Retrograde by Jandco

A Twilight Fan Fiction Story

Summary

AU OOC All human. I did Safekeeper. If you liked that, hopefully you'll enjoy this, too. The tables
have flipped on Edward this time, all of the angsty goodness is there still!

Retrograde Amnesia –

1. Loss of memory for events occurring prior to, but not after, the onset of a current disease or

trauma.

2. Form of amnesia where subject will be unable to recall events that occurred before the onset of

amnesia

Chapter 1.

BPOV

Boring. Saturday. Afternoon. I lay on the couch, my feet propped up on Edwards lap. Normally, I
enjoyed nothing more than bad reality television on a lazy Saturday afternoon, but today I was

feeling restless. I lifted my foot and gently tapped the newspaper in front of Edward‟s face.

“Stop.”

I did it again.

“Stop.”

I did it again, harder.

The paper slowly lowered to reveal his beautiful, annoyed face.

“You really don‟t want to start something you can‟t finish.” He raised the paper back to his face.

I kicked it.

“That‟s it,” he said and tossed the paper behind the couch. Before I could blink, he was on top of
me, wearing a deliciously evil grin. He had both of my hands pinned above my head, using only

one of his.

“Well, now what are you gonna do?” I asked, not even bothering to fake a struggle. He stared
down at me and pretended to contemplate his next move. His thick, bronze hair was still wet from

the shower, and it began to drip on my face.

“Marry me.”

“I‟ve already agreed to that,” I said, wiggling my ring finger on my still restrained hand.

“No. Today. Tonight.”

“What? We can‟t do that. We can‟t just -”

“Why?” he asked, his hand still holding both of mine, his green eyes shining, challenging me to

come up with a good reason.

“Uh… Because I have wedding plans in motion, because Alice would kill both of us, because we

both would kill Esme, because we don‟t have a marriage license yet -”

“No. No good. I veto all of those reasons,” he said flippantly.

“You can‟t veto my reasons!”

“Yes, I can.”

“What do you wanna do? Go to Vegas and get married by Elvis?” I asked sarcastically.

“Well… yeah.”

He was serious.

“You‟re serious.”

“I am. Look, I‟ve been waiting since high school to marry you. I‟m tired of waiting,” he shrugged.

“Oh,” I said, trying to wrap my mind around his idea.

“If we‟re doing it anyway, what‟s the difference?”

“I just gave you a rather lengthy list.”

“I‟m not marrying you for Alice or Esme or flowers or anything else you said, so none of those

counts as a reason not to. Do you want to marry me?”

“Don‟t be ridiculous. You know there is nothing I‟ve ever wanted more.”

“Good. Let‟s go get married.”

My heart began to flutter, as I realized that every dream, every fantasy I‟d ever dared to have was
about to come true. I didn‟t want to wait another seven months, or even seven hours. I suddenly
wanted this, badly.

He let my hands free, and I instantly wrapped them around his neck and squealed.

“That was the girliest thing you‟ve ever done,” he said.

“Cut me some slack, it‟s my wedding day,” I said, planting quick kisses down his throat. “We

should get up.”

“We should,” he murmured into my shoulder. I slid my hands to the button of his jeans.

“I mean, traditionally, we shouldn‟t be doing this right now,” I said, yanking the button open.

“Traditionally,” he agreed, pulling my shirt over my head. “But we‟ve been doing this for years

now… Not that I‟m complaining.”

“True,” I said, convinced.

He pulled away and looked down at me. He nodded his head slowly.

“I can‟t believe you‟re mine,” he stated simply.

Right. Somehow, Edward had deluded himself into thinking he was not the most beautiful man to

walk the planet. I didn‟t know how, we had plenty of mirrors.

“Likewise. Can we save the mush for the honeymoon?” I asked, pulling his pants down. He smiled

crookedly at me.

“Lose the sweatpants, Swan.”

-

“Okay,” Edward sauntered into the bedroom, “I mapquested from Phoenix to Vegas. We should -
there is no way you need all of that,” he said, gesturing to my stuffed suitcase with a map in his

hand.

“Of course I do,” I said, trying to shut my luggage.

“When did you turn into Alice?”

“Haha. Look, I just want to be perfect for you, okay?”

“Bella, nothing in or out of that suitcase could make you any more perfect for me.”

“Fine. I want to look pretty in our wedding pictures,” I said, holding up a disposable camera. He
walked over to me and took a hold of my hips. He moved me three steps over and swiftly and

neatly shut the same suitcase I struggled for fifteen minutes with.

I glared at him.

He winked at me.

“Hi, honey, we‟re home!” a big voice boomed from the living room.

“Shit,” I whispered. “Go out there -”

Too late.

Edward‟s big brother, Emmett, stood in the doorway, his muscular arms reaching up so his hands
gripped the archway. Beautiful Rosalie, one of my best friends and Emmett‟s girlfriend, was at his
side.

“We‟re bored,” he said, looking at us expectantly.

“Shall we tap dance for you?” Edward asked dryly.

“Not you, but Bella could,” Emmett grinned.

“Do you guys want to go to a movie or something?” Rosalie asked, ignoring Emmett.

Edward and I looked at each other.

“Uh… No, we‟re tired and -”

“We have Alice with us, so you‟re wasting your breath,” Rosalie said.

Just then Alice appeared, slipping her tiny body in between Emmett and Rosalie. She opened her

mouth to say something, then snapped it shut.

Shit.

She slowly looked around the room, her eyes lingering on the suitcase on the bed. Her hands went

to her hips, her eyes going back and forth between Edward and me.

“You guys didn‟t mention you were going anywhere,” she said suspiciously.

“We‟re not.”

“It‟s spur of the moment.”

“Well, which is it?” Alice asked.

“Busted,” Emmett sang from the doorway.

“No big deal, Alice. We‟ll be back by tomorrow night. You won‟t even miss us,” I said, trying to

sound nonchalant.

“Where are you guys going?” Rosalie asked.

“Oh, you know, road trip,” I said, glancing to Edward for help.

“For less than 24 hours? And you packed a suitcase full of clothes? Bella, you don‟t go through that

many clothes in a week!” Alice said, pointing at me accusingly.

She had me there.

“We‟re going to Vegas,” Edward said.

“Yes!” Emmett said from the doorway.

“No,” Alice moaned.

Edward looked at Emmett.

“Bella and I are going to Vegas,” he said pointedly.

“Nobody‟s going to Vegas without me,” he said.

“Nobody‟s going to Vegas, period,” Alice said.

Edward rolled his eyes and took my hand.

“Ready, baby?” he asked.

“Yep.”

“Stop. I know what this is,” Alice said slowly, her eyes narrowing. “You‟re getting married.” The

way her voice burned with accusation, you‟d have thought we killed her dog.

“Really?!” Rosalie squealed. “We‟re definitely coming now!”

Outside in the driveway, a horn honked.

“Jasper‟s waiting in the car,” Emmett said, unaffected by Alice‟s revelation.

“Please go get him,” Alice said. “We‟re not going anywhere any time soon.” She flopped on the
bed.

“Fine. You stay. We‟re leaving,” I said.

“What about med school?” Alice blurted out. “You graduate in six months, Edward! Why not wait?”

“Well, mom, I will graduate in six months. We‟ll be back before Monday morning. I won‟t even miss

one day of school.”

“But… the calla lilies… They‟re ordered… and… and the menu is all set… I wrote a speech, and
Bella‟s dress - my dress and…” She suddenly let out a short squeak and pointed to the disposable

camera next to her, like it was a snake. “Photographer,” she whimpered.

“Come with us,” I said reluctantly. She was my best friend and heartbroken. Besides, she put more

work into this wedding than me and Edward combined. We owed it to her.

Alice jumped from the bed and hurled herself at me.

“Really?” she screeched. “Can I give my speech? Can I wear my dress? It needs a few alterations,
but – oh, fuck it, I wanna wear it…”

“Me too,” Rosalie yelled from the doorway. “And I want a bouquet!”

“I still get to be the best man!” Emmett said, returning with Jasper.

“I‟m still stuck being head usher,” he chimed in, faking enthusiasm.

I looked at Edward, defeated. He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Around us, our friends talked
excitedly and made plans. I remembered what he‟d said. None of it mattered, only us. I was
surprised to find I was glad our friends would be there, to share this. God knew we‟d shared
everything else. It was only right they would be there. They were a part of our history and

definitely a part of our future. They were our family.

An hour later, we were cramped in Emmett‟s Jeep.

“I ain‟t reading that,” Emmett said from the driver‟s seat. He crumpled up the paper and threw it

behind his shoulder to the backseat.

“The best man is reading it,” Alice said. “I‟m sure Jasper would be happy to read it, if you want to
step down. Bella picked it out for her wedding, and so help me God, I will salvage whatever is left

of it,” Alice ranted, her voice becoming high pitched. She was still mourning the lillies.

“Fine. Give it back,” Emmett said.

“No. I don‟t like your attitude.”

“Give it back, Alice.”

“No, Emmett.”

He reached behind himself and blindly grabbed for Alice.

“Knock it off, Em,” Rosalie said smoothly and evenly.

He did.

“Ha,” Alice said, but she leaned up and tossed the paper on Emmett‟s lap.

“I can‟t believe you‟re actually going to be married,” Jasper mused.

“There‟s still time, Edward. I can pull over and leave the old ball and chain on the side of the road.”

“Oh, please, Emmett. You‟d miss me,” I said.

“I really don‟t think it‟ll be that big of a change,” Rosalie said. “You guys have been practically

married since tenth grade.”

It was true, I was already his wife, as he was my husband. This ceremony only made the rest of

the world recognize it.

“Yeah, but once she has him legally, it‟ll cost him a lot more to get out,” Emmett antagonized.

Edward leaned up and cracked Emmett on the back of his head.

“Have you seen this abusive side, Bella? Maybe you oughtta rethink this.”

“What does Charlie say?” Rose asked, ignoring Emmett the way only she could.

“Well… nothing. We didn‟t tell him. I‟m sure he won‟t be too upset. It saves him from having to

stand up in front of half the town.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Edward, you‟re going to take Charlie‟s only daughter to Vegas to marry her? Did
you forget he‟s a cop? Who carries a gun? Who once threatened to use it if he caught you climbing
in his daughter‟s window again?” Emmett asked incredulously.

“I was fifteen. We‟ve come along way since then.”

“What does Esme think?” Jasper asked.

Edward and I were silent.

“You did tell Esme, right?” Alice asked.

“No… and we didn‟t eat all of our vegetables, either,” Edward answered.

“Oh, you joke, tough guy, but if you thought my reaction was bad…”

“Esme‟s gonna hit the roof,” Rosalie finished.

“She‟ll get over it,” Edward said confidently.

“I am so the new favorite son,” Emmett grinned and turned up the radio.

-

Our vows had been simple and timeless, the same sweet words that millions before us uttered. The
chapel was… Well, a Vegas chapel. It could have been a pig sty for all I cared. What mattered was
we were bound to each other for eternity, no matter what. During the ceremony, Edward spoke
softly to me. There was a peaceful confidence about him that soothed any nerves I had. The way

he looked at me made my chest ache for him. He was so beautiful and good… and all mine.

Jasper was solemn and quiet, his arm linked with Alice‟s, who was softly crying and occasionally
blubbering something about polyester flowers. Rosalie beamed with pride, as Emmett stepped
forward to read the excerpt I had chosen. He cleared his throat and straightened his tie. I prayed

he wouldn‟t fuck it up.

Surprisingly, he looked humbled and happy. He looked at Edward and mouthed something I

couldn‟t quite make out, but Edward smiled and nodded his head. Then Emmett began.

“An excerpt from the poem „Because She Would Ask Me Why I Love Her‟ by Christopher Brennan.

Then seek not, sweet,

The if and why.

I love you now

Til the day I die

For I must live because I live

And life in me

Is what you give.”

It was so perfect and true, especially for Edward and me.

-

The next morning, I stared in disbelief at the bags and packages piled on top of Alice and Jasper‟s

hotel bed.

“How - I mean, when did you have time to do this?” I stammered.

“Well… everyone fell asleep! I was bored, and well, the shops in Vegas don‟t close, and… come on!

Who didn‟t see this coming?!” Alice defended herself.

“Well, there‟s no way it‟ll all fit,” Jasper sighed.

“Well, there‟s no way I‟m taking any of it back,” Alice said.

“It‟s you or the clothes, Alice,” Emmett said, irritated and hung over.

“Wait,” Edward said. “Bella and I can take the train.”

“A train?” I asked flatly.

“Yeah, it‟ll be fun.”

Alice looked at me hopefully.

“Why don‟t you take the train? It‟s your fault,” I said.

“Why don‟t you all get on the damn train?” Emmett spat, rubbing his head. It wouldn‟t be a fun

ride home with Emmett. How bad could the train be? I looked at Edward and shrugged.

“Why not?”

-

“You were right. This is kinda fun,” I said.

“Am I ever wrong?” Edward asked.

“Don‟t push it.”

“Ah, but I can, now that I‟ve got you.” He winked and flashed his ring in my face.

“You always had me.”

“Well, what are we going to tell everybody?”

“According to the train schedule, Alice is going to beat us home by an hour. That‟s more than

enough time for her to call… everybody. We won‟t have to say a word.”

“She wouldn‟t.”

“She will,” I said.

“Saves us the trouble, I guess.”

“I am Mrs. Cullen,” I declared abruptly.

“Yes,” Edward said, smirking.

“Say it,” I said.

“Mrs. Cullen,” he said, humoring me.

“Now say „Mrs. Edward Cullen‟.”

“Mrs. Edward Cullen.”

“Now say „Bella Cullen‟.”

“Bella Cullen.”

“I love it! Hand me my purse, I want to get a pen.”

He looked at me puzzled, but tossed the purse in my lap anyway. I dug out an old receipt and a

pen, and carefully signed my new name.

“It looks perfect,” I said.

“It does,” he agreed, amused by my handiwork. I‟d written „Mr. and Mrs. E. A. Cullen‟. He laughed
at me.

“What?” I asked.

“You used to write the same thing all over your notebooks at school.”

“You saw that?”

“Yep.”

“Well… it‟s real now,” I said, and he kissed me.

“When did you know you were going to marry me?” I asked, enjoying my school girl antics.

“High school, freshman year, winter dance, last song,” he answered without hesitating. I stared at

him.

“No, be serious.”

“I am. You were wearing that hideous, purple dress -”

“You didn‟t like that dress?”

“No. Anyway, you stepped all over my toes, and it hurt like hell, and there was something stuck in

your braces -”

“There was not!”

“There was… And the only thing I could think was „I love this girl‟. Then I knew.”

“I love you, Edward.”

“I love you, Mrs. E. A. Cullen.” He flashed me his gorgeous, crooked grin, then everything went

black.

Chapter 2.

EPOV

Pain. The only thought I could muster was pain. In my bones, coursing through my veins, in every

cell of my being. Pain. I tried to open my eyes. More pain.

“Here! He‟s coming! He‟s waking up!” My mother‟s voice was far, it sounded like she was under

water. I forced my eyes to blink open; everything was fuzzy.

“Emmett, go have dad paged,” I heard my mother again, but my eyes couldn‟t find her.

“Edward, Edward!” Suddenly, her face was an inch from mine.

“Geez, get outta his face, mom,” I heard Emmett from across the room. My mother didn‟t move; I

wished she‟d listen to him.

“Can you hear me, Edward? Do you see me?” She was so anxious. What the hell was going on? I

tried to speak, but my throat was too dry and gritty.

“He‟s gone blind!” she cried. I felt her fingers on my forehead, and it hurt.

“He‟s not blind, he‟s looking right at you,” Emmett said.

My mother‟s eyes peered into mine.

“Hey,” I whispered, and my throat set on fire. Esme sobbed and took a step back. Suddenly, a

bright light shone in my right eye, then quickly into my left. It hurt.

“Edward, do you know who I am?” I heard my father‟s calm voice. I gave a slight nod. I didn‟t

dare try talking again.

“Do you know where you are?” he asked. With pain like this, I sure as hell better be in a hospital.

With my head, I communicated affirmative again.

“Good. Edward, we put you in a medically induced coma ten days ago.”

What?! Why?!

“Do you remember what happened?” he asked slowly.

No. Nothing. Just pain and confusion.

“Okay,” he said, and I heard papers shuffling.

“Are you in pain?” he asked. I nodded again and heard my mother start with fresh sobs. “We‟ll get
you something for that.” I felt a slight tug on my hand, as a tube connected to it was moved. The
room was silent. Within minutes, my pain began to fade. I could still feel its presence, but it was

duller somehow.

Someone brought a straw to my lips.

“Do you want to try to drink?” my father asked. I did. It was relieving and painful at the same

time.

“What?” I whispered, hoping they‟d understand.

“Edward, I‟m going to briefly run through your injuries… Do not get worked up. You will be okay,
you‟re going to recover,” Carlisle said.

It was odd he said that. The thought that I could be dying never crossed my mind.

“Your left leg is broken in several places, you have three broken ribs on the left side, your left lung
has been punctured, your left wrist is broken… There was some brain swelling, but fortunately, it
subsided on its own… It‟s a miracle that the only internal injury was the lung, which we repaired

with surgery.”

He was so matter-of-factly that it took me a moment to realize… I was broken.

This was bad.But how?

“You‟re going to be okay, Edward,” my mother said breathlessly. She sounded like she was trying

to believe it.

“Esme,” I heard Carlisle. “Can I speak with you in the hall?”

My mother kissed my forehead, and I felt her tears wet my skin.

“Let him rest, Emmett,” my father said. Then they were gone.

I saw Emmett at the foot of the bed. He looked very tired.

“Is it bad?” he asked.

I nodded.

He stared.

“God, you look like shit,” he said. “You scared the piss out of me.” I saw him wipe his eyes on his

sleeve.

“What?” I asked. He knew what I meant and I knew he couldn‟t lie.

“I… I‟m not supposed to… I should let you rest.”

“Em,” I whispered and I hoped he could hear the desperation in my voice.

He looked at me for a long moment.

“It was that fucking train.”

Train? I got hit by a train? I couldn‟t focus my mind.

“Look, take it easy… just…” Emmett began to get upset when he saw my confusion.

“No… train?”

“It got hit… and it derailed,” he said quietly, and I saw him shudder.

“Emmett!” my fathers voice rang out quietly, but sharply.

“He‟s asking… and I won‟t lie to him,” Emmett said unapologetically.

“You need to rest, Edward. In the morning, we‟ll run some tests and get a clearer picture of what is
going on.”

“Train?” But even as I was asking, something in my mind clicked.

Train.

Bella and I can take a train home.

Alice’s shopping.

Vegas.

Chapel.

Mrs. Cullen.

Bella.

My heart started to pound in my chest, and I felt my eyes go wide with panic.

“Bella.” My breathing was too loud.

“Edward, you have to calm down, or I‟m going to have to sedate you.”

“Bella!” I looked at Emmett, but he wouldn‟t meet my eyes.

“Edward, right now we need to focus on your recovery. You have a very long road ahead of you…” I

let his words fade out.

Something was very wrong.

I noticed my mother looking out the window. Her back was to me, and her shoulders were

trembling.

“Say it,” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong.

My mind was racing. I envisioned her broken, like me. Paralysis? Amputated limbs? Disfiguring
scars? It didn‟t matter. We‟d come through this together. Whatever it was, I‟d get her through. She

would be fine. We‟d both be fine.

My father pulled up a chair to my bedside. Emmett walked out of the room. Esme didn‟t move a

muscle. I turned my head to look at Carlisle. For the first time in my life, my father looked scared.

He swallowed hard and began to speak.

“Just outside of Las Vegas, near an Indian reservation, a semi truck hit the train you and… you
were on. The train derailed. There was a lot of damage… a fire. There were only three survivors,

Edward. You are one of them.”

I blinked. I didn‟t understand.

“Where is she?” I managed.

Carlisle looked at me, waiting. For what, I wasn‟t sure.

“The other two survivors are a 45 year old man and his 12 year old daughter.”

He looked at me carefully.

“You are the only three that survived.”

Oh.

Suddenly, Esme‟s hands were on my face. She was crying.

“I‟m so sorry, baby, so sorry,” she sobbed.

“Wait. What?”

“She‟s gone,” I heard my father say.

Gone? Gone where?

“Edward… she died.”

Then it was like a dam broke.

My stomach clenched painfully, and I started to gag. My father raised the hospital bed to a sitting
position, while I wretched and dry heaved, but nothing would come. I couldn‟t feel the pain in my
body anymore; I couldn‟t feel anything. I was faintly aware of the grotesque noises coming from
me. My parents were on either side of me, grasping my limp, heavy hands. My breaths started to

shake my body violently.

“Carlisle… he‟s… Help him!” I heard my mothers panicked voice.

Moments later, my body was calmer, but my mind was still exploding… just slower. Then

everything went dark.

-

When I woke, the room was dark, except for a dim light above my head. I flopped my head and

saw Emmett sitting in a chair in the corner, his head in his hands.

“She died,” I said quietly, praying that Emmett couldn‟t confirm it. He looked up from the floor and

met my eyes.

“Yeah.”

“She‟s my wife,” I said, as if that could resurrect her.

“Yes.”

“I don‟t - I can‟t really feel it. I can‟t make myself believe it.”

Emmett shook his head.

“Tell me,” I said.

“Edward, I can‟t even - I don‟t even get it yet and I‟ve been conscious the past ten days.”

“Tell me,” I said again. I wanted to know.

“It‟s bad. We thought… Look, the train went flying everywhere… in pieces. There was a fire… A fuel
truck hit the train. I saw the wreckage, I had to. It‟s… You can‟t even tell… Nobody should have

survived that.”

I shook my head. He knew what I wanted.

“There was a funeral six days ago. Charlie just didn‟t want to prolong it. We didn‟t know if… We
weren‟t sure if you‟d be okay when you woke up or if you‟d be a veg- We just didn‟t know. It was
awful. A ton of people came. Alice just… isn‟t doing well. I‟ve never seen so many flowers at a

funeral -”

“Stop.” I couldn‟t hear anymore.

-

The next eleven weeks in the hospital were slow and numb.

I went through the motions of physical therapy.

Alice would come by everyday and cry, though we never said much to each other. We held hands,

and she would sob, while I‟d lie there, not thinking about anything at all.

Emmett and Rosalie came in shifts. She would open the blinds and ramble about work or a movie,
while I didn‟t bother pretending to listen. Emmett didn‟t say much. We‟d usually just stare at the
glowing television. Occasionally, he‟d help me up and supported me, while I practiced hobbling

down the quiet hallways.

Jasper would come, and we‟d play cards or just sit.

Of course, my parents hovered constantly.

Everyone seemed to be waiting, myself included. For what, I didn‟t know. A breakdown? A miracle?

Bella? But it never came, and nobody ever spoke of it.

During my eleventh week in the hospital, there were rumblings of my release. I hadn‟t given much
thought to getting out. I wasn‟t anxious to leave, but I didn‟t want to stay, either. It didn‟t matter

where I was. Nothing was waiting for me when I got out.

-

My mother walked in briskly one morning, smiling.

“Today‟s the day!” She beamed. “I‟ve got your room all ready. I set you up in the den. I know
you‟d be more comfortable in your room, but with the stairs, I thought -”

“What?”

“You‟re coming home today!”

“Home. My home.” Suddenly, it mattered. A lot.

“Edward, don‟t be ridiculous. You‟ll stay with -”

“No. I want to go home.”

“Darling, it will be much easier -”

“Please,” I said, raising my casted hand. She looked torn, though she shouldn‟t have. There was no
choice to make.

“Okay. But I‟m staying.”

Fine. It didn‟t matter.

Chapter 3.

Three Months Later

EPOV

My body progressed. As predicted, physically, I healed. I went back to school, my professors were

sympathetic and made allowances for me.

I ate.

Sometimes I slept, but never long enough.

I showered.

I vacuumed.

I watered Bella‟s plants.

The only feeling I could bear to feel for Bella was jealousy. She had by far gotten the better end of

the deal.

I didn‟t cry or wallow.

I wasn‟t in hell. That would require feeling something.

I just existed.

Occasionally, my friends would take me somewhere, anywhere. It didn‟t matter much what we did,

I wasn‟t there anyway. We never talked about her, but it was brewing, and we all knew it.

Then finally, something broke.

I was on my couch in front of the TV. Emmett and Rosalie were in the kitchen, making dinner. I
was no longer an invalid, but I was still treated like one. I never protested; they needed to feel like
they were doing something to help me, so for their sake, I pretended to appreciate it. Alice was
perched on the arm of the couch next to me, waiting for Jasper to come from work.

“Where‟s my ring?” I asked suddenly.

“What?”

“My wedding ring. I want it.”

“Oh. Do you think that‟s a good idea?” Alice asked cautiously.

“It‟s mine, and I want it.” I got up and started yanking open random drawers, spilling out the

contents, searching for the ring.

“We‟ll find it, Edward, just -”

“I want the damn ring!” I yelled at her, slamming a desk drawer shut. I didn‟t know what I was
doing, but something was bubbling up inside of me, and I couldn‟t stop. I whipped the cushions off

of the couch and dug my hands in the crevices. Rosalie and Emmett heard my yelling and came in.

“Dude, what are ya doin‟?” Emmett asked too gently. Alice looked at him, frantic.

“He wants his ring.”

“That‟s right. I want my fucking ring.” I headed to the bookshelf and started tossing books from it.
I didn‟t know why. I knew the ring wasn‟t there. I kept tossing books and paused when I held
Bella‟s tattered copy of „Wuthering Heights‟ in my hands.

“Fucking Bronte.” I let out a sharp, bitter laugh. “Why does she reread this shit?” I whipped the
book at the wall. It hit with a crack, then thudded to the floor. I went back to my task of emptying

the shelf.

“You‟re not gonna find the ring in there,” Emmett said coolly. I pivoted on my heels to look at him,
but instead, I saw Rosalie, clutching Bella‟s book to her chest, crying.

“Put it down,” I said.

She didn‟t move.

“Put the damn book down, Rosalie.”

Emmett whispered something to her, and she left the room, taking Bella‟s book with her.

“Esme has the ring,” Emmett said, his arms across his chest.

“Why?”I asked, angry for no reason.

“She thought it would be easier if -”

“If we pretended my wife never existed?” Emmett winced. Alice crumpled to the floor. I stood there

like a stone.

“We didn‟t want to push… We were following your lead,” Emmett said.

I put my hands in my hair and turned for the stairs. I took them two at a time, Emmett and Alice
on my heels. I went to my bedroom and threw open the closet door. I revealed her clothes, her
shoes, exactly where she left them. I‟d been meticulous about not touching a single thing. I fell to

my knees and started throwing the shoes over my shoulder.

“Jesus, Edward,” Alice gasped.

“Do you want her shoes, Alice? Hell, you picked them all out yourself, and it‟s not like Bella‟s

gonna wear them anytime soon.”

I stood up and yanked an armful of clothes from the rack and turned to toss them on the bed.
When I looked up, I saw Emmett holding Alice protectively to his chest. I walked into the bathroom
and grabbed the small garbage can. With one arm, I cleared the counter of Bella‟s lotions and
toiletries. I grabbed her toothbrush and hairdryer, and tossed them in the can. I threw the shower
curtain back and grabbed the half empty bottle of strawberry shampoo from the shelf. I unscrewed
the cap and emptied the bottle into the tub. The fucking shampoo taunted me every morning. I
inhaled deeply without thinking and I was assaulted by the scent. Bella‟s scent. I let the bottle drop

in the tub and walked out.

I walked back in the bedroom. Somehow, Rosalie had appeared.

“There. Now it‟ll be a lot easier to go on pretending she never existed at all.” I tossed the garbage

can on the bed, on top of her clothes. They stared at me, dumbfounded, nervous to make a move.

“What the hell is going on?” I heard Jasper‟s voice behind me.

“Nothing much. We‟re forgetting Bella,” I said casually.

“I see,” Jasper said, brushing past me to go to Alice.

“Its my fault,” she blurted out.

“Alice, don‟t -” Jasper began.

“No. It is. It‟s my fault.”

“Here we go,” Emmett breathed.

“Edward, I‟m sorry. So sorry,” Alice said, approaching me. I took a step back.

“If I… if I didn‟t buy all of that shit… all of that meaningless shit… it wouldn‟t have happened…”

I looked at her, but didn‟t argue. The thought had crossed my mind before. Then again, I‟d spent
months combing my mind for every „what if‟. What if Alice hadn‟t shopped? What if Emmett hadn‟t
been hung over? What if I‟d never suggested the fucking train? What if I‟d never said „marry me‟?
What if she hadn‟t kicked my newspaper? The series of events that led to this were beside the
point. They happened, and I was past trying to place blame. It didn‟t bring her back to me.

I watched Jasper pull Alice into his arms. I said nothing. This was Alice‟s cross to bear.

-

Six Months Later

I graduated at the top of my class. Esme and Carlisle were proud. People expected it to be a
turning point for me. It held no satisfaction. I supposed there was a sense of accomplishment, but

also a sense of dread. It meant my life was moving forward, and Bella‟s never would.

I refused a graduation party, though it crushed Esme. I knew I wouldn‟t have been able to handle
it. People were starting to worry again, since I had made no emotional progression. I just…

couldn‟t.

The night of my graduation, my friends insisted on taking me out. That was fine. I could sit, drink,

let them carry on conversation without me, and it would appease them.

“Is there a doctor in the house?” Emmett boomed, as he plunked a bottle of beer in front of me. He

ruffled my hair and plopped in the chair next to mine.

“Well, how does it feel?” Rosalie asked. I wished I knew.

“Good,” I said and flashed my teeth, hoping it would pass for a smile.

“Play darts with me,” Jasper said and stood.

“I play the winner,” Emmett announced.

“Uh… You don‟t drink and dart, remember?” Rosalie asked. “It‟s dangerous. Last time, you almost

nailed Bella – sorry…”

“Don‟t be. Bella shouldn‟t be taboo,” I said, surprising even myself. Rosalie nodded.

“I‟ll come watch,” Alice said.

“Me too. We‟ll cheerlead,” Rosalie said.

With great effort, I led them to the dartboard.

A while later, I was leaning against the bar, watching Alice and Rosalie throw darts. Emmett stood

next to me, shouting cheers and insults at the girls. Suddenly, a short, blonde girl was next to me.

“I noticed you needed a dart partner,” she said, leaning in too close.

“No… no, I‟m just watching,” I said, staring at the dartboard.

“I‟m pretty good, if you change your mind.”

Emmett leaned over me and extended his hand.

“I‟m Emmett,” he said. She took his hand.

“Carolyn… or Carrie.”

“This is Edward,” Emmett said, jerking his head at me. What the hell was he doing?

“Ah, Edward doesn‟t say much, huh?” she joked with Emmett.

“He‟s a man of few words,” Emmett said over my head. I stared ahead. My insides started to burn.

“Mysterious. I like it,” the girl said, no longer looking at Emmett. She was staring up at me. I held
up my left hand, where my wedding ring was securely on my finger.

“I‟m married,” I said flatly.

“She‟s a lucky girl,” Carrie sighed.

“You have no idea,” I agreed. The girl walked away, and I looked up to see four pairs of eyes

staring at me.

“Don‟t,” I said.

“This… cannot be… healthy,” Alice stammered.

“I said „don‟t‟.” What did they want? I never claimed to be okay.

I swerved around the bodies in the crowded bar, trying to get to the door, to fresh air. They
followed.

“Edward,” Jasper called, once we were in the parking lot.

“What?” I asked and turned. The four of them lined up across from me. I squared my shoulders,

daring them to question my behavior.

“That was… Geez, Edward…” Jasper trailed off.

“That was weird,” Emmett said loudly. “It‟s been a year, Edward. You can‟t act like -”

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to date? Fine. I will. I‟ll do what is normal. I‟ll keep
letting you cook me dinner and I‟ll keep going out when and where you tell me to and I‟ll wake up
every morning and sleep at night, and it won‟t change a damn thing. Just don‟t ask me to love

somebody else, because I can‟t.”

“Nobody is asking you to fall in love or even date somebody,” Rosalie said, her palms facing up.

“Well, then what?” I asked, exasperated. “Tell me, because I don‟t know what you want from me.”

“You said you were married,” Alice said quietly.

“I am.”

“No… you‟re not,” Emmett said.

I looked at Alice.

“Is she not the best friend you will ever have?”

“Always,” Alice said fiercely.

“Emmett, will you not always think of her as your sister?”

“Of course I will. Of course.”

“Well, she will always be my wife. Understand that.”

It was quiet, while we all digested the exchange.

“Come on, there‟s somewhere we need to be,” Rosalie said, fishing the keys from Emmett‟s pocket.

“Can‟t I – I really want to go home,” I said.

“No. This is important,” Rosalie said.

-

Twenty minutes later, we were in front of a cemetery.

I drew a shaky breath. I‟d never been here before.

“I don‟t know if I can.”

“Of course you can,” Rosalie said. Emmett looked at me and nodded his head.

“S‟okay,” he said. I nodded back, trying to reassure myself.

Alice and Rosalie held hands and led the way. There was a sick sense of excitement. I didn‟t know

what I expected, but suddenly, I was glad to be there.

“Here we are,” Alice said, stopping. She stepped aside, and my eyes fell on her name etched in the
smooth granite. It was small, rectangular and too understated for everything that lay beneath it.

Somehow, I wanted this stone to convey everything she was. I wanted more.

My eyes closed, and I slowly shook my head.

“All right?” Emmett clapped his hand on my back.

“Yeah,” I said and reluctantly opened my eyes. Alice and Rose were sitting on either side of the
stone, their hands still clasped together, Bella between them. I noticed fresh flowers surrounding
the stone.

“Did you guys do this?” I asked the girls, leaning down to touch a flower.

“Yeah… Well, we all take turns. Once a week, someone comes by to bring flowers and… be alone

with her. It was actually Esme‟s idea,” Rosalie said.

“How long have you been doing this?”

“Well… a year now,” Alice said quietly.

“Ever since?”

“Ever since.”

Shame burned inside of me. I felt like I‟d neglected her. I‟d gone and lived my pathetic existence,
not once considering coming here. All the while my friends and family were here, being with her,

bringing flowers.

“Thank you,” I said.

“We love her.” Alice shrugged.

I knelt down and let my shaky fingers touch the stone. I wanted her with me. I was tired.
Exhausted of living without her. It abruptly occurred to me that there was no way I could live the
next fifty years like this. I couldn‟t just wait for something that would never come. I couldn‟t move

forward, either. I was stuck.

“I can‟t do this anymore,” I said out loud, conviction in my voice. “I can‟t be like this. The thing is,
I can‟t get past it, either.”

“You have to get through it, Edward. You keep trying to fling yourself past it, but it doesn‟t work
like that,” Jasper said.

“Every plan I‟ve ever made for the future was centered around her. Ever since I was a kid,
everything I did was with her in mind. Do any of you have any idea what it‟s like to lose the point
of your whole life? There is nothing for me. There‟s not even pain to focus on anymore. There is

nothing.”

“Don‟t say that,” Alice said. “There‟s us. There‟s your career, there‟s -”

“And all of it means nothing without her. It all just doesn‟t matter to me… because she‟s in here
and not with me,” I said, my palms on the ground in front of me.

“She‟s not in there,” Alice said.

“Spare me the „she lives in your heart‟ speech.”

“There is no speech. She‟s literally not in there,” Alice said bluntly.

“Alice, not now,” Emmett said.

“No, if he‟s going to deal with this, let‟s deal with it for real,” she said harshly.

“What are you talking about?” My heart beat faster.

“They never recovered her remains. There was a fire. Several bodies were never found, including
Bella‟s.”

I stood up. My mind was swimming, trying to recall the particulars of her injuries… but I came up
with nothing. Nobody‟d ever told me. I‟d never asked. My feet were heavy over her empty grave.

“So… they just… How come nobody told me?”

“You never asked for details. We thought it might make it worse. In the end, we figured it didn‟t

matter much… Either way… she was dead.”

Alice was the only one to speak. The others stared at me like I had a bomb strapped to my chest.

“We were wrong, Edward. I see that now.”

Chapter 4.

BPOV

I sat straight up in bed, perspiring in a cold sweat, my heart pounding.

Another dream featuring the beautiful, bronze haired man. He wore the same, crooked smile he
had in all of my dreams. His hand was extended out to me. I wanted to go to him, but I couldn‟t
move my feet. Then I woke up. I let my breathing slow and automatically raised my hand up to my

forehead, under my bangs, to stroke the scar.

“Jackie? You all right?” Jacob stood over me, looking worried, holding a glass of water.

“I‟m fine. Just another dream.” I shrugged. Jacob knew I had vivid dreams, but I‟d never told him

about the beautiful man in them. It seemed too personal.

“Well… you should try to sleep. We have work tomorrow.” He kissed the top of my head, and I
smiled up at him. He grinned and turned to click the light off. I couldn‟t sleep, so I did what I did
most sleepless nights. I recalled my earliest memories, which only reached about one year back,

and even those were pretty basic.

Flashback

Jacob’s face was the first thing I saw, when I opened my eyes. He looked relieved. He asked me
questions, none of which I could answer. Days went by, a tribal doctor came in every day. He
explained he combined his knowledge of Western and Indian medicine to treat me. I was confused,
but grateful that everyone was so kind and patient. I never really questioned anything. I couldn’t
form really coherent thoughts.

Jacob was constantly at my bedside. At first, we didn’t say much, but slowly, he let my story trickle
out. I was a survivor of a derailed train. I wouldn’t have believed it, but it was the only explanation
I had. He told me his tribe, who lived on the reservation, had helped with the clean up of the
massive amount of wreckage. The night after the accident, he was out, just walking, about a
quarter mile from the accident scene. He found me. I had been overlooked. The best he could tell
was that I had somehow managed to crawl away from the wreckage… or I was thrown on impact.
He ran me back to the reservation, carrying me in his arms. The doctor insisted Western medicine

alone would not save my life.

By the time I was almost healed, I was enjoying life on the reservation, particularly Jacob. His
family was now my family. I’d taken to doing their cooking and cleaning, being a caretaker of sorts.
Soon, I was referred to as an honorary tribe member. I didn’t know my name, and it wasn’t long
before the moniker ‘Jacob’s sidekick’ wasn’t cutting it anymore. We’d all settled on Jackie, as it was
close to the name ‘Jacob’, and I was, after all, his female counterpart. We were a lot alike - we
shared a similar sense of humor and interests. Things were easy and fun with Jacob. I felt safe and
protected when I was with him. I was happy… He was my best friend and… more. I knew he was
falling in love with me, and I wasn’t opposed to it. I wasn’t in love with Jacob, but I did care for

him very much. I was sure in time, I would fall in love with him. It just hadn’t happened yet.

One morning, Jacob walked into my room, his face was grim, but he was trying to hide it.

“We have to talk,” he said, sitting on my bed.

“Okay.”

“Jackie, we have to find out about you… about where you come from… who you are.”

“Why?” I asked, panic already building. I was safe and happy here. I didn’t want to know anything

else, to know another life.

“Because! Because people probably miss you and love you -”

“But they’d be strangers to me!” I was horrified at the thought.

“Jackie, you have parents, maybe siblings, maybe -” I cut him off, knowing what was coming next.

“Then why wouldn’t they be looking for me? If I was loved, why weren’t they trying to find me?” I

challenged.

“Maybe they think you’re dead,” he shot back.

“Well, they certainly never found a body, did they? I’ve yet to see my picture on the news. I

haven’t seen a frantic family, pleading for my safe return!”

“We can’t know anything for certain,” he said.

“I know for certain I am safe and happy here. With you. I know I am loved.”

His jaw tightened, and he raked a hand through his glossy, black hair.

“This can’t be… legal,” he sighed, but he looked relieved.

“Of course it is. Nobody is keeping me here against my will. This is my home.”

“It is,” he conceded.

The truth was, I was scared. What if my life hadn’t always been good? What if I wasn’t, in fact,

safe or loved? What if I was some kind of despicable person?

I briefly considered what Jacob had said. If people loved me and missed me, they would surely be
moving on by now. It was safer to stick to the sure thing. I had a guarantee of happiness here.

“Well… do you want a job?” Jacob grinned.

“Absolutely,” I smiled back.

That’s how I started tending the only bar on the reservation. My family owned the bar, so it was

easy to skip all of the pesky information asked on the unnecessary application.

Social Security Number? No clue.

Job history? No idea.

Convicted of a felon? Not entirely sure.

Jacob and I laughed, as I filled it out, making a joke of it, the way we always did.

“You don’t have to bother with that. The job is yours,” Jacob said.

“I know, but it makes me feel normal.”

“Whatever you say… but you’re far from normal,” he mocked.

“You’re right. What normal person would hang out with you?”

“Ha ha. Finish this, so we can go,” he said.

“Okay, boss.” I returned my attention to the application.

Married? Uh… No.

Children? My hand hesitated over the yes/no boxes. I hadn’t thought of that possibility. I supposed
I was old enough to have children, but I wasn’t even sure of my exact age. Then again, I wasn’t
sure of my sexual history, either. I hoped I wasn’t the type of person who had sex without love…
and I refused to believe I would not remember some great love. Thus I deduced, no children. I felt

Jacob’s eyes on me and quickly checked the no box.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

-

That was months ago.

Jacob and I had fun working at the bar, where the only patrons were family and friends. Very
occasionally, we got a few out of towners in or lost travelers looking for directions. Which is why it
was so odd when one afternoon, I looked up from the bar to see five strangers settling in a round

table in the back of the bar.

EPOV

“I want to see where it happened,” I told Alice over the phone. She was still in shock that I called

her. I never called anyone.

“Wait. I‟m still stuck on the fact that you know how to dial a phone.”

“Funny.”

“Well, to be honest… it is odd for you to call me. But I‟m thrilled you -”

“Surprise! I can use a phone. But right now, I need you to tell me exactly where it happened.”

“Where what happened?”

“The accident.”

She was silent.

“I need to see it,” I said.

“There‟s nothing to see, Edward. Everything is gone. There‟s nothing there.”

How fitting.

“I want to see it anyway.”

“Today?” she asked meaningfully.

“Today.” The date was not lost on me. It was our one year anniversary. Still, that wasn‟t why it
had to be today, that was just a rotten coincidence. I just woke up, needing to see it, but not

knowing why.

“We‟re coming with you,” she informed me.

“Fine.” There was no point in arguing.

“Well, let me call Emmett and Rose… We‟ll pick you up,” she sighed, going against her better

judgement.

-

Emmett pulled into a dive bar on the Indian reservation.

“What are you doing?” I asked impatiently. I didn‟t want to prolong this.

“Well, I, for one, will need a stiff drink before we do this,” Emmett said.

“Ditto,” Jasper said.

“Then I drive the rest of the way,” Rosalie said.

“Deal,” Emmett agreed.

We piled out of the Jeep and followed. We walked in the door and stuck out like a sore thumb. It
was full of reservation residents, some who nodded a surprised hello. We sat in the back and tried
unsuccessfully to blend in. It was uncomfortable for us, except for Emmett, who felt right at home

everywhere he went. He struck up a conversation with an old man at the table next to ours.

“What brings you to our reservation?” the old man asked.

“Ah, my little brother here wanted to check out the scene of that train wreck that happened last

year.”

“Sorry, kids, nothin‟ much to see. I‟d say you‟re a little late for gawking,” he chuckled. “Though we

did have quite a bit for a while.”

My stomach dropped. I felt sick. People gawking… at her death.

“Well, it‟s more than gawking. Edward here is one of the infamous three who survived,” Emmett

said proudly.

The man froze, his drink half way to his lips.

“Lucky me,” I said dryly.

The man half stood in his chair.

“Jake… Jake, come on over here,” he called.

A tall, Indian kid appeared next to the old man. His considerable arms were across his chest. I

didn‟t like him.

“Everything all right, Harry?” he asked, eyeing our table.

“Sure. I just, uh… wanted you to meet my new friends. Edward over here is one of our lucky

three.”

I wasn‟t surprised people were intrigued by me. One of the three survivors, a walking miracle, the
newly married widower. Once people knew who I was, I tended to get a lot of unsolicited attention.

And questions. I couldn‟t deal with any of that today.

“I‟ll go get our drinks,” I said, standing up.

“No! No… let me,” Jake said quickly. He looked nervous.

I was an accident victim, not the president. This was odd.

Jake listened to our drink orders, nodding nervously the whole time. His eyes kept darting to the

bar. Suddenly, he turned to Harry.

“Hey, Harry, why don‟t you go tell Jackie to take her break now?”

Harry got up.

“So… the train. Wow,” Jake said, staring at me.

“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up,” I said, wanting him to leave.

“You‟re married,” he said abruptly, looking at my ring.

Was this guy serious?

“Look, buddy, can we just get our drinks?” Jasper said.

“Sure, sure,” he said, but he hesitated by our table. “Was, ah… was your wife on the train?” He

didn‟t look curious or even insensitive. He looked scared.

Emmett stood up at the same time I did.

“It‟s very… hard,” Rosalie offered to Jake in a feeble attempt to calm Emmett down.

I moved to walk out the door.

“Don‟t follow. Just give me a minute. I‟m fine,” I told them.

Jake stepped forward to follow me.

Emmett stepped in front of him.

“What‟s your problem?” I heard Emmett ask.

“Your friend cannot go out there,” Jake said. He sounded desperate.

“What the hell kind of place is this?!” Jasper yelled.

Then I heard another voice behind me, and my heart stopped.

BPOV

“Why don‟t you go ahead and take a break now, Jackie?” Harry said. I looked at the watch Jake
bought me.

“Don‟t be silly, Harry. It‟s only 16:00.”

“Well, I need some help out front, so -”

“What‟s going on back there?” I interrupted him. I noticed him talking to the table of strangers
earlier, but I got curious when I heard him call Jake over.

“Oh, nothing… Kids. Jake‟s getting their orders.”

“It doesn‟t look like nothing.” It looked intense. The three men were all standing now, one with his
back to me, headed for the door. I worried for Jake. He was strong and capable, but there were
three of them.

“I‟m going to see what‟s going on,” I said and stepped out from behind the bar.

“No, honey, stay put. Jake will take care of it.”

The big guy asked Jacob what his problem was.

That was it.

I made my way to the back of the bar.

I got there, just as the blonde guy was insulting my family‟s bar.

“What the hell kind of place is this?” he spat.

“The kind of place that is family owned and operated, and doesn‟t appreciate drunk outsiders

coming in and starting trouble,” I said, my hands on my hips.

“What. The. Fuck?” the big guy said.

He was staring at me like I just announced I could raise the dead. They all were.

Chapter 5.

BPOV

“Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?” the blonde guy asked.

“No, but if you‟re looking for one, you‟re in the wrong place,” I said.

Everything was silent. The entire bar was staring, and an odd feeling overtook me. It didn‟t feel like

an average bar fight.

The guy with his back to me doubled over, clutching his stomach.

“If he‟s gonna be sick, get him out of here,” I said.

Nobody moved. Jake put his hand on my back.

“Jackie, go -”

“Bella? Is that you?” a tiny black haired girl asked.

No. I prayed this wasn‟t what I thought it was.

She was crying and as white as a ghost.

“I‟m Jackie,” I said, sure to put a hard edge to my voice. My hand reached up under my bangs
automatically to touch my scar, a nervous habit.

“It‟s her,” the blonde girl whispered. “It‟s you.”

“It‟s not her,” the blonde guy said, shaking his head. “There‟s no way. No way.”

“I don‟t know who you think I am, but… I‟m not, so please just -”

“Leave,” Jacob finished.

They all just stared at me, some with tears in their eyes, all of them white as sheets.

Suddenly, the guy with his back to me straightened up and turned around.

The air left my lungs.

He was beautiful… and familiar - the face in my dreams.

His thick, bronze hair was longer than in the visions in my dreams. It was more disheveled, and he

looked thinner, gaunt.

But his eyes.

Those intense, green eyes were the same eyes that haunted me in my sleep.

Out of nowhere, the big guy shoved Jacob.

“What the fuck is going on?! What have you done?!” he roared at him.

That was it.

Chaos broke out around me. My friends and family descended in on their table, there was shoving
and yelling, and I heard the girls screaming.

I heard Jake‟s voice yelling at me to go in the back, but I couldn‟t see him through the confusion.

The cluster of tangled people slowly moved to the door.

The whole time, I felt those green eyes on me.

Eventually, the crowd passed through the door, and the yelling slightly muted.

I stood between the table and the door.

The blonde girl was still sitting, frozen. Her feisty friend had gotten tangled in the shoving.

On the other side of me, he hadn‟t moved at all. I turned to escape to the back.

“Don‟t go,” the girl said quietly, coming out of her daze.

“Look, I‟m sorry. You guys seem… mistaken. I‟m not whoever you guys are looking for. Jackie,” I

said, poking my chest. The girl threw a helpless glance to her stunning, bronze haired friend.

“It‟s her… I‟d know her from anywhere,” he whispered, and the certainty in his voice made me sick.

I gulped.

Outside, the scuffle quieted.

“Baby?” he said softly and reached out a hand to me. I took a step back. He bit his lip and stared

pensively at me. “What did they do to you?”

“Who? My family?” I asked, trying to wipe the fear from my throat.

“Those people aren‟t your family,” the blonde girl said.

“You people are delusional. Go look for your dead friend somewhere else.”

“You aren‟t Indian,” she said.

“What I am is none of your business.”

“You don‟t recognize us?” she asked.

“You‟re only just now getting that?” I was being rude and callous to people who were clearly in

pain. I hated doing it, but I was too scared of the alternative.

“Were you in that train wreck? Last year?” she asked.

I stopped breathing.

There it was.

The moment I had been dreading for the past year, my biggest fear.

This was my past coming back for me.

EPOV

Her muscles tensed when Rose asked about the train. Before she could answer, the door swung
open, and Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Jacob walked in. The rest of the mob wasn‟t with them.
Without a word, Alice flung herself at Bella, throwing her arms around her neck. Bella‟s arms hung

at her sides, her face blank.

“She doesn‟t know us, Alice,” Rosalie said.

“I know that. But she will,” Alice said, releasing Bella.

She doesn’t know us.

Bella doesn’t know me.

Of the thousands of dreams and fantasies I‟d had regarding this miracle, not once had I imagined

this.

“We need to sit down and figure this out,” Jasper said warily, not convinced she was here.

“There‟s nothing to figure out. You people busted in here, accused me of being someone I‟m not,

and now you can leave,” she said.

Emmett stared at her, wide-eyed.

“Even dead, you‟re stubborn.”

“I‟m not dead!” she yelled.

Jake put his arm around her shoulders.

My stomach rolled.

Oh, no.

No.

No. No. No.

“Who the hell are you?” I asked him.

“I‟m her boyfriend,” he said, pulling her closer, confirming my fears. “Who the hell are you?”

“I‟m her husband.”

In true Bella fashion, she fainted.

BPOV

I knew I hadn‟t been out long this time. Maybe two, three minutes. I was in Jacob‟s arms.

“She‟s fine. It happens a lot,” he said, as my eyes fluttered open.

“I know,” I heard Green Eyes say.

-

“If you people care about me like you say you do, you will leave, let me be happy. Just please,
leave me alone. I‟m not the girl you all loved. She doesn‟t exist anymore. So just… please.”

Their faces were so contorted with pain, I wasn‟t sure what they were going to do. We‟d been
sitting at the table for over an hour, making no progress. I refused to answer their questions, to

consider anything they said.

“She‟s tired… Can‟t we just stop for now?” Jacob asked.

“There‟s something else,” Jasper said, looking at me.

“What?” I was drained from the last hour. I‟d just begged them not to call the police, not to tell this

Charlie Swan that I existed. They hadn‟t said they wouldn‟t.

“You‟re married… still,” Jasper said, looking at my supposed husband, who hardly said anything at

all.

“No, no, according to… Well, everything, I‟m dead. Can‟t we just keep it that way?” I asked,

goosebumps covering my arms.

“No,” Emmett said. “After the accident, we couldn‟t get a death certificate. If there is no body, you

cannot be declared legally dead for seven years. You‟re married, sweetheart. Congratulations.”

I stared across the table at Edward‟s wedding band. I couldn‟t see his face; it was buried in his

shaking hands.

“I… I want a divorce,” I said.

Rosalie looked at me, her eyes red and swollen.

“Bella -”

“Jackie.”

She said nothing else.

They had all been crying, yelling, except for the black haired girl, Alice. She just stared at me and

smiled, like we shared a secret or something. It was unnerving.

“Anyway,” I said, breaking the silence, “we don‟t even… You don‟t know me, Edward. So… I do…

Want a divorce, I mean.”

“Fine,” he said.

He stood up, the chair he was sitting on falling back. He didn‟t bother to pick it up, as he walked

past it, out the door.

They all followed him, and I was relieved.

EPOV

I threw up as soon as I was in the parking lot.

How?

How?

How is this possible? She’s alive? She doesn’t know me? How?

After all this time, she was right there! This whole year, my life was nothing, and here she was. I

could reach out and touch her, a concept that only a few hours ago, was beyond insane.

And yet, I felt worse.

This was hell.

She wasn‟t in Heaven, waiting to be with me again. I was no longer just biding time until we were

together again. She was here, yet not.

So, if her body was here, so clearly not dead, but occupied by a different mind, where was my

Bella?

Lost forever.

No hope remained for me at all. Not even after my own death would I be with her as I‟d been

secretly hoping for, waiting for.

“Get back in there!” Emmett yelled, grabbing my arm.

“For what? That‟s not her.”

“Yes, it is,” Rosalie said.

“My Bella is not in there,” I said, my hands pulling on my hair, my chest heaving. “This is worse…

knowing she… It was better when she was dead.”

Alice was in my face in a flash.

She wound her arm back and slapped me with all the strength in her little body, which was more

than I would‟ve imagined.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled and caught her wrist.

“Don‟t you ever say that, Edward Cullen! She is in there! Somewhere… she‟s in there, I know it!
You cannot shut down now, Edward. You cannot afford to be a coward right now! She needs you.
She doesn‟t know it, but she does, so don‟t you dare walk away! Don‟t give up on her!” Alice

yelled, tears streaming down her face.

And I knew she was right.

I had to fight for her.

I had to get her back.

My life depended on it.

Without a word, I walked back toward the bar and swung the door open. My mind whooshed when
I saw her face again and I tried not to flinch, when I saw Jacob‟s hand over hers. She looked up at

me, nervous, uncomfortable, but not surprised.

I could still read her like a book.

BPOV

He was suddenly back in the bar, standing over us. His green eyes were blazing, and his strong jaw

was set like stone.

“I said „enough for today‟,” Jacob said, standing up.

“What are you going to do, Jacob? Hit me? You can‟t hurt me, I‟m already dead,” he said, not
taking his eyes from me. “I died with you… and if you‟re in there somewhere, I have to get you

back, because it‟s the only way I can come back to life too.”

“Edward… you don‟t even know me,” I said weakly, shocked by his words.

Then he did something completely unexpected.

He laughed.

“I don‟t know you? That‟s rich.”

“Look, I‟m not that person anym-”

“Retrograde amnesia. That is what is going on. You have retrograde amnesia. You cannot recall
events or people, but in usual cases, the general foundation of personality remains in tact. Likes,
dislikes, preferences…”

“What are you, a doctor?” Jacob asked sarcastically.

“Yes,” Edward said.

I married a doctor?

“We don‟t even know who you are! You could be some kind of freak -” Jacob got cut off. Edward

was staring at me.

“You‟re allergic to green pepper. Your favorite flowers are tulips, but you prefer the scent of
freesias. You don‟t file your nails, you bite them. You have a completely unfounded and ridiculous
fear of tidal waves. You will watch any reality television, even if it‟s crap. You hate jazz, you brush
your teeth in the shower, there is a mole under your left breast, and you can‟t fall asleep if you
don‟t have your socks on. If you watch a horror movie, you have to sleep with the light on for the
next three nights, you fall down at least once a day, and there is a scar on you abdomen. Wanna
know why? You had your appendix out when you were twenty years old, I know, because I didn‟t
leave your side the entire time. So, Jackie, don‟t tell me I don‟t know you. I know everything about

you.”

I sat there, my mouth hanging open.

He‟d been right. About all of it.

Even the tidal waves… Jacob didn‟t even know that.

And my scar! I had my appendix out. Finally, one mystery solved.

Yet, all of this didn‟t change the fact that I didn‟t know him at all.

It was disorienting, scary even, that this man knew me, all of these private things about me.

I was disturbed.

“Get out,” Jake said.

“One more thing,” Edward said smirking. This guy was confident. “No divorce.”

“What?” I gasped, glancing at Jake for help.

“You can‟t stop her from divorcing you,” Jake said.

“No… but I can make it very difficult and long.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“I have to.” He shrugged. “For my own survival… I have to.” He sounded sorry. “I don‟t want to

hurt you. Ever. Just trust -”

“Trust you? I don‟t even know you! All I know is you came in here and started ripping my life

apart!”

“That‟s funny,” he said. “I could say the same thing about you.”

“You won‟t ruin our lives,” Jacob said.

“Look, Jacob, I have nothing to lose. Nothing. Yet, I have everything to gain, so I‟m going to fight

hard for it, because I know how amazing it is.”

Jacob glared at him, I saw his fists clench.

“You should be pissed,” Edward said, noticing Jacobs fists. “You have everything to lose. Believe

me, I know first hand.”

“Stop,” I said. “It‟s too much.”

“Too much? Baby, you‟re boyfriend over there is a kidnapper! He shouldn‟t have ever let this get so
far. He should‟ve -”

“No! I begged him not to,” I said, trying to protect Jake. “I want to stay with him! He tried to -”

“He didn‟t try hard enough,” Edward said. “And he knows it.”

“Please… just go now,” I said, knowing I couldn‟t hear anymore.

He grabbed a piece of chalk from the dart scoreboard and scrawled something on the blackboard.

“This is our address and my phone number. Call me when you want some answers about yourself.
I‟m the only one whose got „em,” he said, tapping his temple. He slid his ring off of his finger and

tossed it on the table. It made a plinking sound.

“Hold onto that for me,” he said and walked out the door.

Chapter 6.

EPOV

On the ride home, the Jeep was filled with intense… emotion. There were spurts of loud talking and
excitement, then silent lulls, while all of us tried to take this in, what it meant, and what we would

do next.

I was confident when I left her there, staring at my ring, that she would call. Not necessarily
because she wanted to or because she wanted me, but because she would not be able to help

herself.

Somewhere between Alice slapping me and walking through that door again, I realized I had the
upper hand. I knew her personality and her instincts so well that I could predict her reaction to
every move I would make. If I would‟ve stayed and pressured her, she would‟ve gotten angry and

more distant. If I begged, she would‟ve gotten scared.

So I left, but before I did, I planted a seed of curiosity in her mind. I offered her answers to all of
the questions I knew she had been pondering this past year. Any average person would be starving

for these answers as well.

But Bella?

It would eat at her.

It would drive her crazy, knowing the answers were right there for her. All she had to do was ask.

On her own terms, she‟d come to me. I was sure of it.

I was at a great advantage, I knew her better than she knew herself, and I intended to use it.

“How are we going to tell Charlie?” Rosalie asked, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

“We‟re not,” I said.

“What?! Cop? Gun?! Any of this ringing a bell?” Emmett asked, wide-eyed.

“Don‟t be stupid, Edward. Of course we‟re going to tell him,” Jasper said.

“No. Nobody says anything to Charlie. Not yet,” I said.

“If we don‟t tell him, we‟re just as bad as Jacob. Worse,” Jasper said.

I ignored him, pushing the creeping guilt out of my mind. I couldn‟t be compared to Jacob.

“He‟ll go there. He‟ll go in there and yank her out of there, and she‟ll hate us all. Jacob would get
arrested -”

“And that would be bad?” Emmett asked. “I could think of a lot worse that asshole deserves.”

“So can I. But it‟ll piss her off… Look, I hate not being able to rip his head off, okay?”

“Wanna go back?” Emmett asked, slowing the car.

“No,” I sighed. “Look, she is completely overwhelmed and scared. She feels safe there with him. If
we bring Charlie into this, she‟ll take off. They‟ll leave. Or she could regress physically, or mentally.

We just… have to wait. Work on building her trust. She‟ll come around,” I said, but it was killing me
to have to behave so rational.

“He‟s right,” Alice said.

“But how do you know?” Jasper asked.

“Because… because it‟s still her, just without memories, and I know her as well as I know myself,”

I told him.

“How long do we wait? This can‟t go on forever,” Jasper said, looking uneasy.

“It won‟t. She‟ll remember,” Alice said, beaming.

“I don‟t know, you guys…” Jasper said.

“It‟s like the poem,” Alice shrugged.

We all waited for an explanation.

“The wedding poem? „For I must live because I live and life in me is what you give.‟ Don‟t you see
it? Of course Bella is alive… If she hadn‟t survived, Edward wouldn‟t have either, and vice versa. He
gives her life. It‟s very simple. She can try, but she can‟t fight fate forever. She‟ll be back, because
Edward is alive.”

We stared at her.

“What? It might sound crazy, but it‟s true. Look, Bella picked that poem, because she believed in it.

She may not know it, but she still does.”

I nodded at Alice. I could use all the support I could get.

It might be romanticizing the situation, but she was right.

Bella and I belonged together.

She couldn‟t fight fate forever, and I had nothing but time.

The car was quiet, until Emmett broke the silence.

“Alice, that is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard.”

BPOV

“Married?!” I said, kicking off my shoes at the door. “Please! That guy is a nut! Married… Well, if
it‟s true, and I highly doubt it is, I am getting a divorce!” I fumed. I‟d ranted all the way home to

Jacob, while he was uncharacteristically quiet.

I, on the other hand, was petrified.

Obviously, this guy knew me. Everything he said… and my dreams.

But married?

Jacob could be right. Edward could be some kind of psycho… But why was my gut telling me
otherwise?

I looked up at Jacob. He looked devastated.

“Oh, Jake, I‟m not going anywhere. Those people -”

“It‟s true.”

“What?”

“It‟s true. You‟re married to that guy.”

“Just because some guy with a ring shows up -”

“Hang on. I‟ll be right back,” Jake said quietly. Then he left the room.

When he came back, he was holding a small box and he wouldn‟t look me in the eye.

“Jake, everything is going to be okay… I promise,” I said, hoping to sound reassuring.

Jacob fished around in his pocket and pulled out the ring Edward left on the table. I was going to
leave it there, but I saw Jake snatch it up and put it in his pocket before we left. Jacob opened the
box he had retrieved from the other room, and took something out. Wordlessly, he walked to me

and opened my clenched fist. He dropped two rings on my palm. I gaped down at them.

They matched.

Edwards was heavier, thicker, and the one Jacob pulled from the box was daintier, feminine… For a
woman. The bigger ring was duller, not as shiny as the smaller one. It had a tiny knick on the band
and it looked… Well, like someone had been wearing it for a year. The smaller ring was shiny, fresh
on one half, but I noticed dried blood crusted over part of it. But… they matched. The simple

etching around the rings was identical.

“Jake, where did you get this?” I asked. I wanted him to lie to me. He didn‟t.

“It‟s yours. We had to take it off of you… You know,” he said, still not meeting my eyes.

“You never - you knew?” I asked. I wasn‟t sure how I felt.

Maybe angry.

Maybe sad.

Maybe betrayed.

Maybe loved.

“I was never sure of anything. I knew you wore a ring, that was the only thing I was sure of.”

“You just… kept this? From me?”

“Jackie, it‟s not like that. I wasn‟t sneaking around, hiding the ring. I just never found the right
time and whenever I tried to bring up the possibilities of your past, you‟d get mad! Or you‟d get
sad, and… I wasn‟t even sure what to tell you. I wasn‟t sure you were married… Then that guy
walked in, and I saw his ring… They were the same. They said he was in the train wreck, and then

I knew for sure.”

He looked up at me, tears brimming on his lids, and he looked ashamed, but all I could see was the
face of my savior. I wasn‟t sure if I should be angry or not. All I knew was Jacob saved my life last

year, and his feelings for me were genuine and true. I couldn‟t be mad at him.

“Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath.

“Okay?” he asked, incredulous.

“Yeah. It‟s okay… I‟m tired, though, and I think I‟d like to be alone right now.”

“Sure, sure. But Jackie? Don‟t you think we should talk about this?”

“We will, Jake, but I just need to think right now.”

“Don‟t hate me, Jackie.”

Hate him?

I could never hate Jacob.

“Never, Jake. I‟m not even mad at you. How could I blame you? Look, this whole thing is crazy.
There is no right or wrong in this situation. You did what you thought was best for me. You may

even have been right too. I don‟t know what I would‟ve done, if the situation were reversed.”

“I love you, Jackie.” He‟d never said that before.

“I know, Jacob.”

He nodded his head and left the room.

I stood there with the rings in my hand and wondered what else he kept from me.

-

Sleep was not going to come. I sat on my bed, still dressed, still confused. I stared at the rings in

my hand, trying to make myself remember.

Nothing.

The questions. Every question I‟d had about myself bounced around in my mind, screaming for
answers. When is my birthday? Have I ever been to Italy? Mexico? Do I even have a passport? Am
I nice? Did I have a pet? Where was I born? What was I doing with my life… before it was

interrupted? Do I have a best friend? Have I always hated popcorn?

When these answers were nonexistent, I used to make them up, created a history for myself. But
now… they were so accessible. I could have real answers. All I had to do was ask and poof! They‟d
be there.

The temptation was too much.

I knew I shouldn‟t go to him. It would give him false hope, and he was already in such pain… But I
needed this. I hadn‟t asked for this any more than he had, so why should I deny myself my
history? It was mine, and I was going to get it.

I tossed the rings on my dresser and crept passed Jake‟s room. The light was on, but it was quiet,
though I was sure he wasn‟t sleeping. I was quiet, so he wouldn‟t hear me. I didn‟t want to tell him
where I was going. He would insist on coming, and I wasn‟t even sure I wanted to hear what

Edward had to say.

What if I had been awful? What if he’d say I’d done horrible things? I had to do this alone. I
grabbed Jake‟s keys from the hook where he kept them, and slipped out the door.

-

I sat in the car and stared at his house. I once lived there, but nothing seemed remotely familiar. I
wanted to turn around and go home to Jacob, but I‟d already made up my mind and I couldn‟t turn
back now. I needed this.

I took a deep breath and got out of the car. On shaky legs, I stood on the porch and hesitantly
tapped on the door. It opened immediately, and he was there, stunning and smiling and not the
least bit surprised to see me on his porch in the middle of the night.

Well, at least I always had good taste in men.

EPOV

Just like I knew she would, Bella showed up in the middle of the night. I‟d waited for her to show

up every night this past year. This time, she actually materialized. I was exhilarated.

“Come in,” I said and stepped aside. She took a step inside and held up her hand.

“This isn‟t a social call. I want answers,” she said, trying to sound tough. She was scared.

“Got it,” I said and turned to lead the way to the living room. I tried to keep my distance from her,

to keep my elation from her… but it was hard.

“Do you want to sit?” I asked. I knew she didn‟t, but her legs were shaking. She sat.

“I like your couch…” she said, looking lost.

“You should. You picked it out.”

She looked stricken, then quickly tried to mask it.

“When‟s my birthday?” she asked abruptly.

“November 17th.”

“Where was I born?”

“Forks, Washington.”

“I‟ve never heard of it,” she said to herself.

“Well, your parents divorced when you were young, just a few months. Your mother, her name was

Renee, kept you in Forks. Charlie moved to Arizona.”

“My mother?”

“She died when you were nine. Cancer. You moved to Arizona to live with Charlie.” I watched her

face, as she took this in.

“My mother is dead?”

“Yeah. I can try to tell you about her, but I never met her. I know what you told me, though,” I

said gently and slowly.

“Maybe later,” she said, her eyes closed. It hurt her more than she expected. I sat on the other
end of the couch and tried not to touch her.

“Do I travel?” she asked, getting off of the family subject.

“Sure. We‟ve been all over. You really don‟t like being near the ocean, though, because of -”

“Tidal waves,” she cut me off, and I had to smile.

“Yeah, tidal waves.”

“Do I have a pet?”

I laughed, and she looked at me, puzzled.

“Uh… No. We thought about a dog, but decided to try our luck with a fish first. You killed it, and the

dog idea went out the window.”

“I killed it?”

“You knocked over the fishbowl. You‟re kind of accident prone. After that, you declared yourself an
unfit pet owner. You used to worry about the safety of our future children,” I smiled, remembering

so much that I hadn‟t allowed myself to in the past year.

Her mouth was pressed in a tight line, and I knew the mention of us sharing children frightened

her.

“Sorry,” I said.

“It‟s okay. I, um… Can I use the bathroom? I just need a second,” she said. Before I could open my
mouth, she was on her feet. I stayed silent and watched her walk down the hall, past two doors

and into the third door down on the right, directly into the bathroom.

I hadn‟t told her where it was.

After a few minutes, she came out. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks tear stained.

I smiled at her.

“What?”

“I didn‟t tell you where the bathroom was. You just knew.”

She opened her mouth, then shut it.

We stared at each other, until she broke the silence.

“Can I look? Around the house? I really… don‟t want to hear any more right now.”

“Of course you can look. It‟s yours.”

I watched her walk from room to room. Occasionally, her fingers would brush across a knick knack
or a piece of furniture. As I watched her, a surreal feeling overtook me.

Bella was here. In our home. It was so right and familiar to me, like she was a fixture that
completed my home. Yet, she looked lost. All of these rooms and everything that filled them were

new to her. She touched things carefully and hesitantly, as if they would disappear at any moment.

“Can I?” she asked at the bottom of the stairs.

“You don‟t have to ask. Come on.” And I led the way up the stairs.

By the time we got to our bedroom, she was feeling more comfortable. She opened doors and
drawers, picked things off shelves, studying them closely. She stopped at the nightstand on her

side of the bed. The side I never slept on. She opened the drawer, and her face turned bright red.

“Oh, gosh, I‟m sorry… I didn‟t realize you had a… That someone else…” she stammered. I went
over to her and looked over her shoulder, curious myself. I hadn‟t opened that drawer in a year; it
had always been Bella‟s drawer. I laughed when I saw what had her so embarrassed. Birth control
pills.

“They‟re yours,” I said.

“Oh! Oh. Really?”

“Yeah. I don‟t have… I haven‟t been with anyone else,” I told her. I didn‟t know why, but I just

wanted her to know.

“I was on the pill?”

I took that to mean she wasn‟t now. I wasn‟t sure what that meant exactly.

“Well, yeah. We were going to have kids after I was done with school, and we‟d been married a
while… But, you know, in the meantime…” I trailed off cautiously. I didn‟t want her to freak out

again.

“Oh. So… I guess I…” She was curious, dying for details, but too embarrassed to ask.

Classic Bella.

“What do you want to know?” I asked, trying to hide the smile creeping up on my face.

“Well… I guess… I mean, I don‟t know anything about my past, as far as that goes… I guess I

should,” she stammered, still staring at the pills.

I sat on the edge of the bed. She took a step back.

“Relax. I‟m not going to give you a demonstration,” I said.

“This isn‟t funny!” she said, but the corners of her mouth were twitching up.

“Admit it. This is a crazy situation,” I said, trying to get her over her embarrassment.

It was ludicrous. Bella, embarrassed about sex in front of me. If only she knew.

“It‟s crazy, but it‟s not funny. Now… just tell me… But don‟t look at me!” she said, her face still red.

“Well, where should I start?”

“The beginning,” she said solemnly.

Chapter 7.

EPOV

I took a deep breath and sifted through my memories; the same memories I spent the last twelve

months suppressing, but they came back vivid and in a rush.

“You were twelve, the first time we kissed. It was your first kiss… We were in my backyard, and my
older brother, Emmett… You remember him? The big, loud guy? He dared us to kiss… We‟ve been

making out ever since,” I said, smiling at the memory.

“I‟ve been with you that long?” she asked, her eyes wide.

“Yeah, since forever, pretty much.”

“Oh.” She looked surprised and shook her head, trying to shake loose a thought I couldn‟t quite

interpret.

“Tell me more.”

I knew what she was getting at.

“We were sixteen, the first time.” I stopped to gauge her reaction, to make sure she knew what I
was talking about. The red in her face deepened, but she didn‟t tell me to stop, so I kept talking.

“It was… Well, comical at best, I guess. You weren‟t nervous… It wasn‟t really planned or anything.
Between the two of us, we had zero experience, so… I don‟t know… We kind of learned from each
other,” I said, not having any idea how to explain something like this.

“Can I ask you something?” she asked, staring at her feet.

“Anything.”

“Okay… the thing is, there are like… things I‟ll never be able to get back. I can always take another
vacation and next year, I‟ll celebrate another birthday, but certain things can only happen once.

First kisses and you know… Virginity… Things like that are gone forever.”

She took a shaky breath, and I knew she was going to cry. She swallowed hard.

“You are the only person that can provide any kind of answer to these things… and I‟m not sure

why, but I need to know. So if… if you could… I guess I‟m asking you to be more specific.”

“I can do that,” I nodded, but I worried about what her breaking point would be.

“Thank you. But I want you to know that if it‟s too hard for you, you don‟t have to.”

“It‟s okay. Fire away,” I said, grinning at her.

“How many guys have I kissed?”

“Two. Myself and Mike Newton. But to be fair, you only kissed him to piss me off.”

She looked alarmed.

“We were fourteen.” I shrugged. “I had it coming anyway…”

“So you‟re the only guy I‟ve ever been with? I mean, I‟m not some kind of…”

“No. Just me, only me,” I said and I felt ashamed when I hoped it was still true. Jacob‟s face
flashed in my mind, and I tried to push it away. Now was not the time to get jealous.

“Did it… Well, did I say it hurt… I mean, I don‟t have much experience with this, and it‟s not like I
can re-live this one, you know? It‟s hard not to know things… about your own body.”

I could see then just how hard and awkward this was for her. To have to ask for your most private
memories would be humiliating, yet essential. My heart broke for her all over again.

I stood up and unbuttoned the top four buttons of my shirt and tugged at the collar to reveal the

top of my shoulder. She looked panicked.

“No!” I said, smiling. “Just come here, look.” I leaned down to show her a small, faded scar on my
shoulder, hoping if she saw something physical between us, she‟d feel more connected to me
somehow. She peered at my exposed shoulder from a safe distance.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Well, it‟s a bit of a battle wound from our first time. When - are you sure you want specific?”

She bit her lip and nodded.

“Okay. When I was first… You know, going in?” God, this was awkward. “You dug your nails into
my shoulders. I asked if you wanted me to stop. I could tell it hurt, but you said no, to keep
going… But the further I went, the more you dug your nails into me. It hurt like hell, for both of
us,” I mused, lost in my memory. “Our joke about the first time had always been that in the end,
we came out even. We were both bleeding and in pain. I hope I didn‟t offend you. You used to find
this wildly funny. That was something personal, just for us. Only we knew about that.”

I was suddenly lonely. I hadn‟t known how much I missed all of that, all of those intimate, private
moments that only we shared. I was alone. My other half, my secret keeper, the woman who knew

all of me so well was gone.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

“You‟re welcome.”

“Was I good to you? Like a good wife?”

“Well, we weren‟t married long. We were taking the train back from Vegas. We eloped the night

before -”

“That doesn‟t sound like me.”

“Well, it was my bright idea. I just didn‟t want to wait anymore. Believe me, I‟ve since learned to
be patient. Anyway, the ceremony didn‟t matter much. I considered you my wife long before that.

But to answer your question, yes. You, Bella, are the single best thing about my life.”

“Jackie.”

“What?”

“My name. It‟s Jackie.”

“Right.”

“Do we laugh a lot together?”

“Absolutely.”

“Do we fight a lot?”

“No. But when we do, it‟s… passionate.” I couldn‟t think of a better way to put it. We were both
stubborn. We didn‟t disagree often, but when we did, we didn‟t hold back. Well, Bella didn‟t hold

back anyway.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… there‟s yelling, and it usually ends with me groveling.”

She smiled, and my heart soared.

“So we were just married?”

“Yep. The best seventeen hours of my life.”

“What do we do for fun?”

Then it hit me.

I could never actually make her feel these memories. I could answer all of her questions in great

detail, but I could never make her feel the actual memories.

For fun, Bella liked to annoy me. She liked to do things like kick the newspaper I was reading, or
purposely sing the wrong lyrics to my favorite songs or flick me in the back and run away. How
could I explain to her those things? Those amazing, wonderful, miraculous things that made us us.

She had to feel them, and I couldn‟t do that for her.

BPOV

His mood changed suddenly. I wasn‟t surprised. I was being selfish. I knew this was painful for
him, more so than it was for me. It was ironic, the only person who could give me answers was the
one person it would hurt the most. Still, even though it was awful and embarrassing, I needed it,

even at his expense.

The night had been overwhelming. I hadn‟t expected to be so intrigued by the tiny things. Like
killing the fish or being on the pill. But I was. I was starving for those small, insignificant pieces of
my past. I wanted to know this woman. I wanted her childhood memories, her first crush, her first
lost tooth, her first time on an airplane, her first job, the car she drove, the soap she used… I

wanted to remember it.

And then there was Edward. This beautiful, patient man, who let me rummage through his home
and his mind. Edward, who took on this pain - pain that I couldn‟t even imagine - all so I could
have a few answers. I hadn‟t intended on asking about our sex life, but once I was there alone with
him, it just came out. Maybe because somewhere deep down, I trusted him or maybe because I
knew that through him was the only way I‟d ever know. Whatever the reason, I shocked myself
when I asked and then again when I asked for more. I couldn‟t help it, something about Edward
made me feel at ease.

“For fun, huh?” he asked. For some reason, this question bothered him. I decided to show mercy.

“Forget fun. What about friends? Those girls from the bar? Were they my friends?”

A small smile played on his perfect lips.

“Yeah. Alice is the dark haired girl, and Rosalie is the blonde. They were your best friends.”

“Oh.”

“You‟ve known each other since grade school. The three of you together is… Well, it‟s something.”

“Do you think that… maybe they‟d talk to me too? Like you did?”

I was apprehensive about asking. It was asking a lot to put people through this kind of pain,
especially when I had nothing to offer in return. Still, I‟d like to have a woman‟s perspective on me.
A friend‟s perspective. I‟d like to hear things I‟d told them in confidence. I‟d like to know what kind

of friend I was.

“I think they‟d be honored,” Edward said, smiling.

“Okay.” I noticed the sun was starting to come up, and I thought of Jacob.

“I have to go… Jake will be worried.”

Edward‟s smile faded, and the mood in the room shifted. I got defensive.

“I know what you think of him, and you‟re wrong. He saved my life.”

“I‟m not saying anything,” Edward said, his palms up. He didn‟t have to say anything; it was all

over his face.

“Look, he is a part of my life. Permanently. He tried to get me to find out about my past, but I

refused! I begged him to let me stay. He‟s a good man. He‟s my best friend.”

“Okay,” Edward said, but a smirk crept up on his face, and suddenly, I was infuriated.

“You don‟t know anything!” I yelled.

“I didn‟t say anything,” he said calmly. I got angrier.

“You didn‟t have to! It‟s written all over your face!”

“He knows what he did.” Edward shrugged.

“Yeah, he saved my life, he cared for me, he loves me!”

“I don‟t doubt any of that, but it doesn‟t make what he did right.”

“How dare you judge Jacob! He was in an awful situation and he did his best -”

“He hid my wife for a year!” He was finally getting upset.

“He didn‟t hide me! You act like it was some conspiracy. We were just living our lives and -”

“Are you saying Jacob never hid anything from you?”

I thought of the ring Jake pulled from the box earlier. Edward would never understand. He would

turn it into something sordid and sneaky, but somehow, I couldn‟t bring myself to lie to him.

“I‟m saying he is in love with me. He would never do anything to hurt me.”

“It‟s too bad you‟re not in love with him.”

The cocky bastard! Who the hell did he think he was?!

“Excuse me?!”

“I said „you‟re not in love with him‟.”

“You don‟t know what you‟re talking about.”

“Yes, I do.”

There is no way I ever loved this arrogant jerk.

“No, you don‟t.”

“I‟ve seen you in love. This thing with Jacob isn‟t it,” he said, waving his hand like Jacob was

nothing.

I gasped.

“You… Don‟t presume to know anything about my current personal life.”

“I‟m not presuming anything.”

The way he sat there, so sure, so calm and confident, made my blood boil. Before I knew what I

was doing, I shoved him.

Hard.

He barely moved.

I took a step back, embarrassed and shocked by my behavior. Jake and I argued before, but I‟d

never had such a reaction, and it scared me.

“I‟m so sorry. I -”

“That,” he said, “is what I meant by passionate.”

-

In the car on the way home, I cried. I mourned the dead mother I would never know, I cried for
every memory with her I would never feel. I cried, because I had to act so selfishly, I had to inflict
such pain on Edward. I cried for Jacob, who loved me and only tried to do right. I vowed to myself
he would never have to pay for my stubbornness. Before I left, Edward assured me he wouldn‟t go
to the police about Jake. I trusted that he wouldn‟t. If Jake got in trouble, it would be my fault. I

was the one who insisted on keeping my past sealed shut.

I was frightened when I thought of shoving Edward. I‟d never been that angry before. Something
about him lit a fire in me. He challenged me, called me out and pissed me off in a matter of
minutes. He made my heart pound and my mind race. He made me feel alive.

-

“Where‟ve ya been?” Jacob asked when I walked in the door.

“Oh, I had to go out.”

“In the middle of the night? Until morning?”

“Yes.”

“Did you go to him?”

I didn‟t want to tell Jake. It would hurt him, but I didn‟t want to keep anything from him, either.

“I had to, Jake. There‟s just things I needed to know.”

“Have you been crying? If he did something to hurt you…”

“He didn‟t do anything. It was just a lot to take in,” I sighed.

“Did he treat you all right?”

“Yeah. He was nice. Patient.” I omitted our argument. It would‟ve upset Jacob.

“Good. Jackie, you should‟ve told me where you were going. I mean, it could‟ve been dangerous.

You should have let me come.”

“I had to do it alone, Jake.”

“I understand you need answers. I get that you need to explore your past… but, geez, Jackie, I was

so worried!”

“I‟m sorry. I should‟ve let you know.”

“But you will next time?” He looked tired and strained. I felt ashamed of myself.

“Of course I will.”

“Okay. So… tell me about your old self. What did you find out?”

“Well,” I took a deep breath and sat on the couch. “My mother is dead.” And then I was crying

again. How could I be mourning someone I didn‟t even know?

Jacob pulled me into his arms and held me, while I cried. He didn‟t ask to hear any more, he never
pushed me. I was grateful. I didn‟t want to share the private things Edward had told me. They
seemed sacred, somehow, things that should only belong to Edward and his wife. Even I felt like an
intruder on their life.

I hadn‟t even realized I fell asleep when I woke up hours later, still in Jacob‟s arms.

“Oh! I‟m sorry, Jake!”

He laughed.

“For what? You were exhausted.”

“I guess I was.”

“Indeed. You slept the day away. I have to get ready for work soon. I was thinking, though…
Maybe you should take some time off. You know, for yourself.” He was speaking cautiously,
knowing I didn‟t like to be coddled. “Leah and Emily can split your shifts…” He kept talking, when I

was quiet.

“Well, actually, I was going to see if I could skip out tonight, anyway.”

“Oh. Good. You need some time to -”

“I‟m going back over there. Tonight.”

He looked at me.

“I want to talk to those girls… They were my friends.”

At the mention of the girls, Jake‟s face calmed. I realized this was going to be much more
complicated than I expected. I remembered Edward‟s reaction to Jake earlier. They were both
being typical, territorial men. How ridiculous! In the middle of this impossible situation, they were

being guided by testosterone. This was not good.

“Jake, I belong with you. Here. I know that. But I also need to figure this out, and through Edward
is the only way to do it. So I‟m going to talk to him and spend time with him. You just have to

accept that.”

“I do. I support this whole thing, Jackie, but you have to understand I worry about you.”

“I do.”

“Good,” he said, but the tension in the room was thick.

“Anyway… I‟m going to go back to Edward‟s house to meet those girls.”

Before I left, I asked Edward if we could meet at his house. I was comfortable there and I didn‟t

want them coming here, to the home I shared with Jake.

“I‟ll drive you,” Jake said.

“I want to do this alone.”

“”I‟m not staying, Jackie. I have to work, anyway. I need my car.”

“Oh. Okay, then.”

In the car on the way there, we were quiet, distant. I hated it, but I didn‟t know how to fix it.

Something was changing, and as much as I wished it wouldn‟t, I couldn‟t go back now.

Chapter 8.

EPOV

“Hi!” Alice sang into the phone.”

“Hey, Alice -”

“Did she call? I know I have to be patient, but I -”

“She came over.”

Alice shrieked into the phone.

“Well, tell me! All of it! What did she want? Was she like Bella? I mean…”

“It was hard. And wonderful. But you can see for yourself, because she wants to talk to you and

Rosalie. Tonight.”

It was silent. Not the reaction I expected. Then I heard quiet sobs.

“She does?” her voice cracked.

“Yeah. I told her you would. I thought you‟d want to,” I said, unsure now.

“Oh! Oh, Edward, I do! I‟m just surprised. Happily.”

“Good. So she‟ll be here in a few hours.”

“She wants to go back to your house?”

“I think she‟s comfortable here.”

“Edward! That‟s amazing! I have so much to do! I want to tell her so much! I have to call Rose!”

“Alice? Listen, you have to go kinda easy with her. She gets overwhelmed, and -”

“Calm Alice. Got it.”

“Okay, but for you too, because it isn‟t easy. You can tell her everything, but she doesn‟t actually

feel it… So just prepare yourself.”

I didn‟t want Alice and Rosalie to expect too much. It would only hurt them.

“I know that, Edward.”

“Okay.”

“I‟ll be there soon,” she said, her voice giddy.

I sat down and sighed. I needed to prepare myself for this too.

I knew what I was going to do. I was going to pick a fight with her.

When she shoved me earlier, she was there, a flash of my Bella, fiery and stubborn. It lasted half a

second, but it was there, and I was the only one who could draw it out of her.

And I knew how. I knew exactly what facial expressions and attitude pissed her off the most. I also
knew what topic would trigger it. Jacob.

BPOV

“I‟ll pick you up after work.”

“Okay.”

“If you need me before then, though, call me, and I‟ll be right here.”

“I know, Jake. I‟ll be fine.” He didn‟t look convinced. “I will. So go to work and don‟t worry,” I said,

poking his shoulder. He grinned.

“Right. Don‟t worry.” I kissed his cheek and got out of the car. I felt like a child in the middle of a

custody dispute. I braced myself and knocked on the door.

“You don‟t have to knock,” Edward said, when he came to the door. He was breathtaking. His hair
was wet from a shower, his green eyes were clear and bright. He smelled warm and soapy. I
noticed he wore a grey, hooded sweatshirt and jeans. I felt a small tug of something when I saw
the hood of his shirt around his neck. His bare shoulder from the night before flashed in my mind,

and I suddenly felt warm.

What the heck was that?

Why was I disappointed he was so… covered up? It was a feeling I wasn‟t familiar with. How could
a bare shoulder of some guy I didn‟t know have this effect on me? Okay, he was a gorgeous guy I

didn‟t know… but still. I‟d seen Jake shirtless hundreds of times, and it never had this effect.

“What?” he asked, when he saw me blush.

“Nothing, just nervous.”

“That‟s understandable. Come in. I‟d give you your keys back, but they‟re long gone. They were in

your purse and…”

“I don‟t need keys to your house,” I said. I didn‟t want him to think I would be frequenting. He

didn‟t say anything.

I noticed a stethoscope on the table.

“Sorry, it‟s messy in here. I haven‟t really had time to -”

“A doctor, huh?”

“Well, something like that. I‟m doing my residency now.”

“Wow.”

“Not really.” He shrugged.

“Well, you must be smart.”

“I‟m not an idiot.”

“You must work a lot.”

“I try very hard to keep myself busy. It doesn‟t really help.”

“What, uh… what are your plans for your career?”

“Well, you wanted me to go into private practice, so I could have reasonable hours and such… But I

don‟t know. It‟s better for me to be busy.”

“Oh. I hope you didn‟t listen to me. Something that huge is -”

“You just wanted us to be together.”

“Oh.” There was an awkward silence, when I tried to take in the fact that at some point, I weighed

heavily on every decision he made. Me. My humble opinion mattered to him.

“Did Jacob drop you off?” he asked, nonchalant.

I wasn‟t doing this again, with either of them.

“Yes, and he‟ll pick me up later.”

“Okay. He‟s been good to you, right?”

“Of course he‟s been good to me. He cares about me very much.”

Edward snorted.

“What the hell was that supposed to mean?”

“What?”

“That snort.”

“Nothing.”

“Just say it,” I said, and that feeling was bubbling up in me again.

“I just think if he was that great of a guy, he would‟ve done the right thing.”

This guy was so self-righteous!

“Oh, with the judging again! You don‟t know Jacob! He did do the right thing!”

“The right thing for himself.”

“Are you implying that Jacob acted selfishly?” I was incredulous. Jake saved me.

“No. I‟m not implying it. I‟m saying it. Jacob acted selfishly.”

“It‟s not -”

“I know. It‟s not like that. You say that a lot,” he said, unscrewing the cap on a bottle of water. He

took a long drink.

“Water?” he offered.

I sneered at him.

He shrugged.

“You don‟t understand any of this,” I said. That caught his attention.

“You‟re right. I don‟t understand any of it. I don‟t get how two people can be so happy and in love
one minute and torn apart the next, and I don‟t get how your boyfriend can justify kidnapping, but

what really has me stumped is how you can be so damn blind to it.”

“My eyes are wide open to this! It happened, okay? Jacob saved me, and he loves me -”

“He loves you. You always say that, but not once have you said you love him. I think that speaks

volumes, don‟t you?”

I saw red.

“You don‟t know anything about me and Jacob! You are so arrogant, it‟s sickening. You just say

these things and you really have no idea what you‟re talking about!”

“You still didn‟t say you love him.”

“That‟s because it‟s none of your business.”

“That wasn‟t it, either.”

“Shut up!”

“You can‟t say it, because you don‟t. I know it‟s not in you to lie about something like that, even

though you‟d like to.”

He wasn‟t fighting fair. He knew things about me, things I didn‟t even know. And he was right! So
right. It enraged me that I was so unwillingly exposed to him. I could hide nothing, but that didn‟t

stop me from trying. I owed it to Jake.

“Well, I guess that answers my question. Still only me.”

He crossed the line with that one.

“Oh? Are you sure?” I tried to sound coy, but my voice shook.

“Yes. You wouldn‟t have sex without love, and we just established you don‟t love him.”

I allowed that. The cat was out of the bag. There was no denying I wasn‟t in love with Jacob. But I

could still try to piss of Edward like he pissed me off.

“A year is an awful long time, Edward,” I said lightly.

“ I know. You have no idea how well I know that.”

“Well, I have needs too, you know,” I said, but my blush betrayed me.

He laughed.

“Needs? Please. You like sex. Believe me, I know that too.”

I like sex? Wait, beside the point right now.

“Then what makes you so sure I‟m not having it?”

“Several things. But the only one that really matters is the one we already covered. You. Don‟t.
Love. Him.”

That was it.

I grabbed the bottle from his hand and threw the water on his face.

“Well, some things never change,” a woman‟s voice said from the doorway.

“Hello, Alice. Rosalie,” Edward said, dripping wet.

Alice was beautiful… and weighed down. Under each arm, she carried a box, both of which she let
fall to the floor with a thud. Rosalie stood at her side, intimidating and radiant. I couldn‟t believe

these were the type of girls I hung out with.

“What did you do to her?” Rosalie asked Edward.

“I told her the truth. She didn‟t like it.”

“He… is…” I stuttered, embarrassed by what they saw. They probably thought I was some kind of
savage.

“Yeah, we know,” Alice said, glaring at Edward.

He took off his wet shirt, and I let out a gasp.

Everyone heard, but I couldn‟t help it.

He was exquisite.

I wanted to touch him with animalistic urges, so help me God, I wanted to touch him. More than I
wanted to slap him, more than I wanted to be with Jake, more than I wanted to take back that

gasp, more than I wanted my memories back… I wanted to touch him.

They were all looking at me. Edward was smirking.

“Go put a shirt on!” Alice said, breaking the silence for me and subsequently earning my undying

gratitude. I liked her.

Edward left the room, grinning, and said he‟d leave us alone.

“Don‟t be embarrassed. He‟s beautiful, we‟re all aware of it,” Rosalie said.

I nodded my head, but the heat remained in my face.

“Anyway, I‟m Alice, this is Rosalie!” She smiled brightly.

“Oh, I know. I really, really appreciate this. It‟s so kind of you to -”

“We love you. Of course we want to help, in any way we can,” Alice said.

“Oh, okay.”

“Well, where do you want to start?” Rosalie asked, plunking down in a chair.

“Actually, I kind of had a rather… urgent question and, um -”

“Wait,” Alice cut in. “I know this is awkward for you, but you should know, we know everything
about you. Edward said to go slow… but, look, we‟ve seen you naked, we‟ve held your hair back
while you puked, we shared shoes… So shall we just decide to be blunt? You ask, we answer, no

embarrassing, awkward moments.”

I blinked.

This girl was refreshing.

“Yes,” I breathed. “That is exactly what I want.”

“I knew you would,” she beamed.

“Okay, urgent question?” Rosalie asked.

“Yeah… so… me and Edward…”

“No awkwardness!” Alice said, pointing at me.

“Okay. Okay. I threw water on his face. Yesterday, I pushed him. When he took his shirt off…” I
gulped. No awkwardness. “I wanted to touch him.”

Alice and Rosalie looked at each other and laughed.

“Well, to be fair, I kinda wanted to touch him too,” Alice said.

I cracked a smile, I couldn‟t help it. She was infectious.

“I just don‟t normally react like this. Was I always so extreme with him?”

“Yes,” Rosalie said. “You fight hard and you love him even harder. You guys are… crazy for each
other. But don‟t worry, you‟re not violent or anything like that. Edward is the only one who does
that to you. You once told us that was one of the things you loved about him. He could light your

fire.”

“And you‟re not a horndog, either,” Alice said. “Just with him.”

I was surprised, not by their answers, but because they knew exactly what my fears were, and said

the perfect words to soothe them. I felt comforted.

“Here comes a blunt question for you,” Alice said. “If you don‟t want to answer, don‟t feel like you

have to. I won‟ t be offended.”

“Okay,” I said, nervous about what she could possibly ask.

“I won‟t tell Edward anything that is said here,” she started off. “This Jacob guy -”

“Alice!” Rosalie said.

“No, no, it‟s okay,” I said. They were so kind to do this for me, and I liked Alice. The least I could

do was answer her question.

“Is he good to you?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Is that it?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh! I thought you were going to ask something else.”

“Like what?” Alice asked, curious.

“Like… if I love him.”

“That‟s silly. Of course you don‟t love him.”

What was with these people?

I stared at her. She sighed, exasperated.

“You cannot possibly love Jacob. You may have amnesia, but you only have one heart. It already

belongs to Edward. Really, it‟s just simple math.”

“She‟s always like this,” Rosalie told me.

I considered what Alice said. Why wasn‟t I in love with Jacob? He was perfect for me. Was it
possible that all this time, I was held back by my love for Edward? Love I didn‟t even know
existed? Could fate be stronger than me? No. I had a mind, free will. Falling in love just took time.

Didn‟t it? I could love Jacob… but why didn‟t I?

“Okay, back on track,” Alice said, clapping her hands together, making me jump. “Let me know if

you get overwhelmed,” she said and heaved a box onto the table. “I‟ve got pictures!”

We pored through Alice‟s photos. It was surreal to see myself at various stages of my life. Age
nine, eleven, sixteen. I saw pictures of the three of us at parties, weddings, Christmas, the zoo,
various houses… As we looked at the pictures, the girls would tell me the accompanying stories.

Apparently, we had fun.

I held up a picture of my high school graduation. We were in our cap and gown get-ups, our arms
around each other, smiling brightly, ready to take on the world together. I focused on myself. I
looked so happy. I looked like I belonged with them. I was suddenly very sad for them, for myself.
It just seemed like such a waste. All of this good, fun, strong history of shared secrets and slumber
parties and boyfriends… was for nothing. I couldn‟t remember a damn thing. It wasn‟t fair how I‟d

spent a lifetime building relationships with these people, only to have it wiped away.

“Well, enough with the pictures,” Rosalie said, noticing my sadness.

The phone rang on the wall behind me.

Edward, who found a shirt, sauntered in the room wordlessly and glanced at the caller ID.

“Shit,” he whispered, but didn‟t pick up the phone. The answering machine clicked on.

“Leave us a message.” I was shocked to hear my own voice coming from the machine. Before I

could speak, a different woman‟s voice filled the room.

“Edward, it‟s mom. Where are you? I hate when you don‟t answer. Anyway, I just picked up some
beautiful, fresh daisies from the florist. I thought I‟d drop them off at your house, so you can take

them to Bella‟s -” Edward picked up the phone quickly.

“Hey, mom… No, I‟m here… No, no, I‟ll pick them up tomorrow… Yeah… I love you too… Bye.” He

hung up the phone and turned around.

“I have a grave?” I asked, eerily intrigued. Edward put his hand over his eyes and leaned against
the wall.

“You do. And we‟ve tried to keep it really pretty. There‟s always -”

“Geez, Alice,” Edward cut in. I didn‟t see the problem. I liked Alice; she said what she felt, and I

needed that.

“Edward only very recently started going to your grave,” Alice said, like he wasn‟t standing right

there.

“It was hard for him, and we didn‟t want to push.” I nodded my head in encouragement, so she‟d

keep talking. “Anyway, we bring really beautiful arrangements there all the time.”

“Thank you,” I said. It was easy to talk to Alice.

“Sure. Actually, I was just there four days ago and I brought the prettiest, yellow tulips -”

“Those are my favorite!” I said, excited.

“I know! You really should see them. I‟m sure they haven‟t wilted yet.”

“I‟d like that.”

It was quiet for a moment, then Rosalie let out a sudden burst of giggles. I was abruptly struck
with the hilarity of the situation. Thanking Alice for bringing flowers to my grave. It was sick.
Crazy. And somehow, ridiculously funny. I started cracking up, and Alice joined in. We sat there
and giggled like children, and it felt so good and right. These girls had managed to make this
situation bearable. No, better than bearable. I was amazed to feel like I fit with them. I decided

right then that even if I never got my memories back, I‟d like to be friends with them regardless.

“Do you think this is funny?” Edward asked, incredulous.

“Well… yes,” Rosalie said.

“People are hurting! My mother is buying flowers for her grave!”

“So? She always does.” Alice shrugged.

“So she‟s sitting in my kitchen, Alice!”

The laughter took over again, and Edward walked out of the room.

“I should go talk to him,” Alice said, standing up.

“No… I think I‟d like to,” I said.

I felt buoyant from my time with Alice and Rosalie. I could afford to be affable to Edward. Plus, this
was all because of me anyway. I asked for his help and put him in pain. I ought to be the one to go
to him.

Alice smiled at me.

“Of course.”

Chapter 9.

EPOV

I fumed in the living room, leaving the girls to their hysterics. Jasper had been right. We couldn‟t
keep doing this for long, we couldn‟t keep her from the people who love her and deserve to know.
But I couldn‟t break her trust, either. I promised her I wouldn‟t tell Charlie or… anyone, but I was
starting to feel like a criminal.

I yelled at the girls and I shouldn‟t have. I wasn‟t mad at them, I was jealous. Alice and Rosalie

had her laughing just like… Bella. Why was it that the only effect I had on her was rage?

“So… the answering machine… Wow.” Bella walked in the room cautiously.

“Sorry. Well, no, I‟m not. I couldn‟t bring myself to erase you.”

There was a period of time, about five months after her „death‟, when I would sit and replay her
voice over and over. I let the sound of her fill up the silent room and just listened to those words.

Leave a message. Leave a message. Leave a message.

“Oh. So you got kind of upset about the grave thing.”

“I‟m not mad. It‟s just… This whole thing has the potential to hurt so many -”

“I see,” she said, her face stricken. She thought I meant her being alive would hurt people.

“I didn‟t mean that,” I said quickly. “This is the most wonderful, miraculous dream I‟ve ever had
come true. I only meant that keeping it a secret could be hurtful… And Alice and Rosalie know that.

They shouldn‟t laugh about -”

“Why not? Has it occurred to you that if I don‟t laugh about all of this, it might just kill me? I have

to take the humor where I can find it… And those girls helped me do that. I think they‟re lovely.”

God, that was my Bella talking.

“They are lovely,” I agreed. “I‟m glad they made you happy.”

“Me too,” she smiled and plopped down on the couch next to me. She hadn‟t sat this close to me
yet. I was all to aware of the fact that I hadn‟t touched her once, since we discovered her. The only

physical contact we had was when she pushed me. Shameful as it was, I enjoyed it.

Suddenly, I got the feeling that our fight from before was forgotten. She was acting more at ease

than ever before. Whatever Rose and Alice said to her changed something.

“I‟m sorry I threw water on you,” she said abruptly, not looking at me.

“Don‟t be. I was out of line.”

“It‟s just hard, you know? That you know what makes me so mad, and I… don‟t.”

“It wasn‟t fair, and I‟m sorry,” I said. I was ashamed I took advantage of her condition for my own

selfish reasons, but I just wanted to feel her again.

“All right,” she said. “I think we should agree not to talk about Jacob anymore. I‟d like to spend
time here to get to know my old self and I can‟t do that if there is always this… issue hanging

around us.”

“Okay,” I said easily, but only because I didn‟t have a choice.

“Good.”

“So, what did the girls tell you?”

“Well, Alice brought all these pictures, and that was… crazy. To see myself younger, doing things I

never knew I did.”

I nodded, and she kept talking, telling me the stories they told her, stories I already knew so well.

I was surprised at the way she was just talking… So openly and frankly to me.

“And then… we talked a little about you too,” she said slowly.

“I can‟t say I‟m shocked,” I grinned. “You used to do that all the time.”

“I guess… I mean, it felt so comfortable with them. I can‟t remember them, but somehow I can

talk to them like I‟ve known them forever.”

“Well, you have.”

She looked down at her feet.

“There was something else too.”

“Oh?” I asked. I was burning with curiosity, but didn‟t want to push for more than she wanted to

share.

“I asked them if I was always so… physical with you.”

I had to laugh.

“What did they say?”

“They said yes.”

“Well, it‟s true. You‟re a scrapper, but only with me.”

“I‟d say sorry, but I get the feeling you deserve it.”

“I do,” I conceded, thinking of the way I took advantage of her.

“And then there‟s other… reactions… that I have to you,” she ventured.

My heart started beating faster.

I wasn‟t sure if I should encourage her to keep talking or not… For her sake as well as my own.

“I mean, I‟ve never really felt that way before, when you… Well, when you took your shirt off.” Her

face turned bright red, and she buried it in her hands.

“Hey,” I said softly.

She peeked out at me through her fingers.

“Just so you know, you do the same thing to me… And for me, it‟s only you as well.”

She dropped her hands, her face was still a beautiful shade of pink.

“I guess it means… something,” she said.

And there it was.

Finally.

An admission that there still was something there for us.

My stomach flipped. My heart felt like it was going to burst.

“Yeah,” was all I said.

“I shouldn‟t trust you so easily, but I do… And I have no idea why.”

“You can trust me, always.”

“I know.”

I lifted my hand and hesitated an inch from her jaw, my fingers actually aching to touch her.

“Can I?”

“Yes,” she whispered so softly I could barely hear her, but it didn‟t matter. I knew her answer by
the familiar look of want in her eyes.

I brushed my fingers along her jaw and felt an instant shock through my body.

God, it was her.

Now my body knew it as well as my mind.

She shivered, and I quickly but reluctantly pulled my hand away.

“No… No, don‟t stop,” she said, her eyes closed. “I can feel you… It‟s good.”

I swallowed hard and this time used both of my hands to lightly grip her face. Her breathing
became heavier and faster, keeping pace with mine.

She bought her hands up to rest them on mine.

In that instant, I was complete again. I felt whole and awake, finally coming to the surface after

my year of darkness.

I rested my forehead on hers and closed my eyes. She leaned her body in closer to mine. I could

tell she was guided by instinct alone.

“It‟s like my body knows you, but my mind doesn‟t,” she whispered, sounding thrilled and sad at

the same time.

I‟d be a fool to think I could have all of her back at once. I could make her body react, but her

mind still belonged to somebody else.

Fine.

I could wait.

This was already so much more than I hoped for. I couldn‟t afford to be selfish now.

We sat like that, quiet and full of wonder, for a few moments.

“Would it be too hard for you… if -”

She didn‟t even have to ask.

I brushed my lips on hers slowly, too softly for my preference. I fought back my eagerness with

strength I didn‟t even know I had. This had to be gentle.

She took her hands from mine, and I felt them in my hair.

She pressed her mouth harder to mine. Then her lips parted, and I felt her tongue on my bottom

lip.

She hadn‟t changed at all.

It was the same kiss, her kiss.

Her hands, her lips, her tongue, everything so familiar and glorious and sexy and beautiful about

her was still in her kiss.

I kept my hands locked on her face, worried once I moved them, I would lose control of them, and

they‟d roam to places she wasn‟t ready for.

She broke the kiss and took a quick breath, abruptly.

Her hands were still tightly curled in my hair. I still held her flushed face.

She was crying.

I immediately dropped my hands.

Oh, no. I just told her she could trust me and now…

“I‟m so sorry. I thought -”

“No! No… it was good… I just didn‟t know I could… feel like that.”

That was nothing. I could do much better than that.

“I‟m sorry if I did something wrong, or if it was too much for you or painful, but I just didn‟t expect

to react like that and I -”

“You were perfect,” I said, cutting off her embarrassed rambling.

“Oh. Really?” she asked, genuinely curious.

“Really.”

“Huh. You really like me, don‟t you?” She winked at me, needing to lighten the mood after such an

intense exchange.

“That,” I said, “may be an understatement.”

We heard the front door open and slam shut.

“Where is my favorite dead friend?” Emmett‟s loud voice boomed from the other room.

Bella looked alarmed.

“He‟s harmless. An idiot, but harmless.”

BPOV

My mind was still in awe from kissing Edward. I didn‟t know my body was capable of feeling that

way.

And I thought he got my blood boiling when we argued! The arguments were nothing compared to
what he brought out in me when he touched me. Kissing Jake was nice, kissing Edward was like
lighting my body on fire… in a very good way. Something was there, and even if I wanted to deny

it, I couldn‟t. My body wouldn‟t let me.

It was so… good, yet I hadn‟t intended to kiss him when I followed him into the room. After I
talked with Alice and Rosalie, I realized I was cheating all of us by being so closed off. I had to at
least be open to who I used to be. I owed it to them to at least explore the possibilities, so I
decided to let things come naturally and not deny the instincts of my former self. I would try to do
what felt right… Kissing Edward definitely felt right. I briefly considered what I would tell Jacob.
What were the rules in a situation like this? If I told him, it would hurt him terribly. He wouldn‟t
understand why I had to do it. At the same time, he‟d been so good to me. He was my best friend

and he deserved better than to be lied to. I was torn.

“Well, do you want to meet Emmett and Jasper?” Edward asked.

“Sure,” I said, not really sure at all.

“Okay… but a few tips about my brother first, so you‟re prepared.”

“A few tips?” I asked, nervous.

“You‟ll need them. He doesn‟t always think before he speaks. He has no tact. None. Seriously.”

“Is he like, mean?” I remember how intimidating he looked at the bar.

“No, he‟s always well intentioned… and he loves you a lot. He‟s just Emmett.”

“Okay,” I said, unsure of what to expect.

We walked out into the kitchen, and I saw the infamous Emmett, who had his muscled arms
wrapped around Rosalie. Jasper, the blonde guy from the bar, was also there.

“Hi,” I said, feeling like I was under a microscope.

“Hello,” Jasper said, staring at me.

Alice kicked his leg.

“Geez, Alice! What the hell?”

“Don‟t stare!” she hissed.

“Sorry,” he said to me.

“Oh, I understand,” I said. How could you not stare at your back-from-the-dead friend?

Emmett walked to the fridge and pulled out a beer. He twisted the cap off and threw it to me.
Without thinking, I flung my arm out to catch it.

“Wow,” Alice said.

Edward grinned at me.

“Well, it‟s definitely you,” Emmett said.

I was confused, of course.

“It‟s kind of… a thing with you guys,” Rosalie said. “He throws them, you catch them. It‟s stupid,”

she said apologetically, glaring at Emmett.

I didn‟t think it was stupid. I thought it was a tiny piece of the puzzle that was me. It was things
like Emmett‟s little game that mattered most to me. It let me know I was playful, and what type of
relationship I had with Emmett. I found it amazing that one insignificant beer cap could tell me so

much. I put it in my pocket.

“So, Bella, whatcha been up to? Besides for working at a bar?” Emmett asked, as if I‟d only been

on vacation for a week.

“Well, you know, not much,” I said. Anything I‟d been up to surely involved Jake, and I wasn‟t

about to bring him up. “But it‟s still Jackie.”

“Jackie?” Emmett asked.

“Yeah. Jackie.”

“But your name is Bella.”

“No, my name is Jackie,” I said slowly.

“In a weird way, I‟ve known you longer than… Well, you. So believe me when I say your name is

Bella.”

“Em, stop,” Edward said rather protectively.

“It‟s okay, Edward,” I said. I didn‟t want them to think I couldn‟t handle myself.

I looked back over at Emmett.

“My name is Jackie.”

And it was. I answered to it, I was used to it, and it was a part of me that represented Jacob. They

didn‟t know that, but it was special to me, and I didn‟t want to let it go.

“Well, I think I‟ll call you Bella.”

Who was this guy?

“If you want me to answer, you‟ll call me Jackie,” I shot back.

“Jackie, Jackie,” he mused softly, like he was contemplating it. “No, I think I‟ll stick with Bella.”

“What is your deal?” I asked.

“My deal is, I spent a year missing our clever, charming banter, and now that you‟re back, I‟m not
going to sit around and pretend you‟re somebody else, Bella.”

“But I am somebody else. You don‟t underst-”

“You caught the cap. You‟re Bella.”

The others were standing around us, watching with unsure eyes. I was actually kind of enjoying

myself, and it was clear Emmett was having an all out field day.

“I hate to break it to you, but it‟s not that cut and dry.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn‟t.”

“Listen, you are complicating things for yourself, sweetheart. When you were born, your parents
named you Bella… or Isabella. Whatever. You didn‟t die, and I strongly suspect your criminal
boyfriend didn‟t exactly help you to take legal measures to change your name. Hence, your name

is Bella.” He looked triumphant, like he just solved a big mystery for me.

I tensed, when he mentioned Jake, calling him a criminal, but I couldn‟t bring myself to lash out at
Emmett. Defending Jake right now would cause dissention and unnecessary pain. Plus, Emmett

was just… goofy.

“You… are… odd,” I said.

“No, Bella, I‟m straightforward. Don‟t you find it endearing?”

“No,” I said, but my smile gave me away.

Suddenly, I was being crushed by his huge arms.

“God, I missed you,” he said and kissed the top of my head. When he let me go, I saw four
shocked faces staring at me, waiting for a freak out. And truthfully, I could have. But I‟d come so
far today in such a short amount of time, I couldn‟t close up now. I had to dive into this. I smiled
brightly.

“So sorry,” Rosalie mouthed silently to me.

I shrugged my shoulders to let her know it wasn‟t a big deal.

“Now that that‟s taken care of, I‟m starving! Let‟s go eat,” Emmett said, heading for the door. I

was kind of sad to see him go.

“We can‟t,” Jasper said.

“Do I have to break this down for you too? We pick an eating establishment, get into our

respective vehicles…” Emmett sounded exasperated.

“No, asswipe, I mean, we all can‟t go out to eat. Not with -”

“It‟s fine,” Alice cut him off. “We can order a pizza.”

“Why?” Emmett asked. “I want to go out.”

Four pairs of eyes fell on me.

“Ooh. Right. Pizza it is,” Emmett said.

“No,” I said abruptly. “We‟ll go out. All of us.”

“Someone could recognize you. I don‟t think -” Edward started gently.

“No. I want to.” I didn‟t want to hinder their normal, everyday lives. I‟d done enough of that. I
supposed I could stay behind, but I desperately wanted to keep watching their interactions. They
were fascinating me. I could sense their close bond, and they were all so easy with each other… I

wanted to figure out where I used to fit in this group.

“Well, we‟ll go somewhere far,” Edward said.

-

We sat at a round table in the back of a restaurant that was only about fifteen minutes from the
home I shared with Jacob. I was quiet at dinner, taking in my day and watching them play with

each other.

When the waitress came by to offer water refills, she lingered next to Edward. I couldn‟t blame

her; our chairs were far apart, and we certainly didn‟t act like a couple. We weren‟t a couple.

“Thanks,” Edward said and smiled at her, when she filled his glass.

“No problem. Can I get you anything else?” She flashed a flirtatious smile at him.

“No, I‟m good,” Edward said.

“Yes, I guess you are,” she said.

I instinctively leaned in closer to him. I couldn‟t help it.

“You should try my specials,” she said to him.

Really? What kind of a woman says that?

“Well, I -”

“I‟d like more water, please,” I cut Edward off. My mouth shot open before I realized it. She filled
my glass and walked away.

I was bright red. Edward was staring at me, one corner of his mouth turned up. Emmett started

laughing loudly. Rosalie kicked him under the table.

“Ow,” he said, his laughing abruptly cut off.

It took me a second to process that what I was feeling was jealousy.

“So, your hair is different,” Alice said, trying to change the subject. “I like the bangs.”

“Oh!,” I said, reaching underneath my heavy layer of bangs to touch my scar. “Yeah, well, they

were kind of necessary.”

She looked at me, perplexed. I used one finger to sweep my bangs aside to reveal the long, thick,
ragged scar. I‟d decided to have bangs, not because I was self-conscious about my appearance,
but because with the scar showing, people asked questions, and I never had any answers. This

particular group knew all of my answers, so I didn‟t have a problem showing them the scar.

There was a collective gasp at the table.

“What? Like you didn‟t get pretty banged up too?” I asked Edward. There was no humor on his

face.

“Jesus,” he whispered, his fingers slowly reaching for my forehead. I kept very still. “I should‟ve

held onto you,” he said, more to himself than me. We both knew that was an impossible thought.

“It‟s okay,” I said softly. He nodded his head, but his face was white.

Suddenly, Alice let out a sob.

“It‟s my fault! All of that shit I bought… And then… It‟s because of me!” she cried.

Jasper put his arm around her and said spoke into her ear.

“No,” she said, pulling away from him. She looked at me, her mascara running down her delicate
face.

“I am so sorry. I… I never thought I would ever get a chance to tell you that, to apologize to you…
But every minute of every day, I am so sorry. To both of you.”

“You realize I have no idea what you‟re talking about, right?” I asked.

“Oh! I guess you wouldn‟t,” Alice said, stunned, wiping her eyes. “Well, that day -”

“I don‟t want anyone to be sad right now,” I said quietly.

-

Because we were so close to my home, Edward offered to drive me there. Jacob wouldn‟t be home
from work for a few more hours, so there was no possibility of a confrontation. Plus, it would save

Jacob the trip of having to come get me.

EPOV

“Can we just… not talk right now? So much has happened today… Good things, but still… I just -”

“We don‟t need to say anything,” I said. We drove in comfortable silence, like we had so many
times before. That scar kept flashing in my head. It was gruesome and at one point, obviously one
hell of a wound. I was reeling from it, but trying not to show it. I wondered about her injuries and
felt a pain in my stomach when I thought of her broken… like I was. I pictured her laying there, her
head split open, bleeding out all of our history. I envisioned her in pain, alone and scared when she
woke up… And that whole time, I didn‟t do a damn thing to help her. The logical part of me knew
that wasn‟t my fault… That if I‟d known she was out there, I would‟ve dragged my own ravaged
body across the planet if I had to, just to get to her. But still… I couldn‟t help but feel guilty. I had
once promised to protect her always… I applied that to even the most impossible situations… and

I‟d failed.

When we pulled up to Jacob‟s house, the lights were off. I didn‟t like her being alone any more
than I liked her being with Jacob. I knew she wouldn‟t let me walk her in, so even though I hated

it, I let her go.

“So, thanks for today… You know, for everything,” she said, and I knew she was blushing, even

though I couldn‟t see it in the dark.

“You don‟t have to thank me. That‟s ridiculous.” I smiled at her.

“Well, thanks anyway. I guess, um… I could call you, or…” she trailed off. It was awkward. Our
dynamic had changed so much in the last few hours, she was unsure of the proper thing to say.

“Okay,” I said. I wanted to pull her back in the car. I wanted more than she was ready to give. I‟d
been spoiled by the huge progress we made earlier. I watched her open the front door and walk

into that house. She seemed so out of context here. How did she not see that?

-

When I pulled up into my own driveway, I noticed an unfamiliar car parked in front of my house. I

got out of my car and slammed the door.

Jacob was leaning against his car, his arms across his chest, staring at me.

Good.

I was glad he was here.

There were a few things I wanted to say to him.

Chapter 10.

EPOV

“Where is she?” Jacob asked, not moving his position as I walked to him.

“I dropped her off at your house. What do you want?”

“I was supposed to come get her. I left work early. And by the way, it‟s her house too.”

I tensed, the territorial male coming out in me.

I realized we were here alone, facing off. I didn‟t have to be patient or sensitive right now. I could

say exactly what I felt.

“Not for long.”

Jacob pushed himself off from his car and took a step toward me.

“She‟s not yours anymore. She‟s Jackie and she loves me.”

I laughed.

“Has she told you that?” I asked, confident that she hadn‟t.

The look on his face confirmed I was right.

“You know, she hasn‟t bought up the divorce issue again,” I said, watching him closely.

“Give her time, she will.”

Suddenly, it didn‟t matter. I wanted to get to the point.

“Why‟d you do it?”

He knew what I meant.

“I did it to save her. We‟re not all doctors, you know. They told me it was the only way.”

“Fine… but she healed. And you knew… you knew… she had a damn ring on her finger!”

“She begged! I promised I wouldn‟t turn her away! And God, she‟s happy with me -”

“You‟re insane. When she realizes what a selfish prick you are -”

“Well, that‟s funny, coming from you. I don‟t suppose anybody else knows? Her father? Why?
Because she begged you, just like she did me. She made you promise you wouldn‟t… so you didn‟t.

You‟re no different from me!”

“I am trying to fix this hell you created! You put us all here, so don‟t you dare for one second,

compare yourself to me. I am better than you.”

“Maybe so. But it doesn‟t matter. It happened. And I‟m sure you, being a doctor, already know that
the longer her memory is gone… the longer it is likely to stay gone. I‟m all she knows. She doesn‟t

remember you.”

“Well, there‟s where you‟re wrong, Jacob. She doesn‟t remember our past, but she sure as hell
remembers my body. We established that today.”

I shouldn‟t have said it, but I was running on adrenaline and guided by testosterone. I knew what I
was implying and I hoped it pissed him off.

It did.

I watched the anger build in him and decided I wanted more.

I wanted to show him a fraction of the hell he put me through.

“I bet you can imagine how… good… it was to find out I was still the only one who ever touched
her. Even now, I‟m the only man on Earth who knows what she feels like.” I let an arrogant smile

spread across my face.

His fists clenched.

Good.

I was looking for a fight.

I waited for him to come at me, but instead, he started to talk.

“You are her past. Hell, you‟re not even a memory. I will continue to take my time with her, as I
have for the past year… But she will come around. She will love me. You should prepare yourself

for that.”

“Jacob, you seem to be under the impression that if she doesn‟t regain her memory, I‟ll be out of
the picture. You‟re wrong. I will start over with her. I will rebuild our relationship from square one,
if I have to. I will be her friend, I will date her, and trust me, I will have my marriage back.

Memory or not, I‟m not going anywhere. Prepare yourself for that.”

“We‟ll see.”

“No. It is what it is, son. We‟re meant to be together. Not even you can stop this kind of thing.
She knows that.”

“Like I said, we‟ll see. Tonight, when I go to the home I share with her and ask her about her day
and rub her back and kiss her goodnight and do all of the things a husband should do, I‟ll keep
what you said in mind. I hope you sleep well tonight, Edward, and don‟t worry about Jackie. I‟ll
take good care of her for you. I‟ve had a year of practice now and I think I fill your shoes quite

nicely.”

Suddenly, I knew exactly where to place all of the rage I‟d been bottling up for a year.

All of the anger over how unfair this was, how I couldn‟t save her, how I wasn‟t there when she
needed me most, how we lost a year, how it hurt so many people I loved… All of that pent up rage

found a home.

Directly on Jacob‟s face.

I hit him harder than I intended to, which was already pretty hard.

Before he could move, I hit him again in the same spot, his right eye.

He bent in half and held his eye.

I watched him with no remorse, willing him to straighten himself up and hit me.

I wanted this.

I had finally found the perfect place to lay my anger and now that I started to let it out, I didn‟t

want to stop… until he stood up straight and smiled at me.

His eye was already starting to swell.

This was bad.

“Thanks,” he said. “You just handed her over to me.”

He got into his car and drove away… back to Bella, and I knew he was right.

BPOV

I was in my room, when I heard Jake come in. I‟d called the bar earlier to let him know I was

already home, but Harry said he‟d already left.

“Hey, Jake,” I called. “I‟m in here! I called the bar, but they said you already left and - what

happened?!” He was in my doorway. There was a huge welt where his eye was supposed to be.

“I went to pick you up and I ran into your husband instead,” he said grimly. “You sure know how to

pick „em.”

“What?” I was horrified. “Edward did this?”

“Yep,” Jake said. He walked into the room and sat on my bed. I ran to the bathroom to get

something to clean his eye and then to the kitchen for ice.

I worked on his eye in silence and remembered all of the wounds he cleaned and dressed for me.
He‟d been so good to me, and I repaid him by making out with Edward. Guilt consumed me… I‟d

dragged Jake into this mess. I put him in harm‟s way, even if I didn‟t know it.

“I am so sorry, Jake,” I said, pressing the ice pack to his eye.

“It‟s not your fault, Jackie.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I went to pick you up. I was early… I just got worried about you and… I don‟t know. We
were talking about all of it. He just doesn‟t get that I did what I had to do. The next thing I knew,
he was in my face… Then I left.”

“Oh, Jake, I had no idea! I didn‟t know he could… be like that.”

“That‟s why I didn‟t want you to see him alone, Jackie. You don‟t know him. You don‟t know

anything about him.”

“I was just so… sure.”

I felt like a fool.

We stayed up and talked for a bit longer, but I just wanted to be alone, so I asked Jacob for some

time.

I lay on my bed and cried.

I cried, because I had been so wrong. How could I have misjudged him to that extent? I‟d

convinced myself that he was some hero, some perfect man made only for me.

I should‟ve known better.

How could I be so stupid? He‟d filled me with these notions that our past was some fairytale… He
forgot to mention his violent streak. And then, to hurt Jacob, my Jacob, who was a bystander in all
of this. He never asked for this position… He took me in and cared for me and made me his
priority, all because I happened to land on his property… Was that fate? I thought of what Alice‟d
said about fate. Maybe this horrible train wreck happened to bring me to Jacob. It would mean
something good came from all of that wreckage and death. Jacob and I were born of that carnage.

It was the only good thing that came of it, so I had to believe it was true.

But still.

More than anything, I cried, because I knew for certain I would never be with Edward now.

How could I feel so much for someone I didn‟t even know?

After I cried all I could cry for the night, anger overtook me. I wanted to scream at him. Badly.

So once again, in the middle of the night, I grabbed Jake‟s keys and headed for Edward‟s house.

EPOV

It was 3:42 a.m., when she finally showed up.

It took her longer than I expected.

There were three loud raps on the door. It sounded like she was kicking it. I smiled despite myself,
as I went to the door. I opened it, and sure enough, her foot was mid air, ready to deliver the next
blow. Not expecting the door to open so quickly, she lost her balance and fell forward.

I quickly put one arm out to catch her.

It was like riding a bike.

Our eyes locked for half a second, while we both absorbed the shock of our touch. She quickly

moved from my arm.

“Who do -”

“If you‟re going to yell, come in.”

She sneered at me.

“Suit yourself, but if someone calls the police, there‟s a good chance your father will show up.”

She stepped in the door and slammed it shut behind her. Clearly, she intended to yell.

“Who do you think you are?!”

“I‟m your husband.”

“No! By law only, and that is about to change.”

Her eyes were red and puffy. She looked exhausted.

“You hit him! You hurt him! God, I was so wrong! You filled me with all of these lies, and I believed

you! Why did you do that to me? Why couldn‟t you just let me be?”

“I never lied to you.”

“You didn‟t tell me you liked to go around hurting good, decent people!”

“If that‟s what you think of him -”

“No! It‟s what I know! And you… I don‟t even know you. You‟re a stranger to me. Jacob is my…

He‟s the closest thing in the world to me, and you hurt him.”

“Baby, you should really get to know your friends better.”

“No, I shouldn‟t have picked you in the first place. It doesn‟t matter, though, because that part of
me is gone, and good riddance to her, because she obviously was an idiot… to marry such a

violent, possessive psycho!”

“If you think that, then what the hell are you doing here?”

“I came to tell you to leave me alone.”

“You came to me!”

“You knew I would! You set me up with your answers and your lies and your bullshit!”

“Did you even ask him what happened?”

“Yes, not that I needed to. His eye is swollen shut, and you… Look at you, there‟s not a mark on

you!”

“Don‟t you think that‟s convenient? He knew what he was doing.”

“Please, Jacob would never -”

“He did.”

“I don‟t believe you. I believe him.” She shrugged.

It was then that I realized I was losing. Jacob had had a year to build her trust, to write his name

all over a clean slate. I had a few hours and Jacob to go up against.

“A long time ago, I promised to always be there for you, to never let you down. I broke that
promise this past year… When you needed me more than ever, I wasn‟t there. I will never forgive
myself for that and I‟ll never do it again. As long as your heart is beating, I will not give up on you.

I‟m in love with you.”

I hadn‟t said it to her since I found her. I didn‟t want to scare her, but right this second, she

needed to hear it.

My words had effect.

“Don‟t! Don‟t you dare do this to me,” she cried, choking back harsh sobs. “Don‟t you put me in

this position!”

“I didn‟t. Jacob put us here. We‟re stuck and, baby, I‟m trying so hard to get us out of this. I am
trying to keep my promise to you…”

“I don‟t want to see you anymore,” she said flatly, her chest still heaving from crying so hard. “I
don‟t need my questions answered. That girl is gone. I‟ll contact this Charlie Swan, so it‟s not… on

you. Just don‟t tell him yet. Let me do it my way.” Her voice sounded dead.

“How many times can I die for you?” I asked, my eyes closed in defeat.

I heard her soft cries start again.

“Please. It‟s already so hard,” she whispered. I wished I could take the hurt, but I couldn‟t. She

needed it. I continued talking.

“For the past 12 months, I was dead. I could feel nothing. I used to lie in our bed and actually will

my heart to stop. Just so I could be with you again. I just… can‟t go back to that. I won‟t.”

“I‟m sorry she‟s gone. I‟m sorry I‟m not her. I‟m Jackie and I belong with Jacob.”

Anger flared in me again. She was in there somewhere, I knew it.

“Do you know what your problem is? You are self-sacrificing. It‟s always been your problem.”

“Self-sacrificing?”

“Yes. You are going to run back to Jacob, knowing you don‟t belong there, just because you feel
like you owe him. He saved your life, I get that, but when are you going to be done paying him
back? Just because he saved your life, doesn‟t mean you have to give it to him. Are you really

willing to sacrifice real happiness and real love, just because you feel like you‟re in debt to Jacob?”

I hit the nail on the head. I saw it in her eyes.

She flinched.

“That… is… ludicrous,” she stammered.

“I don‟t think it is. I think that‟s exactly what‟s going on.”

“You‟re wrong. Let me enlighten you. I trusted you, and you misled me. Then you attacked my

boyfriend, who I do want to be with, by the way.”

She was lying through her teeth.

“Look, I hit him. I fucked up,” I said, my palms held up in surrender. “I won‟t go into what he said
to me. I‟d be wasting my breath, and it doesn‟t matter anyway. The bottom line is, you don‟t want

to be with him. You cannot possibly want him, because we both know you want me.”

She pulled her arm back to slap me. I caught her wrist mid-air.

“No, you don‟t. Not this time, baby,” I smirked at her. “This time, I‟m right.”

“Get those flowers from your mother, Edward. This time, I‟m staying dead to you,” she spat and
walked out the door.

Chapter 11.

EPOV

Alice.

Alice could help me. Bella had felt an immediate connection with her. She liked Alice… and Alice
was blunt. If anyone could make Bella see this situation clearly, it was Alice. Plus, I knew Alice

liked a challenge. She‟d be more than happy to take this one on.

I called her at 5:00 a.m. She answered on the first ring, her voice already full of worry. I hadn‟t

woken her, she was already up.

“What‟s wrong?”

“I think… I might need your help.”

“I‟ll be right there,” she said without a moment‟s hesitation.

I got in the shower and dressed and waited. While I did, I evaluated the situation.

Bella was pissed. Big time.

Jacob was manipulative. He was going to ride this thing out as long as he could.

If she refused to see me, there wasn‟t much I could do… except for go to Charlie, who wouldn‟t be

nearly as patient with Jacob as I‟d been.

I didn‟t want to do it. It would push her farther from me, and plus, I‟d promised I wouldn‟t. But

there was also my other promise. It seemed I would have to break one in order to keep the other.

Hopefully, Alice would be able to get to her. I wasn‟t sure. The only thing I was certain of was I

would never give up.

A half hour after I called Alice, there was a knock on the door. She was standing there, bright eyed
and smiling. Emmett was beside her, looking not quite as chipper. His eyes were puffy with sleep,
and there was a crease running down his cheek from his sheets. He held a large take out coffee in

his hand.

“Whatever it is, we‟ll fix it,” Alice said, stepping inside.

I was glad for her optimism. I needed the morale boost.

“I bought Emmett with me. I wasn‟t sure what kind of help you needed, like I can‟t really help you

move major furniture or -”

“Alice, if I wanted to move furniture at 5:00 a.m., I wouldn‟t have called you.”

“I know.”

Emmett brushed past both of us, put his coffee down and flung himself on the couch.

“Well? What is it?” Alice asked.

“I fucked up.”

“Oh. How bad?”

“Bad.”

“We‟ll fix it,” Alice shrugged. “What‟d you do?”

“I hit Jacob.”

Emmett bolted into a sitting position on the couch.

“Dude! You couldn‟t wait for me?”

“It was impromptu.”

“You should have called! Did you at least get him pretty good? Break his nose? Tell me you

knocked him out.”

“I didn‟t knock him out.”

“You should‟ve waited for me. I would‟ve knocked him out.”

“Yeah, well, believe me, I did enough damage.”

Emmett stared at me, assessing my face.

“He didn‟t hit you back.”

“Nope.”

“Oh, geez, Edward!” Alice moaned. “Why‟d you do it?”

“Uh… I think the question is, what the hell took you so long?” Emmett asked.

“Because she hates me for it, and I knew she would. And, Alice, I couldn‟t help it. He just started
saying all of this shit and he knew what he was doing. He wanted me to hit him. He knew how

she‟d react,” I explained.

“That‟s exactly why you shouldn‟t have done it!” Alice cried.

“Hindsight, Alice! God, he took her from me! He has been playing house with my wife for a year!
All of this is his fault! None of this had to happen, if he just would have carried her to a hospital
instead of his house… None of this hell would‟ve been unleashed. She may still have lost her

memory, but it would‟ve been me there to get her through it. He‟s lucky I didn‟t kill him, Alice.”

“Damn straight,” Emmett muttered, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Fine. What‟s done is done. Now we just clean up this mess. Where does he live? I‟m going over

there,” Alice said, grabbing Emmett‟s keys from the table.

“I‟m coming with you,” Emmett announced.

“No way,” Alice said.

“You‟re gonna need someone to bust the door down, if she won‟t open it,” Emmett said.

“He‟s got a point. She‟s pretty pissed,” I said.

“Fine. But no fighting,” Alice ordered, pointing at Emmett.

His eyes got wide.

“Do you think Jacob will be there?” he asked, hopeful.

“It‟s barely even daylight yet, and the guy works nights in a bar. Where else would he be?” Alice

asked.

Emmett considered it.

“Out, looking for his next amnesiac train wreck girlfriend?”

“Haha,” Alice said dryly.

“Really, Emmett, if you guys even get in there, please don‟t touch him. We don‟t need her to think
we‟re all lunatics,” I said.

Emmett made a „X‟ over his heart.

“I swear I won‟t touch him.”

“He provokes and he‟s good at it. He‟ll antagonize you.”

“Have you forgotten who you‟re talking to?” Emmett asked, incredulous. “I‟ll just keep him

entertained, while Alice talks to Bella.” He shrugged.

“Oh, good God, this is a bad idea,” Alice said, shaking her head. Nevertheless, she sighed and

asked if he was ready to go.

BPOV

I sat on the couch and listened to the incessant knocking, trying to ignore it. Jake stumbled out of
his bedroom, his face looking worse this morning. I didn‟t look too good myself. I hadn‟t slept at

all.

“Who the hell is here at 7:00 a.m.?” Jake grumbled, going to the door.

“Don‟t! Don‟t answer it. It‟s him.”

“Well, he‟s not going to terrorize you in your own home,” Jake said, opening the door.

Alice bounded in, wearing a radiant smile and holding a white bag. There was something wedged

underneath her arm. Emmett was behind her, wearing his goofy grin.

“Hi!” Alice said brightly. “Em and I were hanging out… at 7:00 a.m. And we thought we‟d stop by.

We brought breakfast!”

Jacob stared at her like she just sprouted a second head.

“Oh! We haven‟t been properly introduced. I‟m Alice.” She set the bag of muffins on the couch and

extended her hand to Jacob. Bewildered, Jake shook her hand and mumbled his own name.

“Alice, I -” I started.

“Holy shit! He really did a number on your eye,” Emmett said, sounding proud.

“Your psychotic friend -” Jake began.

“He‟s my little brother, and I don‟t like when people call him names,” Emmett said, the grin no
longer on his face.

Jacob got the message and took a step back, but opened his mouth to speak.

“You‟re not welcome here.”

“Well, here I am, anyway,” Emmett said and plopped down on the couch next to me. He started

rummaging through the bag of muffins. “No blueberry?”

Jacob stared at him. He had the same look on his face I did during my first encounter with Emmett,

minus the humor.

“That meant „get out‟,” Jacob clarified.

“I‟m here, until Alice is ready to go.”

“Well, then you can both get out.” I didn‟t like him talking about Alice that way, but given the

current situation, I let it go.

“We didn‟t even eat yet. I think I‟ll stay,” Emmett said, nonchalant.

I almost smiled.

“I think you won‟t,” Jake shot back.

Emmett raised a blueberry muffin triumphantly in the air, then turned his gaze back to Jake.

“What are you gonna do? Call the police? Hand me the phone when you‟re done, because I‟ve got

something to report too.”

“Just stop,” I said, standing up. “Alice, look, I know what you‟re doing here, and it won‟t help, so -”

“Wow. You really don‟t know Alice,” Emmett cut in.

“Bingo,” said Jake flatly. Emmett winked at him.

“Listen, Alice, I like you a lot. Rosalie, too. Hell, even Emmett! And if things were different, I‟d love

to be friends with you… but I just can‟t.”

Her face fell, and her bottom lip quivered. I wanted to hug her.

“I see,” she said quietly. “Well, this time, can I have a proper goodbye? Alone?” Her eyes were on

Jake.

I just couldn‟t refuse her.

“Sure, let‟s go to my room.”

“I‟ll stay here… Keep Jake company,” Emmett volunteered. Jacob looked disgusted.

I led the way to my room with Alice behind me and hoped I had the strength to do this.

“So, kidnap anyone lately?” I heard Emmett ask in a conversational tone, when we were in the

hallway. I shut the door behind me, before I heard Jake‟s response.

Before I turned to her, Alice was talking.

“I shop. I love to shop… It‟s like my passion. It‟s what I do. The night you got married, I shopped.
A lot. The next morning, we sat there and stared at the damage I had done. There was no way it
would all fit… unless two of us didn‟t go in the Jeep. Edward suggested you guys take the train…
You suggested not so nicely that I take the train. I didn‟t want to, and somehow, Edward convinced
you to do it. I guess what I‟m getting at is, it should have been me. But I was selfish, so it wasn‟t.
It was you and Edward. Every day, I regret it and I wish I could go back and do it again, but I
can‟t. And then, by some miracle, you showed up. Alive. And, God, this is my chance, the chance I

should never have, to set this right. I have to fix it, because I‟m the one who ruined it.”

“Nobody is at fault. There is no blame to place, Alice. Look, the thing is, all of you are so focused
on „fixing this‟, but has it occurred to you that it‟s not broken? All of these things happened for a
reason. I ended up exactly where I‟m supposed to be.”

“You don‟t believe that.”

“Yes, I do. And I know you don‟t want it to be true, but like you said, it‟s fate.”

“Fate is me and Jasper. It‟s Emmett and Rosalie. It‟s you and Edward. Don‟t tell me about fate.”

“This is my life! I am just not her anymore!”

“What about when he touches you? Can you tell me Jacob makes you feel like that? Do you think
that feeling happens for everyone? It‟s so rare what you two have. Don‟t miss out on it, because

it‟s amazing, and you know it.”

I winced. Okay, Edward turned me on. But come on! He‟s beautiful. He‟d make any girl feel that

way. I didn‟t have a good defense for that one, so I changed the subject.

“What about the fact that he beat my boyfriend up? I can‟t love some hot headed bastard who
punches someone everytime he gets pissed! Especially if that someone is somebody I care about

very much.”

“Put it in perspective, Bella. Sorry. Jackie. Try to put yourself in Edward‟s shoes. Your wife is dead.
Gone. The woman you loved since she was a gawky, awkward, little girl no longer exists. Your life
is over. Then, a year later, she shows up with no memory of you at all. Then you find out some
guy, who knew damn well you were married, has been keeping her to himself, purposely! Imagine
that, Jackie. He‟s had a year of hell. I watched him go through it. I‟m not saying what he did was
right, but I do know that Edward is the kindest, most patient and gentle person I know…

Personally, I know my breaking point would‟ve been reached long before his.”

“I‟m sorry, Alice,” was the only thing I could think to say.

“Well,” she said, suddenly brighter, “I bought this for you. Do with it what you will.” She dropped
the object that had been wedged under her arm onto my bed. It landed face down, but I could see

it was a frame.

No more pictures.

I didn‟t move to pick it up.

“I guess I‟ll walk you out and say goodbye to Emmett,” I said, swallowing hard on the lump in my

throat. Why did I care so much?

“So, is it like everybody‟s wives or just Edward‟s?” Emmett was still harassing Jacob, when we

walked out to the living room. Jake looked… Well, harassed.

“I‟m ready, Emmett,” Alice said.

“You coming?” he asked me.

“No… but I would like to say goodbye to you,” I said weakly.

“Oh, Bella. What are you doing, sweetheart?” Emmett asked softly, but he held his arms open for

me.

With unwarranted tears blurring my vision, I walked to him.

I stumbled and fell into the glass top coffee table.

There was a huge crash, when it shattered.

Nobody was there to catch me.

I felt Jacob quickly yank me up and heard the glass plinking down, when it fell from my clothes.

Then I felt pain.

“Oh, my God!” Alice shrieked. “Your arm!”

I looked down and saw blood. It was soaking through the sleeve of my shirt. Jacob ran out of the

room and came back with a small towel and wrapped it tightly around my forearm.

“Sit down,” he said and grabbed his phone.

Emmett and Alice came to sit on either side of me, and I noticed Jake bristle.

He left the room with the phone to his ear.

“You have to go to the hospital!” Alice cried.

“No, Jake is calling my doctor. He‟ll be here.”

“Your doctor comes to your house?” Alice asked warily.

“Well, yeah. He‟s the same doctor who treated me after the train accident and -”

“Dr. Gerandy is taking care of an emergency,” Jake announced, entering the room.

“Oh? Your accomplice is too busy to look after his secret patient?” Emmett asked.

“Not now, Em,” Alice hissed.

“You have to go to the main hospital, Jackie,” Jacob told me.

“No, no, I can wait,” I said unsurely. The pain was starting to get worse.

“No, you can‟t,” Jake said. “Come on.”

“You only have one doctor on this reservation? And he happens to be your partner in crime? This is
twisted,” Emmett said, disgusted.

Jacob glared at him.

“Come on, we have to go,” Alice said, standing up.

“Wait, where are we going to take her?” Emmett asked.

“I’m going to take her to County. It‟s the only hospital close enough,” Jacob said.

“You can‟t do that,” Emmett said.

“Whatever, buddy,” Jake grumbled, pushing past Emmett.

“No, really. My father‟s working the E.R. today. I‟d say there‟s a 99 percent chance you‟ll run into

him.”

“We‟ll go somewhere else,” Jake said. “There‟s that teaching clinic on -”

“Yeah, the one with all of my brother‟s colleagues working in it? They‟re all residents. Hell, even
Edward takes shifts there. She‟s met a few of them before. No good. Shit‟s hitting the fan now,

huh, Jake?”

“Well, we‟ll have to risk running into Carlisle,” Alice said. “Or one of Edward‟s friends. We can‟t wait

any longer.” She was eyeing the blood starting to spread on my shirt.

“No! No… just let me wait for Dr. Gerandy,” I pleaded. After last night, I couldn‟t take any more

visitors from my past just yet.

“Jackie, we can‟t. He could be hours and…” Jake was speaking gently, but he looked panicked.

“Well… there is someone we can go to,” Emmett said slowly.

Alice looked at him and nodded.

No.

No.

I couldn‟t face him again.

I wasn‟t strong enough.

“Edward,” Jacob said reluctantly.

Chapter 12.

EPOV

The caller ID on my phone flashed Emmett‟s cellphone number.

This would be interesting.

“Hey,” I answered.

“Hey, listen. Bella fell, and she needs stitches. A lot of them.” Emmett sounded way too calm.

“What? What the hell happened?”

“Eh… She fell into a table. It was glass. You know, classic Bella.”

“Is she okay?!”

“Well, she needs stitches. Soon, because she‟s bleeding all over my car. Watch the upholstery back

there, kid.”

“Get her to the hospital.”

“Can‟t. Dad.”

“Where are you taking her?”

“So, do you still have that medical bag dad gave you, when you graduated? He put all kinds of

doctor shit in there, didn‟t he?”

“Uh… Yeah, I suppose there‟s „doctor shit‟ in it,” I said slowly, knowing where this was going.

There is no way she agreed to this.

“There‟s no way she agreed to this,” I said, voicing my thought.

“She didn‟t really have a choice.”

I didn‟t even want to know what that was supposed to mean.

BPOV

I knew I needed stitches and soon.

Edward already knew I existed. I couldn‟t handle anyone else finding out just yet… At least, that‟s
what I was telling myself. A small part of me wanted him to take care of me… Him and nobody

else.

Alice convinced Jake to stay home, which was good. I didn‟t want to see a confrontation between
him and Edward. Alice told him she‟d bring me home, that I‟d be safe. I didn‟t think Jacob would

listen to her. After all, Edward was violent… but then again, there was something about Alice.

When I continued to hesitate, Emmett just picked me up and put me in his Jeep without a word.
On the way there, I started to feel a little lightheaded. Emmett kept muttering something about
blood stains on the seat. I also started feeling pain in other, more minor cuts. I felt one on my
shoulder, another on the side of my rib cage… and there was also stinging on the side of my right

breast.

Oh, no.

I‟d hide it. There was no way. No way. Except the blood was already starting to seep through my

bra and shirt. He‟d notice.

Once again, against my wishes, Emmett carried me from his car into Edward‟s house. He was
there, washing his hands at the kitchen sink. He looked so… un-doctor like. He wore grey sweats
and a simple, white undershirt, and his hair was disheveled, falling into his eyes. He looked as tired
as I felt. Even through my pain and my disgust for him, I could see that he was breathtaking. I was

hoping I‟d suddenly become blind to it. No such luck.

He didn‟t look up when Emmett plunked me down in a chair at the table.

“You should‟ve taken her to the hospital,” he said to Emmett.

“Not an option for her.” Emmett shrugged.

“Options do seem to be a problem for her,” Edward sighed and finished rinsing his hands.

“Just help her, Edward,” Alice said. “It took a lot for her to come here, so don‟t make it difficult.”

I was, again, grateful to Alice for coming to my rescue.

Edward turned to look at me, still standing by the sink. He didn‟t look shocked by the amount of

blood soaking through the towel.

“Well, let‟s see,” he said. He walked over, and I held my arm out and turned my face away from
him. He unwrapped the bloody towel and discarded it.

“You‟re a mess,” he said, squatting next to my arm, looking closely. He stood and pulled another
chair over to the side of mine and sat down close, so his knees were against my outer thigh. I tried

not to gasp. His touch still had the same effect, no matter the circumstances.

He went to work, cleaning me up. My arm had gone mostly numb, and I was grateful I couldn‟t feel
his fingers on me. I let myself take a glimpse of the wound. It wasn‟t so bad with all of the excess

blood cleaned off.

“I have to stitch it,” he said.

“I know.”

“It might hurt.”

“I know.”

“Okay.”

I turned my head again, not wanting to watch and also not wanting to watch him. That hurt more

than the cut. Alice came to my side.

“Here, hold my hand,” she said. I quickly grasped her hand tightly.

“I don‟t cope well with this,” Emmett said and left the room.

I kept my eyes on Alice‟s and concentrated on Edward‟s steady breathing. The kitchen was silent,
aside from the tinny clink of the little pair of scissors being put down.

“Okay, you‟re all set,” Edward said so softly I could hardly hear him. I was surprised… and
sickeningly enough, mildly disappointed. Was I that desperate to have his hands on me?

“Really? It was so fast, I didn‟t really feel anything,” I mused.

“Well, good,” Edward said.

I let go of Alice‟s hand.

“Let me go get you another shirt from Edward‟s room,” she said. Edward was back at the sink,

cleaning up, not looking at me.

“No, it‟s okay. I‟ll just -”

“That one is disgusting! You‟ve got blood all over it, and - wait! You‟re still bleeding!” Alice cried.

Shit.

Edward kept going about his business at the sink, not surprised. I knew he noticed the other

bloody spots on my shirt earlier. Without looking up, he sighed.

“Alice, would you please go get her that shirt?”

“Yeah… I‟ll take my time,” she said, leaving the kitchen. I would‟ve protested, but I couldn‟t bring

myself to. He turned to me.

“If there‟s glass embedded, it has to come out.”

I stared at him.

“You can take your chances at the hospital, which I prefer much… or I can have Alice come back

in.” His voice was void of any emotion. I liked it better when he yelled.

I kept staring.

“Look, shall we speak frankly?” he asked.

I stayed silent.

“I‟ll take that as a yes. I see shirtless women every day. I don‟t get a thrill out of it. I‟m not going
to get off on this, I don‟t want to see anything you don‟t want me to… and quite frankly, I‟ve seen

it all before.”

“Nice,” I sneered, but I trusted him to be professional… That was kind of the problem.

“Well, it‟s the truth, like it or not. What‟s it gonna be?”

“No hospital,” I said. His face made no change.

“Fine. I‟ll go get Alice.”

“No.” I didn‟t want this to be any more humiliating than necessary.

“I think I‟d rather she was here,” he insisted. I‟d made him think I thought he was some psycho. I
could tell he didn‟t want this coming back twisted, to haunt him. Suddenly, I felt awful about the
things I‟d said to him. When he was near me, I just couldn‟t believe he was the same man who hit

Jacob. But… he was.

“Please. I‟m embarrassed. It‟s humiliating enough as it is,” I said, my face turning red.

He gazed at me stoically, and I didn‟t have the slightest clue what he was thinking.

“Okay,” he finally said, but I knew he didn‟t like it.

“Should I just -”

“Hang on.” He left the room for a few seconds and came back with one of his white button down
shirts. Without saying anything, he gently lifted my arm and stretched the sleeve of my shirt. He

slowly pulled on it, so my arm slid out, but the material didn‟t brush over the fresh stitches.

“Put this on, but leave it unbuttoned,” he ordered and dropped his shirt on my lap. He turned his

back to me, so I could hang onto whatever dignity I had left.

I was shaking all over. My heart was pounding, I was starting to sweat. There was nothing

remotely erotic about this, but my body wouldn‟t grasp that. Clearly, I was some kind of pervert.

I awkwardly worked my way out of my shirt. It wasn‟t easy with the wounds and Edward‟s effect
on me. I unclasped my bra and didn‟t bother looking down. I knew it was ugly, and I didn‟t want to
see the mangled mess Edward was about to look at. I slipped on his crisp shirt… It smelled like

him.

This was not good.

I took a deep breath and tried to keep myself together. He’s a doctor. He does this all the time. It’s
like… like Dr. Gerandy! Right. Just like Dr. Gerandy… except, it was Edward. This wasn‟t helping. I

just had to suck it up.

“Um… Okay, I‟m ready,” I said, my voice shaky. He turned and held a hand out to me. I clasped

the shirt together, using both of my hands.

“You‟re going to have to stand up, unless you want to lay on the table. I won‟t be able to get to the

cuts on your side if you sit.”

Oh. Vertical was better.

I ignored his hand and stood up, still gripping the shirt together. He sat on a chair and scooted it

close to my side. I was frozen.

“I‟ll go get Alice,” he said.

“No.” My hands dropped to my side.

With steady, calm hands, he pulled the side of the shirt over, so my rib cage was exposed.

“Hold this back,” he said, his voice smooth and authorative.

I did what he ordered.

“You‟re pretty scraped up and you‟re gonna bruise pretty bad.” He pressed his fingers on my ribs. I

felt goose bumps spread across my flesh.

“Any pain here?” he asked. I couldn‟t feel anything but him.

“Ah… No.”

“Okay. I‟m going to clean these up.” I looked down at him, while he worked on my body. There
was no chance of getting caught staring, he was working. His brow was furrowed in concentration,
his fingers were capable and gentle… I wanted them to linger, but they didn‟t. Two bandages and
no conversation later, he was standing, working on my shoulder. His face was so close to my skin,
I could feel his even breathing on me. I wanted him… but he seemed completely unaffected. All he

saw were cuts and bruises.

“Where do you normally go?” he asked suddenly.

“What?” I asked, dazed.

“I was curious. If you had to come to me for this, what doctor do you normally see? I know you
don‟t go to County. My father works in the E.R., and he definitely would‟ve told me if he saw you,”
he smiled, his eyes never meeting mine. “And… I know you don‟t go to the clinic, because I‟m
there a lot, as are many people who would recognize you… And everything else is kind of far for

emergencies.”

“What makes you think I need emergency care frequently? For all you know, this is the first time in

a year.”

He finally lifted his eyes to mine and gave a disbelieving look.

“Okay, good point,” I conceded. I wasn‟t sure what I wanted to disclose to him, but I thought
conversation might take my mind off of his hands. And his eyes. And the smell of his shirt. And all

of it.

“Well, I see Dr. Gerandy. He‟s the doctor on the reservation.”

“So is he the one who got you through the accident?” There was no malice in his tone, so I decided

to proceed.

“Yeah, he‟s been good to me.”

“Good.”

It was quiet for a few moments.

“Is that who you see for everything?”

“Yeah.” I watched a look of concern spread across his face.

“So what about when things like this happen? What if you needed him, and he wasn‟t available?”‟

“Well, this is the first time he couldn‟t come when I needed him. But I guess, if it would have
happened, I‟d just have gone to County. Remember, I had no idea my father-in-law works there. I

guess I would‟ve shocked the hell out of him, huh?”

“I guess you would have. Anyway, what about now? If this happens again, what will you do?” His

voice sounded slightly worried.

“I‟m not really too sure.”

He sighed and shook his head.

“Someone with your track record needs a better plan than that.”

“I‟ll be fine.”

He sat back on the chair, done with my shoulder.

“Look, I know we agreed not to talk about Jacob… And I‟m not going to trash him,” he began and
ran a hand through his already tousled hair. “Just hear me out. If you are going to be with him, I
need to know that he is taking good care of you. You can‟t just be sitting around, needing stitches
or with broken bones, waiting for your doctor to show up. I can‟t believe Jacob doesn‟t - sorry. I

can‟t just let you go and hope for the best. I need to know you‟ll be okay.”

“I will be.”

“Not good enough. Look, I don‟t like all of this „let‟s keep it a secret‟ shit. It‟s… weird. You can‟t
even go to the hospital. It‟s not a normal life your leading… but I realize I‟m not going to change
your mind. So I think at the very least, we need to find you another local doctor. I‟d say go to St.
Johns, but it‟s just too far for emergencies. I can set you up with a doctor. I‟ll find someone you

can trust. Will you let me do that for you?”

My heart sank. Was he really giving up on me?

“Yeah… I guess,” I stammered, not really caring.

“Good. Let‟s check out the rest,” he sighed, stepping back into his concentration.

He pulled the shirt back, and my right side was completely exposed to him. I looked down at his
face. His expression didn‟t waver at all. Before he even touched me, I was trembling. He assessed
the damage with his eyes.

“There‟s not too much glass… You know, if you had a plastic surgeon do the stitches, the scarring
would be minimal. I could call -”

“No! I don‟t want anybody else to touch me,” I blurted out without thinking.

“Okay.”

I turned my red face up to the ceiling and waited for him to start. He didn‟t.

“You have to calm down.”

“What?”

“You‟re shaking. I can‟t get it out if you‟re jumping around.”

Embarrassed more than I thought possible, I took a deep breath. It didn‟t help. He sighed and
stood up. He used one hand to hold my unbuttoned shirt closed. When I kept my eyes staring up,
he softly grasped my chin and lowered my face, so I was forced to look at him, directly in the eyes.
I wanted him to slide his fingers down my neck. I wanted his hand to let go of my shirt, I wanted
to be exposed to him completely. His green eyes stared into mine, and I could tell… he didn‟t feel

the same way. His eyes were sensitive and confident, calm and reassuring.

“It‟s okay,” was all he said.

I nodded.

He sat back down and put his hands on me. I gasped.

“Sorry, I know it hurts,” he said. I wished pain was my biggest problem.

“It‟s fine. Is it… is it bad? Will it scar badly?”

“Well, I‟m not a plastic surgeon, but the wound isn‟t too bad at all. There‟ll be a small scar, but
you‟ll still be beautiful.” It didn‟t come across the way I wanted it to.

A wave of shame came over me. What is wrong with me? How can I be having these thoughts in
this situation and why am I so upset that he doesn’t? I told him I didn‟t want him and now I

wanted him to touch me. I was confusing myself.

Then… I started to get annoyed. Why should I have to sit here like a hormonal teenager, while he
was the cool, calm doctor, completely unaffected? I realized I wasn‟t looking too great, but if he

came to me, bloodied and bruised, I had a feeling I would still be able to find the beauty in him.

This was ridiculous!

I shifted my arm, so the other side of my shirt moved, revealing more of my unwounded side.

Nothing. His eyes didn‟t move. His hands remained steady. Not even a hitch in his breathing.

Well, now I was just offended. If he supposedly found me so perfect before, what was wrong with
me now? What kind of games was this guy playing? He was starting to make me mad and he

hadn‟t even said anything! The cocky bastard!

Why… why did he have to hit Jacob? Why couldn‟t he have just left him alone?

“Why did you hit Jacob?” I asked, my thoughts accidently seeping out through my mouth, acidly.

He didn‟t look up.

“Look, I could tell you what he said to me, and I could tell you what I said to him, though I‟m not
proud of it. But I won‟t, because the truth is, you wouldn‟t understand. I shouldn‟t have hit him. I

won‟t try to justify it.”

“But… I need to know.”

“Jackie, you‟ve never been in love, you won‟t understand. Bella would have understood, she loved
so hard… But, as you so often remind me, she's gone. You're all set." He scooted his chair back and

walked to the sink.

Suddenly, I hated her. I hated this Bella, who was so perfect and in love. I hated her, because I
was jealous of her and I hated myself for not being her anymore. I took it out on Edward, lunging

myself at him, so we were inches apart.

“You‟re just saying that because you can’t justify it. I was right, you couldn‟t control yourself,” I

spat.

“Button your shirt,” he said flatly.

My lips started to quiver, and tears were stinging my eyes. I fumbled stupidly with the buttons, my
hands shaking with rage. I couldn‟t maneuver the small buttons. Too much was coursing through
me, and I felt my face getting hotter. He took my hands and put them at my sides. I felt his eyes

on my face, while he buttoned the shirt swiftly, while my own eyes were downcast.

“You‟re getting frustrated,” he said.

“I‟m fine,” I said, as a tear leaked out of the corner of my eye.

“Well, don‟t let yourself get worked up. It‟s not good for you.”

That was it? Where was worried, passionate Edward?

“I won‟t.” I didn‟t move.

“But you are. Look, now that you‟ve started to figure things out about your past, it‟s normal to feel

frustrated and confused…”

“Don‟t get all doctor on me!”

“It‟s the only thing I have left to offer you, Jackie. You made it clear you are no longer interested

in finding answers or me, so… there is nothing else.”

He was right. As much as I wanted to be Bella, I wasn‟t. I was Jackie.

Edward could never love Jackie the way he loved Bella.

So I would go back to Jacob, where I was content, where I belonged. I‟d been a fool these past few
days, thinking I could be someone I am not. This time, I would go home and give all of myself to
Jacob. I would let him love me like I knew he so desperately wanted to. He could make me feel the
way Edward had made me feel. I just hadn‟t given him the chance. I was sure that now that I
knew for certain where I belonged, things would change. I would feel fire for Jacob, just as I had

for Edward.

Jacob loved Jackie.

I didn‟t need to be Bella for him.

I could just be me.

“I want to go home now.”

“Sure. I‟ll get Alice.”

So he did.

-

We were silent in the car, but she stopped me when I was getting out.

“Jackie?” she asked. I paused, half way out of the car. “Don‟t make any huge decisions right now.”

I got out of the car and slammed the door.

Too late, the decision was made. I was going inside to give myself to Jacob, once and for all.

EPOV

She was coming back to me. I could feel it.

Chapter 13.

EPOV

“Okay, so you didn‟t cop a feel. Did you at least get a good look… You know, for later, when you‟re

alone?”

I stared at Emmett, disgusted. I‟d spent the last fifteen minutes convincing him I didn‟t fondle

Bella. He had moved onto visual.

“You can look at me like that all you want, I don‟t believe you. How could you not at least look?”

“Two reasons. The first, I don‟t want to see anything she doesn‟t want to willingly show me. The

second, it‟s like working, Em. I don‟t associate sex and work.”

“Liar. All doctors say that, and they‟re all lying.”

“Okay, look, Rosalie goes to the doctor. If all doctors are enjoying it, where does that leave you?”

“Ah. Rosalie‟s doctor is a chick.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Wow,” he breathed. He was silent. I‟d given him something to dream about. At least he‟d be quiet

for a few minutes.

It was true, what I‟d said to Emmett. I‟d never had a problem disassociating the two worlds. There
was personal and professional. I did, however, have two problems when treating Bella. The first
was, I hated seeing her hurt. It didn‟t matter how many gruesome injuries I saw each day, the

slightest wound on Bella broke my heart. It was just different, when it was her.

My second problem was trying to act like I didn‟t realize she was hurt, so that I didn‟t respond to
her body. I did feel bad that she had hurt feelings, and I knew I could‟ve had her right then and
there. But it wouldn‟t have been right. She wasn‟t ready for that, not with all of the turmoil and
upheaval of the past few days. To be honest, I wasn‟t sure if I was ready for the fallout of sex. The

actual act? No problem. But after, it would be confusing and possibly hurtful for both of us.

My spirits, however, had been lifted. She trusted me, despite the Jacob incident. She might not
understand why I hit him, but it didn‟t matter. She trusted me. I felt it in her words and saw it in

her eyes.

She‟d be back, and we‟d rebuild.

I was just back to playing the waiting game again, no worse off than I had been yesterday… until

Alice flew through my door in a panic.

“Geez, I sincerely hope you weren‟t driving my car, acting all crazy like that!” Emmett yelled, when

a frenzied Alice stood before us.

“Shut up, Emmett, this is important!”

“Yeah, so is my Jeep!”

“She‟s going to sleep with him,” Alice said, looking only at me now.

“What?” I asked, completely confused.

“Bella is going to sleep with Jacob.”

“Alice, what are you talking about?”

“Sex,” Emmett clarified.

“I get that part. What… Did she announce this during the car ride home?” I asked, not putting too

much stock into Alice‟s claim.

“She didn‟t have to. I saw it on her face.”

“Alice, she doesn‟t love him. She won‟t sleep with him.”

“Yes, she will. Look, I know you know her better than anybody, Edward, but I was her best girl
friend for forever! There are certain things I can pick up on that you can‟t, so believe me when I

say she is going to sleep with him!” She was talking too fast, and her voice was high pitched.

“Fine, Alice, I‟ll give you the girl friend thing, but when it comes to sex, I think I have the market

cornered.”

“Ugh,” she groaned, frustrated. “Okay… I knew you were going to lose your virginity before you

did.”

Emmett started laughing loudly.

“Alice, Bella and I didn‟t even know… It wasn‟t like planned or anything. You couldn‟t -”

“No, you didn‟t plan it. Bella and I talked about it for weeks.”

“Really?” I asked, mildly surprised.

“Yes.”

“Huh.”

“Edward! Do you hear what I‟m telling you?”

I did all too clearly.

“Yeah.”

“Well, what are we going to do?”

“What can we do?”

“Uh… Go pull that asshole off of your wife?” Emmett asked.

Alice nodded eagerly.

“No. I put it all out there. She knows where I stand. She‟s making a choice, she‟s a consenting

adult. You can‟t go into somebody‟s house and stop them from having sex. That‟s just… crazy.”

They stared at me.

“No, what‟s crazy is you‟re about to let this happen,” Alice shot at me.

“Let? I never let any of this happen. She‟s a grown woman, she does what she wants. I can‟t

just…” I trailed off.

“You can‟t just let that guy do your girl!” Emmett finished.

“What do you want me to do?!” I finally yelled. “I cannot do any more than I have! I can‟t make

her want me and I can‟t make her hate him!”

The truth was, the last time I acted irrationally, I paid for it big time. Though I‟d like to, I couldn‟t

go around hitting people whenever things didn‟t go my way. It scared her.

Alice and Emmett both recoiled at my shouting. After a quiet moment, Alice sat on the couch.

“Call Charlie,” she said softly.

“To stop her from having sex?” I asked, exasperated. “No.”

It wasn‟t a good enough reason to break my promise.

“It‟s the only way,” Alice said weakly.

“I‟m not going to stop her. If she sleeps with him… Oh, well. Do I hate it? Absolutely. But it could
never change the way I feel about her. If she comes back to me, with or without memories, I will
gladly and gratefully accept her, no matter what. Nothing she could ever do can change that.”

“But… she might regret it,” Alice sputtered.

“Maybe. But do you really think you could tell her that right now? She‟s stubborn. And what if she
doesn‟t? What if she never comes back, and this is her life? I can‟t run around, stopping her from
living. Look, as long as I am alive, I will never give up trying, but I can‟t stop her from being with
him.”

I hated being logical. I wanted to go there and kill Jacob. I wanted to bring my wife home and be
the only person to ever love her. But I could do none of those things.

“Edward…”

“I think I‟m tired. I haven‟t slept in days. So, could you just go now?” I said. I couldn‟t defend this

much longer.

“Okay. Come on, Alice, I‟ll take you to eat,” Emmett said, subdued for the first time since this

started. Alice gave me one last hopeful glance, before she let Emmett lead her out.

I just wanted to close my eyes.

BPOV

“Jake! Jacob? Where are you?” I called frantically.

“Jackie? Are you okay?” he asked, running in from the hallway. “You‟ve been crying. Did he hurt

you? Because I‟ll -”

“No! No, it just hurts. I‟m fine.” He didn‟t need to know about my humiliating ordeal. I didn‟t want

anything to hinder what I was about to do.

I stared into his eyes and saw so much… loyalty, patience, love, adoration… But they weren‟t

green.

I pushed that aside.

“Jake,” I wrapped my arms around his neck, “I want you… I want to be with you.”

I expected him to hesitate, to question my suddenness.

He didn‟t.

He kissed me, and I made myself respond hard. I pushed myself into him, and he pressed back. I

felt his hands in my hair, and then my whole body was against his.

“Ow!” I cried, pulling back.

“What?” he asked, alarmed.

“Its nothing. I just… I have stitches… It hurt.”

Jacob‟s touch didn‟t mask the pain.

He tilted his face to mine and kissed me gently this time. I let him. His hands touched my face

softly, while he bent to kiss my neck.

I’m Alice… This is Rose… Want to…

“What?” I asked.

“I didn‟t say anything,” Jake mumbled into my neck.

Kiss her… Dare you… He won’t… It’s in her liver… Six, maybe eight months… Arizona?

“Can‟t you hear that?” I asked Jacob nervously.

“The TV is on in my room,” he murmured, working on my collarbone. I brought his face up to mine

and kissed him, trying to convince myself I wasn‟t crazy.

I started walking backwards to my room, my lips never leaving Jacob‟s.

We stood by the edge of my bed. Jacob untangled himself from my arms and took his shirt off,

then quickly bought his lips back to mine.

“I love you, Jackie,” he said into my mouth.

I love you, Bells… Make you dinner… His name is Jasper…

I let Jake unbutton Edward‟s white shirt, his hands undoing everything that Edward had done.

I couldn‟t think anymore. My mind was suddenly fuzzy. I just wanted this.

I let myself fall back on the bed, pulling Jacob on top of me. I felt his hot skin brush mine and his
hands tug on the button of my jeans. I had to shift to avoid doing damage to the stitches and when
I did, something hard was poking me in the back. I pushed Jake up, so I could move whatever it
was. I fumbled for it and finally grabbed it.

The frame Alice had left.

Great.

It was face up in my hand, but there was no picture in it. Jake leaned back down to kiss me, but I

put a hand on his chest to stop him.

Inside the frame were just words… beautifully scrawled across yellow paper. I had to read them.

Then seek not, sweet,

The if and why.

I love you now

Til the day I die

For I must live because

I live and life in me

Is what you give.

My eyes snapped shut.

Till the day I die… I must… In the window… Kissed him… Esme… Catch you… I love you… Flowers…

Charlie… License… Cancer… Prom… Love you… Doctor… Boyfriend… Mrs. E.A. Cullen…

Then there was a rush, and my head flooded.

My eyes snapped open.

“I want to go home.”

“Jackie, you are home.” Jake‟s voice sounded panicked.

“Bella.” I shook my head, disoriented.

“Are you okay? I‟m going to call Dr. Gerandy.”

“No! I think… I think I remember. I‟m me, Jacob!,” I cried, overwhelmed and shaking.

“Jackie, you‟ve had a crazy few days. You‟re -”

“No! No! It‟s real, and I… I remember, and my father, and oh, God, I want to go home! I want
Edward! I want him right now!” I cried like a spoiled child. Suddenly, I missed him. I missed him
with such a force, it made my body hurt. I missed him like I hadn‟t seen him in a year.

“I don‟t think -”

“Stop! Stop saying no! This is it!” My chest was heaving. I was scaring him.

“I don‟t know what to do,” he said. He looked absolutely broken.

“Take me home,” I said.

“Okay,” he said. His voice was smaller than I‟d ever heard it.

EPOV

I lay on the couch.

I just couldn‟t go to that bed.

The house was quiet, and my mind kept wandering to awful things… Bella’s hands on Jacob…
Jacob’s hands on Bella…

My stomach was sick.

I rubbed my eyes. They were stinging for sleep, but it wouldn‟t come.

Trying was pointless.

I sat up and rested my head in my hands. I knew eventually, she‟d be back. I just hoped the

waiting didn‟t kill me first.

So I sat and waited.

Then finally, something happened.

Out of the window, I saw Jacob‟s car in front of my house. If he came to gloat about having sex
with my wife, I‟d kill him.

Literally.

I turned my head from the window and waited for him to knock.

It sounded like he was trying to bust down the door.

I swung it open, and she was there, heaving and sobbing and smiling a smile I hadn‟t seen in a

year.

My eyes closed, my chest pounded, and I could hear my pulse in my ears.

I couldn‟t move.

Through her sobs, she started to speak. I could barely hear her.

“You drive too fast. You hate shaving. You need three pillows to sleep. You don‟t eat breakfast, and
you broke two toes when you were eighteen, because I dropped a can of paint on your foot. You
can name all of the presidents and you hate it when I sing the wrong lyrics to your favorite songs,
but it doesn‟t matter. You love me, because I… I… I am Mrs. E.A. Cullen and I want you to go into

private practice, so we can be together more, and I do want my keys back!”

I heard her choked sobs becoming louder and opened my eyes.

She hurled herself on me, and I caught her.

Her arms wrapped tightly around my neck, her legs twined around my waist, and I felt my knees
start to give. She clung to me so tightly, she didn‟t budge, when I reached one arm out to slam the
door shut. I could feel our chests crashing against one another and her hot tears on my neck,

soaking through my shirt… And I couldn‟t think. I could not figure out what this meant.

I slowly lowered us to the floor right there, in front of the door. Her legs stayed wrapped around

me tightly, when I sat, her face pressed into the space between my neck and shoulder.

“God, Bella? Are you…”

“I‟m here,” she wailed into my skin. “I‟m me.”

I pulled her back to see her face. I held it in my hands, not gentle at all. I hung onto her for dear
life.

She kept sobbing and laughing, while I stared at her.

“Kiss me,” she choked out.

I slowly brought my lips to hers and brushed them softly.

“No! Kiss me like I‟m me,” she said, but she didn‟t wait for me.

She pressed her open mouth to mine hard and took control. Too quickly, she took her mouth off of
mine and started kissing my face all over. Her hands were fumbling around, looking for mine. I

grabbed her hands, our fingers intertwined, and I noticed the ring was on her hand.

“Does this… really…” I attempted.

“What are you not understanding about this?” she laughed.

“How?”

“I don‟t know.”

Then I knew exactly what this meant.

I was all over her.

Kissing her everywhere - ears, neck, cheeks, eyes, lips, my hands roamed all over. It was so
familiar and still so long ago at the same time. We explored each other all over, looking to see any
changes, searching for our favorite spots, yanking clothing and nipping and licking at any exposed
skin. I couldn‟t fill myself with enough of her, and she was coming at me with the same force,
kissing and sucking on my flesh, her nails scratching at my neck. She pulled up the back of my

shirt, then slipped it over my head.

“Oh, my God, I missed you,” she whispered.

I started to undo the buttons on the shirt she still wore from earlier. After the third one, it was just
taking too long, and I ripped it open, sending the small buttons tumbling to the floor around us. I
helped her shrug out of the shirt and then I stared at her. I took in every inch of her skin, while

she touched my face.

“Feel me… Just… put your hands on me,” she panted.

I ran my hand down her unscathed side, my other hand in her hair, gripping tightly.

“Don‟t be careful, Edward.”

Both of my hands were instantly on her, too rough and quick, but she didn‟t seem to mind. Her

hips started to rock back and forth on me, her eyes on my face.

“Please, don‟t wait,” she asked. It sounded like pleading.

I pushed forward, so she fell back with a thud, and I landed on top of her, her legs wrapped around
me the entire time. She sucked on my lower lip and clawed at my back, while I let my hands roam
free on her body. I felt her hands leave my back and slip to the front of me. She untied the

drawstring on my sweatpants with one hand.

“Oh, God.” I shivered. My body hadn‟t felt this in a year. Everywhere she touched was coming back
to life with her.

I yanked on her pants with fervor, desperate to get to her. She wriggled her body ferociously,
trying to get out of her jeans, but her arms were unwilling to let go of my neck. I reached behind
me to pull her arms apart and reluctantly released myself from her tight grasp. She let out a cry. I
sat up on my knees, one hand held her wrist, the other jerked her pants down. She tried to pull me

back down, but I wanted to look at her, to see all of her.

She was exactly the same as the last time I touched her. It was as if her body knew nothing of the
past yea… Like it had just been there, waiting for me to come and claim it. I moved my eyes to

hers. She was gazing at me, tears running down the sides of her face into her hair.

She wrapped her bare legs around me again and drew me closer. She put both of her hands on my
chest and tried to grip my skin as though it were a shirt, so she could pull me down to her. I let her
and quickly found her tongue with my own. She lifted her hips up to me, and I felt her rub herself

against me… Oh, God…

“Bella.” My voice came out grittier than I expected it to. She didn‟t answer. Instead, she wrapped
her hand around the very part of me she was after and made me let out a loud groan. “I‟m not

making any promises… It‟s been a year,” I said, while her lips were on my chin.

Then I crashed into her, harder than I should have. The air left her lungs in a single harsh breath,

and she was silent.

I growled deep, animalistic.

She was the same, the only body I‟d ever known, yet it was clear she‟d been waiting for me. She

was tightly clamped around me, much like the first time so many years ago.

She gripped onto my shoulders and started to moan my favorite sounds. I worked one arm around

her back and sat up, bringing her with me, never leaving her body.

As she straddled me, she abruptly threw herself back against my arm. I gripped her tighter, her

back arching more. I couldn‟t see her face, just her body moving and gyrating on top of me.

I felt the changes in her come suddenly and I knew she was close. I started moving harder, almost
violently thrusting into her, my free hand lightly cupping the side of her neck. Without any more

warning, she cried out, and I felt her body spasm around mine.

Then I spilled everything into her.

All of my anguish and fear, my loneliness and anger, the tears I could never bring myself to cry for
her and all of the love I had been harboring for a year… I gave to her. I wanted her body to absorb

it all, to take it from me, to heal me.

She lay back limp on my arm, and I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath.

I watched the miracle of her just being alive.

This death was over. We were resurrected.

Chapter 14.

EPOV

After her breathing slowed, she grabbed my forearm and lifted her face to mine. Her eyes were

wide with… worry?

“Oh, Edward! I‟m so sorry! I didn‟t know! You have to know that if I was me, I would‟ve come to
you…” She was panicking and stumbling over her words. It took me a second to realize what she

was saying.

“Hush, Isabella.”

“No! I need to tell you! I wouldn‟t have missed a second of… of being with you! I just didn‟t

know -”

“Are you apologizing?” I asked, confused.

“I just… I said such awful things to you and I didn‟t mean any of them! I didn‟t! And, God, you -”

“Stop,” I said, putting a finger over her lips.

I waited, until her eyes calmed.

“Do you even know what you‟re saying?” It was a legitimate question. Obviously, she‟d endured

major head trauma last year, and now, with such a sudden recovery, I wasn‟t sure what to expect.

She kissed my finger and moved it from her lips. When she spoke again, her voice was much

calmer.

“I know exactly what I am saying, so please, just listen,” she said, intertwining her fingers with

mine.

It wasn‟t enough. Though she was still straddling me, I wanted to have her closer. Before I could

shift our position, she started to speak again.

“This whole past year, something has been holding me back. I could never really… give myself to…
anybody and I don‟t even mean physically. I could never quite love in any real capacity… And it all
makes sense now, Edward. No matter what, even with no memory of you, I could never love
anybody but you. I guess the point is, I never, ever stopped loving you. It was just hidden. But I
said horrible things to you…” Her voice cracked, and I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me

off, before I got the chance.

“I need you to know that I never really believed those things I said. Even before I remembered, I
didn‟t mean it! And I was so stupid! I was scared you wouldn‟t want me… without all of me, and I

wasted practically a whole day! All of that time, because I was an idiot! I am so sorry, I am -”

“Ridiculous. Baby, I knew you‟d be back.”

“You did?”

“Yep.”

I took her hands and clasped them around my neck. She buried her face into my shoulder and

cried. We were quiet for a few minutes, just hanging onto each other tightly.

“Were you okay? This whole year, were you treated well?” I asked, feeling shameful that I wasn‟t

there when she needed me.

“Yeah,” she said, her voice muffled by my shoulder.

“Were you happy?” I asked, and it was my sincere hope that she was.

She let her chin rest on my shoulder and thought for a moment, before answering.

“I was… content. I mean, I didn‟t really have a concept of happiness. I didn‟t remember you and

I‟m only really happy with you… I guess I didn‟t know what happy really meant.”

I rocked us back and forth, still naked, in front of the door.

“Was it very bad for you?” she asked.

I wasn‟t sure what to say. I didn‟t want her to take on any more of that ridiculous guilt, but how
could I lie?

“Yes.”

She kissed my shoulder.

I offered no more details about it. She‟d hear it all soon enough.

Abruptly, she sat up and grabbed my face with both hands.

“I had it so much easier than you! It‟s not fair. You… you lived through my death. I couldn‟t even…
God, if I lost you, I‟d die. I‟d die right with you! I can‟t even… Are you okay?” Her voice was

starting to panic again, as she was just starting to realize the weight of my year.

“I am okay. I‟m… God, I‟m way better than okay right now,” I said.

“But what about then?” she asked, her voice too thick.

“Then… The truth is, I did die with you. There wasn‟t anything. I was nothing. But you are alive,
and that means I am too.”

She was quiet, peering into my eyes.

“My poem,” she said in a whisper. “Life in me is what you give. Because you pulled through, I did,

too…and if I hadn’t -”

“Neither would’ve I,” I finished.

I brushed her hair back and kissed the ragged scar running the length of her forehead. It was a

reminder, an actual physical symbol, that she gave me life, that because she lived, I did too.

My lips were still on her skin, when she spoke again.

“I‟m really sorry I threw water in your face.”

I started to laugh, softly at first, but then something released in me, and I really laughed. I
laughed goofy and loud like a child, like I never thought I‟d ever laugh again. Bella watched me for

half a minute, before she joined me.

We sat on the floor, laughing and kissing and marveling at our miracle.

There would be so much to work through. So many questions still needed answers, but right then,

we just needed to laugh.

BPOV

The concept of time eluded us.

Last night, the night he hit Jacob, had flowed into today. I wasn‟t sure how long we‟d been sitting
there like that. Hours maybe? It felt like minutes and not nearly long enough. The sun had started

to fade, and soon, we were sitting in the dark. Edward moved to get up.

“No,” I said, not moving from my perch on top of him.

“I want to turn the light on. I want to see you.”

“Okay.” I shifted myself off of him. Light would be good; I wanted to see him too.

We stood together, and I held his hand tightly, while we made our way to the lamp. I wasn‟t ready
to stop touching him. I didn‟t know if I ever would be. He switched the light on and he was

illuminated. I felt another swell of happiness, if it was possible to feel any more.

“Here,” he said, grabbing a throw blanket to cover me up. He wrapped it around me and held it

shut at my neck, then leaned in to kiss me. He stopped, only to take a breath.

“I‟ll never take that for granted again,” he said, then walked over to get his pants, my hand

peeking out of the blanket to hold his, still.

I reluctantly released his hand, so he could get dressed.

“This blanket is new,” I noted out loud.

“Alice bought it. Alice has bought me lots of things this past year. It‟s how she helped.”

“Oh.”

Suddenly, it occurred to me that life had been moving on this whole time I was gone and I‟d

missed it.

All of it.

I‟d missed all of these small, tiny things that just… happened.

These amazing things he just did, all without me. I‟d always been amazed by Edward - the way he
moved, things he said, the way he sat or listened to music or did the dishes - and I missed out on

an entire year of all of that. I felt sad.

“Hey,” he said, hugging me close to him.

“I just missed so much!” I cried.

“Well, not really. My life kind of stopped, when yours did.”

“But, it didn‟t! You were breathing and getting new blankets and going to sleep and waking up, and

I wasn‟t here to see it!”

“You wouldn‟t have wanted to see it.”

“Yes! Yes, I would have. You have to tell me all of it… Everything I missed!”

“I don‟t know. I don‟t even know how I survived it. It‟s all blurry now. Like you said - I slept, I
woke, I ate, I went to school -”

“You graduated! Oh, you did, and I wasn‟t there!”

The weight of that was huge.

This goal that he - that we - had worked so hard for, for practically our whole lives, was met.

Without me.

I recalled all of those nights I spent watching him pore over textbooks. I remembered listening,

while he would tell me about tests, classes and interning.

“I did, but it wasn‟t… It wasn‟t how we always imagined it would be. It was difficult, reaching a

milestone without you. Part of me didn‟t want to do it, to move forward without you.”

As much as I didn‟t want to, I could understand that.

I wanted to believe that he‟d been okay and that he‟d still been able to derive happiness from his
life somehow.

I didn‟t want to know he‟d been robbed of the joy he deserved.

He was watching me carefully.

“Look, there‟s going to be so much… shit to work through. We both know that. For right now, let‟s

not. Let‟s just be happy.”

“Okay,” I said, holding him tightly to me.

-

Still wrapped in the blanket and grasping Edward‟s hand, I wandered around my house, just like I
had the day before. I opened doors and drawers, took things from shelves, but this time, I knew
the origins of all the familiar furnishings. When I didn‟t, I asked. The answer was always the same.

Alice. Bless her.

I lingered at the bookshelf.

“Where‟s „Wuthering Heights‟?” I asked abruptly.

“Rosalie has it.”

“Oh. Why?”

“It wasn‟t safe here. I kind of threw a tantrum a while back. Most of your stuff is gone.” He

sounded apologetic, which was ridiculous.

“You couldn‟t have known.” I shrugged, trying not to think of the pain he must‟ve been in.

“But I should have. I should‟ve been able to keep you safe.”

“Happy, remember?”

“Yeah,” he grinned, but his eyes looked dark.

The phone rang, and we walked to the kitchen hand in hand, with no real intention of answering it.

“Esme,” he murmured, when we saw her number flash.

My voice clicked on again, and this time, I actually remembered recording it.

“Well, Edward, clearly, you are not coming for these flowers, so I‟m coming to drop -” Edward

picked up the phone, just as I was starting to speak in an excited rush at hearing her voice.

Edward‟s eyes got wide, and his hand gently and quickly covered my mouth.

She couldn‟t find out like this.

He leaned his head to mine, the phone between both of our ears, so I could listen to her.

“Hey, mom, I‟m here.”

“Oh. Hi. Who‟s there?”

“Just me.”

“Oh. I heard a woman‟s voice.”

“No. No, I -”

“Edward, you sound different. You sound… happy.”

“Huh…” He looked at me and shrugged, not knowing what to do. I stifled my laughter.

“Someone is there. Are you seeing somebody?” She sounded shocked. “That would be… I mean, I‟d

be thrilled for you. Wow. I just didn‟t think you were anywhere near -”

“I‟m not seeing anyone new,” he said.

I found it wildly hilarious he tossed the word „new‟ in there. I cupped both hands over my mouth,

and Edward put an arm in the blanket, holding my waist close to him.

“Then who‟s there?”

Esme had not changed at all.

“No one,” Edward said, his smile seeping into his voice.

“I won‟t press, but you can‟t hide her forever. Anyway, I‟m dropping off these flowers in an hour.

I‟ve got to see Emmett, anyway. I have a few things for him.”

“Em‟s not here.”

“I just spoke to him. He and Rose are on their way to your house. Alice and Jasper too… Why are

all of you acting so odd?”

“We‟re not.”

“Well, I‟ll find out for myself in about an hour. I love you, darling. Bye!”

She hung up on him.

We looked at each other.

I was thrilled about seeing everyone, but at the same time, I just wanted to be with Edward, alone.

We hadn‟t had nearly enough time.

“I‟ll call Emmett and stop them,” Edward said.

We heard car doors slamming outside. We both looked down at the blanket wrapped around me,

then made a dash for the stairs.

In our bedroom, I wanted to re-explore, but couldn‟t. I yanked open the closet door.

My clothes were gone.

Edward shrugged.

I went to the dresser and opened the drawer he kept his sweatpants in, and grabbed a pair and a
t-shirt.

“God, I love that you just… know where everything is. You‟re really here,” he said. I heard awe in
his voice.

The front door opened, as I threw his clothes on, while he stared.

“Edward!” Alice‟s voice was shouting. “I know you wanted to be alone, but - Clothes!”

She‟d seen the pile of discarded clothes at the door.

A smile spread across my face. I‟d missed Alice.

Edward took my hand, and we walked downstairs.

They were there, the four of them, just staring.

I noticed Emmett had already helped himself in the fridge; there was a beer bottle in his hand. This
time, I held my hand out, before he even moved to whip the cap. I caught it smoothly in the palm
of my hand and smiled.

Without a word, he barreled over to me and picked me up, realizing what this meant.

“Really?” Alice shrieked, and I heard Rosalie yelp. The next thing I knew, they were all on top of

me, laughing and crying and murmuring words none of us could quite make out.

In the midst of all of it, my eyes locked with Edward‟s, who stood apart from the group.

We were connected.

A few minutes later, we were all still huddled together by the door.

“Well, what now?” Jasper asked, and I knew we all felt complete, a whole, together again.

Life would go on.

“Well,” Edward said, “I want you to see a doctor soon. There‟s still a lot we don‟t know.”

I didn‟t want to argue with him, but the truth was, I knew all I needed to know.

I was home.

Emmett leaned down and picked up Edward‟s discarded boxers between his thumb and forefinger.

“Does this mean the dry spell is over?”

One Year Later

APOV

It‟s been a very good year and also a very hard year. There was a ton of unnecessary guilt, pseudo

survivor‟s guilt and… Well, issues. But we are okay.

I don‟t get Bella to myself often, only when Edward is at work - private practice, by the way. They
don‟t like to be apart more than what is absolutely necessary, and I guess I get that. They have

sex entirely too much… still. I‟ve told them both it can‟t be healthy, but they don‟t listen to me.

Telling Charlie was an ordeal. Obviously, Bella didn‟t want to wait any longer. Edward and I went to
him first. Emmett was supposed to go, but he backed out and mumbled something about „cop‟ and

„gun‟ as an excuse. Anyway, Edward and I tried to gently explain the situation to Charlie.

It didn‟t go well.

After we convinced him we weren‟t crazy, there was shock… and then there was anger.

At Edward.

A lot of it.

Charlie, maybe rightfully so, insisted that Edward should‟ve told him immediately. Edward did
attempt to explain, but he just ended up getting threatened, much like the window incident of

sophomore year. Charlie‟s always been silly like that.

Nevertheless, Bella and her father were reunited, and Charlie actually cried. Their issues this past
year were pretty much non-existent. Charlie was thrilled, to say the least. His relationship with

Edward, however, is still on the mend.

And now for me.

Though people tell me it‟s ridiculous, I always knew this was my doing. Twice, this situation was in

my hands. Once, when I bought the clothes, and again, when I refused to get on that damn train.

I‟d killed them.

They were dead for a year, and it was because of me.

There was a time when I thought the guilt would kill me too. And then… I had this chance! A

chance that nobody in my position should ever have, a chance that I certainly didn‟t deserve.

I had a chance to set it right, to bring them back to life.

I‟d left the poem on Bella‟s bed. It was a small try, but full of hope, and though I didn‟t know if it
would work, it was all I had.

And… it‟d worked.

Just as I had killed them, I‟d brought them back to life.

Jasper thinks this is the craziest thing he has ever heard, but I know it‟s the truth.

Bella has spoken to Jacob exactly one time. I don‟t know what was said, I didn‟t ask. I do know her
view of him hasn‟t changed. She believes he is good. According to Bella, Jacob only did what was
asked of him. He kept her heart beating, kept her safe, until she returned to Edward.

Edward‟s position on Jacob hasn‟t changed, either. He doesn‟t understand it and he never will. He
wants his lost year back. The year, he says, Jacob stole from him.

Like I said, there have been issues.

I, however, do understand Jacob.

Bella doesn‟t know, and Jacob and I are by no means friends, but every once in a while, I stop by

his house to check on him. Jacob and I are kindred spirits in a way.

We both made choices that hugely and negatively affected Bella and Edward, but we couldn‟t have

known.

Really, Jacob is the key to my redemption.

I kicked this whole thing off with the shopping, and Jacob perpetuated it, helped it live on, but

neither of us knew at the time the damage we were doing.

I am grateful to Jacob for saving her. If he hadn‟t, not only would she be dead, I wouldn‟t have

been handed my chance to save both of them, to set my own wrong right.