JustaBitConfusing

(Book#5intheStraightGuysseries)

AlessandraHazard

The Straig htGuysse rie s:

XavierandSage:

StraightBoy:AShortStory

(Book#0.5)

DerekandShawn:

JustaBitTwisted

(Book#1)

AlexanderandChristian:

JustaBitObsessed

(Book#2)

JaredandGabriel:

JustaBitUnhealthy

(Book#3)

ZachandTristan:

JustaBitWrong

(Book#4)

RyanandJames:JustaBitConfusing(Book#5)

Editor:ElizabethBalmanno

Allrightsreserved.Thisbookoranyportionthereofmaynotbereproducedorusedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutthe

expresswrittenpermissionoftheauthorexceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.

Thisstoryisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,andeventsaretheproductoftheauthor’simagination.

Thisbookcontainsexplicitsexandgraphiclanguage.

Publishe r’sNote :

SincethisbookissetinEngland,someBritishEnglishwordsareretained,butspellingconformstoAmericanEnglishconventions.

Allcharactersinthisbookarecompletelyfictionalandbearnoresemblancetoanylivingperson.Anyresemblancetoactualeventsis

purelycoincidental.

—JustaBitConfusing —

Bestfriends,inseparablesincechildhood,oneinlovewiththeother,theotherstraightandinlovewithawoman.

Storieslikethisdon’thaveahappyending;JamesGraysonknowsit.Heputsonasmile,helaughs,hejokes,andhepretendshe’s

finewhenRyankisseshisgirlfriendinfrontofhim—untilhecan’t.

Exceptnothingiseasyandlettinggoturnsouttobemuchharderthanonemightthink.Somebondsaretoostrongtobebroken,

evenforastraightman.Andsometimesloveanddesirecanhavedifferentfacesandlayers.

Astoryoftwomentryingtofunctionwithouteachotherandfailing.

—JustaBitConfusing —

Prologue

RyanHardawaymetJamesWilliamArthurGraysonwhentheywerebotheightyearsold.
Theirfirstmeetingdidn’tgowell.
“Youlooklikeaponce,”Ryantoldtheblondboyinweirdclothes.Whatkindofidiotworesuch

fancyclothestothepark?

Theweirdboy’sweirdblue-greeneyesstaredathimweirdly,asifRyanwastheweirdone.
“Youlookpoor,”theboysaidinaposhvoice,asifbeingpoorwastheworstkindofinsult.
Ryanflushed.Hisfamilywaspoor,andRyanwasoldenoughtoknowthatbeingpoorsucked,

buthewasn’toldenoughnottobeembarrassedbyit.ThatwashowRyanfoundhimselfturning
brightredandtacklingtheotherboytotheground.Inhisdefense,hewaseight.

Itwassafetosaytheboy’sfancyclothesnolongerlookedveryfancyafterthefifteenminutes

theyspentrollinginthemud,kickingandyelling.

Atlast,theytiredthemselvesoutandjustlayinthemud,gaspingforairandglaringateach

other.

TheblondponcehadmudonhisnoseandRyanlaughed.
Theboyglaredathim.“What?”
“Nowyouactuallylooklikeanormalboy,”Ryansaid,grinning.“Thoughyoufightlikeagirl.”
Theboykickedhimandsatup.HelookeddownhismuddynoseatRyanandsaid,“The

GraysonshaveservedandfoughtfortheEnglishkingssincethesixteenthcentury.I’llhaveyouknow
Ilearnedfencingattheageoffive.”

Ryanblinkedandsatup.“Fencing?Newsflash:it’snotthesixteenthcentury.”
Thekidopenedandclosedhismouth.Andpouted.
Ryanlaughedagain.
Theblondponceglaredharder,hislowerlipwobblingsuspiciously.Ryanstartedtofeelkindof

bad.HiseldestbrotherwouldgivehimascoldingifhefoundoutthatRyanhadreducedsomekidto
tears.

Sighing,Ryanstretchedhishandoutandsaid,“I’mRyan.”
TheboyhesitatedbeforeclaspingRyan’shand.“JamesWilliamArthurGrayson,theViscount

Exmouth.”

Ryanscruncheduphisnose.“SoJimmy,then.OrdoyoupreferJamie?”
Theboygavehimascandalizedlook.“It’sJames.Mydadsaysonlycommonershave

nicknames.”

Ryanlaughed.“You’resoweird—Jamie.”
“It’sJames!”
Itwasthebeginningofabeautifulfriendship.
Ryandidn’tknowyetthatitwasalsothebeginningofthemostconfusingrelationshipofhislife.

Chapter1

Hewassuchacutie.
SelaHaldanewatchedtheguyfromthecornerofhereyeasshecleanedupthetableafewtables

awayfromtheonehewassittingat.Gosh,ifhehadagirlfriend—andallthecuteonesalwayshad
girlfriends—shewasoneluckygirl.Selacouldn’thelpbutstareastheguygrinnedwidelyandsaid
somethingtowhoeverhewasonthephonewith.Hehadsuchabeautifulsmile,alldimplesandwhite
teeth,thesmilewarminghisblue(ormaybegreen?)eyes.Hemustbeinhisearlytwenties,around
herage.Hehadplatinumblond,carefullystyledhairandaveryattractive,butnotintimidatingly
handsomeface—thesortoffaceyouwantedtogazeatandsmile.Hisheightwasperfectforher,too:
tall,butnottootall.Hewasfitandtonedbutnotoverlymuscular.Justperfect.

Selasigheddreamily.
Behindher,someonesnorted,andshelookedback.Amanda,anotherwaitress,wassmirking.

“Cutie,isn’the?Buthe’swayoutofourleague.”

“Ifyoudon’ttry,youneverknow,”Selasaidwithashrug.Shemaynotlooklikeamodel,but

sheknewmenlikedher.

“Don’tyourecognizehim?”Amandasaid,hereyebrowsflyingup.“Iknowyou’renewhere,

but...He’snoaverageJoe.He’soneofthemosteligiblebachelorsinthecountry.”

Selashotthecutieacuriouslook.“Really?Whoishe?”
“JamesGrayson,TheEarlofLytton’sonlysonandheir,”Amandasaid.
Oh.
Selanormallydidn’tknowmuchaboutaristocracybesidestheRoyalFamily,butevensheknew

whoLordLyttonwas.HewasoneofthefewBritishlordswhowasstillobscenelyrichandpolitically
influential.Hisfamily’sbloodmightpossiblybebluerthantheQueen’s.

Selalookedatthecutie—James.“Doeshehaveagirlfriend?”
“Notagirlfriend,”Amandasaid.“Abetrothed.He’sbeenbetrothedtoLadyMeganCadogan

sincebirth.”

Selachuckled.“Really?Peoplestilldothat?”
“Therichonesstilldefinitelydo.”
Selashookherhead.“It’scrazy.It’snottheMiddleAges.”
“TellittotheEarlofLytton.Apparentlyhe’sveryeagerforthatmarriage—theCadogans

practicallyownhalfofEuropeandapparentlyyoucanneverberichenough.ButIguessthe

Graysonswouldn’tstillbesorelevantiftheydidn’tmakesuretheykeptandincreasedtheirpower
andwealth.”

“Howdoyouknowallofthat?”Selaasked,lookingatJamesagain.Hehadstoppedtalkingon

hisphoneandstartedeatinghislunch,glancingattheentranceexpectantlyfromtimetotime.Gosh,
hereallywassupercute.Therewasawarmthabouthimthatmadehimlooksleepyandsoftandall
kindsoflovely.Selafeltsillythinkingaboutaguylikethat,butthewordfit.Jameswaslovely.

“He’saregularhere,”Amandareplied.“Icouldn’thelpbutoverhearsomestuffwhenhetalked

tohisfriend.SpeakingofRyan…”Shenoddedtowardtheentrancewithacrookedsmileandsighed.

Selaturnedherheadandsaid,“Oh.”
Becausetheguywhohadjustenteredtherestaurantwaseasilythehottestmanshe’deverseen.

Hewasoversixfeettall,withafirmlymuscledbodyandbroadshoulders.Hehadblackunrulyhair,a
chiseledjawwithafiveo’clockshadow,anddeepgreeneyesthatwerepositivelysinful.Selahad
neverthoughteyescouldbesexy,butthisguy’swere.

IfJamesmadeherthinkoflong,slowlove-makingandsilkysheets,hisfriendmadeherthink

ofdirty,roughsex.

“Iknow,right?”Amandasaidwithanothersigh.
“Tellmehe’ssingle,”Selasaid,followingRyanwithhereyesashemadehiswaytoJames’s

table.Hemovedlikeabigcat.

Amandalaughed.“Thehottestonesarealwaystaken,sweetie.Soforgetaboutthem.Yes,they’re

hot,butthey’rebothcompletelyunavailable.”

JamesGraysonwatchedhisbestfriendoffourteenyearsmakehiswaytowardhim—alongwith

therestofthecustomersinthequietrestaurant.Hesmiledruefully.Ryantendedtohavethateffecton
people.

“Ican’tbelieveyouorderedwithoutme,”Ryansaid,droppinghimselfintotheseatnexttohim.

“Sorude.Whereareyourmanners,LordExmouth?”

Chuckling,Jamesreturnedhisattentiontohispasta.“Iguesseventuallyyouwereboundtorub

offonme.Dadhasalwayswarnedmeaboutit.Ishouldhaveheededhisadvice.”

“Yourdadhatesme,”Ryansaid,grabbingafork,stabbingitintoJames’spastaandscoopinga

forkfulintohismouth.

“Helpyourself,”Jamessaid,notwithoutsarcasm.WhenRyanjustsmiledshamelessly,Jameslet

outalong-sufferingsigh.Ryanwasimpossible.“Iorderedforyou,too.Couldyouwaitafewmore
minutes?”

“Icould,”Ryansaidwiththesamemaddeninglylazysmile.“Butyoursalwaystastesbetter.”
Snorting,Jamesavertedhiseyesandresumedeating.Hewasn’tgoingtoaskRyanwhyhewas

late.Hewasn’t.

“Sorryforbeinglate,”Ryansaid,asifreadinghisthoughts.“Hannahaskedmetodropheroff

atherdad’sofficenearby.Wegotabitdistractedalongtheway.”

Jamesdidn’tneedtolookathimtoknowhewassmirking.“I’meating,”hesaid.“Pleasespare

methesordiddetails.”

Ryanlaughedalittle,knockingtheirkneesbeneaththetable.“Prude.”
“Gentlemendon’tkissandtell.Everheardofthat?”
“Ionlytellyou,andyoudon’tcount.AndI’veneverclaimedtobeagentleman.Wecan’tall

knownamesofourdeadrelativestothirtygenerationsback.”

Jamessighed.“Youwillneverletmelivethatdown,willyou?”
Ryanlaughed.“Nope.Becauseyourlifeisridiculous.”
Itkindofwas.
Jamessmiledfaintlyandlookedaroundtherestaurant.“Thosewaitressesaremakingeyesat

you.”Theyalwaysdid.

Ryanglancedover.“Theredheadisprettycute,”hesaid.“AfewmonthsagoIwouldhavetotally

hitthat.”

Jamesreachedforhisteaandtookaliberalswallow.Histhroatfeltdry.Hetookanothergulp.
“Soyou’reseriousaboutHannah?”hesaidcasually,settingthecupdown.EversinceRyanhad

metHannahafewmonthsago,he’dbeencompletelyfixatedonher.Jameshadneverseenhimso
besottedbefore.Ryanhadalwaysbeenthetypetofuck‘emandleave‘em—untilHannah.

“Yeah,”Ryansaid,hisvoicesoftening.“She’s…Ithinkshe’stherealdeal,Jamie.”
Jamesopenedhismouthandclosedit.Hesmiled,searchingforwords.Fortherightwords.

Thankfully,thewaitressbroughtRyan’spasta,givinghimafewpreciousmomentstofindthem.

“So,whenisthewedding?”hesaid.
Ryanlaughed,knockingtheirkneestogetheragain.“Yougoingtobemybestman?”
Jamessmiledbrighter.Hischeeksstartedhurting.“Onlyifyou’remine.”
Ryan’sgrinfaded,hisgreeneyesturningintentandhard.“Youaren’tseriouslythinkingofthis,

areyou?Marryingthatgirlyourdadwantsyouto?”

Jamesjustshrugged,lookingaway.
“Jamie.”
God,hebloodyhatedthatRyancalledhimthat.NoonebutRyandidit.SomeofJames’sfriends

triedtocallhimJim,butitneverstuck.ThechildhoodnicknameRyanhadgivenhimsoundedeven
moreridiculousnowthattheywerebothgrown-up,yetRyankeptcallinghimthat,despiteknowing
thatJameshatedit.Yeah,hehatedit.Ryanjustdidn’tknowtherealreasonwhy.

“Jamie,”Ryansaidagain,havingnoideathathewasturningJames’sinsidesintoamushymess.
“What?”Jamessaid,tryingtopullhimselftogether.Itwasnevereasy,butsomedayswere

harder.Somedayshewonderedwhatthepointofallofthiswas.Lyingandpretendingnevercame
naturallytohim.LyingtoRyanwasalmostimpossible.Goodthinghe’dhadalotofpractice.

Ryanputahandaroundhisneck.Jamesbreathedincarefully.Ryan’sthumbpressedintohis

neck,asilentordertolookathim.Ithadalwaysbeenlikethis,evenwhentheywerekids:Ryanhad
alwaysbeenthepushyone,theopinionatedone,theleaderinalltheirgames,inalltheirmischief.
Ryanhadbeentheking,thegeneral,themainvillain,thedashingheroorthedragonwhileJameswas
hisloyalsidekick.Asakid,Jameshadn’tmindedit.Asatwenty-two-oldguy,heresentedit,because
oldhabitsdiedhardandhestillhadn’tfiguredouthowtoquitfollowingRyanaroundlikealoyal,
eagerpuppy,starvedforapatonthehead.TherewasareasonhisdaddislikedRyansomuchandit
wasn’tRyan’scommonbackground.Dadhatedthatsomeoneelsehadabiggerinfluenceonhisson.

“Jamie.”ThepressureofRyan’sthumbincreasedslightly.
Sighing,Jamesrelentedandlookedathisfriend.
AfurrowwrinkledRyan’sforehead.“Hashebeenpressuringyouagain?”
Jamesalmostlaughed.Ryandidn’tknowthehalfofit.Hisdadalwayspressuredhim,butRyan

didn’tneedtoknowthat.Ryanwouldjustgetmad,theywouldfightoverit,theninevitablymakeup
afterafewdays,becausetheywereterribleatfunctioningwithouteachother;alwayshadbeen.

“Arthurhasnorighttoaskthisofyou,”Ryansaid,hiseyeshard.“He’syourfather,notyour

owner.Thewholebetrothalthingisbloodyarchaicandridiculous.”

Jamesshookhisheadwithathinsmile.Ryandidn’tunderstand.Heneverdid,nomatterhow

manytimesJameshadtriedtoexplainit.Itwasoneofthosefewthingsthattheyjustdidn’tgetabout
eachother ’slife.Jamessupposeditwasn’tthatsurprising,consideringhowdifferenttheir
backgroundandupbringingwas.Ryanhadfivesiblings—fourbrothersandasister—andJamesstill
rememberedhowstrangeRyan’sfamilyseemedtohimwhenRyanhadbroughthimhomeforthe
firsttimeallthoseyearsago.Ithadbeenaculturalshock.Asachild,Jameshadlivedinhuge
mansionsallhislife,thesoleheirtoanenormousfortune,pamperedandspoiledbyeveryonearound
him.

Bycontrast,theHardawaykidshadlivedinasmallflatandtherehadn’tbeenenoughmoneyto

spoilanyofthem.Itdidn’thelpthatRyan’sfatherhaddiedshortlybeforeJamesmetRyan,andthat
Ryan’smother ’shealthwasn’tgood.TheentirefamilyhadbasicallydependedonRyan’seldest
brother,whohadbecomethedefactoheadofthefamilyattheageofsixteen.JamesknewZachhad
donehisbest,workingovertimetomakesurehisyoungersiblingsdidn’tneedanything.He
succeededforthemostpart,butforyears,thingshadbeendifficultfortheHardaways,andallof
themhadgrownupfast—becausetheyhadto.Jamesstillrememberedhowembarrassedandashamed
hefeltforhavingitsoeasywhenhesawRyan’shomeforthefirsttime.

Butmoneycouldn’tbuyeverything.Jameswouldhavegivenanythingtohavesuchaboisterous

andclose-knitfamilyasRyandid.JameslovedtheHardaways.Bynowtheywereasecondfamilyto
him.SometimesheactuallyfeltmorecomfortablewithRyan’sfamilythanwithhisown.

Itwasn’tthathedidn’tlovehisownfamily.Hedid.Hewasgratefulforwhathehad.Their

familymaynotbeaswarmandclose-knitastheHardaways,buthisparentslovedhim;heknewit.
Theyweren’ttheproblem;thefamilynamewas—orrather,whatbeingaGraysonentailed.The
GraysonswereoneoftheoldestnoblefamiliesinBritain.Kingsdied,warswerefought,political
systemschanged,buttheGraysonsstayed,unchangedandproud,richandinfluential,closeadvisers
ofprimeministersandtheRoyalFamily.TheywereactuallyrelatedtotheRoyalFamily—hisdad
waseleventhinthelineofsuccession.Onewhowasn’tbornaGraysoncouldn’tunderstandwhatit
meant.NotevenRyan,whowasasclosetohimasatwin,could.MaybeespeciallyRyan.

“Dadisn’tforcingmeintoanything,”Jamessaid.“He’snotasbadasyouthink.”
TheexpressiononRyan’sfaceremainedhardandunimpressed.“Sure,”hesaid.“He’sjustfed

youbullshitaboutdutytothefamilysinceyouwereakid.”

“IlikeMegan,”Jamessaid.Itwasn’talie.Hedidn’tlikeheranylessthananyothergirl.James

grinned.“Andshedoesn’tactsillyaroundyou,whichisniceforachange.Idon’tknowwhattheyall
seeinyouruglymug.”

Ryanwassupposedtogrinandfallbackintotheirusual,easybanter.
ButRyandidn’t.Hisexpressiondidn’tchange.“Youdeservebetterthananarrangedmarriageto

agirlyou‘like.’”

“Myparents’marriagewasarrangedbymygrandparents,too.”
Ryanchuckledharshly.“Iwouldn’texactlycallyourparents’marriagehappy.”
Jamesglaredathim.
Ryan’seyessoftened.“Sorry,”hesaid,squeezingJames’snapelightly.“Itwasalowblow.”
Jameslookeddownatthetable.“Theyusedtobehappy.”Okay,maybethatwasastretch.“At

leastIrememberthemgettingalongwhenIwasakid.Butthensomethinghappened.Idon’tknow
what.Butmypointis,thearrangedmarriageisn’tthereasontheyarelikethatnow.IlikeMeganwell
enough.Don’tyoulikeher?”

Makingafrustratednoise,RyantappedJames’sneck,anothersilentordertolookathim,and

Jamesdid.

Ryansaid,“YouknowIhatethatArthurispressuringyouintothis—it’snoneofhisbusiness

whenandwhoyoumarry—butyousureashelldon’tneedmyapproval,either.Youshouldn’tgivea

shitaboutitaslongasyouwanther.Arthur ’sopiniondoesn’tmatter,butneitherdoesmine,you
tosser.”

“Ofcourseyouropinionmatters,”Jamessaidwithalaugh.“Itwouldbeawkwardifyouhate

her,becauseyou’llbearoundallthetime.”Hehatedhowthelastpartofthesentencesoundedmore
likeaquestion.Ryan,whoknewhimbetterthananyone,didn’tmissit,ofcourse.

Ryan’seyesnarrowed.
Shit.Sloppy.Hewasgettingsloppy.
“Jamie—”
“Hereyoutwoare!”afamiliarvoiceinterruptedwhateverRyanwasgoingtosay.
Partlyrelieved,partlyannoyedbytheinterruption—intrusion,hisinnervoicecouldn’thelpbut

whisper—JamesturnedtoRyan’sgirlfriend.Ryanletgoofhisneck.

HannahwassmilingasshetooktheseatontheothersideofRyan.Shereallywasalovelygirl:

blond,paleandprettyserene—notthetypeRyanusuallywentfor.“Hey,babe,”shesaid,leaninginto
kissthecornerofRyan’smouth.“Missme?”

“Idroppedyouoffhalfanhourago,”Ryansaid,buthewaspullingherclosetokissher

properly.Itwasapublicplace,butthatneverstoppedRyan.

Jameswrappedhishandsaroundhiscupofteaandstareddownatthedarksurfaceoftheliquid.
“Dadwasn’tin,”Hannahexplainedafterelevenseconds,soundingalittleoutofbreath.“SoI

figuredI’djoinyou.Youdon’tmind,James,doyou?I’dhatetobethesortofgirlfriendwhodoesn’t
letherboyfriendspendtimewithhisfriends.”

Jamessmiledpolitely,stilllookingathistea.Itwascoldalready.Maybeheshouldgetanother.

“No,Idon’tmind.”Asifhecouldsayanythingelse.Heglancedatthecouple.Hannahwassnuggled
upagainstRyan,herheadonhisshoulder,herslimhandonhischest.

Jamessmiledagainandstoodup.“Iwasleaving,anyway.”
Ryandraggedhiseyesfromhisgirlfriendlongenoughtofrownathim.“You’releaving

already?ButIjustgothere.”

“Mylunchbreakisalmostover,”Jamessaid.BecauseIdroveforfortyfuckingminutestomeet

youforlunch.Andyouwerelate,becausemakingoutwithherwasmoreimportanttoyou,andnow
she’stakingyouawayagain.Hebithistongue,hatingthisbitternesshecouldn’thelpbutfeel.Itwasn’t
him.Itwasn’t.

“That’sashame,”Hannahsaid,lookingatRyanwithheartsinhereyes.
ButRyanwaslookingatJames,anunhappysettohismouth.“Don’tthinkourconversationis

over.”

Jamesrolledhiseyeswithasmileandasigh.“Letitgo,mate.Seriously,you’relikeadogwith

abone.It’snotanattractivepersonalitytrait.Hannah,tellhim.”

“Jamesisright,”shesaid,takingRyan’shand.“Sometimesyoucanbetoopushy.Ifsomeone

doesn’twanttotalkaboutsomething,youshouldrespectthat.”

“Idorespectit,”Ryansaid.“ButJamieisn’tjustsomeone.”
“Jamieislateforwork,”Jamessaid,placingafiftypoundnoteonthetable.“AndJamiereally

can’tbelate.”

“Don’tyouworkforacompanyownedbyyourfamily?”Hannahasked.
Abrittlelaughlefthislips.“That’sexactlywhyIcan’tbelate.Seeyoulater,guys.”Hestrode

towardthedoorbriskly,hopingRyanwouldleaveitalone.

Butofcoursehedidn’t.RyancaughtupwithhimoutsidebeforeJamescouldreachhiscar.
“Jamie!”
Suppressingasigh,JamesputonaneutralfaceandturnedtoRyan.“I’mreallyrunninglate—”
“Listentome,yougit,”Ryansaid,hiseyesdarkandhard.“I’mnotsurewhat’sgoingoninthat

headofyourslately,butdon’tdoanythingstupid,okay?Don’tagreetoArthur ’splansonlybecause
youthinkyouhaveto.”RyanliftedhishandstocradleJames’sface.Jamiewentstill,hisheart
hammeringasRyanlookedhimintheeyeintently.“Youdeservebetter.Youdeservemarrying
someoneyou’recrazyabout.Someonewhowouldloveyouforbeingyou—notforyourmoneyor
yourfamilyname,butbecauseyou’rethebestpersonIknow.”Ryansmiledathimcrookedly.“Being
inloveisprettyfuckinggreat,actually.YoudeservetofindyourHannah.”

JamiewonderedifitwouldactuallyhurtmoreifRyanstuckaknifeinhisgutandtwistedit

slowly.Hethoughthesmiled.Hehopedhewassmiling.Hisfacehurt,sohemustbe.

Hesaid,“SureIwill.Later,mate.”Hewassurprisedbyhowabsolutelynormalhisvoice

sounded.

Hesmiledagainandturnedaway.
Hewalkedtohiscar.
Hegotin.
Heclosedthedoor.
Heputhishandsonthesteeringwheel.
Histhroatworkedashetriedtoswallowthepainfullumpinhisthroat.Hecouldn’t.Aterrible,

chokedsoundcamefromhisthroat.Hischestbegantoheave.Hepressedhishandstohiseyesand
breathedin,breathedout.

Chapter2

Jameswasn’tsurewhenexactlyithadstarted—whenhehadfalleninlovewithhisbestfriend.
Hecouldn’trememberatimehedidn’tlovehim.Evenwhentheywerekids,he’dhadapretty

badcaseofpuppylove:Ryanwasthefirstrealfriendhe’dmadeonhisown,theonlyonewhowasn’t
impressedbyJames’sfamilyandlikedhim,James.Ryanwaseverythinghewasn’t:daringandpushy,
recklessanddetermined.Butastheyearswentbyandtheygrewup,James’spuppyloveshiftedinto
somethingelse.Somethingitwasneversupposedtobe.

Hisearlyteenageyearshadbeenconfusingashell,becausehecouldn’tfigureoutwhathe

wantedfromRyaneverytimeRyantouchedhim.AtthetimehestillthoughthisloveforRyanwas
brotherly,butpoppingabonerwhenRyanthrewanarmaroundhisshouldersandpulledhimclose
washardlysomethingabrotherwouldfeel.Abrotherwouldn’twankthinkingofRyan’smouthand
handsonhim.Abrotherwouldn’tfeellovesickwheneverRyansmiledathim.Ithadbeen
embarrassing.Itwasmortifying.Itwasawful,becauseheknewRyandidn’tfeelthesameway.Ryan’s
affectionforhimwaseasy,friendly,andbrotherly.Evenatthirteen,Ryanhadagirlfriendalready.
Ryanwasstraightasanarrow.IfRyanfoundoutwhatJameswanted,hewouldprobablybeweirded
outanduncomfortable.

Atthirteen,Jamesstillhopedthoseinappropriatefeelingsandurgeswouldpasswithinafew

months.

Bytwenty-two,hedidn’thaveanyhopeleft.
Hehadthoughthewascopingwellenough.ButseeingRyanwithHannah,seeingthewayhe

lookedather,drovethefinalnailinthecoffinofhissilly,irrationalhopes.Ryanwasinlovewithher.
EvenifRyanfelloutoflovewithher,hewouldneverwantJamesthatway.Ryanwouldneverlove
himback.Nomatterhowingrainedinhimthislovewas,itwasone-sidedandalwayswouldbe.He
neededtoacceptitandtrytomoveon.Noteverylovewasreturned;thatwasthecruelreality.

Hisphonebuzzedinhispocket,makinghimflinch.
Jamespulleditout.
HehadanewtextfromRyan.
SorryaboutHannah.Ididwanttohangoutjustwithyou.It’sbeenages.
Ithadbeen.Eversincethey’dbothgraduatedandacquiredfull-timejobs,eversinceHannah’s

entranceinRyan’slife,thetimetheyspenttogetherhadbeenshrinkingrapidly.Itscaredhim.Were
theydriftingapart?

Apartofhimtoldhimitwasagoodthing.Iftheystoppedlivingineachother ’spockets,it

wouldbeeasierforhimtomoveon.

Except…excepthedidn’twanttomoveon.Hedidn’tknowwhatsortofpersonhewouldbe

withoutRyan.Itwasfuckedup,butitwasthetruth.Thislove,nomatterhowhopelessandpainfulit
was,hadbeenapartofhimforsolong.ItwasapartofwhatmadehimJamesGrayson.Jamiedidn’t
knowwhohewouldbewithoutit.

Let’shangouttomorrow,hetextedback.
Hereceivedareplyalmostinstantly,whichmadehimsmile.Yeah,hewaspatheticlikethat.
I’llbeatthehouse.Theweather’sstillgood.Grabyourtrunks.Wecanhangoutatthepool.
ThehouseRyanwasreferringtowashisfamilyhome,orrather,Ryan’seldestbrother ’shouse.

Ryanhadmovedoutofthereafewyearsagoandacquiredaplaceofhisown,butsinceRyan’s
workplacewasclosetoZach’shouse,helivedhalfofthetimeatZach’sforconvenience’ssake.
Jamesdidn’tmindhangingoutthere—he’dbeentherehundredsoftimesovertheyearsandheliked
Zach.

Oryoucanborrowmine,Ryansentbeforehecouldreply.
You’regross,Jamesresponded.
Youloveme,Ryansentback.
Jamesclosedhiseyesasthefamiliarbittersweetfeelingfilledhischest.
“Iloveyou,”hewhispered,becausesometimestheurgetosayitbecametoomuch.Sometimes

heneededtosayit,eveniftherewasnoonetohearhim.

Eveniftherewasnoonetosayitback.

Chapter3

Jameslovedwatchinghappycouples.Itwasnicetoseethathappyendingsdidexist.But

watchingRyan’seldestbrotherkisshisboyfriendonthechaiseloungebythepoolalsomadehim
incrediblyenviousandpainfullyawareofRyan’stall,strongbodyafewfeetaway,leaningagainstthe
sideofthepoollazily.Ryanwascompletelyrelaxed,hisheadtippedbackandeyesclosedasthesun
touchedhissmooth,glisteningskin.

“Okay,thisisstillweird,”Ryansaid,openinghiseyesandglancingatZachandTristan.
“Why?”Jamessaid.“Youhaveabrotherwhohasbeenoutandproudforages.”
“Notthat,”Ryansaid.“YouknowIcouldn’tcarelesswheremybrothersputtheirdicks.”Ryan

shrugged,glancingatthecoupleagainandsmiling.“It’sjuststillstrangetoseeZachso…smitten.He
wasneverlikethatwithDonna.Hewasalwayssorationalaroundher,andnowlookathim.”

Astheywatched,Zachkissedhisboyfrienddeeper,hishandslippingintoTristan’strunkstocup

hisbuttock.

“Eh,”Jamessaid,hisfacewarming.
Ryancatcalled.“Myvirgineyes!”
Breakingthekiss,TristanglaredatRyan.Itdidn’tlookveryconvincing,consideringhow

flushedandblissedouthelooked.“Pissoff,Ryan.Andtakeyourbleachedshadowwithyou.”

“Itoldyou:I’manaturalblond,”Jamessaidwithasigh.HehadnocluewhyZach’sboyfriend

dislikedhimsomuch.

“Heis,”Ryansaid,throwinganarmaroundJames.“Comeon,proveittoZach’sboy.”He

hookedhisfingeronthewaistbandofJamie’strunks.“Takeitoff,showhim.”

Jamesdidn’tmove.
“You’resogay,”Tristansaid.“AndI’mnotZach’sboy.”
“Saystheguywhomoansmybrother ’snameeverygoddamnnight.”Ryangrinnedandsaidina

ridiculousfalsetto,“Ohyeah,Zach,harder—”

TristangrabbedaRedBullandthrewitathishead.
Ryanducked.
“Idon’tsoundlikethat!”Tristansaid.
Zachwaslaughing.“Youkindado.”
“Ihateyou,”TristangrumbledbeforegloweringatRyan.“EvenifIam,youtwoarestillgayer.”
Ryandidn’tlookimpressed,alltracesofamusementgonefromhisface.Hesighed.“Allright,

it’sfunandall,butit’sreallygettingold,”hesaid,startingtosoundseriouslyirritated.“There’ssuch
thingasfriendship,youknow.Imean,Ilovethisgitforsomereason,”—hesmirkedwhenJames
elbowedhim—“buteventhinkingofhimthatwaygrossesmeout.Itwouldbelikeshagginga
brother.”

Jamesforcedoutawansmile.“Yep.Likeshaggingatwin.Gross.Imean,haveyouseenhim

naked?”Hisvoicesoundedgood—lightheartedandplayful—andnoonecouldprobablytellhefelt
likesomeonehadshovedtheirfistdownhisthroatandsqueezedhisheart,hard.Brother.

Brother.
Ryangrinnedandplantedaloud,obnoxiouslywetkissonJamie’scheek.“I’mhotandyouknow

it,babe.”

SometimeshefuckinghatedRyan.
Jamiethoughtherolledhiseyesandmadeasuitablydisgustedface,buthewasn’tsure.Hisface

feltwooden.Likeabrokentoy’s.

“Likeshaggingatwin?”Tristansaid,wigglinghiseyebrows.“Youguyseverheardof

twincest?”

“You’reaterribleperson,”Ryansaidwithapinchedlook.
“Yep,”Jamesmanagedafteramoment.Getagoddamngrip,Grayson.
“Heis,”Zachsaidwithalaugh.
TristanelbowedhimintheribsandZachsmiled.
“Buthe’smyterribleperson,”Zachsaid,droppingakissonTristan’shead.
TristanhidhisfaceinZach’sshoulder.“You’returningintoasap,”hesaid,thetipsofhisears

turningred.

Jamessmiled.HeteasedTristanforblushing.Helaughed.HeribbedTristanforbeingsosweet

onZach.Hedidandsaidalltheexpectedthings.ThingsRyanwouldexpecthimtodo.Butitallfelt
distant,likesomeotherpersonwasdoingthetalking,thesmiling,thelaughing.

Likeabrother…Thinkingofhimthatwaygrossesmeout…
Hefeltsick.Maybehewassick.
“Allright,that’senough,”Zachsaidsuddenly,atouchofsteelappearinginhisvoice.Hisarm

aroundTristantightened.“Leavehimalone.”

RyanexchangedalookwithJamesandmotionedwithhishead.Theyswamawaytotheother

endofthepool.

“Strangebloke,”Jamescommentedquietly,withoutlookingatRyan.Hisnervesstillfeltfrayed,

afamiliarhollowfeelingspreadingthroughhischest.Heknewhemustkeeptalking,mustdistract
Ryan,becauseotherwiseRyanwouldnoticesomethingwasoff.Healwaysdid.Theyhadalwaysbeen
attunedtoeachother.

Ryanleanedbackagainstthesideofthepool.“HemakesZachhappy,”hesaidwithashrug.“So

IguessTristanisallright.Actually,Ithink—”

“I’mgay,”Jamesblurtedout.
Silence.
Hedidn’tdarelookatRyan.
“What?”
Jamesshrugged,wrappinghisarmsaroundhischest.“I’mgay,”herepeatedquieter.
HeinhaledasthefamiliarweightandpressureofRyan’shandappearedonhisneck.Reluctantly,

Jamesturnedhisheadtomeethisfriend’seyes.

Ryanwasstaringathim,hisblackbrowsfurrowedandhisjawset.“Whyhaven’tyoutoldme

sooner?Don’tyoutrustme?”

“OfcourseIdo,”Jamessaid,avertinghiseyes.

Ryantookhischinwithhisfingersandtippeditup.Jameswasn’tshortbyanymeans,butthe

threeinchesRyanhadonhimforcedhimtolookupalittle.

“Jamie,”Ryansaid,managingtosoundbothsoftandangry.“DidyoureallythinkIwouldcare?

Idon’tgiveashit,youprat.”

Jamesproducedawansmile.God,whydiditstillhurtsomuchafteralltheseyears?He’d

knownRyanwouldn’tcare,butaslongasRyandidn’texplicitlysaythat,hecouldhaveafutile,
ridiculoushopethatRyanwould.Well,hecouldn’tnow.Notanymore.

“Itjustisn’tsomethingpeopleknowaboutme,”Jamessaid.
“Ididn’tthinkIwaspeople,”Ryansaidsharply,apossessiveedgetohisvoice.
Jamesgavehimanunimpressedlook,hissmilebecomingmoregenuine.“We’vetalkedabout

it,youbigbaby.I’mnotyourlittlebrotherandyoudon’thavetoknoweverythingaboutme.”Ryan
hadalwaysbeenlikethat:overlyprotectiveandpossessiveofhimeversincetheywerekids.Likea
bigbrother,eventhoughRyanwasonlyamontholderthanhim.He’dneverquiteoutgrownit.

Jamiecouldn’tdenythatapartofhimlikedtheintensityofRyan’saffectionforhim,butmostly

itjustmadehimuncomfortableashell,becausethataffectionwasverybrotherly.Itmadehimfeel
likeasickpervertforwantingtosuckRyan’sdickwhileRyanthoughtofhimashisbrother.

Ryansnorted.“That’saprettyimportantthing,don’tyouthink?”
“Actually,no,”Jamessaidcalmly.“Mysexualitydoesn’tdefineme.”
Ryan’sexpressionremainedstony.“Bollocks.Ifyoureallythoughtthat,youwouldhavesaid

somethingeverytimeItriedtohookyouupwithsomegirl.”Acuriousgleamappearedinhiseyes.
“Whynow?Whyareyoutellingmenow?”

Jamesopenedhismouth,thenclosedit.HestaredatRyan,takinginhisstrongjawand

classicallyhandsomeface,hisintenseemeraldgreeneyesandblackunrulyhair,thesetofhisfirm
lips,hiswideshouldersgleamingwithdropsofwater.Hewantedsomuchtoleanin,tohidehisface
inthecrookofRyan’sneckandconfesseverything.Hewastired.Hewassodamntired.

Butofcoursehecouldn’t.Thatwouldjustmaketheirrelationshipawkward.Theirfriendship

wastoooldandstrongtobebrokenbysomethinglikethat,butitdidn’tmeanitcouldn’tberuinedby
theawkwardnessofunrequitedlove.

No;hecouldn’ttellRyananything.Ryanwashappywithhisgirlfriend.Itwouldn’tbefairto

burdenhimwiththis.

Therewasonlyonethinghecoulddo:heshouldgenuinelytrytomoveon.Heshouldgoout

andmeetpeople—fallinlovewithamanwhowouldseehimnotasalittlebrotherbutassomeone
sexyandlovable.

“Youwereright,”Jamiesaid.Hisvoicesoundedfirm.AGrayson.HewasaGrayson.The

Graysonsstoodfirmintheirbeliefs.TheGraysonssmiledevenwhenithurt.Jamessmiled.“Iwantto
beloved.Iwantarealrelationship,butI’mnotreadytocomeoutyet.Forthetimebeing,Iwantyou
tocoverformeifmyparentslookformewhileI’mwithmyboyfriend.That’swhyI’mtellingyou
now.”

“Aboyfriend?”Ryansaidafteramoment.
“Yeah,”Jamiesaid.“I’mgonnagetaboyfriend.Iwantto.”HepulledawayfromRyanandgot

outofthepool.Itfeltlikehislungswerefullofwater.HisbacktoRyan,heclosedhiseyes,tooka
deepbreathin—

Andheletgo.
Itwasthehardestthinghe’deverdone.TearingawayalltheillogicalhopesanddreamsofRyan

lovinghimbackwassodamnpainfulanddifficult.Buthedidit.Histhroathurt,hischesthurt—
everythinghurt—hiseyesstingingwithtearshewouldnevershed.Butwhenheopenedhiseyes,
Jamie’s—James’s—facewascalmandcollected.James.HewasJames.Jamiehadbeenthefoolish

boywho’dfalleninlovewithsomeonehecouldneverhave.Jamiewasinthepast.

HewasJamesWilliamArthurGraysonanditwastimetomoveon.

Chapter4

Thethingwas,RyanHardawaywasperfectlycoolwithgaypeople.Justaskhisbrother—twoof

hisbrothers.

Itdidn’tmeanhehadtoliketheguywhowascurrentlyalloverhisbestfriendinRyan’sown

flat.

Ryanclearedhisthroat,whichmadethecouplespringapart.Jamiewasflushed,hiseyes

lookinganywherebutatRyan,whilethered-hairedguysimplylookedalittlesmug.Ryanfelthisjaw
clench.

“Hey,you’reRyan,right?”thedickheadsaid,steppingforwardandstretchinghishandout.

“PaulLambert.”

Hishandwasclammy.HewincedalittlewhenRyanclaspedit.
“Thanksforlettingushangoutatyourplace,”Lambertsaidwithasmile.“Nicetofinallymeet

James’sbestfriend.I’veheardsomuchaboutyou.”

“Can’tsaythesame,”Ryansaid,scrutinizinghimfromheadtotoe.
LambertglancedatJamieuncertainlybeforegivingashortlaugh.Hehadaslightgapbetween

hisfrontteeth.“I’mhurt,”hesaidplayfully,puttingahandonJamie’shipandgivinghimapeckon
thelips.

Ryanunlockedthedoorandopenedit.“Itwasnicetomeetyou,Paul.”HeignoredJamie’sglare.

“Seeyouaround,”hesaid,openingthedoorwider.“Sorry,I’mnotreallyinasocialmoodtoday.”

“Yeah,Igetit,”Lambertsaidwithanotherannoyingsmile.“Findingastrangeratyourplace

afteralongdaywouldn’tmakemehappy,either.”

“Gladweunderstandeachother,”Ryansaid,puttingonamatchingsmile.“Seeyou.”
Heshutthedooraftertheguy,lockedit,andfloppeddownontothecouch.
“Whatthe—”Jamiespluttered.“Whatthehellwasthat?Caretoexplainyourself?”
“I’vehadashittyday,”Ryansaid,closinghiseyes.“I’mnotinthemoodtotoleratesome

dickheadwithafakesmileandasweatyhand.”

“Witha—WhatdoyouhaveagainstPaul?”
“Helookslikethesleazytype,”Ryansaid.“Idon’ttrusthim.”
“Youdon’tevenknowhim!”
“AndIdon’twantto.Comehere.”
Silence.

“Why?”Jamiesaidatlast.
Ryancrackedhiseyeopen.“BecauseI’vehadashittyday.”Theclienthadchangedhismind

aboutsomethingfundamentallyimportantafterhehadspenttwobloodyweeksonthatdesign.Even
thinkingaboutitstillpissedhimoff.“I’mangryandknackeredandIjustwanttocuddlemybest
friend.Ifhe’sstillmybestfriend.”

Jamie’smouthfellopen.“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”
Ryanheldhisgazesteadily.“Don’tpretendyoudon’tknow,Jamie.”
Jamiedroppedhisgaze,chewingonhislip.“Isthisaboutmebeingbusylately?”
Ryanchuckled.“Isthatwhatpeoplecallignoringyourbestfriendforamonth?”
“Ihaven’tbeenignoringyou,”Jamiesaid,hispalebrowsfurrowing.
“Let’ssee,”Ryandrawledout.“We’vehungouttogetheragrandtotaloffourtimesthismonth,

andtwoofthemyoucutshortbecauseofsomethingyourdadwantedyoutodo.Thethirdtimeyou
hadtoleaveearlybecauseyouhadadatewithPaul.”Hedidn’tmakeanyefforttosoftenhisvoice.It
hadn’tbeenagoodday.

“YouhaveHannahnow,”Jamiesaid,pullinghisphoneoutandcheckingit.
“Hannahismygirlfriend,”Ryansaid.Jamiewasstillstudyinghisphonewithgreatinterest.

Ryangroundhisteeth.“You’remybestfriend.AndIbloodymissmybestfriend.”

Jamiewentverystillbeforeslowlylookingup.Heswallowed,lookingincrediblyguilty.“Ryan,

I—”

“Idon’twantexplanations,”Ryansaid.“Ijustwantmybestmateback.”
Jamie’sjawworked,somethingtornabouthisexpression.Atlast,hespoke,hisvoicevery

practicedandeven.“It’snaturalthatpeoplegrowapartastheygrowupandfindsignificantothers.”
Hechuckled.“Everyonealwaysmakesfunofourfriendshipbecauseweliveineachother ’spockets
—”

“Idon’tgiveafuckwhatpeoplesay,”Ryansaid.“Iwantagoodcuddleafterthissuckyday.”He

smiledattheunintentionalrhymeandopenedhisarms.“Comehere,Jamiebear.”

Rollinghiseyesbutgrinning,JamiewalkedoverandallbutfloppedontopofRyan.“You’re

stillsuchabigbaby,”Jamiesaid,restinghischeekagainstRyan’sshoulder.“Ifyourbrothersknew
youstillusemeasyourteddybearwhenyouhaveashittyday,they’dneverletyouliveitdown.”

“Youwouldnevertellthem,”Ryansaid,wrappinghisarmsaroundJamietightlyandclosinghis

eyesasthetensionthathadbeengatheringinhisbodyoverthelastmonthsomehowebbedgently
awayfromhim.“You’dnevertellthem,becauseI’myourfavoritepersonintheworld.”

Jamiejustsighed,burrowinghisfaceintohisneck.Hedidn’tsayanything.Buthedidn’tdenyit,

either.

“Don’tdoitagain,”Ryansaid,openinghiseyesandputtingahandonJamie’snape.“Okay?”
Jamiedidn’tlookup,hisfingersplayingwiththebuttonsofRyan’sblackshirtidly.“Ithought

youdidn’thavetimeformeanymorenowthatyouhaveHannah.”

“What?”Frowning,RyanpressedathumbtoJamie’schinandtippedhisfaceupgently.“Don’t

bestupid.”HelovedHannah:hersmile,herflawlesspaleskin,hersoftblondlocksandsoftbody.He
wasprettysureshewasitforhim.Butshecouldn’treplacehisbestfriend.Thispastmonthhadbeen
fuckingstrange.Ryanhadneverfeltsoatlooseends:theneedtoseeJamie,tobaskinthewarmthof
hissmilewasalwaysatthebackofhismind.Ryandidn’tgiveashithowunmanlyitsounded,buthe
lovedJamie.Lovedhimmorethananyofhisactualbrothers—andRyanlovedhisbrothers.

HoldingJamie’sgaze,Ryansaid,“Itdoesn’tmatterthatwehavejobsandrelationshipsnow.

Becauseyouandme—it’sus,andnothingwillchangethat,gotit?You’restuckwithme.Ifyouthink
I’mlettingyoupushmeasideforyourdadorforthatdickhead,thinkagain.You’reminefirst.”

Jamie’spalecheekscoloredabit.HedroppedhisgazebeforelookingRyanintheeyeagainand

grinning.“Areyouevergoingtooutgrowthis?We’renotkidsanymore.”

“Idon’tgiveafuck,”Ryansaid,tweakingJamie’snose.Jamiepulledafunnyfaceandlaughed,

andRyanfoundhimselfgrinning,feelinglightandgood—justwhatheneededafterthestressfulday.
Jamie’scompanyalwaysworkedwondersforhim.Nothing,notevenHannah,couldimprovehis
moodasquicklyoraswellasJamie.

Jamiesighed,puttinghisheadbackonRyan’sshoulder.“IfPaulsawusrightnow,he’dgetthe

wrongidea,youknow.”

Ryan’slipscurledintoasneer.“SeehowmanyfucksIgive.”
“Don’tbeaprat,”Jamiesaid,hisfingersplayingwiththebuttonsofRyan’sshirtagain.“Paulis

agreatbloke.Ilikehimalot.”

“Idon’ttrusthim,”Ryansaidflatly.“Notwithyou.”
HecouldhearJamie’seye-roll.“Icantakecareofmyself,youknow.Idon’tneedyouwatching

outforme.”

“Youdo,”Ryansaid.“Evenifwearen’trelated,itdoesn’tmeanyoudon’thaveabrother.”
Jamieremainedquietforawhile.
“Ireallylikehim,”hesaid.“Ourrelationshipisgreat.”
Ryanlookedathim.“Okay.”IfJamiereallylikedtheguy,thenhewoulddohisbesttobeniceto

him.“I’llbenicetohim,”hesaid.“Butmakesureheisn’t—”HelookedatJamiesharplyas
somethingoccurredtohim.“Areyoufuckinghimalready?”

Jamie’sfaceturnedcrimson.“It’snoneofyourbusiness.Butifyoumustknow,yes.”Helooked

almostdefiant.

Ryanopenedhismouthandcloseditwithoutsayinganything.Hehonestlydidn’tknowwhatto

say.Therewassomethingvaguely…distastefulaboutJamieallowingthatsleazyguytotouchhimthat
way,butitreallywasnoneofhisbusiness.

Sohesighedandsaid,“Justdon’tfuckhimhere.I’dhavetoburntheplacedown.”
Jamiegavehimacheekysmile.“WhosaysIhaven’talready?”
“You’relying,”Ryansaidflatly.
“Wediditinyourbed,”Jamiesaidbeforeheburstoutlaughing.“OhmyGod,yourface!”
“Youlittle—”Ryanflippedhimoverandstartedticklinghim.Jamielaughedhysterically,

thrashingunderhim.

Itdidn’ttakeJamielongtobegformercy.“I’msorry,I’msorry—stop!Ididn’t,okay?”
Ryanstopped.“Tosser.Ialmostthrewupinmymouth.”
Stillflushedfromlaughing,Jamiesmiledathim.“Don’tworry,yourpreciousbedremains

unsullied.Well,IhadanapafterIgothere—Iwastired—butItoldPaulthebedwasoff-limitsfor
himwhenhewantedtojoinmethere.”

“Iwantmykeyback,”Ryansaidwithapinchedlook.
Jamie’sfacebecameserious.“YourflatisprettymuchtheonlyplacePaulandIcanhangout

withoutbeingseen.He’srenovatinghisplace.”

“Yourparentsstilldon’tknow?”Ryansaid.
Jamieshookhishead,grimacingslightly.
Ryanstudiedhim.“Areyouevenplanningtocomeout?”
“Yeah.Atsomepoint.”Jamiechewedonhislip.“WhenI’mready,willyoucomewithme?For

moralsupport.”

RyanwonderedwhyJamiedidn’twantLambertformoralsupportifthingswerethatgood

betweenthem,buthecouldn’tdenyitwasimmenselysatisfyingtoknowthatJamiestillneededhim
whenitmattered.

“Sure,”hesaidwithalazygrin.“IwanttoseeArthur ’sfacewhenhefindsout.Wouldn’tmissit

fortheworld.”

Jamiesmackedhimonthehead.“Areyoueverserious?”
Ryandroppedhisgrin.“I’mseriousnow,”hesaid,lookingJamieintheeye.“Youknowyoucan

alwayscountonme.Nomatterwhat.Ifyoueverneedanything,I’mhere.Always.”

SomethingflickeredinJamie’seyesbeforehesmiled.“Iknow.”
“AndifLamberthurtsyou—”
“I’mhappywithhim,Ryan.Really.”Jamiesmiledbrighter.
Ryaneyedhimskeptically.Maybehisdislikewasjustcloudinghisjudgment,buthecouldn’t

bringhimselftobelieveit.

PaulLambertwasn’tgoodenoughforJamie.

Chapter5

Amonthlater,Ryanwasstretchedoutonthesamecouch,hisarmaroundHannah’swaistasthey

watchedamovietogether,whenheheardthesoundofthekeyturninginthelock.

Jamiestoodinthedoorway,blinkingatthemowlishly.“Oh,”hesaid.“Ithoughtyouwereat

Zach’shouse.Sorryforbargingin.”Heturnedaway.

“Jamie,wait!”Ryanscrambledoffthecouchandstrodetowardhisbestfriend.TakingJamie’s

shouldersinhishands,hestudiedhim.Jamie’seyesweresuspiciouslyshiny.“What’swrong?”he
askedquietly.

Jamieshruggedandshookhishead,avoidinghisgaze.
Ryan’slipspressedtogether.“Sweetheart,couldyouleaveusaloneplease?”hesaid,raisinghis

voice.

“Sure,”Hannahsaid,eversounderstanding.“Seeyou,James.”Shegrabbedherhandbag,

peckedRyanonthelips,andthenshewasgone.

“Youshouldn’thavedoneit,”Jamiesaid,wrappinghisarmsaroundhimself,hisfacepale.

“Sorry.Ijustwantedtocrashhereforthenight.IthoughtyouwereatZach’s.”

Ryanlockedthedoor,tookJamiebythearmandledhimtothecouch.Heforcedhimtosit

beforegoingtograbafewbottlesofwhiskey.Heopenedthem,silentlyhandedonetoJamie,andsat
besidehim.“Wannatalkaboutit?

Jamieshookhisheadandtookabiggulpfromhisbottle.

Anhourlater,JamiewasleaningheavilyintoRyan’sside,hischeekpressedagainstRyan’s

shoulder,hisbottlegraspedlooselyinthehandthatdidn’thaveadeathlygriponRyan’sshirt.“I
reallylikedhim,”Jamiemuttered,slurringthewordsout.“Ilikedhim,Ryan.”

Ryanbittheinsideofhischeektokeephimselffromsaying‘Itoldyouso.’Thatwasn’twhat

Jamieneededrightnow.

“Imean,”Jamiemumbled.“Ididn’tlovehim,butIthoughtIcould—someday,youknow?”
“Iknow,”Ryansaidsoothingly,runninghisfingersthroughJamie’shair,massaginghisscalp.
Jamiemadeasmallnoise,leaningintothetouch.“HehatedthatIwasinthecloset.ThatI

couldn’tintroducethem.Dadandhim.IsaidIwasn’tready,andhesaid…hesaidIjustdidn’tlove
him…andthatIshouldtellDadorwe’redone.Ijust—Icouldn’t.Dadwouldbe…hewouldbe
disappointed.Moredisappointedinmethanhealreadyis.”

RyanwantedtobeatLambertintoapulp.AndArthurGraysonafterthat.
“Yourfatherlovesyou,”Ryansaid.Heknewitwastrue.ForallArthur ’sfaults,hedidlovehis

onlyson,inhisownway.

“Doesn’tmeanheisn’tdisappointed,”Jamiemumbledbarelyaudibly,hiswordsmuffledby

Ryan’sshirt.“I’mnothinglikehim.I’mnotcleverandcool-headed.Notverygoodatbusiness.IfI
didn’thavetheGraysoneyes,I’dthinkIwasswitchedatbirth.”Hechuckled.“Thoughitdoesn’tmean
much.TristanhastheGraysoneyesandhe’snoGrayson.”Hechuckledagain.“Actually,Tristan
would’vemadeafarbetterGraysonthanme.He’scleverandsmartwithhisinvestments—Zachtold
methat.Dadwould’veapprovedofhim.”

RyantookJamie’schinandtippedhisfaceup.ThelookofuttermiseryinJamie’saquamarine

eyestwistedhisinsidesintoatight,angryknot.“IfbeingagoodGraysonmeansbeinganarrogant,
cunningsonofabitch,I’mgladyouareverybadatit.AndifthatdickheadLambertwantedyour
dad’sblessingtoloveyou,fuckhim,then.He’sabloodyidiot.You’vebeenseeinghimforwhat,two
months?Abittoosoonforthemeetingtheparentspart.”

“Iguesshewaseagertomeethim.”JamiereachedforRyan’sbottleanddownedtheremaining

whiskeyinonedeepswallow.

Ryaninhaledslowlythroughhisgrittedteeth.Itwasn’tthefirsttimesomeoneclosetoJamiewas

moreinterestedinArthurthanhim.Jamiewasusedtoitbynow.Butitdidn’tmeanitstilldidn’thurt
him.

“Needanotherbottle,”Jamieslurredout,hiseyesunfocused.
“Thinkyou’vehadenough,mate,”Ryansaid,takingbothbottlesawayandsettingthemonthe

floor.

“No,”Jamiesaidstubbornly.
“Yes,”Ryansaid.“You’llhateyourselfinthemorning.”
“IfI’mdrunk,thenyou’redrunk,too,”Jamiesaid.
“Unlikeyou,Icanholdmyliquor.Irishbloodandall.”Though,truthbetold,Ryandidfeela

littledrunk—maybenotenoughtogivehimasplittingheadacheinthemorning,butenoughforthe
worldtoseemslowandalittledreamlike.

“I’mnotIrish.I’mEnglish,”Jamiemutteredwithabewilderedlookonhisface.
Inothercircumstances,ifJamiehadn’tbeensomiserable,Ryanwouldhavelaughed.Jamie

rarelygotsopissedthathelostthethreadoftheconversation.“Yes,youare.”CradlingJamie’sface,
hebrushedhislipsagainstJamie’sforehead.“Everythingwillbefine,you’llsee.”HekissedJamie’s
temple.

Jamieshuddered.“Don’t.Notnow.Ican’t—notnow.”
Frowning,Ryanpulledbacktolookathisfriend.
Jamiewasstaringathimoddly,hislipspartedandcurledinhalfagrimace,hiseyesgleaming

withdesperation.“I—”hesaidbeforesuddenlylungingforwardandclosingthedistancebetween
theirmouths.

Foramoment,Ryan’salcohol-foggedbraincouldn’tunderstandwhatwasgoingon.
Jamiewaskissinghim.
Jamiewaskissinghim.Oratleasttryingto,hislipsclumsyandawkwardbutdesperateand

needy—soneedyitwasweirdingRyanout.

“Please,”Jamiewhispered,fingersclawinginRyan’shairandhislipsclingingtoRyan’s.

“Please.”

Ryanhadneverbeenmoretorn.Apartofhimwasfreakingout—itwasJamie,hisbestfriend,

theguyhelovedlikealittlebrother,forfuck’ssake,andwhatthehellwashedoing?—buthe’dnever
beenanygoodatsayingnotoJamiewhenhewashurting.AndJamie,hischeekswetwithtears,was

hurting.

Buthehadtostopthis.
TakingJamie’sfaceinhishandsagain,Ryanpushedhimawaygently.Jamieactuallywhined.
“Jamie.”
Hewatchedasawarenessfinallyreplacedthatcreepy,single-mindeddesperationinJamie’s

eyes.Awareness,self-consciousness,anddawninghorror.Jamielookedmuchmoresoberallofa
sudden.Heflushedbrightred.

Ryanchuckled.“I’mallforreboundingafterabreakup,but…Iknowyou’redrunk,butIdidn’t

thinkyouweresodrunkthatevenIwoulddo.”

Jamiestaredathimforalongmomentbeforedroppinghisgaze.Afterashortwhile,helooked

atRyanagain.“Sorry,”hesaid,clearinghisthroat.“Ijust—Iwasn’ttryingtouseyouasarebound.
Obviously.Ijust…Paulsaidsomethingthatgotmeallworkedupandhurtmyego,soIguess…”He
shruggedsheepishly.“Sorry.”

“Whatdidhesay?”Ryanasked,alreadyknowinghewasn’tgoingtolikeit.
“Itdoesn’tmatter.Itwasintheheatofthemoment,justtohurtme.”
“Jamie.”
“Hesaid…hesaidIwasfrigidandwasn’tanygoodinbed,”Jamiemumbled.“AndthatI’m

terribleatkissing.”Jamiewasrefusingtomeethiseyes.

Ryansaidslowly,“Jamie,howmuchexperiencedoyouactuallyhave?”
Ifanything,Jamielookedevenmoreuncomfortable.“I’vebeenintheclosetallmylife.”
“Howmuch?”Ryanpressed.
“UntilPaul,afewsnogsandahandjob.”
ItwasRyan’sturntostare.
“Didyougoallthewaywithhim?”heaskedatlast,hopingJamiewouldsayno.Hedidn’ttrust

thatdickheadtotreatJamieright—Jamiewhohadpracticallybeenavirgin,Jesus.Whothehellwasa
virginattwenty-two?

“Yeah,”Jamiesaid,studyinghisownhands.“Ifuckedhim.”
“Butnottheotherwayround?”
“No.Hewantedto.Wetried,butIcouldn’trelax,”Jamiemurmured,eventhetipsofhisearsred.

“That’swhyhecalledmefrigid,Iguess.”

“That’sbullshit,”Ryansaid,recallingwhathisbrotherhadoncetoldhim.“Nicktoldmemany

gaymenactuallydon’tgoalltheway,stickingtoblowjobsandhandjobs.Noteveryonelikesit.”

Jamieshruggedagain,lookinglikehewantedtobeanywherebutthere.Ryanknewtheonly

reasonhewaseventalkingaboutitwasbecausehewasdrunk;normallyJamiewasveryprivateabout
hissexlife—becauseapparentlyhedidn’thaveone.NotthatRyanwasallthatcomfortabletalking
aboutJamie’ssexlife,buthecouldn’tleaveitatthat.Jamiehadenoughinsecuritiesthankstohis
father;hedidn’tneedsexualinsecuritiesontopofthem.

“Andyou’renotaterriblekisser,”Ryansaid.
Jamie’seyessnappedtohim,wideandconfused.
“You’renotagoodone,mindyou.Yourtechniqueneedswork.You’reovereager.”Ryan

smirkedalittle.“Igetit—whowouldn’tbeovereagertokissme?”

Finally,hegotthereactionhewanted:Jamierolledhiseyes,thoughhisfacewasstillredfrom

embarrassment.“Fuckoff.”

Stillsmirkinglazily,Ryanleanedbackagainstthecouch,stretchinghisarmalongtheback.“Is

thathowyoutalktoyourbestmatewho’sabouttoofferyoutopracticeonhim?”

Jamieblinkedafewtimes,lookingadorablybewildered.“You’rejoking.”
Ryanmethisgazesteadily.“Nope.Ipromisenottolaughatyouandjusttellyouifyou’redoing

somethingwrong.”

Jamiejuststaredathim.
“HurryupbeforeIchangemymind,”Ryansaid.
“You’restraight,”Jamiesaiddumbly.
Ryanraisedhiseyebrows.“Sowhat?Itwon’tbearealkiss.I’llletyoupracticeonme,sothe

nexttimesomepricksaysyou’reaterriblekisser,you’llknowhe’slying.”Truthbetold,Ryanwas
farfrombeingasblaséabouthisofferashepretended.EventhinkingaboutkissingJamiewastoo
strange.ButJamieneededhishelp.Moreimportantly,Jamieneededtobereassuredtherewasnothing
wrongwithhimsohecouldgethisconfidenceback.

HesawtheconflictingemotionsinJamie’seyes—nomatterhowwastedhewas,heprobably

hadsimilarmisgivingsaboutkissingsomeonewhowaspracticallyhisbrother.

ButJamiemovedcloseragain…closerandcloseruntiltheirmouthswereinchesapart.Ryan

couldsmellthescentofwhiskeyasJamietookshallow,shudderingbreaths.

“Don’tbesonervous,”Ryansaid,buryinghisfingersinJamie’shairandstrokingitsoothingly.

“It’sjustme.Don’tfreakoutonme.”

Jamiehuffedoutalaugh.“Thisiscrazy,”hemumbled,staringatRyan’slips.
“Alittle,”Ryansaid,applyingpressuretoJamie’sheaduntiltheirforeheadtouched.“Watchand

learn.”TryingnottothinktoomuchaboutthefactthatitwasJamie,hefittheirmouthstogetherand
startedkissinghim,makingsuretomakeitslowandthorough,soJamiecouldseehowitwasdone.
ExceptJamiecompletelyruinedit,hismouthturningovereagerandneedyagain.BeforeRyancould
processwhatwashappening,Jamie’stonguewasinhismouthandthenJamiewassuckingonRyan’s
tonguegreedily,makingthosedesperatelittlesoundsagain.IttookRyansomeefforttogetoverthe
utterstrangenessofit,buthefiguredsinceJamiehadsoverylittlesexualexperience,his
overeagernesswasonlytobeexpected.Itstilldidn’tmakeitanylessweirdthattheguyheconsidered
alittlebrotherwassuckingonhistonguewithshamelesslittlemoans.Itwasn’tterribleoranything.
Juststrangeashell.

JamiewhinedwhenRyanfinallybrokethekiss.
“Better,butyouwereovereageragain,”Ryansaid.“Toomuchtongue.”
“Sorry,”Jamiesaidbelatedly,lookingdazedandflushed.“Again?”
“Again,”Ryansaid.“ButthistimetakenoteofwhatI’mdoing.Slowly.”Hesmiled.“Okay?”
Jamienodded,lickedhismoistbottomlipandpartedhislips,waitingtobekissed.
ThesightwastheweirdestfuckingthingRyanhadseeninhislife.Tryingtoshakethefeeling

off,heleanedinandpressedtheirlipstogetheragain.Jamiesighedandheldverystill,lettingRyan
kisshimunhurriedly.Itdidn’tlastlong.Beforelong,Jamiewasbacktoneedyovereagerness,
suckingonRyan’stongue.Ryanlethimdoitforawhilebeforepullingback,wipinghislips,and
givingJamiealook.

Jamieblinkedblearily,asthoughwakingfromadream,andthengroaned,coveringhisface

withhishands.

Ryanlaughed.Theentirethingwasridiculous.
“Shutup,”Jamiesaid,pullinghiskneestohischestandwrappinghisarmsaroundthem.“You

promisednottolaugh.”

“Yougottaadmitit’sprettyfunny,”Ryansaid,throwinganarmaroundJamie’sshoulders.

“Actually,you’renotthatbad.Justalittletoomuch.”

“Ihateyou,”Jamiegrumbled,hidinghisfaceinhishandsagain.
“Ifit’sanyconsolation,yourmouthtastesnice,”Ryansaid.“Okay,thatsoundedweird.Butas

someonewhohaskissedmorethantwopeopleinhislife—”

“Three,”Jamiecutin.

“Assomeonewhohaskissedmorethanthreepeopleinhislife,Ihavetosayit’sprettyrarefor

someonedrunktohaveanice-tastingmouth.Mustbeyoursuperiorbreeding.”

“Ithinkyou’redrunkerthanme,”Jamiesaid,snorting.
“Never,”Ryansaid.Droppinghissmile,heturnedhisheadandnuzzledJamie’stemple.

“Lambertisfullofshit,Jamie.You’renotfrigid,trustme.”IfJamiecouldgetsoexcitedfromkissing
someonehewasn’tevenattractedto,hewastheoppositeoffrigid.RyankissedJamie’stemple.
“Jokingaside,you’renotaterriblekisser.Andtechniqueisn’teverything.It’salwaysflatteringashell
whenyourpartneriseager.It’saturn-on.Itwasstrangetomeforobviousreasons,butobviouslyI
don’tcount.”

Jamieputhischinontopofhisknees,huggingthemtightly.HeturnedhisfaceawaysoRyan

couldnolongerseeevenhisprofile.“No,youdon’t,”hesaidtonelessly.

Ryan’seyesnarrowed,anuncomfortablefeelingnaggingatthebackofhismind.
“I’mtired,”Jamiesaid,sighingandputtinghisheadonRyan’sshoulder.“I’msotired,”he

murmured,hiseyelidsslidingshut.“HopeIwon’trememberthisinthemorning.Idon’twantto.”

Frowning,Ryanstrokedhishairwithhisfingers.
“Iwish…Iwishthingsweredifferent,”Jamiewhispered.
“Different?”
Jamiedidn’trespond.
RyanstartedthinkingthathehadfallenasleepwhenJamiemumbledquietly,“Doyouever

wonderiftherearealternateuniverses?Liveswherethingsarealittlebitdifferent?Itmakesmefeel
bettertothinkthatmaybeinanotherlife…”Hisvoicegotstrainedandhetrailedoff.

Beforelong,hewasasleep.
Ryanliftedhimcarefullyandcarriedhimtohisbedroom.Jamiedidn’twakeupevenwhenhe

tuckedhimintohisbed.Ryansatnexttohim,leaningbackagainsttheheadboard.

Hisforeheadcreased,hewatchedJamiesleepasthenaggingfeelinginhisgutbecamestronger

andstronger.

Chapter6

“Happybirthdaytoyou
Happybirthdaytoyou
HappybirthdaydearZaaach
Happybirthdaytoyou!”

Jameswatchedeveryoneintheroomsingenthusiastically—well,everyoneintheroombut

Zach,whowasthebirthdayboy,andTristan,whoseemedtobetornbetweenmakingfunofpeople
aroundhimandsmilingstupidlyatZach.

Jameslovedbirthdays.HelovedtheHardawaybirthdaysinparticular:theywereloud,funand

verywarm,andZach’sthirty-firstbirthdaywasnoexception.Thefoodwasalwaysdelicious—despite
herfragilehealth,CathleenHardawayalwaysinsistedondoingthecookingherselfontheoccasions
ofherchildren’sbirthdays—andcompanywasevenbetter.Normally.

“Aren’tyouhavingfun,handsome?”Fredasked,wrappingahandaroundhisbicep.
Caseinpoint.
Suppressinghisgrimace,Jamesgavehisnewboyfriendathinsmile.Tall,dark,andhandsome,

Fredwasexactlyhistype,butJamescouldn’tsayhelikedFredallthatmuch.Theyhadbeentogether
fortwoweeksalready,buthestillfeltuneasyeverytimeFredtouchedhim.Hecouldn’thelpit.No
matterwhathismindknew,hisheartstillcouldn’tgetthememothathewasn’tRyan’s,andevery
touch,everykissfeltlikecheating.IthadbeeneasierwithPaul.WithPaul,Jameshadmanagedto
half-convincehimselfhecouldlovePaul.WithFred,hecouldn’t.He’dchosenPaulbecausehehad
likedhim;he’dchosenFredbecauseheneededaboyfriend.BecauseheneededtodistractRyan,
neededtodispelanysuspicion.

EversincethenightofhisbreakupwithPaul—eversincehegotstupidlydrunkandkissedhis

bestfriend—Ryanhadbeenlookingathimalittleoddly.Jamesdidn’tthinkRyansuspectedthetruth,
butRyanhadbeenextraattentive,asifhewasafraidJamiewasdepressed.Theworstthingwas,James
couldrememberonlyvaguelythekisstheyshared,orrather,thekissestheyshared,because
apparentlywhenhewasdrunk,hehadnoshameandwasn’taboveusingRyan’spityandkindness.The
memoryalonemadehimcringe.He’dneverthoughthecouldbesodesperateandpathetic,but
apparently,hewas.

Itwasn’ttheonlythingthatworriedhim.HecouldvaguelyremembertellingRyansomething

beforepassingout,butnomatterhowhardhestrainedhismemory,itremainedblank.Whatifhe’d
saidsomethingincriminating?

“Honey?”Fredsaid.
Jameshidanothergrimace.Fredwassuchawalkingstereotype.Despitehismuscularbuild,he

wassofeminineanddramaticthatthefirsttimeRyanhadmetFred,RyanhadactuallyturnedtoJames
andgivenhima“really?”look.

Onthebrightside,Freddidn’ttrytotaketheaggressiveroleinsex,perfectlycontentwith

lettingJamesfuckhim.ButevendespiteFred’sharmlessness,Jamesstillcouldn’tquiterelaxwithhim
—letalonerelaxenoughtotrybottoming.

HetriednottodwellontheratherdepressingpossibilitythatRyanmightbetheonlymanhe

couldrelaxcompletelywithinbed.

“What?”Jamessaid,tryingtosoundattentiveandenthusiastic.Itwasn’tFred’sfaulthewasn’t

Ryan.Itwasn’tFred’sfaultthatJamescouldn’thelpbutcomparehimtohisfriend,andthatFred
alwayscameupshort.Itwasn’tFred’sfaultJameswasanidiotandcouldn’tfuckingmoveon.

“Youdidn’tsayTristanDuValwasyourfriend’sbrother ’sboyfriend,”Fredsaid,staringopenly

atTristan.“Ididn’tknowhewasgay.Wow.”

ThistimeJamesdidn’tbothertohidehisgrimace.“Howisthatrelevant?”hesaid.“Our

sexualitiesdon’tdefineus.”

Fredshookhishead,hiseyesstillonTristan.“It’sdifferent.He’sacelebrity.”
“Hedoesn’tevenplayfootballanymore,”Jamessaid.“Pleasestopstaringathim.”Thelast

thingheneededwasTristan’sattentiononthem.Theguydidn’tlikehimforsomereasonandhewas
alsooneofthemostobservantpeopleJamesknew.

“ButIcan’tnotstareathim!”Fredsaid,grinning.“MysisterisajournalistattheTelegraph—”
“Afinewaytorepaytheirhospitality.”
AtleastFredhadthegracetolookembarrassed.“Sorry,”hesaid,leaningintokissJames.

Suppressingtheurgetopushhimaway,Jameskissedback.Hedidn’tclosehiseyes.Thatwaswhyhe
hadtheperfectviewofRyanlaughingatsomethingandleaningdowntokissHannah’sneck.Thatwas
whywhenRyanlookedup,theireyeslockedoverFred’sshoulder.SomethingshiftedinRyan’seyes,
aflickerofanemotionJamescouldn’tquiteplace.

JamesclosedhiseyesandkissedFredharder,hopingtofeelsomething.Anything.
Buthisfoolishheartremainedunaffected,asifitwasn’tthesameheartthatbeatmadlyevery

timeRyansmiledathim,everytimeRyancalledhimJamie,everytimeRyanpulledhimclose.

Afterthedinner,themoodofthepartybecamemorerelaxedandinformal.Fredhadexcused

himselfandleft.Ryan’smotherandauntwerealreadygone,too,aswereRyan’ssisterSandraandher
husband.Zach’sfriendsleftsoonafterthat,andnowitwasjustJames,Hannah,Tristanandthefive
Hardawaybrothers.Thebrotherschattedanimatedly,exchanginglightheartedinsultsastheynursed
theirbeers.Asusual,itwasveryentertainingtowatch.Andasusual,RyanandZachdominatedthe
roomwithouteventrying.

Zach,astheeldest,alwaysstoodalittleapartfromhisyoungersiblings.Hewasthedependable

andresponsibleone,withaverydrysenseofhumor,andhetendedtobemorethanalittle
overbearing.John,Nick,andtheeighteen-year-oldMilesweremuchmorelaidbackandmild-
tempered.

Outofallthebrothers,RyanresembledZachthemost.Notinappearance,becausetheyhadlittle

incommonbesidestheirheightandmuscularbuild,butinbearing.LikeZach,Ryanwassteadfastand
domineering,thoughitmanifesteddifferently:ifZachgaveyouacoolorderandsimplyexpected
youtodoasyouweretold,thesheerintensityofRyan’spersonalitymadeitdifficulttolookaway

whenhetalkedanditwashardnottodowhateverhewanted.AtleastthatwashowJamieoftenfelt:
likeahelplessrockcaughtinRyan’sgravity,whileRyanorbitedthelovelygirlsnuggledupagainst
him.

“Youshouldtrytobelessobvious,youknow.”
Jamesflinched.
Slowly,heturnedhisheadandfoundhimselfstaringintoanalmostidenticalsetofaquamarine

eyes.Sippinghisbeerlazily,Tristansaid,“Howlong?”

Jamesglancedaround.Theyweresomedistanceawayfromthebickeringbrothersandwere

unlikelytobeoverheard.

Hebrieflyconsideredfeigningconfusion,butheknewitwasuseless.Ifanyonecouldrecognize

alie,itwasTristan.Theguywasachameleon.Tristancouldbeniceandcharmingonemoment,then
turncoldandrudethenext.Despiteknowinghimforhalfayear,Jamesstillhadnocluewhichof
thoseTristanswasreal.HesuspectedTristanwasclosertohisrealselfwithZach.Hewasdifferent
withZach:softer,warmer,moreopen.

“Don’tbotherdenyingit,”Tristansaid.
“Iwasn’tgoingto,”Jamessaid.
“Thenyouaren’tasstupidasyoulook.”
Jamescockedhishead,lookingatTristancuriously.Buthecouldn’treadhimatall.“Whydo

youhatemesomuch?”

TheconfusedexpressiononTristan’sfacewasperfect,butJameswasn’tbuyingit.Suchintense

instantdislikedidn’tappearfornoreason.

“Hateyou?”Tristanrepeated.“WhywouldIhateyou?Ibarelyknowyou.”
“Idon’tknow.Whydon’tyoutellme?”Jamiesaid.
Tristansmiled,thesmileturninghisfacealmostethereal.Hereallywasuncommonlybeautiful.

“Nicechangeoftopic,Grayson.So,howlonghaveyoubeencarryingatorchforyourstraightbest-
friend-slash-brother?”

Jamesdidn’tanswer.
“Hmm,”Tristansaid.HiseyesstudiedJames,assessingandsharp.“Whydon’tyoutellhim?

Wait,don’tanswer.Iknow:you’reafraiditwouldfuckupyourfriendship.Pfft,you’reso
predictable.”

“Tristan,grabanothersix-packfromthefridge,”Zachcalledoutfromacrosstheroom.
“DoIlooklikeadeliveryboy?”Tristansaid,thesneerhedirectedatJamesturningintoasmile

whenhelookedatZach.

Zachsmiledback.“Youlooklikemyboyfriend.Gofetchit.”
“I’minjured,”Tristanpointedout.
“That’swhyJameswillgowithyou,youbaby,”Zachsaid.
Tristanpouted.Zachlaughed.
Theyhadastrangedynamic,thetwoofthem.Theycouldn’tbemoredifferent:Zach,

responsibleandmature,andTristan,whooftenbehavedlikeanunashamedbrat.Butsomehowthey
worked.Theyfit.

TristanheadedtothekitchenandJamesfollowedhimreluctantly.
“Itwouldscrewupourfriendship,”hesaid.
“Bullshit,”Tristansaid.“I’veneverseenanyonemoreattachedatthehipthanyouandRyan—

actually,no,Ihave.YouknowJaredandmyadoptivebrother,Gabriel?”

Jamesfrowned.“Sure.Whatdotheyhavetodowithanything?Iknowthey’regoodfriends.

Everyoneknowsit.”Theirfriendshipwaswell-documentedinthemedia.

“They’renotjustfriendsanymore,”Tristansaid,openingthefridge.“Gabeneverthoughtof

Jaredthatway,butwhenhefoundoutthatJaredhadbeencarryingatorchforhimforyears,itdidn’t
changethingsmuch.Therewassomedrama,becauseGabeisanidiot,butnowthey’rehappily
fucking.”

“Ryanisstraight,”Jamessaid.
“Everyone’sstraightuntilthey’renot,”Tristansaid,lookingbored.“Zachisn’texactlygay,

either.Attractioniseitherthereornot,andlabelshavelittletodowithit.”

“Ryanisn’tattractedtome.”Jameswasproudofhowcalmhisvoicesounded.“Iknowthatfor

sure.”

Tristanlookedathim.“Yeah,maybe.Hetrulyseemstoseeyouasabrother.”
Jamesdidn’tknowwhythewordshurt:itwasnothinghedidn’tknow.Maybeapartofhimhad

hopedTristanwoulddisagree.

God,Tristanwasright:hereallywasstupid.Hemaynotremembermuchfromthenighthe

kissedRyan,buthedidrememberRyanlaughingitoffandmakingfunofhimgood-naturedly.Ryan
wasn’tattractedtohimatall.Therewasnodoubtaboutit.

“Sothere’snopointintellinghim,”Jamesmanaged.“Helovesher,he’shappywithher,andif

hefindsout,he’donlyfeelsorryforme.”

Tristanhadthestrangestexpressiononhisface.
“What?”
Shakinghishead,Tristanpointedatthesix-packinthefridge.“Grabthisandlet’sgo.”
JamesdidashewastoldandfollowedTristanoutofthekitchen.Thesix-packfeltfarheavier

thanitshouldhaveashewatchedTristanstridetowardZachandkisshim.Afteramoment’ssurprise,
Zachpulledhimdownintohislapandkissedback.Hisbrotherswolf-whistled.Grinning,Hannahsaid
somethingandkissedherboyfriend,too.

Jamesdraggedhiseyesaway.HisgazelandedonTristanagain,wholookedflushed,well-

snogged,andhappyashegazedatZach.AnacidicfeelingburnedinthebackofJames’sthroat.

Tristanlookedathim,and,toJames’ssurprise,hecouldseesomethinglikeunderstandingand

pityinTristan’seyes.

Histhroatuncomfortablythick,Jameswalkedforwardandputthesix-packatZach’sfeet.
“Lifeisafunnything,isn’t?”TristansaidquietlyfromhissprawlinZach’slap.“Itgivesyou

someandtakessome.”

Zachlookedathisboyfriendwithafaintcreasebetweenhisbrowsbeforesmiling.“You’re

growingwiserbytheminute.”

Smirking,Tristansaid,“Thewisdomofyouradvancedagemustberubbingoffonme.”
“Mustbe,”ZachsaidbeforebitingTristan’sbottomlip.Tristansighedandimmediatelyparted

hislipsforZach’stongue.

“Getaroom,youtwo,”Ryansaidwithalaugh.
“Comingfromyou,that’sprettyrich,Romeo,”Nicksaid.
“AtleastI’mnotasadsodlikeyou,”Ryansaid,kissingHannahonthetemple.
Jameshadneverthoughtitwaspossibletofeelsolonelyinaroomfullofpeopleheliked.
“Jamie?”Ryansaidsuddenly.“Youokay?”
“Yeah,”Jamessaid,withoutlookingathim.“Ijusthavetogo.Irememberedsomething

importantDadtoldmetodo.”

HefeltTristan’sgazeonhim.
Afterbiddingeveryonegoodbyes,Jamesmadehiswaytothedoor.Hewasn’tsurprisedwhen

Tristanfollowedhim.

“Don’ttellhimanything,”Jamessaid,puttingonhisjacket.“Please.”
Crossinghisarmsoverhischest,Tristanleanedagainstthewallandeyedhim.“Youknow

what?”hesaidmildly.“Youwantmyopinion?”

Didhehaveachoice?
“Shoot.”
“Areyoureallyplanningtosuckitupandsufferinsilenceallyourlife,watchinghimget

marriedandhavekidswithher?Really?That’sjustsad.Walkawayortellhimyouwanthim.Worst-
casescenario,yourfriendshipbecomesstrainedanddiessoonerratherthanlater.Youhavenothing
tolose.”Tristansneered.“Anddon’tkidyourself.You’lllosehimanywaywhenyoueventuallyget
sickofwatchinghimwithsomeoneelse.”Cockinghishead,Tristansaidsoftly,“Youalreadyfeelit,
don’tyou?Thebitterness,thejealousy,theugliness.”

Jamesswallowedandavertedhiseyes.Hewantedtodenyitbutcouldn’t.Hedidn’tlikethe

personhewasbecoming:someonewhoconstantlyliedtohidehisfeelings,someonewhoputona
smilewhenhefeltlikepunchingpeopleorcurlingupandcryinglikeababy.Someonewhofeltsick
andbitterwatchingthepersonhelovedbehappy.

Wasn’tlovesupposedtobeselfless?Hewasbetterthanthat.Wasn’the?
Wasn’the?
JameslookedatTristan.“Whyareyouhelpingme?Whyareyousoniceallofasudden?”
AfaintsmiletouchedTristan’sface.“I’mnotbeingnice.Tobehonest,Ifindithilariousthat

you,ofallpeople…”HelookedoverJames’sshoulder,presumablyatZach,andhisexpression
softenedandwarmed.“ButI’mtryingtobeabetterperson.It’sstillaworkinprogress,butit’seasier
tobeabetterpersonwhenyou’rehappy.”HelookedbackatJames.“Bitternessandjealousyaremy
oldfriends.Trustme,thelongeryouknowthemintimately,theuglieritgets.Cutyourlossesnow.”

Jamesopenedthedoorandleftwithoutsayingaword.
Outside,acoldgustofNovemberwindblewintohisface,bitingathisskinandmakinghiseyes

water.

Chapter7

“Youlookterrible,James.”
Jameslookedupfromthecupofteahewasnursing.Hismotherwaseyeinghimspeculatively.

Shecertainlydidn’tlookterrible.Asusual,notahairwasoutofplace,herlongblondlocksperfectly
coiffed.

“Ihaven’tsleptwell,”Jamesadmitted.HehadthoughtaboutTristan’swordstheentirenight.He

hadn’tcometoanydecision,andhisownindecisivenessfrustratedhim.

“I’mnotsurprised,”Barbarasaidwithasharplookatherhusbandseatedattheotherendofthe

table.“Yourfatherdoesn’tunderstandthatyou’restillayoungmanwhoneedsregularworkinghours
andrest—”

“Donotcoddlehim,Barbara,”ArthurGraysonsaidcoldly,withoutlookingupfromhis

newspaper.“He’shardlyaboy.He’stwenty-twoyearsold,andit’stimeforhimtoassumesome
responsibilityinthefamilybusiness.”

“Ifyouknewyoursonatall,youwouldknowheisn’tinterestedinthefamilybusiness,”

Barbararetorted.

“He’saGrayson,”Arthursaid.
“AndIregretiteveryday,”BarbaramutteredloudenoughforArthurtohear.
Arthursimplyraisedagrayingeyebrow,hissharpeyespausingonhiswifebeforesettlingon

hisson.Jamesstraightenedinhischair.Arthursaidnothingforamoment,simplyregardinghimin
silence.

“James,IwillbeatthePalaceofWestminsteruntilafternoon,”hesaidatlast.“I’msureyoucan

handlethemeetingwithRichardWhitfordwithoutme.”

Jamestriedandfailedtosuppressagrimace.Businessnegotiationshadneverbeenhisstrongest

suit,andRichardWhitford,thebillionaireandownerofWhitfordIndustries,wasn’taneasymanto
dealwith.

Barbarasaid,“Don’tmakethatface,darling.You’llgetearlywrinkles.”TurningtoArthur,she

bitout,“Youcannotbeserious.Thatmanisacriminal.Jamesshouldnotbehandlinghimonhis
own.”

UsuallyJameshatedhismother ’soverbearingcoddling,butthistimehewelcomedit.Hewasin

nostateofmindtodealwithRichardWhitfordnow.

However,Arthurwasundeterred.“Jamesshouldlearntodealwithsuchmenwithoutmyholding

hishand.Besides,Jamesisfriendswithhisson.Thatshouldmakeeverythingeasier.”

Barbaralaughed.“Thatshowshowcluelessyouare.Lukeisasweetboy,buthebearslittle

resemblancetohiscriminalofafather.”

“Whitfordisnotacriminal.He’soneofthewealthiestmeninEurope.”
Barbarasnorted.“HehasdealingswiththeItalianandRussianmafia.Everyoneknowsit.”
“Untilit’sprovenotherwise,itisnothingbutamaliciousrumor,”Arthursaid.“Andcease

interferinginbusinessmatters.Theydon’tconcernyou.”

“Everythingthatconcernsmysonconcernsme.”
“I’msureJameswoulddisagreewithit.James?”
“Yes,honey,tellyourfatherthatyourmotherisright.”
Jameswishedhecouldclamphishandsoverhisearsandpretendthiswasn’thappening.
Helookedfromoneparenttotheother.Withasinkingfeeling,herealizedtheyheldabsolutely

noaffectionforeachotheranymore.Theyusedto;butnowtherewasnothingleftbuthostilityand
bitterness.

Hedidn’twanttobelikethem.
Hedidn’twanttoturnintothem.
Jamesstoodupandsaid,“Ihavetogo.”
Ignoringhisparents,hestrodeoutoftheroom—outofthehouse—andgotintohiscar.
HeknewitwasRyan’sdayoff.HewouldlikelystillbeatZach’splace,maybeevenasleep.It

wasn’tideal,buthecouldn’twaitanylonger.Ifhedid,hewouldlosehisnerve.

Maybethetruthwoulddestroytheirfriendship.Maybe.Probably.Butitwasstillbetterthan

emulatinghisparents’exampleandturningintoabitterpersonlivingalie.

Hecouldn’t.
Hewouldn’t.

Chapter8

“Ryan,getup.”
Ryanburroweddeeperintothepillows.“Shutthedoorfromtheotherside.I’msleepingtill

noon.It’smydayoff.”

“Yoursecondhalfwantstotalktoyou.”
RyanforcedhiseyesopenandfixedthemonTristanblearily.“Jamie’shere?Now?”
Tristanraisedhiseyebrows,anamusedexpressionappearingonhisface.“Itmustbetoughtobe

hisgirlfriend,Hannah.”

Hannahlaughed,comingoutofthebathroom.Shewasalreadydressed,hermakeupimmaculate.

“I’musedtotheirverymanlyplatoniclove,”shesaid.“IwouldhavebeenextremelyjealousifI
wasn’tsureRyanwouldpukeifsomeoneforcedhimtotouchJamesthatway.Ithinktheirbromance
iscute.”

Stretching,Ryansatup.“We’renotcute,”hegrumbled,tryingtoshakethesleepoff.“Menare

notcute.Andunlessyouwanttogetaneyeful,getoutofmyroom,Tristan.”

TristangaveRyan’sbarechestascrutinizinglook.“You’rereallyveryhot.”
Ryanstaredathim.“Thanks?”
“You’rewelcome,”Tristansaid,asifhewastalkingabouttheweather.“I’llhaveyouknowI

haveextremelyhighstandards.IfZachwasn’tZach,I’dshagyou.”

Ryansnortedalaugh.“IfIwereevenalittleintoblokes,I’dshagyou,too.You’refarprettier

thanHannah.”

“Hey!”Hannahsaid,laughing.
“What?It’strue,”Ryansaid.
HannahlookedatTristanandgrinned.“Okay,there’snoshameinbeinglessprettythan

Tristan.”

Tristangavethemapinchedlook.“Stop.Juststop.”
“Don’tpretendtobeoffended,”Ryansaid,smirking.“I’veheardZachcallyoudollfacemany

times,whichiswayworse.”

ThelookTristangavehimwasverysweetandverypoisonous.“You’renotZach.Onlyhecan

getawaywithcallingmeridiculousthings.Nowgetyourbehindoutofbedanddon’tmakeyour
preciousJamiewait.”

“Justsendhimupstairs,”Ryansaid,lettingthesheetsfalltohisfeetasheclimbedoutofthebed.

“Hey!”Tristansaid,flushingandturningaway.
“Ididwarnyou.”RyangaveHannahagoodbyekissbeforedisappearingintothebathroom.
Aquickshowerlater,hewrappedatowelaroundhishipsandemergedoutofthebathroom.
HannahandTristanweregone.Jamiestoodbythewindow,lookingatthebackyard.
Ryancametoahalt,frowningashetookinthetensesetofJamie’sshoulders.“Jamie?”
HisfriendturnedaroundandtheexpressiononhisfacedidnothingtoalleviateRyan’salarm.

“Weneedtotalk.”

Ryanletoutalaugh.“Areyoubreakingupwithme?”
Jamiedidn’tsmile.Ifanything,thebleaklookinhiseyesonlyworsened.“I…”hesaidbefore

avertinghisgaze.“Pleasegetdressedfirst.”

Frowningdeeper,Ryanquicklyputonsomesweatpantsandat-shirt.WhatwasJamieeven

doinghereatthishour?Ryanmighthavethedayoff,butJamiedefinitelydidn’t.

“Well?”hesaidwhenhewasfullyclothed.
“I’vebeenlyingtoyouaboutsomething,”Jamiesaid.
Ryanletoutaharshlaugh.“Youdoknowthatthisisn’tanybetterthan‘weneedtotalk,’right?”
AweaksmilecurledJamie’slipsforamoment.“Iknow.AndI’msorry.”
“Forlying?”Ryansaid.
“ForlyingandforwhatI’mabouttotellyou.”
Ryanshovedhisclenchedfistsintothepocketsofhissweatpants.“Apologizingbeforetelling

mewhatyou’reapologizingforisjustcheap.Justspillit.”

Jamiecaughthisbottomlipbetweenhisteeth.“I…”
“Justspillit,Jamie,”Ryansaidtestily,fearsettlinglowinhisgut.“Areyouill?Isitsomething

serious?”

Jamieblinked.“What?No!”
Ryanbreathedout.“Thenwhatisit,youwanker?Youfuckingscaredme.”
Jamiereturnedtoworryinghislip.
“YouknowIloveyou,”hesaidawkwardly.
Ryansighed.“Iloveyou,too,mate.Sowhatisit?”
Hislipspursing,JamielookedawaybeforelookingRyandeadintheeye.“No,Iloveyou.”
Ryan’sgutsshriveledintoahardknot.
Jamiecouldn’tpossiblymean…that.
ButthelongerhestaredatJamie,wholookedverypaleandverybrave,anyremaininghopethat

Jamiemeantsomethingelsedisappeared.

Hisjawworking,Ryanturnedhisfaceaway,tryingtogatherhischaoticthoughtsintosome

semblanceoforder.ThelastthingJamieneededrightnowwastoseehowmuchhiswordshad
freakedhimout.Though,ifhewerehonestwithhimself,therewasapartofhimthatwasn’tallthat
surprised.Afterthatnightseveralweeksago,afterthesheerneedinessinJamie’skisses,afterJamie’s
dejectedwordsafterward,thethoughthadcrossedRyan’smindonceortwice.Hehaddiscardeditas
ridiculousatthetime.

Itstillseemedridiculous.JamiewasJamie,forfuck’ssake.Hisbestmate.Someonehealways

consideredalittlebrotherwhoneededhisprotection.Jamiewasn’tsupposedtowantthatfromhim.

“Saysomething,”Jamiesaid,hisvoicerough.
Ryanforcedhimselftolookathim.“Forfuck’ssake,stoplookingatmelikeI’mabouttokick

youout.”

HisharshtonedidnothingtoerasethefearandmiseryfromJamie’sface.Theaquamarineeyes

widened.Jamietookastepback.

“Sorry,”Ryansaid,histonesofter,rakingahandthroughhishairinfrustration.“I’mnotangry

—notatyou.”Hewasangrywiththeentiresituation.Andhewasangrywithhimself.Howcouldhe
havebeensoblind?Nowthatheknew,lookingback,hecouldseethelittleinconsistenciesinJamie’s
behavior.

Jamiewantedhim.Jamiewasinlovewithhim.Jamiewasmiserablebecauseofthat.
Becauseofhim.
Ryanfeltlikepunchingsomething.Buttherewasnothingtopunch.Itwasn’tasituationwithan

easyfix.Hecouldn’ttellJamiethateverythingwouldbeallright.Hecouldn’tdoanythingtomakeit
allright.Hewasstraight.Hehadanamazinggirlfriendhewashappywith.Hegenuinelydidn’tsee
Jamiethatwayatall.

TherewasnothinghecoulddoforJamie.
“Areyousure?”Ryansaid,hisvoicelikegrittysandpaper.Thiswastheworstthingthatcould

happentothem.

“Yeah,”Jamiesaid,barelyaudibly.“Pleasedon’thateme.”
Swearingthroughhisteeth,RyanclosedthedistancebetweenthemandenvelopedJamieina

tighthug.“Idon’thateyou,youprat,”hesaid,buryinghisnoseintoJamie’shair.“Don’tyouever
thinkthat.”

“I’msorry,”Jamiewhispered.“Ifuckedup.Ididn’tmeanto—itjusthappened.”
Ryanpulledbackalittletolookhimintheeye.“Don’tyoudareblameyourselfforloving

someone.”Heforcedoutateasingsmile.“Noonecanblameyouforyourexcellenttaste.”

AghostofasmiletouchedJamie’slips,buthiseye-rollwashalf-heartedatbest.Hiseyeswere

stillshiny,hisfaceverypale.TheknowledgethathewastheonewhohadputthatlookonJamie’s
facemadehimsicktohisstomach.

Settinghisjaw,RyancradledJamie’sfaceinhishands.“Listen,”hesaid,holdingJamie’sgaze

intently.“IpromiseyouI’lldowhateverittakestofixthis.Ifyouwantto,I’llfindyouthebest
boyfriendintheworld.Someoneyoucanfallinloveandbehappywith.Howdoesthatsound,
mmm?”

ThesmileJamiegavehimwasalittleshaky.Ryantoldhimselfitwasbetterthannothing.
“Youdon’thavetodoanything,”Jamiesaid.“Ididn’ttellyouthatbecauseIexpectedyoutodo

something.”Jamiesmiledbrighter.“It’snotyourfaultI’manidiot.I’llbefine—”

“Stopit,”Ryansaid.“Don’tpretendit’sokay.”
“It’snotokay,”Jamiesaid.HesmiledatRyan,alittlebrokenly,asifhehadnocluewhatthat

smilewasdoingtohim.“It’snot.ButI’mnotthefirstorthelastpersonintheworldtolovesomeone
Ican’thave.I’mnotsurewhatIexpectedwhenIdecidedtotellyou.ButIdidn’texpectanythingfrom
you.Iknowyoudon’tlovemethatway.Iknowyouloveher,thatyou’rehappywithher.”Jamie’s
eyeswerealittletoobright.“Nothinghastochange.Just…justdon’texpectmetobeyourbestman
whenyoumarryher,okay?Ican’tdoit,notevenforyou.”

Ryanfeltlikethegroundmovedbeneathhisfeet.HecouldonlywatchJamielieonceagainthat

hewouldbefine,forceoutanothersmileandleave.Ryanstood,unmoving,anacidchurningdeepin
thepitofhisstomach,andhefoughttheimpulsetoretchandbreaksomething.

Laterthatnight,hedidn’tmakelovetoHannah.Hefuckedher,hardandrough,pouringoutall

hisfrustrationandanger,Jamie’sshaky,forcedsmilebeforehiseyes.Whenshecame,moaningand
shudderingaroundhim,hepulledout,rolledoutofthebed,andwenttothebathroom.

Hestaredathisnakedbodyinthemirror,athisheavingchestandharddick.Hethoughtofall

thosetimeshehadunthinkingly,unknowinglyhurtJamie,flauntinghowhappyhewaswithHannah.
OfallthosetimeshetoldJamiethathelovedHannah.OfallthosetimeshekissedHannahinfrontof
him.OfallthosebrightsmilesJamiegavehimafterward.

Ryanslammedhisfistinthemirror.

Chapter9

SometimesJameswasn’tsurewhethertellingRyanabouthisfeelingshadmadeeverything

betterorworse.Itwasbetterinthesensethathedidn’thavetolieallthetimeandpretendtobehappy
whenhefeltlikeshit.ItwasbetterinthesensethatRyanhadstoppedflauntinghowhappyhewaswith
Hannah.

Butinotherways,itwasmuch,muchworse.BecausehecouldfeelRyan’spity,Ryan’sguilt,the

effortRyanmadetokeeptheirrelationshipnodifferentfrombefore.Anditwasbloodyawful.
SometimesJamesfeltlikeyellingatRyanthathedidn’tneedhispity,thathewasn’tafragilevasethat
wouldbreakatanymentionofHannah.OthertimeshecouldbarelystophimselffromkissingRyan,
becausehewassodamngoodtohim,alwaysoverprotective,wantingtoshieldJamiefromanyhurt
andharm,evenifhewastheonewhoultimatelyhurthim.

“Isitjustme,orisRyanplayingthematchmaker?”Lukesaid,tearinghimawayfromhis

thoughts.

Jamessighed.Thiswasanotherchangefortheworse:Ryanwasdeterminedtofindhima

boyfriendwhowouldmakeJamesforgetallabouthim.IntheweekssincehehadtoldRyan
everything,RyanhadallbutforcedhimtodumpFred,knowingthatJamesdidn’tcareforhim,and
pushedhimtowardthreedifferentblokes,allhand-pickedbyRyan.Lukewasthefourthluckysod.

JamesliftedhisgazefromhisbeertolookatLukeacrossthetable.Unlikehispredecessors,

Lukewasactuallyaguyheknewverywellandliked.Jamesconsideredhimaclosefriend—notas
closeasRyan,ofcourse,butstill.HeandLukehadsharedthesamecircleofacquaintancesforas
longashecouldremember.Asthesoleheirsoftheirrespective,obscenelyrichfamilies,they
understoodeachotherwell.Lukewasthe“sweetboy”Barbarahadbeenreferringtowhenshe
accusedLuke’sfatherofbeingacriminal.WhatBarbaradidn’tknowwasthatLukewasgayanddeep
inthecloset,justlikeherson—whichwassomethingshewasalsostillobliviousabout.Lukewasthe
onlypersonwho’dknownabouthimbeinggayforyears.

“Yeah,”Jamesadmittedwithagrimace.“Justignoreit,allright?Ikeeptellinghimtostop

pushingmenatme,butyouknowRyan.Ifhesetshismindonsomething,nothingcanstophim.He’s
determinedtofindmetheperfectboyfriend.”

Luke’sgoldeneyebrowscrawledupward.“IguessIshouldbeflatteredhepickedmeasa

candidate,then.”

Jamessmiledathim.“Ryanmightbestraight,butheisn’tblind.”Lukedefinitelywasalooker.

Evenhisenormousinheritanceaside,hewasacatch.Hehaddarkgoldenhair,deepchocolate-brown
eyes,perfectbonestructure,andflawlessskin.Theonlyimperfectionwashismouth,whichlooked
toobigforhisface,theupperlipfullerthanthebottomone.Lukewasafewinchesshorterand
slighterinbuildthanJamesbutveryfit.Helookedgoodandheknewit.

“Why,thankyou,”Lukesaid,winkingathim.“Youaren’thalf-badyourself.”
NowonderRyanmistooktheirmeaninglessflirtingforsomethingitwasn’t.Beingstraight,

Ryanprobablycouldn’tseethattherewasnorealchemistrybetweenJamesandLuke.Theyhadbeen
eachother ’sfirstkiss,buttheyhadneverbeenallthatattractedtooneanother,evenwhentheywere
hormonalteenagers.

“I’mnotbadenoughforyou,”Jamessaidwithasoftchuckle.Luke’sthingforbadboyswas

well-documented.

Lukegroaned.“Idon’tpickthemonpurpose.Itjusthappens.”
“Yeah,sure.Whateveryousay.”JamespulledhisphoneoutandshotaquicktexttoRyan.
Youcan’tbetakingaleakforanhour.Ifyouthinkyou’rebeingsubtle,you’renot.

Ryanreturnedtotheirsecludedcornerinthepubfiveminuteslaterandactuallyhadthenerveto

lookdispleasedwhenhesawhowfarapartJamesandLukeweresitting.

Takingonelookathisface,Lukestartedlaughing.“Youwereatthepubacrosstheroad,

weren’tyou?”

Ryandidn’tevencrackasmile.Jameshadnoticedthathismoodwasgettingworsewiththe

continuedfailureofhismatchmakingefforts.Jameswasn’tsurewhattothinkofit:hestilltriednotto
betooobviousabouthisfeelingsinordertomakeRyanmorecomfortable,butRyan’smoodseemed
tobedarkeningregardlessofthat.Jameshadeventriedtopretendtobeenamoredwiththeprevious
guyRyanhadpushedathim,butRyanhadseenthroughhisbullshitimmediatelyandtheyhadabig,
uglyfight.Itlookedliketheyweregoingtohaveanotheronetonight.

Sighing,Jamesdecidedtheyhadbettergetsomewhereprivatefirst.Hemadetheirexcuseswhile

Ryanremainedsilentandstony-facedbyhisside.Theyleftthepubinsilence.

JamesdrovewhileRyanlookedoutthesidewindow.God,thesilencebetweenthemhadnever

feltsouncomfortableandsuffocating.

TheyenteredRyan’sflatstillinsilence.
Jamessatdownonthecouch.
Ryansatnexttohim.
Neitherofthemlookedattheotherandtheydidn’tspeakforalongtime.
Atlast,Ryansaidtonelessly,“Itisn’tworking,isit?”
Jamesstareddownathishands.“No.”
Hewasn’tsurewhattheyweretalkingabout:Ryan’smatchmakingorthefactthattheir

relationshipwasslowlycrumblingdespitetheirbestefforts.Maybeboth.

Hiseyesstinging,Jamesbittheinsideofhischeek.Wasthishowitwasdestinedtoend?Bothof

themgettingmoreandmorefrustratedwitheachother,becausetheywereunabletoletgowhenthey
shouldhave?Afriendshipwithoneofthefriendsinunrequitedlovewiththeothercouldneverwork.
Couldneverlast.ThiswaswhatTristanhadmeant.He’dbeenright.

“Thisispointless,”hewhispered.“Weshouldjust…”
HeheardRyantakeashakybreathbeforesuddenlyhehadRyan’sarmaroundhim.Ryan’snose

pressedagainsthistemple.“No,”Ryansaid,angerandfrustrationclearinhisvoice.“No,Jamie.”

Jamesclosedhiseyes,wonderingwhythingscouldn’tbesimple.“Maybeitwouldbeforthe

best,”hesaidaroundthelumpinhisthroat.“Beforewestarthatingeachother.”

“No,”Ryanbitoff,hisbreathhotonJames’scheek.

Heshivered.“Ryan—”
“Isaidno.”ThehumorinRyan’svoicecouldn’thavebeenmoreforcedashesaid,“I’dhateto

havetotrainanewbestfriendafterwastingsomanyyearsonyou.”

“Ryan—”
“No.”Ryannuzzledhischeek,andwhenhespoke,therewasnothingbutrawhonestyinhis

voice.“YoudoknowIloveyou,right?”

Jamesstaredinfrontofhim,unseeing.God,didn’tRyanrealizehowmuchworsehiswords

madehimfeel?Itwaslikeseeingatantalizingglimpseofwhat-could-have-beenifthingshadbeen
justalittledifferentifonlyRyanhadbeenevenalittlebi-curious.HeknewRyanwasasattachedto
himashewastoRyan.Theonlydifferencebetweenthemwastheirsexuality:whilehisattachmenthad
shiftedintoasexual,romanticone,Ryan’sremainedplatonicandbrotherly—butitdidn’tmeanitwas
weakerorless.

“Ryan—”hetried,buthisfriendcuthimoffagain.
“Iloveyou,youprat,”Ryansaidharshly,hisstubblemakingJamieshiver.“Iwon’tletthisfuck

usup.I’mnotgivingyouup.”HisarmtightenedaroundJamie’sshoulders.Ryanlaughedshortly.“I
don’tfuckingknowhowto.”Ryan’slipsbrushedhisjawandJamesheardhimselfmakeasmall
sound:amoan.

Theybothwentstill.
Fuck.Howbloodymortifying.
“Isthisturningyouon?”Ryansaidneutrally,asifhewastalkingabouttheweather.
Jameshuffedoutanawkwardlaugh.“I’musedtoit.Youhavenoconceptofpersonalspace.At

thispoint,Spockwouldbejealousofmyself-control.”

“Geek,”Ryansaid,hisvoicebrimmingwithaffection.“Youandyourobscuresciencefiction

references.WhoevenwatchesStarTrekanymore?”Hekissedhimonthejawagain.

Jamesgrittedhisteeth.“Youdorealizethatkissingmyfaceisn’taverystraightthingtodo?”
“HaveIevercaredaboutbullshitlikethat?”
No,andthat’swhatgotusintothispredicamentinthefirstplace.
“Maybeyoushould,”Jamessaidtersely.“You’dbetterstopnowifyoudon’twanttoendupwith

mytongueinyourmouth.”

“Beenthere,donethat,”Ryansaidwithachuckle.“Wait,didyoupretendtobeabadkissertoget

mekissyou?Thatwasverydeviousofyou.”

Jamespunchedhimintheabs,butRyandidn’tevenflinch,grinningagainsthischeek.“You’re

blushing,Jamiebear.Youtotallydid,didn’tyou?”

“Iwasdrunk,”Jamessaid,lookingdownathishandsandtryingtoignoreRyan’smaddening

proximity.“Mycontrolwascompromised.”

Hehalf-expectedRyantomakefunofhimforchannelingSpockagain,buthecouldfeelRyan’s

grindisappear.

“You’vealwayskeptyourguarduparoundme,”Ryansaidwithoutanyinflectioninhisvoice.

“AndInevernoticed.”

Jameswinced.“Ihadto.OrI’dbemolestingyouateveryturn.”
Ryanwassilent,hiswarmbreathbrushingJames’sear.God.WhenRyanwassoclose,allhe

wantedwastocrawlintoRyan’slap,teartheirclothesoffand—Fuck,hemustgetagrip.Hewasn’t
drunknow.Hehadnoexcusenow.

“Jamie,”Ryansaid.“Idon’tgiveashit.Molestme—Idon’tfuckingcare.I’dtakethatoveryou

beingconstantlyonguardaroundme.”

AshortlaughleftJames’slips.“Iappreciatethesentiment,butyouhavenoideawhatyou’re

talkingabout.”

ItwasRyan’sturntolaugh.“Noidea?Please.I’mnottheonewho’skissedthreepeopleinmy

life.”

“Youstilldon’tgetit.”
“Ido,youtosser.”
Withafrustratedsigh,Jamesturnedhisheadandslammedtheirlipstogether.Itwasmeanttobe

alessonforRyan,buthewasn’tpreparedforhowmuchitwouldshakehim.Abroken,desperate
moantoreoutofhisthroatandheplungedhistongueintoRyan’smouth,foundRyan’stongueand
suckedonit,greedy,hungry,sohungry.Itfeltlikehe’dbeenthirstyforcenturies,foreons,andGod,
God—Hewhimpered,suckingRyan’stonguedeeperintohismouth,shakingwithwant—literally
shaking.WhenRyan’sarmswrappedtightlyaroundhim,Jamiecompletelylostit,allbutcrawling
intoRyan’slapandrubbingagainsthimlikeahornycat.Asmall,distantpartofhimwashorrified—
Ryanmustbedisgusted—buthecouldn’tstop.Heneededthis,neededhim;he’dbeenstarvedforhim
foryearsandyearsandyears.Ithurt.Itactuallyhurt,hisballsachingandpainful,hiscocksostiffhe
couldn’tthinkstraight,alltheyearsofrepresseddesirefinallyout,likeadambroken,unleashedand
unstoppable.Ahalf-moan,half-soboffrustrationbrokefromhimashewilledhimselftostopand
breathe.HewasshakinginRyan’sarms,literallyshaking,unabletocalmdown.Hewanted.God,he
wanted.

“Jesus,Jamie,”Ryansaid,holdinghimclosewithonearmwhiletheother—
TheotherhandpressedbetweenJames’slegs.Jamesflinchedwithhisentirebody,hisglazed

eyesgoingwideashetriedtofocusthemonRyan’sface.“Whatareyoudoing—”

Hisjawset,Ryanignoredhishalf-heartedprotestsandunzippedhisjeansswiftly.WhenRyan’s

handwrappedaroundhisengorgedcock—fuckfuckfuck—rationalthoughtandanyremaining
protestsfellaway.Withalongmoan,JamesburiedhisfaceagainstRyan’sneckandcouldonlyhold
onasRyanstartedstrokinghim,awkwardlyatfirst,thenwithmoreconfidence,harder,squeezing
himjustright,andfuck.ThiswasRyan,hisRyan,his—

JamessankhisteethintoRyan’sneck,needingtohavehismouthonRyan,needingtotastehim,

andwantingtomuffletheshameless,inhumansoundshewasmaking—moansthatwouldmakeany
whoreproud.Hecouldn’tcontrolthematall.Itwaspleasuresointensethatitslicedhimwhenhe
moved,andJamescouldn’thelptryingtoholdstillsothatitwouldbekeener.

“Yeah,that’sit,”Ryansaid,strokinghisotherhandalongJames’sbackwhilehisrighthand

continuedpumpingJames’scockhard,almostbrutally,hisgripperfect,justright,andJames’shead
wasspinning,buthecouldn’t—hecouldn’t—

“Comeon,”RyanmurmuredintoJames’sear,hisbreathhot.HishandsqueezedJames’sleaking

cock,hard.“Comeon,Jamie.Youneedit.Letmetakecareofyou.”

Thewordsjoltedthroughhiminashiver,andJamiearched,tossedhisheadback,andhewas

coming,hismouthopeninginasilentmoan,Ryan’shandaroundhiscock,everythingwhitebehind
hiseyelids,insidehishead:trembling,blindingwhite.Waveafterwaveafterwave,mindblanking.
God.

God.
Afterwhatfeltlikeasmalleternity,hecouldthinkagain.Hecouldseeagain.
AndhesawRyanstaringathimwiththestrangestexpression.
Butsoon,theoddlookwasgone.Ryansmiledathimcrookedly.“Feelingbetternow?”
Groaning,Jamescoveredhisfacewithhishands.“Someonekillmenow.”
Ryanchuckled.“Notbeforeyoufetchmesomethingtocleanthismess.”
JamespeekedthroughhisfingersandfeltevenhisearsturnhotwhenhesawRyanstudyinghis

ownhand—thehandcoveredinJames’scome—withapinchedlook.

ThenherealizedhewasstillsittinginRyan’slapwithhiscockout.Hischeekshot,James

fumbledtotuckhiscockbackintohisjeans,jumpedoffRyan’slap,andmadeabeelineforthe
bathroom.

Oncethere,heleanedoverthesinkandstaredathisownflushedfaceinthemirror,breathing

likehe’djustrunamarathon.

Fuck.
Whathadhedone?Whatnow?
Hedidn’tknowhowlonghe’dstoodtherewhentherewasaknockonthedoor.Beforehecould

react,itopened.

“Youdonefreakingoutandblamingyourself?”Ryansaid,walkingoverandwashinghishands

—hislong,strongfingersthathadbeenwrappedaroundJames’sdickafewminutesago.

Dryinghishandswithatowel,Ryanglancedathim.“I’veneverseenyouturnthisshadeofred.”
TherewasafaintmarkonRyan’sneck—fromJames’steethandlips.
“Ihavetogo,”Jamessaid,turningaroundswiftlyandheadingoutofthebathroom.
“Jamie.”
Jamestookadeepbreathandturnedtofacehimagain.
Ryansteppedcloserandlookedathimcarefully.“Areyouembarrassed?”
“Whatdoyouthink?”Jamessaidwithanawkwardlaugh.
“Areyouembarrassed?”Ryanrepeated,histonecalmandfirm.Hisfacebetrayednothing.
“OfcourseIam,”Jamessaid.“I’mfuckingmortified.Imolestedyou.”
ThelookRyangavehimmadehimfeellikeanidiot.“Idon’tfeelmolested.Icouldhavestopped

youatanymoment.Youdidn’tforcemetoputmyhandonyourprick.IfI’mnotfreakingout,you
sureashellshouldn’tbe.”

James’slipstwistedintohalfagrimace,halfasmile.“Don’tpretenditdidn’tweirdyououtat

all.Iwon’tbelieveyou.”

Ryan’sgreeneyesglistenedwithamusement.“Itwas…interesting.Different,butfamiliar.”He

shrugged.“What’salittlehelpbetweenfriends?”Hesmiledalittle.“Anditwasflatteringashell.”

“Ireally,reallyhateyou,”Jamessaid.
Ryan’ssmirkdisappeared,hisfacesobering.“Stopfreakingout,”hesaidfirmly,layingahand

onJames’sshoulderandclaspingit.“Yes,itwasabitstrange,butitwasn’tabigdeal.Really.”He
lookedJamesintheeye.“Iknowwhatyou’rethinking,butitwasn’tpityorafavor.Ijustcan’twatch
youhurtanddonothing.Inevercould.Iknowyouhatebeingcoddled,butIalwaysfeellike—likeI
needtobetakingcareofyou.AndwhenIcan’t,itfuckingeatsatme,Jamie.”Ryan’slipsthinnedfora
moment.“Alltheseweeks,I’vefeltbloodyuseless,becauseIcouldn’tdoanything.”

Jameslickedhislips.OfcourseheknewaboutRyan’sthingforprotectinghim.Ithadbeenlike

thatfromtheverybeginningoftheirfriendship.Whenhewasakid,Jameshadbeenprettyclueless
abouttherealworldoutsidehugemansions.Ryanhadtaughthimthingsheneededtoknow—howto
throwagoodpunch,howtopassforanormalboyandsurviveinroughneighborhoods—andhe’d
alwaysbeenprotectiveofhim,thoughnotintheannoyingwayJames’smotherwas.Ryanusually
tendedtoholdback,trustinghimtomakehisownlittlemistakesandlearnfromthem,butwhenit
mattered,Ryanalwayswasthere,readytocatchhimifhestumbled.Jameshadlonghadasneaking
suspicionthatRyanactuallyenjoyedsweepinginandsavingtheday,knowingthatRyanprobably
reinedinhisprotectiveinstinctsonlybecauseheknewhowmuchJamesdislikedhismother ’s
coddling.WhatRyandidn’tknow—andJameshadnointentionofenlighteninghim—washowmuch
heloveditwhenRyanwastheonebeingoverprotectiveofhim.Thatwarmedthepartofhimthatfelt
likehewasRyan’s,whichwas…okay,probablynotaveryhealthywayofthinkingofoneself.

Jamessmiledwryly.“Igetit,butthat’stakingitabittoofar.”Heclearedhisthroat.“Anyway,I

justwantedtoteachyoualessonandgotabitcarriedaway.”Thatwasprobablytheunderstatementof

thecentury.“It’snevergoingtohappenagain,soIguessitdoesn’tmatter.Let’sjustpretenditnever
happened.Let’sforgetaboutit.”

Anexpressionhecouldn’tquitereadflashedthroughRyan’seyes.Ryanstudiedhimfora

momentbeforenoddingandsteeringhimoutofthebathroom.“Let’s.”

WhenJameslookedsidewaysatRyan,hesawnothingbutfirmdeterminationandresolveinthe

setofhischiseledjaw.

Chapter10

Hannah’sfacelookedevenlovelierwhensheslept,herlongpalehairalloverthepillowand

herback.

Ryan’sgazetraveleddownhernakedbacktoherflawlesspalebuttocksandlonglegs.
Shelookedpeaceful,anairofcontentmentaboutherafterthesex.
Heshouldbeequallycontent.Buthewasn’t.
“Let’sjustpretenditneverhappened,”Jamie’swordsechoedinhismind.“Let’sforgetabout

it.”

Ryan’slipstwisted.AsifhewaslikelytoforgetaboutJamie’sturningintoashakingmessof

desireinhislap.Thesheerforceofthatdesire,thatneed,hadbeenstaggering.Ithadlooked
downrightpainful.DespiteknowingforweeksthatJamiewantedhimthatway,therewasknowing,
andthentherewasknowing.KnowingrationallythatJamiewantedhimwasonething;havingseen
Jamie’sflushed,euphoricfaceafterhecame—afterhehadmadehimcome—wascompletelyanother.

Hedidn’tknowwhyhecouldn’tstopthinkingaboutit.Hedidn’tknowwhyhewasdownright

obsessingoverit.He’dmadecountlesswomencome.ButJamie…SeeingthatlookonJamie’sface
twistedhiminunexpectedways.Itmadehimuncomfortable,becauseitwassomethinginsanely
private,somethingonlyloversweresupposedtosee,butatthesametime…helikedit.Hefucking
likedit.ThatblissedoutlookonJamie’sfacepushedsomeweird,twistedbuttonsdeepinsidehimhe
hadn’tevenknownhehad.Maybehelikeditbecauseitwassoinsanelyprivate.Ryanknewhewasone
greedybastardwhenitcametoJamie:healwayswantedtoknoweverythingabouthim,hisevery
thoughtandeveryemotion.

Itstilldidn’texplainwhyhewasstillthinkingaboutitwhilehewasinbedwiththewomanhe

wasinlovewith.

Sighing,Ryanstretchedoutonhisbackandclosedhiseyes.
Itwasn’tasthoughhesuddenlysawJamiethatway.Hedidn’t.Althoughhewouldneveradmitit

toJamie,RyanhadfeltabitlikeapervertwhenhejerkedJamieoff.Hefeltlikehewastouchinghis
twin’sdick.ButthelookofpureblissandpleasureonJamie’sface…Ryancouldn’teraseitfromhis
mindnomatterhowhardhetried.

Bloodyhell.
Ryanrubbedhisface.Hecouldonlyhopethatwhathappenedyesterdaywouldn’tmakethings

strainedbetweenthem—morestrainedthantheyalreadywere.Becauseattheendoftheday,hestill

hadnosolutionforJamie’ssituation.Ifanything,theincidenthadmadeitobvioushowhopelessit
was.

Hesighed.
Besidehim,Hannahstirredalittle.“Whyaren’tyouasleep?”shemurmured,puttingherhand

onhischest.

“Can’tsleep,”hesaid,withoutopeninghiseyes.“Youknowhowwhenyou’reworriedabout

something,it’simpossibletoshutyourbrainoff?”

“IsitaboutJames?”
Ryanopenedhiseyes.
Hefoundherwatchinghim,idlycurlingalockofherblondhairaroundhisfinger.Itwasa

shadedarkerthanJamie’s.

“Howdidyouknow?”
“Iknowyoudon’thaveanyproblemsatworkandwe’refine,sothatleavesonlyJames.”

Hannahlookedathimcuriously.“Ihaven’tseenhiminawhile,actually.Latelyyoudon’ttakeme
withyouwhenyouhangout.”

Ryanclosedhiseyesagain.
“It’snotmysecrettotell,”hesaid.Hedidn’tmindtellingHannahandgettingheropinion,butit

reallywasn’thisplacetotell.Jamiewouldn’twantHannahtoknow;hewastooproudforthat.He
wouldbehumiliatedifHannahfoundout.

Forthefirsttime,hewonderedwhetherHannahwouldconsideryesterday’sincidentcheatingif

hetoldheraboutit.Hedismissedthethoughtasunlikely.Hannahwasverysensibleand
understanding.Shewouldunderstand,probablyevenfeelsorryforJamie.Thethoughtmadehim
cringe.No,hedidn’twanthertoknow.Hannah’spitywouldcrushJamie.

“CanIaskyousomething?”shesaidsuddenly,curiosityplaininhervoice.
“Sure.”HewonderedwhatJamiewasdoingrightnow.
“Promisenottotakeitthewrongway.It’sacompletelyhypotheticalquestion.”
Hehopedthelittleidiotwasn’tblaminghimselfforwhathadhappenedyesterday.Butknowing

Jamie,thatwasexactlywhathewasdoing.

“Ryan?”
“Sure,love,”hesaidbelatedly.“Ipromise.”
“IfJameswereagirl,wouldhebeyourgirlfriend?”
Ryanopenedhiseyesandstaredather.Realizingthatshewasn’tjoking,hethrewhisheadback

andlaughed.“Whatkindofquestionisthat?”

Hannahsmiled.“Ahypotheticalone.JustimagineJamesasagirl.”
“Idon’twantJamietobeagirl,”Ryansaid.
“I’mnotsayingthat.Buthumorme,please.”
Chuckling,Ryandid.
Hiseyebrowsfurrowed.Themereideawas…strange.HeimaginedJamiewithlongerhairand

softerfacialfeatures—notmuchsofter,becauseJamiewaslovelyforablokealready.Heimagined
girl-Jamieinhislap,givinghimthoseneedy,shamelesskisses,needinghim,wetforhim—

“Thisisridiculous,”Ryansaidwithashortlaugh,turningtothewallandstaringatit.Fuck.

Whatthefuck.

“You’renofun,”Hannahsaidwithasigh.
IfJameswereagirl,wouldhebeyourgirlfriend?
Hannah’squestionranginhisearsandtheanswerswirledinhishead,confusinghimmore.
Because,inexplicably,theanswerwasyes.
“Whyareyouevenasking?”Ryanmanaged,hismindracing.

Yawning,Hannahturnedthelampoffandtheroomdescendedintodarkness.“SometimesIjust

wonder…”Sheyawnedagain.“Nevermind.Goodnight,baby.”

“Goodnight.”
Heclosedhiseyesandbreathedthroughhisgrittedteeth,stillaroused,incredulousandalittle

disgustedwithhimself.Thiswassick.Thethoughtofhisbestmatewithavaginashouldhavebeen
funny,notaturn-on.Christ,Jamiewaslikeabrothertohim.Couldthegenderreallychangehis
perceptionofhimsomuch?Or…washisattachmenttoJamielessplatonicthanhe’dalwaysassumed
ittobe?

Ryancutoffthattrainofthought.No.HelovedJamielikeabrother.Hecouldn’teventhink

aboutJamiethatway—itmadehimdeeplyuncomfortable.HewasinlovewithHannah.Yesterday’s
incidenthadjustmessedwithhisheadmorethanhe’dexpected,makinghimthinkstrangethoughts
andfixateonthingsheshouldn’t.Itdidn’tmatterwhathewouldhavedoneifJamie’sgenderwas
different.Wonderingabouthypothetical“whatifs”waspointless.Jamiewasmale,andRyandidn’t
wanthimtobeanythinghewasn’t.Hejustwantedhisfriendtobehappy.

No,heneededJamietobehappy.
Becausethetruthwas,nomatterhowmuchhelovedHannah,hedidn’tknowhowtobehappyif

Jamiewasn’t.

Apartofhimresentedit.Apartofhimwasirritatedbyit.
Buthecouldn’tchangeit.
Hannahwashislove,butshecouldn’tfillthatplaceinhisheartthathadbeenoccupiedever

sinceonepale,ridiculouslyposhboyhadimprintedonhimlikeababyduckandstartedfollowing
himaround.

Ryansmiledatthememory,arushofaffectiontighteninghisthroat.
“Iwon’tletyoudown,”hewhisperedintothedarknessoftheroom.He’dfindasolution.He

woulddohisdamnedesttofixeverything.

Byanymeansnecessary.

Chapter11

Aweeklater,ashestoodontheterraceofZach’shousewithabeerinhishand,Ryanwondered

iftherewasamorefuckedupmanintheworld.

Thedoorbehindhimopened.
“You’llcatchacold,”Hannahsaid.Forafewsecondsbeforesheclosedthedoor,hecouldhear

thesoundsoflaughterandthevoicesofhisfamily.Itwasn’tanyspecialoccasion.Oldhabitsjustdied
hard.WhenChristmaswasapproaching,theyalltendedtogravitatetowardZach’shouse.December
wasanunofficialfamilymonthintheHardawayclan.

“Ineverdo,”Ryansaidbeforetakinganothersip.“Butyoushouldgoinside.Itiscold.”
Loopingherarmsaroundhisneck,Hannahpulledhimdownandkissedhimonthelips.“Don’t

stayoutherelong,allright?You’llfreezeyourballsoff.Thatwouldbeashame.I’mratherfondof
them.”

Hechuckledandsmackedheronthebottomlightly.“Goinside.”
Laughing,sheleft.
Ryanreturnedtosippinghisbeerandwonderingwhatthehellwaswrongwithhim.
Theterracedooropenedandclosedagain.
“You’llcatchacold,”Jamiesaid.
Settingthebottledown,Ryanturnedhishead.Hesmiled.“Iwon’tifyoucomehereandwarm

meup,Jamiebear.”

Jamierolledhiseyes,hisnosescrunchingupadorably,butwalkedoverandletRyanpullhim

intohisarms.Hewaswarm,sowarm,andsmelledamazing,likeallofRyan’sfavoritethingsinthe
world.RyanburiedhisnoseinJamie’shairandsaid,“Youshouldprobablygoinside.Itreallyiscold
outhere.”Hedidn’twantJamietogo.

“I’mgood,”Jamiesaid,leaningbackintoRyan’schestforwarmth.
RyanrubbedhishandsupanddownJamie’sarms,coveredonlybyasoftcashmerepullover.

“Yousureyoudon’twantmetogograbyourjacket?”

“I’mnotcold,really,”Jamiesaid.“Whyareyouhidingfromeveryone?”
“I’mnothiding.”
Jamiedidn’tsayanythingforawhile.
Whenhespoke,hisvoicewasquiet,“Areyoufreakingoutbecauseofwhathappened?”
Ryansighed.“Itoldyou:I’mnotfreakingout.”AtleastnotaboutwhatJamiethought.

“Right,”Jamiesaid,histoneskeptical.“Thenwhat’stheproblem?You’vebeenalittleweird

since…”

“SinceIhelpedyouout?”
Jamieletoutalaugh.“Yeah.Sinceyouhelpedmeout.Ifyouaren’tfreakingout,whyhaveyou

beenlookingatmeoddly?”

“Ihave?”Ryansaid,strokingJamie’sarmsafterafreezingblastofwindmadeJamieshiver.
“Youhave.”
Ryanalmostlaughed.HecouldhardlytellJamiethatwhenhelookedathim,hekept

rememberingeitherhiscreepyfantasiesorthewayJamie’sfacelookedafterhe’dcome.Sometimes
hehatedhisbrain.Allweek,hehadtriedtocastthosestrangethoughtsoutofhismind,butas
someonesaid,oncesomethingwasthought,itcouldn’tbeun-thought.Itwasn’tasthoughhesuddenly
wantedJamieorwantedhimtobeawoman.Hedidn’t.Butthefactthatthemeregenderchangecould
makehimseeJamieinadifferentwaymadehimvaguelyuncomfortable.Itmadehimquestion
himself,hisrelationshipwithHannah,andhisrelationshipwithJamie.

Butitwasallhypothetical.Itdidn’tmatter.Itwasn’tasifhesuddenlyfeltdifferentlyabout

Hannah.Helovedher.Shewaseverythinghewantedinawoman.Hehadnoreasontoquestionthe
depthoftheirrelationship.Especiallysincehehadfarmoreimportantthingstoworryabout.

RyanlookedoverJamie’sshoulderatthecitylightsflaringagainsttheclouds.Hehadthought

allweekaboutJamie’ssituation,butnomatterhowdesperatelyhehadrackedhisbrainforasolution,
he’dcometothesameunsatisfying,frustratingconclusioneverytime:therewasnosolution.Hewas
thereasonJamiewasmiserable,andtherewasn’tadamnthinghecoulddoaboutit.Jamiewould
continuetobemiserable—untilhefinallygottiredandleft.

Thetruthofitslicedthroughhim,andRyan’sarmstightenedaroundJamie.Somethingchurned

inhisgut,aprimalfearthelikesofwhichhe’dneverfeltbefore.Hetriedtosuppresstheinsaneurge
tograbJamieandlockhimupsomewheresafe.Somewhereonlyhehadaccessto.

Yeah.Right.Thatwasn’tcreepyatall.
“Yeah,I’mfreakingout,mate,”headmittedquietly,buryinghisfaceinJamie’shair.“Justnot

aboutwhatyouthink.”HemouthedJamie’snape,trailedhislipstothesoftskinofJamie’scheek.
Jamieshudderedandmeltedagainsthim,turninghisfaceintothetouch.

Ryanwentstill.Damn,Jamie’sreactiontosuchaninnocenttouchwasincredible.Despite

knowingthatJamiewantedhimthatway—hell,despitehavinghadJamiecomealloverhishanda
weekago—itstilltookhimabackhowneedyandputty-likeJamiewasinhishands.Itwasweirdbut
flattering,itfeltwrongandyetpushedthosestrange,twistedbuttonshehadn’tevenknownhehad.

HekissedthecornerofJamie’smouth.AsmallwhineleftJamie’stremblinglips.
Bloodyhell.
HeturnedJamiearoundandlookedathim.
JesusfuckingChrist.
Jamielooked…Helookedasifhe’djustbeensnoggedthoroughly:hispupilsblown,pale

cheeksflushed,andlipsparted.Thelonging,hungrylookhegaveRyanwasdownrightshamelessand
obscene—thekindoflookthatbelongedonawhore’sfacebeforeshespreadherlegs.

Ryanstared.
Jamieclosedhiseyesandtookadeepbreath.
“I—”JamiesaidbeforeopeninghiseyesandglaringatRyan.“Whydidyoudoit?”
Thatwasagoodquestion.
Behindthem,thedooropened.“Supperisready,boys,”Sandrasaid.
“We’recoming,”Ryansaid,puttingahandonJamie’sbackandsteeringhiminside.
Jamieshothimanotherwitheringglare.

“YoulooklikeTristanwhenyou’repissedoff,”Ryansaid,frowning.“It’sfreaky.”
Jamiestompedaway.
Sandraraisedhereyebrows.“Troubleinparadise?”
Ryansighed,rakinghishandthroughhishair.“Yeah,youcouldsaythat.”
Hissistertookhisarm,hergrayeyesfilledwithcuriosityasshelookedupathim.“Youwanna

talkaboutit?”

Hesmiledathercrookedly.“Notreally.”Itdidn’tmakeanysenseeveninhishead.Hewasn’t

surewhyhehadtouchedJamiethatwayafterJamieexplicitlyaskedhimnottoaweekago.Itwas
cruelandcompletelyunnecessary.

Whatwaswrongwithhim?HadhebeensubconsciouslytryingtomanipulateJamie?The

thoughtmadeRyandeeplyuncomfortable.Hewouldliketothinkhewasbetterthanthat,but
consideringhisearliercreepythoughtsaboutlockingJamieup,heactuallywasn’tsurehewas.
Christ.

“He’srighttobemadatme,”Ryansaid.“I’llhavetodosomemajorgrovellingthistimebefore

hetakesmeback.”

Laughing,Sandrashookherhead.“Youtwoarelikeanoldmarriedcouplewithoutthebenefits

ofsex.”

Ryanavertedhisgaze.

Chapter12

“Isthereareasonwhyyou’rehidinginmybedroom?Sandraislookingforyoueverywhere.”
AtthesoundofTristan’svoice,Jamesopenedhiseyesandstraightenedupfromhisslouchin

thechair.Heshrugged.“Iwantedsomequiet.”

Leaningagainstthedoorway,Tristanregardedhimcuriously.“Whyaren’tyouwithRyan?”
Hisangerflaring,Jamesbitout,“RyanandIaren’tactuallyattachedatthehip,youknow.”
Tristansmiled.“Ah.”Hesaidnothingelse,butsomehowhissilencewasmoremockingthanany

words.

“Hasanyonetoldyouhowannoyingyouare?”Jamessaid.
Tristangrinnedopenly,lookingsoveryyoungandbeautifulthatJamescouldn’thelpbutstareat

him.Tristanwasn’thistypeatall,butonapurelyaestheticlevel,hecouldseetheappeal.

“Zachtellsmethatallthetime,”Tristanrevealed.“Butit’shardtotakehimseriously,because

heusuallykissesmerightafterthat.”Hisexpressionturnedspeculative.“Whathappenedtomakeyou
somadatRyan?Younormallylookathimlikehehangsthemoon.”

James’sjawclenched.Hedidn’tanswer.
“Wait,didyoufinallytellhimaboutyourundying,tragiclove?”WhenJamesgloweredathim,

Tristanraisedhiseyebrows.“Areyousayinghetookitbadly?Hmm.Ididn’texpectthat.”

Sighing,Jamesrubbedathiseyes.Howwashesupposedtoanswerthat?Ononehand,Ryan

tookthenewsverywell;ontheotherhand,heseemedtobedeterminedtomakeJames’slifeaslow,
exquisitetorture.

“Ryangotintohisheadthathemustdosomethingforme,”hesaidflatly.“Firsthetriedtofind

meaperfectboyfriendsoIcouldforgetabouthim,andnow…Nowhetriestomakemefeelbetter.”
Jameschuckled.“Idon’tgethimanymore.Hesayseventhinkingaboutmethatwaygrosseshimout
—hetoldyouthat,remember?—andthenhejerksmeoffandactslikeitwasn’tabigdeal—”

“Whoa,wait.”Tristanwassmirking.“Really?Hegaveyouahandjob?”
Jamestriedtofighttheheatthatrushedtohischeeks.“Itwasn’tlikethat.Hewasallovermeas

usualanddidn’tunderstandhowharditwasforme.SoIkissedhim.Iwantedtoteachhimalesson
butendedup…”Hewinced.“Iwassuchamess.Iguesshefeltsorryforme,sohegavemeahand.
Literally.”

Tristanhadapinchedlookonhisface.“Zachonceclaimed—whenwewerestillateachother ’s

throats—thathebitmylipbecauseIannoyedhimtoomuch.”Helaughed.“Itsoundedalmostas

ridiculousaswhatyou’resaying.Iwon’tjerksomeoneoffifIfeelsorryforthem.”

Jamesshookhishead,lookingdownathisclaspedfingers.“Ryanhasalwayshadthisthingfor

takingcareofme.HecouldneverstandasideandwatchwhenIwasupsetorhurt.Soforhimit’snot
thatstrange.”

Tristanmadeanimpatientnoise.“Ifyouunderstandwhyhe’sbehavingthatway,what’sthe

problem?Tellhimtocutitout.”

Jamesliftedhiseyestohimandsaidnothing,curlinganduncurlinghisfingers.
Tristan’sgazesharpened.“Youdon’twanthimtostop.”Itwasn’taquestion.
Bitinghislip,Jamesavertedhisgaze,hisfacehot.“It’snot—”
“Youlikethathetakescareofyou,”Tristansaidslowly.“Youlikebeingcoddledbyhim.Deep

down,youactuallylovethathe’swillingtostepoutofhiscomfortzoneforyou.Thathecaresthat
much.”

“Idon’thavetolistentothis,”Jamessaidstiffly.Hestoodupandmadehiswaytothedoor.
ButTristanwasblockingthedoorway.Upclose,italwayssurprisedJameshowsmallTristan

actuallywas.Tristanalwayscommandedsomuchattentionandseemedmoreimposingthanhe
physicallywas.

“Move,please,”hesaid.
Tristandidn’t,afaintsmilecurlinghisfulllips.“Youwannaknowmyopinion?”
Jamesrolledhiseyes.“DoIhaveachoice?”
Tristan’ssmilewidened.“You’reright:youdon’t.”Hecockedhishead,considering.“Ithink

Ryanisstraight,straighterthanZacheverwas.Ryan’sprobablynohigherthana1ontheKinsey
scale.Butsexualityisn’tsomethingfixed.Iwouldknow—I’vemetplentyofso-called‘straight’men
whowantedmetosucktheirdicks.”Tristangavehimacheekysmile.“Butthenagain,youaren’thalf
asprettyasme.Nooneis.”

Smiling,Jamesshookhishead.“Doyouhaveapoint,Tristan?”
“Yes,actually,”Tristansaid,hisblue-greeneyesgleamingwithamusement.“Suckhisdick.

Eventhestraightoneslikeit.Ifheletsyouandlikesitenoughtocomebackformore,maybehecan
beconvertedtothedarkside.”Chuckling,Tristansaunteredaway,leavingJamiespeechless,his
mouthslack.Ithadbeenajoke,right?

Right?
“Bytheway,”Tristansaid,turningaroundwhenhereachedtheendofthecorridor.“Tellhimto

makeachoicebetweenyouandhisgirlfriendbeforetheygetmoreserious.”Hissmileacquiredan
edge.“Trustme,youwouldn’twanttobepiningforamarriedman.It’snotpretty.Evenyoudon’t
deservethat—though,itwouldbekindaironic.”

Jamesstoodthere,frowning,longafterTristandisappearedoutofsight.
Ironic?
Shakinghishead,hecastitoutofhismindandfocusedontheadviceTristanhadgivenhim.
MaybeTristanhadapoint.
No,therewasnomaybeaboutit:Tristanwasright.Itreallywouldbebetterforeveryone

involvedifRyanjustmadeachoice.Theentiresituationwastoounbalanced,strange,andunfairtoall
ofthem.ItwasunfairtoHannahbecauseRyanpaidherlessattention,tooconcernedabouthisbest
friend’sfeelings.ItwasunfairtoRyanbecauseheshouldn’tbeforcedtofixthingsthatwerebeyond
hiscontrol—thingsthatwerenothisfault—andRyanshouldn’tfeelguiltyaboutbeinghappywithhis
girlfriend.Anditwasunfairtohimtoo,becauseJamiereally,reallydidn’twanttospendtherestof
hislifepiningafterhistaken,straightbestfriend,whodidn’tfuckingknowthemeaningofpersonal
spaceandboundaries.

Somethingoughttobedone.

Hisstomachshriveledintoatight,uncomfortableknotofdreadandfear.Yes,hewaslikelyto

losehim:Ryan,aseverymaninlove,wouldchoosehisgirlfriend,nomatterhowprotectiveofhis
bestfriendhewas.

Butitwastherightthingtodo.Itcouldn’tcontinuelikethis.
Jamesslowlymadehiswaydownstairs,intothediningroom,wherethevoiceswerecoming

from.

RyanwassittingatthetablenexttoZach,bothofthemfrowningastheydiscussedsomething

quietly.

Noonewaslookinghisway,andJamesallowedhimselftolookhisfill,hiseyesroaming

greedilyoverRyan’schiseledjawshadowedbydarkstubble,hisfirmlipsandstraightnose,those
piercinggreeneyesunderthethickblackbrows;overRyan’sstrongneck,thoseridiculouslywide
shouldersandmuscularchest,andarmsthatcouldgivethetightest,sweetesthugsintheworld.

Jamielickedhisdrylips,tryingtoresisttheinsaneurgetogooverandkisshim.God,itwasso

fuckingunfair.Howcouldsomeonehehadnoclaimtofeellikehis,onthedeepestpossiblelevel?It
feltlikeRyanwasinhisveins,andhedidn’tknowhowtogethimout.

Stilldeepinconversationwithhisbrother,Ryanaccidentallyglancedhisway.Theireyes

locked.

Jamesdidn’tknowwhatRyansawinhiseyes,butRyan’sfrowndeepened.Ryansaidsomething

toZachandstoodupfromthetable.Hannahdelayedhim,askinghimsomething.Jamesturnedaway
andheadedslowlybacktotheterrace.

Itreallywascoldoutside,evenforDecember.
Hehuggedhimselfandwaited,thecoldseepingintohisbonesandchillinghisinsides.
Thedoorbehindhimopenedandclosed.
“Jamie?”Ryansaid.
Jameshuggedhimselftighter,tryingtosuppresstheshuddersthatcontinuedtorackhisframe.
“You’refreezing,silly,”Ryansaid,walkingoverandimmediatelywrappinghisarmsaround

him,hisbodybig,firmandsoachinglyfamiliar.“Wecantalkinside.Comeon.”

JamesshookhisheadandforcedhimselftopullawayfromRyan’sembrace.Hewouldn’thave

thestrengthtodowhatmustbedoneotherwise.HeturnedtofaceRyan.

TheyellowlightfromthestreetlampcastRyan’sangularfeaturesintoshadow,butJamescould

stillseethetensionandconcernonRyan’sface.

“Ididn’twanttodothis,”Jamessaidquietlyandyetfirmly.Butevenwithhisresolve,histhroat

stillfeltalittlecloggedandtight.“Butyouknowthere’snoothersolution.Everythinghasbecome
tooconfusingandfuckedup.Ican’t—Ican’tgoonlikethis,Ryan.”

“Jamie—”
JamespressedhisfingeragainstRyan’slips.“Please.LetmesaywhatIwantfirst.”Hetooka

deepbreathandslowlybreathedout.“There’snopointinthis.Thetruthis,I’mthethirdwheelinyour
relationshipwithHannah.YouwerehappybeforeItoldyouthatI—thatIloveyou.Myconfession
prettymuchruinedeverything:madeourfriendshiptooweirdandmadeyoufeelguiltyforbeing
happywithher.”Hebithisliphard.“Ididn’twantthat.Idon’tknowwhatIwanted.Iwasjusttiredof
puttingonahappyfacewhenIfeltlikeshit.Buteitherway…”HeswallowedandlookedRyaninthe
eye.“HannahandIcan’tcoexistinyourlife.Pleasedon’taskthatofme.Ican’t,Ryan.”

Ryan’sfacewasutterlystill,hiseyesfixedonJames.
“So…”Jamiesmiled.Atleasthethoughthewassmiling.“Tristantoldmetogiveyouachoice,

butIknowwhatyouwouldchoose,anyway—IknowwhatIwouldchooseifIwereinyourplace.I
wouldchoosethepersonI’minlovewith.”You.“I—I…”Jamieblinkedrapidlyandsmiledagain.“So
thisisagoodbye.Ihope—Ihopeit’snotforever.”Hetriedtoswallowthepainfulthicknessinhis

throat.“Maybesomeday,inafewyears,I’llbeabletolookatyouandfeelnothingbutfriendshipand
wecanbefriendsagain.”

Ryandidn’tsayanything.Hejuststaredathim,hisfacedifficulttoreadinthesemi-darkness.
“Goodbye,”Jamesmanaged.HelookedatRyanandwaited.Waited,hopingforsomething,

needingsomething.Maybealasthug.Aclosure.Something.

ButRyandidn’tmove.Hestoodstilllikeastatue,hisexpressionhardasstone.
AndJamiecouldn’tresist.Heneededit,somethingtorememberoncoldnights.Evenifitwasa

lie.

HewrappedhistremblinghandsaroundRyan’sneckandpressedhiscoldlipsagainstRyan’s,

hesitantly,histhroatclosedupsotighthecouldnolongerspeak,hiseyeswellingwithtears.Iwish
thingsweredifferent.Iwish…Hiseyesburned.Hishearthurt.Iloveyou.I’llalwaysloveyou,even
whenI’mabitter,oldman.

Hepulledaway.
Hesteppedback.
Heturnedaway.
Ryanyankedhimcloseandcrushedhimhardagainsthischestbeforeslammingtheirlips

together.God.

Itwasn’tafriendlyorbrotherlykiss.Butneitherwasitakissofdesire.Thekisstastedofanger,

andneed,andsomuchloveitcompletelyundidJamie.Hemadeasmall,brokennoiseasRyan
continuedkissinghimroughly,crushinghimtohischest.Notongue,justlipsagainstlips,andneed
againstneed.

Atlast,secondsorhourslater,Ryanstoppedkissinghimandsaidoneword,hisvoicehoarse

andhard.“No.”

BeforeJamescouldaskwhathemeant,Ryanallbutpushedhiminsidethehouse.Inproper

light,JamescouldseeRyan’sfacebetterandwhathesawmadehisstomachdrop.

He’dneverseenRyanlooksogrimandangry.
“Ryan—”
Ryanshookhishead,hisjawworking.“Iwishyouhadn’tmademechoose,butIunderstandwhy

youdid.Gohome.I’llhavetotalktoHannahandbreakitoffwithher.”

James’seyeswidened.“What?”hesaidtonelessly.
Ryanglaredathim.“Areyoureallysurprised?Areyoukiddingme,Jamie?Didyoureallythink

I’dletyouleave?Really?”

“Butyouloveher,”Jamessaid,confused.
Ryan’slipstwistedintoabittersmile.“Yes.Butapparentlynotenough.”Hepinchedthebridge

ofhisnoseandexhaledloudly.WhenhelookedatJamesagain,hisexpressionwassofter.“Gohome.
I’llcallyouafterIbreakupwithher.”HekissedJamie’stemple.“I’llneedyouafterthat,”hesaid
quietlybeforewalkingtowardthediningroom—tobreakupwithhisgirlfriend.Thegirlfriendhe
wasinlovewith.

Jamiedidn’tfeelanyelation.
Justcrushing,horribleguilt.

Chapter13

Ryancalledhimwellpastmidnight.“Webrokeup,”hesaidflatly.
Jamesgazedupattheshadowsdancingontheceilingofhisbedroom.Hedidn’tknowwhatto

say.Whatdidyoutellyourbestfriendafterhehadbrokenupwiththewomanhewasinlovewith
becauseofyou?

“Howdidshetakeit?”
Ryanchuckled,thesoundsharpandcutting.“Ididn’tevenknowsheknewsomeofthewordsshe

calledme.Idon’tblameher.Icouldn’tevenexplainwhyIwasbreakingitoff.”

“I’msorry.”Thewordssoundedsoinadequate.Socheap.
Therewasalongsilenceontheline.
Jamescountedtheseconds,straininghisears.Doyouhatemenowforlosingher?Pleasedon’t

hateme.

Afterfourteenseconds,Ryansaid,“Iwantyou.Comehere.”
Jamesbreathedout,thetightknotinhisstomachlooseningabit.“Areyoustillatthehouse?”
“Yes,”Ryansaidandhungup.
ItwasalmosttwointhemorningwhenJamesfinallyparkedhiscarinZach’sdriveway.
Hedidn’tknock.HetextedRyanandwaited,histeethchatteringasthecoldwindsweptaround

hisbody.

Minutesdragged.
MaybeRyanhadfallenasleep.
MaybeRyanhadchangedhismindanddidn’twanttoseehim.
Whenhewasabouttogobacktohiscar,thedooropened.
Ryanstoodthere,abottleofvodkainhishandandhisexpressionunreadable.Hemovedaside,

lettingJamesin.Jamesfollowedhimtohisroom,watchinghimcarefully.Ryanwasn’tswayingor
anything,hisstepsfirmandsteady,butRyanrarelydid,evenwhenhewasreallyshit-faced.

Jamesclosedthedoorofthebedroomafterthem.Ryansatheavilyonthecouchandstarted

sippingfromthebottle,hisfaceclosedoff.

Strainedsilencefellbetweenthem.Asilencefilledwithangerandpainandresentment.
“Youshouldn’thavebrokenupwithher,”Jamesgroundout,breakingit.“Ididn’tbloodyforce

you.”

Ryantookanotherbiggulpfromthebottleandsetitaside,hiseyeshard.

Hesaid,“Comehere.”
Jameshesitatedbutwent.HesatbesideRyan,tenseandunsure.
“Youknowwhatwastheworstpart?”Ryanasked,withoutlookingathim.
Jameslookedathisprofileandwaited.
“Whatshetoldmeaftershecalmeddown,”Ryansaid,hiseyesdowncast,wideshoulders

slouchedforward,handsclaspedlooselybetweenhisknees.“Shesaidmaybeitwasforthebest.That
shedeservedbetterthanaboyfriendwhogotallhisemotionalneedsalreadysatisfiedelsewhere.”He
couldseethemusclesinRyan’sjawwork.“Asifshewasjustaholeformetofuck.”

Jamesfrowned.“That’snottrue.You’vebeentogetherforhalfayear.Itwasthemostserious

relationshipofyourlife.”

AlaughleftRyan’sthroat.HeturnedhisheadtoJamesandmethiseyes.“No,itwasn’t,Jamie.”

Awrysmilecurledhislips.“Andthat’stheproblem,isn’tit?”

Jamescaughthislipbetweenhisteeth.“You’reangrywithme.You’reangrywithmeforlosing

her.”

Ryandidn’tdenyit.Jamesforcedoutasmileandstoodup,butRyangrabbedhiswrist.“Sit.”
Jamesshothimastartledlook.Ryanhadneverbeensoroughwithhim.
Hesatdownagain.
“Iamangry,”Ryansaid,hisvoicelow-pitched.“IwishIcouldsayI’mnotangryatyouatall,

butitwouldn’tbetrue.”Rubbingtheinnercornersofhiseyeswithhisfreehand,Ryansighed.“Apart
ofmeblamesyou.Iwon’tdenyit.”HisgriponJames’swristtightened.“ButIknowit’snotyour
fault.Yougavemeafairchoice.”Hechuckled.“It’snotyourfaultI’msohunguponyouthat
anythingelsedoesn’tmatteraslongasIgettokeepyou.”

WarmthcurledinJames’sgut,chasingawaytheguiltandhurt.
HelookeddownatRyan’sstrong,longfingersaroundhiswrist.“Iunderstandwhyyou’re

angry.Igetit.AndI’msorry.”

Sighing,RyanputanarmaroundhisshouldersandpressedhisforeheadagainstJames’stemple.

Fromthisclose,thesmellofalcoholonRyan’sbreathwasmoreobvious.

“Ifeellikeshit,Jamie,”headmittedquietly.
ItbrokeJames’sheart.
“Iknow,”hesaid,buryinghisfingersinRyan’sunrulyhairandstrokingit.
Ryan’slipsmovedagainsthischeek.“You’rethereasonIfeellikeshitandtheonlyonewhocan

makemefeelbetter.Prettyfuckedup,yeah?”

Anothersilencefell.Whilehestillwouldn’tcallitcomfortable,itwasfarlessstrainedthanthe

previousone.

“Istillcan’tgiveyouwhatyouwant,”Ryansaidsuddenly.“Youknowthat,right?”
Jamesstaredatthepatternofthecarpet.“Iknow.”
“IwishIcould,”Ryansaid,hisnosebrushingJames’scheek.“Theysaysexualitycanbefluid,

butIdon’tthinkit’saboutme.Ican’tdoit,notevenforyou,Jamie.Maybeespeciallyforyou.Ijust
don’tseeyouthatway.”

Jamesclosedhiseyes,tryingtofindthestrengthtotellRyanthatitwasokay,thatthiswas

enough.Instead,hefoundhimselfwhispering,“Butyoukissedme.”Hehatedhowapartofhimclung
tothatknowledge,eventhoughtherationalpartofhimknewthatthekisshadn’tbeenaboutlustatall.
Whywasitsobloodyhardtoacceptthattheywouldneverbetogetherthatway?Itwasterriblygreedy
ofhim.Anddownrightpathetic.

Ryansighedandpulledbackalittle,lookingdiscomfited.“Itwasaspurofthemomentkindof

thing.”

“Spurofthemoment,”Jamesrepeated,deflating.“Okay.”

“Bloodyhell,”Ryansaid,frustrationinhisvoice.“Fuck,Ididn’twanttohurtyou,butIthinkwe

havetotalkaboutit,clearthingsupforonceandforall.”

James’sstomachdropped.“Aboutwhat?”
Ryan’sfaceacquiredalookofdetermination.HegrippedJames’sshoulders,lookinghiminthe

eye.“Iloveyou—Iloveyoumorethananyone—butnotthatway.IwishIcouldgiveyouwhatyou
want,butIcan’t.You’relikeabrothertome.WhenItriedtoimaginehavingsexwithyou,theonly
timeitdidn’tseemweirdwaswhenIimaginedyouasagirl.”Afaintflushappearedonhis
cheekbones,butRyan’sfirmexpressiondidn’tchange.Hisvoicesoftened.“I’msorry.Ireallyam,
Jamie.”

Jamesfelthislipstrembleandlockedhisjaw.“It’sokay,”hesaid.“Iunderstand.”Avertinghis

eyes,hesmiled.“Iwantadrink.”

Anhourandtwobottlesofvodkalater,theybothwerewellontheirwaytobeingcompletely

hammered.

“It’snotokay,”JamiemumbledintoRyan’schest.
“Iknow,”Ryansaid,brushingJamie’shairwithhisfingers.
Jamieliftedhisheadandfocusedhiseyesonhim.“No,youdon’t,”heslurred,suddenlymadas

hell.HelungedforwardandslammedhislipsagainstRyan’s.“Iwantyou,”hemuttereddesperately
againstRyan’slips.“Iwantyou.”Ryandidn’tgetthateversinceJameshadfiguredoutwhathisdick
wasfor,allhe’dwantedwashim.Ryandidn’tknowthathewankedhimselfrawthinkingofsucking
hiscock,ofRyan’sstrong,confidenthandstakingcareofhim,ofRyan’sdickinhiseveryhole,using
him,becausehewasRyan’s,bodyandsoul.“Iwantyou,”hewhisperedbrokenly,pressingwet,
greedykissesagainstRyan’slips.“Please.Ineed—Ineed—”

Suddenly,amemoryflashedtothefrontofhisalcohol-dazedmind.
Suckhisdick.Eventhestraightoneslikeit.

WhenJamiestoppedgivinghimthoseneedykisses,itwasarelief—becauseRyanwas

dangerouslyclosetoresponding.Apartofhimhadwantedtorespond—thefucked-uppartofhim
thatneededtofeelJamiecloserafterthisdisastrouseveningandletJamie’sclosenessmakehim
forget—eventhoughRyanknewitwouldbeaterribleidea:itwouldjustfeedJamie’shopesandmess
withhishead.

ButwhenJamiescrambledoffhimanddroppedtohiskneesbetweenhislegs,Ryan’srelief

evaporated.

Hetensedup.“Jamie—”
JamiepressedhisfaceagainstRyan’sgroinandnuzzledhissoftdickthroughhisjeans.
“Jamie,”Ryansaid,staringdownathimwide-eyed.Thiscouldnotbehappening.“Stop.”
Jamiedidn’tstop.Herubbedhischeekagainstthebulgelikeakitten,hiseyesclosed,his

nostrilsflaringasifhewasinhalingthescentofRyan’sdick.Itwasthewrongest,strangestsightRyan
hadeverseen.

“Iwannasuckit,”Jamiesaid,kissinghiscockthroughthelayersoffabric.Heliftedhiseyesto

Ryan,hisfacehungry.“Iwannasuckyourcock.Please?”

IfRyanhadbeencompletelysober,hewouldhavepushedJamieawayimmediately.Buthismind

feltsluggishandhazy.Hecouldn’tspeak.Hecouldn’tmove.Takinghissilenceasayes,Jamie
fumbledwithhisflyandpulledhisdickout.

HecouldonlystareatthenakedhungeronJamie’sfaceasJamieeyedhissoftcock.Then,

JamieleanedinandlickedthetipwithsuchobscenerelishRyan’scocksprangtolifeasifgivena
shotofViagra.Jesus.

“Jamie—”hetriedagain,hisheartthunderinginhisears.Thiswaswrong.Thiswassobloody

wrong.

Andyethecouldn’tmove.HewatchedJamieswirlhispinktonguearoundtheheadbefore

slowlytakingitintohismouth.Ryansuckedinabreathasawet,warmmouthengulfedhiscock.He
washard.Hewasfullyhardnow.Fuck,hehadhishardcockinhisbestmate’smouth.Whatthehell
washedoing?

JustasRyanwasabouttopushJamieaway,Jamiemoanedaroundhiscock,lookingblissedout,

asifsuckingRyan’scockwassomethinghe’dalwaysdreamedabout.

RyanstaredatJamie’sflushedfaceasJamie’seyelashesflutteredandlifted.Theireyeslocked,

Jamie’spupilscompletelyblown.Jamiehummedaroundthecockinhismouthandstartedbobbing
hishead,suckingRyan’scockwithobviousrelish,hismouthandtonguehungryandshameless—and
fuck,itwaswrong,itwassobloodywrong,butRyancouldn’tfuckingstopit.Groaning,heshivered
violently,andhadtogathertheremainsofhisself-controlsohewouldn’trollhiships.Hegrabbed
Jamie’sbobbinghead.Stop,hewantedtosay,butJamiecompletelyrelaxed,openinghismouthwider
andlookingathimexpectantly.Waiting.Eager.

Christ.Jamiewantedhimtoface-fuckhim.
Ryan’shipsjerkedoftheirownvolition,slammingbackintotheheatofJamie’smouth.Jamie

letoutalong,pleasedmoanaroundRyan’scock.Hewasbloodylovingit.

Ryan’shipsjerkedagain.Andagain.Hecouldn’tstop.
Soon,hehadbothhandsinJamie’shairandwasyankingJamie’smouthontohisaching,

throbbingdick.Fuck,he’dneverbeenharderinhislife,thefeelingofwrongnessstillthere—Jamie
waslikealittlebrothertohim;whatwashedoing?—butitwasonlymakingeverythinghotterand
sharper.HewantedtofuckJamie’smouth,soRyandid,eyeinggreedilyJamie’sblissfulfaceashe
pushedhiscockinandout.Hewantedtocomeinhim.HewantedtocomeinsideJamie,fillhismouth
withhiscomeandforceJamietoeatit—

Growling,Ryanletgo,hisvisiongoingdarkaroundtheedgesashecamedeepinJamie’s

throat.

Fuckinghell.
Whenheopenedhiseyessomeminuteslater,hefoundhimselfstaringatJamie’sheadonhis

thigh,Jamie’shandcurledaroundRyan’snot-quite-softdick.Jamie’sotherhandwasmoving,outof
sight.Jamiewasjerkingoff,Ryanrealizeddazedly.AndIjustfuckedmybestfriend’smouth.Buthis
braincouldn’tmanageaproperfreak-outyet.

JamierubbedhischeekagainstRyan’scockbeforeslippingtheoversensitiveheadbackintohis

mouth.Ryanhissed,feelinghiscockstarthardeningagain.Thisshouldnotbehappening.He
shouldn’thaveletithappen.Andhesureashellshouldn’tbelettingithappenagain.Heknewwhenhe
soberedup,hewouldregretthislikenothingheeverregrettedinhislife.

ButJamiewasmoaningaroundhiscock,thatshamelesslookofpureblissonhisface,andRyan

wantedtofuckhismouthagain.

Sohedid.

Chapter14

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Wedidn’tfinishtheconversation,Jimmy.Youcan’tavoidmeforever!

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

Don’tcallmeJimmyunlessyouwantmetocallyouLucy.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Ryancallsyouwhateverhewants.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

You’renotmybestmate.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

I’mwounded.I’veactuallyknownyoulonger—sincebeforeeitherofuscouldwalk!We’ve

beeninOxfordtogether!I’llgocryintomypillownow.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

Thatemoticonlooksjustlikeyou.Youweresuchacrybaby.Stillare.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Fuckoff,Grayson.Anddon’tthinkI’veforgottenwhatweweretalkingabout.
Soletmegetitstraight:
YesterdayRyanbrokeupwithhisgirlfriendafteryoutoldhimitwasn’tworkingandyou

wantedtoendyourepic“friendship.”Ryantoldyouinnouncertaintermstherecouldneverbe
anythingbetweenyou,becausehewasstraighterthananarrow.Thenyoutwogotdrunkandyou
suckedhimoff.

Isthatright?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

Prettymuch.Andstopputtingourfriendshipintoquotes.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

I’llstopputtingitintoquoteswhenyour“friendship”startsbeingafriendship.Usuallyaman

doesn’tfuckingbreakupwiththewomanhelovesforhisbestfriend,Jimmy.Anyway,whathappened
aftertheblowjob?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

Nothing.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Nothing?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford

Dec9

Weweredrunk.Ipassedout.WhenIwokeupthismorning,hewasstillout.Iwenthome.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Youhaven’ttalkedtodayatall?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

No.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Icanfeeltheangstfromhere.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

Shutit.Ifeellikeshitasitis.Whatifhehatesmenow?Hewasdrunk.MaybeItookadvantage

ofhim.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Youweredrunk,too.Actually,youwereprobablydrunkerthanhim.You’realightweight.He

candrinklikeanIrishman.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec9

Heishalf-Irish.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec9

Thatexplainit.Anyway,keepmeupdatedonanydrama.Ilovedrama!

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

I’veseenRyanthisafternoon.Hebehavedlikenothinghappened.Lookslikehedoesn’t

remember.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

Areyougladordisappointed?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

Notsure.IguessitwasjustveryanticlimacticafterIbarelysleptlastnightandhadalmost

workedmyselfintoanervousbreakdown.

Anyway,enoughaboutme.IsyourdadreallysendingyoutoRussia?Areyouexcited?Youmust

beexcited.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

Ugh,don’tremindme.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

Whynot?Ifhe’sfinallytrustingyoutomanageoneofhiscompanies,it’sabigdeal.You’ve

wanteditsinceforever!

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

Heisn’tsendingmetoMoscowsoIcanmanagedhisbusinessinRussia.He’ssendingmethere

justtoattendsomestupidPReventsandmeaninglessmeetingsinhisstead.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

Thatsucks.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

Iwishmydadwasmorelikeyours.Arthurletsyouactuallyuseyourbrain.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

Yeah,andtheironicthingisyouhavegreatbusinessinstinctswhileIhavenone.Daddoesn’tsay

anything,butIcanseehisdisappointmenteverytimeImakeawrongdecisionandhehastocorrect
me.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

Woeisyou.Atleastyourdadwon’tliterallykillyouwhenhefindsoutaboutyoursexuality.

Mineactuallymight.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

Youmeanwhattheysayaboutyourdadisn’tjustanastyrumor?

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

DoyouthinkjustbecauseI’mhissonIknowanything?Hedoesn’ttrustme.

I’vegottogonow.KeepmeupdatedontheRyansituation.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec10

ThereisnoRyansituation.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec10

Surethereisn’t.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

Isuckedhimoffagain.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

What?Details,mate!Wereyoudrunkagain?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

Weweren’tdrunk.Itwasanormalevening.Wewerejusthangingout,playedsomevideo

games,hadapizza—youknow,allthenormalthings.Andthen…thenIwasonmykneesagain.
Honestly,Idon’tknowhowithappened!Hedidn’tsayaword.WelookedateachotherandIjust
droppedtomykneesinfrontofhim.Andheletme.Heletme,Luke!Iknowweshouldhavetalked
first,shouldhavesaidsomething,butIcouldn’t.Iwasscaredtofreakhimout.Icouldfeelhowtense
hewas.Hejuststaredatmehard,hisfacetotallyimpossibletoread.SoIwentforit.Fuck,itwasthe
hottestthingI’veeverdone.NowIunderstandwhypeoplesaythatsexisbetterwithsomeoneyou
love.I’dneverunderstoodthosepeoplewhoravedaboutsuckingdick,butJesus,Icouldspenddays
suckingRyan’s.Andhegotreallyrough,youknow.Like,hefuckedmymouth,notjustpassively
allowedmetoblowhim.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

Okaaay.Let’spretendthisisn’tawkwardatallandI’mnotturnedon.Whathappenedafterthat?

Youcouldn’thavepassedoutagain.Youweren’tdrunkthistime.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

Wedidn’tpassout.Afterhecame,hejust…hesaidnothing.Hetuckedhimselfbackintohis

jeansandavertedhiseyes.ThenheaskedmewhetherIwantedtogototheManchesterUnited-
Arsenalmatchnextmonth.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

You’repullingmyleg.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

Nope.Heactedcompletelynormal,asifhehadn’tjustcomedownmythroatandwewerejust

bestmates.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

Forreal?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

Iknow.Idon’tknowwhattothink.Whattodo.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

Talktohim,genius.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

Ican’t.Whatifitfucksusup?

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

Don’tberidiculous.We’retalkingabouttheguywhodumpedhisgirlfriendtomakeyoustop

moping.He’syourfriendoffifteenyears!

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

It’snotthatsimple.Lately,Idon’tgethim.He’sbeendifferentwithmesometimes.Harsher.It’s

likehestillblamesmeforlosingHannahbuttriestosuppressit.Whenwedidit…whenhefuckedmy

mouth,Ifeltit.Maybethat’swhyhewassoroughbothtimes.Hiseyesweresohardwhilehewatched
metakeit.Maybeitwasapunishment.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec12

Ormaybehejustgetshisrocksoffonfuckingyourthroat.Whichisfarmoreplausibleandless

ridiculousthanyourexplanation.It’syourguilttalkingandit’sstupid.Nooneforcedhimtochoose
youoverhisgirlfriend.Getoverit.It’snotyourfault.

Talktohim.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec12

IknowRyan.He’lltalkonlywhenhe’sready.

Chapter15

SprawledonRyan’scouchinfrontoftheTV,Jameshadneverbeensodistractedinhislife

whilehewatchedhisfavoriteteamplay.Hejustcouldn’tfocus.Itprobablydidn’thelpthattheBlues
werelosing,butstill.Beingaroundhisbestfriendwasnevereasythesedays.Heneverknewwhatto
expect.Inhisperipheralvision,hecouldseeRyanmakingfinishingtouchestotheprojecthewas
workingon.

RyanclosedPhotoshop,rubbinghistiredeyes.HelookedatJames.“Thegameanygood?”he

said.Heglancedatthescoreandsmiled.“Aretheylosingagain?”

“Pissoff,”Jamesgrumbled,whichonlymadeRyansmilewider.Yeah,okay—Jamesknewhe

wasridiculouslytouchywhenhisfavoriteteamlost,andsincehisfavoriteteamwasRyan’sleast
favoriteteam,they’dhadsomespectacularrowswhenChelseaplayed.

“Hey,Ididn’tsayanything,”Ryansaid,standingupandwalkingover.HemovedJames’slegs

andfloppeddownonthecouch,stretchinglikeabig,gracefulcat.

JamesdraggedhiseyesawayandputhisfeetonRyan’slap.Hemarveledhownormalitall

seemedwhentherewasnothingnormalabouttheirfriendshipanymore.“Gloatingisn’tnice,you
know.”

Ryanshruggedandputhisarmonthebackofthecouch.“That’swhattheygetforbeingaone-

manteam.Ateamshouldn’tdependononeplayersomuch.It’spathetichowtheyarelosingevery
matchsinceGabrielDuValgotinjured.He’llbeoutfortwomoremonths,andatthisrate,Chelsea
willbeatthebottomofthetablebythetimeherecovers.”

Jamespursedhislips.“IfTristanstillplayed,theywouldn’thavehadthisproblem.He’salmost

asbrilliantasGabrielandcouldhaveeasilyreplacedhim.”

Ryanchuckled.“Almost?IfTristanhearsthat,he’llkickyouintheballs.”
ThatmadeJamessmile.“MaybeIcanconvinceZachtoworkhismagiconTristanandgethim

backonthepitch.”

“It’stooearlyforTristantoreturntofootball,”Ryansaid,shakinghishead.“Zachtoldmeit’d

takeaboutayearandit’sbeenonlyeightmonths.Tristan’slegstillisn’tgoodforplaying
professionally.Zachisoptimistic,butwhoknows?Itmayneverbegoodenough.”

“Yeah,Iknow,”Jamiesaid,shiftinghisgazetotheTV.“AndTristandoesn’tseemallthateager

toreturntothespotlight,anyway.Beinginasteadygayrelationshipforfootballstarsisn’teasy.”
Besides,Tristandidn’tevenneedtoworkadayinhislifeifhedidn’twantto:hisshortbutincredibly

successfulfootballcareerhadmadehimamillionaire.

“He’sstillyoungandcanchooseanyothercareerpath,”Ryansaid,givinghimapointedlook.
Jamessighed.“Don’tstart,Ryan.Idon’thateworkingwithDad.Idon’tloveit,butit’sfine.”
“Youcouldgotoanartschool,”Ryansaid.“Youlovedrawing.”
Thinkingofthederisivesneeronhisdad’sfacewhenhehadtoldhimofthatambitionyears

ago,Jamessaid,“I’mnotthatgood.”

“Bollocks,”Ryansaid.“I’veseenyoudraw.You’reverygood,especiallyatdrawingportraits.”
Jamesalmostlaughed.Hewasn’tallthatgoodatdrawingportraits.Hewasgoodatdrawing

Ryan.

“Whatever,”Ryansaidwithasigh.“You’recomingtotheChristmaspartyatthehouse,right?”
“Wouldn’tmissitfortheworld.Yourmum’scookingisthebestthingever.”Jamesmadeaface.

“I’llhavetoattendourannualChristmasballattheLyttonHall,ofcourse,butI’llgetaway.Noone
wouldmissme.There’llbehundredsofimportantpeople,maybeeventheRoyalFamily.”

Ryansnorted,squeezingJamie’sankle.“SayhellotoHerMajestyfromme.”
Thewhistlewasblownandthegamewasover,Chelseaplayersleavingthepitchwithdejected

faces.

“Bugger.”Jamessighed,turningtheTVoff.
Ryanpattedhisleg.“Don’tworry,Ithinkthey’llgetoutoftherelegationzonesoon.”
Glowering,Jameskickedhimintheabs.
“Don’tbesuchasoreloser,James,”Ryansaidwithamock-solemnlookonhisface.“It’s

inappropriatefortheViscountExmouth.”

“Ihateyou,”Jamessaid,yawning.Heclosedhiseyes.“I’mtakinganap.”
“Areyou?”Ryanmurmured,thepressureofhisfingersonJames’sankleincreasing.
Jamesopenedhiseyes.
Ryan’sexpressionwasalmostbored,butnotquite.Thehard,darkgleaminhisgreeneyestolda

differentstory.

Jamesswallowed,hispulsepickingup.Theyneededtotalk.Itcouldn’tgoonlikethis.It

probablywasn’tveryhealthy.

Slowly,hesatup,theireyesstilllockedtogether.
“BringLukewithyoutotheChristmasparty,”RyansaidasJamessanktohiskneesbetweenhis

long,muscularlegs.“Beforehe’ssentofftoSiberiabyhisdickofafather.”

“Heisn’tgoingtoSiberia,”Jamessaid,hisfingersshakingalittleastheyunzippedRyan’sfly.

HepulledRyan’scockout.“He’sgoingtoMoscow.”

“There’sadifference?”
“Thereis,actually.Siberiaistotheeast.”Stickinghistongueout,JamielickedRyan’scock

fromthebasetothetip.HerememberedhowsoftRyanhadbeenthefirsttime,butlatelyRyanwas
alwaysatleasthalf-hardbeforeJamiegothismouthonhiscock.

“It’sfreezinginMoscow,too,”Ryansaid,hisvoicealittlehuskyasJamielickedhiscockuntil

itwasfullyhard.

Handsgrabbedhisface,stillinghim.
Jamielookedup.Ryanwasstaringathimwiththeexpressionthatwasalreadybecomingvery

familiar:asteady,hardlookthatwasimpossibletoread.HiseyesonJamie’sface,Ryanrubbedhis
leakingcockagainstJamie’scheekbeforestrokingthefatheadagainsthislips.Jamiepartedhislips
eagerly,butRyandidn’tpushhiscockinside.Hecontinuedsmearinghispre-comeacrossJamie’s
partedlips,watchingitintently.Jamiecouldn’tstopasmallwhine,histongueflickingouttolickthe
cock.

Ryan’seyesdarkened.“Thisissofuckingwrong.”

Jamieblinked,startledandflustered.ThiswasthefirsttimeinthelasttwoweeksthatRyan

actuallyacknowledgedwhattheyweredoing.

“Why?”Jamiesaid,holdingRyan’sgazeandrubbinghislipsagainstthetipofhiscock.
ThemusclesinRyan’sjawworked.“Ishouldn’tuseyoulikethis.”
Jamielickedtheheadslowly,relishingitstaste.“You’renotusingmeifIwanttobeusedby

you.”

Ryan’snostrilsflared,histhighstensingunderJames’shands.“Jamie,”hegratedout,closing

hiseyesforamomentandtakingadeepbreath.“Iwasn’tkidding:Idon’tloveyouthatway.You’re
likeabrothertome—”HegroanedwhenJamestookthefatheadintohismouth,Ryan’shipsjerking
topushhiscockdeeper.JamiehummedhappilyaroundRyan’scock,openinghismouthwiderand
relaxinghisthroatasmuchashecould.Ryanfinallylostthebattlewithhimselfandstartedfucking
hismouthroughly,hisgreeneyesbecomingunfocused.

Jameshadnoideahowlongitlasted.Thescent,thetaste,thefeelofRyan’sthickcockmoving

inhismouth,stretchinghislipswide,Ryan’sfingerstangledinhishair,Ryan’slowgrunts…allofit
wasdrivinghimcrazy.Jamespressedtheheelofhishandagainsthisownerection,rubbingitand
moaningquietlyaroundRyan’s.

Lookingupagain,hefoundRyanwatchinghimintently,aconfusingmixofloathingandhunger

onhisface.

“Thisissowrong,”Ryansaidagain,hisgriponJames’shairtightening.Heslammedhardinto

James’smouth,chokinghimonhiscock.“Goddammit,Jamie—”

Thesoundofhisname,inthattone,inthatvoice,fromthatman—itwasenoughtopushJames

overtheedge,hishipsjerkingagainsthishandashecamewithagroan,histhroattighteningaround
Ryan’scock.Ryansworeunderhisbreathandpulledout,splashinghiscomealloverJamie’slipsand
chin.

Flushedandbreathinghard,theylookedateachotherdazedly.
Ryan’seyesdroppedtoJames’slips.Hestaredbeforeavertinghisgazeandtuckinghiscock

backinsidehisjeans.“Gocleanup.”

Gettingtohisfeetunsteadily,Jameschuckled.“Tooweird?”
Ryandidn’tanswer.
WonderingwhatthehellwasgoingonwithRyan,Jamesmadehiswaytothebathroom.
Whenhereturnedtothelivingroom,changedintoRyan’sshirtandjeansbecausehisownwere

sticky,hefoundRyansittingonthecouch,hisshouldershunchedforwardashestaredathishands,
hisexpressiongrim.HeglancedatJamesbeforedoingadouble-take.

“What?”Jamessaid,lookingdownathimself.Ryan’sclotheswerealittlebigforhim—Ryan

wasmoremuscularandthreeinchestaller—butJamesdidn’tthinkhelookedthatridiculous.“You
nevermindedbefore.”

“What’swrongwithyourclothes?”Ryansaid.
“They’resticky,”Jamessaidandfoundhimselfblushing.Hewasn’tsureRyanhadevennoticed

thathegotoffonsuckinghisdick;Ryancertainlynevercommentedonit.

Ryanlookedaway.“Comehere,”hesaidafteramoment,hisvoicesofterthanithadbeenin

weeks.

Jameswent.
Ryantookhiswristandpulledhimdownbeforeslinginganarmaroundhisshoulders.Witha

sigh,Jamiesaggedagainsthim,leaningintothetouchgreedily.It’dbeenweekssinceRyanhad
touchedhimlikethat.Hehadn’trealizedhowmuchhehadmissedituntilnow:thefeelofRyan’s
armsaroundhim,thewayRyanturnedhisheadandnuzzledhistemple,asifitwasthemostnatural
thingintheworld.Forthem,itwas.

“TellmeI’mnotfuckingyouup,”Ryansaidintohischeek.“Idon’twannahurtyou.Idon’twant

togiveyouthewrongimpression.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”Jamesmurmured,atendriloftrepidationcurlingupfromthepitofhis

stomach.

“I—I’mconfused,Jamie,”Ryansaid,hisvoicerough.“Ihopeyoudon’tthinkthisisanything

morethanthat.Idon’twantto—”

“Breakmyheart?”Jamesfinishedquietly.
“Yes.”
Chewingonhislip,Jamesstaredatthecarpet.“I’mnotgoingtopretendtounderstandwhat’s

goingonwithyou,”hesaid.“Iknowitwouldcrushmeif—whenyoudecideit’stooweirdforyou,
but…”Hisproud,arrogantancestorsmustbeturningintheirgraves.Hedidn’tgiveashit.Fuckpride.
Hedidn’twanttobeanunhappy,sorrybuggerwhostupidlyclungtohisprideonlybecausetherewas
nothingleft.“Idon’tcare,”hesaid,lookingRyanintheeye.“Iwantwhateveryou’rewillingtogive
meforaslongasitwilllast.”

Ryangotapinchedlookonhisface.“Youcan’tbeserious,youprat.”
Jamessmiledalittle.“What?”
“Hesayswhat,”Ryansaidflatly,shakinghisheadbeforelettingoutalaugh.“Ifaburglartries

tobreakintoyourhousethroughawindow,willyouopenthedoorforhim,too?”

“It’snotthesame.”
Ryangroaned.“Itis.”Heranahandoverhisface.“Youtrustmetoomuch.Youreally

shouldn’t.”

Frowning,Jamesstudiedhisprofile.Ryanrarelylookedsogrimandagitated.
“Idon’tknowhownottotrustyou,”hesaidsimply.
Ryan’sjawclenched.HeturnedhisheadtoJames,hiseyeshard.“Maybeyoushouldlearn,

then,”hesaid.“BecausesometimesIwanttodosomecreepyshittoyou,andtrustme,Idon’ttrust
myselfnottohurtyou.”

“You’dnever—”
“Notphysically,”Ryansaid,gettingtohisfeet.Hesteppedtothewindow,hisbackandshoulders

stiffwithtensionashegrippedthewindowsill.

Forthefirsttime,Jamesfeltatwingeofwariness.Hewaited.
Afteralongfewmoments,Ryansaid,
“Imissher.”
James’sinsidestwistedintoknots.
“Butitwasmyownchoice,”Ryansaid.“IfIhadtochoosebetweenthetwoofyouagain,I

wouldn’tchangeathing—I’dchooseyou.I’dalwayschooseyou.But…”

“Butyouhatemeforthat,”Jamiesaid,hisvoicesmallerthanhewouldhaveliked.
Ryanheavedasighandturnedaroundtolookathim.Therewasn’tatraceofhisusualeasy

smileonhisface.“It’snotjustaboutHannah.Doyouunderstandwhatthismeansforme?”Hisvoice
wasquiet,terse.“ItmeansI’llneverhaveanymeaningfulrelationshipwithanywoman.Icannever
dateanyone.IfIdo,I’lljustenduphurtingeveryoneinvolved.BecauseI’llalwayschooseyouinthe
end.”

Jamieswallowed.TheresentmentinRyan’svoicewasunmistakable.“Maybeonedayyouwon’t.

Onedayyou’llgettiredofthis—ofme.”

Ryanwalkedover,puthishandsonthebackofthecouch,trappingJamiebetweenhisarms,

theirfacesinchesapart.

“SometimesIcan’tfuckingwait,”Ryansaid.
Jamiecouldn’tbreathe.

“Butit’snevergoingtohappen,”Ryanaddedwitharuefulsmilethatdidn’treachhiseyes.

Leaningtheirforeheadstogether,hekissedthecornerofJames’smouth.“SometimesIthinkwewere
borninthewrongbodies,Jamie.Maybewewere.”Hesmiledcrookedly.“Maybeyouweremygirlin
apreviouslifeandmysoulstillremembersit.”

MaybeRyanmeantitasajoke,butitdidn’tsoundlikeone.
Jamesdidn’tknowwhattosay.
“I’dfuckyouifyouwereawoman,”Ryansaidhuskily,hiswarmbreathbrushinghislips.“I’d

spenddaysinyou,lovingyouineverypossibleway.”AsoftmoanslippedoutofJamie’smouthand
Ryansighed.“Butyou’reablokeandIjustcan’tseeyouthatway.Iseemyfriend,mybrother,my
Jamie—notsomeoneIshouldbescrewing.”

Blinkinginconfusion,JamespulledbackalittletostudyRyan’sface.“Butwhatabout…?”
Ryan’slipstwisted.“Theblowjobs?”
Jamesnodded.
Sighingagain,Ryansatheavilyonthecouch.“It’scomplicated,”hesaidwithoutlookingathim.

“Andfuckedup.”

“Tellme,”Jamessaid,frowningathim.
Ryanlaughedshortly.“Idon’tknowhowtotellyou.You’llgetoffended.I’dbepissedoffin

yourplace.”

Jamessaidnothing,waitingforRyantofinallyexplainwhatthefuckwasgoingon.
“I’vealwaysseenyouasabrotherIloveandneedtotakecareof,”Ryansaidatlast,looking

anywherebutathim.“AndnowimaginewhatIfeelwhenIseetheguyIalwaysconsideredmylittle
brotherwithmydickinhismouth,suckingitlikeit’shisfavoritethingintheworld,andmoaning
aroundmydicklikeacockslut.”

Jamesfelthischeekswarm.Hehadn’treallyputhimselfinRyan’sshoes.Hehadn’trealized

whatitwouldlooklikefromRyan’sperspective.

“Itweirdsmeout,”Ryansaid,stillnotlookingathim.“Butthat’snoteventhemostfuckedup

part.”Themusclesinhisthroatworked.“Thefuckeduppartis,Igetoffonit—onhowwrongitis.I
getoffonfuckingyourmouthbecauseitfeelswrongtodirtyyouup,andbecause—becausethere’sa
partofmethatwantstoownyou.”Hechuckled,lookinganywherebutathim.“Soyeah.Iwantit,just
forthewrongreasons.”

Oh.
Jamesmoistenedhisdrylipswithhistongue,unsurehowhefeltaboutRyan’sconfession.

Shouldhebeoffended?WhatRyanhadsaidwasn’texactlyreassuring,butitwasfarbetterthanwhat
he’dfeared:thatRyanwassoroughwithhimbecausehewaspunishinghimforlosingHannah.Ryan
justbeingonekinkybastardwasdefinitelybetter.

“Pervert,”Jamessaidwithachuckle,tryingtodiffusetheawkwardness.
Ryanlaughed—adeepbellylaughthatspreadawarmtinglethroughJames’sbody—andtugged

himintoaheadlock.“It’sallyourfault,”hesaidintoJamie’snape,hisvoiceplayfulandlight.And
justlikethat,theywerefine.

Fornow.
BecauseJamescouldn’tforgetRyan’svoicewhenhesaidhewouldneverbeabletohavea

relationshipwithanyonebecauseofJamie.Soonerorlater,thatsortofresentmentwouldkillany
affection,nomatterhowdeep.

Itwasonlyamatteroftime.

Chapter16

“Isthereareasonyou’vebeenglaringatthatblokeallevening?”
Ryantookasipfromhisglassofwineandglancedsidewaysathiseldestbrother.“Idon’tknow

whatyou’retalkingabout.”

Zachleanedagainstthewallnexttohim,sippinghiswine.Hissharpgrayeyeslingeredonhim

foramomentbeforesweepingaroundthecrowdedroom.TheirChristmascelebrationsusedtobe
small,family-onlyaffairs,butasallofthemhadgrownup,theystartedincludingsignificantothers,
kids,andcountlessfriendsoftheHardawaysiblings,anditwasalarge,crowdedpartynow.Zach’s
gazestoppedonthetallredheadwhostoodnexttotheChristmastree—thetallredheadwhowas
leaningintoJamie’spersonalspace.PaulLambert.

“Yes,that’stheguyyou’vebeenglaringat,”Zachsaiddryly.“Where’syourChristmasspirit?”
“Ihaven’tbeenglaringathim,”Ryansaid.“Ijustdon’tknowwhathe’sdoinghere.Hewasn’t

invited.”

“HecamewithLukeWhitford,whomyoudidinvite.”
“He’sJamie’sex,”Ryansaid.“Thatwankerbrokehisheartafewmonthsago.”
“Jamesdoesn’tlookheartbroken,”Zachsaid.“Heseemstobehavingfun.”
Thatwastrueenough—andthatwaspissinghimoff.RyanwantedtogooverandshakeJamie

andaskhimwhatthehellhewasdoing.LamberthadbrokenupwithJamiebecauseJamiewasn’t
readytocomeoutoftheclosetandintroducehimtohisfather.Hewassuchasoreloserthathe
couldn’tacceptthebreakupwithgraceandtoldJamiewhatacoldfishandterribleloverhewas.It
wastheultimateassholethingtodo,consideringhehadbeenJamie’sfirstboyfriend.Andnow,for
somereason,Jamiewassmilingandchattingamicablywiththeguy.

“Heshouldn’tevenbetalkingtothatprick,”Ryansaid.
“IthinkyoushouldstopbabyingJames,”Zachsaidwithawrysmile.“Youdorealizethathe’s

thesameageasyou,right?You’remoreprotectiveofhimthanyouareofMiles,who’syouractual
littlebrother.”

Ryanschooledhisfaceintoaneutralexpression,fightingtheheatthatrushedtohisface.His

familywaswellawarethatheconsideredJamieabrother—inthepast,Ryanhadn’tbotheredtohide
hisannoyancewheneverhisbrothersribbedhimaboutthenatureoftheirrelationship.Hewondered
whattheywouldthinkiftheyfoundoutabouthisrecentproclivityforputtinghisdickinJamie’s
mouth.

“Jamiecantakecareofhimself,”Ryansaid,watchingLambertleaninandsaysomethinginto

Jamie’sear,aslysmileonhisface.“Butthattossershouldstayawayfromhim.Hehadhischance,
andheblewit.”

“MaybeJamesdecidedtogivehimasecondchance,”Zachsaid,buthesoundeddistracted,his

eyesfixedonTristan,whowassmirkingathisadoptivebrotheracrosstheroom.“He’satitagain,”
hemuttered,shakinghishead,beforestalkingofftowardTristan.

RyanwatchedZachgrabhisboyfriendandgivehimasternlook.Tristanjustsmirkedwider,

lookingverypleasedwithhimself.Zachnarrowedhiseyesandtoldhimsomething,whichmade
Tristanblush.Tristanlickedhislipsandnoddedwithasurprisinglyshysmile,andthelookinZach’s
eyescouldbedescribedassomewherebetweenhungryandbesottedashegazedathisbratofa
boyfriend.

RyanshiftedhisgazebacktoJamieandLambertandfelthisjawclench.TheleeronLambert’s

facewasnauseating.Jamie…Jamiewasmoredifficulttoread.Hewassmilingandlookinginterested
inwhateverLambertwassaying,butRyanstillhadtroublebelievingZach’ssuggestionthatJamie
mighthavedecidedtogivethattosserasecondchance.Jamiedidn’tloveLambert.Jamiewasinlove
withhim.RegardlessofhowRyanfeltaboutit,thatwassomethinghehadcometoaccept.Except…
exceptJamiehadbeengenuinelyupsetafterhisbreakupwithLambert.AndLamberthadbeenhis
first.Amanneverforgothisfirst.

Pressinghislipstogether,RyantoldhimselfJamiehatedbeingcoddled.Nottomentionthatany

attempttointerferewouldlooklikejealousy.Itwasmorethanenoughthathekeptscrewingwithhis
friend’smindbecausehecouldn’tkeephisdickoutofhismouth;hedidn’twanttogiveJamiethe
wrongimpressionandmesswithhisheadanyfurther.Ryanwasn’tjealous,ofcourse.Ifithadbeen
someotherguy—adecentguy—RyanwouldonlybegladthatJamiewasinterestedinsomeonewho
couldreturnhisfeelings.Hewouldbeglad.Probably.

Ryanalmostlaughed.Shit,whowashekidding?HewasnolongersureofanythingwhereJamie

wasconcerned.Hispossessivenesshadbeenworsesincehehadstartedputtinghisdickinhisbest
friend’smouth—hesometimescaughthimselfthinkingofJamie’smouthashisproperty,which
was…fuckinginsane.

Grimacing,Ryanshookhishead.Hecouldn’tallowhimselftobeginthinkingthatway.These

proprietarythoughtswereridiculous.WhatheandJamiehadwasn’tnormalorhealthyforeitherof
them.IfJamiefoundsomeonehegenuinelyliked,someonewhocouldgivehimanormal
relationship,goodforhim.

Butnomatterwhathetoldhimself,hecouldn’tjuststandasideandwatchthattrainwreck.That

gitdidn’tdeserveJamieandwouldenduphurtinghim—again.

Ryanfoundhimselfmovingtowardthepair.
“Hey,”Ryansaid,placingahandonJamie’sneckandfixingLambertwithasteadylook.“I

don’trememberinvitingyou.Whatwasyournameagain?”

Jamieelbowedhimnot-so-discreetly.
Lambertplasteredasmileonhisface.“It’sLambert.PaulLambert.Goodtoseeyouagain.

WhenLuke—”

“Excuseus,Lambert,”Ryansaid,steeringJamieaway.
“Whatthehellwasthat?”JamiesaidassoonastheywereoutofLambert’searshot.
“Shouldn’tIbeaskingthat?”Ryansaid,dragginghimupstairswhereitwasquieter.Heushered

Jamieintohisbedroom,shutthedoor,tookJamie’sshoulders,andpeeredintohiseyes.“Whatdo
youthinkyou’redoing?Lambertwasatotaldicktoyouwhenyoubrokeup.”

Avertinghisgaze,Jamieshrugged.
Ryan’seyesnarrowed.“Areyoutryingtoprovesomething?”

Jamiedidn’tanswer.
“James.”
Jamieflinchedandgavehimastartledlook.“YounevercallmeJames.”
“MaybeIfinallydecidedtolistentoyouandcallyouwhateveryoneelsedoes.”
TheexpressiononJamie’sfacewasratherpriceless.
Ryansmiled.“Don’ttellmeyouactuallylovebeingJamiejustforme.”Hewasteasing.
Exceptinsteadoflaughing,Jamieblushed.
TheireyeslockedandRyanfelthissmilefade.Maybeitwasridiculousconsideringeverything

thathadhappenedbetweenthem,butthiswasthefirsttimehetrulyrealizedthatJamiewasinlove
withhim—thatJamiegotbutterfliesinhisstomachwhenRyansmiledathim,thathemightliketobe
calledbymushypetnamesandendearments.

“You’reblushing,”Ryansaid,brushinghisknucklesoverJamie’scheeklightly.Jamieshivered

alittle,hislipsparting.Ryan’sgazedroppedtothemandhecringedinwardly,tryingtoignorethe
familiarstirringofarousal.It’dbeentwodayssincetheirconversation…sincethelasttime.Jamie
hadcalledhimapervert.Jamiewasright,becauseevennow,withhisfamilyandfriendsjustafew
stepsawayoutsidethedoor,hewantedtopushtheguyhealwaysconsideredababybrothertohis
kneesandshovehisdickintoJamie’smouth,eventhoughapartofhimfeltitwaswrong,sickand
fuckedup.

ThedoorbehindRyanopened.Itwashismother.
“Darling,yourfatherishere,”shetoldJamie,frowning.“Heseemsagitated.He’swaitingfor

youdownstairs.”

Hiseyeswide,JamielookedatRyan.“Whatdoyouthinkhewants?”heasked,alookofanxiety

crossinghisfeatures.“Henevercomeslookingformehere.”Hepulledhisphoneoutofhispocket
andgrimaced.“IforgotIputitonsilent.Ihavethreemissedcallsfromhim.Doyouthinksomething
happened?”

“Calmdown,”Ryansaid,layingahandonJamie’sshoulder.“It’sprobablynothing.”
Theybothknewitwasunlikelytobenothing,butJamierelaxedunderhistouchalittle.“Let’s

go,”hesaid.

Ryanfollowedhimdownstairs,tothesmallroomwhereZachkeptmedicalrecordsofhis

regularclients.

ArthurGraysonstoodthere,withhisbackstraightandhishandsinhispockets.Hisfacewas

inscrutable,butRyanknewArthurwellenoughtonoticethesubtletensioninhisbody.Hismother
waswrong:Arthurwasn’tagitated—hewasfurious.

“Iwishtospeaktomysonalone,”Arthursaidinadeceptivelycalm,quietvoice.
Jamiesaidnothing.
Ryanglancedathim.“I’llstay,”hetoldArthurinatonethatbrookednoargument.
AmusclejumpedinArthur ’scheek.“Thisisaprivatematter,Hardaway.”
“I’llstay,”Ryanrepeated,leaninghishipagainstthedesk.“JustpretendI’mnothere.”
HehadneverseenArthursoenraged.Arthurwasn’taphysicallyimposingman,butwhathe

lackedinheight,hemadeupforinsheerpresence.“You—”

RyanheldArthur ’sgazesteadily,notatallintimidated.
Arthurwasthefirsttolookaway.“James,”hebitout.“Tellyourfriendtoleave.”
“Youcansayanythinginfrontofhim.Wehavenosecrets.”
AsneercurledArthur ’slips.“Doesheknowyou’reashirt-lifter,then?”
Swearingontheinside,RyanlookedatJamie,whohadgonedeathlypale.Ryanforcedhimself

tostaystill,eventhoughallhewantedwastoenvelopJamieinhisarmsandtakehimawayfromthis
room,fromthatman.Jamiewouldn’twanthisinterference.Hewouldn’twanttoappearweakinfront

ofhisfather.

HewatchedJamieswallowandattempttoschoolhisfaceintoablankmask.“Howhaveyou

foundout?”heasked,hisvoicesurprisinglycalm.

Arthur ’ssneertookonadisgustededge.Hepulledanenvelopeoutofhisinnerpocketand

slammeditonthedesk.

Jamiehesitatedbeforewalkingoverandopeningit.Hislipspressedtogetherwhenhepulledout

thephotographs.Theywereblurry,butevenfromafewfeetaway,RyanrecognizedJamieand
Lambert.Theywerekissing.LamberwaskissingJamie’smouth.Jamie’smouth.

Anuglyemotiontwistedhisstomach.ThenRyanrealizedthepicturesmusthavebeentaken

severalmonthsago.Hebreathedoutandunclenchedhisfists,disturbedhisownreaction.

“ImaginemysurprisewhenajournalistapproachedmeattheChristmasball.”Arthur ’svoice

couldhavecutadiamond.“Ihadtopayhimasmallfortuneforhissilence.”

“Youshouldn’thave,”Jamiesaid,hisvoicestillfirmeventhoughhelookedlikehewasabout

tobesick.“I’mnotashamedofmysexuality.I’mgay.Ithappens.”

“Insolentboy,”Arthursaid.“Luckilyforyou,I’mwillingtoforgetthiseverhappened.Youwill

marryMeganCadoganinthreemonths.”

“Iwon’t,”Jamiesaid,liftinghischin.“Don’tyougetthatI’mgay,Dad?”
“Stopsayingthat,”Arthurhissed,handsballedintofistsbyhissides.
Ryaneyedthem.“Eithercalmdown,orgetout.Sir.”
AmuscleinArthur ’sjawstartedticking.“Allofthisisyourfault.IfJameshadn’tclungtoyou

throughouthisformativeyears,hewouldhavebeennormal.”

“He’sperfectlynormal,”Ryangrittedout.“Andifyoucan’tstopinsultinghim,you’dbetterget

outbeforeIplantmyfistinyourface.Sir.”

“Ryan,”Jamiesaidsoftly.“Don’t.He’sjustupset.He’llgetoverit.”
“Upset,”Ryanrepeatedindisbelief.
“Yeah,”Jamiesaid,thoughtherewasnorealconvictioninhisvoice.“He’supsetbecausehe

lovesme.He’sdisappointedbecausehehadexpectations.That’sit.Itwouldhavebeenworseifhe
didn’tcareatall.”

Arthur ’sfacewasastonymask,impossibletoreadashestaredathisson.“Areyoustill…

associatingwiththatman?”hesaid,jerkinghisheadtowardtheenvelope.

“Webrokeupmonthsago,”Jamiesaid.“Butitdoesn’tmatter.I’mstillgay.Iwasgoingtotell

you.Idon’twanttomarryMegan.Iwant—IwanttobewithsomeoneIlove.”Immediately,heflushed,
lookinghighlyuncomfortable.

“Someoneyoulove,”Arthurrepeatedflatly.HelookedatRyan,hiseyesnarrowed.“Andwho

wouldthatbe?”

“Doesn’tmatter,”Jamiesaid,lookinganywherebutatRyan.“Mypointis,it’snottheMiddle

AgesandIdon’thavetomarrysomeoneIdon’tlovetogettheheir.Thereareotherways.”

ArthurwasstilllookingatRyan,hiseyessharp.Ryanheldhisgazeunflinchingly.Hewasn’t

completelysurewhetherArthurhadguessedthetruthornot,buthewasn’tgoingtobetheoneto
confirmArthur ’ssuspicions.

Finally,Arthurlookedbackathisson.“Donotbefoolish.Gettinganheirisnottheonlyreason

wewantthealliancewiththeCadogans.You’recorrect:it’snottheMiddleAges.Wehaditmuch
easierintheMiddleAges.Wewererespected,wewerefeared,wehadpower,wehadwealth,because
ourestateswereactuallyprofitable.Nowthefewofuswhohavemanagedtoholdontoourancestral
homesandfortuneareenviedandhatedbythosewhothinkwe’reathingofthepast.DoIneedto
remindyouhowmanyancestralmansionshavebeendemolishedinEnglandinthepastcentury?How
muchculturalheritagehasbeenlost?Howmanyoldfamilieshavebecomeirrelevant?TheGraysons

arestillatthetopbecauseeachgenerationofourfamilymadesureweremainthere.Iwillnotallow
youtobetheonetoruinus.”

Theworstpartwas,Ryanthoughtgrimly,Arthuractuallybelievedinwhathewassaying.Ifhe

weresimplytryingtomanipulatehissonwithprettywordsaboutduty,itwouldhavebeeneasierfor
Jamietosaynotohim.ButArthurwasclearlypassionateabouthisfamilyandproudofhisheritage,
andevenRyanfeltatwingeofsympathy.HeknewArthurwasn’tlying.Thetaxesintroducedinthe
twentiethcenturyhaddirectlyhitthearistocracyandgentry,makingitunviableforthemtokeeptheir
hugecountryhouses.ConsideringhowmanyoldestatestheGraysonshadmanagedtokeepand
renovate,themaintenancecostsalonewereprobablyinsane.

Arthur ’svoicesoftenedalittle.“You’restillyounganddon’tunderstandthatwecan’talways

havewhatwewant.Sometimeswhatwewantisirrelevant.Sometimeswhatwewantisimpossible.”

Jamie’sexpressionshattered.
Asifsensingweakness,Arthursaid,hisvoiceevensofter,“I’mwillingtoforgiveyour

transgressionaslongasyouunderstandthatthis—thisphaseisover.Youwillnotflauntyour…
unnaturalness.Idonotcarewhatyoudointheprivacyofyourbedroom,butyouaretomarry
Cadogan’sgirl.”

ToRyan’sconsternation,Jamiedidn’trefuseimmediately.
“Whatatouchingspeech,”afamiliarvoicesaid.
Tristanwasleaningagainstthedoorway,hisarmscrossedoverhischest,aboredlookonhis

face.ButitwasArthur ’sexpressionthatcaughtRyan’sattention.Jamie’sdadpaled,hiseyeswideas
hestaredatTristan.Helookedasifhe’djustseenaghost.

TristanmetArthur ’sgaze.“What?”hesaidsoftly.“DoIlookthatmuchlikeher?”
Hisforeheadcreasing,RyanglancedbetweenArthurandTristanbeforelookinginquiringlyat

Jamie.Jamieshruggedwithaconfusedfrown.

“Yeah,whenIwasakid,IwastoldIwasthespittingimageofher,”Tristansaidamiably.

“Exceptfortheeyes,ofcourse.”Hisblue-greeneyeswereverycold,contrastingwithhispleasant,
nicesmile.Thoseeyeswere…Fuckinghell.TheywereexactlylikeArthur ’s,downtotheirfrosty
expression.TristanwasthesamemediumheightandbuildasArthur.

Realizingwhereitwasgoing,RyansteppedclosertoJamieandtouchedhiswrist.Jamie

grabbedhishandandsqueezed,lookingbetweenhisfatherandTristan.“Dad?”

Arthurdidn’tevenlookhisway,hisgazelockedonTristan.
“IfIwereyou,James,”Tristansaid.“Iwouldn’tlistentoawordhesays.He’stheworstkindof

hypocrite.”

“I’mnotahypocrite,”Arthursaid.Hisvoicesoundedstrange.“Yourexistenceonlyprovesit.”
Tristansmiledbrightly.“Oh,youdorecognizeme!Howniceofyou,Daddy.”
Arthurflinched.
JamiesqueezedRyan’sfingershard,hiseyeswide.
“Butyeah,Iguessyou’reright,”Tristansaid.“I’mlivingproofthataGraysonshouldalways

ignoreirrelevantandinconvenientthings.”

“You’reproofthatwecan’talwayshavewhatwewant,”Arthursaidtonelessly.“Andmustdo

whatwemust.”Heclearedhisthroat,andforthefirsttimeever,RyansawArthurlookdistinctly
uncomfortable.“Ididloveyourmother.”

Tristan’ssmileremainedfirmlyinplace,thoughhiseyesgrewevencolder.“I’msureit

comfortedherwhileshediedalone,withonlyafive-year-oldforcompany.”Hissmilewas
practicallyblindingnow.“AndIsurefeltthelovewhenIspentthreedayswithherdeadbodyuntilthe
neighborscomplainedaboutthesmellandcalledtheauthorities.”

Arthur ’sfacewasalittlegreen.Hekeptswallowingconvulsively.

“Enough,Tristan,”Zachsaidinalowvoice.Ryanhadn’tevennoticedhimappearbehindhis

boyfriend—perhapsbecausemostofRyan’sattentionwasonJamie,whostillhadadeathlygripon
hishand.

“ButIjuststarted,”Tristansaidwithagrinthatwasonlyalittleshaky.
Zach’sarmscameupandpulledTristanbackagainsthischest.“Heisn’tworthit,”hesaid,

kissingTristan’stemple.HeaddedsomethinginaquietervoiceandTristanrelaxed,theiceinhiseyes
melting.

“You—”Arthursaid,staringatTristanandZachinobviousdistaste.
“Yes,”Tristansaid,lookingoddlystrongandfragilenowthathewasinthesafetyofZach’s

arms.“I’mapoofter,too.”Hegrinned,aflickerofamusementcrossinghisface.“Mustbethegenes
oftheprickwhofatheredbothofus.”

Arthurwasn’tamusedatall.“Iwillnotallowyoutospeaktomeinsuchatone.I’myour—”
“Youaren’tmyanything,”Tristanhissedout,allofhisfalsecheerfulnessgone.“Youhaveonly

oneson.Theoneyouchose.”

SomethingshiftedinArthur ’sexpression.
Tristansmiledagain,anice,serenesmilethatwasjustalittletoosharparoundtheedges.“And

youknowwhat?Youmadetherightchoice.IwouldhavebeennowhereasmalleableasJames.”

Jamiemadeasoftnoiseinthebackofhisthroat.Ryanclaspedhisshoulder,rubbinghisthumb

incircles.

“Regardlessofhowyoufeelaboutit,Iamyourfather,”Arthursaidtersely.
“You’retwentyyearstoolate,”Tristansaid,barelymovinghislips.“Youhadthechancetobe

myfather.Youchosenottobe.”

“Icouldn’t,”Arthursaid.“NowIcangiveyou—”
“Idon’twantanythingfromyou,”Tristansaid.“Idon’tneedyouandIdon’tneedtheGrayson

money.Ihavemyown,plentyofit.Youdon’thaveanybusinesspokingyournoseinmylife,Lord
Lytton.”

“Well,it’stoolateforthat,”Arthursaid.
Tristan’seyesnarrowed.“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”
Arthurlooked…annoyed.“Youthinkyouandyouradoptivebrotherwerejustconveniently

discoveredbyaLondonfootballclub’sscout?Thatitwasacoincidence?”

Tristanpaled.“Youmean…”
“Yes,”Arthursaidirritably.“ObviouslyIcouldn’tforcethemtosigntwoFrenchteenagersif

theydidn’thavethetalent,butIdidpersuadethescouttogiveyouachance.”

Paleaspaper,Tristanwhispered,“Why?”
“Becauseyou’remyson,”Arthursaid,hisjawworking.“Becauseyou’reherson.Anditwas

easiertokeepaneyeonyouifyouwereinthesamecountry.”

Tristanopenedandclosedhismouth.Hegaveashort,brittlelaugh.“Youhadtotakethisaway

frommetoo,huh?”hesaid,hisvoicecrackingalittlebeforeheturnedaroundandleft.

Ryanhadneverseenhisbrotherlooksolivid.Zachgratedout,“Getoutofmyhouseanddon’t

comeback.”Heleft,callingTristan’sname.

Silencefellupontheroom.
ArthurwasstillstaringattheplaceTristanhadstood.
Jamiewasstaringathisfather.“Why?”hewhisperedhoarsely.
Arthurflinchedandlookedathisson,asifonlynowrealizingJamiewasthere.
“Howcouldyou?”Jamiesaid,hisvoicerisinginvolume.“He’sthesameageasme.Youhada

womanonthesidewhileMumwaspregnant?”

Arthur ’slipsthinned.“Leaveus,”hetoldRyan.

“I’mnotgoinganywhere,”Ryansaid.
Arthurglancedattheirclaspedhandswithobviousdistastebutwassmartenoughnotto

commentonit.“It’scomplicated,”hetoldhisson.

Jamieglaredathim.“YoualreadyruinedChristmasforme.Theleastyoucandoisexplainwhy

youwerecheatingonyourwifewhileshewaspregnant.”

Arthurturnedawaytolookoutthewindow.“Iwasyoungandfoolish,”hesaidbriskly.“She

was…shewasthemostbeautifulwomanI’deverseen.Icouldn’tstayawayfromher,eventhoughshe
wasfromadifferentworld:anuneducatedgypsy,poorerthanourlowestservants.”Arthurletouta
harshchuckle.“Yourgrandfatherwasconvincedshehadbewitchedme.Perhapsshedid.Iwantedher
likeI’dneverwantedanythinginmylife.”

Jamietookinanaudiblebreathandsaidinasmallvoice,“Whydidyouchooseusifyouwanted

them?”

“Icouldn’tpossiblyleavemypregnantwifeforagypsy,”Arthursaidtonelessly.“Youknow

yourgrandmotherhadaweakheart.ShehadaheartattackwhenItoldherthatIrefusedtoendmy
affair—thatIwantedtodivorcemypregnantwife.”WhenArthurspokeagain,helookedJamie
straightintheeye.“I’mnotproudofmyself.Mybehaviorwasreckless,impulsiveandcompletely
unfittingforaGrayson.Iwasabesottedfool.Butitwasagoodlearningexperience.Ilearnedthat
sometimesitdoesn’tmatterwhatwewant.Sometimeswemustdowhatwemust.Ibrokeupwithher.
Mymotherrecoveredandyourmotherdidn’tfindout—notthen,atleast.”

Jamieasked,“DidyouknowTristan’smotherwaspregnantwithhim?”
AshadowcrossedArthur ’sface.“No,”hesaidtersely.“Sincehe’safewmonthsolderthanyou,

itappearssheneglectedtoinformmeofherpregnancyonpurpose.Shewasfoolishlyproudlikethat.
IfoundoutthatIhadanothersononlywhensheappearedonmydoorstepfiveyearslater.She
looked…shelookedveryill,nearlyunrecognizable.Shebeggedmetotakecareoftheboy.”

“Andyourefused?”Ryancutin,notbotheringtohidehisdisgust.
Arthurpressedhislipstogether.“Noteverythingisblackandwhite,Hardaway.Shecameata

badtime.James’sgrandmotherwaslivingwithusatthetime,sinceherhealthwasdeteriorating.SoI
turnedthemaway,butIdidintendtofindthemandtoofferthemhelpdiscreetly.Butitturnedouttobe
moredifficultthanIexpected.WhentheprivatedetectiveIhiredfinallytrackedthemdownmonths
later,shewasdeadandtheboyhadbeenadoptedalready.”Ryandidn’tthinkArthurwasawareofit,
buthiseyessoftenedalittle.“Hewasabeautifulchild,soIwasn’tsurprisedhehadbeenadoptedso
quickly.Ihadpeoplewatchinghim,evenwhenhisadoptiveparentsmovedtoFrance.Aftertheydied,
Iwasforcedtointerfere,butgenerallyIstayedawayfromhim.”

RyancouldnolongerfeelhisfingersbecauseofJamie’sgrip.
“Why?”Jamiesaid.“Nothingwouldhavestoppedyoufromtakinghiminafterhisadoptive

parentsdied.GrandmotherdiedwhenIwasseven,andMumandyouweren’tateachother ’sthroatsat
thatpoint.”

“Iwantedtoclaimhimasmine.Butyourmotherwasn’thappywhenItoldher.That’swhywe’ve

been‘ateachother ’sthroats’eversince,asyouputit.”

“What?”Jamiesaidwithafrown.“Shewouldn’t.”
AwrysmiletouchedArthur ’slips.“Shewould.Shedid.Itisratherunderstandable.Shewould

havebeenhumiliatedifIclaimedtheboyasmyownandsocietyfoundoutaboutit.Shethreatenedto
divorcemeandmoveawayfromEngland,takingyouwithher.”

Ryan’sheartclenchedwhenJamie’sfacelitup.“Youdidn’twanttoloseme?”
Arthurgavehimanunimpressedlook.“OfcourseIdidn’t.You’remysonandmylegitimate

heir.Tristancouldneverinheritthetitle.Icouldn’tallowmyheirtobemovedtoanothercountry.”

Jamie’sfacefell.RyanwonderedifArthurwasjustinsensitiveordidn’tcare.

“Besides,Iknewtheboywouldn’tforgiveme.”AfaintsmileappearedonArthur ’sface.“That

boyisaGrayson,throughandthrough.He’stooproudandstrong-willed.”Therewassomeirritation
inArthur ’svoice—buttherewasreluctantadmiration,too.

RyancouldalmostphysicallyfeelhowmuchithurtJamie.ArthurhadnevergivenJamieany

indicationthatheadmiredhim:loved,yes,butadmired?No.InArthur ’sopinion,Jamiewastoosoft-
heartedandweak.

“Tristanisgay,too,”Ryansaid,squeezingJamie’sfingers.
Arthur ’sexpressiondidn’tchange.“Ihavebeenawareofthatforquitesometime,butatleasthe

knowshowtobediscreetabouthispersonallife.Andheisnotmyheir,sowhathedoesinhis
bedroomisirrelevant,inanycase.”HeshotJamieasharplook.“Iwillseeyouathome.Iexpectyou
tohavecometoyoursensesbythattime.”

Jamie’sfaceremainedblankuntilthedoorclosedafterArthur.
Then,hesaid,withoutlookingatRyan,“Canwegotoyourplace?Iwanttobesomewhere

withoutpeople.”

“He’sfullofshit,”Ryansaid.
Jamieshookhishead.“Notnow.Please.Justtakemehome.”
Ryantookhimhome.

Chapter17

Anhourlater,RyanwatchedJamiesitonthefloorofhislivingroom,saggedagainstthecouch.

Jamie’sunseeinggazewasfixedontheceiling,hishandscurledaroundabottleofvodkalikeitwas
hislifeline.

“Stopstaringatme,”Jamiesaid,withoutlookingathim.“Drinkwithme.Ifeelevenmore

patheticdrinkingalone.”

RyangotabottleforhimselfandsatdownbyJamie’sside,pressingtheirshoulderstogether.He

openedthebottlebutdidn’tdrink.“Don’tsaythat.You’renotpathetic.”

“Ifeelprettydamnpathetic,”Jamiesaid,hisgazestillontheceiling.RyanwatchedJamie’s

Adam’sapplebobupanddownasJamiemurmured,“Acompletefailureonallfronts.”Hetooka
swigfromhisbottle,hispaleeyelashesconcealinghisexpression.“Youknowtheworstpart?Ithink:
what’sthepointingoingagainsthim?IfIhadsomethingtofightfor,Iwouldhave.ButIdon’t.”He
smiled.“AtleastI’llmakeonepersonhappyifImarryMeganandcontinuethelineofobscenelyrich,
aristocraticbittersods.”

“Don’tsaythat.”
Jamielookedathimforalongtime,hiseyestoobright.“Butit’strue,”hesaidquietly.“I’ma

disappointmenttoeveryone.ToDad,becauseI’mnotlikehim—orlikeTristan.”Jamiechuckled.
“Youknow,it’sfunny.I’vethoughtacoupleoftimesthatTristanwouldhavemadeafarbetter
Graysonthanme,andnow…NowIhaveabrotherwhoprobablyhatesmeandadadwhosecretly
wishesIwasthebastardone.”Helookeddownathisbaretoes.“Ican’tevendothegaythingright.I
fuckedupeventhatwhenIwentandfellinlovewiththeonemanIcouldneverhave.”

Ryanavertedhisgazeforamoment,puttinghisbottleaside.“Jamie—”
“YouknowI’mright,”Jamiesaidwithasmallsmile.“AndDadisright:somethingsarejust

impossible.Wemustdowhatwemust.”

“Fuckyourdad.”
“No,thanks.I’mnotintothatkindofthing.”Jamiegiggledathisownjoke,thenstarted

laughing,butsoonthesharp,hystericaledgetohisgigglesbecamepainfultolisten.

Ryanclenchedhisjaw.Itwasn’tagoodideatocomforthimwhileJamiewassoemotionally

compromisedalready;heknewthat.Buthisheartdidn’tagree.Jamieneededhim,morethanever,and
thatbroughtouthiseveryprotectiveinstinct—andwhereJamiewasconcerned,Ryanhadtoomanyof
them.

He’dalwaysknownthathisaffectionforJamiewasalittleweird,alittletoomuch,alittletoo

possessiveandprotective.Evenwhenhe’dhadnothing,hewantedtogiveJamieeverything,addicted
tothefeelingoftakingcareofhim.ForallthewaysRyanhadadmiredHannahforbeingindependent
andrefusingtobelongtoanyonebutherself,withJamieitwastheopposite:Ryanfuckingloved
beingneededbyhim.Andnow,againsthisbetterjudgment,hiseveryinstinctwaswiredtodo
whateverittooktomakeJamiefeelbetter,eventhoughheknewthat,inthelongrun,hisinterference
could—would—hurtJamiemore.

Butfuck,hecouldn’twatchthisanymore.
Sighing,RyanpulledJamiecloseandwrappedhiminhisarms.Jamie’slaughterdied.Hemade

asoftsoundandsaggedagainstRyan,practicallymeltingintotheembrace.

Ryanstaredattheplatinumblondheadonhischest,acutelyawarethatthiswasn’tthebehavior

ofafriend.Jamiedidn’twanthisbestmaterightnow;hewantedcomfortfromthepersonhewasin
lovewith.Jamiewantedlove.

Ryan’sstomachtightened.Hewonderedonceagainwhetheritwasemotionalmanipulation.

Possibly.ButhehatedJamie’sstateofmindlately:dejected,almostdepressed,andguiltyforthings
Jamiehadnocontrolover.Fuckit.AslongasitmadeJamiefeelbetter,hedidn’tgiveashitaboutthe
moralimplicationsofit.

“Don’tbesilly,”Ryansaid,nuzzlingintoJamie’shairandkissingthetopofhishead.“Youthink

wewouldhavebeenusifyouwerelikeTristan?Iknowhe’saprettygoodblokebehindthatprickly
facade—hemustbe,ormybrotherwouldn’tbeinlovewithhim—butasfarasI’mconcerned,hehas
nothingonyou.”HebrushedhislipsagainstJamie’stemple.“Noonedoes.Don’tyouknowhow
muchIfuckingadoreyou?”

“Ryan,”Jamiemurmured,squirmingagainsthislipsbutnotpullingaway.“Iknowwhatyou’re

tryingtodo.Don’t.”

“Yes,Iamtryingtomakeyoufeelbetter,”Ryansaid,hisvoicehardyethonest.“Butyouknow

I’mnotlying.Forfuck’ssake,Ibrokeitoffwithmygirlfriendforyou.”

Jamiewinced.“Isthatsupposedtomakemefeelbetter?”
“Yes,”Ryansaid,tippingJamie’sfaceuptomeethiseyes.“BecauseIthinkitproves

something.”

Hischeekscoloring,Jamieblinkedrapidlyandlookeddownatthebottleinhishand.Hetooka

biggulpandpresseditagainstRyan’slips.

Ryanchuckled.“Areyoutryingtogetmedrunkandtakeadvantageofme?”Butheobligedand

tookaswig.

“You’veuncoveredmyevilmasterplan,”Jamiesaid,bringingthebottlebacktohismouth.His

eyeswereglisteningashetookanothersip.“WhatshallIdonow?”

“Tostopdrinkingwouldbeagoodstart,”Ryansaid,takingthebottleawayfromhimand

settingitaside.“You’retipsyalready.”

Jamie’sbottomlippokedout.
“Hasn’tyourmothertaughtyouhowunbecomingpoutingis?”Ryansaidwithamockingsmile

andkissedthecornerofJamie’spoutingmouth.

“It’sreallyhardtokeepdelusionsincheckwhenyoudostufflikethis,youknow,”Jamiesaid

withapinchedlook.

Shit.
Grimacinginwardly,Ryansmiled.“Isitreallyanystrangerthantheblowjobsyougaveme?”

Thehumorcameoutalittleflat.Thiswasstillveryshakyground,atopichewasn’tcomfortable
thinkingabout,muchlessdiscussing.

“Yes,actually,”Jamiesaidwithalopsidedsmile.“BecauseIcouldrationalizetheblowjobs:I

couldtellmyselfyou’rejustaconfused,kinkypervert.Butthis…it’shardertorationalizeitaway.”

Ryanstaredathim.Hewasright.WhywashekissingJamieonthelips?Jamie’smouthwasn’t

actuallyhisproperty,dammit.

“Thiswholethinghasbeensuchamindfuckforme,”hesaidwithasigh.“Idon’tknowwhatthe

fuckI’mdoing,Jamie.”HelaidahandonJamie’snape,brushinghisneckwithhisthumb.“ButI
knowonething:Idon’twantyoutogethurt.Andyouwillifyoustartthinkingthisissomethingit
isn’t.Yousaidyou’dtakewhateverIwaswillingtogiveyou,butyoureallyshouldn’t.Don’tletme
crosstheline.Ican’tgiveyouwhatyouwant.Youdeservebetter.”

AtouchofsadnessflashedthroughJamie’sblue-greeneyesbeforehenoddedandsagged

againstRyan’schestagain.“You’restillhopingI’llfalloutoflovewithyou,aren’tyou?”

Thequestiongavehimpause.Ryanfrowned.“No,”hesaidslowly.“IguessI’veacceptedit.”
Jamiejusthummed,hispalefingersplayingwiththehemofRyan’sshirt.
Minutestickedawayinsilence,andnowthathehadnothingelsetofocuson,Ryanbecame

acutelyawarethatJamiewasinhislap.Whilethetwoofthemwerenostrangerstosnugglingand
cuddling,thiswasnew.Thiswasthewayhewouldsitwithagirlfriend.Ithadn’tbeenabigdealwith
Hannah;withJamieitfelt…different.Jamiemightbeslighterandshorterthanhim,buthewasaguy,
andnotasmallone.

“CanIaskyousomething?”Ryanmurmured,decidingagainsttellingJamietogetoffhislap.

Jamieseemedcomfortable.Anditwasn’texactlyhardship,anyway.

“Yeah?”
“Whendiditstart?”
Jamiedidn’tneedtoaskwhathemeant.“PrettymuchwhenIfiguredoutwhatmydickwasfor,”

hesaidwithasoftchuckle.“ButI’vebeenhalfindenialforyears.Until…”

“Untilwhat?”
JamieliftedhisheadtolookatRyan.“UntilIaccidentallysawyouhavesexwithErica.”
“Erica?”
Jamierolledhiseyes.“Weweresixteen.Idon’texpectyoutorememberher.Youwereatotal

man-slutbackthen.”

“Iwassixteen,”Ryansaid,notbotheringtodenytheslutpart.Hehadbeen.
Jamiesnorted,hisfingersplayingwiththebottombuttonofRyan’sshirt.“Anyway,Isawyou

havesexwithher.”

Ryansmiled,amuseddespitehimself.“Youdon’thavesexatsixteen,Jamie—youfuck,hoping

you’redoingitright.It’squick,horny,andawkwardashell.Iwasprobablybetteratitthanyour
averagesixteen-year-old,butIwasstillprettymediocre.”

“Tomyvirgineyes,yourtechniquewasfine,”Jamiemuttered,droppinghisgazetoRyan’s

shirt.“Itwas…”

Ryanstayedsilent,watchinghimcuriously.
“UpuntilthatmomentIhadbeenhalfindenial,”Jamiesaidatlast.“Ihadbeenhopingitwasjust

aphase,somethingthatwouldpass.But—butitwashardtoremainindenialwhenIrealizedIwanted
totakethegirl’splace.”Jamieliftedhiseyes,thefamiliarshamelessexpressionbackinthem.“I
wantedtobetheoneunderyou,theoneyouwerefucking.”

RyanstaredatJamie,theroomsoquietthathecouldhearthesoundofthefridgeinthekitchen.
“Ihadabitofanidentitycrisisafterthat,”Jamiesaid,wettinghislipswithhistongue.“Ihated

mybody,hatedthatIwantedthingsmybodycouldn’thaveandshouldn’twant.”Jamieblushed.
“Sometimes…sometimesIhatedbeingaboyandwishedIwerebornasagirl,sothatIcouldknow
whatitfeltliketohaveyou—haveyouthatway.Iwanteditsobadly.Ithadbecomesomethingofan
obsession—togetyouinsideme.”

Ryanwasn’tsurehowtoreacttoaconfessionlikethat.Hismouthwasdry.WhatJamiewas

sayingwasmorethanalittlemessedupforvariousreasons.Buttherewassomethingaboutit—the
partaboutJamieneedinghim,wantingtohavehiminsidehim—thatappealedtothetwistedpartof
himthatwantedtoownJamieineverypossibleway,eventhoughhisrationalpartcringedand
thoughtthatitwaswrong.

“Prettyfuckedup,yeah?”Jamiesaidwitharuefulsmile.“ButthatwasbeforeIdidsome

researchandfoundoutthatmencouldbelikethattogether,too.ThatwaswhenIdiscovereddildos.”

Ryandidn’tknowwhatJamiewastryingtoachieve.IfhisaimwastomakeRyanuncomfortable

ashell,hewassucceeding.“Jamie—”

“Ilovedusingthem,”Jamiemurmured,hisfaceredbuthisjawsetstubbornly,alookof

determinationinhiseyes.“Ilovedit.Igotkindaaddictedtoit.”Helaughedalittle.“Theproblemwas,
Ialwaysimaginedthatitwasyou,sowhenIactuallyhadsexwithmyboyfriends,Ifuckedthembut
couldn’tletthemfuckme—itseemedwrong.”Jamie’sgazeheldRyan’s,hisexpressionoddly
vulnerableanddaringatthesametime.“Soyeah,I’vewantedyoutofuckmesinceIwassixteen.”

“Areyoutryingtoshockme?”Ryansaidwithashortlaugh.
Jamieshrugged.“Maybe.Isitworking?”Jamiecockedhishead,studyinghimwithan

unreadablelookinhiseyes.“Areyoudisgusted?”

“No,”Ryansaid.Hefeltmanythings,butdisgustwasn’toneofthem.
Jamielickedhislips.“Iwanttosuckyourcock.”
Ryanstared.Evenaftereverythingthathadhappenedinthepastfewweeks,hearingthatwasstill

sodamnsurreal.Butthenagain,Jamieseemedtobeinastrangestateofmindthisevening.Ryan
knewhehadonlyhimselftoblameforthissituation.HeshouldhavestayedawaywhileJamiewas
emotionallycompromisedinsteadofhavingJamieinhisfuckinglap.

“Areyoudrunk?”Ryansaid,tryingtoignorethestirringinhisgroin.
Jamieshookhishead.“YouknowI’mnot.SocanIsuckyourcock?”
Ryanhadneverbeforethoughtasentencecouldsoundsowrongandarousingatthesametime.
Heshouldsayno.Theyshouldstopdoingthis.ButthatincessantdrivetosatisfyJamie’sneeds

wasfuckingwithhismind,makingithardertosaynowhenJamietookhissilenceforayesand
startedunzippinghisjeans.Hiscockwashardening,hisbodyrespondingtoJamie’sneedlikeastud
smellingamareinheat.Fuckinghell.ThiswasJamie.HisJamie.Jamiewasn’tforfucking.Putting
hiscockinJamie’smouthstillfeltlikeblasphemy.

Andyet,RyanfoundhimselfnotresistingwhenJamiepulledhiscockoutandstartedslowly

strokingitwithbothhands,watchingitwithfascinationandhungerasithardenedcompletely.Ryan
couldn’tbelieveLamberthadcalledJamiefrigid:hewasasfarfromfrigidasitgot.OrmaybeJamie
wasthiswayonlywithhim.

JamieclimbedoffhislapandpushedRyan’sthighswider.
“Jamie,”RyangroanedasJamiesuckedhimdeepwithonesmoothmotionthatdestroyedthe

remnantsofRyan’sself-control.Gruntingandsaggingbackagainstthecouch,hereacheddownfor
Jamie’splatinumblondhair—itwasgettinglong—andpusheditbackjustsohecouldwatch.Jamie’s
pinklipsranthelengthofhiserection,histongueswirledaroundthetip,andRyanshuddered.The
wayJamielookedwhenhesuckedhiscockwasobscene:hischeeksred,hiseyesglazedwithlustand
pleasure,alookofpureblissonhisface.HesuckedRyan’scocklikeitwashisfavoritethinginthe
world.JamiemoanedaroundhimandRyansawthatJamiehadhisowncockoutandwasstrokingit
quicklyallthewhileworkinghismouthslowly,asifsavoringthetaste,Jamie’ssoft,wet,warm
mouthengulfinghisachingcockbutnottightlyenoughorfastenough—

GrippingJamie’shair,Ryansnappedhishipsforwardharderandfasteruntilhewasfucking

Jamie’smouth,hismindblankbutforthedrivingdesiretocomedownthatsweetthroatandfill

Jamie’sbellywithhiscomeuntilJamiewassofullofithe—

AphonewentoffinJamie’spocket,shrillingasloudasafirealarm.Itkeptringingandringing

untilJamiepulledback,panting,andfisheditoutwithunsteadyfingers.

“Turnitoff,”Ryanbitout,pullingJamie’smouthbacktohisthrobbingcock.IfJamieinsisted

onsuckinghisdick,theleasthecoulddowastonotleavehimhanging,soclosetotheedge.Hefelt
likehewasabouttoburst.

Eyeslightingupwithmischief,Jamiesmiledupathimdazedlyandpressedtheanswerbutton.

Heputitonspeaker,toboot.“What?”Jamiesaid,voicehuskyfromsuckingRyan’scock.

“Youwanker!”saidthecaller.ItwasLuke.
“WhatdidIdo?”Jamiesaid,hisglazedeyesstillonRyan’sachingcock.Jamiecurledhishand

aroundthebaseandsqueezed,asifenjoyingitshardness.Hissingthroughhisteeth,Ryanglaredat
him.

Jamiesmiled,dragginghislipsalongthelengthofhiscock.Itwasaslowtorturewhenallhe

wantedwastofuckthatmouthandcome.

“Whatdidyoudo?”Lukesaidincredulously.“YouleftmeataplaceIknowatotalofthree

people,andallofthemfuckedoffsomewhere.Hey,yousoundsloshed—areyousloshed?Didyou
andRyanditchmetohavesomefun?Inthatcase,boo,yousuck.”

“I’mbusy,”JamiesaidandlickedtheheadofRyan’scock.“Talktoyoutomorrow.”
“AreyouatRyan’s?”
“Mhm,”JamiehummedinaffirmativearoundRyan’scock.HelookeduptomeetRyan’seyes

andRyanfelthiscockthrobatthelookofwantonlustonJamie’sface.Thelittleshitwasactually
gettingoffonsuckingRyan’sdickwhilehewasonthephonewithhisfriend.

“ThenI’llseeyouintenminutes,”Lukesaid.“Five,ifthere’snotraffic.”Hehungup.
Ryanstiffened.Hadhemisheardit?ButjudgingbyJamie’swide-eyedlook,hehadn’t.They

staredateachother,Jamie’smouthstillwrappedsnugglyaroundRyan’scock,Jamie’shandstill
aroundhisownerection.Jesus.

“He’sontheway,”Ryanmanaged,hisvoicealittleunsteady.HepulledhiscockoutofJamie,

hissingatthelossofhiswet,warmmouth.Jamieletoutasmalldisappointedwhine.

“Wedon’thavethetime,”Ryansaid,tryingtowillhiserectionaway.Itwasfruitless;hewasso

damnhard.

Jamiedidn’tlookanybetter,hisbreathingelevated,hiserectionstillout,hiseyesunfocused.“I

haveanidea,”hemuttered,quicklydisposingofhisjeansandunderwear.“Justdon’tfreakoutonme,
okay?”Hepulledsomethingoutofhisdiscardedjacket’spocket.

WhenRyansawwhatitwas,hismouthwentdry.“Jamie—”
“Itdoesn’thavetomeananything,”Jamiesaidquickly,straddlingRyan’slapandrollingthe

condomonRyan’scock.“Itwon’tmeananything.Aholeisahole,right?Butitwillbefaster.”He
flushed,hispupilshuge.“Ialwayscomefasterwithsomethinginme,”hesaid,pullingoutalube
packetfromhispocketandcoatinghisfingerswithagenerousamountoftheliquid.Thedistantpart
ofRyan’sbrainwonderedwhythefuckJamieevenhadcondomsandlubewithhim—hadheplanned
tofuckLambertagain?—butmostlyhisbrainrefusedtoformanycoherentthought.

Hesatstill,tenseandstiffinmorewaysthanone,watchingJamiereachbehindandquicklyprep

himself.Thiscouldn’tbehappening.

HeshouldstopJamie.Excepthismindseemedunabletofullygraspwhatwasabouttohappen,

stuckontheideaoffuckingJamie.Amixofconflictingemotionsandthoughtsclashedinsidehim,
rangingfromthesenseofutterwrongnesstooverwhelmingwant.

Beforehecoulddecidewhatthefucktodo,hehadalapfulofhisverynakedbestfriendwho

waspositioninghimselfoverhiscock.ThenextthingheknewJamiewasslowlysinkingontohim

andRyanhissedasincredibletightnessenvelopedhisthrobbingerection.Shit.

Jamietookhimintothehiltandstopped,wide-eyedandflushed.Theystaredateachother,

breathinghard.

Fuck.
HiscockwasinsideJamie.Thiswasn’tbloodyhappening.Exceptitwas.
Jamieopenedhismouth,asiftosaysomething,butnotasinglesoundlefthismouth.Hewas

bitinghislip,lookingatRyandazedly.Andthenhestartedmoving—andJesusfuckingChrist.Ryan
grittedhisteeth,tryingnottomakeanysoundandremaincompletelystill.Apartofhimstillcouldn’t
believethiswasreal.

HewatchedJamieridehiscock,thefeelingofutterdisbeliefwarringwiththepleasureof

havingJamie,beinginsidehiminthedeepestpossibleway.ButifputtinghisdickinJamie’smouth
feltlikeblasphemy,itwasnothingcomparedtothewaythisfelt.Hehadhiscockinthepersonhe
alwaysconsideredalittlebrother—someonetoprotectandcarefor,notsomeonetofuckintheass.

ButtherewasnothingremotelybrotherlyaboutthewayJamielookedasherodehiscock,

panting,hisswollen,pinklipsslackandeyesunfocusedwithbliss.Itwasimpossibletolookaway
fromhim.

Ryanwasn’tsurehewasevenparticipating.Jamiewastheonedoingallthework.Jamie

pleasuredhimselfonhiminanaggressiverhythm,fasterandfaster,strikingablazeofheatthatmade
Ryansweatbeneathhisclothesandhisballsachewiththeurgetocome.Abeadofsweattrickled
downRyan’sforeheadandthebackofhisneck.Grittinghisteeth,Ryantriedtothink,butitwas
hellishlyhardatthepaceJamieset.Hewaslosingcontrol,fast.

“Jamie—”hegruntedthroughhisteeth.
Jamiewasbeyondhearing,fuckinghimselfhardonRyan’sachingcock,hismoansgetting

louderandlouder.HewasmumblingsomethinglikeOhGod,ohGod,ohGod,nearlysobbing.He
lookedabsolutelywanton.Likeaslut.Likeawhoreforhiscock.ItdroveRyaninsane,andhe
couldn’tholditbackanylongerandascaldingorgasmtorefromhimasheshudderedandgroaned.
Grabbinghisownerection,JamieslammeddownonemoretimeonRyan’ssofteningcockandcame
withalong,hoarsemoan.

Forabriefblissfulmoment,therewasonlythesoundoftheirharshbreathing.
Thenthedoorbellrang.
RyanopenedhiseyesandstaredatJamie.
Panting,Jamiestaredback.
Thedoorbellrangagain.
TheysprangapartandJamiescrambledtogetclothed.Ryanwasmostlydressed,buthisshirt

wasruined.Tuckinghiscockinhisjeans,Ryanmadehiswaytothebathroom.Heshutthedoorand
saggedagainstit,hismindreelingashestaredatthemirrorontheoppositewall.

Fuck.
Bythetimehechangedintoacleanshirtandreturnedtothelivingroom,itwasempty,Jamie

andLukegone.

Ryanwalkedtothewindowandlookedout.ThestreetwaswellilluminatedbyChristmasstreet

lightsanddecorations.LukeandJamiewerearguingaboutsomethingbyLuke’scar—orrather,Luke
wasgesticulatingwidelyandshakinghisheadwhileJamiestoodinsilence,hisarmscrossedoverhis
chest.

AsiffeelingRyan’sgaze,Jamielookedup.Theirgazeslocked.
Jamieturnedaway.

Chapter18

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Areyoustillnottalkingtohim?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

He’stheonenottalkingtome.Hehasn’tcalledmeoncesincethatnight.NotthatIblamehim.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

That’syourguilttalking.Andyouhavenothingtofeelguiltyabout.LasttimeIchecked,ittakes

twopeople.Ryanishardlyahelplessvictim.Hecouldhavesaidno.Hecouldhavepunchedyouand
shovedyouawayanymoment.Noonceforcedhimtoputhisprickinyou.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

MaybeItookadvantageofhim.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Lesigh.Herewego.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

I’mserious,Luke.OfcourseIknowIdidn’tforcehimintoanythingphysically—Iwouldn’tbe

abletoevenifItried—butIknowRyan.Iknowwhatmakeshimtick.Iknowhehasathingfortaking
careofme,formakingmehappy—healwayshas,andImighthaveuseditagainsthim.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Hecouldhavemadeyouhappywithoutputtinghisdickinyourbum.Ryanisabigboyandhe

shouldbefuckingheldresponsibleforhisownactions.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Butthat’sthething.Whenwefucked,hedidn’tevenparticipate.Hesortof…justsatthere,letting

meusehisdicklikeasextoy.Luke,I’veseenhimfuck.Andwhathappenedtheothernight…that
wasn’thowhefucks.Normallyhe’sprettyaggressiveduringsex.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Hewashard.Hedidn’tlosehiserection.Hecame.Inmybook,thatmeansheparticipatedinthe

sex.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Thenwhyhasn’thecalledmeinthreedays?

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Hasitneveroccurredtoyouthathemightbehavingagayfreak-out?I’veheardthathappensto

straightguys.Maybehe’sbeentryingtoconvincehimselffuckinghismalebestfrienddoesn’tmake
himgay.

From:JamesGrayson

To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Ryanisn’thomophobicintheslightest.Ifhefelthemightbegay,thatwouldn’tfreakhimout.

Trustme,Iknowhim.

No,I’msureit’ssomethingelse.
Actually,fuckingmedoesn’tmakehimgay.Whenyou’rethatturnedon,anyholewilldo.I

wouldprobablyfuckawomanifIwerethatturnedon.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Whatever.

Howarethingswithyourparents,bytheway?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Asexpected,allthingsconsidered.Strained.Mumhasbeenweird.IguessDadhadtoldherwhat

adisappointmentIam.Shehasn’tsaidanythingaloud,butIthinkit’sjustbecauseshedoesn’twantto
agreewithDadonanything.Butyouknow,manythingsarestartingtomakesensenow.Mumhas
alwaysdespisedfootball,especiallyChelsea.Sheknew.SheknewaboutTristanandsaidnothingto
me.Forsomereason,that’shardertoswallowthanDad’ssilence.

DadisstillpissedoffthatI’mrefusingtomarryMeganCadogan.Ishouldprobablybemore

upsetaboutdisappointinghim,butit’shardtogiveadamnafterwhathappenedwithRyan.Isitvery
patheticthatI’msuchamessafterthreedaysofnottalkingtohim?

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Very.

Myadvice:gogetlaid,mate.Letsomeonebuggeryouforachange.Preferablysomeonewho

doesn’thavebrotherlyfeelingsforyouandwouldn’thaveanexistentialcrisisafterthesex.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Ican’t.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson

Dec28

Actually,youcan.I’mtheonewhoisinahomophobiccountryrightnow.Imightactuallyget

beaten(orworse)ifImakeamoveonthewrongperson.

Butfine,ifyouwanttobefuckedjustbyyourassholeofabestfriend/pseudo-brother,it’syour

hearttobreak.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

He’snotanasshole.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Hesureis.Justnottoyou.He’sadecentbloke,buthecanbeonehellofabastardifhewantsto.

Trustme,I’mtheexpertondickheadshere.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Ifyouwereanexpertondickheads,youwouldn’thavesomanybreakupswiththem.Havinga

hard-onforbadboysdoesn’tmakeyouanexpertonthem.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Don’tmockme.You’llsee!Onedayoneofthebadguyswillturnouttohaveaheartofgold

behindthattough,badexteriorandIwillgetmyhappilyeverafter.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Doyoureallybelieveinthat?Inhappilyeverafters?Aww,you’resuchagirl,Lucy.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Shutit.I’mnottheonewho’sbeenpiningafteroneguysinceIwaseight.AtleastI’mlooking

formyPrinceCharming(andgettingfrogssofar,butthat’sneitherherenorthere).Youaren’teven
looking.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Ilooked.YouknowIlooked.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Yes,yes.Buthe’salwaysbeenyourPrinceCharming.Iknow.

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Theproblemis,I’mnoCinderellainhisstory.

From:LukeWhitford
To:JamesGrayson
Dec28

Yes,you’renoCinderella.Rightnowyou’rethestableboyhegetshisrocksoffwithandit

doesn’thavetomeananything.Ratherconvenientforhim,isn’tit?Callhimandtellhimtostop
fuckingwithyou:eitherhewantsyou,orhedoesn’t.Nomoreno-strings-attachedcocksuckingor
buggering.Don’tlethisprickanywherenearyouuntilhegivesyouadefiniteanswer.Gotit?

From:JamesGrayson
To:LukeWhitford
Dec28

Gotit.

Chapter19

Jameslayinthedarknessofhisbedroom,thinkingofLuke’swords.Lukelikelyknewwhathe

wastalkingabout.Lukereallyhadfarmoreexperiencewithmenandrelationshipsthanhim.And
maybethefactthatJameshadknownRyanforsolongwasactuallyahindrance.

Jamessighed.HewascomingtorealizeRyanwasn’ttheonlyonehavingtroubleadjustingto

thechangesintheirrelationship.Hehadthesameproblem.HehadexpectedRyantobehaveexactly
thesamewayashealwaysdid,anditwasstupid.HehadthoughtheunderstoodRyanbetterthan
anyone,andwhileitmightbetrue,hewascomingtorealizethatRyanmightbeadifferentmanwhen
itcametosexandrelationships.Hewasstartingtounderstandthathewasn’tdealingjustwithhisbest
friendanymore.

TherewasconflictinRyan.Ononehand,therewasthemanwhohadalwaysbeenhisrock—

someonewhowasalwaysthereforhim,someonecloserthanabrother.Ontheotherhand,therewas
thehard-eyedmanwhowaspissedoffbythewholesituationandrightfullyblamedhimforlosingthe
womanheloved.Whilethatmanstillhadhisbestfriend’saffectionforhim,heseemedtoresentit,
andthataffectionwastwistedintosomethingelse.ThatmanhadnoqualmsaboutusingJamie’s
mouthoravoidinghimaftershagginghim,eventhoughRyanmustknowhowmuchthatwouldhurt
andconfusehim.

Jamessighedagain,histhumbhoveringoverRyan’snameinhiscontactslist.Hehadbeen

determinedtogiveRyanspacetofigureoutwhathewanted,butafterthreedaysofsilenceJames
couldn’ttakeitanylonger.Onceandforall,hehadtoknowwheretheystood.

HetouchedtheCallbuttonandbroughtthephonetohisear.Onering.Another.Athird.

Followedbyafourth,andthenafifth.

HewasstartingtothinkRyanwouldn’tanswerwhenhefinallydid.
“Jamie.”
JamesshiveredatthesoundofRyan’slowvoice.“Hey,”hesaid,hisstomachdoingalittleflip-

flop.Hetoldhimselfitwassilly.ItwasjustRyan.Therewasnoreasontofeelsobloodynervous.But
now,inthedarknessandsilenceoftheroom,hecouldn’thelpbutrememberwhathadhappenedthree
daysago.Heatrushedtohisgroin.Heblushedasherememberedhowshamelesslyhehadbehaved.

Thesilencestretched,becomingstrained.God,hewouldgiveanythingtoknowwhatRyanwas

thinkingrightnow.

Jameslickedhisdrylips.“Youhaven’tcalled.”

“Neitherhaveyou,”Ryansaid.
Anotherlong,strainedsilence.
Jamescringed.“Isitgoingtobethisawkwardfromnowon?”
“Ofcourseitwillbeawkward,”Ryansaidtersely.“That’swhyyoushouldn’thavedoneit.”
“Me?”DespitehisearlierwordstoLukethathewastheonetoblame,Jamesdidn’tfeellike

Ryanwasbeingentirelyfair.Hebitout,“Iwasn’ttheonlyonethere.”

Ryanlaughedsoftly.“Let’snotkidourselves,Jamie.Youcouldprobablygetmetomurder

someoneifyougavemetheeyesandaskednicelyenough.”

Jamielaughed.“Comeon,you’reexaggerating.”
“Iwish,”Ryansaid,ahintofself-deprecationandresentmentappearinginhisvoice—again.
AndJameshadhadenough.Angerflaredinsidehim,sointensethatforamomenthecouldn’t

breathe.“Ifyou’resosickofme,you’refreetofuckoff.I’mnotforcingyoutostickaround.Piss
off!”Hehungup,breathinghard.

Thephonerang.
Hethoughtofignoringit,butheknewRyan.Itwasimpossibletoout-stubbornhim.Hepicked

upandsnapped,“What?”

“You’renotserious,”Ryansaid.
“I’mveryserious,”Jamessaid,hisvoiceshakingwithanger.“You’refreetoreunitewithyour

girlfriendandliveyourmerrylife.Iwon’tbotheryouwithmystupid,unrequitedfeelingsanymore.”
Hehungupagainandpressedtheheelsofhishandstohisstingingeyes.Goddammit.

Thephonewentoffagain.
“Jamie,”Ryansaid.“Don’tberidiculous.”
“I’mdonebeingridiculous,”Jamessaid.“I’mdonefeelingguiltyformyfeelings.I’msickof

it.”Heswallowedthethicklumpinhisthroat.Whywasitsohardtosayallofthis?Deepdown,he’d
knownitwascoming.“Iwishitdidn’tcometothis.Butlet’sfaceit:itisn’tworking.Itneverwill.I
can’tchangehowIfeel,andyoucan’t,either.It’snowobviousthatwecan’tbejustfriendsandwe
can’tbelovers—wecan’tbeanything.”Jamestookadeepbreathtosteadyhisvoice.Hewasn’tsure
howsuccessfulhewas.“Ithink—Ithinkweshouldgoourseparatewaysbeforewestarthatingeach
other.”

“Youcan’tdothis,”Ryansaid.“Don’tdothis,Jamie.Notoverthefuckingphone.Let’smeet—”
Jamesclosedhiseyes.“Andthenwhat?”
Silence.
“I’mtired,Ryan,”Jamiesaid,barelyaudibly.“IfImeananythingtoyou,letmebe.Gobackto

Hannah.Behappy.YouwerehappywithheruntilIfuckeditup.”

Foralongwhile,therewasonlythesoundofRyan’sbreathing.
AndthenRyansaid,“Whataboutyou?”
Jamie’sstomachhurt.MaybeapartofhimhadfoolishlyhopedRyanwouldrefuseoutright.“I’ll

beokay.Oneday.”Hebithisliphardtoswallowbackanynoisethatwouldhavebetrayedhim.
“MaybewhenI’moverthis,inafewyears,wecanreuniteandhangout—orsomething.”

“Orsomething,”Ryanrepeatedtonelessly.
James’snailsdugintohispalm.“It’sforthebest.Youknowthat.”
Ryanhungup.
Jamietuggedhiskneestohischestandcurledaroundthem.
Whenthetearscame,theybroughtnorelief.Fifteenyearsoffriendshipandlove,gone.Justlike

that.

Anhourortwolater,hewipedhiseyesandreachedforhisphoneagain.Hisvisionwasstill

blurryashetypedatexttoLuke.

YouwantsomecompanyinRussia?

Chapter20

Tristanscrunchedhisnoseupasheeyedtheloud,cheerfulcrowdaroundhim.ANewYear ’s

Eveparty.Ifsomeonehadtoldhimayearagothathewouldbehostinglargefamilygatherings
severaltimesamonth,hewouldhavethoughtitwasajoke.Averybadone.Buthecouldn’tdenythat
therewasapartofhimthatenjoyedit.IthelpedthatZach’sfamilyactuallyseemedtolikehim,which
wasratherbewildering,consideringhedidn’tputanyeffortintobeingnice.

“Sowhereishe?”
Tristanturnedhisheadtohisadoptivebrother.“Where’swho?”
Gabrielgavehimalook.“Yourbrother.Yourrealbrother.”
Tristanshrugged.“Idon’tknow.Haven’tseenhimlately.”Andwhatananticlimaxitwas.Hehad

beenbracinghimselffortheawkwardso-you’re-my-brotherconversationfordays,buthehadseen
neitherhidenorhairofJamessinceChristmas.HehadthoughtJameswouldcometothispartyfor
sure,butRyanhadarrivedwithhisex-girlfriend,whowasapparentlynolongeranex.

“Soareyougonnaacknowledgehimasabrother?”
TristanlookedbackatGabriel,surprised.Theirrelationshipmighthaveimprovedquiteabit

thisyear,buttheystilldidn’treallytalkaboutpersonalthings.Hecertainlyhadn’texpectedGabeto
askhimaboutthat.

Hewasn’tsurewhattoanswer.Truthbetold,hehadhatedJameswhenhe’dthoughtJameshad

everythingwhilehehadnothing.Henolongerthoughtthat.Ifanything,hepitiedJamesnow.“Idon’t
hatehim,”Tristansaid,pullingaface.“Imean,Iusedto,buthe’ssodamnharmlessandnice.He’sno
funtohate.It’shorrible.”

Gabriellaughed.
“Andwhydoyoucare?”Tristanasked,curious.
Gabriel’sdiscomfortwasplainonhisface.“Idon’t,”hesaidquickly.“Justwondering.”
Tristanstudiedhimforamomentbeforeaslowgrintuggedathislips.“Don’tworry,you’ll

alwaysbemyfavoritebrothertohate.”

Gabrielrolledhiseyeswithalong-sufferingsighandstrodeawaytowardhisboyfriend.
Stillsmiling,Tristanlookedaround,buthisownboyfriendwasnowheretobeseen.Maybe

Zachwasontheterrace.

Tristanmadehiswaytotheterraceandsmiledwhenhesawthelonetallfigurewatchingthe

fireworksinthedistance.

Onlywhenhesteppedoutside,didherealizehismistake.Itwasn’tZach;itwasRyan.
Tristanwasabouttoturnbackbuthesitated,hiscuriositypiqued.He’dheardthatRyanhadmade

upwithhisgirlfriendjustafewdaysago.Whatwashedoinghereallbyhimself?

HewalkedcloserandRyanturnedhisheadslightly.
“Ididn’tknowyousmoked,”Tristansaid.
Ryantookalongdragonhiscigarette,hisgazereturningtothefireworks.“Haven’tsmokedin

years.”

“Why?”
Ryandidn’treplyimmediately.
“Jamie’ssensitivetocigarettesmoke.”
Tristanfelthiseyebrowscrawlup.Ryan’sanswerdidn’tsurprisehim;hisvoicedid:completely

toneless,emotionless.

NoticingcigarettebuttsatRyan’sfeet,Tristancommented,“Andyou’remakingupforthelost

time…”

“Somethinglikethat,”Ryansaid,withoutlookingathim.
“Iguessyourgirlfriendisn’tsensitivetocigarettesmoke.”
Ryan’slipsthinned.“Ifyouhavesomethingtosay,justsayit.”
“Youdon’tlookterriblyhappyforaguywhojustgotbackwithhisgirlfriend.”
“Wearen’ttogether.Yet.”AtTristan’sinquiringlook,Ryanclarified,“We’rehereasfriends.

Hannah’sgivingmeachancetowinherover.”

“Yeah,Iseehowhardyou’retrying.Totryharderyouwouldhavetoleaveheraloneatthe

partyyoubroughtherto—oh,wait.”

“Pleasetellmemybrotherspanksyou.”
Tristangrinned.“Hedoes.ButIloveit,soit’snotmuchofapunishment.”
AfaintsmilecurledRyan’slipsbriefly.Hetookalongsuckonhiscigaretteandblewthesmoke

outofftotheside.

Eyeingthestronglineofhisjaw,TristanidlywonderedwhetherRyanbeatGabriel’sboyfriend

tothetitleofthemosthandsomemanhe’devermet.Notthatitmattered,though:Zachwasstillhotter,
atleastinTristan’sbiasedopinion.ButhecouldunderstandwhyJameswassohunguponRyan:if
Tristanhadbeengrowingupwiththat,heprobablywouldbe,too.

“SodidyouchooseHannahoverJames,afterall?”
Ryanstiffened.Inablinkofaneye,hehadTristan’sshouldersinadeathlygrip,hiseyesboring

intohim.“Hetoldyouthat?Doyouknowwhereheis?”

Tristanblinked.Gonewasthemaskofindifference.TheintensityofRyan’sgazewasalittle

frightening.

Beforehecouldsayanything,Ryanletgoofhimandsteppedback,hisfaceblankonceagain.

“No,don’ttellmeanything.”Heavertedhisgaze,amuscleinhisjawpulsingonce.“Idon’twantto
know.”

Howcurious.
“I’veknownabouthisthingforyouforages,”Tristansaidslowly.“ButIdon’tknowwherehe

is.WhywouldIifyoudon’t?Whathappened?”

Ryanlitanothercigaretteandinhaleddeeply,thetipflaringanangryred.“Heleft.Justlikethat.”

Hegaveashortlaugh.“Heendedafifteen-year-longfriendshipoverthebloodyphone.”

Oh.Tristanhadn’tthoughtJameshadtheballstocutthetiesbetweenhimandRyan,butit

seemedhe’dbeenwrong.

Crossinghisarmsoverhischest,TristanstudiedRyan.Althoughhedidn’tknoweverything,he

couldfillinthegapswithreasonableaccuracyandguesswhathadhappened.“Butyou’rebackwith

thewomanyoulove.Shouldn’tyoubehappy?”

“Happy,”Ryanrepeated,asifitwasaforeignword.Hestaredatthefireworksinthedistance.

“I’mhappy.I’mbloodyecstatic.”Hesoundedanythingbut.Whenhespokeagain,hisvoicewas
clipped,“Itdoesn’tmatter.Hedidtherightthing.Itwasn’tworking.Itwasjustfuckingwithour
minds.”

Tristanwasn’tsurewhattosay.“Soheandyouaredone?Completely?”Itwashardtobelieve.It

justseemed…wrong.

“Hesaidmaybewe’dseeeachotherinafewyears.”Ryanletoutabrittlelaugh,fingers

grippingtheterracerailings.“Afewyears…”

Cockinghisheadtotheside,Tristanstudiedhim.“Didyoufuckhim?Isthatwhyyoufreaked

out?”

Ryanshothimahalf-amused,half-pinchedlook.“Areyoualwaysthisblunt?”
“Isthatayes?”Tristansaid.
“Yes,”Ryansaid.
“Wasitthatterrible?”
“Itwasn’tthat.”
“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”
“ItwasJamie,”Ryansaid,asifthatansweredit.Maybeforhim,itdid.“Itwasstrange.”
“Obviously,”Tristansaidwithachuckle.“Look,Igetwhereyou’recomingfrom.I’mone

hundredpercentgay,butwhenIwasinthespotlight,onceinawhileIhadtogooutwithwomenand
shagthemforappearances’sake.”Hepulledaface.“Theywereobjectivelybeautiful,butevenwhenI
managedtogetitup—andletmetellyou,itwasdifficultashell—thesexfeltkindofgrossand
terriblyunsatisfying.Itwasn’ttheirfault,ofcourse.Itwasme.”HelookedatRyan.“That’swhatI’m
talkingabout.It’seasytofoolyourmind.It’smuchhardertofoolyourdick.Sexualitycanbefluid,
buttherearestilllimits.Somethingeitherturnsyouonordoesn’t.Ofcoursethefirsttimewith
anotherguywouldbeweirdtoastraightman.Butdiditfeelgrossandforced?”

“No,”Ryanrepliedafteramoment.
“Wasitapitything?”
“No,”Ryansaid,sharper.
“Didyouhavetroublegettingitupforhim?”
Ryansaidnothing,lookingmoreirritatedbytheminute.
Tristansmiledalittle,remindedofZach.Zachactedthesamewaywhenhedidn’twanttoadmit

somethingeventohimself.“Youlovedit,didn’tyou?”hesaidsoftly.

Ryanpressedhislipstogether.
“Hey,I’mnotjudging!”Tristansaidwithagrin.“Ijustremembersomeonetellingmehalfa

yearagohowgrossshaggingJameswouldbe—thatitwouldbelikeshaggingabrother.”Yeah,he
lovedsayingI-told-you-so;suehim.Italwaysfeltnicetobeprovedright.“Thoughyouaren’t
actuallyrelated,soit’sonlyabitnaughtytoloveaguylikeabrotherandlovefuckinghim,too.”

Ryanlookedathimwithaninscrutableexpression.ThenhisarmshotoutanddraggedTristan

close.

“What—”TristanstartedbeforeRyanpressedhislipsagainsthis.Tristan’sfirstemotionwas

panic(whatifZachfindsout,getsmadandleaveshim?),thenthedirectionofhisthoughtspissedhim
off(hewasn’tZach’sproperty,dammit,andherefusedtobesopatheticandclingy)andherelaxed,
lettingRyankisshim.Ryanwasobjectivelyhotandthekisswasobjectivelygood.Itjustdidnothing
forhim.ItonlyreaffirmedtohimthathelovedZach,andnomatterhowpatheticitwas,hewanted
onlyZach’skisses.Hedidn’tfeelanypassioninRyan,either,sohewasn’tsurprisedtoseeablank
lookonhisfacewhenRyanpulledback.

“Yourbrothermightactuallykillyouforthat,youknow,”Tristansaid,wipinghislips.“He’s

awfullypossessive.”Tristanmadeaface.“Mybrotherwouldprobablykillmeforthat,too,actually.
Solet’skeepthistoourselves,okay?”HelookedatRyancuriously.“Didithelp?Feelanygay?”

“No,”Ryansaidcurtly,avertinghiseyes.
Tristansmiled.“Youlikedkissinghimbetter,didn’tyou?Despiteallyourbrotherlyfeelingsfor

him?”

Ryandidn’treply,butTristandidn’tneedhimto.
“Youwannaknowsomething?”Tristanmurmured,lookingatthefireworks.“Mylegwillmake

afullrecovery,butI’mnotreturningtofootball.Ever.Idon’twantto.Because…IfeellikeArthur ’s
involvementcheapenedeverythingI’veachievedinmycareer.”Tristanbittheinsideofhischeek,his
angerflaringagain.“I’mgoingtobusinessschool.”He’dalwayshadaknackforinvesting.Itwas
somethinghegenuinelyenjoyedandwasgoodat.“Iwantsomethingformyself.Somethingmine.”
TristanglancedatRyanandfoundhimwatchinghimthoughtfully.“Youknow,foralongtimeItried
toconvincemyselfthatIshouldn’twantsomethingArthurwouldapproveof.EversinceIfoundout
whomyfatherwas,Ihatedhim,hisfamily,andthefamilybusiness.Itjustseemedsowrongtowant
topursuethecareerArthurwouldhavemademepursueifIwerehispreciousheir.ButthenIthought:
whynot?Whyshouldhisopinionmatterifthat’ssomethingIgenuinelywant?”Tristansmiledgrimly.
FuckArthur.“Sometimeswehavethisdeep-seatednotionthatsomethingiswrongandweshouldn’t
wantit,butsometimesit’sjustbullshit.Sometimesourownmindsareourgreatestenemy.”Helooked
Ryanintheeye.“IthinkyouknowwhatImean.It’swrongandweirdonlyforaslongasyouletitbe.”

Heheadedbackinside,aspringinhisstep.HecouldfeelRyan’sheavygazeonthebackofhis

headashelefttheterrace.

“Whenyou’resmilinglikethat,you’reusuallyuptonogood,”afamiliardryvoicesaid.Zach.
Tristanputonahurtlook.
Lookingunimpressed,Zachgrabbedhimbythewaistandtuggedhimclose.Tristandroppedthe

hurtactandgrinned,loopinghisarmsaroundZach’sneck.“Iwasjusthelpingpeopleout,”hesaid
innocently.

“Idon’tevenwanttoknow,”ZachsaidbeforebitingTristan’sbottomlipandsuckingonit.
Minuteslater,whentheyfinallypartedforsomeair,TristanstaredintoZach’sgrayeyes,

fightingthehorriblemushyfeelinginhischest.Ugh,beinginlovewasawful.

Zachsmiledandkissedhimonthenose.“HappyNewYear,dollface.”
Sighinginwardly,TristanstoppedfightingthemushyfeelingandpulledZach’smouthbackto

his,whereitbelonged.

HappyNewYear.
Forthefirsttimeinhislife,heknewitwouldbe.
Atleastforthetwoofthem.

***

RyanstoodontheterraceforalongtimeafterTristanleft.
No,kissingTristandidn’thelp.Thekisshadlefthimcold.KissingJamie,forallitswrongness,

hadneverlefthimcold.Jamiewaswarm,alwayswarm,hismouthsweetandeagerandJamie’s,even
ifkissingitfeltweirdashell.

It’swrongandweirdonlyforaslongasyouletitbe.
Ifonlyitweresoeasy.
Sighing,Ryanranahandoverhiseyes.Itdidn’tmatternow.Heshouldgobackinside.Tothe

womanhewasinlovewith.ToHannah.Jamiewasgone—forgood.

Itstilldidn’tseemreal.
Ryanstaredatthefireworksastheyflewupandexploded,creatingabeautifulandcolorful

display.Jamielovedfireworks.Healwaysgotexcitedaboutthemlikeachild.

AhollowachetwistedhisgutasherealizedthatitwasthefirstNewYear ’sinyearsthathe

wasn’tspendingwithJamie.Firstofmany.

Ryanlitanothercigaretteandinhaleddeeply.
Behindhim,thedooropenedandclosed.
“You’llcatchacold,”Hannahsaid.
Hisstomachchurnedasasenseofdéjàvuhithimhard.Haditreallybeenonlythreeweeksago?

ThreeweeksagorightonthisterracehehadchosenJamieoverHannah.He’dbeenangry,he’dbeen
heartbroken,buthe’dalsobeendeterminedtokeepJamiebyanymeansnecessary.

Butithadn’tbeenenough.Instead,ithadfuckedthemupirrevocably.
HeshouldhaveletJamiegothen.IfhehadchosenHannah,noneofthatwouldhavehappened.

HewouldstillhavehadHannah’sloveandhisownloveforherwouldn’thavebeentaintedbyhis
conflictedfeelingsforJamie.

Ryangrimaced,angrywithhimself.Jamie,Jamie,Jamie.Couldhespendtwobloodyminutes

withoutthinkingaboutJamie?Hehadnevernoticedhowmuchtimehespentthinkingabouthimuntil
heconsciouslytriedtostop.Theproblemwas,whenheactuallymanagedtostoptheintrusive
thoughts,hefoundhimselfshort-tempered,distracted,andfeelinggenerallyshitty.Itwasprobably
unhealthyashell,butthatwashowitwas.

“Ryan?”
“Sorry,”hesaid,reachinghishandoutandtakingHannah’shand.Hesqueezedit.“I’msorry.

I’mprobablynotgoodcompanynow.”

Herblueeyeswerethoughtfulasshelookedathim.Therewaswarinessinthem—something

thathadn’tbeentherebefore.Shewasdifferent.Butthenagain,sowashe.Forthefirsttime,it
occurredtoRyanthattheybothmighthavechangedtoomuchtofittogether.

“There’ssomethingdifferentaboutyou,”shesaid,asifreadinghisthoughts.“Youseem…

SometimesIlookatyouandit’slikeIdon’tevenknowyou.”

Youandmeboth.
Thetruthwas,hedidn’tknowwhatkindofpersonRyanHardawaywaswithoutJamesGrayson

inhislife.

Itwastimetofindout.
Behindhim,thefireworkswentoffinthebackyardandpeoplecheered.
“HappyNewYear,Ryan,”Hannahsaidwithasoftsmile.Herblondhairshonebrightly.
ANewYear.Anewbeginning.
Ryanforcedoutasmile,tryingtoignorethenaggingsenseofwrongness.
IfImeananythingtoyou,letmebe.Behappy.
Hehadtotry.

Chapter21

Hannahwantedtotakethingsslowlyandnottorushintoarelationshipagain.Shewantedto

restorethetrustbetweenthem.

Ryanunderstood.
Anddeepdown,hecouldn’tdenyhefeltalittlerelieved.

***

Theydidn’thavesex.Theydidn’tkiss.Theywentonfriendlydates.
Moreoftenthannot,theywatchedmovies.Theysatnexttoeachother,theireyesgluedtotheTV

screen,theirbodiesinchesapart.Itshouldhavefeltfamiliar,butitdidn’t.Amonthago,hewouldhave
takenherhand.Amonthago,shewouldhaveputherheadonhisshoulder.Nowtherewassomething
awkwardintheair,somethinghardandbroken.

Oneevening,hetried,anyway.Hetookherhand.Herfingerswereslimanddainty.
Fourminuteslater,heletgoandcurledhishandbyhisthigh.
Heclearedhisthroatandsaid,“Youwantadrink?”
“No,”Hannahsaid,hertoneveryneutral.“Andyoushouldn’teither.”
Hisjawtightened.
Hesaidnothing.
Theybarelylookedateachotherfortherestoftheevening.
Aftershefinallyleft,hegrabbedabeeroutofthefridge,threwhimselfonthecouchand

broughtthebottletohislips.

***

Threeweeksintothenewyear,Hannahkissedhim.
Herlipsweresoftandfamiliar.Layingahandonhernape,Ryankissedback.Whenhedelved

histonguedeeperintohermouth,shedidn’tshiver.Shedidn’tleanintothetouchlikeshewasstarved
forit.Shedidn’tmakeasoundatthemeregrazeofhisthumbagainstherear.

Whenhepulledback,herblueeyesweren’tglazedoverwithshamelessdesire.Shewasjusta

littlebreathless.

Ryanstaredatherandwonderedwhatthefuckwaswrongwithhim.
Hannahsighed.“Yeah,Ithoughtso.”Shelookedresignedandalittlesad.“Ithinkit’spretty

clearthere’snopointforustogetbacktogether.”

Ryanleanedbackagainstthecouchandrubbedhisbrow.Hehadonehellofaheadache.Maybe

heshouldn’thavedrunksomuchatGary’sparty.Itusuallytookalottogethimhungover.

“Youaren’tevensurprised,”Hannahsaid.“Youcouldhaveatleastpretendedtobesurprised.”
“I’vebeenadickforweeks,Hannah,”hesaid.“IfIwereyou,Iwouldn’twantme,either.”
“You’renotadick,”Hannahsaid.“Butyouaren’tthemanIfellinlovewith.Notanymore.”She

shookherhead.“Youbrokemyheartoncealreadyandyoudidn’tgivemeanyexplanation.YetIgave
youasecondchance,butit’sbeenalmostamonthandIseenoenthusiasminyou.It’slikeyouexpect
ustoworkwithoutanyeffortfromyou.LikeI’mnotworththeeffort.LikeI’measy.”

“Idon’tthinkyou’reeasy.”
Hervoicesoftened.“I’mnotblind,youknow.Yourheartisn’tinit.Wewomencanfeelthese

things.Sometimesyou’resocoldandunfeelingit’shardtobelieveyou’rethesameeasy-going,
attentivemanIfellinlovewith.Idon’trememberthelasttimeyousmiled.Yousmoketoomuch.You
drinktoomuch.It’snothealthy,Ryan.”Shefrowned,herpalebrowsdrawingtogether.“Ifeel—Ifeel
darknessinyou,somethingthatwasn’ttherebefore.It’slikesomethinghassuckedthelightoutof
you.Youreyesarehardernow.Itfreaksmeoutsometimes.”

Sighing,Ryanranahandoverhisface,hisshouldersslouchingforward.Hethoughtbacktothe

pastmonth.Yeah,hecouldseewhereshewascomingfrom.Whenhewasn’tapathetic,hehadlittle
controloverhistemperthesedays.Hewasirritableonagooddayandworsethanthatonbaddays,
andlatelybaddaysfaroutnumberedthegoodones.Hell,onlyyesterdayheandNickhadcometo
blowsaftersomeharmlessremarkNickmade.

“What’swrongwithyou?”Hannahaskedquietly,touchinghisshoulder.Shesmelledofflowers.

“Tellmewhat’swrong.”

Ryanalmostsmiled.Everyonearoundhimseemedtothinktherewassomethingwrongwith

him:hisbrothers,hiscolleagues,hisfriends,andnowHannah.Thetruthwas,hewasn’tatallsure
therewasanythingwrongwithhim.Hewasstartingtosuspectthiswastherealhim.Maybehewas
bornanassholeandJamiehadjustmadehimsofter.Ryancringedalittleasthemerethoughtof
Jamiebroughtonthebarrageofconflictingthoughtsandfeelingshepreferrednottoexaminetoo
closely.

“IsitaboutJames?”Hannahsaid,hervoicecareful.“Ihaven’tseenhimaroundatall.Haveyou

hadafallingoutwithhim?”

“Let’snottalkabouthim.”Hetookherhandinhis,tryingtosoftenhisvoice.“Weweretalking

aboutus.”

Shesmiledathim,hereyesflashingwithsadness.“There’snous,Ryan.Haven’tyounoticed

thatalready?Theysaytruelovecansurviveanythinglifethrowsatit.Maybeourswasn’tthatstrong.”

Helookedatherandfelt…nowhereasupsetashehadexpectedtobe.Whenhe’dbrokenitoff

withheramonthandahalfago,he’dhadtogetwastedtodullthepain.Nowtherewasjusta
bittersweetfeelingaboutwhatcouldhavebeen—andnothingmore.

“I’msorry,”hesaid,layingahandonhercheekandleaningintobrushhislipsagainsthers

chastely.

“Iknow,”shesaid.“Andyouknowwhat?Althoughitdidn’tworkout,I’mgladyouaskedfora

secondchance.ItfinallygavemetheclosureIneeded.I’mnolongerasupsetasIwaswhenyou
brokeitoff.Icanmoveonnow.”Shekissedhimonthecheek.“Friends?”

Lookingatherlovelyface,Ryanknewshewasright:thepastfewweekshadgivenhimthe

closureheneeded,too.Atleastwhereshewasconcerned.

“Friends,”hesaid,huggingher.Shesmelledfamiliar,butherscentdidn’tmakehimlight-

headedwithcontentment.Hedidn’twanttonuzzleintoherandbreatheherinuntilhefeltlikehe
wantedtoswallowher.Shedidn’tsmelllikehome.

Shedidn’tsmelllikehis.
Butthenagain,shehadneverbeen.

Chapter22

Whenhisphonewentoffintheveryearlymorningafewweekslater,Ryanblinkedblearilya

fewtimesbeforestaringatthecallerIDagain.No,hewasn’tseeingthings:hehadthedubious
pleasureofacallfromArthurGrayson.

Hisstomachflipped.Arthurwouldn’tbecallinghimatthishourunlesssomethinghad

happened:ArthurhadcalledhimatotaloftwotimesinalltheyearsofRyan’sfriendshipwithhisson.
Somethingwaswrong.Andsincetheyhadonlyonethingincommon,Ryandidn’tlikewhatthiscall
mightmean.

“Haveyoutalkedtomysonlately?”Arthursaidwhenheanswered.Well,hecertainlywasn’t

botheringwithsocialniceties.

Ryanstaredatthedarkwalloppositethebed.“Whichone?”hesaid,justtobeadick.Itwas

nothingArthurdidn’tdeserve.

“Hardaway—”
“Look,Idon’tevenknowwhereheis,”Ryanbitoff.Histemperhadn’timprovedsincehis

breakupwithHannah;infact,itwasworse.“Hedidn’tbothertotellme.Ihaven’tseenortalkedto
himinmorethanamonth.”

“Idon’tbelieveyou,”Arthursaid.
“Wearen’tevenfriendsanymore,”Ryansaid,notbotheringtohidehisbitterness.
Silence.Arthur ’ssurprisewaspalpable.
“Youcanbehappynow,”Ryansaid,hislipstwisting.“That’swhatyou’vealwayswanted.”
“Youwereabadinfluence,”Arthursaidtestily.
Ryanchuckled.“YoumeanIhadtoomuchofinfluence.Youhatedit.”
“AndIwasright.You’rethereasonhe’s—thatway.Hewouldhavebeennormalif—”
“I’mreallynotinthemoodforyourbigotry,”Ryansaidflatly.“You’dbetterhaveabloody

goodreasonforcallingmeorI’mhangingup.”

HecouldhearArthurtakeadeepbreath.
“I’mconcernedaboutJames,”headmittedatlast,hisreluctanceobvious.
“Why?”Ryansaid,squashingdowntheurgetoaskwhereJamiewas.IfheknewwhereJamie

was,hedidn’ttrusthimselftostayawayfromhim—andhehadto.ThefactthatheandHannahhadn’t
workedouthadchangednothing:Jamiehadmadeitclearthathewassickofthesituationandwanted
tobeleftalone.HewantedRyantolivehisownlifeandstopfuckingwithhismind.

Whetherhelikeditornot,hehadtorespectJamie’sdecision,nomatterhowpissedoffatJamie

hewasforendingtheirfriendshipinsuchaway.Andhewaspissedoff.Nevermindthatrationallyhe
knewthatJamiehaddonetherightthing—theycouldn’tgoonlikethat—butthewayJamiehad
handledthesituationwasshitty.First,Jamiehadclaimedthatthesexwouldchangenothinganddidn’t
havetomeananything;then,afterusinghimlikesomeglorifieddildotogethisrocksoff,Jamie
madeafullU-turnandkickedhimoutofhislifeoverthefuckingphone.

“He’snothimself,”Arthursaid.“Hehasleftthecountryagainstmywill,helefthisjob,his

responsibilities.Jameshasstoppedansweringmycallsentirely.Whitford’sboyismyonlysourceof
informationnow,andheisreluctanttotellmeanything.”

Ryancursedontheinside.Whitford’sboy.SoJamiewasinRussiawithLuke.Itwassomething

hereallyhadn’tneededtoknow.Becausetherewasapartofhimthatwasalreadythinkinghowsoon
hecouldarrangeatriptoRussia—andscrewwithJamie’sheadagain.

“MaybeJamiejustdoesn’tfeelliketalkingtoyou,”Ryansaid.“Youaren’texactlyhisfavorite

personintheworldafteryoumadeitclearyouconsideredhiminferiortoyourotherson.”

WhenArthurdidn’treplyimmediately,heknewhe’dhitanerve.
“Nevertheless,”Arthursaid.“Thisisveryunlikehim.Whitford’sboywasclearlyconcernedas

wellwhenIspokewithhimthismorning.Hesaidhecouldnotbetraymyson’strust,buthewishedhe
coulddosomethingforhim.”

Ryan’sgutclenched.IfLukewasconcernedenoughtocomesoclosetobetrayingJamie’strust,

somethingmustbeseriouslywrong.

“Fixhimandbringhimback,”Arthursaidsuddenly,histoneharsh.“I’veneverlikedyour

influenceovermyson.Butifanyonecanfixwhateveriswrongwithhim,it’syou.”

Ryanbittheinsideofhischeek.“YoursonandIaren’texactlyonspeakingterms,”hesaid,

everywordanefforttosay.“Sorry,butIcan’thelpyou.”

Hehungup.
Intheuttersilencethatfollowed,hetookadeepbreath,thenanother.Heforcedhishandto

unclench.Motherfucker.RefusingtolookoutforJamiewentagainsteverygoddamninstinctinhim.

Ryanstaredatthefirstglimpseofsunriseonthehorizon.Hehadforgottentoclosetheblinds

whenhereturnedlastnightafteraneveningoutwithsomeoldschoolmates.Therehadbeenalotof
drinking,dancingandflirtingwithwomeninvolved.Hehadalmostfeltlikehisoldself.He’deven
snoggedaveryprettybrunette—beforepolitelyturningherdownwhensheinvitedhimtoherplace.
He’dexpectedhertogetmadforleadingheron,butthegirljustsmiledsympathetically.“Arecent
breakup?”shehadasked.Ryanhadnoddedwitharuefulsmile.

HewasstillunsurewhetherhehadmeantHannahorJamie.Perhapsboth.Butwhilehestillfelta

pangofsadnesseverytimehethoughtofHannah,hetriednottothinkofJamiealtogether.Thinking
ofJamiejustmadehimangry,restless,agitated,anduncomfortable—forseveralreasons.Oneof
thosereasonswasprettydamnsick.

Feelingafamiliarstirringinhisgroin,Ryansighed.
Afewminuteslater,helostthebattlewithhimselfandreachedoutforhistabletonthe

nightstand.Itdidn’ttakehimlongtofindthephotograph.Hecameacrossitaweekagowhenhewas
uploadingphotographsfromhisoldcameratoacloudserviceforsafekeeping.Nowhewishedhe’d
nevercomeacrossit.

Thepicturehadbeentakenalmostfiveyearsago,justafterJamie’seighteenthbirthday.He

rememberedthatdayclearly.TheywereonthebeachinthesouthofFrance.Jamiehadclaimedthat
thewaterwascoldandrefusedtogetunderwaterwithhim;insteadhedecidedtotakeanap.Asabit
ofrevenge,RyanputaflowerinJamie’shair,tuggedJamie’strunksdownhisassandtookapicture.
Ithadbeenaharmlessprank,somethingteenagersdidtomesswiththeirmates.Jamieturnedten

shadesofpinkwhenRyanhadshowedhimthepictureafterward.Ithadbeenfunnyashellatthetime.

Itwasn’tveryfunnynow.Hecouldn’tlookawayfromthepalecurveofJamie’sspine.Fromthe

twodimplesjustabovetheswellofJamie’sass.FromthetinypinkholebetweenJamie’spale,lush
cheeks.

Hefeltlikeabloodyperverteverytimehelookedatthepicture.Thistimewasnoexception,but

hewasn’tlookingaway.Henevercould.Helickedhisdrylips,lookingatJamie’shole.Thereshould
havebeennothingarousingaboutit.Buthecouldn’thelpbutrememberhowtightitwasaroundhis
cock,howgooditfeltaroundhim,howsweetlyJamiemoanedashetookhimindeeperanddeeper—
Jamiefuckinglovedhavinghiscockinhim,hewasgaggingforit—

Dammit.
Swearingthroughhisgrittedteeth,Ryansatup,rakinghisfingersthroughhishairandtryingto

ignorethemassiveerectioninhisboxers.Itfeltlikehehadtwominds:theoldhimwhomissedhis
bestmatelikeafuckinglimbandwantedtohopontoaplanetoRussiatofixwhateverwaswrong
withJamieandprotecthimfromeveryone;andthehornyassholewhowantedtohopontoaplaneto
Russiaforanentirelydifferentreason.Theworstpartwas,hecouldn’treconcilethosetwowantsat
all.HestillcringedeverytimehecaughthimselfthinkingoffuckingJamie.Hecouldn’tsuddenly
stopthinkingofJamieasapseudo-brotheronlybecauseapartofhimwantedtoscrewhim,too.It
wasonehellofamindfuck.HeknewthatinthisstateofmindheshouldstayawayfromJamie—he
wouldonlyendupfuckingwithhisheadandhurtinghimagain.

NomatterwhatwasgoingonwithJamienow,Ryanwouldonlymakeitworse.

Chapter23

“Riseandshine,Jimmy!”
JamesgroanedandburroweddeeperunderthecomforteratthesoundofLuke’scheerfulvoice.
“No,no,no,”Lukesaid,tuggingthecomforteroffandexposinghisbareskintothecoldair.

Russiawasn’tascoldaspeoplesaid.Itwasworse.

“Giveitbackorshutthebloodywindow,”Jamesgrumbled,shiveringandhugginghimself.“It’s

February.InRussia.Notexactlythetimeoftheyeartokeepthewindowsopen.”

“Iwill—ifyougetyourbumoutofthebed.You’renotgoingtospendalldayinbedagain.”
Sighing,Jamessatupandglaredathisfriend.“It’snotlikeIhaveanythingbettertodowhile

you’reaway.”

Luke’ssoftbrowneyeswerecompletelyunsympatheticnow.“Atleastyouaren’ttheone

freezingyourballsoffinthisweatherandattendingmeaninglessmeetingswithpeoplewhobarely
speakEnglish.”Heshutthewindow.“HowdoIlook?DoIlookolderinthissuit?”

Jamesshrugged.Itwasdifficulttomusterupmuchenthusiasmforanythingthesedays.“Not

really.Whydoyoucare?”

“IwantthemanI’mmeetingtotakemeseriously,”Lukesaid,hisgoldenbrowsdrawing

together.Hegrabbedhislaptopfromthedeskandbroughtitover.“Look.”

Jameslookedatthedark-hairedmanonthescreenandfeltavaguesenseofuneasesettleinhis

gut.Apictureshouldn’thavegivenhimsuchacoldfeeling,butitdid.Itwasn’ttheman’sclothes;he
woreaclassydarksuitnotunliketheoneLukewaswearing.Itwasn’ttheman’sappearance:hewas
tall,fit,andquitegood-looking.Hecouldn’tbeolderthanthirty,maybethirty-fiveatmost.

No,itwastheeyesthatmadeJamesuneasy.Thewaythosepaleblueeyeslookedatthe

camera…therewassomethingunfeelingandcruelinthem.

“Whoisthat?”heasked.
“ThemanI’mmeeting.”
“Helooksvaguelyfamiliar.”
“He’sawell-knownbusinessman,”Lukesaid.“OwnsquiteafewcompaniesinEurope,buthe’s

thebigfishhere,ifyougetwhatImean.Iaskedaround.Peoplecallhimashark.”

James’seyeswidened.“Whyareyoumeetinghim?Yousaidyourdaddidn’tletyoudealwith

theimportantstuff.”

“That’sthething:hedoesn’t.”Lukepowereddownthelaptop,hisexpressiongrimbut

determined.“Daddoesn’tknow.I’mgoingtoprovetohimthatIcanhandlemenlikethat.”He
glancedathisreflectioninthemirrorandpulledaface.“IjustwishIdidn’tlooklikeaschoolboy.
Oh,well.”Hesighed.“Wishmeluck.I’llneedit.”

“Goodluck,”JamesmurmuredasLukeshruggedintohiscoatandstrodetowardthedoor.
Lukepausedbythedoorandlookedback.“I’mnotsurehowlongI’llbegonefor.Maybeafew

days.Don’tstayinbedwhileI’moutoftown—I’llknow.Andnomoredrinkinguntilyoulearnto
holdyourliquor.Promiseme.”

“Ipromise,”Jamessaidwithaforcedsmile.
Lukedidn’tlookparticularlyconvinced.“Itoldthehotelstafftofeedyoutwiceaday,butyou

mustgooutatleastonceaday,gotit?”Hisvoicesoftened,“It’snothealthy,Jim.I’mworried.Maybe
it’stimeforyoutogobackhome.Beingawayisclearlynothelping.”

“Ican’tgohome.NotwhenI’mlikethis.IpromisedhimthatIwouldn’tbotherhimanymore.”

Jamesbithislip.“Ican’tgohome.”

Lukeshookhishead.“WhenIlookatyou,Istarthavingsecondthoughtsaboutwantingepic

love.Maybeit’smoretroublethanit’sworth.”

AfaintsmilecurledJames’slips.“Epiclovesucksonlywhenit’sunrequited.”
“Yeah,”Lukesaid.“IhopeI’msmartenoughnottofallheadoverheelsinlovewithsomeone

who’llneverlovemeback.”

Jameslaughedatthat.Lukehadnoideawhathewastalkingabout.“Go.Whatisthelocalpolice

number?I’llneeditiftheRussianmafiakidnapsyou.”

Lukechuckled.“IftheRussianmafiakidnapsme,thelocalpoliceisthelastplaceyoushould

call.”Withthat,hewasgone.

ThedoorclickedasitlockedafterLuke,andhewasalonewithhisthoughtsonceagain.
Afterafewmomentsofstillness,Jamescrawledbackunderthecomforterandclosedhiseyes,

ignoringthepangofguiltforhisbrokenpromisetoLuke.

Forthemostpart,hedidn’tregretjoiningLukeinRussia.LukewasgoodcompanyandRussia

was…interesting:thepeople,theculturaldifferences,thesheersizeofthecountry,thehugegap
betweenthesocialclasses.Itwasallveryinterestingand…

Ithadbeenthelongest,shittiesttwomonthsofJames’slife.Sometimesitwashardtoremember

whyhehadtogetupatall,andthosemorningsweretheworst.Hewasself-awareenoughtoknow
thathehadanastycaseofdepression,buthedidn’tknowhowtopullhimselfoutofit.Howtogeta
grip.

Everythinginhislifejustseemedtohavefallenapart:hisfamily,hisrelationships,hisplacein

theworld.Onthefewoccasionstheyhadtalkedonthephone,hisdadhadyelledathim,beyond
furiousforhisleaving.AfterthefirstfewcallsJameshadturnedhisphoneoff.Hedidn’tneedhis
dad’srantstoknowthathewasbeingirresponsibleandreckless.Heknewheshouldn’thaveleftlike
that.Buthecouldn’tgoback.Notnow.Hecouldn’thandlehisdadatthemoment.Arthurmissed
nothingandhadnoqualmsaboutusingpeople’sweaknessesagainstthem;inhiscurrentstateofmind
JameswouldfindhimselfmarriedofftoMeganbeforeheknewit.Becausehisdadwasright:hewas
weak.HewasweakforRyan,alwayshadbeenandalwayswouldbe,buthewasmuchweakerwithout
Ryan.

Sighing,Jamesturnedontohisstomach,wrappinghisarmsaroundhispillow.Hewantedto

moveon—hewasn’tamasochist—butitwasimpossiblewheneveryfiberofhisbeingwantedRyan,a
deepachethatcouldn’tbesatisfiednomatterhowmanyinterestingplacesLukedraggedhimto.It
wasalmostlikeaphysicalneed,likehungerorsleep.

God,hefuckinghatedhowpurposelessandoff-balancehefeltwithoutoneperson’spresencein

hislife.Hisprideresentedit,buthispridecouldn’tchangehowhefelt.AtfirstLukehadtoldhimit

wasnormaltofeeldownafterabadbreakupandthatheneededtojustrideitoutandmoveon,but
afteralmosttwomonths,Jamieknewitwouldn’tbesoeasyforhim.Hedidn’tfeeldown.

Hefeltlikeafishoutofwater—tryingtobreatheandfailing.

Chapter24

Thevibrationofhisphonewokehimupintheveryearlymorningagain.Ryanreachedforit

blindly.

“Yeah,”hesaid,stillhalf-asleep.
“IcannotfindJames,”Arthursaid.
Ryan’seyessnappedopen.“What?”
“NeitherJamesnorWhitford’sboyisansweringhisphone,”Arthursaid.“NormallyIwould

thinklittleofit,but…”

“But?”Ryansaid.
“Whitfordcalledmelastnight,askingifIheardfromJames.Heconfidedtomethathissonhas

beenmissingforaweek—”

“What?”Ryansaid,sittingup.“YoumeanLukehasdisappeared?”
“Yes,”Arthursaid.“Whitford’sRussiansemployeeshaven’tseenLukeinaweek.Whitford

suspectstheboyhasbeenkidnappedbyoneofhis…businessrivals.”Arthur ’svoicewasextremely
dryashesaidit.

AllRyancouldhearwashisheartpoundinginhisears.“WhataboutJamie?”
“Nooneknows,”Arthursaidbriskly.“Whitford’semployeeshavesometimesseenhimwith

Whitford’sboy,butitappearsJameshasrarelyaccompaniedhisfriendtohisbusinessmeetings.No
oneknowswhereJamesresides.HeusedhiscreditcardinMoscowafewweeksago,butafterthat,
nothing.Forallweknow,hemightbecompletelysafe,but…”

“Buthemaynotbe.”
Arthur ’ssilencespokevolumes:hewasworriedhissonwascaughtupinwhatevershady

businessWhitfordwasinvolvedin.

“Yousaidyoucouldn’tfindJamie,”Ryansaid.
Arthurheavedasigh.“Russiais…averydifferentplace.PeopleIspokewithonthephonewere

eitherunhelpfulonpurposeordidn’tunderstandwhatIwantedfromthem,whichisnotunlikely,
consideringthatmostofthosepeopleseemtohaveonlyarudimentarygraspofEnglish.I’mafraid
theonlycourseofactionistotravelthere,butIhavebusinessmeetingsthatIcan’t—”

“I’llgo,”Ryansaidcurtly,cuttinghimoff.“Ifyoucanhaveavisaarrangedformefast—”
“You’llhaveitbythisafternoon,”Arthursaid.“Myplaneisreadytoleaveatamoment’snotice.

I’vealreadyspokenwithyouremployerandheagreedtogiveyouavacation.”

Ryanwouldhavelaughedifhisstomachwasn’ttiedinknots.
“Howthoughtfulofyou,”hesaid.“Butalittlepresumptuous,don’tyouthink?”
“Isit?”Arthursaid.“I’mnotblind,Hardaway.Youcouldneversaynotomysonwhenhe

neededyou.You’reaspatheticabouthimasheisaboutyou.You’retheperfectpersontosendto
Russia,becauseIknowyouwon’treturnwithouthim.”

RyanwonderedwhatArthurwouldsayifheknewtheextentofhisattachmenttohisson.
“Bringmysonback,Ryan,”Arthursaid,startlinghimbytheuseofhisfirstname.“Tellhimto

ceasebeingsuchadramaqueen.”Headdedtersely,“Tellhimhisfamilywantshimback.Hispoint
hasbeendrivenhome.”

Hehungup,leavingRyanwonderingifheunderstoodArthurcorrectly.

Chapter25

Timepassedinastrange,dream-likestate,daysbleedingtogetheruntilJameswasnolonger

surehowmanydayshadpassedsinceLukehadleft.Sometimesheatewhenthehotelstaffwouldn’t
quitknockingonthedoor.Sometimeshegotsickoflyinginbedfeelingsorryforhimselfor
watchingthefewEnglish-speakingchannelsontheTV,andhewentout.Hewanderedthestreets
aimlessly,listeningtounfamiliarspeechallaroundhim,untilhisnosewasrunningandhewasas
coldontheoutsideashewasontheinside.Hegotlostafewtimes,buttheGPShelpedhimfindhis
waybacktothehotel.Thetwowomeninthevestibulekeptcastinghimstrangelooksandwhispering
toeachotherinRussianwhenevertheysawhim.Jamesusuallyignoredthemandwentstraighttohis
room,wherehetookalong,hotshower—hemightbeamiserable,depressedfuck,butherefusedto
stink.Aftertheshower,hewenttobed.Sometimeshewanked,tryingtogetridoftherestless,
horriblewanteatinghimfromtheinside.Itdidn’twork,nomatterhowhardhefuckedhimselfonhis
dildo.Afterward,hejustfeltmorepatheticandhollow.Sohecrawledunderthecomforteranddidn’t
getoutofbeduntilthenextmorning—averylatemorning.

Thatmorningwasnodifferentfromtheothers.
Untilaknockonthedoorcutthroughhissleepythoughts.
Jamesdidn’tbothergettingup.Itwasprobablythestaff.Hewasn’thungry.
Buttheknockingdidn’tstop.
Whenitbecamelouder,Jamessighed,draggedhimselfoutofbedandpaddedtowardthedoor,

rubbingathiseyes.

Heopenedthedoorandfroze,hisbreathcatchinginhisthroat.
Ryanstoodontheotherside,tallandlargerthanlife,hishandsinthepocketsofhisdark,thick

jacket.Ryan’sjawwasset,hisfacedifficulttoreadashisgreeneyesroamedalloverJames.That
madehimrealizethathewaswearingonlyapairofgrayboxers.

“Youlookterrible.”Ryansteppedintotheroomandshutthedoor.
“Thanks,”Jamessaidwhenhefoundhisvoice.Itwasscratchy,asiffromlackofuse.Cometo

thinkofit,whenwasthelasttimehe’dspokentoanyone?Hecrossedhisarms,tuckinghishands
underhisarmpitstoresistthealmostoverwhelmingurgetojumpontoRyanandwraparoundhim
likeanoctopus.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Hisvoicecameouthostile.

Ryan’seyesnarrowed.Hetookhisjacketoffandthrewitontothecouch.“Wewereworried.

Lukehasbeenmissingfortendays.”

Jamesblinked.“Tendays?”
Ryanstaredathim.“Youdidn’tknow?”
Frowning,Jamesshookhishead.HeknewLukehadbeengoneforawhile,butithadn’tseemed

thatlong.Shit.Whenhadhelosthisgriponreality?

“Yourfatherwasworriedaboutyou.Icannowseewhy.”
“Dadcalledyou?”hesaidnumbly.
“Yes,”Ryansaid,stalkingover.HetookJames’sshouldersinhishands,grippingthemhard.

“Whatthefuck,Jamie?”

Breathingshallowly,Jamesliftedhischin.Ryansmelledofwinterandcrisp,freshairandRyan.

Itmadehimdizzy,butatthesametimehismindfeltsharperthanithadfeltinforever.Theroom
seemedsharper,brighter.Hefeltmorelikehimself,asifhehadbeensleepingforalongtimeand
suddenlywokeuptothisstrangeworldthatdidn’tmakemuchsense.“What?”hesaiddefensively.

“What?”Ryanrepeated.“Haveyoulookedinthemirrorlately?You’velostatleasttenpounds.”
Hadhe?
Jamesshrugged.“I’mfine.IguessI’mjustnotafanofRussiancuisine.”
“Bullshit,”Ryansaid,grippinghischinandforcinghimtolookhimintheeye.Hisfingerswere

icycold.“Jamie,”hesaid,softerthistime,astrangeexpressiononhisface.“It’sme.Talktome.”

Jamesswallowed,feelingmorepatheticthanever.HehatedhowRyankeptcallinghimJamie.

Hedidn’tfeellikeJamie.Jamiewassomeonehappier,someonewhobelonged.JamiewasRyan’s.He
wasn’tRyan’s.Heneverhadbeen.

HeglaredatRyan.“GobacktoLondon.Itoldyou:youdon’tneedtoworryaboutmystupid

feelingsanymore.I’mnotyourconcern.”

AngerflickeredacrossRyan’sface.“Youknowwhat’sstupid?Thatyouthinkyouaren’tmy

concern.You’llstopbeingmyconcernwhenI’mdead.”

Theygloweredateachother,breathinghard.
“Youknowwhat’sreallystupid?”Jamesbitoff.“ThatyouthinkIwanttobeyourconcern.Geta

goddamnpuppyifyouwantsomethingtostrokeyourherocomplex.Orevenbetter—knockHannah
up!Thatwayyou’llhavesomethingtocarefor.Youdon’tneedmeforthat—”

Ryanslammedtheirmouthstogether.ItwassuchashocktoJamie’ssystemaftermonthsof

nothingthatapitifulsoundlefthisthroat.Hecouldonlystand,soakingitinasRyantook,andtook,
andtook,anunrestrained,brutalkissfullofburningneed.ItturnedJamie’skneesintoajelly.Ryanbit
athislippossessively,causingJamietomoan,leanforward,demandmore.Hisbloodwaspounding
asRyandevouredhismouthwithstarved,roughkisses,andyethecouldn’tfullybelievethiswas
reallyhappening,waitingfortheblowhewascertainwouldcome—forRyantostepback,sayitwas
amistake,thathedidn’twantJamiethatway.Butinstead,Ryantwistedhisfingersinhishairand
thrusthistonguehalfwaydownhisthroat,kissinghimbrutally,hisdesireunmistakableashepulled
Jamie’shipsagainsthishardcock.

“I’msorry,”Ryansaidhoarsely,nibblingalongJamie’sjawline,hishandsstrokingalong

Jamie’sbackandthenslippingintohisboxerstogriphischeeks.“I’msorry,”hesaid,pushingJamie
towardthebed.

Eventhroughhisdesire-hazedmind,JamieknewwhatRyanwasapologizingfor:thisstilldidn’t

meananything.Butatthemoment,withRyan’sscentandbodyalloverhim,hecouldn’tbringhimself
tocare.Hewantedhim,hewantedhim,hemissedhim—missedhimsomuchhewantedtocrawl
insidehimorputRyaninsidehimself,gluehimtohimself.

JamiemoanedwhenRyanpushedhimbackonthebedandcrawledontopofhim,coveringhis

faceandneckwithurgent,wet,open-mouthedkisses,suckinghickeysintohisskin.“Jamie,”Ryan
said,hisnamesoundinglikeaprayer.“Jamie,”hesaidagain,trailinghispartedlipsdownJamie’s

chest.“Jamie,”hemumbledintoJames’sbelly-button,hisvoicethickandbarelyrecognizable.
“Baby.”HebitandlickedatJamie’shipbone,makinghimjerkandthrashunderRyanwithsoft,
brokenmoans.Hedidn’tevennoticeRyantakehisboxersoff;herealizedthathewasnakedonly
whenRyanspreadhislegsandstoppedtostareatJamie’sgroin.

Panting,Jamiefoundhimselfblushing,nervousthatRyanwouldbeturnedoffwhenhesawhis

hardcockupcloseandpersonal.HishandsonJamie’sthighs,RyanlookedatJamie’scockwitha
strangeexpressionbeforeshiftinghisgazetoJamie’stonedthighs.Thegreeneyesglazedover.Ryan
leaneddownandbittheinsideofJames’sthigh.AkeeningsoundleftJamie’slips.God.Hewasso
hardithurt.

“Ryan,”hecroakedout,gyratinghiships.“Please.”
Ryan’seyesliftedtoJamie’sflushedface.“Pleasewhat?”
“Fuckme,”Jamiesaid,reachingoutblindlyforthelubehekeptinthedrawer.Bysomestroke

ofluck,hisunsteadyfingersfoundit.HedroppeditbyRyan’shand.“Fuckme,”hesaidagain,
lookingRyanintheeye.

AmusclepulsedatRyan’scheek.“Itwouldjustfuckyouup.”
Jamesalmostlaughed.Don’tyouseehowmuchyou’vefuckedmeupalready?You’retheonly

thingIwant.Ifeellikealimbtornfromyou.Yours,yours,yours.

“Don’tcare,”hesaid,stillsquirmingandgyratinghishipsinimpatience.“Missedyousomuch.

Wannahaveyouinme.”HewouldhaveneversaidsomethingsocornytoanyonebutRyan:with
Ryan,sayingshamelessstufflikethatfeltasnaturalasbreathing.“Wannafeelyou.”

Ryan’seyesdarkened.Lungingforward,hegaveJamieafewbitingkissesbeforestraightening

upandgrabbingthelube.Jamesspreadhislegswider,wettinghislipsinanticipation.HeknewRyan
wasnostrangertoanalsexwithwomen,sohedidn’tworryaboutit.

Andhewasright.Withinminutes,hewaswrithingonRyan’sfingers,pushingbackontothem

withwantonmoans.More.Hewantedmore.HewantedRyan.Ryan’scock,pulsinginhim,stretching
himwide.

“Acondom,”Ryansaid,pullinghisfingersout.
Jamiestaredathimuncomprehendingly,hismindfuzzyandhisholesodamnempty.
“Acondom,Jamie,”Ryangratedout,squeezingthebaseofhisowncock,whichwashard,red,

andglistening.

Jamietorehishungrygazeawayfromitandgesturedtowardthebathroom.“There’ssomein

thebathroom,”hemanaged.“Ithink.”

Ryangotoutofthebedanddisappearedintothebathroom,removinghisremainingclothes

alongthewaywithabrupt,jerkymoves.

ThewaitseemedlikethelongestinJamie’slife.
WhenRyanreturned,Jamiebreathedout,butheforgottobreatheagain,becauseRyanwas

naked.Hewasstunninglygorgeous,butitwasn’tthat.He’dseenRyannakeddozensoftimes.He’d
evenseenhimnakedandaroused.ButneverbeforewasRyannakedandarousedforhim.

Ryanstretchedoutontopofhim.Jamiestartedshiveringwhentheirnakedbodiestouched

everywhere.God.Hewantedsobadlyhecouldbarelythink.

“Lookatme,”Ryansaidharshly,proppinghimselfuponhiselbow.“Lookatme,James.”
Withsomeeffort,JamiefocusedhisgazeonRyan’seyes.
“Listen,”Ryansaid,strokingJamie’sthighwithhisstrongfingersbeforepushingJamie’sknee

upandmovingbetweenhisthighs.TheintensityofRyan’sgazewasexhilaratingandabitscary.“I
wanttofuckyou—Iwannafuckyoubadly—butIcan’tgiveyouanypromises.Ihaven’tfiguredout
yetwhatIwantfromyou.Soyou’dbetterstopme.Now.”Ryanleaneddownandsuckedonhisbottom
lip.“Stopme,damnyou.Foryourowngood.”

Jamiesquirmedunderhim,revelingatthefeelofRyan’shot,muscularbodyontopofhim.He

spreadhislegswider.

“Jamie,”Ryangroaned,swearingunderhisbreath.“Stopbeingsuchaslut.Payattention.”
“I’mpayingattention,”Jamesmurmured,grabbingRyan’serectionwithhisrighthandand

guidingitbetweenhislegs.TheybothhissedasitnudgedagainstJames’sslickhole.

“Jamie,”Ryanhissedthroughhisgrittedteeth.“Stopthinkingwithyourprick,damnyou.”
“Can’t,”Jamiewhispered,lookingupatRyanwithunfocusedeyes.“Iwantyou,”hesaid,his

unsteadyvoicebrimmingwithhonesty.“Somuch.”

Ryangrowledandpushedin,hisshoulderstensingandhisbicepsbulgingwiththeeffortnotto

movetoofast.OhGod.Jamie’seyelidsslidclose,hisbackarching.Atlast,Ryanbottomedoutand
stopped,hiscockthickandpulsinginsideofhim.

Whywasn’themoving?
Withagreatdealofeffort,JamieopenedhiseyesandfocusedthemonRyan.“I’mnotoneof

yourdaintygirls.Youcanscrewmeintothemattress.Icantakeit.”Helickedhisdrylips.“Iwantit.”

Ryangroaned,droppinghisheadnexttoJamie’s.HemouthedJamie’scheek.“You’resucha

whoreinbed.Figures.It’salwaysthequietones.”

JamieturnedhisheadandcaughtRyan’slipbetweenhisteeth.Hesucked.“Onlyforyou.”
Ryan’snostrilsflared.Hepulledoutslowlyandslammedbackin,droppinghisweightforward.
Whining,JamiewrappedhisarmsaroundRyan’sbody,digginghisfingersintoRyan’sback,

hard.“OhGod,faster.”

Grunting,Ryansetafastrhythm,slammingintohim,twistinghishipswitheachthrust,rubbing

hisbodyagainstJamie’scockeachandeverytime.EachstrokesentJamiefurtherinecstasy,each
thrusthadhimwhimperingandmoaningasRyan’shipssnappedforwardatabrutalpace,theintensity
ofitthrillinghissensesinawayhehadneverthoughtpossible.Ryan’scockinhimfeltbeyondgood,
thickandperfect,buttheknowledgethatRyanwantedhimfeltevenbetter.Ryanwantedhimenoughto
bendhiminhalfandfuckhiminsuchaprimitiveway,hisstrongfingersgrippingJamie’shipsina
punishinggripashiscockmovedinandoutofJamie’shole.

Itwasdirty,fast,andprimitive,sounlikeRyan’snormalcaring,overprotectiveattitudetoward

him,andthecontrastmadeJamieshudderandmoan.MaybeRyancouldn’tgivehimpromises,buthe
definitelywasn’tthinkingofhimashislittlebrotherrightnow.

GutturalgroansroseupRyan’sthroat,hishipssnappingforwardfasterandfaster.Hiscock

thrustagainsthisprostateandJamiecriedout.Ryanrepeatedit,overandover,untilJameswas
sobbingandclingingtohim,inhumansoundsleavingtheirlipsastheyskatedcloserandclosertothe
edge.

“Jamie,”Ryangrunted,voiceroughandunrecognizable.“I’mgonna—”Heslammedhiscock

againsthisprostateandJamie’sorgasmovertookhim,slammingintohim,downinhistoesand
rockingthroughhiscoreandcoilingaroundhisspine.Hecriedout,longandpitchyashecame.
Groaning,Ryanshudderedviolentlyandcame,too,droppinghisweightontopofhim.

“Bloodyhell,”Ryansaidagainsthisear,nuzzlingintohissweatyhair.
“Yeah,”Jamiesaidsoftly,hisbodytinglingalloverwithbliss.He’dalwaysknownitwouldbe

perfectwithRyan.“Sogood,”hemumbled.“Loveyou.”

HeregretteditimmediatelywhenRyanwentrigid.
“Let’spretendIdidn’tsayit,”Jamessaid,keepinghistonelight.
Ryanliftedhimselfuponhiselbows,hisgreeneyespeeringathim.“You’resuchanidiot.”
Jamiefrowned.“What?”
Ryanjustshookhisheadand,toJamie’sdisappointment,pulledoutandrolledoffhim.Hetied

thecondomandthrewitinthetrashbeforestretchingoutonhisbacknexttohim.HelookedatJamie

andopenedhisarms.

Smilinginrelief,Jamiecrawledintohisarmsimmediately,settlinghalfontopofRyan.They’d

donethishundredsoftimesinthepast,butitfeltdifferentwhentheywerenaked.Better.Muchbetter.
God,hemissedhimsomuch.

Sighinginpleasure,JamieranhisfingersdownRyan’schestwithasmile.“Cuddletime?”
“Uhhuh,”Ryansaid,tighteninghisarmaroundhim.“I’veindulgedthekinkybastardwho

wantedtodirtyyouupandfuckyouintothemattress.Nowit’stimetoindulgethesoftiewhowantsto
cuddleyouintooblivion.”

“Youspeaklikeit’stwodifferentpeople,”Jamiesaidwithachuckle.
“Sometimesitfeelsliketheyare,”Ryansaid,nuzzlingintohishair.“Thesoftiemissedyou,

Jamiebear.”

Jamiesmiled.“Imissedhim,too.Verymuch.”
“Uhhuh,”Ryanmuttered,hiseyesclosedalready.
“Weshouldprobablytalk,”Jamessaid.
Agreeneyeopened.“We’lltalk,”Ryanmurmured.“Afterwetakeanapforafewhours.I’ve

beenlookingforyoualloverMoscowforthreedays.”Hislipstwitched.“Andfuckingyoutakesalot
ofenergy.I’mknackeredandit’syourfault,Grayson.”

Jamessmiledandclosedhiseyes.Hedidn’tfeeltired,buthedidn’tmindputtingoffthe

conversationforafewhours.Itwasunlikelytobepleasant.HetightenedhisarmaroundRyan’swaist
andheldon—whilehestillcould.

Chapter26

Ryanopenedhiseyesslowlyandstaredattheplatinumblondheadonhisshoulder.Jamie’s

warmbodywasplasteredallalonghis,hislegslungoverRyan’sthigh.Hewasstillasleep.Longpale
eyelashesflutteredbutdidn’topen.Jamiesmiledinhissleepalittle,hisarmtighteningaroundRyan’s
middle.

Theywerenaked.Ofcoursetheywerenaked:they’dhadsex.Andthistimehecouldn’tclaim

beingtipsyorconfused.Thistimehehadn’tbeenapassiveparticipant.Farfromit.

Ryanclenchedhisjaw.Hehadpromisedhimselfthathewasn’ttravelingtoRussiatoscrewwith

Jamie’sheadagain.Thereshouldn’thavebeenanyscrewinginvolved,fullstop.

Yetherehewas,naked,withhisequallynakedbestfriendalloverhimafterbuggeringsaidbest

friend.Hisbestfriendwhowasinlovewithhim.Hisbestfriendwhosehearthecouldn’tbreak.This
couldn’thappenagain—aslongashewasn’tsurewhatthehellhewanted.

Jamiemadeasoftcooingnoise,sighedandshiftedinhissleep.
Hischesttightwithaffection,Ryancouldn’tstophimselffromleaninginandnuzzlingJamie’s

hair.Christ,hemissedhim:thewayhefelt,thewayhesmelled,allwarm,andperfect,andJamie.He
kissedJamie’sforehead,wonderinghowhecouldfeelsuchnakedadorationnow,whenafewhours
agohefuckedJamierougherthanhe’dfuckedanyoneinhislife.Theseconflictingwantsand
thoughtshadbeendrivinghimcrazyforweeks.Formonths.Hecouldneithermergethemnorgetrid
ofeitherofthem.

HewonderedwhatwouldhavehappenedifLukehadn’tgonemissing.Hewouldliketosayhe

wouldhavestayedawayfromJamie,butdeepdown,heknewbetter.Withthewaythingshadbeen
going,hewouldhavelastedafewmoreweeksbeforehuntingJamiedownandre-gluingthemback
together,commonsensebedamned.

“Ifyoufrownanyharder,youreyebrowswillgrowtogetherinthemiddle.”
RyanlookedatJamieandfoundhiseyesclosed.“Youawake?”
Jamieyawnedandburroweddeeperintohisside.“No.”
Chuckling,RyanranhisfingersthroughJamie’shair.“Jamie.”
“No.”Jamie’sbarefootsliddownRyan’sleg.
Ryantensed,hismushyemotionsfadingintothebackgroundastheotherfeelingtookover.The

shiftwassofastitlefthimalittledisoriented.Now,insteadofgettingwarmandfuzzyfeelingsfrom
cuddlinghisbestfriend,hefelthotallover,acutelyawareofallthatsmooth,paleskin.Hefoundhis

handmovingupJamie’sleg,strokinghisthighlightlybeforesettlingontheperfectlyrounded
buttock.Unlikehim,Jamiewassmootheverywhere,hisskinsilky-soft.

“Someone’shandsy,”Jamiemurmured,watchinghimfromunderhiseyelashes.
“Doyoushavedownhere,orsomething?”Ryansaid,squeezingJamie’sbuttockandtryingto

distracthimselffromtheurgetothrowtheselong,tonedlegsoverhisshouldersandgetbackinside
Jamie.

Jamiechuckled,runninghisfingersthroughthesparseblackhaironRyan’sstomach.“Nope.

Don’thaveany.”Jamie’shandslidlowerandwrappedaroundRyan’serectionwithcasualfamiliarity.
ButtherewasnothingcasualaboutthewayJamielookedatit.Jamiewethislipswithhistongue.“I
thinkImissedsuckingyourdickmorethanImissedyou.”

“IthinkI’moffended,”Ryansaid,tryingtokeephisvoicelight.Heclearedhisthroat.“Mate,we

needtotalk.”Mate.Thewordfeltstrangeonhistongue.Wrong.Asifitnolongerfit.Itdidn’t,Ryan
realizedashealmostphysicallyfeltsomethingclickinsidehim.“Jamie?”hesaid,hisheartspeeding
up.

Jamieblinkedandlookedup.
Ryan’sbreathcaughtinhisthroat.God,hewas…Jamie’seyesseemedalmostgreeninthelate

morninglight,shiningabovecheeksflushedfromsleep,hispinkbowlipsparted,andRyanfelt…
Fuck,hefeltlikeconsuminghim.Hewantedtohavehim,neededtoputhimselfonhim,inhim,crawl
hiswayinside,brandhim,lovehim,usehim,takecareofhim,ownhim,cramallofhimintoJamie
—

JamiemadeastartledsoundwhenRyanrolledontopofhim.“Jamie,”hesaidhoarsely,burying

hisfaceinJamie’sneckandmouthingitwithgreedysuckingsounds.“Jamie.God,Iwantyou.”His
handswerealreadypartingJamie’sthighsandstrokingthemimpatiently.Hewanted—needed—toput
himselfinsidehim,theurgencyofthatneedthreateningtoswallowhimup.

“Okay,”Jamiesaid,soundingsurprisedandbreathless,buryinghisfingersinRyan’shair.

“Okay.Whateveryouwant.”

Thewordsjoltedthroughhim.
HecouldbarelyrememberpreppingJamieandputtingonacondom.
Whenheatlast—atlast—pushedin,Ryangrowled,shuddering.Fuck.Therewassomething

aboutbeinginsideJamiethatwassatisfyingbeyondhavinghiscockinatighthole.Closinghiseyes,
Ryanreveledatthefeelingforamoment,buthewantedtomove.Heneededto.

Kissing,theymovedtogether,tryingtosetaslow,steadyrhythm,buthisbodydemandedmore.

Thepleasurebuiltrapidlyastherhythmbecamefastandhard,theloudsoundoftheirskinslapping
togetheraddingtotheirmoansandthesqueakingofthebed.Itwasfastandfilthy,Ryan’sbodyhungry
foritasithadneverbeenforanythingoranyone,asifitwantedtomergethemtogether.Hewanted
to.

Soon,Jamie’smoansgrewinvolume,becomingwhimpersofneed,wantonandarousingas

hell.

Proppinghimselfuponhiselbows,RyanstaredatJamie,watchinghimcomeundone—hispale

cheeksflushed,hislovelyeyesunfocused,hispinklipspartedasJamiepantedraggedly—andRyan
wantedtoswallowhimwhole.

Growling,heslammedtheirmouthstogether,kissingJamiemessilyashefuckedhimhard.I

loveyou,Iloveyou,Iloveyoupumpedinhisbloodashethrustandthrust,wantingtodrivehimself
deeperanddeeper.Jamie’smoanstookonapainedquality,hisarmspullinghimtighterasthey
movedtogether,losingtherhythmcompletely.

“Ryan—”Jamiecroakedoutagainsthismouth,archingandshaking.
“Comeon,Jamie.”Ryanslammedhardintohim.“Comeon,love—”

Jamiecriedoutandcame,hiswallsclenchingaroundRyan’scockinthesweetestway.

Groaning,Ryanletgoandcame,too,pantingintoJamie’sshoulderashisarmsgaveout,wavesafter
wavesofpleasurerollingthroughhim.

Holyshit.
Christ.WoulditalwaysbethatintensewithJamie?
Thethoughtmadehimgoverystill.
Always?
“Ryan?”Jamiesaid.“Somethingwrong?”
Ryandidn’tanswer,tryingtomakesenseofhischaoticthoughtsandemotions.
“Ryan?”Jamiesaiduncertainly,anoteoffearcreepingintohisvoice.Ryanwantedtowraphim

inhisarmsandkisshisfearsaway.

Shit.
“Ryan?”
HeliftedhisheadandlookeddownatJamie.
Jamiewasfrowning,hisblue-greeneyesstillsoftwiththeafterglowbutalittlewary.The

swollenrednessofJamie’slipsdrewhisgaze.

Yeah.
Bloodyhell.
Helaughed,asthewavesofreliefandelationcoursedthroughhim.“Finally.”
“What?”Jamie’sapprehensionseemedtogrow.“Idon’tunderstand.”
Ryanhesitated,unsurehowtoexplainsomethingthatbarelymadesenseeventohim.Herolled

offJamieandpulledthecondomoff.Afterthrowingitintothetrash,hestretchedoutnexttoJamie
andlookedathim.“Thepastfewmonthshavebeenconfusingashellforme,”hemurmured,layinga
handonJamie’sbelly.Hecouldn’tstoptouchinghim.“Icouldn’tstopthinkingofyouassomeoneto
protect,mypseudolittlebrotherI’velovedalmostmyentirelife.Atthesametime,Igotoffon
fuckingyourmouth,eventhoughIthoughtitwaswrongtowantyouthatway.Itfreakedmeout.I
couldn’tmakesenseofit.Itmessedwithmyhead,andIendedupmessingwithyourhead,too.”

“Andnow?”
“NowIlookatyouandIdon’tseeabrother.”Ryanmethiseyes.“Idon’tfeellikeapervert.It

wasallinmyhead.Iguessit’struewhattheysay:thatyoucangetusedtoanythingifgivenenough
time.”AsmiletuggedatRyan’slips.“IguessIgotusedtoitalittletoomuch.Evencallingyoumate
feelsstrangenow.”

“Youmean…”AnunmistakablesparkofhopelitinJamie’seyes.
“Yeah,”Ryansaid,brushinghisthumboverJamie’sbellybutton.“Wantingyoudoesn’tfeel

wrongandweirdanymore.Don’tgetmewrong:you’llalwaysbemybestfriend,butyou’renotjust
that.It’snotenoughforme.Iwantmore.”Hesmiledcrookedly.“NowIfeellikebangingyoulikea
screendoorinahurricaneandthencarryingyouoverthethreshold.Theyaren’tseparatethings
anymore.Theydon’tcontradicteachother.IwantandIwanttotakecareofyou.”

Jamiedidn’tsmileback.Helookedconfused,frowning.“But…butwhataboutHannah?I

thoughtyouwantedtogetbacktogetherwithher.Itoldyoutogobacktoher.”

Sighing,RyancircledhisthumbaroundJamie’sbellybutton.“Wetried,butwedidn’tfit

anymore.”Hehesitatedbeforeadmitting,“Iwasamesswithoutyou.”

“Yeah?”Jamiesoundedverypleased,theprick.
“Yeah,”Ryansaidwitharuefulsmile.“Imighthavebeenadicktoeveryone.Hannahwasn’t

impressed.Intheendweagreedwe’dbebetteroffasfriends.”

Jamiestudiedhim.“Anyregrets?”
Ryandidn’thurrywithhisanswer.HeknewthiswasimportanttoJamieafterhe’dbeenonthe

receivingendofhisangerandbitternessoverhisfailedrelationshipwithHannah.Jamiedeservedan
honest,thought-outanswer.

“Iwasinlovewithher,”hesaidatlast.“Ithoughtshecouldbeitforme.”Jamie’sgazedropped.

RyantappedhimonthebellyandJamielookedupagain.“ButIwaswrong.NowIknowit.WhenI
lostyou,shecouldn’tmakemehappy.Nothingcould.”Hislipstwisted.“Idon’tlikethepersonI
becomewithoutyou.I’mnotsureIevenknowthatperson.”Feelingnakedinawaythathadnothing
todowithexposedskin,Ryanclearedhisthroat.“Ididn’trealizehowmuchIneededyou,howbadit
wouldbe.Didn’trealizehowbadIwasatfunctioningwithoutyouuntil—untilyoubrokeupwithme
overthefuckingphone.”Heglowered,stillnotquiteoverit.

ApuzzledexpressionappearedonJamie’sface.“Ididn’tbreakupwithyou.Wewerenever

together.”

“No,weweren’t,”Ryansaidwithalaugh.“Butitsurefeltlikeabreakup.Amuchmorepainful

onethanmybreakupwithHannah.”

Jamie’sfacewasblank.“It’snotthesame,though.”
“No,itisn’t.Ididn’tlovehermyentirelife.”
Jamie’sthroatworked.“Don’t,Ryan,”hesaid,avertinghiseyes.“Youdon’thaveto.It’senough

formethatyougenuinelywanttobemorethanfriends.”

Ryanstaredathim.Thenherolledover,pinningJamieunderhim.“Isthatwhatyouthinkitis?”

hesaid,boringhiseyesintoJamie’s.“ThatIwanttobe…friendswithbenefits?”

Jamieshrugged.“Don’tyou?”
Ryanalmostlaughed.“It’dneverbeenoughforme.Notwithyou.”HeeyedJamie’slovelyface,

hisfeaturesdearandfamiliarinwaysthatmadehisthroatcloseup.“Iloveyou,silly.That’snever
beenaquestionforme.You’remyeverything.Iwanteverythingfromyou.Iwanttogiveyou
everything;Ialwayshave.Ijustcouldn’tbefore.”Ryanfrownedandcorrectedhimself.“IthoughtI
couldn’t.”HeleaneddownandkissedthecornerofJamie’smouth,breathinghimin.“Iwaswrong.It
justtookmeawhiletostopfeelingitwassicktowantyouthatway,too.”Hebrushedtheirlips
together.“Iwantyou.”HebitJamie’sswollenbottomlip.“Iwantyousomuch.God,Iwouldkeepmy
dickinyouallthetimeifIcould.”

Jamielaughedagainsthislips.“That’sabitofanoverkill.”Hegrinnedcheekily.“WhatifIwant

toputmydickinyou?”

Chuckling,Ryanpulledbackalittletolookdownathim.“Don’tpushyourluck,Grayson.”
Jamie’sgrinwidened.“Hmm,Ipreferbottominganyway,butweshallsee.Iknowhowbadyou

areatsayingnotome.”

Ryansnorted.“Yeah,apparentlyevenyourfatherknowsit.SpeakingofArthur,hetoldmetotell

youtostopbeingsuchadramaqueenandcomehome.”

Jamie’sgrinfaded.Hemadeaface.“He’lljustnagmeaboutdoingmydutytothefamilyand

marryingMegan.”

“Idon’tthinkso,”Ryansaid.“IthinkI’mnottheonlyonewhorealizedsomethingwhileyou

weregone.”

Jamie’seyeswidened.Hestartedsmilingbeforefrowningsuddenly.“Ican’tgohome.Yousaid

Lukehasbeenmissingfortendays.”Heswepthiseyesaroundtheroom,guiltflickeringinhiseyes.
“Iwastoobusyfeelingsorryformyselftonoticethathe’dbeengoneforsolong.SomefriendIam.”

“Hemightbefine,”Ryansaid.
Jamieshothimaskepticallook.“Heshouldhavebeenbackbynow.”
Ryansighed,floppingontohisback.“Iknow.I’mworried,too,butlet’snotassumetheworst,

okay?IthinkLukehasjustbeencaughtupinwhatevershadybusinesshisfatherisinvolvedwith.
MaybeWhitford’s…associateswanttouseLukeasleverageinsomedeal.Hemightbesafeenough.

ArthurtoldmeWhitforddidn’tseemallthatworriedabouthisson’swell-being,justannoyedbythe
situation.”

“Isthatsupposedtomakemefeelbetter?”Jamiesaidwithapinchedlook.
“No,”Ryansaidfirmly.“Butthere’snothingyouorIcandotohelpLukeevenifheneedshelp.

Wedon’tknowthecountryorthelanguage,orwheretostartlookingforhim.Nottomentionthat
yourvisaisendingandyouliterallycan’tstayinRussiaevenifyouwantedto.”

Jamiestilldidn’tlookhappy,butnodded.“Iknow.IthinkDadhassomeacquaintancesinthe

MI6.I’llbemoreofahelptoLukebackhomethanhere.Icangivethemthedescriptionoftheman
Lukewenttomeet.”

“Yes,”Ryansaid,lookingawaytohidehisrelief.Maybeitwasselfish,buthedidn’twantJamie

tostayhereandgoaroundaskingquestionssomepeoplemightfindtoouncomfortable.Ryanliked
Lukeandwasgenuinelyworriedabouthim,butJamie’ssafetywashispriority.Italwayswouldbe.

“We’llflyhomethisafternoon,”Ryansaid.“Butfirstwe’llgetyousomethingtoeat.”
Jamierolledhiseyeswithasmile.“Yeah,whatever.”Heclimbedoffthebed.“ButfirstIwanta

shower.”HelookedbackatRyanandsmiledcoyly,asifhecouldn’tquitebelievehewassayingit.
“Coming?”Hestretchedhishandout.

Therewassomethingsurrealaboutit.
IfsomeonehadtoldhimhalfayearagothathewouldbeinaRussianhotel,naked,withhis

equallynakedbestfriend,andthatJamiewouldinvitehimtojoinhimintheshower,hewouldhave
laughedoutloud,thinkingitwasabadjoke.Halfayearago,hehadthoughtHannahwastheonefor
him.Nowheknewbetter.Therehadalwaysbeenonlyonepersonforhim.He’djustbeentooblindto
seewhathadbeenthereallalong.

Hegotoutofthebed,hiseyesfixedonJamie.
“Ryan?”Jamiesaid,cockinghisheadtotheside,hislipsslightlyparted.God,hewasfucking

beautiful,andhewasallhis,Ryan’s.

“Iwanttokissyou,”Ryansaid,takingtheofferedhandandpullingJamieflushagainsthim.
Jamieactuallyblushed.“Iwanttokissyou,too.”
“Whyaren’twekissingyet,then?”
“Idunno,”Jamiesaid,loopinghisarmsaroundRyan’sneck.
“Wemustrectifythat,”Ryanmurmuredbeforedoingjustthat.Thiskisswasn’thungry.Itwas

slow,exploratoryandsensual.Itfeltgoodinawaythatmadehisstomachachewithaffectionand
love.HeturnedhisheadandkissedJamiedeeper,mouthwetandopen,losinghimselfinthe
sensation,theirtonguessliding,Jamiepantingandmoaningintohismouth,everyslickpointof
contactlikeaconfession:Iloveyou,Ineedyou,Iwantyou.God.HehadlovedHannah,butbeingwith
herneverfeltthisway.Beingwithhernevermadehimfeelsofuckingwhole.

Theybrokethekissgently,pantingalittleandsmilingateachother.
“We’renevergoingtoliveitdown,youknow,”Ryansaid,sighing.“Afteralltheyearsof

denyingit.”

Jamiemadeaface.“Tristanwillbeinsufferable.”
Ryanchuckled.“Healreadyis.”Though,tobefair,Tristanhadbeenabsolutelyright:It’swrong

andweirdonlyforaslongasyouletitbe.

“Yeah,but…”Lookingthoughtful,Jamieshrugged.“Hedidhelpmefigureoutafewthings,so

IguessIshouldthankhim.”HelookedRyanintheeye.“Ifitweren’tforhim,Iwouldn’thaveeven
toldyouhowIfeelaboutyou.YouwouldprobablybestillwithHannahandIwouldstillbe...”

Ryan’sheartclenchedwhenhesawpainflickeracrossJamie’sface.Itwasgonequicklyand

Jamiesmiled,butithadbeenthere.Itwasstillthere:theyearsofpretendingandputtingonahappy
faceforhissake—oldpain,nevertrulyhealed.

HecradledJamie’sfaceinhishandsandleanedtheirforeheadstogether.“Wewillthankhim,

then.Wewillbevery,verynicetohim.”Alazysmirkstretchedhislips.“Itwillconfusethehelloutof
him.Itwilldrivehimcrazy.Tristangetshilariouslyflusteredwhenpeoplearenicetohim.”

Jamie’slipstrembledagainsthisbeforelaughtereruptedfromhischest,unburdenedandhappy.

Grinning,Ryanwrappedhiminhisarmsandheldontohim—hisbestfriend,hislover,hisotherhalf,
hishappiness.Labelsdidn’tmatteriftheyallmeantthesamething:

Jamie.

Epilogue

(ExcerptfromJustaBitRuthless)

Monthslater

LukeWhitfordsatbythepool,watchingthebrightlyilluminatedhouse.Hecouldhearthe

laughterandmusicevenfromhere.ItwasJames’stwenty-thirdbirthday,andsinceJameswas
practicallylivingwiththeHardawaysthesedays,hisbirthdaywasbeingcelebratedatZach’shouse
thisyear.

Wrappinghisarmsaroundhisknees,Lukesmiledwanly.Hewasgladforhisfriend,gladthat

everythingwasfinallygoingwellinhislife.Jamesandhisbrotherweregettingalongwellenough,
thoughitwasstillaworkinprogress,consideringwhatapricklyblokeTristanwas.Theystillribbed
eachothermercilessly,butitwasobviousthattheyenjoyedtheirbanter.EvenJames’srelationship
withhisfatherhadimproved:ArthurseemedtobeslowlycomingaroundandacceptingthatJames
andRyanweretherealdeal,andnothingwouldkeepthemapart.

AndLukeknewnothingwould.Hehadneverseenhisfriendsohappy.Itwasastrikingcontrast

totheguyLukehadleftinMoscow,andLukecouldbarelybelievehiseyeswhenhesawJamesagain
monthslater,afterLuke’s…return.

Yeah.HewashappyforJames.Anditwasnicetoseethatlovethisstrongreallyexistedand

happilyeveraftersweren’tathingoffairytales.

Bitinghislip,Lukeliftedhiseyestothemoon.
Heshouldprobablygobackinside.ButGod,hewassickofbeingonthereceivingendof

pityingandconcernedlooks,asifhewasterminallyill.Hewassickoftellingeveryonethathewas
fine.Noonebelievedhim,anyway.

Amovementontheterracecaughthisattention.Lukesmiledalittle,noticingthetwotallfigures

standingthereineachother ’sarms.RyanandJameswerekissingunderthefullmoon,handsineach
other ’shair,mouthsgreedyandtenderatthesametime.Theykissedliketheyownedeachother.It
mustbenicetoloveandfeelloved.

Realizingthathewasstaringatthemhungrily,Lukedraggedhiseyesaway,tothesmoothdark

surfaceofthepool.Anotherburstoflaughtercamefrominsidethehouse.

Hedidn’tbelonghere.Butthenagain,hewasn’tsurewherehebelongedanymore.

Behindhim,abranchcracked.
Luketensedup,goosebumpsrunninguphisspineasthemostpeculiarawarenessfilledhim.He

heldhisbreath,hishearthammeringagainsthisribs.Thud-thud,thud-thud,thud-thud.

Itwassilly.Therewasnoonebehindhim.HewasbackinEngland.Hewasbackhome.
Hecouldn’tbethere.
Abig,callousedhandwrappedaroundhisneck.
AshudderrolledthroughLuke’sbody.Itwasn’tpossible.Hewasimaginingthings.This

couldn’tbehappening.

Swallowing,heturnedhisheadslowly.
Icyblueeyesmethis,andLukecouldn’tbreathe,drowningintheircolddepths,likearabbit

caughtinahunter ’ssnare.

Hecouldscream.RyanandJameswouldhearhimeasilyifhedid.
“Missme,solnyshko?”saidadeceptivelysoftvoice.
Lukelungedforwardandslammedtheirlipstogether.

TheEnd

AbouttheSeries

CurrentlytheStraightGuysseriesincludesthefollowingbooks:

#0.5-

StraightBoy:AShortStory

(SageandXavier)

Young,blondandhandsome,Sageattractsunwantedattentioninprison.Whenhiscellmate

offershimprotection,Sageacceptstheoffer,eventhoughhedoesn’ttrusttheguy.Littledoeshe
knowhowmuchitwillchangehislife.

Whenhe’sreleasedfromprison,Sagefindshimselfneedingandwantingthingsheshouldn’t

want.Sageisstraight.Heis.Hehasagirlfriend.Whathappenedinprisonstayedinprison—orso
Sagetellshimself.

Untilhemeetshisformercellmateagain.Xavier.Theguyhehatesandcraves.

#1-JustaBitTwisted

(ShawnandDerek)

ProfessorDerekRutledgeishatedandfearedbyallofhisstudents.Strict,reservedandruthless,

hedoesn’ttoleratemistakesandhaslittlepatienceforhisstudents.

ShawnWyattisatwenty-year-oldstrugglingtoprovideforhisyoungersistersafterthedeathof

theirparents.Onthevergeoflosinghisscholarship,Shawnbecomesdesperateenoughtogoto
ProfessorRutledge.

EveryonesaysRutledgedoesn’thaveaheart.Everyonesayshe’saruthlessbastard.Shawnfinds

outthateveryoneisright.

HestrikesadealwithRutledge,butunexpectedly,thedealturnsintosomethingsomuchmore.
Somethingall-consumingandaddictive.
Somethingneitherofthemwants.

#2-

JustaBitObsessed

(AlexanderandChristian)

AlexanderSheldonlikesorderandcontrolinhislife.Heisn’thappywhenhisgirlfriendinvites

anotherguyforathreesome.Alexanderbelievesinmonogamy,andhe’sneverbeengoodatsharing
histhings.Itdoesn’thelpthatChristianrubshimthewrongwayfromthebeginning.

Butwhatstartsasanimosityturnsintosomethingelse.Somethingunexpectedandverywrong.
HewasneversupposedtotouchChristian.Hewasneversupposedtofeelpossessiveoftheguy.

Andhemostdefinitelywasn’tsupposedtowantChristianmorethanhewantshisgirlfriend.

It’sarecipefordisaster.

#3-

JustaBitUnhealthy

(GabrielandJared)

Whenthelinebetween"need"and"want"getsblurred…
GabrielDuVal,risingsoccerstar.
JaredSheldon,teamphysician.
Totheoutsideworld,they’rejustgoodfriends.Butthetruthis,Gabrielisn’tentirelysurewhat

theyaretoeachother.

Somecalltheirrelationshipunhealthy.Somecallitcodependency.Gabrielcallsitconfusing.He

knowsJaredwantshim–asmorethanafriend.Hedoesn’twantJared.He’sstraight,hehasa
girlfriend,andhelovesher.ButJaredis…Jaredismore.Jaredishis.Heneedshim–histouchand
hisstrength.

ButisitenoughforJared?

#4-

JustaBitWrong

(TristanandZach)

ZachHardawayisoneofthebestphysiotherapistsinEurope.
TristanDuValisayoungsoccerstarwithagroininjury.
Theydespiseeachotherfromthemomenttheymeet.
AsfarasZachisconcerned,Tristanisarich,spoiledbratwhoistoousedtogettinghisown

way.

AsfarasTristanisconcerned,Zachisabossy,presumptuousprick.TristanhatesZach.Hedoes.

Theproblemis,healsowantstoshoveZachagainstthenearestwallandclimbhimlikeatree.

#5-JustaBitConfusing(RyanandJames)

Bestfriends,inseparablesincechildhood,oneinlovewiththeother,theotherstraightandin

lovewithawoman.

Storieslikethisdon’thaveahappyending;JamesGraysonknowsit.Heputsonasmile,he

laughs,hejokes,andhepretendshe’sfinewhenRyankisseshisgirlfriendinfrontofhim—untilhe
can’t.

Exceptnothingiseasyandlettinggoturnsouttobemuchharderthanonemightthink.Some

bondsaretoostrongtobebroken,evenforastraightman.Andsometimesloveanddesirecanhave
differentfacesandlayers.

Astoryoftwomentryingtofunctionwithouteachotherandfailing.

#6-JustaBitRuthless-aworkinprogress

FromtheAuthor:

Thankyouforreading.I’mcurrentlyworkingonJustaBitRuthless,Luke’sstory.Itwilllikely

bethemostcontroversialintheseries,andI’mveryexcitedaboutit.Thebookwillbepublishedin
2016,butthere’snoreleasedateyet.Tobenotifiedwhenthebookbecomesavailable,youcan
subscribetomymailinglist:

http://www.alessandrahazard.com/subscribe/

Youcanalwayscontactmeatmywebsite

http://www.alessandrahazard.com

oremailmeat

author@alessandrahazard.com.

IhopeyouenjoyedRyanandJamie’sbook.

Allthebest,
Alessandra

Document Outline

Contents
Just a Bit Confusing
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Epilogue
About the Series

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