Imperfectly Perfect

By JandCo

Chapter One
The first time Bella met Edward, she was saying rude things about him to her friend Angela. They
were on their lunch break and waiting in line at a trendy new soup place. It was one of those places

where people set up their laptops and wore glasses and scarves and drank soup from take- out
cups.
“This chicken noodle better be phenomenal,” Bella said, flipping through the local Music and Arts
paper she’d picked up for free near the door.
“Ben says get the lentil,” Angela said absently, texting Ben.
“I don’t like lentil. You know what else I don’t like? The pretentious dick that writes up the concert

reviews in this paper,” Bella said, snapping the paper in her hands.
“You say that every week,” Angela said smiling at something Ben was texting.
“Every week it’s true. Every compliment he gives is back handed and unless it’s some pretentious
shit no one has ever heard of, this guy basically says it’s shit. There’s a reason top 40 is

popular. People like it.”
“You’re just cranky about that dude backing out,” Angela said and Bella made a “that’s obvious”
expression.
“I specifically asked him if he was in an exclusive relationship. He said no,” Bella said, frustrated.
“Well, things change,” Angela shrugged, more interested in whatever Ben was messaging.
“He committed,” Bella grumbled, more to herself than Angela.
Bella had spent the last year working on an article for Simone magazine.
Finding Seattle’s Perfect Single Man.
Sure, it was cheesy and cliché, but interesting enough research, and she was almost done. She had

had ten men, ranging from Mr. Perfect himself all the way to Never Date This Man, Never Even Look
in His General Direction.
Then, just this morning, it happened. The last guy to be ‘researched’ had called citing
engagement. Which meant Bella was desperate to find another man, any man, so as she could make

her deadline.
Angela wasn’t listening anymore and Bella grunted and continued reading, even though it just

pissed her off.
“I happen to like The Joshua Tree, and hello, the Gin Blossoms were a great pop band,” Bella said,
scanning Edward Cullen’s weekly list.

The 25 Most Overrated Albums.
“The Joshua Tree is a good album,” a voice behind her said. Bella turned and smiled.
“Right? Thank you! This guy,” she mumbled, shaking her head.
“But it is overrated.”
Bella turned and took a good look at this guy now. His hair was greasy, but good. Very good, right

down to the sideburns that probably weren’t supposed to be sideburns but he couldn’t be bothered
to do anything about them. He grinned a wide smile, that pulled up too much on the right and

showed off his canine tooth which was a bit longer than the rest of them.
His rumpled shirt read “Rock and Roll: Music for the neck downwards—Keith Richards.”
“You who are wearing a t-shirt with a Keith Richards quote on it dare to speak of overrated?” Bella
asked, incredulous.
“The Rolling Stones aren’t over rated, just well known. Mainstream can be good shit,” he shrugged.
“That. I agree with. The narrow minded snob who writes these articles needs to get fired. Wanna

start a petition with me?” Bella grinned and Angela looked up from her texting to watch, knowing
good chemistry when she saw it.
“That would be a huge conflict of interest for me,” he said, then held his hand out. “Edward Cullen,

narrow minded snob and pretentious dick.”
Bella didn’t have the decent sense to look ashamed or regretful. She squared her shoulders, held the

paper at her side and sighed.
“Edward Cullen. You have horrible taste in music,” she declared.
“With all due respect…”
“Bella.”
“Bella, with all due respect, I get paid to write music reviews and my column is the most read in that
paper.”
“Free paper. And people only read your column for the same reason people listen to Rush
Limbaugh. They simply cannot believe the bullshit being uttered. It pisses them off and makes for

good, angry conversation.”
Edward looked genuinely shocked then scratched at his greasy hair before he leaned in to Bella.
“Is that really true?” he asked quietly.
“Yes.”
He squinted one eye in contemplation for half a second, before his face lit up.
“Do you own Billy Joel’s greatest hits?” he asked suspiciously, cocking his head to the side.
“Who doesn’t?”
“Thank god.”
“What?”
“You’re wrong. I don’t have crappy taste. You do.”
“Oh, Edward Cullen, I’m really relieved to find you’re much more clever in person. That luckluster

writing does you no justice.”

“Bella, I’m glad you’re relieved. And it’s cleverer. I know that because I write a bullshit

column. Now, I have to say I’m disheartened to learn one of my faithful readers hasn’t learned a
damn thing from all of my hard work.”
“Not true. I’ve learned to avoid whatever you recommend and buy whichever music you
condemn. Thank you.”
“No problem. I’m glad to know I’m weeding out the pool. You stay home and listen to Billy Joel
instead of muddying up a decent Saturday night show.”
“I’ll do that for you,” Bella said, rolling the paper and putting it in her back jean pocket.
“Speaking of weeding out the pool,” Angela said then looked pointedly at Edward, then back to

Bella.
“No way. He’s already not a contender.”
“You need another guy. And he’s cute. And you’re desperate,” Angela reminded Bella.
“If I can cut in for a second, you should probably know I won’t exchange numbers with a chick who

was just called desperate by her friend. And I don’t want to waste time thinking up a decent lie as to
why I don’t want to give you my number so maybe just let’s all act like this didn’t happen,” Edward

said.
“I’m not desperate for a date,” Bella said, but shoot, she was desperate for her article. “How old are
you?”
“Legal.”
“Are you married or engaged or have any prospects in the next two months or so?”
“No. Have you heard of eHarmony? Something like that could help a girl like you.”
“Are you a permanent resident of Seattle?”
“Yes. If this is how you go about getting a date all the time, I can see where your problem is.”
“I don’t want to date you. Well. In reality, I don’t want to date you. Listen, have lunch with me. I have

a proposal for you,” Bella said.
“Okay,” Edward said with a simple shrug.
Then they were at the front of the line, and Bella stepped up to order her soup.
“Chicken noodle—“
“I’m not surprised,” Edward said behind her.
“What?” she asked looking over her shoulder.
“Oh, nothing, go ahead. Order that staple, safe soup,” he said, waving his hand dismissively.
“I will. I like chicken noodle.”
“Of course you do. Safe and well known, just like your music preference. Please, order, there’s a long

line,” he said, mocking exasperation.
“There is a reason Billy Joel and chicken noodle are popular. It’s because they’re good,” Bella said.
“Okay. But you don’t know that the Spicy Enchilada soup isn’t just as good, or even better—“
“If I order the spicy enchilada will you shut up?”
“Sure. Do whatever.”

Bella ordered the Spicy Enchilada soup and Angela hastily kissed her cheek and told Bella she’d

inform the editor that Bella now had a business lunch.
Bella gathered her Spicy Enchilada cup and waited at the counter for Edward to order.
“Can I get a cup of chicken noodle?” he said to the girl at the counter.
Bella’s eyes widened and Edward looked up and caught her stare.
“What?” he asked.
“You—after all that you order the chicken noodle?” she asked.
“Well. I’ve had the rest. I know what I like. Mine was an informed decision.”
Bella blinked twice and picked up her soup and let Edward lead the way to a high table in the

corner.
“Okay, I’ve got deadlines as well, so propose to me already,” he said, once he was situated but she

was still struggling with the backless stool.
“Right. Okay. I write for Simone magazine—“
“Forget it. I’m out,” he said, taking his cell phone and scrolling through it.
“Oh. I forgot. Mr. Open to Mainstream Music and Enchilada Soup is too narrow -minded to consider

being featured in a women’s magazine—“
“Correction. Simone is a hag rag touting unrealistic ideals. I’ve seen the covers. “Make Him Yours in
Ten Days” “Two Hundred and Five New Positions You Haven’t Tried” “Lose 300 Pounds by

Tomorrow”—
“Don’t be jealous that I write for a national magazine and you write pretentious crap for a local

flier.”
Bella waited for him to stop laughing and blowing into his soup before she continued.
“Are you done being rude?” she asked.
“What do you want?”
“I’m researching for Seattle’s Perfect Man.”
“Search no longer,” Edward grinned.
“I already have a number one. That’s settled, but I need a top ten, ranging from perfect to
horrendous and my last subject dropped out this morning—“
“What exactly do you want me to do?” Edward asked, not interested in the particulars.
“I want us to date for a month. I hang out with you, observe you, and look for qualities women look

for and rate you on them.”
“What do I get out of it?” Edward asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
“Well. You’ll get to see your name in an actual magazine instead of the crappy, free flier—“
“No dice. Glossy covers aren’t my thing. What else?”
“Women all over Seattle will be clamoring to meet you, regardless of where you place on the list.”
“I’m insulted you think I need the publicity. And I’m not interested in any woman picking up a copy
of Simone and a gallon of ice cream on a Friday night—“

“You get paid.”
Edward paused, because Edward did in fact, need money.
“You’re going to pay me to date you?”
“Yes.”
“This is prostitution. You’re soliciting me right now. You’re aware of that, right?” he asked.
“No! It’s not…prostitution.”
“You just offered to pay me—“
“Not for sex,” Bella huffed.
“Is there ever sex?” he asked, and Bella blushed. Edward took this as a maybe and

continued. “Nice. Will I get the sex?”
“No—“
“Why not?” Edward asked, sounding offended.
“Because I don’t make a habit of sleeping with my research subjects—“
“But you have.”
“I never said that. And I won’t with you.”
“Your friend said I was cute. So, is it true, that women make up their minds about sleeping with a

guy the first ten minutes they meet?”
“What? No? I don’t know. Look. There will be money, paid by Simone, not myself, there won’t be

sex. Are you in or are you out?” Bella asked.
“In.”
~*!*~


Chapter Two
Edward went to the McCarty residence right after the weird lunch with Bella. They planned to meet
up later, to start “research.” Edward wanted to start sooner, so as to get paid sooner, but he quickly

found out that Bella Swan liked schedules.
Whatever, he could stick to her schedules as long as he was getting paid in the end.
“Edward, come on in, sit down, I’m just making Emmett his pancakes,” Mrs. McCarty said, pulling out
a chair in the breakfast nook for Edward.
“Oh. Will there be bacon?” Edward asked, helping himself to the pitcher of orange juice on the table.
“Of course,” Mrs. McCarty said, then made her way to the top of the basement stairs and shouted for
Emmett.
It was past one in the afternoon, and Emmett was just now waking up to eat the pancakes his mom
made for him every morning since he moved back in.
“Good morning, Em,” Mrs. McCarty said when Emmett clomped up the stairs, his eyes puffy from
sleep and his hair a disheveled mess on his head.

“What the heck is this?” Emmett asked her, holding up an alarm clock.
“I set it last night. So you could get up today. Before two p.m.”
“I don’t want to be up before two p.m.,” he said.
“Sit, you can have pancakes,” she said.
“And bacon?” he asked.
“And bacon. And look, Edward stopped in, too,” Mrs. McCarty said and Edward turned and grinned
over his shoulder and held up his juice in greeting.
Emmett saluted him back and turned to the fridge to grab a can of Mountain Dew because frosty
Mountain Dew the first thing in the morning is the perfect combatant to cotton mouth.
“We have juice…” Mrs. McCarty said, and then Emmett flipped the top on the can. “Or that.”
Emmett plopped down next to Edward and rubbed his face and hair.
“I found a way to make money,” Edward announced to Emmett.
“Did you get a job that actually pays you something?” Emmett asked, partly relieved and partly

horrified.
“Kind of. I am going to be a whore,” Edward said.
“Awesome,” Emmett declared, pointing a finger at Edward.
Mrs. McCarty put a stack of steaming pancakes on the table and stared at Edward.
“Honey, you can stay here if it’s coming to that—“
“Not a real whore, Mrs. McCarty,” Edward said, and she put a hand over her heart and sighed.
“Webcam shows?” Emmett asked, knowingly.
“Sick. No. I was getting soup at that shitty new place—“
“Edward, I could’ve made you soup—“
“Ma,” Emmett cut in, shaking his head.
“Thanks anyway, Mrs. McCarty. So, listen, I’m getting soup and this chick in front of me is going on

and on about how much she despises my column,” Edward said, picking up three pancakes and
plopping them on his plate.
“I think you do a lovely job,” Mrs. McCarty said, edging Emmett’s Mountain Dew can away and
replacing it with a glass of orange juice.
“Thank you. Anyway, turns out she writes for Simone magazine and she’s researching Seattle’s
Perfect Man or something—“
Edward paused while Emmett pointed and laughed at him and Mrs. McCarty sat down, looking

genuinely confused.
“Whatever. All I have to do is let this chick hang out with me, like, take her out or treat her like I

would a date or something for one month and she looks for certain qualities in me, rates me on
them and that’s it. I get paid, find someone to permanently to babysit the old man at the Cullen

Fortress, we have enough for a deposit on an apartment and life is normal again.”
Just then, Mr. McCarty came in the room, a rolled up newspaper under his arm and his tie loosened

around his neck.

“You okay old man?” Emmett asked, then leaned forward and snatched the paper from his father’s

hold.
“Up before two? What’s the occasion? It’s not Christmas, you know there are no presents, right?”

Mr. McCarty asked.
“Breakfast with dad is a gift,” Emmett said, opening the paper to the sports section.
“It’s actually lunch time. I’m home on lunch,” Mr. McCarty said, irritated. “Functioning adults get up
before afternoon and have jobs and things. Good afternoon, Edward,” he added as an afterthought.
“Hello,” Edward smiled and started cutting into his pancakes.
“I want my paper,” Mr. McCarty said to Emmett, taking a seat at the other end of the table.
“I’m reading it,” Emmett retorted.
“You’ve got your greasy bacon fingerprints all over it,” Mr. McCarty said.
“It’s still readable,” Emmett said and when he looked up, Mr. McCarty made his play, leaned forward
and snatched the paper back.
“You’re faster than you look, Papa,” Emmett said, then picked up more bacon.
“So. Now that you’re up early maybe you could look for a job today,” Mr. McCarty said.
“My job is being awesome,” Emmett mumbled, then reached across the table and dabbed his greasy

fingers all over the business section Mr. McCarty had turned to.
“When will being awesome start paying? Because it isn’t free to heat that basement.”
“You’d be heating the basement regardless—“
“Emmett—“
“Old Man.”
“I’m serious.”
“Edward is on it,” Emmett said, dumping too much syrup on his pancakes.
“Oh. The hetero three way life partnership is still in working order?” Mr. McCarty asked dryly.
“Two way,” Emmett and Edward said at the same time. Their third was a goner, which was also the
reason for all of this upheaval.
Jasper Whitlock had taken up with a girl. Jasper was curator of the American History section of the
local museum and last year, Alice Brandon had a History of Fashion travelling exhibit in the same

museum.
Three months ago Jasper announced he was going to be living with Alice.
In the apartment that Edward, Emmett and Jasper all shared together. When he was met with

protest, Jasper reasoned that this apartment was bigger than Alice’s and he paid the most. And his
name was on the lease. And he could have sex with Alice. And Edward and Emmett had to go.
It turned out Edward had temporary reason to stay at his parents anyhow, Jaspers shitty plans had
coincided with other shitty stuff in Edwards life-- so he stayed at his parents house while Emmett

set up shop in his own parents home, until they could afford first and last months rent and a deposit
on a new place.
“You know, this could be a factor in the Rosalie break up,” Mr. McCarty said and Emmett dropped his
bacon on his plate. Edward sipped his juice and eyed Emmett carefully.

“Rosalie, will come to her senses. You mind your own senile business, Old Man,” Emmett said. “Now

I’m all upset. He got me upset Mom. I can’t even eat my bacon now.”
“He has a broken heart,” Mrs. McCarty hissed at Mr. McCarty.
“He could’ve gotten a job and acted like a grown man and kept his girlfriend,” Mr. McCarty quipped.
“True love…isn’t about things like that,” Emmett said.
“Two more weeks, Emmett. Then you start looking,” Mr. McCarty said.
“For what?” Emmett asked.
“A job! At least Edward has a job,” Mr. McCarty said and Edward grinned smugly at Emmett. “He has
ambition and goals—“
“I have goals. I want to be able to bench 250 by the end of the next month. That’s a helluva goal,”
Emmett said.
“I know it’s hard out there,” Mrs. McCarty said. “But, Emmett, you really do need to start looking for
some kind of work.”
“Woah. Baby steps,” Emmett said. “I just barely lost my old job and I’m nursing a broken heart. It
isn’t easy being this sensitive. Besides. I do have a job. It just isn’t your corporate conventional

ideal.”
“You lost your job last year. And running an off the books pawn shop from my basement isn’t a job,”
Mr. McCarty said. “Don’t you want a place of your own?”
“Why in the hell would I want a place of my own? I have an entire, awesome basement with a mini
fridge and a futon. For free. I have three meals a day and my parents whirl pool tub. I have soap and

toothpaste and there is always milk and my laundry always smells April Fresh…why would I want to
move out?” Emmett asked.
“I’m on my own in the apartment hunt, aren’t I?” Edward asked.
“Yes,” Emmett said at the same time his parents said no.
“I don’t want to see you lying around here when I get home from work,” Mr. McCarty said to Emmett
just as Edward finished off the last of his pancakes.
“Well,” Mrs. McCarty said, “maybe you could see Jasper. You haven’t seen Jasper in awhile.”
“Jasper, is at his boring job until five and then he probably has to knit or bake cookies with that

serpent,” Emmett said.
“I think Alice is a nice girl—“ Mrs. McCarty said.
“She’s not. She’s a fun governor. She’s a she-devil ball stealer,” Emmett said.
“That’s ridiculous,” Mrs. McCarty clucked.
But it wasn’t ridiculous.
Jasper Whitlock, their boy, their partner in all things crime and debauchery since the second grade
when the three of them pissed on the sharing rug in Mr. Bertie’s class and blamed it on Tyler

Crowley…Jasper, the ultimate panty charming wing man and smack talk back up…was now living
with Alice The She Jackal Brandon.
Jasper didn’t order pizza at two a.m. anymore…he ate tuna casserole at seven p.m. instead.

Jasper didn’t ride his skateboard to the museum anymore on rare sunny days…he drove his four

door sensible sedan instead.
Jasper stopped saving for a two week trip to Vegas and started saving for an engagement ring

instead.
Edward was pretty much on the fence about Jasper and Alice it only bothered him when he got

kicked out. Emmett, on the other hand, chose to wage personal war with Alice.
“Well, whatever your plans are for the evening, I don’t want to see you here eating my food and

using my heat when I get home from work,” Mr. McCarty said.
“Take me to dinner tonight,” Emmett said to Edward.
“Can’t. I gotta be this girls whore tonight,” Edward said, tossing his napkin down and pushing his
chair back.
Mr. McCarty looked at Edward, opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again.
“At least it’s a job,” he sighed, shrugging his resigned shoulders.
“Is she hot?” Emmett asked.
“She’s got big eyes,” Edward replied, and it wasn’t lost on him that he didn’t deny she was hot.
“How about big are her—“
“Emmett,” Mrs. McCarty, admonished.
Edward gave a full tooth grin to Emmett and thanked the McCarty’s for the pancakes.
Across town Bella was still waiting tables at a high end restaurant. No one ever told Bella when she
decided she was going to be a writer that meant she’d be working random, low paying jobs full time

and writing in her spare time.
Twenty minutes before she her shift was to end, her manager asked her to stay until close. Bella

thought about her next research subject showing up for dinner in twenty minutes, but couldn’t say
no to the extra hours. He’d have to wait while she worked. Which was good, this way she could rate

him on patience—something she herself was lacking in just then.
"I didn't want this chilled," a very naive looking girl with a pearl necklace told Bella when she

placed her drink order in front of her.
"It's a daiquiri," Bella said. "It's made with ice."
"But I didn't say chilled," she said, and her face flushed red, because clearly she was trying to be on a
sophisticated date with a guy much older than her, and she didn't even know how to order a damn

drink.
"I can have it re-made without the ice," Bella offered and bit back the offer of a shirey temple.
"You should've asked if she wanted ice in the first place," Mr. pre-law I date twenty one year olds

who can't order a damn drink so I look competent enough to get laid said.
Then, because Bella was a waitress and this little girls date was some kind of scholar, the little girl

got all snooty on Bella.
"You really should've asked," she said.
"Sweetheart, the general population is well aware daiquiri's are made with ice,” Bella said.
"Excuse me?" Pre law cut in.

"If you wanted a special order drink, you should've ordered one," Bella told her, ignoring him.
"Isn't it, like, your job to ask?" she asked, fingering the pearls around her neck and sitting up a little
straighter.
"No. My job is to serve what was ordered. Daiquiris are made with ice. That's what you ordered,”
Bella said.
"You're not going to have a job at all," Pre law said.
Bella picked up the glass and wandered to the back, where she asked the bartender for a daiquiri

with no ice. He eyed her in understanding of crazy patrons, then handed her the drink.
Bella set the new, warm not daiquiri on the table and turned to leave when she heard, quite

distinctly, the words “bitter bitch.”
"Bitter?" she asked, looking over my shoulder.
"Keep waitressing. Just don't be pissed off at the people who don't have to," Pre Law shrugged.
Bella turned and pressed her lips together and reminded herself she needed this job just until she

sold her article and was hired at Simone full time.
She sighed and took a deep breath stopping at her next table.
“Good evening,” she said, putting on her mellow evening voice. “Welcome to—oh. Hi,” she said when

she saw Edward sitting at the table. “You know this place has a dress code.”
Edward was still in the Keith Richards shirt, not having cleaned up at all for their “date.”
Bella mentally docked points.
“I am dressed. I thought you were a writer,” he said, his eyes narrowing.
“I am. But as a writer yourself you should know it doesn’t necessarily pay the bills. I got pinned with
an extra shift.”
“We’ll have to discuss that,” Edward said.
“Discuss what?”
“Later. Now, is this some kind of test?”
“It could be. Let’s see how well you do with patience when plans change. How understanding can

you be and all that,” Bella said.
“I’m supposed to wait around?” Edward asked.
“It’d be a decent quality, but do as you will and we’ll see. Just act like you would if this was real life.”
“Okay. And Bella?”
“What?”
“Daiquiris are made with ice. Always.”
“Right? Thank you,” Bella said in an excited whisper.
“Can I get a bucket of Pabst?”
“Not here you can’t. I can get you anything on tap, though.”
“Your pick,” Edward said and Bella said she’d be back.

But when she was, there was money on his table, but he was gone. Bella muttered the word prick

twice—once at Edwards empty table and once at the iceless daiquiri table who stiffed her on a tip.
By the time her shift was over, she was tired and irritable and figuring Edward Cullen would

probably place second to last on the Perfect Man search.
In the parking lot Bella kicked off her shoes and winced at a few sharp pebbles in the parking lot,

but the cool pavement was worth the pain. Her feet weren’t meant for heels and waitressing, she
thought to herself as she fumbled in her purse for her keys.
“Bella!” an unfamiliar voice bellowed through the dimly lit parking lot.
She jumped and held my throat, briefly paralyzed and really regretting not taking up the offer of a

walk to her car from the bartender.
Then out of the dark came the Pre Law prick.
"I...have pepper spray!" Bella shouted and fumbled in her purse frantically this time, knowing full
well she didn’t have pepper spray, but hoping he’d be threatened enough by her pathetic bluff.
He put his hands up, and kept coming closer and Bella backed up, feeling blindly behind her for the
door handle to the restaurant. Her back hit the glass door and Pre Law prick kept approaching, his

hands in the air.
Then we were both bathed in the light.
His mouth was swollen. His nose was bleeding a bit at the left nostril. His clothes were stretched

and dirty and stained with mud.
"I'm sorry," he said warily. "Daiquiris are made with ice."
"What?" Bella gasped.
"Forgive me for being a condescending jack ass. Any common idiot knows daiquiris are made with

ice,” he continued, monotone and robotic, like he was reading from a script. “You were right and I
was wrong. My behavior was vile and I’m asking for forgiveness.”
Bella blinked at the guy. He hesitated, then spoke again.
“I was trying to make up with piggish behavior what I lack in my pants,” he choked out, obviously

not agreeing with what he just said.
"Okay," Bella said uncertainly and wholly freaked out. "Could you go...away from me now?"
He stumbled off and Bella heard loud, drunk laughing from deep in the empty parking lot.
"Night, Demetri," Bella heard a deep voice call from the dark, this time, Bella recognized the voice.
“Edward?” she called out and he came out of the darkened parking lot, a case of Pabst under his

arm.
"What did you do?" Bella asked, breathless, her heart rate not quite returning to normal.
Edward’s upper lip was slightly swollen and his clothes were even more disheveled than before,
also smattered with dirt, but clearly, the other guy lost.
“I was looking out for you,” Edward said proudly.
“I…temper,” Bella uttered, shocked and maybe a little bit amused.
Edward scratched the back of his head with his free hand, contemplating for a second, before his
lips broke out into a swollen, lopsided grin.

“Chivalry,” he said.
“What?” asked Bella. “No, you lost your temper. You have a horrible temper—do you just go around
hitting people who piss you off all the time?”
Most of her was disgusted, you can’t just go around hitting people whenever you want. Grown men
don’t just go around beating people up whenever they get the urge.
“Oh. That wasn’t losing my temper. It was being chivalrous. That’s gotta be like, huge bonus points.”
Bella opened and closed her mouth twice, not sure what it was, but knowing that no one had ever

done anything like that for her before.
~*!*~


Chapter Three
“Okay, so, date one,” Edward said, leaning against an old, beat up Volvo. He plunked his case of beer

on the hood then fished two out.
“Uh, thanks,” Bella said when he thrust one at her. “Is this…is this our first date destination?”
“Good a place as any,” Edward shrugged then flipped the tab on his beer.
“Your idea of a good first date is a deserted parking lot and a case of beer?” Bella asked.
“Sure,” Edward shrugged. “You’re high maintenance, aren’t you?”
“No! No…it’s just, all of the other subjects went out of their way to try to impress,” Bella said.
“Do I not impress?” Edward asked, mocking offense.
“You have an impressive temper,” Bella said.
“That was chivalry. So, tell me what I need to know about this thing,” Edward said, moving to sit on

the hood of his car.
“Okay,” Bella asked, opening her can. “We hang out, do date like things, and I watch for things and

rate you on them on a scale from zero to ten. Simple. Just…do what you would normally do—“
“This whole thing is so flawed, you know that, right?” Edward asked. “I mean, first, like you said, all

these guys are going to act polished and perfect because they want to be the best—“
“You’d be surprised. Last place actually scored only a two out of a possible one hundred points.”
“Anyway, everyone reacts to different people differently,” Edward went on. “Like, let’s say I
genuinely can’t stand you. I wouldn’t treat you like a girl I would actually date.”
“Can you genuinely not stand me?” Bella asked.
“I have no idea. So far you’re tolerable. Kind of,” Edward said, smiling before gulping his beer. “So,
tell me, who so far is Mr. Perfect?”
“You’ll have to read it in Simone, just like everyone else,” Bella said.
“It’s the one you let in your pants, isn’t it?” Edward asked, pointing at her.
“I didn’t let any subjects in my pants that would ruin the whole thing.”
“Bullshit. You said—“

“I said nothing. You made a silly assumption.”
“But you made out? Did some heavy petting?” Edward asked.
“If…kissing comes naturally. I mean. If it goes in that direction. Look, the whole point is to let

things go natural to get a feel for each subject—“
“Oh. You got felt alright. Do you always get so red when you talk about sex?”
“There was no sex!”
“God! Don’t be such a prude,” Edward scoffed.
“I’m not a prude—“
“Yes you are.”
“No, I’m not—you don’t know me, you’re making silly assumptions again.”
“Maybe. But you’re about as green as they come. Beautiful, but green,” Edward said. Bella paused,

stuck for a comeback while she mulled over the fact that he just called her beautiful.
“I drank beer out of a shoe in college,” she blurted out.
“Wow.”
“I once did a strip tease for the Sigma Chi House. All of them,” Bella said.
“You’re a real wild child,” Edward said flatly.
“Just last week Angela and I went out for a drink on a Tuesday night and I was forty five minutes late
for work because I was so hung over.”
“Did you crazy girls rob a bank, too?” Edward asked.
“Look. You order different soups at a trendy soup place and that makes you so crazy? What’s so

thrilling about your life?” Bella snapped.
“Oh. I never said my life was thrilling.”
Bella stared at Edward while he took another beer out of the case.
“Seriously. Is there something wrong with you?” Bella asked.
“Me? No. Why?”
“Because! Because you’re always saying accusatory remarks about my character, then you

just…the chicken noodle soup and now this?”
“If you’re a writer, why do you waitress?” Edward asked, ignoring her question.
“Because I need to eat and pay the rent,” Bella said tightly.
“So you know you’re not that good of a writer,” Edward said.
“Um. I’m fucking wonderful, thanks.”
“Then why aren’t you really doing it? I write—“
“For the free local flier—“
“And some freelance shit on the side. But the point is, it’s what I want to do. I know I can do it. I
know I’m damn good at it. So, even when there is shit for money, I don’t go looking for a back up

plan or a safety net.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I like to be able to afford heat,” Bella said. “I can dig this whole free spirit artist

pretension thing you have going on, but I live in reality.”
“That’s probably why you’re writing sucks,” Edward said. “You live in reality too much. You’re too

worried about—“
“Eating? Shelter? Yes. I do worry about those things like normal people do. And my writing doesn’t

suck. So, while it’s super that you can afford cases of beer and fancy dates in parking lots on a
writer’s salary, I can’t at this point. Reality.”
“Oh, I can’t really either.”
“Okay, on the record, how do you pay to survive? Rent? Groceries? Entertainment?” Bella asked.
“I used to share an apartment and split the rent with two friends, but now I live at my parents. They
have a housekeeper who stocks groceries like magic. Shit just appears. And Bella, I myself am a

great source of free entertainment.”
“You live with your parents?” Bella asked flatly.
“Technically? But temporarily.”
“Ahh. Okay. Housekeeper? You’re a spoiled kid with no ambition who lives with his parents.

Super.”
“No ambition? Did you not just hear a damn word I said? You’re looking at it all backwards. I have
huge ambition. I have so much fucking ambition that I’m choosing to go without some of life’s

indulgences so I can work on my career. I moved into my parents house so I wouldn’t have to chuck
the writing aside, among other reasons—that’s ambition.”
“You have a very skewed outlook on life,” Bella said dryly.
“You do,” he replied like a five year old.
“You do,” Bella sneered back.
“Whatever. Do I get ten points for ambition?”
“Like, negative ten. You live at your parents house. This is not a quality most women look for in
men. So, so far, we have an awful temper and no ambition.”
“No, we have chivalry and an intense drive to succeed,” Edward countered. “Listen, you’re pretty
fucked right?”
“What?”
“Like, I’m pretty much your last resort? Time crunch, deadlines and all that stuff?”
“Are you backing out? Don’t back out on me now. Please, I won’t write that stuff about living at your

parents house—“
Edward laughed loud into his beer can, effectively cutting Bella off.
“I don’t care if you tell the world I live at my parents house,” he said, laughter still on his puffy, now
bruising lips.
“Oh. Then what are you getting at?”
“Well. You pretty much just have to hang out with me while I do my thing, right?”
“Right.”
“Good. Because I think we should work on you, too.”

“Pardon me?” Bella asked.
“You look at things all wrong, little green girl. We’re gonna fix that,” Edward said, with a decisive
nod. “I think we should test your limits.”
“You look at things all wrong. You need limits. Maybe we’ll fix that.”
~*!*~


Chapter Four
“You’re not going to find a better Mr. Perfect, are you?” Jacob asked into the phone, flirty, low and

smooth.
“Definitely not,” Bella answered, straightening her back and smiling prettily, because she felt like

she should, even though he couldn’t see her.
Something about Jacob Black made Bella feel like she should be on her best behavior.
But still.
She couldn’t find a more perfect man than Jacob Black. He was tall, dark and handsome. He

could’ve helped Miss Manners publish her etiquette guide. He had a successful career, he carried on

good, intelligent conversation he had a great sense of humor and a warm personality and he
admitted to crying every time he saw the movie Love Story.
“Well, what are you and the subject up to tonight?” Jacob asked, and even though Bella listened for
it, she couldn’t make out a hint of jealousy in Jacobs tone. He was simply curious.
“Classic date,” Bella said.
“Ahh. I remember the classic. Dinner and a movie? Like our classic date?”
“Yep. Exactly,” Bella said, slipping her feet into her flats and circling her apartment for her purse.
“Have a good evening, Bells. I’ll speak to you sometime this week?”
“Absolutely,” Bella replied and hung up the phone.
Jacob and Bella had been seeing each other for about three months now—he was actually her first

subject. And when she pretty much figured out he was the Perfect Man—she thought…why not?
So, fake dating and observing gave way to real dating. Kind of. She couldn’t very well pick her own

boyfriend for the Perfect Man article, so they spoke often and occasionally had dinner and that was
nice. To just get to know Jacob better. There wasn’t a feeling of urgency or desperation to be with

Jacob, as an established, exclusive couple. Things were nice, just the way they were.
Bella found her purse, tightened her ponytail and made her way out the door to meet Edward at the
movie theater. She never let any of the subjects pick her up at her home for these meet ups. If she

insulted them in the article, she didn’t want to be tracked down and gutted in her home, despite the
fact that Simone paid for background checks on each of the guys before she met up with them.
This morning she got an email with Edward Cullen’s check.
He shoplifted when he was fourteen.
He was once arrested for public intoxication and indecent exposure.
And that was it.

Jacob’s check had come back clean as a whistle.
When Bella pulled up at the theater, she noticed Edward already there near the outdoor kiosk, in
the same loose, worn jeans as the other night and a worn, navy blue hooded sweatshirt. His hair

hadn’t been tamed and he hadn’t bothered to shave for the date, either. Still, she stood beside her
truck for a moment and decided he was probably the best looking guy she’d ever seen. She watched

him look up at the marquis and put his fingers in that mess of hair, while he looked over the
options.
“All of this is shit,” Edward said in greeting when Bella was beside him.
“If you’ve never seen them, how would you know?” Bella answered, raising one eyebrow, calling him

out on the soup debacle.
“Clever,” Edward said, then looked at her and smiled.
“Indecent exposure?” Bella asked, taking a step back.
“Oh. Background check came in, huh?” he asked.
“Indeed. Explain yourself before I run away.”
“I could lie. You wouldn’t know the difference anyway,” Edward said. “Besides, you won’t run. You

need me.”
“If my personal safety is at risk, I’ll run. Trust. Besides, I don’t think you’re a liar.”
“Well, if you notice the public intoxication arrest is the same date as the indecent exposure arrest. I

was drunk and the bathroom in the bar I was at was full. I took a piss outside. And Bella. My dick is
so big a cop a mile away saw it and arrested me.”
“Maybe you are a liar,” Bella smirked.
“You caught me. The cop was actually two miles away.”
“Cute.”
“Huge.”
“Whatever. Who should pick the movie?” Bella asked.
“Me. But, is this a test? Like, if I say I want to pick, I’m written up as a controlling, selfish jerk?”

Edward asked suspiciously.
“Do as you would do,” Bella shrugged.
“Okay. I want to see Face Punch. And I want to go dutch because you have a real job and I don’t.”
“Okay,” Bella shrugged.
“Look. I’ve been thinking about this, and normally, if this were a real date, I’d pay. But then I

thought to myself why not be really real? Like, you want to find out what men are all about
really…I’ll show you. Plus, I think you could use the fun.”
“However you wanna play it, Edward,” Bella sighed and they paid for their separate tickets.
After Edward got his popcorn and bucket of soda, he picked the seats, too close for Bella’s

preference, but he hadn’t asked.
She shifted several times in her seat, trying angle her neck so it didn’t feel stiff while she looked up

at the screen.
“If you didn’t like the seat choice you should’ve spoken up,” Edward said. “Do you want to move?”

“No, it’s good,” Bella said.
“You know, if this goes badly, it’d be just as much your fault as mine. I expect a chick to speak up if
I’m doing something she doesn’t like.”
“Okay. Then I don’t like the fact that you’re about to clog like, six arteries with that bucket of
cholesterol,” Bella said.
“If I wasn’t getting paid, this is where we would part ways. I would straight up leave you in this
theater for insulting movie theater popcorn. You have to have popcorn at the theater. It’s the only

reason to go to the movies.”
“Other than to see a movie. And you really wouldn’t leave a girl for that, would you?”
“Oh. I have.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Not at all. We dated for like, three weeks. The first time we go to the movies, she lays that on me
and I left.”
“You’re an asshole, aren’t you?”
“No. Not at all. But what was the point of the entire relationship after that? I mean, I can’t be with a

girl who sneers at movie theater popcorn. That’s a huge wedge that you never get over. Try some,”

he said and thrust the carton at Bella.
She picked up a kernel of popcorn and chewed.
Then took more.
Then she sipped his soda as the lights went down.
Then Edward took the popcorn back and shifted away from Bella, guarding his popcorn.
Unfazed, she reached over and took more.
Twenty minutes into the movie, Edward shifted toward Bella and whispered in her ear.
“This movie is awful. Wanna get up and do it in the bathroom?”
“I…no,” Bella said, shocked but trying not to laugh.
“Let me know if you get bored enough to change your mind,” he said, then sighed and leaned back in

his seat, his feet now making muted tapping noises on the floor.
Five minutes later he was at her ear again.
“Let’s put my sweatshirt over our laps and feel each other up,” he suggested.
“Are you fourteen?” Bella whispered back.
“If this is just child’s play why are you so opposed?”
“You might be insane,” Bella said.
“We could just make out. If this was a real date, I’d try to make out with you.”
“Do as you would,” Bella said, aware she was inviting him to kiss her. And she shouldn’t have done
that—she knew she shouldn’t have done that.
It’s just…he smelled good and he looked so good and he might be crazy but he was funny and she’d
spent the last half hour looking at his strong profile and his strange, messy hair and his big, strong

hands…

“You want to break the kissing seal?” Edward asked quietly and playfully.
“What’s a kissing seal?” Bella whispered back.
“Well. After we kiss once, it’ll be broken. Then we’ll just be free to kiss whenever. Like, if I kiss you

in the theater, I’ll kiss you goodnight. And when we see each other again I’ll kiss you hello. And
whenever else I feel like it. It’ll be kissing anarchy. Unless it’s awful kissing. Then things will just be

awkward for the next month because I’ll know you’re a bad kisser and you’ll know that I think
you’re a bad kisser.”
“What if I don’t want to kiss you again?”
“You will. I’m a phenomenal kisser. But I’m running a risk here, too. What if we kiss and you’re

good and I fall in love with you? What happens in a month? Would I still get paid? Would that make
me feel dirty? You know, this is a horribly thought out experiment you’re running.”
“No one else made it this difficult. You’d fall in love after one kiss?” Bella asked.
“That was a joke.”
“You are the most confusing person ever. Do you even think before you speak?” Bella asked.
“Do you ever give up the prude act?”
“Not for you I won’t. And trust me, it’s a big loss for you,” Bella said, arching an eyebrow and

reaching for the popcorn.
Edward blinked twice.
“That was really mean,” he whispered and shut up for the remainder of the movie.
After the lights went up, Bella and Edward shuffled into the slow moving line of people and headed

down the aisles, through the doors and out into the warm, dark night where the crowd dispersed.
“That was horrible,” Edward lamented. “For future reference, never, ever let me pick a movie. I’m

horrible at picking movies.”
“You wanted to pick—“
“Yeah, but now you know not to let me. I’ll always want to pick, just don’t let me,” Edward said, then
put his hand under the hem of his shirt and rubbed his flat abdomen. “I’m starving. Let’s eat.”
“You just ate three pounds of popcorn—“
“A pound and a half. You ate the other half. Let’s go get spaghetti,” Edward said and just then, his

phone chirped.
He looked down at the screen and saw Em flash, then the voicemail alert chimed. Bella wandered a

bit in front of him in the parking lot while Edward listened to the voicemail.
“Where are you? Feed me. I’m starving,” Emmett’s message whined.
Edward snapped his phone shut and Bella looked over her shoulder at him.
“I have to feed Emmett,” Edward told Bella.
“Is that your dog?” Bella asked.
“Uh. Kind of?”
Twenty minutes later Bella was in a booth sitting across from Edward and Emmett. She’d wanted

Emmett to come to dinner, she’d wanted to meet him. You can tell a lot about a man by the friends
he keeps, and Bella always made a point of meeting friends of her subjects.

“Are you really paying him for this?” Emmett asked Bella, not looking up from his menu.
“Simone magazine is, yes,” Bella said.
“And he doesn’t have to do anything?” Emmett asked.
“No, he just has to hang out with me, and I look for certain qualities and then I’ll do a small write up
on him and rank him with the other nine,” Bella said.
Emmett turned to Edward.
“Is she a pain in the ass?” he asked, like Bella wasn’t even there.
“No. She’s kind of straight laced though. She wouldn’t make out in the movies,” Edward said,
picking up his water.
“I’m right here,” Bella said.
“Go ahead and observe,” Emmett said, waving his hand. “She’s kind of…hot,” he continued.
“She’s funny, too. But I don’t think she means to be,” Edward said.
Emmett smiled at Bella, then leaned back in the booth and carefully appraised her.
“I’ll give you twenty five dollars trade for that necklace,” he said.
“What?” Bella asked, putting a hand to her silver chain.
“Emmett pawns. From his parents basement. Which is why I’m feeding him tonight,” Edward said.
“You don’t have a job?” Bella asked.
“I have three jobs. Pawning. Bench pressing and getting my girl back because she made the biggest

mistake of her life when she dumped me and needs help seeing the error of her ways,” Emmett said.
“Speaking of which, it’s been two hours since my last voicemail. Pardon me a moment.”
Emmett picked up Edwards cell phone from the table and started to dial while Edward looked on in
disdain and Bella watched amused.
Emmett drummed his fingertips on the table while he held the phone to his ear, then started to
speak.
“Rose. It’s Em. Again. Listen. My loneliness is killing me. I must confess, I still believe…when I’m
not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign…hit me, Rosie, one more time.”
Bella paused with her glass of water half way to her lips while she listened, then cocked her head to
the side.
“Emmett has decided the best way to woo Rosalie back is to quote Britney Spears songs into her
voicemail,” Edward told Bella.
“And she won’t take you back? I’m shocked,” Bella quipped.
“Explain to your pseudo John I have a broken heart,” Emmett said to Edward.
“Emmett wouldn’t get a job or act his age so Rosalie dumped him,” Edward explained.
“That’s not exactly how it went down,” Emmett said.
“Yes it is,” Edward said.
“Okay, pretty much it is,” Emmett shrugged.
“So, both of you live with your parents,” Bella said slowly.

“Best arrangement I’ve ever had,” Emmett said. “When Rosalie moves in with me, it’ll be better

though.”
“I’m staying at my parents house temporarily,” Edward said.
“So, unlike Emmett, it isn’t ideal for you?” Bella asked.
“Of course it isn’t. But you know, you do what you gotta do. Ambition,” Edward reminded Bella.
“I’m still not sold on that.”
“There are other reasons,” Edward said and Bella noticed Emmett concentrate on his menu a bit

harder, but before she could ask, the waitress appeared.
“So, are you guys playing hooker again tomorrow night, too?” Emmett asked when his plate was

empty.
“Umm…well. I don’t know. Are you up for more tomorrow?” Bella asked Edward, and, well, she

wanted him to say yes.
“Did you hang out with all of the subjects so much, or am I special?” Edward asked, crunching on ice

chips.
“You’re special all right. Your friend,” Bella said to Emmett, “is a bit of an enigma. I can’t quite get a

firm grasp on him.”
Emmett immediately burst into laughter and Bella rolled her eyes, realizing her mistake of thinking
she was actually speaking with mature adults for a second.
Edward held his composure for half a second before his face broke into a boyish, giddy smile.
“Come on. That was funny,” he said, his voice breaking on laughter.
“I’ll email you tomorrow for a meet up time,” Bella said, fighting her smile and tossing money on the
table before walking out.
~*!*~


Chapter Five
The next evening, Bella found herself standing in front of a full length mirror, trying to check out
her own ass. She shouldn’t worry about what her ass looked like in these jeans, she knew that.
Angela flopped on Bella’s bed and promptly called her out.
“You like this guy, don’t you?” Angela asked suspiciously, raising her feet in the air for pedicure

inspection.
“He’s…well, he definitely keeps me entertained,” Bella shrugged. “But it’s not like that.”
“Bullshit. I think it is like that. He’s definitely the best looking one out of all of them,” Angela said.
“Yeah,” Bella agreed.
“You weren’t supposed to agree. You were supposed to say Jacob Black, The Perfect Man is the best

looking,” Angela accused.
“Jacob is…traditionally handsome. Very handsome. It’s just Edward is…is…”
“Hot. The guy is flipping hot,” Angela said, finding the right word. “So, how is he rating, anyway?”

“I have no idea,” Bella answered truthfully.
“How’s that? You had the others down in like, four days.”
“I don’t know…it’s just…he does these things—things that are all wrong and just horrifying on

paper, but when he’s doing them…I don’t know. I’m sticking with facts for the article. So, I suppose
he isn’t doing that well.”
“What did he do?” Angela asked, rolling to her stomach.
“Our first date was in a parking lot. He beat someone up. We went to the movies and he asked for

sex in the bathroom, but I think he was joking. I mean, I’m pretty sure he was joking. I met a friend
of his who doesn’t have a job. He insisted I pay for my move ticket and then he picked the movie.

And he lives with his parents,” Bella said, screwing up her face at the way it all sounded when she
said it out loud.
“Oh boy,” Angela sighed.
“Exactly.”
“Well. How are things with Jacob?”
“Okay,” Bella said, putting a hand down the top of her tank top to perk up her boobs a bit. “I mean,

good. He’s very nice. It’s good just getting to know him better.”
Angela snorted at Bella.
“What?” Bella asked.
“You’re standing here fluffing your boobs and checking out your butt for the hot guy who hangs out
in parking lots and all you have to say about Mr. Perfect is he’s handsome and nice? You, my friend,

like Edward.”
“I don’t though! I don’t even know him. I don’t even know if he’s being serious half the time he’s

talking.”
“But you like him.”
“I am seeing Jacob.”
“But you’re seeing Edward, too.”
“For work.”
“Jacob started out as work,” Angela retorted.
“It doesn’t even matter. Edward is a subject for the article and he’s only even doing that because
he’s getting paid. Besides, he won’t even break the kissing seal,” Bella said, quickly putting a tissue

between her lips to blot.
“What’s a kissing seal?”
“Hell if I know,” Bella said. “It’s a long story. Do I look okay?”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. Some place with dollar beers and pool tables,” Bella said. “Edward can’t miss dollar

beer night. Apparently.”
“Tank top. Jeans older than my virginity and flip flops. Perfect,” Angela replied.
Edward couldn’t miss dollar beer night for several reasons, the first being it’s fucking dollar beer
night.

The second being it was a designated night to actually see Jasper, which was a rarity lately.
The third being it was fucking dollar beer night.
Edward, Jasper and Alice were milling around a round, sticky table, eating greasy French fries,

drinking dollar beers and placing bets on pool. Emmett was standing there, a finger stuck in one
ear and Edward’s cell phone pressed to the other.
“Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I’m scared of you, Rose. But all I really want is to
hold you tight. Treat you right. Be with you day and night,” Emmett shouted into the phone, then

handed it back to Edward.
“Oh, does Rosalie still hate you?” Alice asked sweetly.
“Did someone invite you here, half-a-lady? Or did you just show up, barge in and bring your clothes
with you like that one time you moved into my apartment?” Emmett asked.
“Shut up, Emmett,” Jasper said absently, picking at his cardboard carton of fries. “Alice is the best
room mate I’ve ever had.”
“Hah!” Alice uttered.
“Don’t go feeling pleased. It’s only because you have a vagina,” Emmett explained.
“And a job. And a significant other. And an I.Q. higher than a ham sandwich. And I’m not an

asshole,” Alice shrugged.
“Whatever, dwarf. Pass me the ketchup and Jasper’s scrotum.”
“Jasper is more of a man than you could ever even imagine to aspire to—“
“Blah blah blah. Only talk to me when it’s to tell me about the break up,” Emmett said, then turned

to Edward. “Where’s the funny girl?”
“She’ll show up,” Edward said.
“I love Simone magazine,” Alice began. “Once, I put together a wardrobe for one of their-“
“Don’t you have to be at least five feet to get into this bar?” Emmett asked.
“Don’t you have to go jerk off into your tears and sing Britney Spears to yourself?”
“When Jasper dumps you, I’m going to find you and laugh at your broken heart, you skanky

Tinkerbell wannabe,” Emmett said.
“Wanna know what I did today, Emmett?” Alice asked.
“Absolutely not.”
“Today I threw away every copy of Sports Illustrated that was littering up my apartment,” Alice

said.
“You’re aware she’s like, three fourths Satan, right?” Emmett asked Jasper.
“That her?” Jasper asked, interrupting Emmett and Alice and pointing over Edward’s shoulder to

Bella, who appeared to be lost.
“That’s her,” Edward said, and smiled over Jaspers shoulder at Bella, who smiled back wider than

she’d smiled all day.
“She’s hot,” Jasper said, assessing Bella as she strode up.
“Nice legs,” Alice commented.

“Yeah,” Edward agreed absently, his eyes on Bella until she was at the table.
Edward reached out and placed a hand on top of Bella’s head and she swatted his hand away.
“Bella, this is Jasper, who has a job, and his girlfriend—“
“Testosterone repellant,” Emmett cut in.
“Alice,” Edward finished.
“Hi Bella,” Alice said, ignoring Emmett and reaching for Bella’s hand. “I love Simone.”
“Oh, thanks! I don’t have an official position yet. I’m kind of hoping to clinch it with…this,” Bella

said, waving a hand in front of Edward. “I’m sure he filled you in on the details.”
“And I can fill you in on details,” Alice said.
“Oh?” Bella asked.
“That’s what this is about, right? Meet the friends, get the scoop?” Alice asked.
“Slight issue with that,” Emmett said. “You and Edward aren’t friends.”
“But I know things,” Alice said.
“Like what things?” Bella asked, grinning.
“You don’t know anything about me,” Edward told Alice.
“Jasper counts him as a very loyal friend,” Alice said, ignoring Edward. “But he can be spiteful.”
“Spiteful?” Bella and Edward asked at the same time.
“He put all of my tampons, my diaphragm, my toothbrush and four tubes of lipstick in the toilet,”

Alice said. “Because he was pissed I was moving in.”
“I did do that. You put all of your shit in my bathroom space,” Edward shrugged.
“My bathroom space,” Alice corrected.
“Who wouldn’t be spiteful?” Edward asked Bella.
“He’s immature, too,” Alice said, pointing out the obvious.
“Will you take her away now, please?” Edward asked Jasper, who put his arms around Alice and

shut her face with a kiss.
“Don’t listen to her. Her brain is half sized, too,” Emmett said. “Who needs another beer?”
An hour later the small table was filled with empty paper dollar beer cups.
“Serioushly, he’s a good guy,” Alice was slurring, her arm linked with Bella’s.
“He’s hot. Right? I mean, it’s not just me, right? That is a hot guy. Alice, as my new sister and
everything, tell me the truth mkay? Edward is hot, right?” Bella was saying, her head on Alice’s

shoulder and her finger trying to point across the bar at Edward, who was at the pool table with his

friends.
“He’s so hot. Donot tell Jazper I says that. But Edward is so hot. Jazz is way hotter, but Edward is so

hot,” Alice said, patting Bella’s cheek.
“I’m not s’possed to be drunk on these dates for like so many reasons,” Bella said, then broke off

into a spout of snorting giggles.

Then she sighed and watched Edward from across the room. He was leaning on his pool cue,

laughing at something Emmett was saying. Then Bella watched while he balanced his paper cup on
the back of his hand and then she watched his eyes kind of concentrate while his mouth curved up

into this half a smile when he flipped his hand and the cup went flying in the air. Then he caught it.
“D’ya know what a kissing seal is, Alice?” Bella asked.
“No. What is it?” Alice asked.
“I’m gonna go break it,” Bella announced and pushed off of Alice.
“Okay,” Alice agreed and nodded enthusiastically.
“I think Fake Date is wasted,” Jasper said, nodding to an oncoming, swaying Bella.
Edward raised his eyebrows in amusement and put his paper cup on the end of the pool table.
“Dollar beer night is treating you good,” Edward laughed as Bella put her hands on her hips, exuding

the kind of sexual confidence only keg beer can give.
“I fucking love dollar beer night,” Bella said.
“You won’t tomorrow. The tricky part about dollar beer night is knowing when to cut yourself off.
You’re a beginner at this so it’s easy to see how you made this mistake. I apologize because I forgot

to warn you.”
“What?” Bella asked.
“Well, it’s so cheap, you just don’t see why you should stop, but when was the last time you were

shitfaced as a result of keg beer? There is a reason only kids drink this cheap shit. Keg hangovers
are terrible.”
“Psssh. I. Feel fantastic,” Bella said, and leaned forward to pull the cue stick from Edward’s grasp.
“I bet you do,” Edward said, ducking his head and scratching at the back of his neck.
Bella went to retort, but a familiar song came on the jukebox and instead of talking her eyes
widened and she dropped the pool cue and clapped her hands. Edward watched with raised

eyebrow while she stumbled to the tiny dance floor where the only other dancer was a sixty
something year old lady with four teeth.
Alice sat at the table all alone and clapped and whooped for dancing Bella, who was all crazy limbs
and stumbling on the floor.
“That girl could be fun if she was always drunk,” Emmett commented while they watched her.
“She’s a horrible dancer,” Edward said just as Bella twirled herself and smiled and sang to the

music. Her makeup was in dark rings under her eyes and all of these sweaty pieces of hair clung to

her face and neck. She danced like a newborn giraffe tried to walk and laughed like a drunk pirate.
“This is just painful to see,” Edward said, then thrust his cue at Jasper and walked out to the floor.
The sixty something year old swooped in on Edward and Bella squealed and pointed when he
wrapped an arm around her waist and dipped her once and quick before spinning her away from

himself. Confused and content, the woman gave Bella a thumbs up and kept her dance on.
“Okay, you need help,” Edward said, slipping behind Bella.
“I’m feeling the rhythm,” Bella said, flinging her arms in the air.
“Yeah, your own. But I can’t be seen with you after this. You’re embarrassing me,” Edward said,

then his hands were on her hips.

Bella looked down and smiled at his grip on her, her whole body stilling.
“Like this,” Edward said, and with just a few slight movements of his wrists, her hips were rolling
smooth and in actual time to the music.
“Oh…” Bella uttered.
One of Edwards hands went flat across her abdomen and she felt it down in her pants, then he

lightly kicked her left calf.
“This one,” he murmured in her ear from behind. “One…then two…”
She felt the tap on her right calf and repeated until she was dancing. His hand slid from her stomach
back to her hip and she felt the scratch of his jaw against her temple.
She pressed her back into him and his firm grasp inched up.
Bella opened her mouth and gasped three times, like a fish gasping for air, and all the while he kept

their fluid motion going.
“How…how do you know how to do this?” she asked.
“Shouldn’t all perfect men know how to dance with a lady?”
“I…this is not perfect man danshing. Jacob Black tookme perfect man dancin’. An’ it wasn’t like

this.”
“Jacob Black? That’s Mr. Perfect, then?”
“Shit…hey, don’t say that out loud to anyone, kay?”
“Kay.”
“Serisously. How? I’m…how can you do this?”
“Well,” Edward said softly, picking up her left hand and lacing her fingers through his, “my dad was
a doctor—“
“Doctors don’t dance.”
“And when I was really little, he was still doing his residency, which means he worked most nights,”

Edward continued, bringing their joined hands to her stomach again, “and my mother had a bunch
of residents’ wives as girlfriends.”
“So?”
“You’re impatient when you’re drunk. Anyway, what my mother did, is she flipped our schedule so

we could see my dad when I was on summer vacations. And so, we’d sleep all day and be up all
night…and she’d have her friends over while they waited on their husbands…and I remember they’d

play records—“
“I miss records.”
“Me too. So I remember it was so hot, muggy and just hot, and they’d open the windows and dance.

Their hips would be swaying and they’d be laughing and I swear my first memories are of swaying
hips and legs that went on for miles. By the time I was twelve I could dance.”
“My dad watched sports on television. And I can’t play any sport,” Bella said.
“I’m not shocked. Your coordination is terrible,” Edward said, and before Bella knew what

happened, she was spun forward and her face was in his neck.
His arm went around her back and he swayed them exaggeratedly to the music.

“Who’s in last place?” Edward asked. “Who scored the two?”
“I can’t tell you that! Itslike…my almost job on the line. See these are confidential things, Edward.
His name was Waylon and he had this thing about chicken wire and scented lubricant? And he kept

wanting to go on a couples massage thing but a naked one and his shirts always smelled like cat piss
and he wasn’t even nice.”
“Are you serious about the chicken wire and lube?”
“Scented. He was spashific about that. Cause I asked about fantashies and hey—it’s Simone

magazine I ask everyone about fantasies. I’ll ask ya about that sometime. And we still gotta do ex-
girlfriend list too—“
“Wait, what?” Edward asked without breaking rhythm.
“Talk to your exes. But first, you know I was thinking I’m okay with kissing anarchy.”
“What?”
“Your thing. About kissing seals and kissing anarchy. I wanna break the seal,” Bella said, staring at

Edward’s half smiling, full lips while she went limp and let him move her.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re so hot…”
Edward straightened Bella up and put his hands on either side of her sweaty, red cheeked face.
“We can’t break the seal.”
“Why?” Bella asked, leaning up on her tiptoes to get closer to his lips.
“Because—“
Then Bella became very aware they weren’t dancing but somehow the room was still spinning.
Then Bella tried to swallow hard and press her lips together right before she grabbed on to

Edward’s shirt and puked on their feet.
“Of that,” Edward said flatly while Bella retched and Emmett clapped and Alice put a hand over her

mouth and tried not to laugh.
~*!*~


Chapter Six
Bella woke up late the next morning with a pounding headache, a queasy stomach, oily skin and

hair that smelled like cigarettes and vomit.
After twenty minutes of not opening her eyes and another twenty of staring at her ceiling
contemplating how she may have told Edward he was hot then puked on him, she made her way to

the bathroom on heavy, wobbly legs.
She stared at her bloodshot raccoon eyes in the mirror while she fumbled for her toothbrush, then

noticed a huge red zit sprouting just to the left of her nose.
Bella groaned and brushed her teeth with her eyes closed, fighting nausea. It was only after she spit

and rinsed did she realize she was still in the same clothes from last night, including one flip
flop. Then she had a memory of Edward pleading “no no no no” as she threw up in a car.

In the passenger seat.
While he drove.
Bella sat on the toilet and peed and wished herself dead.
She sat there until there was a soft, polite, insistent never ending knock on her door.
Quickly, she swiped at the makeup under her eyes and stopped finger combing her hair when her

fingers kept getting stuck.
When she finally made it to the front door, she blinked bleary eyed at Jacob, who was standing there

with two bottles of water in a navy blue track suit.
“Are you okay?” he blurted out when he saw her.
“Shh. I’m fine,” Bella croaked out, her throat parched and grainy.
“Ahh. Too much to drink last night?” Jacob asked, and when he smiled, Bella squinted because his

teeth were too big and white and shiny.
“Yeah…”
“Subject number ten treating you okay?” Jacob asked concerned.
“He’s…yes. It’s fine, thank you,” Bella said.
“Good, good. So. Jogging this morning?”
“I. Oh! Oh, Jacob, I completely forgot,” Bella said, stepping aside as Jacob stepped inside.
“No problem,” Jacob said, and thrust a bottle of water at Bella. “You could probably still use that.”
“Yeah…thanks,” Bella said, shifting on her feet and wanting him to leave so she could get in the
shower so she could get back into her bed of nausea and shame.
“So, rain check on the jogging?” Jacob asked, starting to run in place.
“Please. I’m so sorry, Jacob…I just…”
“It’s no problem at all, Bella,” Jacob grinned then leaned forward to kiss the top of her head. “I don’t
judge.”
Bella blinked once.
“Uh. Thanks,” she uttered.
“Get some rest, I’d like to take you to dinner sometime this week,” Jacob grinned.
“Sure, that’d be nice,” Bella said, then there was a tap on the open door, making them both turn

around.
Edward was there, one coffee in his hand and damp hair that hung in his eyes.
“Oh my god,” Bella moaned under her breath, then she sighed deep and tried to smile. “Jacob, this is

Edward. He’s participating in the Seattle’s Perfect Man article, too. Edward, this is Jacob.”
“Hi, buddy,” Jacob said and reached out a hand to Edward.
“Hi there, Boss,” Edward said, shaking Jacob’s hand.
“I’ve got that number one slot locked,” Jacob winked then playfully punched Edwards arm.
“Awesome. You just…keep on being perfect,” Edward said then gave Bella the side eye.

“Okay,” Jacob announced. “I’ve got endorphins to catch. You two have a good day.”
Bella and Edward both stared at the door Jacob had just jogged out of.
“Really?” Edward asked, still staring at the door.
“He’s a good guy,” Bella muttered.
“But…really?” Edward asked again. “He’s so…so…”
“Perfect,” Bella said.
“I don’t—holy shit!” Edward practically yelled.
“What?” Bella asked startled and Edward pointed at Bella’s face.
“That thing is huge!”
“What are you doing here?” Bella asked, putting a finger over her zit.
“Does that beast hurt?” Edward asked, his eyebrows furrowing in concern but his voice laughing.
“You know, Jacob didn’t even mention the zit.”
“Obviously, his eye sight isn’t perfect. Is the man blind?” Edward asked, his eyes wide.
“How do you even know where I live?” Bella asked.
“You gave me directions last night while you weren’t busy puking all over my car,” Edward

said. “Don’t worry. I didn’t cop any feels or anything.”
“I…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…puked in your car.”
“It happens to first time dollar beer folk.”
“Is that for me?” Bella asked, reaching for his coffee.
“Hell no it’s not for you,” Edward said, then sipped the coffee.
“You didn’t warn me and I drank shitty beer, made a fool of myself dancing, called you hot, told you I
wanted to kiss you then puked in your car. I’m ashamed and humiliated and I think you can have

enough pity on me to give me the damn coffee,” Bella said.
“All good points,” Edward mumbled. “You can sip. Did you brush your teeth?”
Bella took the cup and sipped, feeling soothed for the first time since she opened her eyes.
“Anyway. I thought you’d need a ride to your truck. You left it at the bar,” Edward said.
“Super. Excellent. I left my truck at a bar,” Bella remarked dryly.
“But you had fun. Broke through some of those limits last night,” Edward said, shoving her shoulder

with his.
“There are certain limits…that don’t need to be broken. Ever.”
“Like you dancing,” Edward said. “We won’t do that again. Ever.”
“Excuse me. I got better as the night wore on.”
“Okay. You can dance again. But only if it’s with me,” Edward said and Bella paused with the cup at

her lips, not really wanting to protest that but knowing it would be too obvious if she didn’t.
Edward shifted on his feet, not feeling awkward about what he said at all, just more waiting on her

response.

She didn’t give one.
One ten minute shower later, Bella and Edward were getting into his car. When Bella opened the
passenger door, she found the seat and the floor covered with big black garbage bags and the heavy,

nauseating smell of vomit assaulted her.
“This is how you clean? Put garbage bags over vomit?” Bella asked.
“No. If it was my puke I would’ve cleaned it thoroughly,” Edward said, starting the engine as Bella
crinkled and winced on the garbage bags when she sat. “Alas, it isn’t my puke. It’s yours.”
Edward reached in the center console then tossed a heavy roll of quarters onto Bella’s lap.
She stared at the quarters and groaned while Edward grinned.
“We’re stopping for more coffee first,” she said, and this time, he paid for her coffee.
Ten minutes later the loud whir of the do it yourself car wash was making Bella impossibly more

nauseous.
“Make sure you get the crevice,” Edward said, practically towering over Bella as she held the

outdoor shampoo hose to his upholstery.
“I am…getting the crevice,” she mumbled, nauseated at the smell of her own stale vomit. Her limbs

were heavy and moving slow and she was annoyed by Edward, leaning against the open car door,

sipping coffee and surveying her work.
The loud vroom and suction of the vacuum was making her dizzier and the sweet smell of the

shampoo made her gag.
“This is pathetic. You’re not very good at this,” Edward said, then he reached around Bella and

grabbed the hose.
“I can do it,” Bella said, standing up and reaching back for the hose.
“You could. If I wanted my car to stink like barf for the next…forever. Ya got to put a little elbow into
it,” Edward said, then sidestepped her and leaned into the car.
Then Bella felt like a jerk, because while it was jerky of him to insist she clean the car, it was jerkier
of her not to actually clean the car.
Edward was always twisting things around like this.
“I really…let me do it,” Bella shouted over the thrum of the shampooer.
“Hell no. You can spring for a new air freshener,” Edward shouted back, then looked up and over his
shoulder at Bella. “But not pine. I prefer the fresh citrus lemon ones. The smell makes me feel like

I’m on vacation.”
“You’re very strange,” Bella shouted back.
“You really can’t afford to insult me right now,” Edward said, before turning back to the car.
But Bella never said it was an insult.
Instead of clarifying, she walked inside the gas station and picked out a lemon scented air

freshener, turned the carousel of cheap, plastic sunglasses and avoided looking at sickly pink
Hostess Sno-Balls. Then something else caught her eye.
A stack of gas station C.D.’s with a thick layer of dust on them. Bella looked over her shoulder and
saw Edwards lower half still hanging out of the passenger side of his car. She grinned and flipped

through the selection.

Abba.
Rod Stewart.
Sinatra Croons Christmas Tunes.
Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits.
Bingo! Bella put the air freshener and the C.D. on the counter and paid, already feeling a little

better.
Back at the car, Edward was putting another garbage bag over the still wet passenger seat.
“Do you just…carry garbage bags around?” Bella asked, hiding the C.D. behind her back.
“It’s a good thing I do,” Edward said, then waved her dramatically into the car. Bella quickly put Billy

Joel on Edward’s seat then stared forward, trying to suppress laughter.
Edward opened the door and stopped short, and Bella shoulders shook with laughter.
His tongue poked the side of his cheek and he stared at the C.D. for a second with squinted eyes
before he picked it up and got in the car.
“You think this is funny?” he asked, holding up the C.D.
“It’s a gift. Now like it or not, you own Billy Joel’s greatest hits,” Bella said.
“Alright,” Edward said, nodding slowly. He took the C.D. and used his teeth to tear away at the

cellophane covered corner.
“That’s disgusting. Do you have any idea how many people probably touched that?” Bella asked.
“Hah! My guess is not many,” Edward said his lips unmoving and his teeth peeling away the thin
plastic.
When it was unwrapped, he tossed the C.D. on Bella’s lap and started the car.
“Toss ‘er in,” Edward said, nodding at the stereo.
“Oh? You want to listen?” Bella asked, raising her eyebrows.
“Bella. You have no idea what you’ve just started,” Edward said and Bella put the C.D. in. Edward put

the car in reverse and while one hand worked the stick shift, his knees drove and his other hand
flicked buttons, flipping through tracks on the album.
“You ready for this?” Edward asked, finally choosing a song.
“We Didn’t Start The Fire?” Bella shrugged.
And then he sang. Loudly. Every single word.
Bella stared with her mouth open while Edward shouted the quick lyrics, occasionally pointing at

her while he sang, but more doing this odd fist pumping motion to punctuate the rhythm of the

song. And when it finally ended, Edward started it over again and resumed singing, ignoring Bella,
gaping like a fish at him.
“How do you—“
“Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn’s got a winning team, Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley,

Disneyland—“
“Know this?”

“Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev, Princess Grace, Peyton Place—“ Edward sang on, jabbing

his finger in her direction.
She shut up until the song finished for the second time.
“How do you even know all that? You don’t like Billy Joel.”
“Before I say I don’t like something, I better damn well know it. We’ve discussed this,” Edward said,

then started the song over again.
“Please, not again,” Bella said.
“You who tries to annoy me with Billy Joel asks for no more Billy Joel? I don’t think your lessoned is
learned. Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray…”
Bella put her hands over her ears and leaned against the window, letting her eyes close while
Edward sang, exacerbating her headache and being generally annoying.
When the song ended for the fifth time, Edward turned down the radio and gave Bella a side look.
“What?” she asked.
“Last night you mentioned—“
“I called you hot and said I wanted to break the seal. I know I said all that but I was drunk and can’t

we just leave it at that? I mean—“
“That’s not what I was going to ask about, but since you brought it up, we could delve into that. What
exactly about me is hot? Is it my fine chiseled features? Or maybe my quick wit and impressive

dance skills. I have hot moves—“
“What were you going to ask?” Bella snapped, embarrassed and sulky.
“You mentioned meeting exes?”
“Is that a problem? Are you hiding a bevy of scorned women?” Bella asked.
“Not at all. Just…why?”
“It’s part of the Finding the Perfect Man plan. Of course I speak to exes. It gives perspective, besides,

like you once pointed out, it’d be too easy to play yourself off as the perfect man. This one guy was
doing really well, had me completely snowed. I talked to three of his exes, they were all dumped two

days before Valentines day, not coincidentally, also after the first time they had sex. He mapped it
all out like that.”
“Why?” Edward asked.
“Hell if I know. Some odd little man game he plays. But, had I not talked to the exes, I wouldn’t have

known. So. Make me a list.”
“I could give you a fake list. Or I could give you a list of people I know will only say good things, and
leave all the scorned women out,” Edward pointed out. “Again, with the flaws in this thing.”
“You already decided to play honestly.”
“That could’ve been a lie.”
“Just…make the damn list, Edward. Besides, I have fact checkers at my disposal. Something I’m sure
the flier you write for doesn’t.”
“Well. Aren’t you important?”
“Yes.”

“I’ll give it to you next week. I won’t be around this weekend.”
“Where are you off to?”
“I’m sorry, when did we get married?”
“I was just…making conversation,” Bella muttered.
“I’ll tell you where I’m going, but first you answer a question for me,” Edward said, then he turned

the radio off completely and glanced at Bella.
“What?” she asked, slow and suspicious.
“Why are you doing this? This whole perfect man thing?”
“Uh. Have you a short term memory issue? We’ve been over this.”
“You’re doing an article for Simone magazine. Got it. But you chose to go out and search for the
Perfect Man. You found what you say is the perfect man—that puttz in windpants—and now you’re

dating him. It just seems like there’s more than meets the eye here.”
“Like what?” Bella asked, crossing her arms over her chest in defense.
“I don’t know,” Edward shrugged.
“You know what? I’m hung over and tired and I have my own puke under my fingernails. I’m mostly

humiliated as it is right now anyway, and you already started playing junior psychologist, so just say

whatever it is you want to say,” Bella snapped.
“I think you stumbled on a safe way to find a safe relationship. I don’t know if it’s because you were

lonely or had shitty experiences in the past, but I think your version of perfect is boring, stable and
safe.”
“I think you’re a presumptuous asshole,” Bella said flatly, and turned her face to the window.
“Yeah, probably. But I’m still right.”
“No. And you don’t know me. You have no idea about why I am choosing to pursue a relationship
with Jacob Black, who, by the way, possesses more manners than you could ever dream of.”
“Oh, right. Manners. What a turn on.”
“Why are you doing this?” Bella asked.
“You just told me to tell you—“
“You bought it up!”
“I like you,” Edward shrugged. “You’re not perfect. You’re uptight about all the wrong shit, you like
shitty music, you can’t dance, and the way you chew gets on my nerves. And you can’t hold your

liquor. And you have a huge zit right now. You’re not perfect. But I like you. A lot. So I was just

wondering, what exactly, the hell you are up to with all of this.”
Bella shook her head and shoved her sunglasses up to her head.
“You like me?”
“Yes. I’d date you, even if I wasn’t getting paid at this point. I like you.”
“You just…you’re just saying that? Just like that?”
“If this was sixth grade I’d have my friend give your friend a note, but it’s not. I like you, so I’m

telling you.”

“Oh…”
“Jesus. Don’t turn all red,” Edward sighed, and just then, he pulled into the lot where Bella’s truck
was the only vehicle still parked. “I’d ask you to lunch but I have a…thing.”
“Oh. Right. Well. A thing?” Bella asked.
Edward put a hand up and shook his head.
Bella fumbled for the door handle and Edward watched, amused, his mouth kind of in a slightly
open smile.
“Thank you for the ride…and…sorry. About the puke and, um, okay. Okay. I’ll email you
and. Okay. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Bella?”
“Um, yeah, what?” she asked, one leg out the door already.
“Sucker dipping.”
“What?”
“I’m going sucker dipping this weekend with Emmett, we go all the time in the summer. You can
come with us.”
“Oh. Yes. Observe. I should. I will. So, okay, good, bye,” Bella said, then shut the door on Edward’s

laughter and kept her wide eyes on her feet until she made it to her truck.
~*!*~


Chapter Seven
Bella went straight home and sat on her couch and stared at the blank television for ten minutes

before she called up Angela.
“Bella, how was dollar beer—“
“Edward told me he liked me.”
“What?” Angela asked.
“I told him he was hot and I wanted to break the kissing seal, but we didn’t even kiss, I puked in his
car and he brought me home and today he made me clean out the puke and he told me he liked me.”
“What? Oh. Okay. Do you like him?”
“I…I think he has a bad temper. He doesn’t really have any career motivation and he lives with his

parents.”
“He’s really hot,” Angela offered.
“He insulted the way I chew. And he laughed at this huge zit I have.”
“He’s really hot.”
“Angela.”
“Bella. Do you like him?”

“Jacob bought me water this morning and Edward demanded to know if I brushed my teeth before I

took a sip of his coffee, he didn’t bring one for me. Jacob is much more thoughtful.”
“Thoughtful is nice.”
“Yes! Thoughtful is nice. And Jacob didn’t even say anything at all about the zit. He’s always such a
gentleman.”
“Good, gentlemen are good. Not enough gentlemen these days,” Angela said impassively.
“Exactly,” Bella said, nodding her head hard.
“How is Edward rating so far, for the article?” Angela asked.
Right. The article. The whole and only point of all of this.
“Well. He isn’t thoughtful, he beat someone up, his career aspirations aren’t exactly lighting the
world on fire, he made fun of me, he lives with his parents, our first date was in a parking lot, he

propositioned me for sex in a public bathroom on our second date, he’s pretentious and
judgmental.”
“Hmmm,” Angela hummed.
“Exactly. So, no, I can’t like him. I’m not even sure he’s gonna rate top five.”
“So, you can’t like him?”
“No.”
“O-kay, Bella,” Angela said, in a cryptic way that made Bella annoyed.
“And he’s rude. He asked me, no he implied that I’m doing this article to find…to find a safe man to
have a relationship with. Like I’m using work to find a man. He thinks I’m desperate and conniving.”
“He said he likes you.”
“He says random things to shock me all the time.”
“You don’t think he likes you?”
“I don’t know! But I do know…he’s just…not the perfect man.”
“O-kay.”
“Okay,” Bella huffed. “And then he said he’d ask me to lunch, but he has a thing. He couldn’t just say

what it was? No. He couldn’t. Because clearly, he had some kind of date or seal breaking
appointment with some chick—“
“Bella. You’re not really dating him. He can have dates.”
“I know that!”
“You date Jacob—“
“I know that! Whatever. Look. What the hell is sucker dipping?”
“What? I have no idea.”
“Awesome,” Bella said flatly, huffed a goodbye at amused and bewildered Angela, and hung the
phone up.
Then she quickly picked it up and dialed the research and reference department at Simone
magazine and was promised a list of names and contact information for the relationships past of

one Edward A. Cullen.

Several hours later across town, Edward and Emmett were playing horse shoes in the McCarty’s

back yard while Mr. and Mrs. McCarty pulled weeds.
“So,” Edward said, tossing a horse shoe, “I like Bella. I’ll probably fall in love with her by the time

this thing is over.”
“Yeah? Score. Love is awesome. Until either a: recipient of your love demands things like jewelry

and says you have to get a job or b: you grow female genitalia, a la Jasper,” Emmett said.
“Yeah, I’m hoping for some kind of middle ground on that,” Edward said.
“Good luck with that,” Emmett said, then pointed to his father. “You missed the prickly weeds, Old
Man. That shit itches my ankles.”
“I want him off of my property,” Mr. McCarty said to Mrs. McCarty.
“He has sensitive skin around his ankles, dear,” Mrs. McCarty said, and patted Mr. McCarty on the

shoulder.
Mr. McCarty turned a curious shade of maroon under his visor and Mrs. McCarty quickly re-directed

his attention back to weeding.
“She’s coming with us this weekend,” Edward told Emmett.
“Awesome. Hey, why don’t I just call her Alice and kick myself out of your life before she has a

chance to?”
“Don’t drag Edward down with you,” Mr. McCarty shouted over his shoulder and Edward raised his

beer to him in thanks. “Some men want to live with women in a functional relationship.”
“You’re biased, Old Man, you live with mom. She’s the coolest chick in the world.”
“I never said I wanted to live with the girl. I said I liked her,” Edward shrugged.
“I can see why,” Emmett said. “She’s kind of funny. She might be an alcoholic, but she’s funny

alright.”
“She’s dating some douche. Like the douche. When I met him he was wearing a track suit and he

smiles like Barry Gibb post porcelain veneers.”
“Is she paying him, too?”
“She did, but now she’s not.”
“Tell her to stop dating him and date you. But only after you get paid.”
“Yeah, well, it’s gonna take some effort. I think she thinks she likes him. But she can’t possibly really
like the guy. He’s like…Ken. As in Ken and Barbie.”
“Gross.”
“Exactly. Anyway, I told her I liked her and she got all red and couldn’t form a sentence. She likes
me. She just…the problem with Bella is she is always playing things safe. She even waitresses as a

safety net.”
“Look,” Emmett said, now holding the horseshoes out at either arms length, “we can sit here and

paint each others nails and trade tampons or some shit and keep talking about this, or you can take
my advice.”
“Which is?”
“You seriously want chick advice from me?” Emmett asked, genuinely surprised.

“Don’t take his advice,” Mr. McCarty bellowed from across the yard.
“Lay it on me,” Edward said.
“If you like the girl, get her,” Emmett shrugged.
“How sage like,” Mr. McCarty called.
“I think I will,” Edward said decisively.
“Score. Now let me see your phone. I’ve got my own girl to get,” Emmett said, snatching Edwards
phone from his back pocket.
“You’re taking simple minded advice from a guy who is trying to get his girlfriend back by quoting a
pop tart,” Mr. McCarty said, while Emmett held the phone to his ear.
“I think it’s sweet, Dear,” Mrs. McCarty said. “Kids don’t write love letters and send candy
anymore. You have to be hip with the times.”
“He isn’t a kid!” Mr. McCarty protested.
Emmett gave his mom a thumbs up then spoke into the phone.
“Rosie, Rosie…why are we strangers when our love is strong? Every time I try to fly I fall, without my
wings, I feel so small. I guess I need you, baby.”
By Monday afternoon, Bella had a lunch date for Wednesday with four of Edwards ex

girlfriends. She promised herself she wouldn’t leave that lunch without some kind of evidence that
Edward Cullen was just horrible boyfriend material.
She also promised herself she wouldn’t be jealous of people who’d broken the kissing seal with
Edward.
~*!*~


Chapter Eight
Bella walked into the designated restaurant on Wednesday, feeling quite smug for pulling this off so
quickly and behind Edward’s back. She knew she was here to dish for the article. She knew it was

work. But really, she was both dreadful and hopeful about information regarding Edward.
Part of her wanted to hear he was a lying prick, a smooth talker, because then she could write him

off and concentrate on Jacob. She was just a little uncertain how that would make her feel.
She made her way to the bar, where she told all the women to meet her, and sure enough, a gaggle of

ladies was already there, smiling and laughing like old friends and dead center in the middle of all

of them was Edward.
Bella stopped short, her mouth fell open and she stared without being noticed for a good half a

minute.
Edward was wide eyed, talking with a good natured smile playing on his lips, and the women were

captivated by him. Laughing and touching his forearms while he spoke and then Bella felt…jealous.
“What are you doing here?” she sputtered, forgetting any kind of greeting or introductions and they

all turned to face her.
“Having lunch,” Edward shrugged, then raised his whiskey glass to her, before sipping.

“Bella Swan?” a tall, blonde with sun kissed skin and not a touch of makeup on smiled and reached

her hand out to Bella.
“Hello,” Bella smiled back and shook her hand.
“Hi, I’m Tanya. It’s so good to meet you! How fun is this? We were all excited to get a phone call from
Simone,” Tanya said, and she seemed genuine.
“Thank you. Thank you…all. So much for agreeing to this,” Bella said, taking stock of the chicks.
Another blonde introduced herself as Kate. She was short and wore chunky jewelry and Bella didn’t

miss her cheeks go red when Edward ruffled her hair.
Jessica Stanley, mousy colored curly hair, talkative and exuberant.
Lauren Mallory quiet, but had definite understated beauty.
“Let’s get you a drink, Bella. You look like you could use a drink,” Edward said, leaning back against

the bar and grinning.
“Oh, I can’t—“
“Edward is buying,” Jessica giggled and tipped back her cranberry and vodka.
Edward smiled wide fake, showing all of his white teeth.
“I have to get to work after this, I really can’t,” Bella said, then pulled out a stool for herself, right

between Tanya and Lauren.
“Bella,” Edward told the girls, “says she’s a writer, but really, she’s a waitress because she is unsure

of her talent.”
“That’s not true. Edward makes ridiculous assumptions. And besides, we’re not here to talk about

me,” Bella said.
“And I think she has an alcohol problem,” Edward continued.
“Dollar beer night?” Tanya asked Bella quickly, while her mouth was still open in shock.
Bella nodded and the girls all started screeching in enthusiastic understanding. Bella suddenly felt

like she was smack in the middle of a sorority…comprised only of members who had dated Edward
Cullen.
“Okay, okay, down to business,” Bella said, pulling out a recorder and setting it on the bar. “I’m
going to just go around, ask about Edward, and you all answer. Say as little or as much as you’re

comfortable with, okay?”
An agreement murmured through the group and Edward sipped his beer, his eyes eager and

amused.
“We can make him leave, if it’s easier to talk about him behind his back,” Bella smiled.
“No,” the girls chorused and Bella leaned back in her stool from their sheer force.
“I believe in brutal honesty,” Edward said. “These girls have nothing to hide from me.”
“That you know of,” Bella mumbled, “Okay, who’s the first?”
“That would be me,” Kate with the clunky bracelet said.
“Okay, Kate. Give me the pros.”
“He’s gorgeous—“

“Thanks, Katie,” Edward butt in.
“Like he said, he’s honest. He’s a great kisser and you know…he’s nice. He’s a genuinely good
hearted person, he doesn’t say or do things just because he’s supposed to.”
Vague.
“Okay, okay,” Bella said, not needing to hear one more good thing about Edward. “Why did you

break up?”
“I wanted more of a commitment. When I thought it was time to start looking at rings or whenever

I’d bring up the topic of kids, he’d beg off, you know? And finally he just told me he wasn’t ready to
start planning a wedding and…that was it.”
“Commitment-phobe!” Bella blurted out, a bit too triumphantly.
Edward slammed his beer on the bar and pointed at Kate.
“Now tell her the rest of it,” he urged.
“What?” she asked, her eyes narrowing.
“We were sophomores in high school!” Edward said, exasperated.
“My mom married my dad just out of high school,” Kate shrugged.
“I just turned sixteen!”
“Okay. You had a point,” Kate said.
“Okay, so, he was a decent high school sweetheart,” Bella said, unintentionally a bit flat.
“Yes,” Kate said, decisively.
“Who’s up next?”
Edward pointed to Lauren.
“Okay…Edward and I dated for about seven months exclusively. He’s fun. A lot of fun. Maybe too

much fun for me? At the time, we were young, about twenty. He went out a lot with his two friends—
“
“Did he ditch you for his friends?” Bella asked.
“No, not really, he always invited me along…I’m more of a homebody and just. We weren’t

compatible. I found someone who was.”
“She fucked the student loan officer,” Edward interjected.
“Edward!” Bella snapped. “Lauren is only supposed to share what she’s comfortable with—“
“It’s true. I did. I cheated on Edward,” Lauren said. “I was an asshole.”
“You sure were,” Edward said. “But whatever. I knew it wasn’t gonna work anyway,” Edward said,

then patted the top of Lauren’s head. She smiled wistfully into her drink.
“You weren’t upset?” Bella asked Edward.
“Uh. I spent about three weeks pretty sure my dick was too small, if that counts. And I may have
displaced some of my humiliation turned violence onto the student loan officer. But I didn’t love

her, so…ultimately, my pride was hurt. But that’s about it.”
“He got into a fight with the student loan officer,” Lauren clarified.

“Of course I did,” Edward shrugged. “It’s not like I could hit you.”
“Did you want to hit her?” Bella gaped.
“No. But I got cheated on. Someone needed to get hit. It seemed so at the time anyway. I was twenty

and drunk.”
“I’m still really sorry,” Lauren said.
“It still really doesn’t matter,” Edward smiled. “Water under the bridge. We were never right for
each other anyway.”
“Right. Okay. Jessica? What about you and Edward?” Bella said, getting impatient for some real
decent dirt.
“I was the Lauren rebound he used to prove his dick wasn’t small,” Jessica said.
“I told you I was sorry,” Edward said.
“I remember. Anyway, he was fun, he was reckless and he used me.”
Edward pursed his lips in contemplation and finally nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, okay. That’s true.”
Bella quickly scribbled down notes in her notebook, and Edward raised an eyebrow at her.
“Anxious for the dirt? All you had to do was ask. I used Jessica. Maybe even at the time I knew I was

doing it, but I’m not sure. In hind sight, I am sorry I did…but I think to a degree, everyone does that
after a break up. Right? Feeling insecure? Gotta prove it to yourself? Looking for ass?” Edward

offered.
Jessica sighed and turned to Bella.
“I thought I was falling in love with him. Maybe I was. He let me and it was easy to do. He’s sweet,
he’s funny, he’s smart and good looking. I thought he wanted me to fall in love with him. That’s why

people date, right? When I told him that I was falling for him, he cut it off.”
“That,” Edward said, “was the right thing to do. I could’ve just let it go on, knowing I didn’t feel the

same way.”
“Or you could’ve told me from the beginning we weren’t going to go anywhere.”
Edward plunked his drink down and put his hands in the air.
“Why on earth would I have done that? I was getting laid. You were getting laid. Telling you would

make no sense! And it’s not like I lied. The minute you asked, I told you.”
“You led her on,” Bella said.
“No. We were having fun and the second she brought up anything serious, I told her where I stood.”
“He led me on,” Jessica said, ignoring Edward.
“You’re both wrong,” Edward said. “Jessica, you’re awesome, had I been looking for anything serious

at the time, it’d have been with you. But I just wasn’t. Besides, I saw your engagement notice in the
paper last month, thus proving I was right about us. Congratulations, by the way.”
“Thank you. And yes, I’m glad I’m not married to you, yes I’m glad it worked out the way it did but
that still doesn’t mean you were right.”
“Yes it does,” Edward replied flippantly.

“So, you get to decide what is best for each relationship you’re in?” Bella asked.
“No. I get to decide what is best for me,” Edward said.
“You led her on,” Bella concluded again.
“If your definition of “leading someone on” means you can’t have a good time with someone for a
few months without intentions of marriage, then sure, Bella. You write that in the article.”
“Did you tell her you liked her?” Bella asked, and she knew, she just knew that she was getting
argumentative for all the wrong reasons. She knew she was being irate and she knew she couldn’t

use this for the article. But still. Now she just had to know.
“Sure. I did like her.”
Jessica put down her drink, straightened her back and grinned at Bella while making air quotes and
using a deep voice, doing a poor imitation of Edward.
“I like you a lot. I love hanging out with you. I got tickets to a ball game, wanna come with me and
Emmett? You can spend the night,” Jessica rattled off, then went back to employing her normal voice

and turned to Bella. “I mean, what would you think?”
“I’d think the guy was interested in long term,” Bella agreed.
“That’s dumb,” Edward shrugged. “I’m not out to leave clues when I’m dating someone. I say what I

mean it’s your fault for reading too much into it.”
“And then he does things like that,” Jessica said. “He makes you think you must be crazy, desperate

and paranoid because he uses his simple, black and white logic.”
Jessica made a very, very good point.
“It is that simple,” Edward retorted.
“He spent Christmas with me and my parents,” Jessica said and the table of girls gasped.
“What?” Edward asked, exasperated.
“You spent holidays with parents!” Kate said, gesturing to Edward. “That’s a big freaking deal! I’d

think you were gonna stick around long term, too.”
“We were seeing each other during that time!” Edward said. “I happened to see her on Christmas and

all of you are nuts.”
“You tell people you like them, you sleep with them and break kissing seals and you act like you’re

having the time of your life and you go meet parents on Christmas! That is playing with people,
Edward! You lead people on, so they think they’re special and hold some kind of special place in

your life, when the reality is, you’re just not as invested as you let people believe!” Bella ranted,

then shut up when she paused for a breath, as the table was staring at her.
“I’m…sorry. That was…I have to get to work. Thank you all for agreeing to this, I’ll have someone

from the magazine call you about fine details…I’ll stop at the front and put the drinks on the Simone
account…so. Right. Thanks. Bye,” Bella said, gathering her purse, not looking at any of them.
Edward excused himself from his group of former girlfriends to catch up with Bella in the parking
lot, and didn’t bother to hide his laughter when she was still there, fumbling with her keys at the

door of her truck.
“I don’t know that you’re capable of writing an unbiased piece of journalism,” Edward deadpanned.
Bella concentrated on finding the right key, keeping her head bowed.

“I’m sorry about that in there,” she mumbled.
“You didn’t even get to hear Tanya’s story. That’s who I ditched because of the popcorn debacle, and
she’s got shit to dish. What was that all about anyway?” Edward asked, and took the keys from

Bella’s hand.
“I can’t quite tell,” Bella said, “if you’re as dense as you seem, or if you’re the worlds best

manipulator.”
“Whoa,” Edward said, and stopped turning the lock with the key. He abruptly jerked the key from

the hole, and held Bella’s keyring behind his back. “I’m neither of those. I happen to be one of the
smartest people I know and I don’t manipulate anything. I just tell the truth. It’s not my fault how

people twist things in their heads and interpret them any other way than how I say them.”
Bella held out her hand for her keys but said nothing.
“What’s all this to you, anyway?” Edward asked curiously.
“I’m writing the article! Of course I’m interested. Give me my keys.”
“Not until you tell me why you freaked out in there.”
“I didn’t freak out—“
“Yes you did. Your face got all red and you started breathing all huffy and unattractive and you

ranted shit that made no sense. You freaked out.”
“Gimme my keys. I’m gonna be late for work.”
“The supplement, safety net waitress job? If you got fired it’d be the best favor I could do for
you. Tell me why you freaked out.”
“Give me my keys.”
Edward smiled and dangled the keys high above Bella’s head, and she folded her arms, unwilling to

be made an even bigger fool of by this guy.
“I’m not gonna jump around for you, unlike the girls in there,” she said.
“A-ha!” Edward said, jingling the keys above her head. “There it is. You like me and you don’t want
to be made a fool of—“
“How you gathered that is beyond me and you’re way off base.”
“But, Bella, I won’t make a fool of you. Jessica did that to herself. If you ask, I’ll answer anything

honestly—“
“I’ve never encountered this level of narcissism in my life. Give me my keys.”
“You wouldn’t get upset like that if you didn’t like me. I bet even the scented lube guy didn’t get you

that upset.”
“Keys.”
“But what, exactly, upset you? I told you I liked you, and that was the truth.”
“Look. I don’t want to be…in this with you. Okay? There. That’s my truth. Could I fall for

you? Absolutely. Will I? No. Because I don’t want to have to ask every two days exactly where we
stand. I don’t want you to make plans with me on Christmas, and have to ask if it’s a big deal or not. I

don’t want to play the semantics game, Edward. I don’t want to have to be reassured every two
seconds and I don’t want to have to be worried about reading into things you say. And I’m calling

bullshit on all of this “everything is so simple” shit. I bet you never took Jessica to meet your

parents. Did you? No.”
“No, I didn’t. And okay. Fine. Because I barely know you, I can’t promise you anything long term. You

keep playing it safe with Mr. Perfect. That’s way better for someone like you anyway.”
“Someone like me?” Bella asked, her anger boiling up again.
“Sure. Someone with safety net jobs and chicken noodle soup and Billy Joel. You’ll always know
exactly what to expect with Mr. Perfect. That’s nice for you.”
“It is nice for me!”
“Good.”
“Good.”
“Here are your keys. Have a nice time at work.”
“I will.”
~*!*~


Chapter Nine
Bella had sent Edward a curt, formal email letting him know that she’d be available to go “sucker
dipping” on Friday.
For the sake of research.
Edward didn’t write her back until mid Friday morning and that note only said, “Be ready in ten.

Don’t forget to bring the stick in your ass.”
Bella flipped the bird to the computer screen discreetly, so Jacob Black couldn’t see.
“You sure about going out of town with this guy?” Jacob asked, for the sixteenth time.
“It’ll be fine. He’s dumb but harmless,” Bella said, then Jacob helped her into the khaki fishing vest

he brought for her. Then he adjusted the straps on the heavy waders she wore. Then he stuck a
khaki bucket hat on her head.
Because Jacob Black knew that sucker dipping meant some sort of fishing.
Jacob leaned down and pecked Bella’s lips lightly, and she stood there, weighed down by what felt

like a thousand pounds. And all of the fishing garb, too.
Then there was a quick knock at the door and Jacob let Edward in, who stared at Bella for about two

seconds before closing his eyes and stifling a quiet laugh.
“What? Sucker dipping is fishing, right?” Bella asked.
“It sure is,” Edward answered.
“Then I’m prepared.”
“I…don’t even…yes. You’re prepared,” Edward said. “I gotta take a piss, then we can go.”
He made his way to the bathroom, Bella noticed him digging in his pocket and his quiet laughter
trailing him.

“He’s kind of a jerk, isn’t he?” Jacob asked.
“Yes,” Bella agreed.
“Maybe you shouldn’t go—“
“No. That’s what this whole thing is about. The good guys, the jerky guys…I’m weeding them out. I
consider it a favor to the women of Seattle,” Bella said.
And really…
The thought of Edward walking out and Bella staying behind with Jacob—whatever. She had to go.

It was for the article.
Edward reappeared and picked up the small bag Bella had near her feet.
“This is what you’re taking?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay, then, let’s go,” Edward sighed.
“You take care of my girl, here,” Jacob said good naturedly.
“In my experience, Bella takes care of herself,” Edward said.
They walked out and as soon as Bella turned from locking her door, she noticed Jacob waiting there,

for the standard good bye kiss they routinely had right there, in this spot at her door, every time he

left.
Jacob bent to kiss Bella, and she awkwardly went on her tiptoes and he kissed her sweetly goodbye,

then shook Edwards hand.
As soon as Jacob was out of ear shot, Edward pounced.
“Did that feel as gross as it looked?”
“Jealousy doesn’t suit you,” Bella responded lightly.
“His tongue looks like a bloated, pink…frog or something.”
“Seriously? That was lacking, even for you.”
“I know. That whole display seriously threw me off my game. I don’t like you kissing people who
aren’t me.”
“We’ve never even kissed,” Bella said.
“We should. We will. But I can’t kiss you right now. You just kissed that guy. His spit is probably

still on your tongue.”
“What about kissing seals and anarchy and all that?” Bella asked, while Edward tossed her bag in

the backseat of his car.
“Kissing anarchy is a risk I’m now willing to take after witnessing what I just did. You need to be
kissed properly.”
“I’m kissed just fine, thank you.”
“Exactly. Just fine. Not that that was fine by any stretch—I think I got drooled on from ten feet

away—“
“Can you shut up?”

“Get in the car, Swan.”
And then he laughed at her the entire time she struggled to get in wearing waders and rubber boots,
but she said nothing, too caught up in his promise of an imminent kiss.
The radio was loud as soon as the car started, so they didn’t speak until Edward pulled up at a
neatly manicured house straight out of Better Homes and Gardens.
“This is where you fish?” Bella asked.
“No. Weirdo. We need to pick up Emmett.”
Edward honked the horn once and long, but it wasn’t Emmett who came out the door. It was Mrs.
McCarty, carrying a picnic basket and a small first aid kit.
She leaned into Edward’s window and kissed his cheek.
“I packed sandwiches, the bologna with no crusts are Emmett’s. There’s juice in here, too, and I

made some cookies, everyone gets four. Tell Emmett to eat the grapes I packed, and please,
Edward, make sure he eats before two. You know how he gets cranky if he doesn’t eat properly and

timely. And seatbelts! All of you.”
Bella blinked incredulously, but Edward just said “thank you” when Mrs. McCarty put the basket in

the backseat.
“You must be Bella,” Mrs. McCarty said, leaning into Edward’s window again.
“Hello! It’s nice to meet you,” Bella said, and they reached over Edward to shake hands.
“You too! Now, I know this is none of my business, but as a parent I feel obligated…” Mrs. McCarty
hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “Emmett says you enjoy the drink, now I’m not here to

accuse anyone of anything or imply anything, but please, imbibing near the water can be very
dangerous. Please be careful, out there, Bella.”
“Uh. I will? Thank you?” Bella stuttered, stunned.
“Have a safe trip,” Mrs. McCarty smiled, then walked back up to her house.
The second she was out of sight, Edward and Bella burst out laughing.
“It isn’t funny,” Bella cried out, despite the laughing. “She thinks I’m an alcoholic!”
“Emmett tells his mother everything,” Edward said.
“That’s disturbing.”
“You got off easy. She once explained to me the downfalls of lambskin condoms—don’t ask.”
Emmett came out of the house just then and went to the passenger door.
“Get her out of my seat,” Emmett said, speaking over Bella to Edward.
“Take it up with her,” Edward said, fiddling with the radio.
“Get out of my seat, New Alice.”
“First come first serve,” Bella said, then opened the door and slung her seat over so Emmett could
maneuver is big body to the back.
“I was here long before you, Bella. Get in the back before I put you in the trunk.”
“No.”

“I will put you in the trunk. It’s already filled with ice. All I gotta do is take the keg out and make

room for you.”
“I will tell your mother you didn’t wear a seatbelt.”
“Look, novice, she wouldn’t believe you and I’m not scared of my mother, she’s my best friend and
loyal.”
“I’m not sitting in the back.”
“Edward. Pick a seat partner,” Emmett said. “And choose wisely. No chicks are gonna show their

tits on the freeway if you got a girl in the passenger seat.”
“He makes a good point, Bella,” Edward said, gesturing for her to get in the back.
“You pick me and I’ll show you mine,” Bella said.
“Get in the back, Emmett.”
“Fair enough,” Emmett conceded.
Emmett called Rosalie and read off six complete Britney Spears songs, ate three sandwiches, six

cookies and no grapes, made up lyrics to songs on the radio and stopped to pee four times before he
finally passed out in the back seat, propping his big feet on the council between Bella and Edward.
“He’s passed out. Show me now,” Edward said, glancing in his mirror to make sure Emmett was still

asleep.
“I wasn’t serious,” Bella said, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I will pull this car over and kick you out for being a liar, so you better have been being serious.”
“When we’re not in a moving car.”
“I won’t forget and I know you’re buying time. But I’m letting it slide because there’s something I
wanted to say.”
“You? You have something to say? I’m shocked,” Bella said flatly.
“Don’t try to be funny. It doesn’t work. Listen…this whole thing is bugging me. I like you. You like

me-“
“I don’t—“
“Shut up. We already established that you did. It’s out there. Let it go. Anyway, I still don’t
understand why we’re not going to start seeing each other.”
“Well, number one, I’m already seeing someone,” Bella said.
“That guy doesn’t count. I want to talk about the real reasons.”
“We’re too different. You push me to be someone I’m not-“
“No, I encourage you to think outside of your comfortable bubble.”
“And I just…don’t want to fall for someone like you.”
“Why?”
“Because I will and then you’ll be all…Edward-like and free spirited and live with your parents and

not have a real job and punch people in the face when they bug you and I’ll fall for you and you’ll be
having a fling and just…”
“You’re not going to pursue this because you’re afraid.”

“Yes,” Bella said, looking out the window, now.
“Okay.”
“That’s it? Okay?” Bella asked. “Where’s the ‘live a little’ speech? Where’s the ‘safety net’ speech?”
“You know all of that already. I can’t guarantee you won’t get hurt. You should stay with Jacob, you
can’t get that hurt if you don’t fall that hard. If you want something great, you have to take a risk.

But you know…there’s nothing wrong with mediocre. It’ll never be the best…but then it’ll never be
the worst, either. I see your point.”
“Don’t you…reverse psychology me!”
“Is it working?”
“No.”
“Well. It may have been reverse psychology…but it was the truth, too.”
Bella chewed her lip for half a minute, knowing she was about to regret what was going to come out
of her mouth…but fuck it.
Throw caution to the wind or whatever.
“A one off.”
“What?” Edward asked.
“Just for this weekend, while we’re away…screw it. I’ll play along. I’ll go along with your ridiculous
ideas, we can make out and you can show me…how you think it should be. Just for this weekend.”
“And play with my emotions? So we can come back and you’ll go back to Mr. Perfect?”
“Yes.”
“Fine. I, unlike you, am not afraid of risks.”
“Good.”
“So starting when?” Edward asked.
“Right now,” Bella said, then she fumbled with her awful khaki vest and the straps of the waders,

while Edward gave her a curious side glance.
“What are you doing?” he asked, while Bella reached behind herself, seeming to be trying to scratch

an out of reach spot on her back.
“Playing your way. I owe you this,” she mumbled, then lifted her shirt and flashed Edward.
Edward glanced at her boobs, then back up to her beaming face and laughed.
“Very, very nice,” he said, turning on to a dirt road, still laughing.
Bella pulled her shirt down and fought back the urge to jump out the window or hang her head in

embarrassment.
“Okay, hot tits, we’re here,” Edward said.
There was a pick-up truck parked in a clearing, and a tent already set up.
“Who’s here?” Bella asked, instead of what she wanted to ask, which was “that’s the only reaction to

my boobs?”
“Jasper and Alice—“

“Oh hell no!” Emmett shouted from the backseat, startled awake at the sound of Alice’s name. “Who

the hell told It it could come?”
“I like Alice,” Bella shrugged.
“Of course you do. Nice boobs, by the way.”
Edward laughed until his forehead sunk into the steering wheel and Bella said a few choice words to

Emmett then stepped out of the car.
~*!*~


Chapter Ten
Two hours later the other tent was set up, the keg was tapped and Bella was sweating in her waders

and tired of being made fun of by everyone else not in waders.
“Give me my sleeping bag back,” Alice barked at Emmett.
“I replaced it for your comfort,” Emmett said, patting her on the head.
“With a pillowcase!”
“It’s flannel. Your little, seven year old boy body will fit nice and snug in there.”
“Don’t fuck with me. Give me the bag back.”
“What are you gonna do? Bite my knees, you Half Pint from Hell?”
“Jasper, I swear…I’m going to kill your former roommate,” Alice said.
“You don’t have a soul,” Emmett said. “And now you’ve ruined sucker dipping. I hate you.”
Jasper rubbed his eyes and took a sip of beer, then wandered back to the tent.
Edward sighed and looked at Bella.
“Well. Ready?” he asked.
“Yeah, oh. I don’t have a fishing pole—“
“We’re dipping. Hands or net,” Edward said, balancing his own net on the back of his hand.
“I don’t have a net.”
“Well, hands for you. Just watch out for anything with teeth.”
“I can’t catch a fish with my hands!”
“Oh. Have you tried and failed numerous times before?”
“I get it,” Bella mumbled. “Try something and all that. Who knows? Maybe I’ll catch one.”
“Yeah, no, you won’t. I just want to laugh while you try.”
“I,” Bella declared, “am going to hand catch the biggest fish ever. It’ll feed all of you.”
“Atta girl. But you should know,” Edward said, “I only do catch and release.”
Then he actually winked at her.
“I gathered that,” Bella said, a dry note to her tone.

A half hour later Bella had fallen in the water twice, got a leech on her thumb and caught nothing.
Edward had a fine time, dry and with a net.
“Let me use the damn net already! Be a gentleman!”
“Stop whining. What happened to the biggest fish ever?” Edward asked.
“Just…I can’t even walk through this mud without falling and it’s hot out here—“
“You’ve got too much shit weighing you down.”
“I…help?”
Edward tossed his net to the shore and sloshed in the shallow water over to Bella. He leaned down
to put his hands in the water, then ran them through his hair to cool off, but it had the opposite

effect on Bella.
He was…he was just hot. And now he was wet and hot.
“What the hell did this guy do to you?” Edward murmured and tugged on the awful khaki vest.
“He was trying to help,” Bella said.
“He’s gonna suffocate you. You don’t need all of this precautionary, safety, don’t- get- dirty shit. It’s
only getting in your way.”
“Help me out of it.”
“I’ve been trying to,” Edward said, and for a moment, their eyes locked.
Edward wasn’t laughing or mocking and Bella wasn’t denying it.
“Just…help me get out of this please,” she whispered.
“Okay,” he whispered back, and then he carefully tugged the vest down the length of her right arm,

and she turned, so the left slid out, too.
With her back to him, Bella stood still while Edward lifted the heavy weight of the wader straps

from her shoulders and held her elbow while she stepped out, one leg at a time.
And she felt like she could move and be free and maneuver her way through this, without all that

stuff.
It was easier without all that cautionary bullshit.
Bella went to take the stupid bucket hat from her head, but quickly, Edward put his hand out to stop
her.
“Maybe…keep the hat on. You’re sensitive. I don’t want you to get burned.”
“It’d be worth it. Just for this weekend…it’d be worth it. I want to feel the sun on my face.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes.”
“Stop being so damn endearing. You’re making me sweeter than I am.”
“You could never be defined as sweet. Now back up. I’m gonna catch me a big fish with my bare
hands.”
But Edward didn’t back up.
He grabbed Bella’s wrist and yanked her close to him.

“Right now?” Bella squeaked.
“Yep.”
“Is this too contrived? I shouldn’t have said anything.”
They stood, chest to chest, his damp shirt against hers while Edward contemplated it.
“Does it matter? I mean, we could wait until we’re in the middle of a fight or have a moment when

the earth stops moving and we stare into each others eyes…but that’s too cliché, isn’t it?”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“I’m going in closed mouth, and if you’re any good, we’ll progress to tongue.”
“I’ll be in charge of progression from dry lip to tongue, thanks,” Bella said.
“I had a very similar conversation when I was twelve and kissed a girl for the first time,” Edward
said. “You should be aware I ended up making it to second base.”
“A one off weekend. Whatever happens, happens,” Bella said, probably because he was so close to
her, and probably because she knew she wouldn’t want to stop and why shouldn’t she have this?

But mostly because he was so close and she knew she wouldn’t be the one to stop anything and she
didn’t want to say anything smug because when it did progress past kissing, well, he’d gloat.
“Look at you being so carefree and laid back. Next thing you know, you’re gonna quit your job and

open a hot dog stand with a No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem sign on it.”
“Doubtful. Can we do this already?”
“Yeah.”
“Prepare yourself, Edward. I’m about to blow your mind.”
“Maybe other things, too?”
Bella rolled her eyes, grabbed Edward by the shirt collar and kissed him hard on the mouth.
Or, somewhere in the general vicinity of his mouth.
His eyes never closed and when she let her shaking hands unclench his shirt, she was red with

embarrassment because that was the worst possible kiss imaginable.
“We can just pretend this never happened,” Edward said.
“You’re a horrible kisser,” Bella said, wiping her hand across her mouth.
“That was all you. I’m not taking any responsibility for that.”
“Come here,” Bella said, reaching for Edward. “That was just a fluke. We’re doing that again.”
“Please don’t?” Edward asked, not bothering to cover his laughter.
“I’m not a bad kisser! That was just…weird.”
“I can think of a few more colorful adjectives than weird.”
“I can’t just…let you think I’m a bad kisser. No. Hell no. Come back here,” Bella demanded.
“Look. One more time. I’m not subjecting myself to this all weekend.”
Edward sighed heavily and stood in front of Bella, waiting.
Bella stood on her tip toes and very, very softly put her lips on Edwards, kissing him very lightly
twice.

The third time was a little more forceful, and Edward’s eyes closed.
By the sixth time her tongue was in his mouth and he wasn’t moving away.
Somewhere between the fifth and ninth little kiss, the kissing had gone from little kisses to one

long, open mouthed make out party and Bella no longer had her feet on the ground, her legs were
wrapped around Edwards waist and he held her up unsteadily.
Edwards feet sank in the mucky shore and he was nearly up to his ankles in it.
When he pulled away, Bella chased his face.
“I’m sinking in the muck,” Edward said, walking unsteadily backwards.
Bella’s lips settled for the side of his neck and Edward made a noise that sounded like a pissed off,

groaning laugh.
“Ask me again,” Bella whispered in Edwards ear, while he continued to walk them backwards, away

from the shore.
“Ask you what,” he said, hoisting her higher, kind of losing his grip. “How much do you weigh,

anyway?”
“That’s not what I wanted you to ask,” Bella mumbled into Edwards shoulder.
“You wanna do it in the bathroom?” Edward asked, because he remembered the movies and

because it was pretty much his go to stock question.
“Yeah.”
“Me too.”
~*!*~


Chapter Eleven
Bella giggled all the way to the campsite bathrooms while Edward trudged on, determined to get

there and get it on.
“I can’t believe I’m going to do this,” Bella laughed.
“I can’t believe it either,” Edward said, pausing in his steps to kiss her ear.
The bathroom smelled like, well, it smelled like crap. Literally. And fish guts. And there was mold

and mildew on the floor and rust stains on just about everything.
Edward didn’t mind any of this.
“Don’t put me down, I don’t have shoes on,” Bella laughed.
“Either your feet touch or your back is up against the slimy stall door. Your pick,” Edward said,
finding room to kiss down her neck.
“Oh…I…feet?” Bella breathed out, and then she was on her feet, and spun around so her stomach
was pressed into an old, leaking porcelain sink.
“Limited contact with germ surface like this,” Edward shrugged from behind Bella when she met his
gaze in the small, cracked mirror.
“You’re a real gentleman,” she sighed, gripping the edge of the sink.

“I’m looking out for you,” Edward said, and Bella heard his fly unzip. “Do you need foreplay or…?”
“We’ve been doing that since we met,” Bella said, backing up into Edward’s pelvis.
“Exactly.”
Then her shorts came down around her knees.
“Wait, wait,” Bella said quickly.
“What? You aren’t really doing this to me,” Edward groaned.
“No, we can just. Okay, remember with the kissing? And the seal and the anarchy? This can’t be

like that. Like, just because the kissing seal is broken doesn’t mean—“
“Relax. I won’t go sticking it in whenever I feel like it. Kissing anarchy and sex anarchy are way

different.”
“Okay.”
A ripped open foil packet went over Bella’s shoulder and into the sink.
“I’m going to assume you just always are prepared and didn’t presume,” Bella said.
“I’ll never tell.”
“That works.”
“So does this.”
“Oh! Yes. It does.”
“Right?”
“This is…good. Edward…you’re very good…at this.”
“You are.”
His hands went up her shirt and around to her hips and down her stomach while her hands stayed
put on the sink, hanging on for dear life.
When Bella lifted her head to look in the mirror, she saw Edwards eyes downcast, his hair hanging
in sweaty pieces, shadowing his face.
She made a noise and he looked up, their eyes locked in the mirror and Edward paused.
“What?” Bella panted.
A slow grin spread across Edwards face and his fingers held tighter to her hips.
“You’re really pretty from this angle.”
“I…uh…thank you? You too…I mean, from the reflection…”
“Yeah,” Edward whispered, and then his eyes fell away again and his movements resumed.
Bella felt her knees give, and Edward felt it, too, so he wrapped an arm around her waist.
“I got you,” he whispered and she let go and let it all just happen to her.
And it did.
Twice.
And Edward did, too.

Then he pulled up her shorts and she ran the water, because it seemed like she should…wash her

hands. Or something.
Without a word Edward picked up the wrapper from the sink and tossed all of the garbage in the

rusty can under the sink.
Bella concentrated really hard on washing her hands, not daring to look up at Edward. But then he

put his hands over hers under the water and she felt his lips press firmly into her temple where he
placed a single, strong kiss.
“Don’t get awkward on me now,” he whispered into her sweaty hair.
Bella bumped his hip with hers then smiled one of those uncontrollable, manic smiles against

Edward’s damp, sweaty skin.
He wrapped an arm around her and let his chin rest on her head.
“That was really good, Bella.”
“Yeah. It was.”
“Let’s go skinny dipping.”
“Okay.”
Bella was high with post sex endorphins and she felt weightless. She felt like she could do anything

at all this weekend. She felt like she could jump off a cliff or eat an entire chocolate cake or listen to
music to loud with the windows down or skinny dip—she felt free.
She felt like there would be no consequence for anything that went on here, in this secluded spot.
She could be careless and irresponsible and spontaneous and talk freely and have sex with a hot

guy and dammit. It was good.
She even stared when Edward lost his pants and dove into the lake. She laughed at his bright white,

tight ass and had to remind herself to close her mouth when her eyes traveled up to his shoulders.
They were very strong, very nice shoulders.
Bella tried to bite back the manic smile when she stared at those very nice shoulders and thought
about the fact that they just had sex.
Yeah, I have sex with those shoulders, she said, in her own mind. It sounded…well it sounded dumb.
But also really good.
“Lose the clothes, Swan. I’ve already felt everything your mama gave ya,” Edward called from the
water.
Bella stripped and dove in the cool water, doggy paddling her way over to Edward, who slowly went

under, keeping his eyes on Bella, and smiling this one sided, cryptic smile the whole time.
Then he popped back up, behind her and shook his hair out all over her.
Bella spun in the water and put her arms around Edwards neck. He lifted her up high, then dropped
her into the water. Slick weeds caught on her fingers and she broke the surface and lunged for

Edwards back.
He wanted to be caught, so she climbed on his back and he swam forward slowly, while she nipped

at his neck lazily.
“Let’s never go back,” Bella whispered.

"The never ending fishing trip?” Edward asked, letting his mouth dip under the water, the feel of

Bella’s wet chest slick and good on his back.
"Yes. What if we did? What if we just...never went home?"
Edward slowly turned and looked over his shoulder at Bella, who was hanging on to his shoulders
and staring right into his eyes.
"We'd have pissed off families and huge unemployment issues. Well, you would anyway."
"Please?"
"Okay. Yes, if Bella wants to live in a lake like a fresh water mermaid forever, so be it."
"We'll eat snails and trout,” Bella said, her hands clasped tightly, her arms making a circle around

Edwards neck, who continued to slowly propel them forward.
"We'll sleep on the pier and be the King and Queen of this lake,” Edward said, and felt Bella’s chin

dig a little harder into his shoulder.
"People will write articles about us."
"Like the lochness monster."
"And we'll have water babies."
"And we'll build sandcastles at night."
"And we'll not ever have to think of things like taxes and bills and wars and money and grocery
shopping."
"Because we're the King and Queen of the lake."
"Yes."
Edward flipped them over, like a fish on a hook, and Bella slid down his body and Edward floated on
his back.
She swam underneath him and made little splashes over him.
"Where will we go for sex?" he asked, his eyes closed.
"Anywhere we want. When the water babies come we'll have to be more discreet, though."
"We don't want to traumatize the water babies."
"No. If I had fins, do you think they would be blue?" Bella asked.
"Yes."
"Yours would be colorful. Like a beta fish."
"You think? I think I'd have a few sturdy strong ones. Like a shark,” Edward said decisively.
“Edward?”
“What?”
“You’re definitely a colorful, fancy beta.”
“Yeah, well, your fins wouldn’t really be blue. I was just saying that to be nice. You’re like….a sea
turtle. In a shell. An old hard… crusty…hidey… shell.”
“I think,” Bella said, standing up straight in the water, “I’ve lost the shell.”

Edward opened one eye and looked at topless, wet Bella.
“Shell-less suits you,” he said, then closed his eyes and resumed floating while Bella resumed
quietly dog paddling, circling his still, long, tone, wet, naked, form.
And for Bella, it was all just lovely, dreaming fantasy talk. Like becoming a ballerina nurse
firefighter astronaut when she was five. Some things you just can dream about. But for

Edward…well, Edward didn’t just dream. Nothing was impossible for Edward. For the first time, he
was being serious. Maybe not about water babies and being King of the lake, but he was serious

about Bella.
And in an interesting turn of events, Bella was not being serious.
Then there was a rustling near the shore, and Emmett was there, squinting his eyes to see out into
the lake, clutching his cup of warm beer.
“Since when is sucker dipping everyone-but-Emmett-gets laid weekend? This is bullshit!”
~*!*~


Chapter Twelve
“No way. We drove him up here. It’s your time now, Jasper. Fair is fair. You drive him home, then the
time is even,” Edward said, as he tossed Bella’s bag in the trunk of his car.
“I spent time with him when you and Bella were off doing it in the woods. And in the bathroom. And
in the tent—“
“Oh my gosh,” Bella muttered, hiding her face in her hands.
“No dice, Jasper,” Edward said, slamming the trunk. “We had a deal. I drive Emmett up, you drive

him home.”
“Fine. But I bought him lunch and a pair of water shoes because he’s scared of the leeches. You owe

me twenty five bucks…and I also bought him breakfast twice last week.”
“Water shoes aren’t a necessity,” Edward said, and handed Jasper a twenty.
“My mom will spot you the other five,” Emmett told Jasper.
“If we’re done figuring custodial details, I’d like to get home and get in a decent shower,” Alice said.
“Get in the trunk, Demon,” Emmett said.
“Go to hell, Shrek.”
“Seriously? You’re seriously going to make me do this drive like this?” Jasper asked Edward.
“You could put her in the trunk,” Edward shrugged, and Bella hopped in the passenger seat at the
same time Edward got in the drivers side.
He slammed the door on Jaspers complaining and they peeled out of the dirt road, leaving Alice and
Emmett screaming about who would sit shotgun.
“There is no way they’ll all make it home alive,” Bella said, glancing behind her shoulder.
“Emmett will pass out. Car rides make him sleepy.”
They drove in comfortable silence for a long stretch until the silence turned not comfortable.

Edward noticed Bella lean closer to the window the closer to home they got, and he didn’t like

that. It made him uneasy and as much as Bella thought she didn’t understand Edward, the truth was
Bella was the ultimate mystery to Edward.
“You’re making me a nervous,” Edward said suddenly, and Bella’s gaze snapped over to Edward.
“I make you nervous? Since when? And wait, since when does anything make you nervous?” Bella

asked.
“I’m a wreck over here,” Edward said, but he didn’t look like a wreck. He looked calm and relaxed,

driving too fast down an empty highway.
“Well, why?”
“I like you. A lot. Which is…way more than I intended, but that’s not what’s making me nervous. I
want to know what you’re going to do about all this.”
“About all what?” Bella asked.
“Uh. The sex. And me. And you. And Mr. Perfect,” Edward said slowly, as though it should’ve been

obvious.
“This weekend was…not how I normally am. I mean, it was great. It was a really good fucking

weekend…but not my reality, you know that. You knew this…and no sex anarchy…” Bella said,

completely taken off guard now.
“You knew I liked you. You shouldn’t have slept with me 54434505304 times if—“
“We said! I made it clear it was just a one off weekend, an escape from reality—“
“For you. But this is my reality. And now you’re in it. And I want you. And I don’t want you to see

anyone else anymore.”
“Edward. You can’t just…it wasn’t…”
“You shouldn’t just sleep with people for a one off weekend, Bella—“
“Oh stop it! That isn’t fair!”
“You’re not fair. I can’t help how I feel about it,” Edward shrugged.
“It’s not that I don’t want you Edward…I…your life scares the shit out of me. You just decide you

want me. What happens when you just decide you don’t?”
“That’s dumb. Mr. Perfect could do the same shit to you. The difference is you don’t have as much to

lose with him.”
“No, the difference is I’m in a relationship with him—“
“And I’m just a job?”
“Yes. No. You know it isn’t like that—“
“Then what is it? Because you crossed the job line with me and now you’re back pedaling—“
“This isn’t fair! You can’t toss all of this at me like I orchestrated this! Yeah, it turned into not part of
the job, no, I never made any kind of commitment to you—“
“This isn’t fair. You say that an awful lot. Life isn’t fair, Bella. And what you did to me wasn’t fair—“
“What I did to you? You’re acting like I seduced you and dumped you—“
“You did!”

“You had me on this ride the entire time! This is what you were after the whole time—“
“Well, now I’m only after you. So. That’s what it is. I want you with me. What’s your answer?”
“It isn’t that easy, Edward. Yes, the weekend was incredible and if I could be queen of the lake

forever I would be, but in reality…you and me, just don’t work—“
“You act like I live on Mars or some shit. I’m in reality, too, and I say we do work—“
“You don’t have a job. You live at your parents. You screwed me for the first time in a bathroom that
reeked of fish guts and shit—“
Edward pulled the car over abruptly and for a split second, Bella was actually kind of frightened.
“All of that is reality, kid. I’m sorry there weren’t rose petals and champagne. I’m sorry I don’t make

six figures a year. But I’m really sorry that you need shit like that. Because you’re absolutely right. I
can’t offer you any of that. And if that’s the crap you’re really after, I misjudged you and I’m sorry. I

don’t want you.”
“Fine,” Bella said, folding her arms across her chest.
“Fine,” Edward said, pulling the car back onto the highway.
“But it’s not about money or the materialistic things,” Bella blurted out, unable to actually let it go.
“Good. That’d be tragic,” Edward said flatly.
“You were never the type I imagined myself—“
“I’m not your type. Holy shit. Will you please shut up and save us both really bad clichés?”
“It’s not a cliché—“
“It’s bullshit!” Edward yelled, loud and abrupt, making Bella flinch in her seat and actually shut up,

momentarily.
“You didn’t have to yell,” Bella whispered.
“Yes I did. You just don’t—fuck,” Edward spat when his phone rang, interrupting. His first thought
was to ignore it, but then he glanced at the Caller ID and answered it quickly.
“Is something wrong?...Where is Cope?…dammit-sorry—ok, I can be there in ten, we’re almost
home…”
Edward hung up the phone and Bella waited eagerly for an explanation about the phone call, but
knew better than to ask just then.
“I know you’re ready to get home, but I have to make a quick stop. It’s important.”
“Yeah, sure,” Bella whispered.
And the car went a bit faster and inside got a lot quieter.
Edward pulled up to a house in an upper middle class neighborhood. There was actually a white
picket fence and pink and white flowers meticulously landscaped.
There were beautiful, Home and Gardens shutters open on the windows and a huge, welcoming oak
door.
“It could take a second.”
“Can I use the bathroom?”
“I…yeah,” Edward said, already half way out of the car.

Bella had to practically jog to catch up to Edward, who didn’t knock at the door, but just went right

on in.
And Bella didn’t have time to take in much of anything, because right there on the floor, there was a

blonde haired elderly man sprawled on his side, with tubes coming out of his light blue pajama top,
and kneeled next to him was an elegant looking, worried looking wife.
“What’ja call him home for?” the man on the floor said.
“Because you fell,” the wife said dryly.
“Quit bitching and be grateful I’m an attentive kid,” Edward said, and Bella noted despite the harsh
words, there was a new and unfamiliar gentle, playful tone in Edward’s voice.
“I coulda got up,” the man said.
“Did delusional come along with that stroke?” Edward asked. “Ma…could you bring the chair over?”
Bella tried not to stare or cry or be outrageously uncomfortable, but looking anywhere else would
seem phony.
Edward carefully lifted his father into the waiting wheelchair, and then took his time gently putting
adjusting his feet so they looked comfortable.
“I’m not a damn paraplegic,” his father grumbled.
“Then stop acting like one,” Edward snipped back. “Don’t get out of the damn chair unless me or
Mrs. Cope is here. You wanna crack your head open, too?”
“You wanna not talk to your old man like that? Who’s the girl?”
It was then that Esme Cullen noticed Bella standing there.
“This is Bella. She came to use the bathroom.”
“Bella? Bella…Bella…oh! You’re right. She sure is easy on the eyes. My boy likes you—“
“Can it or you’re going to a home,” Edward said, but his fingers and eyes were concentrating on
the tubing coming from his fathers pajama top.
“He’s a good boy, Bella,” Carlisle said. “A really, really fine boy.”
“You’re making me blush,” Edward mocked.
“This is a smart man. And he’s got a good, strong heart,” Carlisle went on. “You’re smart to pay him
to date you.”
“Oh hell,” Bella mumbled.
“Bella just came in to use the bathroom,” Edward said.
“Oh! Of course, this way,” Esme said, then actually took Bella by the hand.
Once they were down the hallway, Esme’s voice dropped and she paused and turned to Bella.
“I’m Esme. Edwards mother. You looked appropriately freaked out. It was a stroke. He’s fine, just

likes to push his limits.”
“Oh! I’m sorry…to uh…well, I’m sorry.”
“It’s life,” Esme shrugged. “Here’s the bathroom.”
When Bella came out of the bathroom, Edward straightened himself up from his fathers side, done

with whatever he was doing and moved to the door.

“Are you all hungry?” Esme asked.
“No, Bella’s gotta get home,” Edward said.
“Kiss her at the door,” Carlisle said.
“Strokes aren’t license to be perverted,” Edward said. “You stop being He-Man. I’ll be home right
after I drop her off.”
Silently, Edward and Bella got back in the car.
“Your father is funny,” Bella whispered.
“Yeah, he’s a regular riot,” Edward said.
“He reminds me of you.”
“I’ve heard that before. Listen, about the article—“
“I won’t say you live at home.”
“I don’t care if you say I live at home. I do. And the truth is it’s not only for that reason. What I told
you before was true, too.”
“Okay…”
“Just don’t…he was a pretty prominent doctor around here before the stroke. A heart surgeon. He

has a ton of pride, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“Just don’t write about him falling. I know I have no right to ask you to do that, but please just…don’t

do that to him.”
“I won’t,” Bella said.
“Thank you.”
It was quiet all the way to Bella’s home, and when they pulled up, Edward didn’t offer to walk her to

the door.
But he did put his hand on her arm when she moved to open the door.
“I think we’ve spent enough time together for your research,” Edward said. “If you need anything
else, you can email me or…”
Bella’s entire body froze.
Was he…? This was…? She wouldn’t see him again? It was over?
Of course it was over.
She told him they weren’t right for each other, so there’d be no other reason to see each other again.
Right.
“Yeah. I’m set. So. Thank you for your time…you’ll get a check in about a week.”
“Awesome,” Edward said, and let out a dry, humorless laugh. “I guess that’s what I started this for.”
“Yeah,” Bella said. “I’m really sorry, Edward—“
“Don’t be. I had to put myself out there, ya know?” he asked. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier. I

knew what I was getting myself into with you…I just didn’t think I’d end up really wanting
you. But. You gotta take risks and all that. You know how that goes.”

But Bella didn’t know about that, because she never really had. Still, she nodded when she turned to

go again.
This time when Edward caught her arm he yanked her over the console and quickly put his lips to

the side of her neck.
His fingers pulled too hard in her hair for two intense, quick, burning seconds while his breath was

steady on her skin.
“It was incredible while it lasted,” Edward whispered, and then he let her go.
Edward sat back in his seat lazily and raised an eyebrow at Bella. His expression meant get the hell
out of my car now.
So she did.
~*~


Chapter Thirteen
Bella, still in a frozen kind of hypnotism from the entire weekend, clomped up the stairs to her

apartment.
Did she just get dumped?
Did she just dump Edward?
Can you dump someone you were never even with? Should you be completely horrified, devastated
and panicked that you’ll never see someone who is all wrong for you ever again?
Could she sit and process all of this with a hot cup of tea and yell at Teen Moms on television?
No.
Because Jacob Black was waiting outside her apartment door with a dozen roses and a bottle of
champagne.
Go fucking figure.
“Surprise,” Jake said, smiling his white smile at Bella. “I wanted to welcome you back. I thought

you’d be a little worn out from an outdoor weekend.”
“Wow,” Bella said, reaching up to hug Jake with one arm while fumbling with her keys. “Thank

you. You’re right…I’m exhausted.”
“I bought massage oils,” Jacob whispered into Bella’s ear.
She unlocked the door and Jake followed her in.
“I’m really tired, you didn’t have to do all this, Jacob. I’m won’t be good company—“
“All you have to do is have a hot shower and relax. I got the rest,” Jacob said.
And he did.
He made her tea while she was in the shower, contemplating how the heck to get him out of her

apartment.
He laid out a warm towel so she could sprawl while he rubbed her back.

“You got burnt,” Jake said.
“The sun felt good,” Bella replied into the towel.
“Did you have fun?”
“I…yeah. I did.”
“Good. How’s Edward ranking?”
“He’s…I don’t really want to talk about work. Okay, look…we…uh. Kissed,” Bella said, trying baby
steps. Because she didn’t want to lie…but then it was only a one off weekend. So, couldn’t she just

have that to herself?
Jacob and Bella never set any kind of rules for exclusivity, so.
Jacob’s hands paused slightly, then resumed.
“Are you mad?” Bella asked.
“No. I have no right to demand that you don’t see other people. Unless that’s a discussion you want
to have,” Jacob said.
“I’m tired,” Bella said, but in her mind, she smugly noted how Edward had demanded that.
Jacob would never do that.
Jacob did bring roses and champagne.
Jacob didn’t get jealous or make catty remarks about Edward, the way Edward did about Jacob.
Jacob didn’t get pissy when Bella didn’t want to discuss these things.
Jacob had a job and a home and didn’t beat people up in parking lots. He didn’t carry garbage bags
around in his car and he didn’t randomly decide he wanted exclusivity. He was well thought out and

prepared. His friends were bankers and sports medicine doctors—they weren’t part time pawn
entrepreneurs with a fetish for Britney Spears poetry and Mt. Dew.
Jacob was clearly the better contender.
He was clearly perfect.
Bella closed her eyes and wished she felt Edward’s hands.
Then her eyes flew open again and she internally cursed Edward for fucking this all up for her.
“What the heck is that?” Jacob asked suddenly.
“Hmm? What?” Bella asked, her body suddenly tensing as she feared there was a hickey or scratch

mark or bite or big red sign on her body somewhere that said EDWARD WAS HERE.
“Our picture,” Jacob said, and Bella looked to the nightstand, at a picture of her and Jacob at a ball

game.
He framed it and gave it to her a few weeks ago, so she’d displayed it.
But now in the picture, Jacob was donning a Sharpie moustache and she was pretty sure the black

blob on his cheek was supposed to be a penis.
“I didn’t do that,” Bella said quickly.
“Is that a penis on my cheek?” Jacob asked.

“I…Edward used the bathroom before we went on the trip. It had to have been him,” Bella said, and

she pressed her face into the towel to keep from laughing.
“I’m curious to see how he rates on maturity,” Jacob said, not mad, not offended, just…nothing.
Bella took a deep breath in to stifle the giggles desperate to escape and wasn’t able to reply.
All she could really say was she was very tired when Jacob started to kiss her neck, and ever the

gentleman, who would never take a girl to fuck in a bathroom camp stall, Jacob bid Bella a good
evening and went home.
He did, however, leave the bottle of champagne.
And Bella felt like she deserved it, after the weekend she’d had and what with the way her mind

wouldn’t behave, she drank it.
And then she called Edward.
“What, Bella?” Edward answered on the fourth ring. And it sounded like she’d woke him up.
Then Bella remembered she really didn’t have anything to say, she just wanted to hear him. So she

said nothing.
“I can hear you open mouth breathing into the phone, Bella.”
“Hiccup.”
“Are you drunk?”
“Yeah.”
There was a pause, then rustling.
“What do you want?”
“You.”
“No dice, Bella. You only admit you want me when you’re drunk or on vacation. I’m not your play

thing.”
Bella was silent for a moment because all of that was true. Well, it was true she only admitted to him

or herself she only wanted him when she was drunk or on vacation.
But isn’t he just a drunk or on vacation kind of guy anyway?
“I know that,” she finally said.
“Then start acting like you know that. Leave me alone.”
“You were really sweet with your dad…”
“Stop it. You see me be nice to my old man and—I don’t need a pat on the head and he sure as hell

doesn’t need your sympathy. I know I’m a decent person, I don’t need your perfect man validation.”
Bella said nothing, but she couldn’t make herself say goodbye, either.
“I saw your boyfriends car in the lot when I left. Was he nice to you?”
“He’s not my...I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“Did you kiss him?”
“What…I mean…”
“Did you let him fuck you, right after I did?” Edward asked, his voice hard and cold.

“Ecshcuse me?”
“I don’t need to ask to know I’m a better lay. Is that why you’re calling me, Princess? I’m not about to
get out of bed to finish another guys job.”
“Don’t do this…”
“What’s the matter? Did he leave? Is he in the shower? Are you drunk on the champagne Mr. Perfect

no doubt bought because you just need to have it?”
Bella felt drunk tears sting her eyes.
“I thought so,” Edward said. “Hey. Did you think about me? Did you feel even a little bit wrong
rolling on your back for him—“
“Don’t be a dick—“
“You don’t be a dick, Bella.”
“Why’re you doing this to me?” Bella asked.
“Because I’m pissed off and jealous and I guess being a dick is just how it manifests. Because I’m not

perfect. But then, you already know that.”
And then Edward hung up on Bella.
Edward lay in his bed, sweating on top of his sheets, and he knew he was fucked.
He felt like he’d been hit by a truck.
He’d never fallen in love with a girl he couldn’t have.
Or didn’t even necessarily want for that matter.
It occurred to Edward that Bella was more than just scared, she might be stupid.
He was in love with a stupid girl. This was no good, so Edward weighed his immediate options.
He could punch his pillow until he passed out. He could cry under the covers like a jackass. He could

go cry to his dad about how a girl hurt his feelings.
Edward plopped his feet heavily down the stairs, scratching at his hair and squinting his eyes in the

bright lights.
Normally, he came down at this time to take the book from his father’s lap, put him into bed and

turn out the lights.
On this night, Edward took the book from Carlisle’s lap and tossed it on the coffee table next to

Carlislie, making a deliberate loud thud.
“Dammit,” Carlisle snapped, his eyes flying open, his hand going to his chest. “You wanna add heart

attack to my list?”
“How would that be for irony? The cardiologist supreme has a heart attack.”
“I am an old man. I need sleep. Don’t wake me up for shitty conversation.”
“You have no job. You can stay up all night,” Edward said, plopping on the couch.
“I want to sleep sometime tonight. Let’s hear it.”
Edward put his bare feet up on the coffee table and sighed.

“Are you gonna talk or are you going to act like my twelve year old daughter instead of my grown

son? Get your feet off your mothers coffee table.”
“Make me.”
“Touche. Spill it.”
“That girl that was over earlier—“
“She’s a nice girl. I knew it the second I saw her. Intuition.”
“She doesn’t want me.”
“She’s a stupid girl. I knew it the second I saw her. Intuition.”
“I think she might be stupid, too.”
“Maybe she’s just stupid in love with you. People get stupid when they fall in love.”
“She only says she wants me if she’s drunk or on vacation. And I think she wants things that I

don’t. Or she thinks she wants these things but she doesn’t and then she’s all scared I’ll flake out on
her—“
“You might. You do that shit.”
“Anyone could do that, though. Sometimes you just gotta take a chance—and besides, she’s the one

flaking out on me—“
“Did she tell you to get lost?”
“In her own way, yes.”
“But she wants to be with you?”
“I think so. Sure—“
“Of course she does. You’re a good boy with a nice face and an excellent father.”
“So…?”
“So she’ll be back.”
“Yeah, but now she hurt my feelings and I think she might be stupid.”
“Stop crying, little girl. You want her or you don’t.”
“I can’t make her want me. And she hurt my damn feelings. That sucks a lot. But yeah, I want her.”
“Then you got to do the things.”
“What things?”
“The get- the- girl things. Don’t be an idiot. Make the things she thinks aren’t okay okay.”
“I can’t change who I am for a relationship. That defeats the purpose of the whole thing. Then she

wouldn’t want me for what I am.”
“Since when are you Dr. Phil?”
“Stop watching daytime television,” Edward sighed.
“Look, Edward. You wake up to a face you love every morning for thirty three years and then come
back and tell me I was wrong. Until then, you don’t know shit and I’m right.”

“Maybe you’re right. But, dammit. That really hurt my feelings. I mean…maybe I was wrong. You

can’t just go free balling whenever you want. It hurts.”
“This isn’t a stupid girl after all. She’s got you on your toes and she’s taught you self

preservation. You needed that.”
“Fine. Lesson learned. But now I’m scared of her.”
“Women are scary. The more she scares you, the better off you are. That’s how you know it’s right.”
“Maybe.”
“Fine, Nancy. Glad I could help. Now I’ve got to go to bed—“
“Going to an early bird special in the morning?”
“Piss off and help me to my bed.”
By the time Edward got back into his own bed, he wasn’t any less confused or hurt. He was torn

somewhere between stay the hell away from the scary girl and do the get-the-girl- things.
~*~


Chapter Fourteen
Six days later Edward was sitting on the hood of his car, chewing his jagged fingernail and watching
Emmett sprawl himself across the front of Rosalie’s car.
This was an impromptu act of desperation. Emmett physically forced Edward to pull over when he
saw Rosalie’s car parked in a restaurant parking lot.
Not just any restaurant, either…the restaurant Bella waited tables at.
But Edward wouldn’t go in and Edward wouldn’t wait around to see Bella. He still wasn’t sure what

to do about his predicament, other than sit around like one of those kids with black hair and black
fingernails and guyliner.
But shoot, he missed her. A lot. And he wanted to hit Jacob Black in the neck for no reason in
particular, other than he was probably having sex with Bella.
“How long do you think this is gonna take?” Edward called to Emmett.
“How long can she be in there eating?” Emmett asked, getting comfy, leaning his back against the

windshield of Rosalie’s car. “And does it matter when it comes to true love? This time, she can’t just
run away.”
“You’re probably seriously messing up her car,” Edward said, looking at Emmett’s big oaf body on

top of Rosalie’s teeny tiny red car.
“She can fix it, she loves fucking with this thing,” Emmett shrugged.
Edward scratched his head and looked at the jagged finger nail.
“Em? You ever think it’s shit like this that made her leave in the first place?”
“No.”
“Okay,” Edward shrugged, but he wasn’t so sure.
For all he knew, Emmett had this whole thing figured out way better than he did.

Seven minutes later, Rosalie came out accompanied by a guy in a suit with slick, shiny Ken hair.
“What. The. What the hell is this?” Emmett asked, his eyes narrowing on Rosalie from across the
parking lot.
“Looks like she’s on a date,” Edward said.
“Oh hell no—does she—seriously? I’ve been pouring my heart out to her voicemail for three fucking

months—I’ve been through Britney Spears entire discography, Oops…I Did It Again is the best
album by the way, and she’s on a date? With a douche? What the hell is this?” Emmett ranted, sitting

up as Rosalie and her date moved closer.
“Hi Rose!” Edward called, catching her attention.
Rosalie Hale stopped in her tracks, stared for half a second before flipping Edward the bird and
setting a murderous glare on Emmett.
“Well, at least she’s still sweet,” Edward said.
Rosalie stomped over to her car in all of her six inch stilettoed glory, dragging a confused date

behind her.
“Are you on a date?” Emmett asked, incredulous.
“Are you seriously sitting on top of my car?” Rosalie shot back, her hands clenching into fists.
“I hope this is yours, because I’m pretty sure I dented the hood and—“
“Get the hell off of my car!”
“No. Ditch your date and come talk to me—“
“He’s insane,” Rosalie said to her date.
“I see that,” the date said. “Look, buddy, before I call the police, why don’t you just—“
“Thanks, Royce, but I can handle this,” Rosalie said.
“Yeah, Royce, this is under control,” Emmett said.
“Is your name seriously Royce?” Edward asked.
“Go away, Edward,” Rosalie snipped, still staring at Emmett.
“I’m Emmett’s ride.”
“Then stay put, Edward, because I’m not driving his ass around town any more. I got rid of that duty
when I dumped him.”
“You mean when you decided you were a materialistic bitch with expectations higher than—“
“I expected you to have a job and not eat cereal three meals a day. I expect your biggest goal in life

to be more than wake up before eleven a.m.! I don’t think that’s asking too much-shit, Emmett!”
“That is me!”
“Then I don’t want you!”
It went silent for a full minute. Edward stared at the asphalt and Royce shifted uncomfortably from
foot to foot. Rosalie’s eyes closed and she swallowed down hard, and the palms of Emmett’s hands

rubbed his eyes.
“I’m in love with you still,” Emmett said, his voice quiet, for possibly the first time in his adult life.

“I’m on a date, Emmett,” Rosalie said. “Get off of my car before I get in and drive you into the wall.”
“No.”
“I’ll do it.”
“I know.”
“Edward, please get him out of here,” Rosalie said stiffly, folding her arms and staring at the ground.
“Okay, Emmett, we should—“
“Rosalie. I’m trying,” Emmett said, staring at her, even though she wouldn’t look back.
“Look, man—“
“Shut up, Royce,” Emmett said, his eyes snapping to the date.
“Emmett, just go home,” Rosalie sighed.
“I’m dying here, Rosie. Just…talk to me? For a few minutes? Maybe…maybe if we just try again or if

we can just talk…”
Edward winced and scratched at the back of his neck, mentally willing Rosalie to just give in and

talk to the fool for a second.
Rosalie’s shoulders dropped and it really looked her eyes might actually be tearing up.
“There’s nothing to say anymore, Emmett.”
“Then let me say things, ok? My own things. There’s so much I need to tell you about. My mom got a
new chicken recipe, you’d love it and you’d never believe what happened on Maury the other

day. This girl test five men to see which is the father—“
“This is exactly why there’s nothing to say, Emmett,” Rosalie said. “You haven’t changed. You’re not

going to change, and I’m not even sure I have the right to ask you to change. But I know I can’t go
back to that, either—“
“Sometimes I say your name out loud. I just call it out there because I miss saying it. And sometimes
I’m sure I could be anything, anything you need me to be, because it has to be that way because

you’re everything, everything I need. It just doesn’t make sense any other way.”
“I never needed you to be everything I want. Just you. Being a semi-functional adult. That was all I

ever wanted, Emmett—“
“Let me do it then. Let me try. Fuck—I made a mistake. I get it. I’m asking for a second

chance. So. Please.”
“No. If I agree to talk to you, it’s not giving you a second chance. It’s just…letting you say what you

need to say. Not in a parking lot.”
“Fine, whatever,” Emmett said, nodding eagerly.
“And I’m not taking you back to my apartment. And I don’t want to have this conversation in your

mother’s basement.”
“We can go to an hourly rate motel—“
“Emmett!”
“Sorry. Wouldn’t be me if I didn’t at least put it out there,” he shrugged.
“Get in my car, Emmett,” Rosalie sighed, absently rubbing her forehead.

Emmett made a lewd, smug gesture at Royce when Rosalie turned her back to speak to him.
“Thank you for a lovely evening. I’m sorry it was spoiled…this is just something…in my life.”
“Well, I won’t lie. This is more than insulting,” Royce said, putting his hands in his pockets.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” Royce said, then he turned to walk away. “I don’t wait around, Rosalie. Lose my number.”
Rosalie, looking decidedly irritated, sad and pissed off glared at Edward while Emmett got into her
car.
Edward happily waved goodbye and Rosalie slammed her door and peeled out of the parking lot.
“No loitering in the lot, buddy,” Edward heard the familiar voice of one of the wait staff approaching.
With his chin dipped to his chest, Edward smiled and hopped off the hood of his car.
“No problem. I was just leaving,” he said.
“Wait,” Bella said, her hands tucked into the pockets of her black waitress apron.
“I don’t wait for you anymore,” Edward said, opening his car door. “You made your stance pretty

clear. Or not. Do me a favor? No more booty calls.”
“I shouldn’t have done that…but…you were really mean on the phone.”
“Yeah, well, you were really mean to my face,” Edward said.
“Because I don’t think we’re right for each other? That wasn’t mean, Edward—“
“Whatever, Bella. I’m not having this conversation. I thought we were worth a shot, you didn’t. What

else is there to say?”
Bella shifted and wrung her fingers.
“Was that the infamous Rosalie?” Bella asked, ignoring his comment.
“That was her,” Edward said now half in and half out of his car.
Bella nodded, then her eyes widened and she dug in the pockets of her apron.
“What the hell was this about?” she asked, holding up a newspaper clipping.
It was Edwards column from this week, the headline was: Billy Joel Sucks. And If You’re a Fan, You
Probably Suck, Too.
“I can’t help but think this was a personal dig at me,” Bella said, and her face was red and there was
a pulse in her ears because she was embarrassed.
“It is,” Edward said, plainly enough. “I’m bitter. Sue me.”
Bella stood there, wanting him to kiss her, or to say he wanted to be with her again, because this

time, she’d agree. And they could go back to her apartment and her bed and she wanted to talk to

him and argue with him. And touch him. And kiss him. And seeing him again, not drunk or on
vacation, but in reality…it hit her like a ton of bricks.
She wanted him.
It was really, really that simple.
Can’t she just impulsively want him and have him? Bella couldn’t quite remember what was so
wrong about that in the first place.

“This was a bit vengeful and immature, don’t you think?” Bella asked, trying to be coy and

flirtatious, waving the clipping around. She was trying to bring fun, sharp tongued Edward back.
“I’m still not perfect. That was always our problem, remember?” Edward asked, plopping down in

the drives seat, but leaving the door open.
“I’m not perfect either,” Bella said, letting both of her hands rest on top of Edward’s car, looking

down at him.
“No shit,” he laughed, letting his head lean back on the seat.
“You could come by tonight…my shift is over in twenty minutes—“
Edward reached up and out of the car and put a hand on Bella’s hip and tapped his fingers twice.
“Nah. I’m not sticking my dick in that fire again, but thanks for the offer,” Edward said.
“Excuse me?” Bella gaped, suddenly feeling like a propositioning whore and totally insulted by the

fire comment.
“I can’t have a casual thing with you. I wish I could, believe me. But I can’t. Sorry,” Edward

shrugged. “Can you move so I can shut the door?”
“Maybe…maybe…I don’t want casual,” Bella stammered taking a step back.
“Yeah, well. Prove it. Because, Bella. It turns out you taught me something. How to stay guarded,”

Edward said, then slammed his car door shut and got the hell out of there.
It wasn’t until Edward pulled out onto the street that he let the smile unfurl on his face and used the

side of his fist to punch the dashboard in celebration.
Bella had cut out a newspaper clipping of his article. His own mother didn’t even do that

anymore. She wanted him.
Now, he just had to be up to par.
Edward lifted his hips, steering with one finger and dug his cell phone out of his pocket.
“Jasper? Hey. Listen. I need a job—no, I’m serious. Any job. I’ll do anything.”
~*~


Chapter Fifteen
Bella sat across from Jacob Black in a very fancy restaurant with dim lighting and tiny portions of
very expensive food.
“I asked you out tonight so we could talk,” Bella said, her fingers kneading the soft linen napkin in

her lap.
“What’s on your mind, Bella?” Jacob asked, putting his fork down and looking Bella straight in the

eye. She really, really wished she could fall for Jacob Black.
“I don’t think it’s such a good idea for us to continue seeing each other,” Bella blurted out, quick, like

ripping off a band aid. Then she winced, waiting for his response. When she said this to Edward, she
got yelled at.
Instead she got a soft, understanding smile and neutral eyes from Jacob.

“I see,” he said, picking his fork back up.
“It’s not anything you did, Jake. Or anything like that. You’re like the perfect guy,” Bella went on,
thick tongued and red faced.
“Bella. It’s okay. Sometimes these things work out, and sometimes they don’t,” Jacob shrugged and
offered Bella her water.
“You’re not mad or upset?” Bella asked, taking the water.
“It’d be a little childish to throw a tantrum, wouldn’t it?” Jacob grinned, all chicklet teeth and nice,

calm humor.
“Yes,” Bella agreed, flatly. Because why on earth was she dumping this guy for the childish tantrum

haver?
Then again, it was a bit irksome that Jacob didn’t even…react. At all.
“You’ll keep my card?” Jacob asked.
“Of course,” Bella said, and the dinner resumed in oddly comfortable conversation until they parted

ways with a kiss on the cheek as a final farewell.
The next morning, Bella sat across from Angela in a pretentious coffee shop, their laptops open and

back to back, while they pretended to work, but chatted across the tops of their computers.
“So, Jacob Black still takes number one?” Angela asked.
“Indeed,” Bella sighed. “He’s handsome, successful, funny, thoughtful, ambitious, stable,

kind…perfect.”
“Good, so how—“
“I stopped seeing him.”
Angela blinked over the top of her computer then shut the top and sat back, smirking at Bella.
“I’m not surprised.”
“I know,” Bella said flatly.
“Are you seeing Edward now?” Angela asked.
“No. He is…not perfect. And confusing. And mean. He is mean! And he doesn’t want me anymore—or

he said I had to prove it? Or something?”
“What do you mean…mean?” Angela asked, looking concerned.
“I mean he can be a dick when he’s hurt. Like a wounded animal or something—“
“Not like, verbally or physically batters woman mean, though?” Angela clarified.
“No. He just gets pissy when he’s upset.”
“Again, not surprised. Anyway, what does he want you to prove to him?”
“I don’t even know! That I want him? I’m not about to feed his already stuffed ego, though. Or that I

want him even when I’m not drunk or on vacation—“
“That makes no sense.”
“Well, yeah, long story, but it does make sense. Kind of.”
“Look. Do you want the guy? Even though he’s a hot mess?”

“Yeah, I think…his hot mess is perfect for me.”
“Well, get him,” Angela shrugged. “Prove it to him.”
“Way to pick a side, Ange.”
“You went on and on for months about the perfect man, Bella. Newsflash: There isn’t one. There’s
only perfect for you. Look. Ben snores. All night long. Loudly. This is not standard good trait

material, right?”
“Right. I’d dock points for that.”
“Okay, you would. But I need noise to sleep. So, that’s perfect for me.”
“He pointed out when I had a zit, Angela.”
“Did you have a zit?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then I guess you’re not so perfect yourself. But it didn’t stop him from pursuing you.”
“What if we can’t make it work? What if we’re too—“
“Then I guess you’d break up,” Angela said simply, sliding her glasses up the bridge of her nose.
Bella blinked once at Angela, who had a point.
“It would really suck to have to break up with him,” Bella whispered.
“Then I guess all of his imperfections don’t matter that much to you,” Angela said. “This
conversation is going circular and I’m over it. He’s right about you Bella. You’re too cautious for no

good reason. Piss or get off the pot.”
Bella took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut, then opened her phone.
Across town, Edward ignored his ringing phone, even when he noticed on the Caller ID it was Bella
calling. She could leave a message if she had something to prove.
Edward was in Jasper and Alice’s apartment, aka the apartment he got kicked out of for the sake of
Jaspers libido.
He was in the bathroom, tossing the rest of his stuff in an old shoe box and was just debating taking
a piss in the sink and not rinsing it when his phone chimed, indicating a message.
He smiled to himself and dug his phone out of his pocket.
He listened closely, at first not recognizing the terrible sound coming from the phone.
“I don’t care what consequence it brings…uh…I have been a fool for lesser things…I want you so
bad…I think you ought to know that…”
Click.
Her voice was shaking and high and horribly off key. It sounded like she was whispering and trying
not to cry as she struggled her way through the Billy Joel lyric.
Edward put his phone to his chest and laughed until his sides ached and he kind of felt his heart
breaking for her.
Then he dialed her right back.
“Hello?” Bella answered quick and breathless.

“That was horrible. And you didn’t even sound like you meant it. And it’s a stolen grand gesture.”
“Edward—“
“What else ya got?” he asked, one corner of his mouth lifting.
“Lemme work on it,” Bella grumbled and hung up the phone.
Edward closed his phone, shocked that she actually put up with that. She must really want him,

which was good, because he really wanted her, and was about to do the unthinkable for her.
He lifted the blue uniform Jasper had left hanging on the back of the door.
Jasper tapped at the door and grinned at Edward starting disdainfully at the uniform.
“Edward Cullen, Janitor Museum extraordinaire,” he said.
“Yeah, well. If you saw this girl naked or listened to her talk about crap she knows nothing about
you’d do it, too. Totally worth it.”
“You’re in love,” Jasper declared.
“That or her vagina is made of black magic,” Edward sighed.
Far across town, a deflated Bella stared in the mirror wearing her own waitressing uniform. She
stared long and hard at herself, already three minutes late for work.
Her article would be done soon. Hopefully she’d get picked up permanently at the

magazine. Hopefully. It’d be a huge risk to stop waitressing, if she didn’t want to be starving and
homeless anyway.
A huge, fat risk that she never, ever would’ve taken.
But now she had something to prove.
“I’m not a waitress,” Bella said to reflection. “I’m a writer.”
Then she called in to work to say she wouldn’t be in. Ever.
~*~


Chapter Sixteen
Bella spent the next several days ordering unfamiliar foods from unfamiliar take out places. She
hated all of them, but dammit, she tried them. With an open mind, she listened the Edward Cullen’s

Ultimate Playlist. All of it was crap. She’d rather hear Top Forty. She was also a complete basket case
over quitting her job and had to force herself to not apply for another job or beg for her waitressing

position back. How did one live like this?
She was trying these new Edward Cullen things, she was trying to see if she could ever somehow fit
into her life…but it just didn’t seem to be working.
And that hurt.
That was scarier than not having a job and hating curry and not enjoying the underground music

movement.
She might just never be able to make herself fit into his kind of world. She might actually be meant

for a Jacob Black kind of life.

Edward, meanwhile, decided he hated pushing a dry mop around the museum. He hated filling toilet

paper dispensers and he hated having to show up at a place, at a certain time, and stay until a
certain time—especially when he was on a hot writing roll and had to stop to go to the museum to

push said dry mop around.
He had been fortunate enough to be able to survive the way he had been, he’d taken his father’s very

unfortunate circumstances and in his head, that horrible black cloud had a silver lining. So, dammit,
why was he doing this again?
To be careful for Bella. To be what she needs him to be. Someone who has a cautious, safe
side. Because she was so pretty and she was funny and he just wanted to be right next to her all the

time, just to see what she’d say or do next. He’d do this for her. He’d push this mop because of the
way she stared at the lake with her mouth half open. He’d do it for the terrible way she danced and

for her awful singing. He’d fill toilet paper dispensers and wipe up piss drip for the way she looked
bent over a sink and the way she laughed so big and loud he could see her back teeth. He was doing

it for the suspicious side eye she gave whenever he spewed bullshit. He was doing it because, fuck it,
he’d do just about anything to make her all his.
It was worth it.
In other news Emmett hadn’t been heard from in days, not since he got into Rosalie’s car, which
meant marathon make up sex or homicide, Edward and Jasper just weren’t sure which it was.
On day six, Bella received a curious phone call from Jasper’s girlfriend Alice.
“I lifted your number from Edward’s phone,” Alice told Bella, with no note of apology in her

voice. “We were drunk sisters, I figured it was okay.”
“Sure,” Bella smiled into the phone, more at the idea that her number was still in Edwards phone

than at a call from Alice. “What can I do for ya?”
“Get your boyfriend out of Jasper’s museum,” Alice blurted out with desperation.
“My…what? And what? And really…what?” Bella asked, her eyebrows going from furrowed to raised
seven times in three seconds.
“Mopey-must-have-a-job-Edward is ruining my romantic life. Please, remove him from my
situation.”
“Alice…Edward isn’t my boyfriend and I have no idea what you’re talking about—“
“You don’t?” Alice asked, dubiously.
“No,” Bella gave a confused chuckle.
“Well. Look. Are you busy right now?”
“No,” Bella said flatly, the tension in her head and stomach returning suddenly as she realized she

didn’t have a damn job or anything to keep her busy.
“Meet me? Outside the museum in an hour? Please?”
“Oh,” Bella said. “Sure.”
Because she liked Alice and because Alice had mentioned the words Edward and museum in the

same sentence, so it stood to reason, Edward might be there.
Bella got her hair and cleavage ready to go, and went.
Alice was already there, waiting out on the front steps of the museum when Bella walked up.

“I’m so sorry to do this to you,” Alice greeted, her short legs taking two steps at a time, down to

Bella. “I just…he’s making Jasper miserable and Jasper just soaks up emotions, especially when he
cares about someone and—“
“Alice. What on earth are you talking about?” Bella asked.
“Go look,” Alice said, jabbing a thumb behind herself to the huge, double glass doors of the museum.
Bella squinted her eyes suspiciously at Alice, then slowly climbed the steps to peep through the
glass.
There was Edward, pushing a mop around the marble floor, wearing a blue janitors get up. He
looked tired, with a five o’clock shadow and slumped shoulders, but his ass still looked firm and

high and—wait.
“What the hell is he doing?” Bella asked over her shoulder.
“Working,” Alice answered dryly.
“Working? He doesn’t…believe in jobs or whatever—“
“He believes in you,” Alice said, and Bella turned around and stared at Alice.
“What?”
“He gave Jasper some speech about needing a job because he needs you and he’s just miserable, and

hey, I got your back on that. He needs to have a damn job. But Bella, please—“
“He got a job? Because he wants me?” Bella asked.
“Precisely. He wants to be safe for you, or something? He said something like that,” Alice said,
waving her hand around.
Bella’s mouth opened and her hand went over her suddenly warm chest. She turned back and
looked at Edward again, ready to go inside and hump him right there on the floor—then her eyes

widened and she snapped her gaze back to Alice.
“Fuck!” Bella hissed, and ran down the stairs.
“I know it’s only a janitors position but give the guy a break, he’s trying—“
“It’s not that, Alice,” Bella said, already on the sidewalk. “The article. I’ve got to get it from my

editor.”
~*~


Chapter Seventeen
“Well,” Angela said, dropping a fresh, glossy copy of Simone on Bella’s coffee table, “he wanted a
grand gesture, he certainly got one.”
Bella lifted her eyes from her cell phone, which still hadn’t rung, even though the magazine hit
newsstands early that morning. In fact, Bella hadn’t heard from Edward in a week.
“Apparently, it’s not enough,” Bella said, then kicked at her coffee table with her bare foot. “What
does he want from me anyway? I mean, according to Alice, he got a job for me. And nothing. I’ve

heard nothing from him. It’s just another one of his weird mind games.”
“Uh. Here’s an idea. Call him,” Angela said, plopping on the couch next to Bella.

“I can’t just do that—“
“Parts of his body have been inside of you! I think it’s acceptable to call him at this point,” Angela
nearly shouted.
Bella considered the fact that Angela made an excellent point.
Across town, Edward had just finished reading Bella’s write up on Jacob Black. It was beyond

glowing. And then he listened while Jasper read out loud through the next eight…which meant he
finished dead last.
“Ready?” Jasper asked.
“Shoot,” Edward said.
Jasper skimmed the article, then cautiously looked up at Edward.
“Maybe later—“
“Just read it,” Edward laughed. “I’m in loser position. I already know what it’s going to say. Besides,
her opinion is biased. She wants me so bad it makes her hate me.”
“Right,” Jasper said, eyeing the article warily. “Okay, I’ll paraphrase…uh…Edward Cullen is twenty
six, born and raised Seattle, blah blah blah…sexy, charming in a disarming way—“
“That’s all true,” Edward shrugged.
“Right…ok. He’s selfish and argumentative for the sake of his own entertainment…”
“I can see that. Ok.”
“He lives at home with his mother and father…”
“She just cannot let that shit go.”
“He is quick to point out physical and character flaws in others, but refuses to see his own
shortcomings. “The words egotistical and narcissist don’t do this man justice…”
“Bella is threatened by those with a healthy self esteem.”
“He has a violent streak that he describes as chivalry, which isn’t surprising, as Mr. Cullen wouldn’t

know the true meaning of chivalry if it bit him on his tight rear end.”
“Tight, huh?”
“Edward Cullen insisted we go ‘dutch’ on our first date then proceeded to proposition me for sex in
the bathroom. While he is unquestionably intelligent, he uses said intelligence to manipulate

people and situations to suit his child like, self centered logic.”
“Ouch.”
“What the hell did you do to this girl?” Jasper asked, lowering the magazine.
“I was me,” Edward shrugged, incredulous. Did she seriously really think all of this shit? More to the
point…was all of it true?
“Okay…blah blah blah, oh, ok…this is the kind of man who makes you question your ideals, your
morals and your actions, yet he has no upper ground on any of these things in his own personal

life. And of course, I can’t leave out the time he left a date at the movie for not sharing his choice of
snack.”
“Should I bend over now? Is it done?” Edward asked, his face in his hands.

“Well holy shit,” Jasper muttered.
“Just say it,” Edward sighed. “Say it out loud.”
“Stay away from this one ladies—“
“Awesome.”
“He’s mine.”
“What?”
Jasper put one finger up to shut Edward up as he read on.
“During this process, I fell for a guy who possesses the same characteristics that my ideal least
perfect man would possess. What I learned from all of this, ladies, is that there is no perfect. There

is only what is perfect for you. One girl’s ex is another girl’s dream man. There are perverts,
perpetual bachelors, bankers and playboys, monogamous lawyers and open mouth breathers.

There are men who like movies or those who prefer books. Men who want to be married and have
babies and men who want to have four girlfriends at the same time. There is no perfect. There is

only what is perfect for you. So, if you see any of these nine out, have a crack at one. Or all of
them. Who knows? One could be your Mr. Perfect.”
“Did she…claim me as hers in a national publication?” Edward gaped at Jasper.
“I think she did. There’s a picture of you and everything, too. She claimed you or she hates you so
much she brilliantly cockblocked you by saying you’re a horrible human being and not single to

boot.”
Edward gave Jasper a suspicious side eye, because this could very well be the case. Maybe he pushed

her too hard with the proving shit.
Then Edwards phone rang.
“Bella—“
“Listen to me, you! You will not make a fool out of me anymore. You won’t string me along,

buddy. Okay?”
“Uh, okay, but look—“
“You look! I have eaten shitty, out of my comfort zone food. I have quit my job. I have thought about
you and your hands and your stupid face nonstop and yes, I want you, okay? But you play these

games, where the hell have you been? You got a job and I thought, oh, he’s trying this for me, and it
made me want to cry and have dirty sex with you, but then nothing. And Edward, I won’t do this

forever. You won’t chase me, but dammit, I’m not going to chase you either. You don’t have to be

such an asshole. I messed up, okay? But isn’t that what you preach? It’s okay to make mistakes—
and now I’m sitting here at this park and I’m going to put my feet in this germy, gross fountain water

because you would, and all I’m trying to do is bend myself to fit into your weird life—“
“Which park?”
“What?”
“What park are you at?”
Bella mumbled her answer into the phone while Edward jammed his feet into his shoes, sans socks,
paying no attention to his wrinkled shirt or bed head.

Bella sat on the edge of the fountain, but didn’t have her feet in the germy water. When she looked

up and saw Edward shuffling over, she cursed at her dry feet.
Without a word, Edward kicked off his scrubby tennis shoes and sat on the edge of the fountain, but

the opposite way Bella sat.
Hip to hip, they were facing each other, his feet dangling in the germy water, hers dangling to the

sidewalk.
“I don’t want to put my feet in there, okay?” Bella snapped, before he could call her out on it.
“Okay,” Edward shrugged, squinting up to the sun.
“And I like having a job. It isn’t about safety nets or lack of belief in myself. I like having a job. Okay?”
“Okay. I missed you.”
“Could’ve fooled me,” Bella retorted, acid in her tone. “Look. I don’t know what else you want me to

do. I’ve tried things you like—but you just want to be a dick—I have nothing else up my sleeve.”
“Okay.”
Edward bumped Bella’s shoulder with his.
“Stop it. I have nothing else to try. I can’t keep trying to be someone I’m not—because that would

be a shitty relationship anyway and whatever. I’m sitting here all pathetic and now…the only thing

left is this,” Bella said, gesturing to her pathetic self.
“That’s all I was after,” Edward said.
“I won’t ever be the type to put my feet in nasty water.”
“That’s okay. I won’t ever be the type to not put my feet in nasty water.”
“I won’t ever really do it in the movie theater bathroom.”
“I’ll never really stop seriously asking you to.”
It was quiet for a few minutes, but Edward’s hand found his way to Bella’s, and their fingers
interlaced without a word.
“You told the entire country I was yours.”
“You are,” Bella snapped again, agitated. “It was my grand gesture. And I don’t want you to be with

anyone else. I want all of your…annoying, insane weirdness all to myself.”
“I want your safe, anal retentive, mainstream weirdness all to myself. Which is just

shocking. Someone like you shouldn’t be able to scare the shit out of me, but you’re the only one
that does. You make me so cautious, Bella. I didn’t call because I was chicken shit. I didn’t want to

hear you tell me to get lost.”
“Yeah, well, you turn me into a reckless slacker.”
It was quiet while they both considered all of that. Maybe it was nice that they found someone who

can show them a little something new. Maybe it was good to care so much about someone that you
would consider changing a bit. Maybe they were just a nice, good balance of reckless and safe. Just

enough so that there was no extreme, just perfect.
Checks and balances and all of that.
Edward flipped Bella’s hand palm up in his hand and stared while he spoke.
“Are we gonna do this or what?”

“Yeah. We are,” Bella said, now squinting into the sun as well. “And I’m not even drunk or on

vacation.”
“We’ll have to go to your place for consummation sex. I live with my parents.”
“I know.”
“And I still need to get paid for all of this.”
“You’ll get the damn check.”
“Good.”
“Don’t break my heart, Edward.”
“Don’t break mine.”
“This could end so badly.”
“But shoot. Think about everything in the meantime. And it won’t end badly. Even if it ends, and it

ends with you crying and drunk and me being a dick, the whole thing couldn’t be described as
bad. It works. You have this...weird way of keeping me in check.”
“You make me uncertain. You make me feel like I could fly out of control at any second.”
“We’re a disgusting, clichéd balance.”
“You and I together is so flawed. It makes no sense...it’s so…”
“Imperfect,” Edward filled in.
“Perfect,” Bella corrected, letting her head lean on his shoulder.
He gazed into the murky water, while Bella stared at the crisp blue sky.
“Nah,” Edward said, then he kissed the top of her head. “Imperfectly perfect.”
~*~

~ The End ~