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DADDYCOMPLEX

FERTILEFORHIMSERIES,BOOK9

MEGWATSON

CHAPTER1-LEXI

Icoaxmycarintoanemptyparkingspotacrossthestreetfrommymom'shouse,carefultoavoidthe

potholebythestormdrain.Theraincomesdowninsheets,obscuringalmosteverything.Briefly,Iwonder
ifIcouldwaititout.Monsoonstendtoswellupandthendissipateinlessthananhour,leavingthesky
brightandcloudlesslikenothingeverhappened.

AssoonasIcuttheengineoffontheYaris,itstartsgettinghot,waytoohotinhere.SummerinNevada

hot.AquickmentalcalculationtellsmethatIcan’taffordthegastojustsitherewiththeACon.Ineedto
move.

Youcan’tputthisoffforever,Itellmyself.Justpullthehandle,Lexi.Doitnow.

Iflingopenthedoorandrunacrossthestreet,holdingmyhandbagovermyheadlikeanumbrella.The

delugesoaksmethroughanyway,tricklingthroughthearmholesofmytanktop,coursingovermybelly
andintomyjeans.MyfeetsliparoundonthesolesofmystackedheelwedgesandforasecondI'm
worriedI'mgoingtosprainmyankleorsomething,slidingaroundonmyshoes.

IdropmypursetomysidewhenIgetundertheeaves,lettingmybreathoutinalongwhooshthat

chokesoffattheend.

“Oh,excuseme,hello?”saysafirmbutpolitevoice.

Irockbackonmyheels.Ididn'tevenlookatthehousebeforeIdashedup.There'samanhere,

standinginfrontofthedoorwithhisthumbonthebell.He'stallandbroadabouttheshoulderswitha
thickneckandclose-cropped,salt-and-pepperhair.Ex-militarylikemyfather,I'mguessing.

Hislightweight,picot-knitgolfshirtistuckedneatlyintostraightlegtrousers.Hewearsabelt,Inote

withadmiration.It’sthosesensibledetailsthatsaymaturetome.

“Um,hi,”Ishrug,notsurewhattodo.“Canhelpyou?”

Helooksdownathisthumbonthedoorbell,thenlooksbackatme.Hiseyesarekeenandbrightunder

heavybrows,andhelookslikesomeonewhothinksalotbeforehespeaks.Someonewithalotonhis
mind.

“I'mnotsurethedoorbellworks,”hesaysapologetically.

“No,itdoesn't,”Ireply.

Istepforwardandraiseahand,suddenlyconsciousofthemovementofthewetclothesthatclingto

me.Iprobablylookterrible.Probablylookhalf-drowned.Iknockafewtimesonthewoodenpanel
betweentheglassinserts.

“Youhavetoknock,”Iexplain.

Heraisesaneyebrowatme.“Youlivehere?”

Inod.“Well,thisismymom'shouse.Idon'tlivehereanymore.Imean,I'minschool.Imean,Iwasin

school…”

Shutup,Icommandmyself.Youdon'tevenknowthisman!Whyareyoutellinghimanything?

Hismouthopensforamoment,thenclosesagain.Hislipsaresuppleandsoft,Inotice.

“Alexis?”hemurmursslowly.

Iwince,hearingthenamethatonlymyfatherused.Isearchhisfaceforclues,wonderingifwehave

metbefore.

“It'sLexi,actually,”Imutteruncomfortably.“Havewe—”

“No,no,”herespondsinstantly.“It'sjustthatyourfatherusedtotalkaboutyouallthetime.Isawa

pictureofyou,butyouwerejustalittlekidthen.”

Reflexively,Istanduptaller.Iholdoutmyhandformally,andhesquintsatit,hischeekscrinklingin

longlinesthatbrackethishandsomesmile.Afteramoment’shesitationhereachesouttoshakemyhand.

Themomentourskintouches,Ialmostwanttopullaway.Itfeelslikestaticshock,anelectrictingling

thatjoltsuptomyelbow.Istareatourhandsforasecond,almostexpectingtoseelittlesparksthereor
something.

“It'sverynicetofinallymeetyou,”hemurmurs.

ThoughImustbequiteasightinmywetclothes,hiseyesdon'twanderrudelyoverme.Hestaresinto

myface,engagingmedirectlyinsteadofleeringatmelikemostboysdo.Thatonlyintensifiesthe
sensationofconnection,andit'sallIcandotokeepfromcrumblingtopowderwhereIstand.

Thedoorswingssuddenlyinward,andIblinkatthesightofmymotherfillingthedoorway.She'sgot

somekindofwrapdresson,cinchedaroundherwaistwiththenecklinesolowIcanalmostseethe
bottomofherboobs.She'swearingshoesinthehouse,whichstrikesmeasweird.Hereyesflickerover
meforasecondbeforesettlingonthemannexttome.Herhanddriftsuptorestbehindherear,self-
consciouslytuckingherhairback.

“Everett,”shepurrs.She'swearingmakeuptoo,Inotice.Andearrings.“I'msosorry…haveyoubeen

waitinglong?Ithinkthedoorbellmuststillbebroken…”

Shiftingherweighttoherotherhip,shesmilespolitely.HereyesrakeoverEverettfromtoptobottom,

brazenlysignalinghercuriosity.Whenshegetstoourhands,whicharestillclaspedformally,thecorners
ofhermouthtwistintoascowl.

Iabruptlyreleasehishand,automaticallywipingmypalmonmyjeansandthenstuffingmyfingersinto

mybackpocket.

“IwasjustgettingacquaintedwithAlexis…Lexi,”hecorrectshimself,shiftingtofacemymom.

“Yes,”shesayswithanunnaturalbrightness,“you'reheretoo!Ididn'tknowyouwerecominghome

today…”

“Isentyouatext,”Imumble.

Sheisn’tpayinganyattentiontome.HereyesaretrackingEverett’severymovement.Shestepstothe

side,sweepingherhandoutsothatwecanenter.Icrossthethresholdfirst,tryingtoignorethe

goosebumpsthatracedownmyback.IknowheisrightbehindmeandIcan'thelpbutwonderifhe's
looking.

“Lexi…you’rewet,”mymomsniffs.“Where'syourumbrella?”

Idon'tanswerher.Itseemslikesuchamotherlywaytofuss,butIdon'tthinkIhaveeverevenowned

anumbrella.AndifIdidownanumbrella,Idon'tthinkI’mthesortofpersonwhowouldopenitsimply
tocrossthestreet.

Ofcourse,that'sthesortofplanthatonlyworkswhenyou'renotsuddenlyfacedwithasurprisesilver

foxstandingonyourmother'sdoorstep.MaybeIshouldrethinkthatinthefuture.

Thankfully,shefocusesherattentionbackfullyonEverett.

“It'ssoniceoutside,Ithoughtwecouldjustsitonthepatio?”

Sheturnsonherheelandbeginsstridingdownthehalltothekitchen,swishingherhipsstifflywith

eachstep.EverettandIfollowbehindher.

“Mom,it'sraining,”Imumble.

“Iknowthat!”shechirpsassheliftsapitcheroffthecounter.“It'sacoveredpatio,isn'tit?”

InoddumblyasIshufflethroughthekitchen,flinchingwhenthethundercracksoutside.Thepatio

reallyisnice,witharound,glass-toptableandironchairswithfluffy,floralcushions.Thesoundofthe
rainmakesitfeelintimateandsafe.

Itbarelyoccurstometowonderwhat'sgoingon:whyshe’sdressedupandmakingafternoon

margaritas,andwhythisman-oranyman,forthatmatter-isinourhouse.Asusual,Ijustfallintothe
habitoffollowingorders,obeyingdirections.

Shetoldmetocomeoutonthepatio,andsoIdidit.Nowhereweare,sittingawkwardlyaroundthe

table.ShepoursoutaglassfromthepitcherandslidesittowardEverett.Heknuckleshischinandlooks
atit,thenlooksather,politelyquiet.

Shebeginstopouranotherglass,thenglancesatmeasthoughsurprised.“Oh…Iguessyoucanhave

sometoo,”shesays.“Ialwaysforgetthatyou'reoldenoughtodrink.Alcohol,Imean.”

Itaketheglasssheoffersmeanddownaquickgulp.Thetequilaissharpandintenseonmytongue,but

I'mhopefulitwilldeadenmynervesjustalittlebit.

“So,Everett,”shebegins,sippingdaintilyatherglassandcrossingherlegs.Herdresskindoffalls

opentoofarupherthighandIfighttheurgetogooverthereandtugitclosedforher.“Itreallyissonice
ofyoutodropby.It'sjustsofunnythatyouandWilliamservedtogether,andyou’relivingsoclose!It'sa
smallworld,isn'tit?”

Everettreachesoutandholdstheglassbetweenhisthumbandfingers,turningitslowlywhereitsits

butnotpickingitup.

“Ijustmovedintothearea,”heexplains,hisvoicealowrumbleinthehalf-litspace,echoedsubtlyby

thethunderthatsurgesthroughthesky.Afterthesmallbackyard,Icanseethewidedesertplainandthe
mountainsbeyond.Lightningcracklesbehindthemountains,lightingupthecloudsastheysweepoverus.

“WhatbringsyoutothispartofNevada?”sheaskssweetly.Herglassisalreadyemptyandsheleans

overthetabletorefillit.

“Business,primarily,”henods.I'meagerforhimtolookatmeagain,butIknowthathewon't.He

seemsliketheextremelyrespectfulsort.Hewouldn'tbelookingallaroundtheroomwhensomebodywas
talkingtohimlikemymotheris.

“Willyoubestayinginthearealong?”

“Moreorlesspermanently,”henods.“I'vejustacquiredacoupleofplantsandneedtoseethatthey’re

outfittedproperlywithequipment,personnel…Allofthosethings.”

“Thatsoundsverycomplicated,”shebreathes,hervoiceheavywithadmiration.

Hechucklessoftly,hissmileatilted,self-conscioussmirk.“It'sjusttheboringstuff,”heexplains.

“Nobodywantstohearaboutthat.”

“OhIdo!”sheexclaims.Shenodsavidly,hereyebrowsgoingwayup.“Youcantellmeallaboutit.

Whatkindofbusinessareyouin?”

“Um,lightmanufacturing,”heanswersuncomfortably.“Customdyedpelletsusedinplastics—”

“Ohmygosh,howinteresting!”sheinterrupts.

Hetakesadeepbreath,smilingrigidlyandcuttinghimselfoff.I’mgratefulthatherecognizedshewas

onlypretendingtobeinterestedandhe’selectedtosavethemboththeembarrassmentofcontinuingto
explain.

“Didyouhearthat,Lexi?”sheasksme,hereyesasbrightandsharpaspennies.“Manufacturing!See

whatyoucoulddowithabusinessdegree,ifyouappliedyourself?"

InodobedientlyasshetwistsinherchairtofaceEverettagain.

“Lexi'salmostdonewithherdegree,butit'sinmusic,”sheexplainsapologetically.“Howmuchlonger

doyouhaveleft?”

“Justayear,”Irespond,myvoicebarelyaboveawhisper.

AyearthatI'mlikelynotgoingtogettofinish,Isilentlyremindmyself,rememberingwhyI’vecome.

“Ohshe'sjustworkingherwaythrough,”Momgoeson.“Oddjobs,youknow.Thisandthat.Whatever

ittakes.Right,Lexi?”

“Actually…havinglittletroublewiththat,”Iadmit.“Afterthemusicschoolshutdown,it'sbeenhard

tofindanotherjobgivinglessonsandallthat.”

Sheshakesherhead,herbangssweepingacrosshereyebrows.“Butyouhadasecondjobinterview

thisweek,right?”

Ipickattherimoftheglasswithmyfingernail,listeningtothedead,high-pitchedsound.

“No,thatdidn'tworkout.Theydecidedtogoinanotherdirection,theytoldme.”

“Well,ofcoursetheydid,”shesnapsatme,causingmetoflinchbackinmychair.“You’renevergoing

tofindagoodjobifyoudon'tknowhowtoplaythegame,Lexi.Iftheytellyouthey'regoinginadifferent
direction,thatmeanstheywantedsomethingfromyou,andyoudidn'tgiveit.Youhavetolearnhowto
playthegame.Kidslikeyoudon'tknowhowtodothatanymore.”

Mymouthopensandcloses,butI’mholdingmybreathandcan'tsayanything.Embarrassmentburnsmy

cheeksandIfeelmyheartstarttorace.Ifshe'sgoingtobepickingonme,orworseyet,drunkall
afternoon,I’mnevergoingtobeabletoaskherwhatIcameheretoaskher.It'shardenoughwithout
havingtosufferthroughbeinghumiliatedinfrontofastranger.

Astrangerwho’sstaringatmeintently,Inotice.Hiseyesarebrightandkeen,andIcanseeahardness

aroundhisjawasthoughhe'sclenchinghisteeth.

“Whatkindofworkdoyouwanttodo?”heasksme,shiftinghisattentioncompletelyawayfrommy

mother.Ifeelherstiffenasshenoticesittoo.

“I’mmajoringinmusic,”IsayascalmlyasI'mable,findingcomfortinhearingthewords.Musicismy

dream,thethingIhaveworkedonmywholelife.TheonlythingI'veeverbeengoodat.

“Performance?”heasksme.“Ormaybe,areyouacomposerorsomethinglikethat?”

Istraightenalittle,leaningtowardhimunconsciously.Ilovethathe'sinterested,andthatheisasking

mequestionsIknowtheanswersto.

“OfcourseIwanttoperform,”Iadmit.“ButIreallyenjoyteaching.I'dreallylovetoteachmusic

somewhere,butit'sdifficulttofindthosepositionsthesedays.Withoutmydegree,it'sevenmore
difficult.”

“Practicallyimpossible,”mymotheradds,butEverettdoesn'tevenseemtohearher.

Hepurseshislipsslightly,puzzlingsomethingout.Thenhisexpressionclears,asthoughadecisionhas

beenreached.

“Icouldgiveyouajob,”heannounces.“Untilyoufindsomethinginyourfield,thatis.”

“Ajob?”mymotherrepeats.“Butyoudon'tevenknowher.Youdon'tevenknowwhatshe'sgoodat!”

“Oh,that'sokay.Youdon’thavetodothat,”Isayquickly,wavingmyfingertipsintheair.It'sso

generousofhim,Ifeelsortofexposed.

“Oh,well,it'sreallynothing.Youprobablywouldn'tevenwantthejob,”heanswers.

Hisvoiceislowandrestrained,asthoughhe'skeepingitfrombeingasnaturallyforcefulasitis.I

leanforwardsomemore,eagertohearthatsoundagain.Ithasacertainclarity,hereinthecoveredpatio
withtherainprovidingallthiswhitenoiseallaroundus.It'sasthoughthesoundreachesthroughme,
sparkingsomethingdeepinmybelly.

“Atyourfactory?”

Heshakeshishead.“No,notreally.I'minneedof…well,Ineedananny.”

Disappointmentfloodsoverme.Ababysittingjob?Idon'tthinkthat'sgoingtohelpmemaketuition

payments.

“Ha!”mymombarks.“Youdon'twanttoleaveakidwithLexi.She'skilledatleastthreegoldfish.”

Itakeasharpbreath,lockingitinmychestalongwithallthewordsthatIwanttosay.

Hiseyesflickerovertoher,hisexpressiondarkeningbriefly.

“Winstoniseleven.He'sbright.Ithinkyou'dlikehim.We’vegotplentyofroom,andeverythingyou

couldneed.Hespendshalfofhisdaysathismother'shouse,soyou'dhaveplentyoftimetofinishyour
studies.You’dreallybehelpingmeout.Mylastnannyhadtoleavesuddenlywhenherbrothergotsick.”

Mymothercoilsforward,herheadswivelingbackandforthasshelooksbetweenus.

“Youcan'tbeserious,”sheinsists.“Lexi,you’renonanny.Youcanbarelytakecareofyourself!”

Heturnshisheadslowly.Hisexpressionbarelychangesbuttheairchillsaroundhim.Thoughheis

stillpolite,hisdemeanorconveysacertainquietanger.

“Ithinkshewouldbefine,”hesaysslowly,hisvoiceagrowlthathangsintheairsorichlyIcan

almostseeit.

Butwhenheturnsbacktome,Iambuzzingwithaconfusedjumbleofnoises.Athousandquestions

poundthroughme,morequestionsthananswers.Takecareofanotherhuman?Mymotherhasapoint.I
didactuallykillthreegoldfish,nottomentionahamstershedoesn'tevenknowabout.AndIdoneedtobe
oncampusalot.Isan11-year-oldboysomeoneIcouldbearound?

BeforeIknowwhatI'mdoing,Ipushmychairback.ItscrapesalongtheconcretepatiofloorasIstand

up.Iextendahandandhetakesit.Thatsamejoltofelectricitycoursesthroughmeagain.Heskiniswarm
andridged,pulsingwithstrength.Ifighttheurgetoholdonandmakemyselfdrophishand.

“Thankyouverymuchfortheoffer,”ImumbleasIbackaway.“It'sreallyveryniceofyou,butIcan't.

Ihavesomuchtodoatschool.Ijust…well,thankyouverymuch.”

Asasecondthought,IpickupmydrinkjustbeforeIleavesoIcantakeitwithme.

“Ireallyshouldgogetchanged,”Iexplain.“It'sverynicetomeetyou.”

Istumblefromthepatioandbackintothekitchen,feelingboththeireyesonmeasImakemyescape.

CHAPTER2-EVERETT

Iliedtoher,andI'mnotsurewhy.

Ididmeetheronce.Shewasaboutthesameageasmysonisnow.Willhadinvitedmeoverforabeer

andanafternoonoffootball,oneoftheonlytimeswegottogetherafterweservedourtour.Heseemed
different,butthenagaindidn’teverybody?Civilianlifewasahardadjustmentaftereverything
wehadbeenthroughinAfghanistan.

ThemanwhoIrememberedascockyandbrave,perhapstoobrave,wasnervousanduncertainbackin

theStates.Thoughhehadtalkedabouthisfamilynon-stop,missingthemintensely,itseemedthatoncehe
gotbacktothemhejustwasn'tthesame.Ormaybetheyweren’tthesame.Ormaybetheworldjustwasn't
thesame.

Butwespenttheafternooninhisden,drinkingbeerafterbeerandtalkingoverthefootballgamewe

weresupposedtobewatching.Ourwordswerethin,maybenotassincereastheyhadbeen.ButIthought
itwasjustourfirststep.Ithoughtthatwewouldhavetimetolearntobefriendsagain,likeeverybody
else.

Ididn'tknowwe'dnevergetthatchance.

Sometimeintheafternoon,Will'swife,Rhonda,camebackhomefromshoppingwiththeirlittlegirl.

Weheardthefrontdooropenandpickedourheelsupfromthecoffeetableself-consciously.Inmoments,
Rhondawasleaninginthedoor.

Shewasbrightandpretty,withawelcomesmileandacatlikesensualitythatmotherhoodhadn't

dimmed.IcouldseewhatWilliamsawinher,thoughofcourseIwouldneverletanyofthatshowthrough
tothesurface.Thatwouldjustbedisrespectful.

“Youboysneedanything?”sheasked,aslysmileonherfulllips.

Willlookedatheroverhisshoulderbuttherewassomethingformulaicaboutthegesture.Itwasas

thoughheknewhewassupposedtolookathiswifeoverhisshoulderandsmile,butitdidn'treallycome
naturallytohim.

“Justfine,babe,thanks!”heanswered,justlikehewassupposedto.

AsRhondalefttheroom,Irealizedsomeoneelsehadbeenstandingbehindher.Shewasmaybe

shoulderheighttoRhonda,completelyobscuredbyhermother'sfigureeventhoughRhondawasfairly
slender.

Big,jade-colored,curiouseyes.Lightbrown,wavyhair.Alittleelf.Aforestnymph.

Andjustasmagicallyasshehadappeared,shedisappearedagain.Slippedoutofthedoorwaywithout

makingasound.

“Lookslikeyougotitprettygoodhere,”Iobserved,thoughsomepartofmewasactuallytryingto

remindhim,incasehedidn'tknowforsure.

Henoddedsilently,pushinghisjawforwardashetippedthebeerbottleupandtookalong,angry

swig.

Ididnotliveveryclosetothematthatpoint,soIdidn'tcometovisitagain.IwishIhad.Nowit'stoo

late.

RhondaisnotthewomanImet.She'sbrittleanddangerous,Ithink.Thesortofpersonwhobreaksinto

shardsthatsliceeveryoneelsebeforefallingtothefloor.She'stooskinny,withtendonsthattwistover
herwristsasshepicksherdrinkupagainandagain,quicklyslidingfromtipsytodrunkaswesithere.

AssoonassheopenedthedoorIknewthiswasallwrong.AllIwantedtodowasreturnWill’swatch

toher,butthewaythatsheappraisedmemadeitclearthatsettingupanafternoonmeetingwithherwasa
mistake.WhatshethoughtIwasherefor,Idon'tknow.Iknowslidingawatchacrossthetableisgoingto
beadisappointment.

Shetalkswithakindofdesperatequickness,herwordsburstingoutsofastthey’relikegrappling

hookstryingtolatchon.Shewantstosaysomethingtokeepmehere,tomakeaconnection,butshe
doesn'trealizeit'simpossible.Icouldn't.NotwithWill’swife.

Whichmakesthisallsocompletelyfuckedup,Iknow.

Lexitakesasharpbreath.Ihearit,butIcan'tlookather.Hermotherhasjustpiercedherwithoneof

thosesniperstrikesagain,andLexiishardeningherselfagainstit.

She'susedtoit,Icantell.Everytimehermotherinsultsher,Ifeelacrimsonrageboilingupalittlebit

higherinsideme.She'sgoingtosaysomethingawful,andI'mgoingtosaysomethingawfulback.

Justkeepittogether,Icommandmyself.Don'tlookather.

BecauseeverytimeIlookather,Idon’tevenknowwhatovertakesme.She'snotalittlegirlanymore,

that'sforcertain.Tallandliquid,withasupplestrength.Isawherrunningacrossthestreetwithher
handbagoverherhead.Theheavyraindrenchedher,turningthatlacytanktoptotissuepaper.

Icouldn'tevenlookather.Assoonasshesteppedontotheporch,IwassostartledIjustlaidonthe

doorbellagaineventhoughIknewitdidn'tworkatall.

Sheblinkedthosejadegreeneyesatme,standingthereasifbymagic,lookingatmelikeIhad

appearedoutofthinair.Icouldn'twatchthewaythewatersoakedhertothebone.Icertainly
couldn’tlookatthatinchofnakedbellythatcurvedoverthetopofherfrayedbluejeans

Iforcedmyselftolookintohereyes,andthatwasworse.ItfeltlikeI'dknownherforalongtime,like

we'dhadathousandconversations.LikeIwassupposedtobeclosertoher.Iwassupposedtotowelher
off.Iwassupposedtopluckthosetendrilsofhairawayfromherrain-streakedcheeks.

Whichisinsane.

Forcingmyselftostandupstraight,Ijustwatchedherwarily,notingthewaysheknockedonher

mother’sdoorinsteadoflettingherselfin.Thatstruckmeasoddlyformal.That’sthewayyouknockona
stranger’sdoor,notyourownmother’s.

“Ineedananny,”Iannounceintothecoveredpatiospace,surprisingmyself.Infact,Idoneedananny,

butIhadnointentionofsayingit.Rhondanarrowshereyesatmeshrewdly.

“Lexiisnonanny,”sheinformsme.“She'skilledthreegoldfish!”

Thereitisagain.Lexiflinches.Everytimehermotherthrowsoneofthesemortarsather,Lexiis

wounded.Idon'tevenknowifsheknowsshe'swounded.Sheseemstobesoaccustomedtoit.

ButI'mnot.Iwouldneverbeabletogetusedtothis.

Iknowit'snotmybusiness.ItellmyselfthatagainandagainasIfighttheangerthat'sbuildinginside

me.

Thisismychance.Ishouldbackaway.There'ssomethinghappeninghere,andIshouldnotbegetting

involvedinit.Icertainlyshouldn'tbecountingeverybreathLexitakes,makingsureshekeepsgoing,
preparingmyselfforthemomentshegivesup.

Butinsteadofbackingway,Idoubledown.

“Ihavemorethanenoughroom,”Iexplain,imaginingthetwosparebedrooms.Shecouldberight

there,justanarm’slengthaway.

Butshestandsup,shakingherheadandbackingaway.Sheshakesmyhandagainandtellsmeitwas

nicetomeetme,andthanks.Somehow,whenherhandslipsoutofmine,I'moverwhelmedwiththeurgeto
pullherback.

“Honestly,Idon'tknowwhatisupwiththatgirl,”hermothersays,suckingherteethasLexiretreats.

“Shecanbesodramatic!”

Ishakemyhead,tryingtosweepallthesethoughtstotheside.Idon'twanttoremembereverylittle

thingRhondahasjustsaidtoLexi,theone-sidedpsychologicalwarfaretheshe'sbeenwagingagainsther
owndaughter.IfI'mgoingtobelookingthiswomanintheface,Ican’tthinkaboutanyofthat.

Istuffmyhandintomyfrontpocket,ignoringthewayhereyestrackthemovement.

“Oh,thatwatch,”shesaysasIlayitonthetable,hervoicetintedwithdisappointment.Shesquintsat

theplainwhiteface,thesimpleleatherband.“That’snottheoneIthoughtyoumeant.”

Ipushittowardheranyway.Iwanttomakesureshe’stakenagoodlook.

“Thatwatchisn’tanything,”shesighs,half-closinghereyesandtakinganotherlongsipofher

margarita.Hershoedanglesoffherheel.“Ithoughtyouweretalkingabouttheotherwatch.Helostareal
niceone,hetoldme.Ithoughtthat’swhatyouwerebringingme.Littlethingslikethis…they'resohardto
keeptrackof.”

Shepursesherlips,scowlingatthewatchasthoughit'sdonehersomegreatinsult.

“Youknowwhat?Whydon’tyoujustkeepit?”shesuggests.

“Yousaidonthephonethatyouwanteditback?”

“Oh,no,”shesighsvaguely.“It'snotreallyworthanything.Imean,youwerefriends.Youshouldhave

it.”

Ipickitupandlookatit,rubbingmythumbacrossthecrystal-clearbezel.Withjustacoupletwistsof

thestem,itstartstickingagain.Iholdituptomyearforamomentoutofhabitbeforefasteningittomy
ownwrist.Ifshedoesn'twantit,thenshedoesn'twantit.

Pushingmyselfupfrommychair,Isearchforsomethingpolitetosayonmywayout.

“Oh,don'tgo!”sheyelps.“Imean,stayawhile.Wouldyoulikeanotherdrink?Wehavesomuch

catchinguptodo…”

“That'sallright,Rhonda,”Isaystiffly.IknowIshouldbemorewarmtothiswoman,butthisentire

afternoonhaspushedmeoffbalance.“Itwas,um,verynicetoseeyou.Pleasetakecareofyourself.”

Justbeforethefrontdoor,Ilookupthestairs.I’msureLexi’sgoneupthere.Graspingthetopofthe

banister,Ijuststareintothedarkenedhallwayabove,wonderingifshewillmagicallyappearagain.What
isshedoingupthere?Issheupset?Perhapsshoweringtherainwateroffher?Icanimagineitvividly:her
creamyskincoveredinrivuletsofwater,thedensearomaofperfumedsoap,hersighsasthetension
leaveshermuscles.

SeveralsecondsgobybeforeIcanconvincemyselftoleave.

Therainhasgone,InoticewhenI'mbackoutthefrontdoorandstandingundertheeaves.Theskyisa

brazenblue,withonlythetailendofcloudsvisibleoverthefarmountains.Justminutesago,everything
wasdarkandbatteredbysheetsofrain.NowasIwalktomycar,it'slikenoneofthateverhappened.The
onlytracesofitarethesparklingdropsofwaterthatwebovereverything.

CHAPTER3-LEXI

Iamnotstompinguptomyroom.Ileft...butIamnotstomping.

IkeepmyfootfallstoarespectfulvolumeasIclimbthestairs,hyper-awareoftheirpresence.Willmy

motherrunafterme?

Or…willhe?

AsIturnleftdownthehallway,Iallowmyselftheverytantalizingfantasythathewould.Hewould

takethestairstwoatatime,burstingintomychildhoodroomrightafterme,demandingtoknowifIwere
allright.I’dshakemyhead,confusedandunabletoanswerasheapproached,scanningmyfaceforclues,
loweringhisvoicetoawhisper.

Jade…Ihavetotellyou,Ijustwantedtobealonewithyou...

EventhoughIknowitisridiculous,Ican’thelpimaginingit.Theintensityofhisgazeislikeaglowing

coal:somethingthatlooksalluringlyaccessible,butwhichIknowisdefinitelytoohottotouch.

Someonelikethatwouldn’tjustwanttoholdhandsandfeelmeupunderaSnuggie.Hewouldwantto

fuck.Probablyimmediately.

Justthinkingaboutitmakesmeclampmythighstogether.Ifeelmyselfswellingwithdesire.Iwould

doit,too.Iwouldabsolutelygivemyselftosomeonewhogrowledlikethat,whocommandedaroomlike
that.Thoughhewascoolandrestrained,Icouldfeelthewayheseethedunderhiscontrolleddemeanor.
Whatwouldthatbelike,peelingbackthesurfaceofamanlikethat?

Idon'tevenknowwhyIwentontothepatiowiththem.Ishouldhavejustrunupstairstogetfresh

clothesrightaway,andthennoneofthiswouldhavehappened.Iwouldn'tbesittingonthecornerofmy
bed,shaking,teeteringbetweenwantingtoscreamandwantingtosobinfrustration.

Well,dummy,whatdidyoudothatfor?

Iknowwhy.BecauseI'mheretoaskmymotherformoney,andthatmeansshecallsalltheshots.I

knowtherulesforthiskindofconversation.Ihavetobasicallylaydownforwhatevershewantstothrow
atme,nomatterwhat.IfIdon'tagreetobehervictim,shewillnotgivemeanything.

SuddenlyI'mcold,shiveringintheair-conditionedatmosphereofmyroom.Ihaven'tbeenhereina

longtime.Livinginthedormswasnice.Notasniceasahomeis,technically,butitwasnicetojustwake
upwheneverIfeltlike.Itwasnicetobearoundpeoplewhodidn'tknowmeanddidn'texpectanything
fromme.Ilikedtheindependenceofrunningmyownschedule,runningmylife.

Ijusthopeit'snotallover.

Ipeelthewetclothesoff,shudderingasgoosebumpscoverme.IknowI'vestillgotsomestuffhere

somewhere.Idon'twanttorunouttomycaragain,soIpullopenthebottomdrawerandfindapair
ofwornbluejeansandanoldtanktop.ThesearetheclothesInormallywouldreservefordoingchores
aroundthehouse,maybecleaningoutthegarage.ThereasonIleftthemhereisbecauseIdidn'tthinkI
wouldneedthem.

Isquintatmyselfinthemirroronthebackofmydoor.T-shirtandfrayedjeans,withmyhairlimpand

damparoundmyface,IfeelaboutasfrazzledasIlook.

IsthisreallyhowEverettsawme,Iletmyselfwonder.Glancingsidelongatthecrumpled,wetclothes

infrontofmyclosetdoor,IrealizeIprobablylookedatleastalittlebitobscene.Braless,inawettank
top?OhmyGod.DidIreallydothat?Whatmusthethinkofme?

ButIrememberthewayheshookmyhandandlookedintomyeyes.Hewasn'tleeringovermynipples

pointingoutofmyshirt.Hewasjustshakingmyhandlikeanadult.Likesomebodygivingmerespect
thoughIhadn'tevenearnedit.

Igrindmypalmagainsttheseatofmyjeansasthoughtryingtoscrubawaythefeelingofhisskin

againstmyskin.It'ssowrong.Ican'tbewishingforthat.Notinamillionyearswouldamanlikethat
haveanythingtodowithsomebodylikeme.Notinamillionyears.

Mymotherstridesinwithoutknocking,knucklingherhipsandlookingallaround.Shescowlsatthe

pileofwetclothesonthefloor.

“Justwhatthehellwasthat?”shehisses.

Myhandsopenandfallhelplesslyatmysides.“Idon'tknowwhatyoumean,”Iconfess.

“Justthrowingyourselfathimlikethat?Areyoukiddingme?Iwasmortified!”

Iwalkaway,droppingheavilyintochairinfrontofmydresserandpickingupacomb.Itdoesn'twant

togothroughmyhair,butbygolly,I'mgoingtoforceit.

“Don'tyoueverembarrassmelikethatagain!”shecontinues.

Ishrug.That'stherule:nomatterwhatshesays,I'mgoingtohavetoagree.Iknowthat.

“I'msorry,”Isaysincerely.

Shecrossesherarmsinfrontofherchest,rockingherweightfromsidetosideassheconsiders

whetherornottoacceptmyapology.

“Well,”shehuffs.“Iguess…that'sfine.Ididn'tgetyourtextbytheway.”

“Youdidn't?That'sweird,”Isaywithoutlookingather.Ofcourseshedidn’tgetmytext.Ihaven’tpaid

mycellphonebillintwomonths.Nobodyisgettingmytexts.

“Ihopeyou'renothereformoney,”shesaysinarush.Sheraiseshereyebrowsandhardensherlips

intoaline.

Ipivotinmychair,placingmybrushbackonmydresserandrubbingmyfingertipsagainstmyknees.I

havepracticedthisspeechathousandtimes,andI'msureIcangetitoutifIjustconcentrate.

“I'mnothereforyourmoney,”Inodconvincingly.“ButIdoneedmoney.Everythingisalmostdoneat

school.Ionlyneedthislastyear,butI’verunoutoffinancialaid.”

“Soyouarehereformoney.”

“Well…I'mherefor…Imean,Ineedmytrustfund.”

Sherollhereyes.“Ha!Youdon'tgetthatuntil—”

“UntilI’mtwenty-one.AndIamtwenty-one.”

Shetakesadeepbreathasthoughabouttosaysomething,butthenstops.Iseedoubtshadowherface

briefly,replacedbysomethingharder.

“Thatmoneyissupposedtobeforyourlife,”sheinformsme.“Foryouradultlife.Togetareallife.”

“Thisismylife,myreallife,”Isay,tryingtokeepthesoundofdesperationoutofmyvoice.“I'm

almostready.Justtwomoresemesters,reallyonlyoneandahalfsemesters.”

“Well…youcan'thaveit.Notyet.”

Iswallow,hard.IknowthatifIsayanythingthatsoundsangry,theconversationisover.

“Daddyleftitforme.Hemeantformetohaveit.”

“Hemeantforyoutohaveitwhenyouareanadult,”shesnarls.“Doyouthinkyou'reanadult?Getting

drunkinthemiddleoftheafternoonandthrowingyourselfatsomemanyoudon'tevenknow?Showingup
unannounced?Ifyourfathercouldseeyounow—”

“Okay,”Icutheroff.

Ican'tlistentothis.Ican’thearthisfromher.She'salwayssofullofvenom.It'slikeshe'snoteventhe

samewomanIknewwhenIwasgrowingup.Thatsmiling,pink-cheeked,warmandsnugglypersonhas
beenreplacedbythisbirdlike,brittlewomanwhoisalwaysteeteringontheedgeofacompletefreakout.

“Anddon'tjustthinkyoucangototheattorneyandaskhim,either,”shesays.Itrytoshownoreaction,

butthatisexactlywhatIhadplannedtodo.

“Whynot?”Iaskcautiously.

Sheraiseshereyebrowsatmeinchallenge.“Ifyouremember,thetrustfundonlygetsreleasedifIsay

so.IfIthinkyou'reready.AndIdon'tthinkyou'reready,I'msorry.”

Fuck.Iforgotaboutthatpart.

AndIcanseeIhavealreadyfuckedup.Icantellbythewayshe'sstaringdaggersatmethatshe's

readytobattle.Shedoesn'twanthearme.Shejustwantstofightme.

Whichmeansit'shopeless.

“WellIguessit’sluckyformetohaveanewjobthen,”Iannounce,standing.

Sherocksbackonherheels,shakingherhead.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Nottenminutesago,you

justsaidthat—”

“WithEverett.”

Hereyesopenwide.“Ohnoyoudon't!”

I'mnotsurewhatcomesoverme.I'mnotsurewhyIabortedmyplan.Iwasgoingtobenice.Iwas

goingtobeg.Butyouknowwhat?Imightbealloutofbegging.

“Ithinkit'skarma.Kismet,Imean.Areyoufamiliarwithkismet?It’slikefate,especiallythegood

stuffthathappenswhenyouareagoodperson.Ilearnedthatincollege.”

Iwalkovertomyclosetdoor,pickingupthewetclothesandstuffingthemundermyarm.WhenIturn

backaroundtofaceher,Ialmostlosemynerve.She'stremblingwhereshestands,somehowcompletely
enragedbythis.ButIfigureit'sprobablythethreeshotsoftequilashejusthad.There'snowayshecould
reallybethatmadaboutthis.Sheiswinning,afterall.

“Youdon'tknowthefirstthingabouttakingcareofachild,”shesays,hervoicelowanddangerous.

“Isn’tthatwhatGoogleisfor?”Ishrug.“Ormaybehe'sjustareallygoodjudgeofcharacter?”

“Notlikely!Ifhe'sgoingtoentrusthischildtoyou,I'dsayhe'sgotascrewlooseorworse.”

Ishrugagain,notsurewhattosay.Ican'tfightwithher.Icertainlycan’tdefeather.EvenifIcould,

whatwouldthatgetme?AndsinceapparentlyIcan’twinherover,I'mjustgoingtohavetodotheadult
thing.

I'mgoingtohavetowalkaway.

Onmywayoutthedoor,Ireachoutandtouchherarm,squeezinggentlyaboveherelbow.“Wellit

wasgoodtoseeyou,Mom,”Imanagetosay,andIsoundaboutamillionyearsold.

CHAPTER4-EVERETT

EventhoughIdidn'thaveadropofalcohol,Ifeeldrunk.Disoriented.IdriveawayfromRhonda's

housewhite-knuckled,myhandsstranglingthewheel.Squintingthroughthewindshield,Ikeepaneyeout
fortheflashfloodsthatwashoverthepavementduringmonsoonseason,carryingsnakes,trash,
tumbleweedseven.

OnceIrolloutofthesubdivision,IexpecttofeelbetterbutIdon't.Idrivepastthegasstation,thetrain

depot,thestableswheretheyrehabilitatewildhorses.Imarkthesethingsinmymindasthoughthey’re
milestoneswhereIshouldleavethatsituationbehindme,butitwon'tgoaway.

Ican'tstopthinkingabouther.

Whensheranundertheeaves,shejuststoodtherepantingforafewseconds,startledandconfused.A

dropofwatertrembledonherlowerlip,glitteringattheverybottomcurve.Ihadtostareat,waitingforit
tofall,sortofwishingitwouldn't.

InstantlyIwasfloodedwithanimageofwalkingtoher,takingherinmyarmsandlettingthatperfect,

glitteringdropofwaterslideontothetipofmytongue.Icoulddothat.Holdthattremblingsylphinmy
arms,presshertomeuntilshewaswarm.Tastetherainwateronherchin.Feelherpantagainstmeshe
catchesherbreath.Tracethegoosebumpsthattraileddownbotharms.

TherainhadsoakedhertanktopandIcouldseeherhard,tautnipplesjuttingthrough,makingmy

mouthwater.Iwouldlovetofeelthatstifffleshonmytongue,rollhernipplebetweenmylips,drawit
gentlyintomymouthasIreachdownandcuponecheekofherampleass,smoothlypullingherup.She
wouldlockheranklesbehindmyback,holdingontightwithherkneesasIcarriedherupthestairstoher
room,hercrotchbouncinglightlyagainstmewitheachstep.

Isnapoutofthefantasyassoonasredlightsflareovertheblearywindshield.Thecaraheadofme

slamsonitsbrakes,sprayingupafanofwaterbehindit.Theroadiswashedouthere,afast-moving
currentcarryingtreebranchesandbitsofbuildingmaterials.

Icutthewheelhardtotheleft,hydroplaningforseveralyardsbeforethecarfinallycomestoastop.

Myheartisinmythroatbutmycockisstiffandpulsing,throbbingastheimageofLexi'swillinggazeis
replacedbythehardrealityofdrivingthroughnorthernNevadaduringmonsoonseason.

AndIcan't,Iremindmyselfviciously.Ican't.Nomatterwhat,she'stooyoung.That'snothowI

wanttostartmylifeagain.It'snotright.

CHAPTER5-LEXI

Nobodycomestothedoorforme,soItrythehandleandcautiouslystepinside.

“Phoebe?”Icalloutintothefronthallway,craningmyneckfromsidetoside.

Thetelevisionisstillon,blaringananimatedshowwithtorso-lesspeopleandtalkingbirds.Thereare

toyseverywhere.Toysonthefloor,toysonthecoffeetable,toysonthesofasetupsothattheylooklike
they'retalkingtoeachother.

“Phoebe?”Icalloutagain,carefultoannouncemypresence.

Idon’twanttointerruptherwithAJifthey’re,youknow,doingit.Herdaughter,Clarissa,isfiveand

Phoebeisconvincedthatthisistheoptimaltimetohaveanotherone.

Well,itwastheoptimaltime,ayearago.WiththefrequencyandurgencyPhoebeinsistson,you'dthink

thattheopportunitywindowismorelikeanopportunityguillotine,poisedtobeheadtheentireendeavorif
shedoesn'tgetknockedupinarightquickhurry.

“Oh,hereyouare,”shesayswhenIcomeintothekitchen,asthoughI'mlateorshe'dansweredthe

doororsomething.

“Iknocked,”Iofferlamely.

Sheshrugs.“Iheardyouknock.Whydidyouknock?Youwereinvited.DoesitlooklikeIwantedto

hoofittothefrontdoor?”

Sheraisesaneyebrowatme,pursingherfull,naturallydarkredlips.Clarissaalsoturnsherheadto

me,cockingitattheexactsameangleashermother,pursingherlipsintheexactsamesass.

“Noooo,”Ianswerveryseriously,raisingmyeyebrowsatClarissauntilshesmiles.“Whyonearth

wouldIwantyoutoopenthedoorforme?”

IpulloutawoodenchairandslideinnexttoClarissa.Sheimmediatelynudgesherplateofanimal

crackerstowardme.Icanfeelthebittertastemymotherleftinmymouthebbingaway,replacedby
somethingbetter.Somethingsweeter.

“Oh,youwanttosharewithme?Oh,wellaren'tyoualove?Don'tmindifIdo.”

Ipopanelephantcrackerintomymouth,chewingdramaticallyasthoughitisthemostdeliciousthingI

everhad.

Phoebesniffsinmydirection.“Well,aren'tyoutwocozy?Say…wanttowatchherforafewminutes?

There’ssomethingIneedtotalktoAJaboutintheotherroom—”

“—noway,Phoebe,gross!”Iobject.“Imean,IknowI’matyourhouseandall…Butcanyouhangon,

maybeholdoff?Perhapsuntilthesungoesdown?”

Phoebeshrugshersmooth,cocoa-coloredshoulder.“Strikewhiletheironishot,youknowwhatthey

say.”

Itrytogetmyheadaroundit,butnodice.Babysittingisforwhenpeopleleavethehouse.Likewhen

theygotoworkorthegrocerystore,orgogetanoilchange.Babysittingisnotformaritalsexytimes,
right?Thatcan'tbeathing.

ButAJsauntersintotheroom,lookingherupanddownlikeshe'smadeofchocolate.Fouryearsof

marriage,andtheyseemtohaveanunendingsupplyofhotsforoneanother.

Iloveit,Itrulydo,butsometimesjealousymakesmewanttoeatmyheartouttoo.Iwantthat.

AsAJslidesuptoPhoebe,nuzzlingagainstthewarmneckskinthatsheofferstohimoutofhabit,I’m

seizedwithakindofpettysourness.QuicklyIstompitdown.That'sanuglykindofthinking,something
mymomwoulddo.Mymomwouldletherbitternessoverrideherhappinessforherfriends.Probably
whyshedoesn'thavealotoffriendsleft.

“Youknowwhat,meandClarissacanhangout,”Ioffergamely.“Lookslikethere’sawholeteaparty

setuponthesofainthefrontroom.Aretheystillwaitingfortheirtea?”

Clarissaglancesatmesuspiciously.

“No,Imeanit,”Icontinue.“Thebunnywastotallytalkingaboutnottippingyouandeverything.Ithink

hemeansitthistime.”

Clarissa'stinylittlefingersdrummomentarilyagainstthetablebeforeshepushesherchairoutand

slidestothefloor.Wordlesslyshetakesmyhandandtugsmebacktowardthelivingroom.

Thankyou,PhoebemouthssilentlyinmydirectionjustbeforeIleavethedoorway.AJdoesn'teven

lookatme,justslideshishandupunderhertightT-shirtandcupsoneofherfullbreasts.Anotherpangof
jealousyshootsthroughmeandIavertmyeyes,ashamedofmyself.

ButIdon'tfeelbadforlong.Clarissaisveryseriousabouthertoys.Aswesettleintothelivingroom,

sheexplainstomewhatshehassetup.Thetelevisionshowisnotatelevisionshow:it'sanotherroomin
anotherdimension.Theywerepreviouslyinarestaurant,butnowthey'reinaclassroom,soallhertoys
arealsointheclassroom.Itonlytakesacoupleminutesforhertorearrangeeverythingasthoughweare
playingclassroom.

Shedelightsmebydoingseveralimpressivevoices,andIcan'tgetoverhowshecanrememberwhat

voicesshedoesforeachanimal.That'sprettygreat.Icouldbarelymakeitthroughchoralclasses
rememberingwhichaltolineIwassupposedtosing.IfIhadtoknowthemall,I'dbetotallylost.

Slowly,Iconvinceherto“fputthemalltobed”too.Happily,thetelevisionshowisnowanighttime

scenesoitallkindofmakessense.BythetimePhoebecomesout,hairaskewandcheeksflushed,we’ve
gotthelivingroommostofthewaycleanedup.

Clarissakneelsnexttothecoffeetable,coloringonadigitalpadwithherfingertip.Shesucksher

upperlipinfirstconcentrationwithherheadtippedforward.

“What'sgoingonhere?”Phoebeasks,hereyeswideinwonder.

“Oh,we’rejustmarkingtimewhilemomgetspregnant.Youthinkittook?”

Sheshrugs,droppingintoacushychairandputtingherfeetup.Shelookshappy,satisfied.Herlimbs

arekindoflooseandsupple.

“Thecalendarsaysthisonewasjustforpractice,”sheinformsme.“Butpracticeisgoodtoo.”

Icurluponthechairnexttoher,tuckingmyheelsunderneathmeandleaningback.

“Thanksforlettingmestayhere,”Ibeginshyly.

“Mycouchisyourcouch,”shesighs,stiflingayawn.“Butpardonmeforasking,whythechangein

plans?NovacancyatRhondaland?”

“Oh,”Isay,wavingmyhandvaguelyintheair,“youknowhowsheis.”

“Shesaidno?”Phoebeasks,surprised.“Oh,whatamIsaying,ofcourseshesaidno.Sayingnoisone

ofhergreatjoysinlife,isn'tit?”

Ishrugged.“Well,Ididn’tactuallygetaroundtoaskingher.”

Phoebejustkindoflooksaway.Iknowwhatshe'sdoing.She'srunningthroughregularadvice,thekind

you'dgivetoanybodywithanormalmom.Youmighttellthemtonegotiate,tomeetinthemiddle.You'd
suggesttheyshouldcompromise,maybe.You'dthinkthatmaybetheotherpersonhadabaddayor
something,andmaybeyoucouldgointhereandtrytoaskagain.Momsdothat,right?Lettheirgrown
daughtershangoutforawhilewhiletheirlivesgettheirfiresextinguished?

ButPhoebeknowsthatadvicedoesn'talwaysworkwithmymom.Sheissortofaspecialcase.

Unique.AndofcourseIstillloveher,sothere'sthat.ItwouldbeeasierifIdidn't.

“Youwanttotellmeaboutit?”sheasksmecarefully.Iappreciatehowsensitiveshe'stryingtobe.

“Thisisn’tmuchtotell,”Ishrug.“Butthegistis:Ijustcan’tdoit.ItoldherIneededthetrustfundto

getthroughmylastyear.Shesaidno.”

“Howcouldshesayno?That'syourmoney,Lexi.Shedoesn'thavetherighttosayno.”

“Iguessshedoes?”Ianswerhelplessly.“Iguess…maybeIshould'veseenitcomingwhenImajored

inmusic?Idon'tknow.Itjustfeelslikekindofatrick.Imean,ifthatmoneyisn’tsupposedtohelpme
finishcollege,thenwhat'sitfor?She'smakingitsoundlikethedecisionsI'vemadesofarhave
disqualifiedmefrommyinheritance.Ijustdon'tgetit.”

“No,thatissomebullshit,”Phoebeannounces,thenquicklylooksovertoClarissatoseeifsheheard

her.Clarissadoesn'tbudge,soIguesswe’resafe.

“WhatamIgonnado,Phoebe?IfmajoringinmusicisreallythethingthatmadeherdecideIwasn't

matureenoughtogetthismoney…amIsupposedtogobackandstartoverinsomethingelse?Howwould
Ievendothat?”

Phoebereachesout,pattingmyhandsympathetically.“Hon,Iknowyoudon’twanttohearthisbut…

there'sprobablynothingyoucando.It'snotyou,istherealissue.Thisisthelastthingshe'sgotonyou.
Thisisthelastpuppetstringthatstillpullsonyourlittlepuppetparts.She'snotgonnacutit.”

Ijusttrytobreathe.Phoebe'stellingmethethingIdidn'twanttothinkabout.Mymotherisnevergoing

togivemethatmoney.Itdoesn'tmatterhowniceIam,howdesperateIam,howperfectlyIbeg.Shejust
won't.Phoebe'sright.

“Ijustdon'tknowwhat'shappeningtoher,”Imoan.“Youshould'veseenthewayshewastalkingtome

infrontofEverett.Imean—”

“Everett?”Phoebeasks,perkingupquiteabitinherchair.“Isthataman'sname?Everett?Itsure

soundslikeaman'sname.”

“Yeah,itis,”Ismile.“Isn’tthatanicename?Imeanisn'titjust…likeasilverscreen,moviestarkind

ofname?Likeitshouldbeonaposterorsomething?”

Phoebeleansbackinherchair,circlingherlipsintoaduskyredO.

“Wait,now…isEverettyourmom'smancandy?OrisheLexicandy?”

Mycheeksredden,andIpressmykneestogethertighter.“Oh,he'snobody'scandy,comeon.He'sjust,

um,well,hewastherewhenIgotthere.Totalktoher.”

“You’reblushing,”sheinformsme.

“What?NoI'mnot,”Ilie.ButIcanactuallyfeelitcreepingupfrommycollarbonesandspreading

undermyears.Prettysoonmywholefaceisgoingtobeabigflashingpinksign,broadcastingmy
feelings.It'sacurse,Iswear.

“Youare,”shepurrs.“SotellmeallaboutMr.Everett.Tall?Handsome?Eligible?”

Ishrug,tryingtoputitalltogether.Icanfeelmyselfwantingtogiggleorgrinorsomethingasitall

rushesbacktome.ThewaylookedwhenIfirstsawhim…sotallandstrong.Thewayhiseyesfeltlike
theyburnedthroughmybackasIwalkedaheadofhim,wishinghewaswatchingme.

“Okay,yes…heisallthosethings:tall,handsome,andIguesseligibletoo,nowthatyoumentionit.

Hesaidthathissononlyspendshalftheweekwithhimsothatsoundslikedivorced?”

“Hisson?”sherepeats.“Howoldishisson?”

“Um,eleven,Ithink.”

Sheticksoffonherfingers.“Sotheaveragemanhastheirfirstchildattwenty-nine.Isheforty?”

Iblushevenmorefiercely,wrappingmyarmsaroundmykneesandholdingthemtighttomychest.

“Twenty-nine?Forreal?Whydoyouevenknowthat?”

“Ijustknowthings.”

Forty?Ithinkaboutitforamoment.Thatsoundslikealot.Butmydadwouldhavebeenfortyifhe

werealive,sothatdoesmakesense.

“Maybe?HeservedinAfghanistanwithmydad,so…”

Phoebenodsconfidently.“Oh,thattotallyexplainsit.”

“Explainswhat?”

“Youknow,theattraction.Theoldermanthing?Yourdaddycomplex?”

Icringeback.“Idon'thaveadaddycomplex!”

Shelaughs,keepingherheadbackandopeninghermouthwide.Clarissasmilesatus,happytohear

thesound,theresumeshercoloring.

“What?Idon't,”Ipout.

“Youtotallydo!”shesays,swattingatmysemi-fetalposition.“Comeon…youtotallydo,don'tyou

knowthat?Itsoobvious.”

Ishakemyhead.Idon'tthinkIreallylikethewholeideaofbeingobviousanything,muchless

anythingthatsoundsasobsceneasadaddycomplex.

“No,it'sokay,”sheexplains.“It'snotabadthing.Wellit'snottheworstthing.Likemygrandmasaid,

everybody'sgotsomething.”

“Okaybutwhatisit?”

“Oh,youknow…youloveoldermen.Youwanttobetheirprincessandstuff,wanttopleasethem,

performforthem.YoucallthemDaddywhenyoufuck—”

“Iwouldnever!”Iblurtout.

Sherollshereyes.“Youshould,”shesmirks.“It’sfuckinghot.So…whatelse?Youlikebeingbossed

around.Youthinkguysyourownagearesortofstupidandtrivial—”

“buttheyare,”Ipointout.

“Ofcoursetheyare,”sheagreesavidly.“Soit'snotabadthing.Youwantagrownman,notalittle

mantrainee.Icanunderstandthat.”

“Iheardthat!”comesavoicefromthebackofthehouse.Irememberthatthere'sababymonitorin

here,whichmeansAJ’sbeenlisteningtoeverything.Howgreat.

Phoeberollshereyes.“See?Youthinkyou'dbegettingthatkindofattitudefromagrownassman?No

youwouldnot.Icanseetheappeal.”

Ishiftuncomfortably.“Well…Idon’tthinkIlikethewaythatsounds.Imean,justbecausemydaddied

doesn'tmeanI'mhopelesslybrokenoranything…”

“Oh,no!Ofcourseyou’renot!”

Sheleanstowardme,tuggingatmywristsandmakingmeletgoofmykneesandunfoldmyselfalittle

bit.Ihadn’trealizedI'dlockedintosuchadefensiveposition.

Shelowersherchin,staringdeepintomyeyeswithherseriousfaceon.

“Honey,thereisnothingwrongwithyou.Nothing.Yourdadisatragedy.Yourmomisanevenworse

tragedy,ifI'mhonest.Butyou,wantingtogetwiththemostinterestingmanintheworld,isoneofyour
mostnormalqualities.Youshoulddothat.Didyougethisnumber?”

Ipullaface.“Actually…canIuseyourWi-Fi?Myphoneisn't,um…”

Shewavesherhandintheairandgetsupfromthechair.Pullinganotebookfromtheuppershelf,

presumablythegrownupnotebookbecauseitisoutofClarissa’sreach,shemotionsformetoscootch

oversoshecansqueezeintothechairnexttome.Icuddleup,restingmyheadonhershoulderasshe
opensalaptopandabrowserwindow.

“Okay,whathislastname?”

Ishrug.“Idon'tknow…firstnameEverett.Hejustboughtasmallmanufacturingplantsomewhere

closetohere,andheneedsanannyforhis11-year-oldson.Isthatenoughtogoon?”

Shepullsaway,lookingdownhernoseatme.“Ananny?Youdon'tsay…”

“Ohstop,”Igiggle,nudginghergentlywithmyshoulder.“Idon'tthinkheevenmeantit.Heonlyasked

meifIwouldnannyforhimwhenImentionedIdidn'thaveajob.ButIthinkhewasjustbeingnice.”

“Beingnice?”sherepeats,incredulous.“Beingnice?Areyoukiddingme?Hejustinvitedyoutocome

liveinhishousetobehisnannyandfallinlovewithhimsoyouguyscandothesingle-dad-babysitter-
fantasything?Andyouthinkhewaskidding?”

Ijustgiggle,buryingmyfaceinhershoulder.Icankindofsmellalittlebitofhersweat.She'spretty

muchmyspiritanimal.She'sthemostlovingpersonIevermet.Knockedupasajuniorinhighschool,she
andAJhaveneverbeenapartformorethanaday.Theymakeloveseempossible.

“Okay,wecanfindthisman,”sheannounces,kissingmesquareontopofmyhead.“We’llgetyoua

rightproperoldmantosatisfyyoureverydirtyurge,Lexi.It’swritteninthestars.”

Herfingerstapatthekeysasshebringsupabarrageofwebsitesandtriestocross-referenceherway

intofindingmysilverfox.AndIhavenodoubtthatshewill.

CHAPTER6-EVERETT

Whenherfaceappearsonthesecurityscreen,snowyandhalf-resolvedbecauseofthesubparcamera

distortion,Ifeelitalloveragain.Myheartraces,myhandstwitch.Somethinginmycoresnaps.

She'salreadyrungthedoorbellonce.Nowshe'sjuststandingtherepolitely,shiftingfromfoottofoot

withademureovernightbagslungoverhershoulder.Nottoopresumptuous,Inote.Shedidn'tarrivewith
aU-Haulorrollingasetofluggageupthefrontwalk.

Fromthisangleaboveherhead,thecameracatchesthedark,curvedshadowofhercleavage.The

spaceswishesbackandforthasshemoveshershoulders.

ThisisgoingtobeharderthanIthought.

Finally,Iconvincemyselftojustgogether.Ijogdownstairsandopenthefrontdoor.Imustbe

grinninglikeanidiotbecauseherlongeyelashesflutterwhensheseesme.Herexpressionisvagueuntil
oureyesmeet,andthenshebreaksintothatbeautiful,dimpledsmile.Thosesweetpinklips.Thosewide,
innocenteyes.

Shetrustsyoucompletely,Iremindmyself.She'sjustwalkingrightintoyourhousewithout

wonderingifyou’reaserialkillerordrugdealerorsomekindofpervert.Justrememberthat.You
haveadutytohernow.

Butassheswaysintothefoyer,Ican’tkeepmyeyesoffhereverymovement.Irealizeshedoesn'teven

knowhowsexysheis.Thewaysheholdshershouldersbackandformsasmallcreasebetweenthe
musclesonherback.Thatlightcoatingofdownthattrailsdownherspineanddisappearsintotheloose,
femininetopshechosefortoday.

Everyinnocentthingthatshedoesconvertsitselfintosomethingelse.Thewayherbodysways,Ican

easilyfeelherswayingupagainstmeandpullingmeclose.Thewaysherollsherankleasshegrindsthe
toeofhersandalagainsttheslatetiles,IcanimaginethatankleslippingovermyshoulderasIspreadher
knees.Thewayshe'srubbingherfingertipsagainstthetextureofherhandbagstrap,Icanimaginethose
fingersunbuttoningmytrousers,reachingintomyshortstotakeholdofme…

Shepivots,turningbacktomewithasweet,appreciativesmile.

“Yourhouseisbeautiful,”shebreathesandsomeawfulpartofmybrainturnsitintoyourcockis

beautiful.

DidIsaythiswasgoingtobedifficult?Thisisgoingtobeimpossible.

“Um,letmeshowyouaround?”

Shepullstheovernightbagstrapfromhershoulderandletsitslidedownherarmtorestonthefloor.

“IsitokayifIleavemybaghere?”

Baby,youcanleaveyourclotheshere.

“Yes,ofcourse,”Imutter,rememberingtonodandsmilepolitely.

Ileadherinawidecirclearoundthefirstfloor,namingeachroomlikeatourguide.Thelivingroom,

thelibrary(thoughmybookcollectionisfairlysparse),thediningroomandthenthekitchen.Shesweeps
throughthekitchen,runningherfingeroverthegraniteandstainlesssteelsurfaces.

“Ilikeyourstyle,”shesaysasshetapsattheceramicsinkbasin.

“Well…Isupposethebuilderactuallypickedmostofthesefixturesout,butthankyou.Idolikea

fairlyneathouse.It'ssomethingIhaven'treallyhadthetimetoaccomplishbymyselflately,butIlike
thingstobenice.”

Shenodsthoughtfully,asthoughfilingthisawayforfuturereference.DidIjustsoundlikeher

employer?DidshethinkIwasgivingherorders?

“Imean,I'mnottellingyouthatIwantyoutobeahousekeeperoranything.Imean,Idon'tknowifthat

reallyfallsintoananny-typedescription,doesit?”Iaskuncertainly.

“Oh,Ididn'tthinkyoumeantanythingbadbythat,”shesaysbreezily.“AndIagree.Ahouseshouldbe

nice.Asforthejobdescription…well,whatisthejobdescription?Ithinkmymompointedoutthat
I'veneverreallybeenanannybefore…”

Hercheeksseemtoreddenslightlyandherlowerlippushesoutinthemostadorablepout.

“Winstonisnotheretoday,”Iinterjectawkwardly.Ican’tstoplookingatherdewy,pinkcheeks.

“He'llbebacktomorrow,soyoucantakesometimeandgetthefeelofthehouse.”

Hereyesnarrowjustslightly.“He'satyour…ex-wife'splace?”

“Yes,shelivesnotfarfromhere.It'saprioritythatWinstonberaisedbybothofus.Wesetasideour

differencestomakethathappenandsoshe'sonlyfifteenortwentyminutesaway.”

Lexi'sponytailbouncesasshenodsherunderstanding.“Hegoestoschoolaroundhere?”

Iwalktowardthepatio,pullingupontheslidingglassdoorstocontinuethetour.Themorewejust

standthereinthekitchen,staringateachother,themoreI'mtemptedtoreachoutforher,totouchher,to
takeherhandagainandseeifthatelectricityisstillthere.

Hereyebrowsgoupasshewalkstothehottubandpoolonthesideofthepatio.Icanseethatshe

wantstotouchthewater,andIhaveavividfantasyaboutslidingthatsandaloffherslenderfootand
tuggingherintothebubblingwaterwithme,lettingherlandontopofme,slideacrossmybody…

“So…pickinghimupfromschool?”

Iswallowhard,tryingnottoimaginesweatbeadingonherupperlipasshesinksintothewater,

smilingatmeinvitingly…

“Ahem,yes,ifthat'sallright?Bringhimhome,thensnacks,homework,thatsortofthing.He'lltellyou

whatherequires.Isupposetheyarequitesturdyateleven.There'sverylittlechanceofhimgoingtheway
ofyourgoldfish.”

Sheburstsintolaughter,thesoundofhergigglescascadingbrightlyoverthehardfixturesandthe

surfaceofthewater.It'ssosweetandcarefreethatittakesmecompletelybysurprise.

Herhandfluttersuptohermouth,coveringthatbeautifulsmileforjustamomentandhereyesgowide

again.

“Okay,IfeelIneedtotellyou...therewasalsoamammal.”

“Amammal?”Istart.

“Ahamster!”sheblurtsout.Theblushbeginsagain,spreadingoverherchestandcollarbones,rising

upherneck.Inseconds,itsweepsacrosshercheeksandthebridgeofhernose.Hereyessparkle.

“Mymomdoesn'tevenknow!IthoughtIfedhim.Maybehejustgotold?Idon'tevenknowhowlong

hamsterslive.ButIhadinmyroom,justasecretlittletankthatIkeptbehindmybed?Heatelittlebitsof
fruitandlettuceandstuff?Thenoneday…hewasjustgone.”

“Oh,I'msosorry…”

“Doesthischangeyouropinionofme?Imeangoldfisharenotevenclosetopeople.Butamammalis

different,right?Ahamster?OhmygoshI’msoembarrassed—Iknowthisisn’tfunny!”

Thewaistbandofherskirtjigglesasshelaughs,flutteringthefrontofthefabricagainstherthighs.

Iclearmythroat.Thewaterreflectionsbandherkneesandcalves,slidingupherinnerthighin

suggestiveshapes.

“Thankyousomuchforsharingthisinformationwithme,butIthinkyou'reintheclear.”

“Oh,whew!”shesighsdramatically.Herhanddriftsoutandhoversintheairforamomentbefore

restinglightlyagainstmyarm.Istaredownatit,marvelingathowjustthebrushofherfingertipssends
pulsesofelectricthrobsthroughme.Thereisadeepharmonicvibrationthere.

Takingastepbackward,Iletherhandfallawayandinstantlymissit.Ilikeherfingersonme.I'dlike

allofheronme.

Thisisgoingtobetorture.

Ibackintothekitchenandshefollowsme,hersmilewideandsincere.Ilovethewayshelooksatme

withcompletetrust,asthoughsheexpectsonlythebest.Sheseemsdelightedtobehere,andthefeelingis
infectious.Mydelightisquicklyoverwhelmingmycaution,mymanners,andmyself-control...

“So,youwillpickupWinstonat3:20everydayandbringhimbackhere.Hedoesn'thaveany

allergies,thoughhedoeshavesomefavoritefoods.I'msurehe'llmakeyouawareofthem.Theyseemto
changeeverycoupleofmonths,justtokeepyouonyourtoes.Thisishisroom,here.”

Thedoorswingsinward,andsheleansinfrontofmetopokeherheadandinspectitbriefly.Iwatch

hereyestraceapathoverthewalls,takinginthetrophiesfromchessclubandsoccer,thefifth-grade
attendancecertificates,theframedPixarposterthatfranklyhe'sgrownoutofandIshouldreplace.

“Oh,doesheplaythepiano?”

Sheglidesintotheroom,aimingrightforthekeyboardsetupinfrontofthewindow.Idriftinbehind

her,stoppingmyselffromalmostunconsciouslyslidingmyhandaroundherwaistfrombehindshestands
there.Itseemslikethemostnaturalgestureintheworld,andnotdoingitisanenormousfeatofwill.

“Yes,butjustbarely.Hetooklessonsforayearandthensoccerseasoncameagainandheaskedto

dropthem.Itwassupposedtobetemporary,but…”

Herfingersdrifttothekeyboard,pressingagainsttheminacomplicatedpattern.Thoughthepower

isn'ton,Icanalmosthearit.

Shepivotsbacktome,herhandsclaspedunderherchin.Ifeelherswayintotheemptyspacebetween

usandalmostreachouttogatherherinmyarmstokeepherfromfalling.

“Wellwouldyoumind?Imean,couldI?Thepiano,Imean?”

“Certainly,”Ianswergruffly,myvoicestrangelyhoarseandforeign.

ShecomesbehindmeasIretreatfromtheroomandbacktothehallway.Ihesitateforonlyamoment

beforeswingingopenthenextdoor.

“Andthisisyourroom,ifit'sallright,”Iannounce.

Shesailsin,hingingslightlyatthewaistasshepeeksaroundeverycorner.It'sjustasimplespace.A

queen-sizebedwithamid-centurymodernheadboard.Wakefieldnightstands.Alightweight,powderblue
quilt.Twodressers.

Shewhirls,herfingerspressedagainstherlips.Herlashescastlacyshadowsoverthetopsofher

cheeksassheblinksseveraltimes.

“Ohit'sbeautiful.It'sperfect,”shebreathes.

Thenshetakesseveralstepstowardme.Hertoespressagainstthecarpet.Iexpecthertostop,butshe

doesn't.Shetakesanother,andanother,untilherchestalmostbrushesagainstmine.

Shetipsherchinuptostareatme.

“Thereisjustonething,”shewhispers.

Iswallow.

“Issomethingwrong?”

Sheshakesherheadurgently.“No,nothingiswrong…andthisiscrazy.Iknowthisiscompletely

crazybutcouldyou…canyoukissme?”

CHAPTER7-LEXI

Idon'tknowwhatcameoverme.Inthecar,Itoldmyselftobegood.Beprofessional.Trytoappear

likethesortofpersonafathermightentrusthissonto.

IparkedmyYarisattheendofthedrivewayincasesomeoneelseneededtogetinorout.AsIwalked

upthecurvingstonepathwithmyovernightbagslungovermyshoulder,Icoachedmyselfonmanners.

Sayplease.Saythankyou.

Complimenthishome.

Rememberthatyou'reheretodoajob,andthat'sit.

Irangthebuzzeronceandthenstoodthere,waiting,lookingforshadowsbehindthebeveledglass

door.It’sareallycooldoor,thekindyoumightseeinacommercialspace.

Itwasn'training,butitfeltlikeitmight.TheairwassoheavyandthickIbegantosweatemphatically,

likemyskinwasmakinganefforttopushoutmoisturetocombatwiththemoisturethatwasalreadyinthe
air.

Imovedaround,carefullyholdingmyarmsoutfrommysidestogetalittlebitofbreezeunderthere.

ThoughI'dwornaweather-appropriatetanktop,Ididn'twanttobesweatingthroughitlikeafarmeror
anything.

Thedooropenedsoundlessly,andairsuckedaroundmelikeawaveontheocean.Iswayedinward

andthenflexedmyknees,tryingnottosimplyfallinthedoorway.

Therehewas,juststandingrightinfrontofme.Tallandbroad,litfrombehind.Hisshirtwasopenat

thecollar,revealingatriangleofhischest,lightlydustedwithhair.Hestoodthereforamomentandthen
heldhishandout,palmup,invitingmeinside.

Iswallowed,tryingtofindmyvoice.

Itwasalmostimpossibletoheareverythinghewassaying.Thesoundinmyearswaslikewhitenoise,

likeacloudburst.LikestaticonaTVchannel.Ijustsmiledandnoddedandtriedtopretendlikethisisall
totallynormal,likeIwasn'tjustcompletelyfreakingout.

Wewenttothekitchen,andhementionedhowhelikedhishouseclean.Finally,somethingIknowhow

todo.Somethinghe'saskedmetodo.AtleastnowIknowwhatheexpectsofme.

Thelightthatreflectedoffthesurfaceoftheswimmingpoolbathedhiminashowerofswirling

patterns.Hestuffedhishandsintohisfrontpockets,hisforearmsthickandropedwithmuscleunderaneat
sprinklingofhair.Icouldimaginetouchingit,strokinghisarmandplayingwiththatmasculine,subtle
mammalsignal.

HaveIeverdatedamanwithahairyanythingbefore?Iwonderedbriefly.Notreally.

I'vehadboyfriendsbeforeofcourse.I'mnotanun.Butwhenyoureallycomedowntoit,boysarejust

absurd.Hairlessandscrawny,obsessedwithvideogames,conspiringtogetsomeonetobuythembeeror

potorwhatever.Notseriouspeople.Notmen.

ButlookingatEverett,everythingwasdifferent.Everypartofmeachedtobenearhim,literally

ached.Ifeltapaininmychest,atuggingatmyhips.Likeasleepwalker,Iwasfightingagainstanalmost
unbearableurgetosimplydrifttowardhim,putmyarmsuparoundhisneck,andfallintothespacewhere
hewas.

HeshowedmeWinston’sroom,andthedecentCasiokeyboardinthere.Ifoundmyselfeagertotouch

something,anything.Somethingfamiliar,somethingsatisfying.

AndwhenIturnedbackaroundtofacehim,Icouldseehowpleasedhewastobeinhisson'sroom.

Hewassoproudofhisson'saccomplishments,allthetrophiesandtrinketsonthewall.Sotenderinhis
plainexpressionofadmirationforthelittleboyIhadn’tevenmetyet.

Soserious,somature.

DutifullyIfollowedhimtothenextroom.HeopenedthedoorandIsteppedwillinglyinside.Itwasa

beautifulspace,allmutedcolorslikepaleblueandcharcoal.Thecoverletwasunwrinkledandprecise.

AndwhenIturnedaroundtothankhim,Ihadtostop.Ihadanimmediateimageofhim,avivid

sensationasthoughitwereascenetakenoutofamovieanddropped,completeandwholecloth,intomy
life.Itwasafantasywherethiswasours.

He'smine.Thisourlife,Ithought,forjustamoment.

ItriedtorememberallthecoachingIhadgivenmyselfaboutbeingdistantandprofessional,butjust

couldn’t.Ithadalldriftedaway.SoIwalkedrightuptohim.

Now,standinghere,I'mafraidIhavemadeaterriblemistake.Istareintohisdeep,browneyes,tracing

thebowofhisupperlipwithmyeyes,waitingforthemomentwhenhislipspart.

“Canyou?Canyoujustkissme?”

WhatIwanttotellhimis,ifyoudon'tkissme,Idon'tknowwhatIwilldo.Idon'twanttojustthrow

myselfaroundyouandlockmyanklesbehindyourhips.Idon'twanttobeg,butIwillbeg.

Foramoment,I'mconvincedhewon't.Ihavemadeanassofmyself.I'mgoingtohavetocrawlbackto

mycarundercoverofdarknessandleavethestate.

Buthedoes.

Andwhenhedoeskissme,it'slikeadream.Hehoversinfrontofmeforamoment,thenhishands

wraparoundmyback.Theyslideundermyarmsandacrossmyshoulderbladesashepullsmetohim,
liftingmeoffmyfeetandpinningmeagainsthischest.

Hislipscrushagainstmine,gentlyprizingthemopenashistonguestrokesthesurfacemyteeth.Iopen

mymouth,wantingtodrinkhimin.Hetastesdeeplysavory,likesomethingbraisedinwine.

Myfingersknotinhisshort,roughhairashewalkswithmeovertothebed,flingingmeontop.His

bodylinesupnexttomineaswegrapple,clutchingateachother,fingersfindingswatchesoffleshto
uncover...probing,exploring,reignitingthatelectricsparkeverytime.

HisfingersslideupmythighandtracetheoutlineofthecottonpantiesIworefortoday.Imoanashis

knuckletracesmyseamthroughthefabric,knowingthathecanfeelthedampnessthere.He'sprobably
alreadyfiguredoutjusthowturnedonIambythewaymyhipskeeppulsingintheair,pushingmyself
closerandclosertohim.

Embarrassed,Ipullawayforamoment.HiseyessearchmineasIbreakthekiss.I’msurehecantell,

butIamwonderingifmydampnessissomethingIshouldbeembarrassedabout.

It'slikeheknowswhatI'mthinking.Hiseyescloudforamomentandthenclearandheslows,dragging

hisfingersagainstme,purposefullypressingalongmyfurrow.

“Isthisforme?”hewhispersroughly.

“I'msorry,I'mjust…”Itrytoexplaininarush.I'mjustneverlikethis,Iwanttotellhim.Ineverthrow

myselfatmen,Ialsowanttotellhim.I'mneversoturnedonthatIsoakthroughmyunderwear.

ButIdon’thavetotellhimanything.Heseemstoalreadyknoweverything.Ijusthavetolethimtake

me.

Hehookshisfingerthroughthewaistbandmypantiesandslidesthemdownandoffmyanklesinone

smoothmovement.Ifeelsoexposed,myskirtwrappedaroundmywaist,nakedandthrobbing.Myknees
fallopenashisfingersfindmeagain,strokinglightly,teasingme,openingmefurtherwithevery
movement.

“Please,”Iaskhim.

Hisbrowknots.“Yousure?”

Inodtightly.

“But,Idon’thaveanycondoms.Iwasn't,hm…planningon—”

“No,nocondoms,”Iinsistautomatically.ThenIrealizethatisnotreallyuptome.“Imean,Iwantto

feelyou.Justyou.Ifthat'sallright.”

“Butwhatabout—”

“I'vebeenonthepillsinceIwasthirteen.Formyskin.”

HehesitatesanothermomentandIletmyhanddriftdownhischest,pressingmypalmtohisbelly,

slidingmyfingersagainsthimuntilIfindhishard,thickerection.Arumblinggrowlescapeshislips.

“Lexi,”hemoans,hisvoicetintedwithconcern.“Iwon’tbegentle.”

Thewordsthrillme,shakingupanddownmycoreinaseriesofexplosions.

“Don'tbe!”

“Don’tlookaway,”hesays,hisvoicesuddenlyserious.

Ibitemylipstogetherandnod.Iloveitwhenhetellsmewhathewants,whenhetellsmewhathe

expects.Ihearhiszipperslidingdownandkeepmyeyeslockedonhisashetakesmywristsandpins

themovermyhead,positioninghimselfoverme.HiskneesnudgemythighsapartandIwillinglyletmy
legsfallwideopenonthebed.Hiseyesaresteadyandintense,sofocusedI'mafraidtoblink.

Inonemotion,heswaysagainstme,pausingbrieflyatmyentrance.Iwigglemyhips,willingmybody

toopenforhim.I'msowet,henearlyslipsthroughmebutafteramoment’sresistance,hedriveshimself
in,plungingtomycorewithaferalgrowl.

I’mfilledalmosttochokingasheplowsrelentlesslytomycore,shakingmybonesloose,reducingme

torubblebeneathhim.WhenIfinallycome,it'sexplosive,batteringmybodywithclenching,clasping
desperation.Iarchmybackandlethimheavehimselfinsideme.Heroarsintomymouthashecomes,his
bodyshudderingoverandoverandoveragain.

“It’samazing,”Ipantthroughrelentlesswavesofblissthatwrackmylimbs.No,hewasn'tgentle,but

hewasperfect.

AndjustbeforeIfallasleep,hefoldsaroundme.Hewrapshisarmsaroundmyshouldersandlegs,

bendinghiskneesunderneathmybottomsothatwearecurledtogetherliketwoplantsthathaveconjoined
inthespacewheretheygrewtogether.

CHAPTER8-EVERETT

Foralongtime,Iwanttosleep.

She'snestledagainstme,herkneestuckedupandrestingagainstmyhip.Herheadfitsinthecrookof

myshoulderwithherhairfannedoutovermyarminshiningwaves.

Shedoesn'tmindifIpullhercloser,ifIkissthetopofherheadorstrokethecurveofhercheek.

Shesighsthroughhernoseandsnugglesevenclosertome.

IknowI'mnotdonewithher.Somehow,IconvincedmyselfmaybeifIjustletitout,tappedintothe

pressure,thatwouldbeenough.Wecouldfuckjusttogetitoutofoursystems.MaybeI'dbeshortananny,
andthatwouldbeapity,butIwouldadjust.

ButnowIknowI'mnotdone.Sheshiftsherweightslightly,brushingthebackofherthighagainstmy

cock.IamhardasIeverwas,onlybarelycontrollingmyselffromturningheroverandplowingheragain.
Iwanttoaskherformore.Iwanttowakeherbackup.

Whatishappeningme?

Threeyears’deprivation.Threeyearsofnotsomuchasaflirtyglance.Idon'twatchporn.Ican'teven

lookattheexposedplasterofmannikinsinthedepartmentstore.

Threeyears,andItumblelikeahouseofcardsoverLexi'ssimpletouch.

AndIfeelitinsideme,thatbeast.Thathowlingneed.Thatobliteratingyearningtobewithsomeone,to

beinsidesomeone,tobeburiedinsomeone'ssoul.

Ihopeshe'sreadyforthis.

Asthesunstartstoset,Iunpeelmyselffromherandpadoutoftheroom.Ineedtodosomethingelse.I

needjustamomenttothink.

Iwriteheranoteandleaveitonthefrontcounterkitchencounter—Backlater,helpyourselfto

anythingyouwanttoeatordrink.–Everett.

Ihopeitseemspolite,affectionate,andappropriatelydistant.

IgetinmyBMWandrolldownthedriveway,notsurewhereIwanttogo.Asthesunsets,Ijustdrive

towardit,chasingthelastraysofamberlightthatcutthroughthefoothills.ItisdarkbythetimeI'm
drivingupthesideofthemountain,mutteringtomyselfasIgoalongeachcurve.

She'stooyoungforme.

She'snotreadyforthis.It'snotfairformetoaskher.

LikeTahoeisvibrantandbright,aglaringsmearacrossthewindshieldasIdrivedownthestripand

acrosstheborderintoCalifornia.AsIpassthecasinosandrestaurants,itturnsbackintothesortofsmall,
quaintmountaintownthatit'sbeensincethe1950s.

IrolltheBMWintothegravelonthesideoftheroadandstareoutoverthedark,glitteringsurfaceof

thelake.Icanseetheheadlightsofafewnightcruisersintheirminiatureyachtstracingbackandforth
acrossthewater.It'sbeautifuluphere.

Lexiwouldloveit.Ishouldbringher.

Istareoutofthefrontwindowinthedirectionofmycabin,justanothertwenty-fivemilesinthis

direction.Icouldgothatway,orIcouldturnaroundandgobackhome.Wheresheis.

Andthere'sreallyonlyoneanswer.IrolltheBMWbackintotrafficandpullU-turn.

***

Daylightcomeswaytoofast,andIwakeinmyownbed.ImmediatelyIstartrunningthroughmyagenda

fortheday.

Makecoffee,checkwiththeoperationsmanageronequipmentdeliveries,writeoutalistforLexiof

importantnumbers,contactsandaddresses.

Lexi.

Ishovethethoughtofheroutofmymindwithavengeance.Nomatterwhat,Ihaveajobtodo.I'vegot

acompanytorun.

Istripinfrontofthesink,brushingmyteethwithonehandandliningupmytoiletrieswiththeother.

Deodorant,shavingcream,facesoap,andmoisturizerthatsmellslikesomekindofspice.

ThecoldsurfaceofthestonecounterfeelsgoodagainstmyupperthighsasIleanforwardtospitout

thetoothpaste.Isplashwateronmyfaceandsnapanewcartridgeoutofthepackofrazors.

AsmallsoundbehindmestartlesmeandIturnaround,therazormyhand.Lexiisstanding

therewrappedinaslatebluetowel,hereyeswideandstartled.Sheopenshermouthandclosesit,then
opensitagain.

“Ohmygosh,”shebreathes.Shetucksherwethairbehindherearsandswallows.“I'msosorry…is

thereanotherbathroom?Ididn'tmeanto…”

“No,noit'sallright,”Iexplainquickly.IrealizeIdidn'tactuallyshowhertheotherbathroom.This

onehasadoorthatleadstothehallway.Ofcoursethisiswhatshethought.

AndhereIam,standingwithmycockpointingrightather.

Hereyesslidedownmytorso,openingwiderastheycirclemyinsistent,pulsingerection.Myballs

lurchasthoughtheyfeeltheweightofherstare.

Ifeelaroundbehindmeforatowelorsomethingtocoverupwith.

ButbeforeIcandoanything,shewalksacrossthefluffybathroomrugandkneelsinfrontofme,taking

mycockinbothofhersoft,damppalms.Herfingerstracetheveinyridgesbackandforthandshestares
atit,transfixed.

Igripthecounterandleanedback,amazedbeyondtheabilitytospeak.

“Likethis?”sheasksmeinaquietvoiceandsheleansforward,openinghermouthslightlyand

pushingouthertongue.

“Yes,justlikethat,”Ianswergruffly,afraidoftheroarthat'sbuildinginsideme.Iforcemyhandsnot

toleavethecountersoIdon'tgrabthebackofherheadandchokeherwiththeurgencyofmyneed.

Hertongueswirlsunderthehead,tracingtheridgesinacircle,flutteringacrossmyslit.Herhands

driftupanddowntheshaft,toolightly,fartoolightly.

“Alittleharder,”Icroak.

Sheshiftsonherknees,facingmecompletely.Hereyesareliftedtomine,soinnocent,soeagerto

pleasemeastheheadofmydickpressesagainstthosesweet,pinklips.

“Yes,that'sit,”Igroan,pushingonlyslightly.Iwanttoramtothebackofherthroat.Iwanttobury

myselfinsideher.

Herfingerstightenaroundtheshaftasherlipswiden,stretchingaroundmygirth.Ipulseslightlyto

encourageherandshefollowssuit,movingfaster,bobbingherheadenthusiasticallyasfarasshecan
whileherfistsgripthebaseofme.

Idon'twantto,butIhaveto.MyfingersfindthebackofherheadandIpullherontome,buryingmy

cockinhermouthasIshootriversofcumdownherthroat.Shestiffensbutdoesn'tpullawayuntilIempty
myselfintoherandslumpforward,panting.

It'ssosweetthewayshejustholdsmeinhermouthasIslowlysoften,tryingtocatchmybreath.My

kneesquake.Iwanttosinktothefloor.InsteadIjuststandhere,tryingtoregaincontrolofmylimbs.

Afteralittlewhilemydickslidesfromherwet,shininglipsandshesmilesupatme,dimpledand

prettyasapicture.

“Goodmorning,Everett,”shewhispersasshestands.Thetowelslidesfromhermiddleandpuddles

onthefloorasshewalksaway,nakedandglorious,curvyandjiggling.MostbeautifulthingI'veever
seen.

Andshe'sgoingtobemine.

CHAPTER9-LEXI

EverettleftmeanotewiththeWi-Fipassword,emergencycontactnumbers,andtheaddressof

Winston’sschool.I'msupposedtomeethimthereat3:10(precisely,Iassume)sothathecanintroduceus
andletWinstonknowaboutthenewprotocol.That'sthewordheused:protocol.

Protocol.Protocol.

Irollthewordaroundinmymindlikeapieceofcandyonmytongue.Everythinghedoesisso

precise,sopracticed.Isitthathismilitarybackground?Orisitjustthemarkofamanwhohassettledin,
confidentandcomfortable?

Therearelittlehintsofthatsortofattitudeallaroundthehouse.Everypieceoffurnitureisprecisely

positioned.Everythinghasaplace,andeverythingisinitsplace.Nodrawerisfilledtooverflowing.
Everycabinetinthekitchenhasitemsgroupedbykind,andarrangedbysize.Hehassixmatchingwater
glasses.Notfive,becauseonegotbroken.Nottwoofthisandtwoofthat.Six,precisely.

Andwhileit'sthrilling,it'salsolittleintimidating.

IgrabmylaptopandconnecttohisWi-Fi,openingamessengerapptotrytocontactPhoebe.

Me:hey,feebs.

Shedoesn'tanswerrightaway,soIgetbacktowhatI'mdoing,whichisbasicallytryingtofind

somethingtoclean,rearrange,ordustthatisn'talreadyclean,exactlywhereitshouldbe,ordust-free.It's
tough.Ifoundonespotonthecountertop,wayintheback.Everythingelsehasjustbeensortofpointless
busywork.

Phoebe:heygirl.

MyheartleapswhenIhearthechimebecauseshemessagedmeback.I'mgladtoknowshe'sthere,

eventhoughI'mnotreallysurewhatIwanttosaytoher.Ibiteonmybottomlip,tryingtothinkofwhatI
reallywanttoask.

Me:AmIaslob?

I'llgiveherasecondtothinkaboutthat.Igopeekthroughclosets,lookingforavacuumcleaner.I

couldprobablygetsomegoodvacuumlinesonthelivingroomcarpet.Thatwouldlooknice,Iguess,
thoughI’mnotsureifI'llactuallyvacuumanythingup.I’llsortofjustbecombingthecarpet.

Phoebe:Um…no?Whywouldyouaskmethat?Haveyouseenmyhouse?

Me:Well…doyouthinkthatIcould,youknow,keepahouseclean?

Phoebe:Seriouslyyouareaskingthewronggirl.Also,areyouhishousekeepernow?

Me:I'mjustbored.Killingtime.Buteverythingissoneat!

Phoebe:Youcray.Youshouldturnyourattentiontowardfindingawaytogetyourhandsinhis

pantsifyoureallywanttodosomethinguseful.

Me:Hm.

Phoebe:What!NOYOUDIDN’T!

Me:Itotallydidthough.

Istareatthescreenandnothinghappens.Iwonderwhatshe'sthinking.Issheproudofme?Horrified?

Me:Twice…

Iglanceattheclock.It's12:30andIneedtogetintheshoweragainsoIcanbereadyintimetogoto

Winston’sschool.I'mnervoustomeethim,butIcan'twaittoseeEverettagain.Thewayheheldmyhead
ashefilledmealmosttochoking,crushingthebreathoutofme,holdingmecaptiveuntilhehadfilledmy
bellywithhishotseed…Justthinkingaboutitsendscrampsoflustthroughmypelvis.

IkeeptryingnottothinkaboutitbecauseeverytimeIdo,Igushwithwetnessalloveragain.I've

alreadybeenthroughthreepairsofpantiessofartoday.

Thelaptopchimesagain.

Phoebe:Twice…likeforreal?LikePinVforreal?

Me:Yesforreal!Andinmymouth!

Phoebe:Ithoughtyoudidn'tdothat!

Ithinkback…Iwasjustassurprisedashewas.AssoonasIsawit,glisteningandheavy,bouncing

mesmerizinglyintheair,Ihadtohaveitonmytongue.

Me:Forreal!Isitokay?Doyouthinkhethinksthat'sokay?NowI’mwondering…

AndIrealizethisiswhyIcalledforPhoebe'shelp.IwanthertoreassuremethatIhaven'tdone

anythingwrong,becauseIdon'tknowwhat'shappeningtome.FromthemomentImethim,I'monfire.

Somepartofmybrainthatneverwokeupbeforeissuddenlyawakeandscreaming.Itwantsmy

attentionlikeademandingchild,likeIcamehomewithatigercubfromthepetstorebymistake.Nowit's
allteethandbloodlustandaconfusingsymphonyofsoundsthatI'mnotsureIcancontrol.

AllIknowisthatIwanthim.Onacellularlevel,onaprimallevel,inawayI'veneverthoughteven

madesensebefore.Allofasudden,everystupidmovieI'veeverseenmakesalotmoresense.Every
JustinBiebersong.

Evenporn,whichIneverlikedbefore,nowseemsalotmoresympathetic.Icanseewhyyou'dwantto

watchthat,tapthattriggeroverandoveragain.It'sallstartingtomakesense.

Phoebe:Whatdoyoumean…ofcourseit'sokay!I'msogladyoufoundyourinnerslut!

Me:Slut?Really?

Phoebe:Hellyes.It'sabouttimeyougotthatstickoutofyourbuttandgotadickinyourbutt…

Me::-o

Phoebe:Yeahgirl,it’scomingtogetuuuuuuuuuu!

Isnapthelaptopclosed.Shecan'tbeserious.Butwhatifsheisserious?Whatifheexpects...?

Anal.Eventhewordsoundsstrange,arcane.Likeit'sthenameofsomekindofancientsnakeGodor

something.Butisthatwhathewantstodo?Everybodysureseemstotalkaboutitalot.IsthatwhatIneed
tobedoing?

Justputitoutofyourmind,Itellmyself.Justtrynottothinkaboutit.

Ifinishvacuumingupandputthemachineaway,jumpyanduncertain.IwishIhadbeenmore

adventurousinhighschool,likesomeoftheothergirls.Iwasn'tcompletelyprudish,Ialsodidn'tfeel
compelledtogetwithanyoftheboysthatIknew.

Becausetheywereboys,itwashardtotakethemseriously.Afteralltheimageryinmoviesofpeople

passionatelycrashingtogether,aggressivelytearingeachother'sclothesoffandslammingagainstwalls
withperfectchoreography,Ijustcouldn'tseeit.

CertainlynotwithScott,myhighschoolboyfriend,withhisscragglyScoobyDoobeardandconcave

chest.Theonetimeweactuallytriedtodoit,Iwassurprisedhowsmallitwas.Nobiggerthanathumb,
really,andham-colored,nestledinawirythatchofpubichair.Heleanedhisseatbackinhisdad'sPrius.
Ican'tevensayhowlongittook—maybetwentyseconds?Didn'treallyhavemuchofanimpactonme,
andIdon’tthinkhegotitin.HeaskedifIwantedtogetburgersafter,andImentionedthatIhad
homeworkandwenthomeinstead,wonderingifIwasstillavirginornot.

ThatwasprettymuchtheendofScott.

Totallydifferentthanthis.ThathauntedlookinEverett'seyesinthebathroomwhenIemergedfromthe

showertransfixedme.AtfirstIwasembarrassed,becauseIwasclearlyinthewrongplace.Whenhe
turnedaround,flexinghisabdomenlikeawaryanimal,histhighsropedwithmuscles,hisfeetplanted
shoulderwidthapart…Iwasovercome.Ihaveneverseenanythingsogorgeous.Asprinklingofhair
spreaddarklyacrosshispecslikethewingsofabirdofprey,trailingdownbetweenhissculptedabsand
flaringagainoverhiscockwhichwasthickanderect,pointingrightatme.

Nowthat'saman.Someprimal,deeppartofmetoldmetoobey.Topleasehim.Tofallonmyknees

andworshiphim.

Iwanthimtoteachme.Iwanthimtoguidemelikeheguidedmyheadonthatveryfirstblowjob.I

wanttoteachmeeverythingthathewants,thatheyearnsfor.I'llbeaverygoodstudent.

CHAPTER10-EVERETT

WinstonglancesupatmewhenLexi'sbabyblueYarispullstothecurbinfrontoftheschool.Inodand

squeezehisshouldertoanswerhim.

Ifeelthedooropenbehindmeastheadministratorcomesout,butIcan'ttakemyeyesoffher.

Distracted,swingingherhandbagassheclimbsthecurb,herlonglegsmovingbeneaththatfluttery,
feminineskirt.Iloveitthatshewearsskirts,thatsheissogirlishandbreezy.Shehasacertaincatlike
strengthtoo,butshedoesn'tmakeanefforttoflauntit.She'scomfortablebeingsoft,justthewayIlikeher.

Shesmilesbrightlywhensheseesme,butthenlooksatWinston.Iappreciatethewaysheapproaches

himseriously,makingeyecontactbutnotspeaking,allowinghimtomakethefirstmove.

Tomysurprise,hedoes.Hesticksouthishandwhenshe'scloseenoughandsheshakesitbriefly.Then

hepivots,lookingupatmetoseeifIapprove.

Iapprove,absolutely.

TheadministratorclearsherthroatpolitelyandIturntowardher.“Mrs.Abernathy,thisisAlexis

Cooper.I'dliketohaveherontheauthorizedpickuplistforWinstonifthat'sallright.She'smy,hm,
nanny.”

IfeelLexi'seyesflickertowardme,butdon'tlookback.I'mwatchingMrs.Abernathy'sfaceforsigns

ofjudgmentordisapproval.

“Well,that'sfine!”Mrs.Abernathyquips.“Didyoubringyourdriver’slicense,hon?Wejustneedto

getthatintoWinston'sfilealongwiththeformandyou'llbeallset,okay?”

“Oh!Okay,”Lexinods.“Isthatallittakes?Youdon'tneedtofingerprintmeoranything?”

Mrs.Abernathylaughswithherheadbackasthoughthisisajoke,butIhaveasuspicionthatLexi

wasn'tentirelykidding.Somehow,Iappreciatethatshewouldbesensitivetoissuesofsecurity.

Withtheladiesgone,IkneelsothatIcanlookWinstondirectlyintheeye.Actually,nowIhavetolook

upsincehestartedhispreadolescentgrowthspurt.

“Irealizeyouarequitegrown-up,”Istart.“Andthatthisprobablyseemsfartoobabyishforsomeone

asadultasyou.”

Hiseyebrowsgoupinthecenterslightly,buthe'scarefulnottobesarcastic.“Sheseemsallright.”

Ismile,gladtonotehiswillingnessforadventure.“Actually,she'smorethanallright.Doyouthink

youmightwanttotakepianolessonsagain?”

Hetipshisheadslightlytowardhisleftshoulder.“Pianolessons?Whydoyouask?”

“Lexiisamusicteacher,”Imutterconspiratorially.“Youshouldaskheraboutit.It'salwaysniceto

havesometopicsofconversationpreparedwhenyou'rewithalady.That'smyfatherlyadvicefortheday.
Nowyouknowshe'samusicteacher,andshoulditevercomeup...”

Henodshisunderstanding.“We'llhavesomethingtotalkabout,”hefinishesforme.

“Exactly,”Iagree,standingagain.

Myhandbrushesoverhisshort,colickyhairoutofhabit.Hestillletsmedothat,andnevercomplains

aboutit.Iwonderhowmuchlongerthatwilllast.WhenIlookathimnow,Icanseetheganglyadolescent
startingtocreepoverhimlikeatransparentimagebeinglaidoverayoungerchild.It'scoming,my
teenageboy.Musician?Orjock?I'mexcitedtofindout.

Lexiemergesagainfromtheswingingglassdoor,hersmilebrightandcheerful,herkneesdimpling

witheverystep.Ihavetoturnawaybeforemylust-filledthoughtsgetthebetterofmeagain.Shestrides
towardWinstonandIfeelhimnodunconsciously.

Thethreeofuswalkawayfromtheschoolandgetinourseparatecars.Assoonasthedoorcloses

onWinstonandme,Iseehertaillightsflashashercarstartsupaheadofus.Strangely,Imissher.She's
onlyfifteenfeetaway,inherowncar,butallcanthinkisthatIverymuchwishshewashere.

***

Ididn'treallyexpecthertocleanhouse.WhenIsaidthat,Iwasmakingawkwardconversation.Iwas

notcommandingher.WhatifshethinksIwascommandingher?Butsomethingaboutknowingthatshe's
driventoobediencemakesmeshudder.Obedienceissouseful.Intherightcircumstancesit’sabsolutely
erotic.

Winstonwalksthroughthegarageandintothekitchenimmediately,Lexitrailingbehindhim.Iwalk

aroundalmostinadaze,notingallthelittlethingsthatshe'sdone.Thecobwebsoverthewindowsare
gone.Thecountertopssparkle.ItsmellslikePine-Solandbleach,whichIappreciate.Andtheliving
roomisvacuumedinneat,parallelrowsthatgofromwalltowallwithnooverlap.

HowdidsheknowIwouldlikethat?

Itisslightlythrillingtowonderhowfarherobedienceextends.Canshebetrained?CanIteachherto

likethethingsthatIlike?Noteverythingofcourse,butenoughtomakeherunderstandherefforts
areappreciated.Justcertainthings,afewintimategesturessothatIalwaysknowshebelongsme.

Shebelongstome.

Shemaynotknowityet,butshedoes.Icanseeitinhereyes:theeagerness,thewanting,the

willingnesstosubmit.Shehasasortofpliabilitythatspeakstoadeepresilience.She'stoughandyet
yielding.ThekindofwomanIwanttofallinto.TheonlykindofwomanIcoulddaretobewith.

Andofcoursesheis.She'sbeenthroughhell.

Iknowthisonlytoowell,IthinkasIwatchherwalkingbackandforthbehindthekitchenisland.

Winstonsitsonastoolontheotherside,studiouslynibblingataneatpileofcheese,appleslices,and
crackers.They'reallarrangedsothattheydon'ttouch.Iwonderifhetoldherthat,orifshefiguredthat
out?

Yes,Iknowit.Sheisremarkablystrong.Iunderstandhowdifficultiesmakeyoustronger.Andyet,

she'snothardwithhermother.Evenafterherfather'ssuicide,thewayhermothertreatsher,strugglingto
getthroughcollege…sheisstillsoft,stillwilling.

She'sperfect.

Ikeepasubtledistance,lettingLexiandWinstongetacclimatedtoeachotherlikenewpuppiesina

pen.Theymakepoliteconversation,talkingaboutpopartists,videogames,movies.Shelistensand
smilesathimwithoutbeingcondescendingabouthisage.

He'spoliteandrespectfulofhertoo,alternatingbetweenadorablychildishbehaviorand

preternaturallymaturestatementsthatseemtocomeoutofnowhere.That'sjustwhereheisinhislife,
teeteringbetweenlittleboyandteenager.IcertainlyhopehehasaneasiertimeofitthanIdid.

Shemakesdinnerforus,alightassortmentofgrilledvegetables,simplydressed,andsalmonfillets

withaspicysaucethatshethoughtfullyspoonsintoaramekinforWinston.She'srightaboutthattoo.The
chiliisfartoospicyforhisunderdevelopedpalate.

Asthethreeofussitaroundthetableeatingthedinnersheprepared,I'mhappytosaynothing.

Everythingissosmooth,I'mafraidtodisturbitorintroduceanykindofripplesonthepond.Thisisgoing
somuchbetterthanIcouldhaveevenhoped.Theyseemintriguedbyeachother,rapidfiringquestions
andanswersacrossthetableastheygettoknoweachotherbetter.

Icouldgetusedtothis.

Afterdinner,Winstonvolunteerstoclearthetable.

“Yes,thatwouldbenice,”Iagree.“Anythenyoumayspendanhourplayingvideogamesifyoulike?”

Helooksatmeinsurprise.“Seriously?”

Inod.“Ifyoupromisetodoyourhomeworkrightafter.”

“Excellent!”hehoots,swipingthedishesefficientlybackintothekitchen,scrapingandrinsingthem

beforeloadingthemintothedishwasher.It'sanunusualboonforhim.Normallyhe'sexpectedtodo
homeworkwithoutdelay.ButIhavemyreasons.

“Lexi?Aword?”

Iwalkacrossthegreatroomtothelibrarybeyondandholdopenthedoorforher.Sheslipsinsideand

Iclosethedoorbehindus,leavingthelightoff.

“Standjusthere.Please,”Imurmur,indicatingthatsheshouldwalkaroundtotheothersideofthesofa.

“HaveIdonesomethingwrong?Wewereonlyjusttalking—”

“You’vedonenothingwrong,”Ireassureher.

Ifollowbehindher,awarethatI'mnearlyprowling.Iwatchherheartbeatflutterbetweenher

collarbones.Herfingertipstapagainsttheleatherbackofthesofaasshefidgetsnervously.

“Turnaround.”

“Excuseme?”shewhispers.

“Please,justdoasIask,”Isay.

Sheturns,facingthedoorthatleadsbackouttothegreatroom.IseetheTVflickertolifeasWinston

startshisgameanddropsontothesofa.Hisattentionisimmersedthereandhisbackistous.

Sheputsherpalmsonthebackofthesofaandstaresoutthedoor.Icomeupclosebehindher,trailing

mybreathacrossherbareshoulders,watchingtheskintightenthere.

“Hecan'tseeus,”Iinformher.“ButIwillneedyoutobequiet.Canyoudothat?”

Shenodstightly.

“CanyouanswermewhenIaskyouaquestion?”

“Yes.”

Sheanswered,butIneedmore.WhydoIneedmore?

“Youmaycallme‘Sir’or‘Daddy,’”Iinformherinalowvoice,andIamthrilledtosayit.“Butonly

whenwe’realonetogether,doyouunderstand?”

“Yes,”shebreathes,thenpauses.Afteramoment’shesitationsheadds,“Sir.”

AndIalmostlosemymind.Idroptomykneesbehindher,pushingherskirtupoverherass,ripping

herpantiestothesideandplungingmytongueintoherwet,seethingpussy.Sheissweetandliquid,
pulsingwithneed.

Ihearhergasp,andIhopeshedoesn'ttellmetostopbecauseIcan'tstop.Istandupbehindher,

draggingaforearmacrossmylipsasIdropmytrousers.Mycockisthrobbingandreadytoexplodeas
Islapitagainstthebacksofherthighs.

“Youfeelthat?”Igrowlagainstherneck.“Youfeelwhatyoudotome?”

“Yes,sir!”shemewls,barelyaboveawhisper.

Ipushforwardslightlyandspreadherankleswithmyfeet.Herpussyiscompletelyopentomeand

exposed,gleamingandpink,hertightholegaspingslightlyasitclaspsatnothing.

Wrappingonearmaroundhertinywaist,Ileanin,buryingtheheadofmycockagainstthetight

holeuntilitburststhrough.HervoiceisawhimperinherthroatasIrootinhercore,thrustingasdeepas
Ican,drowningmyselfinhersweetpussytilshealmostcriesout.

“Quiet!”Iremindher.Andsheis,butshearchesherbackdramaticallywhenshecomes,flingingher

shouldersagainstme.Herthighsgorigidasherpussyclenchesaroundme,forcingmetocomeinside
herandmilkingmeofeverylastdrop.

Iholdhertometightly,buryingmygroansinthesoftfleshofherneck.Hernipplesaretautstones

betweenmyfingers.Sheshudders,finallygoingcompletelylimp.

AsIpullout,Iarrangeherskirtbackoverherbeautifulroundass.Itmakesmehungryalloveragain

andIamamazedathowmanyexperiencesIhavetosharewithher.

“Willyoupleasecontinuetowearskirtsforme?”Iaskher.

Shenods,breathlessassherearrangeshertanktopoverhershoulders.Thensheremembersmy

request.

“Yes,”sheanswers,hervoicelowandclear,herjadegreeneyesunwaveringastheylockintomine.

“Daddy.”

CHAPTER11-LEXI

Tomycompleteanduttersurprise,Winstonistotallyterrific.I'venevermetakidlikethis.He'sbright

andinquisitive,ofcourse;hegetsthatfromhisdad.Butheisalsowell-manneredandpatient.Helistens
whenyoutalktohim,reallylistens.He'sobedient,ofcourse,buthehasadeepsenseofhumortoo.It
doesn'tcomeoutallthetime,butit'sinthere.Ican'twaittogettoknowhimbetterandfindoutmore.

Iwasactuallysortofsadtoseehimgobacktohismother'shouse.Thethreedaysjustflewby.Despite

Everett’swarningsaboutWinston'seatinghabits,Ididn’tfindhimparticularlypicky.Perhapshejustlikes
thesamethingsthatIlike.Thatwouldbeeasier.

Thewhooshofthecoldairinthegrocerystoreisarelief.Monsoonseasonseemstobeendingand

afternoonsgobywithoutthewindorcoolingeffectofthesuddencloudbursts.Theskiesarebeautifuland
blue,buttheheatissomethingelse.

WithoutWinstoninthehouseforthenextfewdaysI'mnotentirelysurewhatIshouldbegettinghere.

Everettclaimedtonotbepickyaboutfood,butwithhisphysique,hecan'tjustbeeatingFritosand
CheeseWhiz.

Lingeringintheproduceaisle,Itakemytimepickingoutheadsoflettuce,cucumbers,andtomatoesso

succulentandripethey’repracticallyobscene.AndInoticeeverythingfeelslikesex.Theworldison
fire.

Idon'tknowhowIneverrealizedthisbefore.Everybodywalkingaroundontwolegsisbasicallya

sexualobjectjustwaitingtohappen.Everybody.Andatleasthalfthefruitsandvegetablesinthisproduce
sectionaresextoystoo,nowthatIthinkaboutit.

It'sawholedifferentwayoflookingatthings.

Turnedout,that'swhatPhoebecallsit.She'sgotallkindsofcutenicknamesformenow.Titsvon

Slutsky.SuperCooter.Andmypersonalfavorite:SexyLexi.

Ihopethat’stheonethatsticks.

AsIwantedtothedrygoodsaisle,theoverheadmusicturnstoaninstrumentalversionofapopsong.

Itissortofaterribleversion,andIcan'tstoplisteningtoit.Popsongsgenerallyaren'tinaminorkey,and
there'sareasonthatthisoneoriginallywasn't.Whoeverwrotethisarrangementshouldbetakenoutback
andsmackedwithafish.

I'mshakingmyheadindisgustwhenIcomearoundthecornerforthenextaislewherethelaundry

detergentis,andnearlyrunrightintomymother.

“Oh!”Iblurtout,jammingmyheelstothefloorlikeI'mpullingtheemergencybrakeonthe

shoppingcart.Shescowlsatme.

“Thatwasclose,”shesaysaccusingly.

“Hi,Mom,”Istammer.“I'msorry…Ididn’tseeyouthere.Actually,whatareyoudoinghere?This

isn’ttheSmith’sclosesttoyourhouse,isit?”

“Thisonehasbetterproduce,”shesniffs.Hereyestravelovermefromtoptobottomandbackagain.I

shiftuncomfortablyonmysandals.“How'sitgoingoverthere?Thenannything?”

Andhereitcomes,thefull-bodyblush.Ifeelitburningonmyskinandhatemycomplexionwithafiery

passionrightnow.

“It'sgoingreallygood,”Ichoke,tryingtosoundbrightandcheeryandnotatalllikeI'mbeingfucked

intooblivioneverysingleday.

Shenarrowshereyesatme.“Didyouregisterfornextsemester?”

“No,I…”Istart,andthenremembersheshouldknowthat.Iaskedherforthemoney,andshesaidno.

Soisshejustaskingmebecauseshewantstohearmesaythewords?“It’snotgoingtobepossible,
unfortunately.Ineedtosaveupsomemoney,since,youknow…oh,hey—”

Shetipsherheadtotheside.“What?”

“IsthatKateSpade?”

Shefreezeswhereshestandsandslowlyelbowsherhandbagbehindher.

“Mom,”Isay,alittletooloudly,“Icanstillseeit.That'sKateSpade.That'sa$600purse!”

“Oh,comeon,”sherollshereyes.“Igotitattheoutlets.Itwaslikeeightybucks.”

“That'salie!”Isay,waytooloudlythistime.Peoplearestartingtolookatus.“That'sabrand-new

pickKateSpadebag,notsomeoutletmallbullshitknockoff.That'shernewline,thisseason,andithasto
beatleast$600!”

“So?”shehuffsdefensively.

“Youtoldmeyouwerebroke.”

“Ididn'ttellyouwearebroke.ItoldyouIdidn'tthinkthatyouarereadyforthat—”

“No,notthen,”Iinterrupt.MyheartispoundingbutIforcemyselftocontinuefarbeyondwhatIwould

normallysaytoher.“Everyothertime.Infact,everysingletimeIaskyouforthesmallestbitofhelp,
you'realwaystellingmehowbrokeyouare.Whichmakessensebecauseyoudon'twork,right?Those
survivorbenefitsonlygosofar,right?Likeyou'realwaystellingme?”

Hermouthopenslikeshe'sgoingtosaysomething,butIcan’thearit.Ibackupoutoftheaisleand

swervethecartbackintotraffic.MaybeIhearhervoicebehindme,butmaybeIdon't.Itdoesn'tmatter.

Iknowhowshegotthemoneyforthatpurse.

CHAPTER12-EVERETT

WhenIgethomefromwork,thefirstthingIhearisapotclatteringtothefloor.

“Shit,shit,shit!”shehisses.Iseeherhairtrailingbehindherasshestoopstopickitup.

“Lexi?”Icallout.

“I'moverhere!”sheannouncestestily.Shewalksbackandforth,pluckingfretfullyattheproducebags,

movingthecuttingboardandcookwarearoundtonorealeffect.

“CanIhelp?”

Hereyesflickeruptome,herfacefrozenbrieflyinsurprise.Shestandsstill,takingdeepbreathsto

calmherself.Herfingerswraparoundthehandleofthechef'sknife.

“Iseverythingokay?”

Shenods,butherhandfluttersuptoherforeheadandkneadsthespacebetweenhereyebrows.Isee

thecornersofhermouthtwistandrealizeshe'sabouttocry,reallycry,righthereinmykitchen.

Irushtoher,carefullydisengagingthechef'sknifefromherfingersbeforewrappingherinmyarms.

Shedoesn'tcry,atleastnotyet,justshuddersagainstme,herbodytenseandtrembling.

“Whathappened?Youokay?”

“Mymother—”shestartsandthenchokesoff.

Rhonda.Ishouldhaveseenthiscoming.Presumably,hermotherjerkshertailonaregularbasis.I

shouldhaveknownthiswaspartofthepackagedeal.AcertainamountofRhondaisgoingtocreepinto
ourlives,nomatterwhat.

“It'sallright,”Imurmuragainstherhair,pushingitbehindherearsandsmoothingitagainstmypalm.I

drinkinthehoneyandlavenderscentofhershampoo,clutchinghertothefrontofmybody.

“I'msorry,”shemumbles.“Ikeeptryingtogetdinnerstartedandit’sjust…Idon’tevenknowwhatI

wanttomakeanymore.”

“Don'tworryaboutthat,”Itellher.“Howaboutwejustgoouttodinner?”

Shepullsaway,lookingupatmeandblinking.Herlightgreeneyesareshinyandbright.Iwoulddo

justaboutanythingsoshewouldn'thavetocry.Idon'tthinkIcouldstandit.

“Ialreadygotallthestuff,”sheexplainsmeekly.

Ireleaseher,kissinghergentlyontheforeheadbeforegrabbingsomeoftheproducebags.“Thiswill

allkeepintherefrigerator.Comeon.Let’sgetcleanedupandgoout,okay?”

“Oh,likedressedup?Really?”

“Really,”Inod,happythatsuchasimplegestureseemstobeworking.“I’llgetthisallputaway.You

goonandgetdressed.Wecanleaveassoonasyou'reready.Iknowjustthespot.”

***

Shebounceslightlyonhertoesasshelooksaround,surveyingthecrowd.Herfingerstwistinthestrap

ofherlittlehandbagwhereitnudgesagainstherwaist.She'swearingalowcut,darkbluedressthat
flaresoverherhips,swirlingdowntoherknees.

Ijustloveherinskirts.Asshemovesunconsciously,somepartofmeknowsallIhavetodoisreach

underthereandfindthewarm,wetcenterofher.Shewouldletme,too.Everydayshehasbeenshowing
mejusthowcompliantshecanbe.Evenaswearestandinghereinfrontofthemaîtred'spodium,ifI
wantedtodragmyfingeracrossherglisteningslit,shewouldletme.

She'sverygoodlittlepet.

ButsomehowIrestrainmyself.Thehostessreturns,tuckingtwoleatherboundmenusagainstherwaist.

Sheglancesatmeandsmiles,thenflickshereyestowardLexi,sizingherup.Herjudgmentaleyebrow
quirkisgoneinaflash,butIsawit.

She'snottheonlyone.Sheasksustofollowher,andIfeeladozenpairsofeyesdrifttowardusoutof

curiosity.IhoverclosertoLexi,protectivelytakingherhandinmine.Shedrawsabreathandglancesup
atme,smiling.

“Willthisbeallright?”thehostessasksus,noticingourentwinedhands.ShegesturestowardtheC-

shapedbooth.Inotethatit'ssecludedandyetelevated,withasinglependantlampoverit.Everyonehere
willbeabletoseeusandwonderwhat'sgoingonunderneaththetablecloth.

“Yes,it'sperfect.”

Lexislidesinaheadofme,pushingherselfalongtheleatherseatsuntilshesettlesalongtheback.I

leaninnexttoher,arrangingmyselfsothatIcanslipmyarmaroundhershoulders.Threeorfourcouples
arestillstaringbrazenlyatus.Idropmyhandandstrokeherkneeunderthetablecloth,trailingmyfingers
alongthehemofherdress.

Shegapesatmeinsurprise.Iknewshewould,andIkneweveryoneelsewouldseeitandknow

exactlywhatIamdoing.

“But…everyoneislookingatus,”shewhispers,tryingnottomoveherlips.

“It'sbecauseI’mwiththemostbeautifulwomanintheroom.”

“Oh,Everett.You'resosweettome,”shepurrs.ShetipsherchinupandIkisshercheekbonegently,

nuzzlingherhairlinewithmynose.Sheopensherlipssweetlyforme,asacceptingasever.

Afterwesettleintoourseats,Isurveytheroom.Therearestillseveralpeopleglancingatusevery

fewseconds,leaningintotalktoeachother.Isshereallythatmuchyoungerthanme?Isupposesheis.

“Openyourlegs.”

“But…“shebegins,thoughIfeelherthighstwitch.She'sfightingtheurgetoobeyme,andthat'sa

goodthing.“Notinpublic,Everett.Right?Imean…everyonecanseeus?”

Thewaiterarriveswithahousewine,displayingittome.Inodabruptlyathim,notingsourlythatLexi

hassnappedherlegsclosedagain.Withhiseyesdown,hepoursustwoglassesofredwine.

“I'msorry,”shewhispersasshetapshernailsagainstthestemofglass.“IguessI'mjustnotas

adventurousasyouare.Thisisallsonewtome.”

Ilookather,tryingtounderstandwhatshemeans.Newtoher?Itakeherinagain,notingtheflawless,

smoothskin,theburstingripenessofhercurves.

“Whatdoesthatmean…newtoyou?”

Shelooksupatme,herbiggreeneyestakingmybreathawayyetagainasshepursesherlipstogether

shyly.“Well…Ihaven’treally…Imean—”

Cuppingherchin,Itipherfacetowardmesoshecan'tlookawayorevadethequestion.

“Lexiyou'renottellingmethatyounever…thatyouareavirgin?Youwereavirgin?”

“Oh,”shestarts.Hercheeksmistoverwithcrimson.“I'mnotsure?Imean…therewasonetimeIgot

close,buthesortoffinishedbeforewecould…”

“Isee,”Ihearmyselfsay.Myearsarerushingwithwhitenoise.Shecan’tbetellingmethis.

“Andtheotherday,inyourbathroom?DidIdothatright?”

Mythoughtsdriftbackoverthepastfewdays,takinginventory.ItoldherIwouldn'tbegentlewithher,

andIdefinitelyhaven'tbeen.ButwhathaveIdone?Thisprecious,delicatewoman,andI'vebeen
plowingherlikeshe'sanexperiencedbedmate.

Foramoment,Ifeelregret.IwishI'dknown.IwishI'd—

No.That'snottrue.

Regretisinstantlyreplacedwithsomethingelse.Possessiveness.Sheismine.

Iwanttocageherinmyarms.Iwanttogotoeachandeverytableinthisrestaurantwherepeoplethink

thattheycanjustlookatherwithoutmypermissionandkickthosemenoutofthechairs.

Whatishappeningtome?

ButIcan’thelpit.Shearousesinmeasenseofterritory,ofprotectivenessthatI'veneverknown

before.Iwoulddoanythingtokeephersafe.Anythingtokeepherwithme.AndnowthatIrealizethatshe
gaveherselftomesocompletely,sosweetly…

“Wasitallright?”

“Yes,baby,you’reabsolutelymagnificent,”Iwhispertoher,brushingherlipswithmylips.Iwantto

fuckherrightnow,pushherbackagainsttheleatherboothandimpalearoundme,justme.

Mine.

“WelcometoVenetta,”thewaitresssaysinabreathysoprano.IbrushakissacrossLexi'sforehead

beforereleasingher.Shesettlesintoherseat,self-consciouslysmoothingherskirtoverherthighs.

“Tonightourappetizerspecialis…”

Thewaitressgoesonandon,describingthesquashravioli,themusselswithlinguine,thecrusted

salmon.Itrytofocus,buteverythingLexihasjusttoldmeisanairhorn'sblareinmymind.Ifeelthe
responsibilitylandonmelikesomethingheavy.

Lexinodspolitelyasthewaitresstalks,andItraceherprofilewithmyeyes.Thesmoothbrow,the

straightnose.Thetenderoverbiteandpert,pointedchin.Herroundcheeks,herlongneck.

ThewomanI'veclaimed.

“Ican'twait,”shesaystomeaftershehasordered,hereyesbrightandhopeful.“Everythingsounds

wonderful.”

“Certainlydoes,”Iagree.“So,youseemtohavesettledintothe,um,job.Isthatfairtosay?”

Herfacebroadensintoasmile,brighteningmyheart.I'msogladtoseeherhappyreaction.

“Oh,yes!”shebubbles.“Winstonisawesome.Doyouknow,henotonlyhasallthestatesandcapitals

memorized,hehasallthestatesandcapitalsmemorizedallthewaydowntothetipofPanama?
Seriously.”

Ishrug,tryingnottoconveyjusthowmuchthispleasesme.“Hedoeshaveagiftformemorization.”

“Hedoes!”shenodsavidly.“WoulditbeokayifIstartedpianolessonswithhim?Ididn'twanttobe

toopresumptuousrightoffthebat,buthehasactuallybroughtituponhisownacoupleoftimes.Isn'tthat
funny?Justoutofthebluelikethat?”

Inodslowly.Ilovehowsheletsherenthusiasmoverwhelmhernaturalshyness.

“Thatisfunny,”Iagree.“Ifyou'dliketoworkwithhimonpianolessons,Ithinkthatwouldbe

wonderful.”

HerfingersdrumagainstherwinestemandIrealizethisissomethingthatshedoesallthetime.She's

alwaystappingthings,slidingherthumbsacrossthings,investigatingobjectsintheenvironmenttosee
whattheysoundlike.Musicmustreallybeinherblood.

“Andwhendoyouthinkyouwillbestartingschoolagain?”

Herlipspopopenandthenclose.Shetracksthewaitressasshebringsoursaladstothetable,thanking

herpolitely.

“Lexi?Isthereadeadlinecomingup?”Iask,hearinghowauthoritarianIsound.Shedoesn'tseemto

mind.

“Idon'tthinkIcan,Everett,”shefinallysighs,juttingherchinoutstubbornly.“Ineedsomemoretime

tofindawaytopayforit.IthinkI'dliketotaketheyearoff,maybeseeifIcangetmymother…well…”

“Isthatwhatyouarguedabout?Money?”Iprodhergently.

Shebreathesthroughhernose,hernostrilscavingslightly.There'sahardnessthere,adisappointment

she'stryingtosubmergeinsteadofdealingwithit.

“No,”shesays.

Iraisemyeyebrowsather,tiltingherawayandforcinghertolookatmeagain.“Don'tlietome,

Lexi,”IsayasgentlyasIcan.Still,shealmostlooksfrightened.Takenaback,certainly.

“Well,it'sjustthatIdon'tliketotalkaboutit.Butitwillbeallright.Ihaveatrustfund.Ihadatrust

fund.Ithoughtthatwouldpayformylastyear,butshe'srefusingtogiveittome.”

“Canshedothat?”

Shechucklescruelly,blowingherairoutthroughhercheeks.

“Canshedothat?Ithinkshe'sactuallydoingit.Ithinkshemayhavealreadyspentit.Imean,shesays

shedoesn'tthinkI'mreadyforit,but…well,sheneedsmoneytoliveonIguess.”

Ibitemytongue.WouldRhondareallydothat?NottheRhondaImettenyearsago.ButthisRhonda—

thishard,rigid,desperatewoman—shewould.

“DidshetellyouwhyIwenttovisither?”

“Well…”shebeginshesitantly.“It'snotmybusiness,Everett.Whateveryouandmymomhave—”

“—Ohno!”Ibarkout,startlingthetablenexttous.“Lexi,no.Absolutelynot.Icametoreturnyour

father'swatch.”

“Oh,really?Shedidn'ttellmethat.”

“Well,shedeclinedit,”Ishrug.“Thenitprobablyslippedhermind.Butnow…Ithinkyoushould

haveit.”

IwatchhereyesfollowingmyfingersasIunbuckletheleatherstrapandplacethewatchflatonthe

tableinfrontofher.Shetakesitwithtremblingfingers,rubbingtheleatherbetweenherfingertipsand
holdingituptoherearbriefly,smiling.

“Thismyfather'swatch?Whydoyouhaveit?”

“Becauseyourfatherwasterribleatpoker,”Ichuckle,remembering.“Oneday,throughnoskillofhis

own,hewonthisoffaBritishsoldiernamedDaniel.AndIhadtakenitoffhiminanothergameinabouta
week.”

“Ha!Sofunny!”shesmiles.

“IthoughtIshouldreturnittoyourmotherwhenImovedbackintothearea,”Icontinued.“Butshe

didn'tknowwhatitis.Shesaidshedidn'twantit.”

“SheprobablythoughtyouweregoingtogiveheradiamondBulovaorsomething….Butthankyou,

really.Imeanit.”

“Yeah,that'sthefunnypart.ThatfellowDanielwasthesonofGeorgeDaniel,thewatchmaker.That'sa

GeorgeDanielwatch.”

Sheblinksinnocently,waitingtohearmore.

“Heonlymadeafewdozenwatchesinhislifetime.Thisisoneofthem.It'sincrediblyrare,and

extremelyvaluable.”

Daintily,sheplacesitbackonthetabletopandsmoothstheclotharoundit.

“Whatdoes‘extremelyvaluable’mean?”

“Idon'tknow,precisely.It'shardtotellwiththesethings.Themostrecentoneatauctionwentfor

around$650,000,Ithink.”

Shegasps,pushingherselfbackfromthetableasthoughit'shot.

“Okay,Everett.Areyouplayingwithme?Areyoukiddingme?”

“Notkiddingatall.”

“Oh,Ican'ttakeit!”sheobjects.Shereachesoutandslidesitbacktowardme,wavingatitlikeit'sa

badomenorsomething.“Ican'thavethat.Imean,Iwouldlovemyfather'swatchbut…Ican’thave
somethinglikethat.”

Ipullherhandoffthetable,holdingitinmyown.GentlyIturnitoverandwrapthewatcharoundit,

bucklingitatthelasthole.Itisstilllooseonher,butitwon'tfalloff.

“Thisisyours,”Itellherfirmly.“Thisbelongsseeyou,andmaybefatemadesureitfounditsway

backtoyou.Don'tletotherpeopletakethingsthatbelongtoyou.Doyouunderstandme?”

Shenodsherheaduncertainly.

“Iaskedyouaquestion,”Iremindherfirmly.

“Yes,Everett,”sherepliesobediently.Itdoesn'thavethesamezingas‘yes,daddy,’butinpublicit's

probablymoreappropriate.

“Yousee?”Iaskherasthewaitressbringsourplatesandsetstheminfrontofus.“Everythinghasa

wayofworkingout,Lexi.Everythingisgoingtobeallright.”

Shepicksupherfork,thensetsitdownagain.Turningtome,shedrawsherlowerlipinbetweenher

teethandbites,leavingawetimprintthere.Withoutsayinganything,Ifeelherthighpressagainstmeas
sheopensherknees.

“Please?”shebreathes.

Iknowjustwhatsheneeds.Idragmyhandalongtheinsideofherthigh,separatingherlegsasIgo.

Thecrotchofherpantiesisalreadysoakedthrough.Iwanttoteaseherlonger,butIcan't.InsteadIslipmy
middlefingerunderthefabric,pushingittothesidesothatIcanslidealongherfurrow.She'swetand
openforme,unfurlinglikepetalsonaflower.

Shehalf-closeshereyesandleansbackslightly,pushingherpussyagainstme.Sheissowet,my

fingersslidewithoutfriction,thrummingagainstherclitinaquickstaccato.Sherollsherhipsincircles,
urgingmedeeper.

Slippingtwofingersinsideher,Icontinueagainstherclitwithmythumbuntilsheshudders,clamping

herthighsovermyhand.Shelockseyeswithme,bitingherlowerlipsohardIthinkshemightdraw

bloodasherpussyclaspsagainstmyfingers.Iholdherwholesexinmyhand,kneadingithardfor
severalsecondsuntilsheletsgoandreleasesahotgushthatsplashesinmypalm.

I’msurepeoplecouldseeherwrigglingslightly,ourbodiesmoreorlessfacingeachother.I’msure

they’reallwonderingbutIdon’tcare.Ijuststaywithheruntilherbreathingslows.

“Thankyou,”shewhisperssweetlyasIwithdrawmyhand.Iconsiderlickinghernectarfrommypalm

butinsteadjustblotitonmynapkin.Icanfeelothereyesonusanddon’twanttomakemoreofascene.

“Yes,Lexi,”Ianswerher.“Pleaseenjoyyourdinner.”

CHAPTER13-LEXI

Hiseyestrackovermeincessantly,watchingeverythingIdo.IpretendthatIdon'tnotice,butthetruth

isthatInoticeeverything.Thewayhewatchesmyfingertipsaroundthestemofmyglass,thewayhe
watchesmythroatwhenIswallow.IcanfeelhiseyesonmewhenIturnaway,asthoughheisguarding
myinteractionswitheveryoneelsearoundme.

Idon'tknowifI'veeverfeltthissafebefore.I'mnotsurehowIlivedwithoutit.

Aswefinishourdinner,somepartofmestillknowsthatotherpeopleintherestaurantarelookingat

usfromtimetotime,butIdon'tcareanymore.UnderhisprotectionI'mimmunefromwhateverdamage
theycoulddotome.

Ifoldmynapkinandplaceitbesidemyplate.Themusselsweredeliciousandsowasthewine.Ifeel

delightfullysatisfiedandwouldn'tmindjustcurlinguponhislaplikeakittenandgoingtosleep.

IfeelhimwatchmyhandasItuckthelinensquareunderthecurveofmyplate.Iletmyfingertips

lingerthereforamomentalmostasthoughposing.HemakesmewanttoperfecteverythingIdo.Before,I
letmyactionsbecareless,letmyselfbegraceless.ButnowthatI'msoconsciousofeverymovethatI
makeandthepleasurethatitseemstogivehim,Iwanteverythingperfectforhim.Really,it'stheleastI
cando.

SlowlyIturntohim,meetinghiseyeswithmyfaceraisedtowardhis,justthewayhelikes.Hisfingers

automaticallyreachuptobrushatendrilofhairbehindmyear.

“Didyouenjoyyourdinner?”

“Itwasdelicious,”Isigh,noddingandstiflingayawn.Ireallyamsleepy.

Asmirktwiststhecornerofhismouth.

“Wouldyouliketodance?”

Istifleagasp.WouldI?Really?

“Iwouldlovetodance,”Ianswerhonestly.

Heslidesfromthebooth,standingtallandbuttoningthetopbuttonofhisjacketashewaitsforme,

scanningtheroomwithascowl.Healsonoticeseveryonewatchingus,butit'slikehe'sdaringthemtosay
anything.Ican'timagineanyonewouldtakethatdaretogoupagainsthim.I'dhatetoseewhathelooks
likewhenhe'sangry.

Cuppingmyhandinhis,heleadsmetotheopenexpanseoffloorinfrontofthejazztrio.They're

playing“TheGirlFromIpanema”anddoingalovelyjobofit.Themusictricklesovermyskinlikewater
asEverettliftsmyhandtoshoulderlevelinhisandcaressesthesmallofmybackwithhisotherhand.

Smoothly,confidently,hepresseshisbodyagainstmineandguidesmearoundthedancefloor.Not

flashy,notdramatically,hejustconfidentlyurgesmetorespondtohiseverymotion.Icanfeelhiships
nudgingmeinagracefulH-shapedpatternaroundthefloor.

Histhumbstrokesthefurrowofmyspineaswedanceeffortlesslytogether,sogracefulandcompetent

it'slikewe'vedoneitathousandtimes.

Ismileanddropmyforeheadagainsthischest.Icanhearhisheartbeat,lowandsure,intermingling

withthesimple,primalsoundofthebaseline.

ThisiswhatIalwaysthoughtdancingwithamanwouldbelike.Notthatfrenzied,gyratingstuffyou

seeinaclub.NotthatawkwardFrankensteinlurchIrememberfromhighschooleither.Butthis:
remaininglimberandcompliantinthearmsofthemanwhoprotectsme,followinghiscapableleadasthe
musicenvelopsus.

Ifeelhimkissthetopofmyhairaswecontinueandnoticethatseveralothercoupleshavealsojoined

usonthedancefloor.Whenthesongends,weseparatebrieflytoclappolitelyandthenrejoinasthenext
songbegins.It’soneofmyfavorites:“TheVeryThoughtofYou,”whichIonlybarelykeepmyselffrom
humming.Ilovethesejazzstandards,theonesthatwereintendedforloverstodanceto.Suchalovely
customofcourtship.

Afterafewmoresongs,IcanfeelEverett’sfingerspressingmoreforcefullyagainstme.Notvery

much,justtheslightestextrabitofpressureandIknowthatheneedsme.He'sgoingtoaskifwecanleave
injustamoment.

“Darling,”hestarts,dippinghisheadsohecanwhisperrightinmyearandstrokemyneckwiththe

subtlestubbleonhischin.

Inodimmediately,sothatheknowsIunderstand.

“I'mjustgoingtopowdermynose,”Imurmur.

“I'llhavethevaletgetthecar,”hegrowls,hisvoicealreadythickeningwithdesire.“Pleasemeetme

infront?”

“Yes,Everett,”Ismileasweclapattheendofanothersong.

Icanfeelhiseyesonmeallthewayacrossthedancefloorandthroughthefewtablestowardtheback

hallway.Iknowhe'swatchingmetheentireway,shelteringmefromafar.

WhenIleavetheladies’roomstall,anotherwomanisstandingatthesink,applyingfreshlipstickover

heralreadyredlips.

HergazeslidesdiagonallytowardmeasIleanagainstthesinktowashmyhands.

“I'msogladyoustarteddancing,”shefinallysayswhenIturnthewateroff.“Idon'tthinkIever

would'vegottenmyRichardoutthereiftherewasn'talreadyanothercoupleonthefloor.”

“Yes,thatseemstobewhatittakessometimes,”Ismile.“Thebandisverygood,isn'tit?”

“Oh,absolutely,”sheagrees.“That'swhyIwantedtocomehere,butIthoughtRichardwasgoingto

makeusleavewithouteverhittingthedancefloor.Doyouandyourboyfriendcomehereoften?”

“My,um…no,thisisthefirsttime”Irush,notsurehowtoanswerher.

Shesmilestightly,thelipstickstillhoveringjustmillimetersfromherlips.Hereyesneverleavemein

themirrorasIbackaway,snappingmypurseclosed.

“Haveanicenight,”ImumbleasIopenthedoor.

“Youtoo,hon!”shecallsout,hervoicecutoffbytheclosingofthedoor.

EverettturnsaroundasIwalkquicklytowardthevaletstand,almostasthoughheheardmecoming.I

seeashadowofreliefflashacrosshisfeaturesasoureyesmeetandIcan'thelpbutfeelgoodaboutthat.
Itwillbenicetobebackinthesafetyofhispresence,enclosedintheBMW,headingbacktowardthe
dark,privatespacethatawaitsus.

CHAPTER14-EVERETT

Theplantmanager,Geraldo,scratcheshisforeheadunderneathhishardhataswestareattheshipping

containersstationedoutsidetheloadingdock.

“Ithoughtyousaidtherewereseven,”Ihearmyselfsay,myvoiceharderthanImeant.Geraldohas

beenastrongassetinputtingtheplanttogether,butthedelaysarestartingtomount.Thisplantshouldhave
beenlivetwoweeksago.

Geraldonodsthoughtfully.“Numbersevenwillbeherethisafternoon.Wecangoaheadandinstall

thesemachines.”

“Startingwhen?”

“Startingnow,”Geraldoshrugs.

Myphonebeginstobuzzinmypocket.Ihateinterruptionsbutmyhandautomaticallyslidesinto

retrieveit.

“Nowwillbefine.Earlierthisweekwouldhavebeenbetter,butnowwillbefine.”

IpivotasIthumbthephonetoconnectthecall,walkingawayfromGeraldowiththeknowledgethat

whatI'vejustsaidisgoingtobeobeyed.Itookachanceonhim,installinghimasplantmanager.I'm
certainhewillperformtomyspecifications.He'dbetter.

“Ihearyouhaveanewnanny?”comesavoicebeforethephonereachesmyear.

“Hello,Bianca,”Isayinaneventone.

“I'dliketomeether,”sheannounces.“HowaboutweallgettogetherfordinnerthisSaturday?”

Hertonesetsmeonedge.Asshe'swellaware,Idon'tappreciatebeingbarkedat.

“Isthatreallynecessary?Iwasplanningongoingoutoftownthisweekend.”

“Byyourself?”

Istarepointlesslyatametalshelvingarrayinthewarehouse,cursingeveryplastic-wrappedpallet.

Everyoneoftheseissupposedbemakingmemoneyrightnow,andtheyarenot.

“Letmegetbacktoyouonmeetingthenanny,”Imumbledistractedly.“WecantalkaboutitwhenIpick

WinstonuponSunday?

“I’mbusy.”

“ThenperhapswhenIbringhimbacktoyourhouseonFriday?”

“Willyoubebringingyournewgirlfriendtoo?”sheaskssweetly.

Iammid-stepwhenIpause,nearlystumbling.It’ssoobviousnow,howdidImissit?Thatacidtonein

hervoicemeansshe'sirritated,jealous.Idon'twanttoenjoythat,butIdo.

“We'redivorced,”Iremindherneedlessly.

Shesniffs.“I'mwellaware.”

“Sothenyou'realsowellawarethatanygirlfriendImighthaveornothaveisnoneofyourbusiness.

Especiallyconsidering…everythingthathappened.”

“MyonlyconcernisWinston'swell-being,”shehissesacrosstheairwaves.“Ifyouhavesomeone

aroundhim,Ihavearighttomeether,that'sall.”

Ishrug,eventhoughshecan'tseeme.“Bianca,I'mperfectlycapableoffindingacompanionwho

wouldmeetyourexactingstandardstobeinWinston'spresence.Now,Iappreciateyourcall,butifthatis
allyouwanted—”

“—andisthatthewomanthatyoubroughttoVenetta?”sheaskssuddenly.

Myjawtightens.I'mnotenjoyingthisconversation.Ourcommunicationshavebeentrivialandalmost

lighthearted.HertoneaggravatesmemorethanIcaretounderstand.

“WhereIgoisnoneofyourbusiness.”

“BecauseLindasaidshe'sachild,Everett,”shecontinues,undeterred.“Isthatcorrect?Areyou

dating…areyouseriouslyparadingachildinpublic?”

Oh,Linda,Ithinktomyselfwryly.IknewIsmelledsomethingreptilianattherestaurant.

Ihadn'tseenher,butshe'sasneakyone.Lindawasostensiblythecauseofmydivorce,convincing

BiancathatIhadaninappropriaterelationshipwithourlastnanny.Biancawassoconvincedthatshe
retaliatedinkindwiththenewbusinessmanageratherlawfirm.Sheallowedmetofindtheminourbed
together.He’sluckytobealive.

IunderstoodthatBiancawasunderamisconceptionbutofcourse,thatwasunforgivable.Nomatter

whatLindahadpoisonedherwith,shehadnorighttobetraymeinthatway.Iwillnotsufferbetrayal.

MybloodbeginstoboilasIimagineLindawhisperinginherearyetagain.DidshemeetLexi?Did

theyspeaktoeachother?Didshesimplystareatusfromsomecovertroostinsidetherestaurant,
constructingthenarrativethatwouldmostefficientlysetBiancaoff?

“Everett?Iaskedyouaquestion.”

“I'mundernoobligationtoansweryourquestions,”Igrowl,unabletokeeptheragefrombubblingto

thesurfaceofmyvoice.“SeeyouonFriday.”

CHAPTER15-LEXI

Everettsayslittleduringdinner,keepinghiseyesmostlydownandchewingtheporktenderloin

medallionsthatIprepared.Hesaidheenjoyedtheirflavorandhewaspolite,butthewayhe'salmost
hunchedoverhisplateremindsmeabitofWinston,whenheistryingtosufferthroughsome
disappointment.

Iamwearingaprettyyellowdressandthoughhesmiledatmebeforesittingdowntodinner,hesaid

almostnothingaboutit.Ihavetoadmit,Imightbealittlebitspoiledbynow.I'msousedtohimbeing
attentiveandcomplimentingmyoutfits,nottomentionsimplyfeastinghiseyesonmeeverychancethathe
gets.Hissilenceprobablywouldn'tstandoutsomuchonaregularman,butonEverettit'squite
noticeable.

AsIcleantheplatesaway,IwonderifIshouldperhapsgivehimsomespace.MaybeIshouldback

awayalittlebit,respecthisemotionallandscape.Hecan'tpossiblywanttospendeverydaywithme.
Perhapshewouldjustlikealittletimealone.

ButasI'mwipingdownthecounter,Idon'tthinkthat'sgoingtobepossible.Icanfeelmythighs

brushingagainsteachotherasImove.I’monfire,andIwaitedalldayforhim.Whilehe'sconcentrating
onhisemailsorsomething,gloweringathisphone,I'monlythinkingaboutgettinghishandsonme.

Okay,maybejustalittlebitofattention,Itellmyself.AndthenI'lllethimhaveallthespacehe

wants.HecanbeNeilArmstrong.HecanbeBuzzAldrinforallIcare.

Isaunterovertowherehe’ssitting,thumbingthestrapofmydressoffmyshoulderasIwalk.Ittakes

himamomenttoevennoticeme.Whenhelooksup,hisgazeisdistractedandstartled.Pickinghisfinger
upfromthephone,Iloopitundermystrapandguidehishandtoslipthefabricoffmyshoulder.

Itonlytakesamoment,andhisgazebeginstorefocusonme.Ifeelverypowerful,knowingthatIcan

rearrangehisattentionlikethis.

Tugginghishand,Ileadhimacrossthegreatroomandouttothepatio.Mydressslidesovermyhips

andfallstotheconcretetile.IglanceathimovermyshoulderasIstepoutofit,happytoseethatheis
transfixed.

WhenIstepintothebubblinghottub,Iturnaround,motioningtohimsilently.Hisexpressionisstill

inscrutable,stillhardaroundthejaw,butIcanfixthat.Hisbeltclangstothepatiotiles,followedbythe
softwhooshofhistrousersandthenshirt.Hewalksslowlyacrossthepatio,magnificentandnaked,
alreadyerectandglistening.

Assoonashestepsdownintothehottub,Isitastridehim,teasinghistipbyswayingmyhipsbackand

forthandbrushingmyselfacrosshim.Hebiteshislipstogether,breathingthroughflarednostrils.

“Justletmedoeverything,Daddy,”Itellhim,breathingintohisear.

Hisbreathhitchesinhisthroatandhisfingersdigagainstmyasscheeks.Buthedoesn'tsayanything,

justrelaxesagainstthebackofthewhirlpoolasIreachoverhim,holdingontotheledgeforleverage.

SlowlyIlowermyselfontohim,mynipplesbouncingalongthetopsofhispecs.I’menchantedbythe

soundofthewater,thecoolbandofsensationrightatthewaterlevel.Thehottubissowarmthatthere'sa
distinctdifferenceintemperaturesandIshudder,goosebumpsracingoverme.

Justthetipisnotenough.Iclaspathimwithmymuscles,holdingontojusttheendofhimasIrollmy

hips,pulsingmypelvisuntilIgetalittlebitmoreandalittlebitmore.

Hefillsmemagnificently,seemingtoexpandintoeverycrevice.AsIslowlydropontopofhim,Ihear

himsuckhisbreathin.InmomentsI'mwithdrawing,thenplungingback.Ilovethisfeelingofbeing
overtaken,invaded.

Hiseyesclose,finally.Ifeelhishipspulsebeneathmeashisfingersbegantodirectme,toguidemy

pussydeeperanddeeperuntilhe'shilteddidinsideofme,thrustingharderandharder.

Holdingontotheconcreteedgeofthehottub,Irockontopofhim,workinghiscockuntilIfeelthat

flexingthrobandIknowheiscoming.Hegroans,almostaferalgrowlatthebackofhisthroatashegrips
myass,archingintome,fillingmesointenselythatIalmostcan'tstandit.

Andafterhecomes,hisarmsencircleme,drawingmetohim.Ikisshisforeheadandcheekbonesuntil

hisbreathingslows.

“Therenow,isn'tthatbetter?”IaskhimasIdisengageandcuddleupnexttohim.

Hesighswithhiseyesstillclosed.“I'msorryifI'muncommunicativetonight.Longdayatwork,”he

explains.

“That'sallright,Everett,”Icoo,happyjusttolistentohimtalk.

“Andhowwasyourday?”heasksmethoughtfully.“Iseverythinggoingallright?”

“Everythingisperfect,”Itellhimhonestly.

Heshiftsawaysuddenly,rearranginghimselfinthewater.Icanfeelhisdiscomfortandsensethathe's

tryingtoworkupthenervetosaysomethingtome.

“Lexi,”hebegins,“didyouhappentohaveaconversationwithsomeonetheotherday?Aboutus?”

Myheartcatchesmythroat.“Conversation?”Irepeat.Icouldfeelthatthisisimportant,butIamata

losstounderstandwhatImighthavedonewrong.

“Yes,attherestaurant.Didyouhappentomeetsomeone?Awoman?Linda?”

“Well,therewassomeoneinthebathroom…aladyatthemirror?ButIdidn'tknowhernameor

anything.”

Henods,butI'mtotallyconfused.

“Didyoutellherthatyou’remygirlfriend?Ormynanny?”

“Ididn’ttellheranything,”Irespond,startingtogetalittlepeeved.“WhatdoyouthinkIshouldhave

toldher?”

Hescowlsatme.“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”

“Doyouhaveanansweryou'dlikemetogivepeople,iswhatI'masking.Nanny?Nanny/girlfriend?

Whichoneofthosewouldyoulikemetosay?”

Hepullsaway,crossinghisarmsoverhischest.“Iratheryoudidn'tsayanything.It'snobody's

business.”

“Well,whatifIjustwanttoknowformyowninformation?”Iinsist,pursuingthislineofquestioning

eventhoughIknowit'sprobablynotagoodidea.

Buthedoesn'tanswerme.AfterafewmomentsIsummonupasmuchdignityasIcanmusterandrise

fromthehottub,splashingquiteexuberantlyasIstepbackontothepatio.Thenightairstrikesmeasquite
coolandIshiverasIpickupmydressfromtheground.

“Lexi,”hecallsout.Iturnaroundtofacehim.

Hespreadshishandsapologeticallyandlooksatthem.“Iknowit'snotideal,”hestarts.“Butfornow,

untilthingsaresettled,Ijustthinkthatweshouldbediscreet.Willthatbeacceptabletoyou?”

Idon'tsayanything.Ijustturnaroundandwalkedbackintothehouse,nakedandwet,holdingmydress

inmyhand.Ifhe'sexpectingmetosayyessir,he'sgoingtohavetowait.

CHAPTER16-EVERETT

Shecan'tresistsmiling.Winstonshylyfollowsherupanddowntheaislesofelectronickeyboards,

tentativelyglancingatherashepresseshisfingersonthekeys.She'stenderbutfirmwithhim,a
combinationthatheautomaticallyrespondsto.Ashepracticessomeoftheirlessonsonthekeyboard,she
calmlycorrectsandthenpraiseshimattheend.

Thoughhesmilesautomaticallyatherpraise,Icanalsosensehereallyisimprovingquitequickly.

Perhapsit'sjusttherighttimeinhislife,orperhapsshe'sabrilliantteacher.Or,Isupposebothofthose
thingscouldbetrue.

ShefindsakeyboardandIthinkthatshelikes,becausesheglancesatme,hereyebrowsraised.Inod.

OfcourseItrustherjudgmentcompletely.

Shesmilestoherselfandgoesbacktoplayingthekeyboard,flippingaswitchtoengagethespeakers.

Thesoundisbeautiful,swellingincomplicatedpatterns.ThoughIamnotamusician,Icanverymuch
appreciatetheskillandpracticeshehasinvestedtobecomewhatsheis.

Winstonwandersoffdownanotheraisle,attractedbythecomplicatedarrayofdrumheads.Itakemy

chanceandstrideupbehindher,brushingdiscreetlyagainsthershoulder.Thoughshedoesn'tlookup,I
canseeablushcreepinguphernecktothebacksofherears.Iloveitthatherbodyissoresponsiveto
me.Notjusthermind,butherflesh.IttriggerssomethingdeepwithinmetoknowthatthewomanI've
claimedreciprocatesmyfeelings.

“Soyouhavecometoadecisionthen?”Iaskher,thoughIknowtheanswer.

Shesnapsthespeakerbackoff.Herfingerstrailoverthekeys,andallIcanhearisthepercussivethud

ofeachwhiteshapeasshereleasesit.

“Yes,thisismuchmoresuitedforhisadvancingskilllevel.Counter-weightedkeys,youknow.”

Inodthoughtfully,assumingthatsheknowswhatthatmeansbecauseIdonot.

Outofhabit,IlookforWinston.Thoughhe'snotasmallchild,Istillliketoknowwhereheis.Idon't

immediatelyseehim,butIhear…something.

Ileanback,swivelingmyheadleftandright,lookingdowntheaislebothways.InamomentIhearhis

voiceandknowthatheisapproaching,butthere'ssomethingelse.

“Everett,”comesavoice.

MybloodchillsasBiancawalksintotheaisle,holdingWinston'shand.Lexiautomaticallyturnswhere

shesitsonthepianobench,meetingBianca’scold,laser-focusedgaze.

Winstonishere,soIsmile...Ithink.

“Mom’shere,”Winstonannouncesinnocently.

IfeelLexiflinchwheresits.Iwanttostepinfrontofher,toshieldherfromthelookBiancaisgiving

her.

“Well,thisisasurprise,”Isay.“Bianca,Ididn'trealizeyouareamusician.”

Shetipsherheadtotheside,notevenlookingatme.She'sstaringLexiupanddown,slidinghereyes

backandforthtomakeapoint.Tohercredit,LexidoesnothingbutreturnBianca'sicystare.Sheshows
noemotionforWinston’ssake.

“Oh,Iwasjustintheneighborhood,”Biancasighscasually.“Justlookingforafewthings…you

know.Winstonmentionedhewastakingpianolessons,andIthoughtitmightbenicetohaveakeyboardat
thehouse.IsthisLexi?”

“Itis,”Ianswer.

Lexistands,extendingahandtoshakeBianca's.

“It'sverynicetomeetyou,”Leximurmurs.

Biancasmilesbrilliantly.“Isn'tit?Winston’sjusttoldmeallaboutyou.Haven'tyou,sweetie?And

you'rejustashedescribedyou,too!I'msureyoumustgetalongsowell,consideringhowcloseyouarein
ageandall.”

Istepforward,anglingmybodybetweenthem.“Allright,that'senough.Bianca,canIhaveaword

withyou?”

Sheblinksatme,feigningsurprise.“Why,ofcourse,Everett.Winston,justgositwithyournanny,

won'tyou?”

Lexiholdsahandoutforhim,smilingpleasantlyasIsteptoanotheraisleoutofhearingdistance.

WhenIturnaround,Biancaisalreadyglaringatme,herfeetplanted,herelbowsjuttingoutasthough
readytoengageincombat.

“SoIseeit'strue,”shehisses.“Lookatyou!It'soutrageous!”

“Bianca,”Istartinacalmvoice,hopingshewon'tstartyelling,“Idon'tknowwhatyou'retalking

about.”

Hereyesflashdangerously.“Youdon'tknowwhatI'mtalkingabout?Areyoukiddingme?I'mtalking

aboutthatinfantyou’reparadingaroundlikeshe'syourgirlfriendorsomething!”

Idon'tknowwhattosayaboutthat,soIdon'tsayanything.“Bianca,saywhatyoumust.I'daskthatyou

keepyourvoicedown,ifyoucan.”

“Doyouunderstandwhatkindofexampleyou’resettingforourson?”shesnarls.“Justcarryingon

withsomeonehalfyouragelikethis?It'sdisgusting,Everett.It'spathetic!”

Ijustshrug.“It'sactuallynoneofyourbusiness.”

“Really!”shesays,hervoicealarminglyloud.“Noneofmybusiness?Everythingthathappensto

Winstonismybusiness,Everett.Everything.”

Isigh,takingmytime.IfIwalkaway,she'llerupt.IfIdon'twalkaway,she’llcontinue.Ican'tmakea

decisionwhichoneofthoseisworse.ButIwantthisconversationtoend.Thelongeritgoeson,themore
likelyitisthatWinstonwillhearher.

“You'reright,”Ibegin,thinkingthatthisisprobablytheonlywaytostartasentencethatshewill

accept.“Butmypersonallifeisstilljustthat:personal.Andasyoucansee,Lexiisaperfectlyacceptable
influenceoverWinston.He'smaderemarkableprogresswithherinaveryshorttime.Ithinkyou'llbe
veryimpressed.”

Sheknucklesherhips,shiftingherweighttoonesideandsmilingtriumphantly.“OhI'msureyou've

doneanexcellentjob,”shenods,hereyesglintingcruelly.“I'llmakesurehisnewteachersareawareof
theprogressthatyou'vemade.”

Ishakemyhead.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“OhdidIforgettotellyou?We’removing.SamuelgotthetransfertoColorado.Wehavetorelocate

bytheendofthemonth.”

Everythinggetsveryquiet.Icanhearonlythesoundofmyownbreathpumpinginandoutofmylungs.

“ButweagreedthatWinstonshouldberaisedbybothofus,”Iremindherinacareful,slowvoice.

Sheshrugsoneshoulder.“Well,youcanalwaysmovetoColorado.ButI'msureyourememberthatthe

courtordergivesmeprimarycustody,so…Iguessthat'sthat.”

Asshewalksaway,Icommandmyselftotakedeep,calmingbreaths.Idon'twantWinstontobeaware

ofhowshehasunnervedme,swoopinginanddeliveringthisunbelievablenews.Obviously,sheeither
followedusorcontactedWinstonforourlocation.Iamshockedthatshewouldbesobrazen.

Therestofthemusicstoreexperiencegoesbyinablur.Iengageinthetransactionmechanically,

buyingthekeyboardandhavingitloadedintothecarwhilemymindbuzzeswithquestions.Isshereally
doingthis?Isthisretaliation?CanImovetoColorado?Idohavesomebusinessintereststhere,butit
wouldnotbeasimplethingtoaccomplish.

LexiisquietandreservedontheridehomewhileWinstoncontinuestochatexcitedlyabouthisnew

acquisition.ItgivesmecomfortthatI'vegivenhimsomethinghe'shappyabout.

AllnightI'mdistractedandonedge.NormallyarrangingWinston'sroomtoaccommodatethekeyboard

wouldgivemeacertainamountofsatisfaction,butIcan'tseemtocalmdown.AfterWinstonretiresfor
theeveningIheadtothelibraryandpourmyselfascotch,sittingbehindmydeskinthedarkandlooking
throughthewindowatthegreatroom.

Ilikethishouse.Idon'twanttoleaveit.Butifthat'swhatIneedtodotostayclosetomyson,of

courseI'lldoit.

Lexi'sfigureisinshadowasshewalksacrossthegreatroom.Sheknockspolitelyatthelibrarydoor

beforeopeningit.Silentlyshestandsthereforamoment,silhouettedbythesinglelightthat'soninthe
kitchen.

“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”sheaskstimidly.Irealizeshe'sbeingthoughtful,butitonlyseemsto

makethismoreuncomfortable.

“Lexi,”Ibegin,clearingmythroat,“doyouthinkthatit'stimeforyoutobeginschoolagain?”

Shedoesn'tsayanythingforamoment,butwalksovertoachairandsitsinit.Whenshecrossesher

legs,herskirtslidestothesideandIavertmyeyes.Ineedtofocus.

“Whyareyouaskingmethat?”

Thoughitisafairquestion,Idon'twanttoanswerit.Idon'twanttothinkaboutmyselfrightnow.I

alreadyhaveamission,andthatistoco-parentWinston,evenifhismothermakesitunfairlychallenging.

“Atthispointintime,alltheobstaclestoschoolhavebeenremovedforyou,haven'tthey?”

“Well,yes,but…”

Inod,steeplingmyfingersandperchingthemundermychin.

“Youhavethewatch,”Iremindher.“Doyouneedhelptosellit?”

Sheshakesherheadbutsaysnothing.

“It'salreadythemiddleofAugust.Iimagineclassesarestartingsoon,aren'tthey?”

Still,silence.Beforeshecameintheroom,Ihadthisallplannedout.Itseemedsorationaltosimply

remindherthatshe'sacollegestudent.Thatthere'snoreasonforhertodelayhertuition.That,obviously,
herlifeshouldproceedunimpedednow.

ButasIpreparetosaythewords,somethingtearsatmyheart.Bianca'sincredulousstarereflectedto

measortofridiculousversionofmyself.Twiceherage?Yes,Iam.AndevenLeximentionedit:
nanny/girlfriend.IsthatreallyhowIwanttobeperceived?Leastofall,bymyson?

No,leastofall...bymyself?

Andforamoment,itwaseasytotrivializethis.Butnowthatshe'shereintheroomwithmeIfind

myselflisteningforchangesinherbreathing.I'msoawareofher,sophysicallyattunedtoher,thatthe
thoughtofaskinghertoleavebreaksmyheart.

I'maccustomedtoseeingher.Ilookforwardtohavingdinnerwithher.Iimaginewhatshe'llbe

wearing,howshe'llgreetme,thesmallconsiderationsthatsheaffordsmetoletmeknowshewas
thinkingaboutmetoo.AndIimagine…afuture.Agoodone.IcanfeelitcrumblingtodustasIconsider
whatI'veconvincedmyselfIneedtosaynext.

ButIdon'tsayanything.Shesimplystandsandwalksoutoftheroom,slowlycrossingthekitchen

beforesheflipsoffthelightandplungesthespaceintodarkness.

Iwanttohowlindespair.

CHAPTER17-LEXI

Phoebeflingsopenthedoorwhenshehearsmyfootstepsontheporch,rushingoutandtacklingme

withabig,enthusiastichug.

“Fuckthatguy!”shemutterssympatheticallyinmyearasshecrushesmetoheramplebosom.

Ishufflebehindherintothehouseanddropmyovernightbagnexttothesofa.

“No,it'snothisfault…it'shisex-wife,”Itellher,tryingtobefair.Shepointstothesofacushionsand

Isitobediently,thensheflopsdownnexttomeanddragsacrochetedafghanoverbothofourlegs.
There'salreadypeachflavoredwineonthecoffeetableintwofrostedmugs.

“Ishould'veseenitcoming,”Iadmit.“WhenIaskedhimaboutbeinghisgirlfriendorwhatever…he

didn'tanswerme.Ishould'veseenitrightthen.”

“No,seriously,fuckthatguy,”shesnarlsassheshovesthemugintomyhand.IhavenoideaifIcan

actuallydrinkthismuchwine.

“It'sjust…Idon'tknow,”Ifinallysay.Ireallydon'tknow.Ican'tevenbegintowrapmyheadaround

whatI'mfeelingrightnow.Itjustseemssounreal.

“Lexi,listentome,”shebossesme.“Youdidn'tdoanythingwrong.Anygrown-assmanknowsifhe's

fuckingsomebody,eventuallythey'regoingtoask,youknow,whatdoesthisallmean.That'snotoutof
line.Thefactthathecouldn'tansweryou,though…that'smessedup.Youwererighttoleave.”

Istareintothepastelsurfaceofthewine,wrinklingmynose.ItsmellslikeKool-Aidandgin.

“Ionlyleftbecausehewasabouttotellmetoleave.It'snotlikeitwasmyidea.”

“Allright,fine,thenthat'sthat.Andhe'sright,youdohaveenoughmoneyforcollegenow,yes?No

needtothumbwrestleRhondaforthemoneyshe'sprobablyalreadyspentonyourbehalf?”

Ishrug.“YeahIguessso.”

“Thenthisisavictory!”sheannounces.“Youtappedintoyourinnerslut,yougotyourtuition,andyou

basicallygotyourtrustfund.Onwardandupward,Lexi.”

Inod,becauseifIdon'tshe'sjustgoingtokeepberatingmeuntilIagreewithher.Buttruthfully,Idon't

feelvictorious.IfeellikeI'mstandingoveranunmitigateddefeat.

Wesathereforalittlewhile,sippingatthemugs.Isitgoingtomakemefeelbetter?I'mnotsure,but

it'sworthatry.Afterawhile,Phoebejustdropsherheadonmyshoulder.It'snicetofeelherweight.

She’llletmestayforafewdays,andthenI'llneedtogo.Itlookslikeschooliscoincidentallymyonly

realoption.Latedecisiontuitionisdueinafewdays.Icanjustmakeit.It’snotlikeIhaveanythingelse
todo.

Whilesheisanexcellentfriend,someonewho'sneverletmedown,Ican'tstayinherhouse.Ican't

invadeherspacelikethis.Sittinginherlivingroomandlookingatallthetoys,allthefamilypictures,all

theaccumulatedmessofahappyfamilylifemakesmefeelabsolutelywretched.

“Therewillbeotherguys,Lexi.Ipromise.”

Inod,unconvinced.DoIneedtoremindherthattherehavealreadybeenotherguys?Thatthiswasthe

onlymanwhoevermademefeelmuchofanythingatall?Mademefeel…everythingIhadever
imagined,ifI'mhonest.

Andmore.

“Collegeguys,”shecontinues,hervoicedroppingtoasultrygrowl.“Boyswithadvanceddegrees.

Oh,wait,youlikethemolder.Professors!Whoo,baby,andIbetyou’rethephilosophyprofessortype,
right?Someopinionateddouchebagwithagoateeandelbowpatchesonhisblazer?”

“OhGod,”Irollmyeyes.“Pleasedon'ttrytomarrymeoffjustyet.Especiallynottosomepothead

professorwithage-inappropriatefacialhair.”

“Oh,right,pot…it'slegalinColoradoisinit?”

“Yup,sureis.Thewholecampussmellslikeafrathouse.Butthen,everybody'sprettychill,sothat's

good.”

Imakeaface,remembering.I'mnotjudgmentalaboutit,butIdon'tenjoyit.I'mgladalotofmy

classmateshaveswitchedtoedibles,becausethesmellcanbeprettyintense.Thispartwasnotinthe
brochurewhenIwasmakingmyapplications.ButsinceNevadacollegesofferedmenoscholarships,
ColoradowastheclosestcampusIcouldafford.Ofcoursenow,Icangoprettymuchanywhere.

Ileanforward,settingthemugbackdownonthetable.

“Youdon'tlikemywine?”shesighs.“Ithinkthisonceprettygood.It'scalled‘perfectpeach.’”

“Yeah,IguessIjustdon'tfeellikedrinking.Mystomach’sbeenweirdlately.”

“Hm,”Phoebesighs.Thenshesuddenlysitsup.Shelooksmeoverfromtoptobottom,squinting.

Sheraisesoneeyebrowatme.“Weirdhow?”

Ipushtheafghanoffmylegs.“It'shotinhere.Areyouhot?Hey,whatareyoudoing?”

Sheleansforward,pullingonmytanktopandstaringdownmyshirt.Iswatherhandaway.

“Seriously,Phoebe,youwanttofeelmeup?”

Shepointsatmeaccusingly.“Yournipplesaredark.”

“Excuseme?”Iretort,crossingmyarmsinfrontofme.“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?”

“Yourstomachfeelsweird?Yournipplesaredark?Yourfrecklesare,like,frikkininsanerightnow?

Youdidn’tnotice?”

Ishakemyhead.“Seriously,Ihavenoideawhatyou'retalkingabout.”

“You'repregnant,Lexi,”sheannounces,pressingherlipsandwigglingherheadinasuperiorfashion.

“Psssht.Impossible.I'vebeenonthepillforalmostnineyears.”

“Whichhasa99%effectiveness,right?Sooneoutofahundredtimes…”

Ipause,startingtowonder…Yeah,okay,thingssmellweird.Thingstasteweird.AndI'vebeenhorny

like...

OhmyGod.

“No,that'simpossible!Thatjustcan’thappen!”

“Oneoutofahundredtimes,”shesaysagain.“That'smath.AndIdidn'tevengotocollege.”

MymouthjusthangsopenasIstareather.I’mtryingtoprocessthis.Pregnant?Asin,havingababy?

Asin,havingEverett'sbaby?

“Phoebe,whatamIgoingtodo?”

Shepullsmebythehand,wrappingherarmsaroundmeandstuffingmyfaceagainstherbosomagain.

Eventhoughshe'stryingtosuffocateme,it'sstillprettycomforting.

“Babygirl,you'regoingtogotocollege.Andifthefateswantit,youcanhaveababy.Andeverything

isgonnabefine.Yougonnatellhim?”

“Well,yes?Imean,it'snotlikeIcouldkeepitasecretfromhim…thatwouldn'tberight.But,Idon't

wanttoseemlikeI'maskinghimforanything,ormanipulatinghim,orwhatever.Imean…Idon'tknow
—”

“Iknow,babygirl,”shecroons,strokingmyhair.Iswear,Icouldfallasleeprighthere.Thatissome

mysticalmommymagic.

“Everythingisgonnabeallright,”shesighsagain.Andasshe'sholdingme,shestartstorockmeback

andforthalittlebitandIjustlether.

Everythinghappensforareason,Isuppose.

CHAPTER18-EVERETT

“Whereisshe?”

Thewomanpursesherlips,perchingonefistonherhipandpushingalittlegirlbehindherperfect

protectively.

“Where'swho?”sheshrugs,raisinghereyebrows.

“Comeon.You’rePhoebe,right?You’reherbestfriend.You’reheremergencycontact,anyway.You

mustknowwheresheis.”

“Well,isthisanemergency?”

“Youcouldsaythat,”Ianswerherplainly.

Ijuststandhere,lettingherstaremedown.I'vemadeahugemistake.AdmittingittoPhoebeisonly

steponeofwhatIneedtodo.

Thepastweekhasbeenabsolutemiseryforme.Ididn'tthinkthatshewasgoingtosimplyleavelike

that,butthen,didIreallythink?Ihadawholespeechpreparedabouthowweweren'tagoodfitforeach
other,ourrelationshipwasinappropriate…Shejustbeatmetothepunch.Sheactedwithfarmoredignity
thanI.

Andassoonassheleft,it'sliketheairwentoutoftheroom.Winstonwentbacktohismother'shouse

thenextday,onlyvaguelyawarethatsomethinghadgoneterriblywrong,andIdissolvedintowhitepanic.
Idon'tknowhow,andIdon'tknowwhy,butshebecameapartofme.

Afteracoupleofminutes,Phoebebeginstoleanbackintothehouselikeshe'sgoingtoclosethedoor

onme.

“Phoebe,wait,”Iaskher,thetoneofbegginguncomfortablebutclearinmyvoice.“I'msorry.Iknow

howthismustlooktoyou—”

“—doyou?Doyoureally?”

“Well,I…”

Shepointsalacqueredfingernailatme,itspurpletipglintinginthelight.“Youdon'tknowhowthis

lookstome,Everett.Ordoyou?Becauseitlookstomelikeyouplayedmybestfriend.Isthathowit
lookstoyoutoo?”

“No,Iwouldnever—”

“Ohthenyoudon'tknowhowitlooks,isthatright?”

“Well,ImeanIjustthought—”

“Youthought?Youactuallyusedyourbraintothinkthisthrough?”

Istop.Obviously,Iamoutmatched.ThereisnowaythatI'mgoingtoarguewiththiswoman,andI

don'tevenwantto.Idon'tevenknowwhyI'mstartingtoraisemyvoice.

MyheartispoundinginmyearsasItrytofigureoutwhattosay.“Listen,Ireallyamsorry.I'vemadea

mistake.Ineedher.”

Shesucksherteeth.“Yeah,well,itdoesn'tseemlikeLexineedsyou.”

“Ifyou'lljustletmein,”Iventure.

“She'snothere.”

Irockbackonmyheels.That'snotwhatIwasexpecting.

Sheraiseshereyebrowssarcastically.“Oh,thisisasurprisetoyou?Somethingyoudidn'tknow?”

Ijustshakemyheaddumbly.Fine.Shewins.Everybodywins.

“Foryourinformation,shewentbacktoschool.She'sgotalifenow.Ifshewantstotalktoyou…”

“Whichschool?”

Sherunshertongueoverherupperteeth,obviouslyconsideringwhetherornottotellme.Asshe

grappleswiththisdecision,Itrynottomoveorgiveanyindicationthatsheshouldhesitateanymorethan
strictlynecessary.

Finally,herlipscurveinasourfrown.It'sasthoughtellingmeactuallyputsabadtasteinhermouth.

“ColoradoState,”shefinallymumbles,soquietlyIhavetoleanin.

I'mshocked.Iletitsinkinforasecond.“ColoradoState?Doyouhaveanaddressforher?She'snot

answeringherphone…”

“Aren’tyousupposedtobeaMarineorsomething?Figureitout,Einstein.”

Andthedoorswingsclosed.Notquiteslamming,butquitedefinitivelyclosed.

CHAPTER19-LEXI

Wrinklingmynose,Istabacouplemorechunksofsalmonontomyfork.Imean,it'sgood,it'sjust

weird.IlovethelemonbuttersaucethatIputtogetherwiththefewdriedherbsthatIpickedupatthe
grocerystore,butstill.There'ssomethingaboutthispinkcolorthatisjustnotworkingwithmybrain.

ButIforcemyselftoeatitanyway.Ineedtheprotein,andIknowIcangofrombeingfulltofamished

againatthedropofahat.It'scraziness.Idon'tknowwhatmybodyisdoinghalfthetime.It’slikeI've
beenhijacked.

Also,it'salotoffun.

Oncedinnerisdone,Irinsetheplateandloaditrightintothedishwasherinmysmallefficiency

kitchen.It'sanicelittleapartment,andnottooexpensive.Icanwalktoclasseasilyandtheelevator
makesmovingthingsacinch.

Sittingbackdown,Istareatmyemailclientagain.Ihavetowritethisletter.IknowIdo.I'mjustnot

surewhattosay.

DearEverett…

DearestEverett…

Hi,rememberme?Iknowit'sonlybeenaweek,but…

Phoebewouldnotapprove.I'mbeingawimp.Buthowdoyoubalancebetweensayingheyyouhavea

righttoknowthisandmyheartisbreakingbecauseImissyousomuchandpleasedon'tthinkI'm
askingyouforanything.It'sadelicatematter.

Istartagain.

DearEverett,

Ihopethisnotefindsyouwell.HowisWinstondoing?Hashebeenabletocontinuehisinterestin

theRoland?Imisshimalready…

Istop.ImissWinston?Well,yesIdo,butthatseemsalittlebesidethepoint.

There’saknockatthedoor.Isnapthelaptopclosedandshuffleovertoit,hopingthere’samagicpizza

thereorsomething.That,Icouldreallygofor.

“Lexi,”hesighsasIopenthedoor,andmyheartstops.

Istandtherefrozen,juststaringupintohisface.IttakeseverythingI'vegotnottofallintohisarms.I'm

fightingagainsttheurgetowrapmyselfaroundhim,butthenIremember,we’renottogetheranymore.
We'renot,soIhavetostopit.

Buthe'ssobeautiful,Ijusttakeamomenttodrinkhimin.Thewaythestreetlightispositionedbehind

hisheadthereispracticallyahaloaroundhiminthecoldnightair.Thoughit'sonlytheendofAugust,

nightsgetchillyquicklyatthismountainelevation.He'swearingalongsleeve,button-downshirttucked
intocharcoalgraytrousers.Helookssosolidandformal.

Justhavinghimhereisarelief,andIrealizethere'sbeenanEverett-shapedholenexttomealllast

week.NomatterwhereIwent,Icouldfeelthevoid.

“You'reblushing,”hemurmurs.

“I'mnot,”Isniff,tryingtobealoof.Ibackupandgesturethathecancomeinside,tryingtokeepmy

eyesonthefloor.MaybeifIdon'tlookathim,myheartwillreturntoanormalrhythm?Willthatwork?

“Thankyou,”hesayspolitelyasheentersmymodestlivingroom,lookingaround.“Thisisnice.”

“Wouldyouliketositdown?CanIgetyousomethingtodrink?”

“Yesthankyou.Imeanno,nothingtodrink,thankyou.”

There'sacertainawkwardnessinthewayhe'stalking,I'msurprisedtohear.I’mnotsureifI’veever

seenhimquitesonervous.Curious,Ifollowhimtothesofaandtaketheseatontheotherend,foldingmy
ankleunderneathmyoppositethigh.I'msortofhappytoseethatIamnotwearingaskirt.Sothere.

“Sothisisasurprise,”Iadmit,notquitesurewhatelsetosay.

Henods.“I'msureitis.”

Hisgazesweepstheroomlikeasearchlight,andIknowhe'stakinginallthelittledetails.Thestackof

books.Thethriftstorecoffeetable.Thepatternedrug.

“SowhatbringsyoutoColorado?”Iask.

“Actually,Iliveherenow.Or,Iwill.Nextweek.We’removing,Imean.”

Hisvoiceisunnaturallystiltedandabrupt.Butstill,themessagegetsthrough.

“You'removing?"

Asmilecurlsonecornerofhismouth.“Yes,isn'titironic?ImaginemysurprisewhenPhoebetoldme

youwerealreadyhere.”

Ah,Phoebe.Ihavetoremembertothankher.

“Whyareyoumovinghere?”

Ican'thelpit,I'mcurious.Somestupidpartofmehopeshe'shereforme,butIknowthatcan'tbethe

reason.Afterall,hewasabouttopushmeaway,wasn'the?JustbecauseIhappenedtowalkoutfirst
doesn'tchangethatfact.

“Well,youprobablyrememberourencounterwithBianca…”

“HowcouldIforget?”

Hetakesadeepbreath,releasingitinarushthroughflarednostrils.FinallyhelooksupatmeandI

almostwanttoshiver.It'sstillthere.Theconnectionbetweenusissoelectricitpracticallypulseswith
light.IhopehesayswhateveritisheneedstosayandthengetsoutherefastbeforeIdosomethingstupid.

“Well,whenwespoke,sheinformedmethatshewasmovingtoColorado,withWinston.Soofcourse,

Ihadtofollowherhere.”

“You'refollowingBianca.”

“No,I'mfollowingWinston,”hecorrectsme.

Butstill,I'mannoyed.

“WellI'msureyouwillloveithere,”Ianswerbrightly.“It'sabeautifulplace.”

“Yes,itis…andyouarealreadyhere.Isn’tthat…something?”

Hiseyessearchmine,butItrytohardenmyself.Ireallydon'tknowwhathewants.

“Thisismyuniversity,”Ianswer,thoughthat'splainlyobvious.“Andthanksagain,forthewatch.You

areright,it'sdefinitelygoingtomakethingseasierforme.”

“I'msogladtohearthat,”henods.

ThisisthepointwhereIshouldtellhim.There'sapauseintheconversationandIcouldjustgoahead

andblurtitout.Havingyourbaby!Isn'tthatgreat?Okay,seeya!

Butheleansforward,slidinghishandalongthesofa.Ijuststareatitasitadvances,wonderingwhat

heexpectsmetodo.

“Lexi,Ineedtotalktoyou.”

Iswallowhard.

“Okay,I'mjustgoingtosayit.Lexi,Idon'tknowwhatI'vedone.Ididn'tmeanforyoutoleave.Ididn't

wantyoutoleave.”

Iraiseaneyebrowathim.Ithinkwebothknowthat'snotpreciselytrue.

Andhesmiles.“Oh,lookatyou.Youknowmetoowell,”hesighs.“Youseethat?Youunderstandme.

It’ssuchastrangething,tobeunderstood.It'srefreshing,actually.”

“I'mnotsureIreallydounderstandyou,Everett.”

Hishandslidesfurther,brushingtheoutsideofmyflowypinkpajamapants.Eventhroughthefabric,I

feelthatspark.

“Butyoudo,Lexi.AndIknowthatnow.Iwas…ajerk.”

Iraisemyeyebrowsathim.“Ajerk?”

Henodsseriously.“Absolutely.Canyouthinkofabetterword?”

“Atwerp?”Ioffer.“No…that’snottherightword.Howaboutacoward?”

Heflinches,obviouslypained.“Oh,perhapsyes.”

AndI'msorryIsaidthat.Helookslegitimatelysad.Legitimatelysorry.Idon'tknowifI'veeverseen

himsoopenwithhisemotions.Iwanttotouchhim.Very,verybadly.

“Lexi,”hestartsagain,“Iwaswrong.That'sthesumofit.Iwasjustwrong.Iwas…perhaps

frightened.Perhapsacoward,nowthatyoumentionit.But,Lexi,youhavetounderstand…I'veneverfelt
anythinglikethisbefore.”

Ishifttowardhim,unabletostopmyself.He'slikegravity,andI'mfallingintohim.

“Neverfeltanythinglikewhatbefore?”Iaskinasmallvoice.

“Neverfeltanythinglike…Lexi,I'minlovewithyou.”

Ihearmyselfgasp.Shiversrundownmyarmsandmypelvistwangslikeasnappedrubberband.

“What?”Isay.

Hesmirks.“You'dlikemetosayitagain?”

Inod.Hellyes,Iwanthimtosayitagain.

Heslidesclosertomeonthecouch.Iholdmybreathashisarmsencircleme,butIcan'tlookaway

fromhisface.Iwanttoknow,isthistrue?I’llknowwhenhesaysitagain.

Isearchhiseyes,lettingmygazedrinkinthedetailsofhim:thestraightnose,thesquareawb.The

seriousknottingofhiseyebrows.Thebeautifulsweepofhishairline.Thismanlovesme?

“Lexi,I'minlovewithyou.I'veknownitperhapssincethefirstdayyoucametomyhome.I'venever

beensooverwhelmedwithfeelingsbefore,andI'veactedpoorlybecauseofit.”

Idon'tsayanything.IpushhischestwiththeheelsofmyhandssothatIdon'tfallagainsthimby

mistake.Iwanttolisten.I'msohungryforthesewords,they’relikefoodtome.

“Whenyouleft,Ididn'tknowwhattodo.Itriedtojustletyoube,butIcan't.Imean,Icouldn't…Ihad

totellyou.AndIunderstandcompletelyifyoudon'tfeelthesameway,butIhadtotellyou.I'mlost
withoutyou.Idon'tknowhowithappenedsoquickly,butIam.Ijustneedyoutoknowthat.”

Inodslowly.

“Everett,there'ssomethingIalsoneedtotellyou,”Ibegin.

Helooksaway,squintinghiseyesclosed.“Okay,Iunderstand,”herushes.“You'reayoungwoman,

youhaveawholelifeaheadofyou.Icompletelyunderstand.Ijustneededtotellyouthat—”

“—I'mpregnant.”

Hesitsupstraight,pullingback.Hiseyesscourmysilhouetteasthoughlookingforsigns.Thoughthe

cluesarethere,they'reverysubtle.Hishandslidestentativelyovermybelly,andIshudderaschillsrace
overme.

BeforeIknowit,hismouthisonmine.Hecomesovermelikeanoceanwave.

I'msubmergedbeneathhimashismouthopensmymouth.Hekissesmedeeply,passionately,urgently.

Hisbreathishoarseandanimalisticashisfingerstearatmyclothing.Iunbuttonhisshirtatthesametime.

Westruggletogether,tryingtoreuniteourflesh.Iwrapmylegsaroundhim,lockingmyanklesbehind

him.Hisgazelocksonmineasheentersmeswiftly,takingmeallatonce,swayingupintomeasthough

tryingtoreachmycenter.Moaningashisbodyplungesintomine,Ipullhimevencloser,drinkinginhis
taste,rockingmyhipstosatisfythatravenoushungerthathastorturedmetheselastdays.Finally,finallyI
havemymanagain,andheisallIreallyneed.

HisbodypumpsvigorouslyintomineasIwiggleagainsthim.WhenIcomeitisinashattering,

sparklingexplosionofbliss.

Heroarsagainstmyneck,archinghisbackandthrustingonelast,greattime,liftingmeoffthesofa

cushionandslidinghishandsbeneathme.I’mcompletelyhis,totallyandutterly.

Foralongtimewelaythereuntilourbreathingslowsandourheartbeatsgobacktoanormalrhythm.I

feellikeI'mfloatinginawarmpool,justfilledwithagolden,glowingliquid.Helovesme.Isayitto
myselfagainandagain.Hewantsme.

Hisfingersdragslowlyacrosstheswellingplanesofmybreastsoverandoveragain.Iknowhe'snot

goingtoaskmeanythingstupidlikehowdidthishappenoranythinglikethat.Heknowsthatsometimes
thesethingsjusthappen.It’sfate.

“Lexi,”hebegins,pullingmybodyclosertohisinthedarkdarkenedroom.Inestleagainsthischest

andlistentohisheartbeat,slowandsure.

“I'llunderstandifyoudon'twantto,”hebeginsinahard,seriousvoice,thenseemstochangehismind.

“Actually,youknowwhat?Iwon'tunderstand.Lexi…Ineedyou.Ijustdo.Ineedustobetogether,
especiallynow.AndIknowI'vemademistakes,but—”

“Yes,”Ianswerrightaway.

Ipullbacksothathecanseemyface,Ihope.It'salmostdarkbutIknowoureyesmeet.Iknowthe

connectionisthere.Icanseeitwhenhesmirks,justalittlebit.

“Yeswhat?”heasksslyly.

Imakehimwaitforit,justforamoment.IlookawayandthenbacktohimasthoughI'mnotsurewhat

tosay,butthenIsayit.

“Yes…Daddy.”

TheEnd.

ABOUTMEGWATSON

Tosignupforupdatesonnewbooks,pleaseclickhere:

http://eepurl.com/7d3pv

Megisanold-fashioned,dewy-eyedromanticwhoreallybelievesthatlongingandpassionbeginandend
withtruelove.Emailmeat

megwatsonbooks@gmail.com

and

followmeonFacebook

MOREBOOKSBYMEGWATSON

FertileforHimSeries

Sweet,romanticshortsandnovelswheretheladiesareyoungandexperienced,andthemenareolder,
wiser,andhotassin!

OWNED

(BLOODBROTHERS1)

MafiaprincessMarieLauroalwaysknewthatdutytothefamilywasworthanysacrifice,butshenever
believedherfatherwouldorderhertobemarriedagainstherwishes.

RomanandAlekBoroslievarenewpawnsintheongoingturfwarbetweentheRussianMobandItalian
Mafia.TwentyyearsofpeaceisnearlyshatteredwhenRomanreceivesordersthatheistotaketheMafia
princessashisbride.ButtheRussiantwinshaveideasoftheirownaboutwhatkindofbridetheyreally
want,ideasthatwouldshocktheItaliansiftheyknew.

Thelastthingahitmanwantsisawife.Buttheonlywaythey'llbesafeisineachother'sarms.Howcan
thisblood-soakedunionsurvive?

BURNED

(BLOODBROTHERS2)

Theyhaditall--love,privacy,security...Untilbetrayalandliesforcedthemapart.Now,sevenyears
later,Charliisontherunwithheryoungson.Theirlivesareatstake,andtheonlyoneswhocanhelpher
areTekandNico,thebrotherssheburnedsolongago.

Throwntogetherbyfate,they'llneedtolearntotrusteachotheragainifanyofthemaretosurvive!

CharliCapelli-Astrong,fiercewoman,determinednottoletanythingstandinthewayofsavingherson
fromalifeofviolence.

TekLauro-Brilliantandintense,hissilencemasksaragethattimehasn'tdimmed.

NicoLauro-Heuseshisseductivetalentstomanipulatehistargets,butsecretlylongsforthefamilythat
wasstolenfromhim.

Canthesethreefugitivesfindsafetytogether?

BILLIONAIREBROTHERS

MargotTraskisonacollisioncoursewithdestruction-herlovelifeisinshamblesbutshejustcan'tstop
herselffromgoingbacktothemanwhorejectedher.Herpaintingsaren'tfindingcollectors,andher
expensivehomeisonthevergeofforeclosure.

ButachanceturnofeventslandsherintheprivatejetofDeclanandJacksonBurke.They'recharmingbut
insistent,andtheydemandthatifshewon'tdatejustoneofthem,she'llhavetotakethemboth.

Littledoessherealize,theirattentionsarejustwhatsheneededtofeellikeherlifeandworkhave
promise.Canitworkout?Canshetakeontwoalphamalesandhaveanythingleftofherself?

Document Outline

CHAPTER 1 - LEXI
CHAPTER 2 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 3 - LEXI
CHAPTER 4 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 5 - LEXI
CHAPTER 6 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 7 - LEXI
CHAPTER 8 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 9 - LEXI
CHAPTER 10 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 11 - LEXI
CHAPTER 12 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 13 - LEXI
CHAPTER 14 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 15 - LEXI
CHAPTER 16 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 17 - LEXI
CHAPTER 18 - EVERETT
CHAPTER 19 - LEXI

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