Intermittent Explosive Disorder by Jandco

A Twilight Fan Fiction Story

Summary

Intermittent Explosive Disorder--mental disorder characterized by extreme expression of rage and
violence. ANGST.

Prologue

IED.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

- Behavioral disorder characterized by extreme expressions of anger, often to the point of

uncontrollable rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand.

- IED is a mental disturbance that is characterized by specific episodes of violent and aggressive

behavior that may involve harm to others or destruction of property.

Persons with the disorder experience violent and aggressive behavior that often results in property
damage and physical bodily harm to others. These intense episodes occur spontaneously, not in
response to provocation. Often, individuals express extreme regret and remorse as soon as the
episode is over. Usually, he/she does not exhibit aggressive tendencies in between episodes. Onset

of IED is usually between late adolescence through mid twenties.

-

Bella and I knew we‟d always be together.

There‟d never been any discussions about „being exclusive‟ or „where is this going‟.

Since the seventh grade, when a volleyball smacked her in the face, and I‟d been elected to walk

her to the nurse‟s office, I have been hers.

More philosophical people may say our connection formed when the blood from her lip stained my

hands.

True believers in fate might say that volleyball brought us together.

My answer is much more simple - it was love.

If I am certain of anything, it is that I love her and that I always will.

That is the truth I live for, the religion I cling to.

While it‟s true that the following series of events were unforeseen and nightmarish, they haven‟t

changed my truth.

The thing is, you can‟t change the truth.

You can‟t turn it into something else or let go of it or deny it.

It just is.

While all else will waver or rot, she will always be my one true thing.

Nothing she has done, nothing she will ever do can change that.

Whether I like it or not.

Chapter 1.

The accident wasn‟t even that bad.

Frankly, I‟ve seen her do much worse.

“Let me do it,” I said, anxious and impatient.

“No. You leave streaks, and I’m almost done anyway,” she said, not looking down from her perch

on the ladder.

I held the ladder tight in an attempt to steady the not so steady Bella.

It was early spring, we were washing the windows.

I let out a loud sigh.

Bella looked down and squeezed the soapy sponge, raining the water on my head and laughing.

“Cute,” I said, shaking the damp hair from my eyes, not taking my hands from the ladder.

My eyes fell on the suds now trailing down her legs.

I let one hand off the ladder and let my fingertips trail up the back of her thigh.

She looked down over her shoulder at me and raised an eyebrow.

“Really, Edward? Chicks in soapy water? How original,” she said, feigning annoyance.

I shrugged and put my hand back on the ladder and nodded for her to continue, then trained my

eyes at her feet, so I wouldn’t be tempted to stop her again.

She leaned forward and attempted to stand on her tiptoes, but the soapy water had made the soles

of her tennis shoes slippery, and… it happened.

She flew forward, and I grabbed her waist before she hit the ground, but not before I heard a

sickening thwack when her forehead smacked the cement window sill.

I flipped her toward me; her face was an inch from mine.

She stared at me for about five seconds, before letting out a bloodcurdling scream of pain.

“Okay, we’re okay… Baby, you’re okay…” I whispered softly under her screams, as I ran her inside

and lay her on the couch.

She had a concussion, I knew it the second I looked in her eyes and saw her mismatched pupils.

I grabbed some ice from the freezer, but didn’t bother wrapping it in anything. I just held it over

the huge welt forming on her head.

“Fuck, that hurt!” she spat, clutching my wrist as I held the ice in place.

“Are you dizzy?” I asked.

“Hell, yes, I’m dizzy!”

“How many fingers?” I asked, holding three fingers in front of her face.

“Three. I’m fine, it just hurts,” she said, and I noticed tears leaking from the corners of her eyes.

I used the palm of my hand to wipe her tears and asked if she felt nauseous.

She didn’t.

When I asked her to move her neck, she did.

I asked her questions, all of which she answered.

I woke her every hour on the hour.

I did everything I’ve been trained to do.

I knew concussion procedure like the back of my hand; I treated them daily… It was mere child’s

play.

She hadn’t even lost consciousness.

There was barely any blood, only a nasty scrape.

The next morning, aside from a nasty wound and a dull headache… she was fine.

So, you see, it wouldn‟t have made a difference if she went to the hospital or not.

The damage was done, we just didn‟t know it.

Two Months Later

I busted into the bedroom, a towel barely hanging from my waist and water still dripping from my

hair. I stole a quick glance at the blue, glowing numbers on the alarm clock next to the bed.

4:42 a.m.

I was going to be late.

I grabbed a fresh pair of scrubs from the dresser; there wouldn‟t be time to change at the hospital.

I ran the towel through my unruly, wet hair; combs were useless to me, anyway.

The room was still dark, so I let my hand feel around blindly over the top of the dresser for my

hospital ID.

Some change, my keys , Bella‟s hand lotion… No ID.

I hated doing it, but I flipped on the light.

I didn‟t want to wake Bella - she‟d been so busy with work and school lately, she needed the sleep.

Plus, she‟d been unusually irritable the past few days. I just wanted her to rest, but I was late.

She groaned and rolled over in the bed.

I walked to the side of the bed and looked on the nightstand for the ID.

No luck.

Despite my rush, I stopped and gazed at Bella.

Even in a sweaty, fitful sleep, she took my breath away. Her dark hair was knotted, damp with
sweat and fanned out over the white pillow case. Her delicate eyebrows were knitted together, and

her jaw was clenched tight.

I sighed.

She‟d been under stress lately, trying to work and keep up with a summer program at the graduate
school. She‟d been determined to graduate in the fall, taking on way too many classes.

It didn‟t help that I hadn‟t been around too often lately.

I told myself things would be better soon; we were going through this now to get where we wanted

to be. Sure, it was hard now, but we‟d agreed it‟d be worth it in the long run.

I couldn‟t help myself, so I leaned down, brushed some loose hair from her face and softly kissed

her temple.

She immediately jerked her head away and snapped her eyes open, scowling up at me.

“Relax, it‟s just me,” I said, all too aware of her nightmares.

“I know it‟s you,” she said, but her expression didn‟t change.

I straightened myself and looked down at her, perplexed.

She certainly wasn‟t mad before we went to bed… I let it go.

“Have you seen my ID?” I asked her.

She sat up in the bed and glared at the clock.

“Have you seen the time?” she asked in an acid tone.

“I know, I‟m sorry. I didn‟t mean to wake you up -”

“Well, you did,” she said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

It was odd for Bella to be so hostile… without having a reason, anyway.

“I‟m exhausted.”

“Go back to sleep,” I said.

“I‟m up now,” she spat.

“Okay,” I said, putting my palms in the air and turning around.

I‟d look for the ID in the living room.

Before I made it to the door, I heard a rustling, then a loud crash.

I turned back.

She had yanked the nightstand drawer out and threw it to the ground, spilling the contents

everywhere.

“What are you doing?” I asked, my eyes growing wide.

Without a word, she whipped the ID across the room at me.

I caught it by the silver, beaded chain before it hit me in the face.

“Anything else?” she growled at me.

“No,” I said quietly.

She flopped back on the bed and closed her eyes.

I stood there, stunned for about a minute, before I clicked the light off and silently walked out of

the room.

-

I walked into the elevator at the end of my long shift and hit the button to the first floor.

It had been a long day.

I‟d spent the past few months shadowing Dr. Landsport, Chief of cardiology. He had taken me
under his wing, letting me assist in bypass surgeries and insisting one day I would take his place as

Chief cardiologist.

He liked me, said I showed as much potential as he did years ago.

It helped that my own father was Chief of staff at the hospital… but whatever the reason Dr.

Landsport favored me, I was grateful.

I was learning from the best.

Just as the doors were sliding together, a dainty, manicured hand shot in and stopped them.

Jessica Stanley, admittance nurse, strolled in.

“Glad I caught you, Dr. Cullen. Dr. Landsport wants to admit your heart palpitation guy… I need

you to sign off on it.”

“Mr. King,” I said.

“Huh?”

“Heart palpitation guy? His name is Mr. King.”

I understood in my chosen field it was all too easy to start turning people into ID numbers or
conditions, but it was important to me, important to them, that they remain individuals.

They were very real people with very real lives and histories and families.

To lose sight of that would be a direct contradiction to my job, to help people.

Jessica smiled and handed me a pen and clipboard.

I sighed and scrawled my name quickly on the forms, then waited for Jessica to get out, so I could

be on my way.

“So… how‟s Isabella?” she asked pleasantly enough.

“Bella‟s fine. Tired… busy and… I‟d like to get home to her, so…”

“Oh! Right. Well… I‟ll see you tomorrow,” she said with a small giggle.

“Right. Bye.”

She walked out, and the doors slid shut.

I let my back sag against the wall, while I descended to the main floor.

Bella.

I hoped she‟d be there when I got home. I left the house this morning more than uneasy.

I remembered the look on her face - it had been one of… rage.

Because I turned the light on?

Bella had never been one to fly off the handle about… Well, anything, really.

The doors dinged open, and I walked out, staring at my feet to avoid making eye contact with any
acquaintances. I just wanted to be home.

Finally in my car and on my way to her, I‟d convinced myself it wasn‟t what it seemed.

She was just tired. Hell, I could understand that; I was tired.

The nightstand thing could‟ve happened to anybody. She was trying to help and yanked too hard.

Much too hard.

Then she whipped the ID at me.

I shook my head.

I was over analyzing, as I tended to do.

It was just a bad mood.

-

At home, I walked in the front door and immediately called out for Bella.

“Kitchen,” she called back, and her tone seemed pleasant.

She was at the counter, chopping a tomato into a bowl of salad.

“Hi,” she greeted, smiling brightly.

She dropped the knife on the counter and held her arms out to me.

“Hey,” I said, grabbing her waist and kissing her neck, then her lips.

“I missed you today,” she said, her arms still wrapped tightly around my neck.

“Me too,” I replied. “How was your day?”

“Eh…” She released my neck. “Busy. Yours?”

“Long,” I said, hoisting myself on the counter, next to the salad bowl.

“Saved any lives, doctor?” She winked at me, before going back to the tomato.

I snorted and picked a tomato slice from the salad.

“What‟s with all the food?” I asked.

“It‟s our turn for dinner,” she said.

“Ah.”

My brother Emmett and my best friend Jasper, along with their girlfriends Alice and Rosalie,

rotated with Bella and me hosting weekly dinners.

The six of us were beyond lifelong friends; we were family, plain and simple.

“I‟m gonna go change,” I said, jumping down from the counter.

“Okay… Hey, Edward?”

“Hmm?”

Bella put the knife down and looked up at me, her eyes round and anxious.

“I‟m really sorry. About this morning.”

“It‟s okay.” I shrugged.

“But, it‟s not,” she said, and her lip started to tremble.

“Bella?”

I reached out and put an arm around her neck, pulling her to me.

Abruptly, she was sobbing into my chest, soaking my shirt with hot tears.

“Bella, it‟s not a big deal,” I said against the top of her head.

I was confused. Why was she so upset about this?

“But… it is,” she cried, her voice muffled by my shirt. “You didn‟t even do anything wrong… and I

tried to hurt you. I‟m so, so sorry. I didn‟t mean it and -”

I pulled away and held her tear-stained face in my hands.

“We‟re stressed out. We‟re tired. I know you didn‟t mean it, and… honestly, an ID card to the face

wouldn‟t have done much damage, anyway,” I said, half smiling.

Bella gave a watery smile and sniffled.

I brought her face to mine and kissed her lips, trying to shake the feeling that something wasn‟t
quite right.

“You all right?” I asked, using a thumb to wipe away a stray tear from her cheek.

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Do, uh… do you think that maybe… maybe we don‟t have to mention it to

anyone? I mean, I‟m kind of embarrassed and ashamed of mys-”

“Of course,” I said, grinning at her in what I hoped was a reassuring way… though her request

surprised me for several reasons.

Why did she want to keep something so insignificant a secret?

In my mind, I‟d already decided the whole incident was… nothing.

We‟ve fought worse before.

The second thing was, Bella hid nothing from our friends.

They knew everything about everything, so why hide this… Nothing?

“Hey, out of curiosity, why?” I asked.

“I told you, it‟s embarrassing, and I don‟t need the teasing from Emmett.”

“Bella, it wasn‟t a big deal -”

“It was. To me. Okay?”

“Why?”

“Because… because I was awful to you and I don‟t even know why. I can‟t explain it and I can‟t

justify it. I was just so mad -”

“People get irritable all the time. It‟s not like you‟ve never snapped at me before.”

“It was different. I was angry. Really angry. I… I couldn‟t help myself.”

My heart sunk.

She looked scared.

“Bella, we -”

“Why is dinner not on the table? I‟m fucking starving.”

My brother walked in the kitchen, flanked by his girlfriend, one of Bella‟s best friends, Rosalie.

Bella‟s eyes pleaded with me, and I gave a slight nod.

“What‟s the matter with you?” Rose asked Bella, while she cracked open the oven to see what was

cooking.

“Nothing… Chopping onions,” Bella said, swiping at her eyes.

Rose raised an eyebrow and glanced back and forth between Bella and me. She didn‟t buy it, but it

wasn‟t her style to pry.

Unfortunately, tenacious Alice chose that moment to walk into the kitchen with Jasper.

“I bought red,” she said, skipping a greeting and holding up a bottle of wine. “You said lasagna,

and so I thought - why are you crying?”

Alice plunked the wine on the counter, and Emmett snatched it up.

“Oh, I was cutting onions -”

“Bullshit,” Alice said, her hands on her hips.

Bella‟s shoulder sagged, and she threw me a desperate look.

“I‟m just stressed out,” she said, before a better lie came from my mouth.

“What happened?”

“Nothing in particular…” Bella‟s lie trailed off.

God, she was horrible at this.

I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled at her.

“She‟s just fine,” I said with a tone of finality to Alice, not looking up from Bella.

“You guys are acting odd,” Rosalie said, and Alice nodded in agreement.

Emmett raised his eyebrows and fished around in the salad bowl, picking out a few cucumbers.

“Is she pregnant?” he asked.

“No, and why is it that whenever a chick cries, you assume she‟s pregnant?” I asked.

“Because it‟s the only thing that could make me cry.” He shrugged.

The timer on the oven went off, and the subject was dropped, though I noticed Alice kept stealing
questioning glances at Bella.

Bella, for her part, was her normal self during dinner. Happy, laughing, engaging in witty
conversation and well… Bella.

I knew her well enough to know when she was putting up false pretenses and she wasn‟t.

At night, when we climbed into bed, I attempted to resume the conversation that was interrupted

by our friends.

“I‟m over it,” Bella said lightly, before curling up into the crook of my arm. “I was overreacting

about overreacting,” she laughed so genuine and true, I knew she meant it.

I kissed her lips and watched her eyes close.

I decided to write the whole thing off as a strange day, as she was acting like herself again.

Looking back now, I realize I should‟ve listened to my instincts.

But you know what they say… Hindsight is twenty/twenty.

Chapter 2.

Bella has always been the most beautiful, kind, compassionate person I know, which is why my

family immediately embraced her as one of their own.

Which is why she was the glue that held the six of us together all these years.

Which is why none of this makes any sense.

Which is why I‟d do or endure anything for her, why I‟d quite literally put my life in her hands.

Four Days Later

I was sleeping.

Of course I was sleeping, it was 2:30 in the morning.

Something hit me hard in the stomach, knocking the breath from my lungs and causing my eyes to

fly open.

I could just make out her silhouette in the dark; she was straddling me.

As ridiculous as it seems now, my first reaction was an erection, then a smile.

My hands moved to grasp her hips, and I didn‟t even see her hand coming at me, I just felt the

slap.

Hard.

“What the hell are you -”

She smacked me again, then let both of her hands slap down on my chest.

“What the fuck?!” I hissed out when she dragged her nails down my skin.

She retracted them, then sunk them in again, clawing around quick and fierce.

I blindly and wildly fumbled for her wrists, finally locking them in my hands.

She thrashed around, and I held her wrists tight to my chest, trying to figure out what the hell was

going on.

“Bella! Bella!”

“Fucking let go,” she growled.

“Calm down…”

“Let go!” she shrieked, and I did, afraid I was hurting her.

I pushed her off of me and sat up, then leaned over and fumbled for the lamp on the nightstand.

The entire time she smacked and scratched at my back.

I gave up on the light when she started kicking at me.

“Get out! Get out!” she yelled at me, over and over, but I could barely understand her words.

I couldn‟t say anything… I couldn‟t even move.

I was frozen in shock.

Then, just like that, she got up.

Bella ran to the bathroom, the door slammed, and I heard a loud crack when she no doubt kicked

the door.

I stared straight ahead into the blackness, listening to the sound of my pulse drumming in my

ears.

What the hell just happened?

There was no more noise coming from the bathroom. Running on confusion and adrenaline, my

brain started to work, and I got up from the bed and bounded to the bathroom door.

It was locked.

“Open it,” I said, pounding my fist on it once.

Silence.

She was scaring the shit out of me.

“Open the damn door, Bella!” I yelled, my tone a mixture of panic and desperation.

I heard a small, low sob.

My forehead rested on the door, and I jiggled the knob.

“Dammit! Unlock the fucking door!” I shouted, the fear and confusion bubbling over.

Nothing.

“Move away from the door,” I said lowly, then I kicked it in.

My eyes fell on her, and my heart broke.

She was huddled in the corner between the tub and the wall, staring at her hands in front of her

face, wide-eyed and breathing too fast.

I walked until I stood just over her. When she didn‟t move, I squatted down in front of her, but her

eyes stayed trained on her hands.

My blood was dark and already dried under her fingernails.

Bella slowly raised her eyes to mine and stared at me in horror.

“Oh, my God,” she whispered.

“What happened?” I asked.

“I don‟t know,” she croaked, and the tears that were brimming at her lids started to spill.

“Okay,” I said, because I didn‟t know what else to say.

Abruptly, she flung her arms around my neck tightly.

My eyes widened, and I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her up from the cold tile floor.

She was shaking and choking on her sobs. I held her tighter, not sure what else to do.

“I‟m sorry. I‟m sorry. I didn‟t mean it, Edward! I didn‟t mean it…”

I pulled back, making her release her hold on my neck.

Bella‟s eyes went wide with terror, and she clapped both of her hands over her mouth. She was

staring at my chest.

I looked down at the ragged, open scratches and purple claw marks, dotted angrily over my flesh.

Not my biggest concern right now.

“I did that? I did that! How could I do that…”

“Were you having a nightmare?” I asked.

“No. I don‟t know… Maybe,” she cried out, on the edge of hysteria. “Look at you! Look what I‟ve

done to -”

“I‟m fine,” I said, pushing sweaty, tear soaked strands of hair from her face.

“I made you bleed! God, Edward… what the hell is the matter with me?” she asked, sounding so

pleading and broken, it made my heart lurch.

I didn‟t know how to answer her.

“Can you tell me… exactly what you were thinking?” I asked gently.

“I just… I was so mad and I swear, I couldn‟t stop. I could not make myself stop… but I can‟t really

remember what I was thinking…”

I shook my head.

“You were having a nightmare,” I said, sure of myself.

Bella always had nightmares. She even talked in her sleep sometimes - it was the only thing that

made sense.

Bella bit her trembling lip and nodded.

I grabbed her hand and led her to the sink, then turned the faucet on.

I put her hands under the warm water, pumped some soap into my own hand, then cradled hers in

mine and let the water run over us.

We stayed like that, staring at each other in the reflection of the mirror… trying to silently reassure

each other.

I finally broke our gaze and looked down, flipping her hands so I could get rid of the blood

underneath her nails.

She clutched onto my hand when we walked quietly back to the bed.

When we lay down, she curled herself into a ball and pushed up forcefully next to me, then clung
to me fiercely, her body still shaking.

Looking back now, I see she was looking for protection - she was clinging to me in the hopes that I
might be able to save her from herself.

-

The next morning, while my eyes were still closed, I felt Bella‟s lips brush lightly over my chest.

My eyes fluttered open, and I put my hands on either side of her head, lifting her face.

Bella‟s eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks were wet with fresh tears.

“Bella -”

“Shh… Please… just… let me love you,” she whispered.

I watched her kiss every mark she inflicted on my body.

She‟d pause, inspect the wound, and her face would twist in pain and shame, before she softly

kissed, then moved onto the next one.

“Come here,” I said, when I couldn‟t watch her self-inflicted torture anymore.

She crawled up the length of my body, tired and slow.

Before she could speak, I lifted my head from the pillow and kissed her lips.

Her hands went to my hair, and without breaking the kiss, I sat up and pulled her into my lap.

Bella‟s hands fluttered down my back too lightly. She was being deliberately gentle.

I fell forward, so she was beneath me, and I kissed the tears still coming down her cheeks.

Bella‟s hands slid my shorts down, and I yanked up the old t-shirt of mine that she always wore to

bed.

Her limbs wrapped around me, and her face pressed into my shoulder, making her tears glide

down my skin and her cries muffled.

“Don‟t cry, Bella. Please don‟t cry.”

“I need you,” she said, pushing her hips up, rubbing herself against me. “Please, just love me

right now… I need this…”

I wedged a hand between us and guided myself into her.

I rocked us back and forth, until I was deep inside of her.

“I love you… I love you…” she murmured, and I tried to ignore the guilt that seeped from her tone.

I pumped into her harder, trying to make her forget… and for that short period of time, she did.

Her tears stopped, and her sobs turned into moans of pleasure.

I thrusted harder, quicker, taking us both far away from last night.

Her walls clamped around my cock, clenching me tightly. I pressed my forehead to hers and
grinded inside of her, making us writhe and climax together.

I spilled inside of her, and a foolish, poetic part of me hoped it would wash all of this away for
good.

I let my body go limp on top of her, and she braided her fingers into my hair.

We lay still, dozing in and out of sleep, until we heard the front door open, then slam shut.

“Get outta bed, you two! We have coffee!”

It was Alice, and by „we‟, she probably meant everybody.

I sat up and found my shorts, then slid them on. Bella sat up, while I rolled over her and got out of

the bed.

“I‟ll go out there. Just take your time,” I said, before kissing the top of her head.

I just made it to the door, when she called my name.

“Huh?” I asked.

Bella took the t-shirt off and tossed it to me.

I caught it in mid air and gave her a questioning look.

She bit her lip, and her eyes fell to the scratches on my chest, then looked up again, pleading with

me.

“You don‟t have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about,” I said, looking her square in the

eye.

“I‟m coming in there after you if you‟re not out here in two seconds!” Alice shouted from outside

the door.

“I mean it, Bella. Don‟t- ”

“Please?” she whispered, and I slid the shirt over my head.

I did mean what I said.

Bella had nothing to be ashamed of… She didn‟t have a malicious bone in her body.

She had a dream that frightened her, and she reacted… That was all…

And right then, I truly believed that… but it would only be a matter of time before I‟d run out of

excuses for her.

Chapter 3.

We both slid in to denial as things got progressively worse.

Bella‟s episodes came more frequently and more violently. It was no longer just smacking and

scratching, she‟d begun to employ objects - anything in her reach - to throw or hit me with.

I stopped trying to find an explanation when it was over. Mostly I just held her, while she cried and
yelped apologies. Sometimes it was too much, and I‟d just walk away, leaving her terrified and

broken and alone.

I‟d be lying if I said resentment wasn‟t starting to build.

Our lives were being torn apart, slap by scratch, bruise by blood…

And I felt like a monster.

She was making me think things I didn‟t know I was capable of thinking.

I wanted to shake her, I wanted to break her hands when they flew at me in rage, and I wanted to
scream and smack and hit her, just as she had done to me.

The ironic part was we didn‟t discuss it.

On good days, we pretended all was perfectly normal, and on those days, I let myself hope

foolishly that it was over.

On those days, she was my Bella, and despite the marks on my body that served as proof, I almost

found it hard to believe anything had ever happened at all.

Bella stopped going to work and school. Again, we didn‟t ever speak of it; we didn‟t have to, we

both knew why.

She was afraid she‟d hurt someone, and for the life of me, I couldn‟t bring myself to argue that.

Another unspoken aspect of this hell was the secrecy. After a while, I forgot it was even an option
to let someone else in on this… Nobody knew what was going on inside of our home, behind closed
doors. Bella would refuse to see Alice and Rosalie, unless I was around. She‟d make up excuses

and lies, and without even thinking about it, I‟d play along with her.

Why?

I‟m still not entirely sure now… All I knew was I was confused, but everything always led me back

to Bella… I just couldn‟t betray her.

Still, the weight of these unspoken decisions was getting harder and harder to hold.

The denial, I suppose, stemmed from the fact that if we both acknowledged it out loud, anything
good that remained would change… And to me, that was scarier than anything Bella could

physically do to me… but still, a tiny, black part of me was starting to hate her.

One Month Later

I was getting ready to leave work, rather regretfully. I dreaded walking into our home at the end of
the day, never quite sure of what I would find. At the hospital, it was much easier to pretend things

were normal. Work was an escape, and I reveled in it, while at the same time, I hated it.

I was constantly worried Bella would hurt herself while I was gone - not on purpose, but lately
she‟d been into breaking things.

I was at Jessica‟s admittance desk, signing off on papers, when Dr. Landsport approached me.

“Dr. Cullen, glad to have caught you,” he said, bustling up.

I gave a slight nod and kept my eyes on the paperwork. There was a scratch on my jaw, and I‟d

done enough lying about it today; I was tired.

“I‟ve cleared your schedule for tomorrow -”

“Why?” My head snapped up.

I knew things were starting to take a toll on me, but not at work.

Lately I‟ve been throwing myself into work. In fact, Dr. Landsport had been letting me participate
even more in surgeries.

I didn‟t want a break. I needed to be here; I hadn‟t gotten sloppy…

“I want you to do the Meyer bypass tomorrow, start to finish. You‟re ready for this, and I‟ll be the

supervising surgeon.”

A slow smile spread across my face.

Finally.

Something good.

I shook his hand and thanked him, for more than he could ever understand.

He gave me the Meyer chart to pore through and the surgery schedule, then he was gone.

Suddenly, I was buoyant.

“Congratulations!” Jessica said, slipping into her coat.

“Thank you,” I said, smiling back at her.

“You should celebrate,” she said. “I know you shouldn‟t drink, but dinner or something…”

“Yeah…” I said, and my stomach flipped.

I wanted so badly to be with Bella right then. I wanted to go back two months and share this with

her, with my Bella… but I was alone.

“Well, Isabella will be proud. Tell that girlfriend of yours to take you out to dinner.” Jessica winked,

putting her purse on her shoulder.

Before I knew what I was doing, I did it.

“She‟s not home.”

“Oh. Well, what the hell? I‟m not busy, let‟s go to eat.” Jessica shrugged.

And just like that, I agreed.

The thing you have to understand is this. I‟ve never been attracted to Jessica Stanley.

At all.

But right then, she just seemed so normal, so refreshingly normal, that I couldn‟t help it.

I wanted two hours, just two hours outside of work, just to be normal.

I wanted to eat a meal without my stomach churning. I wanted to laugh without a tense cloud

hanging over me. I wanted to not pretend, and Bella had taken all of that from me.

Even in the company of our friends, it was all still there.

That‟s why, when Jessica Stanley, a complete outsider to my world, offered me normal, I took it.

My intentions were self-serving, but not wrong. I would never look at another woman the way I
looked at Bella. I simply couldn‟t feel anything for anyone other than her… which is why I hadn‟t
left her a month ago. There was nothing else for me.

Dinner was dinner, Jessica flirted, I didn‟t, and we talked about work.

Then I went home.

Two hours late.

“Bella?” I called out as soon as I opened the door. I was always playing offense.

I found her in the kitchen, fumbling in the drawer where we kept the steak knives.

Her shoulders were shaking, and I heard frustrated whimpers coming from her.

My stomach plummeted, and I flung myself toward her and grabbed her hands, still inside the

drawer.

“Where the hell were you?!” she screamed, kicking back, nailing me in the shin.

“Dinner,” I said, defiant, like a child.

I briefly wondered how long she‟d been like this, then felt a painful stab of guilt.

I shouldn‟t have done this.

Her hands wriggled in the drawer, still locked in mine. It was only a matter of seconds before one

of us got cut on a blade.

“Let go,” she hissed, and I did.

I don‟t know why.

Maybe to see what she would do.

Maybe because if I did, it would all just… end.

Maybe because I was tired of being the one in control all the time. Maybe because just once, I
wanted to let it out, to fight back… because tonight, when I should be happy and proud, I was here

doing this.

The resentment from all of the pain and all of the secrecy came to a head.

She had successfully dragged me into her madness.

“What are you going to do? Cut me?” I asked, holding my hands in the air.

She screamed, and her hands came from the drawer, wielding a knife.

I caught her wrist, and the knife dropped to the floor.

She thrashed and kicked, and something occurred to me.

I was stronger than her.

I‟d been so worried about her getting hurt, I hadn‟t before realized how easily I could simply

overpower her.

I let out a sharp, bitter laugh and brought her to me by yanking her wrist.

I drew in her other, flailing arm and held both of her arms down, using one of mine.

This infuriated her more, and she whipped her head back, crashing her skull into my lip. I laughed
at the sharp shock of pain and bent down to pick the knife up, still restraining her small, wiggling

body to mine.

Bella worked an arm free, and I jerked my head back, certain she would go for my face, but she

didn‟t.

Her arm dropped to her side, and I put my hand in the drawer to put the knife away. Then her

hand shot out and slammed the drawer shut.

I froze in pain.

She did it again, then again, quick and fierce.

“Fuck! Fuck!” I yelled out, letting her go.

She instantly fell to the floor, and I held my hand up to my face.

It was broken.

I was certain of it.

I stepped over Bella, who was in a heap on the floor, and walked out the door.

She‟d be fine; it was over for now. There was always at least a few hours between shows, and right
then, I didn‟t care much about her apologies or her guilt.

On the way to the hospital, I held my throbbing hand to my chest and tried to block everything
else out. If I could just focus on the pain, I wouldn‟t have to think about what I‟d just done, or how

I couldn‟t let this go on anymore. I wouldn‟t have to acknowledge that we were… destroyed.

At the hospital, I sat in the ER on a flimsy cot, waiting to be X-rayed.

There was a woman next to me, probably mid-forties, with a busted lip and some nasty bruises
around her neck.

I listened, while she lied to the attending, my colleague, explaining how she fell down the stairs.

Oldest lie in the book, not very creative.

I‟d heard it a thousand times when I did my residency in the ER

Please.

Bruises on your neck from a fall down the stairs?

It was a clear case of spousal abuse; these women always lied to cover for some sick bastard. I

never understood why, and it was beyond frustrating. I mean -

“Dr. Cullen! What happened to you?” Dr. Gerandy, head of ER, came to my bedside.

I smiled limply and held up my hand.

“It‟s broken.”

“I see that. What‟d ya do, kid?”

“I slammed it in the car door.”

Jesus.

I glanced at the woman next to me and I suddenly understood.

This was sick.

This had to stop.

Dr. Gerandy chuckled, then looked thoughtful.

“What?” I asked. Surely, he didn‟t suspect -

“I guess this ruins your plans for tomorrow. I only just heard you were…”

My eyes closed, and I let his words tune out.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

She‟d blown it for me.

Looking back now, I suppose it was my fault… I let it go on, I let it perpetuate, but at the time, all I

could do was blame her.

I was X-rayed and casted, then went up a few floors to take care of the matter of tomorrows

operation that I would no longer be performing.

I drove home, cursing my hand and cursing Bella. My jaw clenched and unclenched, and my body

kept tensing with rage.

I whipped the door open and bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

The bedroom door was open, and she was there, sitting up on the bed, shaking and crying.

Right then, I saw all of her.

The little girl who got slammed by a volleyball, the beautiful, compassionate woman I vowed to

love forever… and the monster who attacked me without mercy.

Inside of me overwhelming love mixed with shreds of hate and resentment, and my stomach

heaved from all of it.

I wanted to hold her and tell her it was okay.

I wanted to shake her and tell her she ruined my life.

“Edward, oh, my God…”

“Do you have any idea what you‟ve done?” I asked, holding my casted hand up.

Her body crumpled and folded in on itself. The cries coming from her were primitive and painful.

“It‟s over. I‟m done. We‟re getting to the bottom of this,” I said, because I just knew this wasn‟t

really her. There was an explanation somewhere, and I‟d never give up on her.

I refused.

“I‟m scared,” she yelped.

“Yeah, well, me too,” I said harshly.

“I can‟t hurt you anymore… I… think I should… leave.”

“Oh? And go where?” I asked, still angry.

“I don‟t -”

“You can‟t run from this anymore. I won‟t let you. We have to stop pretending, Bella, because

someone is going to get hurt. Badly.”

She nodded.

“I‟m telling Charlie tomorrow and then I‟m going to my father. He might -”

“No! No!” she said, jumping out of the bed.

“Yes. You need help, and I can‟t seem to give you that.”

“I will get help, but, God, this would kill Charlie -”

“You‟re killing me!”

This bought on a fresh round of tears, but I‟d had enough of that too.

She started to walk to the bathroom, but I wouldn‟t let her run anymore. As she passed me, I

grabbed the t-shirt she wore.

“Let me go,” she whispered.

“No.”

For the first time, I wanted her to get angry. I wanted her to go violently mad, so I could be angry
too.

She twisted around weakly, but I kept a firm grasp on her shirt.

She smacked at my hand, and I let her, smirking down at her and watching her try to break free. I

was going to save her, even if it was the last thing I did.

She went to bite my hand, and I let her, but it was surprisingly not painful.

She didn‟t mean it, and I wasn‟t quite sure what that meant.

When she drew her mouth away, I pressed my lips down on hers, giving in to the mix of love and

hate.

Her nails dug into my sides, burning me, but her lips parted, and she slipped her tongue into my

mouth.

I gripped her face, letting the cast press into her skin, probably too hard, and pushed my tongue

back into hers. I was going to win this fight.

Bella‟s hands pulled at my hair, bringing me closer, and I mimicked her, pulling at her hair… but

then she stopped.

My grip released automatically, and Bella took a step back.

Her eyes were round and soft and understanding.

Without a word she lifted her shirt over her head and let it fall to the floor.

She reached for my hand and placed it on her breast, then squeezed down hard, her hand still

covering mine.

I looked up to meet her eyes. She was biting her lip and staring into my eyes, and then I knew

what she was doing.

She was giving me permission.

Bella was going to let me take my aggression, my anger and resent out on her in the most loving

way possible.

Her hand squeezed harder.

“Bella, don‟t -”

“I want you to.”

“No, believe me, you don‟t,” I said, but I couldn‟t make myself move my hand.

I took a deep breath.

I couldn‟t touch her right now, not with everything going on inside of me. I could hurt her with the

anger and love and sorrow I was feeling right now.

“Please? Please, let it out,” she said. “I know you love me, and I know you‟re angry, and I know

I‟ve left you no options. You need to -”

“I could hurt you,” I whispered, taking a step closer.

“You won‟t,” she said, picking up my broken hand gently. She kissed the fingertips peeking out of

the cast, then lightly bit down on them, giving me a very small incentive… but it was all I needed.

With my hand still on her breast, I pushed her back, until her knees hit the bed, and she fell back

onto it.

She smiled in… relief? Triumph? I wasn‟t sure, but it didn‟t matter, I was already giving in to all of

the horrible things inside of me.

I stood between her legs and gripped her thigh tightly with my hand, leaving marks on her this

time. I kept my eyes off of her face; I couldn‟t look there and see love right now.

I leaned forward and grabbed her tits roughly with one hand, and the frustration that I couldn‟t use

both agitated me more.

I pinched down hard on her nipple, and she cried out in pleasure. Her hips lifted from the bed,

humping up and down at nothing, and I kept twisting and pulling at her.

“More… Harder,” she panted.

I lifted my hand, and it came back down in a hard smack in the same spot. She yelped out, egging

me on, and I did it again, then slid my hand down, clenching and pulling her flesh as I went.

My hand stopped between her legs, and I let my palm rest against her core.

She was enjoying this.

Her wetness pooled in my hand, and without warning, I slammed three fingers inside of her.

Bella spread her legs wider and inched down, into my hand, asking for more.

I pumped my fingers in and out of her, rough and hard, tearing at her until I had to make myself

stop. Bella being Bella would let me go too far; she‟d sacrifice herself for my sake, and I knew it.

I dropped to the floor on my knees and without looking, for fear of the damage I‟d done, I let my

tongue glide up her slit, then dip inside of her.

I kissed and sucked, reveling in the physical parts of her, the parts that were still familiar and
unchanged. Maybe her mind was foreign to me now, but this body was as familiar to me as my

own, and I clung to it. It was all I had left.

Bella kept very still, as I worked back up her body, nipping at her and kneading at her flesh. I
stood and unbuckled my belt and stepped out of my pants, then let myself collapse onto her. She
put her hands in my hair, but I didn‟t want her to feel me, so I grabbed her hands in one of mine
and held them over her head. I dipped my head down and took her nipple into my mouth and bit

down, causing her to wiggle and buck beneath me.

I sucked and licked my way up her chest and neck, listening to her loud, quick breathing.

When I reached her lips, she lifted her head to kiss me, but I couldn‟t. I turned my head from hers
and pressed my lips into her shoulder, and my eyes fell on my limp, casted hand resting next to

her head.

I abruptly sat up.

“Don‟t stop,” she whispered.

“Flip over,” I said.

I just… couldn‟t look at her.

She rolled to her stomach and lifted her hips, so she was on her knees, and I spread her thighs,
positioned myself at her entrance and closed my eyes. I took a deep, pensive breath and prayed I

would be forgiven for this blasphemous act… God forgive me, but it was anything but love.

I slammed myself into her, and she moaned, low and satisfied.

My broken hand slammed down on her lower back, sending shocks of pain through both of us,

causing us both to yell out.

I did it again, and she bucked back into me, and I pushed back harder.

“Hold still,” I growled, and she did.

I pounded hard and deep into her, trying to drive out the violent demons inside of her. She arched

her back, and my hand gripped into her hair, pulling it back.

With each heavy breath, she let out a grunt, while I silently and fiercely kept drilling into her.

My hair was drenched in sweat and hung in my eyes, my muscles started to ache, and then,
without warning, her pussy clamped down, and she started spasming, her elbows bowed and

shook, and I felt her come on my cock, wet and violent.

I kept going just as hard, until I exploded into her with a one final, angry thrust.

Her body collapsed on the bed, and I quickly jumped off the bed, abruptly horrified at what I‟d just

done.

My shaking hands raked through my hair, and I couldn‟t catch my breath.

I stared at her still form, face down on the bed, and slowly walked backward, my head slightly

shaking no, trying to deny what I‟d just done.

I turned and went to the bathroom and into the shower.

Fuck the cast.

I got in and stood numbly under the hot spray of water, then pounded my good fist into the wet

tile twice.

What had I done?

Shame coursed through me, and my throat constricted. I was going to throw up. I swallowed and
gagged, gasping for air through the humid mist.

I love her.

Still.

I love her.

How could I have done that, permission or not? It was sick and it was wrong… and she may not
know better right now, but I did, and I took advantage of her trust in me… But maybe she wasn‟t

the only one terrified and lost in this. I needed something, anything…

The shower door slid open, and Bella was there, naked and wearing an expression of
understanding.

She gave a watery half smile and stepped into the shower.

And there she was, my girl. My Bella, clear as day in front of me, strong and reassuring.

I grabbed her waist with one arm and crushed her to me.

She held onto me tightly and kissed any flesh she could get to.

“Edward, it‟s okay,” she whispered, and I barely heard her over the rush of the water running over

us.

I sighed heavily at her words.

I just wanted someone to say that to me.

I drew my head back and kissed her softly on her lips, trying to apologize… because I was sorry.

Because I loved her. Despite my anger and despite her actions, I still needed her… Maybe even

more than she needed me.

“I‟m going to figure this out. Everything will be fine,” she said.

And for that fleeting, small moment, I almost believed her.

Chapter 4.

The next morning broke wet and dismal… perfectly fitting.

We hadn‟t really slept through the night… We mostly just held onto each other and talked about

what all of this could mean.

For the first time it was out there, spoken, and a small part of me hated it.

There was no going back, for her or me; now I would have to face what I‟d done as well. The
secrets I kept, the countless lies I told, the way I let her keep this going for my own selfish

reasons… and the way I‟d used her last night.

Shame still burned hot inside of me, and I promised myself I‟d never touch her in anything but love

ever again.

We lay in the dark and whispered apologies and promises back and forth; Bella had been peaceful,

loving and warm - she‟d been herself.

In the morning, we showered together again, quietly, taking in our last few moments of peace,

before we would leave to go break this thing open.

Due to my broken hand and my already cleared schedule, I had the day off, which was good,
because I still planned to go to Charlie and my father… and Bella was being surprisingly agreeable,

eager even.

“Are you gonna be okay?” I asked, hoisting myself up on the kitchen counter.

She nodded and let her fingers brush over my cast.

“I have to do this. I have to,” she said, staring at the cast.

I stretched a leg out to her and nudged her thigh and smiled at her.

“You know I love you, right? I mean, I love you. No matter what.”

“I know,” she smiled and stepped in between my legs. “That‟s kind of the problem. You‟ll put up

with this until… until…” she trailed off, biting her trembling lip.

I pulled her in and rested my chin on her head.

She didn‟t need to utter it, we both knew what she couldn‟t say.

It was silent for a while, and a sick part of me wondered what would happen if I didn‟t stop it.

I was jerked out of my morbid thoughts by the sound of car doors slamming in the driveway.

“Who the hell could that be?” I mumbled.

Who would be here at nine o‟clock on a Tuesday morning?

“It‟s raining.” Bella shrugged, taking a step back. “Baseball.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

When we were kids, we played baseball in the rain, all six of us. The tradition carried on into
adulthood, and because it so rarely rained in Phoenix, it was always an event. The other five

always dropped whatever they were doing and met up to play.

As soon as a rain cloud would roll in, they‟d leave work or school, or get out of bed in the middle of

the night to meet up. It was an unspoken pact - it was just what they did.

And I used to too… but it wasn‟t so easy to leave a patient for a baseball game in the rain.

Needless to say, I hadn‟t played in quite a while.

“I‟ll get rid of them,” I said, grasping her hips and moving her to the side so I could hop down.

“No, Edward, don‟t. I want to play.”

“Bella, no, we -”

“Look, I‟ll do it right after. I‟ll go straight to the hospital or to Charlie or wherever you want me to…
but I feel in control today… And you‟re here, and we never all play together anymore… And I just…
I want one last, normal thing, for all of us, before they know about me… before everything

changes. Please, let me give this to them. Please.”

“Baby, I don‟t -”

“Can you think of a more perfect way for us to all just be together… happy…” She was pleading,

desperate, like she actually needed this.

I had to remember that she had been in this nightmare too.

That she was just as hurt and scared, probably even more… She deserved something good for

once.

I would love to hear her laugh and play again… I missed it desperately.

And how long could the rain last? An hour maybe? I‟d been doing this for two months, another

hour wouldn‟t kill me… hopefully.

“Edward, the rain is a sign… I just know it,” she said, full of excitement at the thought of doing

something… happy.

I gave in, and she threw her arms around my neck.

She was right, the rain was definitely a sign.

-

The four of them trampled into the house, talking and laughing loudly… and I was struck by how

foreign the laughter sounded in our home.

I was jealous of how simple their worlds were, I was jealous of the life I used to have.

“What are you doing home, Doctor?” Emmett asked, swatting at my head.

I ducked, and he missed.

I held up the cast.

Emmett raised his eyebrows and whistled.

“What happened?” Jasper asked, and Alice started rummaging through her purse.

“Car door,” I said, my gut twisting at the lie, but I felt Bella‟s body relax beside me in relief.

“You asshole,” Emmett laughed, shaking his head.

He had no idea.

Alice produced a black Sharpie from her purse and held it up, grinning wickedly at me.

“Forget it,” I said, backing away.

“Oh! Come on. You‟re no fun anymore,” she said, grabbing for my hand.

And she was right.

I wasn‟t.

I held my arm out; the cast had to be replaced anyway, the shower had ruined it.

They all took turns scrawling graffiti on the cast, until I looked like a thirteen year old boy with

very dirty friends.

Emmett simply wrote „douche bag‟ in big block letters, and I couldn‟t help but crack a very real

smile.

Their immaturity was infectious.

Abruptly, I felt good.

I needed them. They reminded me that there was still some happiness somewhere for me.

I decided right then and there to let it go, just for one hour, just so I could have this.

Rosalie thrust the marker at Bella, who‟d just been watching and laughing until now.

Bella cradled my hand to her chest for a moment, and I stared pensively at her face, nervous

about what she might do.

I fought the overwhelming urge to snatch my hand away, then felt sick I had to think about it at

all.

She brought the marker to my cast and began to write.

“„When all else fails, love remains’.”

It was one of her favorite quotes, I knew it well, but somehow, now the words had new meaning.

I felt… hope.

We stared at each other until Emmett scoffed.

“Well, now he just looks like a pussy.”

-

I couldn‟t actually play because of my hand, so I was elected referee, which was fine - I‟d been
playing that role a lot lately.

We were in the same muddy field we‟d played in since childhood, laughing and getting soaked in
the rain, calling each other out on cheating and mercilessly harassing each other.

For the first fifteen minutes, it was fun, and I was glad we came.

Then Rosalie handed Bella the aluminum bat, and I winced. My eyes focused in on the bat, and all I

could see was a weapon.

I took a few steps toward Bella, just in case.

“Pssh, easy out,” Emmett called from the pitcher‟s mound, tossing the ball in the air and catching

it.

Bella grinned and tapped the bat in the dirt.

“Just pitch the ball, moron,” she said.

“In good time, Babe Ruth. I‟m strategizing.”

Her knuckles went white around the bat, and her shoulders tensed.

“Fucking throw it,” she yelled.

Emmett laughed in giddy shock at her outburst, and Jasper whooped in the outfield, innocently

egging her on.

They couldn‟t have known.

“Oh? You ready, tough girl?” Emmett taunted, holding the ball up.

“Emmett! Stop!” I yelled, and all eyes turned to me like I was the crazy one.

Emmett smirked and tossed the ball in the air again.

“Don‟t -”

“Fuck you!” she shouted at him, then took off like a shot with the bat still in her hand, before I

could catch her.

I ran, aware of the confused stares on me, my eyes locked with Emmett‟s.

“Fucking move!” I shouted at him, just as the bat made contact with his side.

He fell to the ground, and I grabbed her arm, just before the bat came down on him again.

I shook her arm hard, forcing her to drop the bat, and she bucked and writhed hysterically,
shouting and cursing at Emmett, who was on the ground, his face distorted in pain.

Jasper ran over and extended his arm, heaving Emmett up, and I heard Rosalie‟s terrified screams,
mixing with Bella‟s enraged growls.

I gathered Bella‟s swinging arms and crushed them down, into me.

Rosalie was in front of us in a flash.

She wound an arm back and slapped Bella‟s screaming face.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” she cried, defending Emmett.

Bella kicked out, but Rosalie jumped back.

Alice came and yanked Rose back; Emmett was clutching his side, breathing hard.

Bella spat and screamed at me, demanding to be let go.

They all stared in frozen, horrified confusion, while they watched her twist and thrash like an

animal in my arms.

I briefly thought about what this must look like to outsiders who‟ve never seen her do this before. I
almost laughed at their expressions, because this was as routine to me as getting the mail.

I don‟t know how long it lasted… Seconds, minutes, hours?

All I know is that her screams eventually turned into sobs, and she went limp against me.

I lowered her to the ground and stood straight.

I couldn‟t hold her this time.

I was disgusted with her, with myself for being so… stupid. For letting her hurt someone else. It

was my fault, and I knew it.

“Em, I am so sorry,” I said, apologizing for her, but mostly for me. I stepped around Bella, who

had drawn her knees to her chest and cried. “Are you all right?” I asked Emmett.

“What the fuck was that?!” he shouted, wincing in pain.

I felt like a fool, because I couldn‟t give him an answer; because I lived like that for two months
without an explanation and now, for the life of me, I didn‟t know why.

Something clicked in me when I saw her attack somebody else. I never actually saw how
animalistic and vicious it really was… or maybe I had, but chose to look past it. At any rate, I

couldn‟t anymore.

And then, because I was worried she‟d convince me otherwise if I gave her the chance and because

I was sick of the responsibility and I was tired of being worried and hurt, I made a decision.

“Call the police. Press charges. Tell them it‟s her, they‟ll send Charlie.”

“What?! No, no,” Alice cried. She was looking at her best friend, her sister, broken and sobbing in

the dirt. I could tell she wanted to go to her, but she was scared.

“Edward, what the hell is going on?” Jasper asked.

I laughed, short and hard, and started to unbutton my shirt.

I would show them exactly what was going on.

I shrugged out of the shirt and let it fall to the ground. Their stares went from confusion to horror.

“This is from a hairbrush,” I said, pointing to a bruise just under my collarbone. “This is from the
remote control,” I continued, pointing out another welt. I dipped my shoulder down. “These were

done by her hands,” I said, my voice getting louder as I gestured to the deep, crusting scratches
on my shoulder. “This is where she hit me with a glass,” I said, brushing a purple mark on my

chest. “She was going for my head, but she‟s always had bad aim,” I sneered.

I looked down at all of the marks and scratches… There were simply too many to go through.

I shook my head and held up the cast.

“Not a car door,” I said flatly. “Call the fucking police.”

I didn‟t meet any of their eyes. I couldn‟t, I was afraid of what I might see.

“Edward?” It was Alice who spoke in a small, scared voice.

“What?” I sighed, looking up to the grey sky, letting the rain pelt down on my face and run into my

eyes.

“Are you… are you okay?”

“No.”

She flung herself at me, and her arms wrapped tightly around me, and without even thinking about

it, I clutched onto her tiny body and held her to me as if she was going to save me.

There were a million questions to answer and surely hell to go through, but right then, the only

thing that mattered was that I wasn‟t alone anymore.

I was vaguely aware of Jasper picking Bella up off the ground behind us, but I didn‟t move to go to

her - someone else could take care of her for once.

“Emmett,” Bella yelped, and I crushed Alice tighter to me.

“I am so sorry! I can‟t… Oh, God, no, no, Emmett…”

Emmett took a step back and put his arm out, shielding Rosalie.

I couldn‟t blame him.

I let go of Alice and grabbed Bella‟s hand, turning her to face me.

I stared at her and fished in my pocket, producing my cell phone.

I dialed Charlie‟s station and put the phone to my ear, then let my casted hand rest lightly on

Bella‟s cheek.

I kept my gaze on her scared, watery eyes.

Someone answered with the usual, hard police greeting.

“I need to report an assault,” I said to the stranger on the phone, then I pressed my lips to her

forehead and let my burning eyes close.

Chapter 5.

Rosalie and Emmett didn‟t wait around for Charlie. Rose insisted on driving Emmett to the hospital

right away… She was scared, angry and hurt.

The cop on the phone let me speak to Charlie briefly when I dropped Bella‟s name, just as I knew

he would.

What you have to understand about my decision to call the police is this. If I didn‟t call that

second, in the midst of that horrific situation, I wouldn‟t have called at all.

I would‟ve found an excuse, just like I did with the baseball game, just like I had been for the past

two months.

If I would‟ve chosen to just drive her to the hospital, my sick mind would have found a way out. I
just knew that I would look at her, sad and scared, and I‟d break… But when I saw Emmett, hurt

and confused for no reason, when I saw her attack him with such ferocity, I had to stop it.

I simply had to break the cycle and I knew once Charlie was involved, there‟d be no going back. It
would be out of my indecisive hands, and at the time, I was so wracked with guilt about Emmett
and so tired and so frightened for her, I thought that‟s what I wanted.

I was wrong.

-

I wrapped my arms around her shuddering body, and we waited.

For it to end… For it to begin… I wasn‟t really sure.

Alice and Jasper were there; they didn‟t ask questions just then, and I was grateful.

Alice used her wet sleeve to wipe Bella‟s dirt crusted tears and told her over and over that it was
okay, that whatever the problem was, it was all okay. She was filling my role from two months ago

quite nicely.

Charlie‟s cruiser tore right into the field, but there were no lights, no sirens, and he was alone.

I held Bella closer to me, probably too tight, and swallowed hard, making my raw throat ache.

Here it was.

The culmination of hell.

The day I desperately wanted and desperately dreaded.

Everything was about to change… and for the life of me, I could not make myself let her go.

I heard Charlie‟s door slam and I pried my eyes open to look at him over the top of Bella‟s head.

The first thing I noticed was that his face was twisted in rage.

The second thing I noticed was he wasn‟t wearing his badge or his gun. He was here unofficially.

“You son of a bitch!” he shouted, barreling towards us. “Get your damn hands off of her!”

Jesus!

I don‟t know why I was surprised. Anyone would draw the same conclusion.

I thought I‟d been clear on the phone, still the only words Charlie heard were „assault‟, „Bella‟ and

„I‟.

Jasper sprang out in front of Charlie.

“Charlie, it‟s not -”

“If you defend that bastard, you‟re gonna be right next to him in a cell. Move,” Charlie growled,

shoving Jasper.

“Charlie,” I said, releasing Bella and turning to him, “it‟s not like that.”

Charlie paused and looked at me, still shirtless, everything exposed.

He rushed to Bella and cupped her face.

“You fought back… Thank God, you fought back,” he said, then pulled her into him.

He assumed my wounds were proof of her defending herself.

“Dad?” Her voice was weak and muffled into his chest.

I wanted to cry for her.

“Edward didn‟t hurt me. I‟ve been hurting him.”

For a second, I thought he might laugh, then he looked down at his daughter and saw her broken,

fearful expression.

“Somebody tell me what the hell is going on,” he said, his voice low.

So I did.

I told him what I was certain of, the facts, and that wasn‟t much.

As I was talking, saying it all out loud for the first time, I realized how awful I had been to keep

this quiet for so long.

Alice, Jasper and Charlie listened with horrified stares, while Bella looked on shamefully.

She shouldn‟t have.

It wasn‟t her fault, it was mine.

I took a deep breath and apologized to all of them, but to Bella most of all.

“What were you thinking?” Charlie stormed, after being eerily quiet.

“I don‟t know,” I answered truthfully. “It‟s not… It wasn‟t really a decision at all. It just…

snowballed, and we were… stuck.”

It was pathetic, but it was the truth.

Charlie flinched in anger at my answer. It wasn‟t good enough, and I knew it.

“You‟re supposed to love her, protect her…”

He didn‟t trust me with her, and I didn‟t blame him.

“Dad, it wasn‟t his fault. You don‟t understand -”

“It‟s okay, Bella,” I said, keeping my eyes on hers. The last thing I needed was for her to get
worked up now. “Charlie, I want to talk to my father. He‟ll have some kind of insight, I‟m sure. She

needs help.”

“Now?! Now you decide this -”

“I know!” I shouted, letting my self-hatred flare out at him. “I know, okay? I get it! I fucked it all

up -”

I cut myself off and took a deep breath. I had to stay calm for her. “Look, Charlie. I can figure this

out. I can and I will. Just -”

“You‟ve done a great job so far,” Charlie spat. “I‟ll take care of it from here.”

“You can‟t do it on your own. Listen, my father is Chief of Staff at the hospital, you know that. He

loves her like a daughter. He‟ll make her first priority, she‟ll get the best of everything, Charlie.”

Charlie considered this and slowly nodded his head.

Though he hated it, I was right.

“You go to your father immediately, tell him all of this, then you call me -”

“Woah, wait. You need to take her to the hospital…”

“I‟m going to spend some time with my daughter…”

He wasn‟t getting it.

“Charlie, you‟re really underestimating the severity of the situation here,” I said.

“Me? I am?! You‟ve got nerve, son. You hide this for months, months, and then you want to start

calling the shots…”

I tuned him out.

I didn‟t need to hear what I already knew.

My eyes fell on Bella, while Charlie ranted. Alice had her arms around her shoulders, and Bella
looked exhausted. She‟d sleep soon; we‟d been up all night, and these episodes always wore her

out.

Truthfully, I didn‟t want her to hear what my father might say anyway. Whatever it was, I‟d find a
way to explain it to her in the most non-frightening way possible… I couldn‟t stand to see her more

scared and confused than she already was.

I was vaguely aware that Charlie stopped talking, and I went to Bella.

I took her hand and led her away from Alice, until we were out of earshot from everyone.

“Do you want to go with your dad? Just for a few hours?” I asked carefully. For the past two
months, she refused to see anyone without me by her side… but now that everyone knew, I wasn‟t

sure how she‟d feel.

“I‟ll be fine. You go. Figure me out,” she said, trying to smile.

“It won‟t be long, I promise.”

“Edward, go,” she kind of half laughed and half sobbed; there were tears coming from the corners

of her eyes still.

I bent my head to kiss her, and her hands softly stroked my face.

“Edward?” she asked, pulling away much too soon.

“Hmm?”

“Do you… do you think Emmett will forgive me?”

“Yes,” I answered quickly and truthfully.

She nodded and wiped her eyes.

“Do you think that, um… do you think I‟ll ever be…” Her voice cracked, and she let it trail off.

“I think that me and you will be just fine. Better than fine,” I said, running a finger over her

trembling lip.

“Me and you,” she repeated.

“Yeah, me and you,” I whispered.

She put her arms around my waist and rested her head on me. I fought the urge to pick her up
and run away from all of this… again.

“Will you bring me to Charlie‟s? I know it‟s stupid and kind of… I just really want to be next to you
right now…”

“Bella, of course I will,” I said.

I knew exactly how she was feeling.

Somehow, in the middle of this violent dream, we had become completely codependent. We‟d
trapped each other in this, so the only people we could relate to, the only people who could

possibly understand us… was us.

We had been bonded together in violence and fear, and I could only hope that if this all came to an
end, all of the wonderful things about us would remain intact… That our lives wouldn‟t forever be

overshadowed by this… thing.

Charlie was less than thrilled about the riding situation, but he relented, probably to have a minute

to take it all in.

Alice and Jasper went to go see Emmett and to explain what they knew, what I‟d told them.

Bella fell asleep in the car, and I kept stealing glances at her. She looked so small and delicate, as
she slept close to the window, and my mind couldn‟t wrap around the fact that she just took a

baseball bat to my brother.

I let my mind wander to the surreal events of the day. It all seemed so dreamlike still, not like my

life at all.

When we got to Charlie‟s, I carefully lifted Bella from the car and cradled her to me, while she
slept. Charlie opened the door and silently stepped aside, so I could carry her upstairs to her

childhood bedroom.

I laid her down on the bed and grabbed a quilt to cover her with, then swept the hair from her face

and let my fingers brush over the dark circles under her eyes.

This was killing her.

I straightened up and stretched my back, then let myself take in the room that was so familiar to
me, so much a part of my history.

The sun started to peak through the clouds, so I drew the curtains on the window, the same
window I entered and exited freely through all throughout my teen years.

I placed a flat palm of the foot of the bed that we made love on for the first time, years ago when

we were young and awkward and foolishly under the impression that life would always be perfect.

On her shelves were framed pictures, tons of pictures, all of which I knew so well.

There was one of the six of us, soaking wet, post baseball game… It was taken in the tenth grade.

I could still remember the day vividly.

There was one of Bella, Alice and Rosalie, taken after graduation - I took that one myself.

The next one was of me, alone, asleep on her bed at the age of seventeen… when I used to sleep

peacefully in her presence.

Prom, spring break, Christmas, and in not one of those photos was a single, miniscule hint of what

was to come.

In all of those memories I couldn‟t recall a single time where she‟d acted violently or even

irrationally.

Something bought this on.

Now that my mind was open to it, now that it was out there, it seemed so obvious.

I pulled out my phone and dialed my father.

“It‟s about time,” was his curt greeting.

“What?”

“Well, I just wrote my other son a prescription for pain medication. He has a broken rib. What the
hell is going on, Edward?” he asked. His voice was steady and calm; after years in his profession
and raising Emmett, nothing shocked my father, and for that, I was glad. I was tired of the

horrified stares.

“Can you meet me at my house?” I asked.

Unlike my father, my mother was prone to overreaction, and I just couldn‟t deal with her right
now.

“I‟m on my way,” my father said.

I kissed Bella‟s lips softly and left.

“I‟ll be back,” I told Charlie when I passed him on the way out.

He grunted something.

“Charlie, if she‟s… mad when she wakes up, just be careful. It can be scary and it‟s -”

“I think I can handle it,” Charlie sneered.

He still wasn‟t getting it.

I left quickly, the sooner I was gone, the sooner I‟d be back. Hopefully, she‟d sleep the entire time.

-

“I heard about that,” my father said, gesturing to my cast.

I couldn‟t read his tone. Suspicion? Disappointment? Concern? All three?

I shook it off and dove right in.

“She slammed it in a drawer. Repeatedly.”

Carlisle‟s lips pursed, and he nodded his head.

“What else?” he asked, pulling out a kitchen chair. He sat, while I paced slowly, rattling off her

record.

Carlisle‟s expression never wavered, not even a slight wince.

“Have you noticed a pattern?” he asked.

“None.”

He asked a few more questions - the same questions I would‟ve asked in his position - then he

abruptly cut off, suddenly frustrated.

“Edward, you know all of this.”

I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes.

He sighed.

“She needs an MRI,” he continued, calm again, his voice quiet, telling me what I already knew.
“Now. Don‟t wait. I‟ll call up there, so you can get her in right away. Don‟t mess around in the ER…
I‟d like to see her myself, if she‟s comfortable with that. Skip admittance - they‟ll ask questions and
send her straight to the psych ward, then she‟ll be on the bottom of the list and she‟ll have to wait

to be treated -”

“I know,” I said, because I did.

“Edward?”

“What?”

“Have you prepared yourself for the possibilities here?”

“No,” I said, because I hadn‟t. I hadn‟t once let my mind think of all the horrific things it could be. I

knew that was dangerous and selfish and wrong… but still, even now, I couldn‟t.

My father didn‟t get that and spoke anyway.

“There‟s a strong possibility of a brain tumor -”

“It‟s not that,” I said, suddenly sure, now that he was forcing me out of my two month fog.
“There‟s no balance issues, no speech problems -”

“It‟s still a possibility,” my father cut in. “As is a chemical imbalance or -”

“A head injury,” I blurted out, without even realizing it was coming, without even knowing I

already knew.

Suddenly, a part of me that had been closed for months came rushing back, in a painful, blinding

rush.

My fists came down hard on the table, and my father cocked his head, puzzled.

Fuck.

Stupid.

Fuck.

“The fucking windows!” I shouted at my father, though he had no idea what I was talking about.

My hands tore through my hair, the cast scraping and pulling in anger?

Relief?

Disgust.

My father closed his eyes when he spoke… He simply could not look at me.

“She had an accident.”

“Yeah. Yes. Jesus. She hit her head, grade two -”

“What the hell were you thinking?!” He finally lost his cool, because I was supposed to know better,

and he knew it.

“I wasn‟t… I just -”

“Edward, that‟s basic, God-”

“Look at me!” I yelled, shoving my cast in his face. “I‟m lucky I can remember how to take a piss!

You just… You have no idea -”

“You‟re right. None. Because you acted foolishly.”

His truth hit me like a slap in the face.

“I know that!”

“Do you? Do you realize the full extent of -”

“Nobody knows the damage better than me,” I said, my heart pounding and my chest heaving.

“Edward -”

“Oh, God,” I choked out, before my throat constricted, and my stomach heaved.

I ran for the kitchen sink, where I threw up and gagged out, until my entire body ached.

My actions made me physically ill.

I was disgusting.

My forearms rested on the counter, and I let my head fall onto them, breathing hard and sweating.

I felt my father‟s hand on my back.

“I‟m sorry,” he said.

“Don‟t be.”

“Sometimes it‟s very hard for me to separate my work from my life.”

“No shit,” I mumbled. I couldn‟t help it, the man was beyond clinical.

He let it slide.

“It‟s actually quite common for people in the medical profession to overlook or repress what they
know when they fear for a loved one or for themselves… It happens. The reason probably being

that we do know more. We know all of the possibilities, so it‟s simply scarier to deal -”

“That‟s bullshit,” I sighed.

“It‟s not, though.”

“For me, it is. It‟s a pathetic excuse for everything I didn‟t do.”

“When Emmett was five months old, he screamed for two days straight. Your mother was beyond
worried, convinced something was wrong. I wrote it off as teething or colic… or something. You
know Esme, she overreacts. I told her he was fine, despite how hard his stomach felt… despite all
of the signs. I just couldn‟t… Anyway, he had a bowel obstruction. He bled out. Another two hours…
It happens. It happened to me.”

I didn‟t move.

“It‟s been bad for you, hasn‟t it?” he asked and he didn‟t sound like a doctor, he sounded like my

father.

I sucked in a shaky breath.

“Can you please just… call now? I just… I just want to go get her.”

“I‟ll meet you up there,” he said and patted my back twice before he left.

I straightened myself up and walked up the stairs to change my clothes and brush my teeth.

Everything was slow, quiet, and I couldn‟t seem to go faster.

I opened Bella‟s drawers and grabbed some clothes for her; she hadn‟t changed since the baseball

game, when she‟d gotten wet and dirty.

On the way out of the room, I went to flick the light switch off and paused.

I stared at it.

That fucker should have been my first sign - when I flipped it on, and she whipped the ID at me.

My fist hit it repeatedly, until it cracked, and the drywall around it trickled to the floor in hard

chunks and dust.

When I was done, all that was left were some wires and a deep gash across my knuckles.

On the way back to Charlie‟s, my mind unraveled.

In the seventh grade, I got her to that nurse‟s station, and every gym period after that, she never

had to worry again, because I was right there, looking out for her.

When we were fourteen, and she got caught with cheat notes for a history exam, I covered for her

and said they were mine.

When she was sixteen and got piss drunk with Rosalie and Alice for the first time, I dutifully picked
her up from Alice‟s, snuck her into her house and held her hair back, while she puked and thought

she was dying.

When we were twenty-two, and she just finished her final paper for her philosophy course, our
computer crashed, and she lost the entire thing. Long after she wept and gave up and went to bed,
I stayed up all night, piecing it back together, using her notes the best I could. She got an A.

All of those things and countless others… The point was, I‟d never failed her before.

Ever.

But none of those things mattered.

The truth was, when it mattered the most, when she needed me more than ever, I failed her.

I failed her.

I kept her locked in that hell, because I was too afraid and too selfish to face the possibilities.
Subconsciously I kept my own mind locked down, not letting a single thing get by, because I was a

coward.

I let my hand run across the marks underneath my shirt.

I deserved them, each and every one of those wounds.

A part of me hoped she‟d be enraged and violent when I got to her, a part of me wanted her to
hurt me just then, because any physical wound she could inflict was nothing compared to what I‟d
done to her.

At Charlie‟s, I pounded on the door, until he opened it.

My eyes squeezed shut, and I opened them again, hoping it had disappeared.

Nope.

There was a purple mark, the perfect imprint of Bella‟s bite, on Charlie‟s cheek.

I‟d recognize it from anywhere.

My stomach lurched - just one more thing to repent for.

“I need to see her,” I said, when he didn‟t move.

“She‟s not here.”

Chapter 6.

“What do you mean, „she‟s not here‟?” I asked, incredulous.

“I mean, she‟s. Not. Here!” Charlie thundered, and I only just now noticed how red his eyes were.

He‟d been crying.

“Where the hell is she?” I asked, starting to panic.

“Look, Edward, you had no right to do what you did. I‟m her father, and she‟s sick. She is sick. You

should‟ve -”

I couldn‟t hear it again.

“What happened?” I asked, as a bubble of dread made its way to my chest.

“She woke up and asked when you‟d be back. I told her I didn‟t know and then I told her I didn‟t
think you were necessarily the best thing for her right now. She didn‟t like that, to say the very

least,” Charlie said, gesturing to the bite mark on his cheek.

“Charlie, where -”

“Before, I was mad at you. But now, after I saw her in action, I am livid with you. Why in the hell
did you let this go on?! She could‟ve gotten hurt! She could‟ve killed somebody! She threw a pair of

fucking scissors at my head…”

I could‟ve laughed at his inexperience. I‟d learned to get rid of all glass, sharp and heavy objects

weeks ago.

“Where is she?” I repeated, cutting him off. I couldn‟t bear the details.

“I want you to stay away from her. We don‟t need your -”

“You‟ve got to be kidding me, Charlie.”

“Do I look like I‟m kidding?”

He couldn‟t just cut me out. She was my life. I was hers.

“You can‟t -”

“I can. I‟m her closest living relative. You‟re her boyfriend. I call the shots now.”

It felt like he punched me in the stomach… because he was right.

“Where. Is. She?”

“She‟s at a facility that‟s actually going to help her.”

My fists rubbed at my eyes, and I tried to steady my breathing.

No.

Oh, no.

No. No. No.

“Where? Which one?”

“She doesn‟t want to see you.”

Arrogant as I was, I found that very hard to believe; it showed on my face.

“It‟s true,” he said.

“I don‟t know what you told her, Charlie, and right now, I don‟t care. She‟s not crazy, she doesn‟t

belong in there. Get her out.”

“We talked about it. She wanted to go. She checked herself in. She didn‟t want you to be there.”

A low sound came from my chest, when I thought of her, making that decision, actually doing it…

and I knew why she did it.

She did it to protect me… after I failed so miserably at protecting her.

I hated myself even more.

“You‟re not listening Charlie. I know what it is. Three months ago, she hit her head. She had a
concussion -” I cut myself off. Getting into the medical details right now would only waste time.

“Look, she‟s not -”

“She had an accident? Exactly what else have you been hiding? Dammit, you are just -”

“Listen to me! I can get her help…”

“She is getting help. They‟re going to run tests and -”

“And in the meantime, she sits in there and rots. She doesn‟t have to. I -”

“I don‟t trust you.”

I stopped and closed my eyes. My head nodded.

Why should he trust me?

I was wasting my time here; Bella had inherited her stubbornness from her father, he wasn‟t going

to budge.

He simply would not trust a damn word that came out of my mouth, and I couldn‟t even bring

myself to hate him for it.

“Fine,” I said, and he thought I‟d given in.

Charlie launched into a speech about what an idiot I was and I stared past him, trying to think.

She had to be somewhere close; I hadn‟t been gone that long. If she checked herself in, she hadn‟t
signed a MPA yet, which meant she hadn‟t actually given Charlie power of attorney yet - he‟d been
bluffing… Hopefully, she hadn‟t been evaluated yet. If they found her mentally incompetent…

Charlie would automatically have the power to make medical decisions for her.

He was just wrapping up the neglectful son of a bitch speech, which suddenly struck me as ironic.
This guy, a cop no less, was in denial for years when I was sneaking into his daughter‟s bedroom at

night.

“Charlie, I need to use your phone,” I said abruptly.

He looked at me like I had three heads, but let me in anyway.

I grabbed the cordless phone from the coffee table and walked into the kitchen.

I hit the redial button on the phone.

“St. Clair-” I clicked the phone off.

Sure enough, it was a psychological rehab facility. For psychos. We had patients transferred in and

out of there all the time.

I dropped the phone on the table and tried not to scream.

This was a mess.

“Thanks, Charlie,” I said, sweeping past him and out the door.

I got in my car and closed my eyes.

Okay.

She checked herself in… They‟d hold her if they thought she was a danger to herself or anyone else
and obviously, she was. They would, however, release her to another facility or hospital… if her

doctor ordered it.

Her doctor.

Bella had a gynaecologist and some guy she saw occasionally for sinus problems.

An OB and an ENT weren‟t exactly going to be my saving grace here.

In the past couple of years, if she had an issue out of the realm of those two categories, I took

care of it. I wrote her prescriptions and I… Oh.

Yes.

Bella had always been more of an ER kind of girl - stitches, sprains - and she always got a kick out

of naming me as her doctor when asked.

This would be a piece of cake.

I dug my cell phone out and dialed the hospital, then got connected to admittance.

Please.

Please be Jessica Stanley.

It was.

“Jessica, it‟s Edward Cullen.”

“Edward! I was so sorry to hear about your hand -”

“Jessica, I‟m actually calling about work.”

“Oh. Okay. What?”

“An Isabella Swan is going to be transferred from St. Clair-”

“Isn‟t that…”

“Yes.”

There was a pause.

“Okay… go on.”

“When she gets there, I want her to go straight up to neuro and I want an MRI, immediately.”

“Okay… Edward?”

“What?”

“You could…” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “This could cost your license. You know that.”

“Thanks, Jessica,” I said, ignoring her warning.

I did know it, it just didn‟t matter.

I‟d give it all up.

I‟d give up everything to set this right.

I owed it to Bella.

I flipped my phone shut and shuffled in my glove box for my ID, while I drove.

Carlisle called my phone three times, probably wondering where the hell I was.

I didn‟t answer.

I got out of my car and took a deep breath, before walking in.

There was a young woman at the reception desk, reading a glossy magazine.

“I‟m here about a patient transfer,” I said, knowing fully well she wouldn‟t have any paperwork on
it yet.

“We don‟t have any scheduled today,” she said, not bothering to look up.

“You wouldn‟t yet. She just checked in. Isabella Swan?”

The woman finally raised her eyes to look at me.

Her round face flushed, and a smile tugged at her lips.

Too easy.

I smiled back lazily, and she scooted her chair forward, toward me.

“I, um… I don‟t have anything on that yet,” she said apologetically.

“Well, I suppose you wouldn‟t, would you?” I asked in a low voice, leaning in to her.

I tossed my ID up on the desk.

“I‟d like to see her,” I said.

“The psychiatrist hasn‟t even seen her yet. She hasn‟t been evaluated, so there‟s not really

much -”

“That‟s fine,” I said.

“Dr. Gerandy won‟t be available for another hour, but…” She clicked on the mouse in front of her a

few times. “Swan is in 108.”

It was so simple.

“An hour?” I asked, glancing at my watch.

“Yeah, she‟s a bit behind…”

“No problem,” I said.

No problem at all. I wouldn‟t be sticking around for the doctor to doctor consultation anyway.

The girl gave me quick directions to the room, and I went to get her.

And it was… easy.

I just opened the door, and there she was, sitting on a flimsy, bare bed.

I let the door shut behind me, and my hands balled into fists.

They‟d taken her shoelaces. The clip that had been holding her hair back was gone. Her eyes were
glazed, and her mouth was kind of half hanging open. Well, they certainly wasted no time passing

out the sedatives.

How had it come to this?

How had I let it come to this?

I could drop dead at her feet, and it wouldn‟t be enough to make up for this.

Her dull eyes focused on me.

“Please leave. Now.”

Chapter 7.

“I can‟t,” I said simply, when she told me to leave, and it was the truth.

Maybe I should have left.

Maybe I should‟ve walked away weeks ago; she‟d have had a better chance, but that was always

my problem, wasn‟t it?

It was the reason she sat here now.

I simply could not walk away from her.

“You should,” she whispered after a quiet moment.

“Bella, I just… can‟t.”

Her eyes swam, and her gaze shifted to my forehead.

“You can‟t… like me very much right now,” she said, her voice slow and thick. “Look at you. Look

what I‟ve done to you…”

“It was me. Listen -”

She put her small hand up slowly, and I suppose I could have kept talking, bowled right over her,

but she looked so out of control and so lost, I just couldn‟t bring myself to overpower her.

“I can‟t lay a hand on you again. It‟ll kill me. I know it will. Every time I look at you, I hate myself
more. You‟re my life. You‟re the only thing I ever loved, really loved, and I ruined you… So even

though… even though it‟ll kill me to do it, I have to let you go. Because I won‟t kill both of us.”

There was something about her sedative induced monotone voice, something about the

hopelessness in her tone that made my eyes water.

Not once in the midst of any of this had I cried.

Not when she screamed that she hated me, not when she used her nails to tear through my skin,
not when she kicked, slapped and bit, and not when she threw glasses at me, or came at me with

a scalding curling iron… Not even when I held her while she cried.

Thus far, the only thing that bought me to tears was knowing she‟d given up on me.

My eyes snapped shut, and I remembered back to that first night, when she‟d curled up against me
and clung on so tight… She was physically begging for me to help her, and I couldn‟t see that.

For those first few weeks, I was so busy justifying for her that I never just… helped.

I walked over to the bed and slid my hands under her arms and lifted her to me. Bella‟s arms

wrapped around my neck.

“I‟m sorry… I‟m sorry,” I whispered.

“Go,” she said, but her arms held me tighter.

“I‟m sorry,” I uttered again, but even as I said it, I knew full absolution would never come.

“Why do you keep saying that? Stop saying that.”

“Because. Because it‟s my fault.”

“Don‟t do that. You‟re always doing that for me. You‟re always finding a way to -”

“But I‟m not,” I said, pulling back.

I needed to look her in the eye when I said this to her.

“Hey, can you look at me?” I asked softly, when her dull gaze couldn‟t seem to find focus.

Finally, her eyes fell onto mine, but she seemed to see right through me.

What the hell did they have her on?

Didn‟t matter. I‟d say it again. I‟d say it every day for the rest of my life if I had to… though they

would be the hardest words I‟d ever speak.

How do I tell her I ruined her life?

How do I explain that I was so terrified and so confused and so hurt and so in love… that I failed

her?

“I did this to you.”

Her fingers went to my lips, but I kept talking through them.

“You hit your head, remember? When we were washing the fucking windows? You hit your head…
and, baby, that has to be it. I know it… And it‟s so obvious to me now, but it just… it wasn‟t before,
and I am so sorry. I just couldn‟t… see it. And I know it‟s been hell for you, and I know I have no
right to expect your trust now, but I‟m asking anyway… Because even if after this, if you can‟t be
with me because of what I‟ve done… I still need to get you out of this. I put you here and I‟ll be

damned if I‟m not going to get you out…”

“What?”

“Bella, there‟s no excuse for -”

“Wait. Windows?”

“You had a concussion. I think it‟s possible that that is when this started.”

“But,” she shook her head slowly, as if it were too heavy, “wasn‟t that way before…”

“Doesn‟t matter. I think it‟s probably scar tissue -”

Bella‟s heavy lids closed, and I stopped talking.

“Are you saying… there‟s a physical reason?”

“Yes.”

She was quiet.

“Jesus, have you been… Bella, none of this is your fault. Do you understand that? It‟s never been

your fault,” I said, gripping her face. “It‟s always been mine.”

“Why?” she asked, puzzled.

“Because! Because I should‟ve known. I do it for strangers everyday and then, when the single,
most important thing in my world needs me… I just… I could‟ve killed you, and -”

“S‟not your fault.”

I bent, so we were eye level.

“Do you understand what I‟m telling you?” I asked gently.

“Yes…”

“Well, then -”

“Edward… don‟t… you know? You‟ve always had a God complex.”

“What?”

She wasn‟t making any sense.

“You‟re not infallible. You‟re not God, and I know that.”

“Bella -”

“I was there too. I know what it was like. There‟s… there‟s just no way you could‟ve… There‟s just
no way. You didn‟t fail at anything, Edward. You kept me, even when I was… You held on. You

loving me is infallible. I know that.”

And she was right.

My intellect, my instincts, my temper, hell, my sanity, all failed her, but my love for her never once
did.

I breathed in deeply.

When she was lucid, she might see things differently, but I pushed that aside and kissed her slack

lips, grateful that she was near me, grateful that she didn‟t hate me like I deserved to be hated.

“You don‟t want to stay here,” I said.

She gave a short shake of her head.

“Can I… can I be helped?”

The truth was, I wasn‟t sure, but anything had to be better than this.

“We‟ll know a lot more after the MRI,” I said carefully.

Bella said nothing.

“Have you signed anything other than admittance papers?” I asked, trying to focus on what I had

to do.

“I don‟t… I don‟t know. I don‟t think so. I was… It was really bad,” she said quietly, shamefully.

I let my hand stroke her hair and tried to focus on the nagging feeling in the back of my mind.

“Is Charlie okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, but - wait. Has anyone been in here to talk to you?”

“No… they said soon… Evaluate, or -”

Yes.

Suddenly, Charlie‟s words from earlier hit me like a ton of bricks.

Just the boyfriend.

Closest living relative.

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

She made an attempt to roll her eyes, but they just kind of floated up.

“Yes.”

I took a deep breath.

“I want you to sign medical power of attorney over to me.”

I didn‟t even know if they‟d let her with no evaluation and the sedatives, but I was hedging my
bets that the idiot at the front desk was a notary.

Even if they did let her, there‟s no way it would hold up, but it would buy me time if Charlie chose
to be difficult.

The idiot at the desk would lose her job, probably along with Jessica Stanley.

I was already going to lose my medical license, and this would probably just guarantee some

prison time. I was already going to burn in hell for everything I‟d done… What‟s one more?

Nothing, if it meant helping her.

“Okay,” she said easily.

“Do you know what that means?” I asked her.

“It means if I‟m crazy, you call the shots.”

I wouldn‟t have put it quite like that, but she had the right idea.

“Just… go with whatever I say,” I told her.

“Okay.”

I tried not to show my astonishment at the level of trust she still had in me, then I led her out of

the room.

I flirted shamelessly at the front desk for about five minutes, before I asked about the MPA.

Pathetically, I prayed Bella‟s sedative would stave off any jealousy - if she got mad, I‟d never get

her out of here.

“But aren‟t you her doctor?” the desk idiot asked.

“Sure. Hey, are you a notary?” I asked quickly, trying to make her lose focus.

“Yes, you kind of have to be here, you know…”

“I figured. So could you do it, then?”

“Well, she hasn‟t even been evaluated, and -”

“Did you call about the transfer yet?” I asked, getting her on a different train of thought.

“Yep. She‟s all set.”

Thank you, Jessica Stanley.

“Good, thank you. So if we could just do the MPA here, we‟ll be all set.”

“Oh, I can‟t -”

“What‟s your name?”

“Carrie,” she said, starting to blush.

I leaned in over the desk and grinned.

“Carrie, I‟ve had a long day. The sooner I‟m done here, the sooner I can just go home…”

My eyes floated to her hand. No ring.

I was about to secure my throne right next to Satan.

“Do you have dinner plans, Carrie?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

She went crimson and smiled.

I watched her open a file drawer near the desk and pull out the MPA form.

She signed and stamped her job away, then took a yellow post-it note and scrawled her name and

number on it, then stuck it to the MPA.

I winked and grabbed it.

Bella signed her life over to me, Carrie lost her job, and I was going to prison.

I got what I wanted.

-

On the way to the hospital, I told Bella we‟d be going straight up to neurology for the MRI, then I
tried to explain exactly what I thought was going on. She said nothing, she just held onto my hand
in her lap and stared out the window.

My heart was pounding, and my stomach was twisting from everything I‟d just done… Still, I didn‟t
regret any of it.

Just as I thought, Charlie, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie were there, at the elevators,
when Bella and I stepped out.

Charlie was once again wearing his badge.

They‟d already discovered what I‟d done.

It would be an official arrest.

Fine… but it would have to wait.

Bella shut her eyes and turned to me, so her face was pressed into my side. I put my arm tightly

around her, and we walked out.

Charlie glared at me, then started reading me my rights.

I put a hand up, and Charlie kept talking.

“Will you just… just let me get her in there, Charlie? I‟m right. I‟m so right about this. As soon as

she‟s in there, I‟ll come out, and you can -”

“No.” Her voice was muffled and soft in my shirt.

“Forget it, Edward. Carlisle will -”

“Dad…” Bella began.

“Nobody‟s going to upset her,” Carlisle said, and everyone went silent.

Charlie‟s face puckered, but he knew my father was right.

Bella broke away from me and wrapped her arms around Charlie.

“I‟m sorry, dad,” she whispered.

He stared down at the top of her head and started breathing hard, as he held her tight.

“I want to see Edward when I get out,” she said.

He was silent.

I moved to lead her in, but my father put a hand on my arm.

“I can‟t let you,” he said apologetically.

I nodded, not surprised.

I‟d broken the code of ethics, probably several HIPPA laws and a few others, I‟m sure.

I didn‟t work here anymore, but I‟d gotten her here, and it would simply have to be enough.

I kissed her forehead and cupped her face.

Her hands clamped around my wrists.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and I felt like dying.

Thank you.

Then she was gone.

Emmett winced in pain as he took a seat, then glared up at me.

I turned my head.

I hadn‟t even begun to deal with that guilt yet.

I looked at Charlie.

I owed him justification.

“She didn‟t need to just sit in there,” I said quietly. “I just couldn‟t leave her there. Not when I -”

“But for two months, you could just ignore -”

“I just didn‟t see it… You should know, I had her sign over her medical power of attorney to me. I
know it won‟t hold up, but it‟s just something else to add to your list. I lied to get her out of there
and I had help. But you shouldn‟t… You should leave them alone. They were clueless, I lied to them

too. I‟ll take whatever their consequences are. They didn‟t know, so…”

“You manipulative son of a bitch,” Charlie spat, shaking his head.

I saw Alice wince out of the corner of my eye.

“I had to do it.” I shrugged, while speaking to all of them.

It was quiet while we waited.

I leaned against the wall, no one spoke to me… No one spoke at all.

At some point, Carlisle passed by and said the MRI was done, and Bella had fallen asleep.

Then we waited longer, for the report.

It felt like hours. It may have been. I couldn‟t tell.

When Bella woke up, she asked to see me, and I went to her with Charlie by my side.

I held her hand, Charlie held her other one, and then I had to let go - it felt like we were ripping

her in two.

It was quiet, until she spoke.

“Dad, I want Edward to have full power of attorney.”

“Bella, what I did was -” She cut me off.

“I know what you did. I signed it anyway. I‟ll even resign it, now that the sedation wore off. I

want -”

“Bells, let‟s not think about that right now…”

“No. What if something… I want him to have it.”

And because he didn‟t have the heart to tell her I was going to prison and would be useless

anyway, Charlie relented, and we got the paperwork from downstairs.

Bella read it, then requested the revisions I didn‟t even know she knew existed.

I stared at the revision, trying to see what she was thinking.

She had given me…everything.

She didn‟t trust Charlie.

She didn‟t trust him not to commit her somewhere against her will. She wanted to do this before

the MRI results got back, in case I was wrong. In case… she couldn‟t be helped at all.

I signed, Bella signed… and it was easily done.

Too easy.

I should‟ve seen it coming.

Soon after, Carlisle returned with Dr. Clearwater, head of neurology.

And then they told us.

“Edward, in short, was right. The concussion caused scar tissue, which has grown over time. The
scarring has distorted your brain‟s pathways. The amygdala,” Dr. Clearwater explained, lightly
touching Bella‟s forehead, “has been damaged, as has part of your prefrontal cortex. Bella, your
emotional center can‟t pick up what reactions your brain is sending. We‟re not sure why, but these
cases usually do manifest themselves in violence. Though, sudden outbursts of laughter or crying

are certainly possible too. You see -”

“I don‟t - I just want to know if it can be fixed,” she said.

“The scar tissue has grown a lot.”

I felt a pang.

Last month, it wouldn‟t have been so bad. If I would‟ve just…

I took her hand in mine and held it too tight, but she didn‟t seem to notice.

“Can it be fixed?” she asked again.

“It‟s possible. But the surgery isn‟t without risks.”

“Risks?” Charlie asked.

“Standard surgery risks, of course… However, with the extent of the scarring, it‟s -”

“Could it kill me?”

My heart stopped, and I heard a whoosh of air leave Charlie‟s lungs.

“Yes.”

“Is it probable?”

“I wouldn‟t say probable. I‟d say the risks are higher, though. Bella, this can be partially controlled

with medication…”

“Doesn‟t scar tissue just… keep growing?”

“Bella, you‟ve had an exhausting day. We‟re going to send you home and see you back here
tomorrow at seven a.m. for a full consult. Then we‟ll discuss the options, all of them, in depth,” Dr.
Clearwater said, then walked out.

Bella rested a hand on my cast and looked up at me.

“I‟m doing it.”

My eyes widened.

“No. No way. You heard him. Medication can help. You‟re tired and -”

“Edward. I‟m doing it.”

“Bells, no, you -”

“Dad.”

My eyes locked with Charlie‟s.

“I‟ll drop all of the charges if you put that MPA to good use. Don‟t let her do it.”

My stomach clenched, and Bella‟s eyes shot up to me, horrified.

“Charlie, she‟s mentally sound. I can‟t -”

“Is she, though?” he asked pointedly.

Then, because she knew what he was doing, and because it pissed her off and her sedative had
long worn off, Bella picked up the phone receiver by the side of her bed and whipped it at her

father‟s face, proving his point and putting herself at my mercy.

Chapter 8.

“Dammit!” Charlie bellowed, holding his nose.

At the same time, Bella swung her legs over the side of her bed swiftly. I immediately recognized
the irrational rage on her face and quickly and instinctively shut the door, still hanging onto the

feeling I had to keep secrets.

I leapt back over to Bella and grabbed her by the waist, right before her nails made contact with

Charlie‟s stunned face.

“Get out! Get out!” she screamed at Charlie, kicking her legs out at him.

“Shh… Shh,” I hissed in her ear, though I knew it wouldn‟t do any good.

Charlie stared over his hands cupping his nose, wide-eyed and frozen.

I hated doing it, but I put a hand over her mouth to muffle her screams. If somebody came in

here, they‟d give me hell about getting her out of here tonight.

Bella bit my hand hard.

I winced, but kept my hand in place and walked us backward, one arm around her waist, one

clapped over her shrieking mouth, and sat in the plastic chair near the bed.

Bella thrashed and bucked and tried to wriggle her way out of my hold, but by this point, I had so
much practice restraining her, I knew which moves she‟d make before she made them. It was our
routine… I could practically feel the bored, blank expression spread across my face, while Charlie

stared uncomprehendingly.

I let my eyes close, tightened my grip and waited for it to be over.

When the screams turned to cries, she twisted in my arms and grasped at my collar. I picked her
up and carried her past Charlie to the tiny bathroom. All the while, she shook with silent sobs

against my chest.

I shut the door behind us and sat Bella on the lidded toilet.

I grabbed a fistful of coarse paper towel, ran it under the cold water, then pressed it to her face.

“He… can‟t… do that… can he?” she asked.

I was surprised that was her concern right now and not the most recent attack on Charlie.

I smiled lightly down at her, hoping it would look semi-convincing.

The truth was, I was ready to throw a phone at Charlie. If Bella got worked up again, I could only

imagine what she would do next.

“Bella, don‟t worry about Charlie…”

“I-Is he okay? I hurt him again.”

I nodded slightly and noticed the usual, burning guilt in her tone wasn‟t as severe, but the

hopelessness and despair was there, practically tangible.

“Bella, we - me and you - are going to go home and discuss this without Charlie‟s ultimatum being
a factor. I knew what I was doing and I knew the consequences. Nothing has changed, even when

he gave his little offer.”

“Prison, Edward? I won‟t -”

“Bella, it‟s not -”

“You can‟t pay any more for this. You just… You can‟t. I need to think, really think about this.”

I‟d be paying for the rest of my life for this. I knew that. Prison was nothing compared to what was

going on in my own mind.

“Clean yourself up. I‟m going to talk to Charlie,” I sighed.

Bella nodded, and I walked out of the bathroom and into an empty room.

Charlie left.

Which meant he was probably talking to a doctor, repeating the entire episode.

Which meant they‟d move her up to psych.

Which meant I‟d have to get her out of there quickly.

Even with MPA, the red tape would be a nightmare if they knew she‟d just acted out violently.

I swung the bathroom door open. Bella was at the sink, splashing water on her face.

“C‟mon,” I said, yanking on the back of her shirt. “Let‟s get out of here.”

“Is Charlie…”

“He‟s gone. I don‟t know where to, but it can‟t be for release papers. Let‟s go home. Now.”

She took my hand, and we left.

Bella insisted I grab some sedatives from the hospital. I didn‟t like it, but I was in too much of a

hurry to argue, so I did. Then I told myself to tack the theft onto my ever growing list of charges.

We were silent on the way home, mulling and stewing over Charlie‟s ultimatum, which ultimately

didn‟t matter to me.

I‟d been prepared to do the time.

My issue with Charlie was the damage he was doing to Bella.

While it was true I was dead set against the surgery, I could never take her choice away.

She trusted me not to do that - that‟s why she gave me full MPA… I was the only one she could

trust not to force her to do anything she didn‟t want to.

Charlie, however, left her optionless.

He deliberately took me out of the equation when he offered to drop the charges.

Charlie knew I‟d never force her, and he knew she wouldn‟t condemn me to jail… He stole the
power from both of us.

Charlie took advantage of her love for me, he twisted it and cornered her with it.

His own daughter.

The thing is, she‟d been so helpless, and her life had been so out of control these past few months,

this decision was all she had left. Hell, even her emotions weren‟t hers to control anymore.

Charlie had taken her last shred of independence and dignity, and destroyed it.

I was starting to hate him.

Halfway home, I noticed Bella fumbling with the bottle of tranquilizers.

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye.

“Don‟t give me shit. I just… want to go home and not hurt. You or me. And I can‟t… Every time I

think about him, I feel like -”

“It‟s okay,” I conceded, for two reasons.

Most importantly, it was all she had left to control… I wouldn‟t take that from her.

Then I promised myself I‟d monitor her with those pills and I would. Because if she didn‟t have the

surgery, this would be the rest of our lives anyway. I needed the practice.

When we pulled up to our home, there was an unfamiliar car parked in front of our house… with

Florida license plates.

Bella and I glanced at each other.

“Renee,” we said in unison.

I briefly considered passing our house, then cut the engine.

I‟d have to atone to her sooner or later anyway.

I didn‟t want to know how she got in the house, but I had a feeling Carlisle had something to do

with it.

Bella and I clasped hands, bracing ourselves, before we walked through the door.

There was Renee, in all of her eccentric glory, sitting on our couch, fuming.

“What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On?” she asked, standing up.

“Mom,” Bella uttered, and then she was crying.

Renee held her arms out, and Bella let herself be folded into her mother.

Renee eyed me over the top of Bella‟s head.

“I‟m sorry,” I said genuinely.

I was sorry I hadn‟t contacted Renee. The sad truth was, this was the first time I even thought of
her throughout this whole ordeal.

Bella and Renee talked maybe once a month, and Renee was never exactly Take Charge Mother Of
the Year.

In fact, she dodged responsibility, which is why her name didn‟t exactly pop into my mind for help
when this all began, but still, she was Bella‟s mother and just like her father, she deserved to

know.

“Your father called me,” Renee said, still looking at me.

I nodded.

“Edward… I wish I could say I blamed you. I‟m mad as hell, but I‟m not sure at who… Maybe

myself. How does a mother not know when…” she trailed off quietly.

I let my body collapse on the couch and my hands press into my eyes.

Then I told Renee all of it, starting with the windows and ending with Charlie‟s ultimatum.

My explanation was sprinkled with apologies, for not knowing, for not acting sooner.

Renee‟s face would twist, her eyebrows would furrow, but she listened in silence, occasionally

pressing her lips to Bella‟s hair.

When I finally finished, my throat was raw and gritty, and I was suddenly very tired. My fingers
raked through my hair, and I looked up at Renee, waiting for her reaction.

“My girl…” Renee choked out in a thick voice.

She hugged Bella closer and shook her head, trying to make sense of this.

I hoped she‟d clue me in if she did.

“Well,” Renee said, abruptly releasing Bella and cupping her face, “you‟ve always had a better head
on your shoulders than me. You‟ll make the right decision as far as the… operation goes. I can‟t… I
can‟t say you should do it, though. It goes against every motherly instinct I have, but then again,

motherly instinct was never my strong suit. You‟ve always known best.”

“Renee -”

“Edward. You‟ve looked after my daughter for… longer than I have. Since you were kids. If you
would‟ve known - look, I trust you. I trust that you thought you were doing the right thing, and I
can‟t say I would‟ve acted differently in your shoes. You love her, I know that. I know you‟d do

anything in your power to -”

Renee got cut off, when our front door burst open, and a bruised faced Charlie stood thundering in

the entrance.

He ripped his murderous glare from my blank one, and his eyes met with Renee‟s.

She was furious.

“Renee…”

“You!” Renee spat. Her hands flew to her hips, as she approached Charlie. “Emotional blackmail,

Charlie? Well, at least you‟re consistent. Some things never change.”

“Renee, you have no idea what you‟re talking about…”

“Oh? You didn‟t offer them a hideous ultimatum? Charlie, you cornered her! You are using Edward‟s
freedom and our daughter’s emotional well being to get what you want. Look at you, trying to
control the most important decision of her life! Her life!”

“Exactly! Do you think we should just leave that decision unchallenged? I could lose her -”

“I think you already did, Charlie. You‟re making the same mistakes all over again. You‟re bullying
emotions, and if I did anything right with Bella at all, she‟ll follow in my footsteps and get the hell

out of -”

“She‟s nothing like you, Renee. She doesn‟t just take off when things get -”

“Wrong. She‟s got my independence. Bella won‟t be afraid to stand up to your manipulation.”

“You want this for her?! This could kill -”

“I don‟t know what the right thing is, Charlie! But I know I‟d never force her into making the
biggest decision of her life. I know she‟s not a child, and I know she‟s not crazy… I know she‟s

capable of making up her own mind.”

Charlie started to shout back, and I watched Bella from the corner of my eye.

She was biting her lip, shrinking back - this was like the year of the divorce all over again. Her fists

balled up, and her lips pressed into a tight, white line; she was getting agitated. As was I.

Charlie and Renee were starting their same, old arguments, and it wasn‟t good for any of us.

So I did what I‟d done so many years ago, so many times, when they‟d start this in front of her.

I grabbed her hand and slipped us quietly out of the room and through the backdoor.

They didn‟t even notice.

We hopped in the car and slammed the doors.

“Thank you,” Bella said, grabbing for my hand.

I nodded and threw the car in reverse.

I drove to the only place I could think to go… The baseball field.

When Bella figured out where we were headed, the corners of her mouth twitched, and I couldn‟t

tell if she was glad or upset.

Hours ago, this place had been hell, but before that, it had been our own, personal playground.
The haven where our friends and us spent countless childhood and adult hours laughing, playing,
arguing, teasing, kissing… I was briefly curious about how I would feel when the two worlds
crashed together in that field… When the good memories would clash with the bad.

-

Bella and I sat Indian style across from each other in the center of our makeshift baseball diamond,

the glow of the Volvo‟s headlights washing over us for light.

Our hands were tangled together in the middle of us. I took a deep breath and stated my case.

“I don‟t want you to do it. And not because of Charlie‟s offer, but because I can‟t risk you. I figure
I‟ll be… gone… a year, tops. I can‟t even - God, it kills me to think of leaving you for that long,

but… it‟s better than the risk.”

Everything was suddenly surreal. How were we sitting here, debating prison or death?

How?

“Prison,” was all she whispered.

“I know. But I knew what I was doing and I never expected an out in the first place. I still don‟t
consider prison a factor in this decision. I knew all along what the consequences would be, and I

did it anyway.”

“I don‟t have an option,” Bella said, bringing our intertwined fingers to her lips.

“Of course you do. Bella, I don‟t want you to do it, but I would never legally force you not to. And

the prison thing is nothing. It‟s not in this. Wipe it from your mind, because -”

She cut me off with an incredulous look.

“Like I could ever do that. I can‟t just forget that your life is in my hands too, now.”

“It‟s not. I made those decisions on my own and, Bella, I don‟t regret any of them.”

“Doesn‟t matter. That‟s not what I meant by no options anyway.”

“What?”

“There‟s only one way to keep us safe. Together.”

“Bella, we‟re together no matter what.”

She shook her head.

I raised my eyebrows and nodded back at her.

“No, Edward, we‟re not.”

“What are you doing?” I sighed, trying to keep my panic at bay.

“I won‟t stay without the surgery.”

“What?”

“I won‟t be with you if I don‟t have the surgery. I won‟t be with Charlie or Alice or Rose, or any of
you.”

“Oh?” I spat, getting agitated, already knowing what this was about.

“No. I won‟t. I won‟t hurt people for the rest of my life. I won‟t terrorize people, Edward. I saw
Alice earlier; she was afraid of me. I can‟t live like that, and you can‟t either. You can‟t be abused
for the rest of your life. I won‟t do it to you. I won‟t sentence you to that kind of life. It‟s bad

enough I‟m sending you to prison. But… by the time you get out, I‟ll be better and -”

“Bella, there‟s medication…”

“Right. I‟m on that route now. I‟ll take sedatives for the rest of my life and what? Be your zombie
wife? We can‟t do that. I won‟t live like that - like a shell of myself. I can‟t even feel myself really…

and you know it, Edward. I wouldn‟t be the same…”

“You would. And you‟d be here with me.”

“No. No, it would be… sad… empty. It just wouldn‟t be us.”

“You‟re being -”

“Myself. I‟m making this decision, because, Edward, any other way and we lose each other. Don‟t
you see? There are no options. If I don‟t have the operation, I leave. If something goes wrong, and

I don‟t make it -”

“Stop,” I said, too harsh, but I just couldn‟t hear it.

She continued.

“If I don‟t make it through, we‟re still not together. Either way, we lose each other. The only thing

that keeps us together is a successful surgery. I‟m doing it to keep us.”

My teeth ground together.

“You could just not have the surgery and stay,” I growled through gritted teeth.

Her eyes narrowed.

“Would you do that to me? What if the situation were reversed? Would you risk being my abuser?”

“It‟s not the same thing,” I said, my voice low, and I hoped she couldn‟t hear the hypocrisy there…,

because if it was me hurting her, I‟d run like hell.

“Yes, it is. I could do just as much damage to you. Do you think I haven‟t noticed that you can‟t
even sleep anymore? You‟re afraid for your life and you have every reason to be. Because of me.
Do you know what that does to me? To know that I‟m the reason your life is ruined? The reason
you hurt and panic and lie… and, God, you never even considered leaving me. You‟re too good for
this. I just want to be good for you too. I won‟t have it any other way.”

“Bella, please…”

“So we give up one year. And again, it‟s your sacrifice, and I hate myself for that, but it‟s the only

way. I‟m doing it.”

And then I could see I lost.

Her mind was made up, and all the yelling and shouting and desperation and ultimatums in the

world wouldn‟t help.

So instead of arguing, I decided to use my borrowed time to say goodbye, because if this didn‟t

work - if the odds were stacked against us - I wouldn‟t get another chance.

I leaned into Bella and softly pressed my lips to hers, slow and warm, telling her it was… okay.

Telling her that, inconceivably so, somehow, I understood and supported her decision.

I was telling her that I could not live without her, so she should go, do what she must to save us

both.

But mostly, my kiss was saying goodbye, because right then, I felt no hope. All I could feel were
doomed options and dark… No light way out.

Being the selfish bastard that I am, I pulled her onto my lap, dragging her further into my spiraling
despair.

Bella‟s hands pulled at the hair at the back of my neck, and her lips parted. Her tongue ran along
my upper lip, and then she loosened her grip on me and pulled back to look me in the eyes.

“I want you to make love to me. Here. Now. And I want… I want you to see me, to look at me…

because it could be the last -”

“Don‟t.”

“Listen. I need to see you. I want to feel you and nothing else, just for a little while. I need it.”

That shame shocked through me again.

She carried that awful night around in her mind, just like I did, but for her it was worse. She‟d
done nothing wrong when I used her that night. She‟d been injured, and I treated her lower than

dirt.

Now, here she was, begging me to look at her while we made love, something so basic and natural

and instinctive and necessary - something I‟d denied her before.

I‟d never felt more disgusted.

I didn‟t even deserve to touch her… but I would.

How could I not?

“Isabella. I couldn‟t take my eyes from you if my life depended on it,” I said truthfully.

She lifted her arms above her head, and I slid her shirt up and off.

Bella sort of smiled and leaned into me, resting her chin on my shoulder. My hands traveled up the

smooth skin of her sides and around to her back, where I unclasped her bra.

My hands went to her shoulders, my fingertips memorizing the feel of her soft skin, burning it into
my memory. I slid the straps of the bra down off each shoulder, then I pulled back, so she sat

straight, straddling my lap.

Our eyes met, and I saw hers were brimming with tears.

I gave a slight smile, then brushed my lips to hers, before I ducked my head and kissed my way

down to her breasts.

I took my time, circling her nipple with light kisses, before I let my tongue taste her skin, so

familiar and so shockingly good at the same time.

Her hand pressed into the back of my neck; she wanted more.

I softly bit down and caught her nipple between my teeth, then let my tongue flick across her.

She moaned out, low and long, and her fingers slipped to the buttons on my shirt.

Bella deftly worked her way down, until I felt her push the shirt from my shoulders. I released her
breast to shrug out of my shirt and as soon as I did, she pushed me back gently, and I let her, so

my bare back was pressed into the dry, warm dirt.

A warm tear fell from her cheek to my skin, and I raised a hand to trace her jaw, the outline of her

full lips, memorizing again.

Bella‟s hands went to my belt buckle, then to the button on my jeans.

Suddenly, my need for her was urgent and painful and desperate.

I needed us to connect, to be one whole physically… I knew once I was deep inside of her, I‟d

briefly get reprieve… While we were connected, I would forget about the inevitable separation.

Bella leapt up suddenly, and I growled out at her.

She ignored me and stripped her jeans and underwear off in a truly Bella, non-graceful way. I

watched in rueful amusement, not sure if I was going to laugh or cry… God, I would miss her.

Instead of either, I slipped my own pants off, then reached up to her.

Bella‟s pale skin was glowing dimly in the car headlights, her hair was hanging in a wild, beautiful

mess down her back, and her dark eyes were full of tears that had yet to fall.

“Come here,” I said, half sitting up.

She took two steps toward me and placed a foot on either side of my waist.

I grabbed my cock, which was already thick and solid against my stomach.

I wrapped a hand around myself and looked up at Bella, who dropped to her knees and then onto

me.

She was hot and tight… Barely damp, probably not physically ready, but we couldn‟t hold off the

need anymore.

“Oh,” she breathed, her hips wriggling, adjusting both of us.

A low noise came from my throat at the sensations her movements were causing… It would be

impossible not to have her for a year.

I grabbed her chin and jaw with one hand and forced her to look down at me.

When our gazes met, she let out sort of a half moan and half sob. Her expression was the perfect

mix of physical pleasure and emotional pain.

I wanted to erase the pain. I knew we‟d never escape the desperation here, but the pain… We

needed the relief, if only for a few moments, and that I could do.

My hands gripped her hips, I kept my eyes locked on hers and worked her in to a quick rhythm.

Instantly, I felt her wet arousal seep around me, and her hips started to roll on their own, without
me guiding her.

I let go of her hips and grasped her tits tightly.

“Yeah… Yes…” she hissed eagerly, and I noticed the tears were gone.

A victorious smirk spread on my lips, and she smiled down at me.

“Bella,” I said, because just then, she was the only thing I could think.

With my dick still buried deep inside of her, she fell forward and put her open mouth on mine.

My mouth drew hers in harder, our tongues met and danced wildly, then too soon, her mouth was

elsewhere… Wet and hot against my jaw, my neck… then my ear.

“I love you…” she panted, still sliding up and down on my cock.

“No matter what,” I said back. “Forever… No matter what.”

Sweat had made our skin slick, and our chests glided together easily, slippery and sticky at the
same time… until she sat up.

I took a second to take her in.

Bella‟s full breasts heaved with every heavy breath, her face was flushed and glowing, and her

eyes were roaming my body hungrily, like she‟d never see it again.

I sat up and placed a hand on the small of her back, while my other hand wedged between us.

She began to bounce up and down on my erection, hard and hungry, pushing into me for more. I

rubbed two fingers in circles on her clit and watched her eyes go wide with pleasure.

Her back arched, and my arm flexed to support her weight… Her head tossed back, and I rubbed

faster, knowing all of her signs.

Her pussy tightened around me, and the wet and the heat intensified.

I slid my hand up her back, so she‟d be upright - I wanted to watch her face when she came.

“Edward… I‟m… I want you to feel it…I‟m… coming… for you…”

Her body seized and jerked against my arm, and her eyes snapped shut.

“Look at me,” I said.

Her eyes squinted open, and she whimpered.

“Come inside of me,” she said in between jagged breaths.

My cock twitched at her demand, at the feel of her clamped, trembling walls around me, and she

said it again.

Bella‟s hips jerked violently, and I exploded into her, shooting and spilling inside, giving her a

physical part of me to absorb… to take with her.

It was oddly comforting to me… and I knew she was thinking the same.

Bella flopped forward, and her face buried between my neck and shoulder, her arms locked tightly
around my neck.

I felt her softly sucking and lapping at my flesh… then just her lips pressed in to my skin.

I shifted slightly, still trying to catch my breath.

“Not yet. Stay. Stay inside of me… just a little longer.”

My arms wrapped around her, and we clung tightly together, still connected.

We weren‟t ready to separate, to give up that whole, complete feeling.

We never would be.

“Edward?” she mumbled after a bit.

“Hmm.”

“I have to see them.”

“Bella…”

“Tonight. Now. I owe it to them. Could you call Emmett? Tell him we‟re on our way.”

Chapter 9.

“Don‟t look at me like that,” Bella said, staring ahead, while I drove us to Emmett and Rosalie‟s

house, where Jasper and Alice would be waiting for us as well.

“I need to be able to say… You know, goodbye to them… just in case. And really, in that respect, I

consider myself lucky. A lot of people never get the chance to say what -”

“Lucky?” I cut her off, incredulous. This situation was many things… Lucky was not one of them. “I

can‟t believe you just said that. We‟re talking about -”

“I know what we‟re talking about, Edward. I have to see the light where I can, so please… just

don‟t.”

She effectively silenced me.

I always knew she was stronger than me, but for the first time, it suddenly hit me like a ton of

bricks.

She was preparing to die.

I glanced at her, so here, so alive right now, in this moment, and my mind could barely wrap

around the fact that she could just… cease to exist… which was just crazy.

She was too much a part of me to not be here.

It seemed that if my heart was beating, it would only make sense that hers was too.

If she was gone, I -

As soon as a tiny fraction of that clicked in my head, my heart started to race, and my knees went

weak. I was just now digesting the reality.

The car swerved, and Bella grabbed the wheel and jerked it straight.

“Are you trying to kill us?” she gasped.

I laughed a hard deranged laugh at the irony.

And then at the possibility.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Ha.”

“I didn‟t mean the killing comment,” she whispered.

“Might as well have,” I said lightly, my mind spinning with my newfound madness.

“Edward…”

“Does it matter? I mean, the logistics of it all wouldn‟t mean much in the long run. The outcome
would be the same, probably quicker -”

“Stop it! Only one of us is allowed to be crazy, and I already called it,” she said, trying to make a
morbid joke.

I knew her tactic well.

I was scaring her.

I was scaring myself.

“You‟re injured. I‟m crazy,” I corrected her.

“I‟m attempting to fix all of that, so don‟t get us killed before I do, please.”

“Don‟t. Don‟t make this into a joke. This is -”

“The only option. So we‟re taking it. And you promise me, you promise me right now that if the

surgery doesn‟t… work out, you won‟t do anything stupid.”

“Bella -”

“I mean it. You pull it together and you go forward and find -”

“Be quiet. Don‟t say any of that.”

“No, you should know how I feel about that, so there‟s no question in your mind what I would‟ve

wanted. I would want you to try to be happy. And successful. And be in love again -”

I tuned her out then.

Didn‟t she know I couldn‟t promise the impossible?

I let her make her speech and concentrated on not vomiting.

“So promise me,” she said, wrapping up.

“I promise,” I lied.

It would ease a tiny fraction of her nerves if I just let her believe that I would try.

It was the least I could do.

-

Bella and I didn‟t bother knocking on the door; we never did.

We walked into the living room to find the four of them in silence.

Alice and Rose had been crying. It was obvious from their red, puffy eyes.

Emmett‟s huge, shirtless form was sprawled out in the couch. There was white gauze wrapped

tightly around his chest, supporting his broken rib, and he looked very tired.

Bella wordlessly walked to him, then knelt on the floor beside him.

She kissed his side, over the gauze.

“I am sorry. More than you will ever possibly know,” she whispered.

Emmett patted her head.

“Don‟t, kid. I consider it payback.”

“Payback?” she asked flatly.

“When you were twelve, and I was fourteen, remember? You fell off the handle bars of my bike and

broke your wrist? Now we‟re even.”

“That was an accident…”

“Well, ultimately, so is this.”

She shook her head in disagreement, but I could see the fight was out of her. She hadn‟t come to

argue, she came to say goodbye.

Bella rested a hand lightly on Emmett‟s bandage, and I tensed and took a step closer. If she got

upset, she could do serious damage.

I hated to have to think like that, but it was true and it was then that I knew for certain she had

made the right decision.

Bella had been right. We couldn‟t live like this. I couldn‟t tense up every time she made a kind

gesture - it degraded her, like she was some kind of untamed animal.

I walked over to them and knelt down next to her, gently taking her hand from Emmett and

holding it in my own.

She bit her lip and gave a slow nod, knowing what I was doing and why I had to do it.

Bella cleared her throat and turned, sitting on the floor, leaning her back against the couch.

I sat next to her, knowing I wasn‟t prepared for the enormity of what was going on here.

“Has Carlisle spoken to you guys recently?” Bella ventured.

“Yeah,” Alice said, slipping off of her chair to sink to the floor, across from Bella and me. “He told

us your options.”

Bella nodded, and Rose came to sit on the other side of her and linked her arm through Bella‟s.

It was Rosalie‟s apology for the slap.

“Well,” Bella continued, “it turns out I don‟t have any options.”

“What are you talking about?” Alice asked, glancing back and forth between me and Bella.

And so Bella explained.

She told them about Charlie‟s ultimatum and the decision she made. She relayed the entire
conversation we‟d just had at the baseball field, making them see it all, trying to convince their

weary faces.

“You can‟t let her do this,” Alice said to me, when Bella was through speaking.

I couldn‟t hear it from her.

“Please, Alice,” I said, my eyes closing. “It has been hell as it is…”

“He‟s not letting me do anything. My decision, Alice. And we didn‟t come here to debate this, that
subject is closed. I just wanted to… see you all. I plan on having the operation as soon as I can, so

I don‟t know if we‟ll have another chance to -”

“Jesus, Bella,” Jasper cut in, the heels of his palms pressed into his eyes. “Are you saying

goodbye?”

“Don‟t be stupid, Jasper,” Alice spat, panic in her voice.

“He‟s right,” Bella said. “But not… Look, there are just things I want you all to know, okay? Things I

should‟ve told you regardless of my situation. So just… shut up and listen.”

I pressed my lips into her temple, and she began.

“Jasper.”

Jasper‟s head snapped up, and he gave a weak smile to Bella, then crossed the room to sit in front

of her, beside Alice. He leaned over and took Bella‟s hand from mine.

“I‟ve known you longer than I‟ve known Edward… I think, God, we were together since the second

grade?”

“First,” Jasper said quietly. “Miss LeFevre‟s first grade class.”

“You‟re right! God, you‟ve got a good memory.”

“Nah. It‟s just… I was a quiet kid. You‟re the only one who spoke to me. That‟s why I remember.”

“Jasper…” Bella said, “you‟ve always kind of been the calm in our proverbial storms… I - you‟re
easily one of the best people I know and I…” She shook her head slightly, struggling for resolve,
strength. “I am honored to call you my family,” she finished strongly.

“Bella, you will be fine,” Jasper said evenly, and I noticed he squeezed her hand tighter.

“Yeah, I know,” Bella said, her voice wavering.

They kind of stared at each other for a few silent moments. Whatever was passing between them, I

could only guess.

It was only when Alice let out a soft, almost mute whimper that Jasper released Bella‟s hand and

wrapped his arms around Alice.

Bella reached a hand over her shoulder, but didn‟t turn around.

Emmett grabbed her hand from his spot on the couch and sighed.

Bella‟s eyes dropped to her lap when she spoke.

“You are my brother,” she said simply.

“I know,” Emmett said, and I watched his thumb brush back and forth across her knuckles.

“And not just because of Edward,” Bella continued.

“I know,” Emmett said again.

Bella nodded.

“Good,” she said.

And that was all they needed.

They‟ve always had a tight bond that I never really understood. Whatever it was, I knew it had

nothing to do with me or even with Rosalie… It was all their own.

“I want to talk to my girls in private,” Bella said, trying to make her voice light, like they were
going to go upstairs and dish the latest gossip. “But before I do, there‟s something I‟d like to say to

all of you as a group.”

My head snapped up to her, and she quickly glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.

“If anything should go wrong -”

“Bella -” Rose tried, but Bella put her hand up.

“Just listen. Please. If anything goes wrong… he‟s going to need all of you. I want you all to

promise me right now that you will watch out for him.”

She meant me.

“Stop that,” I said.

Bella ignored me, and Alice folded in on herself under Jaspers arms.

Rosalie stared at Bella. Her jaw dropped, and I could tell it just hit her. Just like me in the car

earlier, Rosalie just got the gut punching blow of the gravity of the situation.

“Just, please… I need to know that he will be happy again at some point,” she continued, like I
wasn‟t even sitting there. “I want you all to make sure he doesn‟t… do anything stupid… And I want

you to let him know that moving on is okay,” she said, and her voice finally broke on the last word.

I pulled her into me, just as her sobs began.

Alice stood up abruptly and yanked on Bella‟s elbow.

“Come on,” she said. “There‟s a few things I want to say to you too. Come on, Rosalie.”

Bella let herself be guided up the stairs, and Rosalie followed, her hand clapped over her mouth

and tears crawling down her cheeks.

As soon as they disappeared, the mood in the room shifted severely.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Emmett hissed.

I quickly got to my feet and turned to face him.

He winced and propped himself up on his elbows.

“You can‟t let her do it,” Jasper said. “You can legally stop this. It‟s in your control.”

I laughed.

As if any of this was in my control.

They stared at me with darkened expressions, until my laughter died down.

I threw my hands in the air.

“None of this is in my control. None of it,” I said. “Weren‟t you listening?”

“If it was Rosie -” Emmett began.

“Yeah, well, it‟s not. It‟s Bella, and you have no idea what this is like. None.”

“Stop her,” Jasper said, like it was so simple.

I practically growled at him.

“I get it. Either way, you lose her, but fuck, Edward, it would keep her alive…”

“And far away. You don‟t think she‟d go somewhere else and do it?”

“You have MPA. You can keep her here. Commit -”

“Right. How about I put her in a crazy home forever? I‟ll just lock her up against her will for the

rest of her life, and everyone will be happy. Come on. That‟s not any better than being dead…”

“Shut up, Edward,” Emmett said. “Quit being so damn -”

“Don‟t say it. You know everyone always mistakes me for being so fucking noble when it comes to
Bella, but that‟s not it. Don‟t you think that if I had any control over myself at all, I would‟ve left

weeks ago? Because I would have.”

“You don‟t mean that.”

“The hell I don‟t! I would‟ve left. It‟s been hell, but I couldn‟t. I couldn‟t control that. Bella and I
just… are. I love her more than I love myself. How do you escape that?”

“Jesus,” Jasper sighed.

“I know. I‟m fucking crazier than her at this point.” I shrugged.

“You‟ll go to jail,” Emmett said, trying a different angle.

“I know that,” I snapped.

“What about medication?” Jasper asked.

“She can‟t live like that -”

“Why?”

“A multitude of reasons, Jasper,” I said, beyond agitated.

Did they think I hadn‟t been over this a hundred times?

Looking for any way out?

“Well?”

“Fine, I‟ll point one out. Would you want her to be alone with Alice?”

Jasper flinched.

“That‟s what I thought. Do you realize that this entire time I‟ve been listening for them up there?
In case she gets upset and decides to attack one of them? It‟s degrading for her to not be trusted
to be alone with people she loves… What‟s worse is that she can’t be trusted.”

“There has to be some other way…”

“There isn‟t.”

“What if she dies?” Emmett asked bluntly.

Finally.

Someone said it out loud.

“Then it‟s over. Everything is over,” I answered stoically.

What the fuck did they want from me?

“Look, she‟s not crazy, she‟s injured. I can‟t lock her up for that. She needs help, and this is the

only way, so just… shut up. It‟s been hard enough without this.”

“Okay. Fine. Let‟s assess what we have, then,” Emmett said sharply. “Bella is going to have some

kind of life threatening Frankenstein surgery. She could die. You‟re off to prison -”

“I said, shut up.”

“You know it‟s wrong,” Emmett accused.

A roll of rage shuddered through my body.

He had no idea, no right to sit there and say that, after I had desperately and exhaustively racked
my mind for a way out of this.

“If any part of me thought for one second that any of this was wrong, I‟d stop this. I just need one
tiny, half ass reason and I‟d stop it. But there are none. Do not underestimate my selfishness,

Emmett. I‟m not that self-sacrificing.”

It was quiet, while I seethed, and Jasper and Emmett took in my words.

“Prison,” Emmett mused, his eyes far away.

I knew he was focusing on my future, because he couldn‟t bear to think of Bella‟s.

“This is going to kill Esme…”

“Yeah, well, it might kill me too,” I said flatly.

“You have options,” Emmett said.

“Right. And all of them send me straight to hell.”

“Look -” Emmett was cut off then by the sound of the girls‟ footsteps coming down the stairs.

“Don‟t upset her,” I said lowly. “I mean it. Drop it.”

“Don‟t fight,” Bella said, glancing between Emmett and me when she entered the room.

She sank to the floor and tugged on my hand.

I sat behind her and wrapped my arms tightly around her, though I wasn‟t sure why anymore.

Instinctive love?

Instinctive offensive move?

Did it matter?

They were both so necessary to my survival, so I clung to her, while our friends gathered, got

comfortable surrounding us.

Emmett carefully lowered himself from the couch onto the floor.

“Em, be careful. Your -” Rosalie began.

“I‟m fine,” Emmett said lightly, when Bella‟s eyes clouded with shame at his slow, careful

movements.

We talked about nothing in soft whispers, in a loose, makeshift circle, until the conversation picked

up naturally, flowing between the six of us easily, like it always had.

And for an amazing, God sent while, things were normal.

We stayed together that night, on the living room floor.

One by one, they nodded off, including Bella, who slept soundly in my arms.

Soon, Emmett and I were left awake, alone.

Right before his eyes fluttered shut, his gaze locked on mine.

He gave a heavy, tired sigh and a slight nod.

He understood.

I stayed awake.

Not contemplating… There was nothing left to contemplate.

I didn‟t let my mind wander to the possibilities. I was too much of a coward to let myself feel that

impact again.

I knew Bella could wake up in a rage; the day had been so stressful, there was a good possibility.

So I stayed awake, unwilling to leave everyone in the room at the mercy of the small, peaceful girl

in my arms, and I thought of nothing at all.

Chapter 10.

Bella woke up just before dawn, which was good, as we had the consultation with Dr. Clearwater at

seven a.m.

We stepped over the sleeping forms of our friends, still tangled in a heap on the floor.

Outside, the air was almost crisp, for Arizona anyway, and everything was positively still… like my

world was just waiting for change.

In the car, Bella reached over me and pulled the seatbelt over my chest, then clicked it into place.

She was making a point after last night‟s moment of madness.

“To keep you safe,” she said, patting the belt over my chest.

I said nothing.

“You didn‟t sleep,” Bella said, when I put the car in reverse.

Her voice sounded so loud, like it was breaking through the peace.

“No,” I said.

“Thank you for that,” Bella replied, staring out the passenger window.

“You should eat,” I said.

“No… no,” she kind of mumbled.

“You gotta be starving. I am and -”

“Don‟t they tell you not to eat before surgery?”

“What? Wait, it won‟t be today. Today‟s just -”

“Your dad could arrange it.”

My knuckles turned white around the steering wheel.

Not today.

Not today.

I‟m not ready today.

My stomach rolled and tensed, then plummeted like I was in freefall.

Because I was.

“Not today,” I said.

“Why?”

I didn‟t say anything, because she knew why.

After a few quiet seconds, she took a deep breath and spoke.

“We‟ll never be ready. We won‟t. But I have to do it, Edward, and I can‟t handle one more day of
this… pushing and pulling. People think they‟ll change my mind, and it just makes it harder. They
won‟t stop trying until it‟s done and… I just can‟t stand the way they all look at me. Like I‟m

making a mistake. It‟s unnerving. And Charlie, God…”

“Don‟t worry about them, Bella. Take your time to -”

“You‟re doing it too. Stop it. It‟s inevitable. I‟m doing it. Why put it off? Why put everyone in

limbo -”

“Because. Time,” I whispered. “I want more time.”

I wasn‟t ready.

“There will never be enough time, baby… You know that. And really? You want more time like this?

This is a nightmare…”

“I‟ll take whatever time I can get as long as you‟re there, Bella.”

“Don‟t you do this to me. Please. I can‟t tell you no. Don‟t… don‟t take advantage of that. This is

what I want.”

I could have.

I knew right then, without a shadow of a doubt, that I could have convinced her to wait for my
benefit.

But I‟d acted selfishly enough already, and she was right - we‟d never be ready for this.

So I shut up and drove to the hospital.

-

When we got there, I brought Bella directly up to neurology… On the way, my apologetic gaze

locked with Jessica Stanley‟s cold, questioning eyes, as we passed her desk.

Well, that was good… She hadn‟t been fired yet.

I promised myself I‟d explain and apologize. I‟d put her in the crossfire, risked her career; the least

I could do was explain.

Later.

Charlie and Renee were already there, in a small waiting cove off to the side of the hallway. They
were clutching steaming, Styrofoam cups of coffee, looking exhausted and defeated.

I briefly wondered how intense their argument got after Bella and I left.

“Are you okay?” Charlie asked Bella.

“Yeah. Yes. We just wanted to… not hear you guys argue,” Bella said.

A guilty, pained expression passed over both Charlie and Renee‟s faces.

Renee pulled Bella off to the side to hold her and whisper to her.

There were no words for me and Charlie.

He was exasperated with disgust at me for once again ducking out like a coward and bringing his

daughter along for the ride.

Didn‟t matter. I couldn‟t run from him for much longer.

“She‟s going through with it,” I said. “So…”

Charlie gave a slight nod and pursed his lips.

Before he could speak, my father walked in and came to my side.

Charlie instinctively gravitated toward Bella and Renee, and suddenly, the whole scene felt very
familiar.

When we were fifteen, we got caught making out.

Topless.

We were both dragged in separate directions for a rather uncomfortable lecture.

It was going to happen again. I could feel it.

Carlisle picked up my broken hand and surveyed the cast.

“This is disgusting,” he said.

And it was.

Not only was „douchebag‟ still glaringly obvious, the cast had gotten wet repeatedly. It was ruined

and rotting.

I only now just noticed.

“It has to be replaced. I‟ll see to it myself. Go to the lockers, take a shower and meet me in my

office,” my father ordered.

I knew I looked like shit. I felt like shit, but I didn‟t want to leave Bella. I didn‟t want to lose one

second with her and I didn‟t want Charlie to upset her.

Carlisle noted my hesitation.

“She needs to speak with her parents, Edward.”

“I know.”

“S‟fine, Edward,” Bella said. “Just don‟t… You know, go real far, okay?”

Charlie shifted impatiently.

“I‟m not going anywhere,” I said, reaching out for her hand.

Too quickly she threw herself into me and pressed her lips against mine, hard.

She was scared.

I softened the chaste kiss in an attempt to calm her down, then pulled back and smiled.

“Be right back,” I said as light as I could. Then I quickly turned, before my eyes could betray me.

On the way out, I scanned Charlie‟s face and focused on the purple bruises under his eyes, then his

swelling nose.

I gave a slight nod toward the steaming coffee in his hand, then looked at him pointedly.

“Don‟t upset her,” I whispered, eyeing the coffee.

Charlie said nothing, but I saw his hand tighten around the cup.

In the locker room, I flicked on the hot water and let it burn me. I just wanted to feel a different
kind of pain, a small change of pace.

I forced my eyes to stay open, letting hot water and shampoo burn and blind me, until some part
of me realized that was fucking pointless and crazy.

I took solace in the fact that I could recognize my actions were insane; I couldn‟t be completely
over the edge if I knew that much.

Good for me.

I flinched when I thought of Bella waiting for me and abruptly shut the water off.

I pulled on a fresh pair of scrubs and caught a glimpse of myself in the tiny, square mirror in my

locker.

I looked like hell.

There was heavy stubble shadowing my face, and my eyes were red rimmed from the shampoo,

with dark circles contrasting sickly with the red. My skin was raw and dry from the scalding water.

I ran a towel through my dripping hair and slammed the locker shut for what was probably the last

time.

I didn‟t bother knocking at Carlisle‟s office door.

I walked in and flopped in a chair in front of his desk.

He wordlessly dropped his pen and stood, then pushed the cart with the cast materials over to my

chair.

I wasn‟t surprised. Carlisle never really spoke much; he said what was necessary, and that was

pretty much it.

My father took my hand and placed it on the cart and picked up a tiny saw to cut the cast off.

He flicked it on and started.

“Isn‟t this a little below you, Mr. Chief of Staff?” I mocked dryly. “This is kid‟s stuff.”

“My kids stuff,” he answered. Then we both stared down, as he worked his way through the

plaster.

“You have to start taking care of yourself, Edward.”

“Yeah,” I said absently.

“I mean it. You look like hell. This cast looks like hell. You‟re no good to anybody if you let yourself

go, Edward. Bella is going to need -”

“I‟m going to prison,” I cut him off, because I hadn‟t even thought of all the things she would need

that I wouldn‟t be there to give her.

“Maybe,” Carlisle said evenly, completely at ease.

“She wants you to help her… To have it done as soon as possible.”

“I figured as much. I already arranged for it.”

My breath caught sharply.

Carlisle noticed, but didn‟t respond. He simply wedged the cast off, and I let everything fade away.

Numb.

Nothing.

I sat frozen - not scared, not sad, not nervous - just there, in my own anesthetic like state.

“Done,” I heard Carlisle announce.

I looked down.

A gleaming, white cast replaced the marked, graying one.

Perfect.

Now I was all better.

“It‟s the right thing. You‟re doing the right thing,” my father said, not a hint of doubt in his voice.

I didn‟t respond.

“Look at me,” he said, and I did.

“Most people are lucky enough to never have to face a decision like this. Between their freedom

and -”

“That was never the choice. Prison was never a factor.”

He smiled at me like I just won the Pulitzer.

“Just the same… It breaks my heart that this is happening to you… but I am proud, Edward.”

I gaped at him.

“You are doing the right thing,” he repeated firmly.

I ducked my head. I just wanted him to stop talking.

He didn‟t.

“I love her too, you know. She‟s like a daughter to me. If this wasn‟t right, I‟d never let you get
away with it.”

My shoulders hunched, and I felt small tremors move up my spine.

“Will it be today?” I asked in a hoarse voice.

“Yes.”

My muscles locked down.

Fine.

That meant I only had to get her through a few more hours… and then I could let go.

“I met with Dr. Clearwater this morning. We went over the procedure,” Carlisle said, glancing at his

watch. “He‟s speaking with Bella and her parents right now.”

He launched into the specifics of the surgery, explaining every last detail. I should have paid

attention, but I didn‟t.

I figured whatever outcome would come… regardless if I knew the specifics or not.

It was out of my nature to not want to know, but then again, I was going partially out of my mind

too.

Then… it was all a blur.

Things moved hazy but fast, and I just couldn‟t feel reality through the fog in my mind.

I met back with Bella and was vaguely aware of my brother and friends trickling in.

All around there were murmurs and whispers, and I suppose I was conscious of what was going on,
but somehow removed.

The entire thing was beyond surreal.

Bella held onto my hand, and I felt her nails dig into my skin… and I was glad.

Long after they wheeled her in, I would have those tiny, crescent shaped marks to stare at.

We moved from room to room, what I assume was a standard admittance room to a pre-op room.

Charlie kept asking questions, and Renee cried, and nurses came in and out, and I stood there,

letting those nails dig deeper into me.

At some point, someone came in with a DNR.

Do Not Resuscitate.

I flinched and sneered when the papers were handed to Bella.

“No,” I said, my first word in what seemed like hours. “No way. You‟re not signing that… and, as

MPA, I‟m not signing it either.”

“I… I don‟t want them to just keep me alive if I‟m not really -”

“No,” I said, taking the papers from her.

“Edward…”

I leaned over her and just now noticed she was on a gurney.

“Look,” I said quietly. “Trust me. Please. If your quality of life is… Bella, I will do the right thing by

you. I will.”

“I know.”

“Okay. No DNR. Because…” I swallowed hard and tried not to think about the words as I spoke
them, “if it comes to that… I‟d like to be able to make the call myself. If I have to let go, I need to

be there when it happens.”

Bella‟s eyes went wide, then snapped shut.

“I… I… don‟t need that,” she mumbled in a thick voice to the nurse.

Quickly I was swept back, and there was Alice, Rose, Emmett and Jasper crowding around the
gurney.

Oh.

They were saying „good luck‟. „You‟ll be great‟. „See you soon‟. „I love you‟… All through tears.

Charlie and Renee hovered over Bella next, and Renee started to shake. I stared at her, and

Charlie wrapped his arm around her.

They kissed Bella once, twice, three times.

Renee‟s knees started to give out, and a nurse whisked her and Charlie away.

Bella lay small and scared and pale in the bed… Her glossy eyes found mine, and I couldn‟t do a

damn reassuring thing for her. I could only stare.

Two people started wheeling the gurney out, and I heard her say my name.

Carlisle‟s hand was on my back, and I was following her with my father by my side.

He started talking in hushed tones, and at first, I wasn‟t even sure he was talking to me.

“Scrub up when you get up there. I‟ll let you stay in there until she goes under.”

“What?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then.”

So I did.

And there I was, in that cold, sterile room.

Carlisle was there, Dr. Clearwater and an extensive team of doctors and nurses, all bustling
around, going about their business.

The anesthesiologist stood at the head of Bella‟s bed, asking her questions.

She answered, her hand flopping around, looking for mine.

I grabbed for her and wished I could see her hair, which was hidden in the white, paper, surgical

cap.

When the questions were over, Bella looked up at me, and there was a fear so ferocious and so

primal in her eyes, it made my chest heave.

She looked like doomed, hunted prey.

This couldn‟t be right.

How could I think this was right?

“Kiss me,” she whispered, her eyes too wide.

I brushed my lips to hers, but I doubt either of us felt much of anything.

“Okay, Isabella, can you count backwards from 100 for me?” the anesthesiologist said.

My hand clamped on hers, hard as if she wouldn‟t slip away if I could just hold onto her tight

enough.

Bella didn‟t bother counting.

Her eyes were glazing over, but that fear was still there, strong and pulsing.

“I changed - wait. Whatever happens, I can‟t be without you. I can‟t. So wherever it is you think I
am, find me.”

“You‟ll be here,” I stammered.

“If I‟m not,” she said slowly, her words starting to slur, “find me.”

Her swimming eyes rolled back, and her lids fluttered shut.

“Bella. I love you,” I said to no one.

I picked up her hand and kissed her fingers, then the palm, then laid it gently at her side.

I turned and looked at a confident Dr. Clearwater.

“Just… bring her back. Do whatever you have to do to keep her breathing. I don‟t care if… Just

bring her back.”

He beamed arrogantly at me.

“I fully intend to.”

“How long?”

“Four to six hours, depending.”

With that, I shuffled out.

In the hall, my arms hung heavy at my sides, and a strange sensation passed through me.

Relief.

Bella had just let me out of my lie of a promise - I didn‟t have to try to go on without her.

She just gave me her blessing to follow her… wherever she was going.

Turns out neither of us is that self-sacrificing.

The insane part of me rejoiced.

I wouldn‟t have to be here without her, which has been my biggest fear all along.

I walked down the hall and through sets of double doors, and walked down two flights of stairs. I

paused briefly, when I realized that two floor above me, Bella‟s skull was being sawed open.

Then I kept walking.

I stopped when I reached the small waiting room, where everyone was huddled.

Alice and Jasper.

Rosalie and Emmett.

Hell, Charlie and Renee.

This pissed me off.

They had each other to get through this, and I had no one… and, God, I needed her.

Desperately I needed Bella just then.

They had no idea how lucky they were.

At that moment, I truly believed that justice had not been served, because Bella was the one up

there with her head split open… and she was better than all of us.

Bella didn‟t deserve to be the one up there.

“Edward,” Rosalie said, twisting away from Emmett to reach for me.

I left.

-

I don‟t remember driving home.

I was just there.

Surrounded by all of it.

This home, this supposed haven… was a mocking joke.

My fingertips grazed the walls, as I walked numbly through the house.

I stopped in front of that fucking window.

My head cocked, and it occurred to me that that window shouldn‟t exist.

My casted arm thwacked against it, hard.

Then again.

Finally, the shatter I wanted came, and I swiped at each jagged piece until there was none left at

all.

I turned around, and my eyes fell on the drawer she slammed my hand in.

I yanked it out and threw it against the wall, then stepped through the contents on the floor.

Back in the hallway, I tore a picture off of the wall. The frame was cracked from a struggle we had

two weeks ago, when she came at me with such force, I slammed into the wall and the frame.

I stepped on the picture and went to the living room.

I picked up a ceramic vase that I‟d been hit in the knee with.

I let it slide from my hands to the wooden floor and was surprised at how easy it busted.

My head swiveled toward the couch.

Ha.

It had to go.

It bore physical evidence - there were two tiny drops of blood on the arm of the couch from when

she smacked my mouth while I was sleeping.

It wasn‟t even a hard blow, but my lip hit my teeth, and before I could catch the small trickle of

blood, it hit the couch.

I upturned the couch and kicked in the back.

Then I left the room.

The bedroom took the hardest hit from me… Probably, because it deserved it the most.

That room was by far the most betraying.

It was where we used to sleep peacefully, but now I stayed awake, ravaged.

It was where this thing first showed its horrendous beginnings… Where she scratched and kicked,
where her screams echoed in the dark when she would screech that she hated me… This room was

where I turned so heinously on her and savagely used her.

It was where we hurt each other the most… but it was also where we loved each other the most…

In this room we whispered softly and planted kisses and made love and held on for dear life.

It had to go.

Starting with the bed.

I ripped the mattress off and let it hit the floor with a heavy thud - thump. I kicked in the

headboard until it was just broken and splintered wood.

I used one hand to push over the end table and watched curiously, when the lamp didn‟t break.

Huh.

I picked it up and threw it at the wall.

I systematically ripped the drawers out of the dresser, then pushed it over, quite satisfied with the

crash.

I didn‟t bother going to the bathroom yet. I had the next four to six hours to take care of that.

I stepped over the wreckage and did a walk through the house, destroying anything that stirred
any kind of emotion.

There.

Now this house truly represented what we were.

Alice would be so proud.

She was always saying your home should reflect you.

Finally, it did.

Beautiful on the outside, shredded, destroyed and void of anything whole on the inside.

Perfect.

I stood in the rubble, the remaining pieces of our lives, and wondered if any of it was fixable.

Any of it.

I wondered what she looked like right now. Then I wondered if she was still alive.

My front door swung open, and I didn‟t move.

“Shit. What have you done?”

“Hello, Charlie.”

Chapter 11.

“What the hell did you do?” Charlie bellowed, his eyes wildly roaming over my destructive work.

“Oh, God. Oh, my God. Is she okay?” I wheezed out.

Why would he be here? Unless…

“She‟s still in surgery,” Charlie said absently, nudging a drawer with his foot.

The pressure slightly eased in my chest.

“Wanna tell me what the hell this is all about? Why did you do this?”

Why?

Hmmm…

Because Bella was laying somewhere with half of her skull cracked open.

Because my life was ruined.

Because her life was ruined.

Because it wasn‟t fair.

Because somewhere deep down, I was still unjustly angry at her.

Because I was more angry at me.

Because I couldn‟t look at a damn thing in this house without feeling sick.

Because even if she pulled out of this, I could never come back here… It wasn‟t home, it was hell.

“I don‟t know,” I told Charlie.

He stared at me for five full seconds, and I wondered what he saw.

A liar?

The demise of his daughter?

A coward?

A scared kid?

A mad man?

A soon to be convict?

I couldn‟t tell.

“Let‟s go,” Charlie said, turning for the door.

“Charlie, I want to wait until she‟s out of surgery. I promised her.”

“Let‟s go,” he said again, ignoring me.

“No. If something goes wrong, I promised her I‟d be the one. I‟m MPA. It has to be me to make the

decision.”

“Incarceration voids that. Let‟s go.”

“No.”

“This is resisting arrest.”

“Put it on my running tab.”

He started reading me my rights, and then the fight in me died.

I knew then I‟d given all that I had to give. I knew she needed more, but I simply didn‟t have it.

“Fuck, Charlie… just shut up. I‟m coming.”

He was quiet and led the way to his cruiser.

I sat in the back and wondered why he didn‟t cuff me… He wanted to.

Fuzzy calls beeped in and out over the CB radio, until Charlie clicked it off.

“When she wakes up, will you tell her where I am?” I asked.

I wished I had the will to resist this. God, when she woke up, and I wasn‟t there… Or worse, if she

didn‟t wake up, and I wasn‟t there…

“You should know she doesn‟t want to be on life support… and I promised, so…”

Charlie flicked the CB back on.

“Charlie,” I said louder, my determination picking up.

I couldn‟t fail her last request, not after I failed her at everything else.

“That‟s enough,” Charlie spat.

I leaned forward and slammed my palms into the metal gate that separated us.

“Watch it,” Charlie hissed.

“Just do what she wanted,” I said.

He said nothing.

-

When Jasper and I were fifteen, and Emmett was seventeen, he convinced us that climbing the

water tower and getting plastered was a great idea.

So we did it… and promptly got arrested by Mr. Chief of Police himself.

He told me to stay the hell away from his daughter and did my fingerprints himself. It was then I
figured out what everyone meant when they gasped when they found out I dated the Chief of

Police‟s daughter.

Charlie was there for the mug shots - which are now tucked away in Bella‟s jewelry box and

occasionally pulled out for a laugh - and he was there when I threw up all over the holding cell.

He spoke to my parents when they came for Emmett and me, then he dropped the juvenile

charges.

Looking back now, I realize he was just trying to scare us, to make sure we didn‟t fuck up again.

The point is, I knew what to expect when we got to the station. I vaguely remembered the booking

process… and this wasn‟t it.

There was no fingerprinting, no mug shot, no police report.

Charlie mumbled a few things at fellow cops. Most looked surprised to see him there; he must‟ve

already told them about Bella‟s surgery… He‟d need time off to care for her.

I followed him silently to the holding cell, never once told to empty my pockets or patted down.

Charlie unlocked the empty cell, and I stepped in. Then, to my bemusement, he stepped in behind

me and shut the door.

“What are you doing?” I sighed. I just wanted to be alone.

“Do you have any idea what it‟s like when your fourteen year old daughter wakes up in the middle
of the night, terrified from a nightmare, and she calls out for her fourteen year old, punk boyfriend

instead of her father?”

What. The. Fuck?

“Charlie, what the -”

“Or when she‟s sixteen, and her car breaks down, and she insists her boyfriend take care of it,
instead of -”

“Stop -”

“But the absolute topper is when that daughter literally chooses to put her life in the hands of that

boyfriend, instead of her father.”

“Are you kidding me? Am I here because you have some ass backwards Oedipus complex? Charlie,
I won‟t apologize for being there for her… And she loves me, more than anything, but that‟s hardly

grounds for arrest.”

“That‟s not why you‟re here. We have the next four hours to get shit straight. I‟d just thought we‟d

cover everything.”

“Okay, you‟re jealous. What else is on your list?”

“It‟s not jealousy, Edward… It‟s… Look, why‟d you let her do it? I gave you the perfect out…”

“You tried to corner me. You thought that when you offered your „deal‟, she‟d give in. Thank God

she‟s stronger than that.”

“Why‟d you let her do it?”

“Do what?” I asked, resigned to the conversation.

“Have the surgery. If it was me, I never would have -”

“Yeah, I know how you feel about it,” I said.

“Why?” he persisted. “And what is this codependency thing you two have?”

Before I answered, I briefly wondered how long he‟d felt this way… Was he really threatened by

some fourteen year old kid?

But then, I suppose, Bella and I had always been rather… intense… I could see how it‟d be

frightening for a father.

“You just answered your own question, Charlie.”

“Elaborate.”

“Look, I don‟t think either of us is in the mood for false pretenses and tact, so I‟m going to speak

frankly,” I said.

“Good.”

“The surgery wasn‟t my choice, it was Bella‟s…”

“You could have stopped it.”

“Legally. But, God, Charlie, you can‟t just go around, manipulating people‟s lives to suit yourself.”

“I don‟t -”

“You do! It‟s how you lost Renee. Everyone knows that. And, God, Charlie, of course she always

came to me. She trusted me not to be you.”

“If she dies, it‟s your fault.”

“I know that.”

“Then how in the hell can you sit here and say letting her do it was the right thing?”

“It was always her choice. I never, for one second, had a say. I only wanted MPA, because I didn‟t
want you to have it. I never intended to control or contradict any of her decisions the way you

would. And you know, she was right. Having the surgery was the right decision…”

“You selfish son of a bitch. You risked her life, because you couldn‟t handle -”

“No! I‟ve lived in hell with her and I‟d do that every day for the rest of my life if I had to… If she
chose not to do the surgery… I would‟ve supported any decision she made… I‟ll take her however I
can get her, Charlie, but she couldn‟t live like that. She‟s been in a constant state of fear. She‟s
been degraded to being baby sat around the people she loves. She couldn‟t control her own body;
she was locked in there and she was in more pain than she caused. It was only going to get worse.

She was going to leave us all, you know, and, God, it was killing her anyway. I could see that.”

Charlie was silent.

“Bella is stronger than both of us,” I continued, “because given the choice, we both would‟ve
stopped her. We both would‟ve forced her to live in pain like that… and I don‟t know… Maybe you

can‟t see how bad it was. You didn‟t live in it, but -”

“She needs you,” Charlie cut in abruptly, and his voice sounded full of revelation.

“What?”

“She needs you. I‟m going to let you out of here. I‟m going to drop -”

“Why?”

“Lots of reasons, mostly selfish ones. She‟d hate me for it, for starters. And because as much as I
hate it, I don‟t think she can be without you. And because I could probably get you as far as a trial
and unless I really pushed, not a jury in the world would convict you. I‟d be wasting my time and
losing my daughter. And because I know you love her, and the things you did… Right or wrong,
you did them for her… But, Edward, I‟m not filing any paperwork. If she dies, I‟m coming after
you… and I will bring you down.”

What the hell? We were being honest and blunt… I‟d tell him.

“If she dies, I don‟t intend on being far behind her,” I said, throwing a wrench in Charlie‟s revenge

plans.

Charlie‟s eyes closed, and he ran a hand down his bruised, exhausted face.

“Of course… of course,” he muttered.

He dropped his hand and stared at me.

“She wouldn‟t want that.”

“I beg to differ. She just told me she did… and even if she didn‟t, it‟s my choice, just as the surgery
was hers.”

“Look, kid, I can‟t just let you walk out of here, knowing what I know.”

“Of course you can. Pretend you didn‟t hear it, and I‟ll pretend the Chief of Police didn‟t try to

blackmail me using my freedom as leverage.”

“Listen. As much as I… Look. You‟ve been a fixture in my life for years, son. Don‟t do anything

stupid.”

I was silent.

What could I say to that? It seemed every decision I made in the past two months was stupid.

“Forget what I said. The charges stand.”

“You just said you didn‟t have anything solid on me!”

“I have enough to hold you.”

“But not for long.”

“I also said I‟d bring you down.”

“You were bluffing,” I said, hedging my bets. He‟d only said it because he was scared and he
wanted to scare me.

“We‟re both after the same outcome, Edward. Let‟s just drop this for now… and hope it doesn‟t
come to any of this.”

“Hope,” I uttered in a tone that was filled with none.

Charlie leaned against the wall and sighed.

“I have to say I was impressed by your maneuvering. That was some quick, sneaky thinking.”

“Thanks,” I said dryly. “Now that the doctor thing is shot, I can always take up con work.”

Charlie snorted.

“And you call me manipulative.”

I shrugged - he had a point. In the last two months, I‟d turned in to an excellent liar and

manipulator.

“I suppose we‟re both limitlessly conniving when we‟re fighting for something we love. I‟ve resorted

to blackmail… You resorted to… Well, everything else,” Charlie chuckled without humor.

“Too bad we weren‟t fighting for the same thing,” I mused. “Together, we could‟ve…”

“Yeah.”

It was quiet for a while. Charlie made no move to leave, and in a very strange way, I was
comforted by that… We both had the same focus, and if anyone knew the slightest bit of I was

feeling, it was Charlie. She was essentially the center of both of our lives.

I wondered how long we‟d sit there, and I was grateful to be there - I had nowhere else to go.

Occasionally, Charlie and I would glance at each other, and we understood the bottom line - we

just both wanted her to be okay, we just had different ways of getting her there.

After a long while, Charlie started to talk again.

“When she got mad… I‟ve never seen anything like that. She got you pretty bad a few times, huh?”

“Yeah… it wasn‟t so much the physical stuff - I got good at dodging her, holding her back… It was

more the things she‟d say.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like… she would tell me she hated me, that she wanted me gone… Shit like that.”

“Wow.”

“I couldn‟t admit to myself that something could be physically wrong. I was scared of… Well, this.
So that‟s why I didn‟t say anything. Couldn‟t see it. It‟s stupid, but I just didn‟t see it. Looking back

now -”

“I think… I can understand that. I mean, I convinced myself Renee was happy. She used to lock
herself in the bathroom and cry for hours, and I told myself that was normal. I was in denial until

she walked out the door. Sometimes… you just can‟t see it. I know that, but when it comes to
Bella, when this happened, I just got…” he trailed off, and I said nothing.

“Are you going to marry her?”

I flinched.

I hadn‟t realized that was ever a question.

“Yes.”

“Even if… this surgery doesn‟t fix anything?”

“Yes.”

“You can‟t have kids, you know… with her like that.”

“I know.”

“That‟s a lot to give up on top of everything else you already gave up… Along with everything you‟d

have to deal with…”

“None of that is a sacrifice. I‟d give up… I just want her.”

Charlie nodded.

“She could‟ve done worse than you,” he said.

That may have been the nicest thing Charlie had ever said to anyone.

“She‟s been lucky to have you too,” I said and I meant it. “When Renee left… You did a good job.”

“Right. I did a good job at turning the other cheek, while you snuck into my house.”

I smirked sheepishly. I wasn‟t aware he knew about that.

“It was hard when Renee left. Bella needed you more than me - she always has - so l let it slide.

Besides, I knew nothing, er… physical was going on.”

I let him hang onto his denial, however disillusioned it was.

And then we were quiet…

I thought about our life before this and the possibilities of after. I didn‟t see how we‟d ever be the

same.

I thought of Bella, lying there on a surgical table, disassembled. I thought of the thrill in her eyes
the first time I climbed through her window and then I thought of the wild fear in her eyes the last

time I looked in to them.

I remembered the first time I kissed her, and how we clumsily taught each other how and where

we liked to be touched.

I thought of when I taught her how to swing a bat… and I thought of a more recent memory when

she used the same bat to attack Emmett.

I thought of finding her familiar eyes in the crowd at my college graduation and buying our house
and getting drunk in bed just because and putting up our Christmas tree and folding laundry

together… And I was unsure of how to untangle the awful memories from the beautiful ones.

Then Charlie‟s cell phone rang.

Our eyes locked.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

“Answer it,” I blurted, my heart pounding against my ribs painfully.

“I…” He looked lost for half a second, before putting the phone to his ear.

“Yeah… Yes… I‟m on my way.”

Charlie flipped the phone shut and didn‟t meet my eyes again.

“We gotta go.”

Chapter 12.

“Well?” I choked out.

My head was spinning and light, and my teeth ground together; my life literally depended on the

next words out of Charlie‟s mouth.

“It‟s over. She‟s out of surgery.”

“Is she… I mean -”

“No. I don‟t know. It was Jasper. He just said „it‟s done, get up here‟.”

On the way to the hospital, I sat in the passenger seat, listening to the pulse in my ears, still and
silent.

I hadn‟t noticed Charlie had put on the siren and blew every red light, until we were half way there.

Charlie and I jogged through the halls of the hospital and up flights of stairs - the elevators were
too slow - and I wondered if I was running toward my death or to a new beginning… But I kept
running, because either way, I was going to be with her again.

We burst through the door of the tiny waiting room, and I felt like an intruder.

It was quiet.

My father was there, murmuring quietly to Jasper, Alice and Rosalie, his arm around Renee.

Emmett was on the couch, head in his hands. Esme, my mother, was staring off into space,

absently rubbing circles into his back.

All heads snapped up and stared blankly at Charlie and me. Renee moved first, reaching out a

hand to Charlie.

“She‟s alive. She made it,” I said with absolute certainty - not because of anything they said or did,
but because surely, if she had slipped out of this world, a part of me would‟ve gone too. Surely, the

world wouldn‟t just keep turning without her, like she never existed at all.

“Yes. She made it through,” my father confirmed.

“I want to see her.”

“Edward, you know that -”

“Now.”

“There‟s a few things you need to know first.”

“Tell me when we‟re in there. I can‟t even think. I just need to see her.”

“We‟re coming too,” Charlie said.

My father looked tired and defeated.

“Everybody scrubs up first and only ten minutes,” he sighed.

I could‟ve felt guilty for forcing him into my hospital rule breaking streak, but I didn‟t.

I felt triumphant.

On the way to post-op, Carlisle spoke to us; I vaguely heard him.

“Edward, I know you know what to expect, but it‟s different when it‟s someone you love… Charlie,
Renee, it isn‟t pretty. Dr. Clearwater wasn‟t able to close up, due to swelling, which was expected,

but it doesn‟t make it any easier to look at…”

I let his words drown out.

Finally, we stopped in front of the door, then Carlisle opened it.

My breath caught and choked.

The wound was there, grotesque and menacing.

Her head was swollen three times its normal size.

She was bandaged as best they could, but I could see a patch of hair had been shaved.

There was bruising around her eyes and nose.

It was a distorted, bloated, vague image of the face I loved.

But I‟d expected all of that.

It was something else that made the pit of my stomach burn and my eyes go grainy.

“She‟s on a vent,” I said, frozen in the doorway.

“She just needed a little bit of help breathing…”

“Did she go into arrest?” I asked, my head nodding, my eyes focused on her still form.

“No… Her vitals did drop considerably, though, about three-fourth way through. They removed the

vent after surgery. She was struggling to breathe on her own, so they re-tubed her.”

“How long until she wakes up?” Renee asked.

“She‟s in a medically induced coma to allow everything to just… rest. We‟ll test her brainwaves, so

we can get a glimpse of what is going on in there as far as brain activity -”

“Are you saying she could be brain dead?” Charlie asked.

“Extensive brain damage is a real possibility, though Dr. Clearwater doesn‟t anticipate any… We
just don‟t know the extent yet, if any. The tests should help us get a better idea, but until she is
conscious for a while, we won‟t know the full extent.”

“How did it look in there?” I asked, the doctor in me suddenly kicking in… Abruptly, I needed to
know exactly what I had been fighting for two months.

“The scar tissue was extreme. More than Clearwater expected. The limbic system was almost
completely blocked, so it‟s no wonder she was… Anyway, he‟s writing up the report right now. You

can see it when he‟s done.”

I nodded.

“How long will you keep her like that?” Charlie asked, nodding toward the bed, but not looking at
her.

“Probably about 48 hours. Then we‟ll try to -”

“Try?” Charlie asked.

“You‟re getting ahead of yourself, Charlie…” Carlisle said, and I knew this speech well. The only

time will tell and keep up hope speech.

For Charlie‟s sake, and maybe my own, I cut my father off.

“She‟ll need a week in ICU. Six weeks in rehab. More when she gets out.” It could take up to a
year for the bulk of her full capacity to come back, and Renee looked at me, full of hope that I had
no right to give them. I‟d made it sound like a cake walk, compared to what it could be - if she

woke up at all.

“Can she hear me if I talk to her?” Renee asked.

“I always like to believe that comatose patients can hear when they‟re spoken to,” I said, giving

my stock doctor answer.

Perhaps it was self-preservation kicking in, but I was in that mode, giving vague, comforting

answers. I was mostly detached, like it wasn‟t Bella I was talking about.

I realized then that I was doing it again - denying to myself the wretched possibilities because I
was afraid. I was covering it up, the same way I got us into this in the first place. It was a trait I

hadn‟t even known I‟d possessed until the last few days.

Renee stepped to Bella‟s bedside, and I turned away, blocking out her whispers to Bella. Charlie

stood paralyzed in the doorway, then slipped out, looking green and disoriented.

Soon Renee brushed past me, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“Can I have a second?” I asked Carlisle, but it wasn‟t a question.

“A few minutes, Edward,” he said, then left.

At her side, I let my fingers graze up her arm. Her skin was cool and smooth, taped and tubed.

I stared at the blue hose coming from her mouth… It was odd to think that that piece of plastic was

what was holding her here… Unless it wasn‟t… Unless it was me holding her here.

I took a deep, shaky breath and started to talk to her.

“I lied. I really have no idea if you can hear me or not, so I‟ll just talk, and you do your best to

listen…

“Charlie isn‟t going to send me to prison, so that‟s exciting,” I said dryly. “I‟ll fill you in when you

wake up.

“I hope you‟re not in pain. I‟m kind of just choosing to believe that you‟re not…

“So… I ruined the house. I‟d tell you I‟m sorry, but I‟m not. We can‟t go back there, you know? I
don‟t know… I don‟t think I could live there again. I just couldn‟t look at anything in there
anymore. All of it just… makes me hate myself. If you could, you‟d either laugh or yell right now…

I‟d love to hear either. I can‟t wait to hear you laugh, unhindered and real…

“Bella, I don‟t know that we‟ll ever be the same again. I don‟t know if you‟ll ever forgive me, or if
I‟ll ever forgive myself… And here‟s the twisted part - I don‟t know if I‟ll always be angry with you
the way I am now. I know it‟s not your fault. The logical part of me knows that you couldn‟t
possibly control any of those things, and I know it‟s my fault… God, now I hope you can‟t hear me.
Fuck, I would die for you. I would, I‟m willing. I can’t be without you, yet I‟m pissed off. I don‟t
know… Maybe not pissed at you, just at the things you‟ve done, but that‟s such a blurry line, it‟s
such a hard distinction to make, between you and your actions. But it can‟t be you I‟m mad at,

right? I‟m angry at those things I have no right to expect you to control. God, I‟m an asshole…

“The thing about you and me is, there has never been a choice. We‟re sealed… and I only just
recently started to understand that. Even in the worst of it, when I wanted out so bad, I could
never really be without you. It‟s kind of sick… and comforting, because I know that whatever

happens to you, happens to me too…

“Carlisle will be in here any second, so I want you to know a few things before I leave… Even at
your worst, you were still the most right thing about me… And even though I‟m angry and I‟m hurt,
I still love you more than… Well, everything, so never think that that has wavered. Nothing you‟ve
done has changed the way I feel about you. I know you worry about that, but don‟t… Look, the
truth is, I don‟t know if you‟ll ever be someone I can trust again or not, but it doesn‟t matter… And
I guess your faith in me has been shaken too. Whether you‟ll admit that or not, I know you were
looking for me to… save you… and I just ignored all of it. I guess what I mean is, if we escape this
thing or not, it doesn‟t change anything… Funny, nothing will ever be the same, but at the same

time, everything will be the same…”

There was a soft tap on the door. It was Carlisle, hurrying me along.

“I‟ll be back,” I told her. “As soon as I can… I‟d kiss you, but there doesn‟t seem to be a spot for
me what with all your new accessories… Fuck it,” I said and kissed her cheek through the white,

medical tape.

I didn‟t linger there. I couldn‟t stand much more.

I walked out of the room in a daze, then I leaned against the shut door.

Fuck, Bella, where are you?

I needed her.

I slid slowly to the floor and let my head fall back against the door… and I cried.

And when I couldn‟t cry anymore, when it hurt, and I was dry, I got up and went in search of my

father.

He was in his office, and when I walked in, he must‟ve noticed my ravaged state, but he didn‟t

mention it.

“Here‟s a copy of the report,” he said, sliding it across his desk at me.

I picked it up, but didn‟t read it.

“I want to get the medical license shit squared away,” I said.

“Edward, let‟s wait until -”

“No. I have to do something for the next 48 hours.”

“Okay. Well, then,” he began, and I knew he was relieved I still had the sense to make my career a
priority, whatever the reason. “The ethics board has already reviewed your case. I took the liberty

of pushing it to the top of the list.”

Of course he had.

“I can get you in tomorrow morning.”

“Good.”

“Edward?”

“What?”

“I think she is going to be as well as can be expected.”

I said nothing.

I hoped he was right.

I hoped he thought the same thing about me too… but I couldn‟t be sure about either of us.

Chapter 13.

I sat wedged between Alice and Jasper in the back of Emmett‟s Jeep. Rosalie drove, and Emmett

lolled in the passenger seat.

“Well, I can‟t wait to see her. As far as I‟m concerned, it‟s smooth sailing from here. I mean, she

made it through surgery, she made it through the night -” Alice got cut off.

“She‟s in a fucking coma,” Rosalie remarked, and I winced.

“Medically induced coma,” Alice corrected.

I turned my head to look down at Alice. Her face was even with my shoulder, and I found myself
smiling. The optimism coming off of her was palpable. It was something I hadn‟t felt in so long… I
hoped Rosalie would keep quiet and let Alice ramble. Whether I believed what she was saying or

not, it was good to hear.

“And besides, her EEGs came back really good. Her swelling went down more than they thought it
would already, and, God, I mean, the rehab and all that will be nothing compared to what -

Edward, you look sloppy.”

“Thanks,” I said dryly.

What the fuck did she expect?

I stayed at Emmett and Rosalie‟s the night before, only able to go to my ravaged house to grab a

suit and take a quick shower this morning.

I didn‟t sleep well, only about an hour or two, and that was only after my father called to report the

news of Bella‟s improving condition.

Alice twisted in her seat and began fiddling with my tie.

“I think this ethics thing is just a formality. Your heart was in the right place… and Chief of Staff

daddy can‟t hurt either.”

“Alice,” I said, “I wish you were right. Unfortunately, the board of ethics won‟t care if my „my heart

was in the right place‟.”

“Hmm. Well, that kind of contradicts ethics, doesn‟t it?” she said with a shrug, then patted my tie
down.

She had a point.

Alice usually did. Her skewed, rosy way of looking at the world was always fascinating. Like the
mind of an innocent four-year-old, everything was so black and white, but mixed with the wisdom
of freaking Gandhi. Alice amazed me… So I decided right then and there I‟d listen to Alice and try

to soak up every drop of her hope.

I ignored the analytical, logical knowledge I had and turned to Alice.

“Do you really think things will be okay?”

Alice blinked and looked taken aback for a second, then her face broke into a wide smile.

“Of course I do.”

“I do too,” Emmett chimed in from the front seat.

“Yeah. Me too,” Jasper said.

“You know, I think so as well,” Rosalie said, glancing at me in the rearview mirror.

“Yeah,” I agreed so quietly, I don‟t know if anyone even heard me.

At the hospital, I went to the board room, while the other four went up to ICU to see Bella, two by

two.

I couldn‟t muster any anxious feelings about the meeting or the fate of my career - my mind was

elsewhere.

As Chief of Staff, Carlisle should have been there, but he wasn‟t… probably due to nepotism issues.

A team of hospital attorneys was there. I hadn‟t even thought of bringing a lawyer; I hadn‟t

planned on arguing anything.

I sat across from a panel of blank faces, all of whom I recognized - Carlisle‟s long time colleagues

and friends.

A few pleasantries were exchanged, they asked about Isabella and wished her their best, then they

dove in.

They knew the entire story, but I relayed it to them again when they asked to hear it in my own

words.

We went over the Jessica Stanley issue, and I tried my best to explain how I‟d manipulated her and
how sorry I was about having to risk her job, but not once did I apologize for any of my actions.

She was a casualty, but I‟d risk it again if I had to.

When they asked about remorse, I was truthful and told them I had none.

I was past covering up and manipulating. I‟d told them everything I did, I did for a good reason
and I didn‟t regret any of it.

Needless to say, they looked less than pleased. They wanted me to make it easy for them, to come
to them full of remorse and guilt and apologies, but I was done lying.

In the end, I was surprised.

They pinned me with only three ethical violations.

I‟d failed to deal honestly with colleagues.

I‟d allowed my judgment to be influenced by personal discrimination.

I‟d entered into a sexual relationship with a patient.

Technically, I didn‟t enter into a sexual relationship with a patient. I entered the sexual relationship
far before I even entered med school, but I kept my mouth shut, because really, I was shocked.

I‟d violated at least ten more codes… Whatever the reason - probably Carlisle - they didn‟t mention
them, nor did I.

I was told they‟d meet and review, then contact me when the fate of my career was decided.

I was glad my fate was finally in someone else‟s hands. I was glad there were no life altering
decisions left to me. A huge weight was lifted off of me, so intense was the relief, yet I didn‟t even

know I‟d been worrying about it.

I walked out of the board room, anxious to see Bella, to see these improvements for myself.

My palms started to sweat, and my heart started to pound, as I got closer to her room. I wasn‟t
sure why… Maybe because I was scared… Maybe because I was hopeful.

-

I found Jasper and Alice outside of the glass ICU entrance doors, huddled together, and I wasn‟t

quite sure what to make of that… until Alice looked up and smiled at me through glistening eyes.

“Oh, Edward…” she whispered hoarsely, “she‟s awake.”

I froze.

“What?”

“She‟s awake. Dr. Clearwater has been… You know, gradually lowering her… whatever keeps you in

a coma, and she just… She woke up. And I saw her and -”

“Bella‟s awake?”

“Yes. Rose and Emmett went in to see her, and we all keep getting kicked out, and a bunch of
doctors and nurses were in there when we first got here, because she woke up at like five a.m.,
and Carlisle kept calling your house, and your cell was off…”

“It died. I haven‟t charged it,” I said, dazed.

She‟d been awake?

For hours?

“Carlisle and Renee and Charlie have been with her since she woke up, and, God, you took forever

in that meeting, and she‟s been asking for you. She wants to see you.”

“She‟s speaking?”

“Well, kind of. And her mind is pretty fuzzy, and we‟re not supposed to bug her or whatever -”

“Go!” Jasper cut in, half chuckling.

And I did.

I floated and dragged down the hall to her door.

She was alone.

The swelling had gone down a lot, her eyes were closed, but the vent had been removed, and her

head was now fully bandaged.

The bruising was worse… and I immediately noticed her hands were balled in to loose fists. I

breathed out heavily - she wasn‟t limp and lifeless in there, as she had been yesterday.

I walked over to her side and just listened to her breaths.

I counted them, thanking god for each one.

Carefully avoiding the wires and tubes, I lifted her curled hand and held it in mine.

Her eyes fluttered, her purple, swollen lids struggled to open, and I waited not patiently.

Finally, her lids slightly parted, and I saw her eyes through swollen slits.

“Hi,” I said softly and I fought back the swelling in my chest.

I wanted to laugh and crush her frail body to mine.

A tear leaked out of the corner of her eye, and I caught it with my thumb.

“It hurts?” I asked with growing horror.

“No…” came a soft, raspy, beautiful sigh. “We made it.”

I smiled - really smiled - and then that bubbling, relieved, giddy laugh that had been building in my

chest started to seep… She was right.

We made it.

Epilogue

Her short term memory is for shit.

She leaves the oven on.

She unknowingly flakes on lunch plans with Rosalie and Alice.

She‟ll forget what she is at the grocery store for, while she is at the grocery store.

She‟ll ramble excitedly about going to see a movie we saw the night before.

We‟ll make love, and an hour later, she‟ll tell me how much she wants me, that it‟s been too long…

Though sometimes I‟m sure she knows what she‟s doing with that one.

School would be impossible for her; she hasn‟t gone back.

Balance is an issue, more so than before. I watch her like a hawk. I swear, she can fall over while

she‟s sitting down.

Speech is also something we‟re still working on. Often, she uses words out of context, or she‟ll
pronounce them wrong… Sometimes she just plain out forgets the words she‟s looking for. It can

be incredibly frustrating for her, but sometimes, on a good day, she finds it incredibly funny.

We moved into an apartment after spending three months at my parents‟. It seemed like the best

place to stay, as either Carlisle or myself would always be around.

On our second night there, Bella had a nightmare.

She woke up screaming, and I instinctively grabbed her wrists and gently pinned her down, careful

of her head and neck… Then something amazing happened.

She asked me to hug her.

Just like before.

So I held onto her, and she didn‟t scream and scratch and kick. She kissed my neck and held on

tight until she fell into a peaceful sleep.

It was the most natural, familiar, amazing thing I‟ve ever witnessed.

That night I stayed awake and watched her in relief and in love.

She was Bella again in the truest, purest form.

It took a while, but eventually, I could sleep peacefully next to her… and then I noticed that I

stopped tensing when she picked up a heavy object, or when she got close.

My medical license was suspended for six months, which was more lenient than I had any right to
expect. It actually worked out, as I had six months to devote to Bella and her recovery… And I had

to sort out my career.

I‟d never be a heart surgeon or any surgeon for that matter.

My hand didn‟t heal properly, and I‟ve been told it‟d be arthritic sooner rather than later. It
probably wouldn‟t have been an issue if I would‟ve taken care of it in the first place, but I‟m past

„what if‟s and „I should have‟s.

I have learned that there is no sense in thinking like that, which was a ridiculously hard lesson for
me to learn.

If only I would‟ve washed the windows… If only I would‟ve taken care of my fucking hand… It
doesn‟t matter. What‟s done is done, and there is no going back, only forward. It took a while for
me to understand that, but when I see it clearly, I know it‟s all all right, because these things were
never in my control. They‟re all a part of our fate - supposed to be - just like Bella and I for
reasons still unbeknownst to me. I simply accept it all and I am grateful - beyond grateful - for

what I have - Bella.

It has been said by men much wiser than me that all things worth dying for can be saved by four

forms of love.

Hope.

Faith.

Love.

Forgiveness.

Each of these is a redeeming miracle in their own right, each of these has saved us.

In the end, I can see clearly that it wasn‟t Bella or me or even Dr. Clearwater that saved us.

It was hope. Hope that I didn‟t even know I had.

It was faith, because even at its worst, I knew this thing couldn‟t tear us apart. I knew that even
though it was hell, we were still so right, and I knew when I told Bella I‟d follow her anywhere, that
we would always be together in some capacity. That faith, that knowledge is the only thing that

kept my own sanity intact.

It was also forgiveness that saved us.

I‟ve come to know that it wasn‟t myself I needed to forgive. It wasn‟t Bella. It was life itself, for
neither of us ever really had any say in this; fate already had it set in stone. We were forced into

our sins… and once we both accepted that, we were at peace.

Still… above all else, we were saved by love.

Our constant, unwavering truth - love.