Running Away From Sunshine

“Y

OU

again?” Jake smiled at the young man sitting on the

hospital bed. “I thought we’d agreed last month that I wouldn’t
see you here again.”

Gabriel grinned. “Believe me, I’d rather be any other place

right now.”

“And I thought you came here just for the pleasure of my

company.” Shocked, Jake slammed his mouth shut. Normally he
had no problems with keeping his feelings hidden, but there was
something about the young hockey player with his cornflower
blue eyes and the black bangs that always hung in them that
made him forget himself. “So.” He cleared his throat, banning all
playfulness from his voice. “What can I do for you today?”

Luckily, Gabriel apparently hadn’t noticed his slip of the

tongue. He pointed at his left arm and said merrily, “I think I
broke my wrist.”

“Again?” Jake groaned. “What the hell are you doing with

that thing?”

“Playing hockey… what else?” The blue eyes danced with

mischief. “Anyway, it’s the other one this time. Coach will kill
me; I wasn’t wearing my equipment.”

“Idiot,” Jake mumbled. “Why do you think protection is

mandatory, anyway?”

“I was just playing with some kids on an ice rink. I thought

it couldn’t hurt.”

“Tell that to your wrist…. Come let me see it.”
Gabriel held out his left arm that was badly swollen and

black and blue.

“Gabriel?” Jake asked sternly. “When was that game?”

“Gabriel?” Jake asked sternly. “When was that game?”
The other man looked away with a cute blush on his face.

“Three days ago… but I iced it and taped it—”

“And then you played hockey with it?”
“Well… we had an important game last night, and it felt

okay until I woke up this morning and it looked—”

“Like crap,” Jake finished his sentence. He carefully

examined the hand and wrist. Gabriel stayed stoic, only a
tightening in his face hinted it hurt at all.

“So did you see the game?” Gabriel asked casually.
“I don’t watch hockey,” Jake said. “I can’t stop imagining

all those bones getting broken.”

Gabriel cocked his head. “That’s just plain stupid. I bet you

see more people here who fall from kitchen stools than hockey
players.”

Jake thought about that for a moment. “You know, you’re

probably right. You’re the only one that’s a regular.”

“I guess I just break easily.” Gabriel grinned. “Now tell me,

doc, what’s the damage?”

“It looks broken. You know the drill: X-rays, and after

that, I’ll see you again.”

W

HEN

he came back to the hospital room, a young nurse was

sitting on Gabriel’s bed, staring into his eyes and laughing at
some story he told her. It was like that every time he came in.
Women were drawn to the man, and not just women either; Jake
would gladly pay a million bucks if Gabriel would look at him the
way he looked at the pretty nurse.

“Ha, there’s my doc,” Gabriel said merrily. “Give me the

verdict, Jake. I’m dying here.”

verdict, Jake. I’m dying here.”

“It’s a bad sprain,” Jake said. When Gabriel started to grin,

he continued, “Don’t celebrate too soon. I’m going to put you
into a brace, and you’re not allowed to take it off for at least a
week.”

“But—”
“No playing hockey, no exercising, nothing! I don’t even

want you typing an essay with that hand.”

“But—”
“You rest that wrist until I say otherwise. Understood?”
“Yes, doc.” Gabriel saluted—with his injured arm of course

—and Jake couldn’t help grinning.

Gabriel was silent and brooding while Jake fitted him for a

brace. Jake lectured him about only taking off the brace for
showering, and nothing else. “…or I’ll put you in a cast for sure.”
The frown on the young man’s face showed that he had read his
mind correctly.

Suddenly his handsome features lit up again. “You’re

coming to a hockey game with me,” he said matter-of-factly.

Jake could only stare at him. Gabriel was asking him out?

“What?”

“You can’t live in Calgary and not appreciate a good game

of hockey. I might as well do something useful with my time now
that you won’t let me play.” There was nothing flirty in his tone
or his eyes, just the earnest joy of a person who loved something
and didn’t understand that others didn’t. He put on a pair of
puppy-dog eyes that probably made women fall over themselves
to get him what he wanted. They sure made Jake feel all mushy
inside. “Come on, that way you can check that I obey all your
instructions.”

Jake raked a hand through his hair. Being friends with a guy

Jake raked a hand through his hair. Being friends with a guy

he was crushing on? That would lead to certain disaster. So of
course he nodded. “Sure.”

And then his beeper went off, and he had to run. He

couldn’t decide between disappointment and relief during the
time he worked on a guy who had been trapped inside a car. He
had just decided it was for the best when Jilly—head nurse and
friend to all residents—walked up to him with a big smile.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’ve given that cute hockey

player your number. He looked so sad when I said I wasn’t
allowed to.” She cocked her head and looked at him with eyes
that saw too much. “He said something about having to teach
you to enjoy hockey.”

“I probably won’t even get the night off,” he mumbled, not

wanting to show her how much he wanted to go.

“Consider it done,” she said. “It’s about time you have

some fun.”

J

AKE

had been annoyingly nervous for something that was the

opposite of a date. He felt ridiculous as he stood in front of his
closet unable to decide which pair of jeans he would wear. As if
it even mattered what he wore to a game of college hockey.

He arrived too early and felt like an idiot standing outside

the stadium. He fiddled with his phone in an attempt not to look
stupid while the college students flowed around him. He stomped
his feet against the cold. Before he was too frozen, Gabriel
appeared before him, carrying an armful of yellow and blue
merchandise.

“Here,” he said, shoving the clothes into Jake’s arms.

“We’ve gotta make you look like a true fan, after all.”

Jake shrugged off his jacket and obediently put on the

Jake shrugged off his jacket and obediently put on the

sweater, shawl, and cap and grinned at the satisfied look on
Gabriel’s face. The young man slapped him on the shoulder and
steered him inside the stadium. The man checking the tickets
bumped fists with Gabriel. “You’re not playing tonight, Gabe?”

Gabriel shook his head and showed the man his wrist.

“Doctor’s orders.” And he walked on, signaling Jake to follow
him. “We’d better not tell anyone that you’re that doc, right?” he
whispered conspiratorially. “Coach was ready to kill me for
breaking something again. I told him it wasn’t broken, but he
wasn’t impressed.”

“How come you’re always the one getting hurt?” Jake

asked.

Gabriel shrugged. “Don’t have a clue. Coach says I should

be more careful, but then again, he also says I have to score
those goals.”

They grabbed some beer and hotdogs and found their

seats. They were right behind the player’s bench, and Gabriel
made funny faces at his teammates while he sat down and sipped
his beer. “I gotta tell you, this is kinda nice for a change.”

But the moment the game started, Jake could see Gabriel

wanted to be on the ice more than anything else. He was
bouncing in his seat, shouting encouragements, his eyes glued to
the players in front of him, all intentions to explain the game to
Jake forgotten. Jake didn’t care. He got the beauty of it. He saw
it in the glimmer of Gabriel’s eyes, in the excitement on the faces
of the players who came in for a break or a penalty, in the
energy of the crowd around him.

Later, when they were in a bar having a drink with

Gabriel’s teammates, one of them, a big dude named Gary or
something like that, asked the one question Jake had been

fearing all along. “How come you live in Canada but have never
watched a hockey game before?”

“I’m from California,” he said. “Not much ice down there.”
“Huh,” Gabriel said puzzled. “Most of the time people

move from here to there. I’ve never heard of someone who
moved to the cold.”

“I like snow,” Jake said. “I like the cold and the dark, and I

got sick of the sun.” Not always. Once upon a time he had loved
the sun, loved the ocean, loved to surf. Once upon a time he had
made plans to travel the world in search of the best waves.

“Do you ski?” Gary asked, while Gabriel just stared at

Jake with unasked questions in his eyes.

“I snowboard,” he said, and his eyes lit up. Racing down a

mountain gave him that same kick as conquering a killer wave
had done, only without the bad memories.

“Cool, you gotta teach me sometime,” Gabriel said merrily,

slapping his shoulder.

Gary shook his head. “You know you’ll end up breaking

both your legs.”

They all laughed.
“Do you guys get injured often?” Jake asked.
A wiry guy called Richard answered, “Mostly bruises,

nothing that would require a doctor normally. Besides Gabe, of
course.”

“Why’s that?”
“I’m just accident prone, I guess,” Gabriel said, still grinning

but also stirring a bit, like he was getting uncomfortable with the
conversation.

Gary shook his head. He didn’t seem to notice Gabriel’s

discomfort. “It’s not that. He gives it his all, all the time, and not
just during a game either—during practice, during a cardio

just during a game either—during practice, during a cardio
workout, last week when he was playing with some random
kids. You have to see him play, then you’ll understand.”

J

AKE

got that chance two weeks later, when he had cleared

Gabriel to play, and he had a twelve-hour break between two
sixteen-hour shifts. He was exhausted and ready to fall down,
and only Gabriel’s repeated begging had him postpone crawling
into his bed for a few hours.

He recognized Gabriel immediately. Even under his helmet,

his grin shone, his eyes sparkled, and the moment his skates
touched the ice, he came alive. He made skating into an art form,
the game into a battle, the moves into a dance—a violent dance
in which he threw his body on the line without ever considering
what he was doing to himself. He seemed to have only one goal:
to get the puck into the goal, and if he had to go over, under, or
through another player to do so, he would. Last game, Jake
spent most of the time staring at Gabriel, but now he really
watched the game, which, in the end, came back to watching
Gabriel.

After the match he was invited into the locker room, and he

had to resist running to the kid to check him for the injuries he
surely must have gotten. Instead, he leaned casually against a
wall and asked, “How’s the wrist?”

Gabriel, who was standing shirtless in the middle of the

locker room, held out his still-taped wrist at him and said, “You
check it. It feels good, but that says nothing right now.”

It wouldn’t. Gabriel’s eyes shone, his grin could light a

forest fire, his chest heaved, and Jake was sure his heart was
beating like crazy. The kid was pumped up on adrenaline and

beating like crazy. The kid was pumped up on adrenaline and
would probably still be dancing around even if both his legs were
broken. He held Gabriel’s big hand in his, something that wasn’t
quite necessary, but it was something that kept him from reaching
out to stroke those chiseled abs, to follow his hands down with
his tongue, to push his pants down and wrap his lips…. Jake
swallowed and turned his attention back to Gabriel’s wrist. At
least that was a safe part of him, as safe as any part of the guy
would ever be to him. He unwrapped the bandages and shook
his head as he looked at the slight swelling and the renewed
bruising.

“And who would you be?” An older-looking man who had

some sort of high-school-principal vibe going on walked in and
looked with narrowed eyes at the scene before him.

“This is Jake, my doc. Jake, this is Coach.”
They didn’t shake hands.
“He doesn’t look old enough to be a doctor,” Coach

snarled. “Is he the idiot who said you couldn’t play last week?”

“Yeah, that would be me.” And if Coach didn’t shut up

soon, he would make that another week. Guys like Gabriel
should be protected against themselves, not forced to play
injured. “And you should be glad about that. If he hadn’t rested
that wrist, he would’ve probably torn it apart. As it is now….”
He ignored the coach and turned back to Gabriel. “Keep that
brace on again as much as possible and keep taping that wrist
when you can’t. It’s not done healing yet.”

Coach huffed and mumbled something about letting the

team’s physician look it over. Jake couldn’t care less. He was
sure the man would say the same thing, and he didn’t need to
prove anything to the moron anyway. Gabriel would listen to
him, and that was all that mattered.

He let himself be dragged to a bar, forced by another

He let himself be dragged to a bar, forced by another

puppy-dog stare from a pair of blue eyes. There he fell asleep
over his beer. He woke up a little while later with those same
blue eyes staring down at him as Gabriel, ever more forcefully,
shook him by the shoulders.

“Huh? Who’s dying?” Jake asked.
“No one.” Gabriel grinned down at him. Jake pushed away

the thought of how easy it would be to wrap his hands into that
messy black hair and kiss him senseless. “We let you sleep for a
while. It looked kinda cute with you hugging your beer. But then
we were leaving, and you wouldn’t wake and—”

“Sorry,” he said, stretching and praying he hadn’t been

drooling. “As a resident in the ER, you kind of learn to sleep
anywhere you can lay your head down. It’s that or no sleep at
all.”

“That must be tough,” Gabriel said thoughtfully while

handing him his coat.

“You get used to it,” Jake said. “It’s only the quiet times

that are exhausting. The moment when an ambulance comes in
and you know that every second that you hesitate could cost
someone’s life, and it’s just…. I don’t know how to describe
it….”

Gabriel finished his sentence. “It makes you feel alive.”
“Yes… and of course if the guy dies, that sucks, but when

he lives, you kind of feel like you’re a god.” Jake smiled
sheepishly. He was pretty sure you weren’t supposed to even
think that.

“I feel like that when I’m on the ice. Give me a pair of

skates and a stick and puck, and I feel like I become something
more, someone better.” His usual smile was replaced with a
thoughtful expression, and they were silent for a while. They left
the still-busy bar and walked across campus to the parking lot

the still-busy bar and walked across campus to the parking lot
where Jake had parked his car. Jake felt refreshed by the
freezing wind that whipped through his hair, but more than that, it
was his awareness of Gabriel walking just inches away that made
him completely alert again.

While they were standing by the car, both men pushing their

hands in their pockets, some strange vibe passed between them.
It almost felt like the end of the date, with Gabriel looking
uncomfortable and shuffling his feet and Jake fighting the constant
urge to cross the space between them and kiss Gabriel
senseless.

Then Gabriel looked up from the ground and fixed him with

a determined stare. “Can I ask you something personal, Jake?”

Oh fuck, here it comes.
He shrugged noncommittally.
“I just wondered; the other day you talked about why you

moved up here, and I got the idea that something bad happened
to you, and I just wanted to tell you that you can talk to me
about it. I mean, it must be hard, moving across the country,
leaving everything behind.”

That was kind of the point.
If it had been just curiosity by Gabriel, Jake would’ve

shrugged it off. He wouldn’t even have considered talking. He
hadn’t told anyone here. Hell, even back home no one really
understood why he fled. Some things just weren’t meant to be
said out loud. Especially if you didn’t know how to say it without
breaking into a million pieces.

“Not tonight, Gabriel. I don’t want to talk about this when I

still have to catch some sleep.”

I shouldn’t want to talk about it at all.
“I’m here when you’re ready,” Gabriel said softly.

“I’m here when you’re ready,” Gabriel said softly.
Yeah, but will you still be here after?
Gabriel looked like he wanted to say anything else, raised

his hand like he wanted to touch him, but in the end, he just
waved and walked away.

T

HREE

weeks later he took Gabriel snowboarding. It was a spur

of the moment thing. It was one of those rare bright mornings
that woke you up too early because of a fresh layer of snow and
a cloudless sky. It was nothing like the sunny mornings back
home, but in its way, it was even better.

The sun shining in his face woke him, and he took one good

look outside and was sitting in his car half an hour later. He was
already on his way out of town when he realized it was too silent
in the car and that he didn’t want to be alone today. That was
new and it was scary and he didn’t seem to be able to care.

He barged into Gabriel’s building, hesitated only briefly

before knocking, and was proud of himself for not turning
around when a strange guy in a bathrobe opened the door.

“I’m looking for Gabriel.”
The guy pointed to a door, stifled a yawn, and disappeared

into the room opposite the door he pointed at, probably back to
his bed. Jake knocked on Gabriel’s door, and when there was
no answer, he hesitantly opened the door and slipped inside.

Gabriel was still sleeping, face barely visible under a pile of

blankets, arms hugging a pillow close. He looked cute and
innocent and so incredibly beautiful. Jake wanted to sit down on
the floor and spend his day watching him. He wanted to kiss him
awake. Instead, he looked around for a way to wake him up, for
a way a straight man would use to wake up a friend. He settled
for turning on the radio and sat back on the desk chair leafing

for turning on the radio and sat back on the desk chair leafing
through one of Gabriel textbooks as he waited for him to wake
up. He had to turn the volume up quite a bit before Gabriel even
stirred. By then he had lost his patience and simply called his
name, waving the coffee he got him on the way under his nose.

Finally his eyes opened, the confusion on his face almost

comical, his happy smile heartwrenching.

Don’t smile at me like that, I’m already lost.
“I’m taking you snowboarding,” Jake said.
A yawn followed. “What the hell are you talking about,

dude?”

“You said you wanted to learn. I’m going now.”
“Normal people use the phone, Jake.” But his grin showed

no annoyance at all. He grabbed the coffee from Jake, took a
sip, and jumped out of bed.

Jake’s jaw dropped when he realized Gabriel was naked,

and he couldn’t help looking at him and his morning wood and
that perfect, perfect body.

Screw snowboarding, let’s stay in bed all day.
He hoped he was quick enough in looking away again and

sincere enough in his growl that Gabriel should put some clothes
on.

Gabriel only grinned. “That’s what you get when you come

into my room uninvited.”

Then what do I get when I am invited?
Gabriel turned around to get dressed, unfortunately

showing off an even more perfect ass, and again Jake could only
hope his ogling wasn’t too obvious.

I

T

TURNED

out to be one of those days that was simply perfect.

I

T

TURNED

out to be one of those days that was simply perfect.

There wasn’t a moment of silence or discomfort between them.
They laughed, they talked, and most of all, they played. Gabriel,
being an athletic guy, took to the boarding very fast. Soon they
were racing each other down the slopes. Jake hung a bit back,
simply to give Gabriel the pleasure of winning at least once. He
watched the supple movement of the other man with admiration,
until Gabriel suddenly seemed to make a wrong move and
toppled over. He fell awkwardly, rolling down the slope too fast
and too far, until he finally lay still, too still.

Haven’t you learned yet that perfect never lasts? he

asked himself as he came to a stop next to Gabriel. He knelt
down, already fumbling for his phone to call for an ambulance.
Gabriel was shaking, and Jake was already going over what kind
of brain damage could cause that kind of convulsing, when he
noticed the broad smile on Gabriel’s face and the pure joy in his
eyes. The kid was laughing. He had just made a death-fall, and
he was still laughing. Gabriel’s teammates could call it “giving it
his all” all they wanted, but Jake knew an adrenaline junkie when
he saw one.

When Gabriel tried to sit up, he pushed him back. “You

could have broken your whole body.”

“I haven’t. I know what broken bones feel like,

remember?”

“I also know what you look like when you’re high on

adrenaline, remember?” he threw back, trying so hard not to
answer that smile.

“True. So it’s a good thing I brought my personal doctor.”

Gabriel stayed still during most of Jake’s check for injuries, but
moved a bit uncomfortably when Jake carefully inspected his
lower back, hips, and pelvis.

“Does that hurt?” Jake looked up only to see Gabriel avoid

“Does that hurt?” Jake looked up only to see Gabriel avoid

his eyes.

“No,” Gabriel said shortly, without elaborating. Jake

ignored it further, standing up and holding out a hand for Gabriel
to pull himself up with. Gabriel still avoided his eyes and stood
with his body turned away, like he didn’t want Jake to see
something.

“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Gabriel snapped back, and he was off, at a

much more sensible pace than before.

Jake followed him down, a stone weighing heavy in his

stomach.

What did I do wrong?
When they came down the mountain, Gabriel still seemed a

bit uncomfortable, but the smile was back on his face. “I’m
sitting this one out. You go do one of the black slopes. I know
you must be bored sick of this kiddy shit.”

“You sure?” And when Gabriel nodded, he was off without

hesitating.

There was no feeling like plummeting down a mountain like

that. Without Gabriel to look after, Jake forgot about safety and
sensibility and all the things he lectured Gabriel about. There was
only him and the snow and the fastest way down. It was pure
and utter joy, his thoughts coming to a halt, and he finally felt
alive again.

“Look who’s the adrenaline junky now.” Gabriel smirked

at him when they met up at the bottom. “If I play like you go
down that mountain, I understand why everyone thinks I have a
death wish.”

Jake stopped grinning. The blood racing through his veins

suddenly felt cold. He didn’t like Gabriel comparing them in that.

suddenly felt cold. He didn’t like Gabriel comparing them in that.
He didn’t want to think about the possibility of Gabriel needing
the adrenaline to drive away his demons as well. He couldn’t
stand the thought of Gabriel’s grin being a mask like his own.

“Jake, man, what the fuck happened to you?” Gabriel

asked with concern in his voice.

He shrugged, avoiding Gabriel’s eyes. “Nothing happened.

I know what I’m doing going down.”

“I’m not talking about you almost killing yourself racing

down that mountain. I’m talking about the reason you look like
you feel like shit.”

“I’m fine.”
“Look at me and say that again.”
Jake didn’t understand the patience, the concern in

Gabriel’s voice. He knew why he himself cared so much, but
why did Gabriel? He looked up, a wry smile on his lips. “What
do you want me to say?”

“I want you to trust me.”
The “why?” slipped out before he could stop it.
“Because you are my friend” was the answer, and though

expected, it wasn’t enough, and Jake shook his head.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s better.” Gabriel’s eyes softened, and Jake’s

stomach made a tumble and the lump in his throat grew. “At least
you’re being honest now. I wish you would just talk about it, but
I understand if you don’t trust me yet.”

He was drowning in eyes he should not drown in. He was

falling so hard for this twenty-two-year-old kid, who didn’t even
understand what he was doing to him, and it needed to stop
before he did something stupid like kiss him, or answer his
questions.

And then his phone rang, and the tension between them

burst like a soap bubble.

“Hey, Jilly, what is it?” he answered.
“Your brother has just been brought into the ER.”
“That’s impossible. He’s in LA.”
“He’s here, and he’s going into surgery any minute now.”

Her voice dripped with sympathy. “It doesn’t look good, Jake.
Be here soon.”

“I’m on my way,” he said with a calm he didn’t feel, and

she ended the call. He didn’t move, however. It was Gabriel
who pried the phone out of his hand and led him to the car.

“Where to?” was all he asked.

G

ABRIEL

stayed at his side all those long hours spent pacing

through the waiting room, and every time Jake tried to send him
home, he was grateful when Gabriel refused. Those were the
only moments they said anything. Fear had made it impossible to
open his mouth without having to bite back a scream. It was so
bad that he had Gabriel call his parents for him.

Not again was all that circled around in his head. He knew

with a certainty that he would break into pieces if his little brother
died, knowing it was his fault Benjamin was here in the first
place. Time seemed to have slowed, seconds and minutes didn’t
quite grow into hours, and his world shrunk until there was
nothing but the waiting room and the operating table that held his
brother. He had been here countless times to inform distraught
family members about their loved ones. He had seen people fall
apart in grief or explode with relief, but never before had he
really understood how they felt.

A century seemed to pass before the door opened and a

A century seemed to pass before the door opened and a

surgeon, who was vaguely familiar to Jake, walked toward him,
a tired smile on her face. “He’s stable,” she said before he could
even ask. “His injuries are severe. He had a ruptured spleen, and
we had to remove part of the liver. The rest are cuts and bruises.
He’ll probably have a concussion, but there’s no way to tell that
before he’s awake.”

Jake tried to speak, but he couldn’t because he was

sobbing that hard.

“He’ll be fine?” Gabriel asked for him.
“Probably. He hasn’t woken up yet.”
Jake couldn’t feel relieved. He knew too well how often

people died even after a successful surgery. “Can… can I…
see… him?” he brought out between strangled sobs.

The surgeon nodded.
When he saw Benjamin lying in that hospital bed, all pale

and quiet, a large bruise on his cheek, and connected to all sorts
of machinery, he fell apart again. He had wanted to check the
chart for himself, inspect Benjamin’s vitals, but all he could do
was cry. He had forgotten Gabriel was still with him until he felt
Gabriel’s hand on his shoulder, warm and heavy and immensely
comforting. He couldn’t believe how much that helped, that just
the silent comfort of a friend was enough to help him find his way
out of the panic gripping him, was enough to take control over
his breathing, slow it down until the sobs were just heavy breaths
and the tears had stopped flowing over his cheeks.

Gabriel urged him toward a chair, and he slumped down,

only feeling how tired he was now that he was sitting. He
grabbed his brother’s hand in both of his, bent his head to press
a kiss on the back of it, and, too tired to lift it again, rested his
head on his arms. Then he prayed. For the first time in years, he
prayed to a God he had lost faith in five years, eleven months,

prayed to a God he had lost faith in five years, eleven months,
and eighteen days ago.

When he woke up after what seemed like hours, but was

probably not more than an hour later, Gabriel was still there. He
sat in a chair on the other side of the room, long legs stretched
out, head resting against the wall, long lashes throwing shadows
over his cheeks. Jake could do nothing but stare, for a moment
forgetting where he was and why. A soft croak brought him out
of his stupor.

“Water,” his brother said, his voice a broken whisper.
He looked up into familiar hazel eyes that were unnaturally

tired with an edge of pain, but still holding that spark of joy that
he had only seen his brother’s eyes without once. He smiled so
broadly his face hurt, and he scrambled to give his brother some
water.

Benjamin pulled his face into something that resembled his

usual smile. “So I thought I’d go and see you at work.”

Jake didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Why didn’t you

just call me, Benji?”

“Because you would’ve told… me not to come.” He

gestured toward the water, and Jake gave him another sip.

He looked up because of the sound of the chair scraping

against the floor, and he saw Gabriel making his way out. The
younger man turned in the doorway. “I’ll give you some space.
I’ll be in the cafeteria if you need me.”

Jake smiled at him and turned back to his brother. “You

almost died, Benji,” he said, voice breaking. “So telling you not
to come was probably a good plan.”

“It’s not your fault I was in a car accident,” Benjamin said

slowly. “I don’t want you to blame yourself for this too.”

“I don’t blame myself,” he lied.

“I don’t blame myself,” he lied.
Benjamin shook his head with a pained grimace on his face.

“Of course you do, big bro. You’ve always blamed yourself for
everything. Isn’t that the reason you moved to this godforsaken
place in the first place?”

“It’s not that bad,” Jake threw back, wondering why,

whatever happened, it always came back to bickering with his
brother.

“It’s cold, it’s dark, and there’s fifteen fucking inches of

snow. You grew up on the beach, man. You can’t tell me you
got used to this shit.”

He didn’t answer. They had been through this before and

would be again. “I’m not moving back.”

“I’m not asking you to move back, you freaking idiot. I’m

asking you to come home for Christmas this year.”

Jake felt the tears burn behind his eyes again. He bit his lip

to keep another sob in.

“We miss you, Jay.” His brother seemed close to tears

himself.

He grabbed his brother’s hand again and pressed it against

his face. He knew what he should say. It was so simple. Yes, I’ll
come home for the holidays. Yes, I’ll stop breaking Mom and
Dad’s hearts by staying here in the cold and the dark and in
a house that’s still as littered with boxes as the day I moved
in. It seemed so easy to make everyone happy. If only it hadn’t
been impossible.

Benjamin’s breathing evened out as he fell asleep again.

Jake closed his eyes but didn’t sleep again, kept awake by fears
and memories.

“Are you happy?” was the first thing Benjamin asked when

he woke up again.

I don’t know. I don’t think so. How could I be?
“Do you at least like it here?”
That question was easier to answer. “Yes, I like my work,

and I have some friends, and you can’t believe the snowboarding
here.” He put up a brave smile.

“Good.” Benjamin sighed. “Maybe you’ll be happy again in

a while. At least you seem to be moving on.”

“Huh?”
“Your boyfriend?”
“Did you hit your head after all?”
“The guy that you were giving googly eyes before, that was

sitting right there?”

He pointed at the empty chair, and Jake looked that way

only to see Gabriel standing in the doorway, eyes wide, mouth
open in shock. It was not the way you wanted someone to look
when he found out you liked him. He was too late with his denial,
too late because Gabriel didn’t seem to hear it. He tore around
and was off, almost running away.

He laid his head back onto his brother’s bed. “He’s not my

boyfriend. He didn’t even know I am gay.”

“I’m sorry, Jay,” Benjamin said, putting a hand on his

shoulder, a hand that didn’t feel half as good as Gabriel’s hand
had earlier.

It didn’t matter. He had always known it had been hopeless

from the start. He had lost a friend. That was all. He still had his
brother. That was what mattered. Gabriel was just a crush, and
he would get over him. Period.

B

UT

when he came home from the hospital, a dark figure sat on

his front steps. Jake recognized him immediately and slowed
down, ready to run. His heart beat so hard it hurt.

What is he doing here?
“Hey,” he said, voice carefully guarded.
Gabriel stood up. He was soaked through. He must have

been waiting here forever. “Hey,” he answered, a tense smile on
his face. “Can we talk?”

Jake rubbed his face. He was not in the mood for this,

whatever it was. He sighed and opened the door, signaling
Gabriel to follow him in. They didn’t make it farther than the
hallway before Gabriel spoke to his back. “I’m sorry for running
out like that.”

Jake didn’t turn around. “It’s all right. It freaked you out.”

It disgusted you. I disgust you.

“I… I… needed to think, needed to figure things out.”

Gabriel softly put a hand on Jake’s shoulder, turning him around.
He didn’t see loathing now, only saw nervousness in those big
pools of blue, saw him gulping as if he tried to get up the nerve to
say something, saw him tremble.

“What’s there to figure out?” Jake asked, too harsh, way

too harsh to fit the softness in Gabriel’s eyes.

“Just this,” Gabriel mumbled, taking a step closer and

sliding his hand up the back of Jake’s neck.

What the fuck is he doing?
And then he knew. Gabriel leaned forward and pressed his

lips against Jake’s. He kissed him, pressure soft and tentative,
lips moving on his, and Jake was too stupid, too dumbstruck to
respond even though electricity raced through his body.

The hand on his neck fell away. Gabriel moved back, hurt

clouding his usually so-bright eyes. “I guess not….” Gabriel
smiled wryly and turned around to leave. He already had his

smiled wryly and turned around to leave. He already had his
hand on the knob, the door partly open, when Jake finally
snapped out of it.

“Don’t go,” he begged. Reaching out, he grabbed Gabriel’s

arm when he didn’t listen. Gabriel tried to shake him off, but he
didn’t let go. “Don’t go.”

Finally Gabriel turned around. “Why?”
“Because I’m an idiot,” Jake answered, stepping closer

when Gabriel still wouldn’t budge. He ran his thumb over
Gabriel’s bottom lip like he had wanted to do so many times.
“Because you’re not the only one who’s confused.” He eased
closer until they were only inches apart. “Because I really want
to try that kiss over again.”

Gabriel’s breath hitched in his throat, and they stood there

staring at each other, and now it was Jake who breached the
space between them. The first kiss was just a brushing of lips,
the second lingered, lips moving slowly, still uncertain. And
Gabriel responded; his lips parted and the cutest whimper
sounded and his tongue sneaked out to get a first taste. Now it
was Jake who whimpered as he pressed Gabriel against the wall,
kicking the door shut in the same movement. His hands wrapped
into Gabriel’s hair. Gabriel’s hands wandered over his back, one
of them settling on his hip, pulling him so close Jake could feel
the hard lines of Gabriel’s body. Jake felt Gabriel shivering
against him, felt the goose bumps on Gabriel’s skin, and after a
last lingering moment, Jake pulled away.

Gabriel looked at him with half-lidded eyes and a lazy

smile. The smoldering look in his eyes almost made Jake lean in
to kiss him again. Instead, he pulled back, with great difficulty
that was made even harder by the reluctance with which Gabriel
let him go. Gabriel’s chest heaved, and Jake couldn’t resist
placing a hand on it to feel if his heart raced as Jake’s did.

placing a hand on it to feel if his heart raced as Jake’s did.
Gabriel cocked his head and looked mildly confused.

“You’re freezing,” Jake said, his voice sounding like he

hadn’t used it in days.

Gabriel chuckled. “Then keep me warm.” He wrapped his

arms around Jake’s waist and pulled him close, lips tracing
Jake’s jaw, hot air tickling his neck. “Or even better, come take
a shower with me.”

Now it was Gabriel who pulled back. With an easy one-

handed motion, he pulled his sweater over his head, showing off
that incredible body. He turned around, threw a smoldering look
over his shoulder, and bounced up the stairs. With a grin, and
not too steady on his legs, Jake followed him up at a more
sensible pace. When he reached the first floor, Jake heard the
sound of running water, and when Jake entered the room,
Gabriel was already standing under streaming water. Jake
whimpered when he took in the broad shoulders that tapered
into a narrow waist, an ass to die for, and those long, long
muscled legs.

He took his clothes off in a haze, everything blurring except

the man standing under his shower. He stepped in behind Gabriel
and waited to wake up, waited for the dream to snap. He
watched a drop of water as it made its way down Gabriel’s
perfect body. He took in all the details, couldn’t stop looking,
and was scared the spell could break in the next instant.

He reached out a hand, and carefully, like Gabriel was a

soap bubble ready to pop, let it travel the same path his eyes
had, from the nape of his neck down his side to his hips. There
he hesitated, then couldn’t resist sliding his hand to the front,
getting a feel of well-defined abs as Gabriel made a sound deep
in his throat. That sound did it. Jake’s hesitation evaporated and
he pushed himself against Gabriel’s back, hands exploring

he pushed himself against Gabriel’s back, hands exploring
everywhere, and when Gabriel turned his head, he ravaged his
mouth. Jake’s erection was caught between their bodies, and he
groaned when Gabriel pushed his ass back to increase the
friction. He wrapped his hand around Gabriel’s dick and
massaged it with ever-increasing confidence as Gabriel was
coming undone in front of him. He tried to turn him around,
wanting to see him, wanting to fall on his knees to taste him, but
Gabriel shook his head.

“No time… need you… now,” he panted, eyes dark with

lust.

“Fuck,” Jake mumbled, letting his head fall and rest on

Gabriel’s shoulder. Never, not even in my wildest dreams….
He slowly cupped an ass cheek, fingers moving up and down the
crack, fingering the pucker, feeling Gabriel tremble against him as
he slipped the tip of one finger inside. Tight, so tight…. Going
slow, Jake pushed his finger inside, exploring his inner walls,
pushing in and pulling out, adding another finger, dropping a kiss
on Gabriel’s shoulder at the sound of discomfort that caused. He
took his time to prep him. Just before pulling out, he searched for
the spot, and when Jake found it, Gabriel made a strangled
sound and his entire body jerked violently. He rubbed the spot
again, and again Gabriel jerked. It’s almost as if …. He pulled
his fingers back, wrapped his arms around the young hockey
player and pulled himself flush against him. Skin against skin, so
good…. Jake rubbed his face against Gabriel’s neck and asked
in a hoarse voice, “Are you a virgin, Gabe?”

Gabriel hesitated for a moment before shaking his head.

“I’ve slept with men before….”

“But?”
“Never as the bottom.” He sneaked a hand back and

wrapped it around Jake’s dick, working on it in a manner that

wrapped it around Jake’s dick, working on it in a manner that
showed he had definitely done that before. Jake buried his face
against Gabriel’s neck as fire ripped through his body. “Why
does it matter?”

“Just curious,” Jake growled and kissed the skin just below

his hairline. “Are you sure?” he asked as an afterthought. Even
before he finished the question, he could’ve hit himself. What if
he said no?

Gabriel turned his head and looked at him with lust-blown

eyes, pupils so large they almost hid out the blue. “Do I look like
I don’t want this?” He braced himself against the wall, spreading
his legs almost whorishly to give Jake all the room he needed.
Hot, so hot….

It was more than he could have wished for, more than he

could’ve imagined, more than what should realistically happen.
He felt more than lust, more than desire. It was pure and utter
hunger. He was starving for this man and for what they might be.
It should have been terrifying, but for once he didn’t think, didn’t
care, only wanted, needed with an urgency that made everything
simple.

He detested the seconds needed to grab the lube and

condoms that lay forgotten in the medicine cabinet for longer
than Jake cared to remember, and he barely had the sense to
check the expiration date. Luck was on his side for once, if not
by much.

Gloved up and royally lubricated, he hurried back to the

shower, and without pause he positioned himself in front of
Gabriel’s entrance. He tried to be so careful as he pushed in, but
couldn’t prevent the slow hiss of pain and the tensing of
Gabriel’s body. “Relax, Gabe, just relax,” he murmured, lips
tracing Gabriel’s shoulder. Gabriel sighed and a bit of the tension
left the body that was trembling beneath him. Jake slowly pushed

left the body that was trembling beneath him. Jake slowly pushed
in completely and bit his lip as the heat engulfed him. He
wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s body, craving that contact of
skin on skin, nibbling on Gabriel’s neck. Gabriel moved his hand
back and stroked the place where their bodies connected. “So
full,” he whispered. “I never imagined it would feel like this.”

Gabriel turned his head around, blinking to get the water

out of his eyes, blue eyes full of wonder and want and that
softness that might become love, maybe, if it got the time to
grow. That smile, it added a warmth even hotter than the desire
flooding Jake already. That soft brushing of lips, a kiss so slow
and languid that it didn’t seem real. Just this, this moment, this
perfect happiness.

It could be no more than a moment, even if it lasted

forever.

Then Gabriel braced himself against the wall and pushed

back as a sign that he wanted Jake to move. And just like it had
been Jake’s wish to stay as they were for the rest of eternity,
now he wanted nothing more than to feel his dick sliding in and
out of that beautiful, beautiful man, to possess him completely, to
make him his, if only for this moment. So slowly, so carefully, he
pulled out, growling with the effort of not slamming back in. He
had been wanting Gabriel too long. But still he managed to keep
the pace contained, not to slam back in, to take it slow, to use
his dick to stroke the boy in places he had never been stroked
before, to build it slowly, to have him whimper when he aimed
right, but still only giving him a small taste at first, giving him more
and more until he was begging under him, every pump of his hips
a little bit stronger, hitting that spot every time and every time a
bit harder. Gabriel was falling apart under him, legs trembling,
head hanging, and all that came from his lips were little moans,
little moans and Jake’s name in soft sighs.

little moans and Jake’s name in soft sighs.

Jake was at a completely other place right now, lasting

where he humanly shouldn’t be lasting, wishing it never needed
to stop. Gabriel’s muscles tightened around him, making him so
tight it almost hurt in that excruciating I-don’t-care-if-my-dick-
snaps-off-as-long-as-I-can-keep-doing-this kind of way. His
movements became frantic, and the eruption built up in his belly.
He finally gave Gabriel the hand he had been begging for, for
ages now, and that was all it took. Gabriel uttered a strange
sound and shuddered in his hand and around his dick and
tightened so much that Jake wouldn’t have been able to keep
back even if he had wanted to. He rammed into Gabriel and
made him scream one last time before he emptied himself deep
inside his body. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s waist.
Jake’s head lolled forward and his body filled with that mix of
exhaustion and tranquility that only really good sex with the right
person could give you, that would only last until the blood
returned to your head and you could think about it.

Gabriel dropped forward against the wall and slowly sank

down, taking Jake with him. It took a while before they were
comfortable, Gabriel sitting with his back against the wall, and
Jake sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest, one hand
playing with Gabriel’s hair, the other entwining with his fingers.

They sat like that for a while, sharing sweet kisses and

tender caresses that came with simply being and doing what felt
right. It didn’t agree with talking, and when Gabriel broke the
silence, Jake wished he hadn’t.

“Tell me about him,” Gabriel said softly, voice trembling.
Jake sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “Who do

you mean?” he asked, though he understood perfectly well what
Gabriel was asking him.

“The guy that hurt you so much that you left everything you

“The guy that hurt you so much that you left everything you

loved behind. The guy your brother mentioned it was time to get
over.”

Jake laughed, a harsh laugh that showed just how wrong

Gabriel was. A bad breakup? If it were only that simple.

Gabriel cupped his cheek, tracing his jaw. “Don’t do this.”

He brushed a kiss on his lips. “Don’t shut me out.”

Jake looked up to meet his eyes, surprised to see the

vulnerability in them. He sighed, untangled himself from his lover,
stood up, and turned off the shower. When he looked back, he
saw how hard Gabriel was trying to look indifferent. He smiled
slightly and held out his hand to pull him up. “Not here, okay?”
he whispered. “Let’s get dressed first. I’ll tell you, I promise.”

H

E

FOUND

all those little excuses to wait. First they had to get

dressed. Then he had to turn on the heating. Then he had to
make coffee and sandwiches neither of them would eat. All the
time Gabriel watched him patiently, stretched out on his couch,
looking at how he nervously paced around his living room.
Finally he couldn’t find anything more to do, and he sat down on
the edge of the couch, not meeting Gabriel’s eyes when he
started his tale. He started at the beginning, mostly because he
really didn’t want to come to the end of it.

“Sean….” Even saying the name hurt in that frozen place

deep inside him. “I met him when I was sixteen; he was two
years younger, and the moment I saw him, everything changed.”
He still saw him coming out of the water that first morning, all
bronze skin and sun-kissed hair and a smile that branded his
heart instantly. “We were drawn together, first as friends, and
soon much more than that.” An early morning, sun barely rising,
the thrill of capturing a wave perfectly, a friendly tumble that

the thrill of capturing a wave perfectly, a friendly tumble that
ended in Sean laying on top of him, staring at him with chocolate
eyes, a tightening in his crotch, that vibe going between them until
Sean breached the invisible barrier between them and kissed
him. “He was my first kiss, my first love, my first… everything.”
His eyes burned from tears that didn’t come out. “Sean lived for
the waves and I… I was glad I could dream with him. We talked
about traveling the world after high school, but my parents
insisted I finished college first. Maybe… if they hadn’t….” His
voice sounded strange, emotionless to his own ears. Shouldn’t it
be better by now? Shouldn’t it stop hurting?

“He didn’t wait for you?” Gabriel asked softy, a hand

caressing his neck.

Jake shook his head. “Oh… he waited. Maybe if he

hadn’t…. He went to college too. More to goof around than to
study. Not me, though. If I do something, I go all in. I was
premed, because that’s the only thing I saw myself doing if I
couldn’t make pro as a surfer.” He leaned his head in his hands.
He had to force himself to keep breathing, to keep talking. “Sean
liked to go surfing in the early morning… when it was quiet and
we were the only ones out there…. Normally I went with him…
but that morning… I had a midterm, a fucking midterm that was
so important that it destroyed everything.” It hurt to breathe. The
blood that pounded in his ears sounded a lot like “your fault”
repeated over and over again. “Can you believe I aced that
midterm? I don’t even remember what it was about, but I aced
it, and then I came home and—” He still couldn’t say it out loud.
“A freak accident, they called it.” A fall from his board, hitting his
head and drowning. “He fucking drowned.” His Sean, the guy
who could ride any wave, who felt more comfortable in the
water than on the land, his vibrant, energetic, full-of-life Sean
was suddenly reduced to a waxen puppet buried deep under the

was suddenly reduced to a waxen puppet buried deep under the
ground.

“He died?” Gabriel asked softly, tightening his arms around

him, kissing tears away Jake never realized he’d shed.

He just nodded, still unable to say the words. “I hated the

sun for still shining and the waves for still being perfect and
everyone around me for getting over him, so I packed my bag
and went the farthest north I could get. I would’ve gone to
Alaska, but I didn’t want to live near the ocean anymore.”

“I’m so sorry for you, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to

say, I don’t know what to do,” Gabriel said, his voice trembling.
Jake let himself be held tightly, probably for the first time since
Sean died. That thought was a shock. It was six years ago. It
was six years ago next month, and still he couldn’t say the
words.

“He’s dead,” Jake said, tasting the words in his mouth.

“He’s been dead for almost six years.” For some strange reason,
saying it didn’t feel as bad as thinking it.

“You’re still alive,” Gabriel said softly.
“That doesn’t make it stop hurting,” Jake said, just as

softly.

“It will keep hurting. Believe me, it will never stop hurting.

Because no matter how long ago it is, he will stay gone, and
there’s a hole in the world that he is supposed to be in.”

Jake looked at Gabriel and saw a pain etched on his face

that mirrored his own. He stroked his cheek and asked softly,
“Who?”

“My mom,” Gabriel sighed. “She died when I was fifteen,

and every time I go home, I still expect her to be standing in the
kitchen baking me cookies. So I understand you running away. I
begged my dad to sell the house at first. Now I’m glad he didn’t.
You’ve gotta stop running, Jake. It’ll destroy you.”

You’ve gotta stop running, Jake. It’ll destroy you.”

“Just stop it?”
“And start living again,” Gabriel said.
“I thought I was doing that,” Jake threw back. I’m here

with you now, right? was what he didn’t say.

“Really?” Gabriel said, pointing around him. “This is a great

house, but you have boxes standing all over the place, your
television is standing on a crate, there’s practically no food in
your fridge, and your couch looks like you’ve dragged it in from
the streets.”

“I work eighty hours a week. Most of the time I’m at

home, I sleep. So what if I haven’t gotten around to buying
furniture?”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. Jake didn’t respond, too

stubborn to admit Gabriel was right.

Gabriel closed his eyes and let his head rest on the couch.

Then he sighed, very deep. He bit his lip and turned his head to
Jake. “I’m going now.” He stood up, pressed a kiss on Jake’s
lips, and walked out. For a moment Jake just sat there, stunned
as Gabriel walked away.

Then he chased after him. “What the fuck are you doing?”

he asked, forcefully turning him around. “What the fuck does that
mean?”

I trusted you. I fucking poured my heart out.
“I thought you understood.”
I told no one, I told you because I wanted you to stay.
Gabriel looked close to tears. “I do. I’m giving you space.”
“I don’t need space.”
“Yes, you do, and I certainly need space. I thought I had to

compete with an asshole who broke your heart, but I can’t
compete with a dead guy, Jake.” He yanked his arm loose and

compete with a dead guy, Jake.” He yanked his arm loose and
bolted out the door.

Jake stood there staring at the door until his legs started

aching, and he realized he should be feeling something. Shouldn’t
he be sad? Shouldn’t he be heartbroken for the betrayal? But all
that started to boil inside him was anger. Gabriel had brought him
down onto his knees and then thrown him away the second he
thought it was going to be difficult. The kid was an idiot. He
knew nothing. He saw problems where there were none. His
house had nothing to do with Sean. He wasn’t still running away.
He was just too busy to unpack.

And too busy to go home for Christmas? an unwelcome

thought interjected.

He groaned and walked back to his living room with stiff

but decisive steps. He would prove them all wrong. Gabriel,
Benjamin, his parents, everyone. He was as over Sean as he
would ever be. He was living, and he would start by unpacking
those boxes.

The next few weeks passed in a haze of work, hospital

visits, phone calls to his family, furniture shopping and unpacking.
It was strangely liberating to finally make the place his own. With
every box that was emptied, he felt more grounded somehow,
like this was the place he was supposed to be in.

Finally there was only one box left, the box he had never

intended to have here but his mother had sent to him when she
found it hidden in the attic where it was supposed to stay. It was
the box of Sean, the box with memories of a life meant to be
spent together. All those little things: postcards and photos,
Sean’s favorite sweater, the insane propeller hat Sean had
bought him as a joke and he had barely taken off all summer, the
mixtape Sean had made for him at their two-year anniversary,
and so, so much more.

and so, so much more.

When he opened the box, he felt like he was slapped in the

face. He wasn’t ready, would never be ready, couldn’t deal with
the memories. He was already halfway to the attic to tuck the
box somewhere far away, where he could forget it was there
once again, when he stopped in his tracks.

“I’m done running,” he mumbled and carried the box back

down. He cried while he went through the box, while he relived
amazing moments and priceless memories. He cried for Sean
and the life they were supposed to have, for the man he had
been and would never be again, and he cried because he finally
admitted that Sean was dead and would never be more than a
memory.

B

ENJAMIN

’

S

face lit up when Jake entered his room. “I’m so

bored,” he complained. “The TV here sucks big time.”

“You should’ve thought about that before you crashed your

car,” Jake threw back, and he dropped down on the chair next
to the bed. “What did you expect, cable?”

“Yeah, aren’t they supposed to make me comfortable?”

Benjamin muttered and stared at the cup in Jake’s hand. “Is that
what I think it is?”

“If you think it’s a large mocha latte with extra cream,

you’re about right.” He pretended to take a sip of it and laughed
out loud at the attempts of his brother to get to his drink.

“For me?” Benji begged. “The coffee here is even worse

than the TV.”

Jake decided against teasing him any longer and handed

him the coffee. He grinned at the look of intense pleasure on his
brother’s face as he sipped his treat and grabbed the remote to

brother’s face as he sipped his treat and grabbed the remote to
switch the channel to college hockey. He followed that fervently
now, even though he denied to himself that it had anything to do
with wanting to see Gabriel.

“You’re different,” Benjamin remarked. Jake looked up to

see his brother studying his face. “I don’t know what’s the
matter, but you look better. Does it have anything to do with that
friend you have a crush on?”

Jake sighed. “Yes and no,” he answered truthfully, much to

Benjamin’s dismay.

“That’s not an answer.”
“It is.”
“It’s not. You’ve just told me exactly nothing. Did you see

him again?”

Images of Gabriel’s naked body flashed before his eyes.

“You can say that.” He didn’t add anything else as he tried to
drive the memories away.

His brother groaned when he kept silent for too long.

“You’re not giving me anything again. Tell. Me. What.
Happened!” When Jake only raised an eyebrow, he added, “I
almost died for you. I’m dying of boredom now—you owe me!”
Benjamin put on puppy-dog eyes not unlike Gabriel’s but much
less effective. Still, he gave in, if only because he was going crazy
thinking about it and maybe talking would help him clear his
head.

“It’s complicated.”
“When isn’t it when it comes to you?”
“Sean wasn’t.” He was surprised how easily that came out.

How he could say his name now without the pain tearing him
apart.

Benjamin stared at him with eyes wide in surprise. “You

are different. I don’t think I’ve heard you say his name since the

are different. I don’t think I’ve heard you say his name since the
funeral. What happened?”

Jake sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “Gabriel.”

That one word should have said it all, but of course it only
confused his brother even more. “I’ve no idea how to explain it.”

“Just start at the beginning.”
If he only knew what the beginning was. “Gabriel showed

up at my house.”

“When?”
“Weeks ago.”
“And now you tell me.”
“I didn’t know you had anything to do with my love life.”
“So there’s a love life.” Benjamin sat up straight in his bed,

leaning forward with his eyes gleaming with curiosity.

“There is… well was… might be…. God I don’t know.”

Jake sighed again and rubbed his face. “Anyway, I told him
about Sean.”

“You did? You never talk about that! You told me no one

here knows! You must really like him. That’s so great!”
Benjamin was almost bouncing around in happiness.

“Are you going to have a party, or do you want to hear

what happened?” Benjamin pouted and was quiet again, but the
grin stayed on his face. “There’s no happy ending to this anyway.
He walked out on me afterward.”

Now, when he needed questions to keep going, his brother

was quiet, the grin wiped of his face, hand reaching toward his.
Luckily there was only one question that needed to be answered
and that was “why?”

“He told me that he couldn’t compete with Sean, that I was

still running away.” Jake swallowed his tears.

“He is right, you know,” his brother said softly. “I wouldn’t

“He is right, you know,” his brother said softly. “I wouldn’t

be here if he wasn’t.”

“Does it matter?” Jake said. “I lost him anyway.”
“Did you?”
Jake stared at his brother for a long moment. Then he

turned around and almost ran out of the room.

F

OR

the second time in a few weeks, he barged into Gabriel’s

room uninvited. Gabriel was sitting cross-legged on his bed,
staring at a textbook.

“You’re not,” Jake said, standing in the doorway, suddenly

shy again.

Gabriel looked up and sighed. “Close the door, please.”
Jake did as he was asked, suddenly realizing there might be

another problem in their insane relationship or whatever it was.
But that had to wait. “You’re not competing with Sean.”

“Do I remind you of him?” Gabriel asked softly. “Is that

why you like me?”

Jake stared at Gabriel, stunned by the question, by the

vulnerability in Gabriel’s eyes. “No… Sean is dead.” He
swallowed after those words, waiting for tears that didn’t come.
“But I’m not and you’re not, and when you smile at me, I feel
things that I had forgotten.” He walked closer and pulled the
book out of Gabriel’s hands. “You make me laugh even though I
thought I would never really smile again.” Jake sat across from
Gabriel and stroked his cheekbone with the back of his hand.
“Since I first saw you, I’ve tried to figure out what color your
eyes are. I’ve come to cornflower blue, but it still feels wrong.”

“Glacier blue,” Gabriel said, catching his hand and pressing

it against his face. “That’s what mom used to call it.”

it against his face. “That’s what mom used to call it.”

Jake shook his head. “Not many glaciers where I come

from.”

“I’ll show you sometime,” Gabriel said, smiling at him.
“And that smile,” Jake said. “That’s the second thing I fell

for. That grin, like there are no worries in the world, not even
when you have just broken something for the thousandth time.”
And there it was, that softness in his eyes, that look he had been
hunting after since the moment he met Gabriel.

“You know that I came to the hospital just to see you? I

could’ve gone to the team’s doc, but well….” Gabriel blushed,
looking down. “I asked for you, you know?”

Jake cupped his cheek and forced him to meet his eyes.

“And that blush… I died every time I saw that blush.” He leaned
forward and kissed Gabriel, softly, almost chaste, but with
everything he had in him. “I’m done running now, but I’ll give
you space if that’s what you need.”

Gabriel cupped his face with both hands, pulling him closer,

until they were lying on the bed, lips merged, kissing like their
lives depended on it. That was all the answer he needed.

Their first time had been about urgency and need, Jake’s

head a red-hot haze during all of it. Now everything was clear,
and it felt like time slowed to a standstill. Clothes were shed,
hands, followed by lips and tongue, discovered hard bodies and
sensitive places. There was something unreal about how good it
was, something dreamlike about how natural it felt.

Jake wrapped his hands in Gabriel’s hair and pulled him up

to meet his lips. Those amazing blue eyes looked into Jake’s
openly, no boundaries left, then fluttered shut when Jake met his
mouth. Gabriel slowly sank and relaxed until his body covered
Jake’s completely. Jake’s erection was caught between them,
and he buckled up almost involuntary, a whine leaving his throat.

and he buckled up almost involuntary, a whine leaving his throat.

Gabriel pulled out of the kiss. “Is someone getting

impatient?” He grinned devilishly and started to slide down
Jake’s body, tongue and lips worshiping his chest and stomach
and then—oh God—Jake let out a strangled moan as Gabriel’s
lips wrapped around his dick, and he took him all in one go. And
still, still those blue eyes kept staring into his, the smile shining in
his eyes as Jake fisted his hair. And then, then Gabriel closed his
eyes, and Jake threw his head back as he really went to work.
He bobbed up and down, going torturously slow, teasing him
with teeth and tongue and lips until he was seeing stars and ready
to explode. He was helpless, out of control like he hadn’t been in
years, ready to give it all to Gabriel, and then when he was
shuddering with the need to come, the mouth on his dick pulled
away. Gabriel crawled up again, a Cheshire cat grin on his face.
He straddled Jake, leaned down to kiss him leisurely. Tasting
himself on Gabriel’s lips was almost enough to finish him off
anyway, and for a moment, he had to concentrate on very nasty
things. Then the moment passed, and he could focus on the man
hovering above him again.

Gabriel was studying him with an intense expression, the

smile still covering half of his face. “That good, huh?” He didn’t
wait for an answer, rolled off Jake and walked across the room,
bending over to look for something tucked far away in a drawer.
Jake lay back with his hands under his head and amused himself
with checking out Gabriel’s firm ass.

Gabriel finally found what he was looking for—lube,

hopefully lube—and he turned around. He raised an eyebrow
when he noticed Jake staring at him. “Enjoying the view?”

“Enormously.” Jake made a show of checking him out top

to bottom. It wasn’t hard. It was just very hard to decide where
to focus on. Those amazing sculpted legs? Or the muscled chest?

to focus on. Those amazing sculpted legs? Or the muscled chest?
Or maybe the rippling abs with the erection standing proud in
front of them—yes definitely that. The sound of a chuckle made
his eyes fly upward again.

“Shall I just stay here so you can look at me?”
Jake pretended to think about it. “Maybe later,” he said,

reaching out a hand.

Gabriel grabbed it when he was near enough and laughed

out loud when Jake yanked him back, back to the bed, back to
him, back into his arms, back to where he belonged. Another
long kiss, until a feeling of impatience made them break free.
Gabriel rolled off him and lay at Jake’s side, hand sprawled on
his stomach, as Jake wound his fingers around Gabriel’s dick,
working him with almost furious motions. Gabriel moaned under
the assault, eyes still trained on his face, for the first time some
uncertainty in them.

“I want you,” Jake said softly. Gabriel made a sound in the

back of his throat but didn’t move. “I want you inside of me,” he
clarified. Gabriel’s eyes went wide, and the hand on his stomach
moved a bit down.

“You sure?” he asked, voice hoarse.
“I want it all,” he answered. Not always, not with everyone,

just when he allowed himself to be vulnerable. He wasn’t all that
sure. Not until he felt the slick finger breach his pucker. Not until
he realized how much he had missed the intimacy of his inner
walls being explored. Not until he felt the searching finger flick
over that most sensitive spot, sending waves of pleasure through
all his nerves. Not until he saw the softness in Gabriel’s eyes
again those few seconds before he entered him, a softness that
was drowned out by lust and bliss soon after.

It hurt, but it didn’t matter. In this case—with a man above

him who looked at Jake like Jake was the best thing that ever

him who looked at Jake like Jake was the best thing that ever
happened to him, who was gasping for breath as if he had to get
used to the feeling as much as Jake did—the pain was beauty in
itself. When Gabriel moved, he took it slow and careful, and
every move made Jake gasp for breath as well. And when he
found his rhythm and aimed just right and hit that first brutal blow
against Jake’s sweet spot, something shattered in front of Jake’s
eyes.

His mind stopped working, and he was only body now,

almost instantly reaching for Gabriel, finding his lips, losing
himself in him as their bodies slid together. His dick was caught
between them, and the friction made him whimper, beg for more.

And he got it. Gabriel was fast losing control as well,

pounding in him brutally, almost erratically, every movement
sending a whirlwind of fire through Jake’s veins. The hand on his
dick drove him crazy, and he would’ve screamed if Gabriel
hadn’t silenced him with a kiss. He was shuddering, muscles
spasming uncontrollably, nerves raw and burning, and then it only
took one last hit against his prostate to send him over the edge.
Again it was Gabriel’s mouth that prevented a scream. The dick
still pounding inside him drew out his orgasm to the point where
he couldn’t take it anymore, where it was both too much but
should never end. It continued until he felt the last shudder in
Gabriel’s body, and Gabriel had to hide his face against Jake’s
neck to prevent a scream of his own from escaping.

Jake felt the relaxation come over him as Gabriel fell down

on him. Jake wrapped his arms around him, pulling Gabriel as
close as was humanly possible, closed his eyes, and dozed off.

When he woke up, Gabriel was lying next to him, propped

up on one arm while he traced patterns on Jake’s stomach with
his fingers. The expression on his face was both elated and
peaceful, and his smile was radiant the moment Jake opened his

peaceful, and his smile was radiant the moment Jake opened his
eyes.

“You’re sticky,” Gabriel said as he tapped Jake’s stomach.
“Your fault,” Jake said with a smile.
“Yeah, I know.” Gabriel got a smug grin on his face.
Jake laughed and pulled him closer, nuzzling Gabriel’s neck

and taking in that tantalizing smell of sweat and sex, of musk and
aftershave. He wondered what that lightness in his chest was,
and it took him too long before he realized it was happiness. He
sighed and closed his eyes again. Gabriel leaned his head on
Jake’s shoulder, and his arms tightened around Jake with a
satisfied sigh.

Then in the room next to them, a key was turned in a lock

and a door slammed open and then shut, and Gabriel roughly
pushed him away. There was panic in his eyes as he reached for
his clothes. Then a second door slammed, and Gabriel paused,
pants still undone, shirt in his hands. When there were no more
sounds, he visibly relaxed and sunk back onto the bed, raking his
hands through his hair. Jake’s stomach sunk, and he cursed the
God he didn’t believe in anymore for not making anything easy
for once. He sat up and leaned against Gabriel’s back, wrapping
his arms around him, lips tracing his hairline. He waited for
Gabriel to say something, to do something, to tell him he was
seeing ghosts, but instead, he just sat there.

Finally Jake couldn’t stand it anymore and addressed the

elephant in the room. “So you’re not out, I guess.”

“Out?” Gabriel laughed harshly. “I’m so far in the closet

I’m in fucking Narnia. I play hockey, Jake. I want to play pro
next year. I’m a hockey player, that’s all I am.”

“Is that still necessary?” Jakes asked softly, still hopeful. “I

thought things were getting better.”

thought things were getting better.”

Gabriel shook his head, turning around to face him.

“Maybe they are. But I’m not even started yet. If I come out
now, will I even get signed? There’s teams scouting me now, but
will they still if they know? I might be good, but I’m not that
special. I can’t take that risk. Hockey is all I have, Jake.” He
looked pleadingly at Jake, his puppy-dog-eyed look for once
not an act.

“I understand….” He did. He didn’t like what he heard, but

he did understand. Anyone who had seen Gabriel on the ice
would. Who was he to threaten that? Jake sighed deeply, feeling
old and tired and heavy with defeat. He wanted things to be
simple, uncomplicated. “I just… it’s going to be so damn difficult
to hide who you are.”

“I don’t hide who I am. I just hide who I like to sleep with.”

That hurt. Was he imagining things when he thought it was more
than sex?

“Now, yes… but what if….” He couldn’t continue,

knowing it was too much, too soon. Complications upon
complications, and he didn’t know if he could take it.

“What if what?” Gabriel bit back.
“What if you….” He gulped, hesitating. To hell with it, he

thought and just blurted it out, “What if you fall in love?”

Gabriel fell back onto his bed, arms crossed over his chest.

He stared up at the ceiling, not saying anything. Jake groaned,
rubbing his face, and eventually decided to get dressed. It was
hopeless, and it was time to get out while he still could.

“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“Oh.” Gabriel propped himself up on his elbows, looking

simply delicious with his hair tousled, his lips still swollen, and
half naked. Jake’s gaze wandered over Gabriel’s body,

half naked. Jake’s gaze wandered over Gabriel’s body,
following the sparse chest hair down to the small line on his
stomach that formed a pathway into his pants. He had followed
that path with his hands and mouth not so long ago, and he
would give everything to do it again. Not think, not care, and just
indulge in this young guy, make things easy where they were not
and just for once fucking stop thinking, stop worrying, and just
do. Oh God, how he wanted to be that guy.

He swallowed and shook his head, trying to clear it, to

force the blood from his dick back into his brain.

“Why are you leaving?”
“A million reasons.”
“Name three.” Gabriel raised an eyebrow, a grin forming

around his lips. Jake scowled, and Gabriel shook his head. “Just
trying to lighten the mood here.”

“Don’t.”
“Come on, Jay. Don’t make this so complicated.”
“I’m not making this complicated; it already is.”
“It doesn’t have to be. I like you, you like me. The sex is

great. What’s so complicated about that?” See, Gabriel lived in
the moment. He didn’t care, didn’t think, was an idiot.

Jake smiled wryly. “The part where I do a little more than

just ‘like’ you, the part where you aren’t coming out in the
immediate future, the part where you could be anywhere on the
continent in a year. So to summarize that: the part where liking
you will get me hurt for sure.”

“I never thought you’d be a coward.” There was nothing

playful in Gabriel’s expression now; he was all tension and
nerves even though he never even moved a muscle.

“I’m not a coward. You just don’t think,” Jake snapped.

“You’re too fucking young, and you’ve never had your heart

“You’re too fucking young, and you’ve never had your heart
broken, and I tell you I’m not going through that again.”

Gabriel finally moved, pushing himself up into a sitting

position. There was a softness in his eyes, a softness lined with
the nerves that had been there since his roommate came home.
“I….” He spoke so softly Jake could barely hear him. “I can
break your heart?”

Butterflies assaulted Jake’s insides, and his stomach

clenched in panic. “Not yet,” he said as softly as Gabriel. “But
you will.” With those words he walked away, leaving behind the
one shot at happiness he had run into since Sean.

H

E

WAS

so sure walking out was the only thing to do, that he

had been right. So why did it hurt so much when Gabriel didn’t
call, didn’t show up at his house, didn’t come see him at the
hospital… nothing? He knew it was for the best. If it hurt this
horribly now, how much more would it hurt if they came to the
same conclusion a few months down the road? It shouldn’t feel
so bad even now, so empty, so lonely, so… broken.

He tried to hide it, tried to throw himself into his work, in

spending time with his brother, who would be discharged in a
few days and then fly back home immediately after. He would
find someone else. Maybe. Someday. Much, much later. First he
would go home for Christmas. Maybe. If he could get the days
off. Probably not… there were never enough people to work the
holidays. Next year. Or sometime this summer. Or—

“Are you okay, honey?” Jilly asked him.

He started, jerked upright from the desk he was resting his

head on, and tried to stop the ever-repeating whirlwind of his
thoughts long enough to answer her question. He grimaced and
nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Can you do one more patient today?” she asked with a

sweet smile on her face. “After that, you can go home. You look
like you’re the walking dead. It’s quiet tonight anyway.”

He nodded and took the chart from her. He was halfway to

the trauma room when he checked the name on it. Then he
turned back to give the chart back. But Jilly had already bailed,
and there was no other resident to be seen that he could switch
patients with. So he swallowed, took a deep breath, and
stepped into the room where Gabriel was waiting for him.

Gabriel was nervously pacing through the room, not

displaying any visible injuries.

“What did you break this time?” Jake snapped.

Gabriel turned to him and smiled sadly. “Us.”

Jake didn’t react. He just stood there, nailed to the ground,

trying to get his legs to work so he could get the hell out of there.

“Look, Jake,” Gabriel said as he took a step closer, his

hand reaching up to touch Jake’s cheek. Jake took two steps
back, his hands reaching up protectively between them. “We
gotta stop doing this. This is never going to work if we keep
running away.”

“This is never going to work anyway. Didn’t you listen to

anything I said?” Jake growled, tearing his eyes away from
Gabriel. He stared at the wall. But he didn’t leave, even though
everything in him told him to bolt.

“I listened, and I thought about it, even though I thought it is

all nonsense.”

“And?”

“I still think it’s nonsense.”

Jake shook his head, a bitter smile on his lips. Everything

Jake shook his head, a bitter smile on his lips. Everything

was a joke to the kid. He looked up to say that, to end it once
and for all and to walk away while his heart was still mendable.

The moment he met Gabriel’s eyes, he felt himself sink into

quicksand. He was captured. Lost. And he had no idea how to
get away. So he gave up fighting and he gave up thinking and
that must have shown in his face, because suddenly there was a
smile on Gabriel’s face that was so radiant, an expression in his
eyes that was so full of love that Jake knew he would do
anything possible to have him look at him like that again. Gabriel
not coming out, the complication of his impending pro-hockey
career—Gabriel might have doubts, but Jake had none, not
about that—Jake’s fear of being broken again, Sean, nothing
mattered anymore.

“What?” asked Gabriel as he crossed the space between

them. Jake reached out his hand, cupped Gabriel’s face, and
tenderly rubbed a thumb over his cheekbone. “What just
happened?”

“Promise me,” Jake said, smiling so hard his face hurt.

“Promise me that you’ll never stop looking at me like that.”

Gabriel responded with an even softer expression in his

eyes and a gentle kiss on Jake’s lips. “I don’t think that will be a
problem if you keep smiling at me like that.”

“Good,” Jake said. Satisfied, he pulled Gabriel close to him

to hide his face in the nape of his neck. “Then I can handle
anything.”

Gabriel pulled him into a crushing hug, and that was all the

answer Jake needed.

“A

RE

you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Jake asked

“A

RE

you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Jake asked

when Gabriel dropped him off at the airport. He looked down at
their intertwined hands.

“Next time,” Gabriel promised, leaning in to steal a kiss.

It was about the twentieth time they’d had the same

conversation. The choice of Gabriel not coming home with him
felt as right as it felt wrong. But as they had agreed every time
before, as long as it felt wrong, a betrayal to the memory of
Sean, a betrayal to Sean’s family, who Jake would spend some
time with, Gabriel should stay put, and Jake should go and
conquer his demons on his own. Because, for the first time in six
years, he felt like he could conquer those demons and be free to
move forward, to a future that might not be a happily-ever-after,
but that was surely a happily-for-now.

About the Author

G

WYNN

M

ARSSEN

has always wanted to be a writer, but never

actually managed to write a word until the discovery of
professional wrestling with all those hot, practically naked men
gave her something to write about.

As a child she read too much, finding the world of novels far
more interesting than everyday life, and as an adult that hasn’t
really changed all that much. In order to spend as much time as
possible in other people’s heads she became a psychologist. It
often amazes her that the things that happen to real people are so
much more bizarre and horrible than anything she can ever throw
at her characters, and she loves to give her characters the happy
endings that her patients don’t always get.

endings that her patients don’t always get.

Her e-reader is the best thing she ever bought because now she
doesn’t even have to leave the house to get new books. On an
average day off you can find her on her couch with a blanket, a
laptop (or book), her two cats, and too much tea while she’s
thinking that maybe going outside would be the healthy thing to
do. Her friends might call her lazy, but she calls them crazy for
thinking you should spend your time doing something useful. She
also wonders why reading or rewatching her favorite series is
considered wasting time.

You can contact her at [e-mail]

Daily Dose packages

from DREAMSPINNER PRESS

http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com

Advent Calendar packages

from DREAMSPINNER PRESS

http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com

Copyright

Running Away From Sunshine ©Copyright Gwynn Marssen, 2013

Published by
Dreamspinner Press
5032 Capital Circle SW
Ste 2, PMB# 279
Tallahassee, FL 32305-7886
USA
http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the
product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance
to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is
entirely coincidental.

Cover Art by Catt Ford

This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution
via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to
criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines, and/or imprisonment. This
eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be
shared or reproduced without the express permission of the Publisher. To
request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 5032
Capital Circle SW Ste 2, PMB# 279, Tallahassee, FL 32305-7886, USA.
http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/

Digital ISBN: 978-1-62380-843-3

Printed in the United States of America
First Edition
June 2013

Table of Contents

Running Away From Sunshine
About the Author
Daily Dose packages from Dreamspinner Press
Advent Calendar packages from Dreamspinner Press
Copyright