
"Probably. The organization frowns upon torturing women unless they
have info."

"Too bad."
Glancing at me, Judd grinned. "Tough little broad." "I hated my mom."
"I have no doubt."
"She ruined me," I muttered, staring back out the window. "You mean
your life." "No, I meant what I said."
"You don't look ruined. Scrawny, sure. Hey, gotcha a nickname now.
Scrawny Tawny. Catchy." When I glared hard at him, he only grinned.
"I gotta admit you're pretty fucking sexy when you give me your stink
eye. Not at all intimidating, but hot as hell."
"Farah calls your boss Coop the Poop."
"Does she now?" he said, still grinning as he slowed the SUV because
of midday traffic.
"Judd rhymes with crud."
"Yes, it does. Also rhymes with stud."
Now, I was grinning. "Men are always saying they're studs. They can't
all be studs or else the word wouldn't mean anything."
Judd glanced at me. "Are you challenging to prove my stud
credentials?"
"Maybe."
Our eyes met and held in that moment. Even though he sported those
tattoos and I feared how strong he was and how easy it would be for
him to hurt me, I was curious. About how his powerful arms would feel
wrapped around me. About how his full lips would feel tasting mine.
Would he kiss me soft or rough? Would he hold me too tightly and
cause me to panic or would he know just how snug to keep me against
him? I wanted to know what he felt like. Based on the look in Judd's
eyes, he wanted to know too.
Judd blinked and looked away. Frowning, he stared hard at the road as
if angry with it. Maybe he was angry with himself? Then, he took a
deep breath and let it all out. When his blue eyes found me again, they
lacked the questioning hunger from moments earlier. He was back
under control and I hated the distance between us now.
"You're going to stop distracting me while I drive," he said and

there was no humor in his voice. "Do you understand?" "Jeans tight?" I
asked, daring him.
Judd narrowed his eyes at me in a rather scary way. Instead of shirking
away from him, I remembered how it was his job to get me to Ellsberg
safely. Narrowing my eyes, I glared right back at him. We held those
angry gazes for a few minutes then he grinned.
"Yes," he said, answering my question as he stared at the now moving
traffic. "So shut up, will ya?"
Smiling, I leaned against the window. I had flirted for the first time in
my life and it felt amazing. Sharing my ugly secrets, even if just a little
of them, hadn't made me feel like a piece of shit either. I felt stronger
now, more adult, and less afraid of my past.
I couldn't wait to tell Farah. She watched out for me over the years and
I knew she worried I'd end up a loser with a dead-end job and an angry
husband and rowdy kids. I'd be the sister she loved, but hated to have
around for the holidays. Farah would never tell me these fears, but I
knew she felt them. Yet, she would be proud of me for not hiding from
Judd, even if he scared the crap out of me. Not only did he remind me
of my dad who could lash out randomly, but Judd reminded me of those
bikers. They claimed to be studs too.
Silence felt good as I was haunted by thoughts of the week as a
motorcycle club's plaything. I told myself it was too long ago to care
about, but that was a lie. After so long with so many men, there was no
washing away that week.
Judd said nothing until nearly four when we pulled into a Denny's in
Oklahoma. We were seated in a booth near a table full of noisy kids.
Our waitress was friendly and I focused on her, instead of the people
around me. Weeks alone in the motel had made me downright paranoid
about people.
After Jennifer brought our food, Judd finally acknowledged me sitting
across from him. I liked having his gaze on me, even though his eyes
held a sadness to them. No matter if they were cold or hard or
emotionless, I always felt the sadness. I didn't think many people would
notice because of his handsome, yet intimidating face. Women would
want him. Men would fear him. I just wondered where the sadness
came

from and if I might help it fade? "I'm almost eighteen." "It's just an
age."
"I'll be able to vote," I said, watching him while he studied the menu.
"Voting doesn't do anything except make people feel important." "I'm
doing it anyway." "Good for you."
"You should vote. You can get one of those 'I vote. I count' stickers."
Glancing up at me, Judd frowned. "Why the fuck would I care
about that?"
"You seem like the kind of man who would be tempted if stickers were
involved."
When Judd smiled big, his face changed from the cold, slightly sad
expression into something amazing. I wish he would always smile
because the world was so much more beautiful when he did.
"You're a weird kid."
"I'm not a kid. I don't have to wait for two months for that." Judd' s
smile faded and he stared at me in a weird way. I felt him pulling away
then he exhaled hard.
"This," he said, gesturing between us, "isn't happening." "Why?"
"I have an old lady back in town and she's the kind of woman to hack
shit off a man who cheated on her."
For a few seconds, I couldn't breathe. As if someone punched me hard
in the stomach, I waited for the air to return.
"What's her name?" I asked as my eyes grew hot once I realized I was
flirting with a taken man.
My family didn't have many rules, but cheating was frowned upon.
Well, unless money was involved like in a scam. In that case, it was
completely acceptable to sleep with anyone.
Judd stared at me then looked away at a pair of loud happy children.
"Jennifer."
I wanted Judd to be mine. He had saved me and I felt better when

he was around. Even when his face was hard and all of the emotion
faded from his eyes until he was just lost to me, I felt like he should be
mine. He scared me like Cooper scared Farah. Yet, Farah got to keep
Cooper. I didn't get to keep Judd though.
After our order was taken, I was still fighting the urge to cry.
"Jennifer," I said, testing out the name of the woman who had what I
wanted. "Jennifer," I said again, smiling a little bit now.
Judd squinted at me. "What?"
"Like our waitress is named Jennifer?"
"Jennifer's a common name," he said, challenging me with his cold
glare.
"Does your Jennifer have a long braid too?" I asked, taunting him.
Judd tried to keep up his lie for another minute. Finally, he swore while
running his hands through his thick dark hair.
"I can't lie for shit when you stare at me like that."
Leaning back into the booth, I smiled brightly. "Well, it's a good thing
you and me ain't happening because I would so own your ass, wouldn't
I? Lying is the key to winning an argument."
"I could win it," he said then shook his head. "I am winning it. You and
I ain't happening, kid."
"I'm not a child."
"Not happening," he said slowly.
"Why?"
When Judd slapped his big hands together, the sound they made was
loud enough to startle me into the corner of the booth. "That's why, kid.
You're not ready for any man, let alone one like me."
"Why like you?" I asked, shaking and nervous now.
"You don't think Cooper sent me because I'm a boy scout, do you?
"No, but I want to be strong and strong women should be with strong
men."
Sighing, Judd rolled his eyes. "Strong? That's what you got from
what I said?"
"Scary. Violent. Whatever," I said, sitting a little easier now. "You don'
t scare me." "I just did."

"You were loud. Those kids could have dropped something and I
would have jumped just as much. They're not scary."
"Oh, I don't know. The little girl looks like a terror."
Our food arrived quickly, but I kept my gaze on Judd. "I' m not
someone who'd be dirtied to be with a man like you."
Judd watched me with a slight frown. "You're not giving up."
"No."
"You will. You'll get to town and see your sister and shit will be all
kittens and puppies and bake sales. You'll go to school and smile at
boys your age and realize why this didn't happen."
"I' m not going to school and I would never smile at another boy. I' m
loyal and I have only one boy I want to smile at."
"I'm not a boy."
"What makes you think I was talking about you?" I asked, cutting my
pancakes. "Maybe I've got my eye on someone else." "Right," he
muttered, squinting at me.
"Farah told me about this guy she thinks I should date. She said he' s
really hot and I' m super shallow. I plan to date him and smile at him
and get naked with him. It'll be so great."
Staring at me, Judd almost thought I was telling the truth. That part of
him was jealous.
Seeing this, I smiled. "Do you date a lot?"
"I like dating," he said in a low voice. "It's relaxing."
Rolling my eyes, I shuddered. "Men are gross."
Judd gave me another one of those smiles. "Trust me, kid. You don't
know the half of it."
"Stop calling me that."
"No."
"Fine, if I'm a kid, I get to call you daddy." "Don't," he growled.
Instead of responding to his implied threat, I laughed. "You growled
like a dog."
"Just eat your food." "Okay, Daddy." "Fuck. Stop it."

"Stop it what?"
Judd tensed his body and I watched all of those tanned muscles flex
then he sighed. "Stop it, Tawny," he said then added, "Or else." "Why
did you call me angel this morning?" Judd shook his head. "Doesn't
matter." "No one's ever called me something pretty like that before."
"You never had a guy call you anything nice?" "Farah and I weren't
allowed to date."
"If every kid listened to their parents, the world would be less crazy,
but considerably less fun."
"You ever try to sneak out of a motel room you share with your
dad?"
"Can still have a boyfriend. Just harder to hook up." "Do you wish I had
a boyfriend?"
Judd studied me in a soft way. "I wish you had someone to say sweet
things to you."
If I was braver, I would have jumped across the booth and kissed him.
I'd hold him and never let him go. In my heart, I knew Judd was safe.
Yet, my head viewed him as a threat and it had no interest in jumping
across the table and kissing anyone. My head wasn't running the show
at the moment.
"I want to know why you called me that," I said, slightly breathless
between my nerves and growing lust.
Shrugging dismissively, he muttered, "No reason. I was dreaming."
"You were awake when you said it."
"I thought I was still dreaming."
Sensing he wanted a reason to share, I offered, "I'll tell you something
if you tell me that."
"Tell me what?"
"What do you want to know? It'll be like an exchange of info."
Judd poked hard at his food like he was working out an internal
struggle in his head. Finally, he nodded.
"Fine. I want to know why you stayed in that room starving? I know
you couldn't move the dresser, but you could have climbed out the
window."

"I had no money and what was waiting outside was worse than starving
to death."
Studying me with his cold eyes, he asked, "If I hadn't come, you would
have let yourself die?"
"I figured I would die either way and my biggest fear is to die
violently."
"Why?"
"Would you want to die violently?" "No, but most seventeen year old
girls..." "I'm not a girl. I'm a woman."
"You can say that a million times and it doesn't change anything in my
head."
"How about a million and one times?" I asked, giving him a grin. "I
think you want me to change your mind."
Judd watched me with those sad eyes. "Of course, I do. Any man would
want an excuse to do something naked with you. Only an evil man
would let you con him into it though."
"It's not evil to be close to someone you like."
"You're young."
"Tell me why you called me angel." "Tell me why that's your biggest
fear."
"No way. I shared my greatest fear with you, something only my sister
knows, and you're stalling. Don't be a cheat. Just tell me."
Placing his hands flat on the table, he glared at me. "I tell you this and
you don't make an issue of it. You don't make it mean anything or get
goo-goo eyes over it."
"Is it sexy?" I asked with a hint of both excitement and dread in my
voice.
Judd rolled his eyes. "When I was a kid, my mom took off for a while.
Like she had to run to get away from my dad. One early morning, she
came back for us and snuck into the house. I woke with the light bright
behind her and she was dressed all in white looking like an angel," he
said, running a hand over his arm as if tense. "That's what I thought she
was for a minute. An angel saving me. So, yeah, when I woke up with
you wrapped in that white blanket and the light all around you, I

thought you were an angel. That's all it was. Sleepy brain shit." "Did
you think I was beautiful?" I asked like a dope. Judd' s grumpy
expression softened. "You are beautiful. You know that too."
"I don't feel beautiful. I don't like looking in the mirror and seeing my
reflection."
"Why the fuck not?"
"I just don't. I don't like knowing what I look like. I force myself to
look, just enough that I can check for gunk on my face and in my teeth.
I don't like doing it, so sometimes I just asked Farah." "That's fucked
up. You know that, right?"
I nodded. "You're probably fucked up too. I think maybe we could be
less fucked up if we were together." "Never happening."
Grinning, I kicked him gently under the table. "The more you say that,
the dumber you'll look when you're kissing me and hugging me and
marrying me and pushing that baby carriage." "I don't want kids."
"Why?"
"My family has a genetic defect and I don't want to pass it on." "What
kind of defect?" "We're assholes."
"I don't think that's genetic. If it is, I have it too." Judd smiled softly. "I
wish you liked looking at yourself in the mirror. Not like a shallow
bitch or anything, but you should like yourself more."
"I like myself fine. I just don't like my face." "That's part of you."
"Leave it alone."
Judd smiled at my tone. "Do you look like your sister?" "A little. We
both have brown hair and eyes, but my facial features take after my
mom more. I get my height from my dad. Haven't you met
Farah?"
"No, but she has the boss wrapped around her finger. Never thought I' d
see that happen. Coop is a big time hitter. Having him go

solo like that makes me think he's found the one."
"Hitter?" I asked, breathing too fast. "Like someone who hits people?"
"Girls," Judd said, poking at his food. When he looked up at me and
saw I was freaked, he added, "A player. He sleeps around, you
know?"
"Oh. Do you?"
"Yes. Sex and relationships mean nothing to me," he said, giving me a
cold stare.
"I mean something to you though." "You think?"
"Yes," I whispered, holding his gaze.
Judd didn' t look away for maybe a minute then he swallowed hard and
returned to eating like what I said meant nothing. Yet, no matter the age
thing and my nerves, I knew. Despite what Judd said, he knew too, but
he would need convincing. I just didn't know if I'd be strong enough to
show him the way when I felt so lost myself.

Chapter Four
Judd found us another hotel with a top floor suite. I sensed he chose the
top floor for me only because the guy at the desk mentioned it was a
few hundred dollars more. At first, Judd looked ready to say it didn' t
matter then he glanced at me. Suddenly, the extra hundreds were worth
it. Maybe I was hoping for too much, but I appreciated the gesture
anyway.
After my shower, I found him shuffling cards he bought at the
convenience store we stopped at before the hotel. Grinning, I sat across
from him.
"You told me that you're good at cards," Judd said, recalling my
reaction to passing a casino on the drive.
"I said I liked cards. I never claimed to be good."
"The only people who like cards are gambling addicts and those who
are good at it. You're not an addict."
"Do you like cards?" I asked while he dealt.
"Sure."
"Do you like me?" I asked softly, looking over my cards.
Judd never looked up from his hand. "I'm playing cards, ain't I?"
Smiling, I looked at the pretzels we were using as money. Before I bet
anything, I studied Judd's expression and guessed what his cards might
be. Since he looked bored, I figured his cards weren't great, so I bet
three pretzels. Like I expected, Judd folded.
The next hand, his expression was too hard like he was hiding
something. I folded and he showed me his three queens.
"You're cheating," he muttered, shuffling. "I don't know how, but you
are."
"I won those pretzels fair and square."
Judd grinned. "I know you're cheating. I'll figure out how."
"Are you giving up then?"
"No way."
After a few more hands where I doubled down when he had weak
hands and folded when he had strong ones, my pile of pretzels dwarfed
his puny three. Judd leaned back on the loveseat and clasped his hands

behind his head.
"I should take you to Vegas."
"I don't know if my skills would work there."
"Skills?" he asked as his grin widened.
Reaching across the table, I snagged one of his pretzels and ate it.
"Do you like your job?"
"Sure."
"Did you have to interview for it?"
Judd let his gaze wash over me and my body reacted. By the way his
smile warmed, he knew exactly how he affected me.
"I worked in Memphis for a guy then I transferred to Ellsberg."
"Why?" I asked, crossing my arms over my excited nipples.
Judd glanced at where my arms were and his smile softened even more
as if pitying the horny little girl.
"My mom got sick," he said, crossing his arms and nearly mimicking
me. "Breast cancer. She got better and decided she wanted to live
somewhere quiet. I moved her to Ellsberg, bought her a shop, and took
a job with the Johanssons."
"What kind of shop?"
Judd studied my face in a soft way, making my skin flush ever hotter.
"She does hair."
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" "You writing my biography,
kid?" "No, Daddy, I'm not." Judd glared at me. "Stop calling me that."
"You started it, Judd."
"You forgot to end my name with the stud."
I opened my mouth to say something sassy, nearly daring him to fuck
me right there. Fortunately, my brain switched on and I closed my
mouth tight. Judd watched me for a minute then grinned.
"I have a brother. No, he doesn't live in Ellsberg. No, we aren't close.
No, I don't want talk about my childhood with you."
"Okay. Do you still want to play cards?"
"You know what I want."
Judd held my gaze and I felt every ounce of courage seep out of

me. I really wanted him and thought he was mine, but I wasn't ready to
take him to bed. My mind was stuck on our first kiss, not whether he
was carrying condoms.
Even knowing I wasn't ready, I admired his tanned skin lit by a small
light nearby. The white tee he wore clung to his muscular frame and I
imagined the flesh hidden underneath. Judd's eyes were so open to me
and full of hunger that I had trouble breathing. I wanted to say no, but I
was afraid he would think the no meant forever and not just for tonight.
Nodding, Judd stood and stretched. "You remember that fear you're
feeling in your gut right now. You remember it when you think flirting
with me is a safe hobby."
Staring up at him, I wanted so much to feel him against me, but I was
scared.
Judd watched me and sighed. "I don't do bubblegum lovey-dovey shit,
Tawny. Unlike Cooper, I'm too old to be trained to be what you want. I'
m a redneck fucker, not a sweetheart. I fuck for my pleasure, never the
woman's. I don't care about baby carriages or making you feel special.
None of that matters to me, so you better remember that."
Nodding, I stared wide-eyed.
"I get that you have those nightmares, but you keep in mind how if you
want me to sleep in the bed with you tonight, it'll be under the covers.
Do you understand?"
Nodding again, I avoided his gaze as I walked to the bedroom and shut
the door. Sleep took a long time to come while I thought about Judd.
I loved when he smiled for me. The way he watched me made me feel
beautiful and I wished to make him mine that very minute. Yet, I wasn't
ready to be anyone's lover.
Just the thought of having a man on top of me, inside me, using me like
Judd said he used women was too much. Falling asleep remembering
being used before, I wasn't particularly surprised when I dreamed of the
week with the bikers. I usually dreamed of them when I went to bed
agitated. This night was no exception.
Waking startled and whimpering, I needed to know I was safe. While
Judd wasn't safe, he was a weapon against the monsters in the

world seeking to destroy me. I opened the door to the sitting room,
hoping to find him asleep. Instead, he was watching TV in the dark.
Our gazes met for a moment as I entered. Quickly, I looked away and
walked to the couch while he sat in a chair with his feet propped up.
Judd watched me silently and I felt his eyes on me. Long after one show
ended and midnight came and went, I pretended to watch TV while
Judd watched me.
At some point, I dozed off on the couch, safe in the knowledge that
Judd and his weapons were nearby. Waking to the feel of hands on my
body, I opened my eyes and realized Judd was picking me up.
"Rest, angel," he whispered as he carried me to bed. "Tomorrow, we'll
get you to your sister and these bad dreams can end."
"Thank you," I said, reaching for his face as he laid me down.
I expected his facial hair to be prickly like a five o'clock shadow, but it
was soft under my fingertips. Caressing his face as he kicked off his
jeans, I watched him join me under the covers. Half asleep, I just
smiled.
"You tempt the devil," he whispered then laid his head down and
sighed. "Angels always do."
I thought to say something, but my fingers only lingered on his face
until sleep took me again.
Waking up before Judd, I watched him sleep. His breath came out
softly and his face was so relaxed that I smiled at the beauty of his
expression.
Today was our last day on the road together. Soon, I hoped my new life
would include Judd and all of the naughty ideas I saw in his eyes the
night before.
Judd awoke slowly and focused his gaze on me. We just watched each
other for a few minutes then he reached out and caressed my cheek.
Sighing heavily, he turned away and sat up on the edge of the bed.
"Clean up so we can get you to Ellsberg."
Wanting to say something, I just watched him walk to the bathroom
and disappear inside. After he showered, Judd reappeared in

only a towel wrapped around his toned waist. I wished to remain calm,
but the sight of so much flesh turned me into an overheated mess.
Never had anything looked as beautiful as Judd did half naked, damp,
and with his hair brushed back. He was perfect and I wanted him too
much to find the words.
Judd didn' t acknowledge me as he walked through the room. Once he
shut the sitting room door to get dressed, I took my shower. By the time
I peeked into the sitting room, Judd was dressed and packed to go. He
barely glanced up at me when I appeared then we were out the door.
After a quick hotel breakfast where Judd was more interested in his
phone than me, we headed towards the final stretch of our trip to
Ellsberg.
Accustomed to long periods of silence, I didn't mind the quiet in the
SUV. Normally when Dad was tense, he didn't talk. This was a blessing
since he got mean when tense.
Watching Judd, I knew he struggled with unwelcome feelings, despite
the dull expression in blue eyes.
Did he really have a woman back in Ellsberg? Or at least someone
special enough to feel divided over? While I didn't feel very young
anymore, did he simply worry about the ten year age difference? Judd
pretended to see me as a kid, yet I saw desire in his eyes too. I never felt
better than when he looked at me in his hungry way.
An hour before reaching Ellsberg, Judd pulled off the highway to fill up
the tank, even if it wasn't very low. Ignoring me fully, he pulled into a
restaurant parking lot and left the SUV. I hurried to catch up and met
him at the door he held open for me.
After we were seated and ordered, I watched him not watching me.
Judd struggled to avoid eye contact and I wished he would pay
attention to me. I felt like I was nothing without his gaze on me. As if
I'd actually become invisible without his acknowledgement. Even used
to being ignored, I couldn't stand it from Judd.
Twice, I attempted to start a conversation. First, I asked about where he
lived in Ellsberg. He just shrugged. Second, I asked what he drove
since the SUV was a rental. Sighing, Judd didn't respond.
Giving up, I stared at my hands as we waited for our food. The

waitress gave us two refills before our food arrived. I smiled at her and
said thank you, but she was ignoring me too.
"What?" Judd said suddenly as we still waited for our meals.
Frowning, I shook my head. "I don't understand."
"You keep staring at the waitress's necklace like you're planning to rip
it off her."
"I had one like that, so I was admiring hers."
"Your daddy pawn it to pay the bills?" Judd asked in a grumpy voice.
"No," I said, frowning darker now. "A man stole it, so he could give it
to his daughter."
Judd met my gaze finally and the irritation in his eyes turned uglier.
"The fucker told you he was giving it to his kid?"
Remembering how the thug Eric made me take off my necklace, I also
recalled the way he called me by his daughter's name during the rapes.
No matter the gift to her, I doubted his kid had an easy life.
After a minute, I spoke quietly. "It wasn't fancy or expensive. I don' t
think it was even real gold or anything. Just a little necklace with a tiny
crucifix, but it was the prettiest thing I ever owned."
Judd' s gaze clouded over with an emotion that broke my heart. So
much pain hid inside this beautiful man and I wanted to fix it all. I
wanted to heal him like Cooper healed Farah. I never thought to how
damaged I was or how I couldn't heal myself. All I imagined was
helping Judd.
"I' m getting a job in Ellsberg," I told him when he just watched me
with those pained eyes. "I'll save up and buy myself a new necklace. A
nicer one even. I' m good at saving.. "
"What kind of job?"
"Waitressing, I guess. I don't like working in stores. It's boring, but if
that's all I can do, I'll do that. I'm going to pull my weight."
Judd stretched his arms along the back of the booth and frowned.
"Cooper won't want his woman's sister working a shit job. It'll make
him look like he doesn't take care of his own."
"I' m going to help pay the bills," I added softly.
"With a waitressing job?" When I nodded, Judd rolled his eyes.

"Cooper doesn't need your crappy paycheck to pay for things." "Then,
I'll save my money and buy stuff."
Judd looked pissed again and I didn't know why. The waitress
thankfully appeared with our food, so Judd and I were able to ignore
each other for the duration of our meal. Yet, I felt intimidated by Judd's
anger. While I often irritated my father, I gave up long ago trying to
make him like me. With Judd, I cared if he thought I was shit.
By the time we left the restaurant, I felt like I was losing Judd. Maybe
he wasn't really mine to lose, but I needed him to want me.
"I think you're the most handsome man I've ever seen," I blurted out.
Judd turned to me and frowned. Even with his dark expression, I
continued, "I wanted you to know that I didn't say no last night because
I don't think you're handsome or because I don't want you. I was just
scared of being close like that, but I'm not scared of you. You're special
and handsome and I really like you."
Staring, I felt dumb because my words sounded dumb. They sounded
so beautiful in my head like poetry even. Out loud, they sounded like
the babbling of an idiot.
Judd stared at me like I was awful, just the lamest shit he had ever
seen.
"Fuck," he muttered, walking towards me.
Before I could react, his lips found mine while his hands were against
my face. The kiss was too brief and I wanted more, but Judd only
studied me.
"You look like a damn angel with that face. Like innocence and
goodness and everything in a perfect fucking package wrapped with a
seventeen year old bow. Why did you have to be seventeen?"
"I'll be eighteen in a little over a month," I mumbled, placing my hands
on his hard chest.
Judd looked miserable and I thought he would push me away. Instead,
he wrapped me into his arms as his lips met mine again. Not for a brief
kiss, but a real kiss like the kind I saw people share on TV.
His tongue opened me up and caressed mine. Moaning into his mouth, I
wanted it all. In his arms and having him need me was like magic. As if
nothing ugly ever existed. Maybe nothing at all ever existed

before this moment.
This was my first real kiss and it was perfect. The kisses before were
ugly things I endured, but this kiss from Judd was something I savored.
Pressed against him, I felt his heart racing under the palms of my hands.
He wanted me and I never felt more important.
As our lips sucked at each other hungrily, I imagined a life in Ellsberg.
Laughing with my sister, becoming stronger and more confident, and
loving this man who wrapped me wonderfully in his arms.
The day Farah left for college was the worst of my life. Worse than
anything from the week with the bikers. Worse than any beating from
my father or dismissal from my parents or new day at another new
school. When Farah left, I thought I would never see her again. I had
been so certain she would go to college and flourish and outgrow me.
Once she had friends and found a man who loved her, Farah wouldn't
need to settle for me any longer.
Instead, Farah found all of those blessing, yet still wanted me in her
life. Her love for me led to this moment with this man who saved me
and now held me like I was special to him. No matter what he said
about redneck fucking and only caring about his pleasure, I knew it was
a lie. The way he held me was too careful for a man who didn't care.
Never wanting it to end, I whimpered as he pulled his lips away. Judd
stared into my eyes with such desire that I smiled. He wasn't ready
because of my age and maybe because he thought he was a bad man.
Yet, he wanted to be mine. If it was merely lust, I would see only
hunger. Instead, I saw hope and dread wrapped into a desperate gaze.
Brushing his lips against mine, Judd sighed. "Let's get you to your
sister."
Judd pulled away slowly as if reluctant to let go. Also, he might have
worried I needed steadying after the intensity of our embrace. Despite
my wildly beating heart and flushed skin, I never felt more alive and in
control.
Opening the car door for me, Judd again avoided my gaze. He was
thinking now. Working through his uncertainty, but he knew what I
did. We met for a reason, just like Farah and Cooper. Fate brought us
together and we could make each other happy.

Happiness was what I felt as we drove the last hour to Ellsberg. I
caressed my lips and grinned endlessly. Judd occasionally glanced at
me, trying to be irritated. Wanting to dismiss that kiss, he likely
worried about losing his freedom. A man like him fought commitment,
but a part of him already knew he was mine.

Chapter Five
For most of the next hour, I couldn't take my eyes off Judd.
Occasionally, he would glance at me and our eyes would meet and I'd
see everything in his baby blues. Most of all, I saw conflict.
I thought Judd's concern over my age showed good character. How
many men would really care about a month's difference in age? How
many men like Judd wouldn't consider himself lucky to have a chance
at a little jailbait? I heard men bragging about the young women they
nailed before the girls were legal. Judd wasn't like them. He was
special, but he just didn't know it yet.
Smiling for most of the drive, I couldn't imagine looking at Judd for the
rest of my life. I always assumed I'd be lucky to live long enough to
have any man. Never did I dream of one as beautiful as Judd. Strong
and brave too. The way he dealt with Tommy was like he wasn't afraid
at all. I could be strong too, if I had a man like him at my side.
My smile faded as we reached Ellsberg and I realized I would see Farah
within minutes. Suddenly, I was terrified.
"We've been apart for a month," I said after Judd called Cooper to say
we were nearly there. "While Farah made a great life for herself, I was
letting myself starve to death in a shit motel. I'll ruin everything for her
and she'll stop loving me."
"Angel, your sister needs you too."
"No, she doesn't," I said, panicking now. "She's got Cooper. She's got
school and friends. I'm not good at anything. I'll mess everything
up."
"Farah sees what I do and that's why she needs you."
Staring at him through my wet eyes, I reached for his hand. "She's the
only person who's ever loved me. My parents said they did, but it was a
lie. Farah's all I've ever had and she'll reject me once she remembers
how I really am."
Judd swallowed hard. "You're killing me saying shit like that."
"I just want to be loved," I whispered as we turned down another street,
one block closer to Farah.
Judd nodded, saying nothing. Finally, we made a last turn and he

squeezed my hand. "It's on the left."
Staring at the huge houses, I couldn't believe Farah lived in one. Then, I
saw her and the houses faded away. I didn't see the big trees or the large
man on the porch next to her. I only saw my sister who looked more
beautiful than I remembered. Her face was fuller and she looked
healthy. Happy too, but a little scared. Maybe she was afraid I would
ruin things too.
We pulled into the driveway and Farah ran for the car. She missed me
and I needed her to know I missed her too. Struggling with the seatbelt,
I fought to free myself until Judd clicked the button. Suddenly, I was
out of the car and in Farah's arms.
Until the moment I felt her against me, I didn't really believe I would
see her again. While I'd promised myself I would, I often lied. Honesty
was for stronger people. The truth was for those with hope and I had
none. Yet, somehow I was back with my sister.
Crying against each other, Farah soothed me with promises. She
believed hers though. We were safe and free now. Life would be great
and we would always be together. Farah said the words like they were
etched in stone. I wanted so much to believe them, but I felt the men
watching us. Glancing in their direction while still wrapped in Farah's
arms, I wasn't bothered by Judd's gaze on me. Cooper was the one who
scared me.
From Farah's descriptions, I knew he was tall, muscular, and
handsome. With his blond hair shaved short and powerful tattooed
arms crossed tightly, he was intimidating. A frown on his face, Cooper
dissected me with his dark eyes like I was trash that would dirty his
house. Even knowing he loved Farah, I couldn't imagine him loving
anyone. Unlike Judd, who hid behind those cold eyes, Cooper didn't
hide anything. He was just a dark figure, enduring me for the sake of
Farah's happiness.
Farah noticed me watching him and she knew I was scared. She wasn't
always the best at reading people, but she knew what I was thinking
even when I didn't. Pulling me to my feet, Farah led me towards
Cooper who showed no reaction.

"This is Tawny," she said excitedly like he would be happy to meet
me.
Then, Cooper smiled and did look happy. Maybe not at having me
there, but he was clearly happy to see Farah smile. Even scary, I knew
he loved her. It was so obvious, even when he tried to hide it again once
he remembered Judd was standing nearby.
"This is Cooper," Farah added when we said nothing.
"Hi," I mumbled, hoping he could see something good in me like Farah
did.
"Hell yeah, she's your sister. Look at those big brown eyes."
My hand still in hers, a laughing Farah hugged him. Even smiling, I
was nervous. In the past, Farah's life sucked yet, just a little time away
from me had brought her so many great things. Would I destroy it all
just as quickly?
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Judd retrieve my suitcase and the
bags with my new clothes. I glanced at Farah then let go of her hand to
walk where he stood.
"I'll see you around, kid," he said without looking at me.
"When?" I asked as Farah joined me.
"You saved her," she said, ready to hug him before Cooper stepped
closer and frowned like he didn't want his woman touching some guy.
While the couple shared a frowning contest, I moved closer to Judd.
"When?" I said again.
Sighing, he stared and I thought we would have a contest now.
"When?" I whispered.
"I have a life around here."
Frowning, I turned to Farah who likely lost her contest because she
looked irritated while Cooper smirked. "I want to talk to him alone."
"How alone?" Cooper asked, smirk gone as he squinted at Judd. "They
were just alone for a few days," Farah pointed out. "Yeah, but job's
over."
Judd rolled his eyes and walked to his car. Following him, I ignored
Cooper who said something to Farah. When I glanced back at them,
Farah was using her body to block Cooper from following me. At

first, this irritated her scary boyfriend. Yet, he soon focused on her
chest and they started muttering something I suspected wasn't
appropriate for younger ears.
"Go with your sister," Judd said, opening his door.
"I live in Ellsberg now. I could be part of your life around here."
Judd glanced at Cooper then at a few kids riding their bikes. Finally, he
returned his gaze to me and those blue eyes were cold.
"You're hot, but you're a fucking kid. You cry and whine and are scared
of every fucking thing. I'm a man, Tawny, and I need a woman and you'
re not even close."
As we stared at each other, I prayed he would back down. Was he was
just saying the words to do the right thing or because Cooper was
nearby? I wanted him to be lying, but he stared at me like I meant
nothing. No, I guess he said I was hot. He would fuck me, but he
wouldn't talk to me afterwards.
I had never dreamed of anything before. My only hope was not to die
violently, but I'd never really hoped for something special for myself
besides being around Farah. For the last few days, I had dreamed of me
and Judd though. He was mine and I would have something special of
my own.
The dream of us was still fragile. It needed him to signal me in some
way that I was special to him too. He needed to show me a moment of
regret. A crack in his cold demeanor to give me the hope at how my
dream wasn't dead.
Judd gave me nothing though. He only stared like I was stupid and
annoying and he wished he could leave and hook up with someone
better than me in a million ways. I had never dreamed before and now I
wished I had never dreamed ever. Better to never hope than to have the
hope ruined.
Stepping back, I nodded. Tears fell as I stepped back again. Hiccupping
while trying to act casual, I wanted to cry and whine and be scared of a
future without Judd as mine. I wanted to be the loser he saw me as, but
I only nodded and stepped back until I felt Farah behind me.
"Thanks," I said, still a speck of hope that before Judd left he might
show me he cared.

Judd didn' t react to my thanks or tears. He just nodded at Cooper then
got into the SUV we shared so much time inside. Driving away, he
didn' t look back. I watched him until he disappeared and he never
looked back once.

Chapter Six
After Judd left and I followed Farah into her beautiful house, I felt lost.
Cooper watched me like I was a curious thing he wished would leave.
Next to him, Farah was bouncing off the walls with excitement. After
showing me around her amazing house, she pulled me upstairs to the
two rooms I was given. One held a bed, dresser, and a flat screen on the
wall. The other was empty except for a couch and a TV on the wall.
"Do you not like it?" Farah asked, standing next to me like she might
cry at any moment.
"Of course, I like the rooms. I just can't believe they're both for
me."
Farah shut the bedroom door and leaned against it. "You liked that guy,
didn't you?"
"Yes, but it doesn't matter. You heard what he said."
"Maybe he just said that because of Cooper? You saw how he was
being out there, all protective like you're his little sis."
I forced a smile. "I like Cooper."
"Do you?"
"Farah, he's gorgeous and rich and he loves you so much. He's great. I'
m not grumpy because of him or the rooms. I just thought something
special was happening with me and Judd. I was wrong though."
Wrapping me into an embrace, Farah spoke softly. "Guys around here
are scared of Coop. It's possible Judd was intimidated."
"I doubt it. He just changed his mind about me. It's fine. I don't know
why I thought I could keep him interested when I'm the loser chick he
found in a shit hole. I probably seemed interesting enough while on the
road, but here he has options. Better women, not losers."
"Don't."
Hugging her tighter, I felt at home in her embrace. "I feel like I lost
something special. It might seem stupid, but I had it all planned out in
my head and I was so sure. I was wrong though. I misread him and I'm
usually good at reading people."
Cradled in her arms, I missed Judd already and imagined him with

another woman. Enjoying someone beautiful and confident, he would
forget about me while I pined for him. "I want to change," I whispered.
"Here you can be anyone. I'm proof of that." Nodding, I sat on the bed
and looked up at her. "Tonight, I need to feel sorry for myself and miss
Judd. Tomorrow, I'll enjoy my new start." Farah sat on the bed next to
me. "What did you like about him?" "I just felt comfortable with him,
even if I shouldn't. Like he was scary and rude, but I saw stuff in him. It
sounds stupid." "And he kissed you?"
Smiling, I caressed my lips. "It wasn't a kiss really. It was everything.
The way he held me in his arms and how his lips and mine were just
perfect together. I felt like he was mine, but I was wrong. I saw what I
wanted to see and now I feel stupid."
"Men like Judd are complicated, I think. Even Cooper, who has a good
family and a pretty easy life, can be difficult to understand. A guy like
Judd is probably even more complicated. Who knows? Maybe he'll
come back tomorrow and say he's sorry and wants to be with you?"
"Maybe," I said, not believing it. "Tomorrow, I'm going to learn about
Ellsberg and see your life here. I heard you talk about it and want to see
what it's really like. I also want to find a job."
"You don't need a job, Tawny. Cooper can take care of us." "He
shouldn't have to though," I said, pushing her long hair behind her ear.
"He doesn't even know me." "He knows you're my best friend."
Too freaked out for me to push the subject, Farah wanted me to feel
safe and happy because she was safe and happy. Yet, I wasn't the one
with a beautiful rich guy in love with her. I wasn't the one who
graduated high school, attended college, and had a great future ahead of
her.
I was someone else, but I just didn't know who yet.
Downstairs, Cooper waited for us with a nearly childlike expression as
if thinking Farah might never play with him again. Proving

his concerns were unfounded, my sister attached herself to him the
moment she hit the last step.
"You saved my sister," she murmured, grinning up at him. "My sexy
hero."
"Hell yeah," he said, clearly relieved by the look on her face. "You
guys want to eat or something?"
I shook my head, but Farah ordered pizza. Sitting on the couch, I
looked around the two-story living room while accepting how I lived in
this beautiful house now. While Farah looked like she belonged in such
luxury, I felt awkward like a dirty stray they allowed into the house.
"Look at what I kept for you," Farah said, leaning over the back of the
couch and smiling against my cheek.
In her hand were a pile of advertisements from the mail. Shiny colored
pictures of fast food deals and sales on furniture, the stack of junk mail
beckoned to me.
"Thanks," I said, grinning as I took them.
Cooper frowned at the ads. "I don't get it."
"Tawny likes to collect ads," Farah told him.
"Why?"
"Because," Farah replied then kissed him before he might ask more
questions.
As they messed around behind me, I worked my way through the stack
of junk mail. Some ads weren't that interesting, but I found several for
restaurants I wanted to visit. I also liked an ad for angel figurines at an
art supply store. While I didn't plan to buy the figurines, I kept the ad to
look at later.
The pizza arrived while Farah and Cooper were goofing around
upstairs. Fortunately, he left cash for the delivery guy. I'd never paid for
pizza before and wasn't sure about the tip. Growing flustered at the
correct amount, I just gave the guy the rest of the money and hoped
Cooper wouldn't complain.
By the time Cooper and Farah appeared, he didn't look like he would
complain about anything for a while. Clearly, Farah had worked past
her fear of sex because she was grinning and glowing when she dished
out the pizza. I watched them and tried not to think about Judd.

Yet, I was so sure he was my Cooper.
We watched TV for the next few hours. Farah sat between us on the
couch like she was a shiny toy we both wanted for ourselves, but had to
share. My mind wasn't interested in TV. Everything reminded me of
Judd. From the SUV in a commercial to Cooper's tattoos to the blue
eyes of a woman in the show we watched. Replaying the last few days
in my head, I wondered if I had kept my ugly secrets to myself if Judd
might have remained interested. If I hadn't shown him the real me, I
might have kept him and I really wanted to keep him.
Later, Farah tucked me into bed like I was a scared kid and she was my
mom. I knew Farah needed to comfort me especially when she was
nervous. I wasn't going to interfere with her coping mechanism.
Besides, I needed comforting between Judd's rejection and the
weirdness of this new life I should be embracing.
After Farah joined Cooper in their room down the hall, I cried over
losing my knight. Tomorrow, I planned to be strong and get over him.
For that night though, I allowed myself one good cry over the man I
thought would be mine.

Chapter Seven
The next few days, we fell into an easy routine. The weekend was spent
showing me around Ellsberg. I saw the college where Farah was
working towards her dream of becoming a teacher. It was bigger than I
imagined. Prettier too as autumn arrived, turning everything vibrant
oranges, yellows, and reds. I also ate at the Italian restaurant from their
first real date. Farah wanted to show me everything. She even pointed
out the apartment she lived in with our mother.
The best part was going to the movies where Farah and I kept giggling.
I figured Cooper would think we were idiots, but he only smiled at
Farah's happiness. During the movie, I held Farah's hand while she
leaned her head against Cooper's shoulder. With our free hands, we ate
buttery popcorn and slurped oversized sodas. This was how rich people
lived.
When the school week started up, I enjoyed breakfast with Farah and
Cooper who were usually relaxed from all of the morning loving. I had
learned days earlier not to leave my room without peeking out first and
making sure the lovebirds weren't going at it in the living room,
kitchen, hallways, etc.
After they left for school, I cleaned up the kitchen and did laundry
while watching reruns of old TV shows like Supernatural, Buffy the
Vampire Slayer, and Angel. TNT had become my new best friend. By
ten, I ended up on the couch watching Charmed as Cooper's four giant
dogs conked out around me after their morning in the yard. We all
dozed off until noon when I'd feed us.
My life was spent waiting for Farah to return home to play with me.
Unfortunately, Cooper wanted to play with her too. As soon as they
returned home, they played for a while in the shower and bedroom.
Hours might pass before they appeared downstairs. Then, we'd either
order in or go out, but Farah and Cooper usually had to work on
schoolwork when the meal was done.
"I' m bored," I told Farah one day.
Her solution was to invite over Cooper's mom, sisters, and Skye for
lunch that Saturday. Cooper and Tucker decided the estrogen level

would be too cringe-inducing, so the muscular blonds left for a
mysterious errand.
Tiny Barbie doll Skye Goldstein was the first to arrive and I
immediately felt like she didn't want to be there. Farah barely paid
attention to her because she was so busy goofing around with me. After
mumbling a hello, Skye began texting and didn't stop until Bailey
arrived.
As blonde as Skye, Maddy walked in before Bailey and smiled at me in
a weird way. Sensing she was wary of new people, I didn't blame her
since I didn't enjoy meets and greets either. Farah immediately put her
at ease though by asking about the baby. Maddy's expression lit up as
she talked about her little girl and showed off ultrasound pictures from
her six month checkup.
"More lame pictures," Bailey said as she entered the house wearing a
frown. "They're not even cute."
Bailey looked me over before dismissing me with an eye roll.
Beautiful, blonde, and bitchy, Bailey was just the way others described
her. The minute she walked into the house, everyone's moods shifted.
Well, not the equally blonde Jodi and Sawyer who followed her into the
house and ignored her loud behavior while sitting around and making
chitchat.
Surrounded by beautiful blondes, I avoided Bailey and focused on the
other women. Yet, Skye showed no interest in me while Maddy hid in
her head as soon as Bailey mouthed off. In the kitchen, six year old
Sawyer only had eyes for Farah as they baked cookies. Back in the
living room, Jodi asked me a few questions about if I liked Ellsberg.
Once I smiled and nodded, she was done with me, instead lighting a
cigarette while playing with Cooper's dogs.
Helping Farah in the kitchen, I really wished everyone would leave.
This desire only grew when the time arrived to order pizzas.
Maddy suddenly awoke from her dream state and smiled. "I'd like
mushrooms," she said, rubbing her belly. "I really crave mushrooms
lately."
Bailey snorted. "Mushrooms suck and anyone who likes them has shit
taste."

"It's the hormones."
"Maybe your baby is the one with bad taste then?" "You're kidding,
right?" I asked, irritated.
Bailey turned her grumpy blue-eyed gaze on me. "No, bitch, I' m
not."
"I like mushrooms. Lots of people do. Just because you don't like
mushrooms doesn't make them suck." "Fuck you. I have good taste."
"Everyone thinks they have good taste."
Stepping closer, Bailey glared at me. "Are you saying I'm lying?"
Staring right into Bailey's challenging expression, I said, "I'm saying
you have an opinion, but that doesn't make you right. In my opinion,
you're wrong about mushrooms."
"And you think we're equals, do you, bitch?"
"Stop calling me a bitch."
"Did you just fucking tell me what to do, bitch? Be careful with your
answer because I've hit people for less than what you've said."
Everyone around us looked ready to freak including a terrified Farah. I
just stood up and glared right back at Bailey.
"You can hit me, but it won't make you right. It'll just make you a
thug."
"A thug?" she hissed.
"You aren't always right, Bailey. I don't care who your family is. You're
still just a person like me." "I'm better than you."
"Based on the way you're acting now, you're not better than most
people."
As Bailey balled her hands into fists, I waited for the blow, but refused
to back down. I didn't know why she irritated me so much, but I wanted
someone to tell her to shut up. Apparently, I would have to be that
person.
"Fuck you, bitch," Bailey muttered, storming out of the house. Jodi
grinned. "I think she likes you," she said, lighting another cigarette.
"Anyone else and she'd have knocked you on your ass."
When Farah stepped closer to me, I realized I was shaking. "Are

you okay?"
"Yes. She just pissed me off."
"She pisses everyone off, but we don't say anything," Skye said, again
texting. "My face is my best quality next to my tits, so I don't go around
trying to get it punched in."
"I'm proud of you," Farah whispered.
Maddy smiled. "We should get extra mushrooms to celebrate."
As Farah ordered the pizzas, I wondered if Bailey had gone. Instead, I
found her on the front porch, glaring at a passing woman pushing a
stroller.
"Power walking is for losers," she muttered.
"So you say."
Bailey glanced at me. "Did you come out here to be a bitch again?"
"You started it." "You think I'm shit."
"I think you're rude. I've heard you're funny too. I wish you'd just be
funny."
"So people can laugh at me?"
"Laugh with you," I said, sitting next to her on the porch swing.
Bailey frowned. "You think your shit doesn't stink."
"I think I'm a loser, but that doesn't mean you should treat people the
way you do."
"Coop and Tuck act like assholes and everyone thinks they're fucking
great. I act the same way and get shit on."
"If it makes you feel any better, I don't like when Coop and Tuck act
like assholes either."
Bailey gave me a tiny grin. "You think I' m a bitch."
"I think you're insecure and you think being really loud and rude will
hide this fact. It doesn't."
"Why do you think you're a loser?"
"I'm not good at anything and people tend to forget I exist."
"Forget?"
"Like when I was in second grade, I played a lot with this girl at school.
She was the only friend I ever had besides Farah. Her name was Peggy
and we played every day. We were best friends, but then I moved

to another school. When I came back the next year, I was excited to see
her, but she didn't even remember my name. It was like knowing me
meant nothing to her."
"That's just one idiot bitch."
"My grandmother calls me Tanya."
"Your grandmother is an idiot bitch too."
"How do you know?"
"She can't remember your name. That makes her an idiot bitch."
Grinning, I scooted closer. "Do you want people to like you or do you
like having them scared of you?" "I don't know. Can't I have both?"
"Probably, but you scare away the people you want to like you. Maybe
you could be like Coop who is nice to his friends, yet scary to everyone
else? That way, you could have people like and fear you."
"I don't know how to be any different. I've always been loud and rude. I
like being that way most of the time, but I never seem to keep friends or
boyfriends. I guess changing might help, but I don't know when I'm
being rude. It's just how I am."
"I could help you."
"Like a pity case?"
"I don't pity you, Bailey. You're beautiful and rich. You have shit
handed to you, so I'm not feeling sorry for you. I just think you might
be a fun friend, if you could stop screaming in my face."
Bailey smiled brightly. "You thought I would hit you." When I nodded,
her smile grew. "I was going to hit you too, but you looked pretty
badass standing up to me and I didn't want to ruin that moment for
you."
"See? You're nice, but you hide it." "Nice means weak."
"Maybe with guys, but we're not guys. Pretending we are doesn't work.
We should be our best. I want to improve myself too. Get stronger and
accomplish stuff, so I'm not just mooching off Farah and Cooper."
"So you want to be my friend then?"
"Only if you promise to stop threatening me over mushrooms." "You
started that." Squinted at her, I frowned and Bailey laughed.

"You look funny when you give me your pissed face. You should work
on that."
"I will, if you work on your big mouth."
"Okay, but Maddy gets too much attention with her stupid baby bump."
"Maybe Maddy's not used to getting attention though? Besides, she's
cooking up your niece. Aren't you excited about the chance to be the
cool aunt?"
Bailey grinned again. "Yeah, but won't Farah be the cool aunt?"
"She'll be the nice aunt who kisses their ouchies and plays games with
them. You'll be the aunt that feeds them candy and lets them stay up
late."
"Cool is better than nice."
"They're both nice qualities."
Bailey sighed. "Yes, I can see that. Or at least, I can lie and pretend I
agree."
"Sometimes, lying is the only nice way to handle a situation."
"I have no problem lying. So less big mouth and more lying. Sounds
like a plan."
"Do you want to come back inside? Farah ordered your meat pizza."
Bailey stood up and stretched. "I have shitty friends. They always run
away or just laugh like everything I say is great. I want someone who
can be honest, but likes me. Can you be like that?"
"I can try."
Bailey took my hand. "I can be a good friend. I' m loyal and will hold
your hair when you puke."
"I don't plan to puke much, but that's good to know. I'll hold your hair
too."
When Bailey smiled, she seemed younger than earlier. Her angry bitch
wall was down and I just saw the insecure girl underneath. We returned
to the kitchen where she fake apologized to Maddy. Jodi laughed
through the whole thing while Sawyer threw chips at her older sister.
Yet, Bailey fake laughed like she wasn't irritated by her family.
Farah caught my gaze and I saw pride in her eyes. I wasn't sure

why she was proud of me, but I'd take the compliment. Farah's love was
the only thing I really had to hold onto anymore. Well, now I had
Bailey's friendship.

Chapter Eight
On a Tuesday while I napped through Charmed, Cooper returned home
without Farah. I tried to ignore him while I dozed, but he hovered over
me and kept talking really loudly to the dogs that were also ignoring
him while napping. Finally, Cooper knelt in front of me and sighed
loud enough in my face to blow my hair around.
"I'm proposing to Farah this Friday."
My eyes popped open. "Hot shit."
"I've got the ring," he said, opening a little box and showing off the big
shiny rock my sister would likely piss herself over. "I'm taking her out
to dinner and popping the question. She'll say yes, of course, but I want
her to come home and squeal with you."
Sitting up, I looked at the ring and shivered. "She's going to lose her
mind."
"Yeah," Cooper said, grinning. "I need you to keep my secret and deck
the place out with rose petals. Oh, and light candles. You know, really
romance the place up while we're gone. Can you do that?"
"Hell yeah."
"Hell yeah indeed."
Imagining Farah's reaction, we shared a conspiratorial smile. Three
days later, everything was in place for her surprise. It had taken all of
my self-control not to say anything. I did tell the dogs at one point, just
so I could tell someone. The dogs weren't impressed.
Farah appeared for their fancy dinner, wearing a red dress. I stared in
awe at her as she walked downstairs.
"What?" she asked, running her fingers through her hair. "Do I
look like shit?"
"You look like a goddess."
Farah gave me the most beautiful smile. "Wait until you see Cooper.
We had to get dressed three times because he looked so damn
hot."
"That's right," Cooper said, strutting down the stairs in a slick black
suit. "Feel free to shudder in awe, ladies."
Laughing, we both admired how finely the suit fit his strong body.

Farah glanced at me and squinted.
"You're lucky you're my sister or else I'd be outraged at you looking at
him like that."
"Hey, I'm lonely and there's eye candy shaking his ass. How can you
expect me not to drool?"
Farah grinned then looked at Cooper who really was shaking his ass.
"I'm dancing tonight, Farah," he said, wiggling his eyebrows. "I'm
sexing you up on the dance floor with everyone watching, so get ready
to be embarrassed and horny at the same time."
Laughing again, I hugged Farah who looked flustered by Cooper's
hotness. "Have fun tonight."
"If you're really lonely, you could come with us."
Standing behind Farah, Cooper signaled how I might be killed slowly if
I said yes. I flipped him off and smiled at a confused Farah.
"I'll be fine. In fact, Bailey might come over later. Just have fun with
Coop the Poop over there."
Farah hugged me once more then took Cooper's arm as they left for
their special dinner. The minute the door closed, I started running
around the house. Lighting scented candles in their bedroom and
bathroom was first, so they'd have plenty of time to smell up the place.
A CD with romantic songs from Journey and Asia sat ready to play.
Finally, I spread fresh pink and red rose petals on the bed, bedroom
floor, and hallway. It smelled like a garden, almost nauseatingly so.
Yet, Farah was going to love it.
Bailey didn't come over because I told her I had a stomach ache and
might spend most of the night on the toilet. She still offered to hang out
and hold my hair, but I said no. Mostly, I worried if she knew what was
happening that she would tell everyone. Cooper wanted the proposal to
be private. Only Tucker and Jodi knew. Cooper trusted his mother to
keep a secret and knew his brother wasn't keen on having his face
bashed in, so they were safe. Anyone else might blab including Bailey.
Sitting alone in the living room with the dogs, I watched Arrested
Development reruns and ate Ramen noodles. I really was living the
dream.
Even bored, I couldn't wait to see Farah's face when they returned.

Some days, all I could remember was how afraid she had been growing
up. I hoped seeing her so happy might help erase a few of those horrible
memories.
Farah entered the house swinging in Cooper's arms. Laughing and
kissing his neck, she nearly lunged at me when I appeared at the foyer.
"We're getting married!" she squealed and Cooper smirked.
Her excitement infectious, we both squealed and jumped up and down
while Cooper enjoyed his girl's happiness.
"We already set a date," she finally said when our squeals ended.
"Valentine's Day. How romantic."
When Farah looked to Cooper, a moment passed between them and I
knew they needed alone time. A lot of naked alone time, preferably
upstairs behind closed doors.
"We'll start planning tomorrow," I said, allowing her to make her
getaway with Cooper who did look pretty fantastic in his suit.
Farah smiled then took Cooper's hand as they hurried upstairs. The
minute she saw the rose petals, she started cooing over him and I
doubted they made it to the bed before stripping naked.
Returning to the living room where the dogs sat annoyed by all of the
squealing, I got comfortable with the remote. Upstairs my sister was
desperately in love and starting a beautiful life with a man who
accepted her completely. I had been so certain I would find the same
joy with Judd, but nearly two weeks had passed and he hadn't found a
single lame excuse to see me. I really was out of his life and he'd moved
on as if we'd never met.
Excitement over Farah's engagement mixed with a growing sadness
over how I was simply mooching off her life. Besides cleaning the
house and taking care of the dogs, I had no purpose. Soon, I'd have to
step away from Farah and build a life of my own.

Chapter Nine
For my upcoming birthday, Cooper agreed to pay for me to get a tattoo,
but only if I went to Aaron. Considering the angel tattoo on Cooper was
my inspiration and Aaron was the artist who inked it, I wasn't planning
to go to anyone else.
The tattoo shop was between a sub sandwich place and a pawn shop in
a rather new shopping center. Bailey opened the door then glared at a
girl walking by on the sidewalk.
Noticing my confusion, she shrugged. "The bitch knows what she
did."
Nodding, we walked into the waiting area where the walls were
covered with designs.
"So do you want a flash tattoo?" Bailey asked. "What's that?"
"A standard type tattoo like on the wall. A heart or eagle head. Aaron
can churn those out in a few hours."
I looked at the walls with the flash designs. "I want a fallen angel."
"Sounds complicated. Good thing Aaron is good because I wouldn't
trust just anyone to ink you."
Likely hearing his name, Aaron appeared from the back of the shop.
Having met him in passing, I found Cooper's childhood friend to be a
curious mix between gentle poet and scary biker. On one hand, he had a
shaved head, a cobra tattoo up his neck, and tended to ride his Harley so
fast through town that he was forever getting ticketed. On the other
hand, he dressed rather preppy and was considered an amazing artist.
"Sorry," Aaron said. "The girl who worked out front quit and I'm here
alone."
"She wants a really cool tat. Don't fuck it up," Bailey nearly yelled.
Frowning, I shook my head at Bailey who sighed. "Please, don't fuck it
up."
Aaron just grinned. "I heard you were training Bailey, so this should be
fun. Do you know what kind of tattoo you're interested in?" "A fallen
angel on my back, around the right shoulder. I like how

sad the angel looks on Cooper's tattoo, but I don't know what else it
should be like."
Aaron gestured for me to come back into his work space. We talked
over a few ideas. Fortunately, Aaron was more creative than me.
"I have a high tolerance for pain," I said while he worked on the design.
"But you've never had a tattoo before."
"No, but I can take a punch. Does it hurt more than that?" I said,
touching the snake tattoo up his neck.
"A punch might hurt more, but it's one hit then it gets numb. With a
tattoo, the pain isn't as bad, but it lasts longer."
"I really want the tattoo."
"If it's too painful, we'll break the tat into parts. That way, you can get
what you want, but the pain won't be overbearing."
Nodding, I sat quietly while Aaron sketched. Finally, my curiosity got
the best of me. "Did you do Judd's tattoos?"
"A few of them. The pirate ship and cross. His mom's name and the
eagle on his chest he got back in Memphis."
"I really love those tattoos you did. Will mine have that dark
shaded look?"
"Black and gray style is what you want. I might use a little color if it's
okay, so where Heaven opens up, it'll be a bit brighter."
Aaron turned his sketch pad around and showed me what he worked
up. For a second, I couldn't breathe.
It' s so beautiful," I finally said, taking the sketch pad. "You can tattoo
that on me?"
"If you want me to change anything, let me know."
Smiling, I studied the drawing of an angel falling from Heaven.
Heartbreakingly beautiful, it was more amazing than I could have ever
dreamed.
"I love it exactly the way it is."
Aaron watched me for a few minutes while I traced the sketch. "Does
the angel have anything to do with Judd?" he asked. Meeting his gaze, I
shrugged. "Why?" "He came in a few weeks ago and asked for an angel
tat."

"Oh," I mumbled.
"Seemed like he was basing the face on a specific girl." "Was he with
anyone?"
Aaron grinned. "Judd doesn't do the girlfriend thing, Tawny. He just
sleeps with women. I've never even heard of him going on a date."
"What about you?" I asked. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Aaron' s grin widened. "Coop would never let this happen. Besides,
I've already been someone's second choice before and I'm not a fan."
"I'm sorry."
"Having a pretty girl show interest isn't something a guy needs an
apology for."
Smiling awkwardly, I sighed. " I wanted Judd, but he didn' t want me. I'
m trying to get over him." "I understand."
"You had your heart broken too?"
"Yeah," Aaron said, rolling back on his chair to his computer. "She
held my heart in her hand. Unfortunately, she held a lot of guys' hearts
in her hand."
"I'm sorry."
"Life is about disappointments. Without the pain, how will we
appreciate the good stuff?" "True."
"You and I are young. We'll find someone else who won't shit on our
hearts."
Smiling, I tried to imagine being close to someone like I felt with Judd,
but it seemed impossible. Even Aaron with his pretty blue eyes and
easy smile didn't inspire me to be in his arms. Yet, maybe I could learn
to want someone else with enough practice.

Chapter Ten
David' s Bridal smelled rich with flowers and Bailey frowned at me like
she was prone to do when things stunk. Farah stood on my other side,
looking ready to run for the door. The place was filled with so many
dresses and accessories that I understood why Farah felt overwhelmed.
"How will I choose?" she finally muttered.
"Pick something that doesn't make you look like a slut. That'll narrow it
down," Bailey said, now frowning at a headless mannequin wearing a
tiny wedding dress with a long train. "Oh, and stay away from too
much lace. Don't want to look like someone's grandma."
A wide-eyed Farah looked at me as I took her hand. "This is fun. We're
going to look at them all and pick our favorites. Then, you'll try them
on and narrow them down. With so many to choose from, you 're sure
to find the perfect dress."
"I just don't want to look like I'm trying too hard."
"You're an idiot," Bailey snorted. "Try too hard to what?"
"Look fancy."
"You're wearing a fucking wedding dress. You're supposed to look
fancy. It's not like you're ever getting married again. If things don't
work out with Coop, he'll never let you go. Nope, you'll be heading for
a shallow grave." While Farah rolled her eyes, I stared at Bailey who
shrugged. "Too honest?
"Is that a real question?"
Bailey grinned. "What I meant to say was Farah and Cooper are so
fucking perfect for each other that they'll never get divorced, so she
should wear the fanciest damn dress she can find. It's what I would do if
I was once dirt poor and now had money."
"Great effort, but you lost a little bit of your fake niceness at the
end."
Bailey grinned. "Great effort is still something."
"Yes, it is," I said, taking Farah's hand. "Let's start narrowing things
down. I'll show you a dress and you decide if it's too poofy or not poofy
enough. We'll eventually hit the right level of poofy."

Farah laughed. "I want a good amount of poofy. It's rare that a girl can
be poofy without looking stupid."
"Maddy will be poofy no matter what she wears," Bailey said as Maddy
entered with Jodi and Sawyer. "I don't even know how she can get a
bridesmaid dress if she's going to swell up more before the wedding."
Everyone frowned at Bailey who glanced at me then back at Maddy
and added, "You're swelling with the gift of life."
Maddy laughed. "Was that you being nice?"
"That was me trying, yes."
"Ah," Maddy said, forcing Bailey into a hug. "I get so emotional these
days. I sure hope I don't get snot on you."
Bailey glared at me over Maddy's shoulder. "Snot away. It's the least I
can do when you're cooking my niece."
Leaving Maddy to snot up Bailey, I joined Farah at the racks. We
quickly narrowed down the not poofy enough dresses and the sales
clerk helped us towards a more poofy section of the store. The too
poofy dresses were soon added to the no-go list. Finally, we narrowed
it down to around ten dresses.
"What about the bridesmaids dresses?" Bailey asked, leaving Sawyer
to twirl from a sugar-induced high.
Farah glanced around and bit her bottom lips. "It's a Valentine's Day
theme, so the dresses should be a deep red."
"Like blood?" Jodi asked. "Classy." Unable to tell if she was being
sarcastic, the three of us looked at the older woman who suddenly
frowned. "Where the fuck is Skye?"
"She cancelled," Farah muttered, now looking at bridesmaid dresses.
"Fuck her!" Bailey squawked. "The bitch is out of the wedding!"
Hiding her hurt, Farah shrugged. "She had something to do."
"Don't be a doormat, Farah," Bailey grunted. "That bitch is all into
herself. Screw that shit. You'd be here for her stupid dress shopping.
Dump Skye and find another bridesmaid."
"Why do I need another one?"
"Cooper already decided how many dudes he's having. You need
enough chicks to walk with them. Duh." When I frowned at Bailey, she

added, "You look pretty today, Farah."
Everyone laughed then Jodi stepped up to Farah. "Don't worry about
the bridesmaid dresses yet. Just pick what you want for yourself. It's
your day. Who cares what the rest of these dipshits wear?"
"Hey, Mom," Bailey whined.
"You and Maddy can check out those dresses while Farah focuses on
Farah."
"What about Tawny?" Bailey asked, grabbing my hand. "Can I take her
with me?"
"No," Jodi said, pulling me away. "She should help her sister."
Bailey opened her mouth to complain then shut it and walked away as
if she wasn't pissed.
"Look at her learning shit," Jodi said, grinning before turning to us.
"Farah, focus on you today. Take your time to narrow down your
choices to a few dresses then you can think it over. The wedding isn't
for months, so don't stress this. It's supposed to be fun."
Farah nodded. "I'm nervous."
"Nothing happens today," Jodi insisted. "I wouldn't let you buy a dress
today, even if you begged. We're just looking."
Smiling easier now, Farah nodded. "New stuff still stresses me
out."
"All brides get weird. My sister turned into one of those Bridezilla
bitches and knifed her best friend. Weddings make people nuts, but it'll
be fine. We have time to make everything just the way you and Coop
want, so have fun."
Taking Farah's hand, we walked to the dressing rooms with the
salesclerk who brought the dresses. I was careful to avoid the wall of
mirrors as I waited for Farah to try on the dresses. The first few were
pretty, but not shockingly so.
Yet when Farah appeared in the third dress, I gasped at the sight of her.
Jumping up, I couldn't believe how stunning she looked.
"You look like a princess."
"Do you think it's too much?"
Shaking my head, I was in awe of her beauty. I turned to look at her
reflection, saw my smiling face, and flinched away. Farah

immediately pulled me closer.
"You are so beautiful, Tawny. One day, I hope you can see that." "I just
hate my smile."
"I know," she soothed, caressing my cheeks. "One day, maybe you
won't."
"Maybe. I really like this dress on you," I said, forcing a smile. "You
look amazing."
"I feel like someone else. Do you think it's pompous?"
"Stop with the pompous shit," Jodi said, having gone out for a smoke
break. "You're marrying the prince of the damn town. You want to look
good. Do you think Coop is worried about looking pompous?"
"No, but Coop doesn't care what anyone thinks."
"True. He wants you to be happy though, even if that means you 're
pompous," Jodi said then studied Farah. "If he sees you in this dress, he'
s going to turn stupid. I like it."
Even smiling, I felt edgy. "I'm going to go outside to get some air."
Farah frowned. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"You're wearing a wedding dress and it's cold outside. I'll be right
back."
I felt Farah's eyes on me as I walked out the front door. The weather felt
nearly winter, rather than autumn. Yet, the cold was good against my
skin.
"What's up?" Bailey asked, joining me.
"I'm feeling weird is all. Probably not good company."
"I don't care. Whatcha feeling weird about?"
"I'm just in a mood."
"How come?"
Giving in because Bailey wasn't giving up, I tried to explain.
"Sometimes, I look at Cooper and Farah and the life they're making and
it seems perfect. Pristine like a sparking pool. Sometimes, I feel like
I'm the turd dirtying their pool."
"You shouldn't talk about yourself like that. You're great. I mean that
too. I really like you and I don't like a lot of girls. Even Farah gets on
my nerves because she's...well I don't, but she just gets on my nerves.
You don't. You're not a turd."

"Maybe, but I hate my face." "You're really pretty though."
"Once, I looked in the mirror and saw something that made me realize I
was a bad person. I just hate looking at my face now." "You're not bad."
"I try to hide it, but I'm nasty and wrong."
Bailey hugged me against her. "Stop. You're going to make me cry and
I hate crying."
Pushing the pain back down inside me, I focused on Farah waiting for
me in the store.
"I'm sorry. I just feel sad sometimes."
"You deserved everything, Tawny. I'd give you it too, but I think what
you need isn' t something I can buy."
"No, it's not, but I appreciate the thought."
"Am I being a good friend? I don't know because usually I just tell
people to shut up and leave me alone when they have feelings."
"You're being great," I said, hugging her. "You did make me feel better.
Important too."
Bailey sighed. "I'm jealous of the attention Farah is getting for the
wedding. I might need more help to keep from showing her up."
"Imagine you're picking things out for your wedding. If you think about
how you'll have a beautiful wedding one day with a guy who loves you
like Coop loves Farah then you won't feel so jealous. You can settle
down and be supportive."
"I'll try, but I'm not kidding about Skye being out of the wedding. I
don't care what Farah says. Skye is a bitch and she doesn't value Farah.
She only cares about her boytoy and her friends in Memphis. Fuck her.
She's not in the wedding, even if I have to tie her up and ditch her
somewhere."
"I don't want Skye in the wedding either. Farah probably doesn't either,
but she's not great at confrontation. You can tell Skye to fuck off, so
Farah doesn't have to. It'll be your bridesmaid duty."
Bailey laughed. "I'm going to make that bitch cry."
Laughing too, I returned to the store where Farah waited. Her
expression was dark until she saw me giggling with Bailey.

"I know you can't pick a dress today," I told Farah, "but I like this one
the most. We'll take pictures, so you can remember how beautiful you
look."
Maddy appeared next to us. "I found a dress that'll look good on me as
well as you skinny broads."
"I found a dress in red," Sawyer said, still twirling around. "Farah, you
look beautiful."
"Thanks, sweetpea."
"Who's ready to ditch this place and get lunch?" Jodi asked.
Everyone looked restless as we took photos of the dresses we liked and
made plans to come back closer to the wedding for fittings. Walking
out of the store, I held hands with Farah and Bailey while thinking only
happy thoughts.

Chapter Eleven
When my birthday arrived, I decided it was a big deal. I wasn't merely
one day older, but a woman now. No more hiding behind my sister and
her man, I would build a life of my own. I already had a job lined up at
Denny's for the morning shift. I also found an apartment I could afford
on my salary. Cooper was pissed about both of these changes. Farah
just seemed sad, but she claimed to understand. For her, I was still the
damaged little sister in need of protection. No more hiding behind
Farah, I thought waking on my birthday. From this day on, I was a new
woman.
By the time the house was filled with Cooper's friends and the party
was hitting full gear, I decided I would find me a boyfriend. While no
man could compare to Judd in my mind, any guy might help me take
another step into independence.
While Aaron made clear how he and I couldn't happen, I still hurried to
his side when he arrived.
"You came," I said stupidly.
"Of course. Happy birthday."
"It's just I don't know any of these people, but I know you." Aaron
grinned. "Let's see if you still like me after the tat. I've had more than a
few people stop talking to me afterwards." "That's stupid." "Pain makes
people stupid."
"By people, do you mean women?" I asked, hands on my hips and fake
offended.
Aaron's smile grew. "Oh, no, I'm not falling into that trap. Besides, men
the size of linebackers have freaked out and girls small enough to fit in
my trunk have dozed off in the middle of it. Can't be sure how you'll
react until you're under the needle."
"I' m excited though," I said, smiling up at him. "Your drawing was
beautiful and imagining something so amazing on my body seems
unbelievable."
"Wait," Cooper grunted, suddenly appearing from behind a corner,
"what's on your body?"

As Cooper hovered over him menacingly, Aaron laughed. "I told
Tawny that you wouldn't want us hooking up." "No fucking way."
I punched Cooper's arm as hard as I could, meaning he barely felt it.
"Stop threatening him. I'm a woman today and I'm hooking up with
anyone I want."
"No, I have to screen them first," Cooper said with complete
seriousness.
"He's your best friend," I muttered.
"Exactly. He needs a woman who will swoon for him. You're more like
giddy over him. Not good enough. Find someone else."
Aaron and I laughed while Cooper shrugged. His irritation faded when
Farah appeared wearing a clingy burgundy sweater. Cooper's gaze
locked onto her chest and Farah grinned knowingly.
Seeing our chance at a getaway, Aaron and I split up to avoid more
Cooper meddling. Heading towards the kitchen, I hoped Bailey would
arrive soon, so I'd have someone to talk to. Farah had to play hostess,
but she kept an eye on me when she wasn't teasing Cooper.
Leaning against the kitchen island with its dark granite, I sipped a beer
and nibbled some kind of hors d'oeuvres Farah ordered. The food tasted
weird. Good at first then like an explosion of gross in the back of my
throat.
"Pretty fucking awful, huh?" a guy said next to me.
Turning towards the garden room, I was startled to find a big bald guy
behind me. Like Cooper, he didn't seem like the sort of man capable of
sneaking up on anyone. Yet, he simply appeared.
"I' m going to spit it out," I said, leaning over to casually rid myself of
the nastiness into the trashcan. When I stood back up, the guy grinned
in a way that said he was on the hunt. "I' m a picky eater," I muttered
awkwardly.
"The Goldstein girl recommended the caterer. Don't trust a girl from
Memphis, I guess," he said then added. "I'm Mac." "Tawny."
"Yeah, the birthday girl."
Mac was the kind of guy to help get my mind off Judd. Fun and

wild, he wasn't forever, but I was only looking for a distraction
anyway. Smiling big for him, I hoped the yucky hors d'oeuvre wasn't in
my teeth. "I'm legal now."
"I heard," Mac said softly as his dark eyes warmed.
Knowing he was putting on his smooth guy moves, I nearly giggled.
Instead, I focused hard on remaining calm. Even with my aversion to
being touched, I wanted a boyfriend. With effort, I could move past
Judd and find a man who might want me as much as I wanted him.
Building my courage, I reached out and caressed Mac's arm, just over a
sexy woman tattoo. His gaze focused on my fingers before lifting to my
face. As our eyes met, a sly smile slid across his face.
While I didn't want what he was imagining, I craved feeling beautiful
like Farah felt when Cooper looked at her. Mac's gaze suddenly moved
past me. Without a word, he walked away.
Spinning around, I expected Cooper to be the one driving away my
possible first boyfriend. Instead, Judd stared at me with those cold
irritated eyes.
When he said nothing, I considered walking away or following Mac.
Then, Judd gave me a small head gesture to follow him. A part of me
knew it was a mistake to join him outside, but avoiding him was a weak
chick move.
Once on the front porch, Judd asked in a low, edgy voice, "What is it
that you think you were doing?"
"I' m eighteen and I want a boyfriend," I said, crossing my arms in the
chilly air.
Judd gave me an angry smile. "And you think a guy like Mac will bring
you flowers and write you poems." "I think he'd show me a good time."
Immediately, Judd erased the space between us. "Is that what you want,
kid? Want a little fun in the sack?"
"Why do you care, Daddy?"
Studying my face, Judd glared at me. "I can show you fun. I can show
you lots of things."
"As long as I don' t cry or whine or annoy you, right? As long as I

pretend to be someone I'm not," I muttered, stepping back. "I'm trying
to be a woman a guy like you would want. When I become that woman,
I won't really care what you think. I was just a job, remember?"
"You know what you were and it wasn't a job."
His words taunted me, offering a glimmer of hope. Yet, his words on
the driveway less than two months ago lingered in my thoughts. "Why
are you bothering me?"
"You're not to go around Mac again. Do you understand?"
"I don't have to listen to you."
Judd narrowed his eyes at me. "Fine. I'll tell him to stay away from you.
He'll listen if he wants to keep both eyes."
"Whatever. He's one guy and the college is full of them. Bailey and I
are going to a frat party this weekend. Can't take all of those guys'
eyes."
"Is that a challenge?"
"You got me here safe," I said, trying to look away, but unable to. "You
did your job and I'm sure you got paid. What more do you want?"
Judd glanced at approaching Harleys then focused on me. When he
erased the space between us again, I shivered at the feel of his breath on
my cheek.
"You know what I want."
"To fuck me because I'm hot."
Judd stared in my eyes and I saw the walls come down. Even staring
into those pained baby blues, I remembered how coldly he discarded
me. Over a month passed with no word from him. Yet, one guy sniffed
around me and Judd was suddenly interested.
"Is your birthday present to me to make me a woman?" I whispered,
holding his gaze. "You have to know I'm not a virgin and you'd do
nothing someone hasn't done before. There's no prize between my legs.
Maybe you outta stop threatening random men and go find yourself a
real woman."
Judd opened his mouth to speak until he heard Cooper's voice from
inside the house. When the arriving guests called back to their boss,
Judd stepped away from me. Sighing, he shoved his hands into the
pockets of his brown leather jacket.

"I see a prize when I look at you," he said softly as he walked past, "but
it's not between your legs." He pressed a little wrapped box into my
hand. "Happy birthday, angel."
Appearing on the porch, Cooper lost his smile when he saw Judd and
me. The men gave each other a little nod before Judd stepped off the
porch and past the men who also did their male hello gestures. The men
disappeared inside, but Cooper remained next to me as I watched Judd
drive away on a black Harley.
"Men like that don't do soft, Tawny," Cooper said. "You and your sister
need soft because you had shit growing up. Don't shortchange yourself
by pining over a guy with ice in his veins."
"He's not all bad," I said, letting my fingers play with the bow on the
present.
"If he hadn't been out finding you, who do you think I'd have used to
deal with your mom?" When I looked up at Cooper and frowned, he
spoke softer, "Not a lot of men will do a woman like that. Judd would."
"Who did her then?" I whispered. "Tucker?"
Cooper looked like he might not answer. Glancing back in the house, I
saw the unspoken message. The words we shared now were not for
Farah's ears.
"Haven't you heard?" Cooper nearly whispered. "Tucker's having a girl
and it's got him all gooey inside." "Then who?" I whispered.
"I had Outlaw handle it," Cooper said, staring out at a passing car.
"That's what he's good for. Him and Judd, they do the things weak men
like me and Tucker won't."
"I don't think you're weak," I said, accepting how I wouldn't hear more
details.
"Taking care of a woman isn't something I have the stomach for. I'm
too close to my mom maybe. Judd likes his mom, yet he'd have done
your mom in a heartbeat. You keep that in mind when you start
swooning for your knight in shining armor. Remember how he saved
you because I paid him to. He's no hero and he won't treat you right.
After the shitty first eighteen years of your life, you need to be treated
well, okay? Don't settle. Not here in Ellsberg where you don't need to."

Once I nodded, Cooper returned to the house. I knew he would send
Farah to check on me, so I opened the gift from Judd while I was alone.
A beautiful crucifix necklace shined in the box. A million times better
than my puny necklace stolen years ago by a raping thug, this one made
my heart beat too fast. I was again a stupid kid hoping for a dream she
would never achieve.

Chapter Twelve
Moving into my dumpy apartment was a two hour ordeal, mostly
because Cooper wouldn't stop complaining. The place was too small. It
was in a crappy area of town, full of stupid college losers and druggies.
I should get something nicer. Why wouldn't I just get something nicer?
He would pay for something nicer. Had I considered getting something
nicer?
Farah said Cooper was spoiled and she was right. He led the charmed
life of a winner. He never had to work hard and I doubted he failed at
anything. A sense of accomplishment and self-worth wasn't something
Cooper worried about, so he couldn't understand I needed this shitty
apartment. I also needed to work after my uncharmed life of a loser
where I failed at most things.
Farah just seemed sad, so I kept hugging her. I suspected she thought I
was leaving her. While Farah kept saying she would spend more time
with me, she had a busy life between Cooper and school. She had given
me everything she could, but it wasn't her job to baby me. As an adult, I
needed to behave like one.
Cooper agreed I could work at Denny's. I just rolled my eyes when he
said that since I hadn't asked his opinion anyway. Still, I think he felt
his manhood was questioned by having me get a job and move out. In
his mind, he failed his duty as protector and Cooper wasn't used to
failing. Except he hadn't done anything wrong, but explaining this for
the millionth time seemed to go in one ear and out the other.
Finally, Cooper said I would have someone watching out for me. He
also offered to get me a car, but I didn't want handouts. I needed to earn
something on my own. Only through hard work could I feel pride in
myself. Taking the bus and watching my money would give me what I
needed, but Cooper sighed loudly like I was a stubborn idiot. Next to
him, Farah looked as if I was abandoning her forever, even though we
lived ten minutes away from each other.
My first day at Denny's wasn't stressful. I'd waitressed enough that I
knew the drill. Prepared for how unflattering the uniforms were, I didn'
t mind looking dowdy. I wanted praise for my hard work, not my

body.
The girl I shadowed the first day was named Larkin. She said to call her
Lark and I thought the name suited her. With bright green eyes and her
dark hair in a short spiky style, she looked a bit like a pixy. She smiled
so much and it wasn't fake either. Soon, I was smiling like crazy too.
Lark had an infection quality and I felt lucky to share a work schedule
with her. Everything was already looking up and it was only my first
day on my own.
At the end of our first shift, Lark checked ketchup levels while I wiped
tables nearby. When she glanced at me, her green eyes sparkled.
"A lot of guys ask us out. I know the nightshift girls get the rowdy guys,
but in the morning, they're usually the preppy frat boys. If you want to
go out with them, you can, but keep it quiet. You won't get in trouble,
but it's not considered a great idea. If you don't want to go out with
them, say it's against the rules."
"Do you ever go out with them?"
"No, but I would if I had a choice. A few of them are cute and nice.
They just want to hook up with the local girls and blow off some
steam." "Why don't you have a choice?"
For the first time, Lark's expression wasn't happy. She just shrugged.
"My mom married an asshole and he thinks he's my dad now. He is
always telling me what to do. I should ignore him, but I don't want to
move out and pay for rent, since I need my salary for college."
"I' m sorry," I said, unable to say much else.
"Yeah, he drove my sister away. Raven and I were tight. Best friends
like you and your sister, but she took off when Edward started with his
rules. He's bossy with my mom," Lark said, glancing around before
whispering, "They have this dom sub thing in their relationship and she
likes having him tell her what to do. It works for them, but Raven is
wild. She challenged him constantly and things got out of hand a few
times, so she bailed. Left town with a guy she met and headed to
California."
"I'm sure you miss her."
"I do," Lark said, sighing quietly and fighting a frown. "We were on a
roller derby team together. We did everything together then she just

left. I know she wasn't ditching me, but it felt that way. I mean, I
couldn't go because I'm working on a degree, but I wish she had moved
into a place in town and we could have lived together. She couldn't
stand Edward and they got into a fist fight. He threatened to call the
cops and she took off."
"Maybe she'll come back?"
"She and the guy she ran off with fight a lot. He's a jackass, so she'll
probably bail him too. It's like she went from one ass to another, but I
don't know if she'll ever come back here."
Leaving the table I was cleaning, I walked to Lark and hugged her. She
never seemed the least bit surprised and hugged me back immediately.
"I know some people don't like their sisters," she whispered, "but mine
is great and I wish she hadn't left."
"I know. When Farah left for college, I felt like nothing else mattered."
Lark smiled sadly. "You know you can live without them, but it's just
tougher. Nothing is as nice without your best friend around."
"If you told Raven that, she might come back and put up with the
asshole."
Lark sighed as her gaze flickered to the door. "It's not just him though."
Following her gaze, I saw a tall handsome young man with a mohawk.
He frowned at Lark and tapped his watch. The way he watched her
made me think he was her boyfriend.
"Edward's son. My brother, I guess," she said, finishing up the tables.
When she passed me to check out for the day, Lark whispered, "Jerks
run in their family."
Lark and her step-brother walked out to the parking lot where she
climbed on the back of his Harley. After they road off, I realized I
should probably head home too. Yet, I felt nervous about spending the
night in the apartment on my own. The night before I chickened out and
slept over at Farah's. She had made us popcorn then painted my nails.
Cooper just sighed and shook his head as if we were still discussing the
move and he figured he might win with enough disapproval.

This evening, I wouldn't run to Farah for safety. I would tough it out
especially since I noticed a biker following my busses home. Clearly,
Cooper had people keeping an eye out for me. Yet, I needed to prove I
was capable of being out on my own.
When that didn't work, I called Bailey and she came over for the night.
I know she hated how loud the apartment was because my neighbors on
both sides were potheads who enjoyed Primus in the middle of the
night. Bailey didn't complain though. I saw how much she wanted to,
but she kept her mouth closed and pretended we were having a
sleepover.
The next morning, a sleepy Bailey dropped me off at work and
mumbled something about seeing me later. When I called Farah to let
her know my first night had gone well, she asked me to come to dinner
that evening. When I didn't answer right away, she sent a picture of a
frowning Cooper. Taking the hint, I agreed.
Lark was back to her happy self and we enjoyed the first few hours of
work. She even helped me flirt with a guy who had come back in to talk
to me. When I was unsure how to handle his invitation to dinner, Lark
assured me that at the very least I'd get a free meal out of the date.
"Free meals make it all better," she said, winking. "If he gets handsy,
casually mention that your sister is marrying a Johansson. Those hands
will get respectful in a flash."
Feeling more confident, I agreed. Ryan still made me miss the Judd of
my fantasies, instead of the real Judd who played with my heart.
Then, four hours into my shift, Lark seated the real Judd in my section.
She walked past and said he requested me. Oh, and a coffee. Setting his
drink on the table, I stepped back and held out my pad of paper. He
looked up at me with his faded blue eyes and smiled casually like we
were old friends.
"Do you need more time?" I asked coldly.
"Hello, Tawny," he said in the deep voice I craved.
"Hello, Judd. Do you need more time?"
Judd tapped his tight black tee to indicate where I wore the necklace he
bought me. "It looks good on you." "I've sent a thank you note in the
mail."

Judd lost his smile. "You're kidding, right?"
"I got your address from Bailey. Do you need more time to order?"
Sighing, Judd looked back at the menu then back at me. "What do they
serve here?"
"You ate at several Denny's on the way to town."
"I ate breakfast crap and I don't want breakfast crap right now."
Leaning forward, I flipped the menu to the lunch and dinner pages. "Do
you need me to read it to you too?"
Before I stood up, Judd leaned forward and brushed his lips against my
cheek. Jerking away, I wiped away the sensation of him, even though
he felt like heaven on my skin.
"I'll give you a chance to look it over," I said, moving away while
caressing the necklace absently.
"Stay and help me pick."
"Why are you here? Did Cooper tell you to watch me?"
Judd gave me a cocky grin. "Watching over a chick is below my pay
grade. No, he sent Parker to keep an eye on you. Say hi to Parker," Judd
said, gesturing towards a guy in the corner booth who had been
drinking coffee for two hours. I gave a little wave to the older guy with
the longass goatee.
"So what do you want?"
"You know what I want. I made that clear at your party."
"To fuck me." When Judd rolled his eyes, I smacked the table, actually
startling him. "Don't you dare treat me like I'm dumb. You blew me off
and said I wasn't good enough for you. Now, you act like I should
giggle and swoon because you've decided you're interested again. I
didn't fuck up and I don't think you're cute coming here and bothering
me at work. "
"Are you done?"
"Sure, sir. What would you like?"
"Dinner tonight. I'll explain shit and we'll get over your hurt feelings
and things will be like they were."
"You mean like on the road when you ignored me most of the time
when you weren't acting like I was either hot or annoying?"
Judd titled his head back and forth then sighed. "No, I'll probably

want to aim higher than that." "I'm not amused."
"You can't know how sexy you are when you give me your death stare.
Hotter than hell."
"I'm not against fucking you eventually, but I'm still mad. Until I get
over it, you'll have to fuck someone else."
"You don't mean that."
"I'll come back."
"Dinner tonight."
"No."
"Don't be like that."
"Like what? Strong?"
"More like a stubborn brat. Hell, you've been waiting this whole time
for me to get my head out of my ass and come for you. Well, my head is
firmly free and I' m here, so stop making me jump through hoops."
Staring at him, I waited. While it wasn't like the staring contests I
witnessed between Cooper and Farah, it was close. Yet, I didn't back
down, so Judd just grinned.
"Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?"
"I'm busy tonight. Farah is making dinner."
"Then tomorrow," he said, glancing over the menu now.
"I have plans."
Judd stiffened and his gaze met mine. "Who?"
"It's none of your business."
"I know Mac wouldn't go near you, so who is it?"
Again, I stared, but Judd didn't grin this time. "I'll come back when you'
re ready to order."
"You might as well tell me since I'm going to find out anyway. No,
scratch that. Just ditch him and go to dinner with me. It'll save us all a
lot of time that way."
"I' m not going out with you," I said, through clenched teeth. "Ever.
You suck and I don't want you."
"You're lying."
"Not about you sucking. That's a fact."

"I fucked up, but you know enough to understand how that's bound to
happen. Just chill out and ditch this loser you've got lined up for
tomorrow. I'll take you somewhere nice. Do you like steak?"
Realizing he wasn't backing down, I leaned forward and looked him in
the eye. He was close enough that I could almost touch his lips and I
wanted to so badly. Instead, I remembered how he left me that day and
never looked back.
"I wanted you more than anything I've ever wanted before," I said
quietly while fighting to keep my voice steady. "I thought you were
mine and would see in me what Cooper sees in Farah. Instead, you told
me I was shit. You made me feel like nothing just like my dad and
everyone else does. Now, you want me and I'm supposed to let you
treat me bad because I'm a loser who can't do better. Well, I can do
better. I can be happy, so fuck off."
Judd took my wrist and stopped me from leaving. "I fucked up and I
can't fix that, but we can start over now."
"It's too late," I said, yanking my arm free. "When I look at you, I see
the man who looked at me as if I was trash. I spent my life feeling that
way and I want more now."
"You're not trash," he whispered, giving me a pained look. "You're
good at reading people, right? That's how you kept beating me at cards.
Well, read me now, angel. What am I thinking?"
"That I'm your Arby's and you can't live without me, but it's a fantasy
and I'm the one who will suffer when you get bored and toss me aside."
"My what?" he muttered, frowning darkly.
"I'm not talking to you anymore about this. I'm at work and you're
making me look bad. So order or don't, but I'm pretending you're just
anyone else."
"I' m not anyone else, am I?"
Staring into his sad eyes, I said the painful words, "No, you were the
first man to break my heart. I guess that makes you special."
Judd gave me a look full of regret then closed the menu. "Just bring me
that fish and shrimp crap."
Grabbing the menu, I walked away. When I served him the food,

Judd only said thank you. Despite him looking so beautiful and feeling
his presence even while I hid in the kitchen, my resolve held. Less than
an hour after he arrived, Judd left me a nice tip then disappeared out the
door. Parker left soon afterwards and I assumed Judd felt I was safe on
my own without a bodyguard. Nope.
Leaving work hours later, I found Judd leaning against his Harley and
texting. When he noticed me, the phone disappeared into his pocket
and a cocky smile lit up his face.
"Cooper said I should give you a ride home."
"No, thank you," I muttered, walking past him and towards the bus
stop.
"It wasn't an option."
"Plan to tie me up and hold me against my will then?" I asked over my
shoulder.
"If I need to."
Ignoring him, I stood at the bus stop and watched the passing traffic.
"What did that Arby's thing mean?" he asked, resting his shoulder
against the bus stop enclosure.
"It means you want something because you think it's better than it
is."
Judd nodded. "Why Arby's though?"
Sitting on the bench, I hugged myself. His beauty taunted me with what
I wanted, but couldn't have. Despite his sudden interest, I remembered
how coldly Judd looked as he said I was a whiny child who wasn't good
enough for him.
Judd nudged my shoe with his boot. "Why Arby's? Is that code for
something?"
Glancing up at him, I wished he hadn't said those hurtful words. Why
couldn't he have said he wanted to wait until I was eighteen? Instead, he
made me feel like nothing when he had the power to make me feeling
like everything.
"When I was a kid, we didn't get to eat out at restaurants. All the kids at
school would go out to McDonald's or nice restaurants, but we

never got to go anywhere." Pausing, I stared up at him, knowing he
would make fun of what I said next. "I used to collect stuff. Nothing
nice, just flyers and advertisements I saw in the mail. The manager at
this one motel would let me go through the junk mail and keep what I
liked."
Staring down the street, I wished the bus would arrive, but knew I had
awhile to wait.
"One of the ads was for Arby's," I said, peeking up at him and finding
him listening intently. "The sandwiches looked so good and I would
dream of eating there."
When I paused as a loud truck sped by, Judd sighed. "Arby's sucks
though. You know that, right?"
Nodding, I continued, "The picture looked really good and I wanted
one of those sandwiches so bad. I would sit on the sidewalk in front of
our motel room when our parents wanted to be alone and I would stare
at the picture. Farah would read books, but I would look at my junk
mail collection and dream of stuff I wanted and that sandwich at Arby'
s was the one I wanted most. Then, one day in high school, I started
stealing a little bit of my tips that I usually gave to Dad. I saved up, so I
could take me and Farah to Arby's. I was so excited, but like you said, it
sucked. The dream was great, but reality let me down."
"Did you just compare yourself to a shitty fast foot joint?" Judd asked
with an amused expression on his handsome face.
Fighting the urge to cry because he mocked me just like I knew he
would, I shrugged. "I really liked that picture."
Judd' s smile faded and he sighed while joining me on the bench.
"I fucked up that day. I had a different plan when we pulled into the
driveway then I saw you with your sister and that big house of hers. I
saw how you changed with your sister around as if you opened up and
blossomed like this amazing flower. I saw all that and I thought about
how you could build something really great in this place, but I wasn't
the guy to be around for that. I' m not the guy who does the homemaker
shit and I can' t change like Cooper did. So I said what I said."
"You made me feel like trash."
Judd's face pinched and he looked around. "I'm not a good man,

Tawny. Even if I wanted to change for a pretty girl, I' m too far gone
into the shit that I am."
"So why are you here?"
"Because I couldn't stay away. Ditching you was the right thing to do
and I should back the fuck off now, but I can't. You're in my head and I
had to fight every damn day not to make up some fucking excuse to see
you. Then, like fate or God or whatever, I see you driving around with
Bailey and Farah and it's like a sign. I had to go to your party and make
things happen between us, even if I knew those things are shit for you. I
just couldn't deny myself what I needed."
Holding myself tighter, I tried not to allow his words to affect me. "I'm
sorry, but you hurt me and I'm not strong enough to chance it again."
"I had to hurt you. I needed you to give up on me and that was only
happening if I hurt you."
"Why couldn't you say you weren't ready or it was you that sucked?" I
said as my voice broke before I regained control. "Why did you have to
make me the piece of shit? I threw my feelings out there for you in the
parking lot and you kissed me like I mattered. Then, you walked away
like I wasn't good for anything."
Judd reached out and caressed my cheek with the back of his hand.
"You're a fucked up chick. You know that, right? You're all twisted up
and damaged, but you're also good. You look at me like I'm not a bad
man you should run from. You look at me like I'm misunderstood. If I
told you it was me and not you, babe, you would have chased after me
with some fairytale about fixing me."
"Maybe you're right, but you're here. If you're bad for me and I already
feel ugly every time you look at me, why should I want you anymore?"
When Judd stared at me with those sad eyes, I inched away.
"You're the most beautiful fucking thing I've ever seen. You make me
feel amazing and like shit every second you look at me. It's why I need
you and also why I pushed you away. As much as I want to protect you
from me, I want you more. If I was a good man, I'd leave you alone.
Like I said, I'm not a good man."

We sat there for a while in silence until I saw the bus approaching in the
distance. Standing, I sighed. "I'm not ready for you, Judd. I need to get
strong and independent. That way, when you hurt me, I won't feel so
low."
Judd wrapped a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "This is where I
should promise I won't hurt you, but I'd be lying and we'd both know
it."
"So not now, but one day."
Judd stared at me as his fingers teased my lips. "No." "No, never?"
"No, it's going to be now. I made up my mind the day I saw you out
driving around. I decided things were happening and I'm not putting
them off. Not for a few days or weeks or whatever. I want you and you
want me. We might not be any good for each other, but I'm not walking
away."
"Then, you're going to be disappointed," I said as the bus arrived.
"Let me drive you home."
"No."
"Fine, but I told Cooper I'd get you home safe, so I'm following
you."
"Have fun. I'll wave at you," I said, disappearing into the small local
bus.
Judd kept his word and followed me to the apartment, even though it
took twenty minutes, two busses, and eighteen stops. When I got off the
bus, he pulled to the curb and watched me walk to my apartment. I tried
to ignore him, but couldn't stop from glancing back before I
disappeared into my place. Judd stared in a way I hated and craved.
Closing the door on the view of him, I hoped he stayed away because I
wasn't sure my resolve was stronger than my heart.

Chapter Thirteen
Sitting across from Ryan at the steakhouse, I knew I wasn't cheating. I
still felt guilty for wanting Judd and being with Ryan. Also, I felt guilty
for wasting Ryan's time when I wanted Judd. Mostly, I was unhappy I
couldn't be with Judd, yet I couldn't be happy without him.
Respectful in a fake way, Ryan was what Judd and Cooper called a
hitter. While I was his newest conquest, I didn't plan to put out. I just
didn' t find him attractive enough to overcome my lust for Judd.
Besides, I really didn't want anyone besides Judd touching me.
Still, Ryan wasn't a bad guy and he took me to a nice restaurant I
wouldn't be able to afford. Shelling out decent money to get into my
pants, he wasn't a jerk like some guys, but he wasn't getting his money's
worth tonight.
"My roommate has a gerbil," Ryan said, grinning. "The little guy got
loose and crapped all over my bed. It's just been a crazy day."
Nodding at his silly story, I heard a familiar voice. "That's fucking
fascinating," Judd said from behind me. "Then, what happened?"
Wanting to disappear, I knew Farah would never sell me out. This
meant Judd was stalking me.
He pulled a chair to the table. "What are we having for dinner?"
"Who are you exactly?" Ryan asked.
"Tawny's man. I don't do names or handshakes, so save it, kid."
When Ryan looked at me for help, I shook my head. "I have no control
over him. If I did, he wouldn't be here."
"Oh, don't be like that," Judd said, caressing the back of my hair. "I like
that sweater on you. Very autumn. Looks good with your eyes."
"Please, go away."
"I can't. I'm your ride tonight."
"Should I leave?" Ryan asked.
Judd glanced at my date. "Just catch onto that, did you?" Ryan stood
up. "See you around, Tawny." "Can't you stay and ignore him?" Judd's
eyes narrowed. "No, he can't."
"We can still talk," I said, praying Ryan would stay. "He might

leave if we treat him like static in the background."
Ryan considered staying until Judd's amused expression faded. "She's
not fucking you, if that's what you're holding out for. In fact, you ain' t
even getting a goodnight kiss. Well, unless you want that to be the last
thing your lips ever do before I rip them off your face."
"I' m going to leave," Ryan said, giving me a tight smile. "See you
around."
"If you see her," Judd growled, "you just keep on walking." Nodding,
Ryan hurried away, leaving me alone with Judd who switched into the
seat across from me. "Alone at last." "I'm leaving."
"You didn't really want to have dinner with the shithead, did you?"
"Yes. He's nice and cute."
"Cute like a puppy? Chicks don't want cute."
"I did."
"You want me."
Standing, I sighed. "I don't have the money to pay for a meal here, so
I'm leaving."
Barely turning, I felt Judd immediately against my back. "You know I'
ll pay," he whispered in my ear as an arm slid around my waist. "Just sit
and we'll talk."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Tell me about stuff. I don't really care what we talk about. I don't know
you well enough to be picky. Just sit down and we'll have dinner."
Staring up at him, I wished he hadn't hurt me because I had such big
hopes for us. Yet, every time I looked at him now, I feared when he' d
discard me again.
"If I do this, will you leave me alone afterwards? Will you see we can't
work and just go away?"
"No," he said, gesturing for me to sit down. "You won't want me to
anyway."
While I was hungry, I didn't look forward to dinner with a smug Judd.
"I'll pay you back."
Sitting down, Judd stared at me. "Something's got to give here. I

can't keep chasing, if you won't let me catch you."
"You've been chasing me for two days. Even if I wanted you to catch
me, I wouldn't give in after such a short amount of time."
"I've never chased a woman before," he said, glancing over the menu as
the waiter frowned at my new date. "It's more work than I'm used to."
"Lazy and whiny. Hard to believe I haven't dropped my panties
yet."
Even though I wasn't kidding, Judd grinned. Then, his gaze met the still
frowning waiter.
"Do we have a problem, bud?" Judd asked in a low growl.
The waiter blinked once then suddenly wasn't concerned at all. "Are
you ready to order or do you need more time?"
"More time. Get me a beer."
"Foreign or domestic?" the waiter asked, eliciting a dark frown from
Judd. "I'll get your beer."
After the waiter left, I studied Judd who looked hot in a buttoned black
shirt and jeans. His tanned skinned was warm like honey next to the
darkness of his shirt. Catching me looking at him, Judd smiled, but his
eyes weren't amused. They were hungry.
Farah often talked about how Cooper was forever horny. I suspected
Judd was horny, but I felt more than simple lust from him. He watched
me like a predator starving for the meal just feet away. All I had to do
was relent and allow him to snag his dinner.
"Why are you working?" he asked, setting aside the menu. "And living
in that shithole apartment? Cooper has money and that big house in
suburbia. You should be living there with your sister."
"They're gone all day at school. Besides, they just fell in love and now
they want to fuck constantly," I said, lifting my gaze to meet his. "And
I mean constantly. They don't need me around."
"Can't you go to school?"
"I hate school."
"Me too, but I graduated high school. You should at least do that
much."
"Thanks for the advice, Dad."

Eyes narrowed, Judd glared hard at me. I imitated him and we stared
angrily at each other until the nervous waiter appeared. Once Judd took
a swig of beer, he let me win the staring match. We ordered then the
waiter left us to an awkward silence.
"You should get a better job," Judd said, tapping his fingers on the
table. "Something where you get paid more. Have Cooper find you
something."
"I want to do things on my own. Farah built a life here and I want to
build one too. If I live there and rely on Cooper's money, I'm just
glomming onto their life."
"Are you punishing yourself, is that it?"
Shrugging, I glanced around then back at Judd. "I want to be strong."
"You are strong." "Not really."
Judd exhaled softly. "No, I guess not, but you're stronger than you
think. You're stronger than when we met. Hell, you told me no and we
both know that couldn' t have been easy."
Giving him a little grin, I shrugged again. "Wasn't that hard either."
"Liar."
Grinning wider, I sighed. "I really wanted you." Judd' s smile faded. "I
know. I wanted you too." "That time has passed."
"No. We still want it. That's why you look at me like I'm both your
salvation and a death sentence. You still want me and I clearly still
want
you."
"You walked away."
"I wanted you to do well on your own."
"Then let me."
"Now, I want you to do well on your own with me standing nearby.
Also with me frequently inside you." "Don't be nasty."
"It wouldn't be. Somehow, it'd be better than anything I've known."

Even as my skin flushed at the thought of us alone and naked, I
shrugged with disinterest. "That's the Arby's thing talking."
"Stop with the Arby's shit, will you? You're a beautiful chick and I can't
get you out of my head. Comparing you to a fucking shit eatery isn't
acceptable. It's like comparing the Sistine Chapel to my auntie's house.
Ain't even close."
Lowering my head, I smiled behind my hand. Knowing I was stupid to
fall for his compliments, I had needed him to want me since the first
day we met. Now, he did, but it wouldn't last.
"I like that shirt on you," I said, sipping my drink and acting casual.
"You clean up nice, Judd."
Something hid behind his hunger and I saw it awaken in that moment.
The emotion was like desperation. As if I offered every possibility for
him, yet remained just out of reach. Then, Judd blinked and the
emotion was hidden by his cold blue eyes.
"Tell me you didn't want that guy."
"You mean lie?"
Judd swallowed. "How can you want him and me? He's a fucking child
who nearly wet himself then ditched you like a coward. I'm a man."
"I remember you mentioning you're a man that day you ditched me like
a coward."
Judd exhaled softly. "Fuck," he whispered.
"Yes, it's cruel of me to use your words against you."
"You want this."
"I want to eat only candy and stay up late watching TV and sit on my
ass like a lazy bitch every day. I want lots of things that are bad for me.
I'm an adult now and I can't afford to make bad choices."
Judd glanced around with a grumpy expression. He suddenly looked
rather young and maybe a little lost too.
"Aren't you going to say how you're not a bad decision?" I asked when
he said nothing.
"I' m a shit decision. The worst of your life, but we both need you to
make it."
Twirling my hair, I shook my head. "Farah came here and worked

hard. She had to live with my mom. Farah made friends and met
Cooper and took chances and made a new life. I'm doing that too
because I want a good life. I never wanted anything besides not to die
violently or for my sister to stop loving me. Now, I want nice things
too."
When he only watched me silently, I whispered, "You're beautiful."
Judd exhaled as if he was exhausted. "I need you to say yes." "I can't."
"Guys like that punk from earlier will treat you nice until they fuck you
then they'll walk away. This college town is full of those fuckers. Not
just the college guys either. The club guys, men outside the club, but
who work for the Johanssons. There are a lot of men around here who
use young women. I should know. I was one of them."
"Was?"
"I want you." "For how long?" "Until I don't."
Deflating a little, I shrugged. "Nice sales pitch." "So you want to be
sold on this."
"I want you, but I can't have you. I see how proud Farah is when she
does well on a test. She's different now. Confident and strong. She gets
that from Cooper because she can be real with him. Maybe I can't have
school and a sense of accomplishment like that, but I can feel good
about work. I've made friends and I've never had friends except for
Farah. I like who I' m becoming, but I have to make good decisions and
you said you're a bad decision."
"I' m not a man to depend on. I could lie and tell you to trust me, but
you deserve better than bullshit."
Judd and I shared the same habit as Farah and me where we could fall
into silence for periods of time without it feeling weird. For the next
few minutes until dinner arrived, we simply watched each other while
hiding in our heads.
Dinner brought a few throwaway comments about how good the food
tasted then we returned to silence. After I ate and enjoyed the sensation
of a full stomach, I really looked at Judd.

Even knowing he was bad for me, I couldn't shake how beautiful he
was and how much I wanted to kiss him again. While he would discard
me in a way I might never recover from, I needed to know.
"We should have sex."
"We will," he said, giving me a grin. "Not the way you mean."
"Come again?"
"And again and again."
Rolling my eyes, I ignored his grin. "Do you want to go somewhere and
have sex?"
"Sex sounds too clinical." "Fuck then."
Judd frowned. "No, I fuck other women. I don't know what it would be
called with you. Sex sounds like how my mom whispers the word
though."
"So do you want to go somewhere?"
"No." "Why?"
"Because you're not looking at me like you did in the parking lot that
day. You're looking at me like this is an errand you need to run. The
Arby' s you need to get out of your system. I want you to look at me like
you did that day."
"I don't know how I looked at you."
"Don't expect me to imitate the facial expression. I only have three of
them and I' m not angry or coming. That only leaves the expression
you're looking at right now."
"You're too fucking precious with all your sweet talk."
Judd's eyes narrowed, but I saw him fighting a grin. "I don't sweet talk
or romance chicks. I just talk them up and let them know I want to fuck.
They either walk away or don't. It's not complicated. This here with you
is all kinds of complicated."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"Tell me you want me."
"I want to..." With sex and fuck off the table, I finished with, "be naked
with you."
"You're still not looking at me like you did that day."

"It's not that day anymore."
Judd' s gaze darkened. "I need you to look at me like that. If you don' t,
I' ll fuck you and use you like I use women. I need that damn look, but
you' re looking at me like I' m shit."
"You hurt me. Forgiving assholes is a loser move. I want to be stronger
than that."
"I want you to be stronger too, but you need to let me in because I need
to know."
"If I'm your Arby's?"
Judd sagged a little in the chair. "I feel like I'll never get what I want."
"Don't cry. You're a man, remember?" "And you're being a nasty
bitch." "Don't call me a bitch. Ever."
Judd grinned at my tone. "If you keep giving me that sexy look, I'm
excusing myself to deal with something in the bathroom."
"Ew."
"You get me riled up."
Again, I felt flustered by his comments because I really wanted him to
find me beautiful. No one except Farah ever said I was, but I needed for
Judd to see me that way. I might even think it about myself one day, if I
knew this was how he saw me.
Instead of admitting my feelings, I remained angry. "If you call me a
bitch again, I'll really think you're shit."
"Dad called you a bitch, didn't he?"
"Among other people."
Judd watched me with those sad blue eyes. "I don't want to be included
with the other people."
"Then, don't say it to me."
"Yes, ma'am," he said, giving me a lazy smile.
"I want to be treated with respect," I muttered, still irritated. "I've
noticed how Bailey and her mom walk around expecting people to treat
them with respect. They're respected even when Bailey does dumb
stuff."
"That's not respect, babe. That's fear."

"Maybe, but I'll settle for respect." "I respect you." "No, you don't."
"I view you different than I view most people. You have value where
most people don't and I don't respect most people. I figure that means I
respect you."
"I don't think it means respect."
"Whatever. You're pissy now."
"You called me a bitch."
"I know. I was right here when it happened."
At no point had Judd apologized for calling me a bitch. I knew this and
so did he.
Glaring at him, I looked around. "I need to go home."
Judd' s eyes held a cold indifference. Yet, I knew he was working
things out, so he might still get what he wanted. I had offered my body,
but he wanted my heart too. When I said no, he hurt me once again.
Screw him!
"I'll catch the bus," I said, standing up. "Thanks for dinner."
"What makes you think I'm paying for your half of the bill?" he
muttered, glancing up at me as I slid on my jacket.
Panic struck as I imagined how much I'd spent then I shrugged.
"Cooper will pay for it. I'll call him and explain what happened."
"Don't threaten me."
"Have a good night."
Leaving the restaurant, I hoped to outmaneuver Judd. The moment I
thought this, I knew I was being stupid. The man hunted criminals for
other criminals. He was a killer like Cooper said, so I wasn't
outmaneuvering shit.
Walking towards the bus stop down the street, I heard a snap of thunder
in the distance. More autumn storms were headed our way and I would
likely get stuck waiting in the rain for my bus transfer.
Judd pulled his black SUV next to the bus stop. Leaning over to open
the passenger door, he said, "I'm driving you home."
When a drop of rain splashed down on my nose, I sighed at how the
fucking weather was on Judd's side. Yet, he needed to be punished.

Even if he didn't, I wanted to be strong and he always made me weak.
However, there was nothing strong about throwing a fit and getting
soaked to make a point.
Climbing into the SUV, I shut the door. "I assume you know where I
live."
"You need a new place."
"I guess you don't need directions then."
Jaw twitching with irritation, Judd sighed. "This is happening."
"I offered the naked thing, but you're never satisfied."
"You don't want the naked thing," he said, a mocking tone to the last
two words. "Not the way you're offering. You need it to be special.
Some chicks can get off and walk away. You aren't one of them."
"I could be anyone I wanted, if I just worked hard enough."
"You know that's bullshit. People can't choose to be whatever they
want, but they believe the fairytale to give themselves false hope. You
are what and who you are."
"And what's that?"
"Damaged and desperate to find a place where you fit," he said and I
frowned at him. "You fit with me." "Is that a dick pussy thing?"
"You know what it is. If I only wanted to fuck you, I'd have agreed
earlier. I need this as much as you do."
Leaning away from him, I stared out the window as the storm broke
free. Judd watched me whenever we sat at lights, but I ignored him.
Depression crept around my thoughts as I remembered how he smiled
for me during our trip. How he carried me to bed when I had a
nightmare. How he never touched me, despite promising he would take
even if I didn't offer. Mostly, I remembered how I felt in his arms.
As much as I needed him, he had hurt me once and I knew he would
again. My heart was bruised from his last rejection. Yet, he needed
what he needed and tomorrow wasn't his concern. It was mine though.
Arriving at my apartment, I looked out at the dark evening. Everything
was murky through the heavy rains.
"Thanks for dinner," I said, reaching for the door handle.

Judd took my hand and watched me with pained eyes. "I don't accept
that."
Sighing, I leaned away from him. "I'm your Arby's."
"No, you're my McDonald's." When I frowned, Judd continued, "When
I was a kid, I obsessed about going to McDonald's. When I was there, I
loved every single moment of it. Driving away, I would already want to
go back. I never got tired of it, so if we're comparing my feelings for
you to a shitty fast food joint then you're my McDonald's."
Even oddly touched by his words, I pulled my hand away. "Maybe it'll
happen one day."
"Why not right fucking now?"
"You kept saying how you were a man and I needed to be a woman.
Not even a woman, but a strong woman. I'm not there yet, but one day."
"I said that to get rid of you."
"And you did get rid of me and we both know you meant it too."
"I lie to myself, Tawny. It's how I survive. I'm sure you lie to yourself
too. Hell, you're probably fucking lying to yourself when you tell me
no now. You want this."
"I'm not fucking you."
Judd erased the space between us and pressed me against the door.
"Don't you dare make this about fucking," he whispered in nearly a
growl. "Don't think I would beg over a fuck. I can get laid. This is
something else and it's why I hurt you. I'm not equipped for something
else. I'm not a man who knows how to do much more than fucking, but
I'm trying here. For you, I'm trying, but I can't do it alone."
Staring into his eyes, I saw the pain in his expression. When I said
nothing, he continued, "I'd go back and change things if I could, but
that just ain't happening. I was right to walk away and I'm wrong to be
here now, but my heart won't let me leave. I know you want me to
ignore it like you're ignoring yours, but I've never given my heart
anything it wanted before. I' m giving it this."
Finally finding my voice, I whispered, "My heart needs to be safe.
That's what it wants and it deserves that after getting hurt so much
before."

Pulling away, I left the SUV and walked through the rain to my
apartment. I knew Judd was following. Even with his soft catlike
movements and the pouring rain, I heard him behind me. Felt his gaze
on me too. Mostly, I sensed he was still working towards his goal.
Unlocking the door, I turned to tell him to leave. Judd was closer than I
thought and his hands touched my face gently. Kissing me, he was so
careful. As he fought to remain in control, his hands shook as his lips
left mine.
Searching my face, he stared at me in the dark wet night. "You still
aren' t looking at me like you did that day."
"Because that day I trusted you and believed in us. I don't feel that way
anymore."
"Please, Tawny," he whispered, barely audible over the snap of
thunder.
"I' m sorry, but whatever we had that day is gone. Even if I wanted to
try again, I can' t forget how you walked away as if I meant nothing.
Nothing you say can make you walking away okay. I would have
waited for you. Would have given you space. Would have given you
anything, but you ditched me like I was shit. My heart can't forgive
you."
Judd opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He needed me
to fix things, but I wasn't the one who ruined them. I really would have
waited. Months, years, whatever he needed because I truly thought he
was mine and was worth waiting for. No dates with guys like Ryan. No
wavering from my feelings. If he had told me not yet, instead of no, I
would have waited forever.
"Goodnight, Judd," I said, disappearing into the apartment.
Judd said nothing as I shut the door. I waited a few minutes, just
dripping on the ugly brown carpet before peeking out the curtains to
find him stuck in the same place, staring at where I'd been. A part of me
wanted to console him, but I couldn't handle him hurting me again. No
matter how much I tried to protect myself from his power, he weakened
my resolve with simply a look.
Leaving the front room, I walked into the bathroom. After my shower, I
dressed in a nightgown then found my slippers. Even with the storm
raging and the noisy neighbors on both sides, I somehow heard

Judd at the door. Just him moving slightly, not even knocking or
attempting to draw my attention.
Unwilling to think of him standing in the rain, I still peeked out the
curtains to find him sitting on the ground, against the door, soaking
wet. How long would he really wait before the rain grew too much?
While I shouldn't open the door, I did a crack.
Judd stood up and stared at me from under his sopping wet bangs.
Bracing his hands on either side of the door, he watched me and I
watched him. I was waiting, but he said nothing.
"You should go home," I finally said.
"My dad was into teenage girls," he said, over the storm's fury. "For
years, he seduced the lonely ones without dads or the ones with dads
who ignored them. He liked them younger and younger and eventually
he found one that was young enough for someone to notice. His luck
ran out when her real dad turned out to be a thug from Miami. I don' t
know what happened to him because I was hiding states away with my
mom and brother. My dad was a bastard, but it didn't end with him.
Judd took a breath like he could barely continue then he forced his
words out. "My brother is in prison for raping a thirteen year old. Kept
her for days and hurt her so bad she nearly died. He's doing twenty
years, but no doubt will hurt another girl when he gets out. It's in our
blood to hurt women. Every man in my family does. Not just young
girls, but wives and daughters. Hell, they even beat their mistresses."
Judd took a breath and stared at me with pained eyes. "I come from shit
stock, Tawny. The worst kind of shit and I never let myself get close to
a woman because one day I knew I would do what the other men in my
family do. I would hurt a woman because it's in me to do it. I should
never have a woman, but I need you. Fuck, that day in the parking lot
when you said those words and looked at me the way you did, I knew I
should run away and never talk to you again. Instead, I kissed you
because it was what I needed and I thought one kiss would make the
need go away. I was so fucking stupid. All I wanted when I kissed you
was to keep kissing you. I tried to think I could be better than I am.
Then, we got to your sister's place and I saw you looking like a broken
young girl and I knew I'd never be better. I'd destroy you and I was

fucking evil to even consider taking the chance. So I made you leave
me because I couldn't leave you."
Judd' s face was a mask of pain as if every wall he built over the years
came crashing down like the thunder around us. I saw the shame and
rage and need. Mostly, I saw the desire for something better than he
deserved. Every day, I woke up with the same desire.
"I should have stayed away. But I tasted you on my lips every fucking
day and I couldn't forget how you felt in my arms. It felt too damn
perfect and I wanted to feel it again. I needed you, but I stayed away.
Then, that day I saw you and I knew I was wasting time. Eventually, I
was coming back for you, so I was pissing away days, weeks, and
months for something I knew I wanted. Maybe it's too late though. It
should be too late because I made you think you're shit. I know I should
walk away, but I can't."
Fighting for control, Judd shoved his hands through his wet hair. "I
need you to let this happen because all my life has been about denying
myself and I'm good at it. I need nothing and I don't give myself what I
want often either. I like doing without because it keeps me strong, but I
can't be strong with you. Not anymore. I saw that ugly pain in your eyes
and knew I put it there. I stomped you down like your dad and a million
other fuckers did and I know you deserve better. I know that, but I got a
taste of something too good to walk away from and I never really did
walk away. Even driving away with you crying and hurting, I knew I
was coming back. I won't pretend I'm a good man or you can change
me. I' m the kind of man who hurt you before and the kind you should
run from, but I need you to let me close again, angel. I need it more than
I need to breathe."
Opening the door a little more, I stared into his eyes and tried to keep
my voice steady. "Do you promise not to hurt me again?"
"I could promise, but I'm not the kind of man who won't hurt you."
Sighing, I opened the door a little bit more. "Do you promise you'll try
not to hurt me?"
"Yes, angel."
Opening the door the rest of the way, I stepped back until he entered.
Once I shut the door, I studied his soaking wet jacket and the

heavy droplets falling from his hair.
Judd stared at me like he wanted everything and could barely control
himself. "You have that look again," he said as his lips found mine.
Pushing off his jacket, I let it drop to the ground as I stared up at him. "I
wanted you to be mine more than I've ever wanted anything."
Lifting my lips, I waited a mere second before he kissed me again and I
pressed my body against his.
When he pulled away his lips, he frowned. "I got your nightgown
wet."
Judd glanced around and took in the view of my apartment like he
hated everything about it. When he focused on me again, I had dropped
my nightgown next to his jacket. His gaze washed over me and I waited
to be rejected. Instead, he swallowed hard.
"I didn't tell you that about my family so you'd fuck me. That's not what
I want."
"You want to be close," I said, unbuttoning his shirt. "You need to feel
like you're someone else and maybe with me you can. I know when I' m
with you, I feel like I' m a different person."
Judd stared at me as if unsure. "I want you."
Smiling softly, I pushed his shirt off his shoulders and the wet material
plopped to the ground. I let my gaze enjoy the chest I had ached to
explore since the day he walked out of the shower with just a towel
wrapped around his waist. Now, I had my chance.
Running my fingers down his strong shoulders, I felt my breath coming
out faster. His skin felt so warm under my fingertips and my body
quickly responded as I caressed the dark hair on his hard chest. Judd
watched me like I was fascinating and my smile grew.
Over his chest was a tattoo of a heart punctured by a sword with the
name Zaria underneath. My fingers traced the inked skin as I looked up
at him.
"Lots of guys have 'Mom' on their chests," he explained. "I put my
mom's name instead."
"Why the heart with the blade in it?
Judd' s expression shifted ever so slightly. "She broke my heart

years ago and it never healed."
Staring into his eyes, I nodded. "My parents broke mine too. I want my
heart to have something new to heal it."
Judd showed no reaction, but I could nearly feel him struggling with his
needs versus his wants. He needed me to stay with him, but he wanted
to fuck. I learned as much when I knelt in front of him and kissed just
under his bellybutton as I undid his jeans. Judd kicked off his shoes and
I tugged down his pants. Soon, only a wildly unprepared pair of briefs
stood between me and what strained against the material. Grinning up
at him, I eased off the briefs and sighed at the sight of his arousal.
Judd kicked away the briefs then stood over me, breathing too fast as
his hands balled into fists. He wanted to fuck so badly, but I needed
more than to have a man thrusting inside me until he was satisfied.
Taking my eyes off his tense expression, I stared at his cock pressed
against his belly. So hard and thick, it enticed me to lick away a drop of
cum on the tip. Judd's breathing changed as he pulled me to my
feet.
Hands gripping my hair, he kissed me hard and stole my breath. I met
his hunger with my own, finally fearless after a lifetime of fear. My
body pressed against his, cradling his erection as I ran my nails down
his back. Judd's hands left my hair and cupped my butt, pulling me
even closer, wanting me right where we stood. Then, his lips left mine
and he stared into my eyes.
Hunger, raw and unbroken, looked back at me. He wanted to fuck me,
hard and fast until I couldn't move. Instead, he stepped back and licked
at his lips as I tasted him on mine.
Opening his mouth to speak, Judd said nothing as I took his hand and
pulled him towards the bed. My body needed nothing to prepare it for
what was next. Never could I have imagined being so aroused from
simply kissing.
As I leaned back, Judd pulled back. Watching him walk his fine nude
body back to his clothes, I panicked at the thought that he might reject
me again. Instead, Judd retrieved his jacket, fished around in the
pockets, and returned with a handful of condoms.
"Tell me you want this," he said in a rough voice. "A woman like

you that's been beaten down by life can't always say no. You need to
say yes, so I know you want this."
"Yes," I whispered, needing him inside me. "Yes, please, more than
anything I want this."
Judd exhaled hard and I saw something shift on his face. Moving
towards me, he tossed the condoms on the dresser except for one. I
watched him wide-eyed as I waited and hoped. Between my legs, the
flesh throbbed in anticipation. As if sensing as much, Judd's gaze
lowered to where my legs spread.
Leaning forward as he climbed on the bed, his lips met mine tenderly. I
sucked at his tongue, wanting everything because my dream might
come true.
Judd pressed two fingers inside me and I pushed down on them,
searching for pleasure. I whimpered when he removed them then
watched him suck the slickness from his fingers.
"Judd," I whispered and he smiled like I was magic.
"You look like an angel," he murmured, his eyes on me even as he
removed the condom from its wrapper.
Watching him roll it over his erection, I reached for his chest, teasing
his nipples. Judd groaned quietly then he was ready and I smiled. Judd
smiled too as he pressed me back on the bed.
Lips at my throat, he tasted gently, yet ended with a nip of his teeth. I
sighed as between my legs ached to be filled. Judd wanted to explore a
little first. While I ran my fingers through his wet hair, he sucked at my
nipple. Softly then a little bite that sent my hips looking for his.
"Judd, now, please."
"I love when you say my name," he whispered, kissing me.
My legs opened for him and he angled his cock between my swollen
wet lips. Unable to wait, I lifted my hips, searching for relief. I found it
as he opened me up with a soft push. A moment passed as I adjusted
then he pulled out an inch before thrusting deeper. Moaning, I held
onto his forearms and watched him thrust deeper and deeper.
I wanted him all and soon he pushed so deep the base of his cock
caressed my clit and I came hard. Crying out, I closed my eyes and

thrusted my hips upward for more. Judd filled me then left me just
enough to cause a panic before filling me again. Slowly, he pushed me
towards another orgasm and I smiled at him as I felt it coming.
"You're so beautiful," I murmured, gripping onto him as I came hard
again. "The most beautiful thing in the world."
As Judd stared at me, I knew his control was breaking. His thrusts were
faster, harder, almost desperate in their intensity. Holding on, I soaked
in the feel of him until he came.
Our bodies shook as the waves of pleasure lingered. When our eyes met
though, I knew there was a reason he dropped so many condoms on the
nightstand. I held his warm gaze and smiled.
"I want more," I told him, eliciting a grin.
As hours passed, I lost track of how many orgasms I enjoyed. Lost
track of everything except how his body moved inside mine. Again and
again, as if we were starving and finally found nourishment in each
other's arms. Long after exhaustion teased at the edges of my thoughts
and my body grew tender from our lovemaking, I still wanted
everything he would give me.
Despite Judd's past as a redneck fucker, he was unbearably careful with
me. I felt how many times he struggled to restrain the hunger I saw in
his eyes. He wanted to simply take, but never did because I was his
angel. Every time he came inside me, he whispered his pet name for me
and I felt a little more like someone else. Someone I didn't recognize,
but desperately needed to be.
Long after we had sated our needs, our bodies remained together,
teasing and testing. Propped up over me, Judd pulled his cock from me
then pressed achingly slow back inside. In and out, each time allowing
the head to tease my clit before he angled back into me. While the
pleasure built, I explored his chest. I'd had many fantasies about
touching the hard muscled frame.
On the right side of his stomach was a tattoo of a decorative cross with
a black snake curled around it. I suspected it signified evil tainting
grace. Was this how Judd viewed us? Was he the devil tempting naive
Adam and Eve? No matter his feelings, I was tainted long ago. Often I
felt ruined, but not with Judd. There were moments when I had no past

or future. No fear or shame. It was just me and my knight.

Chapter Fourteen
Judd wasn't sleeping very deep when I crawled out of bed. I didn't
blame him for being restless. Between the raging storm and my loud
neighbors, the apartment was loud.
Even with Judd next to me, I couldn't calm my growing panic. The
noise was too loud and I felt like people were watching me. Mostly, I
felt like the walls were closing in on me and I had to get away. Hiding
in the bathtub with the door locked, I pulled the curtain shut and tried to
push away the voices.
I heard them though. Not the neighbors, but the men from the motel.
The way they would play their radio loudly outside my room and knock
on the door. Tommy would tell me what he planned for me and how
flexible he hoped I was and how he would share me because he was a
nice guy like that. Hiding in the bathroom then too, I'd cover my ears
and pretend Farah was holding me and we were together and safe.
Even promising myself I was safe in Ellsberg, it was as if I was back in
the motel. Around the edges were also the memories of the biker gang.
How loud they would get in the evenings. How they would play their
music and drink until they were screaming and laughing at everything.
When they got so loud and drunk, they made me and Farah scream too.
Somewhere in my mind, I understood I was far away from them.
Despite knowing I was safe, I felt their eyes on me. They were
watching and laughing. Hiding my face in my lap, I struggled to find
my way out of the darkness and back to Judd. Instead, I was the ruined
girl returned to her dad and told I'd make a good whore.
Judd called my name through the door, but I didn't answer. I wanted so
badly to be someone else. I wanted to be beautiful and special. I wanted
to be able to look at myself in the mirror without shame. I wanted it all,
but I was just fooling myself. Just because Farah made her dreams
come true didn't mean I would. Farah was always special, but I never
was and nothing had changed.
The pop of the door busting in startled me, yet I kept my face hidden as
Judd pushed aside the shower curtain. His hand caressed the

back of my head then he whispered my name again. Wanting to ignore
him, I felt like I'd ruined our first time by being ruined before he ever
met me.
Hearing something like panic or hurt in his voice, I didn't ignore him.
He thought I was angry with him or he had done something wrong
when in fact he did everything right. Our first time was only beautiful
because of him. I was the ruined thing, but he couldn't see past his own
self-hatred.
Lifting my face, I sighed. "It's so loud."
"Why didn't you wake me if you were scared?"
Shaking my head, I just stared at the wall until a bang from next door
sent me an inch off the ground. I turned to Judd and wanted him to
understand because I knew he didn't. His gaze revealed only pain as he
recalled our every moment together.
Softly, I wrapped my fingers around his neck and brought him closer.
"When I was younger, men hurt me." I whispered and Judd tensed.
"They would watch when they were hurting me and I feel like they' re
watching me now." Releasing him, I stared into his eyes and added,
"It's not you that' s scaring me."
Judd sighed. "I want you to get dressed and pack up extra clothes
because yours will get soaked. We're going to my place."
"I don't want to go outside," I said, crying. "They're out there waiting."
Judd' s jaw tensed. "Remember in the hotel when I told you what would
happen if someone came looking for you?" When I nodded, he
continued, "I'll kill anyone who comes near my angel. Do you
understand?"
"I know it's stupid, but I feel their eyes on me."
"It's not stupid. My place is in a quiet building and you'll feel safer
there. Can you get up?"
Nodding, I stood with his help and followed him out of the bathroom.
Quickly dressed, I still felt like someone was watching and laughing.
The bikers laughed a lot when they made fun of my body. My big knees
and bony legs and flat ass. They didn't think my breasts were

sexy. They called them fat milk jugs. I would stand there and cry and
they'd laugh more. I could hear them laughing as I followed Judd from
the apartment.
His arm around me, Judd carried my bags in the hand next to my
shoulder. His free hand held a gun and I looked at it every time I felt the
panic building.
Smelling of Judd's cologne, the SUV felt safe. He turned on a CD and
Bob Seger sounded right for my dark mood. Feeling the filthy gazes of
the horrible men on me, I knew they wanted to laugh at me again. I felt
so sexy when I was with Judd, but that was gone now. I was ugly and
couldn't forget their cruel words.
"Do you know what post traumatic stress is?" Judd asked as we waited
at a light.
"Soldiers get that."
Judd nodded. "Victims of crime do too. My mom has it. Even after
years of therapy, she gets in these moods where she can't be touched
and needs to be alone. She'll spend days in her place with her little dogs
and her knitting and won't talk to anyone."
"Your dad hurt her?"
"Yeah, and she broke free eventually, but in her heart, she's still his
prisoner sometimes. She can't ever truly be free, but most days, she's
happy. When she's not happy though, it's bad."
"I know those men were sick fucks and I shouldn't care what they said,
but I feel like they're here again. I feel like I'm back there and..."
Judd spoke when I didn't finish. "You need to feel safe. I've got real
quiet neighbors. Lots of retired people. It'll settle you down until you
feel more like yourself. Pearl will help too."
"Who?"
Judd gave me a little grin. "You'll see. She's going to be crazy about
you."
Soaked from the rain, I began to chatter and Judd shoved the arm rest
back so he could wrap me against him. Even smiling at his gesture, I
was tired and scared.
My teeth were still chattering when we reached his underground
parking lot. Judd's arm remained around me as we walked to the
elevator

where he used a security code to get the doors to open. Closing my
eyes, I leaned against him as we headed up to the third floor. Soon, we
made our way to his corner apartment.
The minute we entered, I relaxed because this was Judd's sanctuary. He
admitted as much as we walked down the short hall to an open kitchen
family room layout.
"I rarely have people in my place. I hate it really. My mom and Vaughn
come around. The Johansson brothers on occasion. Their dad a few
times. Otherwise, I don't want people in my place."
The tone he used told me how seriously Judd felt about having a place
to himself. Yet, he brought me.
I smiled up at him. "It's very manly in here."
Judd gave me a grin then dropped my bag on a kitchen stool.
"I've never shared a bed with a woman," he said, taking off my wet
jacket. "No, once I got wasted and crashed at the place of the chick I
fucked. As soon as I was conscious, I got outta there. I don't like
sharing a bed."
Feeling something at my leg, I flinched away until I saw a fluffy white
cat. "You have a cat," I said, stating the obvious.
"That's Pearl," Judd explained, leaving me to kneel down and pet the
cat that immediately purred.
Judd walked to the kitchen and found us something to drink. "She's my
neighbor's cat really. When Helen went in for surgery, she was looking
for someone to watch Pearl because she thought boarding the cat would
be too upsetting. I didn't want to do it, but my neighbors were all smart
enough to claim allergies. I still wanted to say no, but Helen looked up
at me with her big eyes and what the fuck could I do?"
Grinning at him, I sat with Pearl who climbed into my lap.
"Babe, why don't you get out of those wet clothes and sit on a
couch?"
"What happened to Helen?"
Judd shrugged as he placed the two beers on a coffee table. "She had
complications and ended up in a nursing home. I couldn't take Pearl to
the shelter. That was too fucked up and my mom's dogs don't like cats.
So I kept her."

Judd pulled me to my feet and lifted my damp shirt over my head. Once
he removed his shirt, I noticed him lick his lips as his eyes focused on
my nipples dark against the damp bra.
"You're soaked through," he murmured, playing with the straps.
Suddenly, he frowned and lifted his gaze to mine. "You were upset
a n d . "
"I' m not special like you think," I told him, feeling ugly under the
beautiful gaze he gave me. "You think you're a bad guy and I'm too
good for you, but I' m a filthy whore."
Judd moved so quickly that I flinched. "Don't you fucking say those
words. Do you understand?" Staring at him, I remained silent and he
sighed. "Why the fuck would you say that about yourself?"
"I want you right now," I muttered. "Even scared, I want to go in your
room and feel you inside me. I'm a natural whore."
"Because you want me?"
Shaking my head, I shrugged. "With those men, I didn't want it and I
was scared, b u t . "
Lowering my gaze, I wished I could be someone else. I wanted to
forget, yet I was me and no amount of lies would change this fact.
"You came," he whispered, staring at me.
Nodding, I began to cry. "How did you know? Is it that obvious what I
am?"
Judd cupped my face. "You're so fucked up in your head. How can you
not know how damaged you are?" "I know."
Judd tugged me to the couch where I sat in my damp clothes. He held
my hand tenderly then wiped away a tear falling down my cheek.
"Sometimes, I fuck a chick and she goes wild five seconds in.
Sometimes, I fuck a chick and she never comes at all. I don't do
anything different because I just want to get off. Do you get what I'm
saying?"
I shook my head.
"Some women are just more sensitive and they get riled up without any
help from me. Other women need a lot of help. You're more sensitive,
babe. I didn't fuck you great that first time. Maybe not any of the times,
but you came hard for me. Your body is sensitive to touch like

some chicks ain't. That doesn't make you a whore. What those fuckers
did to you doesn't make you a whore either."
Staring at where Pearl cuddled on my lap, I sighed. "Farah never did.
Those men would bitch about how she was a lousy lay, just staring and
crying the whole time. When my dad came to pay the men and get us
back, the head one who hurt Farah so much, he said that the next time
my dad was low on cash, he shouldn't run around like a chicken with
his head cut off. He should just put me on the streets because I was a
natural whore."
With his walls up, Judd hid his rage well. Even with hints of it around
his eyes, he remained calm. As his cool exterior soothed me, my tears
ended, only wetness on my face now.
"There was this little girl who was abused by her evil fuck of a father.
The tweeker worked for Kirk and he was skimming off the top.
Stealing from the Johanssons is an easy way to die. This guy was
messing with his kid when we got there. Vaughn about tore his head
off, but I stopped him because we needed info. Anyway, this fucker
said the girl liked it. She asked for it all the time because it felt good.
Maybe she did, but she was a kid and didn't know any better. Her body
wasn't meant for that, but evil men will make excuses for their evil.
Those fuckers who hurt you are evil, but they wanted to think they were
right. No one likes being evil. Every one of them that I've held a gun to
has bullshit me in the way they bullshit themselves. Doesn't change
how it's bullshit though, Tawny. Some part of you knows how you and
that little girl and those girls my dad seduced never wanted what
happened to them. Your body doesn't need to be on the same page as
your head and
heart."
Still holding my hand, Judd stared at me. "You need to understand that
because I see this look in your eyes like you don't want to see tomorrow
and you need to fucking see tomorrow. Your sister needs you and I do
too. I can't have just a taste of something so damn good then lose it.
You'll destroy us by leaving, so you need to see past your pain. The
truth is you came for those bastards because your body wasn't yours.
You were young, right?"
When I nodded, he continued, "Kids don't know shit about their

bodies. They can't control the reactions. Your sister wasn't trying not to
come anymore than you were trying to. It's not you or her. Those
bastards knew that too, but they bullshit with their lies because no one
wants to be the villain in their own life story."
Sighing, I pet Pearl as Judd caressed my cheek. "It was different with
me, wasn't it?"
"With you, it was beautiful and perfect."
When Judd gave me a little smile, I saw a hint of insecurity behind the
tough guy exterior.
"Thank you for telling me about your dad and brother," I said, pushing
my hair behind my ears. "I needed to understand why you would walk
away from me. I wanted you to have a good reason, so I could trust you.
I know you didn't want to tell me, but I'm glad you did."
"I worried you'd never look at me like you did that day. Yet, maybe
telling you would make you never look at me like that again too. I didn'
t want you to know what I am."
"You never raped a girl."
"No, but I'm not a good man. I was sent to get you because people
might need killing. Your dad or those fuckers at the motel. That's why
they sent me and not just any errand boy. You can't forget I'm a man
with blood on my hands."
Running my thumb over his bottom lips, I smiled softly. "The world is
ugly and it's torn me apart. More than anything else, I want to feel safe.
With you, I do. I also feel like you're mine."
Judd glanced around the room then back at me. When his gaze focused
on my face, his anger was obvious.
"You're so damn beautiful, Tawny. I hate that you won't look in the
mirror and see what I see. What your sister and everyone else sees.
Instead, you only see those fuckers' lies."
"I can't look. I saw something and I hated it. I don't want to remember
the way I looked. Ever. I want to forget."
Judd sighed. "One day, you'll see what I see."
Giving him a little smile, I scooted closer. "I really do think you're
beautiful. I'd never wanted anyone to touch me after what happened. I
used to like hugs and stuff, but I didn't want anyone except Farah

touching me after that. I never wanted a boyfriend. The very thought
grossed me out, but with you, I immediately wanted to be close. With
you, it's different and I really want to be different."
Judd shared my smile. "We need to get you in warm clothes."
"Can we take the beers to your room and get warm in there?"
Exhaling softly, Judd looked conflicted. "You should rest."
Gently, I moved Pearl off of my lap then stood. I undressed and tossed
my wet clothes into the sink. Returning, I found Judd with that hungry
look in his eyes.
"I need help relaxing. I also want to feel different again," I said,
wiggling my butt at him. "A beer and your naked body might help.
Could take awhile though."
Judd glanced at Pearl who stared at him. "Can't say no to that, can
I?"
Pearl turned away and ignored him. I turned away too and walked into
his bedroom. Clean and organized, it almost looked like no one lived in
the room.
Walking up behind me, Judd skimmed his fingers down my spine
before cupping the ass I had shaken for him. "You're tidy," I said.
"No, my maid is. Kathy comes every other day. You don't really think I
clean up after Pearl, do you?"
"Good thing you're so damn beautiful or else your laziness would be a
turnoff."
Judd disappeared into the bathroom to strip and I waited on the bed
with my beer. When he returned, I nearly dropped my drink. The
lighting in his room was so much better than in mine and the view was
very impressive.
"Holy hell, Judd," I whispered, staring straight at the erection waiting
for me.
Grinning, he opened up a drawer next to the bed and fished around for a
few seconds before finding more condoms. "Let's break in this bed,
angel."
Setting down my drink, I opened my arms for him and met his needy
kiss with my own. Our chilled bodies soon heated as he sucked

and nibbled at my neck and chest. I raked his scalp softly until his
erection teased me. Glancing down, I sighed.
"I want to be someone else."
"I just want you to be you," he whispered.
"Either way, I need you."
Wrapping me in his arms, Judd kissed me like he wanted to make me
forget about every moment before this one. It worked too and my mind
only knew Judd as he filled me. Again, I had no past, instead only the
now with him in my arms.

Chapter Fifteen
Waking up next to Judd, I smiled at the sight of him sleeping so
soundly. All of the tension hiding behind his walls was gone, leaving
behind only serenity. He looked almost childlike in his relaxed state,
yet my thoughts weren't innocent as I let my gaze roll over his
uncovered body.
On his forearm was the new tattoo Aaron mentioned. A stunning dark
haired angel with her eyes closed, I wondered if it could really be me
that Judd thought of when he designed her. There was something so sad
about the angel and I forced myself to look away from her face.
My gaze admired his other tats then moved south to a part of him that
brought me such pleasure the night before. Even relaxed, his cock
looked thick and intimidating. Admiring it, I had an urge to wake him
with a smile on his face. Yet, the clock read only seven and Judd said
once he didn't appreciate waking up before eight unless someone had
died.
Slipping out of bed, I cleaned up in the bathroom then found a shirt and
panties from my bag. Pearl followed me out onto the balcony
overlooking a wooded ravine.
Since that first day when he saved me, I often found myself wondering
about Judd's life. Where he lived and what did with his time? Was he
with a woman? I was curious about every little thing, so being in his
home was exciting.
His condo wasn't heavily furnished. Just a few pieces, but they were all
high quality. A dark leather chair and couch, a large flat screen, and a
black coffee table filled the decent-sized living room. The only other
furniture was a cat tree and cubbies. Otherwise, the room was bare.
His bedroom was the same way with an expensive bed and a small
dresser with matching nightstands. Judd paid good money for quality
furnishings, but the place didn't feel like a home. It felt comfortable
though.
In the kitchen, I fiddled with the coffee maker. Stainless steel, it
matched the microwave, stove, and fridge. In a cabinet, I found a can of
coffee and filters. Glancing through the rest of the cabinets, I realized

Judd must not eat in very often because most of the kitchen was bare.
As the coffee perked, I returned to the balcony and admired the view. I
pictured Judd sitting on the black metal furniture, drinking a beer, and
watching the sun set. Even afraid he might wake up disinterested, I
allowed myself to imagine us sitting together in the evening with Pearl
on my lap. We could be happy together. I knew in my heart that if he
just gave us a real chance, we could fix the scars holding us both back.
Soon, I poured two cups of coffee. Knowing he took his black, I found
a small container of sugar and wondered if Judd kept it around for his
mom. Judd was still asleep when I returned to his room with the coffee.
He rested on his back with the sheets down around his ankles.
The clock read eight, so I decided to wake him up the best way I knew
how. Stripping off the shirt and panties, I crawled onto his bed and
kissed his stomach. A light lick along each nipple changed his
breathing, but his eyes remained closed. I slowly ran my nails down his
chest, through the dark hair and along hard muscles until I reached his
waist with the tattoo of the snake wrapped around a cross. Kissing the
marked flesh, I let my hair stroke his skin as I settled over his cock.
Grinning, I thought about the commercial about how many licks it took
to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop. Now, I wondered how many licks
it would take to wake my sleeping knight.
The answer was six. Cupping his balls helped too.
Waking slowly, Judd frowned down at me as I stroked him with my
tongue and hands.
"Tawny," he muttered, seeming surprised.
"Good morning. I made coffee." I said, licking him again.
Judd sighed then glanced at the coffees. When his gaze returned to me,
he sighed again.
"Don't do that," he said, gesturing with two fingers for me to come
closer.
Frowning, I crawled up to him where he kissed me softly. "You
brushed your teeth."
"I used your toothpaste, not the toothbrush. I respect boundaries."
When Judd only frowned, I felt awkward. "Do you want me to leave?"
"You know I don't."

"I really don't know that."
"I've just never had a chick around in the morning and I'm not sure how
this is supposed to work."
"I hope you're not asking me." Judd grinned. "Let me clean up." "I'll
wait here."
"Don't get dressed," he said, grinning wider now as he disappeared into
the bathroom. I heard the water running then he returned as I sipped the
coffee.
Staring at his erection, I sighed. "You look really good in the morning."
Judd leaned down and kissed me softly. After sucking at my bottom lip,
he looked at the coffees. "You made coffee."
"Yeah. It's not a big deal. I know how you like it." "You do know how I
like it," he said in a naughty tone. Nodding, I kept my eyes glued to his
hard cock. Judd finally lifted my chin, so I would look up. "I'm up here,
angel."
Laughing, I looked back at the erection and shook my head. "You can't
wave that thing at me and not expect a reaction."
"Oh, really," Judd said, teasing my nipples.
"Huh?" I murmured, soaking in the affection.
As soon as Judd settled against the headboard, I straddled him.
"You're so perfect," I mumbled, caressing his flawless chest.
"Everything on you is perfect."
My gaze meeting Judd's, I wondered why he was with me. I'd seen a lot
of incredibly beautiful women in Ellsberg. Women that Judd could
look at forever and never lose interest.
"You can't know," Judd whispered, cupping my breasts, "because you
don't look in the mirror."
"I know what I look like."
"You only see the lies from years ago. I see who you really are." Judd
slid my hard nipples between his fingers and squeezed, causing me to
moan loudly. I reached for him, but he stopped me until

he' d rolled a condom over his erection. Glancing at the nightstand, I
thought we'd need more condoms soon. At least, if I had anything to
say about it.
Hands cupping my breasts again and squeezing at my nipples with his
rough fingers, Judd sighed when I lowered myself over his cock. I
kissed him hard as a dozen thrusts brought me to an orgasm.
"You feel so good," I moaned.
"You can't know how great you feel when your pussy tightens around
me like that. I' m surprised I last five seconds with you."
Lifting my hips, I let them fall in a smooth rhythm as I caressed his
face. The growth on his cheeks aroused me and I felt another orgasm
building.
Judd let go of one breast and licked two of his fingers. Pressing the
damp fingers between my legs, he must have known he found my clit
by how loudly I cried out.
"Gorgeous," he sighed, still studying me. "I love the look on your face
when you come."
Remembering that look, I started returning to the ugly time with the
bikers until Judd kissed me hard. When he pulled his lips away, he
stared into my eyes.
"Stay right here with me," Judd said. "I'm the one who matters."
"Yes," I whispered, smiling as his hands caressed my butt and guided
me to the speed he needed to climax. "I'm right here with my
knight."
Judd' s expression softening, he almost looked sad. In that moment, he
was recalling all the dirty deeds in his past. So many reasons, he wasn't
good enough for me.
"Stay right here with me," I said, holding his face gently even as my
hips moved faster and harder at his direction. "I never wanted anyone
before you, Judd. I know what I need now."
"Do you, angel?" he asked softly as he gave into all the need.
As the last waves of pleasure still lingered, Judd licked those rough
fingers and teased me just right again. It took so little before I was
whimpering against him in mind numbing bliss.
"I think my first morning with a chick in my bed went well," he

said with his arms wrapped around me as I caught my breath.
Nuzzling his chest with my lips, I smiled up at him. "Best morning
ever, Judd the Stud."

Chapter Sixteen
There were days when I felt like I belonged in Ellsberg and the place
was familiar and welcoming. Driving with Judd to breakfast, I
imagined Farah and Cooper preparing for school. They'd be damp from
their shared shower after a morning of making way too much noise to
have people in the house. Breakfast in their pretty kitchen, they would
half study, half flirt. Sometimes, they wouldn't get out of the door
without a quickie. There was something happy about them and I never
thought I'd find it with anyone. Now, I had Judd.
Yet, he wouldn't look at me the whole drive. Even when I stared at him
or ran my fingers through his damp hair, Judd refused to acknowledge
me except for a little smile. I suspected he worried about seeming soft
in front of the guys.
Breakfast wasn't at Denny's or a place I expected, but Tequila Jodi.
Judd swore the bar food was really good especially the biscuits. I was
excited to see the way Judd lived. Later, we planned to shop for
groceries. After I'd drop mine at my place, we'd head back to Judd's for
the night. The day sounded perfect, so I wasn't letting breakfast at a
biker bar ruined things.
The place was pretty full when we arrived, but Judd had a table
reserved. Something about this fact gave me the giggles. Even though
Judd frowned at me, he wasn't selling his irritation well. His blue eyes
were too warm and those walls were mostly down. So open to me, Judd
was irresistible.
Judd ordered biscuits and gravy, coffee and orange juice, plus a
Danish. Ordering the same, I wanted to eat what he ate, drink what he
drank, and go wherever he went.
Waiting for our food, Judd gave a head gesture towards someone
entering the bar and I turned to find a blond man with a hard handsome
face. His angry face eased when he saw me then he gave us a tight
smile.
"That's Outlaw," Judd said quietly, sipping his coffee. "He's the one
who did your mom."
Returning my gaze to Outlaw, I imagined his face as the last one my
mother saw before her life was snuffed out. She didn't deserve that

face. She deserved something ugly, but this guy was handsome. His
shoulder length blond hair was pulled into a ponytail. He looked mean,
but like with Judd, some of it was for show. A mask of hostility
protected these men from anyone who might be dumb enough to
challenge them.
"Why does everyone call him Outlaw?"
Judd scratched at his stubbled cheek and shrugged. "Doesn't matter.
Just thought you'd want to know who took care of the bitch."
Glancing again at Vaughn, I decided to change the subject. "Aaron
sketched up a tattoo design for me. We'll start on it soon, but he thinks I
can't handle all the pain in one sitting, so he's breaking it into parts."
"What's the tattoo of and where will it be?" he asked, glancing over my
breasts.
"A fallen angel and it won't be on my boobs, Judd."
Laughing at my tone, he didn't seem to hear the first part. I saw when
the words registered.
"Why fallen?" he asked, his gaze harder now.
Holding his gaze, I refused to back down. "You know."
"Fuck you for thinking that makes you fallen."
"Fuck you for thinking you know what I am."
Judd suddenly laughed. "What?"
Grudgingly, I smiled. "Whatever. You're irritating me."
"Where's the tat going to be? Something around your heart shaped ass
maybe?"
"Heart shaped?"
Judd wiggled his eyebrows at me. "I love that damn ass of yours. Shit,
this morning when you walked over to get your clothes, I about jizzed
myself."
"Yummy. Best breakfast conversation ever."
"You're telling me," he said, licking his lips and I suspected his jeans
were snug.
"Stop. You're going to get me all worked up around these..."
Glancing around, I suddenly panicked. As if the now faded and I was
falling back into the past, the noise was too much and all of those men
looked too familiar. Aroused in a room full of bikers sent me over

the edge into terror.
"What?" Judd asked, taking a gulp of his orange juice.
Leaning forward, I whispered, "The men who hurt me were bikers."
Judd was holding the glass when I said the words. I hadn't finished the
word bikers when the drink shattered in his hand. Startled, I jumped
back.
"Fuck!" Judd hollered, standing up and looking ready to hit someone.
"I'm sorry," I said instinctually. "I didn't mean it."
Judd frowned at me and I knew by his expression he saw my fear.
"Dude, calm the fuck down," Vaughn said, standing next to us
now.
Judd glanced at his juice covered hands. When he looked up, he sighed.
"Watch her while I clean up."
Vaughn said nothing as Judd disappeared into the restroom. Watching
him go, I felt like I should just leave. I was scared with everyone staring
at me.
"Come sit at my booth," Vaughn said, gesturing to a booth in the
corner. "Judd doesn't like booths. Something about needing to stretch
out his legs or some shit. He'll have to deal though since he crapped all
over the table."
"Thank you," I mumbled, following him to the booth and sitting down.
"What the fuck was that about?" Vaughn said, standing over me. "I
pissed him off."
Dark blue eyes flicking to the restroom, Vaughn reached back and
scratched at his shoulder. "All I know is when Judd came back from
Texas, he was all hollowed out. Like a ghost, I guess. This morning
before his bitch fit, he looked alive again. Whatever you said or did,
can't be that big a deal compared to the shit mood he's been in lately."
Glancing at the restroom, I wanted to go back to before I said the
words. My honesty ruined our happy morning.
"You can't take it personally," Vaughn added when I just stared at the
restroom. "You know how moody Judd is. Always crying and

bitching about something. A freaking drama queen." Grinning, I
looked up at him. "Thank you." "Men like us aren't used to pretty girls
looking at them like you look at Judd. He's not sure what to do with you
and you're just gonna have to be patient while he figures shit out."
"Okay," I said, studied him. Whereas Judd hid a deep sorrow and iced
heart behind his walls, I sensed Vaughn concealed a barely contained
rage. He smiled easily enough, but it was a ruse. Just like Judd who
acted like the world didn't touch him, Vaughn faked his exterior to
avoid showing anything to the world.
"Why do they call you Outlaw?" I asked.
Vaughn sighed. "Because it's nicer than calling me dead man walking."
"I don't understand."
"You don't need to, darlin. The drama queen returns." When Judd
appeared next to me, his expression was unreadable while kissing me
softly. When he pulled away, his gaze flickered to Vaughn.
"Thanks."
"You are so premenstrual sometimes."
Grinning, Judd sat down across from me then glanced at Vaughn.
"Fuck off."
Vaughn leaned his hip against the side of the booth and sized me up.
"What is it about the Smith sisters that makes otherwise strong men
lose their balls?"
"I have no idea and I'm out of sisters, so I guess you're out of
luck."
"Thank the Lord too. I like my balls attached." Laughing, I looked at
Judd who grinned at me before glancing up at Vaughn. "Go away."
"Fuck you," Vaughn laughed. "This is my booth." "Yeah, well, I need
time alone with my woman. You can go sit at the counter with the old
timers. Share war stories about all the pussy you've hit."
Vaughn rolled his eyes. "Nice manners, shithead."

"Thanks again for the help, asshole."
I smiled as Vaughn walked way. As soon as he was out of earshot, Judd
looked at me and sighed. "I'm sorry."
"I shouldn't have told you."
"Fuck no. You should never hide shit to make me happy. It's j u s t . "
Judd paused and studied me for a moment. "Everything about me must
remind you of them. My tats, the Harleys, every fucking thing. I
already knew I was an asshole to be with you, but when you told me
that, it was like more evidence that this was a mistake."
"So you're breaking up with me?" I asked, a cold panic in my gut.
"Fuck no," he said, giving me a little smile. "I am an asshole and I want
you. I can taste you on my lips and feel you against me. I still remember
how damn perfect it was waking up with you this morning. I should
have hated having someone in my place, but it felt right. I know I'm
kidding myself and wasting your time, but I'm too selfish to let you
go."
"Good."
Judd smiled. "I'm not a man you should depend on."
"Last night when I was feeling like a loser and hating myself, you
helped pull me back. No one besides Farah and Bailey has ever done
that. Usually people ignore me when I'm feeling bad or they make it
worse. You didn't walk away, Judd. You made me see the light when I
was suffocating in the dark."
"Any man would do that shit."
"You think Ryan would? He wasn't a bad guy, but he would have told
me to call someone or see a therapist or something that didn't involve
him having to stick around. You faced the darkness with me."
"I still remember the look in your eyes that said you weren't sure living
another day was worth it. That look scared the shit out of me and I'm
worried I'll fuck up and make you look like that again. I'm not a good
man, but I can't be the monster that destroys you."
"Vaughn is right. You are a drama queen," I teased and Judd grinned
slightly. "I'm eating now. No more talk of you being an asshole and me
as your victim. Happy thoughts for the rest of breakfast."

Judd glanced at Vaughn who frowned at the guy on the stool next to
him. Clearly, Outlaw didn't like his bar buddy. Judd must have noticed
this too because he laughed quietly.
"So is he like your BFF?" I asked once I'd finished eating every bite of
food.
"I guess. We're not so different, but we're different enough from the
others. He's got my back when I need it covered. I guess that makes
us BFFs."
"This is the first time I've ever had real friends besides Farah. It's nice
to know I won't move and they won't forget me. I mean, I guess, they
could stop liking me, but I hope they won't."
"Bailey looks at you like Pearl looks at me when I give her that canned
food. She's not a sweet kid, but she likes you and that means
something."
"I tell her like it is."
"Like you tell me."
"Yep, so no more trying to run away from me, Judd. Just give in and let
me have my way with you."
Laughing, Judd studied me like he was picturing me naked. My skin
warmed and I slid under the table and up on his side of the booth.
"Hello," I murmured as he frowned at me. "I don't want these big strong
biker boys and girls thinking you've gone soft because you're having all
of these feelings for me."
"What does. ?"
Kissing him, I cradled his head against me and straddled his lap. Judd
immediately wrapped me against him and I wished we were alone, so
the erection in his jeans wouldn't go to waste.
When our lips parted, he sighed. "I love those eyes, angel. When they
look at me, I feel like anything is possible."
I started to grin until I heard laughing and sensed we were on display.
Glancing at them, I tightened my grip on Judd as if to say, "So what?
He's mine. Suck it."
Judd though wasn't interested in their laughter. He glared hard at them
and literally growled like a dog. While I giggled at the sound, the men
shut up and moved away.

When Vaughn saw this display, he yelled out, "Whipped is a good look
on you, brother."
"I'm packing, Outlaw. Don't make me pull it out."
At the same moment, Judd, Vaughn, and I thought of the same thing
and started laughing.
"Yeah, don't pull it out here, baby," I said, giggling. "I'm the only one
who should be looking at it."
Judd leaned his head back and sighed. "It's not my fault, you know. All
of the blood left my brain the minute you sat on my lap."
"Poor bastard," I whispered in his ear as I nibbled on the lobe. "Is there
anywhere private we can take the SUV between here and the grocery
store? I'm feeling fuzzy in the head myself."
Cupping my face, Judd kissed me like we might just strip down right
there. His lips owned me for the next few minutes then he slowly
softened the kiss until his lips were no longer attached to mine.
"I can think of a place."
I gave him a little grin then slid off his lap. "I'm going to clean up then
we can go."
"I'll just watch that sweet ass of yours say goodbye."
"Oh, those words make me swoon, Judd. Really," I murmured, walking
away.
After a trip to the toilet and a quick glance at my teeth, I considered
forcing myself to look in the mirror and see what Judd did. Chickening
out, I left the restroom to find Vaughn leaning against the booth and
teasing Judd. I assumed he was teasing only because Judd rolled his
eyes then flipped off a laughing Vaughn.
"Aw, here is the owner of your sac," Vaughn announced when I
appeared. "Take good care of it, darlin. Judd lives a dangerous life and
balls are occasionally necessary."
"He can sign them out for special occasions."
Vaughn laughed again even as Judd put on his grumpy face. He wasn't
selling it though and I sensed he was more irritated at having to move
around with an erection in those tight blue jeans.
Soon, we were parked in a quiet spot behind a closed auto shop and his
snug jeans were shoved down his thighs. I could barely remove my

clothes fast enough. Tearing off my shirt and shoving down my bra, I
craved him inside me. Wanting all of Judd, I moaned with satisfaction
as he thrusted deep into me. For a moment, we simply watched each
other then he smiled and I couldn't wait any longer.
As the wind swayed the SUV, I rocked along with it. Judd relaxed as I
grinded against him. His gaze was soft as he pulled at my nipples,
teasing them in a lazy way like he was simply curious with his new
toys.
No matter his leisurely affection, I orgasmed again and again like I had
been saving them up all through breakfast. By the time Judd's
movements lost their leisurely tempo and he groaned deep his chest
while coming hard, I was out of breath and laughing like a crazy
person. In Judd' s arms, the world felt like a beautiful amazing place
and I was its queen. I could do anything and be anyone as long as I was
with my knight.
Resting my cheek against his shoulder, I caught my breath as he
softened inside me.
"Twenty four hours ago," Judd said in a gentle voice, "you thought I
was shit and I wondered if I would ever see you smile at me again.
Now, I' m balls deep inside you where anyone can see. How the hell did
we end up here?"
Lifting my face from his chest, I frowned. "You really are a drama
queen, Judd. Shit, we can't even have a quickie in the car without you
going emo on me."
Judd gave me a half grin then sighed. "I was only hoping for a smile last
night. Now, I feel like I don't deserve everything I've been handed."
"Maybe you don't, but twenty four hours ago, I was going on a date
with some random guy to help me forget about how much I wanted
you. Twenty four hours ago, I thought my heart would hurt forever and
I'd settle for anything just to ease the pain. Now, I've got you balls deep
inside me. Seems to me like the last twenty four hours have been pretty
fucking awesome."
"Fuck ya, they have, angel. Hell, at this rate, we'll need more
condoms."
Grinning, I slid off his lap and next to him in the backseat. Pulling

my jeans back up, I glanced quickly as he hid the part of his body I had
enjoyed so much.
"You've got it bad," Judd teased. "I'm starting to feel like a piece of
meat."
Laughing, I leaned against him. "You're so damn gorgeous and I'm so
fucking shallow. What can I tell you?"
As I adjusted in the backseat, so my cheek rested against his chest, Judd
wrapped me in his arms.
"I' m safe, you know," I said, glancing up at him. "When I got to town,
Farah took me to the doctor and had me checked out. I'm clean and on
birth control."
"Don't say clean," Judd muttered. "I hate when you talk about yourself
like that."
"I just mean I'm disease free. We got lucky back when that stuff
happened. My dad took us to a clinic afterwards and got us tested.
Those guys weren't the sort to use condoms."
"Well, I am, but that doesn't mean shit. I've been with a lot of women
and I' m careful because I never wanted kids or to have my dick rot off.
Careful doesn't mean safe though," Judd said then sighed. "When I saw
you that day and decided I was getting a second chance even if I had to
beg like a bitch, I also knew I should get checked out. Bad enough I
was going to chase you even if I knew I shouldn't. If I caught you, I
didn't want to get you sick. Since I haven't heard back yet, I'm trying to
be safe here."
"Uh, I licked you last night."
"Shit, Tawny, stop talking about that stuff or else I'm putting you back
on my lap."
Grinning, I sighed. "What's it like to have your balls under my control?
Does it make you sad?"
Judd smirked. "Vaughn is getting his ass kicked for starting with
the ball shit."
"I like him." When Judd frowned, I grinned at the possessive glare in
his eyes. "I'm not done with you yet, stud, so don't get so pissy."
A grin lingered around his lips as he kissed my forehead. "He's a good
guy, but I doubt he'll make it to thirty."

"How come?"
"He pissed off the wrong people. Eventually, that decision will get him
a bullet to the head. Well, that's if he's lucky. If they get the drop on
him, Vaughn will wish he died quick."
"What did he do?"
"Doesn't matter. Shit gets done in the heat of the moment and we have
to live with those decisions. Like with me hurting you that day. I made
a decision and I fucked up. Then, I saw you and made another decision
and fucked up again. We can only roll with our fuckups."
"Very Yoda there."
"I try," he said, brushing hair from my face. "You look tired."
"Stomach's full and I came so hard I forget my name. That's the kind of
stuff that makes a girl sleepy."
"Well," Judd nearly whispered, "how about we go pick up some things
at the store then head back to my place?"
"I need stuff too."
"Fine, we'll drop your stuff off at that shithole you call an apartment.
Then, we'll crash at my place."
"Wanna take a nap? Cooper and Farah do it all the time." A lazy grin lit
up Judd's face and I rolled my eyes. "Napping isn't code."
"I don't nap, babe. I wouldn't mind hanging out at home while you
napped though. I wasn't planning on doing anything today besides
watching some crap on DVR."
Staring up at him, I felt strangely nervous to say the words. Finally, I
forced them out. "Can I sleep over tonight?"
Judd gave me another lazy grin. "Where else would you sleep,
angel?"

Chapter Seventeen
Judd and I didn' t rest for a good hour after we returned to his place. By
the time I dozed off on his comfy bed, every part of my body was in a
state of bliss. Dreaming of nothing important, I avoided nightmares and
ugly memories. My dreams were just mindless thoughts about wiping
tables and petting Pearl.
Rolling around in bed, I refused to wake up, certain I hadn't slept for
very long. The clock didn't agree with my assessment
"Shit," I muttered, realizing most of the day was gone.
A shirtless Judd appeared at the bedroom door and leaned against the
frame. His faded blue eyes studied me then a smile slowly lit up his
handsome face.
"Your nipples miss me."
Covering my chest, I rolled my eyes. "I'm just cold." "No, you're not,"
he murmured, popping the button on his jeans. "You were really tired,
babe." "I'm sorry."
Judd shook his head as he kicked off his jeans. "You were dead to the
world. I even cuddled with you for a little bit, but you never woke up.
Trust me that I gave you plenty of incentive too."
Grinning, I glanced at his erection and sighed. "I'm fucked out. Sorry,
lover."
"You've got that look on your face," Judd said, crawling onto the bed
towards me as I pretended to be disinterested. "The look that says you
need me to fill you and make you say my name as you come."
"If you want me saying your name, you'll need to fuck me softer. I
came so hard the last few times, I was lucky to remember how to
speak."
Judd laughed deeply then his lips were on mine. "You looked so
peaceful," he whispered as he leaned over me and nibbled at my neck.
"Like the weight of the world was lifted off you. I loved seeing you like
that."
Murmuring, he raked his teeth over my shoulder and down to my
nipple. Tugging at the hard flesh, he glanced up at me.
"I missed you," he said in a strange voice. "You were feet away

from me, but I managed to miss you. What the fuck is happening to
me?"
"I've seduced you good and hard, Judd the Stud. You're mine now."
Grinning, he licked at my other nipple. "Clinic called and I' m as safe as
my angel. Afterward we celebrate this fact, let's order food and play
cards. I borrowed a pack from my neighbor Oliver. The old bastard
would live at the casinos if he could."
"Talk less, suck more," I moaned and he pulled at one nipple with his
fingers while licking the other. "Yes, thank you."
Judd teased my nipples with his teeth then after a quick lick to his
fingers, he caressed my clit and I was crying out his name just as he
requested.
Before I had even stopped murmuring about his amazing talents, he
spread my legs and leaned into me. A few good hard thrusts, teasing my
clit just right and I was so loud he covered my mouth. Laughing, Judd
kissed my face as I worked through the orgasm.
"You're going to scare the shit out of my neighbor Verna. She survived
four hundred years and you'll kill her from coming so loud."
When I could concentrate, I laughed as Judd propped himself over
me.
"Are you ready for more fun, angel?"
Grabbing a pillow, I held it close to my face. "I'll buffer the noise."
Laughing again, Judd started moving and I moaned through my
giggles. Our laughter ended after my third orgasm when hours of Judd's
anticipation hit a fever pitch. The way he watched me as he moved
closer to climax made me blush. Yet, his expression after he climaxed
nearly brought me to tears.
So beautiful and open to me in that moment, Judd showed me a lifetime
of disappointment and suffering. I saw a man who lived simply because
he didn't want to die. Yet, in the abyss of sorrow, I witnessed a newly lit
glimmer of hope.
After a sexy soapy shower, we sat in the living room across from each
other while I shuffled the cards. I still saw hints of what Judd usually
hid from the world. With so much of the real man hidden behind his
cold exterior now revealed to me, I knew I loved him. I just prayed

he could love me one day too.
"What?" he asked, sitting in jeans with his bare feet brushing against
mine on the table.
"I'm just happy."
Judd started to smile, but then something switched off and the hints of
the real man were gone. Walls returning, I watched him close himself
off from me. Even hurt to lose that warmth in his eyes, I would be
patient. He was mine and I would wait for him to be as ready for me as
I was for him.
We played three hands before the Chinese food arrived. Watching All
of Me on cable while eating, I cuddled next to him on the couch. As
soon as the movie was over, he moved back to his side of the table.
"Let's play strip poker."
"Not yet, horny boy. I should call Farah first," I said, reaching for my
bag. "She might be worried."
"You gonna do that girl talk stuff?"
"Gotta give her my report card on your naked talents."
Judd rolled his eyes, but I saw him grin as I disappeared into the
bedroom. On my phone were several messages from Farah and each
one sounded more worried. Even unsure how to explain the shift in my
relationship with Judd, I dialed her number.
Farah answered on the second ring, sounding like she was occupied. I
appreciated how she stopped messing around with Cooper to take my
call.
"I've been calling you," she said, panicked and flustered. I suspected
the flustered part was related to the sound of Cooper's lips on her skin.
"I know. It's been weird and I wasn't ready to explain."
"What's weird? Are you alright? How did your date go? Coop asked
around and the neighbors said you weren't home all night. Where are
you?"
"I'm at Judd's place."
Silence met me then Farah asked, "Did you sleep over there?" "Yes.
We had sex and it was really good." "Are you okay?"

"I didn't cry. Not during sex anyway, but I got panicky afterwards. I
told him what happened," I said, pausing to gain my courage. "Not
everything, but enough. I told him how they watched when the others
were hurting us and I told him I was panicked because I felt exposed at
my apartment. I felt like all the noise was people trying to get to me. I
thought he would think I was crazy or stupid, but he didn't. He brought
me here and he still wanted me. When I started feeling bad or dirty or
whatever, he took care of me."
Farah said nothing for a few long minutes and I knew she didn't like
talking about what happened. She thought if she didn't talk about it that
somehow the memories would fade and disappear. I also thought her
dreams of a better life kept her from having to remember so much, but I
had nothing to distract me from that week. It was all I remembered
some days, but I worried she wouldn't like me talking about it now.
"He's your Cooper," she said finally. "He understands."
Shuddering with relief, I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "I
love him," I whispered. "I haven't told him. I don't think he's ready for
that, but I do love him. He's mine and I feel different and better and
beautiful when I' m with him. I want to feel that way so bad, Farah."
"I know," she whispered back and I heard Cooper's sucking noises stop.
I sensed Farah was crying. I was crying a little too.
"I feel ugly a lot," I told her. "Bad too. You know that, don't you? How
I hate myself most of the time."
"I do know," Farah whimpered.
"Not with Judd though. When I start to feel that way, he finds a way to
help me. He's not sure about us though. My age and his job, they make
him nervous, but he wants me and I don't want to let him go."
"I just don't understand," she said, calming herself, probably with
Cooper's help. "You went on that date then ended up with Judd?"
I heard Cooper grunt something then Farah shushed him.
"Judd showed up and ruined my date. He was acting so rude and I was
mad at him, but he talked to me in a way that helped me forgive him. I
really wanted to forgive him too. I missed him so much and I had to
give him a chance. I had to know because he might be the only amazing
thing I ever get in life besides you."

Farah said nothing as Cooper whispered something. They had a mini
conversation before she sighed. "Coop wants you to come to lunch
tomorrow at the Johansson place. It's a barbecue and all of the club
guys will be there."
"Okay."
"He wants you to bring Judd."
Cooper jumped in by adding, "I insist you bring him."
"Why?"
"He wants to throw around his weight like he's your dad, I guess,"
Farah teased and Cooper responded by making her giggle. Likely he
was tickling her, but Farah got away from him and her voice softened.
"I'm glad you gave him a chance," she told me. "I felt like you were lost
and needed something I couldn't give you. I think Judd is that
something."
"I hope so. I feel so much better with him. I think I make him feel better
too. That's how Cooper makes you feel, right?"
"Exactly," she said and I heard the affection in her voice. "He's my
perfect guy. Judd is yours."
"The guy isn't good enough," Cooper muttered loud enough to be
heard.
"Will he be nice to Judd?" I asked.
"Probably not, but I'm sure Judd can handle him."
"I'll act as a human shield if necessary," I said, grinning.
"Cooper really is a pussy when it comes to girls," Farah teased and I
heard Cooper laughing. "You come and have a nice lunch with the
family. I want to see you happy, Tawny."
"I love you, Farah. I just couldn't stay there and hold you back."
"You weren't."
"Maybe, but I felt like I was. I needed to be on my own and find pride in
myself. It's not about you. I love you and you're my best friend. I just
needed to be happy with me."
"You've done a great job. You gave Judd another chance and sound
happy."
"I am and we'll see you tomorrow for the barbecue."
Hanging up and returning to the living room, I found Judd on the
balcony in the cold. He turned when I touched his back. For a single

moment, he was someone else. Those faded blue eyes were colder than
anything I' d ever seen before. He truly terrified me because those were
the eyes of a man who would kill me without a second thought.
"It's too cold out here for you," he whispered, reaching for my
face.
I fought the urge to flinch as he stared at me with those eyes. "Do you
still want me to stay here tonight?"
Judd blinked a few times then glanced out at the ravine. When he
returned his gaze to me, those eyes broke my heart. So much pain and
fear in a single glance.
"Do you want to stay the night?"
Even believing he was looking for an out, I told the truth. "Yes. I don' t
want to leave you."
A few seconds passed as Judd showed me nothing then a smile slowly
warmed his face. "I was hoping you'd say that."
"Why do you look sad?" I asked, finally finding the courage.
"Good shit doesn't last for me, Tawny. I never let myself get used to
anything nice, but I really want to get used to you."
Lunging forward, I wrapped my arms around his waist. "The world is
ugly except with you. In your arms, I see everything different and it's
beautiful and I never want it to go away. It scares me to see things that
way, but it scares me more to I'll lose that feeling."
Judd cupped my face and sighed. "It's too much, too soon. I want more
though. I don't know how to feel or what to do because I didn't think
you'd forgive me last night. I didn't think you'd let me close again and I
never guessed you let me as close as you have. I'm all fucked up inside,
but I'm glad you're staying."
Smiling at him, I lifted on my tippy-toes and kissed him softly. He just
watched me.
"Oh, we're having lunch at the Johansson's place tomorrow. Cooper's
order."
"Terrific."
"Don't go drama llama on me," I teased. "Not when we have strip poker
on the agenda."
Judd gave me a little grin, but he seemed farther away now.

Returning to the living room, I shuffled the cards while he brought us a
few beers. Pearl jumped up next to me and got comfortable.
"She's a smart cat," Judd said. "When she came to live here, she was
always climbing on me and I would shove her off. Soon, she sat near
me and I left her alone. She figured out what I could deal with and
adjusted."
"Are you hinting I should do the same thing?" I asked, lifting an
eyebrow.
Judd sat across from me and grinned. "I have three pieces of clothing.
You have four. I guess we'll have to consider your bra and panties as
one."
Dropping the cards on the table, I stood and slid off my bra while
keeping my shirt on. Judd watched and leaned back like his jeans were
snug.
"I could have used a flash of something," he said, grinning. "Little nip
slip would be nice."
"Spring break!" I cried, yanking up my shirt and giving him a peek
before returning to the chair.
"Arrested Development," Judd said, after adjusting on the couch.
"Yeah."
"My angel has good taste."
"My knight is making me super horny."
Exhaling hard, Judd shook his head. "Let's skip the cards and have you
come over here now."
"Only if you strip for me," I said, licking my bottom lip. "Real slow too.
I want to enjoy a show."
Laughing, Judd stood up, yanked off his jeans, and tossed them aside.
Once he sat back down, he wiggled a finger for me to join him.
"Lame," I said, standing up and slowly raising my shirt over my head
before turning to hide my breasts. "I wanted a show, stud. Something I
would pay money for."
Wiggling out my jeans and panties, I shook my ass at him. When I
glanced back to find him staring with such need, I nearly lost my
confidence. How could I ever keep a man like him interested? Pushing
aside those concerns, I stepped around the table. While Judd reached
for

me, I didn't straddle him. Instead, I knelt between his legs and stroked
his thighs.
"Tawny," he whispered, desperate for relief.
"I' m here," I murmured, taking his cock into my hand and licking the
wet tip. "I want to play."
Judd just stared, his fingers gripping the couch as I kissed his thick
erection. Soft, hungry kisses as I learned every inch of him until my
hand stroked his cock and my lips tasted his balls. Breathing heavily
now, he gently moved aside my long hair so he could watch me.
A little part of me panicked when his fingers touched my hair. I
remembered how rough those bikers were when they used my hair to
guide me until I was chocking and crying. Judd though was tender,
instead of commanding. His gaze was so beautiful that I became
aroused without him even touching me.
Soon, I slid a hand between my legs and stroked my clit. Never would I
touch myself before because orgasms made me a dirty whore. They
were bad, but with Judd, I could embrace my needs without feeling
guilty.
Sucking him into my mouth and stroking him with one hand, I caressed
myself softly. Whenever I felt shame building inside me, I lifted my
gaze to Judd' s face and remembered he was mine.
It didn' t take long before I felt the pleasure explode and I whimpered as
the waves of heat rushed over me. Catching my breath, I still stroked
Judd. When I regained control of myself, I looked up and found him
watching me in the strangest way.
"I' m sorry," I said automatically, afraid he was upset.
Leaning forward, Judd lifted me off the ground and onto his lap. "You
looked so amazing," he whispered in my ear while pressing his cock
into me. "So fragile too. So fucking young that I seem evil for being
with you."
Staring into his eyes, I felt a mixture of panic and pleasure. Our bodies
just moved without us thinking, working together to find relief.
Mentally though, Judd and I were in a bad place. In his eyes, I saw his
need to run away from his feelings again.
"You make me feel beautiful," I said, caressing his face as my hips

worked rhythmically. "I hate myself with everyone else, but not with
you. I'd never touched myself like that before because I felt dirty to
want to orgasm. With you, I feel sexy and strong. It can't be evil to feel
free of all of that ugliness."
Judd cupped my face and stared sadly into my eyes. "I'm not nearly
good enough for you."
"You make me happy. If I deserve to be happy, you can't push me
away."
"You deserve everything, angel," he whispered, kissing me hard as I
orgasmed and brought him along with me.
Settling against him, I whispered, "I don't want to leave, but I know
you' re used to having space."
Judd wrapped his arms around me and stroked the back of my hair as I
rested my cheek against his shoulder.
"I should feel suffocated having you here for so long. I've never had
anyone sleep over except for one night with a wasted Vaughn. He woke
up, we had breakfast, and he went home. Even that got on my nerves. I
should hate having you here, but it feels easy and right. I want you to
stay."
Lifting my head, I smiled. "I don't see you the way you see yourself. I
see a man I want, not a man I should fear." "How about on the
balcony?"
I shrugged. "You're complicated. It's why you don't think I'm broken.
You don't, do you?"
"I think you're all kinds of damaged. Battered, but unbroken,
babe."
Softly, I sucked on his bottom lip then nuzzled his cheek.
"I know you took a nap," he said as I wiggled my hips upon feeling him
hardening inside me. "You might not be tired, but I'd like to go to the
bedroom."
"More room," I muttered, finding a rhythm.
"Hold on," he said, pushing himself up and walking with me attached
to him into the bedroom. He lowered me gently onto the bed and never
left my body. "Much more room."
Grinning, I stroked his arms, over the tattoos and muscles. "Today

has been fucking perfect, Judd. You can't know how perfect."
"Oh, I know. I've been counting my blessings since the moment I woke
up with you next to me."
I wanted to say something beautiful or romantic, but he was thrusting
hard into me and the pressure was unbearably perfect. All I could do
was pray I kept the noise down, so we didn't kill poor Verna.

Chapter Eighteen
Riding on the back of Judd's ivory colored Harley, I felt a weird
darkness clouding my mood. Our morning together had been
wonderful, yet I was nervous about visiting the Johansson's place.
Unsure how many people would be at the barbecue, I worried someone
might make fun of me. Even knowing I was being ridiculous, I was in a
bad mood when we parked in the massive driveway where dozens of
Harleys were lined up.
"What's the problem, babe?" Judd asked, climbing off the bike and
caressing my cheek.
"I feel underdressed. I look trashy."
Glancing over my jeans, gray sweater, beige jacket, and tennis shoes,
Judd frowned. "We're visiting the Johanssons, not the Rockefellers."
Crossing my arms, I felt dirty like I needed a shower. I felt hideous and
unworthy of every good thing in my life.
Judd leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine. "You know who's
inside? Your big sis surrounded by loud stinky bikers. They're burping
and stinking up the place and she's all alone, waiting for someone to
save her."
Grinning slightly, I still felt grumpy. Yet, Judd tugged me closer until I
smiled up at him.
"After we do this family crap where Cooper acts like I should give a
shit what he thinks, we'll go back to my place and try out the hot tub.
We might have to share it with one of my elderly neighbors. If it's
Morty, he won't mind a little show."
Laughing, I sighed. "I don't know why I get so pissy sometimes."
Judd looked ready to answer then changed his mind. "Everyone gets
pissy sometimes, babe. I almost did once too."
"Almost?"
"This close," he said, showing me his fingers. "It was so fucking close,
but turned out, I was just hungry. Maybe that's your problem?"
"Maybe."
"Let's get you fed then."

Judd took my hand and led me into the house where people wandered
around with paper plates full of food. Judd barely acknowledged the
greetings we received. The only person he stopped to talk with was
Kirk who looked like an older, rougher, scarier version of Cooper. The
head of the organization gave me a tight smile while Jodi hugged me
tightly as if I'd done something amazing and the hug was my reward.
The men didn't waste time with chitchat and Judd was back on the
move through the crowd of people. Soon, we reached the kitchen where
Farah stood with Cooper, Maddy, and Tucker.
My sister looked gorgeous in a green turtleneck and black jeans. Her
dark hair was wavy and long around her shoulders and Cooper was
playing with a lock of it. Seeing her so happy and confident, I felt like I
was interrupting her fun. The dark mood swelling up in my gut, I tried
backing away from Farah, but Judd nudged me forward.
Once Farah noticed me, her eyes lit up. Suddenly, my dark mood felt
stupid. I gave her a hug and held on, even after Cooper stepped up to
Judd to do his big brother thing.
"I told you to stay away from her."
"So?"
"So, it was an order."
Judd frowned. "Do you have a point, Cooper?" "You shouldn't be
dating Tawny." "Too late."
Laughing nearby, Tucker was likely on beer five. "Love is in the
air."
Maddy laughed in a way that told me she knew Tucker was on beer
five. "You're so romantic."
Bailey appeared in the kitchen to fake barf. After a deep breath to calm
her irritation, she fake smiled. "I mean, love is great and shit. Hey,
Tawny, want to play in my room?"
"Yes," Cooper said. "You girls should go and do girl stuff. I want to
talk to Judd alone."
"Human shield time," I announced, letting go of Farah and sliding
between the men. "Hi, Coop."
"Hello, Tawny. I told you to stay away Judd."

"I forgot. Sorry. Anything else?"
Cooper glared at Judd who looked bored. Finally, the younger man
shrugged. "Well, if you're hooked up, nothing I can do now. Just don't
fuck it up, O'Keefe."
"Sure, boss. Thanks for the romantic advice."
Cooper grinned. "You should listen to me, man. After all, I've got a
way with the ladies."
When Judd said nothing, I realized he wasn't even looking at Cooper.
Everyone followed his gaze until we realized he was glaring at Mac.
Tucker laughed for the simple reason that he was hammered. Maddy
rubbed his face and they started making out.
Bailey rolled her eyes. "What did Mac do? Should I kick his ass?"
Cooper patted his sister. "You could so take him too, midget."
Nuzzling Judd, I ignored Cooper tugging my shirt as if to separate me
from my man.
"I never liked him even a little bit."
"You touched his arm."
Bailey stepped closer and slapped Cooper's hand off me. "Judd, the
only way to make things right is to cut off Mac's arm and feed it to our
dogs."
"Sounds about right," Judd muttered, still glaring at Mac who moved
around the large packed family room as if trying to dodge the eyes on
him.
"Bailey," I whispered, giving her the look.
"What I meant was that Tawny is all kinds of loyal and shit, so cutting
off Mac's arm, while fun, isn't necessary. Trust your woman."
"I do trust her," Judd muttered. "I still want to stab Mac's face."
"Yeah, that takes me back," Cooper said, grinning at Farah who
frowned. Rolling his eyes, he sighed. "Trust your woman. You know,
what the dipshit said."
"Don't call her a dipshit," I told Cooper who glared down at me. "I' m
not having a staring contest with you."
"Cause you'd lose."
"Farah," I said and she wrapped her arms around Cooper who sighed.

Seeing a way to fix my other problem, I hugged Judd to me. As he
looked down and grinned, I murmured, "Pay attention to me."
Exhaling hard, Judd caressed my face. "Sorry, but that guy had your
fingers on him. I feel like I should make an example of him, but I won't.
That wouldn't be nice."
Bailey leaned in and whispered, "Are you training him too?"
"I' m training everyone," I whispered back.
Laughing, Bailey still put on a little frown. "I want a man to
cuddle."
Tucker stopped kissing Maddy long enough to look at Bailey.
"Everyone needs love. Even the dipshit. I'll find someone for you."
Tucker looked around. "How high are your standards?"
Bailey opened her mouth and I knew a tirade of profanity was coming.
Before she got started, I hugged her to me.
"Tuck wants to help you. It's his asshole way of showing his love. Tell
him thank you and we'll train him to be less of a jerk."
Bailey took a deep breath and nodded. "Thank you, Tucker."
A sober Tucker might have teased his sister, but the drunken version
hugged her and told her that he would find someone great. Hot, big
dick, money, nice hair, the whole package.
Cooper frowned at both me and Farah. "You two are having an adverse
influence on the family. Fucking Sawyer said thank you earlier today.
What' s next? Will she say please?"
Grinning, Farah cuddled up to Cooper. I should have felt happy too.
Instead, my mood shifted fast and I felt out of place. Judd watched me
then he leaned over and said something to Farah. My sister's smile
faded as she took my hand and pulled me away from the kitchen.
I glanced back at Judd and Cooper who watched us go. Bailey just
fought to free herself from Tucker's continuing brotherly hug. Nearby,
Maddy found the struggle so hilarious that she had to sit down from
laughing so hard.
Farah led me to a small bedroom where she shut the door. We sat on the
bed and she studied me.
"You're having one of those bad days."
Nodding, I fought the urge to cry. "I don't know why either. I woke

up happy. Judd had been great and I have what I want, but I feel down."
"Changes are hard and you've had a lot of changes lately."
"I feel like I' m being ungrateful and all the good stuff will go away."
"That's not how stuff works."
"I don't really deserve to be happy though."
Farah pulled me to the headboard and had me lean my head against her
chest. Like a child seeking comfort from their mother, I rested in her
embrace as she caressed my head.
"You were always such a good kid," she said. "So quiet, you never
asked for anything. You were sweet, but our family just ignores people
like that."
"None of my teachers ever thought I was special like Mrs. Prescott
thought you were."
"Because I clung to Mrs. Prescott and you never clung to anyone
except me. I was always wanting things, but you never did. You sat in
class and disappeared. You did the same thing at home. That doesn't
make you bad. It makes you quiet. Why would being quiet mean you
don' t deserve to be happy?"
"I don't know."
"The last few days were crazy, but I'm happy you have Judd."
Nodding, I nuzzled her and smiled. "I really enjoy being with him. It's
comfortable like we've always known each other. I know that sounds
stupid."
"No, it doesn't. You found your Cooper. I fought my feelings for Coop,
but you're not wasting time with Judd. That makes you smart, Tawny."
I sighed. "Why do I feel so bad?"
"I don't know. I think some people just have darker moods than others.
It's not your fault."
"Do you think Judd could love me one day?"
"He might love you even now, but Coop said Judd doesn't get close to
people. He got close to you though. That's because you're special to
him."
"I want to be his Farah."

Laughing quietly, she stroked my head for another five minutes. We
often cuddled when life was ugly and the warmth of our embrace made
the world bearable. Soon, my dark mood faded until I felt more like
myself.
Sitting up, I smiled. "I'm staying at Judd's again tonight. He doesn't
usually have people at his place, but he brought me there and he doesn't
want me to leave yet."
Farah brushed my hair behind my ears and kissed my cheek. "I want
you to feel proud of yourself. Judd isn't an easy man and a lot of girls
wouldn't have given him another chance. They would have been too
afraid. I know I would have, but you took a chance. You were brave
and you should remember that when the dark feeling comes back."
Sliding off the bed, we glanced at the closed door. "It gets loud with the
Johanssons, but we're safe here."
Proving the loud part, the party exploded with laughter and hollering.
We walked out to the family room where a few guys were wrestling on
the ground. Apparently, the winner got a date with Bailey. Soon, Judd
and Cooper appeared to take us to separate quiet areas.
"Feel better, angel?" Judd asked as we ate barbecued ribs on a back
deck away from the others.
"Yes, thank you. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes."
Again, Judd looked ready to say something then decided against it.
Instead, he just shrugged. "Let's clock in another half hour at this thing
then head back to my place. I've never enjoyed a beautiful girl in a hot
tub before. I really should check that off my bucket list."
"Hell yeah, you should. Wait, is that sanitary?"
"Babe, our biggest concern will be the audience."
Laughing, I thought about Judd's neighbors. The few who saw us in the
hall were already treating me like part of the building. I was Judd's girl,
they said, introducing me to their friends. The women looked so happy
for the good looking young man to finally find someone special. Judd
just stared like he wasn't listening, but I knew he had a soft spot for the
older ladies in the buildings. He wasn't quite the cold jerk he showed to
the world. That was how he ended up with Pearl after all.

Chapter Nineteen
As per our new routine, Judd would pick me up after my shift and we'd
spend the night together. We'd only been dating for a week, but I
quickly grew to anticipate his face appearing as my shift came to an
end. When it was time for me to leave work on Tuesday though, Judd
didn't appear. Instead, it was one of Cooper's guys.
"You want to ride in my truck or have me follow your busses home?"
Pete asked, scratching at his shaved head.
"Where's Judd?"
"Didn't he tell ya? He left town on a job. Don't know when he'll be
back. Don't know nothing about what he's doin'. Just know I gotta make
sure you get home safe. Cooper's orders. Let's go."
I chose to have Pete follow my busses home because he was irritating
me and I knew it would irritate him to waste nearly forty minutes
behind my busses. I didn't even wave at him when I arrived at my place.
Why pretend I wasn't disappointed that Judd hadn't come to get me? Or
hurt by how he hadn't texted or called?
"He probably had to leave fast," Farah said on the phone when I whined
to her. "Cooper has some kind of issues, but he won't really tell me
what. I just know someone is messing with the business and he needed
Judd to look into it. Vaughn went too, so it must be somewhere nearby.
I got the impression Vaughn couldn't travel out of the immediate
Johansson territory."
"I'll text him and let him know I miss him. Maybe he'll call when he
gets where he's going?"
"I'm sure he will," Farah said full of conviction.
Farah's certainty didn'tpan out.
Judd didn' t call or text that evening or the next morning. I spent the
next day pretending like my mind wasn't forever on my phone. When
Farah and I had lunch, I smiled, but my heart hurt more and more.
Every hour without word from Judd pushed me into a darker mood.
By the third day, I had a pit of depression in my gut and it was
spreading. I didn't understand why he hadn't contacted me when I knew
he had sent word to Cooper? Why would Judd ignore me?

"Men suck. It's their balls," Bailey said, driving Lark and me to a frat
party that evening. "I think some kind of toxin is released from their sac
and it makes them fucking stupid and mean. Can't be helped, I guess."
Lark grinned at Bailey's comment, but I knew how tender Judd could
be. How concerned with my happiness he was when he cared. Did he
not care anymore?
"Perk up, Tawny," Bailey added as we parked in front of a huge yellow
house with Brad Paisley blaring from the open windows. "You can be
my wingchick and help me find a guy to hump." "Romance is your
middle name." Bailey snorted. "Romance is for suckers."
"I would love to find a guy to romance me," Lark said, climbing out of
the SUV. "Man, it's cold. Why would they have the windows
open?"
"Frat guys are dumber than regular guys. More toxins in the balls, I
guess."
Finally, I laughed because Bailey was totally serious about the toxic
testicles thing. "What's the plan?"
"I want to try that new nicer shit to see if I can land me a man." "And
I'm supposed to do what?"
"Remind me not to smack anyone or talk about toxic balls. You know,
keep me soft and cuddly."
Laughing, Lark and I followed Bailey into the crowded party. Instantly,
people moved out of Bailey's way and we reached the keg without
issue.
Bailey offered Lark and me cups of beer. "You look sad. Drunk might
help. I get happier when I' m drunk." "I' m a moody drunk," Lark said.
"Thanks for the warning!" Bailey yelled over the loud music. "If you
need a hug, I'm your girl. I'm all kinds of sensitive now."
Lark grinned, but I doubted she would hug Bailey. Even the pixy girl
knew better. "I can't drink because I told my stepdad and brother I was
studying. Coming home liquored up will ruin my lie."
"Designated drivers provide a vital thing to drunks. You're vital,"

Bailey said, patting Lark's shoulder before downing a cup of beer.
Four beers later, I learned I was a moody drunk. All of the pain from
Judd' s silence had been shoved deep inside me where I might control
it. The alcohol broke it loose and I accepted he had dumped me. Silence
was how a man like Judd handled a breakup. He wouldn't share his
feelings. He certainly wasn't letting me down with cruel words. Cooper
might kick his ass. No, he'd just go silent and hope I got the point. Well,
I had.
By the time the party was winding down as people hooked up and
disappeared, I felt depressed. Lark looked bored by her attempt at a
wild night out. Unable to be a moody drunk, she held Bailey's keys
while our leader danced around as if living in her own private party.
"Guys are complicated," Lark said to me as we stood against a wall and
watched a wasted Bailey dance with no one. "They have lots of
feelings, but they pretend like they don't. When those feelings get all
twisted up, they don't cry or whine to their friends. They get quiet.
Sometimes, they freak out about unrelated shit. Judd might be having a
PMS moment and silence is how he handles it." "I think he doesn't want
me anymore." "You shouldn't assume with men." "Guys blow girls off
like that all the time."
"Yeah, but I don't think Judd is a normal guy. I think he would tell you
if things were over."
"What are you basing that advice on?"
Giving me her sweet smile, Lark shrugged. "Honestly, I'm making shit
up as I go along because you look like you're about to cry."
"I never told him, but I love Judd. I thought he might love me too. Now,
he's gone."
Lark wrapped an arm around me and started to speak until Bailey's
startled voice interrupted us. A huge football player had her pinned
against the wall and she was yelling for him to back off. Instead, he
crowded her more while playing with her blonde hair. "Hey!" I yelled
as Lark and I rushed over.
Six four and wide shouldered, the guy was wasted and angry at the
interruption. "Fuck off, bitches," he muttered.

Bailey clawed at his neck, but he had her pinned in a weird way, so she
couldn't get any leverage.
While I was ready to jump on him in a weak attempt to save my friend,
someone shoved the football player off Bailey. I hadn't even seen the
guy appear, but he stood between Bailey and the pissed jerk.
"Fuck off, man," the asshole said. "She's mine."
"Nick," Bailey mumbled, looking ready to cry. "He humped my leg.
Crush his skull, will ya?"
Nick frowned at Bailey who was leaning on him now. The football
player was an inch or two bigger than Nick and outweighed him by
probably fifty pounds. Feeling the fight would be short, the asshole
reached for Bailey's arm and Nick nailed the guy in the face. To my
shock, the giant asshole collapsed on the ground.
"My hero," Bailey said, looking ready to puke. She caressed Nick's
biceps and asked, "Do you work out?"
Running his hands through his dark wavy hair, Nick laughed. "You're
so wasted."
"And you're like the Energizer Bunny," she cooed. "My bro said you
took a punch, yet kept on ticking."
Nick started to speak then heard the asshole's friends riled up. I was too
drunk to know if everything happened really quickly or if my brain just
took awhile to catch up.
The guys rushed Nick who dodged most of them and hit another. The
room emptied out except for Nick, the guys, and us. I grabbed a beer
bottle and threw it at one of the guys shoving Nick.
When the bottle hit him in the back, the bastard glared at me. "You
want to fight, bitch?"
"Leave her alone," Nick said, kicking one guy into the jerk looking to
hit me.
As impressive as Nick was against six guys, he was just one guy
against six. A losing bet, he took a shot to the face then the gut. Lark
grabbed a folding chair and went WWE on one guy. I was tossing beers
in the roundabout direction of the other guys. Yet, Bailey was the one
who ended the fight by pulling out a gun.
"Back the fuck off or I'll burn this motherfucking house to the

ground!" she screamed then fired at a lamp. Everyone stopped and
stared at her. When she noticed me wide-eyed, Bailey frowned. "Too
much?"
Grinning, I followed Lark to the door. Nick followed us while the
assholes seemed ready to piss themselves. Well, except for an idiot
who looked ready to go for Bailey's gun.
Dude," Nick muttered, "that's Bailey Fucking Johansson. Unless you
want to end up in a shallow grave, back the fuck off."
"What he said!" Bailey yelled, waving her gun around before I hurried
her out of the door.
The cold air sobered up Bailey enough for her to return the gun to her
purse. She was still drunk enough to laugh hysterically as we reached
the SUV. "Did you see me kill that lamp?"
"You did good," I said, groggy as my adrenaline shifted to nausea and
the alcohol threatened to come back up on me.
Nick walked us to the SUV. "Next time, you might want to wave the
gun around before you get drunk and dance."
"Don't tell me what to do," Bailey growled, crawling into the backseat.
Then, realizing he saved her, she crawled back to face him. "You were
so brave. I should totally get you off as a thank you.
"Maybe another time," he said, laughing as she batted her eyes at him.
"Are you guys safe to drive?"
Lark nodded. "I' m sober enough to remember everything tomorrow.
Trust me that there'll be mocking."
Grinning, I fought with my seatbelt until Nick helped me. "Thanks. My
sister said you were nice." "Tell Farah hi."
"How do you know that's my sister?" "The eyes," he said, grinning.
Bailey popped her head into the front seat and frowned at Nick. "If we
tell Farah hi, Cooper will be pissed. Why do you want him to kick your
ass so much?"
"Might get another free semester out of it," he said, stepping away from
the car. "Have a good night."
Nick watched us pull away and I could see why Farah initially liked
him. He seemed sweet, but I sensed he wasn't nearly as dull and

average as Farah thought.
On the ride home, Bailey insisted we pick up a few beers, so she'd be
drunk enough to fall asleep quickly. Lark did as she was ordered and
Bailey was thoroughly wasted by the time we dropped her off at her
house.
As Lark drove to my apartment, I drank three beers. The fun of the
night was gone, leaving only the acceptance that I'd lost Judd.
Lark walked me to my apartment and helped me inside. She also left
me with the remaining beers. I stood in my dumpy apartment and
smiled at her.
"You're the best designated driver ever," I said like an idiot.
"Don't let Judd make you feel bad. I know it's hard, but you have more
to your life than a guy."
Nodding, I hugged her then watched her walk back to Bailey's SUV.
Once she was gone, I really thought about Lark's words. Maybe she
was right, but Judd owned my heart and he'd tossed it aside like trash.
In a way, I didn't blame him.
Stumbling around my apartment, I finally sat in the middle of the floor.
In this moment, drunk off my ass, I accepted Judd had dumped me. No
more maybe about it. He was simply done with me.
Dialing his number, I wasn't surprised when he didn't answer. His
message was short. "This is Judd O'Keefe. Leave a message."
"It's me and I get it. I know it's over and I don't blame you. I told you
too much about all my fucked up stuff. I showed you how ugly and
stupid I am. How foul I am. Ruined like shit and I should have hid it
because that's what girls do. They put their best face forward and sell
their better qualities. I just thought..."
Crying, I wiped at my eyes and kicked off my shoes.
"Cooper loves Farah even though she had a shitty childhood. She has
her issues and he still loves her. I thought you were my Cooper and
would love me even though I suck. I wouldn't want me if I were you.
You say you're a bad man, but you're strong and beautiful and any
woman would want you. No man would want me if he knew me like
you do. No one would want what I am."
I crawled into bed. "I should have lied. I should have put on a

show, but I guess that wouldn't work either. You saw what a loser I was
back in Texas. You were attracted to me, but you couldn't see past all
the ugly. I' m sorry I messed up and made you not want me. I tried, but
I'm not smart enough or good enough to fake it better. I'm trash just like
everyone in my family except Farah. She's the only one who wasn't
born a loser. I want to be like her so much, but I'm not. I'm stupid and
ugly and bad and that's why you dumped me. That's why you left and
didn't even say goodbye. You saw a chance to get away and you took it
and I don' t blame you. I want away from me too. I wish I could just
leave me behind and run away, but my filth would follow me
anywhere."
As I pulled the blanket over me, I wasn't even sure what I was saying
anymore. "I'm sorry, Judd. I wish I was better for you, but please know
I tried. I just couldn't hide what I am, but I wanted you so much and I
wished so much that I was better for you."
Hanging up, I fell asleep crying and pretending he was wrapped around
me. In my drunken state, I could almost feel him comforting me. I
imagined him lying about my beauty and how much he wanted me. His
words were my last thoughts before I dozed off into a dream where I
was back with Farah, waiting to be handed off. Farah's panic
overwhelmed her until she shut down before the suffering began. I
watched her and wanted to shut down too. Instead, I felt every moment
of it.

Chapter Twenty
Standing at the second bus stop the next day after my shift, I noticed a
Harley flying by in the direction of Denny's. A second later, a few
horns honked as the Harley turned recklessly into the other lane and
returned towards me. I watched Judd brake hard by the stop and climb
off his bike.
He looked great, of course. Tired, but gorgeous. I hated him for being
out of reach, yet everything I wanted.
"Angel," he said then glanced at the college guys staring. "Fuck
off."
As the guys moved, Judd led me farther away, so we might have a little
privacy on the busy street.
"Back for a booty call?" I muttered, staring past him.
"Tawny, I got your message and came looking for you as soon as I got
to town. Babe, why would you think we're over?"
"You left without telling me. You never called me back. Never texted
me. Never gave me any sign I mattered to you. I thought it was pretty
obvious you were done with me."
Judd cupped my face and forced me to look at him. "I' m not someone
who checks in with people."
"I thought I was more than people. I thought I was special, but I' m not.
I'm trash you're done with."
"Damn," he whispered, "the shit you think about yourself rips me
apart."
"What do you want?"
"I want my angel to understand I left on a job. I wasn't leaving you. I
figured you' d understand." "So it's my fault?"
Judd let me go then glanced around. When his gaze returned to my
face, I could see he was exhausted. He looked as wiped out as I felt.
"I fucked up, okay?" he said softly. "I'm not used to thinking about
anyone's feelings. I'm an idiot too. I couldn't sleep for shit the whole
time I was gone, but I didn't know why. Couldn't fucking figure it out
until I saw some chick I used to hook up with. When she wanted to
know

if I was interested in going to her place, I said I had a woman. It was a
fucking light bulb moment. Until then, I didn't know what my problem
was. Do you get it?"
Noticing the bus approaching from down the street, I shook my
head.
"I missed having you next to me while I slept. I missed waking up with
you there and knowing you were okay. I couldn't figure it out until that
damn moment. I know you think I'm older and have my shit together,
but I don't know anything about relationships or caring about someone
like I care about you."
I watched the bus get closer. "You're tired. You should go home," I told
him. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"No," he said, glancing at the bus then corralling me against his Harley,
so I was pinned. "I can't sleep and I need to sleep tonight. When Cooper
found out I was coming back early, he decided I have to go to his
meeting tomorrow. This thing is a big fucking deal. Not just to me, but
to Cooper and Vaughn. I need to be sharp and I can't be if I don't sleep.
If I' m not sharp, someone could get hurt. I need you to come home with
me."
"That's not fair," I whined. "You ditched me and ignored me, but I have
to fuck you now or else people will die."
"No," he soothed in a tender voice. "Just come to my place. You look
ready to drop and we can sleep. You can even have the bed. I just need
you there, so I can get some rest."
The bus stopped a few yards away, but I wasn't getting on it. Even if I
wanted to run away, Judd blocked my exit.
"You promised you'd try not to hurt me," I said, turning towards the
Harley. "You promised, but you lied. I'll sleep at your place for Cooper
and Vaughn. I don't trust you though. I don't trust anything you
tell me."
Judd opened his mouth then likely decided he'd won and might as well
keep his thoughts to himself. As the bus drove away, he climbed on his
Harley and waited for me to join him. Wrapping my arms around his
waist, I tried not to enjoy the feel of him. It was a losing proposition.
The ride to his place was a short one. We were soon leaving the

parking garage to go up to his condo. I stood away from him and he
pretended not to care. When I glanced at him though, I saw his jaw was
tight with tension. Did he really expect me to welcome him home with
open arms and legs? I would have, if he'd called just once or even sent a
short message. Instead, he did nothing.
Pearl walked towards me then looked at Judd and meowed angrily.
"I was working," he muttered as if he was the victim of us needy
bitches. "Do you want something to eat or drink, Tawny?"
"No, I need a shower."
"Shit," he said, wiping the back of his neck. "I've been riding all day
and need to get cleaned up too."
Walking to his bedroom, I dropped my bag and opened his dresser to
grab a tee. Once in the bathroom, I slammed and locked the door. No
way was I sharing a shower with him.
Scrubbing off a long day of work, exhaustion, and depression, I worked
to make sense of my feelings, but they were too painful and jumbled
up.
When I returned to the bedroom wearing a towel around my hair and
his shirt, Judd was sitting in the chair, staring at his hands. He looked
up and I saw how his feelings were jumbled up too. I think he wanted to
be angry and feel sorry for himself. I could imagine what he was
thinking. He was working, dammit! I was being a bitchy baby. He
wasn't wrong. I was wrong. Couldn't we just fuck and make everything
better?
I also saw longing and hurt around the edges of his irritation as he
passed me to shower. Ignoring how he left the bathroom door open, I
curled up in bed and pet a cranky Pearl.
"I know how you feel," I whispered to her.
The shower ran for a long time and I had nearly dozed off when he
appeared nude. Closing my eyes, I ignored him as he climbed into bed
and rested away from me. I figured he was still throwing a fit about me
throwing a fit. Then, I felt his hand run down my back. Just once, as if
he needed to feel me before he could sleep. Minutes later, I heard his
breathing change.
With Pearl's purring and Judd's steady breathing, I dozed off and

dreamed of Judd in my arms. Soon, I awoke to a room smelling of him
and glanced over my shoulder to find him still asleep. The clock
showed only a few hours had passed, but my feelings had shifted in that
time.
Emptied out of everything good when Judd discarded me, I was
quickly left with only suffering. The last few painful days left me
feeling like a loser who lost the man she wanted. I was also angry at
him. Yet, I hadn' t lost him and he was resting inches from me. Missing
him so much, I thought I'd never have another chance.
Turning over, I studied his relaxed face and wondered how he could be
so cold to not even text me. I wished to understand, but my heart hurt
too much to care about facts. I only wanted to feel like I did before he
left town.
Stripping out of his shirt, I straddled Judd and kissed his lax lips.
Startled, he flinched then his arms were immediately around me.
"I want you," I said against his lips.
"Angel," he moaned as I stroked his already hard cock.
"Tell me you want me."
"More than anything. I know you don't believe that, but it's true."
"Show me," I said as he entered me. "Show me how much you missed
me. Make me feel beautiful, instead of ugly."
Judd stared at me and all of those walls fell. I saw the pain he felt at
hurting me. There was so much guilt in his expression and I wished to
forgive him everything. Yet, he hurt me so much and I needed him to
help me be strong again.
Arms wound around me tightly, Judd kissed me hard, tugging at my
lips with his teeth when I pulled away. My hips worked feverishly to
find pleasure. With enough bliss, maybe the pain of the last week might
fade away. I felt like I might never find relief until Judd's kiss softened
and his hands stopped gripping me as if keeping me from running
away. Stroking my back, he relaxed me just enough to orgasm.
As soon as I caught my breath, Judd rolled us over and thrusted harder
into me. I held onto his forearms and stared into his faded blue eyes
filled so much hunger and fear. He wanted to say things he would never
say. Unable to share those feelings, he just fucked me hard and deep.

Judd was close to coming, but he held back. Maybe fearing that as soon
as he finished inside me that I would leave him, he refused to relent. I
took the choice away by caressing my clit and orgasming. All of those
tightening muscles around him proved to be too much and Judd finally
gave in. Out of breath over me, he wrapped me in his arms and held me
still. Feeling all of that fear radiating off him sent me into a panic.
"Get off," I whimpered while pushing at him until he rolled onto his
side and I broke free.
Sitting up, I stared into his eyes and all of the pain I felt those last days
came rushing forward. Sobbing now, I wrapped my arms around my
body, soothing myself like I did when Farah wasn't around to comfort
me.
"I though you were done with me. Like you saw I was no good and
ditched me. I was so ashamed that I couldn't make you stay. I hated
myself for being so foul that you wouldn't even say goodbye."
Judd caressed my head as I wept. "It never occurred to me that you
would think it was over. I know that seems stupid, but I just assumed
you knew how I felt. To me, I' m so different with you and my feelings
are obvious. Yet, you don't know me and what I thought was obvious
wasn't. I fucked up, babe, but you did nothing wrong."
"I'm a loser. I've always known that, but I had Farah to love me. I
thought that was enough, but now I want you. These last few days, I
imagined you with other women and laughing about how fucking
stupid and horrible and filthy I am."
Judd wrapped me up in his arms and pulled me against him. "You have
to stop thinking those things about yourself."
"I try, but they make sense."
"Lies often sound good, but they're still lies."
Leaning my head against him, I settled my sobs. "I never dreamed of
anything special for myself. While Farah dreamed of college, I
dreamed of Arby's. I've always aimed low, so I wouldn't be
disappointed, but I really wanted you."
"You have me."
"I didn't know that though."

"I fucked up," he whispered, soothing me until my tears stopped and I
rested quietly against him. "I assumed you knew. That was fucking
stupid."
Nuzzling his jaw with my lips, I sighed. "I want to be strong, but I'm
not. I fell apart when you left. I wouldn't have done that, if I knew you
were coming back. Still, a strong person shouldn't fall apart so easy."
"Seeing you right now, feeling so bad and knowing it's my fault, is
making me weak too. No one can be strong all the time."
"I missed you," I whimpered. "I wanted you to give me another
chance."
Wrapping me tighter in his arms, Judd sighed. "When I'm with you, I
feel like a different kind of man. I feel better than I've ever felt, but that
kind of man isn't any good for my kind of work. A man with all that
need in his heart can't do what needs to be done. So I returned to the
man who doesn't feel. I know I hurt you by doing that, but it was what
needed to be done for me to survive. My job won't allow for mistakes
just because my heart belongs to a beautiful angel. What I do for
Cooper is about making people bleed before they do the same to us."
I studied him for a moment. "You have to be cold to do your job."
"When I' m working, I care about nothing. Not my life back here. Not
my mom. Not about Vaughn when we work together. I don't care about
me either. I just turn it all off, so I won't fuck up. That way, if Vaughn
gets killed or I'm cornered, I won't panic and feel too much shit and
make things worse. Yeah, I'm cold, but with you, I can't be that way. I
might seem cold sometimes. Quiet or indifferent, but inside I'm crazy
with everything I feel. It's almost too much and I had to turn that off to
work."
"Can you at least text me next time before you turn it all off? Just let me
know that you still want me."
"That little thing really would have made a difference, wouldn't
it?"
Nodding, I caressed his face in desperate need of a shave. "I understand
about your job. I can be patient when you're working, but I need to
know you want me."

"I might not come back from my job one day."
Shivering at the thought of Judd gone from the world, I cuddled closer.
"I know, but it's what you do."
Judd turned my face to look at him. "I knew it was a mistake to get
involved with you because I'm a cold man. You need a good man who
can help you feel good about yourself. I see how fragile you are and
how I hurt you without even fucking realizing it and I wish I had stayed
away."
"Are you ending things?" I said, shaking now.
"Fuck no. I' m selfish as shit and I need you. I was too stupid to realize
why I couldn't sleep those nights. Deep inside though, I felt like
something was missing. I need my angel to be happy and I'm keeping
you. When I heard your message, I thought how can she think I'm not
coming back when she's mine?"
"I am yours," I whispered as my eyes began to droop. "No one else
will do."
Judd smiled then lifted me off his lap and rested me on my back. "Let's
get some sleep and we'll spend tomorrow together. It's your day
off, right?"
Nodding, I leaned my cheek against his arm. "I missed you so much,
Judd. I' m glad you still want me."
"I always will, babe," he whispered, kissing my forehead.
Smiling, I closed my eyes and fell asleep against his warm, sweaty
body. He was still mine and I never wanted that to change.

Chapter Twenty One
Waking at two in the morning, I noticed Judd was gone from bed along
with Pearl. As I pushed the covers back to find him, he appeared at the
doorway with a few cans of soda and a plate of food.
"Hey, babe, I figured you were hungry since we skipped dinner." Even
smiling, I could barely keep my eyes open. "I didn't have much to
choose from since I've been out of town," he said, setting the food on
the nightstand and opening a Coke. "A little leftover this and that. Half
a meatball sub. Nothing great, but..."
Judd paused when he looked at me. "You're not even awake, are
you?"
"No," I whispered.
A grinning Judd fed me bites of potato salad and the stale sub
sandwich. I chewed what he gave me and drank a little of the soda then
collapsed back on the bed and watched him finish the food.
"I missed you so much," I whispered.
"You can't know how much I missed you. Hell, I didn't even know until
I knew."
After setting aside the plate, Judd slid into bed. He kissed me softly,
tasting of marinara sauce.
"You're warm," he murmured against my neck as his lips teased
me.
"I don't know if I'm awake enough to help."
"I don't need help," he said, grinning at me as he explored my body. "I
just need a yes."
"Yes," I moaned as he sucked on a nipple. "A million times yes."
Judd laughed his rich deep laugh. Caressing his hair, I opened my legs
for him and he was soon inside me. Even half asleep, I came hard, yet
managed to be quiet and avoid disturbing Verna.
Falling asleep later to the warm tingles of pleasure, I wanted every
moment of the rest of my life to feel like this one.
Waking later to the sun streaming in through the shades, I was alone in
bed again. This time, Judd sat in a corner chair, watching me while
stroking himself.

"I was trying to will you awake with my mind," he said, grinning as he
stood. "Do you need to use the bathroom?" "No," I said, throwing back
the sheets. "Do you need a drink or something to eat?" "No," I
whispered as he slid into bed next to me. "Do you want me, angel?"
"Yes. Always yes."
Judd gave me a smile I'd never seen before. An easy open smile, as if he
was no longer a dark man fighting to hide himself from the world. He
was no longer the hurt boy fighting to be a man in a world he didn't
trust. He was just a guy who wanted a girl who wanted him back.
We made love for the next hour. Fucking didn't express what we
shared. The feelings were so intense and beyond anything I'd ever
experienced that I alternated between giggling and crying. Judd was so
amazing as if somewhere during the night he decided to let go of his
worries about us and just savor our every moment together.
By the time we showered and were off to Tequila Jodi for breakfast, I
was exhausted, yet happier than I'd ever been. After having me choose
between his two Harleys, we left the condo. Judd looked relaxed too
until we neared the bar. Quickly, his expression hardened as we walked
inside.
Sitting at his normal table, Judd wasn't the guy who awaited me when I
woke up. Gaze hard and a tight set to his jaw, the man across from me
now was an enforcer. Yet, he gave me a grin.
"After my meeting, let's go nap again."
"It's not healthy to nap all the time."
"I heard napping is good for your skin."
"We're not really talking about napping, are we?" I asked, grinning.
"No, angel, we're not."
Laughing, I was startled when Cooper stormed towards us. "What the
fuck, man?" he yelled at Judd.
"Problem, boss?" Judd asked, even though he clearly knew the
problem.
"You know those fuckers are coming here for that meeting. Why

would you bring Tawny to the bar?"
Judd rubbed at his eyes then yawned. "Let's talk in private."
While I thought the men would leave me behind, Judd gestured for me
to come along. Our food was delivered to a backroom where Cooper
fumed.
"What the fuck?" he said again.
"Tawny's gotta gift at reading people. You have a mole you need to
smoke out. Why not use an asset at your disposal?" "No fucking way."
Judd gulped his orange juice. "You wanted Tawny out of that shitty
apartment and her crap job. Well, give her a damn job."
"I would, b u t . "
"A real job," Judd interrupted. "She could work as your assistant as far
as everyone else knows, but she's great at reading people. She's good at
organizing shit too. Put her to work, give her a nice salary, and smoke
out your mole."
"I just bring my girl's sister to a meeting with another motorcycle club
and no one's gonna think anything weird about that?"
"Who cares what they think? Besides, they're coming here to fuck with
you, so you'll hand over Vaughn. Your pop wants you to handle shit.
Tawny can help. Problem fucking solved."
Tucker entered the room and sighed. "Maddy's a hormonal mess. Can't
wait until she pops the kid out and we're done with that moody
shit."
"I think chicks are still moody after they pop them out," Cooper said,
studying me. "Judd thinks Tawny can figure out our mole." "Is she
psychic?"
Glancing at Tucker, I smiled. "You haven't gotten laid in days. You
know you did something wrong, but you don't know what and Maddy
won't tell you. Instead of just asking, you decided she's hormonal.
Maybe you outta ask and end the suspense, Tuck?"
Tucker grinned. "Bring her so we can kill the mole and clean this shit
up before Pop decides our balls ain't big enough to take over."
Cooper sighed. "What about Farah?"
Judd chewed on a piece of bacon and glanced at me. "Tell her

Tawny is your assistant. Farah knows her sister can read people. If you
don't find the mole soon, it's going to affect her too."
Leaning back against a desk, Cooper crossed his muscular arms and
stared at me. "What did you tell her?" he asked Judd, even though his
eyes remained on me.
"Nothing."
"Fuck," Cooper muttered. "Fine, but if there's trouble, we get her out of
the way."
Judd rolled his eyes. "I wasn't planning on using my woman as a shield,
boss. I'd let them shoot you before I let anything happen to her."
Cooper smirked. "I'm glad I never got all stupid and whipped like you
are now."
Laughing so hard at his brother's bullshit, Tucker both farted and
burped. Soon, everyone was laughing. The mood was so fake happy
that I nearly convinced myself that I wasn't walking into trouble. While
Cooper and Tucker moved to the hallway and whispered about stuff I
wasn't interested in, I focused on Judd.
"Why didn't you tell me you had this planned?" I asked quietly.
"Never occurred to me that you'd mind," he said, eating his breakfast
casually.
"I don't like bikers."
"I know, babe."
"You should have asked me if I was okay with it." "Are you okay with
it?"
"I guess, but I couldn't really say no with Cooper standing there, now
could I?"
When Judd stared into my eyes, I saw something around the edges of
his indifference.
"I won't let anything happen to you," he said in a hard tone.
Suddenly, it was clear why he never mentioned his plan beforehand. I
moved closer to Judd and smiled slightly.
"If you told me ahead of time, you might have chickened out,
right?"
Judd caressed my cheek with the back of his hand. "I need you to do
this, but that doesn't mean I want you to do this. Get it?"

"Yes."
"These fuckers are messing with the Johansson's business. They're
threatening the family and club. Going to war would be messy and I
don' t think the Devils want war. They have someone inside though.
Someone telling them where our assets are located and when best to hit
them. The head of the Devils is a fucker named Lloyd, but he's sending
his VP Caleb to talk with Cooper. It' s a sign of disrespect that he won't
come himself."
"Why do they want Vaughn?"
"He was a Devil. Now, he's not. How that change came about is of great
importance to Lloyd. For Kirk, none of that shit matters. All he cares
about is that Lloyd is unhappy. They've hated each other for years, but
Lloyd behaved because Kirk has Memphis behind him. Now, with talk
about Cooper taking over, no more behaving."
"What happens if they get Vaughn?" I asked like an idiot, but I hoped
the answer wasn't the one I was imagining.
"Don't worry about Vaughn or about the Devils. You just watch our
guys. There are a dozen possible members who might be the mole.
Those guys will be at the meeting and I need you to figure out which
one is working with the Devils. We've checked them all out and
nothing comes up. Someone is squealing though because there's no
way those assets get hit without inside info. Of course, the Devils
pretend they're not behind it. They just say they know who is and will
handle it if they get Vaughn."
"So Cooper is just having this meeting to flush out the mole?"
"Yeah, mainly. The Devils have been starting shit for months, but
Kirk's handing the issue over to Cooper. It's his first big test and he
needs to pass."
"I'll watch the guys, but I'm not psychic."
"You notice shit though. Also, you don't have any preconceived
notions about the guys. I look at them and think of past shit. I know
who I like and don't like. You don't care about that. You'll just see their
reactions and that's all you need to worry about. I promise I won't let
anything happen to you. Not that the Devils would start shit on
Johansson territory. It'd be a massacre and Cooper's dogs would end up

well fed."
Even nervous, I forced myself to eat. Hunger pains wouldn't be helpful
when faced with scary bikers in the midst of a pissing match. Judd
leaned over and kissed my cheek.
"My life is about the job," he whispered. "I can't have a suburban
fantasy like the Johansson boys. I didn't grow up that way and I can't
fake it. My job is bloody and I need you to understand that because I
want my life to be about you too."
Smiling, I brushed my lips against his. "I don't need a picket fence. I' d
feel wrong with one anyway."
"That's why we work, babe."
The rest of the breakfast was quiet, but Judd and I were comfortable
with silence. This comfort made it easier to prepare for the prospect of
facing the kind of men who ruined me years earlier.
While joining Judd, Cooper, Tucker, and Kirk's top guys in the now
empty bar, I put on my blank expression and faked calm. As a kid, I
used my blank face when Dad's friends would hang around and I'd
worry about getting raped. I would sit very quietly and wait for them to
leave. When they moved towards me, I never reacted. I think they
wanted me to react, so I refused. I planned to refuse the urge to react at
this meeting too.
Caleb was big and young like Cooper, but he had a hard face like a fist
collided with it too many times. His hair was shaved short and I noticed
a bullet hole tattoo on the side of his head.
Keeping my eyes on the ground, I only peeked up at the men. Not at the
Devils, but our guys who might be working with the enemy.
"Who's the broad?" Caleb asked, scratching at his dark beard.
"She's the sister of my girl," Cooper said, putting a lot of heat into his
words.
Caleb shrugged. "What's she gonna do? Take notes of the meeting."
The six guys who came with him laughed, even though it wasn't funny.
Cooper just stared in that hard mean way of his. Standing just behind
me, Judd had on his cold expression. Tucker looked pissed off while
the rest of the Johansson guys glared at the newcomers.

"I' m not handing over Vaughn," Cooper said.
"Why call the meeting, if you had nothing to offer?"
"To tell you face to face. Also, to force you to pay for the gas to travel
here, so I could tell you face to face."
"You're the one losing money, Johansson," Caleb muttered, glancing
around the bar. "I'd think you'd be worried about paying salaries soon."
Cooper grinned. "These people messing with my shit aren't hurting me.
They're hurting my shit. My bills get paid and those people you 're
protecting are signing their death warrants."
"Speaking of death warrants," Caleb said, still glancing around as if
bored, "all this could go away if you handed over Vaughn. What do you
want with a traitor like him around?"
"He betrayed your club, not mine."
Nostrils flaring, Caleb faked a smile. "We're going to get him one day.
When that happens, we'll quarter him then give his skull to Player's old
lady. Justice will be served. If you made that happen for us now, you
would save yourself a lot of shit."
"Like I said already, we're not giving you Outlaw and we're not
interested in those assets your friends fucked with. We have other
assets. Might even get ourselves some new ones too."
"You threatening something here?" Caleb said, stepping closer and
sending the room into testosterone overload.
Cooper merely crossed his arms and grinned. "Doesn't every son want
to expand on his father's empire?"
Whatever this meant to Caleb, he wasn't happy. Suddenly, he focused
his hard gaze on me and gave another one of his fake smiles.
"You sure the little girl should be hearing all of this? She looks about
ready to cry."
Cooper stepped between me and Caleb then growled, "You should be
worrying about what I want to hear."
"So this is it?" Caleb nearly yelled. "You have us come all this fucking
way, so you can tell us the same shit you told us on the fucking phone?"
"Hell yeah. No skin off my ass about your drive."

"If you want a war, the old man will give you a war."
"Wars are costly," Cooper said, rubbing at his wrist where Farah's
name was tattooed. "Lots of people get involved. You have enough
people to make that worth the trouble?"
Remembering what Judd said about Memphis backing Kirk, I
understood Cooper's threat. Caleb understood it too and proceeded to
cuss like he was dying and only the word fuck would save him.
"Fine. Let's keep playing this fucking game," Caleb said, pointing at
Cooper. "You won't like the ending though."
Once Cooper shrugged, Caleb flipped him off and stormed out of the
bar. The rest of the Devils followed their leader, but I didn't watch them
go.
Instead, I watched Cooper's guys who were mostly pissed. Some
looked angry at Caleb while a few seemed irritated with Cooper. They
all tensed when violence looked imminent. They all relaxed when the
Devils left.
Except for one older guy who remained steely-eyed during the
exchange. His expression never changed, even as things grew heated.
When my dad was selling a lie, his expression would freeze to avoid
giving himself away. Kirk's guy was the same way. A rock through the
whole showdown, he acted like a man who knew how everything
would end.
I' d found the mole.

Chapter Twenty Two
After telling Cooper my theory and making a quick stop at the store for
essentials, Judd and I enjoyed the rest of the day by running around his
condo naked. The next day I had no work, so we took a ride on his
Harley. Judd drove us around Ellsberg then out towards the Johansson
property. We passed it and kept riding. Turning off the highway, Judd
glanced back and told me to hold on tight. We were soon on rough
ground, following a dirt path through dense woods. Even tightening my
grip on Judd as I bounced on the back of the Harley, I enjoyed the crisp
autumn day.
As the Harley slowed near a creek, Judd pulled over and turned off the
engine. Glancing back at me, he grinned. "Your cheeks are a sexy
pink."
Something about the way he was looking at me caused the words to
leave my mouth before my brain processed them. "I wish you were
inside me right now."
Judd's smile faded and he exhaled hard. "I've never been this horny in
my life. It's like my dick is addicted."
"Be still my heart, you charmer," I teased, sliding off the bike. "What
are we doing out here?"
"I' m thinking I should be doing you," he said, adjusting himself after
climbing off the bike.
"You drove us way out here for that?"
"No, I drove us out here for this," Judd said, removing a gun from his
holster. "You need to learn to shoot."
For the slightest second when the gun appeared, I imagined it was
meant to be used on me. The fear didn't last long, but that moment must
have registered on my face because Judd frowned.
"Tawny," he said as if simply my name would express the irritation he
felt at my even considering he might harm me.
"Yes, Judd?" I asked innocently.
Rolling his eyes, he walked toward the creek. "Vaughn and I come out
here to shoot. I called ahead and let Jodi know I was bringing you out
here, so they wouldn't freak about the gunshots. Now, come over here
so

I can teach you."
Judd stood at the edge of the creek and fired at a tree, hitting a well
worn hole. I watched him until he glanced back at me.
"I'm sorry," I said, realizing he was hurt by my fear. "It's a reflex."
"I know. I just hate that look on my angel's face. You've had enough
fear in your life that I can't be someone who adds to it."
Walking to him, I gave him my best smile. "With you, I feel safer than
I've ever felt. Even in that room full of bikers, I felt like I would be okay
because you were with me. I really believed you'd use Cooper as a
shield to protect me."
Judd laughed. "I would so shove his ass in front of you to take a bullet.
He knows it too. It's why he's not being a bitch about our relationship
anymore. He knows I'm not fucking you. I'm..."
Unable to finish, Judd just stared into my eyes and I hoped that look
meant what I thought it did. Instead of talking about feelings, Judd
handed me the gun and showed me the basics. Soon, I was holding it
with both hands and aiming at the target across the creek.
"Relax so the recoil won't hurt you," he said as his body pressed behind
me. "Let yourself focus on the target, not on how you want to hit
it."
The first shot went off into the woods, never getting anywhere close to
the tree. Imagining one of the bikers from years ago, I focused on the
idea of him standing on the other side of the creek. I didn't focus on
hitting him, only saw him mocking me. Firing once, I chipped the tree.
"Nice," Judd murmured, leaning down to nip at my earlobe.
"I was thinking of one of those fuckers who hurt me," I said softly. "I
didn't read him well at all. I thought he was nicer because he didn't hit
me or chock me. He didn't piss on me or yank me around by my hair.
He seemed almost gentle and I looked forward to when it was his turn
because he wasn't so scary."
Firing again, I grazed the tree. "His name was Alex and he said he
would get my necklace back from the fuck who took it for his kid. He
said I was pretty and the others didn't. They said Farah was Cinderella
and I was the ugly stepsister. Alex made me feel like I wasn't the shitty

leftovers no one wanted though. I even liked him a little after the first
few days, but he's the one who ruined me."
My mind was focused on Alex standing on the other side of creek,
waiting to die. I never thought of Judd standing behind me or what I
was saying. I just wanted to hurt Alex for making me nothing.
"The head guy was Travis and he liked Farah. He enjoyed making her
scream and he hated how she would cry when he fucked her. He
wanted to punish her and Alex thought it would be funny for me to be
part of hurting Farah. I hate the fucker."
Firing again, I refused to cry. Besides, I wasn't sad. I was enraged that
Farah ever cried or screamed or that I shamed myself in front of her.
"Alex would fuck me in front of the mirror. I didn't think about that, but
one time, he made me come and told me to look at what a dirty whore I
was. I did look and he was right. I looked happy. I knew that's how I
looked in front of Farah and I hated myself. I tried to forget, but that' s
the face I see in the mirror. The dirty whore coming with some old
fucker. The evil bitch that came for Travis in front of a crying Farah."
When Judd yanked the gun away from me, I turned to him and
frowned. "I was getting better at hitting the target."
He stared at me and I saw such pain in those eyes. "Do you ever listen
to what you say about yourself?"
Confused, I stared up at him. "I feel like I have to lie with everyone
else, but I don't want to lie with you."
Judd wiped a single tear rolling down my cheek. "I need you to be
strong and understand my life because you're part of it. I want you to
feel safe and strong, but you're the biggest threat to yourself."
Lowering my gaze, I felt ashamed to have him say those words. "I' m
sorry."
"Tawny," he said softly, lifting my chin so I would meet his gaze, "you
are so beautiful and you deserve to look in the fucking mirror and see
what I see."
"I can't look. When I do, I see that whore coming for every freak in the
gang."
"You've imprinted all these lies into your head and I can't make them
go away. I don't have the power to make you stop thinking like

that. Only you do, but I don't think you can. Not on your own."
"I don't understand," I said, caressing my crucifix for reassurance.
Judd returned the gun to his holster. "When my mom got away from my
dad, she suffered from PTSD. She tried therapy and it didn't really help.
Building a new life did help, but she still had those dark moods.
Finally, her doctor got her on an anti-depressant and her dark moods
weren't so dark. She still has bad days, but she feels more in control."
Feeling like he was calling me defective, I just wanted to hide from the
world. "You want me to take medication to fix me?"
"No," he said, cupping my face. "You are fixing yourself already. At
first, I didn't get why you'd work at that job or live in the shithole, but I
understand now. If you lived off Cooper, in your mind, your every
success would really be his."
Even afraid Judd was ready to discard me for being a loser, I had to
admit he was right about why I wanted to work and live on my own. I
nodded as he caressed my cheeks.
"You try so hard and I see you working to dig yourself out of that life
you had growing up, but you also have these dark moods where I worry
you'll be the one who destroys you."
"I was just being honest and using Alex as a target."
"Not just what you said right now, but the message you left me. Fuck,
you can't know how scared I was that you'd do something before I got
back to you. I thought to call you, but what if I said something to make
it worse? I just jumped on the bike and came straight to see you because
the girl leaving that message didn't hate me for fucking up. She hated
herself for every wrong in the world. It's not your damn fault those
fuckers hurt you and Farah."
"I came in front of Farah," I said, pulling away and wiping at my tears.
"With Travis, after he'd hurt her. I had to look in her eyes as she cried in
a corner and I got off. I'm a whore."
Judd yanked me to him and I thought he might hit me. "My mom would
think she asked to be hit by my dad. Like she brought it on herself. He
was a predator though and she was weak. Those fuckers are predators
and you were a child. You were too young to know what was

happening and you've filled your head with fucking lies. Dammit,
Tawny," he said, shaking me by the shoulders. "You were what,
twelve, thirteen? They screwed you up and you never healed right. You
just tell yourself those damn lies again and again. You think them every
time you pass a fucking mirror. I see the way you dodge anything with
your reflection. That's fucked up and you deserve to be free of it, but
you can't because your brain is wired to self-hatred." Judd paused and
pulled me into his arms. "You need help rewiring it." "What can some
pill do though?"
"If it's like my mom, it'll just even out your moods. Make it easier for
you to work through shit when you start feeling bad. It doesn't make
you happy. It just makes it easier for you to make yourself happy."
I tried to imagine feeling calmer and being able to get stronger.
Sometimes, I thought if I didn't have Farah and now Judd, I would
rather die than feel as bad as I did. If a pill kept me from feeling so bad,
I wanted to try. When I was calmer, I knew I deserved to be happy.
Now, finding Judd, I had a chance to be happier than I'd ever dreamed,
but I was scared.
"Will you go with me to the doctor?" I asked, sounding like a kid.
Judd caressed my hair. "Fuck yeah, babe. I'll do whatever you need
because when you smile, it's like the world is perfect. But when you say
that ugly shit about yourself, I can barely keep from tearing this world
apart for hurting you the way it has. We'll do this together."
Wrapping him tighter in my arm, I sighed. "I do want to smile and
know what I really look like in the mirror. I want those things, but I'm
scared to do anything different. I'm worried if I try and fail that I'll
know it'll never be better."
"If one thing doesn't work, we'll try something else," he said, running
his fingers through my messy hair. "We'll try because that girl back
with those bikers deserved to have a good life. We need to give her
that."
Suddenly, I felt like I was that girl again. Really felt the pain and
shame. Remembered how my father wouldn't look at me after Travis
said I loved every moment. Mostly, I remembered how broken Farah
was and how I worried she wouldn't love me anymore. I wondered if

every time Farah looked at me that she saw the whore coming with the
man who tortured her?
Sobbing against Judd, I remembered how simple my dreams once
were. Before those bikers showed up, all I wanted was to take my sister
out for a birthday dinner at Dairy Queen. Why couldn't that little girl
have another chance to feel truly happy again?
By the time I calmed down and rested next to Judd on the cold ground,
I already felt happier. I'd never said those ugly things out loud. Instead
of keeping the pain inside, I showed Judd all of the painful scars and he
still looked at me like I was beautiful. The smile he gave me as we
returned to the Harley was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. My
knight never stopped saving me.

Chapter Twenty Three
I was raised to believe therapy was something rich weak people did
because they were too weak to know better. Even knowing most of the
shit my family believed was stupid, I felt weird sitting in the shrink's
office. Judd sat next to me, messing around on his phone. I wasn't sure
what was so fascinating, but I sensed it was related to the mole. Once
he was done texting his secret codes and sent them to Cooper, he
smiled down at me.
"Having fun yet?" he asked.
Nodding, I ran my fingers over his angel tattoo. Even though Judd
thought I was beautiful like the angel, I felt dirty sitting there with him.
"What if she's mean? What if she calls me names like Aunt Pam said
the therapist did to my cousin who killed herself?"
"If she's a bitch, I'll hold her down while you punch her in the
face."
Smiling weakly, I felt the panic growing. "What if she says I'm too
fucked up to help?"
"She's getting paid, babe. No way she tells you that you're beyond
help."
Staring into his eyes, I fiddled with the crucifix necklace. "I'm scared."
"I know, but I'll be with you. If things go south, I'll take you back to my
place and make you feel better."
"Therapy is for losers," I whispered.
"My mom went to therapy and she's not a loser."
"Your mom has an exotic name. Is she exotic?"
"No. My grandparents just wanted to be different."
Nodding again, I leaned my head against his shoulder and traced the
angel on his forearm. Her lashes were thick and I wondered if mine
looked that way too? We sat silently for the next few minutes until Dr.
Nicholson called us into her office. She wanted to speak with me alone,
but I told her no. Judd said nothing, only giving her the dark look that
shut down further conversation.
The doctor said I could call her Tina. She even looked a bit like

Aunt Pam except less rundown by life.
While I was afraid of her questions, she talked around things a lot that
first day. She wanted to know about the medication my doctor
prescribed and what I hoped to gain from taking it. When I told her how
I kept thinking negative things about myself, she asked for examples.
Instead of pacing myself, I blurted out how I was raped and a whore
and I had all those orgasms and hated myself now. Tina only nodded
and wrote something down on her clipboard.
While I should have been irritated by her lack of a reaction, it actually
helped. Later, as we left, Tina explained how she often worked with
rape victims in her practice. What I said wasn't shocking to her and this
made me feel less like a freak.
Judd never said anything during the session or on the ride to the
restaurant. Simply there as moral support, he wanted me to take the
reins. I wanted to be strong, so he trusted me to say what needed to be
said. By the time we picked up the prescription for an anti-depressant, I
did feel stronger. Healthy might be a long way down the road, but I was
on my way.

Chapter Twenty Four
Normally when Judd and I woke up, we messed around for a good half
hour or more before moving our games to the shower. This morning
though, he wanted to shower alone. He didn't say the words, but he
asked if I wanted to clean up first. I caught the hint and was soon
waiting for him to emerge from his solo shower.
My feelings were hurt because I sensed I was getting on his nerves.
Judd shifted from never having a woman around to me around all the
time. I knew logically how he should be restless with my constant
presence. Yet, whenever I suggested I sleep at my place, he frowned
like I was shitting on his feelings. Confused, I just waited for him to tell
me what he wanted. I knew asking would lead to that blank stare he
gave me whenever I sent a question his direction that he had no interest
in answering.
Appearing from the steamy bathroom, Judd walked across the room in
all of his naked glory and moved a gun into a top dresser drawer. I
watched him and waited to touch all of the shiny clean skin. I could
already taste it and my body responded with a flush of heat. Judd
glanced at me then sighed.
"I have a confession."
"What?" I mumbled, studying his hard chest covered in tattoos. "I'm a
virgin."
Grinning, I leaned back and spread my legs slightly. "In the immortal
words of Inigo Montoya, 'I do not think that word means what you
think it means.' There's a reason I call you, Judd the Stud, you
know?"
Judd shared my smile. "I've never gone down on a woman before. I
think today we pop my cherry on that one."
Swallowing hard, I asked, "Are you sure it's safe?"
Smile gone, Judd stepped closer to the bed. "Safe how? You think I
can't successfully make you come, babe?"
"You make me come by breathing on my neck. I just mean I could
be..."
"Stop," he barked and flinched. "You said you went to a doctor.

You were tested. You need to stop letting the ugly part of your brain
tell you stupid shit." "I'm sorry."
Judd exhaled hard. "You're beautiful and delicate and perfect, but you
see only shit in yourself. It drives me crazy."
"Are you not going to kiss me down there now?" I asked, swinging my
knees and trying to get us back to the part where I popped Judd's oral
cherry.
Judd' s gaze latched onto where I slid my hand and opened myself to
him. When he smiled, I knew we were back on track.
"It's my first time," he said, grinning slyly. "Be patient with me."
"Fuck," I said, already breathing too fast as I imagined how good it
would feel.
Judd crawled over me and kissed me gently. Nipping at my lower lip as
he pulled away, Judd smiled. "You're ready to come already, aren' t
you?"
"I'm sorry, but I'm excited."
"You look electric when you get aroused like this," he said, sliding two
fingers inside me and using the knuckle of his thumb to caress my clit.
"Don't worry about noise. Verna is out of town."
Normally, I would have laughed, but instead I called out his name as I
came hard against his fingers. Judd waited until the waves of pleasure
eased then he removed his fingers and sucked the taste of me off them.
"I love when you say my name," he murmured as his lips teased each
nipple then moved down to my stomach. "The way it sounds when you
come is like music."
Watching him, I soaked in every blissful stroke from his lips, fingers,
and that curious tongue. By the time Judd spread me open and blew
softly on the wet flesh, I was ready to come again. Everything about the
man from his soft wavy hair to his hard muscles and hot skin to the tip
of his tongue stroking my clit was absolutely perfect.
After the second orgasm from him sucking softly at my clit, I lost the
ability to communicate in words. Judd took his time and I came apart
for him, melting under his touch. The arrogant look on his face when he

climbed over me and stroked my wetness with his cock told me he
knew exactly how much I was under his spell.
"I need to be inside you," he murmured, still teasing me with his cock.
"Do you want that?"
Only nodding because words weren't possible, I reached for him then
groaned as he filled me. His arrogant expression faded until he stared at
me with a gaze full of intense need.
"Everything about you makes me crazy," he said, thrusting harder. "I
can't think of anything without you at the edges. Everything I see is a
reminder of you. My life was empty, yet sufficient a month ago. Now,
it's pointless without you."
Staring up at him, I nearly cried out how much I loved him and hoped
he loved me. Even with the words on the tip of my tongue, I held back.
Judd was opening up to me, trusting me with his feelings, but he wasn't
ready yet for such a declaration. It was why he needed the private
shower. Also, why after we were exhausted, he stared at the wall like
the world was unbearable for him.
Eventually, we cleaned up again and headed to lunch at Tequila Jodi.
Still in a quiet mood, Judd barely acknowledged Cooper who was
talking to a few of his dad's top guys. These were men who had known
the mole for years and trusted the bastard. I suspected they originally
had doubts that their friend would betray the club, but Judd said the guy
confessed. He told them everything, so even his closest buddy was
willing to put the fucker out of his misery in the end.
I refused to think how I helped a man die. Knowing he was a mole who
caused the deaths of people working for the Johanssons didn't make me
feel much better. My unhappiness wasn't guilt as much as confusion
over if I should feel guilt.
Finally, Cooper walked over and sized up a quiet Judd before smiling at
me. "So am I hiring you or what?"
"I'm not sure I want to work for you. I've heard you can be a huge
asshole."
"Really?" he asked, grinning. "Who told you that? Was it Bailey?"
"You wish."
Cooper laughed and looked around. "I don't know what an

assistant would really do? Like do I have paperwork to fill out or
whatever?"
Shrugging, I glanced at Judd who was watching someone in the corner.
When I looked back at Cooper, he was studying the hair in my eyes.
"You look tired," he said, reaching out to brush away the hair.
Cooper's hand never reached my face before Judd grabbed his wrist and
yanked it away. In that instant, everything shifted.
The men stepped closer, eyeballing each other as the heat of their anger
became palatable. I thought to step between them and calm things
before violence broke out. Then, I remembered when I tried to break up
a fight between my uncle's dogs. If Farah hadn't pulled me out of the
way, I' d have been mauled. That day, I learned if predators wanted to
fight, you let them while staying as far back as possible.
"I'll let this go because it's your woman," Cooper muttered, dark eyes
still angry. "If you pull this shit again and it's not your woman, you and
I will have a problem."
Once Cooper walked away, Judd finally relaxed. I just stared at him as
he led me to a booth because a group of old timers were at his table.
Sitting next to him, I caressed his face, soothing him. He finally gave
me a little grin.
Suddenly, Vaughn appeared and took the spot across from us. "Why do
you look so pissed off?"
"He almost went feral on Cooper for trying to touch me."
Vaughn gave us a lazy grin. "So losing his balls makes a man stupid,
eh? Good to know. Just another reason to keep mine attached."
Judd exhaled hard. "You wouldn't want anyone touching your woman.
One day, you'll know that despite your love affair with your
balls."
"A man should love his balls," Vaughn said, still grinning. "What if I
touch her?" he asked, his hand moving slowly towards my face. "I'll
stab you in the fucking eye."
Grinning, Vaughn put down his hand. "You're pretty damn sexy when
you go drama queen, O'Keefe."
"He is, isn't he?" I said, sliding closer to Judd. "I wish we were

naked right now."
Both men frowned at me, but I only smiled and Judd adjusted in the
booth as his jeans grew too tight.
"Stop," he warned.
"I'm not afraid of you."
"I could make a liar of you."
"You won't though because you wish you were inside me." Judd
exhaled hard like a pissed bull and adjusted in the booth again. I just
laughed and rested my head against his shoulder. "I so own you."
Vaughn nodded. "He's a keeper. I remember how poetic he was when I
asked him if he could imagine himself as an old man. He turned to me
and grunted. Real profound grunt too. Oh, and once I asked if he ever
imagined himself as a father. I kid you not, he burped. The man is
fucking Shakespeare."
Vaughn and I laughed, but Judd only rolled his eyes. "Why are you two
hassling me?"
"For me, it's a distraction," I murmured as he adjusted in the booth
again.
"These jeans aren't made for so much temptation."
"I feel the same way about my bra. They can barely hold me in."
The men laughed and I was glad to see Judd relax. Well, his face
relaxed while the rest of him was still agitated and needing relief. I
caressed the part in the most need and he nearly jumped out of the
booth.
"Tawny."
"Yes, Judd?" I asked softly and he just grinned. "I'm sorry, but you
were pretty damn hot going psycho on Cooper. My man turned
caveman and it was some sexy shit."
"You two are grossing me out," Vaughn said, seeming a little grumpy
now. "Luckily, I have a strong stomach."
"What are you up to today?" I asked, giving Judd a little space to ease
his tight pants problem.
"Same shit," Vaughn said and I notice a bigger chink in his affable
armor. "When I was younger, I would bowl every weekend. Me and my
cousin would hit the alley, drink beer, play for a few hours. I'd enjoy a

chick then hit the hay. Those were the days." "Why can't you do that
anymore?"
"You saw Caleb," Vaughn muttered. "You think he wants to
bowl?"
Skipping over the cousin thing, I tried to lift his mood because I sensed
he was growing angry. I also sensed an angry Outlaw was a bad thing.
"Why can you bowl with Judd? You two are best girlfriends and all
that, right?"
Vaughn gave me a little grin, but the humor was gone from his blue
eyes. "He doesn't bowl. Says the noise bothers him. I just think he
doesn't like to fucking lose."
Judd stared at Vaughn and something passed between them. If I had to
guess, Judd was telling Vaughn to settle down because I was there. As
curious as I was about the story behind Outlaw, this wasn't the time to
ask questions. Not with Vaughn on the verge of violence and Judd
appearing ready to beat the shit out of his friend for getting pissy
anywhere near me.
"I know we haven't eaten, but I'm horny," I said, shifting closer to
Judd. "Can we leave?"
Judd glanced down at me and nodded. "Later, Vaughn."
Vaughn barely acknowledged our departure. The dark look in his eyes
hid none of his rage. In fact, his mood shifted so quickly that I would
have feared him, if I didn't have Judd to protect me.
Once on our way to the condo, I asked Judd, "Why did he get so
upset?"
"Everyone has regrets."
"And?" I pushed when he didn't continue.
"Vaughn gave up his life on a whim. I suspect some days he wishes he
hadn't."
"You're not going to tell me, even after I helped smoke out the
mole?"
Judd smirked. "Not after you got me riled up like that." "Was that why
he got pissed?"
"Who the fuck knows? He's moody and alone. I was alone too.

Maybe he doesn't like that I'm not like him now? I don't really care."
"Why are you so cranky?"
Judd glared at me then turned the SUV sharply down a street before
parking in the lot behind the closed garage. The minute I saw where we
were headed, I grinned.
"You really can't wait the ten minute drive?"
Judd shut off the car and frowned at me. "My cock is so hard right now
that I can't think straight. Get in the backseat."
"Say please," I murmured then laughed while climbing between the
seats. "See you in the back, stud."
Judd slammed the door then came around to the backseat. "I've never
been so fucking hard so often. It's unhealthy."
"Shut up and make me come," I said, wiggling my jeans and panties
below my knees. "This is going to be awkward."
Judd took my legs and tilted me sideways. After somehow managing to
remove his cock from his tight jeans without injuring himself, he
shoved himself inside me.
"You're so fucking wet," he moaned, moving slower now. "I love how
wet I make you without even trying."
"You're so lazy," I murmured, stroking my clit until I came and made
noises inappropriate for car sex. "I wish I could kiss you. This isn't a
very romantic position."
"I'm going to come hard in like five seconds. Shut up and I'll kiss you
afterwards."
Laughing, I glanced at him. "Vaughn's right. You're a poet."
"Don't say another man's name while I'm fucking you."
Seeing the darkness in his eyes, I stopped laughing instantly. "Are you
really mad?"
Judd stopped thrusting and caressed my cheek. "I'm in a fucked up
mood. The way Vaughn acted around you pissed me off and I just need
to make you mine."
"I am yours."
"I feel edgy. Let me finish and I'll pull myself together." Even nodding,
my feelings were hurt suddenly. I said nothing though, unwilling to
upset him. Yet, Judd didn't continue. Instead, he

pulled out of me and lifted me into a sitting position, so we could kiss
softly. The kiss deepened, but it wasn't rough or demanding.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm not used to feeling possessive."
"It's okay," I soothed, scooting back into a good position for our
awkward car sex. "I would go wolverine on a girl who messed with my
man."
"Would you?" he asked with a sly grin. "I'd like to see that."
"I'd probably get my ass kicked," I moaned as he entered me again.
"I fight like shit."
"I'll teach you, babe," he whispered, thrusting deep and hard.
Watching him close his eyes and fill me up, I stroked myself again.
This time when I came, I brought him with me.
"Feel better?" I asked as we wrestled back into our jeans.
"A little. I need several hours of that to really be myself again. Oh, and
I' d prefer more room to play."
"I'll drive," I said, climbing into the front seat. "I've got a lead foot, so
it'll take me two minutes to get us to your place."
Judd didn't try climbing into the front seat since he was too big to do it
comfortably. I also would have burst into hysterics to see him try.
Wanting me to focus and avoid crashing his SUV, he walked around,
climbed into the passenger seat, and handed me the keys.
"Let's break a few speed limits, babe."
Ten minutes and zero speeding tickets later, we arrived at his place.
Judd was teasing me about driving his Harley when we entered the
condo and heard a woman call out his name.
Pausing in the front hallway, Judd leaned down and kissed me softly.
He sucked on my lips, nipping at them as his gaze held mine. Those
eyes hinted at fear then he shut it all away behind his walls. Taking my
hand, he walked into the main room.
"Hey, Mom," he said to a dark haired woman in the living room.
Judd's mom wasn't what I expected. For whatever reason, I imagined
her as a sort of Flo character like from the Alice show my dad watched.
A little rough around the edges with a ballsy small town vibe. Instead,
Zaria was classy. Wearing black slacks and a dressy purple top, she
looked ready for church. Her thick dark hair was brushed away from

her well made up face as she smiled at her son. Then, her blue eyed
gaze fell on me and the smile faltered a tiny bit.
I felt underdressed, plus my time with Judd in the SUV left my panties
wet. In fact, the moment Zaria's gaze focused on me, I felt certain I was
smelling up the room. Even without her saying a word or showing any
unhappiness, I felt judged unworthy.
"Mom, this is Tawny Smith. She's Cooper Johansson's future
sister-in-law."
Standing gracefully from the couch, Zaria shook my hand and said,
"She's young."
Without thinking, I blurted out, "I' m twenty four. I waitress at Denny's
and he came in and we're dating now."
Judd frowned at me slightly then walked to the kitchen to get us drinks.
"I wasn't expecting you, Mom."
"You've been so busy that I thought I would corner you into having
lunch with me."
"I just had lunch," he said from the kitchen as Zaria and I eyed each
other. "We could make plans for another time."
"Holidays are here, Judd."
"I know."
"Where's your tree?"
Walking into the living room, Judd handed me a soda. "What do I need
a tree for? The only one who cares is Pearl and she'd just climb the
damn thing."
Zaria smiled softly. "Where do you live, Tawny?"
"Meadow Brook Apartments."
The way Zaria nodded told me she knew the apartment building. "I
hope I didn't seem rude early. You look so young is all, but it's none of
my business who Judd spends time with. I'm sure if it were serious that
he would have mentioned you."
Judd frowned at his mother who didn't notice because Pearl was
rubbing white cat hair on Zaria's pants.
"Judd and I are serious," I said without thinking. "I love him and we're
not having a fling."
When Zaria showed no reaction, I sensed her years with an abusive

husband taught her how to hide her feelings. Judd though looked at me
like I had ruined his day with those words.
"Excuse us," Judd said, taking me by the arm and walking to his
bedroom where he shut the door.
"I do love you," I said, staring up at him defiantly, "and I'm not taking
back the words."
Judd moved quickly, cupping my face and kissing me hard. Realizing
he wasn't angry, I wrapped him in my arms and held on tightly, afraid
to let go. A few times, Judd pulled his lips away then returned them to
mine. Finally, he stepped out my embrace and sighed.
"I can't say those words, Tawny."
Nodding, I hugged myself and smiled. "It's okay. I mean we just met
and I' m still really fucked up and stuff."
A frowning Judd pressed a finger to my lips. "Don't."
"It's okay. I don't expect you to love me. Farah does because she doesn't
know how not to."
Judd exhaled hard and looked around. "Do you really think she'd stop if
she could?"
Remembering how I betrayed her with Travis, I nodded. "I've been a
shitty sister, but she's good enough to love me anyway."
As Judd stared at me, his walls wavered and I saw so much pain.
"Damn, babe, how have you made it this long through life?"
Stepping back, I shrugged. "I just don't want you to feel bad that you
don't feel like I do."
Judd sighed. "You read people well, but you're blind sometimes. I can't
say those words because when I say things like that out loud, I jinx
myself." Rubbing at the back of his neck, he sat on the bed and sighed
again. "When I was a kid, I said our mom would never leave and she
left a week later. I said that my brother had my back and days later he
directed our dad's rage at me. I say shit out loud and I jinx things. I'm
not superstition about ninety nine percent of stuff, but I want to keep
you in my life. Maybe I jinxed us already by saying you're mine, but
saying the words you said feels like I' m asking the damn universe to
steal you away from me."
"Steal me away how?" I asked, sitting next o him.

"You're eighteen and you might think that means nothing, but I was
eighteen once. I'm not eighteen now and I know the difference. I worry
that even without jinxing us that we have an expiration date. I don't see
us together in five years when you're stronger and healthier. I see you
with someone else and that makes me so fucking crazy that I want to hit
every man who gets near you now."
Taking his hand, I pushed aside all those negative thoughts in my head.
Judd needed reassurance, so he could depend on us.
"I never see you the way you see yourself," I said softly. "You're my
hero. The man who keeps saving me. You make me feel beautiful,
special, funny, smart, and most of all, safe. I know about your job and
how it's violent and you aren't a cuddly guy. I know that, but I also
know that with me, you have a soft way about yourself. You're the light
in the darkness for me, Judd. I see you and I feel like I can dig my way
out of all the lies I tell myself."
Judd studied me with his beautiful blue eyes. "You say those ugly
things like you only remember the hateful shit people have told you. I
wish you saw yourself the way I do. I wish you knew how beautiful and
amazing you are. You're brave too. I know you were scared in the bar
with those bikers, plus today when Vaughn got riled up and I was being
an asshole. Even afraid, you didn't run. Babe, you have so much good
in you and I think you'll figure that out one day and dump my ass for
someone who doesn't have to learn to be with you. He'll just know how
to make you happy."
I nearly laughed at the idea of any man making me feel as good as Judd,
let alone better. "I don't want that guy. When I rage at myself and think
ugly lies that I replay over and over in my head, that guy wouldn't
respond like you do. He would back off or push too hard. You are my
baby bear. You're just right for me."
Judd laughed, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. When he
sighed, I saw something lighten in his mood.
"I'd say the words, if I could. You understand that, don't you?"
"I don't need the words. I see them in your eyes right now."
Smiling, Judd watched me for a few minutes, just holding my hand. "I
understand why you lied about your age, but my mom should know

the truth. You're right when you said this isn't a fling, so she's going to
find out eventually. Might as well be today."
"The reason you want me isn't because I'm young."
"I know. I want you despite your age."
I studied his pouty face then shivered. "There is something incredibly
sexy about you when you get all drama llama." My free hand stroked
his thigh. "I still feel you inside me from earlier."
Scooting away from me, Judd grunted. "Fuck. I'm like a teenage boy
with these constant boners."
I glanced back at the bed we were sitting on. "I'm still so wet from
earlier. We could be quick."
"My mom is in the next room."
"I'll cover my mouth."
Judd laughed deeply then shuddered. "Damn, woman, you make me
crazy, but no."
"Later then," I whispered. "I'll show you how my love brings out such
qualities as endurance and creativity."
Judd' s gaze locked on mine and it was blazing hot. For a second, I was
sure we were fucking that very moment. I could already imagine him
opening me up and making me come. Judd likely imagined it too
because he stood up and stepped away.
"No."
"I wasn't asking."
Judd adjusted himself in his jeans. "Fucking Cooper with all his
sweatpants shit. I thought he was such an idiot, but now I'm worried I
might cause permanent damage to my cock having it so hard in these
damn jeans."
"A poet," I said, batting my eyes at him as I walked towards the door.
"Those jeans might not be comfy, but they sure caress your ass in the
best way."
Judd glared at me and adjusted himself again as I opened the door. We
walked out to find Zaria on the balcony. She turned when the door
opened and studied us.
"Is everything alright?"
Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, Judd nodded. "Tawny is

right about us being serious. She's not twenty four though. She's
eighteen and we met when she had some fuckers messing with her and
Cooper sent me to fix the problem."
Zaria showed no reaction. "Why would she lie about her age?" A few
moments passed as Judd and his mother held each others' gazes then
she exhaled hard. "You told her?"
"Like I said, it's not a fling."
Finally, Zaria gave me a smile that was only partly forced. "I'm glad
you've found someone special, Judd."
With his expression relaxing and a hint of a smile on his face, Judd
nodded. "Me too."
Zaria pulled her son down for a kiss on the cheek then she smiled at me.
"Well, I insist we have dinner soon, so I can get to know you." Zaria
gave me a tentative hug. Like me, I sensed she wasn't great at physical
contact. Still, she gave it a shot and I embraced her back. When she
pulled away, Zaria smiled again. "No more lies. You are what my son
wants and Judd's been alone for too long."
"I'm sorry I lied. I just didn't want you judging him."
Zaria gave me her first totally genuine smile. "You're loyal and
protective. Just what Judd needs," she said then leaned closer. "He's a
sensitive soul, you know?"
Grinning, I winked at him. "Oh, I know."
Judd just rolled his eyes, having spent half of the day teased about
being an emotional girly man.
Zaria insisted we have dinner the next night and Judd insisted he would
think about it. Ending the stalemate, I insisted we would join her.
Mostly, I wanted her to be happy enough to leave, so I could get naked
with Judd who again looked as if he needed looser jeans.
The minute the door closed behind Zaria, he locked it and glared at me.
"I can't even have a conversation with my mom without sporting a
damn boner. Stop being so fucking hot."
"Never!" I cried, running to the bedroom while yanking off my clothes.

Chapter Twenty Five
Dinner with Zaria went better than I could have dreamed. She talked
about her life easily and never asked any awkward questions. We
mostly talked about work and family. She told me a few cute stories
about Judd who apparently was a sweet shy boy. I probably shouldn't
have giggled when I heard that, but his expression killed me.
Embarrassed was a hilarious look on him.
The only awkwardness at all was when Zaria talked about her friends'
grandbabies. While she never said she wanted any herself, the
implication was clear. With Judd's brother Waylon in prison for the
next few decades, her only chance at grandbabies would come from the
son who claimed no interest in settling down. Now, he had a girlfriend
and Mom was oh so subtly hinting.
Driving to Whiskey Kirk to meet up with Farah and Cooper, I glanced
at Judd who wore a dressier shirt and crisp jeans. It was cute how he
dressed up for dinner. Well, he was dressed up for him anyway.
"I'm not sure I want kids," I said as we neared the bar. "I don't think I'd
be a good mother and I worry about having babies coming out of me
down there. Like they'd be tainted or something."
Judd never even glanced at me. "You can get a c-section and you'd be a
great mom."
Something about his tone told me that he didn't want to talk about kids.
Dinner freaked him out enough. From no commitment to baby talk was
too much for the loner. I didn't blame him. Kids freaked me out too.
"You have your mom's eyes."
Judd gave me a little smile. "She likes you. I mean, I knew she would,
but she really warmed up to you fast. Sometimes, she can't do that with
people. The woman needs her space, but she liked you a lot. Made
dinner easier."
"I like her too. She's nothing like my mom."
Judd shifted in his seat and nodded. Based on his body language, he
needed his space. Quiet worked for me too. Honestly, I thought people
talked too damn much most days.
Proving as much, Bailey descended upon me when we arrived and

told me every minute detail of her day. I couldn't help laughing though
because she was so excited to see me. I think she wanted to know about
dinner, but she was getting better about not pushing unless info was
offered.
Judd walked over to Vaughn and said nothing. Vaughn said nothing to
him either. They just stood next to each other while Tucker sat nearby
with Maddy on his lap. Cooper was sway dancing with Farah. They
were mostly making out, but she pulled away when I arrived. Cooper
looked uncomfortable in his jeans, making Farah laugh. He just rolled
his eyes then glanced at the door.
"Hint," he said.
"Not yet," Farah told him, patting his chest and causing his expression
to shift into an even needier one. "I want to dance with Tawny."
Cooper sighed and found a seat next to Tucker who caressed Maddy' s
expanding bump. Farah took my hand and started dancing. "Did dinner
go well?" "Yes. She's really nice."
"Maybe she'll be your new mom like Jodi's mine?"
"Maybe," I said, glancing at Judd who had his walls up high and wasn't
planning on letting anyone past them. Vaughn looked cranky as he
watched Tucker and Maddy coo at each other. "I think Judd needs
space. Like our relationship is moving too fast for him."
Farah slowed our dancing to the new song by Billy Joe Shaver. "Did he
say anything?"
"Judd isn't the kind of man to talk about shit. Well, he'll talk if he is
helping me with something. When he's the one in a bad place, he shuts
down. He's shutting down now."
"Cooper makes Judd sound like he isn't the kind of man to commit at
all, but he's really into you. I think if Cooper wasn't used to getting
everything he wanted, he wouldn't have known what to do with me or
would have freaked out about how fast everything happened. Judd isn't
Coop, so he'll need a little time. As long as you end up in the same
place, it doesn't matter how you get there, right?"
Smiling, I realized the slow song had shifted into something faster.

As Farah and I danced faster, bumping our hips together, Bailey joined
us. I could see she was feeling left out. Everyone had a guy or wasn't
interested in talking. She even tried to strike up a conversation with
Vaughn who acted like he couldn't hear her over the noise.
An excepted fact was that the Smith girls couldn't dance. We could
bounce and jump around, but rhythm wasn't our friend. Bailey mostly
shook her hips like she was doing the twist. Seeing her dance, I laughed
and Farah followed suit. Bailey didn't know why we were laughing, so
she laughed too.
For the next few minutes, the three of us laughed and danced like idiots.
The bar was overheated and I wanted a beer, but Judd was by the bar
and I didn't want to talk to him when he clearly didn't want to talk to
me. So I danced and pretended like I hadn't a care in the world.
Apparently, our dancing sent him over the edge because Cooper
appeared and gave Farah his horny red alert look. Laughing, she
hugged me and Bailey then walked quickly with Cooper out of the bar.
Bailey and I returned to dancing like fools. She might have the weirdest
moves, but her enthusiasm was unmatched. We slow danced for one
song then jumped around for another. Finally, Bailey leaned forward
and made a confession.
"I drank ten beers before you got here and now I've got to pee. I'll
be back."
"Should I come with you?"
"I' m peeing, not puking, so no hair holding is necessary," she said,
winking. "Get us beers, since I'm about to piss out the ones I've drunk."
Watching her go, I walked to the bar away from Judd who watched me
without looking at me. Yet, I knew he was watching because his jaw
twitched whenever a man focused too long on Bailey and me dancing.
Now, he stared into space as if in his own world. Next to him, Vaughn
looked like he was having a staring match with the overhead fan.
Studying the two of them, I realized men who became enforcers were a
special breed of weird.
I carried two beers to a table, but I didn't sit down. Mostly, I wanted to
keep an eye on Judd like he was keeping an eye on me. Remaining
casual, I wanted to know he was nearby so I wouldn't freak

out about the large number of male bikers in the place. Kirk's place was
like a way station for a lot of bikers passing through the area and they
all seemed to be there that night.
"I remember you," a voice said from just behind me. "You still have a
thing for bikers, I see."
Cold sweat broke out along my neck and back. Even as I told myself
the voice could belong to anyone, my body reacted with fear. Turning
around, I found one of the older bikers from that week. His weathered
face hadn't changed much, but I thought he seemed smaller. I guess I'd
just grown up. While I thought his name might be Saul, he was merely
one of the gang.
"Look who went and got uppity," he said, scratching at his beard.
"Nothing worse than a bitch who shows you her cunt then acts like
she's too good to fuck again."
Glancing around, I wasn't sure what to do. I could walk away or ask for
help. Those sounded right, but I was afraid no one would believe me.
This man was like the men around me. He was part of their culture.
What if they blamed me for what happened? What if Judd decided I
was too embarrassing to date anymore? A little part of me even
wondered if I might get passed around. Saul was thinking the same
thing.
"You looking for someone to double team you, baby?" he asked,
grinning. "If I remember right, you could even take three at a time."
Staring into his eyes, I wanted to run away and hide. Instead, I spit out
the word.
"Pervert."
Grabbing my forearm, he glared at me. "What did you fucking call me,
whore?"
His voice was raised just enough to catch the attention of people around
us, though the rest of the bar went about its business.
"Rapist pervert freak," I said louder, even though my voice sounded too
high pitched and odd to be mine. "You filthy raping pervert!"
"Cunt!" he roared, noticing the eyes on him. "Slutty bitch!" Watching
his hand rise to strike me, I knew I couldn't stop it. He was older than I
remembered, but he was still bigger and stronger. His

hand never came down on me though. The rapist and I both looked at
where his hand was held in place by Vaughn.
"This cocksucker loved every minute of it," Saul told Vaughn as if they
would agree and share me now.
A fist exploded against Saul's face and I was startled to find Judd next
to me. I hadn't noticed him move from the bar. Yet, once I realized he
was close, I breathed easier.
Saul fell to his knees, coughing up blood and teeth. As Judd and
Vaughn stood over him, I noticed the rest of the bar had come to a halt.
Someone even turned off the music and the silence was eerie.
"He's one of them?" Judd asked, never taking his eyes off Saul, even as
he caressed the back of my hair.
My voice gone now, I only nodded.
"What's this about?" Kirk asked, appearing next to Vaughn.
"He and his gang violated my woman," Judd said in a low tone.
"Cooper's woman too. This fucker's gotta die."
"Fuck that," Saul said. "Those girls loved it."
Judd's fist came down hard against the guy's face again and more teeth
were soon on the floor.
"When was this?" Kirk asked casually.
"Almost six years ago," I whispered, trying not to think of everyone
staring at me.
"He's gotta die, Kirk," Judd growled, his gaze hard on the injured
man.
With a look of indifference, Kirk shook his head. "No. We take him to
the barn first. Have Cooper meet us there, so we can find out about
these others. Jodi, baby, can you take Tawny to see Farah?"
Jodi and Bailey appeared next to me. While her mother looked calm,
Bailey was a ball of emotions and I'd never seen her eyes so huge.
"Judd," I whispered.
Finally, he really looked at me and smiled tightly. "We're going to
finish this, okay? You go be with your sister."
Nodding, I didn't want to leave him. Some part of me thought Saul
would say or do something to make Judd stop wanting me. It was
stupid to think Judd would listen to such a freak, but I feared he would
never

hold me again.
Yet, I left because the room was full of agitated bikers while Kirk was
exuding the hostility he used to keep people in check. Saul was going to
disappear and no one would mention ever seeing him. If someone did
mention what happened, that person would disappear next.
Kirk didn't have to say those words. Not after years in the business, first
for the Memphis mob then with his own motorcycle club. People
understood a reckoning was coming and they needed to get the fuck out
of the way.
Once in the backseat of Jodi's SUV, Bailey lit into a round of
obscenities. She was so loud next to me that I flinched away from her.
Finally, when Jodi reached a light, she turned around and told Bailey to
calm down. Mother and daughter exchanged frowns then Jodi
motioned to me as if reminding Bailey why she was upset in the first
place.
Turning towards me, Bailey sighed hard like she was still revving up
for more cussing.
"That fucker needs to die."
"It'll be taken care of," Jodi said.
"The motherfucker will scream. He's going to piss himself in pain. He'll
beg to die."
"Bailey, calm down," Jodi warned again.
This time, she listened to her mother and the car felt too quiet without
Bailey raging. Minutes passed as we neared the house. Next to me,
Bailey trembled and I finally looked at her. Her wet eyes were huge
again.
"What's the right way to handle this?" she asked, her voice breaking.
"You're doing fine, Bay."
Nodding, she started bawling while rocking me against her. "I wish he
was dead a million times."
"Me too."
"He'll be dead soon," Jodi promised from the front seat. "I wish he was
dead before he ever met you," Bailey whimpered. "I wish they all
were."
"It'll be okay," I soothed, calming us both.

"You must have been so scared. You were just a little girl." "I'm not a
little girl anymore."
Wiping her eyes, Bailey hugged me tighter. We stayed like that until
reaching the house where Cooper stood on the porch. Based on his
body language, he was desperate to reach his target. While Farah wasn't
with him, he kept looking back into the house through the open front
door. As soon as we approached, his gaze fell on me.
"This ends," he said as if making a promise.
"Thank you."
Cooper nodded then he stalked to his Harley and sped off. Jodi walked
into the house and was hugging Farah when Bailey and I entered. The
moment my sister's gaze locked on me, we were kids again.
The expression on Farah's face was the same one as when we arrived
back at the motorcycle club's headquarters. Travis and his VP Tadd
would get us first, but there was some discussion about the order of the
next guys. Up until that moment, I think Farah hoped we wouldn't be
hurt. When Travis said he was fucking her first, Farah's expression
shifted into bright frozen panic. Tonight, her face was frozen with that
look again.
When I rushed into her arms, she consoled me even though she was the
one crying.
"You're safe," she said as I stroked her hair. "He can't hurt you." "Judd
and Cooper will take care of him."
Farah looked at me with those big horrified eyes and asked the question
only she would truly understand to ask. "Do you need a shower?"
"Yes," I said, tears biting at my eyes. "He touched my arm."
Nodding, Farah looked at Bailey and Jodi. "We're going upstairs, so
she can shower."
"We'll stay until the boys get back," Jodi said, heading to the kitchen.
"You clean up and we'll make popcorn. Drink some beer and
watch TV."
As I walked with Farah up the stairs, Bailey watched us go. She looked
shell shocked as if nothing made sense anymore.
Farah took me to her shower because it was bigger. After finding

me clothes, she sat on the toilet while I showered.
Expecting to cry, I didn't. Instead, I felt hollowed out and chilled even
under the hot water. Scrubbing at my forearm where he touched me, I
still felt his dirty fingers. Finally, I gave up and left the shower,
smelling of Cooper's body wash. The minute the scent hit Farah, she
smiled a little.
"I hope they're okay," she said, sounding tired.
"There's a group of them and only one fucker. I wouldn't worry."
"I can't believe he came to our town. Ellsberg is ours and I never
thought one of them would come here."
"It's fate."
Nodding, Farah helped dry my hair. When she was tense, she needed to
take care of me. I always let her because I liked having her close. Even
with Farah at my side, I needed Judd to return and help me feel
beautiful again. I needed that more than anything, but he was busy
making a rapist bleed.
Downstairs, I sat on the couch with Bailey on one side and Farah on the
other. Jodi sat in a chair nearby as we watched Duck Dynasty and drank
beers. Bailey stared at the television, but clearly wasn't watching it.
Next to me, Farah broke into shaking spells and I'd cuddle with her.
She immediately consoled me like I knew she would. Comforting me
took her mind off her own fear.
As hours passed, the exhaustion of the day hung heavily on me. I had
been nervous about dinner with Zaria and spent most of the day
stressed. Even after that went well, the day turned to shit and I was
desperate for sleep. Closing my eyes and seeing Saul's face wasn't an
option though. Not when I still felt him on my arm and his stinky breath
on my neck.
When Cooper and Judd returned, we jumped at the suddenness of their
appearance. Farah jumped up and ran to Cooper who looked pissed
until she was in his arms. Even wanting to run to Judd and be certain of
his feelings, I remained where I was next to Bailey.
Judd stepped closer and gave a little head gesture to Jodi. When his
gaze fell on me, he said softly, "We need to talk."
Four little words that I assumed wouldn't lead to anything good. I

hugged Jodi and Bailey goodnight then one tight hug for Farah. Finally,
I followed Judd to my bedroom and shut the door. He pulled off his
jacket and threw it on the chair. This little action lifted my spirits, since
he clearly wasn't leaving immediately.
"You did good tonight," he said, fiddling with his phone like I was an
afterthought. "Standing up to him like that was pretty badass."
"Thank you," I said awkwardly while playing with my crucifix
necklace.
Hearing my tone, Judd stared coldly at me and I felt small under his
gaze. When he approached, I flinched at the suddenness of his
movements. Frowning now, Judd sighed.
"It makes sense that you'd have ugly thoughts after tonight. You need
to put them aside though and see this."
On his phone, a video began to play of Saul who was a mess of swollen
eyes and broken bones as he cowered on the ground.
"Say it," Judd ordered on the video.
"She didn't want it. They were just girls, but their dad owned us money
and we took them instead. We didn't give them no choice. They were
crying and begging. They didn't want that shit."
Judd stopped the video. "Do you understand?"
Even nodding, I didn't care about the rapist's words. I wanted to know if
Judd still want me? I needed his reassurance more than anything.
Before I could ask, Judd fiddled with his phone until another video
started.
In this one, Saul was crying in a corner of the barn and I heard dogs
growling in the background. Someone let the dogs loose and they
descended on the screaming man. While I expected them to go for the
jugular like attack dogs, they tore at his legs and torso first. They killed
him slowly until his screams finally ended.
This time when Judd turned off the video, he placed the phone on the
dresser. "You never tell anyone I showed you that. Do you
understand?"
"Yes."
"I wanted you to see how he was gone from this fucking world and
would never touch you again."

"Thank you."
As Judd brushed hair away from my face, I saw his knuckles were
busted open. Gently, I kissed each knuckle.
"When you look at me now," I said, "do you think of him fucking me
and me coming?"
Taking my face into his battered hands, Judd stared at me like he was
fighting between anger and sadness.
"How can you fucking ask me that?"
"Is that a no?"
"When I think about him, I think of how he hurt you and needed to die.
I never thought of you wanting it. You saw what he said. Even he knew
you didn't want it."
"You were torturing him. He would have said anything."
Judd opened his mouth and I sensed he wanted to yell or at least show
anger. Instead, he swallowed the irritation and sighed.
"I love you, Tawny," he said, caressing my cheek. "I fucking love you
and nothing changes that fact."
"What about the jinx?" I asked weakly, savoring those words in my
head.
"I' m fighting to keep you and fuck the jinx. Besides, I could see how
much you needed to hear the words."
"I did," I whimpered. "I tried to be strong, but I felt so dirty tonight.
Everyone looked at me and knew what that fucker did. I needed to
come back from that and know you still thought I was beautiful."
Judd smiled softly. "When you stood up to him, you were never more
beautiful to me."
"He would have kicked my ass, if you and Vaughn hadn't stopped
him."
"That's the point," he said, leading me to the bed where we sat. "You
remembered him hurting you and could have let him walk away and
kept quiet. I know you and how you wouldn't trust everyone to believe
you. Yet, you stood up to him anyway. I was so fucking proud of you
when you held your head up and stared into his ugly face. You were
scared and shaking, but you didn't back down. How could I not love the
girl I saw tonight?"

The tears broke forward and I showed him my forearm. "He touched
me. He's dead, but I can still feel him."
"Here?" Judd asked, studying my arm. "Do you feel him here?"
Running his fingers over the skin, Judd lifted my arm to his lips. I didn'
t want him touching the tainted skin, yet he sucked gently on my arm.
"You smell clean, babe." "I love you."
Judd caressed my arm with his lips. "Who does this arm belong
to?"
"You."
"No one else." "Never anyone else."
The flicker of doubt in Judd's eyes disappeared as he gave me a little
grin. "I need to clean up. Do you want to come in with me and celebrate
the fucker's death?"
"Yes, please."
Judd pulled me to my feet and into an embrace. Shuddering at how
warm he felt in my arms, I noticed how the beating of his heart eased
my hurt.
"Thank you for saying the words," I said, gazing up at him.
"You're mine, angel. I don't know if you'll change your mind one day,
but I'm doing everything I can to keep that from happening."
"You're mine too and I'm never letting you go."
Once in the shower, Judd scrubbed off quickly. Then, he washed me
down while exploring every part of me and claiming me with his touch.
Coming from his touch, I wept against him, even though I felt safe
now. I felt loved too as the ugliness faded away, just echoes in my
mind.
Judd lifted me into his arms as the hot water warmed us and I sighed at
the feel of him inside me. Carefully, he brought us to the brink and had
us go over the edge together. In every way, Judd was claiming me.
As we dried off, Judd demanded, "Say you're mine." The dark look in
Judd's eyes was intense. The angry tension in his expression made me
feel like someone had doubted his right to me and

he was proving them wrong. "I'm yours forever."
"I won't let you go. Even if you want to leave, I won't be able to let you
leave."
"Wait, are you threatening me?" I asked, squinting at him.
"I'm threatening the guy who tries to take you away."
"What's he like?" I teased, stepping away from his curious fingers.
"How does he woo me from my man?"
"Who cares? He'll be dead before he touches you."
"Because I' m yours?" I said, backing up towards the bed. "Because I' ll
always be yours?"
Watching me slide under the covers and hold them up for him, Judd
gave me a soft smile. "You really are my angel."
"And you'll always be my knight."

Chapter Twenty Six
Waking up next to Judd, I smiled at the sight of him in the pink sheeted
bed. His skull tattoo looked especially silly surrounded by so much
frilliness. I wanted to reach out and touch the tattoo, caress my fingers
over the inked flesh then follow with my lips and tongue. Knowing he
destroyed one of the monsters who once destroyed me, I wanted to
claim every inch of Judd. Yet, he was tired after a long stressful night,
so I kept my hands to myself. Despite my self-control, Judd likely felt
me watching him because he opened his eyes.
"How you feeling, babe?"
"Tired."
"Want to sleep more?"
"No."
"Want to climb over here and wake me up real soft like?" "Yes,
please."
"Fuck," he groaned. "I love when you say please like that."
"Do my good manners turn you on, stud?" I asked, straddling him.
"May I please slide your cock in me now, sir?"
Judd laughed as his fingers went to my nipples. "Sure. Have at it, ma'
am"
Stroking him between my legs, I softly scratched at his chest. "Thank
you for letting me fuck you this morning. Now, please make me come
so hard I lose the ability to make noise and wake up my sister."
Grinning, Judd pulled me down for a kiss. What began as tender
quickly grew heated when he nipped at my lower lip. By the time I slid
back and he filled me, Judd looked like a man possessed.
"You're mine," he nearly growled. "Never forget that."
"Stop bossing me around," I muttered, moving faster. "And stroke me
clit. You're so lazy sometimes."
Judd' s hungry expression softened and he sucked on a few fingers,
wetting them nicely before stroking me. Quickly, I slapped a hand over
my mouth and kept from waking the house.
As soon as I caught my breath, Judd rolled me onto my back and
thrusted hard into me. Again, he seemed possessed with something

between fear and anger. I held onto his arms and enjoyed every thrust.
When I knew he was close, yet fighting the urge, I stroked myself and
tightened around him as I came. The sensation was too much and Judd
let go. Resting over me, he studied my face, tracing it with his index
finger.
"Cooper, Tucker, Kirk, me, and few guys are hunting down the other
bastards that hurt you. The fucker last night spilled info on his buddies.
Once we kill them, you'll never have to worry about another one
showing up."
My hands caressed his chest, stroking the tattoo with punctured heart.
He looked so beautiful in the early morning light that I felt blessed to
have him.
"I love you, Judd."
"I love you too, babe," he said, finally pulling out before resting next to
me. "Vaughn can't go with us because we'll pass into territory that's not
safe for him. Since he's staying, he'll watch over you and Farah. That's
another thing. I want you to stay here with your sister while I' m gone.
Can you do that?"
Nodding, I nuzzled his chest. "Do you think it's safe for you to go after
them?"
"They're a small club. Nobodies really and they won't see us coming.
It'll be fine, but I need you to be safe, so I can concentrate. You know
how you distract me."
Grinning, I caressed one of his nipples. "On purpose too."
"My angel does have her naughty side."
"I'll miss you."
"I doubt I'll sleep good until I'm back," he said then took a deep breath.
"When I get back, I want you to move into my place."
Swallowing hard, I gave him a grin. Mostly, I fought not to scream and
jump up and down with excitement. "Are you sure?"
"I need you with me. It's stupid to pretend like you aren't already living
with me when you're there every night. Besides, Pearl needs a woman
around the house."
"I'll give you space when you need it," I said, stroking his face and
ready for another around to celebrate this new arrangement. "I know

you're not used to sharing a space with someone and I'll be cool about
it."
Judd' s eyes looked so pale in the morning light as they studied my face.
"We just fit. It makes no sense, but I don't feel right unless you're
around. Even just sitting somewhere doing nothing, it's not good for me
unless you're sitting next to me doing nothing too."
"I want to sit next to you doing nothing forever," I said, stroking his
cock.
"You're quite the poet yourself," he said, hardening in my hand.
"One more and we'll have breakfast. I need to see Farah and..."
Judd' s finger tugged at a nipple and I forgot everything else. Maybe
sensing this, he kissed me and didn't stop until we were done.
All of the sex, including the shower fun, relaxed me to the point of
making a nap look inviting. Instead, we walked downstairs where
Cooper hid in the office while Farah sat out on the deck in the cool
morning.
Judd poured me a cup of coffee then grabbed my jacket and slid it on
me. "Sometimes, only one person will make things better."
Giving Judd a soft kiss, I left him to join Farah outside. She glanced
back at me when I opened the door. Looking tired, she only managed a
weak smile before returning her gaze to the backyard finely dusted with
frost.
Farah and I sat in silence for several minutes. She was fighting the
memories, but our past showed up in her new life to taint everything.
All these years, Farah used her walls to hide from the pain, but those
walls were down because of Cooper. Nothing protected her anymore
from remembering.
Nothing had ever protected me from the memories of that week.
Somehow, my daily damage helped me deal with the pain of the night
before. This was a new beginning for us, if we could face what we
wished would disappear, but never could.
"I' m sorry," I said softly, watching a squirrel make its way up a
tree.
"For what, Tawny?" Farah asked in a hushed voice.
"When Travis would fuck me in front of you," I said, causing

Farah to tense immediately, "I would orgasm. I know it seemed like I
liked it or him, but I didn't. I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't care that
he hurt you."
Eyes moistening, Farah frowned. "I never thought you liked it."
"They were always talking about how much I liked it though. How I' d
come. They told Dad he could make a lot of money off me. I was
ashamed for you to think that I wanted those fuckers, but I can see why
you'd believe I was into it."
"I never did," Farah whispered, taking my hand. "I would never
think that."
"I really didn't want to come. I hated him and I knew he hurt you. I
would hear you screaming and I knew he was a monster. I shouldn't
have come. I would try not to, but I couldn't control it."
Moving closer, Farah wrapped an arm around me as I cried. "You did
nothing wrong. I saw how scared you were and how much they hurt
you. I always felt guilty for not protecting you."
"How could you protect me?"
"I would think about that day when Mom ran away and I realized they
were taking us. I kept thinking I should have fought them, so you could
run away. I should have saved you."
"I wouldn't have run though," I told her, wiping a tear from her cheek.
"I wouldn't have left you."
"I know, but I still didn't even think to protect you."
"You did a lot. With Mom and Dad, there were times you got hit so I
wouldn't. I always knew you protected me when you could."
Farah rocked me for a few minutes then sighed. "I hated how they
passed you around. I felt guilty for how I mostly had to be with Travis,
but you just got torn apart by them all. I should have told you years ago
how you did nothing wrong. I shouldn't have let you think I thought
you wanted them."
"We never talked about it."
"We tried that one time."
Nodding, I cuddled her tighter. "I saw how upset it made you and I
made you stop talking. You were always so good at pretending to be
normal and I wanted you to be able to pretend. I never could pretend

very well."
"Here with Cooper and Judd, we don't have to pretend anymore. We
have friends and a new family and we can stop lying."
Nuzzling her hair, I forced a smile. "You made all of this happen,
Farah. If you hadn't come here and built a new life, I'd still be trapped
with Dad or sold off to some bastards. Our lives would be trash, if you
hadn' t gotten away and sent for me."
Farah gave me a soft smile and I saw how much she needed to know I
still looked up to her. How I still needed her.
"I never stopped believing we could have a good life. Sometimes, I felt
like I was lying to myself, but I wouldn't give up. We deserved to have
what our parents stole from us. What those men stole from us. We can
have it now."
"Because of you."
"And you. I might have fallen apart here, if I hadn't known I had one
person who loved the real me. I might never have let Cooper in, if not
for you."
"So we're equally awesome then," I said and Farah laughed in an
exhausted way. "Did you sleep at all last night?"
"No. Coop was pissed and making plans and talking about how he
wanted to kill those guys. I was mostly shocked that one of them would
show up here."
"It's fate. The universe wanted them dealt with and now they will be.
Judd said those guys hurt other girls and it was a normal thing for them.
For Judd and Coop, it's about revenge, but I just don't want anyone else
to get hurt like we did."
Farah stared out at the rustling trees as a cold breeze shook everything
around us. Finally, she admitted her fear.
"I worry about them going there and getting hurt."
"I know, but this thing needs to end. Once they're dead, the world will
be a few shades more beautiful. I really need more beauty too."
As Farah studied me, I saw a few emotions in her eyes. "It's been harder
for you."
"It's my fault. I never dreamed, so tomorrow always looked like it
would be as crappy as today. Now, because I'm here, I'm learning to

dream."
"I'm glad you found Judd."
"He said he loved me," I said, smiling like crazy as I replayed his words
in my head. "He also said he wants me to live with him. Judd was my
first real dream and I can't believe a life with him is coming true. I want
to enjoy my life and it'll easier to do that when those men are gone.
When I never have to worry about seeing one at the store or know
they're hurting someone while I'm enjoying my life. I can't be free until
they're destroyed."
"I don't know if I'll ever believe they're really gone."
"Judd is going to show me on his phone," I whispered. "He's going to
take pictures and show me. I shouldn't want to see that, but I do. I need
to know they begged like they made us beg. I want to watch them suffer
and know they died remembering what they did to us. If Judd would let
me, I'd go with them."
Farah eyed me like I was someone she didn't know. Then, she smiled.
"When Cooper said he wanted you to work for him, I thought he was
fucking nuts. I hated the idea and I whined until he backed off, but I
was seeing you as a kid and you're a woman now. A ballsy woman, so
if you want to help Cooper with his business then I'm going to support
that. Coop needs loyal people and there's no one more loyal than you."
Hugging her against me, I sighed. "For so many years, I wanted to tell
you sorry because of what I did. I was afraid you wouldn't forgive me
though. Our parents were stupid to keep quiet about stuff that needs to
be said and I'm glad we talked this morning."
"When you moved out, I thought you might resent me for having nice
things, even though I didn't protect you."
Wiping my wet cheeks, I reached out and dried hers too. "I love you
and everything is going to be better now. We're going to make life
better."
"As long as we have each other, we can face things. No more hiding."
"No more lies. Our parents fucking suck and we shouldn't be like
them."
When Farah nodded, I decided to blurt out my last big secret.

"Dad planned to pimp me out to pay his debts," I whispered as the
sounds of nearby kids startled us. "When he freaked out and hit me, he
said I had a skill, but was too fucking uppity to use it."
Farah's expression hardened. "If we find him, I want him dead too. I
never want him ruining our lives again."
"I've hated him for a long time, but I thought you wouldn't understand."
"Until I got away, I don't think I could admit what he really was and I
hid from the truth. No more hiding." "We'll never hide again."
On that cold morning, just weeks before our first happy Christmas, we
made a promise to be more than the lies and pain of our past. In that
moment, we were freer than we'd ever been before. Looking into her
tired eyes, I felt the change in Farah. The way she smiled made me
think she saw the change in me too. We were officially starting over as
new women.

Chapter Twenty Seven
The days with Judd out of town were eventful. After Aaron finished my
tattoo, I spent twenty minutes staring in awe at how a beautiful work of
art was on my body. Farah looked so impressed that I suspected she
might get a tat one day too. While Lark had wanted to come along and
see if Aaron could fix her partially complete wingless butterfly tattoo,
step brother issues prevented her from joining us. As happy as I was to
have my tattoo, I mostly wished Judd was there to tell me his opinion.
Staying over at Farah's house allowed us lots of time to make wedding
plans. With Skye out of the wedding, Farah was pressed to find a new
bridesmaid since she wanted the same number as Cooper's groomsmen.
Once Lark came over for lunch and charmed everyone with her happy
personality, Farah found her missing bridesmaid and my little group of
friends felt complete.
Farah and I used those days alone to bond. We did each other's hair and
painted our nails. Staying up late, we talked about the sexy traits of our
missing men. Afterwards, we shared a bed to avoid bad dreams. The
anti-depressant might have kicked in too because I managed to go most
of the time without overly negative thoughts. Even when I missed Judd
the most, I didn't automatically imagine him fucking a woman prettier
than me.
Judd returned during the last hour of my Friday shift. Without seeing
him coming as I wiped a table, I knew something was up because two
large burly men flinched. Turning, I found Judd moving fast towards
me. Before I could speak, his hands cupped my face and his lips were
on mine. Murmuring at the deepening kiss, I tossed aside the wash
towel and wrapped my arms around his waist. He felt like perfection.
Judd pulled away and stated to speak then his gaze focused on the two
men watching us and smiling. His dark stare killed their enthusiasm
and they returned to eating.
"Back less than a minute and you're already losing me tips," I teased,
causing Judd to smile grudging. "You taste like peppermint."
"I slept for shit and chewing gum keeps me alert."

Caressing his lips, I couldn't stop grinning. "You're so fucking beautiful
and you're mine. How did that happen?"
Judd finally gave me a great smile. "I laid eyed on you and was done
for."
"Do you plan to hang around? Can I get you anything?" Judd walked to
a nearby booth, slid in, then pulled me next to him. "Coffee would be
great, but first I want to enjoy the view." "Did everything go okay?"
"It's done. I'll tell you more later."
Nodding, I ran my fingers under his leather jacket and caressed the hard
flesh hiding just past the tee.
"Do you want me to sleep over at your place?" I asked, hoping his plans
hadn' t changed.
Knowing what I was asking, Judd leaned over and nipped at my neck.
"After your shift, we'll go to the apartment, grab a few things, and head
home. We'll pick up the rest of your stuff later. Also, Kathy will round
us up groceries, so you and I can spend the next few days hibernating."
"I have work tomorrow," I sighed against his cheek.
"Give your notice. Cooper said he's hiring you on as his assistant. Your
work duties will be figured out later, but he wants you around. That
way, if he doesn't trust something or needs your skills, it won't seem
strange for you to show up. Plus, this way you'll have hours open
during the day, so I can train you. Get these muscles tight."
Grinning, I ignored the men that Judd was again glaring at because they
were watching our affection.
"If I get stronger, won't that also help my endurance and
flexibility?"
Judd looked away from the men and into my eyes. "Shit, I missed
you."
Laughing, I cuddled against him for another few minutes then
squirmed away to fetch him coffee.
Soon, I was on the back of his Harley for a quick stop at the apartment.
Feeling like a stranger's place now, I shoved clothes and basics into a
backpack then followed Judd to the bike. He glanced

around like everything about the place irritated him. Mainly, he was
annoyed by the college guys wrestling around in the lamest example of
touch football I'd ever seen.
"Drunk at four is a sign of a fucking moron," Judd muttered, eyeballing
the guys.
"Who cares? I don't live here anymore, right?"
Judd gave me a half grin. "It's just storing your shit until we move
everything to our place."
I licked at his lips before climbing on behind him. "You're so fucking
sexy when you get all domesticated."
Judd squirmed on the Harley as his jeans ran out of room. "We need to
get you naked."
"Break a few speed limits then, stud."
Giving me a cocky smile, Judd proceeded to drive like a man involved
in a race for his life. We nearly drove on the sidewalk at one point. By
the time we reached his parking garage, I was frazzled, yet excited to
see what all of Judd's pent up need would feel like inside me.
Riding up in the elevator, Judd kissed me as he removed my backpack
and held it in one hand. Once we were at his place, he fumbled with the
keys, too wired to keep his hand steady. I didn't make things easier by
leaning against him and laughing at his desperation.
"Normally, I have Kathy dump the junk mail," Judd said, pushing the
door open. "I told her to save it though, since I figured you might see
something you'd want for your collection."
Touched by his gesture, I smiled up at Judd and made a little
confession. "I came over once to check on Pearl. I also got naked and
rolled around in your bed."
"Fuck," he said, dropping the bags and tossing me over his shoulder.
"No more wasting time."
As he walked us through the living room, the cat looked up from her
perch and meowed at him.
"Hey, Pearl, I'll be busy for a few hours. We'll talk later."
Hours passed, yet only our growling stomachs stopped the fun. Judd
walked his naked ass into the kitchen, found a menu, and called the
restaurant to order a ton of Chinese. Once he slapped cash on the
counter

for when the delivery arrived, he returned to me in bed. I laughed at
how he barely missed a thrust in the whole endeavor.
When the food arrived, Judd slid on a pair of sweat shorts and answered
the door. I dug out a pair of panties and one of Judd's wife beaters. The
minute he saw me in the oversized tank that didn't even come close to
covering my breasts, I suspected we were heading back to
bed.
"I' m yours," I promised and the intense look in his blue eyes faded a
little.
"I really fucking missed you, Tawny."
Smiling, I smelled the food and shivered. "I missed you too, but we're
not leaving here for a few days. No more missing each other."
"I hated waking up without you next to me," he said, having set the
food down and now playing with a lock of my hair. "I hated not hearing
your voice or seeing your smile. Once I let myself need you, I can't live
without that feeling."
"Have I mentioned how much I love you?" I asked, leaning against him
as he dumped mounds of food on two plates.
Judd grinned then glanced over the food. "We need to carbo load."
Laughing, we walked to the living room where he turned on the TV
while we ate. After a few minutes, Judd sighed. "Christmas is almost
here and we need a tree."
Stopping mid-chew, I smiled up at him. "The only time I've had a tree
was when we visited my grandma for Christmas."
"I never bought one for the place. It's just me, so what was the point?
You' re here now and we need a tree."
"Can we get one of those small plastic ones this year?" I asked,
thinking of all the work involved in getting a real tree. "I saw some
pretty ones at Kmart that don't need maintenance or decorating. We'll
keep it low key."
Judd gave me a tired grin. "I' m glad you suggested that because I really
didn't want to deal with a real tree this year. We will need presents
though. I haven't even gotten something for my mom."
"After a few days of hibernating, we'll get everything ready for
Christmas. Oh, and Farah wants me to come to the house for Christmas

Eve. Will you come with me?"
Rolling his eyes, Judd continued eating. "Like I'd hang out here alone
while my woman eats cookies and drinks beer."
"I' m really excited about my life," I said, watching him intently. "I feel
amazing in a way I've never felt before and it's because of you."
Brushing hair away from my face, Judd studied me. "You're an angel
with those eyes, babe."
As I smiled, Judd set aside his plate then took mine. "Let's go do
something."
"Can't we finish eating first? I need to load more carbs."
Judd smirked as he pulled me to my feet then tugged me into the
bathroom. With his back facing the mirror, I caught a glimpse of the
pirate ship tattoo before I looked away.
"I want you to see your eyes."
Panic struck me and I tried to pull away. "I don't want to."
"Peek around my shoulder and see your eyes just for a few seconds. Do
it for me as a reward for sharing my home with a chick, even though I
swore I never would. I was such a fool to think I could say no once I
met you."
Grinning weakly at his comment, I asked, "Just my eyes. Not my
mouth. I hate my mouth."
Judd kissed the mouth I hated then sighed. "Only your eyes this time.
Just for a few seconds, so you can see what I see."
Holding onto him as I tilted to my left, I caught a glimpse of my hair
and panicked. Pulling back, I took a breath then tried again, this time
focusing on his tattoo. Slowly, I moved my gaze from the reflection of
the pirate ship to the eyes I hadn't really seen in years. They were
afraid, but browner than I remembered.
"I have my dad's eyes," I whispered.
"Fuck your stupid dad. Don't think about him. Think about what I see
when I look at you. See what I see and you can learn to love yourself
the way I love you."
His words giving me courage, I noticed a change in the mirror. "When I
think about you and how good you feel against me, my eyes get
pretty."

Judd glanced over his shoulder and looked into the mirror. "They're
fucking gorgeous. I could stare at them forever and I plan to."
Moving safely away from the reflection, I stared up at him and smiled.
"I feel brave when I have you with me."
"You make me brave too, angel. I never wanted anything more than
what I had because I might lose it. When I'd see Kirk playing family
man, I'd think that was never going to be me. Hell, sometimes having
Pearl around was too damn much. Now, I think about what he has and it
seems possible because you'll be with me."
Judd took my hand and we walked back to the couch. "When I was on
the road, I saw this commercial about Disneyworld and I thought about
how ridiculous it would be for me to be there, playing family man like
Kirk does. I tried to imagine pushing one of those stroller things and it
seemed stupid. Then, I imagined you walking next to me and it wasn't
so stupid. It was something possible."
"I' m not ready to have a kid," I blurted out.
Judd sighed. "Thank God. Neither am I."
Grinning, I caressed his lips. "But one day, when I'm who I need to be,
I think I would be ready. I just need to focus on you and me for a
while."
"Yes, a million times, yes."
"Why did you bring it up, if you're so against having kids?"
"Not having kids," Judd said, running a hand through his dark hair.
"Just having them now. I' m still not sure if I can be a decent man for
you, so piling the responsibility of being a dad on top of that is too
fucking much. I might be older than you, but when it comes to
commitment, I' m as immature as a pasty faced teenager."
"I find your immaturity really sexy," I said, leaning back on the couch
and lifting my legs into the air. "See how wet it makes me?"
Judd stared longingly at my panties then exhaled uneasily. "This food
can be reheated."
"It'll have to be," I said, pulling the wife beater down to show off my
hard nipples. "All the talk of babies, Disneyworld, mirrors, and every
other damn thing that comes out of your mouth got me all kinds of
worked up."

As Judd ran his index finger down the slit of my panties, I moaned.
"I have a confession," he said, sliding off the couch and kissing my
panties. "I love polka dots on a chick."
"I love polka dots too, but please take them off and show me what else
you love." Judd lifted a brow and waited. "Please," I added and he
grinned.
"My woman has the best manners," Judd said, but I had already lost the
ability to respond as his fingers began exploring.
Only hours home and Judd was already making me happier and
stronger than I ever imagined.

Chapter Twenty Eight
Christmas shopping was one of the best experiences in my life. Judd
and I decided our gifts should be sexy clothes for me from Victoria's
Secret. First we shopped for family. Judd bought a few smelly candles
for his mom, a gift card at a classy older woman's store, plus a plush red
bathrobe. I found a pretty red sweater for Farah, a bright pink sweat suit
for Bailey, several cute tees for Lark, and a sexy red babydoll for
Cooper who would enjoy Farah wearing it.
Finally, Judd and I focused on picking our Christmas gifts for each
other.
We ended up spending over two thousand dollars at Victoria's Secret
on everything from bras and nightgowns to shorts and sweats.
Anything polka dotted was a must. The most entertaining part was how
seriously Judd took our search for the perfect clothes for my hot body
and his horny enjoyment. He even bought something called a bandeau
that looked like a tube top and wasn't very functional. It was polka
dotted though and Judd felt me wearing polka dots was the hottest thing
in the world. Well, he also enjoyed stripping the polka dots off me.
In the dressing room with him, I suffered from the worst kind of
giggles. Plus, the intense look on his face made me certain we would
fuck right there. Giving him a naughty grin, I watched him shiver with
lust.
"Stop teasing," he growled.
"We can keep one of the sexy outfits for tonight, but the rest are
Christmas presents. That way we'll have lots of stuff to open. I really
like opening presents even when I know what's inside and even if I
know I' ll hate it. When I was little, my grandma would buy me blocks
to help my brain get better or something. I hated blocks, but I loved the
wrapping."
Judd caressed my jaw line and smiled softly. "I'm having Kathy track
down the nicest fucking wrapping paper on the planet for your first
Christmas with me."
The tenderness in his gaze shot heat to every nerve in my body.
Instantly, I stripped off the new stuff and yanked on my clothes.

"Let's get back home. I have needs, stud."
"I bet you do," he said, giving me a cocky grin. "Oh, and I want the red
and white babydoll for tonight."
"Sure, whatever. Let's go," I said, shoving my feet into boots. "Please,
thank you, mother may I. Whatever I need to say to make this happen."
Laughing, Judd followed after me and quickly paid for the bags of
goodies. Even wanting him inside me, I insisted we bring everything
upstairs before having fun. In fact, while I slid into the babydoll he
liked so much, Judd put together the little white Christmas tree. By the
time I appeared to tempt him into nudity, the living room flashed with
pink and blue colors.
"It's a little girl's tree," he said before glancing at me. "Holy hell." "Do
you not like the tree?"
"It's fucking awesome," he said, peeling off his shirt. "I don't know if I
want you naked or to keep you in that while I..."
Grinning, I swayed my hips and made the babydoll's material swing.
"Let's see how long you can keep this on me?" "Shit."
"I know you're horny when you lose the ability to speak in anything
other than cuss words."
"Fuck."
Laughing, I turned away and leaned against the bed before swinging
my butt for him.
"I' m waiting," I said softly, "Hell," he said, truly unable to form other
words. My laughter died as he stripped down and began to explore. The
thin matching panties were soon slid over, so his tongue could get a
taste. Gasping, I spread my legs wider and we sighed in unison once he
filled me completely.
"Best Christmas ever," I moaned as he started thrusting. Judd groaned.
"What you said."
Later, we cuddled under a blanket on the couch and watched the tree.
With a little smile on his face, Judd glanced at Pearl who was
fascinated by the flashing lights.

"This is nice," he finally said. "Not smothering, but comfortable and
relaxed."
"Tomorrow, we'll go to Farah's and do the family thing. Are you ready
for that?"
"As long as I don't have to sing or do a lot of smiling, it'll be fine."
"Your mom is coming for Christmas dinner. Will you sing then?"
"Only if she gives me her disappointed mom look."
"Vaughn is coming too. I hope that's okay."
Judd exhaled hard. "Maybe you ought to have asked me that before you
invited him?"
"But you might have said no and I wasn't looking for a disagreement.
He has no one to spend Christmas with."
"I know he gets lonely during the holidays, but he's always weird
around you. If that happens on Christmas, I'm beating his head in with a
pipe."
"Where will you get the pipe?" I asked, licking his shoulder. Judd
grinned. "Let's keep the sexy Christmas presents stuff to ourselves,
okay?"
"What if your mom asks what we got each other?" "We lie."
"Yeah, honesty is for suckers."
Judd cupped my face in his strong hand. "Are you happy, angel?"
"I'm happier than I've ever been in my whole life."
Judd pulled me closer. "Just remember that when I act like an asshole
and you want out."
"Roger that, stud," I said, kissing his jaw. "You could also not act like
an asshole. It might save us some time."
"You'd think, but nope."
Laughing, I relaxed against him and soaked in this new life we were
building. Here in our home with our girly tree and fascinated cat, we
prepared to share our first Christmas together.

Chapter Twenty Nine
Arriving at the house for Christmas Eve dinner, I was surprised when
Farah opened the door and lunged into my arms. I held her against me
as she nearly smothered me with affection. Even without saying a
word, I knew she felt overwhelmed by her first great Christmas. Finally
achieving a life like Mrs. Prescott's, Farah worried she'd ruin her good
fortune.
"We got a tree," I told Farah as she finally eased out of my arms. "A
little one, but it's pretty. Girly too. More proof that I own Judd's hot
ass."
"Fuck yeah, you do," he said, giving a sly grin.
"Don't cuss in front of baby Jesus," I warned, gesturing towards the
lawn ornaments.
Sighing, Judd shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. "This is going
to be a long night."
Ignoring him, I held Farah's hand and entered a house smelling of
cookies. As Christmas music played quietly overhead, Cooper leaned
against the fireplace mantle while talking to Aaron. In the kitchen,
Bailey waved me over to where she and Sawyer baked cookies.
"Look, I'm domesticated," Bailey announced, handing Sawyer a cookie
to add to the sheet.
Giving her a hug, I grabbed a warm cookie. "I'm helping Zaria make
Christmas dinner. You and me are both Holly Homemaker now."
Smiling, Bailey gave Judd a head nod. "We have to leave in an hour
because Sawyer needs to get to bed early so Santa can come."
The wild haired little girl grinned up at me. "I barely made the Nice
List, but squeaked in at the last minute."
Laughing, I fiddled with her ponytail and wondered about having a kid.
When I glanced at Judd, he might have been thinking about the same
thing because his expression was one of horror.
"Two or three years from now," I said and his blue eyes lit up.
Kissing the top of my head, he grinned. "Look at my angel reading
minds."
"Ew," Sawyer muttered, jumping off the stool and running to

Cooper who scooped her up into his strong arms.
Farah appeared next to me and leaned against my shoulder. Her gaze on
Cooper, she sighed. "He wants one soon. We'll likely start trying after
the wedding."
Hugging her against me, I glanced at Judd who again looked like a
cornered animal.
"We'll babysit the kid sometimes when it's not teething or gassy or
stuff."
Laughing, Farah hugged me tighter then whispered, "What if I'm a bad
mom?"
"Why would you be?"
"We were raised like shit. Coop says I'll be good at it, but I'm scared.
Seeing Maddy take to everything so easy makes me think I won't."
Cupping her face, I smiled. "You took care of me. You take care of
Coop and his family. You have a good heart and you'll be a great mom.
You'll just need to practice at it like you do everything. Maddy is good
with kids because she's had practice. She'll help you learn. I'll help you
by looking worse at things than you do and that'll feed your ego."
Laughing again, Farah hugged me. "This Christmas is so beautiful, but
I just keep waiting for something to ruin it."
"Those men are dead," I whispered in her ear. "Mom is gone. Dad
wouldn't come here because he doesn't know you have money. If he
does show up wanting to hassle you, Cooper will take care of it.
Nothing can ruin Christmas or our lives here. We've started over and
the world will just have to get used to that fact."
Farah gave me a weird look. "Grandma is coming to the wedding."
"Good. She'll see you're successful and tell all of our loser family about
it. They'll hate us, but she'll also tell them how you have a scary rich
husband. They might want to sponge off our good fortunes, but they'll
know not to. Having Grandma come is a great thing."
"She can also see how good you're doing," Farah said, grinning.
"Yeah, she might even remember my name and everything."
"Oh, Tanya, don't be like that." Giggling, we realized our men were
waiting for attention. "They get so needy."

"Wait until Coop sees the Christmas gift I bought you," I said, giving
her a wink. "He'll be needy all night long."
Bursting into laughter, Farah looked ready to shove everyone out of the
house and open her gift. Instead, Cooper appeared with my gift.
"Open it," he said, crossing his arms and trying to intimidate me.
"No."
"There's a speech that goes with the gift and I can't do it on the phone.
Open it, employee."
Rolling my eyes, I unwrapped the gift, careful to avoid tearing the
beautiful snowman themed paper. I stared at the laptop then at Cooper.
"Thank you, but what do I need a laptop for?"
"You'll use it to finish high school. This is the beginning of my speech,
by the way."
Frowning, I turned to Farah for support, but she only smiled. "It's okay,
Tawny. You can finish high school online, so there'll be no classes to
go to. No pressure either. You can take your time and do one subject at
a time. We'll even hire you a tutor, if you want."
"Why?"
Cooper looked ready to wrap an arm around my shoulders for his big
brother speech, but Judd sent out a male signal indicating how violence
would result from any touching. Rolling his eyes, Cooper sighed.
"To be part of my organization, you need to be fearless. I saw how
badass you can be when you dealt with the mole. You also put up with
this asshole, so I know you're a brave little bitch," Cooper said,
grinning at Judd. "High school beat you though. You need to defeat that
fear you have of school. Get your diploma and know you can do
whatever you want, even if you fucking hate it. If I can do law school,
you can finish high school. Besides, if you don't promise to work for
your diploma, you're not working for me. I can't have you afraid of
anything."
On the spot, I glanced at Judd who shrugged. "Say yes and weasel out
of it later."
Cooper snorted. "You're not helping."
"Wasn't trying to, man."
Farah stepped closer. "You can take your time, so it doesn't have to

be stressful. I know you hated school, but this isn't school. This is just
courses on a computer. You are plenty smart enough to handle that,
Tawny."
Sighing, I nodded. "Thanks for the laptop. I can use it for other stuff
too, right?"
Cooper rolled his eyes. "I'm not monitoring your computer use. Do
what you want with it. Just promise you'll give school a chance. That
way, you can look at your kids one day and seem fearless to them. Trust
me that having fearless parents is fucking awesome."
Breathing easier now, I hugged Cooper. Once I did, I felt Judd tense.
As Cooper hugged me back, I had no doubt he was glaring at Judd.
Finally, Farah cleared her throat and pulled me into a hug with her.
"Men are stupid sometimes."
"That's why God made these two so hot," I said, grinning over her
shoulder at Judd. "He knew their good looks would offset the dumb."
Cooper waved off my words and returned to Aaron who entertained
Sawyer. I knew Farah wanted to hang out more, but she had to play
hostess. While I cuddled with Judd, Bailey helped Farah in the kitchen
until everyone was ready to head home to wait for Santa. Well, Sawyer
waited for Santa. Judd and Cooper just wanted to enjoy those sexy
Christmas gifts.
Christmas morning was a picture of laziness. Judd and I woke up
around seven, worked up a sweat then returned to sleep. At ten, we
woke up and messed around in the shower. Soon, we were in bed,
giving each other oral gifts. Finally, we made it out of the bedroom for
a leftover pizza breakfast.
Even knowing what was in the dozens of gifts surrounding our little
tree, I was giddy while unwrapping. Since the gifts were as much for
his pleasure as mine, we took turns opening them. Twice, we were so
happy with our presents that we stopped unwrapping to enjoy them.
Eventually, I walked around in a white and pink hearted babydoll while
Judd threw on a pair of boxers. We finished with our gifts then enjoyed
a glass of wine in front of the fire. Based on Pearl's shock at how the
gas

fireplace roared to life, I suspected Judd didn't use it often.
By the time Vaughn and Zaria arrived, I had a dumb grin plastered on
my face. This was the best damn day of my life and Judd was perfection
especially after agreeing to adopt a kitten in the New Year.
As the guys watched football in silence, I helped Zaria in the kitchen.
Days earlier on the phone, we decided to bake a ham because it was
easier than a turkey.
"I used to hate cooking," Zaria said, grinning while glancing at her son.
"So now I only cook for holidays and special occasions."
"Farah is learning to cook, but I'd be happy to microwave everything."
Blue eyes bright, Zaria smiled wider. "A girl after my own heart.
"Judd would probably like for me to cook," I said, studying him as he
stared blankly at the TV.
"Oh, I don't think he cares. Judd is easy to please and he lives a simple
life. Sharing that life with you is the biggest thing I've ever seen him
do."
Glancing at her, I was surprised to find her sad.
"There were years," she said quietly, "where I'd thought I lost him.
Months ago before he met you, Judd and I would have dinner and he
was a shell of a man. He wanted nothing from life, almost like he was
just wasting time until his death."
Looking at Judd, I found him still lost inside himself. Yet, he must have
felt my gaze on him because he turned towards me. At first, his eyes
were emotionless. Vaughn noticed and stared dead eyed at me too.
Giving them a big smile, I waved.
"Hey, guys!" I cried and they laughed. "Why are you two pouting?"
"It's a good look on us," Vaughn said, crossing his arms and staring at
the television. "Makes us look deep."
While Zaria and I laughed, Judd just smiled at me as his gaze was
warmer. The coldness hiding behind those walls thawed and he was
with us again.
"I' m making potatoes," I said, just to say something. "We need to get
you one of those fancy aprons."

Immediately, I imagined wearing nothing under the apron. Judd was
likely imagining it too because he twisted uncomfortably on the couch.
Noticing Zaria frown at her son's discomfort, I shrugged. "He's got
hemorrhoids."
Vaughn burst into laughter. "Smooth."
Zaria grinned at her son then turned around the work at the stove.
"Men."
Winking at an annoyed Judd, I glanced down at my breasts and he
followed my gaze. His eyes returned to my face and narrowed. "Stop,"
Judd warned while fighting a grin.
Ignoring him and his pants problem, I helped Zaria finish dinner and
talked about Farah. She even offered a discount on hair and makeup at
her salon for the wedding party. Though I knew Cooper didn't care
about saving money, Farah loved a good deal.
Dinner tasted great, mainly because I helped create it. A small ham,
cheesy mash potatoes, steamed broccoli, and a pie from the store was
the nicest Christmas dinner I'd had outside of the visits to my
grandmother's house. Those visits involved an angry tension with
relatives who hated each other. Now, I was surrounded by the man I
loved, a woman who treated me like a daughter, and a guy I viewed as a
cranky cousin. Even without Farah at dinner, I felt like I was home.
After we ate, I pulled out a deck of cards and we played for a few hours.
Vaughn was cranky in the beginning, but perked up after he won a few
games. Those wins were my Christmas gifts to him.
"If we went bowling," I said to Vaughn who shuffled, "could I have
those things up that keeps the ball from rolling into the gutter?"
"The bumpers? Sure. You want to bowl with me?"
"Yeah. Hell, we could even bring along Judd."
A grunt from my man caused me to laugh, but Zaria ruffled Judd's
hair.
"Jealousy is adorable on you, kid," she teased.
After the cards were handed out, I smiled at Vaughn. "I've never
bowled before. If I like it, maybe we could make a habit of it? Like
have a bowling night every week."

As Judd frowned, Vaughn shrugged at the suggestion. "We'll see if you
like it first."
"I like routines," I continued, ignoring Judd's irritated stare. "Each
week, Judd and I are having dinner at Farah's. We're barbecuing and
playing pool. On another night, we'll have dinner out with Zaria."
"When did this all happen?" Judd muttered.
"I planned it out in my head while I peeled potatoes."
Judd sighed. "Well, thanks for sharing."
"Are you saying no?" I asked, pulling out my sad eyes for extra effect.
Judd gave me a grin. "You're doing the eyes."
I jumped up and hugged him. "You love those eyes."
"They do make me crazy."
"You two are distracting me," Vaughn grumbled. "Knock it off." Zaria
opened her mouth to say something to Vaughn, but decided better of it.
He seemed cranky again.
"Why are you such a whiny bitch?" I asked while returning to my
seat.
"Holidays put me in a shit mood." "Now, who's the drama llama?" Judd
said, grinning. Vaughn rolled his blue eyes, shook out his shoulders,
and put on a fake smile. "Happily ever after, peace on Earth, and all that
crap. Whose
turn is it?"
"Zaria's. I think we should do this every year."
"Not if you two breed. I can't deal with whiny babies."
"Unless they're looking back at you from the mirror?" I said and
Vaughn laughed. "Chill, bro. We're all cool here, right?"
Vaughn glanced at Judd then at me. Finally, he sighed. "As
Christmases go, this one was pretty stellar. Thanks, angel."
"No fucking way," Judd growled, sending me into hysterics while Zaria
sighed.
"My boy is so possessive lately. I don't know where that came from. He
was always good at sharing when he was little."
Judd grinned at his mom then took my hand gently. "Let's all shut up
and play cards, okay?"

"Agreed," Zaria said, winking at him.
Even with the grumpy guys, we had fun especially after everyone
enjoyed a few beers. Vaughn even showed us a magic trick. Though it
was pretty awful and he nearly fell of his chair in the process, we
enjoyed the trick nonetheless.
By the time the evening ended, we were all relaxed and happy. A cab
ride for both Zaria and Vaughn later, I was alone with Judd who
celebrated our first Christmas together by having me try on a few more
of my sexy gifts.

Chapter Thirty
Arriving first at the salon for the wedding hair trial run, I was surprised
by the number of mirrors in the place. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to
me that stylists and clients would want to actually see themselves. As I
freaked out, Zaria appeared from the back of the salon.
"You're early," she said, stopping at a workstation. "The salon is closed
this afternoon for everyone except your sister and her group. Jodi said
you'd like to get a mani pedi too."
Stepping closer to her, I summoned the courage to admit my phobia to
a woman I wanted to impress. My therapist said admitting what I
needed from people was a sign of strength. I just hoped Zaria felt the
same way.
"Zaria," I whispered as the other stylists goofed off nearby.
"Don't be nervous, Tawny. I've done lots of hair for weddings."
"It's not that. Can I have the chair near the corner and have my chair
turned away from the mirrors?"
"Why?" she asked, noticing my expression.
"I don't like looking at myself in the mirror."
Staring into her eyes, I prayed she didn't ask too many questions.
After a moment, Zaria smiled. "We all have our little things. You can
sit wherever and however you want."
"Thank you," I said. "I'm trying to get stronger and Judd is helping
me."
"You and my son are good together in a way I never thought I'd see
with him."
Smiling now, I admitted, "I haven't gotten my hair cut in years.
Usually, I'd just have Farah trim the ends. Now, I'm getting highlights
and everything. I feel fancy."
As Zaria laughed, her gaze flashed to the door. "Your sister is here.
Will she be okay sitting in front of a mirror?"
"Sure. Her little things are completely different."
Leaving Zaria, I met Farah at the front door. She glanced around at the
mirrors and asked, "Are you okay?"
"Zaria's letting me sit over in the corner where there are less

mirrors."
"I'll sit in the chair next to you, so we can talk," Farah said, hugging me.
"I'm really worried my hair's going to look stupid. Like pompous or
something."
"You'll look like a princess," I said, accidentally seeing my reflection
and turning away.
"It's okay." Hugging me against her, Farah whispered, "How's therapy
going?"
"Good. Tina's nice. I still have Judd go with me, just in case she says
something mean or calls me names. I know she won't, but I get scared
I'll tell her something personal and she'll laugh at me or say I'm bad.
Judd doesn't even seem to pay attention at the sessions. Mostly, he
messes around on his phone, but I know if I get upset or scared, he'll
help me."
Hugging Farah tighter, I whispered, "Waiting in the motel after Dad
left, I accepted I'd starve or be killed by those freaks. I was praying I
starved, but I didn't think I would ever get out of there. Then, Judd
showed up and he seemed mean and cold. Yet, he was beautiful and I
wanted him to be mine. I needed him to love me and he does now and I
still can't believe that it's real. I'm sure you feel that way with Cooper
too."
Nodding, Farah looked into my eyes. "We went from having nothing to
have something beautiful here. Friends and a home. A place we belong
and new families who value us. Most of all, we have men who love us
despite all of our damage. They see the fucked up parts and they accept
the crap and help us be what we need to be to survive. We have all that
and we're together and I wake up some nights and wonder if it was a
dream. " Farah paused and steadied herself. "I had a dream the other
night that I was starting college. I saw Cooper and thought he was so
beautiful, just like I did that first day in Spanish class. In this dream
though, he never showed any interest in me. He never wanted me and
we never fell in love. In the dream, I knew we were supposed to be
together, but he never saw me. I woke up so scared in the dark. I
thought the dream was real and I was a fool to think I would ever get so
many blessings. I thought I was stupid to believe I could get a man like
Cooper

to love me with all my crying and baggage. He does though and I try to
remind myself of that, but I get scared it could all go away. Like he
could wake up and realize I wasn't what he needed. I know he won't,
but I worry."
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Jodi approaching the salon with
her daughters. Returning my gaze to Farah, I needed to say the words,
even if she hated hearing them.
"Do you ever think of therapy?"
Panic lit up Farah's dark eyes. "I don't want to talk about what
happened."
"You could talk about what you just told me. You could talk about
anything you want. Tina doesn't push me. She just lets me talk.
Sometimes, I say really ugly things about myself, but she doesn't get
mad. She just lets me say them and asks what made me want to say
them. It's never like a test where I have to give the right answers."
Twisting at her hair, Farah nodded. "Maybe I should try. Coop is
psyched about having a baby. He's not pushing me, but I'm scared to
have a kid and be too fucked up to love it right."
Pulling her away from the door, I whispered, "You could think about it.
Like get used to the idea. Maybe come with me to a session, so you
could see what it's like. It would be like a practice run."
"I do like to practice," Farah said, smiling softly. "I'm going to think
about it. I can't do it before the wedding though. I can't have more
stress. I'm trying to focus on school and Coop, but the wedding scares
me."
"You won't fall," I said as Jodi, Bailey, and Sawyer entered. "You'll be
perfect and there'll be a hot guy waiting for you at the altar."
Farah gave me a giant smile. "Can you imagine how hot Coop will look
in his tux?"
"My boy cleans up good," Jodi said, stretching. "Let's get this beauty
thing rolling since my poodle hair needs a lot of love to get shoved up
into a bun."
Soon, everyone settled in for their day at the salon. Lark arrived not
long afterwards and the stylists did their magic. With highlights for
Farah and me, straightening for Bailey, a trim for Lark, and
conditioning

treatments for Sawyer and Jodi, we were stuck in the chairs for hours.
We also had our nails done while drinking too much caffeine and
laughing about how much Cooper wanted his hair to grow out before
the wedding. Even with the jovial mood, I caught Farah's gaze. For a
few minutes, we simply watched each other.
Life was different now. Most of all, we were different. Out on the deck,
we'd promised to start again. We were keeping our words, but it
wouldn't be easy. Nothing good ever was, yet so much promise was at
our fingertips. We only had to reach out and grab onto our dreams and
never let them go.
When I joined him at the gym, Judd really liked my highlights and
haircut. He kept nuzzling my hair while training me. Unfortunately, all
of his built up arousal made him a beastly trainer. He worked me hard
on the punching bag until my puny arms were ready to fall off.
Before I left, he kissed me like he was fucking me with his tongue. His
message was clear. I should be waiting naked at home, so he could fuck
me with other parts of his body. I wholeheartedly agreed with this plan.
Arms aching as I pulled the SUV into the underground garage, I wasn't
looking forward to the cold walk to the elevators. Winter had teased us
for the last few weeks, but the ugliness of late January brought with it a
chill I felt to my bones. I grabbed my bag and climbed out of the
massive vehicle with a plan to run for the elevator and whine mentally
about how much I wished spring was already here. Instead, I took four
steps away from the SUV before hearing a familiar voice.
"Farah's marrying a rich guy, huh?" Dad said from where the garage
gate came to a grinding close.
Turning towards him, I noticed how tired he looked. Worn down from
months of hiding, eating what he could steal, screwing any lonely
woman he could con, and living from day to day with the hope of a
miracle around every corner. His dark hair was too long and hung
awkwardly over his ears. He had no cap on, but his jacket looked new.
Likely stolen along with his shiny new boots.

"What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing," he said casually, a fake smile on his
handsome face. "I told you to wait at the motel. When I went back, you
were gone and the window was kicked in. I assumed something bad
happened and have been looking for you."
My father could con conmen because he had a face devoid of the con.
He always looked completely honest, even when pulling one lie after
another out of his ass. I knew anyone else would believe his concerned
expression. They would believe he came looking for me except logic
said it wouldn't have taken him this long to visit Ellsberg. He hadn' t
cared where I went because I was one less mouth to feed. Sure, I could
have earned him money, but I think he suspected I would have run
anyway.
Now, he was standing in front of me looking like the father I wished he
was, instead of the father I knew. This Brian was a worried dad, not the
man who beat me with a belt because he was having a bad day. He
wasn't the man who planned to pimp me out to pay his debts. This
Brian was the kind of man I should run to and embrace. I wasn't fooled
though.
Instead, I slid my hand into my bag and felt for the gun Judd gave me.
While I didn't intend to shoot my father, I would scare him if necessary.
Make him back off until I could reach the elevator and use the code for
it to open. Once I was inside, he couldn't get to me. Then, I'd call Judd
who would deal with him. The plan was vivid in my mind and I already
saw myself safe in the elevator.
"I need to go," I said, taking a step towards the elevator. "You should
call Farah and visit her. She'd be happy to see you."
Dad grinned. "I know who her rich mark is and he won't be happy to
see me."
"He's not a mark," I said defensively before remembering I had no
reason to explain anything to this man. "What do you want?"
"I need to pay my debts, Tawny. I'm a hunted man and you can save
me."
"You want me to give you money?"
"Your man works for Farah's man. I don't want either of them

knowing about me being here. I want you to ask Farah for the money,
but don't tell her it's for me. Say you need it to pay for something, but
you can't tell her what. She'll give it to you."
Knowing my father was lying again, I inched backwards while
wondering what his real plan involved.
"I'll ask her."
"Do you think she could get her hands on fifty grand without the rich
kid noticing?"
"Maybe. I don't know what kind of money they have. I can ask though."
"You won't though."
Realizing he knew my lies as well as I knew his, I shook my head. "No,
I won't. What do you want?"
"Your sister loves you more than anyone. Even more than her pretty
boy. She'd take a beating for you and I know she'd steal Johansson's
money for you."
"Steal?"
"To get the money to pay for your safety."
My feet begged me to run, but my head said I wasn't fast enough. Even
exhausted from months of hiding, my father was fast and strong. I' d
seen him beat down plenty of strong men before. Not guys like Judd,
but men bigger than me. I also knew he would hurt me as much as
necessary to get his money.
"So you're going to ransom me?" I said, rolling my eyes. "What makes
you think she can even get that kind of money from Cooper? You think
people like the Johanssons wouldn't notice anyone messing with their
money?"
My father didn't take the bait. His gaze focused hard on me, waiting for
me to run. "Your sister was a good kid. She always worked hard at
school and never started shit. I liked to tell people about her report
cards and how she was on the honor roll. She was the kid who made me
proud. You were the one who ate our food and took up space. You owe
me, Tawny, and you're getting me that money whether I have to put
you on the streets to get it."
Maybe my father moved or maybe I was just done waiting for him

to make all the decisions. Either way, I clicked off the safety on the gun
and pulled the trigger. The bullet tore through the purse and hit him in
the gut. Startled, my father fell to the ground before reaching for his
own weapon.
"Stop!" I screamed, running over and kicking his hand struggling to
remove the gun from his jacket. "I'll shoot again." "You fucking bitch."
Kneeling down, I grabbed the handle of his weapon and yanked it free.
I immediately stepped away from him and tried to figure out what to do
next. Only one word echoed in my head, so I dialed without thinking of
what to say.
"Hey, angel," Judd said softly, clearly thinking of the fun we would
have soon.
"I shot my dad," I whispered because saying the words louder made
them too real.
"Where are you?" Judd asked as his voice shifted into the cold enforcer
mode.
"The garage. He came in when the gate opened and he said he'd make
me whore for him, so I shot him. I don't know what to do." "Are you
safe?"
"He had a gun, but I took it away. I shot him in the stomach. He's in a
lot of pain though and he's not getting up."
"Call 911," Dad said, holding his stomach. "Get an ambulance."
"Fuck that," Judd growled into the phone. "You don't call anyone, do
you understand? I'm handling this."
Judd sounded like he was on the move and I thought I heard Vaughn' s
confused voice in the background.
"Judd," I whispered as the panic of what I'd done replaced my anger at
Dad, "I shot him."
"I' m less than five minutes out. You stay right there. If anyone shows
up like the neighbors, you just tell them he attacked you. If that
happens, I'll deal with it too. Just wait for me, Tawny."
"I love you," I whispered.
"I love you too, but you have to stay safe and wait for me." "I will."

Once Judd hung up, I shoved the phone into my bag next to Dad's gun.
My weapon hung from my fingers, ready if necessary, but my father
was no threat now. Even as he scooted himself back against the wall, I
knew he was too injured to escape, let alone attack.
Standing near the front of the SUV, I watched my father get
comfortable.
"Is your boyfriend going to kill me now, bitch?"
"Probably," I said in a quiet voice. "Maybe they'll bury you next to
Mom."
Dad laughed hoarsely. "I should have gotten fixed after Farah. Life was
still good back then. We had a nice place and your mom and I were in
love and everyone thought Farah was the cutest shit ever. Then, your
mom got pregnant with you and everything went downhill."
"After you're dead, I'll be sure to share your cruel words with my
therapist."
Dad grinned. "No amount of therapy will fix what's wrong with
you."
"If you want me to kill you, so Judd won't, I'm not taking the bait. He
might need to torture you for info."
Dad's mocking grin disappeared. "You're a cunt."
"Next month, Farah is getting married and Kirk Johansson is walking
her down the aisle. She has a new family now and so do I. We lived just
fine without having you and Mom around and our lives are good now."
"You'll fuck it up. You always do."
"Maybe," I sighed, "but you won't be around to see it."
The next few minutes passed quietly with my father bleeding and me
fighting the urge to bawl. Even with his hateful words and evil plans, I
remembered the happier times growing up. I remembered how he took
us away from Mom after the bikers. How he said she deserved death
and we did nothing wrong.
My heart betrayed me in those next few minutes until Judd arrived. It
told me to save my dad and give him another chance. It said I couldn't
live with the guilt of leaving him to be murdered. It said a lot of bullshit
that I didn't believe, but hurt me nonetheless.

Flinching at the sound of approaching motorcycles, my father looked to
me and considered begging for his life. He also considered playing the
daddy card. I saw those ideas flicker in his eyes then he simply gave up
and accepted his fate.
As the gate opened, I felt a huge sense of relief at the sight of Judd
roaring into the garage. Running to Judd, I needed what only he
offered.
"I shot him."
"Good," he said as Vaughn climbed off the other Harley. "Are you
okay? Did he hurt you?"
"No, but he's my dad and I can't kill him."
"You aren't killing him," Judd said, easing off the bike while still
holding me against him. "I'm killing him."
"No," Vaughn muttered, standing nearby. "I'll do it."
"Fuck that shit," Judd growled. "He came here to hurt my woman."
Vaughn walked to Judd and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Yes, she's
your woman and you're spending a long life with her. Do you want her
to look at you and know you're the guy who put a bullet in her dad's
head? That you ended his miserable life? Is that how you want your
woman looking at you?"
Frowning, Judd studied me as I clung to him. Whatever he saw in my
expression caused him to stand down.
"Clean it all up for me," he said to Vaughn. "I don't want her seeing
even a drop of blood in here. Make it like it never fucking happened.
Can you do that?"
"Sure, man. I'll fix it. You just get her away. Tuck and Clay are coming
to help with the job, but I'll make sure it gets done right."
My gaze fell on my father and I wished to see something in him worth
loving. He stared with his dark eyes so similar to mine and waited to
die. Dad knew I needed him to give me a crumb of love after so long
without it, but he denied me.
Later, I decided his indifference was a gift. If he had begged or shown
an ounce of fatherly love, the guilt might have eaten at me. Yet, in
reality, I had no way to stop what would happen next. The minute my
father showed up, he took a calculated risk. If his plan worked, he
might pay off his debts and get one death sentence removed. However,
he

would add a new one from the Johanssons and Reapers. Deep inside,
even my father knew he'd come to Ellsberg to die. Now, he was getting
his wish.
In that moment though, I couldn't leave the parking garage. Even as
Judd led me away, I refused to go because I knew what happened next.
Staring into Vaughn's blue eyes, I saw him waiting for me to go, so he
could finish things. As the one keeping my father alive for a few extra
minutes, the burden prevented me from leaving.
"Come with me upstairs, angel."
"And pretend my father isn't dying here? It's one thing not to care about
those bastards dying, but this is my dad."
Judd cupped my face and stared into my eyes. "Don't feel pity for that
fucker. He doesn't deserve it. Don't forget how he left you in that motel
to starve. He left you there with the intention of selling you off and he
came here with the same plan. You can't let him hurt you anymore. He
knew when he came here that he would either get his money or lose his
life. He took the bet and he lost. Nothing you do from now on changes
his fate. You only have the power to save yourself from the pain I see in
your eyes."
"He's my dad. I know what you're saying, but it feels wrong to go
upstairs and act like this isn't happening down here."
"You can't see what happens next. You've seen so much ugly in your
life and you can't add this to it. Just go with me and we'll pretend today
was a bad dream. It's what I would do if my dad ever showed up and
started shit. I wouldn't think about anything good he ever did, but that
he came into my life to destroy it. That's what you have to do now."
Even nodding, I looked at my father and couldn't leave. I was simply
stuck where I stood. A frustrated Judd focused on a SUV pulling into
the garage. Seeing it was driven by Tucker, Judd wrapped an arm
around my shoulders and used his body to hide the view of my dad
while we approached the SUV.
"I need your car, Tuck."
Tucker's dark eyes studied me then he glanced at my dad. "Get her
somewhere better. We'll deal with this."
Judd helped me into the car, mostly so he could keep me from

seeing too much. As we backed quickly out of the garage, I stared at the
condo and imagined my father's final moments. Was he scared? Would
it hurt?
"Tawny, I love you."
Turning around to face Judd, I nodded. "I feel like it's my fault
everything bad is happening."
"That's a fucking lie. Every damn good thing in my life is because of
you. Until I met you, I didn't even care if I died. I expected nothing and
I got nothing. Then, I saw your scared face peeking out of the curtains
at the motel and everything became more. What you're feeling about
being bad is a fucking lie and you need to ignore it. Just focus on how
you saved me."
Leaning against his shoulder, I focused on his words, instead of the
ugly thoughts filling my mind. I didn't ruin everything I touched.
People needed me and I brought them happiness. Not only my beautiful
Judd, but Farah and Bailey too. I made Lark laugh so hard one day she
nearly passed out. People cared about me and my life had value in a
way my father' s didn' t. He was why bad things happened this day. He
was why his life had to end.
Even though I didn't cry, I felt numb as we drove. I assumed Judd
would take me to Farah, yet we parked on the curb next to a tall
building in a newer trendy part of town.
Looking to Judd as he opened the door for me, I waited for him to
explain. He simply took my hand and led me into the building. In the
sales office on the main floor, a man wearing the nametag Donnie
looked bored until he saw Judd. Bolting out of his chair, he smiled.
"You came back."
"This is my woman and I want to show her the model and the unit on
the top floor."
"Of course," Donnie said. "I'll open the door and let you explore all the
options."
Judd directed me into a bottom floor condo smelling as if air fresheners
had exploded inside. Everything was clean, new, and staged. While
beautiful, it didn't feel like a home.
"What are we doing here?" I asked after Donnie left us in a foyer

leading into an ultra modern kitchen.
"This place has two units on the top floor. Big ones with decent views.
Not like the hotel on the way here, but six floors up is still nice."
"You want to move here?"
Judd shoved his hands into his pockets. "I want to have a home. Not my
place with you living in it, but a real home for us. A place for the cats
and a kid one day. I don't want a house though or a yard. I can't do that
suburbia crap. If that's what you want, I can fake it, but this is the kind
of living I like. I don't want to mow lawns or talk over fences to soccer
dads. Like I said, I'll fake it, but I hope I don't have to."
Glancing around the beautiful sterile condo, I shrugged. "I wouldn't say
no to living in a place like this, but you didn't say anything before.
Now, you make this big move."
"I wasn't sure if I should wait until after Farah's wedding. But we're
talking about another cat and a baby down the road. My place doesn't
have a family vibe to it. I like my neighbors, but they'd hate having a
kid crying. I'd hate it too, but it'd be my kid, so what can I do?"
Walking into the kitchen, I ran my fingers over the sleek countertops.
"We'd get to choose stuff," Judd said, following me. "Personalize it. As
much as I try to think of my place as our place, I can't. It was mine for a
long time and I want a place that feels like ours. Besides, my place was
meant for me to be alone. With you, I never want to be alone again."
Glancing at him over my shoulder, I smiled a little. "So this is the
model, but the place we would get is on the top floor?"
"It's huge too. Two bedrooms. Well three, but one is small as shit. More
like an office. It can house the cat shit or kid stuff eventually. I mean, I
don't need a damn office."
"Me either."
"It's up on the top floor and has access to the rooftop deck. We'd only
have the one neighbor across the hall and it's got a nice view. You can
see the woods and I bet at night, we could see all the city lights. It'd be
pretty nice."
Imagining what Judd would give up by leaving his home, I caressed his
cheek. "It wouldn't be as quiet here."

Judd placed his hand over mine and stared into my eyes. "It's too easy
for me to be quiet. Too easy to dig into my head and hide there. I need
to stay out here with you. Not always. Sometimes, we need to be alone
with ourselves, but I want the rest of my time to be with you and it'd be
nice here."
Glancing around, I tried to get excited about this step for us. "Can you
show me around since you've been here before?"
"How you feeling?"
"Like I shot my dad and left him to be finished off," I whispered. "I feel
like something really bad happened today and not just with him. It's
like my past is clinging to me, but what you have found here. Bringing
me here and telling me what we could build together, that feels like
tomorrow. I want to dream of tomorrow because my dad and all that
bullshit isn't part of tomorrow. It's the past and I want to leave it there."
Judd kissed me gently, comforting me with his touch. "I would die
without you, angel. I would fucking lose the will to live. My old life
wouldn't be worth shit. Not now that I've seen what it could be. I know
what happened today was bad and I bet your fucking father said some
evil shit. I know you want to go to that dark place inside you, but you
need to stay with me. I need you too much for you to leave me, okay?"
"Okay," I said, holding his face in my hands. "No one is ever taking me
from you and that includes me."
Grinning, Judd wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulder as he
showed me the living room, the useless little bedroom, and the master
bedroom. When we stepped into the bigger secondary bedroom, I felt a
surge of excitement.
"It's beautiful," I cooed, hurrying into a baby's room complete with a
child's name on the wall in white letters. "When we have a baby," I
said, pausing when I saw the horror in Judd's eyes, "in a few years, I
want the room to look like this one. Can you imagine how amazing it
would be to grow up in such a beautiful room?"
"I come from shitty stock," he said, hands shoved in his pockets again.
"Me too, but we're starting over right now with us. Our kids won't be
shit. They'll be the best of us plus a whole lot more."

Judd gave me a grin. "My angel is coming out of the darkness." Sharing
his smile, I asked, "Can we see the condo you want? The one up high."
As Judd' s smile grew, I knew he was proud of himself for finding this
place. I was proud of him too. It was so easy to remain in the old life
where it was safe for him, but he was embracing the unknown. With
me, he' d find his way.
Up on the top floor in the empty space, I imagined the condo finished
with Pearl and our future kitten living there. I also pictured one day
staring out of the big windows with Judd and our child. The future was
so damn beautiful from where I was standing.
"You saved me, Judd. Months ago and that night in the rain and the day
in the woods and today and every day we're together, you always save
me. You're my knight."
Giving me a heartbreakingly beautiful smile, Judd took my hand. "And
you're my angel."

Chapter Thirty One
On Valentine's Day, Farah married Cooper in the Ellsberg Baptist
Church. Hair in ringlets around her beautiful face, she looked like a
princess walking down the aisle on the arm of Kirk. Up at the altar,
Cooper gave everyone his cocky smirk until he got a look at Farah.
Expression softening, he actually looked stunned as she took his hand.
"Are you okay?" she whispered.
"Hell yeah, I am. My girl's a goddess."
Farah laughed and her jitters vanished. The rest of the wedding went
off without a hitch. Even our grandmother seemed pleased.
By the time of the reception, everyone was in a great mood. Farah was
so relaxed she never once glanced at me for support while sharing her
first dance with Cooper as husband and wife. They were magic
together. Watching them, I alternated from giggling and crying at the
sight of Farah so happy.
After the first dance, others joined them for the next song. Jodi and
Kirk looked as hot for each other as I suspected they were when they
made Cooper. Tucker danced with one arm wrapped around Maddy
and the other hand caressing where their daughter grew. Even Bailey
danced with a barefoot Sawyer.
In Judd' s arms, I watched everyone in such a blissful state. While my
face hurt from smiling so much, the day had been great and it wasn't
over yet.
"I got you a Valentine's present," I said, grinning up at Judd. "I got you
one too."
"I know. Our sweet kitty Opal, but my gift might be better."
"Oh, really?" he asked, swaying to the beat with me pressed against
him.
Pulling up the sleeve of my dark red dress, I showed him the freshly
inked tattoo on my wrist.
"I'll be wearing this in five years and for the rest of my life."
Looking at his name tattooed across my wrist, Judd stopped dancing.
"Angel," he whispered, sounding choked up. "I hope you'll want

that on you forever." "Oh, I will."
Wrapping his arms tighter around me, he swayed to the music again.
"Later, I have another gift for you," he said and I immediately grinned.
"No, not that. I didn't want to steal Farah's thunder and all that, but I
have something special for my woman. Something in a small box that
goes on her finger."
Swallowing hard, I fought the urge to scream with joy. "Really?"
"The look on your face right now is the most beautiful thing I've ever
seen," Judd whispered. "Fuck, I hope you always look at me like
that."
"I will," I murmured, tugging him closer. "You're mine." "If I can get
even five years with you, I'll be a lucky bastard." Cupping his face, I
caressed his freshly shaven skin. "I'll love you always," I whispered,
lifting onto my tiptoes to kiss him. "Always."

Epilogue
Everyone said Gunnar had my eyes. While we shared a deep shade of
brown, every time he gave me his sad-eyed expression, our boy was all
Judd. As I packed my suitcase for the trip to Vegas, he gave me that
look a lot. At two, Gunnar didn't understand vacations or wedding
anniversaries, but he understood this was a trip he wasn't taking with
Mommy and Daddy. Instead, he was spending three days with Aunt
Farah.
Standing in front of the mirror, I checked out my new bangs. Tina had
suggested I try a new look to get out of my comfort zone. Judd enjoyed
my new look and planned to show me how much on our vacation.
Cuddling up behind me as I messed with the bangs, he kissed my neck.
"Three days with no noise constraints. I'm making you scream,
babe."
"You better keep that promise," I whispered, glancing at Gunnar who
pushed around a bubble toy. "It'll be weird leaving him." "I know, but a
five year anniversary deserves celebrating." "Hell yeah, it does."
After giving me a hungry kiss, Judd picked up Gunnar who was giving
us the look again. Daddy and son stood near the large windows,
watching the traffic below. I recalled those nine months waiting for
Gunnar to be born and how tense Judd had been through it all. A ball of
nerves during the delivery, he even refused to hold Gunnar until we
were alone in the room. Finally, he took his tiny son in his arms and
wept.
Not with pride or joy, but fear at what his son might become.
"We'll raise him to be honorable," I said, caressing Judd's head as he
rocked his son and calmed himself. "We'll raise him to take care of
women like you take care of me. He' ll be a good man."
Judd looked at me and forced a smile. "Promise."
"I promise he'll have honor and never be your dad or brother."
Judd had sighed in a sad way as if he didn't believe my words. The next
day in the hospital, he barely looked at the baby. Yet, once we were
home, Judd and his boy became inseparable. Quiet like his dad, Gunnar

even smiled like him. Hell, his half grin killed me every time.
Bags packed, we left the cats and drove to Farah's house. Things were
moving slowly on the dream house she and Cooper were building in the
woods. I suspected this pleased them both since they had enough new
things to worry over without adding a move to the list.
Answering the door, Farah was still dressed for work in casual slacks
and a stretchy pink shirt covering her latest baby bump. A son was on
the way after two girls, but Cooper was just happy to have another
baby. Crazy about the Irish twins Lily and Miranda sitting on his hips,
he joined Farah at the door. Lily with her dark wavy hair and Miranda
with her matching blonde locks waved at their little cousin who hid his
face against Judd.
"He's not thrilled," I told Farah as she took his bag. "We'll keep him
busy."
Rubbing her bump, I felt Colton kick my hand. "Three more months
and this place will be a zoo."
"If you get your wish for a Vegas baby, you'll add to our zoo soon
enough," she said, giving me a wink.
Laughing, I joined her on the couch. Even exhausted, Farah was happy
and confident. Having found a job share arrangement with another
second grade teacher, Farah worked in the mornings while the girls
stayed with Aunt Maddy who ran a small daycare. Five year old Scarlet
played big cousin and kept everyone entertained with her loud mouth
and easy laugh.
Leaving Gunnar was harder than I expected, so we lingered at the
house for as long as we could without missing our flight. Finally, Farah
hugged me against her and glanced at where Judd settled Gunnar in
with his cousins. on the ground with the kids, Cooper bench-pressed
Lily to Miranda's amusement. Even Gunnar laughed at his silly uncle.
Motorcycle club president and crime boss by trade, lawyer on the side,
and Daddy and husband twenty four seven, Cooper had everything he
wanted. Proving this fact, he paused his goofy play long enough to
wink at a beaming Farah. My sister had her dream life and so much
more.
Judd and I didn't say much as we drove to the airport. Like most

parents, we felt guilty for leaving our child, so we could party on our
own. Yet, we deserved to celebrate. Early in our marriage, Judd hasn't
been sure we'd make the five year mark. In fact, there were days when I
saw him waiting for me to leave. If I tried a new haircut or talked about
learning a new skill, Judd gave me his sad-eyed look as if I was
outgrowing him.
Of course, I never did or ever would. I ' d always be his angel and he' d
always be my knight.
THE END