FirstEdition,February2016

PenelopeWard

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CHAPTER1

AcarnearlyhitmeasIpracticallyfloatedacrossthestreetinadazeafterleavingtheattorney’soffice.
Alltheseyears,I’dtriedsohardnottothinkabouthim.Now,hewasallIcouldthinkabout.

Justin.
OhmyGod.
Justin.
Flashes of him invaded my mind: his dark blond hair, his laughter, the strum of his guitar, the deep

sadnessanddisappointmentinhisgorgeouseyesthelasttimeIsawhimnineyearsago.

I was never supposed to face him again, let alone own a house with him. Living with Justin Banks

wasnotanoption,evenifjustforthesummer.Well,itwasprobablymoreliketherewasn’tachancein
hellthatJustinBankswasgoingtoagreetoshareahousewithme.Whetherwelikeditornot,though,the
beachhouseinNewportwasoursnow.Notmine.Nothis.Ours.Fifty-fifty.

WhatthehellwasNanathinking?
I’dalwaysknownshecareddeeplyabouthim,buttherewasnowayIcouldhavepredictedtheextent

ofhergenerosity.Hewasn’tevenrelatedtous,butshe’dalwaysthoughtofhimashergrandson.

I picked up my phone and scrolled down to Tracy’s name. When she picked up, I let out a sigh of

relief.

“Whereareyou?”Iasked.
“OntheEastSide.Why?”
“Canyoumeetup?Ireallyneedtotalktosomeone.”
“Areyouokay?”
My mind went blank before slowly filling again with fragmented thoughts of Justin. My chest

tightened.Hehatedme.I’davoidedhimforsolong,butIwasreallygoingtohavetofacehimnow.

Tracy’svoicesnappedmeoutofmythoughts.“Amelia?Areyoustillthere?”
“Yeah.Everything’sfine.Uh…whereareyouagain?”
“MeetmeatthefalafelplaceonThayerStreet.We’llhaveanearlydinnerandtalkaboutwhateveris

goingon.”

“Okay.Seeyouinten.”
Tracywasafairlynewfriend,sosheknewlittleaboutmychildhoodorteenyears.Wetaughttogether

atalocalcharterschoolinProvidence.Ihadtakentodayofftomeetwithmygrandmother’sattorney.

ThesmellofcuminanddriedmintsaturatedtheairinsideoftheMiddleEasternfastfoodrestaurant.

Tracywavedfromacornerbooth,apiled-highStyrofoamcontaineroftahini-coveredchickenkabobsand
ricealreadyplantedinfrontofher.

“You’renotgonnagetanythingtoeat?”sheaskedwithhermouthfull.Adollopofyogurtsaucecoated

thesideofhermouth.

“No.I’mnothungry.MaybeI’lltakesomethingtogoonthewayout.Ijustneededtotalk.”
“Whatthehellisgoingon?”
Mythroatfeltparched.“Actually,Ineedsomethingtodrinkfirst.Hangon.”Theroomfeltlikeitwas

swayingasImademywaytotherefrigeratorbythecounter.

Afterreturningfrompurchasingabottleofwater,Isatdownandletoutadeepbreath.“Igotsome

prettycrazynewstodayatthelawyer’soffice.”

“Okay…”
“So,obviouslyyouknowIwenttherebecausemygrandmotherpassedawayamonthago…”
“Yes.”
“Well, I was just meeting with the attorney to go over her estate. Turns out she left me all of her

jewelry…andhalfofhersummerhouseonAquidneckIsland.”

“What?Thebeautifulhouseinthatpictureonyourdesk?”
“Yeah. That’s the one. We’d always go there a lot in the summer when I was younger, but in recent

years,she’drenteditout.Thepropertyhadbeeninherfamilyforgenerations.It’solder,butit’sbeautiful
andoverlooksthewater.”

“Amelia,that’samazing.Whydoyouseemsoupset?”
“Well…shelefttheotherhalftoaguynamedJustinBanks.”
“Whoisthat?”
TheonlypersonI’veeverloved.
“He was just a boy I grew up with. My Nana took care of him while his parents worked. Justin’s

housewasononeside,minewasontheother,andNana’swasinthemiddle.”

“So,hewaskindoflikeabrothertoyou?”
Iwish.
“Wewerecloseformanyyears.”
“Fromthelookonyourface,Igetthefeelingthatsomethingchanged?”
“You’dberight.”
“Whathappened?”
TherewasnowayIcouldhandlerehashingitall.Todayhadalreadybeentoomuchformetoabsorb.

Iwouldgiveherashorterversion.

“Basically,Ifoundouthewaskeepingsomethingfromme.AndIfreakedout.I’drathernotgetintoit.

But let’s just say I was fifteen at the time and having a really hard time handling my hormones and my
issueswithmymother.Imadearashdecisiontomoveawayandlivewithmydad.”Swallowingthepain,
Isaid,“IlefteverythingbehindinProvidenceandmovedtoNewHampshire.”

Thankfully, Tracy didn’t pry as to what the secret was. That wasn’t the issue I needed to talk about

today. It was more important for her to help me figure out my next step than for me to be opening old
wounds.

“So,youbasicallyranawayfromitallratherthandealingwithit.”
“Yeah.Ranawayfrommyproblems…andfromJustin.”
“Youhaven’tspokentohimsince?”
“AfterIleft,therewereseveralmonthswheretherewasnocontact.IfeltsoguiltyaboutthewayI

handledthings.IdideventuallytrytoseehimandapologizeonceIcametomysenses,butbythenitwas
toolate.Hedidn’twanttoseemeortalktome.Ican’tsayIblamedhim.He’dmovedon,gotinwitha
different crowd and then eventually moved to New York soon after graduating high school. We just
completely lost touch, but he stayed in contact with Nana apparently. She was like a second mother to
him.”

“Doyouknowwhat’sbecomeofhim?”
“Ihaven’tlookedhimup.I’vealwaysbeentooscaredtofindout.”
“Well,weneedtotakecareofthatrightnow.”Sheputdownherforkandduginsideherpurseforher

phone.

“Whoa…whatareyoudoing?”
“You know I’m a self-proclaimed professional stalker.” Tracy smiled. “I’m looking him up on

Facebook.JustinBanks…yousaidhisnamewas?AndhelivesinNewYorkCity?”

Covering my eyes, I said, “I can’t look. I won’t look. There are probably hundreds of guys named

JustinBanksoutthereanyway.Youprobablywon’tfindhim.”

“Whatdoeshelooklike?”
“ThelasttimeIsawhim,hewassixteen,soI’msurehedoesn’tlookthesame.Hehasdirtyblond

hair,though.”

Hewasreallycute.Icanstillseehisfacelikeitwasyesterday.Icouldneverforgetit.
TracywasreadingaloudinformationforthedifferentJustinBanks’poppinguponFacebook.Nothing

stoodoutuntilshesaid,“JustinBanks,NewYork,NewYork,musicianatJustInTimeAcousticGuitar.”

Myheartdropped,andtomysurprise,Icouldfeeltearstryingtofighttheirwaythroughmyeyelids.

The emotions rising to the surface so fast were unsettling. It was as if he’d come back from the dead.
“Whatdidyoujustsay?Workswhere?”

“JustInTimeAcousticGuitar?Isthathim?”
The words wouldn’t come out, so I stayed silent, pondering the name; it was the same one he’d

alwaysusedevenasakidplayingguitaronourstreetcorner.

JustInTime.
“That’shim,”Ifinallyconceded.
“OhmyGod,Amelia.”
Myheartstartedtopoundfaster.“What?”
“Thisguyis…”
“What?Tellme,”Ipracticallyyelledbeforedowningtherestofmywater.
“He’s…gorgeous.Absolutelyfreakinggorgeous.”
Coveringmyface,Isaid,“Jesus.Pleasedon’ttellmethat.”
“Takealook.”
“Ican’t.”
BeforeIcouldrefuseagain,Tracyshovedthephoneinfrontofmyface.ItshookinmyhandsasItook

it.

SweetJesus.
WhydidIevenlook?
From what I could see in the one photo, he was beautiful—just like I remembered, but at the same

time,reallydifferent.Grownup.Hewaswearingagraybeanieandhadafairamountofchinscruffthat
hewasneverabletogrowwhenIknewhim.Intheprofilepic,hewasleaningintoaguitarandlooked
like he was about to sing into a microphone. The look on his face was intense and gave me the chills.
WhenIwenttoclickontheotherphotos,itwouldn’tletmeinbecausehisprofilewassettoprivate.

Tracyreachedoutforthephone.“He’samusician?”
“Iguessso,”Isaid,handingitbacktoher.
Heusedtowritesongsforme.
“Areyougoingtocontacthim?”
“No.”
“Whynot?”
“IguessIdon’tevenknowwhattosaytohim.Whateverismeanttohappenwillhappen.I’llendup

havingtotalktohimeventually.I’mjustnotgonnabetheonetomakethefirstmove.”

“Howexactlyisthishousingarrangementgoingtoworkanyway?”
“Well,theattorneygavemeasetofkeysandtoldmethatanothersetwassenttoJustin.Bothofour

nameswillbeonthedeed.Nanaalsosetasidesomemoneytobeusedforhouserepairsandmaintenance

tothepropertyduringtheoffseason.I’massuminghe’sbeenmadeawareofallofthesameinfo.”

“Youdon’twanttosellthehouse,right?”
“Noway.Therearetoomanymemories,anditmeantsomuchtoNana.I’mgoingtouseitthissummer

andthenmaybeeventuallyrentitoutifheagreestoit.”

“So, you have no idea how he plans to use his half? You’re just going to show up there in a few

weeks,andifhe’sthere,he’sthere,andifhe’snot,he’snot?”

“Prettymuch.”
“Oh,thisisgoingtobeinteresting.”

***

FourteenYearsEarlier

TheboythatNanastartedwatchingthissummerwassittingoutsideofherhouse.TherewasnowayI
could let him see me looking the way I did right now. Peeking through the curtains of my bedroom
window,IwantedtojustwatchhimwithouthimknowingIwasthere.

TherewaslittleIknewabouthim.HisnamewasJustin.Hewasabouttenyearsoldlikeme,maybe

eleven. He’d just moved here to Rhode Island from Cincinnati. His parents had money; they had to
haveiftheycouldaffordthelargeVictorianhousetheyboughtnextdoortoNana’s.Theybothworked
indowntownProvidenceandpaidNanatowatchJustinafterschool.

Now,Icouldfinallyseewhathelookedlike.Hehadshaggydarkblondhairandwasapparently

trying to teach himself how to play the guitar. I must have stood there at the window for almost an
hourwatchinghimstrummingthestrings.

Outofnowhere,asneezeescapedfromme.Hisheadwhippedupwardtowardthewindow.Oureyes

metforafewsecondsbeforeIimmediatelyducked.MyheartwaspoundingbecausenowheknewI’d
beenwatchinghim.

“Hey.Wheredidyougo?”Icouldhearhimask.
Istayedcroucheddownandsilent.
“Amelia…Iknowyou’rethere.”
Heknewmyname?
“Whyareyouhidingfromme?”
Slowlystandingupwithmybackfacingthewindow,Ifinallyanswered,“Ihavealazyeye.”
“Alazyeye?Isthatlikeawanderingeye?”
“What’sawanderingeye?”
“I’mnotsure.Mymomalwayssaysmydadhasawanderingeye.”
“AlazyeyemeansI’mcross-eyed.”
“Likecock-eyed?”Helaughed.“Noway.That’ssocool.Lemmesee!”
“Youthinkit’scooltohaveaneyeballthatgoesinward?”
“Yeah. I would love that! Like, you could look at people, and they wouldn’t even know you were

staringatthem.”

Hewasstartingtomakemegiggle.
“Well,mineisnotthatbad…yet.”
“Comeon.Turnaround.Iwanttoseeit.”
“No.”
“Please?”
Unsureofwhatcameoverme,Idecidedtolethimseeme.Icouldn’tavoiditforever.
WhenIturnedaround,heflinched.“Whathappenedtoyourothereye?”
“It’sstillthere.”Ipointedtomyrighteye.“Thisisjustapatchoverit.”
“Why do they make it the same color as your skin? From here, it looked like you had no eye.

Scaredthecrapoutofmeforasecond.”

“It’sunderthepatch.Myeyedoctorisgoingtomakemewearthisfourdaysaweek.Todayisthe

firstday.NowyouseewhyIdidn’twantyoutoseeme!”

“It’snothingtobeashamedof.ItjuststartledmeatfirstbecauseIdidn’tknowwhatwascoming.

So,yourcockeyeisunderthere?Iwanttoseeit.”

“No,actually,thecoveredeyeismygoodone.ThedoctorsaysthatifIdon’tusemygoodeye,the

lazyeyewillstrengthenandstraightenoutovertime.”

“Oh…Igetit.So,canyoucomeoutsidenow?Sinceyoudon’thavetohidefrommeanymore?”
“No.Idon’twantanyoneelsetoseeme.”
“Whatareyougonnadowhenyouhavetogobacktoschooltomorrow?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“So,you’rejustgonnastayinsideallday?”
“Fornow.Yes.”
Justindidn’tsayanything.Hejustdroppedhisguitar,stoodupandranovertohishouse.
MaybeIdidreallyscarehimoffafterall.
Five minutes later, he came running back toward his spot in front of Nana’s. When he looked up

intomywindowagain,Icouldhardlybelievemyeyes.(Well,“eye.”)Coveringhisownrighteyewasa
giganticblackpatch.Justinlookedlikeapirate.Hesatdown,liftedhisguitarandstartedstrumming.
Tomysurprise,hethenbegantosingasong.ItwasatakeonBrownEyedGirl,excepthe’dswitched
thelyricstoOneEyedGirl.ThatwaswhenIfiguredoutthatJustinBankswasequalpartsinsaneand
adorable.

Afterhefinishedsinging,hetookablackSharpiemarkeroutofhispocket.
“I’llcoloryoursin,too.Willyoucomeoutsidenow?”
AfeelingwarmerthanI’deverknownfilledmyheart.Thinkingback,thatwasprobablytheexact

momentthatJustinBanksbecamemybestfriend.Thatwasalsothesamedayhefirstgracedmewitha
nicknamethatwouldfollowmethroughourteenageyears:Patch.

CHAPTER2

Itwasdefinitelythecalmbeforethestorm;Ijustdidn’tknowityet.

Thepropertywasingoodshapebecausetheneighbor,Cheri,whowasalsoNana’sgoodfriend,had

been looking after it. Two weeks into my stay at Nana’s summer house—my summer house—I was
knockingonwoodthatthepeaceandquietwouldcontinue.NowordfromJustin.Nowordfromanyone.
Just me, myself and my books as I enjoyed a tranquil start to summer amidst the salty ocean air that
surroundedmeontheisland.

NeverinmylifehadIbeenmoreappreciativeofthiskindofpeace.Itwasjustoveramonthagothat

itfeltlikemyworldhadended.NotonlyhadNanajustdied,butI’dalsojustdiscoveredthatAdam,my
boyfriendoftwoyears,hadbeencheatingonme.ThenightIfoundout,we’djusthadsexwhenhewentto
the bathroom to dispose of the condom and take a shower. He’d left his phone by the bedside, and that
waswhenIsawallofthemessagesfromthisbitchnamedAshlyn.Henormallyalwaystookhisphone
everywherewithhim,eventothebathroom,butthatnightheslipped.IlaterlookedheruponFacebook
andsawthathalfofthepicturesshepostedwereofthetwoofthem.Overthesixmonthsprior,I’dbeen
feelingthatsomethingwasoffwithhim.Thatwasmyfinalconfirmation.JustbeforeIleftforthesummer
house,IfoundoutthatAdammovedtoBostontolivewithher.

So,thiswasamajortimeoftransitionforme.Attwenty-four,Iwassingleagainandstartinganew

lifeinNewportforthesummer.MyteachingjobinProvidenceaffordedmesummersoff.Myhopewasto
findatemporaryjobfortheseason,butfornow,Ijustwantedtoenjoyafewweeksofrelaxation.

My day would start with coffee on the upper deck that overlooked Easton’s Beach. Listening to the

seagulls,IwouldperuseFacebook,readmyInStylemagazineorsimplymeditate.I’dthensoakinthetub
upstairsforaslongasIpleasedbeforegettingdressedandstartingmyday,andbythatImeancurlingup
onthecouchwithmybook.

Bymid-afternoon, I’d makelunch and bringit back out tothe upper deck.Before nightfall, I would

drive down to Thames Street in Newport and browse the shops, looking at blown glass, trinkets and
nauticalartwork.Then,I’dstopforgelatoorcoffee.

The day typically winded down with a trip down to the dock for some freshly-caught lobster or

quahogs.I’dtakethemhomeinabagandsteamtheminapotoutsideintheyard.Then,I’dsitdownto
dinnerwithabottleofchilledwhitewinewhileenjoyingthesunsetovertheAtlantic.

Thiswasthelife.
Myroutinestayedthesameeverysingledayforacoupleofweeksuntilmyrudeawakeninghit.

***

ReturningfromdowntownNewportwithmybagofcrustaceansonenight,Inoticedthatthefrontdoorto
thehousewaswideopen.DidIforgettolockit?Wasitthewind?

My heartbeat accelerated when I entered the kitchen to find a tall, leggy chick with short, cropped

platinumblondehair.ShelookedlikeayoungMiaFarrowandwasstockingthecabinets.

Iclearedmythroat.“Hello?”
She turned around before covering her chest. “Oh my God. You scared me.” Walking over to me

smiling,sheheldoutherhand.“I’mJade.”

With fine features, high cheekbones and that pixie cut, Jade could have been a model. I was the

completeoppositefromherphysicallywithmylong,darkhairandcurvyfigure.

“I’mAmelia.Whoareyou?”
“I’mJustin’sgirlfriend.”
Mystomachsank.“Oh…Isee.Whereishe?”
“Hejustwenttothemarketandtheliquorstore.”
“Howlonghaveyoubeenhere?”
“Wejustarrivedaboutanhourago.”
“Howlongareyoustaying?”
“Notsurereally.We’rejustgonnaseewherethesummertakesus.Neitherofuswereexpectingthis

development…youknow,thehouse.”

“Yeah…I know.” I looked down at the French-manicured toes peeking out of her heels. “Do you

work?”

“I’manactress,actually…onBroadway.Well,off Broadway for now. I’m in between jobs, but I’ll

probablybegoingbackandforthtoNewYorkforauditions.Whatdoyoudo?”

“I’mamiddleschoolteacher.So,Igetthesummersoff.”
“Oh,that’sreallycool.”
“Yeah.It’sfun.WheredoesJustinwork?”
“Heworksfromhomerightnow.Hesellssoftware.Hecanworkfromanywhere.Healsoperforms.

Youknowhe’samusician,right?”

“Actually,Idon’tknowmuchabouthimanymore.”
“Whathappenedbetweenyoutwoanyway?Ifyoudon’tmindmyasking…”
“He’snevertoldyouanythingaboutme?”
“Justthatyougrewuptogetherandthatyou’reMrs.H.’sgranddaughter.Honestly,henevermentioned

youatalluntilwegotthatletterfromtheattorney.”

Eventhoughthatwasexpected,itmademesad.“That’snosurprise.”
“Whydoyousaythat?”
“It’skindofalongstory.”
“Didyouguyseverdate?”
“No.Itwasnothinglikethat.Wewerejustgoodfriends,butwedriftedapartafterImovedaway.”
“Isee.Thiswholethingisalittleweird,right?Imean,inheritingahouselikethisoutofnowhere?”
“Well, my grandmother was very generous, and she loved Justin very much. My mother is her only

child,andNanalovedJustinlikeason,so…”

“Yourgrandmotherleftthehousetoyouandnotyourmother?”
“MomandNanahadabitofafallingoutsomeyearsago.Thankfully,theymadeamendsbeforeshe

died,butthingswereneverreallythesameagain.”

“I’msorrytohearthat.”
“Thanks.”
Jadeopenedherarmstopullmeintoacasualhug.“Well,Ireallyhopewecanbefriends.Itwillbe

nicetohaveagirlaroundtoshopwith,checkouttheisland.”

“Yeah.That’dbenice.”
“Ihopeyou’llhavedinnerwithustonight?”
Iwasn’treadytofacehim.Ineededtomakeupastoryandgetoutofhere.
“Actually,probablynottonight.I’dbetterbeleaving—”

“That’swhatyou’regoodat,isn’tit?”adeepvoiceIhardlyrecognizedinterruptedmefrombehind.
“What’sthat?”Iasked,swallowingnervouslyandrefusingtoturnaroundtolookathim.
“Leaving,”hesaidlouder.“That’swhatyou’regoodat.”
Mybreathingwasragged,butitwaswhenIturnedaroundthatInearlylostit.
Holyfuck.

CHAPTER3

Justinwasstandinginfrontofme,andIswearitwasliketheboyI’dleftbehindhadbeenswallowedup
byaleanmassofmuscle.HejustlookedsodifferentfromwhatIrememberednineyearsago.Theanger
on his face was transparent and somehow made him even more incredibly hot. It just would have been
betterifitweren’tdirectedtowardme.

His skin was a beautiful shade of bronze that complemented the natural golden streaks in his dark

blond hair. The smooth face I remembered was now rough and unshaven. A rope and barb wire tattoo
wrappedaroundhisbicep.Hewaswearingcamouflagecargoshortswithatightwhiteribbedtankthat
huggedhischiseledchest.

AnindeterminateamountoftimepassedasIjusttookhimin.EventhoughIwastoostunnedtosay

anything, my heart was screaming. I knew deep down my reaction wasn’t just because of my physical
attraction to him. It was because despite all of the changes, one thing had stayed exactly the same. His
eyes.TheyreflectedthesamehurtthatIrememberedfromtheverylasttimeIsawhim.

Hisnamefinallymanagedtorolloffmytongue.“Justin…”
“Amelia.”Thedeep,throatysoundofhisvoicevibratedthroughme.
“Iwasn’tsureifyouwereevergoingtoshowup.”
“Whywouldn’tIhave?”hesneered.
“Well,Ithoughtmaybeyouwereavoidingme.”
“You’ve overestimated your significance to me. Of course, I was going to come. This is half my

house.”

Hiswordsstung.“Ididn’tsayitwasn’t.It’sjust…Ihadn’theardanythingfromyou.”
“Interestinghowthatgoes.”
Clearly uncomfortable with our sparring, Jade cleared her throat. “I was just asking Amelia if she

wantedtohavedinnerwithustonight.Maybeyouguyscancatchup.”

“Apparently,shealreadyhasplans.”
Iturnedtohim.“Whydoyousaythat?”
“Oh,Idon’tknow…becauseyou’reholdingabagthatsmellslikedirtysnatch?”
“It’sfreshseafood.”
“Doesn’tsmellveryfreshtome.”
“God. We haven’t seen each other in nine years, and this is how you act?” I turned to Jade. “Is he

alwaysthisrude?”

Beforeshecouldanswer,hecracked,“Iguessyoubringitoutinme.”
“YouthinkNanawouldbehappyrightnowwithyourattitude?Somethingtellsmeshedidn’tleaveus

thishousesothatwecouldfightwitheachother.”

“Sheleftusboththishousebecauseweeachmeantsomethingtoher.Thatdoesn’tmeanwehaveto

mean anything to each other. Anyway, if you cared so much about what Mrs. H. thought, maybe you
shouldn’thaverunaway.”

“That’salowblow.”
“Thetruthhurts,Iguess.”
“Itriedtocontactyou,Justin.I—”

“I’mnottalkingaboutthisnow,Amelia,”hesaid,speakingthroughgrittedteeth.“It’soldnews.”
Itwasunnervingtohearhimcallmebymyactualname.Asidefromtheveryfirstdaywe’dmet,he’d

alwayscalledmePatchorPatchy.Hearingmynamecomeoutofhismouthfeltlikeaslapinthefacefor
somereason,likehewastryingtoemphasizehowmuchwe’dgrownapart.

Justinwentfromhottocoldasheshutdown,headingbackoutsidetoretrievethegroceriesfromhis

carbutnotbeforeslammingthedoorbehindhim.

I shuddered, looking over at Jade whose eyeballs were moving back and forth from side to side in

confusion.

“Well,thatwasanicestart,”Ijoked.
“I don’t know what to say. I’ve never seen him act like that toward anyone to be honest. I’m really

sorry.”

“It’snotyourfault.Believeitornot,Iprobablydeserveit.”
The only thing worse than the rude reception he’d given me was his blatantly ignoring me during

dinnerandfortherestofthatnight.Thathurtmorethananythinghecouldhaveeversaidtome.

***

IfIthoughttheeveningwashorrible,lackofsleepassuredthatthenextmorningwasevenworse.

Apparently,Justinfoundawaytotakeouthisanger—bytakingitoutonJade.Let’sjustsayplaying

guitarwasn’ttheonlytalenthe’dfullydevelopedovertime.Jade’smoaninginthemiddleofthenightas
Justinpoundedintoherwokemeup.Thewallsliterallyshook.Itwasimpossibletogobacktosleepafter
that.Itossedandturned,mythoughtsalternatingbetweenrehashingJustin’swordstomefromearlierto
imagining what that scene in the other room actually looked like. Not that I really should have been
thinkingaboutthelatter,butIcouldn’tseemtohelpmyself.

It was 7AM, and the house was quiet, so I assumed they were both catching up on sleep after their

sexcapade.WhenIsnuckdownstairstomakesomecoffee,tomysurprise,hewasstandinginthekitchen
alonestaringoutofthespaciouswindowoverlookingthewater.Coffeewaspercolating.Hisbackwas
towardme,sohehadn’tseenmestandingthereyet.

Iusedtheopportunitytoadmirehisstatureandtheflawlessskinofhisdefined,shirtlessback.Black

gym pants hugged his beautifully round ass. I never realized how incredible his ass was. My physical
attractiontohimreallyirkedmeunderthecircumstances,butthatdidn’tstopmefromcheckinghimout.
Hehadarectangular-shapedtattoointhemiddleofhisback.Squinting,Iunsuccessfullytriedtofigureout
whatitwas.Hestartledmewhenhesuddenlyturnedaroundandmetmewithanincendiarystare.

“Doyoualwaysoglepeoplewhenyouthinktheycan’tseeyou?”
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.“HowdidyouknowIwasstandinghere?”
“Icouldseeyourreflectioninthewindow,genius.”
Shit.
“Youdidn’tevenflinch.Ididn’tthinkyounoticedme.”
“Clearly.”
“Areyoutryingtomakemehateyouorsomething?Becauseyou’redoingaprettydamngoodjob.”
Justindidn’tanswermyquestion.Instead,hejustturnedbackaroundtowardthewindow.
“Whydoyoudothat?”Iasked.
“Dowhat?”
“Saythingstopissmeoffthenshutdown?”
Hecontinuedtospeaktothewindow,“WouldyouratherIjustcontinuetopissyouoff?I’mtryingto

getmyangerincheckwithyou,Amelia.YoushouldbehappyIknowwhentostop…unlikesomepeople.”

“Willyouatleastlookatmewhenyou’retalkingtome?”
Heturnedaroundandwalkedtowardmeslowlythenleanedhisfacein.Icouldfeelhiswordsonmy

lipswhenheasked,“Isthisbetter?You’drathermeinyourfacelikethis?”

Icouldpracticallytastehisbreath.Myentirebodyfeltweakfromtheclosecontact,soIbackedaway.
“Ididn’tthinkso,”hesnarled.
Iwalkedovertotherefrigeratorandopenedit,pretendingtolookforsomething.Itannoyedmethat

mypeacefulmorningswereathingofthepast.

“Youalwaysgetupthisearly?”Iasked.
“I’mamorningperson.”
“Icanseethat…sobrightandcheery,”Isaid,sarcastically.“Someofusneedsleep,though.”
“Isleptjustfinelastnight.”
“Oh,Iknow…afteryoutraumatizedme.Youmusthavepassedoutafterallthatscrewing.Couldyou

twohavebeenanylouderlastnight?”

“Well,excuseme.IfIcan’tfuckinmyownhousewheredoyouexpectmetodoit?”
“Ididn’tsayyoucouldn’tdoit.Justbemorerespectful.”
“Definerespect.”
“Doingitquietly.”
“Sorry.Idon’tfuckquietly.”
AsmuchasIhatedthatanswer,Isomehowfeltthatthosewordswouldberepeatinginmyheadlater

tonight.

“Forgetit.Clearly,youdon’tknowthemeaningofrespect.”
“Respectyou?Why…becauseyou’renotgettinglaid?Whydon’tyouhookupwithsomesaltydude

downatthedock?Maybethenyouwon’tcaresomuchaboutotherpeople’sbusiness.”

“Saltydude?”
“Yeah. You know, the guys that live on the boats…the ones who sell you that nasty fish you were

eatinglastnight.”

Ijustshookmyheadandrolledmyeyes,refusingtodignifythatcommentwitharesponse.
Hesurprisedmewhenhesuddenlyliftedthecarafe.“Wantsomecoffee?”
“Nowyou’rebeingnice?”
“No,Ijustfiguredyou’restickingaroundforsomereason.Itmustbethecoffee.”
“Thisismykitchen.”
Hewinked.“Ourkitchen.”Grabbingtwomugsfromthecabinet,heasked,“Howdoyoutakeyours?”
“Creamandsugar.”
“I’lltakecareofitwhileyougoputonabra.”
Ilookeddownatmyboobswhichwerehangingfreelybeneathmywhitet-shirt.Notexpectingtorun

into him this early, I hadn’t thought to put one on. Too embarrassed to acknowledge the fact that he’d
noticed,Iwentbacktomyroomandgotdressed.

WhenIreturned,hewasbackatthewindow,drinkinghiscoffee.
“Isthisbetter?”Iasked,referringtomydress.
He turned around and gave me a once over. “Define better. If better means I can’t see your tits

anymore…yes,it’sbetter.Ifbetter,meansyoulookbetter,that’sdebatable.”

“What’swrongwiththis?”
“Itlookslikeyousewedityourself.”
“Actually,it’sfromoneoftheshopsontheisland.Itishandmade.”

“Outofapotatosack?”
“Idon’tthinkso.”
Maybe?
Hesnickered.“Yourcoffee’sonthecounter,RaggedyAnn.”
Myinclinationwastotrytocomeupwithacomeback,butthenIrealizedthatwasprobablywhathe

wanted.Ineededtokillhimwithkindnessinsteadofshowingmyanger.

“Thankyou.Thatwasniceofyoutomakeitforme.”
Asshole.
Itookasipandimmediatelyspititout.“Whatdidyouputinthis?It’ssostrong!”
Insteadofansweringme,hejuststartedtocrackup.Hislaughterresonatedthroughthekitchen,andas

muchasIhatedthatitwasatmyexpense,itwasthefirsttimehe’dlaughed.Ittookmebackintimefora
momentandservedastheonlyrealreminderthatthesmokinghotassholeinfrontofmeusedtobemy
bestfriend.

“Youdon’tlikeit?”
“It’sabitstrong.Whatisit?”
“It’scoffeefusion,actually.”
“Whatdoesthatevenmean?”
Justin sauntered over to the cabinet and took out a can and a package. “It’s my own recipe. Cuban

coffeemixedwiththisone.”Hepointedtotheblackpackagingthathadawhiteskullandcrossboneson
it.

“Whatthehellisthat?”
“It’scoffee.Iorderitonline.Nothingelseiscaffeinatedenoughforme.”
“That’swhyyouwantedtoserveittome,wasn’tit?YouknewI’dhatethis…concoction.”
Insteadofanswering,hesimplyletoutthatraspylaughofhisagain,exceptthistime,hewaslaughing

wayharderthanbefore.

Jadeenteredthekitchen,wearingalongblackt-shirtthatmusthavebeentheonehewasn’twearing.

“What’ssofunny?”

Justin’smischievouseyespeekedfrombehindhismug.Hesnickered.“Wewerejusthavingcoffee.”
Jadeshookherhead.“Youdidn’tdrinkhismud,didyou?Idon’tknowhowhelikesthatstuff.”
I reminded myself of my plan to kill him with kindness. Taking another sip of the coffee, I nodded.

“Actually,atfirsttaste,itwasprettystrong,butIactuallythinkIreallylikeit.”

Itwasdisgusting.
“You’dbetterbecareful.Thatshitispotent.Justinisimmunetoit,buttheoneandonlytimeIdrankit,

itkeptmeupforlikefourdays.”

Justinchuckled.“Apparently,wekeptAmeliauplastnight.”
Jadeturnedtome.“Oh,shit.I’msorry.”
Shrugging,Isaid,“It’snobigdeal.Igotusedtoitafterawhile.”
“Wasthatwhenyoudecidedyouwishedyoucouldjoinin?”hecracked.
Fuckhim.
Iwasnotgoingtorespondtothat.
The more I looked over at his smug expression, the more determined I became to finish the entire

damnmugofcoffeetospitehim.“I’mreallysurprisedathowmuchI’mactuallylikingthis,”Ilied.

Jade chose to ignore Justin’s earlier comment. “What do you say after breakfast we head to town,

Amelia?I’dloveitifyoucouldshowmearoundtheisland.”

“Alright.Thatwouldbenice.”

Shewalkedovertohimandwrappedherarmaroundhiswaist.“Youwanttocomewithus,babe?”
“No.Ihaveshittodo,”Justinsaidbeforefinishingoffthelastofhiscoffeeandputtingthecupinthe

sink.

“Okay.Justthegirlsthen.”

***

Thecoffeehadturnedmeintoaspaz.AsJadeandIwalkedaroundNewportthatmorning,shekepthaving
totellmetoslowdown.Apparently,inherheels,shecouldn’tkeepupwithme.

At one point later in the afternoon, we stopped to rest our legs. Jade and I sat on a wooden bench

overlookingthedozensofdockedsailboatsasthesunshinedoverthewater.

“So,howdidyouandJustinmeet?”Iasked.
“IwasintheaudienceatthisclubcalledHadesinthecity.Justinwasperformingtherethatnight.He

waseyeingmethewholetimehewassingingandaftertheshow,hecametofindme.Whenhesaidhe
wasthinkingofmewhilehewassingingthelastsong,Inearlydied.We’vebeeninseparablesince.”

My face felt hot. I wasn’t willing to admit to myself that it was jealousy. The thought of them

connecting so intimately while he was in the middle of performing made me uncomfortable for some
reason.Maybebecauseitremindedmeofthesongsheusedtowriteforme.You’dthinknothingwould
bothermeafterhavingtoenduretheirfuckinglastnight.

“Whatkindofmusicdoesheplaynow?”
“Well,hedoessomecoversofartistslikeJackJohnson,buthealsowritesalotoforiginalstuff.He

mostly plays clubs, but his manager has been trying to get him a music deal. Of course, the girls all go
crazyoverhim.Thatparthastakensomegettingusedtoforme.”

“I’msureit’shard.”
“Yeah.Bigtime.”Shetiltedherhead.“Whataboutyou?Noboyfriend?”
“Ijustgotoutofarelationship.”
Ispentthenexthalf-hourrehashingtoherwhathappenedwithAdam.Jadewasreallyeasytotalkto,

andIcouldtellitreallyupsethertofindoutaboutAdam’scheatingonme.

“Well, better to find out these things now while you’re still young than to waste a decade with

someonelikethat.”

“You’reveryright.”
“We’llhavetofindyousomeonethissummer.I’veseenalotofhotguyswalkingaroundheretoday.”
“Really?BecausetheonlyonesI’veseenwereholdingeachother’shands.”
Shelaughed.“No.Therewereothers.”
“I’mreallynotlookingtogetintoanotherrelationship.”
“Whosaidanythingaboutthat?Youneedtogetlaid…havesomefun,especiallyafterwhatthatdick

ofanexdidtoyou.Youdeserveahotsummerfling,someonewhoknocksyoursocksoff,someoneyou
can’tstopthinkingaboutevenwhenthey’renotaround.”

Sadly,it’syourboyfriendthatIcan’tgetoutofmyheadatthemoment.
Shemeantwell,soIjustsmiledandnoddedeventhoughIhadnointentionofsleepingwithanyone

thissummer.

On our way home, we passed Sandy’s on the Beach, a restaurant that was known for live music at

night and really good food. A sign out front read, Temporary Summer Help Wanted. Since there was a
universityjustoverthebridge,alotofthestudentswenthomeinthesummer,leavingsomeofthelocal
restaurantsinneedoftemporarywaitstaff.

Istoppedshortinfrontoftheentrance.“DoyoumindifIgoinandinquireaboutthis?”
“Sure.I’dactuallyliketocheckitout,too.”
ItturnedoutthatSandy’swasdesperateforsummerhelp.BothJadeandIhadwaitressingexperience,

sowesatdownandfilledoutapplications.Bythetimewewalkedoutofthere,weeachhadajob.The
manager basically told us we could work any night we wanted. The extra money and flexibility was
impossible to pass up. Jade was particularly happy that he’d told her it was no problem if she had to
suddenlycancelashiftintheeventshegotcalledbacktoManhattanforanaudition.Wewereeachgoing
tostarttomorrow.

Thatnight,Jadethoughtweshouldcelebrateournewjobsoverdinneranddrinksontheupperdeck

backatthehouse.Ithadn’tdawnedonmehowpeacefulbeingawayfromJustinalldayhadbeen.

Whenwewalkedinthedoor,butterfliesstartedtoswarminmystomachagainassoonasIsmelled

hiscologne.JustinwasstandinginthekitchendrinkingabeerwhenJaderanovertohimandwrappedher
armsaroundhisneck.Justinwastall—oversixfeet—butJadewasn’tthatmuchshorterthanhim.Nextto
bothofthem,Iwasbasicallyamidget.

God,hecleanedupnice.
Justin had changed out of his camouflage shorts from earlier into dark jeans and a gray shirt with

black stripes that hugged his chest. He’d done something to his hair that I couldn’t pinpoint. Maybe
washedit?Whateveritwas,itbroughtouttheblueinhiseyes—eyesthatwerenowgazingintoJade’s.

Sheranherfingersthroughhishairthenkissedhim.“Imissedyou,babe.Guesswhat?Webothgot

jobsatthisrestaurantonthebeach.”

“DidyoutellthemyoucouldgetcalledbacktoNewYorkanytime?”
“Theguysaiditdidn’tmatter.HesaidIcouldbasicallyjustworkwheneverIwant.”
“Really. That sounds a bit shady to me. But whatever. You sure he doesn’t just want in your pants,

Jade?”

“Hesaidthesamethingtome,”Iinterrupted.
“Well,thenitcan’tbethat.”
Ittookmeabittorealizethathe’djustinsultedme.
JadeinterceptedbeforeIcouldmusterupacomeback.“It’smildout.Howaboutweallhavedinner

ontheupstairsdecktonight.WecouldbarbecuethatsteakIhavemarinatinginthefridge.”

Ididn’thavethehearttotellherIdon’tlikeredmeat,soIjustkeptquiet.HewouldprobablythinkI

waslookingforanexcusenottohavedinnerwiththem.

Killhimwithkindness.
“I’mnotthatgreatofacook,butIcanmakeabigsalad.”
Justinsmackedthecounter.“Great.I’llstartthegrillwhileAmeliatossesherbigsalad.”
HestartedtowalkoutsidewhenIyelledafterhim.
“YouknowwhatNanawouldsaytoyourightnow?She’dtellyoutogowashyourdirtymouthout

withsoap.”

Heturnedaroundandliftedhisbrow.“Soapwouldn’tcutit.”
IsupposeIshouldhavebeenhappythathewastalkingtomeasopposedtopretendingIwasn’tthere.

Iguessweweremakingprogress?

After chopping up lettuce, carrots, red onion, tomatoes and cucumbers, I dressed the salad with

homemadehoneymustardvinaigrette.

I carried it upstairs where Justin and Jade were already sitting down at the table. Jade had poured

three glasses of Merlot, and Justin was sipping one as he looked over at the waves, which were rough
tonight.

Oncewestartedeating,Justinwouldn’tlookatmeormakeconversation.Ifilledmyplatewithsalad

andbread,andittookawhilebeforeanyonenoticedthatIwasn’teatinganythingelse.

Jade’smouthwasfullwhenshesaid,“Youdidn’teventouchthesteak.”
“Idon’treallyliketoeatmeat.”
Justinchuckled.“Isthatwhyyoucan’tfindaman?”
I dropped my fork. “You’re a prick. Seriously. I don’t recognize you anymore. How were we ever

bestfriends?”

“IusedtoaskmyselfthatallthetimebeforeIstoppedgivingashit.”
Igotupfromthetableandwentdownstairs.Leaningagainstthekitchencounter,Ibreathedinandout

slowlytocalmmyselfdown.

Jade came up quietly behind me. “I really don’t get what’s going on between you two or why he

refusestotalkaboutit.Areyousureyouguysneverdated?”

“Itoldyou,Jade.Itwasn’tanythinglikethat.”
“Willyoutellmewhathappened?”
“Ithinkheshouldbetheonetoexplainittoyou.Honestly,Idon’twanttopisshimoffanymorethanI

alreadyhavebyoversteppingmybounds.Besides,Icanhonestlysaythatifhe’smad,it’sbecauseofthe
wayIleft…myrunningaway.Anythingthathappenedbeforethatisirrelevantnow.He’spissedbecause
ofhowIhandledit.”

“Let’sjustgobackupstairsandtrytohaveanicedinner.”
Back on the upper deck, Justin was stone-faced, pouring more wine into his glass. A part of me

wantedtoslaphimacrosstheface,butanotherpartfeltguiltythatIhadcausedsomuchangerinhim.He
saidhedidn’tcare,butIrefusedtobelievehewouldbeactinguplikethisifhedidn’t.

Itouchedhisarm.“Willyoujusttalktome?”
Hewhippedhisarmaway.“I’moverit.I’mnottalkingaboutanything.”
“WillyoudoitforNana?”
Hisheadflippedup,andhisbeautifulblueeyesdarkened.“Stopfuckingbringingherintothis.Your

grandmotherwasawonderfulwoman.ShewasthemotherIneverhad.Sheneverturnedherbackonme
like pretty much everyone else in my life. This house is a representation of Mrs. H., which is why I’m
here.I’mnotherebecauseofyou.Youwantmetotalk,butwhatyoudon’tseemtounderstandisthatI
don’thaveanythingtosayaboutanythingthathappenedalmostadecadeago.I’veeraseditall.It’stoo
late,Amelia.Idon’tcareifyouandJadebecomefriends,alright?Butdon’tbothertryingtogetthroughto
mebecausewe’renotgonnabefriends.Youputmeinashitmood,andIdon’twanttospendthiswhole
summerinashitmood.We’reroommates.Nothingmore.Stoppretendingthereissomethingmoretoit.
Stoppretendingtolikethegoddamncoffee.Stoppretendingeverythingisjustgreat.Cuttheshitandsee
thingsforwhattheyare.Wedon’tmeananythingtoeachother.”Hegotupandtookhisplate.“I’mdone,
Jade.I’llseeyouintheroom.”

JadeandIsatinsilence,listeningtonothingbutthesoundofthewavescrashingbeneathus.
“I’msosorry,Amelia.”
“Please.Don’t,okay?He’sright.Sometimes,youcan’tfixthings.”Despitethecomplacentwordsthat

hadcomeoutofmymouth,atearfelldownmycheek.

***

ElevenYearsEarlier

Momhadlefttogooutagain.Lordknowswhereshewentorwithwhom.Icouldnevercountonmy
mother, Patricia, for anything. There were only two people I could depend on in my life: Nana and
Justin.

TheonegoodthingaboutMomleavingmealonemostnightswasthatitallowedmetosneakoutof

the house and go wherever I wanted. Nana assumed my mother was home half of the time, so she
couldn’tstopme.

JustinandIwereplanningtomeetinfifteenminutes.Weweregoingtothemalltohangoutwith

someoftheothereighthgradersfromschool.ThesekidswerepartofthecoolcrowdthatJustinandI
hadbeentryingtobreakinto.Becausethetwoofusmainlyhungoutwitheachother,wereallyweren’t
associatedwithanyoneclique.

Hewaswaitingatthecornerwithhishandsinhispockets.Ilovedwhenheworehisbaseballcap

backwardsandthewaythedirtyblondstrandsofhairpeekedoutofthesides.Iwasstartingtonotice
littlethingslikethatmoreandmorelately.Itwashardnotto.

Hewalkedtowardme.“Youreadytogo?”
“Yeah.”
Justinstartedtorun.“Wehavetohurryup.Thenextbusisinfiveminutes.”
I didn’t know why the thought of hanging out with these kids was making me so nervous. Justin

didn’tseemnervousatall.Hewasmoreconfidentthanmeingeneral.

When we stepped inside the mall, the fluorescent lights were a sharp contrast to the dark winter

outside.Weweresupposedtobemeetingthesekidsatthefoodcourt,sowemadeourwaytoamapof
thethree-storybuilding.

Myheartwaspoundingasweapproachedthetwoboysandagirlwhowerestandingoutsideofan

AuntieAnnie’spretzelstand.JustincouldtellIwasonedge.

“Don’tbenervous,Patch.”
ThefirstthingIrememberhearingoutofChandler’smouthwas,“Whatthehellisthat?”
“What?”
“Didyoushityourself,Amelia?”
My heart was now beating out of my chest as I looked down at myself. I knew that despite my

nerves,Ihadn’tlostcontrolofmybowels.Oneknowsifthathappens,right?No.Thiswasnotpoop;it
wasblood.Iwasn’tpreparedforitbecauseitwasthefirsttimeI’devergottenmyperiod.Atthirteen,I
waslaterthanmostoftheothergirlsIknew.Thiswasprobablytheworsttimingimaginable.

Justinlookeddownthenupintomypanickedeyes.
Imouthedtohim,“It’sblood.”
Withouthesitation,hegavemeaquicknodasiftosaythathehaditcovered.
“It’sblood,”hesaid.
“Blood?Ew…gross!”theotherboy,Ethan,said.
“Ameliastabbedherselfwithmyknifeonthewayhere.”
I’dbeenlookingdown,butIwhippedmyheadupandlookedoveratmyfriendincredulously.
Chandler’seyeswidened.“Shestabbedherself?”
“Yeah.” Justin smiled. To my surprise, he took a pocket knife out of his jacket. “See this here? I

carryiteverywherewithme.It’saSwissArmyknife.Anyway,IwasshowingittoAmeliaonthebus.I

daredhertostabherselfintheabdomen.Crazygirlthatsheis,sheactuallydidit.So,anyway,she’s
gotbloodonherpantsnow.”

“Areyoujoking?”
“WishIwas,dude.”
ThethreeofthemlookedateachotherbeforeChandlersaid,“That’sthecoolestfuckingthingI’ve

everheard!”

Ethansmackedmyarm.“Seriously,Amelia.That’ssomeepicshitrightthere.”
Justin laughed. “Yeah, so anyway…we figured we’d come say ‘hey’ since we were almost here

anyway…butweshouldprobablygethertotheemergencyroom.”

“Cool,man.Letusknowhowitgoes.”
“Alright.”
“Whattheheckdidyoujustdo?”Iwhisperedaswewalkedaway.
“Don’tsayanything.Justwalk.”
Thecoolnightairhitusasweexitedtherotatingdoorsofthemall.Westoodonthesidewalkand

staredateachotherforamomentbeforebreakingintohystericallaughter.

“Ican’tbelieveyoucameupwiththatcrazystory.”
“Notthatyoushouldbeashamedofthetruth,butIknewyouwereembarrassed.So,Iwantedtodo

something.Youwerepullingonyourhairlikecrazy.”

“Iwas?Ididn’tevenrealize.”
“Yeah.Youdothatwhenyou’rereallynervous.”
“Ineverknewyounoticedthat.”
Hiseyestravelleddowntomylipsforamomentwhenhesaid,“Inoticeeverythingaboutyou.”
Feelingsuddenlyflush,Ichangedthesubject.“Ineverknewyoucarriedaknife.”
“I always do. You know, in case something happens when we’re out. I need to be able to protect

you.”

Myheartthatwasbeatingforthosejerksjustamomentagowasnowbeatingincessantlyforan

entirelydifferentreason.

“I’dbettergethome.”
“There’s a drug store right there. Why don’t you go get something. Ask them if they have a

bathroomyoucanuse.”

IwentinsideandusedthemoneyIhadreservedforvideogamesatthemallarcadetobuyaboxof

maxipadsandsomecheapgrannyunderwear.I’dtackletamponslaterwhenIhadtimetofigureout
howtousethem.

When I emerged, Justin took off his hoodie and handed it to me. “Here, wrap this around your

waist.”

“Thankyou.”
“Wherearewegoingnow?”heasked.
“Whatdoyoumean?Ihavetogethome!Ihavebloodallovermypants.”
“Noonecanseeitwithmyjacketwrappedaroundyou.”
“Istilldon’tfeelcomfortable.”
“I really don’t want to go back home tonight, Patch. I know where we can go…where we won’t

knowanyone.It’ssomeplaceIgobymyselfsometimes.Comeon.”

JustinledmedownthesidewalksofProvidence.Afterabouttenminutes,weturnedacornerand

approachedasmallredbuilding.Ilookedupattheilluminatedsign.

“Thisisamovietheater?”

“Yup.Theyshowthekindofmoviesthatnobodyknowsaboutorthatpeopledon’ttalkabout.The

bestpart?Theydon’tevencarehowoldyouarehere.”

“Aretheybadmovies?”
“No.Notlikethosenakedkindofmovies,theonesItoldyoumydadwatches.No.Theseonesare

likeforeignwithsubtitlesandstuff.”

Justin bought two tickets and a popcorn for us to share. The theater smelled musty and was

practicallyempty,whichwasperfectconsideringIdidn’twanttoseeanyonetonight.Eventhoughthe
seatsweresticky,thiswasjustwhatIneeded.

The movie was a French film with subtitles, called L’Amour Vrai. The cinematography was

mesmerizing, and the plot was more serious than the comedies we normally watched. But it was
perfect.Perfectnotonlybecauseofwhatwasonthebigscreenbutbecauseofwhowasnexttome.I
laymyheadonJustin’sshoulderandthankedGodforafriendwhoalwaysknewexactlywhatIneeded.
Therewasalsoatwingeofsomethingunidentifiablerunningthroughme,agnawingfeelingthatwould
eventuallyidentifyitselfovertimeandreachitspinnacleshortlybeforeIranawayfromitall.

That wasn’t the last independent film Justin and I would watch together at the little red theater.

Thatplacebecameoursecrethangoutoverthenextcoupleofyears.Indiemoviesbecameourthing.
Going there wasn’t about being seen at the big cinema or running into people from school. It was a
place where we could both escape from reality without being watched, a place where we could be
togetherandgetlostinadifferentworldatthesametime.

Thefollowingafternoon,IlistenedfrommywindowasJustinsatonNana’sstoop,playinganew

song I’d never heard him perform before. It sounded like I Touch Myself by the Divinyls, but he’d
changedittoIStabMyself.

Gottalovethatkid.

CHAPTER4

Acoupleofweekspassed,andthingshadn’tgottenanybetterbetweenJustinandme.Ratherthantaunt
me,he’dresignedhimselftojustignoringmealtogether.

The house had four bedrooms. Since I’d turned one of them into an exercise room, Justin used the

otheroneasanofficeduringtheday.Hismuffledvoicecouldoftenbeheardfrombehindthedoorashe
madeworkcalls.Apparently,thecompanyheworkedforsoldbusinesssolutionssoftware.

JadeandIwereworkingalmosteverynightatSandy’saswellastheoccasionalafternoon.Oneday

inparticular,wewereonbreakwhenweoverheardtherestaurantowner,Salvatore,complainingthatthe
bandwhoperformedmostnightshadsuddenlyquit.Sandy’swasprobablythemostpopularspotonthe
entireislandforlivemusic.That’swhatitwasknownforevenmorethanthefood.So,thisdidn’tbode
wellforbusiness.

Jade’svoicewaslow.“IwonderifJustinwouldbeinterestedinplayinghere.”
I’d been feeling kind of sick as it was this afternoon, but the mere mention of his name made my

stomachfeelevenmoreunsettled.

“Youthinkhewouldwanttoperforminaplacelikethis?”
“Well,he’susedtobiggervenues,butit’snotlikehe’sdoinganythingelse.Hetookthesummeroff,

but I get the feeling he actually regrets it. He’s been in a horrible mood since we got here. I think he’s
itchingtoplayagain.Itmightdohimsomegoodtogetbackinthegameforabitonasmallerscale.It’s
notliketherewouldbeanypressure.Nooneknowshimouthere.”

ThethoughtofgettingtoseeJustinperformgavemegoosebumps.Ononehand,itwouldbeamazing.

Ontheother,Iknewitwouldbepainfulformetohavetoendurehimhereatnight.Hisactuallyagreeing
toitprobablywouldn’tpanout,soIvowednottoobsessoveritunlessitbecameareality.

“I’mgonnatalktoSalvatore,”Jadesaid.
Itriedtochangethesubject.“DoyouthinkyouandJustinwillgetmarried?”NotsurewhyIasked

thatquestion.I’dbeencuriousastohowserioustheywere,anditjustcameout.

Jadehesitated.“Idon’tknow.Ireallylovehim.Ihopesoifwecanworkoutourdifferences.”
“Differences?Likewhat?”
Shetookasipofherwaterthenfrowned.“Well,Justindoesn’twantkids.”
“What?Hetoldyouthat?”
“Yeah. He says he feels it’s irresponsible to bring children into the world unless you can be one-

hundredpercentsureofyourcapabilitiesasaparent.Hesayshedoesn’tfeelthathisownparentsshould
haveeverhadchildren,andhejustdoesn’tthinkit’sforhim.”

“Really…”
“Don’tgetmewrong.Idon’twantkidsanytimesoon.Mycareercomesfirstrightnow,butsomedayI

wouldliketohavethem.So,ifhedefinitelydoesn’twantkids,thenthatcouldbeaproblem.”

“He’llprobablychangehismindashegetsolder.He’sstillsoyoung.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s really bad. He won’t even have sex with me without a

condom,eventhoughI’monthepillandwe’remonogamous.Herefusestotakeeventheslightestchance
becausehe’ssofearful.He’ssuperparanoid.”

Tryingtoblockouttheimagesofthemhavingsex,Isimplysaid,“Wow.”

ItmademereallysadthatJustinfeltthatwaybecauseofhisparents.Theywereconstantlyworking

and never paid enough attention to him when we were kids. His mother was always away on business
trips. That was part of why Nana was so important to him. Truthfully, my mother shouldn’t have had a
childeither.Butherpoorparentingdidn’tstopmefromwantingtohaveachildofmyownsomeday.

Jadetookacloserlookatmyface.“Areyoufeelingalright?”
IthinkthestressofmyreunionwithJustinwasfinallycatchingupwithme.Mynerveswereshot,and

itwasallmakingmesick.

“Actually,I’vebeenfeelingillallday.Mystomachisupset,andIhaveaheadache.”
“Whydon’tyougohomeearly?I’llcoveryourshiftandletJanineknowwhat’sup.”
“Areyousure?”
“Ofcourse.”
“I’lloweyouthen.”
“Believeme,therewillcomeatimethatIgetcalledbacktoNewYork,andyou’llmakedueonthat.”
“Okay,”Isaid,gettingupandunfasteningtheblacksmocktiedaroundmyback.
Theentirewalkhome,despitemyvowingnottothinkaboutit,mythoughtsonceagainturnedtoJustin

andthefactthatJadewasgoingtotrytogethimthegigatSandy’s.IthadbeenyearssinceI’dheardhis
singingvoice.Iwonderedwhatitsoundedlikenowthatitwasdeeperandwithyearsofpractice.

Justin’s older black Range Rover was parked outside of the house. He was expecting Jade and I to

bothbeatwork.IhadtopassthroughthekitchentogetupstairstomyroomandhopedIdidn’thavetorun
intohimwithoutJadehereasabuffer.

ReliefwashedovermeasIenteredtheemptykitchen.IgrabbedawaterbottleandsomeAdvilformy

headacheandtiptoedupthestairssothatJustindidn’tnoticemehome.

The sound of heavy breathing coming from his bedroom stopped me in my tracks at the top of the

stairwell.Icouldhearsheetsrustling.Myheartbeatfaster.Hedidn’tthinkanyonewouldbehome.

OhmyGod.
Hemusthaveagirlinthere.
Shit.
HowcouldhedothattoJade?
I had to pass his room to get to mine anyway. Thank goodness Nana had this hallway carpeted.

Coveringmychestwithmyhand,Icreptslowlytowardhisdoorwhichwascrackedopen.Iclosedmy
eyesbrieflytopreparemyselfforwhatImightwitnesswhenIpeekedinside.

Nothingcouldhavepreparedmefortherealitybehindthatdoor.
Therewasnogirl.
Justin’s eyes were tightly shut as he lay back on the bed—alone. His jeans were undone, halfway

downhislegs.Hislefthandwasfirmlywrappedaroundhisenormouscockashepresseddownonhis
ballswithhisotherhand.

Holymotherof…
Swallowing the saliva building in my mouth, I watched the movement of his hand as he stroked

himselfhardinatwistingmotion.He’dgottenhimselfsoarousedthatyoucouldheartheslicksoundof
thewetnessashepumpedintohispalm.

Iknewthatwatchinghimwasabsolutelywrong.Infact,thiswasprobablythelowestthingI’dever

done.ButtherewasabsolutelynowayIcouldlookaway.No.Way.IfthisweregoingtobethereasonI
went to hell, then so be it. I’d never witnessed something so intense, never imagined that he could be
derivingsomuchpleasurealone.

Iwantedtoseehowthisended.

Ineededtoseehowitended.
Justin’smouthwasagape,thetipofhistongueslowlyslidingbackandforthacrosshisbottomlipas

ifitwereseekingoutthetasteofsomethingorsomeone.

Iwantedittobeme.
Myownbodywasshaking,myclitthrobbing.Theachetobewithhim,tojoinhimwasimmense.So

enrapturedineverymovehemade,Iwasnolongerthinkingaboutwhethermywatchinghimwasrightor
wrong.

Hypnotized.
Hewasfistingthesheetswithonehandnowwhilefuckinghispalmfaster.Witheverymovement,my

musclesclenchedtighter.Iwaswet,bewilderedatmymind’scompletesurrendertomybody.

Thelowanddeepgroansofpleasurethatcameoutofhismouthweremakingitthatmuchworse.I

knewwholeheartedlythatthis—watchinghimpleasurehimself—wasthesinglebiggestturnonIhadever
experienced.Gettingoffwasnormallysuchworkforme.Ineededmyvibratorandpornandeventhen,
sometimesitwasimpossibletorelaxenoughtoreallymakemyselfcome.Rightnow,Ihadtocrossmy
legstocontroltheneedbuildingbetweenthem.

As he licked over his bottom lip again, my own tongue tingled as I imagined what his wet mouth

would feel like against my own lips. As he pumped into his hand, I imagined that it was me wrapped
aroundhiscock.IhadneverwantedanyoneasbadlyasIwantedhiminthatmoment.

His dark golden hair was matted and messy as the back of his head pressed against the headboard.

Theclankofhisbeltbucklebecamemorepronouncedashethrusthiships,hisfistworkinghardertokeep
up.Theintensityofhisself-pleasureleftmeintotalawe.

His breathing became even more ragged as his eyes rolled back. I swallowed hard and watched,

mesmerized as streams of cum shot out from his large crown like a fountain. The grunts of pleasure
escaping him as he orgasmed were just about the sexiest sounds I’d ever heard come out of a man’s
mouth.

My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest. Watching this whole thing unfold had made me

totally lose sense of reality. I felt like I’d been experiencing every movement, every feeling right along
withhim,exceptIwasn’tallowedtocome.ItwasasifI’dseriouslylostmymindintheprocess.That
was the only thing that could possibly explain why my body decided to betray me, letting out an
involuntary sigh….moan? I wasn’t sure and couldn’t even tell you what it was except to say whatever
soundImadecausedJustintojumpback.Hisheadwhippedtowardme,andhisshockedeyesmetmine
forabriefsecondbeforeIranbackdownthestairs.

Humiliated.
Mortified.
Myheartfeltlikeitwasinmymouth.Escapingoutthefrontdooranddowntothewater,Icontinued

torunaimlesslyonthesand.Atonepoint,aboutamiledownthebeach,itbecamenecessarytostopand
catch my breath, even though I wanted to keep running. I’d gotten so wrapped up in Justin that I’d
forgottenhowsickIwasthisafternoon.ItwasallhittingmeagainasIstumbledovertotheshorelineand
vomitedintotheocean.

Icollapsedintothesandandmusthavesatthereforoveranhour.Thesunwasstartingtogodown,

and the tide was coming in. It felt like everything was closing in on me. I knew I couldn’t avoid going
homeforever.

WhatifhetoldJadewhatI’ddone?
ThatIwaswatchinghim.
OhGod.

Hewasgoingtocrucifymeforthis.
WhatexcusecouldIpossiblygivehimthatwouldexplainwhyIwashidingbehindhisdoor,watching

himejaculatelikeitwasaFourthofJulyfireworksperformance?

IdecidedthatIneededtogethomebeforeJadedid.MaybeIcouldconvincehimnottosayanything.

Brushingthesandoffmythighs,Imademywaybackovertothehouse.

My heart nearly stopped upon finding Justin standing in the kitchen, drinking out of a half-gallon of

orangejuice.Istoodsilentlybehindhimandwatchedasheputthecontainerback.

Justinturnedaroundandfinallynoticedmestandingthere.Hishairwaswet,makingitappearbrown

insteadofblond.Hemusthavetakenashowertowashawaytheawkwardnessofourencounter.Looking
painfullyhandsomeinabrowndistressedt-shirtthatfithischestlikeaglove,hejuststaredmedown.

Hereitcomes.
Ibracedmyselfforhishumiliatingwords.Myheartwasbeatingoutofmychestashejustcontinued

tolookatmeblanklywithoutsayinganything.Heslowlywalkedtowardme,andallofthemusclesinmy
bodytightened.Hewasgoingtogetinmyfaceanddoit.

Shit.
Justinstoodinchesawayfromme.Hesmelledsoeffinggood,likesoapandcologne.Icouldfeelthe

heatofhisbody,andmykneesstartedtofeelweak.Hestareddeeplyintomyeyes.Itwasn’tnecessarily
anangryglare,butitwasn’tahappyoramusedlookeither.

Afterseveralsecondsofsilence,hetookadeepbreathinandsaid,“Yousmelllikevomit.”
Just as I opened my mouth to respond, he turned around and walked away back toward the stairs

beforedisappearing.

Thatwasit?
Ismelledlikevomit?
Hewasgoingtoletthewholethinggo?OrwashejustsavingitforlaterwhenJadecamehome?I

wouldhavetowaitanxiouslytofindout.

***

Business at Sandy’s had really suffered since losing The Ruckus—their headlining band. Salvatore had
managed to fill the spot each night with mediocre local talent, but people were noticing the difference.
The place would empty out much earlier than normal, and we weren’t getting as many customers in
general.

I knew that Jade had spoken to Justin about taking on a few nights, but last I’d heard, he wasn’t

interested.So,youcouldimaginemysurprisewhenheturnedupatSandy’soneearlyFridayeveningwith
hisguitarstrapwrappedaroundhim.

Atfirst,Ididn’trealizeitwashimuntilhelookedoveratme.Butterfliesswarmedinmystomachthe

moment I noticed him standing near the door, looking like he didn’t know where to go. Since it was
unseasonably cool out, he was wearing a navy hoodie and a beanie. God, he looked sexy in that hat. It
alwaysseemedtobringouthiseyes.Really,helookedsexyinanything,buttoday,hewasparticularlyhot
becausehealsohadn’tshavedindays.

Givenhowhe’dtreatedme,myphysicalattractiontohimneverceasedtoamazeme.Itwaseasierto

focus on the physical, I suppose. Justin’s exterior, which was so different from what I remembered,
helpeddistractfromwhatIknewwasinside.Thetruthwas,asmuchasIwantedhimphysically,itstill
didn’tcomparetothelongingthatremainedformyoldfriend.Somewherehiddenbeneaththebrawnand
beauty,Iknewhewasstillinthere,andthatfrustratedme.

AsfarasIknew,Justinnevermentionedthejerk-offencountertoJade,nordidhetorturemeaboutit.

Ididn’tknowwhyhedecidedtogivemeapassonthat,butIwaseternallygrateful.

Jadehadgottencalledoutoftownforanauditionthismorning.I’dassumedthathewasgoingtogo

backwithher.

IstoppedwipingthetableI’dbeencleaningandwalkedovertohim.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Heliftedhisguitarfromaroundhisneck.“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”
“IthoughtyouwenttoNewYorkwithJade.”
“She’s not going to be gone very long. And I already committed to this...gig.” He’d said it almost

scornfully.

“Ithoughtyouwereagainstplayinghere.IoverheardyoutellingJadethatyou’dratherperformata

prisonthanalowlybeachhut.”

“Yeah.Well,Iguesssheshowedyourbosssomefootageofme,andhemademeanofferIcouldn’t

refuse.”

“Howlongwillyoubeplayinghere?”
“Idon’tknow.Afewweeks.Untilweleave.”
“You’renotstayingthewholesummer?”
“No.Thatwasnevertheplan.”
Disappointmentsetin.Ishouldhavebeenhappythathewasleavingsoon,buthearingthatnewshad

theoppositeeffectonme.

“Wow.Okay.Well…doyouneedmetoshowyouaround?”
“I’mgood,”hesaidbeforewalkingawayfromme,headingtowardthebackoftherestaurant.
Justindisappearedforatleastanhour.Hewasscheduledtoperformateight,sohehadabouttwenty

minutestogobeforeshowtime.

MycuriositygotthebestofmeasIwentinsearchofhim.Thedoortooneofthebackroomswas

crackedopen,andIcouldseehimdowningabottleofbeerandlookingstressed.Iwonderedifheever
gotnervousbeforeashow.Eventhoughheconsideredperforminghereajoke,hewasstillgoingtobe
puttinghimselfoutthere.

His eyes darted to the side, and he noticed me standing there. We just stared at each other. It was

ironic,buttheonlytimesIcouldeverfeeltheremnantsofouroldconnectionwereinfleetingmomentsof
silenteyecontact.Sometimesmomentsofsilencespoketheloudest.

I left him alone again, making my way back down the hall and into the restaurant to tend to the

customersI’dbeenignoring.

Things really started to get busy. Without Jade working tonight, we were short-staffed, and I was

havingahardtimekeepingupwiththeorders.Sandy’shadindoorandoutdoorseating.Normally,Iwould
onlybeworkingonesection,buttonightIwasgoingbackandforthbetweenthetwo.

Itwasniceout,soIknewtheywouldhaveJustinperformingoutside.Ikeptglancingovertothesmall

stagetoseeifhewasthere.Itwaspasteight,andhehadn’tmadeanappearanceyet.

Sometimeclosetoeight-thirty,IwasinthemiddleofservingalargepartyoftenwhenIfirstheardit:

the chilling sound of a soulful voice that was not familiar in the least. He gave no introduction. No
warning.Hejuststartedtosingoutthefirstfewwords,followedbythestrumofhisguitar.Thesongthat
JustinhadchosentostartwithwasacoverofAin’tNoSunshinebyBillWithers.

Theentireroomsoonquieteddown,andalleyeswereonthestunningblondmalespecimenwiththe

spotlight shining down on him. Despite the fact that I was carrying a large round tray of dirty dishes, I
couldn’tmove.Thevibrationofhisthick,smokysingingvoicehadcompletelyparalyzedme,penetrating
mybodyandsoul.

Asidefromtheloneteardropthatfellthenighthelostitonmeduringsteakdinner,Ihadn’tshedany

moretears—untilnow.Itwasalltoomuch.Hearinghowdifferenthisvoicesounded,howhe’dtrainedit
overtheyears,wasawake-upcallastohowmuchIhadmissed.Allofthehoursofpracticethatmust
have gone into honing that beautiful voice, and I wasn’t there for any of it. The guilt, the emotions, the
realityofadecadegone…everythingstartedtopummelmeatonce.Nottomentionthesong—aboutagirl
leaving.Itprobablyhadnothingtodowithme,butinmymind,itsureashellfeltlikeitdid.

Youhadtohavetruetalenttoperformsoloacoustically.Alleyeswereonyouandnothingelse.There

were no distractions to take away from a cracked voice or any other screw ups. Justin sang the song
flawlessly.Thevibrationofhisvoicewaslikeadeepmassagetomyentirebeing.Myheartfilledwith
pride.Whetherhelikeditornot,Iwassodamnproudofhim.

Atthesametime,Ifeltarushofantsyexcitement,muchlikeateenagerseeingaboybandinconcert.

Adrenalinewaspumpingthroughme.Apartofmewantedtojustshout,“ThisismyJustin!Iknewhim
waybackwhen.”Anotherpartofmewantedtorushthestageandwrapmyarmsaroundhim.

The way his fingers worked the guitar effortlessly almost rivaled the sexiness of his voice. Women

werestartingtoleavetheirtables,throwingmoneydownathisfeet.

Jesus.
Did they think he would start undressing or something if they gave him enough? I’d just never seen

anyonethrowmoneyaroundherelikethatbefore.TheycertainlyneverthrewdollarbillsatTheRuckus.I
guessthatwasjustthetypeofeffectJustinhadonwomen.

Bythethirdsong,Ineededabreather.Retreatingtothebathroom,Isplashedwateronmyfacebefore

returningtothetablesjustintimetohearhimfinallyspeakintothemicrophoneinalowandsultryvoice.

“I’m Justin Banks from New York City. I’ll be here for the next few weeks. Thanks for coming out

tonight.”

Applause and a few whistles rang out. My focus on Justin had prevented me from tending to my

customers. A few of them were waving me down, antsy for refills, so I took their orders and made my
wayovertothebar.

Justin took a sip of beer then spoke through the mic again. “This next song is an original I recently

wrote myself. Hope you like it.” He strummed the guitar once and added, “It’s called, She Likes to
Watch.”

Mybodystilleduponhearingthetitle,andittookafewsecondstoregister.
“Thissonggoesouttoallthesneakylittlevoyeursoutthere.Youknowwhoyouare.”
TheretaliationthatI’dassumedhe’dwaivedwasinfactsimplydelayedandabouttobedishedoutin

allitsglory.Irefusedtolookovertowardthestage.Thebartenderplacedthedrinksinfrontofme,andI
forced my wobbly legs to move long enough to drop them off to their rightful owners before the song
started.

Shepretendstobeagoodgirl,

Quietandrefined.

ButDaddyalwayssaid,

Thosearetheworstkind.

Turnsouthewasright.

AsIfoundouttheothernight...

Shelikestowatch.

Mmmhmm…shelikestowatch.

Youthinkyouarealone,

Untilyouhearthatlittlemoan.

Shelikestowatch.

Mmmhmm…shelikestowatch.

She’llcatchyounakedandexposed,

Whenyouthinkthedoorisclosed.

She’saprincessandavoyeur,

Curiositywilldestroyher.

Maybetherapywillhealya,

It’snottoolateforyou,Amelia.

Shelikestowatch.

Mmmhmm…shelikestowatch.

Andmykinkylittlefriend,

Insistsonstayingtilltheend.

Shelikestowatch.

Mmmhmm…shelikestowatch.

Whenthesongeventuallyended,thecrowdwentwild.Theyapparentlylovedtheideabehindit.Did

hereallyhavetoputmynameinthere?Apartofmewasmortified,butIhadtoadmit,therewasanother
partofmethatwas…relieved.Hiswritingthesongwasalittlereminderofthewaythingsusedtobe.

When I finally garnered the courage to look over at him, he flashed a mischievous smile before

moving right into the next song. I’m sure he could tell by the look on my face that he’d successfully
managedtoembarrassme.

Wellplayed.

***

Backatthehousethatnight,Justinretreatedtohisroomwithoutasmuchasonewordtome.Itfeltalittle
strangeknowingthatwewerealoneforthefirsttimewithoutJade.Thefeelingwasshort-livedthough.

At eleven the next morning, I was still in bed when I heard the front door open. I could hear the

muffledsoundsofJadeandJustin’svoicesasshejoinedhimintheirbedroom.Shemusthaveleftthecity
reallyearlyinthemorningtocomebackhere.

As much as I really liked Jade, something was unsettling about her return. There was always an

underlyingjealousythatIcouldn’thelpfeeling.Whenthebedstartedcreaking,nauseasetin.

Damn.
Shewashomeallofthreeminutesbeforepouncingonhim.Icouldn’tsayIblamedheronebit,butI

reallydidn’twanttohearit.Icoveredmyheadwithmypillow,shutmyeyesandremindedmyselfthat
theywouldbothbegoneinafewweeks.

Threeweeks.
Around noon, I threw on a terry cloth sundress before joining Justin and Jade downstairs. The sun

pouringintothekitchenwasblinding.

Justinsmirkedandliftedthecarafe.“Coffee?”
Iflashedanexaggeratedsmile.“Youknowwhat?Yes.Iwouldlovesome.”
Determined to continue my façade about loving Justin’s coffee, I refused to back down. Sadly, my

bodywasbecomingaccustomedtotheunusuallyhighlevelofcaffeine.TheonemorningI’dskippedit,
theregularcoffeehadn’tdonethetrick.IwasbecomingaddictedtoJustin’scoffeefusion,andthatreally
sucked.

“So,howwasSandy’slastnight?Didmybabyrockthehouse?”
“Hewasamazing.Everyonelovedhim.”
Justin’seyesmetmineforabriefmoment.IwantedhimtoknowthatIsincerelymeantthat.
Hebrusheditoff.“Itwasfine.It’llgivemesomethingtodotopassthetimehere.”
“Whatdidyouplay?”
“Itriedoutanewsong.”
Iswallowed.
“Theoneyouplayedformetheothernight?”sheasked.
“No.Adifferentone.”
ItdawnedonmethatJustinprobablychosetoperformSheLikesToWatchlastnightinparticularonly

becauseJadewasn’tthere.Itstillbaffledmethathewaskeepingthewholeincidenttohimselfwhenhe
couldhavejusttoldherandembarrassedtheshitoutofme.

Hesmiledatme.“Wantarefill,Amelia?”
Ismiledbigger.“Don’tmindifIdo.Thisstuffisreallygrowingonme.Quiteasurprise.”
“Well,Iknowyoulovesurprises.”
Irolledmyeyesathim.Thankfully,Jadehadnowayofknowingwhathewasreferringto.
Hisservingmecoffeecontinuedtobearunningjoke.HethoughtIwasdrinkingthemudtospitehim.

Thejokewasonhim.Hedidn’trealizeIwasbecomingaddictedtoitandactuallytrulywantedit.The
morningcoffeeexchangewastheonlyrealopportunityfornormalcommunicationwithhimanyway,soI
tookwhatIcouldget.

Jade raked her fingers through Justin’s messy morning hair. “I noticed Olivia commented on your

Instagrampostlastnight.”

Lookingupset,hemovedJade’shandoffofhim.“Jade…don’t.”
Ihadtoask.“Who’sOlivia?”
“Justin’s ex. She works in the music industry and is really annoying. She comments on all his stuff,

eventhoughsheknowshehasagirlfriend.Sodisrespectful.”

“Ican’thelpthatshecommentsonmyshit,”hegrowled.
Iwassurethereweremanyformergirlfriends.
Olivia.
Huh.
WasIseriouslyjealousofsomeoneelsenow,too,whenIhadnorighttobejealousatall?Thatwas

prettypathetic.Myjealousywhenitcametohimwascertainlynothingnew.

Myinabilitytohandlethesefeelingswasabigfactorinmymovingawayandultimatelychangedthe

courseofourlives.

***

TenYearsEarlier

“Idon’tlikeitwhentheystartplayingthesegames.”

Justinwhisperedinmyear,“Wedon’thavetostayhereifyoudon’twantto,Patch.”Hishotbreath

causedashivertorundownmyspine.

“It’sokay,”Isaid.
“Yousure?”
“Yeah.”
AgroupofkidsfromschoolwerehangingoutinBrianBosley’sbasement.Fromtimetotime,Brian

wouldsuggestthatweallstartplayingTruthorSpin.ItwasacombinationofTruthorDareandSpin
the Bottle. Brian would select the “victims” as he called them. He would ask a question, and if the
person pleaded the fifth, refusing to answer, Brian would spin the green Heineken bottle. The victim
wouldthenhavetokisswhomeverthebottlepointedtoward.Thekissneededtolastafullminute;that
wastherule.

Itwasfuntowatchaslongasneitherofusgotcalledupon.Partofthedealingettinginvitedback

to Brian’s was to play along with his games. Somehow, neither Justin nor I had ever gotten picked
upontoparticipatethelastcoupleoftimeswecamehere.

“Banks.”
MyheartdroppedwhenIheardJustin’sname.
“Yeah?”
“You’reup.”
“Shit,”Justinmutteredunderhisbreath.
HeflashedmeaworriedlookbeforeBrianposedthequestion.
“Question.Doyou,ordoyounotsecretlywanttoboneAmelia?”
Mybestfriend’sfaceturnedred.Idon’tthinkIhadeverseenitthatcolorbefore.Myheartwas

pounding.Icouldn’tbelieveBrianaskedhimthat,andIwastrulyscaredoftheanswer,whicheverway
itwent.

Heshookhishead.“Pass.”
BriansoundedsurprisedatJustin’srefusal.“Pass?Areyousure?”
“Pass.”
“Alright, then.” Brian wasted no time bending down to spin the bottle. The glass spun around,

scrapingacrossthelaminatebasementfloorbeforecomingtoastop.

“Oh!You’renot-so-luckyvictimis…Sophie!”
Justinlookedatme.Theworryinhiseyeswastangible,butheknewhehadtogothroughwithit.
“Oneminute,”Brianreminded.
Sophie, who’d been sitting on the ground, slithered toward him. I watched, devastated, as Justin

pressedhislipsintohers.Sheopenedhermouthwideandwrappedherhandsaroundthebackofhis
head,pullinghimharderintoherandpracticallyeatinghisface.Ialwaysknewshelikedhim.

It felt like my heart was slowly breaking with every second that passed. That was the longest

minuteofmylife.Itwasthefirsttimethejealousymonsterhadreareditsuglyheadtothatextent.It
wasalsothefirstrealizationofhowstrongmyfeelingsforhimreallywere.

Whentheminutewasup,Justinwipedhislipswiththebackofhishandandcamebackovertome.

Iwouldn’tevenlookathim.IknewIshouldn’thavebeenmad,butmyfeelingswereoutofmycontrol.

“Areyouokay?”heasked.
Icontinuedtolookdownatmyshoes.“Let’sjustgo.”
Hefollowedme.“Patch…it’sjustagame.”
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.”
Westartedthequietandawkwardwalkhome.Istoppedsuddenlyinthemiddleofthesidewalkand

turnedtohim.“Whydidn’tyoujustanswerthequestion?”

Hejustlookedatmeforthelongesttimebeforeadmitting,“Ididn’tknowwhattosay.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“If I said no, your feelings would have been hurt. If I said yes…then things would be weird

betweenus.AndIdon’twantthat.Ever.”

“Wassheyourfirstkiss?”
Hehesitated,lookingupatthedarksky,thenwhispered,“No.”
Ishookmyheadandstartedtowalkaheadofhim.ItfeltlikeIdidn’tknowhimanymore.
“Patch,comeon.Don’tdothis.”
Tearsstartedfalling.Iwascrying,andIcouldn’tevenpinpointexactlywhy.Thatwasthefirsttime

IrealizedthatI’dfalleninlovewithhim.IlovedJustin.Morethanafriend,morethananything.Iwas
somadatmyself.

Mybiggestfearwaslosinghim.Ithitmethatitwasgoingtohappensomeday.
Maybeitwasalreadyhappening.

CHAPTER5

Aweeklater,andJustinhadpracticallybecomealocalstarinNewportovernight.ThecrowdatSandy’s
was nearly double what it had been before he became the nightly entertainment. Of course, the newest
patronswereprimarilyyoungwomenwhohadheardaboutthehotnewheadliningguitarist.

Onelateafternoon,JadeandIwerejustheadedoutthedoortoworkwhenhercellphonerang.“Shit.

Holdup.It’smyagent,”shesaid.

Iwaitedinthedoorwayforhertotakethecall.
Afterafewseconds,herhandsstartedtrembling.“You’rekidding.You’rekidding!”Jumpingupand

down,shecoveredhermouth.“OhmyGod.OhmyGod!Yes,ofcourse,Ican.”Finally,shejustletouta
yelpofexcitement.“Thankyou,Andy.Thankyouforlettingmeknow!OhmyGod.So,what’snext?Okay.
Okay.I’llcallyoutonight,”shesaidbeforehangingup.

“What’sgoingon?”
Jade let out a scream of joy and pulled me into a hug, her boney frame pressing against my ample

chest.

“IgotthepartofunderstudyforaprettybigroleinThePhenomenals…onBroadway!Itwasoneof

thetwoauditionsIhadlastweek.Ihadthoughtitwasalongshot.Myagentwasn’tevengoingtosendme
initially!”Whensheletoutanotherloudsqueal,Justincamedownstairs.

“Whatthehellisgoingondownhere?”
Sherantowardhimandthrewherselfintohisarms.“Baby!IgotunderstudyfortheroleofVeronica

inThePhenomenals!”

“Are you kidding? Holy shit. That’s fucking awesome!” He lifted her up in the air and spun her

around.

Feelingawkwardandlikeathirdwheel,Iclearedmythroatandsaid,“Congratulations,Jade.I’mso

happyforyou!”

Justinfinallyputherdown.“Whendoesthisallgodown?”
“TheywantmeinNewYorkinacoupleofdays.”
Helookedfrazzled.“Aw,shit.Alright…um…IwishIhadn’tcommittedtothatgigatSandy’s.Iwould

havejustgonebackwithyou.”

“It’sokay.It’sonlyacouplemoreweeksthatyoupromisedhim,right?It’llgobyfast.”
“Yeah.”
Jadesmiled.“BenicetoAmelia.”

***

FromthemomentJadeleft,Justinmadeevenmoreofanefforttostayinhisroomduringthedayandalso
ignoredmeattherestaurant.HeneverperformedSheLikesToWatchagain.

AsidefrommyintentionallyjoininghiminthekitchenwhenIknewhewashavinghiscoffee,there

wasnootherinteraction.ItseemedthatJade’sdeparturewascausingevenmoredistancebetweenus.It
wentonlikethatforafewdaysuntiltheoneafternoonthateverythingchanged.

I’d just gotten home from an afternoon shift at Sandy’s when what sounded like wretched hurling

coming from upstairs caught my attention. Without thinking it through, I ran up the steps to find Justin
keeledoverwithhisfaceinsidethetoilet.

“OhmyGod,areyouthrowingup?”
“Nah.I’mgivingcunnilingustothetoilet.Whatthefuckdoyouthink?”
“Didyoueatsomethingbad?”
Heshookhisheadbeforeanothervolcanoofpukeeruptedwithinhim.Lookingaway,Ishutmyeyes

untilhewasfinished.

“CanIgetyouany—”
“Justgo,Amelia.”Heflushedthetoilet.
There was something about a person being sick and helpless that made you see the child in them.

DespiteJustin’stryingtoacttough,heseemedvirtuallyhelplessinthatmoment.

“AreyousureIcan’tgetyou—”
“Leave!”Mybodyshookashescreamed.
Asanotherroundofvomitingcommenced,Ireluctantlywentbackdownstairs.
After several minutes, I could hear him returning to his bedroom. I stayed downstairs for about an

hour.Thingswereunusuallyquiet.Onanormalday,he’dbemovingaroundinhisroom,soIknewhe’d
either fallen asleep or was lying down. Being the paranoid person that I was, I started to imagine that
maybe he’d passed out from dehydration. He hadn’t come down to get a drink of water. Given all that
he’dthrownup,thatwasdangerous.

Isuckeditupandmarchedupthestairs.Lightlyknockingonhisdoor,Ididn’tbothertowaitforhim

torespondbeforeentering.“Justin?”

Hewaslyingonhisside,hisheadagainstthepillow,andhiseyeswereopen.Hejuststaredatme

blankly,buthiseyesseemedglassy.

“Areyouokay?”
“No.”
Withoutseekingpermission,Iapproachedandplacedmyhandonhisforehead.Itfelthottothetouch.

“You’reburningup.Weneedtotakeyourtemperature.”

I ran to the bathroom and fished through the medicine cabinet for a thermometer before returning to

Justin.

“Putthisinyourmouth.”
Hechuckled.“That’snormallymyline.”
Rollingmyeyes,Idemanded,“Justdoit.”Iwasslightlyrelievedthathewasactuallyjokingaround

withme.

Amazingly,hedidn’tfightmeontakinghistemperature.Thethermometerbeeped,anditshowedthat

hehadasignificantfever.

“It’sone-hundredandtwopointfive.Wereyousupposedtoplaytonight?”
“Mmmhmm,”hemoaned.
“I’mcallingSalvatore,tellinghimyoucan’tmakeit.”
“Don’t.ImightseehowIfeelinanhour.”
“Thereisnowayyouaregoingtobeabletoperformlikethis.”
“I’llcallhiminanhour,”heinsisted.
Justin’sphonebuzzed,andhereachedovertocheckitbeforeplacingitbackonthenightstand.
“WasthatJade?”
“Yeah.”
“Doessheknowyou’resick?”

“Yes.”
“Doesshehaverehearsalstonight?”
“No.”
“Isshecoming?”
“No.WhywouldshecomeallthewayherebecauseIhaveafever?”
Ididn’thaveananswer.Ijustknewthatifmyboyfriendwerethissick,Iwouldwanttobewithhim.

Maybehe’ddownplayedit.

“WhatcanIgetyou?”
“Nothing.Privacy.That’swhatyoucangetme.”
“I’mgettingyousomethingtodrink.Idon’tcarewhatyousay.You’llgetdehydrated.”
“Makeitastiffoneifyou’regonnacontinueplayingnurse,”heyelledafterme.
Iwentdownstairsandreturnedwithabottleofwaterandasmalltowel.
HandinghimthebottleandtwoTylenol,Isaid,“Here.Drinkup.”Justinswallowedthepillsandtook

asipbeforeeyeingthewashcloth.

“Whatthehellareyougoingtodowiththatthing?”
“It’sawetcloth.”Iplaceditonhisforehead.“Itwillbringdownthefever.”
Hemovedmyhandoffofhim.“Icantakecareofmyself,Amelia.”
Ignoringhiscomment,Isimplysaid,“I’llcallSalvatore.Getsomesleep.”
Afteranotherboutofvomiting,Justinturnedinforthenight.EventhoughI’dleftsomeextrawaters

withhim,Iworriedthatmaybehewasn’tdrinkinganything.So,Idecidedtocheckinonhimonemore
timebeforeIwenttosleep.

Hewasawakeandsittinguponthebedandlookedreallypale.
“Howareyoufeeling?”
“Likeshit.”
“Weshouldtakeyourtemperatureagain.”
ThistimewhenIpulledthethermometeroutofhismouth,myheartnearlystopped.“OhmyGod.It

saysone-hundredfourpointfive.Justin,that’sdangerous.Weneedtogetyoutotheemergencyroom.”

“I’mnotgoingtothehospital.”
“Thisisnotupfordebate.”
Grabbing my phone, I immediately started searching the Internet for information on adult fevers. “It

saysherethatafeveroverone-hundredandfivecanbedeadly.Youcouldgetbraindamage.”

“That’salittleextreme.Don’tyouthink?”
“Idon’tcareifit’sextreme.Youneedtogetseen.”
“I’mnotgoing.”
“ThenI’llstayhereallnightuntilyouagreetogo.”
“Emergencyroomsskeevemeout.”
“Wouldyouratherbedead?”
“Hmm.It’satoss-upbetweenthatandbeingstuckinthisroomwithyouyellinginmyear.”
“That’srealnice.”
“Whyareyouinvolvingyourselfinthis,Amelia?”
“Idon’tcarehowyoufeelaboutme,alright?Icareaboutyou.Ialwayshave,andIalwayswill,andI

don’twantanythingtohappentoyou.”

Afteralongpause,heclosedhiseyes,andletoutadeepbreath.“Alright.I’llfuckinggo.”
“Thankyou.”
Justin was shivering during the dark ride to Newport Hospital. Before we left the house, I’d texted

Jadeandpromisedtokeepherupdatedthroughoutthenight.

Whenwearrived,weluckedoutthattheemergencyroomwasprettyquiet.TheytookJustinrightinto

oneofthesmallcurtained-offtreatmentareasintheback.Noone—includingJustin—protestedmygoing
backtherewithhim.

TheyhookedhimuptoanIVandgavehimMotrin.Overthecourseofanhour,theyalsoranabattery

ofbloodtests.

Anewdoctorwhohadjustcomeonshiftenteredtheroom.
“HowareyoufeelingMr.Banks?”
“Likecrap.”Justinsquintedhiseyestogetacloserlookatthedoctor’shospitalI.D.“Isyourname

seriouslyDr.Danger?”

Thedoctorrolledhiseyes.“It’sactuallypronouncedlikehanger.Dan-ger.”
“Dotheyknowwhat’sgoingonwithhim,Doc?”
Heheldouthishand.“CallmeWill.Please.”
Itookit.“Amelia…”
Hesmiled,sortofgivingmeaflirtatiousvibe.“Well,wethinkit’sacombinationofthingsgoingon

here. An unidentifiable bacterial infection that caused a high fever and vomiting in addition to
dehydration. We’ve ruled out more serious issues.” He looked at Justin. “You’re very lucky your
girlfriendbroughtyouin.Feversofthatlevelcanbequitedangerousinadults.”

Justin glanced over at me briefly before he turned to Dr. Danger again. “How long am I gonna be

sick?”

“It’sprobablygoingtolastafewdays,butwe’dliketokeepyouovernightforobservationbecauseof

theseverityofyourfeverandtogetsomemorefluidsandvitaminsintoyou.”

“Ihavetosleephere?”
“Yes.We’llmoveyouintoamorecomfortableroom.”
Justinfrowned.“CanIobject?”
“I’mafraidnot.I’msureyourgirlfriendwillkeepyoucompany.”
“Oh.I’mnothisgirlfriend,”Icorrected.“HisgirlfriendisinNewYork.”
“Sister?”
“No.We’rejust…”Ihesitated.Whatwerewe?“Wewerefriendsyearsago.Nowwelivetogetherin

ahousewebothinherited.”

Dr.Dangerlookedutterlyconfusedthenasked,“You’renotdatingeachotherthen?”
“No,”Justinwasquicktoanswer.
“No,”Irepeated.
“Doyoulivelocally,Amelia?”
“Yes.Iliveabouttenminutesdowntheroad.”
“I’veactuallyjustmovedherefromPennsylvania.Perhaps,you’dliketoshowmearoundtheisland

sometime?”

He’d really caught me off guard. Dr. Danger—Will—was definitely attractive in a clean-cut semi-

olderway.Withhisdarkhairandlargebrowneyes,hewashandsomeenough.Icouldn’tsaymybodyhad
anywherenearthereactiontohimthatitdidforJustin.Butmaybeitwouldbegoodtoaccepthisoffer.

“Sure.Thatwouldbenice.”
“Great.” He fished inside the pocket of his white jacket for his phone. “Give me your number? I’ll

programithere.”

JustinlookedmiffedasIrecitedmydigits.
“Thenursewillbebackintocheckonhimsoon.I’llcallyou.”Hewinked.

“Okay.”Ismiled,offeringasmallwave.
AfterWilllefttheroom,Justinlookedoveratmefromthebedandhuffed,“Whatafuckingloser.”
“Loser?Why?Becauseonlyaloserwouldbeattractedtome?”
“Whatkindofadoctorpicksupapatient’sfriendlikethatonthejob?”
“Oh,nowwe’refriends?”
Ignoringmyquestion,hesaid,“Seriously,thatwaslame.He’sacheeseball.”
“I happen to like cheeseballs, especially if they come in the form of good-looking doctors.

Cheeseballsarebetterthandownrightmeanpeople.”

“Whatever.”
Anursethencameintotellusthattheotherroomwasready.Shewalkedusintoanelevatortothe

second floor where Justin was placed in an overnight suite. Still hooked up to the IV, he finally fell
asleep.Soonafter,Ifollowedsuit,conkingoutonthecotnexttohisbed.

Aboutanhourlater,itwassometimeearlyinthemorning.Iwokeupbeforehedidandmarveledat

howeventhoughhewassosick,hewasstillhandsomeaseverwithhismattedhairandespeciallywith
his overgrown stubble. Then, Justin unexpectedly opened his eyes. When he saw me lying on the
makeshiftbednexttohim,helookedsurprised.

“Ithoughtyouwouldhavegonehome.”
“No.Icouldn’tleaveyou.”
“Youreallydidn’thavetostay.”
“Itwasfine.Iwouldhavebeenworried.”
Hedidn’trespond,butthelookonhisfacesoftened.
Thenursewalkedinandcheckedhisvitalsandtemperature.“Yourfeverisstillhigh…one-hundred

twopointfive…butatleastit’srespondingtothemedicineandgoingintherightdirection.I’mgoingto
checkwiththedoctoroncallaboutyourbeingdischarged.”

“ThankGod,”Justinmuttered.

***

Whenwearrivedbacktothebeachhouse,Justinsettledintohisbedonceagain.Thankfully,thevomiting
partoftheillnessseemedtohavepassed,eventhoughthefeverhadn’t.Jadewouldtextfromtimetotime,
andIwouldcontinuetogiveherupdates.

Thenursehadsaiditwasimportantforhimtoeatsomethingandstayhydrated,soIboiledhimsome

chickenbrothandbroughtitupstairs.Hewassleeping,andIdidn’twanttowakehim,soIoptedtotakeit
back downstairs until he woke up. He must have heard the mug moving against the saucer because as I
washeadingbackoutthedoor,hisvoicestoppedme.

“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Imadeyousomebroth.Thenursesaidyouneedtoeat.”
Returningtohisbedside,Ihandedittohimashescootedupagainsttheheadboardandbegantosipit.

IturnedaroundtoheadoutthedooragainwhenIfelthishandgrabmyarm.

“Youdon’thavetoleave.”
“I’lljustcomebackforthemug.”
AsIheadedoutthedoor,hisvoicestoppedmeagain.“Patch.”
Mybodyfroze.Hiscallingmebytheoldnicknamehadtotallystunnedme.IneverthoughtI’dhearit

again.

“Turnaround,”hesaid.

WhenIdid,hisfacereflectedasinceritythatIhadn’tseeninyears.
Heplacedthemugandsauceronthetableandsaid,“Thankyou…foreverything.Thankyoufortaking

careofme.”

So caught off guard and overcome with emotion, I simply nodded once and continued out the door,

unabletostopthinkingabouthiswordsfortherestofthenight.

***

Two days later, Justin’s fever had finally broken, but he still wasn’t feeling up to performing. I was
watching television downstairs when he sat down on the couch next to me. He put his legs up on the
ottomanandcrossedhisarms.Itwasthefirsttimehe’deverchosentohangoutinthelivingroomwhenI
waslounging.

He’djustshoweredandsmelledlikeaftershave.Mybodyimmediatelyreactedtotheclosenessofhis

legstomineeventhoughweweren’ttouching.

Iwishedheweremine.
Wheredidthatthoughtcomefrom?
“What’sthiscrapyou’rewatching?”
“Somerealityshow.Icanchangeitifyouwant.”
“No.Iinvadedyourspace.”
“I’mjustgladyou’refeelingbetter.”
“Metoo.”
Throwingthecontrollerathim,Isaid,“Seriously,taketheremote.”
Hehandeditbacktome.“Nah.Ioweyou.YouputupwithmyshitwhenIwassickandwhiny.The

leastIcandoissitthroughlisteningtothesewhinybitches.”

“Well,ifyoureallywanttothankmefornursingyoubacktohealth,thereissomethingelseyoucan

do.”

Heliftedhisbrowcuriously.“Alright…”
God,Ijustrealizedhowthatsounded.
“Youcantalktome.”
“Talk?”
“Yes.”
He let out a deep sigh. “I really don’t want to open up an old can of worms. We both know what

happened.It’snotgonnachangeanything.”

Notbeyondbegging,Ilookedintohiseyes.“Please?”
Hesuddenlygotup.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“Ineedadrinkforthis,”hesaid,walkingtowardthekitchen.
“Canyougetmeone,too?”Iholleredafterhim.Myheartbeatbegantoaccelerateinpreparation.Was

thisreallyhappening?Washegoingtotalkaboutwhathappenedorjustlistentomeramble?

Hereturnedwithabottleofbeerforhimselfandaglassofwhitewineforme.Itsurprisedmethathe

knewexactlywhatIwanted,eventhoughIhadn’tspecified.Itprovedthathe’dbeenobservantevenwhen
pretendingtoignoreme.

Hetookalongsipthenplacedhisbeeronthecoffeetable.“Wehavetosetsomerules.”
“Alright.”
“Rulenumberone,ifIsaywe’redonetalking,we’redonetalking.”

“Okay.”
“Rule number two…after tonight, we don’t talk about shit that happened in the past. This is it. One

nightonly.”

“Okay.Icanhandlethat.”
Grabbingthebottleagain,hedownedhalfofthebeerbeforeslammingitdownonthetable.“Alright.

Go.”

WherewouldIbegin?
Ijustneededtothrowitalloutthere.
“ThereisnoexcuseformyleavingthewayIdid.Iwasyoungandstupidandscared.Mybiggestfear

had always been getting hurt by you, because you were the one person I could count on besides Nana.
When I found out you knew what was happening behind my back…I took it as betrayal. At the time, I
didn’trealizethatyouwerejusttryingtoprotectme.”

***

NineYearsEarlier

Mom was out per usual, so I would be sneaking out with Justin to go to the little red theater. This
week,theywereplayinganItalianfilmcalledSiViveUnaVoltaSolathatIhadbeenwantingtosee.

Ashealwaysdid,Justinmetmeatthecorner.
“We’dbetterhurryup,”hesaid.“Wedon’twanttomissthenineo’clockshow.”
“We’regoodontime.Relax.”
WestartedthewalktothebusstopwhenIrealizedIdidn’thavemybuspass.Itwasinsideofa

hoodiethatIknewI’dleftinsideJustin’shousewhenweweredoinghomeworktheotherday.

“Shoot.Weneedtogoinsideyourhouse.MybuspassisinthepocketofmyjacketthatIleftin

yourdiningroom.”

Hewavedhishanddismissively.“I’lljustpayforyou.”
“No,Justin.That’sstupid.Westillhaveplentyoftime.”
Istartedwalkingbacktowardhishouse.
Hegrabbedmyarm.“Stop.Ihaveitcovered.”
“I’mgoinginside.”
Anuncharacteristicallypanickedlookflashedacrosshisface.“Wecan’t.”
“Why?”
Aswasusualeveryotherweek,hismother,Carol,wasonanoutoftownbusinesstrip.Icouldn’t

understandwhyhewassoinsistentthatwenotgoinsidehishouse.

Helookedlikehewasstrugglingtocomeupwithanexcuse.Hiseyesmovedfromsidetoside,and

myinstinctjusttoldmesomethingwasoff.

“Whatareyoukeepingfromme?”
“Nothing.Wejustcan’tgointhererightnow.”
“I don’t understand. Your father’s car is outside. He’s home. Why can’t I just run in and get my

jacket?”

“My father would get mad if he knew I was going out with you. I told him I was going out with

Rob.”

“Idon’tbelievethat.Yourfatherknowswehangout.He’scoolwithit.”
“Notatnight.”
“You’relying.”
“Patch,willyoujusttrustme?”
I suddenly ran toward the front door and knocked frantically. There was no answer for almost a

fullminutebeforeEltonBanksfinallyansweredthedoor.

“Hi.JustinandIwereheadingtothemovies,butIneedmybuspass.It’sinmyjacketthatIleftin

yourdiningroom.Ijustneedtocomeinandgetit.”

Justin’sdadlookedoverathimworriedly.Meanwhile,Justin’sfacewaspracticallywhite.
WhenMr.Bankshesitatedtoletmein,Ipushedmywaypasthim.“Ijustneedmyjacket.”After

enteringthediningroom,Ispottedmysweatshirthangingonthechair.Somethingelsecaughtmyeye:
mymother’sfauxfurcoat.

Whatwasshedoinghere?
Itdidn’ttakemelongtofigureitout.Stormingupstairs,IknewexactlywhereIwasgoingtofind

her. I burst through Justin’s parents’ bedroom to find my mother frantically trying to put on her

clothes.

Coveringmymouthwithmyhand,Ishookmyheadindisbeliefbeforerunningbackdownthestairs

andoutthefrontdoor.

Justinranafterme.“Patch,wait.Please!”
Iturnedaroundandspewed,“Youknewaboutthis?”YouKNEWthatmymotherwasheremessing

aroundwithyourfather?Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?”

“Ididn’tknowhowtotellyou.”
“Ican’tbelievethis!”
“I’msorry,Patch.I’msosorry.”
Iranbackintomyhouseandslammedthedoor,unsureofwhathurtmore:mymother’sactionsor

Justin’skeepingitallfromme.

CHAPTER6

Thehurtinhiseyeswaspalpable.JustinleanedhisheadbackagainstthecouchasIstruggledtofindthe
words.

“Itwaswrongofmetotakemyangeroutonyou.Mymotherwasbasicallyanirresponsiblechild,a

selfishperson.She’dhadsomanydifferentboyfriends,affairswithmarriedmen.Itneverreallysurprised
methatshewouldstooptothatlevelwithyourfather.Atthetime,though,Ijustfeltbetrayedbyeveryone,
includingyou.ButIwaswrongtopunishyouinanywayfortheiractions.”

Herubbedhiseyeswarilyandturnedtome.“Whatdoyouwanttoknow,Amelia?”
“Howdiditstart?Howlongdidyouknowaboutthem?”
Heturnedhisbodytowardmeandwrappedhisarmaroundthebackofthecouch.“I’mprettysuremy

fatherwastheonewhopursuedher.HeusedtoalwaysaskmequestionsaboutPatriciabeforetheygot
together.”

“Really?”
“WhatIknownowthatIdidn’tknowthenwasthatmyparentshadanopenmarriage.Mymotherwent

onwaytoomanybusinesstrips,ifyouknowwhatImean.Atthetime,though,Ihadn’tfigureditallout
yet.Icamehomefromschoolunexpectedlyearlyonedayandfoundyourmothertherewithhim.Iwalked
inonthemhavingsex.”

Ishuddered.“OhmyGod.”
Justingrabbedhisbeerandtookalongswig.“Myfathersatmedownlaterthatnightandexplainedto

me that he believed my mother had been having an affair too, and that he and Patricia had just started
seeingeachother.Yourmothermademeswearnottotellyou.Shesaidyouwouldn’tbeabletohandleit,
thatyourrelationshipwithherwasalreadytarnishedenoughandthatyouwereunderalotofstressthatI
didn’t know about. She somehow convinced me that telling you would ruin your life. She told me if I
reallycaredaboutyou,Iwouldn’ttellyou.Ibelievedwhatshetoldme.”

“There was nothing I ever kept from you, Justin. There was nothing going on with me. She was

manipulatingyoutokeepheranticsasecretfromme.”

“Iwantedtotellyou,butthemoretimethatpassed,theharderitwastoadmitthatI’dbeenkeeping

somethingfromyouforsolong.So,Ichosenottosayanything.Iwasonlytryingtoprotectyou.”

“Justin,I—”
“Letmefinish,”heinterrupted.
“Okay.”
“We both came from broken homes, but from the moment I met you, my world seemed a little less

broken. I always felt like my job was to somehow protect you. And my keeping what they were doing
fromyouwasonlyanextensionofthat.Itwasn’tmeanttobedeceptive.”

Igetitnow.
There was so much I was embarrassed to admit in regards to my feelings all those years ago, but I

couldn’tholdanythingback.Hewasgivingmethisonechancetoexplainmyself.Takingalonggulpof
mywine,Ipreparedtolayitalloutontheline.

“I ran away because I couldn’t handle my emotions. It was more than just your keeping that secret

fromme.Itwaswhatitrepresentedtome,thattherewouldbeotherthingsinthefuturethatyouwould

keep from me, too.” I paused. Just say it. “I was developing really strong feelings for you that went
beyond our friendship, and I found myself unable to handle them. I didn’t know how to tell you. I was
afraidtoscareyouaway.ItjustfeltlikeIwassomehowdestinedtogethurt,soIchosetomoveaway
beforethathappened.Itwasmyownwayofcontrollingit.Itwasrashandfoolish.”

ThatwasthefirsttimeIhadeveradmittedtohavingfeelingsbeyondfriendshipforhim.
Hejustlookedatmeforabitthensaid,“Whydidn’tyoutellmehowyoufelt,evenbeforeeverything

wentdownwithourparents?”

“Ididn’tthinkyoufeltthesamewayaboutme,andIdidn’twanttofreakyouout.Ididn’twanttolose

you.”

“So,youranawayandlostmeanyway.Howdidthatmakesense?”
“ItsomehowfeltlikeifIleftbeforetheworsthappened,itwouldn’thurtasbadly.Thebottomline,

though,isthatIwasadumb,hormonal,fifteen-year-oldgirl.Itwasthewrongdecision.Runningawayto
livewithmyfatherwasabadwayofhandlingit.Younevergavemethetimeofdaytotellyouhowsorry
IwasonceIcametomysensesthatfollowingyear.So,Ineedtosayitnow.Iamsosorryifmyleaving
likethathurtyouinanyway.”

“Hurtme?”Heletoutaslightangrylaughthenshockedmewithwhathesaidnext.“Itchangedme.I

lovedyou,Amelia.Iwasinlovewithyou.”Justinranhisfingersthroughhishairinfrustration.“Howthe
fuckdidyounotknowthat?”

Hiswordsfeltlikethey’dslicedthroughmyheart,leavingmeunabletorespond.Ineverinamillion

yearsexpectedhimtosaythat.Iknewhecaredaboutme,butIneverknewhehadlovedmelikeIloved
him.

Hehadlovedme?
He continued, “I would have died for you back then. When you left, it felt like my world ended.

Besides your grandmother, you were the only one I could count on. You were always there…until you
weren’tanymore.Losingyoutaughtmenottocountonanyonebutmyself.ItshapedwhoamItoday…and
that’snotnecessarilyagoodthing.”

Ithurtsobadlytohearhimsaythat.“I’msorry.”
“Youdon’tneedtoapologizeagain;youalreadydid.”
“Ifyoudon’tforgiveme,thenIdoneedtokeeprepeatingit.”
Heletoutalong,deepbreath.“LikeI’vesaidtoyoubefore,I’vemovedonfromit.”
Ididn’twanthimtomoveon.Iwantedtogobackwards,backintimeandhughim.Neverlethimgo.
Stillreelingfromhisadmission,Idugmynailsintothebackofthecouchandsaid,“Idon’twantusto

bevirtualstrangers.Youstillmeansomuchtome.Thefactthatyou’reangryatmewon’tchangethat.”

“Whatdoyouwantfromme?”
“Iwantustotrytobefriendsagain.Iwantustobeabletositinthesameroomandtalktoeachother,

maybehaveafewlaughs.We’regonnaalwaysownthishousetogetherinanycase.Someday,we’llbe
bringingchildrenhere.Weneedtogetalong.”

“Iamnotgonnahavechildren,”hesaidemphatically.
ThefactthatJadehadconfidedinmeaboutJustin’snotwantingkidshadskippedmymind.
“Jadetoldme.”
“Shedid,didshe?Whatelsedidyoutalkabout?Mydicksize?Youtellheryougotagoodlookat

it?”

Ichosenottoentertainthequipandstayedwiththesubjectathand.“Whydon’tyouwantchildren,

Justin?”

“Youofallpeopleshouldunderstandthatit’sasininetobringachildintothisworldifyou’renotone-

hundred percent sure of your capabilities. My parents are a prime example of people who should have
neverprocreated.”

“You’renotyourparents.”
“No,butI’mafucked-upproductoftheirmistakes,andI’mnotgonnarepeathistory.”
Itmademeimmenselysadthathefeltthatway.Thinkingbacktohowprotectivehealwayswasofme,

IknewJustinwouldmakeanamazingfather.Hejustcouldn’tseethat.KnowingthatIhadpromisedwe
wouldn’trehashthepastbeyondtonight,anurgentneedtogetmoreoffmychestovertookme.

“Ibegtodiffer.Ithinkthatyouaresomuchstrongerasapersonbecauseyouhadtogrowupalot

quicker than kids who were coddled and handed everything easily. You’ve given to others what your
parentsneglectedtogiveyou.I’llneverforgethowyoualwaysmanagedtomakemelaughevenwhenit
seemedimpossible,howyoualwaysknewexactlywhatIneeded,howyoualwaysprotectedme.Those
arethequalitiesthatwouldmakesomeoneagoodparent.Andwhetheryouhavechildrenornot,youare
anamazinghumanbeing.Notonlythat,yourmusicaltalentcompletelyblowsmeaway.Itmakesmeso
sad to think of everything that I missed because of my stupidity and fear. I know we’ve both changed
somewhat,butIstillseeallthegoodinyouevenwhenyouaretryingsohardtohidebehindamask.”My
eyesstartedtowater,andateardropfell.“Imissyou,Justin.”Itfeltlikeeverythinghadjustcomepouring
outofmebeforeIcouldthinkabouttheconsequencesofbeingsoopenaboutmyfeelings.

Hestartledmewhenhereachedoverandswipedateardropfrommycheekwithhisthumb,prompting

metoclosemyeyes.Histouchfeltsogood.

“Ithinkwe’vetalkedenoughfortonight,”hesaid.
Nodding,Isaid,“Okay.”
Heliftedhimselfoffthecouchandturnedoffthetelevision.“Comeon.Let’sgetsomeair.”
Ifollowedhisleadoutthefrontdooranddowntothebeach.Wewalkedinsilenceforwhatseemed

like an eternity. The night was still except for the sound of the waves crashing. The ocean breeze was
calming,andasstrangeasitwas,thesilencebetweenusseemedlikeatherapeuticexerciseofsomekind.
It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted because I’d gotten to say what I wanted to. Even though
therewasn’treallyaclearconclusiontoourconflict,itwasmoreclosurethanI’deverhadwithhim.

ThesoundofJustin’sphoneinterruptedthequietofourwalk.Hepickeditup.
“Hey,babe.”
“Everythingisgood.”
“That’sgreat.Wow.It’sreallyhappening.”
“Justtakingawalk.”
Ifounditinterestingthathedidn’tmentionhewaswithme.
“Metoo.Can’twait.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
“Alright.Bye.”
Afterhehungup,Ilookedathim.“How’sJade?”
“She’sgood.She’sgoingtogettoperformtomorrownightbecausethelead’sgrandfatherdied.”
“Wow.That’samazing.Well,notthatthegrandfatherdied…”
“Yeah.Igotthat.”
Notanotherwordwasspokenuntilwestartedtoapproachthehouse.
Justinpointedtosomethinginthedistance.“Doyouseethat?”
“Where?”
ThenextthingIknewIfeltweightless.Justinhadliftedmeoffmyfeetandwasrunningtowardthe

shore.Judgingfromhislaughter,therewasnothingtopointout;he’djustbeentryingtodistractmelong

enoughtosnatchmeup.

Jerk.
He dumped my fully clothed body into the ocean. Salty water ran down my throat and up my nose.

Justin immediately ran back to the sand, leaving me to wade through the water after him. He’d planted
himselfonthesandandwasstilllaughing.He’dtakenoffhisshirtwhichhadgottenwet,andhispants
weresoaked.

“Doyoufeelbetternow?”Ihuffed.
“Alittle.”Hechuckled.“Actually…alot.”
“Well…good.I’mgladforyou,”Isaid,wringingoutmydress.
Hestoodup.“Letme.”Justinsurprisedmewhenhestoodbehindmeandtwistedmylonghairtohelp

getthewaterout.Hishandslingeredforafewseconds,causingmynipplestotingle.Iturnedaroundto
distractfromitandwasmetbyhisblueeyesstaringintomine.Theywereglowinginthereflectionofthe
lightcomingfromourhouse.Helookedheartbreakinglyhandsome.

Fumbling my words a bit, I said, “Um…thank you. Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be thanking you,

becauseyoucausedit.”

“Itwasalongtimecoming.I’dwantedtothrowyouinthewatersincethefirstdayIgothere.”
“Ohreally…”
“Yeah.Really.”Hesmiledmischievously.
“Bytheway,whyareyoustillhere?”
Hesquinted.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“YoucouldhaveeasilygonebacktoNewYorkwithJade.Youknowthat.”
“Areyouimplyingsomething?”
“I’mnotimplyinganything.Ijustknowthatyou’vebeenusingtheSandy’sgigasthereason,andIfind

thathardtobelieve.”

“Whatdoyouwanttohear,Amelia…thatI’mherebecauseofyou?”
“No…Idon’tknow.I—”
“Idon’tknowwhyI’mhere.Alright?That’sthetruth.Itjustdidn’tfeellikeitwastimetoleave.”
“Fairenough.”
“Areyoudoneinterrogatingmeforonenight…paininmyass?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “Payne in my ass” was another name he used to call me. It was a play on my last

name—Payne.

“Good.”
“Fortherecord,I’mreallygladyoustayed.”
Heshookhisheadandrubbedhiseyesthensaid,“Tryingtohateyouisexhausting.”
“So,stoptrying.”
Myteethstartedtochatter;itwasgettingchillyout.
“We’dbettergoinside,”hesaid.
Followinghimtothehouse,Icouldn’thelpthinkingthatthecoldairoutsidehadnothingonthewarm

feelinginsideofmefromhavingreconnectedwithhimtonight.

“Youhungry?”heasked.
“Starving,actually.”
“Gochange.I’llmakedinner.”
“Really?”
“Well,wegottaeat,don’twe?”
“Yeah. I guess we do. I’ll be back.” I smiled all the way to my room, giddy from the idea of him

cookingforme.

WhenIreturnedwithadryoutfit,myheartflutteredatthesightofJustinstandingatthestove.Hewas

stillshirtlessandwearinghisgraybeaniewhilefryingsomevegetablesinapan.

Iclearedmythroat.“Smellsgood.Whatareyoumaking?”
“Justateriyakistirfrywithrice…seeingasthoughyouhavealimitedpalette.Whenthehelldidyou

stopeatingredmeatanyway?Youusedtobeacarnivore.”

HemusthaverememberedhowmuchweenjoyedBurgerBarntogetherintheolddays.
“Oneday,Ijustwokeupandthoughtabouthowbizarreitwastobeeatingacow.Itmadenosense.

AndIjuststoppedcoldturkey.”

“Seriously?That’skindofridiculous.”
“Yes.”
“You’vealwaysbeenalittlebizarre,Amelia.Ican’tsaythatsurprisesme.”
Iwinked.“That’swhyyouloveme.”I’dmeantittocomeoutfacetiouslybutimmediatelyregretted

usingthe word lovegiven his prioradmission. When he didn’trespond, I panickedand diarrhea of the
mouthdeveloped.“Ididn’tmeanthatyoustillloveme.Iwasjustjoking.I—”

Heheldouthispalm.“Stopwhileyou’reahead.Iknewwhatyoumeant.”
Ipursedmylips,tryingtothinkofaquickchangeofsubject.“Doyouthinkyou’llgobacktoplaying

atSandy’stomorrownight?”

“Probably.”
“Good.I’mreallylookingforwardtohearingyouperformagain.”
Hegrabbedtwoplatesandemptiedthecontentsofthepanontoeachofthemthenslidmineacrossthe

counter.“Here.”

“Thankyou.Thissmellsdelicious.”
Thedishhe’dmadewasactuallyverytasty.He’daddedsesameseedsandwaterchestnuts.“Where

didyoulearntocooklikethis?”

“Self-taught.I’vebeencookingformyselfforyears.”
“Whereareyourparentsnow?”
“Ithoughtweweredonetalkingaboutthisstuff.”
“Sorry.You’reright.”
Despite his having said that, he looked up from his plate and answered my question anyway. “My

mothermovedbacktoCincinnatiwhenIwasincollege.Theysoldthehouse.Myfatherlivesinacondo
inProvidencenow.”

“HowlongafterIleftdidthingscontinuebetweenmymotherandhim?”
“Aboutayear.Mymotherfoundoutaboutwhattheyweredoingunderourroofandkickedhimout.

HelivedwithPatriciaforawhilebeforethingswentsourbetweenthem.”

“Hemovedinwithher?”
“Yeah.”
Icouldn’tbelieveit.
“Mymotherkeptthatfrommethen.ThatexplainswhyNanastoppedspeakingtoheraroundthattime.

Shewasmortifiedbytheiractions.”

“IspentalotoftimeovertherewithyourgrandmotherbeforeImovedaway.Shewastheonlyperson

whokeptmesane.”

“Didyouevertalkaboutmetoher?”
“Shetriedtogetmeto,butIwouldn’t.”
“Doyouthinksheleftusboththishousebecausesheknewitwouldforceustofaceeachother?”

“Ihonestlydon’tknow,Amelia.”
“Ithinkshedid.”
“Ihadnointentionofcominghereandtryingtomakeamendswithyou.”
“No…really? I didn’t catch on.” When he cracked a slight smile, I asked, “Do you still feel the

same?”

“Thingsdon’tchangeovernight.Wetalked.That’snotgonnaeraseyearsofshitthathappened.We’re

notgoingtojustbeabletomagicallybebestfriendsagain.”

“Ineverexpectedthat.”Playingwiththeremnantsofmyfood,Ithoughtlongandhardbeforespeaking

again.“I’mjustgonnasayonelastthing.AndthenIpromiseIwon’tharponitanymore.”

“Iwouldn’tputmoneyonthat.”Whenhismouthcurvedintoanothersmile,itwasenoughtogiveme

theconfidencetospillmygutsonelasttime.

“IwillprobablyspendtherestofmylifewonderingwhatwouldhavehappenedifIhadn’trunaway,

ifI’djustputmyfearasideandtoldyoueverythingIwasfeeling.Youtoldmetonightthatyouwerein
lovewithmebackthen.Itrulydidn’tknowthat,Justin,butIwishIhad.Ireallyhadnoclueyoufeltthat
way.IneedyoutoknowthatIlovedyou,too.Ijusthadareallyshittywayofshowingit.Andtothinkthat
youspentalloftheseyearshatingme.Ijustwantyoutobehappy.Ifbeingaroundmemakesyouangryor
stressed, then I don’t want to force anything, and if that’s the case, maybe it is best that we keep our
distance.Butifthere’sachancethatwecantrulybefriendsagain,Iwouldwantnothingmore.AndI’m
notstupid.Ofcourse,Iknowitwon’thappenovernight.That’sit.Iwon’tsayanythingelseaboutit.”Igot
up from the table and put my plate in the dishwasher. “Thank you for dinner and for talking to me. I’m
gonnaturninearly.”

Justasmyfoothitthefirststeptogoupstairs,hisvoicestoppedme.“Ineverhatedyou.Icouldn’t

hateyouifItried.Believeme,Ihavetried.”

Turningaroundandsmiling,Isaid,“Goodtoknow.”
“Goodnight,Payneinmyass.”
“Goodnight,Justin.”

CHAPTER7

Twodayslater,Iwashavingmymorningcoffeewhenatextnotificationlitupmyphone.ItwasfromDr.
WillDanger.

Howaboutdinnertomorrownight?

I pondered my reply. It would probably do me some good to take advantage of a distraction from

Justin.Sinceourtalktheothernight,thingshadbeenmorecordialbetweenus.Atleasthewasnolonger
avoidingme.Afterheperformedlastnight,weactuallydrovehomefromSandy’stogether.Itwasaquiet
ride,butitwasastepintherightdirection.So,thingswereasgoodastheycouldhavebeen.

Theproblemwasme.Istillcouldn’tcurbmyattractiontohimanddidn’tknowwheretodrawtheline

onmyemotions.Ithoughtabouthimeverysecondoftheday.We’dbegoingourseparatewayssoon,not
to mention the not so insignificant detail of his committed relationship with Jade. I would never do
anythingintentionallytojeopardizethat.ButIstillcouldn’tcontrolmyfeelings.

MyfingersforcedoutaresponsetoWill.

Tomorrownightsoundsgreat.Justletmeknowwhattime.

Justin’sdeepmorningvoicestartledme.“Iseeyoumadecoffeefusion.”
Ijumped,quicklyputtingdownthephone.
Hesnickered.“Oh.DidIinterruptsomething?Youtextingaboy?”
“No.”
Heglaredatmesuspiciously.“Liar.”
Anervouslaughescapedme.“Wantsomecoffee?”
“Tryingtochangethesubject?”
“Maybe.”
“So,whowasit?”
“Will.”
“Dr.Danger?”
“Yes.”
“Everheardofstrangerdanger?”
“Yes.”
“Theycreatedthattermabouthim.”
“Ohyeah?”
“I’mprettysure.Yeah.”Hepouredhimselfamugofcoffeeandturnedtomeagain.“Seriously?Dr.

Cheeseball?You’regonnagooutwithhim?”

Nodding,Isaid,“Tomorrownight.What’syourproblemwithhimanyway?”
“He’sdisrespectful.”
“Inwhatway?”
“Thatguywaseyefuckingyoubeforeheevenconfirmedweweren’ttogether.”

“Maybehe’sjustperceptive.”
“How?”
“Hesensedyourdisdaintowardme.Itwasquiteobvious.”
“Where’shetakingyou?”
“Idon’tknowyet.”
“Youshouldfindout.”
“Whatdoesitmatter?”
“Incaseyougomissing,I’llknowwheretotellthepolicetostartlooking.”

***

Evening rolled around, and I had absolutely no clue what to wear. Will said he was taking me to this
restaurantonthewaterinnearbyTiverton.Itwasgoingtobeahumidnight,soIoptedforalightweight
floraltubedressthatI’dboughtoneafternoonwhileoutshoppingwithJadeearlierthissummer.

IcouldhearJustinpantingfromdownthehall.
Notagain.
I didn’t dare go over there to assess the situation after what happened the last time I found myself

witnesstothatjerk-offjamboree.Afterseveralminutes,whatsoundedlikepunchingwasaddedintothe
mix.Ibrokemyvowtostayoutofitandmarchedoutofmyroomtocheckthingsout.

ItturnedoutthatJustinwasintheexerciseroombeatingtheshitoutofanEverlastpunchingbag.
Beads of sweat were dripping down his sculpted back. The room smelled of sweat mixed with his

cologne. His hair was drenched. He had earbuds in, and I could hear the music blasting through them.
Grittinghisteeth,hehittheblackrubbercontraptionharderandharder.Myheartbeatfasterwithevery
punch.

When I inched cautiously closer, he growled, “Get out of the way.” I flinched as his arm swung

dangerouslyclosetome.

Ibackedupbutstayedwatchinghimfromthecorneroftheroom.I’dseenhimworkingoutbeforebut

neverlikethis.Hewaslikeabeast,sostrongandvirile.ItoccurredtomethatwithJadegonesolong,he
must have been sexually frustrated. Maybe that was why he was taking it out on the punching bag.
Whateverthereason,Iwastransfixedbytheenergyhewasexpendingandfoundmyselfunabletotakemy
eyesoffhim.

Hesuddenlystopped,tookouthisearbudsandmovedovertothedoorwaywherehe’dsetupametal

barforpullups.Myeyesfollowedthemovementofhisbodyasheliftedhisownweight,hisrockhard
abstighteningandcurlingwitheachlift.

He jumped down from the bar and wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Nothingbettertodothantowatchmeworkout?Aren’tyousupposedtobegettingdressedforadate?”

“Iamdressed.”
“That’sJade’sdress,isn’tit?”
“No. It’s the same one she has, but this one is mine. We both bought these from the same shop on

clearancethesameday.”

“Itlooksnormalonher.Onyou…itlooksridiculous.”
Mystomachsank.“AreyousayingI’mfat?”
“No,butyourbodyisdifferentthanhers.Thatdresslooksobsceneonyou.”
Lookingdownatmyself,Isuddenlyfeltnaked.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Youwantmetospellitout?”

“Yes.”
Hecameupbehindme,grabbingmyshouldersandpositioningmeinfrontofthefull-lengthmirroron

thewall.Shiversrandownmyspinefromthefeelofhisroughhandsonme.

“Look. Your tits are busting out of it. Your nipples are poking out of the middle of those daisy

flowers.”

My mind was in a fog because all I could see was me in the mirror with Justin’s hot, sweaty body

behind me. Then, he flipped me around fast and his stare was burning into mine. He was too close for
comfort,andmylegsfeltliketheyweregoingtocollapseundermefromthesurgeofsexualawareness.
“Lookatyourassinthemirror.Thematerialcanbarelywraparoundit.YouthinkDr.Doolittleisgoingto
beabletolookyouintheeyeswhenyou’redressedlikethat?”

“Youreallythinkthislooksthatbad?”
Hesuddenlywalkedawayfrommeandreturnedtothepull-upbar.Mynipplesweretingling.Ijust

wantedhishandsonmeagain.

“I think it makes you look like a whore, yes,” he said before doing a few more reps in silence. He

hoppeddown,theweightofhisbodycausingalargethumpagainstthewoodfloor.“Youreallyarethat
oblivious,aren’tyou?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Youneverdidhaveanycluewhatkindofeffectyouhaveonpeople.”
“Bespecific,please.”
“Whenwewereyounger,youwouldsitonmylap,putyourhandsonme,runyourfingersthroughmy

hair, hug me all of the time with your massive tits pressed against me. I spent half of my teenage years
walkingaroundwithafuckinghardonthatIcouldn’tdoanythingabout.Theentiretimeyouapparently
hadnoclue.”

“Ididn’t.”
“Iknowthatnow.AndyouhavenoideahowmanytimesIhadtodefendyoubehindyourback.Guys

talkingaboutyourbody,sayingsexualthingsaboutyourightinfrontofmyfuckingface.Doyouhaveany
cluehowmanyfightsIgotintobecauseofyou?”

“Younevertoldme.”
“No.Ididn’t.BecauseIwastryingtoprotectyourfeelings.Itriedsohardtofuckingprotectyoufrom

shit,andthatwastheonethingthatbitmeintheassintheend.”

“I’msorry.”
Heheldhishandsup.“Youknowwhat?Nevermind.Mybad.Let’snotdothisagain.Itoldyouwe

weredonetalking.Andweare.”

“Okay.”
“I’dliketocontinuemyworkoutinpeaceifyoudon’tmind.”
“Alright.”
Backinmyroom,Icouldhearthathe’dreturnedtothepunchingbaginfullforce.Stillreelingfrom

hiswords,Icouldn’thelpbutwonderifhewasright.MaybeIwasreallyjustacluelessperson.Buthe
neverexactlyexpressedhisfeelingstomebackthen,either.WasIsupposedtobeamindreader?Ifelt
likeIneededtomakethatpoint.Itwasbuggingme.Ireturneddownthehallandspokethroughhisviolent
hookstothebag.

“TheothernightyouaskedmewhyInevertoldyouhowIfelt.Well,clearlyyoudidn’thavetheballs

totellmehowyoufelt,either.”

Justin stopped punching but kept his arms on the bag, leaning against it. He took a few seconds to

catchhisbreath.“Ithoughtitwasunderstood.HowmuchmoreobviouscouldIhavebeen?Allthefucking

songsIwroteyou?Didyoueverevenseemewithanyothergirls?”

“No.ButyoudidadmittokissingsomeonebeforethatnightatBrian’s.”
“I did kiss one girl before that night. Wanna know why? Because I didn’t want to be clueless as to

whatthefuckIwasdoingwhenIfinallygotthecouragetokissyou.Ineverconsidereditarealkiss.I
wanted my first real one to be with you. I wanted everything with you. But I was afraid you were too
young,soIwaswaiting.Ididn’twanttorushthingsandruinit.Butyou’reright.Apartofmealsodidn’t
havetheballstotellyouhowIfelt.”

“Iwishyouhad.Youwerebeingcareful,andIwasjustclueless.Together,wewere…careless.”
“Carefulpluscluelessequalscareless?Didyoujustmakethatuprightnow?”
“Yes.”
“That’sprettyfuckingcheesy.”
“Thanksalot.”
“You’dbettergetreadyforyourdatewithTrapperConM.D.”
Ilaughed,relievedthathewassmilingaboutthingsnow.“Willyouhelpme?”
“Helpyou?Whatthefuckdoyouneedhelpwith?”
“Helpmepickoutwhattowear.BecauseIthinkyou’reright.Thisisalittleskimpy.”
“Alittleskimpy?HustlerwouldbecallingyoutomorrowifIsentthemapicture.”
“Alright.Alotskimpy.”
“Youcan’tfigurethisshitoutonyourown?It’sprettysimple.Youcoveryourtitsandass.Done.”
“Yeah. But I still want to look good. You know I have a tendency to pick weird stuff. Potato sack

coutureandall.IfeellikeIgofromoneextremetotheother,andIdon’tknowhowtodressinbetween.”

“Fine.”Justinletoutanexhaustedbreathandfollowedmetomyroom.
Istartedtotakedressesoutofmycloset,throwingthemonthebedonebyone.“Howaboutthis?”
“Slutty.”
“Thisone?”
“Sluttier.”
“Okay.This?”
“YougotBirkenstockstogowithit?”
“Alright…thisone?”
“Well,thatwouldbeonewaytogetridofhim.”
Icoveredmyface.“Aargggh!Thisissofrustrating.”
“Iknowasolution.”
“What?”
“Don’tgoonthedate.”
“BecauseIcan’tfigureoutwhattowear?”
“Yeah.Ithinkyoushouldstayhome.”
“Youjustdon’tlikehim.”
“You’redamnright.”
“Again…why?”
“Hejustwantsinyourpants,Amelia.”
“Well,he’snotgettinginmypants.”
“Yousureaboutthat?”
“Idon’tsleepwithguysonthefirstdate.”
Heliftedhisbrowskeptically.“You’veneversleptwithaguyonthefirstdate?”
“Well…”

“Exactly.”
“EvenifIwantedtosleepwithhim—whichIdon’t—itwouldn’tbetonight.”
“Whyisthat?”
“Istabbedmyselfagain.”
HeshookhisheadandchuckledwhenhefiguredoutIwasreferringtomyperiod.“Isee.”
“Whydoyouthinkthathe’sonlyinterestedinmeformybodyanyway?”
“It was his eyes. I don’t trust them. You can tell a lot about someone by the look in their eyes. His

gavemeabadvibe.”

“Well,Ihavemoregoingformethanmytitsandass.So,hopefullyyou’rewrong.”
“You’reright.Youhavenicedeep-setdimpleswhenyousmile,too.”
Mybodyfeltflushfromthecomplimentthathadcomeoutoftheblue.Ididn’tknowhowtorespond,

soIsimplysaid,“Shutup.”

“Justbecareful,”hesaidseriously,reachingintohisbackpocket.“Speakingofwhich…takethiswith

you.”ItwashisoldredSwissArmyknifefromwhenwewereyounger.

“Youstillhavethis?”
“I’llneverstopneedingthis.”
“Youreallywantmetotakethiswithme?”
“Yes.”
Takingitfromhim,Isaid,“Okay.”
“Arewedonehere?”
“Westillhaven’tpickedoutwhatI’mwearing.”
Justin walked over to my closet and ran his hand slowly along the lineup of outfits, eventually

stoppingatasimpleblacksleevelessdressthatwasfarfromrevealing.Itlookedmorelikesomethingyou
couldweartoafuneral.Actually,itwasthedressIhadboughttoweartoNana’sfuneralbeforeIrealized
shehadexplicitlywrittenthatshedidn’twantone.Shewantedtojustbecrematedwithherashesthrown
intheoceanwithoutanyfanfare.

“Thisone?Really?”
Heheldthedressinhishand.“Don’taskformyhelpifyou’renotgonnalisten.”
“Okay. This one it is.” I took it from him and watched as he made his way out the door. My eyes

focused on the rectangular tattoo on his back. Even though I always thought it was sexy as hell, I was
neverabletogetagoodenoughlookatitforsomereasonuntilnow.

“Justin.”
Heturnedaround.“Yeah.”
“Whatisthattattooonyourback?”
Hisbodystiffened.“It’sabarcode.”
“That’swhatIthought.Ialwayswondered.Doesitmeananything?”
Refusing to answer my question, he simply said, “Get dressed. You don’t want to be late for Dr.

Dick.”

***

Will was supposed to be picking me up in about twenty minutes. I sat on the kitchen counter sipping a
glassofwhitewinetorelax.TheblackdressthatJustinhadchosenactuallylookedprettynice.Therewas
nounnecessaryskinshowing,andthatwasprobablythewayitshouldhavebeen.Iendedupputtingmy
long,darkbrownhairupintoatwist.

A waft of his cologne prompted me to look to the side. My heart clenched at the sight of Justin

standingintheentryway.Ihadn’tnoticedhimuntilIsmelledhim.Heseemedtobeobservingmewithout
myknowing.

He’djustshoweredafterhisworkoutandlookedsoincrediblyhotinasimpleblackshirtthathugged

hismuscles.Thejeanshewaswearingweretheonesthatalwaysdisplayedhisassinthebestway.Even
though I had the night off, Justin was supposed to be playing at Sandy’s. The women were going to go
apeshitoverhimtonight.

Hewalkedoverandpulledupastoolnexttome.Mynipplesperkedupattheclosenessofhisbody.
Heexaminedmyfaceandsaid,“Youdon’tlooktooexcited.”
“I’mnotsurehowIfeel,tobehonest.”
“You’renotnervousaboutgoingoutwiththatjackass,areyou?”
“Alittle.”
“Why?He’snotworthyournerves.”
“It’sthefirstdateI’vebeenonsinceAdam.”
Hesuckedinhisjawalmostangrily.“That’stheguythatcheatedonyou…”
“Yeah.Howdidyouknow?”
“Jadetoldme.”
Itsurprisedmethatthey’dbeentalkingaboutme.Iwasn’tsurehowIfeltaboutJustinknowingabout

Adam.

“Oh.”
“Don’tletwhathappenedwiththatassholemakeyouthinkyoushouldsettleforthefirstTom,Dickor

Harrythatcomesalong.”

“Haveyouevercheatedonanyone?”
He hesitated before he answered, “Yes. I’m not proud of it. I was younger then, though. It’s not

somethingIwouldeverdotoday.ThewayIseeit,ifyouwanttocheatonsomeone,youshouldjustbreak
upwiththem.Cheatingisforcowards.”

“Iagree.IwishthatAdamhadjustbrokenupwithme.”
“I’mgladyou’renotwithhimanymore.”
“Me,too.”
“Hewastryingtohavethebestofbothworlds.He’llendupdoingittotheothergirl,too.Watch.”
“Jadeisluckytohaveyou,tobewithsomeonewhoisloyal.”
Hisexpressiondarkenedbeforehesaid,“Temptationisnatural.Thatdoesn’tmeanyoushouldacton

it.”Heseemedtobeponderinghisownwordsinanattempttoconvincehimselfofthatveryfact.

“Right.Ofcourse.”
Justinswiftlychangedthesubject.“Yougotyourpocketknife?”
“Yes.I’mnotgoingtoneedit,butit’sinmypurse.”
“Good.Youhavemycellphonenumber?”
“Yes.”
“Youshouldbetakingyourowncar.”
“Well,Ialreadyagreedtohavehimpickmeup.”
“Ifhetriesanythingfunny,callme.I’llcomegetyou.”
“Butyou’llbeinthemiddleofperforming.”
“Doesn’tmatter.Callmeifyouneedaride.”
“Okay.Iwill.”
His protectiveness reminded me of the old days. Having someone looking out for me was a really

goodfeeling.Infact,Ihadn’tfeltitsincerunningawayfromhomeallthoseyearsago.

Itookanothersipofmydrink.BeforeIcouldplaceitdownonthecounter,IfeltJustin’shandonmine

asheintercepted,takingtheglassfrommygraspandgulpingdowntherestofthewine.

Myvoicewaspracticallyawhisper.“Ididn’tknowyoulikedwhitewine.”
“I’minadifferentkindofamoodtonight,Iguess.”Hetooktheglassovertothesmallbarareaand

refilleditbeforesittingbackdownandplacingitinfrontofme.

We quietly drank out of the same goblet, passing it back and forth to each other, making silent eye

contact.WheneverhelickedtheChardonnayoffhislips,itwasutterlyarousing.Ifeltsoguiltyforfeeling
that way, but it was beyond my control. Like he said, temptation was natural, right? Knowing that I
couldn’tandwouldn’tactonit,madethefeelingsthatmuchmorepowerful,though.Thefactthathewas
unattainablemadeitall-consuming.

IfIwerebeinghonest,nopartofmereallywantedtogooutwithWilltonight.Everypartofme,on

theotherhand,wantedtogowatchJustinperform,especiallysincewewerecominguponthefinaldays
beforehewouldreturntoNewYork.

The knock on the door was loud and confident. Justin rubbed the back of his neck to massage the

tensionthere.IfIdidn’tknowbetter,Iwouldthinkhewastheonenervousaboutthisdate.

WhenIhoppeddownfromthestooltoanswerthedoor,hesaid,“Wait.”
“Yeah?”
“Youlookreallynice.Ithinkthatdresswastherightchoice.”
Myheartfluttered.“Thankyou.”
MyheelsclickedonthetileasIwalkedovertothefrontdoor.
Willwasholdingasmallbouquetofflowers.“Evening,Amelia.God,youlookstunning.”
“Hi,Will.Thankyou.Comein.”
Justin’sarmswerecrossed.Hisbodylanguagewasmorelikeanarmedguardatabankratherthana

manstandingcasuallyinhisownkitchen.

“Youremembermyroommate,Justin.”
“Ofcourse.Howareyoufeeling?”
“Veryenergizedatthemoment,Dr.Danger.”
WillseemedannoyedatJustin’smispronunciation.“Dan-ger,”hecorrected.
“Sorry.Didn’tmeantoangerDr.Dan-ger.”
Willwasn’tamused.“Noproblem.”
“Whereareyoukidsgoingtonight?”
“TheBoathouse.Youbeenthere?”
“Rightonthewater.Smooth.Puttingoutallthestops.”
Grabbingmypurse,Isaid,“Well,weshouldgetgoing.”
Justinheldhishandout.“I’lltakecareoftheflowers.”
Somehow,Iwonderediftheywouldendupinthetrashthesecondthedoorclosedbehindus.
“Thanks.”
“Noproblem.”
Whenwegotoutside,Willturnedtome.“Yourroommatelikestobutchermyname.He’sabitofa

wiseass.”

“Yes.Hecanbe.”
WillopenedthedoortohisMercedesandletmeinthepassengerside.Theconversationwaseasyon

thewaytoTiverton.Heaskedmeaboutmyteachingcareer,andwespokeabouthistimeattheUniversity
ofNorthCarolinaMedicalSchoolatChapelHill.

Myphonevibrated.

Justin:Thoseflowerswerefromthesupermarket.

Amelia:Howdoyouknow?

Justin:Helefttheorangestickeron.Whatatool.

Amelia:It’sthethoughtthatcounts.

Justin:Lookinthebackseat.Ibetyou’llseemilkandeggs.

Amelia:Don’tyouhavetobeatSandy’s?

Justin:Headingoutnow.

Amelia:Breakalegtonight.

Justin:StayoutofDanger.Betteryet,keepDangeroutofyou.

Amelia:You’reagoof.

Justin:Orderthelobster.Atleastyou’llgetsomethingoutoftonight.

Amelia:Goodbye,Justin!

“What’ssofunny?”
“Oh,it’snothing.Sorry.”
He looked over at me. “So, what were we saying? Oh, you were about to tell me when you’re

planningtoheadbacktoProvidence…”

“ThelastweekinAugust.IhavetogetmyclassroomsetupforthebeginningofSeptember.”
“Ibetyourstudentsreallydigyou.”
“Whydoyousaythat?”
“IwishIhadateacherthatlookedlikeyouwhenIwasinmiddleschool.”
“Well,Iliketothinktheyappreciatemeforotherreasons.”
“Oh.I’msuretheydo.”
Whenwearrivedtotherestaurant,itwasalreadydarkout,sothewaterfrontviewwasn’tasgreatas

itwouldhavebeenduringthedaylighthours.Itwasstartingtogetchilly,soweoptedforawindowseat
inside but overlooking the water. Lights from some of the sailboats illuminated the dark ocean. White
Christmasbulbshanginginsidetherestaurantmadeforacozyambience.Thesmelloffreshseafoodfilled
theair.Ilaughedtomyself,thinkingofhowJustinwouldprobablysaytheplacesmelledlikedirtysnatch.

I ended up ordering swordfish with mango salsa while Will opted for Chicken Marsala. The

conversation while we were waiting for our food was pretty mundane. We spoke a little bit about the
upcomingpresidentialelection.WillwasarepublicanwhileIwasademocrat.Ialsotoldhimthestoryof
howIcametoinheritNana’shouse.

Myphonevibrated.

Justin:How’sitgoing?

Ididn’twanttoberudeandanswerhim.So,IignoredthetextuntilWillexcusedhimselftousethe

restroom.

Amelia:Aren’tyousupposedtobesinging?

Justin:It’smytenminutebreak.

Amelia:Everythingisfine.

Justin:Justcheckingtomakesureyou’restillalive.

Amelia:Ihavenothadtousetheknife,no.

Justin:DidyouorderthelobsterlikeItoldyouto?

Amelia:No.Swordfish.

Hedidn’trespond,soIassumedthathewasdonetextingme,whichwasgood,sinceWillwasheaded

backtothetable.

Ourfoodarrived,andthewaitressbroughtmeasecondglassofwine.Weateincomfortablesilence

whenIcouldfeelmyphonebuzzonmylap.FiguringitwasJustin,Iwascurioustolookdownbutdidn’t
wanttoseemrude.AfterIwashalfwaythroughmymeal,Idecidedtoexcusemyselftogotothebathroom
sothatIcouldcheckmyphone.

Intherestroom,IleanedagainstthesinkasItookmyphoneout.

Justin:Youwereright.

Whatdidthatmean?

Amelia:Rightaboutwhat?

Afterwaitingforfivefullminutes,Idecidedtoheadbacktothetable.
“Everythingalright?”
“Yes.Everythingisfine.”
“IwasthinkingwecoulddrivebacktoNewport,maybetakeaneveningwalkdownMainStreetand

stopforcoffeeoricecream,whicheveryouprefer.”

Truthfully,Iwantedtogohome,takeoffmyheels,andsoakinanicehotbath.
“Thatsoundsgreat,”Ilied.
Myphonevibratedagain.Thistime,IlookeddownonmylaptosneakapeekatJustin’sresponse.

Justin:Ididn’tstaybecauseofthegigatSandy’s.

Justin:IcouldhavegonebacktoNewYork.

Justin:Iwantedtostay.

ThosewordsensuredthatIwasacompletegonerfortheremainderofourtimeatTheBoathouse.I

didn’t respond to the text, but that was mostly because I didn’t know what to say. He may not have
necessarilyexpectedaresponse.Myheartjustfeltinexplicablyheavy.

Backinthecar,we’djustgottenbacktoNewportwhenWillsaidheneededtorunintoaconvenience

store for a minute. Out of nowhere, my nose started running. I badly needed a tissue, so I opened the
centerconsoleinthehopesoffindingsomethingtowipemynosewith.WhileIdidn’tfindatissue,my
handdidstumbleuponsomething:amen’sgoldweddingband.

Whatthefuck?
Myheartstartedtopoundfuriously.
Areyoukiddingmerightnow?
Theassholewasprobablybuyingcondomsforatrystwithme.Withoutthinkingitthrough,Igotoutof

thecarandslammedthedoor.Iwasn’tinanymoodforaconfrontationandhonestlydidn’tcareenoughto
reamhimout.AllIcaredaboutwasgoingtoseeJustin.Lookingdownatmyphone,Irealizedhewould
still be playing the last set at Sandy’s, which was about a half-mile walk from my current location.
Runninginmyheels,IpantedasImademywayacrossdowntownNewport.

Istoppedtocatchmybreathbeforeenteringtherestaurant.Becauseitwascoolertonight,Justinwas

performingontheinsidestage.Isnuckinsideandhidinacornerwherehecouldn’tseemebutwhereI
couldstillwatchhim.Thishadtobeclosetotheend.

Hisvoicesuddenlyvibratedthroughthemic.“Thislastsonggoesouttoallthepeoplewho’veever

hadacertainkindoffriendwhodrivesyoucrazy—thekindthatgetsunderyourskinandstaysthereeven
whenthey’renotphysicallypresent.Thekindwithdimplesyou’vebeendreamingaboutsinceyouwerea
kid.Thekindwithseafoamgreeneyesyougetlostin.Thekindthat’sconfusingasallhell.Thatkind.If
youcanrelate,thissongisforyou.”

OhmyGod.
JustinbegantoplayacoverofasongIrecognized.ItwasRealizebyColbieCaillat.Attemptingto

listentothewords,Icouldn’tdecipheritallbecauseIwastootransfixedonthewayhewassingingit.
Thelyricsweremostlyaboutrealizingtruefeelingsandhowsometimestheycouldbeone-sided.During
mostofthesong,hiseyeswereclosed,eventhoughhewasplayingtheguitar.Hedidn’tknowIwashere,
and I was pretty sure he was thinking of me. I didn’t know whether I should leave. It felt like I was
invadinghisprivacysomewhat.Itwasdoubtfulthathewouldhavechosentosingthissongtomyface.

WhenJustinfinishedthesong,hethankedtheaudienceandimmediatelygotup.Ignoringthebevvyof

women trying to approach him for an autographed CD, he instead just took off to the back of the
restaurant.IneededtodecidewhetherIwasgoingtomakemypresenceknown.

Stillinthecorneroftheroom,Ifeltmyphonevibrate.

Justin:Doneforthenight.Headinghome.Everythingkosher?

Amelia:Notexactly.

Justin:???

IoptedtopretendthatIhadn’theardthesongorwhatcamebeforeit.Noneofitwasmeantformy

ears.Makingmywaybackoutside,Ityped.

Amelia:I’mfine.IjustgottoSandy’s.I’moutside.

Withintenseconds,thedooropened,andJustinwasoutsidecarryinghisguitar.
Theangerwaswrittenalloverhisface.“Whatthefuck?”
“Hitoyou,too.”
“Whathappened?”
“Yoursuspicionsabouthischaracterwerecorrect.”
“Didhetrytotouchyou?”
“No.Hedidn’tlayahandonme.”
“Whatdidhedothen?”
“Heneglectedtomentionthathe’smarried.”
“What?Howdidyoufigurethatout?”
“Ifoundamen’sweddingringinthecenterconsoleofhiscar.”
“Fucker.”
“Thankyouforlookingoutforme.”
“I guess old habits die hard.” He stared up at the starry sky. “Anyway, I’m sorry you wasted your

night.”

“The only thing I’m sorry about is missing your performance. I left him at the Cumberland Farms

conveniencestoreandranhereasfastasIcouldbutdidn’tmakeitintime.”

“Youdidn’tmissmuch.”
“Whyisthat?”
“Ifeltalittleofftonight.”
“Ibetthat’sjustyourperception.”
“No.Iwasdistracted.”
A group of girls came outside and lingered around him. One of them approached him with a CD.

“Wouldyoumindsigningthis,Justin?”

“Notatall.”Hewasverygraciousaboutit.
Shesquealedbeforescurryingawaywithherfriends.
Ichuckled.“So,youthinkIcouldbumarideoffalocalcelebrity?”
“I don’t know. Your house might be too far out of my way.” He nudged his head. “Come on. I’m

parkedinthelotacrossthestreet.”

IlovedridinginJustin’sRangeRoverbecausehisintoxicatingsmellwastenfoldinsideofit.Leaning

myheadagainsttheseat,Iclosedmyeyes,soincrediblyhappytobewithhim.Ithitmethattherewere
reallyonlyamatterofdaysleftbeforehe’dbegonebacktoNewYork.I’dbeclosingupthehouse,andI
wouldn’tseehimeverydayanymore.

WhenIopenedmyeyes,IrealizedthatweweregoingovertheMountHopeBridge.Hewasdriving

offtheisland.

“Wherearewegoing?”
“We’retakingalittledetour.Thatokaywithyou?”
Excitementfilledme.“Yeah.”
Fortyminuteslater,wearrivedinProvidence,thecitywhereIlivedandwherewegrewup.

“Ihaven’tbeenbackhereinages,”hesaid.
“You’renotmissingmuch.”
“It’smorelikeItrynottothinkaboutwhatI’mmissing.”
Wedrovethroughouroldneighborhoodandeventuallymadeourwaydownthepackedstreetsofthe

city’sEastSide.Whenheturnedontoaparticularsidestreet,itfinallyhitmewherehewastakingme.As
if it were reserved for us, there was an open parking spot right in front of the little red theater. Justin
parallelparkedandturnedofftheignition.

Hesatthereforafewsecondsthenturnedtome.“Itlooksopen.Youthinktheystillhaveamidnight

show?”

“Ihaven’tbeenhereinyears.Wecouldcheckitout.”
Ineverexpectedthistripdownmemorylane.
Justinwalkeduptothescruffyoldmanbehindthecounter.“Youstillshowingindiefilms?”
“Whateveryouwanttocallthem.”
“When’sthenextmovie?”
“Tenminutes.”
“We’lltaketwotickets.”
“Numberonetoyourleft.”
“Thanks,”Justinsaidbeforeleadingmeintothedarktheater.
Lookingaround,Isaid,“I’msogladyouthoughtofthis.”
“Doyourememberthisactualroom?”heasked.
“Ido.”Ipointedtothemiddle.“Weusedtositrightaboutthere.ItsmellsworsethanIremember.”
“Itdoessmellprettyraunchy.”
Therewasonlyoneotherpersoninthetheater,amansittingdiagonallyacrossfromus.
Thelightsdimmed,andthefeaturepresentationstarted.Withinafewseconds,itbecameabundantly

clearthatwhilethelittleredtheaterlookedphysicallythesame,everythingelsehadchanged.

Theopeningsequencefeaturedamusicalmontageofwomensuckingdifferentmenoff.Itseemedour

little red movie house had completely lost its innocence in the years we’d abandoned it. It was now a
pornotheater.

WhenIlookedoveratJustin,hewaslaughingsohardhewaspracticallycrying.
Iwhispered,“Sweartomeyoudidn’tknow.”
Hewipedhiseyes.“IsweartoGod,Amelia.Ihadnoclue.Didyouevenseeasign…anything?”
“No.Butthereneverreallyweresignsindicatingwhatwasplaying,soIjustassumed…”
“Youknowwhattheysayaboutassumingthings…”
“Youmakeanassoutofyouandme?”
“Close. Sometimes when you assume things, you accidentally end up in an adult movie theater

watchinganal.”

Hepointedtothescreen,whichdisplayednothingbutagiganticassgettingscrewed.“Ourlittlered

theaterhasbeencorrupted,Patch.”

Tomakemattersworse,theonlyotherpatronintheplaceseemedtobejerkinghishandupanddown

underablanket.Webothstaredoverattheguytheneruptedinlaughter.

“Doyouthinkthat’sourcuetoleave?”Iasked.
“Itmightbe.”
Anewscenesuddenlypoppeduponthescreen.Itwasn’tashardcoreastheotherandseemedmore

cinematic, like an actual film as opposed to a cheap triple X video. The music was softer. The snippet
featuredtwoguysgoingtotownonagirlslowlyandsensually.Shewasgivingoralsextoonewhilethe

otherguywasgoingdownonher.Weweresupposedtobeleaving,butIfeltfrozeninmyseat,unableto
take my eyes off of it. I knew Justin was watching it too because he was quiet. The entire thing lasted
abouttenminutes.

When it was over, I looked over at Justin who was just staring at me. Had he been watching the

movie,orwashewatchingme watching the movie? Did he know I was aroused by it? In any case, he
didn’tmakeanysnideremarks,andhecertainlywasn’tlaughingatme.

When he finally spoke up, his voice sounded strained when he whispered in my ear, “You want to

stay?”

“No.Weshouldgo.”
“Okay.”
WhenIstartedtogetup,heputhishandonmyarmtostopme.“Ineedaminute.”
“Why?”
HejuststaredatmelikeIshouldhaveknownwhy.
Ifigureditout.“Oh.”
Ididn’tknowwhatturnedmeonmore,watchingthatsceneorknowingthatJustinwashardfromit.It

wasalltoomuchforme.Heclosedhiseyesforaboutaminutethenlookedoveratme.“It’snotgoing
down.”

“Stayinginhereisn’tgoingtohelp.”
“Probablynot.”
“Let’sjustgo.”Ididn’tmeantolaugh,butitwasprettyfunny.
Webothgotupandexitedthetheater.Itriedreallyhardnottolookdown,butmyeyesbetrayedmeas

theywanderedtothebulgestrainingthroughhisjeans.Dirtythoughtsfloodedmymind.Iwishedthings
weredifferentbecauseIcouldthinkofamillionwaysIcouldhelphimtakecareofit.

TheridebacktoNewportwasquiet.Thesexualtensionintheairwasthick.Mynippleshadturnedto

steel,andmypantiesweresoakedknowingthathewasprobablystillhard.Itoccurredtomethatcertain
situations could be even more arousing than sex itself, those situations where you wanted something so
badlybutcouldn’thaveit.Mybodywasexperiencinganimpossiblestateofarousal.

Wepulleduptothehouse.Whenheshutofftheignition,heleanedhisheadbackagainsttheseatand

turnedtome,lookingasifhewantedtosaysomethingbutcouldn’tfindthewords.

Breakingtheice,Isaid,“Thankyouforattemptingtomakemynightbetter.”
“Attemptistheoperativeword.Itwasanepicfail.”
“No,itwasn’t.”
“Itwasn’t?Iaccidentallytookyoutoseeapornoandgotabonerintheprocess.Whatthefuck…amI

fifteen?”

“Iwasturnedon,too.It’sjustnotasobvious.”
“Iknow.Icouldtell.Thatwaswhat…”Hehesitatedandshookhishead.“Nevermind.”
“Well,anyway.ItwasstillbetterthanthedatewithDr.Danger.”
“Ican’tbelievethatasshole.Ishouldgotothehospitalandbeatthefuckoutofhimtomorrow.”
“He’snotworthit.”Iglancedoutthewindow.“Anyway,weshouldgoinside.”
“Yeah.”
Backinsidethehouse,welingeredinthekitchen.Iwasn’treadytogotosleep,eventhoughitwas

wellpastoneinthemorning.Neitherofusbudged.

“Jesus,it’ssolate,butI’mnottiredatall,”Isaid.
“IfImakesomecoffeefusion,willyouhavesome?”
“Yeah.I’dlovesome.”Ismiled.

Iwatchedhiseverymoveashepreparedthecoffee.
Iloveyou.
God,thethoughthadjustcomeoutofthebluefrommysubconsciousmind.Fromtimetotime,those

threewordswouldjustplayinmyheadwhenIwaswithhim.Ididlovehim,justasmuchasIalways
had. But I needed to control these feelings, otherwise I would be setting myself up for major
disappointment.

Hisbackwastomewhenhesaid,“Jadeiscomingbackinafewdays.”
Myheartsank.“Really?AreyougoingbacktoNewYorkwithher?”
“No.Aftersheleaves,I’llstayanextrafewdaystofulfillmypromisetoSalvatore.”
“Oh.”
Heplacedasteaminghotmuginfrontofme.“Hereyougo.”
“Thankyou.”
Overthepastforty-eighthours,itseemedthatsomethingbetweenushadshifted.Maybehischangein

attitudewasaresultoftheimpendingendofsummer.

Sipping the coffee, I said, “I don’t think either one of us will be going to sleep anytime soon after

this.”

“Mightaswelljuststayup.”
Overthenexttwohours,JustinandIjusttalked,openingupaboutthethingsthatwe’dmissedineach

other’s lives. I found out that before he moved to New York, he’d actually completed a semester at
BerkleeCollegeofMusicinBostonbutcouldn’taffordtocontinue.Hisparentshadrefusedtofundhis
educationifhechosetomajorinmusic.Instead,hemovedtoNewYorkandtookoddjobsandgigsuntil
heeventuallywentbacktoschool,majoringinbusinesswithaminorinmusic.Hetoldmehemethisex-
girlfriendOliviaafewyearsafterhemovedthere.Theylivedtogetherforacoupleofyearsandstayed
friendsevenafterhebrokeupwithher.She’dbeenhisonlyseriousgirlfriendbeforeJade.HesaidJade
believesthattheexwantstogetbackwithhim,eventhoughOlivia’swithsomeoneelsenow.Inbetween
thosetworelationships,he’dsleptaroundwithhisfairshareofwomen.Iappreciatedhisbeingcandid
withme,butitstillhurttohearthat.

ItoldhimstoriesaboutmytimeatUNHandhowIchosetomajorineducationbecauseitfeltlikea

solidchoice,notbecauseitwassomethingIwaspassionateabout.IadmittedthateventhoughIenjoyed
teaching,itfeltliketherewassomethingmissing,somethingelseIwassupposedtobedoingwithmylife
thatIhadn’tfiguredoutyet.

Ampeduponthecoffee,wehadliterallytalkedthroughthenight.Iwasstillwearingtheblackdress

frommydate.Atonepoint,Iwentupstairstousethebathroom.WhenIcamebackdowntothekitchen,he
wassittingonastoolbythewindow,toolingaroundwithhisguitar.

Thesunwasstartingtoriseovertheocean.HisbackwasfacingmeashestartedplayingHereComes

the Sun by the Beatles. I leaned against the doorway, listening to his soothing voice. The more I paid
attentiontothelyrics,themoretheyseemedmetaphorical.Thepastdecadehadbeenlikealongseasonof
darknessandregretwhenitcametoJustinandme.Thisreconnectionwasreallylikethesuncomingup
againforthefirsttimeinalongtime.Ofcourse,he’dprobablyjustchosentosingitbecausethesunwas
literallyrising.Still,Icouldn’thelpwheremymindtravelled,especiallyonnosleep.

Stopfallinginlovewithhimagain,Amelia.
How exactly was I supposed to change how I felt? I couldn’t. I just needed to learn to accept that

JustinwaswithJade.Hewashappy.Ineededtosomehowfigureouthowtobehisfriendagainwithout
gettinghurtintheprocess.

Whenthesongfinished,heturnedaroundandsawthatI’dbeenwatchinghim.

Iwalkedovertowherehewassittingandgazedout.“Thesunriseisbeautifultoday,isn’tit?”
“Reallybeautiful,”heagreed,excepthewasn’tlookingatthesunatall.

CHAPTER8

Jadewasarrivingtomorrow,andthatwasmakingmefeelverymuchonedge.

Ineededtotalktosomeone,soIcoercedmyfriendandco-worker,Tracy,tocomeforavisittothe

island. She met me for lunch at the Brick Alley Pub in town. I hadn’t seen Tracy since right after the
schoolyearended.Withherkids’busysummerschedules,shehadn’tbeenabletobreakawayuntilnow.

Thefirsthalfofourlunchdatewasspentovernachos,givingherthefullbackstoryofmyhistorywith

Justinandrehashingwhathadhappenedatthebeachhouseupuntilnow.

“God,Iwouldn’twanttobeinyourshoes,”shesaid.“Whatareyougoingtodo?”
“WhatcanIdo?”
“Youcouldtellhimhowyoufeelabouthim.”
“He’swithJade,andshe’sareallygoodperson.Ican’ttrytomakeaplayforhimrightunderhernose

ifthat’swhatyoumean.Iwon’tdothat.”

“Butheobviouslywantsyou.”
“Iwouldn’tsaythat.”
“Come on…the song he dedicated to you? Sure, he didn’t know you heard it, but clearly he’s got

lingeringfeelings.”

“Lingering feelings are one thing…acting on them is totally another. He’s not going to leave his

gorgeous,talented,Broadwaystargirlfriend,who’dbeenthereforhimwhenIwasn’t,justbecausesome
oldfeelingswererekindled.Jade’sagreatgirl.”

“Butshe’snotyou.He’salwayswantedyou.You’retheonethatgotaway.”
“I’mtheonethatranaway.Hewon’tforgetthat.Hemightlearntoforgiveme,butIdon’tknowthat

he’lleverfullytrustme.It’snotfairofmetoexpecthimto.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. You were a kid.” Tracy took a bite of her corn chip and spoke

withhermouthfull,“Yousaidyou’renotsellingthehouse,right?”

“No.Weagreedtokeepit.That’swhatNanawouldwant.”
“ThenwhetherhestayswithJadeornot,thishouseisgoingtobindthetwoofyouforever.Doyou

really want to spend every summer for the rest of your life watching the man you love moving on with
otherwomen?”

Myheartfeltlikeitwasbreakingintwo.Flashesofmanysummersturningintowintersranthrough

my mind on fast forward. The idea of that sounded daunting. Year after year of unrequited love for
someoneIcouldn’thavewasnotsomethingIwantedtoendure.

“You’renothelpingmydilemma.Iwashopingyou’dtalksomesenseintome,helpmerealizethatI

needtoacceptthingsthewaytheyareandmoveon.”

“Butthat’snotreallywhatyouwant,isit?”
No.No,itisn’t.

***

Tonightwasmynightoff.Ididn’tknowwhethertobedisappointedorrelievedthatI’dbemissingJustin
play. We’d kept our distance since the all-nighter. It was for the best, since things were teetering on

inappropriatethatnight—atleastinmyheadtheywere.

Tracydecidedtostickaroundandspendthenightatthebeachhouse.WithJustinoutofthehouse,she

hadthebrightideathatweshouldbuysomeliquorandhaveagirls’nightin.

Wearrivedatthehousewithapaperbagfulloftequila,limesandcoarsesalt.Mystomachdropped

whenIspottedJustin’scarinthedriveway.

Hewassupposedtobeworking.Whatwashedoinghome?
“Shit.Justin’shome.”
“Ithoughthewasworking,”shesaid.
“Me,too.”
Justinwasnowheretobefoundwhenwewalkedinthedoor.Idroppedthebagonthekitchencounter

andwenttoshowTracytheupperdeck.That’swherewefoundJustinsitting,smokingacigarwithhis
legsuponthebalconyashelookedouttowardthewater.Hishairwaswet,likehe’djusttakenadipin
theocean.Hewasshirtless.Thetopofhisboxerbriefswasstickingoutofhisjeans.Helookedlikea
freakingCalvinKleinad.Tracy’smouthpracticallyhitthefloorwhenshegotalookathim.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?Ithoughtyouwereplayingattherestaurant.”
Smokebillowedoutofhismouth.“Iwassupposedtobe.Buttheplacealmostburneddown.”
“What?”
“Therewasakitchenfirethisafternoon.WhenIshowedup,theytoldmetheyhadtoclosetoairout

the entire restaurant. They won’t be reopening for another week at least. It doesn’t look like I’ll get to
playthereagainbeforeIleave.”

“Holyshit.Didanyonegethurt?”
“No,butSalvatorewasafuckingwreck.”HeglancedoveratTracy.“Who’sthis?”
“ThisisTracy,agoodfriendfromProvidenceandateacheratmyschool.Shecamedowntospend

thedaywithme.She’sgonnasleepovertonight.”

Justinplaced his baseballcap over hishead backwards and stoodup. “Nice tomeet you,” he said,

offeringherhishand.

“Likewise,”shesaid,takingit.
I shook my head in disbelief, not only about the blaze but the fact that Justin was probably leaving

withJadesoonerthanIthought.“Wow.Ican’tbelievethataboutthefire.”

“Iwasn’treallyinthemoodtoperformtonight,butIwouldhaveneverwishedthatshitonSal.”
“Gosh.IwonderifI’llevenbeworkingtheremyselfagainbeforetheendofsummer.”
Hetookanotherpuffofthecigarandflickedtheashes.Therewassomethingsosexyaboutthat.
“Whatareyouladiesuptotonight?”
“Weweregonnahavesomedrinksandhaveagirlsnightin.”
“Thatsoundslikeahotmess.”
Tracylaughed.“It’snoteverynightthatIgetawayfrommykids.So,agirls’nightinisaboutaswild

asitgetsforme.”

Justinwinked.“Well,I’llstayoutofyourwaythen.”
“Youdon’thaveto,”Tracysaid.“Youshouldjoinusforadrink.”
“That’salright.I’llpass.”
When we returned downstairs, Tracy went to use the bathroom. I was cutting up limes when Justin

camedownandspottedthegiganticbottleoftequilaonthecounter.

“JesusChrist.Enoughtequila?”
“Itwasheridea.I’veneverdonetequilashotsbefore.”
Hesquintedhiseyes.“You’veneverdoneatequilashot?”

“Nope.”
“Damn,Patch.WhatdidtheynotknowhowtoliveitupinNewHampshire?”
“I never really drank at all until about a year ago. Actually, I’ve never drank more than I have this

summer.”

Heflashedanimpishgrin.“CanItakeresponsibilityforthat?”
“Maybe.”Ilaughed.
OurattentionturnedtoTracyasshecamebackdownthestairs.
“I’msosorry,Amelia,butToddjustcalledandsaidthatAvaissickandthrowingup.Hereallyneeds

metoheadbackhometoWarwick.”

“Areyouserious?I’msosorrytohearthat.”
“I guess you two will just have to enjoy the tequila without me. I’m just glad Todd called before I

starteddrinkingandcouldn’tdrivemyselfhome.”

“Doyouneedanythingfortheroad?”Iasked.“Abottleofwaterorsomething?”
“No. I’m good.” Tracy pulled me into a hug and said, “I’ll see you back at school in a few weeks

anyway.”

“Thanksforcomingdown,Trace.Ihadagreattime.”
“Itwasnicemeetingyou,Justin.”
JustinofferedasilentwavebeforeIwalkedhertothedoor.
With Tracy gone, the mood shifted from light to extremely tense. When I turned around, Justin was

leaningagainstthekitchencounterwithhisarmscrossed.

ThiswasexactlywhatIhadbeentryingtoavoid.PartofwhyI’dencouragedTracytospendthenight

wastoavoidbeingalonewithhim.Tonightwaslikelytheverylasttimewewouldbealonebeforehe
returnedtoNewYork.

Islowlywalkedtowardwherehewasstanding.
Justinsmirked.“Whatarewegonnadowithallthistequila?”
Shruggingmyshoulders,Isaid,“Idon’tknow.”
“Ithinkweshoulddrinkit.”
“Idon’tknowhowtodotequilashots.Tracywasgonnashowme.”
“Simple.Lick,slam,suck.”
“Excuseme?”
“It’sathree-stepprocess.Youwetyourhand,lickthesaltoff,slamthedrinkdown,andthenyousuck

thelime.Lick,slam,suck.I’llshowyouhowtodoit.”

Hearinghimsaythewordslick,slam,suckmademybodyprickle.
Justthen,myphonevibratedagainstthecounter.ItwasrightnexttoJustin.Hisexpressiondarkened

afterheglanceddownatthescreen.

Heliftedthephoneandmuttered,“Realfuckingnice,”beforehandingittome.
AllofthebloodinmybodyseemedtorushtomyheadwhenIreadthetextfromTracy.

Justintotallywantsyou.Youshouldfuckhimhardtonight.

HisstarewaspiercingwhenIlookedup.
Wrackingmybrainforaresponse,Iletoutafakelaugh.“She’sajokester.Shelikestobustballs.I’m

sorry.”

Hedidn’tsayanything,juststaredatmewithanuncomfortableintensity.
Shit.Thanksalot,Tracy!

Myheartwasbeatingfrantically.
Justinwasquietforthelongesttimethenjustsimplysaid,“Ireallyneedthatfuckingdrink.”
Breathingoutasighofrelief,Isaid,“Me,too.”
Heexaminedthebottle.“Didyoupickoutthistequila?”
Good.Hewaslettingitgo.
“Yes.”
“Thisbrandsucks.It’scheap.”
“Itoldyou.Idon’tknowanythingabouttequila.”
“Actually,it’snottheworstthingintheworld,becausewe’llchugitdownsofast,youwon’teven

tasteit.Ifitweretheexpensivestuff,thenthatwouldbeawaste.”

Justinopenedthesmallcontainerofsalt,grabbedtwoshotglassesfromthecabinet,andplacedthem

downonthegranitebeforeslidingoneofthemovertome.

Liftinghishand,hespreadhisthumbandhisindexfingeropenandpointedtothespacebetweenthem.

“Putyourhandlikethis,anddowhatIdo.”Hethenlickedthespacebetweenhisfingers.God,thatone
swipeofhistonguewassoerotic.Hemadeiteasytoseewhatthatmouthcoulddoinotherways.

Jadewasaluckywoman.
JustinwatchedeverymovementofmytongueasIdidthesame.Hethensprinkledsomesaltbetween

hisfingersandmine.

“You’re gonna lick the salt off real fast before drinking the tequila down in one shot. Don’t stop.

Drinkitalldown.Then,grabalimeandsuck.”

Holy hell, hearing the demanding tone of the words lick and suck come out of his mouth…it was

almosttoomuch.

“Ready?We’lldoittogether.Onthecountofthree.One…Two…Three.”
Followinghislead,Ilickedmyhandandslammedtheliquiddown,thetequilaburningmythroat.
I’dforgottentograbalime.Justintookoneandplaceditinmymouth.“Quick.Suckonthis.Itwill

diffusethetaste.”Isuckedthejuiceout,savoringtheacidicflavor.Mylipsweretouchinghisfingersas
heheldit.HewaswatchingintentlyasIsuckedonit.IwishedIcouldhaveswallowedhisfingerswhole.

Whenhetookthelimeaway,Ilickedmylips.“God,thatwasstrong.Whatdowedonow?Another

one?”

“Easy,drunkass.Weshouldwaitabit.You’realightweight.”
We spaced out our shots, each one packing a bigger punch than the last. When I lost my balance a

little,Justinsaid,“Alright.That’sit.I’mcuttingyouoff.”

Iwatchedashedidtwomoreshots.Afterseveralminutes,hiseyeswerestartingtolookglazedover.

Wewerebothprettydrunk.

TheroomswayedasImademywayovertothecouchandclosedmyeyes.Ifeltaheavyweightas

Justinploppeddownonthecushionnexttome.Helayhisheadbackandclosedhiseyes,too.He’dtaken
off his hat, and his hair was disheveled. The recessed lighting in the living room was shining atop his
head,bringingoutthenaturalblondstreaks.Afterstaringathimforawhile,theneedtorunmyfingers
throughthatsilkyhairbecameunbearable.Ireachedmyhandoverandstartedtorakemyfingersslowly
through it. I knew it was wrong, but I’d somehow convinced myself that it was an innocent gesture
betweenfriends.Likeweusedtodo.Deepdown,IknewIwaskiddingmyself.Thealcoholhadclouded
myinhibitionsandgivenmethecouragetodosomethingI’dbeenwantingtoforsolong.

Heletoutalong,shakybreathbutkepthiseyesclosedasmyfingerscontinuedtomassagethroughhis

hair.Atfirst,helookedlikehewasinecstasy,soIdidn’tstop.Afteraboutaminute,though,hisbreathing
becameheavier,andhestartedtofidget.

He shocked me when he suddenly opened his eyes and turned to me. “What the fuck are you doing,

Amelia?”

Iretractedmyhand.MyheartstartedtopoundasIattemptedtocomeupwithanexcuse.“I’msorry.

I…Igotcarriedaway.”

“Isee.Blameitonthealcohol?”hescoffed.
Hegotupandwalkedtotheothersideoftheroomandpulledonhishairinfrustrationashepaced.

Then, he did the most bizarre thing. He dropped to the floor and started doing pushups in speedy
succession.

Trying to fight the tears of humiliation that were stinging my eyes, I watched as he kept with the

exercisesforseveralminutes.Hewaspantingandexhaustedbythetimehecollapsedontohisback.He
finallysatup,bowinghisheadtowardthefloorashelookeddeepinthought.Sweatwaspouringoffhis
back.

DecidingthatI’dalreadydoneenoughdamageforonenight,Igotupandstartedtogoupstairs.
Hisvoicestoppedme.“Don’tgo.”
Turningaroundatthefootofthestairs,Isaid,“IthinkIreallyneedtojustgotosleep.”
“Comehere,”hesaidquietly.
When I returned to my seat on the couch, his voice was more demanding. “I said come…here.” He

pointedtothefloornexttohim.AsJustinsatwithhisarmswrappedaroundhisshins,Iplantedmyselfon
thegroundbesidehim,stilltooashamedtolookhimintheeyes.

Heturnedhisbacktowardme.“Youaskedmewhatthistattooonmybackmeant.Lookatthenumbers

inthreesetsoffourunderthebarcode.”

They just seemed like random numerals in no particular order. Three sets of four. What did they

mean?

Thefirstsetfinallycametome:1221.“That’sDecembertwenty-first,yourbirthday.”
Henodded.“Yeah.”
Thenextsetwas0323.“What’sthatone?”
“March23rd,2001,”hesaid.
“What’sthesignificanceofthatdate?”
“Youdon’tknow?”
“No.”
“Thatwasthedaywemet.”
“HowonEarthdidyouremembertheexactdate?”
“Ijustneverforgot.”
Ilookedatthenextsetofdigits:0726.
Now,thatwasadateIcouldneverforget.
“Julytwenty-sixthwasthedateIleftProvidencein2006.”Istaredoffforabitbeforesaying,“The

barcoderepresentsyourbirthandthebeginningandendofourrelationship.”

“Yeah.Definingmomentsofmylife.”
“Whendidyougetthistattoo?”
“ThenightIgotit,IwasinBostonfinishingmyfirstandlastsemesteratBerkleeCollegeofMusic.I

knewIwasn’tgoingtobereturning,becauseIcouldn’taffordit.Iwasdepressedandsadandmissingyou
like hell that night. But I’d refused to speak to you when you tried to contact me the year before, and I
wasn’tgoingtobudge.Iwasyoungandstubborn.Iwantedtomakeyoupayforrunningaway.Theonly
wayIknewhowtoachievethatwastodotoyouwhatyoudidtome—disappear.Ifoundatattooplace
nearschoolandhadthisinkedonme.Itrepresentedlettingyougoonceandforall.”

“Diditdothetrick?”
“Youknow…afterthatday,Ireallyfollowedthroughwithmyvowtomoveon.Andeveryyear,itdid

get easier to forget everything, especially after I moved to New York. Days and weeks would go by
withoutthinkingaboutyou.IthoughtI’dputyouinthepastwhereyoubelonged.”

“Untilyoucouldn’tavoidmeanymore.”
Henodded.“Cominghere,Ihadnoideawhattoexpect.WhenIlaideyesonyouthatfirstdayinthe

kitchen,Iquicklyrealizedthatallofthefeelingshadn’treallygoneawayatall.I’djustbeensuppressing
them.Seeingyouagainasagrownwoman…itwasjarring.Ididn’tknowhowtohandleit.”

“Besidesbeingmean.”
“Atfirst,Iwasstillsofuckingangryatyou.Iwantedyoutobeabitchtome,sothatatleasttheanger

would be justified. But instead…you were sweet and full of regret. The object of my anger has slowly
beenshiftingfromyoutomyself…forwastingallthoseyearsinbitterness.So,youknowwhatthistattoo
representstomenow?”Hepaused.“Fuckingstupidity.”

“Iwasthestupidoneforeverleavingyou.I—”
“Letmefinish.I’vegottogetthisouttonight.”
“Alright.”
Thenextthingthatcameoutofhismouthwastotallyunexpected.
“Weneedtotalkaboutourattractiontoeachother,Amelia.”
Iswallowed.“Okay.”
“Thattextfromyourfriend…shewasright.IwanttofuckyousobadlyrightnowthatI’mpractically

shaking.Myconscienceistheonlythingstoppingme.It’swrongandsomessedup.”

Mybodywasinfluxuponhisadmission,unsureofwhethertofeelturnedonorsicktomystomach.
Hecontinued,“EversincethatdayIcaughtyouwatchingmeinmyroom…Ihaven’tbeenabletoget

yououtofmyhead.”

“Ishouldn’thavedonethat.”
“No,youshouldn’thave.Butthethingis…Icouldn’tevenbemadatyou,becauseyouwatchingme

jerkoffwasjustaboutthehottestfuckingthingI’veeverexperiencedinmylife.”

Wow.Ididn’tthinkhefeltthatwayaboutit.
“IfiguredyouthoughtIwasperverted.”
“Iwould’vedonethesamethingifIwalkedbyyourroomandsawyoutouchingyourself.”
“Youhaveabeautifulbody,Justin.Itwashardtolookaway.”
“Whatwereyouthinkingabout?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Whenyouwerewatchingme.Whatwereyouthinkingabout?”
Sincehewasbeingsohonestwithme,Idecidedtotellhimtheabsolutetruth.“IwasimaginingthatI

waswithyou.”

Hisbreathhitched,andheturnedawayforamomentbeforemakingeyecontact.“Haveyoualways

beenasattractedtomeasyouarenow?”

“Yes.Butevenmoresonow.Iknowit’swrong,Justin.”
“Rightorwrong,wecan’thelpwhowe’reattractedto.Idon’twanttowantyoulikethis.Justsitting

nexttoyourightnowishardforme.Butwantingsomeoneandactingonitaretwodifferentthings.That’s
whywhenyouweretouchingmyhair,Ihadtostopit.”

“Ireallywasn’ttryingtosleepwithyou.Ijustmissedtouchingyourhair.That’sall.Itwasselfish.”
“Believeme,Iunderstand.I’mnotinnocentinallofthis.I’velookedforexcusestotouchyou,too.

ButIhaveagirlfriend.WehaveagoodlifeinNewYork.There’snoexcuse.I’mstartingtofeellikemy

father,totallyoutofcontrolwithnoconcernforanyoneelse.”

“You’renotyourfather.”
“Mymotherwasjustasbad.”
“Well,you’renotyourparents.”
“Idon’twanttohurtyou,either,Patch.I’msofuckingconfused.Thissituationwithsharingthehouse

makesthingsveryawkward.”Heclosedhiseyesforalongmomentbeforecontinuing,“Maybeweshould
workoutanarrangementnextyear.”

“Arrangement?”
“Yeah,likemaybewealternatemonths,sothatwedon’thavetobehereatthesametime.”
Itfeltlikehe’dpunchedmeintheheart.
Icouldn’tbelievewhatIwashearing.
“Letmegetthisstraight.Youcan’ttrustyourselfaroundme,soyoudon’twanttophysicallyseeme

everagain?”

“That’snotit.”
“Thenwhyelsewouldyounotwanttobearoundme?”
Heraisedhisvoice,histoneborderingonangry.“DoyoureallyenjoyhearingmeandJadefucking?”
“No.But—”
“Well,Idon’twanttohearyoufuckinganyone,either.I’mtryingtoprotectbothofushere.”
Mybloodwasboiling.“So,you’dratherjustnotseemeatall?”
“Ididn’tsaythat.Butcomingupwithascheduleissomethingweshouldatleastconsider.Ithinkthat

wouldbeasmartoption.”

Thewordswereflyingoutofmymouth.“Ashardasthishasbeenforme,I’veneveronceconsidered

that.That’sthedifferencebetweenus.Iwoulddealwithanyamountofdiscomfortthatittookinorderto
haveyouinmylife.Iwouldneverchooseanyoptionthatinvolvedpretendingyoudidn’texist.Iwould
take any fragment of you than nothing at all. Clearly, you don’t feel the same about me. So, you know
what?NowthatIknowthat…I’mperfectlygoodwithaschedule.”Hottearsstreameddownmycheeks.

“Fuck,Patch.Don’tcry.”
IheldoutmyhandasIstoodup.“Please.Don’tcallmethatnameeveragain.”
Heburiedhisfaceinhishandsandyelledintothem,“Fuck!”
Istormedintothekitchenandopenedthebottleoftequila,pouringmyselfanothershot.Ididn’tbother

withthesaltorlimeandinsteadjustdrankitstraight.

JustingrabbedthebottlebeforeIcouldpouranother.“You’regonnamakeyourselfsick.”
“Thatwouldbenoneofyourconcern.”
Thedoorclickedopenatthatverymoment.Bothofourheadsturnedtowarditsimultaneously.
Hisfaceturnedpracticallywhitebeforeheflashedthefakestsmileandsaid,“Jade!”
She ran toward him so fast before wrapping her arms around him. “I couldn’t wait till tomorrow. I

missedyousomuch.”

Sheplantedherlipsonhis,andhisbodystiffened.Youcouldtellhewasuncomfortablekissingherin

frontofmeafterwhatwentdowntonight.

Shepulledawayfromhim.“Yousmellliketequila.”
“Yeah.Herfriendwashereandbroughtit.”
“Gladtoseeyoutwoarestillspeakingtoeachother.”Shelookedoveratmethenapproachedtogive

meahugandsaid,“Imissedyou,too,Amelia.”Guiltwasbuildingwithinmewitheachsecondthather
skinnyframepressedintome.

“I’msogladyou’reback,”Ilied.

Shetookalookatmyface.“Youreyeslookred.Areyouokay?”
“Yes.Ijustdranktoomuch.I’mnotusedtoit.”
“Tequilaisrough.”Shelaughed,lookingoveratthebottle.“Especiallycheapcraplikethat.”
Jade spent the next several minutes filling me in on all of the theater gossip from Broadway while

Justin and I stole awkward glances at each other. When she finished rambling, I decided I needed to
excusemyself.

“Well,I’mexhausted.I’mgonnaheadupstairs.”
“Hope we don’t disturb you too much tonight.” She winked and looked over at Justin. “It’s been a

while.”

Helookedstoicandextremelyuncomfortable.
“Don’tworryaboutme.Gototown,”Ibitout.
Upstairs in my room, I covered my ears with my pillow to mask the sound of his bed shaking.

Listening to them having sex was painful beyond belief, but it didn’t compare to the emptiness I was
feelingovertheconversationJustinandIhad.

Mystomachwasaching.Isuddenlyfeltviolentlyill.Runningtothebathroom,IsworethatIwould

never drink tequila again for as long as I lived, not only because it made me sick to my stomach, but
becauseitwouldalwaysremindmeofthismiserablenight.

CHAPTER9

Twodayslater,andIwasstillsick.Didhangoversevenlastthislong?Ihadbarelycomeoutofmyroom.
JustinandJadewerepreparingtoleavethesummerhouseandheadbacktothecityforgood.Icouldhear
them slowly packing up their stuff. It was still unclear exactly when they were taking off. Still so
incrediblyangryathissuggestionthatwescheduleourstaysatthehousenextsummer,Ihadnodesireto
facehimorevensaygoodbye.

Hehadn’tbotheredtocomecheckonme,either.WhenJadewouldpeekherheadin,Iwouldthank

herbuttellhertostayawayfrommesothatshedidn’tgetsickforherreturntoBroadway.Ipreferredthe
idea of not having to talk to them at all again before they left, but I was starting to realize that I really
neededtoleavemyroomlongenoughtopayavisittothedoctor.

Todaymusthavebeenmyluckydaybecausethey’dleftthehousetogetherjustlongenoughformeto

washupandsneakoutwithouthavingtofacethem.

WhenIarrivedattheclinic,theymademewaitaboutahalf-hourbeforebeingseen.Icouldn’trisk

goingtotheemergencyroomatNewportHospitalbecausethelastthingIneededwastoendupgetting
seenbyWillDanger.So,Idroveoutofthewaytofindthissmallwalk-infacility.

Anursefinallycalledme.“Amelia?”
I followed her down the winding hallways into a cold, small examination room where she had me

waitforanothertwentyminutes.Whenthedoctorfinallyshowed,Iexplainedallofmysymptoms:nausea,
vomiting,fatigue.ItoldherI’dbeenfeelingsickonandoffallsummerandadmittedtodrinkingalota
coupleofdaysprior,buttheyruledoutalcoholpoisoning.IalsomentionedJustin’sillnessincaseitwas
somehowrelatedtothat.

WhenIadmittedtonothavingseenadoctorinovertwoyears,sheinsistedonrunningsometestsjust

to be sure that everything was okay with me. She sent me down to the lab where a phlebotomist drew
bloodfrommyarm.Ialsopeedinacup.Thiswasturningouttobetoocomplicated.

The blood test results would be back in a few days. I was just about to leave the office when the

doctorcaughtmeoutinthereceptionarea.“Ms.Payne?”

“Yes?”
“Canyoucomebackintomyofficeforamomentplease?”
Myheartwasracing.Somethingdidn’tseemrightaboutthisscenario.Theytoldmetheywouldcall

me.Whatdidsheneedtoseemeaboutallofasudden?

“Asyouknow,thelabdownstairstookyourblood,andthoseresultswon’tbeinforabit,buttesting

the urine sample is a much quicker process. You had indicated that you weren’t sexually active, but it
turnsoutyou’repregnant.”

“That’snotpossible.”
“I’mafraiditis.”
“I’veevenhadmyperiod.”
“Thatcouldhavebeenspottingorsomeintermittentbleedingthatwasn’tmenstruation.Youmentioned

thatyou’dbeendrinkingalotlately.Isitpossiblethatyouhadsexualrelationsthatyouareunawareof?”

“Absolutelynot.”
Wrackingmybrain,IthoughtbacktothelasttimeIhadsex.ItwaswithAdamafewmonthsago—the

nightwebrokeup.We’dalwaysusedcondoms,soitseemedimpossible.

“Areyousure?”
“Thesetestsarequiteaccurate,yes.”
“Canyourunitagain?”
“I’lltellyouwhat.There’sanOBGYNofficeinthisbuilding.Iftheycansqueezeyouin,I’llseeif

theywouldbewillingtodoaquicksonogram.Ican’tguaranteethattheywillhavetheavailability,but
I’llcallthem.Whydon’tyouwaitinthereceptionarea?”

Itseemedlikethey’dmademewaitforever.Iwascertainthatthiswasallamistakeandthus,ahuge

wasteoftime.

The doctor peeked her head into the waiting area. “Ms. Payne? Good news. They’ll take you right

now.JusttaketheelevatorbackdowntothefirstfloorandlookforReidObstetrics.AskforDoris.She’s
theultrasoundtechnician.Ourofficealreadypassedalongallofyourinsuranceinformation.”

“Thankyou.”
WhenIgottotheofficedownstairs,agirlaboutmyage,wearingscrubswithMickeyMouseheadsall

overtheshirtwaswaitingformesmiling.“Amelia?”

“Yes.”
“Hi.Comerightthisway.”
Doristookmeintoadarkroom.Itwasmuchwarmerthanthecoldexaminationofficeupstairs,and

therewassoftmusicplayingontheradio.

“Firstoff,Congratulations.”ShehadaslightSpanishaccent.
“Oh,I’mnotpregnant.Ihaveavirus.Thisisjusttoconfirmthattheymadeamistakewiththeurine

test.”

Shelookedamused.“Thosetestsareveryaccurate.”
“Theyusuallyare,butnotinthiscase,”Isaidmatter-of-factly.
Ignoring my comment, she pointed to my shirt. “Can you lift this for me? I’m just gonna put some

warmgelonyourbelly.”

Thetubemadeaweirdsquirtingsoundwhenshesqueezedthecleargelontomystomach.Shetouched

the nozzle to my abdomen and pressed down a bit. A fuzzy white image appeared on the screen, and
withinseconds,Isawit.Notjustablob,butahugeheadandarms.Itwasmovingandlookedgigantic.

“Amelia,Ipresenttoyou…yourvirus.Asyoucansee,ithasaheartthat’sbeatingrighthere,andit

lookslikeallthepartsarewheretheyshouldbe.Youaremostdefinitelycarryingachild.”

Itfeltliketheroomwasspinning.
“Howcanthisbe?”
“I’m sure you can figure it out if you think hard enough. You look to be about twelve weeks along,

whichwouldputyourduedatesomewhereattheendofMarch.”

Threemonthsago.AlmostexactlythelasttimeIwaswithAdam.Adamwhocheatedonme.Adam

whowaslivinginBostonwithAshlyn.AdamwhoIhated.ThatAdam.

IwascarryingAdam’sbaby.
The technician went on, “Unfortunately, it’s a little too early to tell the sex, but we can make you

another appointment if you want for your eighteen-week visit, and we should be able to determine the
genderthen.You’llseethedoctornexttimefirst,though.”

“I’llprobablyseeadoctoroutinProvidencewhereIlivemostoftheyear,butthankyou.”
Dazedandconfused,Iwatchedindisbeliefassheprintedoutthreepicturesofmybabyandhanded

themtome.Istareddownattheimagesofthealiencreatureandthendownatmystomach,whichbarely
lookedanydifferenttome.Ijustlookedalittlebloatedandhadattributedthattostressanddrinking.

OhmyGod.Drinking!
I’dbeendrinkingalcoholandcoffeefusion.Wasthebabyevenokay?
Feelingnumb,Iexitedthemedicalbuildingandsatinmycarforseveralminutesbeforeconjuringup

enoughenergytodrivehome.Theoutsidelookeddifferent.Grayer.Scarier.Thefutureseemedcompletely
uncertain.Forthefirsttimeinmonths,somethingotherthanJustinwasconsumingmymind.

***

Back home, Justin and Jade were cooking dinner in the kitchen while I lay in my bed clutching my
stomachindisbelief.I’dmanagedtosneakbackintomyroombeforetheyreturnedtothehousewiththeir
groceries, so I still hadn’t made contact with them. The sound of Jade’s laughing from downstairs was
drivingmenutsunderthecircumstances.

I was still in shock. It seemed like I was in the middle of a horrible dream. This pregnancy felt

impossibletobelieve.

How was I possibly going to raise a child? I could barely take care of myself. My salary wasn’t

enoughtocoverthecostofdaycare.Thereweresomanythingsthatwereupintheair.Thesoundofthe
frontdoorslamminginterruptedmyfranticthoughtprocess.BeforeIcouldwonderifthey’dleft,Iheard
footstepscomingupthestairsandapproachingmyroom.

Therewasaknockatthedoor.
“Whoisit?”
“It’sme.”Theunexpectedsoundofhislowvoicemademeshiver.
“Whatdoyouneed?”
“CanIcomein?”
Igotupandansweredthedoor.“What?”
Helookedtired,likehe’dbeenrunragged.
“Youlookexhausted.Toomuchsex?”Iscoffed.
Ignoringthequestion,hesaid,“Jadeismakingguacamole.We’reoutoflimes,sosheranbacktothe

store.It’sthefirstopportunityI’vehadtotalktoyoualone.Wedon’thavemuchtime.”

“Whatdoyouneedtosay?”
“Whyhaven’tyoucomeoutofyourroom?”
“Isn’tthatwhatyouwanted…formetodisappear?”
Lookingfilledwithregret,Justinshookhisheadslowlyandwhispered,“No.”
“No?”
“No.Thescheduleideawasasinine.I’msorryIeversuggestedit.”
“Well,guesswhat?”
“What?”
“It’snolongergoingtobehardforyoutoresistme.Therewon’tbeadilemma.BecausewhenItell

youwhatIfoundouttoday,you’llneverhaveasingleinappropriatethoughtaboutmeagain.Youwon’t
wantanythingtodowithme.Yourbiggestnightmare…justbecamemyreality,Justin.”

His eyelids were fluttering in an attempt to decipher my words. “What the fuck are you talking

about?”

Burstingintotears,Isatbackdownonmybedandburiedmyfaceinmyhands.Iwassuddenlyalltoo

awareofmypregnancyhormones.Justin,whohadneverseenmecrytothisextent,satdownnexttome
andpulledmeintohisarms.Thatonlypromptedmetosobharder.

“Amelia…talktome.Please.”

“I went to see a doctor. It was just supposed to be a routine check-up. I’d been sick…just like you

were…”

“Didsomeonehurtyouoverthere?”
Wipingmynosewithmysleeve,Icried,“No.It’snothinglikethat.”
“Whatthen?”
“Thedoctorransometests.Oneofthemwasapregnancytest.”Soashamed,Ipulledbacktolookat

hisface.

“You’re…pregnant?”
Myvoicewaspracticallyinaudible.“Yes.”
“Howcanthatbe?”
“I’mthreemonthsalong.It’sAdam’s.”
“Thatassholedidn’tuseacondomwithyou?”
“That’sthething.Wediduseone.Idon’tknowhowthishappened.Clearly,they’renotfoolproof.”
“Isittoolatetoterminateit?”
“Did you not hear me say I was three months along? Yes, it’s too late! Even so, I could never go

throughwithanabortion.”

Justin got up from the bed and started to pace. “Alright…alright, I’m sorry. I was just thinking out

loud,makingsureyouknowwhatyouroptionsare.”

“I’msoscared.”
Jade’svoicecalledfromdownstairs,“Justin?I’mback!”
Hestoppedpacing.“Shit.”
“Pleasedon’ttellJade,”Ibegged.“Idon’twantanyonetoknowyet.”
“Okay.Ofcourse.”
“You’dbettergo.”
Hewouldn’tmovefromhisspot.“Amelia…”
“Go!Justgo.Idon’twanthertoseemecrying.”
Stilllookingshockedandconfused,Justinquietlyslippedoutoftheroom.
I spent the rest of that night surfing the Internet for information on what to expect in the next six

months.IhadtofigureouthowIwasgoingtotellAdam.Hemightnotwantanythingtodowithit,buthe
stillneededtoknow.

***

JustinandJadewerepackingupthecar.I’dalreadysaidmygoodbyestoJadeoveranearlybreakfastbut
hadn’thadachancetospeaktoJustin.Theywouldbetakingoffbacktothecityanyminute.Icouldn’t
believe this day was finally here. It was both dreaded and a relief all at once. Seeing him every day
wouldhavebeenevenharder,knowingthatwithoutashadowofadoubt,therewasnolongerthechance
ofafutureforus.Justindidn’twantkidsofhisown,letalonetoraisesomeoneelse’s.Thispregnancy
wasthefinalnailinthecoffin.MaybeIwouldtakehimuponthatschedulefornextsummer.Betteryet,
maybeIwouldneedtosellhimmyhalfofthehouse.Asmuchasthatthoughtwasheartbreaking,Ididn’t
knowwhatkindoffinancialsituationIwouldbeinafterthebabycame.

Standingatmybedroomwindow,Ilookeddownastheyplacedsuitcasesandboxesintothebackof

theRangeRover.Atonepoint,Justinhappenedtolookupatme.Hehelduphisindexfingerasiftotell
metowaitforsomething.Soonafter,InoticedthathewhisperedinJade’sear.Afewsecondslater,she
tookoffinthecar.

Thesoundofhisfootstepssoonfollowed.Then,heappearedatmydoor.
Lookingmorose,hesaid,“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Howareyouholdingup?”
“Nottoogood.”
“IaskedJadetogogetgassothatIcouldsaygoodbye,findoutifthereisanythingyouneedbefore

weleave.”

“No.I’mfine.Youneedtogetbacktoyourlife.”
“Ifeelbadleavingyoulikethis.”
“I’llbeheadinghomeinacoupleofdaysanyway.ThesoonerIgetbacktoProvidenceandprepare

forthisnewreality,thebetterIwillbe.”

“Patch…”
“Don’tcallmethatnameanymore.”Tearssprungtomyeyes.“NotbecauseI’mmadatyou…itjust

makesmesad.”Mylipstrembled.

“Okay,”hesaidsoftly.
“Whatwereyougoingtosay?”
“Ifyouneedanything…anythingatall…pleasecallme.Promisemeyou’llkeepmeupdatedonwhat’s

happening.”

“Iwill.”
“LetmeknowwhenI’mallowedtotellJade.”
“Okay.It’snotlikeIcanhideitmuchlonger.”
Hiseyeswanderedtothebed.Earlier,I’dbeenlookingatthesnapshotsfromtheultrasoundandhad

leftthemlyingoutintheopen.Hewalkedoverandpickedthemup.Hestaredattheimagesandlooked
mesmerized.“Thatthingisinsideofyou?You’rehardlyshowing.”

“Iknow.”
Heshookhisheadwhileexaminingthephotos.“God,thisissostrange.IthinkI’mstillinshock.”
“Youwouldn’tbetheonlyone.”
Heplacedthepicturesbackonthebedandwasstaringintospace,deepinthought.Hereachedhis

handintohispocketandtookouttheredpocketknife.“Iwantyoutokeepit.YouneeditmorethanIdo.
Keepitbyyourbedatnight.It’llmakemefeelbetterbecauseIfeelfuckinghelplessrightnow.”

Iwasn’tgoingtoarguewithhim.“Okay.”
Hisgazemovedtothewindow.WecouldbothseethatJadewaspullingin.
Iwipedmyeyes.“You’dbettergo.”
Hedidn’tmove.
Westaredlongandhardintoeachother’seyesuntilweheardJadeenteringthehouse.
Then,heslippedaway.

PARTTWO

EIGHTMONTHSLATER

CHAPTER10

IfeltlikeIwasbreakingintosomeone’sproperty,eventhoughitwashalfmyown.

Everything looked the same as we’d left it. The beach house was freezing. The heat needed to be

turnedon.ItwasthemiddleofMayandstillfairlycoolontheisland.Iwasn’tsupposedtoreturnuntilthe
end of June, but the house where I rented an apartment got sold, forcing me to leave. That gave me no
choicebuttoheadtoNewportearly,otherwisewewouldhavebeenhomeless.Iwasalreadyonmaternity
leavethroughtheendoftheschoolyear,soitmadesense.

We’dbeenunabletofindtemporarytenantsintheoffseasonhere,sothebeachhousestayedempty.

An unexpected feeling of longing overwhelmed me. This place used to remind me of Nana; now it
remindedmeofJustin.Icouldpracticallysmellhiscologneinthekitchen.Itwasmyimagination,butit
feltreal.Ialsoimaginedhimstandingnearthecoffeepot,smirkingwhilestirringhiscoffeefusion…his
bare muscled back as he looked out the window toward the ocean…the lick, slam, suck as he drank
tequila.Gazingtowardthelivingroom,IrememberedourawkwardfinalnightbeforeJadereturned.

Closingmyeyesforamoment,Iimagineditwaslastsummerwhenlifewassosimple.Then,thelittle

crycomingfromthebabycarrierstrappedtomychestsnappedmebacktoreality.

Bea’sheadwiggledbackandforthinsearchofmybreast.“Wait…wait.Ihavetotakeyououtofthis

thingfirst.”RemovingherfromtheBabyBjorn,Ibabbled,“Youweresogoodduringtheride.Youmust
bestarving,huh?”

Shit.Mostofmystuffwasstillinthecar.Icarriedmytwo-month-olddaughteroutsidetoretrievethe

breastfeedingpillowfrommybackseat.Tracyhadboughtitforme,insistingitwastheoneitemI’dneed
themost,andshewasright.Itwasbrightpinkwithwhitedaisiesandanabsolutenecessityinorderto
feedthisconstantlyhungrybabywithoutbreakingmyback.Istoppedforamomenttoadmiretheocean
beforereturninginside.

Bea was short for Beatrice. She was named after my grandmother. My baby girl was born in mid-

March,oneweekbeforeherduedate.Adamchosenottobethere.Hesaidhewantedproofthatthebaby
washis,anduntilthen,hewasn’tgoingtoacknowledgeherashisdaughter.Becausewe’dusedcondoms,
heassumedthatitwasunlikelythathecouldbethefather.HewastheonlypersonI’dsleptwithbefore
gettingpregnant,buttherewassimplynowaytoprovethattohimifhedidn’ttakemywordforit.Ididn’t
wantthestressofhavingtogetBea’sblooddrawnrightnow,andhewasinnohurrytobethereforus,so
Ichosetoputoffdealingwithhim.Hisbitch,Ashlyn,wassurelyworkingthissituationbehindthescenes,
andIwassureshewastellinghimthatIwasaliar.Withmuchbiggerfishtofry,Ididn’tneedthatshit
rightnow.Lifewastoostressfulasitwas.

WhenBeafinishedfeeding,shefellasleepagain.Islowlypulledheroffofmybreastandplacedher

intheinfantseat.Iusedtherarebreaktoheadbackoutsideandretrievetherestofouritems.Mostofmy
stuff was in storage back in Providence. But I did bring all of our clothes and Bea’s bassinet. I would
havetopurchaseacribandfigureouthowtoassembleit.

A man with dark curls who looked to be in his early thirties approached me. His big brown eyes

beamed. “Hey, neighbor. I saw your car. I was wondering when I’d get to meet the occupants of this
gorgeoushome.”

Ipointedtothehousejusttotherightofmine.“Youliveinthatonerightthere?”

“Yes.Movedinbackinthefall.I’moneoftherareyear-roundfolks,apparently.”
“Well,you’vemetCheri,right?She’salsoyear-round.”
“Yup,butIthinkthat’saboutit.”
Laughing,Isaid,“You’reprobablyright.”
Heheldouthishand.“RogerManning.”
“Nicetomeetyou…AmeliaPayne.”
“Iseeyouhavebabystuffinhere.Doyouhavekids?”
“Oh…justone.MydaughterwasborninMarch.She’sinsidesleeping.”
“Ihaveadaughter,too.She’ssevenandliveswithhermotherinCalifornia.”
“Youmustmissher.”
“Youhavenoidea.IworkfortheNavy,soI’vebeenstationedouthereforawhile.Afterhermom

andIgotdivorced,myexwantedtomovebackWesttobeclosertoherfamily.”

“Isee.”
“WillIgettomeetyourhusband?”
“Oh…I’m not married. It’s sort of a long story. I’m not with the father of my child. It was an

accidentalpregnancy.”

“I’msorrytohearthat.”
“Don’tbe.It’sablessing.”
Rogerpeekedinsidemytrunk.“CanIhelpyoucarrytherestofthisstuffin?”
My fear of trusting this virtual stranger was overridden by my fatigue. Bea hadn’t been letting me

sleep,andIwelcomedanyhelpIcouldgetcarryingallofthiscrapinside.

“Thatwouldbegreat.”
Rogerunloadedalloftheitemsfromthecarintothehouse,evenbringingthebassinetupstairsforme

andsettingitupnexttomybed.

Afterwewalkedbackdownthestairstogether,hekneltdowntogetalookatBeawhileshesleptin

hercarseatonthelivingroomfloor.

Hewhispered,“She’sprecious.”
“Thank you. She likes to sleep during the day and keep me up at night. They say to sleep when the

babysleeps,butIcan’t.Ihavetoomuchtogetdonewhenshe’ssleeping.”

He stood up and lingered a bit then said, “Well, if there’s anything you need, I’m right next door.

Seriously…ifsomethingbreaks,oryouneedhelpliftingsomething…don’thesitate.”

“Ireallyappreciatethatmorethanyouknow.Thankyou.”
Whenthedoorshut,asmilespreadacrossmyface.PoorRogerhadnocluehe’dbeassemblingacrib

soon.

WithBeastillsleeping,Idecidedtoheadupstairsandputsomeofourclothesaway.Onthewayto

mybedroom,Icouldn’thelpstoppinginJustin’sroom.Ilaydownandsniffedthepillowonhissideofthe
bed.Thistimeitwasn’tmyimagination;itstillsmelledlikehiscologne.Therewasthefeelingoflonging
again.Ihuggedthepillow,andateardropfelldownmycheek.I’ddoneadecentjobofharboringthese
feelingsforalmostayear.Thiswasthemomentitallunraveled.

Imissyou.
Justinhadcalledandtextedmemanytimesoverthepastseveralmonths.IwouldlethimknowIwas

okaybutinsistedthatIdidn’tneedhishelp.Hewasn’tveryactiveonsocialmediaasidefrompostinga
few pictures from gigs—mostly of his audiences—here and there on Instagram. I would stalk Jade’s
Facebook page for small glimpses into their life in the city, so envious of their freedom. I missed him
terriblybutknewthatdistancingmyselfwasforthebest.

RightafterBea’sbirth,Itextedhimapictureofher.Heonceagainofferedhelp,bothmonetarilyand

otherwise. I’d always refused. He and Jade ended up sending me a generous gift card to Babies R Us,
whichIusedtobuyBea’sbassinetandbouncyseat.

Ihadn’ttoldhimIgotkickedoutofmyapartment.Iwasashamedanddidn’twanttheofferofcharity

again.So,hedidn’tknowIwaslivinghereyet.Ireallyhopedthatbysomemiracle,theywouldstayaway
for as long as possible this summer. I doubted they would appreciate getting woken up by Bea several
timesinthemiddleofthenightanyway.Truthfully,though,therealreasonIdidn’twanttoseehimwas
simplythatitwouldbetoopainful.

***

Almost a month passed with no sign of Justin and Jade. I was finally getting acclimated to life on the
islandagain.

Rogerendedupassemblingthatcribforme.Itwaswhite,andI’dboughtabeddingsetonlinewiththe

remainder of my gift card. Roger and I were becoming friendly. Knowing that it wasn’t easy for me to
leavethehouse,he’doccasionallybringmecoffeeorfreshseafoodfromthedock.EventhoughIsensed
he might be attracted to me, he wasn’t making any moves, which was a good thing, because I was
certainlyinnopositiontobedatinganyone.

Bea was going through a rough patch. She was colicky and still not sleeping much. It didn’t matter

how much I fed her, she always wanted more. When I did manage to leave the house, I took her
everywherewithme,tothemarket,todoctorappointments.Ihadn’tbeenoutalonesincethedayshewas
born.Itwasjustthetwoofus.Iwasfinewiththat.Theonlytimessadnesswouldcreepintendedtobe
lateatnightwhenIwasmosttiredandwornoutfromtheday.

One such evening, rain was pelting my bedroom window. Bea was screaming and crying. She’d

drainedmybreastsofmilkyetwouldn’ttakeabottle.Startingtoseestarsfromfatigue,Ijustwantedto
sleepsobadly.Ibrokeoutintears.Itfeltlikethistypeoftorturewouldbesuitableforprisoninmates.
How was I going to continue to live on no sleep? How would I ever go back to work, and who could
possiblytakecareofherthewayIdid?Afeelingofhelplessnessconsumedmeasthunderrolledinthe
distance.Whatifwelostpower?HowwouldIchangeherdiaperinthedark?Itdawnedonmethatwe
didn’t even have any candles. A minor panic attack started to brew within me. Deciding to head
downstairs,IslowlydescendedthestepsasIheldontoBeacarefully.

Ahalf-hourlater,myemotionshadonlygottenworse.Mynipplesweresoreandcracked.Beawas

still colicky in my arms. The front door rattled, and full on panic ensued. A rush of adrenaline hit as I
franticallyreachedintomypocketforJustin’spocketknife.ImadesureIworepajamaswithpocketsfor
thatveryreason.

Someonewasbreakingintothehouse.
Itoccurredtomethatmycellphonewasupstairs.Beawasscreaming,sowecouldn’tevenhide.The

doorwasshakingagain.

“Damnkey,”Iheardhimsayasthedooropened.
Hiseyesbuggedoutofhisheadashecaughtsightofme.Beawashangingoffmyboob.Myhairwas

disheveled,andIwasstifflypointinghisownknifeathim.

“Justin.”

CHAPTER11

Heturnedhisheadawayfromme.“Whatthefuck,Amelia.Putdowntheknifeandcoveryourtit.”

His surprise arrival had startled me so much that I hadn’t even realized that one of my breasts was

stickingoutofmynursingbra.Iwasn’twearingashirtbecauseIrarelysleptwithone.Itwaseasierto
nurseherinjustthebra.WithBeainonearm,Iwalkedovertothekitchenandgrabbedmycardiganoffof
oneofthestoolsbeforecoveringmyselfup.

The scene was chaotic as I fumbled with my sweater and spoke through Bea’s excruciating cries,

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

“Doyoualwayshangaroundthehouseinjustabranow?Ifso,we’regonnahaveaproblem.”
“Ididn’tthinkyou’dshow.It’searlierintheseasonthanyouarrivedlastyear.Whydidn’tyoucallme

first?”

“Forone,Ididn’tthinkyou’dbehere.Ineededtoescapethecityforawhile.Iwasgonnaspenda

coupleofweeksopeningupthehouse,gettingitreadybeforeyouarrived.”

Bea’scrieshadn’twaned.Ibouncedherupanddowninanattempttocalmher.
“What’swrongwithher?”
“She’scolicky.Ican’tproduceenoughmilktosatisfyher,andshewon’ttakeformula.”
HeslowlyapproachedwhereIwasstandingandtookapeekatBea’sface.Hismouthcurvedintoa

slightsmile.“Shelookslikeyou.”

“Iknow.”
Nowthathewasclosetome,hetookagoodlookatmeaswell.“JesusChrist,Amelia.”
“What?”
“Youlooklikeyou’vebeenthroughawar.”
“That’sanotherwayofsayingIlooklikeshit?”
“Youreyesarebloodshot…hairisknotted.Fuck.You’reamess.”
“Youdon’tthinkI’mawareofthat?”
“Haveyoubeensleeping?”
“No. I get very little sleep. She’s going through a rough patch, keeps me up at night and sleeps

sporadicallyduringtheday.”

“You’vegottheroughpatchpartright.”
“Veryfunny.”
“Youcan’tlivelikethis.”
“WhatexactlydoyousuggestIdo?”
“Youcanstartbytakingashower.”
“Ican’tjustleavehercryinglikethis.”
“Diditeveroccurtoyouthatmaybeshe’scryingbecauseyoustink?”Hechuckled.
I was speechless for a moment before breaking out into laughter at my own expense. My God. He

couldtechnicallyberight.

“Youmighthaveapoint.”
“I’llholdherwhileyoubathe.”
“Really?You’ddothat?”

“IsaidIwould.”
“Haveyoueverheldaninfant?”
“No.”
“Areyousureyou’reokaywiththis?”
“Icanhandleit.”
There was no way I could pass up this opportunity. The thought of a hot shower right now seemed

absolutelyheavenly.

HandinghercarefullytoJustin,Iwarned,“Watchherhead.Makesureitdoesn’tbendtoofarback.

Supportherneckwithyourarm.”

“I’vegotit.”
Bea looked so tiny in his big arms. She seemed to like being there too; the little bugger stopped

crying.

“You’vegottobekiddingme.”
“What?”heasked.
“Haven’tyounoticedthatshestoppedcrying?”
“Itoldyou.Maybeyousmell.”
“Maybe.”Ilaughed.“Oritcouldjustbethatyou’reachickmagnet,andthattitleextendstoinfantsas

well.”

He rocked his body back and forth to soothe her and waved me off. “Shh. Go, Amelia. Before she

losesitagain.”

“Okay.”Iturnedaroundatthefootofthestairs.“Thankyou…somuch.”
Upstairs,asthehotwaterpoureddownonme,IthankedGodforJustinshowingupwhenhedid.Ihad

reallybeenonmylastlegofsanity.Muchlikehe’dalwaysdonewhenwewerekids,Justincamethrough
exactlywhenIneededit.Evenifitwasn’tintentional,hewasmyherotonight.

Feeling somewhat human again, I stepped out of the shower and got dressed as fast as I could. The

fact that it was quiet downstairs didn’t escape me. Still, I felt like I needed to get dressed fast in case
Justinwaslosingpatience—orworse,ifBeahadpooped.

TherealitywhenIgotdownstairswasfarfromwhatIimagined.Bea’sbackwasrisingandfallingas

she lay stomach down on Justin’s chest. She was out like a light. He was just sitting on the couch, and
thingswereaspeacefulascouldbe.Whenhesawmeapproaching,heheldhisindexfingertohismouth
tosignifythatIshouldbequiet.

Sittingdownonthecouchnexttohim,Ijuststaredinamazement.Hedidn’tevenhavetodoanything

except exist, and he was somehow able to get her to sleep. Who knew that Justin “I Don’t Ever Want
Children”BankswastheBabyWhisperer.

Heturnedtome.“Whydon’tyougosleep?”
“Whatifshewakesup?”
“I’lldealwithit.”
“She’llwakeupwantingtoeat.”
“ThenI’llbringherupstairsifthathappens.Fornow,she’sfine.”
“Areyousure?”
“Amelia…”
“Yeah?”
“Doesitlooklikewe’regoinganywhereanytimesoon?”Heshooedmeaway.“Go!”
“Thankyou,”Imouthedbeforeheadingupstairs.
I barely remembered my head hitting the pillow. It was the longest I’d slept straight since the day

beforemydaughterwasborn.

Sixhourslater,thesoundofBeacryingwokeme.Rubbingmyeyes,IcouldseeJustinstandinginthe

doorwaywithher.

“ItriedtoputoffcominguphereaslongasIcould…”Hewalkedovertomeandplacedherinmy

arms.“I’llleavesoyoucanfeedher.I’mgonnahitthesackforabit.”

“Thankyouagainsomuch.Ineededthatsleepsobadly.”
“Itwasnoproblem.”
Afterheleft,Itookoutmybreast,andBealatchedonimmediately.Shesmelledlikehim.Ibreathedin

themasculinescent,andasexualdesirethathadbeenlongsuppressedcamealiveinme.Itfeltsogood
nottobetheonlyadultinthishouseanymore,butIneededtokeepmyfeelingsincheck.Whateverittook,
IwasnotgoingtoletmyselfbecomeobsessiveoverJustinagain.Beingresponsibleforanotherhuman
beingmeantIcouldnolongeraffordtobecomeanemotionalwreck.

***

It was mid-afternoon when Justin came downstairs. Bea was strapped to my chest in the carrier as I
cleanedthekitchen.

“Goodmorning.”Ismiled.
“Hey,”hesaidgroggily.
Justlikethat,mybodyawakenedwithanintenseneed.Hewastheverydefinitionofscruffy.Hishair

was disheveled, and in the daylight, it became apparent that he’d been growing out his stubble. A gray
fittedt-shirtlookedlikeithadbeenpaintedontohismuscles.Don’tgetmestartedonhowgoodhisass
lookedinthosegympants.

“Howisshe?”heasked.MybodyreactedevenmoreashesteppedclosertopeekinonBea.
“She’sasleep.”
“Thatfigures.Thesunisshining.Ishould’veknown.”Hesearchedmyeyes.“Howareyou?”
“I’mfeelinggood.Youwereamazinglastnight.”
“That’swhattheyalwayssay.”Hewinked.
Rollingmyeyes,Isaid,“Thankyouagain.”
“Stop thanking me.” His face turned serious. “You know…all those times I’d asked how you were

doing,youtoldmeyouwereokay.Youdidn’tlookfuckingokaytomelastnight.Youwerelying.”

“Justin,thiswholethingismyresponsibility.Whatisanyoneelsegonnareallydoforme?”
“Hasyourmotherevencometovisit?”
“She came to the hospital when Bea was born, but she didn’t offer to stay to help. She’s more

concerned with things like traveling to Cancun with her boyfriend and hawking those multi-colored
leggingsallovertheInternet,apparently.Youknow,priorities.”

“Unfuckingbelievable.”Helookedaroundthehousethensaid,“Nanawouldhavehelped.”
“Yes, she would have.” I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking of my grandmother before my

thoughtsshiftedtomymotheragain.“AsforPatricia,Idon’twantherwithmeanyway.Havingtodeal
withherwouldbeliketakingcareoftwobabies.”

“Sheshouldstillhavethedecencytoofferhelp,evenifyourefused.”
“Iagree.”
Hescratchedhishead.“Iforgottobringmycoffeewithme.Doyouhaveanylyingaround?”
“Actually, I stopped drinking coffee fusion when I found out I was pregnant. The withdrawal was

killer.Idohavesomehalf-cafinthecupboard.”

“I guess that’ll have to do for now.” He glanced over at Bea. “You don’t think all that fusion did

anythingtoher,doyou?”

“Youmeanwhyhersleepingiserratic?”
“Ifeelguiltygettingyouhookedonthatshit.Neitherofusknewwhatwasgoingon.”
“Don’teven.Itwasn’tyourfault.Lookather.She’sfine.”
Herubbedhischinandgrinned.“Yeah.Sheseemsalright.”
“I’mgonnatrytoputherupstairsinthecrib.Then,I’llcomedownandmakesomecoffee.”
“I’vegotit,”Justinsaid.
“Yousure?”
“Yep.”
AfterIputBeadown,JustinwaspreparingtwomugswhenIreturnedtothekitchen.
“Stilltakecreamandsugar?”heasked.
“Yeah.Thanks.”
“Howisshe?”
“Sleepinglikeababy.”
“Good.”Heslidmymugtowardme.
ItookasipandaskedthequestionI’dbeendyingto.“Whydidn’tJadecomewithyou?”
“She’sgotaregularroleinanewmusicalcalledTheAlleyCats.Shecan’tleavethecity.”
“She’snotcomingatall?”
“I’mnotsure.”
“Howlongareyoustaying?”
Hestirredhiscoffeeandshookhishead.“Idon’tknow.”
Dreadfilledme.Justinhadonlybeenhereoneday,andIwasalreadysadforthedayhe’dbeleaving

mealoneagain.

“Well,I’mgladyou’rehere.”
WedrankcoffeeinsilenceuntilInoticedJustinstaringdownatmybreasts.
Coughing,heasked,“Didyouspillcoffeeonyourself?”
I looked down and sure enough, breast milk was leaking from my nipples, forming two giant wet

spots.“Shit.No.I’mleakingmilk.I’dgochange,butit’sjustgonnahappenagainuntilshewakesup.”

“Jesus.I’msogladI’mnotawoman.”
God.I’mgladyou’renotawoman,too.
“Welcometomylife.”Whenhecontinuedtolookdown,Ijoked,“Youdon’thavetolook.Myeyes

areuphere.”

“Yourtitsaremassive.Youhavetoknowthat.”
“Oh,I’mquiteaware.It’sasupplyanddemandissue.Themoreshedrinks—whichisallthetime—

themoreImake.It’sallshewantstodowhenshe’sawake.”

“Ican’tsayIblameher.”
Iknewmyfacewasturningred.Whatwashappeningtome?Icouldn’tbeawalkingzombieonno

sleep and deal with this infatuation again. I didn’t even feel sexy anymore. Nevertheless, I was falling
rightbackintothepatternoflustingafterthisman.

“Well,eventhoughmybreastsarebigger,I’velostweight.”
“Oh,Inoticed.Youhaven’tbeeneating?”
“NotaswellasIshould.Iforcemyselftoeatcheesesticksandrawvegetables,butI’mgenerallytoo

drainedtocookanythingsubstantial.”

“Whenwasthelasttimeyouhadahome-cookedmeal?”

“Can’tevenremember.TheonlytimesI’vebotheredtocookiswhentheneighborbringsmeseafood

fromthedock.”

“Whatneighbor?”
“Roger.”
“Roger.”
“Yes.Hemovedintothehousethatwasvacantlastsummer.Youknow,theblueone?”
“Really…”Heglaredatme.“Whatelsedoeshebringyou?”
“Coffeesometimes.”
“Letmeguess.He’ssingle.”
“Yes…divorced,buthe’sjustafriend.He’sbeenhelpful.Heactuallyassembledthecribforme.”
“Right.Ofcoursehedid.Noguydoesthatshitwithoutanulteriormotive,Amelia.”
“Noteveryguy’sthesame.”
“Andnoteveryfuckinggirllookslikeyou.Trustme,thatguyiswaitinginthewings.Justbeawareof

thatandbecautious.”

Feeling hot from the compliment, I cleared my throat. “Well, it wouldn’t matter if he had ulterior

motivesornot.Clearly,I’minnoconditiontobewithaman.Ican’tevenbathehalfthetime.”

“Youshouldn’tbelettingstrangemenintothishousesoeasily.You’reinaveryvulnerableposition

rightnow.Thisguyknowsthat.”

“Well,Iwasdesperateforhelp,so…”
“Youshouldhavecalledme.”
“You’reinNewYork.Thatwouldn’thavemadesense.He’srightnextdoor.”
“Iwouldhavecomeforthedayifyouneededme.”
“I don’t want to be a burden on you, Justin. I need to find my own way.” Even though a part of me

lovedthathe’dsaidthat,anotherpartwasequallyconfused.“Justlastsummeryouweresuggestingthat
weavoideachotheraltogether.”Mytonewasbitter.“Forgivemeifyouweren’tthefirstpersonIthought
tocallwhenIneededhelp.”

His expression darkened. “Fuck, Amelia. Really? You’re gonna bring that up again? Do you really

thinkthatwaswhatItrulywanted?IwasdrunkasshitthatnightandsayinganddoinganythingIcouldto
keepmyfuckingdickinmypants.IthoughtIalreadyexplainedsuggestingthattoyouwasamistake.”

“Okay.I’msorry.”Iheldoutmyhands.“Idon’twanttofight.”
“Good.”Heexhaledandchangedthesubject.“So,ItoldSalvatoreIcouldplayafewnightshereand

thereifhewanted.ButIdidn’tcommittoanythinglongterm.”

“Becauseyou’renotsurehowlongyou’restaying?”
“Right.”
“Well,hemustbesohappytohaveyoubackevenifjustforafewnights.”
“Yeah.Hewas.”
“IwishIcouldgowatchyouplay.”
“Whycan’tyou?”
“Ican’ttakeBeatoSandy’s.She’dstartcryinginthemiddleofyoursongs.AndifIhadtofeedher

there,itwouldbeawkward.”

“Sowhatifshecried?Peoplewilljusthavetodealwithit.Andyoucouldgotothebackroomto

feedher.Youneedtogetthefuckoutofthehouse.”

“MaybeI’llconsiderit.”
He suddenly got up and put his mug in the sink. “I’ve got to get some work done. I’ll make dinner

tonight,sodon’tfillupontoomanyrawveggies.”

“That’llbeawesome.”

***

Beasleptforatleastafewhoursthatafternoon,allowingmetogetlaundryandotherchoresdone.Justin
spentmostofthedayholedupinhisroomworking.

When he finally came downstairs, he had just showered and was buttoning his black button-down

shirt.

Helookedtoogoodtobestayinghometonight.“AreyouplayingatSandy’s?”
“No.Nottonight.”
“Ididn’tthinkso.It’sjustthatyou’realldressedup.”
“YourememberTomfromSandy’s?”
“Theoldnightmanager?”
“Yeah.ItoldhimImightmeethimforadrinklaterattheBarkingCrab.Hewantstopickmybrain

aboutsomemusicstuff.”

“Isee.”
“Whydon’tyougoupstairsandchangebeforedinner?”
“We’rejusteatinghere,right?”
“Yes, but you have boob milk stains on your shirt. I just thought maybe you’d want to shower and

change.”

Hewasright.IneededtohavemoreprideinhowIlooked.
“Iwouldloveto.”
JustinlookedafterBeawhileIshowered.Idecidedtogoalloutandputonatubedress.Ibrushedmy

hairoutandmadeupmyeyes.ItkindoffeltlikeIwasgettingreadyforadate,andIneededtostopthat
trainofthought.

IthoughtIwouldfindJustincookingwhenIreturneddownstairs.I’dtoldhimtoputherinthebouncy

seat.Instead,hewasholdingBeaandrockingbackandforth,lookingoutthewindow.Hedidn’tknowI’d
beenwatchinghim.

“I’mback.”
“Oh,hey.Shedidn’twanttogointheseat,startedcrying,sowe’vejustbeenwatchingthesunset.”

Myheartclenched.

“Youneedtocook,right?”
“Yeah,butitwon’ttakeverylong.”
Ireachedoutmyarms,andtomysurprise,BeastartedtocryinprotestwhenItriedtotakeherfrom

him.Pattingherback,Isaid,“Idon’tthinkshewantedtoleaveyou.”

“No.It’sjustyourimagination.”
“Really?Wanttotestit?”Iheldherouttowardhimagain.
Justincradledherinhisarmsagain,andsureenough,Beastoppedcrying.Shewaslookingupathim.

Itseemedtheappledidn’tfallfarfromthetree.

“Myimagination,huh?”
Hesmileddownather.“Idon’tknowwhyshelikesme.Idon’tevendoanythingbutholdher.”
“Toababy,that’severything.”
Suddenlylookingalittleuncomfortable,hehandedherbacktome.“You’dbettertakeher.”
Backinmygrasp,Beastartedtofussagain,soItookhertothelivingroomandfedherwhileJustin

gotdinnerstarted.

Therewasaknockatthedoor.
“Areyouexpectingsomeone?”Justinholleredfromthekitchen.
“No.Doyoumindgettingit?She’sstilleating.”Ireadjustedtheblanketovermyshoulderforprivacy.
Icouldn’tseethefrontdoorfromwhereIwassitting,butIcouldheareverything.
“Whoareyou?”
“I’mRoger.Ilivenextdoor.Youare?”
Shit.
“Justin.Thisismyhouse.”
“Oh,that’sright.Shementionedaseasonalroommate.”
“CanIhelpyou?”
“IsAmeliahere?”
“Yes,butshe’sfeedingthebaby.”
“Iwasjustdownatthedock.Iboughthersomeshellfish.”
“Amelia!Rogerishere.Hebroughtyousomesnatch,”Justinyelled.
Great.
CoveringmyselfasfastasIcould,Ishouted,“Coming!”
Tryingtoseemnonchalant,Isaid,“Hey!”
“Hi,Amelia.SorryifI’mdisturbingsomething.”
“No,nonotat—”
“Actually,wewerejustabouttoeat,”Justininterrupted.
Rogerlookedannoyed.“Howlongareyoustaying,Justin?”
“AslongasIneedto.”
“AmeliatoldmeyourgirlfriendisaBroadwaystar,right?”
“Yes.”
“That’sreallygnarly.”
“Gnarly?Whatthefuckareyouasurferorsomething?”Justinliftedhishandsinashakasign.“Woe!”
“Roger,don’tmindJustin.Thatwasreallysweetofyoutobringthecrabs.Isoappreciateit.”
“Crabs…interestingchoice,”Justinscoffed.
“I’dbetterletyouguyseat.”
“We’lltalksoon.”Ismiled.
“Takecare,Amelia.Nicemeetingyou,Justin.”
Justindidalittlesalute.“Rogerthat!”
WhenJustinslammedthedoorbehindRoger,Iturnedtohim.“You’rebeingatotalprick.”
“Comeon.Iwasjustmessingwithhim.”
“Youthinkit’sfunny,buthe’stheonlyfriendIhavehere,andyou’regoingtoscarehimaway.After

youtakeofftoNewYorkagain,I’mgoingtoneedsomeonetotalkto.It’sverylonelyouthere.”

“Youdon’tneedthattool.Whywouldyouneedhim?YouliveinProvidenceanyway.”
Bitingmylip,Isaid,“Actually…Iwasgonnatalktoyouaboutsomething.”
“Aboutwhat?”
“Imighttakeayearoff…frommyteachingjob.Igotkickedoutofmyapartmentbecausetheowner

soldthebuilding.Idon’thaveaplacetoliveinthecityanymore,andI’mnotsureI’mreadytoputBeain
daycareattheendofthesummer.IwasgoingtoaskyouifitwasokayifIstayinthishouseintheoff
season.”

“Thishouseisyours.Ofcourse,it’sokay.Iwouldnevertellyouotherwise.Youshouldn’tevenhave

toask.”

“Alright.Well,nowthatIgotthatoutoftheway,Ifeelbetter.Thankyou.”
“Dinner’sready.Putherdownsoyoucaneat.”
Justinhadpouredwineforeachofus.
“Oh…Ican’tdrink,Justin.”
“Shit.Iwasn’tthinking.”
“Well,theysayIcanhaveonedrink,butI’vestillbeenhesitant.”
“That’sfine.Itwon’tgotowaste.”
Justinhadmadericecasserole.WewerehalfwaythroughourmealwhenBeastartedcryingfromher

bouncyseat.WhenIgotuptogether,Justinstoppedme.

“Finishyourfood.I’vegother.”
“Heliftedherandbroughtherovertothetable.Asalways,shequietedinhisarmsasshestretched

her neck to look up at his face. This time, she reached out her little hand and started to play with his
scruff.

“Hey,youtryingtosayIneedtoshave?”
Watchinghimwithheralwaysgavemegoosebumps.
Don’tgothere,Amelia.
Beastartedtobabble.Italmostlookedlikeshewastryingtotalktohim.
Justinpretendedtounderstandher.“Ohyeah?”Whenshepassedgas,hedidn’tevenflinch.Hejust

said,“Well,excuseme!”

Thewholethingwasmakingmecrackup.
AfterIfinished,ItookherbackfromhimandfedheronthecouchwhileJustincleanedupthekitchen.

Beafellbackasleepafterhermeal.

WhenJustinjoinedusinthelivingroom,itoccurredtomethathe’dhadplanstogoout.
“Aren’tyousupposedtobemeetingTomforadrink?”
“Nah.IthinkI’mgonnaskipit.I’mplayingtomorrownight.I’llprobablymeetupwithhimafterthat

instead.”

Hisphonevibratedandheanswered,“Hey.”
Iwasn’tcompletelysurewhohewastalkingtountilhelookedoveratmeandsaid,“Jadesayshi.”
“Hi,Jade.”Ismiled,eventhoughinsideIwasstartingtofeelthatoldfamiliarjealousycreepinagain.

Maybeitwasagoodthingthatshecalledwhenshedid,becausearealitycheckwasdesperatelyneeded.

Then,hewalkedawaytofinishthecallintheotherroom.
Whenhereturned,hesaid,“IhavetogobacktoNewYorkthisweekend.”
Myheartfeltlikeitdroppedtomystomach.“Oh.Justfortheweekend?”
“Maybealittlelonger.”

CHAPTER12

ItwasFridaynight,andJustinhadalreadyleftforhisgigatSandy’s.Hewassupposedtobeleavingearly
thenextmorningtoheadbacktoNewYork.WhileI’doriginallytoldhimIwouldn’tbegoingtoseehim
perform,Iwasseriouslysecond-guessingmydecision.Whoknewifandwhenhe’dbeback?Afterall,
he’dcomeforsomealonetimeonlytofindBeaandIwreakinghavoconhislife.I’mnotsureIwould
choosetoreturnifIwerehim.

IsuddenlyturnedtoBea.“DoyouwanttogoseeUncleJustinplay?”
“Willyoupromisetobegood?”
Iplacedherinthecribbeforeimpulsivelytearingmyclothesoff,worriedthatifIdidn’thurryup,I’d

wussoutanddecidetostayhome.IputonareddressthatIhadn’twornsincebeforeIwaspregnantand
slipped breast pads inside my bra to avoid wet spots. I styled my hair into loose curls and applied my
makeup.Withinminutes,BeaandIweredressedandinthecar.

ReturningtoSandy’sgavemethejitters.Ihadn’tbeenbacksincelastsummer.Iwasalsoinexplicably

nervousforJustintoseemeintheaudiencewhenI’dalreadytoldhimIwouldn’tbethere.

HewasinthemiddleofasongIdidn’trecognize.Asusual,thecrowdwastransfixedonhimwith

womencreepingupcloserandclosertothefrontjusttobenearhimandgetabetterlookathisbeautiful
face while he sang. It was always so emotional for me to watch him perform. Thankfully, Bea was
behavinginhercarrier,allowingmetosoakineverymomentofbeinghere.

ImademywaytothemahoganybartosayhellotoRickthebartenderwhogavemeaglassofseltzer

onthehouse.Relaxinginmyseat,IclosedmyeyesandcherishedthesoundofJustinsingingashebegan
acoverofWildHorsesbytheRollingStones.Thathauntingsongseemedmadeforhisvoice.WhenIfelt
myeyesgettingwatery,Icursedatmyself.WhydidIalwaysgetsosentimentalwheneverhesang?Itjust
alwaysfeltlikeeverywordofeverysonghadmeaningandcouldsomehowbeappliedtomyexperiences
withhim.

Sureenough,halfwaythroughthesong,Beastartedtocry.Thiswasnotthekindofsongthatmasked

thefrenziedcriesofaninfantverywell.Alotofheadswereturningtowardme.Therewerewhispers,
probablypeoplewonderingwhyI’dbroughtababytothiskindofestablishmentinthefirstplace.

Hotflashespermeatedmybody.Eventhoughhecontinuedthroughthesongflawlessly,Justin’sgaze

travelled over to my corner of the room. Our eyes locked. I was mortified for having interrupted this
beautifulsong.Whenitfinished,Istartedtoheadtowardthebackroom.Justingesturedwithhishandto
tellmetostay.Icontinueddownthehallanywayuntilhisvoicethroughthemicstoppedmeinmytracks.

“Sothatbabyyouhearcryingisactuallyspecialtome.HernameisBea.HermomisAmelia,who’s

alsospecialtome—oneofmyoldestfriends.Anyway,wouldyoubelievethatthisisAmelia’sveryfirst
nightoutsinceBeawasbornmorethanthreemonthsago?Ameliadidn’twanttocomeheretonight.She
wasafraidthatpeoplewouldstareatherifthebabystartedcrying.Itoldhernottoworry,thatthepeople
herewerekinderandmoreunderstandingthanthat.Shedidn’ttakemywordforit,butshetookachance
andcameanyway.BelievemewhenIsay…shehasn’thaditeasy.She’sdoingahellofajobraisingthat
littlebabyallbyherself.Ithinkshedeservesanightout,don’tyou?”

Raucousapplausefollowed,andJustinmotionedformetocometohim.Beawasstillscreaming.
“Givehertome…thecarrier,too,”hesaidawayfromthemic.

JustinplacedtheBabyBjornacrosshischestandslippedBeainsidebeforesecuringher.Mybaby

girlwasexactlywhereshewantedtobeandfinallycalmeddown.Ofcourse,shedid.

Herepositionedhisguitartoaccommodateherandstartedtosingasongthatatfirstsoundedlikea

lullaby. Then I recognized it as Dream a Little Dream. I couldn’t contain the smile on my face as I
watchedBeauptherewithhim.

Thewomeninthecrowdweregushing.Iftheythoughttheylovedhimbefore,nowtheirovarieswere

absolutelycombusting.Theapplausefromthecrowdwastheloudestonrecordafterhefinished.

WhenJustintookBeaoutofthecarrier,herbuttwasfacingthemicrophone.Magnifiedbythemic,a

sound that mimicked an explosion rang out through the restaurant. It quickly occurred to me that all of
thesepeoplewerejustwitnesstomydaughter’sexplosivediarrhea.

Justincompletelylostit.Ashehandedherbacktome,hewaslaughingalongwitheveryoneelse.He

whispered,“Beajustbustedseriousass.”

“I’dbettergochangeher.”
AsIwaswalkingaway,hestoppedme.“Amelia.”
“Yes?”
“Youlookbeautiful.”
Ishruggedmyshoulders.“Itried.”EventhoughIbrushedhiscomplimentoff,Ihadn’tfeltbeautiful

untilthatmoment.Nowmyheartwasbeatingamileaminute.

***

Thenextmorning,whenwewokeup,Justinwasgone.Therewasanoteonthekitchencounter.

Itwasthefirstnightyoubothslept.Ididn’thavethehearttowakeyoubeforeIleft.Takecareof

Bea.I’llseeyousoon.

Anentireweekwentbywithnowordfromhim.
Itriednottooverreact.Afterall,weweren’thisresponsibility.Thelonelinessjustseemedsomuch

worsenowthatIknewwhatitfeltliketohavesomeonearound.Bea’sinsomniawasworsethanbefore,
too.Ihonestlythinkshemissedhim.SodidI.

Inanactofdesperation,Icalledmymotherandaskedifshewouldbewillingtostaywithmefora

weekorso.She’donlybeenatthebeachhouseforthreedays,andIwasalreadywantingtoshootmyself
in the head. She spent more time on the phone with her boyfriend or on the upper deck smoking her
Benson and Hedges cigarettes than she did with Bea and me. It was stupid of me to hope that her
becomingagrandmotherwouldchangeherselfishways.

WhileshedidmanagetowatchBeasothatIcouldgetafewhoursofsleepeachnight,invitingherto

staywithusturnedouttobeamistake.Onthelastnightofherstay,ratherthanspendqualitytimewith
Bea,shechoseinsteadtobadgermeabouttakinglegalactionagainstAdam.

“Whenareyougoingtoforcethatguytopayup,Amelia?”
RightafterJustinleft,I’dtakenBeatohaveherblooddrawn.AdamalsowenttoalabinBoston,and

itwasconfirmedyesterdaythathewasdefinitelyherbiologicalfather.

“Idon’twanttoputBeathroughdealingwithhimrightnow.Hehastomakethefirstmoveasfaras

I’mconcerned.He’sbeensomeanthatIdon’tevenwanthiminherlife.”

“Well,you’renotgoingtobeabletosupportyourselfmuchlonger.Youneedtogetamanevenifit’s

nothim.”

“I’mnotgoingtobringamanintoBea’slifejusttousehimforfinancialsupport.I’llfindawayto

takecareofmyself.”

I’mnotyou.
“Goodluckdoingthatonateacher’ssalary.”
“AtleastIhavearespectablecareertofallbackon.I’msureyouthinkit’sbetterformetojustnot

work,moochingoffstrangemenlikeyoudid.Thankgoodnessmyfatherwasoneofthegoodones.ButI
canassureyou,IwillneverputBeathroughthekindofchildhoodIhad,withmencomingandgoing.”

“Youactlikeyouwereabused.Yourchildhoodwasn’tthatbad.”
“Youwouldn’tknow.Youwereabsentformostofit.”
“Didyoureallyinvitemeheretofight,Amelia?”
“Ineedtosleep.You’releavingtomorrow.Let’sstopfighting.DoyoumindstayingupwithBeasoI

cangetafewhoursin?”

“Sure.Goahead.”
IfiguredImightaswelltakeadvantageofherlastnighthere.Sheprobablywouldn’tcomebackafter

thistumultuousexperience.

Afewhourslater,somethingdisruptedmysleep.Itwaswellpastmidnight.Thefaintsoundofpeople

talkingdownstairsseemedtoregister.MymotherwassupposedtobewatchingBea,sowhothehellwas
inmyhouse?

Panic struck, and I crept down the stairs, stopping midway when I realized the other voice was

Justin’s.

He’dcomeback?
TheconversationthatensuedbetweenhimandmymothercompletelyblewmeawayasIhidinthe

stairwelllisteningtothem.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”
“Thisismyhouse,”Justinsaid.
“Whichisajoke,bytheway.Thishouseshouldhavebeenlefttome.”
“Didyoucomehereonyourown,ordidyourdaughterinviteyou?”
“Ameliaaskedmetocome.”Shepausedthensaid,“God,youturnedouttobefuckinghot,”mymother

said.

“Excuseme?”
“You’relikeabetterlookingversionofyourfather.IwishIwerefifteenyearsyounger.Unlessyou

likeolderwomen…”

“Areyoufuckingseriousrightnow,Patricia?Haven’tyoudoneenoughdamagetoourlives?Amelia

invitedyouheretohelpwiththebaby,andIfindBeabyherselfinthelivingroomwhileyou’resmoking
onthefuckingdeck.Now,you’retryingtopickmeup?”

“Calmdown.Iwasjustkidding.”
“IreallywishIbelievedyouwere.DoyouhaveanyideawhatAmelia’sbeenthroughthesepastfew

months?She’sdoingthebestshecan.Shedoesn’tdeservethisshit.Youshouldhavebeenofferingtohelp
fromdayone,buthonestly,she’sbetteroffwithoutit.”

I’dhadenough.Imademywaydownthestairsandsaid,“Mom,Ithinkit’sbestifyouleavetonight.”
“Tonight?Iwasplanningtoleaveinthemorninganyway.”
“Yes.ButthatwasbeforeIknewJustinwouldbeback.Thisishishouse,andyou’reupsettingbothof

us.Andwhywereyououtonthedeckwhenyouweresupposedtobewatchingthebaby?”

“Shewassleeping.It’snobigdeal.”
“Nothingiseverabigdealtoyou!”

“You’reseriouslyaskingmetoleaverightnowinthemiddleofthenight?”
“No. I’m telling you to leave. Please. You’re my mother and I love you, but you’re fucked up, and

you’llneverchange.”

“Ican’tbelievethis,”mymotherhuffedbeforequietlyheadingupstairstopackherthings.
Whenshereturned,sheliftedBeaoutofthecarriershewassleepingin,intentionallywakingherupto

kiss her. Bea started crying as my mother handed her to me before walking out the door without saying
anythingfurther.

Whenthedoorshut,IclosedmyeyesfeelinglikeIwasgoingtocryrightalongwiththebaby.Then,I

feltJustin’sarmswraparoundme.

“I’msorry,”hesaid.
“Iwasn’tsureifyouwerecomingback.”
HetookBeafrommyarms.Asexpected,sheimmediatelycalmeddown.Butsomethingunexpected

also happened, something that she’d never done before. Her little mouth spread into a wide toothless
smileasshelookedupathim.

“OhmyGod,Justin.She’ssmilingatyou!”
“Hassheneversmiledbefore?”
“TherehavebeentimesIthoughtmaybewassmilingbutwasn’tsureifitwasjustgas.Butthereisno

doubtaboutthisone.Thatismostdefinitelyasmile!”

Heseemedtobeinaweasshecontinuedtogrinathim.“Maybeshedidn’tthinkIwascomingback.”
Shewouldn’tbetheonlyone.
“We’rebothhappyyou’reback.”

***

ThenextmorningwhenIcamedownstairscarryingBea,Justinhadalreadymadecoffee.Thesmellofthe
freshly-groundbeansmixedwithhismuskyscentwasagreatwaytostarttheday.Inoticedthattherewas
alsoanewKeurigmachinesetuponthecounter.

“Wheredidthatcomefrom?”
“I brought it back from my apartment in the city. That way I can make coffee fusion for myself and

half-cafinthecoffeemakerforyou.”

“Thatwasverythoughtful.”
Whenhehandedmemysteamingmug,somethingdawnedonme.“Whatdidyouuseinthis?Wewere

outofcream.Ihaven’thadachancetogotothemarket.”

“Iusedmilkinstead.”
“Wedidn’thavemilk.”
Hepointedwithhisthumbtothefridge.“Therewasaglassbottleofmilkinthere.”
Coveringmymouth,Isaid,“Ididn’tbuyregularmilk.Justin…thatwasmybreastmilk!Ipumpedit

andpoureditintoanemptyglassbottle.Theonlygoodthingmymotherdidformewhileshewashere
wasbuymeabreastpump.I’vebeenpracticingusingit.”Crackingup,Ipointedintothecoffee.“Youjust
putmybreastmilkinthis!”

“Notonlythat…Ialreadydranktwocupswithyourbreastmilk.I’monmythird.”
Icoveredmymouthagain.“OhmyGod!”
Hetookasipofhiscoffee.“It’sfuckinggood.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah…it’ssweet.IcanseewhyBeadrinksitlikecrack.”

“Areyoujoking?”
“No.”
“You’renuts.I’mnotdrinkingthis.”
“Howmuchofthatshitcanyoumakeperday?Wecansellit.”
“You’dbetterbejoking.”
“Aboutsellingit…yes.Aboutdrinkingit?No.AndIdon’twanttosharewithanyonebutBea.”
“You’resick.”
Hewinked.“You’rejustfiguringthisout?”
Itwassogoodtohavehimback.

***

Aweeklater,itwasatypicalweeknighteveningathome.JustinwasplayingatSandy’swhileBeaandI
stayedin.Shewasbeingsuperquietassheplayedwithhermobileonthefloor,soIdecidedtoperusethe
Internetwhileloungingonthecouchwithmylaptop.

I’dbeenavoidinggoingonJade’sFacebookpagebecauseIdidn’twanttoseepicturesfromhistrip

back to New York that would only upset me. Somehow, I’d ended up on her profile anyway, looking
throughherrecentposts.Muchofitwasthesameasalways:scenesfrombackstage,theaterfriendsouton
the town after performances, pictures with fans. There was one thing, however, that was far from
expected.Jadehadrecentlychangedherrelationshipstatusfrom“inarelationship”to“single.”

Theybrokeup?
Myheartwasbeatingoutofcontrol.
Whendidthishappen?
She’dalsopostedacrypticstatusrightaroundthetimethatJustincamebacktoNewport:“To New

Beginnings.”

They’d ended it while he was in New York! He’d been back for a week and hadn’t told me. Why

wouldhehavekeptitasecret?Mymindwasracing.WasheEVERplanningtotellme?

Istayedinthesamespotinthelivingroom,waitingforhimtogethome.Whenthedoorknobturned,I

straightenedinmyseat.

Justin put down his guitar next to the door and hung up his jacket. “What’s wrong? Why are you

lookingatmelikethat?”

“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouandJadebrokeup?”
Heletoutaslowbreathandjoinedmeonthecouch.“Howdidyoufindout?”
“ShechangedherrelationshipstatusonFacebook.”
Letting out another deep breath, he said, “Things had been off for a while. We’d just been growing

apartoverthepastyear.ThereasonIcametoNewportearlywastohavesomealonetimetothink.That
waswhenIfoundyouandBeahere.”

“Idon’tunderstand.Ithoughtyouwereinlovewithher.”
“No.”
“No?Whydidyoualwaystellheryoulovedherthen?Isn’tthatmisleading?”
“IthoughtIlovedheratonetime.So,yes,wetoldeachotherwelovedoneanother.Onceyoustart

sayingthatword,itjustbecomescommonplacetouseit.Itgetsabusedandlosesitsvalue.Wehadagood
relationshipforawhile,butitwasnevergonnaworklongterm.”

“Why?”
“We’retoodifferent.She’ssocaughtupinthetheaterworldrightnow.Therewasnotimeforusto

workontheproblemswehad.”

“Andshewantedkids,”Iadded.
“That,too.”
Iswallowed.EventhoughI’dknownhowhefeltaboutkids,apartofmehadhopedbeingaroundBea

mighthaveshownhimthatitwasn’tsoterrible.

“Youguysdidn’tsoundlikeyouhadanyproblems.Justtheopposite,infact.Ihadtoblockmyears

anytimeshewashome.”

“Thesexwasgood.Weneverhadissuesinthatarea.Butittakessomethingdeeperthanthattolast

foreverwithsomeone.Ididn’twanttowastehertime.Timeisprecious.”

“So,itwasyouwhobrokeupwithher?”
“Yes.Iwastheonewhoendedit.”
IactuallyfeltreallybadlyforJade.Iknewwhatitfeltliketohavestrongfeelingsforthisman,and

shewasagoodperson.Shedidn’tdeservetobedumped.

“ThatwasthereasonforyourtriptoNewYork?”
“Myfeelingshadbeenweighingonme.Ididn’twanttogothroughthewholesummerlikethat.Now

shecanbefreetodowhatevershepleases.”

“Andyou?”
Hehesitatedbeforesaying,“Thesame.”
Mybodydidn’tknowhowtoreact,whethertofeelreliefornausea.Wasthisagoodthingorabad

thing?Ihonestlydidn’tknow.Justinbeingsinglenowmeantthathecouldpotentiallybeplayingthefield,
bringinggirlshome,takingadvantageofallofthewantonwomengushingoverhimatSandy’s.Icouldn’t
dealwiththat.Inastrangeway,knowinghewascommittedtoJadealwaysbroughtaboutabittersweet
solacebecauseatleasttherewasonlyonewomantoworryabout.Nowtherecouldpotentiallybemany.

Atthesametime,thiscouldbeanopportunityformetofinallyhaveachancetobewithhim.Iquickly

shookthatthoughtfrommyhead,knowingfullwellthatitwasalongshot.Hedidn’twantkids;hewas
emphaticaboutthat.Inowcamewithone,andtherewouldbenochanceinhellhewouldgoforthatkind
ofpackagedeal.Then,itoccurredtomethatmaybehewasintentionallykeepingthebreakupfrommeto
avoidanyexpectationsonmypart.Thatwasit!

“Whydidyoukeepthisfromme,Justin?”
“Iwasgoingtotellyou.”
“When?”
“Idon’tknow.”
“Myknowingdoesn’tchangeanythingbetweenusifthat’swhatyouthink.Idon’texpectanythingfrom

you,especiallynow.”

“Whatdoyoumeanbyespeciallynow?”
“Imean…maybeifIhadn’thadBea…”Ishookmyhead.“Nevermind.”
“Saywhatyouweregonnasay.”
“ThingsmightbedifferentifIdidn’thaveachild.Maybewecouldhaveseenwherethingswent.”
Helookedlikehewasstrugglingwithwhattosaynext.“You’renolessattractivebecauseyouhavea

child.Don’teverthinkthat.Butyouarerightaboutonething.Anymanyouendupwithneedstobeone-
hundredpercentreadyforthatresponsibility.”HepointedovertoBeawhowaskickingherlegsaround
asshecontinuedtoplayontherug.“Itwouldn’tbefairtoherotherwise.”

Hewasright.
Asmyheadhitthepillowthatnight,I’dneverfeltmoreconfusedaboutwhattomorrowwouldhold.

CHAPTER13

Everyeveningwhenthedoorwouldopen,Iwouldcringe,wonderingifthatnightwouldbetheonewhere
hefinallybroughtawomanhomewithhim.Ikeptpreparingmyselfforit.Justinwasaverysexualperson.
Jadealwaysusedtoreferencehisinsatiableappetite.Thatwouldalwaysmakemewanttovomit.

Hewasn’tgoingtobecelibateforever.
Itwasn’taquestionofifhebroughtsomeonehome;itwaswhen.Eachtimehe’dwalkinalonewould

beabiggerreliefthanthelast,though.

Thedayswerepassing,andwitheachone,Iwonderedhowmuchlongerthispeacefulcamaraderie

betweenuswouldcontinue.

Bea was getting bigger every day. She was now finally rolling over. That meant being very careful

when changing her diaper because she easily could fall off the table. Now that I was pumping milk, it
madeitaloteasiertoleavethehousefromtimetotime.JustinwouldwatchBeaforlittlestintswhileI
ranerrands.IreferredtohimasUncleJustinaroundher.Heseemedtobehappywiththat.Itwasasafe
title and made it clear that I wasn’t expecting him to have a bigger role in her life. He would likely
alwaysbeUncleJustintoher.Ivowedtolearntoacceptthat.

ThebestpartofmydaycontinuedtobemorningswhenJustinandIwouldsitinthekitchenwithBea

andhaveourcoffeetogether.Theweirdowasstillusingmypumpedmilkasacreamreplacement,though.
Atfirst,Ithoughthewascontinuingthehabitjusttobefunny,butthelongeritwenton,themoreitbecame
clearthathetrulylikedthetaste.

Ashepouredsomeoutofabottleintohiscoffee,Iasked,“Youthinkthat’scompletelynormal?”
“I’dratherdrinkfromyouthansomerandomcow.Thinkaboutit.You’retheonethatstoppedeating

meatafterasimilarrealization.”

“Okay,butdespitethat,youdorealizetheaveragepersonwouldfindyourdrinkingbreastmilkvery

bizarre.”

“No.BizarrewouldbeifIstoodinlinewhileyouwerefeedingherandaskedtogonext.”
Thatactuallymademechuckle.“True,butwhat’sgonnahappenwhenyoustartdatingsomeone?You

thinkshe’sgoingtoacceptyoudrinkinganotherwoman’sbreastmilk?Oreventhatyouhadinthepast?”

“I’llworryaboutthatwhenIhaveto.”
Itfeltlikeagoodopportunitytopry.“So,you’renotseeinganyone?”
He glanced at me from over his mug with amusement in his eyes. “I’m pretty sure you know the

answer to that, Amelia. If I’m not here, then I’m at Sandy’s, and then I come home. When would I be
seeingsaidperson?”

“Iknow.IguessI’mjustconfused.”
Heslammedtheceramicmugdownonthegranite.“Okay.Explainwhyyou’reconfused.”
“You’reobviouslyextremelyattractive.You’reamusicianontopofthat.Youhavewomenliterally

throwingthemselvesatyou.It’sbeenamonthsinceyoubrokeupwithJade.Ikeepexpectingyoutowalk
inherewithsomeone.That’sall.”

“YouthinkI’mamanwhorewhenI’msingle…”
“I’veonlyexperiencedyouwithagirlfriend,soIdon’treallyknow.”
Heplacedhishandsonthetableandleanedintome.Whathesaidnextgavemethechills.“Iloveto

fuck.LOVEit.Morethananything.”Thosewordswentstraighttomyloins.Hesatbackandcrossedhis
arms. “But the more experience I have, the more I realize that you have to be careful out there. I don’t
sleeparoundanymorelikeIusedto.”

Idecidedtomesswithhim.“That’sinterestingthatyousaythatbecauseIwasthinkingthatcasualsex

maybemyonlyoption.”

Henearlyspitouthiscoffee.“Ohreally?”
“Yeah.Youactuallyhelpedwiththatrealization.”
“DidI,now?I’dliketohearthis.”
“Thinkaboutit.Likeyouweresaying…anymanthat’sgoingtoendupwithmehastobeinitforthe

longhaul.Ittakesareallylongtimetofigurethatstuffout,right?Ican’tbecelibateforeverwhileIwait
toseeifMr.Rightwantstobeafathertomydaughter.I,too,liketofuck.”

Hiseyeswidened.“Isee.”
“Althoughinrecentyears,Ihaven’tsleptaround,itmightbebetterformeatthispointinmylifeto

justhavemeaninglesssexwithatrustedpersonwho’sonthesamepage.He’dhavetobecleanofcourse,
haveallthepropertests.”

“Areyouseriousrightnow?”
“I’mdeadserious.”
Iwasstartingtobecomealittleconvincedofmyownargument.Itdidmakesomesense.
Hemocked,“Andwhereexactlyareyougonnafindthismanwhoisjustlookingforcasualfuckingbut

alsohappenstobeaclean,respectablepersonthatyoucanbringaroundyourdaughter?Oh,andthisguy
isapparentlynotsleepingwithanyoneelseatthesametime?Yeah.Thatmakessense.”

“Iwouldn’tbebringinganymanaroundBeaunlessitwasserious.So,hewouldn’tbegettingtoknow

mydaughter.”

“Wherewouldyoubemeetingupwithsaidmanthen?”
“Hotels.”
“Who’sgoingtobewatchingBeawhenyou’refuckingthisguyinamotel?”
Isnorted.“You?”
“Pleasetellmeyou’rekidding.BecauseI’mabouttofuckingloseit.”
“Wantthehonesttruth?”
“Yes.”
“ForthemostpartIamkidding.ButIdothinkthatImayneedtofindsomeonetosatisfymyneedsat

somepoint,someonewhoIcantrustbutwhounderstandsthatitwouldn’tbeanythingmorethansex.”

Hegrittedhisteeth.“SomeonelikeRogernextdoor…”
“Maybe…”
Hisfaceturnedredinangerashegotupandputhismuginthesink.“That’sjustgreat,Amelia.Just

fuckinggreat.”

Thatwasthelastthinghesaidbeforestompingupthestairstostarthisworkday.
Henevercamedownthatafternoon.
Justinwasmad…andjealousashell.Ithadn’tevenbeensubtle.
I’dtoldhimIwasgivinghimthehonesttruth;thatreallywasn’tthecase.Becausetherealtruthwas

thattherewasonlyonemanI’ddreamtoffuckinginahotel—andthatwashim.

***

Justinstillseemedmoodythatnight.Hewasflippingthroughthechannelsatlightningspeedwithouteven

reallypayingattention.Whenmyphonevibratedonthecoffeetable,hepickeditupandlookeddownat
thecallerI.D.

Alookofshockwashedoverhisfaceashehandedmethephone.“It’sAdam.”
Shit.
I’dleftAdamavoicemessagetheotherday,askingifhewasinterestedincomingdowntoNewport

to meet Bea. Seeing him was the last thing I wanted, but I felt that I owed it to my daughter to at least
attempttoestablisharelationshipbetweenthem.

JustinwatchedmelikeahawkasIanswered.
“Hello?”
Adam’svoicesoundedabitmuffled.“Hey.”
“I’massumingyougotmyvoicemail.”
There was some static; he must have been driving. “Yeah. Ashlyn’s away. I can come down this

weekend.Whenisagoodtime?”

HecanonlycomedownbecauseAshlynisaway?Realnice.
“I think it’s best if we meet downtown. Maybe at the park. I can text you the location. Would this

Saturdaywork?”

“Yeah.Thatshouldbefine.”
“Okay.Whydon’tweplantomeetaroundthree?”
“That’llwork.”
“I’lltextyoutheinfosoon.”
“Alright.Bye.
“Bye.”
Heneverevenaskedhowshewas.
JustinwasstillglaringatmeafterIhungup.“He’scomingdownhere?Sincewhenisheinterestedin

beingapartofherlife?”

“Sinceabloodtestprovedhe’sthefather.”
“Younevertoldmeyouhadthatdone.”
“It was just a formality. It happened while you were away, didn’t even think to mention it because

there was never any doubt. Anyway, the only person the test mattered to was Adam, because he was
accusingmeoflying.”

Justin’stonewasstern.“Istilldon’twanthimnearher.”
“He’sherfather.”
“He’saspermdonor,”hesaidthroughgrittedteeth.
“WhatamIsupposedtodo?Keepherfromhim?”
“He doesn’t deserve her.” Justin seemed lost in thought for a few moments before he asked, “What

exactlyarehisrightsnow?”

“I’mnotentirelysure.Idon’tthinkhe’sgoingtowantanyoftheresponsibilityofcaringforher,soI

haven’tevenreallylookedintothatstuff.Bythesametoken,I’mnotpressuringhimintoanything,either.
Anyway,it’lljustbeaquickmeeting.”

“I’mcomingwithyou.”
“No.Youdon’thaveto.”
“ThereisnowayI’mlettingyougoseethatassholebyyourself.”
“That’sreallynotnecessary.We’llbe—”
“Amelia…it’snotachoice.I’mcomingwithyou,”herepeated.
ThelookinhiseyestoldmethiswasoneargumentIwasn’tgoingtowin.

***

Theweatherwasperfect,drywithlowhumidity.WewouldbemeetingatColtStatePark,whichwasjust
overthebridgeandoffoftheisland.JustinandIhadvisitedthisparkonceortwicewhenwewerekids,
soitfeltalittlebitnostalgic.

Wepackedapicniclunchandmadeanafternoonoutofit,gettingthereanhourbeforeAdamwasset

toarrive.Mightaswellbalanceastressfuleventwithsomefun.

I’ddressedBeainthefrilliestpinkdressshehadandplacedoneofthoselittlethinruffledheadbands

overherhead.Hertinyfeetwerecoveredinthecutestwhitepatentleathershoes.

Justingentlybrushedthebackofhisfingeralongherhead.“Bealooksadorable,butyouknowitkind

ofpissesmeoffyougotheralldressedupforhim.”

“Iwantedhertolookherbest,makehimfeellikeshit.”
“She always looks her best, no matter what you put on her. He should feel like shit either way,

whethershe’swearingadressorcoveredinpoop.She’shisfuckingfleshandblood,andhehasn’tseen
herforthefirstfivemonthsofherlife.”

“You’reright.”
Ourattentionturnedtoacoupleofteenagerswhowereflyingamulti-coloredkite.Wesatinsilence,

enjoyingthescenery.Itwasagreatdaytobeoutonthewater,solotsofsailboatscouldbeseeninthe
distancesincetheparkabuttedtheocean.

Justinlookedupattheclearbluesky.“Doyourememberthelasttimewewerehere?”
“Yes,”Isaidquietly.“ItwasshortlybeforeImovedtoNewHampshire.Youwerestartingtogetinto

photography.”JustinhadtakenhiscameratoColtStateParkduringourlasttriphereandsnappedsome
picturesofmewiththewaterasabackdrop.

“Yeah. That hobby was short-lived, took a backseat to music.” He took out his wallet, which was

quiteold,thebrownleathercrackedandweathered.Heopenedit.“IfIshowyousomething,don’tlaugh.”

“Okay…”
He took out a small black and white photo that was tucked inside the back. The edges of the photo

paperwerefrayed.ItwasasnapshotofmethatI’dneverseen.“ThiswasoneofthephotosIshotthat
day.ItwastheonlyoneIhaddeveloped.”

Itookitfromhim.“Wow.Ineverhadachancetoseeanyofthem.”
“ThisonewasmyfavoritebecauseIsnappeditwhenyouweren’tposing.Youwerelaughingatone

ofmyjokeswhenItookit.”

Mygazetraveledfromthephototohisbeautifulblueeyesthatwerestaringintomineandreflected

theoceanbehindme.“You’vealwayscarriedthisaround?”

“EvenwhenIwasmadatyou,Icouldn’tgetmyselftogetridofit.I’dhideit,soIdidn’thavetosee

you,butIcouldn’tthrowyouaway.”

“Throwitawayorthrowmeaway?”
“Both.”
WecontinuedtolockeyesasIwilledawaythepangsoflongingthatwerealwaysthereandneededto

beconstantlysuppressed.

Lookingdownatmywatch,Inoticedthatitwastenminutespastthree.“Adamislate.”
“Whatajackass.”
JustintookBeafrommeandlayback,placingheronhischest.Shewasreachingoutherlittlehandto

hismouthwhileheblewraspberriesagainstherfingers.

Theminutes passed andstill no signof Adam. After anhour of waiting,Justin was becoming irate.

“Weneedtoleave.”

“Ican’tbelievehewouldjustnotshowup.Maybehe’sstuckintraffic.”
“Why wouldn’t he text you then? That’s fucking beyond disrespectful. He doesn’t deserve a minute

moreofourtime.He’sbetteroffnotshowingupatthispoint,becausehe’dgetapunchtotheface.”

I started to pack up, feeling incredibly sad for Bea. Whether Adam was a part of our lives didn’t

mattertome,butitwouldsurelymattertohersomeday.

Suddenly,myphonevibrated.ItwasatextfromAdam.

Iwasonmywaybutturnedaround.I’msorry.Ijustcan’t.Ican’tdothis.I’llsendyoumoney.

Justintookthephonefrommeandreadthetext.Heshookhisheadinutterdisbeliefthenlookeddown

atBea,whowasstillsittingthereinherbeautifuldressasshelookedupathim.Justinhadhiskneesup,
andBeawasrestingherbackagainsttheslopeofhislegs.Hertinyhandswereenvelopedinhislarge
ones.Mydaughterwascalmasaclam.Shehadnocluewhatthattextmeantfortherestofherlife.She
hadnocluethatherfatherhadjustabandonedher.

Iwasprettysureshethoughtshewasstaringintotheeyesofherfatherrightnow.
Afteralongmomentofsilence,Justinwhispered,“Hedoesn’tknowwhathe’smissing.He’safool.”

Hemovedhisfacetowardhersandsaid,“Well,wedon’tneedhim.Dowe,Bea?Fuckhim!”

Eventhoughheprobablyshouldn’thaveswornaroundthebaby,themostamazingthinghappened.The

second Justin said, “Fuck him,” Bea started laughing like she understood. It wasn’t subtle, but rather a
contagiousbellylaugh.Whenshesuddenlystopped,Justinbenthisheadbackthenbobbeditdownreal
fast as he repeated, “Fuck him!” Again, she erupted in laughter. He did it again. “Fuck him!” An even
biggerlaughingfitensued.JustinandIwerebothinhystericsrightalongwithher.

Tearswerepouringoutofmyeyes,andIhonestlycouldn’thavetoldyouwhetherIwaslaughingor

crying.

***

Thatevening,JustinofferedtoputBeadownforthenight.Hissoothingsingingvoicecarriedalltheway
downstairs. I closed my eyes and meditated to the sound of him rocking her to sleep. The song he’d
chosenwasnocoincidence:Isn’tSheLovelybyStevieWonder.

CHAPTER14

Thefollowingweek,itwasthemiddleoftheday,andJustinwasupstairsworking.Beawaslyingonher
bellyplayinginthelivingroomwhileIpaidsomebills.Therewasaknockatthedoor.WhenIopenedit,
RogerwasstandingtherewithtwomediumlattesfromMaggie’sCoffeehouse.Ithadbeenoveramonth
sincehelastvisited.

“Longtimenosee.”Ismiled.Takingoneofthedrinksfromhim,Isaid,“Youdidn’thavetodothat.

Butitwastimeformyafternooncaffeine,sogoodtiming.”Iwavedmyarm.“Comeonin.”

HeknelttogreetBea.“God,she’sgettingbig.”
“Iknow.She’sgoingonsixmonths.Canyoubelievethat?”
“Timeisflying.”
“Yes…whichiswhyI’mgladyoustoppedby.IwasworriedthatJustinscaredyouaway.”
He sat down and spoke low, “Well, to be honest, I debated coming. Your watchdog is a little

intimidating.”

“I’msorryhewasrudethelasttimeyouwerehere.”
“I’massuminghe’sstilllivinghere?”
“Yes.Justin’shomenow.Heworksremotelyandisactuallyupstairsinhisoffice.”
“Howlongishestayingontheisland?”
Itwasnearingtheendofthesummer,andJustinhadgivenmenoindicationofhisitinerary.AnytimeI

wouldask,hewouldsayhewasn’tsure.

“Actually,I’mnotsure.Hecanstayaslongashewantsbecauseheownshalfthehouse,sowereally

don’tdiscussit.”

“CanIbealittlenosey?”
“Sure.What’sup?”
“Issomethingmoregoingonbetweenthetwoofyou?”
“No.Whydoyouask?”
“Well,amandoesn’tbarkatanothermanlikethatabouthisfriendunlesshewantsherforhimself.”
“JustinandIhaveaverylonghistory,butduringallofit,we’veneveractuallybeentogether.We’ve

neverevenkissedonceinoveradecadeofknowingeachother.”

“Really…”
“Hecanbeprotective,buthedoesn’twantaseriousrelationshipwithme—especiallynow.Hecares

forBea,buthedoesn’twantkids.Hedoesn’twanttobewithme.”

Somethingabouthavingsaidthosewordsoutloudmademeincrediblysad—andangry.Whywasn’tI

enough?Whywasn’tBeaenough?Justincaredaboutus,butjustnotenough.

“Soundslikehisloss.”
“Somethingsarejustbetterleftthewaytheyare.”
“Well,nowthatyou’veclearedthatup…canIaskyouanotherquestion?”
“Yes.”
“Wouldyouwanttogooutthisweekend?Thejazzfestivalishappeningdowntown.I’dlovetotake

you…andBea.Wecouldgoduringtheday.”

“IhavetobehonestbecauseIdon’tknowifyou’reaskingmeoutonadate.Idon’tthinkI’mreadyfor

anythingserious.ButIdoenjoyyourcompany.So,iftherearenoexpectations,Iwouldloveto.”

“I understand. We won’t call it a date then. No expectations…just each other’s company. It can get

lonelyouthereontheisland,andIfeelgratefultohavemetyou,tohavefoundcompanionshipatthevery
least.Evenifit’snothingmorethanthat,I’dlovetotakeyouout.Youneedtogetout,Amelia.”

“Youknowwhat?You’reright.Let’sdoit.Let’sgoout.”Ismiled.
Slightwrinklesformedaroundhiseyeswhenhegrinnedandsaid,“Saturdaythen?”
“Sure.I’llseeifJustinwillwatchBea.Ifnot,I’lltakeherwithus.”Deepdown,IknewJustinwas

going to go ballistic. But this was necessary. If he didn’t want me hanging out with other men, then he
damn well needed to explain why. If he wasn’t going to give me affection, then I needed to get it
somewhereelse.

“It’sreallyfinetobringBea…”Hewinked.“Especiallysinceit’snotadate.”
“We’llsee.”
RogermanagedtoescapethehousewithoutJustincomingdownstairs.
Whenmyroommatefinallyemergedlaterthatafternoon,hismoodwasunreadable.HeliftedBeaoff

thefloorandtickledherbellywithhishairashespoke,“Whatdoyoufeellikefordinnertonight?”

“Anythingisfine.”
CarryingBeaovertothecupboard,hescratchedtheovergrownstubbleonhischin.“Ihavetofigure

outwhatwehave.”Heglancedovertothetrashbin,takingnoticeoftheMaggie’sCoffeehousecup.“Did
yougooutforcoffee?”

“No.Rogerbroughtitthisafternoon.”
Hisjawtightened,andhishandfrozeonthelastitemhewastouchingasheponderedthat.“Hewas

here?”

“Yes.”Isighed.“Weneedtotalk.”
Justinclosedthecupboard.“Alright.”
Justsayit.
“RogeraskedifIwantedtogotothejazzfestivalwithhimthisweekend.Itoldhimyes.”
Heblinkedafewtimes.“You’regoingonadatewithhim…”
“No.”
“It’safuckingdate,Amelia.”
“IexplainedtohimthatI’mnotreadytodate.”
“Oh,that’sright.You’renotlookingtodate.You’rejustlookingforacasualfuck.”
“It’sjustanouting.”
Heraisedhisvoice.“It’snotjustanouting.He’saguy.I’veseenthewayhelooksatyou.Hewantsto

fuckyou.”

Justin was really starting to piss me off. My instinct was to scream at him, but I stopped myself.

Instead,Ijustlookedintohiseyes—reallylookedintothem.“Whatareyoudoing?”

I hoped he saw the pain and frustration I was feeling through my expression. Even though it was a

simple question, I knew he couldn’t exactly answer me. It was complicated. I don’t even think even he
understoodwhyhewasactingthisway.Butithadtostop.

Then,somethinginhiseyesshifted.Itwasasifrealizationfinallystruckastohowunreasonablehe

wasbeing.Hedidn’twantsomethingmorewithme,buthedidn’twantanyoneelsetohavemeeither.He
couldn’thaveitbothways.Itwasn’tfair,andIthinkinthatmomentitfinallyclicked.

“Idon’tknow,”hewhispered,staringvacantlyintospace.“Idon’tknowwhyitmakesmesomad.I’m

confused.Fuck.I’m…I’msorry.”HewasstillholdingBeaandhandedhertomebeforewalkingoverto
thewindowtostareoutattheocean.

Ispoketohisback.“IwasgoingtoaskyouifyoucouldwatchBea,butIthinkit’sbetterifItakeher

withme.”

“No.”Heturnedaround,hishandsinhispockets.“I’llwatchher.Youdeservetogetout.”
“Areyousure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.Thankyou.”
Thatnight,weateinsilence.

***

TheFridayeveningbeforemySaturdaydate,IdecidedtogowatchJustinatSandy’s.

AsidefromplayingwithBea,he’dkepttohimselfsinceouraltercationaboutRoger.Iguessapartof

mewascuriousastowhetherhismoodsomehowcarriedovertohisperformance.

Beawasasleepinhercarrierwhenwearrivedattherestaurant.TonighttheyhadJustinplayingonthe

outdoorstage.Hedidn’tnoticemesittinginafarcorner.

It was a breezy night. A few napkins flew off some tables, and Justin’s hair was blowing around a

littleinthewind.

WhenhestartedacoverofDaughtersbyJohnMayer,itsqueezedatmyheartbecauseIwonderedif

hechosethatsongbecauseofthesituationwithBeaandAdam.Ialsowonderedifhewasthinkingofher.
Mostofthesongshe’dchosentonightwereslowandmelancholy,somuchsothatBeasleptrightthrough
them.

Hisfirstintermissionfinallyrolledaround.Hestillhadn’tnoticedus.Hewasn’tasobservantofthe

audiencetonightingeneral,seemingverymuchinhisownhead.Heusuallyengagedmuchmorewiththe
crowd.

JustasIwasabouttogetupandannouncethatwewerethere,anattractiveyoungredheadmadeher

wayovertothestage.Iwatchedforseveralminutesassheflirtedshamelesslywithhim.Mystomachwas
inknots.Atonepoint,shehandedhimapieceofpaper,whichheputinhispocket.Whetherheacceptedit
tobepoliteorintendedtouseit,Ihadnoidea.Eventhoughthistypeofthingprobablyhappenedevery
night,itstillfeltlikeI’dbeensuckerpunchedandkilledanydesireIhadtostayforthenextset.

BeaandIleft,andJustinneverevenknewwe’dbeenthere.

***

ThesoundofpunchingcouldbeheardcomingfromJustin’sexerciseroom.AsIgotreadyformysort-of-
datewithRoger,itoccurredtomethatthelasttimeJustinbeattheshitoutoftheEverlastpunchingbag
likethatwasthenightofmydatewithDr.Dangerlastsummer.Thisfeltlikedejavu.

Istoodinthedoorwayandwatchedhimattackthebaguntilhenoticedmeandstopped.
Outofbreath,hesaid,“Whattimeareyouleavingagain?”
“Inaboutforty-fiveminutes.IjustwantedtomakesureyouwereallsettowatchBea.”
Hewipedthesweatoffhisforehead.“Yeah.I’llshowerandbedownstairsintimeforyoutoleave.”
“Thankyou.”
Wanting to make sure she had a full stomach before I left, I nursed Bea while Justin was taking his

shower.Sheendedupfallingasleep,soIputherinhercribbeforecheckingmyselfoutonelasttimein
the mirror. The jazz festival was a casual event, so I wore a simple tank top with a denim jacket and
flowyfloralskirt.

Back downstairs, I was waiting for Justin so that I could give him some last minute instructions. I

startedloadingacoupleofbottlesofpumpedmilkintotherefrigeratorwhenIheardhisvoicebehindme.

“She’sasleep?”
“Yup.”
“SowhatdoIneedtoknow?”
WhenIturnedaround,Justinwasleaningagainstthecounter,lookinggorgeous.Afewstrandsofhis

wet hair were falling over his forehead. He hadn’t bothered to put on a shirt. My eyes couldn’t help
travelingdowntohiscutabs.Histhumbswerehookedintothebeltloopsathiswaistline.Whilehisjeans
werezipped,theywereunbuttonedatthetop.Iimaginedwhatitwouldbeliketolickalinestraightdown
thathappytrail.Ontopofthat,hewasbarefoot.

Fuck.Me.
Ihadsomeinstructionstogivehim,yetI’dforgottenthemall.Mymindwentcompletelyblank.
“Nottostealyourownwordsfromyou,Amelia…butmyeyesareuphere.”
Feelingembarrassed,Isimplysaid,“Iknow.”
Heworeasmuggrin.“So…answerme.WhatdoIneedtoknowwhileyou’regone?”
“Um…IhavetwobottlesofmilkthatIpumped.They’resittinginthedoor.”
“Iwon’tdrinkthem.”Hewinked.
“Sheshouldhaveaservingofricecerealwhenshewakesup.Thatwillhelpkeepherstomachfull

whileI’moutincasethetwobottlesaren’tenough.Iliterallyjustfedherbeforeshewentdown.”

Hecrossedhisarms.“Alright…anythingelse?”
“Youshouldchangeherdiaperassoonasshewakesup,too.”
“Gotit.”
Itiltedmyhead.“Anyquestionsforme?”
“Howlateareyoustayingout?”
“Probablynotmorethanafewhours.Ishouldbebackbyeight.”
Whenhedidn’tsayanythingfurther,Iasked,“Anymorequestions?”
Hewassilent,buthisstarewasburningintomine.“Yes,Idoinfact,”hefinallysaid.
“Okay.What?”
“Whywereyoulookingatmelikeyouwanttoeatme?”
“Areyoubeingseriousrightnow?”
“Areyoubeingserious,Amelia?”
“I’mlost.”
“AreyoubeingseriousaboutgoingoutwithRogerPodgerwhenyou’dratherbestayinghomewith

me?”

“WhosaidI’dratherbestayinghomewithyou?”
“Yournipples.”
Isquintedmyeyesincredulously.“Mynipples…”
“Yes. While you were looking at me, I was watching them, and they literally hardened before my

eyes.”Hewalkedslowlytowardmethenleanedin.“Nopartofyou—bodyormind—reallywantstobe
withhim,andyouknowit.You’redoingthistofuckwithmebecauseyouthinkIdon’twantyou.You’re
doingthistomakemejealous.”

“That’snottrue.Noteverythingisaboutyou.”
“Noteverything.Butthis…thisisdefinitelyaboutme.”
“No.”
“Bullshit.YouwantedtoseehowfaryoucouldpushmebeforeIreachedmybreakingpoint.”

“Ifthat’swhatyouwanttobelieve,thenfine.Inthemeantime,youegotisticalass,I’mgoingtoajazz

festival.” I started to walk away, not even sure where I was going, since Roger was supposed to be
comingheretopickmeup.

Hegrippedmywaisttostopme.Flippingmearound,hemovedmecloserintohim,hiseyestelling

meIwasn’tgoinganywhereuntilhedamnwellletme.Justinthenslowlypushedmetowardthedoor,and
my back was now against it. His lips hovered over mine as he panted into my mouth. But he withheld.
Needingtotastehim,Icouldn’ttakeitanymore.Wrappingmyhandsaroundhishead,Ipressedmylips
intohis.Weopenedforeachother,thefeelofhishottongueswirlinginsideofmymouthmoreincredible
thanthecountlesstimesI’dimagineditoverthecourseofadecade.Iranmyfingersthroughhissilkyhair
as we kissed. His mouth was insanely wet, hot, and his taste was addicting. There was no longer a
conceptoftime.

Nudgingmylegsopenwithhisknee,hewedgedhimselfbetweenme.Hishoterectionwaspressing

againstmybody.ThenhetookmyhandandsliditdowntohiscrotchaswekissedsothatIcouldfeel
him.Speakingovermylips,hesaid,“Fuck,Amelia,YouthinkIdon’twantyou?FeelhowmuchIdon’t
wantyou.”

I moaned against his mouth to confirm that I absolutely felt it; it was practically halfway down his

thigh.Experiencingacompletelossofrestraint,Iwascompletelyathismercy.Hiskisswasn’tordinary
or like anything I’d ever felt before. He kissed with all of the force in his body as if the very act was
necessaryforsurvival.Ifhekissedlikethis,Icouldonlyimaginewhatitwasliketohavesexwithhim.

The vibration of Roger’s knocking against the door hit my back. Shamelessly, Justin didn’t even

flinch.Instead,hekissedmeharder,deeper.Hemadeitreallyhardtowanttostop.

FinallypryingmyselfawayfromJustin,Iyelled,“Justaminute!”
Hislipswerestilljustinchesfrommine.Heglaredatmemischievouslybecauseheknewfullwell

thateventhoughIwasgoingoutwithRoger,Iwasn’tgoingtobeabletothinkaboutanythingelse.

Hewiggledhisbrowsandsaid,“Havefun.”
Then,heturnedaroundandwalkedaway,disappearingupthestairs.

***

RogerneversuspectedthatJustinandIhadbeensuckingfacejustmomentsbeforehepickedmeup.I’d
checkedmyreflectioninthemirrorbeforeopeningthedoorandattributedthedelaytobreastfeeding.

We stopped at Maggie’s for takeout lattes on the way to the jazz festival which was held on the

grounds of Fort Adams at the mouth of Newport harbor. Three stages were set up, each featuring a
differentjazzband.Itwasagorgeousafternoonwithonlyaslightchillintheair.Thelocationfeatured
panoramicviewsoftheNewportBridgeandtheEastPassage.

I tried my best to focus on the scenery and music, but my mind was elsewhere. I could still feel

Justin’skiss,couldstilltastehimonmytongue.Mypantiesweresoaked.Iwonderedwhatitallmeant,if
thingsweregoingtobedifferentnow.

Atextalertsounded.

Justin:Stopthinkingaboutme.

Amelia:Youareegotistical.YouonlykissedmebecauseIwasgoingoutwithRoger.

Justin:Technically,youkissedme.

Amelia:HowisBea?

Justin:Changingthesubject?

HethenansweredmyearlierquestionbysendingmeaselfieofBeaandhim.Theywerebothlying

flatonthelivingroomrug.Beawassmiling.Itwasfreakingadorable.

Amelia:Lookslikeyouguysarehavingagoodtime.

Justin:Wemissyou.Youshouldditchhimandcomehangoutwithus.

Amelia:I’malittlescaredtocomehometobehonest.

Justin:Iwon’tbite.Ipromise.Unlessyouaskmeto,inwhichcaseI’lldoitsogentlyyouwon’t

feelanypain.

Amelia:Ican’ttextanymore.It’srude.

Justin:Weneedtotalklater.

Amelia:Aboutwhat?

Justin:I’dliketoapplyfortheposition.

Amelia:Whatposition?

Justin:Yourcasualfuckbuddy.

Amelia:What???

Justin:We’lltalklater.

Ididn’tevenknowwhattosay,soIputmyphoneaway.
Rogerputhishandonmyshoulder.“Iseverythingalrightathome?”
Notexactly.
“Oh,yes.IwasjustcheckingonBea.Everythingisfine.”
“Wanttogograbanearlydinner?”
EventhoughJustin’stexthadmanagedtosquelchmyappetite,Isaid,“Sure.Thatwouldbegreat.”
Roger and I left the festival grounds and had dinner at the Brick Alley Pub. We talked non-stop

throughout our meal. He spoke about his upcoming trip to Irvine to visit his daughter. He beamed with
pridewheneverhespokeofAlyssa,anditoccurredtomehowluckyshewastohaveafatherwhocared
for her so deeply; Bea wouldn’t have that. I could only hope that someone would fill that role for my
daughtersomeday.

Despite the sexual game Justin was playing all of a sudden, he still gave me no assurance that he

reallywantedtobewithuslongterm.EventhoughhewassogreatwithBea,therewasnorealindication
thathewasinterestedinbeingmorethanjusther“uncle.”Hisassertionthatweshouldbe“fuckbuddies”
certainly didn’t count. Justin and I couldn’t really be together so long as he didn’t want children in the
longterm.

Rogerdrovemehomeafterdinner.Iintentionallydidn’tinvitehiminbecauseIwasn’tinanymood

forJustin’santics.

Helingered.“Ihopewecangooutagainsoon.”
“I’dreallylikethat,”Isaid.
Despite my obsessing over Justin throughout the day, I really did enjoy Roger’s company. He was

smart,articulateandareallygoodlistener.

WhenIopenedthedoor,Justinwassittingonthecouchwatchingtelevision.Beawascradledinthe

crookofhisarm.

“Howwasit?”
“Itwasalotoffun,actually.Youwouldlovethejazzfestival.Youshouldcheckitout.Tomorrowis

thelastday,”Isaid,ploppingdownonthecouchnexttohim.

“Good.”Hesmiled,butitwasmoreofachastisinggrin.
ItookBeafromhimandkissedher.“Imissedyou,BeaBee.”
“I’llgetupsoyoucanfeedherinprivate.Isupposeyou’renothungryfordinner.”
“No.RogertookmetotheBrickAlleyPub.”
Hisexpressiondarkened.“Great.”
PotsandpansclankedasJustinnot-so-quietlypreparedhimselfsomethingtoeatinthekitchenwhileI

fed Bea. She fell asleep on my breast, so I put her upstairs in her crib. It was earlier than her normal
bedtime,soIknewshewouldprobablybewakingmeupinthemiddleofthenight.

WhenIreturnedtothekitchen,Justinlookedlikehe’dbeenwaitingforme.Hewaswearingagray

hoodie that was halfway zipped up over his bare chest. He had the hood over his head. Looking quite
tense,hewaspullingathissleeves.

“Weneedtotalk,Amelia.”
“Alright.”
Heliftedhisfacetolookmestraightintheeyes.“Idon’twantyougoingoutwithhimagain.”
“Youcan’tdictatewhoIgooutwith.”
“Well,Idon’twantyougoingoutwithanyone.”
“Idon’tunderstandhowyouthinkyouhavearighttosaythat.”
“Thenhearmeout.”
“I’mlistening.”
“Yousaidyoudon’twantanythingseriousrightnow.”
“That’sright.”
“NeitherdoI.Ijustgotoutofalong-termrelationship.Ireallycan’thandleseriousatthemoment.”
“So,youthinkI’mtheperfectcandidatetoscrewaroundwith?Don’tyouhaveenoughoptions?How

about that redhead that gave you her number the other night when you didn’t even notice Bea and I
standingrightthere.”

Hisexpressionturnedangry.“What?YoucametoSandy’sthatnight?”
“Yes.YouplayedDaughters.Itwasverytouching.”
“Whythefuckdidn’tyoutellmeyouwerethere?”
“Youwerebusy.”
“YouwereallIcouldthinkaboutthatentirenight,Amelia.Everyfuckingsong,Iwasthinkingabout

youorBea.That’sthetruth.Idon’tevenrememberthatwoman’sname.”

“Well,that’sirrelevantIsuppose.Getbacktowhatyouweresaying…aboutwantingmetobeyour

whore.”

“It’snotlikethat.ATALL,Amelia.”Lookinguncharacteristicallynervous,hesaid,“I’vebeendoing

alotofthinkinglately.You’vemadeitclearthatyouneedsomeonetosatisfyyourneeds.Idon’twantyou
fuckingaroundwithsomerandomguywhodoesn’tcareaboutyou.Contrarytowhatyoumightthink,Ido
careaboutyou.So,Iwanttobetheonetotakecareofitforyou.”

“Takecareofit?You’remakingitsoundlikehavingsexwithmeisasurgicalprocedure.”
“Far from it. And take care of it isn’t the right term anyway. Technically I’d be fucking you into

oblivion.”

“I’mnotgoingtobeanyone’smercyfuck,Justin.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” He slipped his hands under his hood and pulled on his hair in

frustration.“Fuck.DoyouhaveanycluehowbadlyIwantyou?Ineedthisjustasmuchasyou.”

“I’msorry,butyou’rereallyconfusingme.Youcareaboutme,butyoudon’twanttobewithme.You

justwanttofuckme.Itjustseemslikeanoxymoron.”

“Iwanttogiveyouwhatyouneedtoday…nottomorrowortenyearsdowntheline.Today.Itjustso

happensthatwhatyouneedisalsowhatIneed.Ineedtosatisfythisfuckingitchthathasbeeneatingaway
at me for over a decade. I need to be with you on a physical level before I fucking explode. But I just
can’t put a label on everything right now. I can’t make promises for the future because that would be
irresponsible.Thereistoomuchatstake.Iwon’tmakeapromisetothatlittlegirlonlytoletherdown.”

“So, you’re suggesting that we forget everything else, just start a physical relationship with no

expectations.”

“Thatwaswhatyousaidyouwantedwithsomerandomguy,right?Whynotwithme?It’safuckofa

lotsafer.”

“BecauseIdon’tthinkthat’spossiblewithyou.Idon’tthinkIcancompartmentalizeyearsoffeelings

inordertohaveacasualsexualrelationshipwithyou.Youmattertoomuchtome.Iwillalwayswantyou
inmylife.Ifwehavesex,wecannevertakethatback.Iwouldneverbeabletolookatyouthesame.”

“You’dneverbeabletowalkthesame.”
“Canyoubeserious?”
“Iambeingserious.”Hesmiled.“Okay…inallhonesty,Iwantyoutothinkaboutmyproposition.I’m

justaskingyoutoconsiderlivinginthemoment,havingalittlefunwithme,takingthingsdaybyday.”

“Takethingsdaybydayandthenonedaywakeupandfindyougone?”
“I’mnotgoinganywhereanytimesoon.”
Apartofmewantedtoleapintohisarmsandtakehimuponhispropositionrightthereonkitchen

counter,butthelogicalpartjustcouldn’tagreetothis.“Idon’tknow.”

“Ifthere’sanythingIcandotohelpmakeyourdecisioneasier,letmeknow.Justthinkaboutit.You

don’thavetomakeadecisionrightnow.Sleeponit.Orsleeponme.Whateveryoudecide.”

Hestartedtowalktowardthestairs.
“Whereareyougoing?”
“Upstairs.I’llleavethedooropenincaseyoudecidethere’ssomethingyou’dliketowatchlater.”

CHAPTER15

I’d gone straight to my own room that night and didn’t come out because I couldn’t trust myself around
him. Was he even serious? A small part of me pondered whether he was just pulling my leg with that
proposition.Maybethiswassomegrandschemetogetbackatmeforhurtinghimadecadeago…lureme
tosuccumbtohissexualcharmsthentellmeitwasjustajoke.

Tossingandturning,Iconsideredalltheprosandconsandcametotheconclusionthatwhilesexwith

him would be amazing, it would only result in my getting hurt. It would also ruin our second chance at
friendshipwhichwasstillnewandonshakyground.

Atthesametime,Iwascompletelyturnedon,mypantiessoakingwetfromthewayhewasspeaking

tome.Justthethoughtofbeingwithhimwasgettingmeoff.

Atsomepointinthemiddleofthenight,Imusthavefallenasleepwhileruminating.WhenIwokeup

thenextmorning,itwasafter11AM.Ihadn’tsleptthatlateinages.

The sun was streaming through the sheer white curtains of my bedroom window. Had I dreamt my

conversationwithJustinlastnight?ItoccurredtomethatBeawasmissingfromhercrib.

IrandownstairstofindJustinsittinginthelivingroom.
“Where’sBea?”
“She’srighthere.Checkthisout.”Beawasslowlycrawlingtowardhimasheluredherwithanew

stuffedtoy.Itwasalongrainbow-coloredstuffedcaterpillarthatsqueaked.

“Comeon,Bumblebee,”hesaidtoher.Ilovedhisnicknameforher.
Beawasinchingtowardhim;itwashermostimpressiveattemptatmobilityyet.
“She’scrawlingtowardyou!”
“Iknow.We’vebeenpracticingallmorning.”
“Wheredidyougetthattoy?”
“Ipickeditupforhertheotherdayfromthetoyshopdowntown.”
“Soyoucameinsidetheroomthismorningandtookheroutofthecrib?”
“No, she walked downstairs herself, Amelia,” he quipped. “Of course. I peeked in on you because

youneversleepthatlate,wantedtomakesureyoudidn’tpassoutfromdiddlingyourselftothoughtsofme
lastnight.”

“Notquite.Althoughyouwereonmymind.”
“Anyway…she was just sitting there in her crib, looking at me, quiet as a mouse while you were

snoring.So,Itookherdownstairssoyoucouldstaysleeping.Youhadapumpedbottleinthefridge,so
wefinishedthatoff.”HelookeddownatBea.“She’smybreakfastbuddynow.”

“Thanksfordoingthat.”
“It’snoproblem.”
Oureyeslocked,andIfeltlikeIneededtobreaktheice.“Justin,aboutlastnight…”
Hegotupsuddenlyfromthecouch.“Don’tworryaboutit.Iwasoutofline.Iwentalittlecrazy,got

jealous.”

Iwassurprisedthathe’dchangedhistunesofast.“Really?”
“Yeah.Iwasn’tthinkingwiththerighthead.”
“Okay…thenI’mgladwebothagree.”

“Well,Ihavealotofworktogetdone.So…”HepickedupBeaoffthefloor,liftingherupoverhis

headbriefly.“I’llseeyoulater,Bumblebee.”

Hethenretreatedtohisroomanddidn’tcomeoutfortherestoftheafternoon.
Moreconfusedthanever,Iwentaboutmyday,cleaningthehouseanddoingBea’slaundry.
It was the beginning of September, and the weather was starting to get chilly on the island. A few

weeksback,I’dofficiallynotifiedtheschooldepartmentbackinProvidencethatIwouldn’tbereturning
tomyjobthisyear.Itwasatoughdecisionbutonethatwasbestformydaughter.Mysavingswouldcarry
methroughabouttwelvemonths.Inayear’stime,Iwouldreassessmysituation,eitherreturntoteaching
ormaybetrytofindawork-from-homejob.

Aknockonthedoorpromptedmetoplacemybroominthecorner.
Uponopeningthedoor,myheartnearlyskippedabeatatthesightofafamiliarleggyblondewitha

pixiecut.“Jade.Ohmygoodness.Thisisunexpected.”

“Surprise!” She leaned in to hug me before stepping back. “Gosh, you look great, Amelia. Did you

loseweight?Don’tpeoplenormallygainweightafterhavingababy?”

“IguessIgotluckymydaughterdidn’tletmeeatorsleepforthefirstfewmonths.”Tryingtomaskmy

discomfort,Iasked,“IsJustinexpectingyou?”

“No.Notatall.Isheupstairs?Isawhiscaroutside.”
“Yeah.He’sinhisofficeworking.”
ShetooknoticeofBeaplayingintheExersaucer.“Sheissobeautiful.Shelooksjustlikeyou.CanI

takeheroutofthisthing?”

“Sure.”
AnuneasyfeelingdevelopedasIwatchedJadecrouchdowntoseemydaughter.
Whatwasshedoinghere?
Hadheinvitedher?
Wasthatthereasonforhissuddenchangeoftune?
Whatfeltlikeblindingjealousybombardedme.
JadeliftedBeauptoholdher.“Shesmellssogood.Whatisthat?”
“It’sDreft,thebabydetergentIuseonherclothes.”
“MaybeIshouldgiveyousomeofmyclothestowash.Shesmellssofreshandclean.”
Iwastotallyoverthesmalltalk.“Whatbringsyouhere,Jade?”
SittingdownonthecouchandplacingBeaonherlap,shesaidmatter-of-factly,“Iscrewedup.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“IfuckedeverythingupwithJustin.Thispastyear,I’dgiveneverythingIhadtomyjobandnothingto

him.Itookhimforgranted.Didhesayanythingtoyouaboutwhywebrokeup?”

“HejusttoldmethatheendedthingswhenhewentbacktoNewYorkearlierthissummer.Hedidn’t

reallygointothedetails.”

“Itwasamisunderstanding.”
“Howso?”
“He’d come to surprise me and found me having dinner at the apartment with my co-star, Greg

Nivens.Justinjumpedtoconclusions.NothingwasgoingonwithGreg.Itwasabusinessmeeting.Things
hadbeenroughbetweenJustinandmeforawhilebeforethat,butIwouldhavenevercheatedonhim.”

“So,you’rehereto—”
“Getmymanback.Yes.Ineverfoughtforhim.Ineverpleadedwithhim.Iwasinsuchshockwiththe

waythingsendedthatInevertrulyreflectedonmyresponsibilityinallofit.Itwasbasicallyallmyfault.
Istilllovehimsomuch.”

No.
No.
No.
This unexpected and imminent threat was putting my true feelings to the test. I was terrified to lose

him,terrifiedhe’dgobacktoNewYorkwithher.Mybodystiffenedindefense,somehowpreparingtogo
towarinabattleitwasdestinedtolose.

“Wow.Idon’tknowwhattosay.I—”
Justin’sdeepvoicestartledme.“Jade.Whatareyoudoinghere?”
Shestoodup,stillcarryingBea.“Hi.”
Hiseyesshiftedovertomebrieflythenbacktoher.
“Howlonghaveyoubeenhere?”heasked.
“Justafewminutes.Icameallthewayherebecauseweneedtotalk.Canwegosomewhere?Maybe

takeawalkonthebeach?”

Mychestfeltheavy,andIwassweatingfromnerves.
Justinlookedoveratmeagaininafleetingglancebeforesaying,“Letmegetmyjacket.”
When the door shut behind them, all of the fear I’d been holding in released from me in one swift

breathonlytostartbuildingupagaininmygut.

IlookedoveratBeaandspoketoherlikeshecouldunderstand.“Idon’twanthimtoleave.”
Shecooedandbabbledwhileshesmackedherhanddownononeofthesqueakytoysattachedtoher

playset.

“I’mafraidtobewithhimandafraidtobewithouthim.”
Sheblewacoupleofraspberries,drooldrippingdownherchin.
“Youreallyadorehim,don’tyou?”
“Ba…Ba,”sheanswered.
Myhearthammeredagainstmychest.“Iknow.Me,too.”

***

Justinwasgoneforalmostsixhours.Iwassurehewasn’tcominghome.

Whenthekeyturnedinthedooraroundten-thirtythatnight,Istraighteneduponthesofa,tryingtolook

casualsothatitdidn’tappearlikeI’dbeenanxiouslyawaitinghisreturn.

Justin rubbed his eyes and threw his coat on a chair. He went to the kitchen to grab a drink before

takingaseatnexttome.

Iswallowed,afraidtoask,“WhereisJade?”
Hetookasipofhisbeerthenstaredblanklydownatthebottleashetwirleditaroundmindlesslyin

hishands.“She’sonherwaybacktoNewYork.Idrovehertothetrain.”

“Iwasn’tsureifyou’dbecomingbacktonight.”
Hewassilentforalongtimethenlookedintomyeyes.“Nothinghappened,Amelia.”
“Youdon’towemeanexplanation.”
Hespokelouder,“Idon’t?Areyoukiddingyourself?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“YouseemtothinkthatIcan’tseerightthroughyou.Isawyourfacewhensheshowedup.Youwere

scared.Whycan’tyouadmitthat?Whycan’tyouadmitthatyou’rejustasfuckingscaredofwhat’sbeen
happeningbetweenusasIam?”

Idon’tknow.

WhenIdidn’trespond,hesimplysaid,“Wetookawalkonthebeach…talked.Then,Idroveherto

thetrain.”

“Youweregonesolong.Ijustassumed…”
“Thatweweresomewherefucking?No.Idrovearoundforawhilealonejusttothink.”
“Isee.WhatdidyouandJadedecide?”
“ShethinkstherealreasonIendeditwasbecauseI’dfoundherhangingoutwiththatguy,butthat’s

not the truth. I’d gone to New York with the full intention of breaking things off before I even saw her
havingdinnerwithhim.”

“Youexplainedthattoher?”
“Icouldn’tbecompletelyupfrontabouteverything.”
“Whynot?”
“BecauseI’dhavetoadmitstufftoherthatIhaven’tevenadmittedtoyou…andIdidn’twanttohurt

herevenmore.”

“Thingslike…”
“RememberwhatIsaidaboutcheating?”
“Thatifyouhavetheurgetocheatonsomeone,it’sbettertojustbreakupwiththatperson?”
“Yeah.Well,Ihadtheurgetocheat…withyou…multipletimeslastsummer.Ithoughtthatmaybeyou

becoming a mother would somehow make me see you in a different light now, make me less attracted
somehow,butthathasn’tbeenthecase.It’sbeentheopposite.You’veneverbeensexiertome.Butevenif
nothingweretohappenbetweenus,myattractiontoyouisasignthatsomethingwasoffbetweenJade
andme.Youshouldn’tcovetsomeoneelselikethatifyou’reinahealthyrelationship.It’sanindication
thatsomethingismissing,evenifyoudon’tknowexactlywhatitis.Idon’tbelieveindraggingthingsout
iftheoutcomeisalreadydeterminedinyourmind.”

“IsJadeokay?”
“Notreally.”
It really did pain me to know that she was hurting. I felt bad for her and remained confused about

wherethingsstoodwithJustinandme.

“Whatdowedonow?”Iasked.
“I’vealreadytoldyouwhatIwanttodo.”
“Ithoughtthismorningyousaidyoucametotheconclusionitwasabadidea,thatyoudidn’twantthat

withmeanymore.”

“Ineversaidthat.WhatImeantwasthatIwasoutoflineinthewayIpresentedittoyou.Iwasbeing

overlyaggressivebecauseIfeltthreatened,cameontoyoulikeacaveman.IneverexplicitlysaidIdidn’t
wantit,andfortherecord,neitherdidyou.”

“Iexplainedmyreservations…”
“And I understand them. I fully get why you’re afraid to take things to a sexual level with me. The

logicalsideofmethinksyou’reright,buttheillogicalsideofmedoesn’tgiveafuckandisonlythinking
aboutliftingyouovermyfacerightnowandmakingyoucomewhileyouridemymouth.”

Thosewordshitmestraightbetweenthelegs.
Hewenton,“Thefactthatyoujustsquirmedinyourseatisproofthatyoualsohaveanillogicalside.

Maybe our illogical sides need to meet sometime.” He leaned into me and grinned. “But not tonight.
Despiteyourthreateningtofindafuckbuddy…you’renotready.Thatwouldbelikejumpingoverallthe
lettersofthealphabetfromAtoZ.”

“You’vebeenwatchingtoomuchSesameStreetwithBea.”
“Fuck.Maybe.Anyway,you’reatlevelArightnow.MydickisatlevelZ.Anditdoesn’tmatchup.

ThatwasoneofthethingsIfiguredoutonmydrivetonight.Thatyou’renotthereyetdespiteallyourtalk
abouthotelsex.”Hegotup.“I’llberightback.”

Whenhereturned,hewasholdingsomethingbehindhisback.“What’stheonethingwedidwhenwe

were younger whenever we were in a shitty mood or just didn’t know what the fuck to do with
ourselves?”

“We’dwatchTheBigLebowski.”
HedisplayedtheDVDfrombehindhim.“Bingo.”
“Ican’tbelieveyoustillhavethat.”
“Alwayshaveitonhand.”
“I’llpopsomepopcorn,”Isaid,eagerlyrunningtothekitchen,relievedthatthetensionintheairhad

lessened.Hewasright.Iwasn’tready.Ididn’twanttolosehim,butasmuchasIwantedhim,Iwasn’t
readyforasexualrelationshipwithhimoranyone.

We sat in comfortable silence watching the cult movie that in retrospect was probably way too

inappropriateforourformerthirteen-year-oldselves.Butneitherofushadparentswho’dmonitoredwhat
we watched back then. The opening scene where the main character got his head shoved in a toilet
broughtbacksomanymemories.Weusedtothinkitwasthegreatestthingever.

Midway through the flick, Justin lay on his back, resting his head on my lap. Without thinking it

through,Ididwhatfeltnaturalandmassagedmyhandthroughthesilkystrandsofhishair.

HeletoutaslightgroanofpleasureashecontinuedtowatchthemoviewhileIplayedwithhishair.
Atonepoint,heturnedtome,andIinstinctivelymovedmyhandoffofhim,rememberingthetimelast

summerwhenhe’dtoldmetostop.“Whydidyoustop?”Herealizeditonhisown.“NowayI’mtelling
youtostopthistime,Amelia.Pleasekeepdoingit.Itfeelssogood.”

Ikeptatitforthebetterpartofahalf-hour.
MyattentionwasnolongeronthemoviewhenIasked,“Whatelsedidyoufigureoutonyourdrive

tonight?”

“ThatIstillloveyourdimples.”Helookedupatme.“Ihaven’tfigureditallout;butIknowthatfor

sure.”

CHAPTER16

SeptemberturnedintoOctoberaswewelcomedautumnandthechangingcolorsoftheleavesonthetrees
surroundingtheisland. Inthemonth sincethenight wewatched The Big Lebowski, things stayed pretty
innocentbetweenus;wehadn’tdiscussedsexagainnorattemptedtodefineourrelationship.Butwewere
gettingcloserorganically.

Beawasnowsevenmonthsanddevelopingmoreofapersonalityeveryday.
Justin had taken one short trip to New York at the end of September to meet with his music agent

who’d set up a studio session to record some of his original songs for a demo. Overall, we were still
takingitdaybyday,andtherewasnoclearindicationofwhen,orevenif,he’dbegoingbacktothecity
forgood.

Halloween fell on a Saturday this year. We decided to take Bea to a local pumpkin patch. Justin

snappedlotsofphotosofmeandmydaughteramongsttheseaoforangeandhay.Wetookafewselfiesof
thethreeofusaswell.IknewIwouldalwaystreasurethosepictures.JustinandIsippedhotcideraswe
enjoyedthecrispairwitharosy-cheekedBea,whowasbundledupinahatandmittens.Despitethefact
thattherearethousandsofdaysinthecourseofalife,thiswasthekindofdayyoujustknewyou’dnever
forgetforaslongasyoulived.

The plan was to spend a few hours out then return home to give out candy while dressed in our

costumes.

Knowing that Halloween was always my favorite holiday, Justin went all out. After the pumpkin

patch, he dropped Bea and me off at the house before heading to the Christmas Tree Shops in nearby
Middletown,wheretheysoldlotsofseasonalHalloweenitems.

Itwasnightfallbythetimehereturnedwithatonofbags.He’dpurchasedaplethoraoforangeand

blackdecorationsalongwithpackagesofcandyandabumblebeecostumeforBea.

“Theydidn’thaveanysuitablecostumesforusattheChristmasTreeShops,soIwenttoacoupleof

otherplaces.That’swhyI’mlate.Icouldn’tdecideonyours,soIgotmorethanone.”

“Well, let’s see.” I reached out my arm. “Hand them over.” One of the bags was from Island

Costumes,andtheotherwasfrom…AdamandEve.“Isn’tAdamandEveanadultnoveltystore?”

“Yeah.Itwasrightnextdoortothecostumeplace.”
HeflashedawickedgrinasIsquintedmyeyessuspiciously.Openingtheotherbagfirst,Itookouta

Catwomancostumewhichwasone-pieceandmadeoutofblacknylon.Italsocamewithamask.

“That’sfortonight…forthetrickortreaters,”hesaid.
“What’stheotheronefor?”
“For…whenever.Ijustthoughtyou’dlookgoodinit.”
IreluctantlyopenedtheAdamandEvebagandpulledoutawhitesheerpieceofmaterialwithred

accents.Therewerelittlepatchesintheshapesofcrossesatthenipplearea,andyoucouldliterallysee
rightthroughthefabric.

MyeyeswidenedasIreadthetag.“NurseFeelGood?”
“It reminded me of when you took care of me when I was sick.” His face was unusually flush, like

he’dactuallybeenembarrassedtogiveittome.

“Youwantmetowearthis?”

Hebithisbottomlip.“Notnow.”
I looked down at the tag again. “Panties not included. Something tells me that’s because I’m not

supposedtowearany?”

“Look…IknowImayneveractuallygettoseeyouinthat.Honestly,Ijustgotreallyturnedoninthe

storethinkingaboutyouinit.Ihadtobuyit.Aguycandream,right?”

He was getting turned on thinking about me, and I was getting really turned on thinking about him

gettingturnedonthinkingaboutme.

Iclearedmythroat.“Whatareyougoingtobe?”
Winking,hesaid,“It’sasurprise.”
We had about an hour before the trick or treaters were set to start arriving. Justin hung the orange

lightsalongthewindowandputsomelitcarvedpumpkinsoutsidealongthesteps.Hedimmedthemain
lightsinthehouseandlitcandles.Itwasacrossbetweenspooky,romanticandcozy.

“Livinginthecity,IreallymissedHalloween,”hesaid,rippingopenbagsandfillingthebowlwith

candy.“Youdon’tgettrickortreatersattheapartment.”

I smiled inwardly, noticing he’d bought extra of my favorite candy bars from when we were kids,

AlmondJoy.

“I’mgonnagoupstairsandgetBeadressed,getintomycostume,too,”Isaid.
“Alright.I’llgochangeafteryou.”
Upstairs,Islippedintotheslinkyblackoutfitwhichlookedlikeitcouldhavebeenspraypaintedonto

mybody.Placingthemaskon,Ilookedatmyselfinthemirror.Itwasprettydamnsexy,actually.Itwasno
wonderwhyhe’dchosenit.Myownknee-highblackleatherstilettobootscompletedthelook.Beawas
standinginthecriblookingamusedatseeinghermommyinthisgetup.

Aftergettingherintothefurrybumblebeecostume,wereturneddownstairs.
Justin’seyespoppedashelookedmeupanddown.“Wow.Lookatyou.Idefinitelypickedtheright

costume.”

“Notveryscary.Moresexy.”
“Well,you’rescaringmestiff.”HewriggledhisbrowsbeforetakingBeafrommeandkissingheron

thecheek.“Youareofficiallyabumblebeenow,Bumblebee.”Carryingherovertothewindow,hesaid.
“Lookatthelights,Bea.Iputthemupforyou.”He’dgoneoffwithher,hisvoicenolongeraudibleashe
whispered in her ear while showing her the decorations. He took her outside to look at the carved
pumpkins.

Ijuststoodbackandwatchedthem,wonderingwhenexactlywe’dbecomealittlefamily.Wasthere

an exact moment when we had crossed over? As much as I wanted to deny it as a self-protective
mechanism,thepastfourmonthswithJustinhadfeltmorelikeafamilyexperiencethananythingelsein
myentirelifeeverhad.Scaryornot,ithadhappened—bothofusunabletoadmitittoeachother.Ithad
justevolvednaturallywithoutdiscussion.ButwhileBeawasmyentirelifeforatleastthenexteighteen
years,wasJustinonlytemporarilyplayinghouse?Thatremainedtobeseen.

Justinwalkedoverandhandedhertome.“I’mgonnagochange.Berightback.”
ThefirstgroupoftrickortreatersarrivedbeforeJustinreturned.CarryingBeainonearm,Igrabbed

thelargebowlandheadedtothedoortogiveoutthecandy.

AsIwaswavingthemoff,Ifeltthewarmthofhisbodybehindme.
“I’mback.”
WhenIturnedaround,thesightofhimnearlyknockedthewindoutofme.Justinwasdressedinall

black. He was supposed to be a SWAT team officer. A short sleeve black shirt displayed his muscular
arms.AblackvestwiththewordsSWATinwhitecoveredtheshirt.Hewaswearingsleekblackpants

andheavycombatboots.ItwasoneofthehottestthingsI’deverseen.

“Ohmy…”Mybodywasburningupbeneathmytightspandexgetup.
“Youlikeit?”
“Yeah…Iloveit.”
“They didn’t have a ton of costumes left in my size. It was either this or a clown. I didn’t want to

scareBea.”

“Thiswas…yeah…averygoodcall.”
“I’mgladyouthinkso,”hewhisperedclosetomyneck.
Weonlygotafewtrickortreaters,butitwasstillexcitinganytimeanyoneknockedonthedoor.Iwas

gratefulthatRogerwasoutinIrvinevisitinghisdaughter,sothatIdidn’thavetodealwithanypotential
awkwardness between him and Justin. If Roger were home, he might have stopped in to say hello. We
hadn’tgoneoutagainsincethejazzfestival.ThingsbetweenJustinandmehadevolvedabitsincethen.

Itwasalmosttimetocalllightsout.CherifromnextdoorhadstoppedintoseeBeainhercostume.

AsIlingeredatthedooraftersayinggoodbyetoher,IlookedoveratJustinandBeainthekitchen.AsI
watchedhimrockinghertosleep,arealizationhitme.WhetherIavoidedasexualrelationshipwithhim
ornot,myheartwasalreadyinvested.Inmymind,hebelongedtome.Soavoidinghimphysicallyoutof
fearjustmeantthatIwasmissingoutonsomethingIdesperatelyneededandwanted.Whetherwehadsex
ornot,ifheleft,I’dbejustasdevastated.LookingoverathiminthatsexyashellSWATuniform,Ijust
knewIcouldn’tletfearpreventmefromexperiencingitanylonger.

I walked over to the both of them and kissed Bea’s head softly. When I looked up at him, he was

already looking down at me with an intensity that almost seemed as if he knew exactly what I’d been
thinkingjustsecondsearlier.Hecuppedmyentirefaceinhishandandpulledmefirmlyintohislips.It
wasthefirsttimewe’dkissedsincethemomentrightbeforemydatewithRoger.Thiskisswasdifferent
thanthatone;itwastender.

Mywholebodyfeltlimpashespokegrufflyovermylips,“Whydon’tyouputhertobed.”
Isimplynodded.MylegsfeltwobblyasIwalkedupthestairs.Inmyroom,IcarefullyremovedBea

fromhercostumesoasnottowakeherandplacedherinthecrib.

AsItookoffmyCatwomanleotard,IstaredoverattheAdamandEvebagtauntingmeonthebureau.
ShouldI?
Ithoughtabouthisadmissionthathe’dfantasizedaboutmeinitanddecidedtoshockhimbyputtingit

on.Iplacedthesheermaterialovermyhead.Myswollenbreastswerecompletelyexposedwithonlythe
redcrossesbarelycoveringmynipples.Itseriouslylookedobscenelyhot;hewasgoingtofreak.

Slippingmyownredthongon,Iwasalreadywetjustthinkingabouthisreaction.Tonight,Iwasgoing

tobeabletotouchhim,tastehim,doallofthethingsI’ddreamtabout.Goosebumpscoveredmyentire
bodyasItiptoeddownthehall.

Hisdoorwashalfwayopenwhilehestoodshirtlesslookingoutthewindowasthemoonlightshined

onhisgorgeoussilhouette.Justinhadbeenwaitingforme.

He’dkepttheblacktrousersonfromtheSWATgetup.Theyhuggedhisroundasssoperfectlythatmy

mouthwateredfromtheurgetobiteit.I’dadmiredhisbeautifulbodylikethissomanytimesbeforefrom
afar,yetIknewthistimewasdifferent.

“Hi,”Isaid,promptinghimtoturnaround.
Ashetookmeinfromtoptobottom,Justin’sbreathhitched,hishungryeyessoakingineveryinchof

me.“Fuck,”hegrowledunderhisbreath.“Holyshit.You’rewearingit.”

Heslowlyapproachedthentookmyfaceinbothofhispalms.Iwasshiveringwithneed.Heslidhis

hands down then traced his index finger down my neck, over my breasts and stopped at my navel. His

eyes looked like he was in a trance as he examined every inch of my body, which was completely
exposedthroughthesheerfabric.

Heclosedhiseyesbriefly.Whenheopenedthem,thesamelookofaweremainedonhisface.Itwas

asifhehadn’texpectedtostillseemestandingthere.“Noone’severcomparedtoyou,Amelia.Youhave
toknowthat.”Myheartfeltlikeitwasgoingtocombustuponhearinghimsaythat.

Then, he dropped to his knees. He wrapped his hands around my waist as he pushed me into him,

kissingmynavelandswirlinghistongueslowlyovermystomach.Heloweredhismouthinsoftkisses,
stoppingbetweenmylegs.

Slippinghishandintothebackofmythong,heroughlygrippedthematerialbeforeslidingitslowly

down my legs. As he stood up with my underwear in his hand, he said, “Fuck. They’re drenched.” He
slowlysniffedthemandletoutalongbreathbeforeshakinghisheadslowly.“Ican’twaittotasteyou.”
He pointed down to his crotch. “Look at me.” His pants could barely contain him, his cock was so
swollenitseriouslylookedlikeitcouldpuncturethematerial.“Idon’tthinkI’veeverbeenthisexcited
about anything. I’ve dreamt of this moment for what feels like my whole life. I never thought it would
happen.Iwanttosavorit.”

He took my hand and led me over to his bed. Sitting down on the edge, he lifted me onto him. My

kneeswerewrappedaroundhisthighs,andmybarepussywasstraddlinghiserectionoverthematerialof
his pants. His eyes were hazy as he looked up at me. “Tell me what your deepest, darkest fantasy is. I
wanttomakeitcometruetonight.”WhenIhesitated,hesaid,“Let’splayalittle.Tellmewhatyouwant.
Don’tbeafraid;nothingisofflimits.Anythingyouwant.”

I knew exactly what I wanted, what I’d been fantasizing about almost every single time I’d

masturbatedsincelastsummer.

“IwantyoutostrokeyourselflikeyouweredoingthedayIwaswatchingyou,exceptthistimeIwant

ittobewhileyou’relookingatme.Iwanttoseehowmuchyouwantme.”

Hislipscurledintoasmile.“Ihaveafuckedupconfession.”
“What?”
“Iwasthinkingofyouthatday.Whenyouappearedatmydoor,forasplitsecond,Ithoughtmymind

wasplayingtricksonme,thoughtIwasimaginingyouatfirst.”

“Really?”
“I haven’t been able to picture much else for a long time.” He pushed my body into him. “So, your

fantasyistowatchmejerkofftoyou,naughtygirl?”

Iswallowed.“Yes.”
“Thatcanbearranged.Threeconditionsthough…”
“Okay.”
“One…you’llstripdowncompletelynakedforme.”
“Alright.”
“Two…you’llhelpme.”
“Alright.Andthree?”
“Itendswithmeinsideofyou.Ineedtofuckyoutonight.Ican’twaitanylonger.”
No longer able to form coherent words, I simply nodded and waited for direction as he moved his

bodybackagainsttheheadboard.

Heslidhishanddownoverhiscrotchandbegantorubhiscockslowlyandfirmlythroughhispants.

“Youhavethemostamazingtits,Amelia.TakethatoffsoIcanseethem.”

Mybreastsweretingling,soturnedonbyhisdemandingtone.Therewasn’tanythingIwouldn’tdo

forhimrightnow.Sittingatophislowerlegs,Islippeddownmyspaghettistraps.Thematerialfelldown

butnotcompletelyoffofmychest,offeringhimonlyapartialview.

“Suchatease,”hegrittedhisteethandclutchedhisdickharder.“Takeitoff.”
Lifting the material over my head, I tossed it aside. Suddenly stark naked in front of him, I

instinctuallycoveredmybreastsforamoment.

“Don’tyoudare,”hewarnedwithaslysmile.“Ineedtoseeallofyou.”
Justinslowlyunzippedhispants,andhisfullyhardcocksprungout.Hewrappedhisfistarounditand

begantoslowlypumpitupanddownashelookedupatme.ItwasthesexiestthingI’deverexperienced.

“This is what you wanted?” he whispered as he jerked himself hard while his eyes travelled over

everyinchofme.

Inoddedaswetnesstrickleddownmythigh.
Hespokebetweenlaboredbreaths.“You’resofuckingbeautiful,baby.Sofuckingbeautiful.”
Igrindedagainsthim,turnedonbeyondbeliefbythewayhewaslookingatmealongwithhiswords.
“I can feel how wet you are against my legs. Keep rubbing yourself on me like that. I want to be

coveredinyou,”hesaidashestrokedhimselfharder.

Irockedagainsthislegsandlickedmyfingertips,circlingthemaroundmynipplesbeforesqueezing

mybreaststogether.

“Shit.Keepdoingthat.”
Hewascoveredinprecumshafttotip.Knowingthatitwasmethatcausedhisarousalwassodamn

exciting.

Hestoppedandlaybacktocatchhisbreathforamomentthensimplysaid,“Now,youtouchme.”
Ithoughthe’dneverask.Reachingover,Iwrappedmyfingersaroundhisthickgirth,whichwasso

hot and wet in my hands. It felt incredible to touch him. I jerked him slowly at first then moved faster,
absolutelylovingthefeelofhisprecumallovermyhand.Wantingsobadlytotastehim,Istoppedtolick
mypalmashewatchedeverymovementofmytongue.Then,Iswallowedashewatchedmeintently.

“Fuck,that’shot,”hesaid.WhenIstartedtolowermymouthdownontohimtolickthefreshbeadof

moistureonhistip,hestoppedme.“Don’tdothat.Notyet.I’llcomeintwoseconds,andIwantthisto
last.”

“Okay.”IsmiledasIcontinuedtostrokehiscock,enjoyingthemoansescapingfromhimashetried

hardtocontrolhimself.

Heeventuallyplacedhishandoverminetostopmeandsaid,“Ican’ttakeitanymore.Ineedtotaste

you.” He suddenly slid his body down under me, lifting me effortlessly over his mouth. I gasped,
unsuspectingofthesuddensensationashevoraciouslylickedandsucked,alternatingbetweenpenetrating
mewithhistongueandlappingovermyclit.Heheldontomyhipsasheguidedmeoverhismouth,his
stifled sounds of pleasure vibrating through my core. He devoured me unapologetically and roughly. It
wasthemostunbelievablesensationI’deverexperienced.

WhenJustinsensedmelosingcontrol,hestopped.“AsmuchasI’mdyingforyoutocomeonmyface,

Iwantustocometogetherwithmeinsideofyou.”Heslidbackandkneeledaboveme.Hiscockwasso
unbelievablyengorged.Hecontinuedjerkinghimselfashelookeddownatmeintomyeyes.Hesuddenly
took my face and began to just kiss me deeply. He pushed his weight down onto me as I landed on my
back.Hisslickcockrubbedagainstmystomachashekissedmewitheverythinghehadinhim.

“Why the fuck did we wait so long?” he said against my lips. I shook my head and pulled his hair,

egginghimontokissmeharder,unabletogetenoughofhistaste.

ItfeltlikeIwasgoingtodieifhedidn’tentermesoon.Intuitively,Justinpulledawayfrommeand

reachedovertothebedsidetable.Iheardthecrinkleofawrapperasherippedthecondompackageopen
withhisteeth.“I’mgonnafuckyousogood,Amelia.Ican’twaittohearwhatyousoundlikewhenImake

youcome.Youready?”

Bitingmybottomlip,Inoddedinaffirmation.“God,yes.”
AsJustinslidthecondomoneffortlessly,Bea’sfranticcrycouldbeheardindistance,comingfrom

downthehall.

Webothfroze,mewithmylegswideopenreadytoreceivehimandJustinwithhishandonhisdick.
No.
No.
Pleaseno!
NOT.NOW.
We both continued to stay still as if somehow not moving would just make it stop. That was just

wishfulthinking.Whenitbecameevidentthatweweren’tgoingtogetthatlucky,Justingotupandslipped
hisunderwearandpantsbackon.“I’llgocheckonher.Maybeshejustneedstobechanged.”

“Areyousure?”
“Yeah.Stayrightwhereyouare…spreadeagle.Don’tmove.I’llbeback.”
Justinstoppedintothebathroomtowashhishandsbeforeventuringdownthehall.
Tooworkeduptoargueinmystarknakedstate,Iwaitedimpatientlyforhimtoreturn.
Afteracoupleofminutes,Icouldhearhisvoicefromdownthehall.“Amelia!”
Ijumpedup.“Iseverythingokay?”
“She’sfine,butIneedyourhelp.”
IransackedJustin’sdrawerforsomethingtothrowonthenslippedoneofhiswhitet-shirtsovermy

headbeforerunningdownthehall.

AssoonasIenteredtheroom,whatsmelledlikeapoopexplosionfoggedtheair.Justinwasholding

Beaoutawayfromhimwithbothhandsashesaid,“Wehaveahazmatsituation.She’scoveredinshit…
gotitallthewayuptothebackofherneck.”

Beastartedtolaugh,promptingJustintosay,“Youthinkthisisfunny?Howdoyoushitallthewayup

toyourheadanyway?That’saspecialtalent,Bumblebee.”

She giggled again, and we both couldn’t help cracking up right along with her despite the mini-

disaster.

OnceIcalmeddown,Isaid,“Okay.Here’swhatwe’regonnado.Juststayholdingher.I’mgonnaget

aplasticbagforherclothesandcleanherasbestIcanwithwipes.Then,we’lltakehertothetub.”

JustincontinuedtoholdBeawhileIcleanedheroff.Hewasmakingmelaughwhilehespoketoher.

“Nowonderwhyyou’resmiling.Ibetyoufeelrealgoodnow,don’tyou,Bumblebee?I’mgonnacallthe
GuinnessBookofWorldRecordstomorrowandreportthebiggestdumpeveronrecord.”

EventhoughIknewshecouldn’treallyunderstandwhathewassaying,sherespondedtohimasifshe

could.Itdidn’tmatterwhathewassaying,shejustthoughthewasthemostamusingthingintheworld.

IendedupjustthrowingherclothinginthedownstairstrashwhileJustinstayedupstairsholdingher

outinthesameposition.

Wetookhertothebathroomandploppedherinthetub,usingtheremovableshowerheadtohoseher

downinanextrasudsybath.Shesmelledlikeheavenonceweweredone.Shewaswrappedinawarm
towelasJustincradledherwhileIdriedherfeet.

Helookedatme.“Howdidwegofromwhatwasgoingonintheotherroomtothis?”
Ikissedhertoes.“Sortofthestoryofmylife.”
“She’swideawakenow,youknow.”
“Well,thatjustfigures.IthinkIshouldgofeedher,”Isaid.
“Yeah.I’dbesurprisediftherewasanythingleftinherstomachafterthat.”

JustinfollowedmebacktomyroomandlayhisheadonmyshoulderwhileInursedBea.Itwasthe

first time I hadn’t bothered to cover myself in front of him. The three of us ended up falling asleep
togetherinmybed.

Eventhoughtherewasnosexthatevening,itwasstilloneofthemostmemorablenightsofmylife,

notjustbecauseofallthathappened,butbecausethenextday,everythingwouldchange.

CHAPTER17

JustinwasstillsleepingwhileImadecoffeeinthekitchen.ItwasatypicallazySundaymorninguntila
simpletextturnedmyentireworldupsidedown.IlookedoveratJustin’sphone,whichwaschargingon
thecounter.

Olivia:Ok.Callmewhenyoudecide.

Olivia?
ImmediatelyrememberingthatOliviawashisex-girlfriend,theonlylong-termrelationshiphe’dhad

besidesJade,myheartstartedtopalpitate.

Whatdidthatmean?They’dbeentalking?
Ihadn’teventhoughttwiceaboutwhethersnoopingwasrightorwrong;Ihadtoknow.Scrollingup,I

readthetwoothermessagesaboveit.

Olivia:Haveyougivenitanymorethought?

Justin:Yes.Ineedalittlemoretime.

A feeling of dread formed deep within my stomach. Last night had been a turning point in our

relationship—orsoIthought.JustinhadmademefeellikeIcouldtrusthimimplicitly.Knowingthathe’d
beencommunicatingwithhisex—thathe’dbeenkeepingsomethingfromme—feltlikesomeonehadjust
pouredabucketoficewaterovermyhead,wakingmeupfromadelusion.

Staringblanklyoutofthelargekitchenwindow,Inoticeditwasdrizzlingoutside.Itwasgoingtobea

cold,rawday.Ididn’teventurnwhenhecamedownstairs.Thesmackofhislipscouldbeheardashe
kissedBea,whowasplayingonthematnearby.

My body stiffened when he came up behind me, pressing his morning wood against my ass as he

kissedmyneckandsaid,“Goodmorning.”

WhenIturnedaround,hecouldimmediatelytellthatsomethingwaswrongfromthelookonmyface.
Hisexpressiondampened.“Amelia…talktome.”
Insteadofansweringhim,Iwalkedovertothecounterandhandedhimhisphone.“Whatdoyouneed

moretimefor?”

Justinstareddownatitandblinkedafewtimes.“Iwasgoingtotalktoyoutodayaboutsomething.I

didn’twanttotakeawayfromBea’sfirstHalloween.”

Itfeltlikethewallswereclosinginonme.“Ifeelsostupidfortrustinginallofthis.”
“Whoa.Hangon!”Hisfacestartedtoturnredinanger.“Exactlywhatconclusionareyoujumpingto

rightnow?”

“Itdoesn’ttakeascientist,Justin.You’vebeentextingbackandforthwithyourex-girlfriend.Trying

todecideonsomething.”

“That’sright.Somethingisgoingon,butithasnothingtodowithher.There’sareasonshe’sanex.

Youhavenothingtoworryabout.Didyounotseewhatyoufuckingdidtomelastnight?”

“Whyelseareyouindiscussionswithherthen?”
Herakedhisfingersthroughhishairandtookadeepbreathtocomposehimself.“Oliviaisthetour

managerforCalvinSprockett.”

“CalvinSprockett,thesinger?”
“Yes.”Helaughedslightlyatmyreaction.“ThelegendaryGrammywinningartist.Thatone.”
“Okay…sowhatisshediscussingwithyou?”
“He’s going on a North American and European tour for five months. The performer who was

supposed to be opening for him just unexpectedly went into rehab. Olivia’s tight with my agent, Steve
Rollins.Theymetwhenweweredating.Oliviawassortoflikeamanagertomebackthen,too.Anyway,
IguessStevegaveheroneofmyrecentdemosfromtheSeptemberrecordingsession,andsheplayedit
forCalvin.HeaskedherifIwasinterestedinbeingthereplacementopeningactonthetour.”

“Areyoukiddingme?OhmyGod.Justin…that’sadream!”
Itwasstrangetofeelhappinessforhimandalsolikemyworldwascrumblingallatthesametime.

TheonethingIknewforsurewasthatIwasnotgoingtoletmyfearstandinthewayofsupportingthis
onceinalifetimeopportunity.

“I’m sorry I haven’t mentioned it yet. I really just wanted yesterday to be perfect. I swear to God I

wasgoingtotellyoubeforetheweekendwasover.”

Iwrackedmybraintothinkofsomethingtosaythatwouldn’tshowmyapprehension.“Doesheknow

you’venevertouredbefore?”

Justinnodded.“Atfirst,Ithoughtitwasstrangethathewouldtakeachanceonsomeonelikeme,but

apparentlyI’vesincelearnedthatCalisknownforintroducingbrandnewtalentonhistours.Thatwas
howDaveAaronsgothisstart.”

“Really.Wow…andhechoseyou.”
Hesmiledhesitantly.“Yeah.”
“Yourstyletotallyjiveswithhis,too.”
“Iknow.It’sagoodfit.”
Panic aside, my heart also filled with pride. I reached up to hug him. “Holy crap. I’m so proud of

you,”Isaid,despitethefactthatitfeltlikemyworldwasfallingapart.

“Ihaven’tacceptedityet,Amelia.”
Ipulledbacksuddenlytolookhimintheeyes.“You’regoingto,right?”
Hefrowned.“Idon’tknow.”
“Youcan’tturnitdown.”
“Iwantedtodiscussitwithyoufirst.”
“Whatistheretodiscuss?”
“I’dbeleavingyouandBeaforfivefuckingmonths.”
“Youneverexactlysaidyourstayherewaspermanentinthefirstplace.Technically,you’vebeenon

borrowedtime.Yourealizethat,don’tyou?”

Hedidn’taddressmyquestionwhenhesaid,“ThiswouldbedifferentthanmysimplybeinginNew

York.Iwouldn’tbeabletojustcometotheislandwheneverIwantorwhenyouneedsomething.Thetour
iscontinuous.Theysticktoatightschedule.Helikestodotwoorthreeshowsineachcity.”

“Youdon’thavetoworryaboutme.”AsmuchasIdidn’twanthimtoleave,therewasnowayIwas

goingtolethimgiveupanopportunitylikethisoutofguilt.HewouldcometoresentBeaandme.That
wasthelastthingIwanted.

“Idon’thavetoworryaboutyou?DoyourememberthestateIfoundyouin?”
“Alothaschangedsincethen.Beahasgrownalot.She’slessdependentonmeandsleepingbetter.

Don’tusemeasanexcusenottotakethisopportunity.Fivemonthswillflyby.”

In truth, it seemed like an eternity. So much could happen in five months. In fact, so much had

happenedbetweenusinthatsameamountoftime.We’dgrownintoourownuniqueversionofafamilyin
thatequivalentduration.

“Yousayitwillflybynow,butwhenyouhavenoonearoundtorelieveyouwhenyouwanttoleave

thehouseorgogroceryshopping,you’llfeelit.Whenyougetlonelyatnight,you’llfeelit…unlessyou
calltheasshatnextdoor.I’msureRogerwilltakefulladvantageofmybeinggone.”

Itseemedlikehewastryingtomakeupanyexcuseintheworldastowhygoingwasabadidea.
“Idon’twantyoutoleave,Justin.Itscaresthehelloutofme,butIjustknowyou’llregretitforthe

restofyourlifeifyoudon’t.Thereisn’tevenadecisiontomakewithanofferlikethis.”

Helookeddownathisshoesandstaredatthefloorforthelongesttimebeforeheconceded,“You’re

right. I’ll always wonder what could have been if I don’t do it. And I don’t think I’ll get another
opportunitylikeitinmylifetime.”

MythroatfeltlikesandpaperwhenIswallowed.“Well,thenyouhaveyouranswer.”
Justin stared into space and said, “Shit. This is really happening.” He then turned to me with a

nervousexpressionasifhewantedmetomakeonelastattempttotalkhimoutofit.

“BeaandIwillstillbehere.”
“I’d be coming back about a month after her first birthday.” He looked over at where Bea was

playing.“I’llmissit.”

Tryingtoremaincalm,Iasked,“WhendoyouneedtoletOliviaknowby?”
“Nolaterthanthenextcoupleofdays.”
Ihesitatedbeforeasking,“AreyousureJadewasn’trightabouther?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“That’sshe’stryingtogetbacktogetherwithyou?Itseemslikeaverybiggestureonherpart,towork

togetyouonthistour.”

“She’salwaysbeenabigsupporterofmymusic.There’snothingelsegoingonthere,Amelia.”
“Issheactuallygoingtobeonthetourthewholetime?”
“Yes.Shemanagesit.”
“Isshestilldatingsomeone?”
Heansweredreluctantly,“Idon’tthinkso.”
Adrenalinepumpedthroughmeasjealousytookhold.Mycheeksfelthot.“Isee.”
“I told you the story about my breakup with Olivia. She wasn’t the one for me. It’s over. It doesn’t

matterthatshe’sonthetour.Pleasedon’tfocusonthat.It’sawasteofenergy.”

“Okay.I’lltry,butjustimaginehowyouwouldfeelifIweregoingonabustourwithanexforfive

months.Youcan’tevendealwithRogernextdoor.Youlivedwithherfortwoyears.Youcansurelysee
whyitmakesmeuncomfortable.”

“Ofcourse,Igetit,butIcan’tstressenoughthatOliviaandIareover.Yes,shehappenstobegoing

onthistour,butpleasedon’tworryaboutthat.”

“Alright.I’lltry.”
My heart felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I couldn’t let him see that I was devastated by his

impendingdeparture.Isuddenlysaid,“Hey,isitokayifItakeaquickjogonthebeach?Willyoukeepan
eyeonBea?”

“Sincewhendoyourun?”
“I’dliketostart.”
Hestaredatmesuspiciously.“Yeah.OfcourseI’llwatchher.”

Withoutdelay,IranupstairsandchangedintomyexerciseclothesasfastasIcould.
Onceoutside,mylegsweretakingofffasterthanmyheartcouldsustain.Icouldn’tkeepupwithmy

ownwilltorunawayfromtheheartbreakofknowinghewasreallygoingaway.Itwasn’thisleavingthat
wasdevastatingbutratherthefearthathewouldn’twanttocomebacktothismundanelifeontheisland.
Hewouldbeexperiencingsomethingcompletelynew.Amusictourwouldbechockfullofexcitement—
temptation.Nolimitations.

I couldn’t let him see how terrified I was; the only thing worse than his leaving would be if he

decided not to go because of my insecurities. While I couldn’t stop him from leaving, the one thing I
coulddowasattempttoprotectmyselfintheonlywayIknewhow.Fortheremainderofhistimeonthe
island,Icouldn’tallowmyselftogetanyclosertohimphysicallyoremotionally.Ifwecouldsurvivehis
goingaway,thenIwouldknowthathewasseriousaboutus.Untilthen,itwasnecessarytolivemylife
undertheassumptionthathemaynotbecomingback.Thistourwouldbetheultimatetest.

ThebeachairfilledmythroatasIran.Itwassowindythatsandwasflyingintomyeyesandmouthas

Idodgedseagulls.

Finallyarrivingbackatthehouse,Istoppedjustinsidethedoorbeforeentering.Justinhadtheradio

onandwasdancingaroundthekitchenwithBea.Shewouldlaugheverytimehespunheraroundrealfast.
Themusicfadedintothebackground,takingabackseattotheloudnoiseoftheanxiousthoughtspassing
throughmymind.IthitmethatIwasn’tgoingtobetheonlyonedevastatedbyhisleaving.Beahadno
cluehewouldbegoneinamatterofdays.Shewouldn’tevenbeabletounderstandwhyheleft.Myheart
hurtforher,andhewasn’tevengoneyet.

***

It’salwayswhenyouwanttimetostandstillthatitfliesthefastest.

AfterJustinacceptedthetourgig,hefoundoutheonlyhadaweekandahalfbeforehehadtoreport

to Minneapolis. He was going to drive the Range Rover back to New York then catch a flight to meet
CalvinandtherestofthecrewinMinnesotawheretheywouldkickoffthetour.

Becausetheothermusicianhaddroppedoutsosuddenly,therewasn’talotoftimetoprepare.Justin

gotluckybecausewhenheexplainedthesituationtothemanagersathisdayjob,theyagreedtogranthim
an unpaid leave of absence. The president of the software company that Justin worked for was a huge
CalvinSprockettfan,sothathelped.

While on the outside everything was falling into place, in my mind, everything was falling apart. I

wantedsobadlytojustbethrilledforhim—apartofmewas.Ijustcouldn’tseparatethatpartfrommy
ownsadnessandfear.

Whileweusedthosefinaldayswisely,spendingtimetogetherwithBea,thingswereextremelytense

betweenus.Rightafterhe’dmadethedecisiontogoonthetour,IexplainedtoJustinduringcoffeeone
morningthatIdidn’tthinkitwasagoodideaforustotakethingsanyfurtherphysicallybeforeheleft.I
toldhimitwouldonlymakehisleavingmoredifficultforme.Iusedthatasabigexcuse.Eventhoughhe
claimedtounderstand,Iknewdeepdownhesawitforwhatitwas:alackoffaithinhisloyaltytome.I
retreatedtomyownroomeverynight,andhedidn’ttrytostopme.

Twodaysbeforehisscheduleddeparture,IhadtogotoProvidencetograbmystuffoutofstorage.I

couldnolongeraffordtokeepitthere,sinceIwasn’tworking.IplannedtodonateasmuchofitasIcould
andhaveayardsaleinNewportforsomeofthesmalleritems.MostofitwasstuffInolongerneeded
anyway. My friend Tracy’s husband met me with his truck and helped me load most of the belongings
beforehetransportedthemajoritytoaSalvationArmystore.

JustinhadstayedbehindinNewportwithBeawhileImadethetrektoProvidence.
Theentireridebackhometotheisland,IwasfilledwithemotionoverJustin’simpendingdeparture.I

couldalmostheartheclocktickinginmybrain.Thepastseveralmonthsplayedinmyheadlikeamovie
that was nearing its end. There was no doubt in my mind that this exposure would give Justin
unprecedentedfame.Hewasabouttobeswallowedupwhole,andIreallydidn’tthinkheknewwhatwas
coming.Havingwitnesseditfirsthandonasmallerscale,Iknewhowwomenreactedtohim.Thatwas
abouttobemultipliedbyathousand.Hislifewouldneverbethesameagain.Neitherwouldmine.

WhenIreturnedtothebeachhouse,thingswereunusuallyquiet.Somethingthatsmelledliketomato

saucewasbakingintheoven.Withaclickofthestovelight,Icouldseeitwaslasagna.

“Hello?”Iyelled.
“We’reupstairs!”IheardJustincallout.
It sounded like it was raining inside of Justin’s room. The sound was mixed with tranquil music.

WhenIopenedthedoor,myheartnearlystopped.

Justin’s bed was gone. In its place was Bea’s white crib. A fluffy butter-yellow area rug had been

placedonthefloor.Illuminatedstarswereprojectedontotheceilingastheyslowlymoved.Thesoundsof
naturewerecomingfromamachineonthebureau.AframedAnneGeddespicturewasmountedontothe
wall.Itdepictedasleepingbabydressedasabumblebee.

Icoveredmymouth.“How…when…didyou…”
HewasholdingBea.“Sheneededherownroom.Bumblebee’sgettingbig,can’tsleepintherewith

youforever.It’stime.YourbeinginProvidencetodaywastheperfectopportunitytosurpriseyoubeforeI
left.”

Bea’s eyes were transfixed upon the floating stars on the ceiling as she moved her little head,

stretchinghernecktofollowtheirpath.

Ismiled.“Shereallylovesthose,huh?”
“Iknewshewould.Sometimeswhenshe’supatnightwithme,Itakeheruponthedeck.Welookup

atthestarstogether.Maybeshe’lllookattheseandthinkofmewhileI’maway.”Hiswordssqueezedat
myheart.

“Ineverknewyoudidthatwithher.”Iwalkedaroundtheroom,admiringthetransformation.“Where

isallyourstuff?”

“Ibrokedownmybed,threwitinthecornerofmyofficefornow.”
Something about his vacating the bedroom and turning it over to Bea suddenly seemed so final and

didn’tsitrightwithme.Istartedtoreadintothemeaningandoverreacted.

Myheartstartedtopoundinpanic.“You’renotcomingback.”Ihadn’tmeanttosayitoutloud.
“What?”
“Yougaveupyourroombecauseyouknowyou’renotcomingbackhere.You’llgoaway,becomea

bigstar.You’llvisit,butdeepdown,youknowyouwon’tbelivinghereanymore.”

Itwaslikeallofmyinsecuritiessuddenlyhadavoice.Ireallyhadn’tmeanttolayeverythingouton

thelinelikethat.Italljustcameoutafteralong,stressfulday.

Justin was speechless at first. When he finally spoke, his tone bordered on angry. “That’s what you

think?”

“Idon’tknow.IguessI’mjustthinkingoutloud.”
“I made this nursery because she shouldn’t be sleeping in your fucking room. She deserves a nice

spaceofherown.IwasplanningthislongbeforeIeverknewaboutthetour.Igraduallycollectedthis
stuffoverthepastmonth,hideverythinginmycloset.”Hereachedintothebureaudrawerforapileof
receipts,tookthemoutandroughlythrewthemupintheair.Thewhiteslipsraineddownontothefloor.

“Lookatthedatesonthese.They’refromweeksago.”

I felt really stupid. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been stressed over your leaving. I was trying not to let it

show,andIguessitfinallycaughtupwithme.”

“You think I’m trying to separate myself from you? You’re the one who put up a gigantic wall the

secondItoldyouaboutthetour.IfIhadmyway,Iwouldwantnothingmorethantosleepinyourfucking
bed tonight—inside of you—because I’m leaving in less than two days. Two days, Amelia! Instead of
enjoying each other, you’ve been shutting me out. I’m respecting your wishes and not pushing anything
becauseIknowmyleavingishardenoughforyou,butfuck!”

Feeling ashamed, I said, “I’m sorry for overreacting. I made this about more than the nursery. The

roomisbeautiful.Really.”

“I’mgonnagocheckonthefood.”JustinplacedBeainhercribandabruptlylefttheroom,slamming

thedoorbehindhim.Ilookedupatthestarsontheceiling,deeplyregrettingmylossofcomposure.The
sound machine had switched to a medley of thunder and lightning. It was a fitting representation of the
mood.

Dinnerwasaquietonethatnight.
Withnopermanentbedroomanymore,Justinsleptonthecouch.
Ididn’tsleepatall.

***

Justinwouldbegonetomorrow.

Ineededtofixthingsbeforeheleft,orIwouldregretit.Beawasquietlynappinginhernewnursery,

soIfiguredIwouldtaketheopportunitytotalktohim.

Justin’s mountain of black luggage was piled together in the corner of his office. The sight of that

alonegavemeanxiety.

AsImademywaydownthehall,thesoundofhimbeatingthepunchingbagcouldbeheardcoming

fromtheexerciseroom.

Standinginthedoorway,IwatchedashehitthebagwithmoreforcethanI’deverseenhimexhibit

before.Justinwascompletelyinazoneandeitherhadn’tnoticedmeorpretendednotto.

“Justin.”
Hedidn’tstop.Itwasunclearwhetherhecouldhearme,sincehewaswearingearbuds.Icouldhear

themusicblastingthroughthem.

“Justin,”Irepeatedlouder.
Hecontinuedtoignoremeashehitthebagevenharder.
“Justin!”Iscreamed.
This time he looked over at me briefly, but he didn’t stop punching. That confirmed that he was

definitelyignoringme.

Determined not to run away from this situation no matter how painful, I stayed in the doorway

watchinghimforseveralminutesuntilhefinallystopped.Leaningagainstthepunchingbagandgripping
it,helookeddownatthefloorwhilegaspingforairbutsaidnothing.Afteralongmomentofsilence,he
finallyspoke.

“I’mlosingyou,andIhaven’tevenleftyet.”Heturnedtome.“Thistourisnotworththat.”
“Youhavetogo.You’renotlosingme.Ijustdon’tknowhowtohandleit.”
Astreamofsweattrickleddownthelengthofhisglisteningchestashewalkedtowardmebutstopped

shortoftouchingme.ThesmellofhisskinmixedwithcologneservedasareminderastojusthowmuchI

waskiddingmyselfwhenitcametomyabilitytosteerawayfromhimsexually.

“It’sunderstandable.Completelyunderstandable,”hesaid.
“Whatis?”
“All of your worries…I would feel the same if you were the one going on a tour. That scene is no

joke.Igetwhyyou’rescared.”

Itdidn’texactlycomfortmetoknowthathefeltmyworrywasfounded.
He continued, “It’s not that you don’t trust me now, but you think that environment will somehow

changeme,makemewantdifferentthingsthanIwantnow.”

“Yes.That’sexactlyright.Ifyouunderstandmyfear,thenwhyareyousoangryatmeforit?”
“It’s more like…frustrated. Everything is happening so fast, and I’m running out of time to fix this

beforeIleave.Wehavetotrustthatwhatwe’vebeenworkingtowardisworthmorethanallofthecrazy
shitthatlifemightthrowatusinthenextfivemonths.I’malsoscared,becauseIdon’teverwanttolet
youorBeadown.”Thelookoffearinhiseyeswasunprecedented,andtheuncertaintyinthemmademe
uneasy.

“Letmedown?”
“Yes.Beaisgettingattachedtome.Whileshewon’trememberthesepastseveralmonths,she’sonly

getting older and will start to understand more as time passes. This isn’t a game. I know that. I would
ratherdiethanhurther.”

Even though he wasn’t saying it in so many words, I took his statement to mean that he still wasn’t

sureifhewantedachild,whichinturnmeanthemighthavebeenunsureaboutus.Itpainedmetoknow
thathestillhelddoubts,givenhowphenomenalhewaswithBea.

Andwithme.
ThistourwasforcingJustintodosomethingheneverwouldhavedoneotherwise;itwasforcinghim

toleaveus,tostepbackandreflectontheresponsibilityheunknowinglywalkedintothedayhedecided
tocometoNewportonemonthearlylastsummer,expectinganemptyhouse.Hecertainlygotwaymore
thanheeverbargainedforthatday.He’dbeenourrockeversince.EventhoughIdidn’twanttolosehim,
heneededthisseparationtofigureoutwhathetrulywanted.

IknewthatItrulywantedhim.IalsoknewthatIlovedhimenoughtolethimgo.Ivowednottopush

guiltanylonger.

This tour was a blessing in disguise, because it would give him the space to determine what was

reallymeanttobe.Icertainlydidn’twantBeatogetanymoreattachedtohimifweweren’tstrongenough
tosurvivethis.Itwasmoreimportantnowtoprotectherheartthanmyown.

I reluctantly admitted my realization to him. “Maybe this time away is necessary. It will help you

realizewhatyoureallywantoutoflife.”

Hesurprisedmewhenheadmitted,“Ithinkyou’reright.”
Hisagreeingwithmecausedmystomachtodropabit.Atthesametime,Ivowedtobestrong,tolet

fatetakeitscourse.Iwouldn’tactstupidlyandsabotageanythingonewayortheother,becauseIloved
him.Somuch.Iwantedthebestforhim,wantedhimtobehappyevenifthatdidn’tinvolveBeaandme.

Theuniversehadalreadyshownthatithadplansforme,onesthatwerebeyondmycontrol.Beawas

proofofthat.Ihadtotrustthatsomethingbiggerthanuswasatthehelmandthatthislatestchallengehada
purpose.TheonlythingIwassureofwasthatitwouldeithertearusapartormakeusstrongerthanever.

Attheendoffivemonths,I’dhavemyanswer.

***

Itrainedthatentireday.

AsifBeacouldsensethatsomethingwasoff,sherefusedtosleepinhernewcribthatnight.Itmade

methinkthatitwasquitepossiblethatbabieshadasixthsense.EversinceJustinhadredonethenursery,
shelovedsleepinginthereandwatchingthestars.Buttonight—Justin’slastnight—Beaonlyquietedin
thesafetyofmyarms.Intuition,maybe.So,Iletherlienexttomeinmybed,eventhough,likeme,she
couldn’tfallasleep.

Thecloseritgottomidnight,themoremelancholyIbecameasinsomniacontinuedtowinout.
Justin’sknockwaslight.“Amelia,areyouawake?”
“Yeah.Comein.”
Heenteredandlaydownonmybednexttous,repositioningthecovers.“Ican’tsleep.”
“Areyounervous?”Iasked.
“Scaredashellismorelikeit.”
“Aboutwhatinparticular?”
He let out a single sarcastic laugh. “Everything. I’m scared to leave you alone, scared she won’t

remember me…scared she will remember me—remember that I left. I’m scared to perform in front of
thousandsofpeople,scaredtofuckup.Younameit.I’mworriedaboutit.”

“Youshouldn’tbeworriedaboutperforming.You’regonnaknock‘emdead.”
Ignoringmyassurance,hetookBeafromnexttomeandplacedheronhischest.Herbreathingstarted

toevenout.

Itbrokemyheartwhenhesoftlykissedherheadandwhisperedinherear,“I’msorry,Bumblebee.”
Mymoodhadbeenallovertheplacethroughouttheday,alternatingbetweenfeelingsorryformyself

andBea,tofeelingproudandexcitedforhim.Inthisparticularintimatemoment,Ifeltcompellednotas
hislover—butashisfriend—tohelphimunderstandthathedeservedthisopportunitythathe’dworked
hisentirelifefor.Hehadnothingtobesorryfor.ThatwashowIknewItrulylovedhim,becauseinthe
eleventhhour,allIwantedwastotakeawayhisguiltandmakehimfeelgood,regardlessofhowmuchhis
leavinghurt.

“Nana would be so proud of you, Justin. She always used to tell me that she believed you were

destinedforgreatness.Whenyougooutthere,don’teventhinkabouthowmanypeoplearewatching,just
singforher,singtoNana…dothisforher.”

“She’d be pleased with how you turned out, too, Patch…all you’ve undertaken. The mother you’ve

becomedespitehowshittyyourownmotherwas.Nanawouldbesodamnproud.I’msodamnproud.”

WithBeanowfastasleeponhischest,Justinleanedintokissme.Hebegantodevourmymouth,firm

buttenderly.Wekissedforseveralminutes,carefulnottowakeBea.

Hespokeintomymouth,“Iwanttomakelovetoyousobadlyrightnow.Butatthesametime,Iget

whyyouthinkthatwouldmaketomorrowevenharder.Idon’tknowifIcouldeverwalkoutofhereafter
that.”

“Idon’tthinkBeawouldallowitrightnowanyway.Shelookstoocomfortable.”
He looked down at her and smiled. “You’re probably right.” He turned to me, his blue eyes

luminescentinthedarkness.“Promisemeafewthings.”

“Okay.”
“Promisemethatwe’llvideochatatleasteveryotherday.”
“Sure.That’llbeeasy.”
“Promisemethatifyougetlonely,you’llcallmeanytime—dayornight.”
“Iwill.Whatelse?”
“Promisemethatwewon’tkeepanythingimportantfromeachotherandthatwe’llalwaysbehonest

witheachother.”

ThatonemademefeelalittlequeasyasIstartedponderingwhatthingsheanticipatedhavingtobe

honestwithmeabout.

“Okay.Ipromise.”Iswallowed.“Anythingelse?”
“No.IjustwanttosleepnexttoyouandBeatonight.Isthatokay?”
“Ofcourse.”Itookhishand.“It’sgoingtobeokay,Justin.We’llbeokay.”
Hesmiledandwhispered,“Yeah.”
Justin placed Bea between the two of us. As she lay in the middle, Justin and I looked into each

other’seyesuntilsleepfinallyclaimedus.

***

WhenIwokeupthenextmorning,panichitmeforabriefmomentbecauseJustinwasgonefromthebed.
Looking at the clock, I calmed down, realizing it was only 9AM. He wasn’t scheduled to leave until
aroundnoon.

Thesmellofhissignaturecoffeebrewingwaftedupthestairwellandimmediatelymademesad.It

wouldbethelasttimeIwouldsmellhiscoffeefusionforalongtime.

Feeling my eyes getting watery, I took my sweet time before going downstairs, hoping to regain my

composure before then. I did some mindless things: cleaned the bedroom, threw a load of laundry in,
anythingthantohavehimseemebreakdown.BeawaswatchingmefromherExersaucerasIranaround
myroomlikeamaniac.

JustinwalkedinasIwasvacuumingmyrug.Iwouldn’tlookupathimasImovedthevacuumback

andforth.

“Amelia.”
Ipusheditalongthecarpetfaster.
“Amelia!”heyelled.
I finally looked at him. He must have seen the sadness in my eyes because his expression slowly

darkened. I just stared at him as the vacuum continued to run, even though I’d stopped moving it. A
teardropfelldownmycheek,andIknewIhadofficiallylostmyabilitytohidemyfeelings.

Heslowlyapproachedandshutoffthevacuum,hishandlingeringoverminewhichwasstillgripping

thehandle.

“I’vebeenwaitingtohavecoffeewithyou,”hesaid.“IneedtohavebreakfastwithyouandBeaone

lasttimebeforeIleave.It’smyfavoritethingintheworld.”

Iwipedmyeyes.“Okay.”
“It’sfuckingokaytobesad.Stoptryingtohideitfromme.Iwon’thideit,either.”Hisvoicecracked

alittle.“I’msofuckingsadrightnow,Amelia.ThelastthingIwanttodorightnowisleaveyouguys.But
timeisrunningout.Don’twasteithidingfromme.”

Hewasright.
Sniffling,Inodded.“Let’sgohavecoffee.”
JustinliftedBeaintohisarmsasheclosedhiseyestightlyandbreathedinherscentasifhewantedto

burnitintomemory.Whenhepulledback,heliftedherupintotheairasshelookeddownathim.“Are
youmyBumblebee?”

Shesmiledathim,andifthatdidn’tfeellikeaknifetotheheart,Ididn’tknowwhatdid.Myemotions

wereallovertheplaceagain.Apartofmewasstillselfishlyangryathim.

Howcouldyouleaveus?

Whyhaven’tyoutoldmeyouloveme?
Whyhaven’tyoutoldBeayouloveher?
Youdon’tloveus.
A bigger part was angry at myself for even having those kinds of thoughts again. I was coming to

realizethatitwasn’tsomuchthefactthathewasleavingthatbotheredmeasitwasthefactthathewas
leavingmesounsureaboutwherethingsreallystoodwithus.

Hetreatedmeasifhelovedme,butevenwhenwewereactinglikeafamily,he’dneverdefinedour

relationship,neverevenlabeledmehisgirlfriend.

As Justin prepared the mugs of coffee like he always did, I followed every move he made and

couldn’thelpbutwonderwhatthenexttimeI’dwatchhimmakecoffeewouldbelike.

Whenhehandedmemycup,IputonthebestsmileIcould.Ididn’twanthimtoleavethinkingofmy

sadface.JustasIwastryinglikehelltoputonahappyfacade,hisownexpressionturnedsullen.

“Whatisit,Justin?”
“Ijustfeelhelpless.Ifyouneedanything,ItoldTomyoumightcallhimfromtimetotime.Ilefthis

numberonthefridge.Hesaidanytimedayornight,don’thesitate.Callhiminsteadofthattoolnextdoor,
please.Ialsoinstalledanewalarmsystem.”Hewavedahand,leadingmetothedoor.“Comeon,I’ll
showyouhowtouseit.”

Everything he was saying was muffled as my eyes followed his fingers, hands, and lips as he

explainedhowtomaneuverthealarmcontrolpad.Hisvoicewasfadingintothebackground,losingthe
battlewithmyaccumulatingpanic.

Justintooknoticeandstoppedtalking.“Youknowwhat?I’llemailyoutheinstructions.”Hestaredat

meforabitbeforepullingmeintoanembrace.Heheldmeforwhatseemedlikeseveralminutes,slowly
rubbingmyback.Therewasn’tanythingwecoulddotoslowdowntime.

IwatchedfromthewindowasJustinloadedhisluggageintothebackoftheRangeRover.
When he came back inside, we took a quick but quiet walk on the beach with Bea. At one point, I

stayedbehindasJustintookBeaclosertotheshore.Hewhisperedsomethinginherear.Thatmademe
curious,butIneveraskedhimwhathe’dsaidtoher.

Oncewereturnedtothehouse,itwastimeforJustintoleave.Themorninghadflownbywaytoofast;

italmostseemedunfair.

Tryingtosuppressmytears,Isaid,“Ican’tbelievethismomentisfinallyhere.”
Miraculously,Iwasabletokeepthecryingatbaybecause,mostly,Iwasinshock.ThebestthingI

coulddoforhimrightnowwastoreassurehimthatIwouldsupporthimwhileheexperiencedthisnew
chapter,lethimknowthatIwouldbethereforhimintheverywaywestarted—asafriend.

Ireturnedhisownsentimentsfromearlier.“Thesamegoesforyou,Justin.Ifyouneedme,oryouget

lonely,ormaybeyou’refeelingdoubtful,youcallmedayornight.I’llbehere.”

Justin was still holding Bea as he placed his forehead on mine and simply said, “Thank you.” We

stayedlikethatforawhilewithBeasandwichedinthemiddleofus.

Stillwantingtoavoidbreakingoutintears,Iforcedmyselfaway.“You’dbettergo.You’llmissyour

flight.”

HekissedBea’sheadgentlythensaid,“I’llcallyouwhenIlandinMinneapolis.”
Bea and I stood in the doorway, watching as he walked away. He got in the car and started it but

didn’t move. He looked over at us as we continued to wait. Bea was reaching out her hand to him and
babbling;sheobviouslyhadnocluewhatwasgoingon.

Whywasn’themoving?
Hesuddenlygotoutofthecar,slammingthedoor.Myheartbeatacceleratedwitheachstephetook

towardme.BeforeIcouldaskhimwhetherhe’dforgottensomething,hishandwrappedaroundtheback
of my head, pulling me into him. He opened his mouth wide over mine, plunging his tongue inside and
twirlingitaroundatanalmostdesperatepaceashegroanedintomymouth.Hetastedlikecoffeeanda
flavorallhisown.Thiswasnotthetimetobegettingaroused,butIcouldn’thelpmybody’sreaction.

Whenheforcedhimselfback,hiseyeswerehazy,filledwithjustasmuchconfusionaspassion.Ihad

toonceagainremindmyselfoftheoldadageofsettingsomeonefree,thatiftheycomebackthey’reyours;
iftheydon’t,theyneverwere.

Pleasecomebacktome.
Hesaidnothingelseashewalkedbacktothecar,starteditandthistime…droveoff.

CHAPTER18

Blindfaith.

ThatwastheonlythinghelpingmegetthroughthatfirstmonthwithJustinaway.Somehow,Ijusthad

to convince myself to trust his actions and judgement, even though I couldn’t be there to see what was
actuallyhappening.

He called us every night. Sometimes, it would be during what he referred to as his relaxation time

around 8PM, right before their 9PM performances. Other times, it would be during his lunch or dinner
break.Fromwhathe’dtoldme,hisdailyitinerarywasjam-packedwithsoundchecksandrehearsalsat
eachnewvenue.Theonlydowntimewasaftertheshow,andbythen,hewasropedintoafterpartiesor
justplainexhausted.Ifthebandstayedmorethanonenightinthesamecity,theywouldallcheckintoa
hotel.Iftheyhadtobeinanotherlocalethenextday,theywoulddrivethroughthenightandsleeponthe
bus.

Thereweretwobuses,oneforCalvinandthemainbandandoneforJustinandtherestofthecrew.

According to Justin, each bus slept about twelve people. I never asked him which bus Olivia slept in,
becauseIwasafraidoftheanswer.

Blindfaith.
Okay,welleventhoughIchosetohavefaithinhim,Istilldiscoveredalittlewindowintotheirworld

thatwouldsatisfymyepisodesofparanoia.ItcameintheformofOlivia’sInstagrampage.

BackwhenJadelivedatthebeachhouseandusedtocomplainaboutOlivia’scommentingonallof

Justin’sposts,IsearchedhispagetocheckoutOlivia’sprofile.I’dstalkedheronlineoccasionallyeven
beforeJustinleft.Now,eachday,shewouldpostpicturesfromthetour.Manywerejustscenicshots,like
thesunrisetakenfromthebusastheyenteredanewcityorwhateverthebandandcrewhappenedtobe
eating.OthershotswereofCalvinandhisbandbackstage.

OneparticularnightwhenBeawassleeping,IopenedupInstagram.OliviapostedapictureofJustin

performing.Itwasjustastandardshotofhimleaningintothemicrophonewiththespotlightshiningdown
ontohisbeautifulface,whichwasframedbythatfive-o’clockshadow.Itmademelongtobethere,tosee
himperformonthebigstage.WhenIlookedlower,Inoticedthehashtags.

#LadyKiller
#JustinBanks
#UsedToTapThat
#ExesOfInstagram
Despitethefactthatitbotheredme,Irefusedtobringituptohim,refusedtoplaytheroleofjealous

girlfriend,especiallywhenhehadn’tlabeledmehisgirlfriendatall.

Aknockatthedoorstartledme.Ishutmylaptop.
Whowouldbecomingbythislate?
Thankfully,inadditiontothealarmsystem,Justinhaddrilledapeepholeintomydoorbeforeheleft.
Awomanwithlongbrownhairlikeminewasstandingthereshivering.Shelookedinnocentenough,

soIopenedthedoor.

“CanIhelpyou?”
“Hi.”Shegrinned.“Amelia,right?”

“Yes.”
“Iwantedtointroducemyself.MynameisSusan.Iliveinthebluehousenextdoor.”
“Oh.DidRogermove?”
“No.I’mactuallyhiswife.”
Wife?
“Oh.Ithoughthewas—”
“Divorced?”Shesmiled.
“Yeah.”
“He is…technically. We reconciled when he came to Irvine to visit our daughter recently. It was

supposedtobeaoneweekvisit,butitturnedintothreeweeks.AlyssaandIendedupcomingbackhere
withhim.”

Reallysurprisedbythisnews,Isaid,“Wow.Ihadnoidea.Thatisfantastic.”Iwavedmyhand.“My

gosh,wherearemymanners?Comein.Comein.”

“Thankyou,”shesaid,wipingherfeetandenteringthehouse.“Ourdaughterissleepingnow,butI’d

loveforyoutomeetheraswell.Shejustturnedeight.”

“Mydaughter,Bea,isalsosleeping.She’salmostninemonths.”
“Rogermentionedyouhadababy.”
“I’veheardsomuchaboutAlyssaaswell.”
“Rogeralsomentionedthatyouandhewerefriendly.”
“We’rejustfriends,incaseyouwerewondering.”
Shehesitated.“It’sokayifitwasmorethanthat.Weweren’ttogetheratthetime.”
“No.Itwouldn’tbeokay.Atleastforme,itwouldn’t.Iwouldwanttoknow.Iunderstandwhatit’s

liketowonderaboutstufflikethatwhenyoucareaboutsomeone.”

A look of relief washed over her face. “Well, thank you for clarifying. I’d be lying if I said that I

hadn’twondered.”

“I’m sort of in love with my roommate, actually. He’s currently on tour. A musician. I totally

understandjealousy.”

Shepulledupachairandsatdown.“Ohman.Youwanttotalkaboutit?”
“Doyoudrinktea?”
“Ido.I’dlovesome.”
Susan and I became fast friends that night. I opened up to her about my history with Justin, and she

offered to help me out with Bea if I ever needed a babysitter. She said Alyssa would get a kick out of
watchingBeawithher.ItmademethankfulthatnothingeverdidhappenbetweenRogerandme,because
thatwouldhavemadethingsawkward.

Ihadtoadmit,whenshefirstshowed,findingoutthatRogerwasbackwithhiswifemademefeel

evenmorealone.Butthatselfishthoughtwasquicklyreplacedbythehappinessbroughtonbyanewfound
femalefriendship,somethingmylifehadbeenseriouslylacking.

***

Susan and I hung out regularly. She encouraged me to try new things and to get out more. I joined a
MommyandMeclasswithBeaandstartedutilizingthedaycareatthegymtobeabletoworkoutafew
timesaweek.IwasdoingthebestIcouldindevelopinganewroutinewithJustingone.

Thedaylighthourswerebecomingmorebearable;nighttimewasthetoughpart.WithBeaasleepand

Justinbusiestintheevenings,Ialwaysfeltthemostalonewhendarknessfell.

Lateonenight,aroundmidnight,atextcamein.

Justin:We’reinBoise.Oneofthecrewmembersisfromhereandbroughthisbabyintothebus

beforetheshowtonight.ItmadememissBeaevenmore.

Amelia:Wemissyoutoo.

Justin: The tour is stopping in Worcester Massachusetts in a couple of weeks. What are the

chancesyoucouldcomeseeme?

Thatwasonlyalittleoveranhourawayfromme.Itwouldbetheclosestandonlytourstopanywhere

nearNewportfortheremainderofhistimeaway.

Amelia:Idon’tthinkthenoiseandenvironmentwouldbegoodforBea.ButmaybeIcanfinda

sitter.

It was likely that Susan could watch Bea for me, but I specifically hadn’t told Justin about her for

selfishreasons.IquitelikedhisjealousytowardRoger.ItwastheonlyupperhandIhadatthemoment.
So,Idecidedtokeeptheinformationoftheirreconciliationtomyselfforawhile.

Justin:Iagree.Itwouldbetooloudandcrazyforher.

Amelia:I’llworkonit.

Justin:It’sonlyonenightunfortunately.ThebusleavesforPhillysometimeaftertheshow.

Amelia:FingerscrossedIcanmakeit.

Justin:It’snotjustBeaImiss.

Myheartfluttered.

Amelia:Imissyoutoo.

Justin:Sweetdreams.

Amelia:xo

***

Since it was unclear whether I would be able to secure a babysitter in order to see Justin in
Massachusetts, he’d sent me a laminated backstage pass that would allow me exclusive access in the
eventsomethingcamethroughatthelastminute.Hesaidhewasn’tsurehe’dbeavailabletogreetmeif
andwhenIarrived.Havingthecardwouldbeasaferbetincasehewasinthemiddleofasoundcheckor
eveninthemiddleofperformingdependingonhowlateIgotthere.

I wasn’t going to know until the last minute whether I would be able to make it, since my only

babysitteroptionwasSusan.ShehappenedtohaveanimportantappointmentinBostonthatdaythatshe
couldn’tcancel.Dependingontraffic,shewasn’tsureifshe’dmakeitbackintime.

Itwasthedayoftheconcert,andIwasgettingreallyantsy.I’dtoyedwiththeideaofdrivingupthere

withBeaduringtheday,butthatwasnolongeranoption,sinceshe’dcomedownwithacold.Takingher
out in the freezing weather and to a crowded venue like that was not a good idea; she could catch
pneumonia.

Bythetimeeveningrolledaround,Susancalledfromtheroadtosaythatshe’dgottenstuckintraffic

andhadn’tevenmadeitoutofBoston’sTedWilliamsTunnelyet.Atthatpoint,IknewIwouldmissthe
startoftheshowifIwereluckyenoughtomakeitatall.Iwashonestlyheartbroken.Thiswasmyone
chancetoseeJustinfortheentiretour.Itdidn’tseemfair.

Nevertheless,Ihadgottenmyselfdressedupanyway,continuingtoholdouthope.Donningashortand

tight satin blue dress with black lace accents, I looked more like a lingerie model than a stay-at-home
mom.IntheeventthatIgottoseehimtonight,Iwantedtoknockhissocksoff.Iwas,afterall,competing
withanentireworldofmodelsandgroupiesvyingforhisattention.Thatthoughtmademystomachturnas
Icurledmyhairintolong,loosetendrilsandputonmymatteplumlipstick.Somethingtoldmeallofthis
effortwasinvain,butIneededtobepreparedtoflyoutthedoorifSusanevermadeitbackhere.When
theclockstruckeight,itbecameclearIwasgoingtomisshisperformancenomatterwhathappened.

Ateight-forty-five,Justincalledrightbeforehehadtoreporttothestage.
“Noluck?”heasked.
“I’msosorry.Iwantedtomakeitworksobadly,butshe’snothereyet.There’snowayI’llgetthere

intimetonight.”Myvoicewasshaky,butIrefusedtocryorelsemymascarawouldhaverundownmy
face.

“Fuck, Amelia. I’m not gonna lie. This is a major disappointment. I was looking forward to seeing

you so much. It was what got me through this week. Of course, I understand though. Bea comes first.
Always.Kissherforme.Ihopeshefeelsbetter.”

We stayed on the line, the disappointment heard loud through our silence and the long sigh of

frustrationthatescapedhim.

Iheardaman’svoicebeforeJustinsaid,“Shit.They’recallingme.”
“Okay.Haveagoodshow.”
“I’llbethinkingofyouthewholetime.”
BeforeIcouldrespond,thelinewentdead.
Fifteenminuteslater,therewasafranticknockatthedoor.WhenIopenedit,Susanwaspanting.“Go.

Go,Amelia!”

“Itmightbetoolate.TheshowwillbeoverwhenIgetthere.”
“Yes.Butyou’llgettoseehimbeforetheytakeoff,right?”
“Ithinkso.I’mnotsureexactlywhenthebusleavesforthenextcity.”
“Don’twastetimetalkingtome.JusttellmewhereBeais.”
“She’ssleeping.Ileftalongnotewithinstructionsonthecounter.”
“I’vegotit.”Shewavedmeoff.“Gogetyourman,Amelia.”
Blowingherakiss,Isaid,“Ioweyoubigtime.Thankyouforthis.”
IthadbeenawhilesinceIlastdroveonthehighwayatnight.Thebeginningsofapanicattackstarted

tocreepinasIspedupI-95.TryingtofocusonseeingJustinandnotthecarswhizzingpastme,Iwas
abletokeepthepanicfromescalatingintoafull-blownattack.TheGPSservedasmyco-pilotbecauseI
hadnoideawhereIwasgoing.ThispartofMassachusettswascompletelyforeigntome.

SweatpermeatedmybodyasIgotcloser.Eventhoughitwascoldout,Iturnedontheairconditioner

forcirculationtocalmmyself.WhatwasIdoing?Theshowwasover.Ihadn’ttextedhim.Itoldmyselfit
was because I wanted to surprise him, but a part of me wanted to see what things were like when he
wasn’texpectingme.

Parkinginthelargelotoutsideofthevenue,Iwrappedmyarmsaroundmyself.I’drushedoutofthe

house so fast, I’d forgotten a coat. Running in my high-heeled boots—the same ones I’d worn with my
Catwoman costume—I made my way to a tall chain-link fence which separated the VIP area from the
parkinglot.

Twoblacktourbuseswithtintedwindowssatjustinsidethegate.Aguardwearingaheadsetstoodat

theentrance.Groupsofwomengatherednearby,probablyhopingforaglimpseoftheartists.

MybreathwasvisibleinthenightairasIflashedmyspecialbadgeandspoketotheguard.“Isthe

showover?”

“Almost.Calvinisinthemiddleofthelastset.”
“WherecanIfindJustinBanks?Hegavemethisaccesscard.”
“JustinisinBusTwo.That’stheoneontheright.”
MyheartwashammeringagainstmychestasImademywaythroughthegravellylottothebus.
Iopenedthedoor.Tomysurprise,nooneseemedtobeinside.ThatwaswhatIassumeduntilnoises

comingfromthebackbedroomprovedotherwise.Therewereseveralcoffin-likebedsonthesides,but
Justinhadmentionedthateachbushadonemastersuiteintheback.Thecrewandhealternatedwhogot
tosleepiniteachnight.

AlumpformedinmythroatasIapproachedtheclosedwoodendoor.Thesoundofawomanmoaning

couldbeheardfrombehindit.

TheguardhadsaidJustinwasinhere.
Ihadtoknow.
Ihadtoopenit.Ihadtoseeitwithmyowneyes.
Myfaithmighthavebeenblind,butitwasabouttogetaneyeful.
Slowlyturningtheknob,Iinchedthedooropenacrack.AllIsawwasamaneofdarkhair.Awoman

was riding him as he lay flat. It looked like Olivia, but I didn’t know for sure. It could have been any
woman. It didn’t matter who it was. They didn’t notice me. My stomach started to turn and bile was
rising.Icouldn’tlookanymore.Ijustcouldn’t.

Exitingthebus,mylegsfeltwobbly.Tooshockedtocry,Iwalkedinadazeasnumbnessconsumed

me.Myvisionwasblurry.Myheartfeltlikeitwascrackingslowlywitheachstepoutofthebus.WasI
anidiotforthinkinghewouldwait?Thathecouldwithstandtheenormoustemptationbeingthrowninhis
faceeveryday?Henevermadeanypromises,andthatwasforgoodreason.

You’reafool,Amelia.
Iwouldhaveexpectedtobecrying,butforsomereason,theshockseemedtofreezemytearducts.

Myeyesfeltraw,cold,devoidofanyabilitytoproducemoisture.

Myphonechimedfromanincomingtext.

Imissedyoutonightsofuckingmuch.

CHAPTER19

What?

Howcouldhebetextingmewhilehe’sfuckingsomeoneelse?
Adrenalinerushedthroughme,takingmynervesonarollercoasterrideofemotions.

Amelia:Areyouonthebus?

Justin: No. At Dave and Buster’s down the road from the venue getting a drink. How’s Bea

feeling?

Itwasn’thim.
Itwasn’thimfuckingthatgirlonthebus!
Clutching my chest, I let out the breath that seemed to have been trapped inside, suffocating me a

momentearlier.ItfeltlikeI’dbeenshotwithatranquilizergunfullofeuphoria.

Amelia:Stillhasacold.She’swithmyfriendSusanbecauseI’mhere.Rightoutsideyourbus.

Justin:Holyfuck!Don’tmove.I’mheadingback.

Rubbingmyhandsovermyarms,Istoodwaitinginthecoldforatleasttenminutes.Thetwopeople

who’dbeenscrewinginsideofthebussuddenlyexited.Themanwasgood-looking,buthewasnoJustin.
Ialsoconfirmedthatthefemaleparticipantdefinitelywasn’tOlivia.

Acrowdofwomensuddenlygatheredtowardtheentrance.Theguardcouldbeheardsaying,“Back.

Back!Lethimby!”

It was then that I saw Justin break through the swarm of people. He passed through the chain-link

fenceandwaslookingaroundfranticallybeforehisgazelockedinonme.

Thecommotionaroundusseemedtodissipateashewalkedtowardmeandenvelopedmeinhisarms.

Ipracticallymeltedintohim.Hesmelledlikeamixtureofcologne,smokeandbeer.Itwasintoxicating
andmademewanttobatheinit.Iwantedhimalloverme.

“You’recoldasice,”hewhisperedintomyear.
“Justholdme.Keepmewarm.”
“Ireallyneedtodomorethanholdyourightnow.”Hepulledbacktotakemein,givingmyoutfita

onceover.“Fuck,”hegrowled.“Don’ttakethisthewrongway,butwhydoyoulooklikeawhore?”

“Iwasdressingfortheoccasion.Toomuch?”
“Hell no. This is just what I needed. It just pisses me off that you were waiting around for me in

publicdressedlikethat.Thefuckingguysaroundhereareworsethanthegirls.Anyonemesswithyou?”

“No.”Lookingdownatmyself,Isaid,“I’msorryifit’stoomuch.IjustfiguredIhadtocompetewith

allthosegroupies.”

“Don’t apologize. But you don’t have to compete with anyone, Amelia. You never did.” He put his

foreheadonmine,andtimeseemedtostandstill.“WhenIwasperformingtonight,allIcouldthinkabout

washowbadlyIwishedyouwerehere.Iwasatthebardrowningmysorrowswhenyoutexted.Istill
can’t believe you made it.” He took in a deep breath of the skin on my neck. “I’m hard as a rock just
smelling you right now. We need to go somewhere to be alone. We don’t have a lot of time before the
busesleave.”

“Wherecanwego?”
Heplacedhishandsonmycheeks.“Fuck.Ijustwanttotakeyouwithmeonthebus,spendthenight

withyouuntilthesunrisesoverthenextcity.”

“Iwouldlovethatsomuch.I’msorryIcan’tbethekindofgirlthatcanjustgoontourwithyou.”
“You have bigger things to be taking care of. By the way, you sure this friend watching Bea is

someoneyoucantrust?”

“Yes.Iwouldn’tbehereotherwise.”
He rubbed my shoulders. “Stay right here. Let me just go check what time we’re leaving

Massachusetts.”

IwaitedasJustinrantotheothertourbus.Whenhereturned,helookedanxious.“Wehaveexactly

twohoursbeforethebusestakeoffforPhilly.Iwouldintroduceyoutotheband,butthey’lltalkyourear
off,andIreallydon’twanttowastethistime.”

“Whatarewegonnado?”
“Theyjusttoldmethere’sasmallhoteldowntheroad.Wecangotheretobealoneifyouwant.Ifyou

prefer,wecanstayhere,butthenwe’dhavetosocialize.”

“Beingalonesoundsgoodtome.”
Justinbrushedhisthumbalongmycheek.“Goodchoice.”
Hetookthekeysfrommeanddroveustothehotelinmycar.Duringtheride,heheldmyhandtightly

anddidn’tletgo.Atonepoint,heflashedmeasexysideglance.“God,youlookgood.”

Ijoked,“EventhoughIlooklikeacheapgroupie?”
“Especiallybecauseyoulooklikeacheapgroupie.”Hewinked.Hisgazereturnedtotheroadfora

bit before his voice lowered. “I wasn’t prepared for how lonely this tour was going to be. Seeing you
makesmerealizeitevenmore.”

Wepulledintothehotel,andJustincheckedusinandgotusakeycard.Wehadexactlyonehourand

forty-fiveminutesbeforehehadtoreportbacktothebus.

Theroomwasdark,butneitherofusturnedonthelight.Unsureofwhatwassupposedtobetaking

placehere,Iwaitedforhimtotaketheleadafterthedoorclickedshutbehindus.

He slowly prowled toward me then pressed his chest against mine. “Jesus. Your heart is pounding.

Areyounervoustobealonewithmeorsomething?”Nuzzlingmyneck,headded,“ThewayI’mfeeling
rightnow,maybeyoushouldbe.”

Scaredtoadmitwhatwasreallyeatingawayatmeandalsonotwantingtoruinthemood,Iremained

silent,juststaringathimbeforemygazedroppedtothefloor.

Hetookmychininhishand.“Lookatme.”Whenoureyesmet,hesaid,“Ihaven’tbeenwithanyone

else,Amelia…incasetherewasanyquestioninyourmind.Idon’twantanyoneelse.Ihopeyoudon’t,
either.”

“HowdidyouknowwhatI’dbeenthinkingjustnow?”
“IguessI’mjustintunetoyoulikethat.Ihadafeelingyouneededthatreassurance.Idon’twantyou

wonderinganymoreaboutthat.”Hekissedmeontheforehead.“Nowthatwegotthatoutoftheway,Ido
needtobehonestwithyouaboutsomething.”

Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.“Okay.”
“IsomehowthoughtIcouldhandlefivemonthswithnosex,buttherealityis…I’mfeelingmorelike

ananimalinheatthanacelibatemonk.”

Ilaughed.“Ohreally.”Mytoneturnedserious.“MaybeIcanhelp.Tellmewhatyouneed.”
“Confession,”hesaidovermylips.“Ididn’texactlytakeyouheresowecouldtalk.”
Ikissedhim.“Confession.Ididn’texactlydresslikeadirtygroupiesoyoucouldsingtome.”
His mouth was against mine as it curved into a wry smile. Within seconds, he took my face in his

handsbeforehislipsswallowedminewhole.Astifledmoanescapedfrommeintohisstarvingmouthas
ourtonguesmovedfranticallytotasteoneanother.Ilovedthecontrolledwayhealwaysgrabbedmyface
whenhekissedme.Thistimewasdifferentfromanyothermomentwe’dbeentogetherbecauseitlacked
anytraceofcautionorhesitation.Hewasunapologeticallytakingwhathewanted,andIwasfullyletting
him.Wewerebothontheexactsamepage,surrenderingtowhatourbodiesneeded,andnothingwasoff
limits.Ifitweren’tforthefactthathewasleavinginanhour,thiswouldhavebeenlikeadreamcome
true.Butwewereonborrowedtime,andwebothknewit.

His hands slid slowly down my back as he grabbed my ass, pushing me against his erection and

kissingmehard.Hesuckedmybottomlipbeforereleasingitslowly.“Lastchancetostopme.”

“Makeeverysecondcount,”Isaidinbetweenkisses.“Forthenexthour,mybodyisyours,Banks.”
“I’veonlywaitedadecadetohearyousaythat.”
Thatwaswheretheconversationended.Justinpressedhisrockhardchestintome,pushingmeinto

the window. My back was against the glass as he began to kiss me so hard that my lips hurt from the
suction.Myhandstookonamindoftheirown,eagertoexplorehim.Ithreadedmyfingersthroughhis
hair,rubbedmypalmsdownhischest,grippedhisass.Overwhelmed,IwishedIcouldtoucheverysingle
partofhimatonce.

“It’sgoingtobeawhilebeforewegettodothisagain.Weneedtomakeitlast,”hesaidashefisted

myhairandbentmyheadback.Hekisseddownmyneckslowly.“Don’teverforgetthatIrespectthehell
outofyou,”hesaidashestuckhishandupmydressandgrabbedontomypanties.

“Whydoyousaythat?”
“BecauseI’mabouttofuckyoufullofdisrespect.”Herippedmyunderwearoff,theelasticburning

mythighsfromthefriction.

My pussy was already wet and ready for whatever he had in mind. Whereas before he had gently

kissed down my throat, now he was sucking hard on the skin at the base of my neck. I felt two of his
fingers slip inside of my opening. His mouth stilled on my neck the moment that they were fully deep
inside me. He said something unintelligible as he shook his head slowly in ecstasy before suddenly
flippingmearoundsothatIwasfacingtheglass.

HepulledhisfingersoutandalmostimmediatelyIfelttheburnofhiscockreplacingthemashesunk

intome.“Fuck,”hemuttered.

Ihadn’texpectedhimtotakemesosoon.Fromthesoundheletoutwhenhewasallthewayinsideof

me,Idon’tthinkevenheexpectedtolosecontrolsofast.

Itfeltpainfullypleasurableasmyskinstretchedtoopenforhim.Justin’scockwasthick.I’dalways

admireditsgirth,butitwasanotherexperiencealtogethertoactuallyfeelhowcompletelyhefilledme—
skintoskin.Hehadn’tputacondomon,whichsurprisedme.Iwastooweaktoquestionit,enjoyingthe
rawsensationtoomuchtothinkaboutanythingelse.ButI’dcomeprepared.

“Pleasetellmeyou’reonthepill.I’veneverdoneitlikethisbefore,butIdon’tthinkIcanstopeither

way.Itfeelstoodamngood.”

I’dneverseemhimlosecontrollikethis.
“Iam.Ijuststartedtakingit.Don’tworry.”
“Thankfuck.”Hismusclesseemedtorelax.

Ashemovedinandoutofme,heliftedmydressovermyheadbeforethrowingthefrockaside.There

was something so sexy about being completely naked while he was still fully clothed. His pants were
hanginghalfwaydownhislegs,andhisbeltbuckleclankedashepoundedintome.

Icouldseeourreflectioninthewindow.Hewaslookingdownatmyasstheentiretime,mesmerized

ashewatchedourbodiesjoinedtogether.Hewouldn’ttakehiseyesoffofit.Hispalmwasfirmlyplanted
onmyasscheektoguidethemovementsofhisthrusts,hisnailsinadvertentlydiggingintomyskin.

Hebegantosuckonhisfinger,andbeforeIcouldwonderwhathewasdoing,Ifeltitinsideofmyass

ashecontinuedtopenetratemewithhiscockatthesametime.Noonehadeverdonethattomebefore,
andwhilehisfingertherefeltforeign,thepleasurederivedfromthedoublepenetrationwasincredible.

Hepusheditinsideslowlyuntilitwasallthewayin.Iletoutalongbreath.
“Youlikethat,huh?Whenwehavemoretime,we’lltryittheotherwayaround.Iwanttofuckthatass

sobadly.Butweneedtimeforthat.”

Isimplymoanedinagreement,tooturnedonbywhathewasdoingtoformwords.
Hepulledhisfingerout.Hewasnowholdingontomyasswithbothhands,spreadingitapartwithhis

thumbsashefuckedmeharderandfaster.

“IlovethewayyourassjiggleswhenI’mpoundingintoit.”Heslappedme.“Fuckingbeautiful.”
Mymusclestightenedeverytimehe’dopenhismouth.I’dalwayslovedtobetalkedtoduringsex,but

hisdirty,gravellyvoicewasthesexiestI’deverheard.Everysingletimehe’dspeak,mymuscleswould
spasm.

“Tightenagainstmycocklikethatagain.”
Iclenchedaroundhim.
“Fuck.Thatfeelsgood,”hegrowled.“IwantyoutodothatwhenI’mcominginsideyou.”
Iwantedhimtospankmeagain.Ineverimaginedthepressureofhishandwouldfeelsogood;butit

did.

Whatwashappeningtome?
MyvoicewasthroatywhenIsaid,“Slapmyassagain.”
Heobliged,andwhenhestruckmethistime,thestingofhishandwasperfect.
EverythingaboutthisexperiencewasunlikeanythingI’deverfeltbeforefromtheskintoskincontact,

to the forceful way he fucked me. He’d broken through a barrier of pleasure that I didn’t know I was
capableoffeeling.Ididn’tknowhowIwasgoingtolivewithoutthisnowthatIknewwhatitwaslike.

Icouldfeelhisbodytremblingatmyback.“Ineedtocome.Tellmewhenyou’reclose,”hesaidinto

myear.

Iwatchedhisfaceinthereflectionandnow,insteadoflookingdown,hewaslookingstraightatmy

face.

“I’mcoming,”IsaidasItightenedmymuscleslikehe’dwanted.
“Fuck.OhGod,Amelia.Thatfeels…ohshit…I’mcoming,”hegroanedoutthenmutteredlow,”Yeah,

baby.I’mcoming.Sogood.Sofuckinggood.”

WarmcumfilledmeasIcontinuedtosqueezearoundhiscock.Justinstayedinsideofme,fuckingme

slowlylongafterhecame,kissingmybacksoftly.

“Shit.Idon’tknowwhatthatisthatyoudowhenyoutenseyourpussyaroundme,butI’mgoingtobe

jerkingofftoitforthenextfourmonths.”

“What was that we just did?” I asked facetiously. “That didn’t feel like just sex. That was far too

incredible.”

“Thatwasadecade’sworthoffrustrationbarrelingoutofme,baby.”
“You’resogood,Justin.Itwasworththewait.”

He slowly pulled out of me and turned me around, planting a firm kiss on my lips. “We have forty

minutes.”

“Whatarewegonnado?”
“Ineedyouagain.”
Myeyeswidened.“Canyougoagainsosoon?”
“Withyou?Icouldgoallnight.Noone’severmademelosecontrollikethat.That’showitshould

feeleverysingledamntime,likeit’sallthatmattersintheworld.Icouldn’tgiveashitiftheworldis
crumblingaroundmewhenI’minsideofyou.”

We smiled at each other, and the streetlights from outside shined into his beautiful blue eyes. Forty

minuteswasn’tlongenough.Tosquelchthedreadcreepingin,Itookoffhisshirtandbegantokisshis
chestsoftly.

“Thistimeisgonnabedifferent,okay?”hesaid.
Isimplynodded,anxiouslyawaitinghisdirection.Hestrippedoutofhisunderwear,andIcouldsee

hisdickwasstillgloriouslyhard,glisteningwitharousal.

“Liedown,Amelia.”
Admiringhischiseledbody,Ilayonthebedandbackedupagainsttheheadboard.
Whenheturnedonthesmalldesklamp,Iasked,“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Iwanttolookatyouforawhile.Isthatokay?”
Inodded.“Yes.”
“Spreadyourlegsapart,”hedemanded.
Justinkneeledatthefootofthebedashetookinthesightofme.
“So sexy…seeing you wide open like that with my cum dripping out of you. Fuck, Amelia,” he

breathed out as he started to jerk himself off. He looked down at his engorged shaft. “I’m ready to go
again.Thisisfuckingcrazy.”

“Wedon’thavealotoftime.Ineedyouinsideofmeagain.”
“Touchyourselfforalittlebit.”
Ipositionedmyfingertipsatmyclitandbegantocirclethemaround.Theroomwassoquietexcept

fortheslicksoundofhiscockmovingagainsthishand.

“Openwider,Amelia.”
Spreadingmykneesfurtherapart,Ihadtocurbtheneedtocome.
“Youready?”heasked.
“Yes,”Iwhispered.
Thistimewhenhesunkintome,itwasslowandcontrolled.Hestoppedwhenhewasfullyinsideand

juststayedtherewithoutmovingforawhile.

“HowthefuckamIgoingtobeabletoleaveyouafterthis?”
When he picked up the pace again, it felt better than ever, not only because of the pressure of his

weightontopofmebutbecausewewerebothfullynaked,ourskinrubbingtogether.Theroomwascold,
buttheheatofhisbodywarmedme.

I held onto his ass, pushing him deeper into me as he circled his hips. His breathing matched the

rhythmofhismovements.Whenmyorgasmsuddenlyrolledthroughme,hemusthavebeenabletofeelit,
because he also came without warning, grunting loudly in my ear. There was no sweeter sound that the
noiseshemadewhenhecame.

Hecollapsedovermeandsaid,“Thankyouforgivingthistome.It’stheonlythingthat’sgonnaget

methroughtherestofthistimeaway.”

Lookingatthetimeshownonmyphone,Ifeltsick.Wehadtenminutesbeforewehadtodrivebackto

thebus.Itwasoddtofeelsatedandscaredatthesametime.He’dleftmybodycompletelysatisfied,yet
myheartwasstillyearningformore.Itjustwantedtohearthosethreewordssodesperately.

***

Whenwearrivedtohisbus,Igrippedhisblackjacket,unabletolethimgo.Afterwhatwe’djustdone,
myattachmenttohimwasstrongerthanever.Itfeltmoreimpossibletolethimgonowthaniteverhad
before.

“Iwantyoutomeetthecrewbeforeweleave.”
AlthoughIwasn’tfeelingverysocial,Isaid,“Okay.”
Justinbroughtmeinsidethebus.Abunchofguysweresittingaroundeatingpiecesofagiganticapple

piethatlookedlikeitwasfromCostco.Itsmelledlikeamixtureofcoffeeandbeer.Justinwentdownthe
line,introducingmetoeachcrewmember.Theywereallsuperniceanddowntoearth.Ididn’thavea
chancetomeetCalvinSprockett,sincehewasontheotherbus.

Afewminuteslater,theonepersonI’ddreadedmeetingthemostfinallymadeherappearance.
“Iseveryoneaccountedfor?”Oliviaasked,holdingawalkietalkie.
Justinlookedatmeandwhispered,“That’sOlivia.”
He didn’t realize I’d already known what she looked like from my stalking. I was starting to feel

nauseous, and it only got worse with each step she took toward us. With luxurious dark hair and a
megawattsmile,shewasevenprettierthanherpictures.

Ifuckinghatedher.
“Iseewehaveanextrapassenger?”Oliviasaid.
Seemingtolosemyabilitytospeak,Ismiledlikeafoolwithoutsayinganything.
“Olivia,thisismygirlfriend,Amelia,”Justinsaid.
Girlfriend.
Thefearinsideofmebegantoslowlyevaporate.Hehadn’tsaidthe“L”word,buthe’dfinallygiven

methevalidationthatIsodesperatelyneeded,especiallynowwithhimleavingagain.

Oliviahadn’tseemedtoosurprised.“It’snicetofinallymeetyou,Amelia.”
“Likewise.”Ismiled.
“AreyoucomingwithustoPhilly?”sheasked.
“No.Ihaveababygirlathome,soI’mnotabletotravel.”
“That’sright.Justinshowedmeherpicture.”
Itfurthercalmedmetoknowthathe’dalsospokentoheraboutBea.
“Well,itwasnicemeetingyou,”OliviasaidbeforegivingJustinaslightlookofwarning.“Busesare

leavinginfive.”

Waitingforhertogetoutofearshot,Isaid,“So,that’sOlivia…”
“Yep.”
“Shesleepsontheotherbus?”
“Yeah. The tour manager goes on the main bus.” He smiled, examining my expression and seeming

amusedatmytransparentrelief.

Henudgedatmydress,andmynipplesimmediatelyperkedup.“Let’sgetyouajacket,”Justinsaid.

“Then I’m gonna tell the driver to hold up while I accompany you to the car. I don’t want you walking
alone.”

Justinretrievedoneofhisblackhoodiesandhelditopenforme.Izippeditup,lovingthesmellofhis

colognethatsaturatedit.HeledmebythehandacrosstheVIPlottotheregularparkingarea.

Justingazedintomyeyesaswestoppedinfrontofmycar.Heheldmetightlyasheburiedhisnosein

myhair.“You’reluckywedon’thaveanymoretime.I’dtakeyourightagainstthiscar.”

“I’dletyou.”
“Thankyoufortonight,Amelia.Youwereamazing.I’mgonnafuckingmissyousomuch.”
Ispokeagainsthischest.“CanIaskyousomething?”
“Yeah…”
“WhendidyoudecideIwasyourgirlfriend?”
Helookedupattheskyandhesitatedasifhehadtoreallyponderit.Hisanswerwasn’twhatIwas

expecting.“ThematineeshowofElAmorDueleatthelittleredtheatercirca2005.Iwasn’tevenpaying
attentiontothemovie.Youwerereallyintoit.Iwasreallyintoyou.Youdidn’trealizeIwasstaringat
youthewholetime.Youweresoenthralledwiththemoviethatyoudidn’tevennoticethatyou’dfinished
yourpopcorn.Youkeptshovelingitintoyourmouth.Withoutyourknowing,Ireplacedyouremptybucket
withmyfullone.Youjustkepteating.Idecidedatthatmomentthatwhetheryouknewitornot,youwere
mygirlfriend.Ikepttellingmyself…thataftertheshow,Iwasfinallygonnamakeyouawareofthatfact,
too.”

“Whathappened?”
Heshruggedhisshoulders.“Ichickenedout.”Webothlaughedandcouldseeourbreathscollidingin

thecoldair.Justinlookeddownathisphone.“Shit.They’retextingmetohurryup.Ihavetogo.”

“Alright.”
Hepulledmeintohimastightlyashecouldandplantedonefinalkissonmylips.“I’mgonnamiss

you so much. Thank you again for coming.” He wriggled his brows. “And for coming again. And for
lettingmecome.”AsIgiggledagainsthislips,hesaid,“Youweresoamazing.”

“Callmetomorrow.”
“Becarefuldrivinghome.”
“Okay.”
Helingeredthensaid,“It’sneverbeenthatwayforme,neverfeltthatwaywithanyoneelse.”
Ilovedhearingthat.
“Meneither.”
Our hands stayed intertwined until the pull of his walking away naturally ripped our fingers apart.

Justinranacrossthelot.

Igotintomycarandturnedontheheat.Istayedidlinguntilthetwobusespulledoutanddisappeared

fromsight.

Later that night, I’d just arrived back at the beach house when my phone chimed with a text from

Justin.

AllthattimeIspentmadatyou…Icouldhavebeenfuckingyou.Whatadumbass.

CHAPTER20

ThehardestdayswithJustingonewerethoseleadinguptotheholidays.ThiswasgoingtobeBea’sfirst
Christmas,andwe’dbespendingitwithouthim.

Justin’stourhadmadeitswayoutWest.HewouldbeperformingtwoshowsinLosAngeles,oneon

ChristmasEveandoneonChristmasDay,sotherewasnowaythathecouldsneakanytimeawaytocome
home.Afterthosegigs,thebandwouldonlyremainintheUSforanotherweekbeforeflyingtoEurope
wherethetourwouldcontinueuntiltheyreturnedtoAmericainthespring.Itmademetiredjustthinking
aboutallofthetravellinghewasdoing.

IhadtogiveJustincredit,though.He’dstucktohiswordaboutSkypingeveryotherdaywithus.As

muchasIlookedforwardtothosechats,itwasgettingharderandhardertobeawayfromhim.Asthe
dayswenton,sohadthefreshmemoryofourtimetogetherinMassachusetts.Thereassurancethatnight
hadgivenmewasslowlybeingreplacedbyfearandinsecurityagainwitheachdaythatpassed.WhileI
trustedhimmoreafterwe’dmadelove,hestillhadn’ttoldmehelovedme.Inmymind,thatmeantthat
nothingwassetinstone.Couplethatwiththefactthathewouldbeawayforoveradozenmoreweeks,
andthatmadeforoneparanoidgirlfriend.

ItwastwodaysbeforeChristmas.BeaandIwereinvitedtoanuglysweaterpartyoveratRogerand

Susan’s house. Justin had called earlier to say they’d just arrived in California. I was grateful for the
distractionthatthepartywouldbring.Atleastforacoupleofhours,itwouldpreventmefromsulkingin
frontoftheChristmastreeatthebeachhouse.

I’dgonetoalocalthriftstoreandboughtahideousredsweaterwithlittleChristmasbulbssewnonto

the front. I’d even managed to find an ugly Christmas sweater onesie online for Bea. So, we were all
readyforthefestivities.

ThetemperaturewasfrigidasIbundledBeaupandranacrosstotheneighbors’housewhichwaslit

upinmulti-coloredlights.Aninflatablesnowmanblewinthewindoutfront.Livingnearthewaterinthe
middleofwinterwaslessthanideal.

Carryingsomefreshly-bakedsugarcookies,Iknockedontheirdoorwithmyfoot,sinceIhadnoextra

hands.

Rogeropenedthedoor.“Amelia,youmadeit!Susanwasn’tsureifyouwerecoming.”
“Iwouldn’tmissit,”Isaid,handinghimtheplateofcookies.“IsSusaninthekitchen?”
“Sheis.You’rethefirstonehere.”
“Figures.”Igrinned.“Ihavetheshortestcommute.”
JustasIwasabouttoheadtoseeSusan,Roger’svoicestoppedme.“Hey,Amelia?”
“Yes?”
“Since Susan’s been back, we really haven’t had a chance to talk. I’ve always felt a little strange

aboutnottellingyoumyselfaboutusgettingbacktogether.”

“You didn’t owe me any explanation. I already explained to her that nothing happened between you

andme.”

“Iknowyoudid.I’mreallyhappythatyoutwohavebecomefriends.AndIwantyoutoknowthatI

wastrulygratefulforyourfriendship,too,atatimewhenIreallyneededit.”

“I’mreallyhappyforyouguys.”

“Thankyou.”Hepaused.“Whataboutyou?”
“Whataboutme?”
Rogertiltedhishead.“Areyouhappy?”
“Iam.JustalittlelonelywithJustingone.”
“Youknow,youusedtotellmethattherewasnothinggoingonbetweenthetwoofyou…”
“Atthetime,therewasn’t.I’dalwayshadfeelingsforhim,though.”
“He’scomingback,right?Afterthetour?”
“Yes.”
“Isthatwhathewantstodowithhislife?Beatouringmusician?Liveontheroad?”
“I’m not sure if that’s how it’s always going to be. He works in software sales, but that’s not his

dream.Musicishisdream.Thiswasaonceinalifetimeopportunity,sohehadtotakeit.”

“Who’sheontourwithagain?”
“CalvinSprockett.”
“Wow.Yeah.That’sprettybigstuff.”
“Itis.”
Afterabitofawkwardsilence,Rogerasked,“Areanyofthoseguysstillmarried?”
“YoumeanCalvinandhisband?”
“Yeah...”
Ihadtothinkaboutit.“Nowthatyoumentionit…Idon’tthinktheyare.”
Rogerhungupmycoatashesaid,“Isupposemarriagedoesn’treallymeshwithsex,drugsandrock

‘nroll.Nottomentionconstantlytraveling.Youknow,thingshadneverbeenharderformethanwhenI
wasphysicallyawayfromSusanandAlyssa.Idon’tknowtoomuchaboutJustin,butitseemslikehe’s
veryfondofBea.Ifhewantstobeafathertoher,absenteeismreallydoesn’twork.Ifiguredthatoutthe
hardway,andthatwaswithouttheadditionalcomplicationoffame.”

“Idon’tthinkhe’sfiguredoutwhetherhewantskids.”
“Well,don’tyouthinkit’stimehedid,ifhewantstobewithyou?”Rogermusthavesensedthathe

wasstressingmeout.“I’msorry,Amelia.I’mjustlookingoutforyou.”

“I appreciate that. But I’m just looking for eggnog tonight, nothing more complicated than that,

alright?”

Closing his eyes briefly in understanding, he chuckled and said, “You got it. Let me grab some for

you.”

Through the muffled laughter of their guests, who were dressed in a rainbow of ugly sweaters, my

thoughts kept me distracted. Even though my conversation with Roger had long ended, I’d spent the
remainder of the party pondering everything he’d said. It was nothing I didn’t already worry about, but
hearingtheconcerncomefromsomeoneelse—someonewhounderstoodthelong-termresponsibilitiesof
fatherhood—waseye-opening.

***

Backatthehouselaterthatnight,IrockedBeatosleepinfrontofthetreetothesoundsofachildren’s
choirCDofChristmascarols.Earlierintheweek,I’dwrappedsomepresentsandplacedthemunderthe
tree. They were all for Bea and included a small box that Justin had shipped to her to be opened on
Christmasmorning.

Ididn’tneedanythingthisyear;BeawasmyChristmasgift.ShewasthegreatestgiftfromGodand

had taught me more about unconditional love than anyone or anything else ever had. She’d given me a

purpose.Ikissedherheadsoftly,vowingtoalwaysbethereforhernomatterwhathappenedwithJustin.
IvowedtobethetypeofmotherthatIneverhad.

StillinmyChristmassweater,IplacedasleepingBeainhercrib,takingamomenttolookaroundand

admireJustin’shandiworkinthenursery.

Backinmyroom,Icouldn’tsleep.I’djustnoddedoffwhenmyphonechimed,wakingmeup.

Youasleep?

Amelia:Wideawakenow.

Justin:Willyoucallme?Idon’tknowifBeaisnearyouanddon’twanttowakeher.

HepickeduponthefirstringafterIdialedhim.
“Hey,beautiful.”
“Hi.”
Hisvoicesoundedsleepy.“Iwokeyou,didn’tI?”
“Yes,butit’sokay.I’dratherspeaktoyouthansleep.Whereareyou?”
“I’matthehotelinLosAngeles.We’reoffthebusestillChristmasnight.”
“Thatmustbeanicechange,gettingtosleepinarealbed.”
“Itonlyremindsmethatyou’renotherewithme.”
“IwishIwere.”
“It’sreallybuggingmethatIcan’tbewithyouguysforChristmas.”
“Idon’tunderstandwhytheydon’tgiveyouChristmasoff.”
“Calvin’salwaysdoneChristmasshows.It’ssortofhistradition.Itsucks.You’dthinknoneofthese

peoplehavefamilies.Ifeelbadforthecrewmemberswithkids.”

“Itdoesn’treallyeverend,doesit?”
Justinsoundedconfusedbymycomment.“Whatinparticular?”
“Imean,thistourwillend.Butthelifeofamusicianneverreallydoes.”
“It’snotlikeIwon’thaveachoiceinthematter.Idon’thavetogoanywhereordoanythingIdon’t

wantto.”

“Yes, but after this tour, so many more people will know who you are. The opportunities will start

coming,andfamewillbeaddicting.Thatwasthepointofallthis,right?Togrowyourmusiccareer?Are
you really going back to your software job, like none of this ever happened? What exactly is going to
happen?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. I just want to come home to you first. That’s all I want. I

won’tbegoingawayagainanytimesoonafterthat.”

“But you might be going away again at some point. This isn’t just a one-time thing, right? It never

reallyends.”

“Whyalloftheworryingallofasudden,Amelia?”
“Idon’tknow.IguessIhavetoomuchtimealonetothink.”
“I’m sorry. But the truth is, I just don’t have all the answers tonight. I can only tell you what I’m

feelingrightnow,andthat’sthatIdon’twanttobehereandwouldgiveanythingtobehomeforChristmas
withyouandBea.”

Rubbingmytiredeyes,Isaid,“Alright.I’msorry.It’slate,andyoumustbetired.”
“Don’teverbesorryfortalkingtomeabouthowyoufeel.Remember,youpromisedtobehonestwith

meifsomethingisbotheringyou.”

“Iknow.”
Justwhenmynerveshadstartedtocalmdown,itsoundedliketherewasaknockathisdoor.
“Hangon,”hesaid.
MyheartbeatstartedtoacceleratewhenIheardawoman’svoiceinthebackground.
I couldn’t make out what she was saying but could hear Justin say, “No, thanks. I appreciate it, but

no.”Hepaused.“Alright.Goodnight.”Icouldhearthedoorclickshut.

Hereturnedtothephone.“Sorry.”
“Whowasthat?”
“SomeonewantedtoknowifIwasinterestedinamassage.”
“Massage?”
“Yes.Calvinsometimeshirespeopletogivemassages.HemusthavesentsomeoneupheretoaskifI

wantedone.”

The eggnog from earlier was starting to come up on me. “So it was just a random girl coming into

yourroomtogiveyouamassage?”

“Amelia…Ididn’taskforone,nordidIwantone.Isentheraway.Ican’thelpitifsomeoneknocks

onmydoor.”

“Haveyoueverhadone?”
Histonewasangry.“No!”
“Ican’thandlethis.”
“Igetwhyastrangewomancomingtomyhotelroomdoorwouldpissyouoff,alright?Butyoueither

trustme,oryoudon’t.Trustisablackorwhiteissue.Thereisnosuchthingastrustingsomeonealittle.
It’seitherthere,oritisn’t.Fuck.Ithoughtyoutrustedme.”

“Ido!IneversaidIdidn’ttrustyou.It’sjust…thatlifestylemakesmeuncomfortable.AndI’mlonely.

Idon’tknowifthisisthekindoflifeIwant.”

“Whatexactlyareyousaying?”
“Idon’tknow.”Isaid,myvoicebarelyaudible.
TherewasalongmomentofsilenceasIlistenedtohisbreathing.Then,hefinallyspoke,“Ican’teven

seethefacesofthepeopleintheaudience.WhenI’msinging,I’msingingtoyou,countingdownthedays
tillIcomehome.Wouldn’tthatjustbeafuckinghootiftherewasnothinglefttocomehometo.”

Whyhaven’tyoutoldmeyoulovedme?
I’dreallypissedhimoff.IneededtoendthecallbeforeIsaidsomethingfurtherthatI’dregret.
“Youhavetwobigshowscomingup.Youcan’taffordtogetallstressedout.I’msorryforcausinga

fight.”

“I’msorry,too.”
“I’mgonnatrytogetsomesleep.”
“Alright,”hesaid.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Afterwehungup,Ihadahardtimefallingbacktosleep.Endingthecallonbadtermsmademefeel

likeshit.IthoughtIcouldn’tfeelanyworse.

The events of the following morning would make the previous night’s argument seem vastly

insignificant.

***

Callitmother’sintuition.

Somethingwokemeup,eventhoughitwasquiet.Theclockshowednearly4AM.
AsItriedtofallbacktosleepafewminuteslater,whatsoundedlikelightwheezingcamethroughthe

babymonitor;youcouldbarelyhearit.

Panicking, I hopped out of bed so fast that it made me lightheaded. Running down the hall to Bea’s

room,itfeltlikemyheartwasinmymouthasIpracticallytrippedovermyownfeet.

Everything seemed to be happening so fast, yet at the same time, they were the longest, scariest

momentsofmylife.Beawasstrugglingtobreathe,herlittleeyeslookingupatmehelplessly.Shewas
chokingbutunabletocough.MymindracedasIscrambledtorememberthestepsfromtheinfantCPR
classI’dtakenbackinProvidence.

Turning her face over my forearm, I held her jaw with one hand to support her head. I slapped her

backfivetimesbetweenhershoulderblades.Shestillcouldn’tbreathe,andnothingcameout.

Turningherfaceup,Iplacedtwofingersinthemiddleofherchestandpresseddowninquickthrusts.

Theobjectstillwouldn’tdislodge.Iranwithhertomyroomtograbmyphoneanddialed911.Icouldn’t
evenrememberwhatI’dsaidtotheoperatorbecausewhenBeabecameunresponsive,Iwaslosingmy
ownabilitytobreathe.

I alternated between back blows and chest compressions as the dispatcher guided me. The object

finallyflewoutofhermouth,andIrealizeditwasoneofthesmallbulbsfrommysweater.Itmusthave
fallenintohercrib.

Whilethebulbhadcomeout,Beawasunconscious.
ThenextthingIknew,sirenswereblaring.Irandownstairswithhertoletthemin.Menrushedinto

theroom.TheybeganperformingCPRonmybabygirl.

MyentirelifehunginthebalanceasIwatchedhelplessly,paralyzedbyfear.Itwasnodifferentthan

beingunconsciousmyself.

When one of the EMTs indicated that she was breathing again, it was as if I’d come back from the

dead.Tearsstreamingdownmyeyesblindedmefromgettingaclearviewastheyputherontoastretcher
anddirectedmetogetintotheambulance.Becauseshe’dbeenunconsciousforsolong,sheneededtobe
takentothehospitalfortreatmentandtoensurethattherewasn’tanybraindamageorinternalinjuries.

Stillinmysleepsweatswithnocoat,Isatintheambulancealongsideherasoneofthemenheldan

oxygenmaskoverherface.

Tooshookuptospeak,ItypedoutaseriesofchoppytextstoJustin.

Beaisalive.
Chokedonasmallornament.
Gotitout.
EMTsperformedCPR.
Inambulanceheadingtohospital.
I’mscared.

Withinseconds,myphonerang.Ithadtobeone-thirtyinthemorninginL.A.
Justin’svoicewasshaky.“Amelia?Igotyourmessage.OhmyGod.Issheokay?”
“Idon’tknow.She’sconsciousandbreathing.Ijustdon’tknowiftherewasanyotherdamage.”
“Canyouseeher?Isshewithyou?”
“Yes.She’sgotanoxygenmaskoverherface,buthereyesareopen.Ithinkshe’sscared.”

Iheardrustlingthenhesaid,“I’mgettingonthenextflightoutthere.”
Stillinshock,Iwassilent.
Hisvoiceseemedtobefadingintothedistance.“Amelia?Areyouthere?Hanginthere,baby.She’s

goingtobeokay.Shewill.”

“Okay,”Iwhisperedthroughmytears.
“Wherearetheytakingher?”
“HasbroChildren’sHospitalinProvidence.”
“Callmeassoonasyouknowanything.”
“Alright.”
“Bestrong,Amelia.Please.”

CHAPTER21

ThosefirstfewhourswaitingwithBeaintheintensivecareunitwereexcruciating,trulythescariestof
mylife.

They had her hooked up to an IV and were giving her oxygen. The doctors ran a series of tests to

check for internal injuries and neurological problems. Apparently, after respiratory failure, there could
actually be delayed brain injury that wasn’t apparent right away. It would be a while before all of the
resultscamein.

Withnoclearprognosis,mysilentprayerswerenon-stop.IbeggedGodtosparemybabyfromany

irreversibledamage.Beawassleepingalot,probablyexhaustedfromallofthetrauma,soitwashardto
gaugehowshewasreallydoing.

Shewasabletoopenhereyes,though,andIhadtobegratefulforthatandforthefactthatshewas

alive and breathing. Thank God I’d randomly woken up when I did. If I had gotten to her room even a
minutelater,theoutcomecouldhavebeenverydifferent.Icouldn’tevenbeartothinkaboutthat.Someone
was definitely watching over us last night. Until I had answers, I had to just focus on the positive—the
factthatshewasalive—andcontinuetopray.

Itwasmid-morningnow,andIhadn’tmovedfrommyspotatBea’sside.Iwasafraidtoevengoto

thebathroomsoasnottomissthedoctorcominginwithinformation.Anicenursefinallyforcedmetogo
getsomethingtodrinkandtousethebathroom.ShepromisedtowatchBeaandassuredmethatnothing
wouldhappenwhileIwasgone.

Inthebathroomjustoffofthenurse’sstation,tearsbegantopouroutofmyeyes.Riddledwithguilt,I

wasfinallylosingit.Ifitweren’tforthatstupidsweaterandmycarelessness,noneofthiswouldhave
everhappened.HowcouldInothavecheckedhercribbeforeIputherdown?Forcingmyselftogetit
together,Ineededtoputonastrongfrontbeforereturningtomydaughter.Shewasintuitive;Icouldn’tlet
hersensemyfear.

ThedoctorcameinshortlyafterIreturnedtomyspotatBea’sbedside.
“Ms.Payne…”
Istoodup,feelingtheweightofmyheavy,terrifiedheart.“Yes?”
“Wejustreceivedtheresultsofthetestsonherinternalcondition.Therearenointernalinjuriesaside

fromaslightfracturingoftheribs,whichwillhealonitsown.Herneurologicalassessmentseemsokay,
too,butthat’swhatIwanttowatchoverthenextdaybeforewecanconsiderreleasingher.Inolonger
thinksheneedstobeintheintensivecareunit,sowe’regoingtomovehertoaregularroomononeofthe
mainfloors.”

Amassivesenseofreliefwashedoverme.“Doctor,thankyou.Thankyou.Icouldhugyou.CanIhug

you?”Whenhenoddeduncomfortably,Iembracedhim.“Thankyousomuch.”

“Itcouldhavebeenveryserious.Weseethisverysamescenarioenddifferentlyalltoooften.Babies

ortoddlerschokingongrapes,hotdogs,smalltoys.You’reverylucky.”

Afterthedoctorleft,ItypedoutatexttoJustin.

Thank God! The doctor thinks she’s going to be okay. They want to watch her for at least the

nexttwenty-fourhours,though.I’msohappyrightnow!

Therewasnoresponse.
Soonafter,theymovedustoanewroomonthethirdfloor.Lyinginhernewbed,Beahadhereyes

openandlookedconfusedasshegazedupatthepanelsoffluorescentlightsontheceiling.Sheseemed
alert,butnothertypicalhappyself.Shewasprobablywonderingwhatthehellshewasdoinghere.

TheytoldmeIcouldholdheragain.Eventhoughshe’dbeengettingvitaminsandfluidsthroughanIV,

theysuggestedIfeedher.I’dbeengivinghermoreformulathanbreastmilklately,butIchosetonurseher
because I knew it would comfort her. I was relieved that she was eating with no problem. With every
minutethatpassed,Ibecamemoreconfidentthatmybabywasgoingtobeokay.

Shehadtobe.
After I returned Bea to her bed, Shelly, the nurse, came in to check her vitals. So focused on

everythingShellywasdoing,Ialmostdidn’tnoticehimstandingthere.

Justin was in the doorway, his chest rising and falling as he took in the sight of Bea lying in the

hospitalbed.Eventhoughhe’dsaidhewasgettingonaplane,Ihadn’theardanythingfromhimforthe
past several hours and wasn’t sure if he’d been able to get a flight. His hair was a mess, and his eyes
werered.Despitelookingraggedandalmoststrungout,hewasstillstunninglyhandsome.

Myheartleapt.“Justin.”
Hesaidnothingandhadn’ttakenhiseyesoffBeaashewalkedslowlytowardthebed.Helookedlike

hewasinshocktoseeherlyingthere,lookingsoweak.“She’sokay?”

“Wethinkso,yes.Youdidn’tgetmytexts?”
HiseyesstillgluedtoBea,heshookhishead.“No.No,Iwasontheplane,andmyphonedied.Itook

thefirstflightIcouldgetoutofLAXandcamestraighthere.”

Shellylookedathim.“Areyouherfather?”
JustinreachedhishandouttoBea’scheekandgentlyrubbeditashesaid,“Yes.”Hisanswerwasa

shock.Chillsranthroughmewhenhelookedatmeandrepeated,“Yes,Iam.”

Whenheturnedhisattentionbacktoher,hisredeyesbecamefilledwithmoisture.InalltheyearsI’d

knownhim,IhadneverseenJustinshedasingletear.HesatdownintheseatontheothersideofBea.

ShellynoticedthatJustinhadstartedtocry,andsaid,“I’llgiveyousomeprivacy.”
Whenthedoorclickedbehindher,JustinloweredhisfaceintothebedandkissedBealightlyonthe

cheek. Still equal-parts stunned and touched at his proclaiming himself her father, I waited for him to
speak.Ittookawhileforthewordstocome.Hejuststaredather,alookofaweandreliefeversoslowly
replacingtheshockfromearlier.Iknewhenoticedthatshewasn’thernormalself.Itwashardnottosee
it.Beawouldhavebeensmilingorgigglingathimbynow.Instead,shewasmerelyawakebutquiet.I
hopeditwasjustbecauseshehadn’tseenhiminawhileandnotasignofsomethingmoreserious.

“Iloveyou,Bumblebee.I’msorryit’stakenmethislongtotellyou.”Hewipedhiseyesthenturned

to me. “I’ve never been more scared in my life, Amelia. I was afraid something would happen to her
beforeIcouldgethere,thatI’dneverseehersmileagain,thatI’dneverhaveachancetotellherhow
muchIwanttobeherfather.Thewholeflighthere,IprayedtoGod,bargainedwithhim,thatifsheturned
out to be okay, I wouldn’t let another second go by without telling her I loved her. The thing is…even
without my saying it…she already thinks I’m her Daddy. I know I’m not her biological father, but she
doesn’tknow that. Blooddoesn’t make someonea father anyway. Whatmakes me herfather is that she
choseme.Sheownedmefromthemomentshefirstsmiledatme.Andwhilethatusedtoscaretheshitout
ofme,Icouldn’timaginelifewithouthernow.”

“Ithoughtyoudidn’twantkids.”
“So did I. Maybe I didn’t want some generic imagined kids. But I want her.” He repeated in a

whisper,“Iwanther.”

Now,Iwascrying,too.“Shelovesyou,too,youknow.Verymuch.”
“I’mtheonlyfathershe’severknown.AndshethinksIleftwithoutexplanation.Thatkillsmeevery

day.”

“What’shappeningwiththetour?”
“Well,they’rewithoutanopeningactnowfortheChristmasshowsinL.A.,butCalvinunderstandsmy

situation.They’regonnawingit.TheyallknowhowmuchBeameanstome.Theysaidtheywouldmake
dueforthenextfewshowsifneedbe.I’mnotgoingbackuntilI’msureshe’sokayandhome.”

OurattentionturnedtoBeawhenshesuddenlystartedtobabble.
Justinteased,“Hey,youhavesomethingtosayforyourself?”Hesmiledatherforabitbeforeturning

tome.“Isitokaytoholdher,orisitbetternotto?”

“TheytoldmeIcouldtakeherout.It’sokay.Justdon’ttossherupintotheairoranything.”
Justinslowlyliftedheroutofthebedandcradledherinhisarms.“Youscaredthecrapoutofme,

MissBee.Yousurethiswasn’taploytogetmehomeforChristmas?Ifso,jobwell-done.”

It had completely skipped my mind that tonight was Christmas Eve; we’d be spending her first

Christmasinthehospital.

Tiltingmyhead,Iadmiredthetwoofthemtogether.I’dalwaysfelttheirconnectionbutworriedthat

Justin would never truly give into it. I felt so happy for Bea, that this wonderful guy wanted to be her
father.IknewnomatterwhathappenedbetweenJustinandme,hewouldalwaysbethereforher.

When Bea fell asleep in his arms, I told Justin the full story of what happened as best I could

rememberit.

Bea was still asleep when he returned her to the bed and asked, “When was the last time you ate,

Amelia?”

“Sometimeyesterday.”
“I’mgonnagogetussomefoodandcoffeewhileshe’ssleeping.”
“Thatwouldbegreat.”
WithJustingoneandBeaasleep,mytiredmindwentintooverdrive.Itwasgettingdarkoutsidethe

hospitalwindows.Leftalonewithtoomuchtimetothink,Istartedtopushguiltonmyselfforallowing
thistohappen.Ihadonejob,andthatwastotakecareofmydaughterandkeephersafe;Icouldn’teven
dothat.

WhenJustinreturned,hewascarryingapaperbagoffoodandasmallChristmastreethatprobably

camefromapharmacy.

I must have looked like a wreck because he dropped everything and came over to me. “What’s

wrong?”

“Thisismyfault.IshouldhavecheckedhercribbeforeIlefttheroom.”
“Itwasanaccident.Thatdamnbulbfelloffyoursweater.Youdidn’tseeithappen.”
“Iknow,butIcan’thelpfeelinglikeifI’djustdonesomethingdifferently…”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?Yousavedherlife.”
“Yes.ButonlybecauseIwasluckyenoughtowakeupwhenIdid.Ican’tevenimaginewhattoday

wouldbelikeifIhadn’t.”

“Don’tthinkaboutthat.Godwaswithher.She’sokay.She’llbeokay.Itwasn’tyourfault.”
“Ijustcan’thelpfeelinglikeahorriblemother.”
“Listentome.Rememberthatnightwestayedupthewholenighttalkingatthebeachhousethatfirst

summer?Youtoldmeyoufeltliketeachingwasn’twhatyouweremeanttodo,thattherewassomething
elseoutthereyou’dbebetterat?”

“Yes.”
“I’ll never forget this past summer when I came home unexpectedly to find you and Bea there. You

werein that fucked-upstate of disarray.I’d never witnessed anyonegive of themselvesso fully for the
goodofanotherhumanbeinglikethat.Thereisn’tonemomentofanydaywhereyoudon’tputherfirst.
You don’t think about yourself, your own mental well-being, getting a break. I’d watch you feeding her
sometimesandwishthatI’dhadamotherlikeyou.NotsoIcouldsuckonyourtits.”Hewinked.“But
becauseofhownurturingyouare.Whenweweregrowingup,Ialwaysthoughtyouwereprettyamazing,
butitdoesn’tevencomeclosetohowIseeyounow.So,don’tyoudare.Don’tyoudarecallyourselfa
horriblemother,AmeliaPayne.Thatthingyouweremeanttodothatyoucouldn’tfigureout?Itwastobe
amothertothatlittlegirl.That’syourcalling.Andyou’redoingadamngoodjob.”

Iclosedmyeyesandtookadeepbreath,sothankfulforhisreassurance,whichjustbasicallytalked

meoffofamentalledge.“Thankyou.”

HewalkedovertothebagsandhandedmeaDunkinDonutsicedcoffeealongwithaChipotleburrito

bowl.“Now,eat…beforeshewakesup.”

Afterwefinishedourfood,Justinpluggedthesmalltreeintoanoutletinthecorneroftheroom.This

wasasgoodasChristmasEvewasgoingtogetunderthecircumstances.

WhenBeafinallywokeup,wegotalittleChristmasmiracle.Justinwaslookingdownatherwhen

she finally smiled for the first time since the choking incident. It was the best gift we could have ever
askedfor.

“MerryChristmas,Bumblebee,”Justinsaid.Youcouldfeelthesenseofreliefintheair.Itmayhave

beenonesmileoutofmany,butitwasanimportantone.Tous,itmeantshewasgoingtobeokay.

Justin pulled up Pandora on his phone and streamed Christmas music until it got late. The hospital

broughtintwocotsthatwesetuponeachsideofBea’sbed.

Itwaspast11PM.JustinwasexhaustedfromhistripanddozedoffalongwithBea.Istillwasn’table

torelaxenoughtoshutmyeyes.Iwouldn’tbehappyuntilwewerehome.

With both of them asleep, I played on my phone for a bit, going back to the text message chain

betweenJustinandmetoseeexactlywhatI’dwrittenhimfromtheambulance.Iwassostressed,Ihadno
recollection of what I’d typed in those horrific moments. That was when I noticed a message that had
comeinfromhimearlierthatnight,atextIhadn’tnoticedduetoeverythingthathappenedwithBea.

Idon’tlikefightingwithyou.Iloveyou.Incasetherewasanydoubt.

Thetimeofthemessagewasshortlybefore4AM.ThatwasalmostexactlythetimeIhadwokenup

rightbeforeBea’swheezingstarted.Ihadfiguredthatmywakingupoutofthebluewasrandom,butit
musthavebeenthetextthatinterruptedmyslumber.

As I looked over at Justin sleeping peacefully, my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my

chest.Notbecausehe’dfinallysaidthosethreewordsI’dlongedtohear.Itwastheotherrealization.Ifit
weren’tforthattext,Iwouldn’thavewokenup.

Ididn’tsaveBea’slife.
Justindid.

CHAPTER22

Bea was released from the hospital on Christmas Day. We were overjoyed to take her home after the
doctorsofficiallyruledoutanybraininjury.IthadevenstartedsnowingontheridebackfromProvidence
toNewport,makingittrulyawhiteChristmas.

JustinwouldbestayingwithusforacoupleofdaysbeforemeetingupwiththetourinLondonforthe

startoftheEuropeanleg.Iwouldn’tallowmyselftogetsadoverhisleavingyet,sincethiswasstolen
timeanyway.

Christmasnight,wesataroundthetreewithBeaandhelpedheropenherpresents.Isavedthesmall

boxthatJustinhadpreviouslymailedtoopenlast.Whenwefinallygottoit,JustinwatchedanxiouslyasI
rippedopenthetapeandremovedthegenerousamountofbubble-wrap.

Inside was a small wooden guitar that sat vertically atop a cylinder base. The bottom also opened,

and you could store small items inside of it. On top of the guitar was a hand-painted black and yellow
bumblebee.Itwasmadetolooklikethebeehadjustlandedontheinstrument.Justintookitfrommeand
woundthebottom.TheguitarbegantoslowlyspinaroundtoasongIdidn’trecognize.

“IhaveafriendbackinNewYorkwhodesignscustommusicboxes,”hesaid.“Iaskedhimtomake

meoneforher.Thebeerepresentsthefactthatshe’salwayswithmenomatterwhereIam.”

Soextremelytouched,Ipaidspecialattentiontothesongbutafterseveralsecondsoflistening,still

didn’trecognizeit.“Whatsongisthat?It’sbeautiful.”

“It’s the melody of something I’m writing. This guy was able to program it into the box. I’m still

workingonthelyrics,though.”

“That’ssoamazing.Thisisthemostthoughtfulgiftyoucouldhavegivenher.”
“It’sjustsomethingtomakemefeellikeI’mwithherwhenIcan’tbe.”HelookeddownatBeaasshe

hypnoticallywatchedtheguitarspinroundandround.Hestaredatherforawhilebeforehesaid,“What
doyougetforsomeoneyoucanneverrepay…forallshe’staughtyou,allshe’sgivenyou?”

“Ithinkyoutakingontheresponsibilityofbeingherfatherisaprettybiggift.”
HekissedBeaonthehead.“Thatgiftisallmine.”
Smilingatthebothofthem,IaskedaquestionI’dbeenwonderingeversincehecamehome.“What

changed?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Beforeyouleft,itseemedlikeyouwerestillunsureaboutwhatyourroleinherlifewasgoingtobe.

Whatchanged?”

He stared down at the music box for a while then up at me. “My doubts were never about her, just

whetherIwasworthyofherlove.Ididn’twanttobeadisappointmenttosomeonethatmeantsomuchto
me. But being away from her made me realize that she’d already become a part of me. My fear of
inadequacyaside,shewasalreadymydaughterineverywaythatmattered.Steppingawayhelpedmesee
thatevenmoreclearly.”

Earlier, I’d explained to Justin my realization about the timing of his text. He refused to take

responsibilityforsavingBea’slife,insistingIdeservedallofthecreditforthat.Ihadn’taddressedthe
actualsubjectofhistextuntilnow.

Ileanedmyheadagainsthisshoulder,sogratefultohavehimhomewithus,evenifjustforacouple

of days. “I love you, Justin. You know, I’d been so fixated on the fact that you hadn’t used those three
wordstowardmeyet.I’dplacedsomuchimportanceonhearingyoutellmeyoulovedme.Bythetime
youfinallydid—inthattext—itcameasnosurprise,becausedeepdown,Ialreadyknew.You’vetaught
methatloveisn’taboutwords.It’saseriesofactions.You’veshownyourloveformeinhowyoulookat
me,howyoutreatmeandmostofall,inhowmuchyoulovemydaughterasyourown.”

Heleanedintokissmethensaid,“Iloveyoubothverymuch.Thatnight,Irealizedhowfoolishit

wasthatIhadn’tsaidthosewords.Butthetruthis,italmostfeltunnaturaltoannounceit,becauseit’snot
like I’d just recently fallen in love with you. It’s something that’s been there for years. I never stopped
loving you. There may have been times when I tried to hate you, but even then, I never stopped loving
you.”

“Ineverstoppedlovingyou,either.Itwaswrongofmetojustassumethatyoudidn’tlovemebecause

youdidn’tsayit.”

Hewriggledhisbrows.“Youknowwhattheysayaboutassumingthings…”
“Youendupinapornotheaterwatchinganal?”Ichuckled.
“Goodgirl.Thatiscorrect.”Hewinked.
HavinggottennosleepsinceBea’sordealbegan,Iwasquicklylosingsteam.Thethreeofusturnedin

earlyforthenight.PuttingBeabackintothecribalonetonightwasjustnotsomethingIwasreadyforyet.
Instead,shesleptrightinbetweenJustinandme—herparents.Icoulddefinitelygetusedtothat.

We had one more day with him—the day after Christmas. Then, Justin would be leaving us again,

flyingoutofNewYorktoLondon.

***

ItfeltlikeadreamtowakeuptothesmellofJustin’scoffeefusionbrewinginthekitchen.

BeawasstillsleepingwhenIwentdownstairsandsnuckupbehindhim,loopingmyarmsunderneath

his.Mybralesschestpressedthroughmynightgownintohisbroadback.Webothgazedoutatthefrigid
wavesrollingthroughthewintryocean.Iwasalreadypiningforsummer,notonlybecauseofthebalmy
weather,butbecauseJustinwouldbehomewithusbythen.

Heturnedaroundandcoveredmymouthwithahungrykiss.Nowthatmynerveshadcalmeddown

overBea,mysexualdesirewasslowlyescalatingtoanormallevel.Justin’shairwasstickingupinall
directions, and a small beard was growing out. As it scratched my face in a pleasurable way, I felt
wetness between my legs. Pressing my body into his erection, I took a deep breath in, savoring his
masculinesmellthatwasmixedwiththearomaofthepercolatingcoffee.

IwantedhimmorethanIwantedmymorningcupofJoe,andthatwassayingsomething.Survivingthe

nextfewmonthswithouthimwasn’tgoingtobeeasy,butatleast,Iknewnowwherethingsstoodbetween
us.Hestoppedkissingmeandcaressedmyface,lookinglikehehadsomethingonhismind.

“Ihaveacoupleofquestionsforyou,”hesaid.
“Okay…”
“Iwasthinking…IwouldloveitifyouandBeacouldcometothelastshowinthespring.It’llbein

NewYork,won’tbetoofarforyoutotravel.Icanbookyouaflightifyoudon’twanttodrive.Then,we
canallcomehometogetherinmycar.Itwouldbeniceifyoucouldatleastseemeonthebigstageonce
beforeit’sover.Whatdoyouthink?Wecouldgetnoisereducingheadphonesforherifit’stooloud.”

“Iwouldn’tmissitfortheworld.I’vebeenthinkingthatIshouldatleastgettoseeyouontourforone

show.NewYorkwouldbetheperfectlocation.”

“Good.I’llmakeallthearrangements.”

“What’stheotherquestion?”
“WhatarethechancesIcouldfuckyourawonthatcounterbeforeshewakesup?”
Ihesitated.Iwantedhimsobadly,butmyperiodhadjustcomethismorning.Iwasnevercomfortable

doingthedeedontheheaviestdayofmycycle.

“Ireallywantthatrightnow,but…”
Disappointmentflashedacrosshisface.“What?”
“Istabbedmyself…prettyheavily.”
Shutting his eyes in disappointment, he grumbled, “Shit. I need you so badly right now.” He looked

downatthegroundthenupatme.“Idon’tmind…ifyoudon’t.I’llstabyousogoodmyself,youwon’t
eventhinkabouttheotherwound.”

AsmuchasIwantedto,Ijustcouldn’t.
Ipulledontheedgeofhispants,takingapeekattherockharderectioninside.“Ihaveabetteridea.”
“Ohyeah?”
Droppingtomyknees,Islowlyundidthestringofhisnavypajamapants.
Leaning his elbows back against the counter, Justin bent his head back and surrendered without

argument,excepttolaughunderhisbreathashesaid,“Or…wecoulddothis.Fuck.Yeah.”

AdmiringthecutVofhislowerabsandthethinlineofhairthatrandownthemiddle,Isaid,“I’ve

alwayswantedtogodownonyou.Thattimeweleftthepornotheater,rememberthat?Icouldn’thaveyou
backthen,butIfantasizedthatwholenightaboutsuckingyouoff.”

He massaged my hair. “I’ll never forget that night. It was so damn hot to see you getting turned on

duringthatmovie.Iwantednothingmorethantoliftyouontopofmeandfuckthatprettylittlepinkpussy
rightinthelittleredtheater.Iwantedyousofuckingbadlythatnight,somuchithurt.AlmostasmuchasI
wantyounow.”

HisbreathhitchedwhenItookhiscockout.Iopenedwideandwrappedmylipsaroundit.Heletout

ahot,throatysoundandwasalreadywetthemomentmytonguetookitsfirstswirlaroundhiscrown.

“Holyshit,”hehissed.“That’sgood.Yourmouthonmycock,Amelia…nothinglikeit.Thisfeelslike

adream.”

HetastedwarmandsaltyasIsucked,rubbingmypalmalonghisshaft.Hegrippedthebackofmyhair

toguidemymouthasitbobbedupanddownoverhiscock.

Atonepoint,IbegantotakehimasdeeplyasIcouldwithoutchoking.AsIintentionallysqueezedthe

backofmythroataroundhiscock,Isnuckaglanceupathisreactionashemuttered,“Oh,youevilbitch.
Thatissofuckinggood.”Irepeatedthemovementagainandagain.Hiseyeswereclosedsotightlythathe
lookedlikehismindhadtravelledtoanotherdimension.

Myownmoansvibratedoverhiscockashesuddenlybuckedhishipsandcameharddownmythroat.

Pulling my hair, he groaned, “Shit. Take it all, baby. Take it all,” as I drank in the hot spurts of cum
shootingdownmythroat.

IlookedupathimseductivelyasIswallowedeverylastdrop.
Whentherewasnothingleftbuthispanting,hesaid,“Fuck.Youdidn’tholdback.Ialwaysknewyou

likedcreamwithyourcoffee,butdamn.Itwashottoseehowmuchyouenjoyedit,too.”Hereleaseda
long breath as he adjusted his pants. “I already want to do it again. Is this a trick to get me to stay or
something?Becauseitjustmightfuckingwork.”

“Really?Ifthat’sthecase,mymouthisready.”
“Oh, we will be doing that again before I leave. That…was mind blowing. Where the hell did you

learntosucklikethat?”Heshookhisheadfast.“Nevermind.Idon’treallywanttoknow.”Wipingthe
cornersofmymouth,heasked,“WhattheheckdidIdotodeservethatanyway?”

“Yousavedmydaughter’slife.Youdeservedtheblowjobofyourlife.”
Hesqueezedmeclose.“Quick,runouttothebeachandjumpinthechoppyocean.”
Isquintedmyeyes.“Why?”
“ThatwayIcansaveyou.Maybeyou’llletmetakethatasslater.”

***

JustinspentarecordamountoftimethatafternoontryingtogetBeatosay“Dada.”

Shebabbledalotingeneral,buthadn’tusedtheletterDasmuchasthelettersBorM.Shealsoknew

howtosay“byebye.”

I watched the two of them from the kitchen as Justin sat with Bea on the couch, trying to get her to

repeathiswords.

“SayDa-da.”Hepointedtohimself.“I’mDa-da.”
“Ba-ba,”shesaid.
Herepeated,“Da-da.”
“Ba-ba.”
“Da-da.”
Sheblewaraspberryandgiggled.
“Yousillygirl.SayDa-da.”
Beapausedforabitthensaid,“Ma-ma,”beforecrackingup.Justintickledherbellywithhishair,and

shefellintoalaughingfit.

Wiping the kitchen counter, I was in stitches watching all of this go down. Either I was raising a

Mama’sgirl,orshewasonehellofalittlecomedian.

CHAPTER23

ThethreemonthsthatfollowedChristmasdragged.

Bea started to walk right around the time she turned one on March fifteenth. Justin was pissed that

he’d missed not only her birthday, but her first steps. He kept trying to get her to say Dada or Daddy
duringourSkypechatstonoavail.

Thoseweeksweretough,butknowingwithabsolutecertaintythathewasdefinitelycominghometo

uswaswhatgotmethrough.Gettingtofinallyseehiminconcertattheendofitallwasthecherryontop.

Thetourhadfinallymadeitswaybacktothissideofthepond.ThefinalshowswereinNovaScotia,

MaineandNewYorkCity.

Itwasfinallytheweekendofthelong-awaitedManhattanshow.Justinhadpurchasedplaneticketsfor

BeaandmetoflytoNewYork.Wewouldthenimmediatelycheckintoahotelneartheconcertvenue.
Sincetheband’straveltimebackfromMaineSaturdayafternoonwouldbecuttingitclosetoshowtime,
wewouldn’thaveachancetoseeJustinuntilafterhisperformancethatnight.

Bea was great on the quick commuter flight from Providence to La Guardia. I’d packed one small

carry-onforbothofusandapolkadotumbrellastroller.

Whenwelanded,Justin’smanager,Steve,wasniceenoughtopickusupfromtheairportanddriveus

to the hotel. We had to pass through Times Square. Bea looked around in awe as she took in all of the
flashingprimarycolorsandcommotion.Itwasdefinitelysensoryoverload,probablyforbothofus.I’d
beenhomeboundontheislandforsolong,I’dalmostforgottenwhatcitylifewaslike.

Thehotelwasrightaroundthecornerfromthevenue.Aftertheshow,thethreeofuswouldspendthe

nighthereandlingerinthecitytomorrowbeforeheadingbackhometotheisland.

After we checked into our hotel room, I had the jitters. Seeing Justin perform always made me so

emotional, but seeing him perform for the first time on a big stage would surely be overwhelmingly
poignant.

IlaydownnexttoBeaintheplushhotelbed,tryingtogethertonap,sinceshe’dbeupwaypasther

bedtimetonight.Shemanagedtogetanhourofsleepinginbeforewepackedupandheadedtothevenue.

Whenwearrivedtotheconcerthall,thelinetogetinwasamilelong.Gazingattheilluminatedsign

gavemechills:CalvinSprockett,featuringJustinBanks.WewereabletopassthroughtotheVIPline,
andanusherescortedustoourseatsthatwereinthecenterofthethirdrow.

Bealookedsocuteasshesatontopofmylap.Hernoisereducingheadphoneswerehuge.Shelooked

likealittlemartianinthem.Thankfully,despiteallofthecryingshedidforthefirstthreemonthsofher
life, she’d turned into a mild-mannered baby, so I banked on her being able to sit through the whole
performancewithoutinterruption.

Whenthelightsdimmed,andthespotlightshineddownontohim,myheartraced.Thepitter-patterof

excitementwasall-consuming.Justinhadtoldmethathisviewoftheaudiencewasalwaystoodarkto
make out faces, but I could see him looking out into the vast crowd for a moment before the first song
began. My body practically melted into my seat as I bowed down to the sheer power of his amplified
voice.Thatveryfirstnote,theinitialrecognitionofhisdeep,soulfulsoundwasalwayssoamazing.

SqueezingBeatightlyaswerockedbackandforth,IlistenedtohimsingsongaftersongthatI’dnever

heardbefore.Ihadn’trealizedthatheperformedonlyoriginalsongsonthistourandnocovers.Itmade

mefeellikeI’dmissedsomuchinneverhavingheardmostofthesesongs.I’dclosemyeyesfromtimeto
time,enjoyingthesoundwavesofhisguitarstringsvibratingthroughmeasIdecipheredallofthelyrics.

Isatthereforthatfirstfortyminutesinaweofhim:thewayhisfingersworkedtheinstrumentwith

speedy precision, the way his voice could change depending on the song, the way he could mesmerize
hundredsofpeoplewithnothingbuthissmokyvoice,aguitarandmicrophone.

Justin had mentioned that this opening act was only about forty-five minutes, so I knew we were

nearingtheend.

Hespokeintothemic,“Tonightisspecialforseveralreasons,notonlybecausethismarkstheendof

ourtour,butalsobecausewe’rehereinmysecondfavoriteplaceintheworld,NewYork.Thiswasmy
home up until recently. My new home is on an island with the love of my life and my daughter. After
tonight, I get to go home after a long time away from them. But the biggest reason tonight is special, is
becausemydaughterishere.Bea,thankyouforteachingmethatsometimesthethingwefearmorethan
anything, is really what our soul craves the most. This last song is one I finally finished. It took me a
whilebecauseofhowimportantitwastome,becauseIwroteitforher.It’scalled,Bea-u-tifulGirl.”

Iimmediatelyrecognizedtheopeningmelodyasthesamesongprogrammedinsideofthemusicbox

hehadmade.

Then,hestartedtosing,andIwasagoner.

Mysoulwassick,butyouwerethecure.

Neverbeforefeltalovesopure.

ThatthingIoncefearedthemost,

Nowturnsmyhearttotoast.

Bea-u-tifulGirl,

Ididn’tmakeyou,butyouweremadeforme.

Bea-u-tifulGirl,

Thankyouforhelpingmesee,

Thewaylifewasmeanttobe.

Witheveryoneofyourcries,

Apartofmyheartdies.

Butyou’llsmileatmeandthen,

Putitbacktogetheragain.

Bea-u-tifulGirl,

Ididn’tmakeyou,butyouweremadeforme.

Bea-u-tifulGirl,

Thankyouforhelpingmesee,

Thewaylifewasmeanttobe.

Anangelindisguise,

Isreflectedintheeyes,

OfalittleBumblebee.

Thankyouforchoosingme.

Bea-u-tifulGirl,

Ididn’tmakeyou,butyouweremadeforme.

Bea-u-tifulGirl,

Thankyouforhelpingmesee,

Thewaylifewasmeanttobe.

Whenthesongfinished,Justinreceivedastandingovation.Myeyeswerestingingfromtearsofjoy.

Hiswritingthatsongforhertouchedmeonsomanylevels.Iwishedsomuchthatshecouldunderstand
thewords.

JustindisappearedfromsightastheyshutdownthestageforabittosetupforCalvin.Mybadgewas

supposedtogivemebackstageaccess,butwehadn’tdiscussedlogistics.Iwasn’tsureifIshouldtryto
gobacktherenow,orwaitforatextfromhim,maybewatchsomeofCalvin’sperformance.

AnxioustoseehimandtellhimhowmuchIlovedthesong,IliftedmyselfandBeaoutoftheseatand

mademywaydownthelongcenteraisletotheentrance.Anusherdirectedustothebackstageentrance.A
largesecurityguardgreetedmethere.

“Doyouhaveabadge?”
Flashingit,Isaid,“Yes.I’mJustinBanks’girlfriend,andthisishisdaughter.”
Heexaminedthebadgeagainmorecloselyandsteppedaside,gesturingbehindhim.“Rightthisway.

He’sindressingroomfour.”

Thedoorwascrackedopen,anditshockedmetofindthatJustinwasn’talone.Iimmediatelymoved

tothesidesothatIcouldavoidbeingseenwhileIlistenedtotheirconversation.

“Ihopeyoudon’tmindmycominghere,”shesaid.“WhenIheardyouwereplayingintown,Ijusthad

toseeyou.IcontactedSteve,andhegavemeabackstagepass.”

“Ofcourse,Idon’tmind.It’sreallygoodtoseeyou,Jade.”
Even though a little bit of jealousy was creeping in, it wasn’t anything like what it used to be. My

confidence in his feelings toward me now overrode that insecurity. Still, it was always going to be
uncomfortableformetothinkaboutJustinandJade,givenallofmymemoriesofthemtogether.

“Ijustneedtotalktoyou,Justin.StevetoldmeyouwerewithAmelianow,andIjust…tobehonest,

I’mshocked.Andthenthesongyousang…”

“I’msorry,Jade.Ishould’vebeentheonetotellyouthenews.Ididn’twanttohurtyouanymorethan

Ialreadyhad.”

“So,apparently…youdidwantchildren.Justnotmine?”
“Ididn’texpecttofallinlovewiththatbabygirl.”
“But you did see falling in love with her mother coming a mile away. When we lived together, you

madeitseemlikeyouhatedher.Itwasn’thateatall,wasit?Ishouldhaveknown.Nooneactslikethat
towardsomeoneunlesstheycaretoomuch.”

“Therewasnowayyoucouldhaveknown,becauseIkeptitinside.Itwascomplicatedthen.During

thoseearlydays,Ifoughtmyfeelingsforher.Ireallydid.Iwantedthingstoworkbetweenyouandme.I
didn’tthinkI’dendupwithAmelia.Butyes,theanimositytowardherwasaresultofotherdeep-rooted
feelingsIcouldn’tcontrol.Itwasverycomplicated.”

TherewasabitofawkwardsilencebeforeIheardherask,“Wereyouwithheratanypointwhenwe

weretogether?”

“No.Nothinghappeneduntilafterwebrokeup.Ididn’twanttohurtyou,butapparently,Imanagedto

anyway.Forthat,I’msosorry.You’reabeautifulperson,insideandout.Iwillalwayslookbackhappily
atourtimetogether.Ihopeyoufindsomeonewhodeservesyou.”

WhenIheardJadestarttocry,itmademeuncomfortable,soIdecidedtoleaveandgivethemprivacy

tofinishtheirconversation.Myheartreallydidbreakforher,andIsupposethelastpersonshewantedto
seestandingtherewhenshelefthisdressingroomwasme.

Returningtothelobby,Itextedhimtoletusknowwhenweshouldcomebackstage.Theywerekindly

holdingBea’sstrollerformebehindtheticketcounter,soIretrieveditwhilewewerewaiting.Frommy
cornerspot,IsawJaderunningacrossthelobbyandoutoftherevolvingdoors.

Almostimmediatelyafter,myphonechimedwithatextfromJustin.

Comebackstage.

Hedidn’tnoticeusatfirst.Hisbackwasfacingus.Itookamomenttoadmirehisround,muscular

ass.WhenBeasquealedinexcitement,heturnedaround.

Itookheroutofthestrollerandheldontoherhandswhileshewalkedwithwobblylegstowardhim.
Hekneltdowntoreceiveherwithopenarms.“Bumblebee!OhmyGod,you’rewalking.”Helooked

amused to see her in her noise reducing headphones. I’d neglected to take them off. “Those things are
biggerthanyourhead!”Heplantedamessykissonhercheekbeforestandinguptokissme.Icouldtell
from the desperate moan he let into my mouth that he was super horny. It made me a little wet thinking
aboutwhatmighthappenlatertonightafterBeafellasleep.I’dorderedacribtobesentuptoourroomso
thatJustinandIcouldhavethebed.Ihopeditworkedout.

“Youweresoamazing.Thatsong—”
“Youlikedit?”
“Ilovedit.”Examininghisface,Iasked,“Areyouokay?”
“Jadewashere.Shesawtheshow,heardthesong.Stevegaveherapass,andshecaughtmeinhere,

confrontedmeaboutus.”Itpleasedmethathefelttheneedtobehonestwithme.

“Iknow.”
“Youknow?”
“Yeah.Wewereoutsidethedoor.Iheardalittleoftheconversation,butthenIlefttogiveyousome

privacy.”

“Wow.”
“You don’t need to explain anything. It is what it is. And I understand what she’s going through. I

knowwhatit’sliketoloveyouandloseyou.I’mjustsothankfulthatIhaveyounow.”Ihesitated.There
wassomuchIneededtotellhim.Proudcouldnotdescribehowseeinghimperformtonighthadmademe
feel.“NowthatI’veseenyouonthebigstage,itsolidifiedmorethaneverhowmuchyouweremeantto
do this with your life. Not only are you so extremely talented, but people are naturally drawn to you. I
don’teverwantyoutogiveuponthisbecauseyoufeelguilty.You’llneverhavetochoose.We’llalways
behereforyou.”

HeliftedBeaupandplantedanotherkissonmylips.“You’reamazingforsayingthat,becauseIknow

howhardmybeingawayhasbeen.IusedtothinkitwasthefamethatIwanted,butthisexperiencehas
taughtmethat—forme—it’saboutthemusic.Idon’tthinkIreallywanttherestofitlong-term.Iwould
nevertradethisexperience,andifanopportunityfallsatmyfeet,I’llconsiderit.Butbeingawayfrommy
familyweekafterweekisnotokay.It’snotwhatIwant.”Hepausedthencuppedmyfaceinhishands.
“Thereisnomusicwithoutyou.Musicisanexpressionofallofthosethingsyoulivefor…areflectionof

thepassionwithinyoursoul.Iliveforyou.You’remypassion.You’remymusic…youandBea.”

“Iloveyousomuch.”
Hegrabbedhisjacket.“Let’sgetoutofhere.”
“What?Nowildafterparty?Whatkindofrockstarareyou?”
“Whatdoyoumean?I’mwild.”Hewinked.“I’mtakingtwogirlsbacktomyhotelroom.”

EPILOGUE

JUSTIN

NeverinamillionfuckingyearsdidIexpectmylifetoturnoutlikethis.

Iswear,ifyouwouldhaveaskedmypussy-whippedfifteen-year-oldselfwherehewantedtobeina

decade,hewouldhaveprobablysaid,“OnanislandsomewherewithPatch.”

Iguesssomethingsneverchange,becausethatwouldbemyexactanswertoday.Whileitwouldhave

seemedlikeanunattainabledreamthen,itwasmyrealitynow.

Watching Amelia playing with Bea down at the shoreline, I thought about the evolution of the roles

she’dplayedinmylife.

Themysteriousgirlwiththeeyepatch.
Thebestfriend.
Theteenagefantasy.
Thegirlwhostolemyheartthenbrokeitandtookitwithherwhensheranaway.
Theestrangedfriend.
Theforbiddenroommate.
Thegirlfriend.
Themotherofmybabies.
She’d never been sexier than now—with my baby inside of her. At four months along, Amelia was

juststartingtoshow,mostlyinhertitsandass,whichwasjustfinebyme.

IhadaskedhertomarrymeayearagoonJulytwenty-sixth,afewmonthsafterIgothomefromthe

tour.IwasgoingtowaitbutdecidedthatIhadtoproposeonthatdayandthatwe’dgetmarriedexactlya
year later. That date meant everything because 0726 were the final numbers on my barcode tattoo and
weresupposedtorepresentthedaysheleftmeadecadeearlier.Iwasdeterminedtoredefinethemeaning
ofthosenumbers.Now,thatdate—today—wouldalwaysbethedayshebecamemywife.

Wedidn’twantafancywedding,justaprivateceremonywiththethreeofusatthebeach.Wewere

hangingoutbythewaterinthemorning,andthenwe’dhaveaweddingonthebeachatsunsetfollowedby
aclambakeofAmelia’sfavorite—dirtysnatchcrabs—andlobster.

It turned out Roger next door got himself ordained to perform a ceremony for a friend of his some

years back, so we were going to let him marry us. Ironically, Roger Podger had become a pretty good
friendofmine,eventhoughIcontinuedtobusthisballsregularly.

AflockofseagullsdispersedasBeacamerunningtowardme.Herdresswassoakedasshehanded

measeashell.“Daddy!Blue!”

“Whatdoyouhaveforme,BeatriceBanks?”
Amelia brushed sand off of her skirt and explained, “We’re trying to find something old, something

new,somethingborrowedandsomethingbluefortheceremonylater.Wefoundthisblueshell.”

“That’sperfect,Bumblebee,”Isaid,handingitbacktoherasshebeamed.
“Wehavetofigureouttherest,”Ameliasaidasshetooksomethingoutofherpocketandhandeditto

Bea.“Wehavesomethingnew,buttechnicallyit’sforyou,notme.Bea,giveittoDaddy.”

My daughter handed me a tiny box. It had a guitar pick inside with the inscription, Thank you for

pickingme.

Squeezingher,Iwhisperedinherear,“Thankyouforpickingme,sweetie.Ilovethissomuch.”
Afterthewedding,I’dbeformallyadoptingBea.Shewastwoyearsoldnowandmoreattachedtome

thanever.Thankfully,thatasswipe,Adam,relinquishedhisparentalrightswithoutafight.

Lifewasgood.IwasstillworkingthesoftwarejobandplayingafewnightsaweekatSandy’s.I’d

been offered another opportunity to tour with a different lesser-known artist, but turned it down. As
exciting as it was being a travelling musician, the downsides outweighed the benefits. I didn’t want to
missanypreciousmomentswithmyfamily.Iusedtothinkmusicwasmylife;Iwaswrong.Mygirlsare
mylife.

“Okay, we have something new and something blue. Now, we just need something borrowed and

somethingold,”Isaid.

Amelia wrapped her arm around my neck. “I was thinking of looking through some of Nana’s old

thingsinthesafe.Ihaven’tgonethroughitsincewemovedin.I’msurewecouldfindsomethingoldin
there.”

Igotupfrommyspotonthesand.“Let’sdoit.”
Thethreeofuswalkedbacktothehouse.Amelia’ssimplewhitestraplessdresswashangingoffthe

mantleinthelivingroom.Itmademegiddyjustlookingatit,knowingthattonight,shewouldofficially
becomeAmeliaBanks.Although,thepieceofpaperdidn’tmatter.She’dbeenmineforaslongasIcould
remember.Istaredatherforabitasshefumbledwiththesafe.Knowingshewaspregnantwithmybaby
didthingstome.AdmiringthevoluptuousshapeofherchangingbodyandknowingthatIwasresponsible
forit,ignitedsomethingprimalinme.Mysexualappetitewasoffthecharts,butthankfullysowashers.I
couldn’twaituntilourweddingnighttonight.BeawouldbestayingforthefirsttimeovernightwithSusan
andRoger.Iplannedtotakefulladvantageoftheemptyhouse—andfulladvantageofAmelia.

The safe was located behind a picture in the wall of the kitchen. She finally managed to get it

unlocked.Iwalkedovertojoinher,andweexaminedthecontents.

Insidewassomepaperwork,afewitemsofjewelry,andseveralphotos.
Itookanantique-lookingrhinestonebarretteandclippeditintoAmelia’shair,tuckingsomestrands

behindherear.“Beautiful.There’syoursomethingborrowed.”Foramoment,Icouldseethelittlegirls
I’dfalleninlovewithreflectedinherface—bothBeaandlittlePatch.

Amelia began to sift through the photos, some of which contained images of her mother and

grandfather.HerhandstilledatonepointbeforesheliftedaPolaroid.Nanausedtolovetotakepictures
withold-fashionedcameraseveninthedigitalage.

ThisparticularphotowasofAmeliaandmeatprobablytenandelevenyearsold.Weweresittingon

Nana’s steps, and the photo was snapped from behind. I was holding my first guitar, and Amelia was
leaningherheadonmyshoulder.Nanahadwrittenonthebottominbluepen:Thewayitwasmeanttobe.

Itookthesnapshotfromhertoexamineitmoreclosely.“Wow.”
“Thisisproof,Justin.Shegaveusthishousebecausesheknewitwouldbringusbacktogether.She

knewwewouldfindthisphotoandhopeditwouldremindusofhowfoolishourestrangementhadbeen.
Sheprobablydidn’thavefaiththatwewouldfindourwaybacktoeachotheronourown.Shewantedto
sendusamessage.”Shegazedatit.“Lookatthis.Howprecious.Thinkofallthoseyearswewasted.”

“Ithappenedthewayitwassupposedto,”Isaid.
“Youthinkso?”
“Yes.Thinkaboutit.Withoutallofthatpent-upfrustration,wewouldn’thavehadasmuchangrysex.”

Ismiled.“Wemightnothavebeenabletocreatethatlittlegirlinyourbelly.”

We’dfoundouttheotherdaythatourbabywasagirl.WeplannedtonameherMelody.Icontinued,“I

know this is strange for me to say, seeing as though I don’t want to think about you and that asswipe,
Adam, but if we hadn’t separated, Bea wouldn’t be here. So, no…I would never go back and change
anything.Never.”

Ilookedattheinscriptiononthephotoagain.
Thewayitwasmeanttobe.
ItookapencilfromthecounterandaddedasmallletterAtotheendofthesentence.
ThewayitwasmeanttoBea.

FORMORETITLES:

VISITPENELOPEWARD’SAMAZONPAGE:

http://amzn.to/1r8yBJx

SUBSCRIBETOPENELOPE’SNEWSLETTER:

http://bit.ly/1X725rj

OTHERSTANDALONESBYPENELOPE:

SINSofSEVIN

USATODAYBestseller

COCKYBASTARD

NewYorkTimesandUSATodayBestseller

STEPBROTHERDEAREST

NewYorkTimes,USATodayandWallStreetJournalBestseller

JAKEUNDONE(Jake#1)

JAKEUNDERSTOOD(Jake#2)

MYSKYLAR

USATODAYBestseller

GEMINI

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First and foremost, thank you to my husband for your love and patience throughout this writing

journey.

Tomyparents:Forinspiringmetofollowmydreamsfromaveryyoungage.
ToAllison:Formanifestingallofthisandtomybesties,Angela,TarahandSoniaforyourfriendship.
ToVi:Icringeatthethoughtofneverhavingfoundyou.WhowouldItalkto?HowwouldIdothis

alone?Thanksforeverything…alldaylong!Yourhittingnumberoneinthekindlestorewasthehighlight
ofmyyear!

ToJulie:Thankyoualwaysremindingmewithyourexamplethattalentandintegritycangohandand

hand.

Tomyeditor,Kim:Thankyouforensuringthatmyworkiscleanandreadyfortheworld.
Tomyinvaluablefacebookfangroup,Penelope’sPeepsandtoQueenPeepAmy:Thankyouforall

youdo.Loveyouall!Can’twaitformorePeepspartiesandget-togethers,onlineandin-person.

ToErikaG:Thankyouforyouforalwaysbeingthere,forJulyget-togethersandspecialconnections.
ToLuna:TeAdoroMucho.Graciasparatodo.
To Mia A.: Thank you for brightening up my days during our writing sprints that turn into random

conversationsthathavenothingtodowithwriting.

ToAussieLisa:Thankyouforyourfriendshipandforalwayssupportingme.Countingthedaystill

youcomevisitagain!

ToNatashaG.:Thankyouforthelaughsandoursharedloveof90-dayFiance!
Toallthebookbloggers/promoterswhohelpandsupportme:YouareTHEreasonformysuccess.

I’mafraidtolisteveryoneherebecauseIwillundoubtedlyforgetsomeoneunintentionally.Youknowwho
youareanddonothesitatetocontactmeifIcanreturnthefavor.

ToLisaofTRSoRPromotions:Thankyouforhandlingmyblogtourandreleaseblitzes.Yourock!
ToLetitiaofRBADesigns:ThankyouforalwaysworkingwithmeuntilthecoverisexactlyhowI

wantit.Thisoneismyfavorite,butIalwayssaythat!

To my readers: None of this would be possible without you and nothing makes me happier than

knowingI’veprovidedyouwithanescapefromthedailystressesoflife.ThatsameescapewaswhyI
started writing. There is no greater joy in this business than to hear from you directly and to know that
somethingIwrotetouchedyouinsomeway.

Lastbutnotleast,tomydaughterandson:Mommylovesyou.Youaremymotivationandinspiration!

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

PenelopeWardisaNewYorkTimes,USATodayandWallStreetJournalbestsellingauthor.
ShegrewupinBostonwithfiveolderbrothersandspentmostofhertwentiesasatelevisionnews

anchorbeforeswitchingtoamorefamily-friendlycareer.

Penelope lives for reading books in the new adult/contemporary romance genre, coffee and hanging

outwithherfriendsandfamilyonweekends.

Sheistheproudmotherofabeautiful11-year-oldgirlwithautism(theinspirationforthecharacter

CallieinGemini)anda9-year-oldboy,bothofwhomarethelightsofherlife.

Penelope,herhusbandandkidsresideinRhodeIsland.
SheistheauthorofStepbrotherDearest,whichhit#3ontheNew York Times bestseller list. Other

worksincludetheNewYorkTimesbestsellerCockyBastard(co-writtenwithViKeeland),SinsofSevin,
MySkylar,JakeUndone,JakeUnderstoodandGemini.

EmailPenelopeat:

penelopewardauthor@gmail.com

NewsletterSignup:

http://bit.ly/1X725rj

FacebookAuthorPage:

https://www.facebook.com/penelopewardauthor

FacebookFanGroup(Requesttojoin!)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/715836741773160/

Instagram:

https://instagram.com/PenelopeWardAuthor

Twitter:

https://twitter.com/PenelopeAuthor

Website:

www.penelopewardauthor.com

Document Outline

Title Page
Copyright
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Part Two
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Epilogue
Keep in Touch with Penelope Ward
Other Standalones by Penelope Ward
Acknowledgements
About the Author

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